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+Oh, for the love of...
+What's wrong with this phone? It's making crazy noises.
+Those "crazy noises" are computer signals.
+Yeah, some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.
+They're out of their minds!
+I heard about this. This is the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy.
+My purpose in life is to witness this moment.
+We need the outlet for our rock tumbler.
+Plug it in! Plug it in!
+What? The rock tumbler or the TV?
+The TV! The TV!
+No, actually, it was a little of both. Sometimes when a disease is in all the magazines and all the news shows, it's only natural that you think you have it.
+Where's Mr. Bergstrom?
+I don't know. Although I'd sure like to talk to him. He didn't touch my lesson plan. What did he teach you?
+That life is worth living.
+The polls will be open from now until the end of recess. Now, just in case any of you have decided to put any thought into this, we'll have our final statements. Martin?
+I don't think there's anything left to say.
+Victory party under the slide!
+Mr. Bergstrom! Mr. Bergstrom!
+Hey, hey, he Moved out this morning. He must have a new job -- he took his Copernicus costume.
+Do you know where I could find him?
+I think he's taking the next train to Capital City.
+The train, how like him... traditional, yet environmentally sound.
+Yes, and it's been the backbone of our country since Leland Stanford drove that golden spike at Promontory point.
+I see he touched you, too.
+Hey, thanks for your vote, man.
+I didn't vote. Voting's for geeks.
+Well, you got that right. Thanks for your vote, girls.
+We forgot.
+Well, don't sweat it. Just so long as a couple of people did... right, Milhouse?
+Somebody must have voted.
+What about you, Bart? Didn't you vote?
+Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
+I demand a recount.
+One for Martin, two for Martin. Would you like another recount?
+Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin. Two for Martin.
+This way, Mister President!
+Now boarding on track 5, The afternoon delight coming to Shelbyville, Parkville, and…..
+Mr. Bergstrom! Hey, Mr. Bergstrom!
+Hey, Lisa.
+Hey, Lisa, indeed.
+What? What is it?
+Oh, I mean, were you just going to leave, just like that?
+Ah, I'm sorry, Lisa. You know, it's the life of the substitute teacher: he's a fraud. Today he might be wearing gym shorts, tomorrow he's speaking French, or, or, or pretending to know how to run a band saw, or God knows what.
+You can't go! You're the best teacher I'll ever have.
+Ah, that's not true. Other teachers will come along who...
+Oh, please.
+No, I can't lie to you, I am the best. But, you know, they need me over in the projects of Capital City.
+But I need you too.
+That's the problem with being middle class. Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.
+I, I understand. Mr. Bergstrom, I'm going to miss you.
+I'll tell you what...
+Whenever you feel like you're alone and there's nobody you can rely on, this is all you need to know.
+Thank you, Mr. Bergstrom.
+All aboard!
+So, I guess this is it? It you don't mind I'll just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life?
+Goodbye, Lisa honey. It'll be okay. Just read the note.
+Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything?
+Bart didn't get one vote?! Oh, this is the worst thing that ever happened to us. Alright, allright, spilled milk, spilled milk, spilled milk. What are you so mopey about?
+Nothing.
+Lisa, tell your father.
+Mr. Bergstrom left today.
+He's gone. Forever.
+I didn't think you'd understand.
+Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
+I'm glad I'm not crying because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say is based on emotion. But you, sir, are a baboon!
+Yes, you! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon!
+I don't think you realize what you're saying.
+Baboon!
+Whoa, somebody was bound to say it one day. I just can't believe it was her.
+Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!
+Homer, you are not allowed to have hurt feelings right now. There's a little girl upstairs who needs you. Her confidence in her father is shaken, and no little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her Daddy.
+Go Away.
+Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon?
+This isn't going well at all.
+Look, if you just want me to forgive you --
+No, no, no. I just wish I knew what to say.
+Although, maybe this will help. Now you lost someone special and it hurts. I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof.
+That was our wedding.
+Children, it's time for you to go to bed.
+It's true. Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together, and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks. Oh well, maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your doll house for you. At least, I'm good at monkey work. You know... monkey. You know what I mean?
+I can hold these nails in place with my tail.
+You're so silly.
+Gimme a banana.
+I don't have any banana.
+Come on, you're holding out on me.
+I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.
+Think nothing of it.
+Hey, what's the matter, son?
+Ah, Dad, if just me, Milhouse and Lewis had voted...
+Hey son, would you have gotten any money for being class president?
+Would you have to do extra work?
+And is this Martin guy going to get to do anything neat, like throw out the first ball at the world series, huh?
+Well, no.
+So, let the baby have his bottle, huh? That's my motto.
+Hey! Thanks, monkey-man.
+Holy-moly... talk about parenting!
+Sleep well, Maggie. Ah, three for three.
+Homie, did you straighten everything out...?
+Up... up... up... up... up... up. Don't say anything, Marge. Let's just go to bed. I'm on the biggest roll of my life.
+Mmm... hors doovers.
+Homer! You promised!
+I promised I wouldn't eat? Never! You lie!
+Homer, please. We've never thrown a party. Now we're gonna pay back all the friends who've invited us to their homes.
+But Mom, I want to hear the witty banter of sophisticated adults.
+Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed.
+Oh son, when you're older, you'll know better.
+Hmmm. Oh, baby! Mmmm. Yeah.
+Oh! They're here! How does everything look?
+How do I look?
+Do we have enough glasses?
+Do we have enough gag ice cubs?
+Homer! Homer! Put a record on!
+What are all our friends names again?
+Children! Go!
+Hey, anybody mind if I serve as bartender? You know, I have a Ph.D in Mixology.
+College boy.
+Hey, Homer! Care to try some of my Flanders Planters punch?
+Why not? I paid for it.
+Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it?
+Au contraire, Simpson! It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon and just little dab-a-roo of creme de cassis for flavor.
+Really? Well I do have a warm sense of well-being and I seem to be ssslurring my shpeech... you're right! Give me another.
+Now, Homer, go easy on the al-ky-hol. Remember last year at the Winfield's party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
+Hi! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right? I remember you, but I don't remember you being so beau --tiful.
+Ow! Hey! Jeez!
+Is that a new kind of Mace? It's really painful.
+Oh, Dr. Hibbert. Enjoying the party?
+Uh, no, not really. Someone seems to have slipped one of those novelty ice cubes with a fake fly in my drink.
+It was me! You fell for it!
+Homer, these novelty ice cubes are often made from highly toxic chemicals. Ironically, a real fly would have been much more sanitary.
+Please Dad.
+You should see the look on your face. It's priceless.
+Bart! Come over here.
+You little monkey... you're a little monkey, aren't you?
+Yes sir.
+Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute.
+That thing you know how to do.
+Go to bed.
+Hey, everybody! Look, I'm the funniest guy in the world!
+Oh, Homer, you're the king!
+I've been wantin' to tell you off for years, but I've never had the nerve.
+Homer, I don't know you. My wife and your wife are friends. We met just three hours ago.
+You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks! I quit!
+Uh, gee Homer, don't quit...
+All right then.
+Could you... give me a handful of peanuts... Maude?
+Oh sure.
+Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom.
+Hey, thanks for invitin' me. I had a wonderful time.
+I must apologize for my husband.
+If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his side.
+Hmmm. thank you. I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
+Remember, I said if.
+I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
+Why? What'd you do?
+Come here!
+Where-where are we going?
+I want to make sure the kids don't hear. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting.
+They're fighting in the car again.
+That music always sends a chill down my spine.
+Homer, do you remember the way you acted at the party last night?
+The way I acted?
+So I said: I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
+Good lord! There's a fly in my drink!
+I put it there.
+You did?
+I slipped it into your glass as a gag.
+Pure hilarity!
+Pure Homer!
+I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season!
+Homer, I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman, and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!
+I'm sorry, honey. Can't we just forget it and go to church.
+I'm going to church alone today. You're going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred him for life.
+No, I didn't... I... Oh, you mean inside, don't you?
+About last night... you might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
+I understand why. You were wasted.
+I admit it. I didn't know when to say when. I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
+Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
+Now before I give you all a sneak preview of next week's sermon, I have some announcements to make. We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack including "Bible Bafflers", "Satan's Boners," "Good Grief! More Satan's Boners" and, for the teens, "It's Not Cool To Fry In Hell."
+Marge, Marge.
+I'm sorry. The Lord and I can't compete with the squeaking of Homer Simpson's shoes. Why don't we just put everything on hold until he takes a seat?
+Sorry, Reverend.
+Sit down, Homer.
+Mrs. Lovejoy and myself will be holding our third annual marriage retreat next weekend at Catfish Lake. It's psychological counseling for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread...
+... or those just in need of a tune-up.
+Now if you wish to participate, please sign up on your way out after the service is over.
+Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat?
+Oh, well, it's very tempting. Really a wonderful idea.
+Marge! What are you doing? Are you insane?!
+We'll be there!
+Marriage encounter weekend, here I come!
+Now you wanna go?
+They're holding it at Catfish Lake. They couldn't call it Catfish Lake if it didn't have a catfish in it.
+We're going to this retreat to give our marriage a tune-up and that's all. No fishing.
+Oh, that must be the babysitter.
+Hello. I'm Mrs. Simpson.
+Simpson... Simpson...
+Come back for more, eh?
+Oh my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice?
+Oh dear. If we can't find a babysitter, we can't go. What a kick in the teeth.
+What do you need a babysitter for? I'm almost ten and a half.
+Mom! You wouldn't dare.
+Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand.
+No, you don't!
+Grampa?
+Huh... who?... what?
+Grampa, could you do something?
+I can dress myself.
+Well, I was wondering. Do you think you could babysit the kids this weekend? I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate.
+Oh sure. Last resort... Old Grampa, the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing, no how, dagnabit. Everyone's agin me. I'll do it.
+Marge, just puttin' a few last things in the trunk.
+Now, if Maggie runs a fever, you call this number. If she sticks her finger in an electrical socket, call this number. And if she drinks pine cleanser, call this...
+Just give me the list. I can read.
+All right. All right. Goodbye, children. And behave yourselves.
+Call this number if Grampa falls in the bathtub.
+I heard that.
+Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this. It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.
+Uh huh .. Uh-huh... You're allowed smoke cigars?
+Hmmm, bait.
+Whoa, better get some gas.
+Fill 'er up. I guess I'll go and stretch my legs.
+Where ya headed?
+Catfish Lake.
+Oh, after General Sherman, are ya?
+Wait, wait a minute... wait a minute. Who's General Sherman?
+He's only the biggest catfish in these parts...
+Oh yeah.
+... they say he weighs upwards of five hundred pounds.
+Whoa, who says that?
+They do.
+Now, that there's the only known picture of the General. Can't see what he is, exactly. He's freakishly big, though.
+Hmmmm. Gentlemen: I am going to catch General Sherman!
+After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty Burger and head for the arcade.
+Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure it's right to take advantage of him?
+Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong? But right now my gut's telling me... Bleed Gramps dry.
+Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. Welcome!
+Hello, Reverend. We're glad we could come. Oh, hello Helen.
+Hel-lo Marge!
+Why, Homer Simpson! Here to give your marriage a little spit shine?
+None of your business, Flanders.
+Uh say... uh... Reverend... are we gonna get a chance to do any fishing?
+Oh, I'm afraid not. A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer. It takes a whole weekend to do that.
+We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way a happy marriage won't be the one that got away.
+I see. I also understand bowling expressions.
+Ah, three couples... our best turnout yet. Why don't we go around the room and everyone can introduce themselves and tell us a little bit about why they're here. John... Gloria?
+My name's Gloria. I'm here because Johnny boy hasn't been able to cut it, manwise, for some time. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
+That's enough, Gloria!
+Thank you, Gloria. John, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here?
+She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. She's the Queen of the Harpies.
+No, I'm not!
+Queen of the Harpies!
+No, I'm not!
+Here's your crown, your Majesty.
+Get away from me, swine.
+Queen of the Harpies!
+You've come to the right place. First, I want you to look into each other's eyes.
+Your eyes? I'd forgotten how beautiful they are.
+Let's never fight again.
+We were fools to argue.
+Let's not talk about that.
+Let's not talk at all.
+Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness when we pass the collection plate next week. All right. Ned, Maude, what brings you here?
+Well...
+Go on, Neddie.
+Sometimes Maude, God bless her, she underlines passages in my Bible because she can't find hers.
+Lucky you don't keep guns in the house.
+Homer, why are you here?
+Ohhh, because I got drunk and looked down her dress.
+No, no, Homer. Marge is going to tell us all your faults. Why don't you tell us about hers?
+She's perfect.
+Come on, Homer. What are her faults?
+Well, sometimes that can be annoying.
+Oh, Homer.
+Now, Marge. Don't interrupt. You'll get your turn.
+I'm done.
+Okay. Marge?
+Well, it's not that I don't love the guy. I'm always sticking up for him. It's just that he's so self-centered.
+Now, Homer.
+He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays -- both religious and secular -- he chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes...
+It's true. It's all true.
+Homer, don't interrupt.
+He blows his nose on the towels, and puts them back in the middle...
+I only did that a couple of times.
+Half a gallon of chocolate.
+Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge.
+Half a gallon of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate chip.
+Did your Mom really write that shopping list?
+Grampa, what a question?
+What's next, Lis?
+Sprinkles and syrup.
+Hey, Grampa. Aisle six and step on it.
+Well, all right, but put out that cigar.
+... He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises and when he wakes up he makes honking noises. Oh... oh... and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it. Oh no. Wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long and yellow. That's all I can think of right now. I guess you're all tired and I want to thank you for letting me get some things off my chest.
+Well, we've missed the luau. What say we call it a night?
+I don't want to hear it, McBain. That cannon of yours is against regulations. In this department we go by the book.
+You know, kids, it's gettin' pretty late.
+Yeah, you should go to bed, Grampa. We've had a big day.
+It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis.
+Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence. . The perfect crime.
+Homer, you're sneaking out to go fishing? I can't believe your selfishness. You can go fishing anytime, but we're here trying to save our marriage. You're thinking about fishing, even when I'm talking... right now. Right?
+Would this be a good time to be honest?
+You're right, I am. Help me, Marge. What do I do to be a good guy?
+Get back in bed.
+All right. But I can't sleep. Can I take a walk?
+Gotta be a good husband... Gotta be a good husband... Gotta be a good husband.
+Hey, kid! You forgot your... WHOA!
+Go ahead, General Sherman! Waste your strength, you big ugly catfish. I gotta skillet and a stick of butter with your name on it.
+Yes. Ten please.
+Hey Grampa, top me off.
+Are you sure your ma lets you kids drink coffee?
+For the last time, yes!
+Good! Give up!
+Hey, Milhouse. Big blowout at Casa de Simpson. The only adult is frail and old.
+Bart's joint. Uh, twoish. Be there or be square.
+Tell my friends? All right, but I've got some pretty funky friends.
+All right! I get out at noon and I'm already invited to a party.
+Now, this is a trust exercise. You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
+Do I have to do this?
+No. Even if your husband were here, I wouldn't recommend it. Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I've ever told one partner that they were 100 percent right. It's all his fault, and I'm willing to put that in a certificate you can frame.
+Over there / Send the word / Send the word / Over there.
+That the Yanks are comin'...
+Okay, fish, you're probably wondering why I'm still here. Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is, right up there with... that... the a... bald guy on that cable fishing show.
+Whoa! Holy mackerel!
+Milhouse, good to see you, pal. What's happening, man?
+Cherry party, Bart. Any chicks over eight?
+Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
+Lisa, what's wrong?
+Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's rights movement for decades to come.
+You're great at a party, Lisa. Really great.
+Hey you, no, shut that door! Stop it! Put that away! No, stop, oh!
+Haw haw haw!
+You young hellion, do you want me to take off my belt?
+All right. I'll show you.
+Haw! Haw! Haw!
+Doggone it!
+I love you, but I must kill you.
+Yeah, take care, man. Hey, thanks for coming. Hey, nice tie, Nelson..
+Ah, thanks, it's your dad's.
+I tried to be a good baby-sitter, but I failed! I'm a feeb... a useless old... worn-out...
+Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
+It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepressible youth.
+Well, how do you make this feeling go away?
+You grab a bucket and a brush and clean harder and faster than you ever have before.
+I AM THE CHAMPIONS / I AM THE CHAMPIONS / NO TIME FOR LOSERS / CAUSE I AM THE CHAMPIONS / OF THE WORLLLLD!
+Uh, oh.
+Hi, honey. Uh, oh. How's the marriage retreat going?
+Please Dad.
+We came to this retreat because I thought our marriage was in trouble, but I never for a minute thought it was in this much trouble. Homer, how can you expect me to believe....
+Marge, you don't know what this fish means. This fish represents a better life for both of us. This fish makes me a champion and a hero.
+To who?
+To those weirdos in the worm store.
+All this fish represents is just how selfish you are.
+Well, if that's the way you feel... I'll throw it back.
+Oh yeah, sure.
+Wow, I did it! I gave up fame and breakfast for my marriage. I fought it for six hours. She says one word and I toss it back. And you're telling me our marriage is in trouble? Come here, baby.
+Ohhh, Homer.
+We're back!
+How's your marriage?
+Same as usual. Perfectomundo.
+Oh my, the house looks wonderful. Grampa, what's your secret?
+Pretending to cry. That's right, you heard me. Pretending to cry. I can turn it on and off like a fawcet. Boo-hoo, Oh, I'm crying, I'm so sad.
+Way to go, Grampa.
+I'll never trust another old person.
+I fooled you. So long suckers. Hee hee hee.
+Yup. General Sherman. They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know? No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's a hundred years if he's a day.
+And uh, no one's ever caught him?
+Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.
+Hurry, Mom! If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will be gone.
+Wow! Number nine! That's before Fallout Boy became his ward.
+What do you care about good comics? All you ever buy is Casper the Wimpy Ghost.
+I think it's sad that you equate friendliness from wimpiness, and I hope it will keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
+Well, you know what I think? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich.
+Hey, they do look alike!
+I wonder how Richie died?
+Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is, and took his own life.
+Kids, could you lighten up a little?
+Now, Radioactive Man: He rules! Never punches a bad guy without saying something cool.
+He's no wittier than the next superhero.
+Oh, yeah? Look. He knocks a guy into the sun and says, "Hot enough for ya?"
+I stand corrected.
+We're here!
+Too bad we didn't come dressed as popular cartoon characters.
+This looks like a discount for...
+Bartman!
+Who are you supposed to be?
+I'm Bartman!
+Never heard of him. Full price.
+Lousy rip off...
+Is uh, this on?... Ahem, young people of Springfield: As your Mayor, I'd like to welcome you to our annual funny book convention, and thank you for pumping almost three hundred dollars into the local economy.
+Your youthful high spirits have imparted a glow to this old war-horse. You might say I feel like Radiation Man!
+That's Radioactive Man, jerk!
+I stand corrected... Well, have fun and be sure to clear out by six for the Shriners. Get that punk's name. No one makes a fool out of Diamond Joe Quimby.
+Excuse me, sir. Has anyone turned in a left Vulcan ear?
+Please Dad.
+Let's see, we've got a utility belt, a couple of tricorders, a light saber... Sorry, kid.
+Hey, Bart-dude!
+Hey, Otto-man! Oooh, what's that?
+My very own idea for a comic book, little man. It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day, but by night, fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic warzone!
+C'mon, Bart. We're going to see Buddy Hodges.
+The guy who played Fallout Boy on TV?
+Wow, I guess he wasn't killed in Vietnam.
+Aaahh... These Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil.
+Gee whillikers, Radioactive Man. Wisht I was old enough to smoke Laramies.
+Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen.
+Look out!
+Will Radioactive Man act in time to save the earth?
+Well, wasn't that great?... Y'know, kids, I'm sure we'd all like to remember actor Dirk Richter for his portrayal of Radioactive Man, and not the sordid details of his final years, so let's keep the questions tasteful, okay? Now how about a big welcome for Buddy "Fallout Boy" Hodges!
+Any questions?
+When Radioactive Man got injected with shrinking serum in issue two-thirty-four, how come his costume shrinks, too?
+I am sure I don't know. But I did just finish playing Rum Tum Tugger in the second national touring company of "Cats" -- anybody see it?
+Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Over here, Fallout Boy! Oh, oh, me... me... me... me, me.
+Yes, you, the masked boy.
+Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello where his bullet-riddled body was found?
+Dirk Richter was a beautiful man. Can't you little vultures leave him alone?
+Hey, Radioactive Man number seventy-two! It's the imaginary tale where Radioactive Man marries Larva Girl.
+Tell you what. I'll show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there.
+Behold!
+Wow. Radioactive Man Number One.
+None other.
+I bet it's worth a million bucks!
+It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for a hundred because you remind me of me.
+All I got is thirty.
+Then you cannot have it.
+But I must. Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this earth, but now I know... to buy that comic book.
+Your emotion is out of place here, son.
+So, did you kids have fun?
+Yeah, Mom! Guess what? For a dollar a man sold me thirty-five Caspers and a dozen Lois Lanes.
+I never knew what Superman saw in her. Give me Wonder Woman! And that golden lariat. She can tie me up any time.
+I was just kidding, Marge. Hey, what does everyone say to dinner at Krusty Burger? My treat!
+All right, Homer. Whoa, you really are a sport, Dad, taking us out to a fine restaurant like Krusty Burger!
+All right, what are you getting at?
+I need a hundred dollars for a comic book.
+A hundred bucks?! For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha-ma-langelo?
+Oh please, Dad. I want this more than anything in the world.
+Well, t.s.
+Please Dad.
+Please Dad.
+Please Dad.
+Please Dad.
+Please Dad.
+Please Dad.
+Please Dad.
+Please Dad.
+No! Now, look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. It shows you've been paying attention. But we all know I'm not gonna give you a hundred dollars. Now are you gonna stop bugging me?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Are you?
+Hee hee, I win! In your face! Yeah! How do you like them apples? Woo hoo hoo!
+Don't gloat, Homer. You know, Bart, when I was your age, the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world was a Child-sized Electric Lightbulb Oven. My parents wouldn't give me the money, so I went to my sisters, Patty and Selma...
+We'll give you half our allowance.
+Uh-huh. But you have to be our slave.
+This gives us a lot more free time.
+Uh-huh. Let's take up smoking.
+For months, I worked and worked, while my sisters smoked and smoked...
+Venus... Oh, Venus...
+We want those dress-shields hand-washed and drip-dried.
+Haw haw!
+Here we are.
+But the big day finally came. And because I'd worked for it, all those lightbulb-warmed treats always tasted extra-good.
+So maybe a part-time job is the answer.
+Aw, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie, and Lisa is such a handful --
+She means you should get a job, stupid.
+Get a job! Were they serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away... forever.
+Bart! What are you staring at?
+Uh... nothing.
+He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment my dad and I were closer than we ever...
+Bart! Stop it!
+"I NEED SOME MONEY / A LOT OF MONEY..." AHH
+Empty bottles... empty bottles...
+Hm... well, it's practically empty.
+Here you go, Apu.
+Ooh, very good. Would you like the deposit defrayed from the cost of a Jumbo Cherry Squishie?
+No, not today. I need the dime.
+Oh, it is good to see you are learning a trade.
+Americanize this, my good man.
+Okey dokey.
+All those coins were only worth three lousy cents?
+Let the good times roll.
+Oh, this is so humiliating... I feel like such a geek.
+How's it going, Bart?
+Terrible. Cars slow down to laugh at me, but no one's buying.
+Maybe you need to play on their sympathies more. Lets see...
+Ah ha, now you look pathetic.
+Lemonade sucks. I need a new product. Let's see... ... Ah!
+Form a line, no crowding. Cheap beer and a sympathetic ear... Step right up.
+Ah, Bart could you give me one on credit? I'm a little short this week.
+Beat it.
+Say, uh, you got a liquor license there, young fella?
+Ugh, my dog ate it.
+Gotta have a license to sell beer.
+Say... writing all those tickets must make you guys thirsty. How about a couple on the house?
+We-ell, seeing as how it's a first offense...
+I guess we can overlook this.
+So long, officers. Uh-oh.
+Hey, what's all the --
+My beer... my beer... my beautiful beer.
+The poor boy is so desperate. He wants to earn money to buy a comic book.
+A comic book! Oh, my, boys never change. Which one is it, "Nazi Smasher"?
+I don't think so.
+Send him over to my house, I got a few chores he could do. He knows how to mix whitewash, don't he?
+Mrs. Glick?
+Eh, you must be Burt Simpson! Well, you look like you've got a strong young back!
+Would you like something to eat? I've got dried apricots... almond paste, sauerkraut candy.
+No, thanks. Who's that?
+Oh, that's my brother, Asa. He was killed in the Great War. Held a grenade too long.
+This one's for you Kaiser Bill. Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the boys in D Company: Yeah! Johnny, Harrison, Brooklyn Bob and Reggie. Yeah, even Reggie. He ain't so stuck-up once you get to know...
+Here, have some ribbon candy. Boys love candy.
+No, thanks.
+Boys love candy.
+Oh, yes, ma'am!
+Ugh, I think I'd rather just get to work, Ma'am.
+We'll start with a little light yard work. And when you're done, you can have a nice barley pop.
+I want you to clear out all the weeds. You do know which ones are weeds?
+All of 'em?
+Good boy.
+Now be careful with these. I'll be inside watching my stories.
+Ow!. . .Ow!
+Jack, please. I'm married.
+That must be what's turning me on.
+Oh... Stop it... some more.
+Filthy, but genuinely arousing.
+Finished.
+Merciful heavens, you're bleeding! I'll get the iodine.
+Now, don't fidget.
+Listen, lady, you don't have to -- YAAAUUUUGGGHHH!
+They've never improved on iodine.
+Hi, Mom.
+Did you make any money?
+Not yet, but at least I'm in a lot of pain.
+Well, I think what you're doing for Mrs. Glick is very nice. The poor old thing doesn't have anybody.
+There's a reason.
+The sludge certainly collects around those downspouts, don't it?
+I'll sludge you, you old bat.
+Today, we wash Beulah. Do you know what that is?
+Some old lady thing, nobody's heard about for fifty years?
+No, it was my wedding dress, but then I dyed it black and it became my mourning dress.
+Great story, lady.
+Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms.
+No! No, not the iodine! Burn the germs off with a torch, amputate my arm, but not the -- YAAAUUUGGGHHH!
+Well, it's payday. I'll wager you've been looking forward to this.
+Two quarters.
+Two quarters?
+You deserve every penny. You know, I've told a lot of my girlfriends about you and they have chores too.
+Two quarters!
+Bart, you didn't say thank you.
+Listen lady, I can leave without screaming, and I can leave without saying a bad word, but there's no way that I am saying thank you.
+You're welcome. All right then, off you go, to spend it on penny whistles and moon pies.
+Moon pies, my butt... Somebody oughta moon pie her...
+What's the problem, boy?
+I've been bustin' my hump all week for that withered old clam, and all I got was fifty cents.
+Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money.
+Really?
+Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got thirty-five bucks. Ugh.. I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
+Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
+Can you let me have it for forty dollars?
+Forty bucks? Forget it! You made me get off my stool for that?
+It's all I've got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home. I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake!
+No way. What do you want?
+Can I have it for thirty-five?
+No!... No!... Freakin' kids. I do not need this, I've got a Masters degree in folklore and mythology.
+Excuse me, do you have the Carl Yastrzemski baseball card from 1973, when he had big sideburns?
+Show me the thirty bucks, because if you ain't got it, I ain't gettin' off the stool.
+Wait a minute, Martin. If you, Milhouse and I went in together, we could buy a copy of "Radioactive Man No. 1" right now!
+Here you go. "Muttonchop Yaz."
+I don't want it.
+Freakin' kids!
+Look, pal. We've got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy "Radioactive Man No. 1". So why don't you just waddle over there and get it.
+Yes sir.
+Wow! Breathe it in, boys!
+This is the stuff dreams are made of.
+It smells like my grandpa.
+Uh-oh, looks like rain. We better get this baby home.
+Looks like you bought more than you bargained for.
+My pants... caught on barbed wire... Good Lord Choke... an A-bomb!
+Yaarrgh!
+I'm becoming radioactive. From this day forward, I shall call myself Radioactive Man.
+So that's how it happened!
+I would've thought being hit by an atomic bomb would have killed him.
+Now you know better.
+Turn the page, Bart.
+Listen, you guys are welcome to come over and read it any time you like.
+Why can't we keep it at my house?
+Your house? That's crazy talk!
+Well, the comic's ours as much as it is yours.
+How about this, guys. Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays. Milhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays. And yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
+Perfect.
+Wait a minute. What about Sunday?
+Yeah. What about Sunday?
+Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator. I will take the digits one through three. Milhouse will have four through six. And Bart will have seven through nine.
+Perfect.
+Wait a minute. What about zero?
+Yeah! What about zero?
+Well, in the unlikely event of a zero, possession will be determined by "Rock, Scissor, Paper" competition. Best three out of five, how's that?
+Excellent! Well, today being Saturday, Gentlemen, I guess I'll be taking my comic and...
+Uh, uh, uh, ah nice try, Martin. It almost worked. But tonight, this comic book stays right here.
+If the comic book stays right here, then so do I.
+Me too!
+Fine. We're all going to stay here with the comic book. It'll be like a sleep-over. Yeah, a sleep-over. That's what pals do, right? Real friendly-like.
+I want to read it again.
+Nice try, mister.
+Milhouse, the acids in your hands could damage the newsprint. We want to keep this comic forever, so the last one alive will have the honor of being buried with it.
+What do you mean, the last one alive?
+I meant years from now.
+Yeah, sure you did.
+Bart, don't push him!
+I knew it. You're both against me! Well, nobody makes a sap out of Bartholemew J. Simpson.
+I thought you boys might like some milk and microwave s'mores.
+Thank you, Mrs. Simpson.
+Sweet dreams, boys.
+One more step and you're a dead man.
+I have to go to the bathroom, Bart.
+Yeah, right, so do I, but you don't see me gettin' up.
+Hey, what's going on?
+Our dear friend Martin was trying to steal the comic book.
+Let's tie him up!
+Bart, is this how you treat all your guests?
+Hmp, impressive.
+Quiet, Piggy, or we'll stick an apple in your mouth. We can't take any chances. We'll have to take turns watching him.
+Okay. I'll go first.
+Oh, so that's your little game. Let old Bart get nice and drowsy, then, when his back is turned... wham!
+Well, it is not going to happen, see?
+You're going crazy, Bart. I'm telling your mom!
+Hey Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
+I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people that have to go to the bathroom?
+You can't stop me.
+The hell I can't!
+Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys?
+They're fine.
+Bart, the comic!
+Don't let go of me Bart!
+Milhouse, it's not that far to the ground. And the rain has probably softened it up a bit.
+No, Bart! No!
+You know, if you guys hadn't tied me up, I could be saving the comic as we speak.
+Shut up! Shut up!
+Help me, Bart! I didn't even want the comic. I wanted Carl Yastrzemski with the big side-burns.
+Boys, you better come in the house. You don't want to get the sniffles.
+Aw, Mom.
+Now come on... You can play your little tie-up game inside. I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows?
+I'd raise my hand, Mrs. Simpson, if I could.
+It's no use, fellows. Another comic book has returned to the earth from whence it came.
+We worked so hard and now it's all gone... We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.
+What's your point?
+Nothing. It just kind of ticks me off.
+Well, the world is safe again... but for how long?
+Ah, Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests. I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the uh, off chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do.
+Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign.
+And now, I would like to present the man who made this sign possible, by dropping the last of his obstructionist legal challenges... Montgomery Burns.
+Mr. Burns is never late. Something must be terribly wrong.
+Well, there better be. Nobody leaves Diamond Joe Quimby holding the bag!
+Must... turn... over. Got to... greet... dignitaries!
+Oh, no, Mr. Burns! We've got to get a doctor!
+Absolutely not! No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me! As long as there's an ounce of strength left in me, I...
+Mmmm. Mr. Burns is suffering from what we medical men call hypohemia. In layman's terms it's quite simply a lack of blood.
+Damn it, doctor, I'm no idiot! I know what hypohemia is. What I want to know is what can we do about it?
+Well, at this point, our only hope is a transfusion.
+How long does it take to sterilize a needle?
+A few seconds.
+Well, skip it.
+Just leave me enough to get home.
+I'm afraid it's not that simple. His blood type is Double-O-Negative. It's quite rare.
+But I'm B positive. Damn this common gutter blood in my veins!
+Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.
+How many hairs on my head? Without looking!
+Go ahead.
+Attention all employees. Our boss and inspiration, Mr. Burns... is at death ... death's door. If you have type Double-O-Negative blood, I implore you to report to the Bloodmobile outside. That is all.
+I'd give him my blood, except for one thing.
+What's that?
+I don't wanna.
+I can't believe you guys. There's a human being out there with millions of dollars who needs our help. And you don't wanna cash in? That's why you losers are stuck in this crummy, dead end job.
+You know, Homer, I am your supervisor.
+Sorry, sir.
+Maggie, look. What's that?
+Lee-mur. Lee-mur.
+Zee-boo. Zee-boo.
+What are you doing, honey?
+I'm trying to teach Maggie that nature doesn't end with the barnyard. I want her to have all the advantages that I didn't have.
+Lisa, we did the best we could... What's a zebu?
+It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap. Hump and dew-lap. Hump and dew-lap.
+Marge! Marge! What's my blood type?
+A-Positive.
+Aw, nuts! Extremely rare blood and I don't have it.
+You know his blood type, how romantic.
+A mother knows everything about her family.
+Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?
+Four B.
+How many teeth do I have?
+Sixteen permanent, eight baby.
+Earmuffs.
+I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap, but three.
+Allergies.
+Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.
+Glow in the dark monster make-up.
+Oh, Homie, you have lots of hair... Why did you want to know your blood type?
+Aw, old man Burns is gonna kick off if he doesn't get some Double-O-Negative blood, but nobody at the plant has it.
+Bart does.
+Woo! Yes! All right! Woo! Congratulations, boy! You've got a date with a needle!
+Hey, wait a minute. I don't have to give blood. I have rights, you know.
+Yeah, you have the right to remain silent.
+Bart, you have to help someone in need. It's the only decent thing to do.
+Bart, it's not like I'm asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy! You're a little young to understand this, but when you save a rich man's life, he showers you with riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
+Is it a Bible story?
+Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time there was a big mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. And all the village people tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough. So they got Hercules, and Hercules used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big thing of riches.
+How did a lion get rich?
+It was the olden days!
+Hey, let's go! Emergency! Life-or-death here!
+Just a sec, man!
+Whoa, Otto-man! You work here?
+Oh yeah! During the day, all my friends are in school, so I got a job as a Certified Bloodletting Tech Dude.
+Now let's get the show on the road.
+Okay. Let me wash up.
+Homer, brave young Bart. I don't know which one to hug first.
+Eh.... the boy.
+We're ready with the transfusion.
+Smithers, I'm not going to make it. I want to dictate... my epitaph.
+Charles... Montgomery... Burns.
+Um, hmm.
+American Patriot
+... American Patriot.
+Master Of The Atom.
+Scourge Of The Despot.
+"O Tyrant Hear His Mighty Name And QUAKE!!" Smithers, I'm back!
+Oh, top o' the mornin' to ye! Why, look who's here! It's good old... you!
+Hi, Mr. Burns.
+Oh, hey, there, Mr... Brown Shoes! How about that local sports team? Hm?
+Mr. Burns... he's okay! Jackpot!
+Aye, caramba!
+Heh-heh-heh! Well, that's game! Hasta manana, Osvaldo!
+Smithers, I'm back in the pink! Full of pith and vinegar!
+Just remarkable, sir.
+You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and tonic and patent medicine there is. And all I really needed was the blood of a young boy. By the way, what was the lad's name?
+Uh, Bart Simpson, sir.
+He's the son of Homer Simpson. One of your stiffs in Sector 7-G.
+Well, the Simpsons will be getting a very nice surprise in the mail. Very nice, indeed.
+Bill... Bill... Summons... Bill... Wait a minute. From C.M. Burns? Is this it? Yes, this is it! Woo-hoo! Woo!
+Marge! Lisa! Maggie! Let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors can see!
+Lisa, dim the lights! No, turn on more lights! But do something!
+Yes, Dad.
+It's a little thin, but that's okay, could be a check.
+The meaning of what?
+"Better half," Marge. "Better half."
+All right, there's no check, just a card. But don't panic. I'm sure it tells us what we're getting and where we can pick it up. "Dear Bart... Thank you kindly for the blood. Yours truly, Montgomery Burns." It's just a card!
+This is some way to show your gratitude. No gold. No diamonds. No rubies. Not even a lousy card. Wait a minute, there was a card. That's what got me so mad in the first place.
+Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand.
+Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats...
+Yeah, Mom. We got hosed!
+We got exactly what we wanted out of this: We gave an old man a second chance.
+I promised my boy one simple thing: Lots of riches. And that man broke my promise. Well, I've had it! Bart, take a letter.
+"Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glaaad you enjoyed my son's blood. And your caard was just great. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink!" Could you read that last part back to me?
+You stink.
+Good. "You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl arms... and you smell like..."
+An elephant's butt?
+An elephant's butt.
+But he's your boss. Do you have to mail it right this minute?
+You're still angry, Homer. Why don't you sleep on it?
+Forget it, Marge!
+Please, Homie? For me?
+Oh, all right. You always do that hand thing! And it usually works.
+Cheap son-of-a...
+Homer... Breakfast is ready.
+Hmmm...
+Oh, Marge, you saved me from making a big mistake. Y'know, I finally understand the meaning of mmphm hnmph.
+Oh... thank you.
+Where's the letter?
+Where is it?
+Homer, I don't think it's in the cornstarch canister.
+Well, it's somewhere! It didn't just get up and walk away!
+Bart, have you seen the letter?
+All right, think very carefully. Where did you see it last?
+The last place I saw it...
+Uh huh.
+...was in my hand...
+Yeah...
+...as I was shoving it into the mailbox.
+Why did you do that?
+Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you. You're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, is no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning. So I...
+I'll show you mad in the morning.
+Homer, you encouraged him. You should be strangling yourself.
+She's right. Okay, think, Homer. Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time!
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
+Give it up, Homer. It's locked up tight.
+Locked, eh? Well, I just might have a little surprise up my sleeve for old Mr. Lock. Step aside, boy.
+Hey, I'm with you, Homer. Fight the power!
+Why the hose, Homer?
+What does it look like? I'll get our letter so wet, the ink will run and no one will be able to read it.
+Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there?
+So a few people won't get a few letters. Boo-hoo. You know the kinda letters people write: "Dear Somebody-You-Never-Heard-Of... How is So-and-So? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yours truly, Some Bozo." Big loss.
+Now Bart, you keep an eye out for the mailman. Just give me some kind of signal.
+Dad, the mailman is here.
+That's a good one. We'll use that.
+No, I mean the mailman's here.
+Dear God! Are you planning to water the mail?
+Uh, uh I-I guess it wouldn't do any good to run, 'cause you're our mail lady and you know my name and address and everything, huh?
+That's right.
+Well, I'm still gonna run!
+I want the whole world to hear the story of my harrowing struggle with hypohemia.
+Well, sir, Mr. Roman is one of the finest ghostwriters in the business.
+He's written "Like Hell I Can't!"... "Up From The Muck"... and "The Unsinkable Sadruddin Mahbaradad!"
+Excellent.
+All right, all right. First question? Have you slept with anyone famous?
+Well, Countess Van Zeplin and I... What in blaze... Now you listen to me, you bargain basement Baudelaire. I'm not some dizzy starlet who can't string two words together. I can write this thing myself. You're fired.
+Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
+Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
+I don't know.
+Great plan, Bart.
+Ooh, look, Maggie, what is that? Do-dec-ah-edron. Dodecahedron.
+Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange and your father is trying to worry.
+"Chapter the Fifth... A Trip to the Infirmary, With Most Unexpected Results."
+Twenty eight minutes till Burns comes. Time for operation Mail Take.
+Can I help you?
+They always told me I was gonna destroy the family, but I never believed it.
+Oh, don't be frightened of this. It's nothing but a letter opener. Who are you?
+Homer Simpson.
+Simpson, eh? Simpson. Oh, why, there's a letter here from you. I'll just read it right now. "Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood. And your card was just great." Why, Simpson. You've made my day. You're a true gentleman.
+Yeah, well I'll be on my --
+Hello, there's more. "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic..."
+"...you stink, you are a senile, buck-toothed..." "...old mummy... with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!"
+Hey, c'mon, Joey! Do you have to twist my arm?
+Homer, I don't tell you how to do your job. Okay?
+I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
+"Senile," eh? "Buck-toothed," am I? "Bony arms," are they? "Liver spots," did I? "Chinless," will you?
+His pink slip awaits your signature, sir.
+Now, that's odd. I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers. Have him beaten to a pulp.
+But, sir --
+But what?
+Nothing, sir.
+Oh, I've never seen Mr. Burns this mad and he's always kinda mad.
+Me and my big... letter writing pen!
+Honey, what's done is done. No matter what happens, we'll pull through. We always do.
+Okay, here's the plan. You can move in with your sisters and raise the kids. And I'll... die in a gutter. It's practical and within our means.
+That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.
+You know Homer Simpson?
+Yeah, nice guy. Play poker with him once in a while.
+Hmmm huh. We uh, need him beaten up.
+You got it.
+What is it?
+Ah, nothing.
+Beat, but don't kick.
+Hold the kicks. Got it.
+Uh, um, umm...
+Hey, what did Homie do anyway?
+He saved Mr. Burns' life!
+In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you. What's that you say? Me thanking you? No, it's not a misprint. For you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much as you enjoyed reading it. The end.
+Ah Smithers, how'd the beating go?
+Sir, uh... there was no beating.
+What? Well that's a hell of a thing! Why?
+Because... I... I called it off.
+I'm sorry, sir. But I just couldn't hurt Homer Simpson. He saved your life.
+I know you're mad at me, but I think it's only fair to warn you, I'm going to stand outside the gate until you forgive me.
+No need, Smithers. As usual, you've been the sober "ying" to my raging "yang." Put 'er there, old pal.
+Sir, while I wish this handshake would never end, I'm, I'm afraid we still have the Simpson matter to attend to.
+We do indeed, old friend. We do indeed.
+Moe's Tavern. Where the elite meet to drink.
+Eh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
+Hold on, I'll check. Mike Rotch. Mike Rotch. Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch, lately?
+Listen you little puke. One of these days I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick.
+What's the matter Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self.
+I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one.
+Homer, hey, you should not drink to forget your problems.
+Yeah, you should only drink to enhance your social skills.
+We'll get the Simpsons a present, an extravagant present! A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!
+Ooo, too practical.
+Too cutesy-poo.
+Too cornball.
+A pool table? Are you mad? I'm not gonna turn his home into a saloon.
+Eureka! We've found it!
+B-but, sir... it's thirty-two thousand dollars.
+Don't you dare sully this moment with your price taggery! It's perfect!
+Oh, woe is me.
+Oh, my! It's Mr. Burns.
+Heave-ho! Heave-ho! Heave-ho! Heave-ho! Heave-ho!
+Wait, Dad, he's smiling.
+Mr. Burns, you brought us a present.
+Why, what did you think I was going to do -- have you beaten to a bloody pulp?
+To show there's no hard feelings, please take an advance copy of my book, "Will There Ever Be A Rainbow?" And now, young fellow, I haven't forgotten you. Here.
+Wow! A crowbar!
+It's to open the crate, stupid.
+What did I tell you? I'll bet it's filled with diamonds, rubies, sapphires, pearls...
+Wow! A big ugly head!
+Actually, son, it's a big, ugly Olmec Indian head. It was carved by Meso-American Indians over 3,000 years ago. This gruesome customer is Xt'tapalatakettle, the god of war.
+Awesome!
+No, Maggie. Not Az-tec. Ol-mec. Ol-mec.
+Marge, what does it do?
+It doesn't do anything.
+Marge! Really, what does it do?
+Whatever it does, it's doing it now.
+Well, I'll let you get acquainted with Señor Xt'tapalatakettle. Ta!
+Did you see their faces, Smithers?
+Sir, you're my god of generosity.
+Save a guy's life, and whattaya get? Nothin'! Worse than nothin'! Just a big, scary rock.
+Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head.
+Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of this story is, "A good deed is its own reward."
+Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
+Well then, I guess the moral is, "No good deed goes unrewarded."
+Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
+Well... then I guess the moral is, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease."
+Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
+Exactly. It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
+But it certainly was a memorable few days!
+Amen to that!
+Bart... Bart... Hey, Bart.
+Lisa? It's six a.m. Something's wrong! Dad died!
+No, no. He's fine.
+Well, what do you know? I'm relieved.
+Bart, my birthday is in two days. I'm gonna be eight years old. It's a big number -- almost double digits.
+Well, enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you hit the big one-oh. Your legs start to go... candy doesn't taste as good anymore --
+Lisa did it.
+Bart, will you please let me pour my little heart out?
+Sorry, this old timer does ramble on sometimes, don't he?
+Bart, I do so much for you and yet you have disappointed me on every one of my birthdays. I've made things for you. But you've lost or broken them in hours... but, okay, we'll forget all...
+Okay, uh-huh. Okay, okay,. Okay, okay, okay okay, it's done! I'm doing it! Birthday gift coming your way!
+Oh, thank you.
+Bart, watch Maggie while I get the laundry.
+Can do.
+Hm... Krusty hotline.
+Hi kids! You've reached the Krusty Hotline. If you haven't asked your parents' permission, naughty naughty! But Krusty forgives you! Two dollars for the first minute, fifty cents for each additional minute.
+Thanks for calling kids! A new message every day.
+Maggie!
+Bart, I asked you to watch your sister!
+I tried to stop her but she overpowered me.
+Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?
+I washed it.
+Oh thank you, Marge -- Pink?
+Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.
+Now Homer, don't panic. You have plenty of white shirts.
+Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
+Oh no... Pink. Pink! PINK! It's all over, Marge. It's all over.
+I don't know how this could have happened.
+Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle!
+You! You did this to me!
+Homer, please. No one's going to notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.
+Wait a minute, go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?
+Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir. He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.
+Simpson, eh? Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of free-thinking anarchist.
+I'll call security, sir.
+Excellent. These color monitors have already paid for themselves.
+Hey Homer, we saved you a doughnut.
+It has pink frosting!
+Mmm, thanks -- It looks... Hey, wait a minute! Just because I'm wearing a pink shirt, it doesn't mean I'm some kind of a... pink doughnut-eater! Although it is tempting --
+Drop that doughnut.
+Let's go, Pinky.
+You don't understand... my son just threw his red hat in with the white laundry...
+Spare me the tired semantics of the Simpson family! Take him away!
+You know, Mr. Burns, his body cavity search revealed nothing and we must have x-rayed him a hundred times. Maybe he's telling the truth.
+Or perhaps you two are in cahoots. Smithers, I seem to recall you had a penchant for bell-bottom trousers back in '79.
+Uh, sir, that was my costume from the plant production of H.M.S. Pinafore.
+Oh, yes, of course. Your spirited hornpipe stole the show, as I recall. Now Doctor, what shall we do about our free wheeling fop over here?
+Well, Monty, it used to be that establishing a patient's sanity took months. That's all changed, thanks to the "Marvin Monroe Take Home Personality Test." Twenty simple questions that will determine just how crazy or meshuggenah, someone is.
+Print name?
+Honey, do me a favor. Fill out this form.
+Homer, this is an intimate psychological profile. I can't fill this out for you.
+All right, all right. I'll get Lisa to do it.
+Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
+LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY /
+Well, all right -- if you listen to the poem I just wrote.
+Meditations on turning eight, by Lisa Simpson. I had a cat named Snowball -- She died, she died! Mom said she was sleeping -- She lied, she lied! Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me, instead? I had a hamster named Snuffy -- He died, --
+No deal.
+Dad, maybe you should do this.
+Son, it's no different than the time I let you vote for me. Remember that absentee ballot?
+Oh, yeah.
+Our $50,000 Home Video Finalists are: "Man Breaking Hip."
+"Dog on Fire." Ruff! Anybody order a hot dog?
+Look at him!
+And finally, "Baby With A Nail Gun."
+Okay, it's time to cast your votes now.
+Dog on Fire! Dog on Fire!
+Hey, Dad. "Do you hear voices?"
+Yes, I'm hearing one right now, while I'm trying to watch TV.
+Yes. "Are you quick to anger?"
+Bart! Shut up or I'll shut you up!
+Yes. "Do you wet your pants?" Well, even the best of us has an occasional accident.
+So, did I pass?
+Careful, men. He wets his pants.
+The devil with his fly open.
+Right...
+That's a spill on a floor with bugs goin' after it. They're gonna eat it.
+Good...
+Arrghh!
+HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA /
+The boy! This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
+Well, we have a very simple method.
+Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.
+Put him in with the big white guy who thinks he's a little black guy.
+Who are you?
+Hi. I'm Michael Jackson, from the Jacksons.
+I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.
+I can't believe you've never heard of me. I'm a very popular entertainer.
+Oh, of course I've heard of you. I mean you'd have to be living under a rock not to know -- what'd you say your name was?
+Michael Jackson.
+Doesn't ring a bell.
+Thriller?
+What was that last one?
+Thriller.
+Well, how about this? BILLIE JEAN IS NOT MY LOVER / SHE'S JUST A GIRL WHO SAYS THAT I AM THE ONE / BUT THE KID IS NOT MY SON. HEE, HEE, HEE!
+Wow. How do you do that thing with your feet?
+The moonwalk?
+No, that thing with your feet.
+Here look. Just raise your heel a bit and put a little pressure on the ball of your foot.
+Hee hee hee...
+You seem like a nice guy. Why'd they put you in here?
+Because I wore a pink shirt.
+I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed.
+What'd you wear?
+One white glove, covered with rhinestones.
+Bbl--bbl--bbl--bbl--
+Bart, in the split second before he died, I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present. You see how this relates to us?
+Hey, you want that once a year empty gesture. You got it, sis.
+Hey, Michael, I don't get it. These guys seem as normal as you and me.
+Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. Give him any two numbers and he can multiply them in his head, just like that.
+Okay. Five times nine.
+Forty-five.
+We call this guy the Chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word, never moves a muscle.
+Hey, Chief.
+Well, it's about time somebody reach out to me.
+Gee, I gotta call my family.
+Oh, this is so embarrassing, calling 'em from a nut house. I mean, they think I'm a god.
+I could call them for you.
+Oh great! And uh, try to put a good face on this. Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.
+Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
+Hello. Who is this?
+I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
+I'm Michael Jackson.
+The Michael Jackson? No way!
+It's true. I'm with your father, in a mental institution.
+Uh-huh. And is Elvis with you?
+He could be. It's a big hospital.
+Aw, come on. If you're really Michael Jackson, who were your last four dates for the Grammys?
+Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles.
+Shiver me timbers, you are Michael Jackson. Can you stay on the line while I get all my friends and relatives?
+I'm afraid not, Bart. Your father really needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you?
+Hmmmm, lobotomy...
+That's all right, son.
+Well, there's probably a down-size I don't see. Uh-huh... New Bedlam Asylum... loves us... needs us... fears he may never see us again... Got it... Michael Jackson. Whoo-hoo! I love you, man.
+Hey Mom, Dad's in a mental institution.
+Oh my God! Mother was right.
+Now Homer, don't you worry. Your family's gonna be here before you know it.
+Forget it, pal, there's only one way out of here and it ain't pretty.
+What's that?
+Dating a nurse.
+I told you kids you were going to send your father to the crazy house.
+No, mom, you said poor house.
+I said crazy house!
+Poor house.
+Crazy house!
+Poor house.
+Crazy house!
+Hello, you've reached the New Bedlam "Wrongly Committed" Hotline. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line.
+What's wrong, Homer?
+This place is so strange. Mike, I'm ashamed to admit it to another guy, but I'm... scared.
+We all get scared once in a while. Maybe I can help you.
+HOMER, THE TWO OF US NEED LOOK NO MORE / WE BOTH FOUND WHAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR / WITH A FRIEND TO CALL MY OWN / I'LL NEVER BE ALONE / AND YOU MY FRIEND WILL SEE / YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME.
+Pancakes... football... Boobies...
+Bubbles, it's gonna be a long night.
+I WISH YOU LOVE AND GOOD WILL / I WISH YOU PEACE AND JOY /
+Please feel free to express yourselves. In these sessions we want you to feel relaxed and uninhibited.
+Okay, so I was working at an insurance company, right? Huh! Youngest VP in the history of the firm. Okay? The job was my life. Then one Monday morning, I got up and I couldn't leave the house. I just couldn't.
+Was the door locked?
+No, I just couldn't face what was out there.
+Was it raining?
+No, Homer. Dave suffers from agoraphobia -- a fear of open areas and crowds. Please, Dave, go on.
+Thank you. Anyway, that day I knew I-I just couldn't make that long drive to work.
+Were you out of gas?
+Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.
+Doctor, if you just talked to him for five minutes without mentioning our son, Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
+You mean there really is a Bart? Good Lord!
+Mmm... pancakes.
+Oh, Mr. Simpson, you've got a visitor.
+Oh, Homie.
+Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, we believe you're no threat to yourself or others.
+That's the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me. Could I have it in writing, please?
+Of course.
+Not insane.
+I'm proud of you, Homer.
+Thanks a lot, Michael. You really helped me get through this. If you ever find your marbles, come visit us.
+Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily.
+You are? Why?
+Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my "Off the Wall" album just got one lousy Grammy nomination.
+HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME / HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME / HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OVERLOOKED MIDDLE CHILD -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
+Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
+Boy, when I get home, I'm going to wrap my hands around your neck --
+-- And smother you with kisses.
+Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose.
+Now listen. I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days... Isn't that cute -- he's heard of you! Now, make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some beer on ice.
+Um Homer, I'm a vegetarian. And I don't drink.
+Are you sure you're here voluntarily?
+Yes. Now Homer, please make sure he doesn't tell anybody I'm coming.
+Yes Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul... No, not even Milhouse.
+Hello, Milhouse? Can you keep a secret?
+Oh well, who cares. Michael Jackson is coming to my house!
+Michael Jackson!
+Michael Jackson!
+Michael Jackson!
+Aunt Bella! Wait a minute. I got a call on the other line. Michael Jackson!
+Michael Jackson!
+Michael Jackson!
+We've just been handed a bulletin from our Rock 'N' Rumor Department.
+That's right, Michael Jackson -- the Thriller himself -- is moonwalkin' his way right here to our very own Spring- field!
+And while we go check it out, why don't you enjoy our seldom heard, extra longggg version of "In-a-Gadda-da-Vida."
+Michael Jackson! Oh such a thing happens once in a blue moon. Do I dare to leave my post?
+Aye carumba!
+This is the most exciting thing to happen to our fair town since the uh Dalai Lama visited in 1952. And so, I hereby declare that Route 401, currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway, will henceforth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway.
+And the guy in the pink shirt is the father of the family who, it turns out, was just released from a mental hospital.
+Thanks everybody! It's great to be sane.
+Here he is! Here's the guy you wanna see.
+Huh? Huh?
+He's three hundred pounds.
+He's white.
+He's dressed without flair.
+What the hell made me think Michael Jackson would even visit this jerkwater burg?
+You owe us Michael Jackson.
+Don't ever show your face around here again, ya tool.
+Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood, and before I join them I have one question: Today is my birthday -- you promised to get me something, and... and I'm afraid to ask.
+You know, maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask.
+I thought so. Oh, Bart, you...
+Come off. I'm sane now.
+Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me for my birthday to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only. Perhaps if a professional so advises, I will give you a hug at some far distant family reunion, but rest assured it will be purely for show.
+Hey, Bart.
+Hey... you.
+I WISH YOU BETTER THAN YOUR HEART DESIRE /
+Bart, when I was a kid, I didn't have much money. So you know what I did when my sisters' birthdays rolled around?
+Stiffed 'em?
+No. I wrote them a song. To show that I cared.
+I can't write a song. I'm only ten.
+Only ten? When I was your age I had six gold records.
+Hey, Looney Tunes, this is what Michael Jackson looks like. You look like a big fat mental patient.
+You'd be amazed how often I hear that.
+Just leave me alone.
+Look boy, either Michael Jackson is some guy working in a recording studio in LA or he's here with you willing to work on this song. It's your choice. So long.
+Wait, wait, Michael! You go sit at the piano and I'll boil some coffee.
+LISA, HER TEETH ARE BIG AND GREEN / LISA, SHE SMELLS LIKE GASOLINE / LISA, DA DA DA DEESA / SHE IS MY SIS-TA, HER BIRTHDAY I MISSED-TA.
+Uh, no.
+Bart, we've got to get to your real feelings about your sister.
+I don't have any.
+Well, let's go look at her. Maybe that will help.
+Ah, she looks sad.
+That's cause she knows you're looking at her.
+Although I am aware you are looking at me, I would look exactly the same even if you weren't.
+Bart, think. What happens to you when you turn eight?
+Well, your training wheels come off your bike.
+Good. That's good. THE TRAINING WHEELS COME OFF YOUR BIKE / YOU START TO NOTICE BOYS YOU LIKE...HEE, HEE, HEE.
+You're just putting that in because it's commercial.
+Lisa... Lisa... Lisa.
+Huh... wha-- Bart, it's six a.m.
+That's right! Hope you like your present. And a-one, and a-two, and a one, two, three, four --
+LI-SA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / AND GOD BLESS YOU THIS DAY / YOU GAVE ME THE GIFT OF A LITTLE SISTER / AND I'M PROUD OF YOU TODAY...
+HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA /
+AND YOUR FIRST KISS FROM A BOY...
+LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA /
+LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA...
+Oh! This is the best present I ever got. Thank you, Bart. Thank you Michael.
+Well, my work is done here.
+Hey, Michael. What happened to your voice?
+This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowski and I'm a brick layer from Patterson, New Jersey. All my life I was very angry until one day I just talked like this. All of a sudden everybody was smiling at me, and I was only doin' good on this earth, so I kept on doin' it. To make a tired point. Which one of us is truly crazy?
+Not me. I got this.
+Bye, bye, Leon / Bye, roomie / Bye, Pardner / You're a credit to Dementia!
+See ya!
+LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / GOD BLESS YOU THIS DAY / YOU GAVE-A ME THE GIFT-A DA DOO DA DEE DEE DOO DOO / AND I'M A PROUD OF YOU TODAY!
+LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA / LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA...
+I WISH YOU LOVE AND GOOD WILL / I WISH YOU PEACE AND JOY /
+I WISH YOU BETTER THAN YOUR HEART'S DESIRE /
+AND YOUR FIRST KISS FROM A BOY...
+LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA / LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA...
+Take it away, Lis.
+LISA IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY / HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA...
+Stupid junk mail... "You May Have Already Won!" Yeah, win this... "Here's Good News for Homer Simpsoy"... I'll see that he gets it. How dumb do they think I am?
+Huh? A check?
+One Million dollars? I'm rich!
+Mr. Simpson, I can assure you this "check" of yours is non-negotiable.
+Oh yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure?
+You see where it says "VOID-VOID-VOID" and "This Is Not A Check"? "Cash value one twentieth of a cent"? "Mr. Banker, do not honor."
+Shut up.
+I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars something queers the deal.
+I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
+Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
+Marge, I never read a magazine in my life and I'm not gonna start now.
+Hey, a cartoon.
+"Well dear, you always wanted a compact." -- Ain't it the truth.
+No, it is not the truth, Homer. It's well documented that women are safer drivers than men.
+Oh, Marge. Cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
+Hey, Einstein. Put down your readin', it's lunchtime.
+Nah, you go ahead.
+Hey, You don't wanna eat? What'd ya do, get one of them stomach staples?
+As Tolstoy said in "Quotable Notables," "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."
+Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
+Homer Simpson, sir.
+Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate.
+We now return to Troy McClure and Delores Montenegro in "Preacher with a Shovel."
+But irrigation can save your people, Chief Smiling Bear.
+Marge, look at them staring at that idiot box. God forbid they would ever read something and improve their minds.
+You've certainly taken a shine to that magazine.
+Important.
+Ooh... How about the "V"?
+It's not just one magazine, Marge. They take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket.
+Those kids don't know what they're missing.
+Hey, what gives, man?
+We're all gonna sit down as a family and listen to an inspiring story of wilderness survival.
+"Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread: The pitiless bark of the sea lion." He'll be killed!
+Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
+Don't be so...
+Oh, you're right.
+Homie... Put down your magazine for a minute...
+I thought you might want to snuggle.
+That reminds me! "Seven Ways To Spice Up Your Marriage."
+Marge, you have a nice body. And if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask.
+Thank you, Homie.
+Wow, little meatloaf men!
+Where did you get the idea for this, Mom?
+Where do you think? This baby never steers you wrong. And it was free. Free!
+It certainly has enriched our lives.
+Wow! "Win a Trip to Washington D.C."! "All expenses paid... VIP tour"... Oh. It's for kids.
+Wait, Dad!
+Hm. An essay contest. "Children under twelve"... "Three hundred words"... "Fiercely pro-American." Sounds interesting.
+Bart, maybe this is something you'd like to do, too.
+Mom, it's a nice thought, but we both know that this is the pony to bet on.
+What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today? He'd say... oh, think of a better opening.
+How's it going, honey?
+Not very well.
+Ooh... And Miss? Just one more question --
+Well, when I used to get stuck like this, I'd go for a bike ride. Do kids go on bike rides anymore?
+I don't know, I thought maybe bikes weren't cool anymore. Do kids still use that word, "cool"?
+Yes, Mom.
+Okay, America. Inspire me.
+Wow, a bald eagle.
+Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad.
+Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine.
+"So burn the flag if you must. But before you do, you'd better burn a few other things. You better burn your shirt and your pants. Be sure to burn your TV and car. Oh yes, and don't forget to burn your house. Because none of those things could exist without six white stripes, seven red stripes, and a hell of a lotta stars." Thank you very much.
+YEAH! Damn right!
+Recipe for a free country: Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power...
+My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. I am the American Non-Voter...
+... Stirring two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances...
+"Ding." "Dong." The sounds of the Liberty Bell. "Ding." Freedom. "Dong." Opportunity. "Ding." Excellent schools. "Dong." Quality hospitals...
+When America was born on that hot July day in 1776, the trees in Springfield Forest were tiny saplings, trembling towards the sun. And as they were nourished by Mother Earth, so too did our fledgling nation find strength in the simple ideals of equality and justice. Who would have thought such mighty oaks, or such a powerful nation, could grow out of something so fragile... so pure. Thank you.
+What do you think?
+It's good. A little too good for an eight-year-old. Methinks I detect the sickly scent of the daddy.
+Person.
+Mr. Simpson, I'd like to ask you a few questions about your daughter's essay. Lisa, will you excuse us?
+"We the purple"? What the hell was that?
+Are you a professional writer?
+Are you interested in politics or government?
+Are you interested in anything?
+Could you touch your nose for me?
+Lisa, after meeting your father, I've decided to award you an additional five points. Congratulations. You and your family are going to Washington!
+Woo hoo! Who would've guessed reading and writing would pay off?
+Yes, sir. Can I get you something?
+Playing cards, notepad, aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin, propellor-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask and anything else I've got coming to me.
+I'll see what I can do.
+Steward!
+Little boy, I bet you'd like to visit the cockpit.
+Oh baby!
+And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle. Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats?
+No thank you, I'd rather push this button.
+We're all gonna die!
+Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do... Taxi!
+Oooh, look, Homer. The IRS.
+BOOOOO!
+Oh, boo yourself!
+Here we are, kids! The Watergate.
+Uh... okay.
+Homer, look! They give you a shower cap, and body gel and bathrobes... Ooh, and a welcoming mint on your pillow.
+Wowww -- A shoehorn! Just like in the movies!
+Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
+Hey, I call first bedsies!
+Bart! There's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up.
+Well, okay, which one do you want?
+Iiiiiii Waaaaaannt... That one.
+Really, you want that one? It's all yours. Whatever you say.
+Why? What's wrong with it?
+Nothing! Have a good night's sleep, Lisa.
+No, really, what?
+Nothing.
+What did you do to it?
+Nothing.
+Stupid welcoming mint! Y'ello.
+Good morning. This is your wake-up call.
+Wake-up call? It's two AM!
+Sorry fatso.
+Free food?!
+Lisa? I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
+Ooh! I love your magazine. My favorite section is "How To Increase Your Word Power." That thing is really, really, really good.
+Well... good.
+Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists. This is Truong Van Dinh and Maria Dominguez.
+Maria is the national spelling bee champion, and Truong has won both the Westinghouse Talent Search and the NFL Punt, Pass and Kick Competition.
+Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior ability?
+Sure, I guess.
+Ah, me too!
+These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places other tourists never see.
+Miss? What does the "I" stand for?
+Ah! What does the "I" stand for again?
+"On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to back-300 games."
+Yeah, right.
+Wow, the President's bathroom!
+Do you mind?!
+Barbara Bush.
+Oh, you have those damn badges. Okay, this tub was installed in 1894...
+Mmmmmm... Money.
+Hey, watch it, chief!
+Folks, we print more than eighteen million bills a day. Oh, and in case you were wondering... no we, we don't give out free samples.
+Lousy cheap country...
+BART! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis!
+Hey, what's so funny?
+Oh Marge, grow up.
+Congressman, this is Springfield National Forest.
+Now basically, what we want to do is cut her down.
+Huh uh.
+As you can see in our artist's rendition it's full of old growth, just aging and festering away. In comes our logging company... to thin out the clutter. It's all part of nature's, y'know, cycle.
+Well Jerry, you're a whale of a Lobbyist And I'd like to give you a logging permit. I would, but uh, this isn't like burying toxic waste. People are gonna notice those trees are gone.
+Uh, Congressman... this is where it gets awkward, I... I never quite know how to put this... I just want to...
+...Offer me a bribe?
+Ohhh... What is it?
+It's that little girl from Springfield who wrote the essay. Could be a good photo op.
+Uh, sure, fine.
+So, where do we...
+Not here. I've got a little place that I use for these uh... matters. Call me tonight.
+Well hi there! You must be Lisa Simpson.
+Hello, sir.
+Lisa, you're a doer. And who knows, maybe some day you'll be a congressman or a senator. We have quite a few women senators, you know.
+Only two. I checked.
+You're a sharp one. Well, how about a few pictures?
+A tot shot always plays in the sticks.
+Ah, isn't that nice. Now, there is a politician who cares.
+If I ever vote, it'll be for him.
+Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours.
+I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial?
+Who's that?
+An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floormop Rebellion of 1910. Later she appeared on the highly unpopular 75 cent piece.
+Okay, but you don't know what you're missing.
+"I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor laws." Amen, sister.
+I told you no one ever came here.
+So, Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest? Do I get my logging permit?
+Well, let me put it this way, Jerry... Tim-berrr!
+Ugh, what a pooch.
+Woof woof!
+How could I read my essay now? I don't believe my own words.
+Honest Abe. He'll show me the way.
+Mr. Lincoln, I...
+Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice. What can I do to make this a better country?
+Is this a good time to buy a house?
+I can't get my boy to brush proper.
+Would I look good with a moustache?
+...So I tries usin' turpentine, but that jes' made it worse...
+Mr. Lincoln, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
+Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
+I know your problem, the Lincoln Memorial was too crowded.
+Sorry, sir. It's just that...
+No one ever comes to see me. I don't blame them, I never did anything important. Just The Declaration of Independence, the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter...
+Uh, maybe I should be going. I caught you at a bad time.
+Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely.
+The truth must be told.
+Rudy my man, you're a miracle worker.
+Your laundry, sir.
+There you go... buy yourself something nice.
+Thank you!
+Bart, are you ready to go to... I'll room service you...
+Before you kill me, remember, this trip is "All Expenses Paid."
+THE DEFICIT RAG / OH, YEAH, THE DEFICIT RAG / THOSE BUDGET GAPS CAN BE A TWELVE-DIGIT DRAG / I'M TELLIN' YA THAT'S THE DEFICIT / THEY REALLY MADE A MESS OF IT / THAT'S THE DEFICIT RA-A-G! Thank you!
+Oh, this guy is awful.
+I know, honey, but just sit still.
+Welcome, everyone to the awards luncheon. I'd like to introduce our distinguished judges who will select our scholarship winner.
+Former Redskins great, Alonzo Flowers... perennial third-party candidate, Wilson DeFarge...Senate page, Brad Fletcher... skin-care consultant, Rowena... and wealthy gadabout, Chilton Gaines.
+Our first essayist will be Lisa Simpson. ...Lisa?... Lisa?
+Oh, there she is. Lisa Simpson will now read her essay...
+I would like to read a different essay, if I may.
+"The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some 200 years ago, and very little has changed. It stank then, and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air."
+Cool! A ruckus!
+"And who did I see taking a bribe, but the "Honorable" Bob Arnold. But don't worry, Congressman, I'm sure you can buy all the votes you need with your dirty money. And this will be one nation, under the dollar, with liberty and justice for none."
+Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest.
+Please son, I'm very busy.
+A little girl is losing faith in democracy.
+Good lord!
+Congressman, we want to drill for oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head.
+Well... Teddy who?
+Congressman, you're under arrest.
+You work fast.
+I work for Uncle Sam!
+We will now vote on the House Bill 1022, the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
+Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we tack on a pay raise for ourselves?
+Okay, this should make my bosses very happy.
+Your bosses?
+Yep! All 250 million of them.
+"When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel balancing centers. Where else but in America, or possibly Canada, could our family find such opportunity? That's why, whenever I see the stars and stripes, I'll always be reminded of that wonderful word -- flag."
+There will be a brief recess while the judges tabulate their votes.
+Lisa, what's gotten into you?
+Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd pleasin'.
+I'm sorry, Dad. I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks.
+Extra! Extra! Feds nab rotten Rep!
+Gimme one of those!
+"Imprisoned Congressman becomes born-again Christian".
+I can't believe it! The system works.
+THE TRADING GAP SHUFFLE / WE'RE IN A HEAP-A TROUBLE / A-DOIN' THE TRADING GAP SHUFFLE! YES SIR!
+He already sang this song!
+No, that was about the budget gap. This is the trading gap.
+And now, the moment of truth: Will the winning essay be... "Bubble On, O Melting Pot"... "Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady"... "USA: A-O.K."... or "Cesspool On The Potomac"?
+Cesspool cesspool cesspool cesspool cesspool...
+And now the winner is, "USA: A-O.K." by Truong Van Dinh.
+Miss Crowley, thank you for this over-sized novelty check. I would like to share this honor with all of my fellow essayists. Particularly the courageous Lisa Simpson, whose inflammatory rhetoric reminded us that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
+Give her the check!
+I was serious.
+SAY, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT LISA S. / SHE'S THE LITTLE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD MUCKRAKER-ESS / SHE CAUGHT A CROOK AND REALLY MADE HIM PAY / SHE DID IT ALL IN JUST ONE DAY / THAT'S WHAT I WOULD CALL / BEING ON THE BALL!
+Lis, you taught me to stand up for what I believe in.
+Why Homer, you silly goose! The weed whacker's just for the edges! You're gonna be out here all day!
+I'm almost done.
+You are a picture and a half! Well -- hee hee! -- if you're finished by tomorrow, come on over and strap on the feed bag. We're gonna fire up old Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat! Nummy nummy num!
+I'll be there. Not-y not-y not.
+"The Flanders are having a beef-a-thon! Incredible Ned-ibles! Maude-acious vittles!".
+I think it means he's having a barbecue.
+Well, why doesn't he just say so?
+He's trying to be friendly. You know, if you gave Ned Flanders a chance --
+Oh, here we go again. Look, I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world, he's a jerk. End of story.
+We can't hold it against him, just because he has things a little better than we do --
+Excuse me? Better? Thanks a lot, Marge, you really put me in my place.
+Oh, Homer.
+Don't get me wrong, it's worth feeling three inches tall to find out what kind of a person you really are. Marge Simpson... President of the International We Love Flanders Fan Club...
+Fee fi fo fum! I smell the potatoes au gratin of Marge Simp-son! Mmmm- mmm!
+Hi, Ned. Homer sends his apologies, but uh... there was some important work at the plant that only he could take care of.
+We now return you to the exciting fifteenth round action at the Canadian Football League draft.
+And so the Saskatchewan Rough Riders, who scored only four rouges all last season, Jack, get the kicker they so sorely need...
+Stupid Flanders... always showing off. Go ahead, Marge, have a ball... What if they game back and I was dead from not eating? They'd cry their eyes out. We should have never gone to the Flanders'. Oh, why did we go to the Flanders' house and leave Homer all alone with no food. And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave.
+What is it, boy? What? Mmmmmmmm... bar-b-que.
+Hey, everyone, I'm back! Great to see ya! Nice seein' ya!
+Heya, Homer!
+Okay, thanks for comin'!
+You're "it"!
+Electricity!
+No electricity. Electricity only in freeze tag.
+Okay... Now you're "it"!
+Hey, no tagbacks.
+Yeah, you cheater!
+You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
+The fly was funny and a booger was the icing on the cake...
+Friends, we love you all, but I also have a "sinister" motive for asking you all here -- "sinister" being Latin for "left-handed." But enough joking.
+That was a joke?
+As of Friday, I'm saying toodle-oo to the pharmaceutical game.
+No, I kid you not. Here's the noose I had to wear for ten years.
+What are you going to do, Ned?
+Well sir, like one out of every nine Americans, I'm left-handed. And let me tell you, it ain't all peaches and cream. Your writing gets smeared. Lord help you if you want to drive a standard transmission.
+Well sir, I'm opening a one-stop store for Southpaws. Everything from left-handed apple peelers to left-handed zithers. I'm gonna call it the Leftorium.
+So Homer, I'm dyin' to know. What do you think of the Leftorium?
+Uh... Sounds like a pretty dumb idea to me.
+Well, I know it's a little risky and it's gonna be a lot of hard work, but gosh darn it, it's gonna be a lot of fun, too.
+Fun? Where is this store, Flanders? The merry old land of Oz?
+Oh, no. The Springfield Mall.
+Oh, here, you two. Make a wish.
+It's fun.
+No, it isn't.
+You must have something you want to wish for, Homer.
+Hmm, let's see.
+Heyyyy.
+Come on, Homer! I got an ambition to do some wishin'!
+Keep your pants on, Flanders! I'm wishing as fast as I can!
+Mmmm -- too far.
+Okay. Ready.
+Yesssss! Oh yessss! Read it and weep. In your face. I've got more chicken bone!
+What'd you wish for, Homer?
+No, no, no, don't say. Otherwise it won't come true.
+Oooh. That would be a shame.
+Wouldn't it, Flanders?
+Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
+Six. Seven if there's something good on.
+Don't you think you should get a little fresh air and maybe some exercise?
+Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?
+Marge, TV gives so much and asks so little. It's a boy's best friend.
+That's the problem. Even as we speak, millions of children are staring at the TV instead of getting some much-needed exercise. Those children's parents should be ashamed of themselves.
+Hello, I am Akira. HA!
+That didn't hurt very much because I know the ancient art of karate.
+Karate focuses the mind and gives one self-confidence.
+People from all walks of life... doctors...
+Hii--ya!
+... homemakers...
+Hoo--yea!
+... landscape architects...
+Ugh--ya!
+... choreographers...
+High karate at low, low prices.
+I cannot tell a lie, this is a great deal.
+Hey Mom, how 'bout if I learn karate? Will that we make you happy?
+That sounds fine, Bart.
+See, Marge? You knock TV and then it helps you out. I think you owe somebody a little apology.
+Well, if it isn't the Leftorium.
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
+Hey Flanders, how's business?
+Oh, a little pokey, but things are gonna pick up.
+I am so sorry. How much do I owe you?
+Now, you put that money away. That was an accident.
+Really? Well, thanks. Could you validate my parking?
+Absotively posilutely.
+So, Flanders, have you sold anything?
+N-Not yet. But one of the mall security guards took a good long look at a left-handed ice cream scoop.
+Greetings. I am Akira, your guide on the path to true karate. And this is our map, the Art of War by Sun Tzu. It will teach us our most important lesson: we learn karate so that we need never use it.
+Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchucks?
+Ah, yes, the impetuousness of youth! For now, let us read.
+Akira, my good man. When do we break blocks of ice with our heads?
+First you must fill your head with wisdom. Then you can hit ice with it.
+Yo, sensei, can I go to the bathroom?
+You can, if you believe you can.
+Paying money to read books... the hell with this.
+Come on, Touch of death. Touch of death. Touch of death.
+Touch of death!
+I'm telling you, Flanders' store was dee-serted. So what do you think of your bestest buddy now, Marge?
+Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
+No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
+It's the German term for "shameful joy" -- taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
+Oh, come on, Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt. He's usually all happy and comfortable and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?
+Sour grapes.
+Boy, those Germans have a word for everything.
+So Bart, what did you learn in karate school today?
+Yeah, come on boy, this better be worth my ten bucks.
+Uh, I learned the touch of death.
+Ooh, the touch of death.
+Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace.
+Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it! Hey, quit it, quit it, quit it! M-o-o-o-m!
+Bart, don't use the touch of death on your sister.
+Uh-oh. Gotta get back to karate class.
+You missed a spot.
+All right. Comin' through. Outta my way. Move it along. Step aside, lady.
+Hey, boy. How was class?
+Today we learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies.
+Oh, that'll learn 'im.
+What'd ya swipe?
+An "I Love Lefties" shot glass.
+Left-handed pinking shears.
+Pinking shears? Let's go to the Food Court and steal some baked potatoes.
+Hey Flanders, when are your busy hours?
+Oh, oh, oh, I expect things to start picking up soon. I think word of mouth is startin' to spread.
+Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.
+Oh, right as rain. Or, as we say around here, left as rain.
+Just stamp the ticket.
+Uh, okay.
+Hey Homer, how's your neighbor's store doing?
+Lousy. He just sits there all day. He'd have a great job if he didn't own the place.
+Crummy right-handed corkscrews! What does he sell?
+Uh, well actually, Moe...
+I dunno.
+Hey, Lis. Change the channel.
+You change it.
+Okay, okay.
+I grow weary of this new channel. Change it back.
+But Bart --
+Apple, apple, apple... Come on candy bar. Hey, I know you! You're that first apple I didn't want. That sinks it. I'm really gonna let 'em have it this time!
+Simpson, put that box on Mr. Burns' desk. Chop, chop!
+Ah! Look, Smithers, another member of our nuclear family, with some helpful suggestions. And what's your name?
+Homer Simpson, sir.
+Simpson, eh? Hmm hmmm. I'm Monty Burns.
+Hm. "Keep that handsome owner out of sight. He's distracting the female employees." Smithers...
+Got me, sir.
+Oh! It's a real one! "No more apples in the vending machine, please." Well, that's almost a sentence!
+Can I leave, Mr. Burns?
+Oh, of course. And don't worry, there'll be plenty of apples for you. Nobody will take away your precious apples.
+But the note was asking you to --
+Now, now, now. Tell my secretary I said you could have a free apple. She'll make everything all right, I promise.
+Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener!
+Um, Mr. Burns...
+Come on, Homer. Tell him about the store. I'm dyin' out here.
+Sorry, Flanders.
+Are you sure you're not interested? Two hundred dollars is only the asking price.
+Sorry, Ned.
+Hey, I'm flexible! You don't have to pay all at once. I'll be here all night if you change your mind.
+Hey, Flanders. Is everything okay?
+Oh, yeah. Sure. Thought I'd just get rid of some of the clutter. See anything you like?
+Oh, I get it. It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough for me! Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... Hello!
+Ah, got your eye on the gas grill. She's a butane beaut.
+I'll give you twenty bucks for it.
+Twenty? Homer, I paid three hundred dollars for this just last year.
+You were swindled, my friend. Twenty bucks. Take it or leave it.
+Oh, Homer, be reasonable.
+Sorry! No cash for Neddie! Homer keep all money! Bye bye Neddie! Bye bye!
+All right, Homer.
+Twenty dollars?
+Twenty dollars.
+Now I don't want it.
+I changed my mind. It was a passing fancy. Although perhaps if you threw in a few lawn chairs, maybe that tool bench, it might rekindle my interest.
+Hey, Bartle- eeboobely, care for a steak-a-rooney?
+Sounds scrump-didly-umptious, dear old Daddly-doodly.
+Daddly-doodly.
+Homer, this is the Flanders' entire living room set. How much did you pay for this?
+Only seventy-five beans!
+Seventy-five dollars? Ned must be desperate!
+I'm sure you did nothing to discourage this, you scavenger of human misery.
+Hey, keep your hands off my china hutch.
+Good afternoon, sir, I'm Chuck Ellis from the Springfield Collection Agency, and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay your bills.
+Oh, I know I need to pay them. But there's just so many.
+Does it make you feel good about yourself to owe people money? We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders.
+I know, but... Wait a minute. I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives over there.
+Flanders is in debt? Are you sure?
+We don't make mistakes.
+Damn right-handed ledgers... can't write in these things...
+Uh, there's a store where...
+Hey, you said you're Homer Simpson?
+See you on Thursday.
+Knock 'em dead, boy! Kid's gonna be a black belt in no time.
+Hey, check out the saxophone!
+Pretty boss, but there's something stuck on it.
+Hey, look at me -- I'm Elvis, man.
+You give that back. That belongs to me! That's mine!
+If you want it, just take it.
+Okay. We're sorry. This time we're really gonna give it to you.
+Hey, stop that.
+Hey Lis, something wrong?
+Not any more. You punks are about to get a taste of your own medicine. This is my brother... and he knows Karate.
+Oh, we're real scared.
+Please don't hurt us, Bart!
+What are you gonna do, throw your diapers at us?
+Yeah, just keep laughing, it only makes him madder. Come on, Bart, start them off with the touch of death and go from there.
+I think they've learned their lesson already, Lis.
+No, we want to see the touch of death.
+Yeah, come on Karate kid. Waste me!
+It's funny how two wrongs sometimes make a right.
+Homer! Over here!
+Oh, Flanders, I, uh, want to give you your stuff back.
+Well, there's no house to put it in, Homer, not since that nice fellow from the bank, who was only doing his job, came and locked it up.
+You're gonna live in your car?
+Oh, oh, no, it's just a little campout tonight, then off to my sister's apartment in Capital City. Hey what do think, kids? The big city!
+Say, Todd, I want to talk to your Uncle Homer. You're head of the car till I get back.
+Okay, Dad. GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP /
+PUT ON A HAPPY FACE / BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP / PUT ON A HAPPY FACE /
+TAKE OFF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY / IT'S NOT YOUR STYLE / YOU'LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DECIDED TO SMILE / TAKE OUT A PLEASANT OUTLOOK / STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN / WIPE OUT THAT FULL OF DOUBT LOOK / PUT ON A HAPPY GRIN / AND SPREAD SUNSHINE / ALL OVER THE PLACE / JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE.
+Listen to that singing... those poor fools. Homer, I'm ruined.
+I know!
+You know at times like these, I-I used to turn to the Bible and find solace. But even the good book can't help me now.
+Why not?
+I sold it to you for seven cents.
+You know, ever since that barbecue, nothing's gone right. It's like there's been a-a curse on me.
+Oh, it's all my fault.
+No it's not.
+Yes it is.
+No! You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke... I didn't listen. Homer, you were a true friend.
+No, I was a swine.
+Listen, Flanders, do you still have that store?
+For two more days. Then it becomes Libertarian Party headquarters. I hope they have better luck than I did.
+Flanders, you open that store tomorrow!
+Oh, Homer, there's no point...
+I SAID DO IT!
+Hello, Jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month, when I paid back that loan? Well, now I need you to do a favor for me.
+A left-handed corkscrew? Oh, baby!
+"Kiss Me, I'm Left-Handed"? That's a classic!
+Homer Simpson's on the phone.
+Tell him I went out.
+He needs you to help Ned Flanders.
+Ned Flanders is in trouble!?
+Smithers, I'm licked. You open this can.
+Okay, but you softened it up for me, sir.
+Hold it, Smithers! I'll open the can!
+But sir, how?
+To the mall! I'll explain on the way!
+Hurry, Neddie, hurry! Oh golly, it's a miracle!
+C'mon, you lefties. What'd I tell you?
+It's all here, and it's all backwards. That's right.
+The world has turned has it not my tin-plated friend? Look at you -- you, who were once so proud -- Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!
+My life begins today!
+Wow! What an icebreaker!
+Left-handed ledgers! Now I can write all the way to the edge!
+Ah ha ha... left-handed Nunchuks.
+The boys at the Diners Club will think I've gone quite mad. Oh, and I'll have that roadster in the corner as well.
+Yes, sir!
+Huzzah for the shopkeep!
+Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors. But you made us friends.
+To Ned Flanders... the richest left- handed man in town.
+Everybody! GREY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP /
+STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN / WIPE OFF THAT FULL OF DOUBT LOOK / SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN / AND SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE / JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE!
+Good mornin' world!
+Good morning Lisa!
+What are you so happy about?
+Why shouldn't I be happy? It's a beautiful day, my homework is done, I've got my mojo workin' and we're goin' on a field trip this afternoon.
+And... looks like I got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge.
+Hey! It's not in here. You stole it!
+No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart.
+Hey, look what I got. A genuine official police badge... Calling all cars... come out with your hands up!
+Hey, that's my badge, Homer.
+That's Officer Homer. Heh heh, heh, heh.
+... Lousy prize-grabbing... badge-wearing...
+You ate my homework?
+I didn't know dogs really did that.
+Wait! Wait!
+Bart Simpson! You're late! Go fill out a tardy slip.
+But I'm only... ... ... five... ten... twenty... forty minutes? That's pretty damn late.
+Hey girls! Look at me!
+You can stop lookin' at me now.
+Well, it's nearly one o'clock. And you know what that means.
+My glasses.
+That's right. It's time for our field trip to the chocolate factory. I trust you all remembered to bring your permission slips.
+What a day.
+I'm gonna eat EIGHT pieces of chocolate.
+I'm gonna eat chocolate till I barf.
+Don't worry, Bart, we'll find something fun for you to do.
+Ah! Here we are! Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the PTA.
+You're making me lick envelopes?
+Oh, licking envelopes can be fun! All you have to do is make a game of it.
+What kind of game?
+Well... for example... you could see how many you can lick in an hour, and then try to break that record.
+Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me.
+Yes... well... get started.
+Oh my God. It's Cocoa Beanie himself.
+I think this is something Bart would really have enjoyed. But it's the only way he'll learn.
+Welcome to the chocolate factory. I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me from such films as "The Revenge of Abe Lincoln" and "The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West." The history of chocolate starts with the ancient Aztecs.
+In those days, instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package, chocolate was wrapped in a tobacco leaf.
+And instead of being pure chocolate like we have today, it was mixed with shredded tobacco. And they didn't eat it. They smoked it.
+You didn't believe me when I said it would be fun, did you?
+No thir.
+Please, kids, play sanitary.
+Tan Die Doe Dow?
+Tan... Die.... Doe... Dow.
+Hmm... Well there's still a minute to go... oh, why not! But don't you tell your teacher I let you go home early.
+Die don't.
+What next?
+Hey, what's with the kid?
+Hands off the material!
+Whaddaya know! The kid's tough.
+He's got spunk.
+I wonder if he is lucky also. Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs. Third race. Make it a good one.
+Eat my shorts.
+Eat my shorts. Ah, okay. Let's see... Heyy... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race. I said the third race!
+Don't have a cow.
+Hmm... "Don't have a cow" in the third. Put a deuce on him.
+While we are waiting to see how lucky you are, let me show you around. This is our bar, and over there is our slot machine and card tables....
+Hey Boss! Here's the call for the third race.
+...As they come out of the turn it's "Sufferin Succotash" by a neck over "Yabbadabbadoo." Two lengths back to "Ain't I a Stinker" and "That's All Folks." "I Yam What I Yam" can see them all. But here comes "Donhavacow" flyin' on the outside. And at the wire it's all "Donhavacow!"
+Hey, I like this kid. I can't believe we were gonna shoot him. Can you mix drinks?
+I don't know.
+I'll have a Manhattan.
+Make Legs a Manhattan.
+I'm not sure I...
+Supoib.
+You got a job? Doing what?
+Oh... I dunno... mixing drinks, picking horses, cuttin' cigars... you know -- a job.
+Bart, your father and I don't want you doing that. Homer, say something.
+How much does it pay?
+Thirty bucks a week.
+Pfft. I make more than that.
+I was lookin' for those. Thanks, doll.
+It's funny because it's true.
+Well obsoived.
+Chief Wiggum, you honor us with your presence.
+Baloney. I'm not gonna rest until one of us is behind bars -- You! You wouldn't happen to know anything about a cigarette truck that got hijacked on route 401?
+What's a truck?
+Don't play dumb with me!
+Relax Chief, you seem tense. You know, the boy here makes an excellent Manhattan.
+Ah... I'm still gonna put you away, you know.
+Good for you, Chief.
+... Bart! Have you started smoking?
+Don't lie to me boy.
+Aha! Cigarettes, just as I thought.
+They're not mine. My boss said his warehouse was full.
+Yeah, right. Son... I'm gonna teach you a lesson. I'm going to stand here and watch you smoke every one of those cigarettes. Then maybe you'll learn...
+Uh... Fat Tony sent me over to pick up the goods.
+Right in here my man.
+Hey kid, you look good with that cigarette. Kind of sophisticated.
+Son, I'll never doubt you again.
+The contents of the hijacked truck: some twelve thousand cartons of Laramie 100's.
+Homer? Homer!
+We have... uh... Please, we have a number of leads. And let me assure all you smokers out there... there is no shortage of cigarettes.
+How do we know that?
+All right, let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, of Laramie Tobacco Products. Jack?
+Thank you Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload of Laramies with their smooth good taste and rich tobacco flavor is already heading towards Springfield. And the driver has been instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks.
+The police suspect the involvement of reputed mobster William "Fat Tony" Williams.
+Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... ... what cures cancer?
+Bart, is your boss a crook?
+I don't think so. Although it would explain an awful lot.
+Me and the boys wish to thank you for hanging onto this stuff for us.
+Thanks... uh... Say, are you guys crooks?
+Bart, um... is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
+Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
+And what if your family don't like bread, they like cigarettes?
+I guess that's okay.
+Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
+Hell no!
+Enjoy your gift.
+Supoib.
+THOSE FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR / THAT SLY COME HITHER STARE / THAT STRIPS MY CONSCIENCE BARE / IT'S WITCHCRAFT - GIMME THREE FINGERS OF MILK, MA.
+I know it's good for a boy to have a part-time job, but I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I thinks they're criminals.
+The kiss of death. That's all I need!
+A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic that would make me a criminal.
+Well, Bart's been acting very strangely. And that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks.
+How long does it take to deliver a pizza?
+Looks like our cover's blown.
+Let's roll.
+See? It was all your imagination.
+Homer, I want you to go down to that club and talk to them. Just see what kind of people they are. Please, Homie?
+Oh, all right.
+Hee hee, hee-hee-hee! Read 'em and weep boys, another pair of sixes.
+Beats me.
+I was bluffin'.
+You win again, Homer.
+I am thrilled you've decided to let your boy continue to work here.
+You know if you need a hat check girl, I've got a daughter.
+Homer, you're a hellava father.
+Homer, what did you find out?
+Marge, the only thing going on down there was a lot of male bonding.
+More "stink lines" boys.
+What's this? What are you boys doing?
+You ain't seen nothin'. Now beat it.
+So, Fat Tony. You invite me and my associates to your club with the promise of the finest Manhattans in all of Springfield. Now you say your bartender isn't here?
+I don't know what happened. He's never late. Louie! Make up some Manhattans.
+But I only know how to make wine spritzers.
+What have I done to deserve this flat, flavorless Manhattan?
+Come on, boys.
+Lousy Skinner.
+You are late for work.
+Of course I'm late for work. How can I be on time when Principal Skinner keeps me after school?
+This guy Skinner causing you trouble?
+He sure is, Patrone.
+Hm... perhaps we should go to meet and greet this individual. Come on, boys.
+Some large men to see you, sir.
+I don't have an appointment with any large men --
+You Skinner?
+I'm PRINCIPAL Skinner, yes. And how, may I ask, did you get past the hall monitors?
+Children, I don't know how to break this to you, but Principal Skinner is... ... MISSING!
+I thought I found him but it was only a cat.
+Now please... Please, please, I can assure you we'll be using the most advanced, scientific techniques in the field of... body finding.
+I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy....
+Please, Princess Opal, if we could just stick to Principal Skinner.
+Chief Wiggum, I am merely a conduit for the spirits. Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel.
+Really? Willie Nelson?
+He loved fire drills.
+Will ya get a hold of yourself, Lass, for the wee bairns!
+Hey look at me! I'm Skinner's body!
+That is not funny, Lewis.
+Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
+I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch.
+I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
+That's not true! It's just a rumor! You're engaged in speculation. I know the law. You can't prove anything.
+You killed me Bart.
+You killed me, Bart!
+You k-killed me, Bart!
+Reverend Lovejoy! You've... you've come to comfort me?
+Yes, Bart. ... There there... there there...
+Kill my boy! Kill my boy!
+You're eight hours early for work. I like that.
+Did you kill my principal?
+Uh... Chinese guy with a mustache?
+No! My principal!
+That Skinner guy? Naw, we didn't kill him.
+Nobody move! You're all under arrest for the murder of Seymour Skinner.
+What's a murder?
+Don't play dumb with me. Cuff 'em, boys.
+Oh, Bart. Why couldn't you have gotten a paper route like other boys.
+Wait till I get you home, boy.
+What's that guy doing here?
+Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of -- Murder one?! Wow, even if I lose I'll be famous!
+That Simpson boy is looking at a hundred and eighty years.
+Yeah, you're right.
+Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult.
+I didn't order this Skinner guy killed.
+But aren't you the head of this gang?
+No, I just stop by the club occasionally to read the complimentary newspaper.
+Then who is the Kingpin... the Capo de tuti Capi?
+That's the guy.
+Forgive me, Don Bartholomew.
+We tried to stop the kid, but he wouldn't quit. It was like he went crazy.
+Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers. The kid liked to wet his beak in everything.
+Mr. Simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate?
+Well, not the leader... I mean... Oh, it's true, it's true! All the pieces fit.
+In light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your father, your teachers and a seemingly endless parade of emotionally shattered baby-sitters, this court has no choice but to...
+Principal Skinner!
+I thought he was dead.
+I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk, revising and updating the school dress codes, when...
+I was suddenly confronted by a gang of toughs acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson. Or so they said.
+We really think there's promise in the boy.
+Get out!
+Okay, okay, you don't have to yell.
+To get my mind off that ugly confrontation I went home and began bundling my old newspapers. But suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped. Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently.
+Eww, lemon... ugh, cherry... hmm, custard... mmm, purple.
+For the next week I stayed alive by eating my mother's delicious preserves and maintained my sanity by dribbling a nearby basketball with my one free hand. I made a game of it, seeing how many times I could bounce the ball in a day, then trying to break that record. Occasionally the police arrived to search my home.
+Find anything this time, boys?
+Nah... no sign of him, chief.
+Princess Opal?
+I see nothing here but I'm afraid it's splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.
+But they seemed so happy.
+I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me.
+I'M IN HERE!!!
+Well, let's go.
+Okay, Chief.
+Finally I realized if I was ever going to get out of there, I would have to do it myself.
+I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube. And remembering an experiment from my days as a fourth grade science teacher, I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges.
+The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide, dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord.
+I grabbed on to the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button and was on my way to freedom.
+And that's my courageous story.
+Your Honor, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record.
+Denied. Case dismissed.
+Your Honor, do I still get paid?
+Hey Bart! I hope there are no hard feelings.
+Get bent.
+I deserved that. Look, I know we let you down, but me and the boys, we still think you've got a big future in racketeering and extortion.
+Sorry Fat Tony. I used to think your gang was cool, but now I learned that crime doesn't pay.
+Blood on the Blackboard: The Bart Simpson Story. Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, and TV's Doogie Howser, Neil Patrick Harris as Bart Simpson.
+Bart, I'm scared. Let's get outta here.
+Shaddup!
+Where do you want it, Skinner?
+Not smart.
+Hey, when do we get the check for this?
+Well, they said they changed it just enough so they don't have to pay us.
+You know who the real crooks are? Those sleazy Hollywood Producers.
+Here's good news. According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
+Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
+Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth: that everything is just fine.
+"To me bestest bud Milhouse, Happy Birthday, Bart."
+Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card?
+Hey there ten-year old. I couldn't afford to get you a new drum...
+"...so how about a nice pair of bongos?" Ewww.
+C'mon, open it open it open it.
+Uh, maybe a little later, Bart.
+Aw Milhouse, just cuz your mom didn't let you have a party doesn't mean you can't get a present.
+We had a lovely time on Saturday, Milhouse.
+I liked the balloons.
+I liked the party hats.
+What are you girls talkin' about?
+Nothing.
+Twins. Open your present.
+They're official Krusty the Clown walkie-talkies. I'll keep one and you keep one. Now whenever you want to talk to me, just call me on the phone and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie.
+Milhouse, I'd like to express my appreciation for Saturday. Jelly bean baskets, personalized noisemakers -- those little touches are what made it enduring.
+What's he talkin' about?
+Uh... hey, look at that dog. Isn't that somethin'?
+Wow, brown!
+Whoa, Springfield Elementary, last stop. Oh, and by the way, I'd like to say thanks, and 'applause, applause' to 'birthday boy' Milhouse for his totally bitchin' party on Saturday.
+And uh, Milhouse, I think I left my pants on your roof.
+You did have a party. You didn't invite me. And I thought we were best friends.
+Sorry, Bart.
+Bye little dudes. Don't learn anything I wouldn't learn.
+Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hung-over drones.
+T.G.I.M., Sir.
+Yeah. so, what did you do this weekend, Smithers?
+Well, I caught up on my laundry. And wrote a letter to mother. Oh, here's the kicker, I took Hercules out to be clipped.
+Who the devil is Hercules?
+He's my Yorkshire terrier, sir. He's kind of tiny, so... you know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Herkie.
+Well, Smithers, don't you know how to paint the town red.
+May I ask how you spent your weekend?
+Well, a bit overly familiar, but I'll allow it. I took in a movie. An appalling little piece of filth. Its leading lady was a blonde harlot who spent half the film strolling around naked as a jaybird.
+Just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time.
+What a movie. And that blonde cutie. Does she have assets.
+Sounds like my kind of flick.
+And how.
+Otto! Welcome!
+Apu! Hey, got a ba-ad case of the munchies, man. Time for a Heat-lamp Dog.
+Oh, Otto. Otto, did you know there's a small child inside your bus?
+Ooo, good thing you warned me. I was on my way to Mexico.
+Call me old-fashioned, but movies were sexier when the actors kept their clothes on. Vilma Banky could do more for me with one raised eyebrow than an entire...
+Warning. Problem in sector 7-G.
+7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?
+Homer Simpson, sir.
+Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent?
+Actually sir, he was hired under "Project Bootstrap."
+Thank you, President Ford.
+Huh? Noise. Bad noise!
+Five minutes before critical mass.
+Critical wha...? Okay, okay, don't panic. Whosever problem this is, I'm sure they know how to handle it.
+Huh? AHHH!! It's my problem! We're doomed!!!
+Sector 7-G is now being isolated.
+My best friend shafted me. I'll never get over this, Otto-man.
+Aw, sure you will. You know, once my old lady ran off and married my brother. Well, it hurt, but here it is a month later and I'm sleeping on their couch.
+Margarita, I want you.
+Mr. Devereaux, I can't work under these conditions.
+Have it your way baby. You're fired.
+Oh, Avery.
+Call me Mr. Devereaux, will you.
+We interrupt Search for the Sun for this special news bulletin...
+Meltdown crisis: The first couple of minutes.
+K-B-B-L. Talk radio.
+Forget the hair, just give me the blush. Oh, we're on.
+This station has just learned that a serious crisis is in progress at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.
+Oh my Lord!
+On the line with us now is plant owner C. Montgomery Burns. Mr. Burns?
+Oh hello, Kent. Right now, skilled nuclear energy technicians are calmly correcting a minor, piffling malfunction.
+But, I can assure you and the public that there is absolutely no danger whatsoever --
+-- things couldn't be more ship-shape.
+Sir, where's my radiation suit?
+How the hell should I know?
+Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
+Oh, meltdown is one of those annoying buzzwords. I prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
+Homie, please be all right.
+Gotta think! Gotta think! Okay, somewhere there's a thingee that tells you how to work this stuff. The um... the, uh... the manual! The manual! RIGHT.
+Uh-huh. It's as fat as a phone book! "Congratulations on your purchase of a Fissionator 1952 Slow Fission Reactor. Get to the point, man! Ooh, what's this?
+Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated!
+Ninety seconds to core meltdown.
+Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
+Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.
+Looks like this is the end.
+That's all right. I couldn't have led a richer life.
+After the meltdown we can expect roving bands of thieves to tie up traffic for ours.
+I don't like this program.
+Change the channel.
+Wheel of Fortune!
+I don't understand anything! When they look up stupid in the dictionary, there'll be a picture of me!
+Dear Lord, if you spare this town from becoming a smoking hole in the ground, I'll try to be a better Christian. I don't know what I can do... Ummm, oooh, the next time there's a canned food drive I'll give the poor something they'd actually like instead of old lima beans and pumpkin mix.
+One minute to core meltdown.
+Shut up!
+Simpson, it's all up to you. It's showtime!
+Okay, okay, think back to your training...
+Now Homer, this may very well save your life one day. This, Homer...
+Please pay attention. This button here controls the emergency override circuit. In the event of a meltdown, push this button and only this button.
+Ooh, a side.
+Simpson?
+Do you see which button I'm pushing?
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, push the button, got it.
+This is all your fault! Okay, gotta pick a button. Pick a button. Pick a button. Uh, one potato, two potato, three potato, four... No, wait! Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish, how many pieces do you wish? No, no!
+Thirty seconds to core meltdown.
+Oh, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left but to kiss my sorry butt good-bye!
+May I, sir?
+These unfortunate people here will be instantly killed. This circle, which I am sad to say we are in, will experience a slower, considerably more painful death.
+Good Lord.
+They called me old-fashioned for teaching the duck and cover. But who's laughing now?
+Fifteen seconds to core meltdown.
+Eenie meenie minee moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers let him go... Eenie meenie minee... Moe.
+All systems returning to normal. Danger in 7-G neutralized. Have a nice day.
+Will I ever see you again?
+Sure, baby. Next meltdown.
+I'd like to solve the puzzle: "Three loins in the fountain."
+Yes, we've isolated the problem and wouldn't you know? False alarm. It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system.
+Very good. Well sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well taken. This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant in the future.
+Excellent. Well, "ta". Hmmm, Smithers, I can still sell 'em snake oil. Now bring me a wine spritzer -- and don't be stingy with the vino.
+Yes sir.
+So, Smithers, it seems you've underestimated one Homer Simpson... our next Employee-of-the-Month.
+Milhouse, a little salt?
+Now we're even for your party. C'mon, let's go play.
+Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend anymore. That's why you couldn't come to the party.
+What's she got against me?
+She says you're a bad influence.
+Bad influence my ass! How many times have I told you, never listen to your mother!
+But Bart, she threatened to cut off my allowance.
+Whatever she's paying you, I'll double it.
+I'm really sorry, Bart.
+Sir, about Employee-of-the-Month... I-I-if you'll recall, I'm the one who put a five percent ceiling on the Keogh Plan, which saved this company --
+Smithers, you bean counter, give it up! Simpson's my man!
+Hey, way to save our lives.
+Yeah, we owe you one.
+Hey, you know boys, a nuclear reactor's a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
+Simpson -- Monty Burns. Come with me.
+Now, now. That will do. Homer, for your bravery and skill, we award you this ham, this plaque, this discount coupon book, and my own personal thumbs up!
+And to insure your immortality, your heroic visage will be added to our Wall of Fame... Oh, and uh, what's this? A congratulatory phone call from Earvin "Magic" Johnson.
+Magic Johnson! Y'ello.
+Is this really Homer Simpson?
+Wow. Homer, I just used our last time out to call and congratulate you on diverting that nuclear holocaust.
+Well, thank you.
+Magic, if you play on that ankle, you'll be in incredible pain.
+I don't care.
+Uh, Magic. What if people think a guy's a hero but he was really just lucky?
+Don't worry. Sooner or later people like that are exposed as the frauds they are.
+Thanks, Magic.
+Bart, you're not laughing. Too subtle?
+I'll think about it, Marge.
+Nah. I'm just depressed. Milhouse's mom won't let me play with him any more.
+Homer, did you go out and buy a twenty pound ham? And what's all this?
+"For heroic competence... for narrowly averting a melt-down and proving, without question, that nuclear power is completely safe... Employee-of-the-Month!" Ohh, Homer!
+A role model in my very own home. How convenient.
+Look, I get enough admiration and respect at work. I don't need it here at home.
+How are you enjoying your ham, Homie?
+It tastes so bitter. It's like ashes in my mouth!
+Hmm, it's actually more of a honey glaze --
+Maybe you ate a clove.
+What's your problem, boy?
+I had a fight with Milhouse.
+That four-eyes with the big nose? You don't need friends like that.
+How Zen.
+What? What is it? What are you doing?
+Looking at you with quiet awe.
+Well, as long as it's quiet.
+Milhouse to Bart, Milhouse to Bart... Please don't hate me. Please?
+Oooh, right next to the boss. Eh, he'll never know who did it.
+Ah Simpson! There's someone I want you to meet. Aristotle Amadopolis, owner of the Shelbyville Nuclear Power facility.
+Huh? Wha?...
+It seems Ari's been having terrible worker problems at Shelbyville.
+They've lost their zest for work. You must help them find their Eanae-eharatou-nah-duleve!
+Their Eanae-eharatou-nah-dule-what?
+We want you to give them a pep talk that turns them from a bunch of donut-eating goof-offs into a pack of Homer Simpsons.
+But I really can't tell them anything, sir.
+Oh cut the false modesty, it's getting tiresome. Besides, it's your duty. Employee of the Month isn't all ham and plaques.
+Well! Smithers, how kind of you to pay us a visit.
+Couldn't help it, sir. The parking here is terrible.
+This man has no love for his power plant.
+Begone from my sight.
+That one's always been a problem.
+One... two... three... Community chest.
+Ah. I've won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect ten bucks.
+Ha ha! You're losing.
+Bart, don't feed your sister hotels!
+Don't worry mom, there's tons of these things.
+I think that game is too old for her. Why don't you go play with Milhouse?
+I don't wanna play with Milhouse.
+You mean you still haven't made up with him?
+It's his mom. She says I'm a bad influence. C'mon Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that hornet's nest.
+Mrs. Van Houten, I'm Bart's mother -- we met in the emergency room when the boys drank paint.
+I remember. Please, come in.
+Marge, I'm sorry, but I think it would be better if Milhouse didn't see your son.
+Look, I know Bart can be a handful but I also know what he's like inside. He's got a spark. It's not a bad thing... of course it makes him do bad things...
+Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf sucks. He must have gotten that from your little boy, because they certainly don't say that word on TV!
+Well, I can't defend everything he does. But let's face it, all Bart and Milhouse have is each other. They're too young for girls. And they're a popular target for bullies. And in the Christmas pageant, they're always sheep. Please, please, let them be friends!
+So the next time somebody tells you county folk are good, honest people, you can spit in their faces for me!
+I will, Mr. Gumbel. But if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad for the school paper. I thought it would be neat to follow him around for a day to see what makes him tick.
+Oh, that's sweet. I used to follow my dad to a lot of bars too.
+Here you go. One beer, one chocolate milk.
+Uh, excuse me, I have the chocolate milk.
+What's the matter, Homer? The depressin' effects of alcohol usually don't kick in 'til closing time.
+He's just a little nervous. He has to give a speech tomorrow on "How To Keep Cool In A Crisis."
+What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
+Hey, I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a little trick. I pictured everyone in their underwear. The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.
+Did it work?
+I'm a free man, ain't I?
+Milhouse to Bart, do you want to come over and play?
+Really? We can be friends again? Did your mom die?
+Uh, I don't think so.
+Who cares?! Milhouse, I'll be right there! Sorry Maggie, game's over.
+Hey Mom, I'm friends with Milhouse again.
+Well, I knew his mother would come to her senses..
+Thanks for sticking up for me.
+What makes you think I did it?
+Who else would?
+You be good.
+I will.
+As I look out into this sea of smiling faces, I am filled with a sense of loathing and revulsion. You are not workers, you are a pack of mangy cud-chewing ugly goats! Well, you're in for a treat. We have with us today a real man. Behold the glory that is Homer Simpson!
+Poor guy.
+Uh... ladies and... gentlemen...
+Just picture them in their underwear.
+Um, Grace under pressure is no...
+Three minutes to meltdown.
+Whew! Saved by the bell.
+Fifteen seconds to core meltdown.
+Just do what you did before.
+All right.
+Eeenie meenie minee moe, catch a tiger by the toe... If he hollers let him go, eenie meenie minee moe.
+Crisis has been averted. Everything is super.
+Thank you Homer for saving my plant with that idiotic rhyming. Do you even know what button you pushed?
+Sure. Moe.
+Eenie meenie minee moe / Is Homer a hero? / The answer is... no. I'm Kent Brockman and that was... My Two Cents. Now back to Scott Christian with Laugh and a Half.
+Thanks, Kent. There was more dumb luck in the news today when our own Police Chief Wiggum foiled a bank hold-up without even trying. It seems the chief had come to the bank to cash in his penny jar.
+...48, 49, 50.
+Good work, Chief.
+Just doing my job.
+Yes, it seems the chief pulled a Homer Simpson of his own.
+Huh? A pretzel? Wow, looks like I pulled a Homer!
+The Lakers have the ball. Magic Johnson's coming down the floor on a fast break. Magic stops. His feet slip out from under him. The ball flies out of his hand, hits the referee in the head, goes in the basket! It's a three point play. The Lakers win!
+Looks like I pulled a Homer.
+Our dad... now he belongs to the ages.
+I hold in my hand the final axe.
+Well, kids, that's all the time we have for today.
+I'd like to thank Sideshow Mel, Corporal Punishment, Tina Ballerina, oh, and from "Knots Landing" Miss Donna Mills. Oh, she was a sport.
+WE'VE HAD LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN/ BUT NOW THE TIME HAS COME... TO GO/ IF THIS OLD CLOWN WAS FOUND DEAD IN HIS BED TOMORROW/ I'D BE IN HEAVEN STILL DOING THIS SHOW.
+See you some other time!
+Great show, Krusty! I really laughed when you...
+Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's my nicotine gum?
+Ahh... that's the stuff. Damn, I'm exhausted. Those kids were like ice out there.
+You've got a 4:30 Merchandising meeting.
+Cancel it.
+Therapist?
+Cancel it.
+Personal trainer?
+Cancel it.
+The opening line on the Giants is five and a half.
+Put a dime on it.
+Thank you dinner with Bart Simpson?
+I don't know any Bart Simpson.
+Krusty, he's the boy who saved you from jail.
+Well, we... made a terrible, terrible mistake. Uh... won't happen again.
+Well, there was one boy who trusted me all along. Bart?
+Yes, sir?
+Thank you.
+Oh yeah. Cancel it.
+Mrs. Simpson, this is Lois Pennycandy, Krusty the Clown's executive assistant.
+Oh hello, Mrs. Pennycandy.
+Read this.
+It's Miss Pennycandy, I can assure you. I'm sorry to inform you that Krusty will once again not be joining Bart for dinner.
+Oh, dear. This is the fifth time he's cancelled. How can he hurt someone who loves him so?
+Oh, Mrs. Simpson, I've wasted my womanhood asking that same question. I apologize for him, something really important came up at the last minute.
+Lousy mildew. Eh, that's good enough.
+Well, thank you for calling. Good-bye.
+Okay Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you down for?
+A hundred.
+Consider it done.
+YOU'RE WALKING ALONG THE STREET/ OR YOU'RE AT A PARTY/ OR ELSE YOU'RE ALONE/ AND THEN YOU SUDDENLY DIG... DIG... DIG.
+THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING BIG...
+Sweetie, I'm sorry, but Krusty isn't coming to dinner again.
+Aw, man.
+Dear Krusty, this is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302 respectfully returning his Badge...
+...I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent, Bart Simpson.
+Ooh. Sex chat!
+You have reached the party line! In a moment you'll be connected to a hot party with some of the world's most beautiful women. Now, let's join the party!
+Are, are there any women here?
+Are you a beautiful woman?
+Do I sound like a beautiful woman?
+This is not the sort of party as I had anticipated.
+Uh...ehhh... deeee... eeee... deeaar... Dear... Krust..."y"...?
+It says that the little boy who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you. Krusty, you are going to Bart Simpson's house for dinner tonight.
+But I have plans.
+Hey, not the face.
+Why you, maddening, impossible man. If you don't go tonight, I won't be here tomorrow.
+Oh, alright. I'll go.
+But I sure hate missing Schnapps Night at the Friars Club.
+Bart, wipe your feet.
+Why bother, they'll just get dirty again.
+I've got some good news. Krusty the Clown is coming to dinner tonight.
+He is, for sure?
+God bless that clown.
+You think it's him?
+Hi, kids! Hey, hey!
+Heh, heh, cute kid.
+Oh, hi Bart. I was just in the neighborhood. Why Krusty the Clown! What a surprise.
+Milhouse. You can come in and drop the charade.
+Krusty, you don't have to be "on" tonight.
+What are you talking about? Of course he does.
+No, Dad, Krusty is our guest. Your pratfalls and Punchinello antics aren't necessary here.
+Really?
+Yeah, just relax and be yourself.
+Ohh, that's a relief.
+Go wait in the car.
+We could have seen a monkey.
+Who wants to say grace?
+Why don't we let our guest do it?
+Bless us O lord...
+Krusty, would you do the honors?
+No! A clown is not a respected member of the community.
+Well, alright. I'm a little rusty, but um, I'll try. Baruch ata, addonoy, elohanu melech ha-olom, ha-motzee le-chem mean ha-aretz.
+He's talking funny talk.
+No, Dad, that's Hebrew. Krusty must be Jewish.
+A Jewish entertainer? Get outta here.
+Dad, There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks.
+Mel Brooks is Jewish?
+Krusty, are you alright?
+Yes, it's just that saying the brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. The old days... my... my father...
+Hey Krusty, are you gonna finish that meatloaf or what?
+Poor Krusty, he's like a black velvet painting come to life.
+Krusty, why don't you tell us what's wrong? You'll feel better.
+Yeah, spill your guts, man.
+Come on...
+Yeah, Krusty, tell us.
+Well, okay. First of all, my real name isn't Krusty the Clown, it's Hershel Krustofsky. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father -- well, you get the idea.
+My father was the most respected man in the lower east side of Springfield. People would come from miles around to ask his advice.
+Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?
+Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.
+Rabbi, should I have another child?
+Yes, another child would be a blessing on your house.
+Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
+Could you rephrase that as a, as a ethical question?
+Hmm... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
+Yes, for great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.
+Hershel, life is not fun. Life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.
+But papa, can't...
+But nothing! You'll do as I say or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you.
+Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps, but the pull of clowning was too strong. I got my first big laughs at Yeshiva impersonating my father.
+Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
+Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
+Why you little...
+Krusty, please continue.
+My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug. But it was no use.
+What are you doing in that bathroom?
+Go away.
+Open the door this instant.
+Oy gevalt!
+Close the door!
+Then came my big break. A Talmudic conference in the Catskills and I was the entertainment.
+But the Lord works in mysterious ways.
+Do you know that my son Hershel was first in his Yeshiva class. As a matter of fact, he was voted "The Most Likely to Hear God."
+Oh go on, Hymie. You're exaggerating again. You're so proud of your son.
+A rabbi would never exaggerate. A rabbi composes; he creates thoughts; he tells stories that may never have happened, but he does not exaggerate.
+My father would have never have suspected a thing, were it not for one rowdy rabbi.
+Hey, Funny-man!
+Hershel? Hershel! Oy vay iz mir!
+I have no son!
+You have brought shame on our family. Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer, this I could forgive. But, but-but this? I never want to see you again. You... you... clown!
+And I haven't seen my father since.
+That is so sad.
+Krusty, do you think about your father a lot?
+All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.
+Look at you, Bart.
+Oh, isn't that fun?
+Hey, whoa.
+Oh, the Fourth of July. I can't believe that little boy in the pictures is you, Bart.
+Yeah, I've got a lot of fond memories.
+Well, look at the time. Almost midnight.
+Do you have any yearbooks?
+No, that's it. You've seen everything.
+So uh, Milhouse, know any knock-knock jokes?
+I want to go home.
+Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home.
+Gladly.
+Wow. The Concert For Bangladesh.
+Goodnight, Krusty. Sorry about your dad.
+Don't worry about me, I'm a survivor.
+Hey, did I leave my keys inside?
+Oh, yeah. Here they are.
+Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to "Hercules vs. The Martians."
+Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules.
+Hello? Hello? Anybody there?
+Oh great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
+I didn't mean that literally.
+What's this? I hear a phone ring and all of a sudden there's nothing. I'm listening and there's no talking. Hello. Mister, who are you? Why would they call ya if they don't want to talk to ya.
+Didn't Itchy Jr. look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy Jr. look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon? For the love of God, cut to a commercial.
+Poor Krusty.
+A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.
+We've got to do something.
+Let's move.
+Reverend Lovejoy, we need you to help us find a rabbi.
+Well, um... before you make any rash decisions, let me just remind you that the church is changing to meet the needs of today's young Christians.
+No, no. We're not converting, we just want to find a Rabbi Krustofsky.
+Rabbi Krustofsky? Why, I do a radio call-in show with him every Sunday night.
+Really?
+I didn't know that.
+Gee, I mention it in my sermon every week.
+Oh, oh, that radio show.
+Oh yeah, it's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.
+Oh, well. Why have a free T-shirt. You'll be the "coolest" kids on the playground.
+We'll put them on later. Now can you give us the rabbi's address?
+Oh sure thing. Let me just check my "Non-Christian" rolodex.
+I bet the rabbi misses Krusty.
+He'll be so happy, he'll be crying in his beard.
+Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky?
+Oh, what can I do for you, my young friends?
+We came to talk to you about your son.
+And in order to keep our broadcasting license, we devote Sunday night dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.
+In that spirit, we bring you "Gabbin' about God," sponsored by Ace Religion Supply where they say: "If we don't got it, it ain't holy."
+With us tonight, once again, our very own three wise men: Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, Monsignor Kenneth Daley, and Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky.
+Okay, and our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.
+Yes, hi, with all the suffering and injustice in the world, do you ever wonder if God really exists?
+Not for a second.
+Not at all.
+Great. Good conversation there. Our next call now is for the good Rabbi.
+Hello? Anybody there? I hear breathing but I don't hear talking. What's going on here? Hello, mister. Hello... hello.
+Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up. There's all kinds of meshugoyim in the world.
+Okay, let's clear the board. Our next caller is a young boy from right here in Springfield.
+Hello, my name's Dimitri. I'm a first time caller, long time listener.
+My question is, "If a son defies his father, and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the father forgive the son?"
+I think so.
+Yes, of course.
+No way. Absolutely not. Never! Never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge. They leave a building without people watching it and anybody who wants can call any stupid person they please...
+Don't worry, Lis. I've got a plan that can't fail.
+Yiddle my man, you're a genius.
+I love my work.
+Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know.
+But what if your example encourages others to give?
+Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?
+Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our traditions and our faith, and on me. Get out of here you little pisher!
+Oy, this guy's tough.
+Bart, we're gonna have to out smart him.
+I don't know, he's pretty sharp. He saw right through this disguise.
+What? Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning Jewish novelist. He wants to have lunch with me? Ah ah, It's a date! Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there.
+The French government wants to give me The Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? Izzy's Deli, one o'clock. Thank you, Monsieur President.
+Au revoir.
+Are you kids ready to order yet?
+Sorry, no. Just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles.
+Watch how fast I go.
+And for you sir?
+Oh, let's see. I want a nice sandwich, but the Joey Bishop, ugh, too fatty... the Jackie Mason, I don't know, sauerkraut makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis, I don't even like his work... What is this?... Krusty the Clown!?
+That's ham, sausage and bacon with a smidge of mayo...
+... on white bread.
+Listen, you tell Mr. Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning Jewish novelist, that I lost my appetite.
+Uh, could you direct me to President Francois Mitterrand's table?
+You think you're funny?
+Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
+Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else?
+Those stupid hats?
+No Bart. Knowledge.
+We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.
+Ahhh, Noah, Noah, save us, save us... No!!
+This looks good Bart. Take it to him.
+You I told to go away.
+But... but... but, but Rabbi, does it not say in the Babylonian Talmud... And I quote, "A child should be pushed aside with the left hand, and drawn closer with the right."
+Then doesn't your religion command you to make up with Krusty?
+But in Exodus, the fifth commandment says, "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." End of story.
+Oh, it's hopeless.
+Not quite. I got some dynamite stuff from Rabbi Simon ben Eleazar.
+At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar.
+But, my short learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."
+Is it not written in the Talmud, "Who will bring redemption? The jesters."
+Sorry my friend, I'm still not convinced. And this is hardly the time or place to discuss it.
+Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but, that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
+Bart! I am not gonna learn ancient Hebrew.
+No one could be / so gentle and so LOVEABLE / Oh mein papa / he always understood.
+I got somethin' in my eye.
+Here, take my hanky.
+Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous! But the great thing is after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it." End quote.
+Ohh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that, Rabbi Hillel?
+It was Judah the Pious?
+Mamonides?
+Oh, I got it -- the Dead Sea Scrolls.
+I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from "Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer like your son.
+The candy man?
+If a performer can think that way, maybe I'm completely upside-down on this whole problem. All the years of joy that I've lost. Why? Because of my stubborn ways.
+There, there, Rabbi. It's not too late.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, kids... Today's show is gonna be the funniest, sidesplitin'est, cavalcade of... ah the hell with it. Roll the cartoon.
+Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart.
+Oy, such a filthy habit.
+Who asked you? Father?
+Hershel.
+Boychik!
+Oh, Daddy...
+You're on, Krusty.
+Boys and girls, I'd like to be serious for a moment if I may. Spotlight, please.
+I just wanted... I just wanted... Come on guys. I'm not doing the spotlight bit.
+Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father, Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky.
+Lenny, a little reconciliation music if you please... Oh mein papa / to me he was so wonderful / Oh mein papa/ Come on, Dad / to me he was so good/ You know the words.
+We haven't seen each other in twenty-five years.
+Oh, I love you, son.
+I love you too, Daddy.
+And, to conclude this Halloween newscast on a scary note, remember: The presidential primaries are only a few months away.
+Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.
+Trick or treat, man.
+Hey, aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes.
+Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house back to the stone age.
+Here you go, kids. Lousy punks...
+We're home!
+Get a good haul this year?
+Heh heh heh...Jackpot!
+I am very, very proud of you kids.
+We would have gotten even more if Lisa could walk faster.
+I didn't select this costume for mobility. I wore it to salute the noble native American of the Pacific Northwests...
+Now children, you can have one piece of candy tonight and save the rest for...
+If you eat too much you'll have nightmares.
+Oh, yeah. Everybody in the family is gonna have a bad nightmare tonight.
+Oh yeah, three bad nightmares.
+I'd like to see that.
+What a dump. Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
+Dad, that's Monaco.
+I can do that but I don't wanna.
+Eeuhgh. What is this thing?
+It is a monkey's paw, dating back to Allal ben Abdallah. It has the power to grant wishes to its owner.
+Oh yeah? How much?
+Look everybody! My purse exploded!
+Sir, I must strongly advise you do not purchase this. Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune. I myself was once President of Algeria...
+C'mom pal, I don't wanna hear your life story. Paw me!
+Ugghh, Homer. Where did you get that ugly thing?
+Why at that little shop, right over... there.
+Oh no, wait, it was over there.
+You'll be sorry.
+Flight seven, Marakesh to Springfield now boarding.
+Just a moment...
+Don't shoot, Don't shoot. They're souvenirs.
+You must pay a fine of two American dollars.
+Let's wish for x-ray specs that really work.
+No, Bart. Peace on Earth.
+X-ray specs.
+Peace on Earth.
+X-ray specs.
+Peace on Earth.
+X-ray specs.
+Peace on Earth.
+X-ray spects.
+Peace on Earth.
+Forget it, you two. As the pants- wearer of this house, I get the first wish.
+Homer, there's something I don't like about that severed hand.
+Marge, don't flake out on me. That monkey's paw is gonna make our dreams come true.
+Oh, no! Maggie made a wish!
+Oh, my land!
+Ooh, a luxury car. Good baby. Good Maggie.
+Ooh, a new pacifier.
+Okay, no more fooling around. Paw, this is Bart. I wish for the Simpsons to be rich and famous.
+Now you're talkin'!
+Yaaayyy!!
+Woo hoo!
+C'mon, everybody. We're going to the fanciest restaurant in town!
+I'm terribly sorry. I have absolutely nothing until June.
+Ah, the Simpsons! Right this way, please.
+Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say.
+If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear I'm going to scream.
+At first they were cute and funny, but now they're just annoying.
+Eighteen bucks for this? What a rip-off!
+Man, this thing's really gettin' outta hand.
+Oh, is there anything they won't do?
+Oh Homer, this is awful.
+Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was just being colorful.
+I wish for world peace.
+Lisa, that was very selfish of you.
+Sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
+Ah, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.
+Won't be needing these anymore.
+C'MON PEOPLE, NOW / SMILE ON YOUR BROTHER / EVERYBODY GET TOGETHER / TRY TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER RIGHT NOW...
+Foolish humans.
+Oh yes, Kodos. Earth is now ripe for the plucking.
+People of earth. We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace.
+Now, let's be reasonable. We can resolve our differences peacefully.
+Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons.
+Colonel! You've got to do something!
+What do you want me to do? I'm a baker now.
+I had a bad dream. Could I sleep in your bed?
+They're konking us with a club. Wished we saved an A-bomb or two.
+Move along humans.
+This is all the Simpsons' fault.
+Before I was just bored with their antics and their merchandise. Now I wish they were dead.
+Jeez, now we're slaves. This paw sucks.
+Ok, Ok. I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, And...AND! I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?
+Hey... Hmm. Not bad. Nice hot mustard... good bread... Turkey's a little dry. The turkey's a little dry?! Oh foul, accursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee?!
+Hey, fellow slave, is that one of those monkey paw dealies that lets you wish for things?
+Yeah, but I gotta warn you that this thing is ee ... Yeah, that's what it is. Wanna try it? Heh, heh, heh.
+Okely-dokely.
+Ohh, would ya look at that?
+Kneel before my slingshot, puny earthling.
+Well, I guess my first wish is to get rid of those awful aliens.
+Aarsh. He's got a board with a nail in it!
+And save humanity will ya.
+RUN, KODOS!
+Well, Kang, it seems the Earthlings won.
+Did they?... That board with the nail in it may have defeated us. But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon, they will make a board with a nail so big it will destroy them all.
+Hey, Homer! This little thing-a-ma-jig really works great. Now that I've saved the earth, maybe I oughtta spruce up the ol' homestead.
+I wish I had a Monkey's Paw.
+Bart... Bart...
+Huh?... S'matter?
+I'll give you a candy necklace.
+Climb aboard.
+Thanks, Bart.
+Less talk, more sleep.
+Presented for your consideration, Springfield, an average little town... with a not-so-average monster.
+Happy thoughts... happy thoughts... what a good day... happy thoughts...
+The people of Springfield have to make sure they think happy thoughts and say happy things, because this particular monster can read minds. And if displeased, can turn people into grotesque walking terrors.
+Happy thoughts... happy thoughts... Boy, I'm gettin' mighty sick of this.
+Ruff... ruff... ruff. Bow-wow!
+And did I mention that the monster is a 10 year old boy? Quite a twist, eh? Bet you didn't see that one coming.
+Good morning.
+Morning.
+Good morning, dear.
+Hiya Bart!!! How's my boy! Heh heh. Heh heh.
+Every day, same old cat. I'll make him more interesting.
+Oh, there. That's better.
+Much better! Oh good, the curtains are on fire!
+It's good that you made that awful thing, Bart. It's real good.
+Now hadn't you better get ready for school?
+He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side.
+Hi guys. Hi Otto. Move over. I'm driving.
+No can do, little buddy. See, there's a rule that... oh wait... you're the little dude with all the gnarly powers.
+Quit riding the brake, Otto. Give it some gas, man.
+Hey, this is fun, isn't it? We're going to die, aren't we?
+Hi ya, Bart!
+Well class, the history of our country has been changed again, huh, to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test.
+America was now discovered in 1942 by..."Some Guy"... And our country isn't called "America" anymore, it's "Bonerland."
+Your attention please. This is Principal Skinner. Bart, this one's for you. Hello ma baby, hello ma honey, hello my ragtime gal... Send me a kiss by wire..
+Happy thoughts... happy thoughts... we love that boy.
+Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check. ... Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
+That's a new one .
+Now wait a minute...
+One... more... time! HELLO MA BABY... HELLO MA HONEY... HELLO MY RAGTIME GAL. DOUBLETIME, NOW. SEND ME A KISS BY WIRE...
+I love school.
+Come on... make it... make it... make it... please... please... please.
+I want to watch Krusty.
+Shut up boy. If they make this field goal I win fifty bucks.
+The kick is up...it's looking good... the ball is turning into a fat bald guy...
+...and it's no good. And you know what we say everytime something strange happens: "It's good that Bart did that. It's very good...."
+Well, we're still on. Three hundred and forty-six consecutive hours. And all because of one little boy who... who won't let me stop! Anyway... now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel has any more of those legal, over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his.
+Slowly... slowly... don't make a sound... don't even think, because he can hear your thoughts... then, when he's least expecting it, bash his head in with a chair. End of monster. Heh heh heh.
+That's it, young man. You're coming with me...
+Please?
+You like attention, don't you Bart?
+Do I ever!
+Well we all do. The problem is that you don't care whether you get good attention, for say getting good marks in school, or bad attention for .. say.. turning your father into a Jack-in-the-box.
+Homer, I see you agree with my theory.
+I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning.
+Well that's too bad because the attention the boy craves should be coming from you. I want you to spend some quality time with him. Get to know him. Maybe even love him.
+Good night, son.
+Good night, dad. You know, these last few days have been really swell. I wish there was something I could do to repay you.
+Well, if you wanted to, you could give me my body back.
+You got it.
+Oh, ah, thanks boy.
+I love you, dad.
+I love you, son.
+Yaahhh!
+Mom! Dad!
+My goodness, what's wrong?
+We both had nightmares.
+Can we sleep with you?
+You both toilet-trained?
+Well, okay then... ... Four o'clock... Coupla hours I have to get up and go to work... gotta go to work... go to work.
+Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers, lay-abouts, slug-a-beds...
+Little do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
+Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing... just to throw the fear of God into them.
+Very well.
+Eeney, meany, miney... ugh, him.
+Attention Homer Simpson. Attention Homer Simpson. Wake up, Homer.
+Huh? What?
+You're fired.
+For what?
+For sleeping on the job.
+How do you know I was sleeping?
+We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.
+Camera?
+Smithers, to the laboratory.
+You know Smithers, I've always despised the laziness of the common worker. Then I realized his spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. So I replaced the flesh -- which is weak -- with steel, which is strong. Behold, the greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat o' nine tails.
+How long till it's up and running, sir?
+Keep your pants on, Smithers. First, we need... The human brain.
+Hey, here's a good job, Dad. Oh wait, you have to know how to operate a ultrasonic lithotryptor.
+How hard can it be?
+Hey, Dad. Here's one. Twenty-eight dollars an hour, plenty of fresh air... and you get to meet lots of interesting people.
+Ooo, what job is that?
+Grave digger.
+Deeper. Wider. Faster. I wouldn't bury me turtle in that mud puddle. Ah, what's the use?
+Sheesh. What a slave driver.
+What corpse should we unearth, sir?
+I don't know. I feel like a kid in a candy store.
+Hello! An open grave. Smithers, get him out quickly, the stench is overpowering.
+Oh, will you quit your complaining.
+What a minute, sir. That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee.
+Well, who is a model ... employee?
+Ehhh... Simpson will do just fine, sir.
+Did you hear that, sir?
+No, I didn't. Who is it? Frankenstein? The Booger Man?
+It's the man in the bag, sir. I think he's alive.
+Oh... bad corpse. Bad corpse. Stop scaring Smithers. Satisfied?
+Thank you, sir.
+Excellent.
+Smithers, hand me that ice cream scoop.
+Ice cream scoop?
+Damn it, Smithers. This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery.
+Hel-lo. Look at me, I'm Davey Crockett.
+Look, Smithers, a twitch... it's moving. It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad... well who's mad now?!
+Hi there. I'm your dad-dy.
+Mmm... sprinkles.
+Geraldo Rivera, Madonna and a diseased Yak.
+Mom, what's wrong?
+It's your father, he's missing.
+Dad's missing? Get outta here.
+He's been gone for two days.
+Whayda ya know, she's right.
+It wasn't suppose to be this way. It was supposed to be a thing of beauty, not this abomination.
+Oh Smithers, I was wrong to play god. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now, take out that brain and flush it down the toilet.
+Sir, his family might appreciate it if you returned the brain to his body.
+Oh, come on. It's 11:45.
+Oh, Smithers, when you look at me with those puppy dog eyes... all right.
+Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive.
+Oh you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a coke.
+And as for you, you clinking, clattering, cacophony of colligenous cogs and camshafts, take that.
+Run, sir!
+Every bone... shattered... organs... leaking vital fluids. Slight headache... loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.
+Sir, is there nothing I can do?
+Well, perhaps. Smithers go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are surgical tools and some ether...
+Did you have a nightmare, Homie?
+No. Bart bit me.
+Hey, man, you were crushing me. I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
+I gotta go shake the dew off the lilly.
+Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads? Well my body was crushed so I had my head grafted on to or shall we say ample frame.
+I didn't wake up. It's all a dream. It's just a dream!
+Oh that's right. It's all a dream.
+Or is it?
+Next week on The Simpsons.
+Don't forget dad, tonight my class is having an all you can eat spaghetti dinner.
+Umm. Spaghetti.
+But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrice of the Netherlands.
+Oh, I hate having two heads.
+Y'ello.
+Dad, I'm calling about the school talent show.
+Don't worry, I know it's tonight.
+Alto or tenor?
+No. Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
+Uh... isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
+I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
+Wow! And after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me. Uh huh, yeah, number four and a half reed.
+Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. I'd like to point out that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show after your own child has performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in the first five rows, you will get wet.
+Whew! Just in the nick of... mmm, beer?
+Hurry, Moe, hurry! I've only got five minutes till the music store closes.
+Why don't you go there first?
+Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?
+Sorry, Homer.
+You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.
+Sorry, Homer.
+This is a whole lotta nothin'.
+I'd rather be watching the boilers!
+Oh well, make sure you return those chairs to the cafeteria, Kim. I'm not kidding.
+Ah. Finished with fifteen seconds to spare.
+What's the matter, buddy?
+The moron next door closed early!
+I happen to be that moron.
+Oh, me and my trenchant mouth.
+Terrible, just terrible. You know, they seem to get worse every year.
+Hmm. "Lisa stop playing that stupid... saxophone!" Yes! That's it!
+Wonderful. You know, I think this is the best batch we've ever had. I really do. And now, here's Bart Simpson, The Boy of a Thousand Voices.
+I'd like to open with my impression of Principal Skinner.
+Duh, look at me, I'm Principal Skinner.
+That young man just became the Boy of a Thousand Days Detention.
+Hey, it's Lunchlady Doris. I wonder what she's got for us today. Today's special is refried dog poop.
+Please, you've got to open that store.
+Let me think about it... Eh... No.
+Okay, okay. But I want you to see a picture of the little girl you're disappointing. Well I don't have one.
+Come on, Jer. Open up. Be a pal. Remember when I pulled you and your wife out of that burning car?
+Okay. Okay. But now we're even. So what does your daughter need?
+I'll have you know, I wrote it down.
+Number Four and a half -- Stupid gum!
+Number Four and a Half reed! Whoo hoo!
+Uh-huh. And what instrument does she play?
+I dunno.
+Mom, where is he? If I don't get that reed I'll sound terrible.
+Don't worry, honey, I'm sure your father is...
+That's a long shot.
+Don't worry, he'll be here.
+Clarinet?
+Saxophone?
+No!... Wait a minute. What was that last one again?
+Saxophone?
+My ding-a-ling / My ding-a-ling / I want you to play with my ding-a-ling --
+This act is over! Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to put this filth behind us, and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of "Stormy Leather -- ah, Weather."
+Haw haw!
+Haw haw.
+Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawnmower.
+Whew, I'd hate to be that kid's father.
+That'll do.
+It's not my fault. It's the reed.
+Oh yes, of course. It's the reed.
+Let's hear it for Lisa Simpson and her wacky sax.
+Yeah! Woo! Woo! Yeah!
+Okay, who ordered the Mount Bellyache?
+I ordered it for my little girl. Heh... heh.
+I'm done.
+That cost eighty-eight dollars!
+I'm sorry dad, I don't feel much like eating.
+Look, I let you down and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it right, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
+I forgive you.
+You didn't mean that!
+No. I didn't.
+Look Homer, Lisa's taking her first steps.
+Da-da. Da-da.
+Did you hear that, Homer?
+No wonder she hates me. I never even noticed that she was alive.
+Homer, if you want to make up with Lisa just spend some time with her.
+Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start with Maggie.
+Homie, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.
+Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm gonna -- you know -- go fruity. No, you were right the first time with that quick fix idea. Let's see, quick fix, quick fix. Ah, I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for.
+We can't afford to buy a pony.
+Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.
+That's ridiculous.
+Marge, I've got to get her a pony. When I look in Lisa's eyes, I don't see love anymore.
+That's no reason to buy a pony!
+See, even when you yell at me, I can see love in your eyes.
+Stick to the subject.
+Ha ha, you love me.
+Let's be realistic. A pony is very expensive and we have enough trouble paying bills as it is.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah.
+You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't.
+What was that? Was that a yes or a no?
+Those aren't even words!
+Oh my, what is that smell?
+Oh, it's you.
+Excuse me, do you sell ponies?
+Uh, sure pal, right here.
+"Scot-tish deer-hound." Hey, this is a dog!
+My friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for. I suggest you try the pony farm on Route 401. Merely take a left at the rendering plant.
+Now lady, I'm buying this pony for my little girl, and I don't care what it costs.
+Very good. That stunning creature over there is half a million dollars.
+Half a million dollars?!
+He was sired by Seattle Slew and his mother won the Kentucky Derby.
+His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania...
+I'll take it!
+Mr. Simpson, do you have half a million dollars?
+Uh, sure... let me write you a check.
+Mr. Simpson, this check is dated January 1, 2054.
+Is there a problem with that?
+Our ponies start at five thousand dollars. Cash.
+Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?
+I sincerely hope not.
+I-I'd like to borrow five thousand dollars.
+Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.
+Hel-lo.
+Simpson, eh? How can I help you?
+Mr. Burns, you do this personally?
+It's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no. By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
+U-su-ry?
+Silly me, I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?
+I want to buy a pony.
+Isn't that cute? Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set. That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
+No. I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more.
+Shut up, Simpson.
+Do you have any collateral?
+Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form and the money will be yours.
+Sorry, I was just, uh, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
+I didn't do anything funny, sir.
+Shut up.
+Mr. Simpson, are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony?
+Of course.
+Simpson, you've done it again.
+I love you, Dad!
+I am very upset with you.
+Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.
+Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
+Because she stopped loving me.
+I don't love you either. So give me a moped.
+I know you love me. So you don't get squat. Hee hee hee hee.
+Snowball II... Santa's Little Helper... this is Princess. Please don't exclude her because she's different.
+Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
+I've got it all figured out. By day it will roam free around the neighborhood. And at night it will nestle snugly between the cars in our garage.
+Dad, no!
+That's illegal.
+That's for the courts to decide. Marge, she loves me.
+Dad, I think Princess belongs in a stable.
+Stable? That sounds expensive.
+This is what love costs a month?
+These are standard stable fees, Mr. Simpson. Plus, I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming, and at no extra charge, pronunciation.
+Father, you've made me the happiest girl who ever lived.
+Oh nuts.
+What do I do? What do I do?
+Grampa, if you wanna go right...
+... move your joystick to the left.
+Yes, move the... what's a joystick? You didn't tell me...
+Uh-oh, here comes a Xylon cruiser. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go into hyperspace! Ready, hit it!
+Wait. Where's the Hyperspace?
+Grampa, you're the spaceship, not the...
+I'm the what? I thought I was this guy. Ohhh.
+Game's over, Grampa.
+I got down on the floor for this?
+Wait, Dad, I've got something for you.
+I was hoping it'd be money.
+Hmm, oh dear, we're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
+Well you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.
+Actually, I was thinking we could cut down on your beer.
+Nah, we're not gonna be doing that.
+Then I'm afraid there's no choice but to give up the pony back.
+First you didn't want me to get the pony. Now, you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.
+Homer...
+Marge, Lisa loves me, the pony stays.
+All right. You got us into this, you get us out.
+Fine, I will. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work for it.
+Do you have any jewelry you don't need anymore?
+You're so beautiful.
+Oh look. You haven't touched your salt lick. Num num, good salt lick.
+Need money. Need money.
+One Scratch-for-Cash, please.
+Here you go.
+Liberty Bell... Two Liberty Bells... come on, come on, come on... Oh. Yes! Whoo-hoo! Three Liberty Bells! That'll be TEN thousand dollars, Apu.
+Oh congratulations, Mr. Homer!
+Thank you.
+If I could just see the ticket...
+There it is.
+Please to be removing your thumb.
+Yes. Please, I must insist...
+No! No!
+I've got to look at the ticket
+No! You can't see... come on!
+Yes, I must...
+Let go. You're ripping it.
+A cherry! Oh, Mr. Homer, what has reduced you to such cheap chicanery?
+Ohh... I need money.
+Well, if you need money you should have at least jammed a gun in my head or better yet you could inquire about my "Help Wanted" sign.
+You're looking for help?
+Yes. We need someone for the demanding, yet high-profile midnight to eight a.m. shift.
+I'm your man!
+You're hired.
+Woo-hoo!
+Always I dreamed the day would come when one of you would be working for me!
+She certainly tamed that horse.
+Yes, but what man can tame her?
+I won't lie to you. On this job you will be shot at.
+Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honor.
+...Badge of honor.
+Here's a pointer: try to take it in the shoulder.
+Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. There's only one bozo who comes in and buys them.
+But I eat... Oh.
+Heh heh, the perfect crime.
+Homer, where have you been? I was so worried.
+Marge, could we go in the other room? I did something last night I'm not proud of and I don't want the kids to hear it.
+Busted!
+I'll work form midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to spend as I please. Then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.
+Oh my God, she killed him.
+Mmm... salty.
+Homer, are you stealing Squishees?
+No sir.
+This next song is also about a girl and her pony. It's called "Wildfire."
+Come on, Apu honey, loosen up.
+I'm sorry, baby. While I am here pleasuring you, my store is going down the tubes.
+Three dollars and fifty-one... fifty-two... fifty-three cents.
+Homer! You are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products.
+Yes sir.
+Sorry baby, date's over.
+Homie, how long do you plan to do this?
+I don't know. How long do horses live?
+Thirty years?
+Mustn't sleep. Must monitor core.
+Y'ello.
+I just called to say I love you, Dad.
+Thanks. When is she gonna stop loving me?
+I just heard Millie Vanillie was just arrested for impersonating a McNugget.
+Well, it's true.
+Well, it's still fun to be up late.
+Hey, Homer, where ya goin'?
+Going for... eight hour walk.
+Homer sleep now.
+What's wrong with Dad?
+He's just exhausted. Lisa, do you know how much it costs to keep a pony?
+Well, it's a lot. In fact, your father had to take a second job.
+The poor guy. Where's he working?
+The Kwik-E-Mart.
+Lisa, I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up.
+You're gonna make me give up Princess?
+Lisa, we can't make you give up that pony.
+I can make her. Just give me five minutes alone with her.
+No, Bart. No one's going to make her. This is something Lisa has to decide for herself.
+All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult has blown up in my face.
+Hey, pink hat, when I ordered that blueberry squishee, I meant today.
+Coming right up, sir.
+And fill it to the top this time.
+Yes, sir.
+She likes a little carrot after her oats. And she really likes it when you scratch her behind the ear. And if you're playing the radio, she likes contemporary adult in the morning and easy listening at night. Please take good care of my Princess.
+Although there is no change in my patrician facade, I can assure you my heart is breaking.
+I'll never forget you.
+What--- wha, da, you call this melted cheese receptacle clean? Eh, the young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.
+Dad, you don't have to do this.
+Yes I do. You see Lisa, grownups have a thing called money...
+Dad, I understand the sacrifice you've made for me. That's why I gave up the pony.
+You did?
+Hmmm hmmm. There's a big dumb animal I love even more than that horse.
+Oh no! What is it, a hippopotamus!
+I mean you, you dummy.
+Apu. You can take this job and re-staff it!
+Giddyup, Dad.
+He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers... still, there goes the best damn employee a convenience store ever had.
+Products you could only imagine before. The Foam Doam...the Jet Walker...Mr. Sugar Cube...
+That baby changed our lives.
+Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody.
+Hi, Dr. Nick.
+Troy, I've brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allan Poe.
+Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turned this tombstone into a depressing eyesore.
+Not so fast Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm.
+Oooooh! That's one clean tombstone.
+Hey, Dad, you got a power drill?
+In the garage.
+I'm offering three bottles -- enough to clean one thousand tombstones -- for only thirty-nine ninety-five.
+Yeah, give us a break, Doctor.
+But Troy, how can I make it lower than thirty-nine ninety-five.
+Hey, Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw.
+If stuff starts flying, just turn your head.
+Oh, check.
+Okay. I'll throw in a fourth bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas Jell-O mold -- twenty-nine ninety-five.
+Okay, okay, calm down.
+Homer, can you get the door? It's my sisters.
+Homer, be nice.
+Okay, I will. I will.
+Patty, Selma, what a pleasant surprise.
+What do you know, he's wearing pants.
+I owe you a lunch.
+Ugly... ugly... butch...
+What's the matter, can't you find a hair style you like?
+No... Hold the phone. That's the one for me.
+Ed Asner?
+No, next to him. Mary... Tyler... Moore.
+... Expiration date: June, 1999... Uh, 2012, yeah.
+Homer, are you ordering junk off the TV again?
+Shh! They'll hear you.
+Who's using the power tools?
+I don't know. Some guy I guess.
+Well, we're going to the beauty parlor. Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone.
+Oh sure, great idea. I'd love to -- Did you hear that?
+How much?
+Everything.
+What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you?
+Uh... take us to the video store.
+Anything for my little girl.
+Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. Stupid kid.
+Ooooooh, McBain.
+Hey McBain, you keep eating them hot links and you'll never make it to a pension.
+No, thanks. Got me a future, partner. I'm two days away from retirement, my daughter's graduating from college --
+And as soon as we nail Mendoza my old lady and I are gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. We just christened the boat.
+Yes, sir, everything's gonna be just perf...
+Aw, damn, damn, damn. McBain...
+I'm not gonna make it.
+No, no, no. Just do one thing for me... Get... Mendoza.
+You want to rent it, sir?
+Why? I just saw the best part.
+Oooh, "Death by Knockout," "Blood on the Ice" Oh, oh... "Football's Greatest Injuries". Lisa, we're going.
+But, Dad, I can't find "Happy Little Elves in Tinkly Winkly Town".
+Just grab something. All these movies are great.
+Look at this. "Test your F.Q. -- Fatherhood Quotient". Maybe you should try it on Homer. He'll fail it.
+Uh-huh. In a second.
+I don't know.
+Now Henry Winkler, there's a father. Listen to what he told a close friend. "I don't always keep my cool like `The Fonz', but my love for my kids has given me plenty of 'Happy Days'."
+... They called him "The Galloping Gazelle." His habitat: the frozen tundra of Soldier Field. For six seasons and two pro bowls he grazed on the tasty green turf of the end zone. Until one fateful Sunday in November when the gazelle was stopped in his tracks by a big cat named Wayne Kychezski.
+Homie, we're back.
+Don't mind that clod, Patty. You could turn the world on with your smile.
+Homer, could you turn off the TV? There's a little test I want you to take.
+Oh great, you made me miss Joe Theisman.
+This is from the National Fatherhood Institute. It evaluates your knowledge of your son and rates you as a father.
+Oh Marge.
+Question one: "Name one of your child's friends..."
+Uh, let's see, Bart's friends... Well, there's the fat kid with the thing... uh... the little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets.
+They want a name, Homer, not a vague description.
+Okay. Hank.
+Hank?! Hank who?
+Hank... Jones.
+Homer, you made that up. Question two: "Who is your son's hero?"
+Steve McQueen.
+That's your hero. "Name another dad you talked to about parenting."
+What are your son's hobbies?
+Well, he's always chewing on that phone cord.
+He hasn't done that since he was two.
+Then he has no hobbies.
+Oh really? Well, maybe you should go out in the garage and see.
+Bart!... BART!!!
+You don't have any hobbies, do you boy?
+No, not really.
+Well, that's what I... Wait a minute. What are you doing?
+Building a Soap Box Derby racer.
+Oh, that's a hobby!
+Hey, so it is.
+Oh, my God. I don't know jack about my boy... I'm a bad father!
+You're also fat.
+I'm also fat!
+National Fatherhood Institute. Please hold...
+AND THE CAT'S IN THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON / LITTLE BOY BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON / WHEN YOU COMIN' HOME DAD / I DON'T KNOW WHEN...
+National Fatherhood Institute. Dave speaking.
+I'm Homer Simpson. I just took your test. I got a zero.
+Wow, it really is you.
+Good Lord, a zero! Lona, cancel my one o'clock. Mr. Simpson, we'll send a wood paneled station wagon over for you immediately.
+Hey Bart, where'd you get the lumber?
+Well, as three-time soapbox derby champ Ronnie Beck says, "Poorly guarded construction sites are a gold mine."
+A conventional design.
+Oh, yeah? Are you building a racer, Martin?
+In between some other projects. Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I've booked some time at the wind tunnel.
+Goodbye, son.
+Hey Bart, I think they're finally hauling your dad away.
+Maybe it's for the best.
+For starters, Mr. Simpson, won't you take this complimentary copy of "Fatherhood" by Bill Cosby.
+Ho, ho... if he's as smart as he is funny, I'm sold.
+Mr. Simpson, if you want to be a good father, you have to spend time with your son.
+Well, that's easy for you to say, you preachy egg-headed institute guy. How much do you see your son?
+Why don't you ask him yourself?
+Homer, meet Dave Jr.
+How's your research coming, son?
+I think we're near a breakthrough.
+Good work.
+Thanks, Dad.
+Oh, how I envy you!
+Homer, that easy back and forth that you just witnessed didn't happen over night. It took years of effort.
+I've never been afraid of a little hard work.
+Aw, that's the spirit, Mr. Simpson. Now step one is to find an activity the two of you can share. Does the boy have any interests?
+What boy?
+Your son. Find something he likes to do and share in it.
+Well, he is building a soapbox derby racer.
+Aw, that would be perfect.
+Dear God! Not again.
+Bart!... I'm gonna help you build that racer.
+Thanks, but I'm almost done. Why don't you get back on the couch and watch TV?
+Okay. No, I'm gonna do it.
+Sorry dad, but three time Soap Box Derby champion Ronnie Beck never needed his dad's help.
+But you can use me. I'm good. I've built a lot of things around the house... The spice rack... The birdfeeder... The gymboree.
+What was that? Ah, who cares. Son, please let me help you.
+Come on Dad, it'd be weird.
+Oh this isn't working at all. It's hopeless... Wait a second.
+Hmm... "Cosby's first law of intergenerational perversity: No matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the opposite." Huh?
+Oh, that sounds too complicated.
+All right, I will! Son, I don't think you should let me help you.
+Ah come on dad, if you really want to help, you can clean these paint brushes.
+Thank you, Bill Cosby, you saved the Simpsons!
+You know, Marge, that Bart of ours is a little miracle. His winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief... He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
+I like our chances, son.
+Ugh. Your father is not supposed to help build your racer, but you should at least consult him about it.
+You're in heat four. Whoa, where's your helmet, son?
+Helmets are for wusses, Sir.
+I don't think I can let you go without a safety helmet.
+This is my son and if he doesn't want to wear one you can't make him!
+Okay, fine. I want to get out of here sometime today.
+Attention, everyone. I say to those who question the value of the space program... Behold!
+Aye carumba!
+Hey, you're not supposed to smoke in the pit area.
+Hey, Simpson, where's your loser-mobile?
+Loser-mobile... heh, heh ... wait a minute!
+It's over there, Nelson.
+Whoa, talk about your pieces of crap.
+You know, Bart, I don't care who wins, as long as one of us beats that guy.
+Careful, boys. It took me months to steal that bumper.
+Help! Help!
+What was that?
+You didn't hear nothin'.
+Are you nervous son?
+Don't worry, Dad, as three time Soap Box derby champion Ronnie Beck says, "Gravity is my co-pilot."
+Hey boss, just in case you need it.
+Thanks guys.
+Now get out of here.
+Oh my. I didn't realize this hill was so high. Could I have another minute -- Aaah!
+Deploy, damn you, deploy!
+It hurts! It hurts! Owee-owee-owee-ow!
+Young man, I'm afraid this stress fracture will require you to be in a cast for six weeks.
+But that means I can't possibly race!
+Son, you're lucky to be alive.
+Save your palliative cliches for the next poor sap, Doctor.
+Is it okay to visit?
+Of course.
+Hey man, cool crash. Way to cheat death.
+Thanks, Bart.
+You had the best stick out there, man. I wish I could build 'em like you.
+That racer transformed me into the twisted creature you see before you. I'll never race again.
+If you don't race, then Nelson'll win!
+Even if I wanted to, I'm in no shape to do it. Unless... Bart, will you drive my car?
+Oh, I don't know if I should do that. My dad and I built our car together and if I drove someone else's it'd kill him. On the other hand... I'll do it.
+Okay Bart, we've got a lot of work to do on that car. So, I'm gonna pull you out of school for the next couple of weeks...
+Dad... I don't know how to say this, but I don't want to drive your car. It's slow, it's ugly, it handles like a shopping cart...
+Bart, the car had a few bugs in it, I admit that. But we're Team Simpson.
+Dad, I love you, but you taught me to win.
+When did I ever teach you that?
+Well, I picked it up somewhere. And if I drive Martin's car I can win. I'm sorry, but...
+Don't be, no. Go ahead, leave me. Go on, go on and win. No, go on and win without your dad.
+I'll just sit here in "Li'l Lightnin'" -- which the Simpsons built -- and remember that for one brief shining moment, I had a son.
+Dad, can you take me to Dr. Hibbert's office?
+Why? What's wrong?
+Oh, nothing. I just scheduled a tetanus booster. Maybe I'm being a little anal, but barefoot season's coming up and there's a world of rusty nails out there.
+Oh, sure, I'll take you, wait with you, worry about you, and then you'll ride home with someone who has a faster car. This is how you get your kicks, isn't it, Lisa?
+Martin, your bone is healing nicely.
+Tell me something I don't know.
+Dr. Hibbert, Lisa needs a. You! Homewrecker!
+Figure of speech.
+Mr. Simpson, you have every right to be angry. But rest assured, your son loves you...
+You certainly gave that boy the heebie-jeebies.
+Dad, aren't you coming?
+Now, don't pout.
+I'm not pouting, you are.
+Dad, you gotta come. I just got your hat out of the fridge.
+Don't you at least have something to say to Bart?
+No. Can't think of a thing.
+Homer! I've always said you were a good father. I've always defended you when people put you down.
+That's for sure.
+She ain't lyin'.
+But I guess I was wrong. You are a bad father.
+Leave me alone.
+Good morning, everybody, and welcome to an event that harkens back to the carefree days of the Great Depression -- The Soapbox Derby.
+In just minutes, these junior Al Unser Juniors will lock horns.
+"Name your son's hobbies." Building a soapbox racer... "Name your child's friends." Martin... Martin! I'll curse that name 'til the day I die... Huh? "Who is your son's heroe?"...
+Three-time Soapbox Derby Champion Ronnie Beck!
+Wow, I'm one question away from being a perfect father. "Name another dad you talked to about parenting."
+Hey ho Simpson.
+Shut up Flanders. Flanders!
+Flanders, Flanders, uh, uh, when should a boy start dating?
+Well sir, there are two schools of thought...
+Great, thanks.
+I talked to Flanders about parenting. I'm a perfect father. Hold on, son, I'm-a coming!
+My friend and I have a bet -- Are you Mary Tyler Moore?
+Bart, if she breaks up on you, steer away from the grandstands, or else you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators. Bart what did I just tell you?
+Kill spectators.
+What is the matter with you?
+It's my dad. Lying there on the couch drinking a beer, staring at the TV. I've never seen him like that.
+Forget about your father. You're driving for me now!
+Do it for your old man, boy!
+Simpson, prepare to die.
+Let's rock.
+Ladies and gentlemen, to drop the checkered flag, our beloved Mayor, Diamond Joe Quimby.
+To everyone participating today, I salute your vigor. Check out the rack on the blonde in the fourth row.
+... like the arrogant Roman and Judah Ben Hur, these modern charioteers battle ferociously. No quarter given, none asked.
+The world has not seen the likes of this since the French carried Lucky Lindy off on their shoulders from Le Bourget Field.
+And now, to present the trophy, three time Soapbox Derby Champion, Ronnie Beck.
+Congratulations Bart. Seeing you out there brought back a lot of memories.
+Thanks, Mr. Beck. I was alone out there, but someone was riding with me in spirit... This is for you, Dad.
+No, son, you earned it.
+I might remind you both, I did design that racer. The driver is essentially ballast.
+The better man won, Simpson. You can really drive.
+Thanks, Nelson, put her there.
+Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Loser! Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!
+Bart, you know there is such a thing as being a bad winner.
+Mom, I never won before. I may never win again. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!
+That's my boy. Nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah!
+Nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah! Nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah!
+Hello, I'm Kent Brockman and this is Eye on Springfield.
+Wow, infotainment.
+Tonight, we solute the silver anniversary of the great Springfield tire yard fire. Twenty-five years and stilll burning strong.
+...We watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man...
+He's not so fat.
+And we visit with Heavyweight Champion, Drederick Tatum, who reminisces about growing up in Springfield.
+That town is a dump. If you ever see me back there, you know I really up bad.
+But first, part seven of our eye-opening look at... the bikini!
+Whoa, T and A.
+Bart, why are you still up?
+Lisa's slumber party.
+Who can sleep with those five evil hens cackling and plotting against me?
+Boy, they've got better things to talk about than you. Sheesh, what an ego.
+Lisa, your brother is so gross!
+You should smell his room.
+Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be.
+It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.
+That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career.
+It's a dustpan.
+The wax never lies.
+Let's play truth or dare.
+Truth or dare, truth or dare.
+I'll take -- "dare".
+I dare you to -- kiss Lisa's brother.
+Eeeeeewwwwww!
+What the... ?
+Aaahhh!
+Ptew!! Ptew!! I'm telling Mom and Dad.
+You're telling who?
+Mom and Dad!
+Now you can't talk until somebody says your name!
+Coming up next, an elephant who never forgets... to brush!
+What is it, boy?
+Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
+Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
+Because I'm "jinxed" dammit!
+Ow! What was that for?
+You spoke while you were jinxed so I get to punch you in the arm. Sorry, it's the law. Heh, heh.
+There he is! Let's give him a make-over.
+Run for it boy!
+Come here, Maggie.
+That's it. I'm outta here.
+Hiya, Homer.
+What's the matter, Moe?
+Ah, business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the Junior High school next door no one would even use the cigarette machine.
+Yeah, things are tough all over.
+Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
+Could I get a beer?
+Uh, yeah, sure.
+Oh sorry, I forgot we're out of beer.
+Yeah, I know, I got behind on my beer payments. The distributor cut me off and I spent my last ten grand on the "Love Tester".
+You're too late, Homer. Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad.
+Take it easy, Homer. I learned how to make other drinks at Bartender's School.
+Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?
+Hey, I know a good drink. Really hits the spot. I invented it myself...
+One night Marge's beastly sisters were showing slides from their latest vacation.
+... and this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets.
+Sorry, Harv.
+As you can see, we never did get the hang of it.
+Aye carumba!
+As I stared up at that hairy yellow drumstick, I knew I needed a drink.
+Patty, Selma, would you excuse me for a moment?
+If you're going for a beer, this is the last one.
+I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.
+In my haste I had grabbed a bottle of the kids' cough syrup.
+It passed the first test: I didn't go blind.
+They say everyone can float in the Dead Sea, but Selma sank right to the bottom.
+I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.
+Whoa, sounds like one hell of a drink. What do you call it?
+A "Flaming Homer".
+Okay, why don't you make us up a couple of "Flaming Homers"?
+Hey Moe, you got any cough syrup?
+Uh, let me check the lost and found.
+What do we got here, Bowie knife, troll doll, glass eye...
+Oh. Here we are.
+It's not without its charm.
+Try lighting it on fire.
+Whoa! Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.
+Hey, your Love Tester's busted. I want my nickel back.
+Hey, buddy. Have one on the house.
+Hey, hey, this drink is delicious! And my phlegm feels looser. What do you call it?
+Well, it's called a "Flaming...
+Moe! It's called a "Flaming Moe"! That's right, a "Flaming Moe". My name is Moe, and I invented it. That's why it's called a Flaming Moe. What? What are you lookin' at, Homer? It's a Flaming Moe I'm Moe.
+Hey, what's this?
+A sneeze guard.
+Wow, it really works.
+I'll be back.
+Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps. Do you think my drink had something to do with it?
+Who can say? It's probably a combination of things.
+Another pitcher of those amazing "Flaming Moe's".
+Boy, I hate this joint, but I love that drink.
+Barkeep, I couldn't help noticing your sign.
+The one that says, "Bartenders Do It 'Til You Barf"?
+No, above that store-bought drollery.
+Oh great! Why don't we fill out an application? I'll need your name, measurements and turn ons..
+You really expect me to tell you my measurements?
+You could, but I find this way is much more accurate... and fun.
+what do you offer in the way of salary?
+Minimum wage and tips. Of course there are fringe benefits.
+Such as?
+An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe.
+I prefer to take my vacations someplace hot.
+I like your moxie, kid. You're hired.
+You shan't regret this.
+Methinks I shan't.
+Pardon me, are you the genius behind the "Flaming Moe"?
+Why yes I --
+I'm your man.
+Huh uh. My name is Harv Bannister. I work for "Tipsy McStagger's Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium".
+Oh yeah? Hey, what's Mr. McStagger really like?
+Actually, there is no Tipsy McStagger. He's just a composite of other successful logos.
+Well, you tell him from me that he makes one great mozzarella stick.
+Yes, fine, I will. Anyway, I've got a proposition for you.
+Keep talkin'.
+We feel your "Flaming Moe" is perfect for our restaurant chain. We want to buy the recipe.
+No dice. The "Flaming Moe" is not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink?
+Good for you, Moe. Only an idiot would give away a million dollar idea like that.
+So the next time you use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank Mister A.J.P Martin.
+Brilliant Martin, brilliant. Once again you've wrecked the grading curve. Oh, I pity the poor student who has to follow you. Bart Simpson? You're next.
+"The Inventor I Admire", by Bart Simpson. The inventor I admire is, not a rich man, or a famous man, or even a smart man. He's my father, Homer Simpson, creator of... the "Flaming Homer"!
+The "Flaming Homer"? You mean the "Flaming Moe". And your dad didn't invent it, ya wuss. Moe the bartender did.
+Yes, everyone knows that.
+It's not true! My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate...
+Bart, are those liquor bottles?
+I brought enough for everybody.
+Take those to the teacher's lounge. You can have what's left at the end of the day.
+Good evening, Krusty.
+Nice to see you, Bernard.
+Thank you very much. Right this way.
+Krusty, over here!
+What the--?
+Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as "Flaming Moe's Day."
+Uh, sir, this is already Veteran's Day.
+It can be two things!
+Mom, instead of milk for dinner, can I have a "Virgin Moe?"
+Honey, what's wrong?
+I'll tell you what's wrong. That rotten Moe is getting rich off a recipe i gave him!
+Take that off this second!
+Homie, why don't you just go down to Moe's and talk to him? I bet he'd be willing to share some of his success with you.
+Nah... Marge, I'm too upset to eat -- I think I'll go to Moe's. .
+Can I help you sir?
+I need to talk to Moe.
+Your name's not on the list.
+I didn't even tell you my name.
+Okay, what's your name?
+Homer Simpson.
+Not on the list.
+We're all filled up. Fire laws.
+Ladies and gentlemen, some new buddies of mine stopped by tonight. Maybe we can get 'em to come up here. How about a warm "Flaming Moe's" welcome for Aerosmith!
+I don't think so, Moe. / Yeah, we're just hangin' out.
+C'mon, guys. Free pickled eggs.
+Hello, St. Lewis!
+Uh, that's Springfield, Steven.
+Uh, yeah, right. Are you ready to rock?!
+Yeah!!!
+I said, are you ready to rock?!
+Yeah!!!
+Hit it!!
+WELL THERE'S A BACK SEAT LOVER, THAT'S ALWAYS UNDER COVER,
+AND I TALK TO MY DAD, HE SAY/ HE SAID, YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' TILL YOU'RE DOWN ON A MUFFIN AND YOU'RE SURE TO BE CHANGIN' YOUR WAYS/ I MET A CHEERLEADER WAS A REAL YOUNG BLEEDER OH THE TIMES I COULD REMINISCE/ TO THE BEST THINGS OF LOVIN' WITH HER SISTER AND HER COUSIN AND THEY STARTED WITH A LITTLE KISS/
+Barney?
+Hey, Homer. I want you to meet my friends, Armando and Raffi.
+Hey, Moe, get up here!
+Walk this way.
+Walk this way.
+Walk this way.
+Hiya, Scrumptious. Do you want to ignite my drink?
+You're my kid's teacher!
+Single parent, are we?
+Well, let's pretend you are.
+Get away from me.
+Hey, Moe?
+Oh, hiya, Homer. How 'bout a beer?
+I'd rather have a "Flaming Homer".
+A what? Oh, I get it.
+How could you do this to me, Moe? This bar was going under and it was the drink I invented that saved it.
+If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
+Morris, is what this man's saying true?
+Well, it's hard to say. He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging six ninety-five for it.
+Whoop, telephone.
+Flaming Moe's.
+Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
+Hold on. I'll check. Hugh Jass, Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass.
+Oh, I'm Hugh Jass.
+Telephone.
+Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
+Uh... hi.
+Who's this?
+Bart Simpson.
+What can I do for you, Bart?
+Uh, look. I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta backfired and I'd like to bail out right now.
+All right. Better luck next time. What a nice young man.
+Homer, I'm sorry you're mad at me, but this isn't personal. This is business.
+Business, eh? Well let me tell you something. You just lost yourself a customer!
+What? I'm sorry. Homer, I couldn't hear you.
+I said, you just lost yourself a customer!
+You just lost yourself a customer.
+Homer, you're gonna have to speak up!
+You just lost yourself a customer, Moe!
+I lost myself to what?
+You just lost yourself a customer.
+Homer, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
+You just lost yourself a customer.
+Yeah, you can use it!
+WHEN THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD HAS GOT YOU DOWN/ AND YOU WANT TO END YOUR LIFE/ BILLS TO PAY, A DEAD-END JOB/ and PROBLEMS WITH THE WIFE/ BUT DON'T THROW IN THE TOWEL/ 'CAUSE THERE'S A PLACE RIGHT DOWN THE BLOCK/ WHERE YOU CAN DRINK YOUR MISERY AWAY/ AT FLAM-ING MOE'S/ LET'S ALL GO TO FLAMING MOE'S/ LET'S ALL GO TO FLAMING MOE'S/ WHEN LIQUOR IN A MUG/ CAN WARM YOU LIKE A HUG/ AND HAPPINESS IS JUST A FLAMING MOE AWAY/ HAPPINESS IS JUST A FLAMING MOE AWAY.
+Barney!
+How's the world treatin' you, Mr. Gumble?
+Hey, there. What can I do for ya, Harv?
+Well sir, Tipsy McStagger would like to buy your drink.
+He's here?!
+Oh, no, no. I mean my company is willing to do what it takes to get that recipe. We're prepared to offer you one million dollars.
+Sorry, Harv, but like I told you before, it ain't for sale.
+Don't be stupid. We have a laboratory for this kind of thing. We've got it all figured out except for one ingredient.
+Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph... the secret ingredient is... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?
+I'm sorry, but the secret ingredient dies with me.
+Thirty cases of cough syrup. Sign here.
+I got hooked on this stuff in the service.
+Ah, my new watering hole.
+Yeah, what do you want?!
+A beer?
+Okay, then.
+Can I have a clean glass?
+Here you go, your majesty.
+Next up, a toast to the wizard of Walnut Street.
+The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the Czar.
+So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
+I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
+Well, this all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that? I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
+Stupid Moe... non-inventing... recipe stealing... pug-nosed...
+Well Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
+Oooh! Look at me, I'm making people happy. I'm the Magical Man from Happyland in a gum drop house on Lollipop Lane!
+Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
+Well, duh.
+Now that's what I call a "Happy Hour".
+Morris something troubles me.
+Don't worry baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes.
+No, I was just thinking about Homer Simpson.
+That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
+I meant I think you should sell your drink and give half the money to Homer.
+But honey --
+He's your friend, Morris. And you took advantage of him.
+Alright, alright. I'll split the million with Homer. Jeepers, Mary and Joseph. I sleep with a chick once, it costs me a half a million bananas.
+Moe... Moe... Moe...
+Bart, are you going to moe the lawn today?
+Okay, but you promised me moe money.
+I moe, I moe.
+Moe... Moe... Moe.
+When Bart's done, can we moe to the moevies? There's a moetinee.
+Of course. All work and moe play makes Moe a moe moe.
+Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe...
+Hey, Homer. Whatsamatter?
+Hey, where's Joey?
+Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drum sticks.
+Come and get 'em.
+You're gonna be a rich man, Moe. I gotta tell you, the way we usually work in these situations is to steal the recipe and run the inventor out of business. C'est la vie.
+What the...
+Fools! You poor, pathetic, misguided creatures, choking down your Flaming Moe's. All the time wondering, "How does he do it?" Well, I'm going tell you. The secret ingredient is...
+Homer, no!
+Cough syrup. Nothing but plain, ordinary, over the counter children's cough syrup!
+Thank you, Mr. Nutball. Gotta go, Moe. Tough luck.
+Holy cow. You just fell on Aerosmith!
+Hey, Homer, come in here.
+Hi, Moe. Where's that waitress of yours?
+Ah, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly I think she was better off here.
+Moe, sorry I lost you hundreds of thousands of dollars.
+Oh, hey, hey. Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret.
+I guess so.
+Compliments of the house. One "Flaming Homer".
+Ahh. Thanks, Moe. You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have.
+Hey, do you think Aerosmith will be in tonight?
+I doubt it.
+It's a breakthrough product, sir: scientifically formulated to rinse clean with no oily deposits.
+Hot dog!
+And it's mild enough to use every day.
+Isn't life grand?
+What's wrong sir, did I get some in your eyes? The shampoo specifically said "No More Tears".
+A lovely promise, but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.
+Sir, I feel there is something you're not telling me? Perhaps, you'd feel more comfortable talking to Snappy the Alligator.
+Hello, Mr. Burns.
+Snappy, do you it's hard to imagine, but I was once a barefoot boy with cheek of tan. I dreamed of grand slam homeruns and wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen.
+Well there's still time for all those things, sir.
+Is there? Controlled nuclear fission is a demanding mistress, Snappy.
+So you feel resentful towards the plant.
+Yes, yes, exactly! You know, maybe it's time I sold the old girl.
+Oh, what do they want!
+Maybe a nap will boost my spirits.
+I'll get that whale song cassette that you like, sir.
+It's not fair!
+I know how you feel, Simpson. I've never seen Mr. Burns so depressed.
+Uh-huh.
+People think that because he's rich and powerful and cruel, he doesn't have feelings like other men. But he does. And you know what? I bet he wouldn't sell the plant for a hundred million dollars.
+Ooh, that's a lot of money.
+Uh, Mr. Smithers, do you have change for a dollar?
+Good, good. Try to eat something.
+Homer Simpson here.
+Are you sure? Cuz once I open the bottle there's no refund.
+Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time in ten years.
+I own stock?
+Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.
+So uh, how much did it go up?
+Wait a minute. Let's not do that yet. The book says we have to make a little small talk before you get down to business. Everybody alive?
+Yeah...
+Like any sports?
+Sure...
+Ever go dancing?
+Not any more...
+We should get together sometime.
+That'd be great.
+There. Now we trust each other.
+Well... how are you?
+Near death. I'm renewing my notary license on a weekly basis.
+Uh-huh. So what's my stock up to?
+Let me punch that up on the computer.
+Twenty five cents a share.
+What should I do?
+Well, let me put it this way. You'll get twenty-five dollars if you sell now.
+Sell! Sell! Sell! Woo hoo! Twenty-five dollars!
+Ooooh... ooh, hot wax... ooh, hammer...
+Bart! Bart! Turn to the financial channel! Aunt Patty says our stock is skyrocketing!
+Unconfirmed takeover rumors have pushed Burns Worldwide from one eighth to fifty-two and a quarter...
+Your father's stock is worth fifty-two hundred dollars!
+Wow, fifty-two hundred smackers.
+Hey, Homer. Wanna Duff?
+No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K. Duff's Private Reserve.
+For your information, I just made a cool twenty-five dollars playing the market. Buy low, sell high, that's my motto. I may just quit my job at the power plant to become a full-time stock market guy.
+Have a Duff, boys!
+Oh, thank you. My English is not perfect, but I have to tell you your beer is like swill to us. Do I have that right? I am saying that only a swine would drink this beer.
+Yeah, but thank you anyway.
+Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you?
+Ech, nein. We are from Germany. He is from the East. I am from the West.
+I had a big company and he had a big company. Now we have a very big company.
+We are interested in buying the power plant. Do you think the owner would ever sell it?
+Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than 100 million dollars.
+A hundred million?
+Oh, don't worry! We'll still have enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.
+It's the miracle we've been waiting for.
+What are we going to spend it on?
+Homer's probably buying some magic beans with it right now.
+We'll have a savings account. We've never had one. Kids, I think everything is going to be okay from now on.
+Hey... hey!
+Oh, Homer!
+You heard?
+We heard! Isn't it wonderful? We have some great plans for that money.
+Well, I'm afraid I had some great plans, too.
+What do you mean?
+I spent it on beer.
+Surprise surprise.
+You spent fifty-two hundred dollars on beer?
+Fifty-two hundred dollars? What are you talking about?
+What? I sold it all for twenty-five bucks.
+Come on everybody. It makes you feel better.
+Hey, Homer.
+Did you buy this car with your stock money?
+Sure did. And the great thing about it is everybody got rich. For once, all us working stiffs got a break.
+Hey, wait till you see Lenny. He just got back from the plastic surgeon.
+Jeez Lenny, looks like you got the works.
+Well it started out as an eye tuck, but the stock kept going up.
+Hey, come here, Mr. Burns is on TV.
+Mr. Burns, we've heard that a German consortium has offered to purchase the plant. Any comment?
+You'll see the Statue of Liberty wearing lederhosen before you see Germans running my plant!
+Well then, sir, why are you meeting with them?
+So I can look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle and say nein.
+Ah, you never cease to amaze me, sir.
+Whoo! oooh, oooh, Whooo hoo hoo!
+I grudgingly accept.
+Now, don't worry. I think you'll find that these two gentlemen are as American as apple pie! Hans and Fritz, well that's just John and Frank!
+Ich bin ein Springfielder!
+We could all lose our jobs.
+Look at all those worried faces -- except for Lenny. He looks great.
+This is the worst day of my life.
+Those lousy Germans can't fire me. I'm the only one who knows how to unjam the rod bottom dissociator.
+Well, they can't fire me. I'm the only one certified to run the gaseous contaminant particularfier.
+Well, they can't fire me.
+Cuz... I...
+Well, it's a country in Europe --
+Guten morgen, I am Horst. The new owners have elected me to speak with you because I am the most nonthreatening. Perhaps I remind you of the lovable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes.
+Yeah, he does.
+What is the best way to an efficient plant?
+Happy workers who feel secure at their jobs. So let's get to know each other better. Do we have any alcoholics among us?
+You'll be given a six-week treatment at our drying out facility in Hawaii, after which you'll return at full pay.
+Lucky drunks.
+Also, we cannot uber-emphasize the importance of employee safety.
+We plan to have some frank discussions with your safety inspector.
+Yeah! Sock it to him, Horst!
+Hey, Homer, aren't you the safety inspector?
+That's one big check.
+You look sharp today, sir. You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr.
+You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr.
+That was a gutsy decision, sir. Ein wassen das gutsy decisionen, mein herr.
+Ein wassen das...
+Smithers! Come here, I want you.
+I wanted to give you something to remember me by. I know you've always had your eye on this photo of Elvis and me.
+He was so good to his mother, sir.
+Yes, but I couldn't understand a word that man said. Misht Burnsh, dajna boo mafrn friszner... er hound-dog.
+Stop it, you're killing me sir.
+Oh sir, what will you do next?
+Well, first I'll get that new hip I've been hankering for. Then, who knows? Bee keeping, boxing, bache ball?... The world is my oyster, Smithers. Farewell!
+Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
+Good, good, I'm learning.
+One of the economic powers of the world--
+Because we send them money?
+No. Because they're efficient and punctual, with a strong work ethic.
+Oh, woa is me.
+Homie, come to bed.
+Oh, Marge, I'm gonna be fired. I know it.
+Don't worry. Whatever happens, we'll pay the bills somehow.
+Marge, it's not the money. My job is my identity. If I'm not a safety whatchamajigger, I'm nothing.
+Well, if you can't sleep, why don't you do something constructive?
+Ooh, Battlestar Galactica.
+Fit, damn you! Fit!
+Yo, Homer. You gotta get ready for work.
+Huh? What?
+Oh, what am I gonna... Hey, you! top being so unsafe! Smitty -- safen-up!
+Homer, could we have a word with you?
+I must have phrased that badly. My English is, how you say... inelegant. I meant to say, may we have a brief, friendly chat?
+Once again, I have failed.
+We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.
+Auugghh!
+You've been safety inspector for two years. What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
+Uh... all of them?
+I see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well.
+I sure do!
+Such as...
+Well, ah, I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills... because a lot of workers really like candy.
+This is my park! Get out!
+We understand Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate.
+Mmm. The land of chocolate...
+Wow. Chocolate -- half price!
+La la la la la...
+Mr. Simpson...
+La la la la la la...
+Mr. Simpson...
+Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate?
+That was ten minutes ago!
+I think I did pretty good in there.
+Yeah, you know those Germans aren't so bad.
+Sure, they've made mistakes in the past, but that's why pencils have erasers.
+Attention workers. We have completed our evaluation of the plant.
+We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. That is all.
+Aye carumba!
+Now, Bart, Lisa did a wonderful job on my hair and we saved forty dollars for the family. We all have to pull together 'til your father gets a new job.
+I made a new bar of soap by squeezing all our little soap slivers together.
+That's very clever.
+And today, instead of buying comic books, I just read 'em and left 'em in the store.
+Hmmm, you shouldn't do that.
+My jump rope broke, but I just tied it back together.
+That's good, Lisa.
+I didn't take a bath today and I may not take one tomorrow.
+I want you to take baths, Bart.
+Lousy German know-it-alls, who are they to say I'm not safe? Oh what's the matter with this thing.
+No problems here.
+That's right, Burnsie... keep your wrist supple... throw it, don't aim it...
+It was worth it.
+This place has really gone to hell, Mr. Burns. It's obscene what they did to your office.
+Listen, Smithers, you caught me at a bad time but my folk guitar class has been canceled for tonight. Would you like to get together for a drink?
+Would I!
+Fine. I gotta go. See you at six.
+You're going down, my friend.
+Yes sir, Mr. Burns.
+That shouldn't be.
+Raccoons!
+That's right... gather the nectar, my little drones, and make the honey. Honey for your children.
+Ready for that drink, sir?
+Just a second, Smithers. Let me introduce you to the gang. That's Buzz. That's Honey. And you see that queen over there? Her name is "Smithers."
+Ha, ha. That's very flattering, sir. But we should go. Several bees are stinging me.
+Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
+Uh yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name... Bee.
+Ah, yeah. Just a minute, I'll check. Uh, Bee O'Problem. Bee O'Problem. C'mon, guys. Do I have an O'Problem here?
+You sure do!
+Awwww. It's you, isn't it?
+Listen you, when I get a hold of you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
+Bart, I want you to go down to Moe's Tavern. I need you to bring your father home.
+Excuse me, I'm looking for --
+Wait a minute. I know that voice.
+If it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years.
+That's right. That's my pop!
+Ah, little Bart... we hear all about your monkeyshines.
+Bet you get into all kinds of trouble he don't even know about. Am I right? Huh? Am I right?
+Yeah, well, I make some crank phone calls.
+That's great! Hey, would you sing that old song you used to sing for me?
+Moe, for you... anything?
+Look! A blue-collar bar! Oh, Smithers, let's go slumming!
+EVERY TEDDY BEAR WHO'S BEEN GOOD IS SURE OF A TREAT TODAY/ THERE'S LOTS OF MARVELOUS THINGS TO EAT, AND WONDERFUL GAMES TO PLAY/ BENEATH THE TREES, WHERE NOBODY SEES/ THEY'LL HIDE AND SEEK AS LONG AS THEY PLEASE/ TODAY'S THE DAY THE TEDDY BEARS HAVE THEIR PICNIC!
+He's a pip, this one is!
+Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose, Smithers, we're going in!
+Watch me blend in. Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my "buddy" here.
+I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile!
+Smithers, who is this saucy fellow?
+Homer Simpson, sir. Sector Sieben-gruben -- I mean, Sector 7G. Recently terminated.
+That's right. I lost my job so that you could have another 100 million dollars.
+Let me ask you something. Does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue?
+Okay, bad example. So let me ask you this, does your money ever hug you when you come home at night?
+Why, no.
+And does it ever say, "I love you?"
+No, it doesn't.
+Nobody loves you. Nobody loves you. You're old and you're ugly. Nobody loves you. Yea, yea, yea yea!
+Nobody loves you...
+Good heavens, Smithers! They're not afraid of me anymore!
+Hey Mr. Burns, did you get that letter I sent?
+Letter? I don't recall any letter...
+That's because I forgot to stamp it.
+Ah, that kid slays me.
+That was no accident. Let's get out of here.
+Na na na na / Na na na na /
+Hey hey hey / Goodbye -- Na na na na / na na na na / hey hey hey / goodbye...
+What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man? I've got to get my plant back!
+Gott in himmel! Who'd have thought a nuclear plant could be such a deathtrap.
+It will cost us another hundred million just to bring it up to code.
+Please sell me my plant back! I'll pay anything.
+Isn't this a happy coincidence? You are desperate to buy, and we are desperate to sell.
+Desperate, eh? Advantage, Burns.
+This is my offer. I think you'll find it's most unfair, but those are the breaks.
+But Mr. Burns, this is half of what we paid you.
+That's my final offer, take it or leave it.
+All right, Mr. Burns. You win. But beware. We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.
+Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. Ooh, the Germans.
+Uh-oh, the Germans are comin' to get me. Oh, don't let the Germans come after me... Oh no, the Germans are coming after me. Oh, no, they're so big and strong...
+Get out! This is my office now! Get out!
+You too. This is a place of business, not a Peewee flop house!
+Your orders, sir?
+Restore my office. Cancel all repairs. And rehire that chap who sassed me in the bar.
+Homer Simpson, but why?
+Smithers. I keep my friends close and my enemies even closer. He'll slowly regain his confidence as the months and years drift by, blissfully unaware that the sword of Damocles is dangling just above his head.
+And then one day... when he least expects it --
+Woo-hoo! I got my job back!
+"Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
+But Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe.
+Okay, let's see... "Ahoy maties! If the water turns blue, a baby for you. If purple ye see, no baby thar be".
+Well, what color is it? Blue or purple?
+"If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail". Well, I guess I'd better go see Dr. Hibbert.
+Oh honey, do you really think you're pregnant?
+Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I did with the other kids.
+Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always get.
+Well, I'll let you know.
+Hey, Homer, how come Mom's going to the doctor?
+Is anything wrong?
+No, everything's fine. Your mother uh, just, broke her leg.
+I smell a bun in the oven.
+Is Mom gonna have another baby, Dad?
+You're a machine, Homer.
+Did you hear that Maggie? Another baby in the house.
+Ohhh, cool, we can race them.
+Yeah, sure, for you a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.
+Doesn't Mom do that stuff?
+Yeah, but I have to hear about it.
+Were you like this when Mom was pregnant with me?
+Actually, Bart, I threw up more than your mother. ... It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the '80s.
+Hmmm, what do you think about?
+Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp... It was an exciting time to be young!
+For several years I'd been dating your mother and working at the local fun center.
+Homer, you're turning the blades too fast. The golfers are complaining. Slow down!
+That's better. Ah, beautiful. Keep this up and someday you'll be the guy who hands out the putters.
+Yes, sir.
+I was 24 years old, with a beautiful girlfriend and a job with a future...
+Hey, you're supposed to be listening to my story!
+I thought it was over. You had a problem turning a blade, you overcame it. The feel-good story of the year.
+It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
+Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television. Lousy, ungrateful... Can't keep their, whaddyacallit... minds... on any uh...
+Where do you think you're going? You're gonna listen to my story.
+Your mother was living with her two wicked sisters.
+Okay girls, you can smoke now.
+Umm... Oh yeah...
+It's Homer!
+I don't know what you see in that ugly meatball.
+Uh-huh. If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could get a cat.
+It would leave less hair on the couch.
+You don't know Homer like I do. He's sensitive and sweet.
+Homer, do you ever think about the future?
+You mean like will apes be our masters?
+No, I mean how you plan to earn a living. I can't imagine that job of yours is very stimulating.
+But it gives me time to think.
+Well, girls I mean I mean boys. I, I mean you!
+I think about you, too.
+Wow, what an ending? Who'd have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father.
+Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
+Oh, Homer.
+YOU LIGHT UP MY DAYS / AND FILL MY NIGHTS / WITH SONG.... IT CAN'T BE WRONG / WHEN IT FEELS SO GOO/RIGHT / CAUSE YOU -- YOU
+Our song.
+I'll bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
+Actually, she was singing about God.
+Oh. Well he's always happy. No, wait. He's always mad.
+Someday I'll buy you a real castle.
+You don't have to do that.
+Phew, good.
+Homer, maybe it's the Champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy.
+Really? It must be the Champale talking.
+What if we get caught?
+Don't worry. This castle is impregnable!
+Pass the cookie dough.
+Dust off your hula skirts, Angels, I'm afraid there's been a murder - in Hawaii!
+Hawaii it is, Charlie.
+Y'ello... Oh, hi Marge...
+I need you to drive me to the doctor, Homer.
+Why? What's wrong?
+Well, that unforgettable night we... joined the Castle Club...
+Well, Miss Bouvier. I... I think we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations.
+... ...
+Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful.
+"So You've Ruined Your Life".
+Son, you gotta marry that girl!
+Because it's the honorable thing to do?
+No, because you'll never do any better. You lucky bum! The fish jumped right in the boat. All you gotta do is whack her with the oar.
+Marge, there's something I want to ask you. But I'm afraid, because if you say no it'll destroy me and make me a criminal.
+Well, I haven't said no to you lately, have I?
+Marge, I... Damn it, where's that card?
+What card?
+Oh, I wrote down what I was gonna say on a card. Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket.
+Is this it?
+What's it say?
+"Marge, from the first moment I saw you I never wanted to be with anyone else. I don't have much to offer you... except all my love. Will you marry me?"
+That's the card. Give it here.
+Oh, Homer, this is the most beautiful moment of my life!
+So... will you marry me?
+Woo hoo! Woo hoo! Yeah! She's gonna marry me. In your face, everybody... Woo hoo!
+Dad, if the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel?
+I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Kool Moe Dee Simpson.
+Kool Moe Dee.
+Kool Moe Dee.
+Kool Moe Dee.
+You know, I had this very same discussion with your mother ten years ago.
+Homer, I've been thinking. If the baby's a boy, what do you think of the name Larry?
+Marge, we can't do that! All the kids'll call him Larry Fairy.
+Well, how about Louie?
+They'll call him Screwy Louie.
+Marcus?
+Mucous.
+What about Bart?
+Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Eeart... Nope, can't see any problem with that. Wow! I'll take that ring!
+Yes sir, and how will you be paying for it?
+I don't know.
+Finally, the big day came. We didn't have much money, so we went to a quaint little chapel just across the state line.
+Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license.
+Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house.
+Hey! This marriage is gonna last forever.
+No matter how many times I hear that, it always makes me laugh.
+Cletus, do you take Aline to be your lawful wedded wife?
+Done. Next.
+There certainly are a lot of stains on the ceiling.
+Marge, I'm sorry. I wish I could afford a better place.
+Homer, I'd be lying if I said that this is how I pictured my wedding day... But you are how I pictured my husband.
+Well, you may not look like Ted Bessell, but you're just as nice.
+Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and this casino to join...
+... and...
+... in holy matrimony. Beautiful.
+Don't be stupid.
+Do you, Marjorie Bouvier, take Homer J. Simpson to be your lawful wedded husband?
+Homer, same question, names reversed.
+Then, by the power vested in me by the state gaming commission, I pronounce you man and wife. Here's ten dollars worth of chips, you may kiss the bride.
+What a perfect day.
+Our first night together as man and wife.
+Hey! Lovebirds! Keep it down!
+Look what I got, Marge, a baby monitor.
+Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Wah! Wah! Over.
+Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.
+Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant? I hear they pay pretty well.
+I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
+Pfft. Now you tell me.
+We only have two openings, so I'm afraid one of you will have to go home empty-handed... But it won't be my old frat buddy, Lou Collier. How ya doin', you old Alpha Tau!
+Smithers, you keg-meister, you.
+Well, hey, I'm from Alabama Chapter!
+I'll be.
+Well, let's get on with the testing.
+Roll on, roll on, Alpha Tau -- Bow wow wow wow Bow wow wow wow...
+Hmmm, if I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us.
+What would each of you say is your worst quality?
+Well, I am a workaholic.
+I push myself too hard.
+Dear Marge, XXX. Homer.
+Well... It takes me a long time to learn anything... I'm kind of a goof-off...
+Okay, that'll do.
+... Little stuff starts disappearing from the workplace.
+That's enough! Next: there's a problem with the reactor, what do you do?
+There's a problem with the reactor?! We're all gonna die!!!
+Did you get the job?
+Nah, they wanted someone good. Story of my life.
+Oh, Homie. Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking.
+Wow! Kid, I won't let you down.
+I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're gonna see is a man with a good job.
+Yeah, the doctor.
+... And when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold.
+What a crappy candle!
+You've ruined our vacation!
+... You, gentle sir, are fired!
+Oh, hello, young man.
+Good evening, Madame. You have been selected by the good people of Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Nev-R-Dull knife-edge. Here... shake hands with the Slash-Co.
+Handle first, handle first...
+I quit! I quit!
+I thought you said you liked dogs.
+Hey, who wants to get rich today?
+Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! I said it first!
+First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady "pyramid schemes" you've been hearing about.
+All right! Stick it to the Man.
+No sir. Our model is the trapezoid that guarantees each investor an 800% return within hours of your initial...
+Uh-oh! The cops!
+"Fourth Notice"... "90 Days Overdue"... "We Break Thumbs"... Homer, what are we going to do?
+I don't know, I don't know --
+Repo Man! I'm here for the baby's things.
+Crib, mobile, monitor... oh, and the lady's ring, I'm afraid.
+Oh dear...
+Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.
+"Dear Marge... By the time you read this, I will be gone. You deserve all the finest things in the world. And although I can give them to you, they will be repossessed and I will be hunted down like a dog. Also, it has become clear that your family doesn't want me here."
+Shut up with that pen-scratching down there!
+I will send you every cent I earn for the baby. But you will not see me again until I am a man.
+That is so sad.
+Oh, c'mon, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household.
+Hey Homer, can we have a can of frosting for lunch?
+"You will not see me again until I am a man." Oh, Homer, Homer.
+There, there, dear. We're all in shock. I thought he'd two-time you for a while first.
+This taco is full of hair.
+Uh huh. There's your explanation.
+Should we tell Marge where he is?
+Nah. Let her read about it in the Society page.
+Homer ?!
+Marge, listen... We just saw...
+Big shots with their stainless steel lunchboxes...
+They get donuts?
+That's right. All the colors of the rainbow.
+Marge, what are you doing up? You need your rest, dear.
+I heard a noise outside and thought it might be Homer.
+What the hell. Marge I've got two-and-a-half words for you. Gulp 'N' Blow.
+Yeah, what do you want?
+My husband by my side.
+You want fries with that?
+Holy cow, you're as big as a house.
+Homer... Come home with me.
+No, Marge, I just can't. I mean, look at me. I'm a Trainee... They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. But I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.
+Any ring is fine as long as it's from you.
+Marge, for you.
+Would you mind if I took it off now? The oil is burning my finger.
+Oh, sure.
+Homer, do you know why I married you?
+Because I knocked you up?
+No, because I love you.
+Come home soon.
+That's it. That's it. Come closer...
+Ironic, isn't it. The hunter has become the hunted. Oh God, Smithers, I feel so alive.
+You the boss?
+I'll call security, sir.
+Step aside! I'll deliver this baby!
+Well, listen to me, Mr. Bigshot... if you're looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself... I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream. And if you don't like it... I can change!!
+Hold the phone, Smithers... I like your attitude. Feisty yet spineless.
+Sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet on his way out.
+I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since I first laid eyes on a young boot-lick named Waylon Smithers.
+You mean?
+Welcome aboard, son.
+I got the job. I got the job! Whoo hoo! Only in America could I get a job!
+Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
+Homer Simpson, sir.
+Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.
+Marge!... Marge!...
+You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital.
+The hospital?
+I'll drive you.
+Thanks, mom.
+Don't ever call me that.
+Marge! Marge, where's the baby?
+Right where you left it.
+Shut up!
+Hey, listen fatboy --
+No, you listen! This is my wife and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you want to stay, you better give me some respect!
+Homer, does this mean --
+Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
+Good God.
+And tomorrow morning, I'm gonna buy your ring back! Then I'm going house-hunting!
+Doesn't your job start tomorrow?
+Eh, somebody'll cover for me.
+Homer, that's -- Ohh!
+Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
+Oh, college boy, eh?
+Homer, for God's sakes, let him deliver the baby!
+Homie, isn't he beautiful?
+Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me.
+Ahh, Bart. Daddy's little angel.
+Why you little... He did that on purpose!
+How could he? He's only ten minutes old.
+Bart, Lisa. Come here for a minute...
+Y'know, son, the day you were born I received the greatest gift a man could have.
+As the years went by, your mother and I were blessed twice more.
+And not a day goes by that we don't thank God for all three of you.
+Homer, I'm not pregnant.
+Yeah!!! Whoa! Excellent, Marge!
+Aw, ain't that cute... Hey!
+Hey! Where in God's name did you learn that kind of... daaaanncciinng!
+Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present?
+Mon-ey.
+Dad, this is a hundred and ten dollars.
+Oh, sorry.
+That's very righteous. Funky C Funky Do will be back to lip sync another one of their hits, right after this.
+Hey kids! Why sit in front of the TV, when you can be on the radio!?
+WE'RE GONNA ROLL THIS TRUCKIN' CONVOY / CROSS THE U.S.A. / CON-VOY...
+That could be Bart!
+Throw away your bulky transmitters and broadcasting towers...
+The SuperStar celebrity microphone lets you hear your voice through any AM radio!
+Hey good lookin', we'll be back to pick you up later.
+He's in for some lovin'.
+It's the perfect gift for birthdays, graduations, board meetings.
+You're fired!
+Hm... Bart's birthday's coming up.
+But order now, supply is limited.
+Limited?!
+Do you have any of those microphones left?
+Yeah, a couple.
+Y'know, Marge. Bart's really gonna like my birthday present this year. It won't be like those shoe trees I got him last year... or the shelf paper I bought him for Christmas. I'll buy his love yet.
+Okay, Sideshow Mel, bring out the birthday cake!
+Hey kids, while Sideshow Mel mops up, let's see the names of our Krusty birthday pals for today!
+All right! Here comes my name!
+Wow, best eight bucks I ever spent.
+Bart, your Grampa's on the phone. He wants to wish you a happy birthday.
+Isn't that nice? Take a message. Right now I'm off to hit forty-six local merchants for free birthday goods and services.
+I'm here for my free birthday sundae.
+Eat it and get out.
+Digital audio tape, my butt! When I was a kid, we had compact discs, and I don't recall no one complaining.
+Damn right.
+Sorry, Rosarita. I gotta get to my birthday party.
+Farewell, Señor Bart!
+Hey, good to see ya. Glad you could make it. Toby, have you lost weight? Uh-oh, here comes trouble.
+It's Wally! Hey Wally, do something funny!
+Hey, later, okay... hey, why don't you go bug your parents?
+Cool, Larry the Looter!
+Hey there, I hear it's your birthday. How old are you?
+Well, I'm --
+That's great! Would you like us to sing you a special song?
+Hell, no.
+You got it! Ready, Señor Beaver-otti?
+I'm-a ready. And-a one and-a two...
+YOU'RE THE BIRTHDAY / YOU'RE THE BIRTHDAY / YOU'RE THE BIRTHDAY BOY OR GIRL.
+Wha th...?
+It's a label maker.
+Mmm-hmm. We have one at home. Before we got it I was always finding Patty's stubble in my leg razor.
+Ehhh...
+Bart, I'll bet you think nothin's gonna top that cactus. Well, check out my present!
+Bart! Be polite.
+Next, please.
+Bart, I've noticed your birthday presents are a poor crop at best. I hope this turns the tide.
+Just gorgeous.
+Now we can be twins!
+There's only one can of beer left and it's Bart's.
+Hey boy, how's the microphone working?
+Bart! I would love to get a present like that.
+Here you go. Enjoy.
+Listen, boy, this is a great invention! Watch.
+WE GOT A GREAT BIG CON-VOY / ROCKIN' THROUGH THE NIGHT / WE GOT A GREAT BIG CON-VOY / AIN'T SHE A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT / CON-VOY
+Quit it, Dad!
+Hey good-lookin', we'll be back for some dinner later!
+Wha'd you say? I can't understand you with all that distortion.
+What a crappy birthday.
+What do you mean, how did I get on the radio? I created the universe! Stupid kids.
+Y'know Bart, I don't think this is such a bad present. Maybe you just shouldn't talk into it as loud as your father does.
+Testing... testing... One, two, three... Oh, my. Do I sound like that?
+Hey, it does work!
+I bet you could have a lot of fun with this. Why don't you go show your father?
+Mmmmm. Chocolate.
+Mmmmm. Chocolate.
+Marge, we need some more vanilla-chocolate-and-strawberry ice cream.
+I'll get some at the store tomorrow, Homer.
+Mmmmm. Chocolate.
+People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless.
+We have captured your president. He was delicious.
+Why, you little...
+Wait a minute. Does this mean you like my present?
+Uh-huh.
+Just promise me you won't play anymore practical jokes.
+I promise.
+Mama! Mama!
+Maggie! You talked! Can you say "mama" again?
+Sorry lady, show's over.
+Oh, Bart.
+I dreamed I was married to Corey, and we lived on a pony farm...and Corey was always walking around with his shirt off.
+Oh, brotherrr.
+Mrs. Krabappel! That was uncalled for!
+Well done, old man.
+Rod... Todd... this is God.
+How did you get on the radio?
+Forgive my brother. We believe you.
+Talk is cheap. Perhaps a test of thy faith. Walk through the wall. I will remove it for you...later.
+What do you want from us?
+I got a job for thee. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons porch.
+But those cookies belong to our parents.
+Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?
+Happy God.
+Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies.
+Yes, sir.
+Whoops!
+Help! Help!
+Hoot mon! Sounds like trouble a-brewin' at the old well.
+Help me, please! I fell down the well!
+I'll get help, laddie!
+A little nip of courage.
+Out of my way! Look out, you horse's arse!
+Sucker.
+Hey, what's up?
+Some fool kid fell down a well.
+My name is Timmy O'Toole. I just turned ten years old.
+Timmy, where are your parents?
+Uh... I have no family. I tried to enroll in school, but your Principal Skinner turned me away because of my shabby clothes.
+He's a liar!
+Booooooo!
+The circumference of the well is thirty-four inches. So, unfortunately, not one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the boy.
+By God, men -- you're a bunch of marshmallows!
+Why don't you go, Chief?
+I'm too... important.
+Is it Sherri?
+Although the well is too dark to see the boy, Timmy has told us his foot is trapped under a rock. Thus, any attempt to pull him up would snap him like a twig.
+In desperation, the city is considering more unorthodox solutions.
+Grasping the child firmly in his talons, Socrates here will fly him to safety! Just watch!
+I don't think he's coming back.
+With this hook, and this hunk of chocolate, I'll land your boy. And I'll clean him for free.
+Although we can't reach your boy, we can freeze him with liquid nitrogen so that future generations can rescue him.
+Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from your bounty, we ask you to watch over little Timmy O'Toole, trapped in that well.
+Bart! What's wrong with you?
+Yeah, that Timmy is a real hero.
+How do you mean, dad?
+Well, he fell down a well... and can't get out...
+How does that make him a hero?
+Well, it's more than you did!
+And finally, Channel Six's own Krusty the Clown has gathered members of the entertainment community -- who normally steer clear of fashionable causes -- for a video called "We're Sending Our Love Down The Well."
+I wanted to do something to help that boy. So I called my good friend Sting. He said, "Krusty, when do you need me?" I said Thursday -- he said, "I'm busy Thursday" -- I said, "What about Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse than Thursday." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story.
+Yeah, I used to open for Krusty in uh, '69. In fact, he fired me as I recall.
+But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole, or something, and we've all got to do what we can.
+THERE'S A HOLE IN MY HEART / AS DEEP AS A WELL / FOR THAT POOR LITTLE BOY / WHO'S STUCK HALF-WAY TO HELL.
+THOUGH WE CAN'T GET HIM OUT / WE'LL DO THE NEXT BEST THING.
+Gas! Out of the hole!
+AND WE'RE SENDING OUR LOVE DOWN THE WELL!
+ALL THE WAY DOWN.
+WE'RE SENDING OUR LOVE DOWN THE WELL!
+DOWN THAT WELL!
+Krusty, what are your plans for the royalties?
+Well, we gotta pay for promotion, shipping, distribution... you know, those limos out back -- they aren't free... Whatever's left, we throw down the well.
+Authentic Timmy O'Toole baby teeth! Six dollars a bag!
+Step to the rear... plenty of room in the back.
+Drop that microphone! Drop it, boy!
+This is a special report from Channel Six news.
+Disturbing news from the old town well, where young Timmy O'Toole has apparently taken a turn for the worse.
+I... a, it's very simple, Kent. The child is reverting to a feral, or wolf-like, state. Here's an artist's conception.
+I was trying to gnaw my foot off, but I couldn't get through my sock. Goodnight everybody.
+Bart Simpson! The thought of a boy trapped in a well brought out the kindness and love of the entire community. When they find out you've been fooling them, they're gonna want to cut you up with rusty razors.
+Oh yeah? And how are they gonna find out?
+The police will catch you sooner or later.
+The police. They couldn't catch a cold.
+Maybe not, but I bet you're stupid enough to have left a "Property of Bart Simpson" label on that radio.
+And Cinderella had the most beautiful gown at the ball. With eight satin petticoats, each more delicate than the last. I think he's asleep.
+Want to get a cup of coffee?
+Okay. Brave little guy.
+Hey, I almost tripped over this thing.
+What did I do to deserve this?
+Help! Help! I fell down the well.
+Tell us something we don't know.
+No! My name is Bart Simpson!
+What are you doing down there?
+Look, I'll level with you. There is no Timmy O'Toole. It was just a prank I was playing on everybody.
+Well, you sure fooled us, kid.
+Hey, I got an idea for a prank. Let's go home and go to sleep. .
+Good one, Eddie.
+Great joke, guys. Ha ha. Ha. Guys?
+So I'm afraid your son is trapped down the well.
+You must think we're the worst parents in the world.
+Yeah, that's... pretty much the feeling down at the station.
+Don't worry, son. Just 'cause you're trapped in a hole doesn't mean you can't live a rich full life. I brought you your Krusty doll...
+Ow! Knock it off you bald boob!
+Hey, don't make me come down there!
+Like to see you fit.
+Why, you little --
+Put a man on him.
+I liked the other boy. So polite.
+What are you doing to save my baby boy?
+Uh well, ma'am, we've located a piece of machinery in Shreveport, Louisiana, that could pop him out lickety-split.
+Well, why don't you get it?
+Well, I'm afraid we've got a budget problem, Mrs. Simpson. Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. Had he done it at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo.
+You're telling me that the city won't pay to get a boy out of a well?
+Well, they would have for Timmy. People loved that little guy. But your son, well, he kinda played us all for a bunch of saps.
+Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.
+Back in the hole!
+So it seems we've all been the victims of a cruel hoax, perpetrated by a ten-year-old-hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing. And most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
+It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy, he was an accident.
+Uh, could you edit that last part out?
+Mr. Simpson, we're live coast-to-coast.
+One plus one plus three is five/ Little Bart Simpson's buried alive / He's so neat / He's so sweet / Now the rats have Bart to eat.
+Hey, stop that!
+Sorry, Lisa.
+How many days until Bart croaks. One, two, three, four...
+And our new number one hit, "I Do Believe We're Naked", by Funky C Funky Do, replaces "We're Sending Our Love Down The Well", which plunges all the way down to number ninety-seven.
+Ever since I've called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I 'Have taken a lot of heat. So, I am flip-flopping. I say, "Let him stay down there!"
+Yeah, Shutton here. Now that's a story!
+Bart? Honey, I made you an extra-warm sweater you can wear while you're down in the well.
+Mom, it's too big.
+Don't worry, you'll grow into it.
+You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do. Smoke a cigarette, use a fake I.D., shave a swear word in my hair...
+That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more. I'm gonna get you outta there myself.
+Now, why didn't I think of that?
+Agnes, we've got work to do.
+This is Kent Brockman with a special bulletin. The Lincoln Squirrel has been assassinated. We'll stay with the story all night if we have to.
+What's going on?
+It's an old fashioned hole diggin'. By gar, it's been a while.
+The canary!
+Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest.
+Not while one of my fans needs me.
+Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play one of your albums--
+Shh! Marge, he's a good digger.
+Mom! Dad!
+Oh Bart, I've missed you so much.
+Man, I was so scared.
+Don't worry son, they're gonna make sure no one ever falls down this well again.
+That should do it.
+Hey everybody, Bret Gunsilman here in pivotal week three of the NFL on Fox.
+Now stay tuned for six hours of exciting football action.
+Well, bye-bye belt.
+Homer, all those fatty, deep-fried, heavily salted snacks can't be good for your heart.
+Pfft, my heart is just fine.
+A little beer will put out that fire.
+And now with his picks for today's games, the man who's right fifty-two percent of the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo.
+Thank you, Bret. Our first game today -- Denver and New England -- is too close to call.
+But if you're one of those compulsive types who just has to bet -- well, I don't know... uh... Denver.
+Whoo hoo! Denver, yeah!
+Moe's Tavern. Where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.
+Moe, I'd like to bet twenty dollars on Denver.
+I think I can provide that service. Um, uh, Chief Wiggum, could you hand me that little black book?
+Oh, sure thing, Moe. I was just using it as a coaster.
+Twenty big ones on Denver.
+Pleasure doing business with you, H. S.
+All right, Denver. Justify my love.
+I don't know, the Dolphins.
+At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing.
+Look, Dad. I made a modest studio apartment for my Malibu Stacey doll. This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter...
+DAAAAAD! You're not listening to me.
+Lousy, stupid Denver.
+Oh, look at that, a shoe box house. Lisa, you're so clever.
+Why isn't Dad ever interested in anything I do?
+Well... do you ever take an interest in anything he does?
+No.... well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.
+Hmmm, well, if you want to get closer to him then maybe you should bridge the gap. I do it all the time. I pretend I'm interested in looking at power tools, going to those silly car chase movies, and... some things I'll tell you about when you're older. Do you understand?
+I think so.
+Whaaat?
+Ho, look at that score. Moxy!
+Why did you do that?
+Wouldn't it be fun if we watched the game together?
+Okay, just don't say anything and sit down over there.
+Over... over... over...
+Lisa, please, I can't hear the announcer.
+He said Denver just fumbled.
+See you in Hell, soldier boy!
+Yeah mom?
+I was thinking that while your father and Lisa watch the game, it might be fun if the two of us went clothes shopping.
+Mom, I'd love to. But to be honest, I don't need new clothes.
+Oh really?
+So even though I'd love to spend this sunny afternoon trying on clothes. It's not...
+Well folks, when you're right fifty-two percent of the time, you're wrong forty-eight percent of the time.
+Why didn't you say that before!
+Okay, Jimmy, you're off the hook. We've got Miami Cincinnati coming up. Any thoughts?
+I certainly do, Brett. I hereby declare Miami to be Smooth Jimmy's "Lock of the Week."
+Oooh, that's a big lock all right. I just don't trust that guy.
+In the Cincinnati - Miami game, I declare Cincinnati to be my "Shoe-in of the Week".
+Huh, they both make a good case.
+After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye, the Gambletron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by two hundred points?! Why you worthless hunk of junk!
+You want some of this don't ya?
+Well you need to know the winners. And I know the winners. So call me now!
+Whoa! Five dollars for the first minute. Two dollars for each additional minute.
+You have reached the Coach's hot...
+Line...
+Yeah, lay it on me, coach.
+In the game of Mi-a-mi...
+...versus Cin-
+Cincinnati...
+Cincinnati.
+Cincinnati.
+C'mon, c'mon! Don't you realize this is costing me money?
+We must consider many things. The wind...
+Doh, not the wind.
+...is blowing out of the west...
+at five
+... miles per hour.
+knots...
+Ugh, this is ridiculous. What am I supposed to do? Lisa, who do you think's gonna win? The Bengals or the Dolphins?
+Good, good. Moe, fifty dollars on the Miami Dolphins.
+Gotcha, fifty beans on Miami. Um, Homer, I got a call on the other line. Hello?
+Moe, it's me Mr. "K."
+Yeah, yeah, what'll it be?
+Put me down for seven hundred dollars on the Rams.
+Oh, and put Sideshow Mel down for two grand.
+Mom, I'm tired. I wanna go home. Can't I just lie down for a minute?
+Now Bart, I think you'd look very sharp in this shirt.
+Fine, get it. Lets go.
+No, no, no, you have to try it on.
+Oooh, and this one's fifty percent off.
+You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the people who wear them get beaten up.
+Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend. Ooh this looks good.... oh and this one is very, very cute... And these... Oh look! Little bow ties.
+And don't make that face at me.
+How'd ya know?
+Touchdown Dolphins!
+All right, Dolphins!
+All right, Dolphins!
+Whoo-hoo!
+Whoo-hoo!
+Fifty big ones!
+Fifty big ones?
+Uh-oh. You see, Lisa, Daddy's friend Moe promised to give him fifty dollars if the Dolphins won the game.
+You mean you made a bet?
+Well, I wouldn't call it a bet. It's a little thing Daddies do to make football more exciting.
+What could be more exciting than the savage ballet that is pro football?
+Well... you know... you like ice cream, don't you?
+Uh-huh.
+See how good things can happen if you make a little effort?
+And don't you like ice cream better when it's covered with hot fudge and mounds of whipped cream and chopped nuts and -- oh -- those crumbled up cookie things they mash up... hmmm. Crumbled up cookie things...
+So gambling makes a good thing even better.
+That's right. My God, it's like there's some kind of bond between us.
+We've got a trouble maker in booth eight.
+Forget him. There's a code red in booth three.
+My God. Those aren't the socks she came in with.
+Un-unn. Let's move.
+In here, Mom. But don't open the--
+Oh Bart, you could use some new underwear too.
+...three, two, one...
+And the final from Riverfront Stadium, Miami 24 -- Cincinnati 10.
+Boy, mom sure will be happy you won fifty dollars.
+You'd think that wouldn't you. But you see Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
+Really, where?
+Uh... somewhere in the back. The point is we had a great time today. And to keep it that way, let's not tell your mother about our little wager. Okay?
+Okay, dad.
+Did you two have fun?
+You bet.
+Well, we had fun too. Right now, Bart is modeling his new clothes for his friends.
+You gotta come out sometime, Simpson.
+Goodnight, Dad. I had a really nice time today.
+Me too, honey.
+Can I watch football with you again next Sunday?
+Sure! You'll find it gets rid of the unpleasant after-taste of church.
+Point well taken. Uh, mom, could you loosen my blanket a little? Dad tucked me in too tight and it's cutting off the circulation in my arms and legs.
+This team is fired up! We came here to play!
+All right!
+He'll lose.
+What? Didn't you hear what he said?
+Look at the fear in his eyes. Listen to the quiver in his voice. He's a little boy, lost in a game of men.
+You think we should bet against them?
+I'd bet my entire college fund on it.
+You got it.
+Moe, twenty-three dollars on New York.
+Start spreadin' the news, it's New York over Philadelphia, thirty-five to ten.
+Dad, I hate to break the mood, but I'm getting nauseous.
+Oh, sorry. So who do you like in the afternoon games?
+Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart -- Seattle because they got something to prove -- and the Raiders because they always cheat.
+And in an extremely suspicious play, the Raiders win.
+Hey, the new sign is really working.
+It's been a madhouse, Lisa.
+Let's see... football... Football: homo-eroticism in... oddball Canadian rules... Phyllis George and...
+Oh Doctor, what a finish! The final score -- Atlanta seventeen -- Houston thirteen. And the lowly Falcons are flyin' high. Who would have thunk it?
+My daughter, that's who!
+Yeah, me!
+Lisa, you've picked the winner every time! You must have some kind of special gift.
+C'mon, dad. It doesn't take a genius to realize that Houston's failed to cover their last ten outings on away turf, the week after scoring more than three touchdowns in a conference game.
+Oh, my little girl says the cutest things.
+You know, dad, Sunday is fast becoming my favorite day of the week.
+Not Sunday -- Daddy-Daughter day.
+The usual, Moe. A beer and a wad of bills.
+Okay, ya lucky moron.
+Here you go, Homer. A hundred and thirty-five dollars.
+I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. Now it's the smell of victory.
+Aw, shut up.
+Look at these prices. We could finally get rid of those termites for the cost of this meal.
+Tut-tut. Only the best for my family.
+Homer, I can't help wondering where you're getting the money from?
+Mom, can't a man do something nice for his loved ones?
+Hmm, I guess so.
+Hello, I'm Marco. I'll be your waiter.
+Hello, I'm Homer. I'll be your customer.
+Never heard that one before. Uh, would you care to select the wine?
+I'll do the honors.
+No. No. No. No. My God, what passes for a wine list these days. Marco, just bring us your freshest bottle of wine. Chop. Chop.
+Charming lad.
+Oh, violin guy!
+What's your favorite song, Lisa?
+The Broken Neck Blues.
+Play on.
+It is the play-offs, it's five below and there's one loyal fan wearing nothing but a g-string and the team colors painted on his body.
+He doesn't look too happy.
+Well, maybe the paint has shut off his pores and he's slowly suffocating. Still, that is a real fan.
+Well, Lisa, it's Daddy-Daughter day and Daddy needs daughter's picks.
+You promised you wouldn't get mad!
+Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my five-star silver bullet special. And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus five at Chicago.
+Good, good... You call Moe.
+Moe, this is L.S. calling for H.S.
+Just give me the bet, Lisa.
+Hundred and ten, a hundred and twenty... You lucky son-of-a...
+Hey Homer, you wanna go bowling next Sunday?
+Barney, are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl. How about the Sunday after that?
+Well, my ma's coming in from Norway, but... uh what the hell.
+And when the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore -- that was the happiest day of my life.
+Thank you, Ralph. Very graphic. Lisa Simpson? Would you like to read your essay?
+The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my daddy's knee when the Saints, who were four and a half point favorites, but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second, to cover the spread.
+Dear God!
+Oh dad, you must've bought me every Malibu Stacey accessory there is.
+Not quite. They were out of the Malibu Stacie Lunar Rovers.
+Ooh, perfume. Meryl Streep's "Versatility."
+Boy, I know you're gonna like your present.
+Shut up. Shut up. Kiss my butt. Shut up. Go to Hell. Go to Hell.
+Dad, I promise you I will never get tired of this.
+Homer, those are very thoughtful presents. But you have to tell me where you got the money from.
+All right, Marge. I'll tell you, but first you have to promise you will not get mad.
+I promise I will get mad, because I always do when you make me promise I won't.
+All right. If you must know, Lisa and I have been gambling on pro football.
+I did not! I promised I would get mad! She's an eight-year-old girl.
+But Marge, she never loses. She's got a gift. Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids whenever they show talent?
+But gambling is illegal.
+Only in forty-eight states. Besides, it's a victimless crime. The only victim is Moe, heh, heh, heh. And it's brought Lisa and me together.
+Well, I just don't know.
+Look, what's the problem? The kids are happy, you smell like Meryl Streep, and I've got that foot massager I've always wanted.
+Believe me, Marge, nothing bad could possibly come of this.
+You know, dad, we've been watching a lot of TV lately. Maybe, the Sunday after the Super Bowl, we could hike up to the top of Mount Springfield. The fires in the tire yard really make for some beautiful sunsets.
+Well, that sounds great honey, but next Sunday I'm going bowling with Barney.
+What about Daddy-Daughter day?
+Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.
+So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all.
+You're a very selfish man.
+Go to hell! Go to hell!
+Hey, once again. Great present, Dad.
+My third husband bought me this.
+Give me some chips for it.
+Are you sure, ma'am?
+Don't tell me what to do, Sonny. I've been gambling since I was eight. And I've been hockin' jewelry since I was twelve. Now give me some chips!
+Look around you, Malibu Stacey. All this was bought with dirty money. Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen injection clinic.
+You're going back into the shoe-box. It may not be pretty, but dammit, it's honest.
+I, Lisa Simpson, am hereby giving away all my ill-gotten Malibu Stacey accessories!
+Look Lisa, I bought you a Malibu Stacey Chinchilla coat.
+So you've come to buy my forgiveness. Sorry, Homer.
+Look Lisa, honey, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. But I really had a good time watching football with you. And I think you had a good time with me.
+Yeah, I did.
+Well, c'mon, we can still watch the Super Bowl together. Can't we? Eh? Huh?
+Well, I would like to see what all the fuss is about.
+It's a date! So... do you think the Cowboys will beat the spread?
+Put me down.
+Look dad, I'll tell you who's gonna win the Super Bowl if you want me to. But it'll just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me.
+I think Dallas is a mortal lock.
+Dallas! Whoo-hoo!
+However...
+However? What however? What do you mean, however? However what?
+However, I may be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose. In which case, I'd bet the farm on Buffalo.
+Lisa, do me a favor. Complete this sentence: "Daddy should bet all his money on..."
+I don't know.
+If I still love you, Dallas. If I don't, Buffalo.
+Homer, I think that chip's got enough dip on it.
+We're live from Miami Florida home of Super Bowl Twenty-nine. Today we're gonna be seen by people in over one hundred fifty countries all over the world. Including our latest stolen affiliates overseas.
+Stupide.
+Whaa! I'm sorry Mrs. Wellenmelon.
+Formidable!
+Oh, this sucks. C'mon snipers. Where are you?
+Oh, every note is like a dagger in my heart. I gotta get outta here.
+Moe's Tavern, Home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular.
+Oh! Baloney. Bread!
+Gotcha ya down for forty bucks. Good luck Your Eminence.
+Sorry, Homer, you can't take any more of my money. I'm, uh, outta the bookie business.
+But Moe, you've been taking bets all...
+Hey Barney, how 'bout a free beer?
+Don't worry, Moe. I'm not bettin'.
+What? Gimme that.
+I had the greatest gift of all, a little girl who could pick football and I ruined it.
+Well sir, we're two hours and forty-five minutes into the pre-game show and we've got ourselves a special guest. Actor Troy McClure, whose new sitcom is premiering tonight -- coincidentally enough, right after the game!
+Thanks, Bret. My new show's called "Handle with Care". I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. We're the original odd couple!
+What made you want to do a situation comedy?
+Well, I fell in love with the script, Bret, and my recent trouble with the IRS sealed the deal.
+Could be another Drexel's Class. Ooh, looks like we're almost ready for the kickoff.
+Dallas kicks -- oh, it's a bad kick, way too short. Buffalo's going to start with excellent field position.
+Buffalo's gonna win. Lisa hates me!
+Whatcha got riding on this game?
+My daughter.
+What a gambler.
+That was the score at the half. Buffalo fourteen: Dallas seven.
+It's time for the never tedious Super Bowl halftime show.
+People of Earth, we've come ten billion light years to bring you this halftime message of peace.
+Bart, who's winning?
+"You hate dad" is up by a touchdown.
+Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yea!!
+It's a touchdown for half-back Dan Beer-dorf! Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl!
+They wanted it more.
+Hey Homer, didn't you say if Duff Dry wins, your daughter loves you?
+Not Duff Dry... Dallas.
+Okay, okay. They're both great teams.
+Touchdown Cowboys!
+All right, we're back in business.
+Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game.
+Oh my God, I forgot the game!
+So, with three ticks left on the clock, it all comes down to this one play. If Dallas scores here, happy fans'll be looting and turning over cars in the Lone Star state tonight. Here's the handoff.
+Please, please, please...
+Touchdown! Stick a fork in this one. It is done. The Dallas Cowboys wins Super Bowl twenty-nine.
+I guess you love dad.
+I suspected as much.
+Yes! She loves me! She loves me!
+What are you so happy about Homer? You didn't win any money.
+Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on for eight more years!
+Come on, Dad!
+It's beautiful.
+Isn't it though?
+After I catch my breath... can we... go... home?
+I am not cleaning that... Ah, who am I kidding?
+That's it?
+Now Maggie, when you grow up you can suck your pacifier all you want.
+Extra mustard for Bart, sliced diagonally not lengthwise... Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust... Double bologna for Homer....
+Marge, I split my pants again. Oooh, can I have two sandwiches today? Make them bologna sandwiches too. Can I have two slices of bologna and cheese...
+One at a time! One at a time!
+Don't even bother with the raisins. I'm not gonna eat 'em... Double bologna! Double bologna!... I don't ask for much, just no pimento. Don't forget to make it double bologna 'cause I can hardly...
+That's enough!
+There you go, Lisa. No pimentos. Bart, your hat's where you left it, behind the toilet. Homer, I'll sew your pants but I'm out of bologna.
+Thanks mom.
+Thanks mom.
+Videos to return, grocery list, flea dip for the cat, Homer's dry-cleaning -- I think that's everything.
+Marge, can you take my ball to Nick's today? A bottle cap got lodged in the finger hole.
+Homer, I'm running late as it is. Can't you just use one of the balls at the alley?
+Alley balls?
+Alright, don't whine. Just put it in my left hand.
+Kids! Hurry up or you're going to miss your bus!
+No way.
+Never happen.
+Well, I'll be damned.
+Mom, Bart's making faces at me.
+It's a nervous twitch and I'm a little sensitive about it if you don't mind.
+Mom, he's doing it again. Bart, quit it! Quit it! Hey quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mommmmm!!
+Get out.
+Fruit leather... Tree Fresh Imitation Orange Drink... Krusty brand duck sausage pizza...
+Sorry lady, you've got the wrong Nick's. You want Nick's on the other side of town.
+Eh, I don't know what Nicky's telling you. I haven't flushed a ball in years.
+Oh, this miserable stress headache. Feels like there's a rat in my brain.
+It's time for another Bill and Marty Classic Crank Call.
+Hello, is this Mr. Justin Sherman?
+Sir, your wife is dead.
+Oh God! No!
+That's right. She just walked through a plate glass window. There's blood everywhere.
+And I just talked to her!
+Bart's making faces.
+Where's my lucky red cap?
+Alley balls...
+Your wife is dead.
+I haven't flushed a ball in years.
+NOOOOOOOO!!
+Look, lady, this better be good.
+This is Arnie Pie with "Arnie in the Sky". We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic goin' wa-ay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of fourteenth and Elm 'cause I just dropped my bagel.
+She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
+Did you flash your lights?
+Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
+All right! A chance to catch some rays.
+C'mon, c'mon, I got a body in the trunk!
+Mr. Teeny, stop fiddling with the buttons! Oh, now you've gotten chocolate all over everything.
+This is Kent Brockman, reporting live from Arnie Pie's traffic copter. But I can assure you, this is no mere morning traffic report.
+Face the facts, Arnie. An overworked and under-appreciated housewife has snapped and parked her car on the bridge refusing to budge. This reporter is now going to be lowered down in the Channel Six Sky Harness for an exclusive interview.
+Hey sweetheart, what's the matter?! Not gettin' enough of the good stuff at home?
+Let me through! Let me through! I'm her husband!
+Well, that explains a lot.
+Try to talk her out of there.
+But don't put your lips on it or anything.
+Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello?
+Homer? Is that you?
+What should I say?
+How about, "Yes, it's me".
+Yes it's me!
+Tell her you love her.
+I love you very much.
+And uh... later tonight I think you and I should uh, snuggle.
+Haw haw!
+Why don't you just wrap it up?
+Look Marge, I can tell something's bothering you. But if you come out of that car, I promise to do whatever it takes to make it better. Please, honey?
+Cuff her boys.
+Off the record, ma'am, all the gals on the force knew just how you felt.
+That's nice. Do you think you could loosen my cuffs?
+Don't you worry, Mr. Mayor, this little bird will be crackin' rocks by the end of the week.
+Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go!
+But she broke the law.
+Thanks for the civics lesson. Now listen to me. If Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote goodbye. And if I go down, you're gonna break my fall!
+Word to the wise, Quimby. Don't write checks your butt can't cash.
+Hear me loud and clear, Wiggum. You bite me, I'll bite back.
+You talk the talk, Quimby. But do you walk the walk?
+I hereby declare today to be "Marge Simpson Day" in the city of Springfield.
+They're like trained seals. Toss 'em a fish and watch 'em slap their fins together.
+Well, all's well that ends well. Goodnight, Marge.
+Many years ago, the Spanish explorers discovered a little piece of heaven nestled in the Springfield Mountains. They called it "Rancho Relaxo," and so do we. Today it's Springfield's only two-star health spa.
+Swim, play tennis or just sit and stare at the walls. At Rancho Relaxo, you're the boss.
+Remember, you can't spell "Relaxo" without "relax".
+Whaa...
+I need a vacation.
+What? But Marge, we just had a vacation. Remember Mystic Caverns?
+I need to unwind.
+I know you do, Marge. But come on, you know what our vacations are like. Those three monsters in the back seat. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And let's face it, I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"
+No. I mean a vacation by myself.
+What? You mean we're getting a divorce? Marge, I can change!
+No Homie, no. I still love you. A lot of couples take separate vacations.
+Well, okay. But you have to swear you're comin' back.
+I swear.
+All right then.
+Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away.
+Don't worry yourself.
+Uh-huh. We've got six months of maternity leave we're never gonna use anyway.
+Homer, can you bring Maggie out?
+Wish I'd thought of that.
+She's startin' to give.
+Homer! If Maggie really doesn't want to leave the house maybe she should just stay with you.
+Are you sure that's wise?
+Uh-huh. He'll probably trade her for a beer and a nudie magazine.
+For your information, I can take care of my --
+See? Got her on the first bounce.
+All aboard for Shelbyville, Badwater, Cattle Skull Testing Grounds and Rancho Relaxo.
+Goodbye, Homie.
+Good bye? Where's my clean underwear?
+Check the dryer!
+How often should I change Maggie?
+Whenever she needs it.
+Marge, Marge, how do I use the pressure cooker?
+This is Coma -- WKOMA. Restful, easy listening. Coming up next, a super set of songs about clouds.
+Hello Maggie.
+Sorry, honey, mommy went crazy...And went far, far away...
+So, it's going to be just you and me for awhile. Just you and me.
+Kids, you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches. You need something to drink?
+We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb and soy milk.
+That's alright. I think I'll just hit the hay.
+It's 12:30 in the afternoon.
+I'm aware of the time.
+Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
+In your bed?
+Uh huh. And I should warn you, I'm told I snore.
+Move, Divorce Court's on in fifteen minutes.
+I'm scared, Lisa.
+You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked.
+Oh, hello! And welcome to Rancho Relaxo!
+I'm Troy Mc Clure. You might remember me from such films as "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die," and "Gladys, The Groovy Mule." But today you'll see me in my greatest role -- your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo!
+Our tour starts in your very own room, where Relaxo Vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits. And after midnight, the finest "R" rated movies Europe has to offer. Ooh-la-la! Today's selections are...
+"Thelma and Louise," "The Happy Little Elves Meet Fuzzy Snuggleduck," and "The Erotic Awakening of S".
+Chef Rodrigo, what are you up to?
+Well, taste for yourself, Troy.
+Mmm-mmm-mmm! That can't be good for me -- it tastes too good!
+That's where you're wrong, Troy. This whole pot is only fourteen calories.
+Ahh... Ahh... Gregory, where have you been all my life?
+Feeling tense?
+Uh-huh.
+Then just push nine on your phone. Then the pound sign. Then four-eight-three. We'll do the rest.
+C'mon, Maggie. Nummy, nummy num.
+Mmm. Strained peas.
+Let go!
+Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.
+Hi Homie. I feel much better.
+Hi Barney. Thanks for keeping me company.
+No problem. Well, well, if it isn't little Bart. Remember your Uncle Barney? Hey Homer, let me hold him.
+All right, but just be careful.
+Whoa... someone smells stinky. Oh, it's me.
+Bart you really shouldn't be looking through other people's things. Find anything good?
+I've said it before and I'll say it again... Aye carumba!
+Hey, Lis -- Bang! Bang!
+Ah, Bart! That's a black-head gun!
+Best MacGyver ever.
+Mm-hmm. Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight.
+GO TO SLEEP AND GOODNIGHT/ DA DA DA / DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA/ DEE DEE DEE / DEE DEE / May your Christmas day be nice. Goodnight, my little pork chop.
+Oh Maggie, time for your nine a.m. feeding.
+Heh, heh, heh.
+Maggie?
+Maggie?
+Maggie?
+Maggie?
+Maggieeee!!!!
+Oh man, you want a bad night, try sleeping on one of these.
+Barney, I've lost the baby. It's the worst thing I've ever done.
+Don't worry, don't worry. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make you an omlette.
+Just help me look!
+Are you sure? I make 'em with two kinds of cheese.
+Hey, Homer. I think I've got her.
+Come on!
+Barney! You're gonna pull her arm off.
+The sooner I get her out, the sooner we can have omlettes.
+So, what's the verdict?
+Oh, dear God! I can't even put a bag over my head!
+Yes, you can.
+Hello... I'd like the department of missing babies.
+Please hold.
+"Bungee jumping, kayaking, calligraphy, cigar making, hula dancing... hmm... I guess I've done everything.
+By now you've seen what Rancho Relaxo has to offer.
+Uh-huh.
+But remember, we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us.
+As I said to Dolores Montenegro in "Calling All Quakers": "Have it your way, baby."
+Hello, room service? This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a hot fudge sundae. With whipped cream. And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila.
+Let's get outta here, Thelma.
+Okay Louise.
+What do you want?
+I came to see the kids.
+Wait here. And don't steal any light bulbs.
+Hey kids... uh... you haven't seen Maggie around anyplace have you?
+Well, I gotta go.
+C'mon kids, it's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.
+Hello Guv'nor. Lube job while you wait?
+Don't touch me.
+Y'ello.
+Listen, Marge, uh, how would you feel if I told you the dog ran away?
+Homer, that's awful!
+Oh. Well, I've got good news for you. The dog didn't run away.
+Well, good. I'm coming home, honey. You can pick me up at the train station in an hour. And bring the kids. Bye!
+Please, don't jump. I know you're going through some tough times, but you have your whole life ahead of you!
+Now, Marge. Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her. No. Marge, isn't life funny? One day they're babies, the next thing you know, they're off on their own. Oh.
+You the man who reported the lost baby?
+Can you describe her?
+Uh... she's small... she's a girl...
+Oh Maggie!
+Not so fast! You're wanted on three counts of criminal neglect.
+You found my baby. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
+Ah, shucks. Just don't do it again, you big lug.
+You're not going anywhere.
+Hi, did you miss me?
+Never leave again... never leave again... never leave again.
+I missed you too.
+And from now on I hope you'll help me out a little more than you're used to.
+You got it, sweetheart. You have enough blanket there?
+Well, I could use a little more. And sometimes I want a little time to myself, and I expect you to help --
+Now, boys and girls, let's welcome our special guest, Ted Carpenter from the Twirl King yo-yo company.
+Mom, I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about. Now let's just try and get a little shut eye, okay?
+Hey, what gives?
+You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy. Well, now your car has no battery.
+But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by six. I'd better give her a call.
+Sorry Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.
+Dear God, what have I done?
+Think again, Jimmy. You see, the firing pin in your gun was made of -- yup, zinc.
+Come back zinc! Come back...
+Come back... zinc. Come back... zinc. Zinc! Zinc! What? Oh, it was all a dream. Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones... car batteries... hand guns...
+And many things made of zinc.
+Gross, he's picking his nose!
+If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay...
+We can talk about anything... I'll do your homework for ya...
+Ah, "Chef Lonely Hearts' Soup For One."
+One scratch and win, Apu.
+Mrs. Krabappel, I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices. Still teaching?
+Let's see.
+One more day at least.
+Bingo! Bango! Sugar in the gas tank. Your ex-husband strikes again.
+Hmp. Hmp. "A personal Ad?" Why not? It might be fun, kind of a lark.
+C'mon, c'mon. Answer the phone. I need a man!
+Ow! My eyeball!
+People... people... Allllll right. You know I can wait just as long as you. Knock it off!
+Kids, this is a yo-yo. Kinda dull, huh? Not much competition for a video game. Or is it?
+Presenting, the Twirl King Champions!
+Mister Amazing!
+Sparkle!
+She's beautiful!
+Zero Gravity!
+The Cobra!
+Those guys must be millionaires!
+I bet they get all kinds of girls!
+I question the educational value of this assembly.
+Hey, it'll be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumpin' gas for a living.
+THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS! AGE OF AQUARIUS! AQUARIUS! AQUARIUS!
+Now, for our next stunt, what do you say we get your Principal up here!
+No. Mmm... careful now...ooh... gee that one grazed my ear...
+Don't move. You could really get hurt.
+How much do those yo-yos cost?
+I don't care!
+Good-bye! Bye! Bye!
+Wow, thanks Sparkle. Wait, this isn't you.
+That's the old Sparkle.
+All right! Get your worthless butts in the van! We've got three more schools to do. Come on lets go go go.
+That's your trick?
+No. Here's my trick!
+Thank you. Thank you.
+Marge. Come here.
+Can you believe it? Pretty soon I'll be able to quit my job and live off the boy.
+What? Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks.
+After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water... Yes Nelson?
+Did they have any yo-yos?
+No, they did not have yo-yos. When they landed at Plymouth rock they were greeted by the friendly Wampanoag Indians....
+Did the Indians have yo-yos?
+No, they did not have yo-yos. That's it. I am sick and tired of talking about yo-yos. From now on I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yos or yo-yo related topics. Am I making myself clear?
+Hey Bart, got any new tricks for us today?
+Just one. A little something I call Plucking the Pickle.
+I build up a little steam, and...
+I didn't do it.
+Don't worry about your wee fish, Lass. They're going to a better place.
+Bart, that's one month's detention.
+Mrs. Krabappel, we're all upset by the untimely deaths of Stinky and Wrinkles. But life goes on. So, if I could just have my yo-yo back...
+Bart, if I were you, and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo?
+Here you go... Just kidding. Here you go... Just kidding.
+Well, would you?
+Absolutely.
+What's eatin' you, woman? Your personal ad said you wanted a man. Well, you got yourself a humdinger.
+I don't know. I guess I expected something different from your photo.
+Don't let my age fool you. Just cause there's a little snow on the roof... I forget how the rest of that goes.
+Is it that girl with the lazy eye patch?
+One months detention... She'll pay for this. Yup, there's your problem... someone jammed a Malibu Stacy head down here.
+Edna, happy hour in the Teacher's Lounge.
+Just a sec.
+Huh. One plus one equals two? Recently divorced fourth-grade teacher wishes to meet man age 18-60. Object: save me. Write Edna K, Box 402.
+Dear Edna, I've never answered a personal ad before, but I found yours irresistible. My name is...
+...Woodrow. I like holding hands and dinner by candle light. And oh, yes, I really hate yo-yos.
+Oh, Woodrow.
+Maybe we should let the dog in?
+Marge, dogs love the outdoors.
+I think he needs a dog house.
+Yeah, but what're ya gonna do?
+I'll bet we could buy a nice doghouse for fifty dollars.
+Marge, you're a tool of the dog house makers.
+I am not!
+Yes you are. You've been brainwashed by all those dog house commercials on TV. I know, I'll build him a dog house.
+Oh, I don't know...
+Don't worry. I just drew up a little blueprint. Now let me walk you through it.
+This is the door. He goes through that. This is the roof. And this happy character here is the sun. He shines down on the house, see.
+How was detention today, dear?
+Oh, not bad. I'm starting to get the hang of the floor waxer.
+"Dear Woodrow, I must admit I'm intrigued. You're not like the other men I've met."
+Yeah. I'm the 28th President of the United States.
+Mmm! Could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about?
+Oh, please.
+"But I've had some bad experiences with these ads. So, I'd like to learn more about you. Please write back soon. Here's a photo that'll get your pencil moving."
+You've got a date with a xerox machine.
+Stupid lumber...
+Dammit! Son of a --
+The hell with this!
+Fella came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar. Well sir, I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole afternoon to track him down.
+Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
+Hell no!
+What did you say?
+I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
+All right, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight.
+Weren't you a little hard on him?
+Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
+Ned Flanders is on the phone.
+If this is about that stupid quarter again -- Hello, Ned.
+Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. Our son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his "damn vegetables."
+Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?
+No Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word.
+Oh, oh right, yeah. Kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... uh, direct them to the Bible.
+Where in the Bible?
+Uh... page nine-hundred.
+But Reverend...
+Damn Flanders.
+Hey, Lis, a moment of your time.
+Suppose I was writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my A material. What should I say?
+Is it Terri?
+Is it that exchange student Mx!pa?
+No! It's not for me. It's homework.
+Sure it is. Hey Bart, let's do some homework.
+Golly, Sergeant Carter, I can't fix your jeep. But maybe this will make it up to you. Galveston, oh Galveston...
+Is this all he watches?
+Oh, he used to watch "Davy and Goliath," but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.
+Hey Mom, did you save the love letters Dad sent you?
+Of course I saved them.
+Although actually there's only one. And it's more of a love postcard, from some brewery he visited.
+"Maybe it's the beer talking, Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got those big chewy pretzels here... ... five dollars? Get outta here."
+Wow, a side of dad I've never seen.
+Penny for your thoughts, Mrs. K.
+I was just thinking... oh, you wouldn't be interested.
+Try me. Sometimes it helps to talk.
+Well, I was just wishing I could meet a man who... likes the way I look first thing in the morning... laughs at my jokes...
+Uh-huh.
+...can fix my car...
+Oh yeah.
+Dear Edna: Your photo took my breath away.
+"Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit. Yesterday morning, I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs..."
+At last we've built the mission.
+Finally, the villagers have a place to pray.
+Bringing in the Sheaves.
+Bringing in the Sheaves.
+"We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the Sheaves."
+He's not getting it from his brother, that's for darn sure.
+Damn, crappy nails! Super glue my butt!
+What is it, Flanders?
+I'm afraid I have a bone to pick with you.
+Look, if this is about your camcorder -- I lost it, okay?
+No, I-I came to talk to you about your potty-mouth.
+What the hell are you talking about?
+Look Homer, all of us pull a few boners now and then... go off half-cocked and make asses of ourselves. So, I don't want to be hard on you... but I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys.
+Oh come on now, Flanders, I don't complain about your your... moustache.
+What's wrong with my moustache?
+Makes you look like you've got something to hide.
+People are talking... lots of people.
+Okay, mister, you've got yourself a deal. I'll shave off the soup strainer, if you give the sailor talk the old heave-ho, okay?
+Aye-aye! Admiral Butthead.
+We now return to "Two for Tunsia" on Colorization Theater.
+Ah, my love... A million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty.
+Ohhh, slow down, Frenchy! This stuff is gold.
+Wow, "a million poets working for a million years"... You're so lucky. When are you gonna meet him?
+First, I asked him to send a photo.
+Uh... huh.
+If he's got everything where it should be, I'm reelin' him in.
+Strap on your skates Gordie, you're going in.
+Hey Marge, do you want to hear something funny? Flanders thinks I swear too much. Marge, you're not laughing.
+Well, you know, maybe he's right.
+Well what a surprise. Marge sticks up for Flanders! Can we have one conversation where you don't bring up your hero, Ned Flanders?
+Actually, Homer, you brought up Ned Flanders. I never said a word --
+Look, we're past that. Marge, maybe I do curse a little, but that's the way God made me. And I'm too old to stop now.
+No, you're not. When my father got out of the Navy, he used to curse a blue streak. It almost cost him his job as a baby photographer. So, my mom put a Swear Jar in the kitchen. Every time he said a bad word, he put in a quarter. What do you think?
+Well Marge, self-improvement has always been a passion of mine. Bring on the swear jar.
+Do I have to pay if I hit my hand with the hammer?
+Yes, Homer.
+What if I catch on fire?
+No, Homer.
+What if I see something really weird in the sky?
+Yes, Homer.
+What about when we snuggle?
+Uh... that's okay.
+"Dear Woodrow, it's time for us to meet. Why don't we go out to dinner and afterward we can go to my apartment for some home cookin'."
+Huh? Aye carumba!
+...Hungrily yours, Edna."
+Well, she's dangled on the line long enough. It's time to boat this bass.
+When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here watching me...
+Bart! Eyes down.
+Yes, ma'am.
+"Edna, every second until we meet stabs me like a thousand needles..."
+"Join me at the Gilded Truffle this Saturday at eight. Perhaps later we will smooch up a storm. Sexily yours, Woody."
+I can't help but feel partly responsible.
+Homer, that was a twenty.
+Ohh, you son-of-a.
+Hey Homer, Ya know, I owe you one, buddy. No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie duster, than a lady cast me in a commercial.
+Ah, I tell ya the way these checks keep coming in, it's almost criminal.
+You dirty bas...
+What do ya think, Lisa?
+How's the dog supposed to get in?
+Well, he just goes... Ohhh
+Oh, Woodrow. How could you stand me up?
+Mrs. K, whoever this guy is, you don't need him. There are plenty of good men around.
+Name one.
+What's wrong with Principal Skinner?
+Seymour? Huh, let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play.
+What about Coach Fortner?
+Glug, glug, glug, glug...
+Wow! What about Groundskeeper Willie?
+I'm not even gonna tell you what that guy's into. Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm gonna cry.
+Oh fudge, that's broken.
+Fiddle dee dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear, but I am going to kick this doghouse down.
+Dad, this is not a commentary on your skills, but we bought you a new doghouse.
+Where'd you get the money?
+There was more than enough in the swear jar. And if you look inside the doghouse, there's a little surprise.
+Maggie. Oh. Cute.
+No, behind her.
+Beer! How did you know?
+Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie?
+There's Maggie!
+Mom, this is a little ahead of schedule, but I need help with my love life.
+Oh, my special little guy has a sweetheart.
+I knew it. All right, Bart, who's your girlfriend?
+Mrs. Krabappel.
+Bart, this is your teacher? I should start going to parents night.
+Homer! Bart, you did a very cruel thing.
+Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth.
+No, Homer. The truth would humiliate her.
+Oh, Marge. I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
+Maybe we should write her another letter. One that says good-bye but lets her feel loved.
+Step aside everyone. Sensitive love letters are my specialty.
+"Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpville. Population: you."
+We'll all help.
+"Though I'll be inoculating babies in Kampuchea, my heart will always be with you."
+That sucks. How 'bout, "Crocodiles bit off my face."
+That's disgusting. And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face.
+I may hold you to that, Marge.
+"Okay, okay... I cannot see you for the next five years, for I will be farming the ocean floor."
+"I must finish this letter quickly, for I have only four minutes to live."
+Three simple words. I am gay.
+Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in.
+"And any time I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name... Edna!"
+Oh, that's very good, Lisa.
+P.S. -- I am gay.
+How shall we end it?
+How about, "With a love that will echo through the ages?"
+Oh, that's sweet.
+Ohhh, Homer, you old honey dripper.
+Why you little...
+Wait! Wait!
+"Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why I cannot say. Where? You cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name... Edna."
+Bart, it's such a nice day today. Let's have detention outside.
+It's a date.
+Mmm, do - nuts.
+Hey Homer, slow down. You're gonna choke or somethin'.
+Don't tell me how to eat donuts --
+Hey, Homer's choking again.
+Hmm. Isn't there a first aid chart around here somewhere?
+Somebody scare him.
+That's for hiccups.
+Hey, look at this.
+Softball starts this week.
+Softball?
+Who's next?
+What's the matter with you guys?
+Homer, last year we were two and twenty-eight.
+Look, I know it wasn't our best season.
+Actually, it was.
+Well, this year's gonna be different.
+Oh yeah. What makes you so damn sure?
+I have a secret weapon.
+Hey, he's been holding' out on us.
+A secret weapon? I wonder what it could be.
+Come here boy, I want to show you something.
+What's that? A home-made bat?
+It's something very special. A home-made bat. It all started last year, during a terrible thunderstorm, when I locked myself out of the house...
+Sheltering myself with a large piece of sheet metal, I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find.
+Something told me this was a very special, very magical, piece of wood that I could make a bat out of.
+I put my homemade football on hold and set to work making the world's greatest bat.
+Homie, come to bed.
+Homer, go back to the garage.
+And here it is.
+Wow! How many home runs you gonna hit with that?
+Let's see... we play thirty games... ten at bats a game... three thousand.
+Hit one here, Charlie.
+Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
+Hey, we know how to play softball.
+Play ball!
+Attention all units! Attention all units! Armored car being robbed at...
+Turn off that damn radio!
+And the next man wants to hit the ball too. And he does. And there he goes off in that direction. And everyone is happy.
+Uh, Mom, why don't you let me call the game.
+That's all right dear. I can do it.
+Hey, stop that!
+Okay, Homer, bases loaded and you're up. Where's that secret weapon?
+Check it out, boys. My magic bat.
+Yeah, I got a magic bat, too.
+And I got an enchanted jock strap.
+Yeah, just watch.
+Woo hoooooo!
+Ha ha. Cops can't win!
+Get his license and registration.
+Right, Chief.
+Wow, Dad.
+Homer, can I get you a beer?
+No, I want to get him a beer.
+Kids, kids, kids. You can each get me a beer. But first let's see it again in super slow motion.
+Such a mighty wallop.
+Hey, I got my magic bat off a piano.
+My sister let me use her wooden leg.
+Good news, sir! The plant's softball team has won again. If we beat Shelbyville next week we capture the pennant.
+Did you hear that, Ari? My boys need only to thump your tub and the title is ours.
+Ha!! My gladiators from my power plant will crush your team like nine flabby grapes.
+I disagree.
+Would you care to bet a million dollars on that?
+Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting?
+What? A million dollars isn't interesting to you?
+Oh, did you say a million? I'm... I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere. I thought you would start with a small amount, then we would bait each other and... well, you know how it goes. Yes... certainly, a million will be fine.
+Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
+Yes, sir.
+Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
+No, sir! Whom should I kill?
+I did! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!
+No, Smithers. I've decided to bring in a few ringers. Professional baseballers.
+We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown...
+Uh... sir...
+What is it, Smithers?
+I'm afraid... all those players have retired and... uh... passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.
+Damnation! All right, find me some good players. Living players! Scour the professional ranks. The American League. The National League. The Negro Leagues.
+I'm on my way, sir.
+Oh, and Smithers... You have twenty-four hours.
+I get $50,000 to play one game?
+That's right, Mr. Canseco.
+Well, it's a pay cut. But what the hey, it sounds like fun.
+Hey, sorry! I thought you were a deer.
+That's okay, happens all the time. Are you Mike Scioscia?
+That's me.
+Uh, how do you like working for the Dodgers?
+Well, it's okay. But sometimes I wish I had something a little more blue collar. You know, with big machines and cool dials and stuff, like an oil refinery or a hydro-electric plant.
+We should talk.
+And this is Elvis' rec room. When the King wasn't rehearsing or exercising, he liked to unwind by watching up to three TVs at once.
+Man, oh, man, what a lifestyle.
+Excuse me, are you Ozzie Smith?
+I have a proposition for you...
+Hello, are you Don Mattingly?
+Yes, yes I am. Come in. Come in. Can I get you something? What's your name?
+How would you like to be a ringer on a small town company softball team?
+Would I!
+And now I'd like to introduce the new members of our happy power plant family. Our new security guard... Roger Clemens...
+our new janitor, Wade Boggs...
+How you doin'?
+our new lunchroom cashier... Ken Griffey, Jr....
+Hey, what's up guys?
+Our new, well uh, we'll make up jobs for these fellows later... Please say hello to Steve Sax, Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry, Ozzie Smith, Mike Scioscia, and Jose Canseco.
+Oh, by the way, you new fellows, there's a sign up sheet for the company softball team on the bulletin board over there. Eh, just in case you wish to play.
+Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Burns. With them on the team, you won't need us!
+Well... duh. You, Scioscia, sign up...
+Thanks just the same, but I'm here to run the solid contaminant encapsulator.
+One more outburst like that and I'll send you back to the big leagues!
+You're Darryl Strawberry.
+You play right field.
+I play right field too.
+Well, are you better than me?
+Well, I've never met you, but... yes.
+It's not fair. Me and the guys worked so hard to get to the championship game and now we'll be sitting on a bench.
+You hit so many home runs this year. What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?
+Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger than me and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.
+You make me sick Homer. You're the one who told me I could do anything if I just put my mind to it.
+Well now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
+Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.
+As your new manager, I want to say this up front. No one is assured a spot in the starting line-up. I don't care if your name is Steve Sax, Darryl Strawberry, or... Smithers, what's one of the bad players' names?
+Homer Simpson, sir.
+Or Homer Simpson.
+Secondly, instead of beer, from now on you will all be drinking this!
+It's a brain and nerve tonic. Rich in proteids and electromagnetic juices. It promotes robust health. Of course, it has been known to cause gigantism, but only in rare cases. Try some.
+Wow! It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.
+Excellent. Now, let's begin our training, shall we? Smithers -- the medicine balls.
+What are you going to do with your million dollars, sir?
+Oh, I don't know. Throw it on the pile, I suppose.
+You are all very good players.
+We are all very good players.
+You will beat Shelbyville.
+We will beat Shelbyville.
+You will give one hundred and ten percent.
+That's impossible no one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most any one can give.
+I got it! I got it!
+Hey, I called for that!
+Put a lid on it, Simpson. There's no "I" in "team".
+Some of these guys have a bad attitude, skip.
+They sure do, Strawberry.
+Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey Jr.?
+Hey Scioscia, I don't get it. You're a ringer but you're here every night, in the core, bustin' your butt haulin' radioactive waste.
+Well Carl, it's such a relief from the pressures of playing big league ball. I mean, there you make any kind of mistake and boom, the press is all over you.
+Ah, don't worry about it.
+Oh man, is this ever sweet.
+Pick me! Pick me!
+I pick Ken Griffey Jr.
+Aw geez... okay, I'll take Milhouse.
+Hey, Mr. Boggs! Will you be on my team?
+You got yourself a player.
+Damn! All right, I'll take Lewis.
+I'll take Jose Canseco.
+Mattingly! Get rid of those sideburns!
+What sideburns?
+You heard me, hippy.
+Mattingly! Get rid of those sideburns.
+What sideburns?
+You heard me, hippie.
+These guys aren't so tough. I've got "Wonder Bat."
+Take a knee boys.
+Tomorrow is the biggest day of your lives. The Shelbyville game. So lights out at seven-thirty and abstain from coffee, tea, and cola drinks. Make no mistake, they pack a wallop.
+Sure do, Skip.
+Yes. Now, before I post the starting line-up I want to assure those of you whose names are not on the list, that I'm very disappointed in you. Something was lacking, let's call it heart.
+No hustle either, Skip.
+That's right, Darryl.
+Aw, nuts!
+Please, please, please, I want to make the team. Clemens, did I make the team?
+You sure did.
+Sorry, I didn't mean to get your hopes up.
+Smithers, there's no way I can lose this bet. Unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate misfortunes and are unable to play tomorrow. But that will never happen. Three misfortunes, that's possible. Seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance. But nine misfortunes... I'd like to see that.
+What a nice little town. Maybe I'll buy a home here when I retire.
+What seems to be the problem, officers?
+That's enough out of you, smart guy.
+Reach for your license... slowly.
+Well well, Steve Sax from New York City.
+I heard some guy got killed in New York City, and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that -- now would you Steve?
+But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
+You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you Saxy boy?
+Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.
+Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate.
+Well, I'm afraid you have a case of acute radiation poisoning, Mr. Scioscia.
+Will... I... be... able... to... play... softball... tomorrow?
+No, by tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.
+Oh... man.
+Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you immediately. We think it's an overdose of nerve tonic.
+Good Lord! Gigantism!
+My baby! My baby!
+Don't worry, ma'am -- I'll save your baby.
+Oh, thank you, Mr. Conseco.
+My cat!
+Never fear, ma'am! I'll save your cat!
+My player piano!
+Oh, man.
+One thing I'm good at and I can't do it anymore.
+Oh, Homie. You're good at lots of things.
+Like what?
+Like snuggling...
+Yeah, but none of my friends can watch me.
+And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston.
+Pit the Elder.
+Lord Palmerston!
+Pit the Elder!
+Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
+Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney. Pit the Elder.
+Lord Palmerston!
+Nice work, boys. I think we can close the book on just about every unsolved crime in our fair city.
+Don't I at least get to call my lawyer?
+You watch too many movies, Sax.
+How long does it take to see this thing? I'm kind of in a hurry.
+Well, it's hard to say, my friend. Once you go in, you may never come out.
+Wow! One please.
+Where do you think you're going?
+To the game.
+No, no, no! I don't want you to see me sitting on my butt.
+We've seen it, dad.
+Mattingly, for the last time, get rid of those sideburns!
+Look, Mr. Burns. I don't know what you think sideburns are, but...
+Don't argue with me! Just get rid of them.
+Smithers, it's almost game time. Where the devil are my ringers?
+Sir, Mike Socioscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is looking at six consecutive life sentences. And Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth.
+What about Conseco?
+The dryer goes on the right.
+Yes ma'am.
+What about Clemens?
+Sir... he's in no condition to play.
+Brock, bock, bock, bock. Brock, bock, bock, bock.
+That damn hypnotist!
+You, look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! Make no mistake, I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association.
+But I did a good job... a gooood job.
+Oh well, I guess it's not your fault... you did a good job.
+Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns. Go home! You're off the team! For good!
+Fine. I still like him better than Steinbrenner.
+All right, you rag-tag bunch of misfits. You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring things that someone else may have told you in the course of your lives, and go out there and win!
+Not so fast, Simpson.
+The man who plays your position is still here. Hit the pine.
+You stink Strawberry. We want Home-run Homer!
+Dar-ryl, Dar-ryl.
+Dar-ryl, Dar-ryl.
+Children, that's not very nice.
+Mom, they're professional athletes. They're used to this sort of thing. It rolls right off their backs.
+All right, Monty, it's up to you managerial skills. What to do. Smithers, massage my brain.
+Yes, sir.
+You! Strawberry, hit a home run.
+Okay, Skip!
+I told him to do that.
+Brilliant strategy, sir.
+Oh, dear.
+Children, tell me when your father stops scratching himself. Kids?
+We'll tell ya, mom.
+All right, tie game. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded, Strawberry coming up...
+They're gonna win the championship, no thanks to me.
+Wait! You! Strawberry! Good effort today. Take a lap and hit the showers. I'm putting in a right-handed batter to hit for you.
+You're pinch-hitting for me?
+Yes. You see, you're a left-hander. And so is the pitcher. If I send up a right-handed batter, it's called playing the percentages. It's what smart managers do to win ballgames.
+But I've got nine home runs today.
+You should be very proud of yourself. Sit down! Simpson! You're batting for Strawberry.
+I am? Whoo-hoo!
+Atta boy, Homer.
+You can do it.
+Brock, bock, bock, bock, bock!
+All right, Simpson, let's go over the signals.
+If I tug the bill of my cap like so...
+...it means the signal is a fake.
+However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly.
+Got it.
+If I want you to bunt, I will touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice...
+Got that Simpson?
+Yes, sir!
+Now batting for Darryl Strawberry, Homer Simpson.
+Oh, dear.
+No mom, it counts as a hit. Dad just won the game.
+Ohh, well, I guess he'll be happy when he comes to.
+We won! We won! All right!
+Lurleen.
+WELL MR. BURNS HAD DONE IT / THE POWER PLANT HAD WON IT / WITH ROGER CLEMENS CLUCKING ALL THE WHILE / MIKE SOCIOSCIA'S TRAGIC ILLNESS MADE US SMILE / WHILE WADE BOGGS LAY UNCONSCIOUS ON THE BARROOM TILE / WE'RE TALKIN' SOFTBALL / FROM MAINE TO SAN DIEGO / TALKIN' SOFTBALL / MATTINGLY AND CONSECO / KEN GRIFFEY'S GROTESQUELY SWOLLEN JAW / STEVE SAX AND HIS RUN IN WITH THE LAW / WE'RE TALKIN' HO-MER / OZZIE AND THE STRAW / WE'RE TALKIN' SOFTBALL / FROM MAINE TO SAN DIEGO / TALKIN' SOFTBALL / MATTINGLY AND CONSECO / KEN GRIFFEY'S GROTESQUELY SWOLLEN JAW / STEVE SAX AND HIS RUN IN WITH THE LAW / WE'RE TALKIN' HO-MER / OZZIE AND THE STRAW.....
+Wait till next year. If I'm still alive.
+Good one, Lenny.
+Magnificent, simply magnificent.
+You from outta town?
+Have you been to the Museum of Barnyard Oddities yet?
+No! Where is it?
+Oh, here, gimme the map. I'll show you.
+Like this, Skip?
+Oh, you're a manager's dream, Strawberry.
+Smithers, it's almost game time. Where the devil are my ringers?
+Sir, Mike Scioscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is looking at six consecutive life sentences. And Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth.
+Now, class, I promised you a surprise today...
+I knew it.
+...And here it is. We're going to take a test.
+We're going to take a test.
+All right! A test!
+It's called the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test, or "CANT".
+Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair. In spite of your Masters from Bryn-mawr, you might end up a glorified baby-sitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor.
+First question: "If I could be any animal, I would be A) A Carpenter Ant; B) A Nurse Shark; or C) A Lawyer Bird."
+Question sixty: I prefer the smell of A) Gasoline; B) French Fries; or C) Bank Customers."
+Well, that was a waste of time.
+Janey, school is never a waste of time.
+Since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.
+Here for the tests.
+C'mon Emma.
+Here's your scientifically selected career --
+Architect.
+Mm, hm.
+Insurance salesman.
+Mm, hm.
+Salmon gutter?
+Military strongman.
+Systems analyst systems analyst systems analyst...
+Systems analyst.
+Awriigght!
+Homemaker?!
+Mm, hmm. It's like a Mommy.
+Police officer? Well, I'll be jiggered.
+If you'd like to learn more I could arrange for you to ride along in a police car for a night.
+Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.
+Ohhh, nooo. Coppppss.
+I really think you should consider this. You know, before I saw these test results I had you pegged as a drifter.
+Wow, a drifter.
+A homemaker! I might as well be dead!
+Lisa, it's not that bad.
+So what're you gonna be, boy?
+Policeman.
+That's nice, Bart. You know your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while. But they said he was too heavy.
+No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.
+Well, I'm gonna be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs. And I may or may not die young, I haven't decided.
+Honey, if that's what you want, we'll do anything we can to help.
+Wait a minute. Isn't anybody gonna follow in my footsteps?
+Can you tell me if I have what it takes to be a blues musician?
+Sure can. Show me your chops.
+Uh huh...
+So you think she has talent?
+Do you think she could be a professional some day?
+Oh, Lord no.
+But I'll practice every day!
+Yeah, well I'll be frank with you, Lisa. And when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as "stubbiness". It usually comes from the father's side.
+Stupid fingers.
+You're wrong, you're wrong! You don't need long fingers to play the blues. The blues come from in here!
+My God, they are stubby.
+Look, I didn't steal that copper wire. I just thought they were throwing it out. Here, take it.
+No no, sir, we're here to pick up your son. He's coming on a ride-along.
+Good for you. Maybe this'll straighten the boy out.
+Wow! Can I see your club?
+It's called a baton, son.
+Oh, what's it for?
+We club people with it.
+Well, it's about time.
+So, you guys like being cops?
+Oh it's great. You get to run red lights... Park wherever you please... Hot and cold runnin' chicks...
+And when you go home at night, you know you've made a difference.
+Hey Bart, you see that Caddy over there?
+Huh-huh.
+That's Mayor Quimby's car. Tonight Hizzoner is "polling the electorate".
+How would you like a street named after you?
+I tell ya, they only come out at night.
+Dear Log... This will be my last entry. For you were a journal of my hopes and dreams, and now I have none.
+Do you need straight A's to be a cop?
+Hey, fellas, let's go shoot some bad guys.
+Whoa, whoa, it doesn't quite work that way, son.
+People see movies like "McBain" and they think it's all bang-bang, shoot-'em-up, cops-n-robbers.
+Let's roll!
+One ocean tango... We are in pursuit of a speeding individual, driving a red... ...car. License number...
+Eggplant-Xerxes-Crybaby-Overbite-Narwhal.
+Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous.
+Oh, baby!
+Damn boxes!
+He's trapped.
+Where's our backup?
+I don't know. Son, this is against every regulation, but would you cover us?
+See you in hell, punk.
+Act Two: "Death Drives A Stick."
+See you in hell, punk.
+Man, that was close!
+Good thing this alley got so narrow in the middle.
+Well, that's nice work, boys.
+Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket... to jail.
+He's unconscious, sir.
+They can still hear things!
+Sir, I know what I wanna be when I grow up. A cop!
+Well, until then, son, I'm gonna make you an honorary police officer... Eddie, give him your badge.
+Morning, honey.
+What's so good about it....
+Lisa, I know you're down on homemaking, but it can really let you be creative. See, this morning I turned bacon, eggs and toast into a nice smiley face for Bart and Homer.
+What's the point? They'll never notice.
+Oh well, you'd be surprised.
+Now, just relax your hand.
+Thank you, Ma'am. You've been most cooperative.
+Bad dog! Very bad dog.
+Mom, before you blame the dog, I think you should take a look at these surveillance photos.
+Oh... Oh... Unng... Oh, Bart.
+Uh, I don't know how that got in there.
+Lisa, why aren't you at band practice?
+I quit.
+Oh, honey, right now you're discouraged. But deep down, you know you love the saxophone. I think you should stay in the band.
+If you think it's so great, why don't you join the band?
+Lisa, there are a lot of people in the world who like to tell you what you can't do. But they don't always know what they're talking about.
+The girl on the oatmeal box?
+Women can't be astronauts.
+They'd distract the men astronauts so they wouldn't keep their minds on the road.
+So you see, my sisters were wrong. Except about the cities on the moon. I was wrong about that. So... well, you can see how anyone can be wrong.
+Sweet vigilant puma. Principal of the mountains.
+Hi Lis, want to quiz me on the vowels?
+Janey, I'm about ready to chuck the whole stinking alphabet.
+Lisa, what are you doing? That's the bad girl bathroom.
+You wanna egg his house?
+What're you lookin' at?
+Nothin'.
+Then get out, 'cause we're figuring out stuff to egg.
+Okay, but if you really want to honk Skinner off, I suggest you attack the one thing he truly believes in.
+Really?
+I saw some awful things in 'Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma. I never thought I'd say this, but the no-goodniks rule this school!
+God, I could really use a half-day.
+Think you're big men with your handcuffs and blasted tasers!
+Get him outta here.
+I'll get you Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do!
+Now what is this all about?
+Well, it's quite simple, really. I observed our friend Groundskeeper Willie burning leaves with a blatant disregard for our clean air laws.
+Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
+That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... And I liked it.
+Bart, there are a lot of troublemakers in this school... and Lord knows I can't be everywhere at once.
+Look, let's can the euphemisms, huh? No more bullspit. How would you like to be a hall monitor?
+Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids?
+That's the meat of it, yes.
+Now, Witness X, will you please tell the court what you saw?
+I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal the late Mr. Palacio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier.
+I keel you!!
+Aye carumba!
+Uh, I don't know.
+Oooh, now, you get to wear a sash...
+You've got yourself a narc.
+Hey, Jimbo, keepin' your nose clean, dude? Attaboy! Hey, Donna, who loves ya, baby?
+Not in my hall, bub.
+Did you say one hundred and thirty million dollars?
+I think you've had enough, sister. C'mon, let's keep it moving.
+Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly!
+Allright, break it up, boys. That belly ain't gonna get any pinker.
+Okay. Wedgie!
+Thanks, Bart.
+Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.
+We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
+We have three kids, Homer.
+Maaarge... The dog doesn't count as a kid.
+No, Maggie!
+Oh yeah.
+Now, take some paste and spread it on the construction paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
+No, Miss Hoover.
+Good. Now, sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
+Shove it.
+I have never seen a good student take such a slide. Lisa, what are you rebelling against?
+Whattaya got?
+And she goes, "Lisa told Hoover to shove it" and I'm like, "No way!" And she's like, "Fraid so," and I'm all, "Whooah!", and she's like...
+Hey, Lisa, man. I'm like, so impressed. When I was in second grade, I was all "Hi, there, I'm so good." Want a smoke?
+Uh, I'll smoke it in class.
+Bart, you're doing a bang-up job. You know, before there were some corridors of this school you'd just never go down. Now I feel safe anywhere.
+Every day is a new fight, sir.
+Come on, Bart. In your pre-Fascist days, you knew the giddy thrill of futile rebellion.
+Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank. Come with me.
+Madre de Dios! The legends were true!
+Yes Bart, whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here. Salacious halter-tops, complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy, and this fake plastic derriere.
+Now, to show my gratitude, I want you to help yourself to an item of your choice.
+All-riight!
+Ooo, now, you be careful with that crossbow.
+I will.
+Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.
+Forgery. So he didn't have leprosy.
+This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again.
+Oh, Things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.
+Hey Lewis, watch this.
+Ow! Bart, do something.
+Let's go, Milhouse.
+Sure, we have order. But at what price!
+Now let's correct our homework exercises. Lisa, what nineteenth century figure was nicknamed "Old Hickory"?
+I don't know. You?
+Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment you'd know the answer is...
+The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.
+Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.
+Stupid Hoover... thinks she's so smart.
+She wouldn't be so smart without her Teacher's edition.
+Ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school.
+What'll we do?
+Declare a snowday!
+Does anyone know the multiplication table?
+Please, please, don't panic! They can smell fear.
+Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh, day Martin will be teaching this class.
+I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.
+Just do it, Brainiac.
+Have I ever told you kids about the sixties?
+I've... got... to get... out... of... here!
+Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean.
+I'm leaving the profession again.
+Oh now Mr. Glasscock, please reconsider.
+Hunh-uh.
+Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teachers' editions.
+The dogs have picked up the scent of books.
+Send in the battering ram.
+Here we go!
+We're going to have to re-order every book.
+Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.
+Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court...
+Pfft, Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
+Let's move.
+That's right. It was I.
+Lis, why did you do it?
+Yeah, but even I had my limits. You're looking at expulsion for this.
+I know. I know.
+The books!
+Oh, answers! Answers! Simpson, you've just saved the school one hundred and twenty dollars. Who's behind this monstrous crime?
+I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.
+Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal Sucker.
+D'oh. Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days detention.
+Four hundred days. I can do that standing on my head.
+All right, five hundred days.
+Oooh, big man.
+Six hundred days.
+Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.
+Let's go, Simpson.
+Bart, why'd you take the blame?
+'Cause I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.
+Oh, Bart.
+Soundin' good, Lis!
+I don't need your crummy job Mr. Employer! I won the lottery!
+Well, who needs employees? I won the lottery too!
+We both won the lottery!
+Why don't you win the lottery, too?
+The State Lottery. Where everybody wins. Actual odds of winning -- one in three hundred eighty million.
+Pfft, the lottery. Exploiter of the poor and ignorant.
+You know, I heard the jackpot's up to one hundred and thirty million dollars.
+One hundred and thirty million dollars!
+Yes, yes, here's your lottery ticket. Thank you for knocking over my inventory. Please come again.
+Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! How old are you? Uh-huh, and what's your birthday? No kidding. And what's Lisa's birthday?... What? You don't know your sister's birthday? What kind of brother are you?
+Strap on your bullet proof vest, Sanjay. It's time for another bank run.
+All right, but if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with my wife.
+I promise nothing.
+You'll never guess what happened Marge! Are you ready? I... have... a feeling... that we may win... the lottery!
+But we never ever...
+I know you're excited, but calm down and listen to me carefully. Go-get-all-your-money...
+I buy one lottery ticket a week with the girls at the hair salon. We each play our birthday. And that's enough excitement for me.
+You don't understand, Marge. The lottery is the one ray of hope in my otherwise unbearable life. Uh, the lottery and you.
+Homer, we're on a tight budget here. Promise me you won't get carried away.
+Yes, Money... I mean Honey. Ooooh! Here comes a news report about the lottery!
+Hey, down in front.
+The whole state is suddenly in the grip of lottery fever. And Springfield is no exception.
+In fact, every copy of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" has been checked out from the Springfield Public Library.
+Of course, the book does not contain any hints on how to win the lottery. It is, rather, a chilling tale of conformity gone mad.
+But there's already one big winner. Our state's school system, which gets fully half the profits from the lottery.
+You can still win some money if you have five out of six.
+Whoo-hoo!
+Just think what we can buy with that money. History books that know how the Korean War came out. Math books that don't have that Base six crap in them.
+And a state of the art detention hall, where children are held in place with magnets.
+Magnets. Always with the magnets.
+I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I am going to win this lottery.
+Homer, the odds are three hundred and eighty million to one.
+Correction. Three hundred and eighty million to fifty. So what are you gonna do with your share of the money, kids?
+Put it in the bank.
+Give it to the poor.
+What do kids know about spending money?
+What are you gonna do, Homer?
+Hey Homer, what'd you do? Get a haircut or something?
+Look closer, Lenny!
+Oh I know what it is. You're the biggest man in the world now. And you're covered in gold.
+Fourteen carat gold!
+Take a hike boss, I'm running things now.
+All hail king Homer!
+We now take you to the drawing live -- I hope you've got your tickets. I've got mine.
+They're about to start, Chief.
+No, you've got the wrong number. This is nine one two.
+We'll be with you in a minute, kids. This could be our ticket outta here, Mel.
+I will now draw the first winning number.
+I've got so many tickets I can't lose!
+The first number is... seventeen.
+And the second number is... three.
+Receipts, ugh.
+Yeah, I knew we wouldn't win.
+Well why didn't you tell the rest of us? Why did you keep it a secret??? If you were seventeen, we'd be rich! But no! You had to be "10."
+And the final number is... forty-nine.
+Thirty-eight... forty-nine... Ohmigod! I won! I won!
+Recapping our day's top story -- the winner of today's state lottery is me, Kent Brockman! Can we get a shot of me?
+There you go.
+In other news... uh... a tragic mix-up today in Cleveland... many people killed... uh... Goodbye.
+Oh well... we lost the money, but at least we've still got each other.
+Hey, the dog's dead.
+Grampa, he's not dead!
+Dad, you shouldn't say the dog's dead when he's not.
+It's not fair to toy with people's emotions like that.
+He is dead! I'll get a shovel.
+Well, he's not dead, but he is awfully sick.
+Oh, sure! The old man's off his rocker. If Grampa says he's dead he must be alive.
+He is alive. He's wagging his tail.
+That don't mean nothin'! Dogs wag their tails for hours after they die. I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. I'm going home.
+Clear! Ugh... Clear!
+Doctor... he's gone.
+This is the part of the job I hate.
+Hey, you did the best you could.
+I love animals. I spend my life saving them and they can't thank me. Well... the parrots can -- but, anyway let's see what's wrong with this little fella.
+I'm afraid that your dog has a twisted stomach. He needs an operation to correct it or he'll die.
+Hmm, how much will it cost?
+Seven hundred and fifty dollars.
+Oh dear!
+This is never an easy decision. It's an awful lot of money.
+Well... I guess we'll have to talk it over.
+Talk what over? What's there to talk about?
+What are we going to talk over?
+Mr. Teeny needs a refill of his nicotine gum.
+I can't help but notice we're leaving the hospital. When's the dog going to get his operation?
+Uh... later. First, I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world... Doggie Heaven.
+In Doggie Heaven, there's mountains of bones and they can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! And all the best dogs are there. Old Yeller... and about eight Lassies and...
+Is there a Doggie Hell?
+Well... of course. There couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell.
+Who's in there?
+Uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had... whassisname... uh... Chester.
+Checkers.
+Yeah. And one of the Lassies is in there too. The mean one. The one that mauled Timmy.
+Hey! Wait a minute, does this have anything to do with Santa's Little Helper?
+Oh, honey. Seven-hundred and fifty dollars is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.
+You're gonna just let him die?
+I know you're upset --
+Darn right I'm upset!
+Bart, watch your language. Oh. You did. Sorry.
+We are not going to let our dog die! And that's IT! Lousy dog-killing sonsa...
+But it'll be okay... we'll get him a new dog... one with an untwistable stomach...
+Oh, come on! I'm sorry, but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop.
+Thanks, Mom.
+All right. All right. We'll find a way. Lousy manipulative dog.
+Uh... Mr. Burns... I need to borrow some money.
+Please, do go on...
+I know you're a good man... and I have a dog that's very sick...
+Oh, please, continue...
+I thought maybe you...
+Oh. Well, thanks for your time.
+What makes a man endanger his job, and yes, even his life, by asking me for money?
+People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
+Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
+Uh... if YOU did it, sir?...
+Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs!
+You are NOT going to perform that operation yourself.
+But Marge! It looks so easy! Just like carving a turkey.
+Maybe you're right, Marge.
+I've found a way we can pay for the operation.
+Whattaya got, Marge? Insurance scam?
+No. I'm afraid we're just going to have to make a few sacrifices. Homer, you're going to have to give up beer for a while.
+Bart, from now on you'll have to get your hair cut for free at Springfield Barber College.
+No problemo.
+I'm going to give up buying my weekly lottery ticket, and I found a way to stretch the food budget. Fried chicken night will now be organ meat night. Ham night will be Spam night. And porkchop night...
+... will now be chub night.
+Chub? I don't even know what that is!
+Lisa, I'm afraid we'll have to stop getting you those volumes of Encyclopedia Generica from the grocery store.
+But, Mom, next week is volume four: Copernicus through Elephantiasis.
+We all have to make sacrifices, dear. Maggie's baby clothes will have to last for a little longer...
+Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats...
+I don't think you've thought this through.
+Good news, Mr. Danielson, we saved your gamecock. But I'm afraid he'll never fight again.
+That's what you think. He'll fight and he'll win!
+Clamp. Wipe... No! No!
+Come to the light, boy. Come into the light. Come on now. There's a good boy. Come on. Come on.
+Um... Simpson?
+It's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of dental school.
+Lousy chub night. Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't?
+You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly just snouts and entrails.
+Mmm... snouts.
+Yes, I'm back. Kent Brockman is not the kind of a man who would leave a $500,000 a year job just because he won a lottery. Hey, I'm a journalist.
+Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
+What's that?
+A dinosaur.
+Of course I'm not the only one who benefited from last week's big payoff. Our state's schools got their share too. Here, lottery officials present Springfield Elementary with a brand new eraser.
+One eraser? Oh, I'm used to my government betraying me. I was in Nam. I served for three --
+And speaking of lotteries, here are the winning numbers for this week's forty-thousand dollar "jackpot": 3 - 6 - 17 - 18 - 22 and 29.
+Oh no! Those are my numbers! If it wasn't for that dog, I would've won!
+Class, for tomorrow, I want you to write a report on Copernicus.
+C'mon boozehound! You want the twenty five cents, don't you? Keep singin'!
+BUFFALO GALS WON'T YOU COME OUT TONIGHT / COME OUT TONIGHT / COME OUT TONIGHT... OH BUFFALO GALS...
+Who's that old rummy?
+Before his dog got sick, that "old rummy" used to be my best customer.
+AND DANCE BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOONNNNNNNN!
+Go get it, pal.
+My quarter!!!
+Okay, I'll just even this out and.
+Mr. Laswell! I've done it again.
+I know you can't understand me, but you're a lousy dog and I hate you.
+Not now.
+Can't you see I'm reading a third-rate biography of Copernicus I found at the bus station?
+Dumb dog.
+Homie, did you close the gate?
+Oh, you mean tonight.
+The dog will get out!
+Bart! Close the gate.
+Lisa! Close the gate.
+Close the gate, Maggie.
+Here boy!
+Here Santa's Little Helper!
+It's all my fault. I called him a dumb dog.
+Oh he's gone and he's never coming back. Wait! There he is. No... that's a horse.
+Have you found a picture yet?
+Not one that I want the public to see.
+... So recycling is our way of giving Mother Earth a great big hug.
+Yes, well, it does sound like fun. I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon.
+Release the hounds. Well, neighbor I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.
+What's wrong with Crippler?
+He's getting on, sir. He's been here since the late sixties.
+Ah yes, I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too "groovy."
+I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamy tang of human flesh.
+Why here's the fellow! Wiry... fast... firm proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.
+Uh...the last one.
+Now! As an attack dog, you'll be expected to neutralize intruders.
+Wanna buy some cookies? Wanna buy some cookies?
+If that were a real Girl Scout I'd have been bothered by now.
+I know how you feel, I lost my dog too. He's in here somewhere.
+Now here's a film that will turn you into a vicious souless killer. Enjoy.
+Poor Santa's Little Helper. I'm starting to think we'll never see him again.
+That was his dish, and that was his leash, and that's where he took a whiz on the rug.
+Homer get a-hold of yourself. Even if he has passed on, there's no reason to cry. Remember Doggie Heaven.
+Oh, Marge! There is no such place!
+Or... to put it another way... there is.
+I'm not giving up. I don't care if I have to knock on every door in this two-bit town. I'm gonna find my dog.
+And I'll be right here watching TV.
+Poke-A Poke-A Poke-A! Poke-A Poke-A Poke-A!
+Excellent!
+Hello, I'm Kent Brockman.
+Um, excuse me sir, I lost my dog.
+Two tickets for...
+Let me guess. "Look Who's Oinking"?
+Hmm huh. And I suppose you want me to buy you a new one. You know, ever since I won the lottery, everybody wants a piece of Kent Brockman. Homeless this, and hungry that.
+Gee, I'm sorry mister.
+Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy.
+I, uh. I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir. But there's a sweet little boy at the door.
+Release the hounds.
+Santa's Little Helper! It's you! AAAGGGHHH!!
+What's the matter boy? Don't you know me? I'm your buddy!
+I love ya, boy.
+Let me pet him again!
+You already petted him for ten minutes.
+I know. I want to pet him again!
+You can pet the cat.
+The cat? What's the point?
+Look dad, there's a spot.
+Oh, there's a spot, dear.
+Oooh, there's a good one.
+That spot says "compact only".
+Marge, that's just a suggested car size.
+Easy... easy... How'm I doing on the right?
+Uh, we're getting a lot of sparks over here, dad.
+Uh huh... easy... easy... perfect. All right, everybody out the window.
+Ooh, they all look great.
+So, what are we going to see?
+"Ernest Cuts The Cheese"!
+"Honey, I Hit A School Bus"!
+"Look Who's Oinking"! "Look Who's Oinking"!
+Well, since we'll never agree, why don't you kids pick a movie, your dad and I will pick a movie, then we'll all meet in the lobby later. Hmm?
+That's right.
+Sold out.
+Maybe we could see something a little more adult.
+Why Marge, you frisky little devil.
+We'll take two tickets to "The Stockholm Affair."
+Ooh! The paper called it a "taut political thriller".
+"Political"!
+Mr. President, disturbing news. Serious cracks are developing in the Greco-Bolivian Alliance.
+Get me Jed Kolick!
+Ah, this movie's too complicated... Hey, the floor's sticky...
+Who's that guy?... What did that guy say when I said, "Who's that guy?"
+Oh, that submarine's so fake... Look, you can see the strings... Ooh! An octopus!
+If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.
+Just tell me when the scary part's over.
+It's over.
+I think that guy's a spy.
+Well of course he's a spy. You just saw him go through spy school!
+Oh wait, I heard how this ends. It turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter.
+Hey, it's pretty obvious if you think about it.
+Oh, shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think!
+Homer, if it makes you feel any better, most of what they threw at you splattered on me. Homer?...
+Forget it, mom. Dad's really mad. The tendons are throbbing at the base of his neck...
+And stress is collecting in the trouble spots here... here... and here... Making for one unhappy pappy.
+Homie, aren't you coming inside?
+Marge, I have always carried myself with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight you robbed me of it. I'm going now and I don't know when you'll see me again.
+I guess that executive stress ball we got him for Christmas isn't working.
+Ew, a skunk!
+Ooh, a redneck bar.
+Hey, you, let's fight!
+Them's fightin' words!
+Duff please.
+We don't sell Duff. We sell Fudd.
+Okay, Fudd me.
+All right, all right, uh, ladies and gentlemen, he's all healed up and he's back for more. Let's give a big drunken welcome to Yodelin' Zeke!
+Yodel-lay-hee... Yodel-lay-hee... Yodel-lay-hee -- Arrgh!
+Our next act is our very own singin' waitress, Lurleen!
+... So, I'm afraid drink service will stop for just a few moments while she --
+They're all yours.
+Stupid Marge tell me to shut up.
+Thank you. Tonight I'd like to try something a little different. It's a song I wrote while I was moppin' up your dried blood and teeth.
+YOU WORK ALL DAY FOR SOME OLD MAN/ SWEAT AND BREAK YOUR BACK/
+Yeah...
+THEN YOU GO HOME TO YOUR CASTLE/ BUT YOUR QUEEN WON'T CUT YOU SLACK/
+... that's true.
+THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LOSIN' ALL YOUR HAIR/... THAT'S WHY YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT/...
+Uh-huh.
+THAT'S WHY YOU FLIPPED YOUR PICK-UP TRUCK RIGHT OFF THE INTERSTATE/...
+That's right, except for the pick-up truck.
+Oh, no. I went to this bar the other night, and they...
+Wha...wha... Wait a minute. You went to another bar?
+THERE'S A LOT OF BULL THEY HAND YOU/ THERE'S NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO/ YOUR WIFE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU/ BUT I DO/ NO, YOUR WIFE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU/ BUT I DO/ I SAID NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU/ BUT I DO/
+Hey... Hey, Lurleen! I've gotta say somethin' to ya.
+I'm listenin'.
+Your song touched me in a way I've never felt before. And which way to the can?
+So what's your name, stranger?
+Homer J. Simpson.
+My name's Lurleen Lumpkin.
+That's a pretty name.
+Oh, you think so?
+Maybe. I'm not sure. I forgot it.
+Bye Lurleen.
+So long, Homer J. Simpson.
+Y'ello.
+Where were you all night?
+I was just up at this bar in Spittle County.
+You should have called. I was very worried.
+Marge, let's end this feudin' and a fussin' and get down to some lovin'.
+I WORK ALL DAY FOR SOME OLD MAN/ I SWEAT AND BREAK MY BACK/
+Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder.
+Put it back! Put it back!
+YOUR WIFE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU/ BUT I DO...
+Gheee... Homer's singing to his ball again.
+Yeah, and he's bowling a two-eighty.
+Oh yeah. THERE'S A KIND OF HUSH/ ALL OVER THE WORLD TONIGHT...
+Hey Moe, you got any Fudd?
+Fudd? I thought they took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind.
+Moe, I was a hundred miles outta town.
+Oh, Homer.
+Well, if it isn't Homer J. Simpson.
+Lurleen, I can't get your song outta my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funky Town."
+Oh, aren't you sweet.
+Do you think I could get a copy of it?
+Sorry, darlin', all my songs are up here. "I'm Bastin' a Turkey With My Tears", "Don't Look Up My Dress Unless You Mean It", "I'm Sick of Your Lyin' Lips and False Teeth"...
+Lurleen, we've gotta crack open your head and scoop out those songs!
+Well, I don't know.
+Come with me!
+I SAID NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU, BUT I DOOO.
+Listen ma'am, my brother owns a radio station over in Weevilville, and with your permission, I'd like to take your CD to him.
+Homer, it's your quarter, what do you say?
+I guess so.
+This is K-U-D-D five seventy A.M.
+Hey, don't touch that dial -- you've got KUDD on it.
+For the next half hour, beer's on the house.
+What'd you say, Moe?
+Nothin'.
+I thought I told you to stay away from my sister!
+Oh, here's fifty bucks. Take her to the Copa.
+It's payback time!
+Aww... puts this whole riot into perspective, doesn't it?
+She's wonderful. I could feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit.
+Country music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from shock DJ's whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.
+Shut up, boy. Marge, what do you think?
+Well, it's nice. But who is this woman?
+Well, right now she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress. But she's going to be a country music superstar like... uh... that jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady.
+I don't like you hanging around with some cocktail waitress!
+Marge, you make it sound so seamy. All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on some outfits.
+Well hi, Lurleen. We were just talking about you. Uh... I think I can come over. Let me ask my wife.
+It's a date!
+Oh Homer, everybody's been callin'! Mamma, Daddy, the triplets, Vonda Mae, Piney Jo... and I owe it all to you.
+Don't thank me, Lurleen, you should be thanking your brain.
+Oh Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know, wantin' somethin' in return.
+Well, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel kinda guilty about it.
+Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
+Thanks. You did say sugar, right?
+Uh-huh. Now, Homer, I want you to be my manager.
+Really? Well, I should warn you... I'm not great with figures...
+That's okay.
+I make a lot of stupid decisions...
+Nobody's perfect.
+I did bad in school.
+I didn't even go.
+My personal hygiene has been described as...
+Homer, Homer, you'll be a great manager. There's only one thing you need.
+Now this is made from a space-age fabric developed especially for Elvis. Sweat actually cleans this suit!
+Marge, look at me.
+I don't want to. I'm mad at you.
+I'm sick of that waitress and all the time you've been spending with her, and this whole country music thing.
+Uh, then maybe you better not look at me.
+Homer! Where did you get that suit?
+A friend bought it for me.
+Was it Lurleen?
+No... I think it was Lenny.
+Don't lie to me. Are you having an affair with this woman?
+Have you kissed her?
+Has she kissed you?
+A coupla times.
+I want you to stop seeing her.
+I can't. I'm her manager.
+Her manager? That's ridiculous. I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family.
+Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer.
+Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie. And you did it at the county fair last year. Remember?
+Marge, Lurleen's gonna be a big success and whether you like it or not, I'm going to be there.
+Fine. See if I care.
+This studio has a lot of history. Buddy Holly stood on this spot in 1958 and said, "There is no way in hell that I'm gonna record in this dump".
+I'm sure Lurleen will love it.
+Homer, how much did you just give that man?
+Calm down, Marge, it's just our life savings. I'm not going to go into hock for this.
+Hey, Colonel Homer. And you must be...
+Mrs. Homer Simpson.
+Charmed.
+Hmmm. I thought you said she was overweight!
+Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
+What does that mean?
+I'M ASKIN' WILL YOU BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT?
+I don't have time to answer all these questions. Uh, time is money. Come on, people!
+Well, c'mon boys. Let's break some hearts.
+OH THE BASES WERE EMPTY ON THE DIAMOND OF MY HEART/ WHEN THE COACH CALLED ME UP TO THE PLATE/ I'D BEEN SWINGIN' AND MISSIN' AND LOVIN' AND KISSIN'/ MY AVERAGE WAS POINT DOUBLE AUGHT EIGHT/ SO I SPIT ON MY HANDS/ KNOCKED THE DIRT FROM MY SPIKES/ AND POINTED RIGHT TOWARD CENTER FIELD/ THIS TIME I'M HITTIN' A HOME RUN/ THIS TIME LOVE IS FOR REAL/ I'LL SLIDE, I'LL STEAL,
+Hey Dad, can I do a ham-bone solo?
+Stop it.
+I'LL SACRIFICE/ A LOVING FLY FOR YOU/ I'VE BEEN SLUMPING ALL SEASON/ BUT NOW I'VE FOUND A REASON/ I STRUCK ON A LOVE THAT IS TRUE/ I USED TO PLAY THE FIELD/ I USED TO BE A ROAMER/ BUT THE SEASON'S TURNIN' 'ROUND FOR ME NOW/ I FINALLY BAGGED ME A HOMER.
+THAT'S RIGHT! I FINALLY BAGGED ME A HOMER.
+Lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off. We're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track.
+You, off the bench.
+Guess what, Lurleen, I got you a gig on TV.
+Oh Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome.
+Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment. Now on this show, they want you to sing two songs. Maybe we should give them something new.
+Well, I have been working on something that could really heat things up.
+Let's hear it.
+IN THIS TRAILER, I GET SO COLD AND LONELY/ LYIN' THERE AWAKE AT NIGHT/ MUTTERING IF ONLY YOU WEREN'T MARRIED/ SO I MIGHT ASK YOU TO BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT/ BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT/ OH BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT/ I'M ASKIN' WILL YOU BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT?
+Oh, that's hot. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that. Well, g'bye.
+Uh, Homer, there's a hidden message to this song that you may have missed. Really listen. BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT...
+Uh-huh...
+BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT...
+Right...
+That's right Homer J.
+Uh... I gotta think about this.
+All our money's tied up in this woman. If she fails, we're broke. If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for.
+You don't?
+I gotta go. Homer...
+Later, Marge. Lurleen's on TV tonight. I gotta get ready.
+Just so you know, while you and Lurleen were out judging that greased pig contest, Maggie cut her first tooth.
+That's great, honey. Say, have you seen my rattlesnake hatband?
+You're not even listening to me!
+Sure they will.
+Kids, will you come in here?
+You've got a wonderful family, Homer. Please don't forget it when you walk out that door tonight.
+Uh... I gotta go.
+As much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit.
+Hold onto your pitch forks everybody! It's time again for...
+Ya - hooooooo!
+Starring, in alphabetical order... Yodelin' Zeke... Butterball Jackson... Freddy-boy and Yuma... Cloris Mozelle... Big Shirtless Ron... Orville and Hurley... Cathy May... Hip Diddler... Rooney!... ... The Ya-Hoo Recovering Alcoholic Jug Band... and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut... Lurleen!
+OH THE BASES WERE EMPTY...
+Excuse me, are you Colonel Homer Simpson?
+Yes I am.
+I'm from Rebel Yell Records, a division of Togasaki Corp. I'm interested in buying Lurleen's contract.
+Forget it, pal. They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.
+Lurleen, they loved you.
+Well thank you -- I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay.
+Is there anything you need?
+I'm sorry?
+Well... you could make my evening complete.
+What's wrong?
+My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.
+Thanks for dinner!
+At least could I have my dollar ba...
+I'll love you for the rest of my life.
+I'm sorry Lurleen. All I wanted to do was share your beautiful voice with other people and I've done that. Now I better get out of here before I lose my family.
+Just so I don't wonder... You would've gone all the way with me, wouldn't you?
+Uh-huh.
+Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen. And I'll take any offer.
+I'll give you fifty bucks.
+You son of a... Sold!
+I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
+You bitter?
+Yeah. Bit him too.
+And now, once again, Lurleen.
+Is there any room in that bed for a dad-burn fool?
+Always has been.
+Now I'd like to play a song I wrote just this minute. It's called "Stand By Your Manager". HIS NAME IS HOMER/ HE'S QUITE A MAN/ I TRIED TO KISS HIM/ BUT HOMER RAN.
+SURE WISH I COULD SAY/ THAT I WAS HIS/ I HOPE THAT MARGE KNOWS/ JUST HOW LUCKY SHE IS.
+Would you turn off that rock 'n' rock music!
+Hey, don't have a Stegosaurus, man.
+These talking dinosaurs are more real than most real families on TV.
+Look Maggie, they have a baby, too.
+It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen.
+Now kids, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selma's new boyfriend tonight.
+But I think that before he gets here, I should tell you something about him. Something... disturbing.
+You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone, so in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
+Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.
+Now, now, he's an ex-convict. He's paid his debt to society.
+Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
+I'm just not.
+That's them. Now remember everyone, be understanding and forgiving for the sake of family unity.
+Everyone, I'd like you to meet --
+Sideshow Bob!
+What the...?
+Selma dear, I'm afraid the children's reaction is quite understandable.
+You see, Bart here is the Shamus in short pants who sent me to prison.
+That's right, Aunt Selma. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown for armed robbery.
+Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new bellybutton.
+Lousy snitch.
+Ahh, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha.
+I am not.
+Yes, you are. One: existence is suffering. Two: the cause of suffering is desire. In this case, my desire to do high-quality children's programming.
+When prison put an end to that dream, I became a seething cauldron of rage and recrimination...
+Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma. That man is scum.
+Then call me Mrs. Scum!
+When I was nominated for best supporting performer in a children's program at the Daytime Emmy Awards, my bitterness ruined what should have been the greatest night of my life.
+And the nominees are: Droopy Drawers; Colonel Coward; Pepito the Biggest Cat in the Whole Wide World; Sideshow Bob; and Suck-up the Vacuum.
+And the Emmy goes to... I don't believe this. Sideshow Bob.
+This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
+Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob.
+No-talent shill!
+Second banana!
+Panderer!
+Stop it, stop... release me... .
+Now, for the highlight of the evening... Best film-to-video transfer...
+Do you know what prison is like for a life-long conservative Republican? In our over-crowded cell, we became little more than beasts.
+Who used my chapstick?
+Oh, I did. Here you go.
+I don't want it.
+My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge against the boy who put me there...
+Aye-Carumba!
+Bart, if I wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken as soon as I walked in that door.
+But then what kind of a guest would I have been?
+Now where was I... Ah yes, my lowest ebb.
+You can't take my Emmy!
+Hey, you know the rules. Awards for excellence in entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe.
+But kismet can be kind as well as cruel. I received an answer to my letter from the prison pen pal program.
+Knock it off.
+Dear Number 24601, I need a man and I cannot find one among the law-abiding. I have a steady job, and a lucrative hobby filing nuisance law suits. I share an apartment with my twin sister. Enclosed is a photo of us on a tandem bike. I forget which one I am.
+Dear Selma, your latest letter set off a riot in the maximum security wing of my heart.
+Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard, our love bloomed despite all obstacles.
+Selma, may I?
+Uh-uh-uh. On the cheek.
+Inspired by the love of a good woman, I resolved to be the best darned inmate Number 24601 I could be.
+I bade farewell to my cellmates and left with the woman I loved.
+Cutter... Ice pick... Snake, I'm going to miss you most of all.
+What a beautiful story, Sideshow Bob. You're living proof that our revolving door prison system works.
+Selma, I've never seen you so happy. Giggling like a schoolgirl.
+I've got to admit it, Selma. He's a once in a lifetime catch.
+Yes, I hope the police are saying that as well.
+I can't believe you guys. This man framed Krusty the Clown.
+Indeed, I did. And I'd like to thank you for catching me, Bart. You seized the wheel of my slow boat to hell and pointed it straight towards the sunny shores of Selma.
+Hear hear!.
+Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family?
+All right, but no tongues.
+Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that's not what I had in mind.
+Selma, will you marry me?
+I suppose so.
+I KNOW I STAND IN LINE UNTIL I THINK YOU HAVE THE TIME TO SPEND AN EVENING WITH ME.
+AND IF WE GO SOMEPLACE TO DANCE I KNOW THAT THERE'S A CHANCE YOU WON'T BE LEAVIN' WITH ME.
+THEN AFTERWARDS WE DROP INTO A QUIET LITTLE PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK OR TWO.
+AND THEN I GO AND SPOIL IT ALL BY SAYIN' SOMETHIN' STUPID LIKE "I LOVE YOU".
+Ahhh... ahhh... Hmmmm... Could you pumice my corns for me?
+Avec plaisir.
+A... G... Q... Seven...
+Close enough. May you drive safely and find true love.
+We now return to the Twenty-seventh Annual Krusty the Clown Telethon for Motion Sickness.
+Tiffany! Woo hoo! I love you people! I love my kids! Poor little guys.
+So tragic. So nauseous. You should see the bus they came to the studio in What's next? Oh yeah. And now, a man who needs no introduction -- the chairman of the company... you know who I'm talking about. Get out here, you goombah!
+Krusteleh, there's an old friend backstage who wants to say hello.
+Huh? Whuh?
+Come here you.
+Oh... oh... oh, you old clown you.
+Oh, I missed ya.
+This guy is a national treasure.
+That jerk I got to replace you, he isn't fit to hold your slide whistle.
+All I can be is myself.
+Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you and putting you in jail?
+Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon, I'm right back in there.
+That Sideshow Bob is a no-good showbiz phony.
+Come on, Bart. If Krusty can find it in his heart to forgive him, surely you can too.
+Oh Krusty, I can't tell you how much I missed this.
+Now, about your wedding dress. I'm not sure how to put this...
+White. And what would you like for appetizers?
+Oooh, appetizers.
+Well Homer, you seem to be a trencherman. What should we serve?
+Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup -- it tastes like ketchup. But brother it ain't ketchup!
+Well, Selma, he makes a good case.
+Get whatever you want. It all tastes like styrofoam to me.
+Selma, dear -- I'm confused.
+Well, when I was a kid we were playing with bottle rockets, and one shot straight up my nose. I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell.
+Okay, we've got cocktail wienies and Swedish meatballs.
+Selma, this wedding is spinning out of control. Can we really afford it? I've already run through eight of the ten dollars they gave me when I left prison.
+Hey relax, I told ya I got money. I bought stock in a mace company just before society crumbled.
+Selma, that's wonderful. I just hope people don't think I'm marrying you for your money, instead of your... less tangible qualities.
+Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger. Isn't it grand?
+Hey, Bob. Give some of that honey this way.
+Holy frijoles! We've got ten minutes till MacGyver! Driver, here's a fin. Get me home and don't spare the whip.
+Whatever you say, mum.
+What did I miss?
+MacGyver was wearing a tank top.
+Why Selma, I thought I was the only man in your life.
+Sit down and shut up.
+Thank you, Señor MacGyver. You saved our village.
+Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.
+That MacGyver's a genius.
+Ah, that's sweet.
+First of all he's not a genius, he's an actor. And second, he's not much of an actor.
+You're lying! You're lying!
+No Selma, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch.
+He was so cruel... The things he said, they're just not true.
+There, there...
+Oh well, I guess the wedding's off. Fiddle dee dee, tomorrow's another day.
+Bart! Stop that.
+No, he's right. We're a package. Love me, love MacGyver. I guess the wedding's off.
+Selma, I don't know what to say.
+Just tell me you like MacGyver.
+Very well. I... I... I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked on.
+Oh, would you two knock it off? I hate all the programs Marge likes. But it's no big deal. You know why?
+Whenever Marge puts on one of her nonviolent programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I down a few, and I stumble home in the mood for love.
+Very well, Selma, whenever you watch MacGyver, I'll take a vigorous constitutional and return more in love with you than ever.
+Oh Bob.
+Bart no like. Bad medicine.
+I could've been the flower girl. And I wouldn't keep falling down either.
+Hey, they chose Maggie, okay?
+Yeah, well if they want to go for cutesiness instead of competence, fine.
+Do you Bob, take Selma, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part?
+Hey, Wiener Boy... Where do you think you're going?
+I'm the only single girl left in the family.
+Well, I guess it could be worse.
+SHUDDUP!
+Oooh, there's Krusty the Clown! Krusty, Krusty, say something funny.
+Uh... gee, a joke. hmmm, yeah, funny... Okay, this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a twelve inch pianist -- Oh, no wait, I can't tell that one... Oh, oh.
+Dear friends, forty one years ago, God took one hundred and sixty-eight pounds of clay and he made me a woman. And for this, I thank Him.
+I just wanted to say, on the advice of my new husband, I've decided to give up smoking.
+... Except for after meals and after MacGyver.
+Why Selma dear, you'll bury us all.
+Chief Wiggum, you've been around. You don't trust Sideshow Bob, do you?
+Ahh, lighten up, son. If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the No. 1 cop in town? Now, where did I put my gun? Oh, yeah. I set it down when I got a piece of cake...
+I don't know what to say.
+Just tell me what you know I want to hear.
+I'm dying of jealousy.
+Thank you.
+That's right dear, enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you, and the honeymoon is going to be... murder.
+Welcome to our video honeymoon. We're using the video camera Cousin Dot gave us and the video cassette Homer gave us.
+Hey, and after we watch this, we can tape over it.
+There's Shelbyville Falls... Rolling Rock... And here's another breathtaking sight -- my brand new hubby.
+I wanted a room with a fireplace you brainless luggage monkey! Like the one in your brochure!
+Oh, Selma dear, I was just chatting with my good friend, Dennis. Now, smile for the camera. That's a good lad.
+Ah, fire: scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows, eradicator of deadwood... Oh Selma dear, you and your little camera. What do you say we shut it off for a while?
+And make love?
+Why would Sideshow Bob go so nuts over a fireplace?
+Because he wants his honeymoon to be romantic.
+Romantic? With Aunt Selma?
+I guess you're just too young to understand.
+One of my fillings fell out.
+Even murder has its ugly side.
+Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet?
+Darling, you make it sound like a chore.
+Hmm, uh, good...
+Soon I will kill you.
+"Son pied sentis beau". French, for "Her foot smells lovely".
+Prepare to be murdered.
+Be pah de be mudu. That's Sanskrit for your toes are like perfume. Voy a matar a usted.
+That's Spanish for, I'm going to kill you.
+Say what?
+Why dear, I do believe it's time for your beloved MacGyver.
+Oh, hey, you're right.
+Well, time for my walk.
+Don't forget to die.
+Ding dong. I was feeling kind of lonely without Selma. Mind if I watch TV with you?
+Go ahead, Patty.
+Tonight on MacGyver...
+Aunt Selma has one hour to live!
+Hey, down in front.
+Good bye.
+Front desk? There's been a terrible accident in my room.
+Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening AND THEN I WENT AND SPOILED IT ALL BY DOING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE EXPLODE YOU.
+Sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here are the good people at Best Western Hotels.
+You tried to kill me. I want a separation.
+My best laid plans have gang aglay!
+Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser?
+Well no, frankly, but that never stopped us before.
+Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web?
+Yeah, Bart. Fill us in.
+Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job.
+No, no, please. It's the only way I'll learn.
+All right. Sideshow Bob seemed so desperate to get that fireplace. But why? Then it hit me -- the gas.
+Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak -- except Aunt Selma.
+I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell.
+She happily watched her MacGyver, unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark... say, from a cigarette...
+I decided to give up smoking... except for after meals, and after MacGyver.
+Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.
+Dad, when Aunt Selma lights up her cigarette at the end of MacGyver, she'll be blown to kingdom come!
+Come again?
+After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom and we were on our way.
+To the Simpson mobile!
+But wait! If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
+I'll field that one. Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene.
+Oh, right, the gas.
+I'll be back! You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever! And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies!
+I feel like such a fool.
+Well, he fooled almost everyone. But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
+Thanks, Mom. Now. Let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate.
+Hey Homer, let's book! I want to get there in time to whip eggs at the warm-up act.
+Wow, my concert going jacket still fits. And this is where I used to hide my beer.
+Billy Beer!
+My little guy's first rock concert. I hope the Spinal Taps don't play too loud.
+Oh Marge, I went to thousands of heavy metal concerts and it never hurt me.
+Hmmm, well, all right, but make sure they don't pick up any of the band's attitudes towards women... liquor... religion... politics... really anything.
+I hear ya. Come on boy.
+There goes Davy Crocket in his bald skin cap.
+In other Spinal Tap news, Mayor Quimby honored the aging super group in a ceremony at City Hall.
+I guess you could say he was trying to tap into the spines of the young voters, huh?
+... Yeah... Let's play the tape.
+Hey Milhouse, cool jacket!
+It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe Comics.
+Now, just meet me back here after the show.
+Thanks, Dad. Sure you're not gonna be bored?
+Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the back seat of a car.
+Oh, Baby!
+Official "Tour '92" T-shirts, thirty-one dollars.
+Uh, yeah, I don't wanna lie to you boys. Six days a week, the place is a hockey rink.
+Check it out. Spinal Tap kicking Mo-mar Kadaffy in the butt. The timeless classic, now two for a dollar.
+Hey hey hey, Bill and Marty here.
+And we're backstage rappin' with the Tap.
+Fellows, I'm gonna hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout your career: washed-up.
+Yet here you are among the top one hundred and five concert acts today. What's your secret guys?
+Well, after the Berlin Wall fell, our records started selling on the dismal side of the Iron Curtain, and naturally that gave us a boost.
+We're very big in Bulgaria, and wassisname, the other garia.
+Hungaria.
+Yeah, whoever.
+I can't think of anyone who's benefited more from the death of Communism than us.
+Oh, maybe the people who actually live in the Communist countries.
+Oh yeah, hadn't thought of that. I bet you're right.
+Yeah, on the other hand, each of us just bought out own soccer team. How many Hungarias can say that, eh?
+Test... test...
+Gee, I'm sorry, man.
+About the frisbee.
+Frisbee?
+Say guys, I wonder if you'd mind recording a couple of promos for us.
+Well, like what?
+Maybe you could say, "Nobody rocks like Bill and Marty on KBBL."
+Well, we don't know that, do we?
+What if somebody rocks as good as you?
+Or better. I mean, we don't want to look stupid.
+Okay, we can respect that.
+How about "Rock-a-doodle-do, you're listening to Bill and Marty."
+Yeah, sure.
+That's good... yeah.
+Tap! Tap! Tap! Tap! Tap! Tap!
+I just looked out, and there's puddles of water all over the freakin' stage!
+I said slag off!
+Yeah, well this is a rock concert, not the bleedin' ...Splish Splash show!
+Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Duff Beer, in association with Laramie Cigarettes, is proud to welcome... SPINAL TAP!
+WE ARE THE CHILDREN WHO GREW TOO FAST...
+WE ARE THE DUST OF THE FUTURE PAST...
+WE RAISE OUR VOICES IN THE NIGHT/ CRYING TO HEAVEN...
+AND WILL OUR VOICES BE HEARD/ OR WILL THEY BREAK LIKE THE WIND!
+Medium setting!
+Thank you!
+All riiiight! This morning we were driving down... Route 401...
+That's only four miles from my house!
+And we thought they knew how to rock in Shelbyville...
+But nobody rocks like...Springfield!
+Well, it seems some silly twit did not get a big enough oxygen pump, but that's supposed to be a devil.
+Filled up with air, it's very evil and impressive.
+We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord.
+Y'know, people think there are only five members of Spinal Tap, but they're wrong.
+Could we turn up the house lights please? That was the cue to turn up the house lights, so we can tell the audience they're the sixth member of the freakin' group.
+We are trying to put a tiny thrill into their gray little lives. Oh, forget it, turn on the lasers.
+Aagh! My vision!
+That's it. Show's over.
+Goodnight, Springton. There will be no encores.
+They were only on for twenty minutes!
+What a gyp!
+Gnarly show, man.
+Wanna trash the stage?
+Knock it off.
+THERE WAS A LITTLE SPANISH FLEA... A RECORD STAR HE THOUGHT HE'D BE... HE HEARD OF SINGERS LIKE BEATLES... THE CHIPMUNKS HE'D SEEN ON TV... WHY NOT A LITTLE SPANISH FLEA? AND SO HE HID... INSIDE A DOG...
+Tonight a city weeps as, for the first time ever, a hockey arena becomes a scene of violence --following a concert by Spinal Tap.
+Hmmm, I hope my poor little baby's okay.
+See for yourself.
+Of course, it would be wrong to suggest that this sort of mayhem began with rock and roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's "The Magic Flute". So what's the answer? Ban all music? In this reporter's opinion the answer, sadly, is yes.
+Hi, Mom.
+Oh, oh... thank God!
+Mom, I want to be a rock star.
+We'll discuss it later. Is Milhouse okay?
+I'll be right back.
+Help! Help!
+Homer, I've been thinking about what Bart said. If he's really interested in being a musician, maybe we should BUY him A GUITAR.
+Well, that's a waste of money. We already have a guitar.
+I meant a real guitar.
+This is real.
+And it came with a free instruction book.
+Now boy, we spent a lot of money. So you better get real good real fast or pow!
+Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him.
+I'd like to play me latest chart-topper. It's called "Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs."
+Bart, you've got to go on.
+Slag off!
+You've changed, man. You used to be about the music.
+I'se just jammin' with you.
+Hey, Simpson, what are you trying to play?
+Polly Wolly Doodle.
+Oh yeah, well it sounds Polly Wolly Crappy. Haw haw! Burn.
+Hey, cherry axe, Bart-dude.
+I think it's broken.
+Oh, really? Give it here.
+I didn't know you played the guitar, Otto-man!
+Hey, that's all I did in high school. My old man said I was wasting my time and I'd never amount to anything.
+Now I'd like to slow things down a little bit...
+IF I LEAVE HERE TOMORROW... WOULD YOU STILL REMEMBER ME?
+...CANNOT CHAEAEAEANGE... WAOWAOWAOWAOW...
+Although I'm sure I will receive a severe wedgie from my bus mates, I must remind you we should have been at school ten minutes ago.
+Whoooa!
+Uh oh. Better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
+We don't have seatbelts.
+Huh... well then, just try to go limp.
+Better take a shortcut.
+Good show last night.
+Yeah, quite good.
+Good Lord! Did anyone get the license number?
+Oh, it's a miracle no one was hurt.
+I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.
+Let's see your license, pal.
+No can do. Never got one. But if you need proof of my identity, I wrote my name on my underwear.
+Oh, wait, these aren't mine.
+Well, that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay.
+Who's gonna drive the bus?
+I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. I think I can handle it.
+Where's Otto?
+Otto. That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for awhile.
+Off we go!
+HAIL TO THE BUS DRIVER, BUS DRIVER, BUS DRIVER / HAIL TO THE BUS DRIVER, BUS DRIVER MAN.
+HE DRINKS AND HE CUSSES / HE STINKS UP THE BUSSES/HAIL TO THE BUS DRIVER, BUS DRIVER MAN! HA HA!
+Dum de dum... There's an opening. Too late!... Nope... Nope... That'd be cutting it a little close.
+I think you have to be more aggressive, sir.
+Nonsense. One of our good citizens will slow down and wave me in.
+What's so funny?
+I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the toaster.
+We'll watch the tape tonight. Oh look, you've got someone at your window.
+Dododo do do do.
+My name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?
+Yeah, one. Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded.
+I won't be needing this.
+All right! Yeah!... So, how'd I do?
+Well, you failed every segment and misspelled "bus" on your application.
+Let me in! Let me in!
+HE STEPS ON THE CLUTCH, AND THE TOILET GOES FLUSH / HAIL TO THE--
+Hey Landlord, some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice.
+Yeah, that was me.
+You! But... but why?
+Because you haven't paid your rent.
+Well, can I at least get my stuff?
+All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.
+Wow, I had mustard?
+Rough day, Apu. Pump me a Squishee and don't spare the syrup.
+Perhaps you'd like to try an experimental flavor of my own concoction. A delicious Chutney-Squishee.
+Uh... okay.
+You can really taste the chutney.
+Uggh...
+Otto-man?
+You're living in a dumpster?
+Oh, man, I wish. "Dumpster" brand trash bins are top of the line. This is just a "Trash-Co" waste disposal unit.
+Otto, why don't you come home with me? You can stay in our garage.
+A garage?! Oh, somebody up there likes me.
+I FEEL LIKE ROCKIN' SO I THINK I WILL / I'LL ROCK IT, ROCK IT, ROCK IT 'TIL I GET MY FILL... YEAH!
+Ooh! Hey.
+Bart, what's going on?
+Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
+What conversation?
+Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants? He sure can!
+Marge, what were you thinking?
+That's not my voice!
+Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.
+I don't understand this. Why can't you stay with your parents?
+The admiral and I don't get along. Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go.
+Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad and it's not gonna work for you.
+Dad, Otto's going through a real tough time. Can't he stay with us for awhile?
+I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me...?"
+Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy... hut"?
+Please, Dad. If you let Otto stay, he'll help around the house, and chip in a few bucks whenever he can.
+All right. He can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage.
+Wow, what's the catch?
+A can of corn costs... fifty-seven cents!
+I could sure go for a can of corn.
+Otto, you can't just sit there watching TV all day.
+You know, you're right. I should do a little reading. You got any of those "Where's Waldo" books?
+How about anything written from the Vampire's point of view?
+Well, how 'bout anything where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks?
+Otto, I think you should get a job.
+Look, the only thing I was ever good at was driving a bus and now "the man" says I need a piece of paper to do that.
+So get that piece of paper!
+I tried -- Oh, Lord, how I did try.
+Will you knock it off! I can't hear myself think.
+That's better. Hey, how come you never play your guitar anymore?
+I'll tell you the truth, Dad. I wasn't good at it right away, so I quit. I hope you're not mad.
+You can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I ever met.
+Uh-huh.
+Son, come here. Heh, heh, heh. Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
+What's on?
+It doesn't matter.
+Open up! Open up! I gotta go and no fooling.
+Hey, Pop 'N'Fresh. You're supposed to giggle.
+That guy has gotta go.
+I know how you feel, but he is good with the kids.
+... So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind.
+So finally she swerves off the road into the woods and lost the other car. And that's when she realized the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No, he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!
+Did the maniac kill her?
+Natch! And you know how I know?
+Because... I was that maniac!
+Hey, hey, I was just kidding.
+That's it. He's outta here.
+But Homer, we're the only family he's got...
+I don't care. This is not "Happy Days" and he is not the Fonz.
+Heyyy, Mr. S...
+Listen you drain clogging, last cookie-eating, collect call-getting sponge, I want you out of my house!
+What are you going to do, Otto?
+Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.
+Well, before you do that, maybe you should take the driving test again.
+Oh, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time; this time I'm hung over.
+Wow! I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one but... I'll do it!
+"Alcohol increases your ability to drive." False? Oh, man.
+I don't know about this Bart dude. Your dad is right, I am a bum.
+He didn't call you a bum, he called you a sponge.
+Sponge?!
+Does this look like something a sponge would do I'll show him who's a sponge.
+Well, if it isn't Wee Willy Washout.
+I want to take the test again.
+So I can staple my license to Homer Simpson's big bald head.
+Really? Well, here's your written test.
+I'll get you started. B, C, D, A, B.
+Homer had a piece of food on his face for three days.
+It wasn't little either. It was a chicken wing.
+What was that?
+It doesn't matter. Let's get some Margaritas. I'm buyin'!
+That's what my driver's license says.
+HAIL TO THE BUS DRIVER, BUS DRIVER, BUS DRIVER...
+Yes, hail to the bus driver... Bus Driver Man!
+Why you little...
+What the...
+Hey, Bart, look at this. My dad took me to Circus of Values last night and said I could get anything I wanted.
+Cool! An oversized novelty billiard ball.
+Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future.
+Will I pass my English test?
+"Outlook not so good." Wow! It does work!
+Let me try. Will I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes."
+That ball knows everything.
+Hey, I got a good one. Will Milhouse and I be friends till we're toothless old men with hair coming out of our ears? READING BALL, SURPRISED) "Don't count on it." Will Milhouse and I be friends when we're high school dropouts living off Uncle Sucker? "It looks doubtful." Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?
+What could come between two bestest buddies like us?
+Samantha I've always been suspicious of transfer students... Other principals try to unload problem cases that way... Lord knows I do.
+I'm a good student, Principal Skinner.
+Yeah sure, and they told me I'd get a big parade when I got back from 'Nam. Instead they spat on me. I can still feel it searing. So, now let's just see what the permanent record has to say, shall we?
+Hmm... no detention... fairly good attendance record... Oh, I see you beat that bed wetting problem in the second grade.
+That's in there?
+Don't worry. They'll forget. Just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for eighteen agonizing months. Every night I'd wake up screaming. Well, let's meet your classmates.
+Hey Bart, was this thing right about your test?
+To those who doubt the power of the Magic 8-Ball, I say "Behold my "F!"
+Attention class, I have a new student for you.
+Great, another student. Just keep packing 'em in, Seymour.
+I think we should discuss this later, Edna. Now, it's never easy to come to a new school, so let's make her feel right at home. Please say a big elementary school hello to Samantha Stinky.
+Stanky.
+Oh, right. How embarrassing for you. Well, goodbye.
+I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear.
+Uh-huh.
+So why don't you stand up in front of the class and tell us about yourself? I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
+We just moved here from Phoenix. My Dad owns a home security company. He came to Springfield because of its high crime rate and lackluster police force. All my friends are back in Phoenix, and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to -- but I'm not.
+It'll take you about six weeks, dear.
+Hey, Milhouse, would you like a wet willie?
+Victim number four. Hey, Lewis, can I interest you in a wet willie?
+When I find out who hit me with that ball... I'm gonna tear 'em a new...
+Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy target for every smooth talking Lothario with his own car and tight jeans, I will now show a short sex education film.
+Ezekiel and Ismail, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.
+Bo-ring!
+She's faking it.
+Any questions?
+Mrs. Krabappel, how come you don't live with Mr. Krabappel?
+Because Mr. Krabappel chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.
+How do we know when we fall in love?
+Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone.
+How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey type creature?
+I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
+God shmod, I want my monkey-man.
+Ah, that's a nice dress.
+My dad makes me wear it. I hate it.
+Well, I hate it too. Uh -- can I walk you home?
+Everybody on, but no shoving. Just kiddin', you can shove all you want.
+Hey, wait Otto-man, you can't leave. Milhouse isn't here yet.
+Sorry Bart-dude, no time. My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar from four fifteen to four twenty.
+Hey, Bart.
+Milhouse, what a pleasant surprise.
+Hey, what's with the skirt?
+I've brought friends to this treehouse before.
+Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?
+Maybe I should go.
+So long stomach. We've had a lot of great memories.
+No, that's okay. You can stay. You can read comics with us. Let's see, something for the lady...ah, "Radioactive Man Vs. the Swamp Hag.
+Got any girl comics? Like "Bonnie Craine, Girl Attorney," "Punkin & Duncan, the Twinkle Twins," or "L'il Kneesocks?"
+No, but my sister's got a wide selection of crappy comics.
+you guys wanna see something gross?
+Tonight on Smartline -- "I'm Okay, You're Too Fat". Here's your host, Kent Brockman.
+Good evening. Did you know that thirty-four million American adults are obese? Taken together, that excess blubber could fill the Grand Canyon two-fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind it is a very big canyon.
+This sucks. Where is that channel changer?
+Oh, eh, I'll give it a chance.
+Americans have grown up with the image of the jolly fat man. Dom DeLuise, Alfred Hitchcock, and of course, Santa Claus. But in real life, Santa would be suffering from gallstones, hypertension, impotence, and diabetes.
+I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
+We've got to widen the hole.
+Well, make it snappy. The chain's startin' to give!
+We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham and a fried egg. We call it the "Good Morning Burger!"
+I gotta help him.
+Okay, Milhouse... I'll trade your Carl Yastrzemski baseball card for my Omar Vizquel.
+Deal! Next on the trading block, your Mickey Mantle -- 1958, mint condition -- for my picture of Homer on the couch.
+Milhouse, I gotta go.
+My dad thinks I'm having my braces examined.
+Well, you kinda-sorta are.
+Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running. Besides, what's so great about kissing?
+Bart, it's not just the kissing. A lot of it is waitin' to kiss. You know like when you open an Eskimo Pie and you wait just a little bit for it to melt?
+But she doesn't melt.
+Oh yes she does!
+We start with pure milk chocolate...
+Chocolate...
+Add a layer of farm-fresh honey...
+Ooh, sweet.
+Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar...
+And dip it in rich creamery butter.
+Dad, what if I told you, you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger?
+I'd say "You're a lying scumbag." Why sweetie?
+According to Eternity Magazine you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is subtly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
+Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich, creamery butter.
+They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep. As you hear new-age music, a powerful message goes to your brain, telling you to eat less.
+Lose weight and listen to new-age music? Wow! What do you think, Marge?
+Oh, Homer, I love you just the way you are. Lisa, what's that number?
+Operator, I'd like to place an order for my husband.
+Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking, learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations...
+Hmmm... Hostage negotiations.
+Listen, Tabouli, we're ignoring all of your demands. What do you say to that?
+Better give me the weight loss tape.
+We're out of "Subliminally Slim."
+Eh, just send him the vocabulary builder.
+Here you go, fatso.
+Hello, this is Doctor Marvin Monroe "Let's build your vocabulary" A: abattoir: slaughterhouse. "The cow was slaughtered in the abattoir."
+Homer, has the weight-loss tape reduced your appetite?
+Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
+Don't you usually play with Milhouse after school?
+He has a girlfriend.
+Milhouse?
+Yeah, all they do is kiss.
+How cute. They don't open their mouths do they?
+How cute.
+Hey Martin.
+Bart? This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by twenty minutes.
+Listen Martin, right now I'm looking for a friend who won't leave me for a girl.
+That's me. I'm just as unpopular with the ladies as I am with the chaps.
+Yeah, right. Anyway... do you want to do something after school?
+It's a date. Everyone, Bart and I would like to announce that we are friends!
+Now Bart, would you care to listen to me play the lute?
+Uh, sure.
+"COME HOME MY BONNIE WARRIOR, / FOR NOW THE NETS ARE FULL OF FISH --"
+I don't know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight.
+Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.
+There's another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about...
+Tut tut, gentle Marge. For here in the boudoir, the gourmand metamorphasizes into the voluptuary!
+What in God's name are you talking about?
+Hey, guys.
+Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants.
+Man, I could sure go for a snack.
+Me too.
+Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't the three of us go spit on the Principal's car?
+Listen, Bart... there's such a thing as spendin' too much time together.
+Oh. Fine. I'm tired of watching you two lip wrestle. There's plenty of other ways to be grossed out in this town.
+Bart, wait!
+Uh... can we still use your tree house?
+What? Get bent.
+If her father catches us -- he'll kill her.
+All right, Milhouse. You can use my tree house.
+Thanks, Bart.
+Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree, about to lose their pri-va-cy!
+Now there's a Machiavellian countenance.
+Ooh...a sextet of ale.
+Hello, Mr. Stanky... I have some shocking news about your daughter Samantha... Who am I? Let's just say I'm a concerned prude with a lot of time on his hands.
+I bet you had peanut butter for breakfast.
+Yeah...
+Samantha!
+Nooooooooooo!
+Samantha, you're my little girl and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened.
+Well, Milhouse and I --
+That's enough! I'm putting you in an all girls school. You're never going to see that boy again.
+Milhouse!
+Samantha!
+Well Milhouse, "'Tis better to have loved and lost"... yada yada yada... let's go to the arcade.
+How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
+Haruspicy: Predicting the future through the study of animal entrails.
+Dad! Dad! Do you know what today is?
+The vernal equinox?
+No. It's two weeks since you got that subliminal weight loss tape. Let's get you on the scale.
+You've gained thirteen pounds.
+Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!
+There stands a broken man.
+It's recess everywhere but in his heart.
+Hey Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man will have an extra finger.
+Five fingers? Ew, freak show. Listen, Lis. I need some advice and mom's not here.
+Why didn't you go to dad?
+I did, but I couldn't understand what the hell he was saying. Lisa, I feel terrible. I ratted on my best friend and he doesn't even know I did it.
+Well, according to "Eternity" magazine, the feeling of guilt has been linked to the neutrotransmitter gammaphenamine. Dow chemical is developing a minty gel, which will eliminate excess guilt, but unfortunately it won't be on the market for another six months. So I guess you're gonna have to bite the bullet and confess to Milhouse.
+Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you.
+Milhouse?
+Bart, I didn't want you to see me cry.
+Oh, come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee. You cry when they're out of chocolate milk. You cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
+Well, I didn't want you to see me cry this time.
+Listen, Milhouse. I've got a confession to make. I'm the one who narked on your kissing.
+Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans.
+Whoa, it's a miracle!
+Boy, I bet the 8-ball didn't see that one comin'.
+Marge, where's that... metal dealie... you use to... dig... food.
+You mean a spoon?
+Yuh. Yuh. Yuh.
+Yeah that's good.
+Are you sure you want to do this?
+I can't stop thinking about her. Even these gates remind me of her braces.
+How are we going to find her?
+She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.
+Milhouse!
+Samantha, I went to Circus of Values to buy you a ten gallon tub of Gummy Bears.
+Hey Samantha, I'm sorry about gettin' you thrown in the penguin house.
+That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian's. It's run by a group of French Canadian nuns. They're very nice, except they never let me out.
+Dominique - nique - nique, etc.
+Samantha, ne pas de boys!
+I have to go now, Milhouse.
+I'd better not. It's fifty rosaries a kiss.
+Oh, okay.
+Oh, what the heck.
+Bart, think I can ever find another one like her?
+You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse. They all look alike to me. Now let's go whip donuts at old people
+Forgot there was a physical today, huh?
+Yeah. Hey, Homer, can I borrow your underwear?
+This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat!
+Hey, no eating in the tank!
+Go to hell.
+How was your day at work, dear?
+Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough...
+Sir, I'm afraid Homer Simpson is sterile.
+One of your cabbage heads from Sector 7-G. Take a look at this sperm sample from his recent physical.
+Now, compare this with a normal sperm sample.
+Hm. Oh yes.
+I'm afraid radiation from the plant is the reason he's shooting blanks. He could sue us for millions.
+Mother of pearl. Call my lawyers!
+Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice. I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers. You live on personal injury. You live on divorces. You live on pain and misery...... but I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
+I'll have some coffee.
+Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart! It's so hard for me to listen to you, I hate you all so much... I'm sorry. It's my problem. I'll deal with it. Please continue.
+If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum -- say, a couple thou -- he'll be so dazzled, he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.
+Oh, brilliant. A cash settlement. I could have figured that out, you button-down maggot.
+Do you have any cream?
+Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?
+Yeah... I used to be rich. I owned "Mickey Mouse Massage Parlors". Then those Disney sleezeballs shut me down. I said, "Look, I'll change the logo, put Mickey's pants back on". Some guys you just can't reason with.
+Well, I used to own a successful car company. My strategy was givin' them Japanese names. You guys ever drive a Tempura Hatchback?
+Yeah, life was sweet. Then I found out I had a long lost half- brother.
+I let him design a car that would make or break my company.
+Presenting... The Homer!
+I'm ruined!
+Forbes Magazine called it the "Blunder of the Century." A little overblown, don't you think? What about new Coke?
+Hey, I invented that.
+Yeah, but all that's in the past. Because this is America and in America you're never finished as long as you've got a brain in your head. Because all a man really needs is an idea.
+Well, I'm lit.
+Me too.
+And now, the next event...in our Living Room Olympics... the always controversial, couch vault. I do this for Stain Master Carpets. Proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics.
+What the hell are you two...
+Oh, my couch! The arms, the seat... the dream is over. All right, who did this?
+We were just sitting on the couch, quietly chatting, when we heard a creaking noise.
+We leapt off just in time to see it collapse.
+There, there. You're safe now, little sister.
+Well, why did this have to happen now, during primetime, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine!?
+Oh, goodbye, old girl. We've had a lot of great memories.
+"That's right, I shot J.R."
+"Except for huge gaps in the Western states, Hands Across America was a complete success."
+Hands across America...
+"Well, I never thought I'd see it. They're dancing on the Berlin Wall. These lithe and lively lovers of liberation..."
+Boring.
+Sorry I ruined your date Sergeant Carter.
+Well friend, you're going back where you came from. The curb in front of Flanders' house.
+Let's see, I need an idea... idea... idea... What's the matter with me? I used to have hundreds of ideas.
+What do you want? I just changed your diaper. Are you hungry? Are you cold? Do you want to go home?
+Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime. How do I thank you?
+Please don't hurt me.
+Consider it done.
+Hey pal, I heard about the couch.
+Yeah, you gonna to be okay?
+Yeah. You know, my life just can't get any worse.
+That's right. There's no way my life could possibly get any worse.
+Simpson! Report to Mr. Burns' office at once!
+Is this the one with the lazy sperm?
+Hmmm hmmm.
+Ah, Simpson, you big virile son-of-a- gun. How would you like a check for two-thousand dollars?
+Would I!
+All you have to do is sign this form.
+Wait a minute. I'm not signing anything until I read it, or somebody gives me the gist of it.
+All right, well, it just explains that you've won -- yes, that's it -- won the first annual... uh... Montgomery Burns... uh... Award for... a-a-a Outstanding Achievement in...a-a th... th.. the field of... uh, Excellence!
+Don't I get some kind of trophy? At a big award ceremony?
+IT'S THE FIRST ANNUAL MONTGOMERY BURNS/ AWARD FOR --,its the first annual montgomery burns award for --,9
+17668,59,88,Men Singers: (SINGING) OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN -,450000,true,826,636,Men Singers,Springfield Civic Center,OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN -,outstanding achievement in -,4
+17669,59,89,Female Singers: (SINGING) THE FIELD OF --,454000,true,827,636,Female Singers,Springfield Civic Center,THE FIELD OF --,the field of --,4
+17670,59,90,Singers: (SINGING) EXCELLENCE!
+Yess... that was Bonita De Wolf and the Springfield Nuclear Plant Soft Shoe Society.
+This Award is the biggest farce I ever saw.
+What about the Emmys?
+I stand corrected.
+And now to present the award, here's former heavyweight champion, Smokin' Joe Frazier.
+Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent". And now, the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award For Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.
+Please please please please please...
+Dad, you know you won.
+Don't jinx it!
+The winner... Homer Simpson!
+Oh, my God!! Woo hoo! I win!
+Keep those pickled eggs comin', Moe.
+You cleaned me out Smokin' Joe. What's the matter Homer? Cummerbund too tight?
+I miss my couch.
+I know how you feel. You lost a couch. I lost a heavyweight championship.
+Pfft! Heavyweight championship. There's like three of those. That couch was one of a kind.
+Homer, I know things are tough now. But one day you'll be walking along and you'll see a piece of furniture that you can love just as much.
+Hey, Frazier, shut up!
+Barney, you've been riding my back all night.
+Oh yeah? Care to step outside?
+Let's do it.
+I think I'm gonna take a walk.
+All right! A peanut!
+I'm telling you, all a man needs is an idea. And I've got an idea.
+Then how come you're still a bum?
+All right. A man needs two things, an idea and money to get it off the ground. Hello, what's this?
+"Local man, Homer Simpson, receives award and $2,000 check." Hmmm... Any of you guys know which freight goes to Springfield?
+Uh-uh. Nope. Nope. That's the one.
+I feel so empty. So alone, so... couchless.
+Wow. The Spine Melter 2000.
+Give me full power.
+But sir...
+Dammit, I said full power!
+Dad? Dad?
+I'll take it.
+This chair is $2,000. We could buy a whole living room set for that.
+Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service. But those were dead ends. I think this chair is the answer.
+This money was a blessing. We can't just spend it on some creature comfort.
+All right, we won't get the chair. Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.
+Oh... uh... sorry, I must have the wrong house.
+Ho, ho, that's where you're wrong, friend.
+Aren't we in luck? Today's our tithe day and we've got ourselves a transient. Come in my friend. Let us feed and bathe you.
+Hey wait a minute...
+Dad, can I anoint the sores on his feet?
+I think it's Mom's turn, son.
+Ah, no fair.
+Thanks for the suit.
+Well, if you ever want to spend the night, Maude and I can sleep on card tables.
+ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS...
+"MARCHING AS TO WAR, ETC..."
+They're singing again. Lousy neighbors. Wish I was deaf.
+What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them...
+Unky Herb!
+Bart... Lisa. I'm so glad to see you.
+You weren't so glad to see me.
+I'm sorry, Homer. But I'm still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face.
+Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
+I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.
+Herb! How have you been?
+I've been living in a cardboard box, sleeping on grates, eatin' out of dumpsters. You?
+Can't complain.
+Herb, let me give you the grand tour. This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode.
+On... off... on... off.
+Homer, he knows how to work a light switch.
+Oh, yeah. Right. I don't know what this switch does.
+This is really great, Marge.
+I got the recipe from the Utility Grade Beef Counsel.
+They do good work.
+Unky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy who will most likely become a bum like yourself?
+Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.
+Lisa, aren't you happy to see me?
+Why didn't you write, Unky Herb?
+Hey if I wrote to you what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow thanks to your pop.
+I see your point.
+WHETHER YOU'RE DRIVING NEAR OR FAR / POWELL MAKES A POW-POW-POWERFUL CAR!
+Maggie, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You're gonna make me rich again. Yes-oo are! Yes-oo are!
+One, two, three... Ventnor Avenue.
+And while on Ventnor Avenue you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel Lisa. A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble. Of course, there is the unpleasant matter of the bill.
+Get to the point.
+Eleven hundred and fifty bones.
+That's all I got.
+Broke again, eh Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.
+Maybe we should play another game.
+Why are we playin' games when we got two grand in the bank!? Remember when Dad won the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?
+Well, I think we should invest in a set of the great books of Western Civilization. Look at this ad from "New Republic for Kids." Each month a new classic will be delivered to our door: "Paradise Regained," "Martin Chuzzlewit," or Herman Melville's twin classics "Omoo" and "Typee".
+Wait, Marge. Didn't you want to spend that money on a vibrating chair?
+That was your idea.
+I think we should get a machine gun. We could use it to hunt game, spell out things, or ring in the new year!
+Well, I really think we need to replace the washer and dryer.
+How would you like to spend two thousand dollars to give a broken man a second chance?
+Homer, wait. Herb, what're you talking about?
+Up-up-up-up. Not here. Come into the dining room. I want to give you a twenty-minute presentation that will change the world.
+Twenty minutes?!
+Okay. Now, before I tell you about my idea, I'd like to show you this.
+It's drinking the water!
+Take it easy, Homer. Now this is an example of how one little idea -- carefully marketed...
+This is the greatest invention in the world! You'll make a million dollars!
+No, Homer. That invention is out already. I'm just using it as an example.
+It's going back for more!
+Homer, this is my invention.
+Now, of course, with these blueprints you'll have to use your imagination.
+Maggie! Maggie!
+It's a baby translator. It measures the pitch, the frequency, and the urgency of a baby's cries. Then it tells whoever's around -- in plain English -- exactly what the baby is trying to say. Everything from "Change me" to "turn off that damn Raffi record."
+That's a very clever idea!
+All I need is a couple thousand dollars to build a prototype. You'll have your money back in thirty days. I swear.
+I think we owe a debt to Unky Herb. He took us into his home and Dad destroyed him.
+Dad, you know some shyster's gonna bilk you out of your money. It may as well be your brother.
+All right, Herb, I'll lend you the two thousand bucks. But you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.
+Okay, then just give me the drinking bird.
+Now, let's see... What could you be trying to say? Nothing downstairs... You just took a nap...
+I want to suck your nose.
+Ooga booga! Ooga booga!
+I'm scared.
+Hmm... the amplitude of the sine wave is insufficient for "Burp Me", and this saw-tooth formation is something I've never...
+Eureka.
+Now, I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet.
+Not really. We peeked inside while you were in the john.
+Oh. Well, here it is again. My "Baby Translator!"
+Whoooa!!
+Marge, you don't have to humor me.
+Well, it's pretty ingrained.
+What do you think, Homer?
+Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.
+Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass!
+I try, but I can't.
+Lavish attention on me and entertain me.
+Maggie, you talked!
+You see! It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind.
+Never mind.
+Where did you go?
+Peek-a-boo!
+Oh, there you are. Very amusing.
+Well, Homer, now what do you think?
+I dunno, Herb. People are afraid of new things. You should have taken an existing product and put a clock in it or something.
+Homer, every mother in the country is going to want one of these.
+I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.
+I gave Herb all the money I had in the world... and still he treats me like something he dug out of his ear.
+Don't worry, he can't stay mad at you forever. He is your brother.
+Well, when is he gonna act like it?
+This radio controlled plane gives your baby the chance to fly, just like my son here. He can execute the barrel roll... loop-de-loop... then bring it in for the perfect landing.
+Whoop, oh dear. My wife is going to kill me.
+I only want to eat candy!
+Then that's all you'll get.
+This leash demeans us both.
+I'll take two.
+I'll take a dozen!
+I represent the "Precious Baby Discount Stores". I'll take 50,000.
+I'm rich again! USA! USA! USA!
+Homer, here's a check for two-thousand dollars. But I also wanted to give you each a little something for believing in me. Lisa, this is the first volume of The Great Books of Western Civilization. You'll receive a new one every month. From "Beowulf" to "Less Than Zero."
+Finally, a copy of "Ethan Frome" to call my own.
+Now Bart, I know you're too young for the machine gun you wanted. But I'm gonna give you something that'll make sure when you're old enough you can still buy one. A membership in the National Rifle Association.
+Wow! The NRA. Can I be get armor piercing cyanide-tipped bullets, too?
+It's in the Constitution, son.
+Maggie, who brought me my fortune I'll give you anything you want in this world.
+I want what the dog's eating.
+I'll get you somethin' nice. Now Marge...
+Herb, I appreciate your generosity, but I don't need any gift from you.
+You're too late, Marge. I got you a new washer and dryer. And I sold the old ones for fifty bucks.
+Come on washer!
+Oh, you stupid dryer!
+Herb, I don't think there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me.
+Homer, walk me to my car.
+What do I get? What do I get? It's not another punch in the face is it? Because if it is, I don't want it.
+This is what you get, Homer. I forgive you. You can call me brother and I can do the same.
+That's it?
+That's it.
+I see your point, brother.
+Gimme a hug, brother.
+All right... but I never really hugged a man before.
+Homer, I bought you the damn chair.
+That's enough already. Get outta here!
+Well, children, it's the last day of school.
+Here are your grades.
+Oh no, Mrs. Krabappel. If I don't get a C average, my Dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty.
+Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but, all right.
+Much obliged, doll.
+Oh Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you.
+Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction.
+Now let's trash this dump!
+Somebody put a torch to these permanent records! Quickly now.
+La-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la. La-la-...
+Wake up, boy.
+Oh, I dreamt it was the last day of school.
+Well it is.
+Oh how do I know this isn't some beautiful dream, too?
+You know, a pinch is more traditional.
+Homie, you do remember your promise to the children?
+Sure do. When you're eighteen, you're out the door.
+No, Dad. You promised if Bart and I got C averages we could go to Kamp Krusty. And with no false modesty, you're looking at one happy camper.
+Yeah. Well, just remember when you see my report card they got this whole new grading system this year. It now goes: D,B,A,C.
+Now listen, boy. We have an understanding and you'd better keep your end of it. I don't think I'd be any kind of a father if you got D's and I let you go to Kamp Krusty.
+But Dad...
+Son, if you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
+Woo-hoo!
+Attention students: please clear out your lockers into the waste baskets provided.
+36-24-36...
+Now let's see what we got here.
+Ah, my gym shorts.
+Bart, where's your bathing suit?
+I'm gonna swim nekkid.
+Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock.
+ARITHMETIC: A
+SOCIAL STUDIES: A
+CONDUCT: B+
+ENGLISH: A
+P.E.: A
+I've never gotten a B before.
+How could this have happened? I feel so dirty. Uh.. uh...uh. The dirt's not coming off. Okay. Calm down. This must just be a little typo.
+Oh Miss Hoover, there appears to be a mistake on my report card. You gave me a B+ in conduct.
+Now Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record.
+Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I think you should reconsider.
+Lisa... you're... hurting me.
+Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades, I hope you'll note that all of my textbooks are being returned in excellent condition. In some cases, still in their original wrappings.
+Duly noted.
+I'd also like to add as I gaze upon your beauty, I've never seen an angel fly so low.
+Forget it, short pants.
+Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a C average I can't go to Kamp Krusty.
+Have a "D"-lightful summer.
+Don't open your mouth.
+Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War Two ended!
+We won!
+You're what?
+Hmmm, I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon. Well, William, another school year gone by.
+And may I say a job well done, sir.
+Well, back to work then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. We want the old girls sparkling when I get back.
+Aye, sir.
+Ya silk-wearing buttercup...
+All right! Three whole months of Spaghetti-O's and daytime TV!
+So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty?
+You bet. Check out this hand. All aces!
+A+! Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?
+Hi kids! Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty!
+Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making, the whole megillah. And for you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results.
+And the best part is when you come to Kamp Krusty, you'll spend the summer with me. Honest Injun!
+Well, here goes nothin'.
+Stupid roller-skate.
+Well, dad, here's my report card. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
+A+? You don't think much of me, do you boy?
+No, sir.
+You know a D turns into a B so easily. You just got greedy.
+So I won't get to go to camp?
+Now, Bart. We made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades. And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake?
+You mean I can go?
+Yeah. I didn't want you hangin' around all summer anyway.
+Oh, Dad. You're the best father a boy could ever have!
+Thanks son. Now, you've got little hands. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate?
+Ah sure, there'll be a couple of uptight counselors who won't dig the Bart philosophy, but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.
+Marge, am I crazy, or is my back getting hairier?
+Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria, German Measles, encephalitis, Hansen's disease...
+Oh now, I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondria. There's only one known cure. A wowwy-pop.
+Don't patronize me, doctor.
+It's our last family dinner for six weeks, but I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
+Oh, I'm going to miss this.
+Hey, hands off my pickle.
+I don't see your name on it, boy.
+No, but...
+Oh yeah?
+Check... mate.
+Always thinking two moves ahead.
+We'll see you when you get back from Image Enhancement camp.
+Spare me your euphemisms. It's Fat Camp for Daddy's chubby little secret.
+You promised you wouldn't make a scene.
+Good-bye my special little guy. Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. Remember, "Leaves of 3, let it be.
+"Leaves of 4, eat some more."
+I'll write you every day.
+Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room all together.
+If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know!
+Hi kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty!
+I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then, I've turned things over to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world -- Mr. Black. I want you to treat Mr. Black with the same respect you would give me. Now, here's Mr. Black.
+Louder! Faster!
+He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.
+Thank you Krusty, and welcome children. I am Mr. Black, your head counselor. For the past fifteen years, I was President of Euro Krustyland... until it blew up. I'll take any questions you might have. You... and then uh, one more.
+Can we call you Uncle Blackie?
+No. Last question.
+When do we get to see Krusty?
+Ah, he will be along eventually. In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney will be happy to handle any problems you may have.
+Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker.
+You can have the shower to yourself, Homie. I'm finished.
+Oh no you're not.
+Ohhh...
+He-he-he.
+Here's your cabin. You don't like it, T.F.
+This is a little more rustic than I expected.
+I'm not worried, Lis. You know why? Because of this...
+The Krusty Brand seal of approval. You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards of Krusty the Clown.
+Aaaahhhh!
+Whoops, I should have warned you. That clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in.
+That's okay. Eh, all this stuff is fine. Now I'm off to Wimbledon!
+Don't we get to roast marshmallows?
+Shut up and eat your pine cone.
+Are you sure that's safe?
+Well, it ain't getting any safer!
+All right, you balls of pan drippings, I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores. We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.
+HAIL TO THEE KAMP KRUS-TY / BY THE SHORES OF BIG SNAKE LAKE / THOUGH YOUR SWINGS ARE RUS-TY / WE KNOW THEY'LL NEVER BREAK...
+FROM YOUR GLEAMING MESS-HALL / TO YOUR HOLLOW BASEBALL FIELD / YOUR SPIC AND SPAN INFIRMARY / WHERE ALL OUR WOUNDS ARE HEALED... / HAIL TO THEE CAMP KRUSTY / BELOW MT. AVALANCHE...
+WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE KAMP KRUSTY / A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF THE KRUSTY CORPORATION...
+You're serving us gruel?
+Not quite. This is "Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel." nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.
+Yo, Mr. Black, another brandy.
+To evil.
+Marge, since the kids left, I lost five pounds!
+Oh, that's wonderful.
+And look. New hair!
+I'm this close to having a comb-over!
+Lights out, losers.
+Yeah, we're meetin' some tail on the other side of the lake.
+I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
+We're all gonna die, Lis.
+I meant soon.
+So did I.
+Mmmm... strawberries. Ah, That's good. Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah!
+Point and game - Becker. And will the harlequin in the third row please keep his voice down.
+Sorry folks. Sorry, Your Majesty.
+Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well. We are doing great. Your father is in the best shape he's been since...well, ever.
+Size... right... agility!
+We miss you terribly. I hope these jelly bean cookies will tide you over until you get home.
+Hey Simpson, tell your mom her cookies sucked.
+Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty.
+Our nature hikes have become grim death marches.
+A snake bit me.
+Back in line, maggot.
+Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse.
+Come on, wimps, these Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.
+Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief that Krusty the clown will come through.
+Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming.
+But I am far more pessimistic.
+I am not sure if this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut.
+Giddyap.
+And now the effort of writing has made me lightheaded. So I close by saying, save us! Save us now! Bart and Lisa.
+Ah, kids' letters from camp.
+She complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.
+Lisa, I've been thinking it over, and next summer I am getting a job.
+Oh... Homer, it's getting late, we'll miss the fireworks.
+Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here.
+Well kids, uh, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland, Mr. Krusty the Clown.
+See, I told you Krusty would come. Just like I said, heh, heh. He's gonna bring us food and water and smite our enemies.
+Now I must tell you kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.
+Krusty looks fat.
+He's really having trouble keeping his balance.
+Tijuana!
+That's not Krusty the Clown.
+What do you think, I slapped a clown suit on some wino?
+Yeah, Bart, I am so Krunchy the Klown .
+All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heart beat from those Krusty brand vitamins; my Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8; and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving, with many glaring omissions. But this time he's gone too far. We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
+We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
+Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!
+I thought you said you broke their spirits.
+We did.
+You broke nothing!
+Let's get 'em!
+To the hydrofoil.
+My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!
+Ahh, sweet nourishing gruel!
+Kowalski!
+My brownies!
+Wiggum!
+A change of underwear!
+Crandall!
+My insulin!
+Bart, you said you were gonna name it "Camp Freedom."
+Ehh, this has more zing.
+I dub thee, Sir...
+There's a call for Mr. Clown.
+This'd better be important. Oy gavolt!
+Just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagas.
+We interrupt "Sadruddin Mabaradad's Yoga Party" for this special bulletin.
+"KRISIS AT KAMP KRUSTY".
+Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth:
+Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
+Burn, Krusty, burn. Burn, Krusty, burn.
+A group of school-age Spartacuses has taken this camp by force. Three counselors are missing and presumed scared. What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ring leader.
+Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.
+I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. Can I say "crappy" on TV?
+Yes, on this network you can.
+Are you and Princess Di just friends?
+You people make me sick. You're vultures. Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way you parasites. I said out of my way.
+I'm no fake, I am the real Krusty.
+Oh yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom, "President Clown"?
+I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.
+I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire.
+It is the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark, and his famous superfluous nipple.
+Well, at least you're not as bad as customs.
+How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
+They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!
+Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear.
+Oh my God.
+Well actually, the bear just ate his hat.
+Was it a nice hat?
+Oh yeah.
+Oh my God. Well, I'm gonna make it all up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your lives.
+Live, from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada: It's the Miss American Girl Pageant!
+Brought to you by Meryl Streep's "Versatility". Smell like Streep... For Cheap!
+I'm your host, Troy McClure. And now... here come the ladies!
+WE LEARNED THE TRUTH AT SEVENTEEN / THAT LOVE WAS MEANT FOR BEAUTY QUEENS...
+Like Miss South Dakota!... Miss North Carolina!... Miss Indiana!... Alaska!...
+Kids, I won't be home tonight, So I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable TV dinners.
+Yuh huh.
+Doh-kay.
+I'm auditioning for a play! It's a musical version of "A Streetcar Named Desire." Isn't that exciting?
+If you ask me they're all winners! We'll be cutting our first forty contestants right after this.
+Let's take a minute to meet our distinguished panel of judges. Skin care consultant, Rowena... Syndicated columnist, William F. George... Token Black Panelist, Drederick Tatum... and Mr. Bozwell, the man behind those infamous "Worst-Dressed Lists". Mr. Bozwell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list?
+Memo to Goldie Hawn: Cheerleading tryouts were thirty years ago. Let's grow up, shall we?
+He's such a bitch.
+I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults.
+Sounds interesting.
+You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie... and sometimes it's like I don't even exist.
+Sounds interesting.
+It's time to name our five finalists, starting with... Miss Montana!
+A beaut from Butte.
+Miss South Carolina!
+Nothin' could be finah.
+Miss Delaware!
+She, uh... Good for her.
+La-la-la-la-la-la-la.
+Marge keep it down in there.
+Homer, my audition is in half...
+Hey look, it's last year's winner, Deborah Jo Smallwood!
+Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end. And I'd like to apologize one last time for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations.
+Maggie! Cut that racket!
+And where exactly are you going?
+I'm auditioning for a play.
+Well, this is the first I've heard about it.
+I told you several times. It's a musical version of "A Streetcar Named..."
+Excuse me, Marge. I think that if you told me I would remember! I mean I'm not an idiot!
+Well... I thought I told you..
+Kids, back me up.
+He's right, mom.
+Match point, Homer.
+I'm sorry, Honey.
+That's okay. We're none of us perfect.
+Well, howdy-do neighbor.
+Hi, Ned. I didn't know you were an actor.
+Oh, indeedily-doodily. I've even been in "Streetcar" once before. I played Blanche DuBois! Hmmm huh. Just part of the fun of going to an all-male school.
+Hello, I am Llewellyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care. I'm planning for a fourth.
+Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
+Ah, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
+All right.
+I am not an easy man to work for. While directing "Hats Off to Hanukkah," I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review "Play Enjoyed By All" -- speaks for itself. Those auditioning for the role of Stanley... Take off your shirts.
+Take off your shirts! Deshabillez votre chemises! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!
+Uh huh... nope... try joining a gym... Oh ye Gods!
+Hey man, if you like that, you should see my butt.
+You. You're my Stanley.
+Hot diggity! How 'bout that, Marge? Li'l ol' Stanley me! "Stella!" "Stella!" Heh heh.
+Hey look me over...
+Won't you come home Bill Bailey...
+There's got to be a morning after...
+Love...
+Thank you for nothing. You're all terrible. What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche is a delicate flower being trampled by an uncouth lout. Forget it! Just strike the sets! Clear the stage! This production is...
+Homie, I didn't get the part... you were right, outside interests are stupid.
+Wait a minute.
+I'll come home right away. All right, I'll pick up a bucket of fried chicken... extra skin, rolls, chocolate cream parfait...
+Stop bothering my Blanche!
+I play an aging southern beauty who's driven to insanity by her brutish brother-in-law Stanley.
+Wow! My mother the actress. I feel like Lucie Arnaz-Luckinbill.
+Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?
+I don't think so.
+Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?
+No, Homer.
+My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella.
+I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.
+My name is Ot-to, and I'm playing Pab-lo.
+Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!
+I'm Marge Simpson, I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
+Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?
+I would.
+Stanley, you're, you're pulsing with animal lust. You take Blanche and fling her roughly to the bed.
+Roger-dodger.
+Aww... isn't that cute? And me without a camera.
+Here. My sister runs a day care center.
+Well, I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her.
+Maggie is allergic to strained pears, and she likes a bottle of warm milk before naptime...
+A bottle? Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby is saying when she reaches for a bottle?
+She's saying, "I am a leech." Our aim here is to develop the "bottle within."
+That sounds awfully harsh.
+Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to toot my own horn, but we're the only day center in town that's not currently under investigation by the state.
+Oh, well. Be a good girl, Maggie.
+I'm sorry Maggie, we don't allow these here.
+You're a dame and I'm a fella.
+Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella.
+Passion, Mrs. Simpson, anger! This man disgusts you!
+All I want is one embrace.
+I'll twist this bottle in your face...
+Here, Marge, let me. Hate to be an armchair Blanche, but I always gave it one of these...
+there, there's the ol' face-shredder!
+Mrs. Simpson, if you set out to push the bile to the tip of my throat... mission accomplished. I'm, I'm going to crawl into bed with a bottle of Amaretto. Good day.
+Is that true?
+Homer, can you run some lines with me?
+Make Bart do it.
+It'll just take a sec.
+Gutterball.
+You see, Marge, while you're off in your little world, you forgot that other people have problems too.
+Don't like to nap, eh? We have a place for babies like you... the box!
+All right, let ham-ateur night in Dixie commence.
+I'm sorry, Llewellyn. I just... I just don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's face. Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle, good humor?
+Marge, your ride's here.
+Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!
+You're a dame and I'm a fella.
+Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella.
+Marge! Marge! I'm asking for white hot rage and you're giving me a hissy fit!
+Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine?
+Oh here!
+Hey, there's quarters in here!
+I just don't see what's so bad about Stanley.
+Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud.
+Marge, every second you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen.
+Woo-hoo! Come to papa! Marge, I'll be out in the car.
+All I want is one embrace.
+Marge, move it or lose it!
+I'll twist this bottle in your face!
+Hallelujah! I've done it again! Ned, you're supposed to overpower her.
+I'm trying... I'm trying...
+Salt me.
+Heah you ah, Homah.
+Wha th... Why are you talking like that?
+The play's tomorrow night. Ah've got to stay in character.
+Hey, Mom, would it help if ah talked lahk this, too?
+It maght.
+An' oi'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate.
+That reahlly doesn't help, Baht.
+Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a li'l ol' biscuit?
+Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver.
+I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock.
+See you later, kids. Ah've got to go rehearse with Ned.
+But Marge, what about dessert?
+For God's sake, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding!
+Fine. I will!
+Oh no! My pudding is trapped forever. So I can open my own can of pudding, can I? Shows what you know, Marge!
+Maaaarge! Hey, Maaaaaarrrrge!
+Keep yelling, you big ape.
+Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie?
+Forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene!
+Let's not and say we did.
+So what time does this play start?
+Why? Are you going?
+Well I gotta, don't I?
+I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play... Oh wait, there is.
+Probably not much of it.
+Why can't you be a little more supportive?
+Because I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
+What kooky projects?
+You know, the painting class, the First Aid course, that whole Lamaze thing.
+Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?
+You know I would never do anything to hurt your feelings. Good night.
+Playing nicely, little humans? Good, good. Hello, Maggie. Poor little dummard.
+Hi kids! I'm flame retardant!
+If I break, buy a new one
+Maggie, time to go to the...
+Babies.
+Perhaps we are all a little mad, we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment! Except you, you're not working out. I'll be playing your part.
+LONG BEFORE THE SUPERDOME/ WHERE THE SAINTS OF FOOTBALL PLAY.../
+LIVED A CITY THAT THE DAMNED CALL HOME/ HEAR THEIR HELLISH RONDELET...
+NEW ORLEANS! HOME OF PIRATES, DRUNKS AND WHORES / NEW ORLEANS! TACKY OVER-PRICED SOUVENIR STORES / IF YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL YOU SHOULD TAKE A TRIP / TO THE SODOM AND GOMORRAH
+ON THE MISSISSIP / NEW ORLEANS! STINKING, ROTTEN, VOMITING, VILE /
+NEW ORLEANS! PUTRID, BRUCKISH, MAGGOTY, FOUL /
+NEW ORLEANS! CRUMMY, LOUSY, RANCID AND RANK / NEW ORLEANS!
+What's the matter, honey? Are you lost?
+I'm looking for my sister, Stella.
+It's mom!
+My name is Blanche DuBois.
+I THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD BE A MARDI GRAS/ A NEVER-ENDING PARTY -- HA!/ I'M A FADED SOUTHERN DAME WITHOUT A DIME...
+I'M COLLECTING FOR THE EVENING STAR.
+Come here. I want to kiss you, just once, softly and sweetly on your mouth.
+I AM JUST A SIMPLE PAPER BOY / NO ROMANCE DO I SEEK / I JUST WANTED FORTY CENTS / FOR MY DELIVERIES LAST WEEK.
+WILL THIS BEWITCHING FLOOZY / SEDUCE THIS HUMBLE NEWSIE?/ OH WHAT'S A PAPERBOY TO DO?
+WHOO-HOO.
+STELLA! STELLLA! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME YELL-A? / YOU'RE PUTTIN' ME THROUGH HELL-A / STELLA! STELLA!
+Cool, she can fly!
+I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness.
+Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
+YOU CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS/ TO BUCK UP YOUR SPIRITS/ AND SHIELD YOU FROM DANGERS...
+NOW HERE'S A TIP FROM BLANCHE YOU WON'T REGRET...
+A STRANGER'S JUST A FRIEND YOU HAVEN'T MET... YOU HAVEN'T MET!... STREETCAR!
+You people out there -- you are the stars!
+Hey, look at me! I'm Blanche Dubois!
+Way to go, mom.
+Everybody was cheering for you.
+Almost everybody.
+Kids, wait in the car. I want to talk to your mother about this play thing.
+Lookin' for a spot of fun with the missus, eh guv'nor?
+Shut up boy.
+Marge, you were terrific.
+Oh, come on, Homer. By the end, you were so bored you could barely keep your selfish head up.
+I wasn't bored. I was sad. It really got to me how that lady -- Uh... uh... you know which one I mean. You played her.
+Blanche.
+Yeah. How Blanche was sad and how that guy Stanley -- should have been nice to her.
+Yeah, go on.
+I'm afraid our furnace isn't working.
+Let's get 'em!
+I mean it made me feel bad. The poor thing ends up being hauled to the nut house when all she needed was for that big slob to show her some respect. At least that's what I thought. I have a history of missing the point of stuff like this.
+No, Homer, you got it just right.
+Hey, you know. I'm a lot like that guy.
+Really?
+Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff...
+Well, maybe just a little.
+Ahhh, another beautiful day in the womb. La-la-la-la--la-... ...la-la-la... la-la-la...
+Leggo! Leggo!
+I'm all naked and wet!
+Get up, Homer. It's time for church.
+Don' wanna go.
+It's church. You have to go.
+Too cold out!
+I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed.
+Oh, stupid itchy church pants...
+One size fits all, my butt!
+Come on. We're going to be late.
+Forget it. I'm not going.
+Hey, where's Homer?
+Your father is... resting.
+"Resting" hung over, "resting" got fired..? Help me out here.
+Ahhh. I'm just a big toasty cinnamon bun. I never want to leave this bed. Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man, think... think, think, think. I better get up.
+I'm whizzing with the door open -- and I love it!
+Whyyy, oh whyyy... Delilahhh?
+It's eleven KBBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm.
+You bet your sweet... ass!
+Dog gone it!
+Yeah, what's the story.
+But let's just put it out of our minds, and turn to the Lamentation Of Jeremiah, Long Version.
+Joy is gone from our hearts, our dancing has turned to mourning.
+Who wears short shorts?
+I wear short shorts!
+The perfect chance to make my patented, space age, out-of-this-world Moon Waffles.
+Let's see here... caramels, waffle batter...liquid smoke...
+Oooh, waffle run off.
+Mmm, fattening.
+... and he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell!
+The searing heat... the scalding rivers of molten sulfur...
+Ahhh... I'm there.
+Uh-oh. Here, boy.
+Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
+The service has ended. Go in Peace.
+The door's frozen shut... and it's the only way out!
+"Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy..."
+Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.
+That was Johnny Calhoun, with "Gonna Find Me a Genie With a Magic Bikini".
+Of course, Johnny's next record was a spoken-word album of his right-wing political views, that kinda killed his career. If you can tell me the name of that album, call our contest line - now!
+I know that!
+Hello, this is Homer Simpson.
+Homer, can you name that title?
+"This Things I Believe".
+Uh... can we accept that?
+Woo-hoo!
+How's that door coming, Willie?
+Miracles are your department, Reverend.
+While we're waiting, why don't I read from the Sunday Bulletin? "Card table for sale. Top badly damaged; leg missing; otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer..."
+You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now start manipulating my spine.
+Hey Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin'.
+You heard the lady - grab her spine and get cracking.
+Heh-heh-heh... Moe is their leader.
+Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
+Why you...
+Huzzah!
+Please, Christians, don't push.
+Excuse me... pardon me... whoop... comin' through... how ya doin'?... love that hat, baby...
+Come on TV... gimme some of that sweet, sweet pap!
+Let's define our terms, gentleman. Are we talking about redistricting, or are we talking about reapportionment? Because the two are by no means the same.
+Oh, well... can't win 'em all.
+We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game.
+Give it a little more gas.
+No, no, that's too much.
+Know what I think would help?
+What!? What would help!?
+Nothing.
+Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse ties the score at 63-63! We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today. Three visits from Morganna The Kissing Bandit... and the astonishing return of Jim Brown...
+Woo-hoo!
+Is that what I think it is?
+Mmm, hmm.
+I... found... a penny!
+Could this be the best day of my life?
+Looks like we have a new champion.
+Ah, my beloved family. How was church?
+I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life. And I owe it all to skipping church!
+That's a terrible thing to say. Kids, your father doesn't really mean that.
+Like fun I don't. Marge, I'm never going to church again.
+Homer! Are you actually giving up your faith?
+No! No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, yes.
+I can't believe you're giving up church, Homer.
+Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?
+Amen, brother.
+And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week?
+Tell it, daddy!
+And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder.
+Testify!
+Lord, my husband is by no means perfect, but he's a kind, decent man. Please show him the error of his ways.
+Marge, come to bed.
+No, Homer. He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord. He just likes to sleep in on Sundays...
+Maarge... come to bed Marge...
+It's good for what ails ya...
+I can wait all --
+THOU HAST FORSAKEN MY CHURCH!
+Well... kind of... but...
+BUT WHAT?
+And YOU remember... Matthew... 21:17.
+I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
+Hmm, you've got a point there.
+You know, sometimes even I'd rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?
+No. They moved to Phoenix.
+Oh yeah.
+You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.
+I couldn't agree more. That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.
+Give him one for me.
+I will.
+So I figure I should just try to live right, and worship you in my own way.
+Homer, it's a deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.
+Dad, can I ask you a question?
+Sure, honey.
+Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
+Don't worry, Sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.
+Hello, my animal friends. Peace be with you.
+Guys, please, could you give me five minutes?
+Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner.
+No, it's nothing bad. I'm just concerned, because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately.
+Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. But then God Himself told me I should seek a new path.
+Oh, really?
+Yeah, he appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was special 'cause I usually dream about naked... Marge.
+So, Homer, you saw the Big Cheese? What'd he look like?
+Perfect teeth - nice smell - a class act all the way.
+Homer, you're crazy. Tell him this is all crazy.
+Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26 -- "The foolish man, who built his house on sand."
+"And he left them, and went out of the city into Bethany, and he lodged there"?
+Yeah... think about it.
+Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow -- Religious holiday... The uh, Feast of... Maximum Occupancy.
+Pretty slick.
+Well, you should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No Hell... no kneeling....
+Sorry, Homer. I was born a Snake-Handler and I'll die a Snake-Handler.
+Neighbor, I heard about your heresy and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock.
+No sale.
+Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice. Hey, dig this.
+GOD SAID TO NOAH THERE'S GONNA BE A FLOODY, FLOODY --
+RAIN CAME DOWN... IT STARTED TO GET MUDDY, MUDDY...
+GET THOSE ANIMALS OUT ON THE ARKY, ARKY -
+Leave me alone!
+Dad, the heathen's getting away.
+I see him, son.
+Where are we going?
+Garbage Island.
+Let's go, kids.
+How come we have to go to church and Dad gets to stay home and watch cartoons?
+I have a responsibility to raise these children right and unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.
+Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair and some "wild" ideas and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... uh, I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about -- he used to drive that blue car --
+Kids, could you wait outside for us?
+Homer, please. Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
+There you go again. Always taking someone else's side. Flanders... the water department... God...
+I'm only going to ask you one last time. Are you sure you won't come with us to church?
+Coming up next, "Make Your Own Ladder."
+Very sure.
+My friends, the devil walks among us.
+Ooop, I got him.
+No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail. Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form, pleasing to the eye.
+Ooh! An interview with Lorne Michaels... wait, that's no good. Hey, now we're talkin'. "Our Unabashed Dictionary defines IUD as 'Love Springs Internal'." I don't get it.
+Hello. I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere... it was terrible...
+Wait a minute, is this a religious thing?
+A religious clown thing, yes.
+But wait...
+"Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy!"
+Apu, I see you're not in church.
+Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom, located in the employee lounge.
+Hey Ganesha, want a peanut?
+Please do not offer my god a peanut.
+No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must have been out takin' a whiz.
+Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.
+Pride goeth before destruction!
+Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
+Marge, turn down the heat. That's better.
+Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, the song! The song! WHEN A FIRE STARTS TO BURN / THERE'S A LESSON YOU MUST LEARN / SOMETHING... SOMETHING, THEN YOU'LL SEE/YOU'LL AVOID CATASTROPHE!
+Fire at the old Simpson place!
+You are on your honor not to steal anything.
+Oh, we wooon't....
+Little Jamshed... the store is in your hands.
+How I have waited for this day.
+You ducks are really trying my patience. But you're so cute.
+Homer! Homer!
+Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress square and true.
+Flanders, you saved me. Why?
+Heck, you'd have done the same for me.
+Help! Help!
+That's right, old friend.
+Oh, Homey! Are you all right?
+My Magazines and roach traps... gone, all gone.
+I saved your cat.
+Ow, that hurt.
+Hey, what are these axes for?
+I don't know. Choppin' stuff.
+Gotcha.
+Truly this was an act of God.
+Hey, wait a minute... Flanders is a regular Charlie Church and God didn't save his house!
+Any valuables in the house?
+Well, the Picasso... my collection of classic cars...
+Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff.
+Well, that's just great.
+Fire: Man's oldest foe. Insatiable... remorseless... unquenchable...
+Hey, it's out.
+Coming up next... Which works better - springy clothes pins, or the other kind?
+You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here.
+Yes, the lesson is...
+No, don't tell me, I'll get it... Oh, I know! The Lord is vengeful! O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
+Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
+No, but he was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid, be they Christian... Jew... or Miscellaneous...
+Hindu. There are 700 million of us.
+Ah, that's super.
+I was rude to every one of you... and you saved my life, when you could have just left me to fry, like the proverbial pancake that I am.
+Oh, Homie, I'm so glad to hear you say that.
+Now, would you give church another try?
+I'll be there next Sunday. Front row, center!
+Don't feel bad Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in the first year.
+That's game, Hendrix!
+God, I gotta ask you somethin'. What's the meaning of life?
+Homer, I can't tell you that.
+You'll find out when you die.
+I can't wait that long.
+You can't wait six months?
+No, tell me now!
+Well... okay. The meaning of life is...
+Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth" is a registered Disneyland copyright.
+Gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.
+And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner.
+Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.
+Copyright expired.
+Annnd...begin!
+This sucks.
+Haw haw!
+Pick the red, get ahead, pick the black, set you back.
+I don't recall authorizing this booth.
+Goodbye, gentlemen.
+Get yer haggis, right here! Chopped heart and lungs, boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds. Good for what ails ya. Agh. Agh.
+I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds.
+Ha, ha, you lose! 36 and 239!
+Hey, Otto-man. I dare you to make this go faster.
+Ooo, challenge accepted!
+I'll be in Mexico 'til this thing blows over.
+Oh boy! A spookhouse!
+Hand over all your money.
+Was it scary?
+Uh-huh.
+Oh baby!
+So girlie, you like roller-skatin'?
+Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating. Okay you can turn around now.
+Oh my God. I'm ugly.
+Now in a moment, we'll be raffling off our grand prize...
+A ride on the famous Duff Beer Blimp!
+A ride on the Duff Blimp...
+You see the circular pattern on those fields? That's from central-pivot irrigation.
+Now, let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl...
+Oops! Sorry.
+Ho-mer, Ho-mer, Ho-mer..
+But first, our second-prize winner, and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer....... Ned Flanders!
+Oh, it's no fair. We'll never have a buffer.
+We have one at home. You never use it.
+Well, I want that one.
+And the winner of the blimp ride is... Homer Simpson!
+Oh my God!
+HEY THERE BLIMPY BOY /FLYING THROUGH THE SKY SO FANCY FREE.
+Honey, what's wrong?
+Dad, do you think I'm ugly?
+What are you talking about?
+Heh heh heh... Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.
+I'm an ugmo.
+Now that's not true! You're cute as a bug's ear.
+Fathers have to say that stuff.
+Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
+No! You're homely as a mule's butt!
+There, see?
+I'd like to be alone, please.
+Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?
+Mmmm... no.
+How about you, Barney?
+Not for a second .
+I need help.
+Whee... whee... whee.... whee... wheeeee...
+I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest.
+Well, now, there's a way to prove it.
+Wow, president of Laramie Cigarettes, Jack Larson!
+This year, Laramie is sponsoring the Little Miss Springfield pageant. You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV. Ah, that sweet Carolina smoke. But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant for little girls age seven to nine.
+That is so sweet.
+Lisa's age seven to nine!
+Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host, the Maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown!
+I heartily endorse this event or product.
+What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning.
+That could be Lisa!
+The Little Miss Springfield Pageant. Only 250 dollars to enter.
+Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket?
+Where'd you get all the money?
+From some scientists. Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up.
+I'm hideous.
+Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. THERE ONCE WAS AN UGLY DUCKLING...
+So you think I'm ugly?
+No! No! I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one.
+Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
+To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again.
+Uh, was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant?
+What are you talking about?
+I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller skates.
+How could you? I won't do it!
+Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks. This is the last thing she needs.
+But I think she'll win.
+Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? Hubba, hubba.
+Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.
+You're looking at her through a father's eyes.
+Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would. But to me, she's beautiful.
+Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything... but do you know how your father got the money to enter you in this pageant?
+He sold his ride on the Duff Blimp.
+But that ride meant everything to him!
+Hey there blimpy boy Flying through the sky so fancy free --
+I'll do it.
+Did you see Tina Epstein?
+Whoa! If you're gonna binge, you better purge. Uh oh.
+Amber Dempsey.
+In the same week she was "Pork Princess" and "Little Miss Kosher."
+She's beautiful.
+Wait. She's about to bring out the big guns.
+Eyelash implants.
+I thought those were illegal.
+Not in Paraguay.
+There's no way I can beat this girl. She's the Jack Nicklaus of the pageant circuit.
+Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive as Jack Nicklaus...
+I meant because they both win all the time, Mom.
+Oh. Well, yes, that's what I meant, too. Well, tell you what. This afternoon, I'll take you to the beauty parlor and show you just how lovely you can be.
+And later I'll teach you the tricks of the trade: taping your swimsuit to your butt, petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile, and the ancient art of padding .
+Are we done?
+We are just warming up.
+Isn't this dangerous?
+Don't worry. I'm well protected.
+Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks.
+She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.
+My name is Amber Dempsey, and when I grow up, I want to be a sweetie pie!
+No, she won't. When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, blood-sucking monsters, always wantin' more, MORE! MORE! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return.
+Like what?
+I'll tell you when you're older.
+Is that Lisa? Ooh, I gotta call heaven -- there's an angel missing!
+And who's your little school friend? Wait a minute, that's Mom!
+I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight.
+Hey... hey!
+Whooo! Whooo! Dad, do you know anything else about women?
+Nope, that's it.
+Hey brush head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour.
+You know, I was just wondering how someone who works in an ice cream store keeps such a trim figure.
+I've misjudged you.
+I said step-pause-turn-pause-pivot-step-step, not step-pause-turn-pause-pivot-step-pause. Ooh, Shudder!
+And the winner is... Lisa Simpson!
+Okay, wipe away a tear... ... hug the loser...
+And now for your triumphant walk down the runway.
+It's hopeless.
+There's nothing to it. Give me those heels.
+Heel -- toe. Heel -- toe. Heel -- toe.
+Do you really think I can win?
+Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.
+But those other girls are prettier than me.
+Lis, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say. You're not ugly.
+Oh Bart.
+OUT ON OUR OWN / MAKING IT WORK / GASPING FOR AIR / HAVING IT ALL!...
+Oh Grampa!
+I am Pahasatira Mahasapeenapetilon, and tonight I will be playing MacArthur Park on the tabla.
+No, I'm serious.
+Yes, Judges, there's your queen.
+Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart?
+My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place!
+Yeah! Clean up this stink hole!
+Krusty! About time you got here.
+Yeah, yeah. What is this -- the, uh, Republican fundraiser?
+... CHECKING IT OUT / HITTING THE HEIGHTS / MAKING A WISH / DREAMING A DREAM...
+LITTLE MISS SPRINGFIELD / WHICH ONE WILL IT BEEE!
+Ooh, that brisket's not sittin' right.
+AND I'LL NEVER HAVE THAT RECIPE AGAIN / OH NOOO...
+Ooh, that just kept goin' huh? And now here's... ... Lisa Simpson!
+They'll love you just as much as I do.
+Thanks, Dad.
+Some people say that to love your country is old fashioned, uncool, real melvin... Well to them I say OH BEAUTIFUL, FOR SPACIOUS SKIES, FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN...
+One! Two! Three! Four!
+LEFT A GOOD JOB IN THE CITY -- WORKIN' FOR THE MAN EVERY NIGHT AND DAY...
+This is my favorite part of the pageant, because... whazzat say?... Oh, it gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality, uh, personally. Amber, "Do you think the Bill of Rights is a good thing or a bad thing?"
+Take your time, dear.
+... Good thing.
+Awwww...
+Ver-ry "Wrigley".
+As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure to welcome you to America, the Land of Opportunity.
+And now it's time to name our runner-up, who if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties, blah blah blah wuzza wuzza wuzza. And don't say "It'll never happen", because we all remember that thing with whatsername... Click Click You know... Okay, the runner-up is...
+Lisa Simpson, which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield!
+"L" THE LOSERS IN HER WAKE / "I" THE INCOME SHE WILL MAKE / "T" IS FOR HER TOOTH-FILLED MOUTH... / "T" IS FOR HER TOOTH-FILLED MOUTH...
+Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation. Wasting food.
+But first, let's join the new Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey, as she helps open the Danish super-chain "SHOP".
+Scott, everyone is here, from the Mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff Blimp.
+Hey, can I drive?
+Well, I can't see the harm.
+Oh, the humanity. Anyway, to turn on the store's severe tire damage spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.
+Oh dear. It would be a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
+I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic.
+Nope. Metal.
+Ladies and Gentlemen. Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning!
+Doctor, what is Amber's condition?
+Oh she'll be fine. In fact, she's already won the Little Miss Intensive Care Pageant.
+Congratulations Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield. Here's your scepter.
+Just kidding. Here you go.
+Just kidding.
+I deserved that.
+That doesn't look like her body.
+The torso used to be Dr. Ruth. Her head is on a pike in the chamber of horrors.
+Hi fellas.
+Love that "chewing gum" walk.
+Actually, they're being deported.
+And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome to Mr. Bob Hope.
+What's the mayor's name?
+Quimby.
+Beautiful.
+Hello, this is Bob "what the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golf balls spends more time under water than Greg Louganis.
+And now, I want to show you what you're fighting for -- if there was a war on -- Little Miss Springfield. Isn't she beautiful?
+Little Miss Springfield?!
+First Tony Randall cancels - now this.
+Hey, set me down at that boat show.
+I'm going to be riding on a pack of cigarettes?
+Mm hm. We think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies. It's part of our new campaign.
+Hmm classy.
+Y'see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie. A lot of the people who smoke our product have been... well... dying, heh heh. And we need young smokers to take their place.
+I don't want to be a spokesperson for a cigarette company!
+But you're a role model to young people. And we're thinking of retiring "Menthol Moose".
+Bless you boys.
+Homer, those are ice cream men.
+I know.
+Stop this float!
+What's the holdup? Go!
+I'm tired of being a corporate shill.
+From now I will speak out against the evils in society from dog napping to cigarettes.
+Before I sing the National Anthem, I'd like to say that college football diverts funds badly needed for education and the arts.
+Let's get outta here!
+Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out, and Amber Dempsy back in. But this glorified-crossing-guard-of-a-Police Chief won't get off his big fat can.
+Is it okay if I open these potato chips?
+Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered. Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's pageant application.
+Roxy, bring in a bottle of champagne.
+And some dip for these chips... somethin'.
+Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.
+Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in the space" he wrote "okay."
+If it wasn't for me you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
+Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
+I don't know. Was I drunk?
+Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
+Really?
+Uh-huh.
+Will you remember this the next
+time I wreck your life?
+It's a deal.
+And now, my exclusive interview with his Holiness, Pope John Paul II.
+That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougals. Call the weekend guy, I don't care.
+Happy birthday, Bart.
+Thanks, Grampa.
+Where'd you get all the money?
+The government. I didn't earn it. I don't need it. But if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell.
+Hey Homer - where's your present?
+Oh yeah? With what?
+I mean don't worry, son. I forgot to get you a present. But I swear on my father's grave...
+I will get you one now!
+Do you sell toys?
+We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt... which I call frogurt!
+Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
+Perhaps this will please the gentleman.
+Take this object. But beware, it carries a terrible curse.
+Ooh, that's bad.
+But it comes with a free frogurt.
+That's good.
+The frogurt is also cursed.
+That's bad.
+But you get your choice of topping.
+That's good.
+The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
+That's bad.
+Can I go now?
+Happy birthday, son!
+Great Caesar's Ghost! A talking Krusty doll!
+I'm Krusty the Clown and I love you very much.
+Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had.
+That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! EEEVIL!
+Grampa, you said that about all the presents.
+I just want attention.
+...And in environmental news, scientist have announced that Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.
+Woo hoo!
+I'm Krusty the Clown and I don't like you.
+I'm Krusty the Clown and I'm going to kill you!
+Didn't even pull the string that time.
+I said I'm going to kill you. You, Homer Simpson.
+Homer, what's wrong?
+That doll tried to kill me!
+I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?
+Don't leave me alone with him.
+MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME / IS H-O-M-E-R / MY BALONEY HAS A SECOND NAME / IT'S H-O-M-E-R.
+There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
+Hey, baby. Get comfortable. Relax. It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit, don't you think?
+You think your dirty socks can stop me? Well... they are making me dizzy...
+Goodbye, Dolly.
+Arrivederci, Vito.
+I was a fool to think anyone would want nude pictures of Whoopi Goldberg.
+What the?...
+And that is that.
+Guess who, Fat Boy?
+Marge, Marge, look!
+Oh my God.
+The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me!
+Ew. Dog water.
+Your doll is trying to kill my husband!... Yes, I'll hold.
+EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN / SO WHY DON'T YOU?
+Yep. Here's your problem.
+Someone set this thing to "EVIL".
+I love you, Homer.
+Come here you.
+Here ya' go buddy.
+Did you walk the dog?
+Yeah, he buried me a couple a times.
+Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk.
+Yeah, you stupid idiot.
+Oh, what a day. Homer made me give him a sponge bath. But coming home to you makes it all worth while.
+Here, let me get that for ya.
+... So then, his wife comes through the door!!!
+Did I mention she was dead?
+Well, she was. And she hit him in the head with a golf club!
+Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time and it really bugged her.
+You said he went bowling!
+Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that.
+Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.
+That's a lie and you know it. But I have seen a lot of movies...
+My name is Marge Bouvier. I'm here about your ad.
+Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition. Must like monkeys. Non-smoker preferred.
+Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.
+What do you think Smithers?
+I think women and seamen don't mix.
+We know what you think. Young lady, you're hired.
+Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island.
+Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
+Candy Apple Island, what have they got there?
+Apes. But they're not so big.
+Hey, who's this Homer Dude?
+He's either a fifty foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the ape island jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore.
+Am I going too?
+Garsh darn it.
+Of course. We wouldn't think of going without the bait... uh, that is, the bait-thing beauty -- The bathing beauty. I covered that up pretty well.
+HOMER... HOMER... HOMER... HOMER... HOMER...
+Just try to remain inconspicuous.
+HOMER... HOMER... HOMER... HOMER...
+Mose tatupu! Mose tatupu!
+What's he saying?
+Uh, he's saying, "We wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired woman!"
+Oh, well, isn't that... Whoa!
+Smithers, this is a golden opportunity. If we get him alive we can put him on Broadway. Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the Army!
+You keep your hands to yourself, mister.
+Now, we don't want to kill him, shoot him around the groin and belly.
+Hey Homer, cut it out. Come on, quit eatin' me.
+Ow! Nice shot, Carl.
+All right, you big ape, get a snootful of this gas bomb.
+I WAS STROLLING THROUGH THE GAS ONE DAY...
+Nice work, Smithers. When we get back, I'm giving you a raise.
+Oh well.
+What kinda show you got for us, Mr. Burns?
+Well, the ape's going to stand around for three hours or so. Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Douggan an Dershowitz.
+Sensational!
+Hi fellow Halloweenies! Did I scaredly-dare ya?
+Ladies and gentlemen, in his native land he was a king. But he comes before you in chains, for your own amusement. Presenting Homer, the Eighth Wonder of the World!
+Wow! Look at the size of that platform!
+I think you're making him angry.
+Come on, what's he gonna do, run amok in downtown Springfield?
+Hey monkey, want a peanut?
+I said one!
+ON THE GOOD SHIP, LOLLIPOP / IT'S A SWEET TRIP TO A CANDY SHOP...WHERE BON-BONS...
+I am dreading the reviews, I can tell you that.
+Oh hi, Homie.
+He's sure taking his sweet time.
+Better refuel.
+You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people.
+He's not dead.
+No, but his career is. I remember when Al Jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler Building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town.
+Don't worry, Homie. I'll take care of you.
+Are you with the bride or groom?
+Right this way.
+Folks, if you could just stop cleaning each other for a second...
+Wait! Wait! Marge, I can't find your father.
+Oh, Homer.
+Now kids, instead of candy, I thought I'd serve an array of healthy fresh fruits.
+Fruit is nature's candy!
+Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants.
+Too late.
+From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, "Baby's First Pop-Up Book" is twenty-six pages of alphabetic adventure.
+Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
+Well, most of it.
+You have to read another book.
+Find Waldo Yet Again.
+Man, he's just not tryin' anymore. Gee, never noticed that before!
+Whoa! Ow! What's this?
+Evil... Evil... Bad... Beware... Beware...
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
+Chapter eight, "Let's Talk Zombies..." If a zombie bites you, you become a zombie. You must walk the earth feeding on the brains of the living until the spell is broken.
+Bart, please. Don't you remember that Snowball I died four years ago tonight? Run over by the Mayor's beer swilling brother, Clovis.
+Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that'll bring her back from the dead.
+Let's see what we've got... "How to Get Your Skeletons Their Whitest"... "Selling Your Soul in a Buyer's Market"... Ah, here we are, "How to Raise The Dead."
+Cullen, Rayburn, Narz, Trebek!
+Zabar, Kresge, Caldor, Walmart!
+It's not working.
+Bart! You cast the wrong spell! Zombies!
+Please Lis, they prefer to be called the Living Impaired.
+There. Pretty as a picture.
+Ach! Zombies.
+There. Pretty as a picture.
+Well, howdy strangers! What can I do ya for?
+Brains... Brains...
+Why, Sue Dokes, you rascal! I thought you were dead and--
+Dad, we did something very bad.
+Did you wreck the car?
+Did you raise the dead?
+But the car is okay?
+Uh huh.
+All right then.
+Martin Prince, report to my office at once!
+And bring that big, juicy, Chess Club brain of yours along with you!
+Hey kids, look what you can win in the Krusty Sweepstakes!
+To enter, send me your parents' brains, or write "PARENTS' BRAINS" on a 3-by-5 card, and send it to...
+Homer, did you barricade the door?
+Why? Oh, the zombies. No.
+Spare my family. Take me. Take me!
+Brains! Brains!
+I thought dabbling in the black arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was. I should have never read that book.
+Wait Bart! Maybe the library has another book that'll reverse the spell.
+It's our only hope.
+To the book depository!
+Hey Simpson, I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
+Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
+He was a zombie?
+KZMB! All zombie radio.
+The zombies have the earthlings on the run.
+I'm a-comin' boy!
+Soon, the human race will wither and fall, like the earth plums we have seen on the observascope.
+Ow... careful... not the face.
+Barney! Not you, too!
+I'm not a zombie. But hey, when in Rome... Wow, George Washington.
+Take that Washington!
+Eat lead, Einstein!
+Show's over, Shakespeare!
+Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?
+Hurry, Bart!
+Kolchak, Mannix, Banacek, Danno!
+What's wrong?
+Uh, I never realized what a beautiful young woman you've become.
+Trojan, Ramses, Magnum, Sheik!
+See ya in hell. / Still pushin' that boulder? / Uh-huh.
+Excuse me. I'm John Smith.
+John Smith, 1882?
+My mistake.
+The uh zombies that plagued our town are now just corpses rotting in our streets.
+Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
+Shh! TV!
+Man... fall down. Funny.
+Captain's log Stardate 6051: had trouble sleeping last night... my hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain but nobody listens.
+"Star Trek XII - So Very Tired." See the original cast in their latest, greatest adventure.
+Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow!
+Again with the Klingons. Mr. Scott, give me full power.
+Homer, get back here.
+It's no good, Captain, I canna' reach the control panel!
+Movies! What a rip-off.
+I don't have to sit here and take this. I... .
+Hubba hubba! Oh you kid!
+Thank you, dear. Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent/ teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
+What are we going to have?
+Well that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good... pizza. If you've been bad... uh... ... let's see... poison.
+What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
+Poison pizza.
+Oh no. I'm not making two stops.
+All right, I'll talk to Lisa's teacher this year. You can have Bart's.
+That's the way we do it every year.
+All right. Tell you what. I'm thinking of a number between one and 50.
+Is it 37?
+I mean, no.
+Please Marge... please, please, please, please, please?
+Oh, all right.
+Woo hoo! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!
+Hee hee!
+Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots, replacing my birth-control pills with Tic Tacs...
+Well, I'm sorry... I'm sure Bart doesn't really mean to be bad.
+Now's our chance to be bad.
+Mr. Simpson... I just wanted to tell you that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa. You must have read to her at a young age.
+I did. I did read to her!
+I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food, quick!
+Eight o'clock... Happy Days. The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool.
+Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three "R's": "reading TV Guide"... ummmm, writing to TV Guide... and renewing TV Guide.
+Now, we don't usually do this, but we have some witnesses. Come in, Arthur.
+Now where did Bart stick the fireworks?
+Over the lips and past the gums, look out dentures, here I come.
+"My child is on the Honor Roll at Springfield Elementary." You know, I never thought I'd find a replacement for my "Where's the Beef" bumper sticker. Heh, heh, heh... "Where's the Beef".
+Uh... we'd like the desk back Mr. Simpson.
+Huh? Oh.
+I really don't see how this helps Bart.
+Just do it.
+Bus-ted!
+Homer, we have a problem here.
+Are you kidding? Lisa turned out perfect. I won't stand here and listen to you bad-mouthing Lisa!
+We're talking about Bart.
+Oh. That guy.
+I think the problem here is discipline. If Bart does something wrong you should punish him.
+Well, we try, but he has this way of making us think we've punished him when actually we've completely caved in.
+He's the boy you love to hate.
+Well, you've got to start being firm with him. I believe with persistent discipline even the poorest student can end up becoming... oh... say Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
+Yeah, right. Like you're gonna let me go hungry. I'll be eatin' that pizza in five minutes.
+Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join. John Marshall... Charles Evans Hughes... Warren Burger... mmm burger.
+And what if we don't?
+Then there's no telling how low he can sink.
+All right, ladies. Prepare to be blown away by "Bang-Bang Bart!"
+You're fat!
+Just more of me to love, honey.
+Oh, my poor baby.
+What? Whazzat?
+Hi mom. Hi dad. Home already? Boy, time really flies when you're reading... The Bible? Ew.
+Well, we brought some pizza.
+If you don't start making more sense we're gonna have to put you in a home.
+You already put me in a home.
+Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on "60 Minutes."
+I'll be good.
+Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!
+Dad, you and your stories... "Bart broke my teeth"... "the nurses are stealing my money"... "this thing on my neck is getting bigger"...
+Now this is exactly what Bart's teacher was talking about. Our son did something wrong and you look the other way.
+But Marge, look at that hangdog expression. He's learned his lesson. Let's get him a present.
+Please, Homer. Why do I always have to be the bad guy?
+All right, all right. Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth -- he gets to break yours.
+Oh, this is gonna be sweet.
+No, no, no.
+Bart, we're sending you to bed without your supper.
+Bart! Stop being confident.
+There must be something to eat around here.
+Gee, maybe they mean it this time. From now on I guess I'd better straighten up and fly...
+Bart, don't tell your mother, but I brought you some pizza.
+Just promise me you'll try to be good.
+I promise.
+Thataboy.
+Sucker.
+Well, well. If it isn't the tooth fairy.
+Coming for Christmas... the Itchy & Scratchy Movie!
+Stick around, Mr. Bond. Things are really starting to "cook."
+Bart, come quick! There's an Itchy and Scratchy MOVIE!!!
+If you want suspense...romance...you'll find it in the Itchy & Scratchy Movie. Coming soon to a theater near you. 53% new footage.
+Bart, did you take out the garbage like I asked?
+Indeed I did.
+Hey you goats, get outta here!
+Boy, you're going to have to be punished for this.
+Dad, you could punish me. But that means you'd have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it...
+Or you could let me go play with Milhouse while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.
+Ayy, el estomago!
+Run along, ya little scamp.
+Jin-gle Bells, Jin-gle Bells...
+Bart! Why are you doing that?
+I'unno.
+Well, this time you must be punished.
+Well, you could punish me, but...
+No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish you and come Hell or high water I... wait a minute...
+Ice cream truck!
+Me, me. I was here first!
+Now, what were we talking about, boy?
+Uh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.
+Oh yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
+We're home.
+We got beets!
+Bart, are you pulling up the carpet?
+Yuh - huh.
+Why are you letting him do this?
+I'unno.
+Well punish him!
+All right. All right. Bart, go to your room.
+See ya in the funny pages.
+How could you let this happen?
+How could you let this happen?
+I wasn't here!
+Oh. How convenient.
+Homer, do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
+Can't he be both like the late Earl Warren?
+Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.
+Now who's being naive.
+Look, you have to help discipline your son.
+All right, Marge. I swear to you, the next time he does something wrong I'll punish him and make it stick.
+Tonight on Eye On Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccuping for forty-five years.
+Kill me... Kill me...
+But first we'll examine the growing Itchy & Scratchy mania with their new movie premiering today!
+I got my ticket.
+I'm here live in Korea to give you a first hand look at how American cartoons are made. But first, let's take a look back at the year 1928. A year when you might have seen Al Capone dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole.
+It was also the year of the very first Scratchy cartoon, entitled "That Happy Cat".
+Sorry, but the punishment stands.
+The film did very poorly. But the following year Scratchy was teamed up with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy. And cartoon history was made. Here's their first cartoon together: "Steamboat Itchy."
+Oh me, oh my!
+During the war Itchy & Scratchy put their differences aside and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.
+We'll be back with a real life Itchy & Scratchy. A rabid mouse in Boston who attacked and killed a small cat.
+Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
+Sounds like something you'd say.
+Hey, where is she?
+Oh my Lord!
+Aw, isn't that cute. A baby driving a car.
+And look, there's a dog driving a bus.
+All rrright. Time for a crime spree.
+All right, boy. This calls for the biggest punishment I've ever handed down. And this time it's gonna stick!
+Come on, Homer. This isn't funny.
+Damn right. Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy & Scratchy movie. Ever!
+Oh, nnnooo. Beta.
+Dad, you gotta let me see that movie. Can't you just give me a spanking?
+Come on, go nuts.
+Don't point that thing at me. I said you're not going to the movie and I'm sticking to it.
+Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished, but the Itchy and Scratchy movie is the defining event of our generation. How would you have liked it if someone told you that you couldn't watch the moon landing?
+That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.
+YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY/ I'VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY/ AND I FEEL LIKE LOVIN' YOU...
+... LOVE YOU, SUCH A SWEET THING/ GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT THING...
+I regret nothing!
+Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
+Not bloody likely.
+No, it's true. You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt. But, my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
+Dad, what's the point of this story?
+I like stories.
+Look, can I please go to the movie?
+I know my punishment might seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
+TV sucks.
+I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.
+The master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour.
+I'm not licked yet. I can entertain myself. No matter how good a movie is, it can't compare to the imagination of a small boy.
+How was it?
+It wasn't that great.
+Be honest.
+It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life. And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos. Dustin Hoffman, Michael Jackson... of course they didn't use their real names, but you could tell it was them.
+Sorry Bart.
+It's just not the same.
+I've seen the Itchy & Scratchy Movie 13 times.
+I've seen it 17 times.
+You guys must be gettin' pretty tired of that movie by now.
+No one who saw the movie would say that!
+Let's get him!
+Homer, we'd like to talk to you.
+But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.
+Dad, you've got to let Bart see that movie. I've never seen him like this. He has the demented melancholia of a Tennessee Williams heroine.
+Don't you think I know that?
+Well, it's been two months. You laid down the law and I'm proud of you. But I think we've gotten through to him.
+Ah, sweet soft-hearted Marge. You just can't see the big picture. If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. If I fail, the best he could do is judge at a "Mister Tight Buns" competition. I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen and I can't let that happen.
+One for "Itchy and Scratchy".
+We promised your dad we wouldn't.
+I'm here at the Springfield Aztec Theater where, after eight months and nine Academy Awards, the Itchy and Scratchy movie is showing for the last time. Tomorrow, a new movie, starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open. Will it be as successful? Only time will tell.
+Well, Dad, I guess you won.
+No, son, we both won. You don't know it now, but I've started you on the road to somewhere very special.
+Well, I'll be. The Itchy and Scratchy Movie.
+Come on. What d'ya say?
+All right. I think you've learned your lesson.
+One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
+I'll get it son.
+That'll be six hundred and fifty dollars.
+One Soylent Green. Hold the butter.
+Mmm... Soylent Green.
+Which one's the mouse?
+Itchy's a jerk.
+Resident... occupant... hmm, free sample of "Lemon Time"...
+Oooh, give it here.
+Homer, that's dish washing liquid!
+Yeah, but what're ya gonna do?
+Oooh! They're having a retirement party for someone at the plant.
+I wish I could retire.
+Boy, that'd be sweet.
+Howdy-do, neighbor! Good pipe weather. Thought I'd fire up the briar.
+Can't talk -- busy.
+Okely-dokely-do.
+Did you notice how slanted he looked?
+All part of God's great plan.
+I think one side of our house is sinking.
+Haw haw!
+The half-assed approach to foundation repair.
+Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as "Mothballing Your Battleship" and "Dig Your Own Grave - and Save!" Now over the next six hours I'll be taking you through the do's and do not do's of foundation repair. Ready?
+First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel...
+Hand me my patching trowel, boy.
+Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation?
+Good. Assemble the aluminum J-channel using self-furring screws. Install.
+Wha-do I do...
+After applying brushable coating to the panels...
+Wait a minute...
+....you'll need some corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath.
+Wait a minute...
+If you can't find metal stucco lath....
+Uh huh?
+Use carbon-fiber stucco lath.
+Now, parge the lath...
+Did you see the bubble?
+A CERTAIN MAN...
+A CERTAIN MAN...
+I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking. I figure it's gonna cost you... oh, eighty-five hundred.
+Forget it. You're not the only foundation guy in town!
+Let's see, foundation repair... Ah, here we are...
+... Leaving the Vice President in charge. And now, Leaning Tower of Pisa eat your heart out and move over! This is one story that's not on the level!
+Behold the horrors of the Slanty Shanty. See the twisted creatures that dwell within. Meet "Cue Ball," the man with no hair!
+He's hideous!
+We have to do something...
+Marge, it'll cost eighty-five hundred dollars. We only have five hundred in the bank. That leaves... eighty- hundred we need.
+I could get a job.
+Hey! Then I could follow my dream. Living in the woods and keeping a journal of my thoughts.
+March 15... I wish I'd brought a TV. Oh God, how I miss TV.
+Hmm, I think you have to keep your job too.
+It was the most beautiful, most expensive train ever built, the "Spruce Caboose".
+Some people said it was too big to stay on the tracks... heh, heh, they were right.
+We're here for the retirement party.
+Follow the Headless Brakeman.
+Power plant retirement party. Ow! Right this way.
+Tonight, we've all come to honor a close friend of ours...
+Bo-ring!
+A man who provided the Burns Corporation with forty-five years of faithful service, Mr. Jack Marley.
+Bo-ring.
+Mr. Burns, if you don't mind, I've prepared a little musical number for Jack's special night.
+THERE IS A MAN...
+THERE IS A MAN...
+A MAN WHOSE GRACE / AND HANDSOME FACE / ARE KNOWN ACROSS THE LAND! / YOU KNOW HIS NAME...
+YOU KNOW HIS NAME...
+IT'S MISTER BURNS!
+HE'S MISTER BURNS!
+HE LOVES A SMOKE/ ENJOYS A JOKE
+AH HA-HA-HA-HA
+WHY, HE'S WORTH TEN TIMES WHAT HE EARNS!
+HE'S MISTER BURNS!
+I'M MISTER BURNS!
+HE'S MONTY BURNS!
+I'm Mister Burns!
+TO FRIENDS HE'S KNOWN AS MONTY, BUT TO YOU IT'S MISTER... BURNS!! BUR-BUR-BUR-BUR-BUR-BURNS!!
+Do you mind if I say a few words?
+Oh, me, me, me "I need all the attention just because it's my party, eh!"
+Please don't make me retire! My job is the only thing that keeps me alive! I never married, and my dog is dead!
+I'm not finished.
+Oh, yes you are.
+With the departure of Mr. Marley, there will now be an entry-level position open in Sector 7G. Now get out. The bar is closed.
+Maybe I should apply for that job.
+Forget it Marge. We already live together; we shouldn't work together. As the Bible says "Thou shalt not horn in on thy husband's... racket."
+Where does the Bible say "racket?"....
+It's in there. Look, Marge we just don't need the money that bad.
+Well, Lisa, I finished my resume.
+Uh... I think it needs a little padding.
+What are you putting in there?...
+Up-up-up. When I'm done.
+Chauffeur... seamstress...
+curator of large mammals?
+Marge have you seen my lunch box?
+Oh, I see.
+Mom, they expect you to lie a little.
+"Worked for the Carter administration"?
+Well, you voted for him... twice!
+Lisa, sh! Someone may be listening.
+Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Oh, I thought Muddy Waters wrote that song.
+This resume is very impressive. Let me be the first to say: Kadibu [kadeeboo] Kazini [kazeenee].
+Welcome aboard. I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.
+Yeah...
+Sorry, the position has been filled.
+Oh dear.
+Marge, you're making a big mistake. I'm going to see you all day at work and all night at home...
+And that's good! But, here's the bad part... uh... uh... Ooh, look at that headline: "Canada To Hold Referendum." Sorry Marge, can't talk now.
+We need the money, and my life is pretty boring. Last week some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.
+Yeah, lemonade is good.
+I think it's wonderful. Mom and Dad side by side at the power plant. You'll be just like Marie and Pierre Curie.
+Wha dey do?
+They discovered radium. Then they both died of radiation poisoning.
+It's the Curies. We must flee!
+Now, Marge, just remember, if something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt .
+Maggie, your baby-sitter's here.
+What's that mean?
+Whoa, you must be sick.
+Whoa, you must be sick. Let's see. What's old doc Washburn prescribe?
+Do you have Dropsy? The Grippe? Scrofula? The Vapors? Jungle Rot? Dandy Fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climactic pooball? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?...
+And this is your office. That idiot Tibor lost the key, but you can jimmy it open with a credit card.
+Well, have fun.
+But... what do I do?
+Marge, please. According to your resume, you invented this machine.
+Put away your books, children. It's time for your English test.
+Sick... on test day... Why? Whyyy?
+Bart, have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
+I'm halfway through it, I swear!
+Marge what're you doing? It's lunch time.
+I'll just be a minute. I have to finish this paperwork.
+Marge, Marge, Marge, let's file this under "R" for arrivederci.
+But, where does it go?
+Don't worry, baby. That tube'll know what to do.
+Good news, boy. I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy... more of a bait shop.
+Look, Grampa, I'm fine! I really don't need any more home remedies.
+Oral thermometer, my eye! Think warm thoughts, boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.
+Aaaagh!
+Jackanapes... lolligaggers... noodle heads... enchantress!
+That woman -- she's so captivating. Smithers, my heart's pounding like a jackhammer.
+Marge, get my gun.
+I must have her. Smithers, zoom in. Closer... Closer... closer, damn it!
+Too close.
+Mr. Burns!
+No need for alarm. I just came to give you the orchids and fragrant bath oils I lavish upon all my employees.
+Oh, aren't you nice. Gee, this makes me wonder why morale here is so low.
+I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand.
+Oh, who cares. Marge, what can we do?
+Well, you could give them healthier snacks... theme days...
+You mean like "Child labor Day"?
+Hmm, actually, I was thinking of "Funny Hat Day."
+Oh, and how about piping in some Tom Jones music? That always cheers me up.
+It's working! It's working! And the healthy snacks are on their way.
+You can't take our donuts!
+All right, anyone else want to be a hero?
+Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office... right next to mine.
+But, sir, that's my office!
+Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
+Springtime fresh, winter white... what could be better?
+Oh, man, I really gotta...
+So, Bart, how are you feeling?
+Can't complain.
+Well, then you're ready for your make up test.
+Aagh! My ovaries!
+Suckers.
+Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf?"
+I glanced at it... boy cries "wolf"... has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.
+Bart, is that light green?
+It better be!
+Homie, what's wrong?
+I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me... friends... co-workers... Tibor... I never thought it'd be my own wife.
+Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder.
+Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese Beaver.
+Oh really? I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around.
+Well, I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm gonna go right down stairs, unfold the couch, unroll a sleeping bag... Eh, goodnight.
+I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window?
+You've been reading my Wish Book, sir.
+Yes, well, Smithers, I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate. Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?
+Uh, you remember we did that once before?
+Oh, that's right, he's dead. And rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. All right, then. Bring me that crooner she likes so much... Tom Jones.
+These spurs are killin' me.
+Ayyy -- sit on it.
+Lenny, 50's Day is next Wednesday.
+I gotta go home and change!
+Here's your money.
+You know the problem here was water leakage. If you just buy a fifty cent washer --
+I've got a better idea -- get the hell out!
+Look, I've got some washers in my truck. I'll give you one.
+Tom Jones?
+I was wondering if you'd be interested in performing at a private party.
+Sorry, Mate, I don't do private parties.
+Then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase.
+All right, but I don't see...
+Pleasant dreams, Mr. Jones.
+Bart, to avoid this test you've had smallpox, the bends and that unfortunate bout of rabbies.
+Well, I'm not sure I'm over it. Shove it, witch.
+No more excuses!
+Her claws are really digging into my skull.
+She can crush clams with them.
+Get it off, get it off!
+Here we have an Alaskan Timber Wolf. He weighs 240 pounds and his jaws can bite through a parking meter. He does get spooked by loud noises.
+"Loud?" That's our secret word for the day!
+Oh my God!
+She must think you're after her eggs.
+I only ate one!
+Nice doggie.
+Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool.
+Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
+I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that.
+Sorry. No sale.
+You're wasting valuable test time.
+Mr. Burns, you want to see me?
+Actually, I was wondering if you were free for a little get-together tonight. Dinner, dancing and ... Mr. Tom Jones.
+Hello, Marge.
+That's it... big smile ... everybody's happy.
+Oh my goodness!
+My husband will be so excited.
+You... have a husband? Yes, I can picture him now... rugged good looks... sweater knotted about his shoulders... curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold...
+Homer, Mr. Burns gave me another raise today.
+The senile old fool.
+You're fired!
+You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm going to sue the pants off you.
+You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
+Hey, Wolfie, put down that hors d'oeuvre... It's time for the main course!
+Back to class, lad, nothin' to see here.
+Here's my test.
+Bart, I'm not even going to grade this until you tell me the truth about what happened out there.
+The truth is, there was no wolf. I faked the whole thing. I'm just going to lie on the floor now. Please don't let me swallow my tongue.
+There, doesn't it feel better to tell the truth?
+Oh dear.
+All right, now boy, we've got to rub some garlic on you before the next full moon.
+Don't feel bad for losing. I was wrestlin' wolves back when you were at your mother's teat.
+Why, Marge, look at all those flies buzzing around your head -- you're a mess, woman .
+So, do you think I have a case?
+Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
+It's 9:30 in the morning.
+Yeah, but I haven't slept in days...
+Last chance...
+Oh, yeah.
+Mr. Burns we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long.
+Yes, well, I have ten high-priced lawyers.
+He left his briefcase. Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers.
+Well, I guess that's it. People like us can't afford justice. Come on Homie, let's go before he fires you too.
+No! Mr. Burns, I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry for what you did to my wife.
+You love her, too.
+Damn right!
+Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life.
+Gotcha. Marge, we're gettin' some drive-thru then we're doin' it twice.
+No, I've got something even more special in mind.
+oooh...
+Get help, Luv. Call Interpol, get me a hacksaw -- anything.
+O.K., Ron, which one of our girls said the following about you: "He looked so sexy, I hoped we would have sex."
+Well, that's a tough one 'cause I did the deed with Uta, Candi, and Shasta.
+Hee hee! It's true, all right!
+Huh, huh, but, I'm going to have to go with Shasta 'cause she liked makin' bacon on the beach.
+Ooh, me too.
+Ahhh, bacon.
+Mr. Simpson, my husband and I have decided to move...
+Gonna run out the clock in Florida, eh?
+Yes, well, there's a few things you could do to help us sell our home. First, whenever you walk in front of your window could you please wear pants?
+Mmm... no.
+Second, could you please take in your jack-o-lanterns from past Halloweens.
+Mmm... no.
+And please cover your garbage. It's attracting wildlife.
+Wha... hey, moose! Shoo! Go! Talkin' to you! Get off my lawn! Now!
+Hello, what's this? Wire hangers! Expired medicine! Old newspapers! Okay Homer, stay calm. Just quietly get this stuff inside your house.
+Homer, you're not listening!
+That medicine's not for you.
+Come on, Marge. Maybe I'm not getting enough ...estrogen.
+Gimme that.
+Ahoy, maties. Had your fill of tacos? Would ye sooner eat a bilge rat than another burger? Then come for all-you-can-eat seafood at the "FRYIN' DUTCHMAN."
+Is it more iced tea ye be needing?
+Set sail for "The Fryin' Dutchman."
+Aye, aye Captain! Marge, we're going to that restaurant.
+But I think I'm allergic to seafood. The last time I ate shrimp, my throat closed up and I went into convulsions.
+Mmmm, shrimp.
+Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining, so why don't we just agree to pay whatever the Winfields want?
+That could work.
+What was that?
+There you are! Thought you could get away, huh?
+Goodbye.
+I don't think we should be down here.
+Nervous, Lis? I don't blame you. This is where the Winfields hid their mutated son.
+Bart! The Winfields didn't have a son.
+See that sock over there? It was his only friend.
+Hello, Lisa. Here in the dark you won't need those eyes. Let me have them.
+Bart, that's not funny.
+There are some who say the monster... ... is still... here!
+Friend... friend...
+Hey kid, wake up.
+Who are you?
+I'm Laura - your new neighbor. You all right?
+I fell on my bottom.
+Not again.
+My mother's inside, Mrs. Simpson. Please go right on in.
+Oh, you speak so politely to adults.
+My upbringing was painfully strict, ma'am.
+That's sweet.
+... and finally, Moe's Tavern has contributed a coupon as their way of saying "Welcome to Springfield."
+Thank you, this is all so nice. I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield. Especially after that Time cover story, "America's Worst City."
+You could see our house in that photo.
+And this is for the man of the house... which I guess... is you.
+I guess I should explain. Laura's father and I divorced two years ago. Oh, they're so sweet when you marry them, but soon it's just career, career, career.
+My hammock! Do you understand? Mine! Don't look that way.
+I bet you don't know this one. How'd you like a Hertz Donut?
+Hurts, don't it?
+...All you can eat, ha!
+Uh, right. Do you know what a Wet Willie is?
+Is it this?
+Hey baby, how about putting your finger in my ear?
+Well, I don't know, your boyfriend looks like the jealous type.
+Hey, what the --
+That chick's messin' with our minds.
+Let's get outta here.
+Now, where were we? Oh yeah, I was gonna tell your fortune.
+Oh, man, you're gonna be rich!
+There's your mansion. There's the tennis court... and there's the swimming pool! See you later, Bart!
+I'll never wash this hand again.
+Dad, make Bart wash his hand.
+Sorry, Lis, I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me.
+Shut up, you little monsters! Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to baby-sit my little angels.
+Sorry, this isn't Abbie, this is her sister. I look after her now.
+No, Bart, put it down. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down...
+No "All You Can Eat Seafood." I wore my extra-loose pants for nothing. Nothing!
+Maybe Laura could watch us.
+Oh, I get it. Bart, the baby-sitter's here. Let me tuck you in.
+Silence!
+Maybe it's time I wash my hand.
+I'll send Laura over to baby-sit as soon as she gets home.
+Great. Oh, uh... and there was something else. Something I was supposed to tiptoe around...
+My divorce.
+That's it! Whew, I'm glad one of us remembered. That could have been embarrassing.
+Well I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you can arrange it. After all, Homer, I do have the normal appetites.
+Heh heh, I know what you mean. Just let me make sure we're not talking about food.
+I'm not.
+Right. Me neither. We're talkin' about sex, right?
+I hear you loud and clear.
+Bart, are you taking a bath?
+Yes I am. And it would be nice to have a little privacy around here for a change.
+This wouldn't have anything to do with Laura coming over, would it?
+Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.
+Why, Laura. What a pleasant surprise.
+Cute. What do you guys want for dinner?
+I don't care. Ask Hef over there.
+Lady's choice.
+Sometimes I think you want to fail.
+Shut up. Just shut up.
+We used to eat this when my dad was stationed in Vandahar. Take your Kafta B-Sanieh and dip it in the Labneh.
+Now that is good Labneh.
+I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
+Hm, what about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?
+Well, I have some Tic Tacs in my purse...
+Excellent choice... and for the gentleman?
+All you can eat. All you can eat.
+All right. When you're ready, take this plate over...
+Please don't take the steam tray, sir.
+C'mon Bart, if I can teach Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.
+Just follow me. Put your hand on my hip.
+Wedgie!
+That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters!
+'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Arrrr...
+Six bells, time for closin'.
+Can't talk... eating.
+Fairly warned be thee, says I.
+Hey, hey, hey!
+But the sign said "All you can eat."
+I'm gonna fight this thing.
+Oh, please don't. For me?
+Sorry Marge, this is my quest. I'm like that guy -- that Spanish guy -- you know, he fought the windmills...
+Don Quixote?
+No, that's not it. What's his name? The Man of La Mancha.
+Don Quixote.
+I really think that was the character's name... Don Quixote!
+Fine. I'll look it up.
+Well, who was it?
+Never mind.
+Mmhmmm.
+Oh no! Here comes the "Conservative Judge!"
+Plead insanity! Plead insanity!
+It's not working!
+All right. Hit the change of venue button. Now!
+Oh no. You're in Texas!
+If I'd hit the "remorse" button one more time, I would have made it. Ah, Bart, I gotta go. See ya around.
+I am thinking you like this girl, yes?
+How did you know?
+My ceiling mirrors and video cameras sometimes see more than who is about to shoot me.
+Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The Neverending Story."
+So you think I have a case?
+Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.
+Woo hoo!
+I'm here to see my Grampa.
+Here I am, sonny.
+You're not my Grampa.
+Ah, c'mon, give me a chance. Hey, can your grandfather do this?
+Bart! Ah, you remembered my birthday.
+Huh? Oh. I sure did!... Here's a bus schedule.
+Wow! Fits right in my pocket!
+Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever have a crush on an older woman?
+I had a crush on the oldest woman. One hundred and twenty years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.
+What happened?
+She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd. Suddenly, she didn't have any time for me. I wore a 15 pound beard of bees for that woman, but it just wasn't enough.
+Dad, I have some questions about women.
+Uhh... can't you see I'm reading the uh...
+..._______ calendar? Hmm... Ooh, Mostly Mozart is in town.
+Homer, Bart's at a very curious age. As his father, I think you should have a frank and earthy discussion about...hmmm, you know.
+But Marge, I think he should learn about it the same way I did.
+Are you sure...?
+Maybe you're right. Now, if you'll excuse us, this is a sacred moment between a boy and his father.
+Dad, if there's a really special girl and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do?
+Son, a woman is a lot like, uh... ... a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they make ice and ... Oh, wait a minute, actually, a woman is more like a beer! They smell good -- they look good -- you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You want to drink another woman!
+So I says, "Yeah, if you want that money, come and find it 'cause I don't know where it is you baloney..." You make me wanna retch...
+How can I get her to notice me?
+Meet me at the treehouse, Bart. And come alone.
+Thanks for coming.
+I please to aim.
+I'm so happy, I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.
+You won't be needing this.
+A boyfriend...
+I really think you'd like him, Bart. His name's Jimbo.
+Jimbo Jones?
+Uh, you've been flushing for twenty minutes. Is there a problem?
+Uh no, Principal Skinner.
+Very well, I'll continue to wait.
+How can you like that guy?
+I don't know. Maybe 'cause he's an outlaw. You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house?
+Jimbo killed him?
+No, but he poked him with a stick.
+Hey Laura, Dr. Tongue has arrived.
+That's him, Bart.
+Who's the dork?
+Leave him alone, he's just a kid.
+I'll show them who's just a kid.
+Bart, it's your bedtime. I laid out your jammy-jams.
+I married her!
+Homer, please I just had eggs.
+Good luck in your trumped-up law suit, Dad.
+Thanks, that means a lot to me.
+All right you guys, I want you in bed before Jimbo gets here.
+What do you like about him? He's just a good-lookin' rebel who plays by his own rules.
+It was a moonless night, dark as pitch, when out of the mist came a beast more stomach than man.
+So I says to me bosuns, batten down the mizzen mast, maties...
+Captain McCallister, isn't it a fact that you're not a real Captain?
+Your honor I would like to show the court just how much shrimp Mr. Simpson ate. Bring it in boys!
+eighteen thousand letters all addressed to "Santa Claus!"
+You want the People of Springfield vs. Kris Kringle -- that's next door.
+Mrs. Simpson, isn't it true your husband once consumed a ten pound bag of flour when no other food was available?
+Yes, but it was...
+Your witness.
+Uh, there's a pizza here for...
+Right here.
+Mrs. Simpson, what did you and your husband do after you were ejected from the restaurant?
+We pretty much went straight home.
+Mrs. Simpson, you're under oath.
+We drove around until 3 a.m. looking for another "All You Can Eat" fish restaurant.
+And when you couldn't find one?
+We went fishing.
+Do these sound like the actions of a man who had... "all he could eat?"
+That could've been me!
+I've a proposition for ye, fair and true.
+Come on, Marge, let the people see your pretty face.
+What's wrong?
+Come see "Bottomless Pete", nature's cruelest mistake.
+Come for the freak -- stay for the food.
+Hey, baby, my shirt's chafin' me. Mind if I take it off?
+Well... Okay.
+I've gotta do something. Hmmmm.
+But it says "good for one free beer at Moe's." This is Moe's Tavern, isn't it?
+No, this is... Bo's Cavern.
+Give me my beer.
+Stupid Welcome Mobile, I knew it would ruin me.
+Hey, just a sec, I'll check. Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss!
+Maybe your standards are too high.
+You little S.O.B., if I ever find out who you are I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
+My name is Jimbo Jones and I live at 1094 Evergreen Terrace.
+Ah-ha, big mistake pal! I knew he'd slip up sooner or later.
+Ah, yes. Rusty and dull.
+Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
+What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray.
+Let's see, where is that map? Evergreen Terrace! There it is, F5.
+I don't believe it. Now my pants are chafin' me.
+All right, who's Jimbo Jones?
+You just made your second mistake, buddy boy!
+Please, dude, don't hurt me. Oh man... .
+That's your outlaw?
+I wasn't really gonna kill ya'. I was just gonna cut ya! Aah, forget it. Ouch, I better go check on Barney.
+Hey, Homer, phone call.
+Uh-oh. My heart just stopped. Ah, there it goes.
+Ow! Stupid wishing well.
+Jimbo, I don't think we should see each other any more. You're just not the guy I thought you were.
+Can I have my shirt back?
+Well, Bart, you were right about him.
+As usual. A knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.
+You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teenage mustache, I'd go out with you in a second.
+Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle; first name... Ivana.
+Ivana Tinkle. Just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle. All right, everybody put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.
+Har, har, har.
+Live from Hawaii's beautiful Molokai Island: "We're not just for lepers anymore!" It's Carnival of the Stars!
+I'm your host, Troy McClure! You may remember me from such films as "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules" and "Dial 'M' For Murderousness." Tonight, we'll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals! Excitement, She Wrote!
+How someone someone abuse their body that way?
+Moe! Don't throw out that brine!
+But first -- a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction is soon to be a movie of the week -- Krusty the Klown!
+I'll be played by Jimmy Smits!
+Now he faces his toughest audience -- three Siberian tigers!
+Simba! On the ball!
+Not the face!
+Eh, they'll be chewin' on him for a while.
+Ai yi yi -- La Policia!
+Hi, Homie. It's really starting to snow. I think you should come home.
+But Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban.
+Sorry, Ricardo.
+Take it easy, folks... it's "snow" picnic out there.
+I "snow" what you mean.
+You're dead weight, Marty.
+Well, I got him as good as he got me.
+Now, before I give you the check, one more question: Uh, this place "Moe's" you left just before the accident: this is a business of some kind?
+It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
+'Fraid old Zeke, he rides up here with me. Can't trust a pig with watermelons, ya know.
+She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene.
+What country is this car from?
+It no longer exists. But take her for a test drive and you'll agree, "Dazgreb ebn zloty gdev!".
+Put it in H!
+Kids! If we buy a new car, we get our parking validated for free.
+Do you come with the car?
+Oh, you!
+Do you come with the car?
+Oh, you!
+Bart! That car belonged to Bonnie and Clyde! Show a little respect.
+Our tireless safety engineers crash- test over one thousand cars a year.
+Hey, wait... that's not a dummy!
+This exhibit is closed.
+The Batmobile!
+Adam West! Hey kids, Batman!
+Dad, that's not the real Batman.
+Of course I'm Batman! See? Here's a picture of me with Robin.
+Who the hell is Robin?
+Oh. I guess you're only familiar with the new "Batman" movies.
+Michelle Pfeiffer... ha! The only true "Catwoman" is Julie Newmar, Lee Merriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?
+Nice meetin' ya! Just keep moving. Don't make eye contact.
+Wow! Just think what I could do with that plow.
+Homer, I've got to sneak these viable artworks out of the White House. But I can't get out of my driveway because of those protesters.
+Mr. President, those young people are about to get a dose of reality.
+Eh, I can't afford it.
+Pally, this doesn't cost money, it makes money! You make the payments by plowing driveways on the side.
+Well... I really should discuss this with my wife.
+Your wife?
+What? You think I'm going to buy a twenty thousand dollar truck just because you make that noise?
+I'll take it!
+I can't believe you bought that plow. We can't afford it.
+If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.
+Fine. I'll never ever do another stupid thing. Good night!
+Oh, Homie, didn't that hurt?
+Marge didn't reckon with these fliers and this flashy jacket.
+Forget it, Homer!
+People don't read these things. Watch.
+Twenty percent off at Lullabuys. Just tell 'em "Big Baby" sent you. I know you can hear me! I'm talkin' to you!
+You sicken me.
+I guess guys like us just can't get a break. Well, at least I can't sink any lower.
+Come back, diaper! Come back! Hi, ma.
+And now, to read from the Epistles of St. Paul, Homer Simpson.
+Dear Lord, in your infinite wisdom, you know the number to call when you need a plow is KLONDIKE 5-3226.
+Homer, this is really low.
+Not as low as my low, low prices.
+Uh, huh, that's Mr. Plow.
+I'm gonna lose my plow.
+Dad, have you considered buying commercial time on channel ninety-two? Check it out.
+Arr! Ninety sea chanteys on three compact discs.
+BLOW THE MAN DOWN MATIES / BLOW THE MAN DOWN... ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT / IN THE NAVY COME ON AND JOIN YOUR FELLOW MAN...
+Act now and get a bonus CD: "Hornpipe Fever." Arrgh.
+Almost time for our commercial.
+Dad, who's watching TV at 3:17 a.m.?
+Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners...
+Look! There we are!
+It may be on a lousy channel but the Simpsons are on TV!
+Our driveway's snowed in!
+Old Man Winter!
+That's right! I fill your driveways with ice and snow! What are you gonna do about it? Nuthin', that's what.
+Mr. Plow!
+Get out of here, you lousy... season!
+All right... I'm goin'... My head hurts. I have to lie down for a while.
+Hello, I'm Mr. Plow. Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snow blowers, and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow?
+Uh-huh.
+Then call KLONDIKE 5-3226. Call now and receive a free T-shirt.
+He could still surprise ya!
+But I'm a real tightwad. Can I afford this remarkable system?
+Absolutely! My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage.
+You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you Mr. Plow?
+Shut up, boy.
+So remember...
+CALL MISTER PLOW, THAT'S MY NAME! THAT NAME AGAIN IS MISTER PLOW!
+Well, John Q Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game.
+The waiting game sucks. Let's play "Hungry, Hungry Hippos."
+Thank you, Mr. Plow. Now my store can remain open.
+Let's do it.
+We're not prisoners anymore! We're free! We can go anywhere we want.
+I'm cold and frightened.
+Well, I'm afraid classes may be canceled today.
+We won't miss a minute of school, thanks to your father.
+Say your prayers, Plow Boy!
+Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get where they're going without resorting to public transportation or car pooling, I give you the key to the city.
+Here you go, Mr. Plow. A beer on the house.
+Wow, Moe, you didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages.
+I don't know. The SAT's are tomorrow.
+Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place. But Homer is a real hero.
+I wish I was a hero.
+Well wishing won't make it so. You've got to pull up your diaper, get out there, and be the best damn Barney you can be.
+Here I come world!
+How do you think he'll do, Moe?
+I think he'll do just fine.
+I was wrong about you buying that truck. I'm very proud of you, Mr. Plow. .
+This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind...
+Cutting my nails? Brushing my teeth?
+No. No. Could you wear the Mr. Plow jacket. Just uh... for fun.
+Oooh. Heh heh heh.
+CALL MR. PLOW / THAT'S MY NAME / THAT NAME AGAIN IS MR. PLOW.
+Ah, white gold.
+What the... What happ... uh... oh no...
+Hi ya, Homer! Say hello to the Plow King!
+Barney, you stole my idea!
+Don't worry Homer. There's nothing wrong with a little healthy competition.
+Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Plow.
+Hey, Plow King, save some for me.
+Wow! Linda Ronstadt!
+Linda Ronstadt? How'd you get her?
+Eh, we've been lookin' for a project to do together for a while.
+WHEN THE SNOW STARTS A FALLIN'... THERE'S A MAN YOU SHOULD BE CALLIN'... THAT'S KL5-4796 -- LET IT RING; /MR. PLOW IS A LOSER AND / I THINK HE IS A BOOZER...
+SO YOU BETTER MAKE THAT CALL TO THE PLOW KING.
+How could you, Barney? After all I've done for you.
+Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to... effervescent! All right! Harvard here I come!
+All right. Just one -- if it'll get you off my back.
+Hey, where have been all my life?
+Thank you, Plow King-a-lee-ding.
+Flanders, I thought I was your plow man.
+Ah, Homer, why don't you plow it again?
+Forget it pal. I don't need your phoney baloney job. I'll take your money but I'm not gonna plow your driveway.
+Mr. West! You said there was a job for me!
+There was, when I called you, forty-five minutes ago.
+So long Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.
+Ring, damn you. Ring!
+Mister Plow... that name again is Mr. Plow.
+Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors --
+Oh, you want the Mister Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow. You know... from "Leave It To Beaver"? Yeah, they were gay.
+Oh, what am I gonna do?
+I think you should do a new ad. One that's fresh and original.
+I know! I'll do a rap. I'M MR. PLOW AND I'M HERE TO SAY: I'M THE PLOWINGEST GUY IN THE USA / I GOT A BIG PLOW AND I MOVE A LOT OF THINGS / LIKE YOUR COW IT YOU HAVE ONE.
+Ooh / Meow / Dad, stop you're embarrassing us / Stop please.
+Stop it right now.
+Promise you'll never do that again.
+All right.
+Mr. Simpson, I guarantee you we'll come up with a commercial that can save your business. You know those radio ads where two people with annoying voices yammer back and forth? I invented those.
+/ Yeow!
+Happens all the time.
+Dad, was that your commercial?
+I don't know.
+The torch has been passed to a new generation of, uh, snow plow people... Come on, give me the key.
+These look like teeth marks.
+I thought there was chocolate inside.
+Well, why was it wrapped in foil?
+It was never wrapped in foil!
+Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene.
+Everything's snowed in. All I can see is white!
+Arnie please... the ski conditions!
+Mayday! Mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love--
+That's great Arnie.
+Hello... Plow King? I was wondering if you could plow my driveway on top of forbidding Widow's Peak.
+I don't know. I'd be up there all day... I wouldn't be able to plow any other driveways...
+There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
+Oh yeah? Which president's on it?
+Uh... all of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch.
+Wow! I'll be right there.
+Barney, I'd like to put a Spanish version of your jingle on my next album. SEÑOR PLOW NO ES MACHO / ES SOLAMENTE UN BORRACHO...
+Yeah, you do that.
+Well, I guess you can plow my driveway. But I wonder what happened to the Plow King.
+Well, I guess he just doesn't respect his customers.
+Oh, could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt?
+Kiss my asphalt.
+So I says, "Kiss my asphalt." Hmm? Hmm?
+Springfield's beloved Plow King is trapped.
+Barney Gumble, shown here donating $50,000 to the Shelbyville Dance Theater... was caught in a sudden avalanche on Widow's Peak earlier today. It was captured on film by a camera crew making the upcoming Fox special, "In Search of Bigfoot."
+Hold it, Bob, we can see your wristwatch.
+Oh, dammit!
+Hey, what's that?
+This is all my fault. I've gotta save him.
+Homie, please don't go.
+Hey, this old girl's as sure-footed as a mountain goat.
+Baaaaaaaaa! Baaaa! Baaaa... Baaa...
+Easy... easy...
+Ah, dying's not so bad. I'll be reunited with my loved ones. My dad... and that plant I never watered.
+Barney!
+Homer, you saved my life and I'm not gonna forget it. From now on, we'll be partners.
+Barney, that's great. When two best friends work together, not even God, Himself, can stop them.
+The snow's melted! We can go outside again.
+I don't like the looks of those teenagers.
+Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded greenhouse effect? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter are the "price" of car pollution, you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac.
+Y'ello.
+Hello, this is the Repo Depot. I'm just calling to distract you while we repossess your plow.
+Oh yeah? How dumb do you think I --
+Chipwich for sale! Chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin. Chipawich for sale!
+Ohh, now Homie, you have your health, you have your best friend back, and you do have that certain special something.
+You mean...
+MR. PLOW, THAT'S MY NAME. THAT NAME AGAIN IS MR. PLOW. Our forecast calls for flurries of passion followed by extended periods of gettin' it on.
+Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say Ma-ma?
+Can you say "get bent"?
+Mr. Rogers says it all the time.
+He does not.
+Maggie, can you say "daddy"? Dad-dy?
+"Kit-ty"? "Kit-ty"?
+"Be-bop"? "Be-bop"?
+"Shove it?" "Shove it?"
+Did you hear that? She said "burlap."
+Hmmm, I don't think so. Oh, Maggie, when are you going to talk?
+Well, don't push her. Remember, "Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
+Takes one to know one!
+According to 'Fretful Mother' magazine, if Maggie doesn't talk by age one, we should consider a corrective tongue extender.
+Hey, what was my first word?
+Uh, well...
+Aye carumba!
+You know, I don't think I remember... But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute.
+Tell it, Mom. Tell, it Mom.
+Yeah, tell it, Mom.
+Well, this story begins in this unforgettable spring of 1983: Ms. Pac-man struck a blow for women's rights... a young Joe Piscopo taught us how to laugh. Before Lisa was born, we lived in a tiny apartment on the Lower East side of Springfield.
+Youse guys wanna play stickball?
+Soitenly. Yeah, sure. Over here.
+Did you girls watch the last episode of MASH?
+That Mike Farrell really boils my p'tata.
+I miss-a da Klinger already.
+WHEN THE WORKING DAY IS DONE / GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FU-UN / THAT'S ALL WE REALLY WANNNNT...
+Homer is what grown ups call me. Call me Daddy.
+Da... da... da...
+Ye-esss...
+Why you little...
+He'll tire himself out soon.
+Then the prince and the princess got married and lived happily ever after.
+Then what happened?
+Uh, They had 30 sons and 30 daughters.
+What were their names?
+Dennis... Brad... Mavis... Brad...
+No, this is true. The Coast Guard arrested Boy George for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy.
+Heh, heh. Got your nose.
+Got your wallet.
+Nooo! Bart, don't you ever do that again. Understand?
+Guess what, Homie... There's going to be twice as much love in this house as there is now.
+We're gonna start doin' it in the morning?
+We're going to have another baby.
+Marge that's...
+Bye-bye, keys.
+Hear that, Bart? You're going to have a little brother or sister to play with!
+Who did this?
+Bad baby!
+Heh, heh, heh.
+I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
+No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21!
+Won't that warp him?
+My cousin Frank did it.
+You don't have a cousin Frank.
+He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu, now.
+That afternoon, we left Bart with my sisters and went househunting.
+Hey, Bart, want a dollar? Uh, uh, uh, you know what I want to hear.
+I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT / THIS IS MY HANDLE/ THIS IS MY SPOUT... THE ITSY-BITSY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATER SPOUT, ETC...
+Oh yeah.
+DOWN CAME THE RAIN, AND WASHED THE SPIDER OUT.
+Love that spout medley.
+Now, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, the only houses I have in your price range are in the neighborhood colorfully referred to as the "Rat's Nest."
+This one just came on the market.
+Oh dear.
+Now, here we have beautiful hardwood floors, track lighting...
+What's that stench?
+Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it.
+Mmmm. Hog fat.
+Let's keep looking.
+Ew. Do you smell something?
+Arrr! Why buy a house when ye can buy a house boat?
+Excuse me.
+Don't forget to check out the galley -- that's real shag carpeting. Arrr.
+Once we get these cats out of the way it won't be too bad.
+Actually, according to the will, the cats own the house. You'd be their tenants.
+I wish we lived in the kitty house.
+I could have trained them to be my unholy army of the night. Go my pretties... kill, kill!
+We were about to give up, when we found a house that was perfect...
+Just imagine what we can do with this place.
+Wow. How much? How much?
+Well, here's what they're asking.
+I can't afford that!
+Dad, I have a problem.
+Why'd you come to me. I don't know nothing. I used to get by on my looks. Now they're gone -- withered away like an old piece of fruit.
+Are you done?
+No, not yet. I was voted the handsomest boy in Albany, New York.
+Dad, I don't need advice, I need $15,000 to buy a home.
+Oh! Well, all I own is this house, that I built with my own two hands.
+You didn't build this house. You won
+it on a crooked '50's game show!
+I ratted on everybody and got off scot free!
+All right, son. I'll sell this dump and write you a check.
+Dad, first you gave me life, now you've given me a home for my family. I'd be honored if you came to live with us.
+Thank you.
+So, how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old folks home?
+About three weeks.
+Maggie I'll give you this cookie if you talk.
+What? What?
+All right, you win round seven.
+When are we going to get to my first word?
+Your what-what?
+My first word.
+Eh, you don't want to hear that story. I know! I'll tell you about the time I got locked in the bank vault with Mr. Mooney. It was another one of my hair-brained schemes.
+Wait a minute. That was a "Lucy" show... Okay, where were we?
+Mom was pregnant and Dad just threw our money down the sink hole.
+Ah yes. I remember the day we moved in...
+Hey, Homer. This house sucks.
+Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me "Daddy."
+Homer. Nyahhh.
+WE WELCOME YOU TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD / SING FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...
+Fa la la la la la la!
+FROM NOW ON, YOU'LL BE HISTORY...
+you'll be hist...
+You'll be hist...
+You'll be history!
+Buenos dias, neighboritos. The handle's Flanders, but my friends call me Ned.
+Hi, Flanders.
+Who the Hell are you?
+My name's Todd. Would you be my friend?
+You're funny!
+If you need anything, just give a whistle.
+I could use a TV tray.
+Well, gee, I...
+I just this minute bought it at the hardware st...
+You said, anything.
+Sure, you can borrow it for a little while.
+And that "little while" is now eight years and counting. Heh heh heh.
+Anyway, Bart had just entered the "terrible twos."
+I AM SO GREAT / I AM SO GREAT / EVERYBODY LOVES ME / I AM SO GREAT... / EVERYBODY LOVES ME...
+Oh, honey... honey... honey... HONEY. Could you please be quiet?
+QUIET, BIET, DIET, ZIET, FIET...
+Bart, get out!
+Not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
+Heyyy, kids! Summer's just around the corner, and Krusty Burger is the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1984 Olympics!
+Coochy, coochy, coo!
+Krusty funny.
+It's all a part of our Krusty Burger Olympic Sweepstakes. Just scratch off the name of the Olympic event on your gamecard... and if America wins a gold medal, you win a free Krustyburger!
+Mmm... Mmm... Mmm!
+And... cut!
+Bleh! I almost swallowed some of the juice.
+Uhh. I'll be tasting that for weeks.
+Great spot, K.C.!
+Put a sock in it, preppy. How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
+Not to worry, Mr. K. We've rigged the cards. They're all in events that Communists never lose.
+I like, I like.
+This just came over the wires, Big K.
+Uh huh... Soviet boycott... U.S. unopposed in most events... how does this affect our give-away?
+Let's see...You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars.
+Bart, from now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.
+Crib! Crib! I'm a baby!
+All right, I know how to handle this. Just use a little reverse psychology. Let's go, Marge. Leave the baby with his little crib.
+Ah, Homer J. Simpson, you're a genius.
+I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed. Now you can laugh yourself to sleep.
+If you should die before you wake...
+Can't sleep... Clown'll eat me... Can't sleep... Clown'll eat me...
+Oh, doctor! We are seconds away from the 100-meter Butterfly, and with the East German "women" shaving their backs 9,000 miles away.
+... The Americans are heavy favorites.
+Patience, my pet.
+And the Americans jump out to an early lead.
+Although, we should point out that many of the other women represent countries that don't have swimming pools.
+Boo hoo! You're breaking my heart.
+Homie... I think the baby's coming.
+Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
+Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family.
+We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson. Enjoy the miracle of creation.
+Shut up, Flanders.
+So, kids, what do you want to play?
+Good Samaritan!
+I get to clothe the leper.
+Suppertime, boys.
+Oh boy! Liver!
+Iron helps us play!
+I want to go home.
+No I don't.
+I GOT THE JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY, DOWN IN MY HEART --
+DOWN IN MY HEART TO STAY / AND IF THE DEVIL DOESN'T LIKE IT HE CAN SIT ON A TACK --
+Sit on a tack...
+Paw! Can ye help me with my sums?
+Oh Bart, you met Grandma Flanders. Hope she didn't scare ya.
+Hello, Joe!
+Can you say "David Hasselhoff"?
+Little Lisa. I've already started you a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan.
+According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.
+Yeah, well Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.
+Bart, there's someone in here who wants to meet you.
+Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa?
+I hate you.
+I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
+Mondale to Hart: Where's the Beef?
+"Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean?
+"Where's the beef?" No wonder he won Minnesota.
+Everyone agreed that Lisa was a beautiful baby...
+Here she is!
+Isn't that cute -- she's coughing.
+Aw. I'm gonna give her a kiss.
+I know a new song.
+You still here?
+Allouetty, jaunty allouetty, allouetty... ...Hmm. Allouetty...
+You already sang that part!
+The older they get, the cuter they ain't. Hey, the baby just spit up!
+Oh, wooja, wooja, wooja wu.
+Uh, wooja, wooja, wooja, wooja, wu.
+Welcome back to the final day of this, the 23rd Olympiad. Brought to you by Krustyburger.
+You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger.
+I like those odds.
+In a moment, we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast Kim Hwan, who made a perfect dismount on what was later revealed to be a broken leg.
+Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggg....
+Ouch! But first, let's go to the boxing venue.
+Please, please, please, please, please...
+Davah Hassahoff.
+Can you say "Daddy"?
+The American Drederick Tatum does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede. One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victory at Granicus and Issus.
+U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!...
+Carl Lewis, I could kiss you.
+She has the reflexes of a young Mary Lou Retton. Have a wowwy-pop.
+Can I have a lolly-pop?
+Oh Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one. But I've got something even better for you -- a rubella inoculation.
+I wanna hold the baby. I wanna hold the baby.
+I'm sorry, Bart, you're too little.
+Here, Bart, you can hold my beer.
+Goodnight, honey.
+Hello, Lisa.
+Lisa, time for your feed --
+Who's cuter now?
+She started it... came at me with a pipe...
+Stupid mailman... squeal on me...
+Heidy-ho, Simpson. Your son shoved this through our doggie door.
+And since we're returning your second born, do you think you could see your way to returning my TV tr...
+Boy, you get over to the corner and you ... yeah.
+I liked it when it was me, Mom and Homer. You wrecked everything. I'm leaving. Goodbye.
+What did you say?
+Sufferin' succotash! You can talk!
+Mom, Dad, she can talk! Say it again, Lis.
+Bart. Bart Bart Bart Bart Bart.
+I'm her first word!
+Well, I'm not surprised. Lisa's crazy about you. She thinks you hung the moon.
+Wow! Lisa, can you say "Mommy"?
+No, sweetie. "Daddy."
+I was sitting there!
+I don't see your name on it.
+It's right there.
+Bart! Don't write on the rug!
+Ha, ha. Mom yelled at you.
+Did not.
+Did too.
+Y'know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back.
+I hope you never say a word.
+COPS: in Springfield!
+BAD COPS BAD COPS / BAD COPS BAD COPS / SPRINGFIELD COPS ARE ON THE TAKE / BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR THE MONEY WE MAKE / WHETHER IN A CAR OR ON A BUS / WE DON'T MIND USING EXCESSIVE FORCE BAD COPS BAD COPS / BAD COPS BAD COPS...
+All right, boys, time to bag us a cattle rustler.
+What in God's name are you doing?
+Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace?
+No, that's next door.
+Close but no donut, cops.
+This is "Papa Bear." Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect; driving a... car of some sort; heading in the direction of a... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
+I can't wait till they throw his hatless butt in jail.
+Honey, you really shouldn't eat so much in bed.
+It's not good for your heart.
+My heart is just fine...
+Homie, what is it?
+Just workin' the turkey through. There it goes!
+Hey Lis, there was a big train wreck last night. You wanna see the victims?
+Huh, okay.
+Bart, that's gross!
+You're right. Let's bury them at sea.
+You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I've got that right now. Ooh... bacon!
+Homer, I prepared a special surprise just for you.
+It could only be one thing.
+Psst! The best meat's in the rump.
+Here you go.
+What the hell is this?
+Nice healthy oatmeal.
+Ooh, oatmeal. What a delightful treat. Ugh, there's a bug in it.
+No there isn't.
+Trust me.
+Dad, there's a bug on that.
+Come on, come on!
+Oh dear.
+Now, you've done it.
+I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
+It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.
+Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission.
+Hey, where's he goin'?
+Billy, remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
+We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nickapaupolous?
+You're a dull boy, Billy.
+Look at that pig stuffing his face with donuts on my time. That's right, keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned donut. There is a poisoned one isn't there, Smithers?
+Uh, no sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
+Damn their oily hides.
+Bring him to me!
+Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly, "Hello."
+... and, "Goodbye!" You're fired!
+But wait, perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled... at goofing off!
+Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig. A grave for. Your indolence is inefficacious!
+That means you're terrible!
+Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
+Oh dear. Send a ham to his widow.
+Mmm... ham.
+No, wait. He's alive.
+Oh good. Cancel the ham.
+Wow, look at that! How do they know to cross there?
+I'm telling you, it's not going to work.
+He was taking a bite and his jaw locked.
+Hey, look. I can fit my entire fist in here.
+What's that, Chief?
+Oooh, "Buy three tubes of Mr. Blister, get one free."
+Hello?... Yes... Oh, dear lord! Homer's in the hospital! They think it's his heart.
+Oh, my God.
+Five cents off wax paper.
+Thank you.
+Oh, Homie, I was so frightened.
+Marge, my whole life flashed before my eyes.
+Aw, little Homer.
+How'd he get that?!
+FALL ON YOUR KNEES / OH HEAR THE ANGELS' VOICES /
+What a voice. Young Homer is going to make me a millionaire.
+OH NI-IGHT, DI- Vine. Hey, my voice just changed.
+OH NIGHT, WHEN CHRIST WAS BORN...
+Dagnabit!
+Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you've just had a mild heart attack.
+But I'm out of the woods now, right? I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
+Oh no, quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. Look!
+Hey, c'mon, quit it.
+Coochy coochy coo!
+Stop. Please stop.
+Oh, you swing like a girl. Come on, now.
+Please, have mercy.
+Got your nose.
+Not funny.
+How 'bout this little bee?
+No! Remember your hippopotamus oath.
+Can't you do something for him?
+Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
+What an age we live in!
+Now, what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected, flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
+But doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
+Good lord.
+Now Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start you jiggling, and measure how long it takes to stop.
+Woo hoo, look at that blubber fly.
+Yes. Nurse, cancel my one o'clock.
+Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary by-pass operation.
+Say it in English, doc.
+You're going to need open heart surgery!
+Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo.
+We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
+Could you dumb it down a shade?
+Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homie well.
+Good. I must warn you though, the procedure will cost you upwards of thirty thousand dollars.
+I'm afraid it's now forty thousand.
+Okay, okay. We need forty-thousand dollars. Now, how much do we have in the checkbook?
+Seventy dollars.
+Hmm, have we deposited any forty-thousand dollar checks that haven't cleared yet?
+No. Don't you have health insurance at work?
+Well actually, we gave it all up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
+Don't worry, Marge. America's healthcare system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain. Well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay.
+Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
+Questions? Questions? Oh gee, my whole scheme down the... I mean, ask away.
+Oh good. Now, under "Heart Attacks" you crossed out "3" and wrote "0".
+Oh, I thought that said, "Brain Hemorrhages."
+Uh huh. And uh, do you drink?
+I do enjoy a snifter of port at Christmas.
+All right. Here's your policy.
+Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker... I just...
+Oh, hold on there, you still have to sign it.
+Oh. I...
+Must... sign... policy...
+Sir, I'm sorry, we can't insure you.
+I made an "H".
+No, that doesn't count.
+Looks like an "X."
+We'd better get you to a hospital.
+Can I have a free calendar?
+Oh doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone. And there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt.
+Mr. Simpson, you must get that operation as soon as possible.
+I can't afford it. Maybe I should buy one of those machines.
+Oh yeah, that's the stuff.
+Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there "Blah, blah, blah-ing" I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners... well, anyhoo... can I have forty-thousand dollars?
+Now, I know I haven't been the best Jew... but I rented "Fiddler on the Roof", and I will watch it. Anyway, can I have forty-thousand dollars?
+Now, I know I haven't been the best... aw, forget it.
+Honey, did you have any luck?
+No, but the rabbi gave me this.
+What is it, Dad?
+Son, they call it a "droodle". Whoo hoo! Look at him go!
+Hi Everybody. Are you looking for a way to slash the cost of your medical expenses?
+Bo-ring.
+Wait, this might be the answer we're looking for.
+I will perform any operation for One twenty-nine ninety-five. Come in for brain surgery and receive a free Chinese finger trap.
+Okay, friend. You tried the best, now try the rest. Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The "B" is for bargain!
+Well, Marge, we could do worse.
+Uh... some dog could do the operation.
+Operation? What are you talking about?
+Kids, I have something to tell you.
+Oh, Homie, I don't know. This might upset them.
+Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
+We feel neither highs nor lows.
+Really? What's it like?
+Well, you kids are old enough to know the truth and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
+So the tiny Aorta Fairies will take Mr. Leg Vein on a long trip to get married to Princess Left Ventricle.
+Dad, are you trying to tell us you're getting a coronary-artery bypass graft?
+Uh, yeah.
+Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.
+Kids. Kids... I'm not gonna die. That only happens to bad people.
+What about Abraham Lincoln?
+Uh... he sold poison milk to school children.
+Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on 'em.
+Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down.
+Homer Simpson! Well, if that don't put the "dink" in co-inky-dink.
+Flanders? What are you doin' here?
+I'm having a kidney and a lung removed.
+Who are you donating them to?
+First come, first served! What are you in for?
+I got a bad heart.
+If I could give you my heart, Homer, I would.
+Shut up, Flanders.
+Hi, everybody! I'm Dr. Nick Riviera
+Dr. Riviera... Dr. Nick Riviera please report to the coroner immediately.
+The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy. Well, see you in the operating place.
+Dr. Riviera! Dr. Riviera! Where are the bodies?
+Ah, such a nice day, I think I'll go out the window.
+Dear Lord, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks, and "Sweatin' to the Oldies," Volumes One, Two and Four.
+Ah, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
+Dear Lord, I'm really scared about this operation tomorrow. If something happens, please look after Marge, and make sure my kids grow up right.
+... And that's why God causes train wrecks.
+My dad is very sick. What's gonna happen if he dies?
+Well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven.
+In heaven, you get to do whatever you like best, all the time.
+Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down. Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down...
+Bed goes up. Bed goes down...
+Hey hey!
+Hey, what's the matter? Oh, that's right. My grotesque appearance.
+Krusty, why are you here?
+Oh, it's part of my public service for my glug, glug, vroom, vroom, thump thump.
+Oh well, I could use a good laugh.
+Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know, I'm in the Zipper Club myself.
+You seem okay.
+Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. This ain't make-up.
+They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an up side to it.
+We passed this card around at work.
+Gee, thanks, guys.
+They had a hell of a time replacing you.
+When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it.
+Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
+Whaaa? Well, what the hell am I sposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
+Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old time's sake.
+Thanks, Moe.
+Mom, this is fascinating. Did you know that they'll stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes?
+I don't know if I like you reading all those cardiology books.
+No, Mom, it's very reassuring. And I've learned a great deal from this cow's heart I got at the butcher shop.
+Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge.
+Oh no! Blood!
+Next, make an incision in the coronary artery...
+And we are back with more of "People Who Look Like Things."
+Oh no! no! Someone taped over the end of this.
+All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
+And a new candle now and then?
+And a new... no!
+Oh, my little Maggie, I may never hold you again... ew, stinky pants.
+Now, Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're gonna be lonely...
+Oh Homie, I could never remarry...
+Darn right. And to make sure, I want to be stuffed and put on the couch as a constant reminder of our marital vows.
+Ohhh... kids, you can come in now.
+Bed goes up... Kids, I want to give you some words to remember me by in case something happens. Let's see... uh... Oh, I'm no good at this.
+Bart, the saddest thing about this is I won't get to see you grow up, because...
+I know you're gonna turn out great, with or without your old man.
+Thanks dad.
+And Lisa...
+I guess this is the time to tell you...
+You're adopted and I don't like you.
+But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.
+Oh dad.
+Hi, everybody!
+Hi Dr. Nick!
+Now if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved. One hand washes the other -- Ooh, that reminds me.
+These gloves came free with my toilet brush.
+What the hell is that?
+Marge, this is Andre.
+Hello...
+I think you two would make a lovely couple.
+My husband is still alive!
+Oh, thank God. I hope he pulls through.
+Not me.
+Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend Homer Simpson.
+How long has it been?
+Six seconds.
+Do we have to start over?
+Hell, no.
+Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
+Gimme some jerky.
+Would you like some vodka with that?
+Oh, what the Hell, sure.
+Doctor, what's wrong? Don't you know where to make the incision?
+Alright Nick, don't panic. Think back to Med school.
+Seriously baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
+I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? And where?
+Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage. Below!
+Thanks, little girl.
+THE KNEE BONE'S CONNECTED TO THE... SOMETHING. / THE SOMETHING'S CONNECTED TO THE... RED THING. / THE RED THING'S CONNECTED TO MY... WRISTWATCH... UH-OH.
+Good news! The operation was a complete success.
+Oh, that's wonderful!
+Dr. Nick Riviera. Remember me?
+Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg -- with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.
+All right, Dad!
+You rule intensive care!
+Yabba dabba doo!
+SIMPSON, HOMER SIMPSON / HE'S THE GREATEST GUY IN HISTORY / FROM THE TOWN OF SPRINGFIELD / HE'S ABOUT TO HIT A CHESTNUT TREE
+What do they do with these things after we seal 'em?
+I hear they dump them in an abandoned chalk mine and cover 'em with cement.
+I hear they're sending 'em to one of those southern states where the governor's a crook.
+Either way I'm sleepin' good tonight!
+Well, sir, where shall we dump this batch -- the playground?
+No, all those bald children are arousing suspicion -- to the park!
+I think it's full, sir.
+That's ridiculous, the last tree held nine drums.
+Agent Malone, Environmental Protection Agency. Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game of "hide the ooze."
+Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you three million dollars.
+Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
+Oh, and uh, I'll take that statue of Justice too.
+Oh, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
+Ohh, there's going to be a town meeting to decide how to spend Mr. Burns' money.
+Oh, what a boon it could be for our under-funded public schools.
+Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.
+Hm excellent. Hello, Lisa. I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go. Defile what I defile. Eat who I eat. Hmm?
+C'mon, Lis. We both know how this money should, nay, must be spent.
+Bart, we'll do anything you want. Just call off your giant mechanical ants!
+Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
+Like a giant billboard that says, "No fat chicks"?
+Oooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.
+Could this town be any stupider?
+Ordah! Please rise for the a Pledge of Allegiance.
+Get to the money!
+In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting...
+Get to the money!
+Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the-a disbursement of the-a two million dollars.
+Don't you mean three million dollars?
+Of course. How silly of me.
+Excuse me, we could use the money to hire firemen to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.
+Bo-ring!
+Hello. My name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from... eh, someplace far away. Yes, that will do. Anyway, I-I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
+I like the way Snrub thinks.
+Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result I almost missed work.
+Crybaby.
+My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first...
+Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
+Well surely you've all noticed the terrible condition Main Street is in.
+Many of us have destroyed it by leaving winter chains on our tires and carrying too much weight.
+Woo-hoo, look at that pavement fly!
+And those potholes are becoming a real nuisance.
+Now hold on just one minute. Sure, we could fix up Main Street. We could put all our eggs in one basket...
+Shut up! I wasn't done yet. I'm just saying we could blow all our money on a stupid little street, but..
+I ain't fer it, I'm agin' it.
+Main Street! Main Street! Main Street!
+All those in favor of Grampa Simpsons' plan for re-building Main Street, please...
+You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
+Heh-heh... mule.
+The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Ah, it's not for you. It's more of a "Shelbyville" idea.
+Now wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
+All right. I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea.
+I give you the Springfield Monorail!
+I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook and, by gum, it put them on the map!
+Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail. What'd I say?
+Monorail.
+What's it called?
+Monorail!
+That's right, monorail!
+I hear those things are awfully loud.
+It glides as softly as a cloud.
+Is there a chance the track could bend?
+Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
+What about us brain-dead slobs?
+You'll be given cushy jobs.
+Were you sent here by the devil?
+No, good sir, I'm on the level.
+The ring came off my pudding can!
+Take my pen knife, my good man.
+I swear it's Springfield's only choice, throw up your hands and raise your voice.
+Monorail!
+What's it called?
+Monorail!
+Once again!
+Monorail!
+But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
+Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
+MONORAIL / MONORAIL / MONORAIL!
+Mono...
+Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!
+I still think we should have spent the money to fix Main Street.
+Well, you should have written a song like that guy.
+Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover.
+"Miss" Hoover? That is hard to believe.
+Oh, you.
+Now, I'm here to answer any questions you children may have about the monorail.
+Can it outrun The Flash?
+You bet.
+Can Superman outrun The Flash?
+Eh, sure, why not? Hello, little girl, wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?
+Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass transit system in a small town with a centralized population.
+Ha, ha. Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.
+Really?
+Wow, Dad. You really know your monorails.
+Oh, I could give you an answer, but the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me... And that includes your teacher.
+Next question -- You there, eating the paste.
+Coming soon, it's "Truckosaurus, the Movie" starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckosaurus.
+You crazy car. I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.
+Celebrity voice impersonated.
+Are you stuck in a dead-end job?
+Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box?
+What's it to ya?
+Are you on your third beer of the evening?
+Does whiskey count as beer?
+Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field of Monorail Conducting by enrolling at the Lanley Institute.
+Actual institute may not match photo.
+Marge, I want to be a monorail conductor.
+Homer, no...
+It's my life-long dream.
+Your life-long dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?
+Oh, yeah.
+Good evening. Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter?
+I am, and.. she is.
+Well, I'd like you to please leave.
+Should we take our hidden camera?
+Would you?
+Let's go, Phil.
+True or false: You can get mono from riding the monorail?
+Hmmm, false... No, wait. Maybe it's true.
+No, you were right, it's "false." Wow, you really are gonna be a monorail conductor!
+That's right, boy.
+You know, I used to think you were stuck in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.
+Heh-heh. Kids.
+But now, I want to follow in your footsteps.
+Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju!
+I'll get back to you.
+Come on... keep it comin'... over... over... mmm hmm... mmm hmm... Hi, Homer!
+I hate that sound.
+According to this book, the monorail goes over a hundred and fifty miles an hour. What if something goes wrong?
+"What if?" What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh, my God, I'd be killed!
+It frightens me that you want to work on something that's so unsafe.
+We monorail conductors are a crazy breed. Half in love with death -- gobbling up danger like ordinary men eat peanuts... Am I turning you on?
+What if I undo this button?
+Goodnight, Homer.
+What if I talk like this?
+What if I SING TO YOU? I GAVE MY LOVE A CHICKEN THAT HAD NO BONE/ Mmmm chicken.
+...so then, "mono" means "one" and "rail" means "rail." And that concludes our intensive three-week course.
+Hey, wait, man. Who gets to be conductor?
+Oh, right, that. Well, I've been monitoring your progress closely...
+But this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest.
+Who, me?
+Yeah, sure.
+Woo-hoo!
+After an exhaustive search, Springfield has found its monorail conductor -- Homer Simpson.
+And this is the snack holder where I can put my beverage -- or, if you will -- cupcake.
+THE WICKED WITCH.
+Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!
+I call the big one Bitey.
+I'm going to see Mr. Lanley.
+Mr. Lanley? Mr. Lanley?
+How much did you see?
+Nothing incriminating.
+Well, bye.
+I don't know why I leave this lying around.
+I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook.
+Is there a chance the track could bend?
+I call the big one Bitey.
+I've sold momorails to Brockway, Odgenville and North Haverbrook.
+Is there a chance the track could bend.
+I call the big one Bitey.
+Go away! There ain't no monorail and there never was!
+Excuse me, Miss, you asked about the monorail?
+Who are you?
+My name is Sebastian Kobb. Lanley hired me to build his monorail. He cut corners everywhere... bad wiring... faulty brakes... and the celebrity on the maiden voyage was Gallagher.
+This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
+Mr. Kobb, what can we do?
+You just better have a damn good conductor.
+I locked my keys in there. Get a rock.
+Ladies and gentlemen, nothing brings out the stars like the maiden voyage of a monorail. Everyone's here, from recently outed leading man, Dash Calhoun... to Krusty the Clown!
+Hey, Hey.
+Krusty, why won't you answer my calls? You've never even seen our son!
+Here's one of those loveable high-schoolers from TV's Springfield Heights, 90210. He's cool, he's sexy, he's thirty-four years old, let's hear it for Kyle Darren!
+And here's country singing sensation, Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford clinic!
+What ya been up to Lurleen?
+I spent last night in a ditch.
+How about that, folks?
+Now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshal, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
+I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.
+And let me say, "May the force be with you."
+Do you even know who I am?
+I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
+Mr. Lanley! Aren't you gonna ride the monorail?
+Little lady, I'd love to. But I have to catch a plane.
+But the ride only takes a minute.
+Yeah, well my plane leaves in less than one minute.
+His car SCREECHES off.
+All aboard!
+We're too late!
+I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.
+Actually, you see the doors on Star Trek were not mechanical. We had a stagehand on either side who would pull the door open when he saw you approach.
+Uh-huh.
+Stick your head out the window, boy. It's the greatest!
+Yee-hawww!
+Can't you stop it, Dad?
+I'm trying my best.
+The lever you have pulled -- brakes -- is not in service. Please make a note of it.
+How fast are they going?
+Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, 180 miles an hour.
+Ahhh. It's making me dizzy. I'm gonna take a nap.
+All right, I'm in charge here.
+Ah, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
+Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
+Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby!
+You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass. Now, beat it. I'm calling the shots.
+I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain. The town charter says in an emergency, I run the show.
+Well, we'll just see about that. Let's go to town hall.
+Fine. Should we take one car, or should I follow you?
+Hey, according to the charter, as Chief Constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month "... and two comely lasses of virtue true."
+Keep the pig. How many broads do I get?
+Hey. Hey, hey, let go! You're rippin' it.
+No, you are.
+No, you are.
+Let go, that's the charter.
+Wait a minute, we can just shut off the power!
+No such luck, it's solar powered.
+"Solar" power. When will people learn?
+A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
+Does anyone wanna switch seats?
+I did it!
+Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
+North Haverbrook? Where have I heard that name before? Oh, no. Oh, no!
+There he is! Seat 3-F.
+Krusty wants out!
+No. The world needs laughter.
+Are we gonna die, son?
+Yeah, but at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.
+Homer? Homer?
+Y'ello.
+Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
+Batman?
+No, he's a scientist.
+Batman's a scientist.
+It's not Batman!
+I think I have a way to stop the train. You need to find an anchor of some sort.
+Think harder, Homer.
+I'll take that.
+Uh... Dad?
+Now separating Siamese Twins is a long and costly procedure.
+Arr. Ye call that an anchor?
+Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
+Dad, you're a hero!
+Yes, son. I'm the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.
+Well, my work is done here.
+Whadaya mean, your work is done? You didn't do anything.
+Didn't I?
+And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever embarked upon -- except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper... and the fifty foot magnifying glass... and that escalator to nowhere.
+Hey, hey!
+Hey Lance Murdock! You just jumped 16 blazing school buses. What are you going to do now?
+I'm going to Duff Gardens.
+Duff Gardens! Home of "The Whiplash."
+To be completed in 1994.
+And "The Washing Machine"!
+See the happiest fish in the world at our fabulous Beerquarium!
+Bart, warm up the car. We're going to Duff Gardens.
+Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
+We're under six!
+And I'm a college student! Heh, heh.
+Kids, I have some bad news. Your Great Aunt Gladys has... passed on.
+Gladys, Gladys... `bout yay high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead?
+No honey, Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
+Oh yeah, there she is.
+The funeral's in Little Neck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
+We understand.
+No use complaining about something you can't change.
+But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
+Oh Homer, quit pouting.
+I'm not pouting. I'm... mourning. Stupid dead woman.
+ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI... ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE... I LOST MY POOR MEATBALL...
+If you don't mind! We're on our way to a funeral.
+Ding-dong, the witch is dead.
+WHICH OLD WITCH?
+Patty. Selma. I'm sorry.
+He's hugging us. What do we do?
+Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
+Hey Homer, this luggage is crushing me.
+Hey you don't hear Lisa complaining.
+I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
+Her legend will live forever.
+Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman!
+Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good.
+Homer, that's very rude of you.
+Could we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.
+All right, I'm almost there.
+Another placemat, sir?
+Please.
+While we're waiting for our pie, let's take a minute to remember Great Aunt Gladys.
+Wait a minute. That was "Prince of Tides."
+Five... six... seven... eight...
+What are you kids playing?
+Counting game.
+That's nice.
+... Nine... ten...
+He was a good man. He was a kind man. He gave to his community and asked little in return. He never...
+That's a woman? Dear Lord. Well, I guess most of what I said can be salvaged.
+Take a seat, bozo. And that "eulogy" better not show up on the bill.
+I'll keep this short. Gladys lived alone. Died alone. I guess you could say she was a role model for Selma and me. She wasn't a rich woman... but she was rich in spirit.
+Forgot my hat.
+Patty, I want a baby.
+Don't hassle the dead, boy. They have eerie powers.
+It's just not fair, dammit!
+Goodbye, Great Aunt Gladys. I wish I had made more of an effort to get to know you these last few years.
+Don't worry about it.
+I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?
+I would like to start by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...
+All in favor of skipping the poem?
+Thank you.
+And that has made all the difference... Now, let's get down to business.
+To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave fifty thousand dollars.
+Mr. Hutz!
+You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would!
+To Marge, I leave my collection of potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here. Otto Von Bismarck. Maurice Chevalier. Right up to Jay Leno.
+These chips were my children, Marjorie. Take special care of them.
+Uh, oh.
+To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet iguana, Jubjub.
+Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
+To my dear, childless nieces, Patty and Selma, I leave my grandfather clock and these words: Don't die lonely, like me. Raise a family. And do it now. Now. Now! Now! NOW!
+Hey, a grandfather clock, not bad.
+Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.
+Don't worry. We'll get that Barking Dog record tomorrow.
+What do I do here?
+Just tell us about yourself.
+Well, I want to have a baby before it's too late You're looking at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it.
+Ach! Back to the Loch with ye, Nessie!
+One drop of this love potion and you will have any man you desire.
+Really? What are the magical ingredients?
+Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol... you'll be lucky if it doesn't make your hair fall out, actually.
+Paper or plastic?
+You decide.
+So, wearing a belt, are ya?
+No suspenders for you.
+I guess not.
+Orange is really your color.
+They make us wear this.
+Shall we continue this conversation over dinner?
+Uh... I'm not allowed to date customers... it's store policy.
+No it isn't.
+Shut up, Arnold.
+No, go for it, man.
+R... F... J... question mark... smiley face...
+Next! Wait a minute. It says here you're single.
+Did I do wrong?
+Combed... biscuits... chicken... yellow... mailman...
+You're reading the wine list, sir.
+Very good.
+I don't know how to thank you for dinner.
+Use your imagination.
+Ehh! Get out of my car.
+This isn't my house.
+Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore. Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds of "Hooray for Everything!"
+HEY KIDS / TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE / AND ALL THE RACES SING: / DOO DOO DOO / SHOO-BEE DOOBEE DOO...DO DO DO... SHOO-BEE DOOBEE DOO... YEAH!
+Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend?
+Sure... unless another aunt dies.
+Selma! Your date's over already?
+Yeah. I was so depressed I ate a jar of expired olives. I guess I'll never have a baby.
+Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
+Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
+I knew that.
+How do I know I'm getting quality?
+Don't worry. Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process.
+All done!
+Thank you.
+Always a pleasure.
+What a beautiful little girl.
+A hundred and one frozen pops. A Nobel Prize winner... an NBA All-Star... Ooh, one of the "Sweathogs!"
+I checked, it's not Horshack.
+Oh. Are you sure you wanna have a baby this way?
+Yeah, you've had some pretty bad experiences ordering out of catalogs. Remember that mail order husband?
+Ooh! You look just like your picture.
+Sorry. My mind's made up. I wanna have a kid and this is the only way I can do it.
+Why do you wanna have a baby so bad?
+I gotta lot of love to give. And right now my only outlet is my ham radio.
+Modgreb ebn ljuobvitcher!
+Are you sure you've thought this through? A child can really change your life.
+You'll have to give up smoking.
+I'll chew.
+No man'll want you.
+All I got now is sperm in a cup.
+Oh great. Dad's dead.
+Have you been eating that sandwich again?
+Sand... wich...
+Geez, we hardly made a dent in that ten-foot hoagie.
+I'll give it a good home.
+You've been eating that thing for a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
+Two more feet and I can fit it in the fridge.
+Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away.
+Suggestion noted.
+Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
+Are you going to eat it?
+You look terrible.
+I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens.
+S-s-o cold.
+Your lips are turning blue. I think you'd better stay home.
+No! Duff... Gardens... hurrah!
+... We really appreciate your taking the children on such short notice.
+We'll have fun, won't we kids?
+To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
+That's the spirit! See ya tonight.
+Goodbye Dad! Don't eat any solids.
+But I love solids.
+It won't be any fun without you, Dad.
+This is all your fault! Oh, how can I stay mad at you?
+There it is!
+The Duff Beeramid.
+The Beeramid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction...
+Ah, plenty more where that came from.
+Look! It's the Seven Duffs!
+There's "Tipsy"! And there's "Queasy"!
+There's "Surly"... and "Remorseful".
+Take a picture. It'll last longer. Get outta here.
+Four score and seven years ago, we took the finest hops and barley to brew a refreshing, full-bodied lager.
+Ahhh. BOOM-CHA-CHA-BOOM. I'M RAPPIN' ABIE AND I'M HERE TO SAY / IF YOU WANNA DRINK BEER DUFF'S THE ONLY WAY. I SAID THE ONLY WAY... BREAKDOWN!
+This is a disgrace.
+Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational. Bart!
+Let's see if they wore underwear back then.
+Do you feel any better?
+No. What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? A thousand to one.
+Well, to cheer you up I rented a couple of videos. "Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins" and "Yentl".
+Yentl? Whuzzat?
+It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts to enter Rabbinical school.
+Sounds great!
+Oh my God, you're delirious.
+Beer Goggles - See the World Through the Eyes of a Drunk.
+You're charming the pants off of me.
+What'd you say, Aunt Selma?
+I said take off those damn glasses!
+Oooh, this looks like fun...
+A bench! Kids, what do you say you go get your Aunt Selma a beer smoothie?
+Hey man, if the line's this long, it's gotta be good.
+Get bent.
+What's going on here? Oh, Yentl. I might have known.
+That Yentl puts the "she" in Yeshiva.
+Hmmm, well, you've cooled down.
+That's what you think .
+You know, I rented another tape... in case you felt better.
+The Erotic Adventures of Hercules.
+With Norman Fell as Zeus!
+Woo hoo!
+DUFF BEER FOR ME/ DUFF BEER FOR YOU/ I'LL HAVE A DUFF/ YOU HAVE ONE TOO/ DUFF BEER FOR ME/ DUFF BEER FOR YOU/ I'LL HAVE A DUFF/ YOU HAVE ONE TOO/
+I want to get off.
+You can't get off. We have five more continents to visit.
+Hey Lis. I dare you to drink the water.
+I'm not sure that is water.
+Chicken?
+Bart, quit it, Bart. Quit it, quit it, quit it!
+Bart, be quiet. Lisa, drink the water.
+They're all around me. No way out. No way out I tell you!
+What's wrong?
+Well, you just put your head right here.
+Aaaahhhh!!!
+Hercules, the cyclops tore off my clothes.
+Bart! Lisa!
+Ahhh, I can see the music.
+Mitch, you're doing a bang-up job.
+Thank you, sir.
+Whoa. That isn't good.
+STOP THE RIDE!!!
+I'll have to ask my supervisor.
+Better stop it.
+Can't you do something?
+Surly only looks out for one guy. Surly.
+Sorry, Surly.
+Shut up.
+Don't blame these kids. It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome.
+Ms. Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars.
+And I don't think George Washington will never be the same.
+Ai yi, yi, yi, yi...
+We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
+I am the Lizard Queen!
+Give her this... and this... and then these.
+Thank you, Doctor.
+Oh, I'm not a doctor.
+Come to Homercles.
+I can't. The beans'll burn.
+Homercles cares not for beans.
+Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens?
+Can't talk. Comin' down.
+How do you do it, Homer?
+You take an ordinary bed sheet, fold it around like this...
+No, I mean raising kids. I just couldn't cut it today. All I wanted was a little version of me that I could hold in my arms...
+Oh, Jubjub.
+When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.
+Nineteen.
+You make me feel. You make me feel like a natural woman...
+Eye of the Tiger, Bart. Eye of the--
+I stopped it!
+And I hurt somebody. Haw, haw.
+Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp.
+Let's all congratulate... Nelson!!!
+Thanks, Dad!
+Told ya!
+Come on, Bart! We're gonna go sneak into an R-rated movie.
+It's called "Barton Fink!"
+No thanks, I told my Dad I'd wait for him.
+Bar-ton Fink! Bar-ton Fink! Barton Fink!
+Homer, we're going to my sisters'! Remember, pick up Bart!
+I'm on my way!
+What'd ya say, Marge?
+That could be Dad... station wagon... luggage rack...
+I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR / IN NUMBERS TOO BIG TO IGNORE / AND I KNOW TOO MUCH TO GO BACK TO TODAY
+Dad, where are you?
+Tonight, on "Wings..." Aah, who cares?
+This isn't funny.
+Homer Simpson! Homer Simpson! Pick up Bart! Pick up Bart!
+Trab pu kcip. Trab pu kcip.
+What have we told you about writing on the walls? Go to your room.
+After sixteen glorious seasons, the Green Bay faithful bid farewell to Bryan Bartlett Starr.
+Hmm, I keep thinking I'm forgetting something.
+Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!
+Bart Bart! Bart Bart Bart! Bart!
+I can't think with all this noise!
+What am I supposed to do?
+Pigabar? What the hell is pigabar?
+Bart?... Bart!
+Whyyyyy?!... Howwwww?!... Whennnn?!... Whichhh?...
+Dad, hide your shame!
+Hey Homie, I can see your doodle!
+Shut up, Flanders.
+Hey, boy. How was soccer practice?
+Hey, Bart, son. Here's my way of saying, "I'm sorry."
+I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too... I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out "who forgot to pick up who" till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.
+Now how about a hug?
+Hello, New York!
+When Lorne asked me to host this show, I said Lorne, why me? I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tovah Borgnine. Yeah! Anyway. We got a great show for you. Well actually, the last half hour is a real garbage dump. Uh... we'll be right back.
+I miss Joe Piscopo.
+Lost your dad?
+Uh-huh.
+He's not coming back, is he?
+He might.
+No, he's not. But at Bigger Brothers we can help.
+Hello, Bigger Brothers? My name is Bart Simpson and I don't have a father.
+And now, it's time for another episode of the Big Ear Family!
+Honey, I'm home! Ooh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean `em.
+Eh? Eh?
+This goes on for 12 more minutes.
+So the last time you saw your father was six years ago.
+Yeah... he left me out on the curb for the ashman. What a revoltin' development.
+You brave little soldier.
+I've been saving someone special for a case like yours.
+Bart Simpson?
+I'm Tom. Let's ride.
+Bart's dad has really pulled himself together.
+Bart's not mad at me.
+He called you a bad father.
+Marge, when kids these days say bad, they mean good. And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt. Permit me to demonstrate.
+No, I just think you should talk to Bart about-- Good Lord!
+Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill?
+It's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! It's not fair, it's not fair I tells ya.
+No, no. Someone made three hundred dollars worth of phone calls to something called "The Corey hotline."
+Wasn't me.
+Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa?
+Dad, can I...
+Yeah, yeah, yeah.
+Aw honey, I know what you're going through. When I was a girl I had a crush on Bobby Sherman.
+The point is, I want you to stop making these calls.
+All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. Bobby Sherman...
+Your dad ever take you to baseball games?
+Nah, his game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand.
+Hit me.
+Twenty.
+Hit me.
+Twenty-one.
+Hit me.
+Twenty-two.
+If I ever meet your dad .
+The start of the game will be delayed so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party.
+Eh, this is better than dart day.
+Now let those ear drops sit for 20 minutes. If you get bored, here's a M*A*S*H coloring book. Here's a good one. "Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons."
+Hi, you've reached the Corey hotline. $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory. Story. Allegory. Montessori...
+Okay, Bart. Tomorrow we'll blast your quads.
+This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy.
+That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of furballs in stomach acid.
+You idiot!! You're trying to kill me, man.
+Someday I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a Neural Disrupter.
+He's not dead, is he Bart?
+Nah... But I wouldn't give him any homework for a while.
+Very good, Bart. Thank you.
+Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprece-dented eight-year military build-up.
+Hm. Milhouse, you're next.
+Uhhh... I have a horsie.
+Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you young-uns think we old timers aren't any fun. But we'll show 'em. We'll show `em all! Heh, heh, heh, heh.
+Hi, this is Corey. I hope you and I can get married some day.
+Hey, boy! Where you going?
+Father-son picnic.
+Have a good time! Wait a minute.
+Lisa, I know I can trust you to inventory this Glee Club peanut brittle.
+Yes, Principal Skinner.
+Now, I've gotta slash 40 percent out of the budget.
+Science...
+Ah, music and art.
+What in blazes?!
+Good Lord... That's a 900 number!
+Let's see what's in the newspaper today... Hmmm... "Canada Stalls On Trade Pact"...
+Hey, look at that forest fire down there.
+Yeah. Great.
+What's the matter?
+Well... I've been thinking. You've been really great to me... but there's probably some other kid who needs you even more.
+Bart, I could kiss you, if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't. No one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing. Now, let's set down at that Frogurt stand.
+So that's it!
+Hello, son. Where have you been?
+Playing with Milhouse.
+No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you, haven't you. Look at me.
+Dad, it just kinda happened. You're taking this too hard.
+How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart, have your fun, I'll be waiting for you?" I'm sorry, I can't do it.
+Well, what are you going to do?
+Ho, ho, you'll see.
+And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?
+Uh... Revenge.
+What the?
+Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson!
+Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you.
+Ugly... wiener... crater face... Soo-ee! Soo-ee!...
+Ehhh, maybe this was a mistake.
+Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour.
+I'll take him! Do you have him in blonde?
+Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time. If you can make it till midnight without calling the Corey line, you'll know you've beaten it forever.
+Midnight?
+Listen to your mother, Lisa. I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye... and swift hand.
+Oh, there's mother now. Watching me. What's that, mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I... Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore!
+I think we should go.
+Uh - huh.
+Just like Oscar the Grouch.
+Poppa Homer!
+Son, your life is gonna get better -- starting now.
+Your son Bart sounds very bad.
+Oh, he is.
+Son, I just want you to know I love you very much.
+Shaddap!
+Mmm... grapefruit.
+I just press this button and the door opens like magic.
+Why does it stop there?
+Because it's a stupid piece of junk!
+Well, I'd better get you home.
+What's the matter?
+Uh-oh. Better not let him see me.
+I've spent every night of my life in the city. I have never seen the stars.
+Tell me more! I want to know all the constellations!
+Well, there's... Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan... the cowboy.
+Oh, Poppa Homer, you are so learned.
+"Learned," son, it's pronounced "learned."
+I love you, Poppa Homer.
+I love you too, Pepsi.
+MUST YOU BE FOREVER DIALING THAT PHONE?!!!
+Excuse me.
+Oh, c'mon! Hurry!
+Aw, Lisa. You tried your best.
+At the tone, the time will be: Twelve midnight.
+I made it!
+Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard?
+I gave it to Pepi.
+Who the hell is Pepi?
+He's my little brother. That's right -- you're not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization.
+Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were.
+Come on, Bart. We had our fun. Remember when I used to push you on the swing?
+I was faking it.
+Oh yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad, higher!... Whee, whee... Push harder, Dad!..."
+Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!
+You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals like you and me.
+Is that true?
+Come 'n' get it. Woo! Heh, heh, heh. Come `n get it. Woo! Heh, heh, heh. Stupid dolphin.
+He's got my hotdog!
+Oh... it's you. So, you're looking well.
+Come on, Bart. You know better than to talk to strangers.
+For your information, I'm his father!
+His father? The drunk and gambler?
+That's right. And who might you be?
+There you go, fellas.
+Look! There's another disadvantaged boy.
+There's a couple of guys fighting at the Aquarium, Chief.
+They still sell those frozen bananas?
+I think so.
+Let's roll.
+This just in, a fist fight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate -- and these are very preliminary -- that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
+Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys? All right. I could use some names. I.P. Freely?
+Uh... Homer?
+Oh. Right.
+This is even more painful than it looks.
+This is all my fault, Dad. I didn't want you to get hurt.
+Now I need to find another little brother.
+And I need to find another big brother.
+My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home.
+And me, I have no ride at all.
+I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste.
+Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry.
+Well, goodbye.
+Wait! I've got an idea!
+An idea?
+Another beer, Dad?
+Thanks, son.
+I ate it.
+Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go you kicked him in the back?
+Will you teach me how to do that?
+Sure, boy.
+First, you gotta shriek lika a woman, and keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back.
+And then when he's lying on the ground...
+Kick him in the ribs...
+Step on his neck, and run like hell.
+Doin' the Monster Mash with you on this beautiful Valentine's Day.
+Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs.
+Well, it's, it's kind of a love song. All the monsters, enjoying each other's company... dancing... holding their evil in check.
+You played the wrong record, didn't you?
+Why are you doing this to me?
+Bah! This is just another "Hallmark Holiday," cooked up to sell cards.
+Awww. A valentine from my granddaughter.
+Could I have the envelope?
+To Moe -- From Your Secret Admirer.
+Yoo hoo!
+Oh, God, no.
+And this is for my Huggy Bug in honor of this special day.
+Happy... Valentine's Day!
+Ah, thank you, dear.
+Woo hoo!
+Oh, no. It's a package from Ralph.
+I'll bet you have a lot of things planned, eh Dad?
+Uh, kind of. Nobody makes a big deal out of Valentine's Day.
+IF YOU THINK I'M CUDDLY / AND YOU WANT MY COMPANY / COME ON WIFEY LET ME KNOW... UGH, UGH, UGH... OOOH...
+Hey, Dad. Why don't you give Mom her present?
+What a nice idea, son. It's uh, upstairs on the second floor of our house. I'll just go get it.
+Apu, you gotta help me! I need a valentine's gift for my wife.
+Perhaps this might be appropriate.
+Yes! You saved my life. How much?
+One hundred dollars.
+What? That's highway robbery! I won't pay it!
+Ohh, I think you will.
+Forget it, pal!
+La da de / La da da... La da dum da de da da dum da dum da de
+All right. But I'll never shop here again.
+If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.
+Nickel off on expired baby food.
+Miss Hoover, can we exchange our valentines?
+Not just yet, Janey. First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
+Isn't that just pointless busywork?
+Bullseye. Get cracking.
+Yes, Ralph.
+My parents won't let me use scissors.
+The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter.
+Now, take out your red crayons.
+Miss Hoover?
+Yes Ralph.
+I don't have a red crayon.
+Why not?
+Attention everyone. This is Principal Skinner.
+Some student -- possibly Bart Simpson -- has been circulating candy hearts featuring crude, off-color sentiments. Well let me tell you something, Valentine's Day is no joke...
+Sending your chick a valentine, eh?
+Johnny!
+Johnny.
+JOHNNY!!
+Cool, I broke his brain.
+All right, children, you may now exchange valentines.
+Miss Hoover?
+I glued my head to my shoulder.
+Poor Ralph.
+Here you go, Ralph.
+You choo choo choose me?
+Happy Valentine's.
+All right, special holiday meal.
+Where do you want these beef hearts?
+On the floor.
+It doesn't look very clean.
+Just do your job, heart-boy.
+Bart, what's wrong?
+My baboon heart! Body... rejecting it...
+Can I walk you home... valentine?
+Sure, I guess.
+That valentine sure was funny.
+Glad you liked it.
+It says, "choo choo choooose me," and there's a picture of a train.
+Yeah. Nice gag.
+Uh. So... Do you like... stuff?
+The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there.
+Well, here's my house.
+Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show -- featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowee sauce!
+Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well I'm not afraid to tell you you're a .
+Oh, I'd give anything to go to that show!
+I'd sell my first-born son.
+You'll do as your told.
+Ralph thinks I like him. But I only gave him a valentine 'cause I felt sorry for him.
+Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
+What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
+Well, honey, I--
+Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend," "I think we should see other people," I no speak English"...
+I get the idea.
+"I'm married to the sea," "I don't want to kill you, but I will--
+Honey, honey, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.
+Thanks, Mom.
+And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn."
+Ralph, I think you're nice but, I'm just not ready for this kind of thing. Do you understand?
+I guess so.
+Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?
+Son, whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence. Keep at it and never lose your cool.
+Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts.
+Okay, dad, I'll be persistent. Is that how you got mom?
+Your broth, Mr. President.
+Well, son, never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform.
+Ah, yeah.
+Hey boys and girls, only four days `til my Anniversary Show. Twenty-nine years... and when I came on they said I wouldn't last a week. And you know where those reviewers are? All dead! How ya doin' down there fellas? Heh, heh. Anyway, here's a clip:
+Now, why do they call this a Urine Monkey? Ugh... I just found out.
+That's funny for so many reasons. We have to go to that show.
+Forget it. To get those tickets our parents would have to be part of Springfield's cultural elite.
+Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?
+Oh no, it's Ralph! Just make some excuse.
+She's in the can. Go away.
+Yes, sir. I'd do anything for Lisa.
+Really?
+Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy.
+Yeah, they'll do that.
+"Dearest Martha, since boyhood I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill. And with your help, this I shall achieve. Sincerely, George Washington."
+Thank you, Rex. I've selected the cast for our President's Day pageant. Martha Washington will be played by Lisa Simpson.
+George Washington will be played by... Ralph Wiggum.
+What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school.
+Sit down, Rex.
+I will not sit down. Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow.
+That's absurd, Rex. Ralph won the part fair and square.
+That's the signal. Take the boot off the car, boys.
+Now Ralph is in this play with me. I just know he's going to embarrass me in front of the whole school.
+Oh, a Malibu Stacy Convertible! "Look in the tunk." He must mean trunk.
+Tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.
+Oh, it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test.
+I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him.
+You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you.
+What if he wants to hold hands?
+I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
+What if he wants a kiss?
+I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
+What if he...
+You don't want to know how far I'll go.
+Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like?
+Sure it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?
+Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, but my conscience is bothering me.
+Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do.
+Homer, that's a terrible thing to say.
+Oh, shaddup.
+Yes, sir.
+I am so glad you cho-cho-chose to come.
+Hmm, I think you should give that a rest, Ralph. Chief Wiggum, how did you ever get these tickets?
+Krusty knows how to play ball.
+Ah, nothin' beats a good porno movie.
+Chief Wiggum! Is this a bust?
+Uh. Yeah. That's just what it is, a bust.
+That story isn't suitable for children.
+Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
+It's the Krusty the Clown 29th Anniversary Show!
+Hey! Thank you, thank you. Hey, Mr. President!
+I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you.
+Y'know, I started this show so long ago, the Ayatollah only had a goatee. Ha! Ha!
+What's the matter, don't you people read the papers? Ahh, let's look at some clips.
+He will not see me stopping here / To watch his woods fill up with snow...
+Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man?
+We discussed this and I said "No."
+Now here's a clip from 1973.
+TRY TO RUN / TRY TO HIDE / BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE...
+What was I on?
+Lisa, you want a bite of my ice cream?
+No, thanks.
+Send it this way, boy.
+Whoops.
+Aw. Nothing gets chocolate out. See?
+I've worked with some marvelous second bananas over the years... But none more memorable than Sideshow Raheem.
+Eh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this.
+I wouldn't.
+Right on.
+Angry, angry young man. Now, for my favorite part of the show: Whazzat say? Talk to the audience!? Oh, God, this is always death. All right.
+Oh no. Please don't show me with Ralph.
+What's your name, son?
+And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
+Yes! I love Lisa Simpson and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
+Noooo!!
+Now you listen to me -- I don't like you. I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is `cause nobody else would!
+First prize... first prize...
+Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
+A-a-a-a-and, now.
+At least you guys are my friends.
+Son, I know just how you feel. You got a great little girl and the world's your oyster!
+No, Dad, she made a fool out of me.
+Heyyy... Come to think of it, she did. Well, she didn't reckon with the awesome power of the chief of police.
+Now, where did I put my badge? Hey! That duck's got it.
+Aw, come on! Come on! Give that back. I need it. Ah, keep it.
+Something wrong, officer?
+Yeah. You got a tail-light out.
+Right there.
+You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.
+They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?
+This orange drink is the only way to recoup our terrible losses from "Fire Drill Follies." I just don't know what went wrong.
+You opened the show with a fire drill and everyone cleared out.
+Hmm. So mother was right -- it was my fault. Go ahead, water it down some more.
+My god, man! I've watered her down as far as she'll go. I canna water no more.
+Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
+We begin with a tribute to our lesser-known Presidents.
+WE ARE THE MEDIOCRE PRES-I-DENTS / YOU WON'T FIND OUR FACES / ON DOLLARS OR ON CENTS / THERE'S TAYLOR/ THERE'S TYLER / THERE'S FILLMORE AND THERE'S HAYES / THERE'S WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON...
+I DIED IN THIRTY DAYS!
+We... are... the...
+ADEQUATE / FORGETTABLE / OCCASIONALLY REGRETTABLE / CARETAKER PRESIDENTS OF THE U... S... A...!
+Hey, girls. Check out this President.
+I am not a butt.
+Miss Hoover.
+Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
+I'll be good.
+Ralph, I'm sorry I...
+Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington.
+Uh... Ralph?
+Miss Hoover, this beard's giving me a rash.
+Milhouse, you have one line and then you're shot. Now get out there.
+I thought that Civil War would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater.
+Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!
+Hasta la vista, Abie.
+C'mon, boy! Finish him off!
+You're next, Chester A. Arthur!
+Unhand me, Yankee.
+And now, our evening comes to an end...
+Woo hoo!
+... with a thorough re-telling of the life of George Washington.
+Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
+Well, can it?
+Dear madam. Would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the Providence that sustains us?
+But couldn't we just give in to the British?
+That boy is magnificent.
+He makes me want to learn more about our founding fathers.
+To the library!
+Dear Martha. I fear my time is at hand.
+Oh, George...
+I asked for no broth. Away with you, lest my cane find your backside!
+Hm. Yes.
+Please don't leave me, George.
+Dear wife, If I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss.
+Now that's a man.
+I dinna cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig. But I'll cry now.
+FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!
+Thanks for coming. And don't forget to purchase some orange drink for the long ride home.
+Ralph! / Ralph, sign my book. / Kiss my hand! / Etc.
+Hi, Ralph. You were great tonight.
+Ah, thanks.
+I've got something for you.
+"Let's bee friends." It says "bee" and there's a picture of a bee on it!
+I thought you'd like it.
+Aww. Lookit that.
+Attention all units! Riot in progress at...
+Not tonight.
+Hey hey! Bill and Marty here wrapping up a beautiful President's Day.
+To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you.
+Dog gone it.
+Well Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
+Go-go ray?
+Allow me to demonstrate.
+Dah! What the...?
+Can't... stop... doing... The Monkey!
+I'm disrupting the learning process... and I love it!
+First prize!
+First prize... first prize...
+First prize... first prize...
+Why are you saying that?
+Just screwing with your mind.
+Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project.
+Yeah, syrup is better than jelly.
+I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with Anabolic steroids.
+The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence?
+The very same. I think this tomato could wipe out world hunger.
+More tomato?
+Yes please!
+Where's your Science Fair project, boy?
+I thought I'd investigate the effects of cigarette smoking on dogs.
+Bart, don't give the dog cigarettes!
+Whelp, time to go to work.
+Roll in at nine, punch out at five. That's the plan.
+Then to the Duff Brewery.
+I gotta think of a lie, fast.
+Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
+If the plant ye wish to flee, go to sector 7-B.
+To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a bible verse. Uh, thou shall not...
+Hey, that looks like Princess Di!
+Ah, wait. It's just a pile of rags.
+Oh Bart, I forgot my math book. Would you hold this for me, please?
+Soitenly. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
+Whoop. Shoe's untied.
+Over, under, in and out, that's what shoe tying's all about.
+Nooooo!
+Bart!!!!!
+Welcome to the Duff Brewery. Now I'm sure all of you have heard the rumors that a batch of Duff was contaminated with Strychnine.
+Strychnine? / First I've heard of it. / News to me. / Etc.
+Are you sure? Everyone's talking about it. It was even on CNN last night.
+CNN? / Wow. / No we didn't. / Etc.
+Well it's not true. Let's go.
+Now here's one of our favorite Duff Beer commercials from the early 1950s.
+Only Duff fills your q-zone with pure beer goodness.
+So drink up. And up! And up!
+Duff Beer! Proud sponsors of Amos and Andy.
+We're proud of all our Duff commercials. But here's a very special one from 1960.
+Well, I would suggest Mr. Vanocur, that if you knew the president, that that was probably a facetious remark...
+And now a word from our sponsor.
+I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.
+I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.
+The man never drank a Duff in his life.
+... And here we have Duff, Duff Lite, and our newest flavor, Duff Dry.
+What does the future hold for Duff? Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve.
+Like what?
+Um, I'd rather not get into it right now.
+Why not?
+All right, we don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy?
+Mom, Bart wrecked my project and the science fair's in three days!
+Well, I got an idea! Why don't you run a hamster through a maze?
+Help me! Help me!
+What's so funny?
+Oh... I was just thinking of a joke I saw on "Herman's Head."
+Now this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control.
+Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine.
+Lemme just say, you're doin' a great job, Phil.
+Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile.
+Mmmm... Gummi Beer.
+Hey, Barney. I think you've had enough.
+Are you crazy? We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff...
+Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive.
+I'm fine.
+Okay, you leave me no option.
+Ow. What was that for?
+I'm trying to knock you out.
+Ow, cut it out.
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Awright, here, take the keys!
+Look alive, boys. Coupla stewed prunes headed your way.
+W,X,Y, AND Z / NOW I KNOW MY ABC'S / WON'T YOU COME AND PLAY WITH ME?
+Flawless.
+We also would have accepted "Tell me what you think of me."
+I guess you're free to...
+Give him a breathalizer!
+Gee, thanks. You're under arrest.
+You think you can get this car home?
+Sure thing, Giant Beer.
+Ow! Ooh... ow... Mother of Mercy... Hey, this is kinda fun. Whee!!
+Ah, yeah, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
+Oh my God. He's dead?
+Oh, wait. I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
+My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is DWI.
+Uh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.
+Don't worry, Homer. I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here. Surprise witnesses. Each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him.
+Pipe down in there, Hutz.
+Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alch-anon meetings.
+Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
+It doesn't get any better than this.
+I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
+Okayyy... This little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. MacGregor.
+How can a hamster write mysteries?
+Well, he gets the ending first, then he works backward.
+Oh, come on.
+Look kid, just take him before his mother eats him. All right?
+Have a good day at work, honey.
+Haw haw!
+Stupid bicycle. Can't believe this. No good, rotten...
+I guess it's not all bad.
+I propose to determine the answer to the question: "Is my brother dumber than a hamster?"
+Hey Lis, look what I can do.
+Doggone it.
+Remarkable.
+Stupid books. Hey, a cupcake.
+Uh-huh.
+Aaahhh!
+Hamster one... Bart... zero.
+Experiment two: The food is connected to a mild electrical current.
+The hamster has learned a valuable lesson. Beware the hand of man.
+Oooh - wise guy, eh?
+Ow... ow... ow!
+Hampster two... Bart zero...
+Now if any of you ever think of drinking and driving again, this film will scare the pants off of you.
+Guys, guys, this is the wrong movie. Oh, wait a second, I do something really funny here.
+What a terrible waste. Hi! I'm actor, Troy McClure. You might remember me from such Driver's Ed films as "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot." For the next 60 minutes we'll be seeing actual film of car crash victims.
+It's funny `cause I don't know him. Heh, heh, heh.
+I'm here for the Alch-anon meeting.
+Huh uh, third door on your left.
+Coping with senility?
+No! I'm here for microwave cookery. No, wait. Coping with senility.
+My name is Ned.
+Hello Ned.
+It's been four thousand days since my last drink. It was my first and last Blackberry schnapps.
+Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today?
+Ann Landers is a boring old biddy.
+I was more animal than man.
+My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.
+My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm thirty-one years old.
+My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.
+Homer, with our help you'll never touch a beer again.
+So they say I might have a problem.
+Homie, do you ever drink alone?
+Does the Lord count as a person?
+Then, yes.
+Do you need a beer to fall asleep?
+Thank you, that'd be nice.
+Do you ever hide beer around the house?
+Do I ever!
+Do you ever drink to escape from reality?
+Homie, I'd like you to do something for me.
+You name it.
+I want you to give up beer for a month.
+You got it. No deer for a month.
+Did you say beer or deer?
+Please, Homie, I know you can do this.
+All right. Starting tomorrow, no beer for a month.
+What was that noise?
+I was saying "Pssst. I love you."
+Bart, could you go get the cupcakes?
+Cupcakes, cupcakes. Yes, sweet cakes for all.
+Well, beer... we've had some great times.
+WHEN I WAS 17 / I DRANK SOME VERY GOOD BEER / I DRANK SOME VERY GOOD BEER I PURCHASED WITH A FAKE I.D. / MY NAME WAS BRIAN MCGEE / I STAYED UP LISTENING TO QUEEN
+WHEN I WAS 17.
+She'll pay for this. I'm gonna crush her like this pellet.
+Ow! Ow! Ow!
+Looking for something?
+What have you done with my report?
+I've hidden it. To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than the...
+Got it.
+Behold gravity! In all its glory.
+Pretty lame, Milhouse.
+Can I touch it?
+I've worked too long and hard on this for you to screw it up now.
+But it's got my name on it.
+Just stand over there.
+Over there!
+Behold the flying machine that will carry me, Phileas Fogg, around the world in 80 days!
+Dang, I was aiming for his head.
+Hm. Alcohol fueled car.
+One for you... one for me... One for you... one for me...
+I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.
+Please, Mother. It's purely in the interest of science.
+Step right up folks! We'll answer the question that has been plaguing scientists for ages. Can hamsters fly planes?
+Oooh, look he's got miniature goggles on!
+And a little scarf, isn't that adorable?
+But this project has no scientific merit.
+Lisa, every good scientist is half B.F. Skinner, and half P.T. Barnum. I don't think I need to see the other exhibits. First prize!
+One down. Twenty-nine to go.
+DOWN WITH SEXISM! DOWN WITH SEXISM! DOWN WITH SEXISM!
+Huh, look at all those feminists.
+You thinking what I'm thinking?
+T.V. have you turned on me, too?
+The windup and the two two pitch... Oh no! The batter is calling for time... Looks like he's going and getting himself a new bat. And now there's a beachball on the field. And the ballboys are discussing which one of them is gonna go get it.
+I never realized how boring this game is.
+I think I've lost weight.
+You've never looked better.
+Thank you all for coming. We've got some very interesting developments in the field of Supperware.
+Uh huh. This is the 128 ounce tub. You can fit your whole head in it.
+Don't be scared Jubjub. It's mama.
+I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
+So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
+The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
+I cast thee out!
+Don't think about beer... Don't think about beer... Don't think about beer...
+Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug.
+Nooooo!
+Thirty days!
+I'm proud of you, Homie.
+Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm comin' back loaded.
+You don't have to start drinking right away. I was thinking we could go for a bike ride.
+But Marge, the barflies are expecting me... Moe, and Barney and that guy who calls me Bill...
+But you look better... you don't sweat while you eat anymore... and look.
+You've saved more than a hundred dollars. I found it in your pants.
+Age fourteen.
+Well, well look who it is. Mr. "I don't need alcohol to enjoy life." We hate him, right fellas?
+Moe, gimme a beer.
+Hey everybody! Homer's back!
+C'mon Homer. Do it for your old pal Moesy.
+But Moe. Yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of...
+Pipe down, rub-a-dub.
+Put it in the fridge, Moe. I got a date with my wife.
+You'll be back. And so will you... and you... And you!
+Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close, I'd never leave.
+RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD...
+BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN MY EYES WILL SOON BE TURNING RED...
+LA LA LA LA LA LA... LA...
+My friends. Tonight, we unveil my most diabolical creation.... "Swank." Ten times more addictive than marijuana.
+To human misery.
+McBain!
+Ah, McBain. So glad you could make it. Have a salmon puff.
+That is one evil dude.
+It's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.
+Smithers, where's that union representative? He's twenty minutes late.
+I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union.
+Whoa! What the hell?
+Age seventeen.
+Dental Plan.
+Well let's look at the contract ourselves. Benefits... perks... a green cookie on St. Patrick's Day? Oh, it didn't used to be this way, Smithers. No, it didn't used to be this way at all...
+Come on! Come on! Crack those atoms!
+You... turn out those pockets.
+Atoms... Six of them! Take him away.
+You can't treat the working man this way. One day we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shift-less and the Japanese will eat us alive!
+The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw.
+If only we had listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven. Well, I'm going to avenge my grandfather. We'll take on that greedy union and get back our...
+Dental Plan.
+How often do you brush, Ralph?
+Three times a day, sir.
+Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
+You're right, I don't brush. I don't brush...
+Let's look at a picture book, "The Big Book of British Smiles."
+That's enough. That's enough.
+Doctor Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth so he can sell them.
+To who?
+You know that rattle when you shake up spray paint? That's a kid's tooth.
+Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier?
+Uh... not to my knowledge.
+I'm also afraid Lisa is going to need braces.
+Oh no. I'll be socially unpopular. More so.
+Are you sure, Doctor?
+Well, judge for yourself. Here's Lisa today...
+Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age eleven.
+And finally, age eighteen.
+Cool. She'll be a freak.
+We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South, and charge two bits a gander.
+Now stay tuned for professional wrestling, live from the Springfield Grapplarium! Tonight, a Texas death match... Dr. Hillbilly vs. the Iron Yuppie. One man will actually be unmasked and killed in the ring!
+I hope they kill that Iron Yuppie. Thinks he's so big.
+Homer, Lisa needs Braces.
+Don't worry. We won a dental plan in the strike of eighty-eight. That's where I got this scar.
+What do we want?
+More equitable treatment at the hands of management!
+When do we want it?
+Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito?
+Then I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.
+Welcome brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chucky Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all praying he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
+All right, all right, but seriously, we have to vote on Burns' new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings.
+And in exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.
+So long dental plan!
+Dental Plan.
+Lisa needs braces.
+Dental Plan.
+Lisa needs braces.
+Dental Plan.
+Lisa needs braces.
+Dental Plan.
+Lisa needs braces.
+Lisa needs braces.
+Dental Plan.
+Lisa needs braces.
+Bullseye!
+Thanks a lot Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.
+Dental Plan.
+Lisa needs braces.
+Dental Plan.
+Lisa needs braces.
+If we give up our dental plan, I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces.
+People stop! We can't give up our dental plan! Lenny, without the dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth.
+And Gummy Joe, where would you be without the dental plan?
+I wouldn't have old chomper here, that's for sure.
+You know what I think of this contract?
+Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
+That's Homer Simpson, sir.
+Simpson, eh?... New man?
+Actually sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor... you ran over his son... he saved the plant from meltdown and his wife painted your portrait--
+Doesn't ring a bell.
+Homer! Homer! Homer!
+I move that Homer Simpson be our new union president. All in favor...
+All opposed?
+Congratulations, Homer!
+Hey, what does this job pay?
+Nothin'.
+... Unless you're crooked.
+Woo hoo!
+President of the union! I'm so proud of you, Homie.
+This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man.
+And make life-long connections to the world of Organized Crime. Hmmm... organized crime.
+Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you.
+Mmm. Gratzi.
+Don Homer, my son, he has trouble with the...
+Eh-Eh-Eh.
+Molto bene.
+That's-a-nice-a-donut.
+Do you think you can get the dental plan back?
+Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me.
+Dad, I'll trade you this delicious door stop for your crummy ol' danish.
+Done and done! Heh, heh, heh.
+Lisa and Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's Obsession for teeth.
+Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now. So we'll need something a little more... affordable.
+These pre-date stainless steel so you can't get them wet.
+Hmm, he's a worthy foe. Look at him, Smithers. Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine.
+Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back?
+Okay, but it's the last time.
+We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
+And, if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
+I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
+After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
+Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered... maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.
+Lisa, so you won't be scared, I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using.
+This is the scraper. This is the poker. And this happy little fellow is the gouger.
+Uh huh.
+Now, the first thing I'll be doing is chiseling some teeth out of your jaw- bone. Hold still while I gas you.
+Look fellas! It's Lisa in the sky.
+No diamonds, though.
+Look out for that campy drawing of Queen Victoria!
+For the love of God, help us!
+The mirror. The mirror!
+Honey, you look fine.
+Who is it?
+Hired goons.
+Hired goons?
+Ah, Homer! I hope Crusher and Low Blow didn't hurt you.
+You know, you could have just called me.
+Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.
+Hired goons?
+This is the largest TV in the free world.
+Aiiee! Un gato malodoro!
+This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man.
+Let's see. "It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times?" You stupid monkey!
+Ohh, shut up.
+And this is my basement.
+Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms.
+Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it.
+Now, let's get down to business.
+Now, Homer, I know what you're thinking and I want to take the pressure off.
+It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for number one. Well, listen to me and you'll make a big splash very soon.
+Which way to the bathroom?
+Oh. It's the twenty-third door on the left.
+Nope. Nope. Nope.
+Ah, he wouldn't even hear me out.
+Find the bathroom alright?
+Uh... yeah.
+Well, you've won this round Simpson, but I'll grind you into the earth like a bug!
+Simpson, be a dear and rub my legs till the feeling comes back.
+A bug, I tell you! A bug!
+I'm gonna resign. I don't know why they made me Union President in the first place.
+Because they love you down at the plant.
+Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck... pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh...
+That doesn't sound like they like you at all.
+Ya know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.
+Batten down those cowlicks... straighten that part... uncross those eyes, Mister.
+But I can't.
+Oh, sorry Quigley.
+Come on, honey, smile.
+I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world?
+We can always stick in a "Photo Not Available" card.
+Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr. Burns day and night and I've had enough.
+Strike! Strike! Strike!
+All in favor of a strike...
+All opposed?
+Who keeps saying that?
+It was him.
+Let's get him, fellows.
+COME GATHER 'ROUND CHILDREN / IT'S HIGH-TIME YE LEARNS / 'BOUT A HERO NAMED HOMER / AND A DEVIL NAMED BURNS / WE'LL MARCH TILL WE DROP / THE GIRLS AND THE FELLAS / WILL FIGHT TILL THE DEATH OR ELSE FOLD LIKE UMBRELLAS
+Ahhh. This is the life.
+Smithers, get me some strike breakers like the kind they had in the 30's.
+We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways.
+One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere... Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time... now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Give me five bees for a quarter" you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yes, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war...
+Full power, Smithers.
+SO WE'LL MARCH DAY AND NIGHT / BY THE BIG COOLING TOWER / THEY HAVE THE PLANT / BUT WE HAVE THE POWER.
+Now do "Classical Gas."
+Oooo, look at him strutting around like he's cock of the walk. Well, let me tell you, Homer Simpson is cock of nothing. Why you and I can run this plant ourselves.
+Crush, kill, destroy...
+Tonight on Smartline -- The Power Plant Strike: Argle-bargle or Foofaraw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns; union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.
+I brought my own mike!
+Yes, well, Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur.
+Yes, well, my director is telling me not to talk to you anymore.
+Woo hoo!
+Uh, Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade?
+Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared. No one!
+A chilling vision of things to come. Homer, any thoughts?
+Oh for God's sake.
+Goodbye, Springfield. From hell's heart I stab at thee!
+SO WE'LL MARCH DAY AND NIGHT /
+BY THE BIG COOLING TOWER...
+THEY HAVE THE PLANT / BUT WE HAVE THE POWER...
+Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing. They're not sad at all, they're actually singing! They sing without juicers! They sing without blenders! They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers! Tell Simpson I'm ready to deal
+All right! You can even have the dental plan!... On one condition. You must resign as head of the union.
+Woo hoo!
+Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.
+Woop, woop, woop! Woop, woop, woop!
+We're going back to work!
+Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces.
+And that's the tooth!
+Oops. I left the gas on.
+Oh no, I can't see! I'm blind! Blind!
+Haw haw. April Fool's.
+Haw, haw. April Fool's! I've been keepin' that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks! Sucker!
+You're goin' down, Homer! I'm gonna fool you!
+You talk better than you fool.
+I'll fool you up real nice!
+You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
+Ahhh, what noble visionary thought up April Fool's Day?
+Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fool's Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.
+God bless those pagans.
+April first used to be the Pagan New Year.
+Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal!
+The Christians changed their calendar and ridiculed those who didn't.
+Happy New Year!
+Hi-ho pagans! New Years was three months ago, but here's a present anyhoo!
+It's ram's blood for your Godless ceremony!
+April Fool's!
+Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing?
+And that's the story of April Fool's Day.
+Dad! I was telling the story.
+Oh, right.
+Thar she blows! The catch of the day!
+Arrrr, harrrr, harrrrrr!
+Why, ye mutinous dogs. From this day, I be requirin' hair nets!
+Arrrr... arrrrrr.... arrrrrr....
+I've got to fool him before the day is out -- but how? He must have a weakness.
+Ah, beer. My one weakness. My Achilles heel, if you will.
+Beer! Beer is the cheese. But how to use it...
+Whew! It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April Fool, as it were.
+Hey kid. That's for customers only.
+Uh, did you know there's a guy outside handing out free Stridex pads?
+Wow, I'm in pizza-face paradise.
+Ay, no es bueno.
+So thirsty... Eh. What're you gonna do?
+The following is a public service announcement. Excess of alcohol consumption can cause liver damage, and cancer of the rectum.
+Mmmm... beer.
+April F...
+That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
+Forget it. That's two blocks away.
+It looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
+I'm proceeding on foot. Call in a Code eight.
+We need pretzels! Repeat! Pretzels!
+Mrs. Simpson, I'm afraid your husband is dead.
+April Fool's! He's very much alive... although I'm afraid he may never walk again.
+ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT, GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM...
+Homer has many, many horrible problems. These shadows are brain lesions resulting from numerous blows to the head... And his brain waves are disturbingly erratic.
+...You are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock--
+Arrrgh!
+Just testing.
+Arrrgh!
+Bart, how could you shock your little sister?
+My finger slipped.
+Arrrgh!
+So did mine.
+Bart! Lisa! Stop that.
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+No, no. No! No, wait a minute! Wait! Wait! Folks! Folks, if I could... Not yet! This is not the way to get healthy!
+Mrs. Simpson, can you think of anything to account for all this?
+I have no idea. Unless it was that time he kept falling down the cliff.
+I won't jump anymore, I promise.
+Ohhh, thank God. Thank God. Thank God.
+I love you, Dad.
+I love you too, son. You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right --
+I'm going to make it! I'm going to make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Woo hoo! Woo hoo!! I--
+Hmm. That still wouldn't explain what I'm seeing here.
+You look familiar. Have we met before?
+Clear! Ugh... Clear!
+Doctor... he's gone.
+This is the part of the job I hate.
+You're a veterinarian?
+That's right. And for an extra twenty dollars I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him.
+Here ya go, Doc.
+Shop around. You can't beat that price.
+You guys must have been pretty worried about me.
+Hey, we know you're tough, Dad. Remember that time you got lost in the forest?
+This is a trap. It's going to catch us our dinner. Come on, boy.
+Shhhh! Just watch.
+Oooh, ahh. Ha! Got him!
+Okay, okay. This time I'll just go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise and flush out a rabbit. When he comes out, you step on him.
+Right, Dad.
+Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!
+It's true. You have good coping skills.
+The burgers are getting cold, guys. Holy moly.
+And there's one Itchy and Scratchy cartoon I don't think we'll ever forget.
+Why'd you bring that up?
+It was an amusing episode... of our lives.
+Thanks for coming to visit me, Moe.
+I brought you a little present.
+No! No! Beer bring pain!
+I can't stand to see him like this!
+He really needs a girlfriend.
+Oh, Marge, what if I wind up as some vegetable, watching TV on the couch? My important work will never be completed.
+Society's loss, I suppose. But our marriage has been through hard times and we always pull through.
+What a lovely surprise! You're here to see me, right?
+Of course.
+Hey! Way to go, Homer. Way to go.
+Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
+Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes.
+You can do it, Homer. Stand up.
+I can't.
+He just won't budge. I've tried everything. Nothing can reach him.
+Mmm... chocolate.
+Wow. Chocolate -- half price!
+Mmmm, chocolate.
+Can't breathe... sweet chocolate... cutting off air... ...Mmm, nuts.
+Oh, yeah.
+Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
+Ahhh! Kill it! Kill it!
+Grampa, please. He's in a coma.
+Coma? Why, I go in and out of comas all the... French toast, please.
+Is a coma painful?
+Oh, heck, no! You relive long lost-summers, kiss girls from high school -- it's like one of those TV shows where they show a buncha clips from old episodes.
+Yeah, well, anyway, I wonder what he's thinking now.
+This man is costing my health plan five thousand dollars a day. I demand that he die with dignity.
+Now look, I'm the doctor here!
+Well, I demand a second opinion.
+Hi, everybody!
+Hi, Dr. Nick!
+And sometimes I got into trouble...
+Oh, dear. I see no signs of life. Just to be safe, we better pull the plug.
+Mr. Burns, how can you be so cold- hearted?
+You have no idea, woman, what that man's put me through.
+Uh... Mr. Burns... I need to borrow some money.
+Please, do go on...
+I know you're a good man... and I have a dog that's very sick...
+Oh, please, continue...
+I thought maybe you...
+Oh. Well, thanks for your time.
+I have an unorthodox solution: a "fantastic voyage", if you will. Three scientists... One a beautiful woman... will be shrunk to microscopic size. They will then rendezvous in Mr. Simpson's lower colon --
+Well, we have had a little trouble finding volunteers...
+I wish I'd gotten to know you better, Dad. But there were times when we really connected.
+Hi, Dad. Want me to cut out this infernal racket?
+No. Let me hear you play.
+Does a father have to explain? Let's just share your gift, okay?
+Yeah, that's more like it! "OH, I WANT TO BE IN THAT RUMBA / WHEN THE SAINTS GO OVER THERE.... OVER THERE...
+OVER THERE."
+I wrote this for you, Dad.
+Dad, I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been a perfect kid...
+Why you little...
+What the...
+I know that I got you mad once in a while...
+Bart, you can't go on like this.
+I know.
+...but you always looked out for me.
+Homer, it's really coming down. Could you check on the boys?
+They're fine.
+And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me.
+Now, come on. You're gonna learn how to shave.
+...and, finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares, and stick one there, and there, and any place you're bleeding. There and there. Don't worry, the blood will hold it right on your face. Now, some aftershave.
+Ah! Ooh! Arg! Son of a -- ! Ah! And that's how we shave.
+Dad, it's all my fault! I shook up that can of beer!
+It was just an April Fool's joke.
+Why, you little --
+Homie! You're all right!
+We're a family again!
+This calls for a celebration. We're all going to Hawaii!
+Gotcha! It's April Fool's for two more minutes!
+Dad, it's May 16th.
+You were in that coma for seven weeks.
+Uh-huh.
+You lost five percent of your brain.
+Me lose brain? Uh-oh.
+Why'd I laugh?
+Mmm. Delicious.
+Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday, so I got your mother's recipe for matzoh brei.
+Hey, I don't do the Jewish stuff on the air.
+But Herschel, bubbeleh --
+Ix-nay on the Ew-Jay! Roll the cartoon.
+It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
+Marge, it happened again!
+What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
+Lois Sanborn.
+Steve Bennett.
+He, he, he.
+He, he, he.
+He, he, he.
+This is a rather lifeless outing.
+Don't worry. They're building to something.
+He, he, he.
+Kids, say no to drugs.
+I could pull a better cartoon out of my A... Hey, whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?
+That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late 30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
+Cartoons have writers?
+Yeah, sort of.
+Oh, yeah, well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
+Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
+Probably not.
+Lie in the snow and count to sixty.
+Giddiyup! Merry Christmas, suckers.
+"Third Notice," "Final Notice," "Some Guys are Coming."... Ooh, what's this?
+An invitation to our High School Reunion.
+Gee, that's odd. They didn't send one to you.
+Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
+Oh my God.
+Marge, I never graduated from high school.
+Well that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.
+I never passed remedial science one "A".
+And you're a nuclear technician?
+Marge, ixnay on the uclear-nay ecnitian-tay.
+What did you way?
+I don't know. I flunked Latin, too.
+According to this book, the first thing we need is a setting.
+Okay... setting... setting... setting... setting...
+How about a barber shop?
+Scratchy is getting a haircut. Then Itchy -- the barber -- chops Scratchy's head off with a razor!
+Eh, too predictable. The way I see it, instead of shampoo Itchy covers Scratchy's hair with barbecue sauce... opens a box of flesh-eating ants... and the rest writes itself.
+Eh, this show ain't no good.
+Finished. Now all we have to do is put our names on it.
+Fine. Put my name first.
+No way.
+All right, then to decide it, I propose a race around the world. Meet me at Luster Square at noon tomorrow. The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag.
+Look there's only one reasonable way to settle this: rock, paper, scissors.
+But sir, at Harvard they taught me to...
+Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson sent you a script...
+"Ishy and Wha?" Uh, you must be some kind of crazy person!
+Okely, dokely do!
+Good ol' rock. Nothing beats that.
+Poor predictable Bart. Always takes rock.
+Fair Harvard I
+You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie.
+Bart, they rejected our script.
+I guess we're just not cut out to be writers.
+Maybe he just doesn't take us seriously 'cause we're kids. Let's put a grownup's name on it.
+Well, how about Grampa? He's pretty out of it. He let those guys use his check book for a whole year.
+"... when I read your magazine I don't see one wrinkled face or a single toothless grin. For shame!" To the sickos at "Modern Bride" magazine.
+Hey Grampa, we need to know your first name.
+You're making my tombstone!
+No, we're just curious.
+All right, let's see. First name... first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.
+Call me... Abraham Simpson!
+Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
+I don't know.
+Sir, you locked my office, and I wanted to get my Harvard mug.
+Phone call, Simpson.
+Is this the Abraham Simpson who wrote the "Itchy and Scratchy" episode?
+I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here for a Mr. Abraham Simpson.
+That's right, I did the Iggy.
+Ah, my high school yearbook...
+You handsome devil.
+I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
+"Activities, none. Sports, none. Honors, none." So many memories.
+Time to go to the reunion.
+It'll be great to see the old gang again... Potsy, Ralph Malph, "The Fonz"...
+That was "Happy Days."
+No, they weren't all happy Days. Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle -- or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks, and my Dad, Tom Bosley, had to get it back.
+Hello, Principal Dondelinger.
+Marge Bouvier, it's so good to see you.
+Sorry, sir. We're not letting vagrants sleep in the gym tonight. But we will be putting some scraps by the back door.
+Oh, it's you Simpson.
+Look, there's Bobby Mindich, the class clown.
+I am not a crook.
+Richard Nixon.
+I know.
+Oh my God, it's my old boyfriend, Artie Ziff.
+Hello, Marge. Have you heard? I'm stinking rich.
+Jealous?
+I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife.
+I would.
+Hey, man. It's Dave. Open up man. Dave's not here, man.
+Okay now, let's move on...
+Grampa? Grampa?
+The guy's so high, he doesn't even know that's Dave.
+Homer? Homer?
+Homer's not here, man.
+Okay, very good. Now, let's get on with our rilly big shew...
+Ed Sullivan.
+... First, the award for the alumnus who's gained the most weight...
+Homer Simpson!
+Oh my God!
+How'd you do it, Homer?
+I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
+And now, the award for most improved odor... Homer Simpson!
+And the person who traveled the least distance to be here... well, kiss my grits... Homer Simpson!
+What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut...
+Class of '74, I was just uh leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking. Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1A and thus never graduated from high school.
+I'm sorry, Simpson, but I-I'm gonna have to take back those awards.
+This is Howard Cosmell. Homer Simpson is a boob. What do you think, J.J.? Dynomite!
+Didn't graduate. How low can you get?
+Barney, where's your cummerbund?
+It fell in the toilet.
+Marge, I have my pride. I'm going to go to night school, earn my high school diploma, and get back my most improved odor trophy!
+I want my check!
+I want another one.
+My chest hurts.
+Actually, you know, I wrote my thesis on life experience... and...
+I spent forty years as a night watchman at a cranberry silo.
+So this patch steadily releases nicotine into my body, eliminating my need for a cigarette.
+Roll the cartoon.
+Bart! Our Cartoon's on TV!
+All right! Turn up the volume.
+Erosion is a slow but steady process...
+Eh, this show ain't no good.
+Bart, Lisa I have something to tell you, and I'm not proud of it.
+Dad, whatever you say, you know you will always have my love and respect.
+I never graduated from high school.
+Hello, son! I was on my way home from work and thought I'd drop by.
+Oh, you have a job?
+They pay me eight hundred dollars a week to tell a cat and a mouse what to do.
+Lalalalalalalalalalalala.
+Dad, can we talk to Grampa alone for a minute?
+All right. But if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.
+... then we put your name on the script and sent it in.
+Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
+I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.
+Grampa, we could write the scripts for you and split the money three ways.
+I dunno. I'd better sleep on it.
+Why'd you wake me? I was having the nicest dream. I dreamt I was the Queen of the Old West. I kept a six shooter in my garter, I did...
+Do we have a deal?
+Sure, sure.
+Boys! Stop! You can both marry me.
+Any stairs?
+Nuts to you!
+Wow, it must be expensive to produce all these cartoons.
+Welcome to Remedial Science 1A. My uh wife recently passed away... I thought teaching might ease my loneliness.
+Will this be on the test?
+Hey Mel, bring me another nicotine patch.
+I think there's some space left on my butt. And now, here's another fine Itchy and Scratchy cartoon by Abraham Simpson.
+Now, I'm going to uh burn this donut to show you how many calories it has.
+Nooooooo!
+The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet donut.
+This is not happening. This is not happening.
+Dear Mr. President. There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.
+Who are you?
+In a minute!
+Oh no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud.
+All right, here are your exams. Fifty questions, true or false.
+Homer, I was just describing the test.
+Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
+All right, brain, you don't like me and I don't like you. But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
+Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country, that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.
+Yo, Grampa! Time for the awards.
+Did you call the girl from the escort service?
+They said their insurance won't cover you.
+Ooh, that's an onion in the ointment.
+And now to present the award for outstanding writing in a cartoon series, Krusty the Clown and Brooke Shields.
+Well, here we are, the star of "The Blue Lagoon," and me, "The Blue Haired Goon." What the... that's terrible.
+Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry. Wouldn't you agree, Krusty?
+First of all my hair is green, not blue. I got nothin' to work with here, nothin'.
+Well, at least I can take off this girdle.
+Oh, yeah.
+Uh... The nominees for best writing in a cartoon series are... "Strong-dar, Master of Akom," the "Wedding" episode.
+It's a deal!
+"Action-Figure Man," the "How to Buy Action Figure Man" episode.
+Please, Mommy, I want it.
+"Ren and Stimpy", season premiere.
+And, finally, "Itchy and Scratchy," "The Little Barber Shop of Horrors" episode.
+Cross my fingers for me.
+That's gonna hurt come winter.
+And the winner is... "Itchy and Scratchy," Abraham Simpson writer!
+Ah, Grampa! Woo!
+That was the first time I ever saw "Itchy and Scratchy" and I didn't like it one bit. It was disgusting and violent. I think all you people are despicable. For shame!
+He's right! We've been wasting our lives!
+The hell with cartoons. I'm gonna do what I've always dreamed of. I'm gonna write that sitcom about the sassy robot.
+Here kids, I guess you deserve this. Let's go.
+I guess nobody likes the truth, huh Grampa.
+I'll never watch an awards show again... unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved.
+Marge! I passed!
+That's wonderful, Homie!
+At our next high school reunion I'll have nothing to be ashamed of.
+Hello, Dondelinger.
+Simpson, is that a plunger stuck on your head?
+HENS LOVE ROOSTERS/ GEESE LOVE GANDERS/ EVERYONE ELSE LOVES NED FLANDERS
+Not me!
+EVERYONE WHO COUNTS LOVES NED FLANDERS.
+Knock that off, you two. It's time for church!
+We're not going to church today.
+What?! You give me one good reason.
+It's Saturday!
+HENS LOVE ROOSTERS / GEESE LOVE GANDERS / EVERYONE ELSE LOVES NED FLANDERS.
+Children, we've just been tipped off that Superintendent Chalmers is planning a surprise inspection. So let's clean up this pigsty!
+On another topic, the following students have won mountain bikes: Bart Simpson...
+Jimbo Jones...
+Nelson Muntz...
+I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud 'til I get back.
+Yes, sir.
+You may pick the bikes up in Utility Basement B.
+Fools! Whoops. Still on.
+Hey, what do you think he meant by that fools remark?
+Ah, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike!
+Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?
+Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the Superintendent's visit. Enjoy!
+How are we gonna get outta here?
+And when are we gonna get our mountain bikes?
+Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?
+No. But the PTA would tear ya a new arse.
+Wise council, William. But the potty talk adds nothing.
+Aye, sir. You bath-taking, underpants-wearing, lily-hugger.
+Superintendent Chalmers! Welcome!
+Hello, Seymour.
+So what's the word down at One School Board Plaza?
+We're dropping the geography requirement. The children weren't testing well. It was proving to be an embarrassment.
+Very good. Back to the three R's.
+Two R's come October.
+Hm. What do you think of the banners?
+Nothing but transparent toadying.
+They were the children's idea. I tried to stop them.
+It's always the children's fault, isn't it, Seymour?
+Yes, yes it is, sir.
+Imagine, a school out there with no bullies.
+Science geeks not getting beat up... kids using their lunch money for food...
+I can't take it!
+Hey, I think I can squeeze through that vent.
+All right!
+All right Bart! Do it man.
+Now, remember little dude, you're our only hope.
+Got 'im!
+Way to go, man!
+Haw haw!
+May I interest you in a Jello brick, Sir? There's a grape in the center.
+Well, I'm not made of stone.
+You're not made of stone... a brick and you're... made of stone...
+Ach, my beauty, wait till the Superintendent sees you. Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make ye my wife.
+Now there is a lonely man.
+I'm new in town. Be there a cool loch where a lass could wash her long red hair?
+Nay, but there's a pool at me apartment complex. There was a rat in the deep end -- but we got him!
+Ah! Lead on.
+Forty-eight... forty-nine... fifty. Flag's up to date. Very good, Seymour. Now, are these children as smart as they look?
+Well let's pick one at random. How about that one?
+You mean this boy, here?
+No! No! Lisa Simpson!
+When was the battle of New Orleans?
+January 8, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended.
+First rate.
+What's a battle?
+Let's go.
+Did that boy say what's a battle?
+No he said what's that rattle. It's about the heating duct.
+Hm, it sounded like battle.
+I've had a cold.
+Oh, so you hear "R"s as "B"s?
+I understand.
+Come on Bart. Ride me.
+I better not.
+He's insulting both of us.
+Let's go.
+Excellent. Not a trace of urine.
+Seymour, you run a tight ship.
+Well, you know what they say, sir. "Where there's no smoke, there's no fire."
+What an odd remark.
+Why, that looks like a fifty cent piece. I'll just bend over and get it.
+It seems to be caught between these two flowers.
+NOOOOO!
+Ow, ow, ow. Seymour I was thinking of promoting you to Assistant Superintendent. But, instead, that plum goes to Holloway.
+No. But sir, he's a drunk.
+And a pill popper.
+If I could just...
+Silence! And why is a cafeteria worker posing as a nurse?
+I get two paychecks this way.
+There's no detention this time, Simpson. This is the end. You are expelled from Springfield Elementary!
+Tonight on "Eye on Springfield": The Munchkins from "The Wizard of Oz"... Where are they now?
+And we'll visit a nudist camp... for animals!
+But first, a look at the local holiday that was called "distasteful" and "Puerile" by a panel of hillbillies. Whacking Day!
+Oh no. No!
+In a tradition that dates back to founding father Jebediah Springfield...every May 10th local residents gather to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them to snake heaven.
+After exposing Alger Hiss, honorary Grand Marshall Richard Nixon goes after another deadly hiss.
+Is Whacking Day over?
+Thank you, thanks for coming out.
+It's all so barbaric.
+Hey kids. How was school?
+I learned how many drams in a pennyweight.
+I got expelled.
+That's my boy.
+Mmmm, beer... What?
+Look, Dad. I don't need school. I'll make my way as a bootblack. Shine yer boots Guv'nor?
+No son of mine is gonna be a 19th Century Cockney bootblack. We're gonna find you another school.
+Now remember Bart. This is a religious school. So be very careful about what you say and do here.
+No problemo.
+Now Bart, since you're new here, perhaps you'd favor us with a psalm.
+How about "Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit?"
+Well, beans were a staple of the Israelites... yes, proceed.
+Yoo hoo.
+BEANS, BEANS, THE MUSICAL FRUIT / THE MORE YOU EAT THE MORE YOU TOOT...
+Avert your eyes, children, he may take on other forms!
+I guess that's it. I just can't be educated. I can always get a job testing dangerous food additives.
+We'd like you to try this new diet cola. We call it "Nature's Goodness."
+What's in it?
+Two four des-oxy-propheniramine.
+Pleasing taste. Some monsterism.
+You're going to get an education. I'm going to teach you myself.
+Marge, it's too late. The boy's ten years old! Let's focus our energy on Lisa and the other one.
+What's your problem?
+Whacking Day is coming.
+Woo hoo! The greatest day of the year.
+But killing snakes is evil.
+Maybe so, Lisa, but it's part of our oh-so-human nature. Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved.
+I AM EVIL HO-MER... I AM EVIL HO-MER... I AM EVIL HO-MER... I AM EVIL HO-MER...
+Have a nice day at school, Lis. I'll just try to make the best of a bad situation. Ahhh...
+Bart. Get dressed for school. I expect you to be in your seat when the bell rings.
+I bought a bell.
+I think I'll unplug that.
+I'm your new teacher. My name is Mrs. Simpson.
+I didn't do it.
+Oh, that's right. I invited a guest speaker to talk to the class.
+Hello, children!
+I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into Dusseldorf. So I rode out the war posing as a German cabaret singer.
+Ach du lieber! That is not ein a booby!
+Is that story true, Grampa?
+Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the forties. Oh, they had designers then...
+Look what I got, Marge. A new whacking stick.
+Excuse me.
+Whack! Whack! Whack!
+Oooh! Oooooh! Oooooooh!
+Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of "Johnny Tremain." It's a book I read as a girl.
+A book?
+I think you might like this... It's about a boy who goes to war... his hand is deformed in an accident...
+Deformed? Why didn't you say so? They should call this book "Johnny Deformed!"
+"Hundreds would die, but not the thing they died for: 'A man can stand up...'" Wow.
+Mm-hm, if you'd like to learn more about Colonial times we could take a field trip to Old Springfield Towne.
+Dad, everyone likes Whacking Day, but I hate it. Is there something wrong with me?
+Yes, honey.
+Then, what should I do?
+Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. Remember that?
+Your Daddy hit the referee.
+Any experience?
+Thanks, Seymour.
+Yes I played Panicky Idiot #2 in "The Poseidon Adventure."
+Sorry. We're looking for more of a "Duh, duh" idiot.
+But... Oh, I see.
+Hello, Barney. Are you playing the town drunk?
+Actually, I'm supposed to be the governor.
+The enemy surrounded the fort and said that if the captain was sent out the rest would be spared.
+What did they do?
+They sent him out.
+Was he killed?
+And how! That's why they call it Fort Sensible.
+This is Jebediah Springfield at the Battle of Ticonderoga. Next. And here he is killing a snake on the very first Whacking Day in 1775.
+Hey wait a minute. That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga. How could he be in two places at once?
+Um... Um... Y'see...
+He'll blow the whole deal. Get him outta here.
+If you want to learn more about Whacking Day, there are many fine books in our gift shop.
+Welcome to your official Whacking Day Headquarters. I've hidden a snake somewhere in this store. The first one to whack it gets a free Squishee.
+Hey. Hey. Boy, I should have put more thought into my promotion.
+Aim for the body, men.
+Right chief.
+And the Lord said "Whack ye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies and thy town shall be a beacon unto others." So you see, Lisa, even God himself endorses Whacking Day.
+Let me see that.
+OH WHACKING DAY / OH WHACKING DAY / OUR HALLOWED SNAKE SKULL CRACKING DAY...
+WE'LL BREAK THEIR BACKS / GOUGE OUT THEIR EYES / THEIR EVIL HEARTS WE'LL PULVERIZE...
+OH WHACKING DAY / OH WHACKING DAY / MAY GOD BESTOW HIS GRACE ON THEE.
+Here you go. Official Whacking Day parking. Ten dollars per axle.
+Woo hoo!
+Hooray!
+Take that, snake! And you, too! Snakes, snakes everywhere!
+You getting ready for Whacking Day?
+What's Whacking Day?
+Did you bring the pre-whacked snakes?
+Beautiful.
+Well, Marge,
+should I whack slow or fast?
+Slow... then fast.
+Dad please, for the last time, I beg you, don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.
+Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and air horn?
+And now, to open this year's festivities, here's our Grand Marshall, "The Prophet of Love"... Larry White!
+Barry White.
+No, it says here, Larry White.
+I know my own name.
+Yeah, well, we'll see.
+Ladies and Gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all. It's truly an honor to be here at this... ... hey, what is this all about anyway?
+Oh God no!
+You people make me sick.
+Were they even listening to me?
+I uh, don't think so. And now, let's hear it for our own Miss Springfield!
+Gentlemen, start your whacking.
+Ew. A bug.
+If the snakes were in here we could protect them.
+Well, according to this, snakes "hear" by sensing vibrations in the ground. So, if we put our stereo speakers on the ground and play something with a lot of bass, those snakes'll be in here like Oprah on a baked ham.
+Oh, good idea! Let's see... bass, bass... "Tiny Tim"... "The Chipmunks Greatest Hits"... "A Castrato Christmas"...
+... CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE...
+Mr. White, can we borrow you for a minute?
+Anything for a lady.
+Don't bother the snakes. Leave all the snakes alone. Ah yeah. Oh babe... MY DARLING I... CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE. GIRL I DON'T KNOW... I DON'T KNOW WHY... CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE. / SOME THINGS I CAN'T GET USED TO / NO MATTER HOW I TRY / IT'S LIKE THE MORE YOU GIVE THE MORE I WANT / AND BABY THAT'S NO -- THAT'S NO LIE / TELL ME WHAT CAN I SAY / WHAT AM I GONNA DO? / HOW SHOULD I FEEL WHEN EVERYTHING...
+In here!
+Hey! Where'd all the snakes go?
+People of Springfield! Whacking Day is a sham!
+It was started in 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish.
+'Tis true! I took many a lump, but 'twas all in good fun.
+Now wait a minute. How can you people turn on snakes after all they've done for you?
+I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.
+Mrs. Glick, who killed all those rats in your basement?
+Snake did.
+And you like snakes, don't you Barry White?
+I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.
+Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes!
+Look at this everyone! Twelve dead snakes!
+I'm sick of you people. You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush heads.
+He's right.
+Give us hell, Quimby.
+Bart, I'm very impressed at the independent learning you've displayed here.
+Yes. Anyway, as a reward for your studying, I've decided to welcome you back to our school. You'll be reunited with your chums, Nelson, Jimbo, Dol... Oh dear God!
+I guess I've always used violence as a way of gettin' attention.
+Yes, yes, me too!
+Faster, Willie, faster!
+Now we give them the bikes, no one sues.
+What if they're dead, sir?
+Then we ride these bikes to Mexico -- and freedom, Willie! Freedom!
+Freedom! . I'll turn ya in at the first toll booth.
+Products you could only imagine before... the S.S. Microwave.
+Ah, my crepes are done.
+... the Doggy Door Man...
+Good evening, Rex.
+... the Mobilier the chandelier for your car!
+All on "I Can't Believe They Invented It!"
+Hello everybody. I'm Troy McClure, star of such films as "P is for `Psycho'" and "The President's Neck Is Missing." But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention.
+Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange.
+You mean there's a better way?
+But that's all changed thanks to the "Juice Loosener." Let's meet the inventor, Doctor Nick Riviera.
+Hello, Troy. Hi everybody.
+Hi, Doctor Nick!
+Troy, would you like a glass of orange juice?
+I sure would. But won't we have to pay those outrageous grocery store prices for something the farmer probably spit in?
+Not anymore.
+All, thanks to the new "Juice Loosener."
+Doctor, are you sure it's on? I can't hear a thing.
+It's whisper quiet.
+You got all that from one bag of oranges?
+That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun `n' Run, the Suntan Lotion... that's also a laxative!
+Gotta get a juicer. Gonna drink juice, lose weight. Won't get chest pain from answering the phone anymore.
+Please don't tell the supervisor I have the flu.
+Don't worry. I've been working with a shattered pelvis for three weeks.
+Oh my Juice Loosener's never gonna come.
+Hey, dad. This came for you in the mail.
+Woo-Hoo!
+Mother, get an extra-special hug ready. I've bought you a new juicer!
+Good Lord! Flu germs entering every orifice in my head.
+Happy Birthday.
+Happy Birthday.
+What the?
+The dreaded Osaka flu has hit Springfield, with over 300 cases now reported. Now, over to Arnie Pie with "Arnie in the Sky."
+Route 401 is going around and around, and around and around and around... And look out at the corner of 12th and Main because I'm gonna be sick. Whulp.
+Okay, Mr. Sun, gimme what ya got.
+Ninety-eight point six. You're fine.
+Now, hurry up or you'll miss your bus.
+Maybe you better take that temperature one more time.
+Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win!
+Must be a school day. Lay down your arms.
+All right! Let's make some pus.
+And now, for an emergency announcement from the mayor.
+People of Springfield, because of the epidemic, I have cancelled my vacation to the Bahamas.
+I shall not leave the city...
+Hey, you. Get that steel drum out of the, uh, Mayor's office.
+Sorry, mon.
+Smithers, this plague doesn't scare me. I've constructed a germ-free chamber for myself. Not a single microbe can get in or out.
+Who the devil are you?
+My name is Mr. Burns.
+We need a cure! We need a cure!
+Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo.
+Where do we get these placebos?
+Maybe there's some in this truck!
+I'm cured! I mean ouch!
+Dad! Todd's speaking in tongues!
+I wish he were, Rod, I pray for the day, but I'm afraid he's just delirious from fever.
+Oh, Neddie, why has God forsaken us?
+I can't imagine what we could've done to... Oh... oh no!
+Peg, you gotta take better care of the house. These plants are all lifeless and limp!
+Maybe they'd feel more at home in the bedroom, Al!
+Oh...the network slogan is true. Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity.
+Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
+Can you get me some of those Flintstones' chewable morphine?
+There is no such thing.
+Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time -- come change the channel and pat my head.
+But, I'll miss "Sheriff Lobo."
+And get me a bottle of bourbon!
+Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after three p.m.
+You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme.
+Mom, I need more O.J.
+... Flintstones' chewable morphine.
+I'll miss Sheriff Lobo...
+Mom, I need more O.J.
+... Flintstones' chewable morphine.
+I'll miss Sheriff Lobo...
+Morphine
+Lobooo...
+Morphine
+Lobooo...
+And a bottle of aspirin, please.
+The aspirin is $24.95.
+$24.95!
+I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
+Oh dear, the alarm must be broken. If you could just move a bit to your left...
+Eight foot, six... Oh Sanjay, help Mrs. Simpson with her bag... and-while-you're-at-it... Uske coat ke tharaf dekho.
+Haajee, Ekdam phataaphat.
+Mrs. Simpson! You did not pay for this bottle of Colonel Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Bourbon.
+Uh... no, I-I guess I didn't.
+All right. Come out with your hands up... two cups of coffee... an Auto Freshener that says "Capricorn."... and something with coconut on it...
+Now, Marge, you've come to the right place. By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey!
+Better cut down there, Smokey. Heh, heh.
+Mr. Hutz --
+Look! He's taking another puff!
+Release the dogs.
+Mr. Hutz! This was all a misunderstanding. I didn't mean to take anything.
+Now don't you worry Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
+Is that bad?
+Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
+You did?
+Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."
+Look, Marge, I'll just talk to Apu and I'm sure he'll be reasonable.
+Apu, I'd like you to drop the charges against my wife.
+No offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice.
+Now, come on! I'm your best customer.
+I'm sorry, Mr. Homer, but it is the policy of the Kwik-E-Mart and its parent corporation, NorDyne Defense Dynamics, to prosecute shoplifters to the full extent of the law.
+Don't tell anyone, but Marge Simpson was arrested for shoplifting.
+Let the word go forth from this time and place: Marge Simpson is a shoplifter!
+In other news, the chick in "The Crying Game" is really a man.
+I mean, is that a good movie!
+... And last Christmas, Marge made us gingerbread men, and there was a hair in one!
+Well I'll let you in on a little secret about Marge Simpson... She's got webbed toes.
+Puh-leeze.
+Now, Marge, don't you worry. We've all had our brushes with the law.
+Are you Ed Flanders?
+No, Ned Flanders.
+My mistake.
+I'll never have that problem again.
+Will you excuse me while I go and freshen up?
+I'll follow her.
+Just wash your hands and get out.
+Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, who do you find more attractive: Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson?
+What is the point of all this?
+Your honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt, that I can waste the court's time by rating the Super-Hunks.
+Wow! / She must be guilty. / Very impressive. /
+Ooh, he's gonna win.
+Mr. Hutz!
+Now, Mrs. Lovejoy could you tell us a little about Marge Simpson?
+Well, as the wife of the minister, I'm privy to a lot of sensitive information. And here it is! Marge's husband doesn't earn much and the family's a mess and, quite frankly, I think she...
+Let the record show that the witness made the "drinky-drinky" motion.
+And if we freeze on frame 138 , we distinctly see a puff of blue hair coming from the grassy knoll...
+Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of...
+Delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting... What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial... Excuse me.
+Hello, David? I'm really tempted.
+Just take it one day at a time. And know that I love you.
+I love you too, man.
+So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilan, if that is your real name, have you ever forgotten anything?
+No. In fact I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is one!
+Mmm... pie.
+Well if you never forget anything, tell me this...
+What color tie am I wearing?
+You are wearing a red and white striped club tie, in a half Windsor knot.
+Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well, if that is what you think, I have something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows...
+I'm not wearing a tie at all.
+But, if I am wrong about that, maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson.
+No further questions.
+Kids, I got a crazy feeling your mom's not going to prison.
+You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow.
+Uh, was he the black guy on the Mod Squad?
+Mr. Hutz when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.
+Good for you, son. If there's one thing American needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
+... And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury... I rest my case.
+Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants?
+Your honor, I move for a "bad court thingy."
+You mean a mistrial?
+Yeah. That's why you're the judge and I'm the law talking guy.
+The lawyer.
+The foreman will pass the verdict to the Bailiff.
+This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin!
+... And it still says "guilty!" ... And "guilty" is spelled wrong!
+Will the foreman please read the real verdict?
+We find the defendant, guilty!
+Marge Simpson, I sentence you to thirty days in prison.
+Next case. The National Council of Churches vs. Lionel Hutz.
+Oh right, that thing.
+You're still my hero, Mom.
+Now you kids be good while mother's in prison.
+Don't worry, Mom. I'll bust ya outta there just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar.
+Bartina, until I met you, I was the loneliest warden in the penal system.
+Down I go.
+I'll be fine, dear.
+Marge, I'm gonna miss you so much. And it's not just the sex... it's also the food preparation... your skill with stains of all kinds. But mostly, I'll miss how lucky you make me feel each and every morning.
+I'll miss you too Homie.
+With her behind bars, our store is secure.
+I'm takin' this thing to Mexico.
+Knock, knock.
+I'm Marge Simpson. Your new cellmate.
+I'm Phillips. They call me that 'cause I killed my husband with a Phillips-head screwdriver.
+It's so nice not to have to cook.
+You mean your husband never cooked for you?
+Well... once.
+Homer, I don't think this fish is quite dead yet.
+Marge, please. I'm having enough trouble with the lobsters.
+Oh my goodness.
+That's Tattoo Annie.
+What kind of slime would I marry? I don't understand.
+It's one of those Mad Magazine fold-ins.
+Amazing!
+Now kids, while your mother's gone, I don't wanna have to wash any dishes. So, from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton, and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet.
+Who's gonna change Maggie?
+We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard, and nature will take its course.
+Excuse me, but I think if we all do our fair share, we can keep this house clean.
+Dad! We're running out of clean clothes!
+It seems like I've been wearing the same red dress forever.
+Go up to the attic. There's a whole trunk of clothes up there.
+Alright! Bologna and cheese. What do you got, Bart?
+A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
+Haw, haw! Your mom's a jailbird!
+So's yours.
+Oh, yeah. Let's play.
+Oh Mom, I've missed you so much.
+Oh honey, I've missed you too. Homer, is that an old Halloween costume?
+Uh... no.
+So how are things at home?
+We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.
+I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well, you ain't gonna get it, see! Ha, ha, ha...
+Doggone it.
+Honey, I don't know what you're feelin' right now. So I don't wanna push anything. We can just hold hands... or sit and talk...
+Ooh! Do you have any of those delicious marshmallow squares?
+Sorry, Marge Simpson makes those.
+Oh darn.
+Fifteen dollars short. Exactly what Marge Simpson's marshmallow squares bring in. Can we still afford that statue of Lincoln?
+No, I'm afraid we'll have to go with something cheaper.
+I give you our 39th president, Jimmy Carter.
+Aw, C'mon.
+He's history's greatest monster.
+Gee, they look pretty mad.
+Yeah I've been starving 'em... teasing 'em... singin' off key...
+Me may ma moe... me moo ma may... me...
+This never would have happened if Marge Simpson was here.
+Goodbye, Marge. I'll miss ya.
+I hope you find somebody.
+Men are such slime. But I'm seeing this new guy. I think he's different.
+Yoo hoo!
+He says his name is Homer and he works at the nuclear plant.
+We've gotta clean this up before mom gets back.
+No problemo. We'll just sweep it all under the rug.
+Hey, watch it!
+I didn't expect all this.
+Well, we never should have let you go. From now on I'll use my gossip for good instead of evil.
+Three cheers for Marge Simpson!
+Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!
+Now, Marge, we have a special treat for you.
+Uh, it's beautiful.
+Live, from Springfield Harbor -- where the sewage meets the sand.
+It's the Springfield Squares.
+Now Jacqueline, I believe it's your turn.
+I will take Ranier Wolfcastle to block.
+Ah, Ranier Wolfcastle, star of McBain and the upcoming film, "Help, My Son Is A Nerd!"
+My son returns from a fancy east coast college and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd.
+I'm laughing already.
+It's not a comedy.
+Attention! This is the coast guard. A fifty foot tidal wave is heading this way. All game shows off the beach!
+Everybody up here to my square! It's safe and it's sexy. Oh baby.
+Hurry, Charley. There is not much time.
+I ain't goin' nowhere. I been in this square pert near thirty seasons and I ain't a-leavin' now.
+He's dead now.
+Gabbo! Gabbo! Gabbo!
+Did you see that?
+What's Gabbo?
+I figure it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.
+I don't think they're giving you enough information, Dad.
+I'll figure it out. I'm gonna use all the power of my brain.
+Look Smithers! Garbo is coming!
+Uh... yes sir.
+Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that." But no one is saying "Worship this" and "Jericho that."
+What's this about Gabbo?
+I can't believe it. Our first glimpse of Gabbo!
+He'll tell us what to do.
+Hello. I'm Gabbo.
+And I'm Arthur Crandall.
+That's easy for you to say. You don't have a hand up your tuchus.
+Oh, Gabbo. You'll say anything. And you can watch us every afternoon at four.
+That's the same time as Krusty the Klown!
+Uh-oh. That cute little character could take America by storm. All he needs is a hook.
+I'm a bad widdle boy.
+Ay carumba!
+YOU'RE GONNA LIKE ME / YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME / 'CAUSE I CAN DO MOST ANYTHING...
+... I CAN DO THE "HULLY GULLY"/ I CAN IMITATE VIN SCULLY...
+Let's take time out from this triple play to talk about Farmer Dan's pure pork sausages. Mmmmm!
+... I'LL GIVE OUT SHINY DIMES...
+I'LL TRAVEL BACK IN TIME...
+YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HIM!
+YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM!
+IT'S THE GREATEST SHOW IN TOWNNNNN! Gabbo!
+Eh, that dummy doesn't scare me. I've had plenty of guys come after me and I've buried 'em all. Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop...
+Don't forget the Special Olympics.
+Oh, yeah. I slaughtered the Special Olympics.
+Are those our ratings? Let me see.
+I lost to Channel Ocho? What the Hell is that?
+Dos huevos, por favor.
+Que Lastima.
+I gotta steal that bit.
+This is boring.
+I wonder what would happen if you put your train on there.
+Now, let's throw some crud on it!
+Hey, it's four o'clock.
+So you want ventriloquism, do ya? All right. Watch this. Hello Alphonse, I've got a riddle for you. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
+I don't know. Why is a...
+Hey, the dummy can't hurt you. He's not even alive. He's dead!
+All right, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, I will send you $40.
+Checks will not be honored.
+I admit I have used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemy. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy."
+Well kids, this is where you would watch Itchy and Scratchy, except they're on the Gabbo show now. So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team: Worker and Parasite!
+What the hell was that?
+Whoa! Me rikey velly much. Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I need this bad.
+WITH MY...
+Well, that's it. We've been canceled. I think we can be proud that we never did a bad show... except for that week Ray Jay Johnson was my co-host. "You can call me Ray... and you can call me Jay..." That thing was funny for about three seconds. But the important thing is, we're like a family.
+Krusty, I...
+Shut your hole.
+Krusty, how ya holding up?
+I'm kinda worried about the future. How do you deal with it?
+Well, you've been on TV longer than I have. I'm sure you've saved up quite a nest egg.
+Uh-yeah. Do they still buy human hair down at the wig shop?
+Krusty, you wanna stay for dinner?
+Nah, sorry.
+Ah, that's too bad. Tonight my guests will be Dr. Carl Sagan and from the San Diego Zoo, Joan Embrey.
+Oh Kyle, I just don't think I fit in here at Melrose Place.
+From now on, I'll be doing the thinking for both of us.
+Come on! You stupid horse! I got my last ten bucks on you! No, don't look at me! Run! No! Don't come over here!
+Oh boy.
+And now, it's time for another patented Gabbo Crank Call! Oh I love these.
+I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty!
+Yeah, well Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
+Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.
+It's ringing. Hello. Is this Krusty the Klown?
+Is this the callback for that porno film? Look, I was a little nervous that day. But I'm all man, I can assure you...
+No, I represent a Japanese camera company. We'd like to pay you two million dollars to do a camera commercial.
+Bad enough to hit yourself over the head with the phone?
+Oh, you got it. Ow. Ow. Ew, blood.
+What the? If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.
+Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's.
+Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.
+Yes they do.
+No they don't.
+Yes they do.
+No they don't.
+Yes they do.
+Two wrongs make a right, Lisa. Ah, Rex Morgan M.D., you have the prescription for the daily blues.
+We'll be back after this commercial for Gabbo Airlines.
+That ought to hold the little S.O.B.'s.
+Gabbo, quiet.
+Oh, I wouldn't want to offend the little S.O.B.'s.
+I wish you'd stop saying that.
+Hey, boyo, what's so funny?
+Well, it's... Ah, you wouldn't be interested. It's too low brow.
+No I'm quite low brow.
+Well... somebody just wrote a bawdy limerick on the men's room wall.
+This I gotta see!
+All the kids in Springfield are S.O.B.'s.
+... Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my two cents. Well, that ought to hold those S.O.B.'s.
+What the...?
+Krusty, are you making any money?
+Nah. That guy is giving it away for free.
+THE OLD GREY MARE / SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE / AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE / AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE...
+Desalinization plant?
+Thirty-five years in show business and already no one remembers me. Just like what's his name... and whosis... and you know, that guy, always wore a shirt...
+Ed Sullivan?
+I didn't know you knew Luke Perry!
+Know him? He's my worthless half brother.
+He's a big TV star.
+Yeah, on Fox...
+Elizabeth Taylor... Bette Midler...
+Bette and I owned a race horse together. Krudler.
+Hey Bart, If we get all of these big stars to appear on a special with Krusty, it might get his career going again.
+Here's my address book. Go get those stars!
+It won't be easy, but I'm gonna claw my way back onto TV.
+THE OLD GRAY MARE/ SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE/ AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE/ AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE...
+And now, the crazy old man singers.
+THE OLD GRAY MARE / SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE / AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE...
+Miss Midler, I can't believe you do this all by yourself.
+We're Americans. We deserve clean highways.
+You pigs!
+Oh nooo! Bette Midler.
+Now where were we?
+We were asking you to appear on Krusty's come back special.
+Okay. Tell Krusty he can count me in.
+It's time to take out the trash.
+I'll get you for this, Midler...
+And off to your left is Hugh Hefner's Shelbyville Pad.
+A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room...
+Of course.
+But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere, the alternative energy research center...
+Fascinating.
+Yes. The grotto uses so much water... the bunnies felt we should go this way.
+Smart bunnies, Hef. I can call you Hef, can't I?
+You told our agent this place holds thirty-thousand people.
+It does. We had thirty thousand here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless.
+We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!
+Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Klown Special?
+Sure -- if you get us out of this gig.
+No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there.
+What?... What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon... What... what, is that it?
+Hey, Moe, can I look too?
+Sure, but it'll cost ya.
+My wallet's in the car.
+He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...
+Ms. Taylor, a couple of grade school kids wanted you to be on a Krusty special. I told them to buzz off.
+Krusty! We've got great news!
+Krusty! What have you done to yourself?
+I thought I'd get into shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
+You mean those diet milkshakes?
+Now, you can stay with us until you lose that weight. You can sleep on the sofa, it folds right out.
+Oh, wait. That was the old sofa.
+I'll never get my aim back.
+You've got to keep working on it.
+Ooh, delicious.
+Oh, why am I bothering? It's hopeless.
+Hi kids! It's me, Gabbo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ho!
+Pork prices rose in early trading today.
+But you've gotta come back, Mel! We're a team.
+No, Krusty. You always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer.
+Ah, come on, you wanna waste your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
+Here's your taco, Mister.
+Oops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out.
+Sorry, Krusty. I like it here. Mr. Johannson treats me with dignity.
+Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
+That's all right, Mr. Johannson. I'll handle it.
+Here's your taco, sir.
+I don't want it.
+But this comes out of my salary. If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.
+Ok Krusty, let's rehearse the balloon bit.
+Look, kids. A horsie! And what are you making Sideshow Luke Perry?
+A 19th Century carousel.
+Upstage me, will ya! Get the hell out!
+Look, there must be something I can do on the show. Please. For Mom's sake.
+Well... maybe we can find something.
+I don't like it. He's got Johnny Carson, Bette Midler AND Hugh Hefner. What do we got?
+Ray Jay Johnson.
+Now boys... uh... the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Would you mind changing 'em for the show?
+Forget you, clown.
+Hey, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.
+Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty.
+Well okay. But here where you say "What I got you gotta get and put it in you," how about just "what I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss you"?
+Wow, that's much better.
+Everyone can enjoy that.
+Live from Springfield, the entertainment capital of this state, the Krusty Comeback Special.
+SEND IN THE CLOWNS / THOSE DAFFY, LAFFY CLOWNS / SEND IN THOSE SOULFUL AND DOLEFUL, SHMOTZ-BY-THE BOWLFUL CLOWNS... / SEND IN THE CLOWNS
+THEY'RE ALREADY HERE...
+I love you Krusty.
+Are you comfortable in there, Luke Perry?
+Fire away, Krusty.
+My face! My valuable face!
+Dancing around in their underwear. That is so degrading.
+Thirty seconds till your L'il Stinker sketch.
+Get me a bigger lolly.
+Now, Johnny, whatcha got for us. Jokes -- a little magic?
+Actually I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.
+Hi yo! Johnny, that's amazing!
+Oh yeah? Get a load of this.
+I've got to fire that agent.
+DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU'RE MY HERO?
+YOU'RE EVERYTHING I WOULD LIKE TO BE?
+YOU CAN FLY HIGHER THAN AN EAGLE...
+'CAUSE YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.
+This was a great show, Krusty. You deserve an Emmy for this.
+Forget it. The Academy hates me. I don't know why. Bunch of old, know-nothin' dinosaurs wouldn't know entertainment if it bit 'em in the Hey hey!
+Now, Krusty, I just hope you remembered to save your money this time.
+Hey you can't come in here dressed like that.
+Get with the times, Moe.
+Yeah. I say, if it feels good, do it.
+All right.
+Don't snap my undies.
+I'm a star again. I don't know how to thank you kids.
+That's alright, Krusty.
+We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales.
+What!? That's the sweetest plum. You... little... Ahh. What the Hell. You deserve it. Thanks kids.
+To Krusty. The greatest entertainer in the world. Except maybe that guy.
+Is this the bus to the Civic Center?
+Human roaches. Feeding off each other's garbage. The only thing you can't buy here is dignity. Welcome swappers to the Springfield Swap meet. Ich Bin Eine Springfield Swap Meet Patron!
+I need a drink and a shower.
+Oyster shells, hand painted to resemble Lucille Ball! You'll love Oyster Lucy! Oh Mr. Mooney, I just gotta meet Bob Cummings. Vivvv!!!
+Oh boy! Free trading cards!
+Wow, Joseph of Aramathia! Twenty-six conversions in A.D. 46!
+Whoa, a Methuselah rookie card!
+Well, boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun?
+Religion?
+Learning?
+Let's get outta here!
+Wow an original Malibu Stacey from 1958. Oooh.
+Yeah. They took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out.
+"Prisoner 24601"... Why, I wore this for two years in a Viet Cong internment center. Never thought I'd see the old girl again.
+Still fits.
+Small world.
+It is, it really really is.
+Ooh, five cents each!
+Junk... junk... the airplane's upside down... Strad-i-who-vius?...
+Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really "cool."
+I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.
+What the hell is this?
+Melvin and the Squirrels. Part of the rodent invasion of the early 60s.
+STUCK A FEATHER IN HIS CAP AND CALLED IT...
+RICE-A-RONI!
+Mel-vin!
+Bart, look! It's Dad!
+Dad, when did you record an album?
+I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago.
+Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago.
+No, really, I can't. It's a serious problem.
+What are we all laughing about?
+Who cares? Anyway, it all happened during that magical summer of 1985... A maturing Joe Piscopo left "Saturday Night Live" to conquer Hollywood... People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel...and I was in a barbershop quartet...
+Hello...
+Hello...
+Hello...
+Hello...
+HELLO, MA BABY / HELLO, MA HONEY / HELLO, MA RAGTIME, RAGTIME GAL / SEND ME A KISS BY WIRE... ETC.
+Every afternoon at Moe's, Chief Wiggum, Principal Skinner, Apu and I would get together and sing... and the crowds went wild.
+Yoo hoo!
+Barbershop! That ain't been popular since aught six, dagnabit!
+Bart, what did I tell you?
+No talking like a grizzled 1890's prospector... consarnit!
+BA-BY ON BOARD.
+Rock 'n' roll had become stagnant. "Achy Breaky Heart" was seven years away. Something had to fill the void, and that something was barbershop...
+GOODBYE...
+GOODBYE...
+GOODBYE...
+GOODBYE...
+GOODBYE, MY CONEY ISLAND BABY.
+That's my son up there.
+What, the balding fat-ass?
+No, the Hindu guy.
+NEVER TO SEE YOU ANY...
+NEVER GONNA SEE YOU ANY...
+I'm gonna nail that cop right between the eyes.
+Right after this song is over.
+GOODBYE, MY CONEY ISLAND BABE.
+GOODBYE, MY CONEY ISLAND BABY / FAREWELL, MY OWN TRUE LOVE...
+Ching, ching.
+You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn.
+Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabus.
+Oh my stars!
+SO GOODBYE...
+FAREWELL...
+SHOP KWIK-E-MART AND SAVE...
+GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE / GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE / GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLAND BABE!
+Homer, I'm a theatrical agent, and I want to represent your group.
+Really?
+You've got... it! All except that police officer. Too Village People. You'll have to replace him.
+Just leave it to me.
+Where are we going? Where are we going?
+Run along, boy. You're free now!
+No! Nooo! Nooo!
+Principal Seymour Skinner.
+Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
+Principal Skinner...
+Never fit on a marquee, luv. From now on, your name is Apu Du Beaumarchais.
+It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my God, but okay.
+The next day, we started auditioning for Chief Wiggum's replacement...
+OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM / EE-I-EE-I-O / AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD A CHICK / SWINGINGEST CHICK I KNOW / WITH A WIGGLE WIGGLE HERE AND A WIGGLE WIGGLE THERE...
+Get off the stage!
+I want to, but I can't.
+WHEN YOU'RE ALONE AND LIFE IS GETTING YOU LONELY, YE KIN ALWAYS GO... ACH! DOONTOON!
+THEEEEME... FROM "A SUMMER PLACE"... FROM "A SUMMER PLACE"... THE THEME... FROM "A SUMMER PLACE"... IT'S THE THEME...
+IF I COULD WALK WITH THE ANIMALS / TALK WITH THE ANIMALS / GRUNT AND SQUEAK AND SQUAWK WITH THE ANIMALS...
+Good Lord! Dr. Doolittle is Chief Wiggum!
+This bird's gonna fly!
+It was one lousy applicant after another. And then...
+OVER IN KILLARNEY / SO MANY YEARS AGO...
+Such a voice!
+Who is that?
+ME MITHER SANG THIS SONG TO ME / IN TONES SO SOFT AND ...
+Barney!
+JUST A LITTLE IRISH DITTY...
+Barney, how'd you like to sing for our group?
+Sure, why not? Now where's me toothpick. TURA LURA LURA -- TURA LURA LI --
+WIGGUM FOREVER, BARNEY NEVER! WIGGUM FOREVER, BARNEY NEVER!...
+SWE-EE-EE-EE-EET ADELEINE.
+SWEET ADELEINE.
+MY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y ADELEINE.
+MY ADELEINE....
+Mm hmm?
+BARNEY FOREVER, WIGGUM NEVER! BARNEY FOREVER, WIGGUM NEVER!...
+Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job.
+I didn't pay any girls to scream.
+Hanh?!!!
+Look at this. / We sounded great, huh? / Etc.
+Only one question remains gentlemen. What do we call ourselves?
+How about Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?
+I like it.
+We need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.
+How about The Be Sharps!
+Perfect.
+The Be Sharps.
+The Be Sharps.
+The Be Sharps.
+The Be Sharps.
+well, can't blame a guy for trying. Aw, you're all under arrest.
+What'd you kids get?
+I bought this cool pencil holder.
+Far out, man. I haven't seen a bong in years.
+No one bought a wishbone necklace.
+Well, one of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire.
+It'll be a long time before your Mother gets back with the tire, so why don't I tell you more of the story? Now that we had a name, the Be Sharps needed a hit. Something new, something exciting, something mid-1980's...
+THERE WAS NOTHING IN AL CAPONE'S VAULT / BUT IT WASN'T GERALDO'S FAULT --
+Look what I got. Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car.
+Hmm... baby on board.
+BABY ON BOARD / SOMETHING, SOMETHING BURT WARD... This thing writes itself!
+... I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S MIGHTY NICE / EACH TRIP'S A TRIP TO PARADISE...
+Gentlemen, you've just recorded your first number one.
+Wait'll I tell Marge!
+Oh yes, Bouffant Betty. Well I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. You see, a lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and we want them to think they can.
+Well... if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.
+Come on, honey. It'll only be till we finish our tour of Sweden.
+BABY ON BOARD / HOW I'VE ADORED / THAT SIGN ON MY CAR'S WINDOWPANE...
+That's my boy Homer singing!
+Paul Harvey's on.
+... and that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... Roy Cohn.
+And now you know the rest of the story.
+BOUNCE IN MY STEP... LOADED WITH PEP... 'CAUSE I'M DRIVING THE CARPOOL LANE...
+Ah, squiddy. I got nothing against ya. I just heard there was gold in your belly.
+... WITH MY BA-BY ON BOARD.
+Homer, you're going to be famous!
+Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
+Have you seen Bart?
+I stuck him somewhere.
+Look what I got for you, Dad.
+Oh, Hom... gimme the keys.
+I have a question for Apu du Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian?
+By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
+Barney, how did you join the group?
+They found me on the men's room floor.
+You've been referred to as "The Funny One." Is that reputation justified?
+Yes. Yes it is.
+GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE -- GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE -- GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLAND BABE!
+Damned ceremonies. This is time I could be working, Mommy.
+We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman. She's 100 years old, and she weighs over 200... ... tons.
+This enormous woman will devour us all!
+I meant the statue.
+Okay...Gilligan, the Skipper and Chief Wiggum. Name three castaways.
+Clancy, use the remote.
+Oh yeah.
+Can we talk about Chief Wiggum?
+We had fame and fortune.
+Now all we needed was the approval of record company low-lifes.
+And the Grammy for Outstanding Soul, Spoken word, or Barbershop Album of the Year, goes to...The Be Sharps! Congratulations!
+David Crosby, you're my hero!
+You like my music?
+You're a musician?
+Then came the greatest thrill of my life.
+Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison.
+Oh my God. Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?
+Over there. There's a big pile of 'em.
+Oh man.
+Well, what a nice fellow.
+Lisa, did you see the Grammys?
+You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners!
+Well, you haven't heard the last of them.
+Miss you, Daddy.
+I miss you too, honey.
+Here's the champagne you ordered, Mr. Simpson.
+Oh. Thanks.
+Wow! An award statue! Oh. It's a Grammy.
+Hey! Don't throw your garbage down here.
+Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise! Lunch boxes, coffee mugs, funny foam...
+They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous. But if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. Bart!
+I can't believe you're not still popular.
+What'd you do... screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
+All the time. It was the title of our second album!
+But we were about to learn an iron law of show business: What goes up must come down.
+What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over 50 years.
+So has Sinatra.
+Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of--
+Dean Martin still packs 'em in.
+Ditto Tom Jones.
+Shut up!
+With your father on the road all the time I tried to compensate for his absence...
+Hi, kids... I love
+Meanwhile, the group was having problems of its own...
+FOR ALL THE LATEST MEDICAL POOP / CALL SURGEON GENERAL, C. EVERETT KOOP / KOOP KOOP ADOOP
+This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
+I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And wher's Barney?
+Oh, he's with his new girlfriend. The Japanese conceptual artist.
+Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.
+Number 8.
+Number 8.
+Number 8.
+Number 8.
+Number 8.
+Then came the day we knew we were finished.
+Gentlemen, US Magazine just came out with its "What's Hot and What's Not Issue."
+Are we hot?
+We are not.
+We all went our separate ways.
+Well William, I'm back. So, how did you spend your summer?
+I made millions in software and lost it at the track. Ach!
+It may not be glamorous, but it's good honest work.
+How much is this quart of milk?
+Twelve dollars.
+Hey, Barney, what'll it be?
+I'd like a beer Moe.
+I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.
+Here you go.
+Hey, fellas! I'm back.
+Ah that's great. Your replacement was getting tired.
+Hey, Queenie, you can go now.
+I'll give her a good home.
+And I did.
+I'll never forget my five-and-a-half weeks at the top.
+Man, that's some story.
+But there are still a few things I don't get. Like how come we never heard about this until today?
+Yeah, and what happened to the money you made?
+Why haven't you hung up your gold record?
+Since when could you write a song?
+There are perfectly good answers to those questions, but they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed.
+I can't remember the last time we were all together.
+Last year on that stupid Dame Edna special.
+And a one and a two and a three...
+Ba bum bum bum...
+BABY ON BOARD / HOW I'VE ADORED / THAT SIGN ON MY CAR'S WINDOWPANE...
+Hello... Human Fly here... C'mon. I stayed up all night dying my underwear.
+Extra, extra! Be Sharps sing on rooftop!
+What? Gimme one of those!
+Wait a minute! There's nothing in here about the Be Sharps. Come back here!
+Haw haw!
+It's been done.
+Pretty, eh, Chief?
+It sure is, Lou... It sure is.
+Get the tear gas.
+... IT'S A TRIP TO PARADISE / WITH MY BA-BY... ON BOARD!
+I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition.
+I don't get it.
+Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Up Late with McBain," I'm your announcer, Ubergruppenfuher Wolfcastle.
+And, heeeeere's McBain.
+This is horrible.
+The Fox network has sunk to a new low.
+Lisa, you got a letter.
+It's from my pen pal, Anya!
+Dear Lisa. As I write this I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and...
+... replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime. Sincerely, Little Girl.
+You got a letter too, Bart.
+I'm going to kill you.
+Bart, what's wrong with you?
+Oh my god, someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.
+Hmm. This one's done in different handwriting.
+Oh. I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
+Haw haw!
+But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's "Dennis the Menace."
+It's probably the person you least suspect!
+That's good, Dad.
+I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin McCloud or George "Goober" Lindsey.
+Grampa, Matlock's not real.
+Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eating.
+I checked around. The girls are calling you "fatty fat fat fat", and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but nobody's trying to kill you.
+That's good.
+Fatty fat fat fat! Fatty fatty fat fat!
+All right, this is dedicated to Bart Simpson with the message, "I am coming to kill you, slowly and painfully."
+Bart, I'm going to get you...
+... some ice cream at the store, since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.
+Say your prayers, Simpson...
+... 'cause the schools can't force you like they should.
+Maude, these new finger-razors make hedge trimming as fun as sitting through church.
+You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
+... in our school production of "Lizzie Borden," starring Martin Prince as Lizzie!
+Fourty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!
+I'd like to help you, ma'am, but I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
+I'm pretty sure there is.
+Hrrmph. The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle--
+Hey, she's right, chief.
+Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
+Boys, knock it off.
+Bart, I figured it out. Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
+Linda Lavin?
+No, someone who didn't deserve it.
+Hello Moe?
+We know you're the one behind this. So knock it off or we're going to the cops.
+No no, I'll take care of it.
+Okay it's over! Get 'em out of here!
+All right, andalay! Andalay!
+You're out there somewhere. But where? Where?
+Dear Life in these United States. A funny thing happened to me...
+Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
+Parole granted! Next up for parole, Bob Terwilliger, aka Sideshow Bob.
+Take care, Snake. May the next time we meet be under more felicitous circumstances.
+Take care.
+Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!
+Oh, now I get it.
+Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon!
+Murmur!... Murmur!... Murmur!
+How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?
+Be honest.
+Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
+Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
+Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole?
+Uh... we object to the term, "urine-soaked hell-hole" when you could have said, "peepee-soaked heck-hole."
+Cheerfully withdrawn.
+What about that tattoo on your chest. Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die?"
+No... That's German for "The Bart, The."
+Oh. / How continental. / Etc.
+No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
+Parole granted.
+Wow, the pooblic libary. Let's stay here for a while, Vern.
+That man is so rude.
+If you don't mind, we're trying to watch the mov...
+Hey, Vern, help me get my get head out of this toilet.
+Oh really, now. That's too much.
+Sideshow Bob!
+You wrote me those letters.
+You awful man. Stay away from my son.
+Oh I'll stay away from your son, all right. Stay away, forever.
+Wait a minute. That's no good.
+Wait. I've got a good one now. Marge, say, "Stay away from my son" again.
+And turn! And flex! And shake! And bounce! And turn! And flex! And shake! And bounce!
+Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.
+Is that so? Oh, Flan-ders! Won't you join me in my kitchen?
+It doesn't work if you invite him.
+Hiedilly-hey!
+Go home.
+Toodledy-doo!
+Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive.
+Come on! Leave town!
+I'll be your friend.
+You're mean.
+The following neighborhood residents will not be killed by me. Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders...
+Isn't that nice?
+... Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson. That is all.
+Woo hoo! Did you hear, Bart? Oh.
+Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson, we've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities.
+Ooh! I wanna be John Elway.
+Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown!
+Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl 30: Denver - 7; San Francisco - 56!
+Woo hoo!
+Whup, two against one!
+I don't think this is such a good idea.
+This isn't just because of Sideshow Bob. It's a chance to turn around all our stinking lives.
+I'll be Gus, the lovable chimney sweep. Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, best in all Westminster. Yeah!
+Shut up, boy.
+We have places your family can hide in peace and security: Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville...
+Ooh, Ice Creamville.
+No. Screamville.
+Tell you what sir, from now on you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit. When I say "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
+Hello, Mr. Thompson.
+Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
+I got ya.
+Hello, Mr. Thompson.
+Now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot... you smile and nod.
+No problem.
+Hello, Mr. Thompson.
+I think he's talking to you.
+Here you go.
+Oh, what a cute convertible. You guys at the bureau thought of everything.
+Hey look! "The FBI Light Opera Society Sings the Complete Gilbert and Sullivan."
+THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL ARE WE / PERT AS A SCHOOLGIRL WELL CAN BE / FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH GIRLISH GLEE / THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL...
+EVERYTHING IS A SOURCE OF FUN...
+HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
+Lousy speed bumps.
+Ew. This coffee's too hot.
+Hey, kids! Wanna drive through that cactus patch?
+Ow! / Oh! / Etc.
+The Thompsons!
+Wow, a houseboat! You know, the great thing is if you don't like your neighbors, you can just pull up the anchor and sail someplace else.
+Homer, where's the dog?
+I tied him up, out back.
+We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean break with your life?
+Relax, Marge. I tied up all the loose ends before we left.
+Hello? Hel-lo? You have my pills! Hel-lo? I'm cold and there are wolves after me.
+Hello, Bart.
+Down here, Bart.
+What do you want?
+Surely there's no harm in laying in the middle of a public street.
+Not the elephants!
+Aaah...
+Mom! Dad! I saw Sideshow Bob and he threatened to kill me!
+Bart! Don't interrupt!
+Homer, this is serious.
+Oh it is not.
+Roman numeral three, surprise boy in bed... and a... disembowel him. No, I don't like that "bowel" in there. "Gut him." Ahh... Le mot juste.
+BARTDOYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFORE YOUGOTOBED?!
+C'mon, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
+Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.
+Why? Oh, right. The Sideshow Bob thing. Sorry, boy.
+BARTDOYOUWANNASEEMYNEWCHAINSAWAND HOCKEYMASK?
+Sorry. What am I thinking?
+Hello, Bart.
+Mom! Dad!
+Your family can't help you now.
+Oh, no! Dad's been drugged!
+No, he hasn't.
+Oh, yeah.
+Well, Bart. Any last requests?
+Well, there is one, but...
+No, go on.
+Well, you have such a beautiful voice...
+Guilty as charged.
+Uh-huh. Anyway... I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of "The HMS Pinafore"?
+Very well, Bart. I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell. And a two and a three and...
+WE SAIL THE OCEAN BLUE / AND OUR SAUCY SHIP'S A BEAUTY / WE ARE SOBER MEN AND TRUE / AND ATTENTIVE TO OUR DUTY...
+I'M CALLED LITTLE BUTTERCUP / POOR LITTLE BUTTERCUP / THOUGH I COULD NEVER TELL WHY...
+WHAT NEVER? / NO NEVER / WHAT NEVER?...
+HARDLY EVER! HE'S HARDLY EVER SICK AT SEA!
+FOR HE HIMSELF HAS SAID IT / AND IT'S CLEARLY TO HIS CREDIT / THAT HE IS AN ENGLISHMAN / HE REMAINS AN E-E-E-E-NGLISHMAN!
+And now, the final curtain.
+Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.
+By Lucifer's Beard!
+Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.
+I knew I had to buy some time. So, I asked him to sing the score from "The HMS Pinafore."
+Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies.
+Take him away, boys.
+Aw, no fair.
+Hey, I'm the Chief here. Bake him away, toys.
+What'd you say, Chief?
+Do what the kid says.
+It's so good to be home again.
+Look what happened without my pills.
+Bart, run upstairs and get Grampa's medicine!
+Not so fast. I wanna court this fair young maiden.
+There's something you should know about me.
+I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
+I'm all yours.
+Core meltdown in ten seconds... nine... eight.
+Meltdown averted. Good boy.
+Huh? What? How dare you disturb me during nap time!
+We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.
+There must be some mistake. We, uh, we make cookies here. Mr. Burns' old fashioned, good time, extra chewy...
+Get the axe.
+The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?
+Don't worry, sir. I rounded up our less gifted employees and led them into the basement.
+Duh, Homer, why are we down here?
+Oh, geez, I told you, Bernie. To guard the bee.
+But why?
+You guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me Head Bee Guy.
+Duh, it's gettin' away...
+Oh! We did bad!
+Is there a Homer Simpson present?
+I'm afraid he couldn't bee here.
+Yes, he's in Geneva, chairing a conference on Nuclear Fission. Yes, that should stick.
+The bee bit my bottom. Now my bottom's big! Oh!
+Homer, this is an exact replica of your workstation. Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
+What the hell are you talking about?
+What do I do!? What do I do!? In the name of God you've got to tell me!
+Relax, it's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.
+Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.
+No, this can't be happening!
+For the love of god, sir, there are two seats...
+I like to put my feet up.
+Must destroy mankind! Ohh, lunch time.
+We're still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck.
+Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing...
+Or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
+The box! The box!
+Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.
+Gentlemen, I've decided there will be no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away.
+You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in Nuclear Physics. Now you get your man up to speed or we'll be forced to take legal action.
+Is that so? Well I have the feeling you'll be "dropping" the charges...
+The painters moved your desk, sir.
+Oh, yes.
+Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.
+Uh... excuse me, what are you doing?
+Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
+Yes. He would.
+So you want me to go to college?
+College? Barber or clown?
+Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101.
+Oh, and one more thing. You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
+Actually, sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
+And the road maps and ice scraper?
+They were in there too, sir.
+Excellent. It's all falling into place.
+I think this is a great opportunity. You could learn so much.
+Maybe you're right. I did always want to go to college, but fate stood in the way.
+Homer, sign this application and you're a shoe-in.
+That dog has somebody's ham! This I gotta see!
+C'mon! Gimme the hand, you stupid dog! C'mon! Gimme' that!
+Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see... "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life."
+Is "TV Guide" a book?
+Son of Sniglets??
+Katharine Hepburn's "Me"?
+I suck.
+... it was the most I ever threw-up and it changed my life forever.
+You the man, Homer.
+Thanks boy. Now, for the crowning touch...
+I dunno, Dad. Don't you have a better picture?
+Relax, a photo can't make any difference.
+He looks crazy.
+Agreed. Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.
+Finally, the great taste of Worchestershire sauce... in a soft drink!
+Ah... steakey.
+Sorry, son, but there's a program about campus life that I really should watch.
+We now return to "School of Hard Knockers" starring Corey Masterson.
+Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I am the President of the United States.
+Oh, don't worry, I've expelled those rowdy members of Chug-a-lug House.
+I hate that lousy dean!
+Your bra-bomb better work, Nerdlinger.
+Corey! Don't worry, Mr. President, I... Mr. President!?
+Lighten up, Bitterman. That youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet... Secretary of Partying Down!
+G-rrrrr!
+Yes! Take that, Bitterman!
+Homie, here are the responses from the colleges you applied to.
+Woo hoo! A flyer for a hardware store!
+Well, Pop, what are you gonna do?
+Something I should have done a long time ago...
+You don't know, do you?
+No, ma'am.
+Don't worry, Simpson, it just so happens I have a chair at Springfield University...
+I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This "Simpson" is not qualified.
+I see. Well, you know, fellas, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you?
+Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork. Not some hot dog admissions officer playing by his own rules.
+I'm giving you the beating of your life!
+Look, if - stop that. If you wanted him in that badly, why didn't you just say so?
+Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.
+Woo hoo, I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore.
+I AM SO SMART/ I AM SO SMART/ I AM SO SMART/ I AM SO SMART. S-M-R-T...I MEAN S-M-A-R-T.
+My first day of college. I wish my father was alive to see this.
+How long have you been back there?
+Three days.
+Homer, that isn't very nice.
+Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
+Hey pal, did you get a load of the nerd?
+Pardon me?
+I'll be a campus hero...
+Attention everyone! The punch has been spiked!
+Don't worry, your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly.
+Marge, someone's squeezed all the life out of these kids. And unless movies and TV have lied to me, it's a crusty, bitter, old dean!
+Hi there, hello, I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby. I just want you to know if you ever feel stressed out from studying or whatever, I'm always up for some Hackey Sack. Or hey, if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass player for "The Pretenders."
+Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt.
+Good morning and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying, "Out with the old, in with the nucleus!"
+Hold me.
+Now, we'll begin by - oops...
+You see that, sir. Drops his notes.
+Now, if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a comprehensive review session after every class.
+Do we have to?
+Then kiss my curvy butt goodbye!
+Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase.
+Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus. Besides, it isn't costing us - I swiped the cinderblocks from a construction site.
+Sir, six cinderblocks are missing.
+There'll be no hospital then. I'll tell the children.
+This proton accelerator de-stabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it...
+Uh, excuse me "Professor Brainiac," but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years and uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works.
+Well please, come down and show us.
+All right, I will.
+In there, guys.
+Thanks, Homer.
+Homer, no one blames you for the accident. We simply feel you might benefit with a little outside tutoring. I researched these names myself...
+Yeah, you've won this round, Dean. But the war isn't over.
+Hello, Dean? You're a stupid head.
+Homer, is that you?
+Hiya, gang!
+Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!
+Stop the Humanoid!
+Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor...
+Well, you've come to the right place then. If there's one thing we know, it is science...
+And math...
+Do as I say!
+And the words to every Monty Python routine...
+We are the Knights who say Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
+Heh heh. "Nee."
+We played Dungeons and Dragons for three hours. Then I was slain by an elf.
+Listen to yourself, man. You're hangin' with nerds.
+You take that back...
+Homer, please. These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.
+Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy.
+Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include; popcorn magnate, Orville Redenbacher, rock star, David Byrne and Supreme Court Justice David Souter.
+Oh, not Souter... Oh, no.
+Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table.
+I'll write it on my hand...
+Ho. Including all known Lanthanides and Actinides? Good luck!
+C'mon guys, look at yourselves. All you do is study. I'm gonna show you the true meaning of college!
+We're gonna go out and par-ty!
+Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants.
+Me too.
+Me too.
+Aah, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?
+If you're going for a ride I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa.
+But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no good...
+Mr. Simpson? Gary spilled his ear medicine.
+Oh, those baby ducks were so cute. I can't believe they let us walk right up and feed them.
+I need to go to the bathroom.
+We stopped five minutes ago.
+Yeah, but someone knocked on the door and I couldn't go.
+I'm telling you, a big crazy prank is just what the doctor ordered. The Dean'll go nuts!
+I got it! We wait by his mailbox, and when he comes outside, we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge.
+So it's a prank you're lookin' for, is it? I'll give you your prank...
+The only other college in fifty miles is Springfield A&M, so they're our best target.
+Those bastards...
+Meet Sir Oinks-A-lot, the beloved mascot of Springfield A&M. Here he is presiding over last year's homecoming. Here he is conferring an honorary degree on Richard Nixon. And here he is rolling in his own filth. Gentlemen, I propose we kidnap Sir Oinks-A-lot...
+And then we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge.
+Look! You pull its tail straight and it curls right back up again. Curly, straight, curly, straight, curly, straight, curly, straight...
+Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that.
+Of course he does. He's a cute little piggy. Curly, straight, curly, straight, curly...
+Ow! Why you little...
+Hey, the pig's acting kinda funny.
+He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor.
+Guys, he's really sick.
+Hello, that sounds like a pig fainting.
+I'm sorry, boys, I've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends.
+Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay.
+Guys, believe me, I didn't mean to get you expelled...
+Oh, don't worry Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.
+Uh, wallet inspector.
+Here you go. I believe that's all in order.
+Huh, I can't believe that worked.
+Hey, that's not the wallet inspector.
+Marge, they don't have anywhere to stay, and they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on Earth.
+Mr. Simpson, we all have nose bleeds.
+Wow! They'll never let us show that again. Not in a million years!
+Dad, start diggin' some nerd holes.
+It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher -- Can't we do something?
+Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony. Right, Marge?
+No. I want those geeks out of my house.
+You really think you can get us back into college?
+Absolutely. Now the only antidote to a zany scheme is an even zanier scheme.
+Why does it have to be zany?
+I got it! We're gonna fix it so you guys save the dean's life.
+Perfect.
+Okay. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.
+Should we correct for wind resistance?
+Hmm. Possibly... What do you think?
+Well, dean, I'm really sorry for the running-you-over prank.
+And all those other pranks were my idea too. I'm the one who should be expelled.
+Well, I'm touched by your honesty. And who knows, perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself.
+Yes, you have.
+How's this, I'll re-admit your friends and we'll forget this whole silly incident ever occurred.
+Oh, Dean, this is what your new hip is going to look like.
+You're gonna have to go easy on it.
+Oh, it's good to be back after all these weeks.
+Better check our answering machine, huh?
+Number of messages received zero.
+We really want to thank you, Mr. Simpson.
+No problem, guys. The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends.
+So, in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam.
+Exam?!? Oh, this is just like one of those bad dreams.
+What are you gonna do Mr. Simpson?
+Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything will work out.
+Or, with our help you could cram like you've never crammed before.
+Whatever. Either way is good...
+Aw, man, I can't believe you failed.
+I'm gonna lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified.
+Mr. Simpson, there is a way. We could... well, use a computer to change your grade.
+Computers can do that?
+Oh yes. The only problem is the moral dilemma it raises... which requires...
+Mora wuza?
+An "A plus"! How did you do it?
+Oh, let's just say I had help from a "little magic box..."
+You changed your grade with a computer?
+Way to go, dad!
+Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
+No we didn't.
+Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study and work hard.
+No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.
+Hmmm, true.
+And I learned that in order for you to set a good example for your son, you're gonna take that course over again without cheating.
+Oh, Marge. You're worse than that crusty old dean.
+Well, I guess it's back to college for me. And that means it's time to... What did I teach you guys?
+Par-ty down?
+O-wee-o. We-Oooo. O-wee-o. We-Oooo.
+O-wee-o. We-Oooo. O-wee-o. We-Oooo.
+Tra-la-la-la-la-la! Tra-la-la-la-la. I am the happiest boy there is! Aren't I Bobo?
+Happy! Come here, Happy!
+Yes, Momsie?
+Happy, would you like to continue living with us, your loving natural parents? Or would you rather live with this twisted loveless billionaire?
+Let's roll.
+Wait! You forgot your bear! A symbol of your lost youth and innocence!
+Oh well. At least we still have his little brother George.
+Hm... I wonder what makes it turn?
+Ba-ba-ba-ba. Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home. Ba-ba-ba-ba trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man.
+I want my teddy!
+Bobo! Bo-Bo! Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow.
+Who's Bobo, sir?
+Bobo? I meant Lobo. Sheriff Lobo. They never should have canceled that show.
+I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.
+I won't get what I really want
+No one does.
+Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers.
+Lobo! Lobo! Bring back Sheriff Lobo! Lobo! Lobo!
+What? Homie!
+Oh no! Burns' Birthday!
+What's wrong?
+Every time Mr. Burns has a birthday all his employees have to help out at the party. And I always get some terrible job.
+Where is that dreaded piñata?
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Missed me. Ow!
+Not funny. And the one in my pants really hurt.
+That man who's getting all those laughs, Smithers. Who is he?
+Homer Simpson, sir. One of the carbon blobs from Sector 7G. But I don't think...
+I want this Simpson fellow to perform comedy at my party. I must harness his fractured take on modern life.
+Fine, sir. I'll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esq material.
+Hee hee! I'm so funny! This is gonna be great.
+What are you doin'?
+I'm writing a delicious send up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is poo poo one word or two?
+Who cares?
+I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.
+Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns' foibles if done with the greatest of care could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart.
+Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. I paint a frownie face on my butt and pull down my pants.
+Now I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent...
+Incontinent... Too rich.
+Does either of you know what incontinent means?
+Lisa, don't spoil our fun!
+Come on dear. It's time to go.
+Okay, stupid!
+Homer! You've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your boss.
+Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters. Hey Flanders, you smell like Manure!
+Uh-oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose-news, neighbor.
+Hey, no one-termers.
+You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place.
+Get away from me, loser.
+Ladies and gentlemen: I give you Montgomery Burns: the life.
+Here are several fine young men, who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Ramones.
+Ahh, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
+I'd just like to say this gig sucks.
+Hey, up Yours, Springfield.
+One-two-three-four!
+Go to hell, you old bastard.
+Hey, I think they liked us.
+Have the Rolling Stones killed.
+Sir, those aren't...
+This stinks... piffle... dust buster? Eych.
+Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head slightly.
+Eh, no time. Next!
+I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie was just run over in the parking lot.
+And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
+Are you ready to laugh?
+Oh... That poor dog.
+I said are you ready to laugh?!
+Quiet, you awful man!
+You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap...
+I mean... you know... Mr. Burns... is so... old...
+How dare you!
+Oooh, tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns. Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find... a little cheeky.
+I'm Mr. Burns. Blah, blah, blah. Do this. Do that. Blah, blah, blah.
+I think I'm so big. Blah, blah, blah.
+Destroy him.
+Blah, bla...
+Unghhhh!
+This party is over.
+Oh, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
+I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
+Bart, run down to the store and get a big bag of ice for your father.
+Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please don't deny the world your fat can.
+Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
+I knew it.
+Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he'll pay.
+Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns. King Arthur's Excalibur. The only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it.
+Yes, yes, yes. So what?
+You want your bear, Bobo, don't you?
+Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime! Resistance is futile. Oh God, how I only want my bear. But he's gone. Gone forever. I'd give anything to know what happened to him.
+Put some grease in your garter, Lindy! You're late.
+This is all your fault!
+You've got to start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition.
+If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.
+Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it.
+Oooh! A head bag! Those are chock full of... heady goodness.
+Hey, it's a Teddy bear!
+Ew! Gross! It's probably diseased or something. Here, Maggie.
+Here's something that should cheer you up, sir.
+It's me sir. Bobo. Hug me. Squeeze me. Tug at my fur.
+Enough. Stop this grotesque charade. Now find my Teddy.
+Oh, and uh... leave the costume.
+The Burns Bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house. You could be looking at it right now.
+It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps being held up by a loved one.
+Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down.
+Moldy!?! Old!?!... I'm gonna get something to eat!
+Right. That makes sense.
+No! Lemme go!
+Well, it's not your original bear, of course. But it Is programmed to be just as cuddly. Oh dog gone it...
+It's supposed to be doing a little dance.
+Get this bear off...
+I'm trying to turn it off.
+No, bear want to live.
+How long have we had these fish? Wait! The bear! Burns' bear!
+"Bobo". It's Mr. Burns' bear all right.
+Well, Burns isn't gettin' this back cheap, I'll tell you that. He's going to have to give me... my own recording studio.
+Two all-beef patties, special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun...
+Homer, you're drooling on the mic again.
+I think we should just give him the bear that he cherishes so much.
+Hmm, better sew that eye back on.
+No. Let's send Burns the eye in the mail. He'll pay more money if he thinks the bear is in danger.
+Yes. We'll send the eye.
+I'm sure he'll offer us a fair reward. And then we'll make him double it.
+Well why can't I be greedy once in awhile?
+Bobo! My beautiful Bobo! I promise I'll never leave you behind again.
+Ah, yes. Naturally I can't pay you much of a reward because... I'm strapped for cash.
+As you can see, this old place is falling apart. But I'm sure we can come to an understanding.
+Yes sir. Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer.
+May I offer you a drink?
+Sorry, Burns. No deal.
+Don't worry, Smithers, he's playing hard ball now. But it won't take him long to crack.
+I gotta call Burns! I gotta call Burns. Maybe I can still get that drink!
+I knew you'd come crawling back.
+How much do you want?
+A million dollars and three Hawaiian Islands. Good ones, not the leper ones.
+Done. Now, give me that bear.
+Woo hoo! I'm rich! Rich I tells ya. Here you go.
+It seems to be stuck. Bad baby! Bad Maggie!
+Give me the bear!
+The bear! The bear!
+Here you go, Maggie.
+The deal's off, Mr. Burns. The bear stays here.
+You've made a mistake, Simpson.
+Ah, big deal. Who needs his money? We're gettin' by okay.
+Son! You've gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here, and I don't have any insurance. So, hows 'bout you?
+Excellent shot, Smithers. I'll be squeezing my Bobo in no time.
+Howdy gents. What can I diddily do you for?
+Remember, Smithers. In and out in eighteen seconds.
+More cocoa, Mr. Burns?
+Hmmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese.
+Sixty four... sixty three...
+Have you been up all night eating cheese?
+I think I'm blind.
+Good day to you.
+Excuse me wanted to see the guy who valued the happiness of his children over money.
+Right here.
+Aw, you said his head was the size of a baseball.
+My life can't get any worse.
+Homer Simpson, report for much worse duties.
+After lunch can I whip you?
+Maggie, I know you like the bear... but wouldn't you be just as happy playing with... this box!
+See Maggie? See the fun box! Do do do do doo do...
+Do do do do doo...
+No! My box! My box!
+I think we need a new hairdryer.
+Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr. Burns' money.
+I don't hate you, I'm proud of you. You came through for your daughter when she needed you the most.
+Aw thanks, Marge. But it'll take a lot more than that to comfort this tortured soul.
+Gimme that.
+TWO PLUS TWO IS FOUR / TWO PLUS TWO IS FOUR.... / TWO PLUS TWO IS FOUR....
+I can see why this is so popular.
+Give me my bear, Simpson.
+It's the Soulll Mass Transit System.
+Give it to me.
+Es yo-yo is grande.
+Aye Chihuahua.
+As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all seventy-eight channels. And you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in.
+Whoa, that bites.
+Holy crap.
+What's that you say? You can live without television as long as you have beer?
+That's right.
+Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer swilling tube jockeys out there have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson.
+Homer, give him what he wants.
+Oh, Barney, leave me alone.
+My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man. Let's get him.
+Wait, why are we gettin' him?
+Look, fellas. The first snapdragon of the season.
+Never mind. Let's just get him.
+Smithers, I'm home!
+What, already?
+Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse?
+Eh, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out, Smithers!
+I love this show
+Well well, look whose come to apologize.
+C'mon. Let's go in there and get the bear!
+I got it!
+Aw jeez, will you look at that?
+What have we become?
+We've given the word mob a bad name!
+She's gonna break a lot of hearts, Homer. I love what you've done with the house, Marge, etc...
+What should we do now?
+Hey, everybody. Let's go sing at the hospital! FOR WE'VE GOT...
+HI-GH HOPES / WE'VE GOT HI-GH HOPES.
+Simpson, look what you've reduced me to.
+Please... please.
+But Mr. Burns, it's not my bear. It's Maggie's.
+So, good sand today, hm.
+Well, I don't usually... well, just this once.
+Damn you, paparazzo!
+Well, Maggie, I've given this a lot of thought. I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement.
+Beaten by an infant. What could be more humiliating?
+Well, there were a few left but we chucked them at an old man for kicks.
+Okay, Maggie, you win. But I want you to do something for me. Hang on to that bear. Don't make the same mistake I made.
+For me? Bobo? Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened. I'm actually happy. Take a note. From now on, I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone.
+Sorry, sir, I don't have a pencil.
+Eh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.
+Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
+It's an ending, that's enough.
+There you go.
+Ah, Bobo reunited at last. But I can't help but wonder what the future holds for you. Ah, yes. Wonder...
+Bobo I know I say this every century, but I'll never leave you behind again.
+Wait for me, sir.
+Paintings. Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own.
+They become portals to hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that --
+Bart! You should warn people this episode is very frightening and maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on NPR, Hmmm?
+Yes, mother.
+Good, now you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop.
+The subject of our first painting tonight is the most foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course, I refer to...
+Buh Dmfl! The Devil!
+And next in our fall catalogue: we love this, it is a vision in raspberry cream.
+Oooh, pure genius...
+Oh. Pure genius. And now to make the leap from dreams to reality.
+Sorry Homer. While you were daydreaming, we ate all the donuts.
+Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet.
+All right. Stay calm. Remember your training.
+Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer. Bastard. He's always one step ahead. Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut!
+Well, that can be arranged.
+Flanders! You're the devil?
+It's always the one you least suspect! Now many people offer to sell their souls without reflecting upon the grave ramifica...
+Do you have a donut or not?
+Comin' up, just sign here. Careful, hot pen.
+Hmm... Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
+Uh, the Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.
+Now remember: the instant you finish it, I own your soul for --
+Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
+Technically no, but --
+I'm smarter than the de-vil! I'm smarter than the dev-
+You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in Hell yet, Homer Simpson!
+Not likely. Heh, heh.
+Mmmm... forbidden donut.
+Well, well. Finishing something?
+Homer?! Did you eat that donut?
+Your wide behind won't save you this time.
+Hey, Bart.
+Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?
+Oh you Americans with your due process and fair trials. This is always so much easier in Mexico. All right. Very well. We'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. 'Til then, you're going to spend the day in hell.
+Eh, that wasn't so bad.
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
+So, you like donuts, eh?
+Uh, huh.
+Well! Have all the donuts in the world!!
+More. Mmmm.
+I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.
+Homer! Are you all right?
+Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
+Hear ye, hear ye! The Court of Infernal Affairs is now in session.
+Very well. But first, some ground rules. Number one: We get bathroom breaks every half-hour.
+Agreed. Number two: The jury will be chosen by me.
+Agreed. No, wait...
+Silence! I give you... the jury of the damned.
+Benedict Arnold. Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon...
+But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
+Hey listen, I did a favor for you.
+Yes, Master.
+John Wilkes Booth. Blackbeard the pirate. John Dillinger. And, the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.
+I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard, we're low on chairs and this is the last one.
+Arrr. This chair be high, says I.
+Ahem! I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson, pledging me his soul for a donut. Which I delivered! And it was scrum-diddly-umptious!
+I simply ask for what is mine.
+That was a right pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as an agreement under the law which is unbreakable. Which is unbreakable. Excuse me, I must use the restroom.
+Uh... Mr. Hutz?
+Homer Simpson, I have no choice but to sentence you to an eternity --
+Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see.
+That's a photo of Homer and me at our wedding.
+Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?
+Well... Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.
+Read the back, the back.
+Arrr... 'Tis some kind of treasure map.
+You idiot, you can't read.
+Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.
+Dear Marge, you have given me your hand in marriage. All I can give you in return is my soul, which I pledge to you forever.
+We've heard enough. Your honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property of Marge Simpson and not of the devil.
+Woo hoo! Ow!
+All right Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten donut be forever on your head.
+Homer, stop picking at it.
+But I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work.
+Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you.
+Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.
+The next exhibit in our ghoulish gallery is entitled...The school bus!? Oh oh... They must mean the ghoul bus.
+Nope. It says right there, school bus.
+Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school. Ugh.
+Hey, Bart, look! Krusty Trading Cards! The long awaited Eighth Series!
+Krusty Visits Relatives in Annapolis, Maryland...
+Krusty Poses for Trading Card Photo.
+Hmm. He seems to be running a little low on ideas.
+Well, at least you got the gum.
+Oww! I cut my cheek!
+Ooh, I hope this is sweat.
+Bart, what's wrong?
+I just had a vision of my own horrible, fiery death.
+And...?
+Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey, the scary part's over.
+Marge, look at all this great stuff I found at the marina! It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
+Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
+Excuse me, Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him?
+Hey, where's your diaper, baby?
+Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.
+Milhouse. Milhouse, wake up. Quick, look out the window.
+No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, Wet Willies, or even the dreaded Rear Admiral.
+Otto, you gotta do something! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
+Hey, no problem-o, Bart-dude. I'll get rid of it.
+No. Oh, no. I just made my last payment.
+Eyahh! Everybody! There's a monster on the side of the bus!
+Hey, there's no monster!
+You're deceptive.
+I don't see anything.
+Hey, who's driving the bus?
+Oh, uno momento, por favor.
+Foolish Earthlings!
+Frightened of a creature that does not exist.
+Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination, and I've come to put a stop to it.
+No! No, it's true! There's a monster on the bus.
+The only monster on this bus is a lack of proper respect for the rules.
+Ach! My mule wouldn't walk in the mud! So I had to put 17 bullets in him.
+You believe me, don't you? You're my friend who believes me! Sweet, trustworthy Milhouse.
+Actually, Bart, you're kinda creepin' me out. Uh, I think I'm gonna go sit, uh... with that foreign exchange student.
+Oh Guten tag! Vould you care for a bite of my VenglerStrasse bar? I also have a bag of marzipan Joy-Joys!
+The gremlin's taking off the wheel! Stop the bus or we're all gonna die!
+Take me bridle and lash 'is hands to the seat!
+Would you like another lick of my Flavor-Wax?
+Uh, sure. Well, now that we're friends, Uter, how 'bout loosening these straps, huh?
+Ja. Das ist gut.
+Hey boy!
+Pull, Willie! Pull!
+I'm doin' all the pullin' you blouse wearing poodle walker.
+Oh, dear Lord!
+It's some sort of hideous monster.
+Aww, isn't that cute? He's trying to claw my eyes out.
+Gad Zooks!
+Look at the bus! I was right, I tell ya! I was right!
+Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse will teach you some manners.
+Haw haw!
+At least now I can get some rest.
+Hidilly ho, Bart!
+We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad.
+They're dogs! And they're playing poker!
+We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense. So we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy!
+Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood, with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene: police are baffled.
+We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield Museum destroyed.
+That's nice work, Ed.
+No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead. Nosferatu! Das Wampyre!
+A vampire!
+Heh-heh-HEH. Lisa, vampires are make-believe. Just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
+In a completely unrelated story, Montgomery Burns has just closed a deal to buy the Springfield Blood Bank.
+Oh, I'm very excited about this deal... Oh...
+Precious blood.
+Hmmm... business deal.
+It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us for a midnight dinner at his country house in... Pennsylvania.
+Ah, there's something fishy about this whole setup.
+Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?
+Sure did.
+Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead.
+Sir, you have to let go of the button.
+Oh, son of a bi...
+Well if it isn't my good friends, the uh...
+Simpson family, master.
+Simpson, eh? Excellent!
+Dad, do you notice anything strange?
+Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
+I heard that!
+It was the boy!
+Huh, ooooh, punch!
+Eww, Dad, this is blood.
+Correction. Free blood.
+Whoops. Bart and I have to go wash up.
+But, you didn't get any on m...
+Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire. And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place.
+You're probably right. Let's just go back...
+Satisfied?
+Big deal. It's no different from the basement in Grampa's rest home.
+Oh my God!
+Be be be be be.
+Please, Bart, I've seen your stupid Shemp.
+Nyung, nyung, nyung nyung.
+Yeah, I've seen your Curly too.
+I know I really shouldn't, but when am I going to be here again?
+Well, if it isn't little... boy.
+Mom, Dad! Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
+Why Bart is right here.
+Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
+Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingee... where our beds and TV... is.
+Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool! You get to stay up all night drinking blood!
+And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.
+No! No!
+Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here.
+Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist... Wait a minute! You are a vampire.
+Quick! We have to kill the boy!
+How'd you know he's a vampire?
+He's a vampire?!
+Homer, we gotta do something! Today he's drinking people's blood, tomorrow he could be smoking!
+The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns.
+Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?
+This is dangerous. I wish we could have found a sitter for Maggie.
+Super Fun Happy Slide!
+No, Dad.
+I guess killing will be fun enough.
+You must drive this stake right through his heart.
+Take that, vile fiend!
+Uh, Dad, that's his crotch.
+Oh, sorry.
+You're fired!
+It's so nice having everything back to normal.
+I'm a vampire and I've come to suck your blood. Blah.
+This cape is giving me a rash.
+Grampa's a vampire?!
+We're all vampires.
+But, no, we killed Mr. Burns.
+You have to kill the head vampire.
+You're the head vampire?
+No, I'm the head vampire!
+Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.
+Happy Halloween, everybody!
+LU, LU, LU / LU LU LU LU LU / LU LU LU LU LU LU LU
+Well sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls, where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.
+What the hell's so funny?
+At the Apple Biscuit Cafe, where the smiles are free, don't ya know, Sven Ingqvist studied the menu. And finally, he ordered the same thing he has every day.
+Maybe it's the TV.
+Stupid TV. Be more funny.
+Well sir, I think it's time to turn this pledge drive over to Troy McClure. I can't keep up this pace forever.
+Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as: "Out With Gout '88!" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House!" Folks, do you realize without your support, public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as "Edward the Penitent?"
+I'm really, really, really sorry.
+I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this Pope.
+Gllllll.
+What the hell...? Oooh, we got a call.
+Heh, heh, some idiot actually called in!
+Hello! What's your name?
+Marge Simpson.
+I'd like to pledge thirty dollars. Oh, thank you!
+Marge, it's public TV! They never have anything good. Where are the Geraldos? Where are the Eubankses-es?
+They need our support. Besides, they gave me two tickets to the ballet.
+The ballet? Woo hoo!
+You like ballet?
+Marjorie, please. I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew. Ahhh, ballet.
+Hello, Ruth?
+Hi, Marge. I was wondering if you had a power sander I could borrow?
+That's one right there.
+All right, but remember it's mine.
+That's what ballet is?
+You promised. You can't back out like when you volunteered for that Army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'.
+Mr. Simpson, you do realize this may result in hair loss, giddiness, and the loss of equilibrium?
+Yeah, yeah, yeah just give me the serum.
+Heh, heh, heh. It was worth it.
+Hey, Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home?
+I can't. I gotta take my wife to the ballet.
+Gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh?
+Mmmm... invisible cola.
+Heh, heh. Time to stick it to the man.
+Hey careful there, Homer. I heard somebody lost an arm in there once.
+Phht, that's just an old wives tale.
+Errrrghh... just...a little more. Got it!
+I'm stuck! Help me!
+He's done for!
+Let's get outta here!
+Must... get to ballet...
+promised Marge...
+Hello? Can I get some help? Snack related mishap!
+Mmmmm, candy.
+Marge, this may be hard to believe, but I'm trapped inside two vending machines.
+Sure, Homer. Trapped in vending machines. Okay.
+Would you two like to go to the ballet?
+That's girl stuff.
+Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools, along with the car... my youth... my faith in mankind... Well, see ya.
+Hey wait!
+Vyachepov's loins oughtta be outlawed.
+Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing.
+And a little mincing would be nice.
+Well, thank you for a lovely time.
+You're not going home already, are you?
+It's almost nine-thirty!
+Yeah right, we'd better turn in. Oh, you were serious.
+I'm going to have these things on my arms forever!
+Candy and sodas for all!
+Mmmm... convenient.
+Homer, this is never easy to say. I'm gonna have to saw your arms off.
+They'll grow back, right?
+Oh, yeah.
+Homer, are you just holding onto the can?
+Your point being?
+I envy you and Homer.
+Thank you. Why?
+If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.
+Your point being?
+And to top it off, he's been stiffing me on child support for the last four months.
+Well, you were unlucky, but there are a lot of good men out there.
+Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy somethin'.
+Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines. That's why I had the fireman write me a note.
+Hey, baby, feel like getting lucky?
+"Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a lumberyard burned down."
+Lumber has a million uses.
+I'm disappointed in you, but it turns out I had a wonderful time with Ruth Powers. In fact, we're going out again tomorrow night.
+Marge, that's twice. I think you're spending entirely too much time with this woman.
+Homer, please. You know it's hard for me to make friends.
+Heh, heh. Oh Marge, we should do this every Thursday.
+Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk! Oh look, it's doing it again!
+Marge, you can't go out on Saturday. That's our special night.
+What's so special about it?
+What the... Oh, I don't know... a little show called "Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman"?!
+Where you going?
+I don't know.
+When will you be home?
+I'm not sure.
+Where you going?
+You already asked me that.
+Will you bring me back something?
+Don't wait up.
+How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children?
+Have a blast, Mom!
+Rock the Casbah!
+Man's best friend, indeed.
+You look... nice.
+Tonight has nothin' to do with nice. Tonight's all about...
+Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...
+Oh, sorry, Marge, wrong tape.
+I can't believe your mother went out to have fun without me.
+Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers and give you a makeover, Homina...
+I am lucky. I have a husband and three wonderful children, thank you very much.
+Oh, that would be delightf... Quiet, boy! There's nothing to feel ashamed of here. Women have a right to a night out. Right, Lisa?
+Sure Dad.
+That's it! I'm calling my buddies. Marge is not the only one who can have a girls' night out.
+Oh no can do Homer, I'm watchin' the game.
+Shave up, not down, you idiot.
+Ooh sounds delish. Let me just toss some jeans on and... Wait a minute! Who is this?!
+Well howdilly dodilly-do!
+Hello? Hello? Hellodilly-odilly?
+Fine! I can have a great time all by myself!
+Hey, Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a baby-sitter.
+Oh Lisa, haven't you seen "Home Alone?" If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.
+You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a baby-sitter.
+Wait a second...
+You kids do need a baby-sitter.
+Blast that infernal card! Don't give that card to me.
+Here you g... Nnnnnno.
+Mr. Simpson. I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a baby-sitter. Of course being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is one hundred and seventy-five dollars an hour.
+We pay eight dollars for the night and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer.
+Okay, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
+Still got it.
+Oh... I've heard a lot about Shot Kickers.
+Ach. How come no one else's chair is doing this?
+Listen, baby, I always get what I want.
+I said, no.
+Oh, did you? Oh I completely misunderstood. Please accept our apologies.
+Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows your name.
+Hi guys!
+Moe, get the darts. I want to play.
+No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're havin' fun.
+Oh sure! Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Ha! Look at him! He's wearing a belt! That's Hollywood for you.
+Ooh, I've never been to an underground club.
+Don't you think your hair is a bit much?
+Hey, Mrs. Simpson! You could try one of these smart drinks.
+Oh, wow... I've wasted my life.
+Would you, ahh, care to dance?
+Mayor Quimby! What are you doing here?
+I'm here with my nephews.
+Oh, that's nice.
+Ooooh, "Jet!"
+Woo hoo! It's Garret Morris' birthday.
+This is not a library!
+This is not a Kwik-E-Mart!
+What was it you wanted to show me?
+You're not going to hunt me for sport, are you?
+Oh relax, Marge. I'd never turn a gun on a human being. My husband, on the other hand...
+Come on, you try it.
+No. I couldn't.
+Yeah, just breathe slowly and squeeze the --
+I hit it! I hit it!
+My cans! My precious antique cans! Aw, look what ya done to 'em!
+Oh, it's getting late. Maybe we should call it a night.
+Phht, it's only midnight. Come on, I know a place.
+Beautiful, huh? Homer and I used to come up here on dates.
+Homer, stop that! It's just a weather station.
+Come on Marge. It's fun to smash things. I smashed it good!
+You got real purdy hair.
+You know Marge, of all the places we've been tonight, I think I like this one the best.
+Me too.
+Look, you can see our houses.
+There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.
+Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
+As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez.
+Maybe we should call it a night.
+Okay. I should get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on.
+Ah, young love.
+The old make-out place. Hey! A new weather station. I'll bash it good!
+It's just no fun without Marge.
+Ahhh. There's nothing like moonshine from your own still.
+Oh, Simpson!
+What are you doing here?
+My wife's having a girls' night out.
+Eh, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman... 'Cause one time I... Eh come on, I'll uh... I'll give you a ride home.
+I miss you, Marge.
+There are ghost cars all over these highways ya know.
+Huh, their left taillight's a little smaller than their right one. I better pull 'em over.
+I think they want us to stop.
+Fat chance.
+This car is stolen.
+Stolen?!
+Looks like we got ourselves an old fashioned car chase.
+SUNSHINE, LOLLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS AND EVERYTHING / THAT'S WONDERFUL IS WHAT I FEEL WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER / BRIGHTER THAN A LUCKY PENNY WHEN YOU'RE NEAR THE RAIN CLOUDS DISAPPEAR AND...
+Ruth, is there something you want to tell me?
+Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child support?
+Mmm hmm.
+Yeah, well to even things up, I kind of stole his car.
+Didn't you realize all you had to do was report him to the police?
+Marge, you're the level-headed friend I never had.
+We're in pursuit of two female suspects. One is wearing a green dress, pearls and has a lot of blue hair.
+"A lot of blue hair?" Heh-heh. What a freak.
+It's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal, just because I didn't take her to the ballet.
+That's exactly how Dillinger got started.
+Really?
+I don't want to be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give yourself up.
+Marge, it's a matter of principle. I just can't let that deadbeat win again. You're with me, aren't ya?
+Look, Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this. Once we lose the cops, I'll let ya out.
+Oh, I don't think they're gonna be that easy to lose. I mean these are professional lawmen and...
+Oh my God, it just disappeared! It's a ghost car!
+Only if you hold me.
+You can call a cab in there.
+Well, bye.
+Sorry about all this. But you gotta admit we did have some fun.
+Yeah. Everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely.
+Hey, you're a good friend, Marge.
+This cross country flight from the law would be hell if we didn't stick together.
+Hey, friends stick together.
+It's amazing how through all this adversity we managed to stick together.
+If there's one thing decent folk do, it's stick together.
+I hate it when the waffles stick together.
+Sticking together is what good waffles do.
+Thanks, kid.
+Marge, what are you doing?
+Ruth, I've done a lot of thinking, and I really consider you a friend. And an important part of friendship is...
+You stupid kid! You know that drives away all my business!
+See you tomorrow, loser.
+Mmmm, engine block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sittin' pretty.
+That's them!
+Quiet. I can't hear the eggs.
+Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.
+Don't worry, Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us.
+Hey, don't touch my stuff! Hey, this isn't the YMCA.
+Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum back in pursuit of the rebelling women.
+All right. Your current location?
+Oh, uhhh... I'm on a road... looks to be asphalt. Aw geez, trees, shrubs, I'm directly under the Earth's sun... now.
+We now interrupt this program for a special bulletin.
+We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield.
+I always knew some day Mom would violently rise up, and cast off the shackles of our male oppressors.
+Eh, shut your yap.
+At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women, leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. It's in Revelations, people!
+Look! We're only two miles from the state line. We're gonna make it, we're gonna be okay.
+My God! That must be every policeman in Springfield!
+That's it, I give up. A single mother can't win in a man's world.
+Ruth, that's a lot of hooey. It's not over until it's over.
+I'm sorry, I should have asked first.
+No Marge, you did it! We really are gonna make it now.
+Oh no, they're headed right for the Grand Chasm.
+Oh my God. They're gonna drive right into it just to teach us men a lesson. And it's all my fault!
+Marge! Marge!
+Homer?!
+Look, Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car... And I'm sorry... Oh well let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.
+You're right. I am lucky to have him.
+But please Marge, don't drive into that chasm!
+Chasm?!
+Ha! And to think those idiot environmentalists were protesting this landfill.
+Solid waste, I could kiss you.
+Mmmmm... Ewwww.... Mmmmm...Ohhh... Mmmmm... Ahhhh. Ooh, I think this was pizza.
+Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield superior court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz.
+Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sanchez, AKA Doctor Nguyen Van Thoc, was paid eight dollars for his thirty-two hours of baby-sitting. He was glad to get it.
+Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code Section 618A, wanton destruction of precious antique cans. She was ordered to pay fifty cents to replace the cans, and $2,000 in punitive damages and mental anguish.
+Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Army neuro-chemical research center at Fort Meade Maryland for extensive testing.
+Woo hoo!
+Quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it. Quit it. Mom, Bart's making faces.
+Stop that, Bart. Homer, speak to him.
+Heh. Heh. Stupid animals.
+Ahh, the daily newspaper.
+Oooh! The Springfield Men's Shelter is giving away sixty soiled mattresses!
+Why do you read that "Free" column, Homer? They never have anything good.
+OH MY GOD!
+What is it?
+Tram...Ample...Een! Tram...Baple...Een!
+He said what now?
+Please don't bring home anymore old crutches!
+Oh no, you don't! That trampoline is MINE.
+Hey! That seltzer ain't free.
+Krusty!
+That's me. You here for the trampoline?
+Yeah. What's the deal?
+Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. There once was a man named Enos --
+And I can just haul it away? Free?
+Yup. It's all yours.
+You're a good dog, arencha, boy? Arencha?
+Hi, son. Hi, son. Hi, son.
+WOWWW!!
+I can't believe it!
+Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering.
+Look at me! /
+I will never get tired of this.
+I'm going to have my wedding here.
+I don't know if this is a good idea.
+Marge, it's the perfect exercise. It'll double the value of our house. And it was free. FREEEE!!
+Are you sure it's safe?
+Absolutely! And this is just the beginning! I've got some big plans.
+It smells funny in there.
+No it doesn't!
+Otto! You okay?
+Yeah, just pop my shoulder back in.
+Thanks, buddy... Hey, I lost my turn!
+Ohh... My arm!
+Wee! Ow, I bit my tongue!
+Each leap brings us closer to God!
+Catch me, Lord! Catch me!
+What have we done to make God angry?
+You did it!
+Stop jumping on me! I'm hurt!
+Kids, kids, once you get hurt, move aside and let other people jump.
+Homer, this is terrible!
+Okay, okay. I'll take care of it.
+I told you this was a bad idea!
+All right, all right! I'll get rid of the trampoline!
+Hey, Krusty! I'm bringing back the...
+You just keep right on drivin'.
+There we go.
+That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline.
+Yep, it's finally gone.
+If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now.
+I'm thirsty.
+Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline.
+All right, all right, you win for now, but some day you'll rust.
+Rust I tell ya.
+Dad. Dad! You really want to get rid of this trampoline?
+Uh-huh.
+Observe - a bike lock.
+Now just turn around and count to three.
+One, two, three.
+Uh, better make it five.
+All right, I got me a bed.
+Shh! Quiet! You'll wake up Ol' Man Simpson.
+Hey, no more trampoline.
+Let's jump on the car instead.
+Okay, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you, all we'd ever do is work and go to church!
+That's not true.
+Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.
+I can name ten things! I... I made sloppy Joes...
+That's not fun!
+Kids. Tell me the truth. Am I no fun? Do I just nag all the time?
+Um... Uh, well... Uh...
+See, Marge?
+I didn't realize people saw me that way.
+Are you mad?
+No. I'm fine. I'm going to my sisters' now.
+Ooh, careful there, Marge! Almost nicked me!
+Your blood pressure is off the chart.
+And I don't like this urine sample one bit.
+You're headed for a nervous breakdown. You need Brad Goodman.
+His infomercial plays round-the-clock on channel 77.
+Thank you, Martha Quinn. There you have it - unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities. She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in. You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder in the "Feel Bad" rainbow.
+Let's look at the rainbow. What's in there? Depression, insomnia, motor-mouth, darting eyes, indecisiveness, decisiveness, bossiness, uncontrollable falling down, Geriatric Profanity Disorder or GPD, and chronic nagging. Nagging, nagging, nagging...
+Sorry, it does that sometimes.
+What up, Marge?
+I'm watching a videotape that could change our lives.
+Marge, can I go outside and play?
+Thank you so much, Troy. And by the way, I'm not happy you're still drinking. But at least you're down to one from more than fifty. Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not have a lot of "credentials" or "training." But I'll tell you one thing -- I'm a Ph.D. in Pain. Now let me show you how you can change your life.
+Troy, this circle is you.
+That video really opened my eyes. I can see that I'm just a passive-aggressive co-culprit. By nagging you when you do foolish things, I just enable your life-script.
+And that sends me into a shame spiral.
+Exactly! So from now on, I'm going to quit nagging and have more fun.
+Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies?
+Uh-oh. You're in for it now, Dad.
+Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
+I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.
+And I feel that you hear my shame.
+I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.
+I feel validated by that.
+Good. I'm glad we had this talk.
+Me too.
+Wow! For free, "SURPLUS DRUMS OF MAYONNAISE FROM OPERATION DESERT STORM."
+Brad Goodman is coming to town!
+Oh Marge, you and I are fine now. Who needs Brad Goodman?
+Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.
+We know, Dad.
+I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend his self-help seminar.
+What an odd thing to say.
+Thank you. Okay folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy. Yell it out! Everybody, go!
+I uh, can't commit to a relationship!
+I'm too nice!
+I have problems with...
+I'm always interrupting people!
+Okay. Okay. Right now I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no trick to it; it's just a simple trick. Now Close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner voice inside, your Inner Child. Listen, what's he saying?
+Stay the course, Big Ned. You're doin' super!
+Food goes in here.
+It sure does!
+Hey, Moe. What's a matta? You no talka with your accent no more.
+Mamma mia!
+Principal Skinner, Let's try some rage work. I want you to pretend this dummy right here is your mother.
+Okay... I'll try.
+Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel, right now.
+I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed... Angry! I'm a grown man now! And I can run MY OWN LIFE!!
+Shh. Shh. Calm down. Calm down. Aw, moving. You can sit down now...
+We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, mother?
+You see, folks? We're all trying to please someone else. And as soon as you're not a human BE-ING, you're a human DO-ING! Then what comes next?
+A human GOING!
+Bart! Be quiet!
+Son, that's wonderful. Come here. Come up here.
+What made you yell out that remark?
+I 'unno.
+You just wanted to express yourself. Yes?
+I do what I feel like.
+That's marvelous! I-I couldn't have put it better myself. "I do what I feel like." People, this young man here IS the inner child I've been talking about.
+Son, you've never read any of my books, have you?
+Earth to boring guy.
+That means no, eh? I'm not so old-fashioned. Your parents have done a fantastic job. Mama, Papa -- could you come up here?
+Thank you. Very, very much.
+This is really remarkable. Here we have a man with an obvious eating disorder, and a woman with a bizarre hairstyle I'm sure worn only for shock value...
+... and yet they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son. That's fantastic.
+Oh, thank you.
+We can all learn a lot from this young man, here, this... this...
+Rudiger.
+Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger...
+His name is Bart.
+His name isn't important. What's important here is that this lad has fully developed ego integrity, with well-defined boundaries.
+Ha ha. People, I am excited. I can sense a change in the air tonight. You are all gonna start living. Really living!
+YAAAYYY! LI-VING! LI-VING!
+Be like the boy!
+BE-LIKE-BOY! BE-LIKE-BOY!
+Just the ladies!
+BE-LIKE-BOY! BE-LIKE-BOY!
+Now the seniors in the back!
+WE-LIKE-ROY! WE-LIKE-ROY!
+This is madness. He's just peddling a bunch of easy answers.
+And how!
+A new mood is in the air in Springfield, as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating, with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about fucking time. Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp who taught us that if it feels good, do it.
+Lis, today I am a god.
+Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?
+Ewww... uhh.
+Now instead of my boring old sermon, I'm going to take a page from the book of Bart and do something I've always wanted to do.
+Take five, Mrs. Fische.
+Wait! Wait... I can do this.
+Wait! wait... hold on.
+The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi. Who can tell me what his first message was?
+I want-a to change-a my name-a!
+It was...
+Our 10th caller will receive tickets to 'Supertramp'.
+Aw geez. Everybody's a comedian.
+I'm blue. Time for some of my patented spitting off the overpass.
+Oh, man.
+Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck?
+It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.
+Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, one-hour-photo, instant-oatmeal society.
+What's the answer?
+Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity. May I suggest "good-natured doormat?"
+Sounds good, sis. Just tell me what to do.
+Springfield will have its first annual "DO WHAT YOU FEEL FESTIVAL" this Saturday whenever you feel like showing up. It'll be a welcome change from our annual "DO AS WE SAY FESTIVAL," started by German settlers in 1946.
+Ach. If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ye and burn yer town to cinders.
+I know it's on.
+Park anywhere. I'm not gonna lay any rule trip on you today.
+I feel like such a free spirit. And I'm really enjoying this so-called "iced cream."
+Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say that I... love... you.
+... In those colors.
+Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time.
+My God, they're naked!
+Double your pleasure, Springfield.
+I'm sweatin'. Let's ride through the car wash.
+Arr! This picture'll serve me well on those lonely nights at sea.
+This is great. I can finally look like I want and not get hassled by the man.
+Cowabunga!
+Skateboards? You copycat wannabes.
+Eat my shorts, young man.
+Good afternoon, and welcome to the "Do What You Feel Festival." By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing.
+And now, to usher in this new era of feeling good, is the uh godfather of soul, James Brown.
+I FEEL GOOD / I KNEW THAT I WOULD NOW / I FEEL GOOD / I KNEW THAT I WOULD / SO GOOD SO GOOD / I GOT YOU OW!
+Hey, wait a minute! Hold on, here. This bandstand wasn't double bolted.
+I didn't feel like it.
+Hey, I hear ya, buddy.
+Uh, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation, but my inner critic says you should've done your job!
+Hey now, Marge. Let's not "should" this fella to death.
+Yeah, next you'll be laying a guilt trip on me for not oiling that ferris wheel.
+In the spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I think. You two screwed up royal.
+Ya know, I really don't feel like being blamed.
+I feel that you should shut up!
+You know, you really irritate me, Skinner. What with your store-bought haircut and excellent posture.
+Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice.
+Oh really?
+Oh now, now, there's no need to resort to violence.
+Ah, sure there is.
+I knew it. If only I had nagged more...
+God is angry. We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman.
+No, you must not blame yourself, reverend. You must blame that little boy! He started it all!
+Get him!
+Hey, boy! In here!
+Hold on, son.
+So long, suckers!
+Damn! They're very slowly getting away.
+They're headin' for the old mill!
+No, we're not.
+Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
+"That's a good idea." "Cider!" "To the mill! There's a good view!"
+Ah... boy, if only Bart had been a better role model for everyone.
+That's not fair. The lesson here is that self-improvement is better left to people who live in big cities.
+No! Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick-fix. It's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery.
+That's what I've been saying. We're all fine the way we are.
+Oooh, it's that new show about the policeman who solves crimes in his spare time.
+Crank it, Homer.
+You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGarnigal. Did you really have to break so much furniture?
+You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.
+Ah, McGarnigal. Eases the pain.
+You're off the case, McGarnigal!
+You're off your case, Chief.
+What does that mean, exactly?
+It means he gets results, you stupid chief.
+Dad, sit down.
+Oh, I'm sorry.
+... thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible!
+Tell me more!
+Keep cool, Simpson. Be in the game, but not of the game.
+No es bueno!
+Winners don't use drugs.
+Oh. I'm out of money.
+Don't say that out loud.
+Two Caucasian males out of money in Sector Four. Go to code red.
+I'm sorry, you'll have to leave.
+Oh, aw, man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon?
+You mustn't kill time, boys -- you must cherish it! Seize the day! Can I have some change, to go get loaded?
+Ah, finally a little quiet time, to read some of my old favorites.
+"Honey roasted peanuts. Ingredients: salt, artificial honey-roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings." Mmmmm.
+Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner.
+Money's too tight for steak.
+Sure, steak.
+Ah! The last peanut - overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers.
+Uh oh. Something's wrong.
+Ow, pointy. Eww, slimy. Uh-oh, moving. Ah-ha!
+Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
+Explain how.
+Woo hoo!
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
+You know, this is wearing a bit thin.
+You think so?
+Bart, look!
+Maybe a plane exploded.
+Our prayers have been answered!
+Hello, gents. What will it be?
+Apu, give us a Super-Squishee.
+One that's made: entirely out of syrup.
+Entirely out of... An all-syrup Super-Squishee? S-such a thing has never been done.
+Just make it happen.
+Oh dear...
+Won't be long. She won't hold! She's breaking up! All done. If you survive, please come again.
+It's so thick.
+Your turn, Bart.
+Wowww... That's good Squishee.
+What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart...?
+Gimme that!
+OK... We're young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?
+Let's go crazy, Broadway-style!
+SPRINGFIELD, SPRINGFIELD!/ IT'S A HELL OF A TOWN!/ THE SCHOOLYARD'S UP AND THE SHOPPING MALL'S DOWN!/ THE STRAY DOGS GO TO THE ANIMAL POUND!
+SPRINGFIELD, SPRINGFIELD--!
+SPRINGFIELD, SPRINGFIELD--!
+NEW YORK, NEW YORK--!
+NEW YORK IS THAT-A-WAY, MAN.
+Thanks, kid!
+It's a hell-of-a--- towwwnnn!!
+Mmmmm... free goo.
+Hey, don't bogart that Squishee.
+I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.
+Ohhh... my head....
+Tsk, tsk. The remorse of the sugar junkie.
+I don't remember anything.
+Really? Not even this?
+Oh, no. I must have joined the Junior Campers!
+The few, the proud, the geeky.
+Boy, a man on a Squishee-bender can sure do some crazy things.
+Uh oh. Not again.
+Okay look, I made a terrible mistake. I wandered into a Junior Camper recruitment center. But what's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it.
+I know you think the Junior Campers are square and... "uncool," but they also do a lot of neat things, like sing-a-longs and flag ceremonies.
+Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
+All I've gotta do is take this uniform back after school.
+You're lucky, you only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
+What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege.
+What's in the bag, wuss? Oooh, look! Camper's pampers.
+Keep-away! Keep-away!
+Keep-away! Keep-away!
+Yeah. Whatever.
+You better pretend you want your uniform back, twerp.
+Keep-away! Keep-away! What a baby!
+Oh no. Woe is me, my precious uniform.
+Guess what, class!
+Time for a surprise quiz?
+Well, that's not what I was gonna say, but it's a good idea. Ha. Take out a sheet of paper, books under your desks.
+But I'm supposed to... I've got to... I'm supposed to...
+Um, Mrs. Krabappel...?
+I'd love to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities.
+Hey look -- Sergeant Dork! Haw haw!
+Enjoy your test.
+Haw ha... ugh.
+Hel-lo, alternative to testing!
+Well it's Bart Simpson! C'mon in! You're just in time for "Sponge Bath the Old Folks Day!"
+Help yourself, but stay above the equator.
+Now, just breathe into him every three seconds. Make sure you form a tight seal around his mouth.
+Should I keep doing it?
+Well sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary pine cone and you got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir.
+I'm outta here, man.
+Okay, now, everybody take out your Junior Campers pocketknives...
+You guys get to play with knives?
+Cool! A spork!
+Don't hurt me.
+Oop, sorry, Bart, that's a Neddy no-no. You're not allowed to handle a pocketknife 'til you read this booklet on knife safety and pass a test.
+Aw, who needs a cruddy knife anyway?
+Knives are boring.
+When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it.
+You call that a knife? This is a knife.
+Down I go.
+Oh hi, Bart. I'd gladly share these sweet cookies with you, if only you Would help me remove this ribbon.
+Here's a knife.
+Oh. Thank you. Now let's all share the goodness.
+Share this!
+This man's appendix is about to burst. Luckily, I have my trusty pocketknife.
+Stand back!
+Thank you, Dr. Hibbert.
+Don't thank me: thank the knife.
+Seems like everywhere I look people are enjoying knives.
+"Don't Do What Donny Don't Does." They could've made this clearer.
+They won't let you have any fun.
+Well if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.
+Homer, you should be more supportive.
+You're right, Marge. Good work, boy.
+Egghead likes his bookie wook!
+Just tucking him in.
+Here you go, your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of Pussy Willow.
+Rubber knife? This place is for wimps.
+Okay, kids, now I'm gonna teach you how to trap wild animals. But this should only be used in a life or death situation.
+Hmmm...
+Oooh, floor pie.
+BART!!!! Mmm... apple.
+The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet-bend.
+Oh, Bart, cartoons don't have to be one hundred percent realistic.
+Howdilly hey, Camper Bart. Ready for today's meeting?
+You know-it-know it, Neddy.
+You see anything yet?
+Okilly dokilly. Now, our annual Father-Son Rafting Trip is next weekend.
+Oh, no. Me bring Homer on a rafting trip?
+Dah, I am the captain. My son is Bart.
+What an oaf. / How embarrassing.
+Glad he's not my father.
+Oh Warren, I know your Dad is in prison, but don't you fret. A special Celebrity Dad has been arranged for ya.
+But my older brother would like to...
+Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already been confirmed.
+Hiya. I'm sure you kids know me best as Sergeant Fatso Judson in "From Here to Eternity."
+How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh?
+Stupid poetic justice...!
+Actually, we were just planing the father-son river rafting trip.
+Heh heh. You don't have a son.
+Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask him, and he'll say no. Then it'll be his fault.
+I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes.
+Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.
+Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me!
+Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you!
+Aw, c'mon kid, quit crying! It'll be fun, I promise!
+Arrr, here be a fine vessel. The yarest river-goin' boat there be.
+I'll take it.
+Arrr, I don't know what I'm doin'.
+Okey-dokey, everybody find a partner. Two dads to a raft.
+Please not Flanders. Please not Flanders. Please not Flanders.
+Well, Homer, looks like we're boat buddies, huh? Want me to Zinc your sniffer?
+I guess now we know why they call them rapids and not slow-pids, huh?
+You are not my son.
+Now what happened to that gosh darn map I brought?
+Uh, I dunno. But lucky for you somebody here is responsible.
+Hey, there's a new Mexico.
+Whoa, Nelly!
+Oh, quick, Homer! Which way do we turn--?
+So many Krustyburger locations.
+Uh-oh... no time.
+Matthew, Mark, Luke-and-John!
+Hey, where are the sissy and the bald guy going, HUH?
+Paddle harder, Homer. We gotta fight the current.
+Wrong again, Flanders.
+In a situation like this, you just relax and let the current take you back to land.
+SUGAR. DO DO DO DO DO DO AWWW. HO--NEY. HO.....NEYYY. DO DO DO DO DO DO. / YOU ARE MY CANDY GIRRRRL Lousy piece of junk!
+Hey! I got that for my birthday!
+Now I have to face stupid reality again!... Flanders! My socks feel dirty! Gimme some water to wash 'em!
+Again? Homer, we have to ration the water carefully. It's our only hope.
+Oh pardon me, Mr. Let's Ration Everything, but what do you think we're floatin' on? Don't you know the poem? "Water, water everywhere/ So let's all have a drink."
+Homer! No!
+Ohh... What does it matter? We're doomed!
+Run! We'll hide at my house!
+Wrong, we're saved! Sea gulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die.
+Woo-hoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right, not Flanders. We are doomed! In your face, Flanders!
+Well, at least Ned is trying! What are you doing to help?
+Well, since you're all such a bunch of big ration-babies, I'll just be in charge of the rationing.
+Observe, boy. The secret is to take tiny bites, like so:
+STOP IT! / STOP IT! / DAD!
+Why couldn't I be on one of the smart rafts. I bet they're having the time of their life.
+I keep telling you, lady, your husband and son have to be missing for a week before we can start searching. I'd like to help sooner, I would, but we're very, very busy down here.
+King me.
+Still no help.
+You know, it is cougar season. And those things don't mess around.
+A rescue plane! Get the flare gun!
+This ain't one of your church-picnic flaregun-firings, Flanders. This is the Real Thing...
+All right, well that's okay. When they come to rescue him, they'll rescue us.
+Here's our chance! Dolphins always help humans lost at sea.
+Come back! Come back! Oh, we're done for! We're done for! We're Done-diddily-done for we're done- diddily-doodily done-diddily-doodily done-diddily-doodily done-diddily-doodily...
+Flanders! Snap out of it!
+Thank you, Homer, I dunno what got--
+Dad, I think he's oka--
+It's better to be safe than sorry. Sorry.
+Diddily.
+Nothing, Captain. Somebody took all the beer and coldcuts.
+That's it. I'm not even casting off until we go to the store.
+You know, Homer, this cheese doodle is our last morsel of food.
+You'll thank me when we're frying up a big juicy fish.
+Godspeed, li'l doodle.
+He'll be back.
+Here fishy, fishy, fishy. We're waiting.
+Son, there's something I was gonna give you at the end of this trip, but since we may not survive, I want you to have it now.
+A real Swiss army knife. Cool!
+I stole it from that Borgnine guy.
+Don't worry, kids, I'll take care of him with my trusty...
+Uh... uh... Um.. Uh... Hmm...
+Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days. If I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug.
+Thanks boy. Now be careful when you...
+Dad, don't take this wrong, but your expression doesn't fill me with confidence.
+The foul stench of death is upon us. Mmmm... hamburgers.
+Hey, wait! I smell hamburgers too.
+According to this map there's a Krustyburger on an offshore oil rig!
+That's what you're smelling, Homer! Oh, if it weren't for this blasted fog, we'd be saved!
+Never mind the fog! That way. Steer! There isn't much time!
+I'm taking a bath on this!
+We tried to tell you these are unmanned oil rigs.
+Close the damn thing down! No one's ever gonna come.
+Give seven hundred Krustyburgers!
+You want fries with that?
+You did it, Dad! You saved us! I'm proud you're my father.
+Go away. Eating.
+Well, it sure is lucky we stumbled upon this old abandoned Summer camp.
+Hey, how about a song?
+THERE WAS A FARMER WHO HAD A DOG, AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O...
+AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O.
+The beauty of it is each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game.
+I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.
+Blasted woman, you parked too close. Move your car.
+I'm in the lines. You got a problem, go tell your mama.
+Oh don't worry, she'll hear about this.
+Class, I know there's no way to prove who actually did this, and in our American Democracy, everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
+God bless America.
+But my classroom is not a democracy. Ha. For the rest of the year Bart Simpson will be the first student called on for every question.
+Well, let's get started.
+Can someone pronounce this word? Hmm, Bart!
+Pick me, teacher. I'm ever so smart.
+It's photosynthesis! Damn your feeble brain!
+Oh, I couldn't read it. The letters are all blurry.
+Is it possible all your misbehavior and miserable grades have been caused by a simple vision disorder?
+You mean it ain't me noggin, it's me peepers? Well that's just loverly.
+Watch this, guys.
+Uh oh, he's done for.
+Don't worry, the safety glass will protect us.
+Hey, this emergency exit is painted on.
+There's no way out! There's no way out! We're doomed. Dooomed!
+Well sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape. But we desperately need a real emergency exit.
+Why that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes maybe? Smithers, throw this at him.
+Smithers, where does that tube go?
+I'm not sure, sir. It was here when we moved in.
+Dance! Dance! Dance!
+Sir, we'll need a new Dangerous Emissions Supervisor.
+Yes, well, find someone cheap. It's been a very lean year for us.
+Money fight!
+Excellent, Zutroy. Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny.
+Agent Wesson, Department of Labor. This man's an illegal alien.
+That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie.
+Dok nee grabb ga, Mr. Burns.
+This plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core.
+That plane crashed on my property!
+Look, Mr. Burns. We want to see some changes. For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman.
+All right, I'll bring in a woman. But I still stand by my hiring policies.
+Get back to work, Stuart!
+Now with my new HMO I can provide every medical service you'll ever need under one roof. You do have insurance, don't you?
+Well that's wonderful. Heh heh heh. Let's go visit our optometrist.
+Your son has a temporary condition called "lazy eye," where one eye is weaker than the other. You'll have to wear these for two weeks.
+Menachem Begin wore a pair just like them. Hmmm, that scalp's a little dry. Better see our dermatologist.
+Rub a palm full of this medicated salve into your scalp every half an hour. Keep him away from open flames and pregnant women.
+Ah, these should help those fallen arches. Enjoy.
+Hmmm, throat looks a little red. I'd better spray it.
+Whoa, thanks nice lady. My voice is crazy with the spraying already. Ayy, I feel so much better mister medical science-type person.
+Aw, if they hire a woman we won't be able to spit on the floor.
+And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot.
+And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain.
+I mean... you know if we wanted to... not that I... ever did.
+Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new co-worker, Mindy Simmons. I think she has a degree in engineering or something.
+Hi. How's it goin'?
+Pleased to meet ya.
+Yeah, ditto.
+Homer, what's the matter?
+Ain't you ever seen a naked chick ridin' a clam before?
+Gotta go.
+What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.
+Nice glasses, four eyes.
+Yeah. Nice shoes... uh... two feet.
+Your appearance is comical to me.
+I'm a nerd.
+So am I.
+Yeah. Another day, another box of stolen pens.
+Have a good night, Homer.
+You too. No goose bumps. No hallucinations. That last time was just a fluke.
+HOMER LOVES MINDY... HOMER LOVES MINDY...
+Hey Homer. You're hallucinatin' again.
+Not a good sign.
+So uh, what do you guys think of Mindy?
+Seems okay. Anybody see the game last night?
+Yeah. That Mindy seems real nice.
+Homer, what's with you? You're talking during a coffee break.
+Yeah, usually you just take the box of donuts into the bathroom.
+Mindy has a motorcycle.
+Look everybody! I'm the same person I always was.
+Hey, he's learning on his own!
+Get 'em!
+Moe, I need your advice.
+See, I got this friend named... Joey Joe Joe Junior... Schabadoo.
+That's the worst name I ever heard.
+Hey, Joey Joe Joe!
+Oh, what the hell, it's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do?
+"Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman, and you'll realize you have nothing in common."
+Barney. That is so insightful. How did you come up with that?
+It was on one of these bar napkins.
+Uh, so. Let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find we have very little in common.
+Can't talk... eating.
+Hey, my favorite, raspberry swirl with a double glaze.
+Double glaze.
+Okay, so we have one thing in common. But you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV.
+Not me. That's my idea of heaven.
+Me too.
+Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
+Foul temptress! I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy, too.
+I made it the whole day without seeing her again.
+I mean hello!
+I guess we'll be going down together. I mean getting off together. I mean...
+That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator, I mean elevator.
+That's unsexy.
+Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.
+Well, this is my floor.
+Arr - see ya tomorrow.
+Ah, home to my loving family. What more can a man ask for?
+Hi, Hober. Dote kiss be, I'b all stuffed up.
+Hi, Dad.
+Hi, son. Howya... ewww.
+Dad, look, I made fish sticks. They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside so it balances out.
+Yeah, good.
+That raccoon stole my lamb chop.
+Let's have a little quality time together, just you and me.
+Oh that's sweet. Guess what. There's a new place at the mall - they'll put your picture on a T-shirt. I got two dollars off because mine got smeared.
+Hey! We haven't watched TV in awhile.
+Tonight Eye on Springfield takes a look at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush, and Clinton. Did fooling around on their wives make them great? We'll find out next when we play "Hail to the Cheat."
+The Burmese Melon Fly has over a thousand sex partners, and suffers virtually no guilt.
+Ooh, just do it!
+Examine your scalp for ringworm.
+Hello hotline? I am very tempted by another woman.
+Homer Simpson! That's a dilly of a pickle. Hey, let's conference you with Marge, huh?
+Who are you?
+Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you would recognize and revere - Sir Isaac Newton.
+Sir Isa-who?
+Oh, very well.
+Col. Klink! Did you ever get my letters?
+I'm not actually Col. Klink. I'm just assuming his form.
+Hee, hee, hee, hee. Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
+Ho-MER! That's not why I'm here. My job is to show you how miserable life would be if you married Mindy instead of Marge.
+Ooh, I would live in a big mansion?
+I'm so happy, darling.
+I, as well. Are you happy, Jeeves?
+Yes, sir. Quite.
+Then we're all happy.
+Let's get out of here!
+Sure, life is good for you, but what about Marge?
+Marge lives here?
+Madam President, your approval rating is soaring.
+This dream is over.
+Hey, you! Get out of my office!
+Nerd!/Freak!/Different!
+You're goofy lookin'!
+Whoa, what the hell...
+What is this place?
+The refuge of the damned.
+A place where we can work on our extra credit assignments without fear of reprisal.
+Come, you must be tired from the chase. Oliver, bring our friend a hard boiled egg and some prune juice.
+Finally, Bart's one of us.
+Excelsior!
+OH MINDY, YOU CAME AND YOU GAVE WITHOUT FLAKING. BUT I SENT YOU BEN-GAY, OH ANDY, YOU KISSED ME AND STOPPED ME FROM SOMETHING, AND I...
+Dad, why are you singing?
+Um, because I have a small role in a Broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start.
+Are you hiding something from me?
+Like what?
+Judging from your song, you're infatuated with a woman named Mindy... or a man named Andy.
+Lisa, look out behind you!
+Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that.
+No, Lisa, I swear to you. I'm one-hundred percent completely serious. You've got to turn around right now before it's too late.
+Sucker.
+Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now on.
+Max, what I did I did because of alcohol and anger.
+I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand. The first such incidence occurred in nineteen fifty-six when...
+Hi, Homer.
+Oh no! I'm sweating like Roger Ebert.
+Uh, Murphy, you are elf a controllably I think a we nam- myo-renge-kyo.
+Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers. That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's Energy Convention.
+Are you sure, sir?
+Well no one else seems to share the same spirit of camaraderie.
+Simpson. Simmons. You two have been chosen to represent us at the National Energy Convention. Congratulations. You'll be spending two nights together in glamorous Capital City.
+Wow! Capital City - The Windy Apple!
+Come on, I'll get you the tickets.
+Oh, this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced. Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me?
+What is it? Do you have a question?
+Heh heh heh. Did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot?
+He did?
+TV's there; bathroom's there; and there's your king sized bed for...
+Stop that. I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort. That's it.
+Free mouthwash! Free shampoo! Free shower curtain!
+Free shower curtain!
+Wow, if it weren't for this wall we'd be sleeping in the same bed.
+Yeah. Uh, walls are a necessity in today's society. Heh heh.
+Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble.
+Oh, Mindy, we have to fight our temptation.
+No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service!
+Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.
+Well we'll just see about that.
+Fly my pretties! Fly!
+Continue the research.
+I can't believe we ordered so much.
+Oh. Something's missing. Ooh, one of the turkeys fell behind the bed.
+Mmmm... foot long chili dog.
+It's a sign!
+Good news, honey. Two weeks are up. You don't have to wear your glasses anymore. And your scalp and posture seem fine.
+Kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes?
+Okilly dokilly.
+We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today let's pound his kidneys.
+Let's get...huh?
+What gives?
+Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead. Beat me and you will be beating one of your own.
+Whatever.
+So this stuff really works?
+Certainly does.
+Oh well, lots of luck!
+Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard!
+Get bent!
+No more Chernobyls!
+Go to hell!
+Heh, you know, I was a little worried about coming to this convention with you, but I think as long as we're not alone together...
+And now the moment you've been waiting for. This year's King and Queen of Energy are... Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons!
+Homer, Mindy, you've just won a romantic dinner alone, at Madame Chao's, the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City!
+Is there any way to get out of this?
+What a perfect evening. It was sure nice of them to make us cheeseburgers.
+Oh yeah.
+Hey, we're out of these "new love" cookies.
+Well, open up the "stick with your wife" barrel.
+Well I guess you'll want to come in.
+This was a really nice night, Homer.
+Yeah, yeah.
+What's wrong?
+Oh yeah. Like you don't know. We're gonna have sex.
+Oh... well, we don't have to.
+Yes we do. The cookie told me so.
+Well, desserts aren't always right.
+But they're so sweet.
+Homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
+Well, maybe I want to. But then I think about Marge and the kids well not the boy, he drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to...
+Homer, you know how I feel. So it-it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.
+Oh, baby.
+This was a wonderful idea, Homie.
+Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed.
+Mmmm... Marge.
+OH, MARGIE, YOU CAME AND YOU FOUND ME A TURKEY, ON MY VACATION AWAY FROM WORKEY...
+The "News on Parade" Corporation presents ... "News... on... Parade!"... Corporation... News!
+Bringing you the world of... Current Events!
+... New gadgets!
+... and Hollywood! Look! It's Amos from radio's Amos and Andy!
+Hello, everybody!
+Springfield -- City on the Grow!
+It's a proud day as Springfield is declared one of America's 400 fastest-growing cities! And why not? Business is booming -- half the country wears Springfield Galoshes!
+And say hello to the state's first Aqua-Car factory! Keep 'em coming, boys!
+The city's even in the celebrity business -- everyone knows Professor Rubber-Mouth hails from Springfield!
+Everybody's chipping in -- even this fella has Springfield's can-do spirit!
+So watch out, Utica -- Springfield is a city on the grow!
+They are.
+Got any spare change, man?
+Yes and you ain't gettin' it. Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'.
+I'm old. Gimme, gimme, gimme!
+Hey, there's something you don't see in a toilet every day.
+Anybody lose their glasses? Last chance. Woo hoo!
+The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining sides.
+That's a right triangle, you idiot.
+Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
+It was fun.
+We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
+Er, yeah, I'm sure I left them in the car.
+No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords...
+Sir, bad news from accounting. The economy's hit us pretty hard.
+Hey, tough times, eh? I've lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinley-nomics. I'll survive this!
+Well, even so, sir. We could stand to lay off a few employees.
+Oh! Very well -- lay off... Him, him, him, him...
+Hmm, better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.
+Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you.
+Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
+I'm Bart.
+Gimme those.
+... and finally, Henry Kissinger was hospitalized today after walking into a wall. Now over to Kent Brockman with some grim economic news.
+Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors -- useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
+I haven't been able to find a job in six years!
+Huh, and what training do you have?
+Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.
+The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all this squarely on you, the viewers.
+I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And uh, once elected, I will send for the rest of you.
+Excuse me, Mr. Mayor.
+The uh chair recognizes the little chick with the gleam of hope in her eyes.
+Thank you.
+This piggy bank contains fifteen dollars I've saved from my allowance. It isn't much, but I would like to help.
+Aw, just what I need to tip the skycaps.
+I'll tell you what made this town great! Good old-fashioned gumption! There's nothing here a little elbow grease won't fix! So let's roll up our sleeves and...
+People! People, let's be a little more realistic...
+Now, I uh hesitate to bring this up, but a number of cities have rejuvenated their economies with uh, legalized gambling.
+Uh, there is an added bonus -- some of the revenue can go to help our under-funded public schools!
+Well, I like the part about the gambling.
+What do you think, Reverend?
+Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
+By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town!
+Well, now. Are there any objections?
+Actually, I think it might really help our economy.
+Very well, then. Instead of fleeing this town, I'll stay here and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds.
+This could be a whole new beginning for Springfield.
+And you know what the best part is? We've really done something for the children.
+We're thrilled you've decided to build your casino on our waterfront.
+Oh, I'll never forget my carefree boyhood days on this old boardwalk...
+Why you! Er, Master Burns! I mean, carry on.
+Ah, me leg's gone gimpy! Oh, who'll provide for me little ones?
+What was I laughing at, now? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman.
+Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino.
+Gentlemen, I give you, "Britannia!"
+Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles! And best of all... the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits! Fresh from the streets of Sussex, they are!
+Freshen your drink, guv'nor?
+Get out!
+Okay, alright, wait, now now dig this man...
+Get out!
+Oh wow oh... let me just get my head together...
+I'll need three ships and fifty stout men! We'll sail 'round The Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen!
+We're building a casino.
+Arr. Can ye give me five minutes?
+Idiots. I'll design it myself. I know what people like. It's got to have sex appeal, and a catchy name.
+Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school, and I don't know which state to go as.
+In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
+No. Nevada makes my butt look big.
+Then how 'about going as Florida? You enjoy orange juice, and old people like you.
+Dad, what do you think?
+Shhh. I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.
+I got a job at Burns' casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer.
+Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on "The Gong Show." And you did it in 1977, remember?
+We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.
+Hello, I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns' Casino. If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please just let me know.
+Yeah, great. See ya...
+Uh, don't forget to apply for our VIP Platinum club for special discounts on...
+Hey! I said bug off!
+Uh, let's see... 18... 27... 35. Dealer busts. Looks like you all win again.
+Yee ha! Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it allllways brings me good luck!
+Why thanks, Senator! Oop, looks like my shift is over.
+Come on lucky seven! Papa needs a new pair of spats! I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi! Fat City, here I come!
+Please throw the dice now, please now!
+Don't rush me, I have arthritis.
+Will the gentleman please roll the dice.
+All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for cryin' out loud, I dropped one... Oh now it's in my shoe. Ow! Ow! Ooh!
+A round of applause for Anastasia! She loves show business -- so much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, huh.
+Hey tiger, wake up.
+Woo Hoo! Jackpot!
+Wait a minute, are you over twenty-one?
+Are you?
+I'm not authorized to answer that.
+By the way, your martinis suck!
+Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino? In your treehouse? And get all your little friends to come? I'd like to see that.
+Ah yeah, welcome... have a lucky day... um hmmm.
+Well, he certainly showed me.
+Hi, Homie.
+Hey, Marge, after your big tantrum against legalized gambling, I bet it feels pretty weird to be in a casino.
+I was for the casino!
+Strike three, Marge. I remember that meeting, and I have a photographic memory.
+Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
+For you. It's the President.
+Y'ello?
+And then I said to the president... get this Marge? Marge?
+I wonder if they have a lost and found. Oh, what the hey.
+Hey, how's it goin'?... Hey, good to see you... Tell your friends. Lookin' lucky... Hey, what's happenin'? Love THE jacket.
+Behold the box of mystery! The cat goes in... uh...
+Twenty- one? Do that card-counting thing again! Come on. Do it again.
+Definitely have to leave the table.
+No! Please, please, please, please, please...
+Gotta watch Wapner. Leave the table. Yeah, leave the table.
+Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened, five days ago.
+Well, I've discovered the perfect business. People swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now. Except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen. Will we Smithers?
+Uh... No, sir.
+Whoa, a baby on the table! That's good luck!
+Snake eyes. Sorry.
+Gawrsh! It must be exciting to live in the cas-een-oh!
+You know, we're having a party tonight...
+Huh, Marge, you gotta watch out! Your little boy Bart coulda been eaten by that pony!
+Oh my God, Barney, thank you. I would never have forgiven myself.
+Now you stay put, young lady.
+Man, that's classic compulsive behavior!
+Wow, free beer.
+Buddy, those are my quarters!
+Hey, this guy's paying off!
+I don't wanna hit a "sore" spot, but can we talk about herpes? "HERPES HERPES BO BERPES / BANANA FANNA FO BERPES"... HERPES! Ow! Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head? Herpes, trust me... Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? You people are the worst audience I've ever seen.
+Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen!
+Oh, great. Well we'll just sit here silently for the next ninety minutes.
+Fine with us.
+They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they, Smithers?!
+Why, what do you mean, sir?
+Marge, you waited for me.
+Okay, Marge, let's go.
+I'll catch up to you.
+Marge, I'm taking the car.
+I'll walk.
+This late? Through the bad neighborhood?
+Marge...
+Go home. You're bad luck!
+Wait. I see what's happening here. You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you. Well, that's just sad.
+Um, excuse me, Ma'am. Don't you think you've gambled enough?
+Okay. We're required by law to ask every seventy-five hours. Get her another free drink.
+Double stars. Everybody wins.
+Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating? I mean we haven't had a meal with Mom all week. And she hasn't even started my costume for the Geography Pageant.
+Pipe down, sister. I've gotta book a new act for tonight. Turns out that Liza Minelli impersonator was really Liza Minelli.
+There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
+You've gotta improvise, Lisa. Cloves, Tom Collins Mix, frozen pie crust.
+Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. We could go down to the casino and let her know.
+Ah, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to... Let's go see Mom.
+Marge, we need to talk. You're spending too much time at the casino, and I think you may have a problem...
+I won sixty dollars last night.
+Woo hoo! Problem solved!
+Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes.
+That's quite a nice model, sir.
+Huh? Wuh? Lisa? What's up?
+I just had a bad dream.
+Aw, sure... you just lie down and tell me all about it.
+Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the Boogeyman was after me and he's hiding...
+Boogeyman?! You nail the windows shut! I'll get the gun!
+Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a Boogeyman or Boogeymen in the house!
+What happened here?
+Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Boogeyman. Of course, none of this would've happened if you'd been here to keep me from acting stupid.
+Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending too much time at the casino. I'll be around more from now on.
+Does this mean you'll help me with my costume?
+Sure, honey. I promise.
+Thanks, Mom.
+Aw. Just like on TV.
+Hi. Are you from the casino?
+I'm from a casino.
+Good enough. Let's go.
+I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, Sir.
+Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.
+Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
+Your manager says for you to shut up!
+Vera said that? Hmmm.
+Dad, Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume, and she's not and the Geography Pageant is tonight.
+Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just that she has a career, now. She's a slot jockey.
+But Dad, if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida, I'll be the laughing stock of the whole school.
+It's always something isn't it? First, I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you, and now this.
+Ow...ow...ow...ow.
+Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
+Oh yeah, the costume.
+Hello, Floreeda.
+I'm not a state, I'm a monster!
+No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor. And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws.
+Marge! Where are you?! Damn this casino! Damn this casino!
+Seven. Lucky seven.
+Can't talk now.
+Smithers! I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino!
+Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir.
+Oh, my beloved plant... How I miss her.
+Bah! To hell with this! Get my razor! Draw a bath! And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!
+Certainly, sir. And the jars of urine?
+Oh, we'll hang on to those. Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose. Hop in.
+But sir...
+I said, hop in.
+Homer! What is it? Slow down.
+Think before you say each word.
+You broke a promise to your child.
+You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry, then I cried. Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trooper.
+Lisa's costume. Homer, I didn't realize. I'm so sorry.
+Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem.
+You know, you're right, Homer. Maybe I should get some professional help.
+No no, that's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore.
+JINGLE BELLS / BATMAN SMELLS / ROBIN LAID AN EGG! / BATMOBILE LOST ITS WHEEL / AND THE JOKER GOT AWAY! HEY! Thank you... Thank you very much.
+Ooh. I'm sorry, kid.
+And special awards go to the two students who obviously had no help from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.
+I'm Idaho.
+Yes, of course you are.
+Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell.
+You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage, I can finally look down my nose at you. You have a gambling problem.
+That's true. Will you forgive me?
+Oh sure... Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears?
+Well, that's nothing, because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus?
+Well, you have a gambling problem!
+Homer, when you forgive someone, you can't throw it back at them like that.
+Aw, what a gyp.
+And remember when I...
+Oh yeah. I forgot already.
+Dad! We've been robbed!
+Wake up, Dad! Wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone.
+Woo hoo!
+And our portable TV!
+And my necklace.
+Eh, that's no big loss.
+Homer! That necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom.
+Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of 'em.
+Well... Yes, I do. But they're all heirlooms, too.
+The burglar even took my stamp collection.
+YOU had a stamp collection?
+Stamp collection. Haw haw!
+Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. That saxophone was my one creative outlet. It was the only way I could truly express myself.
+Shhh, quiet Lisa.
+Hey, the burglar left his calling card.
+"You have just been robbed by The Springfield Cat Burglar"... Cute.
+Hidilly ho, neighboreenos.
+You folks got robbed too? The burglar took my Shroud of Turin beach towels.
+Wow. It's a crime wave.
+Good Lord! My Stormin' Norman Commemorative Plates stolen... again.
+Hey! I thought I had more stuff than this.
+We are insured, aren't we, Mom?
+Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance.
+Curse you, Magic Beans.
+Oh, stop blaming the beans.
+Hello, police? Are you sitting down? Good. I wish to report a robbery!
+A robbery, right. Thanks for the report.
+Another one, Lou. 723 Evergreen Terrace.
+Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern, yet. But if I take this one and move it here, and move these over here... Hello... It almost looks like an arrow.
+Hey look, Chief. It's pointing right at this police station.
+Let's get outta here!
+When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be.
+So, professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
+Yes I would, Kent.
+Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen please, we have a major break in the case. We recovered the burglar's handkerchief from one of the crime scenes. Now one sniff of this baby and our tracking dog will be hot on his trail. Gosh, look at me, I'm sweating like a pig here...
+Ahhh. Aw man... that's better.
+Alright, get the scent, boy. Come on. Get the scent. Now kill! Go on.
+Ow, my jugular! Any questions?
+Let me check my reason list.
+Yep. It's on here.
+Well, as you can see, when the burglar trips the alarm, the house raises from its foundations and runs down the street and around a corner to safety.
+Well, the the real humans won't uh.. won't burn quite so fast there.
+Cool! High-tech security system.
+Alright, free laserium. All the colors of the bow, man.
+My cataracts are gone! I can see again! All the beauty of nat...
+I'm blind! Oh well, easy come easy go.
+It's the cat burglar! Please, don't kill me!
+Abe, can I use your ointment?
+Oh, it's you, Molloy. Alright. But this time clean off the applicator.
+Thank you for coming. I'll see you in Hell.
+Alright, these are our new family security rules: Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed, lock all doors and windows.
+And don't take candy from strangers.
+Marge, they're only human.
+What's the point of all these precautions? I've already lost the only thing that matters to me.
+Oh Lisa, stop pining for your saxophone. I got you another instrument.
+What, this jug?
+Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoe-down.
+Aw, honey. I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.
+Thank you.
+You know Lisa, music helps daddy think.
+Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow, can I join you?
+I dunno. Can you swing a sack of door knobs?
+Can I?!
+Welcome, neighbors... since the police can't seem to get off their dufferoonies to do something about this burglarino, I think it's time we start our own neighborhood watch... arooni!
+Now, who should lead the group?
+Yeah! Flanders! Flanders! Flanders!
+I don't really have very much experience, but I'll be---
+Someone else!
+Yeah! Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!
+I'm someone else!
+He's right!
+We don't need a thinker, we need a doer. Someone who'll act without considering the consequences.
+Homer! Homer! Homer!
+I'm with you, Homer.
+I be with ya too, matey.
+I'm with you, Homer.
+You're the man, Homer.
+You're so good.
+You're the man, man.
+I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar...
+Sorry, Dad. You're too old.
+Too old! Why that just means I have experience. Who chased the Irish out of Springfield Village in ought four? Me, that's who!
+And a fine job ye did too!
+Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes they are. Yes they are...
+Stop it! It's a form of abuse!
+I don't think the guns are a good idea, Homer.
+Marge, we're responsible adults and...
+... and if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way...
+Me again.
+Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be "Cueball." Skinner can be "Eightball", Barney will be "Twelveball," and Moe, you can be "Cueball."
+You're an idiot.
+So, wedding, huh?
+No, we're forming a vigilante group.
+Come with me.
+See, it's a miniature version of the A-bomb. The government built it in the fifties to drop on beatniks.
+Radiant cool crazy nightmare. Zen New Jersey nowhere.
+Put this in your pipe and smoke it.
+How now brown bureaucrats.
+Woo Hoo! Woo hoo hoo hoo!
+Woo hoo, hoo! Take that Maynard G. Krebs!
+Hey, see this sign?
+Okay, men, it's time to clean up this town.
+Meaning what exactly?
+You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
+Bart, give me that megaphone of yours.
+It's not just a megaphone, Dad. It's a RapMaster 2000.
+Never mind the commercials. Just give it to me. I've got to whip this neighborhood into shape.
+Move along there.
+It's Hammer!
+Return to your homes and places of businesses!
+Hey you, where'd you get that saxophone?
+Get him!
+No burning leaves without a permit!
+I got one.
+Too late.
+You better have a good reason for doing that, boy.
+It makes me feel like a big man.
+You're in. Here's the sack.
+But you gotta supply your own knobs.
+So I said to him, "Look buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your Grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."
+Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?
+I 'unno. Coast Guard?
+Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the cat burglar?
+And I still don't have my saxophone.
+Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas.
+Literacy programs... preserving our beloved covered bridges... world domination...
+World domination?
+Oh, that might be a typo.
+Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80 percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900 percent?
+Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.
+I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
+Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
+Touché.
+Well, it looks like we have our first caller. And I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show. Hello, you're on the air.
+Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer, my arch nemesis.
+Y'ello.
+Uh, you do realize who this is...
+Uh... Marge?
+No, Homer, I'm not your wife, although I do enjoy her pearls. As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now. Listen.
+Why you monster! And you have my daughter's saxophone too!
+Homer, that's our stage manager!
+Oh sorry. I'm a little nervous.
+It may interest you to know that for my next crime I'll be pinching the pride and joy of the Springfield Museum, the world's largest cubic zirconia.
+Listen, Mr. Cat Burglar, I vow to go without sleep and guard the Springfield museum day and night for as long as it takes, from now on unless you want to taunt me more by giving me an approximate time.
+We'll be right back.
+I get to say that.
+Son, we wanna help you catch that plug-ugly-yegg.
+Dad, the best way for you to help is to set a good example. Just stand around and don't steal anything.
+We're on our break!
+Any sign of the burglar yet?
+He'll show.
+How's that?
+It's his job.
+How's that?
+He's a burglar.
+Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you? There's just one little problem. Thirty-six years ago some lady gave birth to a man named Homer J. Sim -- Oh my God! Underage kids drinking beer without a permit!
+Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
+Asleep at the switch! I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!
+I believe you, Dad.
+Well, no matter what the paper says, I still have a job to do.
+Go home, Simpson.
+You let me down, man. Now I don't believe in nothing no more. I'm going to law school.
+Nooooo!
+Dad, maybe this will cheer you up.
+Oh, this doesn't work any more.
+I didn't say stop.
+Oh my! I had no idea how much this town loved that zirconia.
+Let me through! Coming through!
+Oh, Grampa. They pelted you too?
+No. Actually I fell down at the Big Boy.
+Son, I've come to help you. I know who the cat burglar is.
+What? Who? Huh? What?
+Well, well, well. Before I was too old and no one wanted my help. Suddenly, look who comes to old Grampa for--wait! Where're you going?
+Come back. I'll tell you.
+He was right under my nose the whole time. He lives in my retirement home. His name is Molloy.
+Wow! How'd you track him down, Grampa?
+Good question.
+On one of my frequent trips to the ground... I noticed Molloy wore sneakers.
+For sneaking! My next clue came just yesterday at the museum. We felt slighted by your age-bashing and started home.
+Molloy said, 'I'll catch up with you.'
+I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked. Much more vertical than usual. And finally, Molloy, unlike most retired people, has the world's largest cubic zirconia on his coffee table.
+Aw, Dad, I could kiss you.
+Well kiss me right here. It's the only part that still has feeling.
+No wait! I know where the burglar is!
+To the retirement home!
+Hooray!
+And there she is: the world's largest cubic zirconia.
+What an eyesore.
+So, Mr. Molloy. It seems that the cat has been caught by the very person that was trying to catch him.
+How ironic.
+Homer old chum. Well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.
+Actually, it wasn't me. It was my Dad, Grampa.
+Thanks, son. So you see old people aren't so useless after all. Molloy's old and he outsmarted the lot of ya. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him.
+Shut up.
+I've had my moment.
+And of course, I'm happy to return all of your treasured possessions.
+Selma, my dear, your lock of MacGyver's hair.
+Thank you. I'll add it to the ball.
+And little Lisa, here's your saxophone.
+Thank you. And thank you, Dad. You got it back, just like you said you would.
+I sincerely regret any inconvenience I may have caused. And although I have stolen your material goods, let me assure you that your dear town has stolen my heart.
+Awwwww.
+Oh, he's so charming!
+Let's let him go.
+Oh, sorry, folks. Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Molloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail.
+Uh, that reminds me, uh, here's your monthly kickback.
+You just, you couldn't have picked a worse time.
+I caught the cat burglar. I caught the cat burglar. That means you. You are the cat burglar.
+I suppose you're wondering where I hid all the millions of dollars I stole over the years.
+Shut up.
+Oh, wait a minute. Maybe we should uh, hear him out. Where'd you hide the loot, Molloy?
+It's buried right here in Springfield, under a Big T.
+No kidding.
+Big T, huh?
+Well, I guess I'll be going to my home now and... sleep.
+Yeah, me too. I will also go home for sleep.
+Lemme through! I gotta find a Big T. There's millions of dollars buried under a Big T!
+We need more information.
+It's buried at 4723 Maple Valley Road.
+Ah, you take highway 201 south for 15 minutes... take a left at the left.
+Oh, that was fun, ladies!
+Whatsa matter with you, kid? You told me the stream was shallow. Why you... oh kid... I'll kill you...
+Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
+Yes I would, Kent.
+Whoa, I found something!
+It's just a piece of paper.
+It's mine!
+"Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden treasure. I have already used this time to escape from your jail. Fondest wishes." Oh, I can't make out this signature.
+Keep digging. We're bound to find something.
+Hmmm. I guess we're not gonna find anything.
+Uh, how're we gonna get outta here?
+We'll dig our way out!
+No, no! Dig up, stupid!
+Ahh, the morning horoscope. "Today will be a day like every other day." It just gets worse and worse.
+Bart, I've asked you not to whistle that annoying tune.
+Jawohl, mein mommandant.
+Why are you so happy?
+Yeah, you kids gotta go to school. I gotta go to work. The only one who has it easy is Marge.
+We're having a field trip today. Ah, Lis, won't it be great to cast off the shackles of the soul-crushing hellhole that is Springfield Elementary? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Your class isn't going.
+You're right, Bart. School is for losers.
+And that's how I cured all disease, ended war, and reunited the entire cast of TV's "Facts Of Life", including long time hold-out, Tootie.
+Sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish.
+Hush, field trip boy.
+Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic.
+Yo! Lis! Lis! Come back, Lis! Come back!
+Why? I'm so much happier here.
+And now Principal Skinner will tell us where we'll be going on this year's field trip.
+Thank you, Edna, everyone. Now class... I wonder who among you can tell me what this is?
+Not the box factory again, Seymour.
+This may well prove fascinating.
+I know, I'll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy.
+Class, instead of going to the box factory, today we'll be going to the... box factory.
+Damn TV, you've ruined my imagination just like you've ruined my ability to... to um, uh... oh well.
+FIFTY-SIX BOXES OF BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL / FIFTY-SIX BOXES OF BOTTLES OF BEER / YOU TAKE ONE DOWN AND PASS IT A-ROUND/ FIFTY-FIVE BOXES OF BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!
+The story of how two brothers - and five other men - parlayed a small business loan into a thriving paper goods concern is a long and interesting one. And here it is. It all began with the filing of form 637 slash A, the application for a small business or farm...
+Many interesting and important things have been put into boxes over the years. Textiles... other boxes... even children's candy.
+Do any of these boxes have candy in 'em?
+Will they ever?
+No. We only make boxes to ship nails. Any other questions?
+When will we be able to see a finished box, sir?
+Oh, we don't assemble 'em here. That's done in Flint, Michigan.
+Have any of your workers ever had their hands cut off by the machinery?
+...And then the hand started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody?
+No, that has never happened.
+Any popped eyeballs?
+I'm not sure what kind of factory you're thinking of. We just make boxes here.
+This room is the most popular part of our tour.
+It's just like the other rooms.
+Yes, but with one important difference. Oh. We took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.
+What's that building over there?
+That's just the TV studio where they film Krusty the Clown and other non-box-related programs. Since it has nothing to do with boxes, I'll just shut these blinds.
+Now here's my office. If you will direct your eyes to the floor, you'll see a yellow line. Follow it. It will lead you around my desk ...and back out the door.
+I gotta get outta here.
+Aha! The perfect escape!
+Do you work here, little boy?
+Well then go right in, sir.
+Bart! / Where are you!
+I'll handle this. Simpson! I'm giving you 'til the count of three to come out. One... two... three. I've done all I can do.
+We'd better call his parents.
+Just a minute! Don't hang up!
+Buzz off, Giuseppe.
+No answer at home. I'll call his father.
+Just a minute! Don't hang up! Y'ello... you'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
+Action!
+Ayy yi yi! No me gusta! I'm sorry, I'm really not comfortable with this, Ethan.
+What's the matter, love?
+It's just, it's it's the same old tired gags, isn't it? I mean, let's give the audience some credit.
+How 'bout a giant mouse trap?
+I love it!
+Action!
+Ayy yi yi! No me gusta! Ay, it's grande.
+What do you mean you lost him?! He might have fallen into one of these machines!
+Oh my God! That's his lucky red hat!
+He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you! A boooxxx!
+I said I wanted a Danish.
+I'm sorry, all the Danishes are gone.
+They're not gone, you're gone!
+Hmm, mm, mm, tragic news tonight, one hundred and twenty dead in a tidal wave in Kuala Lala...peer... Kuala La Lum... par... France.
+Aw heck... now where am I going to get a Danish?
+Here's a Danish, Krusty.
+Gimme, gimme, gimme!
+Now that's Danish. Where'd you get it?
+I stole it from Kent Brockman.
+Great. He didn't touch it, did he?
+Good job, kid. What's your name?
+I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail.
+I reunited you with your estranged father.
+Yes, Krusty?
+I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special?
+Yeah, well what have you done for me lately?
+I got you that Danish.
+And I'll never forget it.
+Hey, kid!
+Wow! A big clown hankie!
+It's a towel, you yutz. I want you to wash it. You're my new assistant.
+Yeah, I know I'm on, but I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead, try to find a replacement.
+A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed one hundred and twenty people. Ai chihuahua! Whoa whoa whoa!
+Marge, I have some horrible, bone chilling news.
+What is it?
+Hi, Homer.
+Oh, nothing.
+Hey, that's my lucky red hat sitting on top of a double-corrugated, eight-fold, fourteen-gauge box.
+Oh, it sounds like you really learned something on your field trip. Think you'd be interested in a career as a box maker?
+Well that'll always be the dream, but for now I got a job in the show business. From now on I'll be helping Krusty the clown after school.
+I don't know, Bart. You're only ten.
+I've got a weekend job helping the poor. And I'm only eight.
+That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay ya? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping 'em? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!
+So, anyway, can I, Mom? Can I take the job?
+Well...
+Why not? I remember my first after-school job. I was in a band.
+Hello, everybody. I'm Archie Bell and I'm also the Drells. We got a new song called, 'Tighten Up' and this is the music you tighten up with.
+Hey, what's a-matter with you, you crazy kid? You a-chasin' away my a-business.
+Hey, Pepe, go for the face!
+Yes, son, you can have an electric guitar, just like your old man.
+Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.
+Gig, son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.
+Wow, being in show business is like a dream. We're really lucky, aren't we?
+I wish I was dead.
+Don't listen to him, kid. This is a dream factory. The birthplace of magic and enchantment. Now, I need you to go and clean out my toilet.
+Right in here, boy. Eww. I don't know WHAT I was thinking last night. This'll take you a couple hours.
+I'm telling ya, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the credits.
+Bye, bye kids!
+Yayyyyyy!
+I'm Kent Brockman, on the eleven o'clock news tonight...a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with funny Sonny Storm.
+There's my name. Right there. Bart Simpson.
+Looks more like "Brad Storch".
+No, it says "Betty". "Betty Symington".
+That's for taking credit for other people's work.
+It's okay, son. Who cares what a bunch of fourth graders think? You're doing what you want to do with your life. Nothing else matters.
+Thanks Dad, that's great advice.
+Yep, well, that's what got me where I am today.
+There, there.
+Would you sign my picture, Krusty?
+Sure kid. Get in line.
+I love you, Krusty!
+Over there.
+Okay, kids, open your books to page sixty...
+Bart, I need to get your fingerprints on a candlestick. Meet me in the conservatory. Chop chop. Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right.
+I wish I was dead.
+Bah! There's cheese in this sandwich! Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant.
+Sorry! Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oooh boy. Come stand next to the bathroom door. I want to yell at you some more.
+Show business sucks. I'm outta here.
+Bart! I need to use you in a sketch.
+You want me to be on the show?
+It's just one line. Mel was supposed to say it, but he's dead.
+Or sick. I dunno, I forget. Anyway, all you gotta do is say "I am waiting for a bus." Then I hit you with pies for five minutes. Got that?
+I am waiting for a bus.
+Makes me laugh. Let's go.
+I am waiting for a...
+I didn't do it.
+Oh, man. It's a miracle we got through that one. Remind me never to let you on stage again, kid. Some people got it, some people don't. And you, my young friend, do not have... hold on, I want to finish this thought outside...
+It's that kid!
+It's the "I didn't do it" guy!
+He's mine. I own him and all the subsidiary rights.
+Why this rickety ladder, in front of this door is the perfect place for this priceless Ming vase.
+...Eh? ...Eh?
+I didn't do it.
+Thank you. Thank you. And now, the "I didn't do it" Dancers.
+Don't move, dude. This is totally a gun.
+I didn't do it!
+Joe, how could you?
+I uh, didn't do it.
+Help! Help!
+This is the third time that this building has burned down because someone has been smoking in bed.
+I didn't do it.
+This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly. It's not even about him.
+Sure it is. Look at the cover.
+But inside it's mostly about Ross Perot. And the last two chapters are excerpts from the Oliver North trial.
+Ah. Oliver North. He was just poured into that uniform.
+I DIDN'T DO IT / I DIDN'T DO IT.
+Hey, proper.
+I have to pay to see my own grandson. That's the Democrats for ya.
+See the boy, five dollars, or call him twenty-four hours-a-day on Bart Chat.
+Bart Chat?
+Are you Bart?
+Sure I am. "I didn't do nothing."
+Uh, isn't it, "I didn't do it?"
+Yeah, whatever.
+Uh... I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something?
+Say the line, Bart!
+I didn't do it?
+Yayyyyy!
+Come on, Lisa. Say something funny.
+Like what?
+Oh, something stupid like Bart would say. Bucka bucka or woozle wozzle. Something like that.
+Brought to you by...
+Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous, I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad.
+Obnoxious fad?
+Aw, don't worry, son, they said the same thing about Urkel... that little snot. Boy I'd like to smack that kid.
+What the hell are you readin' books for?
+I'm doing the Conan O'Brien show and I wanna have some intelligent stuff to talk about.
+Don't forget to say "I didn't do it".
+Dad, there's more to me than just a catchphrase.
+How do you figure boy?
+Watch the Conan O'Brien show. You'll see.
+All right, but after Leno I'm all laughed out you know.
+You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I'm not just a one line wonder. Did you know that a section of rainforest the size of Kansas is burned every single...
+Just do the line.
+I didn't do it.
+Great material. We'll be right back.
+Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.
+Do the line. Just do the line. What's gonna happen to me?
+And now it's time for Matchgame twenty thirty-four!
+With - Billy Crystal, Farrah Fawcett-Majors-O'Neal-Varney, The "I didn't do it boy", Ventriloquist Loni Anderson... Spike Lee, and the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle.
+Hi everybody! Let's start the game!
+Yargghh!
+Bart, it's time to get ready for the show.
+Where is that little punk? We go on in ten minutes. Oh, the tension!
+Somebody walk on my back!
+One at a time! No Teamsters!
+That dog can sell anything.
+Honey, I know you feel a little silly saying the same four words over and over, but you shouldn't. You're making people happy. And that's a very hard thing to do.
+You're right, mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive... my job, my job. Repetitiveness is my job. I am gonna go out there tonight and give the best performance of my life.
+The best performance of your life?
+The best performance of my life.
+Where is that lousy little pisher?... Bart.
+And now... boys and girls... here he is... the boy that says the words you've been longing to hear like the salivating dogs that you are... Bart Simpson!
+I didn't do it!
+I didn't do it.
+Woozle wozzle.
+"Woozle wozzle?" That's what passes for entertainment these days? "Woozle wozzle?"
+Ladies and gentlemen, the clown show has been put on hiatus for retooling.
+What happened?
+Oh, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all.
+Finished?
+It happens all the time. That's show business for ya. One day you're the most important guy who ever lived...
+The next day you're some schmo working in a box factory.
+I heard that!
+Boy, show business is kinda cruel, isn't it?
+And that was "Kung Fu Fighting." Say, speaking of one trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I Didn't Do It" kid?
+Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa... ya know, if you want to last in this business, you gotta stay fresh.
+I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
+Thanks, Mom.
+Oh no, it is encrusted with filth.
+And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
+Aye carumba!
+Hidilly ho!
+Haw haw!
+Excellent.
+If anyone wants me I'll be in my room.
+What kind of catchphrase is that?
+I need one twenty-nine cent stamp.
+That's a dollar eighty-five.
+I want two dollars worth of gas, please.
+Four-twenty.
+How much is your penny candy?
+Surprisingly expensive.
+What a rip-off.
+This is what I think of your store.
+Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!
+Jiminy cricket, whew, expired ham!
+Well, this time I've gone too far. No, no one will fall for...
+Woo hoo! Cheap meat!
+Oooh, this one's open!
+Oh, stomach churning... Bowels clenching... Not much time. Must finish.
+Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or uh, some sort of voodoo curse.
+Hey, we've just been workin' the eyes.
+Your old meat made me sick!
+I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
+This shrimp isn't frozen and it smells funny.
+Okay, ten pounds.
+Woo hoo!
+Good evening. Here's an update on last week's nursing home expose: "Geezers in Freezers." It turns out the rest home was adequately heated, the footage you saw was of a fur storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "Geezers." Now coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer."
+Ooh. Rancid meat attack. Stupid parasites. Is there no way I can find justice?
+If you have a consumer complaint, just call this number...
+Bor-ing.
+Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart.
+...and now a message from the Church of Latter Day Saints.
+Dad, are you listening to me?
+Shhhh, Lisa. The dog is barking.
+All right, are you willing to go undercover to nail this creep?
+No way, man No way, man. Get yourself another patsy, man. No way am I wearing a freakin' wire.
+All right, all right, all right. Would you be willing to wear a hidden camera and microphone?
+Oh, that I'll wear.
+We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat.
+Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember, you have to get in and out in ten minutes, or you'll suffer permanent neck damage.
+He's not kiddin'.
+Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
+Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.
+Bee? Aah!
+Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.
+La, la, la, la, la.
+Well, time to replenish the hot dog roller.
+La, la, l- Oop.
+Oh, well... let's sell it anyway.
+Now this is just between me and you, smashed hat.
+Hot diggity dog! We've got him, Mr. Simpson. Now lets -- Mr. Simpson?
+One hot dog please.
+Apu, will you ever stop selling spoiled meat?
+No! I mean, yes! I mean... uh-oh.
+I think I come off very well.
+Monster! Run, children!
+Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart corporation.
+But sir, I was only following standard procedure.
+Ah, true. But it's also standard procedure to blame any problems on a scapegoat, or "sacrificial lamb."
+Uh huh. And if I can obtain for you these animals...
+I'm sorry, Apu, I have no choice. You can no longer wear this name patch.
+And you can no longer tell people about our fried pickles.
+Now turn in your pricing gun.
+The other one too.
+Fired after all these years of loyal service. I don't want to live anymore!
+Give me that wiener.
+No, I don't want to live, sir.
+Give me that wiener! No, Apu, it's not worth it!
+What do I do now? I've been drummed out of my profession. I am a disgrace.
+Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter.
+Who needs money when we got feathers?
+This is all because of Homer Simpson.
+Yo, check this out. Black guys drive a car like this. Yeah, but white guys, see they drive a car like this.
+It's true, it's true. We're so lame.
+It is time to settle the score.
+No, don't kill me! I didn't know there was film in that camera in that hat! I was unaware! I WAS UNAWAAARE!
+Mr. Simpson, you misunderstand me. In my village this is the traditional pose of apology.
+You know, now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly. I have come to make amends. At first I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
+You're selling what now?
+I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
+You can't sell that. Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
+He's got me there.
+Is he still out there?
+Yes, he's raking leaves.
+What? That's your job. If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping...
+If he wants to make it up to you so badly, I think you should let him.
+Okay, okay I'll let him. But then I get a chipwich, okay?
+It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you. Back in Rhamatpur, I was considered quite the gourmet.
+It certainly is exotic.
+Lisa, is that too spicy for you?
+I can see through time.
+Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
+A napkin.
+Outrageous.
+Alright, why do you want to become part of the Kwik-E-Mart family?
+Because I like people, and I need a place where I'll be out of the sun.
+Hm, he's head and shoulders above everyone else.
+Wait. There's one more applicant.
+James Woods.
+Previous job experience?
+Ooh, uh, "True Believer," uh, "Salvador," "Onion Field," "The Hard Way..."
+Wait, wait a minute -- those aren't convenience stores. That sounds like the resume of a Hollywood movie star.
+James Woods!
+Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart?
+Well, to be honest, in my upcoming movie I'm gonna be playing this tightly-wound convenience store clerk and you know, I, kinda like to research my roles and really get into it. For instance, "True Believer," I actually worked in a law firm for two months. And then the film "Chaplin," I had a little cameo in that, I actually traveled in time back to the 1920s where... I've, uh, said too much.
+Welcome aboard.
+Good morning, sir!
+Relax, please. You do not have anything I have not seen before. What the...?
+Uh, I like to keep a lollipop there.
+Apu, We usually store our cans in the cupboard.
+Well, they'll never move that way.
+Mmm corn. Haven't had that in awhile.
+Yeah, delicious corn.
+Hmm. Oh, we're low on milk for Maggie. You wanna come with me to the Kwik-E-Mart?
+Please, Mrs. Simpson. I... I can not go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.
+Well, I guess we could go to that new Monstromart...
+Ooh. That's a good price for twelve pounds of nutmeg.
+Great selection and rock bottom prices. But where is the love?
+Attention Monstromart shoppers. Just a reminder that we love each and every one of you.
+Excuse me, ma'am, where are the lampshades? Ma'am?
+Oh, I've killed her. It's all happening again.
+Help me! Help m-- Mmm, it's crantastic!
+Oh, Mrs. Simpson, the Express Line is the fastest line - not always. That old man up front, he is starved for attention. He will talk the cashier's head off.
+Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was. I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to "three," medium brown...
+Let's go to that line.
+But that's the longest.
+Yes, but look - all pathetic, single men - only cash, no chit-chat.
+Seventy-five, eighty-five, ninety and a dollar. Thank you and come again.
+Hey! Wait a minute. Hey, can I just ask you a question?
+Did you, did you believe that?... I mean the way I gave you the change... Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy?
+Actually, I thought it was a little labored.
+You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man.
+Yeah, like... Yeah, okay, great. Okay, let's let's just try that again, okay? C'mon! Hey, c'mon. Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Get over here. Okay. Now you're you I'm me.
+I'm me?
+Hey, don't jerk me around, fella.
+Pass the chutney.
+Apu, you've been so helpful. If it weren't for him, we'd still be in line at the Monstromart.
+And he taught me how to play the shenai.
+That's even worse than the album Grampa released.
+And he taught me how to do this.
+I got out of school because I told them I was mangled in a car wreck.
+Thank you all for the kind praise.
+Well you deserve it. All these vegetables are really clearing the cholesterol out of the old heart.
+Ub. Apu friend me good.
+I think what my father's saying is you're like a member of the family now.
+I feel that way too. You see, whether igloo, hut, or lean-to/ or a geodesic dome / There's no structure I have been to / which I'd rather call my home...
+WHEN I FIRST ARRIVED YOU WERE ALL SUCH JERKS / BUT NOW I'VE COME TO LOOOVE YOUR QUIRKS/
+MAGGIE WITH HER EYES SO BRIGHT / MARGE WITH HAIR BY FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT / LISA CAN PHILOSOPHIZE / BART'S ADEPT AT SPINNING LIES / HOMER'S A DELIGHTFUL FELLA / SORRY 'BOUT THE SALMONELLA.
+That's okay.
+WHO NEEDS THE KWIK-E-MART?/ NOW HERE'S THE TRICKY PART / OH WON'T YOU RHYME WITH ME? / WHO NEEDS THE KWIK-E-MART...
+THEIR FLOORS ARE STICKY-MART.
+THEY MADE DAD SICKY-MART.
+LET'S HURL A BRICKY-MART!
+THAT KWIK-E-MART'S A REAL... .
+WHO NEEDS THE KWIK-E-MART?
+NOT ME!
+FORGET THE KWIK-E-MART! / GOODBYE TO KWIK-E-MART! / WHO NEEDS THE KWIK-E-MART?
+NOT ME!
+Everything really wrapped up nicely. Much quicker than usual.
+I guess we've learned that happiness is wherever you find it.
+And we've all found happiness... Every one of us.
+Hey, what's that sound?
+WHO NEEDS THE KWIK-E-MART? I DO.
+Hey, he's not happy at all. He lied to us through song. I hate when people do that.
+I can't lie to myself, you know... I do miss my Kwik-E-Mart.
+Isn't there anything you can do to get your job back?
+I must go to the head office and appeal my case.
+I'm coming with you. I got you fired, it's the least I can do... Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing. But I'll go you one better and come along.
+But, sir, the head office is in India.
+Dad... That's over ten thousand miles away.
+I'm aware of that.
+That's over sixteen thousand kilometers.
+I'm sorry we couldn't take a cab, but I spent my last dollar on the plane tickets.
+Are we in India yet?
+Are we in India yet?
+Are we in India yet?
+Are we in India yet?
+No. Oh wait. Nnnnow we are.
+To-Toni, Toni, do-- you're my agent, you have to do something about this. Uh, how can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a tightly-wound convenience store clerk to a jittery Eskimo fire fighter? Uh-huh... uh-huh... um-hm... Well actually, that's a pretty good explanation. Now this gross, this'll be gross points, right, and there's no... okay, yeah, 'cause those mon... yeah, okay, great. Okay, good. Book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that boom, I am outta here. I'm a dot. I'm gone, okay? Whaddaya mean I gotta give two weeks notice? Damn. Freakin'...
+...no good motha... cheese. Not you... just talkin' to my oven.
+IF YOU'RE SAVED AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS! / IF YOU'RE SAVED AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS! / IF YOU'RE SAVED AND YOU KNOW IT, AND...
+Oh great. Christians.
+Attention passengers, dinner is now being served in the dining car.
+There she is, there she is, the world's first convenience store.
+This isn't very convenient.
+Must you dump on everything we do?
+He is the benevolent, enlightened president and CEO of Kwik-E-Mart, and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. He is the one I must ask for my job back.
+Approach, my sons.
+You may ask me three questions.
+That's great, because all I need is one.
+Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
+Really?
+Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
+But, I must --
+Thank you, come again.
+Thank you, come again.
+Well that was a big bust... is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
+No need to apologize, Apu. It was as much my fault as it was yours.
+Okay, Apu, I accept your apology.
+Dad, Dad!
+What'd ya bring? What'd ya bring?
+How did it go?
+Fine. Oh, I mean not good.
+I'm sorry, Apu. But remember, Who needs a Kwik-E-Mart--
+Do you mind? I'm not in the mood.
+Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
+Yes, yes you are right, sir. I've got to accept my fate. I have feared it for long enough now. I'm going to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart and I'm going to face my demon.
+Oh, that'll work out great. We're out of Lucky Charms.
+Ah, my old Squishee machine.
+And my scumbucket with fly.
+And the hot check list.
+Hey! Hey, you're Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, aren't you? You're the... you're like the guy... You're a legend around here. Can I ask you, is it, is it true you once worked ninety-six hours straight?
+Oh, yes. It was horrible. I'll tell you. By the end I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.
+Oh, yeah. You know, I studied your old security tapes.
+In a few minutes, I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.
+All right, you. Hand over the cash. And don't try any funny stuff.
+Hey pal, I assure you if I tried any funny stuff, you would be in hysterics.
+Hey, you're James Woods.
+Oh, thank you. Yes, thank you.
+Well, Mr. Woods, your new song is gonna be number three with a bullet.
+Uh, I'm not a singer.
+Shut up!
+Noooooo!
+Ah! The searing kiss of hot lead--how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
+Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery.
+Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart.
+Oh, oh, Mr. Woods, you're...
+As for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.
+That sounds like a good movie.
+Yes... yes, a movie, yes.
+Hey, let's all hug Apu.
+Hey, there's still time. Let's hug him again.
+Welcome to the new Springfield Center for Geriatric Medicine. You know, health care for the aging is an important priority--
+Get to Matlock! Maaaatlock!
+Well, uh, without further ado I give you the man who puts young people behind bars -- where they belong -- TV's "Matlock!"
+WE LOVE YOU, MATLOCK, OH YES WE DO...
+What's eatin' you, Abe? For three weeks, all you been talkin' bout was meeting Matlock. Now you met him, swiped his pills... "Take one every hour to prevent spastic heart convulsions..."
+But you ain't said a word.
+Lookin' at that tired old freak has made me realize I'm no spring chicken myself. I can feel death's clammy hand on my shoulder.
+Wait. That's my hand.
+Hello. As you may know, I might not be around much longer, so I've decided to give you your inheritance before I die, that way I can see you enjoy it. Lisa, I know you like reading and... so forth... To you I give you my lifetime of personal correspondence.
+Thanks. "Mr. Simpson. Stop. Your constant letters are becoming a nuisance. Stop. If you do not cease, I will be forced to pursue legal action. Stop. Signed, Boris Karloff, Hollywood, California."
+And to my son, Homer...
+Woo hoo!
+...And his entire family...
+...I leave these. A box of mint-condition nineteen eighteen Liberty-Head silver dollars.
+Ya see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in zeppelins dropping coins on people. And one day, I seen J.D. Rockefeller flyin' by, so I run out of the house with a big washtub and... Where're you goin'?
+Dad, we'd love to stay here and listen to your amusing antidotes, but we have to take these coins to the mall and spend them.
+Anyway, about my washtub. I had just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "Walking Bird"...
+...we'd always have "Walking Bird" on Thanksgiving. ... With all the trimmings: cranberries, Injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called 'baseball.'
+Look, Maggie! It's Sgt. Thug's Mountaintop Command Post, complete with Death-bringer missiles that really launch!
+That toy isn't safe for a baby like Maggie.
+Ah, come on, Marge, you're way too...
+When I was young, toys were built to last! Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box!
+And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em! ...Stupid toy soldier... stupid!
+All right, come on, pops. Soldiers won't bother you anymore.
+ONE, TWO, THREE O'CLOCK, FOUR O'CLOCK ROCK. FIVE, SIX, SEVEN O'CLOCK, EIGHT O'CLOCK ROCK!..
+ROCK! ROCK! ROCK! ROCK-A, ROCK, ROCK! ROCKAROCKROCK!
+WE'RE GONNA ROCK, GONNA ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK TO-NIGHHHTTT!
+Thank you, thank you very much!
+I'm warning you, Mom -- I may get a little crazy.
+I understand, honey. When I was your age there was a...
+Hey, horse-face! Git yer ugly pie-hooks off that Summer Fun Set!
+Look! "Achy-Breaky" Stacy for a dollar ninety-nine!
+"Live from the Improv" Stacy is only eighty- cents.
+Hey, mister, what's in the box?
+Um, it's the uh new Talking Malibu Stacy.
+Help!! Mr. Weiss!
+Hm. I don't know if it's a good idea to do that while you're driving.
+Marge, that's what I bought it for!
+Watch it with that thing! My skull is eggshell thin!
+Thanks for buying us these toys, Grampa.
+Bah. Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty! Ew! What smells like mustard? There sure are a lotta ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh, look at that one!
+Ow! My glaucoma just got worse! The president is a demmycrat! Hello! I can't unbuckle my seat belt! Hello?
+There are too many leaves in your walkway!
+Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death?
+Yes. But there's more.
+Dad, I love you, but: you are a weird, sore-headed old crank and nobody likes ya.
+Consarn it! I guess I am an old crank. But what am I gonna do about it?
+One sip and I'm totally hip!
+Buzz Cola. There's a little boogie in every bottle.
+Holy smokes, that's it! From now on, I'm thinkin', actin', and lookin' young! And I'm gonna start with a bottle of Buzz Cola!
+Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Eh! Water, water!
+A hush falls over the General Assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address.
+I wish they taught shopping in school!
+Let's bake some cookies for the boys!
+Come on, Stacy. I've waited my whole life to hear you speak. Don't you have anything relevant to say?
+Don't ask me -- I'm just a girl!
+Right on! Say it, sister!
+It's not funny, Bart! Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act! That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!!
+Just what I was gonna say.
+Look at me! I'm actin' young! Woooow!
+Hey, this ain't so bad.
+Let's buy makeup so the boys will like us!
+Don't you people see anything wrong with what Malibu Stacy says?
+Oh, there's something wrong with what my Stacy says.
+My Spidey sense is tingling! Anybody call for a web-slinger?
+No, Celeste, I mean the things she says are sexist.
+Oooh! Lisa said a dirty word!
+They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!
+Lisa -- ordinarily, I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in, but you have been doing that an awful lot lately.
+Yeah, you made us march in that Gay Rights Parade.
+And we can't watch Fox 'cause they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.
+I can't believe you're just gonna stand by as your daughters grow up in a world where this, this is their role model.
+I had a Malibu Stacy when I was little, and I turned out all right. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
+Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
+That's it! I'm calling the company!
+Hello. You have reached the Malibu Stacy Customer Service Center. If you have a complaint about Malibu Stacy's appearance or odor, press one. If you've given Malibu Stacy a haircut and need to order a replacement head, press two. For information on our factory tour, press three...
+Mom! We could go on the factory tour and I could complain in person!
+Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Keebler people were very upset...
+Welcome to Enchantment Lane, where all the parts come together and Malibu Stacy is born! Some folks say there is a little touch of fairy dust in the air.
+Aw, crap. There's a clog in the torso chute! Leroy, get your ass in gear.
+Shut yer hole.
+Malibu Stacy -- America's favorite eight and a half incher!
+In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lovell had a design and a dream. The design--Malibu Stacy. The dream--to mass-market a fashion doll that was also edible.
+Kids didn't much like the taste of dried onion meal, but they loved the doll! A second, plastic Malibu Stacy took America by storm. Just ask the owner of the world's largest Malibu Stacy collection--Waylon Smithers of Springfield.
+Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors! I'll see you at StacyCon ninety-four, at the San Diego Airport Hilton!
+And what does Stacy think of her thirty-five years of success and millions of friends worldwide?
+Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!
+She sure is!
+Well, that's the tour. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer--
+I have one.
+Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake?
+Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns.
+Hey, Jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here!
+Oh, you, get away...
+Ah, don't act like you don't like it.
+It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
+It's rotten being old. No one listens to ya.
+I'm a white male, aged eighteen to forty-nine. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.
+Well, I'm not gonna accomplish anything just sitting here--
+--And gripin'. It's time for --
+Action! I've got to talk to that woman who invented Malibu Stacy and see if I can get her to --
+-- Come out of retirement! I'm gonna get me a job! A real Malibu! ...And see if Stacy can help invent me... young... Help!!
+You're getting a job.
+Yes! I'm goin' where the action is!
+Come in! Come in! Mayday! I'm losing your transmission!
+I said french fries!!
+What the...? Do we sell "french fries?"
+Yes? Why, it's Homer Simpson's daughter.
+I thought you might be able to help me get in touch with the inventor of Malibu Stacy.
+Whew! That would be quite a feat. Stacy Lovell's a total recluse -- she hasn't appeared in public in twenty years. Here, I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy Newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. I'll - uh -print you out a copy.
+Thanks.
+Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.
+Um, you probably should ignore that.
+No, it couldn't be...
+Excuse me. Miss Lovell? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
+Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down and--
+Am I the first?
+I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy is telling a generation of little girls.
+Thinking too much gives you wrinkles.
+All right! I've been waitin' nine years to get my Frisbee back!
+Ohhhhh...
+My name is Stacy, but you can call me .
+I see exactly what you mean. This is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?
+Change what she says. It's your company.
+Not since I was forced out in nineteen seventy-four. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.
+That's awful!
+Well, that, and I was funneling profits to the Vietcong.
+But you are Malibu Stacy, and as long as she has your name, you have a responsibility. I'd be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it.
+I may have had things in common with Stacy in the beginning, but thirty years of living her lifestyle taught me some very harsh lessons. Five husbands...
+Ken, Johnny, Joe, Dr. Colossus, Steve Austin...
+But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's mistakes, so can everyone. I'm sure we can think of something together. C'mon!
+Not now, I'm too drunk.
+No you're not! Uh, I'll come back tomorrow.
+We need some more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
+Hey! Now that old man Peterson's off our backs, let's have some fun!
+Ever see a sandwich that could take a bite out of you? Look at this sandwich. It's gonna bite you.
+Ow!! Damn sandwich took a bite outta me!
+I've got the solution -- you and I are gonna make our own talking doll. She'll have the wisdom of Gertrude Stein and the wit of Cathy Guisewite, the tenacity of Nina Totenberg and the common sense of Elizabeth Cady Stanton. And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt!
+All right, we'll make your doll!
+Stacy, please, I must have you back. Just come for a ride with me in my mobile command unit.
+Joe, I told you. It's over. Release me from your kung fu grip.
+Fine. I'll bomb your house into the ground, missy.
+Make sure you get my Mom's hair just right.
+Um, I think we'll use someone different for the hair.
+How about me?
+Um, there's something not quite...
+How about me?
+How about me?
+Excuse me?
+You all have hideous hair!
+I mean from a design point of view.
+Talking doll, take eight.
+"...When I get married, I'm keeping my own name." You know, that should probably be if I choose to get married.
+Uh, look, little girl, we got other talking dollies to record today.
+Alright you poindexters, let's get this right. OneHeyheykidsI'mTalkingKrusty! TwoHeyheyherecomesSlideshowMel- again- herecomesSideshowMel, SideshowMel. Three: ! Baddabing, baddaboom, I'm done. Learn from the professional, kid.
+Okay, Krusty, uh we are ready to roll and uh... What the --
+Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.
+All right! Now all we need is a name.
+How about "Blabbermouth -- The Jerky Doll for Jerks?"
+How about "Minerva," after the Roman goddess of wisdom?
+Hmm, not enough commercial appeal.
+"Wendy Windbag"? "Ugly Doris"? "Hortense: The Mule-faced Doll"?
+I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her "Lisa Lionheart."
+No! "Loudmouth Lisa!"
+"Stupid Lisa Garbageface!" I can't stand this any longer! Somebody please pay attention to me!
+Hello! Pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm Bart! I'm Bart! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
+This is great! They're really gonna sell our doll.
+Well, it wasn't difficult. I just told them who I was, and who you were, and they couldn't resist.
+Really?
+Well, I didn't tell them who you were.
+Gentlemen, we've got to sink this Lisa Lionheart doll and fast. It's time to call in a favor from Washington.
+Yes... Yes... I understand... I'll take care of it personally.
+Dad, did you hear something?
+I'unno.
+Dad, my new doll's much better than Malibu Stacy. Do a newscast about her!
+Please, honey, Daddy's job is to bring people important news. Right now I'm very busy preparing a report about the fortieth anniversary of Beetle Bailey.
+Oh, Daddy, that is boring! Talk about the dolly!
+Well... You were right about the Berlin Wall.
+Though it was unusual to spend twenty-eight minutes reporting on a doll, this reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really fascinating news, folks. Goodnight.
+Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night... or you can turn to another channel.
+Oh. Do not turn to another channel.
+Our one effort to put a stop to this Lisa Lionheart thing has failed miserably. Gentlemen, we have to reinvent Malibu Stacy for the nineties.
+We'll stay here all night if need be.
+Can we order Chinese food?
+I cut my tongue on these pancakes.
+These eggs are difficult to digest. I want soft-boiled eggs.
+I told you we don't have soft boiled eggs. If you -- ...By gum you're right, we should have 'em. I shouldn't be listening to complaints, I should be makin' 'em with you guys. The good Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom to find fault with everything he's made!
+Mr. Peterson, you can take this job and... fill it. And one more thing. I never once washed my hands - that's your policy, not mine.
+"You tell 'em, Abe."
+Oh, my back.
+I wannit! I wannit! I wannit! I wannit! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! I wannit! I wannit! I wannit!
+Look! It's Lisa Lionheart!
+Keep running! We're almost there!
+They changed Malibu Stacy!
+She is better than ever!
+Wait! Don't be fooled! She's just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid cheap hat! She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before.
+But she's got a new hat.
+I wannit! I wannit! etc.
+Well, I guess you can't beat big business. There's just no room for the little guy.
+Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.
+You know, if we get through to just that one little girl, it'll all be worth it.
+Yes. Particularly if that little girl happens to pay $46,000 for that doll.
+Oh, nothing. Kudos to you, Lisa! Kudos!
+Marge, Lisa, Lady -- If you'll excuse me, I've got something very important to attend to.
+Attention! All workers trudge immediately to the main yard for the mandatory Worker of the Week award festivities.
+Clean, clean, pistol, uzi, two kids posing as an adult...
+Hey, Homer.
+I hate these Worker of the Week award ceremonies.
+Who even cares anymore? Everyone that works here has already got one.
+Except forrrrr...
+Hello. Well, today's the day for Homer J. I know I'm gonna win this time.
+Yeah, how come?
+Union rule twenty-six - "Every employee must win worker of the week at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity, or rank odor."
+Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Mr. Burns.
+They'll clog the instruments!
+Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
+Huh? What? And by that I mean, of course, it's time for the Worker of the Week Award. I can't believe we've overlooked this week's winner for so very very long. We simply could not function without his tireless efforts. So, a round of applause for... this inanimate carbon rod.
+Inanimate huh? I'll show him inanimate!
+Stupid carbon rod. It's all just a popularity contest.
+Wow! Did you actually get to see the rod?
+I'm sorry, Homie.
+Nobody respects me at work.
+Well, we respect you.
+Bart, I told you, don't draw on your father's skull.
+What, what does it say? I want to see.
+Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me.
+Stupid...
+It's a lovely day for a launch here live at Cape Canaveral at the lower end of the Florida peninsula. And the purpose of today's mission is truly, really electrifying.
+That's correct, Tom. The lion share of this flight will be devoted to the study of the effects of weightlessness on tiny screws.
+Unbelievable! And just imagine the logistics of weightlessness. And of course this could have literally millions of applications here on Earth... in everything from watch making to watch repair.
+Boring.
+No, the batteries!
+Now let's look at the crew a little.
+They're a colorful bunch; they've been dubbed the "Three Musketeers."
+And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician.
+Make it stop!
+Oh no, not another boring space launch! Change the channel! Change the channel!
+I can't! I can't!
+Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever.
+Oh my God! We've been beaten by "A Connie Chung Christmas."
+People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.
+Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.
+No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.
+We need a fresh angle to get the public interested.
+The public see our astronauts as clean-cut, athletic go-getters. They hate people like that.
+Well who do they like?
+Well, here are the most popular personalities on televison or TV.
+I did it! I supercharged my riding mower.
+Oh no! I've killed Wilson. Looks like it's back to jail for me.
+Al, let's have sex.
+Uh, no Peg.
+Why, they're all a bunch of blue collar slobs.
+People, that's who we need for our next astronaut.
+I suggest a lengthy, inefficient search, at the tax payers expense, of course.
+God, I wish there was an easier way.
+Hello, is this NASA?
+Good. Listen, I'm sick of your boring space launches. Now I'm just an ordinary blue collar slob, but I know what I likes on TV...
+How did you get this number?
+Shut up. And another thing - how come I can't get no Tang 'round here? And also... hold on a second.
+People, our long search is over.
+Hello, is this President Clinton? Good. I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang it'd be you... shut up!
+Are you the person that called NASA yesterday?
+No. It wasn't me, I swear. It was... him.
+Sir, how would you like to get higher than you've ever been in your life?
+Be an astronaut? Sure.
+Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find that this will win you the respect of your family and friends.
+Respect?! Nooo! It was me! I made the crank call. I do it all the time. Check with the FBI, I have a file. I HAVE A FIIIIILE.
+Eh, better take both of them.
+I don't really think that was necessary. They wanted to be astronauts.
+I know.
+Ladies and gentlemen and members of the press, I'd like to present the new generation of NASA astronaut, the average American.
+Jim Wallace, Associated Press. Is this a joke?
+Far from it, Jim. One of these men will prove space travel is within the reach of the common man.
+Toby Hunter, Minneapolis Star. No, really. Is this a joke?
+No Toby. And no more questions about whether this is a joke.
+Uh... question for the barbecue chef: don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending under-qualified civilians into space?
+I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. ...Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty... That was our planet. You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell.
+Thank you, I'm afraid that's all we have time for.
+Now of course only one of you will be chosen to go into space, so the next few weeks will be a grueling series of tests to determine which one of you is most qualified.
+Oh, and Mr. Gumbel - for the duration of the training, there'll be no more beer.
+What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy?
+Careful, they're ruffled!
+I'll take care of this.
+And may the best man win. He's got a big drinking problem - could embarrass the program. Meet me up in that tree later and I'll tell you more.
+Wow! My father, an astronaut! I feel so full of... what's the opposite of shame?
+No, not that far from shame.
+Less shame?
+You know, Homer, when I found out about this I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.
+Who's doin' what now?
+Well here I am, right on time. I don't see Barney "Let's-crash-the-rocket-into-the-White-House-and-kill-the-President" Gumbel.
+Actually he's been here since sunrise.
+Hi Homer, since they made me stop drinking, I've regained my balance and diction. Observe.
+I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR GENERAL / I'VE INFORMATION VEGETABLE, ANIMAL, AND MINERAL.
+Aw, that's nothin'. Watch this. There once was a man from Nantucket
+I can't stands no more.
+Mmmmm. Mediciney.
+I wager 400 quatloos on the newcomer.
+Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the two experienced astronauts who will accompany the winner into space. Race Banyon and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon.
+Second comes right after first.
+So Barney, we hear you're kickin' ass.
+Ahem... I uh... don't think this contest is over yet, Buzz. If that is your real name. I believe there Is still a little something called the swimsuit competition.
+There's no swimsuit competition, Homer.
+You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?!
+Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard, and in a way you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney is the winner.
+Congratulations, Barney.
+That's very gracious of you, Homer. Please join us in a toast.
+To the mission.
+It begins.
+Gimme that! / Stop it, Barney no! / No! / Please! / For God sake! / Stop!
+Ta da da dum da do!
+I don't understand it. That was non-alcoholic champagne.
+Well, Homer. I guess you're the winner by default.
+Default? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language. De-fault! De-fault! De-
+Where'd you get that, anyway?
+Sent away.
+The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence and should not have been viewed by young children.
+Nooooo!
+Marge, I don't really want to go through with this... But being an astronaut is how I got you to respect me.
+Homer, when I met you, you weren't an astronaut. You didn't even know how to use a Touchtone. But I still respected you, and I always will, no matter what.
+Homer, you already dialed.
+But on the other hand, when you don't take advantage of an opportunity, you can end up regretting it for the rest of your life.
+SUBTITLE: PROTECT THE QUEEN!
+SUBTITLE: WHICH ONE'S THE QUEEN?
+SUBTITLE: I'M THE QUEEN.
+SUBTITLE: NO YOU'RE NOT.
+You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could've met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, I'll go a little later, I'll go a little later.' And then when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never gonna let something like that happen again. I'm going into space, right now.
+Oh, I am so proud of you. And I know it's going to go just fine...
+T-minus three minutes 'til lift off and counting.
+Mission control, this is Corvair, launch sequence initiated. All systems go.
+Are we there yet? I'm thirsty.
+Mission Control, request permission to sedate cargo ahead of schedule.
+Permission denied.
+Payload checklist. IRS surveillance satellite.
+Ant farm.
+Children's letters to God.
+Three, two, one, make rocket go now.
+Go, Dad! Go!
+How doth the hero, strong and brave, a celestial path in the heavens pave!
+Go, Dad, go.
+Sir, the TV ratings for the launch are the highest in ten years.
+And how's the spacecraft doing?
+I don't know. All this equipment is just used to measure TV ratings.
+It's beautiful. It's the most awe inspiring sight I have ever seen.
+... giver of life, mother of us all.
+Hey guys, look what I smuggled aboard.
+Homer, no!
+You fool, now we may never know if ants can be trained to sort tiny screws in space.
+Some good news, gentlemen, we have quite a treat for ya. We've been able to coax superstar James Taylor in here at mission control to wish you well and play a little of his own brand of laid back adult contemporary music.
+Wow! Former president James Taylor.
+How ya doin', fellas?
+With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand.
+Listen, Aldrin, I'm not as laid back as people think. Now here's the deal: I'm gonna play and you're gonna float there and like it.
+WHEN YOU'RE DOWN AND TROUBLED AND YOU NEED A HELPING HAND.../ AND NOTHING, OH NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT...
+We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with "Average-naut" Homer Simpson. And we'd like to...
+Ladies and gentlemen, we've just lost the picture, but uh, what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, conquered, if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
+Don't worry, kids, I'm sure your father's all right.
+What are you basing that on, Mom?
+Who wants ginger snaps?
+HOURS OF TIME ON THE TELEPHONE LINE / TALKIN' 'BOUT THINGS TO COME. / SWEET DREAMS, AND FLYING MACHINES, IN PIECES ON THE GROUND... UM... SWEET DREAMS AND FLYING MACHINES FLYING SAFELY THROUGH THE AIR. / I'VE SEEN FIRE AND I'VE SEEN RAIN...
+Oh my God! The ants are shorting out our navigation system!
+Ants, huh? We had quite a severe ant problem at the Vineyard this year. I had Art Garfunkel come by with his compressor and we created a total vacuum outside the house and we blew the ants out the front door. But I'm sure you high-tech NASA people could care less about our resort town ways.
+Quiet, you.
+Wait a minute, this unkempt youngster just might be on to something.
+Okay, everybody grab on to something.
+All right, here we go: three, two, one, make hatch blow...now!
+And that is that.
+Oh my God! This is a disaster.
+Gotta go!
+Homer, you broke the handle.
+With that hatch open, we'll burn up on reentry. That's it! If I go, I'm taking you to hell with me.
+Wait a minute Race! Wait a minute. Wait!...Ah-ha! Now I'll bust that pretty face of yours.
+Stupid bar.
+Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to earth.
+I'll bash you good.
+Well, this reporter was possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now. Hmm? Oh, yeAH...
+By the way, the spacecraft is still in extreme danger. May not make it back. Attempting risky reentry... Blah blah blah blah blah. We'll see you after the movie.
+OH, THOSE GOLDEN GRAHAMS/ OH, THOSE GOLDEN GRAHAMS/ CRISPY CRUNCHY GRAHAM CEREAL BRAND NEW BREAKFAST TREAT.
+Come on, Dad, you can make it.
+Of course he'll make it. It's TV.
+How'd you solve the door dilemma?
+Homer Simpson was the real hero here. He jury-rigged the door closed using this.
+Hey, what is that?
+It's an inanimate carbon rod.
+Aww, they were just about to show some close-ups of the rod.
+Stupid rod. I got gypped.
+Homie, you should be proud. Only a handful of people have done what you've done.
+Yeah, Dad. How many people have seen the ice caps and the deserts all at once, or the majesty of the northern lights from one hundred miles above?
+Yeah, maybe I do have the right... what's that stuff? Anyway, thanks, Marge, Lisa.
+Bart, do you have something nice to say to your father?
+Eh, he knows how I feel.
+Tonight on "Eye on Springfield": just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army. But a more alarmist name would be... the Kill-bot Factory.
+But first, Springfield has come down with a fever. Football fever, brought on by the biggest game of the year, the Pigskin Classic between the Shelbyville Sharks and our own Springfield Atoms.
+If you have the fever there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.
+Warning: Tickets should not be taken internally.
+See because of me, now they have a warning.
+Hey, Dad... sell you these for fifty bucks.
+Woo hoo! Sold!
+Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.
+What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center." Why you little... Hmmm... Free wig.
+I love you, Homey. Heh, heh, heh. I don't need her at all anymore.
+Heh-heh-heh, I did it. Second in line and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
+Personally, I think I'm overdone.
+With the money you would have made working, you could've bought tickets from a scalper.
+In theory, yes. Jerk.
+Give me uh, thirty-thousand tickets.
+That'll be nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars, please.
+Look, the thing about that is, I only got ten dollars on me. Can I pay you the rest later?
+That was Bobby McFerrin's new one, "I'm Worried, Need Money!" Okay, if you want two tickets to the big Pigskin Classic just get to a phone and be our thirteenth caller!
+Get tickets. Must get tickets. Find phone. Yes!
+Oh stupid sheep.
+Still waiting for that caller.
+Oh, we have a winner! What's your name, sir?
+Ned Flanders...
+Not Flanders. Anybody, but Flanders.
+Oh golly, if that doesn't put the shaz in shazam. Oh listen, what's the cash value of those tickets so I can report it on my income tax?
+I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE / WON'T YOU PACK YOUR BAGS TO LEAVE TONIGHT /
+I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE / I'VE GOT TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE...
+Excellent guitar riff.
+Why am I such a loser? Why?
+Well, your father was a loser. And his father. And his father. It's genetic, man.
+What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini mall so we built a bigger mini mall. They made the world's largest pizza so we burnt down their city hall.
+Heh, heh, heh. Yeah they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts.
+Oooh, the walls are melting again.
+God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
+Hidilly ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tic...
+Why do you mock me, oh Lord?
+Homer, that's not God, that's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
+I know I shouldn't eat thee but... Mmmm... sacri-licious.
+Are you planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe and take his tickets?
+Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you.
+Well, get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink! Oh, what's with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'?
+Well, yeah.
+Duck! I can't let the boys see me with you!
+Hey look, Homer's got one of those robot cars.
+One of those American robot cars.
+Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.
+Well I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.
+Wow, these are amazing seats, huh Homer?
+Hey everybody, here comes fun!
+Heh heh. Ow.
+I'll take two dogs, two sodas and uh two ice cream bars.
+What the hell happened to my dogs? I want answers.
+Well, I guess I should pay my share...
+Relax, Homer, I keep tellin' ya, you're my guest.
+Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat. Thanks, Ned.
+NACHO, NACHO MAN / I WANT TO BE A NACHO MAN.
+If anyone can pull it off, it's Stan "The Boy" Taylor.
+Stan, Stan, he's our boy, if he can't do it, no one ...will.
+We won! We won! Flanders, we won!
+Heh-heh, yeah.
+Losers! Losers! Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville!
+I am invincible! Invincible!
+Hey, somebody sign an autograph. Please, somebody!? Sign an autograph. Hey, would you sign... You fat, stupid jerks!
+It was him!
+Ned? Is that...? Ned Flanders?
+Hidilly ho, Stanster.
+You know Stan Taylor?
+Know me? Ned Flanders saved me. I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models, until Ned and his Bible group showed me that I could have more.
+Professional athletes. Always wantin' more.
+Ned, they gave me the game ball. I want you to have it.
+Stan, tell you what -- Homer Simpson here is just about the biggest Atom fan that's ever graced God's green earth. I bet he'd enjoy it, even more than me.
+Sure. Anything for Neddie. Here you go.
+Wow, thanks. Now I have four children. You will be called "Stitch-face." Wow, Flanders, this is about the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
+Ooo, I guess it's time for me to duck again.
+No! I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders... my friend!
+What'd he say?
+I dunno. Somethin' about being gay.
+Homer, that's our wedding photo.
+Marge, quit livin' in the past.
+Heydilly ho, window buddy. Just wonderin' if you'd like to come over and give the new pool table a whirl.
+I'll be there. And this time you can be the nacho man.
+Dad and Ned Flanders friends? What's next... "A's" on Bart's report card?
+Uh, be careful there, Homer. That is sort of a new table.
+Watch this, Ned. They don't call me Springfield Fats just because I'm morbidly obese.
+Now you got a law suit on your hands. Just kidding.
+What's wrong, Jeremiah?
+It's not fair. My brother Joseph has a sin to confess. I wish I had one too.
+Oh don't you see? You do have a sin to confess - the sin of envy.
+That's all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do?
+Boring. Let's watch something else.
+Now, boys, Mr. Simpson is the guest. He gets to decide what to watch.
+Hey what gives? I thought you had a satellite dish.
+Sure didilly do. Over two hundred and thirty channels locked out.
+Okay, boys, time for bed. Say good night.
+Good night, Daddy. Good night, Uncle Homer.
+Aw, Uncle Homer. Ned, since you've let me spend time with your family, I want you to get to know my family.
+Hey everyone!
+I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders, my best friend.
+Hey, I don't want no people in here with their evils of alcohol rap.
+Wait a second. You're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children.
+... And truly she was my friend Flicka.
+If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.
+Honey, I'm so glad you're home--
+Can't talk... see Flanders... later sex.
+...Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middlemen who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys over at the slaughter house.
+Hiya, Flanders! Oooh... dinner! May I join you?
+Homer, I-I'd love to chitty-chat, but tonight's the night I do my charity work.
+Oh, yeah. A judge made me do that once, too. Stupid lack of public urinals. Hey, just so you don't have to suffer alone, I'm comin' with ya.
+Oh... well... that sounds super duper.
+Oh, you poor, unfortunate man. Let's get you out of those clothes immediately. And we'll do whatever we can about the smell.
+But... all right.
+C'mon! We've been here for fifteen minutes. Can't you see they're sucking the life out of us?
+Homer, maybe you'd have had more fun at Moe's tonight.
+Ah, for some reason, Moe's is always closed on Wednesdays.
+...And then they realized they were no longer little girls, they were little women.
+Come on, come on, just give 'em the slop and lets get out of here. Oh, I can do it faster that that.
+Wow! Look at that enthusiasm! This is front page material!
+Homey, I'm very proud of you, but don't you think you're spending too much time with Ned? Your family needs you too.
+Oh of course you'd say something like that, Marge. You've hated Ned for years. In fact, you wanted to bash his head in with a pipe.
+That was you!
+Love, Marge. Don't hate. Love.
+The Flanders are a buncha geeks, man.
+Sometimes to keep from hurting someone's feelings, we have to say things that aren't exactly...
+The Flanderses are not geeks! Okay, Rod and Todd are... and the wife has a thing for me, but she hides it behind a mask of low key hostility. But we've got to give this thing a chance. I want the two families to take a trip together this weekend.
+No way, José !
+Yes way.
+Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make an occasional smart-alec quip and by next week we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.
+Ay caramba!
+That's the spirit.
+Don't worry, I brought my Rappin' Ronnie Reagan tape. It always makes the trip go faster.
+WELL\WELL\WELL...W-W-W-WELL\WELL\WELL...
+Ha, ha. You know something, he did say 'well' a lot.
+WELL\WELL\WELL\ W-W-W-\WELL\ WELL\WELL\WELL\WELL\WELL
+More. No, no, keep comin'. More... more... right there! Let her go!
+Okay, let's go boating!
+How are my boys doin', Homer?
+They're fine.
+There. I hope the children enjoy my special fruit punch.
+We got the recipe from the Fruit Punch Advisory Board.
+Oh gosh, I'm sorry, our boys don't eat sugar.
+But, why would the Advisory Board give us bad advice?
+No sugar!
+Thank you, but we're not allowed.
+Aw it's okay, there's no sugar in pixie sticks. Trust me.
+Don't hog it all, smellyhead!
+Go to hell, zit face!
+Lies made baby Jesus cry.
+I'd like to propose a toast to the coming together of the Simpsons and the Flanders. If this were a more perfect world, we'd all be known as the Flimpsons.
+So, here's to my best friend, Ned.
+Eh, well sir. My entire family is very touched and--
+Food fight!
+Whatcha doin'?
+We're headin' back. Todd's got Zesty Italian in his eye.
+Okay. But at least let me take the boat out for one last spin!
+Oh, I don't know...
+Too late.
+Oh Lord, please give me the strength to endure Homer Simpson's friendship.
+Humph, your car. Boy, what are the odds, huh?
+Cheers to Homer Simpson for all his recent charity work.
+Jeers to this rusty tailgate.
+There's Homer. There's Homer too. That's also Homer. That's Homer.
+What's the matter, Ned?
+I -- I think I hate Homer Simpson.
+Marge! I think I hate Ted Koppel. No wait, I find him informative and witty. 'Nite.
+Off the rim!
+Oh! Almost. Boy that was close.
+Hey, what's up for today, Neddie?
+Ah, uh, Homer, we're gonna visit the boys' grandmother. Family only. You know?
+Right, no reporters.
+No, I-I mean just the Flanders family.
+O-okay.
+Oh boy! Gramma!
+We're not going anywhere.
+But you said.
+Neddie, Neddie... Let's get in a quick nine down at the pitch and putt.
+Neddie? NEDDDDIEEE!
+He's gaining on us!
+I'm scared!
+C'mon Ned! Move this thing!
+I can't, it's a Geo!
+Hmmm. Guess he didn't see me.
+We did it, we got rid of...
+I told you, officer. I'm not "hepped up" on "goof balls."
+Yeah right.
+Ned Flanders, I never would have imagined.
+High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs--
+Where's your messiah now, Flanders?
+I can't do it, Maude. I can't face their accusing eyes.
+Oh don't worry, Ned, this is a house of love and forgiveness.
+There he is, Ned Flanders.
+The fallen one.
+The evil one.
+I'll bet he's the one who wrote "Homer" all over the bathroom.
+I think we should leave.
+Hey Flanders, over here. I got us some kick-ass seats.
+Before I get started on today's sermon entitled , "What Ned Did," I'd like to publicly congratulate Homer Simpson on his recent charity work.
+I live to give.
+That's beautiful. We appreciate the kisses. Now, let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of thanksgiving.
+Stop it! Breathe through your damn mouth!
+Oh can't you see this man isn't a hero! He's annoying. He's very, very annoying!
+Well Ned Flanders is just jealous!
+Aw, the guy's hepped up on "goof balls!"
+Let's sacrifice him to our god! C'mon, we did it all the time in the thirties.
+Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! How dare you talk about Ned Flanders like that! He's a wonderful, kind, caring man. Maybe even more so than me. There have been times when I've lost patience with him, even lashed out at him. But this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for heaven. We'd already be there.
+Um... Well I think we all owe Ned a heartfelt apology. We were wrong to doubt him.
+Hey, that guy's right!
+That was a very nice thing you did, Homey.
+Thank you. Thank you so much, Homer. You really are a you're a true friend.
+Right back atcha, buddy.
+Now how 'bout that game at the Pitch 'n Putt?
+Just try and stop me.
+I don't get it, Lis. You said everything would be back to normal, but Homer and Flanders are still friends.
+Yeah. Maybe this means the end of our wacky adventures.
+Guess what, everyone?! My great uncle Boris died and left us his old country house. There's only one catch they say - it's haunted. But I'm sure we can prove him wrong by spending the weekend there.
+Hi-diddly ho, neighbor.
+Get lost, Flanders.
+Okilly-dokilly.
+See, I told ya. There's nothin' to worry about. This place isn't...
+Sandwich.
+Underpants.
+Bowling ball... more underpants...
+Hi, Mom.
+Hi, Mom.
+After breakfast me and Milhouse are goin' down to the ravine. We got a tip from a six year old that there's a dead Martian down there.
+And I'm going to the park to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?
+Make me.
+Eeeeeee!!
+I'd love to honey, but Daddy has to go to a beer drinking contest today.
+Think you'll win?
+Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.
+Gotcha. Well, gotta go.
+Me too.
+Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom.
+Push her down, son.
+No one's going anywhere. We're going to clean the whole house from top to bottom.
+Oh dear God, no.
+I think you'll find that escape is impossible. Now each one of you take a floor and get started.
+I call the basement.
+I'm tired. I'm hungry. Can't we just buy a new house?
+Oh Bart. Cleaning doesn't have to be a chore. Here... work to the music.
+YOU LOAD SIXTEEN TONS/ WHADDAYA GET/ ANOTHER DAY OLDER AND DEEPER IN DEBT...
+Amen, Ernie.
+All done.
+You're not done. I want you to throw away these old calendars and TV Guides.
+Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure it's not nineteen eighty-five right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides... so many memories.
+"Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter." Ooooh, I'll never forget that episode!
+Shazam!
+Shazam!
+Shazam!
+Shazam.
+Stop remembering TV and get back to work.
+What's the point of all this cleaning? Are we so vain?
+Hey Clinton, get back to work!
+They're having a great time and I'm stuck in here.
+Wah-wah.
+Use only in a well ventilated area.
+Shove it, buddy.
+I - must - destroy - you!
+Homer, what's going on down there?
+Nothing.
+Then stop screaming so loud.
+And that was "Take this job and shove it." Now let's make another one of our lucky phone calls.
+Okay, just answer the phone with THE SPECIAL PHRASE THAT PAYS and you'll have your choice of ten thousand dollars in cash.
+Or a really stupid prize.
+Well, let's make that call.
+KBBL is gonna give me something stupid!
+Bart, I'm having palpitations.
+Can't tie up the line, Grampa.
+There! Isn't that a lot better? Now you can do whatever you want. But don't mess up the house.
+We won't.
+And now let's try another lucky phone call.
+Help! Help us! They stole our uniforms, guns and tasers!
+Fry, Piggy.
+No! No! No, don't! A little to the left... Ah. That's the stuff.
+Oh, I'm sorry. The phrase is "KBBL is gonna give me something stupid."
+Pret-ty wee-ird!
+Let's try one more number.
+Y'ello.
+KBBL is gonna give me something stupid!
+Well, hot dog! We have a "wiener"!
+Y'ello?
+I won! I won!
+Where's my elephant?!
+You win your choice of ten thousand dollars or - what's our gag prize this week, Bill? - a full grown African elephant!
+Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty. But I think I'm gonna have to go with the elephant.
+He's taking the elephant instead of the money.
+The kid wants the elephant.
+We don't have a damn elephant!
+Don't whisper into the Mic.
+Kid, the elephant's a gag prize. Nobody takes the gag prize. You want the cash.
+I want the elephant.
+Heh, heh. Stick it to the man. No, wait!
+We'll call you back! Bart! With ten thousand dollars we'd be millionaires. We could buy all kinds of useful things, like... ... love.
+Or double-ply windows! They look just like regular windows but they'll save us four percent on our heating bill...
+Well, they will.
+You all seem to be forgetting the most important thing. Which is that it's wrong to imprison an animal.
+Lisa, go to your room.
+We appreciate you coming down but, look kid, the thing is, uh we don't have an elephant.
+Come on, kid, just take the money, huh? Otherwise we might get fired. You don't want us to get fired, do you?
+Eh, either way.
+We think we know how your mind works, Bart. So how 'bout this; we pay your principal ten thousand dollars to pull down his pants and keep 'em down for the rest of the school year.
+I'll do it, Bart.
+Umm... No.
+Okay, okay. What if we use the ten thousand to surgically transform Skinner here into some kind of a lobster-like creature?
+Now wait just a minute. That wasn't discussed with me.
+Uh, gentlemen, I am not leaving without my elephant.
+Where's my elephant!
+Where's my elephant!
+Where's my elephant?!
+Hey, they're playing the elephant song.
+I love that. It reminds me of elephants.
+So isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives? Where's my elephant? I know that's what I've been asking.
+Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped with angry calls and letter bombs.
+And it's all your fault.
+Yes it is, Ma'am.
+This is the DJ3000. It plays CDs automatically, and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter.
+Hey, hey, how about that weather out there?... Whoa, that was the caller from hell... Well hot dog! We have a wiener...
+Man, that thing's great.
+Don't - praise - the - machine.
+If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the DJ3000 gets your job.
+Looks like those clowns in congress did it again! What a bunch of clowns.
+How's he keep up with the news like that?
+Homer, it looks like it could gore.
+Heh, heh, it does look like Al Gore.
+He smells worse than anything! Hey, you! Elephant! Lift me up on your back, man.
+Bart!!!
+Cool! He tried to kill me!
+I really think this is a bad idea.
+Marge, I agree with you, in theory. In theory Communism works. In theory.
+Look, he thinks he's people.
+I think I'm gonna call him Stampy.
+What's he yelling about?
+He's hungry. Here you go, Stampy. Eat it slow. It has to last for...
+You ate it too fast.
+Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so hungry.
+You can't do that, Dad. It's cruel.
+Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel.
+Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo and a giant sloth.
+I think you're taking unfair advantage of my generous offer.
+Shut up.
+He can't just eat peanuts, Dad. He needs plants to live.
+Plants, eh?
+Strip the bark now, Stampy.
+Hey, any more arboretums around here?
+That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him!
+No, Dad. He's grooming him.
+Grooming him, eh?
+Ew, Homer, there is a bird on your head?
+I know. He's grooming me. Mmm... elephant fresh.
+G'night, Stampy.
+Thanks, bud. 'Preciate it.
+Taught Stampy any tricks yet, Bart?
+Nah. He doesn't want to learn and I don't want to teach him. We get along fine.
+Hey, what's with them?
+I think they're trying to get some attention.
+Oh. Good luck. Look at these bills. "Chain for elephant," "Shots for elephant"... "Oversized decorative poncho".
+Technically, it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little.
+Well these bills'll have to be paid out of your allowance.
+You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
+Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.
+Can we see the elephant?
+We'll pay you money.
+For the ninth time, no!
+Wait a minute, this gives me an idea.
+Uh, here's a better sign, Dad.
+I don't have time to read. Just give me the gist of it, son.
+Your kid flew five feet. That counts as a ride. Two bucks.
+Well, that was never five feet.
+That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
+Yeah well, you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
+Hey, Maw. Look at that pointy-haired little girl.
+You guys don't understand Stampy. He's just like me. We're a pair of jokers and both of us are wild. We don't take nothin' from nobody.
+Smithers, this reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work.
+Look at this, Marge! Fifty-eight dollars! And all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world!
+Stampy's food bill today was three hundred dollars.
+Marge, please don't humiliate me in front of the money.
+Um, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once. Right?
+Yes. But we paid you four dollars.
+Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of seven hundred dollars. Now, you've already paid me four dollars, so that's just six hundred and ninety-six dollars more that you owe me.
+Get off our property.
+This town is full of deadbeats. We can't afford this elephant.
+No, Dad, he's my friend!
+Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna have to sell him.
+Well sir, I'll be honest with you. I need a large African elephant. And I need it today. But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm lookin' for.
+What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it?
+Well it is and it isn't, if you understand what I mean.
+He likes peanuts.
+Our wildlife refuge is the ideal environment for your elephant. Thousands of acres of simulated African Savannah.
+It's perfect, Dad.
+I only have two questions. How much, and give it to me.
+Well we really can't offer you any money. We're a non-profit organization.
+So, your bid is zero.
+Well, we like to think of it as --
+Thank you.
+You know I really think --
+Thank you.
+Simpson, I think you'll find this amount more than fair.
+Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer. His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that check is ivory.
+Lisa, a guy who has lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
+Mr. Blackheart?
+Yes, my pretty?
+Are you an ivory dealer?
+Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day. Whale hunter, seal clubber, President of the Fox Network. And like most people, yeah I've dealt a little ivory.
+Dad, you can't do this. Stampy is my friend.
+Don't worry, son. I'll get you a new elephant.
+I'll take that one, too.
+All right, I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy.
+Here's the keys.
+Elephants don't have keys.
+I'll just keep these then.
+Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer.
+You and I are gonna run away together. We'll keep to the back roads, and make our way South. Then, if I know my geography, it's just twelve miles to Africa. Okay bud, very quietly, let's just sneak through...
+Stampy!
+It's the Four Elephants of the Apocalypse!
+That's horsemen, Ned.
+Well, gettin' closer.
+Mom! Dad! Bart and Stampy are gone!
+Oh my Lord!
+I'll bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, Dad.
+He took Bart too?
+That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't PAAAAART!!
+Piece of cake. All we have to do is follow the path of destruction.
+Stupid tornado. look. It got Patty and Selma.
+Ooh, I fell it all the way up my skirt.
+Yeah right, lady. An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.
+Wiggum? Yeah right, mister. Mm hm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.
+Wiggum? Yeah right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure, and I'm Edward G. Robinson.
+Elephant, honey. It's an elephant. And I'm sure he'll make a grand piano.
+Oh! This is the moment we've feared, people. Many of you thought it would never happen. But I insisted we spend two hours every morning training for it. You all thought I was mad. Many of you requested to be transferred to another peanut factory. But now...
+Stampy! Stampy! Where are you, boy?
+These prehistoric creatures blundered into the tar pits, which preserved their skeletons in showroom condition.
+He's gone forever.
+Stampy!
+Ahhh. You're lonely for other elephants, aren't you?
+A deer!
+A female deer.
+Son, you're okay! And you've led us to the precious ivory. And of course your lovable pet, who it's connected to...
+Dad, I can't let you sell him. Stampy and I are friends.
+Ow. Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge.
+Forget it. That elephant cost me thousands of dollars.
+Dad, how would you like to be sold to an ivory dealer?
+I'd like it fine.
+Even if he killed you and made your teeth into piano keys?
+Yes, of course I would. Who wouldn't like that? To be part of the Music Scene...
+Dad! You're sinking!
+Get a rope, Bart!
+Nah, that's okay. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out.
+Now I'll pull my arms out with my face...
+Stampy, quick! Pull him out!
+Thanks, Stampy.
+I'm alive! I'm alive. And I owe it all to this feisty feline.
+Dad, feline means cat.
+Oh, I guess it wouldn't be right to sell Stampy after he saved my life. And, the boy seems to have some sort of relationship with him.
+Thanks, Dad.
+On the other hand, who's to say what's right these days... what with all our modern ideas... and products.
+All right. We'll give the stupid elephant to the stupid animal refuge.
+Uh, Mom. We're stuck to Dad.
+This is just what happened at the caramel factory.
+Ow! My hair!
+Mmm. Caramel.
+So long Stampy. I know you're gonna like it here.
+No, Stampy. No!
+Ah, thanks, boy.
+Whoa! Whoa, boy!
+Atta boy, Stampy. Butt 'em once for me!
+Gosh, I thought he'd be happier in his true habitat.
+Oh, I think he is.
+Then why is he attacking all those other elephants?
+Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.
+Lousy job. Nothing exciting ever happens.
+Congratulations Homer Simpson! You've just won the employee raffle!
+Woo hoo! What do I get?
+The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day!
+Woo hoo!
+Hey, this isn't such a great prize. Oh, well, this may be a dirty job, but the big guys at the top work even harder.
+Will five o'clock never come?
+Careful, Smithers, that sponge has corners you know.
+I'll go find a spherical one.
+Help, Smithers! I'm sinking! I'm sinking! Life... flashing... before...eyes.
+You fired!
+All right, we're finally gonna stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste.
+Oh no, our boat is sinking.
+It was I, you fools! The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all!
+And all this time I've been smoking harmless tobacco.
+I got a mink shammy, sir. I hope that... Oh my god, Mr. Burns is dead! Why do the good always die so young?!
+You almost killed me!
+Please... sir! You'll catch cold.
+Smithers, do you realize, if I had died there would be no one to carry on my legacy? Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm, I never fathered an heir. Now I have no one to leave my enormous fortune to. No one.
+You, Smithers? Oh no, my dear friend, I've planned a far greater reward for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me.
+Oh... goody.
+Turn it up! Turn it up!
+Hello, I am Montgomery Burns.
+Now then, I'm looking for a suitable young, male heir to leave my fortune to when I pass away. My vast, vast, vast fortune. Vast.
+Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate. And now, our feature presentation.
+Oh for... Oh, very well.
+LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, GET OURSELVES SOME SNACKS....
+Now what are the two things? Enunciate and energate.
+I know, Mother.
+I have nothing to offer you but my love.
+I specifically said "No geeks!"
+But my mom says I'm cool.
+Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in.
+Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the call back list.
+CLANG, CLANG, CLANG WENT THE TROLLEY / RING, RING, RING WENT THE BELL / ZING, ZING, ZING WENT MY HEARTSTRINGS...
+Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
+I propose to you that your heir need not be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours...
+I don't know what "phallocentric" means, but no girls.
+So much for Plan B.
+That's it, boy. You're our last hope.
+I just don't want to be here, Dad. Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.
+Bart, this isn't the kind of thing I normally would think was a good idea, but you wouldn't have to live with Mr. Burns, you'd just get all of his money someday. This could provide for your entire future.
+Congratulations, you've just graduated from the most expensive and therefore best school there is.
+Hello, Marge, I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me?
+Uh, sure.
+I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors. Ah, one more.
+Okay, boy, I wrote down exactly what to say. Just read it and you're a shoo-in.
+Hello, Mr... Kurns? I bad want... money now. Me sick.
+Oooh. He card reads good.
+So pick, please, me... Mr. Burns.
+It's KURNS, stupid!
+No it's not.
+Disregard.
+Oh, he's the worst yet! That's it! Everyone out! Except you! One step to the left.
+Excellent.
+The boot kicked Bart. It kicked him right in the butt.
+I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say?
+There sure is. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Right in the butt. That was great.
+It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave all my money to the Egg Advisory Council. Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers.
+Ooh look, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
+I think it's a rock, sir.
+Well, we'll see what the lab has to say about that.
+Why that rapscallion is breaking all my windows.
+Look Smithers, a creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat.
+You there, boy! What day is this?
+Today? Sir, why it's Christmas day.
+I was talking to him. You, what day is this?
+I'll tell you what day it is. Today is the day you become my heir!
+Ooh, I like him a lot.
+Just sign here and your son will stand to inherit my entire estate.
+Woo hoo! We're rich! Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows. We want to get the old people smell out before we move in.
+Dad, Mr. Burns hasn't passed away yet.
+Huh? Oh, right. So I guess you're in okay shape, huh? No heart problems or anything...
+Well, I --
+I'm okay.
+Oh, yeah. So good...
+That explains his mysterious trip to Holland.
+Now that you've all agreed to reap the windfall of my death, I must return to my large empty mansion to rattle around and await the inevitable... alone.
+Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
+Yeah, let's push him down the steps.
+No. You know, Bart, since he is giving you all of his money, maybe it would be nice if you spend some time with him.
+Well...
+C'mon, honey.
+All right.
+How come Bart gets to do that and I can't spend one night lurking in the bushes outside Chef Boyardee's house?
+Bart, I know you children see me as some sort of "booger man," but I'm really not such a bad "dude." Oh, your milk's gone cold. I'll ring for the maid.
+Sorry. Wrong button.
+Um, uh, I think I'd like to go home.
+Aw, if you stay you can have anything you want to eat, even some sort of gelatin dish. It's made from hooves, you know.
+Anything, huh? Okay... I want pizza, and I want it delivered by Krusty the Clown.
+Hey, it's Krusty the pizza man! -- All right, where's my four hundred bucks?
+Hey, wait! How can you be here when your show's on live?
+Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference.
+Children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded! I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded.
+The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.
+This is my pride and joy. I've had hidden cameras planted in every home in Springfield. I got the idea from that movie "Sliver." What a delightful romp!
+Are you talkin' to me? There's no one else here. You must be talkin' to me.
+Well that was an antique. Crap.
+...And I had the greatest time. Mr. Burns' house has everything - a hedge maze, a moat, bleached hardwood floors, and a bottomless pit.
+It couldn't possibly be bottomless.
+Well, for all intents and purposes.
+Hey Mom, Bart's throwing peas.
+Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.
+Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers.
+Ow! That was a big one.
+Homer, say something.
+Okay. Lisa quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.
+Oh yuck, meatloaf! My most hated of all loafs.
+That was the end piece. That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog. Go to your room!
+No! This family stinks. Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.
+Bart, you listen.
+Oh, go eat some flowers.
+My secret shame.
+Smithers, my plan worked perfectly. Bart Simpson will live here as my son, and I will mold him in my own graven image. Who knows, I may even grow to love him. Bartholomew!
+Ugh! Smithers get it off me.
+Bart, you're coming home.
+I want to stay here with Mr. Burns.
+I suggest you leave immediately.
+Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead, do your worst.
+He locked the door! I'll show him.
+I'm very concerned. Mr. Burns has stolen our son and he won't give him back.
+Oh for gosh, can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean we can't be uh "Policing" the whole city.
+Damn clogs. Well you good folks can rest easy now because you've come to the very best in legal representation.
+Uh, excuse me, is there an Orange Julius stand on this floor?
+I'll sell you this one. It's almost full.
+Well why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl?
+He'll be back. And as for your case - don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
+This court rules in favor of Montgomery Burns. I find that he is clearly the boy's biological father.
+Uh, judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.
+You know we should really stop hiring him.
+Cool train. Where's it go?
+Beats me. But it won't be back for three hours and forty minutes. Once it had snow on it.
+Wow, Bart! Mr. Burns gives you everything you could ever want. My parents use that old love excuse to screw me out of toys. Well, I'm sure you'd like to be alone with your possessions.
+Uh, Milhouse, if you stay a little while longer, you can have this blazer. It's a Bob Mackie original.
+Wow, a Bob Mackie! ...Sorry, Bart.
+Bartholomew, you don't need him. I can be your schoolyard chum!
+Five, twenty-three skidoo! Hut! Hut!
+For me? But I don't know how to drive.
+Oh, pish posh. There's a jaws of life in the trunk.
+That was some ride.
+You're telling me.
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
+Are you sure you can get him back for us?
+Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
+What about Peter Fonda?
+That was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of "Wings."
+You idiot! He was the most talented one!
+You do not love Mr. Burns. You love Homer and Marge! You are their son!
+What you are doing is wrong... wrong... wrong!
+Do you mind? You're killing the romance in here.
+Well, it was a grueling two weeks but you have your son back.
+Mom, Dad, I missed you.
+Homer, that's Hans Moleman.
+Can I keep him anyway? Huh, huh?
+That was delightful! Did you see that? That mouse butchered that cat like a hog! Is all TV this wonderful?
+Um, I'd kind of like to go home now.
+Like a hog! Heh? What? What was that?
+Mr. Burns, I don't want to seem ungrateful. But, I want to go home to my family.
+I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this, but... I'm afraid your family doesn't want you back.
+I do not miss Bart at all.
+I am glad he's gone.
+As am I.
+It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
+Really? Excuse me for just a moment.
+People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh!" he says... "D'oh!"
+Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment like "Rainman," or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the Hell am I doing here?
+And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown."
+Hey, ya know, we're getting into golden-time here.
+Yes, well, just get it right or you'll all be back doing "Come Blow your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater!
+All right then, let's see what the old Simpson family is up to now.
+That's them all right. I can't believe it. I guess you're the only one I can trust...
+... Dad.
+That rib always breaks.
+Lisa, what are you doing?
+Just trying to fill the void of random, meaningless destruction that Bart's absence has left in our hearts.
+That's sweet, honey.
+It's a little tight.
+Yes, that's to correct your posture. Soon you'll have a mighty hump.
+Now, you really are my son. This calls for a celebration. Let's fire some employees.
+Excellent.
+Okay, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you, without using the letter "E," you can keep your job.
+Uh, okay... um... I'm a good... work... guy.
+You're fired.
+But I didn't say --
+You will.
+Eeeeeeeeeeeee!!
+Let me try one.
+Hey, the trail of donuts ended. Bart!
+Huh! What a coincidence. And a perfect opportunity for you to prove your loyalty. Go ahead Bartholomew. You may fire when ready.
+Hurry! Fire him now or I'll disown you. You'll lose everything. The fabulous toys, a lifetime of wealth and luxury, the gift certificate from Blockbuster Video, the freedom to do whatever you want.
+I'll miss you, son.
+I'm sorry, Dad... You're fired!
+What? Fire me? That does it, you can never be my son...
+A little to the left.
+Huh? Oh, very well. You can never be my...
+Sir, try to land on Leonard's carcass!
+Son, I know you're upset because you thought you saw us on TV saying we didn't want you in our family. But those were just actors playing us.
+How do you know?
+Because one of them hung out with me for a week trying to get my character down.
+Yeah, me too. That midget taught me a lot about his native Estonia.
+The point is the real Simpson family missed you a lot and we're really glad you're home.
+I love you guys.
+Right back atcha, son. Aw.
+And now I want you to meet your new brother, Hans Moleman.
+Cowabunga, dudes.
+Give it a try. It's like kissing a peanut. Heh, heh, heh.
+Homer, I want that thing out of my house.
+They're gonna eat this up at Show and Tell.
+I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if, twenty years from now, people were laughing at things you did?
+Not likely. C'mon, have a sense of humor about yourself!
+I'm a big boy today.
+Argh! I gotta find something else quick!
+Why don't you bring this potato? It's pretty big.
+Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you?
+I just think they're neat.
+I need something for Show and Tell.
+Just take one of my geodes. The rocks on my desk.
+No, that's a Trilobite... That's petrified wood... Bart, that's a bran
+muffin.
+Greetings, fellow geodologist.
+I'll be right back.
+The ingredients were "Fresh pureed tomatoes, water, salt, and Sodium Benzoate used to retard spoilage." Once again, if I'm not mistaken, this can contained tomato paste.
+Thank you, Nelson. I look forward to seeing it again next week. Bart, you're up.
+Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel, I come before you today to solve a riddle that has plagued mankind for centuries -- What has four legs and ticks?
+A walking clock?
+A walkin'-clock!
+I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.
+Bart, is it a walking clock?
+What? No, it's my dog!
+Oh, he is a gem! Here, boy, would you like these cookies Martin made for me?
+My raisin roundies!
+My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper. One time he crawled under the house, and when he came out he was covered with ants. Then he ran into a church and drank all the holy water.
+Thank you, Bart. Great job.
+I knew the dog before he came to class.
+Ka-Boom!! That, the sound of the thunderous volcanic explosion which gives birth to the magnificent geode! One of nature's most...
+You're doin' it wrong. You gotta pet him hard so he can feel it.
+Looklooklook! The doggie sneezed!
+Ha! It thinks it's people!
+Hey, poochie. Poochie-poochie, poochie.
+My geode must be acknowledged.
+Oh, brother. All right, back to Show and Tell. Bart, why don't you put the doggie away.
+More testicles mean more iron.
+Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
+Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
+He was going to the bathroom.
+I know Weinstein's parents were upset, Superintendent, but, but ah, I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up: "Yom Kip-pur?"
+Sir, ye've goot to coom quick! There's a doog roonin' aroond in the air doocts!
+I understand. Children, this is Principal Skinner...
+Remain calm. There is a dog in the vents.
+Willie, go into the vent and get him.
+What?! Have ye gone waxy in yer beester?! I canna fit in the wee vent, ye croquet-playin' mint-muncher!
+Grease yourself up and go in, you-you... guff-speaking work-slacker.
+Ooh. Good coomback.
+Lunchlady Doris, have ye got any grease?
+Yes. Yes we do.
+Then grease me up, woman!
+Okey dokey.
+Good lord! It's coming up right behind him!
+What the? No! No!
+Ouch! Ouch! Stop it!
+Children, teachers, back to your rooms! Uh-oh, whenever I get this upset, I get hiccups. Ooh, right on cue.
+Aha! There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman! Now, out we go.
+Whoogh! 'Tis more dizzying than the belfry at St. Corgegluynwaagen's!
+That's nice work, boys.
+Uh-oh. Someone's getting a visit from Superintendent Chalmers.
+I ... can't ... take ... this .
+Skinner!
+Superintendent Chalmers, you didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything's under control.
+Ooh, I have had it. I have had it with this school, Skinner: the low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...
+Now, really I hardly think the children's appearance should --
+Seymour, you are in very, very big troub--
+Huh? Why, looking into this lovable mutt's eyes just melts my heart... Seymour, all is forgiven--
+Aah! Make way for Willie!
+I said, 'Make way for Willie,' ye bloated gas-bag!
+Seymour?
+You're fired.
+I'm sorry, d-did you just call me a liar?
+No, I said you were fired.
+Oh. That's much worse.
+I thought I'd be jumping for joy the day Skinner left, but now all I have is this weird hot feeling in the back of my head.
+That's guilt. You feel guilty because your stunt wound up costing a man his job.
+Yeah, I guess it is guilt.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me get this straight. They let everybody out of school early, just because you brought a dog?
+Well, yeah, but --
+Well, I'm off to work.
+The dog has had enough excitement.
+But Marge, dogs can never have enough excitement.
+Look! Ree, ree. Ree, ree. Aye, aye. All right, all right, I won't take the dog. C'mere.
+Boys and girls, because of Mr. Skinner's sudden departure, I've had to appoint a new principal. Leopold?
+All right, you little punks, prick up your freaking ears, because I'm only gonna be saying this once. From now on, things are gonna be very, very different around here...
+...with your new principal, Ned Flanders!
+How many "s"'s in "innocent"?
+Well, tippity-top o' the a.m. to every-good-body here! As chairman of the PTA, I Am dee-diddily-lighted to take over, and I think I can put the "pal" back in principal.
+Yeah, and I'll put the "super" back in superintendent.
+That's the same exact joke. What gives, Leo?
+Now I know everybody's eager to get back to class --
+But I thought it might break the ice if we had a little Q and A.
+Dude, ask a question or we'll have to go back to class.
+Yeah, you.
+Ah, yeah, uh, I was wonderin' d-do you, uh, er, what's your, um, policy, on... um, lunch?
+Well, let me just say I want to put the "stew" back in students.
+It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids.
+Now look what you've done you little freaks!
+Young men! Your gargantuan cone is making a mockery of our self-serve policy!
+Bart, look. It's Principal Skinner, and I think he's gone crazy. He's not wearing a suit or tie or anything!
+Principal Skinner... Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.
+Well, maybe it was for the best. Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the Great American Novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques!
+I call it "Billy and the Clone-o-saurus!"
+Oh you have got to be kidding, sir! First, you think of an idea that has already been done! And then, you give it a title that nobody could possibly like!! Didn't you think this thr... it was on the best-seller list for 18 months! And every magazine cover...one of the most popular movies of all time! What were you thinking?! I mean, thank you, come again.
+Bart, I've barely been here a good solid week, and you've been sent to my office eleven times. And now that I have peanut butter cups, you seem to be gettin' in trouble every hour.
+Mufft a been a co-in-fa-dince.
+Anyhoo, Bart, you're gonna have to be punished. This isn't just some sort of club house.
+Oh, sorry, were you drinking Slice or Yoo-Hoo?
+Well, let's see. Tide, Cheer, Bold, Biz, Fab, All, Gain, Wisk. I believe today I will try... Bold.
+Bart! How are you? How's school?
+Um, it's, it's a lot of fun.
+Well, it was good to see you.
+It was? Well, then we should get together again! Uh, say Saturday, at my house. Do you know where I live?
+Uh, no.
+Hmmm, a flaming bag, eh? Well, these new Italian loafers will make short work of it.
+Uh, I'm kinda busy on Saturday.
+We got Skinner's underpants!
+And there's nothing you can do about it, Mr. Ex-Principal.
+That's not true. I can buy a new pair. No, I can't. I needed those. I really did.
+Oh, you must be Seymour's friend. He's up in his room. Don't touch the wallpaper.
+Bum-ba-bum-bum! Ba-ba-ba-bum! Now a little more allegro than last time. Bart! Welcome! Can I offer you a Diet Caffeine-Free Dr. Pepper or an individual fruit cocktail cup?
+Uh, no I'll pass. Hey, what's this?
+Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their Sergeant, they were my loyal troops.
+That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back ... Which was very strange, because it was during a Bob Hope show. I was trying to get Joey Heatherton to put on some pants for God's sake.
+Seymour! Your friend Bart is here!
+Seymour, do you want me to tell you when it's 7:30?
+No, Mother.
+Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention and put the whole school on the honor system?
+Yeah, and the teachers are afraid to leave the faculty lounge.
+Oh, that place must be falling apart. Oh, mercy. Nobody's mentioned me, have they?
+Uh, I thought I heard someone say your name in the cafeteria, but they might've been saying "skim milk."
+Yeah, yeah.
+I thought you might like this restaurant, Bart. They'll make a pizza pie with the topping of your choice.
+Ay, Seymour! You want-a your usual table?
+No, no, Luigi, I'd like one with two seats. I'll be dining with a friend tonight.
+Ay! Good-a for you!! Ay?
+Hmm. They treat you real nice here.
+Ay, Salvatore! Guess-a who's here? Mr. Cuckoo Labonza, and-a some real ugly kid!
+This is great. Not only am I not learnin', I'm forgettin' stuff I used to know. And it's all thanks to you, Bart.
+Yeah, great.
+What's the matter?
+Don't you see, Milhouse? We've gone too far. We need Skinner back.
+My water dish is empty!
+I learned to read because of you, Principal Skinner.
+Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies.
+Principal Skinner, I got car-sick in your office.
+Oh, you're Seymour's friend. Here, he left you this note.
+"Dear Bart, your friendship during this difficult time will not be forgotten. However, I've decided to return to the only thing besides school that has ever given my life meaning -- I've re-enlisted in the United States Army. Sincerely, Sgt. Seymour Skinner."
+Table for one.
+Aw, you miss-a your friend, eh? Don't you worry. My cookin', she'll a-cheer you up.
+Ay, Salvatore, give-a the ugly kid a plate-a the red crap!
+It's good to have another combat veteran around here. I myself received a number of medals for uh securing that Montgomery Ward in Kuwait City.
+Hmm. Yes, Colonel. Now, I understand it will be my duty to mold the new recruits into a well-disciplined, highly-trained infantry unit.
+Sure, I, I guess. Here they come.
+Hi. Where do I get my grenades at?
+Hey, they don't have them group terlets here no more, do they?
+Ned, Homer and I are a little concerned with the way the school's being run.
+Yes, deeply concerned.
+Well, I may go a little bit easy on the old hickory dickory stick, but that's, that's because my dad was so hard on me when I was a boy.
+Woopsy-doodle.
+Oh maaan! Ned spilled ink all over my poems! He's a real flat tire, I mean a cube, man! He's putting us on the train to Squaresville, Mona!
+I MET A WOMAN IN PARIS, FRANCE /HAD A BIG HOLE IN HER UNDERPA--
+Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where did you pick up that filth?!
+We heard Sergeant Clark's company singing it, sir!
+Yes, well, there will be no smut in my company. You're in this man's army to learn!
+I DON'T KNOW, BUT I BEEN TOLD! / THE PARTHENON IS MIGHTY OLD!
+Howwww old?
+WE DON'T KNOW!
+WELL, THAT'S REAL GOOD, BUT NEEDS IMPROVEMENT.
+Wow, I never thought Principal Skinner could become any more of a square, but there's the proof.
+It's weird, Lis. I miss him as a friend, but I miss him even more as an enemy.
+I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty. Mountain Dew has its Mello-Yello. Even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.
+Man on the range!! Change your trajectories!!!
+Sixteen brand new gas pumps! At last we can compete with the Gas and Gulp!
+If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back?
+Uh, I must admit, I do miss the school. And uh, frankly, the Army isn't quite as I remembered it.
+Up yours, sergeant!
+Actually, it's exactly as I remembered it. I do want to come back, Bart, but it doesn't sound like Flanders is gonna get fired.
+Oh, I think I can get him fired. I got you fired, didn't I?
+...Yes. Now you realize, if I become Principal again, we can no longer be friends. Unless you become a good student.
+Hmm, that's probably never gonna happen.
+Well, we'll always have the laun-dro-mat.
+What's he doing here?
+Well, once he found out we were going to get Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping.
+That is true.
+Here's the plan. Once Chalmers comes for his next inspection and sees how crappy the school has gotten, he'll fire Ned on the spot.
+Yeah, well one question remains. How do I get out of the army?
+No problem-o. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
+Done and done. And I mean done.
+What's going on in there?
+Nothing!
+TO-READOR EN GARDE...
+C'mon, Chalmie. You fired Skinner for less than this.
+Yeah, I did, but Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say lay back and enjoy it. It's a helluva toboggan ride.
+Well, cockily-Doodily-Doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
+Thank the Lord. Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer! A prayer. A prayer in a public school!! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion! Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history.
+Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent. May the Lord bless and keep you.
+Now take it outside, God-boy.
+Okily-dokily.
+Dirksen, tuck in your shirt. Jaffee, spit out that gum.
+You really think it's a good idea to just give that freak his job back?
+Eh. He seems to know the students' names.
+So I guess we're enemies again.
+I guess. Thanks, Bart.
+Oh, mercy.
+How can they imprison kids in school on a beautiful day like this?
+They're not "imprisoning us," Bart. They're...
+A prison bus, Otto?
+The regular school bus broke down, so take a seat before I blow your heads off.
+Oh, sorry. This bus and I have sort of a "Shining" thing goin' on.
+Ah! This is what being a kid is all about. Hey, Huck. What's L-I-N-C-O-N doin' here?
+I dunno. It's your fantasy.
+Hi, Abe.
+Hello, Bart.
+Ah, the joys of mortgaging your future.
+My fantasy's come true.
+Hey kid. Wanna see a dead body?
+Well, children, our new ultra-hard Posturific chairs have arrived. They've been designed by eminent posturologists to eliminate slouching by the year three thousand.
+Ms. Krabappel, I'm having back spasms.
+I know they seem a little uncomfortable right now, but eventually your bones will change shape.
+I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body.
+Yeah, yeah. Now, unfortunately, our school clocks have been running fast all semester. So today we all have to stay two extra hours to make up for the time we lost. Ha!
+And to think I got all this after dropping out of the fourth grade! Ha, ha!
+That does it. I'm outta here.
+Mrs. Krabappel, I have to go to the dentist. I have a caraway seed caught under my bridgework.
+My mom's number is on there if you want to check up on me.
+That's okay, Bart. I trust you.
+"Please excuse my handwriting. I busted whichever hand it is I write with. Signed, Mrs. Simpson." You were right to be suspicious, Edna. To the crime lab.
+Hmm, inconclusive.
+I wish more students had agreed to these electronic tracking implants. We only had one volunteer.
+Spill it! Where's yer brither?
+You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a bad man.
+What are you laughing about?
+You started off as the bad cop. But now you're the good one. You and Willie got mixed up about ten minutes ago.
+We did not! Now where's Bart? You better tell me!
+Ach. You'd better tell him, lassie. I canna control him when he gets like this.
+Now you're the good cop.
+If I were a truant boy out for a good time I'd be right here. The Springfield Natural History Museum.
+You're mine, Simpson.
+Look, if I was under seventeen, I'd be in school, right?
+Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy "Booborama," sir.
+Why, there are no children here at the Four 'H' Club either! Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong.
+Sold to the small man with the runny nose for two point three million.
+Our next highest bid, uh I believe, was yours sir? For 2.1 million?
+Yes, were there any serious bids for this painting?
+Can't let Dad see me playing hooky.
+I can't let the boy see me skipping work.
+Good afternoon.
+How do you do, sir?
+Sucker.
+A Spoor!
+Hmm. His brand of gum--Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that. And so we enter end game.
+Aye carumba!
+Let's see him track me now.
+Oh, my God, he is like some sort of non... giving up... school guy.
+Oh, he's close. I can taste his fear.
+What the...?
+Freddy honey, I think something just dropped into the back seat.
+I'm not paying you to talk.
+Gimme the ball!
+People, the punch has been spiked.
+From now on, you tell me everything.
+Ha, ha, ha! That's my nephew, displaying the Quimby wit that's won the public's heart. Happy birthday, Freddy, and may all your disgraces be uh private.
+Here here.
+And who are you, little boy?
+I'm one of your nephews you don't see very often. Bart-Bart.
+Hey McBain, I'm a big fan, but your last movie really sucked.
+I know. There were script problems from day one.
+Yeah, I'll say. Magic ticket my ass, McBain.
+Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.
+Hey, what the hell is this?
+It's a bowl of show-dair, sir.
+Wait a minute. Come here. What did you call it? Say it loud enough for everyone to hear. Come on! Say it.
+Show-dair.
+"Show-dair?" "Show-dair?" It's "chowda." Say it right.
+Show-der.
+Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you.
+Wow! This is the biggest Rice Krispy square I've ever seen. Boy, the rich sure know how to live.
+Say it, Frenchie! Say chowda!
+Ne-verr!
+Okay, you asked for it.
+I'm gonna enjoy this.
+Ah, that's gotta hoit!
+Oh my God, someone's taken a bite outta the big Rice Krispy Square. Oh, yeah. And the waiter's been brutally beaten.
+It says Freddy Quimby beat a waiter half to death. Those Quimby children are so wild and rich. I hope he finally gets what's coming to him.
+But Freddy Quimby's innocent.
+How do you know? There weren't any witnesses.
+Oh, yeah. Right.
+You'd think someone would have seen something at a crowded party like that.
+Guilty.
+Well they didn't, okay? They didn't! It says right here in black and white, no witnesses. Case closed. Now let's all read the funnies.
+Oh look, Charlie Brown said "Good grief." I didn't see that comin'.
+Lisa, I gotta tell somebody. I was at the Quimby compound yesterday when that frog waiter got whacked. I know that Freddy Quimby is innocent.
+You're a witness? Bart, you have to tell the police.
+I can't.
+Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday. And as soon as I can prove it, I'm shipping you off to the Christian Military Reform School.
+What he said.
+Oh, I see. If you testify, Skinner will know you skipped school. Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it, I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury.
+Jury duty. I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this.
+I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
+Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.
+Brockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a Federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed... "Beat Up Waiter." This reporter suggested "Waiter Gate" but was shouted down at the press club. Now it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, so we'll have to be quiet.
+I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
+I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow/ meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
+I intend to prove that Freddy Quimby is totally innocent. First of all, his accuser is a very shady character. That waiter, Mr. LaCoste not only wasn't born in Springfield. He wasn't even born in this country!
+Uh, Freddy Quimby was with me the entire night in question. We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in, ah... you know, one of them loser countries.
+He's clearly innocent.
+Oh, good. My laundry is done.
+Ya see, Lisa? They don't need my testimony.
+Only because Mayor Quimby's buying his nephew's freedom.
+The system works. Just ask Claus Von Bulow.
+Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Doctor Hibbert.
+Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene." Hitler had it. Walt Disney had it. And Freddy Quimby has it.
+Thank you, Doctor Hibbert. I rest my case.
+You rest your case?
+What? Oh, no. I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.
+Excuse me, your honor. Yes, I'd like to bring something to the court's attention.
+Give those glasses to the bailiff.
+All right.
+And those.
+Your honor, even though I've proven my client's innocence, I'd still like to call Freddy Quimby to the stand so that we can all bask in his gentle decency.
+"He's wealthy, therefore inherently good." "He's definitely innocent."
+Mr. Quimby, did you assault Mr. LaCoste?
+Of course not. I love each and every uh living thing on God's green earth.
+Therefore, you certainly would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder."
+That's chowda. Chowda! I'll kill you. I'll kill all of you - especially those of you in the jury.
+Wow, that didn't go well. The defense rests.
+Will the jury retire and come to its decision?
+Okay, fine.
+This won't take long. He's clearly guilty. We'll probably be home by dinnertime.
+Good. I heard the dog from "Frasier" is gonna ride the dolphin on "Seaquest."
+Well Bart, because of you, a horrible, yet innocent person is going to jail.
+Maybe I should come forward.
+I can't wait 'til the sentencing part. That's where I really shine.
+Bart Simpson, for the heinous crime of hooky, I sentence you to a lifetime of hard labor in the cafeteria.
+More creamed corn, Jimbo Junior?
+This creamed corn tastes like creamed crap.
+Watch the potty mouth, honey.
+Your sister says you have something to tell me.
+What? Uh, um, yeah. Uh, I just want to say how great it is to finally see some chicks on the bench.
+Keep up the good work, toots.
+Chicks on the bench...
+Why bother votin'? He's guilty.
+We might as well make it official.
+What does sequestered mean?
+If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world.
+What does deadlocked mean?
+It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
+Uh-huh. And "if"?
+A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that."
+So "if" we don't all vote the same way, we'll be "deadlocked" and have to be "sequestered" in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
+That's not gonna happen, Homer.
+Let's vote. My liver is failing.
+Where we'll get... a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO - Oooh, "Free Willy!"
+Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote.
+Uh, how are the rest of you voting?
+I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddie Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
+Oh, I miss you too, Marge. But the law needs me. I'll be home as soon as I can.
+Room service? Send up two more pot roasts and three more pillows with mints on 'em.
+You know, we're kind of like the original "Odd Couple." You're the messy one and I'm...
+Shut up.
+Oh yes, very well.
+So Bart, have your insides been gnawed away by guilt, yet?
+Sell it to Hallmark, sis. You're lookin' at cucumber boy. As in "cool as a."
+Next on McGarnigal - McGarnigal is framed for a crime he didn't commit. And only one witness can clear his name - a little sissy boy who's too scared to come forward.
+You gotta tell 'em what you saw, Billy.
+But I'm so scared, McGarnigal.
+You gotta do this one for me, Billy. McGarnigal.
+Okay. For you. McGarnigal.
+Well, McGarnigal, Billy is dead. They slit his throat from ear to ear.
+Hey, I'm tryin' to eat lunch here!
+Jump, Free Willy, jump! Jump with all your might!
+Oh, no. Willie didn't make it. And he crushed our boy.
+Ew, What a mess.
+I don't like this new director's cut.
+Got it, Barn?
+Got what?
+You're stealing a table?
+I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir.
+Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?
+Souvenir.
+Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?
+Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying, "Shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took seventy-five Federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.
+Mom, Mom, Mom!
+What if I can get this guy off the hook. Sh-should I do it?
+Honey, you should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one grey December morn.
+Even though reopening a trial at this point is illegal and grossly unconstitutional, I just can't say no to kids.
+So, young man. If Freddy Quimby didn't inflict these injuries on Mr. LaCoste, just who did?
+Well, I was hiding in the kitchen when it all happened...
+Say it, Frenchie! Say chowder!
+Ne-verr!
+Okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna enjoy this.
+And that's what really happened.
+I keel you! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter. I will...
+At least there were no big traps.
+How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school?
+I sorta skipped school.
+I knew it! I knew you'd slip up sooner or later, Simpson.
+What slip up? What are you talking about? He confessed it.
+Quiet. I need this.
+This court finds Freddy Quimby innocent of all charges. Case dismissed.
+Bart, I'm impressed with what you did in there. You testified for the Quimby boy even though it was putting your own head in a noose. On the other hand, you skipped school.
+I guess the two things cancel each other out, huh?
+I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention.
+Wait a minute, Bart.
+Make that four months detention.
+Well, Marge, it was horrible. Everyone was against me in that jury room. But I stood by the courage of my convictions and I prevailed. And that's why we had Chinese food for lunch.
+Good for you, Homie. You know, a lot of things happened around here while you were gone.
+Great, Marge. I wanna hear all about it.
+Give me those...
+And those.
+And those!
+Please, Krusty, this is very demeaning.
+Shuddup and conduct!
+Maggie, can you point to the monkey?
+Pfft. What do babies know?
+Maggie, can you point to the credenza?
+Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.
+What? It's not Magaggie's birthday? Oh.
+Hey, hey, hey hey, stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there.
+Hello, everyone except Homer.
+Happy birthday, granddaughter!
+Marge, I think that's your father-in-law across the street.
+Hap-py Birthday!
+Everybody get ready! Here comes the birthday girl in her very first dress!
+She's a little angel!
+Yeah. I wanna put a hook in her and hang her from our Christmas tree.
+Whaaaat smells?!
+Shouldn't we wait for the other babies before we open the presents?
+Guess what happened to me last night!
+We didn't invite the other babies. Maggie doesn't seem to get along with the other babies.
+Maggie, we have a surprise for you.
+Oo! Put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton. Put the cotton in her ear. That'll stop them shakes.
+No, no. What she needs is a Balsam Specific.
+Balsam Specific? While we're burning money, why don't we give her a Curative Galvanic Belt, too?
+Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder!
+Don't make fun.
+I remember Lisa's third birthday. She and Bart did this adorable little song and dance routine.
+Oh, that was a real horn-honker! Let's see it!
+Now! Do it!
+HOT DOGS / ARMOUR HOT DOGS...
+Sing it like you mean it!
+WHAT KINDS OF KIDS EAT ARMOUR HOT DOGS?
+FAT KIDS...
+SKINNY KIDS...
+KIDS WHO CLIMB ON ROCKS...
+TOUGH KIDS...
+SISSY KIDS...
+EVEN KIDS WITH CHICKEN POX!
+LOVE HOT DOGS / ARRR-MOUR HOT DOGS THE DOGS KIDS LOVE TO BITE!
+Doesn't this family know any songs that aren't commercials?
+I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT! / LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT! / LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT!
+It's been great spending time with my family again. I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving.
+Or, if not then, Christmas.
+I suppose I'll be gettin' home, too. At least I got Matlock to keep me company. Ooh! He's on in five minutes!
+He is?! Step on it!
+Hurry up! Hurry! Each Matlock could be our last!
+Homey, you know, it's funny -- both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely.
+Hee, hee, hee, hee. That is funny.
+Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together, or shopping, or to that room in the library that's always full of old people. "Periodicals," that's it.
+Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
+Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?!
+Say! I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll all go out to dinner.
+I'll be back in a jiffy.
+That's not my mother.
+I'll be back in a jiffy.
+Can I come, too?
+You know, Mom, you and Abe have a lot in common. Umm, you both got swindled by that telemarketing scam.
+Oh, it's not a swindle. What you do is, see, you give 'em all your credit card numbers, and if one of them is lucky, they'll send you a prize!
+I was just happy to talk to someone on the phone.
+Aw, feelin' blue, eh? I got somethin' that'll cheer you up.
+Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt to this unauthorized imitation. Boys?
+And here's a picture of me getting arrested for indecent exposure. It was the most embarrassing day of my life.
+Lamp those gams! You were one nifty number!
+Boys all paid attention to me and it drove my friends crazy.
+Oh? Who were your friends?
+Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald... Frances Farmer... and little Sylvia Plath...
+I don't know, Sir. You had sex with that old woman?
+Y'know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember... and a song that may never have existed... and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.
+You're so sweet.
+I feel all funny! I'm in love! No, wait, it's a stroke!
+No, wait. It is love!
+I'm in looove!
+Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as "The Boatjacking of Super-Ship '79" and "Hydro: The Man with the Hydraulic Arms." Coming up this hour on the Impulse Buying Network -- your chance to own a piece of Itchy and Scratchy, the Toontown twosome beloved by everyone, even cynical members of Generation X!
+Yeah, "groovy."
+Troy, I'm proud to offer your viewers these hand-drawn Itchy and Scratchy animation cels. Each one is absolutely, positively one hundred percent guaranteed to increase in value!
+Not a guarantee.
+Pardon me, sir. Forgive my clumsiness.
+Not at all.
+Ah, yes, my name is Homer Simpson, and I'd like to order an Itchy an Scratchy cel. My credit card? Ah, do you accept the Federal Breast Inspector's card? License to Ogle? Viza?... Oh yes, of course, that's what I meant, Visa. It's these new dentures.
+Well, I think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love with my mother.
+Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing! Damn opposed!
+He's damn opposed! Damn! Damn! Damn opposed!
+Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have against Grampa being in love?
+If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
+Hello, Mom? Fine. You know, Abe had a very nice time with you last Sunday...
+Tell her I love her!!!
+Grampa, sssh! I know my mother. If you come on too strong, she's going to get scared away.
+I love ya!
+Uh... I love ya, Mom!
+I love ya! I love ya! I love ya!
+I love ya! I love ya! I love ya! I love ya, Mom! Gotta go!
+Yeah, hi! I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.
+That's me.
+Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.
+I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.
+Um... that's me.
+Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range!
+Homer Simpson? I've got a uh, "special delivery" for ya.
+Go away!
+If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson, I cannot give you your "special delivery."
+Here's your special delivery.
+Thanks.
+That's for keepin' me waitin'!
+Hey, Lis, guess who's got a genuine Itchy and Scratchy animation cel?!
+Oh. That is so cool, that is so exciting, that is so... crappy.
+It looks like part of Scratchy's arm.
+Oh, no. I used Dad's credit card to buy this?
+Yeesh. How much was it?
+Three hundred fifty dollars.
+Haw haw!
+Oh my God! This boy is having an out-of-body experience! This is very bad for business!
+Hot diggity! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eatin' an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures.
+Dad, that will never work. If you want to make your move, you've gotta play it... cool.
+NOW, WHAT YOU GOTTA DO / IF YOU WANT TO GET A KISS / IS ACT REAL SMOOTH / AND MAKE YOUR MOVE LIKE THIS.
+Oh, I see. SO IF I TAKE YOUR ADVICE / AND MAKE YOUR PATENTED MOVE / THEN MY CHANCES FOR LOVE / WILL SLIGHTLY IMPROVE?
+NOW WHAT'S THAT RULE?
+PLAY IT COOOOL.
+Is this cel worth anything?
+Let me show you something.
+This, this is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hig Heisler. It is worth something. This, this is an arm drawn by nobody. It is worth nothing.
+Can't you give me anything for it?
+I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth.
+No groaning in my store.
+Oh, my favorite song. This is so nice.
+I can't remember when I felt this young. I really can't.
+Say, sport, mind if I have the next dance?
+Don't sneak up on a...
+No need for the blown gasket, Charlie! I'll have her back in one piece.
+Grrr. That big ape thinks he can muscle in on my girl, does he? I'll show him. I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime.
+I swear, Monty, you are the devil himself.
+Who told y-- ?! Yesss. Well, I'd say you were an angel, but angels don't dance like that.
+Goodnight, Mrs. Bouvier... Wherever you are.
+Mr. Simpson, I represent the estate of Jimmy Durante. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt to this unauthorized imitation. Boys?
+Well would it be alright with you if I just laid down in the street and died?
+Yes. That would be acceptable.
+Smithers...
+She said "no" to me. Do you know how many women have said "no" to me? One hundred thirty. But only one since I've become a billionaire. And she's the one for me. I'm in love!
+Whoop-de-doo, Sir.
+Yes, whoop-de-doo! Whoop-de-doo to the world!
+Whooop de-doo, Mr. Florist! Whoop de-doo, Mr. Physical Trainer! Whoop-de-doo, Mr. President!
+I'm happy you finally found love.
+Whoop-de-doo, Tarantula Town!
+Whoop-de-doo, employees! Everyone who's found true love may leave early today!
+All right!
+"Memorandum to: Mrs. Bouvier. Re: Delineation of Romantic Intentions..." Pfffft, too sappy. Smithers, come over here and help me write a mash note to my girlfriend!
+Fine. "Darling One, Read my words and hear my heart speak of a love soft and undying. A love that will be with you always. Sincerely, yadda yadda yadda."
+That's marvelous. How did you think of that so fast?
+I sent it to you on your birthday. Excuse me, I have something in my eye.
+Mom's almost ready for her date. She sure seems taken by this new beau. I feel so bad for Grampa.
+Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire, so let's all be extra-nice to him.
+Hello! Why it's... it's uh... oh it's...
+Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma! Oh, and this must be little Pebbles! Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates.
+Yabba-dabba-doo!
+He's an awful, awful, awful man, but I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters.
+That's right, money. Your money's happiness is all that moneys.
+Hi. You know, Gramma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me. She especially likes it when they give me money.
+Run along, Pee-Wee. Baby gets nothing.
+Very well, you leave me no choice.
+This gun is filled with ketchup. This one with mustard. Now give me three hundred fifty bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date.
+You don't have the guts.
+Aaagh! Here, take your money! Take it!
+Now, the tables have turned, haven't they?
+Monty, I'm ready.
+Oh, why'd she have to leave me?
+Hi, Abe. We heard you was in need of some cheerin' up, so we got you a special cake.
+Uh-oh. Better call the nurse.
+Bravissimo, Luigi. Bring us your finest bottle of vino.
+Ay, you trust-a-Luigi, ah? He knows-a what for to make-a real nice the amoré.
+Oh, Monty, I've never been to a more romantic restaurant.
+Ay, Salvatore! Break out the cheap-a-hooch for Mr. No-Tip and the dried up-a zombie he's-a captured!
+Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged three hundred fifty dollars on your credit card.
+Don't worry, here's the cash.
+Woo hoo! Three hundred fifty dollars!! Now I can buy seventy transcripts of "Nightline"!
+But Dad...
+Woo hoo!
+Oh well, he's happy. I'm gonna keep this Mary Worth phone right here. Her stern but sensible face will remind me never to do anything so stupid again.
+Hey, Bart. You wanna go play with that x-ray machine in the abandoned hospital?
+Now, my dear, if you look in your champagne, I think you'll find a little surprise...
+Not to worry. I believe there's another one around here, somewhere.
+My darling, since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak, I'll be brief. Will you marry me?
+Mom, you can't marry Mr. Burns! He's an evil man!
+Evil-schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me, and besides, he's a great kisser.
+Ew yuuuuck!
+What about Abe Simpson? Don't you have any feelings for him?
+Ah, he's a dear, but he's too much of an old fusspot.
+We're all aware of Grampa's problems, but compared to Mr. Burns, he's Judge freaking Reinhold!
+I don't know who that is.
+Aw, who needs her? Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground. "Lay-tex Con-do..." Boy, I'd like to live in one of those.
+Hey, Barney, why don't you fill out the groom's side.
+Hey, down in front.
+Where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited?
+Yeah, but his reply envelope just had a check to the Gas Company in it.
+...and so, when Eliphaz came down from Mt. Hebron bearing figs, he offered them to Moham, who you will remember as the father of Shecham, and to Hazar on the occasion of their matrimony. Much in the same--
+We've heard enough about Blizblaz and Himham already! Get to the bloody point!
+Hm? Hm?
+Do you, Charles Montgomery Burns, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
+The ring, you little imbecile! Before I really lose my temper!
+I know, I know.
+Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
+Oh, Monty! My favorite song. How did--
+I specifically requested no romantic music!
+Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!
+Mrs. Bouvier!
+Honey, are ya sure ya wanna be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't ya rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson?
+I don't want to be either.
+Hot ziggity zam! That's good enough for me!
+Turn off that racket!
+Yeah, fat chance, pops.
+HELLO GRAMPA MY OLD FRIEND / YOUR BUSY DAY IS AT AN END / YOUR EXPLOITS HAVE BEEN SAD AND BORING / THEY TELL A TALE THAT'S WORTH IGNOR-ING / WHEN YOU'RE ALONE / THE WORDS OF YOUR STORY WILL ECHO DOWN THE RESTROOM HALL / 'CAUSE NO ONE AT ALL / CAN STAND THE SOUND OF GRAM-PAAA....
+I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine. When the vulcanized rubber listening tube was just crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant like Linseed oil or Dr. Some...
+I'm sorry.
+All right, I raise a quarter.
+I'm out.
+I'm out.
+I'm out.
+Homer, do you want any cards? Homer?
+Whew. Don't try to eat these so-called "chips."
+Do you want another card or not?
+Huh? Oh. Okay. I'll take three.
+I mean, woo hoo!
+I'm in. Let's see your cards.
+I was bluffing.
+Come to papa... Wait a minute! You have a straight flush, Homer. Go! You do this every time. You... oh, you, ah, ... I'm choking on my own rage here.
+Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just because he's a little slow...
+How dare you call me that?!
+Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you are slow.
+Get the hell outta here.
+So, anyhoo, last night, we're playing poker, right. As usual, I'm winning and not realizing it. And Lenny says that I'm uh... get this... "A little slow."
+How come you're not laughing? Do you think I'm slow?
+We don't think you're slow. But, on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
+You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another. Each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live!
+Oh, who am I kidding? I am slow...
+Oh Homie, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better.
+Take another bath in malt liquor?
+... There's that. Or, you could take an adult education course.
+Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?
+That's because you were drunk!
+And how.
+One way to drive your man wild is to wear tight, revealing clothes.
+At this point, I'd like to remind you there are no refunds.
+All right, here's the four one one, folks. Say some gangsta is dissin' your fly girl. You just give him one of these.
+See that ping sound means the spit was on target. Now you try.
+Gettin' better!
+Wait a minute, even Lenny is teaching a class. Look at the way they admire and adore him.
+That's it! If he can teach a class, he can teach a class. I mean, I can teach a class.
+What is your area of expertise?
+Well... I can tell the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
+No you can't, Mr. Simpson. No one can.
+I've failed again. Everybody can teach a class but me. I'm an idiot. What am I gonna tell my wife and kids?
+Oh, you're married?
+That depends. Is there another way to get this job?
+No, Mr. Simpson, what I mean is, we may have a job for you after all. We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage.
+I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging and noise... Of a family of love. Sha la la la.
+Look, everyone! Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows.
+Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
+Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets.
+I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will you be lecturing from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method of interactive class participation?
+Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.
+Well, Homer, what a pleasant...
+Can't talk now, Flanders. I've got a class to teach.
+But you rang my...
+Can I take your order?
+Nothing for me, today! I've got a class to teach!
+Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box.
+It's all right! I'm a teacher.
+I didn't know we could do that!
+All right, the first thing they told me to do is make sure everyone here is in the right class.
+Down the hall, room twelve.
+Thank you.
+Ew. Okay, let's get started.
+No talking.
+Um, how about if we tell you our problems with relationships?
+Yeah, yeah. That'll eat up some time. Uh, how 'bout you, Otto.
+My standards are just too high, you know. I feel like nobody's good enough for me.
+Whoa. You think you got 'em all but you forget about the eggs.
+My problem is, I'm a real user of women. I move in right away and stay until the money's gone.
+I'm a smart woman, but I make bad choices.
+Okay. Here's a set of house keys and my ATM card.
+Um, I was married once, but uh, I just didn't know how to keep it together.
+C'mon, Waylon. Make love to me the way you used to.
+It's that horrible Mr. Burns, isn't it?
+You leave Mr. Burns out of this! You!
+Smithers!
+Smithers!
+Mr. Simpson, are you listening?
+Simpson!
+Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.
+You were not! You were just eating a damn orange!
+Uh, yes, yes. To the untrained eye I'm eating an orange. But to the eye that has brains, I am making a point about marriage. For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.
+First you have the skin, then the sweet, sweet innards.
+I don't understand.
+Okay. But then we've got to get to work.
+If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange eating class.
+The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage...
+Just eat the damn oranges!
+This is terrible.
+Unbelievable.
+Let's get out of here.
+He's a horrible excuse for an educator.
+I told Marge this wouldn't work the other night in bed.
+"In bed?" / "What wouldn't work?"
+So something wasn't working in bed, huh?
+No, that's not what I meant. Marge and I always talk things over in bed. Like the other night we were fighting about money.
+Ooh, a fight.
+Trouble in paradise, huh? DERISIVE LAUGH)
+I was telling Marge that we could save some money if she only dyed her hair once a month.
+Marge dyes her hair?
+Oh yeah. She's been gray as a mule since she was seventeen.
+C'mon, tell us more!
+I went on for hours and they were hanging on my every word. I really think I was born to teach.
+All right Simpson, you were warned about teasing the box.
+Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.
+Uh, Mrs. Simpson, it may interest you to know we are having a sale on blue dye number fifty-two. It is your hair color, I believe.
+Whatever do you mean? I don't dye my hair...
+Nah, nah, nah, you got it wrong, Pu. She's blue fifty-six.
+I don't know what you're talking about.
+We just love your husband's class.
+That's nice.
+Come on, Marge. Let me in! There's crickets out here.
+Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
+Marge, I didn't tell 'em personal stuff.
+Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair.
+Oh, you mean about you. All right, maybe I said some things -- some personal things. But, you should have seen 'em, Marge. They really wanted to hear what I had to say.
+Mm-hmm. I'm happy about that. But, I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy.
+Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one there everyday, putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge - it's Chinatown.
+Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again.
+Yes ma'am.
+Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as: 'The process of removing weeds from one's garden.'
+Tell us more about you and Marge.
+This is a place of learning, not a house of... hearing about things.
+Guess he's run out of stories.
+What a rip off.
+I can't believe I paid ten thousand dollars for this course! What the heck was that lab fee for?
+No, wait! Uh, uh, wait!... I, yes! I do have a story about two other young marrieds.
+Oh, all right. / Okay.
+Now, the wife of this couple has an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
+We need names!
+Well let's just call 'em uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, If this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'
+Homer, don't you have to get to class?
+Not tonight, Marge. Tonight we can eat a nice, leisurely dinner at home.
+Oh, well that will be...
+What the darn...?
+Marge, you'll never guess what. My whole class is here. They're going to observe the human peep show that is our lives.
+Apparently that disturbing odor was the food.
+So, little Lisa, apple of my eye. How are things down at the ol' schoolhouse?
+I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.
+And how's my little major leaguer? Catch any Junebugs today?
+Well, me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer.
+Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.
+What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double dared us.
+Why you little...
+I'm outta here!
+Me too.
+Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed...
+I want this to end now!
+Hey, Homer, why don't you just nibble her elbow. That always melts her butter, right?
+All right. Okay. Everybody out!
+Ooh, she's gotta have it.
+Get out! Get out! Get out!
+All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through eighteen in Lisa's diary.
+You, too.
+Get out!
+But I'm not in the cla...
+Is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't paying attention.
+Okay, Marge, things were said, mistakes were made. Let's end this madness and get on with our lives.
+You just don't get it, do you, Homer? You told personal things about our lives even after you promised you wouldn't. I can't trust you anymore.
+But, I learned my lesson. It'll never happen again.
+Hey, Homer, what's the big brouhaha? Ha.
+Aw, Marge is throwing me out for blabbing about her elbow thing.
+Honey, the door blew shut! Oh. Fine. That's what you want? You got it. This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.
+Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now. And I don't know what's going to happen, but just remember that both your mom and your dad love you very very much.
+Wow, I've never seen Mom so mad at Homer before.
+I'll tell you a secret, Bart. Every time I'm worried about Mom and Dad, I go to the attic and add to my ball of string.
+Earth base, this is commander Bart McCool. We are under attack by the Zorrinid Brain Changers! Quickly, into the safety dome, Milbot!
+Affirmative, humanoid.
+Don't mind me boys, just scrubbing my undies.
+Sorry, Bart, your dad kinda blew the fantasy. I only like it when I'm pretend scared.
+Keep up the rough-housing, son. Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight. Oh, these stubborn grass stains.
+Oh, good, Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back. He has to push the sanctity of marriage or his God will punish him.
+Get a divorce.
+But, isn't that a sin?
+Mm Marge, just about everything is a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
+Good night, Marge.
+Why didn't I take a picture? I had ten years to take a picture.
+Funny... the way everything reminds me of Homer.
+I love you... Will you marry me, Marge?... You mean I'm gonna be a daddy?... I hope we'll always be together... together... together...
+Together?
+Here, Dad. I brought you some nice...
+Good news, Lisa. I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement that's superior to her in almost every way.
+Dad, that's just a plant.
+Lisa, you will respect your new mother. Now give her a kiss. Kisss herrr.
+OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod. All right, let's get our stories straight. She tripped, right?
+Look, I brought you some nice pudding.
+Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding. Oh, I miss Marge. Lisa you're smart. Help me trick her into taking me back.
+Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together. There's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you want to get Mom back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else can.
+I'll pay you forty dollars if you think of it for me.
+Okay, thirty.
+Good luck, Dad.
+All right, brain. It's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever.
+Oh, hi-hi, Marge. I heard you and Homer broke up so, um, I'm declaring my intentions to move in on his territory. Here, I uh, brung you some posies.
+Oh my. I'm very flattered, but I'm not really interested.
+Geez, I come here, I get dressed up all nice-like, put my heart on the line and I make a fool of myself Oh boy, I'm gonna start bawling, here.
+Why don't you come inside for a drink of water?
+Clean house, no silverfish... I coulda been very happy here.
+Moe, what are you doing here?
+I uh, well... I never touched her, Homer. Homer, I swear, I never touched her.
+Here's your water, Moe.
+I didn't ask her for no water. She's lying, Homer, she's lyin'. She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I... I didn't do nothin'!
+Bye, Moe!
+Homer, what happened to you?
+Marge, I figured out what I can give you that no one else can.
+A bouquet of po...
+I give up. I don't deserve to live with you.
+My tattered rags are caught on your coffee table.
+Oh, here, let me help you.
+Wait a minute! Wait, that's it! I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and utter dependence.
+Homer, that's not a good thing.
+Are you kidding? It's a wondrous, marvelous thing. Marge, I need you more than anyone else on this entire planet could possibly ever need you. I need you to take care of me, to put up with me, and most of all, I need you to love me, because I love you.
+But, how do I know I can trust you?
+Marge, look at me! We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours, I'll be dead. I can't afford to lose your trust again.
+I must admit, you really do make a gal feel needed.
+Wait until my class hears about this. Kidding!
+It's great to be indoors with my family.
+I'm really glad you're back, Dad. I knew you could do it. Now don't screw it up.
+Look, Dad. I missed you so much, I couldn't concentrate in school and I got an "F".
+Hey, this is dated two weeks ago.
+Oh, sorry. Here's a fresh one.
+And I have a special present for you, but I'll give it to you later tonight.
+Special present?! I don't wanna wait! I want it now! I want the children to see. Oh. Right. Later.
+So Marge, are you really happy, really?
+Hey, Moe!
+Well, you're certainly doing your job today, Mr. Sun.
+Oh rats.
+And here we have the world famous Beatles exactly as they looked performing on the Ed Sullivan Show.
+I hardly think it's fair to be charged full price. I'm up to my knees in the original cast of M*A*S*H.
+SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS MAKES ME HAPPY...
+Homer, my hat goes off to you.
+It's cool in here, boy. For the rest of the summer, we can live inside the refrigerator.
+Homer, the fridge wasn't meant to be used this way. Although I must say, it's certainly refreshing.
+I got the idea when I noticed the refrigerator was cold.
+Won't this overload the motor?
+Marge, can you set the oven to cold?
+Ice cream! Ice cream!
+I'm all out of ice cream! It's true, you know. Ice cream! Ice Cream! Fresh out of ice cream!
+Chili! Red hot, Texas-style chili! And we got ginger ale! Boiling hot, Texas-style ginger ale! Texas!
+Ah, face it, Bart. Our salvation isn't just gonna roll by on the Back of some stupid truck.
+Whoa! I gotta replace that window.
+POOL MOBILE?!!
+Look, Lis, I snatched five bathing suits. All Martin's!
+Take your best shot! I'm wearing seventeen layers.
+I brought this on myself.
+Okay, little dudes, time's up! Everybody out!
+Time's up?!
+So long, Lis. I'm gonna stow away underwater, and go where the pool goes. Have a good life.
+Sorry, Bart-dude. We gotta fill this thing with Epsom salts and jam it on over to the old folks' home.
+Oh well. Same time tomorrow, Otto?
+No way, man. One day a summer is all we're budgeted for. I guess it is kind of a tease.
+Yes, Lisa?
+Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
+CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? Canwe... etc.
+I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
+Over here we have "The Hick Tub," "The uh Insta-Rust," that's "The Lightning Magnet," that's "The Tinkler..."
+Ooh, The Tinkler. I like the sound of that. We'll take it.
+Is it true we should wait at least an hour after eating before we go in?
+Look, question lady, this job is not what I really do, okay? I play keyboards.
+All right, everybody in the pool!
+'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
+Is it a pool yet?
+Yes, Dad.
+Woo hoo!
+Who could that be...?
+Uh, hello, uh, Mrs. uh, Bart. ...Is your pool ready yet?
+Bart...? Are all these children friends of yours?
+Friends and well-wishers, yes.
+HEY, BART. / HI, BART. / HEY, MY BUDDY, BART /
+Hello, Mrs. Cumberdale.
+People, people, it's time we all discussed the pool safety rules.
+Jump, Bart, jump! Jump, Bart, jump!
+You got it.
+Hey, Bart! Your epidermis is showing!
+It is?!!
+See, "epidermis" means your hair...
+YAAARRRGG!!
+...so technically it's true. That's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Haw, haw.
+Hey, Nelson. He's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.
+I said, Haw, haw.
+Get this kid a magazine, stat.
+I'm sorry, that leg's gonna have to come off.
+Did I say leg? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone.
+I'm gonna miss the whole summer.
+Don't worry boy, when you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.
+Isn't it amazing the same day you got a pool is the same day we realized we liked you?
+The timing worked out great. Don't you think?
+Hey, guys! Sign my cast? Sign my cast? Guys...?
+Milhouse!
+Uh, hi, Bart.
+Faithful Milhouse. You'll spend the long, hot days by my side, won't you?
+I think I lost my glasses in your pool. I better go in and find them.
+But you're wearing your glasses.
+No, I'm not.
+Oh, look. Bart's all alone. Maybe I should keep him company, at least for a little while.
+Hey, Lisa, watch this! Check it out!
+Coming!
+Aw, great. I get to spend the summer with my brain.
+What fun can you have in a pool, anyway, that you can't have in a bathtub with a garbage bag taped around your cast?
+Traitors. Go on and have your pool. I'm fine by myself, right here.
+You know, this isn't so bad. I'll just spend the summer getting better acquainted with an old friend called Television.
+Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's outta here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running "Classic Krusty." Enjoy.
+It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty.
+Well, that depends what you mean by "crisis".
+Wow. The universe is so boring.
+Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty Boy.
+Ah...There's nothing like rising with the sun for a quiet, peaceful dip in your very own pool.
+YAAARR--Ewwwwwww!!
+Lisa! The Blob has got me! Don't touch me, or he'll get you too!
+Dad... You have to put chlorine in the water every day, to keep it clean.
+Chlorine, eh?
+My face is on fire!...
+Oh, look. There's Bart. Wave to him.
+Hmm, maybe we should spend more time with Bart. He's becoming isolated and weird.
+I swear I don't know where the bombs are! Only the Miners know that! Maybe this will loosen your tongue! No! Blah!!
+Uh, Bart...?
+Don't turn on that light!!
+Sorry. I just came to see how you were feeling.
+I'm fine. Just fine.
+What are you writing here? A play?
+Uh, no.
+Yuh huh. "Cast of Characters: Viceroy Fizzlebottom, a hearty cherub of a man..."
+Gimme that! It's a work in progress. So. How do you like being Miss Popularity?
+Oh, well, y'know, it ain't so great. Bart, it's the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life! Well, anyway, I brought you a present.
+Look, it's the telescope I won at the Optics Festival.
+There was an Optics Festival and I wasn't informed? You go now.
+What have we here... "The Lighter Side of Hippies". They don't care whose toes they step on. .
+This was a lovely idea, Homie. Come here and kiss me.
+Mmmm....
+Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on. Continue. Come on, aw. All right, Lou, open fire.
+I know, I'll use this to peer into Springfield's seamy underbelly.
+Grace come here. There's a sinister-looking kid I want you to see.
+I'm never ever gonna see anything interesting with this stupid piece of junk.
+That came from Flanders' house.
+Ohmygod! What have I done? I've killed her!
+Can't be what it looks like. This is Flanders we're talkin' about.
+Ah, I'll just watch some TV.
+Now, what you've all been waiting for. Another long "raga" by Ravi Shankar.
+Shankar.
+Shankar. Groovy, man.
+Uh, uh, noo. This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation.
+I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer! I'm a murderer!
+Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
+I'm a murdiddly-erdiler.
+If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework!
+Daddy, where's Mommy? We miss her.
+Mommy had to go away. She's with God, now.
+Yay! Can we go there too?
+Soon enough.
+He's gonna kill Rod and Todd, too... That's horrible. In principle.
+Look, Lisa. I found this change on the bottom of the pool. You can have it.
+Thanks, Nelson.
+Somebody took my juice money.
+Lisa, please join my family for a weekend in the country. There'll be hunting, charades , and ever so many delightful romantic misunderstandings.
+Shut up, brain! I got friends now. I don't need you anymore. Duh, yeah, I'd love to go to your house.
+Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Oh, king, king!
+Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this.
+Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here. I gotta think of a way to get out.
+Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife.
+But why? She's such a fox. I mean, what's on Fox tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.
+I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people. Remember how you got Grampa tarred and feathered?
+Sure. That was twenty minutes ago.
+Gonna be in the tub for awhile.
+Bart, I'm really sorry I've been ignoring you lately. I got carried away with being popular. But now that I'm unpopular again, I want you to know I'm here for you.
+You can start makin' it up to me right now. Flanders is leaving the house. I want you to sneak in there and bring me back some evidence... and something sweet for later.
+Bart, I'm here for you but, I'm not gonna break into somebody's house.
+All right. You're right, you're right. Let's-let's just forget about that. Let me read to you from my play. "Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? Is it St. Swivens day already?" "'Tis," replied Aunt Helga.
+I'm goin', I'm goin!
+A human head!
+Of course. Oh no. He's back. Flanders is back! Lisa, get outta there!
+No, Lisa, don't go upstairs. You'll be trapped!
+An axe! He's got an axe. I'll save you, Lisa!
+Uh... I'll save you by calling the police.
+You see, Marge? You see?
+Hello and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Resc-U-Fone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.
+You have selected "regicide." If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press one...
+I'll save you, cast or no cast!
+Gotta save Lisa, trash can or no trash can!
+Oh no! That sinister- looking kid is coming to kill me. Help! Help!
+MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB / LITTLE LAMB / LITTLE LAMB...
+It's time to put you away.
+Put you away for good.
+Nooooo!
+What the gumdrops is going on, here?
+I came to stop you from murdering Lisa like you murdered your wife.
+Murdered?
+Murdered? Oh no, I've just been in the country for a week.
+But I distinctly heard you say that Maude was with God.
+Oh, that's right. I was at Bible camp. I was learning how to be more judgmental.
+But I saw the murder, and then I saw you bury the corpse in the backyard.
+All right. It's true. I am a murderer. I over-watered Maude's favorite ficus plant, I panicked, and then I buried the remains. I was hoping to replace it before you got home.
+But I heard a woman scream.
+Huh? Well, now that I can't explain.
+We found it, chief.
+Oh, well I guess that explains everything.
+Not everything. There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.
+Um, I'm right here.
+Oh, I see. Then everything is wrapped up in a neat little package. Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.
+More friends! More allies! More, I say! Hang those who talk of less! There's a few inches over here, ho!
+My precious pool, and its lifestyle accoutrements! Nooo!!
+Haw, haw!
+Ah, the gentle caress of a summer breeze.
+THE SUMMER WIND / CAME BLOWING IN / FROM ACROSS THE SEA...
+Lisa, will you keep it down!? I'm making a crank phone call to Principal Skinner.
+Uh, well, as a matter of fact, my refrigerator wasn't running. You spared me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.
+It's my room and I can do what I want.
+Oh, yeah? Well, I can do what I want in my room.
+Bart, quit it!
+I can keep this up all day.
+Lisa, stop the racket. I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Now easy... easy.
+Hm, I'm gonna need a bigger drill.
+My, these seas are certainly heaving.
+Well, no more than your bountiful bosom... M'lady.
+Does that earring mean you're a pirate?
+Kinda... Ahhh, the seas have quieted... And only in the sweet embrace of quietude can two lovers truly be as...
+Ooo, such noise. Ooo, well, I'm done for the evening.
+Lisa, stop blowing my sex! I mean, stop blowing your sax. Your sax. Stop it.
+Mom, I'm auditioning for first chair in the school band and I've got to practice!
+I'm sorry, but I sacrificed a very expensive camera just to get some quiet time.
+Fine. I'll play outside.
+Hey, why that sounds like Gabriel's trumpet. You know what that means, kids?
+Yay! Judgment day!
+Forty-five seconds 'til "pencils-down."
+Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
+Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
+My cat's name is Mittens.
+Threee, twoo, onne and that's "pencils- down."
+Now, here's an oral extra credit question: What was Christopher Columbus actually looking for when he discovered America?
+Ooh! Ooh!
+Anyone besides Lisa for a change?
+Oh! Eh! Eh!
+Ralph, this better not be about your cat.
+Oh, aLl right, Li...
+Columbus was looking for a passage to India.
+Correct, Allison! And on your very first day in our class!
+And during a subsequent voyage, Columbus found what is now the continent of South America.
+Yow-wee.
+I never made Miss Hoover yow-wee.
+Hi, Allison? I'm Lisa Simpson. Oh, it's great to finally meet someone who converses above the normal eight-year-old-level.
+Actually, I'm seven. I was just skipped ahead because I was getting bored with the first grade.
+You're younger than me, too?
+Are you hyperventilating?
+No. I just like to smell my lunch... Gee, I never met anyone who skipped a grade before.
+I'm surprised you haven't been skipped. You're obviously smart enough.
+Well, I'm sure I could have, but I'd hate to leave behind all my wonderful friends.
+Out of the way, brain queen.
+Uh! Hey, Sara! Well, I gotta go. I have to practice for band auditions.
+Me, too! Hey, what instrument do you play?
+The sax.
+Me too!
+I'm going for first chair this year.
+Me, too!
+Wow, with so much in common, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends.
+Me, too.
+Me, too.
+Hurry up and finish eating!
+You're steerin' fine, boy... Hard to the right!
+Hard to the left!
+Cat!... Deer!... Old Man!
+Jackknifed sugar truck. Sugar?
+Don't worry, buddy. Here's a quarter. Call for help at the nearest phone... I'll keep an eye on things here.
+If only this sugar were as sweet as you sir.
+Homer, that was downright decent of you.
+We hit the jackpot, here! White gold! Texas tea... sweetener.
+Dad, isn't this stealing?
+Read your town charter, boy. "If food stuffs should touch the ground, said food stuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot." Since I don't see him around, start shoveling.
+What! What?
+Why am I still rotting away in the second grade instead of being skipped ahead?
+I don't know, honey. I guess that's the school's decision to make.
+Well, did you ever talk to anyone at the school? Make a few calls on my behalf? Maybe you could've been "nicer" to Principal Skinner, if you know what I mean.
+Lisa! I am nice.
+Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.
+It hurts my teeth.
+That's because I've loaded it with sugar!!... Marge, our ship has come in! I found five hundred pounds of sugar -- in the forest -- that I'm gonna sell directly to the consumer. And all for a low, low price of one dollar per pound.
+But the grocery store sells sugar for thirty-five cents a pound.
+And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it...
+Those are prizes. Ooo, a blasting cap!
+It's your turn, Jimbo.
+Hm, someone's been practicing over the summer. Welcome aboard!
+Ow, my lute.
+Um, hum, Lisa Simpson, trying for first chair saxophone.
+Hm, very nice. Now, Allison Taylor, also trying for first chair saxophone.
+Oh ho ho! This is a very tough decision, girls. You're both very good.
+Well, I guess that clinches it...
+Oh, that was a close one, Lisa, but you made it!
+I won first chair?
+No, you regained consciousness... Allison got first chair.
+What's happening... Oh... it was just a dream.
+Oh, that was a close one, Lisa, but you made it!
+I won first chair?
+No, you regained consciousness... Allison got first chair. And believe me, this is not a dream.
+Oh no, not again.
+I need help, Mom. There's another girl at school who's smarter, younger, and a better sax player than me. Oh I feel so average.
+Well, you'll always be number one to me...
+Hell-o. First born within earshot.
+Uh... I meant, my number one girl.
+Oh, for Chri...
+Honey, if you get too competitive you'll never be happy. No matter how good you are there's always gonna be someone better than you. I always thought I had the tallest hair. But that trip to Graceland really opened my eyes.
+But she's better than me at everything that makes me special.
+Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.
+You're thinking of bears, Mom.
+Sugar Man!!
+Door to door sugar? What a marvelous idea! What's that, mother? I'm just talking to the sugar man. Mother, I'm a big boy. I can do as I wish. Excuse me.
+Thanks a lot, Simpson! Now I'm grounded!
+Hey, Allison, what's the answer to number nine?
+I can't tell you, Ralph!
+I can't tell you either, Ralph.
+Leave me alone.
+"Brainiac," "Nerd," "You're such a geek-zoid," etc.
+Leave me alone.
+Ah, that used to be my face in the mud...
+I can't stand to see you so miserable, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress. Hmmm. That gives me an idea.
+Note for later. Put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
+Hey, I know... How about if I dig up some dirt on Allison? Remember how I got Milhouse's picture on America's Most Wanted?
+There he is on the monkey bars.
+Try to take him alive.
+I appreciate the offer, but it goes against every moral fiber in my body.
+Suit yourself. But if you change your mind, here's my card.
+I don't need a card. You live in the room next to me.
+Note: Next year order fewer cards.
+And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
+While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
+Woo hoo! A four day weekend!
+Hey, I am above average! So what if Allison's ahead of me? There's no shame in being second.
+And now, Avis Rent-A-Car is proud to present the second best band in America. Will you welcome Garfunkel, Messina, Oates, and Lisa, singing their number two hit, "Born To Runner Up."
+Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?
+Lis, I did some checkin' on this Allison character and I know it's against all your moral fibers...
+Give it to me! Hey wait, there's nothing bad here.
+Yep, she's clean as a bean. But, I did tip off the Feds as to the whereabouts of our good friend, Milhouse.
+I'm telling you, I didn't do anything.
+I don't care.
+My glasses!
+I've got to stop being so petty. I should be Allison's friend, not her competitor. I mean, she is a wonderful person.
+Way to go, Lis. I mean, why compete with someone who's just gonna kick your butt anyway?
+I prefer my phrasing.
+It's great of you to come over, Lisa. I really want us to be friends.
+You're a wonderful person.
+Goodbye.
+Hi, Lisa. I'm Allison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you.
+Oh really? I...
+Don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram games.
+We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
+Like, oh, I dunno, Alec Guiness.
+Genuine class.
+Very good. All right, Lisa. Jeremy Irons.
+Jeremy's Iron.
+Uh huh. Well, that's very good for a first try. You know, I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.
+What's this?
+Oh, it's for the school diorama competition.
+You're finished already? But the competition isn't for weeks.
+Lisa, we're talking dioramas, who could wait? I chose the "The Telltale Heart," by Edgar Allan Poe. See, this is the bedroom where the old man was murdered. And he's buried here, under the floorboards. And look, I used an old metronome to simulate the heartbeat that drove the killer insane. Neat, huh?
+It's great. It's really great.
+Oh! Got away from you, huh? Well you keep at it.
+Must... protect... sugar... Thieves everywhere... The strong must protect the sweet... the sweet
+In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
+Homer, Homer!
+Huh, wha?
+I want you to forget about guarding this stupid sugar. You're being completely paranoid.
+Oh am I, Am I really?
+All right, pal. Where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
+I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again.
+Homer, when are you gonna give up this crazy sugar scheme?
+Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky-stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson.
+Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?
+Hey! Get off my sugar! Bad bees! Bad!
+Ow! Ow! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
+Look, Bart. It almost killed me, but I hand-crafted all seventy-five characters from Oliver Twist. And now the coup de grace - a bitter snowstorm.
+Is it okay?!
+Well, the important thing is that we survived.
+Oh who am I kidding? There's no way I'm ever gonna beat Allison!
+Well sure there is... ... but it involves being a bit underhanded, a bit devious, a bit, as the French say, "Bartesque."
+I'll do whatever it takes.
+Then welcome to the nether regions of the soul. Now here's what we do. Tomorrow morning when Allison comes out of her house, we spray her with the hose, soaking her from head to toe, leaving us relatively dry.
+Relatively?
+Well, there's bound to be some splashback.
+Bart, her being wet won't help me win the competition.
+Well, we could just sabotage her diorama, humiliating her in front of the students and faculty.
+Perfect!
+Leaving her primed for the most traumatic hose-soaking of her life.
+Enough with the hose!
+Sure is quiet in here today.
+Yes, a little too quiet, if you know what I mean.
+Hm, I'm afraid I don't.
+You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
+Hm, I understand now.
+Oh look, there goes one!
+To the Beemobile!
+You mean your chevy?
+Ah, very clever, Simpson. Luring our bees to your sugar pile and then selling them back to us at an inflated price.
+Bees are on the what, now?
+Simpson, you diobolical... we're willing to pay you two thousand dollars for the swarm.
+Oh, wait a minute. The bees are leaving.
+Nooooooo! My sugar is melting! Melting! Oh what a world!
+Oh sugar!
+I'm sorry, Homie.
+It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
+Ah, Diorama-rama. My favorite school event next to Hearing Test Thursday.
+"The Grapes of Wrath"? I don't get it.
+Here's the grapes. And here's the wrath!!
+Haw, haw!
+Yes, yes. Very good wrath. Ah, let's see, our foreign exchange student, Uter, has chosen "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". Eh... But this is just an empty box!
+I begged you to look at mine first! I begged you!
+Lisa, here is as the French say, "le fake diorama." I'll create a diversion and you make the switch.
+Hey, everybody, whoa, look at me. I'm over here. Turn this way right now.
+Hey, it's Bart!
+And he's doin' stuff.
+Fascinating! Wow! Can't take my eyes off him...etc.
+Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!
+Okay, our next entry is, "The Telltale Heart" from Allison Taylor.
+Mm, I can't wait to see this. Be ready with the ribbon.
+What is it?
+It's a cow's heart. They're trying to make a monkey outta you!
+Allison, is this supposed to be some kind of joke?!
+I didn't do that! I made a different one!
+Oh is that so, young lady? Well, where is this phantom diorama?
+Well, I don't know.
+Ah, at least have the guts to take the blame, girl. You're only compounding your folly by lying about it.
+Right on!
+Young lady, cow hearts belong in a butcher's window, not the classroom. Well, maybe in an older student's biology classroom, but that's none of my business. Elementary school is where I wound up and it's too late to do anything about that. Frankly, I'm starting to regret skipping you ahead.
+It's the beating of that hideous heart! I mean, I think I hear something.
+Why, here's Allison's real diorama. It got misplaced, ...or so it would seem.
+Oh, well, that changes everything. Let's have a look. Get the ribbon ready.
+Oh. A little sterile... no real insight. What do you think, Miss Hoover?
+This has been a very disappointing day. All right, on to Lisa Simpson.
+You're a shoo-in now, Lis.
+After the way I've behaved, I don't deserve to win.
+Well, this doesn't deserve to win.
+Like what?
+Oh noW, we're into the dregs. Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry.
+Prepackaged "Star Wars" characters still in their display box?! Are those the limited edition action figures?
+What's a diorama?
+Why, it's Luke, and Obie-Wan... and my favorite, Chewie. They're all here! What do you think?
+I think it's lunchtime.
+We have a winner!
+I'm really sorry about what I did, Allison. It's no shame being second to you.
+Thank you, Lisa. You know, I'm actually kinda glad I lost. Now I know losing isn't the end of the world. Hey, you still think we can be friends?
+Only if we're the best.
+I beat the smart kids, I beat the smart kids...
+I bent my Wookies!
+Hey, Ralph. Want to come with me and Allison to play anagrams?
+We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
+My cat's breath smells like cat food.
+This romance is so full of heartfelt passion. I can really identify with this corn-fed heroine. Homer. Are you awake? This is important, give me some sign you're awake.
+Wake up!
+Huh? Wuzz wrong? House run away? Dog's on fire?
+Homie, do you think that the romance has gone out of our lives?
+Wake up!
+Marge, it's three a.m. and I worked all day!
+It's nine thirty p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddy pool.
+There you are. Thought you could get away, huh?
+I can hit that one pin all right. But the rest of them don't even wobble.
+You mean "shining."
+Homer, young people learn about love from adults, and we've been setting a terrible example for our children and the community in general. I want us to deal with the issues raised by this book.
+I knew I shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.
+How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?
+It's a new episode.
+Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, and it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.
+Really?
+Ren and Stimpy do it all the time.
+Yes, they do, and when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy? Children, your father and I have fed you and clothed you, but we've neglected something more important. It's time to learn about love.
+No need, Mom. We already learned in school.
+Bo-ring.
+She's faking it.
+I mean romance not love.
+Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney. Homogenized, then sold off piece by piece.
+That's not true. Romance is all around us. In our neighborhoods...
+Even on our jobs...
+All you have to do is think about your most cherished memories.
+Hello, is Al there?
+Yeah, Al. Last name Caholic.
+Lemme check. Phone call for Al, Al Caholic. / Uh, Jacques Strap! / Is I Pee Freely here? / Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual / My Crotch / A Amanda Huggenkiss? / A Huge Ass / "Ivanna Tinkle" / I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
+No, no, no. No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is.
+Mmmm, Chocolate... / Mmmm, invisible cola. / Mmmm, Forbidden donut. / Mmmm sacrilicious. Mmmm, / Mmmm, free goo. Mmmm, something.
+No, think about people. About moments in your life that have been very romantic.
+Oh, okay.
+That's not the idea at all. Okay, well this story isn't ideal, I've never told it to you before.
+I got a very thoughtless birthday present from someone who shall remain nameless.
+So I actually went to the bowling alley to spite him, or her...
+I'm awfully sorry.
+Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you... ... Homer.
+Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.
+Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They are far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball.
+No... no, thank you, Mr... uh... ... Brunswick.
+Call me Jacques.
+Jacques.
+May I ask you a bold question?
+You've never bowled before?
+Then I will teach you.
+Oh, I don't want to trouble you.
+Not at all. I am a professional. Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form.
+All right. But I'm not very good.
+I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up.
+Now, throw!
+Throw, damn you!
+You're a very good teacher!
+Here we are.
+You didn't have to drop me off.
+But I wanted to. Marge... Do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight?
+Oh, Jacques, I'm a married woman.
+I know, I know. My mind says stop, but my heart and my hips cry proceed.
+Marge, darling, I-I want to see you tomorrow. Meet me tomorrow for brunch.
+What's brunch?
+You'd love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.
+Here we are.
+You didn't have to drop me off.
+But I wanted to. Marge... Do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight?
+He seemed to know a lot about brunch. But it turned out he wasn't interested in brunch at all.
+Your laughter is like music to me. But if you laugh at what I say next I will die, for I am about to say something very serious... perhaps shocking. Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again.
+That doesn't shock me.
+Away from prying eyes. At my apartment, the Fiesta Terrace.
+Marge, speak to me.
+Is Thursday okay?
+It's okay indeed.
+Thank goodness I drove down an ironic street.
+I made the right decision to stay with my Homie, and there was no harm done. So if you kind of mentally snip out the part where I already had a husband, that's my idea of romance.
+Happy Valentine's.
+Marge, I want you to stop seeing this Jacque. You can let him down gently. But over the next couple of months, I want you to break it off.
+Okay, Homer.
+Ooh, that was a close one, kids.
+Okay, Marge. As long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own.
+Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new co-worker, Mindy Simmons. I think she has a degree in engineering or something.
+Hi. How's it goin'?
+Pleased to meet ya.
+Yeah, ditto.
+Homer, what's the matter?
+Ain't you ever seen a naked chick ridin' a clam before?
+Gotta go.
+I made it the whole day without seeing her again.
+I mean hello!
+I guess we'll be goin' down together. I mean getting off togeth-- I mean...
+That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator, I mean elevator.
+That's unsexy.
+Well, this is my floor.
+See you tomorrow....
+I tried to avoid her, but we were sent to a nuclear convention in Capital City together...
+TV's there; bathroom's there; and there's your king sized bed for...
+Stop that. I love my wife and family. All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort. That's it.
+Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble.
+Oh, Mindy, we have to fight our temptation.
+No, Homer. Let's do it. Let's call room service!
+Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.
+Well we'll just see about that.
+Fly my pretties! Fly!
+Continue the research.
+Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard!
+Get bent!
+No more Chernobyls!
+Go to hell!
+I was doing my best to resist her...
+But at dinner, the fortune cookie predicted doom.
+This was a really nice night, Homer.
+Yeah, yeah.
+What's wrong?
+Oh yeah. Like you don't know. We're gonna have sex.
+Oh... well, we don't have to.
+Yes we do. The cookie told me so.
+Well, desserts aren't always right.
+But they're so sweet.
+Homer, you know how I feel. So it-it's up to you. Look in your heart. I think you'll see what you want.
+Oh, baby.
+This was a wonderful idea, Homie.
+What happened to Mindy?
+Yes, what did happen to her?
+She hit the bottle pretty hard and lost her job.
+Good. Does anyone else have a love story?
+Yes, I do. And just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings and scars that will never heal.
+It started appropriately enough with an innocent boy being embarrassed on Valentine's Day...
+Poor Ralph.
+Here you go, Ralph.
+You choo choo choose me?
+It was an unusually warm February 14th, so the children walked home without jackets.
+Can I walk you home... valentine?
+Sure, I guess.
+That valentine sure was funny.
+Glad you liked it.
+It says, "choo choo choooose me," and there's a picture of a train.
+Yeah. Nice gag.
+Uh. So... Do you like... stuff?
+The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there.
+Well, here's my house.
+Oh, no. It's a package from Ralph.
+Oh, a Malibu Stacy Convertible! "Look in the tunk." He must mean trunk.
+Tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show!
+It's the Krusty the Clown 29th Anniversary Show!
+Hey! Thank you, thank you.
+Lisa, you want a bite of my ice cream?
+No, thanks.
+Send it this way, boy.
+Whoops.
+Aw. Nothing gets chocolate out. See?
+Now, for my favorite part of the show: Whazzat say? Talk to the audience!? Oh, God, this is always death. All right.
+Oh no. Please don't show me with Ralph.
+What's your name, son?
+And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
+Yes! I love Lisa Simpson and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
+Noooo!!
+Now you listen to me -- I don't like you. I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is 'cause nobody else would!
+Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
+A-a-a-a-and, now.
+Lisa, not all romances turn out that way. Bart, do you have a love story that doesn't end in heartbreak?
+Yes, I do. The only girl I ever loved invited me up to the treehouse. She had something very important to tell me.
+I'm so happy, I just had to tell someone. I have a boyfriend.
+You won't be needing this.
+Wait, that did end in heartbreak. Thanks for opening up old wounds, you ma.
+Well, as Jerry Lee Lewis would say: "There's a whole lotta frowning going on."
+Mom, doesn't any love story have a happy ending?
+Of course. Remember when... Your Aunt Selma got married?
+Hmm, uh, good...
+Soon I will kill you.
+Oh, wait, wait, that's no good. I know, your grandfather.
+It all started on an outing for dinner...
+Say! I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother, and we'll all go out to dinner.
+I'll be back in a jiffy.
+That's not my mother.
+I'll be back in a jiffy.
+Can I come, too?
+They hit it off right away. But there were rivals for the fair lady's hand...
+Oh, my favorite song. This is so nice.
+I can't remember when I felt this young. I really can't.
+Say, sport, mind if I have the next dance?
+Don't sneak up on a...
+No need for the blown gasket, Charlie! I'll have her back in one piece.
+But in the end, just when things looked worse, true love triumphed.
+Do you, Jacqueline Bouvier, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
+Oh, Monty! My favorite song. How did--
+I specifically requested no romantic music! What!
+Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!
+Mrs. Bouvier!
+Honey, are ya sure ya wanna be Mrs. Montgomery Burns? Wouldn't ya rather be Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson?
+I don't want to be either.
+Hot ziggity zam! That's good enough for me!
+That didn't seem like a happy ending.
+That seems more like a detached tale of modern alienation.
+I give up. Did anybody learn anything about love tonight?
+I learned it screws everybody up.
+There's that side of it. But there's also... help me out here, Lisa.
+Sorry, Mom. I've decided to save my love for someone who is guaranteed not to reject me.
+Soon, Corey, soon.
+Well, kids, I tried. Maybe you're right.
+Wait a minute, Marge. Love isn't hopeless. Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject. But there was one time I got it right...
+Gee, Artie. Artie wait. I don't know. I mean, it was it was a beautiful evening. Let's not ruin it.
+Just kiss...
+Artie, please!
+Come on, kiss me.
+No, oh, Artie!
+Please, please.
+Now, really, I mean it. Now stop it!
+I'm sorry, Marge.
+Take me home, Artie.
+Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody about my busy hands. Not so much for myself, but I am so respected it would damage the town to hear it. Good night.
+Yeah, right.
+Shut up. I'm over as far as I can go!
+All right, all right! I'll walk in the mud!
+Yeah, you want a ride?
+You know Homer, when I got home, I realized who I should have gone to the prom with.
+Who? Oh.
+My prom date.
+Marge, pour vous.
+Why so glum?
+I've got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and then I'll never be able to let you go.
+Ah, your first kiss.
+But not the last.
+Mmmm, Homie...
+See kids, that's what I meant by romance.
+Thanks, kids. Now we'd like to speak to you seriously for a moment.
+Yep. This week is the grand opening of Itchy and Scratchy Land. The violentest place on earth.
+And to celebrate, for this week only, we're cutting ticket prices in half.
+Kids, you heard the cartoon rat. If you haven't already run to your parents begging to go, do it now. You won't be missing anything funny. I'll just be sitting here reading this grown-up's newspaper.
+Go now!
+Dad! Remember how you said that going to Itchy and Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive?
+Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got. Fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner except for this guy.
+But now Itchy & Scratchy Land is cutting ticket prices in half. Can we go, Dad? Can we can we can we, take it, Lis.
+Can we?
+Yayyyyyy!
+No no no no no no no no no. Ask your mother.
+Mom! Guess what!
+We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
+No, I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.
+It's shaped like a diner. And it's on this really tall pole.
+Mom! Dad! Bart's dead!
+That's right, dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land.
+You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't just for kids. They have a place called Parents Island.
+Yeah. "Dancing, bowling, fashionable shops, over one hundred bars and saloons, and a world class chemical dependency center."
+TV Town! Hammock Land!
+Oooh. Recipe-related bumper cars.
+Yayyyy!
+Now wait a minute. I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation, I end up being horribly embarrassed, we end up in a big fight, and we come home more miserable than when we left. You have to promise me that this isn't going to happen this time.
+Embarrassed? What are you talking about?
+Well, there was our trip to the Amish Country...
+Oh yes.
+Hey, look Marge! They're still not fightin' back! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me! Hee hee hee hee!
+Even worse was our trip to Sandy Beach.
+Suckers.
+Shark-boy!
+This year I want us to do things together as a family and get a lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation.
+Don't worry, Mom. We'll make you proud of us.
+Lobster hat... Fishnet Speedo, Jr... Wheelie Shoes... invisible dog leash. Well, I'm packed.
+...and remember, every morning give one bowl of kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
+No! I ain't senile, dad-blast it!
+Okay, bye-bye / Bye / Bye, Grampa.
+Wait a minute. What was that last thing you said? Grampa's Little Helper? What's that?
+Which one of you is the mailman?
+Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever, or we all agree to disband and join other families.
+Agreed.
+Ah, the Interstate. Fasten your seatbelts, kids. We're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
+Don't worry, I've got an ace up my sleeve.
+Dad, can we stop at Flickey's?
+Omigod! What'll I do? What'll I do?
+What's the matter with you, Homer? We don't have any fruits or vegetables in the car.
+The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge.
+Got any fruits or vegetables?
+Hey, Mr. Wimbly, it happened again.
+Now, to absorb some local color through the magic of AM radio.
+The Book of Revelations tells us to watch for the Seven Signs of Evil...
+Sign of Evil number four...
+Continuing our Sign of Evil countdown... here's Vanessa Williams.
+Haven't we stood in five different states long enough?
+Don't mind if I do.
+We'd better find a motel and stop for the night.
+We don't need to do that, Marge. I'm not tired. I'm not tired at all.
+Whew. I'm glad that wasn't us.
+"North." "South." Nuts to this! I'm going to take a shortcut.
+Homer, no. You're going to get lost.
+Trust me, Marge. With today's modern cars you can't get lost. What with all the silicon chips and such.
+All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again.
+Now remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.
+We're now approaching our final destination: Itchy and Scratchy Land, the amusement park of the future, where nothing can possi-blygo wrong.
+Possibly go wrong. Uh, that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.
+One adult and four children.
+Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy Money?
+What's that?
+It's money that's made just for the park. It works just like regular money, but it's um, fun.
+Do it, Dad.
+Well, okay. If it's fun. Let's see...
+I'll take eleven hundred dollars worth.
+Cool! / Neat-o!
+Such a violent motif.
+Yeah, but it's just pretend violence, which is actually beneficial for children.
+Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech.
+There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned about violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify.
+When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe. But in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably.
+Just like in real life. Hey look over there!
+I'll have the brain burger with extra pus, please.
+Eyeball stew.
+Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.
+I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.
+Oh, I see. All right. I'll have the baby guts.
+Lady, you disgust me.
+Mom, that's veal.
+You're sure she'll have fun here?
+Oh, of course. Babies love the ball room.
+Tortureland, Explosion Land, Searing Gas Pain Land, Unnecessary Surgery Land...
+Oh look! It's the twelve noon robot parade! Hurry up or we'll have to wait for the twelve-oh-five parade.
+Wow, this is so much like my dreams it's scary.
+Awww, look at that cute little baby axe.
+It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp, and probably dirty.
+Dirty, maybe... dangerous, hardly. These are the latest state-of-the-art animatronic robots. They have sensors that ensure they only attack each other, never the guests.
+See all that stuff in there, Homer? That's why your robot never worked.
+This is just what I was hoping for. Spending the day together as a family.
+Ah, you know, part of spending time together as a family is spending time apart as individuals.
+Parents Island?
+Yuh-huh. I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when we meet up at dinner. Are you kids gonna be alright?
+It is the '70s! Right down to the smallest detail!
+Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.
+Yeah. Looks like.
+Look at all this great stuff, Lis. Cool, personalized plates.
+Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort?! Aw, c'mon, Bort?
+Mommy, mommy, buy me a license plate!
+No. Come along, Bort.
+Are you talking to me?
+No. My son is also named Bort.
+Who are all these characters?
+Well you're probably too young to remember the short-lived Itchy & Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Clam...
+Oh yeah. They weren't very funny.
+I don't know, Disgruntled Goat had his moments.
+Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Years Eve. Here we go again - three, two, one...
+It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over.
+Please kill me.
+The babies look unhappy.
+Add more balls.
+Roger Meyers Sr., the gentle genius behind Itchy and Scratchy, loved and cared about almost all the peoples of the world. And he in return was beloved by the world, except in 1938 when he was criticized for his controversial cartoon "Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors."
+Thank you!
+Among his proudest achievements was the full length musical, "Scratchtasia."
+Hey Maw, I'm gonna get me a picture of this crazy critter.
+No flash photography, please.
+Roger Meyers' next full length feature was the wildly successful, "PinItchio".
+Now you be a good, PinItchio, and don't you lie.
+I promise I will never hurt you.
+I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us?
+Wanna get a snow cone?
+So, Mr. Itchy. You think you're God's gift to women, do ya?
+Don't do it, Bart.
+I just wanted to entertain!
+Can you believe I keep gettin' away with this... Officer?
+Mop and bucket man to the exit of the "Nauseator."
+We have another jumper on the roof of T.G.I. McSCRATCHY'S.
+We need more "Bort" license plates in the gift shop. I repeat, we are sold out of "Bort" license plates.
+I really wish they wouldn't scream.
+I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the butt.
+Yeah. There's just no way to resist it, is there?
+I want all five T-shirts to say, "Best vacation ever."
+Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.
+I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.
+Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
+I'm so embarrassed. I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
+Okay, throw her in the hole.
+Stay away from me, Homer!
+You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
+How much time do we have, Professor?
+Well according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least twenty-four hours.
+Uh, I forgot to uh, carry the one.
+I have nothing to say to you.
+But Marge, I was a political prisoner.
+How were you a political prisoner?
+I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram?
+Oh for gosh sakes, what now?
+Hey look, this one's coming on to me.
+Yoo hoo, Mr. Robot...
+Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your friend.
+Lisa, don't contradict your elders.
+My hair! You chopped off my hair! Oh God I'm ugly!
+I knew we should have gone to the bird sanctuary.
+I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's too big.
+A chopper, we're saved!
+Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent ya.
+Oh my, it looks like we're doomed!
+Back you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me. And maybe the boy.
+Dad, the flash must have scrambled their circuits.
+What're you, the narrator?
+Just keep taking pictures.
+I'll get more cameras!
+Smashie, smashie.
+I don't approve of that.
+Sideshow Bob! I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies.
+Hey, mouse! Say cheese. Hmm... with a dry, cool wit like that I could be an action hero.
+Die, bad robots, die! With a dry, cool wit like that I could be an action hero.
+Who would've thought that our visit to Itchy and Scratchy Land would turn out to be our best vacation ever.
+Yeah, best ever.
+Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed, not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered.
+But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation. It brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors, and we have so many memories.
+You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever. Now, let us never speak of it again.
+As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes.
+But there are five of us.
+Here are two free passes.
+That's better.
+Man, if this is happening here, I-I hate to think what's happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land.
+Hello! Itchy and Scratchy land open for business. Who are you to resist it, huh? C'mon! My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine!
+I hope you realize now that violence on TV may be funny, but it's not so funny when that violence is happening to you.
+But it would be funny to someone who was watching us.
+No, Mom. He's right. Observe.
+Oh my. Lisa, go to your room.
+NO SPORTS, NO ROCK, NO INFORMATION / FOR MINDLESS CHATTER, WE'RE YOUR STATION!
+KBBL Talk Radio. And now, Springfield's favorite conservative, and author of the well-selling book "Only Turkeys Have Left Wings," ladies and gentlemen, Birch Barlow!
+Ugh. That Barlow's a right-wing crackpot! He said Ted Kennedy lacked integrity. Can you believe that?!
+Yeah, switch the station. I consider myself politically correct, and his views make me uncomfortable.
+Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, guys. Now, I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit "fruit-y" -- but, for some reason, this Birch Barlow really speaks to me...
+Good morning, fellow freedom-likers. Birch Barlow, the fourth branch of government, the fifty-first state. You know, there are three things we're never gonna get rid of here in Springfield. One: the bats in the Public Library...
+Two: Mrs. McFearly's compost heap.
+And three: our six-term mayor, the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking Spend-o-crat -- Diamond Joe Quimby!
+Hey, I am no longer illiterate.
+Now why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, o reasonable listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed tree huggers who would rather play hackey-sack than lock up the homeless.
+This sounds awfully controversial. Lisa, you know I don't like controversy in this house.
+I don't like him either Mom, but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project.
+You think you're so big 'cause your class always gets to do projects. Well, um... I'm doing a school project on, uh, fireworks!
+Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that.
+...and uh this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.
+Now, as a special send-off and a way to say "Gung hay fat choy" to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display!
+All week he promise big firework display!
+Bad student.
+Bad principal.
+...so my friends, let's just junk those Dumb-o-crats and their bleeding heart smell-fare program!
+Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else?
+When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station.
+I can't take this anymore. Let's switch back.
+Alright my friends, now let's go to the phones. First up is Bob, from South Springfield. Welcome to you, sir.
+Hello, Birch. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the "public" back to the Re"public"an party! It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hate-mongers and Charlie Bible-thumps, or even -- God forbid -- George Bushes!
+That sounds like Sideshow Bob!
+Yes, ma'am. Sideshow Bob. Yakkin' it up on the ol' yak-box.
+Dad, I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is.
+Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery and Bart got him put in jail.
+Uh-huh.
+When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her.
+Oh, Sideshow Bob.
+Bart! Your mortal enemy is on the radio!
+It's time for more deeee-mentia with Dr. Demento!
+And now the "Funny Five..."
+I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.
+What's in it for us?
+Yeah, give us something we like, or we'll ride ya out of town on a rail!
+Well uh, what do you, er, people like?
+Sexy dames, and plenty of 'em!
+Matlock!!
+Well, uh, I suppose I could name it the uh, "Matlock Expressway."
+...but it would be terribly myopic of me to blame all my current woes on one spikey-haired little simpleton.
+Mm hm. Myopic, or to say the least, intransigent. Now, you mentioned some "woes" there...
+Well -- you see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated.
+Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. "Attempted" murder. Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for "Attempted" Chemistry? Do they --
+Oh really, now! This is a personal call!
+Now, m-m-my Friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here railroaded by our liberal justice system -- just like Colonel Oliver North, Officer Stacey Koon, and cartoon smokesperson Joe Camel. Well, I've had it!!
+I am gonna make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free!
+Nooooo!!
+Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free Democratic elections.
+My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail!
+All right, you heard the man. One grenade each.
+Moe, I think he meant through non-violent grass-roots political action.
+Aw, geez... really ya think so? All right, give 'em back. Come on, everybody give 'em back.
+Hey, hey, who pulled the pin on this one?
+Free Bob! Free Bob!
+Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say I don't also blow.
+By special order of the Mayor of Springfield, you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon. Congratulations, Robert Onderdonk Terwilliger.
+Boat's on the other side.
+Yes! Thank you!
+Hail, brothers! Quoronon cillairia ozu mahoq!
+Mahoq! Mahoq!
+Now, then. Gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us and if we hope to defeat this Joe Quimby we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy. A true leader who will do exactly as he's told.
+Monty, I'm way ahead of you. If you'll just open that door you'll see the next mayor of Springfield.
+Whu'd it say?
+No, no. Bob! Bob, come in!
+A fine "Mahoq" to you all.
+Why, he's even better.
+I agree. I like the human touch.
+Now, students, I want you to be on your best behavior for this carefully-choreographed media event. Now this means there is to be no wising-off, no face-making, and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph.
+Yes, sir.
+Hello, children. Hello, Bart.
+Young friends, my opponent Joe Quimby is confused about your school system. Do you know what he does? He flip-flops.
+Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.
+He wants to sell your future short!
+Hmm. Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight. We're gonna have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.
+I can do that.
+Ack! Help! I'm being attacked by uh things!
+It's the Rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!
+Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have!
+More important than coal?
+Er, uh, er yes.
+Ohh, that was a big mistake, Bart! No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it!
+Stay out of Riverdale!
+WITHOUT A MAYOR QUIMBY / OUR TOWN WOULD REALLY STINK! / WE WOULDN'T HAVE A TIRE YARD / OR A MID-SIZE ROLLER RINK! / WE WOULDN'T HAVE OUR GALLOWS / OR OUR SHINY BIGFOOT TRAPS! / IT'S NOT THE MAYOR'S FAULT / THAT THE STADIUM COLLAPSED.
+Quimby. If you were running for Mayor, he'd vote for you.
+Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee.
+Hey, Four-eyes! Vote Quimby! Hey, Beard-o! Vote Quimby!
+This time, he's the lesser of two evils.
+Uh, yeah, yeah. I love Grimby. Uh, could I have some more bumper stickers, please dude?
+All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!
+What's haaappening?!
+That Quimby fella promised to build us a Matlock Expressway! How you gonna top that, smart guy?
+Hmm. Oh how's this? I'll not only build the Expressway, I will spend the remainder of this afternoon patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes.
+Hot ziggity zam! Me first! Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield. Warn't much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A" he'd say, then "B"; "C" would usually follow...
+Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for Mayor.
+The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield Mayoral Debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now, a word to our audience: Even though we're being broadcast on Fox, there is no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.
+I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.
+I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there.
+Don't worry. He's taken a million of these capsules.
+Sideshow Bob: Councilman Les Wynan says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that?
+I'd say that Les Wynan ought to do more thinkin' and less whinin'!
+There's no Councilman Les Wynan.
+Good line, though.
+Mayor Quimby, you are well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths. You try to open the door -- but there's too much blood on the knob--
+What is your question?
+My question is about the budget, sir...
+Hmm. I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy.
+Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man, I'm achin' for that upper-class tax cut.
+And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob -- one hundred per cent. For Joe Quimby -- one per cent. And we remind you there is a one per cent margin of error.
+All right let's go, live, to Bob Headquarters now, for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.
+And just look how happy he is!
+So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway.
+Now, I am a fair man. You will have seventy-two hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.
+Homer, we've got to stop them.
+I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigajer. And no one in my family's gonna stand for it!
+Move your god darned house, Son!
+Bart, by special request of the Mayor's office, you are going to be left back.
+You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade?
+Well, yes... but, not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.
+Kindergarten?
+Now boys and girls, who knows what this is?
+Triangle.
+Very good, Bart. You have first choice of toys for free play.
+Cool! I call the Flintstone Phone!
+Yabba dabba doo! I like talking to you!
+We're gonna lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls.
+I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few.
+Here you go. The results of last month's mayoral election. All forty-eight thousand voters and who each one of them voted for.
+I thought this was a secret ballot.
+Okay, Aaron A. Aaronson voted for... Bob. Aaron L. Aaronson voted for... Bob. Arthur B. Ablabab voted for... Bob.
+So whoever it is who wrote that note wants to meet us here tonight?
+This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein!
+Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics.
+Stuck-up Riverdale punks. Think they're too good for me.
+You're on the right track. Follow the names.
+How the hell do you know?
+I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign.
+Hey, Mr. Smithers!
+Well, you might as well give me a ride home now!
+I've never gone behind Mr. Burns' back before, but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views conflict with my, choice of lifestyle.
+All I can do is give you one name. Edgar Neubauer. Find him and you'll find your answer.
+No Edgar Neubauer.
+This is hopeless. They're gonna demolish our house for sure. We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6.
+But dad can't afford six dollars a night.
+Heyyy...
+Lis! Lis! C'mere! I found him! I found Edgar Neubauer!
+Oh my God! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!
+No, Bart, don't you see? Dead people can't vote!
+Look! Prudence Goodwyfe, died 1641. She voted for Bob, too! So did Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper!
+Even the pet cemetery voted for Bob! Look! Mr. and Mrs. Bananas! Humphrey Boa-gart!
+Oh, my poor dead kitty! Please, not you too!
+All right, Bob! Now it's personal!!
+Hey, uh, he did try to kill me...
+Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
+No, I did not.
+Kids, help.
+Oh, I don't mind. We want these children to feel justice has been served. That way, they can sleep soundly tonight on their hard, feculent motel pillows. Well, Bart, Lisa, here I am.
+I have a plan. I think we can trap him.
+You know, Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent...
+Indeed I am.
+Because we all know you're a naive pawn, puppet, if you will, of the most diabolical political genius Springfield has ever known -- Birchibald T. Barlow!
+You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you?
+You were just Barlow's lackey!
+You were Ronnie to his Nancy!
+Sonny to his Cher!
+Ringo to his rest of the Beatles!
+Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all!
+There! Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?!
+We want the truth!
+You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!
+Would you get to the point?
+Yes. Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud. And I have the records to prove it! Here, just look at these! Each one a work of Machiavellian art!
+But why?
+Because you need me, Springfield! Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! That's why I did this -- to protect you from yourselves! Now, if you don't mind, I have a city to run.
+Bailiffs! Place the Mayor under arrest!
+What? Oh, yes. All that stuff I did...
+Bart! We did it! Now we get to keep our house, and you get to go back to fourth grade!
+Boy, you read my thoughts! You've got the "shinning."
+Aww. Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.
+The spoon, Bart.
+Of course!
+Someday, I'll have my vengeance. Someday, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool...
+Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie.
+Bob, come along! We need an eighth to row against the Princeton alums!
+Princeton?
+Row. Row. Row.
+Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
+Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
+Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there, again.
+When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
+Oh no! We left Grampa back at the gas station.
+What about Grampa?
+"Hello." "We're here." "Hi." etc.
+Oh goody, the Sea Monkeys I ordered have arrived. Look at them cavort and caper.
+Sir, they're the new winter caretakers for the lodge.
+Yes, they work hard and they play hard.
+This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of satanic rituals, witch burnings, and five John Denver Christmas Specials.
+John Denver.
+Hmm, that's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.
+Hey, I found a short cut through your hedgemaze.
+Now, now. Go easy on the wee one. His father's gonna go crazy and chop them all into haggis.
+What's haggis?
+Shhh! You wanna' get sued? Now look, boy. If your Da' goes ga-ga, you just use that "shin" of yours to call me and I'll come a-runnin'. But don't be readin' my mind between four and five. That's Willie's time.
+Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes.
+Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
+Hmm, perhaps. Tell you what. We come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a coke.
+Hm, cable's out... Think I'll have a beer.
+Hm, not a drop in the house. What do you know?
+Homer, I'm impressed. You're taking this quite well.
+I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!
+Sorry, sorry. Don't worry, there's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I'll check out that axe collection. See ya later.
+Mom, is Dad gonna kill us?
+We're just gonna have to wait and see.
+So what'll it be, Homer?
+Moe! Give me a beer!
+No. Not unless you kill your family.
+Why should I kill my family?
+Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
+You don't look so happy.
+Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. See? Now waste your family and I'll give you a beer!
+Homer! Homie? Hm... what he's typed will be a window into his madness.
+Feelin' fine, well, that's a relief.
+This is less encouraging.
+So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV and No Beer Make Homer..." something something.
+Go crazy?
+Gimme the bat, Marge. Gimme the bat! Gimme the bat! C'mon, gimme the bat. Gimme the bat ba-bat!
+Heh-heh. Scaredy-cat...
+You stay here 'til you're no longer insane. Mmmm, chili would be good tonight.
+Homer, it's Moe. Ah, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
+Can't murder now. Eating.
+Oh, for cryin' out loud.
+Heeeeere's Johnny.
+Daaaa-vid Lettermaaaan!
+Hi David, I'm Grampa.
+I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Morley Safer. And I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on "60 minutes."
+Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over.
+Oh, well thank God that's over. I was worried there for a second.
+No answer.
+Don't worry, Mom. I can use my "shinning" to call Willie.
+And that was the first time she'd ever flown a plane.
+Uh oh. The little fat boy an' his family're in trouble.
+I'm comin' to rescue the lot o' ya.
+All right, looney! Show me what ya got.
+Heh, is that the best you can do?
+Oh my, I hope that rug was Scotchguarded.
+Must kill family. .
+...have been given rifles, but no ammunition. Reportedly there was a hardware store along the...
+Dad, look!
+Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
+Urge to kill fading, fading...
+Fading... Rising!
+...Fading, fading, gone.
+Come, family, sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing, warming glow.
+Live from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards! With your hosts, Tyne Daly and Hal Linden.
+Homer, change channel!
+Can't. Frozen.
+One!...
+ONE / SINGULAR SENSATION...
+Urge to kill rising.
+Y'know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles but sitting here now with you and the kids, in our cozy home in this beautiful, free country, it just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.
+Dad!! Your hand is jammed in the toaster!!
+Dad!! Daaadd!! Homer!!
+Get it off! Get it off! Get it offf!!
+Dad, it's in there again!
+This shouldn't be too hard to fix, with the right tools.
+There! Better than new! Now to take her for a test toast.
+What the-?
+Look at that! I'm the first non- Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!
+Correction, Homer, you're the second.
+That's right, Mr. Peabody.
+Quiet, you.
+I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos. OK. Don't panic. Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day...
+If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything, because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
+Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future.
+Stupid bug. You go squish now.
+But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right?
+Phew. I'm back.
+Oh, my loving family. Nothing's changed.
+Hidilly ho, slave-a-reenos.
+Okilly dokilly.
+Hey, what the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV?
+Oh, I see by the big board we've got a Negative Nellie in Sector Two. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the whole family to kinda freeze and prepare for re-Neducation.
+Don't you remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world.
+Okay, everybody. Let's see some big smiles.
+Just relax, let the hooks do their work.
+What the hell are you smiling at?
+Now, in case all that smilin' didn't cheer ya up, there's one thing that never fails. A nice glass of warm milk, a little nap, and a total frontal lobotomy.
+It's not so bad, Homer. They go in through your nose. And they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out.
+Look. Oooo, hello. Hello there. Who's that big man there? Who's da?
+Join us, Father.
+It's Bliiiiisssss.
+Nooooo!
+Oh no! They're gaining on me. Wait, I have an idea.
+These wieners will give me the quick energy I need to escape.
+I gotta go back... Fix future...
+This time I'm not gonna touch a thing.
+Mustn't crush. Mustn't kill. Made it!
+Oh, I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish.
+Hey, where is everybody?
+Hey, there's a bug that looks like dad. Let's kill it.
+This is gonna cost me.
+I mean, Heeeyy.
+Good morning, father dear. Hope you're well.
+Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
+Hmm. Fabulous house. Well-behaved kids. Sisters-in-law dead. Luxury sedan. Woo hoo! I hit the jackpot. Marge, dear. Would you kindly pass me a donut?
+"Donut?" What's a donut?
+Hmph. It's raining again.
+You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I tell...
+This is indeed a disturbing universe.
+Don't touch anything?!! I'll... touch... whatever... I... feel like!!
+Foolish earthling. Totally unprepared for the effects of time travel.
+What happened to us, Kodos?
+Quiet you.
+Good morning, dear.
+What's my name?! What color is the sky?! What of donuts? WHAT?! For the love of God, tell meeeee!!!
+Homer! The sky is blue. Donuts are plentiful. Friday is TGIF night on ABC. What's gotten into you?
+Nothing. Nothing at all. Let's just eat.
+Eh. Close enough.
+Hey everybody! Let's all turn our desks backwards before Mrs. Krabappel shows up!
+Yeah / Cool / Great idea/ etc.
+Alright, backwards boy. Back your butt down to detention.
+Over here, Simpson! The detention room is dangerously overcrowded, so you'll be serving your time in the cafeteria.
+Oxygen running out...
+Yes, you should have thought of that before you made that paper airplane.
+This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical. It's a powder keg waiting to go off in an explosion of unacceptable behavior.
+Don't bitch to me, boss man. Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using grade F meat.
+Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were some sort of common solution to both our problems?
+That would be great!
+Hey, Bart, watch this.
+Oh no! My favorite outfit!
+Jimbo, this is by far the worst...
+Hmmm. Uh, Jimbo, why don't you "assist" Lunchlady Doris in the kitchen.
+Bite me, Skinner.
+Well might we.
+It's hard for me to clean this giant pot when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me.
+Oh great, now I gotta work in the dark.
+Mmmm. Mm-mmm. This sandwich tastes so young and impudent. Seymour, what's with the good grub?
+Hmmm. Well, perhaps I ought to let you folks in on a secret. Do you remember me telling Jimbo Jones that I'd make something of him one day?
+Are you saying you killed Jimbo, processed his carcass, and served him for lunch?
+Hmm, I wonder where Jimbo is today. He should've beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago.
+Frau Lunchlady, please to have another Sloppy Jimbo. Das is good, nein?
+Now, that's your third helping, young man. It's making you fat and soft... and tender. Hmmm... Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter.
+For how long?
+Oh about seven minutes a pound should do it.
+Okay, I got your German grub right here.
+Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called Uterbräten?
+Oh relax, kids. I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere. After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter and he's in our stomachs right now. Wait. Scratch that.
+Mom! Mom! You've gotta help! They're cooking kids in the school cafeteria!
+Listen, kids. You're eight and ten years old now. I can't be fighting all your battles for you.
+But Mom!
+No buts. You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye and say "don't eat me."
+Since so many students have been put on "permanent detention" , we've merged everyone into a single class. I trust there are no objections?
+Detention.
+Uhm, uh..psst-- hey you guys, I was just thinkin' that any one of us could be next, so what d'ya say we make a break for it?
+Easy there, young man. You'll only make yourself tired and stringy.
+Now to check on the free-range children.
+Hold on kids! I'm comin' to rescue the lot of ye! I'll ju-
+Oww! Ach, I'm bad at this.
+I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.
+Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us.
+Nevertheless, I remain confident that something will come along and save the two Simpson children.
+Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of -- except that fog that turns people inside out.
+Uh oh, it's seeping in! Stupid cheap weather stripping.
+CHORUS LINE OF PEOPLE / DANCIN' TILL THEY MAKE US STOP /
+MANY DANCING PEOPLE/ COVERED WITH BLOODY GLOP.../
+JUST ONE SNIFF OF THAT FOG AND YOU'RE INSIDE OUT / IT'S WORSE THAN THAT FLESH EATING VIRUS YOU'VE READ ABOUT....
+VITAL ORGANS / THE FAMILY DOG IS EYEING BART'S INTESTINE/ HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
+Remember Bart, I mean, "Dances in Underwear," we take the white man alive.
+All right, "Thinks Too Much," it shall be so.
+Keep your eyes peeled for Injuns... I mean Native Americans. They're after us because we gave them those blankets infected with cooties.
+I ate all my caps.
+Throw down your weapons and kiss the prairie, cowdorks.
+Why do we have to play this corny old game anyway? I brought my jacks.
+I got twosies!
+That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Killmatic 3,000 back then.
+Hey, records from that era are spotty at best.
+Bart! Lisa! Time for church.
+Milhouse, time for church.
+Shlomo, time for your violin lesson.
+Why the crap do we have to go to church, anyway?
+You just answered your own question with that commode mouth. Besides, you kids need to learn morals and decency, and how to love your fellow man.
+And with flaming swords the Aramites did pierce the eyes of their fellow men and did feast on what flowed forth. Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lust of or flesh...
+I'M A TROLL MAN / DA DA DA DA DA DA DA/ I'M A TROLL MAN...
+I don't want you playing with something that has such bizarre hair. Awful, awful hair.
+And now my daughter Jessica, who has just returned from boarding school, will read the same passage I just read. I noticed a few of you weren't paying attention.
+Wow, there is a God.
+I'm tellin' you, the light would work better if it pointed out to sea.
+Arrr! Shut up, I know what I'm doin'.
+I hate the sea and everything in it!
+Bye, b-bye, b-bye... Thank you for choosing our church... B-Bye...
+I've never felt this way about a girl before. My long search is finally over.
+Hi. I'm Bart Simpson. I was incredibly moved by your reading. I don't think God's words have ever sounded so plausible.
+Thanks, Art. Um, I have to go over here now.
+Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
+Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes, day in, day out, for the last four years?
+You're bad, Bart Simpson.
+No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy.
+Good... very good... Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels.
+Bart Simpson?
+Yes Ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please.
+But Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy, we were happy, everybody was happy, particularly the hamster.
+I've changed my ways. Please give me another chance, ma'am.
+All right, Bart, the Bible does teach forgiveness... Class, I want you to welcome back our prodigal son.
+Prodigal wha? / Who? / Huh? / What's prodigal mean?
+Oh dear.
+You know, the great thing about Sunday school is we're finally learning something we can use.
+Yeah, so true. I have to turn my chair this way now.
+Somehow I gotta convince her I'm a good person. All right, I have to sit here and behave no matter what.
+Okay, class. We have a special treat today for pass-around -- a replica of the slingshot David used to slay Goliath... While you kids are looking at that, I'll just busy myself in this file cabinet.
+Must... fight... Satan. Make it... up to him... later.
+You know I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up.
+Do you ever think anything you don't say?
+There is just no pleasing a girl like that. All that unnecessary behaving... I'm all tensed through the chestal area. I need relief.
+Now that kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.
+Ah, 'tis no more than what God gave me, you Puritan pukes!
+That'll hold me. At least 'til I get my hands on some kind of explosives.
+No I'm not. I'm really...
+Congratulations, Simpson. You just fell for our sting and won yourself three months detention. There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest.
+There's not? You used me Skinner! You used me!
+Three months .
+Hi, Bart. I saw the way they set you up. That was really unfair.
+Wanna have dinner at my house tonight?
+Really? Uh, sure.
+Great. We eat at seven.
+There's only one thing to do at a moment like this... strut.
+I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first date. SUNRISE, SUNSET / SUNRISE, SUNSET / CAT'S IN THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON / YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS!
+Oh that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he?
+No, it's not that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas. They have no bananas today.
+So Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.
+Well, in my family, grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts.
+Six times five, what is it?
+Um, actually, numbers don't have much use in my future career. Olympic gold medal rocket sled champ.
+Hm, I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event.
+Well no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.
+Young man, explain yourself.
+Sorry, I have kind of a short fuse, which some find charming. Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night, I heard a rather amusing story... This character named Martin was feeling rather randy and he was heard to remark...
+And don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt".
+But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but...
+Make him stop! Make him stop!
+Yes you are. You're bad, and I like it.
+I'm bad to the bone, honey.
+Let's go find some fun.
+But your father said...
+Oh, I told the "Rev" I was going to my room to say my prayers.
+Smart, beautiful, and a liar! So much better than that Sarah, plain and tall.
+Right there, put it right there. Oh, excellent. You're incredible, Jessica. Your throws, your catches, your spirals, your loops, it's like the toilet paper is an extension of your body.
+No way would a minister's daughter go out with you.
+Oh yeah? I'll prove it.
+Hey, Jessica.
+Yes? Am I supposed to know you?
+Jessica we just...
+That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name!
+I'm sorry, Bart -- you know my parents can't find out about us. And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting.
+I guess.
+Hey, you want to go skateboarding?
+Um, actually, I was hoping I could sit down for just a second.
+Come on, it'll be fun.
+Wow. Now I have the energy to do anything!
+Just give me two minutes.
+Jessica, I think this is too steep.
+Bart, you can't trust your perception at this altitude.
+Actually, if the road surface maintains its integrity, I just might be able to hold on.
+Oh, the glue will slow me down.
+Any glue leaking?
+No. That glue ain't goin' nowhere.
+Nothin's ever gonna stop me.
+Ah, no. There goes the glue, after all!
+Nooooo!
+Fun, huh?
+Have you noticed any change in Bart?
+New glasses?
+No. He looks like something might be disturbing him.
+Probably misses his old glasses.
+I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities. But then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
+Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
+That's not what I meant.
+It was, Marge. Admit it.
+Uh, we should get to class.
+What's the hurry?
+We could get in trouble for being late.
+Ah, you worry too much. Now come on, if you stay here awhile, I'll let you hold my hand.
+Team work! C'mon Bart!
+If I don't sae the wee turtles, who will?!
+Agh! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me! Aah!
+I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought Jessica was so sweet.
+She's like a Milk Dud, Lis. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
+You gotta give her up.
+No, no, wait. Hear my plan. I put up with her for seven more years. Then, we'll get married. Once the first baby comes along, she's bound to settle down and start treatin' me right. After all, I deserve it.
+Bart, it's naive to think you can change a person. Except maybe that boy who works in the library.
+Do you have Go Dog Go?
+That's in juvenile. This is young adult.
+Well read and just a little wild. If only someone could tame him.
+You're right, Lisa -- love isn't about fixing someone. I'm just going to give her up cold turkey. I'm not gonna talk to her or see her. It's over. Thanks for the advice, sis.
+There. If I can just get through this many days without seeing her, she should be completely out of my system. Okay, day one.
+Time for church, Bart. I bet your little friend Jessica will be there.
+Jessica...
+Bart, be strong. You don't need that little hell cat.
+Oh Lis, she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song.
+That's very disturbing.
+Hey, Bart. What? What's wrong?
+Well, Jessica, I don't think we should hang out together anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.
+Oh good, here comes the collection plate.
+Thirty cents off Shake 'n Bake. Homer!
+We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed.
+You're right about everything, Bart. I have been too reckless. From now on I am going to settle down.
+Jessica, what are you doing!
+It takes money to start a new life.
+But stealing from the collection basket is really wrong. Even I know that.
+Oh, fine. You just lost your cut.
+I'll just take that . Everyone, turn around and look at this!
+What is it, a Unitarian?
+The collection money is gone! / That awful boy must have stolen it!
+Took the money. Yes, we know.
+He confessed!
+Stop him! He's headed for the window!
+Son, if you can look me in the eye and say you didn't take the collection money, that's all I need.
+I didn't take it.
+Why you little... How can you look me in the eye and lie like that?!
+Homer, stop that. I believe him.
+Tell me, if he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
+That's what he wore to church.
+Ooo, how convenient.
+Bart honey, do you know who did take the money?
+See, son? Telling the truth isn't so bad.
+Stealer of money from the church collection plate!
+We've gotta talk.
+Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet.
+Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward.
+Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward.
+That doesn't make any sense.
+All right, then I just don't feel like it, okay?
+Jessica, you're really beautiful, but you are not very nice.
+You know, with the way you're treating me, why should I protect you?
+Because if you tell, no one will believe you. Remember, I'm the sweet, perfect minister's daughter and you're just yellow trash.
+So here's where you're hiding.
+Yeah. This is my only refuge from the taunts and accusations of the townspeople.
+Bart, we can't just let her get away with this.
+I won! I won!
+Give it up, Lis. She's a criminal mastermind. She's got a 108 IQ, she reads at a fifth grade level, and her hair smells like red Fruit Loops.
+Yeah, well I eat Fruit Loops for breakfast.
+Because of last week's problems, we'll be taking certain precautions with this week's collection.
+We really shouldn't have let them do this. It can't be helping his self esteem.
+Now, for our offertory reading, Lisa Simpson, who we'll all be keeping an eye on.
+I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any proof. But doesn't the Bible teach us "Judge not lest ye be judged," Reverend?
+I think it might be somewhere towards the back.
+There is someone among us with a guilty conscience. After much soul searching I decided it would be wrong of me to name names, but I urge that guilty person here, under the eyes of God, to come forward to confess and save yourself from the torment of your own personal hell.
+I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam.
+I was the one that canceled "Star Trek".
+I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick.
+I am talking to the collection money thief. Only you can come forward and end this injustice.
+Oh, what the heck, it was Jessica Lovejoy.
+If you search her room, I am certain you will find the money.
+To the little girl's room!
+That's the collection money!
+Ah, yeah, it smells like church.
+I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house.
+Well come on! Use your imaginations.
+No, Dad, I did it. It's your classic cry for attention.
+All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph...
+Well, young lady, I suppose we brought you home from boarding school a little prematurely.
+I was expelled, Dad. Remember the pipe bomb? The glee club brawl? Remember the school chapel collection plate? The exploding toilets ring a bell? Come on dad, pay attention to me. Hello in there... hello?
+BRINGING IN THE SHEAVES... BRINGING IN THE SHEAVES
+Uh, I think you all owe my son an apology.
+That's okay. 'Preciate it... Mm Hmm.
+Hi, Jessica.
+Hi Bart, come to watch me suffer?
+I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a difficult experience, I really learned a lot... I'm a little wiser and a little less naïve.
+Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want.
+Well, don't you see, Jessica, then you really haven't learned --
+Um, would you finish scrubbing these steps for me?
+Will I!
+Hey, Jessica.
+Coming.
+Poor sucker. It's amazing what some guys will do for a pretty face. Not me though. Wait'll she sees the second rate job I do on these stairs. .
+It's Channel Six "Action" News!
+Ah, Action News, the last place an impressionable kid can go for TV violence.
+Now, here's your "Action" Anchor, Kent Brockman.
+Hello-I'm-Kent Brockman!
+Our top stories tonight, a tremendous explosion... in the price of lumber. And "President Reagan dyes... his hair," says Garry Trudeau in his new musical comedy revue. But first, let's check the death count from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow.
+Well Kent, as of now the death count is zero, but it is ready to shoot right up.
+Oh my God! Damn you, snow!
+All right, snow day! No school tomorrow!
+What a story!
+That doesn't mean you don't have to do your book report. What if the weatherman is wrong?
+Lisa, that man is a professional meteorologist.
+Kent, I'd like to remind everybody to come down and watch me at the Springfield Laugh 'n Brew 'n Burgers 'n Fries this Saturday. The forecast calls for a seventy-five percent chance of hilarity.
+I like those odds.
+Snowball fight!
+You're gonna eat a blizzard of...
+Unseasonable warmth...?
+I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer.
+Nice p.j.'s, Simpson! Did your Mommy buy them for you?
+Of course she did. Who else would have?
+All right Simpson, you win this round.
+Okay, it's book report time! We'll do them alphabetically. Today it's "A" through "M."
+I'm saved! I love being a S-s-s-simpson!
+Let's see, we have no "A's," so let's go right to the "B's." Bart?
+Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't...
+Attention. This is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Dammit I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.
+Children, the times, they are a-becoming quite different. Test scores are at an all time low. So I've come up with these "Academic Alerts." You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way, your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you.
+How innovative! I like it!
+Hey, Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: Beat up Martin.
+No, no Ralph. This means you're failing English.
+Me fail English? That's unpossible.
+Muntz, Nelson. You're failing history, geography, and math. But ah, you're doing quite well in Home-Ec.
+Hey, keep it down, man. Ha ha.
+Simpson...Lisa.
+Grades are all I have. What could I be failing? I'm smart and a teacher's pet.
+Gym?!! That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
+Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
+Whew, that's all of 'em. And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How 'bout a present, son?
+Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
+Done and done.
+That's not fair... Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
+Ah, the mysteries of life.
+Tell you what, Simpson. I won't fail you if you join one of those Pee Wee teams outside the school.
+You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?
+Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning.
+Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year.
+Mom, this is really scary. I'm gonna get my first 'F' ever.
+Cheer up. So you're not good at sports. It's a very small part of life.
+Sports, sports, sports, sports. Sports, sports, sports, sports. Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports.
+I mean my little girl buddy.
+I think Lisa needs to feel a little special tonight. How about letting her ride up front, too?
+I tried.
+Okay, son, just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'll kill you.
+...Dad.
+All right, Pigs. Beat those Gougers!
+I could have been equipment manager, but "Nooo"...
+Oh, no. Our goalie cannot stand up. Tell you what. Get some rope.
+Defense! Defense! Come on, you call that blowing?!
+Oh yes, we won! We won! We won! Um, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, ah, we won't be going for pizza.
+Well boy, you won. So I'm gonna live up to my side of the agreement. Here's your turtle, alive and well.
+Aw thanks, Dad.
+How about some adulation from my li'l sister?
+Wow Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a concussion.
+Ah, you're just jealous...
+Because - you - stink - at - sports...
+Cut it out, Bart!
+What the... Y'know, I wonder... if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey. Well, only one way to be sure. Heads up little girl!
+The goalie of my dreams! Let's try a hard one to make sure it wasn't a fluke.
+Hey! Way to knock out my teeth!
+Yeah, that's it, Milhouse! Keep up the chatter!
+Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
+Oh! Ooh my - oh, the hell with it.
+Well, I think women should be able to play any sport men play, but hockey is so violent and dangerous. Look at Milhouse's teeth.
+Mom, will you stop showin' us those?
+I have to join the team, or I'll get an "F" that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
+I now pronounce you President of these United...
+Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our president "elect" got an "F" in second grade gym class.
+In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. Don't worry -- it's just a name.
+He said it was just a name.
+What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.
+Do you have my teeff?
+Okay, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear.
+Please, Dad, I'll be fine.
+I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting... Look! That kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel?
+Come here, you butterball.
+Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate.
+I can't even watch. I don't know how you two can sit here laughing at poor Lisa while she's out there probably scared to death.
+We're laughing with her, Marge! There's a big difference.
+With her.
+You really think I did okay out there, Mom?
+Absolutely, honey. By blocking the net I really think you helped your team.
+Okay, little buddy, hop in!
+That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
+Okay, hon.
+Sucker. Competitive, violent, that's why you're here.
+We are having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork. Gee, but who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa.
+Let's hear it for Lisa!
+Hey, Bart, if Lisa is better than you at hockey, does that mean you're gonna become better than her at school?
+Maybe I will, Milhouse, maybe I will.
+Who can tell me the capital of Spain?
+Bart Simpson.
+The square root of thirty-six?
+Bart Simpson.
+Who freed the slaves?
+Bart Simpson... Bart Simpson... Bart Simpson... Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand?! You haven't had one right answer all day.
+This is for wasting teacher's valuable time.
+Lay off, guys. He's with me.
+It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.
+Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you anymore.
+I hardly ever let Mother fight for me anymore!
+Sorry, Bart, I'm gonna hang out with Lisa! For protection... and to be seen!
+Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of Cops, but if we hurry we can catch the last three.
+Ah, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for gelato. We'd ask you to come but, you know...
+Bart, I can spend some time with you.
+I dunno, Mom.
+Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know. How about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but...
+Hey, watch out for the Shaq-attack!
+I told you to watch out.
+Hey Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo! Jimbo! Go for the face! Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
+Wow, eye of the tiger, mouth of a teamster. To think of all the time I wasted on you... uh, well, not wasted... I love you.
+Lemme give my special little winner a big, big hug.
+Ma. I think I'm all hugged out. Oh... one more.
+Hello, queen Lisa.
+Bart, what are you doing in my room?
+Lisa, certain differences, rivalries, if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we can talk it over like civilized people. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny.
+Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.
+Mr. Honeybunny!
+Quiet down, Bart!
+Bart, just get out of here.
+Hey! It's a free country. You get out.
+That doesn't make sense.
+I know you are, but what am I?
+Get out! Get out!
+Okay, but on my way, I'm gonna be doing this.
+If you get hit, it's your own fault.
+Okay. Then I'm going to start kicking air like this. And if any part of you should fill that air, it's your own fault.
+Hm, I better go check that out. Now Homer, don't you eat this pie.
+Okay. All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this.
+And if you get eaten, it's your own fault.
+'Round back... oops.
+Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
+Mom, that is really annoying.
+Bart started it.
+Uh uh, Lisa started it.
+I don't care who started it. I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both. You're not in competition with each other. Repeat. You are not in competition with each other.
+Hey! Apu just called. This Friday Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love.
+Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.
+All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm gonna let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells.
+Sorry, pig, we can't make that promise.
+All right. All right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, okay?
+I'll take that as a yes.
+At seven tonight the games begin / Bart versus Lisa, who will win / Their father's fat and their mother's thin / And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin.
+Hey! That's Obsession for Men!
+Pass the ketchup.
+You'll have to do better than that tonight, chump.
+I asked for ketchup. I'm eating salad here.
+I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house.
+Moe, what are you doin' here?
+What? What? A bartender can't come by and say "hi" to his best customer? Hey, hey there, Midge! Oh gee I like what you done to your hair.
+You go, Mom. For the greater good.
+You caught me at a real bad time, Moe. I hope you understand I'm too tense to pretend I like you.
+And how are the little kids doin'? I mean really how are they doin'. Any disabling injuries? Something, say, that the gambling community might not yet know about? Come here, let me see those knees.
+Moe, I think you should leave.
+But Blanche! You gotta help me out here. Please! I'm sixty-four grand in the hole. They're gonna take my thumbs!
+Good luck tonight, sis. I'll try not to hurt you.
+Don't worry, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head.
+Mr. Honeybunny! You inhuman monster!
+You want a piece of me?
+Stop it! Stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game.
+Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it. You like Lisa best.
+Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you?
+Well, you can't possibly like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin' for nobody!
+Homer, we can't root for one child over the other. You wouldn't like it if the kids played favorites with us.
+Hey, Mom! Look at me, Mom!
+Hi Mom! Over here! Mom!
+Hi kids!
+And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the clown.
+OH SAY CAN YOU SEE... ... LIGHT, WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HEL... I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards .
+I love Bart!
+No, wait! I love Lisa!
+Beer. Oh, Marge, I love you!
+He tripped my boy. I demand vengeance! I want vengeance!
+Jimbo Jones called for tripping. A penalty shot will be taken by Bart Simpson.
+For the greater good.
+Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.
+Kill 'er, boy! Kill 'er!
+Stop 'em dead, little girl!
+Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart!
+Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart!
+Great game, Lis.
+Great game, Bart.
+Tie game? / What the hell? / This is outrageous!
+I've never been so proud of them.
+They're both losers. Losers!
+Rip off!
+We paid for blood!
+Let's tear this place apart!
+Good idea!
+Those kids are like so sweet. If only they had had Pee Wee hockey when I was a lad. Oh well.
+Damn FDA. Why can't it all be marshmallow?
+Ew. Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash.
+You like sweets, kids? I know a place that's sweeter than sweetness itself. In this sweet place, earthly donuts are sour as poison. You'd spit them out! You would! I'm talking about the Candy Industry Trade Show. .
+How did you get tickets?
+They hid them in every millionth Krusty Klump bar and Krusty Klump bar with almonds.
+Hey, hey, hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again.
+CanIcometothecandyshow!?CanIcome!? CanIcome!?
+No,me!Takeme!Me!Me!Me!
+Sorry kids, but this is one event I want my darling wife by my side.
+Oh, well thank you Homer. But take one of the kids.
+Ma-arge. They can't carry enough candy. They have puny, little muscles, not big, ropey ones like you.
+Homer, are all these pockets necessary?
+They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in a hollowed-out wheelchair.
+Well, that's the babysitter. No one in town will sit for you two anymore. I had to choose between a grad student at the university and a scary-looking hobo.
+Please the hobo. Please the hobo. Please the hobo.
+Hi, I'm Ashley Grant.
+Ashley Grant! You gave a talk on women's issues at my school on how we don't have to be second class citizens.
+Mom! How can you leave us with this maniac?!
+Hurry, Marge. If we get there early we can get our pictures taken with the two surviving Musketeers.
+Well there's also a baby somewhere upstairs!
+So, you're one of those "don't call me a chick" chicks, huh?
+Eh, sorry about my unenlightened brother. He will make the next few hours a living hell.
+Oh, I don't know. See this, Bart?
+Disemboweler 4, the game where condemned criminals dig at each other with rusty hooks.
+Mmm hmm. Do a little housework, and you can play for five minutes.
+No waaaay. Gg-aah... Yes'm.
+See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame. They all follow their video cartridges.
+Mr. Goodbar to the front desk... The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar.
+I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.
+Brilliant... exquisite ...ooh, you'll do well... Gimme those, etc.
+As you can see, I have created a lemonball so sour it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field. The candy, known as 77X42 -- Where the hell is the candy?
+I don't know.
+Hey sir, try our wax lips. It's the candy of a thousand uses.
+One, a humorous substitute for your own lips.
+Mmm hmm. Keep going.
+Two, ah... ooh, I'm needed in the basement.
+Ah, you're gonna have to put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am.
+Oooh -- gummy bears. Gummy calves heads. Gummy jaw breakers.
+What dat?
+That is the rarest gummy of them all. The gummy Venus de Milo. Carved by gummy artisans who work exclusively in the medium of gummy.
+Will you two stop saying "gummy" so much.
+Must have rare gummy. Distract the salesman Marge!
+No. I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further.
+Oooh... how'd they get there?
+Now, this is going to take all my skill.
+Halt! Halt!
+Run, Marge! Save the booty!
+See you in hell, candy boys.
+Hey Lis, I found a big caramel deposit at the small of her back!
+I'm coming!
+Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where's my gummy de Milo? Okay, don't panic. She can't have gotten far; she has no arms.
+I'm sure it'll turn up. Take the baby-sitter home now. She's been sitting in the car for twenty minutes.
+Relax, Marge, there's plenty for her to do in there.
+See, she's having the time of her life.
+So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
+I'm sorry?
+Nobody's blaming you. Hey, could you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once.
+Just drop me off here.
+Precious Venus...
+Hey, kids. Lots of candy left for breakfast.
+Well why don't we give it to some needy children, then?
+Oh no! The candy conventioneers tracked us down!
+There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me!
+For a minute there I thought I was in big trouble. It's just a...
+Two four six eight / Homer's crime was very great! "Great" meaning "large or immense" / We used it in the pejorative sense!
+Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am. I can't even say the word "titmouse" without giggling like a schoolgirl.
+At any rate, I believe you and I think you should go outside and straighten this out. Some of their chants are very catchy and memorable.
+You grabbed me in the car!
+Oh that. No. I was just grabbing a gummy Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants.
+Yeah right! That's the oldest excuse in the book.
+C'mon, I'm a decent guy...
+Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from.
+Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did?
+Well Lisa, remember that post card Grampa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom?
+Oh, yeah. That was brilliant.
+That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
+And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal, Dad?
+Well, that's kind of a gray area.
+We know you're innocent, Dad.
+Thanks, kids.
+They seem to be building some sort of a shantytown.
+Homer! Wake up! Wake up!
+Do your worst, protesters you can't stop me from living my life!
+Boo! No respect for women, no peace.
+Just try to push the right buttons now! We aren't crazy about nuclear power, either!
+You people aren't allowed in here.
+It's okay, they're with me.
+They're ruining my whole life. Marge, please, this is where I need you the most. I'm counting on you to do something or say something to make it all better. Okay-- go.
+Homer--
+Uh-huh?
+I already talked to the Indignation Coordinator out on the lawn today. I told her you were a decent man. But she wouldn't listen. Besides standing by you and supporting you, there isn't anything more I can do.
+You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh no! On own! On own! I need help. Oh, God help me! Help me, God!
+Y'ello?
+Hello, Homer. This is God...frey Jones from the TV magazine show, Rock Bottom.
+We're aware of your problems and Mr. Simpson, we want to help.
+Hmm, I saw that report you did on Sasquatch. It was fair and evenhanded. I'll do it.
+...Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed, she was sitting on the gummy Venus so I grabbed it off of her. Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy. I just wish I had another one right now. But the most important thing is...
+That was really great, Mr. Simpson, we got everything we need.
+Okay. Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch? I like his style.
+Hee hee. Here comes the bouncing ball of justice!
+Tonight on "Rock Bottom:" we go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers.
+I keep tellin' ya, I just grow sorghum here.
+Uh huh, and where are the hookers?
+But first... she was a university honor student who devoted her life to kids, until the night a grossly overweight pervert named Homer Simpson gave her a crash course in depravity. Babysitter and the Beast.
+Awww, crap!
+... Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on -- her -- "sweet can"! -- so I grabbed -- her "sweet can"! Oh, just thinking about -- her "can"! I just wish I had her -- "sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet can"!
+So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her "can". What do you have to say in your defense?
+Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further.
+No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back!
+Mr. Simpson, nooooo!
+Dramatization. May not have happened.
+Marge, kids, everything's gonna be just fine. Now go upstairs and pack your bags. We're gonna start a new life under the sea.
+UNDER THE SEA / UNDER THE SEA / THERE'LL BE NO ACCUSATIONS / JUST FRIENDLY CRUSTACEANS / UNDER THE SEA.
+Homer, that's your solution to everything, to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen.
+Not with that attitude.
+Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over.
+It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothin' ever blows over for me.
+Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers!
+Hey, that's a half truth.
+I don't know Homer Simpson, I never met Homer Simpson or had any contact with him but... ...I'm sorry, I can't go on.
+That's okay. Your tears say more than real evidence ever could.
+Yes, yes, yes. That's fine. Good, good.
+Today on "Ben"... Mothers and runaway daughters, reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson. And here's your host, Gentle Ben.
+I just have one thing to say: Let's have less Homer Simpsons and more money for public schools.
+Ben, I have a question.
+No, Ben! No!
+And now, we return to Fox Night at the Movies. "Homer S.: Portrait of An Ass Grabber," starring Dennis Franz.
+Ooh, "Portrait!" Sounds classy... doesn't it?
+No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature!
+I don't care!
+Now, I'm gonna grab me sumpin' sweet!
+No, Mr. Simpson. That's sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud the whole country'll hear.
+With a man in the White House? Not likely.
+This is hour fifty-seven of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in tonight at eight o'clock for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came, and when Marge Simpson put the cat out. Possibly because it was harassed, we don't know.
+Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So let's turn it on.
+Now this technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over four hundred degrees. He's literally stewing in his own juices. Now here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95 percent of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll, which is not legally binding. Unless Proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will.
+I don't have a friend in the world.
+Let us through!
+Oh really?
+C'mon on let us through, you vultures.
+Oh, Marge. It's a miracle.
+I hope you kept the Homie fires burning...
+How can you judge this man, without talking to the people who know him best. We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the biddin' starts at ten G's.
+I bid ten G's!
+Ten five G's!
+I need a hug.
+How come you guys hesitated?
+Sorry, Dad. We do believe in you. We really do.
+It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
+Maybe TV is right. TV's always right.
+Are you hugging the TV?
+And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is... Ho-mer Simpson.
+Ai yi yi! Es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado. Ohh!
+I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me. I know - "Evening at the Improv." They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s.
+See I think about weird stuff. Like what would happen if E.T. and Mr. T. had a baby? Well, you'd get Mr. E.T. wouldn't ya? And you know I think he'd sound a little something like this: I pity the fool who doesn't phone home.
+Oh, I wouldn't want to be Mr. T right now.
+Homer! Homie! The kids have a great idea on how you can clear your name!
+The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth. All they care about is entertainment. Well you need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word "entertainment" -- Public Access Television.
+But those shows all look so crummy.
+Well, we can dress it up a bit. We can bring a fern... and a folding chair from the garage... And the most decorative thing of all: the truth.
+There are only forty-nine stars on that flag.
+I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura.
+Now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson.
+Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed me, "Father Goose." You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away. Nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't. Okay, look, I've done some bad things in my life, but harassing women is not one of them. Like, one time they were having this race with this stupid old-timey bicycles with the big wheel in front. So I figured, "We'll see about that." So I get this big chunk of cinderblock and I...
+Oh, gotta go. Innocent!
+Dad, you did it! I am so proud of you.
+The switchboards are lighting up!
+Two calls! That's our best ever!
+Hello?... No, Janis doesn't live here. Hello? Yes I am interested in long distance savings. Very interested.
+Marge, this is so depressing. My only hope is this homemade Prozac. Hmm... needs more ice-cream.
+So uh, you don't like the old time bikes, huh?
+Homer, I love amateur video and your show is the most amateur video I ever saw.
+My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. I didnae come forward because in this country it makes you look like a pervert. But every single Scottish person does it.
+Oh baby, oh yeah... Oh, baby..."
+No, that's Mayor Quimby.
+Ah, here we go.
+Precious Venus...
+Thank you!
+Dad, this clears you completely!
+You know, the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
+Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right.
+You're both right.
+In our mad pursuit of a scoop, we members of the press sometimes make mistakes. Rock Bottom would like to make the following corrections:
+Wow. V8 juice isn't one-eighth gasoline.
+And Ted Koppel is a robot.
+There's you, Dad!
+Tomorrow on Rock Bottom. He's a foreigner who takes perverted videos of you when you least suspect it. He's Rowdy Roddy Peeper.
+Oh, that man is sick!
+Groundskeeper Willie saved you, Homer.
+But listen to the music. He's evil!
+Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything you hear?
+Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.
+Let's never fight again.
+We now return to the 1971 film "Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great Frisco Freak-Out!" starring Troy McClure.
+Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?
+There's more than one way to get high, baby.
+Whhoooooaa!!
+Please, Marge. How often can I see a movie of this caliber on late-night TV?
+Is there something wrong, Homie?
+No. It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before, and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye-- What I meant to say is... we'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise.
+Enchiladas.
+Mom!! Dad!!
+Don't turn on the light! Don't turn on the light!
+There's a U.F.O. outside my window!! Seriously!
+Oh, Bart. It's just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.
+C-c-can I sleep in there with you guys tonight?
+Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat in case a U.F.O. does come?
+We need to talk about the... marital difficulties we've been having lately.
+Marge, there's just too much pressure... what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad... but I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.
+I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... How 'bout a book?
+Ooooookay.
+A tasteful book.
+Oh. All right.
+Hey, Marge! This guy looks like Apu!
+Shh. I don't want people to see us looking at these books.
+Hi, guys. Whatcha lookin' at?
+Oh, I'm just reading up on, artillery.
+Yes. And I am pursuing my interest in...
+This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey, you know, that nice Midwestern man on the radio who's like a pleasant version of Grampa.
+Oooh. "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American."
+Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Uebberoth is only ninety-nine cents! And I found the new Al Gore book!
+"Sane Planning: Sensible Tomorrow".
+Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book "Rational Thinking: Reasonable Future!"
+I'm getting this book on U.F.O.s.
+Did you know they're real, but there's a huge government conspiracy to cover it up?
+Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.
+Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir!
+Well, This calls for a celebration.
+CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES / C'MON! / LET'S CELEBRATE...
+I will!
+N -- -- yes. But please don't you say that word.
+That's the house you grew up in, Son.
+Hello Americans, Paul Harvey here. Did you know every good American is, at heart, an erotic American? Iiiit's true. A famous couple -- I don't need to tell you it was Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower -- offered this advice: double your pleasure with a bath, together!
+HomeIE, I can't quite...
+Faucet's jammed into my back... I'm stuck.
+So am I.
+Kids? Kids?
+A romantic vacation can provide... titillation. Sensual, sanitary seclusion awaits you at any of America's fine Triple-A Approved motor lodges.
+The Arabian Nights Room looks nice...
+Ooh, the Pharaoh's Chamber has a vibrating sarcophagus.
+Uh, sorry there Fred and Ethel. Shoulda made a reservation. We only got uh, one room left.
+The uh... toilet is overflowing in the uh Caveman Room!
+Oh, here we are. The "Utility Room."
+This isn't very erotic. I think it's an actual utility room.
+No, honey, it's a romantic fantasy. I imagine I'm the janitor, and you're... the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room.
+Don't mind me, folks. Just need to get the ol' Wet-Dry Vac.
+By now, your new, improved love-life should have you flinging woo like nobody's business. So, to you, Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American, I bid... Gooood day.
+Welcome home, Son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
+Never mind. You wouldn't understand.
+Protein deficiency?
+Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcano-coniosis?
+Unsatisfying sex life?
+What? "Sex?" What's so unappealing about hearin' yer elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.
+You're home safe. Done my duty. See ya the next time we need your signature.
+Aw, you never wanna spend any time with me. But I can help you with your lovin' problem. I got a home remedy that will put the zowsers back in your trousers.
+Legend has it, my Great-Grandpappy stumbled upon this recipe when he was tryin' to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.
+Here ya g -- Hey!
+Here ya go, ya ingrate! Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!
+Drink it!
+Kids-here's-fifty-dollars-Why-not-go-to-the-movies-then-take-a-cab-to-your-Aunts'-house-Stay-there-Phone-call-you-later-Now-Now-Now.
+Oh, Homey, what's--
+Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards.
+What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now?
+I'unno.
+Here he is, Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one! That tonic really works! You and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together.
+You want me to spend more time with dad? What about my New Year's resolution?
+You could make a lot of money.
+Yeah... Where are my pants?
+You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.
+Oh, hurry, Neddie! They're awful.
+You just be ready with that garbage bag.
+Hoo mama! This is finally really happening. After years of disappointments with get-rich-quick-schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme! And quick!
+Sir! Hello, Sir! Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife!
+Ow. I guess people have some sort of "moral objection" to our sex-drug.
+Lemme sell it, you idjit.
+Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's Patented Revitalizing Tonic!
+Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, sur-prising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic!
+I doubt very highly that one elixir could boast so many fantastic properties.
+What say we amscray outta here and have a wild wing-ding at the cyclotron, Doctor?
+Anything you say, Professor!
+Tonight we'll push the twin beds together. And I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too! A pup tent!
+Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard!
+Yeah! Every single night!
+I've discovered that the "rejuvenating" effect people feel is actually a mild form of poisoning, no doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions in Grampa Simpson's bathtub. Nonetheless...
+What's goin' on? Where are the grown-ups?
+Who cares? With no adults around, I run this city! Er, carry on.
+Listen to this. "Unexplainable Behavior. Individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs, or other paranormal phenomena, e.g. telephone explosions."
+Geez! If it's in a book, it's gotta be true!
+Scary, no? And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa!
+Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
+Hurry up! We got a lotta tonic to sell and a lotta towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid...
+Great. I'm gonna be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.
+...and that's what's wrong with Bart's generation. Now, as for your generation...
+And for the minimal outlay of one dollar, you can take home a bottle of Liquid Lothario! Distilled Don Juan! Catalytically-Carbonated Casanova! Lock old Rover in the shed, 'cause man has a new best friend in Simpson and Son's Revitalizing Tonic!
+I'm not convinced. I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs.
+All questions will be answered, all fears will be allayed, with one incontrovertible demonstration! May I have a volunteer from the audience? Yes, you, sir!
+Now, sir, you have never seen me before. Is that correct?
+That is correct.
+Well then how come his face is on the bottle?
+Umm... umm...
+You're the worst shill I ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine show business!
+They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music.
+Okay. It's now painfully clear. The adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
+You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you, too?
+Hey, hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
+So what's the simplest explanation?
+I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires, and they have to get home before dark.
+Reverse vampires! / Etc.
+Hey, wait a minute. That's Amos Pierson's Moose Farm. Make a right, here.
+Ewww, why're we stopping at this dump?
+Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.
+Yeah, we lived here till the bank foreclosed in sixty-three. Farm went bust after the cows started givin' sour milk. Somethin' musta spooked 'em good.
+Oh, memories. If this old place could talk, it'd say...
+Yah! Ooh! Ow! Wah!
+There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.
+If uh, I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark...
+Oh, Abe, maybe our Homer could grow up to be president some day!
+You, president? This is the greatest country in the world. We got a whole system set up to keep people like you from ever becomin' president. Quitcher daydreamin', melonhead.
+Quitcher daydreamin', melonhead.
+Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could've been something more than I am, like a travel agent to a great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
+Who are you to complain? You lock me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas!
+Your whole life, you never said one nice thing to me.
+That's 'cause you're a screw-up.
+You're the screw-up!
+Why you little...!
+All right! That's it. We're goin' home. I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic!
+This tonic's caused me nothin' but trouble. You've done all the damage you're gonna do!
+If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'da never been born and I'da been happy! You were an accident!!
+Get out.
+I'm sorry I said that.
+I'm gonna get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive awa--
+Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my Army training... Dang.
+I'm sorry.
+Homie, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
+Of course not Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident. He didn't want to have me!
+You didn't want to have Bart.
+I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
+You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.
+But when I do it, it's cute.
+So, finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. Milhouse?
+Okay, here's what we've got. The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people...
+Thank you.
+Under the supervision of the reverse vampires...
+... are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of DINNER! We're through the looking glass here, people!
+Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky... nutty... chewy... chocolatey... Put it away, boy... situation. And your daddy has realized something very important: a father should always make his kids feel wanted. Starting right now, I promise to spend a lot more time with you and give you the attention you deserve.
+Aw, nuts.
+And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son who puts the fun in "Simpson & Son" -- my son, Barney!
+I used to be a fat, disgusting slob.
+That medicine seems to be givin' your son a lotta gas.
+I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.
+It just ain't the same without Homer. He knew how to drive a car.
+Son! My dear Son. From now on I'm going to be a good and attentive father. And for starters your "old man" is gonna teach you how to ride... your very first bike!
+Dad, number one: I know how to ride a bike. Number two: I already own a bike. And number three: that is a girl's bike.
+You're no girl, you're a boy. A good boy. You can be president. Scratch that. You will be president.
+I think Lisa needs another push on her new tire swing.
+No, Dad. I want to get down. This tire is filthy, and the steel belts are poking me.
+Wheeee! Wheeee!!!
+No! No! No! No!!!
+No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
+B-But I'm using my whole ass.
+Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.
+Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love! But now, I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
+I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."
+That's what I assumed.
+Here's where it all started to go wrong. How'm I supposed to be a good dad when I never had one myself?
+Dad wasn't even around on Christmas morning when I actually got to meet Santa Claus. Some father... Wait a minute.
+Dad? This photo is a blessing. It eases my pain.
+I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
+No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
+You know what?
+We're both screw-ups.
+It doesn't matter. What matters is you were right when you told me I never said anything nice about you.
+So are you gonna say something nice now?
+Well, I hadn't thought that far ahead.
+Okay, here it goes... I'm not sorry I had you, Son. And I was always proud that you weren't a short man.
+Aw, Dad.
+Whaddya say we roll on the grass, son?
+I'm with you, Dad.
+Hey, Moe. You got change for a five?
+Yeah, sure thing, Lenny.
+Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! A snake in the cash register. Great prank, fellas, great. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight.
+Hey Moe, you wanna smell my flower?
+I'm burnin' up, here. Ooh, ooh, taking advantage of my alcohol soaked clothes. It's funny and it makes you think.
+Oh I need some coffee before I black out. Homer, pass me the sugar.
+This is gonna to be great.
+Oh, there's sugar all over the bar now.
+That's not funny, Homer.
+Yeah, we were just messin' around. And you had to go too far.
+How many people want Homer banned from this place for life?
+Ah, come on, everybody. This bar is like a tavern to me.
+Sorry, Homer. You should have thought of that before you gave me the old sugar-me-do. I'm taking your caricature down from Mt. Lushmore.
+And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the juke box.
+It's Raining Men?
+Yeah, not no more it ain't.
+Oww. Ohh...
+Jokes on them. I'm still alive.
+Cheer up, Homer.
+What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?
+I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.
+Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity?
+Yes. Cris-a-tunity. You're right! I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it. I'm going to find a new bar to drink in. And I'm gonna get drunker than I've been in my entire life! Bart, where's my wallet?
+Right here, Dad.
+Thank you!
+Wow, classy.
+Good evening, sir. Would you please leave without a fuss right now?
+Hmmm. This looks like a nice, friendly place.
+Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowing.
+Okay Carla. I'll make you a bet. If this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar.
+Woody, gimme a beer.
+I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.
+Just give me another beer, you brain dead hick.
+I'll kill you! I'll kill all of ya!
+Whoa! Settle down, Normie. Gotta save those pipes for karaoke.
+I love you guys.
+I just left my first session and I haven't even opened my mouth yet.
+Wait a minute. There's something bothering me about this place. I know - this lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap, ladies.
+What was her problem?
+Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink?
+Oh, get outta here, Homer.
+"Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.
+Gr-aargh! Oh my God, this man is my exact double. That dog has a puffy tail!
+Here, Puff! Here Puff!
+The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.
+Shut up, liver.
+Ooh, my liver hurts.
+I'd like a beer, please.
+Sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here.
+Uh, but I am a pilot.
+Where's your uniform?
+I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment.
+Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loner.
+We need a pilot. Pronto. Who wants to fly to the "Windy City?"
+Conditions are windy.
+But I -
+Hey, you're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?
+Yeah, that's exactly why I'm here.
+You fly boys. You crack me up.
+But, I keep tellin' ya, I'm not a pilot.
+And I keep telling you, you fly boys crack me up.
+Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your co-pilot.
+Uh, yeah, um, uh as a change of pace, I'm gonna let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan.
+And um, ah, I'll just uh get us started...
+Uh, we'll need that to live.
+If word gets out about this, Kwazy Klown Airlines will be a laughing stock. In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United States. Excluding Alaska and Hawaii. The freak states.
+Woo hoo!
+Good news, everybody. Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want.
+Alaska!
+Hawaii!
+I don't know, Homer. We're right in the middle of the busy housekeeping season.
+But Marge, you deserve a vacation. It's a chance for you to clean up after us in a whole other state.
+I don't want to be a wet blanket, but getting on a plane like that seems like a hassle coupled with a burden.
+Come on Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you please?
+So Marge, pretty sweet, eh?
+Oh, I forgot to clean the lint basket in the dryer. If someone broke into the house and did laundry, it could start a fire.
+Oh, great. I specifically asked not to be seated next to a baby.
+Wow, we must really be flying high. Those people down there look all tiny and blurry... just like the inside of a cataract.
+Attention passengers. Due to our policy of overselling flights, this flight has been oversold. In accordance with FAA rules, the first two people to the front will be upgraded to first class.
+Okay, you two.
+C'mon, Bart. They're gonna pamper us. Not literally, of course.
+I come for the service, but I stay for the leg room.
+Flight crew prepare for take off.
+I think I'll go get a picture of the plane taking off.
+See, Dad. I told you Mom would have problems.
+Marge, what's wrong? Are you Hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
+Homer, I've never told you this before, but I'm not a good flyer. I have to get off the plane. Let me off the plane. I'm asking you nicely to open the doors.
+Take it easy, Marge. How 'bout if we dope you up real good?
+Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! Let me off!
+It's okay, Marge. We don't need to go on a trip. We'll just wait for the killer bees to come to us.
+You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...
+I'm sure it's nothing.
+Mom, are you feeling any better?
+Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.
+Permit me to solve the mystery. Your mother has a fear of flying.
+So much for the days when I could say "at least my mother's normal."
+Well, everybody's got a fear of something.
+Not everybody.
+Sock puppets.
+Where? Where?
+Mom, are you sure you don't want to discuss it?
+Sure as sugar.
+Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her... so she'll never annoy us again.
+But if we don't encourage her to vent her feelings, they can come out in other ways.
+I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog. They've been living in sin.
+Mom, you've been cooking all night?
+Judge, jury, and executioner all rolled into one, you are.
+No, no honey, it's all right. Really. I'm fine. I'm all right. Mother always said "don't complain. Be good. Behave, behave. Be nice, smile be polite, don't make waves."
+You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave.
+Marge, it's three A.M. Shouldn't you be baking?
+In a little while.
+Mom, can we talk to you?
+Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of cat-like readiness.
+Uh, neat... anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy.
+Mm, no, I don't need therapy, I'm fine. And it's too expensive.
+And I don't believe in it. It breaks up families.... turns wives against husbands... children against fathers... neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist ten bucks an hour to get top notch therapy.
+Hello, Radio Psychic. You will die a terrible, terrible death. Ooh I'm sorry, that was our last caller. Okay, I'm getting something now... huh?... Okay, you will die a terrible, terrible death.
+But I...
+Thank you for calling "Radio Psychic." Do you have a song request?
+It's Raining Men!
+Now Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films about air travel can calm your fears. Ooh, here are some upbeat titles. "Hero." "Fearless." "Alive."
+No thanks to the plane, many of us are still...
+We certainly are.
+Pass me another hunk of co-pilot.
+Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is.
+She's fine.
+Every since you started therapy all you can do is talk about yourself. Well what about me, Marge?
+All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's gonna tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family, and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.
+Dad, I like picking beans with grandma.
+Well keep it up, then.
+Okay, I will.
+Good, you do that.
+You'll be picking many a bean.
+Hope I do.
+I don't believe it! Principal Skinner!
+Well, well, well. I never thought I'd win this easy.
+Huh, this has nothing to do with you, Simpson. I have many, many issues with my beloved smother -- mother.
+Bart, leave that man alone with his pain and sit down.
+All right. How much do you charge?
+If money's a problem, I charge on a sliding scale. I can go as low as thirty dollars an hour.
+Keep sliding.
+Thirty dollars will be fine.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. First, what are your qualifications?
+Well...
+Oh, no, I'm not here to take a reading test. I wanna see some credentials.
+I'm sorry, doctor. He's just afraid you'll blame all my problems on him.
+I'm not here to blame anyone.
+Marge, therapy can be an intense process.
+We're going to delve deeply into your subconscious and we're not going to stop until we've exposed the root of your fear of flying.
+Don't worry, this is a private sanctuary where whatever transpires will be just between us.
+Oh, that's just Murray, the window washer. He comes everyday at 12:00.
+But it's a few seconds before 12:00.
+You see?! You see?! "I" just left "my" first session and "I" haven't opened "my" mouth yet.
+Marge, there's no simple explanation for your fear of flying. But it can probably be traced to some childhood trauma. Think back, what's the earliest memory you have of something bad happening?
+Hmm. That would have to be my first day of school.
+They got this thing called a "fire drill." They use it to drill a flaming hole in your head.
+And there's only one big toilet and they make you all go at the same time.
+The kids at school were even worse.
+Ew, you like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs!
+They do so!
+They don't even play their own instruments...
+No! No!
+That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.
+Kids can be so cruel.
+But it's true. They didn't write their own songs or play their own instruments.
+The Monkees weren't about music, Marge! They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval.
+Did you talk about me in therapy today?
+I don't think so.
+Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice. Don't. Happy family, happy family.
+I keep having the same dream. I'm the mother from "Lost In Space."
+Ready for breakfast, Doctor Smith?
+Oh, being stuck on this God forsaken planet has vanquished what little appetite I have.
+Warning. Warning. Doctor Smith refuses to do his astro chores.
+Why, you clattering clank of.... My dear lady, as you well know my back is a disaster area. D'oh the pain! D'oh the pain of it all!
+Danger, danger... My hooks are flailing wildly!
+Wait! Daddy! Wait! Please don't leave. Take me with you!
+Marge, are you aware you just said "please don't leave" to your daddy?
+No, I didn't.
+Yes, you did. And you also infringed on any number of copyrights. Now, let's talk about your father.
+Sure, okay. I'll talk about father. Father Christmas. That's what they call Santa Claus in England. They drive on the wrong side of the road there. Now that's crazy. People are always saying how small England is. But you couldn't fit it all in here. Not by a long shot. You know what? I'm cured.
+Marge get back here... and tell me about your father. What did he do for a living?
+Okay. Okay... But you're gonna make a big deal outta this. He was a pilot.
+A pilot? This is a big deal.
+You see.
+Marge this may not be the best time to bring this up, but uh, your last check bounced.
+Wait. I'm remembering something...
+Yes, Marge, there's still the matter of...
+I was a little girl...
+Goodbye, Margie. Be a good girl, now.
+Why does Daddy have to leave?
+Because he's a pilot. He flies all over the world.
+I want to see Daddy fly!
+Margie, oh come back!
+Daddy?! Daddy, where are you, Da...
+So who wants a pre-flight cookie? Fig Newtons, Hydrox?
+Don't look at me! DON'T LOOK AT ME!!
+My father was a stewardess.
+Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here. Today, male flight attendants or "Stewards" are common.
+They are?
+Yes. Thanks to trailblazers like your father. You might say he was a pioneer.
+Yeah... You might even say he was an American hero.
+Let's not go nuts. The important thing is that we've pinpointed the precise moment when you developed your fear of flying.
+Wait, some other stuff's coming back to me.
+Open wide. Here comes the airplane!
+This is what a corn field looks like, honey.
+You think those could also have contributed to my fear of flying?
+Yes, yes. It's all a rich tapestry.
+Oh well, Thank you, Doctor, you've changed my life!
+You know, Marge. We've really just begun to scratch the surface. There's still the far more serious problem of your husband.
+That's okay. You don't have to make her into some kind of superwoman. She can get on a plane. That's plenty.
+Thank you, Doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves I'll think Lowenstein, Lowenstein.
+My name is Zweig.
+Lowenstein.
+Don't worry about a thing, honey. I'm gonna help you through this.
+Those are all normal noises. Luggage compartment closing. Cross-checking. Just sit back and relax.
+That's just the engine powering up. That's just the engine struggling.
+That's just a carp swimming around your ankles.
+Uh, looks like you got a leak.
+Could you start fixing it pretty soon? The basement is getting awfully flooded. And I think the cat's down there.
+Yeah, I probably won't be able to get the parts I need for two--three weeks. And that's if I order 'em today. Which I won't.
+Oh dear.
+Hm, emergency call. Gotta go.
+What should we do until you get back?
+Put a pan down there.
+Aw, it didn't work.
+Lousy traffic jams. The traffic report'll get me outta this one.
+This is Arnie Pie.
+Looks like we got a little accident that's backing traffic up as far as this reporter can see.
+Hi, Dad.
+Hey, how come you guys got such great parking places?
+It's a secret.
+Shh-- shut up.
+All right, Econo-Save, you just made the list.
+Hey, will you guys help me fix my...
+Hey, how come you guys got better chairs than me?
+It's a secret.
+Shut up.
+Hey, you guys wanna go bowling tonight?
+Nah. We're busy.
+Yeah, we got uh, things to do.
+Like what?
+It's a secret.
+Shut up.
+I saved your life. That egg sandwich could have killed you by cholesterol.
+So anyway, Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesdays. And they don't tell me where they go. It's like a conspiracy.
+A conspiracy, eh? You think they might be involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way?
+I do... now. Anyway, I'm gonna follow them tonight and see where they go.
+Oh, Homer. Don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden?
+Well, something did.
+I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
+Oh, okay. Have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. I'm going outside. To stalk... ... Lenny and Carl.
+All I have to do is follow the yellow drip road.
+There's our secret meeting place.
+Yes. Let's go inside.
+Sounds good!
+Hee hee hee! I can see everything. And they're none the wiser, hee hee hee.
+An intruder!
+He will pay the ultimate price.
+Yes, the ultimate price.
+Ged oudda heah!
+I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird strange sick twisted eerie godless evil stuff. And I want in.
+We don't know what you're talkin' about Homer.
+And you can't join the Stonecutters because it's too exclusive.
+Oh well. That was a real nice secret organization we had once.
+Stonecutters, eh? How do I join?
+There are only two ways to gain membership. Be the son of a Stonecutter...
+Or save the life of a Stonecutter.
+Forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.
+So, one of those egg-counsel creeps got to you too, huh?
+You got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that.
+You'd better run, egg!
+Why don't people like me, Marge?
+Everyone likes you. You're a wonderful person.
+Then why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?
+I'm sure it's nothing personal, Homer.
+It is. It's been happening to me all my life.
+Hey, Billy, hey, Joey, come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry, not you, Homer.
+Why not?
+But you let in Homer Glumplet.
+It says "No Homers." We're allowed to have one.
+I felt so left out.
+Kids can be so cruel.
+We can? Thanks, Mom.
+Ow! Cut it out, Bart.
+I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters.
+What do they do there, Dad?
+I'm a member.
+What do they do? What don't they do! Oh they do so many things... they never stop... oh the things they do there! My stars.
+You don't know what they do there, do you?
+Not as such, no.
+I'm a Stonecutter.
+Dad, remember those self-hypnosis classes we took to help us ignore Grampa?
+Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge.
+I know, I know.
+Certainly.
+Maybe we should be listening to him now.
+I'm a member.
+You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa?
+Oh sure. Let's see...
+I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist... I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason... Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.
+This is it. My ticket in. They have to let me join if I'm the son of a member.
+I'll take this Communist one too.
+Comin' through! Can't throw me out! My father's a member! I'm in, I'm in!
+Okay, okay, Homer. You're in. Just don't point that thing at me!
+Aw, thanks, Lenny. When am I gonna be initiated?
+As soon as Number One gets here.
+Number one? Ha ha. What kind of stupid wiener name is that? "Hello, my name is Number One." And so forth.
+We call each other by number, not by name. Carl is number 14, I'm number 12. Burnsie is number 29.
+You outrank Mr. Burns here?
+Sure. Watch. Hey 29! Get over here!
+Thank you, sir, may I have another?
+Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder.
+Is he the leader?
+Of this chapter. There are chapters all over the world. And it has been foretold that someday a Chosen One will...
+Okay, okay, I didn't ask for your life story.
+Let the initiation begin.
+All Stonecutters must take the leap of faith. If you survive this five-story plunge, your character will be proven.
+Happy landings.
+I think I have to do it again. My blindfold came off.
+This ritual is called "Crossing the Desert."
+And this we call "The Unblinking Eye."
+Hey, have you ever noticed that the "Crossing the Desert" is a lot like "The Unblinking Eye" and it's exactly like "The Wreck of the Hesperus"?
+And now the final ordeal: the paddling of the swollen ass... with paddles.
+And by the Sacred Parchment I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs.
+Um... I think he should have to take a different oath.
+Everyone takes the same oath.
+Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the sacred order of the Stonecutters, who since ancient times have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong!
+...cause he's already kind of heavy you know and...
+Well to be honest, I never got around to ordering that part for ya, so uh, it's still gonna be a couple of weeks.
+Oh really?
+Really?
+Yes, yes.
+But what if I were to shake your hand in this wise?
+Well, I didn't realize you were a member.
+Heh heh heh! So long, suckers!
+Same old space, huh, Dad?
+Yep, but they gave me these Rollerblades so I can glide to the front door.
+Heh heh heh heh. Sweet.
+Jealous?
+Well... no. We've got the same chair.
+You're jealous.
+Your membership pack.
+What's this?
+You put that sticker on your car so you won't get any tickets. And this other one keeps paramedics from stealing your wallet while they're working on you.
+Everything lasts forever.
+Oh, and don't bother calling nine one one anymore. Here's the real number.
+I still don't believe all the founding fathers were Stonecutters.
+That's because you trust your stupid school books. Here's what really happened at the signing of the Declaration of Independence...
+... and a nation is born. Now let us party like 'twere seventeen ninety-nine!
+Quaff, quaff, quaff, quaff ...!
+Please, sir. You're destroying my establishment.
+We just created the greatest democracy on earth, you low-life commoner.
+You wanna see how Davy Crockett really died at the Alamo? You must be 18.
+Homer, a man who called himself "You Know Who" just invited you to a secret "wink wink" at the "you know what." You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter.
+Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul, and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.
+WHO CONTROLS THE BRITISH CROWN? /WHO KEEPS THE METRIC SYSTEM DOWN? / WE DO! WE DO!
+WHO LEAVES ATLANTIS OFF THE MAPS?
+WHO KEEPS THE MARTIANS UNDER WRAPS? /
+WE DO! WE DO!
+WHO HOLDS BACK THE ELECTRIC CAR? /
+WHO MAKES STEVE GUTTENBERG A STAR? / WE DO! / WE DO!
+WHO ROBS CAVE FISH OF THEIR SIGHT? /
+WHO RIGS EVERY OSCAR NIGHT? /
+WE DO! / WE DO!
+Thank you. Tonight we are here to commemorate our glorious society's 1500th Anniversary. And in honor of this momentous occasion, we're having ribs.
+Uh-oh. I need a bib. If I slop any on my shirt, I could lose the respect of my beloved brethren.
+The Black Panthers?
+So let us rejoice and enjoy our meal in the shadow of the hallowed sacred parchment.
+Huh? Oh. Yeah. Thanks, Lenny.
+/ This is just appalling and outrageous.
+What? Did I miss something?
+Oh God! / Oh Homer, no! / This is outrageous! / You can't do that! / No!
+You really are stupid.
+And the official Stonecutter underwear too.
+Please don't kick me out! This society is everything to me! Please give me another chance! I've learned my lesson.
+I've learned my lesson!
+/ That's it!
+Oh. Sorry.
+Homer Simpson: for your continuing and baffling desecration of our beloved sacred parchment, you are hereby banished from the Stonecutters forever. And as a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the stone of shame.
+The mark!
+Oh that. It's just a birth mark and I'll thank you not to stare.
+He's the chosen one!
+You are the Chosen One, whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory. Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation! Remove the stone of shame!
+Woo-hoo!
+Attach the stone of triumph.
+Wow. Mental note. Don't overdo this.
+Peek-a-boo!
+I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know. There is. And it's me.
+You're not a god, Homer.
+Remember, Dad. All glory is fleeting.
+Beware the Ides of March.
+Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever.
+Don't you see? Getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
+Remove the girl.
+Dad, you're not with the Stonecutters now. There are no lackeys around to carry out your every...
+Another strike for the Chosen One! Hurrah!
+Woo hoo!
+Well that's just an excellent break.
+Most assuredly. That's for sure. / Etc.
+Absolutely.
+Woo hoo!
+I'm out.
+No, no, Homer. You have a... royal... sampler.
+Oh I win again, don't I? Woo hoo.
+"Good one, Chosen One." Etc.
+You know, I think you guys are lettin' me win.
+No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
+From now on, I want you to be honest with me. I mean, I'm not perfect, right?
+The Grand Exalted Leader requests a moment of your time. Class dismissed.
+Lisa, you were right. My happiness is fading.
+You're experiencing spiritual emptiness because your power has isolated you from other human beings.
+What do you mean, isolated? ...ated...ated..ated..ated.
+Well maybe you could reach out to the community and help other people.
+Hm... I could help others. I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them reenact the Civil War .
+Dad, that doesn't help people.
+Couldn't hurt -- unless the monkeys start hurting people... which they almost certainly would.
+Brothers, brothers.
+Aw, Homie. You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
+Brothers, I've learned a wonderful lesson. Helping others makes our own lives better and makes us better people. So instead of just shooting pool and drinking beer, let us Stonecutters use what we have to help the less fortunate.
+He's gone mad with power. Like that Albert Schweitzer guy.
+Oh, for the love of God! Somebody get the jaws of life!
+Higher! Higher!
+Oh I'll give you higher, my filthy little urchin.
+You've won this round, but...
+Oh, thank you Mr. Simpson. It looks so much better. A beautiful sky-blue.
+You were right, Lisa. I've never felt so spiritually fulfilled. And with my brothers, the Stonecutters, behind me, this is the beginning of a better world for all of us.
+We gotta kill him.
+Take it easy, Moe. Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council before we act too rashly.
+Kill him!
+Kill him!
+Kill the fool!
+I'm afraid I have to disagree with Orville, Jack, and Mister. Can't we just do something to his voice box?
+We might as well face the truth. As long as we're Stonecutters, he will control our lives.
+Maybe... but maybe, we don't want to be Stonecutters no more.
+Silence! I now call to order the first meeting of the Ancient Mystic Society of NoHomers.
+Hey, fellas. Can I join?
+Sorry, no Homers.
+Loyal stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.
+Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these Colobus monkeys. Somebody's gonna get parasites.
+Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club.
+No. The family Simpson, which has just five members. And only two of those members have special rings.
+I meant our wedding rings.
+You know, Marge you're right. The Simpson family is the best possible club I could belong to.
+This club'd better be worth it.
+All right, all right. It's Lisa's turn.
+WHO CONTROLS THE BRITISH CROWN? / WHO KEEPS THE METRIC SYSTEM DOWN? / WE DO! WE DO! / WHO LEAVES ATLANTIS OFF THE MAPS? / WHO KEEPS THE MARTIANS UNDER WRAPS? / WE DO! WE DO! / WHO HOLDS BACK THE ELECTRIC CAR? / WHO MAKES STEVE GUTTENBERG A STAR? / WE DO! / WE DO! / WHO ROBS CAVE FISH OF THEIR SIGHT? / WHO RIGS EVERY OSCAR NIGHT? / WE DO! / WE DO!
+We now return to Knightboat: The Crime Solving Boat...
+Faster Knightboat, we've got to catch those starfish poachers.
+You don't have to yell Michael, I'm all around you.
+Oh no! They're headed for land.
+We'll never catch 'em now.
+Incorrect. Look. A canal.
+Go Knightboat, go!
+Every week there's a canal.
+Or an inlet.
+Or a fjord.
+Quiet. I will not hear another word against the Boat.
+Okay, TV off. It's family time.
+But Marge, Knightboat. The crime solving boat.
+Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week. Besides, that back-talking boat sets a bad example.
+Says you, woman.
+All right, family time begins now.
+It was Bart.
+Why don't we all look at the photo album?
+So many memories. Aw, look... Knightboat.
+Thanks honey. Bank shot.
+And here's our TV next to the mirror. It looks like we have two.
+Wow. Two.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah two. Let's get to the baby pictures.
+That's exciting.
+Oh please.
+Here's Bart sleeping... Here he is dozing... Here he is after a visit from the sandman... Ooh, here's nappy-time Bart... Here's a cute one, he's all tuckered out...
+Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie?
+Well, I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story.
+It all began about two years ago, before Maggie was even born. Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa you were the age Bart was several years ago.
+Get the camera ready, Bart very seepy.
+Listen carefully and my words will shape images as clear as any TV show. It was a tumultuous time for our nation. The clear beverage craze gave us all a reason to live.
+The Information Super-highway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about "Star Trek," and the domestication of the dog continued unabated.
+I was at my work station when suddenly...
+Attention American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of free-lance terrorists.
+Not on my shift.
+Oh no you don't!
+Simpson ten, terrorists eight.
+Homer! Tell the story right.
+Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man could make that kind of a smell.
+Your paychecks, gentlemen.
+Woo hoo! This is it! With this single glorious check, I'm finally completely out of debt.
+Good aim, Dad.
+Yes! With my bills paid off, I can finally quit this lousy job.
+But Homer, how're you gonna make a living?
+Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good.
+Hey, what did we do?
+Sorry, that just slipped out. I'll miss ya.
+Did you hear me? I said, I quit, Monty. And since I quit, I can do anything I want.
+Is that so?
+Ooh, lovely desk. It would be too bad if someone, oh, I don't know... didn't use a coaster!!
+Such a nice tidy office. Maybe it's time you started living like a pig!
+Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo head!
+I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.
+Yeah, way to play the boss' head like a bongo, Homer.
+He's gettin' a pretty good sound outta that guy.
+That's for employing me for eight years! Ha ha.
+And that is that. Goodbye mind-numbing, back-breaking labor forever. Hello dream job in paradise.
+And now the final phase of my plan.
+Hey Barney, any chance you can get me a job here?
+Hey sure, Homer. I told you, my uncle owns the place.
+Hey, Uncle Al, can Homer have a job?
+Woo hoo!
+Barney, you're fired.
+Show up tomorrow. Bring three rags. Oh, and a change of pants.
+When it happens, you'll know.
+You're a pin-monkey? Wow. Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job.
+I think it's romantic. Throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream... of sorts.
+I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin-monkey salary?
+Don't worry, Marge. I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget. There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart and Lisa, if we make a few small sacrifices.
+From now on we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind...
+And only one of you kids can go to college.
+That night your mother and I went out for a romantic evening to celebrate the start of our new life. We began with dinner and dancing... followed by a stroll on the beach...
+Marge...
+Homer...
+I've got sand in my underpants.
+Me too. Let's go home.
+I love you, Marge.
+I love you too, Homie.
+Everything in our lives is finally perfectly balanced. I hope things stay exactly like this forever.
+Woo hoo!
+Did you have to be so graphic?
+It's okay, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.
+So Dad, were you excited that mom was pregnant?
+Actually, your mother hadn't told me yet. At that time, I had no idea Maggie even existed.
+Hi Maggie.
+So anyhoo, back then there was no way for me to know your mother was pregnant.
+Marge, you tie up the bathroom every morning. I've got to wash my hair.
+The next few weeks at my dream job were like a wonderful waking coma.
+Mmm... bowling fresh.
+Mmm... urinal fresh.
+In science: dead last.
+Homer, did you polish your head in the "Shine-O Ball-O?"
+Okay then.
+...I slowly learned the intricate mysteries of the alley, like where the pins go after they're knocked down.
+I was in heaven. If horse racing is the sport of kings, then surely bowling... is a very good sport as well.
+Hey, great job, Homer. / Thanks a lot./ You're the best.
+I'M GONNA MAKE IT AFTER ALL!
+Congratulations Mrs. Simpson, you're pregnant.
+Am I to take it that this is... an unwanted pregnancy?
+Oh no, no. N-not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet; and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this.
+Well, you know, a healthy baby can bring upwards of sixty-thousand dollars.
+Of course, that was just a test. Had you reacted differently, why you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test.
+So in a few months both of you will have a brand new brother or sister.
+Been there, done that.
+I hope it's a girl.
+You know nothin' about genetics, Lis. It goes boy, girl, boy, girl.
+You're worried about telling dad, aren't you, mom?
+Why do you say that?
+Well, you've been in my room for about four hours now.
+Hey, I'm just hangin'.
+Homie, I--
+Can't talk, praying. Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is.
+Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts.
+Well, it was my major.
+So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign. Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
+Oogie boogie, boogie, boogie, boo,
+I've got to tell Homer about this baby in just the right way and at just the right time. Until then please, keep this to yourselves.
+If he found out now it would probably destroy him, huh?
+Oh yes.
+Gotta go.
+Wait a minute, wait, I know that look. Now promise you won't tell Homer.
+Oh, we promise we won't tell... Homer.
+Hello, is this A. Aaronson? It might interest you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again...
+Just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zowkowski.
+There. Aaronson and Zowkowski are the two biggest gossips in town. In an hour everyone will know.
+Ah... another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
+Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
+Thank you. Thank you very much. It is nice work.
+Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.
+It's true, the bundle is little. But I'm not in it for the money.
+Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant. Heh, heh, heh.
+This is getting very abstract, but thank you. I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
+Surprise! Baby Shower!
+Baby shower?! You know I haven't told Homer yet, and he'll be home any minute.
+Oh really.
+Man. It's windy as hell out there.
+Hmmm. With little, tiny, baby-sized gifts. Well... I'll be in the tub.
+By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
+New job?... Marge is pregnant?! Nooooo!
+Wow, Dad. You really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
+Oh just that one time.
+Actually, when I was about to have Bart...
+You're pregnant?!
+And then when I told him about Lisa...
+You're pregnant again?!
+Well who wouldn't be upset? That new baby in your mother's womb was a ticking time bomb threatening to blow this family eight ways from Sunday! Hey, where're you going?
+Dad, you can't expect a person to sit for thirty minutes straight.
+I'm gonna get a snack and maybe go to the bathroom.
+I'll stay here, but I'm gonna think about products I might like to purchase.
+Ooh, I don't have that.
+You're pregnant! We're gonna have to have a baby! All our financial plans are ruined. We're doomed! Doomed I tells ya!
+Homer! Let your father tell the story.
+Okay, but I know funny.
+Anyhoo...
+We're doomed!
+Homer, you had a head.
+And your bottom was a little bigger.
+You've worked hard at the bowling alley. Why don't you ask for a raise?
+Yeah, a raise! I've never been good enough at any job to deserve one before. But I'm damn good at this one. That's it! I'm gonna march right up to Al and say...
+Steve -- I mean Al, I think I deserve a raise.
+Well, you're a hard worker and I'd like to give you a raise, but the alley just ain't doin' enough business to pay that kind of money.
+When he's done in there, I gotta go.
+How about if I triple the business? Then could I get a raise?
+Well yeah, but how--
+Of course!
+Bowling! Bowling here! Come bowl now! Get yer bowling! Who's ready?! Bowling!
+Mom! Make Dad tell the story right.
+That's what really happened.
+My marketing plan attracted a record number of police and fire officials, but few stayed to bowl. I failed. Quitting my dream job was the hardest thing I've ever done.
+You did a great job Homer, and I'm really gonna miss you. The place has never been cleaner, and the way you kept the young people away... That was beautiful.
+Anyway, we all pitched in and we got you this little goin' away thing.
+This was the happiest time of my life. I'll never forget you guys. Especially you, Joey.
+See ya 'round, Mr. Homer.
+Don't worry, Joey. We'll make it to California some day.
+Sure we will, Mr. Homer. Sure we will.
+It's gonna be sad around here without you, Homer.
+Boy, this is depressing.
+Hey, I know what would cheer us up... Bowling!
+I needed more money to support my growing family. And there was only one place in town that a man like me could make it.
+Uh-oh. Acid rain again.
+Yes, are you a new applicant?
+Actually, I quit and I came to get my job back.
+Through there.
+So, come crawling back, eh?
+Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.
+Thanks for giving me my old job back.
+I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
+Uh sir, that's the plaque.
+Ah yes, the special demotivational plaque, to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever.
+"Don't forget, you're here forever."
+I've never been so miserable in all my life. But I can't take it out on Marge and the kids. I've got to carry the burden all by myself.
+Hi honey, how are you?
+Well, actually -
+I can't go on with this charade any longer. I hate my job. I hate my life. And ever since I found out about this baby there's been nothing but bad luck.
+My contractions started an hour ago.
+It's just in one ear and out the other with you isn't it, Marge.
+This is incredible! It's God's most wondrous miracle!
+Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.
+My wife? Where?! Where?!
+Congratulations! It's a boy!
+Argh -- you're truly the catch of the day!
+It's wonderful! It's magical! Oh boy, here it comes - another mouth.
+One more push should do it.
+Marvelous.
+Congratulations, Mr. Simpson. You have a beautiful, healthy baby.
+Homie, I think someone is saying hello.
+Hello. Aw. It's a boy... And what a boy.
+Uh, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.
+A girl! Oh Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl! Not just a girl, the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world!
+Come on Marge, show a little enthusiasm.
+So, you loved her right from the start.
+Absolutely.
+Then why no pictures?
+Oh, there are pictures. I keep them where I need the most cheering up.
+And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free Science Week ever, our grand finale! The launching of a weather balloon.
+Yay! Go weather balloon! Hurrah for science! Woo!
+Hurrah for science, woo? I can't say I approve of the woo, but the hurrah was quite heartening. Release the balloon.
+Yayyyy!
+Nooooooo!
+I don't think I really captured the eyes.
+Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection. If you have a failing.
+Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions!
+Careful children, that's my car.
+Destroy that balloon.
+Tango Fourteen, we're being fired at. I'm gettin' an exact ID on the bogie now.
+Iraqis again. Launching Sidewinder missile.
+Missed him. Launching second Sidewinder missile.
+This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care.
+It's a good program. Just give it a chance, that's all I ask.
+It won't come down for months. Curse the man who invented helium. Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen! Now to find out who did this.
+Bart? Empty your pockets.
+And you've never found anything?
+Empty my pockets you say? Well, certainly, but I fail to see how...
+Hmmm... blueprints of the dummy, ... notarized photos of you making the dummy... and an alternate wording for the banner: "Buttzilla."
+Race you to Utah, Milhouse.
+I am going to punish you for this, Bart. And it won't just be a simple caning this time.
+Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science. Yes. Starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy. Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth. Four-thirty in the morning.
+There's a four-thirty in the morning now?
+Top of the hour. Time for the morning news. But, of course, there is no news yet. Everyone's still asleep. In their comfy, comfy beds. Good night everybody.
+Mom, will you make me breakfast?
+There's a stuffed pepper in the trash from last night. Just rinse it good...
+Come home, Lassie! Here boy! C'mon girl! Atta boy!
+Still dark. Better use the generator.
+Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention... Science has it all!
+Is that the telescope we're gonna be looking through?
+Yes, but you won't be looking through it. I forbid it. But you don't need a telescope to enjoy astronomy, Bart. There are all the constellations you've heard so much about.
+There's Orion... the Swan...the chariot race...
+Why don't they look anything like their names?
+Well, you do have to use your imagination. Look, there's the Three Wise Men.
+Who names these things anyway?
+Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me.
+Once. But by the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. I got back at him though. Him and that little boy of his. Anyway... that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me. Now, this morning we're gonna be mapping a small square of sky that's thought to be empty. It's my hope that it's not.
+So what am I supposed to do exactly?
+Just write down my findings as I give them to you. Six hours, nineteen minutes, right ascension, fourteen degrees, twenty-two minutes declination... No sighting.
+Uh huh.
+Six hours, nineteen minutes, right ascension, fourteen degrees, twenty-three minutes declination... No sighting.
+Uh huh.
+Six hours, nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees fifty-eight minutes declination... No sighting. Did you get that one, Bart?
+Hell no.
+Good... My stars! Give me the phone! Quick!
+Check out six-nineteen-fourteen-fifty-nine.
+No, no there's no need for that... it's already named after me.
+It's coming pretty close to the ground. Maybe I can catch it. Don't touch the telescope, Bart. Even a slight change in elevation can destroy a whole morning's work.
+Woo! All hands on deck! Pirates off the port bow! Hey!
+Observatory? This is Bart Simpson. I see something in the sky at... four, twelve, eight, and the last number is seven.
+Ah got you, my rumpy doppelganger.
+I've got it! What are you doing? Give me that phone.
+Congratulations, Bart. You've just discovered a comet.
+NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!
+NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!
+NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!
+...And then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.
+Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.
+Yeah, except I forgot to go to work.
+What did you do today, Bart?
+What didn't I do.
+Boy Discovers Comet.
+"A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as 'The Bart Simpson Comet.'" Oh honey, I'm so proud of you.
+But then, you've always been proud of me.
+Won't you join us, Bart?
+Uh... I guess so.
+As the first student at Springfield Elementary to discover a comet, we're very proud to make you a member of our very select group. Welcome to SuperFriends!
+Welcome, SuperFriend!
+I am called "Ham," since I enjoy ham radio. This is "E-Mail," "Cosine," "Report Card," "Database" and "Lisa". Your nickname will be "Cosmos."
+Well I'm done eating. Goodbye.
+Goodbye Cosmos! / Bye-bye!
+Perhaps some night you could show us your comet.
+There it is right there.
+I make it a point never to turn my head unless I expect to see something, Bart. Naturally we can't see your comet in broad daylight and without a telescope.
+But you don't need a stupid telescope. It's right there.
+Oh no no no no! This isn't right at all!
+It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed.
+Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is gonna collide with the earth and every living thing in its path will be killed.
+I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet Lisa. You've always been petty and small. Right from the beginning.
+We must alert the proper authorities.
+To the observatory!
+We are the SuperFriends...
+Hey, shut up.
+Dear God.
+Warren, we've talked about you hogging the eyepiece.
+Sounds like the Doomsday Whistle. Ain't been blown for nigh on to three years.
+Trouble a brewin'.
+Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I caught the very next plane to Springfeld - field.
+First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky, and yes, it is going to hit Springfield.
+You uh, don't need to applaud that. Now, here's what we think the impact might look like. Show them, Jerry.
+Oh dear God, no!
+Fortunately we have a plan. Professor Frink?
+Good evening, ladies and...
+Quit stalling! What's the plan?!
+Alright, just take your seat, just take your seat.
+Now, working with former Carter Administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement for various reasons, which we won't go into here , we have planned this defense for the city.
+As the comet hurtles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens.
+Oh, dear God, no!
+...and that will be the end of Mr. Comet.
+Yay! / We're saved! / Etc.
+Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet? It's going to be destroyed. Didn't you hear what the guy in the building said?
+But, Dad, don't you think...
+Then it is unanimous. We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of...
+Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rain forest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem, and they fixed it. Didn't they?
+No, Dad, I don't think...
+There's that word again.
+Homer, what if this doesn't work?
+Well then, I have a back-up plan. See, while the unprepared are still sitting around twiddling their thumbs and going doo-doo-doo-dee-doo-do-doo...
+Dad, the plan!
+I'm getting to that. So anyway, they're going, doo-dee-doo-do-doo...
+So anyway we get in our car and take the bridge out of town, while all the while they're still going, doo-dee-doo-do-doo...
+Daaad, they're firing the rocket!
+All right!
+YAYYYY!
+Gllllll.
+It blew up the bridge!
+We're doomed!
+It's at times like this I wish I were a religious man.
+It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!
+And, like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high and lost control of its servo-guidance mechanism, leaving us with some... six hours to live. So! Let's go live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of town, with Arnie Pye and "Arnie In The Sky."
+With the bridge gone, and the airport unfortunately on the other side of the bridge, a number of citizens are attempting to jump the gorge with their cars.
+It's a silent testament to the "never give up" and "never think things out" spirit of our citizens.
+With our utter annihilation imminent, our Federal Government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress ...
+It's a pony.
+Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
+All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-Pervert bill?
+Bill defeated.
+I've said it before and I'll say it again. Democracy simply doesn't work. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay.
+Turn it off.
+Just a second.
+What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet. Big deal. It'll burn up in our atmosphere, and whatsever left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head.
+Wow, Dad. Maybe you're right.
+Of course I'm right. If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow.
+Okay, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter.
+We have a bomb shelter?
+Homer Simpson takes care of his family.
+Flanders! Open up!
+Hi-de-ho-e-roonie, neighbor. What can I do you for?
+Get out of there. My family needs to use your bomb shelter.
+I kinda figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families.
+No deal. Out.
+Get in the shelter, Homer.
+One more hour.
+An hour! I can't wait another hour. What's keeping that stupid comet?
+THERE it is.
+Well, Howdilly doodilly neighbors. Shouldn't you be in your sheltereenees by now?
+We haven't got sheltereenees. We want in yours.
+Well sorry, the shelter's kinda full.
+Really? Oh. Well, we'll just go off someplace and die then. Thanks.
+I may regret this when our air runs out and we can't whistle or stay alive, but oh, what the hey...
+All right!
+I can't get the... I can't get the door closed. Somebody's going to have to get out.
+I'd get out, but I don't know where I am.
+Hey, somebody's touching me.
+Oh, okay.
+Okay, okay, let's figure out who should stay. Let's see... the world of the future will need laughter, so I'm in.
+And it will need somebody to dispense drinks, i.e. me. Um, and someone will have to run the power. Uh, you can do that, Homer.
+Uh, yeah. I can do that.
+Okay, let's start again. We'll need laughter, religious enlightenment, gossip -- that's Mrs. Lovejoy...
+Wait a minute. We all know the one thing we won't need in the future: left handed stores. That's you, Flanders.
+I'm terribly sorry. Flanders is the only useless person here. If anyone dies, it should be him. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. So let's kick Flanders out. Sorry.
+Well sir, sounds fair. Toodle-oo, everybody. I'll, I'll scream when the comet gets here.
+Oh, I'm coming with you, Neddy.
+No, sweetheart, you stay here because--
+I might go mad with fear out there, so Todd, I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in.
+Okay, Dad.
+QUE SERA, SERA / WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE / THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE...
+Hey, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and uh, you all try to guess what it is.
+It's a pig!
+It's a cow, man.
+No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats.
+There are no lady goats. A lady goat is a sheep.
+I believe she's right.
+You're crazy.
+Arrr, what's it to ya?
+What's it to me?
+Stop it, stop it. Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart?!
+QUE SERA, SERA / WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE...
+Say Moe, was it a duck?
+No, no! Shut up! Shut up! Stop it, stop it! I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you. Especially his children. I'm goin' out there.
+And it was a baby ox.
+He's right, ya know.
+About the ox?
+About everything, dammit! Hey, Homer, wait up! I wanna die too!
+If you are going, I'm going.
+Me too.
+WHEN I WAS JUST A LITTLE GIRL / I ASKED MY MOTHER WHAT WILL I BE / WILL I BE PRETTY, WILL I BE RICH? / HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID TO ME...
+QUE SERA, SERA / WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE / THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE, QUE SERA, SER--
+It's breaking up!
+We're saved!
+Sure makes you appreciate the preciousness of life.
+Let's go burn down the observatory so this'll never happen again.
+I can't believe that extra thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against is what burned up the comet.
+What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
+Yeah, dad was right.
+I know kids, I'm scared too.
+When Krusty wants to he can still blow 'em away.
+Yes. He can take a simple, everyday thing like eating a bicycle and make it funny.
+See you tomorrow, kids. But before I go I'd just like to say...
+Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette, UNLESS it's a cigarette lit with a $100 bill.
+Put five thousand bucks on the Lakers... Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator... My house is dirty, buy me a clean one...
+Krusty, as your accountant, I must warn you you're spending too much mon--
+Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave?
+Yes, but she's still...
+I don't want to hear the end of any sentences...
+George Carlin on three.
+Yeah? Lawsuit? Oh, come on! My "Seven words you can't say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven words you can't say on TV" bit. So I'm a thief, am I? Well exCUSE MEEEEEEEEE!
+Give him ten grand.
+Steve Martin on four.
+Ten grand.
+Krusty, in regards to the large wager you made on yesterday's horse race...
+Oh, come on. How about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight?
+Who do you like?
+The tenor.
+Okay. But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us so consistently... up.
+You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Krusty.
+No can do.
+And those ridiculous bets you make! Gambling is the finest thing a person can do, if he's good at it. But you haven't won anything in months.
+So I'll just make some more money. Crank out some cheesy merchandise.
+I am holding still. I am squirming.
+But you've already merchandized everything: Krusty's Monopoly Game,... the Krusty Krowd Kontrol Barrier. Nothing is selling anymore. Not even your new "Lady Krusty" line.
+But our info-mercials are running twenty-four hours a day.
+So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty Moustache Removal System now, Angelique?
+It's Krusterific, Johnny Unitas, but is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?
+Probably.
+At this rate you'll be broke in a month. The only thing left to do is to open a clown college and train some "regional" Krustys.
+You mean like that bozo, Bonko the Clown?
+Exactly.
+Forget it. I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelettes. Mmmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now.
+I'll found the college tomorrow.
+It must be the first of the month! New billboard day!
+Finders keepers.
+"This year give her English Muffins." Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard.
+"Best in the West." It rhymes.
+Clown college? You can't eat that.
+Well, I got everything I was supposed to get. I'm not going to enroll in that clown college though. That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.
+Hey, Homer. The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire.
+Clowns are funny.
+I think I'll have some wine.
+Yes, Homie?
+That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
+I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
+Hurry up -- it's my first day of clown college.
+Hold still, Homer. Don't squirm.
+Dad, you can't just go around pretending to be Krusty. It's sacrilege. He's a one and only. I mean, he invented the pie fight, the prat fall, and the seltzer bottle... as far as I know.
+Yeah dad, it was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley. But Krusty!
+You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi.
+What's a Chachi?
+All right. Now, there can only be one Krusty in each territory, so I hope this works out. Tell me where you're from.
+Georgia.
+Uh... Brooklyn.
+Russia.
+New Hampshire.
+Okay, we'll start off with the baggy p...wha?
+Those are supposed to be baggy pants. Baggy!
+Ooh, I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.
+Okay, memorize these funny place names. Walla Walla, Keokuk, Cucamonga, Seattle...
+Stop it! You're killing me! Seattle...
+And now everybody's favorite, the "spin cycle fantastique" trick. It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off, but if you blow it, you'll look like a fool.
+Steady, steady...
+Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong.
+Kill wealthy dowager.
+Uh, burn that seat.
+These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each, but get a cheap one and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost yA? Hey Bill, what did that cost us?
+Wow. I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad.
+If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.
+Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your hometowns and do kids' parties, swap meets, and all the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a ten foot clown pole. Now come and get your cat skins -- Uh, I mean sheep skins.
+This is the happiest day of my life. A-YAH-ha.
+Got it! No shock for me .
+Oh yeah?
+And now, to help introduce our fantastic new burger, the one with ketchup, here he is, coming in by parachute.... Krusty the Klown!
+To- Audience -I - now - proclaim - this - new - burger... for sale.
+Lord save me.
+It's the Krusty Burglar!
+Omigod! He's stealing all the burgers! Why you little - I've got you!
+Homer, it's all just an act.
+Stop! Stop! He's already dead!
+Krusty the Clown everybody!
+Please look at my Medic Alert bracelet.
+Hey, hey.
+And - then - take - that, and - put - that - in - there - and Ah. Here's your giraffe, little girl.
+I'm a boy.
+That's the spirit. Never give up.
+Well, I guess you're pretty impressed, huh Bart? My dad got Krusty the Klown to personally appear at my party.
+I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house.
+I don't know, Bart. My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.
+Uh, it's not 5:30 yet.
+Hey, nice threads.
+I'm beat, and after work I've got to dedicate a new jiffy lube and co-host the Ace Awards.
+Wow, jiffy lube.
+You've stolen my soul.
+Boy, you're really running yourself ragged.
+Oh yeah. When I started this clown thing I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown? I tell ya, it's hard, tiring work, but when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.
+Well my time's almost up here, so uh, I'd just like to say I know Woody Allen.
+And now the winner for the most promising new series on cable: old "Starsky and Hutches."
+Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played "Huggy Bear."
+Let's walk and talk. I ah, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.
+Uh, can't. I've got to go distract bulls at a rodeo.
+Hey! Me too! We can go together.
+Uh... no. I'm going a different way than you, Dick.
+Your churlish attitude reminds me of the time I was having dinner with Groucho, and...
+Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it.
+Being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.
+Well, well, well "Velocity Boy," I am gonna give you the biggest ticket you... Hey! Krusty!
+I'm not Krusty.
+Oh, to think I was going to give you a ticket! Krusty the Klown!
+I am not Krusty.
+Hey Krusty, Krusty, remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store? Memories. All right, you take it easy, Krusty.
+Hey, he didn't give me a ticket! This is an intriguing development.
+You mean I get 5% off on everything in the store just because I look like... I mean, just because I am Krusty the clown?
+How could I charge full price to the man whose lust for filthy magazines kept me in business during that first shaky year? By the way, here is your new issue of "Gigantic Asses."
+I'm telling you, Marge, this will work. They'll think I'm Krusty and give us free stuff. I've been gettin' free stuff all day. Look at this swell bucket of house paint.
+Look at it.
+I'm not saying it won't work. I'm just saying it's dishonest.
+Well if we agree, then why are we arguing?
+Hey, Krusty! Hey, ooh, beautiful date tonight! And such lovely children you have now!
+I'm more striking than lovely.
+You come with me. Come with Liugi.
+You don't want to sit with the rest of this scum.
+I only consider you scum compared to Krusty.
+Yeah, you see how you're scum.
+Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?
+I thought the Generals were due.
+He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball!
+That game was fixed. They were using a freakin' ladder for god's sake!
+I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.
+Look, I'm cleaned out. Just take the clown college.
+We have already taken it.
+Kids have a lot of money these days, so, after you finish your performance, you might consider robbing 'em.
+Look, what can I tell ya? You can't get blood from a turnip. You wanna kill me? Go ahead and kill me.
+Hey! Hey! All right, okay, already. Look, we can talk this over.
+No more talk. It is time for us to take you for a ride.
+Mind if I go to the bathroom first?
+I see no harm in that.
+Okay, wherever Krusty's gone, we'll find him. Legs, you check out the East Side. Louie, Rome and Budapest. Tell the boys I want a total world search.
+Right, Boss.
+I want a free car because I'm Krusty. Krusty the clown! Get it? Krus-ty!
+Cancel the world search.
+I want everything that's coming to Krusty the clown, which is me... Krusty.
+Hey! It's Krusty all right. Should I shoot him gangland-style or execution-style?
+Listen to your heart.
+Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty... but I can let you have this little number for practically nothing. Only thirty-eight thousand.
+Hey, what are these holes?
+These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.
+Oh yeah. Speed holes.
+You want my advice? I think you should buy this car.
+We need more ammo. Let's go to Big five.
+Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now when I remove the bandages don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.
+I look exactly the same, you moron!
+Nonsense Krusty, you look at least ten years younger. Plus I did your breasts.
+Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts? Ah, what's the use in hiding? I gotta go back to Springfield and face the music. Can you loan me bus fare?
+Hey hey hey hey hey.
+Whatcha diddily doin', neighbor?
+Putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster.
+Is that so? Well gee... maybe the old FlandersMobile could use a...
+Lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart.
+Lucky I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside.
+What keeps doin' that?
+I told you we should've bought more than three bullets. Let's just grab him.
+But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
+The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
+Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah. Barney Gumbel.
+The same Barney Gumbel who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
+Uh... actually my real name is uh... Think, Krusty, think... Joe Valachi.
+The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
+Benedict Arnold!
+The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
+I am so glad I had a chance to meet you before we did this, Krusty, because I am a great-a fan. Don Vittorio Dimaggio.
+Krusty the clown.
+Sorry, I have to do this, Krusty.
+I cannot do it. To murder a funnyman of such genius would be a crime. Tell you what, Krusty. Do for me my favorite trick where you ride the little bike through the loop, and I will let you live.
+But, I've never been able to do the...
+How 'bout if I just squirt you in the face with my boutonniere?
+I'll never be able to do this trick... never.
+Go! Go!
+Hey! I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm the greatest clown in the world!
+The fact that you did not do the trick well is the biggest insult of all.
+Hey, guys, I came to uh... Uh, you've got a deadly game of cat and mouse goin'. I'll come back.
+I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys.
+Payroll. Burt Stanton speaking.
+Krusty! Oh thanks! Thanks a lot! You came here to save me!
+Yeah, that's what I did.
+My apologies to you. I almost made a grievous error.
+Goodbye, Krusty.
+Wait! He can't kill anybody if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty!
+I am confused.
+Heh-heh, good one, Krusty.
+Oh crap.
+Because of that disrespectful display, I shall now kill both of you... Unless... you both go through the loop. Together.
+I can't see, you idiot! Take your hands off my eyes!
+Without the loop, it is nothing.
+Yayyyyy Krustys!
+Grazie. Grazie. You have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype.
+No, no, Don Vittorio, you're not.
+Yes I am. I know it. I am. Anyway, thank-a you, Krusty.
+You're welcome. So, we're even now, huh?
+No. We just won't kill you. But you still owe us the money. Forty-eight dollars.
+Here's fifty.
+And two, your change. And we thank you.
+Go, toothpaste! Go! Move your pasty white butt!
+Come on, shampoo! You can do it!
+Yay! I won your stupid bathroom products race!
+No fair! You only won 'cause you had the inside track! If the water was spinning the other way--
+It never spins the other way. In the Northern hemisphere, water always drains counter-clockwise. It's called the Coriolis effect.
+No way. Water doesn't obey your "rules." It goes where it wants. Like me, babe.
+Yes, Bart. Why don't you try it and see?
+I know I've seen it go the other way. Ah, faithful toilet. You'll prove me right.
+I'm a singing in the show... Hot! Yeow! Cold! Ow! Hot! Cold! Hot! Ow! Who's! Doing! That?!
+Oh, for Pete's sake, Bart! Use the plunger!
+Bart, water will only go the other way in the Southern Hemisphere.
+What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?
+Haven't you ever looked at your globe?
+See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up of everything below the Equa... this line.
+Hmm, so down there in, say, Argentina or Rand-McNally all their water runs backwards?
+Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand-McNally, they wear hats on their feet, and hamburgers eat people.
+Hello, Southern Hemisphere? Which way does the water go in your toilet?
+Just a minute. I'll check.
+Aw, nuts.
+Please to repeat again and I will translating for the El Presidente.
+Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
+Dice que el curso está cambiando!
+Ay! Carumba! Los insurgentes ya van a capturar la capital! Necesito huir!
+I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere!
+Eine minuten! Eine minuten!
+Ach. Das wagenfone est eine nuisancefone.
+Buenos noches, mein Fuhrer!
+Ja, ja.
+Bart, you can't actually call these places! Don't you know how expensive international calls are?
+Hello, operator? I'd like to make a collect call to...
+Australia.
+This is the international operator. Will you accept a collect call from...
+Er, uh, this is Dr. Bart Simpson of the International Drainage Commission. It's an emergency.
+If it's an emergency, then.
+We understand some drains in your area have been malfunctioning, sucking in people and what-not.
+Whillikers! That's orful!
+Indeed. We need you to check your sinks and toilets and tell us which way the water is going. And, please -- stand clear!
+The fixtures, they're all draining clockways, sir.
+She was right. Stupid Lisa Science Queen. Look, why don't you just check your neighbor's drains. I'll hold.
+Hey, Bart! The bakery caught fire and all of downtown smells like cookies! Wanna go smell?
+Yes. Yes I do.
+Hullo? Sir? Sir?
+I've returned from the Koolamuggery's place. They're draining clockways, too.
+Draining? Oh, I don't care about that anymore.
+Are we in any dange--
+Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
+No, I'm gonna ask Marge.
+Nine hundred dollaridoos?! Tobias! Did you accept a six hour collect call from the States?
+It was an emergency call from the International Drainage Commission in Springfield.
+Oh my God, there's nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?
+Y'ello?
+Right, I'm calling all the way from Squatter's Crag, Australia, and I want to speak to a Dr. Bart Simpson right now!
+Uhh... Hold please.
+All right, but I don't--
+Oy! I said "Bart Simpson!" What kind of a company is th--
+Bart Simpson's office.
+Well thank the great good lord. Look, I was just--
+One moment, please.
+Who do they think I am? Some stupid Aussie drongo? Bleedin' Yanks, I oughta --
+This is Bart Simpson. Can I help you, Ma'am?
+Hey! My name is Bruno Drundridge, right? You owe me nine hundred dollars, mate!
+No. You owe me nine hundred dollars.
+You're just some punk kid, aren't you? Ooh, you picked the wrong guy to tangle with here, mate!
+I don't think so. You're all the way in Australia. Hey, I think I hear a dingo eatin' your baby.
+Yeah, well... That's it. I'm gonna report this to me Member of Parliament!
+Hey, Gus! I got somethin' to report to you!
+That's a bloody outrage, it is! I'm gonna take this all the way to the Prime Minister!
+Hey, Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!
+Ay, mates! What's the good word?
+Mr. Simpson... blah blah... misrepresentation over telephone... yadda yadda... Sincerely... Some Australian jerk.
+Hey! I need that!
+"Office of the Solicitor General?" "Office of the Prime Minister?" "Hopping Mad Collection Agency?" What is all this stuff?
+Nothing. Some stupid country thinks I owe them money.
+Uh-oh. Bart, you better talk to Mom and Dad about this.
+Hey, guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors... I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
+Psh, that's no reason to block the TV.
+Bart, did you trick an Australian boy into accepting a nine hundred dollar collect call?
+There it is. "Aust-rali-a." I'll be damned...
+Look at this country: "U - r - gay."
+Oh, my. Hello, I'm Evan Conover, with the U.S. State Department.
+Undersecretary for International Protocol. Brat and Punk Division.
+Unfortunately, Bart, your little "escapade" could not have come at a worse time. Americo-Australianian relations are at an all-time low.
+As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980's, the U.S. experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture.
+For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't.
+I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.
+Anyway, the "down under" fad fizzled, and the diplomatic climate turned absolutely frosty.
+Oops. Let's pretend we didn't see that.
+And Bart's childish taunting agitated the Aussies further.
+Oh, he'll agitate ya. Ho, ho. He sure will. What can we do for you?
+Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money, but as a sign of good faith to our Australian friends, we'd like to imprison Bart for five years.
+That's tough but fair. Boy, go with the man.
+No, no, no, no! I'm not gonna have my son go to jail over some silly tiff with Australia! You'll just have to find some other country to have relations with.
+You're sure now, the prison train is sailing... Okay, I'm not hearing a lot of support for prison. There is one other option. They'll drop the charges if... Bart makes a public apology in Australia.
+All Bart has to do is apologize, and we get a free trip to Australia?
+I can handle that. I'm an expert at phony apologies.
+I'm sorry.
+That's better.
+We left at 1:30 P.M. Monday. What time is it now?
+Check mate.
+It's 6:45 A.M. next Wednesday. You may also be interested to know that it's summer here, not winter.
+What does that sign say? I thought they spoke English in this country!
+It says you can't bring in outside plants or animals. Any foreign creature you bring in could upset the environmental balance.
+Sorry, girl. I don't wanna get in any more trouble down here.
+I'll pick you up on the way home.
+Hey, are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything?
+No, sir. U.S. Marine Corps, sir.
+Oh, yeah, this is the life. Boy, next summer, can you commit some fraud in Orlando, Florida?
+I'm way ahead of ya, Dad.
+Kno-ock! Simpsons, I'd like you to meet our ambassador, the Honorable Averell Ward.
+Hello. Now, everything is all set for Bart's apology. Mr. Conover will meet you at the Parliament House at three P.M. Any questions?
+Yeah. Do the toilets go backwards in here?
+No. To combat homesickness, we've installed a device that makes them swirl the correct, American way.
+SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY... OF THEE I SING.
+Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
+Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir.
+Really? Look, boy! Now I'm in Australia! Now I'm in America!
+Australia! America! Austr--
+I get it, Dad.
+Homer, that's enough.
+--alia! America, Australia, Ameri-- ow!
+Here in America we don't tolerate that kind of crap, sir.
+"Australia was originally founded as a settlement for British convicts." Lisa, watch your camera.
+You call that a knife. This is a knife.
+That's not a knife. That's a spoon.
+All right, all right, you win. I see you've played knife-y spoony before.
+Hey, gimme one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about.
+Something wrong, yank?
+No. It's pretty big, I guess.
+I'll just have a cup of coffee.
+Beer it is.
+No. I said coffee.
+Coff - ee!
+Bee-eer.
+C... O...
+B... E...
+We'll meet you boys back here for dinner. Good luck honey.
+Bart, I'm sorry I'm gonna miss your public humiliation, but the Woolumbaloo Dirt Monument is just too exciting to pass up.
+Hear ye, hear ye. This session will now come to order. With the cooperation of the U.S. Department of State, we have present today one Bart Simpson.
+I believe he has something to say. Bart?
+I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did to your country.
+Well, you're free to go, Bart. Right after your additional punishment.
+Punishment?!
+Well, a mere apology would be a bit empty, eh? Let the booting begin!
+Booting?
+Oh, it's just a little kick in the bum.
+Yuh-oh.
+What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?!
+Mr. Simpson, shhsh! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense. It's one of their proudest traditions.
+You sold us out, Conover!
+Stay back or I'll boot your Prime Minister! I'll do it! So help me God I'll boot him!
+When will you Australians learn? In America, we've stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free. Because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free. Now boy, run back to the embassy! Back to American soil!
+I'll stop them!
+Oh, no! It's coming back this way!
+That throwing stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us.
+Hey! We can get away in their pouches!
+Ewww. It's not like in cartoons.
+Yeah, there's a lot more mucus!
+Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well I want a didgeridoo.
+That seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir. Why don't you get this nice cap?
+It's clever, just like you. Huh? Huh?
+Get out. Get out. Shoo! Shoo! Get outta here!
+These bloody things're everywhere! They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bonwizzit, and all over the malongagoolachuck...
+They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is.
+We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs.
+What? At's an odd name. I'da called them "chuzz-wuzzers."
+Liiiiisa!
+Maaarge!
+Ugh, the Simpsons. Well, they're not getting back in here.
+I can't believe our government would set up Bart like that. I must say, I'm very angry at the State Department right now.
+When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
+Yes, but ssh! Mrs. Simpson, please. We're about to reach a breakthrough with the Aussies.
+Then it's agreed. During the bargaining session, we each get two candied apples. All right... one candy and one caramel.
+Oh, for the love of criminy! Gimme that! I know Bart did something wrong, but he's my son and I'm going to punish him myself.
+Our countries may have their differences, but as human beings I think we can all agree there's no substitute for the discipline of a loving parent.
+He wants to talk to you.
+Y'ello? Mmm hmm. So we're in agreement. She won't be allowed near the phone again.
+We did it! We've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face.
+We've argued them down to... a booting.
+The Prime Minister just wants to kick you once. Through the gate. With a regular shoe.
+I believe it's a wing-tip.
+No deal! This is my son we're talking about. Sure he's not perfect, but who is in this work-a-day world?
+No, Mom... Wait. It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.
+Thank you, Bart. I promise I won't make fun of you later for this.
+Show 'em what American butts are made of, son!
+That's it, lad. This is for the Commonwealth of Australia.
+And this is for the United States of America.
+I'm glad you're okay honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.
+I'm impressed that you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
+All right, mates! Let 'em have it!
+Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier?
+So, uh, what's your hurry to get to school?
+No, sir. The closest vessel is the U.S.S. Walter Mondale. It's a laundry ship. They'll take you the rest of the way.
+Hey, look. Those frogs are eating all their crops.
+Well, that's what happens when you introduce foreign species into an ecosystem that can't handle them.
+Ah, this place is gonna smell classy all week.
+To Homer-- the Wall Street genius!
+Hey Homer, how come you got money to burn, or singe anyway?
+Yeah, Homer. What's your secret investment?
+Take a guess.
+Uh, pumpkins?
+Yeah, that's right Barney. This year I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October, and I got a feeling they're gonna peak right around January. And bang, that's when I'll cash in.
+To Homer! And to Sergeant Pepper who is growing out of the middle of your back.
+Ah Barn, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke these.
+Homer, you knucklebeak, I told you a hundred times, you gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween. Before!
+All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
+How am I going to tell Marge we're broke? I need a miracle.
+My house is on fire! Woo hoo! Insurance to the rescue.
+Hello, Homer.
+Marge, we had a deal. Your sisters don't come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.
+This is a special occasion. Patty and Selma just got promoted at the DMV.
+Yeah, Homer, let your wife have a glimpse of success, for once.
+All right, that's the last straw. It's time to take out the trash. But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
+I'm sorry. Homer doesn't mean to be rude, he's just a very complicated man.
+Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.
+I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for the family.
+Sweet, trusting Marge. I can't let you down. I'll get some money somehow.
+Hello Vegas? Give me 100 bucks on red. All right, I'll send you a check.
+If only I could think of an invention. Something that would really make money. Must concentrate and work harder than I've ever worked...
+Congratulations, Mr. Simpson. This invention of yours has made us all rich. Especially you. It's simple, yet ingenious and it fits right in the palm of your hand!
+Every person in America now owns one of these, and in many cases three or four.
+Uh, could I just get a look at that?
+Why would you need to see it? You're the genius who invented... the product in question.
+But uh, could I just...
+Now don't worry. You'll get to see it just as soon as we unveil our new ad campaign.
+Let me see! Let me see! Out of the way!
+Homer, wake up. There's still a few minutes 'til our usual bedtime.
+No, my invention! All my money problems could've...
+Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?
+Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not.
+And Lisa, my little princess.
+And who could forget dear Rat boy?
+Rat boy? I resent that.
+Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.
+What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding...
+It is a gorgeously fabulous day. Marvelous even.
+Nothin'. What's your hurry?
+That's enough, Bart. Fun is fun but if we're late we're gonna get in trouble.
+You're right, Milhouse. Fun is fun.
+Attention students. It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term. So let's all prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner. Even though it's first-come first-serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast.
+Arrg, too many wee ones.
+This gets uglier every year. Any sign of Bart and Milhouse?
+No. And if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them...
+I don't feel right.
+Did you hear that, Bart? That was the tardy bell. "Truant! Truant! Truant!" they'll all say!
+Aw, who needs him. I can have fun all by myself.
+S'allright?
+S'allright.
+S'allright?
+S'allright.
+S'allright?
+S'allright.
+Sure, Homer, I can loan you all the money you need. However since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.
+Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in?
+Hey, hey! Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? Now let's do this thing.
+Oh no. It's P.E. sign up day!
+How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.
+Better sign up for somethin' fast, man. Baseball just filled up--
+So did Tae Kwon Do.
+Rye am Romer Rimpson...
+There is only one class left, but it happens to be the "coolest" one of all.
+Ballet? Dancin' is for girls!
+Well you should have gotten here earlier.
+Uh, I need an another extension on my mortgage payments.
+I understand that, Mr. Simpson. But according to our computer, your credit history is not good. It says here that you've been pre-declined for every major credit card. It also says that you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner.
+That was in the third grade.
+Yeah, well it all goes on your permanent record. I'm sorry, but if you don't come up with that money by tomorrow-- the bank is going to take your house.
+Well, good luck finding it because I'm gonna take the numbers off tonight.
+Well we'll look for the house with no numbers.
+Then I'll take off the numbers on my neighbor's house.
+Well then we'll look for the house next to the house with no numbers.
+All right, you'll get your money.
+You're my last-last chance, bottom of the barrel, Hail Mary, long shot, wish you would do it but probably won't, final resort, to lend me money.
+We'll take care of you.
+Yes. Care.
+Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here.
+What a wonderful dinner. What a beautiful family. Someone get a picture of me with my arm around this steak.
+You're certainly in a good mood tonight, Dad.
+Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today. And to celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair.
+Mmmm, slanty.
+Patty, Selma. What are you doing here?
+Oh, we thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.
+Now bring us some extra chairs, like a good blubber-in-law!
+Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple five-hundred-pound bags should do it.
+Homer, be careful with my sisters' heads. Their necks are brittle.
+That's okay, Marge, nothing's broke.
+Except Homer.
+What's that supposed to mean?
+It means...
+It means these two fabulous babes are staying for dinner.
+Now there's a stink I coulda done without.
+This has been such a nice, peaceful dinner, it calls for a celebration. I'm going to make the most international coffee in the house, Montreal Morn.
+All right, you had your fun. Now get lost.
+Oh, our fun hasn't begun yet.
+We know something you don't want Marge to know. Now we own you like Siegfried owns Roy.
+I'm sorry. All we have is Nescafe. I'm very, very sorry.
+Oh Marge, Marge. You're just in time. Homer's getting ready to give us a foot rub.
+You are?
+No! I'm giving them a foot massage. At least let me have that.
+You can start with the corns.
+Then you can move on to bunion country.
+Okay, steady Bart. Taking ballet doesn't make you any less of a man.
+All right, girls. Today we learn the dance of the fairy queens. You can either be a fairy or a queen, it's wide open.
+Ah, and what have we here? A young man, maybe, who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov?
+I don't want to be the next anything. I'm only taking this stupid class because they made me.
+Well good. Jump, Homer, jump.
+Check mate.
+So, he has fire in the belly. But it will take more than belly-fire to be the next Baryshnikov!
+Look, Boris. I think ballet's for sissies.
+Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined. But for the sissies? Never. Now put on this fuchsiatard. You are a fairy.
+Quittin' time!
+Let's go, Homer. On the way home, we're all stopping at Moe's for a Zima.
+Well, maybe I'll just stay and work overtime. My sisters-in-law are at my house again.
+Homer, quit wallowing in self-pity. Pull yourself together and come get drunk with us.
+Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson?
+I don't like wearing tights, ma'am.
+But so many of your heroes wear tights. Batman, for example. And Magellan.
+Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never will. I'm outta here and I'm out of this stupid outfit.
+Wait! Joy of movement increasing... Love of dance, impossible to resist... Toes twinkling... Look at me, girls. I'm doing ballet...and I love it!
+Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?
+Request permission to slink by.
+Permission pending. First, light our cigarettes.
+But you're already smoking cig...
+You're really pushing it.
+C'mon, Homer. You can't spell obsequious without "IOU."
+I'll have to trust you on that.
+Well, Marge was always a good speller. Let's ask her.
+No! Don't tell Marge! I'll be good. I'll be good!
+Ah-ah-ah-ah! Just for that you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are.
+But... Yes, ma'am.
+Now say "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog." In a dog voice.
+What's going on in here?
+Rabsolutely rothing, Rarge.
+What's that paper?
+What paper?
+Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?
+I don't know Marge, I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings.
+He blew all your savings on jack-o-lanterns.
+You told!
+Sorry Marge.
+I never want to see you again! You either!
+Homer, Homer why didn't you tell me?
+I was ashamed, Marge. I failed you as a husband and a provider, and at best, I was a B-plus dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight.
+How's Dad, today?
+Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's underneath the table.
+Nobody make me any breakfast. A man so deeply in debt doesn't deserve it.
+But I like to make you breakfast.
+In that case, I'll just have french toast with double butter and a side of bacon. But no powdered sugar, I don't deserve it. Maybe a little powdered sugar.
+See that? I started to do like a little arabesque, but then I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechant. Not that I'm into that kind of thing.
+Bravissimo, Bart. Next week, class gives its first recital. And you... you will dance the male lead.
+Dance in front of my whole school? What is it with you and ballet?
+I know you have great conflict, Bart. You love ballet, yet you fear the boys will laugh at you. No?
+No, I fear the girls will laugh at me. I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.
+Hey Dad, whatcha doing?
+What was that -- national anthem?
+Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the Want Ads to find a part-time job.
+Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.
+Oh, no wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.
+I'll never pay off that debt.
+Need money fast? Got no experience? Step up to elegance. Become a limo driver at Classy Joe's.
+That's it! I'll make money with a chauffeur job. Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa.
+I didn't turn it on. I thought you turned it on.
+No. Well anyway, turn it off.
+It is off.
+You're gonna have to work hard to win this crowd over. Most of them are here as part of detention.
+Pretty big crowd.
+Mm hm. We even bussed in troublemakers from other schools.
+That spikey-haired masked dancer is really something. I wonder who he is.
+He's graceful yet masculine. So it's okay for me to enjoy this.
+This reminds me of the movie "Fame" and to a lesser extent the TV series, which was also called "Fame."
+Oh wow! I can't believe my very first passenger is comedy legend, Mel Brooks! I love that movie, "Young Frankenstein". ...Scared the Hell out of me.
+Uhm, thanks.
+Hey, let's do that two thousand pound man thing. I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, you be what's his face.
+Homer, it's not that easy. It takes the genius of Carl Reiner and the rhythm and timing that only he and I...
+Sir, today every country has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems two thousand years ago?
+Sure, sure we had. Of course, we was caves, but every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem.
+LET 'EM ALL GO TO HELL, EXCEPT CAVE SEVENTY-SIX...
+What's with the si... what's with the siren?
+Evening Simpson... You got a short in your taillight. It started blinkin' when you made that turn. Let's see your chauffeur's license.
+Chauffeur's license, eh? Mel, buckle your borscht belt!
+Ah, since you're trying to make a getaway in park, I'm guessing you don't have a license. Better head down to the DMV. These two broads'll help you out.
+Well. Officer, uh, this man is making me a little edgy. Could you please give me a ride to the airport?
+Well, hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks! Sure I'll give you a ride.
+Thank you.
+Uh, on the way, we can do that two thousand dollar man thing.
+You be Carl Reiner and I'll be uh, Police Chief Wiggum.
+Listen. Why don't you play Carl Reiner and let me play Police Chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner!
+I haven't been moved like this since "The Joy Luck Club."
+Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart.
+It is I who have won your acclaim!
+Bart does ballet!
+He dances like girls!
+Haw-haw!
+Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well then, I guess I'm a sissy.
+He's a sissy! Let's rush him!
+Bart use the ballet! Leap! Leap like you've never leapt before.
+Looks like he took a pretty bad spill.
+Well, as long as he's hurt.
+I'm telling you people the earth revolves around the sun.
+Bart, I am so proud of you. You showed a sensitive side of yourself that can never be erased. From this day forward we are kindred spirits.
+Why did she just leave me here when I clearly need medical attention?
+Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work. Sometimes I think God is teasing me, just like he teased Moses in the desert.
+"Tested," Homer, God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
+Oh, okay Marge, I'll get along with them. Then I will hug some snakes! Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now that's sarcasm.
+Well, well, well. Look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license.
+Look, all I ask is that you be fair.
+Did not adjust side mirror, minus one point.
+Failed to check blind spot, minus two points.
+You won't be happy 'til my family thinks I'm a loser, will you?
+You are a loser, Homer. And we're winners. You gotta learn that.
+Ooh, seat belt twisted, minus one point.
+Nagging the driver, minus ten points for you.
+Grazed a cone, minus five points.
+Being a jerk, minus a million points.
+One more wrong answer and Homer flunks another of life's little tests. And what's this?
+Ohhh, someone didn't fill in a circle all the way.
+Ohhh, oh boy. Oh that felt good.
+Let me try. Let me try. Oh yeah, oh boy. Oh that was so sweet.
+So Homer, how'd you do?
+Well, I...
+That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield as the least popular city in America.
+Burn him!
+Ladies. Please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building. Because that is precisely the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion.
+Well uh, we....
+uh... she uh...
+I'll never forgive myself for this.
+Wait a minute, those are yours, sir?
+Yes. I am in flavor country.
+Both of them?
+It's a big country.
+Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than Hitler.
+Homer, I'm -- I'm speechless. You just saved our hides.
+Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides.
+That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
+I didn't do it for them. I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you.
+No, Homie. You see. You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see.
+Homer, we're... sorry.
+If there's anything we can do to make it up...
+Call off the debt?
+Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test.
+Call off the debt?
+Uh... well...
+Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. Woo hoo!
+Hello. I'm Kent Brockman and this is Eye on Springfield.
+Tonight we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benedictine Monks. The rappin' Rabbis.
+DON'T EAT PORK. NOT EVEN WITH A FORK.
+CAN'T TOUCH THIS!
+Marge, are we Jewish?
+No, Homer.
+Woo hoo!
+But first: we all stink.
+In culture: dead last.
+Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression...
+So I propose... Oh, that's right, I'm crippled.
+This is horrible. People will start to avoid Springfield.
+But what can I do? I'm just... one man.
+I think we should call a town meeting. If we don't do something soon, we won't get any tourists at all.
+No tourists? I'll be ruined.
+Maps to movie stars homes! Mapa por las casas de las cineastas! Top-u stah noh cheezu map-u!
+Excuse me. Are you Drew Barrymore?
+Eh, get outta here. I'm hung over!
+Sorry, Miss Barrymore.
+Are there any suggestions for how to attract more tourism?
+The easiest way to be popular, is to leech off the popularity of others.
+So we propose changing our name from Springfield to Seinfeld.
+I may be just a boy, but I have an idea. If I may, I'd like to show you a few slides.
+Here's Springfield as it appears from space. Somewhere in this windy valley is the Lost Dutchman's Mine.
+Young man, that appears to be a picture of your rear end.
+So long, suckers!
+This is the last time I use a plan devised by Milhouse.
+Sorry, Bart.
+I'm Marge Simpson, and I have an idea.
+Marge is gonna say something.
+Now I know you haven't liked some of my past suggestions. Like switching to the metric system...
+The metric system is the tool of the devil. My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it.
+The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record.
+Who said that?
+But my new idea is different. I think we should hold a film festival and give out prizes.
+Could we make our own movies and enter them?
+At last -- an excuse to wear make-up!
+All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea?
+Film festival! Film festival!
+You like my idea? Actually, I have several others...
+Don't push your luck! Don't push your luck!
+And... action!
+Hello, I'm Bart Simpson. In the past, I've brought you such classic films as "Homer in the Shower," and "Homer on the Toilet." And now, I give you... "The Eternal Struggle."
+Relaxed fit, my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh, the belt is buckled.
+Now, Maude, in our movie, you lay baby Moses in the basket, then put it among the reeds. Okay? Lights, camera, act - diddily-doddily-doodilly- Action Jackson!
+Help meeeeee... eeeeeee... eeeee.
+Flanders to God, Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Todd.
+Thanks, God.
+Okily dokily.
+Whatcha doin' Ma?
+I'm looking for a film critic to help judge our festival. Did you know there are over six hundred critics on TV and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all?
+Welcome to "Coming Attractions;" I'm your host Jay Sherman. Thank you! Tonight we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."
+I wish I was dead. Oy.
+But first we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.
+Jay, my new film is a mix of action and comedy. It's called "McBain -- Let's Get Silly."
+You suck, McBain!
+Hey, that really sucks.
+The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost Eighty million dollars.
+How do you sleep at night?
+On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.
+Just asking. Yeesh.
+I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
+My ears are burning.
+Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
+No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.
+"Dear Mr. Sherman. On behalf of the people of Springfield, I would like to invite you to judge our film festival."
+"You can stay with us, and enjoy the sights and sounds of the country."
+Marge, is this a pimple or a boil?
+Just a minute, Homer! Oh, look what you made me write! Anyway, we think you'll really enjoy our quiet little town. Sincerely, Marge Simpson."
+Hmm. Do I really want to leave Manhattan?
+Sherman, I just realized you've insulted me. Now you will die.
+Hey nudnick, your shoe's untied.
+From here they appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look.
+To the airport!
+On closer inspection, these are loafers.
+Attention, the flight from New York has arrived.
+Hey, I'm landing here!
+It's supposed to say Jay's name, not yours.
+Oh, you're right.
+There ya... Just second...
+Oh, that should...
+Hello, I'm Marge Simpson and this is my husband, Homer.
+Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.
+It was a gummy bear.
+Coming up next: "The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons."
+Uh oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.
+Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the Critic.
+Hey man, I really love your show. I think all kids should watch it. I suddenly feel so dirty.
+I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped thirty-seven percent.
+I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
+I ought to club them and eat their bones!
+Heh-heh. Well maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you -- virtuous, heroic, nubile...
+You left out pleasant!
+But I like that film biography idea. A slick Hollywood picture to gloss over my evil rise to power, like "Bugsy," or "Working Girl." Get me Steven Spielberg!
+He's unavailable.
+Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.
+Listen, Señor Spielbergo. I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
+Schindler es bueno. Senior Burns es el diablo!
+Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners; we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked damn it! Now go out there and win me that festival.
+Homer, the guest should get the last pork chop.
+But, I'm still hungry.
+Mr. Sherman, I understand you have two Pulitzer prizes.
+Well, I, heh heh, it's not like I carry them around with me. Ooh, it's so hot in here.
+Oh, look, here's my Peoples' Choice Award...
+Five Golden Globes...
+Hmmm... Where's my Emmy?
+Thank you!
+Yeah, well I won the belching contest at work.
+Very nice Homer.
+Wow. How many Pulitzer Prizes winners can do that?
+Just me and Eudora Welty.
+Oh, I invited my sisters over.
+Oooh, sisters. Allow me.
+So then, I said to Woody Allen: "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre."
+So original.
+How droll.
+Yeah, well Scooby Doo can doo-doo... but Jimmy Carter is smarter!
+Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert...
+So, tell us. Who's gay?
+Oh, I don't know... Harvey Fierstein.
+Who else?
+Uh, uh...
+Oh, McGyver's gay!
+You bad-mouthed McGyver, didn't you?
+Muh... muh... muh...
+Whatcha doing, Marge?
+Making out the jury list for the film festival. Mayor Quimby -- Krusty -- Jay --
+Marge, do you respect my intelligence?
+Okay! Wait a minute. Why did it take you so long to say yes?
+No reason.
+Okay! Wait a minute. Are you humoring me?
+Okay! Wait a minute. That's bad! Look, I know I'm not witty like that critic guy. But does he know all the words to the Oscar Mayer song?
+OH, I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MAYER WEINER...
+THAT IS WHAT I'D TRULY LIKE TO BE/ 'CAUSE IF I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER...
+EVERYONE WOULD BE IN LOVE WITH MEEE!
+That's it, Marge, he knows the whole hot dog song. Go ahead, sleep with him. I'll just take a lock of your hair to remember you by.
+It's just you and me now, lock of hair...
+You don't have to do this.
+Yeah, well you think I'm stupid.
+I don't think you're stupid.
+Prove it.
+Put me on that film jury festival thing.
+Fine. You're on the jury.
+Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
+Excellent.
+Excellent.
+Ex... cell... ent.
+Exactly. Heh, heh.
+Excellente.
+Es muy bueno.
+Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
+Oh, I thought they were playing "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" tonight.
+Our first film is by Indian director Apu Nahassapemapetilan: "Bright Lights, Beef Jerky."
+Help, help, police!
+Hey, I've got problems of my own right now.
+Oh boy, this is gonna get worse before it gets better.
+Pull my finger.
+Next, we have Moe the bartender in "MO' BETTER BOOZE."
+MONEY GETS YOU ONE MORE ROUND/ DRINK IT DOWN/ YA STUPID CLOWN/ MONEY GETS YOU ONE MORE ROUND/ THEN YOU'RE OUT ON YOUR ASS... WHOA!
+Augggh my back!
+Hans Moleman Productions presents "Man Getting Hit By Football."
+This contest is over. Give that man the ten thousand dollars!
+This isn't "America's Funniest Home Videos."
+But ... The ball... His groin!... It works on so many levels! Roll it again.
+Next, they're gonna show my movie.
+You made a movie?
+I made a movie? No wonder I was on the cover of "Entertainment Weekly."
+My name is Barney Gumbel. I'm forty, I'm single, and I drink.
+There's a line in "Othello" about a drinker -- "now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast." That pretty well covers it.
+It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender -- he has the soul of a poet.
+You're very kind.
+Excuse me did something crawl down your throat and die?
+It didn't die.
+My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic.
+Mr. Gumbel, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
+Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?
+Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.
+I think we have a winner.
+What'd I miss?
+Homer, please pay attention. There's just one more movie.
+Simple villagers, I promise you I will close plants in America and bring work here.
+Viva Señor Burns!
+Viva! Viva!
+Whoa-oa-oa!
+We did twenty takes and that was the best one.
+Remember, Elliot, I'll be right here.
+Pure egotism. / Self indulgent tripe.
+I don't care what they say. I'm going to win this festival.
+Drink up, Judah Ben Hur.
+You truly are the King of Kings.
+Excellent.
+Smithers, are they booing me?
+No, they're saying "Boourns," "Boourns."
+Are you saying "boo" or "Boourns?"
+I was saying "Boourns."
+All right. It's time to vote for the grand prize.
+I vote for Barney Gumbel's sensitive, yet unfortunately titled film, Puke-ahontas.
+Second.
+Well, I vote for Burns' movie.
+Me too. Now, let's get going. I got a date with Eudora Welty.
+Coming, Eudora.
+Excellent. Bribing those two judges has paid off. Just as it did during the Miss Teen America pageant.
+How can you vote for Burns' movie?
+Let's just say, it moved me. To a bigger house. Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, oh dear.
+Two to two. Well, Homer, it all comes down to you.
+Football in the groin. Football in the groin.
+Well, we're not gonna resolve this deadlock any time soon.
+Why don't we all take a five minute break? It'll clear our heads.
+Good idea, Marge. My mind is going a mile a minute.
+I knew this would happen. I put you on the jury and you vote for the stupidest film.
+I've been waiting for you... Lisa.
+How did you know my name?
+I have every right to be on that jury even though I got there because I'm sleeping with the head of the festival.
+How many times have I heard Rex Reed say that?
+Oh great, now you're going to make fun of me.
+No, Homer, I won't make fun of you. But I will suggest that there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in the groin with a football.
+Haw haw.
+Well, Homer.
+Marge, I've got some serious thinking to do.
+Hm. Barney's movie has heart. But football in the groin had a football in the groin.
+Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.
+Wow. I'll never drink another beer.
+Beer here!
+I'll take ten.
+And now to announcer the winner. The award for outstanding animated short goes to Itchy and Scratchy for their film, "Four Funerals and a Wedding."
+And now, the winner of the grand prize:
+Barney Gumbel!
+Homie, you voted for the right movie. I'm glad you were on the jury.
+Aw, you know something Marge, it's not that tough being a film cricket.
+I've learned I have a gift to share with the world. From now on there'll be a new Barnard Gumbel -- hardworking, clean and sober.
+Congratulations, Barney. And enjoy your grand prize: a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.
+Just hook it to my veins!
+Goodbye, Mr. Sherman. If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call.
+And if you ever want to visit my show...
+Nah, we're not gonna be doing that.
+Well, Jay, I hope you tell your New York friends that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think.
+Your name tag.
+Marge, look. This has spring snakes inside, but the suckers will think it's Beer Nuts. Mmm... Beer Nuts.
+Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.
+And the Oscar goes to...
+I've got to win this one. I've bribed everyone in Hollywood.
+George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football."
+My groin.
+'Zounds, I did thee mightily smite-ly.
+"'Zounds" is a renaissance English word, short for "God's Wounds." But uh, "smite-ly," that's pure Flanders!
+Please call a doctor.
+Oh, these Renaissance Faires are so boring.
+Oh really? Did you see the loom? I took Loom in High School.
+Yon meat 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze.
+Can I have some?
+Mine ears are open only to the pleas of those who speak ye old English.
+Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I mightst sup on suckling pig this noon.
+Whatever.
+I've eaten eight different meats. I'm a true Renaissance man.
+I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump.
+Alight your gaze on yonder fabled beasts of yore.
+Behold, the rarest of the rare, the mythological two-headed hound - born with only one head. Ooh - and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax - a horse with the head of a rabbit, and the body of a rabbit!
+Oh, it's "galloping" away!
+Here bunny bunny! Here bunny!
+Here, esquilax.
+Would you like to know your future?
+Sorry, I don't believe in fortune telling. I should go.
+What's your hurry? Bart, Maggie, and Marge are at the joust, and Homer is heckling the puppet show.
+Wow, you can see into the... present.
+Now we'll see what the future holds...
+The Death Card.
+No, that's good. It means transition, change.
+Oh, that's cute.
+The Happy Squirrel.
+That's bad?
+Possibly. The cards are vague and mysterious... They seem to be revealing the story of your first love. Do you want me to continue?
+Guess so.
+It's - it's coming to me. Yes, I see an Eastern university in the year two thousand ten. The world has become a very different place...
+I can't wait to see that play.
+Hey, watch it! / Watch it!
+That man is instantly the most annoying person I've ever met. A soy-based snack will calm me down.
+Aaagh. Him again.
+Hello. I need Ecosystem of the Marsh, by Thompson.
+The last copy was just signed out by ...Oh, Hugh Parkfield. Oh, there he is.
+No. It couldn't be...
+Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe.
+That's the book I need. You'll probably take forever with it too.
+I can read faster than you.
+I read at a 78th grade level.
+Right here.
+Finished this page?
+Ages ago.
+I'll get the dictionary.
+You'll see when you get there. The word "stochastic."
+Pertaining to a process involving a randomly determined sequence of observations.
+First they hate each other. Now, all of a sudden, they love each other. Oh it doesn't make any sense to me.
+Of course not, you're a robot.
+Hmm... I've never met anyone who so understood the magic of Jim Carrey.
+He can make you laugh with no more than a frantic flailing of his limbs.
+I can't believe how much we have in common. We're both studying the environment, we're both utterly humorless about our vegetarianism, and we both love the Rolling Stones.
+Yes, not for their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.
+Lisa, I can't bear the thought of being apart from you all summer. Come back with me to Parkfield Manor.
+I'd love to. Can we get vegetarian meals at your parents' house?
+Yes we can, Lisa.
+That is good because eating animals is wrong.
+So very wrong.
+When will the world learn?
+I don't know. I just don't know.
+I love these new planes.
+Yes, it's a good thing they reevaluated those wacky old designs.
+Beautiful dinnerware, Mrs. Parkfield.
+Thank you, Lisa. They were made for the finest family in Britain.
+I don't know how we ended up with them.
+Oh, it's good to hear a boisterous American laugh.
+And I love that painting. Judging by the clothes, I'd say seventeenth century.
+Actually, Lisa, it's just uncle Eldred.
+I get me brain medicines from the National 'Ealth.
+This place is so enchanting, Hugh. I love it here.
+I wanted this to be perfect for you. I know you Americans like everything to be fireworks.
+Oh blast!
+Go to "Plan B."
+Yes, I will.
+Isn't it wonderful? Master Hugh has found a true love.
+Hi Mom.
+Lisa!! Hello! How're you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift," a mile is called a "kilometer," and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie."
+Guess what -- Hugh and I are getting married.
+ALL RIGHT!!! Lisa, that's wonderful. If only your father was still with us... but he left for work a few minutes ago.
+Mom, remember when I was little, we'd always plan my dream wedding and you always promised to, you know, well, keep Dad from ruining it?
+Oh, don't worry, honey. I guarantee your father will behave.
+Mom, it's a picture phone.
+This? This? No, I - I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz.
+Mom, picture phone.
+Hi, Mom. Aw, that's great news about Lisa. Well listen, I'd better get to get back to work.
+Heh, heh. They're finally paying me for this.
+Oh yeah!
+...except for the international market it's my...
+Woo hoo! Oh, Marge, that's great news!
+Hey, hey there with the personal calls Simpson.
+Oh, ah, but Mr. Milhouse, my little girl's getting married!
+Lisa? My one true love.
+It's not you, Milhouse. I just don't plan to ever get married.
+I think I'll write your performance evaluation now, Simpson.
+Oh, I gotta call everyone and tell 'em the good news.
+Maggie! I need to use the phone!
+Will that girl ever shut up? Okay, Marge. I'll plan everything. We can have the reception at Moe's. Wait, why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning -- there'll be fewer drunks.
+Homer, don't take this personally, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
+Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.
+Mr. Smithers plus guest. There's only one person I would want to bring.
+Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for seventeen stab wounds in the back.
+How're we doing, boys?
+Well, we're up to fifteen!
+Now turn to the next problem. If you have three "Pepsis" and drink one, how much more refreshed are you? You, the redhead in the Chicago school system.
+Partial credit.
+We've been invited to the wedding of our only graduate to read at an adult level.
+Hmm, it must be Lisa Simpson, because of course Martin Prince perished in that science fair explosion.
+Not quite perished, my lady love. Although some days, I wish I had.
+Hey, I remember you. Mayor Quimby, right?
+I ah, er ah, uh no. Look at license. Mohamed Jafar.
+Quimby, after this fare, get yer indicted ass out to the convention center.
+I cut the ribbon at that convention center.
+Just a couple more blocks to my house.
+Oh Lisa, please. The only thing bruised in that fall was my spine. I'll be delighted.
+Lisa, darling, don't worry. I'm sure I'll get along with your family. You've so thoroughly prepared me for the worst, as long as they're not squatting in a ditch poking berries up their noses...
+And if they are?
+Here they come! Raise the flag!
+Oh Lisa!
+Yo, Hugh. Here's a little bit of U.S. hospitality. What do you think of that?
+Now throw compost on it!
+Whew! Uh, enjoy.
+Oh, still warm.
+You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I built. Remember, if the building inspector comes by, it's not a room, it's a window box.
+Oh Hugh, thank you. You've been just wonderful through this entire ordeal.
+Lisa, I love you so much I'm willing to go through anything.
+Are you okay?
+I'm fine, Lisa. Fortunately, the compost heap broke my fall. Be a dear, run a bath.
+Homer! Bart! Maggie! Company eating rules.
+Oh, right.
+Anyway, Hugh, there's more to my life than just a wrecking ball. I also crush cars into cubes. And on the side, I promote local tough man contests. Basically I'm gettin' out all my aggression 'til I go to law school.
+So, Hugh. Have you heard all the latest American jokes? Uh, here's a good one. Pull my finger.
+Yes, we have that one in England too, Mr. Simpson.
+I said, pull my finger.
+Uh, Mom, we've got my wedding dress fitting this afternoon. Maggie, if you're not doing anything, why don't you come with us?
+Maggie! Don't talk with your mouth full.
+Me and Bart'll take Hugh out on the town this afternoon.
+Hugh should take it easy because of his fall.
+Great. There's only one thing I ask in return.
+So this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh Hugh?
+And tonight the following celebrities have been arrested:
+...while Heather Locklear Fortensky remains at large. Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous.
+You know, I rather like this pub.
+Oh, an English boy, eh? You know we saved your ass in World War Two.
+Yeah, well, we saved your ass in World War Three.
+That's true.
+Hugh, there's something I want you to have. My Dad gave me his cuff links to wear on the day I married Marge, and they brought us good luck. I couldn't imagine a happier marriage. We don't have many traditions in our family, but it'd mean a lot to me if you kept this one alive.
+Well I'd be honored...
+...to wear... those... things.
+Ow! Hey watch those virtual darts. I'm trying to play virtual pool!
+Hey, hey, no fightin' in my bar.
+You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice.
+Marge, it's so great to have the whole family together under one roof. I never realized how much I missed it. Listen to the murmurs in the next room. The house is full of life again.
+Keep it down in there!
+All right, Dad! I'm sorry I left you alone with Homer and Bart.
+No, no, honey. We had a fine time.
+How did you get that gash on your forehead?
+Oh, that was when we hid in the dumpster after the fire alarm went off in the pornographic magazine warehouse.
+Oh, you are so good to put up with all of this.
+Don't be silly, Lisa. Everything's fine. Really. Now, go to sleep. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. A big, long day.
+Lisa, I can't believe it's your wedding day already.
+Mom, I feel kinda funny wearing white - I mean, Milhouse.
+Oh, Milhouse doesn't count.
+Okay, I've got something old - that's my pearl necklace. Something new is the wedding dress. Something borrowed is this antique brooch from Hugh's mother. Now I just need something blue.
+Oh Mom. Thanks.
+Wow, Lisa. Looking at you makes me want to get married for a third time. I met a really nice exotic dancer the other night at Hugh's bachelor party.
+Hugh didn't have a bachelor party.
+We had one in his honor. I had one in his honor. I went to a strip club.
+Well, here goes nothing. Mom, Dad, meet Homer Simpson.
+Hey, how are you. Nice to meet ya.
+You know what's great about you English? "Octopussy." Man, I must have seen that movie... twice.
+Yes, yes. That's not too bad!
+Hey, Krabappel, you get in the way of that bouquet, I'll stuff that sun hat down your neck!
+Smithers, take me home. I'm not fully defrosted.
+Nonsense. Just sit down and rest for a moment.
+There you go.
+Oh no. We've got a little situation here.
+I can't feel anything below my cummerbund.
+Ooh la la.
+Hi, Dad.
+You look great, sweetheart.
+Thanks.
+Little Lisa. Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
+Oh Dad...
+And now, to sing "Amazing Grace," Miss Maggie Simpson.
+She's quite a hellion, but she does have an incredible voice.
+No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment and you did it all yourself. You helped me understand my own wife better and taught me to be a better person. But you're also my daughter, and I don't think anybody could have had a better daughter than you--
+Dad, you're babbling.
+See? You're still helping me.
+Hey, Dad. Did you forget to give those cufflinks to Hugh?
+Aw, no...
+I found them on the night stand this morning. I guess they weren't his cup of tea. Don't worry about it.
+But you've been going on about these all week. I'm sure he just forgot.
+Lisa! We're not supposed to see each other before the wedding. It's tradition.
+What about my family's tradition?
+Surely you don't want me to wear those. In front of my parents and their friends?
+But you promised my Dad you would.
+I was just humoring him, darling. Actually, he frightens me a bit.
+I know they look a little silly, but his feelings will be hurt if you don't wear them.
+Fine. I must say, you were right. This has been quite trying. You know I've attempted to enjoy your family on a personal level, on an ironic level, as a novelty, as camp, as kitsch, as a cautionary example, nothing works. Frankly, I'll be quite relieved when we get back to England and we won't have to deal with them.
+Are you saying we won't see my family again?
+Well, possibly your mother will come when the children are born.
+I can't believe I'm hearing this. I don't want to cut my family out of my life.
+Really? But Lisa, you're better than this place. You're like a flower that grew out of a pot of dirt.
+That's a horrible thing to say.
+Oh come on, you complain about them more than anyone.
+Maybe. But I still love them. And I don't think you understand that.
+Stop everything. The wedding has been called off.
+Haw haw.
+Haw haw.
+Aw, this is very sad news... and it never would have happened if the wedding had been inside the church with God, instead of out here in the cheap showiness of nature.
+Who wants cake?
+...the next day, Hugh goes back to England and you never see him again.
+Wow. Now that I know all this, isn't there any way to change the future?
+No. But try to look surprised.
+I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love?
+Oh, you'll have a true love. But I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.
+Lisa, Lisa! Where were you!? You missed the most incredible thing!
+Hi, Dad.
+I ate seven pounds of fudge!
+The man at the stand said it was a record!
+Wow. What else did you do, Dad?
+I rode the teacups! Then I got a little sick and I had to sit down. But then I rode 'em again!
+Welcome to the six o'clock news in our brand new studio! Lookin' good, Springfield!!
+In today's news, a two ton rhino escaped from the Springfield Zoo. But zoo officials were quick to act and Petunia, as she is known, is safely back in captivity.
+In other news, a three ton rhino that escaped from the zoo last week is still at large.
+All right, who broke my vase?!
+Who took all my test papers off the refrigerator and tore them up?!
+Who spread garbage all over Flanders' yard before I got a chance to?
+Oh, please! This is senseless destruction, with none of my usual social commentary.
+If it wasn't you, then who was it?
+Well, I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now did they?
+Did they?!
+Hmm, I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky too, because it's spankin' season and I've got a hankerin' for some spankerin'.
+I don't know why you're so energetic today, boy, but prepare to be worn out.
+What's wrong, boy? Getting tired?
+I think there's really something wrong with Santa's Little Helper. He was up barking all night and dug up the back yard worse than ever.
+My Bongo drums!
+My strobe light!
+My "Best of Ray Stevens featuring The Streak" album! So it was the dog that buried all our stuff!
+Yes, the dog...
+Oh my God! He's got the precious cable TV cable!
+Always use fresh macaroni. If the box rattles, throw it away...
+Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
+Well, I'll be damned.
+Excuse me, we're having a problem with our dog...
+Lady, I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone else. I'm sorry if your dog went blind, but your gripe is with Hartz Mountain, not with me.
+No, no, our dog is out of control. He's wild, destructive, and has little or no respect for authority.
+Hmm... let me try a canine/human mind meld. It's an incredibly rare psychic power possessed only by me and three other clerks at this store.
+Okay. I'm bored... I'm restless... Need change in life... Like imported leather leash... Uh, blue contact lenses. 200 volt shock training collar...
+Please?
+Well, problem solved.
+Homer, hold on to the wheel!
+You got it.
+Don't worry. We'll catch him, or run him over tryin'.
+Look, he's heading back to the greyhound racing track where we found him!
+Don't worry. As soon as they find out he doesn't have any money, they'll throw him out. Believe me, I know.
+Oh, this place is so big. Do you think we should split up and look for them, Homie? Homie?
+Two bucks to win on number eight... ...and have you seen my beloved dog? Gimme the ticket.
+We can't lose. Look at the name of the dog I bet on.
+"She's The Fastest..." Homer, I don't think that means necessarily...
+And they're off! She's The Fastest jumps out to an insurmountable lead!
+You're lucky you got looks, Marge.
+As they round the far turn, it's She's The Fastest, followed by Always Comes In Second and I'm Number Three...
+Yes! Come on, you little horse!
+And they're in the home stretch. It's -- wait! Another dog is on the track!
+It's Santa's Little Helper!
+The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside. Of course, he could never win this race - or could he?
+What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?
+Uh-oh...
+It looks like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy, you can do it!
+Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end. This is the end of dog racing.
+I think they're in love.
+Aw, so that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.
+Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom?
+But she's not our dog.
+She's yours now!
+Once they fall in love they lose their racin' spirit.
+But won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?
+Lady, you're allll-right!
+Okay, you can go out and play, but... no more you know what in front of the house, all right?
+Hey, what did I just say?!!
+Take it, it fell on the floor-a.
+Hey, boy, you wanna play fetch?
+Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in!
+Bart! Don't ever say that word again!
+Well that's what she is! I looked it up.
+Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. It feels like a mistake to me.
+Hey look! A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend.
+Oh, my God! She's having babies! Oh, I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat.
+Look, it's twins!
+Now it's two sets of twins.
+Two sets of twins and a triplet!
+Homer, Homer find a place for all these little miracles.
+Oh, my. I've never seen anything like this.
+How many more can there be?
+Twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four...
+Twenty-five.
+Wow! Twenty-five puppies!
+An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again!
+Hey, jerkface! You have the face of a jerk!
+All right, Simpson, you asked for...
+Get 'em, boys!
+Say, Jimbo ... hope I wasn't out of line with that "jerkface" crack.
+Oh, Homie, aren't they adorable?
+Yes, we've waited many years, but the good Lord has finally blessed us with a real family.
+Look at Branford II! Isn't that cute? He thinks he's one of the Models, Inc.
+Get that cat out of the way!
+Agh, my socks!
+Mom, why do I have to wear a flea collar?
+Well, it's just easier this way.
+Ooh... this time... Ah...
+Yeeesch! This house stinks! You're not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?
+Do you have a better idea?
+Now I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.
+Yeah, they ate all my socks! I have to wear Lisa's to school today!
+How do you explain the culottes, boy?
+Well, I have to coordinate, don't I?
+Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away.
+Nooooooo!
+Mainly your mother.
+Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?!
+Hello? Is anybody there?
+All right, we'll give the dogs one more chance. As long as the puppies don't do anything else wrong, they stay. On a completely unrelated topic, I'm having a very, very important dinner party tonight.
+Splendid. Who's coming?
+Rev. Lovejoy, your old Army drill sergeant, and the Regional Director of the IRS.
+Oh, just lovely, Marge. The whole town will hear what a perfect evening this was, how nothing at all went wrong.
+Don't worry folks, we'll find your wallet.
+Simpson, this evening has gone so flawlessly, I'm gonna forget that you were mistakenly let out of the Army a month early.
+And I'm so impressed by this problem-free evening that there's no need for that audit.
+A toast to the Simpsons...
+And to the delectable turkey...that's walking around the table??!!
+Dear Lord, it's a demon bird!
+Ewwwww!
+Simpson, see you at reveille O-five hundred tomorrow.
+See you at the IRS!
+See you in hell! From heaven.
+Oh, we sure could use a pooch to guard the flock at the Flanderosa.
+It'd be nice to have some companionship when mother goes out on dates.
+We could use a new pet over at the home seein' how we accidentally killed that smart-mouthed bird.
+They don't like being broken up.
+We've got to be realistic, kids. Who's gonna have a big enough heart to take care of twenty-five puppies?
+...and I know the little fellas would love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets...
+Who wouldn't?
+Mom, don't give the puppies to him! He'll be mean to them!
+She's right, Homer. There's something about his face I don't trust.
+Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but you can't have these dogs. Am I fired?
+Hmm? Oh, of course not. They're your pets, you can do as you wish. Good day, everyone.
+My, he certainly took that well.
+A little too well, if you ask me. I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme to get those puppies.
+There you go. There you go. You too...
+Honestly, sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.
+Going somewhere?
+Dogs! Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor!
+No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm, uh, dusting for prints.
+We don't have to wait for the cops - who can track the puppies better than their own mom and dad?
+Let's go find your babies!
+Dinner's on, dogs!
+I'm sorry, kids. I don't think we're ever gonna find your greyhounds. Maybe Mr. Burns will sell you one of the twenty-five he got last night.
+Who knows what horrible things he's doing to those innocent little puppies?
+There. Now, wasn't that heavenly? And don't you feel better, too?
+He's giving them a bath!
+There you are, there ya go li'l' fella, and you...
+Smithers, look! He's standing up! I've never seen anything so adorable. You know who it reminds me of...
+Lassie?
+No, no, no. A person, you know who I mean.
+Snoop Doggy Dog? Bob Barker? David Brenner?
+No, no. The person who's always standing and walking.
+Rory Calhoun?
+That's it! You stay with me. You're the pick of the litter.
+Maybe we were wrong about Burns on this one.
+Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
+: Yes... But not completely full, for you see... / "SOME MEN HUNT FOR SPORT, /OTHERS HUNT FOR FOOD / THE ONLY THING I'M HUNTING FOR / IS AN OUTFIT THAT LOOKS GOOD..."
+Stee-rike!
+/ SEE MY VEST, SEE MY VEST / MADE FROM REAL GORILLA CHEST / FEEL THIS SWEATER, THERE'S NO BETTER / THAN AUTHENTIC IRISH SETTER... / SEE THIS HAT, T'WAS MY CAT / MY EVENING WEAR, A VAMPIRE BAT / THESE WHITE SLIPPERS ARE ALBINO / AFRICAN ENDANGERED RHINO... / GRIZZLY BEAR UNDERWEAR / TURTLES NECKS, I'VE GOT MY SHARE / BERET OF POODLE ON MY NOODLE, / IT SHALL REST... / TRY MY RED ROBIN SUIT / IT COMES ONE BREAST OR TWO... / SEE MY VEST, SEE MY VEST, SEE MY VEST / / LIKE... MY... LOAFERS? / FORMER... GOPHERS... / IT WAS THAT OR / SKIN MY CHAUFFEURS
+BUT A GREYHOUND FUR TUXEDO / WOULD BE BEST / SO LET'S PREPARE THESE DOGS...
+KILL TWO FOR MATCHING CLOGS
+SEE MY VEST... / SEE MY VEST... / OH, PLEASE, WON'T YOU SEE MY VEESSSST!
+I really like the vest.
+I gathered, yeah.
+He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!!!
+Sorry. You've gotta admit it's catchy.
+Come on, Smithers. Let's go finish the little flea circuses off. Except for "Little Monty," of course.
+We've gotta get the dogs outta there!
+Hush, puppies!
+We've gotta get you outta here!
+I know, the window!
+No Bart! What're you doing?
+Dogs always land on their feet.
+That's cats.
+No, it's dogs. I'll prove it.
+Best two out of three.
+Bart, Look! A laundry chute!
+Okay guys, let's move!
+Come on! Come on!
+I've got an idea!
+Sorry, Monty, but you're too big for this ride.
+Quick, let's get...
+That's impossible! How did you get here first?
+Oh well, there'll be plenty of time for explanations later. Right now, I'll be taking my puppies back.
+But they're ours! You stole them from us!
+Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
+Give me that! Now if you'll excuse us, children, the pups have a date with a fashion knife.
+There! Now you don't know which one is Little Monty! I guess if you don't want him to be part of your tuxedo, you'll have to let the other dogs go, too!
+Nice try. C'mon, Little Monty, stand up!
+Come on, stand up! Do your trick.
+No, don't! Stay down, Monty! Don't get up! Stay down! Stay down, boy!
+Excellent.
+Now it's simply a matter of bending down and picking up the one and only...
+This can't be happening! They're all standing! I can't tell them apart! All right, you win...
+I'll have to kill them all.
+But they're so wretchedly adorable! Twenty-five little Rory Calhouns. I can't do it!
+But I can kill you!
+No, I can't kill you either. Look at you standing there on your hind legs like a couple of Rory Calhouns.
+Well, Mr. Burns, I hope you've realized the folly of killing innocent animals for fashion.
+Oh, I have. I have! I swear I'll never wear any clothing made from an animal that can do an amusing trick!
+Another victory for Montgomery Burns' champion greyhounds! Twenty-five dogs, twenty-five world champions, which so far have earned their owner over ten million dollars. I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now!
+Homer! For the love of God, no.
+You don't have the guts to take us all on.
+Marge, you know that batting this lightbulb is the only thing that cheers me up after giving away those million dollar greyhounds.
+This bus has seen better days.
+Well, at least it's safer than the old bus.
+Uh oh, time to move. The hole's gettin' bigger.
+Seymour, the children are playing in the hole again. Shouldn't you get that fixed?
+Edna, you know they just cut the school's budget. Besides, if I had the money, I'd fix the exhaust leak in the back. Frankly, I think it's causing some of our low test scores.
+All right, the battlefield is just a half mile ahead. Begin braking procedure!
+This civil war cannon has been fully restored and is in ready-to-fire condition. But it's a good thing we're not firing it, because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower.
+People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive and the slightest jolt could set them off.
+Of course, for safety reasons, we don't keep the cannon loaded. It's just common sense.
+Otto, why don't you get some more gas. Here's the 'credit card.'
+...and a mint for afterwards.
+Five dollars a child?! Last year it was free.
+Hmh. New ownership.
+Bu..but we don't have that kind of money. In fact, no school could afford to...
+Here's the admission, plus, uh something for you. See that they get a little extra education, would you?
+Yes sir, Principal Valiant!
+He thinks he's so hot ever since he swept the "princi" awards. Those things are rigged.
+On May 21, 1864, the men of the Ninth Bearded Infantry were sunning and fluffing their beards in the sun. Suddenly, enemy troops crested that hill over there.
+Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally!
+We're sick. We need leeches, and hack saws to saw off our gangrenous limbs!
+But the Springfield brigade was too brave to accept the surrender...
+Come on, boys! Those white flags are no match for our muskets!
+Charge!
+... And the Springfielders heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy.
+It's hard to see what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers.
+All right children, switch.
+Hey, they're trying to learn for free!
+Get 'em!
+Use your phony guns as clubs!
+Run children!
+Start the bus Otto!! Start the bus!!
+Damn. I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.
+Okay, hop on!
+Wait! Wait!
+Well Seymour, because of your penny pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet.
+God bless the man who invented permission slips.
+Ah, I think I got your lunch.
+Oh, yeah. I didn't think this was for me.
+Seymour, the teachers are fed up. You have to start putting money back into the school. You've cut back on everything: salaries, supplies, the food. I don't care what you say, I can taste the newspaper.
+Posh. Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats.
+There's very little meat in these gym mats.
+That's it!
+Our demands are very reasonable. By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures.
+Oh, c'mon, Edna. We both know these children have no future.
+Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.
+I've never seen them fight like that, Bart. I'm worried that all this posturing and saber-rattling could lead to a teachers strike.
+Strike, eh?
+Oww! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of... malk?
+How do you expect us to teach with these supplies? Well this pointer's so old, it's worn down to a nub.
+It still points, doesn't it?
+Stop that. And look at this. The only books we have are ones that were banned by other schools.
+Well, the kids have to learn about Tek War sooner or later.
+Go away, Bart. This is not a good time.
+I saw you two fighting. I'm worried there could be a strike and the school would shut down.
+I'm sure you'd really hate that. There's not going to be a strike, Bart.
+Yeah, Skinner said you wouldn't have the wontons to go through with it.
+Skinner said that?
+Well, I had to clean it up a little.
+But basically, Krabappel said you'd give the teachers everything they want.
+She did?
+Yeah. She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day.
+We'll see about that. Simpson, I always thought you were sneaky and manipulative, but now I see you're really a very sensitive little boy.
+Thank you, sir.
+Seymour, you're being totally unfair and the teachers won't stand for it.
+Teachers. You don't have the guts to strike.
+Attention. This is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total -- Hey, gimme that.
+Attention teachers: we're on strike. Ha!
+Oh no. Strike?
+Miss Hoover, are you on s...
+Go home, children!
+Hello? Mrs. Pommelhorst? I'd like to get down now.
+Hey, n--now that Largo's gone, we-we can play the forbidden music!
+I heard that.
+Bart! Lisa! What are you two doing home so early?
+Great news, Mom!
+Horrible news, Mom!
+The school's on strike. Maybe forever. Overload. Pleasure overload.
+Luckily I've prepared for this, so I'm not too worried.
+Sit up straight... eyes forward... no talking... is that gum?... is that gum?... is that gum?
+Oh yeah.
+Bart, leave that crowbar here. You know I don't like you prying and jimmying.
+Mom! Dad! Great news! The teachers are on --
+We heard.
+And we already hired a tutor.
+Well. Looks like we'll be staying late today to make up for all this dilly-dallying.
+Awesome.
+You with the crane, spin around real fast.
+Now you, dump three tons of sand onto that port-a-potty.
+Hey, can't you tell my voice from a ten-year-old kid's? Ay carumba!
+Hey, that little boy is playing three games at once.
+Check mate.
+Lousy teachers. Trying to palm off our kids on us.
+But Dad, by striking they're trying to effect a change in management so that they can be happier and more productive.
+Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
+I've got some textbooks, but without state approved syllabi and standardized testing my education can only go so far.
+Honey, maybe you should relax a little?
+Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God! I'm losing my perspicacity!
+Well, it's always in the last place you look.
+So if we were in school this week, what do you think we'd be learning?
+Get away from me.
+Good news, people!
+Yay!/ I knew they'd cave in./ You did it, Edna!
+I'm happy to announce that another union has joined us in a sympathy strike: the piano tuners local 4-12!
+Now for operation strike-make-go-longer.
+You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.
+Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher.
+Well, we'll show him - especially for that purple monkey dishwasher remark.
+Seymour, you are truly incompetent.
+Well, I hardly think it's fair to...
+Dummy up, you. Listen to those passing motorists who support the teachers.
+Fifteen minute recess, Milhouse. The recess assignment is chapters three through seven.
+Yay, recess!
+Milhouse, I found a hive of killer bees. You wanna go throw rocks at it?
+Hey cool! There's a rabbit in here.
+Sorry Bart, I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome Scandal.
+However, it might be feasible in a fortnight.
+I can play in two weeks.
+I-I just can't believe Stark would stoop to that, and right in the middle of Montana and Dakota's wedding.
+All this free time. I never thought I'd get sick of Razor Fight II, The Slashening.
+I probably should stop. My doctor says I have the wrists of an eighty-year-old.
+What do you mean the bank is out of money? Insolvent?! You only have enough cash for the next three customers?!
+Wait a minute. J-just a second here. No. No. I don't have your money here. It's in Bill's house, and a-a Fred's house....
+Hey, what the hell are you doing with my money in your house, Fred?
+Grade me! Look at me! Evaluate and rank me! Oh -- I'm good, good, good, and oh so smart! Grade me!
+I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own rain coat.
+I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
+And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries, and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
+Hello, mother dear.
+That's it. We have to get them back to school.
+I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here! In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics.
+All right, I'd like to call this meeting of the PTA to or-diddly-order and let's see if we can't put an end to this strike fuss, huh? Mrs. Krabappel, why don't you begin?
+Oh, boo yourself. Our demands are simple: a small cost of living increase and some better equipment and supplies for your children.
+Yay! / That's reasonable. / Give it to 'em.
+Yeah, in a dream world. We have a very tight budget. To do what she's asking, we'd have to raise taxes.
+Raise taxes! / They're too high as they are right now! / Taxes are bad. / We don't want that.
+It's your children's future.
+That's true./ Children are important./ They're our future./ Best to plan.
+It'll cost you.
+Oh right, taxes. / I forgot that. / I don't have any extra money. / They're gonna raise taxes.
+She makes a good case./ Good point / Sounds logical.
+Oh right, the money. / That finger thing means taxes. / That means money./ I pay a lot of taxes.
+Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.
+I don't agree to that.
+Neither do I.
+Oh, this is a dilly of a pickle.
+Oh my God! The PTA has disbanded!
+No, no. The PTA has not disbanded.
+We do have an emergency plan in case of a prolonged strike right here.
+Let's see. "Replace teachers with super-intelligent cyborgs. Or, if cyborgs aren't invented yet, use people from the neighborhood."
+...Talking out of turn, that's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'. Staring at my sandals, that's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe, ooh, you'd better believe that's a paddlin'.
+All right... so the compression and expansion of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation, you can see it there, of the neighboring particles... Yes, what is it? What? What is it?
+Can I play with it?
+Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here.
+No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do. The colors children.
+Okay, when I call your name, ah, you say present, or here. No, say present. Anita Bath?
+All right, settle down. Anita Bath here! All right, fine, fine. Ah, Maya Buttreeks.
+Hey, hey, what are you laughin' at? What? Oh, oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well children, I can't help that!
+Wow Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.
+In my weaker moments I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself they're trying to teach.
+Well children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now. Leopold?
+All right, you listen up you little freaks. The fun stops here. You're gonna shut your stinkin' traps and behave, dammit. This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with...Marge Simpson.
+Hello class. Hi Bart. Over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi. Hey. Hello.
+Well, I'm sure some of you already know me. I'm Bart Simpson's mother.
+Hey Bart, what about the booby trap!
+Thank you.
+Mama's boy!/ Who's the new teacher's pet?/ Goody-goody.
+I meant the other booby trap.
+Ohh...kids have been doing that one since my day.
+So, how was everybody's day at school?
+Horrifying.
+Pointless.
+Exhausting. It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map.
+Marge, anyone can miss Canada... all tucked away down there.
+Mrs. Krabappel, I'm done failing the test. Can I please go to the nurse?
+Well, my teacher's a nightmare. Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes, he confiscated everything made of tin, and then he sent us home early because he got his beard caught in the pencil sharpener.
+Oh, oh, okay... Hmmm. Um here.
+Uh. Oh. Okay... Ah let's see. Um, what if I did this?
+You're on your own.
+There's no way I'll get into an Ivy League school now. At this rate I probably won't even get into Vassar.
+Well, I've had just about enough of your Vassar bashing young lady.
+Look Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started moppin' the floor?
+I'd be thrilled. You can start right now.
+And I'm gonna keep teaching your class. Like it or lump it.
+Well, then. I guess I'll just have to get into the crawl space again.
+I hate it when he gets in there.
+Psst. Over here.
+Mom, I need a dollar. Ever since you started teaching here, kids have been taking my lunch money. And I need that money for candy.
+Ah, here you go, precious. Now go off with your friends.
+"Here ya go, precious."
+Why isn't my mom stopping this?
+We've created a diversion.
+That's a very nice jig, Kearney. Now, isn't dancing much more fun than bullying?
+That's it. I can't take this anymore, Milhouse. I've gotta get the real teachers back.
+Bart, you'll never get Krabappel and Skinner together again. They're like two positively charged ions.
+Oh, this is wonderful! You're alive!
+Zuh? Wait, that's it! With your book smarts and my ability to exploit people with book smarts, we can figure out a clever plan to get them back together.
+A surprise party? For me? In Principal Skinner's office? Well I don't know, but all right...
+Me? Go to my office? It's highly irregular, but all right...
+...And you're not coming out until you reach an agreement.
+Let us out, Bart! / This is not funny, come on! / Bart, let us out right now!
+Don't worry, they'll start negotiating.
+Let us out! Let us out!
+For the love of God, let us out!
+Let us out-out-out.
+Come on! Or you are sooo sorry.
+Come on! Or you are going to be very, very sorry.
+Well Seymour, I guess we could start talking.
+What's the point? There's no more money. Unless you've got some magic new source of revenue.
+Well, we've got to figure something out. They've got us locked in here like prisoners.
+Prisoners in our own school. Hey...
+This was a great way to make extra money. Renting out our cloakrooms to the overcrowded prison system.
+Yo, I used to sit right over there.
+It's all right, children. Just ignore the murderer.
+And as a bonus some of our more troublesome students might be scared straight.
+Psst, kid. Help me break out of here, I'll totally make it worth your while.
+I'm listening...
+No thanks to you, Homer.
+Why you little...
+Hey kids, it's story time! I'm gonna tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit. His sexual harassment suit. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he has a new court-ordered sidekick, Ms. No-Means-No.
+Whoa! You're hot! Let's get some dinner after the show!
+I have dinner with all my employees, right Sideshow Mel?
+We've never spoken outside of work.
+I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction.
+It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor -- Percodan?! Aw crap.
+Bart, are you ready for your history test?
+Oh you bet, Mom. Ask me anything.
+OK. Who was George Washington Carver?
+Um, the guy who chopped up George Washington?
+Really? Wow.
+Bart, you said you were going to study.
+Oh, my stomach!
+You just don't want to take that test.
+No I mean it. It really hurts!
+Mom, I think he's serious.
+Kids are so naïve. Lisa, when you get to be our age, you'll learn a few things, like when a sign says "Do Not Feed The Bears," man, you'd better not feed the bears.
+Now get to school, boy.
+Mrs. Krabappel, I can't take the test. I have a stomach ache.
+Well that's a lame excuse for an excuse. Ha!
+Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'd get in a lot of trouble.
+Read page six of the school charter.
+No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies.
+We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake.
+Gosh, Bart, maybe you really are in pain. Well, it would be cruel not to let you go. Now you may go.
+Lunchlady Doris! Why are you here?
+Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
+Bonjour, you cheese eatin' surrender monkeys.
+Look, my stomach really hurts.
+All I can give you are these Chewable Prozac for Kids. Your choice: Manic Depressive Mouse.
+Or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.
+Superintendant Chalmers, I'd like you to meet our new school nurse, Lunchlady Doris.
+Yeah. Nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor?
+Well, in many cases the floor is the best... oh look! Here comes Lumpy, the school snake!
+Help! Help!
+Oh, Lord.
+Don't worry, son, you'll be fine. This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst, which will make it easier to find once I get in there .
+Man, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hot dog.
+Homer, this is an operation!
+Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!
+Woo hoo!
+Okay, Bart. I will count to three and you will be sound asleep! One... two... three!
+Out like a light!
+Scalpel.
+Whoopsie. Hmmm. Maybe if I fiddle with these knobs...
+Hey I smell gas. Pleasant gas. Night-night gas.
+How's my special little guy?
+How're you feelin', big brother?
+Now Homer, please. The boy has just had a very serious operation.
+Oh, right.
+Now, Bart I found the culprit: a jagged metal cereal O.
+Wicked. I got this cool scar and I get to miss a week of school.
+Doctor Hibbert, can I have my appendix out?
+Yeah, me, too! Can I have mine out, too? Etc.
+Why not? Follow me, kids! Nurse! Prep these children!
+I'm glad you're okay, Bart.
+Bleeding Gums Murphy!
+It's been a long time.
+Ew. How'd you get a name like that?
+My brother just had his appendix out.
+Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds and uh, I'm a little behind.
+He'll be fine.
+What about your family?
+Hey, I've got an older brother that I'll never see. He's a jazz musician or some such. Oh well. Bye-bye!
+It must be awful to be all alone in the world.
+I've been playing jazz for thirty years and I just can't make a go of it. I want you to have my saxophone.
+So I've been playing an umbrella for thirty years? Why didn't anybody tell me?
+That's not funny.
+Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry.
+Twinkle twinkle groovy cat/ How I wonder where you at/ I really love the way you cook/ Just like me when I wrote this book, "How to Make Love to Steve Allen"
+From the author of "Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen," "Journey to the Center of Steve Allen," and "The Joy of Cooking Steve Allen".
+Sir, don't you think you've had enough?
+When was the last time you worked?
+Hey, kids! Meet Grandpa Murphy!
+But we have three grandpas already.
+This one's a great jazz musician.
+They all are.
+Your sax! Thank you so much!
+Woo hoo!
+You see, the kids they listen to the rap-music which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', so they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see, jazz is like a Jell-O Pudding Pop. No, actually it's more like Kodak film. No, actually jazz is like the New Coke -- it'll be around forever. Heh heh heh.
+Wow, you've had some career. Although the moral seems to be that a lifetime of jazz leaves you sad and lonely.
+This just in. Krusty the clown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme park is a death trap, and that he's marketing videos of Tanya Harding's wedding night.
+... And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives. Next question.
+What about that little boy who got appendicitis from eating your cereal?
+To prove that this metal O is harmless I will personally eat one. See, there's nothing... Oh boy! This thing is shredding my insides!
+Uh, Krusty, that wasn't a metal one. That was a regular Krusty-O.
+It's poison!
+I sure am. Look!
+I stopped brushing my teeth so I can play just like you!
+LIFT ME, WON'T YOU LIFT ME / ABOVE THE OLD ROUTINE / MAKE IT NICE, PLAY IT CLEAN, JAZZMAN...
+WHEN THE JAZZMAN'S TESTI-FYIN' A FAITHLESS MAN BELIEVES / HE CAN SING YOU INTO PARADISE / OR BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES / JAZZMAN, OH JAZZMAN...
+Hey, Moe, what'll you give me for an AA chip?
+Uh, Barney, this is a five-minute chip. Eh... it's worth a Pabst.
+Now I have learned that most of the orchestra is having their appendixes removed. So without further ado, I give you the remnants of the Springfield Elementary School Orchestra.
+On saxophone, Lisa Simpson.
+On triangle, Martin Prince.
+And with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum.
+That's some nice flutin', boy.
+They will be playing Stars and Stripes Forever -- hopefully not forever.
+It sucks.
+Hey, Bleeding Gums! I was great! And I owe it all to...
+What happened to Mr. Murphy?
+I'm sorry. He passed away.
+Lisa, honey, are you gonna be okay?
+Bleeding Gums was my hero and I never got to tell him how I felt.
+Oh I'm sure he knew. And I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy.
+But he was the only person who had the same love for music that I do.
+Thank you. Oh Dad, why did he have to die?
+Well, it's like the time that your cat, Snowball, got run over.
+Uh huh.
+Remember, honey?
+What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
+Oh, Dad!
+I blew it again.
+Mmmmmm.
+Hey, Lisa. Are you still upset about that jazz guy?
+If it helps, I believe that after you die, you can come back as whatever you want. I'll be a butterfly.
+How come?
+Because nobody ever suspects the butterfly.
+I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly!
+He's crazy, boys. Get the taser.
+Uh, maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and wisdom.
+Death stalks you at every turn!
+Grampa!
+Well, it does. Death! There it is! Death!
+It's only Maggie.
+Oh yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks, 'til... Death!
+That's only the cat.
+Oh. Death!
+That's Maggie again, Grampa.
+Oh. Where were we? Death!
+How come it won't stop hurting?
+Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies, and Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you. But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them.
+Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love.
+Starland Vocal Band?! They suck!
+Isn't anybody gonna show up?
+Well Lisa, we've waited an hour. Dearly beloved... we are gathered here today to bid farewell to Blood-n-Guts Murphy.
+No! It was Bleeding Gums Murphy.
+Anyway, Bloody Gums Murphy was quite the sousaphone player.
+Saxophone! He was a jazz musician.
+You didn't know him! Nobody knew him! But he was a great man! And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name of Bleeding Gums Murphy!
+And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog.
+Homer, this is a cemetery.
+What do you do, follow my husband around?
+Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
+Good news, Bart! The Krusty-O Cereal Corp. has settled your case for one hundred thousand dollars... less, of course, my legal fees.
+What kind of legal fees?
+Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers.
+Ronald Chaporo, trial attorney. Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth.
+How much of the hundred thou do I get?
+Five hundred dollars!
+Yes, well, er...
+Glad you're happy. Let's roll.
+I can't believe it! Five hundred bucks! Just think what I can do with that money!
+Five hundred dollars on red.
+The winner is black.
+Mom, I want to honor Bleeding Gums' memory, but I don't know where to start.
+Hm, maybe you can get the local jazz station to do a tribute to him.
+Jazz. They just make it up as they go along. I could do that. Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee.
+That's Mary Had a Little Lamb.
+OK, then this. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo... doo doo doo doo doo doo
+That's the same thing! You just replaced dees with doos!
+Hi, I have a request. I would like you to do a tribute to Bleeding Gums Murphy, please.
+I'd love to, little sister, but we don't have his album.
+What if I could find it?
+Well, I'd spin it for ya, but you know, ain't no one gonna hear it. Our broadcast range is only twenty-three feet, which makes us the most powerful jazz station in the entire U.S. of A.
+Gee, your station has a lot of problems.
+Tell me about it. Just look at our morning guy.
+Hello. This is "Moleman in the Morning." Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.
+Two hundred and fifty dollars! But I need that album to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy.
+He's dead? Well why didn't you say so?
+Where am I gonna get five hundred dollars?
+Now drive, Smithers, drive!
+Excuse me, my good man, I have five hundred dollars to blow. What have you got?
+Behold... the ultimate POG.
+I'll take it!
+Lisa, look what I've got!
+Ta-daa!
+Bart! I can't believe it... But why?
+When I said my stomach hurt, you were the only one who believed me.
+Oh thank you. But five hundred dollars! You'll never see that much money again!
+Oh yeah? Take a look at this:
+I got the album!
+Here, you can listen to it on this.
+I did the best I could, Bleeding Gums.
+Attention all units! Attention all units! Poison gas cloud heading towards...
+Aw, that's nice.
+Hey, it's getting cloudy! Oh boy.
+That was for you, Bleeding Gums.
+Just pick the red card. It's totally not hard.
+You must avenge my death, Kimba... er, I mean... Simba!
+Luke, I am your father!
+This is CNN!
+We're sorry.
+I don't want you to go!
+Good-bye.
+WHEN THE JAZZMAN'S TESTI-FYIN' A FAITHLESS MAN BELIEVES / HE CAN SING YOU INTO PARADISE / OR BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES / JAZZMAN, TAKE MY BLUES AWAY ...
+One more time!
+Aren't you glad we got out of the house and came downtown for a little culture?
+They're butchering the classics. Could that bassoon have come in any more late?
+Ah, c'mon, Homer, there's lasers. You like lasers.
+Laser effects, mirrored balls. John Williams must be rolling around in his grave.
+Devilishishly satirical. I wonder if anyone else got that?
+We're outta here!
+Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types... So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook and suspect everyone.
+Three Card Monte.
+Woo hoo! Easy money!
+Homie, these games are fixed.
+Then how come that guy's winning?
+Whoa, I like totally won again.
+Way to go, bro.
+He looks and acts just like the dealer. I think they're related or at least in cahoots.
+Twenty on this one, my good man.
+Sorry dude. Black.
+Homer, he cheated you.
+Cheater. / Thief. / You're giving Three Card Monte a bad name.
+Surely you don't blame me.
+It's people like you who are ruining our downtown promenades and piazzas. How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid, like this.
+Ba-bye!
+Somebody stop him!
+He's getting away!! C'mon! C'mon!
+No Marge!!
+Uh, I must warn you, um, uh, sometimes ordinary people g-g-get a surge of uh- adrenaline. Wee-aah!
+See?...
+Cuff him boys, we're puttin' this dirtbag away.
+Ha! I'll be back on the streets in twenty four hours.
+We'll try to make it twelve.
+Marge, are you okay?
+Ah, I think I'm okay. It was scary, but, in a weird way, it was also kind of exhilarating.
+Yes, it is exhilarating to see the police get their man and save a hysterical woman.
+Oh for crying out loud...
+Easy now, sweetheart. Homie's here.
+Hey Mom, is this how you caught him?
+Lisa, please, you're too puny to --
+Lisa, unhand your brother.
+Yeah, like that really hurt.
+Mom, was catching that guy the most incredibly exciting thing you've ever done?
+Well, it was pretty exciting, but celery soup's pretty exciting too.
+Strange, regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore. I'm crossing over to deviled ham. Whoa!
+Hey, Mrs. Simpson, I just got the new issue of "Sponge and Vacuum."
+Thanks Benevenstanciano.
+Death sports.
+All right, get in there.
+You're goin' down.
+I wan-a piece of him!
+Yoo-- think you're pretty hot, eh? Well, we've got everything we need on you.
+Excuse me...
+What, what, what, what, what, what, what? This better be about pizza.
+Actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.
+Welcome aboard.
+You did what?!!
+I borrowed your nail clipper, what's the big deal?
+Nothing. I'm just a little edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop.
+Cool -- will you bring me along when you do evictions?
+You got it, little buddy.
+Marge, you being a cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman. And I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
+Homer, there's no reason for you to feel threatened. You'll always be the man of this house.
+Aw, thanks, honey.
+All right, you scrawny beanpoles, becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight... it takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
+Forget about the badge!! When do we get the freakin' guns?!
+Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
+I've had it up to here with your "rules."
+Women always have trouble with the wall. Can't ever seem to find the door.
+You missed the baby, you missed the blind man.
+Sorry, Simpson. You'll have to do the course again. I was trying to get this uh, magic eye thing to work. Look at that, heh, a pony.
+Hey everybody, Mom's home.
+They didn't have my size shirt, but you get the idea.
+Wow, Mom, I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure before.
+Marge, I want you to take care of yourself out there. You've become very dear to me.
+Oh, Homie, of course I will.
+Mom, if someone shot at the mayor, would you have to throw yourself in front of him and take the bullet?
+I suppose I would.
+What if they shot at a coke machine?
+TV with a picture of the mayor on it?
+Whatever you do, mom, we'll be proud of you.
+Well, thank you, honey.
+As long as it's constitutional.
+Homer, give me my pepper spray.
+Oh Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border.
+Mmm. Incapacitating.
+All right, settle people. People settle. People. Wood and Van Zuylen, stake out Donutland. When they fry up a fresh batch, call it in. Keneally and Erhart, back 'em up.
+Fitz and Garcia, it's your turn to sleep in.
+And Simpson, seeing how this is your first day, you're inexperienced and vulnerable, your beat is Junkyville and Bumtown.
+Hello, Mr. Hutz.
+Is Bart home?
+I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private. you stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney/dumpster confidentiality.
+I just wanted to say hello.
+Oh... hello .
+So, you are the new cop on the beat. Okay, I know the drill. What will it be? One hundred? Two hundred?
+Two hundred. No! No! I mean, I mean nothing. I don't take bribes.
+Yes. Of course you don't. I will just leave this money on the table with my unseeing back to the money on the table.
+Apu, no.
+That's better.
+I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address.
+Yes, indeed there is. There's an inflatable bath pillow that mother and I both enjoy. She claimed it was her day to use it. I maintain she was mistaken. We quarreled. Later, as I prepared to bathe, I noticed to my horror, that "someone" had slashed the pillow.
+Um-hmmm. Who called the police?
+We both did.
+Look, why don't you two settle down. I'm sure you can get another pillow.
+Well, I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why should I have to? I've done nothing wrong. And I don't give permission for my face to be on TV. I want it blurred.
+So, Mom, what are you gonna do with your day off?
+I just want to relax and forget that I'm part of that thin blue line which stands between civilization and chaos .
+Bart, it's illegal for you to operate that class nine vehicle without pads and a helmet.
+But Mom--
+It's for your own safety.
+Take that, safety boy.
+This padding's so easy on the knuckles. I could punch all day.
+I just hope they have "Us" magazine in heaven.
+He said it was his day to use the tub pillow.
+I can't go to the library anymore, everybody stinks.
+Don't stop talking on account of me. I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend.
+So, how are you, Mrs. Krabappel?
+Law abiding. I'm done.
+Moe, I've never seen you here before.
+These days my roots don't stay so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson.
+You don't have to call me "Officer." I'm not on duty here.
+Finished.
+Oh. Uh, a looks nice. It's a, it's a good length for you.
+Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad.
+Shush, dear, you'll wreck Daddy's fun.
+Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in... Oh my Lord!! Something horrible has happened!
+. Fooled you Flanders. Made you think your family was dead. Didja get it? They're not, though.
+But you thought they were.
+That's why it was so funny. But they're not.
+That's a good one.
+And that's the drunk tank, and this is mommy's desk.
+Mom, I know your intentions are good, but aren't the police a protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elites? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
+Look, Lisa. It's McGriff the Crime Dog.
+Hello, Lisa. Help me bite crime. Ruff, ruff.
+Hey, great news, guys. I picked up a nudie deck for our game.
+"The Girls of the Internet." Ooh, I'd go on line with them any day.
+Oh, hey, hey, we've offended Herman.
+No, I'm just goin' out for some fresh air.
+That guy sure likes his fresh air. None of that for me. Oh, yeah! Yeah!
+Hey, Homer, you sure it's okay to smoke Cuban cigars and gamble here now that your uh, wife's a cop?
+Are you kidding? Being a cop-husband is one mighty sweet deal: this police radio entertains me with other peoples' miseries; we get a free funeral for Marge, God forbid; and I can run background checks on whomever I want Mohammar--
+Homer, please, please, ix-nay on the ohammar-may.
+Hey, hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.
+C'mon, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer.
+All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per --
+Illegal gambling in my house?!
+Yo-your house?! Your house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated I thought I was in Vegas. Hey you guys lied to me! You said it was Vegas!
+We'll be goin'... / We'll just be goin'... / We don't want no trouble, officer...
+Marge, you chased away all my poker buddies.
+I didn't mean to.
+Oh, you've become such a cop! And, not that long ago, you were so much more to me - you were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons, an unplugger of hairy clogs.
+I'm still all those things. Only now I'm cleaning up the city, sewing together the social fabric, and unplugging the clogs of our legal system.
+You're cooking what for dinner?
+Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law. Dog, no leash. Man littering. Horse not wearing diaper. Car parked across three handicapped spaces...
+Hey, Marge. How's my little piglet?
+Homer, I'm on duty.
+That's okay. I'm supposed to be workin', too.
+You have to move your car.
+I'll just be a second, Marge. I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.
+I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car now.
+I'll be right back. Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.
+Oh, that's it. I'm gonna write you a ticket.
+C'mon, we're family.
+You're breaking the law.
+I'll make you a deal. You rip up that ticket, and I'll give you back your hat. Wuh, wuh, wuh! Hee, hee-hee!
+Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.
+What're you gonna do about it? What're you gonna do? Ooh, I'm Officer Marge, I'm gonna arrest you! Whoa! etc.
+Whuh! Marge, not here. Hey, you're not really arresting me...?
+You have the right to remain silent...
+I choose to waive that right.
+All right, Simpson, you're free to go.
+Lemme just finish this last lobster tail and raspberry torte.
+All right, Hans. Time to go.
+But, he ate my last meal.
+Well, if that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.
+Are you really allowed to execute people in a local jail?
+From this point on, no talking.
+I'm sorry I had to arrest you, Homer. But what I did was right. Someday, when you really need it, you'll be happy there are dedicated cops like me out there.
+I have nothing more to say to you, Marge. I'm drawing a line down the center of the house à la "I Love Lucy" -- you stay on your side and I'll stay on my side.
+Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, "Spaceballs." But instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy."
+Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case and the other case, there's only one case left.
+Yeah, yeah, Barney's right. / Yeah. / Let's get some more beer. / Hey what about some beer? / Yeah, Barney's right!
+All right guys, pipe down. I've got some more in the garage.
+I'll, I'll-I'll get it, Homer.
+Hmm... I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage.
+"Garage?" Hey fellas - "the garage". Ooo la de da, Mr. Frenchman.
+Well, what do you call it?
+A car-hole.
+You're late, Herman.
+Surely you don't mind waiting for merchandise of this quality, Mr. Jericho.
+Ah, looks like good stuff. But, of course, I'll have to sample it first.
+Well, these are fabulous.
+Yeah, who would suspect that they're... counterfeit jeans.
+And what better place to make the buy than in a cop's garage where no one would suspect a thing.
+Hey Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny - A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone! Wait here.
+Not so fast.
+Maybe you should just stop entirely.
+Herman, how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the victims? Hard working designers, like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. These are the people who saw an over-crowded marketplace and said, "me too."
+Advance on him, men.
+I don't think that's a very good idea.
+Oh, no. It's Gloria Vanderbilt out for revenge!
+No, it's Officer Simpson - of the police!
+Herman, your beef is with me. Leave the girl out of this.
+It's too late for me, Marge! Sell the jeans and live like a queen.
+Just taking Maggie for a stroll.
+Well, I guess I am putting up the Halloweenie decorations a little early. Criticism accepted.
+Bust 'im, Mom! / Get 'im, Mom! / Nail 'im! / You can do it!
+Go back to bed! Don't make me come up there!
+Looks like your wife is embarking up the wrong tree.
+Freeze!
+Freeze! Every mother knows the secret entrance to her son's tree house.
+Oh, Marge. You saved my life! I'm sorry I teased you. You're a really good cop. I'm proud of you.
+So long, gotta catch the 501.
+He's gettin' away! You blew it, Marge!
+I don't think so.
+Oh! Foiled by my own shoddy merchandise. Gee!
+That's my ambulance! I called for it four hours ago.
+Marge, how did you know...
+That the pants would rip?...
+No, what I was wondering is...
+Years of buying pants for two active children and a full-seated husband has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching, which these jeans have in spades.
+That's some nice work, Simpson. But um, we can't hold him, there's no evidence.
+Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
+Ah, they've uh, mysteriously, uh, disappeared.
+Looking good, boys.
+That's it! There's too much corruption on this force. I quit!
+Sorry to lose you, Simpson.
+I don't think they're comin' back.
+Well, that does it. That does it! I'm lookin' at his cards.
+Aw crap. I fold.
+I tried.
+Wet cement! Is there any sweeter sign? Well, maybe "High Voltage."
+Hello son, you want to try this flying motorcycle I just invented?
+No time.
+This is for the ages.
+Like Stonehenge, this site will forever be a mystery. Who was "Bart," and how did he manage to write his name in solid cement?
+He must have been much smarter than his sister Lisa, about whom we know nothing.
+Say, let's bring him back to life by using technology.
+Ay caramba!
+What's normal to him amazes us.
+He will be our new God.
+Aah. Oh, good, somebody's shadow. I'll just turn and brag about my work.
+Bart, you've graffito-tagged public property.
+It was an accident.
+I can't believe you vandalized your own home town, Bart. What would Jebediah Springfield say?
+I think he'd be cool with it.
+Oh, Homer, would you please help me make a big deal of this?
+What for? Nobody cared when Bogart defaced that sidewalk in Hollywood.
+Well, I am just shocked by this whole family. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned town pride?
+It's been going downhill ever since the lake caught fire.
+Now just a darned minute! This town is a part of who you are.
+This is a Springfield Isotopes cap. When you wear it, you're wearing Springfield. When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield. When you make lemonade from our trees you're drinking Springfield.
+Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.
+Bart, you have roots in this town and you ought to show respect for it. This town is a part of us all, a part of us all, a part of us all. Sorry to repeat myself but it'll help you remember.
+This town is a part of us all... a part of us all... a part of us all...
+Wow, that does work.
+Hey, gonna win some this season?
+Gonna try!
+When it comes to catchin' trout, nothin' beats the German light infantry.
+Beautiful, aren't they?
+Yup, I'm gonna huck 'em at cars.
+Hey, Milhouse. How's the lemonade business?
+It's clearly booming, Bart!
+I don't even want any. I just bought a pity glass...
+We've squozen our whole supply! To the lemon tree!
+Thar she grows!
+You know Milhouse, I've been thinking. This town ain't so bad. Good friends, lots of lemons, numerous angel sightings -- when you get right down to it, Springfield's a pretty cool place to live.
+Springfield sucks!
+Hey, stop talking bad about my town, man.
+Why don't you make me?
+I don't make trash, I burn it.
+Then I guess you're a garbage man.
+Well, I know you are, but what am I?
+A garbage man.
+Oh, I know you are, but what am I?
+A garbage man.
+I know you are, but what am I?
+A garbage man.
+Takes one to know one.
+Check mate.
+Hey kid, stop wearing your backpack over one shoulder. We invented that, copycats!
+Aw. You copied us!
+Step over this line and say that. I'll kick your butt. At Nintendo.
+I just put a rock in your crummy town.
+That's a crud rock. It belongs in crud town.
+Look at the weak little baby. You're stupid, you stupid weak baby. Come on, let's get outta here.
+Hey! They're taking our lemons!
+We can't spare a single one!
+Ow! Ow!
+You just got citric acid in my eye. You'll pay for that, Springfield.
+Aah! Some things never change.
+Hey, everybody, an old man's talking.
+Grampa's the name. Did you know this tree dates back to frontier times?
+Shut up! It all began when Jebediah Springfield first came to these lands with his partner, Shelbyville Manhattan...
+People, our search is over! On this site we shall build a new town, where we can worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets.
+Yes! And marry our cousins.
+I was... Wha.. What are you talking about, Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?
+Because they're so attractive. I-I, I thought that was the whole point of this journey.
+Absolutely not!
+I tell you, I won't live in a town that robs men of the right to marry their cousins.
+Well, then we'll form our own town! Who will come and live a life devoted to chastity, abstinence, and a flavorless mush I call "rootmarm"?
+The town of Springfield was born on that day. And to mark that sweet moment our people planted this lemon tree. Lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.
+Those Shelbyville kids think they're so hot. But you know what? They're not.
+I really agree with you on this one, Bart.
+Class, please. If you don't learn Roman Numerals, you'll never know the dates certain motion pictures were copyrighted.
+Everybody come quick! Something's happened! No time to explain!
+No, children, no. Your-your education is important. Roman Numerals. Etcetera. Whatever.
+Are you sure it wouldn't be faster to just tell us what happened?
+No. I said there's no time to explain, and I stick by that.
+The lemon tree's gone!
+And the tracks appear to lead into Shelbyville.
+Oh. Look, a clue! A candy bar wrapper!
+Oh, they're always eating candy in Shelbyville. They love the sweet taste.
+We gotta get that tree back!
+Euh. You mean, go into Shelbyville? Euh. We'll never make it out alive!
+That lemon tree's a part of our town, and as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead.
+Where you going, Bart?
+Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me.
+And now I am going to teach some kids a lesson.
+I choose to take that literally.
+Death to Shelbyville!
+Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, Son! Tute on!
+Hey, Milhouse -- get your invasion supplies and let's go!
+What the -- ? Where'd he go?
+Over here, my friends. Or is it over here?
+Okay, here's how it goes. I'm the leader. Milhouse is my loyal sidekick. Nelson is the tough guy, Martin's the smart guy and Todd's the quiet religious guy who ends up goin' crazy. And now, the time has come to cross this line into mystery and danger. To step out of childhood and become men.
+If you get lost remember, you can always find east by staring directly at the sun.
+Here's a tip. Put a pinch of sage in your boots, and all day long a spicy scent is your reward.
+Oh my gosh-- look!
+The fire hydrants here are yellow.
+This place is startin' to freak me out.
+Danger coming. Behind us.
+What is it boy? Is there something behind that wall we should beat up?
+No time to check it out now. We've got lemonade to sell.
+Radical.
+They're gettin' rich off us!
+And that kid with the backpack said "radical!" I say "radical." That's my thing that I say. I feel like I'm gonna explode here!
+It's almost lunch time. Do you know where your brother is tutoring?
+Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerilla combat in Shelbyville.
+Well, do you have a number where we can reach him?
+No, Mom! Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville.
+Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence-gang!
+Euh. The trail has become indistinct. I suggest we split up, to cover more ground.
+Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin.
+Team Discovery Channel!
+Your wussy-ness better come in handy.
+Hey, where's my... / What's going on?/ I want some answers, damnit!
+Okay, okay folks, look. I called the Police Captain in Shelbyville. He says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the morgue he's gonna fax us.
+Man, I hate those Shelbyville jerks!
+Honey, I was born in Shelbyville.
+And it tears me up inside.
+This is my fault. I tried to teach Bart about town pride, but the power of my words filled him with a sort of madness.
+We just got word there's Springfield kids in town!
+Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. And let's not forget your little speech...
+Isn't there anything we can do?
+Yes, there is. Come on, everybody, let's go into Shelbyville and get those kids back ourselves! I got an R.V. we can use... Flanders's!
+Yeah!/ Let's do it!/ Yeah!
+Well, okay, but, you know, just go a little bit easy on the...
+Pile in, everybody! No time to wipe your feet!
+Okay piglet, start squealing! Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade?
+Ah. This is Countrytime Lemonade Mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!
+Hey! Nobody hassles my little brother.
+Hey, and no one manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Muntz. Spring forth burly protector and save me!
+Oh, geez. I never hang out with him, normally.
+Hark to the tale of Nelson and the boy he loved so dear...
+They remained the best of friends for years and years and years!
+What are they saying?
+I'm not sure.
+I thought you said you could read lips.
+I assumed I could.
+Aw. It's no use, Milhouse. If we're gonna find that lemon tree, I've got to go undercover. What I need is a new face.
+You leave that to the Baron and me.
+Hello there, fellow Shelbyvillians.
+Wait a minute. If you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you at school?
+I don't go to school.
+Okay. What's two plus two?
+Eh, story checks out...
+Curse those handsome devils.
+We're going up to the bluffs to paint "Springfield Sucks" in huge letters. That way, whenever they look into Shelbyville, they will realize that they suck.
+Uh, radical.
+Quit copying me--!
+You know, I wish there was a Springfield kid here right now. I'd fill his mouth with stinkbugs.
+No, not in my mouth! Aye--is what the kid would say. To the bluffs!
+Well, a friendly Springfield hello there, neighbors. I, you know, we think some kids of ours may be missing in your town.
+Missing children?
+Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem.
+Maybe that's why we beat 'em at football nearly half the time. Huh?
+Quit stallin', kid. Write "Springfield Sucks" in giant letters.
+His can control is excellent.
+Yes. And that wig makes him look a lot like one of the Beatles.
+That's right. The stranger who walks amongst you is me, Bart Simpson!
+You know, Bart Simpson. From Springfield?
+He's from Springfield! Get him!
+I'll use these spray cans as jet packs and fly to safety. So long, losers!
+You're dead.
+Uh... hey, look! Someone's attractive cousin.
+Huh? Really? Where? Lemme see.
+So he thinks he can out skateboard me, huh? Launch me, boys!
+Slow down, you sidewalk surfin' cube- gleamers!
+Uh oh, wet cement!
+I could sure use that flying motorcycle now.
+You had your chance.
+Safe at last!
+CAUTION: Exit through door seven only. All other rooms contain man-eating tigers.
+Roman Numerals. They never even tried to teach us that in school.
+Milhouse! What's seven in Roman Numerals?
+I'll tell you, Bart. But you really should end each transmission with the word "over". Over.
+Correction -- the only thing that's over is that transmission.
+Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?
+But... Milhouse is my name.
+I thought I was the only one.
+A pain I know all too well.
+So this is what it feels like, when doves cry...
+Milhouse! Milhouse! Now what do I do?
+Wait! I got it! I got it!
+I don't got it.
+Okay. Think, Bart. Where have you seen Roman Numerals before? I know, "Rocky Vee!" That was the fifth one. So "Rocky Five" plus "Rocky Two" equals "Rocky Seven: Adrian's Revenge!"
+Oh, it's no use. I'm never gonna find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute! There's a lemon behind that rock.
+The tree!
+A car impound lot, the impenetrable fortress of suburbia.
+We'll never get the tree back now!
+Keep your voices down, boys. We didn't come this far to get found out.
+Found 'em!
+You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this.
+But they stole our lemon tree!
+I don't care what excuse you've got, nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech, you're gonna -- lemon tree?!!
+Package for parcel processing. Pronto.
+That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back or we'll bust in there and take it!
+Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
+Stupider like a fox!
+I'm okay.
+Hu-hu-hu-hu. Don't you get it, Springfield? It's over. You lose. Now if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry.
+This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anybody wants me, I'll be in the shower.
+There's got to be a way to get that tree back. Hey, look. A hospital! Pull in there.
+Oh, great. Now I'm upside-down.
+Oh, dear. Some thoughtless human being has parked in a hospital zone.
+AND I THINK TO MYSELF, WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD...
+No one in history has ever done anything this clever.
+I'll get the gate.
+That's okay, son. I'll take care of him.
+Faster, son -- he's got a taste for meat now!
+Get out here, son -- there's-a doin's transpiring!
+Let's shut the gate and seal them in!
+Gun it, Flanders!
+It won't start! Something's draining the battery?!
+We made it!
+Woo-hoo!
+Eat my shorts, Shelbyville!
+Eat my shorrrrrrrts!
+Yes. Eat all of our shirts.
+Ooh! Ya lousy Springfielder! Shake harder, boy!
+Perk up, Prendergast. Profoundly pressing package of power plant profit projections for Pete Porter in Pasadena.
+And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Springfield. They had brought the sacred tree back to its native soil, and though Flanders was stuck with the impound fee, he could easily afford it.
+More lemonade, Bart?
+Absolutely.
+Say when.
+And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Shelbyville. They had banished the awful lemon tree forever, because it was haunted. Now let's all celebrate with a cool glass of turnip juice.
+Ah, is there nothing so intoxicating as the school hallway at early morn?
+Hmm. School normally doesn't smell so... rank.
+Ahh. Washbasin fresh. That funk must be coming from one of the classrooms.
+Poor fellow. Crushed by his own water bottle...
+Willie, sometime over the holiday weekend, the beloved Grade Four gerbil, er, Superdude, lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial.
+Yer lucky yer getting a decent burial! Me own father got thrown in the bog!
+What in the name of St. Ephesiocritus?!
+Yuck. What reeks?
+Smells like one of Van Houten's!
+It does not!
+Miss Hoover? The floor is shaking.
+Ralph. Remember the time you thought the --
+Mommmmy!!!
+Now, before we adjourn, gentlemen, I have one last matter of utmost importance. I need to send this parcel with the profit projections to Pete Porter in Pasadena - And it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight!
+Pete Porter. Pass it on.
+Pasadena. Promptly.
+Priority?
+Precisely.
+Here's your package, Mr. Burns!
+My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
+Sounded large when I ordered it. I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby-traps.
+My Lord. Such destruction.
+Superintendent Chalmers! How are you going?
+Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded," I immediately thought of the word "Skinner"?
+I-I-I-I-I...
+Congratulations, gentlemen. Your custodian struck oil. You're standing on top of the richest elementary school in the state.
+We also found this.
+Thank you, Superdude.
+Bah! A non-profit organization with oil? I won't allow it! An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleedingheart and Maynard G. Muskie-vote!
+Sir, have you had enough exercise for this morning?
+No. Let's do another twenty miles.
+Hello, Lenny, Carl, Guillermo...
+Hello... Eh... do..er... uh... Oooh...umm...
+Don't take it so hard, Homer. He's always screwin' up people's names.
+Yeah. At the picnic, he thought my son Reynaldo was my son Rolando. Can you believe that?
+Superintendent, we made the front page today!
+Uh, what's that say under your hand there?
+Hm, it's an unrelated article.
+It's an unrelated article. Within the banner headline?
+Yes. Now, to re-direct our conversation slightly, I had a few ideas on how to spend this oil money.
+Well, we could give each student a full college scholarship.
+Oh mercy. Seriously though, before we draw up the budget, I believe the students and faculty have a few suggestions...
+I want a crystal bucket for my slop-water. Oh, and a brand new filthy blanket.
+The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.
+I'd like to start a jazz program for the music department. We've got a really great instructor lined up...
+Tito Puente!
+He's ready to give up the drudgery of the professional mambo circuit and settle into a nice teaching job.
+Man, it will be my pleasure. Lisa has told me all your students are as bright and dedicated to jazz as she is.
+Let's go now, Mr. Puente.
+Chocolate microscopes...?
+You know those guitars that are like double guitars... you know?
+More rubber stamps.
+Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.
+That's odd. I don't have a secretary, or an intercom. But send him in.
+Ahoy there, Dean! I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my Fourth Form chums think it would be quite "corking" if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern!
+Mr. Burns...
+It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's most prominent 104 year-old man for one of my elementary school students.
+Hey! If you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya.
+I want that oil well! I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the Electric Company and the Waterworks, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue.
+That hotel's a dump, and your monopoly is pathetic. The school's oil well is not for sale. Particularly to a black-hearted scoundrel like yourself!
+I see. Then I'll just have to... AT-TTACK YOU!
+I must have that oil! Oogh! Smithers! Smithers, help me subdue this beast!
+Sorry, sir, this is all I could find! Take that! And that!
+Please don't waste those.
+I'm happy for the school. It sounds like this money is gonna provide a lot of new opportunities.
+Big deal. They didn't approve my idea. They said it was "unfeasible."
+It is unfeasible to resurrect the dead, Bart. And even if the Three Stooges were alive, I doubt they'd want to hang around with you.
+Well, um, yeah. I guess they'd probably want to be with their families or something, huh?
+I hate my job. I mean, what's the point when your boss doesn't even remember your name?
+I have an idea.
+What? What's your idea?
+When my father was first trying to catch my mother's eye, he sent her a box of candy with his photo in it. After that, she never forgot him.
+That's all well and good, but it's not really your idea, is it now Marge?
+That's it. Frimble about with your widgets and doobobs. It'll all be a monument to futility when my plan comes to fruition.
+Sir... uh, What I'm about to say violates every sycophantic urge in my body, but: I wish you would reconsider. This isn't a rival company you're battling with. It's a school. People won't stand for it.
+Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby.
+Say, that sounds like a larf. Let's try it right now.
+Hey hey.
+Ah, ub, there's some candy right here, Sir. Why don't we eat this instead of stealing?
+Oh, very well.
+Oh, look, there's a photo in here.
+Hmm, yes. I believe that's little Maggie Simpson -- the baby who found my precious teddy-bear Bobo. Oh and there's that, ah Simpson mutt, my former guard dog.
+Ooh uh, uh, that's B-Bart Simpson. He was my heir for a brief period, you know.
+Yes, Sir, I remember.
+Anything left?
+Only the sour quince log, Sir.
+Dispose of it. And uh, send a thank-you note to Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie Simpson.
+Today, Springfield Elementary embarks on a new era: an era of unbridled spending where petro-dollars will fuel our wildest educational fantasies. These young minds will enjoy every academic advantage... ...until they enter Springfield High School, which has no oil well.
+We got an air hockey table!
+Fine. Now, to switch on our oil pump for the very first time, here's our top student, Lisa Simpson.
+There's no pressure! Someone else has tapped this well!
+Ay carumba!
+Ah. Soon that mighty apparatus will burst forth with its precious fluid. Almost sexual, isn't it, Smithers?
+Oil ho!!
+Huzzah!
+Huh? Wahw!
+Holy Christmas.
+Your dog's condition has been upgraded from "stable" to "frisky," and he's free to go. His legs should be good as new in a few months. But in the meantime, he'll have to use the Wheelabout.
+I'll get even with whoever did this to you, boy. I swear it.
+Oops, almost forgot. Wouldn't want you gnawing on those casts, eh boy?
+Haw haw!
+Haw haw!
+I'm afraid we've got no legal recourse against Mr. Burns and his slant- drilling operation. The oil belongs to whoever pumped it first.
+What about all the expensive stuff we wanted? Can we still have it?
+In fact, to pay for the construction, and operation, and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all non-essential programs: music...
+What?! / Que?!
+And maintenance.
+I'll kill that Mr. Burns!! And wound that Mr. Smithers. Outta my way!
+Oh, no. that's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh. He owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
+Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
+Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
+"Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie." Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
+Kids, would you step outside for a second?
+F-F-F-F-F-F-
+Dear Lord. That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard.
+These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?
+Man alive! There are men alive in here!
+I'm detecting over twenty different toxins in the air.
+All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed.
+Damn Burns... Lemme just get one thing.
+Me too.
+Ahhhh, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.
+Earthquake!
+Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!
+Well, Sir, you've certainly vanquished all your enemies: the elementary school, the local tavern, the old age home. You must be very proud.
+No, not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat, and energy. I call this enemy... the sun!
+Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing -- block it out.
+Good God!
+Imagine it, Smithers. Electrical lights and heaters running all day long.
+But Sir, every plant and tree will die; uh, owls will deafen us with incessant hooting... the town sundial will be useless.
+-II don't want any part of this project. It's unconscionably... fiendish.
+I will not suffer your insubordination! There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon, and you will fall into line. Now.
+No... No, Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.
+I'll do no such thing! You're fired!
+Take that, bowl-a-rama! Take that, convenience mart! Take that, nuclear power pla-- Oh, fiddlesticks.
+I must say Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate. Selfish, even.
+Mr. Burns has been shot!
+Burns needs some serious boosta-fazoo. Right, Dad? Dad? Homer?
+Sorry, Grampa. It's just that, for a second, it looked like Dad had melted.
+Well, get used to it, cause I'm livin' here now. I ain't goin' back to the retirement home until they fish my bed outta that sinkhole.
+Strained carrots for Maggie... Strained carrots for Grampa.
+I want a bib, too.
+Smithers, who is that ignoramus?
+Smithers, who is that lollygagger?
+Who is that blubberpot?
+Who is that bafflewit? / ...lummox? / Puddinghead? / Mooncalf? / Limpnoodle? / Goldbricker? Drizzlepuss? / Cueball? / Fumblefist? / Galoot?
+Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it!
+Look out!
+Just a minute.
+Who the devil are you?!
+Homer Simpson! Homer Simpson! Shut up! Homer Simpson! My name is Homer Simpson!
+What? What are you talking about? Clearly make sense, man. I can't understand a word you're saying. You're just babbling incoherently like some sort of...
+Oh, you're a dead man! Oh, you're dead! You're dead Burns!
+Hey, the lamps runnin' away.
+That's my dog, man.
+So long, lamp. Now stop loafing, and help your Grampa unpack.
+That's my old Smith & Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause it's loaded.
+Bart! Put that down! Guns are very dangerous, and I won't have them in this house.
+How can ya have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through the door?
+I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it.
+Echt! You shoulda fired into the air! She woulda run off!
+People! Take it easy! We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to uh block out our sun. It is time for decisive action! I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him, or at least give him the gist of it.
+Also, it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore, I will step aside and open up the floor.
+Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to a friend. But he fired me, and now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central.
+Oh! Dear God!
+Aw. It's not that bad. I mean, I never miss "Pardon My Zinger."
+Burns cost me my groundskeepin' job at the school! And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
+A-causa him, I lost my room, my things, and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines!
+You bastid!
+I lost my bar!
+I lost his bar!
+He robbed the school of music!
+He robbed the school of financial security!
+He robbed the school of Tito!
+He can't remember my name!
+He's causing us all to yell!
+Look what he did to my best friend!
+No, my dog!
+Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I could sell him a little oil.
+You twisted old monster!!
+Nuh-uh-uh.
+Won't... dignify that... with response.
+I've decided to protect myself... Ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant.
+Arr! Burns, yer scurvy schemes will earn ye a one-way passage to the boneyard!
+Uh, I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel.
+I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal machinations of Hell's grim tyrant!
+Oh, you all talk big, but who here has the guts to stop me?
+Mmm hmm. Very well. One last question: Have you ever seen the sun set at 3:00 PM?
+Aye! Once when I was sailing 'round the Arctic Cir...
+Shut up, you! Take one last look at the sun, Springfield.
+Hey, hey! I've been in Reno for six weeks. Did I miss anything? What the..
+Eternal darkness. Well, that's just great.
+Listen, someone's got to get that Mr. Burns. Uh, where's a gun-toting low-life when you need one?
+Sorry, I was in the can.
+Ahhh. Perpetual twilight bathed in the glow of Burns brand electricity!
+Hello lamp post/ Whatcha knowin'? / I've come to watch your power flowing.
+That's odd. Mr. Smithers left his jacket behind.
+Whoa. That's odd. Principal Skinner left his mother behind.
+That's odd. Where's Homer? And Bart? And Lisa? And Grampa?
+After all these years, things are finally starting to go my way. I feel like celebrating. I...
+Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? I see. Well, I think you'd better drop it. I said drop it! Get your -- get your hands off--
+Where is everybody?
+Hey, man, are you okay?
+Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!
+Oh, wait. It is Burns. His wrinkly skin looks... looks like a mask.
+I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town's a suspect.
+Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
+Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, you know, it's my job, right?
+Ugh. My mouth tastes like an ashtray.
+Smithers, wait your turn. There's plenty of hot water for all.
+Sir, you weren't shot? It was all a dream.
+That's right. The year is 1965, and you and I are undercover detectives on the hot-rod circuit. Now let's burn rubber, baby!
+"Speedway Squad!" In color.
+Wait, that was all a dream. Hey, then maybe I haven't become a hideous, drunken wreck!
+Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at Town Hall.
+Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital, where doctors upgraded his condition to "alive."
+Now, let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.
+Oh, hiya, Kent. Ah, right now we are questioning two witnesses who were in the vicinity at the time.
+Didja see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot?
+Aw, it's no use. They ain't talkin'.
+Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns. Even us.
+Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad, well, you kind of went berserk when he couldn't remember your name.
+Berserk is right!! May I have some iced tea, please?
+Aren't we forgetting someone, Sister Suspect?
+Yeah, I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program, and my friend Tito Puente got fired. But I could never shoot someone.
+Could so!
+Could not!
+Could so!
+Could not!
+Could so!
+Could not!
+Could so!
+Could not!
+Kids! Kids! Kids! As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
+The police already have a suspect. It's Mr. Smithers.
+Sure, Smithers! / He's a good suspect! / Oh, I bet he's the one! / Definitely Smithers!
+Yeah! Smingers did it! Case closed. Now, where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse.
+We don't have an outhouse.
+My tool shed! Oh Dad!
+Could I have shot Mr. Burns in a drunken rage? No. No, not me. I know in my heart I...
+My gun! And it's been recently fired! Wait, I remember leaving the town meeting...
+I must've run into Mr. Burns outside, and...
+Mr. Burns! What have I done?!
+Hey, Homer, us hotheads here is gonna go tear down Burns' sun blockin' machine. You wanna come with?
+Sure! I've had it up to here with these damn rickets!
+Pull, Duchess, pull!
+Um... Uh, what town did we just crush?
+Shelbyville.
+Oh, this guilt is driving me mad. I've got to tell someone.
+Father, I'm not a Catholic, but... well, I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade... Anyway, I've got a... rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who... who shot Mr. Burns.
+That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.
+The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone.
+This isn't a rival company you're battling with. It's a school. People won't stand for it.
+Pish-posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby.
+Say, that sounds like a larf.
+And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.
+Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to Dr. Colossus!
+Ow. When is my lawyer coming?
+Mr. Smithers! / Smithers! / Over here, Waylon! /
+Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where are you going?
+Oh, do your research, Shutton! Ah, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor?
+Kent, I, I feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook.
+I'm going to say "ouch!" for Madonna.
+Hey! That's my Madonna gag! That guy stole my gag!
+And you stole it from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger."
+Stole, made-up, what's the difference?
+Mr. Smithers must have seen that program, too. He never misses it. Hm.
+At the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye Gods. To the police station, Krusty!
+I am Melvin Van Horne, and this is my associate Herschel Krustofsky.
+Officer, you have arrested an innocent man!
+Really? Aw, jeez.
+All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.
+All my stuff is there.
+I was referring to Waylon Smithers. Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3:00 p.m. -- the very time that Smithers was at home watching "Pardon My Zinger." So you see, he couldn't have done it.
+Yes! You're right! I remember now! I - I watched that entire show! In fact...
+I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time.
+Agh. I've gotta run, or I'll miss the opening rank-out.
+Slow down! The sidewalk's fer reg'lar walkin', not fer fancy-walkin'.
+Out of my way. I'm in a hurry.
+You simmer down, I'll letcha go.
+So... Instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse.
+About fifty-thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean. Eeeeh! Bzzzt! Sizzle...
+Wait a minute. If a second old geezer got shot, how come nobody reported it?
+Uh, hi. Um, can we take a look at your leg?
+Yeah, that's real spruce. You like it?
+Phew. Thank God. Sir, I, I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg.
+You shot who in the what now?
+Okay, Smithers, you're free to go. And you, one question: do you know who shot Mr. Burns, cause we are really up the creek on this one. .
+And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: "Who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers?"
+I guess it's never the most likely suspect.
+Look at Burns' suit. Yeesh.
+Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason.
+Hey, I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name...
+Who the devil are you?
+Homer Simpson! Homer Simpson!
+Well, I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.
+Eh, you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane -- but last year, I proved myself wrong.
+Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament! Maybe I could help solve this!
+I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer?
+Who wants chocolate ice cream?
+Me! Me! Me, me!
+Okay boys, we've got a clue - the bullet they took out of Burns. Now, let's discuss the, um...
+Motive.
+Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it was about money.
+That's some good thinking, Lou.
+Thanks, Chief.
+Hey! I said that. My name is Lisa Simpson, and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look.
+Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially: nightclub owner Moe Szyslak. His bar was closed because of Burns' negligence; liquor connoisseur Barney Gumble. When Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support -- sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine.
+That's a real good way to get sick.
+Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner. His school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well; and grounds-tender Groundskeeper Willie. He lost his job and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket.
+I had an idea, Chief. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot?
+Hey, what about that jazz teacher that got laid off? You know, um, Mister Samba? Señor Mambo? What was it?
+Tito Puente?
+Well, he did vow revenge. But I can't see him doing something illegal -- he's in show business! He's a celebrit--
+Let's roll, boys.
+Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I can set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge. Uno, dos, tres...
+WOUNDS WON'T LAST LONG / BUT AN INSULTING SONG / BURNS WILL ALWAYS CARRY WITH HIM. / SO I'LL SETTLE MY SCORE / ON THE SALSA FLOOR / WITH THIS VENGEFUL LATIN RHYTHM! / BU-URNS! CON EL CORAZON DE PERRO! / SENOR BU-URNS! EL DIABLO CON DINERO!
+THIS MAY NOT SURPRISE YOU / BUT ALL OF US DESPISE YOU / PLEASE DIE / AND FRY / IN HELL / YOU ROTTEN, RICH, OLD WRETCH! ADIOS, VIEJO!
+Yeah! Okay, okay, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all the suspects are this much fun.
+Hum-m-m. Now-now let, let... me... let me think.
+Now, I did - I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage makeup...
+Blast! I took mother's makeup kit by mistake.
+Oh, uh, excuse me, ma'am.
+Superintendent Chalmers!
+Oh my God!
+So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
+Oh yes. But, anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.
+I'm tellin' ya, I could nay have shot Burns!
+This is your last warning about that.
+Did you have that same backwards-talking dream with the flamin' cards?
+I'll drive.
+It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingers! Look at 'em!
+I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.
+Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.
+Video game?
+Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
+All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.
+Checks out. Okay, Sir, you're free to go.
+Good, cause I got a hot date tonight. A date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Watching TV alone. All right. I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. Sears catalog.
+Now wouldja unhook this, already please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!
+Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't there. Have you seen it?
+You accuse me of everything around here. Who put slippers in the dishwasher? Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch?
+I was just asking if you'd seen it. There's no need to be a prickly pear.
+Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad.
+Were you talking to me, Grampa?
+Um... yes?
+We're still not close. Boy, this is gonna be an all-night brain buster. Better drink some coffee.
+Oh, we're out of coffee. Oh well, I'll just drink this warm cream.
+Chief Wig-gum... Don't eat... the clues.
+This suit burns better. Look.
+Better... look... burns... suit.
+I'm not following you.
+Burns' suit! Burns' suit!
+Eureka!
+Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours?
+No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a D.N.A. test.
+Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh... That takes eight to ten weeks.
+Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds.
+Whaddya got the whole town's D.N.A. on file?
+Yuh-huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got yer D.N.A. Whyddya think they keep 'em in circulation?
+Scan's finished. Now it's gonna narrow it down to the family bloodline.
+Homer Simpson!
+Bingo. The gunman has a name-o.
+Chief! Chief! Chief!
+Hey, Chief Wiggum, what are you doing? What's going on?
+I'm sorry, kid. We got Simpson D.N.A. on Burn's clothing and your father was identified by the old man himself.
+D.N.A., positive I.D. -- Those won't hold up in any court -- Run, Dad!
+Hey-ho. Look what I found under Mr. Simpson's car seat.
+I swear, I've never seen that gun before.
+Then why are your fingerprints all over it, sir?
+This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
+Yeah, that's what they all say. ...They all say, "D'oh."
+Yeah we need two cups of coffee, and two orders of Bite-Size Breakfast Pancakes. With extra dipping sauce.
+Please pull up to the service window, please.
+The wagon's too tall. Aw, I don't wanna have to get out. Ah, I'll just drive up on the curb.
+Ergh... Blugh... Almost got it...
+Drop the food, Chief!!
+Noooooo!
+Dang fools. Drive-thru's not fer a-parkin'.
+Dianne, I'm going to take my break now.
+Hi, everybody!
+Ho, Mersimp Son!
+Okay, that was a little strange. Um tell me, how are you feeling today?
+Ho-mer... Simpson, Homer. Simpson!
+Hmm... That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?
+The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it, they have Homer's D.N.A...
+They have Simpson D.N.A. It could've come from any of us. Except you, since you're a Bouvier.
+No. No, no. When I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including D.N.A.
+Okay, Mom. Anyway, my point is, the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints. They could've gotten on the gun some other way.
+Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice cream cones?
+Yeah, right. You chose fruit, you live with fruit.
+No. No. No. Ewww. Why is this on the floor?
+And we don't even know whose gun that was. Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad.
+No. We can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart.
+That's right. We all gotta stick together if we're gonna have any hope of bringing that awful Homer to justice.
+Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files.
+And now Waylon Smithers -- ah who's been a real good sport about that wrongful arrest thing -- has a statement that he would like to make. Waylon?
+Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain that there is nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore, I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture. Dead or alive.
+Me first! Me first!
+Homer Simpson?
+So you finally learned my name, eh?
+Homer Simpson.
+I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.
+The scene of the crime! There must be something here that can clear Dad.
+Clue, clue.
+That's it! Oh, Mr. Pigeon, I'd kiss you if you weren't swimming with disease.
+So, the D.N.A. was right. It must've been... Oh, Dad!
+Attention all units. Homer Simpson has been sighted. Proceed at once to Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital.
+Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have fifty-one per cent of the carcass.
+Stop! Don't shoot my Dad! He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly!
+Ho-mer Simp... son. Ho... mersimp... son.
+Stop telling them it was me. I'll kill you for saying it was me.
+Mersimp... Son... what is the... mer... meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?
+Say it Burns. Say I never shot you... Before.
+Shot? By you? I'm afraid not my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was...
+Ma.. Maggie Simpson!
+With the sun blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world...
+So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth.
+I feel like celebrating.
+Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
+Look, we just want to make movies. Not kill things.
+Yes... that's the one. Smithers had thwarted my attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulance.
+I think you'd better drop it!
+But the old exhume was misleading. Taking the candy proved exceedingly difficult.
+I said drop it!
+Stricken I lurched forth in search of aide.
+But finding only slacked jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial.
+Then with your last ounce of strength you pointed to W and S.
+Or from your point of view, M and S... Maggie Simpson.
+What? No! With my last ounce of strength I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.
+Well, I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and you've recovered and we can all get back to normal. If Maggie could talk I'm sure she'd apologize for shooting you.
+I' afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby.
+Yeah right pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Mmm... except maybe Texas.
+Besides, she didn't mean it. It was an accident.
+Aw, all these new superheroes suck. None of them can hold a candle to Radioactive Man.
+The only decent new one is Radiation Dude.
+Nah, he's just a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man.
+Explain.
+The similarities are subtle, but many. For example, Radioactive Man has his famous catchphrase "Up and Atom" - with atom spelled a-t-o-m in a delicious pun...
+... while Radiation Dude has a similar, but lamer catchphrase: "Up and Let's Go."
+So, you kids fancy yourselves experts, eh?
+Well, between us we've read all 814 issues of Radioactive Man.
+Yeah, and we both have the special limited edition issue where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.
+Well, I suppose you know then that Hollywood is planning a feature film about "Radioactive Man."
+I have got to do something about that air conditioner suction.
+Who's gonna play Radioactive Man?
+I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.
+Okay, here we are...
+"Alt-dot-nerd-dot-obsessive." "Need know star RM pic."
+I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star. I think we should bring back Dirk Richter. Kids will wanna see the original Radioactive Man.
+I keep telling you. He's 73 years old and he's DEAD.
+Granted, but...
+Besides, we want to stay as far away from the campy 70s version as possible.
+Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It's the worst villain of them all: The Scoutmaster!
+I see him, Fallout Boy.
+Go get 'em, scouts!
+Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!
+So, where could we shoot this picture? We need a city that has a nuclear reactor and a gorge, and can guarantee us the full cooperation of city officials.
+I'll check "Variety."
+Wow! Look at that ad!
+All right. This place must be hot. They don't need a big ad or even correct spelling.
+I agree with that logic.
+Get me two plane tickets to the state that Springfield is in.
+All right. We have 30 million dollars to spend.
+We'll blow up our dams, destroy forests, anything. If there's a species of animal that's causing problems - nosing around your camera-- we'll have it wiped out.
+Right. We understand.
+Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man...
+Radioactive Man, stupid.
+Strange. I shouldn't have been able to hear that. Anyway, a Hollywood studio has decided to film the Radioactive Man movie here in Springfield.
+Yayyyyyy!
+And they will be holding auditions to find a local youngster to play Fallout Boy.
+Oh, and the air conditioner will be fixed this afternoon.
+Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again!
+Bart, why are you talking like that?
+Yeah. And who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?
+I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialogue. If I get this role, I could finally come to terms with this funny little muddle called Bart.
+Eve - er - y - one - is - talk - king - a - bout - Ra - di - o - ac - tive - Ma - an - y'all.
+Wow! You mean you were one of the original Little Rascals?
+Which one were you? The ugly one?
+Were you the ugly one?
+No. I was the tough kid. Smelly. My shtick was looking into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a faceful of soot. Heh, nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kinda hard to think of reasons for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time, but you know, we had good writers. William Faulkner could write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.
+If you were such a big shot, why aren't you still making movies?
+Moe?... Moe?
+Oh no! My favorite aggie!
+You stole my bit! You... That's my bit ya... Ya... ooh, ooh, you stole my bit!
+Oh my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa!
+Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio.
+Oh, I see / Yeah / That makes sense.
+With wealthy Hollywood people on the way, local merchants can be forgiven for raising their prices a little.
+Watch out, Radioactive Man.
+Watch out!
+...Radioactive Man!!!
+Whoa... Aah...
+Totally awesome.
+Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's all in the delivery. ...Now is the winter of our discontent...
+Oh no! Run!
+Mom, don't make me do this. I don't wanna be an actor.
+Nonsense. You're going to be great. Now take off those glasses so they can see your beautiful eyes.
+At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?
+Watch ou...
+Haw, haw. Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party. If I didn't laugh, I'd cry.
+At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?
+What's for lunch tomorrow?
+Chicken necks?
+We're never going to find... wait a minute.
+That child has the exact qualities we're looking for. He's perfect. What is his name?
+I don't know. He just came along with one of the others. He didn't sign up officially.
+Oh, forget him, then. It wouldn't be fair to the other children who filled out their application forms in full.
+At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?
+Watch out, Radioactive Man!!!!!
+Brilliant reading. Again!
+Watch out, Radioactive Man!!!!!
+Fantastic! One more time.
+Watch out, Radioactive Man!!!!!
+Congratulations, Bart Simpson, you're our new Fallout Boy.
+That's what I'd be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short. Next.
+I've got to grow an inch by tomorrow or I won't get that part. Pull, you mighty stallions, pull. Show me no mercy.
+I only grew half an inch. I'm still too short.
+Growing half an inch in one day is still pretty good, Bart.
+Yeah, that's how fast Grampa is shrinking.
+Oh, I'm as tall as I ever was.
+Is there anyway I can look taller without actually being taller?
+Good news, gentlemen. I've grown that extra inch you wanted, plus several feet more.
+We've found our new Fallout Boy!
+And he's right over there!
+Ladies and gentlemen, meet America's new Fallout Boy!
+Outta the way, boy. Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer. Uh, keeper awayer.
+Leave me alone! Mom! Dad! Make 'em stop!
+What is all this stuff?
+We heard you've become a star. We decided we'd better start living in the fast lane.
+What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this?
+I'm sorry, I can't hear you son. I'm wearing a Jacuzzi suit.
+Hey, you're not Milhouse.
+Keep away! etc.
+I just missed out on the greatest opportunity of my entire life. George Burns was right -- show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
+Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great, someone to rub lotion on him, someone to hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
+You're right, Lis. I can suck up to him like the religious people suck up to God.
+Guess what, kids. They're gonna pay us fifty dollars a day to film some of the movie here.
+We'll run that cable through here.
+Careful now.
+Hey, didn't you direct "Unnatural Discretion"?
+Heh, yes I did.
+Hooey! Whew, oh. You know, I never walk out of a movie, but Eech!
+I've got an idea, Mr. Simpson. Why don't you get something to eat from our food truck?
+Mr. Simpson?
+You've got to give me the part of Krispy the clown.
+I'm sorry, you're wrong for the part.
+But look at my range!
+I'm sorry. Krispy the Klown has been cast. But I will hire you for Angry the Clown, Silly Sailor and Doctor Clownies.
+I won't let you down. Well, I might let you down on Silly Sailor.
+Up and Atom.
+Up and at them.
+Up and ATOM.
+Up and ATOM.
+Better.
+Hi, Milhouse. Hey, I want you to know that I'm glad at least one of us got the part.
+Milhouse!
+I didn't do it! I wished him well! I wished him weeelll!
+Stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet.
+There's the real Milhouse.
+Milhouse!
+No. I am just Milhouse when he gets hurt.
+Okay, let's get the real Milhouse over here under the X-ray truck.
+Hi, Bart.
+Hey, cool, Milhouse! You get to be crushed by a truck!
+It sounds like more fun than it really is. Hey, I, I think I'm lying on a broken bottle.
+Beautiful. Use it. Okay. Fallout Boy origin scene. Take one. Action.
+Up and AT THEM!
+Thanks for the help, Mysterious Stranger. Say, I think those x-rays gave me super powers.
+And... cut! That was perfect. Let's do it again.
+Uh, these aren't real X-rays, are they?
+Good question. We'll check into that. Okay, X-ray machine to full power and ...Action!
+Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?
+Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta use horses.
+What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?
+Eh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.
+You guys work on the movie?
+You saying we're not working?
+Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster. So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to you?
+Oh, here he comes. What is it now, Quimby?
+Nothing. Nothing. only... the uh... city has just passed another tax on uh, puffy directing pants.
+But I don't wear puffy pants.
+I meant, a uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants.
+I'm sorry.
+Wow. You really got it made now, Milhouse. This is living.
+Is it, Bart? Is it?
+Ever since I became a movie star, I've been miserable. I had to get up at five A.M. just for makeup.
+Should we give them some of their money back?
+I like the way the blush brings out my cheekbones, but it's not worth it. And making movies is so horribly repetitive. I've said "jiminy jillikers" so many times the words have lost all meaning.
+We've got to do the "jiminy jillikers" scene again, Milhouse.
+But we already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It's done.
+Yes! But we've got to do it from different angles. Again and again and again and again and again.
+Ahhhhh!
+Yeah. Ahhh!
+I can't believe Silly Sailor beat us both out and imprisoned us in his floating aqua world.
+Jiminy jillikers!
+Da-dah now, there's no need for profanity, Fallout Boy.
+Everyone in town has been gouging us silly, but it's worth it. It's all up there on the screen.
+Yes, that Milhouse is going to be big. Gabby Hayes big.
+Okay, listen up, everybody. This is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie and we only get one shot at it so we have to do it right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety, moments before he's hit with a forty- foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that's real acid. So I want to see goggles, people.
+Real acid?
+Okay... Roll film... Tip the acid vats... and, action!
+Only Fallout Boy can save me now.
+Where's Fallout Boy?
+Fallout Boy!
+My eyes! The goggles do nothing.
+Where in the Hell is Milhouse?! That one shot cost us a million dollars.
+Where's the producer? I want to talk about this coffee.
+Thanks to modern editing techniques, we can use existing footage to complete the film without Milhouse. Watch.
+Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
+Jiminy Jillikers, Radioactive Man!
+We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?
+Seamless, huh?
+You're fired.
+And with good cause.
+Okay, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs will never fail.
+But... uh, will they just find Milhouse? Or will they find him and kill him?
+Well... uh... when they find him they'll um... mumma hammell fusnuhm...
+Uh, excuse me. You didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
+Yeah... yeah, I did kinda trail off there, didn't I?
+I know Milhouse. I'll just check all his old haunts.
+Have you seen Milhouse?
+No. Now go away. We're racing for the title of the Champion of the Universe.
+Awright!
+Yo, Doctor S. Have you seen Milhouse?
+Okay, thanks.
+Did you know there's a direct correlation between the decline of the Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? Think about it.
+I will.
+No you won't.
+The only place left is the treehouse.
+Stay away from me, Bart. I mean it, I'm not goin' back. I'm not cut out to be a star.
+But Milhouse, being a star is every patriotic American's dream.
+Not mine. It's a sham, Bart. You get up on that big screen pretending to be a hero, but you're not. The real heroes are out there, toiling day and night on more important things.
+Television.
+No! Curing heart disease and wiping out world hunger.
+But Milhouse! They haven't cured anything. Heart disease and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are all a bunch of pitiful losers. Every last one of them. Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, and, to a lesser extent, the Van Dammes.
+Mickey Rooney!
+Hi Milhouse. The studio sent me to talk to you, being a former child star myself and the number one box office draw from 1939 through 1940.
+Wow, spanning two decades.
+How'd you find us?
+Uh, they tapped your treehouse phone.
+Milhouse, listen. You can't quit this movie. I've seen your work. It's good, very, very good. Van Johnson good.
+I know I'm good. Movie stardom is just so hollow.
+Hollow? The only thing in show business that's hollow is the music industry. C'mon, Milhouse, ya have to do this. If not for yourself, then for the movie-going public, and for the foreign markets that are more important than ever nowadays... and finally, for me, the Mickster.
+All right, I tried.
+Fortunately we have a perfectly good uh Fallout Boy right here.
+Jiminy jillikers, jiminy jillikers, jiminy jillikers!
+We're shutting down production.
+Yeah well, we only have a thousand dollars left anyway.
+Uh, there's, uh, a thousand dollar leaving town tax.
+Well, I hope you're all satisfied. You've bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks. Folks from Hollywood, where values are different. They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story. A story about a radioactive man. And you slick small towners took 'em for all they were worth.
+Hurry, Mr. Rooney! We've got a disenchanted little girl in a Jell-O pudding commercial.
+I can play that.
+So, Milhouse, it must be a little tough givin' up all that glamour comin' back to school, huh.
+Quiet, maybe I can get my citizenship.
+We know you don't have any money left, but that doesn't matter. Just take whatever you need from our boutiques until you can get back on your feet.
+Thank God we're back in Hollywood, where people treat each other right.
+Here's your toast, Maggie. I Melba-fied it myself.
+Oh, Lisa, honey, I tracked down those old newspapers for your history project.
+Wow, Mom. You didn't have to go to this much trouble.
+Oh, it was no trouble. The hobos at the dump were very helpful. Except one man who seemed to have mental problems.
+G'mornin'.
+Bart, it's class photo day. No dracula fangs.
+But they told us to wear 'em.
+No they didn't.
+And don't put signs on your sister.
+Now, keep the lettuce separate until 11:30. That way, the lettuce stays moist and the bread stays dry! Eh? Eh?
+Mom, you fuss over us way too much.
+Enjoy it now, because when you're a grown up, you'll have to take care of yourself.
+Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
+You did the right thing by telling me.
+Shoo! Get outta here!
+Ahhh, that's better. Now that we're alone, Papa Bear has a li'l honey for his Mama Bear.
+"Good for a three hour getaway at the Mingled Waters Health Spa." Mineral bath, facial, massage... How did you afford these?
+Oh, never you mind...
+What advantages does this motorcar have over, say, a train? Which I could also afford.
+Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet while --
+...gently massages your buttocks. Well, Count Homer, shall we discuss the--
+No we shan't. Yoink!
+Homie, this is so sweet. But I can't possibly go now... the sink is full of dirty dishes, the trash needs to be taken out, the living room is a mess...
+Oh, we'll clean up this afternoon.
+What about Maggie?
+I got my dad to look after her.
+BEHIND YOU!!
+Don't do that!
+Don't do that!
+C'mon, Honey, you work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.
+Well, all right, but I'm taking some of the ironing with me in the car.
+Tighten those braids, missie. Hoist your flag, Dooley.
+Nelson, you look adorable.
+I feel like punchin' myself.
+Bart, stop scratching. You're messing up your hair.
+Lice?! How on earth does a boy get head lice in this day and age?
+We bought a wicker basket from Pier One and he was passed out inside.
+Hey, how come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse?
+S-So cold. So very very cold.
+See ya in hell, ye wingless blood-suckers!
+What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpel hygiene?
+Well, ya better check out his sister. She could be rrrife with them boogs, too!
+Hey, c'mon! Those are prescription shoes! I need them!
+You have cooties! You have cooties!
+No I don't!
+Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office for head lice inspection.
+/ Cooties! / Lisa's cooties have lice!
+Ow! Mah tug!
+Heads up!
+Printhipal Thkinner, I need thum shoes.
+Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten at the Simpson house.
+This is so relaxing. Homie, this was a wonderful idea.
+Yeah. If that mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
+Don't mind-a me. Look, I do it-a first.
+Whoa, would you look at this place.
+Sink full of dirty dishes, trash not taken out, living room a mess. Stacks of old newspapers... From twenty years ago!
+Get ready, gamblers, for the World Series of Dog Racing!
+A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his own filth. Seems confused and dehydrated.
+Where is the baby?
+That's her, ain't it?
+Kids love that water.
+Oh my Lord!
+Stupid babies need the most attention.
+All is well... all is well... You are floating away on a soft cloud of --
+Turn tape over!..
+All is well... all is well...
+Children, where are your parents?
+I don't know. They should be here.
+Yes. They should be here.
+Those parents better have a good excuse.
+I love gettin' away from this dump.
+It's like I'm on some wonderful drug!
+What's going on here?
+Child Welfare, Ma'am.
+Here's a little bedtime reading.
+Squalid hell hole... toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion... Dogs mating on dining room table?
+What are you doing with my children?!
+We're taking them where you can't get them.
+What?! No! You can't! I won't let you!
+Mrs. Simpson. Restrain yourself or you'll be arrested.
+Now just relax, kids. All we're doing is taking you to a foster home!
+Heydilly-ho! Welcome to your new home, neglect-areenos!
+Kids, meet your new foster family.
+We love you!
+Uh, please don't hug me. It sickens me.
+I don't judge Homer and Marge, that's for a vengeful God to do.
+Mmm-hmm. All we want to do is give you kids a good home until they get their act together.
+You don't understand. Mom and Dad take good care of us.
+That was a baby tooth... it was loose...
+Don't you worry, little girl. We'll get you some nice county dentures.
+Parents are not to communicate with children and must stay at least 100 feet away at all times...
+We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!
+Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch.
+Saxa-ma-phone. Saxa-ma-phone.
+I can't believe I put my own pleasure ahead of my home and family. That is so like me.
+Oh, Marge, don't blame yourself. I'm the terrible parent. The boy bugs the hell outta me, I can't help Lisa with her homework. The only thing I'm fit to take care of is a houseplant.
+Lousy houseplant!
+Go with it!
+Here you go, Todd. The city edition.
+Bart, I don't know if this should be an extra.
+Is your source on this reliable?
+I hate this place.
+Yeah. It seems like our house, but everything's got a creepy Pat Boone-ish quality to it.
+Hey, kids! Nachos, Flanders-style! That's cucumbers with cottage cheese.
+Oh, Bart. I know you're still getting adjusted here. Tell you what. We'll do whatever you want to do.
+Watch Itchy and Scratchy!
+Well, I guess a little television won't hurt. I used to let the boys watch "My Three Sons," but it got 'em all worked up before bedtime.
+Why? Why? My only son.
+Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of Kitty's ears?
+Uh, er, that's just raspberry jam.
+Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did?
+No, son. No sirree, Bob.
+Can you see them?
+I can see Lisa... but it might be a starfish. I've gotta call 'em!
+The number you have dialed can no longer be reached from this phone... you negligent monster.
+That's it. We're going downtown to get our kids back. Right now!
+We've always tried to be good parents. Please, I'm begging you, one mother to another -- you must have a family.
+No, I don't care for children.
+Now wait a minute! Okay, I'm not gonna win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have kids. Wait, can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day... I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa!
+And Margaret?
+Who? Lady, you got the wrong file.
+It's Maggie!
+Oh, Maggie. I got nothing against Maggie.
+I can see you sincerely want your children back. But you have a lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your children, you'll have to complete a course called Family Skills. It teaches parents to listen to their...
+Communication. Gotcha.
+But it's important to...
+Listen. Yes, I know.
+But there's more to it than...
+I have listening skills!
+Mr. Simpson, would you please --
+Shut up, Judge!
+Peek-a-boo! I see you!
+Peek-a-boo! I see you!
+I never heard Maggie laugh like that before.
+Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention?
+When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her.
+I thought I could ride this thing out, but everything's just too weird here.
+I know. They put honey on their pancakes instead of maple syrup.
+And they read Newsweek instead of nothing.
+C'mon, you Gloomy Gusses. Who's up for a big bowl of non-fat ice milk?
+I want wintergreen!
+Unflavored for me!
+...and then I saw my boy in a burlap sack and they told me he had lice!
+Is this story goin' somewhere?
+All right. Easy there, Flub. We're all gonna get a chance. Mrs. Skinner, why are you here?
+The county is threatening to take my Seymour away. We had another fight over the inflatable bath pillow. I kept screeching and screeching at him but--
+All right... Very good. Now, who knows how the Skinners could have resolved this problem...without resorting to violence...or childish name-calling?
+Anybody? Okay, that's okay, because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch.
+Light switch?
+There are a lot of little tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago. Such as: If you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or failing that, a cool, wet sack...
+And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window.
+This is so humiliating.
+Garbage in garbage can. Makes sense.
+Nighty night, my sweet li'l foundling-a-dings.
+But it's only 7 o'clock.
+Yeah. The sun is still out.
+THEY SAY YOUR FOLKS CAN'T PAY THE RENT/ SO WE'RE WATCHING YOU BY ACT OF GOVERNMENT.
+WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF THE ALLEGATIONS ARE TRUE / BUT YOU GOT US, AND BABY, WE GOT YOU.
+BABE. WE GOT YOU, BABE.
+You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us. I think she's beginning to forget Mom and Dad.
+Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?
+Or the way Dad used to call the radio station with fake traffic tips?
+They're ten feet away and we can't even talk to them. I wish I could tell them how much I miss them.
+It's so quiet here without the kids.
+What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes.
+I miss the way Bart would say something and then say "dude."
+I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now.
+You mean Maggie?
+That's it.
+We've never been separated from the kids for so long. I don't know how much more I can take.
+There's Bart's ring!
+Todd Smells. Aw, I already knew that.
+Well, look at the other side.
+Okay, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem... Go!
+Paw, I cut myself on the screen door again.
+Why you cotton pickin' --
+No! I've gotta pass this class for my kids. Son, let's stop the fussin' and a-feudin'.
+I love you, Paw!
+I love you, Cletus!
+Well, children, it's Saturday night, so what say we let our hair down and play Bombardment...
+...of Bible questions.
+Which version shall it be?
+St. James!
+The Vulgate of St. Jerome!
+Vulgate it is.
+Okay. For one gold star: What Persian king exempted the Levites from taxation?
+Ataxerxes!
+Righty-o!
+Well...
+I know!
+No, Son, we've got to let Bart and Lisa get one. C'mon, this one's easy.
+We give up.
+Well, guess! Book of Revelations... Fire-breathing lion's head... tail made out of snakes... Who else is it gonna be?!
+Jes... ? Jes... ? Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Rehaboam? The well of Zohassadar? The bridal feast of Beth Chadruharazzeb?
+Why, that's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism.
+Uh, actually, the... We were never baptized.
+Oh, Neddie! Neddie! Neddie!
+No, that ain't gonna do it.
+I'm very proud of you people. You've learned how to care for your children, how to maintain your homes, and you've all passed the drug test -- except for Marge. Marge, you tested positive for crack and PCP.
+Oh, my.
+Okay, the re-test says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake.
+The only thing I'm high on is love. Love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little "L.S.D." is all I need.
+All right, sounds very good.
+Jeepers H. Crackers! I'd better call the Reverend!
+Ned Flanders is on the phone.
+Hello, Ned...
+Reverend... Emergency... I... You... Simpson kids... Eedily... Baptism... Oodily... Doodily-doodily...
+Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
+Damn Flanders.
+Looks like I'm gonna have to baptize you myself.
+Kids, we're good parents now! Get your asses out here!
+We missed you so much!
+He's going to baptize our children?
+Oh no! In the eyes of God they'll be Flanderseseseses!
+Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents. But now I know you kids need a less hellbound family.
+Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.
+Ha ha. You're gonna be Lisa Flanders.
+You're gonna be Bart Flanders.
+Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
+That's because she can't talk.
+Daddilly-doodily.
+Where we going? Where we going?
+Okay, okay, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders!
+The Springfield River!
+I ONCE WAS LOST, BUT NOW AM FOUND / WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE!
+Today we write a new page in the Flanders family bible.
+Who wants to be the first to enter God's good graces?
+Easy, easy.
+Oh, why do you hate my trains?
+Son of a bitch...
+Do you reject Satan, and all his empty promises?
+Noooooooo!
+Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
+Oh, Bartholemew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
+Wait, Homer. What did you just say?
+I said shut your ugly face, Flanders.
+Oh, fair enough.
+Oh, there's my sweet little Maggie.
+Oh, Maggie, you're a Simpson again!
+So, what was it like at the Flanders' house?
+Yeah! Gimme all the dirt!
+Like I don't have a soul?
+Let's see. Dirt... dirt... Well, there wasn't really much dirt.
+There was a bunch of old paint cans in their garage, though.
+Old painty-can Ned!
+Hymns here! I got hymns here! Get 'em while they're holy! Fresh from God's brain to your mouth!
+And now please rise for our opening hymn... Uh, "In the Garden of Eden" by "I. Ron Butterfly?"
+IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, HONEY / DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU? / IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, BABY / DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE TRUE...?
+Hey, Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?
+OH, WON'T YOU COME WITH ME AND TAKE MY HAND? / OH, WON'T YOU COME WITH ME AND WALK THIS LAND?
+PLEASE TAKE MY HA-A-A-ND!
+Wait a minute -- This sounds like rock and/or roll.
+I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...
+... where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
+... where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
+...where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
+... where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
+...where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
+... where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
+Bart did it! That Bart right there!
+Milhouse!
+Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. You too, Snitchy.
+I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes that you have befouled with your "popular music."
+You shank. How could you tell on me?
+Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.
+Soul? Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
+But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
+I don't hear scrubbing.
+Well, if your soul's real, where is it?
+It's kinda in here. And when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away.
+Uh huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?
+Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.
+How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen. You don't have a soul, I don't have a soul, there's no such thing as a soul.
+Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me.
+How much you got?
+Five bucks.
+There you go: one soul.
+Pleasure doing business with you.
+Any time, chummmmm...p.
+All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight?
+The Spaghetti Laboratory!
+FaceStuffers!
+Professor V.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery!
+Well, what about this place? "Moe's."
+Agh! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
+Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant.
+Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table.
+Daddy, this place smells like tinkle.
+Mmm-hmm, I think we'll just go to The Texas Cheesecake Depository.
+Everybody is goin' to family restaurants these days. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.
+Ya ain't thinking of gettin' rid of the dank, are ya, Moe?
+Uh, maybe I am.
+Aw, but Moe, the dank. The dank!
+Yeah. Family restaurants. That's where the big bucks are. I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family, huh?
+I'm not ashamed.
+Hey, put a coaster under that.
+Oh, Li-sa. There's a little present for you lying in the driveway.
+Oh boy! Really?
+Nooooo! It's dripping funny-smelling water all over me!
+I wasted five bucks on these.
+Where'd you get five bucks? I want five bucks.
+I sold my soul to Milhouse.
+What? How could you do that? Your soul is the most valuable part of you!
+You believe in that junk?
+Well, whether or not the soul is physically real, Bart, it's the symbol of everything fine inside us.
+Poor gullible Lisa. I'll keep my crappy sponges, thanks.
+Bart, your soul is the only part of you that lasts forever. For five dollars, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years.
+Well, if you think he got such a good deal, I'll sell you my conscience for four-fifty.
+Aw, honey, you're not a monster.
+I'll throw in my sense of decency, too. It's a Bart sales event! Everything about me must go!
+Hey, boy. How ya doin'?
+Man, what's gotten into you?
+Geez. You're pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day.
+Stupid automatic door.
+Thank you, door.
+Ha! Some ice cream guy's gonna see that and it'll blow his mind.
+Let me try.
+Way to breathe, No-Breath.
+This is getting weird.
+Sanjay, to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay, to the entrance with the Windex.
+So come on. I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking.
+How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok?
+I like it!
+Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time.
+I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker!
+I like it!
+Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag?
+I hate it.
+Oh boy. The deep fryer's here.
+I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds.
+Forty seconds? But I want it now.
+I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.
+Hmmm... Pablo Neruda said laughter is the language of the soul.
+I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
+I think we should do a test.
+Nope. I don't feel a thing.
+That's creepy, Bart. I think you really did lose your soul.
+Nothing.
+Ow! Help me. Why isn't anybody, ow, helping me?
+Hi, is Milhouse home?
+He's playing in the dirt with his army men... oh, and a white piece of paper, I believe.
+Cover me, Sarge! I'm going after Bart's soul. If the Ayatollah can't have it, no one can!
+Ah, you know, Milhouse --
+Yeesss?
+Bet you're getting tired of that soul, huh?
+Nooooo.
+Suppose someone wanted to buy it from you?
+Oh, you want to buy it back, Bart? Sure. No problem...
+...Fifty bucks.
+Who's stupid now? Huh?
+If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lotta crazy crap on the walls, then come on down to "Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag."
+At Moe's, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking... deep fried to perfection.
+Now that's "Moe" like it. So bring the whole family - mom, dad, kids. Uh, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance. It's fun! And remember our guarantee: If I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me, Uncle Moe.
+COME TO UNCLE MOE'S FOR FAMILY FUN / IT'S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
+Mmm. Sounds good.
+Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.
+Mom, I need to tell you something. I kinda--
+Uh, uh, uh, let me guess. A mother can always tell. Hmm, it's not fear of nuclear war. Hmm, it's not swim test anxiety. It almost feels like you're missing something. Something important.
+BART SOLD HIS SOUL AND THAT'S JUST SWELL / NOW HE'S GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL-O OPERATOR, GIVE ME NUMBER NINE / AND IF YOU DISCONNECT ME, I'LL...
+No soul, huh? Don't worry. I'm still behind you.
+Haw-haw!
+Ahoy there, friends! Everybody find a first mate!
+Oh, I choose Martin!
+Wait! Wait for me!
+BART, IT'S TIME TO END THIS DREAM / AND DON'T FORGET THE STANDARD SCREAM.
+An alligator with sunglasses? Now I've seen everything!
+Hiya, folks! Welcome to Uncle Moe's! Aw, look at all the cute little minors.
+Wow, that's Moe! The guy from the ad!
+Right this way, Homer.
+And he knows my name.
+Street signs? Indoors?! Whatever.
+Rod, you order anything you want for your big ten-oh.
+Million Dollar Birthday Fries!
+Moe gets so excited when you order his Million Dollar Birthday Fries he just has to celebrate.
+Here ya go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank ya Ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am! While you eat!
+Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.
+How're the Southwestern Pizza Fingers?
+They're awesomely outrageous!
+Oooh. These look good. Guilt-Free Steakfish Filets.
+Nah, nah, nah. Let me level with you, Marge. That's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel. You don't want that.
+Why don't you try Moe's Hobo Chicken Chili? I start with the best part -- the neck. And then I add secret hobo spices.
+Ooo, tres bien.
+Hey, what the hell are ya doin', ya little freak --!
+I'm sorry, kid. Sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist's drill. But no, no, that was funny, that was funny, takin' away my dignity like that. Ha ha ha.
+I would like to say grace. Lord, have mercy on my soul, and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul, and let every soul in Christendom...
+I can't take this anymore. I want my soul and I want it now!
+Bart, you didn't finish your Spaghetti and Moe-Balls!
+Run, boy! Run!
+Run for your life!... ... Boy!
+Milhouse! Milhouse! You win! I want this nightmare to end!
+Leave this place. You are in great danger.
+Where's Milhouse?
+The one you call Milhouse is gone. He went to his Gramma's place while we're spraying for potato bugs.
+When Milhouse left, did you notice if he was carrying a piece of paper?
+Oh, yeah. You don't forget a thing like that.
+Aw, God.
+Here ya go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank ya Ma'am! This'll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am! While you eat!
+Yay! Now do it for Terri.
+What, it's your birthday, too?
+We're twins.
+Here ya go. Here I am. Eat your fries. Eat 'em.
+Here's you.
+Ah geez, and ya got the stink lines and everything.
+Uh, dude, you did not smile. We eat for free. Come on Shoshanna, let's roll.
+But I made you the potato stuffings! C'mon! I made you the potato stuffings.
+Look at the vein on that guy's forehead. He's gonna blow.
+Ser-vice!
+Unky Moe?
+What is it, sweetheart?
+My sodie is too cold -- my teef hurt.
+Aw, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! You hear me? I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' "sodie, too!"
+Ow! My "freakin'" ears!
+Oh, let's go, dear.
+Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here.
+Aw, come on folks! Wait! Please, come back! Please! I got a new offer! Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak... fish.
+Okay, okay. Milhouse's Grandmother lives on 257th Street, and I'm on Third.
+Well, finally, a little luck.
+Son, you wait here while daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict.
+Now slow down. Slow down.
+Who's been stealing your thoughts?
+... Curiosity shop... I have powers beyond your imagination...
+Hello, Ralph.
+Hi Bart. I know you from school.
+Yes. A simple proposition, Ralph: How would you like to make a dollar?
+Uh, I don't know.
+All you have to do is sign a paper that says I can have your soul. I need a soul, Ralph. Any soul. Yours.
+Hey. What's goin' on over there?!
+G'on, take it all. Get it all out of here.
+You know, Moe, you might want to keep the fire extinguishers.
+Nah. Too many bad memories.
+Well, look at the bright side, Moe. You still got us.
+Yeah. Yeah, you know, that actually makes me feel a little better.
+Why? That was the problem in the first place. You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place? That you were going broke... Moe?
+Moe? Hey, Moe? Oh, you're thinking about all the money you blew, aren'tcha?
+What was it? 50-60 thousand dollars? ... Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning... Moe?
+Let me get a pad....
+A caller at this hour? You dial 9-1, then when I say so, dial 1 again.
+Milhouse, please.
+Bart, I can't play now. It's two A.M.
+Milhouse, I gotta have my soul back. I'll do anything you want.
+Uh... well...
+Milhouse, give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow.
+I'm really sorry. I kinda traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look, I got some cool POGS.
+Alf POGS. Remember Alf? He's back in POG form.
+You traded my soul for POGS?! Noooo!!
+Oh, close that door. You're letting the heat out.
+Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
+If you are waiting for the "Hi & Lois" signing, it has been moved to the Springfield Coliseum.
+Please. You have something of mine on a little piece of paper.
+Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh?
+Okily dokily.
+Well, since my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I will be blunt. You're too late. I sold your soul last night. Yes, yes, I found a buyer right away for that item.
+I'm not at liberty to divulge the party, but they were most interested in having possession of a little boy's soul.
+Excuse me. No banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare "Mary Worth" in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide. Thank you.
+Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid too much attention in church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it. I just want it back. Please. I hope you can hear this...
+Lisa! You bought this?
+With the change in my piggy bank.
+There's no change in your piggy bank.
+Not in any of the ones you know about.
+Oh Lis, thank you.
+Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul -- that you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.
+Uh huh.
+Ah, it's like punting on the Thames.
+Are we there yet?
+Are we there yet?
+Are we there yet?
+Where are we going?
+We're going to Storytown Village, Grampa. It's an amusement park for babies.
+Just leave me in the car with the window open a crack.
+That's the plan.
+I think it's nice we're doing something Maggie will enjoy for once. Besides, I'm sure Storytown Village is also fun for everyone... from 8, to... God only knows.
+Come out, come out, or I'll blow your house in.
+Not by the hairs of our chinny-chinny-chin.
+What a load of crappy-crap-crap.
+Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down.
+This is where the wolf blows down the pigs' house!
+He blows all right. He blows big time.
+That's it, Honey. Get into the spirit.
+It was good, but not great.
+Somebody's been sleeping in MY bed.
+Somebody's been sleeping in MY bed.
+Somebody's been sleeping in MY bed.
+Well, I'm sorry, but it was 150 degrees in the car.
+So long, suck--
+Come on, eat the can. Come on.
+You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over there.
+Out of the way, you.
+Oh, you are so cute! Yes you are! You are! I just love you.
+See? It was a good idea to come here after all.
+Attention, families. This is Mother Goose. The following cars have been broken into...
+Hey Flanders!
+Hidilly ho, neighboreeno!
+Shut up.
+So, Ned, you're having a family reunion and you didn't invite me?
+Oh, gosh, Homer, this is strictly a Flanders affair. I've got family here from around the globe! Here's José Flanders...
+Buenas ding-dong-diddly-dias, señor.
+And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders...
+Charmed.
+Eh, a-googily-doogily.
+I can't believe you didn't invite me after I painted those cool stripes all over your car. I know! I'll throw my own barbecue - the greatest barbecue this town has ever seen! And I'll only invite who I want. That'll show ya.
+Can I come?
+This barbecue will be hard, thankless work, but I'm sure you're up to it, Marge.
+Well, it could be a good chance to get to know our neighbors outside of a courtroom setting.
+You know what you should serve, Marge? More of these lamb chops. These are the best ever.
+Why thank you, Homie. You might say the extra ingredient is salt.
+Please, Lisa. I thought you lo-o-o-ved me. Lo-o-o-ved me!
+What's wrong Lisa? Didn't you get enough lamb chops?
+I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb!
+Lisa, get a hold of yourself. This is LAMB... not A lamb.
+What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me?
+This one spent two hours in the broiler.
+Bart, sensible bites! All right Lisa. If you don't want lamb chops, there's lots of other things I can make: chicken breast, rump roast, hot dogs...
+No, I can't! I can't eat any of them!
+Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa, honey -- are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
+Pork chops?
+Dad... those all come from the same animal.
+Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, MAGICAL animal.
+I think Lisa's right, dad. Eating meat is ba-a-a-ad.
+Hey, that's my chop!
+Oh, my family just doesn't understand my newfound vegetarianism.
+Compared to them, the public schools are a haven of enlightenment.
+Okay class, time to dissect our worms.
+First, pin them down so they don't fly up and hit you in the eye.
+Ah, Ms. Hoover?
+Yes, Ralph? What is it?
+My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have a new one?
+No Ralph. There aren't any more. Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
+Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.
+Lisa, what did I ever do to yo-o-o-ou?
+Why does it talk like a lamb?
+Ah... Miss Hoover? I don't think I can dissect an animal. I think it's wrong.
+Okay, Lisa. I respect your moral objection.
+Ah, excuse me? Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it?
+Possibly the meat loaf.
+Well I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative.
+Mmmm. It's rich in bunly goodness.
+Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?
+Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are over stimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
+I warned ya -- Didn't I warn ya? -- That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.
+I never realized before, but some Itchy and Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.
+Say what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa. They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff, you know, like people getting hurt and stuff. Stuff like that.
+Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printer's.
+Come to Homer's BBBQ. The Extra B is for BYOBB.
+What's that extra b for?
+That's a typo.
+Dad, can't you have some other kind of party? One where you don't serve meat?
+But all normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo, Goober! Where's the meat?" I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
+YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SAL-AD / YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SAL-AD...
+YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SAL-AD / YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SAL-AD / YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SAL-AD / YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SAL-AD...
+YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SAL-AD / YOU DON'T WIN FRIENDS WITH SAL-AD...
+I didn't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.
+Good morning class. A certain agitator -- for privacy's sake let's call her Lisa S. -- No, that's too obvious. Uh, let's say L. Simpson -- has raised questions about certain school policies. So in the interest of creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.
+Nothing beats a stroll in cattle country.
+Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative FUN!" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer."
+Mr. McClure?
+Oh, hello, Bobby.
+Jimmy. I'm curious as to how meat gets from the ranch to my stomach.
+Huh? / What? / Gazpacho? / Etc.
+It's tomato soup served ice cold!
+Whoa, whoa, whoa -- slow down, Jimmy! You just asked a mouthful. It all starts here in the high-density feed lot. Then when the cattle are just right...it's time for them to "graduate" from "Bovine University."
+C'mon, Jimmy. Let's take a peek at the killing floor.
+Don't let the name throw you, Jimmy. It's not really a floor. It's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.
+Gettin' hungry, Jimmy?
+Ahh, Mr. McClure? I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
+No, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the "food chain."
+Just ask this scientician.
+Uhhh --
+He'll tell you that in nature, one creature invariably eats another to survive.
+Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.
+Wow, Mr. McClure, I was a Grade-A moron to ever question eating meat.
+Yes you were, Jimmy. Yes you were.
+You're hurting me.
+They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe!
+Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourselves to this tripe.
+Stop it! Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda?
+Apparently my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.
+Yeah. Lisa's a Grade-A moron.
+When I grow up I'm going to Bovine University.
+Hey, Homer. Thanks for inviting me to your barbecue.
+Wow, Barney! You brought a whole beer keg.
+Yeah. Where can I fill it up?
+Wait Dad! Good news, everyone! You don't have to eat meat. I made enough Gazpacho for all!
+Go back to Russia!
+Ahh. Diagnosis: delicious.
+I've got the prescription for you, doctor: another hot beef injection.
+Hey Homer, wing me another one of them burgers, would ya? I can't quite seem to stand up under my own power anymore.
+One whopper for the copper.
+Can I have a burger, dad?
+Here ya go!
+It's bad enough they're all eating meat. They don't have to rub it in my face.
+Okay, everybody. It's the moment you've all been waiting for! The pig de résistance!
+Look at his nose!
+Congratulations, Homer. Your Q is a huge success. A toast to the host who can boast the most roast.
+Thanks Flanders. I have to agree that everything certainly... huh?
+Bart, no!
+Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, no!
+It's just a little dirty -- It's still good! It's still good!
+It's just a little slimy! It's still good! It's still good!
+It's just a little airborne! It's still good! It's still good!
+It's gone.
+I know.
+You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!
+Will you be donating that million dollars now, Sir?
+No, I'd still prefer not.
+Give it up, dad. Piggy ain't comin' back.
+Lisa, you ruined my barbecue. I demand you apologize this second!
+Oh, then you must think I'm a monster.
+I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for a just cause and you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room.
+That's it! Go to your room!
+Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
+Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
+Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
+You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
+Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
+Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
+Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
+Homer, you're not not talking to me. And secondly, I heard what you said.
+Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
+Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
+Bart, go to your room!
+Why don't you just eat him, Dad.
+I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking know-nothing know-it-all.
+That's it. I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I am out of here.
+That's it. Go to your room.
+Look, it's Mrs. Potato Head!
+She has a head made out of lettuce.
+I can't believe I used to go out with you.
+Are you gonna marry a carrot, Lisa?
+Yes. I'm gonna marry a carrot.
+She admitted it! / She admitted she's gonna marry a carrot! / I can't believe it!
+The whole world wants me to eat meat. I can't fight it anymore.
+THERE! IS EVERYBODY HAPPY NOW?!
+I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs.
+No, I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.
+Oh, yes. No meat whatsoever, and only thrice the fat of a normal hot dog. I made the switch and nobody noticed.
+But why, Apu?
+Because I'm a vegetarian. Haven't you ever seen my T-shirt?
+That's cute.
+Yeah. Let me show you something, Lisa.
+Wow, a secret staircase? But what do you do if somebody wants a non-alcoholic beer?
+You know, it's never come up.
+Oh, Apu! It's beautiful!
+Yes, this is where I come when I need some refuge from the modern world. Or when I want to see drive-in movies for free.
+I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa.
+That's why I ran away from home.
+What? She's leaving home?
+Wow, Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. But where's your wife, Linda?
+Right here, Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade.
+We met him in India years ago during the Maharishi days.
+Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle.
+Sure you were, Apu.
+You know what, Lisa, Paul and Linda are vegetarians too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrees.
+Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is...
+We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you find a big hunk of pork in 'em.
+Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.
+When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains, and cheese?
+Cheese?!
+You don't eat cheese, Apu?
+Yes, indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them always. It's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live."
+Actually, it was "Live and Let Die."
+Well, whatever, whatever. It had a good rhythm.
+I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people. Especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.
+Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song?
+Wow, that'd be great!
+Okay. Take it Apu.
+I'm Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Man... I hope I will enjoy my show...
+Lisa! Lisa!
+Lisa! Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am!
+Hi, Dad. Looking for me?
+I dunno. Were you looking for me?
+Oh, Lisa, I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong, but I know it's always my fault.
+Actually Dad, this time I was wrong...
+...too.
+While I was gone, I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney.
+Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?
+I still stand by my beliefs, but I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbecue.
+I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.
+C'mon, I'll give you a piggy-back ride, oops, I mean a veggie-back ride home.
+Ah, the Miracle Mile -- where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye. It truly is a miracle.
+There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in "fat Southern sheriffs!"
+I want a colossal donut. Just like the one on the sign.
+That's false advertising! Lard Lad lied!
+Sorry, sir. No refunds.
+I paid for a colossal donut, and I'm gonna get a colossal donut.
+You don't scare us!
+Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen Belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken.
+Eggheads. What do they know?
+Hee hee hee. I've got your donut, Lard Lad! And what are you gonna do about it?
+Homer! Where did you get that?
+Get what?
+That giant donut.
+Well... I acquired it legally, you can be sure of that.
+Beer me, dude! / Party on, Tex! / Yeah, let's party, baby!
+Fellas, where are you going at this hour?! Hey, don't scratch up them heads!
+Good morning, everybody. Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign. But what new product could justify such carnage? ...A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department like so many others--
+Whoa! Another acid flashback! Man, I'd hate to be driving a bus right now.
+Aw, they're not so tough.
+Ah, Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
+Uh, yeah... Well, he was turning into a monster, though.
+What are you waitin' for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna.
+I agree. Destroy the school.
+Hello? Yes? Oh! Uh... if you're looking for that big donut of yours... uh... Flanders has it. Just smash open his house.
+He came to life. Good for him.
+Help me! Help me, Lord!
+I told you: Flanders has it. Or Moe! Go kill Moe.
+Homer! Just give him the donut. Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror.
+Well... okay. If it'll end horror.
+Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
+Sometimes.
+These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on.
+Hey, what's that in his footprint?
+Hmmmmm.
+If your advertising agency created all those giant characters, you must know how to stop them.
+Well, sir, advertising is a funny thing. If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away.
+Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef?
+Exactly. If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers.
+But people can't help looking at them. They're wrecking the town.
+You know, maybe a jingle would help.
+Don't watch the... ... don't watch the.... ... monstersssss. It'll sound a lot better comin' outta Paul Anka.
+Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of monsteritis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka...
+Our next budget item: Twelve dollars for doorknob repair.
+TO STOP THOSE MONSTERS 1-2-3 / HERE'S A FRESH NEW WAY THAT'S TROUBLE FREE / IT'S GOT PAUL ANKA'S GUARANTEE /
+GUARANTEE VOID IN TENNESSEE.
+JUST DON'T LOOK! / JUST DON'T LOOK!
+JUST DON'T LOOK! / JUST DON'T LOOK!
+Just don't look! / Just don't look!
+It worked! They're all dead!
+Well, except for Chubsy-Ubsy over there.
+Mmmm.... sprinkles.
+Homer, stop looking!
+Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad.
+Here comes something!
+Remember the story. We're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital.
+Shazbot.
+Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock your doors. Bar your windows. Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.
+We'll be right back.
+Okay boy. Catch the Frisbee.
+Good catch, boy.
+Thanks, Bart.
+Oh, hard luck.
+Glad to rake your acquaintance.
+It was only a dream.
+Bart?! Is that you?
+Take out the garbage.
+...And then he raked me across the chest. And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared -- Groundskeeper Willie.
+Oh my God! Bart, Groundskeeper Willie was in my nightmare, too! But he got me with hedge-clippers!
+He ran his floor-buffer over me!
+Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared... Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
+Remember, class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets, so don't knock yourselves out. You have three hours to complete--
+Finished!
+Then put your head down on your desk and sit quietly.
+Aah, a duet of pleasures!
+I am the Wondrous Wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma!
+Ha ha! Morire: To die. Morit: He, she, or it dies.
+Moris: You die.
+Ye've mastered a dead tongue, but can ye handle a live one?
+Aagh! Aaaaaaugh!
+Haw haw!
+Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see him.
+Oh, just get it out of here!
+Not into the kindergarten!
+Mom, Dad -- Martin died at school today!
+I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie.
+Um... We didn't mention Groundskeeper Willie, Mom.
+Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.
+It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
+Lousy Smarch weather.
+"Do not touch Willie." Good advice.
+...Recharge fire extinguishers. This is a free service of the fire department.
+Help! Please help me!
+Willie, please, Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
+I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance, so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.
+Ye'll pay for this with yer children's blood!
+Oh, right. How ya gonna get 'em? "Skeleton power"?
+I'll strike where ye kinna protect them -- in their dreams!
+Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep we could die!
+Welcome to my world!
+...On this edition of Asian Market Wrap-Up.
+There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. Its name? Medium- Term Convertible Debentures. With rates fluctuating as wildly as 1/4 of a percent per day...
+It's no use, Bart. We can't stay up forever.
+You're right. The only thing left to do is to go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown. You stay awake, and if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up.
+Okay, but promise you won't be grouchy.
+Come on, Willie. I know you're out there.
+The sandbox!
+Hey Lawn-Boy! You missed a spot!
+When I'm done with ye, they'll have to do a compost-mortem!
+Ach! Sinky-sand!
+Willie's gone for good. Now I can get back to my normal dreams: me and Krusty winning the Superbowl.
+Here's the tricky part...
+Bart, there's two seconds left! Now listen up. It's your basic Statue of Liberty play -- with one twist -- you throw it to me. Knute Rockne called it the forward pass. Now the clock's still running so it's important we start this play as quickly as possible.
+Oh, boy. Don't dream about me no more, kid.
+Help! Lisa, help!
+Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up!
+Wait a minute... If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too!
+I'm not asleep, I'm just resting my eye-- uh oh.
+Good-bye, Bart!
+Good-bye Lis. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes.
+You saved us, Maggie!
+I don't know, Bart. Something tells me Willie's still out there, and that he could come back any time in any form and kill us in ways we can't even imagine.
+Stop! I left my gun on the seat!
+Wait here, please.
+Aw, geez!
+Homer? Get ready. Patty and Selma will be here any minute.
+Oh, no. Better ride this one out in the closet.
+Sorry, dad. This is our spot.
+Oh yeah? Well it's my house, so it's my spot.
+Nuh-uh, 'cause we called it.
+Did not.
+Well, we're calling it now.
+You are?
+'Fraid so.
+They got me with their legal mumbo-jumbo.
+Just a second!
+Huh? I never looked behind this whatchamacallit case before.
+Do you see a light, Homer?
+That's weird. It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
+How's it hangin', Marge?
+Ugh. I'm baking like a meatloaf under this wet wool.
+Uh, may I take your coat, Aunt Selma?
+Um, I would also like to take your coat.
+Have we got a family activity for you! A pillowcase full of seashells from our trip to Sulfur Bay.
+You're gonna help us clean and organize 'em. And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver.
+I'll take my chances in the mystery wall.
+Holy macaroni!
+Hey! You can just suck 'em out!
+Hello? Can anybody hear me?
+Homer? Where are you?
+I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
+Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
+Just a second... No, it's a place I've never been before.
+Ah, the shower!
+I don't want to alarm you, Marge...
+But I seem to be trapped in here.
+We better call Ned. He has a ladder.
+What's going on here? I'm so bulgy...
+My stomach sticks way out in front and my...
+Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack -- I'm stumped.
+Hunh. It's like he just disappeared into fat air.
+Hey, shut up!
+Mmm... Unprocessed fish sticks.
+Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. Better make the most of it.
+Ow! Watch it, coney.
+Move into the light, my son.
+Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?
+Um, it's like, ahm... did anyone see the movie "Tron"?
+Yes. I mean no. No.
+Well, where's my dad?
+Well, that should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual -- who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology -- that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... the Third Dimension.
+Here is an ordinary square...
+Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Egghead!
+But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical Z axis there.
+This forms a three-dimensional object known as a "cube" or a "Frinkahedron", in honor of its discoverer .
+Help me! Are you helping me, or are you going on and on?
+Oh, right, and of course, within we find the doomed individual.
+Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action!
+Take that, you lousy dimension!
+Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy.
+I'll save Homer. All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.
+No, Pops, it's too risky. For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large...
+Help! I don't have much time!
+That does it. I'm going in.
+Bart, no!
+Cool, man!
+I'm gonna be sucked into the black hole!... I'm gonna be sucked into oblivion!... I'm gonna be nothing and what's gonna become of me on the other side?! I don't know...
+I'll save you, Dad.
+Oh, I can't get any closer! You'll have to jump!
+Piece of cake, son!
+Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!
+Bart, what happened?!
+Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sorta collapsed on itself... but dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
+Craaaaaaaaaap!
+Oh, Homie...
+Be strong, Marge. I'm sure he's gone to a better place.
+Eww. This is the worst place yet.
+Omigod...
+Ooh, erotic cakes!
+C'mon, Simpson! Open up! We know you're in there!
+Hmm... That one!
+Someone's in here.
+Nooo! Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!
+Boy, I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.
+One, two, three, four! Up, down, three, four...
+This new exercise program is great!
+Yeah. Every muscle in my body's gettin' a workout. Especially my big fat mouth.
+Yeah! Especially your big fat... Oh, wait.
+Raise your right hock. Aerate! Raise your left hock. Aerate! I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!
+Actually, Homer, that's just one. See, each push-up includes both an "up" part and a "down" part.
+Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
+Aw, he's at home on disability.
+Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. Pfft. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
+Stupidity, eh?
+Must hurt self. Must hurt self. Must hurt self.
+Hmm, probably better that didn't hit me.
+May I help you?
+Um, could you give me a little push in the opposite direction?
+Thank you.
+Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? No. Lumber Lung? No. Juggler's Despair? No. Achy-Breaky Pelvis? No. Oh, I'm never gonna be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy!
+Hey, wait... "Hyper-Obesity." "If you weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled."
+You can do it, old boy!
+Yes I can.
+Yes, yes. That's the spirit!
+If you gain 61 pounds, they'll let you work at home?
+Yuh-huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program! No more traffic! No more blood drives or charity walks!
+Dad, I know we don't do a lot together, but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of.
+I must protest. You're abusing a program intended to help the unfortunate.
+I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey. But try to see it my way. All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.
+Have you told mom about this?
+No. It would only worry her. If you want to add to her worries, go ahead. I guess I'm just a little more grateful for all she's done for us.
+Yes, sweetheart?
+Obesity is really unhealthy. Any doctor will tell you that.
+Oh yeah? Well, we'll just see about that, Little Miss Smart Guy.
+My God, that's monstrous... I've never heard of anything so neglige-- I'll have no part of it.
+Can you recommend a doctor who will?
+Hi, everybody!
+Hi, Doctor Nick!
+Now there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow, steady gorging process, combined with assal horizontology.
+Of course.
+You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the whipped group, the congealed group, and the choc-o-tastic.
+What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
+Be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
+You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
+Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?
+And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper.
+If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.
+Bye-bye, everybody!
+Oh, it's a dream come true, boy! I can, nay, I must, eat everything I've always wanted. Now c'mon! Every second I'm out of bed, I'm burning precious calories. Now get grabbin'!
+Eat around the banana, Dad, it's just empty vitamins.
+Lucky for you, this stuff doesn't work.
+I don't know... fish sandwich? Are you sure?
+Oh, two-twenty-five?! That means I lost weight!
+Homer, you're... um... on the towel rack.
+Woo hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true: Working at home...
+Here's your lemonade and here's your beer.
+Oh, you're such a vigorous young go-getter. When's your next coffee break?
+Any time I want.
+Hey, Flanders, bad day at the rat races?
+Yeah. A crazy guy shot a bunch of people and the subway ran over my hat.
+Hey, Lis, come look at this.
+Hello, honey.
+Hi. Ah, er, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Did you put on a little weight this week?
+I was going to surprise you, but what the heck -- Honey, I'm purposely gaining sixty-one pounds to get on disability.
+Have you lost your mind?! Have you thought about your health?... Or your appearance?
+So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I didn't know you were so shallow.
+Oh please, I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds but--
+Beautiful. G'night.
+I've got fifteen minutes to gain a pound or I gotta face another day at work.
+Bad news, Dad, we're out of food. We're even out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the soy sauce.
+I need a miracle.
+Oh, honey, that looks just like a real donut...
+Dad? It says "Non-Toxic."
+Well, that's a plus.
+Woo hoo hoo hoo! I did it!
+Ah, Dad? Towel rack...?
+Oops, no time for that now -- the computer's starting.
+I am pleased to dedicate this remote work terminal. It will allow our safety inspector here to perform his duties from home. And so, excelsior to you, Mr. What's the name of this gastropod?
+Simpson, Sir. One of your chair-moisteners from Sector Seven-G.
+... Yes, Simpson.
+Thank you for your pity.
+Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
+Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as he finds something good on TV. But this season...
+I'm looking for something loose and billowy. Something comfortable for my first day of work.
+Work, huh? Let me guess: Computer programmer? Computer magazine columnist? Something with computers.
+Well, I use a computer!
+What's the connection? Must be the non-stop sitting and snacking. Well, sir, many of our clients find pants confining. So we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman: ponchos, muu-muus, capes, jumpsuits, uni-sheets, muslin body rolls, academic and judicial robes...
+I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muu-muu.
+Arnie Pie in the Sky with the morning commute! Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets! Due to a fire at the Army Testing Lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the Expressway! Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable!
+I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas-brake-honk. Gas-brake-honk. Honk-honk-punch. Gas-gas-gas.
+Eight fifty-eight. First time I've ever been early for work. Except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.
+"To start, press any key." Where's the "any" key?
+I see essc, ctarl, and pig-up. There doesn't seem to be any "any" key. All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab.
+"Check core temperature? Yes-slash-No." Yes.
+"Core temperature normal." Not too shabby. "Vent radioactive gas?" N-O.
+"Venting prevents explo-si-on." This is hard. Where's my Tab? Okay then -- yes. Vent the stupid gas.
+Aw no, the corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.
+Bart and Lisa have to go to school while I get to stay home. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.
+I like school.
+Well, why don't you live in it then?
+I would if I could.
+Not me, sister. When I grow up I wanna be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad.
+I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
+Eww! Mo-om!
+This whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to dad?
+I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency.
+Well, maybe you'll have to hurt his feelings. The longer he lives like this, the harder it'll be to go back.
+You're right. Maybe if I use my least nagging tone of voice. Homer? Homer! Homer! That's it. That's the one. All right, send him on in.
+Yes, honey?
+Umm... Mom just baked a cake.
+Homer, we need to have a serious talk.
+You dragged me all the way from work for that?
+Let's quietly and calmly discuss the pros and cons of your controversial plan, shall we?
+Con: You're endangering your health.
+Pro: I'm drought and famine resistant.
+Con: You're setting a bad example for the children.
+Pro: I, uh... don't have to go to work.
+Con: You're running the air conditioner non-stop. It's freezing in here.
+Pro: Uhh... uhh... I love you?
+Con: I am finding myself less attracted to you physically.
+Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of, right here.
+And nobody's gonna take it away from me! You never had faith in me before. But let me tell you, the slim, lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo. And where's that cake?
+There's no cake.
+"Vent radioactive gas?..." Y-E-S.
+"Sound alertness horn?" Y-E-S.
+"Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, gimme a Y. Gimme a--
+Hey, all I have to type is "Y."
+Hey, Miss Doesn't-Find-Me-Attractive Sexually-Anymore. I just tripled my productivity.
+Good. Good for you.
+Y... Y... Y... Let's see, so many letters to choose from. I'll pick Y.
+Y, Y... What the heck are you doing over there?
+There. There. You found the floor.
+YYY... Y... Y... Y...
+I'm going out. I run errands during the day.
+Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer--
+The mail! The mail is here!
+Oooo! "An Urgent Plea From Edward James Olmos!" "Lisa Simpson: Can you afford to miss another issue of The Utne Reader?" Kids.
+Free sample of fabric softener? Woo hoo!
+Hmmm, I can feel three kinds of softness.
+Dad, what are you doing down there?
+Washing my fat guy hat, honey.
+We now return to "Search for the Sun."
+According to Daddy's will, I inherit the entire plantation.
+I'll see to it you don't get apricot one.
+Uh... What's your dad's job again?
+He's a Nuclear Safety Technician.
+What's he doin' with that broom?
+What isn't he doing?
+I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman.
+Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad. He's a sweet man and he has real feelings.
+Hey, what are you kids looking at?
+Hey, look. He's trying to get up to yell at us.
+Don't make me close the shade!
+Hey, Homer, you promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress outside.
+Nuts to that. I'm going to the movies.
+Shouldn't you be working?
+I got someone to cover for me.
+One for "Honk," please.
+Uh... Gee...Uh... Just a minute. I have to check with the manager.
+I'm terribly sorry, sir. But I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.
+What are you talking about?
+Well, what I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.
+I could sit in the aisle.
+I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
+Hey, Fatty! I got a movie for ya -- "A Fridge Too Far."
+Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here to see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace.
+Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
+Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food-crazed maniac.
+Oh, that's raspberry.
+This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food! I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard-working as everybody else. And they're gonna make their voices heard! All they need is a leader!
+I'll work harder than ever before, and show the world overweight people aren't undisciplined, lazy, and irresponsible! What happened to my bird?
+Marge?... Lisa?... Flanders?...
+Explosion imminent?!
+Omigod, the plant's gonna explode!
+Hey, that thing's going kah-kah koo-koo.
+Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
+Wait, I know! "Vent Gas."
+Pressure too high?
+"Tank must be shut down manually?!" Stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! Why you...
+Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault.
+Shut up!
+I gotta call the plant and warn them!
+The fingers you have used to dial... are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
+I'm gonna have to shut it down myself. Fat, don't fail me now.
+The ice cream man!
+Take anything you want, man. Take it all.
+Push out the jive... Bring in the love...
+I heard your dad went into a restaurant, and ate everything in the restaurant, and they had to close the restaurant.
+Yay! Ice cream man!
+Workers, please! There'll be time for the frozen pudding wagon later! You still owe me ten more Iroquois twists!
+Ten hi-ya-ya! And nine hi-ya-ya..!
+Get away, dammit! Run for your lives!
+I'll take a rocket pop.
+What can I get for thirty cents?
+Let go! I gotta get to the tank!
+Heck! I can't decide without the pictures.
+... Six hi-ya-ya..!
+... Four hi-ya-ya..!
+... Three hi-ya-ya..!
+... Two hi-ya-ya..!
+Stupid switch! I wish I had my reaching-broom!
+... One hi-ya-ya!
+Wait a minute! There's probably a --
+Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three-Mile Island. Bravo!
+I'm so proud. That's my husband wedged in that hatch.
+I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
+And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic ga--
+We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you decontaminated.
+Thank you, Mr. Burns. It was pretty scary up there. But... For a while I feared for my life.
+Now Homer, if there's anything else I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.
+Mr. Burns... Can you make me thin again?
+I guarantee it.
+One... One... One...
+Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.
+Woo hoo!
+Here's your caption, boys: "Local Hero shuns spotlight and pitches in!"
+What an angle!
+I can't believe I'm spending my Saturday picking up garbage. I mean, half these bottles ain't even mine.
+Let's have less conversation and more sanitation.
+Hey, where's Homer? How'd he get out of this?
+Hey everybody! Up here!
+Simpson, stop frolicking and get to work!
+Right away, Mr. Smithers! I'll just walk across these slippery rooooock --
+Oh, no! He's going over the falls!
+Oh, good! He snagged that tree branch!
+Oh no! The branch broke off!
+Oh good! He can grab onto them pointy rocks!
+Oh no! The rocks broke his arms and legs!
+Oh good! Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him!
+Oh no! They're biting him! And stealing his pants!
+Good lord! He'll be sucked into the turbine!
+Smithers, who was that corpse?
+Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7G. I'll cross him off the list.
+That dummy worked like a charm, Dad.
+Best six hundred bucks I ever spent. C'mon, boy. We've earned this Saturday, now let's make the most of it.
+Sixty-one... Sixty-two... Sixty-three...
+Marge, we can't tell you how sorry we are.
+You have our deepest condol-diddly-olences. I'm sorry. I'm just nervous, I didn't mean any disrespect.
+What are you talking about?
+You know...
+Homer's passing...away.
+Into death.
+Abe, isn't Homer cute?
+That's ridiculous. Homer's not dead, he's right out back in the hammock.
+Oh, Marge. Of course Homer's alive. He's alive in all our hearts.
+Yes, Marge, I can see him.
+Hi, everybody.
+Marge, I'm going to give you the card of our juvenile counselor...
+A tombstone?!
+It came with the burial plot. But that's not important. The important thing is, Homer's dead.
+We've been saving for this since your wedding day.
+Get out of here, you ghouls!
+Oy, yoy yoy yoy yoy.
+Uh, excuse me, sir, I think there's been a mistake.
+Oh, no mistake. Your electricity is in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off until you get a job or a generator. Oh, and uh, my deepest sympathies.
+That's m'name.
+When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me "no." You go downtown first thing in the morning and straighten this out.
+Mom! Dad! Bart ran into a door frame and bit his tongue!
+Whuth va hell ith going on heah?!
+Listen here. My name is Homer J. Simpson. You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not. Now I want you to straighten this out without a lot of your bureaucratic red tape and mumbo-jumbo.
+Okay, Mr. Simpson, I'll just make the change here ...and you're all set.
+I don't like your attitude, you water-cooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file, anyway? I have a right to read it.
+You sure do.
+"Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa..." Aha! See, this thing is all screwed up. Who the heck is "Margaret" Simpson?
+Uh, your youngest daughter.
+This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens or "Melrose Place."
+"Youngest daughter..." Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive. She died when I was a kid.
+You see that stone angel up there? That's my mother's grave. My Dad points it out every time we drive by.
+Mr. Simpson, maybe you should actually go up there.
+Oh, Mom. I'm sorry I never come to see you. I'm just not a cemetery person.
+"Here lies... Walt Whitman"?!!
+Damn you, Walt Whitman! I... hate... you... Walt... freakin'... Whitman! "Leaves of Grass" my ass! Wait a minute. Maybe it's that other grave. The one that says "Simpson."
+Why does my death keep comin' back to haunt me?!
+You awful, awful man. Get out of my son's grave.
+I hate to rain on your parade, lady, but this is my grave. Hey, wait a minute... Mom?
+I thought you were dead.
+I thought you were dead.
+Dang blasted! Isn't anybody in this dad-gummed cemetery dead?
+I didn't want to cause a fuss, but now that you mention it...
+Oh, Homer, you grew up so handsome.
+Some people say I look like Dan Aykroyd. I can't believe you're here. Dad always told me you died while I was at the movies.
+Oh, my poor baby. You must have been so upset... but I suppose Abe has his reasons.
+Yeah. Well, where have you been all this time?
+Oh, it's a very complicated story. Let's just enjoy this moment.
+Mom, there's something you should know about me. I almost always spoil the moment.
+I'm sorry.
+That's okay, darling. It wasn't your fault.
+Hey, everybody, I've got a big surprise for you! Presenting: my mother!
+Where have you been, Granny? Did they freeze you or something?
+Oh, my, such clever grandchildren. So full of questions and bright, shiny eyes.
+I don't know what to say. I finally have a mother-in-law. No more living vicariously through my girlfriends!
+Hey, since you were a no-show at all the big moments of my life, you owe me years of back presents: Christmases, birthdays, Easters, Kwaanzas, good report cards...at seventy-five bucks a pop, plus interest and penalties... You owe me twenty-two thousand dollars.
+I'll Kwaanza you!
+Homer, don't be so hard on little... What is his name?
+This is my room. This is my dresser. It's where I keep my shirts when I'm not wearing them.
+Oh, yes. Right in the drawers.
+You remembered.
+Oh, I've missed moments like this... Mom.
+I saw all your awards, Lisa. They're mighty impressive.
+Oh, I just keep them out to bug Bart.
+Don't be bashful. When I was your age, kids made fun of me because I read at the 9th grade level.
+Me, too!
+Hey, Mom, lookit me! Look at what I can do!
+I see you, Homer. That's very nice. Although I hardly consider "A Separate Peace" the 9th grade level.
+More like pre-school.
+I hate John Knowles.
+Me, too.
+Mo-om! You're not looking!
+You know, Lisa, I feel like I have an instant rapport with you.
+Oh, you didn't dumb it down! You said "rapport!"
+Gotta run... Gramma stuff.
+There. Now no one should be able to hear us.
+All right, we don't need the dryer.
+Just shut up and listen. There's something fishy about Grandma. Whenever we ask her where she's been all this time, she changes the subject. And just now when a police car drove by, she ran into the house.
+Yeah, I don't trust her either. When I was going through her purse, look what I found.
+Mona Simpson, Mona Stevens, Martha Stewart, Penelope Olsen, Muddy Mae Suggins...
+These are the calling cards of a con artist.
+Woo hoo! I'm so glad to have my mom back! I never realized how much I missed her.
+She's nice.
+I just don't think you should get too excited about the woman who abandoned you for twenty-five years. You could get hurt again.
+First, it wasn't 25 years. It was 27 years. And second, she had a very good reason.
+Which was?
+I 'unno. I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me.
+Oh, Homie. C'mon, you're a sweet, kind, loving man. I'm sure you were a wonderful son.
+Then why did she leave me?
+Let's find out.
+Mother Simpson, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your past.
+Can't reminisce, sleeping.
+Spill it, Muddy Mae, or we're calling the cops!
+Please don't.
+All right, then we'll call your husband: Grampa.
+Noooo! I'll talk. I'll tell you everything. I've wanted to tell you. It all started in the '60s...
+Oh, my little Homie-bear! Time for bed.
+GOOEY, GOOEY, RICH AND CHEWY INSIDE / GOLDEN, FLAKY, TENDER CAKE-Y OUTSIDE / WRAP THE INSIDE IN THE OUTSIDE / IS IT GOOD?
+It's the...
+Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it.
+Joe Willie Namath, swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted sartorium. The foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside. Appomattox, 1865...
+His wild, untamed facial hair revealed a new world of rebellion, of change. A world where doors were open for women like me. But Abe was stuck in his button-down plastic-fantastic Madison Avenue scene.
+Look at them sideburns. He looks like a girl. Now Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you can set your watch to.
+So, Mother Simpson, where did your new-found sense of irresponsibility take you?
+I soon found people who shared my views at the State College...
+Anthrax, gangrene, swimmer's ear! / Get your germ lab out of here!
+How could I not become a radical when we were fighting a force of pure evil?
+Hey! Hey! Mr. Burns! / Enough already with the germs!
+Their flower power is no match for my glower power.
+That's some nice glowering, Mr. B.
+We'd met the enemy and it was Montgomery Burns. Drastic action had to be taken to stop his war machine.
+I put Homer to bed, Abe. And now I'm going out. It could be a late night. I'm meeting my destiny.
+So long.
+When this baby goes off, Burns' lab is gonna be history, man. Germ history. Oh, man, I got the munchies.
+No!... No! Wait a minute. Bronchial tubes clearing... Asthma disappearing! Acne remains. But asthma disappearing!
+My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul! They never even had a chance! Whoever did this will never get past me!
+You poor man. Let me help you up.
+Diiieeee, Krusty!! Diii--
+You just made a very big mistake. You'll spend the rest of your life in pris--
+My asthma's gone! Listen to me breathe!
+From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over.
+Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified.
+She's been described as a woman in her early thirties, yellow complexion, and may be extremely helpful. For channel six news, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.
+I'll miss you, Homer.
+I thought I dreamed that kiss.
+I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family.
+How did you survive?
+Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry Rubin gave me a job marketing his line of health shakes. I proofread Bobby Seale's cookbook. And I ran credit checks at Tom Hayden's Porsche dealership.
+Wait a minute. There's one thing I don't understand. In all those years, why didn't you ever try to contact me?
+But I did. I sent you a care package every week.
+Oh, come on, Mom. We use that same line on the kids when they're at camp.
+But I did! I really did! I'll prove it to you.
+Any undelivered mail for Homer J. Simpson?
+No. Oh, wait. This.
+That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas.
+Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aero-mail. Am I too late for the 4:30 auto-gyro?
+I better look in the manual.
+Ach. The ignorance.
+Wait a minute, I know that woman. But from when and in what capacity?
+It's her! At last!
+This book must be out of date. I don't see Prussia, Siam, or Auto-Gyro.
+Keep looking.
+Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office?
+Absolutely. Who could forget such a monstrous visage?
+She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.
+Uh, sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.
+Of course you'd say that...
+You have the brain-pan of a stagecoach tilter.
+At any rate... The FBI will track down this mystery woman and put her behind bars.
+How does it happen, Joe?
+How does what happen?
+How does a sweet young lady mortgage her future for a bunch of scraggly ideals and greasy-haired promises?
+Maybe she thought the war in Southeast Asia was so immoral her end justified the means.
+Gee, Joe. You haven't been the same since your son went crazy in Vietnam.
+It's a pain that never ends.
+HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN / BEFORE YOU CAN CALL HIM A MAN?
+No, Dad, it's a rhetorical question.
+Rhetorical, eh? Eight.
+Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
+Do I know what "rhetorical" means?!
+Quick Gramma, hide!
+No door is gonna keep me from my meddlin'! Stand up straight, Bart.
+What the?! Now here's a piece of bad news.
+Oh, Abe... You've aged terribly.
+What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own...
+I had to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead.
+It was either that or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife and I'll never, ever forgive you. Can we have sex? Please?
+Oh, Abe.
+Well, I tried. What's for supper?
+I mighta seen her. It's hard to tell from this old picture, you know.
+Well, according to our computer aging program, she should look abouuut...
+Twenty-five years older.
+Yeah, I seen her! That is to say, I saw her.
+Look at me, Gramma, I'm a hippie! Peace, man! Groovy! Bomb VIetnam! Four more years! Up with people!
+You know, Gramma, I used to think maybe I was adopted. I couldn't understand how I fit into this family. Now that I met you, I suddenly make a lot of sense.
+Oh, I'm glad to see the spirit of the '60s is still alive in you kids.
+Yep, I saw her. That is to say I seen her. She seemed like a nice lady.
+Well, that "nice lady" set the cause of biological warfare back thirty years.
+We're only now finally caught up.
+Two more ladies come by earlier that day. One was real purty. T'other, sorta plain.
+Ma'am, we're going to need your assistance in locating this individual.
+Oh, you're fresh.
+Don't you want to play good cop/bad cop?
+Ma'am, we're all good cops.
+I had no intention of playing the good cop.
+Look, we know you bought the tombstone. We know the fugitive visited that tombstone. Whose tombstone was it?!
+Just lift up your coffee cups and see.
+Good lord!
+Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Better start with Greektown.
+That's Homer J. Simpson, Chief. You're reading it upside down.
+Ahh, cancel the APB. But bring back some of them gyros .
+Uh, Chief. You're talking into your wallet.
+Gramma, have you ever thought about moving back to Springfield?
+You could live with Grampa again.
+Oh, I'm a living joke.
+You know, Lisa, it might be nice to rest for a while.
+Mom, there's nothing to be alarmed about, but could you take one last look at the family and join me in the kitchen?
+I've been waiting twenty-five years for this moment.
+I'm sorry, sir. I must have taped over that.
+Freeze! FBI! The jig is up!
+All right, I admit it! I am the Lindbergh baby. Whaa whaa. Goo goo. I miss my fly-fly da-da.
+Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?
+A little from column A, a little from column B.
+Sir, she's gone!
+We made it, Homer!
+It's all thanks to our anonymous tipster. But who are you, and why did you tip us off?
+well, it's 'cause of your old lady that I got rid of the asthma that was keeping me out of the Academy.
+Thanks.
+Yeah, just think of me as an anonymous friend who rose through the ranks of the Springfield Police to become Chief Clancy Wig --
+Yak yak yak yak yak.
+Well, there's my ride. The underground awaits.
+At least this time I'm awake for your goodbye.
+Oh, Homer. Remember, whatever happens, you have a mother, and she's truly proud of you.
+Oh, hurry up, man. This electric van only has 20 minutes of juice left.
+Don't forget me.
+Don't worry, Homer. You'll always be a part of me.
+I'd like to thank everybody who contributed to Krusty's Kanned Food Drive. Your generous donations have made this our slipperiest, slimiest Slobstacle Course ever!
+Our contestants will drop out of my nose and blurp into a tub of refried beans. From there, they'll stumble down a sluice of rich, eggy bearnaise sauce. How can we afford it? It's rancid!
+And at the finish line -- a scrumptious parfait of pudding, pickle brine and detergent, where a writhing pile of kids will grope blindly for hot dogs.
+Krusty, please, it burns.
+Oh, just think, Lis, that's our pickle brine burning Sideshow Mel.
+That Sideshow Mel thinks he's so big. Whatever happened to Sideshow Bob?
+Don't you remember, dad?
+He framed Krusty. He tried to kill Aunt Selma. He rigged an election.
+And he tried to murder me.
+Oh, yeah... But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter. I wonder what he's doing now?
+Ahh, Westminster Abbey. Edward the Confessor himself could not have done better. Now to set the clocks to Greenwich Mean Time.
+My dear Abbey!
+THIS IS THE WAY WE MOP THE FLOOR / MOP THE FLOOR / MOP THE FLOOR / THIS IS THE WAY WE MOP THE FLOOR / ETC.
+Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal television?
+Oh, look who's talking!
+Yeah, Bob! You used to be on this show!
+Don't remind me! My foolish capering destroyed more young minds than syphilis and pinball combined! Oh, how I loathe that box. That omnidirectional sludge pump, droning and burping its--
+Look here, that's enough, now! I own 60% of that network!
+Alright, break it up, boys. It's time for work detail.
+I suppose you don't like tabloid newspapers either.
+There, that's the last condom wrapper.
+I renew my objection to this pointless endeavor. Informally now and by affidavit later... time permitting.
+Shut yer word-hole! We gotta get this place clean for the air show.
+Air show? Buzzcut Alabamians spewing colored smoke from their whiz-jets to the strains of "Rock You Like A Hurricane"? What kind of country-fried rube is still impressed by that?
+Wow! / Air show! / Cool! /
+I wanna meet the first female Stealth bomber pilot. During the Gulf War she destroyed seventy mosques and her name is Lisa, too!
+I wanna see some birds get sucked into the engines! Rare ones!
+This year, I'm making earplugs out of biscuit dough!
+They're ready.
+So weary.
+Grandma, this is my friend Craig.
+Friend? You mean you two aren't knockin' boots?!
+Ever do the backseat mambo, Craigy?
+I know that voice. TV's bottomless chum-bucket has claimed Vanessa Redgrave.
+Now I'm gonna haul ass to Lollapalooza!
+Yeeeee-haw!
+Farewell, dear 'Nessa.
+Hey you, the state's not paying you five cents an hour to stand around. Now get busy.
+Sweet dreams.
+Oh, I'll get busy. I'll get very busy indeed.
+You still got it, Bob.
+Way to guard the parking lot, Top Gun.
+I have three medals for this.
+Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who eats people and takes their faces?
+I'm right here, Chief!
+Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?
+Uh, he ran off.
+Oh, great. Well... if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death, okay?
+At this point in time, I would like to direct your attention to the particular air vehicle next to which I am currently standing. The Harrier jet is one of our more dollar-intensive ordnance delivery vectors.
+Five tires?! Am I seeing things?
+...And although it looks complicated, it is so well-designed even a child could fly it.
+Can I fly it?
+Of course you can not.
+Free Duff! Viva life!
+Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist will you?! Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!!
+Uh, Colonel, they're expecting you at the podium in ten minutes.
+What in the world according to Garp?! Those are my dress towels!
+Who's in my private washroom? McGuckett? Let me in!
+The door already is closed.
+What?! This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party!
+You say you're in the military?
+Sweet Enola Gay! Son, I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up!
+Corpse you up and mail you to Momma!!
+Well, where'd he go? Got my knuckles all lined up for nothin'. Sorry, ladies.
+Look at that hunk o' junk.
+You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' Plane! At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.
+So how do you know so much about American history?
+I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.
+Authorization code?
+Code?! Son, this is Colonel Hapablap. That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with a chammy. Triple-time!
+But, Colonel, I'm under strict orders to--
+Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a sn-- "snot party."
+Sir! Right away, Sir!
+They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes.
+Well, maybe my headache will go away once the show starts.
+Ladies and gentlemen, what a day for an air show. Not a cloud in the sky!
+Except, perhaps, a mushroom cloud...
+"To slip the surly bonds of Earth / And touch the face of God." "To Fly" -- The dream of man and flightless bird alike. And now, hold on tight as we blast through the thrilling highlights of aviation history!
+Say, did somebody say box-kites?
+The common box-kite was originally used as a means of drying wet string...
+'CAUSE WE CAN FLYYYYYYY / 'CAUSE WE CAN FLYYYYY-YYYY!
+Do they have to play that rock music?! Every note is pounding into my skull!
+Anybody out there feel the need for speed?
+Then get ready for the pride of the United States Air Force -- the British-made Harrier Jump Jet!
+Da-ad! Why aren't you looking?
+Heh, heh. Why jerk my neck around like a goon when Tyranno-Vision decides what I should look at?
+Oo, look, it's Maggie!
+Uh... Maggie?
+Sideshow Bob!
+Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things, but something's been troubling me lately: television. Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
+Surely he's not talking about VH-1!
+Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation... and scrimshaw. Thus, I submit to you: we abolish television. Permanently.
+Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
+Oh, and one more thing, I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television within two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.
+By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.
+Kids, everything's going to be okay! Don't panic! Just don't panic!
+Mom! Mom, you're stepping on my heels and knocking my shoes off!
+We can always get more shoes! MoveMoveMove!
+Stamp your hand for re-entry!
+Cool! I want to be around when those guns start going off!
+Bart, no!
+Wait!! Wait! My children are in there!
+You must be very proud, Ma'am.
+Thanks, Mom.
+Our city will not negotiate with terrorists! Is there a city nearby that will?
+No need, Sir. We'll find that headcase faster than Garfield finds lasagna. Oh. I'm sorry... My... my wife thought that was gangbusters.
+This elevator only goes to the basement. And someone made an awful mess down there!
+Watch out! He's got his probe!
+Bart! Bart! What are you doing?! We've got to get out of here!
+Target sighted. Launching air-to-nerd missile!
+Ow! C'mon, Mom and Dad are waiting!
+Bob is not here! We have searched every square inch of this base, and all we have found is porno, porno, porno!
+We only have twenty minutes left. Send in the esteemed representatives of television.
+Hey, hey! Now this is my kind of meeting!
+Gentlemen, it's time we face up to the un-face-up-to-able. We must sacrifice television in order to save the lives of our townspeople.
+Whoa, whoa, hoa, hoa, let's not go nuts. Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead.
+I appreciate your passion on behalf of your medium, but I'm afraid we're out of options. Television must go. May God have mercy on our souls.
+...And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you: the collapse of the Soviet Union, premium ice cream price wars, dogs that were mistakenly issued major credit cards and others who weren't so lucky. And so, farewell.
+Um, and, uh, don't forget to look for my new column in PC World magazine.
+Muchos gracias, amigos, por todas las memorias... Y super-gracias a Goya!
+Success! They're giving in! Blast, I should've made more demands. Some decent local marmalade, for one. Oh, well, next time.
+Ooo, sorry... We don't normally drive these in the Air Force.
+Agh! Not my Extendo-Glove! Oh, they haven't made those since the war! Not... oh, not my Paris backdrop! How'm I gonna make fun of the Frogs?
+Wait. If I could only stay on the air, I'd have a hundred percent of the audience. Think of the ratings.
+Okay, so we can't go over the fence.
+I feel so helpless. What if something happens to them?
+I'm sure they're fine, honey.
+Well, at least they're wearing clean underwear.
+Free 'n' easy, Lis. Ahh. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.
+Huh? Hurry up, Mom and Dad are probably worried sick.
+You know what really frosts my Kelvinator? That fruitcup's probably still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole.
+I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton than hear that guy's snooty, high-toned voice again, Sir.
+High-toned voice. Bart, that's it. I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding.
+When Bob broadcast that message, his voice was higher than normal. And what makes your voice high?
+Tight, binding underwear?
+Helium. Sideshow Bob is in the Duff Blimp!
+All Springfield trembles before the might of Sideshow Bob! Blasted helium. Shoo, shoo, shoo. Ahh, that's better.
+Gone... gone too... fabulous... marvelous...
+This is the Emergency Broadcast System. Stand by for an urgent bulletin.
+Hey hey!
+Krusty the Klown is back on the air! Eight -- no, no, twelve hours a day! The only game in town!
+Krusty?!! But how?!
+Comin' at ya live from the Civil Defense Shack in the remote Alkali Flats of the Springfield Badlands!
+I'll be beamin' out eleven watts of wackiness -- hour after hour of unscripted, unrehearsed comedy! Featuring... um... you know... uh...
+Professor Gas Can! And, uh, former President Ike Eisenhower!
+Let's get busy!
+Oh, my utopia lies in ruins! How naive of me to think a mere atom bomb could fell the chattering cyclops.
+Well, at least I'll have my revenge...
+Bob, no!!
+Don't you see? That would be taking the easy way out --
+I agree.
+"Best before November 1959." Dammit, Bob, there were plenty of brand new bombs, but you had to go for that retro Fifties charm.
+Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis Bart Simpson and his sister Lisa, to whom I'm fairly indifferent.
+So Krusty double-crossed you. But your basic plan was pure genius. Where do you get your ideas?
+Oh, please, let's not embarrass us both with that hoary old "stall the villain with flattery" scheme.
+I should've known you were too smart to fall for that.
+Really? What type of smart? Book smart? Because there are a lot of people who are book smart. But it takes a very special type of genius to--
+Alright, Bob, it's over! Come out with your hands up!
+No! How did they find me?!
+He's getting away!
+Aw, not the Harrier! We've got a war tomorrow.
+God bless the idiot-proof Air Force.
+They're gone!
+Hell, not the Wright Brothers' Plane! The Smithsonian's gonna have my ass on a platter!
+Daaadd! Hellllp!
+Hang on, boy! Daddy's comin' to save ya!
+Gotcha, ya TV-hatin' mutant!
+Sleep tight.
+Mom! I found Sideshow Bob's hide-out and I got a secret message to the police and I had a blimp fall on me and I was in an atomic blast but I'm okay now!
+Well, I wrecked the gate but you don't hear me bragging. Now let's roll.
+Ah, for the days when aviation was a gentlemen's pursuit. Back before every Joe Sweatsock could wedge himself behind a lunch tray and jet off to Raleigh-Durham.
+Are you getting a lot of bugs in your mouth, too?
+Prepare to engage enemy.
+Bogie's airspeed not sufficient for intercept. Suggest we get out and walk.
+Jump, boy! I gotcha!
+I'm comin'!
+Now you, boy!
+You can't escape, Bob! If the tennis rackets don't get you, the pool skimmers will.
+Oh, I never planned to escape. You see, this is a kamikaze mission. You and I are going to kill Krusty the clown.
+Kids, Itchy and Scratchy can't be here today, but instead, we've got the next best thing...
+It's the Sting-y and Battery Show! THEY BITE / AND LIGHT / AND BITE AND LIGHT AND BITE! BITE BITE BITE... YADDA YADDA YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT...
+But you can't kill Krusty. He made you what you are. Without him, you wouldn't even be called Sideshow.
+Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh-heh, heh-heh-- What the hell is that, a lawnmower?
+Yaaaah!!
+Get out of the way, Krusty!
+What is the freakin' holdup?
+Goodnight, Mom.
+What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob?!
+Oh, my little sugar-bug... I'm so glad you're safe...
+Mo-om! You're embarrassing me in front of the Army guys.
+How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic it could've spewed from the Powerbook of the laziest Hollywood hack...
+Hey, everybody! I'm gonna haul ass to Lollapalooza!
+Here we go again!
+...go again.
+Live from the Springfield Civic Auditorium, it's "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!"
+Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as "Alien Nose-Job" and "Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show."
+Tonight we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family. You'll see long-lost footage...never-before-seen material from your favorite episodes...old favorites you can't see in syndication...
+So join me, won't you, for "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular!"
+"The Simpsons" began as the brainchild of cartoonist Matt Groening,...the already-famous creator of such comics as "Damnation," "Johnny Reb," and "True Murder Stories".
+In nineteen eithty-seven, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers James L. Brooks...and Sam Simon.
+And what better place to premier their creation than on "The Tracey Ullman Show" -- the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers. On April 19th, 1987, America first met... the Simpsons.
+Well, goodnight, son.
+Um, Dad...
+What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses, or is it something tangible?
+Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
+Thanks, Dad.
+Good night, son.
+Goodnight, Lisa.
+I will, Mom.
+Don't let the bedbugs bite.
+Bedbugs?
+ROCKABYE BABY IN THE TREE TOP / WHEN THE WIND BLOWS / THE CRADLE WILL ROCK / WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS / THE CRADLE WILL FALL / AND DOWN WILL COME BABY, CRADLE AND ALL.
+Sweet dreams.
+We may be the best parents in the world.
+Goodnight, dear.
+Goodnight.
+All right, climb in.
+There's nothing to worry about. Now everyone go to sleep. Good night.
+They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons!
+Fresh chocolate chip cookies.
+Don't touch those yet. They're very, very hot.
+Aha! No one's around. The perfect crime.
+Do I smell cookies? Where's the cookies?
+They're all gone. The whole batch.
+Somebody ate those cookies.
+Did you eat the cookies, Maggie.
+I think she's trying to tell us something.
+Go on Maggie.
+Go on, Maggie. Go. Go.
+There's no perfect crime.
+I've got a great idea. Let's play Space Patrol.
+I'll be Lisui... the devil-may-care rocket pilot.
+Maggie can be Maggina, her spunky sidekick.
+...and you'll be Bartron, the evil robot from Mars, gone berserk.
+Do I understand you correctly, Bartron? Do you wish me to release you from the helmet of evil thoughts with my enchanted space wand?
+I will do it, Bartron. Who knows what mysterious forces will be unleashed?
+Oh no. Inside, the evil Bartron is a horrible mutant boy.
+We'll be safe here till Mom and Dad, the evil overlords gets home.
+As wacky as those kids were, they were no match for Captain Wacky -- later
+renamed "Homer."
+Wake up everybody! It's World War Three!
+Quick, down to the fallout shelter! The bombs are dropping!
+Eighteen seconds, hmph. If this were really a nuclear war, we'd all be dead meat by now. Say, you're all shivering. Are you cold or what?
+Bart! Bart! Time for your Sunday night bath, boy!
+Gotta hide.
+Bart! Where are ya, boy.
+There you go. Now that's not so bad, is it?
+Ahhhh. Welcome to ze exotic world of undersea explorer Bart Simpson.
+Come with Bart as he dive into the briny deep, searching for the wily and elusive wash cloth. Suddenly, without warning, the great Bart get more than he bargain for.
+Help! Help!
+Clean as a whistle, Homer!
+Maybe the drawings were a little crude, but all the characters were there: Itchy & Scratchy...Grampa Simpson...and Krusty the Klown!
+When we return: more classic moments and, for the first time on TV, our private reel of Simpsons outtakes -- including the alternate endings to "Who Shot Mr. Burns?"
+In the opening credits, what does the cash register say when Maggie is scanned?
+It says... "N.R.A. Forever!" Just one of the hundreds of radical right-wing messages inserted into every show by creator Matt Groening.
+Get outta my office!!
+Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?
+Over the six years "The Simpsons" has been on the air, we've received dozens of letters from fans wanting to know more about the show. Tonight we'll answer some of your questions. Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes, "I think Homer gets stupider every year." That's not a question, Professor. But we'll let the viewers judge for themselves.
+Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
+Okay, Mr. Burns. Uh, what's your first name?
+I don't know.
+Well Homer maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
+Oooh! Look at me, I'm making people happy. I'm the Magical Man from Happyland in a gum drop house on Lollipop Lane!
+Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
+Well, duh.
+Yabba dabba doo!
+SIMPSON, HOMER SIMPSON / HE'S THE GREATEST GUY IN HISTORY / FROM THE TOWN OF SPRINGFIELD / HE'S ABOUT TO HIT A CHESTNUT TREE
+Hey guys, look what I smuggled aboard.
+Homer, no!
+They'll clog the instruments!
+Careful, they're ruffled!
+I'll take care of this.
+SUBTITLE: PROTECT THE QUEEN!
+SUBTITLE: WHICH ONE'S THE QUEEN?
+SUBTITLE: I'M THE QUEEN.
+SUBTITLE: NO YOU'RE NOT.
+..."No TV and No Beer Make Homer..." something, something.
+Go crazy?
+Don't mind if I do.
+Doctor Linus Irvin of the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Institute writes, "How does Matt Groening find the time to write and draw an entire 'Simpsons' episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source.
+Of course, what Matt meant to say -- according to his attorneys -- is that he couldn't possibly do it alone. And he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone who makes "The Simpsons" possible.
+Ambassador Henry Mwabwetumba of the Ivory Coast writes, "What is the real deal with Mr. Burns' assistant, Smithers? You know what I'm talking about." Of course we do.
+...the preparations for your birthday have begun.
+I won't get what I really want
+No one does.
+Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers.
+People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
+Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
+Uh... if you did it, sir?...I'll - uh -print you out a copy.
+Thanks.
+Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.
+Um, you probably should ignore that.
+I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window?
+As you can see, the "real deal" with Waylon Smithers is that he's Mr. Burns' assistant.
+He's in his early 40's, is unmarried, and currently resides in Springfield. Thanks for writing! We'll be right back.
+Which popular "Simpsons" characters have died in the past year?
+If you said Bleeding Gums Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you are wrong. They were never popular.
+Right about now you're probably saying "Troy, I've seen every SimpsonS episode. You can't show me anything new". You've got some attitude, mister. Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes episodes run long and certain scenes never get aired. So fire up your VCR, because here for the first time ever are the cut-out classics.
+Oh. A soiled wig.
+When Krusty the Klown got cancelled, he tried everything to stay on the air. Here's what you didn't see...
+If you watch my show, I will send you this book featuring me in a variety of sexually explicit positions.
+It's not me! I used a stunt butt.
+Krusty, we're from the network. We have some bad news. I'm afraid your show's been cancelled.
+I thought this would happen. I just hope you replace me with something as educational and uplifting as I've tried to be.
+Actually, it's a hemorrhoid infomercial starring Claude Akins.
+Can I play Hemorrhoid Sufferer #1? Ooh... ooh, that hurts. Is there no relief?
+I don't think so.
+Well, how about one of the "after" guys? Ah... Ah, that's better. I can ride a bike again
+When Springfield legalized gambling, Homer became a blackjack dealer... and comedy was in the cards!
+Earlier this year, Homer's long-lost mother returned, and so did a long-lost care package...
+Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bont.
+I'll take a hit, dealer. Joker? You're supposed to take those out of the deck!
+Ooh, sorry. Here's another one.
+What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?"
+What a pity, Mr. Bont...
+But, but, It was Homer's fault! I didn't lose! I never lose!
+Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination...
+Oh, I'm not going to fall for that one again.
+Earlier this year, Homer's long lost mother returned, and so did a long-lost care package.
+Homer, please. You don't have to wolf down that twenty-five-year-old candy just to make me happy.
+The store is-a so rich, she'll-a never notice.
+But it won't make you unhappy, right? Hey! Space Food Sticks! Oh, I wish I had these on my space adventure! Did you know I was blasted into space two years ago, Mom?
+Oh, sure. I read all about it. I mean, it was national news. Do you still work for NASA?
+No, I work at the nuclear power plant.
+Oh, Homer.
+Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard. Actually, I'm bringing the plant down from the inside.
+When Homer sold his soul for a donut, he found out that Hell isn't all it's cracked up to be, in these never-before-broadcast scenes...
+Lawyers... lawyers. Ooh, Lionel Hutz. "Cases won in 30 minutes or your pizza's free."
+I'd sell my soul for a Formula One racing car!
+That can be arranged.
+Changed my mind. Sorry. Cool!
+Bart! Stop pestering Satan!
+Your honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property of Marge Simpson and not of the devil.
+Woo hoo! Ow!
+Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
+But we did win!
+That's okay. The box is empty.
+If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold! Let's watch some more of those fabulous "Simpsons" outtakes!
+Apu living with the Simpsons? It happened! And here's a scene you didn't see...
+I'm hoping you enjoy this movie. It made every Indian critic's top 400 list.
+LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE / I'M IN LOVE WITH LOVELY JOHNNY...
+Kuttay! Kaminay! Sooer kay batchay!
+This movie you rented sucks.
+No, let me try the cup and ball.
+No it doesn't, it's funny. Their clothes are different from my clothes. Look at what they're wearin'.
+A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son. Watch.
+Bart, you're coming home.
+I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns.
+I suggest you leave immediately.
+Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead, do your worst.
+My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
+C'mon big boy, shake the butter off those buns!
+C'mon, c'mon girls! Shake shake shake!
+Smithers, it's out of control.
+I'll take him out, sir.
+SHAKE, SHAKE SHAKE \ SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE \ SHAKE YOUR HINEY!
+His ass is gonna blow!
+This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery of "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" Then they found out it was the baby. To keep this bombshell secret, the producers animated several solutions that were never intended to air...
+And to keep the show's animators, editors, staff, and hangers-on from leaking the solution, two completely different endings were produced -- one real, one phony. Here's the ending you were never meant to see...
+The one who shot me was...
+Waylon Smithers!
+Nooo! Wait a minute. Yes.
+With the sun blocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world...
+So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth.
+I feel like celebrating.
+Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
+Get your own!!
+Smithers had thwarted my attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulance.
+Or so I thought. At the last moment, Smithers, drunk as a lemur, lurched out of the darkness and fired.
+That's right. Just before I'd shot Jasper. I was busy that night.
+Stricken I lurched forth in search of aide.
+But finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial.
+Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S. Waylon Smithers.
+Well, I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and you're recovered and we can all get back to normal.
+Not exactly. Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.
+But of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. And that would be downright nutty.
+Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see -- hard-core nudity!
+It's..."A Krusty Kinda Kristmas!" Brought to you by: I.L.G. -- "Selling your body's chemicals after you die," and by Li'l Sweetheart Cupcakes -- a subsidiary of I.L.G.
+Oh, hi! I didn't hear you come in. Welcome to my home.
+Say, did I hear some carolers?
+RUM-PA-PUM-PUM / RUM-PA-PUM-PUM / COME, THEY TOLD ME
+Hey, it's respected private citizen Tom Landry!
+And South American sensation...
+Shoo-shi-sha... Shoo... Sha... She... Shoo... Shoo, boy
+Now, stay tuned for a video Christmas card from Tupac Shakur!
+Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish...
+Morry Hasshass ana Offy Ew Ear.
+Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
+Bo-ring!
+Ya want excitement?! Shove this up yer stocking!!
+Hmm. That looks entertaining.
+Oh, yeah.
+So tell your folks: Buy me "BoneStorm" or go to hell!
+Buy me BoneStorm or go to hell!!
+Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please"...
+It's the coolest video game ever!
+I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including seventy dollars. And they're violent and they distract you from your schoolwork.
+Those are all good points, but the problem is they don't result in me getting the game.
+I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.
+Oh, I'll never get that game.
+Tuck-in time!
+ALL ABOARD THE SLEEPY TRAIN / TO VISIT MOTHER GOOSE / BARTY'S STOP IS SNOOZY LANE / TO REST HIS SWEET CABOOSE.
+Mo-om, I'm not a little kid anymore. Tuck-in Time is lame.
+Well, if loving my kids is "lame," then I guess I'm just a big lame.
+Mom, it's lame to be proud of being lame.
+Well, life is like a box of chocolates --
+Mom! No, Mom!
+-- You never know what --
+--- you're gonna get...
+Ninety-nine cents!
+I want to buy a copy of BoneStorm. Here's ninety-nine cents.
+It's the company's fault for making you want it so much.
+Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction: you wish to purchase BoneStorm for ninety-nine cents. Net profit to me: negative fifty-nine dollars.
+Oh, oh please take my fifty-nine dollars. I don't want it. It's yours.
+Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point... ... and state that ninety-nine cents is the rental price.
+Then may I please rent it, please?
+No, you may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.
+Milhouse has BoneStorm!
+This is great! And all I've done is enter my name! "Thrillhouse!"
+Say, Cool Dude, can I play, too?
+Uh, uh... it's only a one player game.
+Then how come it says "2nd Player Score"?!
+Mom! Bart's swearing!
+Hmmm. Maybe if I stand next to the games looking sad, someone will feel sorry for me and buy me one.
+Gavin, don't you already have this game?
+No, Mom, you idiot. I have BloodStorm and BoneSquad and BloodStorm II, stupid.
+Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We'll take a BoneStorm.
+Get two. I'm not sharing with Caitlin.
+That must be the happiest kid in the world.
+Psst. Hey, Simpson! Check this out.
+Look what I got!
+It's the kind I like!
+Are you guys shoplifting?
+Four finger discount, dude.
+Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.
+Go ahead-a, Bart. Take-a the BoneStorm!
+Just take it! TakeItTakeItTakeItTakeItTakeIt! TAKE IT!
+I'm outside. I got away with it! I'm free!
+Sir, would you open your coat please?
+Uh... I don't think this is the kind of coat that opens.
+Please step back into the store, sir.
+Tut, tut, tut. That boy's parents must've made some terrible mistakes.
+Shut up, Mom.
+Ho ho ho! Here you go, li'l fella!
+No. Not for him.
+Oh. I see.
+Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public-service videos as "Designated Drivers: The Life-Saving Nerds" and "Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness." I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills.
+Shoplifting began here, in ancient Phoenicia. Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within. Oh, Sheheqazaramesh , will you ever learn? Flash forward to ancient Babylonia --
+Alright, show's over.
+E-excuse me?
+You think you're pretty smart, don't you?
+Don't smart off to me, smart guy.
+I-I-I could pay for the game. I'll pay for it.
+That kind of mush might fly at Lamps Plus, but don't peddle it here. If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.
+That's it, Mr. Comedian. I'm calling your parents.
+Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is Detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting. Uh-huh.
+It's a shame, I know. But try to have a merry Christmas.
+They weren't home. Uh-huh. But I left a message on their answering machine. That's right.
+Um, okay, I've really really really learned my lesson. Can I please go now?
+Yeah, get out of my sight.
+Hey kid, one more thing: if you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in Juvenile Hall, capiche?
+Well, do you understand?!
+Everything except "capiche"...
+Gotta change that answering machine tape! Oh God, I gotta change that tape!
+Gotta change Maggie! Dear God, we gotta change Maggie!
+Hmmm. We didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.
+Hello, Muddah. Hello, Faddah. Here I am, at Camp Granada...
+Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?
+Now to put this tape where no one will ever listen to it.
+Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is egg nog.
+'Tis the season, Marge! We only get thirty sweet, noggy days, then the government takes it away again!
+I think I'm having chest pains.
+Bart, get your suit on.
+What for?
+We're getting our Christmas picture taken.
+Well, you lucked out, Marge my man, 'cause I'm in a smiling mood today.
+Oh, good. So get ready, and before you know it we'll be at the Try-N-Save.
+Try-N-Save?!
+Ahh, my teapots are ready.
+If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in Juvenile Hall... Juvenile Hall... Juvenile Hall...
+Stand behind the yellow line! You will now receive your Christmas presents, donated by the Port Authority Lost & Found Office. Pass your chit to Santa to receive your gift! If you do not have a chit, you will not receive a gift!
+Wow! The March 8th newspaper!
+Cool! A book of carpet samples!
+Come on, new bike!
+Bart, what's taking so long? If you're having that problem with your zipper, I can send your father up.
+Oh, no, I'm not.
+What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?
+I don't have to listen to these wild allegations.
+Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo.
+Hey! I don't remember saying that!
+Uh-oh. Almost forgot to lock the doors.
+I hope you're going to the Valley Vista Try-N-Save, kid, 'cause you don't want to come to my store. Cat-feesh?
+So we're just going to do this photo and get out, right? Ba-da-bing ba-da-boom?
+I wanna look at the pets and write things on the typewriters and see if the new dictionaries are in!
+I wanna price some flip-flops and smell the new tires and consult the pharmacist for some free medical advice!
+Sure. We're gonna have a great day. Ba-da-bing ba-da-boom, right Bart? Bart?
+What's wrong, honey?
+Uh-oh. Somebody's got tired little legs.
+Hmm. Wonder where the flip-flops are.... "Menswear?"
+Maybe it's "Sporting Goods"... Wait, no, "Sleepwear"... Oh, probably "Better Living."
+Oh, Homie. Look at that watch. I've always wanted a watch like that.
+Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas...
+Pfft. Must have been a pretty slow century.
+The store detective!
+Hey Assel Adams, let's go! Take the photo!
+Wait! Wait! I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier.
+Don't worry, Momma. I can put a smile on Baby's face.
+Okay, Sugarplum, it's time to meet Mr. Funny-Voice. Helloooo-- --oooh, it's just air.
+Well, c'mon! Hurry up!
+Okay, people.
+One, two, three.
+I thought I told you: no returns for busted merchandise.
+What are you doing to my son?!!
+I'm afraid your son broke the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.
+That's crazy! Bart's not a shoplifter! He's just a little boy!
+Oh sure, now he's just a little boy stealing little toys, but someday he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums... And quarries.
+My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.
+Fine. Play the tape. Then everyone can see you've got the wrong boy.
+Wait! Mom, I don't want you to see this.
+I did it.
+Oh, Bart.
+Stealing?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!
+Mom, I'm really sorry.
+I know you are...
+Is there anything I can do?
+I don't know. Why don't you go to bed?
+Man, I thought Mom was gonna scream me stupid. She didn't even raise her voice.
+I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when she's really upset. Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom counter-top. It absorbs everything that touches it, like this bathroom rug.
+Really? You think this might be one of those forever-type things?
+Lisa's on the sleepy train / To rest her weary head / Her ticket is a candy cane / Made out of gingerbread.
+Goodnight, Mom.
+Goodnight, sweetheart.
+Oh great, the tuck-in express in right on time.
+Goodnight.
+I've figured out the boy's punishment. First: he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second: No eggnog. In fact, no nog period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
+I always thought I understood my special little guy. But somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine.
+Eh, what are you gonna do?
+He's not my little baby anymore. Maybe I mother him too much.
+Hey, Mom. You didn't wake me up.
+Here's your hot chocolate.
+You didn't put my marshmallow in.
+I think you're old enough to do it yourself now.
+Okay. I can handle that.
+Hey, give me a slice!
+Milhouse, do you ever worry that your mom might stop loving you?
+What? I'm more worried about piranhas. Did you see that movie where they send a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye and he goes "Aaaaaagh! Aaaagh! Aaaagh!" and that old lady told 'em it would happen?!
+Yeah, that was pretty good.
+Hey, how come you're not playing BoneStorm?
+Ehh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now.
+Whoa! Wow! Man, you never know which way this crazy ball is going to go!
+Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me because you don't want me playing with your videogame.
+Here. Go ahead.
+C'mon, don't be a cup and ball hog!
+Mom! Bart's smoking!
+Okay, okay, I won't bug Milhouse... But... Well, Mrs. Van Houten, this is gonna sound kinda dumb, but can I hang out with you while you do mom stuff?
+Who are Dan and Sherry Adler?
+Just friends of ours.
+Oh. And who is Warren Burke?
+He used to tune our piano before we got rid of it. He grew up in Mechanicsburg.
+Really.
+Mmmm-hmmm.
+Tell me I'm good.
+Hey, that's Mom! She's happy again!
+You guys made a snowman family?
+Check it out, boy! It's like looking into a living snow mirror!
+Why didn't you wait for me?
+I didn't think you'd mind. I figured you were getting a little too old for this. But you can still make one. There's some snow left under the car.
+Stupid family...
+Hey, Simpson. Look what I swiped from Try-N-Save.
+It's a replacement tire for a wheelbarrow.
+I knew you'd like it.
+Everybody thinks I'm the black sheep. Well, I'll show them what a black sheep can do.
+Mom, this fake snow is making me dizzy!
+We're almost finished. There's just a little bit of green left.
+There you are! You can help me spray the cookies...
+Are you hiding something? What do you have under your jacket?
+Nothing.
+Oh, Bart, not again... Give it to me.
+I told you I don't have anything.
+You can't hide from me in this house, Bart! I spend 23 hours a day here!
+Get 'im, Ma!
+There's no place left to run, Bart. Hand it over.
+Oh, Bart. I can't believe you did this.
+I wanted to surprise you for Christmas...
+Oh, Sweetie. This is the best present a mother could get.
+I love you so much, my little Bitty Barty.
+Mo-ommm...
+Since I got my present early, I think you should get yours early too.
+Bart got a present early? Then I should get a present early! I want a present!
+Lisa, you have to wait.
+This is the worst Christmas ever.
+Now, I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk which is the one every boy wants...
+You got me...?
+Uh, yeahhh! Thanks, Mom.
+Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. I am Carvallo. Now, choose a club.
+You have chosen a three-wood. May I suggest a putter?
+Three-wood. Now enter the force of your swing. I suggest "feather touch."
+You have entered "power drive." Now push 7-8-7 to swing.
+Ball is in... parking lot. Would you like to play again?
+You have selected "no."
+Omigod! The "Mad Magazine Special Edition"! They only put out seventeen of these a year!
+Boy, they're really socking it to that Spiro Agnew guy again! He must work there or something.
+Let's do the fold-in.
+Okay. "What higher power do TV evangelists worship?"
+I'll say God.
+I'll say Jesus.
+"THE ALL-MIGHTY DOLLAR"?!!
+Excellent.
+You fold it, you bought it.
+Ooo! "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions"! I'm great at these. Ask me if something smells funny in here, boy.
+Does something smell funny in here?
+I don't think so, stupid!
+Homie, you want pork chops?
+No, I want roast beef, you clod!
+Look at this! Special insert -- "Iron-On Mad-ness!" "BAN THE BATH," "DON'T TRUST ANYONE OVER TEN," "SOCK IT TO ME"...
+Those magazines create a dangerous amount of laughter.
+"The All igh-ty ollar?" I get it.
+Gee, business stinks tonight. Where's Barney, Lenny, and Carl?
+Ahhh... they never come around anymore now that they've got their mistresses.
+Eh, might as well close the dump.
+I'm gonna drink you under the table.
+No, I am going to drink you under the...
+Well, you're closing. It's getting late. My kids are probably wondering where their daddy is. There's gotta be some other place we can go. Think, Moe. Think.
+Sorry, it's "League Night." I couldn't give a lane to my own mother.
+I have no son.
+Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?! For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you're on a "team!" Well I'm better than dirt... Well, most kinds of dirt... I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.
+That I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem as well. But who am I to complain?
+I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wannabe a league bowler.
+Hey, we can be a team!
+Woo hoo! We won! We won!
+Excuse me, but my "team" is ready to bowl.
+You're short one person.
+That longhair freak's bowled with us for years.
+I don't care if it takes all night, I'm gonna get me that lobster harmonica!
+Come on, lobsti.
+Okay, then, I just need your five hundred dollar registration fee.
+Five hundred dollars?! No problem. Would you take an out-of-state, two-party bad check?
+No, I will not pay you five hundred dollars for sex!!
+Aw, come on, Marge! You're getting something in return! And I'm getting a bowling team. It's win/win!
+It's sick! And I don't have that kind of money to spend on sex! Maybe you could get someone with money to sponsor your team. Like Mr. Burns.
+Burns never gives money to anybody. Just last week, I asked him for fifteen hundred dollars.
+For what?
+Ooh, I've got to get the third degree from you, too?
+Tonight's homework assignment is...
+Oh man, is it hot in here! I better take off my sweater.
+Down... With... HOMEWORK?!
+Don't look at it, children!
+The shirt makes a good point.
+I'm with the shirt. Homework rots!
+Down with homework! Down with homework! Down with homework!
+As I was saying, my yearly evaluation couldn't've come at a better time.
+Well, Seymour, I must say for once I am impressed. In fact, I'm going to give this school a perfect ten. I'll just write the zero first. Now a vertical line to indicate the one...
+Down with homework! Down with homework! Down with homework!
+Skinner!!! Why are there children walking on my head?
+So we meet again, Mad Magazine...
+How do you know it's from Mad?
+The year was 1968. We were on re-con in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flak jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an iron-on sporting the Mad slogan, "UP WITH MINI-SKIRTS." Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it.
+But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right...
+... Ah, my punishment?
+Hmm... Oh. I'm going to have to think about that. Meanwhile, wear this home.
+Oooo... I need some more ether. I can still feel the movement of the emery board.
+We're fresh out, Sir. I'll get some more.
+Leave the rag.
+Uh... Excuse me, Mr. Burns?
+Pop 'n Fresh! You glutinous little doughboy! Oh, there's something I've wanted to do to you for years.
+Mr. Burns, I, uh, was wondering if you'd like to sponsor my bowling team... for five hundred dollars.
+Oh, why, certainly, Pop 'n Fresh. I... I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple-bleached goo.
+Woo hoo!
+Hey, everybody, if you want to ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up or dyin' or something!
+Ah, excuse me. I'd like to request seventeen dollars for a push-broom rebristling.
+Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your lucky charms.
+Oh, no! My brains.
+Hey, nice quote uniforms, end quote.
+This just in. A new addition to our worst-dressed list... those guys.
+Oh, forget this. I am far too fragile to withstand an evening of barbs like that.
+Oh, c'mon, if we quit now we'll never know how badly they're gonna beat us.
+Ya... you're right. That's the kind of thing that would haunt you.
+Si! Buenos noches, senoritas!
+Whud he say?! Whud he say?! Was that about me?
+Okay, Otto. Pressure's on. Don't-choke-don't-choke-don't-choke-dooooon't-- -- CHOKE!!
+Oh, man! I knew I was gonna choke!
+Well, that's a funny-looking strike.
+C'mon, guys. Let's be the team that supports each other. YOU CAN DO IT OTTO / YOU CAN DO IT OTTO / HELP EACH OTHER OUT, THAT'LL BE OUR MOTTO...
+YOU CAN DO IT OTTO / YOU CAN DO IT OTTO...
+MAKE THIS SPARE I'LL GIVE YOU FREE GELATTO...
+THEN BACK TO MY PLACE WHERE I WILL GET YOU BLOTTO...
+DOMO AREGATTO, MISTER ROBOTO...
+YOU CAN DO IT OTTO / YOU CAN DO IT...
+Uh, guys. I made the spare. We won.
+Yayyy! / Way to go! / The Pin Pals did it! / We won! / Team work! /
+Those beers are five dollars apiece.
+Lemme set the scene for you, Marge.
+All right.
+It's a 7-10 split.
+Uh-huh.
+The hardest shot in bowling. It was all up to me.
+So I got up all my courage. Right away, my lips started to move and I came up with a chant that won the match.
+Who knocked down the pins?
+I don't know. You know, some guy. Otto, I guess.
+Good for him!
+Marge, you're missing the point. The individual doesn't matter. It was a team effort and I was the one who came up with the whole team idea. Me.
+I can't believe Otto picked up a 7-10 split. He's phenomenal!
+But... but...
+Several days ago, a violent riot erupted, incited by an inflammatory T-shirt slogan.
+No! No! Now don't try to remember what that slogan was.
+To ensure that this frenzied dance of destruction is never repeated, I have decided, starting Monday, all students will be required to wear uniforms.
+Uniforms?!
+Say hello to our little genius Martin, who looks even smarter in this vest and short pant combination from Mr. Boy of Main Street. Or how about Little Lisa Simpson...
+She'll have no reason to play the blues in this snappy ensemble, topped off with a saucy French beret that seems to scream , "Silence."
+All right. Pick your size, extra-small or extra-large. We've got both. No pushing now... I... What?... Oh. I've just been informed we've run out of extra-large.
+GO, MOE / GO MOE / DON'T MAKE HOMER SHOUT OUT !
+Alright! The Pin Pals win again! Etc.
+All right, Snake, make us proud.
+One... two... three... four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten -- 'Bye!
+Ahh... We forfeit.
+There it is, boys, the championship trophy!
+We will never possess it. The Holy Rollers have won it five years in a row.
+Ah, they think they're so high and mighty, just 'cause they never got caught drivin' without pants.
+Ah, ha, ha, ha, God-boy couldn't get a strike.
+It's me... Ned.
+Whoa! Whatever I got ahold of, it's big!
+Mom, my sling shot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
+Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
+Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
+Homer! Watch your mouth!
+Gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
+We are not wieners!
+Then what are you dressed like that for?
+They made us!
+"They made us!" That's loser talk! You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future league champions of the world! Nothing's gonna stop us now!
+Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling!
+Uh, sir. That's a check for your boweling.
+Oh, yes. That's very important.
+Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it?
+Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned. Anyway, back to the checks... Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling!
+Hmmm. The memo says, "To my pal, Pop 'n Fresh."
+Oh, yes. That greedy, grasping, glob of chemicals.
+Probably one of your ether-induced hallucinations, sir. I'll check the employee files to see who could pull off such an impersonation.
+Now, it was either Pops Freshenmeyer...
+Or Homer Simpson.
+Simpson, eh? Let's shut down this bowling scam right now.
+COME ON HOMER, COME ON HOMER / PRETEND THIS IS BASEBALL / AND HIT US A HOMER!
+Way to go, Homer! We win again! Good job! Etc.
+By the way, rhyming Homer with Homer...
+Look at them, Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement.
+I have a much uglier word for it, Sir: "Misappropriation."
+Simpson!
+Listen here... I want to join your team.
+You want to join my what?
+You want to what his team?
+I've had one of my unpredictable changes of heart. Seeing these fine young athletes reveling in the humiliation of a vanquished foe... I haven't felt this energized since my last... boweling.
+Oh, man, he'll blow our winning streak.
+Yeah. Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
+Look, guys. It's not that simple, he's my boss. I'll tell you what: I'll give him a shot and if he stinks, it'll be easier to tell him no.
+Welcome aboard. It wasn't any easier.
+Ahhh, these uniforms are a godsend. Horseplay is down 40 percent. Youthful exuberance has been cut in half, and high spirits are at an all-time low.
+They've even begun blinking in unison.
+I love that sound.
+Now, children, while you're having quiet time, I'm going to make sure my desk is exactly parallel to the rear wall.
+Oh! There's something I used to do in this situation, but... can't... remember...
+Haw... Ho?
+Whoo, I can't believe I got booted off the team for Mister Businessman. I bet I'll get a little respect once I get that Harvard Diploma.
+Look at that. All the way to the end with only one push.
+Ah, that's the third game in a row he cost us, Homer!
+Mama mia!
+Hoot mon!
+Yee haw!
+Arrgh, me maties. Arrgh.
+Whoo! They begged me to join their team. Begged me.
+Well, we certainly got walloped tonight, eh fellas?
+Uh, Mr. Burns, next week is the big championship game...
+Ah, yes. That silly championship? The only "ship" worth a damn is friendship. Look, here comes the friend ship, sailing your way...
+Oooh, here, let me get that, friend.
+Oops, lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.
+You're "it."
+Now you are the one who is "it."
+Understood.
+Well, I've gotta hand it to you, Seymour. These drab student coverings have created the perfect distraction-free environment, thus preparing the children for permanent positions in tomorrow's mills and processing facilities. Best of all, with less than a minute to go before I leave, absolutely nothing has gone wrong.
+Well, it is starting to rain, but I can hardly be blamed for that, can I?
+Yes, very good.
+Wow, look at all the colors, man!
+Red, green, yellow, orange! I remember all of these!
+I'm freaking out!
+Hey, something's comin' back to me! Down with homework!
+And down with uniforms!
+Ow!Ow!Ow!Ow! Skinner!!! Why aren't these uniforms colorfast?
+I don't understand it. I got them at the same place I buy Mother's dresses. Good Lord! Mother's in the park!
+Now this I gotta see!
+Aw, Marge, we were so close to winning the championship. Now thanks to Burns it's never gonna happen. And I spent so much time building that trophy case.
+Homer, maybe Mr. Burns will bowl a great game and you will win your championship.
+So you're saying we're definitely gonna win? -- Woo hoo! I won't need this any more!
+Marge! Someone broke the toilet!
+Don't worry about nothin', Homer. I have a feeling that Mr. Burns is gonna have a little accident that might keep him from bowling with us tonight. Heh, heh, heh...
+Smithers, I'm afraid I won't be able to play tonight. My old gimpy knee has gone akimbo again, and...
+Take that!
+Smithers! That precision assault popped it back into place! Thank you masked stranger!
+Aw, he's gonna ruin everything. All right, that's it Homer! Either Burns goes or Moe goes.
+Yes. I am afraid that I am going to have to make a similar threat with my name in place of Moe's name.
+So, who's ready to kick some Christian keister?
+Mr. Burns, as team captain, it's my duty to inform you that...
+Oh, I almost forgot. I brought you all a little something.
+Aw, would you look at that. The Pin Pals.
+At last, I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in.
+I've always been wealthy , but this is the first time I ever felt rich.
+Now, Homer, you were about to say something to me...
+You're off the team.
+Homer! He's just ribbing you, Monty.
+You guys!
+Hallelujah.
+Nice one, Homer.
+Thanks.
+Okay. The Holy Rollers are ahead by one pin and we only have one bowler left... Mr. Burns.
+Next time, a few steps more toward center, don't you think?
+Goodbye, trophy.
+You mean I won.
+But we were a team, Sir.
+Oh. I'm afraid I've had one of my trademark changes of heart. You see, teamwork will only take you so far, then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal glory. Now, I must discard my teammates, much like the boxer must shed roll after roll of sweaty, useless, disgusting flab before he can win the title. Ta!
+I guess some people never change. Or they quickly change, and then quickly change back.
+You know what? We don't need him or his trophy. We got each other, huh?
+GO HOMER YOU'RE OUR MAN / IF YOU CAN'T DO IT NO ONE CAN!
+I guess no one can.
+Run, before they're through feeding!
+Live from the famous brown sands of Public Beach, Delaware, it's the Grand Nationals of Sand Castle Building... Preview!
+Saturday afternoon TV is so boring.
+Bikini girls! Dune buggies! Daredevil surfers!
+Ordinarily this beach would be swarming with them... but not today. Oh, no. They've all been cleared out to make way for painstaking sand preparation.
+That's right, Dick. Y'know, this year everyone's abuzz about one thing: The absence of Mark Rodkin. Oh, wait, there he is.
+Marge, I'm bored.
+Why don't you read something?
+Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.
+Well, you could hand out these flyers for the neighborhood rummage sale.
+You'd get some fresh air and exercise.
+Eh. I'll do it anyway.
+Come on, boy, we're going to see the neighbors.
+Good ol' Evergreen Terrace. The swankiest street in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates.
+Well if you love it so much, why are you always littering?
+It's easier. Duh.
+"THE DREAM POLICE / THEY LIVE INSIDE OF MY BED / THE DREAM POLICE POLICE / THEY COME TO ME IN MY HEAD / THE DREAM POLICE / THEY COME TO ARREST ME NOW / OH, NOOOO.... "
+Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
+Uh, spray the boy.
+Well, ready for the big rummage sale?
+Oh, yes, indeed. I've got nothing but time until they fix that malfunctioning Squishee machine.
+Hey, I never noticed this place!
+Dad, it's right across the street from us!
+That fancy house'll never sell. Nobody who could afford it would want to live in this neighborhood.
+Hey! What's wrong with this neighborhood? Big shot. Too good to buy a house here, Snobby?
+Who are you talking to, Homer?
+The guy who doesn't live there.
+Can we get rid of this "Ayatollah" T-shirt? Khomeini died years ago.
+But, Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!
+I don't care who's consolidating their power. Well, we don't need this.
+Marge, that's the Rhinestone Nights Fashion Gun. I need it to rhinestone-up my old clothing.
+Who's "Disco Stu?"
+Oh. I wanted to write "DISCO STUD" but I ran out of space. Not that "Disco Stu" didn't get his share of the action!
+So if you're looking for a half bag of charcoal briquettes, or an artificial Christmas tree -- trunk only, c'mon over to the Hibbert table. Pronto.
+Well sir, looks like we got some nice items here at Table Glick. Like this...
+What the heckaroonie is this, Mrs. Glick?
+It is a candy dish, Ned! Ninety dollars!
+Uh-huh. Well, I... uh, I guess you could put a lot of nice things in there--
+No! Just candy, Ned... Ninety dollars!
+Well, looks like somebody sold something today.
+Are you interested in that motorized tie rack, Principal Skinner?
+Mmm. It's awfully loud.
+Well, you can always take the motor out and use it as an ordinary tie rack...
+But now the ties are motionless. And those in back are virtually inaccessible! Well, it's a moot point, as I have only one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass.
+Have you sold that tie rack yet?
+I'll take it.
+Now, folks, nothin' spells fun like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket!
+Stu, you should buy that.
+Hey, Disco Stu doesn't advertise.
+Uh, hey Ned, lemme help you with that.
+Hey everybody! Who thinks Flanders should shut up?
+So, anyone here from... Evergreen Terrace?
+I think this is the best neighborhood in town. Anybody agree with me?
+You're the king, Homer!
+King of the neighborhood!
+Say. That Ayatollah thinks he's better than America. Is he right?
+Well, for only five dollars you can sock it to him in style!
+Right here!
+And for the man who has everything: a tie rack motor!
+I'll take that.
+Hey, big spender! / Dig this blender! / Rainbow suspenders!...
+Hey, big spender!...
+We surrender!...
+Spend some dough at Table Three!
+Thank you, neighbors, thank you! Now let's give it up for Table Five! Ah-ah-ah-ah / Table Five, Table Five... Ah-ah-ah-ah / Table Fi-i-i-i-i-i-ve...
+Table Five, Table Five...
+Hey, what's the big deal? It's just some new guy moving in!
+Disco Stu likes disco music.
+Hi there, neighbors. I'm George Bush.
+Former President George Bush?
+Okay, let's give it up for the new guy. Now let's all turn around and pay attention to me again. Hello? Hello?
+Wow, a former president, living right across the street!
+Why did he have to move in on my territory? Look at him. Thinks just because he led the free world he can act like a big shot.
+Stupid president. Why couldn't he just stay in his own state?
+Actually this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, Dad. I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood.
+Wait a minute. If Lisa didn't vote for him, and I didn't vote for him--
+You didn't vote for anybody.
+I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. After that, I became deeply cynical.
+And your business here, Mr. Flanders?
+Well, sir, I'm welcoming the Bushes on behalf of the Neighborhood Association.
+Never mind about that, Ray. Just give 'em a quick pass with the metal detector and let 'em on in. Hey, Bar, the neighbors are here!
+Howdily-Doodily there, President Bush--or should I say President Neighbor! I'm Ned Flanders, and this is Maude, Rod and Todd.
+Well howdily-doodily yourself there, Ned.
+This's my wife, Barbara. I call her "Bar." 'Dja like some lemonade?
+Tip-top-notch!
+Okily-Dokily!
+Thankily-dankily! Greatalicious!
+Scrumpdiddlerific!
+Fine and dandy! Like sour candy!
+Bar's a whiz with cold drinks, aren'tcha, Bar? Don't understand lemonade myself. Not my forté.
+What brings you to Springfield?
+Well, George and I just wanted to be private citizens again. Go where nobody cared about politics. So we found the town with the lowest voter turnout in America.
+Just happy to be here among good, average people with no particular hopes or dreams.
+But, Mr. President, we're not all good people.
+There's one little boy you should watch out for. He's a bad, bad little boy.
+Now, Todd, don't scare the president.
+Oh, look at those phonies, sucking up to Bush.
+I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong bush. Heh heh heh.
+Just gonna relax with my U.S. News and World Whatnot. Oh, good, they're roasting the new guy!
+Helloooo, Mr. Bush!
+George, this is a neighborhood boy, Bart Simpson. He came over to say hi.
+Hi!... Hey, what's this?
+My electric card shuffler. Don't go near that --
+Now I told you! Aw, those cards were from Air Force One... and they only give you so many packs!
+Oh, George, boys will be boys. Bart's just being friendly. Why don't you get off that sofa and show Bart your photos?
+Aw, but he'll gunk 'em all up. His hands are probably covered with mud and cookies.
+Oh, probably stole a napkin.
+Who's that, George?
+That's me with Charlton Heston. He was --
+Who's that, George?
+See, you wouldn't know him. That's Bob Mosbacher. He was Secretary of--
+That's a dumb name. Who's that, George?
+Maybe he thinks "Bart" is a dumb--
+How many times were you president, George?
+Just once. Bar? Isn't it time for dinner yet?
+I'm making rice. It'll be awhile.
+Did your Secret Service goons ever whack anybody, George?
+You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names.
+Yeah, well, welcome to the twentieth century, George.
+I'll kick you right out of the Twentieth Century, you little...
+Oh, man, I've only got one minute 'til they stop serving those Breakfast Balls...
+Let's see now, what do you folks have here, huh? Hmmm... a "Krusty" burger. That doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today?
+Oh, we don't have stew.
+Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?
+That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.
+Hey, jerk! Move your fanny!
+That guy's louder than World War Two. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, willya?
+Sir, could you pop your hood?
+Hey! My taxes paid for that horn!
+Why hello, Mrs. Bush.
+Hi, Bart. Mr. Bush is upstairs napping.
+You know, your husband's awful grumpy.
+Oh, that's just his way. He really likes you... You know, it's time for him to get up and work on his memoirs. Why don't you go wake him?
+What the?! Great Scott! Don't touch that! That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me!
+Where'd you get those pajamas?
+They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president. And you're not president.
+Yes I am.
+No you're not! Bar!!
+Hey, where's your candy?
+We don't have any! Now go away!
+George!... Older people don't eat much candy, Bart, but I could bake you some cookies if you like.
+Can't remember the last time she made cookies for me.
+What's that?
+Oh... nothing.
+All right. His story checks out. Marge, would you love me more if I were president? 'Cause I'll do it if it will make you happy.
+Homie. As long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy.
+Well, you can always depend on that.
+"... and since I'd achieved all my goals as President in one term, there was no need for a second. The end."
+Good memoirs. Good, not great. Now let's look at that old outboard. Soup that baby up, rattle a few windows down in Kennebunkport next May. Heh heh.
+Helloooo, Mr. Bush!
+Whatcha doing?
+Now, now don't upset the desk there... Careful, don't wanna horse around with--
+Hey, cool, what does this do?
+Now don't you pull that cord, young man!
+Aw, now look what you-- whoops! Hey! Bar! My motor's gone loco!
+Aw, the birdhouse...
+My prize orchids!...
+Oh, no. Not the memoirs. Don't even think about it. Not gonna happen.
+Whoa, man.
+Whoa, nothing. I'm gonna do something your daddy shoulda done a long time ago.
+Now go home and think about what you've done, young man.
+He spanked you? You, Bart Simpson?
+I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.
+Big deal! When I was a pup we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions!
+Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.
+And that's why your no good kids are running wild!
+First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk... probably..., now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it!
+Hey, Bush! Get out here!
+Excuse me, sir, where are you going?
+I'm going to punch George Bush in the face!
+Okay is he expecting you?
+You owe me an apology!
+Hey, you owe me an apology! If you were any kind of a father you'd've disciplined that boy a long time ago.
+You wanna step back, sir. You're trampling the flowers.
+Oooh? Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Oooh! Well, you are a wimp.
+Wimp, am I?... Agent Johnson, Agent Heintz, you men stand down.
+All right, mister. You want trouble, you're gonna get trouble.
+Oh, I want trouble all right.
+Then you're gonna get trouble.
+No, you're gonna get trouble.
+Well, that's good, that's good, 'cause I want trouble.
+Then we're agreed. There'll be trouble.
+Oh, yeah. Lots of trouble.
+Trouble it is.
+For you.
+This is gonna be sweet. Two hundred bottle rockets and George Bush doing toe touches by an open window.
+If you get one up his butt, it's a million points.
+Why don't you just say you're sorry, George?
+Because I'm right! Oh, no, I'm gonna fix their wagon good. I've pulled some pranks in my time...
+I... I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors?
+No! That's not Bar and me; it's them!
+Who? Maude and me?
+No! The man and his boy! You know! The boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar, what's the name of the man?
+I'm not getting involved, George.
+Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I guess I'll just take it down.
+George, it's time to get dressed.
+Uh-unh, I'm not going outside today, not with those neighbors. Staying right here 'til my speech to the Elks Club.
+Yoo hoo?
+Who is it?
+It's your sons, George Bush Jr. and Jeb Bush. Come outside, Dad!
+Oh, good. Bar, the boys are out in the front yard. They'll help me think of a plan to get those Simpsons.
+Oh, George, is that all you ever think about? The boys probably just want a letter of recommendation.
+Boys? Where you going?
+Okay, son! Give him the glue!
+... And that's why I will continue to oppose teen alcoholism in all its forms.
+Now are there any questions?
+...Keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair?
+Oh, yeah / Right. / Etc.
+President Bush is driving on our lawn! He must be lost.
+He's not lost.
+Looks like we're experiencing some blow-back from the wig offensive.
+It's time to hit him where he lives.
+His house?
+So I thought to myself, what would God do in this situation?
+Locusts. They'll drive him nuts.
+It's all in the Bible, son! It's the Prankster's Bible!
+I can't decide if this'll be considered feisty or crazy.
+Hey! What the...? If he thinks George Bush'll stay out of the sewer, he doesn't know George Bush!
+Hey, turkeys! Behind ya!
+For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy!
+Never! You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs!
+You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs! Never!
+Yay, Dad!
+I really feel awful about your lawn, Marge. George can be so stubborn when he thinks he's right.
+Well Homer, too. They're so much alike.
+Too bad they got off on the wrong foot. It's just like the Noriega thing. Now he and George are the best of friends.
+Here's a little something we learned in the C.I.A.
+Get him, boys!!
+Hello? Hello?
+I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet! I'll take your head and... Gorbachev? What are you doing here?
+I just drop by with present for warming of house. Instead find you grappling with local oaf.
+Oh, brought some of your commie friends to help you fight dirty, eh?
+But Mikhail, they put a wig on my head and my memoirs...
+George, this is the last straw! You apologize to Homer right now!
+But Bar! We can't show any weakness in front of the Russians!
+George...
+Yes, dear.
+I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer.
+Woo hoo! In your face, Bush! Now apologize for the tax hike.
+It's a shame it didn't work out, Marge, but George just felt this neighborhood brought out the worst in him and--
+Oh, my. Well, so long.
+Bye bye!
+Pleased to meet you. I just moved in. My name is Jerry Ford.
+Former President Gerald Ford? Put 'er there! I'm Homer Simpson.
+Say, Homer, do you like football?
+Do I ever!
+Do you like nachos?
+Yes, Mr. Ford!
+Well, why don't you come over and watch the game and we'll have nachos. And then some beer.
+Jerry, I think you and I are gonna get along just fi--
+Ai! Que agonia!
+Oh, he wants that corn so much!
+Ai! Dios no me ama.
+Huh? I wanna see what's on the other broadcasts. Where's the oscillator on this thing?
+No, Grampa, don't!
+Sit down! / You're breaking -- / Don't touch that--
+Consarn it! / What's this do? / --make my adjustments here--
+Yay!! We're getting a new TV!!
+Let's go to the Sharper Image. They've got a TV shaped like a Fifties diner!
+No, let's go to the Nature Company. They've got a TV assembled by Hopi Indians!
+We can't afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy. We just need a TV. We're going to go to the outlet mall in Ogdenville.
+Look at these low, low prices on famous brand name electronics!
+Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs.
+I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see it. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.
+Listen, I'm not going to lie to you: those are all superior machines. But if you like to watch your TV -- and I mean really watch it -- you want: the Carnivalé. It features: two-pronged wall plug, pre-molded hand-grip well, durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart...
+Sold! You wrap it up, I'll start bringin' in the pennies.
+Honey, I don't think these clothes are us...
+Who are they?
+Hey, Brandine! You could wear this shirt to work.
+Oh, Cletus, you know I gotta wear the shirt what Dairy Queen give me.
+Hey, Mom! There's something in here!
+Oh, it's beautiful. Can it be real Chanel?
+90 dollars?!
+But it's marked down from $2,800!
+Oh, you look so sophisticated -- just like Mary Hart!
+It fits like a dream, too. But we can't afford $90 even if it is a bargain. It wouldn't be right to buy something just for me. If it were a suit we could all wear, maybe, then...
+C'mon, Mom, you never treat yourself to anything.
+Oh, sure I do. I treated myself to a Sanka not three days ago. But this is a real find.
+Just buy it. You don't have to rationalize everything.
+Alright, I will buy it. It'll be good for the economy.
+You look great.
+Really? You like it? Oh, I'd love to wear this someplace special.
+Spurlock's Cafeteria it is.
+What about the symphony -- or the theater?
+What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.
+Oh, Mrs. Simpson, you are looking very prosperous today. Might I interest you in some of our impulse items here by the cash register? Perhaps a crazy motorized wiggle pen? Look at the craziness.
+Attendant, I'd like some gas.
+Yes, I'm sorry, I do not speak English. Okay.
+But you were just talking to --
+Yes, yes! Hot dog! Hot dog! Yessir, no sir, maybe, okay!
+Well, I can't pump it myself. I'm calling Triple-A.
+I used to be a little overwhelmed, too, but it's not that hard. I can show you.
+Marge? Is that you? Marge Bouvier, from high school?
+yeah. Hi, Evelyn.
+How about that. Marge. You look wonderful. And to think I heard you married Homer Simpson.
+I did marry Homer.
+Come. You must show me the pumps.
+Ninety percent of the time, if the gas isn't pumping, this is your problem.
+Automotive skills and fashion sense. Well, you've come a long way from the girl I knew nothing about in high school.
+We ran with different crowds. You had your debutante balls and skinny-dipping, and I had my home shoe repair course.
+Oh, my, you haven't changed a bit as far as I know. Say, why don't you drop by the country club tomorrow?
+Oh, and bring the family.
+You there -- fill it up with petroleum distillate and re-vulcanize my tyres! Post haste!
+Bart, comb your hair. Homer, I don't think you should wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie.
+But Sipowicz does it.
+If Detective Sipowicz jumped off a cliff, would you do that, too?
+I wish I was Sipowicz.
+Do I have to go? That country club is a hotbed of exclusionist snobs and status-seeking social-climbers.
+I've told you, I don't like you using the word hotbed. Please, Lisa, we so rarely get to do things like this. And everybody -- everybody, please -- be on your best behavior. Bart, no grifting.
+Aww, raspberries.
+Name, please?
+Simpson family.
+We're not poor.
+Well, we're not.
+Go on in. They're expecting you at the clubhouse.
+Wow. Livin' large!
+Ohhh. I've always dreamed of coming here. Everybody keep smiling, and I know we're going fit right in.
+Baaaahhhh!
+Oh, Marge, you made it. And you wore that lovely suit.
+Karen , Gillian , Elizabeth , Patricia , Roberta , Susan , meet Marge.
+Pleased to meet you. You look like such a happy bunch... of people.
+That's the trouble with first impressions. You only get to make one.
+Oh, that reminds me of a funny apron I saw...
+Uh, you know, Marge, your family doesn't have to stand in the alcove.
+They're free to enjoy the club.
+Uh, c'mon, kids, let's go sit in the car 'til your Mom's done fitting in.
+Eliza-Beth is right. Why shout yourself hoarse at incompetent salesclerks, when you can get nearly everything mail-order?
+Mmm-hmm, I won't eat anything unless it's shipped overnight from Vermont or Washington State.
+We order our steaks through The New Yorker.
+I have a sneaking suspicion that L.L. Bean and Eddie Bauer are selling me the same honey.
+I get food through the mail, but in a different way. Every month Good Housekeeping arrives in my mailbox bursting with recipes. Sometimes the most satisfying meal is the one you cook yourself.
+Hmmm. That's very true, Marge. One night Wif and I came home late, and we decided not to wake Iris, and instead we microwaved our own soup.
+Of course it was a horrible mess, but Iris didn't mind cleaning it up...
+Oh, that Iris is a gem. / Hooray for Wif! / Why can't my Thurston be more like Wif?
+Didn't everybody have a wonderful time? I thought it was so opulent -- like the Playboy Mansion, but non-sexual.
+That place is weird. A man in the bathroom kept handing me towels, 'til I paid him to stop.
+You should've held out longer, boy.
+The rich are different from you and me.
+Yes. They're better. Socially better. And if we fit in, we can be better too. So today, while the rest of you were out being different, I did a very good job of fitting in. So good that Evelyn gave us a guest pass. They might even ask us to join!
+Boy, Marge, you must've really done a number on those rich suckers.
+Oh, don't thank me. Thank my beautiful new suit.
+Fritz, you idiot. I didn't order a bologna sandwich. I ordered an abalone sandwich.
+I don't know what Mom's thinking. This whole country club scene is so decadent...
+All these - spoiled - brats - and - their - smug, complacent parents. It just reinforces...the unspoken - class - system - of... horses - sitting - on - their - high... horses I'm sorry. I gotta go!
+Queen of Hearts. I believe all the rest are ours.
+Well played! We could have stopped them if you had changed to a different suit.
+I thought perhaps changing suits had gone out of fashion... eh, Marge?
+You know, Homer, the traditional way to cheat in golf is to lower your score.
+That's one way.
+I'm the club pro, Tom Kite. How 'bout I give you a few pointers on your game? Now you don't want to over-think...
+Not an issue.
+Keep your head down.
+Pretend there's no one else here...and just go at your own pace.
+Wow! Very impressive! You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.
+Really?
+Uh-huh. All you need is your own set of clubs.
+And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.
+Marge, did you know that Kennedy and Lincoln had the same handicap?
+Homer, please. I have to alter this suit so it looks different for tomorrow.
+Just slap some bumper stickers on it and come to bed, willya, Marge?
+Love your outfit, Marge. The vest says "Let's have lunch," but the culottes say, "You're paying!"
+Why thank you, Roberta.
+Mom, look! I found something more fun than complaining!
+Marge, your family is fitting in perfectly here. If all goes well at Saturday's ball, I'd love to sponsor you for membership.
+Oh, that would be a dream come true. I'll be there with bells on!
+Bells? Where exactly will you be attaching them to that mangled Chanel suit?
+Oh, don't worry, Marge. Her idea of wit is nothing more than an incisive observation humorously phrased and delivered with impeccable timing. I'm sure you'll be a smash at the ball and I just know you'll have a lovely new outfit.
+Hey, that's some mighty fine chippin', Homer.
+Yeah. Can ya bank it into the handicapped stall?
+Seat down.
+Hmmm. Who is that lavatory linksman, Smithers?
+Homer Simpson, Sir. One of the fork- and-spoon operators from Sector 7G.
+Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
+Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, Sir. I've never seen you lose a game...except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, Sir.
+Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty! They'll eat me alive!"
+Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
+Unlikely, Sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
+Bah. Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.
+Oh, this game could mean big things for me, Marge. If I beat Mr. Burns, I mean really wallop him bad... I'm sure to get that big raise I've been gunning for.
+All right, all right, but if you win, don't make a scene and dance around with your "woo-hoos," please. We can't afford a single slip-up. They're judging us.
+Mom, did you like horses when you were my age? 'Cause I heard--
+I don't know. Lisa, tonight is very important. Mommy has to alter her suit so it looks like a totally new one.
+Mom, do you want to know the fifteen reasons I like horses better than cars? One: a horse never--
+I really need to concentrate on this, Lisa, would you mind--
+You know how a horse goes like this? Mom? Like this? Mom?
+...I've already altered this so many times, it's nearly impossible to...
+Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
+LISA, PLEASE!!
+No-No-NO-NO-NOOO!
+At times like this, I guess all you can do is laugh.
+I need a formal dress for tonight!
+You've come to the right place.
+We've got classy duds up the ying-yang.
+I call this one "Fantasy in Maroon."
+It's got some cigarette burns, but we can patch 'em up with Nu-Vinyl.
+Mmm, it's a bit peppery for me. Why don't we put this in the "maybe" pile.
+This was originally a Halloween costume, but it found its way into my regular rotation.
+Uh-huh.
+Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?
+Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
+Woo hoooooooooo--
+Yes. You're in deep "D'oh" now.
+Perfect as always, Sir. Right on the green.
+Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club! The sand wedge!
+Mmm, open-faced club sand wedge...
+You're four strokes behind, Simpson.
+Oh, a cunning stratagem, Sir. It's curving right toward the green... and... it's... there.
+He got to the green in one shot?!
+How - can - that - old - man - hit - SO - FAR?!!
+Now keep your head down... Ignore all distractions...
+Miss... Miss! Do you have a Chanel suit or any other high-quality clothes?
+No, ma'am. But we do have a shipment of slightly burnt Sears Activewear coming in this afternoon.
+Oh, I give up.
+What time and how burnt?
+Cripes, man, can't you ever get to the green in less than two shots?
+Smithers, what are you doing up here?
+And what are you doing with his ball?
+And all those other balls?!
+There are no other balls. Uh, just these, uh, reptile eggs! Ooh, step away, they're endangered!
+These aren't reptile eggs! You've been cheating! No matter where Mr. Burns hits the ball, you put a fresh one on the green!
+Cheating for me? Good lord, Smithers, that's patently unnecessary. I'm one of the world's finest golfers! In all the years you've caddied for me, I've never lost a-- Oh.
+So you're not the best golfer here! Wait'll I tell everyone about this! You stink!
+You know, Homer, Mr. Burns holds a lot of sway at this club. If you would keep quiet about the alleged... decades of cheating, I'm sure he'd support your application for membership tonight.
+Bull-honkey! I don't care about joining this stupid club.
+But does your wife?
+I knew my kind wasn't welcome here.
+Mom, you are lookin' fab-u-lous.
+Yeah, you look great! You can do anything with that sewing machine.
+No, I can't. C'mon, let's go.
+You mean it's a new dress? Where did you get it?
+The outlet store.
+Wow, two finds in one store! What are the odds?
+Call it fate. Let's go...
+How much did it cost?
+A dollar. Let's go.
+With tax or without?
+Without. Let me go!
+So with tax, how much was it?
+Why do you have to question everything I do?!!
+You look nice, is all.
+Homer, what are you doing?
+I'm driving up to the main building. They've got valet parking tonight.
+We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car. We're walking.
+But Marge, valets. For once, maybe someone will call me "Sir," without adding "you're making a scene."
+I'm gonna regale everyone with my anecdote. You know, the one I tried to say on the radio? Heh, heh, who's gonna bleep me this time?
+I'm gonna pose as an Italian count and get some old lady to leave me all her money.
+I'm gonna ask people if they know their servants' last names, or, in the case of butlers, their first.
+No, no, no! Not tonight! No vulgarity, no mischief, no politics. Just be good.
+I'm sorry, Mom. I'll behave.
+I won't say anything controversial.
+I just won't say anything, okay, honey?
+You kids should thank your mother. Now that she's a better person, we can see how awful we really are.
+Come here, Maggie.
+Oh, Homie, I like your in-your-face humanity. I like the way Lisa speaks her mind. I like Bart's... I like Bart. And I like my old green dress. I didn't have to spend our savings on this stupid gown.
+Our savings?!
+Don't worry, I saved the receipt. We'll have a $3,300 credit at Chanel.
+They have beer and gum, right?
+C'mon, let's go. I wouldn't want to join any club that would have this me as a member.
+It's okay. Those snobs never would've made us members anyway.
+I wonder where Marge could be? She's missing her own initiation.
+I hope she didn't take my attempt to destroy her too seriously.
+Where's Homer? Oh, and to think I spent all afternoon baking him this cake.
+I pickled the figs myself.
+Hey, did you guys just come from the prom?
+Sort of.
+But, you know, we realized we're more comfortable in a place like this.
+Man, you're crazy! This place is a dump.
+May I offer my condolences on the untimely passing of your Great Aunt Hortense. As her only living heirs, you stand to inherit her entire estate.
+Poor Aunt Hortense... woo-hoo... woo-hoo...
+The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house.
+Oh, isn't that somewhat unusual?
+No, it's a standard clause.
+Well, luckily, there's no such thing as ghosts.
+Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts.
+Best night's sleep I ever had.
+Their tap water tasted better than ours!
+Here you go. One hundred dollars each... The rest goes to Ann Landers, as was stipulated in your aunt's will.
+Oh, I'm sorry, I must have continued talking after you left the office. I do that sometimes.
+What are you going to spend your money on, kids?
+There's a special on tacos down at the The TacoMat. A hundred tacos for a hundred dollars. I'm gonna get that.
+I'm going to contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
+Tacos! Public Broadcasting! I won't have you kids throwing your money away like that. You're both coming downtown with me and you're gonna put that money in the bank.
+Boy, I sure could go for a hundred tacos right about now.
+Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the "Dr. Who" marathon.
+You'll feel better knowing your money's in the hands of professionals.
+Ook, ook. Are you folks ready to go ape?
+A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.
+... and you'll find that saving for your future is far more thrilling than any rollercoaster.
+Really?! Wow, I should've started a long time ago!
+Mmm-hmm. Now fill out these forms. I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than a weekend with Batman.
+I got their new Thrifty Saver Savings account. 2.3% annual interest instead of the normal 2.25. So a year from now I'll have an extra nickel.
+I got the account where you get free customized checks. I chose the Hindenberg flip-book series.
+Coooool.
+Checking accounts aren't really for children, Bart.
+No, Mom, I can handle it. Let's see... Pay to the order of... Lisa. One cent... and no cents. And now the old John Hancock... Here you go.
+Thank you.
+A million dollars! Thanks, Bart! I owe you one.
+Uh, that's a post-dated check, remember. Don't cash it 'til the year ten thousand.
+Excellent. As soon as the check clears, I'll let you go.
+Can I get your autograph, Krusty? / Me first! / Me third! / etc.
+That's it. No more autographs. I gotta go. They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.
+It's okay, Bart. You can share mine.
+Quick -- press against me while the ink's still wet!
+No need. I'm going to get Krusty's autograph the easy way.
+If he wants these 25 cents, he'll have to endorse the check by signing it on the back. Then when my monthly bank statement comes, I'll get the check back complete with autograph. No fuss, no muss.
+That's a good plan. But it won't impress girls like this.
+Lisa's autograph... Apu's autograph... Oh, whaddaya know, Jimbo's real name is Corky... Aannnnd Krusty... Hey! "Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation"?
+Krusty was supposed to sign this. Take it back and make him sign it.
+Uh, no, no. Stamping the back of a check is perfectly legal, little boy. Many people do it to save time. You see in this case, instead of writing out his name, Krusty has stamped the name of his Cayman Islands holding corporation on... Hmm... excuse me a minute...
+The Internal Revenue Service presents Herschel Krustofsky's Clown-related Entertainment Show.
+Oh, I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret illegal account. Oh, crap, I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap, I shouldn't have said it was a secret... Oh, crap, I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! It's too hot today.
+Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square!
+Sorry, the bank is close-- Oh, kid, gosh, I meant to tell you: Turns out that Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history. And they nailed him, all thanks to you.
+Some might say you're a hero, kid. Not me, however. I love Krusty.
+Ladies and gentlemen: Krusty the Clown!... was arrested today for massive tax fraud. Krusty's years of tax avoision would never have -- "Avoision" -- it's a crime. Look it up! ... would never have... I don't say "evasion," I say "avoision." ... would never have come to light if not for a crafty little boy named Bart Simpson.
+Krusty's my hero! How could I do this to him?
+It is a tragedy for all us kids. But, Bart, you can't beat yourself up.
+Yeah, there'll be enough people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.
+Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!
+Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.
+Garnish my celery?
+Please Krusty, no jokes.
+Who's joking?!! Oh, I don't know what you're saying! It all sounds so crazy to me!!
+It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid. Say 75% for forty years.
+But I don't plan to live that long!
+Well, then, we'd better make it 95%.
+Goodnight, Moe!
+Hey, hey, kids! Now that the Feds are calling the shots, this show's gotta be a lot more cost-effective. So we had to cut down on the frills -- like sets, props, costumes, and Sideshow Mel. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun. For example... I sure wish somebody would give me a banana cream pie... Yeah?!...
+I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well, throw something!
+Um, I'll have four Tax Burgers, one IRS-Wich -- withhold the lettuce -- three dependent-sized sodas and a FICAccino.
+Fill out schedule B. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
+Hey Marge -- what were your gambling losses last year?
+Seven hundred dollars.
+They took my money, they wrecked my show, they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot -- but at least I still got my memories. Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.
+And now lot number 66: a handmade leather suitcase. Carried by the Krustofsky family upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902. A priceless heirloom and historic piece of Krustiana. What am I bid?
+40 cents!
+I got 40 cents... Sold for 40 cents!
+40 cents? Ach, my Grampa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran!
+Lot 67: 32 cartons of pornography.
+10 cents!
+12 cents to our phone bidder in Japan. Any advance?
+All I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography.
+Sold for 12 cents.
+Oh, my beloved pornography! I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to bed.
+How much for Krusty's bed?
+Half a buck!
+Goodnight, everybody!
+And now, lot 2,380: Krusty's private plane, the "I'M-ON-A-ROLLA GAY."
+But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night he looked out the window and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.
+Hey, Selma, that plane would go great with your new suitcase.
+Nah. I just bought it to soak my feet in.
+Krusty? Hi. Is it okay if I sit down here?
+Go ahead, kid. Knock yourself out.
+I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty. But, you know, my mom says God never closes a door without opening a window.
+No offense, kid, but your mom's a dingbat. There's no silver lining here. I was a big cheese -- a huge cheese! But now look at me! I gotta ride the bus like a schnook! I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot! I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure!
+It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong. As long as you're on TV, people will respect you.
+Respect?! What good is respect without the moolah to back it up? Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris, research scientists drinking champagne. I tried to drink a Coke on the bus and they took away my pass! That's no life for a famous clown!
+Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face.
+Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.
+Shiva H. Vishnu! Where is that noise coming from?
+I must say, I've had a lovely evening, Agnes. I don't suppose I could come in for a cup of--
+Seymour!
+Mother?! Superintendent Chalmers?!!
+Skinner!
+What I wouldn't give for something to interrupt this awkward moment.
+That'll do nicely.
+You gotta hand it to Krusty.
+Yeah, even with all his problems, he's still willing to do something unbelievably dangerous just to entertain his fans.
+Aw, that's my Krusty. I got a feeling he'll be allll-right.
+Oh my God! Krusty's shoes!
+Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around! Don't be shy, crowd around!
+Ladies and gentlemen... Krusty the Clown is dead!
+I can't believe Krusty is really gone.
+Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in Heaven right now, laughing it up with all the other celebrities -- John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin... I wish I were dead.
+We're gathered to mourn the passing of Herschel Shmoikel Krustofsky, beloved entertainer and dear friend. Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such show business funerals as "Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye," and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge." Now... Krusty's closest friend and sidekick, Sideshow Mel.
+I'll miss you, Krusty -- I and all the other Sideshows... except Sideshow Bob. But in the midst of our sorrow, we can take comfort in the fact that your elevated blood alcohol level probably helped you burn up quicker. Since you left us no earthly remains, it is my sad duty to unveil this simple memorial.
+Next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners: Bob Newhart.
+See... to tell you the truth, I'm just... I'm killing time here, I was waiting for uh, for a different funeral to start.
+I'll handle it. Bob Newhart everybody!
+Bart, you're seeing Krusty everywhere because you want to tell him you're sorry for causing his death. Would it help if I told you you're not responsible for Krusty's death?
+Yes. Yes it would.
+Uh... um, though I started my career several years before uh, Krusty, so I could never really have learned anything directly from him, still... I think... in a way, in a very meaningful way, that I... all of us... have learned from him. in that is... by being a clown on television for so many years... even though you know, many of us, we didn't watch his show... Thank you.
+Well, that's the funeral, folks. We'll be sitting shiva at the Friar's Club at 7 p.m. and again at 10. You must be over 18 for the 10 o'clock -- It gets a little blue.
+And so Herschel Krustofsky is gone. But not forgotten. Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. Postal patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs: One of Krusty's heartwarming smile... and one of his fiery death.
+By a nearly 2 to 1 vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.
+Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.
+Krusty!
+Mom! I just saw Krusty!
+Yes, dear. In your mind.
+No, on the street.
+On the street in your mind.
+Why won't you believe me?!
+Sweetheart, maybe you just want Krusty to be alive so badly, you think you see him everywhere. I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.
+...and these pills will help with the queasiness.
+Krusty?! Doctor Hibbert, who was that man?
+Now Bart, telling you would violate the patient/doctor privilege, just as if I were to tell you that Jaspser here has five seconds to live.
+What'd he say?
+He said I'm next!
+Am I going crazy? I'm seeing Krusty everywhere.
+Ye olde toast.
+Well I can't. You'll just have to learn to live with your mental problem.
+Wait a minute! All those things I saw -- there's a connection! The truck full of nets and buckets, the queasy guy, the lobsters... they all point to one thing. Follow me.
+Arrr, I've got some customers. Call me back, Ishmael. Ahoy there, minnows.
+Ahoy! Have you seen this man?
+Arrr, that's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. Pete! Ye got some customers!
+No. We're looking for this man, Krusty the Clown.
+Narrr, narrr, narrr.
+It's hopeless, Bart. We've searched up and down these docks, from Pier One to that Pier 1 by Pier Seventeen.
+Lisa! Look! A signature with stars around it, just like Krusty's!
+"Rory B. Bellows, Slip Eight!" Let's go!
+Not a quarter!! Arrr, he'll be dancing for hours!
+Are you Rory B. Bellows?
+How about Krusty the Clown?
+Sorry. I don't do impressions.
+Well, if you're not Krusty, how come you have the exact same signature as him?
+I'm Rory Bellows, I tell you. And I've got a lot of corroborating evidence... over here... by the throttle.
+You know, you two coulda said something 'steada letting me make an ass of myself.
+Hey! You've got a pacemaker scar just like Krusty!
+And Krusty's superfluous third nipple!
+Why won't you leave me alone, kid? Can't you see I don't want to be Krusty anymore? That's why I faked my death.
+But we saw your plane crash...
+Yeah, but I wasn't in it...
+Just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane into a carefully placed net.
+So now that we've blown your cover, I guess you've gotta come back and do your show again!
+Or kill us.
+I won't be coming back, kids. I've got a sweet life here. The sea air is clearing my lungs, the sun is toasting my pale skin a healthy brown, and most important, I learned that I don't need money to be happy. All that high living just distracted me from my true calling in life: salvaging sunken barges for scrap iron. Sorry, kids, there's nothing left for me on dry land anymore.
+But Krusty, what about all the kids who depend on you to brighten up their afternoons? Are you going to turn your back on them?
+C'mon, Lis, Krusty doesn't want our attention anymore. Let's go worship somebody who has the guts to be a celebrity.
+Yeah, Krusty doesn't want to be a clown. He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo.
+Krusty's tired of having phonies around, pretending to be his friends. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.
+It could happen. Who needs friends? The incessant beep of the Global Positioning System is all the companionship I need.
+Tell me where you are now, you bastard!
+All right, I admit it. I miss the phonies -- but that's all I miss. That and the Shirley Jones/Marty Engles New Years Eve Party.
+What about that great feeling you get from knowing you're better than regular people?
+What about: being an illiterate TV clown who's still more respected than all the scientists, doctors and educators in the country put together?
+Yeahhhh, I'm not gonna let those guys hog all the respect while I'm out here on some stinkin' tub.
+That's just what those eggheads want. Well, forget it, Poindexter, 'cause Krusty's back in town!
+So Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem?
+Don't sweat it. The life of "Rory B. Bellows" is insured for a surprisingly large amount.
+1796. A fiercely determined band of pioneers leaves Maryland after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible. Their destination: New Sodom. This is their story.
+This is going to be great!
+I hope they show the time where they traded guns to the Indians for corn, and then the Indians shot them and took the corn.
+Egad, a monster! / It's a horrible fiend! / It's some sort of land cow!
+Stand back, fellow settlers.
+Ye've saved our fledgling community!
+Mr. Springfield, how can I hope to achieve such greatness?
+A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
+Springfield rules! / Way to go, Springfield! / Etc.
+"Embiggens." Hmm, I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
+I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
+Now as you all know, Springfield's 200th birthday is only a week away. Every class will do its part to make our local bicentennial just as memorable as our National Bicentennial. Of course, you children are too young to remember that -- with the possible exception of Kearney.
+Those tall ships really lifted the nation's spirits after Watergate.
+To celebrate our bicentennial, all twenty of you will write an essay about Jebediah Springfield, and the best eighteen will be put on file in the school library, available to anyone who requests them.
+Can we do illustrations?
+Hey, they need volunteers to play old-timey people in the parade. Look, I can be a butter churner, a typhoid carrier... an apprentice! I think I'll be an apprentice, Marge.
+What kind of apprentice?
+That's for my master to decide.
+How about town crier? You'd be great at that.
+You think so?
+Yeah, Dad! You're a big fat loudmouth. And you can walk when you have to.
+Ah! Well, if you kids believe in me that much, I'll give it my best shot.
+Dangerous river crossings threatened life and limb, but helped our founding fathers save on bridge tolls.
+Excuse me. I didn't mean to startle you, but I do love to talk Jebediah. Even when I'm drinking my chicory.
+I'm the curator, Hollis Hurlbut.
+Hi, I'm Lisa Simpson. I'm here to research a report on Jebediah.
+Oh, you're in for a treat. You know, some historians consider Jebediah Springfield a minor patriot. But I think you'll find he's easily the equal of William Dawes or even Samuel Otis.
+Congratulations, Ned, you are our new town crier.
+May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
+Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye! I declare myself pickled tink about Springfield's Bicen-ciddily-ti-ten-toodily-rin-tin-tennial Day!
+You su-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme that!
+Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson and he shalt rock thy world!
+Good God, he is fabulous!
+He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance!
+I was right about Jebediah, and now I can prove it.
+Top-notch criering, I admit. But the hat and bell belong to Flanders, so no dice.
+Aw, they're just family heirlooms. That shouldn't stand in the way of Homer takin' my job and--
+Less chat, more hat.
+Woo hoo! Hear ye! Hear ye! The Homer Broadcasting System is on the air! All hollering, all the time! I'm gonna make the...
+You're to restrict your cryering to the parade, and selected pre-approved publicity events.
+This case holds our most treasured exhibit... objects owned and used by Jebediah. Here's his fife, upon which he sounded the sweet note of freedom; his hatchet, with which he hacked at the chains of oppression; and his chamber pot.
+Excuse me. My microwave johnnycakes are ready.
+"The Secret Confessions of Jebediah Springfield?" "Know ye who read this: there is more to my life than history records."
+Firstly, I did not tame the legendary buffalo. It was already tame. I merely shot it. Secondly, I have not always been known as Jebediah Springfield. Until 1796, I was Hans Sprüngfeld, murderous pirate. And the half-wits of this town will never learn the truth. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha--
+"--ha ha ha ha ha." Oh my God! Our town hero is a fraud! "I write this confession so that my infamy will live on long after my body has succumbed to my infectious diphtheria."
+Heeere's johnnycakes! Is everything okay? You look a bit flushed.
+Oh, it's just the excitement of studying Jebediah.
+Sounds like you've come down with a serious case of "Jebeditis."
+Just when I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis.
+You had arthritis?
+Uh, no.
+Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast?
+I don't understand thee, Marge.
+What would you say if I told you Jebediah Springfield wasn't as great as he's cracked up to be? Look.
+Jebediah was really a vicious pirate named Hans Sprüngfeld. His tongue was bitten off by a Turk in a grog house fight!
+No tongue, eh? How did he talk and eat and laugh and love?
+He had a prosthetic tongue made out of silver.
+Yes, that'd do.
+He was one of the evillest men of the 1780's. He even tried to kill George Washington!
+The dastard!
+Gimme all your money!
+I got the white stars you wanted, but I couldn't find any red hearts, yellow moons, or green clovers.
+Well, I'll use it, but I'm not paying for it.
+The next time Hans Sprüngfeld was seen, he had changed his name to Jebediah Springfield.
+Lisa, honey, when my family first came to this state, they had a choice of living in Springfield or Stenchburg. You know why they chose Springfield? Because everyone knows Jebediah Springfield was a true American hero. End of story.
+I believe you, honey.
+You do?
+Of course I do. You're always right about this type of thing, and for once, I want in on the ground floor.
+Aw, thanks, Dad.
+Ralph, A. Janey, A. And Lisa, for your essay, "Jebediah Springfield: Superfraud," F.
+But it's all true!
+This is nothing but dead white male bashing from a P.C. thug. It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband.
+Well, nice talking to you.
+Miss Hoover thought I made the whole thing up. She called me a P.C. thug.
+I've been called a greasy thug too, and it never stops hurting. So here's what we're gonna do: grease ourselves up real good, and trash that place with a baseball bat.
+That won't help, Dad. No one's ever going to believe me.
+But you have proof! We could go get that confession out of Jebediah's fife.
+We could?
+Come on, we can use the baseball bat to smash open the case.
+No baseball bat.
+Hi, Mr. Hurlbut.
+Oh, you're back. And you've brought a friend.
+Town Crier. I'd like to ask you a few questions. One: where's the fife, and two: give me the fife.
+Hey, stop! I've got nothing but respect for the office of town crier, but this is well outside your jurisdiction.
+Oh yeah? Well, put this in your fife and smoke it!
+What the...?
+That's Jebediah's secret confession. It proves he was a fraud.
+I think, Lisa, that you've been taken in by an obvious forgery. Unfortunately, historical research is plagued by this sort of hoax. This so-called "Confession" is just as phony as the Howard Hughes will, the Hitler Diaries, or the Emancipation Retraction.
+But it explains why there's no record of Jebediah before 1795! He was Hans Sprüngfeld until then!
+That's preposterous! Now get out -- you're banned from this Historical Society! You and your children and your childrens' children! For three months.
+I'm not going to give up. I refuse to believe that everyone refuses to believe the truth.
+I'd like 25 copies on goldenrod, 25 on canary, 25 on saffron, and 25 on paella.
+Okay, one hundred yellow.
+You don't have to help me with this, Dad.
+Go! Go!
+Oh, sure I do. I always believe in helping the little guy, and you're the littlest guy I know.
+Question: is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
+No, it's Homer.
+Well, then I will thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, "Homer." And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know that you stole my idea.
+I'm just waitin' for my kid.
+Hi, Apu. Can I put this poster in your window?
+Well, of course you can, you little pixie! Woo! You are just as sweet as the stix which bear your name.
+No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Take that down! As a semi-legal immigrant, your poster could land me in a predicament as red-hot as the candies which bear that name.
+He wouldn't let me put it up.
+Okay, well, that's not gonna stop us. I know a much better way to get attention...
+Hear ye, hear ye, my daughter has something to tell you about Jebediah Springfield.
+Aw, the little cutie wants to do something cute... Shut up, ya bums, shut up! Go ahead, angel.
+Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil, blood-thirsty pirate who hated this town!
+Good God. Homer, y'know I support most any prejudice you can name, but your hero-phobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. Barney, show 'em the exit.
+There's an exit?
+"Evil blood-thirsty pirate"... Hello, Town Jubilation Committee? I got something that's going to make you a lot less jubilant.
+Can't you understand, little girl? Jebediah was no criminal.
+That's right. The reason they say he had a silver tongue is because he was such a fine speaker.
+That's a myth that got mixed up with the truth.
+You are tampering with forces you can't understand. We have major corporations sponsoring this event.
+I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate!
+A pirate?! Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long John Silver's!
+Well, I see no way of settling this. I say we imprison them for the duration of our Bicentennial.
+There is one way: get the silver tongue. If Jebediah's who I say he is, then it should still be in his grave.
+Well, yes, but human decency prevents--
+DIG HIM UP! Dig up that corpse!! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong!
+Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!
+Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
+Now, Lisa, when you see there's no silver tongue in there, will you stop trying to ruin Jebediah's reputation?
+What do we win if the tongue is there?
+Credibility.
+What a jip.
+Jebediah Springfield has been replaced with a skeleton!
+No. That's the skeleton of Jebediah.
+Gotcha, gotcha. Okay, ah, well, let's start looking for that silver tongue.
+Don't forget to look in his shoes. When I lose something, sometimes it turns up in my shoes.
+Actually, if it's anywhere, it would be lodged in the sinus.
+Alright, here goes... Forgive us, Jebediah, we mean no disrespect.
+Well, that settles that. There is no silver tongue. Is there, Bonesy?
+Oh, I wish, Chief! With that kinda dough, I could buy me some eyeballs! Ha ha ha!
+That's the spirit, Bonesy. Why don't you sing a song for the nice people?
+Alright. "Camptown ladies sing this song / Doo-dah / Doo-dah / Etc."
+I was so sure...
+Hear ye, hear ye, everybody makes mistakes. Let's go home.
+Not so fast, Simpson. This foul business was all your fault.
+By the power vested in me, I hereby strip you of your ceremonial bell--
+No! Nooooooo!!
+-- and tri-corner hat.
+You will have the hat cleaned, and then return it.
+Oh, Dad, I'm really sorry. I know how much you wanted to be in the parade.
+Oh, it's not your fault, honey. I'm supposed to be the responsible one. I shouldn't have let you let me get carried away.
+Why did you dig up the bones of the past? Why did you disturb the ghosts of history?
+I-I-I...
+General Washington?!
+You did some good work exposing Jebediah, Lisa. Don't stop now. There's just one piece left in the puzzle.
+But I've caused so much trouble already, General Washington. I can't go on.
+We had quitters in the Revolution, too. We called them "Kentuckians." Well, I'll just have to find another little girl to be President. What's your friend Janey's number?
+No! Not Janey! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys!
+Oh, let me help you, George Washington, I still want to help you.
+"I want to help you, George Washington?" Even your dreams are square.
+Can you open my milk, Mommy?
+I'm not Mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.
+The missing piece of the puzzle... I've got it!
+You!? What are you doing here?
+Slow down!
+Oh, please, not that claptrap again. Haven't you hurt Jebediah enough with your childish tales of pirate ships and fisticuffs and a silver tongue that can't be found?
+That's because you stole it!
+That's a lie! I'm an antiquarian, dammit! It's my job to seek out the truth!
+But when you found the truth, you couldn't take it! You couldn't stand that you'd devoted your life to a fraud! So you covered it up! Didn't you? Didn't you?!
+No! No, tha... that's preposterous... I... I mean I couldn't... You... you can't...
+Stop it! Where's the silver tongue?!
+I thought no one would ever find it.
+When I pried open the coffin, it was there: that shiny tongue, sticking out of his mouth, razzing my entire career, my... my life. Before the dust could settle, I pocketed it. But I thought I had you fooled.
+You did. Until I realized that Jebediah's confession was saying more than he meant it to.
+How else could he have gotten this?
+Sprüngfeld must have taken it with him when he ran off after the fight...
+Exactly.
+This celebration is a sham and it's all my fault. We've got to get the word out to every man, woman and child in town.
+Stop! Stop everything! Stop the parade!
+What's going on here?
+This is highly unorthodox!
+This is Lisa Simpson. She's discovered something very important about Jebediah Springfield that you need to hear.
+People of Springfield, I, uh, I don't know quite how to say this...
+Don't be shy, little girl. Think of Jebediah, and the words'll come.
+I did a lot of research on Jebediah Springfield and...
+I think I can pick her off.
+Wait, let's see what she has to say.
+Excellent.
+But what would you do without me, Sir?
+Jebediah Springfield was... Jebediah was... great. I, um, just wanted to say that I've done some research and, uh, he was great.
+Well said! / Great speech! / Jebediah would be proud of you.
+Why didn't you tell them?
+Because the myth of Jebediah has value, too. It's brought out the best in everyone in this town. Regardless of who said it, "a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man."
+Well, hey, it's Homer! Good to see ya, neighb--
+Get lost!
+Hear ye, HEAR YE, HEAR YE!!
+He is not the official town crier! Police! Do something!
+Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. Let him march, boys. Let the man march.
+Testing... Testing for Mr. Burns. Here you go, Sir. I've warmed up the crowd for you.
+"Welcome employees!" "Come in!" "The whole night's entertainment is on me" -- "Monty Burns!"
+Welcome to an evening of exciting quarter mile action !
+Our first race is a benefit for daredevil Lance Murdock , who's hospitalized with cirrhosis of the liver !
+All right! Liver!
+Boy, it sure would be fun to carpool in one of those, huh, kids? I'd be a real hot-rod mama, wouldn't I? Huh? Huh?
+You missed the race, mama.
+I wish I'd pay more attention.
+Smithers, this beer isn't working. I don't feel any younger or "funkier."
+I'll switch to the tablespoon, Sir.
+Coming up next, our feature race: The Nuclear Power Plant Championship .
+Ah, at last! Smithers, fetch the bi-oculars.
+Damnation! Tell them to go slower!
+Yes sir.
+Hi, guys. Could we keep it in first gear for a couple of laps?
+Oh, this novelty foam hand is ludicrously oversized. Go swap it for a smaller one.
+It is a bit ostentatious, Sir. I'll be right back.
+Hey, Burnsie! Ha! -- This was some swell shindig. Thank you very much.
+Smithers! What's happening?!
+I had a great time and... and I just want to shake your hand...
+You're the greatest!
+Smithers! Help!
+It doesn't seem as funny to me, but what do I know?
+Smithers!
+Oh my God!
+You should've seen the murderous glint in his eye, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzeld bread.
+I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault.
+Oh, don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly I always had my mace.
+Don't let me off the hook that easily, Sir. I failed you and I'll never forgive myself. Never! Never! Never!
+Never! Never! Never!
+Good morning, Sir. To make up for my failure last night, I've alphabetized your breakfast. You can start with the waffles, and work your way up to the zwieback. And to prevent newsprint from rubbing off on your hands, I've laminated today's newspaper.
+I appreciate the thought, but my pen won't write on this. How am I supposed to do the "Junior Jumble?"
+Oh, I can't even grovel properly! I'm a buffoon! I don't deserve to live on your planet anymore!
+Pull yourself together, man! I dare say you're in need of a long vacation.
+No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you, I'll wither and die.
+That's a risk I'm willing to take.
+Tchah! I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me. You see? Now I insist you take a vacation just as soon as a temporary substitute can be found.
+I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I search the employee evaluations for the word "incompetent..."
+714 names! Huh. Better be more specific. "Lazy", "Clumsy", "Dimwitted", "Monstrously Ugly".
+Aw, nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
+I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
+You know, Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm.
+You know, Homer, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real shot in the arm.
+Mo-omm! I just said that!
+Sor-ry. Next time get your own darned corn.
+Um, is this the chair I'll be sitting on?
+Yah. Now I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job, but actually it's just 2800 small jobs.
+Uh-huh. But this is the chair, right?
+Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing.
+Montgomery Burns' office... Oh, hello Mrs. Burns... I'll see if your son is available.
+Mr. Burns has a mother!? She must be a hundred million years old!
+She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.
+I'm sorry, Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a very important meeting and can't be disturbed.
+Dough-nuts?! I told you I don't like ethnic food!
+Here. Tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
+Uh-huh... Okay, I'll give him the message. Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
+Heh, heh. Taft, you old dog...
+Really, Smithers, I'll be fine! I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway?
+Uh, Homer Simpson, Sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7-G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way.
+Simpson, eh?
+Uh, Mr. Smithers? I don't understand 2700 of my new duties.
+Well, the van's leaving. Which one duty is giving you the most trouble?
+Um, what do I do in case of fire?
+Sorry, can't hear you. Bye-bye!
+Just my luck.
+Good lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation.
+Uh, Smithers already left, Sir. I'm his replacement, Homer Simpson.
+Ah, yes, Simpson. I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
+But I think the dodo went extinct...
+Get going! And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
+Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things? The things?
+Lousy two-legged pants.
+Homie, it's 4:30 in the morning. "Little Rascals" isn't on 'til 6.
+I know. I'm taping it. I want to get to Mr. Burns' house bright and early to make his breakfast.
+Ah, poor Homie. Poor, poor...
+Hmmm. One of these must be a breakfast maker.
+Well, it's my job to cook him breakfast, and I'm gonna cook the best damned breakfast he ever ate!
+Uh... they all won.
+Eh? What about my options?
+Well, you can either get up or go back to sleep.
+I believe I'll get up.
+Scrub harder. Got to get that layer of dead skin off.
+I think the fangs today.
+Simpson? Simpson?
+Did you get that report on the accounting department?
+Yes, Sir, I did.
+The accounting department is located on the third floor. Its hours are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. The head of this department is a Mr. Johnson or Johnstone.
+Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
+Hello. Mr. Burns' office.
+Is it about my cube?
+It's Mr. Smithers. He's calling for you.
+How is everything going there, sir?... Well, I have a lot of free time on my hands. If you Fed Ex'd me your mail, I'd be happy to open it and return it to you.
+Everything's fine, Smithers. But this Simpson fellow seems to be getting dumber by the minute. I've never seen anything quite like it... Anyhoo, you just enjoy your vacation.
+Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick!
+Yes! Yes, sir!
+Now get cracking on my long division. And don't forget to show your work, Simpson.
+I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir.
+Bart, leave Simpson alone.
+Simpson! I need a ride to the library.
+Kids, stop exploiting your father. Homie, why don't you lie down and relax.
+No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.
+Simpson! Lie down!
+Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.
+Simpson!
+The telephone has been ringing for some time. Answer it.
+Yello?... It's for you.
+Mr. Burns, 48 rings! Are you all right? What did Simpson do to you?
+Nothing other than drive me to distraction with his incompetent boobery. Terrible at everything. A complete moron. But I'm not really free to talk right now.
+Look, stop calling me and start enjoying your vacation. Remember, I want to see lots of pictures when you get back.
+Ah... actually, Sir, picture taking is not allowed at this particular resort. Whoops, I've got to go now -- there's a line forming behind me.
+60 watts! What do you think this is -- a tanning salon?
+I asked for light starch on my nightcap!
+You call this Postum?!
+You call this a tax return?!
+You call this a super computer?!
+You're a travesty of a truke of an assistant.
+Is there something wrong, Homie?
+Except...
+Except... I killed Mr. Burns.
+What happened, Dad?
+I punched Mr. Burns right in his 104 year-old face.
+Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really really hurt him.
+Okay. Maybe everything's all right. Maybe if you go apologize, he won't even fire you. If he's alive.
+Mr. Burns?
+I'm really sorry I hit you, Mr. Burns. Here, let me put some salt on that eye.
+No, please! I can't bear another thrashing. Just leave me be.
+Yes, sir.
+Must call Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast.
+I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it... Let's see... Smithers... "S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S". Success! It's ringing!
+Moe's Tavern.
+I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylon.
+Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name, Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you... when I catch you, I'm going to pull out your eyes and shove 'em up your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you. Okay? Then I'm going to use your tongue to paint my boat.
+Oh, Smithers, if only you could hear me.
+Something tells me Mr. Burns needs me.
+Praise God, I think the thug has finally gone home for the day.
+Now I can make my escape...
+Hi, Mr. Burns. Do you want your coffee now?
+Uh... no! I'm... uh... making it myself!
+Hear that? The percolations are imminent! No need to come in! Cease your ingress!
+Stay back, Homer! Approach no further. Coffee's already made. I stomped the beans myself.
+Well, can I at least drive you home, Mr. Burns? It's five o'clock.
+No... I thought... I thought, uh, I'd chauffeur myself this evening! Yes, that's what I thought. How difficult can it be? I'm sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix.
+I can't believe it! All my life I've avoided doing things for myself, but I'm actually enjoying this. Plus I'm making incredible time.
+Beep beep! Out of my way, I'm a motorist!
+Ahh, that's some nice reckless driving, Mr. B!
+Would you like me to shred those environmental reports for you, sir?
+Already taken care of.
+Cappuccino, Simpson?
+Ahoy-hoy? No, you have the wrong number. This is 5-2-4-6. I suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine. Not at all. Ahoy.
+Mr. Burns, is there anything at all I can do for you?
+No, Homer. You've already done more for me than any man. Your brutal attack forced me to fend for myself. I realize now that being waited on hand and foot is okay for your average Joe, but it's not for me. I want to thank you.
+Thank you, thank you, thank you!
+Oh my God! I knew I shouldn't have left!
+Ah, welcome back, Smithers. Say, do you know Homer Simpson? He pitched in around the office while you were away. Bang up job, Simpson, but I guess it's back to your trusty post in sector 7-G.
+You heard the man, Simpson.
+Ah, and my dear, dear Smithers... you're no longer needed at all. You're fired. Ta!
+You shouldn't've gone away on vacation.
+Cheer up, Homie.
+I just feel terrible about getting Mr. Smithers fired. That job was all he had. Imagine how you'd feel, Marge, if you got fired from the... those things... that you do.
+Quick, Mom! Whip up a cake before Dad fires you!
+Don't worry, Dad. Mr. Smithers is a resilient man. I'm sure he can get a great job at any corporation he wants.
+Meet your new piano mover.
+We'll going to have to put a steel rod where your spine was.
+Oh, will I ever move a piano again?
+Oh, my goodness gracious, no.
+Get ready for exciting quarter mile action at the Springfield Dragstrip. It'll be motorized mayhem !... Do we need all these "mayhems?" We do. All right, fair enough. I suppose you know your business. Get ready for fun ... The people are already here. We don't need to keep hustling them like this, do we? Hey, let go of me! Where are you throwing me?
+Uh, hello. You had a "help wanted" sign in the window?
+Uh, yeah, I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.
+I'll just wait out back until then.
+I look forward to working with you!
+Mr. Smithers, wait!
+You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices: You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job, like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back.
+You're right! But I'm going to need your help.
+Oh,... my... God!...
+Beer delivery. Just sign here-- Oh, no, it's you!!
+Okay, I gotcha covered.
+Mr. Burns may have mastered 2,799 of my 2,800 duties. But I'll wager dollars to donuts he still can't handle a call from his mother.
+You're on.
+Hello, Mrs. Burns? This is Waylon Smithers. I have your son Montgomery on the line.
+That improvident lackwit. Always too busy striding about his atom mill to call his own mother. I'll give him "what-fors" till he cries brassafrax!
+Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him, I'll rush in and save the day.
+Got it.
+I'm transferring a call into you, Mr. Burns.
+No problemo.
+Ahoy-hoy? Hoy?
+Hello, Mr. Burns? This is your mother.
+Gah! Oh, hello, Mater. Uh... Sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could've known you'd pull through and... live for another five decades? Oh, is my face red...
+Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns!
+Son, this is Mrs. Burns! I just called to say I don't love you. You are a bad son, Montel!
+Impersonate my mother, will you? And you, Smithers! You must have put him up to it! I'm glad I fired you.
+You really blew it this time, Smithers.
+Stop that! Stop that at once! You're fighting!
+Stop fighting like a girl, Simpson.
+Stop it! Stop it, I say!
+I'll teach you how to use a phone, you boob!
+It's for you.
+I'll show you.
+Here comes the endangered condor into the power lines.
+I've got Bobo, hot from the dryer! Careful not to burn yourself on his eye.
+I don't need you to do any of this. I'm totally self-sufficient now. What I would like, though, is a Spanish peanut.
+It's a remarkable thing. In the short time you were gone, I learned to be completely self reli--
+-- ant. Oh, and as for that brutish fellow who knocked me out the window... see that he gets what's coming to him.
+I already have, sir.
+What did you get that for?
+For knocking Mr. Burns out a third story window.
+Makes sense to me.
+Did he die?
+What am I -- a doctor?
+We now return to our 48-hour Itchy and Scratchy Diamond Jubilee Marathon, celebrating 75 years of rib-tickling brutality and hilarious atrocities.
+Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
+Will do.
+Tonight: a stow-away bear is terrorizing Space Shuttle astronauts! But first: a sneak peek at tomorrow's Itchy and Scratchy parade!
+Hello, everybody. I'm here live on Main Street, where dedicated fans are already staking out the best seats for the big Anniversary parade.
+Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
+Bye, kids. On your way back, pick up a six pack of beer.
+Bart, Lisa! It's 11 o'clock at night. Where do you think you're going?
+Downtown.
+We've got to get seats for the Itchy and Scratchy parade.
+Shhh. That's Teddy Roosevelt.
+I won't have my children sitting alone on a cold, dangerous street all night. Homer, you go, too.
+Oh, why can't they just take the gun?
+Hey, the comic book store's still open!
+Save our seats!
+Will do.
+Hey, sister, just gimme a chance to get next to you...
+Hey, my threads, baby!
+How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy before?
+Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus. This is a bootleg copy of "Itchy and Scratchy Meet Fritz The Cat." Because of its frank depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile intellects such as yours. Now, Toodle ooo.
+Cool. I'll give you ten bucks for that.
+Are you the creator of "Hi & Lois?" Because you are making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly 750 dollars American.
+It's valuable, huh?
+Oooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go! For the good of the city!
+Aw, nertz.
+Which one's Itchy? The car?
+The mouse.
+Oh. I guess that's not him then.
+Represented on this next float is Roger Myers Sr., who founded his company in 1921 and struck it big when he teamed up a mouse named Itchy with a cat named Scratchy.
+Here we see him creating the two comical characters out of thoughts he plucks from his head.
+And that man waving from the front of the float is his son, Roger Myers, Jr. Isn't this just the most fun you've ever had in your life, Dave?
+Yes, Suzanne. It is.
+Oh, forget this. I'm outta here.
+And now the parade has entered Bumtown! Oh, it's all just so exciting, Dave!
+This certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route.
+Hey, wait up!
+Get outta Bumtown, ya no-talent bum!
+Show some respect, man! That "no talent" created Itchy and Scratchy.
+He didn't create Itchy. I did.
+He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
+You invented Itchy? The "Itchy and Scratchy" Itchy?
+Sure. In fact, I invented the whole concept of cartoon violence. Before I came along, all cartoon animals did was play the ukulele. I changed all that.
+Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
+So I'm a liar, am I?
+Itchy The Lucky Mouse In: Manhattan Madness.
+That's the first Itchy cartoon ever made. And it was made by me, Chester J. Lampwick. Find me a ninety-year-old projector and I'll prove it to you.
+Itchy Runs Afoul Of An Irishman.
+Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!
+C'mon Itchy! Kill him! Kill that guy!
+A chance for more mis...
+Look at that fat oaf.
+I can't believe it. That was Itchy all right. You did invent him! When people see this you'll be rich and famous!
+That was a nice film I had once. Last time I try to impress a four year old. Well, see ya, kid.
+You can't just go back to the gutter! You created Itchy. You should be a millionaire!
+Eh, Roger Myers wouldn't give me a cent in the Twenties, why would he give me anything now?
+You asked Roger Myers, Sr. for money. Roger Myers, Jr. is in charge of the studio now. He's a good man. Every Christmas, he goes down to the pound and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives them to a hungry family.
+Studio's closed until Tuesday. Animators have AA on Monday.
+Hmm. Well, you can stay at my house until then. My parents won't mind, because they won't even know about it.
+All right, the coast is clear.
+There's a box you can sleep in.
+Thanks.
+Just move that cot out of the way.
+Do you know what Radon is?
+Goodnight.
+Spare change?
+Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement. And Dad's upstairs.
+Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.
+He's not a regular bum, Mom. He's a genius bum. He created Itchy. And he's the father of cartoon violence.
+He just needs to stay here till tomorrow. We're going down to Itchy and Scratchy Studios to pick up his check.
+Well, if it's just for one more night.
+THEN I'LL CRUSH ALL OPPOSITION TO ME! / AND I'LL MAKE TED KENNEDY PAY / IF HE FIGHTS BACK / I'LL SAY / THAT HE'S GAY.
+800 billion dollars.
+Well that brought back a lot of memories.
+All right, gentlemen. I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a $1,000 retainer.
+$1,000! But your ad says "No Money Down!"
+They got this all screwed up.
+So, you don't work on a contingency basis?
+No, money down! Oops, shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either.
+Oh dear.
+Hey Dad, can I have $1,000?
+All right... Wait a minute. For what?
+To pay for a lawyer for my bum.
+Forget it.
+I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it.
+Those corn muffins were lousy!
+Paint my chicken coop!
+Make me!
+That does it. One of them has to go.
+Okay. Grampa.
+No. The b-u-m.
+Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. There's an easy way to get rid of Chester without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter.
+And all it will cost you is $1,000.
+Exhibit A: "Steamboat Itchy" dated 1928 -- the very first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon. And the credits clearly state: Written, Directed, and Created by Roger Myers; Music by Roger Myers and George Gershwin; Produced by Roger Myers and Joseph P. Kennedy. Copyright 1928 by Roger Myers.
+You will also notice Mr. Myers' name, and copyright notice, on the original drawings of the other members of the Itchy and Scratchy family: Brown-Nose Bear, Disgruntled Goat, Flatulent Fox, Rich Uncle Skeleton, and Dinner Dog.
+My client's film predates all of those things, your honor.
+Oh, yes. I've forgotten. Your famous film. The one you destroyed before the trial and haven't been able to find another copy of. Oh, yes. That film.
+Yes. You don't have a copy do you?
+Krusty have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before?
+Yes I have.
+You have?
+I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it.
+Those blintzes were terrible!
+Paint my fence!
+Make me!
+You gimme back those blintzes then!
+Order! Order! We don't care about your blintzes.
+Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character--
+Objection.
+Sustained.
+Oof! If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today I think I'm going to scream.
+Objection.
+Sustained.
+Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all.
+He stole them all!...
+The only characters Myers could ever come up with were pathetic stick figures with the words "Sarcastic Horse" and "Manic Mailman" printed on them.
+And they stank. So he started stealing other people's characters.
+Are you saying, under oath, Mr. Myers, that your father didn't steal any of the characters associated with your studio?
+Good news, amendment! They ratified ya! You're in the U.S. Constitution!
+Mr. Hutz, we've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all?
+Well, Your Honor, we've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.
+Your honor, I move for dismissal.
+I've got it! Dad, give me $750!
+Keep the trial going. I'll be right back.
+Your honor, I'd like to call all of my surprise witnesses again.
+Thank you.
+I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else -- it was in the movie Mr. Lampwick showed me. Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919, nine years before Roger Myers made his first Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
+That could have been drawn by anyone at any time, your honor. There's no signature or date.
+Look under the frame, Brad!
+Careful... Careful...
+It's there!
+Hmmm. "To Roger Myers. Keep drawing -- your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent. Your pal Chester J. Lampwick. Sept. 3, 1919."
+Umm... How about... Ghostmutt?
+Oh yeah! Door's open, boys!
+The court rules in favor of Mr. Lampwick. Itchy and Scratchy Studios will pay a restitution of 800 billion dollars. Though that amount will probably come down a bit on appeal.
+We killed Itchy and Scratchy?
+Good riddance! Wanna go celebrate? I feel like liver and onions.
+What are you going to do with all your money, Mr. Lampwick?
+Well, first off, here's your $1,000 back for hiring that lawyer. And $750 for the drawing. And here's a couple of bucks for your trouble.
+Woo hoo! Look, Marge! A couple of bucks!
+As for the rest of it... I'm going to buy the one thing I've been dreaming of all the years I spent in the gutter... a solid gold house.
+Well, Itchy and Scratchy are gone, but here's a cartoon that tries to make learning fun. Sorry about this, kids, but stay tuned. We got some real good toy commercials comin' right up. I swear.
+Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?
+I'm not garbage... I'M AN AMENDMENT TO BE / YES, AN AMENDMENT TO BE / AND I'M HOPING THAT THEY'LL RATIFY ME / THERE'S A LOT OF FLAG-BURNERS WHO HAVE GOT TOO MUCH FREEDOM / I WANT TO MAKE IT LEGAL FOR POLICEMEN TO BEAT 'EM / 'CAUSE THERE'S LIMITS TO OUR LIBERTIES / LEAST I HOPE AND PRAY THAT THERE ARE / 'CAUSE THOSE LIBERAL FREAKS GO TOO FAR.
+But why can't we just make a law against flag-burning?
+Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution...
+...then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!
+Now you're catchin' on!
+What the hell is this?
+It's one of those campy 70's throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
+We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little...
+What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?
+So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence.
+Ow! We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back.
+And soon.
+You've got to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.
+The judge says it's okay as long as you pay Mr. Lampwick royalties.
+Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.
+Shoe shine, sir? Comb your hair for you? Sir?!
+Sir?! Sir?! Sir?!
+Okay, catch you on the way back. Oh, hi kids.
+Hi, Chester. Listen, would you pay to make more Itchy and Scratchy cartoons?
+You'll get more royalties.
+I don't need any more money. I'm not greedy. As long as I've got my health and my millions of dollars and my gold house and my rocket car, I don't need anything else.
+Yes, but...
+Not interested.
+Dad, can we have $183,000?
+What for?
+Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons.
+Oh... Forget it.
+I give up. There's nothing we can do.
+Yeah, I agree. You wanna start on trying to get Apu out of jail?
+Yes, well, technically everything worked out all right. But...
+Well... I wasn't the one who solved the problem and neither was Lisa. There's something unsettling about that.
+Wait, kids. You can't give up on Itchy and Scratchy. You're always so good at these things. Why, together you've reunited Krusty with his father, gotten Principal Skinner his job back, and helped Dr. Riviera perform open-heart surgery on your father. You've even foiled Sideshow Bob on five separate occasions, and he's an evil genius.
+You're right, Mom. I'm sure if we put our minds to it we can solve this one too.
+Bart! Look at this!
+What a perfect plan. Now Roger Myers' hotel is just around the--
+What the hell is going on?
+I don't know. But it looks like you might have a little competition all of a sudden.
+Thanks, everybody. But I couldn't have done all this without the help of my brainy sister Eliza.
+I, too, owe many thanks to Lester and Eliza. This is a great vindication for anybody who was ever taking a bath, went to get the paper, fell down, and had the door slam behind them and the doorknob break off.
+And I'd like to thank Lester for reuniting me with my estranged wife.
+I never even heard about that.
+I don't understand it. We're always the ones who solve these problems.
+I guess you don't need it now, but we had a plan too.
+You kids must be so happy. Your cute little cartoon friends are back on the air.
+Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge.
+"Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame" now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film "The Muppets Go Medieval."
+Oh, Sir Liesalot! I will!
+Unhand the swine, you swain! Come, piggy - back to Hamelot!
+Not now, frog! Me and Iron-Pants are just getting acquainted!
+Dad, what's a "muppet?"
+Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but, man... So to answer your question, I don't know.
+Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
+That's not a leather muppet, that's Troy McClure. Oh, back in the '70s, he was quite the teen heartthrob!
+Yeah, who'd've thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?
+What are you talking about?
+You know, his bizarre "personal" life? Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium? Why I heard...
+Homer! That's just an urban legend. People don't do that type of thing with fish. Troy McClure is a perfect gentlemen, like Bing Crosby or JFK. I wonder where Troy is now?
+All right, Captain Rush-Rush, out of the car.
+Oh, I'm seein' stars here!
+Uh, afraid not. License please.
+It says here you need corrective lenses. Put those glasses on, Mister!
+They do make you look kinda like a nerd. Tell ya what -- Just go down to the DMV tomorrow and try to pass that eye test. I'll tear up this ticket, but I'm uh, still gonna have to ask you for a bribe...
+Ohhh, you watching?
+How come no Chippendale's dancers ever come in to renew their licenses?
+They carpool. That's the problem.
+Hey! I came here to get this revoked!
+Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium.
+Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
+No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see...
+Fat Tony, please, no! I just ate a huge plate of dingamagoo.
+Oh, Troy McClure.
+You? Nonsense. You're Troy McClure. I remember you from such films as "Meet Joe Blow" and "Give My Remains to Broadway." Stars like you don't need glasses!
+Now, Mr. McClure, would you like to take off those glasses and read the top line?
+Mubble.
+All these celebrities on the walls! I just know a big star like you is up there somewhere.
+Well... uh I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from scratching my butt all day.
+Being a huge movie star must be good too. What are you working on now?
+Well, thanks for holding up your end of the bargain. I had a pretty good time.
+Hey, getta loada this! Troy McClure and what looks like a date!
+Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy McClure?
+Troy McClure? He's a washed-up movie star. He could be dating washed-up supermodels.
+Oh, I dunno. Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all...
+This changes everything. I'd pay to see him in a movie now. Heh! If only that were possible.
+Troy! My man! It's MacArthur Parker.
+Just checking in, my friend. So how's my favorite client?
+Yes! So I saw the papers today, Troy. Looking good! That wholesome stuff really helps when I'm trying to find you work.
+Oh, you! -- Jury duty is work. And listen: you keep getting seen in public with human females, and I can get you work in the entertainment industry!
+Well, not much happens to me. But I once had dinner with a movie star and it was the most wonderful night of my life.
+Smoking? In America? / Low class!
+Excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema.
+Please don't smoke in our restaurant. We don't serve contemporary California cuisine in your lungs.
+Troy, I... I'm sorry I ruined our evening... Um, I have to go now.
+Oh, oh, God, I'm such a fool.
+Sounds like you're really falling for him.
+Whatsa matter? I'm not fun enough for ya?
+Patty! Go on, Selma, tell me more.
+I don't wanna jinx it, Marge, but this could be it. He asked me out again this Friday. He's taking me to a special screening of his latest film.
+You know, smoke actually smells good when it's coming outta you... Oh, I'm all out.
+My god, it's like five cigarettes at once! Ohh... my head is swimming.
+No longer canst I conceal my love, my wimpled turtledove.
+Oh Princess Fair, willst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?
+Oh, Troy! I will!
+Tonight -- '70s leading man Troy McClure has finally met the woman of his dreams.
+Woman? Huh... Okay. We may remember Troy from such films as "The Verdict Was Mail Fraud" and "Leper in the Backfield."
+With his high-profile romance, Troy's managed to shake the rumors that have dogged his career. And with news of his upcoming wedding, rumor has it he's up for some very choice roles.
+Looks like you were wrong when you called him a washed-up deviant, eh, Lori?! All right.
+Make sure my iguana's okay!
+It's so modern, it's... ultramodern! Like living in the not-too-distant future.
+Oh... Okay.
+Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of "Planet of the Apes?"
+The brand-new multi-million-dollar musical. And you are starring as -- the human.
+HELP, THE HUMAN'S ABOUT TO ESCAPE!
+HE CAN TALK!
+HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK! / HE CAN TALK!
+OO! HELP ME, DR. ZAIUS!
+DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! / DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! / DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! / OH, DR. ZAIUS!
+DR. ZAIUS! DR. ZAIUS!
+I THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.
+YOU'RE ALSO LAZY.
+DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS! OH, DR. ZAIUS!
+OF COURSE YOU CAN.
+DR. ZAIUS, DR. ZAIUS!
+This play has everything!
+Oh, I love legitimate theater.
+YES, WE'VE FINALLY MADE A MONKEY--
+Oh... well... thank you...
+Down in front!
+Hi. I remember you from such film strips as "Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll."
+Ah-huh.
+Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us?
+Oh, come on. Guess which one.
+I know! I know! It's Selma, right?
+Aw, hell. Well... What about Dracula?
+Troy, buddy, I gotta know. What's a great guy like you wanna marry a guy like Selma?
+And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier, take the fabulous Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband?
+I already told you: yes.
+If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
+I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss each other.
+This is the best day of my life.
+Hey, look what I snagged, Marge -- the candy bride and groom from the wedding cake.
+Mmmm... pointy.
+It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier.
+That reminds me -- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.
+What?!! Oh, my God!
+Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep.
+Hey, sleep is for has-beens, my friend. And you're about to have a very crowded schedule. This marriage scam is paying off big time!
+Phone for you.
+Troy, darling, come to bed! I want to see the Troy McClure I remember from such films as "Make-out King of Montana" and "The Electric Gigolo."
+Oh, who cares? The offers are rolling in. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant...
+Okay, then get this: I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in -- brace yourself -- the new McBain movie!
+Selma... about you and Troy. We're not sure he's... all he seems.
+Marge is right. He's wrong for you. Better you find out sooner than later.
+Wrong for me? How? Oh, I get it. My sisters have come down with a case of the green-eyed gazungas. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You're stuck in a menial job you'll be doing ten years after you die, and you're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob--
+Selma! Troy doesn't love you at all! He's only using you to squelch the rumors about his bizarre personal life and further his career!
+You don't know what you're talking about... I have to go now and see Troy.
+Is this a sham marriage?
+You married me just to help your career?
+Yes, but--
+But... don't you love me?
+Are you gay?
+Stop. You're asking me to live a lie. I don't know if I can do that.
+Tell me again about Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.
+Tonight, all Hollywood's wondering who'll be chosen to costar in the big new McBain pic, "McBain IV: Fatal Discharge."
+I will -- but you gotta do something for me. Problem is, the big parts these days are all going to family men.
+Yeah, but for a role like this you gotta pour it on. You and uh, wife have gotta have a baby.
+I'll send you over a pamphlet. Uh, listen, you can't buy that kind of P.R. But you can get it for nothing, by having a baby. Which, by the way, your insurance will cover, except for the deductible, which I will reimburse you for if you get the part, which you will if you have a baby.
+Okay, now listen, let's talk baby names. You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida -- they're taken.
+Oh, Pacific Northwest -- very hot.
+Having a child -- that's a big step.
+It is probably my last chance to be a mommy...
+Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?
+C'Mere... Tiger.
+Would you like some wine?
+Uh, why don't you come over here and make yourself more comfortable?
+Having a baby isn't supposed to be "work." It's supposed to be an expression of the feelings we're supposed to have for each other.
+Look, I'm sorry, a loveless marriage is one thing. We're not hurting anybody. But bringing a child into a loveless family is something I just can't do.
+Goodbye, Troy. I'll always remember you, but not from your films.
+Come on, Jub-Jub, let's go home and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.
+In a bold move that has stunned Hollywood insiders, newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure has turned down the supporting lead in "McBain IV" to direct and star in his own pet project: "The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel." Will the gambit pay off? Twentieth Century Fox is betting it will.
+Ah, Spring Break in Hong Kong. Custom-made suits at slave-labor prices...
+Good lord, they've got this all wrong.
+Yes, this is Principal Seymour Skinner.
+How can I help you, Principal?
+I'm afraid there are some problems with my tickets. I asked for a center seat, not an aisle seat. I specifically requested not to have the kosher meal. And I booked the flight leaving Saturday morning, not Friday morning!
+Okay, I've gone ahead and made those changes. And with the one-day advance purchase price, it's just an extra... $7,830.
+G.M. Chrysler!! I can't afford that! But I can't close the school a day early just to suit my vacation. Or can I? Think, Seymour, think...
+Go to Work with Your Parents Day?
+Yes, Go to Work with Your Parents Day! Tomorrow, you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations!
+I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.
+Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lis.
+I can't help it if Mom's workplace contains our TV.
+'Cause they won't hire an assistant.
+I'm honored, Bart. And Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with Dad. You've been interested in nuclear power for years.
+I've signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant.
+Well, there you go.
+Mom, you're blocking the TV. If you need something to do, you can fill out my form. Here.
+"Parent's occupation... Please note: Homemaker is not allowed, as it is not real work. That's why you don't get paid for it."
+Bart can take my place at the plant!
+Oh, but he so wanted to see women in the workplace...
+Well, how about Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma at the D.M.V.?
+Of course! Of course! I would never, ever have thought of that!
+Some days we don't let the line move at all.
+We call those "weekdays."
+Good one.
+Well, at least I'm not stuck at the cracker factory like Milhouse.
+Ever wonder how crackers get salted?
+Have I?!
+Crackers Ho!
+I never knew cracker production could be so exciting! But where do they make those crackers with the peanut butter already inside?
+Ah, put this on and come with me, Son.
+No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
+This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
+Uh... Oh -- this is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I am responsible for changing most of these light bulbs.
+Why are there so many burnt-out ones?
+Martin, here's ten dollars to invest in
+the futures market.
+Soy! Soy! Soy!
+Soy! Soy! Soy!
+Martin, you're up one million dollars.
+And now you've lost all but $600. You got greedy, Martin.
+I'm sorry. I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me.
+Maybe we can make your job more fun... What are those?
+I don't know.
+Well, what if we used our imaginations...?
+Houston, we have a problem. Homer 13 is spinning out of control!
+I'm going after him!
+Boy, this is a lot more fun with a second person!
+Okay, one more step. I just gotta go laminate your license. You'll get it in two to three weeks.
+Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!
+Bart, I left the driver's-license-making machine on. Turn it off.
+25 years old?! You're not 25 years old! This I.D. is completely fake!
+Yes. You are right, Milhouse. It is a fake. Which makes it a fake I.D.
+A fake I.D.?! Cool!!
+And it's our ticket to the best Spring Break of our lives!
+One adult and two children, please.
+I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
+Twenty-five? Whoa! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. S., but you know, I gotta check everybody.
+Are you kidding? I take it as a compliment! Three beers, please!
+Hey, join the party!
+Spring breeeaaak! Yeah! Well, when are we gonna get rowdy?
+Maybe when we find something decent to do with this I.D.
+We could go rent a carpet shampooer...
+Greetings, chums! Were your days at work as profitable as mine? I just had a sinful shopping spree at Wee World.
+Well, we're having the best Spring Break of our lives, and we don't need you around nerding it up.
+That job is taken.
+But surely I and my $600 could play some small part in your vacation fun.
+Oh yeah, right. Like there's any way to get some kicks with a big wad of cash and a license to drive...
+Oh, boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip!
+Haw haw!
+Haw haw!
+Gentlemen, for our road trip, I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents...
+I've been selected to represent the school at the National Grammar Rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
+I've been selected to represent the school at the National Grammar Rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
+I'm goin' away for a week. See ya.
+The National Grammar Rodeo! I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait -- I mean, I wish I was going. Is that right, Bart?
+It's not fair! I'm the best student in school. How come I never heard about this competition?
+Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a Dorkus Malorkus.
+That's not Latin. Mom, Bart's faking it.
+Oh, honey, you've had your glory. Now it's Bart's turn.
+I hate this place!
+No... Oh, oh, cool... No, no, wait...
+Ow! Bart, Nelson hit me!
+He sure did.
+A cup holder?!! Bart, we've gotta stop and get a cup! Uh... Bart?
+Cruise control, my good man. Everybody all set back here? Nelson, good to see you! Martin, always a pleasure...
+Oh, Diablo Canyon 2... Why can't you be more like Diablo Canyon 1?
+Hello?... Oh, Homie, hello! I can't remember the last time you called me from -- Oh, you want to speak to Lisa?
+Hi, Lisa. How's your Spring Break going?
+I'm learning about owls.
+Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me...
+Sure I would! I can always learn about owls this summer at Bird Camp.
+Ah, we've arrived in the vast cornfields of Canada! How much farther to the Grammar Rodeo?
+Grammar Rodeo?! We're goin' to a Grammar Rodeo?!
+We're not going to a Grammar Rodeo! That was just an alibi, Milton!!
+Martin.
+Martin.
+Fellows?
+Where are we going?
+Well, I realize it's trite, but we could tour the bridges of Madison County...
+Hey, who has better vacation ideas than Triple-A? According to the publisher of this Triple-A guidebook, no one.
+I've always wanted to see Macon, Georgia.
+Wait! How about a fair? Not just a county fair. Not just a Europe fair. But a WORLD'S Fair! The World's Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee!
+Keep reading...
+Bart, can we weigh the car at that Weigh Station?
+The Hungarians have built a giant, motorized Rubik's Cube! And the fair's symbol is the Sunsphere, which sits atop a 266 foot tall steel shaft!
+What's inside?
+An information desk!
+Coooool!
+So it's a choice between Disneyworld and Knoxville.
+Knoxville! Knoxville! Knoxville!
+I concur.
+You made it! Did you have any trouble getting past the security guards?
+Security guards?
+Great! Ya wanna get some lunch?
+The way I figure it, if the candy stays in the machine for more than a year, it's up for grabs.
+Why do you need me?
+Well, it's a two-man operation, and you're the only man here I trust. Ready?
+Woo hoo!
+Simpson! What in God's name are you--
+Zagnut bar, Mr. Smithers? Razzles? Skittles? Whatchamacallit? Twizzlers?
+They all have hilarious names and are delicious.
+Well, I am partial to Jolly Ranchers... Mmmmmm. Good work, Simpson. Simpsons.
+Boy, Lisa, with you here this hardly seems like work at all. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through my nightshift without you.
+We could have a slumber party.
+Oh, that'd be great! Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire... It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting-goods store.
+If you kids can't keep your hands to yourselves, I'm going to turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for anybody!
+That's it! Back to Winnipeg!
+Bart, can we stop for ice cream?
+Bart, can we pick up that hitchhiker?
+I don't see why not.
+Bart, can we stop for ice cream?
+...well, I didn't think I was rehabilitated, but I guess they needed the extra bed...
+With Bart gone, and now you and your father, I'm not going to have anyone to--
+ThanksMombye!
+--talk to.
+What is this place?
+Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders.
+Andy Williams?!
+Uh, we don't need to stop here.
+Yes we do.
+...MY HUCKLEBERRY FRIEND / MOON RIVER AND ME!
+Wow! I didn't think he was going to do "Moon River" but then -- Bam! -- second encore!
+Okay. Time for truth or dare. You go first.
+Eh... Truth. Ask me anything.
+Who do you love most: me, Bart, or Maggie?
+All right, dare.
+Okay... Why don't you...
+Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball? First name, Ura?
+Ura Snotball?
+What?! How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
+Okay, your turn.
+Hmmm... Truth.
+Ummm... Do you have a crush on anyone?
+I won't tell anybody.
+Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.
+Moe thinks he knows a lot more than Moe knows! Well, just give me another chance, and I'll prove I can keep your secrets.
+Okay. I like...
+Langdon Alger.
+I have no idea who that is.
+Nobody does! He's very quiet and enjoys puzzles. But that still doesn't mean you can tell anyone!
+I've already forgotten his name. It was Larsen something, right?
+Thanks, Dad. Oh, this has been the best Spring Break ever!
+--and with my patented seminar, you will learn how to corner the real estate market through hypnosis. Why waste your hypnotic powers on neighbors and co-workers, when you can be using them to get ahead of...
+I can't take this anymore!
+Aw, aw, there, there, oh, Maggie... There...
+We're on the home stretch!
+Next stop, the Knoxville World's Fair and its fabulous Sunsphere!
+Hurry up! We've only got four days to spend at the... "Wod Fir?"
+Uh, excuse me... Is this the World's Fair Visitors Center?
+Used to be. Back in 1982. You're fourteen years too late.
+But there's another World's Fair coming soon, right? Before Friday?
+What about the Sunsphere?
+You mean the Wigsphere. You're welcome to go up there, if you wanna see 16,000 boxes of unsold wigs. Now, you gentlemen gonna buy some wigs or ain't ya?
+I guess fate was against us. It's really nobody's fault. Right? Uh, right?
+Well, we've still got a car and a wad of cash.
+Er, no we don't. I must've spent our last ten dollars on this Al Gore doll.
+You are hearing me talk.
+We've got no car!
+We've got no money!
+And no one knows we're here!
+We're stranded!
+But on the plus side, I knocked over the Sunsphere.
+Haw haw!
+This never would've happened if we'd gone to Macon, Georgia. I'm just sayin', is all.
+Fellows, I think perhaps the time has come to call our parents.
+No!! They'd kill us! Look, we got here on our own, so we can survive here on our own. All we need is money, food, and a way to get home. Follow me.
+Everybody remember: we're parked under the Sunsphere.
+Hey! I need those to see!
+Ah, these lenses are perfect. Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles.
+Three hundred...
+Hey!...
+Four hundred...
+Come back!...
+Five hundred... Six hundred.
+Wh... wh... Oh!... Oh... Ow!... Oh...
+Five hundred. Four hundred. Three hundred. Two hundred. One hundred. Zero...
+Come on! This train goes right through Springfield!
+Of course I'll accept! Bart! I've missed you so mu-- You want to speak to Lisa?
+So how's the National Grammar Rodeo, Bart?
+Lisa, I really need your help, so I'm gonna let you in on a secret. There's no such thing.
+I knew it! I knew it because why would they have our National Grammar Rodeo in another nation?! Oh, Bart, you're going to be in sooo much trouble when--
+I'm in trouble already. Here's what happened...So you've got to think of a way I can come home for free.
+Milhouse, d'you ever think about the people in those cars?
+Hmm... You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. Well, how badly do you want to get home? All right, all right, how about a courier? They travel for free, too. No, that's a terrier. They're dogs.
+Well, you sure don't look 25, but your unlaminated, out-of-state driver's license is proof enough for me. Here's your first assignment.
+Zhè shì nide yánjing.
+Xiè xiè.
+What the...?
+Can we call our parents yet, Bart?
+Lisa? This isn't working. I've got to courier something to Springfield. And it's gotta be big enough to fit Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson inside.
+But Bart, that'll cost a fortune.
+Simpson, how'd you like to escort 500 Big Macs to Marlon Brando's island?
+Oh, I can't take much more of this. I'm counting on you, Lis.
+What's wrong, honey?
+There's something troubling me, Dad...but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.
+Uh, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now. I mean, I haven't told a soul about your new boyfriend.
+Langdon Alger? Oh, I don't like him anymore... Okay, but you've got to promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart.
+I promise.
+Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong.
+Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
+All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, and then I will murder him.
+No, no! Then he'll know I told! Dad, you said I could trust you.
+Okay, we'll work this out together. First things first: where is Knoxville?
+It's in Tennessee, right next to the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility, birthplace of the atomic bomb.
+Well, maybe we could order something from Oak Ridge...
+...and Bart could be the courier!
+Y'ello, Oak Ridge? This is Springfield Nuclear. We need to order a... uh...T-437 Safety Command Console.
+Uh, Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational.
+Uh, I suggest you... Oh my God! Oh, God, no! Oh! This can't be happening! This... You're operating without a T-437, Springfield!! Oh, Sweet Mother of Mercy! I mean... I mean... My God!...
+And have it sent to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, care of Homer J.--
+No! Don't use your real name, or Bart will know!
+Forget the name Homer Simpson. Have it sent care of... Langdon Alger.
+Uh, Bart... Bart, we really could use another air hole.
+Ssshh! They'll know you're in there!
+...but I don't think I'd go back again next year. It's getting too commercial. They've forgotten it's supposed to be about the grammar.
+Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner... No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong... Goodnight.
+Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that.
+Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam!
+Homer, are you laughing at me?
+I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em.
+Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town. Do you think anything interesting ever happens to them? I mean, there must be thousands of great stories out there.
+What do you think, Milhouse? Milhouse?
+Hunh? Oh, sorry, I saw a convertible. You were saying?
+Forget it. C'mon, it's 11 o'clock. I need some sugar.
+I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment!
+Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me.
+Thank you. Come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
+Oh, I guarantee a wing-ding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
+Well... I don't like to leave the store, but...
+For the next five minutes, I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99!
+Quick! Quick! No time to cook them -- they will plump in my stomach!
+Helloo, beautiful! No ring, I see. So, you are only arranged to be married.
+Ooh, ooh, ooh, I love this song. Let us boogie!
+I AM A FREAK-A-ZOID / COME ON AND WIND ME UP! Phew, I am hot. Let us get out of here.
+Don't worry, I'll tell everybody you were untouchable.
+Oh, Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty! Same time, next year, ya?
+Made it! And with one minute to spare!
+You took four minutes of my life and I want them back! Oh, I'd only waste 'em anyway...
+"Swing Serenade" is brought to you by Gorman's Ear Guards. Guard your ears... With Gorman's.
+Mom, Dad threw his beer can at the Miracle Gro guy on TV. Can I recycle it?
+Why not.
+Waaa! Uhh! There's gum in my hair!
+Mo-om! Someone threw gum in my hair!
+Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.
+No, it's somebody's gross gum! Get it out! Ow! Ow! It's pulling out my hairs!
+Wait -- if I remember my Heloise, the trick to getting out gum is peanut butter.
+There. Now that gum should lift right out.
+Hmmm... Maybe it needs a little mayonnaise to get going. Okay, you go sit in the sun and let it melt in.
+Why me? Yuk! I smell like a sandwich.
+Smithers, what is the meaning of this slacking off?
+There's a bee in my eye, Sir.
+I'm allergic to bee-stings. They cause me to, um, die.
+But we're running out of forward momentum.
+Uh, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir?
+Quite impossible. I can try to bat him off if you like.
+Really, that's oka-- Aaaggh!
+Holy cats, man, we're starting to wobble!
+Get me... to a hospital. You have... to pedal.
+Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers! Fear not, I'll get you to a hospital, the only way I know how. Smithers, you infernal ninny! Stick your left hoof on that flange now!
+Now if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clod-hopper of yours on the right doo-dad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!
+One more jostle, you wretched shirkaday!
+Help me.
+Holy smokes! You need booze!
+Hi, everybody!
+Hi, Dr. Nick.
+Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are: performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant--
+But I cleaned them with my napkin!
+...misuse of the cadavers--
+I get here earlier when I drive in the car-pool lane...
+There's a crazy man with a scalpel in E.R.! He's demanding to see a quack!
+Hi, everybody. Now tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.
+I'm edgy! I got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Get me a calmative!
+Slow down, sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure.
+Okay. Now, the symptoms you describe point to "bonus eruptus." It's a terrible disorder where the skeleton tries to leap out the mouth and escape the body.
+Now you're talkin'.
+Our one chance is trans-dental electromicide. I'll need a golf-cart motor with a 1000 volt capacimator, stat!
+Doctor, I can't in good conscie--
+Now! Now! There's no time, man! We'll have to improvise.
+Keep doing that every five seconds.
+Dr. Nick, we owe you an apology. Consider the charges dropped.
+All right! Free nose jobs for everybody! Yiy! You first.
+Give me a Van Heflin.
+Say, ah, Barn. Remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
+Oh yeah, we all had a good laugh, Moe.
+The results came back today.
+You owe me... 70 billion dollars. No, wait, wait, wait... Oh, that's uh, for the Voyager Space Craft. Your tab's 14 billion dollars.
+Well, alls I got is two thousand bucks.
+Well, that's halfway there.
+Huh. Freeze, dude. Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off.
+I'm behind three inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst.
+All right.
+No! Stay outta there! Stay outta there! Aw, Good God, no!!
+Whoa, goodbye student loan payments! Ha-ha!
+Come back here, you stinkin' -- Hey, I wonder how much air is in here.
+Well, Seymour, I made it -- despite your directions.
+Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
+Oh, ye Gods! My roast is ruined!
+But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Ooh, delightfully devilish, Seymour.
+SKI-I-NER / WITH HIS CRAZY EXPLANATIONS / THE SUPERINTENDENT'S / GONNA NEED HIS MEDICATION / WHEN HE HEARS SKINNER'S LAME EXAGGERATIONS / THERE'LL BE TROUBLE IN TOWN TONIGHT!
+Sey-mour!!
+Superintendent! I was just... eh... stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise. Care to join me?
+Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
+Ah... oh, that isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmm, steamed clams.
+Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers!
+I thought we were having steamed clams.
+No, no. I said "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers.
+You call hamburgers "steamed hams?"
+Yes. It's a regional dialect.
+Uh-huh. What region?
+Uh, Upstate New York.
+Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."
+Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.
+Y'know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krustyburger.
+Ah... So... Uh... nice store.
+Oh, no. Patented Skinnerburgers. Old family recipe.
+For "steamed hams."
+Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact they are obviously grilled?
+Y... you know... one thing I sho... Excuse me for one second.
+Of course.
+Ahh. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
+Yes, I should be -- Good Lord! What is happening in there?
+Aurora borealis.
+Aurora borealis?! At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
+May I see it?
+Seymour, the house is on fire!
+No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.
+Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say -- you "steam a good ham."
+Help! Help!
+Helms Calls for Donut Tax?!
+There. Done and done.
+Oh, why did I have to stop at the railroad tracks? Better get some change.
+It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See, Daddy's here.
+C'mon, Maggie, maybe if you just squeeze a little...
+That's it, that's it, I...
+Okay. Okay. Think, Homer...
+... The dog!
+Okay! Go, boy! Go find help! Go find help, boy!
+Oh, bad dog! Bad dog!
+Oh, don't worry, Maggie! I'll think of something!
+You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.
+The McWhat?
+Uh, McDonald's Restaurant. I... I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
+Musta sprung up overnight.
+You know the funniest thing, though? It's the little differences.
+Example?
+Well, in McDonald's you can buy a Krustyburger with Cheese, right?, but they don't call it a Krustyburger with Cheese.
+Get out--! What do they call it?
+Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
+"Quarter Pounder with Cheese." Well, I can picture the cheese... But, uh, do they have Krusty Partially-Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum-Based Beverages?
+Mmm-hmm. They call 'em "shakes."
+Heh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'.
+Well, I know what I'm gettin': some donuts. Uh, help me outta the booth, boys.
+Ai, que dia miserable a trabajo!
+Primero, el attaque del woodpeckero loco!
+Luego, un disastro de electricidad!
+E Finalmente, una catastrofia con una pelota de beisbol!
+Ahh, tiempo para relaxar en paz y quieto ...
+Ai, naranjas en la cabeza!
+Ai, una candelabra precariosa!
+Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
+Mira que cosa tan terrible, no puedo entender algo como esto, como puedo vivir con alguien tan irresponsible, no, no, no, no, no!!
+Donde esta mi tequila?
+I got donuts / I got donuts / I -- Hey, I know you!
+Ooh! Haw-haw!
+Hey, wait up! We gotta swap insurance info!
+Hold it right there!
+Looks like the spider caught hisself a coupla flies.
+Come on, boy. This is the spot -- right here. That's a good boy. Good boy. Do your dirty, sinful business.
+Howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there ... on my lawn... with your dog.
+Oh, uh, uh, ooh... bad dog. Look at that. Right on Ned's lawn. Now how could you do such a thing? Good boy, don't stop now. Bad dog! I condemn you to hell!
+Better get the ol' snow shovel back from Homer, huh?
+Good boy. Don't stop the music.
+Marge Simpson -- still making juice the old-fashioned way?
+No, I've got gum in my hair!
+Oh, we've tried everything. Olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup, gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ghanouj...
+My scalp hurts from horsefly bites.
+Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube and hit it with a hammer? Works for me when I get bubbly-gum in the ol' push-broom.
+That sounds okay...
+Ah! Ah! Ah! Stop! Stop!
+Hmm. I seem to have mashed more hair into it. Oh well.
+Ice cubes are useless, man. Chewin' gum's gotta be chewed out.
+Does the whole town have to hear about this?
+Arrr, have ye tried a Baltic squid? They can suck the bolts out of a submarine's hull.
+All right! Fangoria will give me twenty-five bucks for this shot.
+I can give you the name of a good gum-and-hair man.
+I have a word of advice: don't try to dig gum out with a bone. It just makes things worse.
+Leave it in as evidence. Bazooka Joe's got deep pockets.
+Perhaps I can help. My poppa is foreman of the Dusseldorf Gum-Works.
+SOME FOLK'LL NEVER EAT A SKUNK / BUT THEN AGAIN, SOME FOLK'LL... / LIKE CLETUS THE SLACK-JAWED YOKEL.
+Hey, whut's goin' on on this side?
+Hey, Brandine, you might could wear these to your job innerview.
+And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? Naw, you best brang 'em back where from you got 'em.
+Back you go, to waits for a woman of less discriminatin' tastes.
+MOST FOLK'LL NEVER LOSE A TOE / AND THEN AGAIN, SOME FOLK'LL.../ LIKE CLETUS THE SLACK-JAWED YOKEL.
+Hey, I could call my maw while I'm up here. Hey, maw! Get off the dang roof!
+...Yes, and one with extra cheese. Thank you.
+Can I use your bathroom?
+No, you may not. The bathroom is for paying customers only. If you purchase an item, you may use the bathroom.
+Umm...Okay. Um, how about that?
+That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. It is worth one hundred and fifty dollars.
+Oh, what can I get for seventy-five cents?
+You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is "fries."
+Milhouse, what's going on?! You said you just needed to use the bathroom. Now, I find you buying comics!
+Oh, our transaction is completed. You may take the boy.
+Waaaait!
+As soon as Zed gets here, the party will begin.
+There he is now.
+Who are you?
+Uh, can my son use your bathroom?
+You gotta say yes!
+Okay, but be quick. It's in back.
+Uh, you know, when I was a kid, this used to be a pet store. Yeah, right over there against that wall, there was the cutest little-
+Get in the corner.
+Hey, Dad, can we get this, please? Ohmigosh! Sorry, Mister!
+Want me to cut off the gum or just style it?
+Cut it off, but be careful.
+Don't worry, sweetheart, I know how important hair is to a little girl.
+You keep squirming, there's gonna be a little bald girl with no lollipop.
+I love it! I finally look like a real person! Thanks!
+Haw haw!
+Haw haw!
+Haw haw!
+He's down there.
+Do you find something comical about my appearance when I am driving my automobile?
+Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun?
+I guess so.
+Would you like it if I laughed at your misfortune? Huh?! Maybe we should find out.
+Now march!
+Hey, everybody, look at this! It's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him!
+Haw haw!
+Wave to the people!
+Blow them kisses!
+Wah wah!
+Well, Milhouse, I guess interesting stuff does happen to people in Springfield.
+'Bout time, Knothead.
+Yep, everybody in town's got their story to tell.
+There's just not enough time to hear 'em all...
+Oh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the lab, with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head.
+No, wait, please, no! Please! I have a funny story -- if you listen -- I even wrote theme music! Yeah, listen!
+HEY, HEY / PROFESSOR FRINK / PROFESSOR FRINK / HE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH / HE'LL MAKE YOU THINK / HE LIKES TO RUN AND THEN THE THING WITH THE... PERSON -- Ah, boy, that monkey's gonna pay... CONT'D
+Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.
+Aw, jabberjack! Schoolhouse don't put out spittoons, I ain't responsible.
+All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda yadda yadda. Let's start with Milhouse's grandfather.
+How many of you have a house?
+All right. Now, how many of you drove your house to school today?
+Well, I did. No, I'm not Superman, I just own an R.V.
+Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. Last fall we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas.
+You're living in a fool's paradise, Van Houten. If you fell down in the shower, that thing'd be your tomb!
+Grampa, hush.
+Here, why don't you spit some more.
+No, I'm not Superman, I'm a judge. Why just this morning, I sentenced my 46th man to death. No, 47th!
+Wow, 47. I love you, Grampa.
+Yeah, well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!
+Bart, perhaps your grandfather would like to come up front now and give someone else a chance to interrupt.
+Oh, please, no.
+Now... hey, listen! Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" 'cause the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles.
+"Dickity?" Highly dubious.
+What're you cackling at, Fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!
+Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet.
+Terlet. Ha!
+Stop yer snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!
+...And then he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he always making up those crazy stories?
+Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home.
+You already put him in a home.
+Maybe it's time to put him in one where he can't get out.
+No! Old people deserve our respect! Look at Jacques Cousteau and Goldie Hawn. You wouldn't shut them away like second-class citizens.
+Second class? What about Social Security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert jewelry, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.
+Ehh, this junk was hardly worth getting up for. Maybe if I go back to sleep for a few days, some good mail will build up.
+Hey, what's this?
+Asa Phelps has-- The seventh Hellfish is dead! That means the fortune's almost mine!
+Asa Phelps spent his entire life in Springfield. Except for four years' service in World War II and one high school day-trip. He worked at the United Strut and Bracing Works as a molder's boy, until he was replaced by a Molder-Matic and died.
+Would you do the honors...?
+I got this in the second World War Two!
+Well, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine!
+Over my dead body it will!
+That's exactly the poi-- Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
+How long was that?
+Your clownish behavior notwithstanding, we have made a gentleman's agreement and sworn on our lives to honor it.
+Smithers, I want that man killed.
+Let's see... "Mesmerists," "Dowsers," "Luddites," "Alienists," "Zoroastrians," "Alphabetizers,"... Aha! "Assassins!"
+I was wondering, Sir, do we really need to, uh... "settle" Abe Simpson? I mean, I'm familiar with his physical state, and perhaps if we wait, nature will assassinate him for us.
+Well, I can't risk it. I won't allow that Simpson boy to take the Hellfish Bonanza, and I can't get it without his key!
+Ah, just the man I need. Fernando Vidal, the world's most devious assassin.
+Fernando, it's "M.B."
+Ah, Marion Barry... Is it time for another shipment already?
+This is Montgomery Burns.
+Oh, caramba.
+I'm sending you a photo over the Faxtrola. I need you to fly to Springfield and assassinate this man post-haste.
+Ah, Del Monte. Enjoy them, old man, they will be your last.
+I'm up! I'm up!
+Ah, he's more clever than he looks.
+Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you.
+Hot diggity! My family's come to visit me!
+Waaait a minute! My family never comes to vis--
+Not again.
+I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery.
+I'll be in the car, dudes.
+There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess...
+Was that me or was that you?
+Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me!
+Okay. We'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.
+Our residents... are trying... to nap!
+Lemme in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet Merciful McGillicuddy, ya gotta open the door!
+Who is it?
+It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.
+...and then a knife flew at my head! And you were there... And you were there...
+Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth...
+It's plenty moist! Listen, Monty Burns is tryin' to kill me and it's all because of um... I can't tell you why.
+Well, I'm sure you'll make up something. Maybe you just need more of my classmates around.
+I gotta hole up here for awhile. They might still be after me.
+Wow, he's even more agitated than usual. Maybe we should let him stay.
+But where are we going to put him?
+Bart's room.
+Bart's room.
+Bart's room.
+Dumpster.
+Sorry to crowd ya, boy, but I'll let you in on a secret. Burns is after me 'cause he wants the Hellfish Bonanza.
+Look, if you're going to stay in my room, could you at least stop making up gibberish?
+Gibberish, eh? Then what's this?
+Wrinkly gibberish?
+Back then, I was known as Sgt. Simpson, and I commanded the Flying Hellfish -- the fightingest squad in the fightingest company in the third fightingest battalion in the army. And we were all from Springfield. There was Police Chief Wiggum's father, Iggy Wiggum...
+Um, if anybody finds a grenade without a pin, that's mine.
+...our radio-man, Sheldon Skinner...
+All right. Very funny. Well, I didn't join the service to make friends.
+...and watchin' our backs was Private Fifth-Class Arnie Gumble.
+Then there was also Griff, Asa, Ox and Etch.
+But every unit has a troublemaker. Ours was a cocky little private named Montgomery Burns.
+Haven't you won the war yet?
+Uh, hey, you said you was dead!
+"Dead -- tired," but I'm quite refreshed now, thank you.
+Mmm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private?
+Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. And we got stuck with him...
+Heh, heh, heh. Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler...
+Little help?
+Boom! Boom, it went! Boom! Just like that! They took a photo of my keister for Stars & Stripes. At least they told me it was for Stars & Stripes.
+Well, if you saved Burns' life, why does he want to kill you?
+It was the closing days of the war. We had just flushed some Germans out of an abandoned castle...
+Hey! Burnsie found some pictures!
+Wait a minute, we ain't supposed to steal from civilians.
+You want me to report ya to Commander Flanders? Just leave 'em, Burnsie.
+Leave them for whom? The Germans? The folks who shoot at us all day? Let's just take them. We'll all be rich! Rich as Nazis!
+Think of what a guy could get himself with that kind of scratch.
+Eh, I could buy chicken dinners, three times a day!
+I could buy a brand new Studebaker with a fan on the dashboard!
+I could buy my way into high society!
+Well, I don't feel right about it... but I could use a nest egg for retirement. I'd hate to wind up in one of them old folks homes.
+Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now. We'd be caught. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine?"
+All right, Ox. Why don't you take us through it?
+Uh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them purty pitchers.
+Well put, Oxford. Now remember, you can't all sign with an X...
+So we sealed up the paintings, knowing only one of us would ever look upon them again.
+Ox was the first to go -- he got a hernia carrying the crate out of the castle. Five more men died in the Veterans' Day float disaster of '79. Now with Asa gone, it's down to me and Burns.
+Great story, Grampa. Coulda used a vampire, though. 'Night.
+My own grandson thinks I'm a liar.
+Aghhh! Don't kill me!
+I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be Little Johnny Live-a-lot. Now give me your key to the Hellfish Bonanza.
+Oh wow! There really is a treasure! Whatever you do, don't give him the key, Grampa!
+Here's the key.
+Figures... Hey, Mr. Burns!
+Can I go with you to get the treasure? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.
+Oh, you're a good boy. But the child labor people have been watching me like a hawk.
+Well, I'm off to get the paintings. As they say, time is Monets. As you were, Sergeant.
+Oh, terribly sorry. Back to sleep,
+little girl.
+I guess Burns is finally gonna be rich.
+Not without the keys, he isn't.
+Hey, you got the keys!
+Now we can get the treasure!
+Oh, what's the use? Burns would still find some way to take it from me.
+I can't believe you, Grampa. The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns! You gotta get that treasure! You gotta do it for Ox and Asa and Griff and Burnsie... Well, not so much Burnsie.
+You really think I can do it?
+Uh, yes. But we gotta act fast!
+Where are you two going at this hour?
+On a treasure hunt.
+Oh, can I come?
+Only if you're ready to stare danger in the face, put your manhood to the ultimate test, and take--
+Hey, Grampa, do you think your dead buddies get up and walk around at night?
+If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice. Okay, hold up here.
+Fellas, it's me, Sarge. At ease. I know I'm bendin' the rules tonight, but I also know none of you wants that skunk Burns to take our treasure. And I want you to know that when I die, you're all welcome to visit me in rich man's heaven.
+Now it's gonna show us exactly where to dig!
+Boy, you borrow us some diving equipment while I borrow this boat.
+Well, howdilly-doodily, stranger! Couldn't help but notice you stealing my boat.
+I'll bring it back.
+You ever operated a power boat?
+Know anything about water safety?
+What do you need it for?
+It's a secret.
+Ooh, sounds spine-tingly-dingling. Just promise you'll have a good time.
+Maude? Boys? Come on up! We're gonna have a little camp-out in the dinghy.
+Now remember the plan, boy. If you run out of air, tug on the rope--
+--sixty-four times. No more, no less. Got it.
+No, no. Sixty-three times if you're out of air. Sixty-four is if you found the treasure.
+Gotcha. Hey, Grampa, do you think I could've been a Flying Hellfish?
+You're a gutsy daredevil with a give-'em-hell attitude and a fourth-grade education. You coulda made sergeant.
+Wo-o-o-ow!
+61... 62... 63... Oh, no, 63?! He's out of air! I've sent my only grandson to a watery gra... !
+64?! He found the treasure! I'm rich!
+You're one heckuva grandson, boy! Now, let's break 'er open and have a look-see.
+Huh. The light must've burned out.
+I'll thank you to stop pinching my Botticelli.
+Looks like I didn't need the keys after all. I'll take the masterpieces, thank you.
+Consarn it!
+You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name "Hellfish!"
+Oh, am I?
+No! Look, take the art if you want. Just don't hurt the boy.
+Hmm. I'd rather do both.
+So long, Sarge. See you at the reunion in November.
+I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
+Ah, the fortune doesn't matter, boy. The important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!
+They're gaining on us, sir. We'll have to jettison something.
+It's been an honor to serve you, sir.
+Consarn it, he's getting away!
+In a pig's eye he is!
+Act your age, Simpson! You look foolish!
+Agh! Don't kill me!
+I ain't gonna kill ya. That'd be cowardly. Monty Burns cowardly. I just wanna watch you squirm.
+Yes, sir! Is this to your liking?
+Now, Burnsie, there's one thing we don't stand for in the Hellfish, and that's trying to kill your commanding officer. So consider this your dishonorable discharge. You're outta my unit. You're outta the tontine. And that means the paintings are mine. Private, you are dismissed.
+You're rich, Grampa! You did it! And Burns can never take that away from you!
+Freeze! U.S. State Department! We'll take those.
+We've been helping the German government search for this stolen art for 50 years.
+To avoid an international incident, we'll be returning it to the descendant of its rightful owner.
+Baron Von Wörtzenburger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for--
+Ja, ja, ja. Mach schnell mit der art things, huh?. I must get back to DanceCentrum in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk.
+Hey, and Dummkopf! Watch out for the CD changer in my trunk, huh?! Idiot!
+I guess he deserves it more than I do... Well, at least I got to show you I wasn't always a pathetic old kook.
+You never were, Grampa.
+Aw, I'd hug ya, but I know you'd just get embarrassed.
+I won't get embarrassed. I don't care who knows I love my Grampa.
+Hey, funboys! Get a room!
+Run, Daddy, run!
+Open the door, Maude! I don't have time for the secret knock!
+Oh, I'm panicking, Neddy. I can't work the knob!
+This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 newscopter. A large bear-like animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills, in search of food or perhaps employment. Please, remain calm. Stay in your homes.
+Looks like bad news for the... ..."Impson" family.
+Let's all calm down. Everyone's going to be just fine, as long as I've got enough beer.
+All right, that does it. If I'm gonna be trapped inside the house I gotta go out and buy some beer.
+Now to drop gracefully through the windshield.
+I've got ya, dad!
+Sweet dreams, Smokey.
+Animal tranquilizer!
+Smooth.
+Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.
+Oh Marge, it was horrible. We were trapped in the house all afternoon and, well, we had to drink toilet water.
+Well, things were bad everywhere.
+I'm sick of these constant bear attacks! It's like the freakin' country bear jamboroo around here.
+Well, now realistically, Homer, I've lived here some 30-odd years. This is the first and only bear I've ever seen.
+Hey -- if you want wild bears eating your children and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me?
+/ I am! / We are! / etc.
+WE'RE HERE! WE'RE QUEER! WE DON'T WANT ANY MORE BEARS!
+WE'RE HERE! WE'RE QUEER! WE DON'T WANT ANY MORE BEARS!
+Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it?
+Oh, I heard it at the Mustache Parade they have every year.
+Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.
+Does it have an appointment?
+Ahm, yes it does.
+I phoned ahead.
+Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you, but your city is infested with bears.
+And these ones are smarter than the average bear. They swiped my pic-a-nic basket!
+Think of the children.
+Very well. I promise swift and decisive action against these hibernating hucksters.
+Ahh, not a bear in sight. The bear patrol must be working like a charm.
+That's specious reasoning, Dad.
+Thank you, Honey.
+By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
+Oh, how does it work?
+It doesn't work.
+Uh-huh.
+It's just a stupid rock.
+Uh-huh.
+But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
+Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
+Woo-hoo! A perfect day -- zero bears, and one big fat hairy paycheck!
+Hey... how come my pay is so low?
+"Bear Patrol Tax: $5?!" What?! This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history!
+Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.
+Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer Tax.
+That's the Home-Owner Tax.
+Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.
+DOWN WITH TAXES! DOWN WITH TAXES!
+Won't you think of the children?
+Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?
+Uh, dumber, sir. They won't give up the Bear Patrol, but they won't pay taxes for it, either.
+Ducking this issue calls for real leadership.
+People, your taxes are high because of illegal immigrants! That's right, illegal immigrants. We need to get rid of them!
+Illegal immigrants?! / etc.
+Immiggants?! I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them!
+Oh, won't somebody please think of the children?
+In one week, the town will vote on a special referendum -- whether or not to deport all illegal immigrants from Springfield. It shall be known as Proposition 24!
+Hey German boy, go back to Germania!
+I do not deserve this. I have come here legally as an exchange student!
+Young man, the only thing we exchanged for you is our national dignity.
+You want to pick on immigrants?! Then pick on Willie!
+Willie, please. The children want to pick on someone their own size.
+I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad.
+Open your eyes, Lisa. Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants, kids like Bart have lost the will to learn.
+There's no denying it, Sis.
+But immigration is what America's all about. Even the Simpson family immigrated to America. Right, Grampa?
+Okay, you twisted my arm. The Simpson story begins back in the old country... I forget which one exactly...
+My father would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread -- sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.
+See this, son? That's where we're going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day.
+Later that day, we set sail for America.
+There it is! Our new home.
+Abe! Supper's on!
+We had to move out once we'd filled the head with garbage. The end.
+Yeah, when those immigrants get deported, there'll be more elbow room for regular Joes like you and me, Apu.
+Ah... Mr. Simpson? It may astonish you to learn that I am an immigrant.
+You? Pfft. I don't believe it.
+No. In truth, an illegal immigrant, Sir. If Proposition 24 passes, I shall be forced to leave this country.
+Oh, I wish... Oh, I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two. There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.
+Oh my God. I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24, I never stopped to think it might affect someone I cared about.
+You know what, Apu... I am really, really gonna miss you.
+Ya know what really aggravazes me, is them immiggants. They want all the benefits of livin' in Springfield, but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language.
+Yeah. Those are exactly my sentimonies.
+Eh, you said it, Barn.
+Make the protesters go away and I'll give you the entire bottle.
+Oh, thank goodness. My first customers in a week.
+It's hard to believe someone so close to our family could be an illegal alien.
+Alas, it is true. I came here shortly after my graduation from Cal Tech -- Calcutta Technical Institute...
+As the top student in my graduating class of 7 million, I was accepted for graduate study in the United States.
+Wherever you go and whatever you do, we will always love you. Make us proud, son.
+Never forget who you are.
+I won't, mother. And I won't forget you, Manjula. I'm so sorry our arranged marriage will not come to pass.
+Farewell, my beloved.
+I enrolled at Springfield Heights Institute of Technology under the tutelage of the brilliant Professor John Frink.
+Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive -- Don't touch it. But I predict that within one hundred years, computers will be twice as powerful, ten thousand times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.
+Could it be used for dating?
+Well, theoretically, yes. But -- the computer matches would be so perfect, as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest.
+Nine glorious years later, I completed my Ph.D. thesis.
+200,000 precisely-ordered punch cards comprising the world's very first tic-tac-toe program. Only the top human players could beat it.
+Hey, what's this one for?
+So Apu, why didn't you go back to India when your student visa expired?
+I did not feel right leaving without paying off my student loans.
+Uh-huh.
+So I took a job at the Kwik-E-Mart. When my debts were wiped clean, I was all set to go, but by then I had made so many friends here.
+What you're saying is so understandable... and really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.
+Oh, you are one of the good ones.
+You know what? I'm going to vote "no" on 24.
+Mom, you're the greatest. Can I have this licorice?
+Uh, good evening, young man. My name is Charles Norwood. Furthermore to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here's my I.D., which confirms my adultivity.
+Hey, Kearney, this fake I.D., it is truly excellent.
+Say, if you tell me where you obtained it, I'll overlook the ice cream sandwiches concealed in your armpits. Eh?
+Okay, here are your fraudulent documents, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilan: your U.S. Passport, social security card, birth certificate, and your death certificate... just hold onto that one in your safe deposit box.
+Most humble and grateful thanks to you.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can the courtesy, you're an American now. Remember: you were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilan. And if you do not wish to arouse suspicion, I strongly urge you to act American.
+Hey there, Homer, how's it hangin'?
+Low and lazy, so -- Hey! Say something again.
+Oh, you're just noticing the way I'm talking to you now. You see, it turns out I am an American citizen after all.
+Apparently, I just plumb forgot about it. Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The NY Mets are my favorite squadron.
+Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.
+Oh yeah, what was I thinking with that? Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I've got Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me from "Entertainment Weekly" with their dead eyes?
+Look at me. I've betrayed my Indian heritage, Sir. What would my parents think of me now?
+Make us proud, son.
+Never forget who you are.
+Don't make the same mistake I did.
+Oh, forgive me, Mother, Father, I failed you!
+Who am I kidding. I am no citizen. This passport is a cheap forgery. A cheap two thousand dollar forgery.
+I have brought shame to my parents, to my homeland, and to myself.
+Don't forget Ganesha.
+There was an amnesty declared for people who've been here as long as you! That means you can take the citizenship test!
+I cannot deny my roots and I can not keep up this charade. I only did it because I love this land, where I have the freedom to say and to think and to charge whatever I want. I want to stay, but as the real me -- not as some yahoo from Green Bay.
+Wow. You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. Darn it, Apu, I'm not gonna let them kick you out!
+I never should have bought this button. Can I have my three dollars back?
+Store credit only.
+Hey Marge, look what I brought home.
+Oh, Homer. Are you rounding up immigrants?
+No, Marge. Apu convinced me that Proposition 24 is a big mistake.
+All right! Now you've got all the Simpsons behind you, Apu!
+That's nice, although three of you are below voting age.
+And I'm not registered!
+I do appreciate your concern, really, but it is hopeless. The latest poll shows a whooping 85% support for Proposition 24.
+Hey, Apu, why don't just marry some American broad, then dump her after you get your citizenship?
+Hello, Selma? Selma my dear? How are you? Uh-huh... uh-huh... uh-huh... Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
+I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahasapeemapeti-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love. And possibly once more for money.
+Oh, listen, it is hopeless. Poor Apu....
+Hey, the government don't control the sky. What if you lived in a balloon?
+That's it!
+Didja hear that, Mom? She's as dumb as me!
+No, not what he said -- what he is. Grandfather. As in "grandfather clause". Apu, how long ago did your visa expire?
+Seven years, but I don't--
+But Apu, the vote on Proposition 24 is Tuesday. You'll have to pass the test before then.
+Oh no. That is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history.
+Oh. It can't be that many. C'mon, Apu. I'll be your tutor.
+Please identify this object.
+It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the public library last year.
+Correct. Now we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck. But why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?
+Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date. The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
+Uh... partial credit.
+Now, they may ask you to locate your town on a map of the U.S, so let's do that. Uh, Springfield, Springfield... Ah, right here.
+Da-ad! You're not pointing anywhere near Springfield. It's over here, Apu.
+Hey, whatcha doin -- studyin'?
+I'm so confused! I don't even know where I'm getting kicked out of anymore.
+Sign's floatin' away, Chief.
+...Executive, legislative, and, uh, judicial.
+No, no, and no. Maybe we should start all over with the electrical college.
+Please, Mr. Simpson, my brain needs sleep. The test is in six hours, and many of these facts you speak of are completely new to me.
+Sleep is for the weak, Apu! Now I'm gonna go to bed while you look over my notes from ninth grade history.
+Okay, Apu: stay awake and stay focused. "Cotton Mather..."
+Oh no! I fell asleep. I have forgotten everything that Mr. Homer taught me!
+Perfect. Let's roll.
+Dude, Karma.
+Alright men, here's the order of deportations. First we'll be rounding up your tired, then your poor, then your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
+Breathers -- got it.
+All right, here's your last question: What was the cause of the Civil War?
+Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors both domestic and international played a significant--
+Just say slavery.
+Slavery it is, Sir.
+Yes! I'm a citizen! Now, which way to the welfare office?
+I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work. I work.
+Thank you. I want to say thank you to everyone. From this day forth, I am no longer an Indian living in America. I am an Indian-American!
+You know, Apu, in a way, all Americans are immigrants -- except Native Americans.
+Yeah, native Americans like us.
+No, I mean American Indians.
+Like me.
+No, I mean--
+Hi, everyone. If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker.
+Now that you're all relaxed... Most of us here were born in America. We take this country for granted. But not immigrants like Apu. While the rest of us are drinking ourselves stupid, they're driving the cabs that get us home safely...
+They're writing the operas that entertain us every day...
+They're training our tigers, and kicking our extra points... These people are the glue that holds together the gears of our society.
+If we pass Proposition 24, we'll be losing some of the truest Americans of all.
+He's right! / You said it, Homer! / etc.
+When you go to the polls tomorrow, please -- vote "NO" on Proposition 24!
+NO ON 24! NO ON 24! NO ON 24! NO - ON - TWEN - TY - FOUR!
+It's a landslide: Yes on 24! The Proposition passed with a record 95 percent--
+When are people going to learn -- Democracy doesn't work!
+Please don't knock the land that I love. Jury duty! Oh. Today, I am truly an American citizen.
+Just thank heaven everything worked out for the people we care about.
+Ach. Ingrates.
+Wow. You know, most of my life I've... I've had to live with the shame of being a screw-up. But now, as I stand here with the award for the district's Safest Bus Driver, well it's -- it's like a dream come true.
+Otto, wake up!
+So, um, who's good at keeping secrets?
+"Dear parents. Due to yesterday's unscheduled field trip to the auto wrecking yard, the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. By reading this letter out loud, you have waived any legal responsibility on our part in perpetuity, throughout the universe."
+Well we'll have to organize a carpool. Every day will be like a road trip!... With your dad!... To school!
+So how 'bout those rainbow suspenders, huh?
+Pretty cool way to keep your pants up, eh?
+I see these kids now with "jive" printed on their shirts. Now, I can teach you how you're supposed to say "jive"...
+Dad? Please just drive the car, Dad.
+Hullabalooza is a music festival -- the greatest music festival of all time.
+I'm watching the road, sweetie. "You jiiive turkey!" See? You got to "sass" it. "Quit jiiiving me, turkey!" You gotta "sass" it. A turkey is a bad person.
+K-F-S-L! "Fossil" 103. Classic hits from "Abba" to "Zeppelin, comma Led."
+Tell him.
+Uh, Mr. Simpson, sir? Can you please change the radio station?
+But this is Grand Funk Railroad! You guys back there know Grand Funk, right?
+Nobody knows the band, Grand Funk? The wild shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drumwork of Don Brewer? Oh, man.
+For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library!
+And when I listen to a really good song, I start nodding my head, like I'm saying "yes!" to every beat. "Yes, yes, yes this rocks!" And then sometimes I switch it up like "No, no, no, don't stop a-rockin'..."
+Dad, please. You're embarrassing us.
+No, I'm not. I'm teaching you about rock music.
+Now -- Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of Hovercraft...
+Dad! No one cares about any of your stupid dinosaur bands! You have the worst, lamest taste in music ever!
+I'm just trying to party with you guys.
+Homer, first of all it's "par-tay." And second, we wouldn't par-tay with you if you were the last dad on earth.
+Hi there! Been a while since I set foot in Good Vibrations Music. Where can I find the latest releases by "Bread?"
+Oldies.
+Oldies?
+But you've got all the top bands in here. Styx? I just heard them on "The King Biscuit Flour Hour." Now here are some of your no-name bands: Sonic Youth, Nine Inch Nails, Hullabalooza...
+Karma. Karma.
+There can only be one truly great music festival a lifetime, and it's the US Festival.
+The what festival?
+The US Festival! Geez! It was sponsored by that guy from Apple Computers.
+What Computers?
+Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.
+Quadraphonic sound, a waterbed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to the Second-Base mobile.
+Wicked!
+Back then, we didn't care what anyone thought, and the chicks found that irresistible.
+I think you're cool, Homer Simpson.
+Sandra, that was mean.
+But most of all, I remember the music.
+You make me feel like dancing...
+I wanna dance the night away!
+What the hell are you two doing?
+It's called rocking out.
+You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it.
+I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you.
+No way, man. We're gonna keep on rocking forever... forever... forever...
+Forever... forever... forever...
+What's wrong, Homie?
+I went to the record store today, and they were playing all this music I'd never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.
+Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me. Music is none of my business.
+Before we start -- We have a lost child here. If she is not claimed within the next hour, she will become the property of Blockbuster Entertainment.
+That's fine for you, Marge. But I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-a-ry day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove!
+Well, good. Try to include Bart and Lisa.
+Dear Lord, if you keep Homer from embarrassing us today, we promise to build several churches in your honor.
+Bart, no!
+Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!
+Dad, you forgot to pick up Milhouse!
+I did? I must be getting forgetful in my old age. Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine.
+What are you talking about?
+Well... what have we here? Looks like your un-cool dad scored tickets to Hullabalooza.
+Bart, these look real.
+Check the authenticator spot.
+This is an authentic Hullabalooza ticket. For authentic refreshment, eat Clark Bars. And for totally outrageous class rings, it's Josten's. Gooooo, Josten's!
+You're not going to school today. Today, your classroom will be the Capitol City Amphitheater. Your teacher? Four dozen rock bands. So get ready for some well-supervised craziness while you rock out with your father. Woo hoo!
+Wow, it's like Woodstock. Only with advertisements everywhere and tons of security guards.
+People, have your tickets out. Throw your cameras out. Surrender all identification.
+Oh, my homemade Kahlua.
+Generation X may be shallow, but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people.
+Hey, a freak show!
+Thank you. Thank you very much. And now the band you've all been waiting for... Cypress Hill!
+What is that smell?
+It smells like Otto's jacket.
+Oh, I get it.
+Dad, you cannot wear that! That's a rastafarian hat!
+Hey, I've been safari-in' since before you were born.
+Wearing a Jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your connection to reggae music.
+Well, excuuuuuuse me!
+You know what, Dad? Maybe we'll go exploring on our own for a while.
+Well, Homer, this is it. Time to get back with the people. The young people.
+Alright. Yeah.
+Cool concert, am I right?
+Yeah, nice try, narc!
+Where's the Narc! / Who? / That fat Jamaican guy.
+What did I say? What's going on?
+Hey, we're just trying to have a good time, narc. Why do you want to destroy us?
+Don't commit your hate crimes here. Hate crime!
+Okay, I'm heading out now! More butt support! More butt support!
+It may be bleak, but this music is really getting to the crowd.
+Aw, making teenagers depressed is like shootin' fish in a barrel.
+Oh, it makes no sense. I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool. I've been kicked out of paradise.
+I'll never be part of the scene again!
+Oh man, there goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off.
+You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off. I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale.
+Dad, are you okay?
+I'm fine.
+Sir, I run Hullabalooza's Pageant of the Trans-Mundane -- the freak show -- and I've been looking for a big fatso to shoot with a cannon. I'd like very much for you to be that fatso.
+So you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.
+I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
+Of course you have a choice.
+How do you figure?
+You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
+You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people...
+And now, get ready for the man...with the iron stomach!
+Hi, everybody. Is everybody... good?
+Thank you. Thank you very much.
+"Stay in school. Your hero, Homer."
+Hey, Cannonball -- I like your statement: When life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
+Homer Simpson, smiling politely. You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.
+Well, we try to make a difference.
+Dear Bart and Lisa...
+All is well on tour with America's most popular alternative music festival...
+Our first job is to entertain...
+...and I like to think sometimes we get a message across as well.
+But the main thing is, I've finally tapped into that spirit of self-destruction that makes rock 'n' roll the king of musics.
+Woo hoo!
+Hello, ticket-holders!
+Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool.
+Are you being sarcastic, dude?
+I don't even know anymore.
+Thank you! And remember: Don't trust anyone over thirty. And now, Peter Frampton!
+Thanks, Homer. Homer Simpson everyone!
+Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield.
+Is it true that we have to bring our own water?
+We've got a little rule back home: if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.
+The hometown show's the big one, Homer.
+Yeah, people who called you a weirdo in high school get to see what a successful freak you've become.
+Hey -- I wasn't a weirdo. I was in the Audio Visual Club.
+Really? Me, too. But I got kicked out 'cause of my views on Vietnam. Also, I was stealing projectors.
+Anyway, get ready, beer belly! We're gonna show Springfield what we're made of!
+Alright, Homer! / etc.
+That was odd.
+Gee. I don't like the sound of that.
+No biggie. I'm cool.
+Homer, nothing's more important to me than the health and well-being of my freaks. I'm sending you to a vet.
+My God. Those cannonballs have practically demolished your stomach. From now on, no cannonballs, no spicy foods, and when you lie in a hammock, please -- rest your beer on your head or your genitals.
+Rules. I'm a rocker. I don't care for rules.
+Mr. Simpson, this is serious. If you take one more cannonball to the gut... you will die!
+Die? Well, you don't scare me, Doc. 'Cause dying would be a stone groove. Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?
+Yes, pick up your puppy.
+So what's it like being famous, Dad?
+People know your name, but you don't know theirs. It's great.
+Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs?
+What religion are you?
+You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life -- Christianity.
+What's with all the questions?
+Just some report I gotta do for school. Hey, you want some pie?
+Sure, we've got a lotta catchin' up to do.
+Clear the way. Clear the way. Performer coming through.
+This is so exciting. Last time I got to go backstage was when Bart ripped his pants at the Christmas play.
+Haw-haw!
+Hello, bands. Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? C'mon, people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra... possibly while high. Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.
+Hey, man, did we order an orchestra? Uh, I don't know... I think we gotta do somethin'.
+Uh, uh, yeah, yeah, we think we did. Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"?
+We mostly know classical. But we could give it a shot.
+Now this I like.
+Do you feel... like we do.
+Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'!
+Hey! My shoes are talkin', too!
+Don't worry, we won't hurt you.
+We only want to have some fun.
+And to think, Smithers -- you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster. "Nobody's going to pay a 100% service charge."
+Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, Sir.
+Do you feel like we do?! Springfield... Yeah!
+Do... wait... Do you... do you feel... do... do you feel...? oh, come on... Do you feel?
+...so I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
+Ah, Homer Simpson wrecks my pig. Cypress Hill steals my orchestra. And Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get outta there, you kids!
+Aw c'mon, Mr. Frampton, you're not gonna eat all that watermelon.
+Please, I'm trying to perform.
+Go ahead. We'll stay here and guard your cooler.
+And now, Springfield, this is the moment that you've been waiting for... The man who embodies everything about rock 'n' roll, except the music. Give it up for your very own homegrown hero -- Homer -- Simpson!
+I used to carpool with that guy.
+Oh, this is heavy. Okay, Homer, don't fear the Reaper.
+Oh, I'm gonna die.
+Cannons are designed to hurt. They're designed to hurt.
+Shh, Mom. Dad needs our support.
+You're the coolest dad alive!
+Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
+There might be one in this cooler.
+Oh. Here we go.
+Aw, man. Homer wussed out. I'm so disillusioned.
+Hey, Hullabalooza isn't about freaks. It's about music and advertising and youth-oriented product positioning.
+That and getting toasted. Nicely toasted.
+Homer, I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak, unless that's his act. I expect your letter of resignation on my desk.
+You have a desk?
+I mean the hood of my car.
+I'll miss you Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak world view. I've got too much to live for.
+We envy you, Homer. All we have is our music, our legions of fans, our millions of dollars, and our youth.
+Woo Hoo!
+Let's all go out and buy fur coats!
+I want a walk-in humidor.
+Dad, what you just said was powerfully un-cool.
+You know what the song says, "It's hip to be square."
+That song is so lame.
+So lame that it's cool?
+Am I cool, kids?
+Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool -- not caring, right?
+Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
+Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
+Well, sure you do.
+How else would you know?
+Hey, Bart, summer's almost here. Which kind of sprinkler do you like: the one that goes like this? Or the one that goes like this?! Oh, and there's this one!
+It's the last day of school, Milhouse. Try to show some dignity.
+Gentlemen, start your chimes...
+School's out! Up yours, Krabappel!
+Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning.
+Here you go, Ma'am.
+Hmm. Quick work. How'd you know he was gonna run?
+We've got someone on the inside.
+The reward for a year's worth of toil and sacrifice: Retrospecticus.
+The Leatheroleum covers were worth the extra money! Oh, you can smell the benzene!
+Oh, when the kids see these layouts and fonts, you're going to be the most popular girl in school!
+You know something, BeeZee? I think you're right.
+And so as Abraham Lincoln sat in Ford's Theater that night, John Wilkes Booth entered, drew his gun and...
+Well, that's it. Have a nice summer, everyone.
+But what happened in Ford's theater?
+Was President Lincoln okay?
+He was fine.
+Go home, Ralph.
+In the beginning of the school year, each of you received a colored ticket. I hope everyone still has theirs.
+Who died and made you boss?
+Mr. Estes, the publications advisor. I edited the whole thing.
+If you hadn't done it, some other loser would have! So quit milkin' it!
+Hey, will you guys sign my yearbook?
+This is Becky, she's in the second grade.
+Hi, Becky. Thanks for comin' out.
+"See ya!" He writes the way people talk!
+Your daughter is named Seymour?
+Well, I... I lied -- it's for me.
+I don't get it. Straight A's, perfect attendance, Bathroom Timer... I should be the most popular girl in school.
+Homer, I'm in a rhubarb of a pickle of a jam here. I was all set to go off on vacation, when I get called up for jury duty. Oh, it's a corker of a case -- seems a man drove up onto a traffic island and hit a decorative rowboat full of geraniums.
+Now they're trying it as a maritime offense. So anyhoo, how'd you like to use my beach house? Free of charge.
+I only get two weeks of vacation a year -- and you want me to spend it in your lousy beach house?
+Well, if it'll seal the deal, I'll take a look at your septic tank. See if I can get her hummin' again.
+Deal. See, Flanders, you give a little, you get a little.
+Hello, "Mr. Brown Ground", whatcha got for me?
+... And you're sure the Flanderses won't be there? Well, it sounds great!
+Bart, you can invite Milhouse. Lisa, you can bring a friend, too.
+Heyyy, great, a friend... or a companion... ... stuffed animal...
+Well, did you call one of your friends?
+Friends? Hah! These are my only friends...
+Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal. And even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
+Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
+Mom, why don't I have any friends?
+We have each other! When I was a lonely little girl, I always dreamed that someday my daughter would be my best friend.
+We are best friends, Mom. But I'm a kid. I need friends my own age, too.
+Honey, you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
+Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked. Look at all these dorky clothes... A bathing cap... nose plugs...
+A microscope at the beach -- ugh, what was I thinking?
+Mom, I'm gonna tighten Milhouse's straps. He's fidgeting again.
+Lisa, let's go!
+Hey. Hmm, somebody's travelin' light.
+Maybe you're getting stronger.
+Well, I have been eating more...
+Wave bye-bye to our house, Maggie. Bye-bye, tree.
+Bye-bye, job.
+Bye-bye toothbrush.
+Bye-bye Lisa Simpson.
+When the hell are we gonna get to... where the hell are we going?
+It's called Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport. It's known as "America's scrod-basket."
+I thought Springfield was America's scrod-basket.
+No, Springfield is "America's crud-bucket." At least according to Newsweek.
+"Wel-diddly-elcome Simpsons." Oh, geez. He actually wrote "diddly."
+That was thoughtful.
+I left a few helpful notes around the house...
+Put food in me.
+I'll take that.
+Well, duh! With what, Ned?
+Nice try, Todd.
+Isn't this fun, honey?
+It must be exciting to make a different set of beds.
+I know you're joking -- but it is! Say, why don't you put on your swimsuit and head for the beach?
+Well, it's kind of funny... with all the craziness and confusion and mishegoss of packing... Ha... I forgot to pack.
+Lisa, that's not at all like you.
+Exactly.
+I forgot my swimsuit, too. But I improvised.
+Uh, Mom, I'm kinda trying to go for a different look this year.
+Oh, okay.
+Ohhhh, how about this adorable sun-suit. It has a starfish on the fanny and it comes with its own pail!
+Mom, come here. Bring money.
+So where do you want to show off your new hip togs? The Sherbet Shoppe? The Candle District? Big Sue's Tap Water Taffy?
+Um, if it's okay with you, Mom, I'd rather go find some kids.
+Oh... okay.
+You'll be my friend. I'm never gonna let you get away.
+Last one in is a yearbook editor!
+Full speed ahead. Prepare to dive! Dive!
+It's low tide, boys.
+I wonder where all the kids are.
+Hey, a library! No, I can't. That's the old nerdy Lisa.
+Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas -- and make me live again.
+We've got periodicals on microfiche!
+Won't you join our tea party? It will be ever so -- Don't do it, Lisa, it's a trick!
+Run! Run!
+I don't see any kids at all. It's like they ditched me in advance.
+So he goes, like .
+I can totally hear him going that.
+Only kids are that incoherent!
+So my mom tried to take me to some candle place, but I'm all, like, no way.
+Like, you know, whatever. Like, you know, whatever.
+Hey, what's hap--
+Okay, okay, okay... not your fault, it's a bird thing. You don't control the birds -- you will someday, but not now.
+Who's that?
+I'unno. Some kid.
+Hey, I like your hat.
+A compliment!
+Thanks. Umm... You guys skate?
+Try to, but cops always confiscate our boards.
+Yeah, and you just know they're using them like five minutes later down at the station.
+I think I know a place you can skate that's virtually deserted.
+Like, you know, whatever.
+Hey, this place rocks. What'd you say your name was?
+Didn't. It's Lisa.
+I'm Erin. So how'd you know about this place? Y'into books?
+Me? Unlikely. My goony brother's always going to libraries. I usually hang out in front.
+Oh, you like hangin' out, too?
+Well, it beats doing stuff.
+Yeah, stuff sucks.
+Hey, you up? You can use my board.
+Okay... thanks. That's very, uh... "rad" of you.
+Hey, Bart, Lisa's skateboarding with some cool kids! And she looks like Blossom!
+Lisa? With people? If they're impressed by her, I'm gonna Bart their world. Okay, Milhouse, you know the drill.
+Right. You go over and wow them, I hide in the shrubs.
+Hot stuff comin' through!
+My friendship. You know you want it.
+The kid, like, tries too hard.
+Yeah, the whole thing smacks of effort, man.
+That's my dorky little brother, Bart --tholomew.
+Like, who does he think he is with that slingshot in his back pocket? Dennis the Menace?
+How'd it go? Are we down with them?
+No. They must have seen you.
+Oh, why do we have to play this lousy old game?
+Because it was the only one in the house. Come on, Homer, open the door for your Mystery Date!
+Ooh, Captain of the Football Team! He's a dreamboat! Don't wait up, Marge.
+Okay, Bart, your turn, your turn.
+You got "The Dud!"
+Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter!
+How come Lisa doesn't have to play? Why does she get to hang out with her friends?
+You've got friends. You got "The Dud" right here. Stand up for yourself, Poindexter!
+Wow, Lisa, I never appreciated all this like... sea junk before.
+Hey, that clam's got legs.
+That's a hermit crab. When she outgrows her old shell, she finds a new one that's a better fit.
+Don't be afraid, little friend. You'll be the most popular crab on the beach.
+Aww, a gift from my favorite crustacean.
+Um, did you learn that word from a teacher or something?
+No. No, I heard it on "Baywatch."
+Hmm. I bet this place sells illegal fireworks. Just go in and act casual, like you buy 'em all the time.
+Um... let me have one of those porno magazines... a large box of condoms... a bottle of Old Harper... a couple of those panty shields... and some illegal fireworks... and one of those disposable enemas. No, make it two.
+My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks is prohibited in this state and is punishable by--
+Follow me.
+Any red-blooded, flag-fearing American would love the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.
+All right.
+'Pretty cool of your mom to let us hang out here.
+Totally. Not like my mom. She'd be butting in with rice crispie squares and Tang.
+My dad's all stoked 'cause today's the Fourth of July. He woke me up at dawn to take a loyalty oath.
+My mom's French, so we only celebrate Bastille Day.
+Well, we could do something fun. Um, how 'bout a beach party?
+Great idea, Lis.
+Yeah, I know where there's a beach!
+I know where we can get some baguettes!
+Gee, I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?
+Check this out: "Miss Perfect Attendance".
+This baby's sure to kill something. Okay, now everybody -- stand back while I celebrate freedom. Bart, give me your matches.
+Fresh out.
+No lighter?... Nothin'?
+Wait, I got it.
+The beer!
+Oh, this is the worst Fourth of July ever. I hate America! Come on, Milhouse, let's go down there.
+I don't think you should. Let Lisa be alone with her new friends.
+They're my friends, rightfully. She only got them by copying me!
+Don't have a cow, man!
+See?! That's my expression!
+Oh, you haven't said that in four years. Let Lisa have it.
+It's the principle. She's gotta learn!
+No! Now park your keister, meester!
+Aye carumba!
+Hey, Lis, I made something for ya.
+It's a friendship bracelet.
+For me? Wow, my first real friend... ...ship bracelet. I don't have anything for you... ...except this necklace I made.
+Oh, cool. Thanks, Lisa. Hey, cinnamon dental floss!
+I just know we're gonna be friends forever.
+So Lisa has a friend. We'll see about that.
+Bart! I need my glasses!
+Oh, nice doggie.
+What's he doing here?
+My yearbook! No!
+Hey, you guys! You wanna see how cool Lisa Simpson really is?
+"Grammar Rodeo -- Head Buccaroo".
+"The French Table" -- ooh la la.
+"Teachers' Pet"?
+Hey, Lis.
+I guess my little yearbook stunt was pretty rough, but it did teach you a lesson: It's important to be yourself.
+I know exactly who I am. I am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean little sneak.
+You cost me my only friends! You ruined my life!
+Hey, kids, there's a carnival tonight!
+Oh boy, a carnival!
+Kids! Stop that! Don't make me get the carney!
+Hey, Lisa, make friends with this!
+Hellllp! Hellllp!
+Remember, kids, there's no need to bump! Just enjoy the ride!
+Lisa, wait!
+Being myself didn't work... Being someone else didn't work... Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends.
+Lisa is gonna freak when she sees this.
+Well, hurry up. They'll be back soon.
+Okay, you found out I'm an over-achieving bookworm. So whatever mean prank you're pulling, just finish it up and send me a Polaroid. I'm going to sleep.
+Wait, Lisa. Look.
+Cool, huh?
+Now you can take the beach with you wherever you go!
+Uh... But don't drive at night.
+Does this mean you still want to be friends? Even though I tried to cover up my nerdish... leanings?
+Look, we don't care who you were. You can't fake the kind of good person you are.
+Ohmigod, Bart, look!
+Yeah. You taught us about cool things like nature and why we shouldn't drink sea water.
+This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever --
+Sweet merciful crap! My car!
+The polite thing to do would've been to clean the shells first. Shoo, shoo!
+I guess I should give this back to you.
+I showed it to your friends again before we left.
+Look inside.
+Oh. Thanks, Bart.
+I signed it too!
+Uh huh.
+Well, get a last look at the beautiful ocean scenery, kids.
+Did you hear that, Bart?
+Maybe it was just the cat.
+No. She's sleeping with
+Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night?
+Attic? Oh, that's silly. Seriously, though, don't ever go up there.
+Homer, isn't it about time for the... ...you know.
+Yeah, yeah. I'll go feed it.
+Fish heads, fish heads, do de do de doo...
+What's up there? / Is it a monster? / We have to know! / What's the secret?
+No more questions. I work my butt off to feed you four kids and all you do I -- what?
+Three! We have three kids, Homer!
+Yeah, three nosy kids. And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions?
+No, what? / What? / Tell us, what happens? / Does something happen?
+Hurry up! Mom and Dad'll be home soon!
+The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography.
+Bart, do you think it's safe?
+I don't care. I can't breathe in here.
+See, Marge? Who needs a car wash when you can just drive around in the rain.
+MomDadWeSawSomethingInTheAtticAnd --
+You went into the attic? I'm very disappointed and terrified.
+Oh my God, Marge, it's escaped!
+Yes, Doctor, it's what we've always feared: it's loose. Hugo is loose. See you soon.
+Who or what is Hugo?
+I'm afraid we haven't been entirely honest with you, Bart. You see... you have a brother.
+So I have two brothers?
+Lisa, please. Yes, Bart, you have a twin brother. You see, when you were born, there was... an irregularity.
+A monstrous irregularity.
+Yes, I remember Bart's birth well. You don't forget a thing like... Siamese twins.
+I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins."
+And hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil," but it ain't gonna happen. Now normally, the birth of Siamese twins is a joyous occasion... But unfortunately, one of them was pure evil.
+I think I'll bottle-feed that one.
+A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil. It was then I knew the only option was to separate you two immediately.
+You'll both need to sign these.
+But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town, the child was an outcast. So we did the only humane thing.
+We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
+It saved our marriage!
+You expect me to believe all this? If any of it was true, wouldn't I have a big, hideous scar...
+We've got to find Hugo.
+We'll search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to.
+I'll start with Radio Shack.
+Right. Bart, you stay home and tape the hockey game.
+You're here, aren't you?
+Yes, Bart. I never left you.
+W-w-what do you want from me?
+You'll see. After the surgery.
+You're crazy!
+Am I? Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy. I know I am. I went mad after they tore us apart. But I'll be sane once I sew us back together.
+But you'll kill both of us!
+No, it's easy. Look, I've been practicing. I made a pigeon-rat...
+Well, let's get started. You want to be on the right or the left?
+Hugo, stop!
+There, there, Hugo. I understand. All those years caged up in here... why, you've probably never even seen your own face in the mirror, have you? Here...
+We think we saw Hugo at the airport! He was boarding a plane to Switzerland and... Oh.
+You know, isn't it interesting how the left, or sinister, twin is invariably the evil one? I had this theor... Wait a minute, Hugo's scar is on the wrong side! He couldn't have been the evil left twin! That means the evil twin is, and always has been... Bart.
+Oh, don't look so shocked.
+Well, chalk this one up to carelessness on my part. But I think there's a way to set everything right.
+Care for a drumstick, Hugo?
+Mom, Hugo's eating his napkin!
+Hey, can I have some turkey?
+Oh, finish your fish heads. Then we'll talk.
+This tooth will be perfect for my science project.
+Hey, Dad.
+Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol and Chinese food. But I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone.
+Hey, Lis. Check out my science project.
+Ow! What's that supposed to prove?
+That nerds conduct electricity.
+Ow! Stupid Bart!
+Oh boy! Mold! That's science-fair paydirt!
+Hmmm. Looks about the same.
+Tiny little people!
+My God. I've created life!
+Lisa! Breakfast! We're having waffles!
+Ooo, waffles!
+Hey, these aren't waffles -- these are just square pancakes!
+I'm sorry, honey. The waffle iron's in the shop.
+That waffle iron's been in the shop forever.
+So, how are my little stone age tub dwellers? Oh my gosh!
+They're evolving so quickly! They've already reached the Renaissance... Wait! One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral! I've created Lutherans!
+Wow, it's almost like seeing into the future!
+Hey, what is this goo? Are you trying to grow a friend?
+Hey, you built a model city. Is that the school?
+Oops, my fingers slipped. Oops, my fingers slipped. Oops, my fingers slipped.
+Ba-rt stop it!
+Oh, my poor little guys. That Bart is so rude.
+What the heck? Gah!
+Your micro-jerks attacked me!
+Lookin' good, son.
+Well, you practically destroyed their whole world!
+You can't protect them every second. Sooner or later you'll let your guard down, and then -- flush! It's toilet time for tiny town.
+It worked! The debigulator worked!
+Hail Liiiiiiisaaaaaaa.
+Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa.
+Your world is incredible! And you speak English!
+We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O Creator, and we have learned to imatoot you exarktly.
+You think I'm God?
+But of course. You look down on us from heaven. You gave us life. And only your divine intervention can save us from the devil.
+The devil? What devil?
+The one you call "Bart."
+Oh, no-no-no-no, you don't understand. Bart's just my brother.
+The devil is your brother?
+I must say we find that quite perplexing.
+Uh, God, hi. Bill Watson... I, uh, live in the Clark Building. I have a question. If you're so good, why do you allow bad things to happen?
+Why am I so fat?
+Listen, I can take care of everything. All you have to do is unshrink me.
+Unshrink you? Well that would require some sort of a... "rebigulator," which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle.
+But... Oh, but not at you o holiest of gods with the wrathfulness, and the vengeance, and the blood-rain, and the hey, hey, hey, it hurts me.
+Look, the destroyer! He returns!
+Help! / Save us, Lisa! / Help us God! / Etc.
+Bart, noooo!
+What?! Wh-wh-wh-what's happenin'?! Is it noon already?
+First rate work, Bart. This universe you've created is even more impressive than Martin's milk carton ukulele. Willie, you can throw out the other projects, we have a winner!
+Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate!
+Oh, great. I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.
+Shouldn't you people be groveling? And bring me some shoes. Nice ones!
+She'll want socks, too. I'll get socks.
+Ahh, the ole fishin' hole. So peaceful and relaxing, it doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish.
+Come on, you stupid fish! Take the bait! Don't make me come down there!
+What the-- whosa-- sonofa-
+Oh my God... space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
+Silence. We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet whose name we'd prefer not to mention. My name is Kang, and this is my sister, Kodos.
+I suppose you'll want to probe me. Well, might as well get it over with.
+Stop. We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.
+This is a mission of conquest. Take us to your leader.
+I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington, D.C.
+President Clin-Ton. Excellent.
+Except... um, there's this election next week, so after that it might not be him anymore. It might be what's-his-name, uh, Mumbly-Joe... uh, I saw him on TV the other... Uh, Bob Dole.
+Hmm... an election. That complicates matters. Set grid coordinates for Bob Dole.
+Well, 'night, everybody.
+'Night Sir / Good night, Mr. Dole / Good luck next week.
+What? Bob Dole doesn't need this.
+What the hell is this -- some kind of tube?
+Well, thanks for taking care of Dole for me. I, uh -- Hey!
+Commence bio-duplication.
+Oh no. Aliens... bio-duplication... nude conspiracies... Oh my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right!
+What? Are you still here? I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you.
+No! NO! What are you spraying me with!?
+Rum. So no one will believe your story.
+And don't come back!
+Kent Brockman here with "Campaign '96: America Flips A Coin". At an appearance this morning, President Clinton made some rather cryptic remarks, which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie.
+I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
+That's Slick Willie for you. Always with the smooth talk.
+Marge, Marge! There I was, I had just caught the largest fish you'd ever seen, when I was abducted by a flying saucer!
+Sure you were, rummy.
+That's one of the creatures!
+Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
+It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed. DOOMED!
+Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole.
+These candidates make me want to vomit in terror! I've got to stop them!
+Ladies and gentlemen, seventy-three-year-old candidate Bob Dole!
+Abortions for all!
+Very well. No abortions for anyone!
+Hmm... Abortions for some... miniature American flags for others!
+Move us?
+Fooling these Earth-voters is easier than expected.
+Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone-solo or infant kiss.
+Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit... confused, by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
+We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.
+My fellow Americans: as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward... upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
+Stop! Those candidates are phonies!
+You heard me -- They're alien replicons from beyond the moon!
+Don't forget your stinkin' flag.
+Oh, why won't anybody believe my crazy story?
+Hold on guys. I'll help ya!
+Oh, no, am I still here? I don't wanna serve out my term naked in a tube.
+I am so mad at the secret service right now. Hey, who the hell are you?
+I'm Homer Simpson, Sir, and I'm gonna get you back to Washington before it's too late!
+You know, Senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think. Partisan politics are tearing our country apart.
+You've got a point there, Bill. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas, we're gonna have to set aside our differences.
+Together we can lead America into a new golden age.
+Friend, you've got a deal. Homer -- let us out! It's time to tear those aliens a third corn-chute.
+Oh no! What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do?!
+It's in Cypress Creek. Upstate somewhere.
+Oh yeah. So long, Stinktown.
+The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again! Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ka... ... Bob Dole!
+I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.
+America, take a good look at your beloved candidates! They're nothing but hideous space reptiles!
+It's true. We are aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us!
+Well, I believe I'll vote for a third party candidate.
+Go ahead -- throw your vote away!
+All hail President Kang!
+Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.
+Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.
+I WORK FOR MONTY BURNS! / MUH MUH MUH MUH MUH MUH MUH MONTY BURNS!...
+Mr. Smithers? May we offer you a ride to work?
+No, thank you.
+We're from Globex Corporation. We'd like to talk to you about an exciting employment opportunity in our nuclear division.
+Flattered, but spoken for.
+We're prepared to offer you an impressive salary, plus health benefits for you and your life partner.
+The answer is no! What's wrong with this country?! Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?
+We'll have to go to the next most senior man at the plant. Ah, oh, here we are. Ten years experience. His name is...
+Marge! I've got a new job! It's with Globex Corporation. I get more money plus health benefits, for me and my life partner. And they'll move us and give us a nice house and...
+You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family?
+Of course not. I wouldn't do that. Why not?
+We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards... Bart's lawyer is here.
+But Marge, this is a chance for me to fulfill my lifelong dream.
+What lifelong dream?
+Promise not to laugh? I always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys.
+I'm sorry, Dad. I just find that very cute.
+Homer, I don't want to leave Springfield. I've dug myself into a happy little rut here and I'm not about to hoist myself out of it.
+Just bring the rut with you, honey. Come on, take a look.
+Cypress Creek. A tale of one city...
+Ah, let's watch something else.
+Homer! You're trying to talk us into moving to this place.
+Oh yeah, that's right. Let's watch this.
+Look at this place.
+Somebody oughta build a town that works.
+Somebody did.
+It's called Cypress Creek. A planned community designed for the workers of the Globex Corporation.
+Cypress Creek. Where dreams come true.
+Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries, and shareholders.
+Well! What do you think of me and Cypress Creek now, Marge?
+It does seem nicer than Springfield.
+Yeah. Did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before.
+Me neither!
+Well, we could use the extra money... and this house is falling apart.
+All right.
+Oh, wow, windows. I don't think I can afford this place.
+No it hasn't, Dad. That's why we're leaving.
+Hello. I am not interested in buying the house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, re-arrange your carefully shelved items, and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels.
+Thank you! Come again!
+We'll never sell this rotten dump.
+Ah, 'little help here?
+Even if we sell the house, we still won't come close to paying off the mortgage.
+Heeeeey...
+Uh... Homer... Ah, about those things you borrowed from me over the years -- you know -- the TV trays, the power sander, that downstairs bathtub... you going to be needing those things in Cypress Creek?
+Oh... uh...
+Okily dokily.
+Okily dokily.
+'Bye-diddly-i.
+So long.
+God bless you.
+See ya.
+Good-bye.
+Bye-bye, Homer.
+Take care.
+So long.
+Fare thee well.
+Arr, bon voyage.
+Toodle-oo.
+Uh, so long.
+Bye-bye.
+'Bye, everybody.
+Bye-bye.
+Sayonara, dudes.
+So long.
+Bye-bye.
+Bye-bye now.
+See ya.
+Bye-bye.
+Haw-haw.
+I'm gonna miss Springfield. This town's been awfully good to us.
+It says here one of these giant redwood trees can provide enough sawdust to cover an entire day's worth of vomit at Disneyland.
+Oooh! Aaah! Ohhh!
+Here we are, 15201 Maple Systems Road... Our new home.
+I call this room!
+I am here to welcome you on behalf of the President of the Globex Corporation, me. Try the papayas. They're juicy and full of papayine. Makes you strong. Like Popeye. Popeye, papayine. Popeye, papayine. See, same thing? Same... Ah, forget it. How are ya? I'm Hank Scorpio.
+Wow! My boss!
+Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me above the other people. I'm just like you.
+Aw sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations. But I don't like the word "boss". Hey, look at my feet.
+Okay...
+You like those moccasins? Look in your closet -- there's a pair for you. Don't like 'em? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here!
+Ha! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe?
+Yes, once.
+Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.
+We don't have bums in our town, Marge. And if we did, they wouldn't rush; they'd be allowed to go at their own pace. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of a Fun Run.
+See you at work tomorrow! Although I don't really like to call it "work"!
+Okay, the oven is cleaning itself, the autovac's on dirt patrol... Annnd Maggie's enjoying her Swingamajig...
+I can't believe it! I've done all my housework and it's only 9:30! Well, better go upstairs and make sure the beds are still made.
+You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
+Yes sir, I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.
+Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpi-o. But don't call me that, either. Call me Hank. Uh, say, before we continue our tour, would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please?
+Relax, Homer. At Globex, we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat.
+Having a place like this has always been my dream, Homer. What's your dream?
+Uh... to work for you?
+Don't do that. My butt is for sitting, not for kissing. Now you tell me the truth -- What's your real dream? Your real dream?
+Um... Someday I'd like to own the Dallas Cowboys.
+I bet people laughed at you when you told them that dream.
+Homer, don't give up. They laughed at me the first time I wore jeans with a sport coat. I was the first wealthy man in America to ever do that. Now they all do it!... Didja ever hear of Mike Milken?
+Ye... No.
+Now Homer, these gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears and, should the need arise, they'll fill in for any other part of your body. Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give them the benefit of your years of experience.
+Don't worry. That won't take long.
+The key to motivation is trust. Lemme show you what I mean.
+I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?
+All right.
+3... 2....
+One second... Hello?
+Oh my God, that guy's on the floor. Uh, that was a phone call. Don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.
+I fell off the jungle gym, and when I woke up, I was in here.
+I start fires!
+Yes? What happened?... When did that happen?... How much of it?... Oh, my goodness, I'll be right up! Homer, I've got to go upstairs, there's a problem. Somebody ate part of my lunch. I'm gonna leave everything to you. We're on a tight schedule; you keep them motivated.
+Are you guys working?
+Yes sir, Mr. Simpson.
+Could you, um... work any harder than this?
+Sure thing, boss.
+Hey, call me Homer.
+You got a fresh sound. It'll play well at this school.
+Hey, Bart, do you have a best friend yet? 'Cause I've been looking for someone to boss me around...
+Okay, folks, let's do it to it. Grammar, that is. Uh, everybody write down this sentence and circle the nouns.
+Bart, as the newest addition to our menagerie, you have the honors.
+Um... Uh...
+Well, let's start by reading the sentence...
+Two, wintim amd Jawwy wirt...
+So, you never learned cursive?
+Um, well, I know hell and damn and bi--
+Cursive handwriting. Script. Do you know the multiplication tables? Long division?
+I know of them.
+You know, Bart, I think you'd profit from a more remedial environment. I'm sure you'll feel right at home in... The "Leg-Up" Program.
+Guess I can't complain. Everything's perfect here.
+So, what are you in for?
+I moved here from Canada and they think I'm slow, eh?
+Hey, what's with you sad sacks?
+Okay. Now everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper. This week I hope we can finish our work on the letter "A."
+Let me get this straight. We're behind the rest of our class, and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are?
+Stop it! Stop it! Warren! Melvin! Gary! Dot! Gordy!
+Look, lady, I'm s'posed to be in the fourth grade.
+Sounds to me like someone's got a case of the "spose'das."
+Warren!
+Wildflowers! We don't have you in Springfield!
+Hello, Mr. Chipmunk! You're a Northern Reticulated Chipmunk! Yes, you are! You are so reticulated!
+Hi, Mrs. Owl! You're out kind of early!
+Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
+I knew you'd do well, Homer.
+Sports collectibles! Wow, a baseball made out of Secretariat!
+Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed! "To Berman's Dry Cleaning, Best Wishes, Tom Landry."
+Why don't you buy it?
+I can't buy that. Only management type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. Guys like me? I'm a guy like me!
+All right, team, it's the fourth quarter. The Lord gave us the atoms, and it's up to us to make 'em dance!
+Hey, if Tom Landry's hat doesn't motivate you, then I should just quit right now.
+I'm sorry, we're just a little tired, sir. We've been pushing ourselves real hard to get the reactor on-line.
+Tired, eh? What you guys need... is hammocks.
+Oh, hi, Homer! What can I do for you?
+All right... What's the number?
+Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
+Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there are four places: There's the "Hammock Hut"; that's on Third...
+Uh-huh.
+There's "Hammocks-R-Us"...
+Got it...
+That's on Third, too. You got "Put Your Butt There"...
+Umm-hmmm...
+That's on Third.
+"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"...
+Right...
+That might... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the Hammock Complex, down on Third?
+Oh, the Hammock District.
+That's right.
+Ready for the linkup, Mr. Scorpio.
+Uh, Homer. One second. I gotta take care of this. Very important. 'Be right back.
+Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold. Or you face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this...
+Oh, my God! The 59th Street Bridge!
+Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
+We can't take that chance.
+You always say that. I want to take a chance.
+"Collapsed on its own" -- You schm... You have 72 hours. See ya.
+Back to the hammocks, my friend.
+You know, there's a little place called "Mary Ann's Hammocks". The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you. I'm just kiddin'.
+You know who invented the hammock, Homer?
+That's something for you to do. Find that out.
+Any sugar around here?
+Try in there, Homer.
+Hi, Homer! I'm keeping two of my fingers crossed that you're gonna have that nuclear generator up to full power by tomorrow.
+Uh... yessir. No problemo.
+Good. By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
+France.
+Nobody ever says Italy.
+I've never noticed this office before.
+Why should you? -- It's mine.
+Eh, you have any sugar around here?
+Sugar? Sure.
+Here you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?
+Eh... I... no.
+I LIKE ME / I LIKE ME / I'M AS GOOD AS I CAN BE / WITH A SMILE AND A WAVE AND A HAPPY MEL-O-DY / I'M AS GOOD AS I--
+Hooray! Everyone's a winner!
+Oh! The whole forest is blooming!
+Excuse me.
+Oh, my eyes are burning!
+Oh, little chipmunk friend. I'm allergic to everything!
+Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont?
+Scorpio, you are totally mad.
+Huh, I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.
+So, do you expect me to talk?
+I don't expect anything from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral.
+You're gonna die now.
+Stop him! He's supposed to die!
+Nice work, Homer. Am I prouda you!
+Well...
+When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house. Thank you.
+I tackled a loafer at work today.
+I'm allergic to everything here. My nose is so stuffed up, I can't even taste Mom's delicious boiled celery.
+I've been so bored since we moved here, I've found myself drinking a glass of wine every day. I know doctors say you should drink a glass and a half, but I just can't drink that much.
+Well, the Simpson men are doing fine, right, Bart? You haven't even gotten in trouble at school.
+I can't get in trouble at school. They put me in the remedial class! I'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all year round!
+Hey Dad...
+We want to go back to Springfield.
+What?! We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.
+It's up to you, Homer. Whatever you decide, that's what we'll do.
+T minus 1 minute 35 seconds.
+Uh, I've got a problem, Hank.
+Aw, gee, Homer, could it wait a sec, please?
+Well, it's pretty important.
+Say, what's going on?
+I'm having a little trouble with the government.
+Aw, those jerks. Always walking over the small businessman. Don't get me started about the government.
+What's the problem?
+Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield.
+Let 'em go. You'll stay here with me, we'll go bowling.
+What's bothering them?
+Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things.
+Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little things that make up life.
+Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family.
+Well... Thanks for everything, Hank.
+T minus 14 seconds.
+If you need anything, you call me.
+I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But Homer, on your way out, if you want to kill somebody, it would help me a lot.
+Hey Homer, you're missing out on some fun!
+Uh, oh, sorry. Let me just get my girlfriend and I'll go.
+Hey, Crystal, wake up.
+Telegram.
+"Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio."
+Aw, the Denver Broncos.
+I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
+Yeah yeah.
+Well explain to me why it isn't.
+You just don't understand football, Marge.
+Ladies and gentlemen, the Springfield Mall in conjunction with Nostalgia Licensing Corp. is proud to present... the stars of "Bonanza!"
+Thank you! I just wish Ben and Hoss and Little Joe and Hop-Sing and Sheriff Roy and all your favorites could be alive today to see this wonderful turn-out.
+You know, on the series, we were always trying to kill the Cartwrights...
+...but it looks like Father Time took care of that for us, right? Am I right, folks?
+Oh, this sucks!
+Weren't there three Indians last year?
+Look, Marge! They opened a new high-tech gadget store! You love high-tech gadgets!
+No, I don't.
+Like bull you don't! Come on!
+Homer, please, you're hurting my arm!
+No, I'm not!
+Hey, Lis, check out this space age toothbrush.
+That's an electric nostril groomer.
+Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a Soviet sub? A suede briefcase-case? Oh, anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems...
+Marge, look!
+"The World's Best Jacket!" If I had this it would show everybody... show everybody!
+Yes, finally, I would like to return your quote-unquote "Ultimate Belt."
+I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote "sir"?
+No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek Convention. Although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-size belt.
+Whoa! Whoa! A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies.
+Hey I... Oh...
+Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but uh, no receipt, no return.
+I'll give you four bucks for it!
+Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
+Wow! I bet if God wore pants, he'd have a belt like that!
+This isn't a belt, it's a Tactical Pants-Retaining System. Check it out: compass, matches, whistle, saw, panic button, squirrel snare, radon-slash-lie detector, sphygmomanometer... and it's even got turn signals!
+Hey, Simpson, wanna trade belts?
+Well, not really... 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord...
+Hey, dude, he's raggin' on your cord!
+Get him.
+No running!
+Time for a little evasive action...
+Hey, he's turnin' left!
+Help. Help. Help.
+I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but you guys asked for it...
+Can't you read? Call the police!
+Hey, what happened to your belt?
+Some bullies beat me up and took it.
+Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start.
+But then they'll just beat me up even worse.
+Yesss, they are a clever bunch. I know, I'll squeal for you. To their parents.
+That's for tellin' me how to raise my lousy kid!
+This is for the crummy life I've had to live!
+The thing is -- oof! -- Bart really loves that belt and -- ugh!
+Hey, somethin's wrong with this guy! He's not fallin' down!
+Fun's over, fellas. If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.
+Jeez, Homer, I never seen a guy stand up to that kinda punishment -- I mean, you took a three-man poundin' and didn't ever fall down.
+Big deal. I didn't even get my kid's belt back. The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings.
+There ya go! That's the spirit! Homer, I seen prizefighters couldn't take a punch half as good as you! Y'know, boxing might be right up your alley!
+Really?
+Aw, please, it's the good life, Homer. Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster and salad bar all in a single meal!
+Dressing?
+Their choice.
+You really think I could do it?
+Well, I dunno, are you man enough to test every one of your limits?
+And are you man enough to throw a punch, should the opportunity arise?
+And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?
+I'll take it!!
+Woo hoo!
+Now, Homer, if I'm gonna manage your boxing career, I wantcha to have complete faith in me. C'mere, lemme show ya somethin'...
+Wow! I've never been in here before!
+Yeah, well, when I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979, I turned it into an office.
+You used to be a boxer just like me?
+Yep. They called me "Kid Gorgeous." Later on, it was "Kid Presentable." Then "Kid Gruesome." And finally, "Kid Moe."
+Hey, what's this?
+Aw, that -- that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I been meanin' to empty that out.
+You know Lucius Sweet? He's one of the biggest names in boxing! He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King, and he looks just like him, too.
+Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow I just never made it to the big time.
+Why not?
+'Cause I got knocked out forty times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics...
+Lousy Democrats.
+Homer, of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. You're thirty-eight years old, you don't know how to box and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.
+No problemo.
+A competent doctor!
+Well, sir, you more than meet every one of this state's requirements to box, wrestle, or be shot out of a cannon.
+That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks.
+You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson's Syndrome."
+Oh, why me?
+Don't worry, it's quite beneficial. Your brain is cushioned by a layer of fluid one eighth of an inch thicker than normal. It's almost as if you're wearing a football helmet inside your own head.
+Why, I could wallop you all day with this surgical two-by-four without ever knocking you down. But I have other appointments.
+All right, Homer, let's see the left.
+Oooo-kay... Let's see the right.
+Just a second.
+When you're ready...
+All right... Ready... Wait a minute... All right... Wait a minute... Just a sec...
+Okay, punching isn't your thing. But that's okay... you're not that kind of fighter. What you're gonna do is stand there while your opponent gets exhausted from overpunching.
+Then I can just push him over.
+That's right. And if the ref's not looking, you can kick him a coupla times.
+Who's gonna knock you down?
+No one.
+When are you gonna fight back?
+What are you gonna do?
+Nothing.
+That's my boy.
+Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage!
+Okay. You're fighting a guy named Boxcar Bob.
+Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he?
+Uh, no. Not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.
+Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did.
+Gee, thanks, Moe... What's this?
+Aw, that's the barbed wire. Heh. We, uh, we called that "The Stinger." They... they don't let you use that no more.
+Now, no matter how much he hits you, you don't do nothin', okay? You don't wanna get drawn into a boxing match here.
+Way to go, Dad! Take those punches!
+Man, that tramp's got the energy of a hobo!
+Hey, guys, c'mon, shut up!
+Yeah, he never stops punching... 'cept to check on his bindle.
+Okay, Homer, he's tired! He's tired! Now's your chance! Nudge him! Nudge him!
+Hello, Moe. Delightful to see you again.
+Lucius! Hey, what's a glitterati like you doin' in my dump? I--I thought you were managing the Champ.
+Yes, managing Drederick has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs. But with his impending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the shores of fistiana.
+Uh, what?
+His comeback fight. You know, boxing.
+Oh, oh, man. Yeah, well, who's donatin' his body for that one? Huh?
+Well, word is you manage a stalwart young pugilist who cannot be knocked down.
+Homer? You want Homer to fight Tatum?
+Well, the fans are weary of fights that are over before they have an opportunity to even get drunk. I just need a body who can sustain verticality for three rounds.
+Yeah. But Homer's no boxer, he-- he's just a freak. Tatum'll fustigate him!
+Well, fustigation aside, Moe, you've got a choice: you can either sit here in the ladies room with your faded memories, or you can take your last shot at the big time. And I can make it happen.
+Three rounds, that's all I ask.
+I gotta be honest with ya, Homer. I didn't bring you up here to show you my new tar-paper.
+You... didn't?
+No. Homer, how would you like to be Heavyweight Champion of the World?
+Uh, sure.
+Great. All you gotta do is fight Drederick Tatum. It's this Saturday. Here's your parking pass.
+Ooh, "General!" Who's Drederick Tatum, anyway? Is he another hobo?
+Uh, you know what? I'm gonna have to check on that...
+Well, I trust you, Moe. If you say I can beat this guy, then he doesn't stand a chance.
+We'll keep it down. / Sorry, Champ. / It was Jerry. / We didn't know you were here. / Sorry.
+Champ! Champ! Do you feel remorse for your crime?
+Oh, yes, believe me, my God, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair pushing, I would certainly reconsider it.
+Drederick, uh, what do you think of Homer Simpson?
+I think he's a good man, I like him, I got nothing against him. But I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.
+Uh, y'know, they do have a mother, Champ...
+Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief.
+Thank you, thank you, but the Champ has no time for further queries. This parole hearing is over.
+Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Drederick Tatum?
+Uh, well... I was gonna surprise you, but, um... happy anniversary, baby!
+Have you lost your mind?!
+Aw, c'mon, I'll make a fortune for one night's work! We could have all the things we always dreamed of: a snooty butler, carpeted car ports, those blue cupcakes they sell sometimes --
+But you'll get killed!
+Marge, will you let me finish? ...Plug-in room deodorizers, front and rear spoilers for the car --
+Mom's right, Dad. The odds against you winning are a thousand to one.
+Well, I don't think it's that unlikely.
+Those are the odds they're giving in Vegas.
+All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.
+Society put Drederick Tatum away for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now he's going to get revenge... on Homer Simpson.
+That's your dad-dy!
+Get yer T-shirts! Tell 'em where you've been by wearing a T-shirt!
+You'll be okay, Dad. Just make sure he hits you an even number of times so you don't end up with amnesia.
+Moe, I'm so glad I found you. Please promise me you won't let Homer get hurt.
+Hey, hey, hey! I'm not the villain here, okay? If Homer gets killed in the ring tonight, it'll be because of your negative attitude! There, I said it.
+Listen to me. The instant that Homer's in any kind of danger, I want you to throw in this towel and stop the fight.
+All right, all right, all right! I promise! Okay?
+Thank you.
+Celebrities at ringside tonight: star of the "McBain" action films and featured player in the Hollywood prostitution scandal, Rainier Wolfcastle; TV anchorman and Springfield institution, Mr. Kent Brockman.
+This just in: go to hell!
+From the world of organized crime, say hello to Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico.
+... and the ruiner of events worldwide: title fights, the Super Bowl, and the Nixon Funeral, ladies and gentlemen -- The Fan Man.
+Aw, cripes. Now I gotta comb this side over.
+All right, Homer, I'm not going to lie to you: there's a good chance you can beat Tatum. But you gotta visualize how you're going to win, okay?
+Gotcha.
+A congenital heart defect has apparently felled Tatum, moments before he could step into the ring.
+And now, please welcome back into decent society... Ladies and gentlemen, The Heavyweight Champion of the World, Drederick Tatum!
+And to challenge the irresistible force of Tatum, we have "The Immovable Object!" He's been called "The Brick Hithouse" and is also known as "The Southern Dandy" -- Ho-mer Simp-son!
+Your boy looks a little soft, Moe. You do remember our arrangement?
+Yeah, don't worry. You'll get your three rounds!
+Stupendous. Because if he goes down before that bell rings, your future's going with him.
+Okey-doke, future down the crapper. Gotcha.
+Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem. And now, Ladies and gentlemen, LET'S GET READY TO RUM-BLE!!!
+Okay, Homer, nothing to be worried about... just--
+Wow! I've never seen Dad hit somebody like that before!
+What are you talking about?
+Isn't Dad the one in the black trunks?
+What? What?! What am I missing? What?
+... And there's Tatum showboating for the crowd...
+Aw, jeez, only six seconds in... Attaboy, Homer! Keep dancin'!
+Showing utter disdain for his opponent's abilities, Tatum is taking a short mid-round breather to converse with actor Charlie Sheen.
+You know what's great there is the sea bass. They do it blackened or sautéed. It's stupendous.
+Okay, break it up. Break it up, you two.
+Homer! Homer, he's not going to get tired! You've got to hit him back! Hit him back!
+Hang in there, Homer! Only 440 more seconds! He's getting his second wind.
+No, he's getting killed! He's gonna die on his feet!
+I can't watch this. I gotta get out of here!
+Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor?!
+Kill him! Kill him!
+It looks like it's all over. Tatum wants to finish this with one punch. And here it comes...
+Oh, my God! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out! Ladies and gentlemen, whatever dignity remained in boxing is literally flying out the window!
+Are you an angel?
+Yes, Homer, I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farah slacks.
+But you stopped the fight. Won't everyone be mad at you?
+Aaar, matey.
+Ah, let 'em be mad. The only thing that matters to me is, you're safe.
+Homer, your manager obviously loves you very much. Lucius, would you do that for me?
+Absolutely I would. Now get in the van.
+You couldn't even give me one lousy round, Moe! You will always be a loser! Now take your check for a hundred thousand dollars and get out of my sight.
+I don't need your stinkin' money!
+Oh, Homie, are you okay?
+I can't remember where we parked.
+Oh, that's all right. We'll just wait until everyone else leaves.
+I got your tooth, Dad!
+Eh, not mine.
+Thank you, Moe. I know you gave up your dreams for Homer.
+Well, what do dreams matter, Marge? I was able to stick up for a pal.
+Well, so long, Springfield...
+Where are you going?
+Oh, nowheres in particular. I just need some time to think.
+Hey, there you are... Gimme that contraption back... You said you were only takin' it for five minutes...
+What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day!
+I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside watching the seventh game of the World Series!
+Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today.
+...And the cider mill operated continuously until 1941, when its workers left to fight in the Second World War. When they returned, the old girl was just as they'd left her -- only now, she was infested with thousands upon thousands of rats.
+Right. And if you listen real carefully, you can still hear them gnawing away at the apples and splashing around in the toilets. And that concludes this portion of the tour.
+Attention, passengers. The train has been temporarily delayed because of a discarded couch on the tracks.
+...one of the most historically significant fruit presses in this part of the state. Based on a German design, but modified for the larger American apples...
+Well, if God didn't make little green apples -- it's Homer Simpson! How long have you been here?
+Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.
+Oh, suckin' down the cider, eh? Hey, word to the wise... season pass!
+Pays for itself after the 16th visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice. But I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember...
+If it's clear and yellow, you've got juice there, fellow! If it's tangy and brown, you're in Cider Town! Now there's two exceptions, and it gets kinda tricky here...
+...Adirondack cider can be yellow if they're using late-season apples. And, of course, in Canada the whole thing's flip-flopped...
+Oh, my. I better get you some cider.
+Next to spring and winter, fall is my absolute favorite season. Just look at all this beautiful foilage.
+It's not foilage, Mom. It's foliage. Fo-li-age.
+That's what I said, foilage . It doesn't take a nucular scientist to pronounce foilage.
+Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. Heh. They barely even won.
+Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.
+Well, I say let Harvard have its football and academics. Yale will always be first in gentlemanly club-life. Why, every friend I have I made right here.
+Hallo, Burnsie! It's your old roomie, Dink!
+Steady... steady...
+Oh-ho, nicely played, sir.
+This may take a while, Smithers. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement?
+I'll be a one-man conga line.
+Hey, customers! Thank God! Papa needs a new pair of everything!
+Hey, how ya doin'? Welcome to scenic Waynesport. And remember your visit with a googly-eyed walnut.
+How 'bout a googly-eyed rock? Some nice local squash candy? A stretched-out Pepsi bottle? Come on! If this stuff is too nice for ya, I've got some crap!
+Da, da, da ... Whoa-- Ow-- Where'd that lamp come from?... Whoa...
+Hey, Casey Jones, where's this train headed?
+Springfield.
+Yeah, yeah, what state?
+I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had. The mill, the history, all that gorgeous foliage.
+I can't excape Lisa, our little walking libary!
+Can't they get a pole for that sign?
+That's a hitchhiker, Homer.
+Ooh, let's pick him up!
+No! What if he's crazy?
+And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.
+We're not picking him up!
+Oh, yes we are!
+There's not enough room!
+Oh, yes, there is!
+I just don't think it's a good idea.
+And I think it's the best idea I've ever had! We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.
+Hey, you folks are all right. Man, it was rough gettin' a ride out there. The only car that stopped was a hearse that thought I fell out. It was rough, I tell ya.
+Careful of the apple pie on the seat.
+Uh-ohhh.
+Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
+I sure hope so.
+Hey, I'm looking for this guy. Anybody know who he is?
+Yeah, sure, we know him. That's Mr. Burns.
+He tried to kill our puppies.
+He sexually harassed me.
+He stole my fiancée.
+He made fun of my weight.
+Okay, so there's been a little friction. Know his address?
+Whoa, this guy's got more bread than a prison meatloaf. He's rich, I tell ya. I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox. Hey, who am I talkin' to?
+Yeah, uh, hi, my name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns.
+Well, I hate to break it to you, "Larry," but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger, he will observe him through a powerful telescope. Now if you'll --
+Smithers, what's going on? How dare you interrupt my lime rickey? State your business.
+Well, uh... sheesh, I-- I'm a little nervous here... What I'm trying to say is, I'm...
+You're what? Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
+Oh, Mr. Burns... I'm your son.
+Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?
+It's true. He is my son.
+Hey, now you're talking!
+Good God!
+Ah, Pop, don't get me wrong, it's great to be here, but how's a guy like you wind up with a son like me?
+Ah, Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story in my mind a million times. It was 1941 -- the -- no, '39 -- my 25th Yale reunion...
+Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years, Mimsy Bancroft...Of course, by then Mimsy had her share of wrinkles and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections to her 21-year-old daughter, Lily.
+I took Lily to the local cinematorium...
+Yay, Mom! All right, Mom!
+...where our passions were inflamed by Clark Gable's reckless use of the word "damn."
+We sneaked into the nearby Peabody Museum. There under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically, as was the style at the time.
+Well, how do you like that? I have been in a museum! So what happened with you and Ma?
+Oh, there was a terrible scandal. Lily's family forced her to give you up and bundled her off to a convent in the South Seas. I never heard from her again. But I prattle on -- tell me everything about your life.
+Oh, what's to tell? I was at the orphanage till I was 18, then I got my job at the souvenir stand. Oh, and once I saw a blimp.
+Well. You must be tired. Let me show you your room.
+Well, is this posh! Aw, Pop, nobody's ever been so nice to me!
+Yes... All right... Uh-huh... It's good to see you, too... Now then, in case you get bored, here's the playroom.
+You can't just eat the orange and throw the peel away -- a man's not a piece of fruit!
+This show was supposed to close last week! Close this show! Close it, I say!
+Hey, don't worry about it. You're all right.
+Hey, you're that hitchhiker! What are you doing here?
+Learnin' the family business. I'm Larry Burns, the boss's son.
+Hey, relax. I don't wanna work. I'm so lazy, I took lessons on the player piano.
+Wow, that's really lazy.
+Lazy? You're not kidding. I'm like a rug on Valium, I'm talkin' lazy.
+So lazy.
+I see. Well, I... Oh, you know, I just remembered it's time for my annual donation. I wonder how much I should give...
+...and Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry!
+I think we heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening.
+Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today.
+Hey, Pop, this crowd is pretty swanky. I'm not gonna fit in here.
+Nonsense, Larry, your blood is bluer than any of theirs! Just give them a snootful of the old Burns charm!
+Ooh, Admiral Carstairs, I'd like you to meet my son, Larry.
+Hey, Skipper, good to meet you. Where'd you start out, on the Merrimac? Hey, I should talk, I hope I look that good when I'm 200.
+Larry, please, he's very sensitive about his age.
+Oh, Monty, this must be the son I've heard so much about! Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante. She came out last spring.
+Whoa! Put her back in, she's not done yet!
+Smithers, there's something a bit odd about young Larry. I can't quite put my finger on it.
+Well, he is a bit rough around the edges, sir. One might blame his truly heroic intake of cocktails.
+Pull up a seat, Pop! You too, Chuckles! I mean, the food ain't great, but the portions are terrific.
+Hey, I'm kidding, relax. Hey, give my regards to Mrs. Boy-ar-dee.
+A total lack of refinement. Smithers, send for the boys at Yale Admissions, huh?
+Well, did you meet Larry?
+Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto should be "Semper Fudge." At that point, he told me to "relax."
+How were his test scores?
+Let's just say this. He spelled "Yale" with a six.
+Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution...
+For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms... 300: a new dormitory. And in Larry's case, we would need an international airport.
+Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns.
+Are you mad? I'm not made of airports! Get out!
+Summon my son at once!
+Uh, it appears he's "gone drinkin'," sir.
+Everybody go nuts, I'm buyin'! Hey, Handsome, send the bill to my dad.
+Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill.
+Yeah. But it was worth it!
+What's everybody in this burg have against my Dad? He's a pussycat. I tell ya, he's a doll-baby. Come on over, I'll show ya!
+Oh, this is some party. If it gets any livelier, a funeral's gonna break out.
+Quiet, you! Nobody likes a comedian!
+Geez, come on, Dad, we got company. Make with the yakkety-yak-yak.
+Oh, "yakkety-yak-yak"... You, Foodbag -- do you have a son?
+Yes, sir. I do.
+And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them?
+Oh, all the time! Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener who...
+Fascinating. Goodnight.
+Dad, what's with you tonight? I mean, I'm gettin' frostbite over here...
+I'll tell you what's with me -- the humiliation of having a coarse, boorish, ignoramus for a son!
+Eh, I should go.
+What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me anymore?
+Sheesh, Dad and I, we started out great, but now it's fallin' apart, like a Chinese motorcycle.
+It's so unfair. You're everything a dad could hope for.
+Yeah. I tell ya, I don't get no regard, no regard at all. No esteem, either.
+Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you. And that... is a phony kidnapping.
+Yeah, right. I dunno, maybe I should just leave town.
+Pho-ny kid-napping...
+Nah, I know what I gotta do...
+I gotta clean up my act: no more jokin' around all the time, no more slackin' off at work, and most important, no more booze. I know I can do it.
+Your son has been kidnapped...
+I can't believe someone would kidnap my Larry. I won't rest until he's returned to me!
+Not to be impertinent, sir, but didn't you want Larry out of your life as recently as two hours ago?
+It's the principle, Smithers! Nobody steals from Montgomery Burns, whether it be my Sunday newspaper or my loutish oaf of a son.
+All right, Mr. B, when the kidnappers call with the ransom demand, you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park.
+And then down comes the net! Right, Chief?
+Heyyyy, I like it! I like it a lot!
+What are you doing in the basement? It's like you're hiding out down here.
+Hiding out? Marge, you've been reading too many hideout books.
+And what's that hitchhiker doing here? Is every drifter we meet going to move in with us?
+Of course not. We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis.
+He's not a drifter, Mom. That's Mr. Burns's son, Larry.
+He's great at pointing out everyone's foibles!
+Hey, how ya doin'? Whoo, look at your hair. What happened? -- You saw yourself in the mirror?
+He's kidding, Mom. But seriously, I'd love to have hair like yours -- I just can't get the zoning permits.
+Hey, that reminds me, Mom -- Buckingham Palace called. They want their hat back.
+Hey, kids, how 'bout a hand for your Mom? She's all right!
+More food.
+Oh. Yeah. Thank you.
+Ahoy-hoy?
+Hello, Mr. Burns, this is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son?
+Yes! I'm missing one son! Return it immediately!
+If you really love Larry, prove it and you can have him back today.
+Oh, how much proof do you need? Five thousand? Six thousand? I swear, that's all I've got.
+Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money!
+More important than money? Who is this?
+Just a second.
+Beautiful. Eddie, did you trace the phone number?
+Sure did, Chief.
+"5-5-5..." Aw, geez, that's gotta be phony!
+Hey, I think I got a Pai Gow!
+I hate Pai Gow. Can't we just play Quang Jong?
+Can't we just go upstairs?
+This is Kent Brockman in ChopperCopter 6 with a special report. Montgomery Burns's son has been kidnapped.
+Kidnapped?!
+Marge, it's not a real kidnapping. It's a simple hoax to win a father's love.
+You know how I feel about hoaxes!
+I want you to take Larry back to Mr. Burns right now, before you get in a lot of trouble.
+What... But... Marge, it's broad daylight and there's cops everywhere!
+No excuses! Just do it!
+Of course we'll bring you updates as soon as they... Oh, wait a minute! There they are! Larry Burns and his kidnapper!
+Appearing in broad daylight, with police everywhere... Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one word for that: idiocy!
+We gotta find someplace to hide!
+The abandoned warehouse!
+Stupid economic recovery!
+Hey, buy a costume or get out, Fellas!
+We've gotta find someplace no one will ever go. Hel-lo!
+Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us!
+Heh-heh, they'll never look for us here.
+Yeah, this place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.
+Shhhhh!
+Some people are trying to watch the movie!
+You don't like it, call the cops!
+This is Kent Brockman, live from the Aztec Theater, where police have learned that kidnapper Homer Simpson and hostage Larry Burns are inside, talking loudly...
+Ohhh! Give yourself up, Homie!
+No, Dad! Shoot your way out!
+A bloody end for Homer Simpson...is just one of several possible outcomes, according to our computer simulation. Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs...
+We've got to go down there and help Dad!
+Ouch! Oooch! Eeech! Ouch! Ooch! Oh, stop it!!
+Hmm, still warm. They can't be far.
+Don't be a fool, Simpson! Let the kid go!
+The negotiations have failed! Shoot him!
+Wait! Wait...
+I mean, Homer's no kidnapper. He's the best friend I ever had! We faked the whole thing.
+It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.
+I should've known. You're the only one stupid enough to kidnap you. Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.
+With pleasure, sir.
+Hold on, Mr. Burns. Maybe we did fake a kidnapping, but is that really such a crime? All your son wanted was a little attention, a little love.
+I'm a father myself, sir. And sure, sometimes my kids can be obnoxious... or boring... or stinky --
+-- but they can always count on one thing: their father's unconditional love.
+How 'bout it, Pop? I know it's tough, but can ya love me for what I am?
+There, there, sonny-boy. I suppose I have been a bit... Oh, no, I can't do it. It's just not me.
+I'm sorry, Larry, I can't be the family that you need.
+Aw, that's okay, I got a wife and kids. Ooh, that reminds me. They're probably wonderin' where I went. I told them I was going for coffee. That was a week ago.
+Well, son, delighted to have met you. It's good to know that there's another kidney out there for me.
+You got it, Pop. Just let me run a few pints through it first!
+As long as everybody's here... LET'S PARTY!!
+Who's playing that music?
+And where is all that liquor coming from?
+It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.
+Da-ad! V-chip, V-chip!
+Sorry, sorry. My fault.
+We interrupt this cartoon for a Special Report.
+Someone found my keys!
+Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.
+Oh, no!
+Preliminary reports indicated the ship's captain was drunk at the helm. Those reports were later confirmed.
+Arrr. I'm in a lot of trouble now. Hey, I'll give ya a hundred bucks to take the blame.
+A clean-up effort is already underway. And as always, the first to pitch in are those unsung heroes, Hollywood movie stars.
+This isn't about publicity. This is about cleaning off gunk.
+As a Golden Globe nominee, I just think it's our duty to make the real globe a little more golden.
+...And we'd be doing our part for the environment! Plus, we'd get to clean up all those cute animals.
+Honey, we don't need to drive 400 miles to clean animals. You can stay right here and give the dog a bath. Or trim the cat's nails.
+Oh, Mom, please! You can make this my birthday and Christmas presents!
+You've already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore.
+Yes I do! Sure I do! Look!
+Oh, all right, we'll go.
+Now, the cat needs his medication every morning --
+No problem... Can do.
+And the furnace has been giving off a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window o--
+Right... Uh huh... Gotcha... Cat in the furnace.
+Uh, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.
+And if anything happens, just use your best judgm... Just do what I would do.
+Woo hoo!
+A whole week of just father and son! See you at dinner.
+What time?
+You know, I don't know.
+Shall we say ten?
+All right. Just wake me up.
+Live! From the Grand Ballroom of the Hapsburg Imperial Palace, it's the World Series of Bumper Cars!
+Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
+No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.
+I'm gonna rescue a baby seal! And then I'm gonna save an otter!
+Oh, I'm sorry, but all the animals have already been reserved for celebrities.
+There. That's 104 pounds of sandpipers.
+You mean there's nothing left to clean?
+Well, there are rocks. Thousands and thousands of rocks.
+I've got rocks that need washing at home.
+Geez, look at this place. We gotta do something.
+Huh -- garbage angels?
+Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
+Do I have to sit up?
+Knock yourself out.
+Milhouse, this is boring. Make it crash or something!
+Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge of the scale-model pilot.
+Gimme that!
+It's gaining on us!
+I'm pedaling backwards!
+Abandon ship!
+I don't like being outdoors, Smithers.
+For one thing, there are too many fat children.
+Thanks a lot! Now it's stuck on that haunted house!
+I heard a witch lives there.
+I heard a Frankenstein lives there.
+You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of other zombies to create a race of Super-Zombies!
+That's the house?!
+Stand aside, wussies.
+Go away. No children.
+Enough talk.
+S-U-C-C-E-E-S / That's the way you spell succes--
+No, no!... He... help!... I'm gonna die!...
+Oh, no! The witch has Bart!
+We've got to hurry!
+Just a minute!
+Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and... are you wearing a grocery bag?
+I have misplaced my pants.
+I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him.
+'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that. And I gotta live with him.
+You're the man, Homer.
+Well, if you won't discipline him, I'll come back and speak with his mother.
+No! Wait! Wait! Madam, I run a house of discipline. The boy will be disciplined, and disciplined severely. Good day.
+Oh, I don't know how to punish you! What does Marge usually do?
+She makes me taste beer.
+C'mon, boy. Give your old man a little credit.
+Yeah, well, I still get to punish you.
+Now, you're gonna do chores for that lady until you work off the damage you did. It's called responsibility.
+Come on in, Bart.
+Oh, I can't believe I gotta spend all my free time dustin' doilies in a smelly, run-down dump for a creepy old witch...
+Lady, I gotta tell ya -- I have been grossly misinformed about witches.
+Wow, man! What is this place?
+I prefer not to be called "man." My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derriere. That means the, uh, "back house."
+Are you having a party or something?
+Non-stop. We're a burlesque house, a private club where gentlemen can play some cards and see a show...
+Miss Belle, we're about to do our Around the World number, but Monte Carlo can't find her dice.
+Here you go, darlin'.
+Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent...
+He's tough but fair. I'll start sorting these bras.
+That's a bit advanced for you. But I know a stopped-up sink that needs some attention.
+Just glad to be on the team!
+When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
+Oh, the ol' greet 'n' toss. No problemo.
+How did I ever get along without you?
+Is your name Bart?
+What the ?! Does your father know you're working here?
+It was his idea.
+In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.
+Oh, there's something unsatisfying about scrubbing these rocks. And I think I know what it is...
+Oh, Lisa, I know it's frustrating. But we made a commitment and we have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant.
+Quitting time! Okay. Scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelp-burgers and we're going to watch a tape of Johnny Arvik, he's the Eskimo comedian!
+Faster, Mom, faster!
+Oh, that was our emcee, Mel Zetz. He got out of bed too fast and broke his hip.
+So who's gonna warm up the crowd tonight?
+Well, whoever fits Mel's tuxedo.
+The jokes are in the breast pocket. If you get in trouble, there's a switch that makes the bow-tie spin.
+Heh. Nudist colonies are everywhere these days. I'd love to go, but I... I can't get the wrinkles out of my birthday suit!
+But I gotta tell ya, Adam and Eve must have been the first bookkeepers. They invented the loose leaf system.
+If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.
+It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your children are?
+I told you last night, no! Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
+Bart, where are you?! Come on! I have to be up at six a.m. to swipe Flanders' newspaper!
+What the... "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary... Not pictured: Mrs. Eisenhower."
+I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for --
+I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz! He's my son and I don't want him --
+working... so... late... that...
+Oh, I agree. Kids need rules and boundaries.
+Yes, everyone loves rules...
+It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs...
+Oh, yeah, drugs. Ya gotta have drugs.
+Hey, he didn't pay the cover!
+Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight. Start a tab tomorrow.
+Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show...
+Is Roxanne back?
+Did she, uh, get my flowers?
+She did.
+I... Hello, Bart.
+Hello, Principal Skinner.
+This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?
+Uh, this isn't gonna be about Jesus, is it?
+All things are about Jesus, Homer... except this. Your son has been working in a burlesque house.
+Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
+That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.
+Helen, as a responsible parent, I was already well aware of that.
+Homer, I'm as permissive as the next parent. I mean, just yesterday, I let Todd buy some Red Hots with a cartoon devil on the box. But you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your ten-year-old son to work in a burlesque house!
+Oh, no?! Well, if Homer Simpson wants his ten-year-old son working in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's ten-year-old son is going to work in a burlesque house! That's...
+Hi! Now, Marge, you're going to hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house...
+"Maison Derriere"?! I can't believe there's a place like that in our wholesome little town. Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there?
+No! I only learned that four days ago.
+What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place?
+I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up!
+Please come in, Mrs. Simpson. How can I be of service?
+I have a favor to ask: please shut this place down and move away from Springfield.
+Oh, honey, you can't be serious...
+Springfield doesn't want places like this!
+I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar.
+Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years.
+I've lived here 52 years.
+I'm third generation.
+Get out of my town!
+Mother!
+Listen, darlin', we're just as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library, or the crazy house. So I think I'll stay right here... neighbor.
+Is that so? Well, sleazy entertainment and raunchy jokes will never be as popular as sobriety and self-denial!
+You're about to learn the two most dangerous words in the English language are Marge Simpson!
+It's the light pink '87 wagon.
+...and after visiting the area for the past two months, I have determined it is not feasible to construct a Supertrain between Springfield and Aruba.
+Awww...
+Next on the agenda is, uh... the Citizens' Committee On Moral Hygiene.
+Awww...
+I'm here to share my moral outrage, but this time it's not about that giant, inflatable Dos Equis bottle. It's about a certain house in our town...
+Yeah, well, what's wrong with this house? Is it the plumbing?
+No. It's a House of Ill Fame... a House of Loose Ethics...
+Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error?
+The house is perfectly fine!
+Well, then quit badmouthing the house!
+Yeah, leave the house alone!
+Oh, geez -- It's what's inside the house that's disgraceful -- drinking, gambling, and debauchery! It's right under our noses -- a secret house of burlesque!
+People, this is an issue that we, as a town, are strong enough to ignore. Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house and its small clientele of loyal perverts.
+Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.
+Marge, if you please...
+Julius!
+Clancy!
+Skinner!
+Seymour!
+Cletus!
+Oh, uh, Barney...
+Clancy!
+Hey, come on! You did me twice!
+Smithers?!
+My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
+Mayor Quimby!
+Uh, well, uh, that could be any mayor.
+I rest my case.
+Er, uh, well, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.
+Are they talking about the bordello?
+No, the burlesque house. So just keep your mouth shut.
+Ah, there's no justice like angry mob justice.
+I'm gonna burn all the historic memorabilias!
+I'm going to take me home a toilet!
+There'd a-better be two!
+Who is it?
+Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house?
+Just a minute.
+Stand aside, you degenerate, two-bit proprietress!
+Don't you call me that! I am an entrepreneuse!
+Oh, shut up! You're wasting valuable smashing time!
+Dad, we can't let this happen to Belle! Do something!
+Don't you worry, son.
+My friends! Stop!
+Please hurry.
+Sure, we could tear this house down...
+No! My friends! Stop!
+Let me finish. We could tear it down, but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves...
+You could close down Moe's or the Kwik-E-Mart, and nobody would care / But the heart and soul of Springfield's in our Maison Derriere...
+That's dignity, all right.
+WE'RE THE SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK, WE'RE THE CHEESE IN YOUR CAKE / WE PUT THE "SPRING" IN SPRING-FIELD....
+WE'RE THE LACE ON THE NIGHTGOWN,
+THE POINT AFTER TOUCHDOWN,
+YES, WE PUT THE "SPRING" IN SPRING-FIELD!
+WE'RE THAT LITTLE EXTRA SPICE THAT MAKES EXISTENCE EXTRA NICE / A GIDDY LITTLE THRILL AT A REASONABLE PRICE!
+OUR ONLY MAJOR QUARREL'S WITH YOUR TOTAL LACK OF MORALS.
+OUR SKIMPY COSTUMES AIN'T SO BAD!
+THEY SEEM TO ENTERTAIN YOUR DAD!
+THE GIN IN YOUR MARTINI, THE CLAMS ON YOUR LINGUINI / YES, WE KEEP THE IN SPRING-FIELD!
+WE REMEMBER OUR FIRST VISIT,
+THE SERVICE WAS EXQUISITE!
+WHY, JOSEPH, I HAD NO IDEA!
+COME ON, NOW. YOU WERE WORKING HERE!
+WITHOUT IT WE'D HAVE HAD NO FUN SINCE MARCH OF NINETEEN SIXTY-ONE!
+TO SHUT THEM DOWN NOW WOULD BE TWISTED,
+WE JUST HEARD THIS PLACE EXISTED!
+WE'RE THE HIGHLIGHTS IN YOUR HAIRDO,
+THE EXTRA ARMS ON VISHNU!
+SO DON'T TAKE THE
+WE WON'T TAKE THE
+YES, LET'S KEEP THE
+IN SPRI-NG-FIELD!
+Well, I'm convinced. The house stays!
+This house is a very, very, very fine house.
+Here I come, everybody!
+Stop! No!
+What are you doing, Marge? Didn't you hear the song?
+No, I had to go rent the bulldozer.
+Well, we all changed our minds.
+Yeah, now we love the house!
+What about the sleaze and the depravity?!
+It was a very convincing song, Marge.
+Worthy of Webster's.
+Mmm-hmm. There were kicks and everything.
+Oh, can you sing it again?
+I'm sorry, it really was one of those spur-of-the-moment-type things.
+Well, I also have a song to sing!
+Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs! Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance...
+Uh... sorry.
+Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.
+I do love it when you drop by, Marge. Next time, why don't we get together at your house?
+I'm so sorry. How can I ever make this up to you?
+Oh, there's a way, Mom...
+So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband Woody just had a baby. What did you name him?
+Take it off!
+All right, Dad, you've been warned. Let's go.
+C'mon...
+Easy...
+Marge, can't we get some clear plates? I can't see the TV.
+Is it really necessary to watch TV while we're eating? We're getting food all over.
+If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl.
+You're talking about a trough! We're not going to eat from a trough! And another thing -- it's only 5:15. Why are you in your underwear?
+Hey, this ain't the Ritz.
+At least let's have a civilized conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school?
+How was what? What?
+School. School.
+It's no time for school.
+I know it's not! I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome.
+Mom, Reverend Lovejoy doesn't have a coat. Should I let him in?
+Hello Marge. How's the family? I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business.
+Keep it down in there, everybody.
+Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
+Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
+Well, I pictured cocktail parties and candle-lit dinners. I pictured napkins... Homer, I want to throw a dinner party.
+Oh, I hate having parties. The toilet always gets backed up.
+I don't care if the sink shoots sludge, we're having a party.
+Man, that is flagrant false advertising.
+It's just not a dinner party without a melon baller. And we'll need a citrus zester... a ravioli crimper... Ooh, an oyster mallet! "Made in U.S.A."? Eh, no thank you!
+Hey Lis -- check this out. Non-stick coating.
+Oooh, a punch bowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party?
+Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
+Well... maybe we could use it once and then return it.
+Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.
+Bart, company's coming. Go put doilies under the coasters. Hurry! Hurry!
+Lisa, quick. Screw these back on.
+Mom, calm down. The party's not for another three hours.
+Oh, good. That will give me time to add another coat of glaze to the ham.
+Homer?!
+Whaaaaaat?!
+Are you ready?
+I just gotta put my shoes on.
+The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes. And you didn't do it.
+And now it's too late -- they're here. Bart, greet our guests and take their coats.
+My coat was stolen at last week's interfaith banquet. So I helped myself to a few of the better umbrellas.
+Well, as you can see, we don't believe fur is murder. But paying for it sure is.
+Uh, sorry we're late, but Luann had to put on her face. She doesn't want anyone to know she's got no eyebrows.
+What? You don't!
+So, did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
+Y'know, I like his films, except for that nervous fella who's always in 'em.
+If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys who egged our Bonneville.
+Huh. I should have asked them to hurl some bacon, then maybe I coulda had a decent breakfast for once.
+You know what you two need? A little comic strip called "Love Is." It's about two naked eight year olds who are married.
+Marge, if that was my last meal, I'd tell the warden "Bring on the lethal injection."
+Yeah. Marge, I know I haven't eaten that well since I was in the army.
+Or that noisily.
+All right, that's it!
+So who wants to play a game? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
+Oo, that's a noodle scratcher.
+Corn starch!
+Oh, righty-o! It's good for keeping down the urges.
+Come on, Luann, you know what this is.
+Kirk, I don't know what it is.
+It could not be more simple, Luann. You want me to show this to the cat and have the cat tell you what it is? 'Cause the cat's gonna get it.
+I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all go to Gudger College.
+It's dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?
+Kirk, you're spitting.
+Okay, genius, why don't you draw dignity?!
+It's very good. /
+Well, it's no wonder I can't draw dignity. I gave it up when I married her.
+Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes we --
+Oh, cram it, Churchy!
+Maybe we should all have a few drinks.
+I'd have a drink, but it might loosen my tongue.
+You wanna talk? Go ahead, Luann, talk! Why don't you tell 'em one of your little bedtime stories, huh? Like the one about how rotten it is to be married to a loser; or how about the one about how I carry a change-purse? Yeah, a purse!
+Shut up and let the woman talk.
+Okay, Kirk, I'll tell a story. It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job as manager of a cracker factory...
+Boring!
+A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence...
+Ooh, here we go!
+...sent the number one cracker factory in town into a tie for sixth with Table Time and Allied Biscuit.
+You wanna hear a secret, everybody? Luann loves it -- loves it! -- when I fail!
+Oh, yes, Kirk. I love having to borrow money from my sister! I love having to steal clothes from the church donation box!
+Oh, sweet Jesus!
+Lisa! Why don't you come sing for us!
+You're a grand old flag / You're a high flying flag / Etc...
+Oh, great. You got the kid singing! I hope you're happy now!
+I am not happy. And I haven't been happy for a long time. I want a divorce!
+A divorce?! Sure, divorce. Hey, you got it, toots. And here's a picture even you can figure out.
+It's a door. Use it!
+That's a door?
+Hello, I'm Dr. Hibbert. I'm afraid I'm going to have to amputate your butt.
+Alright, if you think you must.
+Come on, Milhouse, we're going!
+Aw, can't I come home later?
+There's not going to be a home later.
+Oh, okay. Ta-ta, I'm off to the beauty salon.
+G'night... Thanks for coming... We'll see you... Ba-bye... Well, I think that went pretty well.
+I feel terrible. The Van Houtens split up at our party.
+Marge, please, that was twenty minutes ago.
+I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies. They were so insulting: "You are a coward." No one likes to hear that after a nice meal.
+You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on.
+You know who the real victim is in all this? Milhouse.
+Hey, Van Houten! I heard your folks broke up.
+Aren't you going to say "Haw haw?"
+Oh, by no means.
+My dad left my mom after she got hooked on cough drops. By the end, her breath was so fresh, she wasn't really my mother anymore.
+Oh, so I guess I'm not alone.
+Heh, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid, but he got over it.
+I sleep in a drawer.
+I dig the nightlife... 'Got to boogie...
+I must say, Luann, you're really handling this splendidly.
+From now on, forget everything you thought you knew about Luann Van Houten --
+Actually, Luann, I don't really know anything about yo--
+Forget it. She's gone. Presto change-o. Kaboom! Sweet Fannie Adams! Bye-bye!
+Uh, singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.
+The one down the hall.
+Yeah. And another great thing: you get your own bed.
+I sleep in a racing car. Do you?
+I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
+Oh, yeah.
+Hey there, Kirk.
+Oh boy, what's going on? Patio party?
+Nah, a possum drowned in the pool. Do you have any garbage bags?
+Uh, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it.
+That's Jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store.
+Thanks for introducing me.
+Oh, don't worry, Homer. You know me. And I'm a superstar at the cracker factory.
+You're letting me go?
+Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers -- we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. But, it's a market we can do without.
+So that's it after twenty years? "So long. Good luck?"
+I don't recall saying "good luck."
+And the winner of the Milhouse 500 is... Milhouse!
+Milhouse, are you sure you want to drive that inside?
+Okay. Be careful, sweet, sweet treasure.
+God I missed you, Lulu.
+Chase, it's only been three hours.
+Who's Chase?
+Oh, that's Mom's new boyfriend.
+Hey, I know you from "American Gladiators." You're Pyro!
+Only on weekends. During the week, I'm just your average work-a-day stunt man.
+Really?
+Go ahead, break a chair on me.
+Wow, thanks!
+Okay, boys, I've gotta go. C'mon Lulu, let's roll.
+What the hell is wrong with you?!!
+Jeez, sorry. It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.
+Homer, get ready!
+For what?
+Remember? Luann and Chase are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray.
+I don't wanna go to that.
+You said you'd do it as a favor to me.
+That doesn't sound like something I'd say.
+Fine. I'll go without you.
+Okay. Love you.
+Homer! I want you to meet my new special lady. Say hello to Starla.
+Can I have the keys to the car, lover? I feel like changing wigs.
+Starla's a temp at K-ZUG Radio 530. She's going to help me launch my singing career.
+My car!
+Oh! My demo tape!
+"Can I Borrow A Feeling?" "Can I Borrow A Feeling?" There's your picture on the front.
+Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me.
+I already did.
+You know why all this happened, don't you? 'Cause I took my marriage for granted. Y'know, in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework.
+Oh yeah. You gotta do that.
+I could've at least stayed in shape for her.
+Oh, and for yourself.
+I could've taken just a little time to... to make her feel special.
+It can't just be sex. It can't.
+God, I was so self-centered. No wonder I didn't see it coming. That's how it is, though: one day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink.
+Ooh, that's tough, pal. But it's never going to happen to me.
+Oh, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?
+'Cause Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.
+Marge, I'm home! Where are you? Are you okay? I don't smell dinner!
+"Dear Homer," aww. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."
+Hi, Dad. You know, there's buns in the cabinet.
+Lisa, wait! I know you're only eight years old and I don't wanna put a lot of pressure on you, but you've got to save my marriage.
+Oh, okay. Can I stay up?
+All right.
+As you know, there's been a lot of talk about divorce lately, and I think your mom might not be happy with me.
+You've done a lot of crazy stuff over the years and she's stood by you. Why would she leave you now?
+'Cause there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about.
+You mean like your poker shack out in the swamp?
+She knows.
+Oh, I knew this would happen. Our whole marriage started off on the wrong foot.
+See? You don't have to spend a lot of money to have a first-class wedding reception.
+It's getting less and less likely you're going to yell "Surprise" and have all my friends jump out...
+"Levi's." Hey, you think that truck is full of jeans?
+You're very lucky to have Mom.
+That's your advice?! Go to bed!
+Good morning. You know, Marge, I was thinking about how much I enjoy your interests, so I wandered over to that theater you went to last night. And I bought tickets to their entire season.
+Look -- "Mostly Madrigals." Hey, that might be good. Ooh, ooh, "An Evening With Philip Glass." Just an evening? "Voices of the Elderly Poor."
+Homie, I appreciate this, but I'd really like to get some sleep.
+Oh, of course, my sweet. I'll just make some soothing ocean sounds for you.
+Edmondo, don't you think you're taking a lot off -- Ah!... Homer! What are you doing?!
+I wanted to surprise you with a kicky summer 'do. How many husbands would do that for their wives?
+None! They would have more sense than that.
+Ooh! You're feisty. I'm gonna give you a Madonna cut.
+Homer, I don't need you around me 24 hours a day. I'm a grown woman -- I can take care of myself. Now, will you please just go away!
+Oh, I've just made things worse. A few clumsy gestures aren't going to make up for 10 years of neglect. Marge deserves someone who will treat her right. Marge deserves a fresh start.
+I'd like to file, for divorce.
+These things happen eight dollars.
+Only three cavities, Bart. Your best check-up ever. I'm going to make you my specialty -- butterscotch chicken.
+Marge? Can you come in here? We need to talk.
+Surprise!
+Marge, will you marry me?
+Why? Am I pregnant?
+No, it's a second wedding, Honey. Our first one was so crummy, I had to make it up to you. I really love you.
+Oh, Homie. I know you love me. We don't need to get married again.
+Yes, we do. I got us a divorce this afternoon.
+I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV. This one is for real. I want our marriage to be perfect, right from the start, so we don't end up like Kirk and Luann.
+We never will.
+Dearly beloved --
+Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy single life.
+Okay, ready.
+She was looking at Nelson!
+I will now read the special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. Do you Marge take Homer, in richness and in poorness?... Poorness is underlined... In impotence and in potence? In quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered monkey-navigated -- And it goes on like this.
+It doesn't matter. All I want to know is: Will you make me the luckiest guy in the world... again?
+I will. Oh Homie, of course I will.
+By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
+It's the most perfect wedding I could ever ask for. You even got a hip rock 'n' roll combo.
+Okay, everybody. Who likes the Doobie Brothers? 'Cause we got one of them.
+What a wonderful evening! A magical way for two people to renew their love.
+Marge is right.
+I've got something I'd like to say.
+Would you guys do a favor for a guy in love?
+Sure! / Yeah! / That's why we're here.
+Hi everybody. Uh, hi. And hit it! CAN I BORROW A FEELING? / COULD YOU LEND ME A JAR OF LOVE? / HURTIN' HEARTS NEED SOME HEALIN' / TAKE MY HAND WITH YOUR GLOVE OF LOVE.
+How about it, Luann? Will you marry me... again?
+Ewwwww! No!
+Oh. Well, uh, can I have my shirts back, at least?
+Okay, you heard the lady. Why don't you take it outside, all right?
+Uh, I'll be back.
+Probably.
+Skin-ner!!!
+Uh, Superintendent Chalmers! What's wrong?!
+Nothing. I just bought myself a car!
+Oh... oh, good. This will sound crazy but at first I... I thought I'd enraged you again.
+Skin-ner!!!
+What?! What?!
+Now you're getting paranoid.
+You know, I used to think a car was just a way of getting from Point A to Point B... and on weekends, Point C. But that was the old me. That man died the moment I laid eyes on the 1979 Honda Accord.
+I've always admired car owners. And I hope to be one myself, as soon as I finish paying off Mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
+Yes, yes, that's unfortunate... Well, Seymour, I make Superintendent money, which amply covers both food and car. Holy Jumping Caesar's Catfish!!
+My 'H' has been stolen! Oh! That's how people know it's a Honda! What's the point of having a Honda if you can't show it off?!
+Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me, I'm sure I can find a replacement...
+I'll just...
+Hey, get away from my car!
+This way!
+Eh, mornin', Apu.
+Good morning. One donut with sprinkles, and... Wait a minute -- these are not sprinkles, Sir!
+Whaddya mean?
+You have clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the donut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles!
+Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was.
+A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle! A Twizzler is not a sprinkle! A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, Sir! -- Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here!
+Thank you, come again.
+Ah, looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. Frankly, I would've expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.
+Hey, what's this thing?
+Ah, yes. Uh, take a good look at him, Nelson, cause that's where you're headed.
+After you claim your stolen merchandise, go directly to Mr. Muntz for an apology.
+Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam, but instead he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next twenty years -- bread and water, icy showers, guards whompin' your ass 'round the clock, and the only way out is suicide.
+Telemarketing, eh?
+Oh, you think this stolen 'H' is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny: right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl!
+I guess it is a little funny... Nonetheless, I will find the culprit. We'll start with, oh, I don't know... Bart Simpson!
+Um, I don't think you want to look in there, sir.
+Balderdash. I'll just stick my head right in and --
+Half a dozen eggs?!
+Well, that would be the complete dozen... All right. Rather than tempt fate, I'll move along now.
+So we reach the bottom of the barrel: Nelson Muntz.
+Dum-da-da-dum!
+The cold, hard process of elimination places the 'H' squarely in your locker!
+Haw haw!
+Damn! Dang! Darn!
+A principal's ransom in stolen goods! Well sir, who's "haw-hawing" now, hmm?
+I'unno, but he's got lethal tuna-breath.
+Ooooohh...
+Who does Nelson think he's impressing, anyway, acting so cool all the time?
+Not me!
+All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it!
+First, you're going to give back everything you've stolen, then I'm sentencing you to one week of the lowest, most degrading work known to man: janitorial work.
+Aw, Jees, I'm standin' right here, sir.
+Bite me... Cram it... You're dead... Get bent, ma'am...
+Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation?
+Don't you realize your butt sticks out?
+It does not!
+Haw haw!
+An automatic dialer? Is that legal? I don't want you getting arrested, Homer...
+I won't.
+Or swindling our neighbors.
+Let me show you how it works. This baby has every phone number in town programmed into it. It automatically calls them one by one and plays my message. Listen.
+Ahoy-hoy?
+Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay! Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.
+Hmm. One dollar for eternal happiness... Mmmm, I'd be happier with the dollar.
+Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the money roll in!
+But you're going to annoy thousands of people just to make a few measly dollars. It's nothing but panhandling!
+Tele-panhandling.
+... And should there be a request for an encore, we will reprise "Pop Goes the Weasel." Otherwise, we won't file out quietly.
+And that's how Willie waters. Now you take the hooze.
+The moose?
+The hooze! The hooze!
+Is this right?
+Ach! Turn off the noozle!
+The noodles? What noodles?
+The noozle on the end of the hooze! Ach!
+Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner?"
+No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
+Lisa likes Nelson!
+She does not!
+Milhouse likes Lisa!
+He does not!
+Janey likes Milhouse!
+She does not!
+Uter likes Milhouse!
+Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!
+Oh, how does Bart do this every week?
+Hey, Brainiac, since when do you get detention?
+It's your fault! I accidentally laughed at your immature prank.
+Haw. Yeah, the best part was when he got wet! Hey, you're doin' that the stupid way.
+If you use that deal with the five chalks, you'll get done faster.
+Thanks, but I prefer the honest way.
+Whatever. Smell ya later!
+Wow, that was a good idea. And I can't believe it came from Nelson.
+Hey, Willie, catch the football!
+All right I--
+Milhouse, I've never told anyone this kind of thing before... but I've never felt this way before. I think I have a crush...
+Oh, really?
+...on Nelson Muntz.
+Way to drink, Poindexter!
+You like Nelson?! But he's a creep and he chipped one of my permanent teeth!
+But I bet underneath, he's a sweet, sensitive person -- like you. I guess you could say I want to bring out the Milhouse in Nelson.
+But I'm all Milhouse! Plus, my Mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school!
+I like you, too, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a big sister.
+No I'm not! Why does everybody keep saying that?!
+Would you do me a favor? When you get back to class, just give him this note.
+Please?
+When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you.
+Sure, what's a big sister for? Oh, I shouldn'ta said that...
+Guess who likes you?
+Milhouse, I'm so sorry...
+He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.
+Nelson! Um... that note Milhouse gave you... it wasn't from him. It was from... me.
+You? Why would you like me? No girls like me. Are you wearing a wire?
+I don't know why I like you. I just do. So... what do you think?
+It's okay... I guess. Do I have to do anything?
+Well... would you like to come over to my house after school?
+Okay... But if anybody sees us, I'm just there to steal your bike.
+Woo hoo! Two dollars! It's working!
+I don't feel any happier. How 'bout you?
+Umm... a little.
+Oh, you've got to see this, it's so cute what she does. Be the baby, kitty. Go on, be the baby.
+Snowball! I - don't - understand. She loves to climb in h--
+I believe you! I don't care!
+Hey, Lis, Mom said you had the toenail clippers and-- Whoa, Lisa! Look out! Nelson's in our house!
+That is so gay!
+It's okay, I invited him over. Nelson's my new... friend.
+Are you nuts? I'll probably never say this to you again, but you can do better.
+Please don't ruin this for me, Bart. I think he's starting to like me!
+Milhouse likes you.
+Oh, please. Milhouse likes Vaseline on toast.
+Aw, pawns can't move that way! Ya stupid arm...
+Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right... Etc.
+Why it's the AT-5000 Autodialer, my very first patent! Aw, wouldja listen to the gibberish they've got you saying! It's sad and alarming. You were designed to alert schoolchildren about snow days and such. Well, let's get you home to Frinky. Hope your wheels still work.
+Oh, no you don't!
+You're the first person I've had over to the house since my Dad went nuts.
+"Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?
+I'unno... Gotta nuke somethin'!
+Touché.
+You play the guitar?
+Oh, yeah, I'm a superstar.
+Would you... play a song for me?
+Oh... okay.
+Joy to the world / The teacher's dead! / We bar-b-qued her head! / What happened to her bod-dy? / We flushed it down the pot-ty! / And round and round it goes / And round and round it... goes --
+I wish I could laugh at the idea of a teacher being decapitated.
+I know. Haw. It's funny, huh?
+Hardly.
+Listen, I'm gettin' pretty tired. I'm goin' to go to sleep for a while. Smell ya later!
+How am I supposed to get home?
+I 'unno. Y'shoulda thought of that before you came over. Huh.
+I feel so stupid, Mom. Nelson's not right for me at all. And I don't think he ever will be.
+Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man... but those women are quitters!
+When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person!
+He's a whole new person, Lisa!
+Oh, I know.
+I wonder if I could change Nelson...
+Very sharp!
+Aw, but I feel like such a tool!
+I know it's a change, but it really highlights your sweet and sensitive side.
+Aw, crap.
+Isn't it nice up here? What are you thinking, Nelson?
+What am I thinking about what?
+About anything.
+Nothin'.
+What do you feel? What's inside you right now?
+Guts and black stuff... and about fifty Slim Jims.
+Come on, Nelson! You must think and feel things. I mean, look where we are: a rolling green hillside, the stars coming out like God is lighting a million tiny candles, the moon looking down on us as if to say...
+This oughta shut her up. Hey, this isn't so bad...
+That was pretty fine.
+See, you do have a tender side. You just needed someone to bring it out.
+Yeah, that was pretty rockin'...
+Oh, man! You kissed a girl!
+Listen, you thugs, stop making fun of him or you'll be sorry!
+Whoooooaa!
+You'll be so sorry when you realize how you've hurt the feelings of a sweet young man!
+He's not like you anymore! He's changed! And he doesn't want to hang around with a buncha crumb-bums!
+Crumb-bums?! Nobody calls me a crumb-bum!
+Hey, back off, James!
+I'll handle this, Lisa. You go have a fig bar.
+Hey, thanks for embarrassing me, dingus!
+You asked for it, man. You're broadcasting geek rays over the entire valley.
+'Fraid not! I'm still wicked bad.
+Oh, yeah? Then prove it, assbutt. Come raid Skinner's house with us.
+We found a bunch of rancid cole slaw in the dumpster behind Krusty Burger...
+Yeah, and we're gonna go heave it at his house!
+Cool! I'd love to get even with Skinner... eh... eh, but I better not.
+Chic-ken! / Lame-o! / Girl lover! / Fancy pants! / Charlatan!
+You got rid of them! And you did it like a gentleman, without any violence.
+Yeah... I know you don't like that stuff.
+Howdilly-doodilly.
+Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as...
+Ach! It was that darn recording again!
+Of course it was! It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
+Howdilly-dood...
+Greetings, friend...
+I told you to unplug the phone!
+But it could be my mother! Howdi...
+Friend...
+Oh, let's just beat him up and take his stuff!
+That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!
+Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!!
+Great Barrier Reef! We're under attack!
+Eat slaw, Skinner!
+We're slawin' him up good!
+Nelson doesn't know what he's missin'.
+Why's he wasting his time with that Simpson chick?
+'Cause your mom had a three month waiting list!
+All right! / I knew you'd be back! / What'd you say about my mom?!
+I missed you guys. Let's never fight again.
+Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police!
+Seymour! What's going on? What's that odor?
+Go back to bed, Mother! I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not!
+I... ah, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier!
+I want to see what's going on!
+No, Mother, don't look out the window!
+Cops! Everybody split up!
+Lisa! The cops are chasing me. I need a place to hide!
+Lisa's window is the next one!
+Howdilly-doodily...
+Greetings, friend...
+Ned, did you plug that phone back in?!
+Shut up!!
+...and I wasn't even there, honest! Skinner's just out to get me!
+That's so unfair!
+Meet me at the back door!
+Aha! I had a feeling we'd find you here!
+Chief, No!!
+What'd you do that for?
+Ooh, a Rubik's Cube. Let's all work it together.
+Well, that thing's been drivin' the whole town nuts! Got me out of the bath seven times. Seven!
+Hey, who shot the auto-dialer? Marge's auto-dialer?
+See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and, uh, bring that evidence with ya, otherwise I got no case and you'll go scot-free, y'know.
+Uh, Chief, what about those cole slaw punks?
+Well, I... I can't be everywhere at once, Lou, now can I? You know, in most cities, the Chief of Police doesn't even go out on calls like these.
+Yeah, yeah, we know, Chief. / Well we appreciate it. / 'Count our blessings every day. / We're very appreciative...
+I think they're giving up.
+Thanks for helpin' me out. You're a stand-up babe.
+Hey, check it out. Skinner's moppin' the goo off his house.
+Wait'll he finds what I left in his birdbath!
+I thought you weren't there.
+Huh? Oh, yeah, uh, I guess I was.
+You lied to me.
+Nuh-uh!
+There, you did it again!
+All right, all right, I lied! I'm sorry. Let's kiss.
+No. You don't understand, Nelson. A kiss doesn't mean anything if it's dishonest.
+Um... there's a niceness to it...
+I was foolish to think I'd actually changed you. Maybe I was seeing things in you that weren't really there.
+Definitely.
+Then why did you want to be with me?
+Mmm-hmm. Maybe 'cause you were the first person that ever thought there was a nice guy inside me. Well, guess you really blew that one, huh?
+Well, I guess this is it...
+You mean, like, goodbye?
+Let's just call it "Smell ya later."
+Hi, Lisa! Could I talk to you, or would that just make Nelson whale on me again?
+Don't worry. Nelson and I don't like each other anymore.
+Really? You got anybody in mind for your next crush?
+Well, I'm really not thinking about that now.
+I suppose it could be almost anybody...
+Yesssss!!
+Hello, this is Homer Simpson, a.k.a. "Happy Dude." The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield... You have the power.
+Hmm, pressure dropping, humidity rising over eighty percent, increasing wind...
+Here we are, Chapter Two: "So Your Pressure Is Dropping." --
+Dad, wake up!
+... Is it... Wah?
+I think a hurricane is coming!
+Oh, Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
+Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away!
+What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?
+Hurricane! Somehow the animals are always the first to know.
+... and the Weather Service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara.
+And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.
+It's true, but he shouldn't say it.
+We better pick up some supplies.
+Stand behind the flaming garbage cans! We'll be letting you into the store seventy people at a time.
+Okay, start with diagonal colors.
+No, no, no! Do not listen to that man. Remain calm. You will all have a chance to be gouged.
+Oh, there's so little left: Creamed Eels? Corn Nog? Wadded beef?
+Mo-om, let's just grab what we can and get out of here. This storm is making people crazy.
+The last pineapple. And plenty ripe, too.
+But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid!
+That's what the pumpkin said.
+Hi, Lisa. We're going to be in a pie!
+Sir, for your own safety, we do advise you to evacuate.
+I ain't leavin'! I was born in this nursing home and I'll die in this nursing home!
+Is there any chance of you changing your mind?
+Sure. Let's go.
+Well, need some help there? You know, maybe you folks should come over and hunker in our bunker.
+Oh, it'll be fun. We're gonna go through our old cancelled checks and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra.
+Oh, I'm sure I'd be a third wheel.
+No, sirree, we'd be happy as hens to ha--
+I would make it my business to be a third wheel.
+Okilly-dokilly. Oo, I better go take down the manger scene. If baby Jesus got loose, he could really do some damage.
+Okay, it's the standard Grampa drill. Everybody into the cellar!
+The Hurri-cane...
+Awesome! So long, suckers!
+Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm?
+Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger on the orange side and turn it.
+My main finger?
+You've got to start backwards! / Orange to orange! Ignore the reds! / Alternate corners! /
+One at a time.
+Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise.
+Now I remember why I put
+this down here in the first place!
+It's dying down!
+All clear, everyone.
+Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane.
+Relax. Can't you see how eerily calm it is?
+See? I told you it was over.
+Hmm. I don't remember a bowling alley being th--
+Dear God, this is Marge Simpson. If you stop this hurricane and save our family, we will be forever grateful and recommend you to all our friends. So if you could find it in your infinite wisdom to...
+Wait. Listen, everybody!
+The hurricane's over.
+He fell for it! Way to go, Marge!
+Remarkable -- there doesn't seem to be any damage at all. It just goes to show you that everything will work out if you have faith.
+It's all gone. Everything... gone-diddily-on.
+Maude? Rod? Todd?
+I'm right here, Daddy.
+Oh, Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.
+Oh my gosh. Look at Rod!
+I have a headache.
+Well, sir, everyone's alive. Guess that's something to be thankful for.
+Now that kinda attitude's not gonna get your house back.
+I'm sure your insurance will cover the house.
+Talk to me!!
+Uh, well, no. Neddy doesn't believe in insurance -- he considers it a form of gambling.
+Y'know, it's kinda funny. The only thing that survived the storm were the family tombstones. They're all we have left.
+Well, call us if you need anything.
+We got new clothes from the donation bin! I'm a surfer.
+Look, Daddy. Todd is stupid and I'm with him. And now Mommy's stupid.
+Lookin' good, Rod. Lookin' good.
+Neddy, I know this has been a terrible day. But, by golly, first thing tomorrow we're going to open up the Leftorium and before ya know it, we'll be back on our feet.
+...Down here at Springfield Mall a storm-addled crowd appears to have turned its rage on "The Leftorium."
+Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob.
+Try looking in the back. Meantime, Springfield bowlers will be happy to hear that the Bowl-A-Rama is back in business at its new location teetering over the Carter-Dixon Tunnel.
+Reverend Lovejoy, with all that's happened to us today -- Uh, I... I kinda feel like Job.
+Well... Aren't you being a tad melodramatic, Ned? Also, I believe Job was right-handed.
+But Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me?
+Ooh. Short answer, "yes" with an "if"; long answer, "no" with a "but." Uh, if you need additional solace, by the way, I've got a copy of something or other by Art Linkletter in my office.
+Even in my darkest hour, I can turn to the Good Book for...
+Son of a gun-diddily-un! Those gilded edges smart!
+Now, this is the room with electricity, but it has too much electricity. So I don't know, you might want to wear a hat.
+Uh-huh. Floor feels a little gritty here.
+Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher, just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. What more could I do? I... I feel like I'm coming apart here. I want to yell out, but I... I... I just can't dang-diddily-do-dang-do-don-diddily-darn-do it. I... I...I...
+Ned! Maude! You've got to go back to your house. Something incredible has happened!
+Aw, what happened now? Did the rubble burn down?
+No! Come on!
+Oh, they rebuilt our house!
+It's a miracle!
+I started making some calls last night, and before I knew it, practically all of Springfield was offering to help.
+Glad to do it. / Sure. / Happy to help out. / Etc.
+Hope you like it, neighbor. We didn't have the best tools or all the know-how, but we did have a wheelbarrow full of love.
+And a cement mixer full of hope and some cement.
+It's wonderful. I... I... I don't know how I can possibly repay you, but if any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield.
+No, no, not me, friends -- he's talking about himself! But thanks for looking!
+The living and dining rooms... with a lovely flow for entertaining...
+Uh-huh. Ooh, looks like a loose nail.
+Eh, one out of twenty-five ain't bad.
+Your beautiful kitchen, Ned. Just as you remember it.
+Was that... uh, was that toilet always next to the refrigerator?
+Uh, Ned, you ever tried lugging a toilet up a flight of stairs?
+Lisa and I built your room.
+But I don't like this clown!
+Uh, I wouldn't take it down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster.
+Yeah, we ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever.
+Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway!
+Come on in. It's your master bedroom.
+Ow, my nose!
+Well, I've seen about enough.
+So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built?
+Aw, shoot.
+Oh, now, calm down Neddilly-diddily-diddily-diddily-diddily... They did their best... Shoddily-iddily-iddily-diddily... Gotta be nice... hostility-ilitity-bility-dility -- Aw, hell, diddly-ding-dong-crap! Can't you morons do anything right?!!
+Ned, we meant well, and everyone here tried their best --
+Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family is out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have goooood intentions.
+Hey, back off, man.
+Oh, okay "Dude." I wouldn't want you to have a cow, "Man." Here's a catch-phrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?"
+I am shocked and appalled.
+Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
+Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson -- Springfield's answer to a question no one asked!
+What do we have here? The long, flabby arm of the law. The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars.
+Mallomars. Oh, that's going in the act.
+Oh yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh. And as for you -- I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk.
+Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?
+You ugly, hate-filled man.
+Ned! Stop it at once! Stop it! --
+Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I, uh... what was the third thing you said?
+Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.
+Hey, I got off pretty easy.
+Neddy! Uh, wait! Well, where you going?
+I attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.
+Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off, kicking and screaming?
+Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.
+As you wish.
+Noooooooooooo!
+"Flanders?" Ned Flanders?
+I'd better call Dr. Foster.
+Yes, Doctor Foster here. Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no, I'll... I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all.
+Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital. Er, where are my shoes?
+Oh, I think they're in the den.
+In the den? May God have mercy on us all.
+Well, how are you feeling this evening?
+Uh, actually, I'm a little chilly. Could I have another straitjacket?
+Of course.
+Thank you. Doctor Foster?
+Hmm, at least your memory's not crazy.
+Now, Ned, you may remember we spent some time together thirty years ago. Do you recall what you were like back then?
+Oh, sure. I was a good little boy.
+Were you?
+Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that, Prune Face! Now, I'm Prune Face! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now, I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick Fay!
+I can't believe I was such a terror.
+Well, neither could your parents. That's why they brought you to me.
+Well, I'm afraid young Ned is unusually aggressive, but I can't seem to find a cause for it. Hey, hey, get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet. Would you please tell your son to stop.
+We can't do it, man. That's discipline. That's like tellin' Gene Krupa not to go boom, boom, bap, bap, bap...
+Hmm, lack of discipline. I'm beginning to see the problem.
+We don't believe in rules. Like, we gave them up when we started living like freaky beatniks.
+You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger.
+Yeah. You've got to help us, doc. We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas.
+Hmm. There is an experimental therapy that might help Ned contain his anger...
+It was known as the University of Minnesota Spankological Protocol.
+And that's just about eight months... now. Well, Ned, how do you feel?
+I feel... fine.
+You don't feel angry?
+Absa-tively not-a-reeno.
+How do you feel about me?
+Pretty darn-diddly-doodly good.
+The only problem with the treatment was that it worked too well. You became unable to express any anger at all. From that point on, anytime you felt angry, you could only respond with a string of nonsensical jabbering.
+Well, I'll be darn-diddly-arned.
+Now that's the stuff. You suppressed your rage for so long, it finally erupted as a massive public explosion.
+It sure did-diddly-id.
+All right, all right, just watch it there. I'm here to help, you know. Now, I'd like to try something -- is there any person who makes you particularly angry?
+Beer! Gimme some beer!
+Yello? Yes... Mental hospital? I don't know any "Ned Flanders."
+The man who lived next door until his house blew down.
+Oh, him.
+Mr. Simpson? Dr. Foster. Please come with me. You folks are free to roam the grounds. Uh, just remember -- one of our patients is a cannibal. Try to guess which one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
+It stinks! It stinks! It stinks!
+Yes, Mr. Sherman, everything stinks.
+We want to teach Ned to release his anger in healthy doses. We need someone so irritating that Ned simply will not be able to repress his rage.
+Homer, can you be that annoying?
+I... What?
+Get in the booth.
+"Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others."
+Well, howdy, Homer!
+Ooh, thanks for dropping by!
+Mmm. He's not responding. Proceed to Level Two Antagonism.
+Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.
+Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder! Oops, thanks for dropping by.
+Ah, he's still repressing. Maximum hostility factor.
+"I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other." Now that's psychiatry! Eh? Eh?
+Ho ho ho. Very funny, wise guy.
+Aw, that's it. You just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning moronly.
+Hi, neighbor!
+You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.
+Oh, now, why would I be afraid of that?
+Because humans are obnoxious sometimes. Humans hate things.
+Well, maybe a few of them do. Back East.
+I can't find what Homer's saying. Did you write that?
+Um, did you like it?
+C'mon, Flanders. There's got to be something you hate. What about mosquito bites?
+Mmm, mmm. 'Sure are fun to scratch. Mmm. Satisfying.
+What about, uh, fluorescent lights?
+Oh, they hum like angels. You're never lonely if you've got a fluorescent light.
+See? You like everything.
+No, that's not true. I... I... I don't like the service at the post office. Y'know, it's all rush, rush, get you in, get you out. Then, they've got those machines in the lobby. They're even faster. No help there. You might even say I hate the post office. That, and my parents. Lousy beatniks! Hey, that felt good!
+He just said he hates his parents. Do you know what that means?
+Uh, what do you think?
+It means he's cured!
+That's what I said.
+Thanks, everyone. I'm all better now. No more storing up the anger 'til I explode. If any of you does something I don't like, you are gonna hear about it!
+Yes, that's very healthy, Ned.
+And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car!
+Ned, you so crazy.
+Oh, why do they have to put all this crud in my newspaper? "World"... "The Arts"... "Religion" Aha! Here it is: "Kickin' Back!"
+Hey, who cut something out of my paper?
+Not me.
+Not me. I'm more of a mail-tamperer.
+Homer, I happen to like handicrafts much more than stuffing my face.
+Well, don't look at me... just because I'm holding a pair of scissors. Scissors which I need... to uh... to gussy-up these curtains.
+Hello? Oh, hi, Lenny... No. Why would I need a ride this afternoon?
+Where? To the big annual what?
+Lenny? Aw, well. If it was big and annual I'm sure they'd have mentioned it in the newspaper.
+Yeah, it's a lazy dog-dangling afternoon. But something's a little off...
+Hey, Marge, you don't smoke!
+Well, I just felt like filling the house with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco.
+You're nuts. I gotta get some fresh air.
+No, Homie, wait!
+What's wrong with you? What are you trying to hide from m-- What's that smell? Onions... Chili powder... Cumin... Juicy ground chuck... It's chili! Oh my God, I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off!
+I'm missing the Cook-Off! It's going on right now and I'm missin' it!
+All right, I was trying to keep it from you, but I had a good reason. Every time you go to that cook-off, you get drunk as a poet on payday. Remember last year?
+Look at me! I'm a puffy pink cloud!
+Oh, well, of course... everything looks bad if you remember it. Now where are my chili boots? Ah!
+Okay, we'll go to the Chili Cook-Off. But I want you to promise me you won't have any beer.
+Okay, quit naggin' me. I won't have any beer. Geez, why don't you have a cigarette or something?
+Mmm, I suppose I could...
+I'm gonna go get some vegetarian chili before they get desperate and add meat.
+I'm gonna go claim some valuables at the Lost and Found.
+Ooh, look at that adorable spice rack!
+Eight spices! Oh, some must be doubles. "Or-uh-GAHN-o?" What the hell...?
+Marge, we're missing the chili! Less artsy, more fartsy!
+Fine. I'll come find you when I'm ready to stop having fun.
+Remember your promise: no drinking.
+Stupor Pooper.
+Howdy howdy, Marge and Hom-- oh, my mistake, Homer's not even with you! Probably just knocking back a few "refreshments."
+Thank you for your concern, Helen. Homer isn't drinking today.
+Oh. I think it's lovely that he said that... and that you believed him!
+Now, Helen, let us not glory in Homer's binge-drinking. There but for the grace of God goes Marge herself.
+Oh, man, he's here! The dude with the fireproof stomach!
+The spoon!
+They say he carved it himself, from a bigger spoon.
+Five-alarm chili, eh?
+One... two... Hey, what's the big idea?
+Oh, I admit it! It's only two-alarm -- two-and-a-half tops! I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.
+Daddy, are you going to jail?
+We'll see, son. We'll see.
+Evenin', little lady. Do you reckon a square could get a dance?
+It looks so complicated... Do you know how?
+Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk.
+Woo-woo!
+Hmmm. A bland, timid entry -- suitable, perhaps, for patients recovering from surgery. Heh, heh, heh.
+That Simpson, he thinks he's the Pope of Chilitown. Well, this year I am ready for him!
+Hello, Chief.
+Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango!
+Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
+Uh, Wiggy...? My chili's gettin' cold.
+Hot! Hot!
+You promised you wouldn't drink!
+But I need it!
+Aw, lousy Wiggum. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss...
+Wait, mister! You're drinking a candle!
+You don't wanna get wax in your mouth, do you?
+Maybe I do, son. Maybe I do.
+Outstanding.
+Hey, everybody, look who's back! It's the biiig baby! Oh, this porridge is too hot! Oh, waah waah waah!
+Want some more, do ya? Well, sure! Heck, it's not my job to talk people outta killin' themselves...
+More, please.
+Good Lord! This can't be happening!
+By all medical logic, steam should be shootin' out of his ears!
+His ears if we're lucky!
+Well, Chief, don't quit your day job... heh, heh, heh... whatever that is.
+Heh, heh! My finest hour! And Marge wasn't even here to see it.
+Ooh. I don't feel so good.
+Flanders! You gotta help me!
+Sure, buddy, I'd be happy to...
+...help out. What can I do-diddily-do...diddily-doodily-diddily-hoobily-hobbily-hibbily-gooble-gobble-gooble-gooble-gabba-gabba-hey?
+Goo-goo-ga-joob?
+Haw! Haw!... Haw! Haw!
+Hey, mister, do you need some hel--
+Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.
+What's happening to me? Okay, retrace your steps... woke up, fought with Marge, ate Guatemalan insanity peppers. Then I -- Ohhhh.
+Where am I? Shelbyville?
+Come on, Marge! Will you... Fight fair! I never do this to you!
+Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. I'd better check my pupils...
+Oh... kay. I think I'm gonna be leaving now.
+Huh? Sunrise, sunset... Sunrise, sunset... SUNRISE, SUNSET / SUNRISE, SUNSET...
+Note to self: stop doing anything.
+Has anyone seen Homer?
+Marge, better you hear it from me than some gossipy neighbor -- Homer made a total jackass of himself.
+Oh, Helen, that's enough. Call off your dogs.
+Oh, but someone had to tell her. And I got here first!
+Helen, zip it! Zip!
+Oh, please... Tim!...
+Ziparoo!
+No beer, huh? I guess I know what a promise from Homer J. Simpson is worth.
+Hey buddy! Get back there with the other rocks!
+Huh? A tortoise?
+Follow... the... This must be why I'm here! Follow the what? Follow the what? Hurry up!
+Get moving, you stupid... When I'm kicking you, that means "hurry up". Come on!
+Oh. You want me to climb that, huh? No problemo.
+This is 'cause I kicked you, isn't it?
+Lis, check it out. Time for chili.
+I saw it, Bart.
+You're just mad cause there's no clock in your hat.
+What hat?
+Aw, this baby's wasted on an idiot like you. Where's Homer?
+Your father decided he'd rather come home in a taxi. Or a police car.
+Marge! Thank God you're here! Where's the car?
+Marge? Marge? Oh, now what? If you're still mad at me, I'm gonna be really mad.
+Aw, I hate this place! Why am I here?!
+You are on a quest for knowledge.
+Who said that?
+Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
+There is a lesson you must learn.
+If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.
+No, I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away, with a thousand thoughts at once.
+Yeah, that's me all right.
+Clarity is the path to inner peace.
+But what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?
+Are you kidding? If anything, you should get more possessions. You don't even have a computer!
+You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey, and I would -- Hey!!
+Knock it off!
+Sorry. I am a coyote...
+Look, just gimme some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya.
+Good. Your mind is in a state of readiness. So listen well: To make yourself complete, you must find your soul mate.
+Soul mate?
+Your kindred spirit. The one with whom you share an unspoken bond... a profound, mystical understanding.
+That's it? Well, that's Marge. Big deal. Great spiritual quest, wolfie. My soul mate is Marge.
+Hey, wait! Come back!...
+A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way!... Now less!... Now none!
+Hey, get off the course, you bum! Security!
+Wha? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap... Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the Pro Shop!
+And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.
+Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate.
+Hey, wait a minute. There's no such thing as a talking dog.
+Damn straight.
+So then I says to Mabel, I says...
+Hi, kids.
+I'll finish this later. Hi, Dad.
+Where's your mother?
+Out back.
+So anyway, I says to Mabel, I says...
+Hi, honey.
+Uh-oh. I guess you're cranky because I didn't come home last night...
+I'm "cranky" because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town. You broke your promise, Homer.
+Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk. I just went to a strange fantasy world. C'mon, you gotta believe me. You're my soul mate.
+Don't "soul mate" me!
+That coyote said my soul mate would understand me, but Marge doesn't understand me at all. Maybe we're not kindred spirits. We don't have anything in common...
+Look at these records! Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, the Doodletown Pipers! Now look at her records... They stink! Maybe I had that crazy dream for a reason...
+Wherever my soul mate is, it's not here.
+...I always just figured my wife was my soul mate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?
+This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.
+Hey, Barney! Soul mate! Let me buy you a beer.
+Okay, but I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum.
+Well what about you, Lenny?
+I'm a crony.
+I'd say acquaintance.
+Call me sympathizer.
+Compadre.
+Associate.
+Contemporary.
+I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.
+Hello? Is this G-B-M? Uh, yeah. I read in the personals you were seeking a soul mate and, well, I also like rainy days and movies. Uh huh... uh, no, I don't like that. Or that. No, it's not that I'm afraid. I'm gonna hang up now. Bye-bye. Oh, I give up.
+Find your soul mate, Homer. Find your soul mate.
+Where? Where?!
+This is just your memory. I can't give you any new information.
+Huh. What's that blinking light?
+The lighthouse keeper!
+The loneliest man in the world! He'll understand me!
+Earl. My new friend's name is Earl!
+Here I come, buddy! No more loneliness for Homer and Earl....
+A machine? Earl's a machine. Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soul mate has yielded a lighthouse-keeping robot! Oh, wow!
+Hey, look! Is that Dad?
+Either that or Batman has really let himself go.
+Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!
+A ship! A ship with people! I know... I'll bring them to me! And then they'll have to be my friends!
+Come here, people!
+Arr, Matey, nary a warning light to be seen. 'Tis clear sailing ahead for our precious cargo.
+Uh... would that be the hotpants, sir?
+Aye... the hotpants.
+Well, I won't be lonely for long....
+Oh, Homer, thank goodness you're safe!
+I woke up and you weren't there, and I was so worried...
+Really? You were? But how did you find me?
+Well, I was sure you'd be on foot, because you always say public transportation is for losers. And I was sure you'd head west, because Springfield slopes down that way. And then I saw the lighthouse, and I remembered how you love blinking lights... like the one on the waffle iron...
+Or that little guy on the "Don't Walk" sign.
+Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soul mates because...
+...we had a fight?
+Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus...
+...and you're from Mars.
+Oh, sure. Give me the one with all the monsters.
+Homer, don't you see? Our differences are only skin-deep...
+...But our sames go right down to the bone. Maybe we do have a...
+...a profound mystical understanding?
+Hey... we do! Oh, Marge!
+We're number one! We're number one! In your face, space coyote!
+Space coyote?
+Omigod! The ship!
+We'll all be killed!
+The light! We gotta get the light back on!
+Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We're on a collision course! Hard a-starboard!
+Um, port.
+Aye, port.
+They see us! They're starting to turn!
+We did it!
+We sure did... soul mate.
+Look at all them hot pants!
+Hey! Who likes short shorts?
+We like short shorts!
+Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.
+Our story begins on a Friday morning in a little town called Springfield.
+TGIF! Guys, I'm off to Moe's.
+But Homer, it's ten in the morning.
+Don't worry, I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." First, I hook this common VCR into the security camera system like so...
+Then, I insert this old videotape of us working on a continuous loop...
+So, another Friday is upon us. What'll you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt.
+W-what?
+You know, lighthearted. Fancy free. "Mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town!"
+Exactly, sir.
+Thank God it's Wednesday.
+It's Friday.
+Uh-oh. Wrong pills.
+Eh, little help.
+Sorry, Donkey Kong. You're just not a draw anymore.
+Hey, he's still got it.
+Thirty-eight... thirty-nine... forty quarters. This better be good.
+Game over. Please deposit forty quarters.
+What a rip!
+Thank God it's Friday.
+Hello? Hello?
+Bad dog!
+Bad cat!
+Bad fawn! Hmm. Shoo! Shoo!
+All right! It's time for ABC's TGIF lineup!
+Lis, when you get a little older you'll learn that Friday's just another day between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday Night Crap-o-rama.
+Another Duff, Homer?
+Nah, it's Friday night Moe. I wanna try something special.
+Uh, sure, sure.
+Uh, here you go. Düff. From Sweden.
+Skoal! Wait a minute -- this is Duff!
+Ah, ha ha, you got me, didn't ya? All right, here you go -- "Red Tick Beer."
+Hmm, bold -- refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on.
+Hmm... needs more dog.
+Well, it's one a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
+Just a second, Homer, you gotta take a breathalyzer test before I let you drive home.
+Eh, I guess I'll walk home.
+Oh, son, I'm glad to see ya. I went for the morning paper and I got lost, and...
+No time for you, old man!
+Please, don't hurt me!
+Don't be afraid.
+Yaaaa...
+Homer, it's two a.m.! What happened?
+It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid!"
+Have you been drinking?
+No! Well, ten beers...
+I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet.
+Maybe you just dreamed it.
+Oh, yeah? Well, when I came to, I was covered with a sticky translucent goo! Explain that!
+More sausage?
+Dad, according to "Junior Skeptic Magazine" the chances are a hundred seventy-five million-to-one of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours.
+It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic low-lifes with boring jobs! Oh, and you, Dad. Heh heh...
+I am the thing from Uranus!
+Oh. It's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked... by my own children... on my birthday!
+It's your birthday?
+Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dog's?
+Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday? We've got to get you a present! Yes we do! Yes we do!
+We love you boy!
+Good doggy. Good doggy!
+Lousy loveable dog.
+Oh, it was awful. They set me on a cold metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes and the -- oh wait, that was my physical.
+Great story, Homer. Really.
+The alien has a sweet heavenly voice -- like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night -- like Urkel!
+Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass... I mean, uh, Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
+You don't have to humiliate me.
+I just torched a building downtown... and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
+Yeah, right, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. Fruitcake.
+Look at this, Scully. There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America.
+We've got to get there right away.
+Ay! It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!
+Well gee, Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
+I hardly think the FBI's concerned with matters like that.
+Hello, can I help you?
+Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.
+I-Is this about that pen that I took from the Post Office? I-I swear I didn't know I put it in my purse. Then I was going to bring it back, but the dog chewed it up and that just made things worse...
+Actually, we're here to see your husband about his UFO encounter.
+Oh. Come. Come in.
+Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup, and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw.
+No, I'm sorry.
+Oh, this makes me very angry.
+Now we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie-detector. I'll ask you a few yes-or-no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
+Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
+No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.
+His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
+Yes, it's like a lava lamp.
+All right, Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
+Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
+Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
+We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?
+You are one fine-lookin' woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that.
+It's not a monster! It's Mr. Burns!
+I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her. I-- Hey, a penny!
+So, uh, who are you guys anyhow?
+Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.
+FBI, huh? Uh, S'cuse me.
+All right, they're on to us. Get him back to Sea World!
+So I says "Blue M & M, red M & M, they all wind up the same color in the end."
+Homer, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar?
+I was standing right here, when the horrible creature emerged from the woods.
+For the love of God, help me. I've been here for four days, and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth. There he is!
+Come back here you! Slow down! I'll git ye!
+This is the worst assignment we've ever had.
+Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?
+Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!
+No, this is much more irritating. I've seen enough, Mulder. Let's go.
+Yeah, okay. But somewhere out there something is watching us. There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive.
+Are we alone in the universe? Impossible, when you consider the wonders that exist all around us... the voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of "Unsolved Mysteries." The truth is out there!
+Who'd've thought a whale could be so heavy? Cheese it. The Feds!
+Oh, Marge, I've never felt so alone. No one believes me. Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say "I believe you, Homer."
+I don't believe you, Homer.
+You do?! Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy!
+You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear.
+Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.
+Homer, please! I try to be supportive, but this has gone too far. Please just let it be.
+No, I can't. This is my cause. I'm like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
+Please, let's just go to sleep.
+No, I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy. Unless you're feeling... amorous?
+No, I'm not.
+Well then, good night!
+Hey, Dad. What's the word from Planet Crackpot?
+Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me, too.
+Well, actually, Dad... I believe you.
+You do?
+Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.
+Thank you, son. And do you think you could stop the casual swearing?
+Hell, yes.
+That's my boy. Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday we're going back to the woods, and we're going to find that alien!
+What if we don't?
+We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.
+They'll buy anything!
+Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
+I kill me.
+...weis...
+...weis...
+Yo, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
+Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs... besides, it's such a beautiful night. How about a ghost story?
+And that is how much college will cost for Maggie!
+No! No! No-o-o-o-o!
+You know, Dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien. I've really had a great time out here.
+Yeah, me too.
+It's him!
+I bring you peace.
+As a representative of planet earth, let me be the first to say...
+Bwah! Bwah! Bwaaaaah!
+It's gone. And we still don't have any proof.
+Oh yes we do! I got it all on tape.
+Good work, son! We did it! We did it!
+And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Goodnight.
+Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.
+Oh. Fine. Let me just get, uh, something out of my car.
+I don't think he's coming back.
+Tonight on Eyewitness News: a man who's been in a coma for twenty-three years wakes up!
+Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
+No, uh, she won an Oscar and he's a congressman.
+Good night!
+But first, E.T. phone Homer -- Simpson that is!
+Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape!
+Local man Homer Simpson -- shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost --
+-- has given us this videotape. It's a Close Encounter of the Blurred Kind .
+I bring you peace!
+The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel Six news team will be there. Except for Phil, the boom mic operator who's getting fired tomorrow.
+Very unprofessional, Phil.
+Well, Lis, what do you think about the alien now?
+I think there must be a more logical explanation. And I think the people of this town aren't gonna be won over by three seconds of videotape.
+Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all. Doctor Hibbert?
+Yes, is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based?
+Uh... the second one. Zilliphone. Next question.
+Is the alien Santa Claus?
+Uh, yes.
+Uh, were you on my roof last night, stealing my weathervane?
+This interview is over!
+I remember another gentle visitor from the Heavens. He came in peace, but then died, only to come back to life. And his name was... E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. I loved that little guy.
+Leonard Nimoy! What are you doin' here?
+Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
+Uh-huh.
+Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
+Surprise me!
+Take a look at this, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer is a Dope" T-shirts, do you?
+We sold those out in five minutes.
+Marge! How could you?
+These shirts are a hundred per cent cotton! And look at the fine stitching on "Dope!"
+I'll take two!
+Look! There it is!
+Oh Homie! Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you!
+I bring you love!
+Now, is that the love between a man and a woman or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar?
+Uh... I bring you love!
+It's bringing love! Don't let it get away!
+Break its legs!
+You want an alien? This is your alien!
+Hello children! I bring you love!
+Gracias.
+Aw. It's Mr. Burns! Kill it! Kill it!
+No, no, let me explain... Every Friday evening after work, Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments designed to cheat death for another week...
+First, Mr. Burns' chiropractors perform a slight spinal adjustment...
+Then a team of doctors administers eye drops, painkillers, and a vocal cord scraping...
+Don't worry, you won't feel a thing --till I jam this down your throat!
+The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented.
+La la la la la...
+The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.
+But what's with the glowing?
+Uh, I'll field that question. A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love. I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and...
+Time for a booster!
+GOOD MORNING STAR SHINE / THE EARTH SAYS HELLO.
+YOU TWINKLE ABOVE US / WE TWINKLE BELOW.
+GOOD MORNING STAR SHINE / YOU LEAD US ALONG...
+Well, you said you'd bring them peace and love and it looks like you did it. I'm proud of you, Homie.
+Thanks, Marge.
+TOOBY OOBY WOLLA / NOOBY OBBA NOBBA / EARLY MORNING SINGING SONG.
+And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Goodnight and keep watching the skis! Uh, skies.
+They say the pancakes here stink.
+Thank you, Agnes. Let's begin. I'm happy to report that our shares in Dynaflux Unimatics are up a delicious 7 and 3/4! This means our investment club portfolio has nearly doubled in value!
+I suggest we pump our profits into some new, high-risk ventures.
+Oh, oh! How about OklaSoft? It's Oklahoma's fastest-growing software company.
+Um -- cushions! Everybody likes to sit on cushions.
+Children are so fat today. Isn't there some way we could make money off that?
+There's a Franchise Fair this weekend. Why don't we buy a business?
+I'm not wild about these high-risk ventures. They sound a little risky.
+Oh, Marge, you are such a wet blanket...
+If we'd listened to you, we wouldn't have sponsored that Mexican wrestler!
+Yet she still gets to share in all the profits!
+I guess I'm just not comfortable with the whole idea of "investing"...
+Mmm, face it. You can't keep up with the go-go 90's.
+Well, Marge, you're about as popular as a rugburn! All in favor of expelling Marge from the Investorettes?
+All right, Helen, if I'm not wanted, I'll leave.
+You'll get your pancakes in the mail.
+...and then they gave me back my 500 dollar investment and kicked me out of the club.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait -- back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail?
+Well, maybe it's all for the best...
+What do you need to make money for anyway? As long as I have my earning power, this family's got nothing to worry about.
+Ow! Oh! Call work and tell 'em I won't be in tomorrow.
+Mom, this is no time to be conservative. Let's roll the dice here.
+It would be nice to beat those women at their own game. Maybe I should look into a franchise.
+Greetings, humans. I am Investo the Robot, from the planet Opportuniac. My superior brain advises you to enter the Franchise Fair.
+Well, we're trying to, but you're blocking our way.
+Danger! Danger! Don't forget to pick up pamphlets!
+I'll handle this.
+Help, help. Help. Security code 30.
+Well, that's the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need, plus a familiar brand name people trust. You'll be on a rocket ride to the moon. And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me, Royce McCutcheon.
+No deal, McCutcheon. That moon money is mine!
+Now folks, I don't want to alarm you, but scientists say 40% of America's pictures are hanging crooked.
+Yeah, it's true. And I hear you asking, "Well, who's going to straighten out all these artistic abominations?" Your friends? A neighbor? Those fat-cats in Washington? Good luck. Hey, you know -- "Maybe no one will notice. Maybe the problem will just fix itself."
+Now you're the one who's being naive.
+Okay, fair enough, but you sound like you're ready to become your own boss in the exciting world of frame nudging.
+Yes, for a minimal franchise fee, you'll receive a pair of straightening gloves, a canister of wall lubricant, and a booklet of the most commonly asked questions you will hear, including "Who are you?" and "What are you doing here?"
+Oh, I don't want to own my own business. I don't know why I came here in the first place.
+Hello, Helen.
+Uh... oh...
+Oh, my name is Agnes and you know it's Agnes. It means "lamb," "lamb of God!"
+I'm sorry, Agnes.
+Oh yeah.
+Did you know that disco record sales were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue, aaaayyyyyy...
+Uh, your fish are dead.
+Yeah, I know. I can't get them out of there.
+Hmm, "pita." Well, I don't know about food from the Middle East. Isn't that whole area a little "iffy"?
+Hey, I'm no geographer. You and I? Why don't we call it "Pocket Bread," huh?
+Uh, what's "ta-hi-ni?"
+Flavor sauce.
+And "fa-la-fel?"
+Crunch patties.
+So we'd be selling foreign foo--
+Specialty foods. Here, try a Ben Franklin.
+Mmm, that is good. What's in it?
+Tabouleh and rezmi-kabob.
+Um, that's our chef, Christopher.
+I could see eating this. I really could. And I am not kidding.
+Look at them. They've jumped on the one franchise I might possibly have considered thinking about becoming interested in. I'm not cut out for the world of business.
+Oh, you sound like me. Well, the old me. Which was, ironically, the young me.
+I was once like you were, young lady, like all these people, lost in a sea of flashy gimmicks and empty promises. Then God tossed me a life preserver.
+A tasty, golden-brown life preserver. Here, try a pretzel.
+Mmm... hmm... That's not bad.
+It is not only not bad, it's not bread. "Knot bread," you get it, see? Heh, heh, you see?
+Let's hear it for the newest members of the Fleet-A-Pita franchise!
+Maude! Helen! Agnes! LuAnn! Edna! Bart!
+I had that dream again!
+Wooo! We're number one! We're number one!
+Hey, what's going on?! Wait, wait! Hey, let go of me!...
+Your franchise, how much?
+I'll take it!
+Congratulations! And welcome to the dynamic world of mobile pretzel retailing.
+When can I start? What's my territory?
+Your territory? Well, well, let me tell you. Wherever a young mother is ignorant of what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less then total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you will be there.
+Don't forget fat people. They can't stop eating!
+Hey, pretzels!
+Oh, hello. I'm Frank Ormand, and if you're watching me, that means you've got pretzel fever, and not the kind that attacked my intestinal lining some years back. So let's get your franchise up and running.
+Start by setting up an office in your basement or garage. An automatic garage door opener makes you feel like you're working in a futuristic wonderworld.
+Next, blanket your community with flyers. A phony ticker-tape parade will help you avoid littering laws.
+Welcome back, Space Girl!
+Now, you're ready to make pretzels. Open your bag of ingredients... ...check for millipedes... Eiw.
+Hey, what's all that commotion outside? Why, it's one of those Pretzel Wagons the movie stars are always talking about.
+Here? Our plant?
+That's right, Lenny. Let's all give in to deliciousness, the Pretzel Wagon way.
+Yeah, let's do that! / Yay! / Homer's right! / Oh, yeah!
+Wow, Mom, look at all those customers!
+Hairnets, everyone.
+Welcome to Pretzel Wagon. May I take your order?
+Uh, let's see... I'll have one... Uh...
+Hey, hurry up. I wanna get my pretzel.
+One pretzel.
+Thank you.
+Let's see... Um, I will have one of your... Uh...
+Come on, come on, while we're young.
+Wow, check out that van. It looks like it doesn't even need our business.
+Hey, let's go!
+Excuse me. I had this spot first.
+Oh, sorry, dear. Just business. Ha!
+Well, I guess Macy's and Gimbel's learned to live side by side.
+Gimbel's is gone, Marge. Long gone. You're Gimbel's.
+Very well. There must be dozens of great locations in this town. Don't you worry about me.
+Hey! Slow down! I wants to talk to you! Give us three hundred pretzels.
+You see? A little persistence and patience paid off. That'll be 300 dollars.
+Hey, I don't think so. I got me three hunnert coupons.
+I should've said "limit -- one per customer."
+Shoulda, but didna. So hand 'em over. Hey, kids, we're eating dinner tonight! C'mon! Tiffany! Heather! Cody! Dylan! Dermutt! Jordan! Taylor! Brittany! Wesley! Rumer! Scout! Cassidy! Zoe! Chloe! Max! Hunter! Kendall! Caitlin! Noah! Sascha! Morgan! Kyra! Ian! Lauren! Q-Bert! Phil!
+"Hang in there, baby." You said it, kitty. Copyright 1968? Hmm. Determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That's kind of a downer.
+They're good pretzels, Mom. But you've got to think big. Find a major public event and set up shop there.
+Here you go -- free Pretzel Wagon pretzels for everyone! One bite and you'll be hooked!
+Thank you.
+That means thank you, Marge.
+Ladies and gentlemen, a winner has been chosen for today's giveaway. And the 1997 Pontiac AstroWagon goes to the fan sitting in seat number zero zero zero one... C. Montgomery Burns!
+And the fans do not like this one bit.
+And here come the pretzels!
+Oh, no! No! Don't do that! You're supposed to be tasting them!
+Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field, pleading with the crowd for... for some kind of sanity.
+Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious.
+Wow, this is, uh, this is a black day for baseball.
+Oh, cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford.
+You could call 'em Whitey Whackers.
+I was wrong to have a dream. Wrong as usual. I mean, if you're nothing special, why kid yourself?
+Oh, Mom, no!
+Listen to your mother, kids: aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed.
+Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter, it's under my face.
+Marge needs help, and God knows, I'm not the man to provide it. But I know who can...
+Aw, looks like Mr. Pretzel Man is doing pretty well for himself.
+I'm here to see Mr. Ormand.
+Of course. Right this way.
+Oh, I guess I should speak to the executor of his estate.
+He's right over there.
+They were in the same car.
+You're my last hope. I've never reached out to you before, but my wife is in her hour of need. Your help could make all the difference in the world.
+See, Boss? I told ya that ad in the Church Bulletin would pay off.
+Hello? Uh, no, Pretzel Wagon's no longer -- Three hundred pretzels?! Wait, wait, let me get this down. Mmm... Mmm... Meatpackers Union Hall... Batavia, New York... I'll send them right out! Homer, Homie, wake up! Wake up, I'm back in business!
+I had a feeling things would work out for you, honey.
+Hey! What are you doing!
+This is a pretzel town, pretty boy.
+Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
+Yes, I am sure. Sure as sure can be.
+Oh my God, what happened to your fingers?!
+Boating accident.
+I believe it was a boking accident.
+I have to go now.
+I don't understand why they won't unload our falafel fixin's!
+Ship's impounded, Ma'am.
+Yeah, we uh, found a couple o' barnacles on the hull. That, and uh, the deck was uh, wet.
+That's crazy! And what are those men doing under my van?!!
+Look, lady, if I was you, I would just leap into the air as I am preparing to do.
+Here you go, Homer.
+Thanks, Moe.
+Aw, Homer. You know your money's no good here.
+Hey, wait a minute -- this is real money!
+Yeah, my wife is raking it in.
+Greetings, Homer.
+Hey, Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?
+Uh, uh, yes. I am. Thank you for asking. Now Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh... how shall I say, Mafia crime syndicate.
+Now, the time has come for you to do us a favor.
+You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony... I will say good day to you, sir.
+Okay, I will go.
+Hey, wait a minute.
+Well, here I am -- 11905 Dead Weasel Road, but I don't see any apartment building, I just --
+Hey, what's going on?
+Is, uh, there a button or a release for these keys?
+Oh, oh, you have to push in as you turn.
+Yeah, that's it.
+Who are you?
+We are your business partners, and as such, we are entitled to a percentage of your profits. Something in the area of 100 per cent.
+What are you talking about?
+We suggest you have a conversation with your husband. You have twenty-four hours to give us our money. And to show you we're serious... you have twelve hours.
+See you at six a.m.
+Homer, did you tell the Mafia they could eliminate my competitors with savage beatings and attempted murder?
+In those words? Yes.
+Oh, it just sickens me. How could you do this to someone you love?
+How could I not? I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America's already bloated snack-hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do: I reached out to some violent mobsters.
+Oh, Homer, I know you were trying to shield me from failure, but this is my business, and the Mafia's not getting one cent of my money!
+So what are we gonna do?
+We're going to do what we do every day. We're going to make pretzels.
+There, that's the last one.
+Oh, thank God. It's only Grampa.
+Now what?
+Sorry we're late. Could we have the money now?
+The answer is no.
+I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies: "Where's the money?," "When are you going to get the money?," "Why aren't you getting the money now?," and so on. So please, the money.
+You heard her. She said "no."
+Legs, Louie, advance on them.
+There they are!
+Well, well, if it isn't Marge Simpson and her gangland cronies.
+Your goon squad certainly gave you the edge in the mobile snack business. But I'm afraid we've outdone you once again. Hiroshi? Yukio?
+Perhaps you've heard of the Yakuza? The Poison Fists of the Pacific Rim? The Japanese Mafia?
+They'll kill you five times before you hit the ground.
+Take that! Take this! C'mere you little squirt.
+Homie, maybe we should go inside.
+But Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet.
+Look at him. He's gonna do something. And you know it's gonna be good!
+You must hate me, Marge. Every time I try to help, I just fail miserably.
+Oh, I don't hate you for failing. I love you for trying.
+What's going on outside?
+Oh, it's just a mob war. Go back to sleep, Honey.
+Forgiveness, please.
+Good morning, Sir. Care for some coffee?
+No, the promise of a new day is more than enough exhilaration for me.
+Smithers, coffee...
+Ah! We need some excitement around here!
+Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?
+No, no, something fun. Something the men will enjoy like a safety drill! But what kind?
+Eh, meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah, I think a good old fashioned fire drill today.
+Alright, popcorn's ready!
+Hey, that's the fire alarm!
+We gotta get outta here!
+Wait for me! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
+Get out of my way!
+Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
+Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
+45 seconds.
+And what's our time so far?
+I don't know, sir. The... this stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
+Damnation! What kind of slowcoaches do I have working for me? Ah, here comes one of our fellows now.
+I think I won, Mr. Burns.
+Yes, you won all right. You won more than you bargained for.
+Woo hoo!
+What a disgraceful display. I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.
+Maybe he does, but I don't.
+Hey, you take that back!
+No, you take that back!
+Hit 'em, Carl! You too, Lenny!
+So Burns is going to make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
+Teamwork is overrated.
+Think about it. I mean, what "team" was Babe Ruth on? Who knows?
+Yankees.
+Thank you. Now pair off as I draw your names. Lenny and... Carl.
+Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
+Hmmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter, but I think we have to go on the retreat anyway.
+Well, here we are.
+All right. Let me start off by telling you this will not be a walk in the park. This will be the most arduous and backbreaking weekend of your life. I cannot overemphasize the dangers which... did you bring your family, Simpson?
+Uh... yes sir. I thought I was supposed to.
+Imbecile. Simpson, your family will have to remain here.
+Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun.
+I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.
+Well, see ya.
+Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.
+Uh, I lost my map.
+You haven't been issued a map yet. When you arrive at the cabin, there will be a congratulatory party with sandwiches and moderately priced champagne.
+Now as an added incentive, the second to last team to arrive at the cabin will receive an hilarious "World's Worst Employee" trophy.
+Hey, this sounds like fun.
+And the last team to arrive will be fired.
+And to show that I'm not playing favorites, both Smithers and I will be participating. Who knows? I might be the unlucky one who gets fired. Not bloody likely.
+I've placed all your names in this hat--
+Woooo-hoooo! / Huzzah!
+Aw, nuts-- I mean, uh... Aw, nuts.
+Fong and... Zutroy... Kimball and... Dawson... Haney and... Drucker...
+Simpson and... Burns?
+Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
+Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.
+Why do we always fight on vacation? Now there's only one name left. Whoever it is will be paired with me. And that person is... ...Waylon Smithers. Perfect. That's just perfect.
+Prepare for the adventure of a lifetime as you fight for survival against the merciless forces of nature! Toe your marks, get set, go!
+Ready, Mr. Burns?
+One moment.
+Only who can prevent forest fires?
+You pressed "you", referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.
+Mom, can Lisa and I play outside, away from the bear?
+Okay, but when you start getting apple-cheeked, it's time to come in.
+How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your bony old behind!
+Bony old behind! Bony old behind! Bony old behind!
+Bony old behind!
+Why, thank you, Simpson. I have been watching my figure.
+Lis, Lis, come here! I found two snowflakes that are exactly alike!
+Really? Let me see!
+Oops. Sorry.
+Hi, Mr. Smithers!
+Oh great, it's the Bobbsey twins. Well, take your prying eyes elsewhere.
+Oh, I'm sorry. It hasn't been a good day. If I don't get to the top of the mountain real soon, I could get fired.
+We'll help you.
+I have a watch with a minute hand.
+All right. You can come. What time is it?
+12:80. No, wait. Wait. Wh-- what comes after twelve?
+No, after twelve.
+Tell me, Simpson, if an opportunity arose for taking a small shortcut, you wouldn't be averse to taking it would you?
+Uh, not as such.
+Neither would I. I've always felt that there's far too much hysteria these days about so-called "cheating".
+Yes, lotta hysteria...
+Mmm-hmm. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say, cheating is the gift Man gives himself.
+Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!
+Excellent.
+And to do so, I propose we travel by...
+Horseless sleigh.
+Wow. You sure know how to cheat, Mr. Burns.
+Yes, well, I'm older than you. You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.
+No sir. I am not.
+Bart? Lisa?
+The story of our National Parks begins in 1872. Perhaps we should let John Muir tell the tale.
+Excuse me, sir. I can't find my children.
+Have you checked the woods?
+Hmm. Follow me.
+We made it, old friend!
+We'll take the chair-lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair-lift.
+Well, I won't lie to you, ma'am. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil.
+Hi, Mom!
+There they are! Let me down here.
+Uh, sorry. There's no way off 'til we get to the top, and even then it's sort of tricky.
+All right, kids. We'll meet you at the top. Just be careful!
+Eh, I'm actually a little more concerned about us. Um, do you know how to weld?
+That worked sooo well.
+We have several hours before the others arrive. What say we get comfy?
+Now we have electricity. This propane tank will supply us with heat, and this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
+No going through the window for us!
+Is there maple syrup in this one?
+There isn't any food in any of these trees. Please Bart, we've got to hurry. I can't be the last one to reach the cabin.
+Hey, I'm not gonna get fired. Is there any gold in this mountain?
+It doesn't matter.
+I'll check.
+Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! I found another hurt shrew! I think this one has a twisted ankle!
+Twisted a... Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?
+Well, I don't suppose the others will mind us starting the party early, Homie old boy. More champagne?
+You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
+Oh, yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
+Oh, these sure are comfortable chairs.
+Oh, yes, sitting. The great leveler. From the mightiest Pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?
+Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?
+Yes, yes! That's it! Oh, I could go for one of those right now!
+The only hard part is getting up.
+Why get up? Here's a little move I've been tinkering with. Say I want that bowl of dip.
+Why, you'd have to get up.
+Sir, I am in your debt.
+Use it wisely, my friend.
+Hey, did you hear something?
+Hmm. Did I?
+I don't know.
+Hope that wasn't an avalanche. Be a chum and have a look-see.
+You got it, buddy.
+Isn't there any way out of here?
+Um, I don't see one. Unless...
+No. There's no way out.
+There must be some way to contact the outside world. Ah, the telegraph.
+S-O-S. Avalanche... Send... Help...
+According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
+Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them um, metaphorical things.
+Oh, yeah, yeah. Like maybe the "cabin" is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.
+Ohhhh. Nah, they said there'd be sandwiches.
+Simpson, I have a confession. I'm not quite the tunnel digger I made myself out to be.
+You can supervise me.
+All right, good. Let's dig... That's right, dig some more... Oh, we make quite a duo: Burns and associate. No, no, what am I thinking? Burns and... teammate.
+We sure did!
+What happened?
+I think when we yelled we caused another avalanche.
+We... should... be... careful... not... to... speak... unless... it's... absolutely... positively... necessary.
+Shhh! You're causing more avalanches. .
+I think they've stopped. .
+Let's go.
+Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson.
+So what?
+Sew buttons.
+Oh, there's not another place for miles. This must be the cabin Burns was talking about.
+Well, we made it here first, all thanks to teamwork.
+Yeah, my teamwork.
+We must be covered by a thousand feet of snow.
+It could be days before they find us.
+Hmmm... no books, no radio, no board games. Ah! A Bazooka Joe comic.
+Ech! I heard that one 75 years ago.
+We could build snowmen.
+No, I have a better idea! We could build real men. Out of snow.
+Oh... Okay.
+Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!
+Fine. Good. I don't care anymore. I'm the last one here. You kids cost me my job.
+You ain't last, Mr. Smithers.
+Oh, thank goodness.
+Yeah. Burnsie and Homer never made it.
+Mr. Burns is still out there?
+What about our dad?!
+Stay back! I have powers! Uh, political powers!
+Ah. 206 bones... fifty miles of small intestine... full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god.
+Well, we've managed to stave off cabin fever for a few hours.
+I... I think we should dress the snowmen.
+Agreed.
+Look at them. Smug and secure in their finery. Mocking us.
+Uh, they're just snowmen, Mr. Burns.
+Ah, snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch. To watch for our moment of weakness and then baff! comes the knock on the head and we're down.
+What do we do?
+Oh, wouldn't you like to know.
+Hey, what is going on here? Who are you people? This is a lookout post. Where's Ranger McFadden?
+I was jush happy to see so many nice people...
+Quiet, you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden?
+Right here, sir. Right behind the drunk.
+Wait a minute. If this is a ranger station, we must be in the wrong place.
+The only other cabin is right over there. Huh...
+Look at all these avalanches. Do you think they could've buried the cabin?
+Well I'll tell ya one thing: They didn't come here for the Mountain Music Festival. March 14-18.
+Mom, Dad and Mr. Burns could be trapped in there!
+I'm trapped with a madman. Look at him, staring into me, filling my mind with paranoid thoughts.
+I know what he's up to! He's thinking of killing me, then riding my carcass down the mountain to safety. He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first.
+I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery.
+You and what army?
+It's showtime!
+Burnsie!
+Okay, search party. Before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. Kids, your father's gonna be just fine. Okay, everybody, put on your corpse handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.
+Did you hear that, Lis? Dad's gonna be just fine.
+Look! What's that?!!
+We'll be dashed to pieces.
+Oh Lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.
+It's them all right.
+We're over here, Homie!
+Oh, something's wrong with its brakes! Gangway!
+Marge, kids.
+Have you people forgotten our little competition? Last one in the cabin is fired.
+Me first! / No, me! / Out my way! / Etc.
+You're fired, Lenny.
+Aw, nuts.
+So how did we do?
+It's a new record, sir.
+Outstanding. Well, perhaps all of this has been worthwhile. Did you all learn about teamwork?
+Excellent. In that case, no one will be fired after all.
+That old goat can't fire me. I'm going to give him a piece of my...
+Aw, nuts.
+Well, Simpson, I must say, once you've been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
+You said it, ya weirdo.
+It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic!
+Hey Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater and... KKK?! That's not good.
+Now I'd like to introduce a new feature never before seen on TV... "Dumb Pet Tricks." Oh boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball.
+Auggh! Oww! Somebody shoot it! Somebody shoot it!
+These specials get worse every year.
+I'll see what else is on. Hey, where's the remote?
+Hello? Hello? Stupid cordless phone. I'll try the old-fashioned model.
+Ah, that's better. How ya doin', Gertie?
+And now, our parody of "Mad About You" entitled "Mad About Shoe."
+Gimme a kiss, baby. No tongue.
+You're not gonna like our "NYPD Shoe" sketch. It's pretty much the same thing.
+Ma, could you get me some milk?
+Can't you get it yourself?
+Oh, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid.
+Oh, all right, all right, I'll get your milk!
+Thank you.
+Does anyone else want anything while I'm up?
+Marge, get me a beer.
+Uh, mom?
+Um, there's a hair in my soup. But I'll just eat around it.
+What kind of hair?
+Well, it's blue... six feet long...
+Ewwwwww!
+It's my hair. Excuse me.
+Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her... during the commercial.
+Now let's hear it for a great American... former president Gerald Ford.
+Thank you, Krusty for inviting me.
+Well, all the good Presidents turned us down.
+Oh, well... I'd like to talk about a subject that is very important to me.
+The Boy Scouts of America have molded men for over 100 years a-what are you...?
+Uh, um... How's your wife Nancy?
+Who cares?
+Oh, Marge I just had a couple of beers.
+Marge, I was just watching Women's Volleyball on ESPN...
+Come on. There's no need for that baba-ma-bushka.
+All right... but don't be shocked.
+Oh, There's no way I could --
+Homie, I'm losing my hair.
+Now sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell. Just like my hair!
+Mrs. Simpson, there's no physical reason why your hair should be falling out. This thing has me buffaloed.
+Phone call, Mrs. Simpson. Lines one and two.
+Ma, I need a glass of milk.
+Me too.
+I think the problem may be stress.
+I was just with Dr. Hibbert. He said I was under a lot of stress and should get some help.
+Marge, whatever it takes to make you well, we'll do it.
+Well... I was thinking we could hire a nanny to help me out.
+A nanny?!
+But how am I supposed to pay for that?
+We'll find a way. Mom has made so many sacrifices for us -- it's time we gave up something for her. I'll stop buying Malibu Stacey clothing.
+And I'll take up smoking and give that up.
+Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
+But he didn't do anything!
+Didn't he Lisa? Didn't he? Hey, wait a minute, he didn't!
+Homie, please, I never ask for much, but this is something I really need.
+All right, Marge. I'll get you your nanny, and to pay for it... I'll give up the Civil War Re-creation Society I love so much.
+Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
+And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
+The South shall "come again!"
+Hello, I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you're looking for a nanny.
+Pleased to meet you.
+Wait a minute, Marge. I saw Mrs. Doubtfire. This is a man in drag!
+You're phony! Fakey phony broad!
+Gimme those.
+Homer, if you're going to do this to every applicant, we're never going to find one.
+Hello. I'm Mrs. Periwinkle.
+I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line-Pow!
+I like him!
+Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor?
+I hide a bottle of Schnapps in the baby's crib.
+I'm sorry, young man, you're not what we're looking for.
+You're telling me, you blue haired witch.
+I heard that!
+I guess we're not going to find anyone.
+We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them?
+That's Carl.
+You have my undivided attention.
+Well, I'd like to hear your suggestions.
+Maestro, if you please.
+IF YOU WISH TO BE OUR SITTER / PLEASE BE SWEET AND NEVER BITTER / HELP US WITH MATH AND BOOK REPORTS /
+MIGHT I ADD, EAT MY SHORTS.
+Just cuttin' through the treacle.
+IF MAGGIE'S FUSSY, DON'T AVOID HER.
+LET ME GET AWAY WITH MOIDER.
+TEACH US SONGS AND MAGIC TRICKS.
+MIGHT I ADD -- NO FAT CHICKS.
+THE NANNY WE WANT IS KINDLY AND SAGE.
+AND ONE WHO WILL WORK FOR MINIMUM WAGE--
+HURRY NANNY, THINGS ARE
+I'll do it!
+ANY-ONE BUT HIM.
+Well that's nice, kids, but I don't know where we're going to find anyone like that.
+Hello. I'm Shary Bobbins.
+Did you say Mary Pop--
+No. I definitely did not. I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck. Now, as your nanny, I'll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers.
+Put me down for one of each.
+Now Ms. Bobbins, if you want this job you're going to have to answer a few questions. First, do you have any bad habits?
+No, I'm practically perfect in every way.
+Well, so am I.
+Okay. Question two -- who was your last employer?
+Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.
+Marge, do we know them?
+Come on -- isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy?
+Oh yeah. So, you worked for Carl, eh?
+I have a question.
+Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm s'posed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a Playdude. What do you do? What do you do?
+I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap about his waning libido.
+Ooh, she is tough.
+Shary Bobbins, you're just what we're looking for.
+Very well. Come along, children.
+My, she seems too good to be true.
+I'll say. Her butt waxed the banister.
+Oh, I can see myself!
+All right children, let's clean up this room.
+Oh, man.
+Do we have to?
+Now, now, I know a little secret that will make the job go twice as fast.
+IF THERE'S A TASK THAT MUST BE DONE / DON'T TURN YOUR TAIL AND RUN / DON'T POUT, DON'T SOB / JUST DO A HALF-ASSED JOB --
+IF YOU CUT EVERY CORNER IT IS REALLY NOT SO BAD / EVERYBODY DOES IT, EVEN MOM AND DAD /
+IF NOBODY SEES IT, THEN NOBODY GETS MAD.
+IT'S THE AMERICAN WAY!
+THE POLICEMAN ON THE BEAT / NEEDS SOME TIME TO REST HIS FEET.
+FIGHTING CRIME IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA...
+AND THE CLERK WHO RUNS THE STORE / CAN CHARGE A LITTLE MORE / FOR MEAT.
+FOR MEAT --
+AND MILK --
+AND MILK --
+FROM 1984...
+IF YOU CUT EVERY CORNER YOU'LL HAVE MORE TIME FOR PLAY --
+IT'S THE AMERICAN WAYYY!
+Hi-dilly-ho Shary Bobbins!
+Yo, Shary Bobbins.
+I picked you some posies, Shary Bobbins.
+Oh, thank you, Nelson.
+Aw geez.
+I'M A MANIAC, MANIAC, -- THAT'S FOR SURE / AND I'M DANCING LIKE I'VE NEVER DANCED BEFORE...
+Aye - that's the stuff!
+Yeah, thank ya, ya ungrateful bast--Shary Bobbins, is that you?
+Hello, Willie.
+You know her?
+Aye, Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the Ugliest Man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.
+It's good to see you, Willie.
+That's not what you said the first time you saw me!
+Extra! Extra! Ripper strikes in White Chapel!
+Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
+Is this legal, man?
+Only here and in Mississippi.
+Oh Shary Bobbins, this is ever so much fun!
+With you, every day is Guy Fawkes Day!
+Bah humbug.
+Oh, Mr. Burns, I think you'll find all life's problems just float away when you're flying a kite.
+Balderdash. This is the silliest load of... Ooh, look at it fly. Whee! Look at me, Smithers, I feel practically superduperfragicaliexpiala-dohhhh!
+Hm. What's this strange sensation in my chest?
+I think your heart's beating again.
+Ooh. That takes me back. God bless you Shary Bobbins.
+That Shary Bobbins is a miracle worker. The kids love her, the house is spotless -- and my hair's grown back. It's so full and thick it can support a beach umbrella!
+Come to bed, Marge.
+No, no. Leave it in.
+It's eight o'clock, children. Time for bed.
+But we're not sleepy.
+Sing us a song, Shary Bobbins.
+Yes, sing us a song!
+I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox! Oh, all right.
+IN FRONT OF A TAVERN, FLAT ON HIS FACE / A BOOZEHOUND NAMED BARNEY IS PLEADING HIS CASE --
+BUY ME A BEER, TWO BUCKS A GLASS / COME ON, HELP ME -- I'M FREEZING MY ASS / BUY ME BRANDY / A SNIFTER OF WINE / WHO AM I KIDDING? / I'LL DRINK TURPENTINE.
+MOVE IT YA DRUNK OR I'LL BLAST YOUR REAR END!
+I FOUND TWO BUCKS.
+THEN COME IN, MY FRIEND.
+AND SO LET US LEAVE ON THIS HEARTWARMING SCENE --
+CAN I BE A BOOZEHOUND?
+NOT TILL YOU'RE FIFTEEN.
+More kippers, mum?
+Oh, thank you.
+Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding.
+The secret ingredient is blood.
+Blood, uch! I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.
+I believe my work here is done.
+Thank you for everything.
+We'll miss you, Shary Bobbins.
+You've changed me as well. I'm no longer the money-driven workaholic I once was.
+I love you all.
+To think I'll never hear their sweet voices again.
+You little...
+I'll just unpack my things.
+I think we got our umbrellas switched!
+Wheeee! I've never felt so alive!
+Little more -- little more... Little more -- too much. Take it back.
+Welcome back to "Before They Were Famous." We all know Rainier Wolfcastle as the star of the blockbuster "McBain" movies. But here's his first appearance -- in a commercial in his native Austria.
+Shary Bobbins! I want another beer!
+Well you know, Homer -- IF THERE'S A JOB THAT MUST BE DONE / YOU'LL FIND IT'S MUCH MORE FUN.
+You'll find it's even more fun if you get it for me.
+BUT THE BEER WILL TASTE MORE SWEET / IF YOU GET UP OFF YOUR SEAT --
+Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.
+Doh-re-mi-fa-so...
+Now let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show."
+Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
+I shot him.
+Well, that's... What?
+Now I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop. To fix Emmett.
+Bart Simpson, this room is a frightful mess.
+I'll get right on it.
+Bart, don't you remember? Cleaning up can be a game.
+I've got a better game. It's called "Whippin' Cupcakes."
+Special guest director: Quentin Tarantino.
+What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereals, man...
+Lisa, don't sit in front of that telly like a fly stuck on a toffee. It's a great big world out there.
+Been there. Done it.
+I know -- we could have a tea party on the ceiling!
+Shh. TV.
+Oh, you people will be the death of me.
+WASTED AWAY AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE...
+SEARCHING FOR MY LOST SHAKER OF SALT... OH, HERE IT IS.
+Oh, that poor woman.
+We've crushed her gentle spirit.
+You people should be ashamed of yourselves.
+Shary, you did the best you could. But you can't change this family. Neither can I. From now on I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the ride.
+But haven't I taught you people anything?
+So you like it this way?
+Indubitably!
+AROUND THE HOUSE, I NEVER LIFT A FINGER / AS A HUSBAND AND FATHER I'M SUB-PAR / I'D RATHER DRINK A BEER THAN WIN FATHER OF THE YEAR / I'M HAPPY WITH THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE.
+I'M GETTING USED TO NEVER GETTING NOTICED.
+I'M STUCK HERE TILL I CAN STEAL A CAR.
+THE HOUSE IS STILL A MESS AND I'M GOING BALD FROM STRESS --
+BUT WE'RE HAPPY JUST THE WAY WE ARE!
+THEY'RE NOT PERFECT, BUT THE LORD SAYS LOVE THY NEIGHBOR --
+SHUT UP, FLANDERS.
+OKELY-DOKELY-DO.
+DON'T THINK IT'S SOUR GRAPES BUT YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF APES / AND SO I MUST BE LEAVING YOU!
+Good-bye Shary Bobbins!
+Thanks for everything!
+So long, Superman!
+Do you think we'll ever see her again?
+I'm sure we will, honey.
+I'm sure we will.
+I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids! Now it's time for another fanshmabulous episode of Itchy and Scratchy!
+Kids? Kids?
+You're missing the Itchy and Scratchy Show! Don't you like it anymore?
+Sure, we love it! But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out?
+Yeah, Mom. I mean, we love you and Dad too, but God knows we don't need to see you every day.
+An occasional hug is all I ask.
+Mo-om, you can hug me when I'm asleep.
+Hey, Krusty, you look great! Ya get your teeth bleached?
+Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment-- Hey, shut up! You're here 'cause your Itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinkin' up my ratings. Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show.
+Kaboom!
+What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
+See, that's what I thought at first, but then-- Hey, shut up! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison.
+But Itchy and Scratchy is critically acclaimed-
+Acclaimed? I oughtta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon where the robots turn into, blingwads. But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger...So I'll give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back 'til you've fixed Itchy and Scratchy!
+Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
+Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock and Roll Museum-- I'll come back later.
+I need to purchase a brassiere. You kids wait over here in the credit department.
+Can't we just wander around and meet you back here later?
+Mmm... okay. Just be careful.
+Would you kids like to come with me?
+Ok. / Guess so. / Sounds good to me./ Let's go.
+Hi. Thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're going to show you some Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.
+Wow! / Alright! / Cool!
+We want you to tell us what you think -- and be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you.
+Why is that mirror sneezing?
+Uh, look, it's just an old, creaky mirror. Y'know, sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
+Now you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right.
+When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
+My knob tastes funny.
+Please refrain from tasting the knob.
+Hey, quit it!
+They like Itchy. They like Scratchy. One kid seems to love the speedo man. What more do they want?
+Okay. How many of you kids would like Itchy and Scratchy to deal with real-life problems, like the ones you face every day?
+Me! / I would! /
+And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?
+Me! / I would! /
+So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots.
+And also you should win things by watching.
+You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids -- 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
+Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy and Scratchy show -- it's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
+That's it. That's it, little girl!! You've saved Itchy and Scratchy!
+I feel we should rasta-fy him by ten percent or so.
+Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy and Scratchy.
+I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It is so simple, you egghead writers woulda never thought of it. What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to!
+Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
+Hey, this ain't art, it's business! What do you got in mind -- sexy broad? Gangster octopus?
+No, no. The animal chain of command goes mouse, cat... DOG. D-O-G.
+A dog? Isn't that a tad predictable?
+In your dreams. We're talking the original dog from hell.
+You mean Cerberus?
+We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy. He's in-your-face. You've heard the expression "Let's get busy?" Well this is a dog who gets biz-zay. Consistently and thoroughly.
+So he's proactive, huh?
+Oh God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
+Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm" -- aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?
+Oh, yes. The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog. I don't know, something along the lines of, say... Poochie. Only more proactive.
+So, Poochie okay with everybody?
+Yeah / Whatever / You know, it's good /
+No, no, no. He was supposed to have attitude.
+Um, wh-wh-what do you mean, exactly?
+Oh, you know, attitude, attitude! Sunglasses.
+Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context?
+Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer. Gimme a nice shmear of surfer.
+Mmm, I think he needs a little more attitude.
+I love it!
+Hey Lis, look! They're adding a new character to Itchy and Scratchy! "Poochie the Dog?"
+Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.
+Yo yo! How's it hangin', everybody?
+'Morning, Roy!
+Yeah, hi, Roy. Hey, they're having open casting for the voice of Poochie.
+You should try out, Dad. You have a funny voice.
+I do not!
+Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder?
+I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.
+Well, here. Say something.
+Hey, this is Homer Simpson sayin' "Howdy" to all the girls out there in radioland.
+Hey, this is Homer Simpson sayin'-- I don't sound like that, do I? Oh, I don't like having such a hilarious voice.
+That hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom.
+Whoa, a talking dog! What were you guys smoking when you came up with that?
+We were eating rotisserie chicken. Can you just read the line, please?
+"Ruff, Ruff! I'm Poochie the rockin' dog!"
+You're perfect! In fact, you're better than perfect! Next to you, perfection is crap.
+"Ruff Ruff! I'm Poochie the rockin' dog!" Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as "Christmas Ape" and "Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp."
+You're even better than this guy!
+Take a hike, you bum!
+Ruff Ruff! I'm Poochie the rockin' dog.
+Now that's just bad. You got no attitude, you're barely outrageous, and I don't know what you're in, but it's not my face. Next.
+Oh, "no attitude," eh? Not "in-your-face," huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, Ugly!
+That's it! That's the Poochie attitude!! Do that again!
+Huh? I can't. I don't remember what I did.
+Then you don't get the job. Next!
+Oh, I don't get the job, do I? Well, boo-hoo, I don't get to be a cartoon dog.
+That's it! You've got the job!
+Oh, now I got the job, huh? Oh. Thank you.
+Okay, Homer. Let's get a level check on your voice.
+She smells sheet smells by the sheet store. Wait, wait. Lemme try it again.
+Relax, Homer, you'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.
+You? But you're a lady.
+She's a lady, all right. A beauuutiful lady.
+Hey, it really is you! How'd you get to be so good?
+Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner -- "Meep!"
+You mean "meep meep"?
+No, they only paid me to say it once,
+then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.
+You folks ready to begin?
+Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?
+No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live -- it's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.
+Hi. Question for Miss Bellamy: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe that this is some sort of magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope someone got fired for that blunder.
+Uh... Er...
+What's that name again? I forgot.
+I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question: why would a man whose shirt says "Genius At Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
+I withdraw my question.
+Uh, excuse me, Mr. Simpson. On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-Rom, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?
+What the hell are you talking about?
+You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hardcore fans.
+Your attention please.
+In episode...
+Your attention, please! Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. One per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting. I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter.
+Pardon me, look out, pardon me, excuse me, hot soup. Hi. Kindly make one out to me and three out to my friend of the same name.
+I'm so glad you could join us for Homer's big premiere.
+Is this seat taken, little girl?
+I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
+I am stoked, Mr. "S."
+Shush everybody! It's coming on!
+Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. 1969: Man walks on the moon.
+1971: Man walks on the moon again.
+Then for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight. Behold the future of comedy: Poochie!
+They fight and bite
+And bark!
+They fight and bite and fight
+And bark!
+Fight bite bark!
+Woof woof woof!
+The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show!
+Look, Scratchy! It's our new friend, Poochie!
+The name's Poochie D. / And I rock the telly / I'm half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli / I'm the Kung-Fu hippie / From gangsta city / I'm a rappin' surfer / You the fool I pity.
+"Fool!" Poochie is one outrageous dude!
+He's totally in my face!
+Wiggity-wiggity word up! Rock on, party!
+When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?
+Can somebody tell me what the hell is goin' on? Midge, help me out here.
+Quiet! You're missing the jokes!
+Catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters! Not.
+Hey kids -- always recycle... TO THE EXTREME! Bust it!
+Eh, that stunk!
+Well? What did everybody think?
+Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.
+Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... you got a beautiful home here.
+So it was pretty okay, huh?
+Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
+Yes we can!
+Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I?
+I'm the worst Poochie ever.
+No, it's not your fault, dad. You did fine. It's just that Poochie was a soulless by-product of committee thinking. You can't be cool just by spouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.
+Don't have a cow, Lis.
+Bart's right -- let's none of us have a cow. All that matters is that the fans of the show liked it.
+Last night's Itchy and Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
+Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
+As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
+What? They've given you thousands of
+hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
+Worst episode ever.
+It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable Itchy and Scratchy program. For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman, have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade. Yesterday, our prayers were finally answered when Poochie the Dog made his howlingly unfunny debut. Far be it from me to gloat at another's downfall, but I have a feeling no children are going to be crying when this puppy is put to sleep.
+What the hell happened?!
+Well, I'd attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our key demographic, coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie.
+Whoa, you gotta stop this thing! Please, I'm gettin' egged on the street! Do something! DO SOMETHING!!
+Uh, hi, Mr. Myers. I've been doing some thinking and I've got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here Uh, one: Poochie needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine. Two: Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Poochie?" Three--
+Great, great. Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.
+Listen guys, we gotta do something about Poochie.
+There's only one thing we can do.
+Then they said they were gonna kill Poochie off!
+Really?! Oh, how terrible!
+Yes. Terrible.
+It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder than a, um... yak in heat!
+I have to go now. My planet needs me.
+You're right, Marge! It's not my fault! I'm not gonna let 'em treat Poochie like dirt anymore just 'cause he's the new guy!
+Right on, Mr. S.!
+Put a sock in it, Roy.
+Okay, so here's where Itchy lunges at Poochie with a rusty chain saw... Cue sound effects!
+Rustier!
+Are you prepared to die, Poochie?
+No I am not.
+Oh, cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Just stick to the script as written, Homer. You're supposed to say "Please, cut off my head, I don't deserve to live."
+You can't just kill off a classic TV character. Poochie could be bigger than curly fries, but first he has to win back the audience. That's why I'm gonna read these lines I wrote myself with my own two hands.
+Forget it, Homer! We can do the show without you if we have to.
+But not without me!
+Aw, geez...
+Let him try the new lines.
+All right, all right. We'll try it. Action.
+Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
+Yes. I certainly do. Hello there, Itchy. I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away, but I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog nobody wanted, I know we can make 'em laugh -- and cry -- until we grow old together.
+And... cut!
+Now, kids -- I know you loved the old Poochie...but the new one's going to be better than ten Superbowls. I don't want to oversell it. Judge for yourselves.
+Well, look who's here!
+Hi, Poochie! You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
+Yes. I certainly do.
+Wow -- Poochie came from another planet?
+I guess...
+Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me!
+Poochie's dead!
+Now, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return.
+This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.
+Tough break, dad. I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie. Maybe in a few years.
+Good news, everybody! I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.
+Oh, then I guess this is goodbye, Roy. Maybe we'll see you in a few years...
+Well, I guess I learned my lesson. The thing is, I lost creative control of the project. And I forgot to ask for any money. Well, live and learn.
+It's back to the basics. Classic Itchy and Scratchy!
+We should thank our lucky stars they're still putting out a program of this caliber after so many years.
+What else is on?
+All right, everybody got their ticket? Then get ready for today's Super-Barto jackpot drawing!
+Come on, cantaloupe!
+Aannd 'round and 'round she -- uh-oh.
+No refunds! Force majeure! Read the back of your ticket!
+Nine hundred dollars? Well, we'll have to dip into the retirement fund again.
+Aw, nuts. Hel-lo? China? Little help?
+Well, I never thought it would come to this, but I guess we'll have to sell Grandma's Civil War doll.
+Aw, Mom, are you sure you want to sell a family heirloom to pay the gas bill? I mean, what would your Grandma say?
+I'm sure she'd be proud that her descendants had piping hot tap water and plenty of warm, dry underwear.
+That is so true.
+Hmmm. These campaign buttons are all partisan. Don't you have any neutral ones? "May The Better Man Win?"... "Let's Have a Good, Clean Election?" That sort of thing?
+Uh, no, but we do have some old shirt buttons. They're kind of kooky and fun.
+Missy, you just talked yourself right out of a sale.
+Hey, Lis, check it out! Pogo Stilts! These were banned in all 50 states!
+What happened?
+Wow! An actual robot from the movie "Clank! Clank! You're Dead!"
+Ech! Think of how awful it would be for the poor midget inside...
+Aw, boo hoo. That's what they get paid for.
+Oh, Homer, look! Look! A TV Guide owned by Jackie O.!
+Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle! She thought that "Mindy" lived with "Mark!"
+Give her a break! Her husband was killed!
+Oh, I know! Wasn't that awful? Hi, I'm John. Can I help you with anything?
+Yes, I have something that I'd like to sell.
+Please tell me it's your hair.
+Nooo. It's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me -- a very rare old figurine from the Civil War.
+Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
+Hmm. Well, see... he--here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970's. One of the J&R Whiskey "Liquor Lads." Two books of Green Stamps, if I'm not mistaken.
+Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. No. It's a very, very old figurine.
+No, it's-- it's a liquor bottle. See?
+Ahhh. That'll make your Bull Run.
+Well, I guess it'll always be a monument to Grandma's secret drinking problem...
+We work hard, we play hard!
+Okay, so maybe that thing's a hunk of junk, but look at what you're selling!
+Fifty bucks for a toy? No kid is worth that.
+Oh, but this is the Rex Mars Atomic Discombobulator! Don't you just love the graphics on this box?
+No. How can you love a box, or a toy, or graphics? You're a grown man.
+It's camp! The tragically ludicrous? The ludicrously tragic?
+Oh, yeah. Like when a clown dies.
+Well, sort of... But I mean more like inflatable furniture or "Last Supper" TV trays or even this bowling shirt. Can you believe someone gave this to Goodwill?
+And that kind of stuff is worth money?
+Boy howdy!
+Man, you should come over to our place. It's full of valuable, worthless crap!
+Well, if you're inviting me over --
+I practically insist. Shall we say, 5 o'clock? The snacking hour?
+My heart is palpitating.
+...pimento nose... and voila! Mommy's patented Happy-Cracker Snack Platter!
+Ding Dong! Classic! I mean -- that says it all, doesn't it?
+Oh, man, you weren't kiddin' about this place! Well, I just love it!
+Do I know you?
+Oh! The color scheme. And the rabbit ears. And the two point three children... I mean, where's the Hi-C?
+Hi-C! And Fluffernutters!
+Oh, and pearls on a little girl? It's a fairy tale!
+Oh, I've got the exact same curtains, only in my bathroom. Didn't you just die when you found these?
+Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen -- corn.
+Ow! Why you little...
+Dad! Dad! Company! Company!
+Oh. I'll just be another minute, John. Have a seat.
+So, do those records have "camp value?"
+Everything here does. You yourself are worth a bundle, Homer. Why, I could wrap a bow around you and slap on a price tag!
+C'mon, Homer! Join the party!
+Mom, John likes "Itchy and Scratchy" as much as we do -- maybe more!
+Yeah, and he collects toy robots!
+He is quite a charmer. Your father's certainly taken a shine to him...
+Oof! Homer, you are the living end!
+That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
+Mmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
+Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there...
+Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
+Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam.
+He prefers the company of men!
+Who doesn't?
+Homer, listen carefully: John is a ho-mo--
+Right...
+... sexual.
+OhmyGod! OhmyGod! OhmyGod! OhmyGod! I danced with a Gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. Promise me!
+You're being ridiculous.
+Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values! Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house!
+I'm very sorry you feel that way. Because John invited us all out for a drive today, and we're going.
+Whoa, not me. And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's that way.
+What on earth are you talking about?
+You know me, Marge: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fla-ming.
+Zzzzapp!
+Homer, at least come out and say hello.
+No! No, no, no, no...
+Come on. You liked John this morning.
+No, no! I'm not setting foot outside this house until that man is gone!
+Oh, Dad, you are the living end.
+Hey, where'd that cool creepy Santa come from?
+Japan. Except over there, they call him "Annual Gift-Man," and he lives on the moon!
+They DRIVE off. Homer, in the window, gawks at the scene.
+...And that's where Kent Brockman was caught cheating in the Springfield Marathon...
+...And there's where Lupe Velez bought the toilet she drowned in...
+That was a killer tour, man.
+I never realized how many celebrities humiliated themselves right in our own backyard!
+This is a sordid little burg, isn't it? Makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way.
+Uh... Waylon! I'd like you to meet the Simpsons.
+I know the Simpsons. So this is your "sick mother?"
+Don't do this to me, Waylon!
+How'd it go? Tell me everything that happened! He didn't give you Gay, did he? Did he?
+Oh, geez Louise, you don't even know what you're worried about anymore. John's a witty, urbane person.
+Oh, and I'm not.
+Hey, Dad, look what I got! Zzzapp!! Zzzapp! Zzzapp! Zzzapp!
+Bart! Where'd you get that shirt?
+I'unno. Came outta the closet.
+Uhh... huh.
+I hope you all saved room, because I made your favorite dessert: store-bought snack cakes! Both kinds!
+Homie, I can hear you chewing on your pillow. What's wrong?
+Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
+There's only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts -- gay guys, and big fat party-animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big fat party-animal to me.
+So if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn't be gay?
+Right. Thank you. I hope you realize this is all your fault. I mean, do you have to be so effeminate around the boy?
+Homer, I don't think there's a problem with Bart. But if there is, it's probably because you're not spending any time with him. Goodnight.
+All right, boy! Come on! Today we're gonna--
+Gonna what, Homer?
+... And Helen Lovejoy -- sure she looks blonde, but I've heard cuffs and collar don't match, if you get my drift...
+I don't, but I loved hearing it!
+You! I should have known!
+Well, good morning, Sunshine.
+Homer, John brought us cactus candy!
+Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. Just stay the hell away from my family!
+Well, now you don't get any candy. No, that's cruel. Take a teensy piece.
+Homer, what have you got against gays?
+You know. It's... it's not... usual! If there was a law, it would be against it!
+Oh, Homer, please. You're embarrassing yourself.
+No I'm not, Marge! They're embarrassing me! They're embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke! They ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and Julian! Those were the toughest names we had, now they're just...
+Yeah! And that's another thing! I resent "you people" using that word. That's our word for making fun of you. We need it! Well, I'm taking back our word and I'm taking back my son!
+Homer storms out.
+Don't worry, boy. We're gonna set you straight. By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Burt Reynolds.
+What are you talking about, Homer? Where are we going?
+Just a couple of good ol'-fashion manly places. Father and son.
+Just remember, son, whatever happens --I'll always love you.
+... as a father! A father!! A regular father!! Whooh!
+What am I supposed to do here?
+Nothing. Just sit. I'll be back.
+Well it's been two hours. How do you feel?
+I'unno. I kinda want a cigarette.
+That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand?
+Anything slim!
+Okay, that didn't work. But I know something that will...
+Bart, I want you to shake hands with -- what's your name, fella?
+Roscoe.
+Roscoe here runs this mill. He's gonna show us around and let you get a first-hand look at real All-American Joes doin' what they do best.
+Why the hell would I want to see that?
+You'll thank me on your wedding night.
+Hey, listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons!
+Hel-lo!!
+Has the whole world gone insane?
+Stand still, there's a spark in your hair!
+Get it, get it, get it...!
+Hot stuff, comin' through!
+Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?
+I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
+Oh, be nice.
+Ohh, my son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay!
+Oh, my God, what's happening now?
+...and the entire steel mill was gay!
+Where ya been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay.
+Yeah, aerospace, too. And the railroads. And ya know what else? Broadway!
+I always hoped Bart'd grow up to be just like us. What happened?
+Oh, it ain't no mystery -- whole modern world got a swishifyin' effect on kids today. And their MTV's and their diet sodas ain't gonna set 'em straight neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer. And you gotta do it fast.
+But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me!
+Well, lessee now... uh, time was, you'd send a boy off to war. Shootin' a man'd fix him right up. But there's not even any wars no more thank you very much Warren Christopher!
+Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer. That's like shooting a beautiful man!
+Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer, all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back. Then you just sit back and watch the grandkids roll in!
+Hunting, eh?
+Stand aside, Marge. I'm taking the boy deer hunting. He's going to grow up straight for once.
+What? You never went hunting before, and you're perfectly straight!
+Oh yeah?! How long since you've had a baby?
+But, Dad, it's barbaric! How does killing a deer make you more of a man?
+It just does! Name me one gay Indian!
+Uh-oh, something's gonna die!
+Butt out, butt-insky! What would you know about hunting?
+I know this much: I wouldn't wear that hideous hat. Here, take this one -- it was worn by Yale Summers in "Daktari."
+Hang onto it, Toy-Boy! You might need it when it starts raining naked ladies!
+Today you're gonna be a man, Bart!
+You guys gonna teach me to drive?
+Yes. I'm a good, good man.
+Oh, yeah, let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right.
+No, boy. You can't drive, you're only 10. You're going hunting!
+Y'ever been huntin' before there, Barty?
+Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods... seems kinda gay.
+That is a very immature attitude, young man.
+Remember, guys, the truck only holds six carcasses, so don't shoot nothin' but trophy bucks, huh?
+Aw, we shoulda just stayed at the bar and shot some rats.
+Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn. Well, Homer, you ready to call it quits?
+Well... but... Wait a minute. Bart's not fixed yet! He hasn't even --
+Homer...
+C'mon, don't take it so hard, Homer. You still got that other kid... uh, Lisa. Let's take her out huntin' tomorrow, make her into a man.
+Oh, she'd never go. She's a vegetarian.
+...Aw, geez, Homer! Geez! You and Marge ain't cousins, are ya?
+No... This whole thing is my fault. I've been a lousy dad.
+Cheer up, Homer. Christmas is comin' early this year!
+Did he say where they were going?
+No. They were just going to find a deer and make Bart shoot it.
+Deer? Not around here. They all migrated north when the state park converted to AstroTurf.
+But if there're no deer out there, then what are they hunting?
+Well, the only thing around here that's even close to deer is....
+Hey, boy, wake up! Your old man found some deer!
+Huh? You did? Wait, man, those are reindeer.
+Yep, and it's your shot, son.
+Where are the dice?
+What? I'm not gonna shoot a reindeer in a pen.
+C'mon, Bart. Be a sport and kill Blitzen, okay?
+Da-ad --
+Aw, criminy! Here come the waterworks.
+Bart, I'm gonna turn my back -- and when I turn around, I wanna see a whole pile of dead reindeer.
+Attaway, son! You made your old man proud!
+I didn't do anything.
+They're goin' nuts! Like in those nature films!
+Yeah, it must be matin' season!
+Dad, I'm scared.
+Me too, son.
+No, don't! You have to protect yourself!
+Son, there comes a time in every father's life when he must -- GAAHHH!!
+UNNGHH!!
+Dad, are you hurt?
+Just... my bones... and organs...
+Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho.
+What the -- ?
+Bart, look! It's Santa Claus!
+Whoa, it's Santa, all right! And he is kickin' ass!
+It's a miracle!
+No, Ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.
+Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're safe! Hmmm, you feel softer than before.
+I've been tenderized.
+How'd you know that thing would work?
+Well, the sound is just brutal. And I figured reindeer would naturally be afraid of their cruel master, Santa Claus. I mean, wouldn't you be?
+Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man, sir?
+I'll do anything you say! Anything!
+Aw, Moe, we were saved by a sissy.
+Yeah, yeah, we'll never live it down. Oh, boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
+Stop, you idiots!
+Hey, we owe this guy. And I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a fruit! And a -- No, wait, wait, wait -- "queer!" Queer, queer. That's what you like to be called, right?
+Well, that, or John.
+This is about as tolerant as Dad gets, so you should be flattered.
+Great! Well, Homer, I won your respect, and all I had to do was save your life. Now if every gay man could just do the same, you'd be set.
+Amen to that.
+Y'know, Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but any way you choose to live your life is okay with me.
+He thinks you're gay.
+He thinks I'm gay?
+Live! From Springfield Penitentiary's fabulous Big Open Area in Cell Block "D"! It's the Krusty the Clown Prison Special!
+I SLUGGED SOME JERK IN TAHOE / THEY GAVE ME ONE TO THREE / MY HIGH-PRICED LAWYER SPRUNG ME ON A TECH-NI-CAL-I-TY / I'M JUST VISITING SPRINGFIELD PRISON / I GET TO SLEEP AT HOME TONIGHT --
+Hey, hey, I kid! I kid 'cause I love. I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk.
+Man, those cons love Krusty. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
+And vice versa.
+Just remember, Bart, convicts aren't "cool." They're bad people.
+Yeah, maybe so. But they get the job done.
+Hey, now I know where my tax dollars are goin', huh?
+Hey hey, it's my old TV sidekick, Sideshow Bob! Why, I haven't seen you in years. Whattya been doing with yourself, Bob?
+Can't you find it in your hearts just to let me live and work in peace?
+Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier... Let's see, I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you...
+And, whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson...
+He said "tried"!
+Someone should really go up there and talk to him.
+Ho-mer.
+Oh, all those stairs...
+Oh, you have nothing to worry about, honey.
+Your mother's right, Bart. Sure, you're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes --
+We're very proud of you, by the way.
+And sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could --
+But he's safely locked away!
+In a medium-security prison.
+For life!
+Unless he gets out somehow.
+Which is impossible!
+Or so you'd think, except he's done it so many times before.
+Thanks for trying, guys, but Sideshow Bob wants me dead, and Sideshow Bob is an unstoppable killing machine.
+I once was lost but now am found...
+...Was blind but now I see!
+Well, that was lovely, Robert. You other cons could benefit from his shining example.
+Really, Reverend, your praise is going to get me beaten up.
+Oh, I'm sorry, Bob. But your transformation is truly inspiring.
+You know, it's hard to believe this model prisoner could be the same monstrous fiend who once ran for Mayor. It's a pleasure to have recommended you for the work release program.
+Me? I'm touched, I really am. But you'll never find anyone willing to hire a five-time loser like me.
+I already have.
+Is it really you?
+Hello, brother. I'm happy to see you.
+But it's been ten years! We haven't spoken since the... unpleasantness.
+You mean Arthur Fiedler's wake?
+No, no, no. I mean our falling out.
+Oh, that. That's ancient history. Let's make a fresh start. Come work for me.
+But this is wonderful!... You do know I used to have a... problem with trying to kill people?
+Goodness, I had no idea. For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade. In a cave. With my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
+Touché, Cecil.
+I'm aware of your felonious past, but you are still my brother. And blood is thicker than bread and water.
+You don't have to worry about me, brother. I'm all murdered out.
+Praise the Lord.
+How can you even think of releasing Sideshow Bob?
+He's just faking it to get out of jail! He's a maniac!
+Bob is no maniac. He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all, and I assure you they were perfectly sane.
+My friends, please! I make no secret of my past, but isn't our system of justice based on the idea that a man can change?
+Uh, have the boys check into that.
+I know I don't deserve another chance. But this is America, and as an American, aren't I entitled to one?
+Probably!
+Don't you see what you've done? Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed! He's pure evil! Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking...
+I hope they still make that shampoo I like.
+Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Château Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan-Ségla.
+I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.
+That would be the Latour then.
+And God bless Mom and Dad and Lisa and Maggie, and please, God, kill Sideshow Bob --
+Bart, no!
+It's him or me, O Lord!
+You can't ask God to kill someone!
+Yeah! You do your own dirty work!
+Well, I suppose I should ask you what you do if I'm to be working with you.
+For me, Bob. For me. I am Springfield's Chief Hydrological and Hydrodynamical Engineer.
+Hydrological and hydrodynamical? Talk about running the gamut.
+Snigger all you like, Bob--
+Thank you. I believe I shall.
+...but you'll find one gets more respect as a humble civil servant than as a homicidal maniac. Or a clown's sidekick.
+Aha! I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you!
+I can't imagine what you mean.
+Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at Clown Kollege?
+I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
+The point is, you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition.
+Who is that? Why, it's Bart Simpson. Hellllooo, Bart!
+Help me!
+Thanks for driving me, Big Brother. These giant clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but they do make it difficult to shift gears.
+That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it?
+Number 73 -- you're next. Make with the laugh-laugh!
+Hey, children, meet me -- Sideshow Cecil.
+Uh, I have prepared a pie-in-the-face take?
+All right. Knock yourself out, kid. Hal?
+Free comedy tip, Slick: the pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity. Like that guy! Hey, Hal, pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there!
+Oh, dear.
+That guy's a genius! He's going to change the way we think about getting hit by pies! Chumley, you're hired!
+When that pie hit your face, I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust. But I suppose I should thank you. After all, it led me to my true calling.
+Cecil, no civilization in history has ever considered "Chief Hydrological Engineer" a calling.
+Yes, yes, the Cappadocians, fine.
+There it is -- the future site of the Springfield Hydroelectric Dam.
+Just the thought of all that raw surging power makes me wonder why the hell I should care.
+Because you'll be supervising the construction crew.
+Oh great. Whenever a woman passes by, I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. "Oh, yeah. Shake it, madam. Capital knockers."
+Come on, Bob. This is your chance to show the people of Springfield you can hold down an honest job.
+He's planning something evil, I know it. It must have something to do with the town's water supply.
+Maybe he's gonna pee in the river.
+Um... Nah, that's not his style.
+He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times.
+I really must thank you for this moment of tranquillity, Edna. You know, I haven't been on a date in six years.
+Oh, the pleasure's mine, Bob. It's so exciting to be dating a killer.
+To be fair, I never successfully killed anyone.
+Oh? I see...
+I did once try to kill the world's greatest lover, but then I realized there are laws against suicide.
+Oh, you!
+Mrs. Krabappel, nooo! That's Sideshow Bob!
+Well, that's the last time I announce my dinner plans in class.
+That was Edna Krabappel. You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel. I hope you're happy.
+I won't be happy until I find out what you're up to. Wherever you go and whatever you do, I'll be there watching and waiting.
+He says that, but I bet he gives up pretty quickly.
+Hello, brother. All's well, I trust?
+It most certainly is not. The workmen you've given me don't know their asses from the hole in the ground they accidentally blew yesterday.
+Come now, you speak as if they were a gaggle of slack-jawed yokels.
+Mr. Terwillidjer, come quick! There's trouble down to the ce-ment mixers, Sir.
+See, Cousin Merl and me was playin' fetch with Geech, that's our ol' smellhound, and...
+Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwillidjer.
+Oh, Cousin Merl, really!
+Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately.
+Well, obviously.
+I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this! Rustic workmen who've turned the SaniJohn into a smokehouse...
+Coveralls that don't quite cover all...
+And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me. This little boy right here!
+Sometimes I wish this dam would burst and bury this cursed town.
+Hey, you said we were going to Dairy Queen.
+I lied. Now help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues. Then I promise we'll go to the water slide.
+You again! Well, that's it. I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago.
+Madam, your children are no more!... than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers.
+Lisa too?
+Especially Lisa. But especially Bart. If he crosses me one more time, just once more... well, I can't be held responsible for my actions.
+Well, I hope Bob fed you, 'cause I ate your dinners.
+I know it's hard to accept, Bart, but face it: Sideshow Bob has changed.
+No, he hasn't. He's more the same than ever. And I know where the evidence is. There's only one place it could possibly be.
+Bob's trailer at the construction site?
+That's even better. Let's go there.
+What were you thinking?
+The Haunted Mine.
+Blueprints... concrete invoices... construction schedule...
+If I didn't know better, I'd swear Bob was building a dam.
+Oh, yeah? Then explain this!
+Bart, there must be millions of dollars there!
+What is Sideshow Bob doing with --
+Who left the lights on?!! Who's in here? Cletus? Cousin Merl? Big Hungry Joe?
+I hink he nay have spotted us.
+You two!
+Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there!
+Will you children stop tormenting me? I've done nothing wrong.
+Give it up, Bob. We found the money.
+Where did that come from? I've never seen that money before in my life.
+Then you must have had your eyes closed when you embezzled it.
+I told you, I'm not a criminal anymore. You want to know what I've been up to? Here's a clue for you, Jack: One hundred thousand tons of reinforced concrete.
+My God, it's completely hollow! What happened to all the concrete?
+You cut back on building materials and kept all the money for yourself! That's what happened.
+Get 'im, Lis!
+But I wasn't in charge of the money. Cecil was. Now let's stop bickering and get out of here. This dam could collapse at any minute.
+One minute past sunrise, to be precise.
+Once I blow up the dam, there'll be no evidence of missing concrete, and I walk away with fifteen million.
+But everyone will know you did this!
+Perhaps. Or perhaps they'll blame the master criminal. You know, the one who's been working at the dam and has a grudge against Springfield.
+Now I know Cousin Merl has had his troubles with the Revenuers, but he's hardly a master crim -- oh, you're referring to me.
+Yes, I'm framing you and I'm doing a really excellent job, too.
+Wait a minute. This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it?
+Off the record -- yes. But officially, I did it for the money. Speaking of which... hand it over.
+I forgot to mention -- I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.
+It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless.
+Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when Cecil tries to kill you, it's "Hopeless, utterly utterly hopeless." Well, if you kids aren't going to foil him, I'll have to do it myself.
+Come on, quickly now!
+Bart, for once I'm not trying to kill you. I know it's an awkward situation, and I don't like it any more than you do. But you've got to trust me.
+Ah, what the hell.
+Let's go again! Let's go again!
+Come on, children! Let's go thwart my brother!
+I'M ON THE / TOP OF THE WORLD, LOOKING / DOWN ON CREATION, AND THE / ONLY EXPLANATION I CAN FIND... BOO-BOO-BOO...
+Um, do you know what you're doing?
+Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about dynamite.
+Plunger? Check. Hardhat? Check. Fifteen million dollars and a gun? Check-mate. Goodbye, Bob.
+Guess who!
+Maris?!
+Bob, look!
+At last, I'm going to do what Bob never could -- kill Bart Simpson!
+By throwing me off a dam? Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you?
+Ooh, I suppose it is.
+Heh. If anyone asks, I'll lie.
+And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately you'll be nowhere near them.
+I guess this is it. Thanks anyway.
+You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town. Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble?
+Do we have to?
+You -- you saved my life, Bart.
+Yeah... I guess this means you can't ever try to kill me again, huh?
+Oh, I don't know about that. Joking! Joking!
+You've brought shame to this family, Cecil. Oh, I don't relish having to write the Christmas letter this year.
+Nor I to read it. You know, Bob, all this time I thought you were a bungler, but destroying a city is far tougher than I thought.
+Here's your man, Chief.
+Cecil? I think not. This looks like the work of crazy old Sideshow Bob.
+No, Chief, Bob's innocent! It's the truth!
+The truth, huh? That sounds like the testimony of crazy old Lisa Simpson.
+Uh, Cecil just voluntarily confessed, Chief.
+That's some good work, Lou. You'll make sergeant for this.
+Uh, I already am a sergeant, Chief.
+Perhaps you are. But I say Bob goes back to jail.
+But surely -- I mean, I caught Cecil...
+Maybe so. But Lou here says you were resisting arrest.
+No I didn't, Chief.
+Quiet, Lou. Or I will bust you down to sergeant so fast it'll make your head spin.
+Heh, funny, isn't it, Lis? Those people down there have no idea how close they came to complete destruction.
+Marge, I'm going to look for the kids!
+I think I wet my bed.
+But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives! I'm a hero!
+Tell them they'll live to regret this.
+You'll live to regret this! Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.
+There they go. Two criminal geniuses, locked away together.... Who knows what diabolical scheme they might concoct?
+But I'm older! I get the top bunk!
+Oh, poppycock! I called it at the arraignment!
+So... when do they bring us the menus?
+Tonight on Eye On Springfield: Opening day at the world's first two-story outhouse...
+Oh, God!! Stop!!
+...a comedy nurse who's laughing all the way to the blood bank!
+Okay, how many of you are here for shoulder surgery?
+Gotcha!
+But first, move over Baltimore, Springfield has stolen your idea!
+I'm walking on the waterfront -- once the center of a thriving squid-gutting industry, now abandoned by all but a few longshoremen and allied trades-people.
+But the decades of rot will end with the opening of the South Street Squidport, an upscale shopping promenade with authentic maritime theming!
+And to kick it all off in style, area merchants will host a black-tie gala Saturday night.
+Oh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
+You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
+You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.
+The important thing is I didn't imagine it.
+I can't get enough of "The Babysitter Twins"! They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the President and made four dollars!
+I love everything about the world of babysitting: the responsibility, the obligation, the pressure...
+And full refrigerator privileges!
+That's a trust, Janey. A sacred trust.
+Geez, lighten up, Lisa.
+That concludes our service. All right. I have two announcements. Friday you will have the chance to "party down" in the church basement to the Jesus-rock stylings of "Testament". That's Friday, six p.m. sharp.
+All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.
+Also, anyone in need of a reliable and affordable babysitter should call Lisa Simpson.
+Mention the topic of today's sermon to get a dollar off.
+The topic was love.
+Why hasn't anyone called?
+Maybe people don't want an eight-year-old babysitter, honey. Parents need to be sure their sitter can handle anything that might happen. That's why they hire teenagers.
+But... but I'm very mature for my age. People often mistake me for nine.
+Homer, I've got a fozzie of a bear of a problem. Y'know, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong God, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort.
+Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
+Well, any hoodily-doodle, the embassy says it's just a routine hostage-taking -- but I have to drive to Capital City, fill out some forms to get 'em out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
+Uh, gee, I'd really love to want to help you, Flanders, but uh, Marge was taken prisoner in the... Holy Land and uh...
+I'll do it! I'll babysit!
+Well, I don't know, Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately.
+But I'm smart and responsible, and my parents will be right next door!
+Well, what do you say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit for my kids?
+Please, please, please!
+I'll have to ask her.
+Daddy says dice are wicked.
+We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way!
+Moth! Moth! Moth!
+Don't worry. A moth is no more harmful than a ladybug.
+A ladybug?!
+Oh, they're going to get eaten alive in middle school.
+And thank you for sending Lisa to protect us from the bug you sent.
+And please make Lisa tell us a bedtime story... about robots... named Rod and Todd. Amen.
+Once there was a robot named Todd...
+Did he have a brother?
+Yes, he had a brother robot named Rod, who was two space-years older than him.
+I don't like this story.
+Oh, imagine that -- sleeping quietly after a bug attack! Oh, and Todd's as dry as a bone! Lisa, you're a wonder! I'm going to recommend you to everybody!
+So long, Lisa. If anything goes wrong, just dial 9-1-1. Unless it's an emergency.
+Okay, Chief. Enjoy Bob Saget!
+Heh. It's Bob Seger!
+Aw, crap...
+Now put your left leg into the left side of the pants -- and you're done.
+I dressed myself!
+Hey, Dad, how come you're wearing a tuxedo?
+Going to that fancy waterfront party tomorrow.
+Why you wearing it now?
+Oh, it's like a rent-a-car, son. You get all the mileage you can. Then ball it up and cram it through the mail slot.
+Thanks for the ride!
+Well, you did a first-rate job of babysitting. I've never seen such a responsible young lady.
+Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. Your trust means so much to me.
+I only wish my Volvo mechanic were as reliable.
+Good night, Lisa...
+You made all that money for sitting around and watching TV and eating food?
+There's a lot more to it than that, Bart. I don't just babysit; I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour -- two dollars after nine o'clock.
+Man, if I was making that kind of money, I'd be out of here so fast...
+You look so glamorous, Mom! Oh, and you smell like vanilla flowers!
+And Dad, you look totally classy. You could be Abe Lincoln's father's boss!
+Can you see the pie stains?
+It'll be dark.
+So when's Grampa getting here to babysit?
+Uh, Grampa's not coming...
+Not Patty and Selma!
+Actually, Bart, Lisa is going to be in charge tonight.
+I know she's young, but Lisa has proven herself mature and dependable.
+Dad, help me out!
+Take it like a man, boy. And do everything your little sister says.
+This is an outrage! I am two years and thirty-eight days older than she is! This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world!
+Well, we have to run. I'm sure you kids will work things out. Good night!
+Make sure he brushes his teeth, Lisa.
+Bart, I know you're not wild about having me for a babysitter, but I'm not some ogre. I think you will find me fair and fun.
+You're dead.
+You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubble -- it'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath!
+You are so dead.
+Aw, I love this pedestrian mall! There's practically no traffic!
+Uh, I don't think we should be driving here. The mayor's yelling at us.
+All right, all right, geez. Okay, honey, remember where we're parked.
+May I have some more lima beans?
+Certainly.
+More than that.
+Certainly.
+Uh, maybe you should eat the ones you have.
+I didn't say I was gonna eat them. I just wanted to look at them, because they're so gross. What's for dessert?
+Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter, maybe you should stop being such a baby.
+Oh, I'm a baby, huh? Well, then I'll act like a baby.
+Ga-ga-goo-goo.
+Even babies know how to open and close their mouths. You need a bib.
+Oh, baby hate bib. Waah! Waah!
+Waah! Waah!
+Oh, look, Bart, now you got Maggie all upset!
+Relax. I'll give her some ice cream.
+Bart, that's coffee ice cream! It has caffeine in it!
+Well, I guess that'll make things more interesting for you now, won't it?
+Oh, it's so beautiful! This is what I imagine Paris must be like!
+You've never been?
+I'm so honored that Springfield has been chosen to host all these upscale chain stores. I guess this makes us "yuppies," huh, Homie?
+Nah, I'm really more of a slacker.
+Oooh, Malaria Zone! That's where all the explorers shop.
+Look, Marge! A restaurant owned by celebrities! I always wanted to be a celebrity!
+Ha, ha, yes, it's true. The entire menu was personally approved by my secretary.
+Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building.
+Wow, even Moe's moved to fancy new digs.
+Hey, this isn't faux dive. This is a dive.
+You're a long way from home, Yuppie boy. I'll start a tab.
+Mag-gie, if you come down, I'll give you some more cof-fee.
+Lots more coffee. Are you getting ready for bed, Bart?
+That's right, I want the 25-foot Italian party sub. And don't skimp on the vinegar. It's time Lisa learned what babysitting Bart Simpson is all about...
+Um, yes, I'd like to host an A.A. meeting. Tonight, if possible.
+Come on, Maggie... Good Maggie... The talcum powder's not to play with...
+Okay, Bart, now it's really time for you to go to bed!
+Why do you have to make this so hard?
+I'm using non-violent resistance.
+Uch! The idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...
+I'll answer it. You go to bed!
+Good evening there, miss. Here's yer giant sub, swimmin' in vinegar just the way you like it. It's gonna be $225, plus tip.
+What? I didn't order any giant sub!
+Hey hey! Are you ready to get rowdy?!
+Excuse me?
+Somebody hired me for an emergency bachelor party.
+Well, there's been a mistake.
+Well, I'm not leaving 'til I get paid! I get five hundred just for "Hey hey!"
+Who called for an emergency sisterectomy?
+We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a U.F.O...
+I didn't see any U.F.O.!
+That's right, miss. You didn't.
+I'm here to pick up the ambassador from Ghana.
+Well, he's not here! Nobody's here! And none of you should be here! You've all been tricked!
+Why would the ambassador do such a thing?
+Bart, you are going to be in so much trouble when Mom and Dad get home. Now go to bed!
+You're the boss.
+I thought I told you to go to bed!
+Yeah, right, "bread." You said go to "bread"...
+I said go to "bed."
+Yeah, "go to bread."
+B-E-D -- BED!
+Ohhhhh, bed! Oh. Well, anything you say, sis.
+You didn't say which bed!
+GO TO YOUR BED!
+Make me!
+I'll make you!
+If you want me, you gotta catch me!
+Almost!
+Oooh -- Oh -- so close!
+Ba-art!
+Oh my God!
+Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich-- Uh, I'll come back.
+Bart, are you okay?!
+Uh, yeah, I think so... It's just a bump on my head...
+Ew, your arm! It's got extra corners!
+Yah! Oh, cool, it must be dislocated or something...
+We have to get you to the emergency room!
+And get this fixed? What's the rush? Don't you want everyone to see what a responsible babysitter you were?
+Stop it! Stand still! Maybe I can pop it back in.
+Oh, no! I'm going to preserve the evidence until Mom and Dad get home...
+And you'll never baby-sit again!
+You know, honey, when I think of all the good times we've had together-- AAAGH!
+Did you see that, Marge?
+Oh my God, you walked into the fountain! Get out of the fountain!
+Just stand still and I'll get someone!
+Don't laugh at me! I was once like you!
+Bart! You need first aid! Let me in!
+I'm afraid you'll hurt me again!
+Bart, if you come out, I'll let you eat raw cookie dough. I'll let you... ride the lawn mower through the house. Come on, open the door!
+What are you doing now?!
+I'm banging my head! I'm going to make the lump even bigger!
+No! As your babysitter, I order you to stop hitting your head on the wall!
+Bart? Did you stop because I said to? If so, thank you.
+Hello, this is Lisa Simpson, and...
+Simpson?! Look, we've already been out there tonight for a sisterectomy, a case of severe butt-rot, and a leprechaun bite. How dumb do you think we are?
+Wait! Dr. Hibbert!
+Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin... My diagnosis: bad babysitting.
+Uh, near as we can tell, the boy was studying quietly when the girl, drunk on her own sense of power, beat him silly with a block of frozen lima beans.
+It's true!
+Young lady, you will never babysit again! I am so disappointed -ointed... - ointed... -ointed...
+Well, I guess I don't have a choice...
+"Complete confidentiality?" Oh. And I'm sure he's as good as Dr. Hibbert. It says so right in his ad.
+What's the matter, Marge? I thought you loved Jello shooters.
+Oh, I do. I'm just a little concerned about the kids. Maybe I should call.
+Oh, come on Marge, relax! Lisa's in charge. She's the responsible one.
+Hold on, Bart. Everything's going to be just fine. I'm going to get you to a doctor. He will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow we'll all be a happy family. Happy, happy, happy family.
+Mag-gie!
+Please, Maggie, please go to sleep!
+Yo, um, I must've, like, fallen on a bullet and it, like, drove itself into my gut.
+Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!
+Um, excuse me, Mr. Smithers, Bart may be seriously hurt. Could we possibly go ahead of you?
+Um... no. I really would rather get this taken care of.
+Um, 'scuse me little lady. The wheelbarrow line is over there.
+Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
+Hold it right there.
+Well, if it isn't Springfield's finest little babysitter, Lisa Simpson.
+Hi. How are you?
+Um, I'm fine. Now Lisa, when you're walking down the side of the road you always wanna be sure to go with traffic, okay? Well, is that with traffic or against traffic? No, it's with traffic, with traffic. Anyway, good night.
+Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please.
+Okay...
+Just as I thought!
+It's a Yard King. That is a quality barrow. Well, gotta run.
+Oh God! Where's Bart?!
+Oh, Bart, I'm so sorry. This is all like a bad dream...
+Citizens of Springfield, I officially declare this -- What the hell is that?!
+Why, it's Lisa Simpson! And look what she's doing!
+She's murdered her brother!
+And she's tryin' to dump the body in the harbor!
+Well, duh...
+And as a grim finale, she intends to drown that poor caged baby!
+Oh, what's happening? Where am I?
+And she is on DRUGS!!!
+Give me the drugs, Lisa.
+Dad, I'm not on drugs. I was just trying--
+His arm! Oh, my special little guy, are you okay?!
+Hmm. Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin... My diagnosis: a rather nasty fall caused by bad babysitting.
+Hey, Bart. How's your arm?
+It's all right. I was hoping they'd give me one of those steel claws, but what're ya gonna do?
+I'm... I'm sorry I was such a jerk last night. Guess I sort of ruined your babysitting business.
+Eh, well, that's okay. I can always sell seeds. Do you want some seeds?
+No thanks.
+Hello, world's worst babysitter speaking.
+Lisa! I'm glad I reached you. Are you available to babysit tonight?
+Aren't you afraid I might take drugs and injure your children?
+Yes, that is a concern, but it's so hard to find a sitter. And I've got judo tonight.
+Oh, um, I'm sorry. Can you hold on, please... Hello?
+Lisa, Ned Flanders. You available tonight?
+Didn't you hear I almost killed my brother?
+You did? Just a minute. What time can you come over?
+You sure look stupid in that green dress, Lis.
+That's funny. I don't feel stupid.
+Hey, everybody's wearing green --
+Oh, no...
+Pinch! Pinch! Pinch! Pinch! Pinch!
+Happy St. Patrick's Day, loser!
+Ow! Quit it!
+It's the wearin' o' the green, Bart! Pinch pinch pinch!
+No one's pinching his legs.
+It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours and I'm still not drunk yet. Oh, it's never gonna be nine o'clock.
+Oh, Moe, thank God you're here! We'd like to come in and drink, please!
+We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door.
+Yeah, all right, listen up! This is the busiest drinkin' day of the year. Where are the designated drivers?
+Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.
+Top o' the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street, where today, everyone is a little bit Irish... except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.
+All right, then, move along. / Nothin' to see here. / Show's over, folks.
+Parades just bring out so many emotions in me: joy, excitement, looking...
+Mom, can I go buy one of those long plastic horns?
+Oh, Bart, we've bought those before and you always just throw them out the car window on the ride home.
+I get bored with them... but that won't happen this time.
+Beep beep! Comin' through! Hey, Notre Dame, move it or lose it! Ah-oo-ga! Will the owner of the great big butt please move it out of my face?
+Hey, ma, I'm on TV! / Hey, where's that weather chick? / This is some wicked pahty, huh?! / Hey, have you seen Sully?
+I don't know why people are always bad-mouthin' the Mafia.
+Get away from there! Hey! I need that pencil! Ladies and gentlemen, what you're seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property -- are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?
+Hey, give me some room! Watch the elbow, Seamus!
+Hey, look, everybody! Free beer!
+Open your yaps, boyos!
+Hey, what the --
+Everybody... everybody get naked! Come on, don't be stuck up, it's going to be great!
+Well, why not? This party's just getting started...
+Stop the celebration! That small boy is drunk!
+Yay, Bart!!
+Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland!
+Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV?
+What are yew lookin' at?
+"What are you looking at?" The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man: a town gone mad. A town whose very conscience was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.
+I'm going down to Moe's for a coupla beers.
+I'll come with you.
+No! No more drinking! I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother.
+Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?
+But what's the solution? Are we so bereft of ideas that we must revive the antiquated notion of prohibition? Channel Six says yes.
+Prohibition! They tried that in the movies and it didn't work. I predict this is the last we'll be hearing about prohibition.
+We want prohibition! We want prohibition!
+You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
+Oh, won't somebody please think of the children?!
+What kind of an example are we setting?
+Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.
+Wait, lookie here...
+Seems there's been a prohibition law on the books in Springfield for 200 years. It's just never been enforced.
+Get outta here, "Clerk Guy"!
+There's also a law requiring ducks to wear long pants.
+Wait a minute, let me see that. Well, I'll be darned, long pants...
+Read the other one. The non-duck one.
+"And spirituous beverages are hereby prohibited, under penalty of catapult."
+Did you see this, Bernice? It...
+Oh my...
+No, we're not worried. Our customers buy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. I predict our new alcohol-free "Duff Zero" will sell even better than our previous brand.
+Well, that's the end of me.
+Dateline: Springfield. With prohibition back in force, sobriety's peaceful slumber was shattered by its noisy neighbor: the speakeasy!
+Glad you're finally back in business, Moe.
+Yeah, that was a scary coupla hours.
+The suppliers of the illegal booze? Gangsters, running truckloads of smuggled hooch all the way from Shelbyville. And John Law was helpless.
+You didn't see nothin'.
+Aw, geez. This looks bad. Better turn on the old Wiggum charm.
+Pervert!!!
+Oh, boy. That sounded bad.
+We demand you bring in a police chief who will enforce the prohibition law.
+Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies.
+Uh, election in November. Election in November.
+What, again? This stupid country.
+With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird's seat, Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters... Rex Banner.
+Ow! Hey, I was watching that. And I was sitting there.
+Rex Banner. I'm running this department now. Wiggum, you're out. Suspended indefinitely.
+Tuck in that shirt! Get those shoes shined! Take that badge out of your mouth! You're police officers.
+What are you waiting for? Somebody to kiss you goodbye?
+Well, no, no... no. I guess not.
+Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers like a chippie tearing into a lobster.
+How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? Here.
+Say... this is nice... No! No bribes!
+Okay, you win. From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroin.
+See that you do.
+At first I thought prohibition was a good thing. People were drinking more and having a lot more fun. But without beer, prohibition doesn't work.
+Hey, hi, can I arrest any of you people for anything?
+Aw, rats, another gutter ball! Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight!
+Aw, geez. I don't have anything to do anymore. With Banner around, alcohol and crime are history in this town. And so am I.
+Now don't say that! Alcohol is a way of life. Alcohol is my way of life. And I aim to keep it!
+Sounds like you have a plan.
+Maybe I do, Chief. Maybe I do...
+C'mon, boy, think of a plan.
+I'm trying, Dad.
+Kent Brockman at the now-closed Duff Bottling Plant, where a mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil...
+I've got it!
+We're going out, Marge. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths.
+All right.
+Whoa, bonanza! Let's load it up before the rats regroup.
+Right. Now remember, don't mention this to anyone. Not your mother, not Rex Banner, not anyone.
+Heh, Rex Banner. What a dope.
+Yeah. Look at him trying to aim that stupid gun.
+Hang on, son!
+Dad! Knocking over a gravestone is bad luck!
+Really? I heard good.
+What happened to you, Homer? And what have you done to the car?
+Nothin'.
+I don't think it had broken axles before.
+Before! Before! You're living in the past, Marge! Quit living in the past.
+That's funny... I used to be able to go down there.
+Going bowling. Not back - avenge deaths.
+Why do you have so many bowling balls?
+Oh, I'm not going to lie to you, Marge. So long!
+Yeah, suck like a fox!
+Here you go, Barn! That'll be forty-five bucks.
+Forty-five bucks?! Well, this better be the best tasting beer in the world! You got lucky...
+You see, boy, the real money's in bootlegging, not in your childish vandalism.
+Oh, so many wasted nights...
+What's the matter, Chief?
+Yeah, you've barely touched your Banana Kaboom.
+This isn't a very happy birthday for Rex Banner.
+Hello, fishies!
+Listen, rummy, I'm going to say it plain and simple: Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
+Wait a minute. I forgot to make sure the coast was clear. Aw, it's probably clear. Let's go.
+I can explain, Marge! Please let me explain! Oh, why won't you let me explain!!!
+You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious "Beer Baron" who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol! How have you been getting away with this?
+Well -- and I can explain, remember -- I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump, then I bowl them and some underground pipes take them into Moe's.
+Homer, that's very clever!
+Well, it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly, two-hundred-year-old law...
+It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!
+Whooh...
+Mo-om!! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law and we still have to--
+Go to your room, Lisa.
+Open up, Curly. This is a raid.
+A raid?! Curly?! Um, all right, but, uh, I don't know what you... expect to find in a simple, uh, neighborhood...pet shop.
+Pet shop, eh? Well, I just have one question -- what kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1:00 a.m.?
+Um... er... the best damn pet shop in town!
+All right... but you people remember: baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up. Let's go, boys.
+Oww, those gears down there really hurt!
+You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron. And I'll find you.
+No you won't.
+Yes, I will.
+Dateline: Springfield. The elusive Beer Baron continued to thumb his nose at authorities. Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he seemed to say: "Look at me, Rex Banner. I have a new hat."
+Hey, boy, get crackin'! Moe upped his order to twenty balls a night!
+Uh, Dad...
+Call me Beer Baron.
+All the beer from the landfill is gone, Beer Baron. We're out of business.
+But I can't be out of beer. I'm the Beer Baron!
+Homer! My customers are soberin' up, and they ain't gonna stay for the ambiance! You gotta get me more beer!
+Sorry, I'm all out. Wha-- How about some turpentine? Or caulk? Delicious caulk...
+Look, find it, buy it, make it, I don't care. Just get me some booze, and fast!
+"Make it," eh?
+Forty-two bathtubs, please.
+You know, they're fifty for $3000 today.
+I said forty-two!
+Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before!
+Remember, honey, we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots. Like... all those people in jail.
+Who wants a bathtub mint julep?
+Are you the Beer Baron?
+Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-didilly-ilty as char-dardilly-arged.
+He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take 'im in.
+Are you the Beer Baron?
+Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered-reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
+Don't crack wise with me, Tubby.
+Tubby? Oh, yes, Tubby!
+Hey, Banner, how's it hangin'?
+None of your business.
+What on earth happened down there?
+One of the stills --
+Uh... nothing, Marge. I think it must have been that bean I had for dinner.
+Ka-boom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear.
+Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your homemade liquor is exploding again.
+What, dear?
+Ka-BLAMMO.
+You've made some money and had the fun of being a wanted criminal. Why not quit now, while you're ahead?
+I'll be right back.
+It's hot!
+I thought about what you said, honey, and I've decided to quit.
+Oh, well... Fun's over, but I still have my wonderful money.
+Stick 'em up.
+Geez, what happened to you, Wiggum? You look terrible.
+Yeah, never mind how I look. You gonna give me the money or not?
+Well, I don't think so. You don't even have a trigger on that thing.
+Yeah, I had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed my family. C'mon, give me the dough. I can throw this pretty hard.
+Poor Wiggum.
+Poor Wiggum.
+I'll bet you really hate Rex Banner, huh?
+Um, who?
+The guy who took your job.
+Oh, yeah... More than anything in the world!
+Hey, how would you like to show him up by beating him at his own game?
+I'm happy to report that the flow of illegal liquor seems to have dried up. Public drunkenness has ceased and those mysterious liquor clouds over Evergreen Terrace are gone. People, Rex Banner has won your war against alcohol.
+What about the Beer Baron?
+I suspect he was just an invention of the media. The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.
+We now go live to Evergreen Terrace where I'm informed that former Police Chief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron.
+/ Good golly! / Heavens! / They captured Homer?!
+..then, the liquor-filled bowling balls travelled through a network of underground pipes, finally emerging at a nearby speakeasy.
+You forgot one thing, Wiggum.
+Yeah? What's that?
+I filled the balls with a funnel.
+That was a very sweet thing you did for poor Wiggum, but what's going to happen to you?
+Aw, probably just a slap on the wrist...
+...And he who shall violate this law, shall be punished by catapult.
+Last time I help you.
+Sorry. I thought you'd get a fine, or at most three, four years in jail.
+Hold it. This machine is two centuries old. Better test it first.
+Okay, go ahead.
+Wait! Wait! You can't do this! All my husband did was violate a law that doesn't make sense. Now, I'll admit car crashes and fist fights have been down recently, but prohibition has cost us our freedom. Our freedom to drink.
+Now hold on a minute, Missy. It's not up to us to choose which laws we want to obey. If it were, I'd kill everyone who looked at me cockeyed. Our laws are in place for a reason. And when someone...
+Send him back to momma, boys...
+That was unexpected. Well, reset the catapult. And let's get this over with.
+I've discovered more lines on the parchment! It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago was repealed 199 years ago.
+Release the prisoner!
+On behalf of the city, I'd like to apologize, and ask how long it will take for you to flood this town with booze again.
+Well, sorry, I'm not in that business anymore.
+Four minutes.
+And so, one town's brief flirtation with prohibition ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor! Congratulations, Springfield! We wish you the very best!
+To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!
+And finally, the bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been canceled, due to confusion. Well, that concludes this morning's announcements. I'm Seymour Skinner and stand by to resume learning in five, four, three, two, one...
+It's hard enough to keep the kids awake without you, Seymour.
+M... Mrs. Krabappel, I also have an announcement to make!
+Can't it wait 'til I retire?
+I want one and all to join me in celebrating the anniversary of my portentous birth! Here you are, Nelson.
+A birthday party?
+Here you are, Nelson.
+Here you are, Nelson.
+I said !
+Alright, men. Get ready to blast off!
+Wooo, we're in orbit now! What's that? A call from the president? Hello?... Uh, yes. "Let me just say this about that." Okay, Mr. President...
+Bart, this is boring.
+I guess we could go to Martin's party...
+I don't know. If we're seen there, it'll definitely take our social standing down a notch.
+We're at what now, three?
+Three and a half. We get beat up, but we get an explanation.
+Mayday! Mayday!
+Uh -- Mrs. K! Hey, it's Saturday! Your powers are useless against me.
+Relax, I'm just here to have fun like everybody else. Don't think of me as a teacher.
+Okay. So...
+Mmmm-hmmm?
+Excuse me.
+Hey, Houdini, why don't you saw Martin in half?
+Oh, I'm not the kind of magician who does tricks. I'm a MATH-e-magician!
+Oh, man.
+Now, prepare to marvel at the mysteries of the universe as I make this remainder... disappear.
+But 7 goes into 28 4 times.
+Uh, this is a magic 7.
+Seymour.
+'Mind if I sit down?
+Eh, it's a free country.
+I, I don't follow you.
+Oh, just sit down, Seymour. It might be nice to talk to a grown-up for a change. Heh.
+Well, this party is certainly a break in my routine. You know, normally I spend my Saturdays carefully laying out my clothes for the following week, and then I stroll down to the car wash to see if Gus is there...
+Oh yeah, you gotta keep busy. I collect matchbooks from glamorous nightclubs. It's amazing. If you just write to them and ask them nicely...
+Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
+Well, yes, but then I was a very depressed child.
+To poor decisions.
+Here, here.
+Seymour!
+I told you not to play in the neighbors' yard!
+It's a party, mother. I was invited.
+Well... Then I must've been invited, too.
+Help me, Edna.
+I know where we can hole up for a while.
+That's it. Looking good. Getting warm...
+I feel queasy.
+Don't stop, Milhouse. You're so close!
+I gotta barf! Where's the bathroom?!
+I feel sick. / My tummy hurts! / ETC.
+I told you we should've served cake instead of oysters!
+I'm ruined!
+Haw haw!...
+Bart, how come you're not sick?
+Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat.
+Hey, why'd you eat them? I thought you were a vegetarian.
+I didn't. I just wanted to leave.
+More tea, Edna?
+What kind of little boy has a tea set?
+Huh. I think we both know the answer to that... a lucky boy.
+You know, Seymour, there's an innocence about you that can be quite charming.
+Oh? Well, I've always admired your tart honesty and ability to be personally offended by broad social trends.
+Really?...
+Mmm-hmm. Very much. And your laugh...
+You mean "ha"?
+Mmm-hmm. That's the one that makes me feel... H... H... Hoo, boy. You, ah, have a breath mint I could borrow?
+I've got some menthol cigarettes.
+Oh, the heck with it!
+You are never going to guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left! You know that playhouse? Well, I...
+Good gravy!
+Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.
+So I looked in the window and there it was, the grossest sight I have ever...
+Bart Simpson, report to the Principal's Office immediately!
+Now, Bart... son... I don't know what you think you saw, but, uh, let me assure you...
+What Seymour... Oh... What Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him.
+That's the best you can do? You could've at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play.
+Is it too late to say that?
+We're just a little concerned. If people were to find out the principal was dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest.
+And there are those who might try to use it against us for their own advantage.
+Like me for one.
+Like you for... Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten. Let's talk deal.
+As you know, Bart, your permanent record will one day disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.
+What do you say, son? You keep our secret and some other student can inherit your gloomy, windblown future.
+This is a great day for forbidden love.
+Mmmm. This dessert is exquisite. What do you call it?
+Applesauce.
+Oh, of course. I'm sorry, I... I don't get out to restaurants much.
+That's okay, I don't entertain much. Usually it's just soup for one, salad for one, wine for three...
+You know, I always thought I'd fall for a woman just like Mother... even though I didn't want to. And now that I haven't, I've discovered what true happiness can be, Edna.
+Seymour, swallow that applesauce and kiss me.
+I'm afraid I already swallowed it while you were talking.
+Mmm... / Oh... / / ETC.
+Good morning, students. Way to go there, Wendell. There's Ralph -- he knows the score. Jimbo, how's that hat today? Janey, Janey, bo-faney!
+"The only way to survive a deadly blaze is..." Oh heck, life is too short for fire safety. Let's go outside and pick wildflowers.
+Yayyy!!
+Bart Simpson to the Principal's Office. Post haste.
+Bart, so good to see you! I have a little favor to ask you.
+I'd like you to give this note to Edna when you get back to class. I don't think I have to tell you it's for her eyes only.
+I hear reading...
+Do you think anyone saw us?
+No. It went just as we planned, except they confiscated my thermos of cola at the door.
+Skinner. Krabappel. What are you two doing here?
+Superintendent Chalmers!
+Uh, why, we're... We're, uh, on a... a, uh Uh, uh, what do you call... uh, field trip.
+Uh, with a student.
+Yes! He's, uh...
+He's, uh, he's... purchasing refreshments in the lobby.
+I'll... I'll... I'll go get him right now. Car keys, car keys, car keys.
+Stop pushing me. What's going on?
+Just enjoy the movie. It has Tom Berenger.
+Do you think they actually filmed this in Atlanta?
+I don't know. I don't think it's important.
+Mother doesn't approve of me dating, so I need you to keep her busy for a few hours while Edna and I sneak out.
+Oh, I can't take much more of this.
+I collect pictures of cakes that I clip out of the magazines. It all started in 1941, when Good Housekeeping featured a photo of a lovely cake.
+You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?
+Oh, my, no. I don't care for cake. Too sweet. Now -- this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. At my age, I don't have much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page.
+Oh, can't I just turn the page for you?
+No. But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.
+Okay. That one.
+You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake.
+Bart Simpson! How many times do I have to tell you, no talking! Report to the principal's office!
+But... But I wasn't...
+And here, take this with you.
+Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you.
+I won't say it!
+Oh... I love you, Edna Krabappel.
+Bart's going to marry the teacher!
+Where are you registered, Simpson?
+Thank you, Bart. That was very sweet. You may sit down now.
+They're not going to get away with this.
+I'm going to step out for a few minutes, class. Martin, you're in charge.
+Now, Bart, uh, you must promise not to fall in love with me.
+Oh, now Martin's scoring off of me. Oh, that is it. Listen up, everybody! Follow me!
+Okay crew, set your faces to stunned.
+Um... Um.. School dismissed.
+...And then Bart opened the door and Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were kissing... and swearing!
+Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal and he had as many arms as Vishnu and they were all very busy!
+I was in the library at the time, but Janey told me that Principal Skinner and Bart's teacher, Mrs.... What's her name?
+Krabappel?
+Yeah, Krabappel. They were naked in the closet together.
+Oh, my goodness.
+Wait a minute. Bart's teacher's name is "Krabappel?" I've been calling her "Crandall." Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself.
+Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies. And the baby looked at me.
+The baby looked at you? Sara, get me Superintendent Chalmers.
+Thank you, Sara.
+Skin-ner!!!
+Superintendent Chalmers!
+The whole town's in an uproar about your sleazy shenanigans! Now I'm going to give you a choice. You can give up this tawdry, fulfilling relationship, or you two will be out of here so fast your mortarboards will spin. And where is your mortarboard, anyway?
+Uh, right here, sir!
+So what'll it be, Seymour?
+Well... I'm sorry, but, ah, I can't give up the woman I love.
+Well then, I'm afraid you leave me no choice. I want you out of the building by three o'clock. You're fired. Edna, too.
+Well, it's going to be hard to say good-bye to all of you. We've had a lot of fun together.
+Nelson, Nelson, Nelson. Oh, how many kids have you beaten up this year?
+I 'unno. Fifty.
+Ah, fifty... Where does the time go?
+You, you, uh, wanted to see me, Principal Skinner?
+Mmm-hmm, it's Mr. Skinner now. I'm just a man. Bart, I want to apologize for the awkward position Edna and I put you in. Your... your help made our love possible. I don't know what we'll do without you. Well, so long.
+Wait a second. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers told you to.
+What are you getting at?
+You've spent your whole life following orders -- from your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. Just this once, man, stand up for yourself.
+Okay, Bart.
+Let's go, Seymour.
+Okay, Edna.
+I... No, wait! We're not going anywhere. I'm going to do what Bart should have told me to do a long time ago!
+Attention, Springfield. We have barricaded ourselves in the school and are not coming down until our demands are met.
+Willie hears ya, Willie don't care.
+Obviously, you two have no experience causing a scene.
+I'll be right there.
+Alright, people! We've got an escaped octopus on the roof of Springfield Elementary! Let's roll! Two cameras!
+...and so once again, I've been had. But an even more interesting story has developed high atop this two story school. A love story...
+Skinner!! Get off of my school!
+No! You get off of my school!
+Homer, Bart's up there!
+Give me that! Bart, this is your father. Do you know where the remote is? I looked all over the house.
+Did you check your pocket?
+It was in... It was in my pocket.
+Fine. Stay in the school. We don't want you to come out.
+You got it!
+Damn. All right, boys, roll up the sound truck. We'll blast 'em out with music.
+Oh, Edna, I hope this siege never ends.
+Seymour, you're heaven in Hush Puppies.
+Turn the music off!
+Heh, it's working like a charm, boys! Now cut the power and hit 'em with the lights!
+I'll get it. Talk to me.
+You have got to end this thing, Seymour.
+We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.
+No one would like to celebrate your love more than I, but I am a public servant and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.
+Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople!
+Oh yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you wanna talk to first? The guy in the bumblebee suit or the one with the bone through his hair?
+My opinions are as valid as the next man's.
+Yeah, all right. Just come on down.
+Well, this is it.
+What are you going to do?
+I'm going to go out there, and tell every man, woman and child that I love Edna Krabappel.
+Well, that's nice. But first, you've gotta grab their attention. And I think I know how...
+I... have a bomb.
+Hey, wait a minute. Those are hot dogs. Armour Hot dogs.
+What kind of man wears Armour Hot Dogs?
+It was a good idea, Bart. But it's just not working.
+Just speak from the heart, Seymour. Tell them how we brought a little happiness into each other's lives. Ask them why they're forcing two dedicated people to choose between their careers and their hearts...
+Huh, excuse me, Edna. I don't think we're talking about "love" here, we're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
+"Sex Cauldron?" I thought they closed that place down.
+What are you people talking about?
+My child told me you two were having sex in the school janitor's closet.
+You know, "making babies"?
+Yes, illicit sex! / Doing it! It! It! / Sordid public sexual congress! / Sex! /
+This is absurd. I did not have relations in that closet. And the fact is, I haven't... ...uh...
+Seymour, I think you'd better tell them. It's the only way to clear our names.
+Well, everyone, the fact is: I haven't ever had relations. I am a virgin.
+Haw haw!
+Hey, does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin, too?
+Well, Seymour, it's clear you've been falsely accused, because no one... anywhere... ever... would pretend to be a forty-four-year-old virgin.
+Oh, that's for sure!
+I'm inclined to agree.
+Ach. I'll never look at him the same again.
+That was more than I wanted to know.
+Okay, well, um, Edna, Seymour... in light of these, er, er, revelations, I, uh, suppose we, uh, overreacted.
+Do we have our jobs back?
+What? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure. Just, um, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum.
+I'm outta here. Skinny, Krabby, catch ya later.
+Uh -- Hold on, Bart. May we have a word with you?
+We want to thank you for helping us through a difficult period.
+Oh, no problemo. So, I guess now you'll be getting married or something, huh?
+Well, actually, Seymour and I have decided to break up.
+We can't continue on like this, trying to build a private relationship in public -- the whole town watching our every move with a fine-tooth comb.
+Mm-hmm. I'm used to humiliation, but not in front of a crowd that size.
+Aw, but you seemed like such a good couple.
+Bart, when you get a little older, you're going to learn that sometimes romances don't turn out exactly the way you'd like them to...
+That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
+Whoo!... Oh, Seymour...!
+Marge, mail's here.
+Bills... bills... oo, a free sample of gasoline... a note from Publishers' Clearinghouse saying we're out of the running... oh look, Lisa! You got something.
+Oh, Foreign Language Institute. Oh, my German verb wheel!
+Ich esse; er isst; wir essen.
+When? When? Ich bin hungrig!
+Homer, this is yours.
+Yes! My precious "CarTOONS!" "Who pumped Ethyl?!"
+Oh, how come I never get any mail?
+I'm sorry, honey. Here, you can have the junk mail.
+"Gas your termites"... "Freeze your termites"... "Zap your termites"... "Save the termites"... Hel-lo.
+"Dear Occupant: Because of your fine credit history, you have been pre-approved for a MoneyBank charge card..."
+Hoo, baby! Okay, lessee now... "Occupation?" Hmm, butt Doctor. "Income?" Whatever I finds, I keeps! "Name?" Hmm, name, name....
+My name is... Santa's Little Helper.
+Marge, mail's here.
+... Bills, bills... Oh a rejection letter from The New Yorker subscription department... Hmm. Who or what is "Santos L. Halper?"
+Wow, my own credit card! Thanks, "Santos!"
+A quarter?! Well, you're just the dog that keeps on giving, aren'cha?
+... and "Zebra Girl," and "Zillionaire," and "Zoidzilla."
+And will there be any more splurging today?
+Oh my, yes. Hmm, I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection.
+Ah, a superb choice: in volume two, Radioactive Man travels through time to defeat Jesse Owens at the 1936 Olympic Games.
+Put it all on my credit card, my good man.
+Ooh, pardon me, "Santos" -- if that is your real name, Bart Simpson -- but your phony credit is no good here. Now make like my pants and split.
+Oh, what good's a credit card if you can't even use it?
+"Order by phone. 1-800 --" Our phone doesn't go up to eight hundred. Unless...
+Mom, this is for you: 15 pounds of
+Vancouver smoked salmon. Here. Smell it!
+Oh, Bart, you didn't have to do that. Oh!
+And for Homer --
+Wow! A golf shirt! With my corporate logo on it!
+Oh, it smells like salmon, too! Thanks, boy!
+And for the college-bound... 500 stay-alert capsules.
+Wow, "Trucker's Choice." That is so sweet.
+Bart, where did you get all this stuff?
+Let me answer that question with... cookware!
+A frying pan radio. Wow!
+You a winna. You a winna. You a winna.
+Halogen lamps? Kilim rugs? You can't afford this how can you afford this?
+Aw, you've been all edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you those pep pills.
+What are you talking about? I don't need pep pills to be suspicious if I want to comment on it I'll comment on it who's gonna stop me, you, Pep pill Boy? Pep Boys pills Beverly Sills oh boy oh boy oh boy uh-oh uh-oh oh boy I gotta start taking those pills again you think you're so great...
+C'mon, boy, let's go for a walk!
+No, not you -- Laddie.
+Whoa! "The crowning achievement of the dogmaker's art. This limited edition Collie comes fully trained by Major Jonas Fong, A.L.B.D.A... only 800 will be bred... quite possibly the World's Best Dog."
+Twelve hundred bucks?! I better just get one.
+Hey, where are you going?
+"Hello, my name is Laddie. I've been trained to gather fruit for you as a welcome gift."
+Good dog.
+Okay, watch this. Watch. Do a back-flip, Laddie!
+Oh, he's so smart!
+And so handsome! Bart, I just love him!
+Hi Marge, hi Santa's Little Helper, hi kid -- hey, that's not Santa's Little Helper.
+That's Laddie. Bart says he won him at a church carnival, two towns over.
+In a truth-telling contest. Right, Bart?
+Uh, to the best of my recollection, yes.
+Wow, I gotta start going to church.
+What've you got for me, boy? Hey, this says we should feed him lots of eggs and olive oil to ensure a glossy coat.
+Oh, yeah, a dog like this you have to feed every day.
+He's trained to do all sorts of stuff. He can herd sheep and perform CPR.
+"Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does -- while jogging."
+Geez, that dog has more education than I do. He's some kinda super dog. Hey, where'd he go?
+Hello, Mr. Halper, I'm calling from MoneyBank Credit Services Department. I was wondering if you had a chance to read the threatening letter we sent you...
+... because you sound like a mature, responsible person who wouldn't want an unpaid credit card bill to spoil all his hopes and dreams for the future -- dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership, and event attendance. Now when can I tell my supervisor, Mr. Robinson, to expect payment?
+C'mon, I've got a job for you.
+Good boy.
+We didn't see nothin' if you didn't see nothin'.
+Oh no, repo men. Laddie, hide behind that bush there.
+Mom and Dad aren't home, are they?
+No. They went for a walk with the Flanders. Bart, what's going on? Why are these repo guys taking all your stuff?
+The dog and I got a credit card and...
+A credit card? Oh, I knew you were up to no good.
+Okay, so I committed a little mail fraud. Haven't I been punished enough?
+Hey! Stop! You can take back the bassinet, but the baby is ours!
+And the last item is one $1200 dog. Is that him?
+Well, is he the dog or isn't he?
+Yeah, that's him all right.
+Sorry, boy. I didn't plan this. It just sort of happened.
+Mom, can I feed Laddie at the table?
+Oh, it's against the house rule... Oh, I guess just this once.
+Oh, I don't know about this dog. He's kinda... snooty.
+Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie?
+Do you think he noticed?
+Where's Santa's Little Helper?
+Um, I took him to a kennel... two towns over. Just 'til the new dog gets settled.
+Well, we wrecked the first dog. We've got to treat this one right. Bart, why don't you take Laddie for another walk.
+No! Bart had his turn, let me! I can't resist his charms.
+Let's all walk Laddie.
+Hey, this park is great! How come we never take Santa's Little Helper here?
+Crowds give him gas.
+Besides, he's happy just hanging around the house with Bart.
+Uh, yeah.
+Hey, that is one fine-looking animal you've got there.
+Wow, TV's Kent Brockman.
+Ha, ha. Hey, this fellow's not available to stud, is he?
+You want some puppies, eh, Mr. Brockman?
+No, no, Jessica's been fixed. She just needs a little attention.
+Why that canine has the proud bearing and glossy fur coat of a Yale man. Hello, little fella.
+Smithers, I believe this dog was in Skull and Bones.
+Whoa! Cool dog. Can he catch a frisbee?
+Boy, Bart. Laddie's the best dog in the world. He's nothing like your old dog.
+Santa's Little Helper? I guess I was the only one who loved him.
+You got that right. Remember the time he ate my goldfish and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why'd I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
+Yeah, he was a great dog.
+Oh, Santa's Little Helper, I was crazy to give you up for another dog. What have I done to you?
+Captain, can't we go any faster? I greatly fear we shan't be in Wimbledon by noonfall.
+No worries, madam.
+Lumley, shovel on more dogs, won't you?
+Aye-aye. More dogs!
+More dogs!
+In you go...
+Nah, that's not too likely.
+But still... you're gone. Oh, where are you, boy?
+"Time for a walk." Again? We gotta find out where he's keeping these.
+I'd take him, but those cards are non-transferable.
+Help! Help!
+Now what?! C'mon, I wanna go home.
+So Laddie, thank you for your heroic rescue, and Baby Gerald, we can't help but wonder what mischief you'll get into next.
+Now can we go home?
+Laddie saved the day, Simpson. Boy, we sure could use a dog like that on the force.
+Why don't you guys take him. I thought he was the right dog for me, but I guess I made a mistake.
+Really? No foolin'? Aw, gee, thanks, mister. We'll take real good care of him and we'll play with him every day. Honest!
+Oh, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over. Homer, would you clean her off?
+Can do.
+Laddie! C'mere, boy! Who want to lick a messy baby?
+Laddie?
+Uh, Dad? Laddie's not coming. I gave him away.
+What's the matter, Bart? Weren't you happy with him?
+No. He just wasn't the right dog for me. I'm sure he'll be happy as a police dog.
+He better know how to keep his mouth shut.
+Well, if that's what you think is best, let's just go down to the kennel and get Santa's Little Helper back.
+We can't. He's not in a kennel. I gave him away, too, and I don't know where he is.
+You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!
+I'm sorry, I know it's wrong. I messed everything up and now I don't have any dogs at all.
+There, there, shut up, boy. We'll just get you a new dog.
+I don't want a new dog. I want Santa's Little Helper.
+Well, crying isn't going to bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there, crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!
+You're right. I'll do it.
+I love this song.
+Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.
+I'm going to get the dog back.
+The bad dog or the good dog?
+The bad dog.
+Oh good.
+You gotta give me back my floor!
+My customers are walking around on the pipes.
+Hey, next time pay your bills.
+But I don't want to!
+Excuse me, sir. Did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Halper?
+Hmm... yeah, yeah, I remember this mutt. We, uh, sold him to some guy wearing a dress.
+No, I didn't buy your dog. Now I gotta go keep an eye on Selma -- she thinks she swallowed a Band-Aid.
+Yeah, I bought yer mutt. And I ate him.
+Yeah, I ate his little face. I ate his guts. And I ate the way he's always barking... so I gave him to the church.
+Oh, I see. You hate him, so you gave him to the church.
+Aye. I also ate the mess he left on me rug. You heard me.
+Mmm, yes, I remember "Satan's Little Helper" -- littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse...
+He unholied the Holy Water!
+That's him all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
+Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us.
+You didn't crucify him?
+No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. I'll give you his address if you like.
+And then buy something, or get out. Angel.
+Hey, it's him! It's Santa's Little Helper!
+My name is Bart Simpson. I have to talk to you about your dog.
+Give me one minute.
+Okay, showtime!
+"Please, mister... " No, let me do that again. "Please, mister... please?!"
+Hi there. How can I help you?
+You're the guy who owns the dog?
+Yup, his name is Sprinkles!
+Sprinkles?!
+Yeah, he's my best buddy. Huh? Especially since my parrot decided to stop talking.
+Polly, wanna say "Hi" to our guest? Huh? Fine, be that way. Now, what can I do ya for, son?
+Oh, nothin'. Forget it.
+... So that's my plan. I'm gonna break into the blind man's yard and swipe the dog.
+Bart, that is a new low.
+Hey, I'm not saying it's gonna be a dance around the maypole.
+Well, I won't tell Mom and Dad, but only because I want the dog back. Just try not to freak out the blind man.
+I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try.
+Here, boy! Come on!
+Oh, I missed you so much, boy! C'mon, let's get outta here! Now keep quiet, okay?
+Sprinkles?! Is there somebody down there?!
+C'mon, boy. Let's blow.
+Who's there?! I can take you on!! You wanna try me? Come on!!
+Where is he, Sprinkles? Let's get him!
+No, not the piano! I can't play now!
+I may be blind, but you just ran into a closet!
+Heh heh.
+Hey Chief.
+Hey, burglar! I hope you're having a good time in there, 'cause the police will be here any minute!
+No, mister! Please, I'm just a kid. I... I only came to get my dog back.
+Your dog?
+...and I miss him so much and I know you like him but I like him too and he was mine first and I know I don't deserve him but...
+So what this comes down to is: you want a blind man to give up his only companion.
+Yes, please.
+Tell ya what. Why don't we let the dog decide?
+C'mon, Sprinkles! Here, Sprinkles!
+C'mon, Santa's Little Helper! I'm sorry I ever let you go! Pick me! Please pick me!
+Attaboy! I knew you'd come! Gimme a kiss! Oh, yeah!
+Sounds like you won. Congratulations.
+Oh geez, I'm sorry. I wish there was some way we could both have a dog.
+Hello... Police... Aw, man, if this one's not the right house, I quit.
+It's okay, Officer. False alarm.
+Hey, who's that? I like you, too!
+Well, looks like somebody's made a new best friend.
+Okay, boy, that's enough... That's not for doggies...
+Marijuana!
+Well! I guess he didn't like you after all. He just smelled your narcotics! Book 'em, boys.
+Hold on, Chief. It might be medicinal.
+Yeah... medicinal! Without it, I could, uh, go even blinder! Right?
+Eh, this might take awhile, kid. Why don't you and your buddy run along?
+Bye, Laddie.
+Come on, boy, let's go home and have some fun. That cat's been strutting around like she owns the place...
+Hey, hey, Lou! Don't bogart that medicine!
+Hey, hey everybody. How you doin'? Hey! What's up here?
+Shut up! I love this song.
+Ooh yeah.
+...and now, the thrilling conclusion of "Colonel Dracula Joins the Navy."
+Lisa, what in the heck are you doing?
+Oh, it's for my Junior Achievers Club. We're trying to earn money by recycling.
+Aw, recycling is useless, Lis. Once the sun burns out, this planet is doomed. You're just making sure we spend our last days using inferior products.
+Well, I think it's a great idea.
+Mom, Mom, you're mixing polyethylene with polyurethane!
+Well, I'm sorry!
+And you have to cut these up first. Otherwise animals get caught in them.
+Only the stupid ones.
+I could still use more paper.
+Hey, I know where there's lots of paper!
+Dad! You're not supposed to have fun recycling. This is serious.
+Oh, okay.
+What a load of garbage! I'm ecstatic. With the money from this, we're within striking distance of our trip to Albany.
+Super. Now, let's give a big Junior Achievers welcome to our guest speaker -- I know he can teach us a lot about business -- Mr. C. Montgomery Burns!
+I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship: these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phony baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?
+Well, I'm going to take advantage of this rare opportunity, even if you children aren't interested. Uh... Which do you think is more important: hard work or stick-to-it-iveness?
+Are there any real questions?
+Yes. Um, does your plant have a recycling program?
+Ree-cyyy-cling?
+I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.
+Hmm. You've never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.
+Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say "hard cheese!"
+But nature's not our enemy.
+Well surely you agree we can do without her.
+No! I don't agree!
+How dare you question Mr. Burns?
+I'll handle it, Smithers. Shut up, little girl. If I had spent my life listening to Dismal Dora's like you, I wouldn't be worth two hundred million dollars today.
+But according to your most recent biography, you only have one hundred million dollars today.
+Um, actually, sir, it's uh, considerably less than that.
+I, um... have to go.
+Monty Burns, everybody!
+I've called you all here because I need some honest answers. What is my current financial situation?
+I hear great.
+All right. Well, let's have a look at my stock portfolio.
+Hmm... Confederated Slave Holdings. How is that doing?
+It's uh... uh... steady.
+I'm sure all your stocks are doing well, sir. After all, you chose them.
+Well, let's get out the old stock ticker and have a look...
+Can Lenny have it?
+Eh, here's where I stopped checking it last time: September nineteen twenty ni-- Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?!
+Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.
+Oh, that's your excuse for everything. I've got to do something to get my money back quickly. This calls for an aggressive trading strategy.
+Good idea, sir.
+Take fifty percent of my money and put it in the blue chips: Trans-Atlantic Zeppelin, Amalgamated Spats, Congreve's Inflammable Powders, U.S. Hay... and sink the rest into that up-and-coming Baltimore Opera Hat Company. That should set things right again, eh, boys?
+Yes, sir! / Absolutely! / Genius! / Can't go wrong with Congreve's.
+A half ton of newspaper and all we get is seventy-five cents? Huh, that won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles.
+It sounds like you're working for your car. Simplify, man.
+Oh! Well!
+Sorry, kids, the trip to Albany is off, and there's to be no more recycling.
+But we didn't do that badly. We collected enough paper to save one whole tree.
+Oh, mommy, help!
+Are you saying my money's all gone?!
+But... I made all the right moves! Didn't I?
+Yes! / Absolutely! / Every move a right one!
+I see it all now! You're just a bunch of yesmen! I was making the wrong moves and you were too gutless to tell me. Isn't that right?
+Yes. / Absolutely. / Dead on, sir.
+Then I'll fix this myself. Smithers, take out another mortgage on the plant.
+The bank has already foreclosed on the plant, and your house, sir.
+But... what will I do?
+Well, the first thing you'll have to do is move out of the bank's house. I'll help you pack.
+Go on! Get outta here!
+...and I'm sure a pro wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman.
+Eww. This place has got old man stink.
+Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.
+...and you wouldn't even be the only wrestler in the neighborhood. The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away.
+Hey, hey, I'll take it.
+Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait? To remind me of better times?
+Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-necked geek?
+Why indeed...
+I'll make sure he forwards your Social Security check, Sir.
+Excellent.
+Homer, you didn't tell me Mr. Burns went broke and lost the nuclear power plant.
+Now I can't remember every little thing that happens in my day.
+You told me about that candy bar you found three times!
+You found a candy bar?
+Oh, yes! Gather 'round, my son, and I shall tell you a tale...
+I normally don't laugh at other people's misfortunes, but on behalf of the recycling community: HA! It couldn't happen to anyone more deserving.
+They're not going to close the plant, are they?
+No, the bank put Lenny in charge.
+Uhhh, attention everybody. Work harder. Bye!
+Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good.
+Well, sir, I have to get to work. Lenny's a real bear on tardiness.
+Are there any chores I can do?
+Uh, no, no. You just stay here and maintain your dignity.
+Ah, here's a chance to earn my keep. I will go out and get these items from the food jobber.
+Grocery store, please!
+I am riding on a bus.
+Hey, aren't you that guy everybody hates?
+Oh my, no! I'm Monty Burns!
+I'm shopping.
+Oh my... I wonder which is the cereal for me...
+Uh, oh, excuse me, can you tell me where I might find the "Burns-O's"?
+Sorry, Pops. They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.
+Hmm. Well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me...
+Oh, thank you, Shoppie. I... I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me.
+Yeah, those dairy cases are death traps.
+Ketchup, catsup... ketchup, catsup... ketchup, catsup... Ugh. I'm in way over my head.
+He's talking to the ketchup now! Burns is sure acting nutty.
+Maybe going broke and losing his plant destroyed his brain.
+Could you come along with us, sir?
+Are you here to solve my ketchup problem?
+Yes. That's right.
+Wh... where are you taking me? What's happening?
+Relax. You've gone off your nut, so we're stuffing you into an old folks home. Those, uh, store guys signed the commitment papers.
+But I'm shopping!
+Here you go, honey. That's about all the recycling I can handle today.
+Dad, if you just drink one more, I'll have a full bag.
+There's got to be more trash around here somewhere...
+Hey, why don't you try the old folks home? They practically live in their own filth!
+Thanks, Dad!
+You're welcome, honey.
+That's the activity room. We're not allowed in there. That's the library. Not allowed in there, either. And don't even think about going in the game room...
+Egad, man, how are we supposed to pass the time?
+Best bet is to stake yourself out a good spot at the starin' window...
+Come on, Mr. Burns! Join the fun!
+That's the spirit!
+So this is how the Monty Burns saga ends... If I hadn't surrounded myself with those spineless yes men...
+What do you mean you don't have anything to recycle? You must have some magazines, or newspapers.
+That voice! That shrill, disagreeable voice! It's her!
+Sorry, we're not allowed to read newspapers. They angry up the blood.
+You! The troublemaking girl!
+My name is Lisa, Mr. Burns. Lisa Simpson.
+It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot! What I want to know is: will you help me get my money back?
+Ha! I'd never help you. You're the worst man in the world.
+Yes! That's the kind of moxie I'm looking for. You're hired!
+No, I'm not!
+Sir, I'm so sorry my grocer committed you. We'll never shop there again.
+Not now, Smithers. I've got an empire to rebuild, and the person who's going to help me is... that girl!
+Please!
+Please!
+Please!
+Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns and I want your daughter to help make me rich again.
+You mean Maggie?
+Ah, the baby who shot me. No, I was referring to your other daughter.
+Lisa! You have a guest!
+So, um, how's life in the gutter?
+You again.
+I've realized the error of my ways, Lisa. I need someone with your integrity to help me. Please don't refuse this poor old man.
+Oh... if I did agree to help you, you could only earn money by doing good, socially responsible things. Nothing evil.
+"Nothing evil." That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need! It's a deal.
+See that, boy? Why aren't you making any business deals?
+I'll do it this afternoon...
+You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?
+Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
+Oh, don't pooh-pooh a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake, and a newsreel! With enough change leftover to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds.
+There's a can.
+You have to cut these six-pack holders up. Otherwise fish get trapped in them.
+I see...
+Haw haw!
+My first dollar! Thanks to you, Lisa, and our hemp-smoking friend. Shine on, you crazy diamond.
+Sounds like somebody's living in the past. Contemporize, man!
+Well, Lisa, as my advisor, you're entitled to ten percent.
+It's all right. I understand. But we really could have used that twelve thousand dollars.
+Oh, I'm not doing this for the money. I'm just happy knowing that future generations will enjoy unspoiled median strips and pristine highway embankments.
+There's a can.
+And from our "It's Funny When It Happens To Them" file... Remember millionaire C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy, and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985? Well, guess who's flat broke and picking up trash for a living?
+Please be Flanders, please be Flanders, please be Flanders...
+Excuse me, Mr. Burns, now that you're completely ruined, how do you feel?
+Excellent. I'm on my way back to the top. I've turned these cans into "can do!"
+Well, you smell terrible! Good luck to you, sir.
+Wow, he went from stinking rich to just plain stinking.
+Good one, Mom! / You're so bad, honey.
+You guys shouldn't laugh at him. Mr. Burns has changed. He's different now.
+Yeah, he's broke!
+Two in a row!
+Oh, you've really turned my life around these past few weeks, Lisa. I've got my own business again, my beloved employees... oh consargnit. Eh, come on, let's pick up the pace, you neglected old nincompoops!
+Mr. Burns, if you want people to do a good job, you can't bully them. You have to show them they're appreciated.
+Oh, capital idea, partner. People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by.
+Oh, hot-diggity! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche!
+Wow, even I didn't know he was so committed to recycling! See? I told you Mr. Burns has changed. See?
+Lisa, nobody likes a gloater. Right, Homie?
+Uh-huh.
+Yes, thank you, everyone. But -- 10% of your applause should go to my little partner, Lisa Simpson. For if it were not for her infectious moralizing, we would not be here today to witness the unveiling of... The Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant!
+Aw, ain't that cute? Makes Li'l Debbie look like a pile of puke!
+Would you like to be the first to take a tour of the plant, Li'l Lisa?
+I'd love to -- Partner!
+The whole plant is a environmentally-sound. It's powered by old newspapers. The machinery is made entirely of used cans. And the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected.
+I thought I told you to stop licking my windows!
+I know... You told me. And when I woke up this morning, I said: "Barney, you're not gonna let that man.... "
+I'm so proud of you, Mr. Burns! You're getting your fortune back and you're doing it without endangering the planet or cozying up to the Aspen crowd.
+Oh, hold your accolades to the end of the tour. You haven't seen the best part!
+I couldn't watch your demonstration of the fish caught in the plastic rings without getting an idea. Look out over the water.
+I figured if one six-pack holder will catch one fish, a million sewn together will catch a million fish. Watch.
+What's going on?
+I call it the Burns Omni-Net. It sweeps the sea clean.
+Oh, dear God!
+I call our product: Li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry! It's a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive, and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals!
+I think I'm going to be sick...
+Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails ya!
+Ach! You haven't changed at all! You're still evil! And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil!
+I don't understand. Pigs need food, engines need coolant, dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them, at a tidy profit, and not a single sea creature was wasted. You inspired it all, Li'l Lisa.
+Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns!
+But you told us to recycle!
+You convinced us it was good.
+No! It's evil! Please stop recycling!
+Stop! You can't mix plastic with paper.
+Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes! I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
+Oh, I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.
+Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
+I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. But I don't remember what it was so I'm watching TV.
+Well, Lenny's reign of terror is over. Mr. Burns bought the plant back this morning, and...
+Enough chit-chat. I need to see Lisa.
+I don't want to talk to you, Mr. Burns.
+Oh, I think you will. You see, I've just sold the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant for 120 million dollars!
+Congratulations...
+Oh, don't congratulate me, congratulate Bay State Fish Sticks... as my advisor, you're entitled to ten percent of the proceeds.
+Lis, have I told you lately that I love you?
+Wow! I've never seen so much money! Oh, but I can't accept that, knowing where it came from. Can I, Mom?
+Lisa, you do whatever your conscience tells you.
+You did the right thing, sweetheart.
+Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.
+I'm sorry, Dad.
+Um, Dad... ten percent of 120 million dollars isn't twelve thousand. It's...
+Code blue... Code blue...
+Shhhhhh.
+Cinq, quatre, trois...deux, un... MAINTENANT!
+Turn it down! We don't wanna wake up mom and dad!
+Ssshhhhhh!
+Oh my goodness. Kids! Homer! We're late for church! I'm glad I dressed last night.
+Oh, I'd love to go with you, honey, but I've got a lot of work to do around the bed.
+Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
+In that case, he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
+...and the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, the nine tenets of constancy.
+DAMMIT!!
+I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over.
+Aw, for the luvva crumbcake!
+Our sermon today is on constancy, inasmuch as the...
+Moreover, by dint of the appreciation of these principles we can learn...the importance of constancy, sweet constancy.
+Thank you, Lord, for delivering us from Reverend Lovejoy!
+/ Yahoo! / Oh, man, am I glad to get outta there! / etc.
+Hey, calm down. You're wrinkling your church clothes!
+Who cares? This is the best part of the week!
+It's the longest possible time before more church.
+Church shouldn't be a chore. It should help you in your daily life.
+"Barney Gumbel".
+It should, but it doesn't. Now who's going with Daddy to the dump?
+Me! Me!
+The dump?
+Yeah. We're gonna get rid of the Christmas tree. It's starting to turn brown.
+Wanna come with?
+No, no, I don't feel like going to a trash pile today.
+It's your life.
+We'll bring you back something nice.
+Can you believe it? They give you five Q's and only two U's. What a world.
+It's crazy!
+So what's on your mind, Marge?
+...sermons about "constancy" and "prudissitude" are all very well and good, but the church could be doing so much more to reach out to people.
+Oh, I don't see you volunteering to make things better.
+Well... okay. I will volunteer!
+I wasn't prepared for that.
+C'mon, Christmas tree.
+Okay. Who's up for some scrounging?
+Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball half!
+I found a Malibu Stacy with no head!
+Oh my God! Help me, Lisa!
+Lisa! Dad! C'mere quick! There is something that you won't believe!
+What the heck is that?
+Maybe it's a box from the future!
+It looks Japanese.
+Wh... what's going on? Wh... wha... why am I on a Japanese box?
+Oh, my God, what is that?...
+I'm meek... but I could probably stand to be meeker.
+All done! I swept the aisles and put all the collection plates in the dishwasher. Oh, and you wouldn't believe how many dead pigeons there were in the organ.
+Marge, you are a real time-saver. Do you know, thanks to you, I've rediscovered a form of shame that's gone unused for 700 years.
+Lovejoy here.
+Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis and I didn't know to whom to turn.
+All right.
+Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face" -- I didn't even know he had a problem. What should I do?
+Well, maybe you should read your Bible.
+Um, any particular passage?
+Oh, it's all good.
+All right. Thanks anyway.
+Reverend, I hate to say this, but it sounded like that poor man was reaching out to you. I'm not sure your advice was all that helpful.
+Oh, Marge, I was once idealistic like you. It was the mid-seventies, and I was fresh out of seminary. The Sixties were long over and people were once again ready to feel bad about themselves...
+I came to Springfield ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man.
+Reverend, I'm a... I'm afraid something terrible has happened.
+Well, sit down and rap with me, brother. That's what I'm here for.
+Well, I was talked into doing a dance called "the bump", but my hip slipped and my buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man!
+I... see.
+Then the calls began.
+...Well, I... I think I may be coveting my own wife...
+I think I swallowed a toothpick.
+Finally, I just stopped caring. Luckily by then, it was the 80s and no one noticed.
+But you can't let a few bad experiences sour you on helping people!
+Oh, sure I can.
+You handle it.
+No, I... I... Wait, I can't... I-- Hello...?
+Uh, yeah, hi, I'm callin' for Reverend Lovejoy. Who is this?
+Oh, well, this is... um... the, uh... the Listen Lady!
+Yeah, well listen, lady. I've got so many problems, I.... I don't even know where to begin here.
+Okay, uh, why don't you start from the top?
+All rightee... Uh, number one: I've lost the will to live.
+Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for.
+Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been tellin' me. Wow, you're good. Thanks!
+Hi, it's me again. I got another problem. Uh, this one's about my cat.
+Yeah, shut up. I'm asking her.
+Why would you volunteer at the church?
+I don't know... guilt?
+Volunteering is for suckers! Do you know that so-called "volunteers" don't even get paid?
+Well, I think volunteering is great. Deep down it makes you feel --
+Homer! Will you get that crazy box off the dinner table? It came from the dump.
+But Marge, I'm obsessed with it! Where did it come from? What is it a box of? How'd my face get on it?!
+Hey, if they got a picture of you, that means they can see you. They're probably watching us right now.
+That's ridiculous. Nobody is watching us right now.
+Hai! Hai! Hai! Bye.
+Akira, can you read this for me?
+Ah yes, this is a product called "Mr. Sparkle." Very popular dish detergent. Hey, he looks like you!
+What's he saying?
+He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs... He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
+Yes. You have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaido. Renowned for its countless soap factories.
+Hokkaido, eh?
+See, all along, I been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now he's comin' over for dinner.
+Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like.
+No, no, no, no, no, no, it's worse than that. I don't even have a wife. I just said I did to, you know, be a big-shot.
+Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth. Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth, I cook him a big delicious dinner. By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say.
+Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him 'til he don't know what's what.
+Seymour, I'm getting tired. Tell them we're going next.
+Well, I'm not principal of the line, mother.
+And you never will be.
+I'd like the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan, please.
+Okay. Here you go. The phone book for Hokkaido, Japan.
+Thank you. May I please use your phone?
+Is it a local call?
+Y-y-y-yes.
+Moshi-moshi?
+Yes. This is Homer Simpson from America. Who may I say is speaking to me?
+Hanashima su eigo-fu.
+Hello Chief. Let's talk why not?
+Uh, hello? Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
+Oh, you like Mr. Sparkle?
+Well, I am Mr. Sparkle!
+You have many question Mr. Sparkle. I send you premium, answer question hundred percent.
+The Lord will hear your lamentations and give solace to your spirit.
+The Lord... or Marge Simpson!
+Amen to that!
+Umm, could we please not yell out things in the church?
+Marge, I need some advice -- / Listen, I've got some trouble with-- / etc.
+Please, one at a time, one at a time! Now, who has the most urgent problem?
+I have a recurring dream in which I'm falling.
+Come right this way, Mel. I... Tim, hold my calls.
+I'm a shepherd without a flock. What have I done to lose them?
+The real question is, what have you done to keep them?
+Ah, St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia.
+That's my name -- don't wear it out.
+To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.
+Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?
+Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.
+I've appeared in over 8,000 visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
+Oh now, please, I... I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.
+You -- you're just lucky God isn't here.
+Hello, Listen Lady.
+Marge, people say you've got a real knack for solving problems. Well, this is a little awkward, but, um, Tim came home from church so despondent today. He's just been playing with his trains all afternoon.
+We all need a little time to ourselves, Helen. Just give him a day or two and I'm sure he'll be back to his old dynamic self.
+Attention, H-O scale passengers: the dining car is closed. Root beer is still available but the cost is now $6.50. If the passengers will look to the right, you will see a sad man. That is all.
+Look, we got a package from the Mr. Sparkle Company in Japan!
+It's a videotape!
+Put it in! Put it in!
+Ahhhh. Oh! Hello, American investor. I see you are interested in distributing Mr. Sparkaru in your home prefecture. You have chosen wisely. But please, don't believe me. Observe this commercial.
+Aka ni taishte burei da! Yogore o yaburu! Honki da yo.
+Doke - Mina doke! Burabura shitero tokoro ja nai! Ore to issho ni nasu ka shinu ki ka?
+Isamashi honin rogo desu ne! Mista Sparkaru no charenji ni ojimasu!
+Awesome Power!
+Natsu yasumi no keikaku wa do desho?
+Mista Sparkaru -- Un no yoi besto washu!!
+Bor-ing.
+That didn't explain anything. All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid "logo". There's no other explanation.
+Wait, look.
+Mr. Sparkle: a joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks...and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.
+Hey, it was all a coincidence!
+Yep. There's your answer, Fish Bulb.
+Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. C'mon kids. Let's go home.
+We are home.
+That was fast.
+You've just got to accept it. Your GameBoy is gone. It's at the bottom of the ocean.
+Aye. Aye. Aye.
+Hello. Listen Lady.
+Uh, I'm in some hot soup here, Marge. Uh, some teenagers are hanging out in front of the store. I... I think they could start slacking at any moment.
+Well, Ned, you don't have to stand for that. You just march right up to those youngsters and tell them to vamoose.
+Yeah, well, if you're sure that'll help...
+Hey, let's go over to the One-Hour Photo and breathe some fumes.
+Uh, excuse me, fellas... I... I couldn't help thinking it might be nice if you could uh, vamoose, you know. If possible.
+Hello. Listen Lady.
+Uh, Marge, I... I appreciate your advice, but, uh, things have gotten... Well, they... they're a lot worse.
+Now, Ned, troubled boys need rules and discipline. They crave it! You just lay down the law.
+I know, but... they're on their mini-bikes and all...
+Oh, all right, let me talk to them. Put me on with the lead boy.
+Boys... there's a call here for you...
+Hmmm. Oh well.
+Oh, good morning, Maude.
+'Morning, Marge. Ahm... did your husband come home last night?
+Of course he did.
+Really? Oh. Because the thing is, um... mine didn't.
+Oh my God... Ned!
+Yes, Marge.
+Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice. Now he could be in real trouble.
+What happened, now? Did he swallow a paperclip?
+No, he's disappeared. Oh, I'm in way over my head. I mean, where do the helpers turn when they need help?
+Marge, why don't you let me handle this?
+Hello, church basement.
+Yeah, it's Ned Flanders. The teens have been chasing me all night. They finally stopped to gas up their scooters.
+Ned! Where are you?!
+Oh, I can't see the name of the station... but the gas costs one forty-nine and eight tenths.
+Eight tenths?
+Donny's discount gas!
+Thanks for swinging by the house, Reverend.
+Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans?
+I see lotsa stuff.
+Did you see that?
+Looks like we lost him.
+Yeah, well, we proved our point. He'll think twice next time he tries to defend his business.
+I'm sleepy. Let's go to school.
+Oh, they're leaving! The ordeal is over!
+Ned! Ned! Mr. Flanders!
+He... Mista Sparkaru! Mista Sparkaru!
+Konichi-wa.
+That came from Baboon County, U.S.A.!
+Help! What do I do?!
+Play dead!
+No, run around in circles!
+No, act like a lion!
+Swipe at the dominant male! C'mon, Ned, knock that monkey down!
+Jumping kangaroo rats!
+You've got to get him out of there!
+Geez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society...
+They're gonna kill him?
+Eventually. First they'll eat his skin.
+Ook. Ook.
+Tell Maude I want a fancy funeral. Big coffin. Lotsa jewels.
+Look, it's Reverend Lovejoy!
+Thank heavens!
+Entrust your hand to mine, Ned!
+Ook! Ook!
+Oh, oh, thank the Lord! He's truly watching over--
+Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!
+Oh, those poor monkeys.
+They started it!
+You saved me, Reverend. You really went above and beyond. Thank you!
+Oh, don't thank me -- thank Marge Simpson. She taught me that there's more to being a minister than not caring about people.
+...Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right, the speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me, but BIFF! BAM! I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me And that's when I got mad...
+Now that's religion.
+...which, if true, means death for us all.
+And now, "Kent's People". Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a 35-year-old Springfieldite who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down.
+Any office supply company can have them made up for you.
+Can I have this one?
+Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school. He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy, delivering toys to more fortunate children.
+Then, on his 18th birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion.
+During his long recuperation he taught himself to hear and feel pain again. As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day to study science by mail.
+And last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics -- with a minor in determination.
+That's the kind of man I need on my team, Smithers. A real scrapper. A self-made man like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president.
+Yes, sir.
+Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my executive vice president.
+Uh... yes, sir. In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes.
+Th-- the self-made man?
+What? Oh, yes. That fellow. Well, just put him somewhere out of the way and find that dog.
+Yes, sir.
+Chair goes round... chair goes round.
+Hey, Homer, ya busy?
+There's a new guy at the plant.
+Uh, maybe we oughta say "Hi" to him.
+I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick.
+You new?
+Yes. My name is Frank Grimes.
+I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny.
+How do you do.
+Wow. You've got pencils with your name on 'em. Just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these.
+Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one.
+Oh, yeah. Carl and I each have a masters. 'Course old Homer, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant.
+I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was.
+Um... Yeah... Well, listen, I'm... sure we all have a lot of work to do.
+Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip. If you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know.
+Uh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep.
+Oh, yeah, they're always trying to screw ya.
+"MARGE" is already taken? Oh, how about "MARJORIE"?
+Sorry, ma'am.
+How about..."MITZI"?
+Uh-uh... Uh, you can have "NITZI".
+Hmmm... "NITZI"...
+I'm outta here.
+Ladies and gentlemen our next lot is number Seven Fifty-One. How much am I bid for Item Seven Fifty-One -- Seven Five One? Nothing? No bids for Item Seven Fifty-One?
+A buck!
+I have a buck. I have one dollar, one dollar here one dollar one here one dollar do I have two? Sold for a buck!
+Cool! What'd I buy?
+35 Industry Way.
+Looks like my years of hard work have finally paid off.
+Hiya, Stretch! What's the good word?
+My name is Grimes, uh, Simpson. Frank Grimes. I took the trouble to learn your name. The least you can do is learn mine.
+Okay, Grimy!
+You're eating my special dietetic lunch.
+Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
+The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future.
+Simpson, do you know who chewed my...
+Wow! It's filthy... and it's mine.
+So how's it going, Grimy?
+I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson.
+I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME / TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL! So what's new, Grimy?
+Simpson! You've got a 513!
+No! A 513! In your procedures manual! A 513?!
+Look at your control panel!
+Oh. A five THIRTEEN. I'll handle it.
+That got it.
+Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory?
+You don't have a factory.
+Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not?
+God, he eats like a pig!
+I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.
+Well, some kind of farm animal, anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit! Can you imagine that? He was hanging from a coat hook!
+He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.
+I've never seen him do any work around here. Wh... what is his job?
+Safety inspector.
+That irresponsible oaf? A man who, by all rights, should have been killed dozens of times by now?
+Eh, three hundred sixteen times, by my count.
+That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It boggles the mind.
+It's best not to think about it.
+You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!
+Acid, eh? Gee, that would have been stupid. Boy would my face have been red!
+Stop laughing, you imbecile! Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?
+Who did this to my wall?
+He did.
+Is this true?
+I-- well-- uh, technically it is true, Sir, but...
+Come with me.
+He likes you.
+How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid?! Did you really think you were going to get away with it?
+I wasn't...
+Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance -- at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right!
+But, Sir, if I could...
+Hi, Grimy, old buddy.
+I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you. Stay the hell away from me! Because from now on... we're enemies!
+Okay. Do I have to do anything?
+Oh, I can't believe it. I've got an enemy. Me! The most beloved man in Springfield.
+Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
+No, I won't accept that.
+No, it's true. I've got their names written down right here, in what I call my, uh, "enemies list".
+Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey, this is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours.
+Okay, gimme that. Gimme it back!
+Oh, what'll I do, Moe?
+Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner. Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then when he's not expecting it, bam! The old fork in the eye.
+Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?
+There's always a first time.
+This dinner has to go absolutely perfect if Grimy and me are going to be friends. Lisa -- be perfect.
+Marge -- perfect. Bart -- perfect. Other kid -- perfect.
+I only have five lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him?
+No, no. He doesn't know he's coming to dinner. I didn't think he'd come, so I called and said I had something really important to tell him and that I could only tell him about it here.
+It's him! It's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him it's him!...
+Calm down, Homer. Calm down. Answer the door.
+Welcome-to-the-Simpson-residence-or-Casa-De-Simpson-as-I-call-it-heh-heh-heh-heh.
+Yeah. What did you want to see me about, Simpson? This better be important.
+It is. It is. But first let me introduce you to my family. My perfect family.
+This is my wife, Marge...
+... and our beautiful baby. My daughter, Lisa -- I.Q. 156.
+See. And my son, Bart -- he owns a factory downtown.
+How do you do. Look, Homer, I'm I'm late for my night job at the foundry, so if you don't mind telling m... Good heavens! Th-this is a palace. How can... how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?
+I 'unno. Don't ask me how the economy works.
+Yeah, but look at the size of this place. I-I-I live in a single room, above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.
+I... I'm sorry, isn't that...?
+Yeah, that's me all right. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. And this is when I was on tour with The Smashing Pumpkins. Oh, and here's a picture of me in outer space.
+You. Went into outer space. You.
+Sure. You've never been?
+Would you like to see my Grammy Award?
+No! I wouldn't Gaw, I've had to work hard every day of my life. And what do I have to show for it? This briefcase, and this haircut. And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?
+Everything! -- A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes, and lobsters for dinner. And do you deserve any of it? No!
+What are you saying?
+I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible and you leech off decent, hard-working people like me. Ha. If you lived in any other country in the world you'd have starved to death long ago.
+He's got you there, Dad.
+You're a fraud. A... a total fraud.
+It was nice meeting you.
+Wow! Adding machines! Industrial waste! What should we do with all this stuff, Bart?
+I think we both know the answer to that..
+Get to work.
+Wacky shack!
+Better be careful, Bart. Look at those warning signs.
+Solve your problem, Milhouse?
+Homer...
+Homer, why aren't you at work?
+The car won't start. And I don't feel very good today. I am at work.
+You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren't you?
+Wh-- th-- that's crazy talk. You're crazy, Marge. Get off the road.
+You'll have to face him sometime. And when you do, I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are.
+No he won't. He hates me.
+He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily and it's been so difficult for him.
+Yeah, yeah, that's his problem. He's a nut. It's not about me being lazy, it's about him being a crazy nut!
+Well, maybe... but I'll bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more... professional in your work.
+Just a little more... Then he won't have any reason to resent you.
+I'll do it. To professionalism!
+Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later during the designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson.
+Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional.
+Hey, whaddya got against Homer, anyway?
+Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here:
+Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no.
+Aw, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.
+Yeah. Homer's okay. Give him a break.
+No! Homer is not "okay". And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old.
+So, how you doin'?
+Oh, here we go.
+Oh. Design your own power plant, eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am.
+Lenny, tell Mr. Burns I've gone home to work on the contest.
+Oh God!
+Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing?
+I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some kind of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.
+Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?
+Oh, boy! Quittin' time!
+Just a minute, Van Houten. Somebody needs to guard this place tonight so it doesn't get trashed. How'd you like to be night watchman?
+But, I'm sleepy.
+Ah, no problemo. Here's a nickel for the coffee machine.
+So this is my life... At least I've done better than Dad.
+Aw, geez!
+Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman.
+I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over. Then it fell over.
+Wow. I wonder where all the rats are gonna go.
+Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.
+...and the bold, new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today could make thousands of jobs like yours obsolete!
+Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.
+It's pretty good, sir.
+Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant, not Aunt Beulah's Bordello. Thank you. Get out. Next.
+Uh, Ralphy, get off the stage! Sweetheart!
+Behold! The power plant of the future, today!
+Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
+But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now.
+You lose! Get off my property!
+Let's have the next child.
+Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!
+Hey, shhh!
+You're making us miss the contest.
+Could you explain your model, young man?
+What's to explain?! He's an idiot!
+Pipe down!
+Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now...
+Then I added some fins to lower wind resistance. And this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.
+Agreed. First prize.
+Way to go, Homer!
+You're number one, Homer!
+But it-- this was a contest for children!
+Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!
+Oh, I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you!
+I can be lazy, too! Look at me!
+Hi! I'm a worthless employee just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!
+Oooh, I eat like a slob but nobody minds!
+I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise?!
+Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!
+I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh d'oh d'oh!
+Hey, you okay, Grimy?
+I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson.
+You wish.
+Oh, hi, Mr. Burns, I'm the worst worker in the world! Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!
+What's this? "Extremely high voltage"? Well, I don't need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp...
+Frank Grimes, or "Grimy" as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short, I'm sure he's looking down...
+Change the channel, Marge.
+That's our Homer!
+"Spin-off!"... Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as "Son of Sanford and Son" and "AfterMANNIX."
+I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television with a real treat for "Simpsons" fans, if any, because tonight we present... "The Simpsons Spin-off Showcase!"
+Not long ago, the FOX network approached the producers of "The Simpsons" with a simple request: thirty-five new shows to fill a few holes in their programming line-up.
+That's a pretty daunting task! And the producers weren't up to it. Instead, they churned out three "Simpsons" spin-offs, transplanting already popular characters into new locales and situations. First up: a gritty crime drama starring Springfield's beloved Police Chief Wiggum. Keep at least one eye open, 'cause his best friends the Simpsons just might pop in to wish him luck. Let's us wish him luck, too! Good luck, Wiggum!
+Ahhh, New Orleans. The Big Easy. Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old Swampy...
+I still don't understand, Clancy. Why give up your job as a small town police chief to set up a detective shop in New Orleans?
+Oh, lotsa reasons, I s'pose. Got kicked off the force, for one thing.
+For massive corruption.
+For massive corr... Exactly.
+Yeah. As for me, I was born and bred here in the mean streets of "N'Awlins." Oh, sure, I left briefly to take that principal's job in Springfield, but in my heart I... I've always been a small-time hustler.
+I know. That's precisely why I hired you as my leg man, Skinny Boy. I want you to put the word out: Chief Wiggum is here to clean up this crime dump!
+Hmm. Looks like you've already got an enemy, Chief. Y'know, folks 'round here don't much care for law and order types.
+Is that right? Well maybe they'll change their minds once I arrest them for throwing skulls all over my floor.
+Aw, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and a family like so many juggling balls -- two, I s'pose.
+Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
+You wear 'em until you learn, son.
+I gar-ohn-tee!
+Will you stop saying that.
+So, Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my window? What's the word on the street?
+Well, to be honest, Chief, I haven't lived in New Orleans for 42 years. Although... according to an article I read in Parade Magazine, a criminal by the name of "Big Daddy" runs this town.
+Big Daddy, eh? Well, he won't feel so big if he messes with Chief Wiggum, P.I., again. Which I sincerely doubt he will.
+Hey... Oh, God!
+Lucky for you, this was just a warning gator. The next one won't be corked.
+Listen up, Big Daddy! You don't scare me! I'm three steps ahead of you--
+Oh, Chief? Your boy's been kidnapped.
+Oh, God!
+Big Daddy's trademark calling card. See, it's right here inside the skull.
+Looks like we've got our first case ever, Skinny Boy. And this time, it's personal!
+"Chief Wiggum, P.I." will return... right now.
+Who is this?
+It's me, Chief. I'm on the other extension.
+Now you listen up, mon ami, and you listen good, heah? De name's Daddy. Charles Daddy.
+Big Daddy! What've you done with my boy, Daddy?
+Ah, de boy's fine, so far. I taught him to play de spoons.
+...If y'evah want to see dat boy again, I suggest y' leave town today, heah?
+Heh... Sounded like some sort of party going on in the background. Are there any parties today, Skinner?
+Eh, it's not really a party town. Though if I remember correctly, they occasionally hold a function called Mardi... something.
+Well, if it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
+Mardi Gras, man! When the Big Easy calls, ya gotta accept the charges!
+Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop!
+Well, golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair?
+Over there.
+Look, Big Daddy! It's regular daddy!
+De Chief! Ooh. I suppose I best to run. Lord o' mercy, I wish I weren't so fat.
+Police business!
+Hang on, son! I'm coming to-- OW!!! Ow. Geez, my tongue!
+Hah, hah, nyah, nyah.
+Whaddya suppose the rent is on a hideout like that?
+Ah, it's not rented, Chief -- it's stolen. That's the Louisiana Governor's mansion. It's been missing for eight months.
+Welcome to ma maison, Chief. Ah've been expecting you.
+Is that so, Big Daddy? Well expect this: the arrest of you by me.
+Mais cher, New Orleans is ma town! Won't nobody gonna mess with me. I got interests, and I ain't talking 'bout stamp collecting. Though I do find that extremely interesting.
+Oh, yeah? Well that makes two of us.
+Y'know, boys, dere's an old sayin' down on de bayou dat, um -- BLAH!
+He's gradually getting away, Chief.
+Thanks for the lift!
+Ah, let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again, each and every week. Always in more sexy and exciting ways.
+Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.
+Better start eating, kid.
+"Start eating"?!
+I didn't mean it that way...
+Oh, hi! Welcome back to our Spin-off Showcase. Could "The Simpsons" ever have maintained its popularity without Moe the Bartender? Let's hope so, because Moe's leaving to do his own sitcom. But don't panic: he's taking a familiar sidekick with him, and his best friend Homer might just pop in to wish him luck. Let's take a peek...
+Well, ah, I better go. I've got a date with that lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things.
+She told me she was washin' her hair tonight. I'm so desperately lonely.
+Ah, quit your belly-aching, ya big loser!
+Wh... who said that?
+I did. It's me, Abe Simpson.
+But you're dea-d-d-dead.
+I was! But I've come back... as your love testing machine!
+I'm the love-matic Grampa!
+WHILE SHOPPING FOR SOME CANS / AN OLD MAN PASSED AWAY / HE FLOATED UP TOWARD HEAVEN / BUT GOT LOST ALONG THE WAY...
+NOW HE'S THE LOVE-MATIC GRAMPA! / THE WISE SOCRATIC GRAMPA! / AND HE'LL FILL OUR HEARTS WITH LOVE!
+Don't be afraid, Moe. I'm here to help you with your romantic problems.
+Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine. I'll have you know I wrote the book on love.
+Yeah -- "All Quiet On The Western Front!"
+Ahh, kiss my dishrag!
+See? That's your problem. You're a crab. Ladies like sweet talkers.
+Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.
+Barney, where's my car?!!
+Then prove it. I want you to charm the next pretty young thing that walks through that door.
+Ah, grrrreetings!
+Son, it's me! I floated up toward heaven, but got lost along the way!
+Dad? Is that really you?
+Darn tootin', ya lousy fink! You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table! What kind of a son--
+Call me when you get a karaoke machine.
+That's the second time he pulled the plug on me.
+I was just in a car accident. Can I use your phone?
+Uh, usin' the phone's a four-drink minimum.
+What's the matter? I'm making as nice as I can.
+Test- lady. Test-lady.
+G'ahead. Give it a try.
+It goes by how clammy your hands are.
+Well, I suppose I could use a laugh after that accident.
+Lovelorn. You-need-man. Moe-near-now. Go-near- Moe.
+"Go near Moe." I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement. So, how about you and me go out sometime? You know, out back.
+I mean, uh, out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant?
+Sounds great. And if this Love Tester's as accurate as it looks, maybe we'll be having breakfast, too.
+You did it, Grampa! You really are a love expert.
+Dang right! Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War One, and they were looking for a new way to spread germs...
+Sorry, Grampa, but I gotta stash you in the bathroom so Betty won't get wise to us.
+This is not the evening I envisioned.
+Whoa, she just got here. Give me some advice, quick.
+Well, uh, y'know, just be sweet. Pour on the honey. You know.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic. "Ain't sunshine pretty?" "Ain't flowers stupid?" I gotcha.
+I've suffered so long. Why can't I die?
+You know what's great about you, Betty, is you're letting your looks go gracefully. You're not all hung up on looking "attractive" and "desirable". It's just so rare and refreshing.
+So, Moe, tell me a little about yourself.
+Myself? Oh, geez. Um, I gotta go to the can again. I got the runs.
+Hey, get away from that! Leave him alone!
+It said I was gay!
+You all right, Grampa?
+Ohh... "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true..."
+Willya quit yer clownin'?! I need help here.
+Well, tell her her rump's as big as a queen's and twice as fragrant.
+Okay...
+You are absolutely, positively the dumbest haunted love tester that I have ever met!
+What is going on in here?
+Um, ah, oh, g... I might as well come clean with ya. I ain't too good at talking to women, and... and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's inhabited by the ghost of my friend's dead father.
+Why you conniving, devious, monstrous, despicable, sweet little angel.
+Look, Betty, if you just give me a chance... Whh-aaaattt??!!
+I can't believe you went to all that trouble for me!
+Thanks, Grampa!
+Yeah, yeah. Now howzabout introducin' me to that cute little pay phone out front?
+HE'S THE LOVE-MATIC GRAMPA / AND HE FILLED OUR HEARTS WITH LOOOVE!
+Welcome back. I'm talking with the Curator of the Museum of TV and Television, Mr. John Winslow.
+Hello, dear. How was work at the plant?
+In our final spin-off tonight, the Simpson family finally gets the chance to show off the full range of their talents. Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance and refused to participate, but thanks to some creative casting, you won't even notice. Show us what ya got, TV!
+COME ALONG AND BRING THE FAMILY / COME ALONG AND JOIN THE FUN / COME ALONG AND JOIN THE FAMILY / JOIN THE FAMILY SIMP-SON! ROLL CALL!!
+REMEMBER ME? MY NAME IS MARGE! / THE TV MOM WHOSE HAIR IS LARGE!
+STEP BACK, MOM! IT'S BART'S TURN NOW! / EAT MY SHORTS! DON'T HAVE A COW!
+I'M LISA -- PEPPY, BLONDE, AND STUNNING! / SOPHOMORE PROM QUEEN FIVE YEARS RUNNING! GOOOOOO LISA!
+Wait a minute! Whoa, whoa! Stop the music! Where's Dad?
+Here he is!
+I'm hiding from th-th-th-th-the ghost.
+Ghost? What ghost?
+B-b-before the show, you said we were having a Special Ghost tonight!
+I said we were having a special guest tonight -- Mr. Tim Conway.
+What's a Tim Conway?
+Oh, about 120 pounds!
+IT'S THE SIMPSON FAMILY SMILE-TIME VARIETY HOOOOUR!
+You know Homer, we've all been busy as beavers preparing for our very own show.
+Marge, have you ever imagined what it would be like if we really were beavers?
+Yes! And it might look something like this...
+Honey, I'm home!
+It's not a plant, Marge, it's a tree, and I've nearly chewed through it. Now remember, my new boss is coming home for dinner tonight.
+I know. And I made your favorite --
+Stakes!
+Hey, would you two close the dam door?
+But that's where we live -- a dam.
+Look everybody, Maggie got her first tooth!
+Okay. Now, before my boss comes, there's something important you should know --
+In a minute, Homie. I have to get the door.
+But, Marge...!
+Oh, was it something I said?
+Arr! Someone should be keel-hauled for that one!
+I move that the last sketch be stricken from the record. Now bring in the next offender...
+Inflation, trade deficit, horrible war atrocities... how are we supposed to do our big musical number with so many problems in the world?
+Well, I know one thing in this world that's still pure and good.
+Christian love?
+No... Candy! Sweet, sweet candy.
+I WANT CANDY!
+But don't you want to end world famine?
+I WANT CANDY!
+Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon?
+I WANT CANDY!
+Well, if you won't think of society's ills...
+I WANT CANDY!
+At least think of our dentist bills!
+GOT A NEW DANCE AND IT GOES LIKE THIS / AND THE NAME OF THE DANCE IS THE PEPPERMINT TWIST! YEAH!
+LOLLIPOP, LOLLIPOP, OH LOLLY-LOLLYPOP. LOLLIPOP!
+CRACK THAT WHIP! LICORICE WHIP! I SAID WHIP IT! LICORICE WHIP!
+WE WANT CANDY! / WE WANT CANDY!
+CANDY!!
+A Poem. By Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see / My cataracts are blinding me.
+And they thought I stunk!
+Well, it's time to say "good night."
+I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave so soon.
+I'm still here. FOX wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room.
+He's just kidding. We'd like to thank FOX, and the good people at Budget Lodge.
+Well, that's all the time we have. So this is the Simpson family saying: "As you walk down the road of life..."
+Hitchhike -- it's faster!
+Ba-art!
+We're like this all the time!
+Good night, everybody!
+And that's it for our Spin-off Showcase. But what about the show that started it all? How do you keep "The Simpsons" fresh and funny after eight long years? Well, here's what's on tap for Season Nine:
+Magic powers!
+Wedding after wedding after wedding!
+And did someone say "long-lost triplets"?
+So join America's favorite TV family... and a tiny green space alien named Osmodiar that only Homer can see...on FOX this fall. It'll be out-of-this-world! Right, Osmodiar?
+Damn straight, Troy, my man!
+Goodnight, America!
+Sorry, sorry. Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by ten.
+We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the answering machine.
+Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
+Gather 'round kids. We're about to enter the museum...
+...of Crime!
+Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold on to your values as we step through the looking glass into a hippie pot party!
+While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea.
+That's right, she's got the "munchies" for a "California Cheeseburger."
+So the next time you're walking on the beach, enjoying an hourglass, or making cheap, low-grade windshields -- think where we'd be without... sand.
+SAND! SAND! SAND!!
+Okay, that was the sand movie. Now it'll just take me a second to set up our next movie.
+Oh, Miss Hoover, movies are a nice break, but couldn't we be doing something a little more challenging?
+Probably.
+The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.
+I have no objection to man walking on the moon.
+By 1964, experts say man will have established 12 colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations.
+Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what you weigh on Earth.
+Slow down, tubby! You're not on the moon yet.
+The moon belongs to America -- and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astromen. Will YOU be among them?
+Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
+Where's Miss Hoover?
+Hey, her car's gone.
+Maybe she drove to the moon.
+It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two film strips, and an hour and a half of "magazine time." I just don't feel challenged.
+Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining... furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation...
+We're now in the Communications Room or the "ComRoo". Uh, this is a police radio, the single most important piece of equipment in the ComRoo. As you can see, some of the boys like to put their banana stickers all over it. Uh, there's Chiquita, there's Del Monte, there's a BananCo, Gorilla's Choice...
+Now, uh, everyone follow me to my chair, where I just need to get off my feet for a few minutes.
+Ahhhhh... Ohhhhh... I won't be getting up soon.
+Testing...
+Testing...
+Hmm. Hmm. Hey...
+Testing...
+Testing! Testing!
+You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
+When do you expect the ringing will stop?!
+In about ten to fifteen seconds!
+I certainly hope so! That's better.
+Now, about your punishment, young man.
+I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
+No, no! Your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage!
+You're the boss.
+I tell you, Chief, I just don't know what we're going to do with him.
+But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?
+You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?
+Not very.
+No! No drugs. Bart just needs a little discipline.
+Hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave.
+You know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right. Military school is a good idea.
+Wow, I can't believe we're going to Disneyland! Hey, where's all your luggage?
+Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.
+Military school?! You lied to me!
+Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland", but I distinctly said "military school."
+...And that's how we'll mold your boy into a productive member of society through an intensive program of push-ups and formation marching.
+Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
+Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
+Freak-outs?
+If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester?
+Our high standards challenge students to reach their full potential.
+Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the Terra Cotta Warriors of Xian.
+They sure are.
+Ouch! Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
+That's not so disciplined.
+They're just children, Mr. Simpson.
+I guess.
+Truth is beauty, beauty truth, Sir!!
+They're discussing poetry! Oh! We never do that at my school!
+Well, he sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
+Please don't make me stay, Dad! I'll do anything you say! I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
+Leggo my leg.
+Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school.
+And so am I!
+This school has everything I ever wanted.
+Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
+No jail can hold me!
+All right, let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation. You're a girl?
+Gosh darn it, I just don't understand the situation. You're a girl?
+All I want is a chance to prove myself.
+Mmm, in our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. But that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists... Welcome aboard.
+Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jiff.
+I want to quit and come home.
+I want to quit and come home.
+Oh, honey... I heard you the first time.
+Atten-hut!
+Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so we're going to have to make a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here.
+Well, we'll see about that!
+Second, this is now the girls' barracks. So pack your things. You're moving in with Company "L".
+Company "L"? But they smell!
+Yes, we've all heard the chant. Now fall out!
+Sorry. Sorry. I know we'll be friends. Talk about getting off on the wrong foot... heh heh.
+I can't believe they let a girl in.
+Yo, Bart! Over here! Etc.
+Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy. That is why God created hazing.
+What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?!
+Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups?
+Hey, look, it's the school motto.
+"I'll die before I surrender, Tim." Who's Tim?
+Apparently Tim was someone who was with the general moments before he was shot right in the head.
+Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I don't think I can survive here, Lis.
+That's how they want you to feel. But if you just hang in there, they'll eventually accept you.
+Get to work! I want to see my face in that horse's ass.
+Okay, that's long enough. Let's see how they're doing.
+Had enough?
+What say you, men? Has this lowly maggot passed the test?
+Congratulations Bart! / You made it! / You're one of us, Bart!
+Hey, what about me? I'm a lowly maggot!
+Since you attended public school, I'm going to assume that you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.
+Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive, but you missed your last target.
+Haw! Haw!
+You're a born soldier, Simpson. Too bad it doesn't run in your family.
+Could someone help me? It's stuck on "Auto-fire"!
+Platt, do you hear anything?
+Maybe you should just learn to use this.
+If there's a war, just blow on it and I'll come help you.
+I am just calling home, I am not asking to come home.
+Marge? You got that? Marge?!
+Hey, go on, boy. Go get it! Answer the phone! Be a good boy!
+Oh, there's gotta be something on this thing for that thing.
+Simpson.
+Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news!
+Oh, Grampa, you're not busy are you?
+Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the Pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges...And I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the coast guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain.
+And that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.
+Uh-huh. So, anything else you want to talk about?
+I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Anyway, other people need to use the phone.
+Mmm-mmm. I've already talked to her for twenty damn minutes.
+What is it?
+Bart, I got a cassette from Mom and Dad! I thought we could listen to it together.
+Gee, Lis, I'd love to, but this really isn't a good time...
+Bart, who you talking to?
+Lisa. You're talking to Lisa.
+I'm talking to... no one.
+All right, lights out!
+Ow! Dammit! Lights on! Lights on!
+Lights out! Lights out!
+Drop! Drop! Drop! Drop!
+...and don't worry, sweetie, it's very common to be homesick when you're so far away from the people who love you.
+Okay. I'm not gonna give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known! And went crazy as a loon.
+"YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, MY ONLY SUNSHINE / YOU MAKE ME HAPPY, WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY / YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, DEAR / HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU / SO DON'T TAKE MY SUNSHINE AWAY..."
+I'm sorry I froze you out, Lis. I--I just didn't want the guys to think I'd gone soft on the girl issue.
+Ech, I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
+But if you quit, it'll be like an expert knot-tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
+Why'd you say that?
+I dunno. I was just looking at my shoelaces. Look, the point is, you're going to make it, Lis. And I'm going to stick by you.
+Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
+Then I'll just stick by you in secret. Like a sockmaker secretly working on a top secret sock that...
+Will you stop looking at your feet?!
+Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills, and general killing skills.
+My killing teacher says I'm a natural.
+But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day Battle Royale.
+That was prior to 1957, thank you very much, State Supreme Court. Consequently, now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this...
+Meet "The Eliminator." That's a 150 foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60 gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of twelve. The rope is suspended a full forty feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
+This wasn't in the brochure.
+"Meet me at "The Eliminator" after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you.
+That's it, Lis. Now start crawling.
+Oh, it's too hard. My hand is slipping.
+I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.
+I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
+Duh! A challenge I could do.
+It was worth sneaking into town. That was some good corn.
+Hey, Simpson, what are you doing out here?
+Nothin'.
+Nothing?! Doesn't look like nothing!
+Oh yeah? Well, um... what are you doing out here?
+Uh... also nothing.
+Well. Okay.
+Then carry on.
+All right, we will!
+That was close.
+Bees. Bees.
+Bees! Yaargh!
+Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the State Supreme Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross "The Eliminator" is a barbaric and malicious practice.
+Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it. Anderson, you're up!
+Good job, Simpson. Although that's more cursing than I like to hear from a cadet in peacetime.
+Last up, Simpson, Lisa.
+You're going down, Simpson! / Pack your make-up bag! / Hey, Simpson -- Drop in anytime! / What color is your parachute?
+Well, at least they're talking to me...
+Oh, if only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on. Oh, God, I'm delirious!
+Uh, you can make it, Lisa! I know you can! Come on, I know you can do it! Just get your hands back on the rope! It's just a little further! Come on, just a little bit more. Etc. I know you can do it! I believe in you!
+Yes! You thought I couldn't but I could I did! and I could do it again let's do it again!
+Lisa, it's over, you made it. You can put your arms down.
+I can't, they're stuck.
+We're gonna make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester.
+But graduation's in three hours.
+We better go change.
+The wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always, your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. Thank you.
+Well, Bart, uh, did you make sure to return all the guns?
+Sir, yes sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!
+Well, he's got more confidence!
+Uh, yeah. I've always said the boy could use more confidence.
+Lisa, before you go, I want to present you with this.
+A medal? Thank you, Sir!
+For satisfactory completion of the second grade.
+Well, kids, we're so proud of the way you completed military school, we thought this time we'd take you to Disneyland for real!
+Wha-- Uh-oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out, fellas.
+What a day. / Let's get started. / Some serious drinkin'. /
+'Evening, Moe.
+'Morning, Moe.
+Here we are, Mr. Gumbel.
+Yeah, all right. Listen up, guys. The Springfield Police have told me that 91 per cent of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
+Yeah, I know, I know. But the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers.
+We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope.
+Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.
+NOOOOOOOOOO!
+You got the black one.
+Hey everybody, I'm Peter Pantsless!
+I can't take this much longer. I gotta have a beer.
+Oh, no. Oh, no. Not tonight. Not tonight!
+Are you ready to get Duffed?
+Hey, it's Duffman! The guy in a costume that creates awareness of Duff!
+Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in ten thousand Duff labels to bring me here today. I've got a bottomless mug of new "Duff Extra Cold" for... BARNEY GUMBEL!
+Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
+I can't! I'm the designated driver!
+Ehhh... That's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program... Now, who wants to party?!
+Please, I'm trying to drive.
+Hey, let's go to the girls' college!
+No, the Playboy Mansion! Playboy Mansion!
+Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold!
+Oh, that's just drunk talk. Sweet, beautiful drunk talk...
+Goodnight, Barney. Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow. Just slide it under the door.
+Yes. Tomorrow.
+Face it, Homer, the car is gone. Barney ain't never comin' back.
+All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a streetcorner.
+So you lost my car, eh? Well, that's just grand. I ought to punch you in the nose, but I have to pick up my kids at school.
+Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
+Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts.
+Sorry, sorry.
+Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York!
+Throw it away! Nothing good has ever come out of New York City!
+"Dear motorist, your vehicle is illegally parked in the borough of Manhattan..."
+My vehicle!
+"...If you do not remedy this malparkage within 72 hours, your car will be thrown into the East River at your expense."
+Oh, I don't want to go to New York City.
+Why not?
+New York is a hellhole, and you know how I feel about hellholes.
+Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
+Yeah! That's what people do in Russia!
+It's time I told you about a chapter of my life I hoped would be closed forever. I was on my way to the Harrisburg Coat Outlet to buy an irregular coat. But it required a stopover in New York City.
+All I had to do was walk a few blocks from the Port Authority Bus Terminal to my train at Penn Station...
+Anyhow, I must have looked at somebody the wrong way...because the next thing I knew, I was running for my life.
+And that's when the CHUDs came at me.
+Oh, Homer. Of course you'll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the CHUDs.
+Aw, I'd love to see New York. We could all go with the bus company's special Supersitter Fare!
+Nine bucks?! This one's on me.
+Great! We're all going to New York!
+Lousy Bart... his money... All right, New York, I'm coming back. But you're not getting this!
+Dad, our baby pictures were in there!
+Don't you start.
+Wake up, everyone. We're almost there.
+That took too long! How come we had to transfer in Atlanta twice?
+I just think we should have paid the extra dollar-fifty and gotten a bus with restrooms.
+Marge, I can't feel my legs!
+I can't feel my legs!
+Homer! Homer, those legs belong to the man behind you.
+Oh. Hi.
+We're here!
+Wow! I feel like such a nobody.
+It's wall-to-wall landmarks -- the Williamsburg Bridge! Fourth Avenue! Governor's Island!
+Look, it's ZZ Top! You guys rock!
+Eh, maybe a little.
+Now remember, criminals prey on small-town folk like us. So if anyone asks, we're sophisticated millionaires from the Ozarks.
+Homer, you're scaring the children.
+Good. I don't want to spend one extra second in this urban death-maze. You wait here at the bus station while I get the car.
+The bus station is just one of the sights we came to see. We'll meet you in Central Park at five o'clock.
+Oh, all right, but not a minute later -- 'cause once the sun goes down, all the weirdos turn crazy.
+I'm on to you!
+"Your vehicle is illegally parked at One World Trade Plaza." Hmmm...
+Ooohh...
+Wow, Governor's Island looks so insignificant from up here.
+Hey immigrants, beat it! Country's full!
+Okay folks, you heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.
+Stupid city! What the hell is this thing?
+Come off! Come off! Oh, all right, you!
+Hey, when you're done with that, I got something up here you can bite on!
+Hey, why don't ya be polite, ya stinkin' pus-bag! Pal, ya gotta call that number on the boot.
+Sorry about that guy. They stick all the jerks in Tower One.
+That's it! I'm comin' over there!
+Shaddup, the both of youse!
+Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau. To plead not guilty, press "one" now.
+Thank you! Your plea has been --
+REJECTED.
+You will be assessed the full fine plus a small --
+-- LARGE LATENESS PENALTY.
+Please wait by your vehicle between nine a.m. and five p.m. for parking officer Steve --
+-- GRABOWSKI.
+They expect me to sit here from nine to five?! That's how many hours? Ten, eleven, denominator... Oh, where's Lisa when you need her?
+Here's a better idea -- you give me your address, and I'll write to you.
+Uh, okay. Uh, just send it to Jesus, uh, care of the Pentagon.
+I'm so glad we took the subway. "Laser Wart Removal". Wow, the future is here!
+Hey, where's Bart?
+Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry to disturb your pleasant ride, but unlike yourselves, I was born without taste buds. Let me demonstrate.
+I'm in over my head here. Thank you for your time.
+Come on! Pick up the pace!
+Hey! I'm not a bum... Thanks, but I don't need... Okay, if you insist, but... Spare change, lady? Lousy cheapskate...
+So hungry... can't leave car... Huh...
+Getting closer... closer...almost there... Ow!
+Fresh Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash!
+Hey, uh, could you go across the street and get me a slice of pizza?
+No pizza. Only Khlav Kalash.
+Aw, shoot. All right, all right. Give me one bowl.
+No bowl -- stick. Stick.
+Geez! That's just... awful!
+Mmmm. Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
+Mountain Dew or crab juice.
+Blech! Eww! Geesh! I'll take a crab juice.
+Uh-oh. Uhh... You got a men's room in there?
+Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower -- tower! Observation deck.
+But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here. Oh, why did I drink all that crab juice?
+Don't even think about it, pal.
+Are we still in Little Italy?
+Actually, I think we're in Chinatown now.
+Only in New York!
+Mom, are those rabbits dead?
+No. No Lisa, they're just... sleeping. Upside down. And inside out.
+Bart, no fireworks! Put that back!
+You're the boss.
+Oh, no!! Chinese Fire Drill! Serious this time!!
+Come on, boot guy!
+Flushing Meadows...
+Oh, I can't take it anymore. All right, I'll only be gone for a second.
+Frontsies... Backsies... I'm with them... V.I.P... Coming through... Very important person... They gave me frontsies...
+How frightfully rude. I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye.
+AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. Oh, yes. Oh.
+What? "Failure to wait by vehicle: $250."
+Oh no, it's getting dark. Well, that's it. I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me!
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
+Look at all those beautiful shoes! I know they're made from animals, but wow!
+If only I didn't already have a pair of shoes.
+Speaking of shoes, I don't care about shoes. I'll meet you ladies back here in half an hour.
+Okay, Dad...
+Stay where I can see you, honey...
+Excuse me, is this MAD Magazine?
+No, it's "Mademoiselle." We're buying our sign on the installment plan.
+Uh, seriously, though -- my name is Bart Simpson. My father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please.
+It's gonna be dark soon. I'll never make it out of here with this rotten boot on my car.
+Listen, kid. You probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there , but this is just a place of business.
+Oh. Okay.
+Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone! I wanna see their drawings for the "New Kids on the Blecch".
+And where's my furshlugginer pastrami sandwiches?!
+Woooooow. I will never wash these eyes again.
+Get off the road, ya freakin' maniac!
+Yeah, ya jackass!
+Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
+EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL / IN ITS OWN WAY...
+Kickin' It! A Musical Journey Through the Betty Ford Center.
+You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.
+How do you find the defendant?
+HE'S GUILTY OF MAYHEM / EXPOSURE INDECENT /
+FREAKED-OUT BEHAVIOR BOTH CHRONIC AND RECENT /
+DRINKING AND DRIVING / NARCOTICS POSSESSION /
+AND THAT'S JUST PAGE ONE OF HIS TEN-PAGE CONFESSION!
+I SHOULD PUT YOU AWAY / WHERE YOU CAN'T KILL OR MAIM US / BUT THIS IS L.A. / AND YOU'RE RICH AND FA-MOUS...
+I'M CHECKIN' IN!
+HE'S CHECKIN' IN...
+NO MORE PILLS OR ALCOHOL / NO MORE POT OR DEMEROL / NO MORE STINKIN' FUN AT ALL / I'M CHECKIN IN!
+HE'S CHECKIN' IN...
+NO MORE LOOKING PALE AND THIN / NO MORE BUGS BENEATH YOUR SKIN...
+HEY, THAT'S JUST MY AS-PIR-IN!
+CHUCK IT OUT! YOU'RE CHECKING IN!
+When I grow up, I want to be in the Betty Ford Center.
+You better start saving now. It's very expensive.
+Shhh! They're strapping down Liza Minelli.
+Aha! I've got it! Brain, how can I ever thank you?
+Just a minute... Everything's under control... Yes, I'd be upset, too...
+Hey! Hey! Hey!
+The boss says you're fired.
+I'll get him!
+So long, Mr. Boot.
+Come o-o-on! Come o-o-on!
+Die! Die!
+Homer one, New York nothing.
+Thanks for your patience!
+What a perfect way to end our day in New York.
+I hope your father had as much fun as we did.
+My God, that maniac is heading straight for us! Go Secretariat! Go!
+Hey, it's Dad! Right on time!
+We're getting outta here, now! Jump in, Marge! Trust me! Throw the kids! No time for the baby!
+We're not jumping, Homer.
+Come on! Let's go! Everyone into the car! Now!
+Tell your friends to ask for Jimmy.
+What a magical city! Can we come back next year, Dad?
+We'll see, honey.
+We'll see.
+Oh, yeah.
+I have it going on.
+Oh, let the good times roll.
+Good Lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt!
+Oh, Superintendent Chalmers. Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Beverine?
+Yes Mother.
+Yeah, I take it grey, with creamium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night.
+It's my twentieth year, too.
+Ech. The teachers' lounge is for teachers, Willie.
+And for the tribute, I need a volunteer to present an oral report on Principal Skinner's life.
+Miss Hoover? Which one is oral?
+Out of your mouth, Ralph. Volunteers?
+Thank you, Lisa.
+Um, no, Miss Hoover, I'm Ralph!
+I only need one volunteer, Ralph.
+Miss Hoover? Which one is one?
+Ralph and I could do the report together.
+It's your funeral.
+Miss Hoover?
+Bart? Why are you doing that?
+Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his Army days.
+Uh huh, that explains the flags. What about the dog food?
+My theory is, Skinner likes dog food.
+Let's bake him a cake.
+Ooh, a fresh batch of America Balls! Mmm...
+Seymour, tell me what time it is. Now!
+Seven o'clock Friday night, Mother. Time for our weekly silhouette.
+No! Cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp!
+Oh, but you love silhouette night! And then we go through your bird book and make up silly captions and -- Mother, why are you all dressed up?
+I'm sick of this house and I'm sick of you. Tonight we're going for a drive!
+Mmm, what's so special about tonight?
+Nothing! Now put on your special suit and get in the car.
+Why are we stopping at my school, Mother? What does it say on that sign?
+I don't like your tone.
+Surprise! / Happy 20th anniversary, Principal! / etc.
+Happy anniversary, Son.
+Oh Mother, you are still the master of deception.
+I surely am.
+...So in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam, where he rose to become Platoon Sergeant. Ralph?
+Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa?
+Sgt. Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines.
+Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.
+And he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight.
+When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.
+THEY CALL HIM "SKINNER" / "SKINNER" / FASTER THAN LIGHTNING / NO ONE YOU SEE / IS STRICTER THAN HE...
+"Tribute to Seymour Skinner!" Pull over, driver.
+Now, I know the school normally serves cake only on Thursdays. And I'm also well aware that today is Friday. Nevertheless, I have a surprise for you.
+I hope you all brought forks and plates!
+Oh! What the -- an enjoyment buzzer?!
+Oh, thank you. What a wonderful night to share with the people and the town that I love. I have never been happier or prouder to be Seymour Skinner.
+You're not Seymour Skinner!
+Skinner!
+Skinner?
+I'm Skinner!
+Seymour!
+Mother!
+She's my mother!
+Will someone remove that crazy man, please?
+No...No he's, he's not crazy. It's true: I'm, I'm an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner.
+Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?
+Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army.
+It's true. I was in his platoon... But they said you were killed on that scouting mission!
+No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story really. After five years in a secret POW camp, I was sold to China for slave labor, and since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Wuhan.
+That's not a funny story.
+Well I guess you had to be there. Anyhow, the U.N. shut the factory down last week, and the Embassy shipped me home, and here I am.
+So what's your story, Seymour? If that is your real name.
+Well, obviously it isn't. My real name is Armin Tamzarian.
+I'm an orphan from Capitol City, and those who recall my fight to outlaw teenage rudeness may be shocked to learn that I myself was once a "street punk."
+Oh yeah, the way I was headed, it was just a matter of time before I wound up in front of a judge.
+They gave me a choice: jail, the Army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. No, 'course if I'd known there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized.
+Okay, who wants a piece 'a me?
+You trying to get yourself killed, Tamzarian? You've got your whole life ahead of ya! Don't you have any dreams?
+My dreams all involve combing my hair.
+Oh gosh, son, everybody's got dreams.... I come from a town called Springfield, and my dream is to go back and become principal of the elementary school.
+Some people might call that a pretty corny dream. Sergeant.
+Principal Skinner?
+Well there's nothing "corny" about fresh-faced youngsters skippin' to school, scrapin' knees and spellin' bees and pies cooling softly on a windowsill. Well sir, if that's corny, then corn me up.
+Sgt. Skinner took me under his wing and showed me that life was worth living.
+I came to think of him as the big brother I never had. He made me believe I might have a future after all.
+And when they told us he was missing, presumed dead, my future died, once again. My life lost all meaning.
+Come on! Get to the part where you steal his identity!
+Ech, I'm trying to explain how emotionally fragile I was.
+Oh, it's one of those stories.
+Hmm, Sgt. Skinner meant the world to me, and I... I felt it was my duty to deliver the grim news to his mother.
+Hello, I'm uh... I'm --
+Seymour?! Is that you?
+I don't know why I did what I did. I guess I couldn't bear to tell her about her son. What I did was wrong, but I'd do it again.
+Yes, Mother, it's me.
+You look different somehow... but you must be Seymour. Yes. You are Seymour.
+As strange as it sounds, deep down I think she knew I wasn't her son. But the lie made us both happier than the truth ever could have.
+You can have some lima beans as soon as you've cleaned your room. Go!
+Upstairs, third door on the left. Don't walk on the rugs!
+Yes... Mother.
+Don't judge her too harshly, Sergeant. She was a lonely old woman. If you must blame someone, blame me.
+Uh, that's pretty much what I was planning to do there, Armin.
+Well, that's about it. And so for the past 26 years, I've dedicated myself to living out your dream.
+I didn't dream anything about an aqua suit or a lavender shirt. But you did take care of Mom...
+A dagger! A dagger through my heart!
+Oh, here, Mother, let me help you --
+Get your hands off me!
+Please, Mom --
+You too, stranger!
+I'm your son!
+I have no son!
+Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son.
+No, I have one stranger and one fraud!
+Take it easy, Mom--
+I said back off!
+You better do as she says -- she's quick with a hat pin. Ah, well, I suppose I'll have to find a hotel.
+I won't hear of it. Tonight you can sleep on the floor of your office.
+Hey, Armin.
+Mrs. Krabappel sent me. I forged my dad's signature on my report card.
+Oh, now, Bart, you know that's wrong.
+Well, I don't see how me signing Homer's name is any different from you using Sgt. Skinner's name.
+I guess my punishing you would be somewhat hypocritical. Why don't you just write a thirty word essay on what you've done.
+Hey, hey, hey! Easy there, you big impostor.
+So, uh, um, should I sign my original name?
+Just put an X, then call yourself whatever the hell you want.
+Well now, there's no need for profanity. My name may have changed, but I'm still the same man I was last week.
+Not to us you're not. I mean, how would you feel if you suddenly found out Ned Flanders was an impostor?
+Who's Ned Flanders?
+My next-door neighbor? Religious guy?
+Oh, you mean Reverend Lovejoy.
+No I don't! What I mean is, to me you're just a stranger pretending to be something he's not.
+I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel.
+No, don't apologize. It's time I stopped pretending.
+I've called this assembly to announce my retirement, effective as of the end of this sentence.
+This sentence I'm speaking. Right now. Period.
+I wrongfully usurped Sgt. Skinner's position, and I suggest you consider him to replace me. Thank you.
+Well, now I don't know... Skinner, do you know anything about being a principal?
+Well, it's been my lifelong ambition. And if a man pretending to be me could do it, well then logically the real me must be far more qualified.
+Good enough. Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over. Now let us welcome our new Principal Skinner: Principal Seymour Skinner. Ah, him.
+Before I go, I've got some personal items for you: you belong to the Radio Shack Battery Club... Oh, ten Canadian dollars; that's a souvenir from your trip to upstate New York...
+Why you've led quite a life, Tamzarian.
+It's your life. I just kept it warm for you.
+Oh, I nearly forgot -- your pocket watch. Mother's picture is still inside. Take good care of her.
+I'll wind her every day.
+I poached some fish for your trip, Mr. Tamzarian. They're full of tiny bones, so I want you to be careful.
+I will, Moth -- Uh, Mrs. Skinner. Well, I better be going.
+Good evening, Edna. I know we were planning to see a film tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever.
+No, please! I don't care what you've done. You're still a decent, honorable man.
+Mmm, that's the kind of talk that makes me want to marry you.
+But instead, I'm leaving town forever. Good-bye.
+Well, it's time to pick up where I left off. As a no-good street punk.
+Up yours, children!
+Now to recap our top story in its entirety: The adaptable citizens of Springfield have opened their hearts to Principal Seymour Skinner. Who...
+Not that one. Idiots.
+Thank you. Thank you. I must say, in many ways, Springfield really beats the old slave-labor camp.
+I admit Sgt. Skinner seems okay... but Mr. Tamzarian pulled himself up from the streets and earned our respect and admiration.
+He lied about his name.
+His name doesn't matter. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
+Not if you called 'em "stench blossoms".
+Or "crapweeds".
+I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
+Not if they were called "scumdrops".
+Your new principal would like to say a few words. Remember, you have to respect him -- he's a war hero.
+Haw-haw!
+Thank you, Chalmers. You know, where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted than by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together. Why don't you lead us, son?
+Hey America, you're so fine. You're so fine, you blow my mind. America.
+Well, that's very concise, but it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now take a seat, junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service of their country. Mrs. Krabappel? The pledge, please.
+You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant?
+Are you asking me out?
+Ah, 433rd Street, my old neighborhood...
+Fair enough.
+Hel-lo, beautiful!
+In your dreams.
+"Oh yes, oh yes, Capitol City's nakedest ladies. They're not even wearing a smile. Nod suggestively. Yes, six, count 'em, six gorgeous ladies just dying for your leers and catcalls. Yowza, yowza."
+Seymour, it's 7:30! Where were you?
+A bar, Mom.
+I don't know what that is, but on Fridays you come straight home after school. Tonight is silhouette night. Sit there.
+I really just came home to change into a turtleneck.
+Seymour! Sit!
+In the morning. Oh, Mom -- I'm borrowing your car.
+Good morning, Agnes. How's your new son working out?
+That child is the most disobedient, smart-alecky middle-aged man in creation.
+Hello, ladies. Is this the line for people who want to bad-mouth Sgt. Skinner?
+And have ten items or less.
+Twelve... eleven... ten. The man's a weenie.
+Oh, now be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tamzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sgt. Skinner.
+But he was our weenie!
+Now there was a weenie you could be proud to call your son.
+Did you ever tell him that?
+Okay, once more. Where are we going?
+To Capitol City.
+And why are you and the old lady in the car?
+We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
+And why is Marge here?
+I came up with the idea.
+And why am I here?
+Because the streets of Capitol City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
+And why are the kids here?
+Because we couldn't find Grampa to sit for them.
+And why is Grampa here?
+'Cause Jasper didn't wanna come by himself.
+We'll see about that!
+Hello, beautiful.
+My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final.
+Oh, Seymour --
+And I'm not Seymour! My name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment! Armin's liquor! Armin's copy of "Swank"! Armin's frozen peas!
+Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin?
+Yes you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a nogoodnik and I'll die a nogoodnik.
+Seymour!
+I didn't bring you up to use language like that!
+Well, you didn't bring me up at all.
+The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years. I'm the only mother you've ever known!
+But you have your real son--
+You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car!
+Yes, Mother.
+And the rest of you too!
+Yes, Mrs. Skinner.
+Hey, everybody, look! Armin Tamzarian's back and he's gonna take over the school again!
+Now hold on. Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps.
+All right, all right. So, he's a fraud. I don't care! His mom doesn't care! Do any of you care?
+No / Not really / Not very much / etc.
+You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner. This is where I belong. You can't ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better! I gave half my life for you people. Aren't I entitled to a little dignity?
+You're ah... you're right, Sergeant.
+Well, I don't see any way out of this.
+Now, if you'll allow me, I think I have a solution that'll satisfy the town and let Sgt. Skinner keep his dignity.
+But I'm a hero!
+And we salute you for it. Now don't come back.
+I'm sorry, Seymour. It's nice you're alive, but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. I'm glad you understand.
+Well this is a lovely gesture, but we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner.
+Oh no we don't! Judge Snyder?
+By authority of the City of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner, as well as his past, present, future, and mother.
+And I further decree that everything will be just like it was before all this happened, and no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture!
+Here, son. This is yours again....
+I've never been happier or prouder to be Seymour Skinner. But these last few days as that hot-headed rogue Armin Tamzarian have taught me a thing or two. You know, maybe I've been a little too "uptight" in the past. Well, from now on you're gonna to see a new Seymour Skinner--
+Oh no we won't.
+Yes, Mother.
+BOY THE WAY THE BEE GEES PLAYED...
+MOVIES JOHN TRAVOLTA MADE...
+GUESSING HOW MUCH ELVIS WEIGHED...
+THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
+AND YOU KNEW WHERE YOU WERE THEN...
+WATCHING SHOWS LIKE GENTLE BEN...
+MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN LIKE SHERIFF LOBO AGAIN.
+DISCO DUCK AND FLEETWOOD MAC...
+COMING OUT OF MY EIGHT-TRACK...
+MICHAEL JACKSON STILL WAS BLACK...
+THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
+The Simpsons is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
+Hey there, Meathead. What are you watchin'?
+Oh, I thought I'd check out the Warner Brothers Network.
+WE'RE PROUD TO PRESENT / ON THE WB / ANOTHER BAD SHOW / THAT NO ONE WILL SEEEEE! I NEED A DRINK.
+It's the TV movie of the year! "The Krusty the clown Story: Booze, Drugs, Guns, Lies, Blackmail And Laughter."
+Starring Fyvush Finkel as Krusty the Clown.
+I went through a five year orgy of non-stop pills and booze with nothing to show for it but four Emmys and a Peabody Award!
+All right! They're gonna show his disastrous marriage to Mia Farrow!
+Chan Ho--your mother Mia and I are getting a divorce.
+Chan Ho is over there. I am Chin Ho.
+Whoever you are, just pass it along, kid.
+What a bad father.
+Lisa, knock off that racket!
+But Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day!
+I'll practice you!
+You'll practice me? What does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of threat?
+Bart, make her stop.
+Look, Bart. I have to practice my saxophone and you can't stop me.
+Oh yeah? My dear Lisa, you are eight and I am ten. And in my two extra years on this planet, I've learned a few tricks. Gimme that sax!
+I said gimme!
+I said no!
+Haw haw!
+Aw, Lisa, it doesn't look so bad.
+Oh yeah?
+Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves.
+Don't worry, son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves.
+Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I've had it for as long as I can remember.
+You don't remember how you got it?
+Nuh-uh.
+Oh, well, it all happened in 1990. Back then, the artist formerly known as Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches, and crudely-drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school...
+Look, Mama!
+Oh, honey, I can't right now. Bart's gonna be late!
+Now, son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me...
+Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
+Lousy traumatic childhood.
+Ooh, there's the bus. Goodbye, sweetheart!
+School will be fun!
+Welcome kindergartners. I'm Principal Sinner... Skinner.
+Well, that's it. I've lost them forever. Now I'd like to introduce you to Lunchlady Doris, who will serve you healthy, nutritious meals...
+Yeah, right.
+...Miss Phipps, the school nurse, who will provide ointments and unguents...and Jimbo, the school bully who will administer noogies and nipple twisters.
+I look forward to whaling on all of you.
+THERE WAS A FARMER HAD A DOG / AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!
+B-I- -O
+B-I---O
+AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!
+Added extra clap. Not college material.
+Hey! Wee Bairn! Hie ye hence from me heath! Can't ya understand English!
+Hi honey! How was your first day of school? Honey?
+BART WAS FEELING MIGHTY BLUE...
+IT'S A SHAME WHAT SCHOOL CAN DO.
+FOR NO REASON HERE'S APU --
+THOSE WERE THE DAYYYYYS.
+And that, my children, is the story of Bart's first day of school.
+Very nice.
+Yeah. Except you were supposed to be telling the story of how I got my saxophone!
+Homer, I can't get the baby to burp. Could you try for a while?
+No problem. I'll just give her a sip of beer. Come on Maggie -- it's Miller time! Yes-it's-Mil-ler-time!
+Oh, my father gave me beer as a child. Till I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.
+Let's never drink again.
+And we never did.
+Mom, can you tell me the story of how I got my saxophone and not have it turn into a story about Bart!
+Sure, honey. Bart had just completed his first day at school. And Bart just...
+Hey, she's just giving the public what it wants. Bart by the barrel ful.
+Sorry, Lisa. It's just how the story goes. No matter what Bart tried, he just couldn't fit in at school.
+A, B, C... Uh... line?
+D, E... Um... line?
+F, Bart. And believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of 'em.
+Bart, would you like to read a book?
+Would you like to color something?
+That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.
+Brilliant! I have absolutely no idea what's going on.
+Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did.
+Oh, it's beautiful! Oh! Oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!
+Homer stop! Would you please look at the drawing?
+Oh, all right. What a- Burn it! Send it to Hell!
+I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.
+Get it away!
+Bart, son. You wanna play catch?
+When a boy doesn't want to play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong.
+I'll play catch with you, son.
+Get the hell out.
+I'm gone.
+Mrs. Simpson, physically your son is as sound as a dollar. I'm afraid Bart's severe emotional dysfunction stems from a deep-seated psychological trauma.
+With nowhere else to turn, we went to see the school psychologist...
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
+Bart's gay?
+Bart? Uh, whoo, wrong file.
+Uh, look, th-the point I'm trying to make here is that Bart must learn to be less of an individual and more a faceless slug...
+Hmm. Lisa, how old are you?
+I am three and three eighths!
+Hm. Lisa, if I have five apples and I take away three apples, how many apples do I have left?
+Two apples!
+Wait a minute... she's right!
+Heh, very good.
+Marge, Homer, I believe your Lisa may be gifted.
+That's wonderful! But still, can't you do anything for Bart?
+Marge, he's five. His life is over. Lisa's the wave of the future.
+Wave of da future!
+That's right, honey. If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do.
+Wow. Just think of the possibilities.
+Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize.
+Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize for Kickboxing.
+Uh... I'll give you the address of a nice pre-school.
+Cross my heart and hope to die / Here's the digits that make "pi." Three point one four one five nine two six, five, three, five eight nine seven nine three two three eight four six...
+I can assure you our preschool is of the highest quality. Over seventy-five per cent of our graduates go on to first grade.
+Well, our little girl has a gift and we're willing to do what it takes to help her.
+Very good. Once we receive your six thousand dollar tuition check, she's in.
+I'll give ya fifty bucks.
+Our fee is non-negotiable.
+Seventy-five.
+Look, I knew private school would be expensive but I was hoping we could get a scholarship of some sort.
+Sorry. I don't have anything to offer you unless you're a member of a minority group.
+Excellente! Muchas gracias, Señorata!
+Come on, honey. I guess this is a world you'll never know.
+Our family was suffering through its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.
+Uh, Homer? It's five years later and I'm still miserable at school.
+And my gifts are still going to waste.
+And sometimes I feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream till my lungs explode! Uh... I'll go start dinner now.
+You do that.
+Dad, what are you doin' here?
+Looking for my teeth.
+Gimme those!
+Better wash these off. Ah, the hell with it.
+Well, Grampa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five and Lisa was three.
+Oh, I know this story! The year is nineteen-aught-six. The President is the Divine Miss Sarah Bernhardt. And all over America, people were doing a dance called the Funky Grampa! Oh I'm the --
+Yeeesss. Well, as if our troubles weren't bad enough, Springfield was going through an unseasonable heat wave...
+And so, Springfield's heat wave continues with today's temperature exceeding the record for this date, set way back four billion years ago when the earth was just a ball of molten lava.
+Ohhh. So hottt.
+Homer, have you seen the frozen peas?
+Uhh... you keep 'em. Now listen. If we can't afford private school, maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. Umm, an art class... ballet lessons... they have some fun things you could do at the Museum on Saturday...
+Uh-uh. Forget it Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a Museum. Unless... Museums don't have foosball, do they?
+You lose, Michelangelo's David. Who's next?
+I guess it doesn't matter. All these things cost money and we just don't have it. Unless...
+Unless what?
+Well, there's that two hundred dollars we've been saving for the new air conditioner.
+Oh, Marge, but we've needed a new air conditioner for years! And our stopgap solution is getting cranky.
+I cannot believe this. I'm trying to give our daughter a head start in life and you aren't helping a bit.
+Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
+Balzac!
+No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.
+But Balzac is the name--
+Up up up up up up up. If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts y... how does the rest of that go?
+Please, just promise you won't buy an air conditioner till we've figured out a way to help Lisa.
+All right, all right, I promise. There must be another way to get an air conditioner...
+Mmmm... re-circulated air.
+Uh... Homer?
+What, Flanders.
+Well, sir, I hate to be a Suspicious Aloysius on you, but did you steal my air conditioner?
+Well, I admit it looks bad, Flanders, but haven't you heard of "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?"
+Got him, Dad!
+And so, just as things looked their worst...
+...I realized I could make money selling my medication to Deadheads!
+Grampa, what are you talking about?
+Uh, nothing.
+As I was saying, things couldn't be worse for Lisa or Bart...
+And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan! So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
+Even me?
+Uh... hi.
+Uh, that's a parasol.
+I have soy milk. The doctor says the real kind could kill me.
+I wish I was interesting like you.
+You're funny.
+Yeah, and the world needs a clown.
+Doody. Booger.
+Man, that is killer material.
+Skinner is a nut! He has a rubber butt!
+Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.
+Now, I want you to knock off that potty talk right now.
+The principal said potty!
+You listen to me, son. You've just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life. Now what do you say?
+Eat my shorts!
+All right, I'll eat--eat your shorts?!
+Yeah, eat my shorts. Buttman... da da da da da da da da... Buttman.
+Buttman!?
+He's the greatest showman since that kid who eats worms.
+My fifteen minutes of fame are over.
+Well, Moe, this is it. Today's the day I get my new air conditioner.
+Congratulations. Who's the little chick?
+I'm Lisa!
+She has a gift.
+You have thirteen pickled eggs in this jar! And one cockroach!
+Who are you, sweetheart, the health inspector?
+No, but I am.
+Uh... here, have a margarita.
+Help us, Homer!
+Yeah, help us, ya fat yutz!
+Wowww...
+A musical instrument? Could that be a way to encourage a gifted child? Just give me a sign!
+Eh, works for me.
+So what do you like, Lisa? Viomalin... tubamaba... obomoboe?
+That one!
+Ohh! Saxomophone.
+Two hundred dollars!
+Oh, I'll take it.
+Would you like an inscription, sir?
+Yeah. "To Lisa. Never forget your Daddy loves ."
+...and that inscription is still there today.
+Wow. So that's how Lisa got her sax.
+Next, I'll tell you the origin of Maggie's pacifier.
+What "origin"? We get 'em for a dollar ninety-five down at the Safeway.
+Well, I really liked that story. But it still doesn't fix this.
+You know, Homer... I think we have some money in the air conditioner account again, hmmm?
+Ohhhh, but Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
+Yeah, not to mention lookin' like a pig, eatin' like a pig...
+Don't forget the smell!
+Will you get off my front lawn?
+Why don't you make me?
+Why -- oh, I give up.
+Well, don't worry about me, Dad. It's not how it looks, it's how it sounds.
+Well, sir, we got a scorcher today. And to cool off, nothin' beats Fruitopia, the iced tea brewed by hippies but distributed by a heartless multinational corporation!
+"Dear Lisa, May your new saxophone bring you years of D'oh!"
+You're a good father.
+I learned from the master.
+Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? I'm not kiddin'-- I can't see! My retinas have detached again!
+He's blind as a bat!
+Lisa! Enough saxomophone already!
+...and that's how an heroic hippo became a deputy.
+Stupid hippo.
+This just in: tensions continue to mount between Springfield and France over Mayor Quimby's now famous "frog's legs" joke. The French President has threatened swift and massive retaliation if he doesn't receive an immediate apology.
+Stupid frog.
+We now go live to City Hall for Mayor Quimby's response.
+I stand by my ethnic slur. Do your worst you filthy, pretentious savages!
+Homer, you know how unpredictable the French are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next they're chopping off her head. What if they start a war?
+Relax, I built a bomb shelter.
+That's not gonna protect us from anything.
+Fine, then don't use it.
+I won't.
+I know it's good.
+So do I.
+I'm happy for you.
+You should be.
+Now this baby is called "The Withstandinator". It can take a six megaton blast, no more, no less.
+Blankets, radio... Oh, a Gary Larson calendar. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I--don't get it.
+Sacre bleu! We will show those stupid Americans who looks like zee frog, eh?
+Ready, aim...
+What the hell was that?!
+Calling home planet. This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed.
+Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down...
+I'll bet I get blamed for this.
+But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds.
+Oh, I've wasted my life.
+You call that prime rib?
+It's green, moron. Earth to stupid guy, hullo? Maybe a little friendly punching will move your ass.
+Heh, still got it...
+Geez, what's with all the death?
+Oh my God. Everyone's gone! Little Bart...
+Little Lisa-a-a...
+Little Marge...
+And the rest.
+Oh, I've lost everything. I can't go on. No, no, no! I can't just wallow in sadness. It's time to laugh again. I'm the last man alive!
+And I can do everything I've always wanted!
+Oh Spade, why did you put Farley in charge of the bees? Hey buddy, down in front.
+"War! Hunh! Good God y'all! / What is it good for? / Absolutely nothin'! Say it again!" Okay!
+Hey, what happened to the tunes?
+Hey, what the hell's goin' on? Where'd you get those cloaks?
+Silence! You're talking too loud.
+Not everyone died in the blast, Homer. Some of us were merely horribly mutated.
+You're mutants?
+Ah, we don't like the word "mutants," Homer. We prefer "freaks" or "monsters."
+We're creating a new perfect society, in which the mistakes of the past will be eliminated.
+And now you must die.
+You want me? Come and get me!!
+Get him!
+A c... a coffin!
+Die, you chalk-faced goons!
+Come on, we just wanna eat your skin!
+Go to hell, cloaky!
+Safe at last.
+That better not be the mutants.
+Homie, is that you?
+Marge! Kids! You're alive!
+All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter.
+Ohh, com'ere.
+Kinda brings a tear to your eye socket.
+Um-hm, in the midst of all the killing and skin-eating, somehow, we forgot the love.
+Yeah, ain't that always the way? You get nuts with the skin eating.
+You know, I don't see any reason why Freaks and Norms can't get along.
+Yes, I think he's right. / Um-hm. / Yeah, why not? / Yes. / Yeah.
+We can all work together to... to build a Utopian society, free of violence, hate, and prejudice.
+That sounds beautiful, Ned. And let me just say, my family and I share your vision for a better NOW!
+Friends with mutants, right.
+Now that's the Marge I married.
+So, who wants to steal some Ferraris?
+Yo! / Yayyy! I do! / I do! / Right here! / Yay! / I do! / Let's go!
+Okay, now let's not jump to conclusions, everyone.
+Wow, look at all these gadgets! If I were a nerd, I'd be in heaven.
+Good morning, ma'am. Good afternoon, sir. It passed noon while I was speaking, so that was technically accurate.
+He's crazy.
+Hey Einstein , how much for the mood pants?
+Buuuhll... how much you got?
+Nice try, Floyd. But you were designed for scrubbing, and scrubbing is what you shall do.
+I take it from that little impressed noise that you are interested in purchasing that matter transporter, sir.
+Hmmm, two bucks... And it only transports matter? Umm... Well, ah... I'll give you 35 cents.
+Sold! But I must warn you, this device carries a frighteningly high risk of catastrophic...
+I said I'll take it.
+This mountain of stairs used to make bedtime a grueling chore. But not any more, baby!
+Good night, losers!
+Man, how'd I live without this thing?
+Oh, man that's good.
+Homer, no!
+Hey Dad, can I use the transporter sometime? Please, I swear I'll be careful.
+Sorry, but this is a highly sophistimicated doowhackey. If you don't use it responsibly... Kablamo!
+Ow! Someone just punched me in the face!
+It was your mother.
+Okay, cat. Now, if this works, your next trip will be to the bank vault.
+Whoa, cool! Twice the pet and none of the mess.
+Ohh. Uhl. You can be Lisa's.
+Look in the sky! It's Superfly!
+I'd be stupid not to do this.
+It worked! I was hoping to be humongous. Oh well, at least I don't have two butts.
+What's going on down there? What's all this mist?
+Oh! Ow! Uh!
+Bart, are you in there? Have you forgotten our little "kablamo" talk?
+Bluggh! Blarrr!
+Mom, stop! According to this, it says Bart mixed up his DNA with a fly's. I think that's Bart!
+Bluggh? Blarrr! Blagh!
+I think she's right. The pants are a dead giveaway.
+Oh, well, he may be a horrible freak, but he's still my son. I'm sure we'll grow to accept him in time.
+Homer, stop that!
+So then Lenny says, "As if! Don't even go there, sister."
+Good one, Dad.
+Yeah, well Lenny said it.
+Blaahh!
+Ohh, you want more syrup, honey?
+There's one thing I still don't understand. When Bart went through the transporter, what happened to his head?
+Eh, it'll turn up somewhere.
+Help me! Help meeeee!
+Sucker!
+Okay, okay. It's your sugar, Bart.
+That imposter!
+Mom! Dad! I'm the real Bart! That's just some overgrown fly with my body! Somebody listen to me!
+Mm! Shoo! Shoo, fly!
+Listen, buddy -- this is all a mistake. If you'll just go through the transporter with me again, we'll have you back eating garbage in no time.
+BLARRGH!
+Get 'im, boy! Smash that fly! Mush him up good!
+Nice work, son.
+Bart! Is that you?!
+I can't hear you. Wait! Fly into my saxophone!
+Help me, Lis! That giant fly stole my body, and now he's trying to kill me!
+Oh no! And I let him use my toothbrush! Well, that hideous creep doesn't scare me.
+Mom, Dad, help! He's trying to kill me!
+Nobody likes a tattletale, honey.
+They're like this every rainy day.
+Get my filthy hands off my sister!
+Whoa! No! Don't eat me! You don't know where I've been!
+You just made a big mistake, Fly Boy.
+Hey! It worked!
+Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe aren't meant to be trifled with.
+Homer, what are you doing?
+Something I should have done a long time ago.
+I'll teach you to mess with my machine!
+I'm gonna chop you good!
+That cost me 35 cents!
+You're just making it worse. I promise I won't hurt you.
+You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.
+Fire it up, boys.
+Haw haw.
+See you in hell, Seymour.
+Goodbye, Mother.
+How horrible.
+If they're really witches, why don't they use their powers to escape?
+That sounds like witch talk to me, Lisa.
+Never mind.
+Well, that's seventy-five witches we've processed. That oughta show God whose side we're on, eh Pastor?
+Yes, Nedwin, but we have many more strumpets to incinerate.
+Brothers and sisters - there is still a witch among us.
+Let us throw open the floor to, ah, wild accusations.
+Woo hoo! I accuse Goody Flanders.
+I accuse Goody Badwife.
+Uh, we killed her on Sunday.
+Well, there must be someone here we can accuse.
+Lisa Simpson!
+Bart, quit it!
+She put a spell on me!
+Must-drop-pantaloons.
+Let's come to our senses, everyone. This witch hunt is turning into a circus.
+She's the witch!
+Yeah! / Yes! She's the witch!
+I was just about to accuse her.
+This is crazy! I'm not a witch!
+Ha! Then how come your laundry is always much whiter than mine?!
+Oh, I've heard enough! Burn her!
+Burn her! / Burn her! / Put the match to her! /
+People, let us not turn into an angry mob. Goody Simpson is entitled to due process.
+Okay, here's how the process works. You sit on the broom and we shove you off the cliff.
+Well, hear me out. If you're innocent, you will fall to an honorable Christian death. If, however, you are the bride of Satan, you will surely fly your broom to safety. At that point you will report back here for torture and beheading.
+Tough, but fair.
+Stop! Doesn't the Bible say "Judge not lest ye be judged"?
+/ Ohh... / That's a good point. / Hmmm... / Yeah.
+The bible says a lot of things.... Shove her.
+Brothers and sisters, we have performed the Lord's work, and sent a good woman into his waiting...
+Well, I'll be a son of a witch!
+That's right, I'm a witch! And I'm the one who withered your livestock, soured your sheeps' milk and made your shirts itchy.
+Hey, you destroyed my turnip crop.
+No, that was gophers.
+Impossible. We, we burned all the gophers.
+Not all of them...
+And this is for pushing me off the cliff.
+All right, people. Nothin' to see here.
+Yeah, show's over, all right. Move along.
+As for the rest of you...
+They're in my hair! They're in my hair!
+This needs more eye of newt.
+You always want more eye of newt. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes.
+Well, look who's here. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cat.
+What a day! They found out I was a witch so I had to leave my family.
+Really? So you finally left Durwood?
+His name is Homer.
+Oh, Neddy, look at them up there plotting our doom. They could force us to commit wanton acts of carnality.
+Yeah, that'll be the day.
+What's that, Ned?
+Ah, we shouldn't fear the witches, Maude. We're both 35. We've already gone way past our life expectancy...
+But think of the children! I've heard that witches come to your house and take your children away to eat them!
+Hmm... "Eat their children?"
+Geez, we were just gonna swipe their shoes.
+But a good idea is a good idea.
+Who is it?
+Witches.
+Um, what do you want?
+We're here to eat your kids.
+Okay, come on in... and look at this!
+Oh, puh-leeze.
+Now make with the kids.
+Don't blame yourself, Daddy.
+You did everything you could.
+Maude, do something.
+Uh. Um, well, s'cuse me, are you sure you ladies wouldn't prefer some gingerbread children instead?
+They're boneless.
+Bye, witchies. Thanks for not eating me.
+Yeah, you hags are all right.
+What did you get?
+Candied apple!
+I got a caramel cod!
+Mm, ya know, scaring people into giving us treats is fun. We should do this every year.
+I just wish we hadn't filled up on all those kids before we got to the Flanders'.
+Yar... and that's the story of the very first caramel cod. I mean, Halloween. And it wasn't long before this yearly custom became an annual tradition.
+C'mon, give us some candy. Don't pretend you're not home!
+Dad, that's our house.
+She's a witch!
+Get her! Get her! / She's a witch! / Yeah, burn her!
+OPEN WIDE FOR SOME SOCCERRRR!
+The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all here. Fast kickin', low scorin', and ties? You bet!
+Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
+I don't know.
+You'll see all your favorite soccer stars like: Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
+Oh, I've never heard of those people.
+And they'll all be signin' autographs.
+Woo hoo!
+This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal.
+Can we go, Dad? / Please Dad? / Please, please, please? / Can we go, huh, huh please? /
+Yes, yes, oh God yes!
+Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.
+It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.
+Yo Paella Man! Wing one up here!
+Hey look. It's Pelé!
+Pelé is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield wax paper.
+Bo-ring!
+Come on you schnorers, do something!
+Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it... holds it... holds it...
+Halfback passes to center. Back to wing. Back to center. Center holds it... holds it... holds it...
+I can't bear this any longer. I'm leaving.
+Not before me, you ain't.
+Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone.
+Oh, that's it. You're dead, pal.
+Hey, now. That's uncalled for.
+Shut your hole, Skinner.
+Ooo... Ow!
+Ooo... / Ow! / Hey! Oh! /
+Ach! They call this a soccer riot? C'mon, boys. Let's take 'em to school!
+Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
+Homer. We gotta get out of here.
+Oh, but I want to do some rioting.
+Jobbers cobknots ya mucker!
+All done.
+I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.
+What began as a traditional soccer riot has escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So for the next several years, it's every family for itself.
+Ex... ex... excuse me, sir? I think you've got my TV. Sir?
+Somebody's gotta stop them!
+Let's wait until they burn the school down.
+Oh my God, Homer! They're right next door!
+Relax, Marge. If someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know.
+Watch the fish, Marge.
+Looks like you called me ju-uust in time. This home isn't secure at all.
+What did I tell you, Marge?
+Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries.
+Did you change the locks when you moved in? Nah, I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere.
+What do you recommend?
+Well, a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good but doesn't provide any real protection.
+Oh, let's get that.
+But if you really want to sleep easy at night, I recommend sealing off every door and window with bullet-proof Lucite.
+Wouldn't we all suffocate?
+Well, I should hope not!
+Let's get that! The suffocation thing!
+And you can have it all for just five hundred dollars.
+Five hundred dollars! Forget it.
+But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives.
+I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
+Homer, we need something to protect this family.
+I couldn't agree more, Marjorie. You deserve peace of mind and peace of mind is what you shall have.
+Aisle six, next to the sympathy cards.
+Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley.
+I don't have to be careful, I got a gun.
+Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit: holster...
+Oh, yeah.
+Bandoleer...
+Silencer...
+Mmm-hmm.
+Loudener...
+Speed-cocker...
+Ooo, I like the sound of that.
+And this is for shooting down police helicopters.
+Oh, I don't need anything like that - yet. Just gimme my gun.
+Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
+Five days! But I'm mad now!
+I'd kill you if I had my gun.
+Yeah, well, you don't.
+Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns.
+Well, if he didn't have any guns, I'd show him a thing or two.
+Let's see what happens when he walks into my store. Then we'll see who's worried about five day waiting period...
+Dad! It's three A.M.! Can't you mutter in your room?
+Marge kicked me out.
+All right. Go ahead.
+Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house. I tell you parents these days, they don't know how to rear children.
+How am I supposed to last five days without shooting something?
+Come on, come on, open up!
+Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.
+Well, let's see here, uh, according to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...
+Frequent problems with alcohol...
+You beat up President Bush.
+Former President.
+Potentially dangerous?
+Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.
+Woo hoo!
+Close your eyes Marge, I've got a surprise for you.
+Okay. Open your eyes!
+Hey, it's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger... and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die...
+Homer, I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
+I thought Smithers did it.
+That would have made a lot more sense.
+Hey Dad, can I borrow the gun tomorrow? I want to scare that old security guard at the bank.
+Only if you clean your room.
+No! No one's using this gun. The TV said, you're 58 per cent more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder.
+TV said that? But I have to have a gun. It's in the Constitution.
+Dad! The 2nd Amendment is just a remnant from Revolutionary days. It has no meaning today.
+You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? Huh? Do you?
+All right, then.
+I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons.
+A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife or a harpoon or... a... a... an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what: you come with me to an NRA meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.
+No, thanks!
+Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super-animals, such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel.
+Learnin' somethin', Marge?
+Uh, hi, I'm Moe S.
+Hi, Moe.
+Yeah so, last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.
+Whatever did you do, Moe?
+Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine.
+Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp.
+Hi, I'm Homer S.
+Hi, Homer.
+Hi. It seems to me if a gun can protect something as important as a bar, it's good enough to protect my family. So if you'll have me, I would like to become a lifetime member of your wonderful organization!
+Woo! / Yeah! / Way to go! /
+Homer, you can't join up with these gun nuts.
+Oh, come on, be fair Marge. For once in your life, be fair.
+My fault.
+Oh, don't shoot. Just take the money and get out.
+What? Oh Apu, I would never...
+Or would I?
+I'll do it! I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart.
+All right, put your... Oh well, I'll rob it next time.
+Can you help me get my ball down from the roof, Dad?
+Sure thing, honey.
+You want me to get the cat down?
+Missed one, Dad.
+See you in hell, dinner plate.
+Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
+Uhmm...
+Mmm, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA get-together?
+Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
+You said the breakfast table.
+It's the same table!
+Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
+Oops, guess it already was on.
+Uh. I'd better just put it down.
+No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.
+Homer, I think you'd agree that I've put up with a lot in this marriage.
+But this is the first time since we've been married that I've actually feared for our lives. So I'm asking you, if you really care about me and the children, please, please get rid of the gun.
+All right, Marge. I'll do it. For you.
+I'm a lucky woman.
+And I'm a wonderful man.
+I don't feel them.
+You said there'd be fudge-icles, Bart. Where's the fudge-icles?
+First, it's fudge-cicle... And I know they're up there. I just need a better foothold.
+And the next marksman is... William Tell, Jr.!
+Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.
+You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun!
+I put it in a safe place, Marge. I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?
+How could you?! Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst... the most despicable...
+But Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!
+Until you decide what's more important - your gun or your family - we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.
+So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go! I'll be just fine!
+Do you know how to cook dinner?
+I've left Homer.
+Thank God.
+So we need a place to spend the night.
+Try the Sleep-Eazy Motel. I woke up there once. Seemed nice.
+Why can't we stay here?
+Uh, we have a gentleman caller.
+Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged! What the...
+Ooo, the gun club's gonna be here any minute!
+They're here! They're here!
+Hiya, Homer. I brung ya a big bag of irregular Oreos.
+I don't see what's wrong with this one. Oh.
+Lookin' for a good time, sailor?
+I certainly am.
+No you're not. He's really not.
+And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns.
+Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies.
+Anyone else want a beer?
+Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?
+I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV.
+I've never seen such recklessness!
+You might'a hurt someone!
+Are you some kind of moron?
+Yeah, but...
+Hey, yutz. Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.
+Your membership card please, Homer.
+I'll also need to remove your tattoo.
+I didn't get one yet.
+Now, since you're no longer a member, please go outside until the meeting is over.
+Hey, we got a pool!
+Can we go swimmin', Mom?
+Not right now, dear.
+Wow! The TV's coin-operated.
+And so is the Bible!
+I'd like to order a wake-up call, please... three AM... ah, for every room except this one... that's right. Goodnight.
+Always love tryin' out new material on the road.
+No way are you gonna to beat me this time, Lis!
+Yes I am! Come on, Spotty!
+Come on, Smelly!
+This gun cost me everything. My wife, my kids... everything but my precious, precious gun.
+This stinks. I want my family back.
+Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling?
+No. Go back to sleep.
+This bed is making me nauseous. Why won't it stop?!
+Honey, it'll be morning soon. Try and get some sleep.
+Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night?
+All right. Vote Quimby.
+Marge? Sorry. Marge? Oh, sorry. Marge?
+Vote Quimby.
+Down here, Homer.
+Oh, Marge, there's so many things I want to yell to you!
+Come down here.
+Oh-ho, confused, would we?
+Oh, honey, please come home. I need you. It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome. And there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks.
+What about the gun?
+It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection if you've got no one to protect?
+Oh, Homie.
+C'mon, kids. We're goin' home.
+Okey doke, here's your bill. And your Continental Breakfast.
+All right, everybody, hands up! You - give me the cash drawer.
+Do what he says. I'm too rich to die.
+Freeze, bad guy!
+Vote Quimby.
+Okay, man, don't shoot. Chill.
+Homer! You said you got rid of the gun. You lied to me! Again!
+I know I said that, but what I secretly meant was...
+The joke's on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing.
+Yo, give me the bullets.
+Okay, don't shoot!
+Drop it!
+How did you know we were being robbed?
+The clerk here pressed the silent alarm and we picked it up on our scanner.
+Did anyone stop that robber?
+No, I don't think so.
+I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun. So please, get rid of it, because I know I'll just lie to you again and again!
+Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer. But I'm more concerned about your gravy level.
+Now wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!
+Well, you're a little confused.
+Okay, gentlemen, I want you to raise your hand when you hear the tone.
+You can't tell me what to do!
+Nothin' yettt...
+Now make no mistake. When I say "first aid," I'm not talking about some sort of charity rock concert!
+I'm talking about treating serious injuries.
+Serious injuries. Oh, that's gold.
+Mom, mom. I stepped in a bear trap.
+Sounds like you need some first aid.
+Ohhh. / Bravo. / All right.
+Come on. You can't do one sit-up?
+I loved your last McBain movie, Mr. Wolfcastle.
+Quit stalling, fatty.
+We can wait.
+Come to Papa.
+C'mon! Even my fat mama can touch her toes.
+Hey, Bart. We wear the same underpants.
+Results from yesterday's Health Fair are in and the news is not good. Springfield is in terrible shape, particularly our young boys.
+Hey, Tubby. Want another Pop-Tart, Tubby?
+I'm comfortable with who I am.
+You're a disgrace to this family.
+In this reporter's opinion it's time for our lard-laden lads to shape up. Get out and try fun activities like military service...Frenetic dancing...
+Or good old-fashioned Pee Wee Football!
+There you go, Bart, Pee Wee Football will melt away those unsightly pounds and inches.
+Yeah, but I could get seriously hurt.
+Then it's settled.
+We don't have to play football do we, Daddy?
+Ho-ho-ho, you betcha. Team sports'll keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
+You know, Milhouse, you are getting a little doughy.
+Aw, can't I just have the surgery?
+He's going to need a... you know, "protection."
+Sure, one helmet comin' up.
+I was thinking more like protection for... down there.
+Ohhh. Why didn't you say so? Knee pads. You got it.
+I'm talking about his "personal area."
+Ahhh, ahh, say no more... I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads.
+Look, I want a cup.
+Cup, could you spell that?
+C-U-P! I wanna C-U-... Oh my god!
+Okay, Milhouse, lets try out the new cup.
+Milhouse, stop that!
+Little higher, Wendell... A lot higher, Martin... Ah, Ralph, that's a basketball.
+Oof! Okay, Nelson's our quarterback.
+Thanks, four-eyes.
+Ralph, you'll be on special teams.
+I'm special!
+And, uh, Bart, you'll be a tackle.
+Careful, Bart, you'll break my calculator, by which I mean my head.
+What position have you got for me?
+Huh? / Wha? / Etc.
+That's right. A girl wants to play football. How about that?
+Well, that's super-duper, Lisa! In fact, we already have four girls on the team.
+You do?
+Uh-huh, but we'd love to have you on board.
+Well... football's not really my thing.
+Oh no. What? / No way! / Aww.
+After all, what civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?!
+Well, actually, Lisa, these balls are synthetic.
+And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International.
+I've gotta go.
+Who are we?
+The Wildcats!
+Who are we going to beat?
+The Wildcats!
+Hey, Flanders. You're the worst coach this team has ever had.
+He's the only coach this team has ever had. And the season hasn't even started yet.
+Yeah, well... he's wearing that hat like an idiot.
+You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
+Fun, too.
+All right, Wildcats! Are you ready to give 110 per cent, take it one game at a time, and go the whole nine yards?
+Yeah! Nine yards!
+Okilly-dokilly, let's put on our game faces.
+Gimme the ball... and your lunch money.
+I love this game.
+Ooo, he's quite a little dancer.
+Ahh, you got lucky, Flanders! And fix that hat!
+Yeah. Thanks for the tip, Homer...
+Okay, Simpson, you're blocking for me on this play.
+All right!
+Hut, hut, hike, hike, HUT!
+It's clobberin' time.
+You okay, Bart?
+Yayyy! / I'm special! / Wooo! / Etc.
+Huh, big deal. I've been carried out of Moe's like that hundreds of times.
+What a rip!!
+Well, I'm tellin' ya, Flanders can't coach at all! Now I'm not the type to have a grudge for no reason...
+Sir, if I could just break in for a moment...
+Yes, Roy.
+Do you have a question for Sandy Koufax?
+Yes. Mr. Koufax, don't you think Flanders is a big jerk? Y'ello? Y'ello?
+Yeah, Homer again. I think we got cut off. Y'ello?
+Flaaaan-ders... Flaaaan-ders...
+Flaaaan-ders...
+What?! What is it?!
+Game's out there! Made you look...
+They're just words, Neddie. Words can't hurt ya.
+Ow! That's it!
+Dad, that was really mean.
+I know, Sweetie, and I got him right in the... uh-oh.
+Hii-hi-hi-hi, hi, Flanders. Go Wildcats!
+Do you have a problem with the way I'm coaching?
+No, no. No, no, no. It's just that, well, like I was yelling earlier, it seems like anyone with half a brain could coach better than you.
+Uh-huh. Half a brain, huh? Well, you know what? It sounds like you just volunteered!
+Me? But you were doing such a great job.
+You're not gonna make the team with that kinda attitude.
+I don't want to make the team.
+Then why are you running the obstacle course?
+Are you wearing my self-defense whistle?
+You never use it.
+Good morning, everybody.
+Wipe that smile off your face.
+What did I do?
+I'm tired of watching you dog it on that football field. From now on, I'm gonna work you like a dog. Now go fetch me twenty laps.
+Oh, man.
+You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
+Well, if you know a better way for me to live through my son, I'd like to hear it.
+I knew it. Slowing down already, huh?
+How can you treat him that way? Don't you remember how bad your father made you feel when you played sports?
+Well, that's the end of the girls' floor exercise. Now, let's bring on the men!
+Just don't screw up like you always do.
+Wow, he's dy-no-mite!
+You're gonna blow it!
+That's what I get for having faith in ya.
+My father never believed in me.
+Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my Dad.
+Quit runnin', son. I just want to give ya a big hug!
+I believe in you! Hug meeeee!
+Will you hug meeeee? Hug meee!
+Good practice, team. Okay, it's time for the easiest part of any coach's job, the cuts.
+Now while I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it was so hard to cut you.
+Congratulations, the rest of you made the team.
+Except you, you and you.
+Bart didn't get cut. What a surprise...
+Now just because I'm his father, he'll get no special treatment. He calls me "Coach" just like everyone else. Which he'll be doing... as our new starting quarterback!
+It's gotta be a trick. Run like the wind.
+But, Coach?
+What is it, sweetie?
+Nelson's a great quarterback. He's carryin' this team!
+Yeah. / Yeah, he's right. / He's good.
+Not any more. From now on, you're my main man. Okay, now everyone give me five laps, and hit the showers. Oh, Rod, you don't have to. You're cut.
+But I can't play quarterback. I don't even know how.
+Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
+Since when?
+Since your mother yelled at me. Now how 'bout that hug?
+Dad, the car!
+I got it.
+Good luck, Homer. No hard feelin's.
+Not so easy to keep your mouth shut now, is it, Flanders?
+Ready. Set. Hut, hut!
+It's okay, son. You'll do better next time.
+NopleaseBartdon't!
+Look at him go!
+Exx-cellent poise, son. You panicked, but you didn't lose your cool.
+Bart, over here! Come on. / Over here! / We're all open! / Over here!
+Just throw it, doofus!
+Aw, crap.
+Great debut, son. You really settled in after some early jitters.
+Are you kidding? I reeked!
+Oh, really? Do reeky players get the game ball?
+Hey, everybody! Let's hear it for Bart!
+Gimme a "B"?
+I won't give you a "B" but I'll tear ya a new "A."
+Yeah, if I wasn't your friend, I'd tell you you sucked.
+You ruined our undefeated season. You ruined everything, ruiner. My sister likes you.
+Listen here, daddy's boy. You cost us one more game and you're dead.
+You're going to heaven!
+It's gonna take a miracle for me to become a good quarterback.
+Excuse me, son.
+Wow, Joe Namath!
+That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.
+I cannot believe you are here! Do you think, maybe, you could give me some pointers?
+Sure! There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback...
+Joe, honey. I fixed it. It was just vapor lock.
+Ah, oops. Hey, look, I gotta run. Remember what I told ya.
+Okay, Bart. Concentrate.
+Remember what I told ya...
+Just one thing... My car broke down... I'm Joe Namath... My car broke down...
+It was just vapor lock... vapor lock... vapor lock... vapor lock...
+I'm dead.
+... So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting Homer down. What am I gonna do?
+Well, I know you don't want to disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?
+Ah, you guys are some k...
+Dad, I've got some bad news.
+Ohh, your Mother's not pregnant, is she?
+No, I got hit by a couple of cars. I won't be able to play today.
+Ohh, boy. Well, I'll just have to go to my back up plan... Nelson, how's your arm feelin'?
+Good, take this note over to the referee.
+We forfeit?
+Forfeit? / What? / Come on! / Oh, man.
+Come on, guys. We can't play without Bart. He's the heart of this team!
+No, I'm not. I suck.
+It's true. He does.
+Yeah, he does. / And how.
+Don't listen to them, son. I have total faith in you.
+You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be your stupid quarterback! I quit!
+What? Well, I got news for you, Mister. You can't quit! You're cut! You too, Milhouse.
+All right!
+So like I said, I've never had a tick burrow in so deep. Little guy's just got a mind of his own.
+Mom, please, we're eating!
+Well, at least I'm making conversation.
+May I be excused, Mom?
+Oh, so now you're quitting dinner, too.
+Homer, please.
+I didn't raise him to be a quitter, Marge. It must have been you. You've quit every job you've ever had: cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler...
+He's doing what he thinks is best...
+Well, if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job.
+Ahoy-hoy-hoy?
+Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson, the father of the big quitter. Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter, too, and I quit!
+Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
+Let's go twenty-four, hut!
+Go long! Go long! Aw hell, I'll do it myself.
+I gotta quit smoking.
+We drove 2000 miles for this?
+We're in the championship. Way to go, team!
+Gee thanks, Coach.
+Great game, son. Come on, I'm taking you to Hooters.
+Aw, I don't wanna bother Mom at work.
+Well, Bart, looks like it's just you and... Ohhh.
+I'll scratch you. The hair. The hair. Slut. Loser. Skag. Skag. Skag.
+I'm feelin' kinda low, Apu. You got any of that beer that has candy floatin' in it? You know, "Skittlebrau"?
+Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
+Oh. Well, then, just give me a six-pack and a couple bags of Skittles.
+Hello, son.
+I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you, I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me, I promise I'll never encourage you again.
+I've got lots of quarters.
+This thing only takes dollars.
+Aww... You know, tomorrow's the championship game and I could sure use a good offensive tackle.
+But I thought Uter took my place.
+Consider him cut.
+Wow, Homer coaching in the championship game. You must be pretty proud of your son.
+You'd think so, wouldn't ya?
+Time for one last play, coach.
+Hold on, I'm workin' it out.
+Okay. Half of you vibrate that way, two of you fall down, Nelson, you just spin around in a circle.
+All right, I've got an arrest warrant here for a Nelson Muntz. Uh, which one of you little punks is Muntz?
+Oh no, my quarterback. What are we gonna do?
+It's okay Dad, I can fill in for Nelson.
+Are you sure, son?
+I knew I could count on you.
+So what's the charge, Chief? Vandalism? Smoking?
+You know what you did, Muntz. Burglary and arson. You're goin' away for a long time.
+Come on! He likes sunsets, what more do ya want?!
+Poor Bart... You know we had a lot of fun tonight, but there's nothing funny about... vapor lock. It's the third most common cause of car stallings. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm Joe Namath. Goodnight.
+Scully, you're cut. Ehhh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Phil, Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer, O'Brien, Dolye, Selman. I don't know what... I don't know what you're doin' here, 'cause you're all cut. Pietila, Clan..., Kuwahaha... There're so many cuts here look, I'll just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Oooo, look at how many cuts there are there. Ohhh, boy, you're cut. All of you. He's cut, I cut you! You're cut too, Shooshie!
+Good evening, I'm Kent Brockman. Our top story: Hunks, and lots of 'em! And all to raise money for the Springfield Fire Department to buy a fire engine, so they can get to fires.
+Lazy bums.
+Yeah, why don't we buy 'em mink stoles while we're at it?
+Yeah, good one.
+And now, let's hear it for our celebrity auctioneer, Krusty!
+The clown!
+Thank you... Thank you... Hey, hey! No, I ain't readin' that. No, not that either.
+Okay! Let's bring on our first bachelor!
+All right, ladies, this sexy fella describes himself as "A big, thirsty teddy bear." Say hello to Barney Gumbel!
+Okay, now, what am I bid? Hey-now-I-got-zero-I-got-zero-I-got-no-bid-here-I-got-zero-I'm-stadin'-at-zero-anybody-wanna-go-higher-than-zero-I-got-zero-right-now-okay-over-there-no-zero-I-got-not-I-got-zilch-I-got-bupkiss-I-got-zero-nothin'-hey!
+Poor Barney.
+This lot is withdrawn.
+Arrr... I'm not attractive...
+Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money. Let's hear it for Moe!
+Why do we have to stand here? This is so humiliatin'.
+Aren't there any good bachelors in this town?
+Ahh, we're never gonna get that fire engine.
+Well, I guess that's it, folks.
+"Had some laughs / Killed some time..." "Drank lots of vodka and lime / Faked some warmth / Forced a smile / One eye on the clock the whole while..."
+Apu, you're a bachelor. Get up there!
+Oh, no, no. Please, I am nothing special.
+Don't be shy. Uh, Excuse me! Excuse me, we have one more bachelor!
+"Cash the check..." Whaaaa...?!!
+Just tell them about yourself.
+Oh, um... Well... I have a doctorate in computer science.
+Ooo... / He sounds pretty good to me / Yeah / Uh-huh.
+Umm, I run my own business, of course.
+Well. / Oh, well. / Oh, wow.
+I do like to cook. I'm not much of a talker, but I love to listen. And in my leisure time, I like to build furniture and then to have a discussion about where it could be placed in a room.
+Oh-ho! Now that's somethin' else. / Real man! / My kind of a guy we're talkin'... / Wonderful.
+Fifty dollars!
+Seventy-five!
+You better have enough left to pay my alimony, Luann!
+Three hundred!
+Three-fifty!
+Nine hundred and twenty-six!
+Sold to the five desperate chicks.
+Woo! / All right! We got him! / Whew!
+Holy moley!
+Wellll, look who's the ladies' man...
+Come on...
+I had a great time, Apu. And thanks for winning Wubbsy. I had no idea you were such a great shot.
+Oh, yes. All Kwik-E-Mart managers must be skilled in the deadly arts.
+Oof. That date will not be easy to top.
+But we shall see...
+Anybody up for some clog dancing?
+Why don't you try and stop me?
+"This is just a note to say, I think about you every day. And when I get you all alone..." Well, it gets a little bit personal, here.
+I understand. Yoink. Wow...
+I know.
+Whoa...
+Tell me about it.
+Oh, here's one from my mother.
+Ooo, let's see what she wrote!
+Oh, you hate lotus flowers, too? Oh, don't get me started on Lotus flowers.
+No, no. It is the sign that it is time for my arranged marriage!
+Oh. Well, congratulations.
+No, no, no. Don't you know what it means?
+Not... really...
+It all happened shortly after my eighth birthday...
+O-kay, here we go...
+Ten goats and an electric fan? You call that a dowry?
+Okay, we will throw in a textile factory. But only because Manjula's getting on in years.
+Then it is agreed. Your third daughter will marry our first son.
+It is done.
+Oh, I cannot get married. I'm just beginning to enjoy my bachelorhood. Ah, what am I going to do?!
+Tell her the truth. You're not ready to get married.
+No, no, no, no, you do not know Mother. She will never quit until I am married.
+Then just tell her you're already married.
+No, no. I cannot lie to my mother.
+Then get married. What the hell do you want from me?!
+Yes, that is right, mother. I already got married... Why did not I bother to tell you? Well, uh, the reason is...
+Well, I guess I... I didn't-think-you'd-understand. Oh, got-to-go. Bye-bye-bye. I love-you. Love-you.
+It worked! It worked! The lie has set me free!!
+Loser. Loser. Loser. Five... hundred.... dollars! Apu wake up! I want to buy a Yodel and this lottery ticket.
+I have this much.
+I am sorry, you do not have enough for both.
+Oh... Oh... Ooo... Oh... Yodel.
+Late night, huh?
+I'm not the type to kiss and tell, sir, but listen to this...
+You dog.
+It is my mother!
+Oh, no! Oh, no! What am I going to do?!
+What's the big problem?
+Bu... Don't you see?! She is here to meet my wife.
+The wife that I told her I had. I do not have a wife.
+Then maybe you shouldn't of told her you did.
+Oh, she's going to be here any second!
+Oh, yes, that'll buy me some time. Homer, you've got to help me!
+Okay... seems to me , what you oughta do is, um...
+What?! What?! What?! What?! What?!
+Wellll, you could always move into my house, and tell your mom that Marge is your wife.
+Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?
+It's you.
+Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart. May I help... Mother! What are you doing here?
+I have come to meet this wife of yours.
+And meet her you shall. It is a very reasonable request that can easily be granted in a timely and efficient...
+Let's go.
+And go we shall, because it is in the going that we at-tat-tat-tat-tat!
+Oh, that Yodel was so good. I wish I was eatin' it right now.
+Oh, crap, I forgot!
+Marge, I need a small favor. For the next few days, will you pretend to be Apu's wife?
+Please? It's just for as long as his mother's living here.
+Honey, I am in my home.
+How was your day, sweetheart?
+Can you feel the love?
+Mother, I would like for you to meet my darling wife of many, many good years, Mmmarge.
+Hello. So... What brings you to America?
+I have come to see the woman for whom Apu was willing to disgrace his family and spit on his culture.
+Ohhhh. Here I am!
+Okay, gotta run. Apu, I'm sure you wanna to get upstairs and fix that broken toilet before Marge yells at you again.
+I'm just so honored to have you here in our home.
+Thank you. And having met you, let me say how deeply, deeply disappointed I am. Apu, your arranged bride Manjula is a sweet, refined, chaste woman! Are you nuts?
+Ach, Mother, come on, you know that one out of every 25 arranged marriages ends in divorce. Heh.
+Oh, Bart and Lisa! You remember your father, Apu. Well, this is your father, Apu's mother.
+Ohhhh. / Hiiiii.
+I cannot believe you did not tell me I had two grandchildren.
+But you can't leave! We're scammin' an old lady at my house and I need a place to hide out.
+Ah, sorry Homer, I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island.
+Oh, right. With the giant heads.
+With the what now?
+Hey, Dad. I've come to spend some time with my favorite father.
+Baloney. You came here to put me in a home.
+You're already in a home.
+Oh, how could you?
+Abraham Simpson. Cornelius Talmadge.
+Oh, no, I'm not... Oh, well, let's see whatcha got here.
+The pink ones keep ya from screamin'.
+All right, folks, it's supper time.
+Supper at 4 o'clock? Oh-ho, what a sweet deal!
+Hey! They got chairs with wheels, and here I am using my legs like a sucker!
+Oh, I must apologize for the inconvenience, Marge. You are a real sport.
+Right. How much longer is she gonna be here? Homer was a little sketchy on the details.
+Oh, it should not be more than a few days. She really, truly hates you.
+Can I ask you about your dot?
+What would you like to know?
+What's the deal with that dot?
+Yeah, can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off?
+You tell me.
+Nothing yet.
+Surely, you children are aware of your Brahman heritage.
+As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions... yes. Yes, we are.
+Fully. We have to go now.
+Jasper. Gladys. Beatrice. Lookin' good, Hattie. Asa. Hazel. Hazel! Hazel!
+Oh, the hell with her. Hester. Emil. Prudence. Lemuel. Increase. Dad.
+Cornelius.
+Supper time!
+Oh, no you don't.
+Oh, yes I do.
+Eat my dust!
+Wow, someone sure likes his kidney mush.
+Damn right.
+Mmm. Who knew that Lay's made liquid potato chips? I can't suck just one.
+Another bag of chips, Mr. Talmadge?
+Please. Also, I think I'm getting a bedsore. What do you have to do to get turned around here?
+Hey, what's Lucky hooked up to?
+A respirator. It breathes for him.
+And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker! And how come everyone gets a bedpan and I have to walk all the way over there?
+You mean there?
+Hello, I'm Cornelius Talmadge. My family brought me here on Monday, but I broke free and went on a bit of a bender.
+Wait a minute, if you're Cornelius Talmadge, then who's...?
+When I get old, Marge, I want you to promise you'll put me in a home. It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to appreciate it.
+Well, I'm glad you were having fun, because I've had my hands full with Apu's mother.
+Ohhh, right, right. The fake marriage thing. How's that goin'?
+Okay Apu, I am packed and ready to go to the airpor...
+Oh, my God!
+Marge, how could you?!
+Oh Apu, give it up.
+Mother, I am so sorry. I lied to you about being married.
+Lied to his mother.
+But the fact that I would stage this ridiculous farce surely proves to you how much I do not want to go through with this arranged marriage.
+I had no idea how strongly you felt, Apu.
+Now wipe that smile off your face. We have a wedding to plan.
+You know what you could do, Apu...
+Yeah, shut up.
+You could fake your own death...
+Oh, would you shut up.
+All you need is a car bomb and...
+I can't believe you don't shut up.
+Yes, yes, Manjula, I will take care of all the wedding plans. You just get on the plane and come to America...
+I have to go. Believe me, I'd like to.
+I've been looking over this list of things for the ceremony. I've got the extra wine glasses, but I'm still short a tandoori oven, an elephant, and four castrati.
+What's a castrati?
+I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.
+Why is that woman still living here?
+I unno.
+Hey, you seen Apu lately? He looks terrible.
+Yeah, rumor has it Marge threw him out.
+Aw, tough break. She's a beautiful lady.
+You got that straight, Barn.
+To Marge!
+Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
+Booze, booze and more booze.
+Ha! Nothin' like a depressant to chase the blues away.
+Yeah, you got that... / Oh yeah. / Uh-huh.
+Oof, Manjula and I have not seen each other in twenty years. Two people cannot fall in love sight-unseen.
+Hey, hold on there! I'm countin' on that.
+Well, just twenty-four hours of freedom left...
+Actually, it's more like twelve. No, I'm so stupid, seven. It's seven hours. You have seven hours. See? Seven.
+"WELL, I'M HOT BLOODED / CHECK IT AND SEE / I'VE GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE..."
+C'mon. You shouldn't be spending your last hours of bachelorhood in a dump like this.
+You should be livin' like there's no tomorrow. And I know just the place.
+Ahh. Is this the life, or what?
+You want me to turn on the bubbles?
+Which Bombay to Springfield flight is she on? The 10 o'clock, the 10:15, or the 10:30?
+Oh, I am so terribly sorry, sir. It appears that your tiger has been sent to St. Louis.
+Uh-huh, I should send you to St. Louis!
+No! No! He's not worth it!
+Can you please indicate your tiger-type on this chart?
+Number 6.
+How's that fire ring coming? Is it sacred yet?
+Almost...
+Can you believe it? Tradition forbids me even to speak to the woman I am about to spend my life with. Hmf, has the whole world gone crazy?
+Nah, just your screwy country.
+Your old friend Apu is a lamb being led to the slaughter.
+Don't worry, Apu. Some day you'll meet someone you really love.
+Oof, I am really doomed. Only the gods could stop this wedding now.
+Gods, eh?
+No, no, no, no, no. No pansies for me.
+It's the tradition in India.
+Yeah, all right. It'll cover the gravy stains.
+Tradition.
+Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony...
+Inconclusive.
+Well, Christ is Christ. Plus, I consulted a Hindu web site.
+Hello, everyone... What a happy, happy day.
+Wow! I wish I had an elephant.
+You did. His name was Stampy. You loved him.
+Oh, yeah.
+Lucky mouse.
+So beautiful. / Etc.
+Oh, Manjula?!
+Apu. Remember me?
+Ooobviously not.
+I am the god, Ganesh! This wedding angers me. All will die unless it is stopped.
+Oh, God.
+Please listen to me.
+Stop chasing Ganesh! You're just gonna get more wrath!
+Oh, I'm afraid this is all my fault, Manjula. To be perfectly honest with you, I have not exactly been looking forward to this arranged marriage.
+Nor have I. Marrying a complete stranger? It is crazy.
+All right, Ganesh has been subdued.
+All will die...
+Resume the ceremony.
+Oh, quickly, tell me, what is your favorite movie, book, and food?
+The answer to all three is "Fried Green Tomatoes."
+Oo, that... that is good.
+Double parked.
+Oh, I am so torn. You are clearly so quick-witted and beautiful.
+And when I look in your eyes, I see that sweet little boy who sold me my very first kiss... and I liked it.
+Oh, do you think this marriage could really work?
+Who knows? We can always get divorced.
+Of course! God bless America!
+You have the right to remain--
+And now, ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Apu Nahasapeemapetilan.
+Aw geez, I am no good at weddings. I am no good at weddings.
+WHY DO BIRDS SUDDENLY APPEAR / EVERY TIME YOU ARE NEAR? / JUST LIKE ME / THEY LONG TO BE / CLOSE TO YOU...
+Dad, those peanuts aren't for you, they're for the elephant.
+Screw him.
+Put me down! Ganesh commands you! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
+Well, so far, so good. Don't you think? I cannot wait to show you our apartment.
+Apartment? Oh no, no, no. You must buy me a house. And you're getting a haircut.
+Got you.
+Come on, elephant. Put me down! Hey, everyone seems upside down.
+Ha! Ha! This sting can't miss, boys. I mailed these bogus prize certificates to every scofflaw in Springfield.
+When they show up for their "free motorboats," we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law.
+So, the hook is baited, huh?
+Heh. Nice metaphor, Eddie.
+Yeah, good work, Eddie.
+"Up, up and away, in my beautiful, my beautiful motor boattt..." Da-da-da-da-da.
+But we didn't enter any police raffle.
+That doesn't matter. The important thing is we won.
+I don't know... there's something very peculiar about this.
+Sheesh! You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with.
+I'd like a yellow boat, please. With extra motors.
+Yo. No cuts, bro. Where's my motorboat, pig?
+Uh, right through that door.
+What the... Yo! Ouch! Oh, I call brutality on you!
+All right, uh, Simpson, Homer. You're next.
+Woo hoo!
+Howdy, gents! I'm here to collect my free--
+OW! OW! My boating arm! What's going on?
+You're under arrest, slimebag. What's this perp in for, Lou?
+Uh, 235 unpaid parking tickets. Totaling 175 dollars.
+Ha, I hope you brought your checkbook, wise guy.
+Lousy cops. Lucky for you I'm double-parked or I'd... There. Now, can I please have my motorboat?
+Dad? Why aren't you saying anything? Where's our motorboat?
+I didn't like it. The mast had termites.
+Why would a motorboat have a mast?
+Because... the thingee was... shut up.
+Ooo, there's that new mega-mall they're building! They say the air conditioner will be more powerful than a million hydrogen bombs.
+Hey, they can't just build a parking lot on Saber Tooth Meadow. That's where they discovered all those fossils!
+Fossils shmossils. You can't stop progress 'cause of some moldy old bones. Bones shmones.
+But they might be paving over rare specimens. Pull over so we can complain, Dad. Come on, who wants to complain with me?
+Fine. I'll come back later. Who wants to come back with me? Fine.
+My attorney, Lionel Hutz, calls your attention to Municipal Code 147-c: "Protection of antiquities and fossils."
+That's right.
+There aren't any fossils here, little girl. Museum folks dug 'em all up years ago.
+Oh, but what if they missed something? You have to allow an archeological survey!
+Who's gonna make us? You?
+Now, hold on, Sid. Hold on. Maybe we should let the kid dig. Could be good publicity.
+All right. / Yeah. / Oh, yeah. / We could do that.
+Okay. You want to dig? Be my guest.
+Fine! We'll see you in court.
+Mr. Hutz, we won.
+Principal Skinner, remember how I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor.
+Hmm. I knew this day would come.
+Attention. All honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig!
+Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archeological dig.
+Oh, why? / Oh, no, not tomorrow. / Aw, crud.
+Gonna dig me a hole...
+Gonna dig me a hole.
+Gonna put a nerd in it...
+Gonna put a nerd in it.
+Gonna take a firecracker...
+Gonna take a firecracker.
+This is so exciting! I can't wait to see what we find!
+I must admit, it is rather exciting. And -- Why, look -- here's something right here!
+It appears to be some sort of rock. I-- Oh, no, it's just a clump of dirt. Even so, my heart is pounding like a kettle drum. I'd better sit down for a moment.
+Princeskipper Skipple! Prinnipple Skimsker! I found something!
+It's a spearhead!
+That's your trowel blade, Ralph. It fell off the handle.
+And I found it!
+Okay, everyone! Back to work! You never know when we might uncover a Tyrannosaurus.
+Well, this was a big bust. Come on, kids. Let's go home to our mothers.
+Don't give up! I'm sure we'll find something!
+The police auction...
+C'mon, c'mon! A bottle cap, a shoe, a bar of gold, anything! She suddenly uncovers a white patch.
+Everybody! Come quick!
+What is it? / What? / That's unbelievable. / Oh, this is nice. / Wow.
+Lemme through! I got here late!
+Hmm, from the looks of it, I'd say this fellow died from causes unknown.
+Look, there's more. What the heck is this thing?
+Speaking from a strictly medical point of view, that ain't right.
+Oh, my goodness.
+What is it, Lisa?
+It looks like a human skeleton... but these other bones look almost like wings.
+You mean like... an angel?!!
+Well, obviously that's impossible--
+Lisa's right! It's an angel!
+Now that's interesting.
+But it can't be an angel!
+Oh, no? Well if you're so sure what it ain't, how 'bout tellin' us what it am?
+Yeah! / What am it? / etc.
+Well, maybe it's, uh, uh... a Neanderthal, who got bitten by some angry fish.
+Ah! Ow! Ow! Ah!
+Oh-ho, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're strainin' to do some explainin'.
+Yeah, everyone's heard of angels. But who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?
+It could be anything. It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.
+Oh, fiddle-faddle. Everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops. I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
+You mean the revolver, sir?
+Precisely. And be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.
+Now, regardless of what this thing is, it's a priceless scientific find. So our most pressing concern now is determining who owns such a valuable skeleton. And I'd like to suggest that I do.
+Hey! / What are you...? / Wait a minute. / Wait! Wait! Wait! / Settle down! / No! No! No! / Excuse me! / No! No!
+I'd like to hear from Lionel Hutz!
+It's a thorny legal issue, all right. I'll need to refer to the case of Finders vs. Keepers.
+Oh, we can work this out, friends. In the spirit of sharing, what say we simply place the sacred bones in--
+So long, suckers!
+Come on... Come on, Angel.
+What are you doing with that?
+I'm locking it up in my safe deposit closet with my other valuables.
+I'll just leave it in here a few years and let it appreciate in value.
+It's probably a million years old, Dad. I think it's as valuable as it's gonna get.
+Pfft. That's what they said about this Billy Beer, smartypants.
+Ahh. We elected the wrong Carter.
+Coming up next... an hilarious "boat giveaway" scam nets Springfield's dumbest criminals!
+Sounds like goood watchin'.
+Hey-hey there, Marge. Just brought the kids over to share a prayer with the blessed angel, if it's okay with you.
+Get your own angel, ya moocher.
+Thanks anyway, Homer.
+Oh, hello, Agnes.
+Sorry to trouble you, but I'm goin' in for surgery tomorrow, and I wondered if I could rub the angel with my foot for good luck. It's foot surgery.
+Hey, I'm trying to eat here. Beat it, Pegleg!
+Jackass. Marge.
+Hey, we want to see the angel! / Come on, we want to see the angel! / I would like to... / Angel! Angel! Angel!
+C'mon, Homer. I just want a quick look-see. Pay ya a buck...
+A buck, eh? That gives me an idea...
+Fifty cents, please.
+Ahh, here's Dr. Gould now. What were the results, Professor?
+HEEERE'S THE ANGEL! / SEEEE THE ANGEL / IT'S MY ANGEL / NO ONE ELSE'S / NEXT TO-OO TH-E RAKES!
+Dad, it's not fair to claim this thing is an angel. There's no proof of that.
+No one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you'll look carefully, you'll notice I never once used the word "angel".
+What about that sign right there?
+That's a typo.
+Just let me take it to the museum for one day. They can do scientific tests and prove it's not an angel.
+Oh, no. Oh, no. We could lose out on bags and bags of money. It's sacrilegious, I tell ya.
+Wow... so lifelike.
+Astonishing. Simply astonishing. One of the most singular specimens I've encountered in all my distinguished career.
+But enough about my work. What did you want to show me, Lisa?
+It's a bone scraping from that skeleton I found.
+Oh yeah, the so-called "angel." The whole thing's preposterous, of course.
+Quite preposterous. But no one will believe me until I can prove what it really is. Can't you do a DNA test or something?
+Certainly. I'll have the results by tomorrow.
+Oh, thank you so much! Uhm... you know I can't afford to pay you.
+I didn't become a scientist for financial gain. Whatever little money you have will be just fine.
+I say it's the Angel of Peace, ya idiot!
+And I say it's the Angel of Mercy, you jerk!
+Excuse me. I took a piece of the skeleton for scientific analysis. Soon we will have all the facts.
+You did what? / Analysis? / I don't like her.
+Pfft! Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts shmacts.
+Inconclusive? Then why did you come running up like that?
+Can I use your bathroom?
+Well. It appears science has faltered once again in the face of overwhelming religious evidence.
+Go home, science girl.
+I am home.
+Good. Stay there.
+Okay, folks. Get your angel glow sticks! No one gets into heaven without a glow stick!
+I'll take four!
+Ugh, those morons make me so angry.
+Maybe so, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them morons.
+But they are morons. What grown person could believe in angels?
+Well... your mother, for one.
+You? But... you're an intelligent person, Mom.
+There has to be more to life than just what we see, Lisa. Everyone needs something to believe in.
+It's not that I don't have a spiritual side. I just find it hard to believe there's a dead angel hanging in our garage.
+My poor Lisa. If you can't make a leap of faith now and then, well... I feel sorry for you.
+Don't feel sorry for me, Mom. I feel sorry for you.
+Next on Smartline: "The Springfield Angel Controversy".
+Our guest tonight, making her 13th appearance on Smartline... Miss Lisa Simpson.
+Miss Simpson, how can you maintain your skepticism in spite of the fact that this thing really, really looks like an angel?
+I just think it's a fantasy. If you believe in angels, then why not unicorns, or sea monsters, or leprechauns?
+Ohh, that's a buncha baloney, Lisa. Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.
+Look, you can either accept science and face reality, or you can believe in angels and live in a childish dream world.
+We should have lived together first.
+Science! What's science ever done for us? TV off.
+Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know! Important things!
+Yeah! / Science stinks! / Down with science! / Etc.
+Enough talk. It's smashin' time!
+Take that! And that! And...
+Ooo! Ow! I'm paralyzed! I just hope medical science can cure me.
+Why?! Why was I programmed to feel pain?!
+Technocrats are learning a lesson in humility tonight as angel supporters lay waste to Springfield's scientific institutions.
+Ugh, I wish I'd never found those stupid bones! It's time to put an end to this. Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar.
+Good ol' Bluey.
+Hey, she's gonna smash the angel!
+Somebody stop her!
+It's gone...
+Oh-ho, no! This can't be happening! What the hell are we gonna do with ten thousand angel ashtrayyys?
+I could take up smoking.
+You damn well better!
+Okay, okay, don't panic. Marge, stop panicking. We need a replacement skeleton, and we need it now. Bart! Strip down to your skeleton!
+We've come for the angel, Homer. It's not safe with the unbeliever.
+It's gone! We're too late!
+Little girl, what have you done with our precious angel?
+Nothing. Someone must have stolen it.
+Looks to me like Lisa Simpson found something science couldn't explain. So she had to destroy it.
+Well, that's all the evidence I need. Arrest the girl!
+What?! She didn't do anything.
+Give her a nice cell. Somethin' in "C" block.
+Well... you might say we're going to the best steakhouse in the whole universe.
+Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity, a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of Science vs. Religion. Let the opening statements commence.
+Your honor, over the coming weeks and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--
+There's the angel!
+I find the defendant not guilty. As for Science vs. Religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from science at all times.
+Wowwww. Do you think it flew up here?
+Well, it didn't ride up on no zebra.
+Look! A message!
+"The end will come at sundown." Heh heh heh heh. Hey, wait a second. I don't like the sound of that.
+I'm scared, Daddy. Too scared to even wet my pants.
+It's okay, son. Just relax and it'll come.
+Even Lisa Simpson must now agree we have witnessed a miracle.
+Hardly. Anyone could have written that.
+Oh angel, listen not to this child of Satan.
+Reverend, I've got to admit, this doomsday warning has me just a smidge twitterpated.
+Oh, now be calm, Ned. But be afraid also. Tremendously afraid. For the day of reckoning is upon us.
+/ Reckoning? / Oh, no! / Oh!
+Your Holiness, there is word from America. They say an angel has foretold the apocalypse.
+Uhm, keep an eye on it.
+This could be our last day together, my love. How about a farewell romp in the garden of earthly delights?
+Oh, Edna, my sweet buttercup, you read my mind. Just, uh, give me twenty minutes, or so, to finish these tardy slips.
+Why are we getting dressed up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
+So we're not going to Black Angus.
+Will you leave me alone? It's bad enough you're making me go to your stupid "Judgment Day".
+Please, Lisa. I don't know exactly what's gonna happen, but I really wish we could make peace before sunset.
+Nothing is going to happen, Mom. I hate to disappoint you, but the world is not coming to an end.
+Well, shall we sing a hymn? Uh, "Nearer My God to Thee", maybe? Or, or, or "Amazing Grace"?
+Uhm, nah.
+Oh, Marge, don't let go, no matter what. If they want you in heaven, they gotta take me, too.
+Ten seconds till sundown.
+We did it. We beat cancer.
+Ohh, what the hell.
+SEVEN... SIX...
+FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO... ONE...
+What the...? / What the...? / What was that? / What gives? / Nothin' happened. / What went on?
+Well, there you go. I hope you all learned a val--
+SILENCE!
+PREPARE FOR THE END!
+THE END OF HIGH PRICES!
+What? / What the heck is he talkin' about? / Wait a minute.
+BEHOLD!
+THE GRAND OPENING OF THE HEAVENLY HILLS MALL!
+Please follow the angel for all your shopping needs.
+Wait a second! You planted a phony skeleton for me to find! This was all a big hoax.
+Not a hoax. A publicity stunt!
+You exploited people's deepest beliefs just to hawk your cheesy wares?! Well, we are outraged! Aren't we?!
+Oh, oh yeah, yeah, we're outraged. Very, uh... Very much so... But look at all the stores! A Pottery Barn!
+And twenty per cent off everything? Hey, does that include rat spray?
+Oh yeah.
+Outta my way, Shorty!
+Hey! / Hey! / Hey, I was here first! / We need a mall for everyone. / There are millions of them.
+I don't understand, Professor. Why didn't your tests show the skeleton was a fake?
+I'm gonna be honest with you, Lisa. I never did the tests.
+Uh, sir, ah, about that, uh, ah, that kiss. I-hi-hi, I hope you understand it was merely a sign of my respect.
+Yes, yes, of course.
+Well, I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit, when that angel started to talk, you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.
+Well, it was just so loud and... Heh, heh, heh... Thanks for sqeezing back.
+Any time, my angel.
+Ahh, I love these lazy Saturdays.
+It's Wednesday, Homer.
+Ahh, I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired.
+Is this all we're going to do today?
+Absolutely.
+You know, Homer, I'm starting to realize life is short.
+We have to make the most of the time we have.
+Otherwise, we could wake up one day and realize we've wasted our whole lives.
+Oh, that.
+Friends of the Library is holding an historic manuscript viewing.
+Pfft. Friends of the library?
+Ooo... Oo! There's an Azalea festival at the public garden!
+I went yesterday.
+Lenny really wanted to go.
+I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time!
+Open a window.
+Allll right, I hear ya, honey. Change into something nice. We're steppin' out!
+Can you believe it? It's already been a year.
+Wow, sweetheart. Look at all this seized booty. We could find the drug boat of our dreams!
+I don't want a drug boat.
+Well, I bet there's drug dresses and drug vacuum cleaners, too!
+All right, listen up. L-listen up! These prestigious wrought-iron security gates are bullet-proof, bomb-proof, and battering ram-resistant. Now...
+Then what happened to Johnny D?
+He forgot to lock 'em. Now, what am I bid?
+One kilo.
+Aye-aye-aye! My gates! Aye! Johnny C gave me those.
+Tough break, amigo.
+Next item up for bids...
+Ohhh nooo.
+Oh, hey, look. They're selling your car, man. Boy, it's nice.
+Oh, I will totally kill whoever buys Li'l Bandit!
+Woo hoo!
+You bought a car?! Without consulting me?!
+I don't recall being consulted when you bought that hat.
+I found this hat!
+Then what are you complaining about? You got yours. Mm-hm-hm.
+Homer, be careful...
+Oh, yeah. You've gotta be careful when you do a trick like this....
+Stop, Homer! Stop it! Let me out!
+You're the boss.
+I'm not getting back in this car until you drive like a sane person.
+Okay-bye-love-you.
+You know, if you lived here, you'd be home by now.
+Mr. Hutz! I didn't know you sold real estate.
+You didn't? We should talk more often, Marge.
+You see, the law business is a little slow, and since most of my clients wind up losing their houses, this was a natural move for me.
+Helping people find homes... That must be really rewarding.
+Yes, the money is good. But the beauty is you get to stay in the house until it's sold.
+C'mon, guys. Let's go for a swim.
+Geez, this hot-rod is souped up six ways from Sunday. Never had you figured for a gear-head, Homer.
+Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert.
+What is that? A six-barrel Hollye carb?
+You betcha.
+Edelbrock intakes...
+Nothin' but.
+Meyerhof lifters...
+Oh yeah.
+I made that last one up.
+Selling real estate could be just what I'm looking for. I'd really like to give it a try.
+I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step toward failure.
+Oh boy, I've got a lot to learn before that license test.
+Don't worry, Mom. We'll help you study.
+'Course, we'll have to cut back on our own homework.
+What in the heck is a "dwelling"?
+So, you're married and you're looking for your first house, Mr. and Mrs...
+Superman.
+Oh, don't listen to my husband. He's just an idiot. Now, I'm a veterinarian and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house. Is that permitted?
+Not in my damn house.
+Well, this neighborhood is zoned R-3, which allows dogs, cats, phone-answering monkeys, and, oh... Oh I'll never memorize all this.
+When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song. "In 1215 at Runnymede!/ Doo dah, doo dah/ The nobles and the King agreed!/ Oh, d-doo dah day..."
+"On the closing day!/ The escrow agents pay!/ Taxes, liens, and interest, too, thanks to Fannie Mae!"
+They back your baaaannk!
+You're all nuts.
+Easement!
+Time's up. You may now undermine each other's confidence.
+Yarrr. I nailed that one about houseboats! Did you?
+I passed!
+Yay!/ Way to go!
+Oh, thank you Bart, thank you Lisa, for all your help!
+What about me? You didn't thank me.
+You didn't do anything.
+I like being thanked.
+Welcome to the big leagues, Marge. There's over 50 years of real estate experience right in this room. And 42 of those years are Gil's.
+Marge, it's a real pleasure. You got any leads? I need some leads. Please, help me.
+That's enough, Gil. Don't drag her down with you.
+That's Cookie Kwan. She's number one on the west side.
+Hi, Marge. Stay off the west side.
+And there's Nick Callahan.
+A headset telephone?! I thought those only existed in the movies!
+Boo-ya! Guess who sold the Whitman place?!
+Good for you, Nick! / H-h-hey! Way to go! / Way to go!
+I've been working on the Whitman place for 21 years.
+And now, Marge, I'd like to welcome you to the family, with your very own red blazer.
+For me?
+Whoa-ho-ho! / Hey! / Go, Marge!
+Thank you. Thank you, everybody. I'm going to do my darndest to uphold the principles and ideals this jacket represents.
+I give her a week.
+Are you guys talking about the west side?
+No, Cookie. I swear it. I'm scared of you.
+Ah! Dad! Doesn't this car have seat belts?
+Seat belts?! Pfft! They kill more people than they save.
+That's not true. You're thinking of airbags.
+There it is!
+Wow! / Your own billboard! / Check it out!
+Gee, that picture makes your butt look big.
+I thought so too, but they said it sells.
+Works for the Lumber King.
+Lumber. We need lumber.
+Excuse me, Mr. Szyslak, have you ever considered selling your home?
+What? No. Why? What? Why? What have you heard? Are you implyin' I'm in some sort of financial trouble?
+Well, I am. Let me have that card.
+And here we have a lovely gourmet kitchen, with gas range, central can-opener, and foam under-flooring for enhanced standability.
+Why, isn't this kitchen horribly cramped?
+Why, yes it is...
+Well, I suppose we could get used to it.
+Yeah, but you shouldn't have to settle. You know, I've always loved the house you're in now.
+Really? Well, maybe we should stay put. Thanks for your honesty, Marge.
+My pleasure.
+If you ever need a prescription, no questions asked...
+Good shot, Barbara! I can't believe it. A house with a bowling alley!
+Do you bowl often?
+Actually, this is our first time. And I didn't really care for it.
+Oh. Well, then you have to ask yourself, is this the right house for you?
+And what really fries me is you returned his check!
+I suppose not. I guess we were just captivated by this delightful plaque.
+Hey, Skinner! Wanna drag race?
+My high school sweetheart was killed in a drag racing accident.
+Come on! It'll be fun!
+That's what Debbie Sue said...
+Come on... you... stupid... car... you... get... goin'...
+Oh, that's Li'l Bandit! And she's in pain!
+Screw the honor system. My car needs me.
+Hey, you're ruinin' it for the rest of us.
+Stop! That's my car!
+Hey, that smells like regular. She needs premium, dude! Premium! Dude!
+Marge, I had a lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach.
+Well, like we say, the right house for the right person!
+Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge: the right house is the house that's for sale. The right person is anyone.
+But... all I did was tell the truth.
+Of course you did. But there's the truth and the truth. Let me show you.
+It's awfully small.
+I'd say it's awfully "cozy."
+That's dilapidated.
+Rustic.
+That house is on fire.
+Motivated seller.
+That's a beauty.
+Forget about that house. That's the murder house.
+Ooo, I remember. Mrs. Astor was very lucky.
+Well, no one expects you to sell that house. But you better sell something.
+Because cubicles are for closers, Marge. Anybody who doesn't sell a house their first week gets fired. I probably should have mentioned that earlier.
+Lousy doormat.
+I thought I'd do anything to succeed in business. But bending the truth... I don't know.
+Ah, so you don't have that killer instinct. Big deal.
+Yeah, honey. Even if you don't succeed in the business world, you're still the world's greatest wife and mother.
+So that's how you see me? As a spineless, potato-cooking housewife who can't compete in the real world?
+Um-hmmm.
+Well, I can too compete. And I'm going to sell a house. End of story.
+Kids, your mother's under a lot of pressure. Why don't we let her clear the table in peace?
+The first house I have to show you is, uhm, a handyman's dream.
+Because it's so dilapidated.
+Well, nothing's perfect, I sure hate to make you come out here and not buy a house.
+Now, slow down Neddy. The home-buyers course said always look inside the house before buying.
+Well, there it is...
+Please don't tell anyone how I live.
+Hm, it's awfully small.
+Some people would call it "cozy."
+I guess it is sorta cute...
+But small. Really, really small.
+Hm. Wh-when you put it that way, it does seem a bit small.
+Well, that about does it for houses in this area...
+Oh, wait, what about that house? That has a "For Sale" sign.
+Oooo, that's a dilly. How 'bout it, Marge?
+Oh, my-diddily-i. Will you look at this place! And the price has been slashed repeatedly!
+It's sure built solid. The kids could scream bloody murder and no one would hear.
+I'm sorry, Mr. Hutz, but I just can't lie to people.
+Well, I'm just gonna spill my guts: I love it to death! I'm gonna give you a deposit this minute.
+Unless you can give me a reason not to?
+Is there anything else we should know, Marge?
+There's the truth and the truth...
+No! Noooo!
+If you don't sell a house you're fired... Fired... Fired...
+Well, Marge?
+No. There is absolutely nothing else to tell you about this house.
+That's good enough for me.
+Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes!
+Attention...
+Ding-ding. Ding-ding. Ding-ding. Listen up, everybody. Marge Simpson sold her first house!
+Oh, that's very nice. / How 'bout that. / How nice.
+The murder house!
+Whoa! / Wow! / Oh, my goodness. / Now that's something. / Boo-ya!
+Wow, you must have told a whopper to unload that death trap.
+What'd you use, Marge, huh? The old "Buff 'n' Bluff?" The "Hail Murray?" "The Susquehanna Shuffle?" Huh? Huh?
+No, no. No tricks. It was salesmanship, that's all.
+Sure, Marge. "Salesmanship."
+But it was!
+Sure, Marge. "Was."
+Look, just because everyone who lived in that house was hacked to bits, doesn't mean the Flanders will be.
+Eh, guess you're right. / Probably not. / Who cares?
+Well, whatever happens, as our newest closer, you're entitled to wear the coveted closing blazer...
+And you get a third wall for your cubicle.
+But I earned that wall.
+Don't push your luck, pal. You're hanging on by a thread.
+I brought this wall from home.
+Ho-ho. Okay. Baldy boy hits wire, head comes off, Li'l Bandit rolls to a gentle stop. Everybody wins.
+Man, the air feels good on my neck!
+Ooo, gumball.
+Oh, why do I even bother?
+I told that idiot to slice my sandwich!
+Wow, honey, you sold a house and got rid of the Flanders. What's for dinner?
+Well, neighborinos, I guess this is goodbye... I better make this quick or I'm gonna start blubbering like a baby.
+Yeah, me too. Let me know if you need any help.
+Uh, now that you mention it, we could use...
+It was just an expression.
+Mmmm. Goodbye, Ned. If the slightest thing goes wrong with that house, I want you to call me right away. Or you can beep me. In fact, why don't you just stay here tonight? We'll go to a hotel.
+Oh, you're sweet to offer, but, uh, we're all just so tired, we just want to get to our new house and rest in peace.
+So long, Simpsons!
+So long! / Good-bye! / Good luck!
+That old Flanders place gives me the creeps.
+"MY NAME IS LUKA, / I LIVE ON THE SECOND FLOOR..."
+Gimme my car, fatty.
+This is my car! And I'm not fat, it's glandular!
+You've got to tell them the truth, Marge. The truuuuth.
+Hello? Anyone home?
+Oh, hi, Marge. Heh-heh. Guess we gave you quite a start. We were painting Todd's room red -- pretty messy work -- and then we came out here to take a break. Must've dozed off.
+Red room. Red room. Over here.
+Well, I'm just glad you're okay. And I have something to tell you...
+Stop it!
+Come on... Let's hear that snap!
+You're...
+...going...
+...down...
+...punk!
+Whoa! This is sooo dangerous.
+Yeah, you're right.
+What the...? This is Wiggum reporting a 318 -- waking a police officer.
+This is the murder house?!
+Mm-hmm.
+You mean the infamous "Jealous Jockey Murders"?
+Mm-hmm.
+Ahh, of course! This must be where he dropped the dagger. And this is the butler's pantry where Mrs. Astor concealed herself. And right here's where they found the torso heap! In front of our very own fireplace!
+Oh just think, Neddy. We're part of Springfield history!
+Look, Daddy. I'm the Jealous Jockey!
+I'm a torso!
+I'm glad you're not mad, but I lied to you! And I won't feel right until I return your deposit.
+We appreciate the offer, Marge, but I think we're going to be very happy here.
+Uh, Marge? Still got that deposit check?
+Oh. Oh, wow, lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap.
+Hey, quit hoggin'!
+Ohh, I'm badly hurt.
+A smashed hot rod?! A wrecked police cruiser?! A destroyed house?! I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson! You're a loose cannon!
+But I...
+You're one of a kind, Marge. And nobody deserves this more than you.
+Well, I'm proud of you, Mom. You refused to compromise your integrity.
+Yeah, you did the right thing... eventually.
+Still, it would have been nice to bring home at least one paycheck.
+Oh, you will, honey. You will.
+$300 for doing nothing?! I feel like such a crook.
+Don't worry. Gets easier every week.
+Stupid heater! Don't make me come in there!
+Why do you always wait until Christmas Eve to do your shopping? The crowds are just beastly.
+You know me, Marge. I crave the hustle and bustle.
+Homer! Look at this mob! The good toys are probably all gone.
+Oh, Santa's got a little trick up his sleeve.
+Attention, shoppers. Register 9 is now open for your shopping convenience.
+Sorry, these are for display only... This has been recalled... Oo, Bart would like this... We're out of these...
+Out?! But I just --
+Register 9 is now closed.
+Hey, kids, I made your favorite cookies -- Christmas trees for the girls, and bloody spear-heads for Bart.
+Aww, thanks, Mom.
+This year's tree is just perfect. That old aluminum one was so fake.
+I couldn't agree more. From now on, it's plastic all the way.
+Bart, did you hear that?
+Could it be...?
+C'mon, kids. Let's try the lights!
+It's crap-tacular.
+"Hocus-pocus, mucus-pukus..." My powers of deduction tell me you're getting a hand-made sweater. Possiblyyy yellow.
+Mom! Make him stop!
+Bart! Put down that yellow sweater! Nobody's going near their presents until 7 o'clock tomorrow morning.
+Seven A.M. No earlier. And you can't set your alarm clocks 'cause I got 'em!
+For once we're gonna celebrate Christmas as a family.
+Hallooo? Anybody home?
+Ah, 12 glasses of water. That'll wake me up nice and early, and I'll have a big head-start on opening presents. Pure genius.
+You didn't invent that, Bart. The Indians used to drink water to wake up early for their attacks.
+It's always about the Indians, isn't it, Lis?
+Dear Santa. If you bring me lotsa good stuff, I promise not to do anything bad between now and when I wake up. Amen.
+Owww! I'll kill you!
+Go! Go! Go! / We're number 1!
+Gimme a "P"!
+"P"! Go! Go! Go! "P"! "P"! "P"!
+Worked like a charm.
+Oh! Oh! Oh!
+How sweet it is!
+Oh, Aunt Selma. Always good for a fin. Whoa-ho-ho. Here we go.
+The Inferno-buster 3000! I knew Santa wouldn't have time to check that list twice.
+Whoa... Yeah...
+Cool...
+Who designed this house?!
+Homer! I think I heard a noise.
+Knock it off...
+Snow covers all. Pure, white snow.
+I gotta get back to bed!
+What happened?
+What the-- Where's Christmas? Lisa, where's Christmas?
+Bart, what were you doing outside?
+I don't know how to tell you this, but... I came down a little early and... um... well... uh...
+I saw - a burglar and he was - he took - and he got all our stuff. Including the tree.
+We were robbed?
+Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.
+How could somebody...?
+I know...
+Can - we - skip - church?
+Now, um, what did this, ah, Christmas thief look like?
+Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, um... big scar on his cheek...
+Anything unusual?
+Hooks for hands. Um, oh, uh, and he was wearing a striped convict shirt. And he was carrying a big sack with a dollar sign on it.
+Classic burglar.
+Ahh, cheer up. We'll catch this guy.
+Uh, Chief...
+What? You can't rule it out.
+Well, there's no easy way to say it, kids: God hates us.
+Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa?
+Bart's absolutely right. This is the one day that shouldn't be about material things.
+Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks? That'll make us feel better.
+Okay, but they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy.
+Looks like the Flanders are having a nice Christmas.
+Oh yeah? We'll show 'em. Come on, kids, pretend we've got new cross-country skis.
+Merry Christmas, Simpsons!
+That's not as fun as it looks.
+Nothing could be as fun as that looks.
+Hey, look what I got, Bart! A "Tickle Me Krusty!"
+Hey, kid, get your finger outta there!
+Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's goin' on?!
+Oh, the pharmaceutical man come by! And he shot us full of Christmas cheer!
+I can't feel nothin' below my chin!
+Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
+Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.
+Homer, look! Your house is on TV!
+You take that back, Barney!
+Nah, he's right, Homer.
+Stay out of this, old man.
+Dateline: Kent Brockman. I'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary, where a creature was stirring last night. And what he was "stirring" was "up trouble."
+Is your husband or lover here, ma'am?
+No. My husband is... at church.
+Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie.
+Yeah, she's quite a gal.
+You shut up.
+So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?
+How do you think I felt?
+Absolutely devastated. "Absolutely devastated." The words of a heart-broken mother. For there will be no fire truck for little Bart. No sweater for little Lisa. No Cajun sausage for little Homer...
+So while you're home today eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.
+Cooder residence.
+Homer! You won't believe what's happened! It's a miracle!
+Oh, Marge, I don't wanna hear any more about that silver polish.
+People saw our story on the news and they've opened their hearts to us!
+Arr, we just gave what we could.
+Does anyone have change for a button?
+Wow, this really restores your faith in...
+Lisa, do you have to practice that stupid song now?!
+Sorry, Daddy.
+Hey, heard some no-goodnik stole your tree. Well we got a 30 footer, so you can have the top of ours.
+Thanks, Ted.
+Bart, this is Patches, and what was your name?
+Poor Violet.
+Ohhh, I don't like where this is goin'.
+Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad. We want you to have this dollar we were saving.
+Please, I don't deserve this.
+Hey, listen up, everybody! The Simpsons are the best friends I ever had. So I'm givin' them the tip jar from the bar!
+My goodness, there is over $15,000 here.
+Fifteen thousand missoulians?! Holy schlamola! What are you gonna do with all that kablingie?
+Well, if you mean the money, I suppose we'll just replace the items the burglar took from--
+Bo-ring! Spend it on something fun! Go wild! Ha! Right, Seymour?
+Yes. Something wild.
+Yeah, enjoy.
+Get something fun!/ Something stupid!/
+You only live once!
+Hey, speak for yourself.
+Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness!
+Yipee! / Woo hoo! / Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
+God bless you, Bart Simpson. I'd kiss you, but doctor says I'm sick.
+Is this car $15,000?
+It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hundred -- nooo, four hundred and ninety bucks.
+What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it.
+I don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some...? Ow!
+Oh, I'm sorry. I jabbed you with my pen.
+Ow! You're still doing it.
+Yeah, I know.
+Here comes Santa Claus / Here comes Santa Claus / Right down Santa Claus Lane... Vixen and Blitzen all the reindeer pulling at the reins... / Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh...
+Will this Christmas never end?
+Outta my way, snow-poke!
+Slow down, Homer.
+Don't worry, honey. I know exactly what I'm --
+Oopsie.
+Tap the brakes! Tap the brakes!
+Turn into the skid!
+No, away from the skid!
+Hit the brakes! / Floor it! / Stop! / To the left! / Head back!
+Shut up! One at a time! Lisa?
+Bail out!
+That was close.
+I knew this would happen.
+Well, at least the burglar's having a merry Christmas.
+Bart! You're up early.
+I couldn't sleep.
+What's wrong?
+There was no burglar.
+No burglar? / What? / what's he mean?
+I accidentally burned up the tree and the presents. I'm really sorry.
+Why you little...
+Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak!
+Stop that!
+I'm gonna kill you! / No, I'm killing him first! / Why you little... Bart, the next time you ever have... / You went too far...
+Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard luck family, the Simpsons!
+Folks, any words for the Christmas thief, if he's watching?
+Yes, Kent. "Hello, jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure: you do exist."
+Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.
+Also, we want to thank the whole town for their generosity.
+Hey, look!
+It's little Bart's fire truck!
+Little Lisa's sweater? Little Homer's sausage?! What in the name of holy hell is going on here?
+Oh, it's true! We weren't robbed! That part we made up! But the rest is true!
+Wait! He's just covering for me! I destroyed the presents, then I buried the evidence. And I acted alone.
+So the family never knew about any of this.
+Well, the boy told us. But that was after we filed a phony police report.
+And after we spent all the townspeople's money.
+So you can see why my husband had to lie to you a moment ago.
+So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.
+Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave.
+We gave them our vitamin money.
+Hey! Hey! Shoo, ya lousy freeloaders! Come back when you get some parents.
+In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things. But this putrid fraud out-stinks them all.
+And... cut.
+I just want to thank you folks so much. This has turned out to be a great, great story for me.
+I think they're running out of tomatoes.
+Yeah, but they've still got plenty of pumpkins.
+Oh, Homer. I'm so ashamed.
+Relax, Marge. This'll all blow over.
+Oh, no. Look at the line!
+Oh, there they are.
+It's the Simpsons.
+Aw, them stinkin' liars.
+There goes Christmas dinner.
+Head of the line! A family could get used to being shunned. Huh? Huh?
+Hey, look, Sean! It's that family everybody hates!
+What-ever.
+Um, Miss Hoover! Miss Hoover!
+Forget it, Lisa. I'm not teaching you anything until I get my money back. Now turn your desk around and stop learning.
+All the way.
+Hi, liar.
+Run for your lives, everyone! This is not a drill!
+Oh, right, yeah. Then while we're gone, you take our snacks, just like you took our money.
+You tell him, Lenny.
+"...You'll all get yours in hell, you lying, thieving, blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."
+Oh great, now we have to send him a card.
+I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.
+There's only one way out. We've gotta give this greedy town its money back.
+But we don't have $15,000.
+Unless...
+Aren't we forgetting something, Marge? You were down $5,200.
+But Mr. Trebek --
+I asked you before the game if you knew the rules and you said you did. Judges?
+Run, Mom!
+She ain't gettin' the home version.
+I guess we better get used to being pariahs.
+There's no shame in being a pariah.
+Oh no, there's that angry mob again.
+Hey, look who's here, everybody.
+Oh, hi! / Oh, hello! / Hello! / Hi! / Ha!
+They've forgiven us. It's a miracle! You know, deep down, people are pretty g-- Hey, wait a minute! They're taking our stuff!
+Good Lord!
+Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
+If you're headin' for the medicine cabinet, I already been there.
+What the hell's goin' on?
+Well, we hated being mad at ya, Homer, so we decided to make things right.
+Consider your debt repaid, neighbor.
+And then some.
+Look, I know this has been a stressful holiday. But, in a way, having nothing reminds us how lucky we really are.
+We still have each other. And isn't that the best gift of all?
+But we would have had each other anyway.
+Yeah. Plus lots of other stuff.
+Maybe so. But there's one thing they forgot to take away from us. This washcloth.
+Hey, that's my washcloth.
+The hell it is!
+Gimme that! / Uh, gimme that! / No! / Let go! / Gimme that my washcloth! / I want it!
+Stop this madness. It's just a washcloth.
+Besides, it's mine. Yoink!
+Hey, she's getting away with the washcloth!
+Head her off at the stairs!
+I'm over here!
+She's going around the other side. Now get her!
+Oh, I got it! Oh, it's just a thread! It was... She's got... she's got the washcloth!
+We got the popcorn! Did you get "Waiting To Exhale?"
+Well, they put us on the "Waiting to Exhale Waiting List." But they said don't hold your breath.
+Did you get "Emma?" Did you get "Emma?" Did ya? Did ya? Did ya? Huh?
+Whoa. Whoa. Calm down, little lady--Take it easy--Take it easy. No.
+What did you get?
+Something very close, exactly along those lines--A Clint Eastwood - Lee Marvin shoot 'em up western!
+So prepare yourself, for the bloody mayhem and unholy carnage of Joshua Logan's, "Paint Your Wagon!"
+With blood, I bet!
+Hey, that's a pretty sorry lookin' wagon you got there, Mister.
+I reckon' it could use a coat of paint.
+Well, what are we waitin' for!
+GONNA PAINT OUR WAGON / GONNA PAINT IT GOOD / WE AIN'T BRAGGIN' / WE'RE GONNA COAT THAT WOOD.
+THEY'RE GONNA PAINT THAT WAGON / THEY'RE GONNA PAINT IT GOOD / THEY AIN'T BRAGGIN' / THEY'RE GONNA COAT THAT WOOD.
+They're singing! They're singing, Marge! Why aren't they killing each other?
+Yeah, their guns are right there!
+Wait, wait, wait. Here comes Lee Marvin. Thank God. He's always drunk and violent.
+Eh, what the hell is going on in my town?
+We're just paintin' this wagon. You gotta problem with that?
+As a matter of fact, I do. Ya missed a spot.
+Well, grab a brush and join in!
+GONNA PAINT YOUR WAGON / GONNA PAINT IT FINE / GONNA USE OIL BASED PAINT / 'CUZ THE WOOD IS PINE.
+PON-DER-RO-SA PINE!
+Mm! Who knew that Lee Marvin could do such marvelous splits?
+He's dreamy.
+Ooh, why did they have to screw up a perfectly serviceable wagon story with all that fruity singing?
+I thought it was toe-tappin' fun.
+Singing is the lowest form of communication.
+Homer, you sing all the time!
+No I don't, I hate to rhyme.
+You like musicals, don't you Dad?
+NO I DON'T, I THINK THEY'RE BAD / THEY'RE FAKE AND PHONEY AND TOTALLY WRONG.
+WAKE UP DAD / YOU'RE SINGING A SONG!
+I WOULDN'T / I COULDN'T / I HATE THAT STUFF!
+NOW HOMER, LISTEN, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! / IN OUR FAMILY VIDEOS, WE HAVE PLAINLY SEEN / YOU'RE A SINGING, DANCING, ENTERTAINMENT MACHINE!
+MOM WAS RIGHT, YOUR SINGING'S A SIN / YOU'RE AS LES MISERABLES / AS LEE MAR-VIN!
+SURE YOUR DAD'S SINGING / COULD MAKE YOUR HAIR CURL / BUT YOU TOO BART / HAVE SUNG AND DANCED LIKE A GIRL.
+THAT WAS PRETTY BAD, BART / BUT IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE / YOU COULD HAVE BEEN CARRYING A SEQUINED PURSE!
+I HATE TO DANCE AND PRANCE AND SING / THAT'S REALLY MORE OF A MILLHOUSE THING!
+I THINK YOU MOVE LIKE A YOUNG BARYSHNIKOV!
+NOBODY MOVE OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEADS OFF!
+OOOOOO.
+OOOOOO...
+IT'S A DESPERATE CRIMINAL / ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW / PLEASE SPARE MY CHILDREN!
+AND THEIR DAMP-TROUSERED PA.
+A SINGING FAMILY! IT'S WORSE THAN I FEARED / FOR HOSTAGE PURPOSES / YOU'RE JUST TOO WEIRD. / BYE!
+SEE? ALL THIS SINGING SCARED HIM AWAY / IF WE JUST TALKED LIKE NORMAL, HE'D PROBABLY STAY.
+MANY PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN / SING LIKE WE DO / THERE'S MISTER BURNS, THERE'S KRUSTY, AND EVEN APU.
+BECAUSE HE WAS SINGING, WE OVERHEARD HIS PLAN / AND COULD SAVE THOSE DOGS FROM THAT MEAN OLD MAN.
+IT STILL WASN'T WORTH BURNS' SONG AND DANCE.
+I'M BACK, SO RESUME WETTING YOUR PANTS.
+BECAUSE OF YOU ALL, I GOT A TUNE IN MY HEAD / AND THE ONLY WAY TO STOP IT, IS TO MAKE YOU ALL DEAD.
+I knew I should've shut that window.
+SAY YOUR PRAYERS AND THEN IT'S KA-BLAMMO!
+UH-OH, I'LL BE BACK WHEN I GET SOME AMMO. / BYE!
+EVEN THE CRIMINALS ARE BEGINNING TO CROON.
+HOMIE, THIS WHOLE TOWN RUNS ON A TUNE! / OUR CHURCHES, OUR CLUBS OUR GOVERNMENT TOO.
+SPRINGFIELD SWINGS LIKE A PENDULUM DO!
+WE CAN'T EVEN GET ANY LOCAL LAWS PASSED / WITHOUT EVERYONE SINGING LIKE A BIG BROADWAY CAST.
+ALL RIGHT MARGE, YOU'VE CONVINCED ME, THERE ARE MORE TERRIBLE THINGS / THAN MUSICAL COMEDIES WHERE EVERYONE SINGS.
+THERE IS SOMETHING WORSE...
+AND IT REALLY DOES BLOW...
+WHEN A LONG RUNNING SERIES, DOES A CHEESY CLIP SHOW!
+I'M BACK TO COMMIT FELONIOUS ASSAULT / BECAUSE YOUR INFERNAL SINGING JUST WOULD NOT HALT.
+ACTUALLY, WE'RE DONE.
+Done, done.
+And not a moment too soon.
+Oh, okay then. Well, then I got no beef with you. Haw!
+Okay, who wants dinner?
+Me! Me! / I do! I do! I do!
+Well, let's get eatin'.
+All right! All right! Sorry!
+Yo, I told you to stop the music, dudes! I'm serious!
+Oh, oh, oh, you're so not listening.
+Okay I hear that. I hear that dude!
+You too crazy music dude. Gaw!
+Come onnn. You have to go outside to do your... business.
+The experts say that if you want an animal to do something, you should do it yourself first to show him how.
+I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
+Sor-reee, your majesty.
+Hmf. Why don't you want to go out there?
+The kids were supposed to be keeping this yard clean.
+Oh, Ned! I'm so sorry!
+Oh-ho-ho. No problem, Marge. Oh.
+Turn on the TV, Lis.
+You turn it on. I turned it on yesterday.
+Allowance Day. Ding ding ding ding ding.
+You don't deserve an allowance.
+Sure we do. Ding ding ding ding ding.
+Ding ding ding ding ding...
+Ice-cream-man-Ice cream-man!
+That backyard is a disgrace. Now get busy.
+That's a good suggestion, Mom.
+We'll take it under advisement.
+But I can't go out dressed like this! What if someone sees me?
+You're just going into our backyard. No one will see you.
+Aw, man. Look at all this stuff: "Pull weeds, mow lawn, scoop and bag 'dog business...'"
+There's gotta be a way out of this. Lisa, chop off my hands!
+No! Then who'd chop off my hands?
+All right, you chop my hands half way off and then I'll still have enough strength to chop...
+Get to work!
+Kids, I made some lemonade for you.
+Sounds great.
+Bring it in here.
+What the? What are you doing inside?
+Work was hard, so we quit.
+Hard work made us quit.
+I see. Well then, no chores, no allowance.
+Okay. We get our room and board free anyway.
+And Santy Claus provides the rest.
+The Carnival!
+We need money fast!
+Well, well, well...
+Looks like somebody's gonna have to do some yard --
+It's carnival time!
+Here's money, kids! Take what you need!
+Oh boy! / All right, free money! / Wow!
+Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
+Oo! Oo! I want to see Lobster Boy and Shrimp Girl!
+I want some Fried Sugar!
+I wanna go on the Yard-work Simulator!
+But when we ask you to do yardwork...
+Wow, the Tooth Chipper!
+Oo! Oo! Me first!
+You can't go on that. You have a heart condition.
+Heart condition? Get outta here.
+You had a quadruple bypass. You nearly died. Don't you remember?
+Obviously, I don't. Now if you'll get out of my way...
+But it doesn't look safe. And the guy running it looks a little seedy. No offense.
+None taken.
+He's not just some "guy," Marge. He's a carny, and part of a noble tradition. Carnies built this country. The carnival part of it, anyway. And though they may be rat-like in appearance, they are truly kings among men.
+Okay, let's go, fatty.
+Yes, sir!
+Ow, my heart!
+What in the name of high school football?!
+Out of my way! I'm Hitler!
+Fear! Fear in the pit of your stomach! No surgeon can save you! No Bromo can soothe you! Do you dare enter the Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein? Only two tickets left!
+Two tickets? Whoa, what a break!
+This isn't very scary.
+I vant your blood.
+Um, I think that one's broken.
+That was just confusing.
+Behold the ravages of age.
+Boo. Exit to your left.
+And they're off. There they go.. Looks like number one is gonna blow...
+Why does this always happen when I stand here? What is it about this exact spot?
+It's happening again!
+Three rings for a dollar. Who's ready? Who's ready?
+See any pigeons yet dad?
+Do do do do do...
+Do do do do do...
+How 'bout you, Lucky!
+Who, me?
+Hey, Saw-Top, want your Dad to win you a TV?
+Quick, Dad. Before somebody else wins it!
+Ooh, almost... Rats, too hard... Oh, that was close... Wow, what a scam.
+Sorry, son. Daddy failed.
+Oh, listen pal, I gotta son of my own. Here.
+A novelty comb! Kings among men...
+You're looking at Adolf Hitler's personal limousine. It's roomier than Bonnie and Clyde's Death Car and was the first automobile to come with fahrvegnugen!
+Wow, it's fuehrer-rific!
+There are some who say Hitler's skeleton is in the trunk. Others say just his spare tire. I'm a busy man, so I haven't checked yet.
+Hm... One of these must activate the flame thrower.
+Cops took it.
+Ow! Ow! Man, that hurts. Oh, I can't stand it.
+You are...
+...in grave danger.
+You wrecked Hitler's car. What did he ever do to you?
+Why, you just damaged the main attraction of my carnival, son.
+Hey, I thought I was your main attraction.
+Well... I... Ah... Oh... Oh, you are, Humphrey. You are.
+Hey, he's getting away.
+Not so fast, pardner. You owe me some money.
+Hey, come on! He doesn't have any money. Look at his clothes.
+Hmm, well, I still can't let him off the hook. You're gonna work off your debt right here.
+At the carnival? Cool!
+Hey, that's not fair! I wanna be a carny, too! Can I, mister? Huh? Can I? Please?
+I don't know... You gonna get drunk and start a lot of trouble?
+Sure, anything you want.
+All right, see you tomorrow. Six a.m. And you're gonna work like you've never worked before.
+Woo hoo!
+We just saw the most amazing camel!
+It was wearing a hat!
+Son, if you don't finish your cotton candy, you won't get your Sno-cone.
+Aw, heck.
+Hey, you lost your money fair and square. I didn't scam nobody.
+Oh-ho, put down your stick. We're here to work.
+Starting today, we're carnies. Just like you.
+Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you. Have a seat. Spud, throw a couple more apples in the caramel.
+Aw, now don't worry. That's just to scare off thieves.
+Yeah, he's telling the truth.
+Thanks for the food, Mister...
+Name's Cooder. This is my boy, Spud. And there's no need to thank us. We carnival folk look out for each other. That's the Carny Code.
+Did ya hear that, Bart? The Carny Code. Bart, did you hear that?
+Ah, there you are. You two ready to work?
+Yes, sir!
+So what's our first job, huh? Test the roller coaster?
+Fry up some cheese?
+Hose down the freaks?
+Somethin' like that, yeah.
+Ohh, this isn't fun... Maybe if you didn't go to the bathroom so much, you wouldn't be so small.
+Please, folks. Hold your fire. The water level is dangerously low. Oh!
+Oh-ho-ho-ho! Ow! My leg!
+All right, now this geek bit is pretty straightforward. You just bite the heads off the chickens and take a bow.
+Go on, give it a try. And remember, big smiles.
+Oh. Bart?
+Yeah, Dad?
+Do I like chicken?
+Does it matter?
+I guess not.
+Hey, boss. Uh, me and Spud gotta duck out for our AA meetin'. We need someone to cover for us.
+Okay. Simpson, you and your boy'll be taking over the ring toss.
+Dad, we're saved!
+Buddy, you're the luckiest chicken in the world.
+Ya see, the trick here is, the rings won't fit over the good prizes.
+Oh, we'll see about that. Gimme ten rings.
+So, anyway... uh, the main thing is to bring in the rubes.
+Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the 30s that no one uses anymore...
+Like "rubes"?
+Now you're on the trolley.
+Well, we gotta git. Here's the money box. Uh, any questions?
+Ah, yes. How do we handle refunds?
+I'm gonna give this to you.
+Good move.
+Gimme ten rings.
+What?! Why didn't you bribe them?
+Lookie, lookie, hey, hey, wocka, wocka! I got rings and you want 'em! Win a genuine Ronex watch. Just like a real moogie star!
+Hey, there's a sucker.
+Aw, c'mon, Dad. Get on the trolley.
+Hey, highpockets! Win somethin' for your girlfriend?
+Seymour, I want that lamp. Win that lamp for me, Seymour.
+All right, Simpson, be honest with me. Is it actually possible to win this game?
+If I like ya, it is.
+Hot dog! Let's go!
+No, throw it over the peg... Well that's no good... Oh, no... Are you blind?
+I'm trying, Mother. It's hard!
+You're failing, Seymour. What is it about you and failure?
+We're natural born carnies, Dad. If only we weren't tied down with a family...
+Yeah, we could start our own game, where people throw ducks at balloons, and nothing's the way it seems.
+Ah, I hate to interrupt your fun, boys...
+But I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
+And how...
+Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, ah, "understanding" here...
+I understand.
+Um, hey, Dad, I, I think he wants a...
+Not right now, son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.
+Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend "Bill." Have you seen any "Bills" around here?
+No. He's Bart.
+Listen carefully and watch me wink as I speak. Okay?
+The guy I'm really looking for, wink, is Mr. "Bribe," wink, wink.
+It's a ring toss game.
+All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.
+Well, ain't that somethin'.
+Our game! Our home! Wh-what happened here?
+I was trying to, but the opportunity never came up.
+Oh, good Lord. Our whole life was in that trailer. What are we gonna do now?
+Can't you stay in the Whack-A-Mole game?
+Naw. Fantastic Dan lives there.
+Did-ja call me, Spud?
+Look at 'em, Bart. If a carny can wind up homeless, it can happen to anyone.
+I'm goin' for a corn dog. You want one?
+Yes, but first there's a little matter of the Carny Code.
+Cooder, Spud. Get off that hog. You're coming to stay at our house.
+Why did you shudder just now, Mom?
+I don't know.
+You certainly have a nice house here, ma'am.
+It must have taken you years to win all this stuff.
+Let me get you a coaster for those feet.
+Hey, check this out. I can unhinge all my joints at once.
+Doin' anything tonight, blue eyes?
+How long are those roustabouts going to be staying here?
+Oh, it won't be long. Once their resume gets out, they'll have all kinds of offers. The older one can pull out his left eye.
+Little help?
+Here's a little trick my grandmother taught me.
+Wow. Can you do that again?
+Ech, not for a little while.
+So Mr. Cooder, how long have you been in the traveling amusement industry?
+Aw hell, the Cooders have been carnies ever since we came here in 1620, clingin' to the side of the Mayflower.
+Thanks for dinner, Mom. I love you.
+Aw, aren't you sweet? Hey, my pearls!
+Spud taught me that.
+Good one, Spud.
+Well, sure is awful kind of ya to take us into your beautiful home here. I just wish we had some way to repay ya.
+Yeah, good thinkin', Spudford. Ah, you folks ever been on a glass bottom boat ride? 'Cause we just happen to have some tickets.
+Ooo, what a nice surprise! This is so generous of you, Cooder.
+Now who's the filthy sleezebag, uh Marge?
+The undersea world certainly is full of wonders.
+Ooo, look at that. / Ooo. / Mmm.
+That's our sister ship, the Athena. Went down with 88 souls just last week.
+I wonder how that happened?
+Hey, come on, Sharky. / Hey, you want a piece of this? / You call yourself the king of the jungle? / Etc.
+That was fun. I wish we had a glass bottom car. I can't help but wonder what we're missing.
+I was wrong about the Cooders, Dad. They're the nicest of all the transients you've ever brought home.
+And how. / Heck yeah. / Yes they are. / You betcha.
+That's weird. The key doesn't fit.
+Hey, someone's boarded up our windows!
+Check this out!
+What's going on?
+Cooder! What have you done to our house?
+It's ours now. Tell us where the extra sheets are and get off our property.
+They're squatting in our house?
+You can't do this to me. What about the Carny Code?
+Carnies took over our house. You've gotta help us.
+Well, well, look who's here. Mr. No Bribe. Sure, we'll help ya. Just sit down and wait for Detective Like-I-give-a-damn.
+Thank you so much.
+Honey, Daddy's waiting for the detective.
+I found some food for breakfast. I hope everyone likes the red things that grow on this tree.
+Bart, you're brushing your teeth with my twig.
+So. I let you use my leaves.
+That Urkle's a hoot.
+Listen to 'em, watching my television, sittin' on my couch... You better not be in my ass-groove!
+It took me years to forge that groove.
+Ugh! One of them's playing my saxophone!
+Oh, no! The spit valve! Release the spit valve!
+Over the sink! Over the sink!
+Hey, look at me! I'm a millionaire!
+Wow, Dad! You look like James Bond!
+Ha, ha. Hey, it's gettin' a little cold in here. Throw another one of them photo albums on the fire.
+Which one? "Precious Moments" or "Treasured Memories?"
+Quit your yappin'! I'm freezin'!
+Good Morning everybody.
+Homer!!
+Stupid Gravity.
+We can't just give up our home. There's gotta be a way to get those guys out of there.
+I say we set fire to the house. Kill 'em that way.
+We don't want to kill them, Bart. We just want our home back.
+Well... if we did set fire to the house...
+No fires!
+I've got it!
+No fires.
+There must be a way to outsmart them.
+Aw, you can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with those crooked games. That's it! Fire! Or...
+I've got a proposition for you, Cooder.
+Yeah, I'm listenin'.
+One game of ring toss. If I can throw this Hula Hoop onto the chimney, you'll give us our house back. If I miss, I'll sign the deed over to you.
+Homer, no!
+Oh, you'll never make it, Dad!
+So we'd own the house legit?
+That's right.
+Oh, I can't watch.
+What...?
+Hey, they just ran into the house. That Homer fella grifted you good, Dad.
+Well, there's no shame in being beaten by the best.
+But he didn't seem all that...
+We were beaten by the best, boy.
+I'm so proud of you, Homer. You got us our house back.
+Way to go, Dad. You actually outwitted someone.
+Yeah, I guess your old man is smarter than you thought.
+Look at 'em standing out there. No place to go. Heh, heh. Poor guys. Hey, what if we let 'em stay here for just a few days?
+Mom. Get him away from the window.
+Homer...
+My groove!
+They mushed it all out of shape.
+All right, better put on a pot of coffee, Marge. This could take a while.
+Come on now, just a little more. Little more to the left... to the left there. What did he do this thing? Almost... Ahhhhhhhhh
+Thanks for lettin' me skip school to see the team come back from the championship, Dad.
+I always say, a boy can learn more at an airport than he can at any school.
+Hey, I need to see your claim checks for that luggage!
+Oh, of course, I have it right here!
+I'll need to see yours too.
+You got it!
+I'll take your word for it.
+You're just doing your job!
+Do you have anything by Robert Ludlam?
+Get out.
+Look at the outrageous mark-up! You magnificent bastard, I salute you!
+I just got a bunch of fruity Easter eggs.
+Ew! Another liver transplant!
+Oh no, not again.
+You're not gettin' away that easy, little fella.
+Have you heard of Krishna Consciousness?
+This, Bart, is a crazy man.
+Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!
+Right. That'll work.
+A new and better life awaits you on our distant home planet, Blisstonia.
+Hmm. Makes sense.
+We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend.
+How much is this free resort weekend?
+It's free.
+And when is this weekend?
+It's this weekend.
+Uh huh. And how much does it cost?
+Um, it's free.
+I see. And when is it?
+It's this weekend.
+And what are you charging for this free weekend?
+C'mon, Dad! The team's arriving!
+It's free, right?
+Hey, Look! There's a big crowd to welcome us back! Even though we lost!
+Hey, I'll give you something to cry about, ya loser! You can't catch a football?! Let's see if you can catch a rock!
+I've never heard of these Movementarians. Are they some kind of church?
+No we don't, Mother!
+Who cares what it is? The point is these are some decent, generous people that I can take advantage of.
+But what if they try to talk us into something?
+Marge, Marge, Marge. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?
+You bought four of them. Thank God the check bounced.
+So, I beat the system.
+Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.
+Yes. I am the highly suggestible type.
+Welcome, brother!
+Outta my way, jerk ass!
+NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA FISH-ING / NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA FISH-ING / FISH-ING, FISH-ING--
+Hi, how are y--
+Fish-ing.
+It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the Leader.
+Who the hell is that? Some kind of leader?
+Yes. He's the head of our perfect family. And when our galactic vehicle is complete, he will take us to our new home, Blisstonia.
+Why don't you come chat with us about the Leader at the Welcome Center.
+Will there be beer?
+Beer is not allowed.
+Homer no function beer well without.
+Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment?
+What kind of beer?
+The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.
+Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.
+Just come up and watch our orientation film. You're free to leave at anytime.
+Wow, a free movie. Thanks! Outta my way, jerk ass.
+Whoa, you've got my number on that one, buddy! This is a smart group.
+And your stink brings tears to my eyes!
+Now wait a minute, Moe --
+Once we collect enough money for fuel, our Leader will throw open the doors of The Forbidden Barn, where we will all board our inter-galactic vehicle -- rows 1 through 30 first. Upon our arrival, we will begin our new perfect lives on Blisstonia, well known for its high levels of bliss.
+Hey, I don't know about you, but uh, they're not exactly winning me over with these lousy production values here. I'm gonna slip out.
+Uh, you're free to leave whenever you want. But uh -- would mind telling us why?
+Oh, I just didn't...Uh, I didn't think...Um, oh, it's - it's pretty good.
+Man, this whole place puffs on the wacky tabacky. I'm outta here.
+Going somewhere? Though you're free to do so.
+Uh no, just rearranging my underwear. Ah, there it is.
+When you surrender yourself to the Movementarians, you are guaranteed a perfect life of serenity, love and loving serenity. Not a guarantee.
+Loving serenity. It's about damn time.
+I love the Leader!
+The Leader is perfect!
+Wait - I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs was setting them up?
+What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.
+Well, you see, when I get bored, I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.
+But our point is very simple. You see when --
+Ooh, look a bird.
+The "Circle of Judgment" never fails to destroy their self esteem. Then he'll be ours to mold.
+Let the judgment begin! I'll get the ball rolling. You're a fat idiot!
+Yeah, lose some weight! / Amen you're fat / moron-type
+Uh yeah, I guess I could lose a few pounds. And I can be kind of thick sometimes.
+You've failed at everything you've ever tried.
+Oh, my mistake.
+Why isn't our low protein gruel wearing down his resistance like all the others?
+It doesn't wear down your resistance if you eat a whole month's supply.
+He even ate mine!
+You gonna finish that, bony?
+Let's try the chant. Everyone loves a droning, repetitive chant.
+Attention, everyone! Let's all give thanks to the Leader for this glorious day!
+The Leader is good. / The Leader is great. / We surrender our will. / As of this date.
+The Leader is good. / The Leader is great. / We surrender our will. / As of this date.
+It's no use. He's obviously the most powerful mind we've ever dealt with.
+Or... NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA LEADER / NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA LEADER....
+NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA LEADER / NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA LEADER / LEA-DER, LEA-DER, LEA-DER!
+BATMAN! / I MEAN, LEADER! I LOVE THE LEADER!
+You what?!
+Come again, Marge?
+You what?!
+I've joined the Movementarians! And so have all of you!
+We what?
+All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to the house, and a commitment of ten trillion years of labor.
+I can't go along with this, Homer.
+Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family.
+Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?
+I have not been brainwashed. Kill the girl. Kill the girl.
+What? What did I say?
+Church, cult. Cult, church. So we get bored someplace else every Sunday. Does this really change our day-to-day lives?
+I don't think that's gonna do it.
+Of course not! Except that we're all moving to the Movementarian Agricultural Compound to be near the Leader and serve him.
+I'm not leaving my home!
+Oh, yes you are. I'm afraid it's our home now. This house will become the new local Welcome Center for this district.
+And it didn't cost us a dime.
+Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect calling themselves the Movementarians.
+In exchange for your home and all your money, the Leader of this "way-out" and wrong religion, claims he'll take believers away on his spaceship to the planet Blisstonia. Excuse my editorial laugh. But...
+Ladies and gentlemen, I've just learned of a change in this station's management. Welcome, Movementarians! Continue to improve our lives! I love you, Perfect Leader. And new C.E.O. of K-B-B-O broadcasting!
+Homer Simpson, your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years. Then something might open up in a double.
+Hah, why even unpack?
+Dad and all these other people are obviously the products of mental conditioning.
+Yeah, maybe it'll wear off. Like his interest in C.B. radio.
+That's a negatory, good buddy!
+I kinda think it's cool. Just pretend you're in a zombie movie. Besides, this is just another place for me to wreak my special brand of hysterical havoc.
+These rubes in robes haven't met the likes of Bart Simpson before.
+I love the Leader.
+Of course you do.
+This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools... Let us say the Lord's Prayer forty times. But first, let's pass the collection plate.
+Looks like slim pickin's today, Reverend.
+Oh, Lord. Uh, try the emergency plate, Ned.
+See, Marge? Our lives are so much better now!
+You two! Stop talking and resume the lima bean harvest!
+When we got married, you promised me my harvesting days were over.
+Look! The Forbidden Barn opens!
+The Leader! / He's coming! / The Leader is coming! / The Leader! / etc.
+Oh boy! We get to see the Leader pass by.
+We toil in the fields and he rides around in a Rolls Royce?
+Yes, it would be nice if he'd buy American, but what are ya gonna do?
+I'm covered in the dust of the Leader! He favors me!
+I am even dustier! Dustier than thou!
+Oh, look who the new pet is!
+I've never been so happy.
+Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "The Leader?" He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax exempt status.
+Actually sir, with our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay three dollars a year.
+You're right. We're getting screwed! There must be something I can do about this. Wait! Yes! I think I know just the thing!
+Uh, sir, you have to tell me what your plan is, or nothing will happen.
+Oh, yes, of course, the plan! You see me as a God, right Smithers?
+Absolutely, sir.
+You'd kneel before me.
+Boy, would I.
+Yes -- Uh, then I'll form my own religion!
+With its own symbol. We'll use this "Special K!"
+I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.
+And people worship it?
+In a way.
+All right, then. Uh, how about this?
+Uh, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir.
+Ladies and gentlemen, behold your new God...Mr. Burns!
+Ahoy hoy, lowly mortals! In addition to working for me, you may now praise me as your Almighty!
+Amen, sir.
+Ahh, we'll try this again tomorrow.
+Ah, he's all right, but he's no bowl of Special K.
+This is ridiculous, we're already married!
+But Marge, we're not mass married.
+At least you got to choose your mate. We got matched up on the print-out.
+Hey, remember our agreement. I'm the man.
+You're the man!
+I could've done a lot worse, Mother.
+Speak for yourself.
+So, do you enjoy comic books?
+And who can tell me where thunder and lightning come from? Yes, Bart?
+The Leader, Ma'am.
+Very good, Bart. And who invented Morse code?
+Oh, I should know this one. Th--The Leader?
+Ah, correct again.
+He's wrong! You're wrong! The whole damn system is wrong!
+What's the matter, Lisa? You used to be such a good student. Don't you want to please your teachers and get good grades?
+Grades?
+We love him...He loves we...We're the Leader's Fa-mi-ly.
+These lima beans are even better than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch. Oh! A lima bean that looks just like the Leader! I'll put it with the others.
+Homer, you know I always try to put the best face on everything. But there's no face on that damn bean! We hate it here and the family wants to leave.
+We love the Leader!
+No-o-o-o-o-o-o!!! All righty, time for bed.
+I'm leaving this place, and you'd better step aside!
+Lady, people are free to go whenever they wish.
+Oh, I never thought I'd have to do this again.
+Reverend Lovejoy! You've got to help me! My entire family has been taken in by the evil Movementarians.
+Oh, I feel for you my child, and I'd like to help you.
+Now, how are we going to get my Homie back?
+I'll kidnap him for fifty. De-program him for a hundred. And I'll kill him for five hundred.
+No, no, no. Just the first two.
+All right. I'll throw in the killin' for free.
+Yaaay! Here comes the Leader!
+What an honor! We've been called into the presence of --
+Marge? You're the Leader? You don't look anything like the beans.
+Knock 'im out, Reverend!
+Oh, the Devil has given him superhuman strength!
+Give me that, you noodle-armed choir boy!
+Well, that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt.
+Look, let's the three of us try it together.
+Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks. I promise you that.
+Hey, I made some Rice Krispy squares for our hungry deprogramerinos!
+Ah, man! You ruined the atmosphere, you daft pansy!
+Well, this is my rumpus room.
+Ach! Don't call it that!
+Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon.
+The Lawyers.
+Attention all citizens! Even though the Leader himself is completely non-violent, he urges you to be as violent as you like in capturing the Simpsons.
+What are you doing? They're not here, you idiots!
+Idiots? That's slander, sir. And we have it on tape.
+All right, I'll get out my checkbook.
+What was that?
+So, you kids really love the Leader, huh? Even more than your parents?
+Oh yeah! / Absolutely! / At least twice as much!
+All right, already! But do you love the Leader more than having your very own, brand new -- Hoverbikes?
+What do you have to say about the Leader now? Hunh? Hunh?
+The hell with him! / What Leader? / He can take a flying leap as far as I'm concerned! / Lea-who?
+And who do you love now?
+Hoverbikes!!
+Close enough.
+Sorry kids, there's no such thing as Hoverbikes. They're just a couple of Huffys on a fishing line!
+But we heard them hovering!
+Oh ho, I'm afraid I played a dirty part in this little charade.
+Well, can we at least keep the bikes?
+Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! They're due back at the store by six. Get off 'em! Get off, off! Get off!
+All right, Now, what's so all-fired great about your fancy-pants Leader?
+The Leader knows all and sees all.
+Eww, well, that is impressive.
+And he's going to take us to a wonderful new planet.
+Does anyone here like food?
+Oh! This Leader, he sounds like a grand fella.
+Willie, I'm not sure we're making any headway here.
+Would you shut up, woman! He's talkin' about my Leader!
+Uh, maybe we should take a little break-a-rooney, huh? Anyone like a draft beer?
+Hmm... Would you like a tall frosty one, Homer?
+Go ahead! Give in! Beer! Beer!
+Ooh, these cotton-poly blends are sooo comfortable!
+Go on, Homer. Our commandments clearly state that beer is all right. Try some.
+This man is coming with us!
+Homer, you don't have to go with them!
+But I want to go.
+Well, I would say the matter is settled.
+You know, I pride myself on being a good host, so I'm obliged to offer you a beer. But I'm so darn mad it's gonna be mostly head.
+Homer, come back!
+That's my husband!
+He's our husband now.
+I'm glad I'm back! Because the moment that sweet, sweet beer hit my tongue, I was born again!
+Hallelujah!
+Now I can show all of you what I've come to realize. The reason we're not allowed in the Forbidden Barn is because there is no inter-galactic spaceship! He's taken our money just so he can...build one hell of a spaceship!
+Homer Simpson! Because of your lack of faith, you've ruined mankind's chance for salvation!
+Whoops.
+Nice going there, Homer.
+Omigosh! Maybe he was telling the truth about everything.
+Oh, mercy! He's the real deal!
+Awww...
+Come back! Come back! Willy still loves you, oh Great One!
+Stranger, you're a trespassing on my dirt farm.
+Uh, do you happen to need a messiah?
+No, but I'll take them sacks of money from ya.
+I should have stayed with the Promise Keepers.
+Dammit, it fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in. Oh, I guess it's back to good old fashioned voodoo.
+Whoa, I need a drink.
+Come with me.
+Uh, is that your collar, Reverend?
+Ah yes, how did that get down there?
+Come back to papa, baby.
+To think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.
+And you Marge, the bringer of beer!
+It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.
+You said it, sister.
+You are watching Fox.
+We are watching Fox.
+Noah! Thou shalt buildst thyself an ark measuring 300 cubits in length.
+300 cubits... give or take.
+EXACTLY 300! And thou shalt takest two of every creature...
+Two creatures...
+Two of every creature!
+Even stink beetles?
+Especially stink beetles!
+Whoa, cool! God is so in-your-face.
+Yeah. He's my favorite fictional character.
+Ooh, it's so late. You kids have to go to bed.
+But the flood's only knee-high! At least let us watch 'til the midgets drown.
+Yeah, Mom, c'mon. You let us stay up to watch Troy McClure in such other bible epics as "David vs. Super Goliath" and "Suddenly, Last Supper."
+Go, Lis! Way to cite precedent! Ah ha!
+We're saved! / I love food! / All right! / He did it!
+Oh, all right. You can stay up late tonight. But tomorrow everyone's going to bed at five o'clock.
+Woo hoo!
+Aw, those poor badgers are soaked.
+Quiet. God looks like he has something important to say.
+Go forth, Noah, and remember: the key to salvation is--
+You've seen the movie, now meet a real-life Noah. O-only this Noah has been accused of killing two of every animal... Coming up next, on A.M. Springfield!
+Oh my goodness! That was a long movie! It's time for school! Let's go! Let's go!
+I can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers. I have Smallpox... Well, it wasn't wiped out in my house.
+Okay, delegates. You leave tomorrow for the statewide model U.N., so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will.
+Lighten up, Lis.
+Finland, let's see that native dance.
+Smile more... Work that pelvis... No, too much smile... Sit down.
+Poland, tell us about your nation's achievements.
+Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once, at night. And there was that submarine with the screen doors--
+No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning.
+Oh, grow up, Lis.
+O-okay, Libya. Exports.
+Yes, sir, you American pig.
+Nice touch.
+Ah, uh-hum. Let's see. Ah. The exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn...
+Or as the Indians call it, maize. Another famous Indian was Crazy Horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrasts. Thank you.
+I can't breathe. Please stop him.
+Uh, I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.
+Point of order. If we want to learn anything, we must respect...
+Point of odor. Lisa stinks.
+Hey, leave her alone!
+You leave her alone!
+He started it! / You're not the boss of me! / Who put you in charge?
+Oh, Ca - na - da...
+Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
+Have a great weekend, kids! Be nice to the underprivileged countries.
+Good luck, Ralphie! If your nose starts bleeding, it means you're picking it too much. Or not enough.
+Okay, kids. Otto's in charge. Remember, Otto, we're trusting you with our greatest natural resource, the school bus.
+Water bill, third notice... jury duty, third notice... mortgage bill, ooh, second notice...
+Flancrest Enterprises?
+Oops! That's for me. Flancrest Enterprises is my home business.
+You liar. You don't have a home business. Why would you make up a lie like that?
+No-ho-ho, it's true! Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the Internet.
+Internet, eh?
+Yes indeedy. Makin' some good scratch, too.
+Scratch, eh?
+Maude, eh?
+Homer, what are you doing?
+No time to answer that, Marge. I'm setting up a home office for my new business enterprise.
+What business enterprise?
+Ever heard of a little thing called the Internet?
+Internet, eh?
+Oh yeah, everybody's making money off the Internet except us. We've fallen behind. Way behind.
+Is that my good butter?
+Can't discuss that now, Marge. I have to write another delicious memo.
+Mmm... memo.
+Sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall / Sixty-three bottles of beer / Take one down / Pass it around...
+Oh, this song is driving me crazy!
+"B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o..."
+Man, I don't know why I bought this stupid tape.
+Hey, Simpson -- race ya!
+First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money.
+Go apple!
+Go orange!
+Go banana!
+Make way for grapefruit! Gooo grapefruit!
+What the...?!
+It burns! I can't see!
+Stay calm, kids. I need you to be my eyes!
+Okay, which way should I turn?
+Go banana!
+Just hang tight, kids. I'll swim for help.
+What the?... Zeppelin ruules!
+I guess this is the end, Wendell.
+He's Wendell. I'm Lewis.
+Whatever. Just tell Wendell I said bye.
+Somebody help me! I think I'm getting swimmer's ear!
+This is all Lisa's fault. She started the stupid U.N. club.
+Hey, Martin seconded the motion. It's entirely his fault.
+People, people. Let's not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse's fault.
+Yeah! You and your stupid grapefruit almost got us killed.
+What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!
+... And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.
+How many monkey butlers will there be?
+One at first. But he'll train others.
+Cool! / Yeah! / Monkey butlers! / Etc.
+Good, let's get to work. Me and Nelson will build the treehouse. Martin, draw up plans for a coconut radio and, if possible, a coconut Nintendo system.
+What about the rest of us?
+You guys gather food for the big feast tonight. And maybe a little wine for the older kids.
+Delicious wine?
+Exactly.
+What am I gonna call my Internet company? All the good names are taken. Oh, wait, I've got it! Flancrest Enterprises.
+What exactly is it your company does again?
+Uh, this industry moves so fast, it's really hard to tell. That's why I need a name that's cutting edge, like Cutco... or Edgecom... Interslice... Come on, Marge -- you're good at these. Help me out.
+How about CompuGlobal HyperMegaNet?
+Fine. It's not important. What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself Vice President. No, wait... Junior Vice President.
+CompuGlobal HyperMegaNet. Junior Vice President Homer Simpson speaking. How may I direct your call?
+It's Patty.
+Food patrol, we're all starved. Let's see what you've got.
+That's it? What happened to all the lobsters, mangoes and chewy chewy cocoa beans?
+All we found were these oozing berries. And they look pretty poisonous.
+I eated the purpleberries.
+How are they, Ralph? Good?
+They taste like burning.
+Okay, food patrol blew it.
+Yeah? Well, your tree house looks kinda crummy, too. Kinda really crummy.
+Well, when monsoon season comes, you'll be glad it's there.
+Oh. No food, no shelter, no monkey butlers... This island is a death-hole. We should've just swum for it like Otto.
+Well, I'm done for. At least I'll leave a beautiful corpse.
+Oh, thank the Good Dude, I'm saved! And we can go back for the kids, too!
+Hm. Wo-min guantou shi-pin chang hai xuyao nuli gongren ma?
+Nul i gongen bulun zenme duo dou bu hui guo fen!
+I think I'm gonna like it on this boat.
+Run for your lives!
+Monster! Monster!
+There's no monster, you big Scaredy. Scaredy got scare-ared.
+Well, you'd be scared too if you saw a monster.
+Nuh-uh.
+Uh-huh.
+Unlikely.
+Likely.
+Knock it off. We gotta find a way to light a fire.
+No problem. We can use Scaredy's glasses.
+Hey! What's he doin'? What's that sound?
+There you go. Good as new.
+What's good as new? Who's talking?
+I'm so hungry, I could eat at Arby's.
+Oh, my gosh. Ooh. / / Etc.
+She really is hungry.
+She's really hungry.
+It's the monster!
+No it's not, it's my tummy. I mean stomach. Gut. Crap factory.
+Wait a minute... We had a cooler full of snacks on the bus.
+Hey, yeah! And I think I know how I can get it.
+Hey, I need that to live!
+We may have to live on this food for a long time, so no more till tomorrow.
+But I'm hungry now.
+Yeah! / Me too!
+Yeah! Who put the Duchess of Dork in charge?
+No one, but if we're gonna survive, we need rules and order. Let's not forget what we learned in the U.N. Club.
+Not now, Martin.
+Who wants rations?
+Me! / I do! / Let's eat!
+I'm so hungry, I could puke.
+Where'd all the food go?
+Mornin'. Is it time to eat?
+Looks like you already did.
+What are you talkin' about?
+You ate our food.
+Thanks a lot, Milhouse. Now we're all gonna die because of you.
+But I swear I didn't do it.
+Nacho cheese. Get him!
+You wouldn't dare hurt me! You forget that I have... THE GLASSES!
+Now that you've got everything you need, I'll just, you know, get out of your hair.
+Not so fast, two eyes. C'mon, let's slice him open and get our food back.
+Wait! We're not savages! We live in a society of law. Milhouse has the right to a fair trial!
+Ohh man.
+Society blows.
+Ooo, Captain Janeway... Mmmf. Lace, the final brassiere.
+Oh, hurry up, I'm a busy man! Ugh, this high-speed modem is intolerably slow.
+Hey, what the-- Huh, the Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity.
+Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?
+WHA...?!
+I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5-megabit fiber-optic T1 line.
+Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token-ring ethernet LAN configuration?
+Can I have some money now?
+Uhm, is this cage really necessary?
+No talking in the cage. Court is now in session. All rise.
+Ah-ha! Made you rise.
+Your honor, the defense calls its first and only witness: Milhouse Van Houten.
+/ Oh, Milhouse Van Houten.
+Milhouse, did you steal the food?
+Nuh-uh. No way.
+Could anyone else have taken it?
+Well... I guess you could of.
+Milhouse! I am defending you!
+Oh, sorry. I'm just saying, it was either you or the monster.
+Monster? Oh, please.
+I remind you, we are not here to debate the existence of monsters.
+Aww. / Too bad. / I wanted to.
+The defense has just one more question.
+Did any one of you actually see Milhouse eat the food?
+I rest my case.
+Prosecutor, your witness.
+You liar! You did it, ya lyin' jerk! Take that! You did it! You did it! Ma--
+Object-Objection! He's not asking any questions!
+Hmm. I'm gonna allow this.
+Prosecution rests.
+After careful deliberation, it's my opinion that Milhouse probably did eat the food. But since there's no proof, I must find him not guilty.
+All right!
+Ohhh... / Aw, man.
+But he ate our food!
+The law has spoken.
+Ah, sucks to the law!
+Stop! Leave Milhouse alone! Help me out here, Bart.
+I don't know, Lis... to be honest, that verdict made me pretty angry.
+Bart's with us, law girl! Step aside!
+Hey, man! Leave my sister alone!
+Oh, so you're one of them. So be it. KILL-THE-DORKS!
+BASH-THEIR-BUTTS!
+KICK-THEIR-SHINS!
+KILL-THE-DORKS! / BASH-THEIR-BUTTS--
+RUN-A-WAY!
+The hunt is on...
+Ooo, they have the Internet on computers now...
+Homer, Bill Gates is here.
+Bill Gates? Billionaire computer nerd Bill Gates? Oh my God, oh my God! Get out of sight, Marge! I don't want this to look like a two-bit operation!
+Mr. Simpson?
+You don't look so rich.
+Don't let the haircut fool you. I'm exceedingly wealthy.
+Get a load of the bowl job, Marge.
+Your Internet ad was brought to my attention. But I can't figure out what, if anything, CompuGlobal HyperMegaNet does. So rather than risk competing with you, I've decided simply to buy you out.
+This is it, Marge. I poured my heart and soul into this business, and now it's finally paying off! We're rich! Richer than astronauts!
+Homer, quiet. You'll queer the deal.
+Oh, right. I reluctantly accept your proposal.
+Well, everyone always does. "Buy him out," boys!
+Hey, what the hell's going on?!
+Oh, I didn't get rich by writin' a lot of checks.
+I can't go on. You two go ahead. And carry me with you.
+Aw, crud. / Aw, come on, man.
+Hurry! They're catching up!
+Here, Milhouse, you go first.
+Oh. Gee thanks, mister.
+Okay, now throw the vine back!
+There's no time!
+Look! We can hide in that cave!
+We should be safe in here.
+They're trapped in the cave! Move in for the kill!
+Oh, figs.
+Stop! You are in violation of the Model U.N. Charter!
+Uh, that's right. The U.N. doesn't look too kindly on...
+The monster!
+Your "monster" appears to be nothing but a run-of-the-mill wild boar.
+Hey, look at his tusk!
+So the boar ate our food! Oh, sorry about that whole tryin' to kill ya thing.
+Yeah, well, you should be. I only stole two sandwiches and a bag of Doritos.
+Hey... If a boar can survive here, there must be a source of food.
+Look, he's licking the slime off that rock! That's what he's been eating -- slime! And there's enough slime for all of us! We're saved!
+All that slime made this boar extra tender.
+More snout, anyone?
+Mmm. Mm. How's your dinner, Lis?
+Ah, shut up. Savages.
+So, the children learned to function as a society. And eventually, they were rescued by, oh, let's say, Moe.
+Ooo, look! This is a perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes.
+What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
+Well, maybe if he had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.
+Look, Homer. There's that bird you like to argue with.
+Well, well, well... If it isn't Professor Know-it-all. 'Scuse me, Marge.
+Yeah. Excuse me, I'm looking for someone named, Jay Leno.
+Somebody want to get this kid a TV?
+They need a good, stiff, all-purpose dress shoe. Something for church, but also for doctors appointments dental check-ups, piano recitals, building dedications, visiting elderly relatives, haircuts and shoe shopping.
+Well, we have a brown shoe.
+Did you hear that kids? Brown!
+Oh rats! Talk about bad luck! I forgot to wear socks today. Guess I can't try those on.
+Hm, no problem, you can wear the "Store Sock."
+Would you mind lacing them up, kid? I have a bad back.
+Hey, if you didn't wanna tie shoes, you shouldn't a become a shoe salesman.
+That's where you're wrong, pal!
+It's not enough to want a cracker. You have to earn it!
+Mom, these are at least two sizes too big.
+Perfect. You'll grow into them.
+Ooh, you're both way overdue for a spurt.
+Excuse me, ma'am. Do you like to laugh?
+Oh, yes! As long as it's tasteful... And never at someone, or with... And not...
+Excuse me, sir? Do you like to laugh?
+Why, yes. Yes I do.
+Well, then you'll love our comedy festival. It's for a good cause.
+A rest home for pirates?
+No, Dad, it's to fight soil erosion.
+Now that's a fight I wanna be a part of.
+Hey, somebody screwed up bad! You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, but there's no Krusty.
+Krusty the Clown!
+Funniest man alive? Prince of Pies? The Sultan of Seltzer?
+Excuse me, sir? Do you like to laugh?
+Well, only if something tickles me just right. .
+Yeah, just jokin. I-I'm Jay Leno.
+So what can I do for ya, huh?
+Well, if you're running the show, how could you leave out, Krusty the Clown?
+Ah, Krusty the Clown. That takes me back. Didn't he die in a grease fire?
+No, he's alive. And he is so funny you could plotz. At least according to his press release.
+Well, if he's half as alive as you say he is, he's in.
+Charity, eh? What's my cut?... Nothin'?! I make more than that taking a shvitz.
+Hey hey, happy birthday. Ah, ha. Now get 'em outta here.
+He seems reluctant.
+Tell him it'll count towards his community service.
+Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. Boy, you swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.
+I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.
+I don't get it.
+Dad, the zebra didn't do it. It's just a word at the end of the dictionary.
+I still don't get it.
+It's just a joke.
+Oh I get it. I get jokes.
+Hey, hey! It's Krusty the Clown!
+Hey, hey! Ha. Ha. It's you. Right? Yeah, ha, ha. And this guy, uh -- with all the jokes he does...
+You're the reason I went into comedy. If it weren't for you, I-I'd be a doctor.
+Y-Yeah, right, uh, thanks.
+I got my period today.
+Oh good Lord.
+Plus, I got this new boyfriend. And you know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud...
+Yes! Yes! Oh, God yes!
+Ah, isn't that illegal?
+It's time for something special, the man Spencer Tracy called the most promising newcomer of 1959, please put your hands together for, Krusty the Clown!
+Woo hoo! Yeah! Krust-ee!
+Hey, hey. So... how 'bout those TV dinners, huh? I try one the other day. Lightning strikes -- the peach cobbler goes out.
+Cobbler.
+The other thing about TV dinners -- you don't have leftovers, you have reruns.
+TV dinner jokes? Oooh. Take that, Swansons.
+Didn't like that one, huh? Well...
+Me sooo solly! Ahh, so.
+What's he gonna do next -- the flapping dickey?
+Uh-oh, I'm losin' 'em. Time for the "A" material. Hey hey!
+Ah so. Ah so. Me lika da flied lice... Me flappa dickey long time...
+Hey Krusty, great set.
+Are you kidding? I stunk up the joint.
+No! No, I was talkin' to Lisa back there, we both agreed you killed.
+Really? Lisa, huh?
+Oh sure, there were a lotta laughs. Y-You probably couldn't hear 'em, the acoustics were so bad.
+Yeah, the acoustics, that's what it was. Oh, I mean, "Me so solly"...
+Yeah, I was great.
+Did you get a load of Corpsy the Clown?
+That guy cheapens our whole profession. What do you think of him, Internet Comic?
+Guys, keep it down.
+Five minutes, Krusty.
+Oh, I ain't going back out there.
+No. Five minutes to get your stuff and get out.
+Where is that stinkin' monkey?
+'Bout time. Gimme those reviews.
+Take that, Marge!
+"Last night's comedy benefit delivered wall-to-wall laughs without exception." "The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Krusty the Clown."
+They say any publicity is good publicity...
+You, sir, are an idiot.
+Aw, that's your answer to everything. Look at my life. I'm talkin' to a monkey and a -- I don't know what the hell you are.
+You can be so cruel when you're sober.
+Well, I'll fix that. I'm goin' on the bender to end all benders!
+What'd he say, Lisa? What'd he say?
+He said there's no shame in their forbidden love.
+Ooo, Diego's not gonna like that.
+"Take me here, under the disco ball."
+Clear the couch. It's Krusty time!
+And now, heeeere's Krusty!
+Hey, hey. I'm Kent Brockman the Clown, filling in for Krusty the Clown, who didn't come in today. He is presumed dead or on vacation. Today's top joke... It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window. We'll tell you why, right after this...
+Oh, this sucks. I am outta here.
+Wow, a clown. Do you think he's evil?
+He smells evil.
+Should we tell Daddy?
+No, let's poke him a little while longer.
+Hey! Get away from him, you little freaks!
+Ooh, it hurts to talk. We'll have to work out a system of blinks.
+Not you, you imbecile.
+Oh, pew! What were ya drinkin'? Gasoline?
+Yes, I was drinking gasoline, Mother.
+Uh, Krusty...
+Hang on kid, I got a tack in my head.
+That's one of your posters. I got all the Krusty stuff.
+Man, look at all the crap with my face on it. "Krusty's Personal Swabs?" What was I thinkin'? All these years I shoulda been workin' on my act, but I was too busy sellin' out. Now I'm just a tired old hack.
+Ah! Ah! That burns! What the hell's on those things?
+Here, here, quick! Use my Krusty eyewash!
+No! Not on your life!
+Thanks for comin' over, Jay. Krusty really needs help.
+No question, I gotta freshen up my act. Jay, you're a professional comedian, right? Right? Answer me.
+Yes! Now stop squirming. I'm trying to get these tangles out.
+They are just impossible.
+Well, they are! Anyway, don't you have some advice for Krusty?
+Well, these days people like observational humor, about things they deal with in everyday life.
+Oh yeah, you mean like when your lazy butler washes your sock garters and they're still covered with shmutz?
+Well, kinda... But more universal. And maybe lose the "me sooo solly" bit.
+Hey, whoa, whoa. Let's not tamper with a classic.
+Shut up, kid. Come on, Leno. Tamper. Teach. Impart.
+Woop, sorry son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.
+Well, they are. So make with the loofah or get out.
+... And then, of course, there's Mom, who sounds something like this.
+Eat your vegetables. Take a sweater. I don't think that's a good idea.
+Thank you. Thank you. And now, the all new comedy stylings of... Krrrusty the Clown...
+Oooh! Oh! Krusty!
+Wait, where's my water? Oh, here it is. All right. Hello. I'm a real person and as a real person I've made some humorous observations about real life. For example, have you ever noticed how there are two phone books? A white one and a yellow one? What's the deal with that?
+One's residential, the other is business.
+Oh. Well, that makes sense. What'll they think of next? Blue pages?
+They have those. They're government listings.
+Uhh... what about 2 cent stamps?... pizza pie's very hot these days, uh... can't open pickle jars, no mail on Sunday... out of paper towels... Oh! Oh! Oh! What's the deal with cardboard?...
+All right, let's just move on to notebook two...
+I've really gotta get dinner started...
+Me too...
+I also have to go. Booo!
+Krusty, the acoustics in here are...
+I appreciate the effort kid, but there's only one thing left for me to do.
+Thank you for coming. "Smart lads who slip betimes away / From fields where glory will not stay... Runners whom the race outran / And the name died before the man --"
+Krusty, does this have a point?
+Yes, I'm quitting show business. I was just tryin' to go out with a little class, you jackass.
+But, Krusty. Why now? Why not twenty years ago?
+'Cause comedy ain't funny anymore. Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, you got some big-chinned schlub readin' typos from the Palookaville Post. Well here's a headline for ya... "Nobody Cares!"
+Hey, I washed your hair.
+Hey, hey!
+These comics today... Oh, look at me. I can't set my VCR, I can't open a bag of airline peanuts... I'm a freakin' moron!
+Krusty's gone nuts...
+Then you got these "lady" comics talkin' about stuff that would embarrass Redd Foxx, God rest his smutty soul. Who they slept with, what time they sit on the can... This is supposed to get you a husband?
+What the hell are you laughing at? I'm just tellin' the truth!
+And it's funny!
+It is? In that case, I'm proud to announce my triumphant return to comedy!
+Four drink minimum?
+I'll cover ya, honey.
+Hi. How you folks doin'? I'm Moe. Or as the ladies like to call me, "Hey you, behind the bushes." Uh, is this thing on?
+No. Sorry, Moe.
+And now, without further Apu...
+Woo! I have been zinged and I love it.
+...the last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice, ladies and gentlemen... Krusty!
+Yeah, yeah, yeah.
+So, I'm watchin' TV today...
+Woo! TV! Yeah!
+All I keep seein' is dead celebrities hawkin' products! They got poor Vincent Price floatin' around on a toilet cake tellin' me about the "horrors" of an unfresh bowl...
+And I'll tell ya somethin' else, I do not believe Winston Churchill would eat at Der Wienerschnitzel!
+There's nothing those Madison Avenue grave robbers won't do to get us to buy their crap!
+Yeah! / Right On, Krusty! / You Tell 'Em!
+Impeach Churchill!
+Well, here's one dollar those crooks aren't gonna get their hands on.
+I don't care if it is illegal. I'm makin' a stand here. Who's with me?
+I am! I work like a dog for this!
+Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour.
+It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want.
+Take that, you greedy fat cats. Marge, gimme your purse.
+Here's $42 -- it's everything I have. Run home and bury it in the yard.
+I love you, Mom!
+You tell 'em, Krusty. / Screw everyone! / Etc.
+Wow, they're hanging on his every word. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
+I hope so.
+I thought I made myself clear in Boston.
+From now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're gettin' a little fat around the old thighs.
+You too, Bart.
+Oh, knock it off, Homer. You're the fattest one in the car...
+You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.
+I'm proud of you, Krusty. Oh, sure, I've got material success -- my own show, acres of cars, a nice microwave oven. But you're out there on the edge, you're doing it for the sheer thrill. If I wasn't so afraid of clowns, I'd give you a big hug.
+Excuse me, Krusty. We've been watching you at Moe's all week.
+And your credibility is just... Wow!
+Get to the point, Armani.
+Well, we think you'd be the perfect spokesman for our company's new sports utility vehicle, the Canyonero.
+I guess you Wall Street weasels didn't get the word. Krusty's not for sale.
+But you endorse everything! In fact, this endorsement contract comes from your line of legal forms.
+It's a quality form. But those days are behind me. I don't shill for nobody no more.
+It's okay, Moe.
+Are you sure? Because we're prepared to offer you a free, fully-loaded Canyonero.
+Take your corporate bloodwagon and get the hell out!
+Are you sure? It's free.
+Stop saying that!
+I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again.
+I hope he tells us to burn our pants. These things are drivin' me nuts!
+So this afternoon, two suits come up to me and ask me to endorse some new sports utility vehicle.
+Oooo! / What did you do? /
+Don't you hate pants?
+I threw those two creeps out on their ass.
+Yeah! / Woo! / Go Krusty! / Woo hoo hoo!
+Then, they followed me home, begging me to take a test drive. And let me tell you, talk about roomy! The Canyonero combines the smooth handling of a European sports car with the rugged driveability of a sturdy 4X4.
+/ Huh? / What?
+Hey, Krusty, what are you talking about? I, I thought you said those guys were creeps!
+Yeah, but that was before I got to know 'em. And I'm tellin' ya', the Canyonero is the Cadillac of automobiles. That's Canyonero.
+Boo! Etc.
+Wait! Where you goin'? I still got plenty of beefs! Fat-free yogurt!
+Th-Th-Th-The quality of computer porn!
+I knew I shoulda gone on first.
+I don't get it, Krusty. You said you would never be a shill again.
+I learned something about myself tonight, kid. It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.
+C'mon, I'll give you a ride home.
+Wow, this is roomy!
+CAN YOU NAME THE TRUCK WITH FOUR WHEEL DRIVE? / SMELLS LIKE A STEAK AND SEATS 35... / CANYONERO. CANYONERO. WELL IT GOES REAL SLOW WITH THE HAMMER DOWN / IT'S THE COUNTRY-FRIED TRUCK ENDORSED BY A CLOWN. / CANYONERO....
+Federal highway commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
+Canyonero!
+TWELVE YARDS LONG, TWO LANES WIDE. / SIXTY-FIVE TONS OF AMERICAN PRIDE. / CANYONERO CANYONERO
+TOP OF THE LINE IN UTILITY SPORTS. / UNEXPLAINED FIRES ARE A MATTER FOR THE COURTS. / CANYONERO CANYONERO
+SHE BLINDS EVERYBODY WITH HER SUPER HIGH BEAM. / SHE'S A SQUIRREL SQUASHING, DEER SMACKIN', DRIVIN' MACHINE. CANYONERO....
+CANYONER-OOOO... HYAHH!! CANYONERO!
+Whoa, Canyonero! Whoa!
+Whoa-ho-ho! Texas snowball fight!
+Ow! Bart, that has nuts in it!
+Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.
+Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.
+Aw, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself -- more of a cologne man.
+Actually, we can't take a bath anyway. The water heater is broken.
+Don't worry. Daddy'll fix it.
+Outta my way! She's gonna blow!
+What on earth -- ?!
+Hi sweetie. I'm off to Moe's. Love ya.
+To Marge. And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar.
+Hear, hear!
+Yeah. Big deal. You got a wife. I got a rash. Who cares? Ech, I'm sorry, Homer. It's just, it's been four years since my last date with a whatchacallit, uh, woman.
+Whatever happened to your mail order bride?
+Ah, she got homesick for her old life, diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp.
+So her career got in the way.
+Yeah, I don't blame her. No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-pail like me.
+Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe. You're a fabulous catch.
+He thought he was gonna steal--
+Yeah, well, uh, how come I ain't fendin' off movie starlets with a pointy stick?
+Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness. But that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. Come on, we're goin' to the darkest bar in town.
+Ah, I don't know, Homer. Women can smell panic. And, uh, right now, I gotta be reekin' of it.
+Relax. All I smell is garlic and fish.
+Uh, you look pretty clean. You, uh, mind if I had this dance?
+It's all yours.
+Okay, I won't lie to you. A lot of people saw that. But you gotta keep tryin'.
+So, hi there... Uh, don't scream.
+Oh, hi! Wanna join me for a Bacardi and soda?
+Yeah, yeah, that'd be great!
+Or maybe you'd prefer a cool, refreshing Bacardi colada.
+Sure, whatever.
+Because Bacardi makes the night come alive... with freshness.
+Uh, do you work for Bacardi?
+No, I'm in love with you.
+Hey, don't give up, Moe. The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.
+Awww, there's nobody for Moe. I'm just gonna die lonely, and ugly, and dead.
+Well, hello, Mary Sunshine...
+Aw, cheer up. Here, have a flower.
+All right, come on, what's the catch? A gorgeous woman don't just hand ya a free daffydil.
+Really? You think I'm gorgeous?
+Yeah, well, the part that's showin'. I guess you could have a lot of weird scars, or a fake ass, or somethin'.
+You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?
+Well... no... no... well... no... not a... lot... I... Gee, I'm sorry. I used to box you know, my brain's... Well, it's in and out.
+Oh, that's awful. And look at your little ears.
+Yeah, there's extensive cauliflowering.
+Well, your bow tie's just darling.
+Oh, well, thanks. Yeah, it kinda draws the eye away from the old mug.
+I like a face with character.
+Let's get out of here, Moe. This is goin' nowhere.
+Yeah, I... look, I don't suppose... you'd never want to... uh... I dunno... get together sometime?
+You mean like a date? Well, I don't know...
+Ah, what was I thinkin'? A beautiful girl like you and a gargoyle like me. I... I-I'm sorry.
+Hold on. Hold on. I didn't say no exactly...
+Really? Hot damn! All right. Don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm takin' you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat!
+Well, when you put it that way... My name's Renee.
+Who cares? You're goin' out with me. She's going out with me, cat!
+Stop kissing that cat and get in the car!
+Hey! Hey! Sabu! Ah, I need another magnum of your best champagne, here, uh? And bring us the finest food you got, stuffed with the second finest.
+Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.
+So, Renee, it looks like you've taken quite a shine to Moe. Do you mind if I ask why?
+Maa-rrge...
+I didn't mean any disrespect. I just can't figure it out.
+Well, to be honest, at first it was just pity.
+Yeah. It's like out of a story book, ain't it?
+But he's really grown on me. He's got this insecure, sweaty charm.
+Oh, yeah, I got that.
+And he's so thoughtful. Last night, he bought all the seats in a movie theater just so we could have a romantic evening together.
+Yeahhh, well, I just get so tired of idiots shootin' their mouths off, laughin' and clappin'. Makes you wanna start pokin' eyes out and slashin' guts and kickin' throats...
+I'm sorry. I... I-It's just I'm so happy I met ya.
+Ah, excuse me, sir. Will there be anything else?
+Uh, yeah, park the dessert cart under this beautiful lady's nose. And charge it all to my Players Club card.
+Players Club? Yes, sir!
+Yeah, I wanna send her two dozen roses. And I wanna put something nice on the card, like, um, "Renee, my treasure..."
+Shut up, or I'll ram a stool down your throat! Ah, nah, nah, no, I don't want that on the card... Well, lemme hear how it sounds... Nah, nah, take it out. Take it out. And charge it to my Players Club card... Maxed out?
+Look, I really need these flowers, okay? I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here... Hello? Hello?
+Well, that's it. It's all over. Renee ain't gonna wanna hang around with no Joe Pinchpenny.
+Aw, come on, Moe. Think of all you have to offer besides money.
+Hmmm... I need cash, and lots of it. Um, all right, everybody, I'm calling in your bar tabs.
+Ya bunch of ungrateful ingrates! Ya--
+Ah, Homer, what am I gonna do? Renee's my last chance for true love.
+If you really need money, you could sell a kidney, or maybe even your car.
+Nah, my car ain't worth nothin'. But it is insured... For five grand... Homer, I need your help. You gotta steal this car and wreck it for me.
+Steal? Oh no, you got the wrong guy.
+You dropped somethin'.
+C'mon, Homer! I'm one of your dearest friends! When everybody said you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?
+Oh, you did. But -- I still don't know... I can just imagine what Marge would say.
+Homer, I insist you steal that car.
+I'll do it!
+Okay, here's the plan. This model car represents my car, huh? And this olive is you. Now...
+Mmmm... me.
+Hey! Hey! Aw, that's great. Now the car's gonna have to represent you, and, uh, this little toy man will represent the car.
+All right, forget it!
+Listen up, here. Tomorrow night at eight, you go down to the waterfront and you "steal" my car.
+What about the cops?
+That's the beauty part. Every cop in town's gonna be on the Police Department's Moonlight Charity Cruise. And I'm gonna be right there with 'em.
+So, as soon as you get back, we steal the car, right?
+Righ-- No, no. Wrong. Listen. While I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi, you steal my car, and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along...
+WHAM! The insurance company pays off five thousand clams. I keep showing Renee the sweet life.
+You're a genius, Moe. All your troubles will soon be over for a couple months.
+Why all the black?
+Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
+You look a little nervous, Dad.
+No, you look a little nervous, Lisa.
+You're up to something, aren't you?
+No. I'm just going out to commit certain deeds.
+Suckers.
+Thank you. Welcome, folks. Have fun. Drink responsibly, till we're a mile out.
+Ah, 'scuse me there, officer? You see my car there? With the rubber hippie daisy? Space 7A?
+Uh, yeah? What about it?
+Ah, I was just thinking what a good parking job I did with it.
+Yeah, hey, that is nice. Hey, Lou, check out that park job in 7A.
+Oo-hoo-hoo... that's sweet.
+I'm gonna be the best car thief ever.
+Hey! Oh, no you don't!
+"Stealing, stealing / Stealing a car for Moe / Dada dada dada dada / Insurance fraud today..."
+They're showing "Hail to the Chimp!" Oh, I have time to see one little movie!
+Mr. President, your welfare proposal is nothing but a lot of technical jargon and partisan rhetoric and--
+Get off me, Mr. President!
+That's what you get for not hailing to the Chimp.
+Moe, you seem awfully distracted tonight. And you're sweating a lot, even for you.
+Am I? Huh. Hadn't noticed.
+Isn't it a beautiful moon tonight?
+Huh? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll look up with you in minute.
+The train! D'you hear that? That's the train! Ha! Isn't that the most beautiful sound you ever heard?
+It's almost as sweet as your voice.
+Oh, no! The train!
+I gotta find another way to wreck Moe's car!
+Oh, honey, this whole evening was so wonderful. Except when that drunken cop started firing at those seagulls.
+Ow! Get him off!
+Yeah, yeah, the plan went off without a hitch.
+What plan?
+The what? The, the, won-wonderful evening plan.
+Hey, Moe. Isn't that your car up there, with the rubber hippie daisy? The one that was parked in 7A?
+Hey! Hey, what's it doin' there? It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks -- no, I mean... the parking lot.
+Homer, you moron...
+Homer, you genius.
+Ger-onimo!
+Huh. Well, that car thief can't hold his breath forever.
+And if he can, Chief?
+Then God help us all.
+Isn't that your friend Homer?
+O-Oh! Oh! Homer! How -- could you?
+You're under arrest, Simpson -- for grand theft auto! Now put up your hands!
+Brilliant! Brilliant! Okay, let's do another. But this time, try to look... scarier. Kinda like, !
+Gorgeous! Gorgeous, baby! That's it! That's it!
+Y'know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.
+Simpson! You have visitors!
+Homer, did you really steal a car?
+Whoa! Hang on a minute! The guard said I have visitors coming!
+Dad, we're the visitors.
+Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh! Great! Listen, I know it looks bad. But all I can tell you is I destroyed that car for all the right reasons.
+I'd like to believe you...
+That's my girl. You just go home, and don't worry your pretty blue head about it. Moe will take care of everything.
+Well, Dad, in the meantime, here's a carton of smokes you can use to buy stuff.
+Aw, thanks, boy. I'll give you two packs for that candy bar.
+Why you little...
+Guard! Guard!
+Pssst. Homer. Homer. Wake up.
+Moe! Oh, Moe, thank God you're here!
+Yeah, congratulations, Homer. The plan worked perfectly.
+But I'm in jail.
+Yeah, yeah, that's, that's a kick in the pants.
+Moe, you gotta get me outta here. Tell the cops I didn't steal the car. Say you lent it to me.
+Yeah, I wish I could, Homer, but if I change my story, they're gonna throw me in here.
+But Moe, we're best friends...
+Ohh, cripes, the puppy-dog look. All right, all right. I'll use the money to bail you out.
+Hurry, Moe. At three o'clock they're going to put us in the exercise yard. The exercise yard!
+Is everything okay, honey? Your shirt is so dry.
+Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. There's just somethin' I gotta do.
+Oh, look at that. Hawaii! Oh, that looks so romantic.
+Well, if Hawaii's what my baby wants, Hawaii's what my baby gets.
+Oh no, that's too expensive. Let's just get a can of poi and eat it in the tub.
+Naw, naw, naw, we're goin' for the real thing. First class all the way. Come on, we can leave tonight.
+Ten minutes till fresh air and exercise.
+Hurry up, Moe, for the love of God! Hurry up!
+Hawaii, here we come! "I Nanakuli makou 'ai ana o na uluwahi Hawaii!"
+Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
+Hey! Stop saying Hawaii in there!
+Let me out! I'm innocent! I changed my mind, I don't want to be in here anymore!
+Forget it, Simpson. You're going to the chair.
+The interrogation chair.
+Plug it in, boys.
+Ukulele, heh... pineapples... beach pistol... scandalously revealing thong...
+Going somewhere?
+Moooooe... You killed meeeee.
+Hey, n-no, no. Y-You ain't dead. Y-Y--You're just in jail.
+Oh, right.
+Wait a second! I'm in jail because of you! You were my friend, and you betrayed me.
+Oh my God, he's right. Oh, how could I treat a friend that way?
+Exactly. Exaaaaactly.
+Hey! Get your mouth off a that!
+Were you yelling at me, Moe-Moe?
+Huh? No, no-no-no. It's just that... Um... Renee, there's somethin' I gotta tell ya.
+Oh, no. You're gay, aren't you? Oh, boy, Renee, you sure can pick 'em.
+Nah, it ain't that.
+What? So you're married?
+No, no. H-Hey, why did you say gay first?
+Mmm-mm.
+Would you care for some reading material?
+Hmm... This could be useful...
+... So like a coward I let Homer take the rap for the whole scam. And now the only way to clear him is to turn myself in.
+I-I don't know what to say. I'm shocked. I mean you broke the law and betrayed a friend...
+Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't be wasting your time with a low-life like me.
+Oh, Moe, don't say that. Y-You made a mistake, but at least you're trying to set things straight.
+Yeah, that's true. That's true, baby. Hmf, it'll be hell being locked away from ya, but I guess I gotta take my medicine. Unless... Unless, I send a letter to the police clearing Homer...
+Yeah...
+Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses...
+Oh my God.
+We-we-we switch clothes with them, leave 'em in the bar. Then we pour some brandy around. Like so...
+Yeah, would you hand me my keys?
+Uh, yeah. Here ya go.
+...Then we light a match...And FWOOOF! We start a new life in Hawaii.
+Goodbye, Moe.
+Where you goin', baby? You goin' to find the corpses?
+Yes, Moe, I'm going to find corpses.
+Uh, well, you want me to come with? Renee? Dearest? She ain't comin' back.
+Must kill Moe. Wheeeeee! Must kill Moe. Wheeeeee!
+Homer! Thank God, you gotta help me here!
+Oh-ho, I'll help you. Help you die!
+Eh! That's it! You're going down, pal!
+Oh, boy... Uh, I really wanna sleep...
+I... also sleep... G'night, Mommy...
+Moe! Homer! The booze!
+Oh, Homer, I been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?
+Ohh, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk.
+Aww! Ah, my poor bar. It's all gone.
+Aw, Moe, Moe, Moe, dry those beady little eyes. Your buddy Homer'll get you back on your feet.
+Moe, another beer down here!
+Comin' right up.
+Hey, there's a balloon machine in the bathroom!
+Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house. Dart!
+Woo hoo!
+Yeahh! Nice shot, Homer!
+Ugh, Salisbury soup again!
+My Joe isn't sloppy enough!
+And talk about weak coffee!
+I'll take that.
+What are they doing with our forty-five cents?
+I bought my lunch at the gas station.
+It's the kind John Glenn eats when he's not in space.
+Wow, just like the commercial!
+There's a brain-teaser on the back!
+Professor Provolone's Picto-Puzzle.
+That's a tough one. Got it.
+Is this it?
+Excellent, Milhouse!
+How 'bout this?
+Nice work, Bart. How about you, Lisa?
+I'll get it in a second. Don't worry.
+Ooh, of course! It's... Yeah! Champion of the world! Answer this, Professor!
+Hey, some of us are still trying to solve it!
+Just you...
+Maybe I can't concentrate because of all your cooties.
+It's called "lice" and it's nothing to be ashamed of!
+Okay, let's see, it's not Egyptian. It's not Prince's names.
+Wanna hint?
+I don't need a hint, Ralph!
+But you're suffering!
+So, Lisa, did you get that brain-teaser yet?
+For your information, none of your business!
+You look tired. Are ya tired, Lisa?
+If you're suggesting I stayed up all night trying to solve that childish puzzle, you're right.
+Ugh! Now I can't remember my combination!
+Look at my aggieculture project. It's a piece of a cow.
+The project! I forgot all about it!
+Very nice, Janey. Good use of pipe cleaners, Becky...
+Don't open it, Ralph. I'll just give you a C minus.
+Not finished, Lisa?
+I'm finished. I've just got to...oh... there!
+It's a pig!
+It's an eraser with push pins.
+And a spring for his curly tail! Huh-huh. Oink, oink, oink...Huh-huh!
+This is terrible, at best. I'm surprised at you, Lisa.
+Me, too.
+Oh, looks like somebody's "hoggin' dazs" ice cream! Oh, I should write these down.
+More comin'.
+Um, I'm looking for something in an after-dinner burrito.
+You'll have it in forty-five seconds, sir.
+Oh, forget it!
+To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen.
+Well, why would I want to look at a pen with a... Oh no, her clothes are coming off! Heh, heh. Hey, you know who would love this? Men.
+Five, four, three, two, one, lift-off!
+Look at this mess! Where is that elderly old man?
+Old man? Old ma...
+Hey, hey look, a freezer man!
+Wait a minute... There is a note!
+I have frozen myself so I may live to see the wonders of the future. Thaw me out when robot wives are cheap and effective. P.S. Please alter my pants as fashion dictates.
+Now you're swingin', honey!
+Darn it!!
+No, no, no, noo! The George Raft look is dead. I want an Audie Murphy!
+Mm, if you'd just apologize to Louie, you could get your hair cut the way you want.
+No apology. Not until he admits he's a jerk!
+Mom, I think something's wrong with me. I can't do anything right lately.
+Or why Chinese parents have Chinese children?
+Um, you're just having a bad day. I had one last week. I burned the roast, my cake fell, and I ran out of butter so I had to spray the English muffins with PAM.
+Maybe you're just a lousy cook. OW!
+I'll go get the Bactine.
+It can't just be a bad day. I feel like I'm getting dumber by the minute.
+Oh, ain't no big deal. All Simpsons start to lose their smarts around your age.
+What are you talkin' about?
+Well, I'll show ya. Follow me.
+Wow, Dad was a good speller?
+Oh, your dad used to be smart as a monkey, but then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's dumb as a chimp.
+Grampa!
+Hey, I am, too! And your brother's comin' along nicely.
+Look at Bart's homework. Back when he was your age, he was smart as a chimp.
+This is just two years ago!
+That's right, then the Simpson genes kicked in.
+This is crazy! Just because you and Dad and Bart went downhill doesn't mean it's gonna happen to me... does it?
+Sure! But it doesn't mean you can't live a long and pointless life!
+Dear Log: Can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening?
+Wait, that's not how you spell "dumbening." Wait, "dumbening" isn't even a word!
+Oh... I've got to find out more...
+That makes 22 to 16.
+Time is running out.
+So you're worried about your genes, uh? Well, does it hurt when you go like this?
+Then will you turn this projector on for me? I think the film should answer all your questions.
+Have you ever wondered why fat parents have fat children?
+It's no coincidence. It's because of... D - N - A. Hi, I'm Troy McClure.
+You may remember me from such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong With That Man's Face?"
+But Mr. McClure, what is DNA?
+What the...? Oh, hi, Billy! Let's find out together.
+DNA is God's recipe for making you.
+You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom... Then we bake for nine months and...
+Mmmm, that's good, Billy!
+Mr. McClure, what does DNA stand for?
+That didn't answer anything. I need more information.
+Would you like to see it again?
+Isn't there any way I can change my DNA, like sitting on the microwave?
+Mmmm, not according to any movie I've ever seen. I'm afraid you're stuck with your genes, Lisa.
+Hi, frozen body!
+Hm, he's got a "lub", but I don't hear a "dub". Oh. Ha, there it is!
+You're lucky he's still alive! This freezer is an attractive nuisance. Just look at all that ice cream. It's damn near irresistible!
+Well, we better leave him in there. Moving him now could kill him and tire us out.
+Check it out! A freezer geezer!
+Please, young customers! Ignore the frozen gentlemen and return to your impulse buying.
+Ah, but we want to stare at the ice dude.
+We'll give you a buck.
+No! This is a convenience store, not a freak show!
+A dollar twenty?
+Come one, come all! See the amazing frozen man! Also, gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos! Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!
+Dear Log: My worst fears have been confirmed. I've hit my mental and creative peak at the tender age of eight. What will my life be like after I descend into mediocrity?
+Well, Ralph seems happy enough... Maybe I should just give up now and settle into a mindless, happy stupor...
+We now return to "When Buildings Collapse!" on Non-Stop Fox!!
+Hey, Lis. Wanna join us?
+Room for one more...
+We're watching the TV.
+Man has always loved his buildings. But what happens when the buildings say "No more?"
+Yes! Heh, heh! / Ha! Ha! / Woo hoo hoo heh heh! / Woo! / Oh! Oh!
+Yeah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! / Ha! Ha! All right!
+Ha! Ha! Ha! Hee! Hee!/ Woo hoo! Ha! Ha! / I didn't think it was gonna fall over. Ha! Ha!
+Yeah! Ha! Ha! Ha! / Woo! Woo! Woo!
+The best part was when the buildings fell down!
+Yeah... Huh, huh, huh, maybe people got hurt!
+Hey, yeah.
+And now a Channel 6 editorial reply...
+Bo-ring!
+And now... "When Surgery Goes Wrong!"
+All right! Sounds good!
+Behold the "Can Of Mystery." The label vanished many years ago. What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure? Dog food?
+Whoa, some things man is not meant to know.
+Show - me - your t...
+It says "Show me your tie." It's cute. C'mon, let's go.
+Me and Frostillicus go back a long way. I used to share a bathroom with Frostillicus. In fact, I got a real funny story about that. Actually, it's not so much funny as it is long. It seems that there was this...
+Oooh, what a gold mine!
+Oh, my goodness!
+Okay... Make-up!
+Boy, seeing that stomach surgery made me hungry! Marge, we need five thousand CC's of snacks, stat!
+No snacks! Dinner will be ready in three minutes!
+If she started dinner three minutes earlier, we wouldn't be in this mess!
+Relax, Lis. Dad and I always have a Plan B.
+Pretty neat, huh?
+But those candy bars are all squished and melted.
+C'mon, Lisa, join the family!
+Quit it... quit it... quit... You kids knock it off! Mama's watchin' her stories!
+Hi, honey. It's me, your husband, Ralph.
+Hey, angel pie. Can you drive me down the libarry? I wanna rent us up some movies.
+Wesley, get Mama's pryin' bar.
+Easy does it now... easy... little more... yea... right... that's the spot... ooah!
+I'll git your coat.
+"No" what?
+I don't want to turn out that way!
+What way, angel pie?
+Like you!!
+Lisa! Come on! Your tomato soup is getting a skin on top!
+Fine, she doesn't get her skin!
+Lisa insulted us, Mom. She thinks she's so great. I'll dance on her grave.
+What? Oh, napkin, right.
+Dear Log: It won't be long now before my mind melts into a soft Simpsony sludge. Soon, the arts and literature I love will be replaced by talk radio and vulgar mud flaps. It's time to give my brain its last meal.
+Oh, Kenny, look at the interplay of light and shadow. It's so luminous and vibrant.
+Ha! Ha! Thanks, Lisa. I painted that one. The real one's in my garage.
+Hmm... It sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat.
+You have to listen to the notes she's not playing!
+Pff... I can do that at home.
+Son, I represent a group a oil tycoons who make foolish purchases. We already bought us a stained-glass bathrobe and the world's fattest race horse, and now we need your Ice Man.
+Oh no, I could never sell him. He is like a frozen father to me.
+How much for just the head?
+By gum, it worked! I've awakened in the future!
+"Moon Pie." What a time to be alive!
+Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir!
+Is that you, Apu? Whoa... time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.
+Ah, well, Sanjay, that is the end of our freak show. We must relinquish the giddy glamour of show business and return to the humble pleasures of the neighborhood shopkeeper.
+Time-traveler discount?
+Come on in!
+Great set!
+Thanks. But the crowd kept looking at me like I was using too many augmented ninths.
+Ah, they just came for the buffalo wings. But you really got through to me.
+Oh, good. I figure if you got something special to say, you have to share it with the world.
+Yeah, while you still can... Thanks!
+Damn, that felt like a sale...
+I'm sorry, little girl, we don't just put people on TV... unless, of course, they're replying to an editorial.
+Uh, I am! I'm strongly opposed to... Proposition, uh, 3-0-5...
+You're against discount bus fares for war widows?
+Uhh, you bet I am!
+I'm getting worried about Lisa. She's been gone for hours.
+If I were her, I'd be buying me a great big chocolate apology cake.
+Authorities believe the wave of towel snappings will get worse before it gets better. And now with an editorial reply, here's a small girl.
+Hello. My name is Lisa Simpson.
+I'm supposed to talk to you about Proposition 305...
+Moochin' war widows...
+...but I have something more important to say. For reasons beyond my control, I will soon become vapid, sluggish, and slow-witted. So before that happens, I want to share some things with you that have really meant a lot to me...
+What is she doing out there?! I'll cut off her mike.
+No, no, no, let her speak... I'm trying to get fired.
+And please don't deprive yourself of wonderful books like "To Kill A Mockingbird", "Harriet The Spy", and "Yertle the Turtle", possibly the best book ever written on the subject of turtle-stacking...
+She's got that right.
+Beauty is all around us, and not just in pageants and parlors. You can find it in the swirl of galaxies or the swirl in the center of a sunflower...
+That's a good idea. Let's go out for some frosty swirls.
+Homer, your daughter is pouring her heart out!
+We'll tape it!
+Why is she saying all this? Is she dying?
+Oh, she's just upset 'cuz I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. You know, on account of the Simpson gene.
+"Simpson gene"? That's just foolishness.
+Nope. Baldness, too!
+So, please, I beg you, don't take your brain for granted. It's the best friend you'll ever have...
+Little girl -- likes her brain. What's your opinion?
+Pff... "Simpson gene!" Somebody's got to set that girl straight. And I know how to do it.
+Marge, get me your address book, four beers, and my conversation hat.
+Lisa. Lisa honey, wake up!
+Why bother?
+Because your father has a big surprise for you!
+I'm adopted?
+Better. Come look.
+Lisa, it's me, Daddy, your father. I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area, so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your Great-Uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet, tell her what you do.
+I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
+Oh. But... you run it, right?
+Oh, yeah.
+Okay. Uh, this is your second cousin Stanley.
+Uh, I shoot birds at the airport.
+Everybody hates birds! ...Right!
+Well uh, you look pretty successful.
+Thanks. I play a millionaire at parties. At least, I'd like to.
+You probably should've researched this first, eh, Dad?
+What about you?
+Well sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.
+I beg celebrities for money.
+I'm a prison snitch.
+Jug band manager.
+My legs hurt.
+Oh, Lisa's right. We're nothing but a big bunch of losers. Show's over, folks. Go home.
+What about our five bucks?
+You get it after you leave. Now get out of here.
+Wait a minute, Homer! You didn't ask everybody. What about the women?
+Fine, fine. What do you do... "Dr. Simpson"?
+Doctor?
+That's right, I'm Chief of Complicated Surgery at The InvasiCare Clinic.
+That means you went to college, right?
+You have to if you want to be an architect.
+Or an environmental lawyer.
+Or Regional Sales Coordinator for the third largest distributor of bunk and trundle beds.
+Ooo... Did you hear that, Lisa?
+So all the Simpson women turn out okay?
+That's right, sweetie. The defective Simpson gene is on the Y chromosome, so only men are affected.
+So I'm not doomed!
+Oh Dad, I've never been happier to be your daughter.
+Oh well, thanks, honey. Remember, there's nothing that says you can't be a Simpson and a success.
+Unless you're a man.
+So, wait a minute. This means I'm gonna be a failure?
+Yes, son. A spectacular failure.
+Dearest Log: I am me again! And I feel like there's nothing I can't do...except this stupid brain teas...
+I got it! Woo hoo! I mean... splendid.
+Now whose calculator can tell me what 7 times 8 is?
+Oh, oh, oh... Low battery?
+Whatever.
+Attention, children.
+Uh, over here.
+Oh, for the love of... The doorway!
+We have a very special visitor today. But he's no ordinary visitor. In fact, uh, you might say...
+He's a robot. We saw him on the way in.
+Thank you, Bart. All right, come in. They know.
+Kids, this is Robby the Automaton.
+Greetings, Earth children.
+Where are you from?
+Earth. Anyway, have you ever wondered what it feels like to touch a star?
+...Or which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain?
+Larry, 3.2 kilograms. Fascinating.
+The answers to these and similar questions can be found at the Springfield Knowledgeum -- a hands-on learning environment opening this Saturday!
+No, kid, don't!
+Command link severed. Default setting. "Crush, kill, destroy."
+Children, help! He's killing me!
+What a whimsical building! Who says science can't be fun?
+Me. I smell a museum.
+Yeah. Good things don't end with "eum." They end with "mania"... Or "teria." Will there be beer?
+Welcome to the Knowledgeum! I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall Of Wonders, your car will unfortunately be subject to repeated break-ins...
+What'd he say? What about my car?
+It says the ceiling was donated by the Velcro Company.
+...And the floor was donated by American Superball.
+Hey, I'm gonna go toss the virtual salad!
+I wanna read the giant book!
+I'm gonna try the sex education computer!
+Come on, Maggie, let's try and find the enormous pendulum.
+Wait there.
+Ah, the section now illuminated is the "floating-point unit," one of my personal favorite units.
+/ Oh! / Geez! / Oh, yeah! That's real great, uh-huh.
+Hey, how do you get this thing to play Blackjack?
+Stop that! You're hurting it!
+So how's it supposed to work?
+Bo-ring. Am I on the Internet?
+No. You can only access the...
+Bo-ring. What's that fire for?
+The hard drive is crashing at an alarming speed.
+No more pictures!
+Ovulate, damn you! Ovulate!
+You are out of sperm.
+Hey, baby. Remember me?
+Whoa-ho! This whole planet like is one big skate park!
+Look out, Ralph!
+I found a moon rock in my nose.
+Houston, we have a booger.
+Hey, loser, this planet's for space-studs!
+Yeah! Blast off!
+I know you. My Daddy took your beer.
+Wowww, the baby can talk.
+I'm not a baby.
+Tell it to the ear, baby.
+Good one, guys.
+Simpson, go kiss the virtual ass.
+Yes, sir.
+You poor little boy.
+Ah, he'll be fine. He's always getting himself stuffed into this or that.
+Is that normal?
+Yeah, he's just playing "Wiggle Puppy." That's a dog he made up who flies by wagging his tail. I tell you, that dog has had some amazing adventures.
+Ralph certainly has a lot of imagination.
+Oh, yeah. The kid's incredible. I mean, the special schools are all over him.
+Mmmaybe he needs some real friends.
+Sure. We'd all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?
+Hello, Ralph. When I was little, I used to play by myself, too.
+Your hair is tall and pretty.
+Well, thank you, Ralph. You're such a fine young gentleman.
+Help! She's touching my special area!
+Then me and my friend were about to press it, but the man said not to press it. But we pressed it anyway and we ran and we hid in the giant tire. Oh yeah, and my other friend was already there.
+All right, all right, now. You're over-stimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then it's right to bed.
+Woo hoo! Beer, beer, beer!
+Firecrackers. Stinkbombs. Maps to teachers' homes.
+You know who's nice?
+No, who?
+That Ralph Wiggum boy. He's a real winner.
+You would know.
+Bart, you don't have to go anywhere today. I've got a surprise for you.
+I scheduled a play date.
+A what? With who?
+Hi, Bart. We're gonna be friends! I have a finger trap.
+Whoa! Get him off! Get him off!
+Fighting only makes it tighter.
+You want me to hang out with Ralph Wiggum?
+Not hang out. Play date!
+Stop sayin' that!
+Now, why don't you show off your new friend around the neighborhood? You two make an adorable pair.
+Someone will be right with you.
+Mom, school has changed a lot since you were a kid. Popularity is very important now.
+Don't talk. Listen. The social order of elementary school is densely layered. The coolest kids are at the top.
+Oh, you mean like the "A" students?
+Mom, I don't want to play with Ralph.
+He's just a misunderstood little boy who needs a friend. And, if he hangs around with you, well, everyone will think he's cool.
+Uh-huh...
+Well, I don't know about that... It might help him a little...
+Okay, great. You kids have fun.
+Hey, wait! I, I didn't agree to...
+Mom, I am not...
+Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.
+Ralph, I just got through sorting those.
+I dropped my popstickle in your toy chest.
+Ralph, would you just --
+Look, a rocket ship!
+That's not a toy. Hey... Do you know how to play hide and seek?
+Shh. I've been here two hours. And Bart still hasn't finded me.
+These syrup stains are the worst.
+Bart, it's too nice a day to leave Ralph in a closet. You boys should go play outside.
+But people will see me paired up with a doofus. You have no idea what that's like.
+I'm going.
+Slow down, Bart. My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.
+Well that is your problem, Ralph. This is how I always walk.
+/ Woo! / All right! / Whoa-ho-ho! / Woww-how-how! / Yeah!
+Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we ever had.
+Quick, Ralph. In the bushes.
+Hi, guys. Hot enough for ya?
+Shut up.
+That was too close. We gotta stay off the streets.
+Bushes are nice 'cause they don't have prickers. Unless they do. This one did. Ouch.
+This is my swing set. This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. That's where I saw the leprechaun.
+Right, leprechaun.
+He told me to burn things.
+You wanna play stuffed animal parade?
+Maybe later. Come on, Ralph -- your Dad's a cop. There must be some cool stuff around here. Bullets, dead body photos, what have you.
+He keeps that stuff in his closet, but he says I'm not allowed in there.
+Did he say I'm not allowed in there?
+Well, I'm going in anyway.
+Oh Lord, I thank you for this bounty I'm about to receive...
+Hmmm. Wow! Dad's been in jail six times. Aw, and Mom's only been in twice.
+Hello, Sarah? Ralphie? It's me, Chief Wiggum.
+We better hide.
+Quick, in here!
+Oh. Man, we have got to get an escalator.
+A 341 in my own bedroom! Okay, Crookie, let's dance.
+Oh God, my back. Oh! Officer down! Officer down!
+Hi, Daddy.
+Oh, ow, it's just you. Well, help Daddy up.
+You know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?
+Sorry, Chief. Uhm, we were just playing.
+Ralphie, you got a friend? That's fantastic. Here, here, have some riot gear, it's on the house.
+Ah, that takes me back to the sixties.
+What's that weird key for?
+That's Daddy's magic key. It opens every door in town.
+The police master key.
+Oh, Ralph, do you realize what we can do with... Get me a towel.
+"Hi, this is Jerry Maguire. Show me the message. Show me the message."
+Nnno, that stinks. Let me try one.
+"This is Geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call. So, here come de beep. Here come de beep."
+"Do the message! Da, da, da, dada, dada, da, da. Da, da, da, dada, dada, da, da."
+So long -- I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's.
+Oh, see, I knew you'd find something you liked about him.
+Ohh, I found something all right.
+"Da, da, da, dada, dada, da, da. Da, da, da, dada, dada, da, da. Da, da, da, dada, dada, da, da." "After the beep."
+Uh, Ralph's a little afraid of the dark, Bart. Is it okay to sleep with a night-light?
+Absolutely.
+G'night, guys.
+I'm scared.
+We now return to, "The Return of the Pink Panther Returns," starring Ken Wahl as Inspector Clouseau.
+Ouch. Ouch.
+Son of a... Ouch.
+The world is our toy store.
+Toy store! Toy store! Toy store! Weee!
+Ahh, to be eight again...
+I can't believe we ate a whole wedding cake.
+And an entire pan of funeral fudge.
+Check it out, guys. It's Dork and Dorker.
+What you doin' there, Simpson? Babysittin'?
+We're on a play date.
+Ha! Ha! / Isn't that adorable? / The girls are on a play date. / Precious.
+Uh, I'll take it from here, Ralph. Umm, we're just hangin', chillin'... little bit of illin'.
+We don't get you, Simpson. Sometimes you seem kinda righteous. But then we see you fraternizing with lamoids.
+Which makes you a lamewad.
+Oh, yeah? Would a lamewad have the police master key?
+Whoa! / Talk about useful, dude! / Very handy!
+Hey, maybe you are cool enough to hang out with us.
+Really? You think so? I don't know what to say. This is all happening so fast.
+Let's use this thing to rob the school.
+Let's go to the zoo and tease the dingo.
+Let's use it to key some cars.
+Those are all moderately cool ideas, but if you really want to walk on the wild side, I know just the place.
+Here she is. The Big House. The Stony Lonesome. The Thug Jug. The Mobster Trap. Penn State. The Old Crook Buck--
+Shut up! Let's just open the gate.
+I'm scared, Bart. I wanna go home.
+C'mon, Ralph. Don't embarrass me. It's just an abandoned prison. All the murderers are long dead... and I'm sure their ghosts are probably in hell.
+Let's go, Simpson. Ditch the baby.
+My key...
+Sorry, Ralph.
+I thought we were friends.
+Wait, I missed that. Get him to say it again.
+Go on home, Ralph.
+I can't without Daddy's key.
+I can't bail on a friend, even if it is Ralph.
+Aw, you wuss.
+Hey, give it back!
+Hey, keep away.
+Hey, come on! I thought we were friends.
+Yeah well, I hope the irony's not lost on ya, Simpson.
+This sucks. Let's do something else.
+I know -- let's go pick some huckleberries.
+Yeah! / Huckleberries! / All right! / Yeah!
+Daddy's key went in there!
+Hey, Ralph. You're braver than you thought.
+Wait for me!
+Wow! Look at all these toilets. And just inches from your bed. Talk about luxury.
+There's the key!
+The pointy kitty took it.
+Danger, eh?
+Whoa, momma! The electric chair! Smell that, Ralph? That's the smell of justice.
+Smells like hot dogs.
+Hmm, maybe it still works. Gimme the newlyweds from that cake.
+Stand back!
+What a gyp.
+Maybe our key fits in here.
+Till death do you part...
+Somebody down there?
+Uh-oh, let's get out of here.
+Why do I always shout first? It just gives them a chance to run away. Well, I'm an idiot.
+Got any threes?
+Go fish!
+Oh. See, here's the problem, Ralph. You have several threes.
+Go fish!
+Why don't we watch cartoons? The Justice League is moving into their new building today.
+Kent Brockman, reporting live from Mayor Quimby's press conference at the abandoned Penitentiary.
+I have ordered the reopening of this prison to send a message to the criminals of Springfield. If you commit a violent crime in my town, you are going to end up here.
+Hey, that's our play chair!
+To demonstrate what you're in for, I will now strap myself into this electric chair, which was deactivated over thirty years ago, and I can only assume still is.
+Uh-oh. We didn't reset the safety switch.
+He's gonna smell like hot dogs!
+Operator, get me Morningwood Penitentiary. It's an emergency.
+Now, Martha, we've been over this and over this. We're too old to start having children. If you're looking for something to do, why don't you start a new twine ball?
+Come on! A man's life is at stake! We need to get a message to the prison!
+Think! Think!
+Lisa's a good thinker.
+That's it! Ralph, you're a genius!
+Now, as I mime the convulsions of a condemned criminal, I remind my staff not to come to my assistance, no matter how realistic my performance may be.
+They're getting ready to throw the switch!
+Come on, Lisa! Hurry!
+Let's just pray this hits the prison.
+Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket.
+You don't have to tell me, sir.
+Turn off the chair! Turn off the chair!
+The electric chair is on, eh? Then the old prison has been getting free electricity for thirty years. I'll put a stop to that.
+Wow! That was really entertaining! How'd you make that smoke?
+Way to go, Ralph!
+Ralph? But the rocket was my idea.
+But asking you was Ralph's idea.
+You're the man, Ralph!
+But surely, I deserve some credit for...
+Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
+Aw, let him have this one, Lis. After all, it's Ralph.
+Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
+You've done grand, laddie. Now you know what you have to do. Burn the house down. Burn them all.
+Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the Planet of the Donuts.
+As Homer's defense attorney I feel we should be merciful-- hey!
+Did you just take a bite out of me?
+Uh, Maybe.
+I sentence you to death!
+Mmmmm... Homer.
+Homer, wake up! It's time for our coffee break.
+Yep, I earned it.
+Mmmm, donuts.
+There's only one donut left!
+Yeah and you drooled all over it, ya--
+Gentlemen, there's only one solution. We place this last donut in the reactor core, exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big.
+Yeah, it worked on my hand.
+Oh, wait, it's this hand.
+Uh, sir, we've found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.
+Success!
+You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
+It's my first day.
+Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on.
+Uh, sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.
+Oh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?
+It's my first day.
+Well, why didn't you say- Whoa! You're fired!
+Fired. I can't believe it.
+Next, on Exploitation Theater: "Blackula," followed by "Blackenstein." And the "Blunch Black of Blotre Blame."
+Ooh, funky.
+But first, this word.
+I've joined the naval reserve.
+Daybreak. Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing stains off a monument.
+You're in the Naval Reserve. America's seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters.
+After basic training you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time you're drunk off your ass!
+You know Lisa, I've taken a lot from this country. Maybe it's time I gave something back.
+Are you thinking of joining the Naval Reserve?
+Would you be proud of me?
+Eh, sort of.
+Then I'll do it!
+Just fill out this form and you're on your way to the Reserve.
+There's a question that's crossed out.
+Well, due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to ask that particular question.
+Well, I think I can make it out. "Are you a homosex..."
+For God's sake, don't answer that! I could go to jail!
+But I'm not a h--
+La la la la la la la! I am not listening! La la la la la la la la!
+Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay?
+Homie, I really don't think this navy thing is a good idea. What if you get called into combat?
+Not to worry, honey. We live in a highly technological age, where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light.
+We don't have a Clapper.
+Sorry, can't hear you, Marge. I'm clapping.
+Nighty-night!
+Well, guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
+Where are you going?
+Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
+Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too.
+And although my religion strictly forbids military service -- what the hey, I'm in too.
+Gee, thanks guys. This is just like "The Deer Hunter."
+"The Deer Hunter?" Uh... hah... That reminds me.
+Didi mau! Didi mau!
+I'm sorry guys. We're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.
+See ya in a week.
+Good luck, Dad. Although I am morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.
+Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.
+Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
+But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.
+Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!
+But only if you're good. Even if you're not.
+All right you thumb-sucking worms, let's get one thing straight. Your mamas ain't here to help you!
+Mine is.
+No way, man! My hair is who I am!
+I'm a freak!
+What the--?
+Tuck in that shirt -- shine those shoes, mister -- oh, for the love of --
+Uh, a seagull took my sailor hat.
+All right, Simpson. I don't like you and you don't like me --
+I like you.
+Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you!
+Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.
+What are you, a comedian?
+Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression. Ah, one more thing - One- I should get a glass of water.
+There! The perfect sheepshank.
+Very nice, Simpson. But next time tie the other end to the ship!
+Ulll.....
+Congratulations, sailors, you're all in the Naval Reserve!
+Congratulations! You are all pastry chefs!
+Congratulations! You are all World War I Historical Re-creationists!
+Uh-oh...Uh-oh...Etc.
+Hey, Bart, check out my new earring! Pretty cool, huh?
+Milhouse, my mom wears earrings -- do you think she's cool?
+No, I think she's hot!
+Sorry, it just slipped out.
+Hey, look, Milhouse has an earring!
+Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse!
+Hey, if you want cool, check this out. EVERYBODY IF YOU CAN DO THE BARTMAN! SHAKE YOUR BODY TURN IT OUT IF YOU CAN CAN DO THE BARTMAN YEAH!
+That is so 1991.
+Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings... unless you're of gypsy extraction.
+Uh, I'm a gypsy.
+Oh, really? Prove it.
+Uh... I vant to suck your blood.
+Nuh-uh, that's a vampire! But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on.
+Request permission to come aboard.
+Permission granted.
+I lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai and forgot to take the little parasol out.
+That's not a war story! I'll tell you a war story! I was on PT one oh nine with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret.
+Ich bin ein Berliner.
+And another thing! When people come up to me and say "Hey, Little Buddy," and hit me over the head with a hat - that's not funny! That hurts!
+Stop laughing at me!
+You know Marge, joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did. I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later, I'm gonna get Gilligan's autograph.
+I'm so proud of you, Homie.
+Then I'll whomp him with my hat.
+Can I help you?
+I'd like to get my ear pierced.
+Well, better make it quick, kiddo. In five minutes this place is becoming a Starbucks.
+Hello everybody. Sparkle sparkle.
+An earring? How rebellious in a conformist sort of way.
+What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
+Milhouse has one.
+If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--
+Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!
+Get back here, boy!
+You're a disgrace to this family and its proud Naval tradition!
+Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me!
+I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
+Time to reap the benefits of being cool.
+I don't believe this! Everyone's got an earring!
+My neck hurts and my ear hurts. I have two ow-ees.
+Next weekend we're having our annual war games. Now Simpson, because of your many years as a nuclear technician we're putting you on a nuclear sub.
+Nu-cue-lar. It's pronounced NU-cue-lar.
+Be careful, Dad.
+Oh, Lisa, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me.
+Damn you, rock'em sock'em robots! Can't we all just get along?
+Are you sure you'll be okay?
+We have orders not to fire on anybody but Greenpeace.
+Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring-boy.
+Come on, Dad. Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a kid?
+Well, when I was ten I got my ear pierced but this is completely different!
+Fine. Take it.
+Attention on deck! Captain Tenille wishes to address you!
+I'm a man of few words! Any questions?
+Uh, is the poopdeck really what I think it is?
+I like the cut of your jib.
+What's a jib?
+Promote that man.
+The Navy has a fine sense of tradition. Whenever an American vessel leaves port, the crew sings this ancient sea shanty. A One! A Two! A Three! A Four!
+You hear that? The whales are hungry.
+Homer! Join us.
+Thank you.
+We're down to mood lightin', here!
+Tell me, young man. What do you want out of life?
+I want peas.
+We all want peace. But it's always just out of reach.
+Uh-huh.
+So what's the best way to get peace?
+With a knife.
+Exactly. Not with the olive branch but the bayonet. Ah Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
+And you're like the father I never visit.
+Sir, I was running a diagnostic, and there was an obstruction in torpedo tube number one.
+I'll take care of it. Oh, what the Hell -- Simpson, while I'm gone, you're in command.
+Yes. Maybe it's the salt water in my veins, or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've taken a real shine to you.
+Seaman, open that torpedo tube!
+You'll never get a response talking to my son like that. You gotta poke him with a stick.
+I don't wanna go to school today.
+Oh for God's sake.
+Contraband!
+Ooh, comfy.
+Homer, we've got an enemy sub closing in fast. What do we do?
+I'unno.
+Fifteen seconds to collision. We need a decision!
+Hmm. What would the Captain say in my spot?
+Don't fire the torpedoes.
+Fire the torpedoes!
+We've been hit by an officer!
+If they're gonna fire on us, we'll respond in kind! Fire!
+Not me! A torpedo!
+We're losin' power!
+We're losing back-up power!
+All right, all right, mellow out, everybody. The Captain'll know what to do.
+You just shot the Captain outta the torpedo tube.
+That means you're in charge, Homer.
+Those were the orders.
+Very well then. I'm a Captain.
+Mr. Moe -- steady as she goes!
+Aye aye ya big dummy. Ehhh...what a dummy.
+Damage report, Mr. Moe.
+Sonar, out. Navigation, out. Radio, out.
+Enough of what's out! What's in?
+Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer.
+Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
+Captain, how are we supposed to get home with no equipment?
+Don't worry, I've been working on it. Hm... yes... uh huh... carry the two...
+All right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending on me. Mr. Sulu -- make a left!
+Aye, aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel 7... I mean, home.
+That's it. Left. Left. Steady as she goes.
+On second thought, go right.
+Well, sir, treason season started early this year as a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson.
+Oh my God!
+I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.
+Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
+My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is not a porn star.
+It's over there.
+The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward wessel.
+The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up.
+Yes, that's what we wanted you to think!
+Must crush capitalism!
+Children, I'll be frank. In the event of nuclear war, we can only save our best and brightest.
+Therefore, space in the fallout shelter will be reserved for Lisa Simpson, Martin Prince, our championship kickball team, and Sherri, but not Terri.
+Haw haw!
+Captain, the renegade sub is directly below us.
+Drop the depth charges. We'll either destroy it or force it to surface.
+Oh my God! We're all gonna die!
+Y'ello.
+Mayday! Mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid.
+You mean water?
+Yeah, that's it. We've got a pinhole leak and there's no way to plug it!
+I guess that's it. Ladies and gentlemen... We're in a tough spot and I don't know if we're gonna get out. Please remain calm and think of your loved ones.
+Oh, Mr. Snookims. Oh, I wuv you so. What are you lookin' at!?
+Hey, this stupid machine took my money!
+Don't ever change.
+Sparkle sparkle!
+Pinhole leak.
+Dad, the earring could plug the hole.
+I'll plug your hole. I mean, eureka!
+You saved us, Homer.
+Mr. Moe, prepare to surface.
+You wanna stop calling me Mr. Moe?
+Attention, Homer Simpson! You have ten seconds to explain your actions before we open fire!
+Uhhh... it's my first day!
+Es mi dia primero. Wuo gang kai shuchun gong chuo Quack quack quack.
+Seaman Simpson, your actions have given the Navy a black eye from which it may never recover. I would throw the book at you, but I've been indicted in the Tailhook Scandal. Goodbye.
+I too would punish you, but I'm under indictment for accepting bribes from military contractors.
+Um, I torpedoed a Carnival Cruise Ship.
+Impersonating the First Lady.
+I think you're off the hook.
+Woo hoo!
+A dishonorable discharge! It's the best we could've hoped for.
+You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable."
+I think you're a hero, Dad.
+Well, I couldn't have done it without Bart.
+Boy, I guess I was wrong about that earring. It saved us all.
+Then can I get a tattoo that says, "Bite Me?" You never know when it might come in handy.
+I don't think so, son.
+A king cobra?
+Weapons-grade plutonium?
+Ask your mother.
+Knock-out drops?
+Ninja death stars?
+Maybe for Christmas.
+Ten!... Nine!... Eight!...
+Eight-Eight-Eight...
+Oh, will this horrible year never end?
+We've never lost a year before and I'll be damned if we're gonna lose one on my shift.
+Sevensixfivefourthree twoone!
+Yayyyyy!
+Should auld acquaintance be forgot / and never la laa laa...
+Whoa! January first! Better get goin' on those taxes, Neddy!
+Hmmm. Let's see, cash-register ink. Well, sir, that's a business expense, isn't it? Mmm... But then I do enjoy the smell of the stuff -- better not risk it.
+Daddy, what do taxes pay for?
+Ohhh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine. And let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like workin', God bless 'em.
+Neddy, it's 8:45. The post office is gonna be opening soon.
+8:45?! Here I am yappin' away like it's 8:35. Don't forget the mints.
+Get your taxes out of the way?
+Nooo, just mailin' out death certificates for holiday-related fatalities.
+All right, people, listen up. The harder you push, the faster we will all get outta here.
+Hey, push! / Come on! / Push!
+Ohh, Edna, you're certainly looking lovely tonight. Is that a new green sweater?
+Hmf. Until you're willing to file jointly, back of the line, Seymour.
+Arrr, sometimes I wonder why I bother plunderin' at all.
+Oh, no, no, no I felt that, you didn't carry the one, you foolish person, now you'll incur the penalties with the compound interest and the wrath and the truncheons.
+This is Kent Brockman, live at the Springfield Post Office on tax day. It's literally the eleventh hour, ten PM, and tardy taxpayers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight.
+Sir, why did you wait till the last minute to pay your taxes?
+Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica?
+Sir, uh, why did you wait till the last minute to pay your taxes?
+Because I'm an idiot. Happy?
+Of course, not everyone is an idiot. Some of us took our receipts and pay stubs to our accountants months ago, and, at the risk of sounding a little smug...
+Oh, help!
+Does anyone have a calculator?
+Will you look at those morons? I paid my taxes over a year ago.
+What is it, Sweetie? Did you see a scary picture in your picture book?
+That was last year's taxes! You have to pay again this year!
+No, because... You see I went ahead and... Year-wise, I was counting forward from the last previous...
+I put the tax forms on top of your to do pile a month ago!
+I have a to do pile?
+Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate. Uh, nine.
+Homer, you know we don't have...
+Shutup! Shutup! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal. Okay, I need some deductions! Deductions! Ah! Business gifts!
+Here you go. Keep using nuclear power.
+Homer, I painted that for you.
+Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require 24-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people and Bart was wounded in Vietnam...
+You really had a lot of talent, kid.
+If I don't see it, it's not illegal!
+Oh, no you don't!
+C'mon, get in there. Drop.
+Woo hoo!
+So Lenny, let's say you pull a thorn out of the Pope's butt and he grants ya one wish. What'll it be?
+Hmm, only one, huh... Well, I've always wondered what it would feel like to wear something that's been ironed.
+That'd be sweet. What about you, Moe?
+Eh, gee, I was gonna say a night with Joey Heatherton. But an ironed shirt... Damn! That's tempting.
+What about you, Homer?
+Well...
+Homer Simpson? United States Government.
+Help! Somebody!
+So how about you, Barn? One wish?
+This is an egregious miscarriagement of taxitude.
+Oh, this is bad. This is really bad. You work and you slave and you steal just enough for a sweet lick of that shiny brass ring. Don't I get a lick? Doesn't Gil get a lick?
+Simpson, Homer J.
+Hey, put in a good word for old Gil, wouldja?
+Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it?
+No, sir. I'm really sorry sir. An older boy told me to do it.
+You're looking at five years, minimum.
+No sir, please. I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on ya. I saw it in a movie!
+You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going... Prison!
+No, please, I'll do anything!
+Anything? Well, that's a start. Agent Johnson, FBI.
+I'm very happy to meet you.
+From now on you're gonna work for us.
+Okay, but could you pay me under the table? I got a little tax problem.
+They want you to spy on your friends?
+Not spy, squeal. I've got no choice.
+The government has no right to use you this way.
+Quiet, honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the president.
+There you go, Ratboy.
+Does this make me look fat?
+No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.
+But not fat.
+So if my cover gets blown and I need help, what's the signal?
+Hey, I see you're watchin' the ball game. Looks like a good one. Any of you involved in any illegal activity? Cause I could sure go for some.
+Oh, God!
+How 'bout you, Lenny? Testing, testing? Lenny?
+You sayin' you want to commit a crime, Homer?
+Maybe. But first I need to hear about some other crimes to get me fired up.
+You mean like the time you was running moonshine out of your basement?
+Or that telemarketing scam you pulled?
+Uhhhh, like those. But involving you.
+Oh, you, you mean like the time Barney beat up George Bush.
+Barney? That was me! And I'd do it again.
+Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high-definition TV.
+You're under arrest for conspiracy.
+Hey, how did they finger Charlie? Somebody musta ratted him out.
+Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. End transmission.
+My superiors were pleased with your work. You have a flair for treachery.
+Well, I'm just glad it's all over.
+Ohh, you're not through, Simpson. We have a high-risk assignment for you.
+Why do you keep picking on me? Marge's name was on that tax return, too.
+Let's take a walk.
+Walk? That wasn't part of the deal.
+We're here. Get in.
+My shirt fell off.
+Mr. Simpson, please cover your ears while I say the secret access word. Cheese.
+Good morning, Agent Johnson. The film you are about to see is top secret and contains adult situations.
+In 1945, the people of Europe struggled to rebuild following the war.
+Losers...
+Shut up, Simpson.
+To ease this crisis, President Truman promised relief.
+American tax dollars will help our allies who fought so poorly and surrendered so readily.
+To make good on this drunken boast, Truman authorized the one-time printing of the largest denomination currency ever: a trillion-dollar bill.
+Ooh! A trillion-dollar bill? 'Atsa spicy meatball!
+The man chosen to deliver this precious cargo to Europe was America's wealthiest and therefore most trustworthy citizen... C. Montgomery Burns.
+Unfortunately, the money never arrived.
+Well, this is a kick in the knickers.
+Should we complain to somebody?
+No! I say we just act snooty to Americans, forever!
+I agree.
+This film will self-destruct... if not properly stored.
+We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof. We're hoping that as his trusted employee, you can help lead us to it.
+Well, I won't go without a fight, wink, wink. Heh. Let me show you around.
+But Mr. Burns gave me my job. And he hasn't fired me, even after three meltdowns and one China Syndrome. I can't betray him.
+I'm afraid you have no choice. And remember, this information is highly classified.
+Cheeeese.
+Good morning, Agent Johnson. The film you are about to see...
+Here you are, sir. Wild raspberry compote, celery root remoulade, and pheasant under duck. I hope you enjoy it.
+Oh, stop fishing for compliments, Smithers. Go home to your can of mushroom soup.
+Sir, a kind word now and then...
+I'm choking it down. Isn't that thanks enough?
+Sometimes I don't know why I bother.
+I'm in.
+Now what, Smithers? I... You're not Smithers.
+Uh, I'm Homer Simpson, your trusted employee.
+Employee, eh? What a pleasant surprise.
+Hmm... A pack of vicious dogs should be ripping you to pieces...
+Uhh, I don't know what to tell you.
+Very well, come on in. Perhaps I have something I can scald you with.
+It'll, uh, be a few minutes. So, what brings you to my home?
+Well, Mr. Burns, you always come off as kind of a gruff, crotchety loner, but we both know that deep down inside...
+Ya! Ha!
+Still cold.
+Hmm. Well, let me get you a towel.
+Starting search for trillion-dollar bill.
+C'mon... Where are you?... Here, Trilly, Trilly.
+What is this? What are you doing?
+Uhmmmm... Errr... Uhhhhh...
+Oh, I get it. I'm on to you.
+You're from Collier's magazine, aren't you? Are you going to put me in Star Snoop?
+Uh, yeah, sure. That thing.
+I hope you don't mind a little walking.
+Well, of course, I didn't want a racehorse in my living room, but you don't say no to Spring Byington, do you?
+No you don't. Heh, heh.
+Heh, heh, heh. Heh, heh. Ohh, you'll find this amusing -- the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in.
+Here's a scoop for your readers: the Hall of Patriots.
+That intrepid lad is my great grandfather! Franklin Jefferson Burns. Tossing that tea without a care for what the caffeine would do to the Fenway Flounder.
+Is that a fish?
+It was.
+Hey, that guy looks like you.
+Oh-ho, that's me all right, standing up against America's reckless, spendthrift politicians. It commemorates my liberation of a trillion dollars that would have been foolishly squandered.
+Let's move.
+Is that the trillion-dollar bill in his hand?
+Well, that would be pretty careless of me, wouldn't it? I keep the real bill right here.
+Wowww, that must be worth a fortune.
+Nobody move!
+What the...?!
+Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for grand, grand, grand, grand larceny!
+I'm not the thief, the government is. Every year you make hard-working Joes like my reporter friend here pay income taxes, and for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners, do-nothing nuclear missiles, tomb polish for some unknown soldier...
+Hey, he's right...
+You crooks in Washington have...
+Put a sock in it, punk.
+Ohh, you can silence me, but you can't silence Collier's magazine! Tell the people! Don't let the government push you around! You have a choice! Fight back!
+I'm gonna write the best darn article... Oh wait.
+Take that, Uncle Sam!
+Faster, Simpson! Those jack-booted G-men won't be far behind.
+We'll hide out at my place. I've got beer.
+No. We need help. And there's only one man who can get us out of a jam like this.
+You'll be swell! / You'll be great! / Gonna have the whole world on a plate...
+All right, all right. Keep your top on.
+Why, sir, what a pleasant...
+...So now, our own government is hunting us down like a couple of common snow leopards.
+It's an outrage, sir.
+This is Agent Johnson from the FBI. Be on the lookout for a 1936 maroon Stutz Bearcat.
+That really was more of a burgundy...
+Ohh, we're never gonna make it. Let's just divide up the trillion now, and go our separate ways.
+Uhmm, I'm afraid we've got to get out of the country.
+Capital idea! Let's blow this fascist popsicle stand. We'll purchase a small island somewhere and start our own country, free from the relentless tyranny of Uncle Sam.
+But I can't leave the country! What about my wife and kids?
+That can be shipped.
+Okay, kids, I want some answers. Where do you think your father would go with a trillion dollars?
+My Dad has a trillion dollars? Wow! I can buy and sell your sorry ass. I'll give you a billion dollars to empty the cat box for me.
+No! No, Bart! That money's going toward your college education.
+Who needs college, Mom. We're trillionaires! Let's buy dune buggies.
+Contact!
+Remove the chocks, Simpson. Simpson?
+There's soda on the plane!
+Attention fugitives. You are leaving U.S. jurisdiction. Turn back immediately or we will be unable to prosecute you.
+We'd better do what he says.
+No, wait! We're now over international waters.
+Woo hoo! We can gamble!
+Aw, nuts.
+They'll be back. They'll miss American TV.
+Any of these islands would make a fine new country.
+I call President!
+Vice President!
+Ooo, there's a big one. And it has freedom written all over it.
+Sir, that's Cuba.
+Cuba, eh? Take her down, Smithers.
+Uh, you're flying the plane, sir.
+Excellent.
+Sorry about the landing, boys. This fog is so thick I can't see my own cataracts.
+Purpose of visit?
+Oh, you're gonna love it in Cuba, Marge. There's shredded pork everywhere.
+Es carne de burro.
+Nice to meet you.
+Ahhh, the new Packard we've been hearing so much about.
+So, you say Batista's gone? Did you know that?
+I had no idea.
+Well in that case, just take us to whoever's in charge.
+Comrades, our nation is completely bankrupt. We have no choice but to abandon Communism.
+I know, I know, I know. But we all knew from day one this mumbo-jumbo wouldn't fly.
+I call Washington and tell them they won.
+But Presidente, America tried to kill you.
+Ah, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco.
+It's full of what!?
+Presidente, three men are here to see you. They claim to have a trillion-dollar bill.
+Ay Caramba!
+Oh, so the island's not for sale, eh? Well, will you at least permit us to live in your socialist paradise?
+You're talking about Cuba?
+Exactly. All we ask is preferential treatment because of my fabulous wealth.
+May I see?
+Oh-ho-ho. See with your eyes, not with your hands.
+Please, we are all amigos here.
+Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba.
+Now give it back.
+Give what back?
+It's hard to believe there's a place worse than America, but we found it.
+Yes, I, too, feel renewed appreciation for the good old U.S. of A. Oppression and harassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free.
+But, uh, sir, aren't you facing some serious jail time?
+Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that, too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!
+God bless America!
+I want a job.
+You've got it.
+No... No... No...
+Man, you'd think the quality would dip after fifty-five hundred shows, but...
+Well, the FCC isn't laughing. They don't believe kids are learning anything from Itchy and Scratchy.
+Oh, please. What don't they learn? Don't trust mice... Cats are made of glass...
+Our license renewal is on the bubble. We need educational programming fast.
+What about that Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour?
+That's barely legal as it is. Here's what I was thinking. A newscast for kids, by kids.
+Well, you're not taking any time out of my show. It's jammed up as it is. There's the monologue, those idiot puppets, Krusty's nap time, the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Papino. I tell ya, it's the tightest three hours and ten minutes on TV.
+We're cutting ten minutes from your show.
+Well, I guess we could trim the hobo parade to a lean twenty.
+Ach, she's a bonnie pile. Now for a wee nip and a wee nap.
+Ready, Milhouse?
+You owe me a quarter! I didn't crack my skull!
+Ach! Me pile! It's been raped of its bonnieness!
+Hi, Willie.
+My board!
+It's Willie's board now. And she'll make a fine piece of kindlin'.
+Sorry, Willie can't hear ya.
+It's pure.
+I really didn't want it to come to this...
+Lisa, Channel 6 is launching a children's news program. And they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchorchild.
+Oh, my gosh! Today's top story: "Little Girl on Cloud Nine as Dream Comes True."
+Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.
+I know. I already jumped to that conclusion.
+Hmf. All right, if you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunch room monitor.
+Take your sash and go.
+This isn't right! This isn't right at all!
+I'll have to eat me way out.
+Ach! It's terrible!
+Me shack! My beautiful shack! Oh, and I just got it the way I like it!
+You did this, Bart Simpson!
+The man knows quality work.
+This time you're in for it, Bart.
+What's he gonna do?
+I'll kill ya!
+All right. Back on the stretcher.
+...And I'll be able to tackle all the hard-hitting children's news the grown-up controlled media won't touch. Plus I get to be on TV!
+Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. All your hard work and grade grubbing have finally paid off!
+So who's on your news team? Nerd, nerd... Nelson?!
+Well, we used to date. Plus, he threatened me.
+Well, don't worry about sports. I got that covered.
+Back off, Bart. This may be the only chance I get as a second grader to produce my own TV show, and I'm not gonna let you screw it up.
+Mo-om...
+Oh, let your brother do sports.
+Mo-om...
+That "Mom" stuff doesn't work on me.
+Oooh, the gum with the cracker center. Mmm.
+That'll do it, Apu. So just--
+Do not be alarmed. That is just my helper monkey, sir. I got him after a robber shot me six times and left me for dead.
+Helper monkey, eh?
+Hey, I'm on TV! Fart!
+Come on, quit foolin' around, you guys.
+So we meet again, Mr. Bond.
+Bart, get out of my anchor chair.
+Silence, Octopussy.
+Come on, this isn't a joke. All over town, kids are just waking up from their naps, cranky and hungry for the news.
+Wow, Kent Brockman.
+Good luck, kids. Where the hell's my grilled cheese?
+I'd like a monkey, please. And maybe one of those dogs. What do they do?
+Ah, they serve as seeing eyes for the blind, sir.
+Do they do any other tricks?
+Just the monkey then.
+Ahh, may I inquire as to how you are "differently abled"?
+Oh-ho-ho, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.
+Uh, sir, helper monkeys are only for the physically challenged or enfeebled.
+Enfeebled?! Oo, I know just the guy! Be right back.
+Oh, son, this monkey's gonna change my life.
+Mind if I take him for a ride?
+Sure, I'll just stand here.
+Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.
+And now, Kids News... ... with Kids News anchor, Lisa...
+Thank you. Our top story today: in a move that could affect children townwide, the library book-purchase committee slashed its budget by three percent. First on the chopping block, periodicals.
+Bo-ring...
+And now, sports.
+Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggy in the barn 'cause here comes dodgeball action!
+The shirts continued their domination over the skins today. And in schoolyard fights...the highly anticipated match between Kearney and Mr. Largo ended in a disqualification, for use of dog doo on a stick. Lisa?
+Aaannnd we are... out.
+All right, kids, we learned a lot today. Now, this is what makes my job difficult. Bart, you're off the sports beat.
+Sorry, Bart, but you've got to take some things seriously.
+From now on, you're Lisa's co-anchor.
+Oooh, that's gotta hurt!
+Anchorman, huh? Well, if I'm gonna be an anchorman, I'd better go bleach the crud off my teeth. I'll be in makeup.
+I don't need a co-anchor. I'm a straight "A" student.
+Lisa, Bart's got something you can't learn in school: zazz.
+What is "zazz"?
+Zing, zork, kapowza. Call it what you want. In any language, it spells mazuma in the bank.
+"Zork?" What is "zork"?
+I didn't say zork. The point is, the camera loves him.
+But that trivializes the whole idea of kids news. I mean, let's be honest. Bart's not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain.
+In English, Lisa.
+Damn blueberry stains.
+Look, I love Bart... But he's never even read a newspaper.
+Between you and me, he's well... kinda dumb.
+There a problem, honey?
+Monkey! There's a monkey in the house!
+Relax. It's only Mojo. Mojo, Marge. Marge, Mojo. He can do anything you show him. Watch.
+Simpson residence.
+Why didn't you tell me you were bringing home a filthy monkey?
+This "filthy monkey" made the orange juice you're drinking.
+I'll show Lisa who's dumb. "Supreme Court reverses..." I won't turn to the comics, I won't turn to the comics.
+All right, I'll read one comic just to get me rollin'. "Archie." "Hey, Jughead, didja hear, the Supreme Court reversed..."
+Mom, am I dumb?
+Honey, I'd love to reassure you, but right now Mommy needs a tetanus shot.
+Mr. Brockman, I need your help. I've got to become a great anchor so I can show up my sister.
+Sister, eh? Well, I've got a sister. Miss big-shot-CNN-Washington-correspondent. Well, she's not the boss of me. Come in.
+Let's take the trophy route to the den.
+Twelve Newsies, seven Iron Mics, four Golden Coifs... This is the most prestigious award that Del Monte gives...
+Do you wanna hear my award-winning secret? Human interest stories. They tug at the heart and fog the mind. Observe.
+Hear that? It's the sound of children's laughter. Silenced. That's because tomorrow, this old carousel, which has delighted young Americans for lo these past six years, will be torn down to make way for the future: a store that sells designer mouse pads.
+Well, I guess there's no room in this modern world for old Blackie here. But, if you don't mind, this reporter is going for one last ride.
+This is Kent Brockman... ...reporting.
+And now... "Kids News."
+Marge! The kids are on!
+Hmf. The monkey's on my part of the sofa.
+Honey, he's clearly marked his territory.
+We'll bring you more on this chalk shortage as it continues. And now, Bart's been looking into that alleged ham salad from yesterday's school lunch.
+No, I haven't, Lisa. Because I went out with a camera and did a different kind of story.
+Bart, I really think we should stick--
+It's about a man. A simple man. He's one of... "Bart's People."
+Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond every day for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month, Joe made a discovery. The ducks were gone.
+Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say Toronto. And some people think that Joe used to sit down there... near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room in this modern world for an old man and his ducks.
+Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
+There's no maybe about it, sir.
+Excellent.
+Marge, can I get a duck?
+You already have a monkey.
+Can he get a duck?
+One man. No ducks. Lisa?
+That's Kids News. Good night.
+Way to go, Bart.
+That wasn't news. That was sappy manipulative drivel.
+Well, I'm sorry you couldn't feel for old Joe.
+You didn't feel for him either, you big fat phony.
+Bart, look up here. This is where the tears would be if I could cry. But I can't. Botched facelift. You could learn a lot from him, Maryann.
+It's Lisa.
+Maryann's better.
+They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.
+They call her the Cat Lady. People say she's crazy, just because she has a few dozen cats. But can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy?
+The old Union Pacific doesn't come by here much anymore...
+Come on. Come to Poppa.
+Good boy, Mojo. Now, bring 'em down and I'll give you one.
+Would you... Stop that! You're a helper monkey. This isn't helping!
+Oh, I don't need your pity.
+Our forgotten veterans. Their guns are quiet now. Their helmets lost, or pawned. And yet here they are, making flags out of old clothes. Sure, they may not have the right number of stripes, and the colors are all wrong, and some purists will tell you the American flag doesn't contain the word, "Jordache." But you know, if they run this up the flagpole, I'll salute. I'm Bart Simpson.
+Hmm, thank you, Bart, for yet another touching "Bart's People." Now, turning to--
+I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.
+That's what Veterans Day is for, Bart.
+But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?
+They also have Memorial Day.
+Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right. Maybe you're wrong. The important thing is Veterans deserve a day to honor them.
+They have two.
+Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson.
+Oh my, look at all these letters from people who want to be Bart's People, Bart.
+I wish they could all be Bart's People, Mom. I truly do.
+I'm proud of you, honey. You're finally giving something back to the community, after taking so, so much.
+Hmm. It really makes you think.
+And so on.
+What does that even mean? Mom might not see through you, but I do. You don't care about any of these people.
+Well, if I'm guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much. I'm Bart Simpson.
+Stop talking like that! Stop it!
+Lisa, please. You have absolutely no reason to be jealous. You're still a very important part of Bart's show.
+"Bart's show." If everybody knew what a phony Bart was, he'd be off that show so fast... I've got it!
+Hey Lis, be a doll and hand me that sealant.
+Hey, here's another letter for Bart's People.
+Oh, so many souls, so little air time.
+"Dear Bart, I came to this country, hoping to share the American dream. But after many years of back-breaking labor, I find myself homeless and sleeping in a junkyard."
+Oh-how-terrible-read-on.
+"Should I abandon hope or fight on bravely against impossible odds? Oh, this is too perfect.
+It is, isn't it?
+I'm gonna put him on the air tonight, live.
+Oh, Bart, you'll have to ride your bike pretty fast to get out there in time...
+Naw, I'll just take the chopper.
+They gave you a chopper?!
+Mojo, will you wipe my mouth?
+Oh, for Pete sakes. Why is that monkey wearing a diaper? I thought he was housebroken.
+You said this monkey would be sweeping the floors and cleaning the gutters. And now he just lies there, struggling to breathe.
+What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof.
+I want you to take that monkey back so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance.
+No, no. He's fine. Go on, Mojo, show Marge your happy dance.
+Mojo! What have they done to you?!
+Pray... for... Mojo.
+So by waking up a little early and having some extra sheets handy, no one's the wiser. Tomorrow, destroying the evidence.
+Eww. Thank you, Milhouse. Now it's time for today's special live edition of Bart's People.
+Lisa, I've just arrived at the Springfield dump. A lot of things get thrown out here. Sometimes, even a human being. Somewhere in this pile of twisted metal and soiled mattresses...
+...lives a poor immigrant whose home was cruelly taken away.
+Yeah! By yew!
+Groundskeeper Willie! Uhm. Ah. So, so you're the immigrant I'm here to help.
+Help?! You destroyed mY house and reduced me to living in a dump .
+Groundskeeper Willie, furious with the government that let him down. I'm Bart Simp--
+I'll kill ya!
+Oh, no! What have I done?!
+Nelson, cover for me.
+Oh, Bart, it's me, a jolly policeman. Oh, we got Willie. Come on out so we can give you a medal.
+Way to go, officer!
+Willie, stop!
+Away with ya! I've gotta finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane!
+No, you can't hurt Bart. He's... Well, he's... your son!
+Well, not literally. But in a way, isn't he everyone's son? For you see, that little "hell-raiser" is the spawn of every shrieking commercial, every brain-rotting soda pop, every teacher who cares less about young minds than about cashing their big, fat paychecks. No, Bart's not to blame. You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings. I'm Lisa Simpson.
+Ah! You're right, it's all Willie's fault. I've been a terrible father.
+Hey, Lis. Thanks.
+Boy, that phony schmaltz of yours sure is powerful stuff.
+Uh, yeah, but I have a certain respect for that whole "truth" and "hard work" thing that you do.
+You know, Bart, if we combined your showmanship with my integrity, we could make kids really care about the news.
+You're right. If we work together, there's no stopping us.
+The new improved Kids News... has been cancelled.
+Stay tuned for the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour!
+You can count on us, Mr. President.
+Major Nougat, Gooey, Cocoa, put down those entertaining Mattel products. Colonel Ka-taffy is up to his old tricks.
+Let's power up!
+I can't believe they cancelled us for this stupid...
+Shut up! I'm trying to watch this.
+Chocolate away!!!
+Gentlemen, I'm pleased to report strong holiday sales from the Christmas-Hannu-Kwanzaa spend-phase. And things look good for the Mom-Dad-Grad gift corridor.
+Ahh, then we'll have the usual summer lull, but hey, we're makin' enough money, right? Hey, hey, hey.
+Umm, but.. hey, hey.. hey, hey..
+Okay, people, we need to cook up a new holiday for the summer. Something with gifts, cards, assorted gouge-ables...
+How 'bout something religious? We had great penetration last spring with "Christmas II."
+Oh, I know! "Spendover" -- like Passover, but less talk, more presents.
+Yeah, uh... "Giftsgiving"... "Store Appreciation Day"...
+No, no, no! No, it's gotta be warm and fuzzy. Something like, um, "Love Day," but not so lame.
+Happy Love Day, everyone!
+Come on, Mom, the stores just invented this holiday to make money.
+Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.
+For you, Homie.
+I'm Sir Loves-a-Lot, the bear who loves to love!
+They didn't have Lord Huggington?
+It's the same basic bear, Homey.
+I guess.
+What the hell is this?
+It's a "Kisses-Make-Me-Boogie-O-Lantern."
+Kiss it and make it boogie!
+Kiss it.
+Uh, maybe later.
+Oh-ho yeahhh...
+Well, we'd better start our Love Day clean-up. You kids take care of the wrapping paper. I'm going to dismantle Love Land.
+Uh, what a terrible waste!
+Yes, but the memories will last a lifetime.
+Crap -- py -- stuff.
+It's full, Dad. That means you have to take out the trash.
+Yep, that's the rule. He who tops it off, drops it off.
+Nuh-uh. It isn't filled until it's spilled.
+I wuv you.
+I wuv...
+Wuv you..
+I heard that! You know the rule.
+Ooh, but I can rebuild!
+Ow-ow, stupid-trash, rotten-stinky, hate-world, revenge-soon, take out on everyone... Garbage water! Oh-ho-ho!
+You're pushin' me, baby.
+Hey wait! Stop! I have garbage!
+And the school nurse says Bart has the plague.
+You guys are the lousiest garbage men ever! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! You trash-eatin' stink bags!
+What did you call us?
+I don't know. A lot of people were yelling stuff.
+Yeah, you called us, "trash-eating stink bags."
+Didn't you learn anything from Love Day?
+That was yesterday, moron!
+Good news, everyone. I got in a fight with the garbage men and they're cutting off our service.
+Oh lord! Now what are we going to do? Just let the trash pile up?
+Hey, I'd rather live in a dump than in a world run by snooty garbage men.
+Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
+I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
+Siddown, honey. The men will clear the table!
+So long, chicken bone.
+See you in hell, brussel sprouts.
+No room for you, Jell-O.
+Goodbye, fine China.
+Easy, Ned, don't breathe in.
+Oooooh!
+Sorry Ned. I didn't see you down there. Got him.
+Uh, listen Homer, ah, hate to be a fussy Freddy and all, but Maude's folks are here and, ah, they're a tad touchy about odors...
+Then you might wanna close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill.
+Look, Daddy, I'm king of the mountain!
+Rod, get off of there!
+Three, two, one...
+Go! Go! Go!
+So-ho, the rats seem happy.
+Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again.
+That's not the way she tells it.
+Uh, it's like the measles. Good to get it out of the way.
+Homer, this has gone far enough. Will you please just apologize to the garbage men?
+Yeah Dad, you're always telling me and Bart to apologize.
+Yeah, but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do. Anyway, I think those garbage men are starting to crack.
+I think you're startin' to crack.
+Apologize for that remark.
+No way.
+Attaboy!
+Good morning, Trash Pile. How's about...
+Hey! Woo-hoo! I won!
+This is a very, very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, me, beat City Hall. It's just like David and Goliath, only this time David won.
+And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge! Well, this man doesn't crawl. He stands tall. That rhymes, Marge, and you know it rhymes. Admit it!
+Oh Homer, you didn't beat City Hall! They picked up our trash because I wrote a letter of apology to the Sanitation Commissioner and signed your name. Period.
+You signed my name? I feel so violated.
+You've signed my name lots of times.
+But this isn't like a loan application or a will -- you signed away my dignity. And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?
+Perfect.
+Here's your apology back, Mr. Simpson, and I'm sorry we couldn't work this out.
+Don't come off all high and mighty with me, Patterson. You can't scare me, with your office and your desk and your lamp.
+I'm not tryin' to scare you. I'm just tryin' to get my work done, here.
+Oh, oh, oh, I get it. Put on a big show for the cameras.
+What cameras? Why are you still here?
+I came to fight City Hall. I wanna shake things up, Patterson. Stir up some controversy. Rattle a few cages.
+Hey, stop that!
+You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson! A crusader for the little guy!
+Leave the bird alone!
+Look Simpson, I've been elected by the voters of this city sixteen years in a row, so they must think I'm doing a damn good job.
+You want to know what I think?
+No! Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loud-mouthed malcontent!
+Well, we'll see about that.
+I want to register to run for Sanitation Commissioner. And tell the fatcats upstairs -- things are gonna change in this town!
+Okay, but this is where you register as a sex offender.
+Aw, jeez. There's always a line.
+Hey, everybody, vote for my Dad, Homer Simpson. If you don't he'll beat us.
+Why you little... No one's gonna beat ya, son. You're gonna get such a beating.
+Hey, vote Simpson... Hi... Nice to see ya... Heh, thanks for comin' out... Keep puttin' on weight, huh? Lenny, my man.
+So, Homer, if we vote for you, whaddaya gonna do different?
+What am I, the answer man? Just vote for me.
+Hmf, I don't know Ray Patterson, but he's no Ray Patterson.
+Yeah, Homer's a great Nuclear Safety Inspector, but I don't know if I'd trust him with my garbage.
+Yea, I know. It's a peace of mind issue you know?
+These old geezers just don't get it. It's time to rock the vote.
+Siddown! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone!
+Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Can I help you?
+Potato man.
+Where the hell you been?
+Okay, camera two... Uh, excuse me, this is a restricted area.
+Take a hike, Kojak.
+Hellooo Springfield! It's me, Homer!
+What the bloody hell?
+Quiet, you! I know you youngsters wanna see these rockin' rockers. But I also know you care about the race for Sanitation Commissioner. So, let me give ya the 911...
+Get off the stage! / Get out of here, fatso!
+Hold on, people. The man's talkin' about waste management. That affects the whole damn planet.
+Oh, here we go... What do you say we go down to Moe's for a pint?
+Can I come?
+Wankers...
+Now, Homer... I hear Ray Patterson is a fine public servant. Why should the people of Springfield--
+Springfield! / Whoo!
+Why should they vote for you?
+That's a good question, Bono. 'Cause I'd be the most wack, tripped-out Sanitation Commissioner ever! Can ya dig it?
+Wow, look at him go! You're the real Lord of the Dance, Homer.
+Ow! Oh, Bono! Help me!
+Don't worry, folks. He'll get the help he needs.
+My campaign is a disaster, Moe.
+I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me... I'd make 'em pay. Oh Moe, how do I make 'em like me?
+Ah, gee, you're kinda all over the place there, Homer. You need to focus here. You gotta think hard and come up with a slogan that appeals to all the lazy slobs out there.
+Can't someone else do it?
+"Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect!
+Yeah. Now get out there and spread that message to the people!
+Woo hoo!
+Whoa, whoa, hey, you didn't pay for the beer.
+Can't someone else do it?
+/ Very good.
+Seriously, gimme the money.
+Fellow citizens! How would you rate the trash service in this town?
+I would deem it excellent.
+Uh, okay, it's excellent. But aren't you tired of waking up early and dragging the garbage to the curb?
+Oh man, you got that right. / Yeah. / I guess so. / It's so annoying in the morning/ Yes. / Uh-huh.
+Aren't you tired of having to peel that last snotty Kleenex from the bottom of your wastebasket?
+I'll say.
+Well then...
+Well then, can't someone else do it?
+Hey, yeah!
+And can't someone else scoop out that nasty kitty litter?
+Yeah! / Someone else! / Someone else! / Yeah!
+Well, Ray Patterson thinks you should do it! Animals are crapping in our houses, and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America. That's not even Mexico.
+Don't you deserve better than the best?
+Who should handle all your dirty jobs?
+Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!
+I'm sorry my opponent didn't think enough of you to show up for this debate. I'm sure he had more important things to do.
+Sorry I'm late, everyone. Somebody tampered with my brakes.
+Well, then you shoulda been early.
+Ha. He - he gotcha there, Ray.
+Oh, c'mon, people. This man has promised round the clock trash pick-up. That's impossible!
+Not if we hire more men. And my men will do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables...
+I can't believe what I'm hearing!
+Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.
+"Pops?" I'm only two years older than you!
+Do we want old man Patterson here with his finger on the button?
+What button? What the hell are you talkin' about?!
+What-what-what. What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?
+All right, fine. If you want an experienced public servant, vote for me. But if you wanna believe a bunch of crazy promises about garbage men cleaning your gutters and waxing your car -- then by all means, vote for this sleazy lunatic.
+Woo hoo!
+Aren't you gonna buy it, Dad?
+Fifty cents? Not likely.
+Hey, Ray. Cleanin' out the old office, eh?
+If I hadn't already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing...
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Ray. Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship?
+Friendship? You told people I lure children into my gingerbread house.
+Yeah, that was just a lie.
+Simpson, the American people have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials. You are going to crash and burn, my fat-headed friend.
+See? We're still friends. C'mon, give us a cuddle.
+Jean-Paul, how are the new uniforms? Do they match the suede boots? Beautiful. Did you get the new trucks? Are they amphibious? Well, there's only one way to find out. We can always buy more.
+Wow, Dad, you're really working hard.
+Yes, I gotta work hard, honey. Daddy made a lot of crazy promises.
+I'm really proud of you, Homie, but can the garbage man really do all the things you said?
+Oh, the garbage man can, Marge. The garbage man can.
+WHO CAN TAKE YOUR TRASH OUT? / STOMP IT DOWN FOR YOU? / SHAKE THE PLASTIC BAG AND DO THE TWISTY-THINGY TOO? / THE GARBAGE MAN...
+OH, THE GARBAGE MAN CAN.
+THE GARBAGE MAN CAN / AND HE DOES IT WITH A SMILE / AND NEVER JUDGES YOU.
+WHO CAN TAKE THIS DIAPER?
+I DON'T MIND AT ALL.
+WHO CAN CLEAN ME UP / BEFORE THE BIG POLICEMAN'S BALL? / THE GARBAGE MAN?
+YES THE GARBAGE MAN CAN.
+THE SANITATION FOLKS / ARE JOLLY FRIENDLY BLOKES / COURTEOUS AND EASYGOING.
+THEY MOP UP WHEN YOU'RE OVERFLOWING...
+AND TELL YOU WHEN YOUR ARSE IS SHOWING.
+WHO CAN?
+WHO CAN?
+WHO CAN?
+WHO CAN?
+THE GARBAGE MAN CAN
+'CAUSE HE'S HOMER SIMPSON, MAN
+HE CLEANS THE WORLD FOR YOU!
+Simpson, you idiot, you spent your entire year's budget in a month. Your department's broke.
+Oh no! Wait, I think I've got the perfect solution.
+You better, because those garbage men won't work for free.
+Patterson was right. I'm crashing and burning... crashing and burning...
+How could you spend four point six million dollars in a month?
+They let me sign checks with a stamp, Marge. A stamp!
+Hey Brandine, I think I done busted my stinkbone!
+You know Dad, there's a lesson in all this. Many cities have problems with garbage disposal, and it's time we realized you can't just...
+Wait, shutup... I just thought of something!
+'Mornin', boys.
+Where's our paychecks, ya bum?
+My men ain't workin' another minute till we get paid.
+Will cash be okay?
+Will it!
+Did I hear a briefcase opening?
+Okay, before I show ya, who wants to guess how I got the money?
+Dealing drugs?
+I'll have to say drugs, too.
+Close, but you're way off.
+Look at that beautiful garbage! Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.
+That's awful! I almost wish it were drugs.
+Some of it is.
+Good God, Homer! You're turning our wonderful little town into America's trash-hole.
+Marge... ix-nay on the ash-hole-tray.
+But Dad, you can't cram garbage under Springfield forever.
+Sure I can, Honey-kitten.
+I don't know how you did it, Homer, but you certainly solved that budget crisis.
+What the hell is that?
+Uh, nothin'.
+Now, uh, you were saying how great I was...?
+What's this? Melon rinds? Panty hose? A term paper from Texas Tech? Simpson, do you know anything about...
+Dear Lord, please take Mr. Bunny up to heaven.
+And all those opposed to horse-whipping Homer Simpson?
+And now, all in favor of reinstating Ray Patterson!
+Oh gosh, you know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank-you, bye.
+He's right. He ain't much on speeches.
+Now, people, we are far from screwed.
+The time for panic has come. We must move forward, and turn to the town's all-purpose contingency plan.
+You mean plan B?!
+Yes, B.
+I can't believe it's come to this.
+Come to what?
+Moving the whole town five miles down the road! It's crazy!
+Yeah, it's somethin', all right.
+So we transplant the town. We're just gonna trash the new Springfield, too.
+Yeah, but whaddaya gonna do? If you need me, I'll be at Moe's.
+Hi Moe.
+Hey-ya, Homer.
+Do yourself a favor. Don't turn around.
+I told ya not to turn around.
+Look, guys. I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection.
+Okay, here we go.
+How many spoons have you got now, Adam?
+Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane.
+Can I see it?
+My spoon!
+Wankers...
+Wowwww! McBain has really buffed up. You could grate cheese on those abs.
+Yeah, but can he do this?
+I surrender!
+That's what I call break-neck speed.
+Mom, a man just died.
+Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.
+What? They had a picnic last week.
+No they didn't. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.
+If God didn't want us to eat in church, he would have made gluttony a sin.
+Ah, the joke's on you. We borrowed that jar from your table. So you just shot your own mustard!
+Aw nuts!
+Ooo, still plenty of parking.
+Nice to see you, Homer.
+Yeah, out of the way, whoever you are. You're blocking the food.
+Ah, there's nothing like a good old-fashioned picnic. How's my kite doing, Smithers?
+Oh-ho, it's, uh, soaring majestically, sir.
+You're it!
+We'll see about that. After him, Smithers!
+You're not it.
+Gentlemen, the game is capture the flag. Rod, ladies pick first.
+Okay, I choose... Todd.
+Oh! Oh! Oh! Bart! Bart! Over here! O-over here!
+Um... I'll take... Nelson.
+Saving the best for last, huh, Bart?
+Yeah, that must be it.
+I pick my Dad. Do you want to play capture the flag, Daddy?
+Heh. Sports on a Sunday? Hm. I'd better check with Reverend--
+Oh, play the damn game, Ned.
+Yeah, well, if you get a grown-up, then so do we. I pick my Dad.
+Oh, you'd be surprised. He gets pretty competitive when he's drinking. C'mon, Dad. We're playing Capture the Flag!
+Sorry, son, Daddy's down for the day. Why don't you go capture me some more potato salad?
+But Rod picked his Dad. It's a matter of family honor.
+Flanders is playing? Why didn't you say so?
+Oh, it appears I will have to find a new Fortress of Solitude.
+Okay, Dad, they've got our flag guarded pretty good...
+I agree. Let's surrender.
+No, wait. I have a plan. But I'll need your underpants.
+Hmm... All right, but don't lose them. They're my only pair.
+I got it! I got the flag!
+Get him!
+Stupid kids...
+This isn't the flag! It looks more like... Ewww!
+Suckers! Go Dad!
+Come on, Dad! Just a few more feet! Show 'em what you got!
+Tag tag tag tag tag!
+Time out... t... time out...
+Oh, I don't think he can get up. Let's egg him!
+Oh, stop it!
+Hey, h-he's trying to turn over.
+I've never seen Bart so ashamed of me.
+Oh, Marge. How could you let me let myself go like this?
+Me? I'm not the one who puts butter in your coffee.
+Yeah, well, I've humiliated my son for the last time. I'm going to get into shape.
+Whatever you say, sweetie.
+No, I mean it. I'm really serious this time.
+Okay, honey. Okay. I'll start taking in all your slacks.
+Okay, boy, I want you to keep this exercise thing under your hat. That way I won't be embarrassed if I fail.
+Oh, great. Now the cat knows.
+Okay, here we go...
+Look, son. Daddy got in shape. E--
+I've got to keep trying! Or I could just move that picture. No! The picture looked good where it was. Boy, drag me back outside.
+So what will it be, Mr. Simpson? Your usual bucket of ice cream covered with miniature pies?
+Uhh... Don't you have anything healthy here?
+Oh, well, we have some low-salt candy bars and some reduced-fat soda. And our beef jerky is now nearly rectum-free.
+Hey, these Power Sauce bars look pretty healthy.
+Oh yes, that is a new item. No bar contains more applesauce.
+Hmm... A bushel of apples packed in each bar, plus a secret ingredient that unleashes the awesome power of apples. Wow.
+"Gym?" What's a "Gym?"
+Ohhh... a gym.
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Boy, am I feeling this. Ow! Oh, my head's gonna be sore in the morning. Ow!
+Excuse me. You're doing this station all backwards. Let me show you how to do it like a man.
+Ranier Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies and your Power Sauce bars and your taut, rippling--
+Hey, hey, hey. That's enough. Now step over to the abdominator and I will shout slogans at you.
+Push! Harder! Go past the max! Reach over the top! Master your ass!
+Wow, Wolfie. Two months ago I didn't know what the word "dumbbell" meant. This place is great.
+Hello, handsome. Nice muscles. Care for a rubdown? Oh-ho, well, I'm flattered, but spoken for. Oh, what the heck, give me your number.
+Dad, what have you done to your stomach?
+And your chest!
+And your shirt!
+I have been working out secretly at night. And look at me now!
+Oh my goodness gracious!
+Heh, heh, heh. Go ahead. Try and grab some flab. Go on. Ju--
+No, not there.
+Not there either. Over here.
+I've got some!
+No, here. Try my foot. No, not that foot. Just feel my biceps.
+Whoaa...
+Well, whaddaya think of your old man now, son?
+Damn right.
+How can you put that filth into your bodies?
+My casserole is not filth. Eat it.
+Look at you people. Bart's a tub, Lisa's weak as a little girl, and Maggie doesn't seem to be growing at all.
+Now that's just non--
+You too, Marge. If you toned up a little, you'd probably get a lot more action.
+Homer, stop insulting us and eat your filth. Food. I mean, food.
+Sorry, I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing five pounds of spaghetti into one handy mouth-sized bar.
+Hospital, please.
+Homer, please remember to wipe your sweat off that machine. I got a terrible rash yesterday.
+You know Rainier Wolfcastle?
+Yeah, he helped me blast through the burn and ride the zone.
+Yo, yo, Rainier, my man! How ya doin'? I thought you'd be here, pumping those guns.
+We've come up with a killer promotion for Power Sauce bars. Picture this: You...
+I love it.
+...climb the highest mountain in Springfield...
+The Murderhorn.
+Are you crazy? That's suicide.
+Oh, sure, for experienced mountain climbers. But you're a movie star. And you'll have the Power Sauce edge.
+Not for all the applesauce in Glueckenschlaben.
+My Dad could do it!
+He eats fifty dollars' worth of Power Sauce bars a day.
+Overshoot the extreme, max the envelope, and so on.
+Wow, he's really been paying attention to our slogans. Uh, Brad -- a word.
+New angle: Joe Schlub eats Power Sauce bar -- becomes World's Mightiest Man.
+It's believable. That's what I like about it.
+Hm. Congratulations, sir.
+You're gonna be the first man to climb the Murderhorn.
+Uh, no, that's it over there.
+Yeah, that's it. Just to the right of the one you're looking at.
+Okay, mountain-climbing supplies: rope, ice axe, heart medicine...
+Son! Don't go up that mountain! You'll die up there! Just like I did!
+You? Did?
+Sure, it was the winter of '28...
+The Butter Baby Flapjack company sponsored me and a fella named McAllister. We were almost to the top, when we ran low on supplies.
+Heroically, I gave him the last short stack.
+Then, that glory hog took all the supplies and headed for the top alone.
+I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. 'Course folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbuggin' that very night. But that skunk McAllister was never seen again.
+If you're trying to scare me, it won't work. I'm one hundred percent focused on my goal. Hey, my hat has ear flaps!
+Huh?... Wha ya?... Hey! You guys are dragging me up the mountain.
+And when he reaches the top, Mr. Simpson, here, will plant this Power Sauce flag as an eternal symbol of man's contempt for nature. Wait -- is "contempt" the word I want here?
+Homer, you're the world's greatest hero. Do you owe it all to Power Sauce?
+That's right, Brad and Neil. I only eat Power Sauce -- the bar with Apple-saucicity.
+Has anyone mentioned that Homer doesn't know anything about mountain climbing and that this is all crazy?
+Well, yes, a number of people. But don't worry. We're sending two Sherpas along as guides.
+Aww. Goodbye, everyone. Don't touch my stuff.
+Dad, wait. You're not risking your life just to impress me, are you?
+Well, yeah...
+Oh, cool! Now get goin', chop-chop!
+Remember our agreement. He can't fail.
+Oh, man, this is hard.
+Uh, Dad?
+Shouldn't you save a couple bottles for when you're a little higher?
+Bart, this climb is the most difficult ordeal I have ever faced.
+Don't get discouraged, Dad. Only four vertical miles to go.
+Wow! Look how far I climbed! And I'm not even tired!
+Wake up, you lazy Sherpas. We've got a mountain to climb!
+This Power Sauce news break is brought to you by Power Sauce. Get sauced with Power Sauce. Neil?
+Our top story: Homer Simpson has just Power Sauced his way past the halfway point of the Murderhorn.
+Brad, could Homer have made it this far without the engineered nutrition of six kinds of apples?
+No way, Neil. Oh, this just in: Power Sauce is amazing!
+Brad and Neil were quite insistent you not die.
+Frankly we don't care.
+So nobody believes I can do this, huh? Well, my son does. And I'm not gonna let him down. I'm going to climb this entire mountain on my own.
+Then technically, shouldn't you go back down the mountain and start all over?
+Shut up. You are so fired.
+Woo hoo!
+Homer Simpson here. I've sent the Sherpas home and I'm heading for the top, solo.
+Are you crazy? You'll never make it.
+The hell I won't. You're forgetting I've got my Power Sauce bars.
+Wake up, Homer! Those bars are just junk. They're made of apple cores and Chinese newspapers.
+Hey, Deng Xiao-Ping died.
+Homer, listen to me! Turn back now!
+Forget it. I'll be at the top by noon. Over and out.
+Homer Simpson -- defying all medical advice -- has switched to Power Sauce's arch-rival: the Vita-Peach Health Log. Doctors say he may not have the meganutrients needed to stave off death.
+Oh, Dad's gonna die and it's all my fault! I really need a good talkin' to.
+Don't worry, kids. Your father'll be okay, as long as he's with those Sherpas.
+Uh... Mom?
+Air's getting thin, but I'm gonna make it. Woo! Getting lightheaded... Good -- no heavy head to carry. Wait! I'll just take that escalator!
+La la la la la la la la...
+La la la la la la la la la...
+Just a few feet more...
+I did it! I made it all the way to... Aw, crap!
+It just keeps going! I give up. You beat me, mountain!
+At least I won't freeze to death.
+"Last entry. I have mountaineered to the utmost, but the peak is unclimbable. Worse still, that treacherous skunk Abe Simpson stole my oxygen, and tried to eat my left arm."
+Ew, Dad. "Tell my beloved wife my last thoughts were of her, blinding and torturing Abe Simpson. Cheerio."
+My Dad's a disgrace, just like Bart's Dad. Me.
+This may not be the top, but it's as close as a Simpson's ever gonna get.
+This is for you, son.
+Hey. Wait a minute. I'm on the top. I actually did it. I climbed the unclimbable mountain! Bow down before me, everyone! For I am your KING!
+Family to Dad. Family to Dad. Come in, Dad!
+Uh, I'm pretty sure he's dead, little girl. Here, have a Power Sauce bar. It's on the house.
+Hey! Something's coming down the mountain! Fast!
+Oh no, he fell! I can't look!
+Oh, Homie! You're alive!
+Oh, Marge, I never thought you'd see me again.
+Where in the world did you find a sled on top of the--
+We're too late. He's dead. A-- And it looks like someone tried to eat him.
+What are you looking at me for? You're all crazy! Crazy as--
+Okay, here's what I think happened...
+Didja make it to the top, Dad? Huh? Didja?
+Why don't you tell me, son? See any interesting flags up there?
+All I see is a pole. Maybe the flag fell off.
+Aw, dammit!
+Forget about it, Homer. You made it to the top. You're the coolest Dad ever.
+Thanks, Bart. That makes it all worthwhile.
+Is that your wallet?
+Hey Bart, what's your favorite thing about teachers' conference day?
+Hm. I guess that we don't have to go to school.
+Wow, mine too!
+The world is completely different on a weekday morning. Banks are open, old people are walking the streets with impunity...
+And look! Barney's not even drunk yet!
+'Mornin' boys. Can't stop to chat. Time is money.
+'Mornin', Barney.
+You know what makes it even sweeter? While we're out havin' fun and walkin' around like crazy, those teachers are cooped up in the school like morons.
+Here we go again...
+Ah. No day would be completely wasted without a visit to the old joke shop.
+Rookie mistake, Milhouse.
+Check it out, Bart! X-ray specs!
+Hey. These don't work.
+Uhh... Lead shirt.
+I'll take three pairs! Here's my prescription.
+Hey. You wanna not play with that? Just got it charged.
+Maybe you can help me. I don't think my face is as hilarious as it could be. What can you show me in a nose or forehead accessory?
+WWWhoa! Looking sharp.
+Well. Thanks, guv'nor.
+If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.
+Milhouse, I'm not gonna take dog doo that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face. I have a better idea.
+Hey Dad, wake up.
+Huh? Whuh? Hyuwhuh? I'm awake! I'm awake! I'm a productive member of the team! You can't fire me, I quit! Please, I have a family! Well, let's see what we got in the ol' drawer.
+Eh. Eh.
+Aha. There's some glue.
+Hope this stuff holds.
+This exhibit is a once-in-a-lifetime event. It's the first time these Egyptian artifacts have been allowed out of England.
+Just let me put some film in the camera, and then we'll hop in the car. You can get a picture of your Mommy with a mummy.
+Whoops! There goes Carlsbad Caverns. Oh, well.
+Oh, I can't wait! In just twenty minutes, we'll be in a three hour line to see the Orb of Isis.
+Notice anything new?
+Bart! What have I told you about throwing money away at that joke shop?
+To try and cut back a little?
+Take those silly things off.
+It won't come off.
+Bart, did you glue those on?
+Oh, don't be ridiculous.
+"In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician." Oh my goodness!
+Mom, I didn't eat any of it. I'm not stupid.
+We've got to get you to a doctor right away.
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
+Wait! You promised to take me to the museum!
+I know, honey. But this is a very unusual situation... at least it would be for most families.
+What if I took a bus?
+A bus? Alone? Absolutely not. It's just too dangerous for an eight-year- old. In a few years, when you're old enough to drive, then you can take A bus.
+But it's the last day of the Isis exhibit!
+Well, you should have thought of that before I glued all this stuff to my face.
+Who is this?
+It's Lisa. I just called to tell you how much I love you and can I take the bus to the museum?
+Museum? I don't like the sound of that. What did your mother say?
+Ahm... I wasn't a hundred per cent clear on that. She said something, but she was kind of in a rush to get Bart to the emergency room.
+Hmm. So you want to take the bus, huh? I don't know. That's a pretty big decision...
+Well... if it would put your mind at ease, I could take a limousine. Although that would cost two hundred dollars...
+Two hundred dollars?! Isn't there any other way?
+Hmm. I guess I could take the bus, if you think that's a better idea.
+Frankly, I do. I know you had your heart set on a limo, but sometimes daddies have to say no, honey. I'm afraid you're gonna have to take the bus.
+Oh, all right.
+Atta girl. I love you, sweet --
+Ah, the old Number 22. Clean, reliable public transportation. The chariot of the people. The ride of choice for the poor and very poor alike. Sure, some folks prefer--
+Uh, you gettin' on this next bus, kid?
+V.D. clinic.
+Look! It's the bus! The bus! Come on, you're gonna miss the bus!
+That's one small step f-- Whoa!
+Hi, Larry.
+I'm sorry, it's just that on the school bus--
+May I sit there?
+Of course not, honey. That seat's for my coin purse.
+May I have that seat?
+Yes... if you can answer me these questions three. Question the first--
+Never mind.
+Sycamore Avenue.
+Little Newark. Little Newark.
+Crackton. Crackton is the stop.
+Crackton? That doesn't sound right.
+Industrial Access Road. / Airport Refuelin' Way. / Rural Route Nine. / Army Proving Ground.
+Um... excuse me, sir. When does this bus get to the museum?
+It doesn't.
+Oh! But isn't this the 22?
+Yeah -- Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday-Thursday, it's the 22A.
+22A?! Then where the heck am I?
+Don't make me tap the sign.
+But I'm lost and I need to know where --
+Last stop. End of the line.
+I should've got off in Crackton.
+Okay, the museum's got to be north of here. Now which way is north...?
+Aha! It's springtime, so the geese must be flying back north.
+See, Bart? There's another boy who played with glue.
+Actually, it was a plumbing explosion.
+That's the kind of faucet I want for your bathroom.
+How could I confuse bus 22 with bus 22A?
+Area 51? I found Area 51!
+No, ma'am. This is Area 51-A.
+Well, um, I'm kind of lost. Can you tell me where I am?
+I'm sorry. The location of this location is classified.
+Stupid bus that can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go.
+I seen it first!
+Ooh, Girly Sue's gonna have a elegant weddin' feast.
+Uh-huh. Um, listen, I'm kind of lost. Do you think you could give me a lift downtown?
+Cletus, what are you beatin' your gums about?
+Eh, never you mind, Brandine. You just go back to birthin' that baby. Yeah, I'll fetch ya a ride, little Missy. Hop on in.
+Mind the skunk. Them things can go off even after they's dayd.
+Hmmm. Young man, there's nothing funny about novelties. I mean, they're humorous and all, but, uh, this is certainly no laughing matter.
+Can you help him, Doctor?
+Oh my, yes. Why if I had seventy-five dollars for every novelty I've removed... oh, by the way, I'll need a check for seventy-five dollars.
+Yes, I think a... a series of painful injections directly into Bart's spine should get the job done.
+What happened? You didn't do anything.
+Oh, didn't I? Nothing dissolves glue better than human sweat. I knew Bart would panic and start perspiring at the sight of this button applicator.
+Couldn't you have just turned up the heat a little?
+Oh, heavens no. It had to be terror sweat.
+So, uh, ain't you guys gonna ask me about my hat?
+Hey Carl, what's with the hat?
+Homer, what's going on? Shouldn't you be at work?
+Oh, what, this thing? I got it down at the museum. It's what the ancient Egyptians call a "souvenir."
+My daughter's at that Egyptian dealy right now. She wanted to take a limo, but I made her take the bus.
+You sent your little girl downtown on a bus?
+MMMaybe... but you don't know Lisa. I mean she's so smart, they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things, but she had so much knowledge it overloaded and then it got really hot and caught on fire.
+That never, uhh, happened, did it, Homer?
+Uh, yesss... but now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter.
+I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district.
+Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to the museum?
+Soo-dah-voyalst-vium. Etta shayst kvart-ah-lov vuh ettem naprav-len-eeyah.
+Hm. Shah-ee-maht.
+Haro-sha-ya eegra. Kock nashoat ee-show ahdnoy?
+Klav Khalash!
+No, thanks!
+Oh, that's it. I give up.
+You have reached the office of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the waterbed, please leave a detailed message. If you need--
+Get back to work!
+You buy it! You buy it!
+Lisa?! Lisa?! Li-sa?!
+Oh, where is she?
+Has anyone seen my little girl?
+For God's sakes, my little girl is--
+I am at work. This is what I do.
+Keep it moving, Marge. This isn't a parking lot.
+Oh, sorry.
+Shouldn't you be at work right now?
+Uh, yes sir, Mr. Burns, sir.
+Well then, get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.
+Excuse me, ma'am, have you seen this girl?
+Uh, I'd love to help you, pal, but I'm on a stakeout, here. And--
+Yoink! Haw-haw!
+Oh! Aw! Oh, great. Somebody stop that awful, awful man!
+Lisa... Lisa...
+This is no good. I've got to get up higher.
+Give me all your balloons.
+I hope this works...
+These are for you if you let me use your cherry picker.
+Well... I've already got some balloons. But they're not this nice. Deal.
+Excuse me, ma'am? Uh, hello? Somebody? Anybody?
+Lisa? Lisa? Lisa!
+Stay there! I'll come down and save you!
+Lisa! Save me!
+Hang on, Dad!
+Look out!
+Oh, no! I'm gonna go off the end of the --
+I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
+Hurry! Hurry! Lower the bridge!
+You're the boss.
+Dad, grab onto it!
+Oh, Lisa, thank God you're okay!
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Oww!
+You said to crush him, right?
+Are you sure you don't want to go to a doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.
+Nah, I'll just walk it off.
+I should have known I wasn't old enough to take the bus alone, but I really wanted to see that exhibit. I'll never take another stupid risk like that again!
+Don't ever say that.
+If I hadn'ta taken a stupid risk with that cherry picker, I never would have found you.
+I guess...
+Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now your mother, she's the steady type, and that's fine in small doses. But me, I'm a risk taker. And that's why I have so many adventures.
+Dad! You're headed for the river again!
+Feel your heart pumping a mile a minute? That's what my heart's doing all the time. Bet your left arm's tingling too, huh?
+Dad, are you all right?
+I'm enjoying my life too much to care. And you should be too. So what would you like to do right now, more than anything in the world?!
+See the Isis exhibit. But the museum's closed.
+Closed, eh? So getting in would be a pretty big risk. What do you say, honey? Feeling stupid? I know I am.
+Lisa, we're home! Sorry about the museum! You'd better go up and apologize.
+But my apologies always sound so forced.
+Hey, Lis. I'm sorry I ruined your Egyptian thing. We're still buds, right?
+Okay, be that way. Be a big, stupid jerk.
+Oh, you're not the jerk, I am. Forgive me? Oh, like you're Miss Perfect! Mom! Lisa's making me feel bad!
+Stop it, Lisa!
+That shut her up.
+Just a little higher...
+Dad, I'm kind of scared.
+Good. You're gonna need that adrenaline to make the final jump.
+Okay... Here goes.
+Could you open the window? The cops have Daddy's prints on file.
+Wowww. It's magnificent.
+Now I know how Sir Dudley Winthrop felt when he first fell through the ceiling and discovered the Temple of Isis.
+Have you ever seen such exquisite Ushabtis?
+Uh... not this exquisite.
+Ohmigosh! It's the mysterious Orb of Isis.
+Archaeologists have been studying it for decades, and still have no clue what it means.
+Well, Daddy will figure it out.
+Oh! We can't touch it, Dad. It's behind a velvet rope! A velvet rope.
+Lisa, you can't go this far and then not go further.
+You broke it!
+It's a music box! Dad, we uncovered the secret!
+Oh, so now it's we, eh.
+It's so beautiful. And just think, we're the first people to hear its song in more than four thousand years.
+Thanks for making me take such a stupid risk, Dad.
+Anytime, honey. Just remember, never be afraid to live life on the edge. Now let's get home before your mother kills us.
+It's kind of humbling, isn't it? The music we just heard might never be heard again.
+Yeah... but it'll always live on, because we'll never forget it.
+Dad, that's the Old Spice song.
+It is? Well... that's a good song too. Do do do do-do do do...
+Do do do do-do / Do do do do-do / Do do do do do do do do.
+Look, honey, I clipped on my tie all by myself.
+And look as handsome as the day we were married.
+Oh, Happy Anniversary, Marge.
+Hey, look what was in here. A program from that guy's funeral.
+You mean Frank Grimes?
+Yeah, him. Whatever happened to that guy?
+What are you doing?!
+Playin' Hot Wheels.
+Ow! That had a guide pin in it.
+What happened to Grampa? He was supposed to baby-sit.
+Now you've got her, Bart. Jump Lisa's king.
+I'm not Bart, I'm Rod Flanders.
+There you go with that smart mouth. Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.
+Yes, sir.
+Hm, I guess we'll have to take the kids with us to dinner.
+But Marge, the Gilded Truffle is an intimate, elegant place.
+Bo-ring. I'll take you to a place that's really romantic.
+Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!
+Okay folks, this is your pilot speaking. If you'll look to the left side of the aircraft, you'll see Homer and Marge Sampson, who are celebrating with us today their eleventh air-niversary. Sooo hang on while we dip our wings to this happy couple.
+Yayyy! / Whoa! More! / Do it again! Do it again!
+Hey, Jose, easy up, huh?
+Sorry. We were only hired to park cars.
+Wow! This is the best anniversary ever.
+Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic.
+Ohhh, look, Homie. Our wedding cake.
+You mean there's been cake in our freezer for eleven years? Why was I not informed?
+Look at this little plastic couple. Mmm, so full of hopes, potential, dreams for the future...
+Hey Marge, wouldn't it be weird if they had little parties at night? Wee little parties?
+I'm going to bed.
+Gotcha!
+Another super year with a super lady. Good night, honey.
+Good night, Homie.
+You know, um, it is a special occasion...
+Yeah, we probably should... you know... rock the Casbah.
+Yeah. Seems like the thing to do.
+So, you gonna...
+Oh. Oh, did you want me to...?
+Oh. No. No, I'm the guy. I'm supposed to, uh...
+No, no, no, I have my part in this, too, um...
+I know, but let me get you started first.
+All right. How's that?
+Homie, you got your, your elbow in...
+Oh, sorry.
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
+Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Do you want me to?
+No, no. Don't do that.
+Well, we used to...
+I know, but I don't like it.
+Look who's here!
+Ooh! Who's a good boy?
+He's the best boy!
+Oh yes he is! Yes he is!
+Hey, Marge, wasn't that great when the dog came in here?
+Oh, yeah. He's really special.
+I love that dog.
+I love him, too. G'night.
+G'night.
+Hmm, that's queer.
+Homer, don't look.
+The food!
+Why did this happen? Whyyyyyy?
+Someone left the freezer door open and the motor burned out. We can get a new one.
+It was just the shock of seeing all that food on the floor. Plus I'd just fallen on my back, which hurt more than I let on.
+When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor?
+Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.
+Folks, is your marriage stuck in a rut?
+Can you even remember the last time you felt the thrill of romance?
+Well, maybe you need... a divorce. Call the Divorce Specialists now for a consultation and free tote bag.
+Ooh. There's the turn!
+I'll get us out of this, honey. It's just gonna take a whole lot of floorin'.
+Hmmm...
+... And that's why today, bananas are called "yellow fatty beans." Questions?
+When are Mom and Dad coming back?
+Bored, are ya? Lisa, go cut me a switch.
+Oh, there's gotta be something to do around here. Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today?
+Nope, everybody's paid up.
+What a weird looking vacuum cleaner.
+What are you, simple? That's my old mine detector from the war.
+It was my job to clear the roads of enemy explosives.
+And that's how I earned the Iron Cross.
+Can we borrow this, Grampa?
+Sure, she still works.
+That's my brass knee... Steel hip... That one's news to me.
+When you think about it, mud is nothing but wet dirt.
+Hope that farmhouse has a phone.
+Quick, the barn!
+Safe at last.
+Shhh. We're trespassing. And some of these farmers have pitchforks.
+Hey, Theresa! Steve! Now, who let you out?
+Ahh, looks like we got us some intruders.
+Who's in there?!
+If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass-forkin'.
+Huh. Well, maybe they're in the media room.
+That was close!
+Very close...
+Ohhh. My hero.
+At your service, milady.
+Cara mia...
+Hey, public display.
+Yeah, what's with the love thang?
+Well, let's just say the country air did us good.
+Bart, I told you not to leave that TV on.
+Ooo... / Uh-oh...
+What are we looking for, anyway?
+Pirate booty. What else?
+Arr, now we bury the treasure.
+Uh, Captain? Captain? I-I know we usually bury the treasure... but what if this time we use it to buy things? You know, uh, things we like.
+No, no, honey. Maybe this will help.
+Arr, we'll dig up the treasure in seven yar. I've drawn a map on this cracker, which Polly will hold for safe keepin'.
+So you see, there's treasure everywhere.
+Okay, here's the deal. Crowns and doubloons are mine. Snuff boxes and cameos are yours. Now as for wands and scepters...
+It's a bottle cap.
+Jewel-encrusted?
+Hey Homer, see ya at Moe's?
+He put new electrical tape on the cushions.
+Sorry, guys. Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed and breakfast.
+Oh, tryin' to jumpstart the old marriage, huh?
+Can I come?
+Nah, it'd just be awkward... what with the sex and all.
+Yeah, I always figured Marge'd be a dynamo in the sack. You know?
+Oh boy, she's got legs from here to ya-ya.
+How do you do, ma'am.
+Hope this evening finds you well.
+Oh, knock it off, you perverts.
+Now they did say bed and breakfast, right?
+Oh, isn't it romantic? Doilies and cozies as far as the eye can see.
+If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Anne's lace, I haven't found it.
+Big enough for two...
+Are you ready to rock? 'Cause heeere we go!
+Should we get started?
+Um, no time like the present.
+Hm, something's not right. Does this bed feel lumpy to you?
+Well, yeah, kinda...
+Did that butter churn just move? 'Cause if it did...
+What's wrong with us, Homer? Have we lost the spark already?
+Heyyy, look at that.
+Oh, good Lord!
+I'm so sorry. I saw everything!
+Oh, my heart's beating like crazy.
+Mine too. Just like back in that hay loft.
+Y'know, the fear of getting caught is kind of a turn-on.
+There's the dirty girl I married. Come on, I have a disgusting idea.
+Oh, it's a donkey.
+Shh! They'll hear us.
+They didn't hear us in the sewing room.
+Whoa, excellent haul!
+But it's all trash.
+Exactly. Now there's nothing left out there but treasure.
+Hello, everybody.
+Hey, you're back. Did you rock the Casbah?
+Bart! Yes.
+Do you know you have your hands in each other's pockets?
+It's okay when you're in love. And married. To the sweetest guy in the world.
+Awww... Eskimo kiss!
+You guys are sick.
+You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
+I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.
+This is it, Lis. The motherlode.
+Wow! An alternate ending to "Casablanca!" Bart, this could be priceless!
+Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?
+Not yet. Wait... wait... wait... now!
+Oh, this is so naughty. Coming back to our old love nest...
+It hasn't changed since that magical evening when I knocked you up.
+Oh, we drank so much that night.
+Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit.
+Heh, heh. Yeah.
+Well, this time I'm drunk on love... and beer.
+Here comes two!
+Louie, I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
+Look out, Rick! He's packin' heat!
+Good work, Sam. C'mon, I'll buy you a falafel.
+Not so fast, Schmartenheimer.
+Hope you don't mind my "dropping in."
+Not at all, Sweet Cakes. You know what to do, Sam.
+Unbelievable.
+I'll say. Wasn't it great? And the question mark leaves the door open for a sequel.
+I've seen that movie ten times and I never get tired of that ending.
+Ay yay, yay. Where did you get this, you shrunken old hag, ya?
+I'm just a little girl.
+Ah, my studio produced "Casablanca," all right. We tried to tack that happy ending on the picture 'cause back then, well, studio execs we were, we were just dopes in suits. Not like today.
+What are you talking about? I loved it.
+Ah, you're a sweet old gent to say that.
+This should be in a museum.
+Look, I tell you what, I'll give you twenty bucks to bury this thing again.
+This one too.
+Now, the secret to the windmill hole is to--
+Not hit the blades?
+Hmm. That's odd. It didn't come out the rear end.
+Rod, you've got small, girlish hands. Reach in and fish it out.
+Homer, a hand!
+Daddy, something attacked me!
+Oh, now Roddy, it's just a stuck ball. I'll get it.
+Truant ball, eh? I'll help you.
+Oh, quit showing off, Seymour. I'll get it.
+Hm, maybe there is something in there.
+Feels like a Hefty Bag full of meat.
+We're trapped!
+Oh, why can't they just play through?
+Well, something's in there all right.
+Maybe it's presents for all of us.
+Well, could be anything. Smells like a bear.
+Who cares what it is? Let's monoxide it.
+Ohh, why are people always trying to kill me?
+We have to get out of here!
+It was people. People soiled our green!
+And now they're out there somewhere. Naked as the day God made them!
+Boy, I tell you, they only come out at night. Or, in this case, uh, the daytime.
+You've got to catch them!
+Think of the children! Won't somebody please think of the children?!
+All right, all right.
+Here you go, boy. Get the scent.
+YIPE! YIPE! YIPE!
+'At's a shame. He had one day left till retirement.
+Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.
+We've gotta get home before someone sees us.
+Y'know, all this danger is kind of a turn--
+Gil! Thank God it's you. You gotta help us.
+Honey, my shoulders are separating.
+Well, that's what I'm here for. I mean, you're young, successful, you're naked. You want a car with a radio, right? You kids like music, right? Huh?
+Da da da. Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha.
+Wait, don't go! Aw, no. Not today, not to Gil. I could taste that sale. I was in the zone!
+All right, men, those nudies are here somewhere. Fan out.
+Oh, we're surrounded, Marge. Maybe we should give ourselves up.
+But think of the scandal.
+Yeah, the British tabloids will have a field day. There's only one thing left to do.
+Grab onto the handles, Marge.
+Got 'em.
+Aw, they stole the balloon. I been living in there! Well, y-you know. J-Just till things pick up.
+Oh Lord, my hot plate. I only had two payments left.
+Okay, I think I've figured this thing out. It can go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time.
+Clothes! We're saved!
+These have pleats...
+Just grab 'em!
+I'm okay, honey. Now listen very carefully. I want you to pull on the thing that's near the other thing.
+You mean this thing?
+No, that was not the thing.
+Now let us thank the Lord for this magnificent crystal cathedral which allows us to look out upon His wondrous creation.
+Now quickly gaze down at God's fabulous parquet floor.
+Quickly, quickly. Eyes on the floor. Still the floor. Always on God's floor.
+Hang on, Homie. I'm gonna try to set her down.
+Thank you...
+Wow, a lot of people have pools.
+Okay, okay. Here we go.
+Dear Lord, look at that blimp. He's hanging from a balloon.
+Marge, uh, can we not land here?... Honey?... Baby doll...?
+No good!
+Don't blame me!
+Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer.
+Oh, it would have to be Camera Day.
+I don't want you reading those awful scandal sheets.
+Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column.
+He's great! He pokes fun at life's little foibles.
+Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. Y'see, sometimes Moms and Dads get a little... well, accustomed to each other.
+Dads especially!
+So they need to explore new ways to express their love.
+Scary ways. But we never intended it to end like that. With thousands of people staring at our naked bodies.
+All those eyes, just leering and leering at us.
+Who's in the mood for miniature golf?
+They're gonna to feel so silly when they realize they forgot us.
+Look, Dad, they've got every kind of paper! Looseleaf, graph, unlined, college-ruled!
+Can't you just write on your arm like I do?
+All you're getting is rubber bands and paper clips? Don't you need a notebook or something?
+Nah. These days everything's done on computers.
+And staplers. Computers and staplers.
+Krusty's Speak and Say?
+"S" is for "shiksa". S... H... I... I think there's a "T" in there somewhere. Ah, look it up.
+Lisa! Stay cool, Milly...
+Oh, hi, Lisa. Did you have a nice summer? Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow?
+I like school.
+Me, too. We have so much in common.
+You have a pen glued to your cowlick.
+If you don't like it, it's gone.
+Uh, you want this?
+Yo, Apu, gimme the usual.
+Yes, sir! One Kwik-E-Dog, one bubble gum cigar, and the latest issue of "Success" magazine.
+Hey, this hot dog tastes different.
+Yes, I just cleaned out the machine, sir, so the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.
+Uh, yeah, but without the grease all you can taste is the hog anus.
+I'm so sorry, but I sold it all to the rendering plant.
+People buy grease?
+Oh yes. They use it to make products such as soap, cosmetics, baby food...
+Used grease is worth money? Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold. I'm rich, Apu! Rich, I--!
+Money in the bank.
+Okay, this bacon's done.
+And now for the profit taking.
+Uh, Dad, I don't think the dog can handle any more bacon.
+Looks like he's about ready for another squeezin'.
+Homer, that side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight.
+Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
+With cans of grease?
+No, through savings and wise investments. Of course with grease!
+Come on, Bart. The bus is here.
+Where do you think you're goin'?
+It's the first day of school.
+Not for you it isn't. You're in the grease business now.
+...Then the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy. And that's why it was the best summer ever.
+Thank you, Ralph. Now take your seat.
+Hey blindie, have a nice trip.
+Haw haw.
+Attention, please. I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
+Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's? Thank you, Lisa.
+We have a new student, Lisa. And I want you to show her the works. The lunchroom, the tree...
+But when you get to the trophy case, give her some cock 'n bull story. They're out for cleaning, or whatever.
+Don't worry, I'll help her out. I remember how hard it was to be an outsider. Always trying to fit in... never quite feeling like...
+Lisa, I'd like you to meet Alex Whitney.
+Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!
+Did she just tell me to shut up?
+Take it outside.
+You'll want a locker in this hallway -- it's library-adjacent.
+Is that perfume?
+Don't be such a Phoebe. It's "Pretension" by Calvin Klein. Wanna try some?
+Okay, so what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys like do for fun?
+Well, you'll definitely want to get yourself a good doll. The new Malibu Stacy has an achievable chest.
+Dolls, really? Okay, what else ya got?
+Oh, jacks. Jacks are big. They went out for a while, but then they came roaring back.
+You mean that game with the little rubber ball?
+Oh, don't worry, you'll pick it up fast. Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone.
+Uh-huh...
+Isn't a trophy case supposed to have... trophies?
+Uh, they were... all wiped out in the big trophy fire.
+Ah, I see the trophies are still out for cleaning. Eh, Lisa?
+Okay, boy, this is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off.
+Four pounds of grease... that comes tooo... sixty-three cents.
+Woo hoo!
+Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars.
+Yeah, but your Mom paid for that.
+But doesn't she get her money from you?
+And I get my money from grease. What's the problem?
+Wow, look at that load of grease. Boy, if we're ever gonna earn paper money, we have to expand our operation.
+Um, I don't know how much more school I can miss.
+Oh, you'll miss plenty. I have a feeling this business is going to consume our whole lives.
+Alex! Over here! Okay if the new girl sits with us?
+/ I guess. / Yeah, I guess.
+She's a little weird, but let's give her a chance.
+Guys, this is Alex.
+Hi, there. / Hi. / Hello.
+Ooo, twins! Which one is the evil one?
+Okay, I'll go get our lunches.
+So, Alex, uh...?
+Just a sec.
+Hello? Oh yeah, like I'd be seen with a Discover card.
+You have a cell phone?
+And a purse?
+That's it, don't be shy...
+Now maybe a little joke, to break the ice.
+Or a big joke.
+Careful, now. Nobody likes a showoff.
+Where are they going?
+Hey, wait up!
+They left without me.
+Oh, Lisa...
+I've got an extra seat, and you've got an extra lunch... Catch my drift?
+Milhouse, lower those eyebrows! And the other one.
+So, there I am being nice to Alex, and she takes all of my friends and ditches me.
+I'm sure they didn't "ditch" you, honey. Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you.
+Oh, yeah. Good one, Mom.
+They only like her 'cause she acts so grown up, with her perfume and her cell phone and... Oh, and get this, Mom, she drinks iced tea.
+Li-sa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you. But apparently this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
+But, Dad...
+Uh-uh, think. Is that what Alex would say?
+Ooo, there you are! Listen, I'm sorry I ran out on you yesterday, but the girls couldn't wait to show me that tree.
+Hm, don't give it a second thought. I didn't.
+Anyway, I got you a little present.
+Oh, earrings! Wow, thank you so much, Alex. But these are for pierced ears.
+Yeah. Aren't they great?
+Alex did ours.
+Yeah, all you need is a thumb tack and a whole lot of paper towels.
+But I don't think I'm ready for pierced ears.
+Well, maybe you can put them on your doll.
+Just kidding, Lis. I'm sure you'll be ready someday.
+Oh, Lisa, I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple-pick.
+Absolutely.
+Apple-pick?
+Yeah, it's great. We have pony rides, sing-alongs, apple-bobbing, apple-picking, apple everything.
+Uh, you forgot apple-bobbing.
+No, I didn't.
+Didn't your old school have apple-picks?
+No, we weren't big on fruit. We were more into like, dances. You know, things that are fun.
+A dance? Great idea, Alex!
+Yeah! Principal Skinner, can we have a dance instead?
+Well, uh, we've never had a dance before. Lisa, you'd be doing all the work. What do you think?
+Um, I don't know. The ponies might be startled by the loud music.
+Well, there wouldn't be ponies.
+Oh, then, at the risk of being unpopular, I think I'm gonna have to say...
+School dance?! I didn't approve any school dance!
+Yes, you did! Yesterday. Right by my locker.
+Oh, yes, yes. Uh, carry on.
+When you want grease, go to the source: good old Krusty Burger.
+Oh I'll say. Look at that redheaded kid. There must be twenty dollars' worth of grease on his forehead alone.
+I was thinking more of the deep fryer.
+All right. We'll try it your way.
+Can I help you, sir?
+My God, you're greasy.
+Mr. Maruca ? Help!
+Mom's gonna kill you.
+If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys.
+Hey, what the...?
+Hey, hey, you're taking our grease!
+It's our grease now.
+We run the grease racket in this town.
+Hey, that's my shovel.
+We also run the shovel racket.
+Okay, girls, we're gonna need balloons, crepe paper, party hats...
+Whoaaa, you've got a "Dingo Junction" here?
+I am not wearing this.
+Oh, come on, Lisa. It's totally you. Just, you know, add some accessories, lip gloss, and maybe drop five pounds...
+Aren't we a little young for makeup and... What do you mean, five pounds?
+Well, you wanna look nice for your date.
+Hel-lo? For the dance.
+You guys have dates?
+Hel-lo?
+Stop saying hello!
+Okay, calm down, Lisa. D.M.Y.
+What's "D.M.Y."?
+Don't Mess Yourself.
+Yeah, that's why we changed it to D.M.Y.
+Don't worry, Lisa. There's still plenty of time. You'll get a date.
+I don't want a date! And I don't want to wear perfume and cocktail dresses! Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch, and bake cookies, and watch "The McLaughlin Group?"
+Hel-lo?
+Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business. I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done, including my muscle-for-hire business.
+My poor Homie. Couldn't you try some other far-out money-making scheme?
+Oh, what's the point?
+You could raise some emus...
+You're taking me! You got that?! And it's gonna be a magical evening!
+Emus? Really? Oh, that's pretty crazy... Nah... I'd only fail just like I fail at everything.
+Hey, Dad, I've been thinking. What if instead of giving up on grease, we go for one last big score?
+Wait a minute. The boy's right! I can't quit now. Aww, you always know just what to say to cheer me up. Emu farm... You're priceless, Marge.
+The thing about huckleberries is, once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.
+Uh, uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass.
+Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner's sugar.
+Oh. / Good secret. / Yeah.
+Hey, guys.
+Hi, Lisa.
+Are you all right?
+No doubt! Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance?
+Your earlobe's bleeding.
+Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh?
+You'd better believe it.
+Really? All of you?
+Ahh, we all have dates, Lisa.
+Everyone does.
+Even me.
+Unbelievable!
+Another wedgie?
+Uh-huh.
+Hang on. I'll get my forceps.
+Oh, hurry.
+Milhouse! I've been lookin' all over for you! Listen, you've always had a crush on me, right? Well, this is your lucky day, 'cause you're gonna take me to the dance. Pretty great, huh? See ya.
+But I can't. I already asked somebody.
+So un-ask her.
+But that wouldn't be...
+Ah. What am I doing? This isn't me. I'm sorry, Milhouse.
+I'm free next weekend! There's plenty of Milhouse to go around.
+All right, son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer.
+Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that. But if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
+Dad, he's not stupid.
+All right, screw it. Let's roll.
+Mmm... I knew I should have attached those somehow.
+Lucky parameciums.
+You don't have to worry about finding dates or dancing.
+Lisa...
+I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance. It's a little thick, but the price is right.
+Thanks, Mom. But I told you, I'm not going.
+Ohh, so you don't have a date. You can still go and have a wonderful time.
+You don't understand. I don't belong there. The other girls are already into fashion and make-up and dating. They make me feel like a little baby.
+Oh, honey. A baby couldn't have organized a big school dance. Unless it was especially skilled. Or one of those super-babies from Brazil.
+Forget it, Mom. I'm not going.
+But they're counting on you to take tickets. And if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow, why, you could be the belle of the ball.
+Mom, you can't possibly believe that.
+I have to, honey. Or... you can stay here and we'll have our own dance. "Every Simpson dance now! Bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp!"
+I'll go.
+This better work, boy. I don't wanna wind up workin' on your mother's emu farm.
+Don't worry. This is the score we've been dreamin' about. The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied.
+Okay, turn on the suction.
+It's not working.
+What is it?
+Uh, nothing.
+Enjoy the dance.
+Wow, Lisa. I really admire your guts. You came here all by yourself, at the risk of being labeled a dateless wonder.
+It slipped.
+Ah, it's gonna be a long night.
+Where's the hose?
+Bringin' up the rear.
+Are you as excited as I am?
+Oh, yeah.
+Well, here goes...
+And now we wait. So... is this your school?
+Well, it used to be.
+Eek! -- I mean, ach! -- I mean, what are you doing here?
+Uhhhh... we're, uh, new foreign exchange students from, uh... um... Scotland.
+Saints be praised! I'm from Scotland! Where do ye hail from?
+Uhh... North... Kilt... town?
+No foolin'?! I'm from North Kilt-town! Do you know Angus MacCloud?
+Wait a minute, there's no Angus MacCloud in North Kilt-town. Why you're not from Scotland at all!
+Ah, don't be daft. I was born and rai-- Hey, what the--?
+My retirement grease! Noooo!
+Ya thievin' grease bandits! I'll kill ya! Wait up!
+Not so fast, boy-o. Well, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. But the lads have a temper... and they've been drinkin' all day.
+Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!
+All right, fine, I'll strangle ya for a while.
+Lisa, I have to run home. I need you to keep an eye on the dance.
+Oh, I don't want to go in there with all the happy dancing couples.
+Normally I wouldn't ask, but it's an emergency. Mother has a Junebug cornered in the basement and she needs me to finish it off. C'mon, chop chop.
+All right, all right. D.M.Y.
+I know what that means, young lady.
+Oh, Lisa, it's terrible! Okay, this dance has gone Titanic!
+What happened?
+Well, the boys and girls are like, afraid of each other. They're acting like a bunch of...
+I know. What is up with that?
+It's because they are kids. And so are we. C'mon, Alex, we've only got nine, maybe ten years tops where we can giggle in church, and chew with our mouths open, and go days without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again.
+Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card. So on you!
+Uh... guys? Guys? The hose.
+Bart, please. The groundskeeper and I are trying to settle this like adults.
+Look, it's snowing!
+Wow, the snowflake tastes like fish sticks.
+It's like a hamburger milkshake!
+Here comes a grease ball!
+Hey, Luigi bringa you kids free pizza. Why you have to maka da fun, huh?
+That's my grease! It's mine! Give it here!
+They're playing in grease? Yarrgh!
+Oh, act your age.
+You are so dead.
+Ow, there was bacon in that!
+Hey, Springfield, if you're driving, you may want to sit down.
+Uh-oh! Because it's time for Bill and Marty's Five O'clock News Flush!
+Ohhh, yeahhh.
+Our topless story... President Clinton has launched a new website.
+Uh-oh. Wait, let me guess. W-W-W dot dot ?!
+Website.
+O-kay, here's another news flush.
+Ohhh, yeahhh.
+Doctors say the life expectancy of the average man is now seventy-six point two years.
+Seventy-six point two?! But I'm already thirty-eight point one! I've wasted half my life!
+Ohhh, yeahhh.
+Half my life gone! And I'm only guaranteed thirty-eight more years.
+Marge! I've wasted half my life.
+Sir, do you need a tow truck?
+What are you talking about, Marge? I don't need a...
+Okay, send the truck.
+Oh, honey, don't eat that. Wouldn't you rather have your sugar bag?
+No, I don't deserve sugar. I'm halfway to my grave, and I haven't accomplished anything. Oh, I am not looking forward to my funeral.
+No, Homer wasn't a great man, or even an adequate man -- and he certainly never accomplished anything. Uh-- President Lenny, you have anything to say?
+All right. Fair enough. Toss him in the hole, boys.
+There goes a real sack of crap.
+Indubitably, old chum.
+Marge, no matter what happens in the future, promise me you won't vote for Lenny.
+Okay, but you've accomplished a lot. You've made me very happy.
+Oh yeah, they'll put me on a stamp for that.
+I've wasted half my life, Marge. Do you know how many memories I have? Three! Standing in line for a movie, having a key made, and sitting here talking to you. Thirty-eight years and that's all I have to show for it.
+You're thirty-nine.
+Hi, Dad. How was work?
+Come on, let's get you into your favorite shirt.
+Surprise!
+Oh. I see you're having a party. I'll come back later.
+You can't come back later because...
+Homer Simpson, welcome to your life!
+Homer Simpson, welcome to your life!
+The kids and I want to show you all the great things you've done.
+Oh, all right. Maybe I can pinpoint where my life went wrong.
+Quiet, Dad, or we'll have to throw you outta here.
+The pictures... they're coming... alive!
+There you are in outer space. That's pretty impressive.
+All we did was grow some space tomatoes and sabotage Mir.
+Remember when you almost became heavyweight champ?
+Finish him! Finish him!
+Well, there's certainly no greater accomplishment than fathering three beautiful children.
+Oh, I shoulda punted. Turn it off! Turn it off!
+Hang on, Dad, this next part'll definitely make you feel better about yourself.
+Hello, Homer, it's me, KITT from TV's "Knight Rider."
+Your family has asked me to take time out from my busy schedule to invite you to a very speciallll...
+Stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things anyway? Was it you, Bart?
+It was Thomas Edison, Dad.
+I thought he invented the light bulb.
+That, too. He also invented the phonograph, the microphone, and the electric car.
+No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.
+Finish her! Finish her!
+It's true. I read it on a place mat at a restaurant.
+Really? A restaurant? Well, now I don't know what to think.
+Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
+Top of the world, ma!
+Cut it out, boy!
+Dad? What are you doin' here?
+Reading about this Edison character. They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some unpleasantness. I can never go back.
+Ooh, look at all the inventions Edison came up with. The stock ticker, the storage battery, even wax paper. And look at him dance.
+De de de de de.
+That's great, Dad.
+And these Hardy Boys books are great, too. This one is about smugglers.
+They're all about smugglers.
+No, not this one. "The Smugglers of Pirate Cove." It's about pirates.
+Excuse me, are you a student at this school?
+I think it's pretty obvious that I am.
+Go school!
+So this broad stands up... in the ocean and this big wave knocks her bathing suit off.
+Ooh. Yeah. And then what happened? Omit no detail, no matter how small or filthy.
+So anyway -- and this is the part you'll remember for the rest of your lives...
+That doesn't sound like me. Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out you can always go back to the plant.
+Not the way I quit. Ooh-who.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, great story, Lenny. But here's one that's even more spellbinding. Once upon a time there was a man named Thomas Edison. And he invented the dictating machine and the fluoroscope and the repeating telegraph...
+... And he was a firm believer in Fletcherism, and he played the organ, and his favorite flower was the heliotrope -- oh, and his middle name was Alva. And he never, ever, ever wore pajamas. And...
+Okay, I think we've been polite long enough here. Lenny, what happened with the dame and the bathing suit?
+Huh? Oh... uh... oh, nuts. I forgot. All I can think of now is Edison. I can't even remember where I work.
+Well, I remember where Edison worked. It was Menlo Park. That's where he came up with the tasimeter, the ore separator and...
+Uh, James Watt invented the steam engine.
+That's boring. You're boring everybody. Quit boring everyone!
+... And then he worked on a machine to communicate with the dead. Some kind of scary telephone I guess. Or maybe he planned to just stick his head under the ground and yell.
+All right, already! Everyone knows the man accomplished a lot. Maybe because he didn't spend every waking moment talking about Thomas Edison!
+Ohh, that's where you're wrong, Marge. He was a shameless self-promoter.
+Well, you're not Thomas Edison.
+Marge, that's it! That's why I haven't done anything with my life! I need to be more like Thomas Edison!
+Whatever.
+And I'm starting right now. No more lousy pajamas!
+From this day forward, I am an inventor!
+Do us a favor. Invent yourself some underpants.
+Well, I quit my job just like you said to.
+I didn't tell you to quit your job.
+Yes, you did. I remember your exact words. You said I should quit my job and become an inventor or you'd torch the house.
+I'll get you, you fat lunatic!
+At my age Edison had already invented 203 things. Ohh, I've got a lot of work to do to catch up to him.
+Let's see now... inventions... inventions...
+Something electrical might be good.
+What? Eh. Eh. Let me handle the creative end of this, Marge. You don't understand how the creative mind works like I do.
+You look at this table and what do you see? Just a table. Now, a creative person, like me, looks at this table and sees all kinds of creative things -- but no tables.
+Homer, that's not a table, that's our dryer.
+My files!
+Uh, this isn't working. I've got to try a different approach.
+You've started smoking, Dad?
+Yes. Thomas Edison smoked several cigars a day.
+Yeah. He invented stuff, too.
+Shutup.
+As long as you're here annoying me, let's have a brainstorming session. Now, here's how it works: Lisa, you say one thing, then Bart, you say another. Just toss out things and I'll use my inventive mind to combine them into a brilliant original idea.
+Okay. Umm... automatic...
+Fluorescent...
+Booger.
+Uh-huh.
+A-- Wait a minute! These aren't exciting new products! You're not even trying. Okay, that's it. Both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves.
+Lazy father...
+Can't even spank his own kids...
+Homer! You can't punish the children just because you can't come up with an idea.
+I don't see why not. They're my kids. I own 'em.
+Okay, we own 'em.
+What happened? You didn't fall.
+Hm. I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.
+Ohhh, it's no use. I can't work like this, cut off from the scientific community.
+You stay here and guard the sandwich.
+And these should give you the grounding you'll need in thermodynamics, hyper-mathematics, and of course microcalifragilistics.
+Look, I just want to know how to invent things. Tell me.
+Well, all you have to do is think of things that people need, but which don't exist yet.
+You mean like an electric blanketmobile?
+Possibleh. Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it, like--
+Hamburger earmuffs!
+Uh, well, well... I suppose that... would... qualify, uh...
+Thanks, sucker!
+All right, just stay calm, Frinkie.
+These babies'll be in the stores while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix.
+Okay, I have here the four greatest inventions in the history of mankind.
+First, my All-Purpose Electric Hammer. "For all your pounding needs."
+Probably needs to be more powerful.
+I will buy ten of those right now.
+Now, here's my "Everything's Okay" Alarm.
+This will sound every three seconds unless something isn't okay.
+Turn it off, Homer.
+It can't be turned off.
+But it does break easily. Now this next one's for the ladies. How many times have you gals been late for a high-powered business meeting, only to realize you're not wearing makeup?
+That's every woman's nightmare.
+That's why I invented this revolutionary makeup gun. It's for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get ready. Close your eyes, Marge.
+And now you're ready for a night on the town.
+Homer, you've got it set on "Whore."
+Eh. Oh. Okay, this time try to keep your nostrils closed.
+Oh, look what you did. Now I have to get my cold cream gun.
+Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
+Women will like what I tell them to like. Now here's something for everyone.
+In the olden times, if you were watching TV and nature called, you'd have to get up and walk to the bathroom. It was the hardest thing in the world to do. But now, with the Lazy Man Reclining Toilet Chair, you can just lean back and let 'er rip.
+You expect people to go to the bathroom in their living rooms?
+Sure! Believe me, every man in America will want to have one.
+Gangway! Gotta poop.
+No, Bart. Homer... all these inventions, they're...
+They're not very...
+Yes? Yes? Yes?
+They're terrible.
+I'm not saying you're a bad inventor. I'm just saying these particular inventions are awful, and no one in their right mind would buy them. Or accept them as gifts.
+But this is the best I could do. I guess I'm no better at being Thomas Edison than I was at being Homer Simpson.
+Oh, dear. I hope I wasn't too rough on him.
+Somebody had to tell him, Mom. In the long run, it's much kinder to--
+Do you mind?
+All week, my life long dream was to be the next Thomas Edison, but now it's over. I guess I'll just give up my hopes and dreams and settle for being a decent husband and father.
+Homer! / Dad! / Look out!
+Oh, that. I stuck a couple of extra legs on there 'cause I kept tipping over when I was trying to invent stuff.
+They're on hinges. That's really ingenious, Dad.
+It could save lives!
+Really? You think it's a good idea?
+Oh yeah, safety sells. Especially to lame-o's.
+I'd buy one.
+Me, too!
+I did it! I'm gonna be rich!
+Look, Mr. Edison, I did it. I'm an inventor! And I owe it all to you.
+See? It's just a regular chair, but I attached a couple of extra legs to the back... kinda like the ones on the back of your...
+AWDAMMIT!
+Hey, Dad, heard you swearing. Mind if I join in? Crap. Boobs. Crap.
+I thought I had a great idea, but I must've seen it on this poster.
+If Edison thought of that chair, how come it's not on this chart?
+It's not? Maybe he never told anyone about it.
+That chair might be the only one he made.
+So, we've got to go to the Edison Museum and smash it! Then I'll be an inventor!
+But I thought you loved Edison.
+Aw, to hell with him!
+Yeah! Hell, damn, fart!
+Taking-Bart-across-state-lines-Back-soon.
+I borrowed your wallet!
+Oh, I just mopped that driveway.
+Man, I can't wait to smash that chair.
+Oh, son, you're young and headstrong, just like Thomas Edison, Jr. You know, he started a mushroom farm, and an auto parts company, and he sold his good name to a quack medicine company. Oh, and later, he raised turkeys. That was on his turkey farm.
+Stop, Homer!
+By smashing my chair, you're only hurting yourself!
+All right! The museum's still open.
+Why don't you like Edison that much?
+Hey, folks, do you like riddles?
+O-Okay, then. How many geniuses does it take to invent a light bulb?
+Just one. Thomas Edison.
+That's very good.
+And it's true too. It's funny and true.
+Now, behind that door, is Edison's actual preserved brain...
+Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it... And of course, today will be no exception.
+Now, no tour would be complete without a visit to Edison's boyhood gift shop.
+Ohh! / Well, now that I'd like to see. / Yes.
+Now let's take care of business.
+Outta the way. This is one invention you're not getting credit for, you inspiration hog!
+Your electric hammer, maestro?
+Invent your way out of this, Edison.
+Look, son. Edison was just like me.
+You mean the wild mood swings?
+No! We both lived in another man's shadow. This old-timey nerd and I have suffered the same frustration and heartache.
+We're not rivals. We're just a couple of dreamers who set the bar a little too high. I can't destroy your work, my friend.
+No, but we'll stop off at the da Vinci Museum on the way home...
+Uh, I think that's in Italy, Dad.
+Oh. Well then, we'll take it out on Eli Whitney.
+Yay! / All right! / Woo-hoo! /
+...Authorities say the phony Pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth. In other news, Thomas Edison, the greatest inventor of all time...is apparently still inventing, despite the notable handicap of being dead.
+That's my Tommy.
+Two new Edison creations have just been discovered in his museum: A six-legged chair that won't tip over...
+And even more astounding, an electric hammer!
+That was your idea!
+This brilliant innovation is expected to generate millions for Edison's already wealthy heirs.
+Dad, those should be your millions.
+I gotta admit, Homer. You're taking this pretty well.
+Let's just say I'm sitting in the right chair.
+Mail call! Gather 'round, everyone!
+All right. One for "resident"...
+That's me!
+Well, that's it.
+One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather 'round like that?
+I needed my power fix.
+Hey, listen to this!
+Congratulations. Your child or children have been selected to appear in Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students.
+Please submit their names along with ninety-five dollars for each handsome volume you wish to order.
+Oh, I've never been so proud. You both deserve a big, big reward!
+Mom, they put every kid in America in that book, just so gullible parents will buy it. It's all a big scam.
+Shut up.
+Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from two towns over.
+Yeah, Lis. She is a smart, sophisticated woman. Now let's hear more about that big, big reward.
+Yeah, quit stalling, Marge. We want our reward.
+One reward coming up. Ta-da!
+Man, it feels good to get out of that car. Ooo, go-carts! C'mon everybody, let's go.
+Look at me, Bart! I'm driving!
+We're all proud of you, Dad.
+Move it, poky.
+Slow and steady wins the race.
+Easy, easy. Stick with the plan.
+Oh, are you all right, man?
+Uh... I think so.
+How 'bout now?
+Haw haw.
+That was no accident! Shame on you, Nelson.
+Cram it, ma'am.
+Stand back and watch the pro.
+Uh, shouldn't you put on a batting helmet?
+Nah. They mess up my hair.
+Ooh. Ball one.
+Ball two. This Bozo's gonna walk me.
+You're going down, you--
+Oh! Oh! Why you-- Hey you-- You better-- I'm gonna-- If you k--
+Hang in there, Dad! Just half a basket left!
+Wow, you sure get a lot of balls for a quarter.
+Yes! A Maggie-oop!
+Hey, that's cheating.
+Okay, what can I get for twelve, count 'em, twelve prize tickets?
+Two thumbtacks and a mustache comb, or five rubber bands and an ice cube.
+What can I get for eight thousand tickets?
+A BB-gun, or an Easy Bake Oven.
+Hmm, hot food is tempting... but I just can't say no to a weapon.
+Whoa, can I try that some time?
+Yeah, sure. Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.
+Wow, thanks, Nelson! I'll come by your house later --
+Oh, no you won't.
+You stay away from Nelson Muntz.
+But, Mom --
+Nelson's a troubled, lonely, sad little boy. He needs to be isolated from everyone.
+But, Mom --
+That's all I got.
+So what prize did you end up getting?
+Mustache comb. What'd you get?
+Fake mustache.
+Wanna comb it?
+This sucks. It's time to punch outta this yawn factory. I'm going to Nelson's.
+But Mom said not to!
+She doesn't scare me. I do what I want, when I want. Oh God, inchworms!
+Won't you get in trouble if your Mom sees you doing that?
+Nah, my Mom's got bigger problems. She doesn't give a crap what I do.
+Wow, you are so lucky.
+C'mon, let's lock and load.
+You're not going out without a scarf, are ya?
+Eh, I don't need one.
+Hmm, it's your health.
+Think I can hit that bottle?
+Yeah, probably.
+Shows what you know. Hey, check this out.
+That's my Dad's shootin' car. Just three more payments, and it's ours.
+Oh, cool. Can I get a shot now?
+Hang on. First, how 'bout I try and peg you in the stomach?
+Mmm. No, thanks.
+Or what about you put on these nerd glasses and I shoot 'em off?
+No way. C'mon, quit hoggin' the gun.
+Bet you can't hit that bird from here.
+Are you crazy? I don't wanna shoot a stupid bird.
+That's 'cuz you know you can't. You're not a superstud like me.
+Am too.
+Are not. You're an octo-wussy. Ohh, look at me. I'm Bart Simpson. I'm scared to use a gun. I want to marry Milhouse. I walk around like this. La la la la la la la...
+Hey, quit it!
+Oh my God...
+Whoa-oa, major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight!
+Crooked sight?
+You are one cold-blooded killer, dude!
+But, but I wasn't... I didn't...
+Right through the neck! Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson. Savor the moment.
+I rolled up all the socks.
+What's next?
+While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket?
+All right.
+I hate folding sheets.
+That's your underwear.
+Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
+He's up in his room. Bart?
+It's okay, Marge. I'll get him. BA-ART!
+What the heck's going on?
+We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he, anyway?
+Bart? Uhh, he went to play with a friend.
+He didn't go to Nelson's, did he?
+No, no. I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse.
+MILHOUSE!
+TELL BART TO COME HOME!
+I think he's at Nelson's!
+WHO'S NELSON?
+Nelson?! I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster. Ooo, Bart is in deep, deep trouble.
+Oh, yes. And punish Lisa for lying to us.
+All right, young lady. I want you to march yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.
+Better.
+And get a little something for yourself, sweetheart.
+Should we bury it, or chuck it into a car full of girls?
+Hey, leave it alone.
+Okay, okay. Don't kill me, killer.
+Don't call me that!
+Relax, Simpson. It was either him or you. No court would convict you.
+Bart Simpson, do you know why you've been summoned before this tribunal?
+Yes, sir. Because I killed an innocent bird.
+Dear Lord! We just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor!
+We're knee-deep in our own droppings. It's disgusting.
+But since you've confessed to bird-slaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off!
+No! Not the face!
+Ow! What are you doing?
+I got bored, so I started slapping you.
+Young man, you're coming home with me this minute.
+All right! Finally, a real home.
+Not you. Bart.
+Oh. See ya later, killer.
+Killer? Why did he call you killer?
+Mom, you were right. Nelson is bad news. Can we go home?
+What are you hiding there?
+Nothing.
+What are those cats doing behind you?
+Uh, cats like me.
+Get off, get off!
+Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?
+I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left --
+You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?
+I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.
+What's the point, Bart? I punish and I punish and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You want to play with little hoodlums? Fine. Have fun killing things.
+Mom, wait...
+Oh, my God.
+Hi, little eggs. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... Y-Your mom was involved in an incident. Mistakes were made. By me. But don't worry, I'll take care of you.
+Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs: Eww," and "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory."
+In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the Blue Jay.
+Valuing her eggs above even her own life, the mother bird bravely fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose.
+Of course, one thing mother Blue Jay can't defend against is a set of steel tongs.
+Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a 75-watt bulb.
+Oh, hello. In a few days, our eggs will hatch into nestlings, like these over here.
+They look awfully hungry, Mr. McClure.
+They sure are, Billy. In nature, their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat.
+That's gross.
+It sure is, Billy. It sure is.
+You've checked this Bible out every weekend for the last nine years. Wouldn't it be easier to just buy one?
+Perhaps on a librarian's salary.
+Hey, fellas, good news. I found an extra 75-watt bulb lyin' around.
+Check it out, guys. I've been working on this regurgitation thing.
+Oh, yeah. Hope you like PopTarts.
+I think I'll call you Chirpy Boy, and you Bart Junior. And you can call me Mother. No, wait, that sounds kinda fruity. Just call me Mom.
+Mmm. What do you think he's doing up there?
+I'unno. Drug lab?
+Drug lab?!
+Or reading comic books. What am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing.
+I don't know, and I don't want to know. And I'm going to find out!
+Oh, my good, gray extension cord.
+Oh, no!
+I've gotta keep these warm.
+Bart, stop whatever you're doing and come down here.
+Can't right now. Come back later.
+Oh, I'll come back later.
+How's this for later?!
+Mom, listen--
+Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time?
+That bird I killed was their mother. I don't want her babies to die, too.
+Ohhh, oh, honey. Oh, come here.
+Oh my goodness! Look!
+Oh, man. This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Haley's Comet collided with the moon!
+That never happened, Dad.
+Sure it didn't.
+Is the nest still warm enough, Mom?
+Hmm... it's starting to cool down. I'll bake another pie.
+Ooo, how 'bout cherry this time? And would it kill you to make some coffee?
+Why is this taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes.
+Actually, it took fifty-three hours.
+Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it?
+Everybody come quick! They're hatching!
+I see a foot!
+I see an eye!
+I see a neck!
+I see a horn!
+A horn?
+Man, those are some funky-lookin' birds.
+Aww... Ohh, you look like a little tiny dinosaur.
+That is one vicious baby bird.
+Dad, they aren't birds.
+Sure they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest. Therefore, they're birds. Ixo fatso.
+One, they don't have beaks, two, they don't have feathers, and three, they're lizards.
+You're a lizard.
+Enough bickering. I know how to settle this.
+No kickboxing!
+If anyone wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement.
+Now, uh, people, there's been some confusion about our bird-sighting rules. You cannot count birds that you've seen at the zoo, on stamps, or in dreams.
+Well, I'm back to square one.
+Hmmm. My God, a pigeon! That's the last bird on my list! Huh. So long, suckers.
+Excuse me. Can you tell us what kind of birds these are? They hatched from eggs I found in a nest.
+Good heavens! I'm very glad you brought those in, Bart.
+I'll just get those killed and you can be on your way.
+Wait! What the heck are you doing?!
+My civic duty, that's what.
+Bolivian Tree Lizard?
+Mm-hm. It's a vicious ovoraptor. It feasts on bird eggs, and lays its own eggs in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch and devour her, too.
+What a chump.
+Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
+It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the NeNe. And it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker.
+How vile.
+Well, the one thing that mystifies me is how a Bolivian lizard made it to Springfield.
+That is a puzzlement.
+Look, Skinner, we haven't got all day. Kill the horrid beasts, then do away with their lizards.
+No! Don't hurt them! I'll just keep them as pets.
+No, they might escape and breed. The law is very clear on this: they must be exterminated as quickly and as gruesomely as possible.
+Nooo! They're mine.
+I'm sure we can work this out. He's just a child. Let me talk to him.
+All right. I'll give you a moment. That will give us time to prepare for the splatter.
+Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Your lizards are banned by federal law.
+Everyone thinks they're monsters, but I raised them and I love them. I know that's hard to understand.
+Not as hard as you think.
+Run for it.
+Really?
+Okay, that's exactly one moment. It-- Oh my God, he's getting away!
+Stop him!
+Outta the way, Midge!
+Oh, am I in the way?
+Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman?
+Sorry. I didn't realize I was in the way.
+You're still in the way. You don't seem to be moving at all.
+Oh, for cryin' out loud. Just knock her ass down!
+Way to shove, Edna.
+Let us roll.
+Stupid cards.
+Guys, is it really true? Are you cold-blooded egg-murderers?
+Don't use that look on me. I invented that look.
+There he is, off in the distance!
+Okay, Bart. This is where it ends. Relinquish the lizards.
+I said relinquish!
+Oh no! You killed 'em.
+Good riddance to bad lizards.
+Whoa, look at 'em.
+Go, Chirpy Boy! Go, Bart Junior!
+Oh, nuts.
+Wow. Did you know they had those web flaps for gliding?
+Yes, but I was hoping they didn't know that.
+Well, I hope you're happy, Bart. You have no idea what kind of plague you've unleashed upon this town.
+Our top story: the population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded -- and local citizens couldn't be happier! It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon, also known as the feathered rat, or gutter bird.
+For the first time, citizens need not fear harassment by flocks of chattering disease-bags.
+For decimating our pigeon population, and making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.
+/ Yay! / Woo-hoo! / All right!
+Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
+But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
+No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese Needle Snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
+But aren't the snakes even worse?
+Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
+But then we're stuck with gorillas!
+No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.
+I'm proud of you, boy. Mmmm, loganberry.
+I don't get it, Bart. You got all upset when you killed one bird, but now you've killed tens of thousands and it doesn't bother you at all.
+Hey, you're right. I call the front seat!
+You had it on the way over!
+Hmm, good lines, nice balance. Let's see how she handles.
+Ho-ho, oh yeah, tame it, baby. Yo, ring 'er up, dude.
+You cannot smoke in here! Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
+Oh, God. You smokers disgust me. Hey 'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?
+Hands up, scuzzbag.
+No, not you. The smoking scuzzbag.
+Ho-ho, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.
+Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns...
+Hey, that was self-defense.
+Well, you'll be seeing lotsa nuns where you're going, pal: hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
+Ho-ho, you'll never make it stick, dude.
+Will too. 'Cause this place is full of witnesses: Apu... that scuzzbag Moe...
+I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you.
+And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness too. Right, Barty?
+Oh, you are soooo dead, little dude.
+Thanks a lot, Chief.
+You kids crack me up.
+Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of "When Skirts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed," it's...
+"World's Deadliest Executions!" Making his first appearance on our show, heaaarrrs... "Snake!"
+Phew, that was close.
+Boooo! / / Spark him! / Fry him! Fry his ass! / Fry him! / Plug him in! Plug him in!
+Thank you, Chickie-pies.
+The chair? How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?
+Snake played Lecross at Ball State University.
+So long, Snake. You'll never harm another person with second-hand smoke.
+Yaaaaaahrg. Duuuude.
+All right now, let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs.
+Dibs on the liver!
+Woo hoo! Marge, they found a donor! I'm saved!
+Boy, you're getting this transplant just in time, Homer.
+This is genuine human hair.
+This is legal, right?
+Yeah, sure, whatever.
+These drugs will make the operation seem like a beautiful dream.
+Ahhhhh. Hi, everybody!
+Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?
+Whoaaa, Daaad!
+Ooooh-woo! Wow. If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore.
+Later, chickie-pie.
+Ooh. Ooo-la-la Simp-son. Huh. What can I do for you and your new do?
+You sent me to the chair.
+Snake? But you're dead.
+I know you are, but what am I?
+No, no, noooooo!
+It's hammer time, Snitchy.
+That's Snake's voice!
+Uh, Bart?
+... And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
+Oh, my God!
+Oh, man!
+I can't believe it. That's horrible! Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?
+I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
+Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
+Aw, geez, Lou, how long were you gonna let me keep drinkin' this thing?
+Who'd do such a thing?
+Ah, morning, Homer. Ah, you're looking unusually focused this morning.
+Shut your squeal hole, booze jockey. I'm gonna, like, totally waste you.
+Well, somebody's a Grumpy Gus. What's--
+Ooh! Ah, for crying out loud.
+Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
+Oh my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
+It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
+I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
+Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
+Don't worry. I'll protect you... Little dude.
+There. Now no murderers can get in... or out.
+You are sooo dead.
+Come here, you little--
+Stop it! You're killing me.
+My school picture!!
+Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!
+Whoaaa!
+Of course... the transplant! Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling--
+Oh please, Lisa. Everyone's already figured that out.
+You've got to fight the hair, Dad!
+But I look so youthful and hunky.
+The kid's gotta die.
+But I love my son.
+More than a lush head of hair?
+Don't make me choose!
+Nooooo!
+I love you, son.
+I love you too, Dad.
+Get off of me.
+I'll show you, hair!
+Ow! That's my face, you idiot!
+Idiot?! Why you... little...
+... Show you...
+... I'll Kill you!
+Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa -- pasa -- Uh, just Moe, just Moe.
+It wasn't me, it was the hair!
+Freeze, hairball!
+Now that's what I call a bad hair day!
+May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.
+Bad hair day.
+Bleh! Hey hey! Tonight I'm going to suck!
+Your blood! Okay, get ready for the violent-est, disemboweling-est, vomit inducing-est Itchy and Scratchy Halloween Special ever--!
+What the--
+Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
+Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?
+Nah, it's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness.
+Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?
+Going where?
+Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy. I better take these batteries just to be sure.
+Mama took those batteries / She took 'em away / Mama took those batteries / Size double A...
+There's gotta be some batteries in here somewhere.
+Ohh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
+Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
+Trick or Treat.
+What's wrong with the TV?
+Color's screwed up.
+Whoaaa! Cool!
+Bart, quit it!
+Hey... gim... ah... ah!
+Hey Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!
+How humiliating.
+Why are you laughing?
+Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
+That's mean.
+Let's teach them a lesson.
+A cartoon axe. I love it.
+Help! Police!
+To protect and sever?
+Ooh. How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one?
+It happens.
+Hey, hey, wiggly, wiggly, Poochie's in the house!
+We're done for, Bart!
+Not if I know cartoons!
+Not now Lis, I'm trying to relax.
+Bor-ing.
+I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing!
+Reeg, there's no cilantro in it.
+Oh, for the love... this soup is outta control!
+My-my eyes! My beautiful eyes!
+Oh, that's it, I'm going home! Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
+Itchy's house. This is where we came in.
+Dad, you gotta get us out of here! Use the remote!
+Huh? Oh, okay... Let's see... "pause," "three," no "fa-fa"...
+Hurry, Homer!
+Oooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.
+Dad! Push exit!
+Lisa, look out! A skeleton!
+Hee hee hee hee. Look how cute they are.
+Look at him go.
+You're beauty-ful.
+Aww, somebody's in love.
+That means you'll have to be neutered.
+Noooooo!
+Here comes the flying saucer!
+What's wrong with stinky?
+She's teething. Look... her very first baby tooth.
+Ohh... Ahh...
+Oh, that's disgusting.
+Oh, geez!
+I just lost my appetite.
+Me too.
+Wait, mine came back.
+I know how to cheer you up.
+This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart, this little piggy went nuts, this little piggy went surfing, and this little piggy went--
+I hear all.
+Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs!
+Oh my God!
+Homer, do something! The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby!
+All right. I got it. Come on. Get... off the...
+Bad baby! Oh, she's entering the terrible twos, all right.
+It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure.
+Is there anything you can prescribe, doctor?
+Fire, and lots of it.
+Oh, that's your cure for everything.
+Poor Maggie. If only you could tell us what's happening to you.
+Commander Kang! Receiving transmission from Infant Pod 13.
+Holy phlerking schnit! What's the message?
+Larval stage completed... Standing by for orders... Experiencing terrible rash. Over.
+Ensign Kodos, set coordinates for the obscure T-shirt producing planet known as Earth. It's time I paid a visit to... MY DAUGHTER!
+We'll return with "How Dracula Got His Groove Back."
+Hello-- Oh, great. Mormons.
+Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians. And we've come to see... MY DAUGHTER.
+Oh, Lord. I was hoping this day would never come.
+Huh? What are you talking about?
+You mean you never told him?
+I guess I've been in denial. Homer... Kang is Maggie's father.
+You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! Was he better than me?
+It all happened about two years ago...
+Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.
+There I was, having a great time in the back yard, when without warning, I was abducted by aliens.
+Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted!
+Congratulations. You have been selected for our cross-breeding program.
+To put you at ease, we have re-created the most common spawning locations of your species.
+You may choose either... the back seat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding, or the alley behind a porno theater.
+I absolutely refuse to go along with this. But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
+Initiate fertilization procedure.
+Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
+I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind confusion techniques.
+Look behind you!
+Insemination complete.
+Really? That seemed awfully quick.
+What are you implying?
+Nothing, nothing.
+Whoa. Wow, look at the time. I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow. You're a super girl, though. I'll call you some time.
+Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie.
+And now she must return home to Rigel 7, where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life.
+Well, we can't compete with that, but--
+But nothing. Get your slimeless hands off her.
+People, people. Space monsters. This is going nowhere. There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.
+Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
+Okay, we're back.
+Homer, how did it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus?
+It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired.
+Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier... because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in a soundproof booth where he can't hear us.
+One-eyed, two-timing ! I'm gonna !
+Oh yeah? Well, hyperbolic paraboloid yo mama!
+Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
+Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is...
+Nah, the green dude. If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at?
+You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility--
+Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.
+And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.
+Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.
+Ow! What the fu-- Get the baby off Son of a bit--
+I am so -ing embarrassed.
+I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
+And now he's dead.
+Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now.
+Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington.
+Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician.
+Just watch us.
+Don't forget Ken Starr.
+Suckers.
+C'mon, Maggie. Let's go home.
+Very well. I'll drive.
+I need blood.
+My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
+Heyyy, Bart Bart, looks like a beautiful day to swipe some pic-i-nic baskets.
+But, Homie, Ranger Ned's not gonna like that.
+I'llll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the a-ver-age bear.
+Wellll, hello there Ho-diddily-omie. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that pic...
+Gee, Homie, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned.
+You want some of this?!
+Dad! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
+Oh, I was having the most wonderful dream. I had a hat, and a tie with no pants on.
+Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you promised to take us to the lake.
+I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father.
+Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
+No, that would make me a great father.
+So are we going to the lake or what?
+Yes, we'll go to the darn lake! Now go back to bed. It's four A.M.!
+Aw, four A.M. Now I'll never get back to...
+"Magilla Gorilla, gorilla for sale..." Hey, you shouldn'ta oughta taken my banana, Mr. Peebles.
+Well, it looks like the lake is the place to be, huh?
+Well, if we'd left at four A.M. like I wanted to...
+Dad, you really should be watching the road.
+Hey, Homer, enough traffic for ya?
+Homer, your spine!
+Screw this. Hang on, everyone. We're takin' the ol' Simpson shortcut.
+So long, suckers!
+Eat my dust, suckers!
+Stop calling everyone suckers!
+Mmmm. Ugh, pesticides! Carbomate, if I'm not mistaken. Yep, Carbomate.
+I see it.
+This is such a secluded area. I wonder who lives in that house?
+Well, way out in the sticks like this, it could only be hillbillies.
+So, I suppose that's a hillbilly Jacuzzi?
+Lower! Lower!
+Yep. That's where they cook up their "vittles."
+Hey, here come the Simpsons. N-Now be careful, Homer. There's a fella in the sand right in front of ya...
+Okay, remember where we parked.
+Homer, is that my muffler?
+There you go. And I assume you've read the boat safety manual.
+Oh yeah, couldn't put it down.
+C'mon boy, let's get me a six-pack.
+Uh sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
+Ohhh, that sounds like a wager to me.
+Life jackets?
+Tow rope?
+Secure.
+Here we go!
+She's down.
+Ooh, look at it go.
+Stay there, honey. We'll come back for you.
+How's he doing?
+I don't know... I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing.
+Faster, Marge! Faster! The snapping turtles are massing!
+Heads up. Comin' through. Look out! Hey, volley ball. Can I play later? Hi, Apu.
+Oh, dear. You've ruined my work! You flying fat man!
+Step on it, Mom. Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher.
+Higher!
+Bye-bye, fishies! Higher! Higherrr!
+I'm soaring! Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft! Higher, Marge! Higher!
+It won't go any --
+Higher, I say! I want to soar higher than any man has ever soared! I want to look down on the clouds with contempt! I want to sneer at God's creation and spit on his -- uh-oh.
+There goes my turn.
+Oh, this is not good.
+Aw, nuts.
+What? Oh, already?
+What the hell?!
+Sorry, lady. I know you. You're Kim Basinger
+It's Basinger.
+Ohhh my God, I am such a huge, huge fan of yours, Miss Basinger.
+Thanks. Listen, you think you could slide over a little?
+Well, I am a married man...
+You're crushing my husband.
+Billy Baldwin!
+I'm Alec Baldwin. Could you get off me?
+So, what are you two kids doin' in my neck of the woods?
+Well...
+Wait! Tell me over breakfast. Who's for pancakes?
+Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, Mr. Simpson? You had an awful lot of glass in you.
+Oh, I don't want to be a bother. Anyway, what are you two big Hollywood stars doing in good ol' Springfield?
+Hm, Sometimes we need to get away from Hollywood. L.A. is just so phony.
+Oh, why didn't you move to, sayyy... Bethesda?
+Not phony enough.
+What we really like here is the privacy. Most people don't even know where Springfield is.
+Yeah, tell you the truth, I'm not even sure.
+We're trying to keep a low profile. We don't even go to the supermarket.
+Yeah, we've been living off congratulatory muffin baskets.
+Zucchini.
+Don't just put that back in the basket.
+I'm gonna eat it later.
+A gallon of wheat grass juice, a five pound wad of tofu, some jellied zinc, and a couple-a pairs of $600 sunglasses.
+You shouldn't have to survive on dry crumbly muffins from... the Gersh Agency. You should let me do your shopping. I know where I can get you some great muffins.
+No more muffins.
+Okay, fine. But I could do all kinds of stuff for you. I noticed that skylight in your bedroom's broken.
+Yeah, I'm not sure we need an assistant, Mr. Simpson.
+Please, Homer. C'mon, if you let me hang around a while, I can do all kinds of stuff for ya.
+Well, we are down to our last roll of toilet paper...
+And I have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week.
+I suppose we could give it a try.
+Yeah, you owe me that much.
+Okay, you're on. But look, nobody knows we're in Springfield, and we want to keep it that way.
+Will you promise to keep our secret?
+Absolutely. If you promise to keep mine.
+Okay, what is it?
+I can't read.
+But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency.
+I recognized the logo.
+Homie, are you okay?
+We've been looking all over for you, Dad. Where did you land?
+Nowhere famous.
+Where'd you get that muffin?
+Gersh Agency.
+Apu, I'm about to purchase some weird and fruity items, and I don't want any guff. First of all, I'll need the following mushrooms: portobello --
+Porcini --
+Chanterelle --
+Uh-huh.
+AAAnd Shiitake.
+Okay, we have none of those. What is next?
+/ My God, what I'd give to meet him.
+Mister Simpson, these exotic items are suspiciously different from your usual order of beer and pork. What gives?
+Nothing, nothing. I'm just broadening my horizons. Uh, by the way, do you have extra-wide bumper stickers for a Humvee?
+Wow, you got everything, Homer. Even the Oscar polish.
+Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest? You're taking the finish off.
+When you win one, you can take care of it however you want.
+Ooo, me-ow.
+I'll get it! I'll get it!
+Hi, I'm Ron Howard.
+Ron Howard?!
+Yeah, I'm lookin' for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
+Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger?!
+Oh, hey, Ron! We heard you were looking for a place in Springfield.
+Yeah, well, it's the only town in America that'll let me fish with dynamite.
+Uh... What's with him?
+Oh, that's just Homer. He's a new friend of ours.
+Really? You giant stars consider me a friend? Well, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm somebody. Ronny, are you also my close friend?
+Do I smell vodka... and wheat grass?
+It's called a Lawnmower. I invented it. You want one?
+Yeah, okay.
+And I'll have a rum and zinc.
+Ooh, I'll have one of those, too. Hey, can I crash here tonight?
+Sure. We'll all stay.
+A cell phone? Last Thursday's "Variety"?
+I'll do that! You go upstairs and have a beer.
+Homer, when did you become a member of P.E.T.A.?
+Oh, they don't come much bigger than that.
+Kent Brockman. Please.
+Well, you know me. I love animals. Beef, chicken, veal... if you're not part of the solution, Marge, you're part of the problem.
+But that's not what P.E.T.A. stands--
+Imagine Films.
+A, uh... division of, um... Homer-Co.
+And lift, and strain, and hy-per-extend, keep those knees rigid, jerk that lower back...
+Homer, I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck.
+That's right, force it. Whip that neck.
+Um, does anybody know where this came from?
+Oh, there's that movie script I wrote. Where did you find it?
+On my pillow.
+The important thing is, it's got the perfect part for you. Either one of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.
+I am not!
+Well, he expressed an interest.
+No, I didn't!
+Did too!
+I did not!
+You lie!
+Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts are 120 pages. This is only seventeen. Annnd several of the pages are just drawings of the time machine.
+So you're saying you don't want to star in my movie?
+I'm sorry, Homer.
+Well, if Alec is out, I'm out too. You're on your own, Potsie.
+"The Terminizor: An Erotic Thriller"?
+So, I'm in the grocery store the other day buyin' some cotton balls...
+The absorbent kind?
+Youuu got that right, my friend!
+So, I round the corner and head down the ointment aisle, when who should I spot? None other than Kent Brockman!
+The local news guy? Mister Channel 6?
+Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star?
+I might have.
+Come on, make with a name.
+Oh, I can't. I promised I wouldn't.
+Aw, yeah right. You ain't seen nobody.
+Another good one, Moe.
+Please don't tell anyone we're here.
+You've got to keep our secret, Homer.
+Homer, we're out of vodka.
+Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know about the celebrity summer house.
+Who the hell are you?
+What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear.
+All right, I'm gonna let you guys in on something. But you've got to keep it much more secret than I did.
+Yess! In your freckled face, Howard!
+Unbelievable?
+Nothing, nothing. Good hustle.
+My God. The lemonade. Look at the lemonade!
+Quick, everybody inside!
+The shuttlecock! Where's the shuttlecock?!
+Arr, I loved "Splash, Mr. Howard!" It was totally... Um... Arrrr!
+Uh, Miss Basinger, those red pumps you wore in "L.A. Confidential" were fabulous. Where can I get a pair for my, uh, mother? She wears a 12 double "E."
+Alec, Alec, regarding that so-called silent propulsion system in "The Hunt for Red October," I printed out a list of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing--
+Somebody must have told them we live here.
+I'm looking at you, Horshak.
+Homer, how could you?
+Okay, okay, it was me. I'm sorry I blew your secret. But you don't know what it's like to be a nobody. I just wanted to bask in your reflected glory. Reflected glory!
+Homer, you betrayed our confidence. I just don't think we can be friends anymore.
+But where will I bask?
+Anywhere but here.
+Come on, Ron, we're not wanted here.
+All right, I'll go. But the next time you want someone to remind you which brother is which, or smell your hair while you're sleeping, just remember, old Homer won't be here anymore.
+Wait a minute. Somebody's coming out!
+Who is it? Is it anybody?
+Nah, nah, it's nobody.
+Throw your stones. It's nobody.
+Oh, how could Alec and Kim just cut me out of their lives?
+Homer, you haven't touched your food.
+When Kim makes a Manwhich, she uses foccacia bread. And would it kill you to put some fennel in it?
+Alec Baldwin, wow. That is the coolest person you've ever been fired by. What was it like at their house?
+Oh, it was so great. I didn't have to fake it with them. I was actually excited to hear about their day.
+I washed the dog today.
+Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies?
+Of course not.
+Our dog isn't famous. And you kids aren't exactly John and Joan Cusack. And you. You couldn't open a movie if your life depended on it. I'm about ready to ankle this family.
+"Ankle"? "Foccacia"? What are you talking about?
+See? It's like we don't even speak the same language anymore. The only one who understands me is that guy who married Martha Raye.
+Don't blame us, Dad. The celebrities are the ones who canned you.
+Hmmm... She may not be famous, but she's right. Those big shot stars used me up and spit me out. I did their laundry, got their pictures developed, took their garbage to the dump... And I've still got a car full of their crap. Crap, eh...?
+Hey, is it too late to see the movie stars?
+Nah. Nah. Just, uh, hop that fence, sneak up and, uh, peek in the window there.
+All right.
+I never get tired of that.
+Attention starstruck fools!
+Step right up and see the world's greatest mobile collection of Alec-and-Ron-and-Kim-arabilia.
+Only 5, no wait 10 dollars. You heard right, 20 dollars.
+Hey, it's Alec Baldwin's medic-alert bracelet.
+That's right, Mister Tough Guy can't handle a little penicillin. Oh, and look at this. We can't even pay our bills and they're drinking Royal Crown Cola.
+Hey, hey, go easy on the celebrities, huh?
+Yeah, what gives you the right?
+We love celebrities!
+Oh, yeah? What have they ever done for you? When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!
+Oh, look. Wasn't that a fun weekend?
+Yeah, Homer was a pretty good guy. And we just tossed him out like a Golden Globe Award... I've got to admit, I miss the way he used to tuck us in and kiss us on the forehead.
+Forehead?
+Aw, maybe I should've made his movie.
+Yeah, it wasn't that bad. I mean, the script might even work if you got rid of the talking pie.
+What're you, crazy? It's a buddy picture. Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours!
+Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that.
+No, no, no, you can't lose the pie. The pie's your heart.
+Okay, okay. Keep the damn pie! The point is, we weren't fair to Homer. He screwed up, but he deserves another chance.
+Next...
+Why you little--!
+Yeah, everyone makes mistakes. I mean, we'd want another chance if one of us ever made a bad film, right?
+I'm really looking forward to seeing Homer again. He always has the most interesting odors.
+Ooh, look at me! I'm Kim Basinger, the big movie star! I'm so beautiful! I think I'm so great! I'm too important to take Homer to the Oscars.
+What the -- ?
+Gotta-go-thank-you-for-supporting-the-Museum-of-Hollywood-Jerks.
+Let's get him!
+This time it's personal!
+What? It is personal. He's got our underpants.
+Oh, I'll never outrun them in a museum!
+Pull over, you maniac!
+Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far.
+Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy.
+Gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes.
+Heh. I made it! All by myself! Hey, were you watching, sweetheart? I made it!
+My watch is caught!
+Oh, for the love of... Hold on. Can you drive?
+Not well. But I'll give it a shot.
+Oh, God.
+I guess it's up to me.
+You killed Ron Howard!
+Okay, I'll stop.
+Mr. Simpson, do you have anything to say for yourself?
+Yes, I do.
+I believe that famous people have a debt to everyone. If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.
+In closing, you people must realize that the public owns you for life. And when you're dead, you'll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners. Thank you, Your Honor.
+Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within five hundred miles of any celebrity, living or dead.
+Woo hoo!
+Well, I'll always have my crank calls. Hello, old lady from "Titanic"? You stink!
+And it grows to a powerful, emotional climax when the father has to choose, which one of his children will live and which one will die...
+What else you got?
+Uhh... Well, well, there is this one thing. It's about a killer robot driving instructor that travels back in time for some reason.
+I'm listening.
+Okay, okay. Well, you see this robot, he's got a heartbreaking decision to make, about whether his best friend lives... or dies.
+His best friend's a talking pie.
+Sold! Howard, you've done it again!
+Homer, We're out of vodka.
+Ahhh, lunchtime!
+Well, let's see what I've packed for myself today. One bouillon cube, one concord grape, one Philly cheesesteak, and a jar of garlic pickles. No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers?
+Well, it's their loss, sir.
+Allow me, sir.
+It's no use. Shall I send out for some Chinese?
+No, those people are all gristle. I want this jar open.
+Worthless old geezers.
+All righty, I'll just-- You stinkin' g--
+Oh, for goodness sake. What we need around here is some fresh blood.
+Would you like me to drain Simpson while he's passed out, sir?
+No, no. To attract top graduates, we'll need to make a recruitment film. A picture that showcases our cutting edge technology.
+A talkie, sir?
+Yes, brilliant! That's just the kind of far-out gimmick we need.
+Annnnd. Action!
+Wow! What a graduation!
+I'll say.
+But with college behind us, we'll need careers. And good ones.
+What about chestnut roasting? People always need chestnuts.
+Or begging. I know a place that'll saw your legs off...
+Slow down, fellas. I've got a way we can keep our legs, and still have a bright future.
+Now you're dreaming.
+Oh, am I?
+Of course. Nuclear power.
+It's the job of tomorrow... today!
+Really?
+Well, that settles it. For all those reasons and more, let us choose an electrifying career in... Line.
+Nuclear power.
+Nuclear power.
+You dunder-headed stooges are the worst bunch of--!
+Pretty good, huh?
+Well, it's better than that last Barbra Streisand movie.
+I didn't quite get the point of it, Dad. Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off?
+Well, there were script problems from day one.
+Didn't seem like anybody even read the script.
+That was the problem. The important thing is, after all these years of paying my dues, I'm finally getting some decent parts.
+You're joining the Screen Actor's Guild?
+I didn't choose to be a gifted actor, Marge. It chose me. I'm merely a vessel through which genius flows. Now help me make up some phony credits.
+Fat Guy Number Three?
+Good. Good.
+Hey, Dad, it says they need your full name. You only put down your middle initial.
+Hey, what the heck is your middle name, anyway?
+You know... I have no idea. Hey, Dad. What does the "J" stand for?
+How should I know?
+It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.
+But I can't ask Mom. She's on the run from the law.
+Serves her right fer bein' a sixties radical. Though she was a demon in the sack.
+Uh, so, Dad, regarding that form... why not just make up a middle name?
+You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
+No! Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
+You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
+Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.
+Hmm... I know where we might find your missing moniker. It's a bit of a drive, but on the way we can have a nice father son chat.
+Great. I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.
+This is the hippie commune your mother ran off to when life with me became a living hell.
+Wow, look at this place. There's a pond for skinny dippin', a tire for skinny swingin'... I can actually feel the good vibrations.
+Oww... ch.
+Get off of there, Ginsberg.
+I remember them. Seth and Munchie. Look at those filthy, lazy, flea-ridden -- Oh hi, there!
+Hey, check it out!
+Is that... Abe Simpson? Geez, man, we haven't seen you since Woodstock.
+You went to Woodstock?
+Your mother dragged us both to that God-forsaken lovefest...
+Boooo! Bring on Sha-Na-Na!
+Whoa. Mellow out, Abe. Little Homer's trying to groove.
+Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on, and then pull 'em down, 'cause it's time for a spankin'!
+Get a load of Captain Bringdown, whoa.
+Yeah. Whoa.
+Never! What you need's a good long hitch in Vietnam. There must be an enlistment tent around here somewhere.
+If I'd a left it up to your mother, you'd've ended up in a hellhole like this, just lyin' around, never workin', without a care in your head full of long luxurious hippie hair...
+Oh, Homer J., how do you keep your hair so rich and full?
+Lather, rinse, and repeat. Always repeat.
+Homer J., will you teach us to make love?
+Wow, I could have lived like that?
+You know, Homer, your Mom was a pretty groovy chick.
+And a demon in the sack.
+Oh, you heard about that, eh?
+Aaanyway, I-I still think about her every time I walk by that mural she painted.
+Ohh, my mother painted that for me?
+Oh, my God! My middle name is right behind that shrub. I'll finally know what "J" stands for! From this moment forth, I will be known as Homer...Jay Simpson. It's so beautiful. What a magical gift for my mother to leave me.
+She also left her old poncho.
+I'll treasure this poncho forever.
+Aw, y-you might want to wash that. The dog has a lot of skin and bladder problems.
+All right, we got what we came for, plus that stink rag to boot. Now, let's hit the road.
+Just lyin' around... never workin'... without a care in...
+My head full of long, luxurious, hippie hair. I'll do it!
+I'm gonna be a hippie, just like Mom wanted. I'm gonna let my spirit soar and love all of God's creatures!
+Get off, you stupid dog!
+Okay, if I'm gonna be a real hippie, I have to learn from the master, Mr. Bob "flower child" Hope.
+Hey, peace, man. Far out. Groovy. I'm a hippie. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jill St. John.
+Hey, Bob, I just came to invite you to the love-in.
+I got you a date with the perfect flower child... Phyllis Diller.
+Let's get it on.
+Now I know how Dean Rusk feels. G'night everybody!
+Bummer... love-in... Dean Rusk... By George I've got it!
+Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato.
+Your potato? You can't like own a potato, man. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures.
+Homer, excuse yourself.
+No way, narc. Bodily functions are a natural thing.
+Not to mention hilarious.
+You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc.
+And that poncho is filthy! Let me dry-clean it for you.
+Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like the whole shaving trip. C'mon, I want to see those legs all furry and gross.
+That ain't gonna happen, bub.
+I see...
+Well, at least lose the bra. Free the "Springfield Two," Marge! Free the "Springfield Two!"
+Hmf. I think you've had too much strawberry wine.
+Ew! Help!
+Oh, I've never seen anything like...
+My eyes have been soiled!
+C'mon, Maude. The human wang is a beautiful thing.
+Homer, for God sakes, put your poncho on!
+Okay, okay. Narc.
+Heads up!
+Hey, it's Homer Jay!
+My man! You've gone granola.
+Right on.
+Join the hack.
+That was cool. Think I'll stick around. We've got everything we need right here. Good times, sunshine, free love...
+Okay, time to get back to work.
+Work!? But you're hippies!
+Oh, we were on a break.
+Time is money, man.
+What is this place?
+We are the largest organic juice company in Springfield.
+We grow our own vegetables and process them right here. And we give half the profits to war orphans.
+Profits, profits, profits! What kinda hippies are you? Peter Fonda must be spinning in his grave.
+W-We're just trying to pay the bills, Homer. I mean, we're still hippies at heart.
+Oh, yeah? When's the last time you freaked out the establishment? You guys are total sellouts.
+Wait. Don't you work for a nuclear power plant?
+Look, we can sit here all day and play the blame game, or we can start freaking people out. C'mon, where's your freak bus?
+I drive a Saturn.
+A Saturn?
+We all blame you.
+We used to have a bus. In a way, the sixties ended the day we sold it... December 31st, 1969.
+Yeah, an old-time freak-out sounds tempting, Homer. But we've got a big order to fill.
+Fine. I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.
+I-I suppose we could duck out for a couple hours.
+Hey, we'll call it a business trip and write off the mileage.
+Now your freak flag's flying! Let the freak-out begin! Woo hoo!
+Ohh... we're never gonna freak anybody out with this music. I brought something from my personal stash that'll blow some minds.
+Can you turn that down just a little?
+Hey square, expand your mind! The doors of perception are open for business.
+Thanks for the tip, Homer.
+Never fear, the cosmic fool is here to blow the lid off your conformist, button-down world!
+Weirdos!
+Hi, Marge. We're freaking out squares!
+Oh, Lord.
+What's in your brand new bag, mama?
+Uh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. 48 waist with the balloon seat, right?
+Marge. Not in front of the hippies.
+Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that.
+Oh, please God, don't let them come in here.
+Hear ye! Hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!
+Woo hoo!
+Hm. Fifteen years of loyal service and this is how they tell me -- a jester with an invisible proclamation.
+That was fun. I don't know if we actually freaked anyone out, but --
+No, no, no. Marge was definitely freaked out.
+Thanks, Homer. It was nice to reconnect with our hippie roots, if only for a--
+What the hell--
+Oh no! / Oh man!
+Your Frisbee jammed the juicilator, Homer!
+Our entire shipment is ruined!
+Uh. Pretty, uh, freaky, huh?
+The only people who are going be freaked out are our stockholders.
+I'm sensing some negative vibes here. But I promise tomorrow's freak-out will go a lot smoother.
+There won't be any more freak-outs! You're not a hippie, and you never were!
+Yes, b-b-but the poncho...
+Please, Homer, just leave us alone.
+B-b-but the poncho...
+Oh! / For crying out loud!
+Stunned league officials say point-shaving may have occurred in as many as three Harlem Globetrotters games.
+And in business news, Groovy Grove Juice Corporation has announced it will miss delivery on its third quarter shipment. A spokesman attributed the production shutdown to a half-witted oaf.
+Aww, it was sweet of those guys to blame an oaf, but really it was my fault. I just don't have the discipline to be a hippie.
+Ooh, does this mean you're going to start showering again?
+Perhaps in time.
+Aw, cheer up, Dad. You make a great hippie.
+Aww, you're just saying that.
+No, really. You're lazy and self-righteous...
+And the soles of your feet are jet black.
+Well, I do walk through pretty much anything... Ohh, you kids are sweet.
+My God! It's nothing but carrots and peyote.
+I know you feel bad about the juice incident, but I'm sure you can make up for it somehow.
+That's it! Somehow!
+Sleep gentle hippies, sleep. Let old Homer Jay set things right.
+Good morning, Starshine. Seth.
+W-W-What's going on?
+W-What happened to our crops?
+I picked 'em, juiced 'em, and delivered 'em to every store in town. Your business is saved!
+But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.
+Heh. That's what I thought at first. But then I found the other garden behind the barn -- the one with the camouflage netting.
+Uh-oh. Oh, Lord.
+Homer, those were our "personal vegetables."
+Well, now the whole town can benefit from their nutrients!
+Fergie!
+Willie, you complete me.
+Saints be praised!
+Willie, you complete me.
+I've always dreamed of this moment.
+Ohh... thanks, Pinky. You've always been there for me.
+'Morning Ned.
+Pucker up, Ned.
+We are so old.
+Whee! Ohhh!
+Lou? Lou?! Are you all right?
+The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana.
+Hmf. Damn long-hairs never learn, Chief.
+Yeah, it's time for an old-fashioned hippie ass-whomping.
+Attention, hippies. Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.
+Officer, please, we can explain...
+Not so fast, Pig! We're making a stand. A freaky stand! You can smash this drug barn all you want, but first you'll have to smash our heads open like ripe melons!
+This man does not represent us.
+All right, boys. Set your nightsticks on "whomp."
+Umm, mine's stuck on "twirl."
+Oh, for the love of... there. Now, let's crack some skulls.
+Seth, Munchie, they can destroy our bodies and our ponchos, but they can never silence our song of protest. "UPTOWN GIRL / SHE'S BEEN LIVING IN HER WHITE-BREAD WORLD..." Come on, guys... UPTOWN GIRL...
+Forget the clubs. Just shoot him.
+Look at yourselves, pointing guns at your fellow man.
+Hatred is a cage that keeps us from soaring free. Yes, the sixties may be dead and gone, and its spirit long since extinguished, but its ideals live on.
+Freedom...
+Love...
+And peace.
+Doctor, will he be all right?
+Yes, he was lucky. If that had been a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.
+Well, why don't you just pull it out?
+I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
+Can't you just prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV?
+What did I just say?
+That's no fun.
+... And may we burn in painful and foul-smelling fire forever and ever.
+Aaaaa--
+MMMennnn...onite minister will be giving a guest sermon next Sunday. Go in peace. Aaaa--
+Don't make me come up there!
+...men.
+Woo hoo!
+I'm starving. Mom, can we go Catholic so we get communion wafers and booze?
+No, no one's "going Catholic." Three children is enough, thank you.
+Hang in there, son. I'm taking us out for our traditional Sunday brunch.
+He zinged you, Marge.
+Brunch is served!
+I feel guilty coming here every Sunday and never actually buying anything.
+Why? We're following the rules -- if it has a toothpick in it, it's free.
+Ah, this is my kind of aisle -- soy substitute... whizless cheese... oven-roasted cud!
+It's packed in its own drool!
+Gavin, honey, help Mommy pick a cereal. How 'bout Alfalfa-bits?
+Those suck! I hate this store!
+But, sweetheart, Mommy--
+I hate you, too! I want to live with one of my Dads!
+Mmm... So you say this product is known as "fudge?"
+Yes. Just like it was last week.
+If you're gonna get snippy, I'll take my business elsewhere.
+Cherry Garcia... Honey Bono... Desmond Tutti Fruitti... Lisa, help Daddy find some normal flavors.
+Candy Warhol? Xavier Nougat?
+Nooo, nothing made of dead guys. What's in the back?
+Hurry up. My hands are getting cold.
+Oh my goodness! Homer, get her out of there!
+Sherbet Hoover?
+Oh, we've got to get you home to a warm blanket and a cold compress.
+Those are eight dollars a pound, sport.
+Hmmm, eight dollars a pound... times say, oh, five pounds... is, ummm... let's see, how many pounds in a gallon? Oh, I can't afford that.
+Unless...
+I tell ya, I'm a financial genius. I buy an eight-dollar lobster, fatten it into an eighty-dollar lobster, and eat the profits.
+Lobsters need salt water.
+I'm way ahead of you.
+Dad! The fish!
+Hold on. I'm still fine-tuning.
+Perfect.
+Ohh, you don't sound so good. We'd better get you some cold medicine.
+No problem. I picked some up at the store.
+Oh, Homie, you made breakfast.
+Nothing's too good for my one and only.
+Eat, eat! You're nothing but skin and bones.
+Ohh, how are you feeling, sweetie?
+Much better.
+Oh my, you're burning up. I'm going to tell the school you're staying home.
+I'm afraid I can't allow that.
+Mom, no, wait! We can make a deal!
+You don't have anything I want.
+No, but I enjoy the smell.
+The ocean abounds with fearsome creatures -- but none attacks its prey with more fury than the seaweed shark.
+The struggle is soon over.
+You shouldn't be watching the Learning Channel. You need to take it easy.
+But I'm hardly learning at all.
+Why don't you play with one of Bart's video games instead? Hugh Downs says they're the latest craze.
+Foolish dingo! You must find and devour the seven crystal babies or spend eternity trapped in deep didgeri-doo!
+I am so scared.
+All right, I guess you're supposed to go through this stupid door...
+Hmm... I wonder what's in this glowing barrel.
+What? Nunchuks? Those aren't even Australian.
+Oh, great. So I'm dead now? Fine, I'm sick of this stupid game anyway.
+I am just four power wands away from an anti-gravity lozenge. Hope I don't run into that weird little troll!
+Hi Lisa.
+No, pause, pause!
+I brought your homework. We have to read this.
+The Wind in the Willows.
+It's about a toad and a badger and a mole. I drawed on mine! Is this my house?
+No, you live in a different house.
+Choo choo choo choo woo woo!
+I shall rule the Down Under-verse!
+We'll see about that, mate.
+Okay, together, we weigh three hundred pounds. According to my driver's license, I weigh 140 pounds.
+That means that you weigh... One hundred and sixty pounds! Oh-ho-ho, you're doin' great!
+No, no! Yes! That's it! Bite, bite, bite!
+Oh, sweetie, you look so much better. Ready to go back to school?
+Ah, I don't know. I mean, I could risk it, but...
+No, no, you just stay put.
+Wow, you didn't even feel her forehead. How do I get that kind of credibility?
+With eight years of scrupulous honesty.
+Meh, it's not worth it.
+Oh, I really need one more day, Mom. I think the germs are regrouping. Now for breakfast I'll have hash browns, coffee and a short stack. And would it kill you to heat up the syrup?
+But I-I might infect the other kids!
+That's a risk I'm willing to take. So long!
+Welcome back, Lisa. I trust you got the homework I assigned?
+"The Wind in the Willows?" Oh yeah, Ralph brought it over.
+Perfect. Then I won't need to excuse you from the test.
+Game over, mate.
+Okay. All right. You can bluff your way through one test.
+"Mr. Toad has a red blank." Okay, skip that one. "Mr. blank needs a blank in order to blank his blank." I am in deep blank.
+And the lowest grade in the class...
+She's gonna say my name!
+...Lisa Simpson, zero.
+Lisa, the President of Harvard would like a word with you.
+Nasty business, that zero. Naturally, Harvard's doors are now closed to you. But I'll pass your file along to Brown.
+Mmm... heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto?
+Yup. Almost got tenure, too.
+No, not Brown!
+Brown, Brown, Brown...
+Lisa, you're saying Brown an awful lot. Are you okay?
+Well, actually, I do feel a little feverish.
+Aw. Don't worry about the test. Just get yourself a nice drink of water. Then come back and finish the test.
+I need a miracle. Come on, you owe me.
+S'up, sis?
+Bart?! Shouldn't you be in class?
+It's a little something I whipped up in shop. Mostly latex. What're you doing out here?
+We've got a test, and I didn't read the book. I'll get a zero for sure, Bart! What do I do?
+Well, if it was me, I'd just take the zero. Ah, but, that's not for everyone. There's one other possibility.
+Hey, I can't go in there!
+Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.
+Hang on, I'll buzz you in... Buuuzzzzzzz.
+Teacher and subject?
+Miss Hoover, "Wind in the Willows."
+Here we go.
+Oh my God! These are the answers to the test! I don't wanna cheat!
+Hey, hey... These are "study aids." They're for novelty purposes only. If a few bad apples use them for cheating, I can't be held responsible.
+Forget it. I'd rather get a zero.
+Good for you, lass.
+I got me a zero once, and me life turned out just fine. Ach! Ooh, that's a nasty clog.
+Oooh, ye've got yourself a partner, have ya?
+Keep the change.
+Come here ye slippery rascals.
+Good news, my delicious friend! You're going to be a free-range lobster.
+C'mon, boy, dig in. They'll give you a big, strong thorax.
+Aw, look at him cower, just like the boy. I can't stay mad at such a helpless little mammal.
+Oh, I'm gonna get you for that, you little scamp!
+Take that, Pinchy.
+I graded this morning's test over lunch, and most of you did quite well.
+I got a "B"!
+No, Ralph, that's an "F". I must have spilled some Kahlua.
+Perfect, Lisa. And you got all the extra credit questions -- even the one that got cut off by the copy machine.
+Well, I guess I was just on a roll.
+Don't be so modest, Lisa. You earned that "A" plus plus plus.
+Actually, there are four plusses.
+No, that's Drambuie.
+Ooh, so plump and juicy. He's gonna boil up nicely.
+Well, I guess this is it, ol' pal. This is your big day.
+The water's boiling! Quick, chuck him in!
+Come on! Chuck him in!
+Okay...
+Let's go! In the pot. In the pot.
+But Marge, look at the little guy!
+He looks like an ordinary... ow! Son of a--!
+Feel that, Marge? He likes you!
+And now for the main course...
+Steamed Maine cabbages!
+Pardon me for asking, but where the hell's my stupid lobster?
+We're not eating Mr. Pinchy. He's part of the family now.
+Pinchy, I made you some risotto.
+What? You gotta be kiddin' me.
+Daddd...
+What's your problem, Veggie? You don't even eat lobster.
+Well, lobster or no lobster, this is still a very special dinner. Ba-da da-da da-daaa!
+Lisa broke her own record -- by two whole plusses!
+Mom, where did you get that?
+Oh, it just turned up in the course of my daily rummaging. By the way, I oiled the hinge on your diary.
+Aren't you proud of your big sister, Mr. Pinchy? Hmm? Hmm?
+Uh, I am sick of everyone being so proud of me!
+That's my girl!
+Aw, cheer up, Lis. You got a good grade without even reading the book. That's win-win.
+Can't you see the difference between earning something honestly and getting it by fraud?
+Hmmm... I suppose maybe if, uh... no. No, sorry, thought I had it there for a sec.
+Psst, Lisa. Check it out. Tomorrow's fraction quiz. I'll give you the numerators free, but the denominators are gonna cost ya.
+I don't want your dirty denominators.
+Well la-dee-dah, Lady Cheaterly. Can I at least keep you in my Rolodex?
+No! I never cheated before, and I never will again! Oh, I almost wish I hadn't gotten away with it.
+Lisa Simpson, report to the principal's office to discuss the results of yesterday's test.
+We never met.
+I've just received some rather unusual news regarding your unprecedented A-triple-plus. To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened. No, not saddened, what's the word...? Ah yes, delighted.
+I'm delighted to report that your grade brought the entire school's GPA up to our state's minimum standard. We now qualify for a Basic Assistance Grant. It's the greatest honor the school has ever received! And it's all thanks to you.
+Your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who--
+Stop it! I cheated! Cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated!
+Lisa, what are you trying to say?
+I cheated!
+You cheated? Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me?
+She doesn't know. You're the only one I've told.
+Well... then, one could make the argument... that... there really is no problem.
+But what I did was wrong.
+Oh, very much so, but as long as we handle this in a mature and, above all, quiet manner, we'll still get that grant money. Oh, you really scared me there.
+But we can't accept that money. It's tainted.
+Now, now, leave the money out of this. It's not the money's fault you cheated. Besides, I've already started spending it. Check out the new scoreboard!
+I'm still learning all the buttons.
+Well, if you're gonna cover this up, I'll just have to go over your head to Super--
+Intendent--
+Chalmers.
+Skinner!! I am outraged that you've kept this from me!
+You were supposed to call as soon as the new scoreboard was in. Tell me, does it play that song "Charge"?
+Ohhh, does it ever!
+You can't keep this scoreboard -- because there's not gonna be any grant money! Because I cheated!
+Lisa, let's take a walk. A little traveling music, Seymour.
+Good Lord, what a dump. It's not surprising this school was once classified the most dilapidated in all of Missouri.
+That's why it was shut down and moved here brick by brick.
+Look around, Lisa. That grant money could do a lot of good.
+Don't you think those youngsters deserve a regulation tetherball?
+We could buy real periodic tables instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Mayer.
+Now, who can tell me the atomic weight of Bolognium?
+Ooo, delicious?
+Correct. I would also accept "snacktacular."
+And for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.
+Hi Lisa, hi SuperNintendo Chalmers.
+I'm learnding!
+Aww. Way to go, Ralph.
+Ah, she's a beaut. You can't beat a Coleco. How many can I put you down for? A lot? Please say a lot. I need this.
+I don't know. I'm not even sure we can keep this one. It's up to Lisa.
+What do you say, Lisa? Will you keep our little secret for the good of your classmates and your school?
+And let's not forget old Gil, huh? The wolf's at old Gil's door.
+I guess I don't have much choice.
+Oh, thank God! Now let's talk rustproofing. These Coleco's will rust up on you like that. Ah-- Shut up, Gil. Close the deal. Close the deal.
+Relax, boy, we're not gonna cook you. Enjoy your day at the beach! Ooh, look.
+Here's a little playmate for you.
+Hey, you don't have to take that from no punk-ass crab. What's wrong with you?
+Arr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him.
+Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!
+Eh, sorry, it's usually the mother. You know, I run a small academy for lobsters like this one. We stress tough love -- daily chores and the like...
+No! We're not sending the lobster away to some snobby boarding school.
+Yarr, I understand, i-it's hard to let go. Eh, tell me this, then -- do ya have any spare change?
+And now, to present the grant money, a legendary figure in educational disbursement: State Comptroller Atkins.
+Thank you. I'm here tonight to honor the girl whose unprecedented test score has set a new standard in excellence.
+Thank you. I know this giant check is very important to everyone here. But, what's even more important is the truth.
+Because after all, education is the search for truth...
+No, no it isn't! Don't listen to her! She's out of her mind!
+... And the truth is, we don't deserve this grant, and I don't deserve your applause. I cheated on that test.
+Wait! How dare you condemn this girl? Who among you can honestly say you've never cheated... on your wives? Or your husbands?
+What she just did took courage. And where I come from, Canada, we reward courage. So I hereby decree that you keep the grant. And let's give this brave girl the ovation she deserves!
+Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You got the highest grade in the class.
+But, Mom--
+The highest grade.
+Okay, Lisa's gone!
+Places, people!
+Oh, man, acting is tough. I'll be in my trailer.
+Oh, good old predictable Lisa! I knew her conscience was a ticking time bomb.
+Heads up! Here comes the real Comptroller.
+This grant ensures...
+... a lightbulb in every classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers' lounge.
+Now, where's the little girl who made this grant possible? Where's Lisa Simpson?
+Come on up here, Lisa.
+Well, how 'bout that? Smart and modest. Well, I should be going now. These giant checks don't hand themselves out.
+Okay, people, let's have a round of applause for the real Comptroller.
+I know a liquor store where we can cash this right now.
+That's one grade I truly earned.
+Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor?
+Sorry, Marge. Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds. But don't worry. I put him in a nice hot bath.
+Hey, what smells so good?
+Yeah... Pinchy?... Pinchy?!... Oh... Pinchy!!!
+Oh, man, that's good. Pass the butter.
+Are you gonna eat that all by yourself?
+Uh-huh. Pinchy would have wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy. No more pain where you are now, boy.
+Oh God, that's tasty. I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this. Ohhh, Pinchy!
+This ghost town is gonna be great. Now with 30 percent more gunfights!
+And 40 percent more rootin' tootin'!
+And the tumbleweeds tumble at 2, 4 and 6! Plus a midnight tumbling on weekends.
+It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie. Come on, kids, three cheers for your father! Hip hip--
+Mom, don't.
+Hip hip--
+We heard you the first time.
+Hip hip--
+Hey, I'm trying to drive here!
+Hey, Dad, that light says, "Check Engine."
+Uh-oh. Tape must have fallen off.
+There, problem solved.
+Oh, come on.
+Relax, she just needs a little lovin'.
+Aw, they remembered my birthday.
+Come on, come on, come on. Start, damn you. Start!
+Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me...
+Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
+Because they discovered gold right over there--
+It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
+This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention.
+Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
+Three minutes?
+I never realized history was so filthy.
+First on our tour is the whorehouse. Then we'll visit the cat house, the brothel, the bordello, and finally, the old mission.
+Oh, thank heaven.
+Lots of prostitutes in there.
+But there was more to the old west than just sex, folks. A-A lot more. If you look off to your left, you'll see a real old west hitching post, possibly used by bandits, possibly during some exciting adventure.
+And these planks below us were often used as a sidewalk by people who may or may not have been bandits.
+That's a keeper!
+Uh, yes, sir?
+Do we have to listen to you?
+Oh, well... no, you don't... but if you have any interest in history...
+I'm done.
+Wow! Have you ever seen so many robot cowboys?
+Hey robot, get your fat, metal ass down here!
+First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you. Now, what'll you have, partner?
+Let's see. One, two, three... six whiskeys!
+All right!
+We only serve sarsparilla, Mac. No alcohol.
+You can get drunk when we get home.
+Hey, these cards are marked.
+Now look what you've done.
+I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.
+Let's forget this whole thing happened.
+What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody!
+What is it with you and robots?
+Ooh, hello, sweet cheeks.
+Look who's a little cowgirl!
+Hey, Mom, look what I got.
+Oh, that's cute. Did you get it in the souvenir shop?
+No, that security guard is handing them out.
+Uh-oh, better run for cover, pardners. Some varmints are havin' a shootout!
+You stole my prostitute! / Missed me! / C'mon, yellow belly!
+Which way's the gunfight?
+There's Old Curly. He played the town preacher until we laid him off, but he still hangs around.
+Help me, please. I'm sick.
+But it's funny, Marge. The guy's sick.
+Uh, should we help him?
+He knows what he's doing.
+Can't get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
+You like it, huh?
+Up yours!
+Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?
+Oh, we've gotta get home. I don't wanna miss, "Inside the Actor's Studio." Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham.
+But I really need to--
+F. Murray Abraham.
+There's a rest area. Pull over.
+Can't stop now. We're making great time.
+Can I go behind a tree?
+What are you, an animal?
+Whoever keeps saying "please stop" back there, better quit it.
+Wow, get a load of that toilet.
+Please go back! You can make it my birthday present.
+We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon.
+But I might explode.
+You just sit back and relax. I'm not gonna let anything happen to my old dad.
+Oh dear God!
+This man's kidneys have exploded. There's nothing left.
+Oh, no!
+Yep, that's what happens when you get older. It's one of those natural things. Beautiful in its way.
+Uh, actually, his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup.
+Excuse me, doctor. I think I know a little something about medicine...
+Homer, with all due respect, this x-ray reveals a textbook kidney blow-out -- which would explain those loud pops you heard.
+So... you're saying I don't need a new muffler?
+I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something.
+Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.
+How long do I have to live, Doc?
+I'm amazed you're alive now.
+Oh, I blame myself for this.
+C'mon, Doc. There's gotta be something I can do to help my dad.
+Well, you could give him a kidney.
+A kidney? Okay, fine.
+You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long and...
+I said "fine." What is it about the word "sure" you don't understand?
+Oh, thank you, son.
+Hmm, I'll take the left one -- it's good and springy. Though the right one's not without its charm.
+Pork chops, sloppy joes, hot dogs, and pork chops?
+Well, Doctor Hibbert said you have to build up your strength.
+Besides, nothing's too good for a wonderful, generous man like you.
+Well now that's what I always thought, but somehow...
+Check it out, Dad. I rented all your favorite gorilla movies. "Gorilla Squadron," "Gorilla Island VI,"...
+"Apes-A-Poppin'!" Oooh, the airline version!
+Can I fluff your pillow?
+Nothing's too good for me.
+Ahhh. I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.
+Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer. You're really brave to go through with this operation.
+It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure.
+Nah, nah, no. Makin' polenta, that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery, here.
+Really? You think it's dangerous?
+Oh, yeah. And, and even if you survive the operation --
+Procedure. Deadly procedure.
+Whatever. The point is, with only one kidney, you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.
+Now you're just tryin' to scare me.
+Plus they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you.
+But I don't want that.
+Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point, here. Can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable.
+Yeah, I guess.
+And, uh, are those your original lips?
+Well, actually I-- Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes!
+Oh yeah, that would look so good on me.
+Marge, I've been thinking. What if, instead of donating one of my old, worn-out kidneys, I gave Grampa that artificial kidney I invented?
+Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.
+But I don't want them cutting up my soft, supple body. Why didn't somebody tell me what I was volunteering for? This is everybody's fault but mine.
+Oh, I know you're scared, Homie. But remember why you're doing this. It's for your father. The man who raised you and nurtured you.
+Jack and Jill went up the hill aaaand... Jill came tumbling after. The end. Good night.
+Is that the same Jack from "Jack and the Beanstalk"?
+You know, son, I believe it is.
+And Jack Sprat? Is that him, too?
+Sure, why not... good night.
+Is he the same as Jack be nimble? And Jack Frost? And little Jack Horner?
+Say, how 'bout a little NyQuil?
+All gone!
+I love you, son.
+I owe Dad so much. Those bedtime stories began my lifelong love affair with the printed word.
+Well, giving him a kidney is a wonderful way to show him how you feel.
+You're right, Marge. I'll do it. But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me?
+Ohh, anything, sweetheart.
+Blow up the hospital.
+Well... I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to.
+That's my girl.
+Dr. Martins to podiatry.
+Liability waiver?
+Don't read it. Just sign it.
+Yeah, but all these skulls and crossbones on here... I don't usually sign stuff like that.
+It simply says you won't hold us responsible if you die as a result of gross negligence. It's a standard form.
+I love you, son.
+I love you, Dad.
+Now, don't you fellas worry. This'll all be over soon. And...
+What the...?!
+We gotta get rid of that window.
+Where'd he go?
+I can't imagine Dad running away like this. Leaving his father to die.
+Even I wouldn't do that. And I'm America's Bad Boy.
+It's a heartbreaking situation.
+Am I dead yet?
+How 'bout now?
+I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.
+Thank you.
+I'm not worthy to live among civilized people.
+Even those guys look too civilized for me.
+I could live at sea! The sea forgives all. Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much.
+Hmmm... the sea won't stand for this.
+Uh, excuse me, I'm fleeing in shame and I'd like to look my best.
+Um, can I be a mate on your ship? Preferably First Mate.
+Well, if you look closely, you'll see this is a taffy shop shaped like a ship.
+Oh, I like taffy, but I don't deserve taffy.
+Hey, hey!
+Krusty here to cheer you up as part of the hospital's "Last Laugh Program."
+Last laugh?
+So, how 'bout that hospital food? Uh?
+I wouldn't know. I'm not allowed to eat.
+Okayyyy... well, let's have a look at the old chart. Uh-- Ho ho, boy. Looks like we're both short on time so I'll go to the big finish. "You are so beautiful to... meee!"
+Feel better!
+Come back, doctor.
+A tramp steamer! That's perfect!
+Oh, I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I could be that.
+Arr, what other ships have ye been on?
+I've been on that one. The taffy shop.
+Good enough.
+Welcome aboard "The Ship Of Lost Souls".
+The name on the back says "Honeybunch."
+Arr, I've been meaning to paint over that. Now come and meet the rest of the damned. Did I mention they're lost souls?
+Well, actually, you did...
+Ahh, another lost soul has joined our world-weary ensemble.
+Say, who are you guys?
+Who are we? No one. Where are we sailing? Nowhere. Do we even exist? Who knows?
+H-Heyy, let me off this thing.
+Oh, don't listen to him. We exist all right.
+We wander the seven seas, trying to forget.
+Forget what?
+Oh boy, here we go.
+My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story.
+My story's better. It has tigers.
+I was born into wretched poverty. So one day I stole a loaf of bread, put it in the freezer until it was very hard, then robbed a bank with it.
+... And when Mr. Dinkley saw what I had done, I was banned from the car wash forever.
+Forever? How awful.
+I would have killed Dinkley for that.
+As you can see, we're a contemptible lot of cads, bounders, and tiger stabbers.
+Come, stranger, join our circle of infamy. Tell us your story of en-nui.
+Well, back on land, my name was Homer Simpson. And I guess it is here, too. I promised my Dad one of my kidneys, but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed.
+Good Lord!
+Oh, how could you?
+I think I'm going to be sick.
+I stole this accordion from a blind monkey, but you... you disgust even me.
+Well, yeah, I know...
+That's the last time I trust the strangest people on earth.
+Even the sea won't forgive me.
+That's the best sandcastle we've ever built, Dad.
+We make a great team, son.
+Oh, I wish I had that kind of relationship with my father... or my kids. Well, I guess it's up to me to take the first step.
+All right, this is it. No more living in shame. I'm going to show my family the kind of man I really am.
+All right, I'm gonna...
+Aren't you going to give him the last rites?
+That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.
+Doctor Hibbert, I thought you'd located another kidney for Grampa.
+Larry Hagman took it. He's got five of them now. And three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.
+Don't worry about old Grampa. I'm goin' to a better place. Shelbyville Hospital!
+Oh, who'm I kiddin'? I'm a goner.
+No you're not, Dad.
+I'm sorry, Dad. The way I behaved was shameful. I guess fear made me run away. But love made me come back.
+Bless you, son. I knew you'd come through for me.
+Now, Homer, this may sting just a tiny bit, b--
+Aw, son of a--!
+Oh, dear.
+Boy, that...
+He's waking up!
+Oh, Homie. I'm so glad you're all right.
+Try not to move, Dad. You swallowed a lot of motor oil.
+I'm sorry I ran off again. Oh, I guess Dad must be dead by now. When I get better, and after I've built those shelves for the kitchen, we'll visit his grave...
+Grave nothin'!
+I never felt more alive!
+Oh! Boy, I shouldn'ta done that.
+It's a miracle! You recovered!
+What? What? Hey!
+While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.
+You butchers! Give it back! Gimme that! Gim--
+Don't you dance out that door you... I'll get my kidney back, old man! You have to sleep sometime!
+I know you're a little peeved at Grampa, Dad, but you've done a wonderful thing.
+Yes. You've shortened your life significantly, so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs.
+Yeah, I guess you're right. Gimme a hug.
+I don't need two kidneys. I have everything I need right here...
+Hmmm...
+Dad, you're tickling me.
+Yesss, tickling.
+And now, the conclusion of our Thousand Dollar Movie -- Roger Corman's... Titanic!
+We're safe now, Clarice. We made it away from that cursed ship.
+Now I can relax and take off this stifling bikini.
+Look out! Behind you!
+We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion after these messages.
+Well, I'd rather get a message than see another lousy commercial.
+People of earth! We have traveled all the way from space to attend the most astro-tastic event in the entire universe.
+You said it, Phil. It's the Bi-Monthly Springfield Sci-Fi Convention.
+That's right, it's BI-MON-SCI-FI-CON. Come meet all your favorite stars! Mark Hamill! Alf!
+And many more!
+Plus, tag-team robot wrestling! It's the Mighty Robots of Battlestar Galactica vs. the Gay Robots of Star Wars!
+Ow! Ow! Stop! Please, save me, R2! Oh, you stupid little tramp! You're so boring! I hate you! Ow! Ow! Ow!
+Remember, it's BI-MON-SCI-FI-CON. Be there and be square!
+Well, beats work.
+Yup, beats school.
+Sorry, we're all full.
+Are you sure this is the sci-fi convention? It's full of nerds.
+Hi, Lisa.
+Hey, Lisa.
+Güten tag.
+People! People! This man has actually been in outer space.
+Ha! Nobody cares!
+This is one small step towards firing your ass.
+Hey, wait. I saw that Lost in Space movie. You are not Doctor Smith.
+Oh, the pain. The paaain! The pain of it all!
+You have still got it, Doctor Smith.
+Silence, you nickel-plated nitwit! My dear boy, I'd be happy to show you my resume, if you'd care to meet me later in the food court...
+Danger! Danger, Bart Simpson!
+Someone has mixed an "Amazing Spider-Man" in with the "Peter Parker The Spectacular Spider-Man" series. This will not stand.
+Pardon me. But I wish to tender a serious cash offer for this stack of water-damaged Little Lulus.
+"A", that is not water, it is diet Mr. Pibb, and "B" I--
+Tell me, how do you feel about forty-five-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?
+Comb the SweeTarts out of your beard and you're on.
+Don't try to change me, baby.
+Welcome futurists, cyberphiles, and the rest of you dateless wonders!
+And now to push this convention into hyperspace, the man who put the star in "Star Wars," a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle, Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill!
+Hey, thanks everybody. You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker. But I'm also here... to talk about Sprint.
+As you can see, you stand to save up to seventeen cents a month over the more dependable providers...
+Nooooooooooo!
+Ahhh, talk about "Star Wars!"
+/ Yeah! / Star Wars!
+You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance!
+"Star Wars," huh? Well, let me ask you this. How many of you have ever dreamed of being in that movie?
+Well, you're in luck. 'Cause we're gonna act out a scene and I'll need a volunteer to play Obi Wan.
+Kenobi?!
+Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Pick me! My whole life has been leading to this moment!
+Aw, like hell it has! If anyone's gonna play Obi, it's me!
+All right, step away, you foolish amateurs. Keep back! Keep out of it! The role is mine! With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke! Luke! Save me!" with the lightsaber and the vwing, vwing, vwiing.
+That's not how you vwing!
+We're doooomed! Doooooomed!
+Oh God, can't this town go one day without a riot?
+Gadzooks! Where are my bodyguards?
+Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?
+If there is, I don't want to know about it.
+Oh, dear. Oh, my.
+We're screwed. Use your light saber.
+What, and break it? You know, George Lucas makes me pay for these.
+Take him! He's the one you want!
+Not the hair! Back off, you freaking dweebs!
+Oh, poor Mark Hamill.
+That swarm of nerds is gonna kill him!
+Neeerrrds!
+Get out of there!
+Mr. Hamill, Mr. Mayor, come on!
+Who are you?
+Homer Simpson -- nerd buster. And I'm gettin' you out of here!
+I can't, Homer. I twisted my ankle. You guys go on without me!
+Follow me.
+Oh, how was I supposed to know it's not a real spaceship?
+Dad, over here!
+Oh, my God. Someone has to go back in for Maggie!
+Forget Maggie! She's gone!
+I've got Maggie.
+Wow, that was close. Well, thanks a lot, Homer.
+Well, it's all-- Hey, I thought you twisted your ankle.
+Oh, yeah, well, see, the thing about that is...
+Hey, boss, we were just talking about you.
+You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired!
+Fired, huh? Who else are you gonna find to take a bullet for ya?
+Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery?
+I'll tell you who. Him!
+Woo hoo!
+Homer, I don't think you were listening to what he just--
+I said, "woo hoo."
+As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your pro-tectee. Not to your family. Not to your country. Not to Moohamed.
+Even during Ramadan?
+Shut your sass-hole, boy.
+These melons represent your pro-tectees. Throughout this course, you will pro-tect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary.
+Okay, listen up! My goal is to assassinate that watermelon. Your job is to take the bullet. Go! Go! Go! Go! Pow!
+Well, your dive wasn't bad. But I just didn't believe your "Nooo!" You gotta sell it. Remember, your "Nooo!" is what gets you your next job. Now drop and gimme twenty.
+You ladies are without a doubt the most sorrowful clique at the dance -- not one of you fit to guard a Russian rock band!
+However, your checks have cleared, so you all graduate. Congratulations.
+And now, in honor of your achievement, here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, "The Bodyguard."
+"AND I-I-I-E-E-I-I-I-E-E-I-I-I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOUUU!..." Ha!
+Oh, for Pete's sake.
+The pig is in the poke.
+You know, I really don't care for that code name.
+Look out, Marge! Cat!
+I know you're excited about starting your new job, but could you just relax for now?
+Hold it! What's your clearance?
+We just want to get a snack.
+Access denied.
+But, Da--
+Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.
+They'll be fine in half an hour.
+That's not the point. And another thing. I asked you to take out the garbage three days ago and you still haven't--
+Hmm, still half an hour till dinner. Oh, well...
+It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir.
+Just remember, you represent the office of the mayor, so always comport yourself in a manner befitting-- Quick! Honk at that broad!
+Good work, Simpson. I couldn't be happier with the way that went.
+Hey Homer, I told you not to come 'round here no more till you paid your tab. Or at least cleaned up that mess you made in the bathroom. Now y--
+Mayor Quimby?! Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor?
+Well, then you start it.
+Shove off, puke-holes. Get out of there! These stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies.
+Heh. Here's a couple of Düffenbraus, on the house, of course.
+Semi-imported. Keep 'em comin'.
+Your generosity is greatly appreciated, especially during this health inspection season.
+Oh yeah, yeah, right. Health inspection. That reminds me.
+Your change, sir.
+We're workin' on that roach situation, I swear to God.
+Eh, you should see the hospital.
+... And after Moe's, we went to Krustyburger and the mayor got some more change, and I ordered a double double, but they gave me the double double double double. And then Apu gave the Mayor lots of change for...
+Dad, don't you see what's going on?
+That "change" was a bribe.
+Oh, honey, don't be so naive. That's how the world works. Sure, the mayor takes a few bribes, but he also makes the trains run on time.
+No he doesn't. Trains are regulated by the Federal Department of Transportation. And recent studies have shown that...
+Thank you, Mayor Quimby, for honoring us with the school milk concession.
+Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk, and I need my...
+Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem.
+Thank you, Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.
+So, how'd you get the nickname "Legs"?
+Well, that's an interesting story. It seems President Kennedy's father...
+Oooh, mini-cannoli!
+Hey! I called that! I saw it first! Come back here!
+Milking room? I hope you cows are decent.
+Oh! Crap on a crutch!
+They're milking rats! Milk-ing rats!
+Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.
+Bart, no!
+Hey, my milk! I traded my math book for that!
+Dad! What a nice surprise.
+Oh, get that away from me!
+Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk. Ever.
+Can I still drink it?
+Go nuts.
+All right!
+You... monster! How could you do that to the children?!
+Those wacky gangsters. What are you gonna do?
+And to think, I respected you! And defended you! You wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me!
+Okay, we'll call it even.
+Oh my God, I killed the mayor. All right, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce, à la "Weekend at Bernie's," and...
+Help! Help!
+His corpse is climbing the building!
+I'm alive, you idiot! Pull me in!
+A-- Wait a second. I'm not saving you unless you promise to get that rats' milk out of the schools.
+But the gangsters will kill me.
+You're forgetting, you've got the best bodyguard in the business. Now promise, or I'll let you fall to your death.
+All right! All right, I promise.
+Shake on it?
+Relax, you're in good hands. Now come on, I'll pull you up.
+Not so fast. I can see into the interns' restroom from here.
+Did you know that this is how FDR met Eleanor?
+All right. Pull me up.
+Six queens. Read 'em and weep.
+Not so fast. Seven queens.
+Freeze, goombahs! We're shuttin' ya down, ya filthy Italians.
+Oh right, right. Filthy Italian-Americans.
+Gentlemen, if you would simply consult my dear friend, Mayor Quimby, I am confident this can be--
+Not this time, Fat Tony. The mayor's office is not for sale.
+Can you, uh, edit out the laughs?
+I am not so much disappointed as I am blinded with rage.
+Ooh, the Mafia guy's all mad. Oh, what are you gonna do? Call your Godfather? Huh? Ooh, Godfather. Break it down!
+It's pure. Pull the plug, boys.
+Run free, little vermin. The city is yours!
+... And so, as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers, the circle of life is complete.
+Ah, Fat Tony. Do you have any comment?
+I don't get it. Everyone loves rats, but they don't want to drink the rats' milk?
+Huh. Any words for the mayor?
+Hello, Mayor Quimby. I would like to remind you that accidents will happen. Like the killing of you by us.
+Aren't you scared, Dad? I mean, if I were Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell, gettin' madder and madder.
+Oh, don't worry about that, boy. He's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.
+You're guarding the mayor tonight? After Fat Tony swore revenge?
+It's my duty, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, would you go start Daddy's car?
+What? There's nothing to worry about.
+All right, fine. I'll take a cab.
+Homer, I'm, uh, not sure it's wise to go out right now. I was thinking of a quiet evening at home with the, uh... wife.
+Oh, I get it. You're worried about those mobsters, aren't ya?
+No, no, I truly do want to stay home with the... wife.
+You've gotta snap out of this funk, Mayor. I'm gonna take you someplace where you can relax and forget all about gangsters.
+Uh, excuse me...
+Nnyyeeeeeesss?
+Do you have a table for the mayor?
+Nnyyeeeeeesss.
+Why do you talk that way?
+I had a stroooke.
+Dear Lord, please make tonight's production better than "Othello" with Peter Marshall.
+Okay, Mr. Burns, Fat Tony, what's-his-name... Fat Tony?!
+All right, Fat Tony. If it's trouble with Quimby you're after--
+Please, I am only here as a devotee of the lively arts. But I do have something for the mayor that perhaps you could deliver.
+Mayor, Fat Tony asked me to give you this--
+You moron! That's the Kiss of Death!
+Oh no. Wait... maybe I didn't do it right.
+Never mind that, just go patrol the perimeter.
+Ah, au gratin potatoes, that's a quality side.
+Nooooooooo!!!
+Potatoes are clean. The poison must be in the steak.
+"... GUYS AND DOLLS. WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF CRAZY GUYS AND DOLLS. OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, GUYS AND DOLLS...!" "AND OH THOSE DOLLS! WE'RE DANCING, YEAH, YEAH, YE-AH! AND GAMBLING, YEAH, YEAH, YE-AH!"
+Yesss! Nobody messes with the mayor when Homer Simpson's on -- Aw, crap.
+This is a conceptual nightmare. I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this. And this song isn't even in the show.
+I don't have time for this. I've got seventy five shortcakes to strawberry. Now get out there, Luke.
+... GUYS AND DOLLS. WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF CRAZY GUYS AND DOLLS!
+"OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, GUYS AND DOLLS!" "AND HOODS AND MOLLS! WE'RE DANCING, YEAH, YEAH, YE-AH! AND GAMBLING, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAAAH!"
+I want the mayor dead... I want his wife dead... I want his cat and his dog dead....
+Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, who was before the cat?
+Just kill the mayor.
+You're not mad at me, are ya?
+"... LUKE, BE A JEDI TONIGHT. JUST BE A JEDI TONIGHT..."
+DO IT FOR YODA WHILE WE SERVE OUR GUESTS A SODA...
+"AND DO IT FOR CHEWIE AND THE EWOKS, AND ALL THE OTHER PUPPETS..."
+LUKE BE A JEDI TONIGHT.
+Hey! You're in this number. Get out there and shake that money maker!
+But I'm just here to kill... Wha--
+That guy with the knife sure can dance, huh?
+He looks awfully familiar.
+I think I saw him in "Rent," or "Stomp," or "Clomp," or some piece of crap.
+Hey, pal, that's my head shot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it!
+You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished Jedi school.
+Show's over, Mayor!
+Look out!
+Gimme that knife!
+No, it's mine!
+Homer... use... the forrr...
+The force?!
+The forks... use the forks...!
+Oh, Fat Tony.
+What? What did I do?
+I checked with the doctor. He said Mayor Quimby's gonna be fine... and I was electric as Nathan Detroit. What did you think of me?
+Ohh, I'd say you were luminous, magnetic, incandescent.
+Ohh... cheer up, Homer. I think you made a great bodyguard.
+Really? Would you say I was magnetic?
+Absolutely.
+Mr. Skywalker! Mr. Skywalker!
+Homer, I think you know what to do.
+Shoot! I forgot my light saber.
+Oh, wait, here it is.
+Get out of the way you--
+This is Kent Brockman live at the Monty Burns Casino. Moments from now, the house that social security checks built will be demolished to make way for a casino-themed family hotel.
+This must be heartbreaking for you, sir.
+I'm just thinking of my employees -- all the card sharps, bottom dealers, and shills. Where will they go?
+They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir.
+Excellent.
+Gone are such headliners as "Little Timmy and the Shebangs," "The Shebangs," and "The New Shebangs featuring Big Timmy."
+Remember how excited we were when this place opened? Then a week later, we just forgot about it.
+I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town.
+Oh, I can explain that. You see...
+Five... four... three...two..
+All right! Here comes the implosion!
+Implosion? But I thought you said...
+Hockey puuuuucks...
+Don Rickles zinged you, Marge.
+Dust!!!
+Eat my dust, dust!
+Dad, we hit Don Rickles!
+I'm okay. But the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps! Just kiddin'. "I'm a nice guy..."
+We'd better stop and get the car washed.
+Aaah, what's the rush? Might rain next week.
+Hey, Homer. Car's kinda dirty.
+Really? You think I should get it washed?
+Yeah, maybe.
+You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.
+Hey, that's great.
+All right, young'uns, bath time! Cover up your eyes and drop your britches. Who wants wax?
+I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers, particularly this one... which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike.
+No hablo Ingles, senor.
+Wow, you can't find this stuff anywhere! Seals and Crofts, Pablo Cruise, Air Supply, Ohhhh, Loggins and Oates! And it's free!
+I've never heard of these bands, Mom. What kind of music do they play?
+Crap rock?
+Wuss rock?
+That's it.
+Ten dollars?! What is this, a car wash for millionaires?
+Throw hot wax on him, Dad!
+Howdy, Homer.
+Five dollars, please.
+Hey! How did Churchy La Femme get half price?
+Senior citizen's discount.
+Senior citizen? Flanders?
+Well, we'll see about that.
+Mesquite it is!
+... And once again, tithing is ten per cent off the top. That's gross income, not net. Please people, don't force us to audit.
+Now we're going to pass this around a second time. Brother Ned, if you'll do the honors.
+I wouldn't do that, Reverend. You see, "Saint Flanders" is as crooked as you or me!
+/ What's he talking about? / What's he saying? / Who is he? / etc.
+That's right, it's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash. How, you ask? With a phony senior discount card!
+Well, that's not quite true--
+Did you or did you not use a senior citizen discount card at said car wash?
+Well, I did, but--
+Now I'm not a fancy big-city lawyer...
+But it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over 55. Isn't that so?
+Well, yes.
+And you are how old?
+I suppose, if you must know... I'm... well, I'm... I'm sixty.
+/ My God, he looks so good. / He looks terrific. He looks so young. / Oh, really?
+What's your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta? Monkey sweat?
+Some kind of electric hat?
+Holy water? It's holy water, right?!
+Aaah, it burns!
+L-Listen, folks, there's no magic formula. I just follow the three C's: clean living, chewing thoroughly, and a daily dose of Vitamin Church.
+/ Oh, well...
+And, of course, I resist all the major urges.
+All of them?!
+You mean, you've never splurged and, say, eaten an entire birthday cake, then blamed it on the dog?
+You've never licked maple syrup off your lover's stomach?
+You mean that one with the red paint?
+You've never snuck out of church to break into cars?
+No, no, and double-no! I haven't done any of those things, folks. You name it, I haven't done it!
+Geez, Flanders. You're 60 years old, and you haven't lived a day in your life.
+Yeah, even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards.
+Oh, can you believe it? It almost seemed like those folks were, were, were making fun of old steady Neddy.
+Well, you may be a bit cautious, but what's wrong with that? Some people like chunky peanut butter, some like smooth.
+Mmm-hmm. And some people steer clear of that whole hornet's nest. I'll stick with just plain white bread, thank you very much. Maybe with a--
+Glass of water on the side for dippin'.
+Gosh darn it! Am I that pre-diddley-dictable? I've wasted my whole dang diddley life.
+Hey there!
+Look at that! Everyone's living it up except Ned.
+Help! We're being carjacked!
+Don't get clever, old man. Now take us to Dress Barn.
+Where've you been, Neddy?
+In the bathroom. Not trimmin' my mustache. Whaddaya think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby?
+No, you remind me of silly billy Ned Flanders.
+Would a silly billy sit like this?
+Rod, call Doctor Stein.
+All right, Bart!
+Fire in the hole!
+Okay, no more gasoline.
+Full power!
+Never a dull moment, huh, Homer?
+You got that right. Throw on the mesquite, Bart!
+Here, this may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer. But I, I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun.
+Well, well, well. So flawless Flanders needs help from stinky-pants Simpson.
+Yeah, I, I guess I do.
+Welly, welly, welly... Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus Magee.
+How 'bout it, Homer? Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
+Wellity, wellity, wellity...
+Stop that! Will you help me or not?
+Let's do it.
+So what about all this meat?
+Eh, the Missus will clean that up.
+Now it's Marge's time to shine!
+First of all, I get five dollars a day plus expenses.
+Seems fair.
+And I'll need your signature... here, here, aaannnnd... initial here.
+Heh, you're not really giving my father power of attorney, are you?
+Of course I... Oh, my stars! I can't do that.
+Well that's unfortunate. It really is.
+All right.
+Congratulations! Welcome to the Homer Simpson Program.
+So, what happens next?
+One day soon I will come for you, and then the game will begin. Could be in the middle of the night. It could be when you least expect it. Or whatever's good for you. I don't care.
+Okay, Homer. I'm ready to learn. What's the first lesson? Just give me the topic sentence.
+Gimme that!
+That's your problem. You're living up here.
+You gotta live down here.
+In the impulse zone. If you want to be like me, you gotta make snap decisions. Like this.
+We're going to break the bank at the Monty Burns Casino!
+You mean Lisa?
+Homer, they blew that up yesterday.
+Oh yeah, right.
+Then we're goin' to Las Vegas! Which is actually back in that direction.
+"Nobody's goin' to take my Ned / I'll teach him to have fu-un / Ooh, he's a Flanders machine..."
+That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas!
+Eh, too many kids.
+Ooh, it's goin' on eight-thirty. I'd better call Maude and tell her where I am.
+Relax, I called her from the gas station.
+Thanks, buddy.
+Sucker.
+Oh, gee, Homer, this all looks so garish.
+Oh, the lights, the noise, the letter X -- i-it's all designed to inflame the senses. I'm overstimulated! I gotta get out of this town!
+I don't think so.
+I think you'll find escape is quite impossible.
+No, I got it.
+Oh! Oh! Would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial?
+Help me! My daughter's not talented!
+Hey! Lance Murdock!
+If he's not careful, his scooter could roll right down that ramp.
+He's a daredevil, Ned. He laughs at death.
+Oh, when I wanna laugh, I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much.
+And now, the indestructible Lance Murdock will jump his SuiCycle over an audience member. And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe on his head. Any volunteers?
+Ooh, ooh, ooh, pick him! Pick him!
+No, Homer, no! I wanna do something exciting, but I can't just go from zero to thirty like that! I-I could be killed.
+Fine, I'll do it. Where do you want me?
+On the X.
+Uh, yeah, paint. Now, it's of critical importance that you don't--
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out. This isn't rocket science.
+Well, actually, there are several rockets mounted to the--
+Bo-ring.
+Okay, he's cleared the ring of fire! Past the ring of ice! Over the dog doo stick! He's cracked the safe!
+Hey Flanders, Don't spill my beer!
+Oh God, lay down! Lay down!
+He's all right, folks!
+Okey-doke, let's hit the tables.
+God Homer, watching you risk your life turned my beat box all the way up to .. Rumba! Yea, I was praying you'd be safe but to be honest, part of me wanted to see ya get splattered.
+Oh, I think someone just had his first taste of blood loss.
+Let's see... what's Marge's birthday? Barney is July fifteenth, same as Lassie's, so Marge's must be... fifty... oh, forget it. Flanders, what's your birthday?
+Aw, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy seven--
+Seven, eh?
+Seven a winner.
+Way to go, Flanders. The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers?
+Oh, I got a bunch, Homer, but I just don't feel right ab... Oh, Lord, what should I do?
+Keep gaming.
+J-- What?
+It means gambling. Keep gambling.
+Oh, righty-o. One betting disk please.
+"One betting disk please." Watch and learn.
+Aaand, fourteen black.
+Well, there you go. Now how 'bout a drink?
+How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, "Think"?
+Oh no. I-I mean common sense.
+Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol. You might want to write that down. Where the hell's your notebook?
+You threw it out the...
+Oh, never mind. Just pay attention.
+Slave girl? Oh, slave girl?
+More libations, my imperial conquerors?
+More booze?
+Oh, yeah. Two more of these, please.
+And for you, Ned?
+I'll have a Shirley... no, a virgin... no, make it a children's... Oh, what the heck, you only live once. Give me a...
+White wine spritzer!
+Oh my goodness, Homer. Wake up!
+Look at this place! We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing!
+Welcome to my world.
+Oh, I did it! I conquered my fears and I made up for a lot of lost livin'. And I owe it all to the Homer Simpson program.
+The what now?
+Well, it's about time you two woke up.
+Well, of course a-- Who are you?
+Who am I? I'm Mrs. Ned Flanders.
+Hey, smooth move, Flanders!
+And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson!
+Here comes that vomit again.
+Okay... okay... okay... okay... okay... okay... okay. Okay, you're saying that Ned and me married you two?
+Oh yeah, we're hitched, all right.
+'Til death do us part.
+Mm-hm, I'm workin' on that.
+Ned, no! Think of your wives!
+Wait a minute. This could be some kind of scam -- or possibly, scam-ola. We would remember if we got married.
+Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo.
+Take a look at this.
+Ahh, precious memories.
+I okeley dokely shmokely do!
+And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met to be your lawfully wedded wife?
+What did you call me?
+Do you want to get married? Married!
+Sure. Sock it to me, baby.
+By the power vested in me by the Chicago Outfit, I now pronounce you husbands and wives.
+We are so dead.
+Ladies, we want to do the honorable thing. So breakfast is on us, with full waffle-bar privileges. But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news. The waffle bar is closed. I'm sorry. I'm so very--
+Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives.
+Well, you can't be very happy with them if you married us.
+You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had, and we're not giving you up without a fight.
+But Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be.
+Ginger's my wife.
+Are you sure? Oh, rats. No offense, Sweetie.
+Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelettes?
+Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast.
+What are we gonna do, Homer? My kids are gonna be traumatized! And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude!
+I don't know, Flanders, having two wives could have its advantages.
+Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig. Chop, chop, dig, dig...
+You know, Homie, there's so much more two wives could do for you.
+I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping.
+Ooh, a friendly bee.
+Ow, that sting hurt so much. We gotta get outta this, Ned.
+Well, do something! This is all your fault. You and your stupid program.
+Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the program. The program is rock solid. The program is sound.
+Yoohoo.
+Oh, those awful women want their omelettes.
+Ginger throws Ned a kiss.
+How are we going to get outta this mess in an honorable and decent--
+Ooh, nuts.
+I don't know. Omelettes have a lot of fat in them.
+Forget it, you're married. Let yourself go. Hey, they're running away!
+How can a fat man run so fast?
+No, the fat one's mine.
+Yea. Come on baby, show Gil a four.
+Oh no, why did I bet the company payroll? Ohhh, ol' Gil's in a lot of trouble.
+Somebody help! Our husbands are trying to ditch us!
+Someone dishonoring their marriage vows? Not in Las Vegas! Attention all employees. We've got two runaways! Stop them!
+A lion!
+Drederick Tatum!
+Your behavior is.. is unconscionable!
+The Moody Blues!
+Cold-hearted Homer ditching his wife / While ancient Ned runs for his life /
+Chips of red and blue and white / But we decide...
+Can the poems, it's ass-whuppin' time.
+I want fatty.
+What if we switched wives? Would that help?
+For the last time, no!
+Hel-lo. Our ticket to freedom.
+So long, su--
+Get out and stay out!
+Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners. Take your money and go someplace else.
+Why did he disrespect us?
+And don't you ever try to marry us again!
+We found some guys who know how to treat a woman.
+But Amber, I can change!
+Will you shut up?
+All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and Maude. We were out buying them fabulous gifts...
+What's the occasion?
+Because we love them, Jackass.
+Anyhoo, we came out of Walmart, when suddenly one hundred spaceships...
+You're right, you're right. Fifty spaceships, beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America.
+Uh, do I have to be gang-probed?
+Would you rather tell Maude the truth?
+What did the aliens look like?
+Well, I only saw them from the back, 'cause they were so busy gang probing you.
+Hello, little birdie.
+Ah!! Cover your eyes!
+O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE...
+"... AND THE HOME... HOME OF THE BRA-AVE / OH, AMERICA'S THE HOME OF THE BRA-AVE! THE BRAVE, AMERICA THE BRAVE, THE BRAVE! HOME OF THE BRA-AVE" Thank you, Springfield! I love you! Peace!
+Thank you, Cyndi Lauper...
+Just a reminder, folks, we do have a baseball game today.
+I am Dennis Conroy, and heeere come your Isotopes!
+Let's welcome two new additions to the team...
+... Smash Diggins and Fishbone Walker. Lucky for us, they were sent down from the majors for drug violations.
+Oh, stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get out of here!
+Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
+Because, I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie: never love anything.
+Even you?
+Especially me.
+But you've gotta support the team, Dad. They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.
+That's right. Like my mother always said, you've gotta stick it out, even if you picked a loser. To the bitter end.
+First pitch of the game...
+That's a rotator cuff. His career's over.
+I'm going to warm up the car.
+But there's only been one pitch!
+And it sucked!
+Bases loaded, two outs, bottom of the ninth, and it's do or die.
+"HITLER IS A JERK, MUSSOLINI..."
+That'll bring up Babe Ruth the fourth. Of course, he's no Babe Ruth the third... but the franchise is very excited about this illegitimate great-grand-bambino...
+And, what's this? He's pointing to the right field bleachers! Probably at a dying little boy.
+Mom, am I dying?
+No, of course not!
+Is he, Mom? You can tell me.
+Now he's pointing to the ground. Is he indicating a bunt? Yes, he's bunting!
+Good hustle, kid.
+NOW IT DOESN'T WORK.
+So, who won? The losers?
+No, they lost.
+Losers.
+But only by two points. And they didn't resort to stealing bases like the other team, so it's kind of a moral victory.
+With a little middle relief, they might even make the playoffs.
+You'll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens.
+Homer, would you please stop talking about the children's graves?
+What's the hubub? Did Moe finally blow his brains out?
+Quiet! We're watchin' the Isotopes!
+Shut it off. They're losers.
+Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire!
+Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise.
+Now we're in the championship game.
+Championship?
+Wooooo! 'Topes ruuuule!
+Well, here's a die-hard fan. Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts?
+Oh, it's a great team, Kent... never gave up hope... I want to thank Jesus... and say hi to my special lady Marge... We did it, baby! Wooooo! Woooooo!
+The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team, even if they lose this ga--
+They lost? Those losers!
+No, no, no, the game's not over --
+Woo! Not over! Wooooo!
+There you have it. Woo.
+Bottom of the ninth, two outs. It all comes down to this. And here's the pitch...
+Jumping Jesus! He got all of that one! It's going... going... going...
+Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski.
+It's out of here! 'Topes win!
+Nobody touched my rumaki.
+Woo! Rumaki!
+Isotoooopes! Wooo!
+Iso-topes!
+Iso-topes!
+Isotopes!
+Hey, a baseball field! Batter up!
+/ Hurray! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! / Whoa baby!
+Steal second!
+I think I'm gonna puke!
+Hey, who's on first?!
+Touchdown!
+Hey, Carl -- Isotopes!
+WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS / WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS / YOU GOT MUD ON YOUR FACE / BIG DISGRACE...
+Whoop! Careful.
+Wow, you look really hungover, Dad. What did you do last night?
+Last night?
+Hello, big Maggie.
+Yes! Yes! Yes!
+Someone trashed the school!
+What the dilly-yo?
+... Where this morning the three "R"'s stand for rowdiness, ransacking, and i-rresponsibility. Any suspects, Chief?
+None. That's why we're jumping to the conclusion that this was the work of no good punk kids.
+Therefore, effective immediately, I am imposing a curfew: any kid caught on the street after dark will be shot. Or returned to their parents, as the situation may warrant.
+Whoa / Curfew?
+Serves you little punks right. Maybe next time you'll think befo--
+Oh, my God! Look what those rotten kids did to my car!
+The Bloodening.
+The cops can't just slap a curfew on us. We have rights.
+Sure you do. You have the right to remain silent.
+That was cold-blooded, Marge.
+But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything!
+Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish. Kidnapping. Child abuse...
+What about adultery?
+Not until you're older, son.
+Ice cream truck!!!
+Hey watch it! / Quit pushing! / Stop!
+Hey! Hey! Quit pushin'! I was here first! Get out of my way!
+Achtung, babies!
+Curfew is in effect... return to your homes immediately...
+All right, let's see some I.D.s, boys.
+You two scofflaws are violating curfew. I'm taking you downtown. Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert.
+Not at all, officer.
+What a beautiful night... fireflies, full moon...
+And here we are, locked inside.
+Kids, the carnival's in town for one night only! And they've got cotton candy and hats with feathers and there's no lines because all the stupid kids have curfew! So-- Oh, right. Sorry.
+Why don't you kids play one of your old board games?
+When was the last time you played Citizenship?
+Energy Shortage.
+Hippo in the House.
+Ooh, "The Game of Lent."
+Can't we just go to bed?
+It's only 5:30.
+Fine. We'll play "Hippo in the House."
+Oh, the hippo's missing...
+You think that's bad. I had to talk to my mom all night. She's got problems. Scary problems.
+Adults blow.
+Yeah. Just look at 'em over there...
+Smoking their cigarettes...
+Drinking their coffee...
+Scratching their big butts...
+Your metabolism will change someday, too, young man.
+That oughta show little Timmy and Tammy Scumbag who's in charge around here.
+Gee, Chief, all those gears and motors must've cost a fortune.
+Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou.
+You wanna hold it for a while?
+Marge, kite.
+Hey, there is one thing we could do.
+Lis! No! It's prime-time!
+You robbed me of my manhood!
+That's petty theft.
+Oooooh!
+Don't go there!
+"Don't Go There" will be right back.
+Oh no, it won't.
+Wait, there's a commercial!
+/ Ohh, yeahhhh.
+Forty years ago, a film appeared that was so shocking, so terrifying it was sealed in a concrete vault deep beneath the earth. But even the new management of Sony/Tri-star could not contain the pure evil of... "The Bloodening."
+Milhouse, do you see what's on Channel six?
+Uh, yeah... i-it's really something.
+A registered nurse, trained in the treatment of terror, will be on duty during the showing of...
+Now playing at the Springfield Drive-In. After dark.
+Milhouse, spread the word! We're seeing this movie -- tonight! That's right, we're breaking curfew!
+Breakin' curfew, Mom.
+We're out of Skoal!
+Due to the likelihood of fear-induced heart attacks, we're offering all patrons million-dollar life insurance policies.
+Life insurance? Hmmm... Will I be able to borrow against the equity?
+I don't know, sir. It comes free with the popcorn.
+Is that air-popped?
+Skinner!
+We're losing valuable make-out time!
+Little help?
+Nelson.
+Get off of my moor, ya mischievous weans!
+Actually we'd prefer to stay.
+You're thinking about hurting us.
+Now you're thinking, "How did they know what I was thinking?"
+Now you're thinking "I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers."
+Wow! / They showed him!
+Mannn, I never liked Shakespeare until now.
+'Right, you little blighters. We've had quite enough of your evil mischief.
+But you're the one who's been bad. You've been sneaking puddings.
+But... but... how did you know?
+We know all your secrets.
+And you pilfered the poor-box.
+And Doctor, we know that you and the bootblack have been rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop.
+Lies! / How dare you!
+Get them! Quickly!
+We can't have that.
+Take that you suckers! / Yeah! / In your face, fishwife! /
+Enjoying the movie, kids?
+Listen up, punks. The moral of the story is, the adults always win.
+For cryin' out loud, Eddie. You scared the hell out of me!
+Sorry, Chief.
+Don't forget to clean under the jowls! That spot is Club Med for mildew.
+And let this be a lesson to you. Kids never learn.
+Oh, that is it. I am tired of being pushed around by grownups! It's time to fight back!
+Yeah! / Fight back!
+Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie, we could read the adults' minds and tell their secrets and make 'em pitchfork each other and junk!
+Yeah! / Junk! / Yeah!
+Wait! We don't need supernatural powers! We already know their secrets.
+She's right! Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers.
+My Mom shoplifts. All the time. Stuff she doesn't even need.
+My Dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
+Great. This is all gold.
+We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet.
+No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter. And I think I know how. Why don't we...
+Attention hemline and midriff monitors --
+Willie, get my Windex!
+Last call!
+Two hundred channels and nothing but cats.
+So, Marge, ready for another episode of "Don't Go There"?
+I'm tired of that show. But I've been hearing good things about "Talk to the Hand." Tom Shales says the writing "snaps, crackles and pops."
+Okay, whatever takes my mind off my life.
+Hey, look what I found. Grampa's old radio. Oh, wouldn't it be grand to gather 'round and have a listen?
+Well, turn something on. I'm starting to think.
+Good evening, adults.
+... we interrupt this broadcast to bring you a very special presentation. Tonight's program is entitled...
+We Know All Your Secrets.
+Bo-ring. Go back to that infamy guy.
+Constable Wiggum likes to act tough. But he also likes to walk the beat in control-top pantyhose?
+Heh. Heh. Well, It's not like that's a crime.
+I'm afraid it is, Chief.
+And Schoolmistress Krabappel has been stealing supplies from the school cafeteria.
+Edna, how could you? Don't get up. I'll bus my own tray.
+Now we come to Mr. Homer Simpson...
+Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage?
+Oh, Homer...
+I have a problem.
+Tune in tomorrow, and every day until the curfew is lifted. Because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
+Well, at least they've already done me.
+And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
+Taped and corked.
+I've called this meeting to determine what to do about those blabber-mouthed kids and their creepy English accents.
+Hey, shut up, Mayor! They're tellin' secrets again!
+Oh, I hope they don't reveal this is a comb-over.
+Our top secret tonight: Gay divorcée Luann Van Houten has been cheating on her boyfriend Pyro -- with his best friend, Gyro.
+How many times have I fought beside you, Gyro -- and this is how you repay me?
+Pyro, Gyro, settle down.
+Can't we shut down that infernal transmitter?
+Can we just blow it up?
+Go ahead, girlfriend.
+Settle down, people. As we speak, Chief Wiggum is tracking down those little squealers, using the latest in crime-fighting technology.
+Ahh, I got nothin'. How 'bout you, Frinky?
+I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors and compressing the data down in order to express it as a function of my hand. They're over thereee.
+And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license...
+... that's right, Homer Simpson.
+Freeze, ya little shock jocks!
+Brilliant. They transduced amplitude modulation via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean that is some clever goyvin.
+All right, you kids come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.
+Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!
+You can't make us come down.
+You adults are always giving us orders!
+Well, you kids are always disobeying them!
+Perfect.
+Adults treat kids like children!
+Kids treat adults like cash machines!
+Adults! / Kids! / Adults! / Kids! / Adults!
+KIDS! / YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN, NOW WE'VE HAD OUR FILL.
+YEAH! / YOU'RE ONLY HERE 'CAUSE MARGE FORGOT HER PILL.
+KIDS! / YOU'RE ALL JUST SCANDALIZING VANDALIZING PUNKS.
+CHANNEL-HOPPIN' RIT'LIN-POPPIN' MONK-EYS / But please don't quit the fan club.
+KIDS! / I CAN NAG AND NAG TILL MY HAIR TURNS BLUE...
+KIDS! / YOU BUM MY SMOKES AND DON'T SAY THANK YOU...
+WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE WE ARE?...
+OH, WHAT A BUNCH OF BRATS.
+WE OUGHTA DROWN YOU JUST LIKE CATS!
+ADULTS! / YOU RUN OUR LIVES LIKE YOU'RE COLONEL KLINK.
+ADULTS! / YOU STRUT AROUND LIKE YOUR FARTS DON'T STINK!
+ADULTS! / YOU'RE SUCH A DROOLING SNORING, BOOZING BORING BUNCH / SURLY, MEANIE, THREE-MARTINI LUNCH-ERS.
+I just ate a thumbtack.
+ADULTS! / THEY'RE ALWAYS TELLING US TO--
+SHUT YOUR TRAPS!
+OY! WE'RE FED UP WITH ALL OF YOU WHIPPERSNAPS!
+WE'RE TRYIN' TO GET SOME SLEEP HERE / IT'S ALMOST SIX-FIFTEEN / WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH...
+DON'T YOU TREAT US LIKE...
+CAN'T YOU JUST LAY OFF...
+WE'RE SICK OF ALL OF YOU...
+KIDS... TOOO... DAAAAY!
+We're gonna teach all of you rugrats a lesson!
+Oh yeah? What can you old people do to us?
+Yeah, you old fogies!
+Buzz off, you old buzzards!
+Yeah, we're scared!
+Someone should iron you.
+This is Kent Brockman reporting from my own home in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under seventy.
+I can't believe it passed.
+I warned you guys that seniors always vote in record numbers.
+The controversial measure passed by a single vote.
+You really should have voted, Homer.
+Pfft. It wouldn't have made a difference.
+Lights out, you punk kids!
+Yay! We took back the night!
+Hey, fellas! Hey, you wanna stop with the kicking?
+My pills were in that can! Good gravy. I don't kick your things. When you're tryin' to breathe on the machine do I go off and kick it? Aw, now look at that it went down the sewer. You happy? I'm gonna sue now. Now it's time for the lawyers.
+Hey! Hey! Settle down, children. Now, who's ever wondered how the post office works? No one?
+I did, until we came here last year.
+Ah, yes. Last year... anyway, look. Here comes our guide for the day, Postmaster Bill.
+Howdy, pardners. Welcome to your post office!
+Wow, it's ours?
+Be with ya in a minute...
+This is the lobby, where customers come for all their postalistic needs.
+"Legends of Comedy," my tuchis! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done?
+This machine reads zip codes. These five digits tell us where to direct your mail.
+But it's nine digits now. What's the point of these other four numbers?
+Those are citizen relocation codes. With any luck, we'll never need 'em.
+She's on to us. Should I flood the chamber?
+Not yet. Let's get some lunch.
+Well, children, any questions for Postmaster Bill?
+You ever gone on a killing spree?
+No, no, the day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman shootin' up the place went out with the macarena.
+Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school.
+And this is where our employees gather to unwind after a hard day of serving the public.
+Bingo! Birthday card!
+Graduation...
+Ding, ding, ding, wedding!
+I'm sure you all heard of the Dead Letter Office. Well, as a souvenir of your visit, you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail.
+/ All right. / Cool.
+I'll take you!
+I got some dog food!
+I got my letter to Santa.
+A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece of junk?
+Happy Birthday, Dad.
+Wow, a Val-U-Qual coupon book!
+Let's see. Ten percent off carpet cleaning. Ten! Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's.
+Doughy's has terrible pizza.
+Yeah, but there's two!
+Oooh, "Free foot pain analysis?"
+Oh, Marge. That's just a trick to get you in there so they can cure your foot pain.
+I guess.
+See ya, kids. Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red... with savings! I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson and I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
+Um, Dad...
+Do you like piña colonics / And getting caught in the rain...
+It is to me.
+Passing out in the ocean...
+Now this wheel balancing is free, right?
+Oh, you betcha... absolutely... eh-- Uh-oh, oh, oh, wait a minute. These tires won't take a balance.
+They won't?
+Nah. Nah. No. You hear that clunk?
+Well, that tells me you need four new tires.
+Really?
+Yeah. Legally, I can't even let you drive out of here on these.
+Oh, please, can't you let me slide this time?
+Gee, I'd really like to, but if my boss found out I...
+All right, what's goin' on over here? Were you gonna let this man drive out of here on unsafe tires?
+No, boss. I swear.
+Uh, that's it. You're fired!
+No! Wait! This is all my fault! Oh, if I could only turn back the clock and buy four new tires...
+Oh, I know that look. You came in for the free wheel balance and now it's costing you five hundred Simoleans.
+Six with the tip.
+Hey, you got off easy. I just came in to use the phone and they got me for the whole Road King package. Alignment, shocks, Armour All, stem lube...
+Stem lube. Even I didn't fall for that... Although winter is coming...
+Man, we are a couple of Grade "A" suckers. Wally Kogen.
+Hey, I know you. We were in the same pyramid scheme.
+Oh, don't remind me. "Friends Helping Friends," my ass. Say, you wanna grab a beer while we're waiting?
+Yeah. I'm gettin' tired of them pointing and laughing at us.
+The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. I mean, when you think about it...
+Football's so great.
+But now the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys.
+Bye weeks. Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks. And now he's dead. Well, maybe they're a good thing.
+Yeah, how 'bout that Super Bowl? You goin' this year?
+Me? Nah. Unless there's a coupon for it. Nah.
+Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency.
+We've got a charter bus goin' down to the game. You help us fill it, you can ride for free.
+Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl?
+Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do?
+Yeah, you. Get your hand off my wife's leg.
+It's a deal. Hey, Moe. Wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl?
+Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it: the Atlanta Falcons . Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons .
+Yeah, they're good. But I wouldn't count out the... Denver Broncos .
+I hear that President Clinton is going to be watching with his wife Hillary .
+C'mon, Lenny. I just need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bus. Whaddaya say?
+C'mon!...
+Oh, c'mon!...
+Yes! Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino.
+I'm so happy you're going to the big game. My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi Ballet.
+Yeah, yeah. Do we have any pencils that work?
+Wow, you've signed up quite a few people, Dad: Sea Captain, Bumblebee Man, Comic Book Guy, the Squeaky Voiced Teen...
+Yeah, it's a good group.
+I gotta hand it to you, Homer. It's really a good group.
+Yeah. Not a dame in sight.
+Aw, thank God! Now we can stop holding it in.
+All aboard for Miami!
+Oh, no.
+I don't know if I can last that long.
+Super Bowl, please. And step on it.
+Hey, wait up!
+Aw, crap. It's that pip-squeak Rudy.
+What is it, Rudy?
+Can I come, too?
+Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.
+But what I lack in size, I make up for in...obnoxiousness!
+Well, sports fans, I see you've located the beer supply, so let's all enjoy it in moderation.
+Hey, don't make me come back there. Seriously, now, if you have any questions, just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson.
+...Or me. B-Better ask me.
+It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
+Yeah, I'm bored too.
+Mm-hm. Hey, why don't we do one of those craft kits Aunt Patty always gives us?
+Oooh, how about paint-by-numbers?
+It's so rigid and uncreative.
+Okay... oh, leather craft.
+Oh, those poor, helpless cows.
+Mm-hm. What about clay? You got any problem with clay?
+Hey, what's this?
+Vincent Price's Egg Magic!
+Well, what are we waiting for?
+Keep-Away Lovejoy's collar!
+Now look what you've done.
+All right, all right, you guys have had way too much booze.
+Hey, beer here! / Over here! / Wiggum, give me a beer! / I'd like a free beer!
+C'mon, gimme an excuse!
+Pro Player Stadium. Super Bowl!
+Heh, heh, I'm sorry, the guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom.
+What bathroom?
+Uh, okay fellas, enjoy the pre-game fun!
+I don't want to be a Panicky Pete, but it's Sunday and I haven't been to church yet.
+No problem. The NFL's got you covered.
+... and that the wondering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home... Lord, hear our prayer. Can I get an amen to that.
+Cool, the NFL's oldest surviving player.
+I'm 53 years young!
+Hey, Troy Aikman!
+So Ned, you like dune buggies?
+Well, not, not my cup of...
+Sure you do. Everyone likes dune buggies.
+Great spiral, Daniel!
+Man, that hurts.
+'Scuse me, comin' through. Friends of Dan Marino.
+Okay, Dan. Fire away.
+I'm Dan's manager. This is Dan.
+Go long, son.
+Yes, sir!
+I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino! This is the greatest moment of my...
+Woo hoo! Homer Simpson with the pick!
+Hey, Bubba. Hacksaw. Get that moron.
+Uh-oh. Lateral, to Bart!
+My spine.
+Oh, honey. That is egg-ceptional.
+Okay, now we just have to stick the feet on.
+Right. Na--
+Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be right there.
+Hmm, Lisa, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm not finding any.
+But it clearly says "Feet Included." They have to be here.
+Nothing! I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product.
+Now what do we do?
+Let's call the company.
+Mom, this was made in 1967. They're probably out of business.
+Well, we'll just see. Murray Hill 5-9232...
+Hello, this is Vincent Price...
+It's Vincent Price! I thought he was dead.
+You should know the grave could never tame me.
+Oh, Mister Price, I loved you in The Abominable Doct...
+If you are calling about the missing feet, leave your address, and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by my grandson, Jody.
+And now, I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt. But I'll be back!
+So, is he alive or not?
+742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Oh, hiya, Maude! Come on in.
+Who needs tickets? Tickets right here. How 'bout you, Slick?
+Scalping tickets to the Super Bowl. Have you no shame, sir? I should give you a royal caning.
+Heh, heh. Right, Homer.
+Yeah, you gotta cane 'im up good, Homer.
+Hey, I'm just tryin' to make an honest buck.
+Aw, get lost, ya bloodsucking parasite. Wally and I have all the tickets we need.
+Uh, sorry fellas. But these tickets are counterfeit.
+What?! / Counterfeit?!
+Yeah. See, the hologram's missing. And there's no such team as the "Spongos." And finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker.
+Stop eating our tickets!
+Oh, how could I fall for fake tickets? Gee, the fellas are gonna be crestfallen.
+Yes, if by "crestfallen" you mean "kill us." Listen, let me talk to them. Maybe I can smooth this over.
+My friends...
+They don't have the tickets!
+Kill 'em!
+Please, my friends... Ow! All right, I'll get you into to the game!
+Excuse me, Uh, Mr. Scalper, sir. Have I told you that I love you?
+Forget it. You'll just hurt me like all the others.
+Okay, Moe. I believe you had me by the throat. Reverend Lovejoy was working the body...
+Wait, Dad, look!
+Gentlemen, I have an idea.
+Woo hoo!
+Get back here!
+We can still make the kickoff!
+Here comes the kick!
+As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough. But as a football fan...
+The Catholic Church. We've made a few changes.
+These Super Bowl commercials are weird.
+Just about ready for the second quarter here in Miami...
+I tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my Telestrator, and now the fans are screaming for more.
+Let us outta here!
+Relax, Simpson, relax. A little-known fact about jail cells is they always have one phony bar, for like, emergencies.
+Real... real... real... real... real. So, by the process of elimination, this one is the fake.
+Oh! Ah, ah, that's painful.
+Aw, nuts. That sounds like a touchdown.
+No, no, no, I know my roars and that was most definitely a safety.
+Oh, man.
+Gosh, fellas. To see y'all stuck in here, when even guys in China can watch all the action from their town squares or what have you, well, I just feel pretty doggone bad. If they were electing a president of Dumbville, I'd have to nominate me.
+You got my vote.
+Oh, we're never gonna get out of... Psst, cleaning lady. Would you let us out of here?
+Me? I'm Dolly Parton.
+I didn't ask for your life story. Just give me the key.
+Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say please. And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stomp.
+Dolly, wait!
+You know Dolly Parton?
+Yeah, I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood, and EuroDollywood. That's in Alabama.
+Wally Kogen, what are you doing in Super Bowl jail?
+Ask her if she'll go out with me.
+We had a little ticket snafu. Do you think you can bust ol' Wally and his pals outta the pokey?
+Well, I do have some of my extra-strength makeup remover. Shield your eyes.
+Thanks, Miss Parton.
+Oh, way to go, Dolly.
+Thank you.
+Will you go out with me?
+Oo, look at the time. I better scoot to that halftime show. See y'all.
+Man, that's gonna be some show.
+Who's ready for some football?!
+Football!
+Hey Homer, we been runnin' around cheerin' for an hour. Where the hell's the game?
+Where is it, man?
+Yeah. Where?
+You guys are following me? I was following Flanders.
+Hey, look what I found!
+Hey, somebody just scored.
+In a minute.
+Hey, it's the beer copter!
+What the bloody hell?
+Hit the road, Gramps. This is a private sky box.
+I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant, and this is my sky box.
+If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it.
+/ Uh-oh.
+Well, I'm convinced. Tell you what, Mister Murdoch, let's just split the difference. The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks --
+Silence!
+Seize them!
+Nyaaahaaahaaa!
+Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
+The game! We're so close!
+Follow me, boys. We're finally going to the Sup... Ow!
+We did it! / We're number one! / We're rich!
+How does it feel?
+Did you ever stop believing?
+Does this suit make me look fat?
+Players and VIP's only.
+I can't believe it. We're actually in the winning locker room!
+Woo! I'm going to Disneyland!
+Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things.
+Let... Go... Booze!
+Y'ello...
+Uh, hello, this is President Clinton.
+Hey, howyadoin'?
+You know, your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration. The whole country is proud of you.
+Well, it's about time.
+And on behalf of America, I'd like to...
+Ow! Oh! All right, Lovejoy! You're gonna get it.
+Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me. Hello?
+Al, do you have to do that right now?
+What're you gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl?
+Ah, probably give it to my wife. It's our anniversary today.
+Awwwww.
+Dad, that doesn't belong to you.
+But this might be my last chance to win one.
+Well, we sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer. Ever thought about being a travel agent?
+Wally, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't.
+'Cause you can really "go places" in the travel business. Huh? Feel free to use that one.
+What one?
+Well, John, what did you think of tonight's episode?
+I loved it. The last minute addition of Wally Kogen to the lineup was a bit of a gamble, but it really paid off.
+Marge and Lisa painting eggs? Did that work for you?
+Oh-ho, big time. They came off the bench with a huge effort that allowed Homer and Bart to make some significant gains.
+Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton we didn't see any football or singing?
+I hadn't thought about it Pat, but in retrospect, it was kind of a rip-off. What a way to treat the loyal fans who've put up with so much nonsense from this franchise.
+Any final thoughts?
+Nah, I'm too mad. Let's get the heck outta here.
+All aboard, boys. I've been waiting for you.
+Now, I'll tell you that doesn't make a lick of sense.
+I know. Just get on the bus.
+Where's that infernal clutch? Wait, wait. I'll get it.
+Give it some gas, Grampa.
+Oh, quiet Jody. You're not helping.
+The start of television's second most exciting season -- mid-season... is just 200 exciting seconds away.
+Locked.
+Unplugged.
+Dog, cat?
+It's "America's Funniest Tornadoes."
+And at 9:30, "All In The Family 1999."
+Aw geez, there they got me living with an African-American, a Semite-American and a Woman-American, there. And I'm glad. I love youse all. I love everybody. I wish I'd saved my money from the first show.
+Oh, I can't wait. Look, Marge, I had a scorecard printed up at that all-night scorecard place.
+Isn't mid-season just a dumping ground for second-rate shows that weren't good enough for the fall schedule?
+You're thinking of all the other years. This year's shows are classics.
+There's "The Laughter Family." That's animated. Networks like animation 'cause they don't have to pay the actors squat.
+Plus they can replace 'em and no one can tell the diddily-ifference.
+And now... mid-season kicks off with "Admiral Baby."
+We're taking the entire Sixth Fleet to Candy Island?
+Those are the admiral's orders.
+It's hard to believe someone that young could have risen to the rank of Admiral.
+Gee... I never thought I'd say this about a TV show, but this is kinda stupid. Hey, "PoliceCops." That sounds like a lethal combination.
+Let's get this bank back to our hideout and we'll break into it later.
+It's the cops!
+Worse. The PoliceCops.
+This isn't bad.
+Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind's ever done that's any better.
+The Renaissance.
+This is better.
+Let's book 'em and roll.
+And that's the enda that chapter.
+You men saved my bank. I'd like to donate forty dollars to charity in your honor.
+But, uh, I don't know your names.
+Lance Coffman.
+Simpson. Detective Homer Simpson.
+He's named like my name!
+I don't get it, Homer. You're a millionaire and you've got all the babes you want. Why aren't you living it up in your palace in Europe?
+Well, let's just say I hate crime.
+Arrest that guy. And that's the end of that chapter...
+Wow. They've captured my personality perfectly. Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet?
+That's not really you, Dad. He's just a fictional character who happens to have the same name.
+Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa.
+Homer, it's just a coincidence, like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall who stole your car stereo.
+Right. Coincidence.
+Another person wants to congratulate you for having a famous name.
+Y'ello... yes, this is the original Homer Simpson. Who's this?... The Debbie Pinson who was the homecoming queen at high school?... Yes, I'm still available.
+No he's not.
+Marge, that was Debbie Pinson. DEB-BIE PIN-SON.
+No dating.
+Hey Homer! Homer! Check it out. Bottom of page twelve.
+Local Man Has Same Name. A TV character has the same name as Springfield resident Homer Simpson.
+Hey, you're famous.
+And that's the end of that chapter.
+Uh, Mr. Simpson, sir, can I get your autograph?
+All right. And what's the name?
+Uh, Homer, we've worked together for ten years. It's Carl.
+You only wrote my name. Um, I wanted yours.
+Take it or leave it... Carl.
+So, uh, what kind of adventure you gonna be involved in tonight, Homer?
+Mmm, who knows? Maybe I'll have to foil an assassination, or stop a peace conference.
+So they really based that Homer Simpson character on you, huh?
+Yup. Right down to the scarf.
+Ooh, there it is!
+Nice beating, Lance. Especially around the eyes. Say, where's your partner? Where's Homer Simpson?
+Coming, Chief.
+Now what have you done, Simpson?
+I was supervising the guns for toys program.
+It's toys for guns.
+Now you tell me!
+Simp-sonnnn!!
+Hey, what's going on? That guy's not Homer Simpson. He's fat and stupid.
+Hey, looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick.
+No, no, he can't be. I know, maybe he's just acting stupid to infiltrate a gang of international idiots. Yeah, that's gotta be it.
+You destroyed that drug shipment?
+Yes indeedy.
+That was my insulin!
+Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O's!
+Simp-sonnnn!!
+Hey Homer, that character is you all over.
+Come on, Homer, act all stupid. Like you do on TV.
+Yeah, come on, dum-dum, do something unintelligent, there.
+Shutup! I'm not your clown! Don't diminish me!
+Gentlemen, I bid you--
+Who-o-oa! Who-o-oa! Who-o-oa!
+Geez, what an exit.
+Oh man, what's he gonna do for an encore?
+Ooh. I don't think he'll be, doin' no encores for a while.
+I can't understand what happened. Why did they change Homer Simpson's character from cool to stupid?
+That does it! There's only one thing I can do.
+The first episode was just a pilot, Dad. Producers fiddle with shows all the time. They change characters, drop others, and push some into the background.
+Your character provides the comic relief. Like... Ohhh... Marlon Brando in "Apocalypse Now."
+I wish I hadn't bought a hundred of these.
+Get ready, everybody.
+He's about to do something stupid.
+Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you gentlemen, but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about...
+There goes Albany!
+Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O's!
+Oh, man.
+Hey, it's that Homer Simpson dude.
+Haw haw.
+People are laughing at me, Marge. Let's get outta here. Forget the baby's medicine.
+But her forehead's on fire.
+Fine. I'll be in the car, driving home.
+Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
+Ahh, yeah.
+That's Homer Simpson. / His name's on TV. / Let's crowd him.
+Your catch phrase is hysterical. Please say it clearly for my answering machine tape.
+Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O's.
+Worst reading ever.
+How 'bout an autograph? / Picture, Mister?
+C'mon, people. Enough is enough.
+Oh, it's never enough, not for them. Once they get a taste of you, they want more and more and more. That reminds me, do you mind if my nephew kicks you in the belly?
+Aw, the flash didn't go off. Ya got another one in you, Josh?
+The whole town's laughin' at me. Even that cat out there. Bart, kill that cat!
+And that big yellow flower.
+Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me. Why don't you talk to the producers of the show? Maybe they'll make your character suave again.
+Hmmmm, I guess I could... But while I'm gone, keep an eye on that weird-looking kid down there.
+Yeah. "Bart."
+Uh, so, I just want to know how come you made your Homer Simpson character so...
+Stupid? Well, I can assure you, it happened organically.
+It better have.
+The thirteen of us began with a singular vision: "Titanic" meets "Frasier."
+But then we found out that ABC had a similar project in development with Annie Potts and Jeremy Piven.
+Who's Jeremy Piven?
+We don't know.
+But it scared the hell out of us. So we slapped together a cop show instead.
+PoliceCops.
+Uh, no, actually, it was called "Badge Patrol."
+But the network idiots didn't want a show about high-tech badges that shoot laser beams.
+So we asked ourselves, who's behind the badge?
+Police.
+PoliceCops.
+Yeah, but why does the Homer Simpson character have to be so stupid?
+Oh, he's not stupid. He's a street-smart, fish-out-of-water in a world he never made.
+I'm begging you. I'm a human being. Let me have my dignity back.
+Let me down, Chief. I'm begging you. I'm a human being. Let me have my dignity back.
+Now he's stupid and whiny.
+Your honor, I'd like to sue the producers of "PoliceCops" for twenty million dollars for improper use of my name.
+Court finds in favor of "PoliceCops." Next case.
+Then I'd like to legally change my name.
+What name would you prefer?
+Any of these will be fine.
+Hmm. "Hercules Rockefeller," "Rembrandt Q. Einstein," "Handsome B. Wonderful." I'm going to give you the only name you spelled correctly. From this day forward your name shall be...
+Max Power??
+Dynamic, isn't it?
+I love it, Max.
+You changed your name without consulting me?
+That's the way Max Power is, Marge. Decisive, uncompromising, and rude.
+Oh, wait a minute. The family name is my legacy to you. I got it from my father, and he got it from his father. And he traded a mule for it. And that mule went on to save Spring Break...
+But this will be so confusing. The mailman won't know what to do. Did you think of the mailman at all before you did this?
+Yes, briefly.
+And what about the tattoo on my you-know-what?
+Oh honey, they have acids that can burn that off.
+But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't want to snuggle with "Max Power."
+Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's.
+Oh, Lord.
+And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no, I'm taking charge. Kids, there's three ways to do things -- the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
+Isn't that the wrong way?
+Yeah, but faster.
+We should really put that in the corner.
+MAX POWER / HE'S THE MAN / WHOSE NAME YOU'D LOVE TO TOUCH / BUT YOU MUSTN'T TOUCH / HIS NAME SOUNDS GOOD IN YOUR EAR / BUT WHEN YOU SAY IT, YOU MUSTN'T FEAR / 'CAUSE HIS NAME CAN BE SAID BY ANYONE...
+Ah! Max Power! How's every little thing?
+You remembered my name!
+Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? Keep up the good work, Max.
+Mr. Power.
+Yes, of course. Mr. Power.
+So I want the monogram to read M-A-X P-O-W-
+Sir, traditionally, a monogram is just initials.
+Max Power doesn't abbreviate. Each letter is as important as the one that preceded it. Maybe more important. No, as important.
+Very well...
+And if you have enough room, add some exclamation points and a pirate flag.
+The man knows what he likes.
+Just takin' care of business.
+If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steel.
+Homer Sim-- Uh, Max Power.
+Oh, heyyy, great name.
+Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.
+I like a man who can poke fun at himself. Ooh, hey, my one o'clock canceled. Have you had any lunch?
+Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
+LEADING HIM OFF) So, where to eat? You like Thai?
+Tie good. You like shirt?
+Marge, this is Thai food. From now on, I want it morning, noon and night.
+When did you start liking Thai food?
+When Trent Steel bought me some.
+Who's Trent Steel?
+He's Max Power's oldest and dearest friend.
+What's this wrapped in a banana leaf? Mmm, smells like mint.
+Oh, I spit my gum in there.
+Where'd you meet this Trent Steel? Moe's?
+No way, this guy's a winner. He has a company that makes computers, or a computer that makes companies... Anyway, you wouldn't understand.
+Well, I guess your new name is really opening doors for you.
+For all of us. Look.
+You are invited to a garden party this Saturday!
+This is our chance to rub elbows with Springfield's young, hip power couples... Like me and Debbie Pinson.
+Wow, look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters!
+Get used to it, honey. From now on, we'll be spelling everything with letters.
+Did you wish me to destroy this machine for you?
+Nah. Just park it.
+Heh. Very well.
+And I counted the pennies in the ashtray.
+Oh look, it's Woody Harrelson.
+I can't believe those pants are made entirely out of hemp.
+And there's Ed Begley, Jr.
+And this one solar collector can gather enough energy to run this colorful pinwheel.
+Wait, wait, I-I got it. I got it.
+Very nice, Ed. Your inventions continue to impress me and the entire nation.
+Maarrge... President Clinton!
+Oh, my Lord! I feel like Cinderella.
+Me, too. Let's sing the Cinderella song.
+Eh, maybe later.
+Uh-oh. Here comes Lorne Michaels. Pretend you don't see him.
+Ah, Max Power. Trent said I absolutely must meet you. This is fab...
+Anyway, Marge. Uh, how do you feel about the economy?
+So I said "if this is the house of pancakes, how come I can't eat the walls?"
+Ah, you are too much, Max.
+I thought I knew all the players in Springfield. Where have you been hiding yourself?
+Well, I spend a lot of time on the couch...
+Tell me about it. / Haven't we all? / I hear that.
+I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me you are. Hell, I've done it with pigs. Real no-foolin' pigs.
+Are you sure it's a Federal law that I have to dance with you?
+You know I'd change that law if I could, Marge. But I can't.
+Aw, shoot. Quebec's got the bomb. Well, I gotta go, but look, if you're ever near the White House, there's a tool shed out back. I'm in there most of the day.
+Attention, please. Attention. Um, I just wanna say how thrilled I am with this turnout. I'm proud to share my home with Springfield's best and brightest.
+Hey, no problem.
+We've all been blessed with privilege and success.
+Woo, privilege!
+Uh, but with privilege comes grave responsibility...
+We all have to give something back to the world that's been so good to us.
+Give something back? Boo! Get a haircut!
+I'm talking, of course, about our endangered forests.
+We have to protect them, because trees can't protect themselves. Except, of course, the Mexican Fighting Trees.
+Somebody buy this guy a tree so he'll shut up.
+Can we let the wanton destruction of our nation's forests continue?
+If a tree falls in the forest, will you make a sound?
+To the protest bus!
+Hey, stop shoving! I'm Max Power!
+What's going on, Trent? Where are you taking me?
+We're going to try and save some beautiful redwoods.
+Aren't you coming, Ed?
+I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt mother earth.
+It's a go-cart powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
+Oh, this is the worst party ever.
+I don't know. Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's... he didn't even have a clock!
+Oh, Marge. I thought it would be fun to be on Springfield's "A" list, but these people are nuts.
+You can't blame them for having a social conscience.
+Sure you can. Buncha no-good do-gooders.
+Hang in there, Max. Saving the environment is a hard, grueling job.
+That's what I'm saying! See Marge, this guy gets it.
+All right, what's goin' on here?
+We can't allow you to destroy these beautiful trees, which have the same rights you have...
+Man, I have really had it with you tree-huggers.
+Tree-huggers...
+Something funny, Nature Boy?
+No, I just thought it was cute when you called him...
+All right, "Max Power." Eddie, swab this joker's eyes with mace.
+Swab? I thought it was a spray.
+Okay, she's second.
+Don't give 'em the satisfaction of screaming, Max. It'll only burn for...
+Hey, hold still.
+Keep runnin', Max!
+I can't lose them!
+Help him out, Lou!
+Uh, you better call for backup, Chief!
+Eep! Leave me alone! Go swab Begley. He likes it!
+Slow down, punk!
+I'm free! Woo hoo!
+Oh, no!
+Right after Happy Hour!
+What a tragedy. That car was just two days away from retirement.
+This is terrible.
+So, Trent, where's the party bus headed now?
+Well, I'm glad you changed your name back to Homer Simpson.
+Yes, I learned you've gotta be yourself. G'night, honey.
+G'night.
+Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the courthouse, I had them change your name.
+To what?
+Chesty LaRue.
+Chesty LaRue?!
+Just try it for two weeks. If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Busty St. Claire.
+I don't want to be Chesty LaRue or Busty St. Claire!
+Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.
+Goodnight, Homer.
+Sleep tight, Hooty.
+Let go of those.
+And then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad. But the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room in the most wicked condition. So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley...
+That's not a fairy tale. It's just something that happened to you at Moe's.
+Sh-sh-sh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon...
+And, thank you, God, for the bad things adults do, which distract attention from stuff I'm doing. Amen.
+He's also thankful for your bounty, Lord.
+Good save, Mom. 'Night.
+Sweet dreams, honey.
+Uh, Mom?
+Will you help me with my project? I need to make a working model of the digestive system.
+Of course, honey.
+Thanks! It's due tomorrow.
+Tomorrow?! Well, that's too bad, mister. I'm not gonna bail you out this time.
+You're right, Mom. I understand.
+All right, I'll get you the materials. But you're building it.
+Oh, I'll make the whole thing.
+Okay, papier-mâché mix... pipe cleaners... pig intestines... and sparkle paint.
+You're a lifesaver, Apu. All the other stores are closed.
+At eleven-thirty?! But this is the peak hour for stoned teenagers buying shiny things.
+Whoooa, it's a living mirror. Cool hat.
+Well, I'm glad you're always here, but isn't it a little rough on your marriage?
+You know, Manjula understands. I told her that endless toil is the only true path out of this jerkwater burg.
+Well, when you have a free night, we'd love to have you two over for dinner.
+Oh please, do not be insane, you hosted our wedding. The least we can do is have you over for dinner. It is payback time. And this time it's personal.
+Annnd... now.
+Wow, that looks great, Mom. Some of your best work.
+Ohhh, it sounds so real!
+I didn't turn it on yet.
+I'm never eatin' chili again. Ooh, chili!
+Nelson, what are you doing?!
+I'm solving world hunger.
+Hey, you're wrecking it!
+What the?... Look out! It's gonna blow!
+Eeeewwwwww!
+I hope you're happy, Nelson.
+Very. But I can't help wondering where I go from here.
+Stop worrying, Apu. The Kwik-E-Mart is in good hands.
+Hmm, what's an "eltdown?" Eh.
+I'm not checking up on you, Sanjay. I am simply asking you how many pennies you have left. Seven?! I'll be right there.
+No, he won't. Apu's entertaining tonight. If you need pennies, take them from Jerry's Jar.
+This is why I married you. Oof, what an outfit. You are one Mahat-mama.
+You think so?
+Why I could not let you in the store like that -- because you are smoking.
+Oh, Apu.
+Maybe we should not answer it, huh?
+Door's unlocked.
+Oh! Marge, Homer, welcome!
+Yes, welcome.
+What a lovely home!
+Oh, you are too kind, Marge. I am sure you have noticed the many small imperfections that fill me with shame.
+Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! If anything, your home makes me ashamed of my home!
+Well, let us just say we both feel bad.
+Who is your favorite Indian pop singer?
+Oh, don't make me choose.
+Oh, sorry.
+YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG / YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO SPRING HAS SPRUNG...
+Good rice, good curry. Good Gandhi, let's hurry.
+Mmm, oh, this is delicious. What's in it?
+Chick peas, lentils and rice.
+And what's in this?
+Chick peas and lentils.
+Try it with rice.
+Oh, I'm so glad we were able to get together.
+Well, you know how hard it is to pry these two away from work.
+Oh, yeah, Homer's a real go-getter.
+Yeah, I'm going right to the top.
+I don't understand, Marge. Doesn't Homer work a standard eighteen-hour day?
+Eighteen hours? Nobody works that hard.
+Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
+But he does work every day, right?
+Well, pretty much. Except weekends.
+Wee... kends?
+Uh, say, who's up for a game of Ganesh-Gnop?
+You told me it was an American tradition to work all the time and never see your wife.
+Yes, perhaps I stretched the truth a bit, but the Kwik-E-Mart, she is a harsh mistress.
+I think you just don't want to see me!
+Ah-- Maybe we should just close the door.
+Kaminé, méri sumuj mé nahi ata ki tumné mujhsé jhooth kyokaha.
+Manjula, toe isliyé ki mé tumharé liyé acchee cheezé khareed saku.
+Maybe we should leave.
+Uh-uh, no way. I don't want to miss a word.
+You don't know what they're saying.
+I'm picking it up. "Sala" seems to mean jerk. And I think "Manjula" means some kind of spaceship.
+Uh, this could take a while, folks. Thank you, come again.
+Oh, I hope we didn't get Apu in too much trouble.
+Oh, they're newlyweds. They'll just talk things out and top it off with some lovin'.
+Oh dear.
+Either put that book down or let me drive.
+Hey, they stole our idea! See, look!
+"I Cherish You, My Precious." Mm, nah. "To a heckuva blacksmith." Nah, I already got him one.
+"You're A-peeling. Let's Never Split." That's funny 'cause they're monkeys. So long, rejects.
+Mornin', Apu. Still in hot water with the squaw?
+Worse than ever I am afraid. My shameful neglect has made her feel unloved. Now, I fear she will leave me.
+Oh, she's not gonna leave you right before Valentine's Day. That'd be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash.
+Ooh, ooh, you are right, there's still seven days before Valentine's. Ah, seven chances to prove my love for sweet Manjula.
+Sweet mint julep... I'll be at Moe's.
+C'mon, boy. C'mon!
+Dad, the vet says we shouldn't make him fetch the Sunday paper.
+Goood dog! Good doggie! "Tax Hike Approved"? Bad dog. Bad, bad dog.
+Now to trim away the fat.
+"Outlook." "Vista." No. "Spotlight." "Mosaic." Nah.
+I'd love to look at SculleryWeek -- if you're through with it.
+Oh, sorry, Marge, that's in my stockpile. You can have this.
+This is about investment opportunities in Yemen.
+Gimme that!
+All right, the Personals! Hmm. Hm-hm-hm. "Successful mayor-type seeks open-minded, discreet cheerleader-type."
+Oh, that's sweet.
+Oh, here's one, "Desperately Seeking Suction--"
+Hey, look at this one. It's a poem. From Apu!
+Well, don't just gasp, read it.
+My darling bride Manjula / I hereby mend my ways / I'll shower you with Valentines / For seven love-filled days!
+Oh, how romantic!
+I used to take out ads like that when we were newlyweds.
+The only ad you took out was to sell our lawnmower.
+We sold it, didn't we?
+Until last night, I never knew Apu could be so romantic.
+I can't believe it. He covered your whole bed with wildflowers?
+Oh, I'm sure Homer has done that for you.
+Hmmm... sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets.
+And he says I've got six more surprises coming. I feel like the luckiest woman in Springfield.
+HE LOVES THE NIGHT LIFE / HE LOVES MANJULA / THE MAN THEY CALL APUUU / OH YEAH...
+He has trained a bird to sing to me.
+Limo out front. Tickets to opera. Front row loge.
+Oh... Just once, I'd like a parrot to say that to me.
+Then the bird sang "I Love The Night Life"... with clever new lyrics.
+Yeah, I hate that song.
+I do too. But it was sweet. Women really like that sort of thing, Homie.
+Don't worry, honey. I got something really special planned for Valentine's Day.
+It's not that monkey card I found in the car, is it?
+Wouldn't you like to know?
+A chocolate husband! Oh, how darling.
+Help! I can't breathe!
+Oh! Apu! Oh, you are the sweetest filling of all.
+Air... need... air.
+Oh, Apu.
+Oh God, my ears are filled with nougat.
+Oh dear. Oh you are--
+There's a nut in my eye!
+...So then the second salesman says, "That's okay, I just ate all the hot buttered corn!" You like that one, baby?
+Sarah, what's wrong? Usually after two or three Truly Tasteless Jokes, you're all over me.
+Manjula got to see "La Boheme."
+Sarah, please. Sarah, it's ten dollars a pill.
+Drinking will help us plan.
+...And so, with Valentine's Day one day away, all eyes are on the local Romeo whose seven-day gift-a-thon has been delighting his wife and in-troubul-ating the rest of us.
+Reverend Timothy Lovejoy says he's counseled a number of disenchanted wives, including Maude Flanders.
+Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours. See the problem's communication. Too much communication.
+Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts, and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.
+But Marge, it's worth it. Look, the Taco Bell dog. Yo quiero Ta... Hey, where'd it go? Here boy!
+You just don't get it.
+This Valentine's crap has gone too far.
+Yeah. / Yeah.
+You got that right!
+Edna won't even let me clap her erasers.
+My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts.
+The gal I'm stalking had me bumped back to two hundred feet.
+/ That's too bad.
+Oh, Moe.
+And ask yourselves, people, who's to blame for all this?
+Well, I guess we are.
+I suppose I do take Maude for granted.
+I got some of that myself. / Oh, screw myself.
+Will you stop it?! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's makin' us look bad!
+/ Yeah! / Yeah, you're right! / Hey! / Yeah!
+What's goin' on out there?
+Aw, geez, he's got everything but the Shriners.
+Hey, watch it! You're all over the road!
+We've gotta stop that traitor Apu.
+C'mon, Apu. Make your move.
+Maybe he's run out of romantic ideas.
+Nah, no, not our lover boy. If I know his MO, he saved the biggest one for today.
+Aw, gee, the man's just trying to show his wife he cares for her. How can we sabotage his labor of love?
+I'unno. Gasoline? Axes? I got some stuff in the trunk.
+Hey, there he goes!
+Let's roll.
+Uh, Homer, you're drivin'.
+Not yet, I'm not. You'll know when I'm driving. And it'll...
+Tiffany's, eh? Looks like Smoochy's gonna seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head.
+Ah man, he's makin' us look like a bunch of cheapskates. Whoa whoa. My rope came loose.
+There he is. Behind that shopping bag...
+A croissant? What the...? Oh, that's right. They have breakfast at Tiffany's now.
+Only till eleven.
+So that's it. The crazy nut. He went and bought her a sloop.
+Well, this is one Love Boat that won't delight and amuse...
+Wait, Chief! He's not purchasing a boat...
+Arr, it's kind of ya to deliver these copies of "Juggs." They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality... for about ten minutes.
+Look who's talkin'.
+Well, this is turning out to be a total waste of time.
+Not entirely.
+Aw geez, we been following him for hours.
+You know, with all the energy we're puttin' into this sabotage thing, we coulda written sonnets for our wives, or learned to tango, or lovingly restored one of those antique...
+Whew, well, at least I got a hunk of Moe's hair.
+Man, that smarts!
+Oh, baby. We got him now. There's no escape from the airport.
+Oh nuts! We lost him.
+I told you we shouldn't have gone for long-term parking.
+Hey, look! It's Elton John!
+We had to make an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again.
+What's he doing in Springfield?
+I got it. I got it. Apu musta hired him to sing for Manjula.
+Not if I can help it. And help it I might.
+Mr. John. I'm your biggest fan. I've tape recorded all your songs off the radio.
+Oh, that's very sweet. Have a Grammy.
+Sir Elton, my noble friends and I would like to dub you a Knight of the... Grand Concourse.
+Yeah, it's for all your charity work and, uh, for, ah, you know, teaching us um... to love again.
+Really? I did that?
+How the hell should I know? Just get in this cage.
+Oh, hazing the new guy, eh? Hmp. You know, when I was dubbed Sir Elton, the Queen paddled me silly.
+Hey, Apu's talkin' to a skywriter!
+So that was his plan all along.
+If he writes a message of love over Springfield, we're all screwed.
+Hello? Lads? Don't forget your old pal, Elton. Can anyone hear me? Skycap?
+Okay, here is the message, and please don't skimp on the... Sarin?!
+Don't be frightened. That tank's just Peace Corps surplus.
+Not so fast, Apu!
+Homer! What a delightful coincidence.
+We're putting an end to your insane Valentine's rampage. Never again will good, lazy men have to... What the--?
+Oh no you don't!
+Hey, you with the scarf! Stop skywriting!
+I have to deliver a message! It's the skywriter's code.
+I am so sick of that damn code!
+If you won't stop, then I'll stop you!
+What are you doing? Don't do that!
+Oh, isn't that sweet.
+That must be for Manjula.
+Just once I'd like a love note in the sky.
+Lousy message.
+Stop, you crazy fool, you'll kill us all!
+Correction. Kill us both.
+"I Love You..." It's an angel! Ooh, that's Neddy's pet name for me!
+"I Love You... Poppin' Fresh." Oh, Clancy.
+"I Love You... Edna K!" It's a little run-together, but that's what it says!
+"I Love You... Cactus? Blobby? Upsilon?" Oh, who am I kidding? Homer would never surprise me like that.
+Daggonit! You ruined my message.
+What's the matter with you crazy old... / Get off me! / You're making me mad!
+Oh me. My humble love note is turning into a Valentine's Day massacre.
+You think you've got problems. I just chewed my way out of a dog carrier. Whew.
+Elton John!
+That's my name. Well, not really.
+I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but .
+That maniac nearly killed us!
+Shall I "take you to the pilot?" Huh? You see? Because that is your song.
+I heard you.
+Yes, because "someone saved your life tonight!"
+Cut it out!
+Well, well, "the bitch is back."
+Oh, galldurnit! Why won't you die?!
+Ow! Prickers! Owwww!
+What in the world?
+Roses. So many roses.
+Just when I think I have you figured out, you fall from the sky with roses.
+Oh, Homie. Oh, they're beautiful.
+Oh, I'm gonna snuggle your brains out.
+Well, I think I have a collapsed lung, but okay!
+"If I was a sculptor, ha, but then again, nooo / Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show / I know it's not much but it's the best I can do / My gift is my song and, this one's from Apu."
+Oh, oh, I can't believe it. You closed the Kwik-E-Mart just for me.
+Well, you and the health inspector. Champagne Squishee?
+Oh, thank you.
+It should get you pretty darned hammered.
+WEEE'RE PROUD TO BE TEACHERS / KNOWLEDGE IS OUR GAME / BUT WE'D SELL OUR MOTHERS / FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF...
+NOT GONNA TEACH FOREVER
+GONNA GIVE SHOWBIZ A TRY...
+I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
+THAT'S FAME!!!
+Whew. Mercy. Good evening. Our old friend Noah Webster defines laughter as the act or sound of laughing--
+Haw haw.
+No, no, as soon as I get over, that lane will stop moving. Erma Bombeck said so, and Dave Barry agrees.
+Well illustrated, Nelson. And now, fasten your funnybones for Groundskeeper -- oh, or should I say Grinskeeper... No, I'm sorry, Groundskeeper was correct -- Willie!
+How many of ye hail from the fair city of Edinburgh?
+So have you noticed how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? Eh?
+Eh? Oh, I see. Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees, scoopin' up your little brats' puke!
+Thank you! You've been great!
+"YOU GIVE ME FEVER" "WHEN YOU TOUCH ME, FEVER WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGHT" "FEVER -- HA!"
+Kill me.
+Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I was wondering -- who's on first?
+Yes. Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.
+Yes, well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds, you've already managed to blow the routine.
+Sexless freak.
+Well, seems as though we're just about at the halfway point, so why don't we call it intermission?
+Oh! Don't go too far. If you like cafeteria workers in Beatle wigs with tennis racquet guitars, you won't wanna miss the second half.
+Oh, no let me out! Let's get outta here!
+You drive. I eat.
+Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks.
+I saw Krabappel's butt. I paid.
+Oopsie. Mm, this could take a minute.
+There's an opening, Mom!
+I don't know... I, I hate to change lanes once I get going... that's really for race car drivers.
+Mom, to your left. He's letting you in. Go!
+C'mon, Mom / Flanders, woman!
+Ohhh, you suck, Marge.
+C'mon, move it, you clowns!
+What in blazes?
+So long, schlubs!
+Wow. Did you see that thing, Marge? So powerful. So commanding. So forceful and raw. It didn't ask, it just took.
+Canyonero...
+Go ahead, drool all you want. Ya can't hurt that finish. Now, rain water, that'll strip it right off. Sa-- Aw, and I shouldn't have said that. C'mon, Gil.
+Hey, a red one! Can I buy that? Please?
+Well ya... if ya... Really? Wah! Ha! Hot dog! A sale!
+I'll take it from here, Gil
+No, wait! Ah, no, ya can't take my sale! My wife's gonna leave me if I don't start bringin' in the green. Come on, lemme have this one, Stan. I'm beggin' ya. Look at me. I'm beggin' you, Stan.
+Mm-hm, let's go write this up, shall we?
+Honey, you shoulda seen me with my last customer, I... No, but I came so close. This guy was... eh... Whose voice is that? Is that Fred? Ah, ya said it was over!... No, don't put him on. It... Hello, Fred! Hi!
+Okay, you've got the undercoating, clear coating, rust proofing, underguard spray, gravelguard XJ, Vita-seal, Repelzit... but if you wanna protect the paint, you better keep it in this tent.
+Will do!
+Okay, here's how your lease breaks down. This is your down payment... then here's your monthly... and there's your weekly...
+And that's it, right?
+Yup. Oh, then, after your final monthly payment, there's the routine C.B.P., or crippling balloon payment.
+But that's not for awhile, right?
+Sweet...
+Woo! Hello! / Woo! Hey baby!
+Sorry Homer. We thought you were one of those hot-to-trot Soccer Moms.
+Yeah, you don't see many men driving the F series.
+See? Instead of a cigarette lighter, it's got a lipstick holder.
+Aw, crap! It's a girl's car. I can't drive this.
+Oh, sure you can, doll face.
+A pretty thing like you can do whatever she wants.
+Shut up! Screw you guys!
+Where's your keys? I'm takin' your car to work.
+You cashed in your 401 to buy that stupid Canyonero. Why can't you drive it?
+Are you saying I'm gay? Because if that's what you think, then just come right out and say it.
+I don't think you're gay. I just have to do my grocery shopping. Now please gimme my keys.
+Sucker.
+Good lord. How am I supposed to get in this beast?
+Well, that's a nice feature. Not much headroom, though...
+Ooh! Oh, I guess I can drive it for a little while.
+But Mom, I read that sport utility vehicles are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents.
+Fatal to the people in the other car. Let's roll!
+Hang on. The manual says I need to log on to the onboard computer.
+M-A-R-G-E.
+Hello, Marge. Where would you like to go today?
+No one has ever asked me that before in my life.
+Well, that's a first. I've never been able to fit thirty-two grocery bags into one car before.
+Eww, why is Courtney Love on the Wheaties box?
+Hmm, I thought it was Sandy Duncan.
+Uh-oh. Gridlock at twelve o'clock.
+Oh, crud. And we're so close to the house.
+Um, I don't want to alarm you, but the ice cream's startin' to go south.
+Hey, give me some of that.
+Mom, Bart sprayed whipped cream in my eye!
+I did not.
+Kids, cut it out!
+All right.
+C'mon, Mom, just cut across the field.
+Oh, I don't know... It doesn't seem right.
+Do you want to spend your whole life doing what's right?
+Of course not!
+Let's do it.
+Whoooa! You the man, Mom!
+Outta my way, nature!
+CANYONERO!
+Look at me, Lis! I'm Baron von Chicken Pants.
+Bart! That's tomorrow night's dinner.
+You're tomorrow night's dinner.
+Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult!
+That's nice, dear!
+A three-chambered peanut! Marge, look what I did! Come quick! Hurry! Marge?
+Marge, you've been out there all morning.
+So... lying on the couch and eating stuff isn't the same if you aren't around to see it.
+Oh, I'll come watch you do nothing after I try out my new high-intensity halogen headlights.
+Nobody will ever cut me off again!
+Aw, please come in. Maggie smells bad. And the cat wants something, but I don't know what.
+I'm almost done. And tell Bart to get out of my purse.
+S.U.V. coming through. Open up for Marge. Thank you! Whoaaa! Daylight! C'mon. C'mon.
+Geez! Try the gas pedal, Gramma. It's right there, next to the brake. Oh, forgodssa-- Go back to New Jersey...
+C'mon! C'mon! Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living!
+Slow down, you maniac! Show some respect for this coffin full of bricks representing a young man lost at sea.
+Oh, great. What'd I do?
+This better be important.
+Can the sweet talk, Thelma and Louise. You have a serious mental illness. The technical term is "road rage."
+I'll see you tomorrow morning at traffic school, Speedy. Now you've got exactly five seconds to get out of my sight.
+Why are the pretty ones always insane?
+Okay, I assume you all know why you're here.
+That's right. You're all angry, sick people.
+But over these next eight hours, you will be broken down to the level of infants, then rebuilt as functional members of society, then broken down again, then lunch, then if there's time, rebuilt once more.
+All right, roll it, Lou.
+Hello, I'm Sergeant Crew. And I'm here to talk to you about Rooad... raage...
+Quiet, fatso, the sergeant's talking! Go on, dear.
+In these modern hectic days of fast food, answering machines, and one night stands -- people are getting angrier. Now, what you're about to see is not pretty.
+Cut me off, will ya? Take that!
+Learn to drive, dimwit!
+I sentence you to kiss my ass!
+Look familiar? It should. Anger is what makes America great.
+But you must find the proper outlet for your rage: fire a weapon at your television screen, pick a fight with someone weaker than you, or write a threatening letter to a celebrity.
+Hey, why don't you come to the Wild Animal Park with us?
+So when you go out for a drive, remember to leave your murderous anger where it belongs: at home.
+And as if that film wasn't enough, we have a special guest: why, it's Curtis E. Bear, the Courtesy Bear!
+For the next three hours, this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse with good nature and aplomb. So if you'll all just grab one of these two by fours...
+Uh, Chief, can I at least shield my crotch?
+Bears can't talk, Eddie.
+Well, Simpson, did you learn something today?
+Ooo, did I ever. And that herbal anger rinse just washed the rage right out of me.
+Ah, remember, Midge. You feel the need to rage, you call me, right? I won't even get sexual or nothin'. Unless that's what you want. That, that's not what you want, right?
+No thanks. But thanks.
+After you, sweetheart.
+Oh, no. You first, ma'am.
+Well, somebody go first.
+Well, not me.
+I'm not going until she goes.
+Oh, for crying out loud... I--
+Oh, oh, okay, calm down. Just think: what would Curtis E. Bear do?
+Move it! I gotta return this suit!
+Get out of the way!
+Whoa-ho-ho! Thanks, chick-dude!
+Well, I hope you're happy, Simpson. Those prisoners were one day away from being completely rehabilitated.
+I'm tearin' up your license!
+Aw, geez, darned laminated... would you mind? I got stubby fingers.
+How could they take away my license? It feels like I lost a limb.
+Well, that's a turn-off.
+No, your father drives like an old lady.
+At least I've got a license.
+C'mon, kids, I went too far.
+Oh, what a gyp. They're all just lying around. Do something!
+Bart, they're not here to entertain us.
+I've seen plays that were more exciting than this. Honest to God. Plays.
+I don't wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe lay in the sun.
+But Dad, lemurs are nocturnal.
+Don't worry, honey. Daddy will fix that broken animal.
+I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm just gonna wake him up.
+Uh-oh. Here's your slingshot, Lisa.
+I told 'em a chainlink fence wouldn't hold rhinos. Oh wait, no I didn't. I meant to tell 'em.
+Don't worry, kids. I know just what to do. Jumanji! Does anything from the movies actually work?
+Aw, nuts. Isn't there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards?
+Well, they'd need a pretty rugged vehicle.
+And a heart to match.
+I'd like to help you, Chief, but my license was revoked. Seems I'm full of rage.
+Then do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
+That's your hat!
+She's good, Chief.
+Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some dust that needs busting.
+This is Kent Brockman at the scene of a Level 3 Rhino Alert. Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone except those three luckless people, whom we'll identify once the rhinos spit out their wallets.
+Back! Back, I say!
+Oh no. I'm out of popcorn.
+Throw your peanuts!
+You throw your peanuts!
+Look, it's Mom!
+Outta the way! Move it or lose it! Get going, you!
+This oughta hold 'em.
+There's one missing, mate! If we don't find him, it'll be my ass on the barbie!
+Get in! Get in!
+C'mon, Homer! Jump!
+Ohhh, when will Detroit build a sun roof for the husky gentleman?
+Hey, anybody seen Homer today?
+There he goes.
+Oh, thank you, God. And thank you Porta-John. You really saved my...
+Who's out there?!
+Oh, I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!
+Nice rhino.
+Oh, no! She's not gonna make it!
+Looks like it's time for Plan B. One, two, three, "B"!
+It's okay, Homie. You can come out now.
+Ah, give me a minute...
+Oh, Marge, you saved me!
+Wow! You are so much cooler than Milhouse's mom.
+Yeah. Way to channel that rage, Simpson.
+How'd you know your plan would work, Mom?
+Well, this could be quite enlighten--
+Thanks for asking. Well, I was watching Dateline and Stone Philips said S.U.V.'s always roll over when you turn sharply, and the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat.
+And she also knew that if a rhino sees a flame, he'll instinctively try to put it out.
+Stone Philips again!
+Is there anything that guy doesn't know?
+Why, this Stone Philips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?
+Why, NBC, of course.
+NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat!
+Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?
+Oh, I'm sure of it!
+But there's only one way to find out!
+I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many FOX shows as possible. So in summary, NBC bad, FOX good. CBS great.
+Okay, FDR is in the White House, an ice cream cone costs a nickel, and a hot new tune by Benny Goodman is hitting the charts. The year is 1939.
+19-- 1939?! Oh my God, I've gone back in time!
+I've got to warn everybody about Hitler! And get to the ice cream store!
+Heya, Homer, what's all the hubbub?
+Let me guess. You travel back in time again?
+Shut up! You haven't even been born yet.
+Easy, Homer. I'll bring you back.
+Oh boy, am I glad to see you guys.
+That was Men Without Hats. Or as they're known today, Men Without Jobs.
+Don't go there, Marty!
+I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here at P.J. O'Harrigan's!
+Fine. How about--
+We're broadcasting live from P.J. O'H.'s, and this place makes "Animal House" look like "Terms of Endearment".
+We're kickin' off our thirty-fifth consecutive happy hour, with no end in sight, so come on down!
+Man, that sounds like a swingin' shindig.
+Yeah, too bad we gotta work, huh, Homer? Homer?
+Woo hoo! Let's party!
+Wake up, Homer.
+C'mon, move your butt! You're blocking traffic!
+That's no way to address Sir Drinks-A-Lot.
+Come on, let's get you inside and scrape the gum out of your hair.
+Hey, Marge, what's your favorite radio station?
+Well, Marge?
+What's your favorite radio station?
+Okay, Dad, we're ready.
+Hey, that's super! See you later.
+Dad! Don't you remember? It's our special Saturday.
+You agreed to spend one Saturday a month doing something with the kids.
+Oh, quit complaining. It's half the work of the divorced dad.
+Yeah, but it's twice as much as a deadbeat dad.
+Homer...
+They know I'm kidding.
+Okay, Bart, it's your turn to pick. Where are we headed? Bowling? Demolition derby? P.J. O'Harrigans? Isn't that a funny name? Huh? Huh?
+Hysterical, but I traded my turn to Lisa for her dessert.
+We did a Lisa thing last month. And I'm glad we did, but now I think we should do something normal people would like.
+Why do you assume that I won't pick something fun? Let's see... Oh, this looks very educatio--
+She didn't say it yet!
+Go ahead, sweetie.
+The book fair?
+Oh, no! Ho, ho. I'm not falling for that again. If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
+Oh, this is perfect!
+We're gonna go see Marmaduke?
+No! The Smithsonian Traveling Exhibit.
+It encapsulates America and makes history come alive!
+What? And Marmaduke doesn't?
+Sorry, Dad. My mind is made up.
+This is all your fault for trading away your turn. Just for that, no dessert tonight!
+Trade you my next turn for your dessert.
+Hey, how come the Smithsonian needs to be sponsored by a cel phone company?
+I can answer that. Uncle Sam needs to spend our tax dollars on the essentials: anti-tobacco programs, pro-tobacco programs, killing wild donkeys, and Israel.
+Good ol' government.
+Yeah, but corporate sponsorship cheapens our nation's treasures.
+Actually, they're OmniTouch's treasures now. We bought 'em during the last budget crisis.
+Look, they have Lincoln's hat!
+Thank God for grave robbers.
+America's greatest citizen summed up in one piece of clothing.
+Fonzie's jacket!
+Who's Fonzie?
+Who's Fonzie?! Don't they teach you anything in school? He freed the squares.
+How can they put a prop from a TV show next to the Bill of Rights?
+So what's so great about the Bill of Rights?
+It guarantees all of the basic freedoms -- speech, religion, the right to a speedy trial...
+Where? I don't see that.
+Dad, don't do that!
+Get out of Archie Bunker's chair! Now!
+Relax. I'm just boning up on the ol' Constitution.
+Ohh, you're gonna regret that, pinko...
+Oh, I am so sick of people hiding behind the Bill of Rights.
+Look, he got chocolate on it!
+I didn't mean to! Look!
+Mm-hm. You just licked off the part that forbids cruel and unusual punishment.
+Beautiful.
+Really, that much? It's gonna cost ten thousand dollars to repair that document.
+Of course OmniTouch understands that real money doesn't grow on trees. Not these days.
+Finally, a company that understands my needs.
+We sure do. It's called caring.
+So we're even then?
+Not by a long shot. But I have a solution that'll work out for both of us -- especially you.
+I don't want a cellular transmitter sticking out of my roof!
+We prefer to think of them as "keep-in-touch towers."
+It's called caring, Marge.
+Plus you've increased Springfield's roaming capabilities 64 percent.
+Ya gotta admit, Marge, that's a lot more roaming.
+I guess...
+Hey, this is pretty comfortable. That Andy Capp was onto something.
+Ugh, that antenna is an eyesore.
+Just pretend it's a tree, honey. Or as we say at OmniTouch, a Progress Tree.
+Yeah, well, I hope it doesn't hum too loud, 'cause I have a ton of homework to do, and if I don't finish it by...
+My room!
+Wha?! I heard a yell. Did you touch a wire?
+What happened to my room?!
+Nothing. They just needed a place to put all the electronic gizmos, and I know how much you like that sciencey stuff so I...
+You gave away my room!
+Come on, Lisa, try and see this from the OmniTouch Corporation's point of view.
+Your father's right, Lisa. Cellular service is about communication and unity: community.
+I can't believe you did this, Dad. Why didn't you put that thing in your room?
+Hm. That thought never occurred to me. Funny how your mind works in a crisis.
+It's just until we pay off Daddy's desecration of a priceless artifact. I thought I'd never have to say that again.
+But where am I supposed to live?!
+Lisa, what's your favorite movie?
+Until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid."
+That's right, "The Odd Couple." So meet your comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson.
+I'm gonna make your life a living hell.
+Okay, if you're gonna live in my room, you're gonna obey my rules. One: I am Bart, thy God. If I Am out, the Krusty doll is thy God. If the doll's with me, you will worship the night light. Should the night light be unable to fulfill its duties...
+Shut up.
+You shut up.
+Ugh, this is not gonna work.
+No, you shut up.
+Hello, Mother?
+Maggie?!
+Seymour? You were supposed to call me three minutes ago!
+Sorry, Mother. I was driving through a tunnel and my cel phone wouldn't work.
+I don't want you driving through tunnels. You know what that symbolizes.
+But Mother, it cuts 90 minutes off my drive.
+No tunnels!
+Homer, we're picking up cel phone calls over the baby monitor!
+Ooh, anything spicy?
+Oh, that's not the point. We should report this to an OmniTouch Care-Rep. People's privacy is at stake.
+Great. I'm gonna eat mayonnaise!
+Bart, stop it.
+Stop what?
+Squeaking that chair!
+Hey, that's what I do in my room, 'Lis. I squeak my chair.
+Ohhh! Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Quit it!
+Well, well, if it isn't Frick and Frack, Jack and Jill, Fred and Ethel, the Three...
+Dad, will you please tell Bart to stop squeaking his chair. I'm trying to do my homework.
+Bart, stop squeaking your chair!
+If you've got to do something, click this pen.
+No-ho-ho...
+Hey, that looks like fun.
+Race ya!
+You're on! Lisa, you play winner.
+Oh, honey, you missed a great race. Bart was winning, but then he said "this is stupid" and he stopped, and I won!
+I am trying to do my homework.
+Hey, you're mad at me. That wasn't your mayonnaise, was it?
+Dad, why did you have to take away my room?
+Maybe you'd feel better if we watched some TV together.
+I just want to study.
+No it's not.
+Oooh, here's something you'd like. "When Animals Attack Magicians."
+Pick a card. Any...
+That's awful!
+Awful entertaining.
+Ooh, my stomach hurts.
+Hey, it's Krusty. I need you to get me out of another jam.
+I picked up this chick last night. At least, I thought she was a chick.
+Show biz is so fascinating.
+Mom, I don't feel so good.
+What is it, honey?
+My tummy really hurts.
+Somebody wants mommy to change baby's diaper.
+Is that somebody you, Homer?
+Yes it is.
+Okay, then you can take Lisa to Dr. Hibbert's.
+Great. Maybe on the way back we can swing by the demolition derby and have a nice talk.
+Sounds great.
+Lisa I'm afraid your tummy ache may be caused by stress.
+Well, that's a relief.
+Yes... Anyway, when it comes to stress, I believe laughter is the best medicine. You know before I learned to chuckle mindlessly, I was headed for an early grave myself.
+Give it a try, honey.
+Ohh, now you call that chuckling? Come on, child, force it!
+I'm really not the chuckling type.
+It's true. I'm always making clever noises, and she never chuckles at 'em.
+Well, I could prescribe some harsh antacids, but I think Lisa would benefit more from some herbal teas or aromatherapy.
+Yeah, ya know some of that all-natural stuff is really very well --
+Oh, no you don't. Screw that touchy, queery crap! We'll take the harsh antacids. Nothing's too good for my little girl.
+I sure settled his hash. Imagine that quack thinking you'd try one of those crazy New-Age cures.
+They're not all crazy, Dad.
+Sure they are, honey.
+You know, just because you say something is crazy, doesn't make it so. And just because you think museums are boring and demolition derbies are fun, doesn't make that true either!
+I'm sorry, Lisa. Oh, it's not your fault. I know we love each other, Dad, but we're two very different people. And, much as I hate to say it, as time goes on, we'll probably just drift further and further apart.
+Oh Lisa, honey, I won't ever let that happen.
+Dad, you don't have to go to a New Age store just for me. I know you think this stuff is stupid.
+Nah, you must be thinking of your mother. I'm always exploring alternatives and expanding my horizons into realms of... Can't we just go in?
+Oh good, I've been meaning to buy a "Dream Catcher?" Gimme a break.
+I just wish you could keep an open mind about other cultures.
+Other cultures are fine. I'm just saying I can get along in life without a "tooth brush."
+Namaste.
+And a ooga-booga to you too.
+May I tell you about our White Light Specials?
+Absolutely not. My little girl's tummy hurts. Do you have anything to stop her complaining?
+Here, try this wheatgrass juice.
+Bleagghhh!
+Well, your tongue works.
+Let's try some oil of Lorenzo. And, uh, what's keeping Joan Rivers alive?
+Fetal grindings. But I have a better idea.
+Oh no. No freezing.
+No, Mr. Simpson, this is a sensory deprivation tank. It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls.
+Can you pee in it?
+I'll take two hours.
+Me too.
+You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember, they can't physically harm you, though they may destroy you mentally.
+Oh, my.
+Lenny, how ya doin'? It's Moe. I got some class three gossip here.
+Well, dish!
+Groundskeeper Willie, you know the guy in the skirt? He bought himself a mail-order bride, but he was too cheap to pay the C.O.D., right? So she's still in a crate down at the post office! Wanna go look-see?
+This sounds juicy.
+Hmmm... Hey, Milhouse. Wanna have some fun?
+How am I supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me?
+Bad cat! Leave her alone!
+Wow, my mind just created that out of nothing. This tank is releasing the full potential of my brain.
+OOH EEE OOH AH AH / TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG / OOH EEE OOH AH AH / WALLA BING BANG TING TING TOOO!
+C'mon, c'mon, I need some gossip, here! Where is everybody? Does this town shut down at 5 o'clock?
+Frankie.
+...It's me, Killer. I just busted out of prison and the cops are after me.
+Ooh, talk to me, baby.
+Okay, I think I lost 'em.
+Uh-oh, a cow!
+Eat lead, Bossy! Listen, Tony. I need some place to hide. Oh. This place looks good: Seven forty-two Evergreen Terrace.
+Now to open the door and kill whoever's inside.
+I'll start by turning the knob...
+Gotcha, Mrs...
+Oh my God!
+Oh, Mom, you are a prankster's dream. Wow, you really clobbered him!
+That was a horrible trick to play on your mother!
+Yeah, well, it serves you right for eavesdropping.
+Hm. Well, I guess we both learned a lesson. But if anybody asks, you hit him.
+But you can't just repossess our merchandise.
+The I Ching said I had six months until bankruptcy!
+Hey, channel somebody who gives a damn.
+Can't we discuss this over some Sympathy Tea?
+Sorry, the teas are already on the truck.
+There's only enough room on the truck for this one. We'll get the other one later.
+Heyyy, this piece of junk is finally doing something.
+Oh! Oh man, this is heavy.
+You should lift with your legs.
+Oh yeah... art.
+Ah, screw it. I've got health insurance.
+Abra cadabra. The crystal says... your baby shall be a girl.
+Shut up!
+Woo! Sensory deprivation kicks ass.
+Oh, Neddy, you almost hit that coffin.
+Leapin' Lazarus! Is this what passes for eternal rest these days? Rod, go get Daddy his buryin' shovel.
+You sure buried him deep, Daddy.
+Not so deep the Lord can't find him... and judge him.
+This is the best birthday I ever had!
+Okay, I'm ready to get out now... Yoo hoo! Hippie lady! Hippie lady?! Hey! Hippie lady!
+Whoa! What's going on? Ow! Oh! This inner peace stuff is tough on the old coconut.
+Hippie Lady I wanna get out.
+Look, Daddy, a whale egg.
+Oh geez, I am so sick of companies dumping their crud in our ocean without a permit. It's not like those permits are hard to get.
+You're going right back where you came from.
+But Daddy, you're on vacation.
+Crime doesn't take a vacation.
+Hey, hey, hey careful, you'll pop it!
+Wow, I've been a cat, a tree, and Cokie Roberts! It's happening again! I wonder where I'm going this time.
+Dad, wake up!
+Your snoring is disturbing the dancers.
+How can you embarrass me like this? You won't sit through anything that doesn't have car crashes!
+Boy, I can really be a pain in the butt.
+Gee, I should cut Dad some slack. After all, he did take me to the ballet, and the Smithsonian exhibit... In fact, he takes me lots of places he hates.
+I told the witch doctor there's tightness in my chest. Bom-bom-bom-bom... I told the witch doctor he had to run a test...
+Hi sweetie.
+Hi, Dad. How was it?
+I went on a wild ride without ever leaving the building. How was yours?
+Pretty cool. But now, whaddaya say we go do something we'll both enjoy?
+Like what?
+Whoa, look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?
+Not to me, Dad.
+And here comesssss the pendulum!
+So I said to that nurse, "You can take your free tetanus shot and shove it."
+Well, you told her, Dad.
+You better believe I did.
+You still haven't told us why Lenny bit you.
+Well, I really gave him no choice. Y'see...
+Lousy meat-eating scum.
+Not you.
+Must eat beef... must defeat guy I just met...
+I'm going over to protest this disgusting new restaurant called "The Slaughterhouse." It's decorated with hanging steer carcasses and a fountain of blood.
+Ooh, I heard about that place on "The Red Grocer."
+The worst part is, you pick out your own cow and they kill it right in front of you!
+Well, maybe the animals don't mind, honey. They might enjoy being the center of attention.
+I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.
+Wait. There's a place like that in Springfield?! Then why are we eating this crap?
+C'mon, everybody, we're going to the Slaughterhouse!
+You didn't need to knock the food on the floor.
+Didn't I?
+Wow. It's even more wonderful than Lisa said!
+Ooh-woo. A complimentary basket of hooves.
+Beef salad, beef on the cob, beef-fried beef, uh... Is there anything on the menu that isn't meat?
+Ha, not likely.
+Cool. Even this menu is made of meat. It's an entire chicken pounded flat.
+How clever! The kids' menu's on the beak.
+Mm, I think I'll take... Ooh, that one.
+No, he's a bit listless, isn't he? Give me... Ooh, that spirited fellow...
+Oof. Well, he didn't put up much of a fight. Uh, why don't you pick one for me?
+On second thought, I'll just have a glass of milk. From that cow.
+Wait a minute. Is this the biggest steak you've got? 72 ounces? I thought this was supposed to be a steakhouse, not a little... girly... underpantsy... pink doily... tea party place.
+Well, there is one steak that's only available by special request, uh... We call it, uh, "Sir Loin-A-Lot." It's, uh, the size of a Boogie-board.
+Oooh, I'll have that one. And to drink... ... meatballs.
+Very good, sir.
+Ladies and gentlemen... This brave man has accepted the Sir Loin-A-Lot challenge. He will pit his stomach against sixteen pounds of indomitable tenderloin.
+They like me because I'm brave.
+Only two people have ever finished the whole thing.
+Uh, if you want some friendly advice, pal, I wouldn't tackle the big'un right away.
+Oh yeah? What do you know about it? Y--
+It's you! You're him! You're Tony Randall!
+Red Barclay's my name. I'm a trucker, and I've eaten steaks from coast to coast, with taters and toast. Take my advice, this one's not for greenhorns.
+Greenhorns! Who's a greenhorn? What's a greenhorn?
+It's an insult. Sock him, Dad. Sock everybody.
+Oh, you're just jealous 'cause you don't have the belly for it anymore. Mr. No-Belly... Mr... Hasn't-Got-A-Belly...
+Well... I have just finished a whole lamb, but, uh, I reckon I could take you to school. You're on, boy.
+Is it safe to eat that much food, Dr. Hibbert?
+You know, I wouldn't have thought so before I bought 12 per cent of this restaurant. But now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest.
+But what if he chokes?
+Not to worry. We have the latest Heimlich machine.
+On your left, the pride of the American trucking industry, Reliable Red Barclay!
+And on your right, Homer somebody!
+Go Dad!
+Yeah, c'mon Homie!
+Go! Go! Go!
+Gluttons to your marks...
+Annnnd... gorge!
+Chew! Chew! Chew!
+Chew! Chew! Chew!
+No, Homer! Don't fill up on bread!
+Huh? Oh, right. The steak.
+Come on, Dad, pick up the pace. Chew and swallow, no savoring.
+So much steak... lungs filling... sinuses packed with meat...
+Come on, Dad, just twelve more pounds.
+Oh, humans are so ridiculous. He's not even halfway through Walter and he's already hallucinating.
+Lousy drunks. I'll show them.
+What's happening to me? There's still food... but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated.
+The winner and still champion, Reliable Red Barclay!
+My hat's off to you, Red. You're a true American hero. And you did it with style and dignity and... Hey, you're not breathing. Don't people usually breathe?
+This man is dead. Looks to me like beef poisoning.
+Probably from some other restaurant.
+You'd better take one of these too. He's eaten quite a lot.
+There goes the finest trucker who ever lived.
+He called me "Greenhorn." I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
+In 38 years, he never missed a shipment. But I guess this is one delivery ol' Red won't be making.
+Oh yes he will! And on time, too!
+Oh no. Oh, no...
+I've got to, honey. I owe it to ol' Red, as both his friend and his killer.
+Oh, lemme go with you, Dad!
+Don't you have school?
+Don't you have work?
+Ah, touché.
+Bye, Marge!
+Aren't you gonna say bye?
+Good-bye, Homer.
+That didn't sound like you meant it.
+Oh, all right. Good-bye, sweetheart, have a nice trip.
+That's more like it. So long, suckers!
+Why? You already know I'm here, don't ya?
+Why you gotta... Come on! Ah! Now I'm gettin' the hang of this thing. I don't know why I didn't become a trucker before.
+Well, you're not really a trucker now.
+Oh, yeah? My left arm says different.
+Well, according to Red's schedule, we have to make it to Atlanta in three days.
+Piece o' cake. Just need a little truck-driving music.
+"If you wanna be my lover / You gotta get with my friends / Makin' love forever / Friendship's where that ends / If you wanna be my lover...,if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends makin love forever friendships where that ends if you wanna be my lover,25
+62484,220,101,Homer Simpson: (DREAMILY) Yeah... the open road.,559000,true,2,1902,Homer Simpson,Red's Truck,Yeah... the open road.,yeah the open road,4
+62485,220,102,Homer Simpson: (BITTER) That little punk. I'll teach him some manners.,565000,true,2,1902,Homer Simpson,Red's Truck,That little punk. I'll teach him some manners.,that little punk ill teach him some manners,8
+62486,220,103,"Bart Simpson: No
+That little punk.
+Lisa, we got another postcard from your father!
+"Wish you were her." How many of these is he going to send me?
+Wow, Dad and Bart have been everywhere! They've eaten submarine sandwiches, grinders, and hoagies.
+It's not fair. Your father always gets to have such exciting adventures. Maybe it's time we took a walk on the wild side...
+We're buying a new doorbell?
+A musical doorbell!
+So many doorbells... I'm in way over my head.
+Ohhh, great, look at my shoes! And today's my evaluation with Señor Ding-Dong.
+Excuse me, mister... Trainee, I'm trying to find a musical doorbell.
+Well, you came to the right place. We got your ding-dang-dongs, and your do-re-mi's, and your uh... ha-cha-cha's, uh?
+I'm trying to find a particular tune. It's the one that goes like dah-da-dahhh dah-da-dahhh.
+Mom, is this the one you want?
+Yes, that's it! Lisa, you oughta be a doorbell salesman!
+Just do it.
+Oh, that's just what I need, another piranha in the tank.
+A little more high-test, darlin'?
+Sure thing, Gwenn.
+I'll be right back with your pie, hon.
+Aww... that's a nice, friendly gal.
+Wouldn't it be great to live right here at the truck stop? Watching all the people come and go. You could have a different best friend every day.
+I suppose.
+Great. I'll write your mother and tell her the marriage is off. And then when the paperwork is done, I'll make Gwenn my wife.
+Will that be all, sweetie?
+For now...
+The light's on. All systems are ding-dong!
+Come on, Mom, let's take it for a test drive.
+Uhp. It's not a toy, Lisa. We'll just have to wait until someone comes.
+Anyone? Anyone at all?
+Oh, Milhouse is selling seeds! And he's coming this wa... Oh, the birds got him.
+Oh! Oh! Not the face!
+If your father was here, there'd be process servers, repo men, and bounty hunters to beat the band.
+Wait, people are coming. I think they're Jehovah's Witnesses.
+Wait, Marlon. You know, I just had a thought. Maybe we're bothering people by trying to change their religion. What if we don't have all the answers?
+You're right, Noreen. Let's go get real jobs.
+I would have feigned interest.
+Still no visitors! It's time we opened up a can of whup-tushy on this situation. What's the number for Luigi's?
+Dad's got it on the speed dial under "Fire."
+This is it, honey. We did it.
+Dammit!
+Ring the bell!
+Nothin' doin', missy. Now do you want your half-order of garlic bread or not?
+No, but if you'll just ring the--
+Oh, that's it. I'm putting an end to this.
+Lisa, no, no, don't! It won't be the--
+Ohhh, it's heavenly! "Why do birds suddenly appear... over there, over here..."
+Why is it playing over again?
+Who cares?! No one could ever get sick of this song. "Suddenly appear..."
+Hey, get that truck outta here!
+You mean... it ate Patrick, too?
+It ate everybody.
+What about... Erika?
+It ate everybody.
+Stupid!
+I bet ol' Red caught himself a mess o' catfish with these fishing sticks.
+Uh-huh. Bet he used bait, too.
+Relax, boy. We're ahead of schedule.
+Actually, we have to go twenty-two hundred miles in ten hours.
+Ten hours?! We gotta roll!
+Uh, yeah. I need something that'll keep me awake, alert, and reckless all night long.
+Well, Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these...
+Hey! You can't take that many pep pills at once!
+No problem. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.
+Okay-We're-All-Set-Let's-Put-The-Pedal-To-The-Metal!
+I whole-heartedly-agree. Oh-man-I'm-really-wired. This-is-a-big-mistake-I-can... Ohhh, here comes the sleeping pills. So drowsy. Pep-pills-perking-up-again. I-could-drive allll Niiight...
+I fell asleep at the wheel! But we didn't crash. It's a miracle!
+You'll never believe what happened. I fell asleep at the wheel and the truck drove here by itself.
+Yeah, that Navitron Auto-Drive System's made our jobs cushier than ever.
+The what now?
+You know, this thing.
+With this baby drivin' your truck for ya, all you gotta do is sit back and feel your ass grow.
+The trucks drive themselves?
+Sh-hey-hey-hey-sh! Didn't your union rep tell you about the scam we got goin'?
+Well, I'm not really a trucker, so I don't talk to the rep that often.
+Now listen pal, here's the deal. You stumbled on a secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know.
+Hey. Pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel.
+We get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs. You think anybody'd hire us if they knew we weren't really drivin' the trucks?
+Wow! You guys are even lazier than me! Well, don't worry. I'll keep your secret.
+See that you do.
+Hey, Bart, watch me run down this old lady.
+Dad, no!
+The second I let go of the wheel, this little wonder kicks in.
+And if scaring old ladies don't float your boat, watch this!
+C'mon out, boy. It's windy.
+Wow, you're right, Dad. It is windy.
+Hey look! Nobody's driving.
+Well, well. / What's that? / Will wonders never cease?
+Relax, everybody! The Navitron Auto-Drive System is driving the truck for me! But keep it a secret! It's a big scam! Okay?
+What the hell...? Breaker, breaker, looks like we got us a ten-thirty-eight.
+Uh, Ten-thirty-eight. Ah, let's see. Ah, "outsider blabbin' about auto-drive system."
+Well, we'll have to teach our friend some discretion.
+Yep, just like we did to Jimmy Hoffa.
+Hey, shut up!
+Callin' all big rigs. Motor mouth on Highway Seven. You know what to do.
+Ten-four. / That's a big ten-four. / Ten-four.
+Mom, I need to get some sleep! I have a test tomorrow in birds suddenly appear. I mean, English.
+Okay, okay! Let me just get the wire cutters.
+Oh, your father traded our tools for M&M's again. Ah, the heck with it.
+Look, son. It's one of nature's most beautiful sights -- the convoy.
+He hit us!
+Oh, I shoulda known. They're hazing us, to initiate us into the truckers' fraternity.
+Thank you sir, may I have another?
+Dad, they're trying to kill us!
+Oh, why do all my trips end like this?
+Eat water, good buddy.
+Aaiieeee!!
+Whoa, look at him roll.
+Oh! My good knife! My wife's gonna kill me.
+I think we lost 'em, Bart.
+Dad, stop!
+Well, well, well. Looks like we've got ourselves a showdown, boy.
+All right.
+What are you doing?
+I'm keeping a promise to an American roadmaster.
+Red. The trucker. Big fat guy, couldn't handle his steak?
+Oh, yeah.
+/ Simpson, you'd better turn that thing...!
+We'll get past that barrier somehow. Ol' Blinky here will find a way.
+I'm afraid I can't let you do this, Red. The risk is unacceptable.
+I'm not Red, I'm Homer.
+Gotta go.
+Dad, do something!
+Something better!
+Woo hoo!
+Now that man is a genuine, steel-belted, gear-jammin' rig jockey.
+That's a fact. / Boy howdy. / Boy, you can say that again. / Yeap.
+You know, boys, I been thinkin'. Maybe it's time we ditched the high-tech gizmos and went back to drivin' like our daddies did.
+No! N-no, using our hands and our wits. Yeah, sure it's hard work, and it's lonely as hell, but it has meaning and dignity. Huh, whattaya say?
+Nah. Let's just find some other scam.
+Hey! How 'bout bootlegging Beanie Babies?
+Sounds good to me. / Oooh, I like that.
+Yep. You're gonna make it, Dad. And somewhere up there, I bet Red is saying thanks.
+Ten-four, dead buddy.
+This is Red Barclay's shipment. On time, as always.
+All right, let's see... Artichokes... aannnd migrant workers. Lookin' good. So, where is ol' Red anyway?
+Well... the last time I saw him, he was in a big plastic bag.
+Yeah, that sounds like Red, all right.
+Well, son. I guess it's time to go home.
+Any thoughts on how we're gonna get there?
+No, but I'm sure the good Lord will provide.
+Are you crazy? I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield!
+Thank you.
+I'm really sorry, everybody, but I've tried everything. I'm afraid we're just going to have to learn to live with it.
+No, no, no, no dice. All right, chimey, this time, the bell tolls for thee.
+Ay yay yay, Señor Ding-Dong!
+I thought you were just a marketing gimmick.
+There was a time when that was true. But now, I am so much more.
+Oh my. Gracias, Señor.
+De nada. If you ever need me, just ring.
+Does anyone have any jumper cables?
+Oh you, stinking Chevy.
+And as we pass the collection plate, please give as though the person next to you were watching.
+Oh, man. This is the hottest Easter ever.
+Even that praying mantis is losin' it.
+Thank you, Helen. And thank you all for your kind contribu-- . A chocolate bunny?!
+Who put this wicked idol in the collection plate?
+Relax, I found it in the dumpster.
+Perhaps we need a hefty dose of the Good Book...
+In the beginning...
+Excuse me, Reverend? It's, ah, hard to hear you with those fans goin'.
+Well, let's get those off then.
+In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth...
+Oooo. What a beautiful garden. It's almost like paradise.
+Heads up!
+Well, hel-lo!
+Uh, aren't you hurt?
+Hey, Chief, he splashed me.
+'Course not. There's no pain in the Garden of Eden. Hey, you must be Eve.
+Uh, I guess.
+Looks like God made you out of my sexiest rib.
+Speaking of ribs, is there any grub around here?
+Is there!
+Good morning, Adam. Any bacon for you, then?
+Don't mind if I do!
+Hi-diddly-ho, paradise dwellers!
+Uh, good morning, Lord. I just have to, ah, compliment you on this beautifully crafted mate.
+Oh Adam, you're too kind.
+No, you're too kind. And wise, and righteous... I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend.
+Oh-ho-ho-ho, please. You're gonna give me a swelled head. I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.
+Well, some general-interest magazines would be nice.
+You got it, Eve.
+There you go.
+Oh, thanks.
+Well, I'd better skedaddle. Oh, there's one more weensy little thing -- you see that tree over there?
+I hate to be a bossy Betty, but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit.
+No problem, Lord. And it would be even easier to avoid that temptation if I had a few extra wives.
+Just sayin'...
+Oh, how cute. Let's call this little guy a "groundhog..."
+Sorry, I already gave him a name. "Land monster."
+Really? Well, what do you call that thing on the branch?
+Branch monster.
+Please, please call me Snake. Yo, have you dudes sampled this fruit? It's like God's private stash.
+But He said it was forbidden.
+Quite so, mum. I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite and well, that was the last of -- Egad!
+Why won't you be art?!
+Please stop eating that. God's gonna furious.
+You're pretty uptight for a naked chick. You know what would loosen you up? A little fruit.
+Well, it is a sin to waste food...
+And you keep saying we need to do things together...
+This could really spice up those pies I've been making...
+What the dickens?!
+Eve, did you taste of the forbidden fruit?
+Yes, God.
+Doggone it, Eve, I think you'd better hightail it outta this Garden!
+Adam, say something.
+Uh, um, uh... I think we should see other people?
+You heard me.
+Vamoose!
+Usually a mink massage makes me feel better. But something's missing now.
+I didn't say stop.
+Lovely day in paradise, isn't it?
+Yeah, just like yesterday.
+Today I'm featuring mouth-watering pork ribs. Tuck in, then!
+I gave a rib to Eve, and now she's gone forever.
+One whole rib, and still standing. Well, aren't you the plucky one, sir.
+Oh, poor Eve. What are you doing out there in that horrible place?
+I'm toiling! What does it look like?
+This is my fault. I shoulda stood up for you during that whole "Applegate" thing.
+Well, it's a little late for apologies now.
+Don't say that! Maybe I can sneak you back in. I mean, God can't be everywhere at once, right?
+Somebody order a hole?
+Oooh, that's a tight squeeze.
+Oh, thank you. Are you okay?
+I'll be fine. Just give me a second to... ugh...
+C'mon, Eve. Hurry!
+Ohhh, my dear, sweet Eve. I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush.
+So! This is how you repay me, Adam!
+And after I created my fingers to the bone for you I... My unicorn! Oh, what have they done to you, Gary?
+Oh, there, there, I'm sure he's gone to a better place, Lord.
+Oh, shut up. You are so banished.
+Hey, now let's not do anything rash... God is love, right?
+God, you have every right to flick me out too. But before you...
+Ohhh, my back. So this must be that pain thing.
+Oh, yeah. Definitely pain!
+This sucks. Things were so much better back in the Garden.
+I'm sure God will let us return soon. I mean, how long can He hold a grudge?
+... Forever and ever... ... and ever and...
+And that concludes Genesis, the first of the sixty-six books of the Bible. Moving on to Exodus...
+And Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and who did he beget?
+All right, let's go, ya wee Israelites. Back to slavin'.
+Man, captivity blows.
+Talk to the whip!
+On your knees, ya mugs. It's the Pharaoh!
+Ah, excellent progress, Slavedriver Willie. Kudos on your whipping.
+Ah, he noticed.
+Suffering sarcophagus! My tomb!
+Who did this??!
+C'mon, confess! Don't make me slay all the first-born males again!
+Bart did it.
+I saw him do it.
+Take him away, boys.
+No! The bush set me up!
+As for the rest of you, it's time for a little discipline. Slavedriver, put away the Encouragement Whip and break out the Cruel Whip.
+Heh, that's that new Omni-Lash, boys. Just look at that snap-back.
+Yeah, sweet.
+We can't keep living like this. Moses, ask Pharaoh to let your people go.
+Oh, now they're my people.
+Scrub harder, slave. I want to be able to eat off that thing. And make it snappy, it's almost lunchtime.
+Excuse me, uh, Pharaoh? I think Moses here has something to ask you. Go.
+Let-my-people-go.
+Let your people go?! I've never heard such insolence. You call yourselves slaves?
+Well , the ball's in his court now.
+All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. Krabapatra.
+Bird. Bird. Giant eye...
+Pyramid. Bird.
+Mm-hm. Very good... Ah, giant eye. Dead fish. Cat head. Cat head. Cat head. Guy doing this...
+What the-- ?
+Keep that plague coming, Moses.
+Frogs away!
+We spent all our money, but it was worth it. Now he's gotta let us go!
+How am I supposed to get up there?
+Mmmm! These are the juiciest frogs I have ever eaten. Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves.
+It's a plague, you moron! And we've got lots more planned, and there's nothing you can do about it!
+So long, kids. Give my regards to the British Museum.
+Do you think we could ever be more than just friends?
+Not now, Moses. We gotta find a way outta here.
+I know we built a secret passage in here somewhere.
+I found it!
+We're outta here!
+Eh, slave labor. You get what you pay for.
+Our time has come! Follow me to freedom!
+Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are exodusing as we speak.
+Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
+Okay, but who's gonna build your pyramids?
+Well, we cou-- After them!
+We'll never be able to swim that far.
+Oy carumba!
+Screw this, I'm converting.
+Save us, o mighty Ra!
+Hey, cut that out! I have an idea.
+All right, Moses, lead your people.
+Flush!!
+It's a miracle! I performed a miracle! I'm a genius!
+Yeah, yeah. Hurry, everyone! We don't have much time!
+After them, men! Into the temporarily dry sea!
+Aw, nuts.
+Look, nobody likes a crybaby. Okay? You just splash him back.
+Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt. So, what's next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey?
+Hmm, well, actually, it looks like we're in for forty years of wandering the desert.
+Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right?
+Uh, more or less. Hey, is that manna?
+Yayyy! / Manna!
+Whoa-ho-ho!
+Now we come to King Solomon, whose wisdom was like a drill, boring into the rock of injustice. Boring... Boring... Boring...
+King Solomon, these men need you to settle a dispute. They each claim ownership of this pie.
+The pie shall be cut in two. Then each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie.
+Okay, next up... Jesus Christ vs. Checker Chariot.
+Ohh, Dad, you're sitting on my arm.
+And after David smote Goliath, the people crowded into the Temple, where a cool breeze blew not, and their hearts were filled with crankiness...
+I'm bored. Send in my jester.
+Hey, hey, King David! Ha, ha, how ya doin'? Now I'm not saying Jezebel's easy, but before she moved to Sodom, it was known for its pottery.
+What else you got?
+Ahh... yeah... well, wait a minute, I got somethin' on the Canaanites. They are so stupid.
+Methuselah, my oldest friend. Who did this to you?
+It was... Goliath.
+But Goliath is dead. I smote him myself. I smoted him good.
+No, it was his son, Goliath Two.
+Nooo... Goliath Two is gonna pay. And this time it's biblical.
+I'll just give Goliath Two the ol' rock to the head, applause applause, "ya gotta believe in yourself, stay in school," and we're outta here.
+I don't know, Davey.
+Quiet, you.
+Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey...
+Let's get it on...
+See ya later, Davey.
+You killed my best friend.
+You killed my father. Who was like a best friend.
+All I need is my trusty sling and one good hard...
+Say, how's tomorrow for you?
+What say you now, Goliath? Without your precious hair, you no longer possess your fantastic strength!
+That's Samson, idiot.
+Let my proclamation go out across the land: Haw haw!
+Haw haw!
+I hope this doesn't get into the Bible.
+You're King David! I love you 'cause you kill people.
+Well, get yourself another hero, kid. I'm all washed up.
+Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.
+Goliath Two is really gonna pay. Get ready to meet the first action hero.
+All right. It's giant slayin' time...
+Jonah! You died the way you lived - inside a whale.
+I trampled four giant-slayers today. I think I earned this.
+Don't you know smoking stunts your growth?
+Well, well, well. If it isn't the little Prince.
+I'm not afraid of you, Goliath. Before I was arrogant. But now, my heart is humble, and my spirit is...
+What do you know? A king fit for a meal.
+Hope I don't give you heartburn!
+Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead! Although I haven't seen his body, the blast that failed to kill me, surely killed the giant. Anyhoo, now that I'm your king again...
+Ralph! I thought you were dead!
+Rejoice, good people. Goliath the Terrible shall rule no more!
+But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had.
+He built roads, hospitals, libraries...
+To us he was "Goliath the Consensus Builder."
+You're under arrest for megacide.
+Where's your Messiah now?
+Everyone's gone!
+Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, we slept right through church.
+Eh, it's not the end of the world.
+Oh no, it's the Apocalypse. Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?
+Not anymore.
+It's the Rapture. And I never knew true love.
+I never used those pizza coupons.
+Why aren't we ascending into Heaven?
+Oh, right. The sins.
+Where do you think you're going, Missy?
+Ooh, I smell barbecue!
+Hey, look! Oh, they're out of hot dogs! And the cole slaw has pineapple in it! German potato salad!
+You put da beer in da coconut and drink it all up / You put da beer in da coconut and throw da can away...
+You throw da can away...
+I said Homer!
+You throw da can away...
+Marge, I'm out of beer.
+You know, Homie, a lot of men use their Saturdays to do things around the house, hint, hint.
+But, Marge, I'm not like other men. That's why you buy my pants at that special store.
+I'm serious. You never finished painting the garage.
+And you could at least get that snake out of the piano...
+Fine. I'll drop everything I'm doing just for you. But you'll have to live with the guilt of ruining my Saturday. Can you live with that, Marge? Huh? Can ya?
+Can you?
+God... bless him!
+'Scuse me, I have a few questions for Pop.
+That's me!
+You're "Pop"? No offense, but even I could kick your ass.
+Hey, get off my case. The only reason I'm working here is 'cause I'm trying to get a date with "Mom."
+Look Pop, I'm planning some expert home repairs, and I need a pair of bolt cutters, or wire cutters, or something to get the lock off my toolbox.
+Aisle one, next to the cat poison.
+Edna, look. A dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest.
+You mean the janitor's closet? Ha!
+I'd like to return this barbecue kit.
+What's the matter, Edna? Lately you just say "Ha!" to everything.
+I want a baby. Now.
+Why don't we continue this in pool supplies.
+Hi, I'm Doug Vaccaro. You know me as Chip, the wisecracking assistant on the hit sitcom, "Toolin' Around."
+A man in an apron!
+But today I'm here as a "tool" of Global Dynamics Corp. You know, installing your own barbecue pit is no harder than adding an aviary, or Olympic-sized swimming pool. In fact, it's a snap!
+Or if you're not into chicken...
+No, no, I'm into chicken.
+How 'bout wild boar? Or swordfish? Or hippo?
+Mmmm... hippo...
+Light-hearted apron not included. Snapping fingers may not make food appear.
+How 'bout it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit?
+Can I burn evidence in it?
+We can all burn evidence in it.
+There, that wasn't so hard... was it, honey?
+Dad, I really need to rest my back.
+Okay, sweetie. Daddy'll take over.
+Oh, yeah. That's a fine looking...
+Okay, no big deal...
+Stupid Lisa.
+You gotta build fast! Cement drying!
+All right, let's see...
+English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille?" What the hell is that?!
+Come on... fit you...
+Yeah, that's one fine-looking barbecue pit... Why doesn't mine look like that?!
+Why?! Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry?
+How's your father's project coming along?
+I think he's almost done.
+Yeah, he's done.
+All returned items must be in a box and accompanied by a receipt.
+Well, if you'll follow the flashlight, you'll see the receipt embedded here and here... and elements of the box here, here, and possibly here.
+Sorry. I didn't get this hammer hat by handing out refunds.
+Come on, you...
+Yeah, hold on there, Santa Claus. That box is for toys only.
+Well, of course. Any kid would love to have this, uh... activity center. It teaches them while they learn.
+Yeah, nice try, Saint Nick. Now hit the road, Kris Kringle.
+But, but...
+You heard me, Père Noël.
+Whatcha got there?
+Beanie Baby.
+I'll never get rid of it. It'll follow me to the ends of the Earth!
+All right! My bumper fell off!
+Not my fault! Act of God! Act of God!
+Shaving my shoulders / I'm gettin' it all shaved off...
+Homie, someone's at the door. They want to talk to you about some sort of car accident.
+Take the kids out back.
+I'll handle this.
+Mr. Simpson? I believe something of yours struck my car yesterday.
+Oh yeah? Prove it.
+That's your license plate, isn't it?
+Uh... All right! Just go ahead and sue me. Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000.
+I'm not here to sue you. My name is Astrid Weller. I own an art gallery and I'd love to display your piece.
+You mean this hunka junk? This isn't art. Just a barbecue that pushed me over the edge. Didn't you? Didn't you?! You stupid so...
+Art isn't just pretty pictures. It's an expression of raw human emotion. In your case, rage.
+Oh, I got that, lady.
+Is everything okay? I got worried when I didn't hear any shots.
+This lady says I'm an artist.
+You, an artist?
+Your husband's work is what we call "Outsider Art." It could be by a mental patient or a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
+In high school I was voted "Most Likely to be a Mental Patient, Hillbilly, or Chimpanzee!"
+Well, you should be very excited, because outsider art couldn't be hotter.
+So you'd better catch the fever. Catch it...
+Dad, chew with your mouth closed. You're losing your mystique.
+Lisa, all great artists love free food. Check out Jasper Johns.
+You squeal on me, I'll kill you.
+Hmm, I don't know. I studied art for years, but I just don't get this.
+Sounds like somebody's jealous.
+No I'm not. I just can't believe some people are paying hundreds of dollars for something a hillbilly pulled out of the trash.
+Hey, I done studied for years on how to get over that junkyard fence! Then I learnt the gate was open.
+Smithers, I think I'm in love!
+With this sculpture!
+Sir, that's by Homer Simpson. I don't think you want to buy it.
+Smithers, years ago, I blew the chance to buy Picasso's "Guernica" for a song. Luckily, that song was "White Christmas," and by hanging onto it, I made billions.
+Anyway, I love this hideous thing. Young lady, I'll take it!
+Congratulations, Homer -- you're now a professional artist!
+Woo hoo! Look, Marge, my first sale! In your face, Jasper Johns!
+Where are you going with that junk, Dad?
+I'm gonna be an outsider artist! That way, I can turn all these old baseball cards, Disney memorabilia, and antiques into something valuable.
+Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture -- but don't you think it may have been a fluke?
+Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.
+That's my life you're describing.
+I think I remember my own life, Marge.
+Astrid said the key to my art is anger. But you know me, I'm Mister Mellow.
+So I'm giving you kids permission to get me mad. C'mon, gimme what you got.
+Well, if it'll help - Um, Mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy.
+Good work, honey. Keep it comin'.
+Well, I'm flunkin' math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.
+Moe, this is Astrid, my "dealer." And these are my fans, Gunter, Kyoto, and Cecil Hampstead-on-Cecil-Cecil.
+So, uh, you guys are Eurotrash, huh? How's that, uh, workin' out for ya?
+Eh, to be honest, we are adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
+Uh-huh. So, ah, where might this sea be located?
+I must get back to my hotel and practice my affectations for tomorrow. Bon soir.
+What do we owe you, Moe?
+Nothin', nothin'. Just gimme a priceless sketch with a certificate of authenticity.
+All right.
+Hey, Moe, can I pay with a drawing?
+Yeah, nice try there, Twelve-Step.
+Uh, Homer, you're, uh, makin' us a little bit uncomfortable.
+Relax, big guy. He's just doin' this for his art, right Homer?
+Here he is. This is where the... "magic" happens.
+Wonderful news, Homer.
+Is it about pies?
+Uh, no. We're going to hold a show devoted entirely to you.
+Wow. It's like Marge's dream come true... for me! Isn't that great, Marge?! For me!
+Look Marge, they're advertising my show in "Art in America." It's the first time I've been mentioned there, that I know of.
+I'm happy for you. Now g'night.
+Good night.
+You're upset about something. Is this about that trip Barney and I took to Machu Picchu?
+No, Homer, being an artist was my dream. But now, without even trying, you've accomplished more in a week than I have in my whole life.
+Aw, honey, I've always liked your art. Your paintings look like the things they look like.
+That's sweet, but, well, how would you like it if I, I don't know, entered a belching contest?
+Frankly, I'd be a little turned on.
+You don't understand.
+Marge, I've screwed up everything I've ever done. I mean, look at Bart. But I finally found something where people worship me for screwing up. And that feels pretty good.
+Well, I guess nothing else matters as long as you're happy.
+Now you're making sense. Good night.
+And now for a Rembrandt...
+Homer is the most dangerous artist on the Springfield scene. Now, let's see what surprises he has for us tonight.
+I give you "Botched Hibachi." The tricycle is on loan from the Maggie Simpson collection.
+This piece I call "Failed Shelving Unit with Stupid Stuck Chainsaw and Applesauce."
+And finally, my thing de resistance, "Attempted Birdhouse I."
+Shall we start the bidding at, say, ten thousand dollars?
+All right, how about a million?
+I'll give you two bucks for the bird, if it's still alive.
+What's going on here? You weirdos love this stuff.
+Homer, I'm afraid they only love what's new and shocking. These pieces are just like your earlier work.
+You've gone from hip to boring. Why don't you call us when you get to kitsch.
+Come on, Gunter, Kyoto. If we hurry we can still catch the heroin craze.
+Wait! Come back! I'm a God to you! Worship me -- or fear my wrath! Please fear my wrath, please... Call me.
+I don't get it. Why don't people like my art anymore?
+Homer, I know you worked hard, but all of your... things were kind of the same.
+Hey, Ray J. Johnson never changed his act and he's more popular now than he's ever been.
+You can call him Ray / Or you can call him J. / Or you can call him Ray J. / But you doesn't have to call him...
+I'm sick of him already.
+The point is, great artists are always trying new things, like Michelangelo or Shaquille O'Neal. You just need some inspiration.
+It's so exciting to do something cultural together.
+Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.
+Ow! Oh no, I'm being erased!
+Move it, bub!
+We got an installation to installate.
+A Claes Oldenburg. He's a European who defied convention and embraced American popular culture.
+He must be a hundred feet tall.
+Now this is a Joseph Turner. In an era when everyone else painted portraits, he broke away by painting the Venetian Canals.
+It's glorious! The streets are paved with water. You could ride a walrus to work!
+Hit the road, "Welcome Home."
+And Picasso started out painting realistically, then moved on to cubism. By the end of his life, he was just painting crank letters to the editor. They call it his "angry jerk" period.
+Mmmm, split-pea.
+With ham!
+Any ideas yet?
+No, these guys are geniuses. I could never think of something like soup or a pencil.
+I'm just gonna rest for a minute.
+What the?! Who the?! Hey!
+Ow! Ah! No! Ow! Ow! Hey! Ow! Ow! You're mean.
+Hasta la vista, baby.
+Soup's on, fat boy!
+Ow! Hey! No! No! Ow! N-No! Ow!
+No, no, Andy, no!
+Homer... Homer...
+Marge! Why does Art hate me? I never did anything to Art.
+Oh, let's get out of here.
+Well, Dad, if the museum didn't inspire you, maybe you should do something really radical, like Christo.
+Is he that jerk that revealed the magicians' secrets?
+No, Christo is a conceptual artist who does huge outdoor projects. He once wrapped the Reichstag in plastic.
+Not the Reichstag!
+Oh, yes, and he also set up hundreds of yellow umbrellas along the California highway...
+Why'd he do that?
+To make the world a more magical place, I guess. Although they did blow over and kill some people.
+Killer umbrellas? Of course. Exquisite.
+No, Dad, no. My point is you have to do something big and daring.
+Big? Daring? Lisa, that's it! I've got an idea for a wonderful art project that'll make everyone love me again. Step one: steal all the doormats in town.
+Adios, "Casa de Flanders."
+See you in hell, "God Bless This House."
+So long, The Simpsons!
+Step two: snorkel the animals.
+It wasn't easy, but I got all the grizzlies.
+Great. I'll do the pony while you do the lions.
+Make sure you strap 'em on real tight.
+Now, step three...
+Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
+That's for the courts to decide, son.
+Wake up! Wake up, Springfield!
+I've got a surprise for youuu!
+Oh Lord. What now?
+Oh, that can't be good.
+People of Springfield, behold my latest work!
+Homer, what have you done?
+It's conceptual art -- the Grand Canals of Springfield. Just like Venice without the black plague. What do you think?
+I think some people are going to be upset.
+I love it, Homer. You've turned this town into a work of art. I just wish Jasper Johns hadn't stolen my boat...
+So long, suckers.
+Well, they're in the business. Real people might not be so understanding.
+What the flood?!
+Maude, it's a miracle! The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous!
+Isn't that Homer Simpson?
+Looks like Heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.
+Ohhh, I hate these flood pants.
+Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!
+Edna, I'm gonna pop you a question and... I hope the answer is yes.
+Do you think Mother would like this hat pin?
+Oh. Yes.
+Oh, you've made me the happiest man on earth.
+Well, Homer, I have to admit, you created something people really love. You truly are an artist.
+No, I'm just a nut who couldn't build a barbecue. You'll always be the artist in the family.
+Is that our house?
+And is that us on the roof?
+That's us.
+Are we kissing?
+Ooh, I don't know. Could be. I need some inspiration.
+Ah, but Paris would make a très bon site for the next Olympic Games.
+And, ah, why is that?
+We don't have to explain ourselves to the likes of you!
+I await your reply.
+I recommend Moscow, where the American dollar buys seven rubles.
+Twelve rubles. Sixty rubles. One thousand Rubles? I must go!
+I suggest Motown.
+Detroit?
+No, no. Mongolia Town. Home of the Motown Sound:
+You are all crazy! The answer is Buenos Aires.
+Hokkaido! / Cleveland! / Uganda! / Bangkok!
+People, people, please! You're forgetting what the Olympics are about: giving out medals of beautiful gold, so-so silver, and shameful bronze.
+Hit the road, Lefty. You too, Rizzo.
+Thank you! Thank you!
+I have here a letter from a little girl named Lisa Simpson. She says her town might not be important enough to host the Olympics, but she asks if the torch could just pass by so she can experience the glow that we feel every day.
+Well, I say we don't bring her the torch. I say we bring her the Olympic Games! Who is with me?
+Well, I don't care, it's my decision.
+Springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next Olympics. Economists predict our city will experience the same boom that Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1984 games.
+And it's all because of your letter, Lisa.
+Well, actually, I just wrote it for a school assignment. Everyone else wrote to the Back Street Boys.
+To honor the arrival of our foreign friends and enemies, Channel Six is sponsoring a contest to find a Springfield Olympic Mascot. The winner will join such other memorable mascots as the Atlanta "Whazzit"... and the Montreal "Vampire."
+A mascot contest?! I'm sure to win that. Unless one of you jinxes me.
+No one's gonna jinx you, Homer. In fact, we're rooting for you.
+Yeah, go for the gold, Dad!
+Shut up, shut up, shut up!
+Well, you said I couldn't do it, but here it is! Meet Abby the Olympic Tabby.
+How'd you get the eyes to move?
+You papier mache'd my cat?!
+Just for the prototype, honey.
+Knowing you always hate my first idea, I prepared a backup. How about a big Olympic hello for Springy, the Springfield Spring!
+Those aren't the dog's eyes, are they?
+Hey, that's cute.
+Good work, Dad.
+It's fun for the whole family. And the ends are razor sharp to protect our nation and its interests.
+God bless America!
+Aw, Cinnamon. Don't make this harder than it already is.
+Bravo, Springfield! I've never seen such a clean sewer.
+And we are positively inspired by your solar power plant.
+Yes, love that sun, man!
+And we will do anything, including but not limited to anything, to make your stay here tolerable.
+Yes, you'll be completely above the law. Uh, women, guns, cash, uh, whatever you need -- it's yours.
+And that's not all. We've just chosen our official Olympic mascot.
+Oh! / Springs!
+They picked Springy! In your face, Patty and Selma!
+Well, we still love you, Ciggy.
+Mm, that glue really gives it a pop.
+And now, because the children are our future, here are the children of Springfield Elementary with a song they call "The Children are our Future." Children?
+"Children, children, future, future..."
+Are you ready for the...
+"Children! Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
+The future is a...
+"Coming! Hey, hey, hey! Children, children, future, future..."
+I've never wanted a beer worse in my life.
+I love you, honey.
+Are you talking to me or the beer?
+To you, my bubbly, long-necked, beechwood-aged lover.
+Children! Children! Children are the future! Kids!
+Yayyy! Bravo! / Magnifique! / Sehr gut! Sehr gut! Sehr gut!
+Muy bueno. It gives me great pride to officially declare the next Olympics will be held right here in...
+Wait! Wait! We have one more act! The patriotic comedy stylings of Bart Simpson!
+So, uh, you're from Russia, huh?
+You drunk yet?
+Poland, eh? Ha. Too easy. How you doin', Germany? Here's my impression of an East German woman, "Kiss me or I'll crush you."
+He says what we're all thinking.
+I'm not thinking that!
+Hey, Swiss Miss. There's no missin' you, babe. Heh, heh. Lay off the cocoa.
+Now I'd like to say one last thing to our Olympic representatives: if there was a medal for horrible audiences, you'd get the gold. Peace out.
+Skin-ner!! How could you put this boy on with that horrible material?
+Well, it really did seem funny in rehearsal.
+And he didn't even get to his Ubangi routine.
+Ha, ha, ha. Laugh it up, ya punks. 'Cause you and Jan Murray here just cost our town the Olympics!
+Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
+I-- Oh. Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Eh, why do you ask?
+Uh, don't worry, sir, I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you twenty hours of community service.
+/ Oh, community service?! / Nooo! / Intercourse?
+What if we refuse?
+You won't pass to the next grade.
+I fail to see the threat.
+Skin-ner! Good idea. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titticaca. Let's see you make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy!
+All right, Martin. For your community service, you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program for inner-city street gangs.
+All right, gang. Shirts and skins. Let's hustle!
+Milhouse, do you like the beach?
+Who doesn't?
+Good, I want you to pick up all this medical waste that's washed up on the shore here.
+Ow! I pricked myself.
+Well, just keep working. You'll prick yourself with the antidote sooner or later.
+What are you gonna do to me?
+Bart, not all community service is gang warfare and dangerous infection. And to illustrate that point, here's where you'll be working.
+The Fireworks, Candy and Puppy Dog Store?!
+No, no, no. Next to it.
+Settle a bet. Boil or mole?
+Okay. Just breathe through your mouth and don't ask how they're feeling.
+Oh, man...
+Aren't you a cutie-petutie. / Let's pull his skin. / I'm gonna touch his head.
+Oh, be a dear and snap my support hose to my girdle.
+Two o'clock. Recreation time.
+Phew, saved by the bell.
+Where do you think you're goin'?
+Oh no, Lis! They got you, too?
+"Got me?" What are you talking about? I've been volunteering here for a year.
+Hello, let's hear some numbers. I got a nice diagonal goin'.
+You sunk my battleship!
+You sunk my battleship!
+Oh, I got a bingo! What do I win?
+A banana!
+A whole one?
+Yes, sweeet.
+That's the prize?! A banana?
+Their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity.
+They're not babies, Lisa. Give 'em something fun, like cigars or booze.
+We tried giving them eggnog at Christmas, but it led to widespread de-shawling.
+And that's what they get for wearing such tight little shawls.
+Okay. Four o'clock. Nap time.
+You tell them when to sleep?
+Shhh. Don't wake them.
+While they sleep, we suck up excess dirt and crumbs.
+Here you go. Make sure you get into every crevice.
+Cool. Grampa, Homer. Grampa, Homer.
+Don't play with the faces.
+So, Bart, how was your first day of forced volunteerism?
+That place sucks! The nurses don't let Grampa do anything. They practically chew his food for him.
+Lucky stiff. I'm working my ass off here. Good steak, honey.
+The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart. They thrive on consistency, predictability, and a life with no surprises.
+Sounds good to me!
+I'llgetit.
+Delivery for Homer Simpson.
+Woo hoo! My springs! They finally came!
+But we lost the Olympics to Shelbyville.
+Yeah, but I should have no problem selling a thousand springs.
+To who?
+Idiots! Ooh, these are fun!
+Oh, Rhett. Rhett! Oh, Rhett. Where will I go? What will I do?
+Frankly, my dear... I love you. Let's remarry.
+Oh, what a lovely ending.
+They cut out the best word!
+Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?
+C'mon. You've been warned.
+Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat. Ahhh, can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair?... or scalps?
+Say, I hear a foghorn. BOR-ING...
+C'mon, Bart, we don't want to over-stimulate these people. They just had pudding.
+Hello, little girl, is your mommy home? You'll need to ask her for five dollars to buy Mr. Bouncy Best-Friend.
+I know you. Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics!
+Who is it, Mother?
+Bart Simpson's father.
+Oh! I'll be right down.
+Boy, Lenny, you sure look hungry. Have some nuts.
+Hey, thanks.
+Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
+Now if you want to be the life of the party like Lenny here, just place your order for this hilarious novelty item.
+Homer, get outta here.
+Boy, Moe, you sure look angry. Here, have some nuts.
+Hey, thanks.
+Ow! God, my eye! Ow! Get it out! Geez! Ow!
+Don't pull! Don't pull! I said don't pull! Don't!
+Now we're pulling into port. And who's waiting for us at the dock? Why, it's all your childhood dogs! I see Petey and Blackie and Schnoodle and...
+Oh no! Pirates!
+Pirates?!
+Ahoy mateys, it's me, Long Bart Silver and I'm gonna rip you a new I.V. hole.
+Bart, what are you doing?
+I'm just trying to liven things up around here. These people need to ride motorcycles and play rockin' electric guitars like the old people on TV.
+Excuse me, but when those pirates boarded, I swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping. Get me some ipecac. I'd like to expunge it.
+Okay, she's gone. Let's break out of here and have some fun!
+If I get up, somebody'll take my chair.
+Got that right. It's the only one left with padding.
+Padding...
+What about you, Chief? Don't you want to be free like the eagle?
+I don't live here. I'm just dropping off Indian casino pamphlets. Vote yes on Prop 217.
+You know, the door was open! Chief Break-everything!
+Come on, people. You don't want to stay in a place where they vacuum you while you sleep.
+They do what now?
+Now's our chance. Let's go!
+Oh no, Bart has stolen the elderly!
+Forgot my hat.
+Ow! Today's grass is far sharper than the grass in my day.
+Hey, everybody!
+How'd you like to go on a real boat trip?
+/ I'm there!
+Arrr, not a looker among 'em.
+Full speed ahead! Damn the torpedoes!
+What did he say? Put on our tuxedoes?
+I want some taquitos.
+Welcome to the Kitchen of Tomorrow today! Marge, how much would you pay for a self-flipping hamburger pan?
+Nothing.
+Don't answer yet. Watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers with the help of God's greatest creation, the spring.
+Now, watch this...
+Ow! Ohhh...
+Are you okay?
+Some second degree burns, but some first class burgers.
+I want you to get rid of these springs.
+But you haven't seen the Baby of Tomorrow! Ta-daa!
+Now if I drop her, no more tears.
+Give me my baby!
+"D" it up, Marge. I'm goin' to the hole.
+I want these springs out of our house today.
+You flush one down / It swirls around / Nine hundred and ninety-nine springs to flush down...
+You're not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you?
+Of course not! "Nine hundred and ninety-six springs to flush down / Nine hundred and ninety-six spriiings..."
+Oh, Abe, you dance divinely.
+I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.
+Aw, geez, this place used to be crawling with Russian subs. Now there's just four.
+Sea hag!
+Bart Simpson!
+Bart, are you crazy? You've got to get the old folks home to the Old Folks Home.
+No way! They're finally having some fun!
+How low can I go?
+That's it.
+Gee, Bart, maybe you were right.
+They don't even seem to care that it's medication time.
+Medication time? Hot dog! Gimme, gimme, gimme!
+I want some pills! / Blue ones! / I want pills!
+But I've set you free. No more nap time, no more bingo. You can do whatever you want!
+Let's play bingo!
+Yeah, let's play bingo!
+You sunk my battleship.
+Now Smithers, you say you painted all your Navy buddies this way?
+Until I was discharged, sir.
+I don't get it, Grampa. If you guys like all that boring stuff, why did you follow me out here?
+Gotta do something 'til bingo.
+How could you miss that huge boat coming right at us?
+Ohhh, two glass eyes.
+Oh, it's not fair. I'm not supposed to die now. I'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of fifteen.
+Ha, ha! You're not dead yet, you pudgy little pisher.
+Jack LaLanne!
+Don't worry. I'll save you the Jack LaLanne way.
+This is all Bart's fault!
+Let's get him. / I blame him. / I want some taquitos.
+Leave him alone! Sure, Bart's responsible for our deaths, but he gave us the most fun we had in twenty years. So before we go to our watery graves, I think we should...
+What the heck's going on?
+A hundred and thirty-five springs to flush down. A hundred and thirty-five springs...
+What a shame. Not a looker in the bunch.
+So, you workin' tomorrow at the home, Bart?
+Well, I finished my community service.
+Ohhh, right.
+But I could swing by after school. I'll bring the limbo stick.
+Hot diggity!
+Hey, stop shaking the harness.
+How low can I gooo...
+I'm back here.
+And welcome back now to "Cash in Your Legacy." This week we're appraising antiques in Springfield.
+This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the turn of the century, and remarkably, seems to have never been washed.
+Yeah, yeah, I been meanin' to wash that, but, uh, you know, it's been such a century...
+At auction, I'd expect this to bring twenty to thirty thousand dollars...
+Except that on the handle somebody's carved "HOMER ROCKS."
+And I do! Woo!
+Appraised value: fifteen dollars.
+I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him! Hey... Aw geez.
+I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this. When was the last time we went for a good old-fashioned family walk?
+Oh, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.
+Oh, come on, let's go for a walk! This family's getting so lazy.
+I'm not lazy, I'm just um, uhh... Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
+Why don't you finish your own darn...
+Fine. If we're not going for a walk, we'll just talk about our day. I wrote another poem about a duck.
+Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain.
+Get a horse!
+Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse?
+We're walking, Homer.
+There are some dogs. We could all ride dogs.
+Forget it. Nobody's riding any...
+Hi-yo Silver, away!
+Oh, look! There's the store where I buy my yarn. But you don't want to buy your buttons there.
+Pew, well, I dodged a bullet.
+Now there's the place you want to buy your buttons.
+And that's where the bookmobile lady used to live!
+If you love me, you'll kill me.
+Hey, Mom, look!
+Ooo, looks like something exciting's happening. Well, we'll have to read about it in tomorrow's paper.
+Why can't we see it now?
+Well, it's not really on our walking route...
+Where'd you get that champagne?
+Thanks, Noodles.
+All this commotion just for a store?
+Hey, it's not just a store. It's a "mega" store. "Mega" means "good." And "store" means "thing."
+Wow, what a high-tech wonderland. Oop, got an itch.
+Whoa! This place has everything! Even a shoplifting department.
+What convenience!
+I'm doing all my thieving here!
+This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart.
+Oh, I'm sorry, but... oh, it really is.
+Yes, I know, but... still.
+Hey, Dad, gimme fifty bucks. I gotta buy some things. Uh, better make it a hundred.
+Yeah, me too.
+Homer! Don't you think you're spoiling...
+New music? Man, all these bands are just rippin' off Judas Priest!
+Ooh, I hear this really sucks. Hm, "Director's Commentary".
+I'm sorry. I am really sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. But, uh, "Field of Dreams" was good, wasn't it? Made us all believe again...
+Ohh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard.
+Aw, thanks. You're sweet to say that.
+Uh... Where are you?
+Hi. W-Will you bring me a sandwich? Please? No-no crust.
+Step lively, Smithers. That orphanage won't demolish itself!
+Sir, ah, although I do enjoy your loud, excessive honking, it doesn't seem to be moving the crowd.
+Deploy the cow catcher.
+Once again my underwear has become tangled on a cow catcher. Ooo.
+Oh, tarnation! I've got to see what the excitement's about. Make way! Doctor coming through.
+Excuse me.
+So sorry.
+Pardon me, good sir.
+Well, hi-diddly...
+That's a good lad.
+Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next? A talking banana?
+Uh, I don't see one, sir.
+No, of course not. The very notion of a talking banana is absurd! Still.
+Attention, good shoppers of Springfield. Someone very special has just entered the store. The world's most popular billionaire...
+Ohhh, please. All this fuss for little ol' me?
+Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores, Arthur Fortune!
+Whaaa?!!
+Hello, Springfield!
+Hello, Arthur!
+You know, I've done a lot of exciting things in my life.
+I went down Mt. Everest on a boogie board...
+Climbed Niagara Falls...
+Yeah, they're not great.
+And, just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali.
+Oh, how awful.
+But this is the biggest thrill ever -- the opening of my one hundred and twelfth store.
+Now I'm afraid I've got some bad news from my accountant today. It seems I have too much money. Who wants a dollar?
+I do! I do! / Right here!
+Ha! All right. What's your name, young man?
+I don't know. Just give me the dollar.
+Well, I hope this starts you on your way to a great fortune. Now, who wants the second dollar?
+Uh... well... all right. Here.
+Oh, the heck with it. Dollars for everyone!
+For-tune! For-tune! For-tune! For-tune! For-tune! For-tune!
+That man's totally insane!
+Well, this goes right into the old poor box.
+Not so fast, old chum.
+We love Arthur Fortune / He gave us a dollar / We love Arthur Fortune / He gave us a dollar...
+That flamboyant fop! He's got them eating out of his hand.
+Well, you have to admit, he is charismatic, sir.
+Oh, bosh. Anyone can lead a conga line. Hop to it, Smithers. Con-ga, con-ga, con-ga!
+We love Monty Burns more. / Con-ga like you mean it. / Please don't make me shock you...
+Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune.
+The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?
+This new breed of fun-loving billionaire is a welcome change from the classic joyless miser, brooding in his cavernous mansion...
+...grasping a glass of brandy with his thin, claw-like fingers...and a superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face.
+I thought I had everything. Money, good looks, strong sharp teeth... But what's it all worth when nobody likes you?
+I like you, sir.
+Are you still here?
+Easy... easyyy...
+Woo hoo! Look at me, I can juggle!
+Mm... Simpson!
+I need your help. I want to be loved.
+I see. Well, I'll need some beer.
+I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune.
+Oh, Arthur Fortune!
+Yes! That's the look I'm looking for. What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way?
+Well, you don't have to call me slovenly.
+Yes, exactly. That's the kind of pointer I need.
+Tell me more, fatty.
+Ah-ha! This is a great idea, Simpson. Free silver dollars! Compliments of C. Montgomery Burns!
+Stop it!
+Ow! Ow! Take it out! Take it out!
+Oh! Ooh! Put it back! Put it back!
+That was a close one. Wanna go bowling?
+Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain.
+Maybe you should mind your own business.
+Afternoon, Miss.
+I can't believe it. I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires. I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake!
+Welcome to Mensa, Lisa.
+Well, how 'bout donating money to charity? Lots of crazy old coots do that.
+A charitable donation, eh? Well, there's a first time for everything.
+Take this check for two hundred thousand dollars to the Springfield Hospital.
+Can do.
+Now there's nothing to do now but sit back and wait for the kudos to roll in.
+Where are my kudos?
+Mm... No, we don't have any record of you giving the hospital any money, Mr. Burns. Oh, but we did get a very generous donation from a Mr. Homer Simpson.
+It's not fair! It's not fair!
+Morphine, please.
+Wait a minute... because I brought the check, they named a wing after me? Oh, you must be mad.
+Well, I will be when the morphine wears off, but until then, Teedily deedily dee dee. Teedily dee dee dee. Woo hoo hoo. Hee hee hee.
+Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns, and not the silver-dollar-throwing morphine addict you've become, they might like you.
+Yeah, if you want to change your image, you've got to get your face out there...
+Oh! ... on the radio.
+That's it, the radio! I'll go on the most popular program of the day. I assume that's still Don MacNeil and his Breakfast Club.
+Oh, get with the times, man. It's Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch.
+Oh, I don't think Mr. Burns would like that show.
+What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? I don't have enough vo-dee-oh-doh?
+Thank you, Knick-Knack and Paddy-Whack, the Siamese midgets. We'll be sure to catch your new series on Fox.
+Oh, I think this really sucks.
+Good luck, Mr. Burns. And if you get in trouble, I wrote some jokes about how white people are different from black people.
+How you doing, Mr. Burns? Jerry Rude. Welcome to the show.
+I'm pleased to...
+All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators.
+You see white people have names like "Lenny," whereas, black people have names like "Carl."
+Now, Mr. Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport. If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews, you have at it.
+Uh-huh. All right. How many times a day do you go to the can?
+Oh, about forty, I suppose. When are we going on the air?
+We're on the air now, Skeletor.
+Question Two: How long is your wiener? Seriously.
+Great heavens! What kind of radiola show is this?
+How 'bout this? When was your first gay experience?
+Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time. Oh-ho, I ate my share of wieners that day.
+Oh, that sounds lovely. Queer. Queer. Umm... ever murder anybody?
+Murder?! Well, mistakes have been made...
+Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy. Any comment on that?
+Now, now, see here...
+Stop that! Attention wireless listeners! Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me.
+Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting?
+Don't worry, folks. He's not dead. I still hear some faint sounds of life.
+That didn't go well, did it?
+Good thing those lesbians knew CPR.
+You promised to stop watching that telly and take me on holiday.
+Oh... What's the use? I'll never be a popular, beloved billionaire like Arthur Fortune.
+Ooo, Arthur Fortune. You know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield zoo two male Pandas, and got them to mate successfully.
+And a stunt like that impresses people?
+Oh, yeah! And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!
+Well, if a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm gonna bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.
+A sober Irishman?
+Even rarer.
+Whew, that was one long helicopter ride.
+Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he's eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves.
+Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer!
+Hey, hey. Let's see now... we have the Monster-ometer, Flipper-Finder, Hoaxiscope... which is important for the looking and the finding.
+Ach. The whole town's turned out. I've never seen them so excited.
+Hey, Willie. That old couple looks just like you.
+Aye, 'tis my ma and pa. They own a tavern hereabouts. They still have the same pool table on which I was conceived, born, and educated.
+So you're back, son.
+I suppose you'll be leaving soon?
+Good. Good. One more.
+Where's my monster, Tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for?
+Uh, to work in your power plant?
+You're not paying me anything.
+You kidnapped me. I remember it distinctly, with the grabbing and the duct taping and the tennis ball in the mouth... it hurt me.
+The beast looks something like this, only without the saucy t-shirt.
+He's been down in that icy water for hours! How can the lad survive such brutal punishment?
+Tilt? You monster!
+Oh my, great good God. Gentlemen, your attention please. I am detecting a gigantic amphibious lifeform! It's 80 meters long and it's headed this way! Oh, good glayvin! It's on my shoe! It's, ah... a small frog. Just get off of there. Just get off! Get off! Get off!
+Stupid machine. Oh, wait a minute. This isn't the monster-ometer -- it's the frog exaggerator.
+We're the laughingstock of the town.
+Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We're gonna find that monster, no matter how long it takes. Besides, I'm getting kind of used to wearing a kilt!
+Can you believe I'm a size four? Woo!
+Oh, it's pointless hunting for an animal that has 24 miles of water to hide in. Drain the lake.
+You heard me. Deploy the de-lochinator.
+Pumping is hard. Glayvin.
+We've lost our homes and everything we hold dear.
+I see it! I see the monster!
+Nay. 'Tis merely Loch Ness High School's discarded Homecoming float.
+No way! Aberdeen rules!
+God! It's him!
+C'mon, boys, overpower it!
+Fine. I'll do it myself.
+That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
+I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but... well, you know the rest. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield.
+Shuuut uppa your mouth.
+Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat and it's all thanks to one man. Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts. And by the way, girls, he's single.
+Single? Well, he passes the Selma test.
+Thank you, thank you everyone. And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world, the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice... I give you! -- the Loch Ness Monster!
+Oh, my God!
+Thank you, you're too kind. Yes, that's it, let it all out. Clutch me to your common bosom.
+Hey, look. He's getting up!
+/ Oh, my God!
+No, no! Stop it! Stop it! You'll enrage the beast!
+No more pictures! You're driving him mad!
+Ahhh!! Stop it! You're blinding me! No, I can't see!
+Mr. Burns will kill us all!
+Wait! Don't go!
+LOVE MEEEE!
+Well, if you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage.
+But you know what? To be loved you have to be nice to people. Every day! But, to be hated, you don't have to do squat.
+You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank and that fits me like a Speedo.
+So what do we do with our friend here? Uh, throw him in the dumpster?
+No, no, no, I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.
+Tough luck, Simpson.
+Come on, Nessie. One more pull.
+Okay, okay... You want a shrimp cocktail?
+"Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644" has been cancelled.
+While we scramble to find new programming, please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's Funeral.
+I was really starting to enjoy Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644. I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in thirty seconds.
+Shuuuut uppa you mouth.
+Attention Springfield. How low will you go... to win a trip to -- Hawaii?
+This Saturday our judges will select the lowest, most disgusting nitwit in town... and send him straight to Maui!
+Sponsored by "Grandma Plopwell's." The low-fat pudding that's approved for sale... by the government!
+All right, a gross-out contest! Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again.
+Care for a free sample?
+Thank you. Mm. For low-fat, this pudding's pretty good.
+Mmm-mm. Oh, I can feel the pounds just melting off.
+Our new hyper-sugar gives you three hundred percent of your minimum daily sweetness requirement.
+Mm. Do you suffer from diabetes?
+N-n-n-n-o.
+Well, you do now.
+We're here live at the KBBL parking lot to see h-h-howw lowww will you go?
+Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to Hartford, Connecticut!
+I thought it was Hawaii!
+No one said Hawaii. Now let's get stupid with our first contestant, the Human Garbage Disposal!
+Ladles and jellyspoons, I will now take going low to new heights. I will swallow anything -- and I mean anything -- you people throw.
+Please, no more spark plugs.
+Lisa, would you like a penny to throw at your brother?
+Unbelievable! We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons!
+Young lady, this may be the high point of Bart's life. Cut him some slack.
+No, wait, that wasn't the trick. I was gonna juggle chickens. And I--
+Next up, Homer and his amazing Reddenbacher dreamcoat, with a number he calls, "Kernel Knowledge."
+I'm hot buttered / Check it and see / I got a fever of four fifty-three...
+I'm hot... so very hot...
+Ow! Ow! Oh!
+Oh, this is so embarrassing.
+Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today?
+Hm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay.
+Okay, I'm leaving.
+Oh! You're not going anywhere, missy.
+But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. Moe -- with a lolly. It's so out of character. Ain't that worth nothin'?
+All right, judges? Who is our winner?
+Judges can't win the contest! Booooo!
+You have robbed us of our dignity!
+Well you--
+A urinal cake? You, sir, have crossed a line.
+People, stop! Stop! We're not animals!
+Take that!
+An Open Letter to the People of Springfield: Today our town lost what remained of its fragile civility, drowned in a sea of low-fat pudding.
+Look, I got runner-up prize.
+You won second place?
+No. But I got it.
+Stealing is wrong.
+"Free Boudoir Photography." Sweet.
+Oh, right.
+You may enter.
+We are a town of low-brows, no-brows and ignorami. We have eight malls but no symphony, thirty-two bars but no alternative theater, thirteen stores that begin with "Le Sex..." I write this letter not to nag or whine, but to prod! We can better ourselves!
+Yee-ha!
+Well, most of us.
+Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper?
+Yes, there's a real think piece here about a bra sale.
+Dad, stop kidding around. Look, they printed my letter.
+Hey, that is wonderful, sweetie. I'm gonna read it just as soon as I finish what I'm doing here.
+Well, I'm sure someone had the time to read it.
+I envy them.
+Hi, Mr. Flanders, I see you're reading the newspaper.
+Everything but the opinion page! I don't need to be told what to think... by anyone living!
+Chief Wiggum! Oh, you sure got a lotta copies of the paper.
+Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog. Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals.
+Daddy says I'm this close to living in the yard!
+Doesn't anybody in this town read?
+Oh, hello Lisa. Can you recommend any books for my mobile?
+Oh, absolutely! Well, you know, anything by Jane Austen...
+Jane Austen. Thanks, Lisa. I'll get right on it.
+"We read your letter with great interest. If you wish to learn more, go to 13 Euclid Street. Tell no one! And bring a dessert."
+Hey Lis.
+Whoa! Whoa!
+Lisa Simpson! Are you ready to go on a voyage of intellectual self-discovery?
+I think so.
+Is that a pie, or a quiche?
+It's the organization for people with high I.Q.'s.
+I know that. It's also a constellation visible only from the southern hemisphere.
+She's good. She's very good. ... and she brought a cream pie.
+You want me to join Mensa? Oh, that's wonderful. But don't I have to take some sort of I.Q. test?
+No Lisa, you're more than qualified. I've shared all your standardized test scores with the other members.
+Aren't those supposed to be confidential?
+Welcome to Mensa! You've joined such luminaries as cartoonist Mell Lazarus, Geena Davis, and Parade Magazine's Marilyn vos Savant.
+Each the tops in his or her field, well, except for Mell Lazarus.
+Wow! I'm so honored you wanted me.
+Well, it was your delightfully condescending letter that put you over the top. Lindsey Naegle, Advanced Capital Ventures.
+Oh. What do you produce?
+Synergy. And books on how to cheat at bridge.
+Lisa, I think you'll really enjoy it here. Now let's get down to business. Any new palindromes?
+Rise to vote, sir.
+Now, you know the agenda. Palindromes, anagrams, eat Lisa's pie, then voting.
+But "rise to vote sir" is a palindrome.
+Well...
+She's right.
+Impressive.
+Lisa, I think you're going to fit in just fine around here.
+Wow. Me... fit in.
+Hello, I have a certificate for a free erotic photo session.
+Oh, yes. Your name?
+Uh... Geraldo... Simpson.
+All right, Mr. Simpson...
+Who told you?
+Don't worry, these photos are perfectly legal. Many husbands use them as a romantic gift for their wives.
+Uh, you're not gonna ask me to pose nude, are ya?
+Well, yes, unless you have some issues with revealing your body.
+Well, I don't, but the Block Association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa Claus.
+I can't believe how they're dumbing down the Springfield Library. They've gotten rid of the English literature section and replaced it with a make-your-own-sundae bar.
+I heard they got rid of the reference desk to make room for an air hockey table.
+Even the microfilm?
+Even the microfiche.
+Oh, God.
+My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
+We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
+"See DOS. See DOS run. Run DOS run." Only one person in a million would find that funny.
+Yes. We call that the Dennis Miller ratio.
+Oh Dad, I just spent the day with the most wonderful people.
+Oh, that's great, honey. You tell me everything you can before the commercial's over.
+Well, for the first time in my life I feel that someone understands...
+Up-bup-bup-bup.
+Are you ready in there, Mr. Simpson?
+Are you sure you're a fully accredited and bonded pornographer?
+Just come out.
+Please be kind.
+You look fantastic. Let me just adjust my lens here.
+Now you're sure this will save my marriage?
+Try not to speak. It's making your body ripple.
+Dad? Dad? Are you home?
+Fine. I don't care what you're doin'.
+That's too clever. You're one of them!
+Don't look! Don't look! Don't look!
+Okay, I think he's gone.
+Let's reschedule.
+This is so cool. I feel like I'm back in the Renaissance.
+Please stay in character, gentle wench.
+Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the Sun and not t'other way round.
+Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus.
+Forsooth, mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.
+Zounds! Someone took our gazebo.
+No, no, that's impossible. We reserved it months ago.
+Someone should stand up to them.
+Oh, I'll do it.
+Excuse me, gentlemen. Might I take a peek at your gazebo reservation form?
+Beat it.
+Yes, well, we each have a good case...
+What part of "beat it" didn't you understand?
+Mmm... I guess it would be the "it." I'm not exactly sure to what that refers, it's a...
+Ahh, it's hopeless. There are some she-males in gazebo three, a nasty-looking spider in gazebo six, and the less said about gazebo eight, the better.
+Ah, Chief, thank God you're here. We reserved gazebo seven, and look!
+Geez, how many gazebos do you she-males need?
+Beer me, boys.
+Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power and the stupidest run everything? Maybe I should just move back to Alabama.
+No, we should fix things here. If we put our minds to it, there's no limit to what we can accomplish.
+I think the girl's right.
+It's a good point.
+The jig is up, Quimby.
+Oh God!
+Please stay calm, everyone.
+When you see what's in this report, things are going to change in this town.
+I earned that lotto money. I swear.
+Faster, you moron!
+Huh. Well, that was unexpected.
+What's goin' on? Where's the Mayor?
+He skipped town.
+Really? So who's in charge?
+Well... that's a good question. Let's, uh, take a quick look at the town charter.
+Fin-ished!
+According to the charter, should the Mayor abdicate, a council of learned citizens may rule in his stead.
+Well, there's no one more learned than us...
+... So I guess we're in charge.
+Whaaa?! Let me see that.
+Let's see here. "We the people... cruel and unusual... blah, blah, blah... ritual circumcision... yak, yak, yak..." Aw geez, I'll take your word for it. I guess you are in charge.
+With our superior intellects, we could rebuild this city on a foundation of reason and enlightenment. We could turn Springfield into a utopia!
+A new Athens!
+Or Walden Two!
+Yeah, a real Candyland! Of the mind, the mind. I'll just go now.
+Buncha dorks.
+This is Kent Brockman at City Hall where the intellectual junta known as the "Bright Pack" has been running this town for the better part of three days.
+... can go over there...
+So, Lisa. What do you and your fellow eggheads have planned for the city? Business as usual?
+No, Kent. We're gonna use the power of good ideas to change things for the better...
+Well, excuse this jaded reporter if he says he's heard that before.
+Oh, well, we really mean it.
+You do?
+Yes. For example, no one was showing up for jury duty, so we made the experience more exciting by synergizing it with his comic book collection.
+"You have been chosen to join the Justice Squadron! 8 a.m. Monday at the Municipal Fortress of Vengeance." Oh, I am so there!
+We studied traffic patterns and found that drivers move the fastest through yellow lights. So now we just have the red and yellow lights.
+Come on, stay yellow... stay yellow...
+Man, I'm makin' record time! If only I had someplace to be.
+And we've really elevated the level of discourse at the dog track.
+We replaced the fanfare with classical music, and instead of chasing a rabbit the dogs chase a diploma.
+The world has already taken note of our accomplishments. Springfield has moved up to number two ninety-nine on the list of America's three hundred most liveable cities. Take that, East St. Louis!
+Gee, you said you were gonna to make me look sexier, but it's awfully dark in here.
+Light is not your friend.
+All right, let's do this thing.
+It's time to get Homer-erotic.
+Okay, next item of business is our weekly progress report. Principal Skinner? How's your transportation project coming?
+Oh, excellent. Not only are the trains now running on time, they're running on metric time.
+Remember this moment, people. Eighty past two on April forty-seventh. It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield.
+Excellent. Now next week is our state of the city address. Has everyone finalized their proposals?
+Well first of all, I have a plan to eliminate obesity... in females.
+Oh, please. For a nickel a person tax increase we could build a theater for shadow puppets.
+Balinese, or Thai?
+Why not both? Then everybody's happy.
+Ooh, yeah. Everyone's real happy, then.
+Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
+Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts.
+A sarcasm detector. Oh, that's a real useful invention.
+Maarge. Oh, Maaarge.
+I've got something for you.
+Oh, Homie.
+Houston, we have a problem. A sexy problem.
+Homie? Well, look at you...
+Grrr. I'm gonna to maul you.
+Homer, I've never seen this side of you! But I like it...
+Wooh, wooh. Look at those silk pillows. It's like the set of some high-class porno film!
+No, no. It's just our basement.
+Hold on, wha-- That's our basement?
+Yeah, so? Come on! More kissing!
+It looks so elegant. And all it takes are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade. You've got to show me exactly what you did.
+But I was gonna score...
+No, you weren't.
+Welcome, everyone. Today we embark on a new era of intelligent governance.
+Governance! Governance! Governance!
+We have some new rules and regulations that you're just gonna go ape poopie over. Professor Frink?
+Well, first of all we're going to ban such barbaric sports as bullfighting and cockfighting.
+Also, boxing, both kick and the kind with the gloves there.
+And hockey, football, pushups... and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing.
+I don't remember discussing that.
+Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will mean much less breeding, for me, much, much more.
+Ye canna do that, sir! Ye don't have the power!
+Uh, ladies and gentlemen. I must apologize. This man does not speak for the council of Alphas. We hold you sub-Omeguloids in the highest regard.
+When are we gonna get to my broccoli juice program?
+Quit butting in, please. Your I.Q. is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170. "I am smart / Much smarter than you... Hib-bert!"
+You should all do what I say. My I.Q. is 199! For crying out flaven...198, 197...
+Big deal. My I.Q. is 280.
+Stephen Hawking!
+The world's smartest man!
+What are you doing here?
+I wanted to see your utopia. But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.
+I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is...
+Silence. I don't need anyone to talk for me except this voice-box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame!
+Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!
+Yeah, you reek! / Yeah, that's right! / They all really stink! / You're always right!
+I don't know which is the bigger disappointment: my failure to formulate a unified field theory or you.
+I don't like your tone.
+If you are looking for trouble, you found it.
+Yeah, just try me you--
+Now's our opening. Come on, you idiots, we're taking back this town!
+Yeah, let's make litter outta of these literati!
+Time for this hawk to fly.
+Wrong button.
+Lisa, thank God you're okay.
+Did you have fun with your robot buddy?
+Da-ad! Oh, Dr. Hawking. We had such a beautiful dream. What went wrong?
+Don't feel bad, Lisa. Sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish.
+Even you?
+No. Not me. Never.
+I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world.
+Wow, Mom. That's very profound.
+Hey. You read that off my screen.
+Who's up for some beers?
+That's the smartest thing I've heard all day.
+Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.
+Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hangin' out with a guy like me.
+All right, it's closing time. Who's paying the tab?
+I didn't say that.
+Yes, I did.
+Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!
+Hey, why didn't you tell me the new issue of "Weird" was here?! I love their hilarious send-ups of hit movies.
+Dad, it's not...
+"Gigabytes!" They've done it again. Gigabytes. Wait, this isn't "Weird." Why, there's no magazine called "Weird," is there?
+This is "Wired." It's about computers and technology.
+Hey look, there's a cyber-cafe opening right here in Springfield! Will you take me, Dad? Please? I'll show you how to order pizza over the Internet...
+The Internet? Is that thing still around?
+I know a web site that shows monkeys doin' it.
+Bart! The Internet is more than a global pornography network. It's a...
+Come on, Lisa! Monkeys!
+Ach, let's see what's been captured on the Up-Kilt camera.
+Ewww, this lass needs a bit of groundskeeping. Eh-- Ach, that's Willie!
+My name is Mary. I'm 45, heavy and willing to settle for less.
+Wow, this Mary's got the whole package.
+Wow, Dad, you're surfing like a pro.
+Oh yeah. I'm betting on Jai-Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called News Corp...
+Dad, that's Fox!
+Ahh! Undo! Undo! Uhh.
+Dad, do we have any money left?
+Well, let's check the old bank account.
+See? Even after all my cyber-squandering we've still got twelve hundred dollars.
+All right, dorks. This is a hold-up!
+Oh, yes. Download to papa.
+Yoink dot adios, backslash losers!
+We were robbed?!
+You seem to know an awful lot about this for an "innocent person."
+We were saving that money for our family vacation. Now we're gonna have to start all over again.
+Ohh, don't worry, sweetheart, I'll get us the money. Even if I have to get a second job.
+Evening, neighbor. Low on funds again?
+Yes, sir.
+Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every time you've got a bill to pay.
+I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
+It's just that you and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle, while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.
+They're years ahead of us.
+Oh, we're not as well-off as you think. We give to eight different churches, just to hedge our bets. And the Leftorium's business has gone way downhill since Leftopolis moved in next door.
+Well, if you're not rich then how come you have a new refrigerator, an electric can opener, a milkshake machine...
+Oh-ho-ho, we picked those up cheap. They were evidence in a murder trial!
+We got that tip at the Chuck Garabedian Mega-Savings Seminar.
+Go on...
+He taught us how to live a Burt Reynolds lifestyle on a Mac Davis income. We've already got tickets for his next seminar.
+I think you'll find living thrifty a lot more satisfying than stealing.
+Maybe you're right, Ned. Maybe you're right.
+Are you tired of missing out on the good things in life? Family vacations, jet packs, Solid Gold dancers...
+There's only three left in the world!
+Well, stick around, 'cause I'm gonna tell you the twelve savings secrets Wall Street won't tell you. Then, I'll show you the three ways to get back to the highway. Including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't want you to know!
+Oh, here we go with the fat-cat bashing.
+Well, what do you expect? These yokels are pure "Baltic Avenue." Uh-oh, I'm late for the Short Line Railroad.
+Let's start with mega-secret number one: ya gotta squeeze every penny! You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it.
+That fancy yacht? A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee.
+/ Oh, now that is something.
+And those beautiful women? They used to be men.
+/ Ew! / That's gross!
+The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny! C'mon, let me hear ya!
+Squeeze every penny! Squeeze every penny!
+I'm squeezing... I'm squee-zing it. Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand.
+Oh Homer, not again.
+Eww, we're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99-Cent Store?
+Well, maybe for your wedding!
+How 'bout here?
+Not if we want that vacation.
+Look Mom, they have your dress.
+Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that.
+Wow, this plankton's only 33 cents.
+Um, according to the Mexican Council of Food, this expired two years ago.
+Sure, by their standards, but we live in America.
+This also says it can cause red tide poisoning.
+But it's so cheap.
+Well, let's see what's in the ol' vacation fund.
+Homer, you could've just unscrewed the bottom.
+A little late for "could've's," Marge.
+I don't think there's enough here for a vacation.
+There is for a Mega-Savings vacation. Chuck Garabedian says you can fly Mega-cheap if you don't care where you go.
+That's right! Just go to the airport and wait for some no-shows. Then you can buy their seats for a fraction of the price!
+Are you going through our garbage?
+That's right! You fat-cats didn't finish your plankton. Now it's mine!
+Hawaii, here we come!
+No, no, we're going to Paris. I can feel it.
+Come on, Transylvania.
+No, mon, let's go home to Jamaica. I and I been in Babylon too long.
+Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.
+Attention. Flight 605 to Tokyo is ready for departure and has four available Mega-Saver seats.
+C'mon, Homer! Japan!
+No, no Japan. Jamaica! I wanna pass the doochie on the lefthand side.
+Never mind. Looks like the Flanders' are gonna get those seats anyway.
+Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal our vacation, huh?
+Sayonara, suckers!
+Yay! The Simpsons are going to Japan!
+Hey, watch the gong, jerk!
+Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked "Rashomon."
+That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we want to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
+What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.
+Look Mom, the safety instructions are written in haiku. "Fasten seatbelts tight / Your seat cushions float gently / Headsets five dollars."
+Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet.
+You're the waitress.
+Turn it back on! Turn it back on!
+I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.
+Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom.
+It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight.
+To-ga! To-ga! Toga 2000!
+Marge, they stole my idea!
+Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is: tomorrow.
+Here's our room!
+Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open.
+I don't have time for that.
+I think I'm gonna be sick.
+Mom, Lis! Check it out. Dad's on TV.
+Ohh, yeah...
+It's breathtaking.
+Look, there's the Imperial Gardens... the Meiji shrine... the Hello Kitty factory...
+Who's up for some exploring?
+Hey, I'm still checkin' out Japanese TV.
+Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures?
+Bart, what are you doing?
+What the--?
+Oh, all right.
+Robots be right back.
+Whew. All that seizing made me hungry.
+Me too. Let's go to an authentic Japanese noodle house!
+The toilet recommended a place called AmericaTown.
+Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at AmericaTown.
+I'd like to see the Japanese take on the club sandwich. I bet it's smaller and more efficient!
+We now return to "Battling Seizure Robots!"
+I can't believe they stuck us at Taxachusetts.
+Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.
+Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.
+Howdy, gangstas! I am Average American Joe Salaryman waiter.
+These prices suck! Ten thousand yen for coleslaw?!
+Don't you serve anything that's even remotely Japanese?
+Don't ask me! I don't know anything! I'm product of American education system. I also build poor quality cars and inferior-style electronics.
+Oooh, they got our number.
+One square watermelon please.
+Oh my goodness, Homer, those are a hundred and fifty dollars.
+It's worth every cent. I'm tired of fumbling with round fruit.
+Maybe we should just head back to the hotel.
+But you promised me we'd do something Japanese.
+Oh, of course. You're right. You know, I read about a Shinto tea house where they practice the traditional... Run, Bart!
+Hey, look. Isn't that Woody Allen?
+Looks like he's doing a commercial.
+Oh, hello. So many rice crackers claim to be low-cal.
+But only Fujikawa rice crackers make your "Interiors" go "Bananas."
+What did I do to deserve this? Oh, right.
+Mmm... fifty dollar pretzel. Hey, what's Baby Huey doing?
+Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring.
+Hmmm...
+Spare some salt, tubby?
+Hey, that's mine!
+Like we say in my country, "Hasta la vista, baby."
+Congratulations. I am the Emperor and...
+Yeah, and I'm Clobbersaurus.
+All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus!
+Your wife has paid your bail, Mr. Simpson-san.
+Thank God. I couldn't take another minute in this hell-hole.
+Now can we do something Japanese?
+Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff. In jail we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the forty-seven Ronin and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori.
+I didn't... What is it? Lunch?
+Then we had to do two hours of origami, followed by flower arranging and meditation.
+Honey, I know you want to see Japan, but we're down to our last million yen.
+Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something Japanese.
+Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.
+It's a crane. The Japanese believe they bring good luck.
+Be careful. We need that money to get home.
+Shimatta baka-me!
+Now Mister Simpson, I know you lost all your money, but don't worry.
+The United States will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like this.
+But Mr. Ambassador, how are we going to get home?
+Beats me. Try getting a job and earning some money. That's what I did. By the way, Ambassador's taken.
+Every truck-load of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
+And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do...
+Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out...
+Spare my life and I will grant you three wi--
+Knife goes in, guts come out.
+Yipee! Time for the company loyalty song!
+KNIFE-AH GOES IN, GUTS-AH COME-AH OUT, THAT'S-AH WHAT OSAKA SEAFOOD CONCERN IS ALL ABOUT.
+This sucks. What else is on?
+Thank you. You have fulfilled our dreams and dreams of our ancestors.
+Tune in tomorrow when another lucky family tries to win their dreams on "Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show!"
+Family Wish Show... Hmmm... That gives me an idea.
+I think we all had that idea.
+Thank you, thank you. And welcome to our contestants from America, the Simpson family.
+You honor us.
+Don't patronize me! Now, Simpson family, have you picked a wish?
+Well, I haven't talked it over with the family, but I think we'd all like a free dinner at AmericaTown.
+No, no, no! We want plane tickets home to Springfield.
+Now our gameshows are a little different from yours. Your shows reward knowledge. We punish ignorance.
+Ignor-- what?
+Okay, let's begin. Our categories are "OW, THAT HURTS," "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" and "PLEASE LET ME DIE."
+Do "OW THAT HURTS."
+We'll go with "OW, THAT HURTS," Skip!
+My name is Wink!
+All right, Simpsons, whack the pinata!
+Come on, break that pig open! Once more. Harder. Whack it open. Good.
+All right, you may remove your blindfolds.
+Oh sorry, Dad, we didn't know.
+I had an inkling.
+Could someone please whack my hernia back in?
+Sure thing, Dad.
+Mr. Simpson, we'll cut you down as soon as you answer one question about Japan.
+Is the answer Japan?
+Actually, it is. That means you move on to the lightning round.
+He seems okay, but he is being burned internally.
+Hey, ain't that Homer on the Japanese channel?
+If that's Homer then... who the hell's been putting beers on his tab?
+Woo hoo? Umm... that boy ain't right?
+Congratulations Simpsons, the airline tickets are yours. All you have to do is to pick them up...from inside that volcano.
+Why are you so cruel?
+This vacation really blows.
+Well, at least we're past the lightning round.
+Hmmm, I see... I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round.
+Mmm, I don't think that bridge can support much weight.
+Well, Maggie weighs a lot less than... oh, I'll just go.
+Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met! Plum-met!
+Yes! Got 'em!
+U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S...
+Marge! Your shoe!
+Plane tickets!
+Oh, I'm afraid this might be the end.
+Well, at least we'll die doing what we love... inhaling molten rock.
+It burns! It burns!
+Don't worry, that "lava" is just Orangeade made by our sponsor, Osaka Orangeade Concern.
+It burns! It burns!
+It's loaded with wasabi. Kudos, Simpsons, you have won your freedom!
+Before I go, I want to say something. Game shows aren't about cruelty, they're about greed and wonderful prizes like poorly-built catamarans. But somewhere along the line, you lost your way. For shame.
+Coming up next, a Canadian couple who say they are deathly afraid of scorpions.
+Ooh, that stings, eh. Oooh, God!
+Sting those Canucks.
+I love this show. Take that, you stupid hosers!
+Goodbye, Japan. I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling, whale-free seas.
+Hey, what's all that? / Whoa! / What's happening?
+Ahh, folks, we're experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on.
+When we get to thirty-five thousand feet, he usually does let go. So, from there on out all we have to do is worry about Mothra and uh, we do have reports he's tied up with Gamra and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.
+Undo! Undo!
+Is this the kind of air we want to leave for our children?
+Don't they deserve better?
+Electricity: the fuel of the future.
+Test drive the Elec-taurus today and get a free gift.
+My children deserve to see me get a free gift.
+I'm proud of you, Dad. Buying an electric car will help clean the air up and protect the Earth's supply... You're faking this to get the gift, aren't you?
+But I like the nice things you said about me.
+Thinking of saying good-bye to gas?
+You betcha.
+Well, that shut me up.
+Hello, I, uh, love your planet deeply and am interested in purchasing one of your electronic autos.
+Well, it's always nice to meet people concerned about the environment.
+What kind a mint?
+Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier.
+Yeah, it's got a lot of other problems too.
+Ah! Dad, you're headed for the harbor!
+Relax, we're in an electric car.
+See? Everything's fine.
+Hey, dolphins.
+Oopsie.
+Hi, girls.
+Salt water seems to be good for it.
+Um, I'm sorry, the car did not meet my eco-concerns. Can I have my prize now?
+Certainly.
+What the...?!
+Help! Help! It burns!
+Hey, we never opened that envelope to see what our gift is.
+We didn't? That's odd. Seems like we would've done that right after we left the car place.
+I know, but we didn't.
+Well, here it is, so we can open it and find out now.
+Perfect.
+Aww, movie tickets! That hardly seems worth destroying a car.
+They're passes to a test screening of a new movie starring Mel Gibson!
+Who else is in it?
+Who cares? Mel Gibson!
+Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge. No different than me or Lenny.
+Were you or Lenny ever named sexiest man alive?
+Hmmm, I'm not certain about Lenny.
+Besides, it's not just his chisled good looks. People magazine says he's a devoted father, goes to church every week, and likes to fix things around the... Homer, let's make love!
+Okay...
+Uh, you're thinking about me, right?
+Of course, Homey. Aren't you thinking about me?
+I will now.
+Easy, easy there, buster. But, how did they know?
+I had a mouse.
+Thank you.
+Good evening. I'm Edward Christian, Assistant VP of Finance and Distribution at PolyStar Pictures.
+Dang! I should've brought the camera.
+The movie tested through the roof, Mel!
+Also with me tonight are the dynamic duo, William Milo and Robyn Hannah, who greenlighted all of Shaquille O'Neal's movies, including "Kazam!"
+How's the popcorn, guys?
+Needs salt!
+Anyhoo, welcome to our test screening of Mel Gibson's directorial follow-up to "Braveheart," a remake of the Jimmy Stewart classic "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington!"
+I knew I shouldn't have passed on that.
+Now, after the film, I'll be handing out these cards for your opinion. We then take your cards to Hollywood, California...
+...and change the movie based on your suggestions. Any uh, questions?
+Yes, over here and thank you. Will there be any flubber in this movie? Glayvin.
+No, I'm afraid not.
+Ah, for cryin' out glayvin!
+Is Mel Gibson here?
+No, sorry, but like all celebrities, he's in Hollywood attending benefits for various diseases.
+Did they like it?
+Well, they haven't seen it yet, Mel.
+How'd you get here from L.A. so fast?
+John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!
+You know, you really didn't have to make this trip, Mel. The screening's gonna go fine. Believe me.
+I don't know. I think this movie was a big mistake. All I do is talk for two hours. I don't shoot anybody! What was I thinking?!
+You shouldn't worry about the movie. William and I both think it's fabulous.
+And I think we know a little something about the movie business. Oh, Robyn, you've gotta see the director's cut of "Booty Call!" It's fabulous!
+Why, even better than the original? 'Cause that was pretty fabulous too.
+"And he fought for them once, for the only reason any man ever does. Because of one plain simple rule: Love thy neighbor..."
+Bo-ring.
+It's not boring. He's passionate about government.
+At least the Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the savings and loan.
+Excellent. / That man knows how to filibuster.
+Well, that was a stinker.
+I liked it. It was nice to see a movie where people solved their problems with words, instead of bullets and chasing.
+Oh, you're just saying that because your "boyfriend" was in it. I'll bet you would've hated it if me and Lenny were Mr. Smith.
+Will you stop acting so jealous?
+Listen, I don't wanna get spotted by the crowd, so I'm gonna take a leak behind the dumpster.
+Look! It's Mel Gibson! Hey, everybody rush over there!
+Mel! Mel!
+Hi, everybody!
+Hi, Mr. Gibson.
+Thanks for comin', folks, and don't be afraid to be completely truthful when you fill out your opinion cards. Honesty is the foundation of the movie business.
+Oh, we'll be honest. We could never lie to you, Mel.
+Um, will you be reading the cards yourself, Mel?
+Well, I'll be reading yours personally...
+Oh, that's it! I'm telling Mr. Stupidest man alive what I really thought of his movie! Hey, Gibson!
+Eh, yes sir?
+Got a pencil?
+There you go.
+Thanks.
+stupid...
+'Preciate it.
+The Sea Captain gave it "Four Arrrs." Bumblebee Man says "Muy Bueno." And we were worried about the Latino market, huh?
+Worried!
+C'mon. They can't all have loved it. "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it despite absence of flubber, glayvin?"
+Oh, here we go. "Your movie was more boring than church. All you did was yak, yak, yak. You didn't even shoot anybody..." Damn, I knew it!
+Ah, don't do this to yourself, Mel. The guy's obviously a nut.
+Maybe. Or maybe he's the only person with the guts to tell me the truth.
+Turn the plane around! I want to go to 742 Evergreen Terrace.
+But you promised to help me move! Ah, geeez!
+Door, Marge.
+I'm looking for Homer Simpson.
+And I've been lookin' for you, too, pal!
+Pound him, Dad!
+Bart, don't...
+Quiet! Dad's gonna get his butt kicked by Mel Gibson! Knock his teeth out, Homer!
+Listen, Gibson, I'm tired of Hollywood pretty boys like you and Jack Valenti thinking you can have any woman you want. You see this?
+It symbolizes that she's my property and I own her.
+Mr. Simpson, I need your help.
+I think you're right about my movie and I want you to help me make it better.
+Really? You want my help? Marge, did you hear that? Mel Gibson wants my help! Mel Gibson!
+But, Dad, I thought you hated...
+Shuut-uup...
+Homer doesn't know anything about making movies.
+Don't sell your husband short, Mrs. Simpson.
+She's always doing that, Mel.
+Homer is a brutally honest man, completely tactless and insensitive.
+Guilty as charged.
+The problem I have is people love me so much, they never criticize me. I speed all the time, but cops never give me a ticket. If I don't pay my taxes, the I.R.S. pays 'em for me.
+Oh, you poor thing...
+It's hell bein' Mel!
+C'mon! Geez.
+I don't have much time, Homer. Will you come to Hollywood with me?
+You had me at "Hello."
+I didn't say "Hello."
+Hollywood, here we come!
+Hollywood, here we are!
+Stop doing that, Mom.
+A mini-van... Oh boy, you celebrities sure know how to live. What is this? Toyota Previa?
+Dodge Caravan.
+Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey, Jr. is shooting it out with the police!
+I don't see any cameras.
+Okay, while Mel and I are working, why don't you guys do the town? I hear all the stars eat at a place called Planet Hollywood.
+Can I stay with you, Dad?
+Sorry, son, but we're going to be very busy. Mel's movie really stinks.
+Okay, this opening scene should be in fast motion. Everybody likes that 'cause it looks funny.
+Hey, Mr. Smith's coming to Washington. He's really honest. That could be bad news for us corrupt politicians.
+Well even if he is, big deal.
+I mean Lisa.
+How do you figure?
+Well, if he doesn't play ball, we'll teach him a thing or two.
+Goodbye.
+See ya.
+I don't think so.
+Okay, here you need a musical montage where you try on lots of funny hats. It'll let us see your playful side.
+Yeah, but...
+Just no.
+Ah, for those of you who have always wanted to see the famous Brown Derby restaurant...
+...that's where it used to be.
+And on your left is the notorious spot where Hugh Grant...
+...filmed the movie "Nine Months."
+Eewww!!
+You want me to replace the villain with a dog? I mean nobody'll know what's going on!
+They will if you set up that the dog is evil. All you have to do is show him doing this and people will suspect the dog.
+Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer. I'm sorry I dragged you out here. L-Let me pay your bus fare home.
+Ah-ah-ah! Now here's your biggest problem of all...
+The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite!
+And it was fine for the 1930's. The country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now, in whatever year this is, the audience wants action! And seats with beverage holders, but mainly action.
+You really think the end is boring?
+Oh! Mel, it's the most boring piece of garbage I've ever seen. And it's not easy for me to say that.
+It was symbolism. He was mad.
+I'm gettin' too old for this crap.
+Hmm, I guess it is a little flat. Okay, let's reshoot the ending. I'll call the hair and make-up ladies. You see if the teamsters will work for free.
+Piece o' cake. Now where's that kid with my latte?
+According to the map, this house is owned by the dog from "Frasier." And that's where Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche live.
+We're lesbians!
+Okay, this new ending...
+... we-shot-last-night...
+... is a little different than what we had, but I think you'll like it. It's missing some sound effects and the computer guys haven't added the twinkle in my eye...
+Mel, you're coming off desperate. Roll it, Louie!
+Here comes two!
+Well, I'm not licked! And I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause... Somebody'll listen to me. Somebody'll...
+I believe the Senator has yielded the floor.
+Yield this, Senator Payne...
+I move we impose some serious term limits!
+I second that motion...
+...with a vengeance!
+All in favor, say "die!"
+Mr. Smith, this is highly unorthodox!
+I'm the President of the United States and I demand to know what's going on here!
+Happy birthday, Mr. President.
+Pretty cool, huh?
+You, uh, you chopped off the President's head.
+I bet you didn't see that coming.
+You impaled a United States Senator with the American Flag.
+Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?
+But this was gonna be the studio's prestige picture. Like "Howard's End," or "Sophie's Choice."
+Those movies sucked. I only saw 'em to get Marge into the sack. PS: mission accomplished.
+But we've already bought five Golden Globe awards!
+I don't make movies to win awards -- especially now that I have two Oscars.
+I make movies for guys like him.
+Yeah, guys like me.
+Who are you, anyway?
+Do the words "Executive Producer" mean anything to you?
+Executive Producer?
+We'll talk.
+You've desecrated a classic film! This is worse than "Godfather III!"
+Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa. Let's not say things we can't take back.
+All right. All right, I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day.
+Look! They're towing away a Range Rover!
+Yoink! C'mon, Homer. We've got a movie to premiere!
+We've gotta get that film back, or we'll all be fired, ya know what I mean?
+Give us the film!
+And, on your left, you'll see Ranier Wolfcastle filming his latest movie, "Saving Irene Ryan."
+You put me down, you big lummox! Je-eedd!!
+Watch out! Comin' through! Mach schnell!
+Homer! Land mine!
+I'm on it.
+G'night, Mr. Gibson.
+'Night, Gus.
+How old are you, anyway?
+Well, I've been told I can play anywhere from 28 to...
+Sorry I asked.
+Oh, crap! Here they come!
+Well, that's it Homer. We should've known better than to match wits with studio executives.
+Hey, come on, turn that down-under frown upside down. We're not finished yet.
+Wow, these dummies look pretty good.
+Well, I've had a lot of surgery, old chum.
+Shh! Mr. Limato said he'd fire us if you didn't stop bothering the customers.
+Homer, what are you doing here?
+No time talk! Need steal car! Must save powerful but controversial movie!
+Hel-lo.
+Quick, Mel, get in!
+Oh, forget it, Homer, let's just give 'em the stupid movie.
+Movies aren't stupid! They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. "Lethal Weapon" showed us that suicide is funny.
+That really wasn't my intention.
+Before "Lethal Weapon 2", I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time.
+It's true. He does.
+Movies mean that much to you, Homer?
+They are my only escape from the drudgery of work and family.
+No offense.
+Ah, what the heck. Let's hit the road!
+Shove over, Junior.
+That thoughtless destruction will surely bankrupt the museum, old chum.
+Shut up!
+Mom, you've gotta take my picture in this car so I can show Milhouse!
+Worst ending ever.
+Oh sorry, honey, I used up the last roll on that man I thought was Judge Judy.
+Well, I think we lost 'em.
+Oh, wait. There they are.
+Let me try something. Take the wheel, Lisa.
+But my Dad can...
+I said you.
+We've got 'em now...
+Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!
+You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?
+Wait a minute. He's just a dummy!
+I know, but he sells tickets. Let's go!
+Great idea, Mel. Now it's my turn.
+What are you doing?
+I'm tired of running away. Did "Braveheart" run away? Did "Payback" run away? It's time we showed those suits what we're made of.
+What the heck is that?!
+Well, the one on the left is Mel Gibson. I don't know who the other two guys are.
+Will you please tell me the rest of the plan?!
+It's your plan, from "Braveheart." Your army mooned the enemy until they could take no more and surrendered.
+No, they didn't. They attacked us in a horribly bloody battle. Remember?
+Actually, I didn't see it, but on the poster it...
+Jump!!!
+Homer, are you okay?!
+I think so.
+All in favor, say die!
+That digital sound really lets you hear the blood splatter.
+I don't get it, Mel. How can you be so calm and cool? My stomach's full of vomiting butterflies.
+Okay, that's it. Let's get ready to meet our public.
+Well, that was disgusting.
+I'm Jimmy Stewart's granddaughter and you'll be hearing from my attorney!
+We shoulda put in the dog with the shifty eyes.
+Oh, I'm sorry I ruined your career, Mel.
+It's not your fault, Homer. I guess there's just no room in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us.
+How did the country lose its way, Mel? When did we stop rooting for the man with the flame-thrower, or an acid-spraying gun of some kind?
+I blame the Internet. And the return of swing music.
+Well, whatever it is, we've got to get rolling on our next picture.
+Hey, what about a prequel to something? Everybody loves prequels.
+I don't.
+Okay, Mr. Difficult. How about a teen sex romp where you and your buddies are always trying to get some?
+No, wait. A ghost who wins the lottery! You could be the ghost or the lottery commissioner. Ooh, what about Indiana Jones? Does anyone own the rights to that?
+Hey, Mel. I fell out.
+Principal Skinner, what would you say is the most important firefighting tool? Would you say it's prevention?
+Oh, absolutely, Lisa. That, and the sand bucket.
+What's that stuff?
+Why this is retardant.
+It sure is!
+And what's that?
+That's called a hose lengthener.
+You need one.
+What's this?
+Just read the label. It's a king-size flamer.
+Bart, will you go bother someone else?
+LOOK, A FIRE!...
+... engine.
+Stop that!
+HELP! HELP! FIRE!... ... helmets.
+Can't you do something constructive?
+Sure, I can do something destructive!
+Just say the word and I'll drive this hoe in his back. I can make it look like suicide.
+Hm, and I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey...
+You're not gonna start any fires, are you?
+At my house we call 'em "uh-oh's."
+Hi, fire doggie. Can you do any tricks?
+Tricks? Ha! That's rich. He's so inbred he can barely stand up.
+Fire can be our servant, whether it's toasting s'mores, or raining down on Charlie. But it can turn not-so-nice, as you'll see in this skit by the Volunteer Fire Department Players.
+Ho-ho! What a great pot party.
+Wasn't it, man?
+Now for a regular cigarette, to make the night complete. Oh! Man, that's good.
+Mad Dog, I been thinking... maybe we should get another smoke detector, in case that one trips out on us.
+Ho-ho-ho! Why bother, baby? One smoke detector's enough for Mad Dog. Now let's hit the sack.
+Check it out! Mad Dog's on fire!
+Stop, drop, and roll, man!
+Ha! Ha! Ha! That's for Clydes, baby. A little fire can't hurt you.
+But Mad Dog was wrong. The fire burned through the night, and cost him the use of his pants. Which just goes to show you...
+Sorry to break character, but these stunt pants are getting pretty toasty!
+Uh, roll, Neddie! Roll!
+Can't help ya.
+It's not working! It just spreads the flame!
+Get the fire hose! Get the fire hose!
+What's it doing in the gymnasium?
+Yeee-hawww!
+Bart! Have you lost your...
+Whoa! /
+Bart... Simpson!
+You've really done it this time.
+Yeah, it all kinda came together.
+Thank you for coming.
+Thank you for getting me out of work.
+I'll be blunt. Bart's latest escapade goes far beyond the realm of the hijink.
+There. Now the floor is as good as new.
+My sport goggles!
+Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true.
+Yeah, he's somethin' else, all right.
+But worst of all, he drags down the grades of anyone who sits near him. Just look at this pattern.
+Hey, that looks like Bart.
+... And turning to the 3-D map...
+We see an unmistakable "cone of ignorance."
+Put it away. Put it away!
+Very well, but there's no escaping the truth. Bart has a classic case of Attention Deficit Disorder.
+You mean like John Leguizamo?
+How should I know? The point is, A.D.D. makes children restless and easily distracted.
+Hi, Marge. It's me, Homer.
+What? Time to go?
+Please, Mr. Simpson. I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son.
+... Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...
+Candy bar?
+No. It's a new drug called "Focusyn."
+A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster.
+Gimme an "F!"
+Gimme an "art!"
+Good Lord. He's gotten into the Pep Closet!
+I'd say he's coming out of the Pep Closet.
+I don't want to pump my little boy full of drugs.
+Yeah, yeah, we get a lot of that.
+But then they see our results.
+These are normal guinea pigs, running around like idiots.
+Now, I'll give them some Focusyn.
+That's amazing! ...And darling.
+Check this out.
+They become your slaves...
+Yes, but it's not about slavery. It's about helping kids concentrate. This pill reduces class clownism 44 per cent.
+With 60 per cent less sass-mouth.
+The only thing more effective is regular exercise.
+Shred it! Shred it! / Mogul madness! / Extra gloves! Extra gloves! / Ninja showdown! / Mushroom bonus zone! / Reload!
+How will we get Bart to take these?
+It's all about trust, honey.
+Ow! Knock it off!
+Homer, we agreed we'd discuss the medication with Bart.
+Medication?
+Some special helpers that'll make you a good boy.
+I don't want to take drugs.
+Sure you do. All your favorite stars have used drugs: Brett Butler.... Tim Allen...
+Tommy Lee...
+Andy Dick...
+He's just flamboyant.
+Yeah, and I'm a size four.
+You choked?! You choked?!
+Dad, I admit I have some problems, but drugs aren't the answer.
+Why you little...!
+Son, let's forget all about that drug thing. Why don't you just come down and have some taffy?
+Nice try, Homer.
+Just take one bite. If you're not one hundred per cent different...
+Geez, what's the big deal? Look, I'll even eat some.
+Does Mr. Simpson have a demon, Daddy?
+Looks like it. Run get Daddy's exorcism tongs.
+Honey, if you don't want to take the medicine, we won't force you.
+Really?
+Yes, I just thought you might love me enough to let me help you.
+Oh, Mom...
+All right. I'll do it for you.
+Way to guilt him, Marge!
+It's what I do.
+Good morning, honey. How's my special little guy?
+I'm having some side effects from the dope.
+It's not dope! It's something to help you concentrate.
+All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear.
+Bart! Get those oranges out of there.
+Back in the lunches you go.
+Ewww. Mom!
+Oh, grow up.
+I have to take these stupid pills twice a day.
+I'll trade you a Claritin for one.
+Claritin "D"?
+I take hormones to lower my voice. Now all I want to do is fight.
+What are you looking at?
+You think you got it bad? I gotta wear a shock collar.
+Oooh. / That's rough. / Whoa.
+What was that for?
+I thought about a girl I like.
+All right, class, who would like to read "The Daffodils," by Wordsworth?
+I'll do it.
+No thank you, Mr. Wisenheimer. Sherri?
+I wandered lonely as a cloud / That floats on high o'er vales and hills...
+Hey, look at those dogs goin' at it!
+Hey, I wanna see 'em! / I wanna see!
+Fightin' over a fan belt.
+Dogs are outstanding!
+All right, people. We've all seen the dogs now, so...
+You're still in your seat!
+Well, it's not like I never saw a dog before.
+C'mon, people. This poetry isn't gonna appreciate itself.
+What a lovely day in the park. A perfect place to meet a lady.
+Ooo la la! It's Sideshow Melanie.
+Hey, what's goin' on? Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air!
+What are you doin' to me? I said start at sixty R.P.M., then move it up to a hundred on the skirt-blow.
+Sorry, Krusty, I choked.
+Bart! Bart! Krusty just fired his associate producer!
+I'm reading.
+No way... "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens?" Is this all because of the...?
+Joke if you will, but did you know most people use ten percent of their brains? I am now one of them. Before, my energy was all over the place. Now it's concentrated like a laser beam.
+Well, this has been terrific. Let's do it again sometime.
+Are you standing up to get me to leave?
+It's from the book.
+Hey! I'm not a "Time Burglar!"
+Memo to self: Lock door.
+All right, I'll go! You don't have to be a jerk about it.
+Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
+"Thank you in advance for a world-class meal. You're an inspiration to our entire organization. Thank you again, Bart." Ohh, what a lovely gesture!
+Cost of paper? Five cents. A mother's love? Priceless.
+Do I get a card?
+No, but here's a book called "Chicken Soup for the Loser" that gave Bill Buckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats.
+Hmm. My career has kinda lost momentum...
+I think it's the bright blue pants. I mean, you're not on a golf course.
+Well, I have been thinking about making them into cut-offs...
+I tell ya, the kid's a wonder. He organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action.
+That's gonna save all kindsa travel time.
+You know it. Plus he gave me this appointment dealy.
+Got my whole week in there.
+Quiet, everybody!
+Oh, this thing'll do anything. Watch, I'll ask it how many leagues in a furlong. No, wait... I'll make it say "Whatsa matta you?" in Turkish.
+Neyin War? Dérdine?
+And look at this. A cheese grater!
+Man, technology's amazing.
+A guy could do great things with a gadget like that.
+Well, if you want one, they sell 'em at...
+Yeah, a guy could do great things...
+The boy's still studying?
+Can you believe it? And he's even tutoring a little Navajo boy.
+And why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
+Because... he took his eyes off the prize?
+That's right. You stay on the ball, you stay on the wall.
+He's gone from Goofus to Gallant, and we owe it all to mind-bending pills.
+Bart's so well-behaved now... maybe you and I could have a night out!
+Ooh, let's go to the waterpark. My ten-year ban ended yesterday.
+I was thinking of something a little more... adult.
+Oh... Marge!
+And then afterwards...
+Really? With butterscotch on it?
+I think you misheard me.
+You've got more talent than any dancer I've ever seen. And you're throwing it all away.
+Screw you. Screw everybody!
+All right, girls, tops off. It's showtime!
+Marge, this is the greatest gift any wife has ever given her husband.
+I thought you'd like it. And I'm enjoying the friendship between Showgirl and that seamstress.
+Pipe down!
+Yes, hush up.
+Arr, you hush up!
+Shut up or I'll pound all a ya!
+That was fun. We have to get out more often.
+I heard about a new bar where men dance with men. Doesn't that sound adorable?
+Well, sure, if it's true.
+Is that Lisa?
+I'm so glad you're here. Bart's really acting funny.
+Ray J. funny... or O.J. funny?
+You'll see...
+Gotta get it done.
+Bart? Honey?
+Gotta finish.
+Close the door!
+You're probably wondering about the coat hangers. They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me.
+O-kayyy.
+It can read your electronic organizer from space.
+Even mine?
+Hey, I had Lenny's name on that!
+They have it now.
+Who are "they," exactly?
+Who else? Major League Baseball.
+Maarge. I think Bart's gone crazy!
+Oh, Bart, what's happened to you?
+Nothing yet. But the time draws near. Now, let's get those fillings out of you.
+Aagghh!
+Hey, you found my needlenose pliers.
+I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?
+Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.
+You said he was concerned about satellites.
+And their beams.
+Any other strange behavior?
+Wake up, honey!
+He quit blinking. He says that's when they get ya.
+I had a feeling this might happen.
+This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems.
+After we trusted you...
+I think we should take him off the drug.
+Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA. Ha. You can't just go OFF Focusyn.
+But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexanol. And augment that with some phenylbutamine.
+Mm... and maybe some cyclobenzanone?
+That's a great idea!
+No! You can't take my Focusyn! I need every brain cell blazing to outwit my invisible enemies!
+I know you love Focusyn, son. But in time you'll get just as attached to these three amigos.
+Uh-oh. Somebody's gonna have a tummyache.
+Stop him! He's wacked out of his gourd.
+Don't worry. We have a procedure for these situations.
+Hey, there was just air in mine.
+... And I'm really worried, Chief. There's no telling what he might do.
+Okay, so you say your son is towheaded, button nose, mischievous smile, and may be armed with a slingshot. Got it. We'll find him, ma'am.
+Looks like the kid who roughed up the Wilson widow.
+Oh, my little guy's out there in the hot sun without his sombrero.
+We should have paid more attention to these side-effects. It's all here -- erratic behavior, paranoia, diarrhea...
+I don't think he has diarrhea.
+But how do we know, Marge? How do we know?
+Uh... it's a tank, Chief.
+I can't believe it. Sarge said we're the worst bunch he's ever seen.
+See, I have to believe he's seen worse bunches than us.
+But he said...
+Yeah, I know what he said. He was just trying to motivate us.
+Well, it ruined the whole hike.
+Do you think Alex would mind if I asked Janet out?
+They're married, idiot!
+Why'd you have to yell? You ruined the whole shower.
+So I gave up tap for jazz, and I've never regretted it. And here's why...
+Homer, you're supposed to be hunting for Bart!
+I'm on top of it.
+My sweet baby. He must feel so helpless and scared.
+Don't stop / Thinkin' about tomorrow! / Don't stop / It'll soon be here...
+Smithers, we're at war!
+I'll begin profiteering, sir.
+And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.
+Egad. A maniac, cutting a swath of destruction. This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possiblyyy... Ghost Rider.
+What about Superman?
+Oh, please.
+What the... C'mon, get out! Noodles! Seesaw! Oopsie! Flopsweat! Hoohaw! Jitters! Sir Widebottom!
+Oh, I'm stuck! Easy, boys.
+Oh, sure, I'm alive. But why?
+You've raised the bar for all of us, Simpson. And I thank you.
+Wow. Praise from Caesar.
+Shoot the tires out, Lou.
+You know what? I am getting real tired of your excuses.
+Whoa! / Awesome! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! / So great!
+What a day. First the drinking fountain squirts me, and now this!
+My God, is she brave. Standing up to that freaked-out junkie.
+Dad, that junkie is your son!
+Why don't you just tell everybody?
+Hey, Mom. Thanks for comin' out.
+Thank you for stopping the tank.
+It ran outta gas.
+Oh. So, Bart...
+Question.
+How about getting out of the tank... huh maybe stopping your rampage? Huh? We could go to Krusty Burger...
+Okay. Sure.
+Right after I blow up one thing.
+Good lord, he's going to fire!
+All right! Scud the school, dude!
+No. Stop. Think of the children.
+Not the church! Jesus lives there!
+The frame store! You monster!
+Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!
+A satellite? What do we do? What do we do?
+"Discotheques," "Frat Houses," "Malibu." Nothing about satellite fires!
+Let's just spray it with water, already!
+That's the end of your Looney Tune, Drugs Bunny. You're under arrest for astro-vandalism.
+And may God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel.
+Major League Baseball?
+I told you they were monitoring my activities.
+He's right!
+This thing's got info on everybody. Addresses, credit ratings, what size baseball hat they wear...
+Surveillance beam disabled. Market research... shutting down. Doesn't that beat all?
+Hi, folks. I'm Mark McGwire.
+Big Mac himself! Who'd-a thunk it?
+Young Bart here was right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.
+But why, Mr. McGwire?
+Do you want to know the terrifying truth? Or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?
+Dingers! Dingers!
+Oooooh!
+It's good to have the old Bart back. Plus you exposed the disturbing unreadiness of today's Army.
+Oh honey, I'm so sorry we sent you on that psychotropic hayride.
+Hey, at least I got to see some cool colors.
+And Mark McGwire gave you an autographed bat.
+Why is the zero made out of glass?
+Who cares? That man can really slug.
+Well, I'm not giving my baby any more dangerous drugs. From now on it's nothing but fresh air, lots of hugs, and good, old-fashioned Ritalin!
+You said a mouthful!
+When I can't stop fiddlin' / I just takes me Ritalin / I'm poppin' and sailin', man!
+I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Springfield Shopper Newspaper. Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind to remove all traces of asbestos and the word "evolution" from our school.
+Next stop, Margaritaville! I-- Ah, they're still here.
+Yes. Now I'd like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy, so no one gets lost.
+Come to think of it, I haven't seen Uter since the last field trip.
+Well, Uter? I don't remember any Uter. Silly name -- Uter.
+Dad, it's great that you volunteered to drive -- but how did you get out of work?
+Don't worry, sweetie. Daddy's got it covered.
+I WORK HARD FOR THE MONEY! / SO HARD FOR THE MONEY! / OH, I SOMETHING, SOMETHING MONEY! / COME ON, GIVE ME LOTS OF HONEY!
+Now, there's an employee, Smithers. A smile on his lips and a song in his heart. Promote him!
+So hard... for the money... So hard... Turn tape over.
+Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy with my little eye... something beginning with "D."
+Dingus!
+God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
+I'm no hero. I just like to hit people in the head.
+Hey, you , you cut me off! Ah, yeah, you!
+Dad, that's an ambulance.
+Oh, right. ambulance! Think you're so big with your siren, and your letters on backwards.
+Here we are kids -- the zoo.
+Well, that's great, Dad, except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper.
+Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed... a fourteen-year-old boy who roamed America, founding newspapers.
+If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
+Over the years, the Shopper merged with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald, Jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly to become Springfield's number one newspaper.
+Wow, a bustling metropolitan newsroom, funnelling scoops from all over the globe.
+Hi, are you interested in a subscription to The Shopper...?
+... low, introductory rates...
+No, please, ya gotta help ol' Gil. What's it gonna take to keep you on the phone? Dance for ya? But you wouldn't even see it. All right, I'm dancing.
+... And this is our comic strip department. Who here reads "Mary Worth"?
+Let's move on.
+This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of daily sleep.
+My advice is to free us or let us die.
+Check it out, Dad. You can print out the headline from the day you were born.
+Ooo... pointless nostalgia.
+I'd sure hate to be him.
+And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
+And what per cent is that?
+Zero. Zero's a per cent.
+Hey, I smell cake! Cake that says "Farewell" and "Best Wishes"!
+Your old man has an awesome nose.
+Oh, that's nothin'. He can hear pudding.
+So Mimi, this little shindig is our way of saying farewell to our favorite food critic.
+What can I say, except thanks for the predictable champagne, pizza that's hardly "Numero Uno" and ice cream cake which reminds us "why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right?"
+I wouldn't want to be married to her. I mean, again.
+Who are you and why are you ruining my retirement party?
+I'll have you know I wandered off from the tour.
+Well, at least you like the food.
+Oh, I like food all right.
+I LIKE PIZZA / I LIKE BAGELS / I LIKE HOT DOGS, WITH MUSTARD AND BEER...
+I get the picture.
+I'LL EAT EGGPLANT / I COULD EVEN EAT A BABY DEER... LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA... WHO'S THAT BABY DEER ON THE LAWN, THERE...
+Enough already!
+Hey, listen, I just had a thought. We're looking for a new food critic. Someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
+No, it usually takes a few hours.
+Look, I'd like to give you a tryout. Write a 500 word sample review. If it passes muster, we'll put you on staff.
+Thanks for the chance. You won't never regret this, Mr. Editing Guy!
+You know, Homie, the "E" doesn't work on that typewriter.
+We don't need no stinkin' "E". Restaurant Review... No. Eatery Evaluation... No. Food box... Go or no go? By Homer... No. Earl. No. Bill Simpson!
+Well -- what do you think?
+This is a joke, right? I mean, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read.
+What's wrong with it?
+Well, you keep using words like "pasketti" and "momatoes," you make numerous threatening references to the U.N., and at the end, you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again...
+It was so hard to get to 500 words...
+Aw, look, Homer, I'm sorry, but...
+No, no, you're right. It's a joke. Everyone laugh at the funny joke . I'll be right back with the real review.
+Still not clean! Stink of failure still on me!
+Dad, I'm sorry the editor didn't like your review.
+I'll help you write a new review if you just let me use the bathroom!
+Still not clean! Still not clean!
+Okay, what restaurant should we review?
+Well, we went to Paté Labelle last week. How 'bout that?
+Great. Now, let me think... the food was... not undelicious...
+The food is delicious.
+That's brilliant. And they have this sweet, sweet chocolate mousse -- really, the only word for it is .
+Hm. What's the English equivalent for ? I'd say... transcendent.
+How about groin-grabbingly transcendent?
+Uh, I don't think so.
+We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team!
+497... 498 words. Hmph.
+How about "screw Flanders"?
+Bon Appetit.
+Aw, they're both good.
+Not bad... not bad at all. We're gonna run this on page one! Of Section H-2.
+Woo hoo! Stop the presses!
+Okay, start the presses!
+That takes four hours!
+Whatever. I'll be at Moe's.
+This is so exciting, Homie. Your first restaurant review.
+Marge, shh! It's important that no one know that I'm a food critic.
+Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic.
+Homer's a critic, pass it on.
+Did you hear? Homer's a critic!
+Quit changing the subject! Vere is Uter?
+Oh, we just vant closure.
+Here you are, one critic special.
+If anything appears to be moving, that's just freshness. Arrr.
+Can ya believe it, Marge? This job is the greatest -- they're paying me to eat!
+Yeah, now if you could just get somebody to pay you for scratching your butt, we'll be on easy street.
+Why you little...
+Wow, my first published article. Although someone else's name is on it.
+Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing. But this is only the beginning...
+There's the coffee mug from "Heartbeeps"!
+And there's the cane from "Citizen Kane." Wait a minute. There was no cane in "Citizen Kane."
+And there's that awful script from The Cable Guy!
+Let me see.
+Stupid script! Nearly wrecked Jim Carrey's career! You-- I'm gonna... What?
+The food is exquisite...
+And the view is... beautiful... inspirational... nauseating.
+Hey, Homer, great call on that chicken place.
+And on that rib place.
+I never knew everything was so good.
+Look, Marge, I'm making a difference in people's lives!
+Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious.
+I've never felt jollier!
+Oh, there go my shin bones again.
+Hey Homer, c'mere!
+Are you gonna fire me for swiping office supplies?
+Some of your fellow critics wanted to meet you ... this is Garth Trelawny, TV critic...
+Why, you... You made them cancel "Platypus Man!"
+Homer! This is our Theater Critic, Daphne Beaumont.
+And the Cosby Mysteries! That show had limitless possibilities!
+Homer, please!
+Jamie Kilday, farm supply critic. Just got back from the gopher poison show in Paris. Let me tell you something, people. The days of clubbing them with a baseball bat are over.
+For you, perhaps.
+Listen, we've been meaning to have a talk with you about your reviews. Everything's a rave! Nine thumbs up? What the hell is that?
+I've given out my share of bad reviews.
+Well, the only bad review you gave was to a slice of pizza you found under the couch.
+It lost some points 'cause it had a Hot Wheel on it.
+Good Lord, man, you're a critic! You don't have to like everything. E.g., my latest review: "We see John Deere has come out with this year's line of rototillers. Surprise surprise, they're green. I say it's time to send John Deere a 'Dear John.'"
+Oh, that's classic.
+You don't have to patronize me.
+Milord, thy daughters: Goneril, Regan and Cordelia.
+What is this, Merrie Old England or Petticoat Junction?
+Hey, lighten up, it's a comedy.
+No it's not.
+It's not!?
+Hm. This pea soup is as weak as the acting, and nowhere near as hammy.
+Dad, that's so mean.
+The other critics told me to be mean. And you should always give in to peer pressure.
+But what if someone bad tells me to...
+Always.
+Huh, huh? Whoa! This material stinks. I'm gonna have to punch it up on the fly. Oh, I got one. How do you make a King Lear? Put the queen in a bikini.
+Here's another one. Knock-knock. Who's there? Juliet. Juliet who? Juliet so much pasta fazool, Romeo doesn't want her anymore.
+Tough crowd. They're booing Shakespeare!
+Ah, not bad... if lasagna is Italian for "pile of puke."
+I chop-a you good!
+Well, I hope you cut me better than you did these string beans. Hm, I seem to be missing a piece of my ear. Touché!
+Who wants pork chops?
+Sorry, Marge. I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever, seven thumbs up.
+You always liked my pork chops.
+Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves: "Shake" and "Bake."
+You like Shake and Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.
+People change, Marge. My palate has grown more sophisticated.
+Oh, yeah? What's a palate?
+Oh... it's a special time in a boy's life when... Gotta go!
+So come to The Legless Frog... if you want to get sick and die, and leave a big, garlicky corpse. P.S. Parking was ample.
+Dad, you're being cruel for no reason -- what will people think?
+People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think!
+Not anymore. I don't wanna be partners with a man who feels like that.
+Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson! The most powerful food critic in town, who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! We'll be right back.
+I don't need Lisa to write a good review. "The food at the Gilded Truffle really..." Uh... What's a good word?
+Sucks! That's great. "And the bread was really..." C'mon, help me out here.
+"Rough!" Ah, I don't know. You've been pitching that all night.
+"Chewy!" That's inspired.
+Homer, what gives with this review? You say the salad tastes like "bark", the potatoes were very . This reads like it was written by a dog.
+Are you crazy? A dog can't type. Unfortunately.
+Listen, you gotta shape up. Next week is the "Taste of Springfield" festival, and you'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. Remember, people have certain expectations about the Lifeways section.
+Really? Like what?
+Oh, I don't know... astrology, Broom Hilda, vacation horror stories, articles about chronic-fatigue syndrome. You know, chick crap.
+Homer, he's outta control-a. He gave me a bad review -- so my friend put a horse head in his bed. He ate-a the head and gave it a bad review! True story.
+Arr, well, I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
+Then why did you put yours in the window?
+It covered the "D" from the health inspector.
+Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants!
+No, that would be impolite. I say we kill him!
+Now, hold on a minute. Are we restauranteurs or are we murderers?
+Does that answer your question?
+We'll kill him at the "Taste o' Springfield" festival. We'll give Homer all he can eat, 'til he can eat no more. Then he'll get his just dessert.
+This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.
+C'mon, you're gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!
+This éclair has over one million calories.
+Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch.
+Covered with chocolate so dark, light cannot escape its surface...
+No, no, no. This is just a picture. But Hom-aire Simp-son will find the real thing both delicious and deadly.
+Ah, yes. Death by chocolate.
+And poison. I'll stick in some poison.
+Homie, my women's intuition's acting up. Something bad's going to happen if you go in there.
+Oh, Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere.
+A bat! Now that's a new one.
+So what are you up to, young lady?
+I'm reviewing the festival for our school paper.
+Oh. Well, I'm glad to see my ex-partner is doing so well without me.
+Pedestrian.
+Uninspired.
+I didn't say stop!
+Lard ho!
+Arrr, 'tis a good sign. Homer's unfastened the top button on his pants.
+No, he's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.
+I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up and go for sweatpants.
+He says the crotch wears out too fast.
+Yarr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares.
+Well, don't worry. The giant éclair will knock Homer off the food page... and into the obituaries.
+Wait a minute, they're gonna kill Dad!
+Oh, that's-a spicy meatball.
+... So if we don't find Dad, this crazy French guy is gonna kill him!
+Only your father could take a part-time job at a small-town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
+We can find him faster by splitting up. You take fried foods. You take salty snacks. I'll take desserts. Break!
+Oh, So full... Bellybutton moving from innie to outie...
+Ooh, that looks scrum-diddly-doodly-duddly --
+Get lost!
+A rude Frenchman? Well, I never!
+Ooh, sweet.
+Dad, no!
+It's gonna kill you!
+Eh, I've had a good run.
+Don't! Uh... um... It's low-fat!
+That was close. Thank God it landed in that smoking crater.
+Take him into custardy, boys. Attempted Murder One.
+Now boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles?
+Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas.
+Lou and his frittatas.
+Oh, he likes eggs.
+Oh, Lisa... you saved me! And after all the bad things I said about you.
+What bad things? Why?
+Oh, Lisa, the important thing is, I didn't get my comeuppance, and I never will.
+Uh, Dad?
+I know, honey. The important thing is -- run!
+Finally getting my comeuppance.
+I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.
+But it was worth it to get back our super Sugar Crisp cereal.
+Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp...
+I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in?
+Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in...
+I better pull over and play it safe.
+Please be a dog.
+Oh, no!
+Ned Flanders!
+He's dead!
+He's definitely dead!
+Oh my God, we killed Ned Flanders!
+You mean you killed Ned Flanders.
+Oh, it was an accident! An accident!
+We've got to go to the police.
+They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts.
+Don't worry. I've got a plan. Okay, Ned, the first thing we have to do is...
+To make sure that no one knows that you're dead. And if anyone asks... you're not dead.
+Hey Maude! Look who's helping me clean the chimney.
+Neddy? Where have you been?
+Hi, Maude. Diddily. I've been having fun with my pal Homer. Diddily.
+Oh, I'm so relieved. Whenever you go on one of your late night fog walks, I get so worried.
+Relax, I'm fine. But when I do die, I don't want any autopsies.
+Well, come on down, you goofy roofy.
+Wow, it sure is slippery up here.
+My pies are done!
+Aww, she missed it.
+Hey Maude, I'm home. Uh-oh. I think I'm having a heart attack.
+And that's the end of that chapter.
+Try not to look too sad -- it'll seem suspicious.
+... And now Ned's best friend will say a few words. Homer?
+When I think about Ned, I can't help but remember the look on his face when Marge drove over...
+Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
+Oh, wait... What I'd like to say is, we're still looking for the real killers. Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife.
+Stop winking.
+We'll miss you, buddy.
+Hey, we just got away with murder. And it was so easy.
+You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse.
+No more murders.
+But you got to kill...
+Someone saw us.
+But who?
+Homer! Stop that!
+Who could be calling at this hour?
+Y'ello?
+I know you're alone.
+Who is this?
+Is this Maude Flanders?
+No, it's Homer.
+Oh, hey Homer, it's Moe. I must have dialed the wrong number.
+Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now.
+He's getting closer!
+Okay, Marge, you hide in the abandoned amusement park.
+Lisa, the pet cemetery.
+Bart, spooky roller disco.
+And I'll go skinny dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.
+Now, Flanders, I want you to...
+It's impossible. I killed you.
+You can't kill the undead, silly.
+He's undead, all right.
+Are you a zombie?
+Oh, I wish. You see, that night when you hit me with your car...
+I'm making record time on this fog walk!
+Ooo, better pick up the pace.
+Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in...
+I better pull over and play it safe.
+So you were going to kill us.
+Yeah...
+Hey, Foamy, I want the news, not the weather. Marge, did you hear me zing Werewolf Flanders?
+Flanders, stop that.
+Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie?
+Well, well, well, if it isn't the cutest police officer in Springfield.
+Hey, you know, we got feelin's too, Chief.
+Just dump your candy on the X-ray belt, Ralphie. There's a good boy.
+Safe... safe... razor blade... syringe... ooh, white chocolate!
+Check it out, Lisa. I'm Radioactive Man.
+I don't think the real Radioactive Man wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it.
+He would on Halloween.
+Get in there, you stupid pillowcase.
+Stop it! You'll jam the machine!
+Uh-oh. Radiation! Duck and cover!
+Cool...
+Oh, my God! Lisa!
+She's been crushed! And so have the hopes of our mathletics team.
+Hold the funeral, Poindexter.
+Poindexter?!
+Whoa, Lis, those X-rays must've given you super strength. I wonder if I got any powers...
+Nope, looks normal... Wait a minute.
+I can stretch!
+Look at me!
+Ow! Hot-hot-hot!
+I must only use this power to annoy.
+Now, who could that be at this hour?
+Yes, yes... Up, down... Side-to-side... What's your point?
+Gotcha.
+Bart, with these powers, we can become superheroes!
+Okay, so do it already!
+STRETCH DUDE AND CLOBBER GIRL / HE'S A HUMAN RUBBER BAND AND SHE'S THE HULK IN PEARLS!
+HE'S A LIMBER LAD...
+SHE'S A POWERFUL LASS...
+HE'LL WRING YOUR NECK, AND SHE'LL KICK YOUR ASS!
+THEY'RE STRETCH DUDE! AND CLOBBER GIRL! / STRETCH DUDE! CLOBBER GIRL! / STRETCH DUDE! CLOBBER GIRL!
+Tonight's episode: "Enter the Collector."
+... But I'm sure that once girls get to know the real you, you'll get plenty of dates. Next question.
+Yes, over here. In episode BF12 you were battling barbarians while riding a wing-ed Appaloosa. Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a wing-ed Arabian. Please to explain it.
+Uhh, yeah, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.
+I see, all right, yes. But in episode AG4...
+Wizard.
+Oh, for glayvin out loud.
+Behold! I am the Collector... and I'm here to add you to my collection!
+Must remove... my breastplate... Maybe later.
+Care for a Rollo, sweet Xena?
+All right, "Collector," stick this in your tweezers! I'm not Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic.
+Oh, please. I'm not insane. I simply wish to take you back to my lair and make you my bride.
+Oh, dear God!
+Clobber Girl?
+It's Xena! She's been kidnapped! Come on!
+Remember, you're vulnerable to Kryptonite!
+Geez, Marge, tell the neighborhood.
+Fear not, my syndicated sweetie. You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch. Forever remaining in near-mint condition between Dr. Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth.
+I don't think so!
+I don't think so, either.
+Your collecting days are over, Collector...
+Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once -- to keep William Shatner from making another album.
+Stretch Dude! Help!
+Just a sec.
+Whoa! Hey, phaser, phaser, phaser -- zing!
+Goodnight, Retch Dude and Slobber Girl. Sweet screams.
+I'm unbelievably rude.
+Soon, those bratty buttinskis will be encased in Lucite for all eternity. While we're waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night: Obi-Wan, Iron Man, Mr. Mxyzptlk, and, of course, Big Papa Smurf.
+What do you need me for? You could have your choice of any of the women in these bags.
+You would think so, but no.
+Really? Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other. Growing up, I was always tall for my age, and the other kids made fun of me. I... I always hoped for another misunderstood soul to share my pain and... you could be that soul, Collector.
+Come here, you. Xena needs xex.
+Got your lips!
+You tricked me with a ruse so hackneyed it would make Stan Lee blush.
+Shut up.
+Ooh! Ow! Oh, that hurts!
+Bart, just let me drop and save yourself!
+What d'you think I've been tryin' to do?
+Aha! Not even Xena is a match for the limited-edition, double-edged light saber from "Star Wars -- Episode 1... The Phantom Menace".
+You removed it from its original packaging!
+Nooo! It's no longer a collectible!
+What a nerd.
+Lucite hardening...
+Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose from "Battlestar Galactica"...
+Best... death... ever.
+Wow, thanks for saving us.
+No problem. Now let's get you kids home.
+Wait a minute, Xena can't fly.
+I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.
+STRETCH DUDE! AND CLOBBER GIRL!
+This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000... and that was Whitesnake!
+We're not Whitesnake, dude, we're Poison.
+I thought we were Quiet Riot.
+Well, it says here we're Ratt.
+Man alive, what a stinko thousand years! Blimp wrecks, teen-agers... then again, we had two TV shows with Andy Griffith.
+And eleven with Robert Urich.
+SUPER FREAK! SUPER FREAK! I'M SUPER FREAKIN'! YOWWWL!
+Aw, man. What'd I do now?
+Wonderful. Now that song is dedicated to all you super geeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate America's Y2K bugs. Slammin'!
+Hey, Homer. Weren't you the plant's Y2K Compliance Officer?
+Absolutely.
+It musta been hard debugging all those computers, huh Homer?
+Doin' what now?
+You did fix them, right Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
+That can't be true, honey. If it were, I'd be terrified.
+... EIGHT... SEVEN... SIX... we wanna thank Dixie Brand Mayonnaise... Whoo Lawdy, what a mayonnaise! THREE... TWO...
+That's Homer Simpson's computer.
+Oh God! It's spreading!
+Happy New--
+Oh, no. It's happening.
+... Wha?!
+Who's going to clean up all those jets?
+There goes the clothesline.
+Well, those ivory tower eggheads have screwed us again. Let's just have some milk and go to bed...
+Hey, this milk's broken.
+It's got a computer chip in it. Everything does.
+Stop! Ow!
+... Judgment Day is upon us. I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your mini-dresses, and Beatle boots...
+I resisted these for thirty-five years! Why did I wear them today?
+But it's not too late to repent your sins and be embraced by the Almighty --
+Hey, everybody!
+They're looting the mall. Hurry! I got nine shoe buffers!
+I'm caught on something!
+I don't want you looting!
+But I was gonna loot you a present!
+Oh, all right.
+Oh, thank you, Homie. A Lady Remington.
+Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now.
+Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders?
+I think that was implied by what I said.
+Implied, Lisa? Or implode?
+Mom, make him stop.
+Oh, no! Krusty!
+My pacemaker... it's stuck on hummingbird!
+Nectar! Nectar! I need to drink my weight in nectar!
+Krus-tyyyyyy! Hey, a note.
+You have been selected for Operation Exodus...
+They're evacuating the Earth! We're saved!
+Thank you, sweet clown.
+In death you saved us all.
+I'm not dead!
+I can still hear his voice on the wind.
+There it is!
+Just like the dead clown promised.
+Wow, there's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Paul McCartney, Michael Jordan, Michelle Kwan...
+They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest.
+That's us!
+Name please.
+Certainly. I am... the, ah, piano genius from the movie "Shine."
+Uh-huh. And your name is?
+Uh... Shiny McShine?
+You're pouring hot butter on my leg!
+Actually, he's Homer Simpson. That's Bart. I'm Lisa...
+Lisa Simpson? Ah, you're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard!
+Now before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice. You're only allowed to take one parent with you--
+Love ya lots!
+Good-bye Lisa, remember me as I am... filled with murderous rage.
+Well, son. I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives. Oh, right.
+Hey, look, another spaceship!
+And there's nobody guarding it. Let's go!
+I can't believe I destroyed the Earth.
+Are you still talking about the Earth?
+You're right. I gotta let it go. All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats.
+Ooh, there's Ross Perot, Dr. Laura, Spike Lee...
+Wait a minute. They're not so great.
+Okay, but there's... Dan Quayle and Courtney Love... Tanya Harding... Al Sharpton...?
+Tom Arnold?! What the hell's going on?!
+Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars. Our's is headed for the sun.
+Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch. And I could've. 'Cause I'm a big guy. And I'm good with knots.
+So we're all gonna die?
+'Fraid so. But hey, the grub's pretty good, huh?
+The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth!
+Gonna work on my tannage, buuuh-ddy.
+Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey, we should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues!
+Hey, turn those frowns around!
+Oh no, Rosie O'Donnell.
+Ooo, you don't want to get Zorro mad.
+C'mon everybody, sing along! "CLANG CLANG CLANG WENT THE TROLLEY!" This side only!
+DING DING DING WENT THE BELL! / ZING ZING ZING WENT MY HEARTSTRINGS / FROM THE MOMENT I SAW HIM I FELL!
+"CLANG CLANG CLANG WENT THE TROLLEY!" / "DING DING DING WENT THE BELL!
+Don't worry, Dad. We'll be dead in five minutes.
+Not fast enough!
+FROM THE MOMENT I SAW HIM I FELL!"
+Oh my, war is terrible.
+Ahhh...
+Buzz Cola, the taste you'll kill for.
+Available in ze lobby!
+Do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda?
+I have to go to ze lobby!
+I'm sorry, but we're not supposed to put butter on the Milk Duds.
+You're not supposed to go to the bathroom without washing your hands, either.
+Touché.
+To the top please.
+Swim, my pretties.
+Sacre bleu! The deadly poke of Zorro!
+What? "N"? What does "N" stand for?
+No, no, it's a "Z"! I am Zorro! "Z" for Zorro! I have come to return King Arthur to the throne!
+It's a history lesson come to life.
+No it isn't. It's totally inaccurate--
+Quiet, here come the Ninjas.
+What part of "stop cutting my dress off" don't you understand?
+Ha, ha, ah-- "S. P.?" The Scarlet Pimpernel!?
+We're just, uh, friends.
+She's lying! Slice her head off!
+Your honor has been insulted! This will not stand.
+Sh-sh-shh!
+Sir, I demand satisfaction!
+I challenge you to a duel.
+Do you accept, or are you a coward?
+I... am a coward!
+Woo! You go, Zorro!
+I, King Arthur, declare Zorro the new King of England!
+From the 'Z' to the 'O' to the double 'R' 'O' / He's the dude in the mask from the bar-ri-o / With his horse and his mask and his big ol' sword / He'll cut your butt from a '52 Ford...
+Ho, move it, Q-tip. Ha.
+Why that little... He insulted your honor!
+Sir, I demand satisfaction.
+Are you crazy, dude?
+I challenge you to a duel.
+The dude is crazy!
+Will you duel, or are you a coward?!
+Would a coward do this? Bye!
+My hero!
+Uh, uh. "H" is for Homer.
+Thanks, Homer.
+I told you not to drink all those Frescas before we got in the car.
+Mother, please! You're embarrassing me.
+No, I'm not. Seymour needs the toilet! His bladder's full. Full of urine!
+Yeah, thanks. It's just past the end of the bar, next to the heavyset guy.
+Heavyset? What's that supposed to mean?
+All right, take it easy. Take it easy. I'm just saying you ain't no, uh, Tommy Tune.
+No Tommy Tune, eh? Oh, that's it. You insulted my honor.
+I-- Your what now?
+I demand satisfaction! I challenge you to a duel.
+Homer...
+Hey, a duel? I, ah-- Isn't that a little extreme? Here, here, have a free beer.
+Really? But you've never given anyone a free beer.
+Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no duelin' glove before, either.
+Wow, a free beer! And I owe it all to a little glove slap. GLOVE SLAP...
+BABY, GLOVE SLAP...
+A GLOVE SLAP TO A LITTLE OLD FACE WILL / GET YOU SAT-IS-FAC-TION / GLOVE SLAP BABY...
+GLOVE SLAP / BABY GLOVE SLAP / GLOVE SLAP / I DON'T TAKE CRAP / GLOVE SLAP / SHUT YOUR BIG YAP...!
+Coming through... challenge... duel... Hi Lenny... how dare you... demand satisfaction...
+Suh, your challenge is accepted.
+I agree to the duel, suh. I choose pistols at dawn.
+Pistols at dawn?! Oh, why did I have to slap a guy who says "suh"?
+You'll need a will and headstone, aisle six.
+Aisle six?
+Duelling at dawn? How did it ever come to this?
+The National Weather Service says dawn is still scheduled for six-twenty tomorrow, and to please stop calling.
+Oh, Homer, I bet that southern colonel doesn't even show up.
+Yeah, he's probably just a big blowhard like you.
+Sir, that is an insult! I challenge you... What?
+Oh, honey, I had the worst nightmare. This glove kept slapping people and I was getting blamed.
+Suh! I say, suh! The time has come!
+Oh, no!
+He's out there, isn't he?
+I'm afraid so. And his wife's with him.
+Hey, I'm not dead yet.
+Save me, Marge. I saved you!
+Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you?
+Oh Marge, that's in the past. Just let it go.
+Suh, I say, suh, the hour is upon us, suh.
+Hello, my husband will be right with you. We're just taking this old Christmas tree to the dump.
+Ah, well now, I wouldn't be much of a southern gentleman if I didn't help you carry that tree...
+No, no, no, no, you'll get sap on your duelling blouse.
+Well, at least let me shoot it into smaller pieces for you, madam.
+Well, it's worth a try don't you--
+We're fine, Colonel. Good day.
+Looks like you were saved by a Christmas tree.
+And somebody wanted to get rid of it in April.
+Flanders, you gotta help me. Is there a southern couple parked in front of my house?
+Oooh, yes indeedy, Homer. Looks like they're settling in for a long stay.
+I was afraid of that. Well, goodbye, my gentle neighbor. You know, I've always wanted to tell you how mu...
+To continue talking, please deposit ten cents.
+Ah, screw it.
+We can't go back home?
+Where are we gonna live?
+Ooh! How 'bout that house?
+That has people living in it. You can see them through the windows.
+Lousy show-offs.
+Look! It's Jimmy Carter!
+Could you build us a house, President Carter? We can't go back to ours.
+I'm sorry, these are for the truly needy.
+Yeah, git yer own habitat.
+Come on, Carter, build us a house, you lazy bum.
+You have offended me, suh. I challenge you to--
+Come back here! Why, you yellow belly...
+Come on, move it!
+Where are we going, Dad?
+How should I know?
+Then why are you driving so fast?
+'Cause I'm trying to think! What would Zorro do?
+Zo-rrooo!
+"Rural route 9?" That's it! We can hide out at the farm where I grew up!
+You mean Grampa's old farm?
+Yeah, it'll be fun. Fresh country air, apples for the pickin'... sing-along hayrides...
+What a dump!
+Race ya to the swimmin' hole!
+Com'on, Maw. Bring the young 'uns! There's no leeches! Lots of snakes, though.
+Holy moly, we can't stay here. It's full of raccoons.
+Just think of 'em as cats with rabies.
+Hello, kitty.
+You little scamp.
+Are we really gonna live here and grow crops?
+Absolutely. This is our big chance. The Simpsons will be reborn as a bunch of gap-toothed bumpkins.
+I'll dig an outhouse.
+I'll weed the floor.
+I'll repress the rage I'm feeling.
+That's my girl. Let the agriculture begin!
+All right, let's see what the old girl can do.
+It doesn't sound very tractor-y.
+Hang on.
+And... there.
+Now we're talkin'!
+Go get Lassie.
+Lassie?
+Oh, you poor little sheep! No one's sheared you for years!
+All right. Almost done, my little friend. Soon you'll be a nice, cool... RAT?!
+Well, well, look at the city slicker pullin' up in his fancy German car.
+This car was made in Guatemala.
+Well pardon us, Mr. Gucci loafers.
+I bought these shoes from a hobo.
+Well la-dee-da, Mr. Park-Avenue manicure.
+I'm sorry, I believe in good grooming.
+You're not gonna grow nothin' on the old Simpson place. That's why your daddy abandoned it.
+Aw, what do you know?
+Well, I know your soil pH is up around 9.6, and you need it seven to eight, max.
+Oh, that's just superstition.
+You watch me. I'll grow something out there.
+Not if you're plantin' Gummi Bears.
+Wow, Dad, this is the juiciest watermelon I ever tasted.
+Yeah, I hope I can grow some like that.
+What are you planting?
+Oh, a little bit of everything.
+Something will thrive in this harsh, merciless soil.
+And for those who face nature unafraid, it is they who reap the... ah... I'm down.
+Move the handbrake...
+Ohhh, that's heaven.
+Oh, it's been a month. Why won't anything grow?
+Maybe it needs more fertilizer.
+I'm only one man, Marge.
+Well, it's probably just a bad growing season.
+Hot diggity! It's up to her eye. Time to harvest, boys!
+Nice work, Petunia. Here you go.
+Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no farmer.
+Well, if it isn't Mr. Salad Fork. You couldn't grow stink on a monkey.
+Leave me alone, you big bully.
+Oh, I'm just razzin' ya. It's my way. Here, have an ear on me.
+More tumbleweed, Lisa?
+No thanks. I'm still finishing my thistles.
+Dad, if we leave for town right now, we can catch the dinner special at Krusty-Burger.
+Sorry, boy. Going back to Springfield would be a coward's way out.
+Wasn't skipping town in the first place a coward's way out?
+Oh, you're right. I'm a coward. I've made such a mess of things. If only there was some magic potion that would make those crops grow...
+Wait a minute.
+Plutonium?! Gee, Homer, isn't that kinda risky?... Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not.
+Hey Lenny, you sendin' some outgoing mail?
+You know it.
+I'll probably send some tomorrow.
+I hear that.
+Easy... careful... steady...
+Time to give Mother Nature a little goose.
+Well, Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
+It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
+Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
+You got that from a movie poster!
+Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
+Where'd you get that?
+From the producers of "Waiting to Exhale."
+Is that plutonium on your gums?
+Shut up and kiss me.
+It's time to harvest our radioactive supercrop!
+But it's only been one night.
+That's all it takes. If we learned one thing from "The Amazing Colossal Man," and "Grasshopperus," it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big, real fast.
+Yeah, but didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett?
+Only 'cause he tried to reason with him.
+Brace yourselves, everybody. You're about to see the hugest, juiciest, possibly super-intelligent vegetables man has ever known. You might want to crane your necks upward now to save time.
+All right, now don't panic. It's possible the giant vegetables are invisible.
+Oh... Where are you?
+Oh, honey, give it up.
+Oh, you're right. This farm's hopeless. Why didn't I listen to those inbred hicks? I guess I'll just go hang myself in the barn.
+Homer, no!
+Let 'im go, Mom.
+Wait, Dad, you don't have to kill yourself.
+This better be good.
+Something's growing.
+A sprout!
+And there's some more!
+What is it? Carrots? Peas? Maybe it's okra.
+Who cares what it is? It's growing! I've saved the farm!
+Look at my babies. This tomato will be Heinz ketchup. And this to-mah-to will be Hunt's catsup.
+Bup, no fighting, boys.
+Bleh! Tastes like cigarette butts.
+That's odd. The outside looks like a tomato, but the inside is brown.
+Maybe the tomato seeds crossbred with the tobacco seeds.
+Oh, great. I got a field full of mutants.
+Gimme! I want more!
+I thought you said it tasted terrible.
+It does. But it's smooth and mild. And refreshingly addictive.
+Addictive, eh?
+"ToMacco?" That's pretty clever, Dad. I mean, for a product that's evil and deadly.
+Aw, thanks honey.
+Well, I'm not crazy about the plutonium or nicotine, but it is very nice to see Bart eating his vegetables.
+Excuse me, Mr. Farmer man. I promised my son he could tip over his first cow, and I... "ToMacco?"
+Yes, it's the latest craze. Try some, won't you?
+Go ahead, Ralphie. The stranger is offering you a treat.
+Oh Daddy, this tastes like Grandma.
+Holy Moses, it does taste like Grandma.
+I want more.
+Yeah, me too. We'll take a bushel or a peck or just, just give it to me.
+Can I interest you in a mincemeat pie? There very...
+Does it have tomacco in it?
+No, but I use only the fre...
+I was here first! / C'mon, c'mon people!
+Don't push. There's plenty of tomacco for everyone.
+Have your cash or food stamps ready!
+Don't forget your mincemeat pie!
+You're scaring the customers, honey.
+Hello, folks. Would you and your family like to take a ride with us?
+Meet the Laramie cigarette team. This is Mindy, J.P. and Emile.
+Homer, we're in a bit of a pickle. Kids are crazy about tobacco, but the politicians won't let us sell it to them.
+Those dirty rotten...
+I wish I could make a difference, Lisa, but I'm just one man.
+Tell me about it. But there's no law against selling kids tomacco. That little "M" is worth a lot of money to us... and to you.
+How much?
+Well, let's say a hundred...
+... and fifty...
+... million dollars.
+One hundred and... May I speak to my family for a moment?
+Did you see the way Emile's lookin' at Mindy? Hoo-hoo, I think something's going on there.
+Shouldn't we be talking about the hundred and fifty million dollar offer?
+Oh, yeah. Let's take it.
+Dad, it's a tobacco company. They make billions off the suffering and deaths of others.
+She's right, Dad. They can afford a lot more.
+No, I...
+I'm with Lisa. Let's take 'em to the cleaners.
+We all agree that a hundred and fifty million is an insult. The least we can accept is a hundred and fifty billion.
+They'll be back. We control the world's supply of tomacco and no one can take that away from...
+Stop eating our future!
+Get the... get outta... bad animals! Go home!
+Thank God, there's one left!
+Look, a flying saucer!
+There, there. We had quite a scare today. But you're gonna make us millions. Yes you are.
+You're about to launch a terrible evil on the world. You've gotta destroy this plant.
+I know, honey. But what can I do, as an individual? I wouldn't know where to begin.
+Just burn that plant right now and end this madness.
+I agree, but how?
+They're after the tomacco!
+Now you can't tell me nicotine's not addictive.
+Lisa, there's absolutely no evidence this is...
+Tomaaaccohhhh!
+Give them the plant, Homer!
+No, I'd rather die!
+Take it!
+Well! What a lovely gift. Gotta run!
+So, Mindy? How did you want to pay me the hundred and fifty million?
+Cash'll be okay! Or stock? Does your company have stock?
+Mindy and I are just hammering out a payment plan. We'll talk Monday!
+Hey, props to Mindy on the grab.
+Guys, we seem to be carrying a little extra weight.
+Don't look at me, I'm on Sugar Busters.
+I've never been so glad to be home.
+I don't know why we ever left in the first place.
+Five! Six! Seven! Eight, I say, eight! Nine! Aaannnd ten-- What is that intoxicatin' aroma? Could that be, I say, could that be mincemeat pie?
+It certainly is. Why don't you put down your gun and have a slice?
+I don't mind if I do.
+Hey, are we duellin' or what?
+Oh, where are my manners?
+You okay, Dad?
+I think so. The bone stopped the bullet.
+Dad, this might be one of those things you should go to the hospital for.
+After pie.
+GLOVE SLAP / SHUT YOUR BIG YAP / GLOVE SLAP / BABY GLOVE SLAP / OOHH, GLOVE THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT YEAH / GLOVE BABY GIVE IT A SLAP / GLOVE SLAP I DON'T TAKE CRAP / GLOVE SLAP / SHUT YOUR BIG YAP / A GLOVE SLAP TO A LITTLE OL' FACE WILL GET YOU / SA-TIS-FAC-TION / GLOVE SLAP BA-BY...!
+Snooze... need more snooze.
+Num num, Maggie. Num num.
+Did somebody say num num?
+I can't get Maggie to eat. Maybe if you try...
+Oh, I'm twenty-six hours late for work. No time for Maggie.
+Oooh, where's Waldo?
+Nope. Nope. This would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope. Nope. It's there-- Uh, nope.
+Waldo, where are you?!
+And it is a nightmare out there on the freeways today, with surface streets jammed and the sidewalks filled with pushy New Yorkers.
+Hey! How'd you like a "Details" magazine up the wazoo?
+Oh sure. Single me out.
+All right, smart guy. Where's the fire?
+Over there.
+Okay, you just bought yourself a 3-17: pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 3-14? Nah, nah, a 3-14 is a dog, ah in... no, or is that a 3-15? You're in trouble, pal.
+Heh, heh. I'd hate to see the look on ol' Burnsie's face if he knew I was just gettin' in. Hee hee.
+Mmm, who is that? Big ugly nose... bald... liver spot... liver spot... Mmmm.
+Turn around, Simpson.
+No! I can't get in trouble if I can't see you.
+I'm afraid he's got us, sir.
+Safe in the core. And now...
+Don't forget the leg protectors, sir.
+Ah, yes.
+I knew I had those installed for a reason.
+This is the worst day ever.
+Hey Homer, what gives?
+Mr. Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste.
+Geez, that's rough. There must be two, three hundred gallons in here.
+Yeah, and even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor.
+Hey, you wanna come bowling with us tonight?
+Hello? Homer? Where are you? You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie.
+Oh, Marge, I'm sorry. I can't make it.
+The cooling tank just blew and they're taking Lenny to the hospital.
+Oh no, not Lenny. Not Lenny!
+Yeah, so I'm going to have to work late, instead of seeing you and the kids, which is what I really want.
+Okay, sure.
+Kids, turn off the TV. I have some bad news about Lenny.
+Not Lenny!
+Hey, Carl. Check out the overhead scoreboard.
+Poo. Uh, Homer, what wacky name do you want?
+Are poo and ass taken?
+Damn! Could my life get any worse?!
+Simpson! Even for a bowler, you're fat!
+Hey, guys. Is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?
+Uhh, actually, I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
+What a rotten day!
+Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
+You're polishing bone!
+Hey, Homer. That's four strikes in a row. You got a perfect game going!
+Really?
+Careful what you say, Lenny. You'll jinx it.
+Oh, right. Sorry.
+Miss! Miss!
+Sorry, I was calling the waitress.
+Ah, this split you sold me is making me choke.
+Lenny...
+What? I paid seven-ten for this split.
+Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?
+Hey, spare me your gutter mouth.
+Practice ball! Practice ball!
+Real real real real real!
+Woo hoo!
+Kids, today we have to talk about Krusty Brand Chew-Goo gum-like substance.
+We knew it contained spider eggs, but the Hantavirus, well, that really came out of left field.
+So if any of you have experienced numbness, or comas, send proof of purchase and five dollars to...
+"ANTIDOTE, P.O. BOX 14..."
+This is Kent Brockman live from Barney's Bowlarama, where local "pin-head" Homer Simpson is on the verge of a perfect game.
+Hey, there was no accident at the plant. Dad just wanted to go bowling!
+He shouldn't have deceived me, but I'm just so relieved Lenny's okay.
+This could be the greatest individual achievement in the history of Springfield, which proves just how pitiful this town is.
+Morons.
+Ho-mer! Ho-mer! Ho-mer!
+Woo hoo! I'm ten pins away from perfection.
+Now listen, your father really needs to concentrate. So we'll just stay here and not disturb him.
+Why won't they come over? I'm so lonely.
+This is it, folks. The ball that will determine whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game or a pathetic two-ninety-something.
+Yay! Yay!
+What's wrong, Abe?
+This is as fast as I move now.
+Get down, get down, get down!
+Woo hoo! This is the greatest day of my life!
+You did it, Homie!
+In your face, to-do list!
+Ho-mer! Ho-mer!
+Thank you! Thank you! But there was someone else with me on that alley. I'm talkin' about the big man, Carl.
+Aw, can the corn, bonehead.
+Children, today's Local Hero is Homer Simpson.
+Mr. Simpson bowled a perfect game without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust, or the other narcotics that are synonymous with pro bowling.
+Thank you, Bart's teacher. You know, kids, my teachers said I would never amount to anything. And until last week, they were dead right. But now I've achieved perfection.
+Any questions?
+Yes, Bart's weird friend.
+Will you be my Dad?
+You've got a father. He's just a dud.
+Next question.
+Yes, the girl Bart has a crush on.
+Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor?
+Um, how 'bout one not touching your ass?
+Hey, this was supposed to be about me. Now, any other questions? Pumpkin face? Headgear? Chicken pox? Smelly? Lazy eye? Spikey head? Okay, class dismissed. Rock on!
+Hurray! / Yayyy! / Woooo!
+Wanna split the birthday cupcakes?
+Live from Shelbyville, it's the Springfield Squares! Featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game" Simpson!
+There's a stairway, dumbass!
+Okay, we'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu.
+Disco Stu's gonna groove up some dough playin' Tic Tac Toe!
+Uh, Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to "Tic Tac Toe."
+I can dig it. Hit me with the center square.
+Uhhh, Homer...
+Yes, Kent?
+According to Redbook Magazine, what is the speed of light?
+Well... that would... uh, wait... uh... do I read from the sheet labeled "Jokes" or "Answers?"
+Oh, for the l... stop tape!
+Make me center square, Kent! I'm ready. I can handle it.
+Dream on, Drunky!
+Oh, that's it! You're going down!
+Stop it, you two! You're making Scratchy cry.
+Ohh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on.
+Flavor of the month? Me?
+Yeah, Homer, you can't just ride one accomplishment forever. Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?
+I 'unno... Because you weren't cute anymore?
+Mmm... I'll agree.
+Circle gets the square. Goodnight, everyone.
+Eww, thanks for sharing!
+Now before my partner Teller hits the shark-infested water, I'll need to borrow someone's crossbow.
+I only need one.
+Now to save my partner's life, I'll need complete...
+Hello, everybody!
+Did somebody say a perfect game?
+You idiot! You'll ruin everything!
+I'm doing a walk-on. It's a show business thing. So how y'all doin'? Let's see... What's in the news today?
+Would you shut up?!
+Hey, I thought you never talked.
+Uh, I didn't mean to! Huh. It just slipped out! Oh God, now Penn's gonna beat me!
+Folks, it's all part of the act.
+No, it isn't! Don't leave me alone with him!
+You've ruined the act! I'm gonna kill you!
+He'll do it! I'm not the first Teller!
+Remember Springfield, keep on swinging!
+Hey, come here! I, I just wanna talk to ya! Come here! Come here!
+Ooh! Ooh! Guys?
+Remember: in the whole world, there's nobody like you. You're special.
+Who's special?
+That's right! You are!
+Hey, everybody! I'm gonna be on TV again.
+That's right. You've got a special daddy.
+Burt Reynolds apologized to the Pope, and promised to replace the windshield.
+Burt Reynolds, class act. Well now, for our segment, "Yesterday's News"... featuring Homer Simpson. Are you as bored as I am with the antics of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone? I say it's time to put this one-trick pony out to stud.
+Woo hoo! First stop, Maude Flanders.
+But she said I...
+Dad, what she's saying is you've had your moment in the sun and now it's time for you to gracefully step aside.
+Lisa, I know what's going on here. They did it to Jesus and now they're doing it to me.
+Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?
+Well, in bowling ability.
+Sweet bowling alley balloon. You're my only friend.
+What was that about?
+Marge, has my life peaked?
+Ohhh, Homey, is that what's bothering you?
+Mm-hmmm.
+Well the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner.
+You're right!
+I can't believe it, Moe. The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten.
+Geez, Homer. I never seen you so depressed. As your life partner, I'm very worried.
+Save your tears, Moe. Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope.
+A shreda what? Uh, sorry, I was countin' the cocktail radishes.
+Now where was I? Uh, two... three... Three radishes. Three big radishes.
+THIS IS THE END / MY ONLY FRIEND, THE END / WEIRD SCENES INSIDE THE GOLD MINE...
+Well, world, this is it. You know, I always thought you'd die before me. But now as I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking...
+Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal!
+Hey, Mr. S. I didn't know you bungeed.
+I wanna live!
+No, no! You're too heavy!
+It's a glandular problemmmm!
+Oooh, Morlocks... CHUDS... Mole People!
+There is no escape from the Fortress of the Moles.
+Well, except that.
+Oh, Lord... you saved me. I guess you had some higher purpose in mind.
+Hey, look out!
+Oh, dumbass, trying to get yourself killed?
+Not anymore, Ron. Now, I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to. Something noble, but easy.
+Daddy, stop talking to that bum.
+Look, I'd love to help you out, Homer, but I'm taking my kids to the zoo.
+That's great. Even big stars take their kids to the zoo.
+Well, it's a different zoo, containing animals you've never heard of.
+Daddy, we're missing the fantasti-potamus. She only sings twice a day!
+That's it! Kids are the answer! I'll dedicate my life to my children.
+Really? You have children? Oh, well look, here's some money.
+No. I don't want your pity or your money.
+Usually when you say that, you give the money back.
+I do what now?
+Listen, boy... I was wondering if you could use a little more fatherly attention.
+No need, Dad. Over the years I've learned to find father figures wherever I can... construction workers, the internet... and Nelson, here.
+If you tie a string around your finger real tight, you can make it turn purple.
+I can see I'm not needed here.
+Lisa, honey, do you need any help with your homework?
+Sure! You can help me find three words where "y" is the vowel.
+I've been so blind. I'll lavish my attention on Maggie, the forgotten Simpson.
+Mag-gie. It's me, Dad-dy!
+Daddy's gonna spend a lot more time with you. Yes he is. Yes he is.
+Where's Mag-gie? Where's Mag-gie? Hey, where is she?
+There you are.
+Hi Maggie! I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. And I'm all man, in case you've heard otherwise. Let's see what's on Tummy-vision!
+Ow! Ow, that hurts! Owww! Ohhh!
+Whee! Whee! Don't be scared, Maggie. Daddy won't drop you. Whee!
+You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm gonna win you over. Just like I did with Lisa.
+Hi, honey!
+Okay, Dads. This is where your child's trust in you really pays off.
+C'mon, Maggie. You can trust me.
+Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy!
+I'm sorry, Maggie. I never realized things between us had gotten this bad.
+What are you pointing at? The ocean?
+That's a great idea. We'll swim in the ocean.
+See, Maggie. The ocean is just like a bathtub. Except instead of rubber ducks, it has barracudas and moray eels.
+Nothing to worry about. Just a little wave.
+And this riptide is certainly nothing Daddy can't struggle against. Help! Help! Somebody, help!
+Oh, current... too strong... I know! If I sink to the bottom I can run to the shore.
+Maggie! Call Aquaman!
+Maggie, you're swimming! You swam out to save me.
+Oh, you do love me!
+Mr. Simpson, you're going to be fine. Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.
+Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.
+Well, I don't want to pry into your personal life...
+Then don't.
+Doctor, how could a little baby save a full-grown man from drowning?
+It's quite simple -- When a parent's life is in danger, a child can summon superhuman strength.
+Well, all I care about is that my little girl loves me. And we're gonna spend a lot more time together from now on.
+Good girl, Maggie. You knocked down all the pins. But you stepped over the line just a little bit, so I'll have to give you a five.
+And that gives you a final score of... two ninety-five.
+Looks like Daddy won, but two ninety-five is awfully good for a baby.
+Yes it is. It's very good and you're a good little baby. Yes you are.
+These Swedish furniture designers sure have some far-out ideas. I mean, a green table! I wouldn't have thought of that in my wildest dreams.
+And these bean bag chairs look so comfortable.
+Hey, there's someone else in here.
+Arr. She swallowed me whole.
+You put it together yourself. All you need is me, Allen Wrench.
+He's named after what he is.
+Cool costume!
+It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor.
+Excuse me, where are your hamper lids?
+Hamper lids? Uh, third floor. Help. I need tungsten to live.
+Tung-stennn!
+Oooh, look at all these clever pencil holders.
+Ooh, I want to get the "Kr_nk"!
+You don't want something that overshadows the pencils.
+How about this "Pöpli"?
+Mom, no! Everyone at school picks on the "Pöpli" kids. Even I do. I just hate them so much.
+Oh! Manjula has begun to ovulate.
+Yes, I will have the... Pl_penlügen. And don't skimp on the D__dlemünch.
+How ingenious. The forks are made out of Lego.
+Hello, Simpsons!
+Hey, Apu, Manjula. You guys are still married?
+Oh, yes sir. Quite happily.
+Pay up, Marge.
+Say, whatcha got there?
+I don't know exactly. It's from the room of lamps that do not look like lamps.
+Ohhh, little Maggie!
+Aren't you cute with your little bow?!
+Maggie loves baby talk.
+That was Hindi.
+Oh. Sorry. So have you two thought about kids?
+Well, sure we have, but the decision to have a child is not to be made lightly.
+Mm. On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do!
+Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all.
+Well, perhaps it is time. I've noticed this country is dangerously underpopulated.
+Are you sure you want a child, Apu?
+You know... I do. I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, "Who will float my corpse down the Ganges?"
+Oh, Apu! Take me now.
+Oh, Calcutta!
+Hey Apu. Sittin' in the ice cream cooler, eh?
+By chilling my loins, I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.
+Whoa, too much information! Thanks for the mental picture. Why don't you tell us what you really think?
+Just stop spouting those hackneyed quips.
+Could you be any more...? Hel-lo! Look, just give me some ice cream.
+More than I wanted to knoooow!
+Here goes nothing...
+Baby...
+Baby...!
+Oh... lemon.
+All that sex for nothing!
+Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.
+You know, Homer, you might want to open those cans before they explode.
+But the cans seal in the flavor.
+So, how's the tribe comin' along? Any papooses?
+No, still no luck. Tell me, Homer, did you have to take any special steps when you decided to have children?
+Decided? That's classic. Decided. Babies just happen.
+Well, not to us they don't. Oh Homer, we have tried everything! Oysters, gravity boots, Sanjay's bed, every possible position...
+Really? On top and underneath?
+Eh, yes.
+Well, don't worry, I can help ya. I'm all about ideas.
+Kids, come and get it!
+Now, this situation is guaranteed to end in pregnancy.
+I'm willing to play the high school jock, but did you have to cut the roof off my car?
+Up-bup-bup-bup! That's an Apu question. You're "Greg."
+"Uh, gee, Betsy. It's such a nice night. Why don't we go all the way?"
+"But Greg, my Dad will kill me. And you have that scholarship to Ivy League State."
+"Loosen up, baby. Tomorrow I'm shipping off to Vietnam." I... I thought I was going to Ivy League State.
+My mistake. Stay in the moment.
+Just promise not to forget me on your dinosaur-bone-digging-up trip...
+And that's my cue to exit.
+I just wanted to invite you to the wrap party. And that's my cue to exit.
+Baby... Baby... Pirate?
+No, no, wait a minute. Pirates are wild!
+We are pregnant!
+Oh, get lost.
+Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
+I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
+I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as "Sideshow Marge."
+I became the most popular girl in school, but blew it by being conceited.
+And then I learned the true meaning of winter.
+Apu, do you still find me attractive?
+Of course I do, sweetheart. You're beautiful and silky and manageable.
+You're reading that off a conditioner bottle.
+That's true. But you still have a...
+My water broke!
+Oh, we must drive to the hospital!
+Cleanup in aisle three.
+Aw, finally. Gil's movin' up to the big leagues, boy!
+My back!
+Apu, come quick! You're missing the miracle!
+Oh, my sweet husband. Say hello to your first-born child.
+Oh, you shall be the jewel of our lives.
+Aww, now say hello to your other seven children.
+My... Whaa...?!
+We had quite a discussion about the funniest way to reveal them to you.
+You have octuplets. It rolls off your tongue and into your heart: octuplets.
+Apu, you shoulda seen your face when they showed you those babies.
+Yeah. It looked just like that.
+Apu, say hello to Poonam, Sashi, Pria, Uma, Anoop, Sandeep, Nabendu, and Mama's clear favorite, Gheet.
+How did we get eight?
+Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.
+I too, I am afraid, am guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast Squishee.
+Mm-hmm. Well, that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone else slip this woman fertility drugs?
+Mine tasted like strawberry.
+Mmm... Ovulicious.
+Would you say you and your babies have a "love-eight" relationship?
+Absolutely. Yes.
+No, say it. We need a sound bite.
+We have a "love-eight" relationship.
+Yes, Kent Brockman, Channel 6. How would you respond to people who say this kind of multiple birth is more suited to, say, a possum, than a human being?
+Who would say such a thing?
+Well... Pundits... Wags... I'm not the one on trial here.
+No one is on trial. This is a joyous occasion for all. And the outpouring of support has been so lucrative.
+Yes, we have already received lifetime supplies of baby powder and Pepsi-B.
+Free baby cola? Apu hits the jackpot, and I'm stuck with these useless one-tuplets.
+Gee, sorry for being born.
+I've been waiting so long to hear that.
+How do you feel about this avalanche of free merchandise?
+Oh, the companies are so generous. Except the Q-Tip people -- they only gave us three crates. They can rot in hell.
+But the good folks at Sony... ! Their giant TV will really help us love our babies.
+I'm here at Shelbyville Hospital where a local woman has just given birth to nine, that's right, nine babies.
+Some say eight babies is a blessing. But they don't know the joy of nine.
+Would you say you're on "Cloud Nine?"
+We're on Cloud Nine!
+Awww...
+Oh, they even have a better sound bite than us.
+Nine babies? That's barbaric.
+Nonuplets? Now that's something you don't see every day.
+Let's get this stuff to the real heroes: The Shelbyville Nine.
+Wait, that's our ottoman.
+Don't worry, my little Curry-Face. We don't need corporate handouts. Our children will live on love.
+Apu! It's four A.M. You are late for work!
+I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
+Oh no you don't. Not till they're out of college.
+Listen, I'll die when I want to.
+Thank you, steal again.
+We-ell, morning, Apu. How are the little blessings?
+Ooh, they're a ravenous swarm of locusts, just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling and two have cradle rash! How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase?
+They can be a handful... of joy.
+Shut up!
+... They'll fill your lives with...
+Just shut up!
+... can't put a price on a miracle...
+I can't believe you don't shut up.
+Ooh, look at that. Ooh, gingerbread house. Hansel and Gretel are set for life.
+You know, I saw Apu today. He's really frazzled.
+Boy, that Hansel sure can eat.
+My corneas! You were saying?
+Apu told me all eight babies have colic. Although he thinks one or two might just be going along with the crowd.
+Eight kids. Hm, I'm sterile, right baby doll?
+Yes, dear. From the nuclear plant.
+Beautiful.
+Knock, knock!
+Apu? Manjula? Marge, I've got a bad feeling about this.
+Welcome to my nightmare.
+I knew you had your hands full with the babies, so I baked you some banana bread.
+Oh hallelujah, our problems are solved. We have banana bread.
+Well, you don't have to be sarcastic.
+Oh look who's here, the family with one baby. How do you manage?
+Marge... They've turned into jerks.
+I'm very sorry, we've been rude. Can I offer you something to drink?
+Uh... no thanks.
+Apu, they're doing it again!
+Okay, break it up.
+Maybe you two should get a nanny.
+Yes, and what would I pay her with, banana bread? Sorry. Sorry. It's just we haven't slept in days and we're running out of money and... Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread. I apologize, apologize again. As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.
+No, Marge. No!
+Well, Mr. Nahasa... pasa... Ah, forget it. Listen, you look like you could use some help. Come with me.
+But you don't know who he is.
+Who cares? There's only one of him!
+What if your babies could live in a place with 'round-the-clock child care, all expenses paid, full medical, dental, tutors, the works?
+I would say that there must be some sort of horrible catch.
+The zoo?!
+What? Everybody loves my zoo. You don't love my zoo? I dare you to look at a kangaroo and not laugh. I dare you.
+Well, they're usually funnier.
+Look, I'm not going to put my babies in a zoo.
+Don't say no 'til you see the habitat.
+The habitat?
+I mean the nursery.
+Oh, my goodness!
+Not too shabby, eh? They'll have the best of care. And all I ask is that you let the local folks share a little glimpse of your blessing.
+But is it right to put such young children on display?
+Sure it is!
+Butch Patrick?!
+That's right. I was TV's Eddie Munster. And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit.
+Well, obviously. Hey, one question, Eddie.
+Eh, right, right. If your mother was a vampire and your father was a Frankenstein, how come you are a werewolf?
+Huh, I never thought of that. Doesn't make sense, does it? But what does make sense is putting your children in the hands of Mr. Kidkill here.
+Please, please... Larry. Larry Kidkill.
+I don't care what Butch Patrick says. It just doesn't seem right.
+We wouldn't be giving the babies away. We'd be moving in with them. They'll have a traditional zooish upbringing.
+Well, maybe we could try it.
+Hey, what the...
+Hey, I'm a notary. So I got that goin' too!
+Ohh, you like that, don't you, Poonam? Yeah, who's a clean baby, huh?
+Aww, now this is a happy family! You likin' this thing? How's the humidity, good? Why am I asking, I can see on the meter it's good.
+Oh, everything is perfect.
+Yeah, nothing's too good for my little angels. Up, it's almost showtime.
+Showtime?
+All right, people... If you're not in a diaper, get off my stage.
+Off! Off! Off! Off!
+I can't believe we're gonna see the octuplets.
+You already saw them.
+Yeah, but now their umbilical cords have fallen off!
+Ladies and gentlemen... Get ready for the eight wonders of the Third World! Welcome to... Octopia!
+He can't talk, but, man, can he rock! Say hello to the baddest baby in the whole damn town... Animal!
+Awww...
+How can he rebel? He doesn't even know where he is.
+Uh-oh, sounds like one of the babies has a fever!
+... Dance fever that is!
+Ohhhhh.
+Let's hear it for Dazzle!
+She's no Liza, but it works.
+And now the standup who can't even sit up... give it up for Punchline!
+He's thinkin' what we're all sayin'.
+But all the laughs in the world won't protect you from the stern discipline of... The Baron.
+Boo, Baron!
+And... the rest!
+Goodbye, Springfield! We'll be back in an hour!
+Good babies! Good, good babies! Work with Dazzle. She's a lox out there.
+How could you do this to our children?
+I know, the lighting cues were a mess. Don't worry. The guy's been fired.
+Our babies are not circus freaks! We're taking them home now!
+Hold on, Alpo. We got a contract.
+Not any more!
+Laminated! You monster!
+Terence? Christopher? Will you show these two to the exit?
+Avec plaisir!
+I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.
+The zookeeper paid you off, didn't he?
+Paid me off? What are you, crazy?
+So we'll never see our children again?
+Well, they might give Dazzle back. Ah, the buzz is she's got one more show to turn it around.
+Well, if the police won't help us, we'll simply have to take the law into our own hands.
+Yeah, yeah, a lot of people are doing that these days.
+These animals certainly act different at night.
+Oh, my little treasures. We'll get you out of this terrible place.
+She's waking up!
+Don't worry. I brought some chloroform.
+There... and... there...
+You idiot, those are Colorforms.
+Nabendu... Pria... and Sashi... Now let's go!
+Okay, this is gettin' weird.
+Oh, my precious babies! We'll never let you go.
+Oh, let's get that awful thing off!
+Okay, whatever.
+Hold it right there, scumbags!
+Please, Mr. Kidkill, look into your heart. I know these babies have a lifetime contract. But what if I put together an even better act for you? Something sensational!
+It's not just you prancin' around in a monkey suit, is it?
+Not any more!
+You got yourself a deal.
+Quiet! You're breaking character.
+Are those real cobras?
+Some are real, some are just robots filled with venom.
+Now, that is a true friend.
+You know, if he can handle that, maybe we can handle this bunch.
+We'll do our best, Chutney-Butt.
+Okay, okay... don't panic. Release the mongoose!
+Stupid mongoose! get the snake! The snake! Do I look like a snake? Ow! Ow! He bit me Show's over! Show's over! Next show is eight o'clock and ten!
+Tonight on "Guinness Book of World Records..."
+...a man who holds the current record for Least Amount Of Faces, with none!
+Help me!
+You'll also see... The World's Smelliest Tumor!
+Ew! These records used to be real accomplishments. Now they're just gross.
+Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything!
+Then, three other things!
+When we come back, we'll show you the contents of a supermodel's stomach!
+What an age we live in.
+Oh, look at all that Sweet N' Low.
+Hey, remember the fifties? Remember television, Coca-Cola, and Dick Clark?
+I remember television!
+Come join me, Wolfguy Jack, at Greaser's Cafe! Where it's 1955 every day of the year, baby!
+Actual year may vary, consult calendar for current year.
+A fifties-style restaurant.
+What a neat idea!
+Why don't we eat there tonight?!
+Nah. We'll go next month.
+Dennis the Menace?
+Yes. I was America's bad boy. I once hid my Dad's hat.
+Uh-huh.
+And another time I accidentally stepped in Mr. Wilson's flowerbed. That was a two-part episode.
+I have to go.
+California, here we come!
+It's not a real car, Grampa.
+"Allen Ginsburgers, Un-American Cheese Sandwich, Polio Dogs..."
+It's clever how the names remind you of the fifties and at the same time tell you what there is to eat.
+Wow, look at this old-timey gizmo! I feel like I've gone back in a time machine.
+Dad, they have those everywhere.
+What an age we live in.
+Oh, man. Oh, my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that anymore.
+Okay, is everybody ready for our nightly Dance Contest?
+Dancing!
+Oh, no. You're not gettin' me on that dance floor. Don't try and make me. If I have to get a divorce I will.
+Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955 Harley-Davidson motorcycle.
+That's right, never!
+Oh! I need a dance partner! What about you?
+Okay, Daddy-o.
+Hey, hey! Set your socks on "hop" and your tutti to "frutti". Here we go with "Mental House Rock" by Johnny Bobby.
+DOCTORS THREW A PARTY AT THE LOONEY BIN / YOU GOTTA BE CRAZY IF YOU WANNA GET IN / NAPOLEON IS PLAYIN' HIS IMAGINARY SAX / THE DANCE FLOOR'S FILLIN' UP WITH MANIACS / LET'S ROCK / DO THE MENTAL HOUSE ROCK / LET'S ROCK / DO THE MENTAL HOUSE ROCK / IF YOU WON'T DANCE WITH THE DOC / HE'LL GIVE YOU ELECTROSHOCK / IF YOU WON'T DANCE WITH THE DOC / HE'LL GIVE YOU ELECTROSHOCK / ZAP ZAP ZAP
+Wow, a fifties nostalgia cafe!
+Well, well, well, I've never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life. You've just won yourselves a motorcycle!
+Woo-hoo!
+It's mine. Finally, I've won the respect of my fellow... Get away from it!
+Okay hepcats, let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe, where the fifties are never goin' away!
+Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other, right honey? Honey?
+Man, you're bending the hell out of that kick-stand, Dad. Why don't you just take it for a ride?
+Promise you won't laugh?
+Yeah, I promise.
+I don't know how.
+You're kidding?
+You don't know how.
+Will you teach me?
+Of course.
+Yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the Cobras. Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang.
+A gang! That's the answer.
+Answer to what?
+"YOU SHOWED ME EVERYTHING, YOU TOOK ME BY THE HAND... / PUPPY DOGS AND LINCOLN LOGS AND CASTLES MADE OF SAND / YOU GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO SPREAD MY NEWBORN WINGS / SPREAD MAYONNAISE AND MARMALADE AND OTHER SPREADABLE THINGS / SO I GUESS YOU ARE MY HERO / AND THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW / I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR SO... / I'M GONNA SING IT SLOW / IF YOU WEREN'T A MAN AND MY FATHER TOO / I'D BUY A DIAMOND RING AND THEN I'D MARRY YOU."
+All right, class. Today we'll be sitting quietly in the dark, because teacher has a hangover.
+Oh, it's like a chainsaw in my head...
+Later, Homer.
+Sweet hog, Mr. Simpson.
+Remember to rebel against authority, kids.
+Don't listen to him, children.
+But we already did. Now I can't get it out of my head.
+Thank you, Nelson.
+The sermon today is on... John 4:13. I think it was Jesus who said that... blessed are those who... Oh, the heck with it. Church dismissed!
+Will you turn that engine off?
+Quiet, Marge. The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep.
+I know, I know. Just tune her out.
+And now back to your Tuesday Morning Movie.
+Oh, I don't know what's come over Jimmy. He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger, and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt.
+He's a rebel, I tell ya. A rebel without a cause. Just like that boy in that popular movie we saw.
+Look what you've done! You've ruined the display!
+Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge. Cruisin' and hasslin' shopkeepers.
+When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else?
+Never, pops.
+Hey, don't make me hassle you, Lisa.
+You know, if you want to be in the gang, eventually you're gonna have to get motorcycles.
+Yeah, we know.
+Hey, Homer! Can I join?
+This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not conformos.
+Yeah, that's right!
+Buzz off!
+Well, if I were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair.
+That guy just don't get it, do he?
+My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table.
+/ Bumper pool?! / You kiddin' me? You got bumper pool? / I'm there!
+The first meeting of "Hell's Satans" is called to order.
+I move we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to Hell.
+How 'bout the Devil's Pals?
+N-No... you see...
+Or the Christ Punchers.
+The Chri... I-I-I don't think you understand my objection...
+I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I've already made our club jackets.
+Ooh, machine wash warm!
+Tumble dry, ooh-la-la!
+Wait up, guys! I gotta empty my grass bag.
+Hell's Satans, huh? I'm watchin' you punks.
+Can't hassle us, pig. We're goin' the speed limit. Oink, oink, oink.
+Yeah! Oink, oink, oink!
+You'll make a mistake some day. And then you're going straight to juvie.
+You can lock us away, but you'll never defeat the Cobras.
+Cobras? I thought you were the Hell's Satans.
+Oink! Oink! Oink!
+How could I be down a thousand bucks?
+Get away from my store, you young hoodlums.
+And what if we don't, Pops?
+He's got a broom!
+Hey, let's get out of here!
+Forget the pennies! Go! Go!
+You promised me no more brooms.
+I know this is not your way, but we're in America now.
+They printed my photo of our gang!
+Carl looks great. Can't take a bad picture of that guy.
+You took a picture of me when I was asleep?
+If you'd've been awake you would have said no. You can see the bind I was in.
+"Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor. Her turn-offs include underpants, pedestrians, and justice."
+What in the world?
+We're the Hell's Satans, out of Bakersfield.
+You're the Hell's Satans? What a fun coincidence. My gang's name is also the...
+Shut up!
+You stole our club name.
+According to our bylaws, we gotta stomp you.
+Take off that jacket, man.
+Now eat it.
+All right.
+Hey, hey, chew with your mouth closed, please.
+Okay, Meathook, I think he learned his lesson.
+Oh man. Now you gotta eat that, too.
+You got anything else with our logo on it?
+Caps and frisbees, sir.
+You gotta eat them, too.
+And some pogs.
+You keep it.
+I think it's great you've chosen to "crash" here, but do you have to be so messy?
+Yeah, it's part of being a lowlife.
+Hello, police? Can you send a SWAT team to 742 Evergreen Ter...
+Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings -- looking like a pig as I do.
+But you have so much inner beauty.
+Well, uh, be that as it may, ah, the gang is wanted in eight other states and we have a little saying around here: "Let Michigan handle it".
+Stop that! If you want some food I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.
+I'd kill for some waffles.
+He has. Remember the IHOP in Oakland?
+Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the dumpsters.
+Thank you, Ramrod.
+Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean? I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out. I've tried hitting 'em. I've tried yelling at 'em...
+All it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease.
+Do you have anything that will get this emblem back on my jacket? I tried spitting at it, ya know, but...
+Just put it on my sewing pile. Okay, I'm doing another load of bandanas!
+Hey! Hey! That's a leave-in conditioner!
+You're done. Next!
+Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard. Plus, I think Rod and Todd are watching.
+No, we're not.
+Okay, bikers, that's it. Benjamin Franklin once said that house guests are like fish at... huh? They're gone! Woo hoo!
+... And those bikers saw that hard look in my eye -- you know that hard look I get sometimes? -- and they ran away like schoolgirls with their tails between their legs.
+Way to go Dad. Hey, where's the food?
+I've been better.
+And why aren't I at school?
+Yeah, someone really dropped the ball here. Marge? Marge?!
+Dad, there's a note on the back of your head.
+Really? Read it.
+Hm. "Thanks for letting us crash in your pad. We had a very nice time."
+Oh, that's sweet.
+P.S. We've taken your old lady.
+Could you at least tell me what you're planning to do with me?
+Oh, don't worry. You're completely safe. None of us finds ya sexually attractive.
+None of you? Really? I could have sworn that Ramrod...
+Hm. Well, did you see that picture of me in...
+And you still don't...
+Well, good. I guess.
+Now don't worry. I am gonna search high and low for your mother. But just in case I don't find her, I want you to contact this agency.
+"Korean Love Brides"?!
+I just don't want to be alone.
+Excuse me, has anyone seen a woman wearing...
+That's more like it. I'm looking for...
+I'll show you.
+Okay, we kinda got off on the wrong foot there. Long story short, my "old lady" was...
+Oh, goodness. Mmm, some people never learn.
+All right, Satans, we roll out at dawn.
+Where are we going?
+To the Biker's Jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it. Mickey Rourke's comin', and we're gonna jump him.
+You know, there's more to life than boozing and roughhousing.
+Haven't any of you ever had a dream?
+Yeah, I had a dream. I was in this beautiful garden, pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper then...
+No, no, I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family, and a home in the suburbs.
+Oh man, to get all that, you'd have to kill like fifty people.
+No, you don't have to kill anyone. Not if you have jobs.
+And the first step is an eye-catching resumé.
+I believe it's pronounced resumé.
+Actually, both are acceptable.
+Yeah, I did see some bikers ride by here with a blue-haired woman, 'bout ten minutes ago. Said they were gonna spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground, Section K, Space 217. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
+I guess I'll never find her.
+And when you get a job interview, try not to call your employer a "punk" or a "skank."
+Makes sense. / Oh, don't call them skanks.
+Uh, Mrs. Simpson? I killed my pencil.
+Broke! You broke your pencil.
+I "broke" him.
+That's right. And what else have we learned?
+Ooo, ooo. That, uh, violence is wrong.
+Excellent, Ramrod. Civilized people solve their disputes with words.
+Homer, stop! No, you don't understand!
+Marge! What do we do here, Marge? He's using violence.
+Talk to him. Use your words.
+Homer, Homer, stop it! We've given up our violent ways. We just want to live peacefully, with your wife.
+No! My wife is not a doobie, to be passed around. I took a sacred vow on my wedding day, to bogart her forever.
+Oh, Homie.
+Oh, I am so bored.
+There's only one reasonable way to settle this -- you and me, in the Circle of Death.
+Ohh, I just swept the Circle of Death!
+Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
+We both knew it would come to this.
+You and me, chopper to chopper.
+You know what I'm gonna do after I kill you?
+Take your wallet.
+Never! It was a gift from Newsweek!
+Give me back my wife!
+Okay, okay! You win.
+I don't blame you for wanting her back so bad. A woman like that only comes along every couple of miles.
+Hey, can we at least keep her till the orgy in San Berdoo?
+Whaddaya say, honey?
+No dice!
+Goodbye everybody!
+Bye, Mrs. Simpson. / Bye, Mrs. Simpson. / Bye Mrs. Simpson / Bye bye Mrs. S.
+We'll stop at the nearest town and mail our resumés.
+"Resumés." It still sounds weird to me.
+Why are we stopping here?
+Taking care of some unfinished business.
+Go! Go! Go!
+Our top story: The ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.
+Woo! Springfield rocks!
+Residents are advised to stay inside, unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very, hairy. Experts recommend a Class Nine or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.
+Help! Somebody!
+Let me in, for the love of...!
+Are you okay?
+I can't wait till we're teenagers. Then we'll be happy.
+Well, we could play Clam Traffic Jam... Or the game of County Seats!
+Aw, the zoning disk is warped...
+All right, Silly String!
+Look, you're Milhouse.
+Who wets their bed now, Milhouse?
+I'll be in my room.
+There's gotta be something fun in my parents' closet.
+Wanna dress up like ladies?
+Uh, wouldn't that make us kinda... fruity?
+What's the matter, scared you might like it?
+I'll show you who's scared. Oh, wow, this really hides my thighs.
+Sis-ters are doin' it for themselves!
+Hey, why is this door locked?
+Oh, no! It's Dad!
+What's going on? And I want the non-gay explanation.
+Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk!
+Oh, thank God.
+Why are you doing that?
+Oh, it's good for the batteries. Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx.
+Sorry, how long will he take to recover?
+He'll have to wear this fanny cast for quite some time.
+But don't worry, son. It fits snugly under your clothes.
+Do all these people have to watch me?
+Now, son, this is a teaching hospital, which is why I equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window.
+Uhh, little help?
+Bart, stop fooling around.
+It should be full of surprises.
+Principal Skinner, I thought public schools were required to have access ramps for the disabled.
+Technically, yes. But the building costs would be astronomical.
+Did I hear the word "astronomical"? If so, my construction outfit, Valdazzo Brothers Olive Oil, is poised to help.
+No, no, no, no. We're not building anything.
+How can you say that when construction has already begun?
+How did those trucks get here so fast?
+In order to avoid certain legal complications, the trucks are always rolling. Now, for the ground-breaking ceremony...
+Good Lord! Do we really need all those ramps?
+Who's to say? Does a peacock need all those feathers?
+Look, you're getting a little philosophical for me.
+I suppose so. They say it happens in the autumn years.
+Well, be that as it may...
+Get your hand off my car.
+This is a proud day. Now, when people ask if we're in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, "We are closer than ever before!"
+Thank you. To inaugurate our ramp system, here's the first of what I hope will be many disabled students. Bart Simpson!
+/ I'm proud of you, boy.
+What the...? Bart, where's your wheelchair?
+Don't need it anymore. Doctor says my butt-bone's stronger than ever.
+Tah dah!
+Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium.
+My God, the whole thing's made of breadsticks!
+... And paint, and shellac. It's all itemized in this bill.
+Two hundred thousand dollars! Are you mad?
+I don't get mad. I get stabby.
+Why not get three?!
+The good news is, we need no longer fear vicious mob reprisals.
+But due to lack of funds, Springfield Elementary is closed forever.
+Oh, you're cheering now, but some day you'll...
+I'm just gonna stop trying.
+How could you close the school?
+What will become of our kids?
+Where are the refreshments?
+Now, you keep asking me that. And I keep telling you, over there.
+As for the school, we are exploring various options to raise the two hundred thousand dollars we need.
+I've got a motorhome I never use. Maybe we should raffle it off.
+Maybe you should shut up.
+Well I... Okay.
+We could try sellin' liquor. I'm doin' great!
+Please, sir. Put some shoes on.
+What, you don't like my bags?
+People, these are all good ideas...
+No, they're not. They're terrible, terrible ideas.
+You're right. It's hopeless. No one has that kind of money.
+What about Mr. Burns? Maybe he'll help us out.
+Forget it. He releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door: Feed the Children, Save the Whales, even Release the Hounds.
+Uh, well, maybe we can pry open his wallet with a slick, professional pitch. A school play!
+Welcome to the world premiere of "The Nice Man Giveth."
+It's a play, sir.
+Hmmm, which one of these is the salt? Too bad I'm an idiot 'cause my school closed. Oh, well.
+No, that's the rat poison!
+Aaaaaand freeze! Now, who in Springfield will eat the poisoned broth? Whoo, it could be anyone, even Mr. Burns.
+This play really speaks to me.
+I can't take Mr. Burns to the ho'pital 'cause I'm too dumb to read a map. Oh, why did my school have to close?
+Hello, I'm Doctor Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones.
+Oops, you're dead.
+I never liked that Dr. Stupid.
+Mr. Burns, I'll be honest. We had a hidden agenda tonight.
+The holiday season is approaching and these children need a school...
+Charity, eh? Yes, I'd be more than happy to...
+Oh, it's doing that thing again.
+We now return to "Donde Esta Justice?"
+El Ford Escort que me vendio es un limón!
+No, no, no, no, no. No es un limón. Es un carro fuerte!
+Hmm. Limón -- fuerte. Limón -- fuerte. Limón. F-- Ay yi yi yi yi! Mi estómago.
+Daytime TV is muy estupido.
+Hey, our school's on TV.
+Springfield Elementary has reopened its doors!
+I'm with Jim Hope of Kid First Industries, which has generously stepped in to educate our children.
+That's right, Kent. Ya know, when public schools drop the ball, it's up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone.
+Will you be replacing the current teachers and administrators?
+Very much so, Kent. But they've already received an extremely generous severance package.
+Valencia?! These are juice oranges!
+Howdy, children. I'd like to welcome you back to school.
+You know what. I agree.
+Your old school was boring. That's why it failed, right? Well, we're not gonna make you memorize facts and dates. No, no, no. I'm gonna find out what you really love in life and teach to that.
+What are you passionate about, partner?
+Boogers.
+Boogers. That was great. You know, humor is a sign of intelligence.
+You're not mad?
+Hey, I'm here to make sure that you get a "kick" out of education.
+He's rekindled my love affair with books!
+Check it out. I'm breaking books at a sixth-grade level.
+Get 'em, boy. Hit those smart-ass books.
+Why don't you kick some books, Lisa?
+Bart broke all my books.
+You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class!
+Boy, that sounds fun.
+I know, but I'm still not gonna do it.
+Since Christmas is coming soon, I thought we could talk about our favorite toys. Milhouse, what've you got there?
+My Busy Box. It's got everything! Vroom, vroom, vroom. I'm calling Daddy.
+Good for you, not being bound by the "recommended" age.
+What are you talking about? Oh, geez.
+How 'bout the rest of you? What do you like about those toys of yours?
+They're special.
+They're challenging.
+Very good. Now, I want you all to imagine the perfect toy. What would it be like?
+It should be soft and cuddly.
+Yeah. With lots of firepower!
+Its eyes should be telescopes. No, periscopes! No, microscopes! Can you come back to me?
+It should never stop dancing.
+It should need accessories.
+Now that's market research you can take to the bank. The money bank.
+I just wish those second graders would stop jerkin' us around.
+Fun toys are fun.
+Well said, Ralph. But we're trying to come up with the name for a toy.
+Mrs. Fun?
+Not bad.
+Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down I'm giving you an "F".
+The before teacher yelled at me, too.
+No one's yelling. We're just brainstorming names... Lisa, any ideas?
+Oh, a name with "fun"? Um... Fungus, Funzo, Attila the Fun...
+Lisa, are you doing math?
+Uh, just a few Venn diagrams.
+There's more under her chair!
+Lisa in trouble. Ha! The ironing is delicious.
+The word is "irony."
+Don't you think there's something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches, and then our guest speaker was "Phil from Marketing".
+Alls I know is I'm gettin' straight "A's". And that ain't not bad.
+That's not funny... Huh?
+They're spying on us. Why would they do that?
+I see you!
+Give me a hug....
+Ah, three it is.
+This better be important, Lisa. I left Ralphie alone in the bathtub.
+Daddy, I'm ready to get out now. Over.
+This broom closet is not what it seems. It's a secret surveillance room, guarded by a tiny, evil robot.
+Uhh. Is this gonna be like one of those horror movies where we open the door and everything's normal, and we think you're crazy, but then there really is a killer robot and the next morning you find me impaled on a weather vane? Is that what this is, Lisa?
+To be fair, not all evil robots are killers.
+Listen, when you see what's inside this...
+I don't understand. I could swear it was right here.
+Yeah, right, mop top, and I'm Ed Sullivan. Really big shew. No, no, I can do it better. Really big shew. Really. That's it.
+Well, folks, that's the end of Krusty's Nondenominational Holiday Fun Fest. I wanna thank my guests Tea Leoni...
+Beck...
+The Dixie Chicks...
+Merry Christmas, y'all!
+And Patrick Ewing as the Genie.
+So have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwazy Kwanzaa, a Tip-Top Tet, and a Solemn, Dignified Ramadan.
+And now a word from my God, our sponsor.
+I see you.
+Give me a hug.
+That's the doll that attacked me!
+This Christmas, everybody wants Funzo!
+Funzo? I said that name in class.
+Funzo's soft and cuddly!
+With lots of firepower!
+Haw haw!
+Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! If you don't have Funzo, you're nothin'!
+Mom! I know what I want for Christmas.
+Thanks, Funzo. You rock!
+Bart, they lied to us. Instead of giving us an education, they tricked us into designing a toy. Aren't you outraged?
+No, but if you're gonna throw a spaz, I'll come with.
+Good. Saddle up the bikes.
+Get down. Security guard.
+Hey, it's Gary Coleman.
+But the menu said Galaxy of Prawns. Three prawns are hardly a galaxy... Whaddaya mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Kwan.
+I want to see how this turns out.
+The phone's not even plugged in!
+All right, you listen to me, Kwan... Hang on. I got another call. Yes, Mr. President. I can be in Washington right away.
+You people took advantage of trusting schoolchildren!
+How did you get past Gary Coleman?
+Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy.
+I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
+Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Ms. Naegle?!
+That is so adorable. You're rehired.
+Sucker. I knew exactly what she was talking about.
+Lisa, I know you're mad, but just for a damn minute try to see this from a product positioning standpoint.
+Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under to come up with the new Furby or Tickle-Me-Elmo? And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children, for children with all the profits going to children.
+Really?
+Yeah, well, we're all somebody's children.
+But hey, we did screw you a little. So here's a free Funzo.
+Oh, brother.
+And I want Funzo's dream fortress, Funzo's lower-back-pain chair, Funzo's European voltage converter...
+All righty!
+It's always a party with Funzo!
+I admit it's kind of cute, but it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.
+Did you see that?
+Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun!
+Hey, kids! It's...
+Hey! Why is it destroying other toys?
+They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.
+You mean like Microsoft?
+Exactly. Come on, Bart, we've got to warn everyone.
+Boycott Funzo. He's a toy-killing machine!
+That shy little imp?
+I have a flower for 'oo.
+Awwww...
+Oh, man. I've gotta get me one of those!
+Hey, I'm not waitin' till the store opens.
+Wow, only twenty-two seconds from muttering to door smash.
+That projects to a profit of three hundred and seventy million dollars.
+I'd still sleep a little easier if I saw some trampling.
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Now why would you wear cleats to a store?
+Well, I guess that's it. Come Christmas Eve, there'll be a Funzo under every tree.
+Unless...
+So, who am I beating up?
+Nobody! You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.
+Thus saving Christmas.
+Now, let's see. This will make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined... two were kind of a draw...
+Dad, Dad, you're driving on the sidewalk.
+Joy to the world / the Lord is come. / Let Earth receive her King...
+Let ev-ry...
+Season's Greetings.
+Peace out!
+Si-lent night...
+Ho-ly night...
+All is calm / All is bright / Round...
+Writhing Funzos / In my sack / Makes me happy / Makes me hurt my back...
+Just dump 'em in the fire, Dad.
+Yes. The madness ends here.
+Hah! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...
+I'm vewy mad at 'oo.
+Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since "Webster."
+Please, Mr. Coleman. We can explain.
+I'm listening.
+Your toy company is evil.
+Well, isn't it possible for an evil company to make people happy?
+Are you saying the end justifies the means?
+That's a very glib interpretation.
+Hey, don't talk to my sister that way.
+No, Bart, he's right. I did oversimplify.
+Perhaps, but let's not get bogged down in semantics.
+I think what Lisa meant to say is...
+And so, Gary Coleman and the Simpsons argued long into the night...
+And then, as day broke, the spirit of the season entered their hearts.
+Let's just agree that the commercialization of Christmas is at best a mixed blessing.
+L-U-V-V-V! KILL!
+Hey, look out!
+Well, there's something you don't see every Christmas.
+Hey, it is Christmas. We'd better get home.
+Hey, Dad... What if we...
+Um, uh... Mr. Coleman, I've been thinking... My wife always makes too much stuffing and sweet p'taters and all, and... Aw, heck! Would you like to spend Christmas with us?
+No way! I'm having Christmas at George Clooney's house.
+Gary...
+All right. I'll come.
+And Gary Coleman was as good as his word. As for old Mr. Burns, he was visited by three ghosts during the night, and agreed to fund the school with some money he found in his tuxedo pants.
+Thank you, thank you. Humbug.
+While Moe, seeing what the world would be like if he had never been born, pulled his head out of the oven...and replaced it with a plump Christmas goose.
+Here, Happy Holidays, there.
+Merry Christmas, Moe!
+Uh, listen, I kinda banged up that Jeep in the driveway.
+Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Moe?
+Whatchu talkin' 'bout, every one.
+He was sooo young.
+Aw. So sad.
+Okay, here goes...
+Cloning is a troubling issue.
+I like the ones where the mouse kills the cat.
+What's in the box, Mom?
+This box? Oh, nothing.
+Are you sure? You sound nervous.
+Well, anyone would be nervous with all the economic turmoil you read about in the...
+Get her! She's doing something!
+It's the Goodwill truck!
+She cleaned out the attic!
+Our junk!
+And the exits are sealed! Go to plan B!
+/ Push! /
+Come on!
+Go! Go!
+I'm tryin'! Stop yellin' at me!
+Oh no you don't!
+Oh, precious heirlooms! Daddy would never let them take you.
+Oh. That was scary. We came this close to losing our spare Christmas tree stand. You monster.
+Look, here's the box for my Pitchback. If I still had it, I could put it in here.
+I'll never get rid of this useless junk.
+Useless? This flash cube has two flashes left!
+You guys never use any of this stuff.
+Look at these. You bought them after the Nagano Olympics, and never skied once. If you would just stop being so impulsive, maybe...
+Hey, let's go skiing right now!
+Yeah! Let's go skiing! / Yeah, Dad. Let's go!
+Woo hoo!
+Okay, here it comes. Keep your eyes on the chair.
+Look Dad, it's the drummer from Bread!
+Where?!
+This chair lift sure goes high...
+Finally...
+Some gentle rocking will relax you, Mom.
+Stop it!
+Um... I gotta blast a dookie.
+See Mom? You conquered your fears and now you're ready to sk--
+I'm sorry!
+Hmmm... "The Widowmaker," Oh, that one's for the ladies. "Spinebuster," boring. Ooh, "Colostomizer."
+Don't hurt me! Here's my wallet.
+Hi-didly-ho, Schuss in Boots.
+Flanders!
+That suit's a little revealing, isn't it?
+Well, it allows for maximum mobility.
+Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!
+Quit it! Must wash eyes! J--
+Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said...
+If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is...
+Feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all. Nothin' at all, nothin' at all...
+Stupid sexy Flanders!
+Ow, my legs! This is the worst pain ever...
+Single.
+So hard, but so rewarding... Downhill skiers missing fun... Oh, who am I kidding?
+Wow, what a perfect scene. This was so worth it...
+Don't worry, little friends. I won't hurt you.
+Leave those deer alone!
+But they were trying to eat me!
+Ha! Those deer?
+But they...
+Come on, I'll drop you off at the lodge.
+Whoa! Fat 540!
+I'm gettin' aggro on this kicker!
+Stomp that pickle revert!
+Excellent. Your lingo is progressing nicely.
+Can I go to the bathroom?
+Ah-ah. Say it in "Snowboard."
+Snow fox at five o'clock.
+"Move it in, shove it out, disco lady..."
+Is this seat taken?
+I think that's an arm rest.
+So... Do you party?
+You mean like a hats and noisemakers kind of party?
+Sure, baby, whatever your trip is. Disco Stu wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing.
+Who's Disco Stu?
+Hey, Mom!
+Hi, pumpkins!
+"Back away, not today, disco lady..."
+Have you been in here all day?
+You missed all the fun.
+Skiing fanny-first into a crevasse isn't my idea of fun. The only risk I'm taking is running out of marshmallows!
+Oh, Mom! / Mom, are you all right? / Somebody get a doctor!
+Oh man, another clock accident.
+No wonder. Look at this.
+That oughta hold it.
+I want my wife to get the best treatment money can buy.
+Whoa-whoa-whoa! Don't go nuts.
+Uh... better than that.
+Perfect.
+Yeesh, I can't believe she went home with those guys.
+Well, as you can see, it's a compound fracture. The leg must remain motionless, otherwise a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain.
+I can't be in the hospital! Tomorrow is laundry day. And I've gotta de-meat Lisa's baloney.
+We'll be fine, honey. The main thing is for you to get better.
+And don't worry, all the laundry and dirty dishes'll be there when you get back.
+No they won't. We'll all pitch in on the housework, right guys? Guys...?
+Take that! Woo! Woo! H-Hey! Hey!
+Sweetie, it's nice that you want to take charge around the house, but don't be a hero. Just make sure your father eats all his meals over a tarp. But not the good tarp. I want you to get married on that some day!
+Oh, Mom. I've seen what you do around the house, and I can handle it. Maybe I can even make things more efficient.
+Oh, really? Well, knock yourself out. Just don't expect any miracles from those two.
+Gotcha! Gotcha! / I'll show you!
+Good Lord! You're wasting thousands of dollars worth of Interferon.
+And you're "interferon" with our good time!
+Well I'll be. That cured my canker sores.
+'Mornin'...
+Dad, where are your clothes?
+I don't know.
+Don't tell me Mom dresses you.
+I guess, or one of her friends.
+Okay, now we're gonna draw jobs from the chore hat.
+Come on, "bikini inspector!" "Scrub toilet?" Okay, that was a practice. Practice... Practice... Okay, here we go. "Feed fish."
+I'll supervise.
+You know, the reason for the hat...
+Oh, it's a great hat. No one's questioning the hat.
+Will you at least do the dishes?
+Lisa, I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat, and it's not a practice. See, there it is. But that was a practice. The system works!
+C'mon, eat, you lazy fish.
+Oh! You're gonna be late.
+Here are your lunches. And no trading your fruit for firecrackers.
+Oh, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets.
+You stay away from Lenny. And where's your sweater, Bart?
+It unraveled on a nail.
+That's not true, he left it on the bus.
+You're dead, squealer.
+Lisa, help!
+Those boys of mine.
+Mrs. Simpson! What are you doing?
+I couldn't sleep knowing that window had a smudge on it.
+You're here to rest. If you want the window cleaned, just push the call button.
+Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
+Wouldn't bother us. It just turns up your morphine.
+So it does.
+Stop pushing that.
+Mr. Sakamoto is here for your accupressure.
+Now Mrs. Simpson, just lie back and relax. Mr. Sakamoto wants you to be comfortable while he does his thing.
+Oh, I don't think I need any... Oh, wow...
+Okay, guys, dinner's ready...
+Oop, the cheese isn't quite melted. Let me just pop it back in the...
+Here you go.
+Slivered almonds for the green beans! I'll be right back.
+So, how was your day?
+Bart, you were supposed to scour the pans!
+They need to soak.
+You said that four days ago.
+Look, they're rusted through.
+It's an illusion.
+No it's not!
+I got the groceries!
+Good. Maple soda?... A cell phone full of candy?... Astronaut bread?
+It's the bread of astronauts.
+I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal.
+Dad, I gave you a list!
+Oh yeah. You were way off.
+Hello, Lollipop Island? There's a little girl here who had too many sourballs.
+Anyway, where were we? Hello? Hello? They hung up.
+Talk to me.
+Hey Mom, how's the leg?...
+Leg? Oh, oh, that. It's pretty great. How are things at home?
+Oh, couldn't be better.
+So Mom... You think you'll be getting out of there soon?
+Oh, I don't know, honey. I've got a lot of therapy left.
+I really thought I could handle this, but...
+I think so too. Bye!
+Looosy!
+Waaaaaah!
+You hit her pretty hard there, Rick.
+Say, folks, what's all the ruckus?
+John Wayne?!
+Will you guys turn that thing down?
+Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have? He hit her again.
+Stupid, inconsiderate bunch of jerks... I can't believe, after I...
+Losing your marbles, huh, kid?
+Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo Carmichael. And I think there's some more.
+What are you doing here?
+I came from Heaven to help you get revenge on these bums. Is there an ashtray around here?
+Will this do?
+Thanks, doll. Now, we need a scheme to teach those slobs a lesson...
+You mean like when you hid inside the conga drum to scare Ricky?
+Hey, stay away from the drums, that's my bit. I got it! Here's what you do...
+Wait until they fall asleep, then you sneak into their rooms, and make sure they're fast asleep because of...
+My skin! My beautiful skin!
+Lisa, help!
+What's wrong with us?!
+Ohh, I don't like the looks of this.
+You don't? 'Cause that's what I said! Tell her, Bart.
+Shut up! Shut up!
+We better check with a doctor.
+Welcome to Virtual Doctor.
+From the makers of "DragonQuest", and "Sim-Sandwich".
+Enter symptoms now!
+Let's see... Crusty sores...
+... Horrible wailing...
+Yes! Yesssss!
+Any exposure to unsanitary conditions?
+Duh! We're pigs!
+Okay, and... "diagnose".
+You've got leprosy.
+Leprosy?!
+Aahhh! Unclean! Unclean!
+Help us, Virtual Doc! Look at me! I'm on my knees!
+Good-bye.
+Excellent.
+Leprosy? I can't believe it! That fortune cookie was right.
+Why would God punish a kid? I mean, an American kid?
+Now guys, leprosy thrives in filthy conditions, so your only chance is to clean up the house. I'll get you a couple of mops.
+Mops? The cure sounds worse than the disease.
+At Sunday School they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude.
+Yeah, that sounds right.
+Well, I think we're on the outs with Him, but I know someone who's even holier than Jesus.
+Hi-didly-ho, I...
+Maude, come quick! The Simpsons are covered with cooties!
+/ Help us. / We're diseased.
+Oh no, that's leprosy! Remember those scary lepers in "Ben-Hur"?
+You saw "Ben-Hur" without me?
+We were broken up then.
+Well, that's no...
+Brains... Brains...
+Use your brains to help us. Your delicious brains.
+Oh, those poor souls. What's the Christian thing to do?
+Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! You wonderful man!
+All right, food!
+Bart! Leave some for Rod and Todd!
+Here you go, lad.
+Uh, listen, Homer, we'd love to help you, but we're not really set up for lepers.
+So you're shunning us.
+No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just thinking we could send you to a better place... you know, a place where they can really take care of you.
+Oh, thank you good sir.
+Ooh, that smarts. Boys, get the alcohol-free alcohol.
+Marge, we'll just get this cast off, and you can go home to y-- Oh, my Lord!
+Well, it has been a week.
+Code blue! A thousand CC's of leg wax, stat!
+Lazy, no-good lepers... Making me clean everything myself...
+Hey, uh, is Homer there?
+No, he isn't. I don't know where he is.
+I'm a little worried. He usually stops in for an eye-opener on the way to work.
+He told us he'd been going to the gym.
+Wow. Anyway, you don't think he could be at another bar, do you? Because I couldn't take that! I... uh... I-I just couldn't! I...
+Don't-hang-up-on-me!
+I'm home, everybody! Gee, the house looks great!
+Mom, I lost Dad and Bart.
+Lost them? What do you mean?
+I tricked them into thinking they had leprosy.
+Hansen's Disease. You know, like that horrible cream soda?
+Well, Dad and Bart ran away and no one seems to know where they went.
+Okay, okay calm down. They couldn't have gone too far.
+Molokai?!
+You mean Hawaii?
+Mm-hm. That's the one! They've got a top-notch leper colony there, so we shipped 'em right off. Ooh, cost us a bundle, too. I guess we'll have an "Imagination Christmas" this year.
+Yayyy! Imagination Christmas!
+I got a pogo stick!
+I got a Hula-Hoop!
+Whoa! This is a hospital?
+That it is. We'll take the cure, bag a few lobsters, then watch some gay guys get married.
+Ah, you must be the Simpsons.
+Howdy. And thanks for not recoiling in horror.
+Thank you for the friendly "howdy."
+Can we get a room with a view?
+Oh, you'll have a great view of the whole beach... from the electric needle room.
+Really? The whole beach?
+Yes, from the electric needle room.
+Electric needle room?!
+Glad that's not me.
+Time to turn over.
+Oh, thank God you're all right!
+Dad, Bart, I played a horrible trick on you and I'm really sorry. You don't have leprosy. It's just oatmeal.
+Yeah, we know.
+I figured it out after I ate one of my chest sores.
+Well, then let's get out of here.
+No way. We scored a free Hawaiian vacation.
+This place is a blast. All we have to do is endure two hours of blinding pain, then it's nothin' but shopping and surfing.
+Tonight we're gonna put our fake sores back on, then jump the fence at Club Med, and scare the normals.
+Well, it all sounds lovely, but...
+Come on, loosen up. This is paradise.
+Number one, report to the Dermabrasion Hut.
+That's me!
+Aloha / Aloha Until we meet a-
+Bill, bill. Oooh! Llib! Eh-- Wait a minute. Bill?!
+Huh? Springfield University Homecoming! Finally, a chance to relive my golden college years...
+Dad, you only took one course.
+Remember my love affair with Ali McGraw? She used to call me "Preppy." Then she died.
+There's a homecoming parade, a cocktail party...
+Then the big game between Springfield U. and Springfield A & M. I hate Springfield U. so much.
+You went to Springfield U. You hate A & M.
+So much.
+My old dorm room. Come on, baby, let's matriculate.
+You college boys are only interested in one thing.
+Who-oa! You're supposed to hang your necktie on the doorknob if you've got a girl in the room.
+Or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl.
+My old roommates, the nerds. Ya workin'?
+Oh my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge... Cyborgs.
+I invented a program that downloads porn off the Internet one million times faster.
+Does anybody need that much porno?
+One million times...
+... Yeah, so because of me, all the dorms now have security phones.
+And now let's give a warm alumni welcome -- uh, you know, clapping -- to Springfield U's All-American place kicker, Anton Lubchenko!
+In home country, growing up in filth, Lubchenko dreams to play U.S.A. futbol. On my father's death bed, he made me promise t--
+Long story short, go Springfield U!
+Yes. Thank you, Anton. Now folks, a seven and five football season doesn't come cheap, and this is a fund raiser.
+Seal the exits.
+Thank you, thank you. C'mon, hurry it up.
+All right now, let's empty our pockets.
+Make me.
+Professor Rocco, Chancellor Knuckles?
+Okay. All right. Okay.
+Get every dime. The Whifflesnuffs need new cummerbunds.
+We look like slobs.
+I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money.
+That dean is gonna get an indignant e-mail.
+You should do it with bold, red letters.
+My computer has 512 shades of red.
+Have you nerds forgotten everything I taught you? This calls for a prank. I see a bucket...
+Oh, this is gonna be so great.
+I think I know that guy. He ran over the dean five years ago. Punch up that picture.
+All right, now age the picture five years.
+That's him!
+Good work. Now, let's see who's having sex in the library.
+Aw, they scrambled it.
+So when Dean Peterson opens his door, this bucket of Super Glue is gonna drop right on his head...
+He-- What the?!
+Oh, real original. Who did this?
+Kappa Gamma Tau.
+Last in grades, first in pranks!
+Good evening, gentlemen.
+Oh, that's it. You're through, dean!
+Now who's the dean?
+Sorry, Dad, it just won't budge.
+I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat but your father kept eating it.
+Oh, couldn't you try a non-delicious fat? Oh, there's no such thing.
+Hmmm... I'm afraid it's hopeless. Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man.
+So he's stuck like this forever?
+Oh, now don't fret. These days, the victims of comedy traumas -- or "traumedies" -- can still lead rich, full lives.
+Sorry, but these guys crack me up.
+What guys? I wanna see the freaks.
+Okay. Hang on, Homer. Two eye holes coming up!
+Easy... easy...
+Too far.
+Homer, maybe I should drive.
+What? I can see fine.
+That had nothing to do with the bucket.
+Where are we?
+Brother Faith's Revival?
+Get ready for the healing love of Brother Faith!
+Woo! Good Lord! Oh, I feel it in my belly now, Springfield! Can you feel the power?
+Do you want to be saved?
+Now, correct me if I'm incorrect. But was I told that it's untrue that people in Springfield have no faith. Was I not misinformed?
+Ahh, I don't know. I guess so.
+The answer I'm looking for is "yes"!
+NOW LET'S HEAR IT / FOR THE HOLY SPIRIT / NO NEED TO FEAR IT / JUST REVERE IT! / HE WORKS IN HEAVEN / THAT'S TWENTY-FOUR, SEVEN / THAT'S RIGHT. CHECK THE BIBLE / JOHN: TWO-ELEVEN! / JUMP BACK!
+Wow! He dances better than Jesus Himself!
+What ails you, my son?
+I done spraint my elbie-bone so it goes in the opposity di-rection.
+The power of faith compels you! Heal!
+Take that, Satan!
+Praise the Lord!
+/ Hallelujah! / Amen!
+That was a miracle and it was gross. Cool.
+What affliction be-plagues you, my friend?
+Come again?
+He paralyzed his vocal cords cramming too many "K" sounds into a punchline.
+Oh mercy, well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for... Feel the power!
+Release this clown.
+Have you gone completely fakackta?! I-- Hey, I got my comedy K's back! King Kong cold-cocked Kato Kaelin. Hey, you Gentiles are all right!
+Wow! Is there anything he can't do?
+Cure me! Cure me!
+Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
+Yeah. And I got a bucket on my head!
+Oh, my. Satan really jammed that thing on good. I'm gonna need a holy helper, someone who believes.
+Okay, movin' on! I need someone with the power!
+This golden-haired little boy!
+Son, lay hands upon your father's burdensome bucket.
+Now proclaim -- "I have the power."
+I have the power?
+Oh, say it like you mean it, boy! I have the power!
+I have the power!
+I see the light! It burns!
+Hallelujah!
+Behold! This child has the power!
+Hallelujah!
+Uh, Miracle Boy?
+I believe I had hair. Oh, here they are.
+Aw, you two were great tonight. You didn't bite me or anything. How's that little rattle doin'?
+'Scuse me, Brother Faith. I gotta know, how did you really get the bucket off my Dad's head?
+Well I didn't, son. You did. God gave you the power.
+Really? Hm. I would think He would want to limit my power.
+Oh, yes Lord! When I was your age I was a hell raiser, too. My slingshot was my cross. But I saw the light and changed my wicked ways.
+I figure I'll go for the life of sin followed by the presto-chango deathbed repentance.
+Wow, that's a good angle. But that's not God's angle. Why not spend your life helping people instead? Then you're also covered in case of a sudden death.
+Full coverage... hmm...
+... then I said "I have the power" and the bucket came off!
+Cool! / Wow!
+Can you heal me? I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy.
+I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy.
+Devil be gone!
+My milk money!
+And my milk.
+You did it, Bart!
+He really does have the power. Go forth and spread the word! Spread it!
+Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.
+Number of miracles performed by Bart: two. Number performed by Lisa: zero.
+How can you believe all this mumbo-jumbo? The bucket came off Dad's head because the bright lights heated it, causing the metal to expand.
+"Heat makes metal expand?" Now who's talkin' mumbo-jumbo?
+I can't come up with an idea for my homecoming float. Do it for me.
+What have you got so far?
+Look at Moe dance! ALOHA MOE...
+That's nice, but maybe your Homecoming float should have something to do with college.
+Yeah, you're right.
+I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman.
+It's not to scale.
+In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul instructed them to send ten copies to the Thessalonians and the Ephesians. But the Ephesians broke the chain and were punished by...
+I got two words for this sermon:
+Am I boring you, Bart?
+Well, to be honest, yes.
+Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have.
+But church can be fun.
+No, really. It can be a crazy party, with clouds and lasers and miracles.
+And chili fries!
+A real preacher knows how to bring the Bible alive through music and dancing and Tae-Bo!
+He's kicking it old school!
+Never give them an opening.
+Three, two, one, pull!
+That exterminator tent'll be perfect for your revival meeting.
+Hm. Maybe we should air it out a little.
+Ah, ha, excuse me, neighbor...
+Ah, yeah, I, I couldn't help but notice you, you picked pretty much all of my flowers.
+Can't make a float without flowers.
+Oh-ho, true enough. But, uh, did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again?
+Okay, Springfield! How many of you are in horrible pain?!
+Then put your souls together for Brother Bart!
+Satan, eat my shorts!!
+Yeah! / Yes!
+I WAS A SINNER, A REAL BAD KID / WHAT THOU SHALT NOT, I SHALT DID / NEIGHBOR'S CAT I TRIED TO NEUTER / TOOK A WHIZ ON THE SCHOOL COMPUTER.
+HE TOOK A WHIZ... / OH YES HE DID!
+BUT NOW I'VE CHANGED / YOU CAN'T DE-NY / COME ON UP AND / TES-TI-FY!
+TES-TI-FY / TES-TI-FY! / COME ON UP AND / TES-TI-FY!
+My hip's misbehavin'!
+TES-TI-FY
+Got a nicotine cravin'!
+TES-TI-FY
+There's a cramp in my glayvin!
+TES-TI-FY
+TES-TI-FY! / TES-TI-FY!
+TES-TI-FY!
+Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle.
+Mi... Michael... row... row... roww the boat...
+Is he killing that guitar, Daddy?
+Yes, son.
+My glasses make me look like a geek!
+Now you'll get the girls you seek!
+We'll see you at Make-out Creek!
+BART'S THE BOY OF THE HOUR / HE'S GOT THE POWER!
+SO RAISE YOUR VOICE, AND DON'T BE SHY / TES-TA, TES-TA...
+TES-TI-FY!!!
+TESTIFY! TESTIFY! COME ON UP AND TES-TI-FY!
+Thank you, Bart, for fixing my vision / Now I see with total precision.
+Song's over, Milhouse. But you're welcome.
+Nice doggy!
+Milhouse!
+Bury me at Make-out Creek.
+Oh, Milhouse, this is my fault. I'm so sorry.
+That's okay. You can just heal me again, right?
+Well, I don't think I can.
+Please. This cast is real itchy, and I tried to scratch and the fork got stuck in there. And I think there was some food on the fork.
+Okay, I'll see what I can do.
+Heal. Heal...
+Oh, it always does that.
+Milhouse, I can't help you. I am no healer.
+Could you tell my mom I'm here?
+Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U. and Springfield A & M spreads like wildfever. Th-- This is writing?
+I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.
+My thesaurus... You'll lose more than that. In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional-seating-capacity fever.
+Woo hoo! Go S.U.!
+A & M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts!
+Yeah, well you went to a cow college!
+Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we was founded by a cow.
+Whoa Nelly, we have ourselves a barnburner here today! Welcome to the 117th dust-up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A & M and the Springfield University Nittany Tide. Ohhh, doctor! Break out the hickory switch!
+Okay, who needs another lamb rack?
+Lisa? Ham hock? Tri tip?
+Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
+Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness...
+Well, hang on to your hoop skirts, folks. Because Anton Lubchenko is gonna be kickin' higher than a mule on pay day.
+Ohh, Land O' Lakes! Take that, ozone layer!
+What a glorious day to be that man's foot!
+Whoa, Annie get your radar gun, 'cause that tamale was one tall drink of water!
+Wow! He should have his foot insured by Lloyds of London!
+Oh, you just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?
+Now, ladies and gentlemen, pour a little cider on those peepers, 'cause here comes the half-time parade!
+I forgot my float!
+Quick, pass me down!
+Okay, Lis. If they don't have tabouleh, what's your second choice?
+They'll have tabouleh.
+You're the miracle boy with the healin' hands, arrrren't ya?
+Nah, I don't do that anymore.
+So I guess I'll have to see someone else about my cripplin' depression. Arrr. Arr.
+Wow. And I thought he had it all.
+I HAD THE HALFTIME OF MY LIFE / AND I OWE IT ALL TO S. UUUUU.
+An overdue tribute to halftime itself!
+And as those lumbering ships of the gridiron sail off into our memories, the players return to the field.
+Wait! Hang on!
+Then, what's this?
+Wait! Wait! I got a float too! Listen up, 'cause I gotta explain a lot of it!
+Hey, look out! / Look out!
+Out of the way, Baryshnikov!
+He hit the star player!
+Uh, Dad has the worst luck when he's drinking.
+Now, does this hurt?
+Just a simple yes or no.
+Oh, I only wanted to show my school spirit.
+I wagered a large sum on the performance of that scholar-athlete.
+No, wait! I got a kid who's a miracle worker! He'll heal him up real good.
+Well he'd better, or else!
+Or else what?
+Oh, right. The ice pick.
+Bart, I need a miracle!
+Sorry, Dad. I can't just magically cure a broken leg.
+Please, Bart. You've gotta use your powers! I'm beggin' ya!
+Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread.
+Lubchenko must return to game.
+Oh, your playing days are over, my friend. But you can always fall back on your degree in... Communications? Oh, dear Lord.
+I know, is phony major. Lubchenko learn nothing. Nothing!
+Bart, do your thing!
+Okay, God. If you did give me a power, let it work now. Not just for me, but for my Dad.
+Heal... Heal... Heal...
+Oh, doctor, with S. U. behind and seconds left, my supply of homespun sayings is lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Tillie's root cellar so we'll... Ohh, jumpin' crawdaddies! Is that Lubchenko comin' back on the field?
+Bart did it! And they're gonna try for a field goal.
+A field goal? Hm... Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one... That would win the game!
+I did it! I did it!
+My leg! It broke off!
+Poor guy. He lost his leg.
+No, no, no. The fans will whoop it up with that leg tonight. You know, drink beer out of it and so on. But, uh, it'll turn up in the morning. And I'll sew it back on.
+Will that really work?
+Well, I assume so. As long as I have Bart's healing powers.
+Why won't anybody listen to me? I don't have any special powers! I am not a healer!
+Fine. More money for me.
+Hello, I'm Kent Brockman!
+And I'm teen sensation, Britney Spears!
+And I'm Kent Brockman!
+With Britney Spears!
+And we're here to present the...
+65th...
+Annual...
+Spring--
+--field...
+Pride A--
+--wards!
+Tonight, we'll be recognizing outstanding members of...
+...the...
+Springfield Community!
+This is my year, Marge. Everyone knows I'm what makes this city great.
+I don't know, there's a lot of buzz around Lenny.
+Our first Springfield Pride Award goes to a local legend.
+A man who brings laughter and joy to the children of Springfield...
+With his big red nose and baggy pants...
+Krusty the Clown!
+Hey hey!
+Wha...?!
+Who are you?
+Seat filler.
+Everyone gets an award but me.
+I can't help it if I donated the most blood. Oh, I'm feeling kinda woozy.
+Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?
+You won a Grammy.
+I mean an award that's worth winning.
+You know, Kent, in today's youth-obsessed culture, we sometimes forget that older people are still alive.
+I told ya!
+Sor-ree.
+And that's why our final award honors a man who's lived in Springfield for a hundred and eight years: our oldest resident, Cornelius Chapman.
+Cornelius Chapman built the first log cabin in Springfield and introduced the tooth brush to our fair city.
+For years he was Springfield's only basketball player, but he still managed to entertain the crowd.
+In the market crash of 1929 he helped people jump out of windows to avoid disgrace.
+You're doing the right thing... oh, oh out you go... my, you're a big one... no, no, no turning back now...
+Off a tall building. That's a great way to do it!
+And in 1935 our honoree took a bullet for Huey Long.
+And now, Springfield's oldest citizen, he is, like, totally venerable: Cornelius Chapman!
+Well, I guess we should have expected that.
+Well, this award has to go to somebody. Would everyone who is sixty or older please stand up?
+Over eighty?
+Ninety?
+One hundred years old?
+Homer, sit down.
+What's that, sonny?
+Huh... This is all so sudden...
+Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow!
+Boy, he didn't want to let go of that.
+Oh, okay... let's see... I don't have a speech prepared, but uh, abra-cadaver...
+"Thank you all so much. I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to th... ... puppies... patriotism... bluebirds..." I'm not reading this drivel. This speech is over.
+Well, that was a great night for us all.
+That's not an award, that's part of the set.
+Nothing you can say will diminish this honor.
+Now that I'm the town's oldest man, I'm starting to realize I'm not a young man anymore. I'll have to start taking better care of myself. You know, I haven't had a medicino checkup in ages.
+Sir, you deserve the finest doctors in the world. I'm taking you to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.
+Very well.
+But I'll need someone to watch my house. Who's that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?
+Homer Simpson, sir.
+Yes. The way I figure it, he's due for a good performance.
+Now if the house catches fire, I want you to call this number.
+Uh-huh. The Fire Department.
+Yes. They're new, but they're good.
+Sir, we should get going.
+Don't worry about a thing. We'll take good care of your house!
+Look at me, I'm a billionaire!
+I forgot my...
+Good Lord! This bedroom is as big as our house!
+And the bed never needs to be made. Check it out.
+Seems a little wasteful.
+Wasteful AND practical.
+A mechanical dressing dealy! Watch this, Marge.
+Now I'm ready to hit the town.
+Close that door.
+Wow, he's got every Nancy Drew! Even the controversial "Clue in the Clock." So many swears.
+I'm Al Unser Jr.!
+I'm Princess Margaret!
+I'm drunk!
+It's nothing serious, just lay off the chili and you should be fine.
+Don't you laugh, Fidel. I've been in the car with you.
+Let's see, social security number... naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents' death... Got in my way.
+Mom! Bart's making faces at me. I think.
+Look how loud I have to yell!
+This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes.
+Hmm, I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?
+Why, Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.
+Homer, watch your lang... Oooooh. That's a lifesaver.
+Man, this is livin'.
+Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians, like Bill Crosby and David Letterson.
+Oops, forgot to swirl it.
+Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
+Jimmy is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.
+But housesitting is a sacred...
+Stop swirling, Homer!
+Listen, I worked long and hard for this place. And no one's going to take it away from me. Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody.
+And another thing: If I ev...
+Operator, get me Thailand. T...i... and so on.
+Homer, who are you calling?
+Everybody. I found Burnsie's address book. I called the New York Yankees and told them to bunt, and then I called the Queen of England and asked her how it was going, and then I...
+Well, don't run up Mr. Burns' phone bill.
+Just a second, Marge. Hello! Thailand? How's everything on your end? Uh-huh. That's some language you got there. And you talk like that twenty-four seven, huh?
+Homer, you've got to stop pretending this is your house. You're not a billionaire.
+Geez, way to burst my bubble, Marge.
+All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.
+Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party.
+Party? No! No parties.
+What about partays?
+No partays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials...
+And I looked so good on that box.
+Now Doctor, I want you to test me for everything. Every disease on this chart.
+Fine. We'll start by drawing some blood.
+Well, isn't that odd. It's like poking through meringue.
+Oh, try this arm. I saw some blood in there the other day.
+Come on. Keep blowing.
+Okay, twelve centimeters. Excellent.
+I'm a big boy!
+There's your problem.
+Havin' a party, Moe. I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer.
+How 'bout Tuborg? The beer of Danish Kings.
+Mmmm, Danish.
+Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till two P.M., on accounta it's Sunday.
+Huh? If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doing here?
+Huh? Uh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky.
+When it gets to here, we can drink again.
+But I need that beer now.
+Sorry. Two P.M. Or you can steal a boat and sail out to International Waters.
+What's that, a theme park?
+No, the ocean. Once you get twelve miles out, there's no laws at all. That's where they held the Tyson/Secretariat fight.
+They were so drunk. Gentlemen, get off your knees. Your rich uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen!
+And you're invited.
+Oh no, you don't! I'm not going to let you trash Mr. Burns' yacht.
+Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I've gotta seize this opportunity. Just in case I never become a real billionaire.
+Oh, Homie, I don't care if you're a billionaire. I love you just because you're...
+Hey, there's another way to get on the boat!
+Woo hoo!
+Propellers... SPINNING! Turn... LEFT! Boat go... THERE!
+Don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll be okay.
+The boat's going sideways!
+Ships ahoy!
+Well done, Mr. Lenny. Well done.
+Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because uh, things are gettin' real ugly.
+I can't sell ya beer till we cross the line!
+Legally, you could give us free beer.
+Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?
+Hey. Sucker.
+We made it, son. International waters -- the land that law forgot.
+Wow, you can do anything out here.
+That's right. See that ship over there?
+They're rebroadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not expressed written consent! Or so the legend goes.
+Arrr, I now pronounce ya man and cow.
+Please accept these illegal fireworks with my blessing. Yarrr.
+There are no laws. We can do anything we want! Anything!
+Ow, ow! Oh, real mature, Lenny.
+Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests. You may shake my hand if you like.
+Under the circumstances, I'd rather not.
+Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
+You mean I have pneumonia?
+Juvenile diabetes?
+Hysterical pregnancy?
+A-a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered. In you.
+I see. You're sure you just haven't made thousands of mistakes?
+Uh no, no, I'm afraid not.
+Well, this sounds like bad news.
+Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance.
+I-i-i-f you have a moment, I can explain.
+Well...
+They got my bus pass. They got my bus pass!
+Whoo, they're poking every nook and cranny. Well, every cranny, anyway. So far the nook is relatively... Oh, no it isn't!
+Here's the door to your body, see. And these are oversized novelty germs. Uh, that's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle bug is pancreatic cancer. Now, here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
+Whoop, whoop whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! Move it, Chowderhead.
+We call it Three Stooges Syndrome.
+So what you're saying is... I'm indestructible.
+No, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could...
+Indestructible...
+Why are we cleaning this room? I don't think we were even in here.
+Honey, we want Mr. Burns to find this place exactly the way he left it.
+Look at those poor saps back on land. With their laws and ethics. They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
+Thrust... Parry... Stabstabstabstab. Oooh, he ain't pretty no more.
+Hey, Coast Guard! Try and stop us now, you lousy Americans!
+We can't hear you. Come 300 feet closer.
+Nice try. You're not gonna nail us!
+But we just want to party.
+Oh, really? Then play some rock music.
+C'mon, Bart. The Coast Guard is covering the Doobs!
+Who's the greatest billionaire in the world?!
+You are!
+Looks like another homosexual party boat. They always have such nice things.
+Perhaps we should pay them a visit.
+A deadly visit?
+Well, let's play it by ear.
+Pirates! Are you friendly pirates?
+Uh, not really, no.
+What have you done with my party guests?
+Third best for me.
+Set a course for Hidden Pirate Island. AKA Hong Kong.
+Aye aye, captain.
+Help, pirates!
+Navy Seals are on the way.
+Oh, bless you!
+How 'bout a tactical nuclear strike?
+Oh, that would be just... You're just yankin' my chain, aren't you?
+Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question.
+Enough! Get in the net.
+I don't wanna!
+Ah ha! Prepare to die!
+You too.
+Agh! Rope burns!
+Oooh, oooh, Charlie horse, Charlie horse!
+Agh, my mouth!
+In the net, right?
+Some party, Homer.
+Shut up, Net Face.
+Hey, you're in the net, too.
+I said shut up, Net Face!
+Aw, we're gonna die and I never tasted canteloupe.
+Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.
+And now we will cut you loose. For liability purposes it is the ocean that will kill you, not us.
+Hey, what do you know? It floats.
+That was my plan all along. Now relax and the currents will take us home.
+What about the people on the bottom?
+They're the greatest heroes of all. Hey, something's clawing at my leg. Okay, it stopped.
+It looks great. I can't believe we scrubbed that old man smell out of a hundred and thirty-seven rooms.
+Smithers, old chum, there's nothing like coming home with a clean bill of health. Oh, and sorry about your news.
+Thank you, sir.
+Do they know how many eggs it laid in your brain?
+I prefer not to know. Frankly, one is too many.
+Ugh. The foul stench of youth!
+Well, let's see. Ming vase on narrow column, not knocked down... priceless coins not used in vending machine...
+... yes, not bad.
+Uh, Mr. Burns, pirates got your yacht.
+What!? Well, I suppose some mishaps are unavoidable.
+Furious George! What have they done to your beautiful face?!
+There, there. Smithers, this monkey's going to need most of your skin.
+Ah, it's good to be home.
+I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
+Nah, it's not so bad. Here we can spit on the floor.
+Bart, stop that! Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless art work, but we have everything we need right here.
+That's right. Just because we're not rich, doesn't mean that we don't have... Oh, I can't even finish. I wanna be rich!
+Like these guys. And look at all these rich people here. Not as rich as they should be of course. But still rich. All that big money. Look at all of these. Got all this money. I have lots of money. Oh look at all the other people. Oh, look at all the people who can buy and sell me. I should send a list of these names to the IRS. I'm takin' 'em all down. Oh, look at all the rich people. Oh, look at the rich...
+Don't shush me, you rich bastards!
+THOSE STARS AND STRIPES! / THOSE CRAZY STRIPES! / LET'S END TOGEEEE-THER. YAY!
+You'll have to do a lot better than that, especially since we've just been accepted in the school band competition at the county fair!
+I'm sorry, I mean the state fair!
+Good luck gettin' a horse to eat dog food.
+I hate to be a killjoy, but do you really think we can win playing "Stars and Stripes Forever"? It's so beginner band, and we're advanced beginner band.
+This is band?
+Very well, Lisa. What rousing Sousa march would you have us play?
+Well, I thought maybe, for once, we could play a song that wasn't written by Sousa.
+You mean something just arranged by Sousa?
+No, something fresh and bold.
+Well, darling, you have lost me.
+How about something cool, like "Camptown Races."
+Hey, grandpa, the Civil War's over. How about "Little Brown Jug"? YA-HA-HA, HEE-HEE-HEE, LITTLE BROWN JUG, HOW I LOVE THEE...
+Stop with your devil music. Lisa, this is all your fault.
+Hey, the blond broad's got a point. We need something with a little ring-a-ding-ding!
+Take your arm off me.
+Ooo, this kitten's got claws.
+Okay, we'll do a different song. Who cares? They all end up sounding the same anyway.
+What a fruit fly.
+Vietnam Veteran.
+Do you have a military I.D.?
+I.D.? Man, Charlie didn't ask for I.D. when I fought at La Choy and Chun King. I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho.
+Homer, give him the fifty cents.
+Why should I? Did my country give me a parade? No, man! They spat at me and...
+Just go.
+Thanks. This closes the saddest chapter in American history.
+I can't wait to do some shopping -- Look at all these innovative products. Miracle Shears...
+Ooh, the Drain Bugger!
+That is the best version of "Living in America" I've ever heard.
+Folks, how often have you opened your morning paper, only to have the rubber band fly off and hit you right in the eye?
+Never, but it's my number one concern!
+Well, with the OmniGogs system, those worries are a thing of the past.
+I'm all right, folks! Thanks to my OmniGogs!
+A little late for Lenny.
+Who are those pleasant old men?
+It's B.T.O.! They're Canada's answer to E.L.P. Their big hit was "T.C.B." That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.
+Hello, Springfield.
+We're going to play all your old favorites
+But first we'd like to dip into our new CD...
+Takin' Care of Business!
+Don't worry, sir. We'll get to that one...
+No talking! No new crap! "Takin' Care of Business!" Now!
+YOU GET UP EVERY MORNING / TO THE ALARM CLOCK's WARNING / TAKE THE EIGHT-FIFTEEN INTO THE CITY...
+Get to the "workin' overtime" part!
+Unbelievable.
+Dumb ass.
+Workin' overtime...
+Work out!
+Play "Ain't Seen Nothing Yet!"
+We just did!
+What-everrr!
+Be sure to stick around for the battle of the elementary school bands.
+Homer, Lisa's in that.
+I stand by my disappointed groan.
+Check out Lisa. She's a sax machine! Makes me think I should've done something with my life. Oh, well.
+Just beautiful. This is what comptrolling is all about.
+Anybody got a building permit? 'Cause we nailed it!
+Way to blow, Lis!
+Well, unless there's another band, I think we have a winner. Oh wait, there is another band. From Ogdenville. Uh, please welcome... The Ogdenville Band!
+"Stars and Stripes Forever"? Oh, man. They're toast!
+Glow sticks? But visual aids are against the rules!
+Whooo, baby! Well, it's not going to be easy to pick a winner, but...
+Og-den-ville! Og-den-ville!
+...but I think one school red, white, and blue us all away!
+And the winner is Ogdenville!
+I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater.
+Well, I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award, but now I'm just going to be sick.
+I can't believe those idiot judges were impressed by glowing plastic tubes.
+Look, Lisa. It glows. Oooo.
+Let's forget about the band contest and just have fun at the State Fair.
+You mean State Un-fair.
+Yeah, right, that's what I meant, Lisa. State Un-fair.
+See, Marge? I told you they could deep-fry my shirt.
+I didn't say they couldn't. I said you shouldn't.
+Step right up and see Duncan, the Incredible Diving Horse!
+I wish people would stop telling me to step right up.
+Looks like he's ready to dive, folks!
+Another incredible performance by this water-loving wonderhorse!
+What's that, Duncan? You say you want to dive again? Well...
+Ah, this is clearly a case of animal cruelty. Ah, do you have a permit for that?
+No problem, sir. It's in my car.
+You gotta stop bein' so trusting, Chief.
+I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free, than chase after them. All right, show's over, folks. I'm afraid this horse is going to the dog food factory.
+You can't do that to Duncan. It's not his fault that his owner was a sleaze.
+Look, I just want the horse to have a good home, or be food. You want to take him, fine with me.
+Hmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?
+Excuse me. But I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences.
+Anybody care what this guy thinks?
+Tunnel!
+Oh, my. Ooh-hoo. It's going to cost us $500 a week to keep Duncan!
+But he'll bring us joy, Marge. Unlike all your silly gewgaws.
+At least you don't have to feed any of the stuff I bought at the fair. Well, except the mop.
+Marge, your pro-mop, anti-horse agenda has been clear for some time. But don't worry, I have a way for Duncan to earn his keep.
+Mmm, that's terrific, Duncan. You're ten for ten. Now, let's look in the rulebook and see if horses can play in the NFL.
+He's a diving horse. Maybe he could dive for pearls.
+Pearls, eh?
+Breakfast is served.
+Hey, Dad.
+This horse is pretty fast. Maybe we can race him.
+Racehorse, eh?
+Dear Mr. President
+What are you doing, Lisa?
+I'm writing a letter to President Clinton about that travesty of a band contest. As a fellow sax player, I'm sure he'll be outraged.
+Honey, don't get obsessed with that. Focus on the good things. Like this fire extinguisher I got at the fair.
+Really -- Hey, what are you doing?
+It's the only fire extinguisher endorsed by both Lynda Carter and George Foreman.
+I wonder what would happen if they had a baby?
+Dad, if we're gonna race Duncan, shouldn't we hire a professional trainer?
+Son, I learned everything I needed to know from "The Horse Whisperer". Step One: Seduce a lonely housewife.
+Now for the actual horse whispering.
+When the race starts, run really fast!
+Aw, c'mon, c'mon. There's got to be a winner on this floor somewhere. Bingo!
+Hey, leggo, you lousy, stinkin'...
+Whaaa?!
+You're beau-tee-ful.
+Uh-oh. This is a serious medical problem. I gotta go.
+Just once, I'd like to ride clockwise.
+Really? I thought I was the only one.
+Champion horse, coming through!
+What the...
+Good horse. Here's one taco and you'll get another when you win.
+Hey, where do you get those metal dealies for his feet?
+You mean horseshoes?
+Hey, what's with the attitude? I just want some dealies.
+You really think that horse can run a mile and a half?
+He ran all the way here.
+You can do it, Duncan. I don't care if your odds are... Five million to one!?
+Don't worry, boy. I'll love you even if you don't win.
+That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory and he won't get to come.
+Yeah, that's a great tour, but you can't see it all in one day.
+Hey, be quiet.
+And away they go!
+Go, Duncan! / Go, Number "5"! Let's go, Number "5"! / Do it for Lenny!
+It's Chock Full O' Drugs, followed closely by Stalker, with Old Levis fading fast.
+What's this? Number "5", Duncan, the horse no one expected to do anything, isn't doing anything. He hasn't even left the starting gate!
+C'mon, boy. I know you're scared, but you can do this. I believe in you!
+Would you look at this? The straggler, Duncan, has exploded out of the gate and is making a big move! He's showing more heart than any horse I've ever seen. What a shame the race is already over.
+Cheer up, son. I thought you looked damn good out there. Oh, wait. You were number "5"? Eew! You stin... Damn good.
+Duncan's really fast, Dad. He was just intimidated by those other horses.
+Well, he's not gonna be intimidated anymore. We're gonna toughen him up -- give him a new badass attitude. All those other horses will be shaking in their horse dealies.
+Hello, I'd like to speak to President Clinton, please. I wrote to him and he never wrote back... No, I don't want Al Gore!
+Lisa, you've got to learn that life isn't always fair. Try to channel your disappointment into something creative, like a sampler.
+Is that Duncan?
+Not anymore. Ladies, say hello to...
+"Furious D"?
+He's the bad boy of racing. He's got attitude and bad-itude, so show him some latitude and you'll win his gratitude. Only in America!
+Ew, you used my bracelet for a nose ring!
+Possessions are fleeting.
+Why, look at that disgraceful beast.
+Good Lord! What has become of the Sport of Kings?
+Get bent.
+Thank you, Mr. President!
+That's my third monocle this week. I simply must stop being so horrified.
+So many horses. I don't know who to vote for. Can't I just bet that all the horses will have a fun time?
+Yeah, I think you want that line.
+Ooo, he looks scary.
+Yeah, I'm shakin' in my silks. Ooo, ooo, ooo.
+Don't listen to 'em, D. Just remember, you've got a new persona. A new per-so-na.
+And away they go!
+Okay, Lisa. I've got Furious D across the board, boxed with the three and the eight, and wheeled up and down.
+Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem.
+Hey, I'm watching you...
+They're tightly bunched as they round the far turn.
+Wait a minute... Hang onto your monocles, 'cause Furious D is closing like a horse possessed!
+That's it, D. Don't let anyone push you around. Be as bad as you wanna be.
+And the winner, Furious D!
+Oh man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.
+I mean shi...
+Woo hoo! In your little faces!
+Man, I got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.
+You're quite a trainer, Mr. Simpson. Care to join us for a beer in the Jockey's Lounge?
+I've been waiting all my life to hear that.
+Hey, where'd you go?... Little man?
+What happened?!
+What is this place?!
+Welcome to the secret land of the jockeys!
+Why are you talking like that?
+These are our real voices! We only talk like this on your surface world.
+But you're respected athletes! You own car dealerships and marry beauty queens.
+All a lie. What woman would marry us? We're freaks!
+Freaks! Freaks! Freaks!
+WE ARE THE JOCKEYS, JOCKEYS ARE WE! / WE LIVE UNDERGROUND IN A FIBERGLASS TREE!
+'TWEEN EARTH AND HELL WE REIGN SUPREME!
+ON TOADSTOOL THRONES BY A CHOCOLATE STREAM!
+BUT ALL IS NOT WELL IN JOCKEY TOWN!
+YOUR RENEGADE HORSE IS MAKING US FROWN!
+What do you want me to do?
+YOUR HORSE MUST LOSE!
+MY HORSE MUST LOSE?
+NO WIN!
+NO SHOW!
+NO PLACE!
+JUST LOSE THE STINKIN' RACE!
+AND WHAT IF I REFUSE TO LOSE?
+We'll eat your brain.
+MY HORSE MUST LOSE!
+Did that really happen? Or was it just a wonderful dream?
+No dream. Lose the race, fat boy.
+Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.
+You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.
+Oh, it is, it is. But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.
+Maybe. But if Duncan wins the Derby, he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.
+Well, it is a good life, believe me... All right, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
+I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
+Welcome to the Springfield Derby -- the fifth and penultimate jewel of racing's Triple Crown.
+Good luck today, Bill.
+And away they go! Furious D takes the early lead...
+What a shameful display by these tiny hotheads. Let's try to remember the good little people, like James Madison, or Oscar winner Linda Hunt.
+Could it be? In a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey.
+Might this be the start of a terrifying Planet of the Horses? In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes. And away I go.
+Go, son! Do it for the normals!
+I can't stress enough how easy it was to win this prestigious race. And furthermore...
+Hollywood-is-leading-our-kids-down-a-moral-sewer-Gotta-go!
+You must diiieeeeee!
+Hey, need any help, Homer?
+Nah, we're cool.
+Marge, now!
+Son, go get me a trash bag.
+Let us out! / Help us! / Please!
+We'll give you gold!
+Now that you're a champion, you'll have your pick of the fillies.
+Yeah, she's the best. Ooo, can you imagine her face on her body?
+President Clinton?!
+Yeah, hi. I'm here to see Lisa Simpson.
+You read my letter?
+Much of it, yeah. And those glowsticks were wrong, very wrong. So I've personally overturned the results of that band contest. Congratulations.
+No, thank you, Lisa, for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
+That's a pretty lousy lesson.
+Hey, I'm a pretty lousy President.
+Now remember, we have to leave nature just the way we found it. Everything we pack in, we pack out.
+But what if I have to do my business?
+Use this plastic bag.
+How come bears can crap in the woods and I can't?
+Ah, we're so lucky to have this untouched piece of paradise so close to Springfield.
+They sound angry... and Africanized.
+Okay, nobody panic. There's plenty of spray for me.
+That doesn't sound like bees.
+Oh my God, it's a racetrack!
+The Bird Sanctuary -- they ruined it!
+No they didn't. They just surrounded it with something wonderful -- like a raisin covered in chocolate, or a monkey in a cowboy suit.
+See? Animals can get used to anything.
+Start your engines.
+Show us your boobs, show us your boobs.
+Better do what he says, Marge.
+Cool! Way to adapt, little guy.
+Why do jerks think everyone wants to see their stupid name?
+Sorry to break up your picnic, folks. I'm 2-time FASCAR champ Clay Babcock.
+You're on fire!
+Yeah, I have won a lot of races, but it's all thanks to my crew, really.
+Eh, ah, woo. There it is.
+Mr. Babcock, can I take a ride in your car?
+Well, my "A" car was just incinerated. But, uh, you could ride in my "B" car.
+I don't see why not.
+Bart, these are the "time trials" that determine the "pole position"...
+Shouldn't you be keeping your hands on the wheel?
+Sure, if you want to drive the "traditional" way.
+Boy, these cars are surprisingly roomy.
+Yeah, we like to bring our families along on the longer races. If I get tired, I let my wife drive. She's good.
+Get your feet off the upholstery.
+Folks, I've got some spare tickets if you'd like to stick around for the race.
+That's very sweet, but we have a full day of hiking planned.
+We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving.
+Hi-diddly-ho, pedal-to-the-metal-o-philes!
+Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool?
+Well, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear. Helmets, roll-bars, caution flags...
+I like the fresh air. And looking at the poor people in the infield.
+Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park by my parents?
+Now honey, they's my parents too.
+Gentlemen... start your engines!
+Daddy, can we move closer?
+Abso-not-ly, hot Roddy. We're up here, out of range of the crashes and the drivers' cussing.
+Move your damn butt.
+Bite me.
+C'mon! Somebody crash!
+Be patient, son. A rushed car never crashes.
+Oh, I missed one!
+Let's go! Let's go!
+The dice! The dice! The dice!
+Eight seconds! Great job, boys!
+Let's go! New tires! C'mon, c'mon!
+We're going as fast as we can, ma -- Hey, who are you?
+Oh, how rude of me. My name is...
+My bad.
+And now, here's something for the guys...
+Finally!
+...Let's hear it for Fan-Demonium!
+Hey racing fans! Who wants a free T-shirt?
+Me! Me! / Over here! / etc.
+I do! I do! Wait, no I don't.
+Hmm, a Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.
+Don't you usually laugh at everything?
+Yes. Yes, I do.
+C'mon! Right here!
+I'm okay, folks.
+I need a shirt! Gimme a shirt!
+Mommy has bosoms like that!
+Yeah, I wish.
+Neddy, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll get some hot dogs.
+No foot-longs!
+I know. They make you uncomfortable.
+Well, I guess no one else wants a T-shirt!
+That's a damn lie, and you know it! Gimme a shirt!
+You heard him, girls.
+Hey, T-shirt- T-shirt-T-shirt!
+Oooh, a bobby pin.
+Oh, my Lord. She's dead.
+It's hard to believe we're never going to see Maude again.
+No, I really mean it, though. I mean if it was you that died, I would have been on her so fast...
+And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Well, from now on I'm never gonna let you leave the room without telling you how much I love you and how truly special... this is really eating up a lot of time. Maybe just a pat on the butt. Yeah, that works.
+Now Homey, you know, Ned and the boys need us. And you know what that means.
+I know. No more being a jerk.
+That's right.
+In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catch phrases or comical accents.
+Glayvin.
+...But whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there, and we thought she always would be. My friends, life is about change -- just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor...
+Yes, thank God those days are over.
+...and the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage...
+Yeah, lots of storybooks have witches.
+Shut up, Kirk.
+And now, the good people at Fan-Demonium, as part of a generous settlement, will fire a 21-T-shirt salute.
+Finally.
+Ned, my friend, please know that the Kwik-E-Mart is there for you, twenty-four hours a day.
+Oh, thank you, Apu.
+And I'm going to give you all of Maude's frequent-Squishee points. The boys at headquarters will not like it, but I'm getting pretty sick of them and their Bombay attitude...
+Yeah, that's enough there, 'Pu. Look, Ned, I know we ain't hung out much, what with your insane fear of drinking and me being banned from the church and all, but ah... but that Maude, she was really something.
+Oh, wasn't she? Thank you, Moe. I appreciate that.
+What are you saying?
+What? Nothing. She was hot. What, you can't take a compliment?
+You monster!
+That's good, no. Let it out. That's it. Let it out. Send me to Maude. That's it. Oh, here I come, baby. Oh, yeah.
+Bart? Honey, I think you should go play with Rod and Todd.
+Oh, man. Why does everything bad have to happen to me?
+When I'm feeling low, you know what always cheers me up?
+Is it love?
+Kindness?
+Oo, tough room. Video games. Whaddaya got? "Billy Graham's Bible Blaster"?!
+Keep firing! Convert the heathens.
+Got 'im!
+No, you just winged him and made him a Unitarian!
+Look out, Bart! The gentle Baha'i!
+All right! Full Conversion! Thanks guys. This really cheered me up.
+Second coming! Reload! Reload!
+Can we play now?
+You are playing. We're a team.
+Now if there's anything, anything at all I can do to help out...
+Quit hogging Flanders. I want to comfort him.
+That's nice of you Homer, but I think I'll just go to bed.
+Then I insist on walking you home.
+Homer, this really isn't necessary...
+Those feelings are normal, Ned. They're part of the process. Watch the sprinkler.
+Hey, that's my sprinkler.
+It's natural to feel that way, but the sprinkler is gone. It's time to let go.
+I just bought that...
+I know, I know. It's never easy.
+You want anything else? Water? Chili fries? How about some white noise?
+Aw, Homer. You don't have to...
+Sleep tight, Neddie.
+What the... Oh, you want a rock fight, eh?
+No, Homer! I just need to talk.
+Okay, be right down.
+I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I can't believe my last words to Maude were "No foot-longs."
+Yep, it would've been a lot better if you'd said "I love you," or "you're special." You know, something sweet instead of that hot dog crack.
+If I'd only been a gentleman and got the hot dogs myself, she'd still be here.
+Now, now, now. Don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of t-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone preventing any possible resuscitation...
+But, uh, there's no point in playing the blame game.
+Ah, you're right. I've just got to work through the grief. There's not gonna be an easy answer.
+Easy answer, eh?
+Oh, yeah. That's it, baby, that's the money shot. Yeah, the camera loves you. Oh-ho-ho, you tease, you.
+Why are you taping Flanders, Dad?
+You'll see...
+Do you even have a job anymore?
+I think it's pretty obvious that I don't.
+Okay, I finished the gardening sequence.
+Okay, from here we star-wipe to a glamour shot of Flanders paying his bills...
+Then we star-wipe to Flanders brushing his...
+Dad, there are other wipes besides star-wipes.
+Why eat hamburger when you can have steak?
+I'm taking my name off this thing.
+So, how're you doing, Ned?
+Oh, it's been a hard couple of months, but I feel like I've turned a corner.
+Well, that's all gonna change, thanks to this tape...
+Now, the audio needs some tweaking, and there's some footage of Maggie being born that I couldn't get rid of... Anyway, enjoy.
+Single women of Springfield, your prayers have been Flanswered.
+Ned Flanswered, that is.
+Is this a dating video?
+What would you say about a man who owns his own house...
+And his own car? That's Ned Flanders.
+A man who's not afraid to cry.
+Hey, Ned.
+So that's why you maced me.
+Ned does everything with class. Whether he's punching in his ATM code...or keeping clean in the shower...
+But don't take my word for it. Listen to this testimonial.
+Oh I would date Ned in a second, if I was a woman, or gay. He looks like a cuddler, that Ned. I, I like that. I like to be held. I like to be pampered.
+So if you're tired of dating the same old losers...
+What are you doing, Homer?
+...Step up to the best. Ned Flanders, the man with the chest.
+Now, we'll just send this to the dating service, the chicks'll fall for you, and bam! The healing begins.
+Homer, you obviously went to a lot of trouble, but dating? It just feels way too soon.
+Oh-ho-ho-ho, that's great. Chicks really dig sensitivity. Did you get that, Bart?
+Got it.
+Beautiful! And star-wipe, aaaand we're out.
+Well, with triple word score, that's ninety! Ha-ha, I guess my luck is starting to even out.
+I'm just a Q without a U.
+Hello? Mailman?
+These are the women who saw your videotape and are interested. And feel free to root around in the one-nighter bin.
+The bin is spoken for.
+Are you going to call all those women?
+No, the tapes will do just fine, thank you.
+Homer, I'm having second thoughts. This feels so disloyal to Maude.
+Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in heaven?
+You think she would?
+How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors -- John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes...
+Sherlock Holmes is a character.
+He sure is!
+Okay, here goes nothin'.
+If you select me, you'll get a lot more than a Wharton MBA pulling in 200K. You'll get a woman who's poised, articulate...
+...sophisticated, confident and highly sexual. Hang on, I'm getting a fax.
+Damn, I've just been indicted. Looks like we're going to have to reschedule. How's your July?
+Well, I...
+Mine's terrible. Let's talk in August.
+Mmm. Dinner was delicious, Edna, but I can't shake the feeling that you're just using me to get Principal Skinner jealous.
+Oh, please! I don't care what Mr. Engaged-To-Be-Engaged thinks.
+Hear that, Seymour?
+Edna, this is childish.
+Fine, then hang up.
+I will hang up when he leaves.
+Well, Diane, I've sure enjoyed chatting with you about your problems with your mother.
+Did you hear that, Foofie? Sounds like somebody wuvs us. Yes it does.
+Yeah, well, maybe I'll call you again.
+Ooo, Foofie doesn't like the sound of that "maybe." 'Cause him's a commitment dog. Isn't him?
+So how'd you do tonight, Romeo?
+Well, I just can't relate to the women of today, Homer. Ah, it's probably me. I'm about as exciting as a baked potato.
+You're darn right you are! And you've got lots of other great qualities, too.
+That's right, Ned. Those floozies we married in Vegas were crazy about you.
+What floozies? What are you talking...
+Marge, we're trying to help Ned.
+Lord, I never question you... but I've been wondering if your decision to take Maude was, well, wrong... Unless this is part of your divine plan... Could you just give me some kinda sign? Anything? And after all that church chocolate I bought. Which, by the way, was gritty and had that white stuff on it. Well, I've had it.
+Daddy, get up. You'll be late for church.
+Eh, you boys can go with the Simpsons. I'm not going to church today.
+That's right. And I may not go to church tomorrow.
+No, I'm not kidding. I am gonna sit right here and miss church. You just watch.
+Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry...
+While our organist is on a much-needed vacation, we thought we'd try something new. So get down and put your knees together for the Christian rock stylings of "Kovenant"!
+Hey, isn't that the bass player from "Satanica"?
+I think it is!
+Electric guitars in church? Oh, my gosh. Some dropouts must have overpowered the Reverend!
+This is a love song, about a dude I met in a sleazy motel...
+...A dude named God.
+Ohhhhh.
+IN A MOTEL ROOM IN DELACROIX I WAS DRINKIN' LIKE A DARTMOUTH BOY AND THINKIN' BOUT THE WRONG TURNS THAT I'D TOOK WELL I WOKE UP ON THE PUKE-GREEN FLOOR, AND OPENED UP A DRESSER DRAWER, A-LOOKIN' FOR A BOTTLE, BUT INSTEAD I FOUND A BOOK.
+She's talking about the Bible.
+So? She's good-looking. Shut up.
+You shut up.
+A BOOK ABOUT A MAN A BOOK ABOUT THE DUDE WHO LIVES ABOVE A BOOK ABOUT A MAN WHO DRIVES A PICKUP FULL OF SWEET, SWEET LOVE.
+NOW IF YOU THINK HE DOESN'T CARE OR MAYBE THAT HE ISN'T THERE IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO SEE HOW WRONG YOU ARE
+SO WHEN YOUR SOUL HAS GONE ASTRAY JUST LET GOD BE YOUR TRIPLE-A HE'LL TOW YOU TO SALVATION AND HE'LL OVERHAUL YOUR HEART
+Glad you made it, Ned.
+I knew he would.
+I'll be right back, boys. I'm going to go help that lady.
+Homer, you help too.
+I toileth not on ye Sabbath, woman! A pox on thee.
+Uh, that was a lovely song. It really got to me.
+Been through some rough times yourself?
+I-I recently lost my wife.
+I'm real sorry to hear that. We just lost our drummer to a Pentecostal ska band. I know it's not the same, but...
+No, I hear what you're saying. It's always hard to replace someone.
+Yeah. My name's Rachel Jordan. If you feel like talking, maybe we could grab a coffee.
+Well, that, that sounds real nice, Rachel, but a... I'm a... I'm not quite...
+I understand. Listen, we're heading out on tour with the Monsters of Christian Rock. Maybe when we get back, you and I could get together.
+Maybe we can. My name's Ned Flanders, and I'm here every week. Rain or shine.
+IT'S A SHOW ABOUT NED ABOUT HIM LOSING HIS SWEET WIFE SHE LANDED ON HER HEAD BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO GET ON WITH HIS LIFE.
+You're watching PBS.
+You're watching PBS?!
+Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sit-com.
+"Do Shut Up"?
+It's about a hard-drinking, yet loving family of soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.
+Cheeky.
+Jolly sodding X-mas, Major. Choke on it!
+Ohhhh, Crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last year!
+Not in my parlor, you don't!
+Me eyes! / Oh, I'm scalded, I am!
+The Mother's the voice of reason.
+Here come the cricket bats.
+You don't have the cobbles!
+Classic. Not hard to see why it's England's longest-running series. And today, we're showing all seven episodes.
+Hey, what the hell's going on?!
+If you like great PBS programs like "Do Shut Up," and "Shut Yer Gob," you'll want to support our pledge drive.
+Pledge drive?
+That's right, Betty White.
+Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you are a thief! A common thief.
+Okay, take it easy, Betty.
+Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad! You know who you are. Thieves!
+You're mad? Where's my show!?
+And now, it's time to go back to "Do Shut Up."
+Finally.
+But first --
+... with your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag.
+Or this umbrella, featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.
+And the next twenty callers will get this album of Museum Noises. Now your music room can sound just like... the Metropolitan Museum in New York --
+Outstanding.
+Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man.
+You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to "phone it in". Well, now it's your turn to phone it in -- your pledge, that is. Please, please, we're only ten thousand dollars away from returning to our show.
+Well, why didn't you say so?
+Yes, I'd like to pledge ten thousand dollars to get them to shut up. From... anonymous.
+Done and done.
+Dad, you don't have ten thousand dollars.
+Eh, how're they gonna find me?
+Folks, we just reached our goal of ten thousand, seven hundred dollars. And it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name.
+But, thanks to Insta-trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson, of 742 Evergreen Terrace.
+Oh, why did I register with Insta-trace?
+Our pledge-enforcement van will be at his house in moments.
+Uh-oh. You've gotta help me, Bart.
+That's it, boy! Go get help!
+Okay Homer, don't panic. Let me do the talking.
+Here he is, folks! The man who saved PBS... Homer Simpson!
+Mom, Dad's on PBS!
+They don't show police chases, do they?
+Umm... It's an honor to give ten thousand dollars, especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming has made public television so very, very unnecessary.
+From now on, one of us always stays home.
+Agreed.
+Well said, Homer. And now, for the moment of generosity...
+Will cash be okay?
+Absolutely.
+Well, then we've got a problem. The banks are closed by now.
+It's 12:15.
+Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours, but we in Springfield are simple folk. We like our cars fast, and our banks closed. Okay, fine, we'll go down there. But they're not going to be open.
+Yeah, it's a real ghost town in there.
+Get in there.
+I'd like to withdraw ten thousand dollars, please.
+"You are on television. Please play along." Are you robbing me?
+I'll pay you later.
+Um... Is there a problem, Mr. Simpson?
+Uh, why, no. Uh... Everything is just...
+I can't do it. I can't kill a man!
+You don't have the money, do you Homer?
+And you thought you could stab your problems away?
+Mm-hmm.
+Silly goose. Why didn't you say so? Get 'im, boys.
+The Hooligans!
+Bash 'is eyes out!
+It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!
+You die now!
+Sanctuary!
+Sanctuary!
+Oh, why did I teach him that word?
+Quick! You've got to hide me from PBS! Their bloodthirsty pursuit is made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group!
+Give us the money!
+Ellmeaux knows where you live.
+Please help me! I'll do anything! I'll light a candle! I'll help with your next charity scam!
+The word is "drive."
+Sure, sure, Bob's your uncle. Let's just get outta here!
+Nothing to see here, people. Just headed down to the dump with these children's letters to God.
+We'll send you someplace safe till the heat dies down.
+Great, but why am I on a plane?
+Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific?
+South Pacific?! I didn't agree to...
+Wha -- Wait! I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus! Let me out!
+Sorry, no can do.
+Oh, save me Jebus!
+Little piece there... Mmm.
+So, you said on the phone you had something to tell me?
+Mmm? Oh, yes. Your husband's in Microatia.
+Microatia? That's twelve thousand miles away.
+Uh-huh. He needed to get away for a while. I suggested missionary work, and he jumped at the idea.
+Missionary work?
+He's dead, isn't he?
+No, no. You can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio.
+Jebus, where are you?! Homer to Jebus!
+Hmm... This doesn't look so bad.
+Aww. Hi there, little fella.
+Welcome aboard, brother!
+You must be Homer! I'm Craig, that's Amy. Well, see ya.
+You're leaving? Wait, what do I do here?
+First of all, forget everything you learned in missionary school.
+We taught them some English, and ridiculed away most of their beliefs.
+So you can take it from there. Bye.
+Don't let the bed bugs bite. Seriously.
+Me Homer. Me hiding from PBS.
+I am Qtoktok, and this is Ak.
+Welcome, Reverend Homer. We look forward to learning about the Bible from you.
+Here you go. Knock yourself out.
+We can not read.
+Does the word "jet-lag" mean anything to you people? "Jet-laggg".
+Are you enjoying your ox testicle?
+Oh, yes. Very much so.
+Really? You sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious.
+No, I'm good.
+Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in all the geographical magazines?
+Craig and Amy gave us the gift of shame. All the naked women are on that island.
+Yeah, anything goes over there. Bouncy, bouncy.
+What was that?
+Oh, we call that . Sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that "earthquake."
+Great. Now my testicle's got ants on it.
+Thanks, sweetheart. Have a Bible. My name's Homer. What's yours?
+I am Oovilu-eeoo-kitana-wanjay.
+I'm gonna call you Lisa Junior. So, what do you do for fun around here?
+Craig and Amy were digging a well.
+Craig and Amy were also building a chapel.
+Craig and Amy, Craig and Amy. Why don't you just marry Craig and Amy?
+I told you we should have asked them.
+So, how's the TV reception here? Excellent, or...?
+You don't have TV? But what will I watch while I'm sitting on the couch?
+Cou-ouch?
+No couches either? Oh, man. I need a beer.
+Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
+Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God!
+Nothin'.
+Here we go. Ee-yeah.
+Homer? Homer?
+Hello? Is there anybody in there?
+Homer, are you all right?
+I guess so, but that first month was pretty rough.
+You've only been gone two days.
+Really? Without TV, it's hard to know when one day begins and the other ends.
+I miss you, Dad. Mom won't let me read "Hagar the Horrible."
+I just don't think it's funny!
+Mmm, I can see the house is falling apart without me, so here's the new order: Bart, you're the man of the house. Lisa -- I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie's now the brainy girl. The toaster can fill in for Maggie. And Marge, you're a consultant.
+Yes, boy?
+I just want to tell you how proud I am that you're showing an interest in your fellow man.
+Really? You're proud of me?
+Oh, yes. The whole town thinks you're a real humanitarian. Ned Flanders is green with envy.
+Oh, really? Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got some civilization to spread like butter on the English muffin that is these people, with all their little nooks and crannies...
+Dad, are you licking toads?
+Well, I'm not not licking toads... Well, it's time to get to work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out.
+Gather 'round, everyone! I'm going to teach you about religion.
+Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
+Please, please, that's not necessary. I'm just God's messenger.
+And lo, what a wondrous message it is:
+Like this, from the Book of P-salms: "God will shatter the heads of his enemies, the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways. That you may bathe your feet in blood." As true today as it was when it was written.
+Now, let's open it up to some Q & A.
+Yes, Lisa Junior?
+Amy said there are lots of religions. Which is the right one?
+Well, not the Unitarians. If that's the one true faith, I'll eat my hat.
+Um, if the Lord is all powerful, why does he care whether we worship him or not? Ak just saying...
+Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbra Streisand, before James Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock.
+Oh, who am I kidding? The truth is, I'm no missionary. I work in a nuclear power plant.
+Ooh, tell us all you know about nuclear power.
+Look, the point is, I want to help, but you don't need a well, or a chapel, or an immunization center. What you need's a little razzle dazzle. Qtoktok, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
+I am Ak.
+Hey, that's great. Now let's get to work!
+Now, if "The Flintstones" has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.
+Come on little friend, make a wisecrack. You know, "it's a living," that sort of thing.
+Oopsie.
+Hiya, Homer.
+That's not Homer.
+It's gotta be. He's parking in Homer's space.
+Well, time to get to work.
+Simpson!
+I've just reviewed your ten-year performance record and it's appalling.
+But I'm not Homer Simpson...
+I think I know who Homer Simpson is. In ten short years you've caused seventeen meltdowns! One is too many!
+Yeah, but...
+You sold weapons-grade plutonium to the Iraqis! With no mark-up!
+And worst of all, you took the "Hamburglar's" birthday off last Monday and Wednesday! Which is it? Now, my voice is giving out, so I'm just going to poke you for the next hour or so.
+Friends -- when I came here one month ago, this seemed like a strange and frightening place. But now I've learned to love this island as my second...
+A plane! Stop! Get me off this stinking rock!
+Anyhoo, I'm about to share with you a modern-day miracle. Something that has revitalized cities from East St. Louis to Biloxi, Mississippi. The magic medicine of... casino gambling!
+"The Lucky Savage"?
+It could be you!
+Check it out. There's Island Blackjack, Island Craps, Island Texas Hold 'em... But if, like me, you're mesmerized by pretty colors and spinning things, you'll prefer roulette. Four sand dollars on number six, please.
+So, how you doin'? Stayin' out of trouble?
+Yes, sir.
+Number six.
+Woo hoo!
+Now, over here I've brewed up my favorite beverage: beer. It's mostly Dristan and holy water, but it does the job.
+Ooga booga.
+So have fun everybody. And who knows? Maybe you'll hit the jackpot, get off this island, and spend the rest of your days in a tropical paradise.
+Homer, I'm so impressed. Everything you're doing sounds so rewarding.
+Oh, you should've seen their faces, honey. Now I know how Bob Stupak feels.
+Is everybody happyyyyy?
+Oh, my God.
+How can ace be one and eleven? Huh? What kind of God would allow that?
+Oh, what happened?! I gave you a glittering Vegas, and you turned it into a skanky Atlantic City!
+Your alcohol and inexpensive buffets have corrupted us. I don't even like macaroni salad, but look at me!
+Please help us. Our island has not been this damaged since the A-bomb tests.
+Guess who I saw at the supermarket today!
+Can it wait? I just got off work!
+I'm sorry, honey. I just thought you...
+Don't you do enough yakkin' at the beauty parlor?
+That's it, Bart. You're taking this man-of-the-house thing too far.
+You're right, I'm sorry. Tell you what: Saturday night we'll go out for steaks, just you and me.
+Hmm. A night out is a night out.
+Why are you building chapel?
+Because you're all terrible sinners.
+Since when?
+Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to Hell.
+Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say, we built a pretty nice cage for Him.
+These are from the children. Thanks to you, all of us finally have a place to pray.
+And I'm in a gambling program... for real this time.
+How many times must we go to church to avoid Hell?
+Every Sunday for the rest of our lives.
+No, really.
+Not bad, Lisa Junior. But God's palace is way up on the moon...so if we want Him to hear us, we've gotta crank up the volume.
+Do you hear me, Lord?! Homer's doing your work! I'm the greatest missionary of all time! Of all time!
+Oh, no! This looks like the end!
+Oh, that Homer. Always getting into trouble. And if you're one of the millions who enjoys his adventures, or should I say, "misadventures," it's time to show your support.
+Sure, Fox makes a fortune from advertising, but it's still not enough.
+Not nearly enough!
+So, if you don't want to see crude, lowbrow programming disappear from the airwaves...Please call now.
+'Ello, Murdoch 'ere... Ten thousand dollars?! You've saved my network!
+Wouldn't be the first time.
+Fire! Fire!
+Oh, no!
+What do I save?!
+Trophies! Trophies! Attendance!
+Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic!
+Get in! Move it! This is not a drill!
+Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for Duff Days.
+You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?
+I know. I'm a character. Now a little beer music to get in the mood.
+Looking for these? Dee-dee-dee.
+Drink Duff responsibly. Drink Duff responsibly.
+Now, which one of you is our designated driver?
+Twist off, dammit!
+I guess I'll be driving.
+Right this way to the Duff Designated Drivers Rockin' Fun Zone.
+Rockin' Fun Zone? That sounds funnn...
+I don't see the need for razor wire.
+Oooh, there's Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth Ben Franklin...
+Early to bed and early to rise -- 
+You think, you think you're better than me? Huh?
+Okay kids, who wants to see what it's like to get drunk?
+Now you're charming!
+You don't know me.
+This guy here... this is the guy.
+All right, Springfield! Belly up for the Duff Beer-tender of the Year contest.
+Now, fresh from his appearance before the House Subcommittee on Teenage Alcoholism -- Duffman!
+Are you ready for some Duff Love?
+All right! Today, we're gonna find out which of these bartenders has the right stuff to dispense Duff.
+From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare International Airport -- Michael Finn!
+From "Juggernauts" in Hollywood, California -- Titania!
+And now the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug -- oh yeah! -- Give it up for Moe Szyslak!
+Hello, Springfield! Howya --
+Okay, our first event qualifies for course credit at Dartmouth College -- trick pouring!
+Go Moe! Boo everyone else!
+I think we know who wins this round.
+Titania!
+Duff beer is brewed from hops, barley and sparkling, clear, mountain... what?
+Close enough!
+Ahhh, you can really taste the goat.
+Now our final round, which counts for ninety-eight per cent of the total score, making the previous rounds a complete waste.
+Don't forget, today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff Calendar.
+All right, guys. One, two, three.
+Moo?! Lenny, you were supposed to be "E".
+See what happens when you skip rehearsal?
+All right, bartenders, toss your drunks.
+And stay out!
+Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk.
+Duffman says a lot of things. Oh yeah!
+And the winner, Moe Szyslak!
+Aw, that's great. Thank you, thanks a lot. Ah, I just wanna say that it was an honor for me to compete with the Mick and the uh, the chick with the rack, there.
+Yeah! All right, Moe!
+That's my Moo!
+And now to take your official calendar portrait, Duff's Vice President in charge of Calendars and Fake IDs, Phil Angelides.
+That's a mug you don't wanna chug.
+Knock it off, Larry. We can't put this face on our calendar.
+When I get home there are gonna be a lot of open pickle jars.
+That one.
+Kids, would you like a balloon?
+Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwipop. Actually, I would like a wowwipop.
+Hey, Moe, if you're tired of bein' an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery?
+Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwipop, I want a wowwipop.
+Aw, Maggie wants a balloon and daddy will take a hand stamp so he can get back in.
+Just kidding. Remember my face.
+Oh, boy!
+Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture!
+Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
+Hey Moe, this license expired in 1973, and... and it's only good in Rhode Island, and it's signed by you.
+Yeah, yeah, I've been meanin' to get that updated, uh, for this state, and real. Now let's see the poster boy for the new Moe-lennium.
+They put a sticker over my face!
+Hey... Viva la... Kiss... What...
+Ah, for the love of Jeff!
+Am I really that ugly?
+Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat?
+Oh my God! It's worse than I thought.
+See, this is why I don't talk much.
+I can't believe they put those stickers over my face. I must be the ugliest man alive.
+Oh, Moe. There's lots of people uglier than you. Like, you ever been to White Castle?
+Ho, boy -- Pigtown U.S.A.!
+Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What, with the cauliflower ear there, and the lizard lips...
+The little rat eyes...
+Caveman brow...
+Don't forget that fish snout.
+Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
+Or listen to.
+Or be with.
+C'mon, Moe. Don't feel bad. There's too much emphasis on looks these days. That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight.
+Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.
+Plastic surgery, huh?... Ah, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
+I-I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad on the inside.
+But I'd look good on the outside, right?
+Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
+Plastic surgery it is!
+Carl Carlson, you just saved my life! Hey, get out of there!
+Look at her. Must be great to be a baby and be so easily amused.
+Yeah, wish I could be entertained by two cents worth of rubber, shaped like some colorful animal, dancing and twirling, dancing and twirling...
+Hey, gimme that! / That's mine!
+The door!
+Oh, no!
+Okay, don't panic! I'll get the bikes.
+I hope they're hover-bikes.
+Oh, man. That would be so awesome!
+It's hopeless, ain't it?
+No, no, no, I love a challenge. First, we must install buttocks.
+Nah, nah, nah, no luxury items. Just the face.
+Okay, I'm gonna move this up... this wider... I'm gonna lose that... I've never even seen one of these...
+Can the medical mumbo-jumbo. Can you fix me or not?
+Well, we'll see. You know, most faces need a little remodeling, but this is a total tear-down. Let me clean up this mess I made.
+Hey, hey, hey! That really burns there!
+Oh, stop it. You're worse than Faye Dunaway.
+We've got to get closer!
+I'm trying! Can't I get on your shoulders?
+I'm not ridin' a girls bike. Hey, it's gettin' away! Step on it! Ya! Ya!
+Stop kicking me!
+Hooboy, what a mug.
+Yeah, you should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?
+I'm awake here.
+This isn't anesthetic. It's new-car smell.
+Oh, sorry, Doctor.
+Hoo... SILVER BELLS... SILVER BELLS...
+It's going into that building.
+Nice suit, Jeeves!
+Daddy, I'm stealing, I'm stealing!
+Oh, that's my little dude.
+We need a symbol. Something that says we're gay and Republicans.
+A little on the nose, don't you think?
+Excuse me. We just came to get our balloon.
+Here you go. And have a bumper sticker.
+Thank you. "A gay president in 2084"?
+We're realistic.
+Hurry, hurry up! I have to pee!
+Beautiful.
+Okay, now do Moe.
+Well, Moe, now we see if you go on my wall of fame or my blooper reel.
+What? I'm a monster, right? I knew it. I guess I'll just crawl back to live in the sewer, periodically emerging to sue you.
+Is that me?
+Oopsie, we've got some leakage. Let me just cauterize that for you.
+Bye, Moe!
+Don't be a stranger, handsome.
+Bye bye!
+Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome. Me. It's like I've gone to heaven... Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?
+Yeah, but just for a minute. It's a funny story; I'll tell you sometime.
+So this is all real?
+Oh, you dear, dear man. You're one of us beautiful people now. And your new life begins today.
+A new life. A second chance... for revenge.
+That brown patch needs a little H-2-0. Oh, yeah!
+Hey, Duffman. Let's see how you like a sticker on your face!
+Duffman can't breathe. Oh, no! Oh!
+Yeah, hello yourself. I'm Moe Szyslak. Back in high school, I asked you to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance, and you turned me down. Well, I just wanted to show you the face that you coulda been kissin'.
+Oh, I was just a stupid kid back then. And I feel terrible about hurting you. Will you accept my apology?
+Apology? Uh, geez, I wasn't expecting that... uh...
+Man, that felt great.
+Okay, last stop. Channel 6.
+You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers.
+Na, na, na. This is personal.
+It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow on the hit soap, "It Never Ends."
+Angela, I'm afraid I...
+Thank-you-next!
+What were you thinking?
+Well, you said you wanted "gritty." In other words, "ugly."
+I wanted Maryanne-on-Gilligan's-Island ugly, not Cornelius-on-the-Planet-of-the-Apes ugly. TV ugly, not ugly ugly.
+I'd been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.
+But I've been Dr. Tad Winslow for twenty-five years. It's time I got a raise!
+Oh, shut up, you windy old hack.
+And another thing -- You have to stop calling me that.
+Remember me? Twenty-five years ago you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow!
+I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon. You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.
+Really? You mean it?
+But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows! That's going to... Ohhh...
+I've been waiting all my life for this moment.
+Homer, whoa, whoa, Homer. Change of plans.
+Whatever.
+Like the cleaning of a house... "It Never Ends."
+With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge... Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide... and as Dr. Tad Winslow...Moe Szyslak.
+I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr. Tad Winslow.
+Well, I'm gonna keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk.
+Cleo, Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never work. I'm a doctor, and you're a 5,000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.
+But I love you, Tad. And together we can burn all the cities of the earth.
+It's against hospital regulations, dammit! And Clive Dancer's just waitin' for me to slip up.
+So, Lenny, how are things workin' out with you and that girl next door?
+Eh, it's over. She got a windowshade.
+Whoa, whoa, if you must grope me, ladies, please, a little softer. Okay, now harder.
+Hey, there are women in our bar!
+Hey, Moe. Beer me!
+Ah, I'm a little busy, Homer. Ah, you can pour it yourself.
+Hmm. This isn't nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem.
+I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club.
+You don't love me. The only thing you love is your ear, nose and throat pavilion.
+I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes. But the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.
+That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.
+Yeah, hey, I gotta gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching. And I... the feeling is indescribable.
+I know what you mean. Our dog had that.
+Excuse me?
+I've got a delivery here for the producers.
+"Top Secret Story Lines?!" Uh, I'll sign for it.
+Eh, might as well have a little peek...
+Hmm. Looks like my character gets back together with that evil Contessa.
+The one with the amulet?
+Precisely. Then I get in a skydiving accident and have to be rushed to the... graveyard?! They're killing off Dr. Tad Winslow!
+What? Let me see that! "Interior Coroner's Office. Close-up on Dr. Winslow's mangled corpse. Coroner: 'Let's get that brain out and weighed, and call it a day.'" Yep, that does sound kinda bad.
+Well, if they're gonna stomp on my dreams, the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes.
+I never used to trust you, Contessa, but now you seem so nice.
+Why don't we celebrate your newfound trust in me, by taking a skydiving lesson?
+Well, how could I say no to such a captivating...
+Ding-dong!
+Whoa, it's the door.
+Dr. Winslooooow...
+Why, who are you?
+I am an angel from the future.
+What the fudge? Should I cut him off?
+No. Let's see where this is going.
+And what do you have to tell us, oh, Angel of the Future?
+You're going to die in a skydiving accident.
+How tragic. Tell me more.
+Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists. With sexy results.
+Ooh, that's unexpected. What else?
+Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team. With sexy results.
+What's Dad doing on the show?
+Who cares? He's dishin' out the dirt.
+...and only then do we find out that Professor Gallaway's half-sister is plotting to take over International Perfume and Wine.
+He just gave away a year's worth of story lines! Cut him off... nnnnnnow.
+What the hell are you doing?
+Stickin' it to you for killin' off my character!
+You idiot! Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream!
+Pink pages always mean a dream.
+I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
+No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
+I see. So, ah, what time tomorrow?
+Escort these men out. Nnnnnnow.
+Get ya hands off me. Get off! I don't need your stinkin' show, anyway. With a mug like this, I can get on any soap in Springfield.
+Oh! Oh, my face! I'm not supposed to put weight on it!
+What? What?
+I'm sorry about your face, Moe.
+Nah, it's just as well. That handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance. I had to wash it, rub it with neat's-foot oil... You did me a favor, Homer. And to think I was about to sell the bar to Hooters...
+Yeah, you were...
+Well, I guess that wraps it up. Hey, there's one thing I don't get, though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face that was different? Heh. Don't make no...
+How much farther to the campground?
+Let's see... Judging from the bug build-up, we're gettin' close.
+I'm not sure mosquito season is the best time to visit Larva Lake...
+Folks, you're gonna want to turn around. The bugs are firmly in charge.
+Please, just go! They've taken the Visitors' Center! They, they ate the comment book!
+All right! Geez...
+Hey, hey, my class ring! Ah --
+Oh, thanks a lot.
+Hey, an Indian casino!
+God bless Native America.
+Let's go, Marge. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
+Homer, you know I had a gambling problem.
+Well, what better place to celebrate your recovery than amidst the frenzied excitement of the casino floor? Lisa?
+Ah, something troubles me about Indian gaming. On the one hand, the revenue helps the tribes...
+Sure we can't talk you into it?
+No minors.
+Yeah, but I really wanna...
+Sorry, son. Although they seem strange to us, we must respect the ways of the Indian.
+HI-HOW-ARE-YA, HI-HOW-ARE-YA, HI-HOW-ARE-YA, HI-HOW-ARE-YA.
+I gotta get in that casino.
+The Great Gabbo demands a free night in the Presidential Suite while performing.
+We'll give you a free pass to the pasta bar.
+The Great Gabbo accepts your terms.
+Quiet, Gabbo.
+I'd like to introduce you to my little wooden friend. He's in his box, pining away.
+Say hello to...
+Gabbo! You've become a real boy!
+All right! Time for some underage gambling. So long, sucker!
+Your linen service has broken many promises to us. Laundry bill soar like eagle!
+So, you like to sneak into casinos?
+I wasn't gonna gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
+Listen to me. Unless you change your deceitful ways, I foresee a life of bitterness and failure for you... Bart Simpson.
+How'd you know my name?
+Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs. You're listed as collateral.
+Oh. I thought maybe you were some kind of Indian mystic who could tell the future.
+Who says I'm not?
+If you want to see your future, throw a treasured personal item into the fire.
+Not a firecracker!
+Hey, I bought it from a guy on your reservation.
+That's crazy talk.
+No, it's true.
+No, I know. That's my brother, Crazy Talk. We're all a little worried about him. Now, look into the flame.
+Look ahead thirty years... to the man you will become.
+Ew, that's me in the future?
+Quiet, you're about to say something.
+Check, check. Hello, Capital City!
+Way to make a guitar, Sears.
+Hey, Bart!
+Any clean towels?
+Nah. Use this.
+I'm sick of havin' to dry myself with a newspaper.
+You could at least do some laundry. I pay the rent.
+Dude, you know I'm good for it. I'll have plenty of money when my lawsuit pays off.
+You mean the spider bite at Disneyland?
+Or the incident with the over-salted fries...
+Hologram for Bart Simpson.
+Hey, dingus, your band can play at my club tonight.
+But I can only pay you in popcorn shrimp. Smell ya later.
+I can't believe "smell ya later" replaced "goodbye."
+Smell ya later.
+Smell ya later.
+All right! We've got our first gig!
+But you traded your amplifier for a boogie board.
+No prob. I'll just mooch some green off my folks.
+Should we take the hoverbus, or the non-hoverbus?
+Nonhover.
+Bleh. This virtual fudge tastes like crap.
+Not half as good as cyberfudge.
+Yo, it's me.
+Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in!
+Don't you mean present?
+Right, right, present. Anyway, can I get you some Soylent Green?
+Isn't that made of people?
+Oh, here we go.
+Hey, Dad. My band finally got a break. I just need a little moolah to get my amp outta hock. How about a little loanski?
+Oh, I'm tired of giving you money. Why can't you be more like Lisa?
+I am so sick of hearing about Lisa. Just because she's doing a little better than me...
+She's President of the United States.
+President-Elect. I could've been President, but I'm too real. People can't deal with what I'm layin' down. They're just like, "Whoa, dude, you can't say that." And I'm like, "Watch me."
+We're not giving you money.
+But I want some.
+You should've thought of that before you dropped out of the DeVry Institute.
+What happened to you, man? You used to be cool.
+I'm still cool.
+Nah, you've changed, man.
+Well, I do have this robotic prostate, but you can't see it. Oh, you can.
+Flanders is a soft touch. He'll give us the money for sure.
+Jesus, is that you?
+Mr. Flanders, you're blind-a-ded!
+Ah yeah, I never shoulda had that trendy laser surgery. It was great at first, but you know, at the ten-year mark, your eyes fall out.
+Listen, dude...
+Oh, hi Bart. How much this time?
+Dude, you got me all wrong...
+Yeah. Just answer me this: Are you holding your mooching sack?
+My little one.
+Bart, you're never gonna to grow up if I keep bailing you out.
+Then please, help me help myself.
+Oh, all right. But only because you haven't outed Rod and Todd.
+Hey, y'all ready to party?
+Now, we'd like to play a Jimmy Buffet song, but he un-coolly charges people to cover them. So here's a Cap'n Bart original. WASTED ONCE MORE IN DAQUIRITAVILLE...
+Rip-off!
+Get off the stage!
+We need more power! The shield won't hold much longer.
+Oh, no. I've got half a beer in there! And "Bewitched" is on!
+Now we've got no home, no money, and our band's going nowhere. And it's all your fault. Smell ya later, Bart. Smell you later forever.
+He's right. I'm a loser. There's only one way out of this mess.
+From around the globe, to your frontal lobe, this is BrainVision News. Tonight's winning lotto number: 4-4-6.
+Damn! I was so close! I had 3-2-7.
+In other news, President-Elect Lisa Simpson moves into the White House tomorrow. The seventeen-bedroom home features free long-distance, laundry service, and three food-kitchens.
+Well, I'm the President's no-good brother. "Moochie-moochie."
+Lisa's the President? I'm a pathetic loser? I gotta be honest: I'm not loving this vision.
+The fire has more wisdom to impart to you. In three... two...
+Fifteen-ninety-six...
+Fifteen-ninety-eight...
+Sixteen hundred. Sweet...
+Excellent question. Yes, I am proud to be America's first straight female President. Helen?
+Wasn't I wearing a hat?
+Yes. Yes you were. Now, in conclusion, my administration will focus on the three R's: Reading, 'Riting and Refilling the ocean. Thank you very much.
+As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Secretary Van Houten?
+We're broke.
+The country is broke? How can that be?
+Well, remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children? Big mistake.
+The Balanced Breakfast Program just created a generation of ultra-strong super-criminals.
+And Midnight Basketball taught them to function without sleep.
+What about my pledge to build the world's largest bookmobile? Isn't there any money left for that?
+No. And we've borrowed from every country in the world.
+Quick, Lisa! Call off your...
+Ow! Watch the ponytail!
+Let him up, please.
+What are you doing here?
+I knew you'd need some help keepin' it real, so I figured I could be, like, your co-President.
+Co-President? Are you crazy?
+Mo-om, Lisa won't share.
+Be nice to your brother, Lisa.
+Don't you think we should wait for Lisa? She is the President.
+She knows what time dinner is.
+Sorry I'm late. I've been racking my brain, trying to think of something to cut from the budget.
+Hey, where's Maggie?
+Here she is. And look how big she's gotten.
+Aww, just like her mommy, Maggie Senior. So, what did everyone do today?
+Appointed a Supreme Court Justice.
+"Bewitched" marathon.
+Searched for Lincoln's gold.
+Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't hide any gold in the White House.
+Then what is his ghost protecting?
+Hey, that's my helicopter!
+Yeah, I sent it to pick up Ralph. No one was using it.
+I fell out two times!
+Bart, you do not send a billion-dollar helicopter to pick up your drinking buddy.
+You've changed, Lisa. You used to be cool.
+No, I didn't.
+I am proud to honor the players of the Negro Leagues of Rollerball. And as we strive for the desegregation of all deathsports, we cannot help but be inspired by...
+Hey, you guys owe me a frisbee. A new one.
+Bart, get out of here!
+Relax, Lis. You'll live longer.
+I can't relax! Being president is hard work. Maybe you should try doing something with your life.
+I'm gonna!
+Yeah. Did you even call about that messenger job?
+Yeah, but they said I wouldn't get my first check for two weeks! Meanwhile, they're making major interest on my salary. Hey, maybe I can sue 'em.
+... four score and four... four score and five... four score and six... four score and seven paces.
+Wait! How do you know this is where Lincoln buried the gold? You just started counting from an arbitrary place.
+I started what from a what?
+Your plan makes no sense.
+Gold bars discovered by Marge? Zero. Gold bars discovered by Homer? Well, let's just see...
+Oops, sorry, honey.
+Gold bars discovered by Homer?
+Shut up.
+If I'm gonna bail the country out... I'll have to raise taxes. But in my speech, I'd like to avoid calling it a "Painful Emergency Tax."
+What about "Colossal Salary Grab"?
+See, that has the same problem. We need to soften the blow.
+Well, if you just want to out-and-out lie... O-kay... We could call it a "Temporary Refund Adjustment."
+I love it!
+Really? What else do you love, Lisa?
+Fiscal solvency.
+Oh Yeah, me too.
+Thirty seconds, Madam President.
+Hey, Lis. I need a favor.
+Not now, Bart. I'm about to speak to a hundred million people. This speech could make or break my presidency.
+I hear ya. All I want you to do is play my demo tape in the background while you're yakkin' about whatever.
+Now, this "PLAY" button's a little screwed up, so you gotta hold it down.
+Are you insane?
+What? You told me I should do something with my life.
+Five seconds!
+My fellow Americans, and voting illegal aliens: I will not mince words. Your country needs you. That's why today I am proposing a Temporary Refund Adjustment.
+Refund? Hey, sounds good to me.
+Sure beats a tax!
+We love you, President Simpson.
+The months ahead will be long and arduous. But it is only through arduousity th...
+IF YOU LIKE REFUND ADJUSTMENTS / AND THE MUSIC I PLAY / SEND A CHECK TO MY FRIEND RALPH / AND HE'LL MAIL YOU A TAPE...
+Uh, this is my brother Bart, who doesn't seem to realize this isn't the best time for his music. He's one of the people I want to help with my programs.
+Hey Lis, my music is going to make it a lot easier for America to swallow your big tax hike.
+Tax hike?! Hold the phone, Mabel!
+You know, I never trusted her.
+Don't blame me. I voted for Chastity Bono.
+DAYLIGHT COME AND YOU WANT-A MY TAPE.
+TAPE! HE SAY TA-APE-O.
+POST OFFICE BOX 3-0-4-5-2...
+Goodnight, America.
+And we're out...
+Why you little...
+Help! Secret Service!
+At Camp David? Sure. They couldn't keep pants on Kissinger.
+According to polls, Americans have emphatically said "smell ya later" to President Simpson's "refund adjustment". And that's the news. We'll smell you again at eleven.
+Thanks a lot, Bart. All right, how can we pay off our foreign debt?
+I'm afraid it looks pretty grim. We're going to have to give them the amber waves of grain, the purple mountains' majesty, and the shores of Tripoli.
+We don't own the shores of Tripoli.
+Shh. By the time they find out, we'll have taken our cyanide pills.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why don't we just invite our creditor nations here, and gently remind them of America's past generosity?
+Ooh, but Bart could screw everything up...
+You want him... eliminated?
+No, just keep him out of my hair.
+Out of your hair with extreme severity?
+C'mon. Every President gets three secret murders. If you don't use them by the end of the term, they're gone.
+All right, which one of you suits ran over my moped? I just put a dollar's worth of gas in that thing.
+Bart, we're having a meeting.
+You had a meeting this morning.
+I have a lot of meetings. I'm the President.
+Of what? The United States of Dorksylvania?
+Don't leave me hangin', Greenspan.
+You know something, Bart? You're right. My lack of coolness is really holding America back.
+Thank you. Down low.
+Too slow!
+You're too much, Bart. That's why I'm appointing you "Secretary Of Keeping It Real."
+Wow. You're really asking for my help?
+Absolutely. I want you and your pals to go away to Camp David and write up a report on coolness.
+Well, if my country needs me... Can we skinny-dip?
+Settle down. I invited you guys here to help me with this report. Any ideas?
+Let's start off with a joke. I got one! Give me that.
+What's the difference between Pakistan and a pancake? I don't know any pancakes that were nuked by India. What? Too soon?
+Come on, people. We've got to buckle down here. When we're finished, we can go through Bill Clinton's porno stash...
+Lisa's counting on me for this coolness report.
+Coolness report? Ha, you been had, boy.
+Billy Carter's ghost?!
+Damn straight. And I'm here to tell ya, you been sent on a wild goose chase.
+You mean Lisa wanted to get rid of me?
+Well, that's a big ten-four. When my brother Jimmy was making peace in the Middle East, he sent me to belly-flop academy.
+I guess I am an embarrassment.
+You sure are. Hey, there's an embarrassment to riches at the Caesar's Pow-wow Indian Casino. You can bet on it!
+You put an ad in my vision?
+Yeah, Crazy Talk came up with that. He got idea from Dances With Focus Groups.
+Marge, I did it! I found Lincoln's gold!
+"Dear Countryman: You have come in search of my gold, and I will not disappoint you."
+Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...
+"My gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving American.,my gold is in the heart of every freedom-loving american,10
+69808,243,293,"Homer Simpson: Ah
+It's in our mighty rivers, our majestic..." Well, isn't that clever? It's a metaphor.
+That lying , rail-splitting , theater-going freak!
+Pay your debt! / We'll sue them all! / We demand remittance!
+Please, calm down. We can work something out.
+No, I'm not!
+We Germans are not a war-like people, but even we have limits.
+Right! Let's bash her noggin'!
+You guys should relax. You'll live longer.
+Bart, you're supposed to be at Camp David.
+You're meeting with debt collectors and you don't want my help? Do you know how crazy that is?
+Guys, the thing is, we totally have the money. And we tried to wire it to you, but you know how banks screw up.
+I do not understand.
+We tried to call you all day Saturday...
+We were there Saturday.
+Dude, I know. And I left a message with some guy named Hans.
+He might have been a temp. Very surly.
+We have had a lot of turnover.
+You pay now! Now!
+What happened to you, China? You used to be cool.
+Hey, China is still cool. You pay later! Later!
+Solid. The rest of you, go on home and look in your mailboxes. 'Cause I totally remember sending checks out.
+Thanks Bart, you bought us some time. What can I do to thank you?
+Legalize it.
+Legalize what? Oh, oh. Consider it done.
+Tasty. That calls for some tuneskis.
+Oh, great. Anyone have a paper clip?
+Uh, it gets kinda hazy after that.
+Why did a vision of my future include a story about Homer and Lincoln's gold?
+I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin. Anyway, the point is, you still have the power to change your future.
+I'll do my best.
+You're a good kid. Here's a coupon for some crab claws.
+Hey, this is expired!
+There you are. Come on, we have to go. Dad pushed a waitress. And Mom lost twenty thousand dollars.
+You're not gonna believe it, Lis! This cool Indian guy showed me our future!
+Really? Anything good?
+I'll say! I've got my own band! And a Moped.
+What about me?
+Eh, some government job.
+Ah, trash night. In France, they call it "La Nuit Des Poubelles." In Germany, it's "Crappenfest."
+I can't believe it only comes fifty-two times a year.
+Quit gabbin' and start grabbin'. And remember, the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice.
+See? A new pacifier for Maggie.
+Looky here -- cardy-board tubes!
+Now we can have indoor plumbing, just like they's got at the women's lock-up.
+They spoilt you, Brandine. Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore.
+Looks like Milhouse's mom finally threw out his "blanky."
+He'll pay a lot to get this back.
+Especially when we send it to him piece by piece.
+Shh, quiet.
+It seems I will never sell these "She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks" comics. Worst cross-over ever.
+Shoo, nerds, shoo!
+Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find.
+Dad, that's a sports bra.
+All I know is, I'm finally getting the support I need.
+Look, Dad. Barber hair.
+Ooo, Italian.
+Hey, Vinnie, how's about a pizza? I got-a no job.
+Gee, is that what I look like when I'm drunk?
+Mama mia. Look what the Hawaiian restaurant threw out!
+Get outta my dreams and into my car.
+I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy. Good Lord - that's gas!
+Behold, I am King Talkie-Tiki!
+Hey Flanders? Can your God do that?
+Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same God, so...
+Irregardless, I am your God now!
+Homer, you can't just reroute the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?
+Do not anger Talkie-Tiki! I am all-power--
+I'll be at Moe's.
+...so I says to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence... of bein' a jerk."
+Hey, Barney. What's with the glum face? You glum or somethin'? Huh, Glummy?
+You know, it was my birthday last week, and no one remembered.
+What are you, nuts?
+I threw you a party at my house.
+You lie. Why would I not remember my own birthday?
+But we did have a shindig for ya, Barn. We even videotaped it. Look.
+Oh, that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh, yeah. Work the slot. Show me the package.
+Whoa, tha... that, that's a project I'm working on. Sorry.
+Okay, Mom. We're rolling.
+I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion. "Now that you're one year older, the time flew by so fast..."
+Gimme that!
+I'm just saying that when we die, there's going to be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier...
+Mr. Gumbel, you're upsetting me.
+You wish. That's the stage we call "Professor Barney" -- talkative, coherent, even insightful. Here's drunk.
+Well, I'm off to market...
+Marge, you're making a complete fool of yourse... Oh, it's just Barney.
+Precious alcohol! Soaking into shag.
+How embarrassing. But how did this happen?
+Oh, that. You've had that for a while.
+Yeah, I can't really picture you without it.
+Oh, I'm a disgrace.
+Disgracefully hilarious! You passed out before we could even give you your presents.
+I still got mine. Barney, I got you what no drunk can do without: Morning-After Stationery.
+And I got ya helicopter flying lessons. Can you imagine this boozebag at the wheel of a whirlybird?
+He'd be all "Look at me! I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!"
+Ah, anyway, Happy B-day, punkin.
+So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me?
+Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tanking up.
+Hey, hey, where ya goin'?
+I'll show you. I'm gonna take these helicopter lessons.
+Wait a minute, Barney. You gotta be sober to fly. I mean, it's not like drivin' a car.
+Then I'm gonna quit drinking.
+No, I mean it.
+You won't see me here again. Ever.
+Wait, that ain't funny. He's my best customer.
+Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar's gonna have to go queer.
+You mean it's not?
+Wrong again, "Gay Guide to Springfield
+Farewell, my long-necked friends.
+All right, world. Get ready to meet the clean and sober Barney Gumbel.
+Gimme a beer!
+I knew you'd be back.
+Santeria, you're the greatest!
+Barney, didn't you say you were gonna stop drinking?
+I know, but it's so hard. Please help me, Homer.
+You came to the right guy. I'll straighten ya out... right after I finish this beer.
+Ah, man that's sweet. Okay, let's go.
+My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic.
+I feel for you, pally. But, uh, you want A.A. -- this is triple A.
+Oh. My name is Homer and I'm planning a trip to St. Louis.
+East St. Louis?
+Is there any other St. Louis?
+Ah, welcome back, Homer. I see you've finally hit rock bottom.
+Not a chance. I can sink way lower. I just came to help my friend Barney.
+We all know why we're here, don't we? To keep ourselves sober -- and to network. So, let's get started.
+Well, after I lost my third job in two days, ol' Gil was in a pit of despair.
+And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic...
+Oh, no. I never touch the stuff. But you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway.
+Now this is used crankcase oil, which you ladies know is murder to clean up, ya know. And company's coming!
+Aw, you're doin' this at the worst possible time. Ahh, your finger's in my eye...
+I have a problem with alcohol and I need help.
+Well, your recovery begins today. And we promise you all the sugar cookies and second-hand smoke you can handle.
+The sugar cookies you speak of. Are they real or symbolic?
+They're on that table over there.
+I don't wanna walk that far. Anything that takes twelve steps isn't worth doing. Get it? Huh? Twelve? Steps.
+Hey? How did I get out here?
+Hurt everyone.
+Did Gaga just say "hurt everyone"?
+Gaga. Cute name.
+The Springfield phone book needs a new cover!
+It does?
+Send us your snapshots, and if we select yours, you win a fabulous mystery prize.
+To enter, send your film to this address. Too quick? Try again. Did you get it? Here it is! Coming in from the left! Don't delay - do it today!
+You think we should enter?
+Well, it shouldn't be too hard to beat the old photo.
+It's gotta be here somewhere.
+Hey, here's a camera.
+And it's still got a roll of film in it.
+Man, these old cameras are really built solid.
+Bart, we need that to win the contest.
+Win the what now?
+Here goes.
+So, he's so busy worrying about the front rotor, he walks right into the back one! Only in this business.
+I'd like to sign up for helicopter lessons.
+Sorry pal, but it takes a special kind of man to pilot these birds.
+I've got a coupon.
+Okay, get in.
+Elvis played a chopper pilot one time. He made so many darn mistakes, we were just laughin' at him.
+Great singer, though.
+That picture's a cliché .
+Oh, absolutely. You know who else I like is that, uh, Leo Sayer. Anyway, we're nice and level now. How'd you like to take the controls?
+You think I'm ready?
+Sure I do. One sec... Testing black box, one, two... She's all yours, friend.
+Whoa, whoa, ah, ah.
+Hey, I think I'm gettin' it!
+Yes, that's great. Now, let's just pull ourselves out of this tailspin here.
+Ooh, oh, I'm sorry 'bout that.
+It's okay. That's what the diapers are for.
+Now, when the mama bird returns to feed her babies, we'll have a prize-winning picture.
+Lisa, people these days don't want to see a baby bird. They want to see celebrities at their worst.
+Is that Rainier Wolfcastle?
+Check out the gut!
+Hey, Homer. Ah, no, no, no, don't sit there. Take this seat, right next to the tap.
+But that's Barney's seat. Are you tryin' to make me the new Barney?
+Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk.
+Yeah, someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging.
+Well, forget it, guys. I am not Barney!
+See, Homer? It's not so bad. Now dance, rummy!
+Okay...
+You danced for hours just because they told you to?
+If I didn't, I'd lose their respect.
+Check it out, Homer! I'm flying this thing!
+Get it away from the house!
+Wanna go for a ride?
+Can I, Marge? Can I?
+Yes, go! Just go!
+So you missed some big changes at Moe's. He hangs newspapers over the urinals now. You can read the sports page while you pee. Very la-di-da.
+I've made some big changes, too. Can you believe I'm flying this helicopter?
+Power lines! Power lines!
+Whoops, sorry. When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's...
+Wasted? What about our staring contests? And the way we always knew what football coaches should've done? Remember the day we jumped that Census guy and stole his clicker?
+Those are all priceless memories, Homer, but I don't want to do that stuff anymore.
+Oh, so you're better than me, is that it?
+I didn't say that.
+Take me home.
+Oh, don't be that way, Homer.
+I'll scream.
+Okay, okay!
+So how was your ride with Barney?
+I don't wanna talk about it!
+Stupid Barney, thinks he's too good for me.
+Cheer up, Homie. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years.
+But you've got me. Who have I got?
+Well, you still have Lenny and Carl.
+Lenny and Carl suck. Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost them as friends...
+Well, if Barney's that important to you, you've gotta work it out. Old friends stick together, like O.J. and A.C., or the Falcon and the Snowman.
+Oh, why can't I have a nickname?
+Okay, that's it... looks good... Oh, Bart, the bulldog didn't ante!
+Okay, on three. One... two...
+Perfect. Phone book cover, here I come. Haw haw!
+Hey! No fair! We'll never get a good picture.
+Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head?
+Picture?
+Hey, Apu. You got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little "spring cleaning."
+They are in the safety cabinet. I'll get the key.
+Oh, hello Homer.
+Barney.
+Beer, huh?
+That's right.
+That I will.
+Then we agree.
+You keep thinkin' that.
+I will.
+Me too.
+Good day, then.
+Good day, then is right.
+Hey! You did not pay for that beer!
+Boy, you can see everything from Mount Springfield. The Squidport, the old monorail...
+The Play-Doh Factory...
+Crescent-moon! Crescent-moon!
+C'mon, Springfield. Sparkle for me, baby. That's it...
+Heads up.
+Ow! Bart, that's hot!
+I said heads up.
+Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you, and focus on how you suck, but not me. To me, you're true blue.
+Aw, thanks big guy.
+Now dance, rummy!
+Hiya, Moe.
+Well, if it isn't Little Miss "I'm not wasting my life anymore." Which he is.
+Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last twenty years.
+Aw, that's okay, Barn.
+No, it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table... which I then befouled.
+Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
+This is a Channel Six news bulletin.
+Fire has broken out on Mount Springfield, trapping two youngsters and their camera.
+Oh, no! That's Bart and Lisa!
+Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze, as they are all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap." I caught up with Burt on the set.
+So, Burt, tell us a little about "Fireball and Mudflap."
+Well, I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court Justice who's searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage.
+Barney, you gotta fly us up there and save my kids!
+I can't. I've never flown solo!
+Barney...
+The call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?
+Where are you going? The fire's that way!
+I know, I know! I haven't learned right turns yet.
+Look out!
+I can't do this! My nerves are shot!
+Beer. That's what I need.
+Barney, no! Don't!
+Yes! I need it!
+No! You've gotta be sober for this. Gimme that!
+Ugh, it's warm.
+You can't drink 'em all.
+Oh, yes I can!
+Gimme that!
+I won't let you give up now, when you've worked so hard to be the greatest pal in the world. I love you. Let's not lose touch after graduation.
+You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me.
+Stay away from my wife!
+Looks like it's up to me.
+Say hello, Captain Jack!
+We should be safe up here. I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.
+Hi, kids!
+Hang on! I'll throw you a ladder!
+Get off! Get off!
+Dad, help!
+All right, I'm comin'.
+Let me know if you're gonna do that again, Homer.
+You did it, Dad!
+You can't prove I did it.
+No, you saved our lives.
+I could do a lotta things if I had some money.
+Now, there's a picture.
+Kids, the new phone books are here. And your picture's on the cover!
+All right! / Cool! / Lemme see!
+Isn't it adorable? I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film.
+We'll be the laughingstock of the whole town!
+Well, at least we won the bike.
+Actually, I took the picture, so I gave my prize to the orphanage.
+What? / How could you?
+Just kidding. I would never do that.
+Well, I'm glad we're friends again.
+Yeah. So what do you call this stuff?
+A double tall mocha latte.
+It's not bad.
+Well, it ain't beer, but at least I got that monkey off my back.
+Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody!
+Here's the mail, Dad. That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery.
+...And three makes three.
+This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia.
+It'll be real soon enough.
+Ooh, my first issue of "Self-Test Monthly." Finally I get to find out what makes me tick.
+I'm betting it's hunger and rage.
+Yeah, but in what ratio?
+Are you a good driver?
+"Yes." "Are you a good lover?" "Yes." Oh, I'm doin' great!
+Dad, those are just the names of the quizzes. You're supposed to open the magazine.
+My way is easier.
+Why don't you be the quizmaster and ask other people the questions?
+Quizmaster, yes... That would entertain me briefly.
+Okay, Flanders, your love quiz score is 61. That makes you a "Frigid Frieda." I took off thirty points for all that crying you did.
+Well, it was a little insensitive giving me a sex test, seeing that my wife just passed away.
+No way. When?
+Six months ago. You were at the funeral. You fell into the grave.
+Oh, yeah. I saw a gopher. What a day!
+Okay. "Last question: Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?"
+Oh! The little rat-faced one.
+No, no, no, Nick. He's so good to his mother.
+According to this you're both idiots.
+Hey, thanks. What do we owe ya?
+Okay. "There's a black widow at your door, a rattlesnake at the window, and a scorpion on the phone. Do you A) None of the below, B)..."
+Homie, for God's sakes, it's two a.m.
+Fine. I'll take the next quiz. "How Long Will You Live?"
+"In an average week, how many braised ribs do you eat?" Marge, do you think that counts honey-braised?
+I don't know. I'm trying to sleep.
+Okay, non-smoker... add eight years. So according to this I'll live to be... 42! Oh, that's horrible! I won't even live to see my children die!
+Now what's wrong?
+I've only got three more years to live!
+Well, maybe you added it wrong. Let me add it...
+See?! And these quizzes are never wrong, Marge. They're put together by the finest scientists in the magazine business.
+Oh, honey, don't panic. If you just made a few lifestyle changes...
+Can't sleep. Gonna die. Can't sleep. Gonna die.
+We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans. Now before you did "The Godfather," there was "Love Story." Tell us about that.
+Ah, Love Story. The little picture that could. Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? You'd better believe they weren't. But once that tear-jerker hit John Q. Popcorn, it was boffo boo-hoo box office all the way.
+And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said...
+I'm going to kill you, Homer. You are so dead.
+Now "Chinatown" was a classic. But you had problems with the sequel, "The Two Jakes"...
+Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chili. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule number one: Kill Homer Simpson."
+Hey, what's all the screaming?
+Some of us have grammar school in the morning, you know.
+Maybe you should see a doctor, Homie. A head doctor.
+I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy. Aren't you, TV?
+The crisis? Charlie Bluhdorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne. And six drafts later, I had myself a party.
+You see? Gibberish. All gibberish.
+Aww. He can crawl up through my toilet any day.
+So, tell me, are all you government inspectors so handsome and strapping?
+Well, we've got a Soloflex down at H.Q. Anyway, everything looks great, Mr. Burns. I can't find a single violation or employee acting strangely.
+You gotta hide me. Death is after me! And I don't entirely trust these cowboys.
+Is this man an employee?
+Of course not. He's just a harmless maniac, here to remind us of the precious gift of sanity. B... Oh, God! What's he doing?
+A mother can't die. And I'm a mother. See?
+You hate your father, don't you?
+Sometimes. But the guy I really hate is your father.
+I shouldn't have brought that up. I was just venting. Anyhoo, I think your fear of death is causing your insomnia, which is provoking your erratic behavior.
+Why isn't my baby gaining weight?
+Because it's made of plastic.
+I see...
+What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
+Florida? But that's America's wang.
+They prefer "The Sunshine State."
+Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!
+Mom! Lisa's growing!
+Quiet, you two! You know your father's had a breakdown.
+My pockets hurt.
+Okay honey, we're almost to Palm Corners. There'll be nothing to do but lie on the beach and relax.
+Spring Break! Spring Break! Spring Break!
+Oh, no! We came during Spring Break!
+Take 'em off the glass! Take 'em off the glass!
+This looks like a terrible place to relax. We're gonna get you to a--
+Par-ty!
+This is terrible. The whole point of coming down here was for you to get some rest.
+Show us your boobs!
+Not now.
+Well, enjoy your sightseeing. I promise I won't leave this bed.
+I trust you, honey.
+Sweet dreams.
+Uh, could you just uh... shut off the...
+Par-ty! Par-ty! Par-ty!
+Par-ty! Par-ty! Par-ty!
+Now, this is living!
+Sepulveda here, doin' the veejay thing for the most outta control spring break ever. And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard!
+No! Not yet! I'm only twenty-five!
+What up, chew toys? Cienega here, tightenin' the hose clamps for ya bad girls!
+We got Kid Rock comin' up for all you mosh monkeys.
+Wooo! I like mu-sic!
+Yo, yo, straight out of Detroit, y'all, it's the J-O-E to the C! Let's rock the party with Kid Rock!
+Oh, no, it's a lost child! Don't worry, folks. I'll tackle him.
+Yo Rock, tell Spring Break what your name is!
+MY NAME IS KIIIIDDDD KID ROCK!
+BAWITDABA / BANANA FANA / OOGA CHOCKA / ETC.
+And if you look to your left, you'll see another endless stretch of stagnant water.
+Oh, well, look who turned out to greet us, folks. It's our town's most famous resident, Captain Jack.
+Look at the size of that gator!
+Is he a maneater?
+Only convicts and hoboes.
+Do you have any hobo chunks we can throw to him?
+'Fraid not. Now years ago, Captain Jack helped build Palm Corners, by draggin' sticks and stones from the swamps. Legend has it he designed the town flag.
+Thank you! It's the pimp of the nation, Kid Rock, tearin' it up at Spring Break, y'all! Now, what we'd like to do next is bring it down for a minute.
+Bring on the rappin' granny!
+What? She's hilarious.
+You know, a lot of my homies didn't make it to the party. And we're gonna give props to the fallen, by pourin' a forty on the curb.
+But this ain't no forty-ounce curb. So, we're gonna need forty gallons, y'all!
+All for Homer... All for Homer...
+What the...?!
+Hey, who's that fool?
+Yo, let's waste that biatch!
+"Biatch?" Moi?
+WE BUILT THIS CITY / ON ROCK ANNND ROLL! Uh-oh.
+We'll give that punk a Joe C. section.
+Let's do this thing.
+All right now, boys. That's enough.
+Kid Rock, that's not like you.
+And Joe C., would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that?
+No, sir... Please don't tell Mama.
+They called you a pig, Sheriff.
+Well, I don't care what they call me, as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a goooood song.
+Oh, thank goodness. Where were you?
+Guess how many boobs I saw today, Marge? Fifteen!
+I hope he didn't cause too much trouble, Sheriff.
+Nah, boys will be boys. I reckon he was just blowin' off a little steam.
+Doesn't he talk funny?
+My insomnia, it's gone! Check it out, Marge. I'm sane again! And I owe it all to... Spring Break!
+Whoo! I'm an animal!
+Hey, where is everybody?
+Spring Break is over. It's time to get back to our studies.
+The world looks to us -- the college students -- for leadership.
+Fine. Be nerds. I'll find some people who know the true meaning of the words par-tay.
+WE BUILT THIS CITY / THIS KICK-ASS CITY / WHAT KIND OF MUSIC BUILT THIS CITY?
+ROCK AND ROLL.
+Dad, look out!
+LOOK OUT FOR WHAT?
+THE GI-ANT GATOR!
+THE GI-ANT...
+Oh, no.
+You killed Captain Jack! You in a heap o' trouble, son.
+You'll have to catch me first.
+Okay, I'll go quietly.
+Did you really have to handcuff the children?
+No, ma'am. I did not.
+You seemed so understanding before. What happened to "boys will be boys"?
+You see, during Spring Break the beer companies pay me to look the other way. The rest of the year, I'm a real hardass. Okay, sweet pea, you're next.
+Whoa, looks like we got a teeny Houdini here.
+Well don't you worry, darlin'. I got some baby-cuffs in the station.
+Look. This is our chance.
+Let's go!
+You can't drive, Dad. He's got your license.
+Well, I'm gonna try anyway.
+It worked! It's a miracle!
+Aw, dang it.
+Now, why does that only happen when nobody's lookin'?
+Pull over!
+There's no good place!
+There's lots of good places! What about over there?
+No shade!
+Perfect.
+Homer no. You'll kill us all.
+Or die trying...
+Dad, what do we do?!
+The only thing we can do. Sit tight, and try to get some sleep.
+Hey, where is Dad?
+Rise and shine, everybody.
+You went to the snack car?
+Yeah, but first I talked to the engineer. He said there's a procedure for dealing with events of this nature.
+Okay, now am I the only one on fire? Good.
+This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost, no car, no money, no clean clothes... And it's all your fault.
+I love being married.
+A diner!?
+That's perfect! We can hide out here 'til the heat's off.
+You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous. How do you know I'm going to hire you?
+Sorry. I just want to be a broom boy so bad.
+I like your attitude. You're hired. How 'bout you, missy? You wanna be a mop girl?
+Not really, no.
+I like your honesty. You're hired. And you two haven't said a word. I like that. You're hired.
+Woo hoo!
+Hey, keep it down.
+Y'all can stay in this trailer. Now, it ain't Buckingham Palace...
+...but I raised eight young'uns, three chilluns and a baby here.
+Ohhh, it's so cozy.
+You're insincere. I like that.
+Can I top you off, hon?
+No thanks.
+More hashbrowns, sugar?
+Nah, I'm good.
+This just in: Authorities in Six-Toe County are on the lookout for a family of fugitives.
+They're charged with gatorcide and defrauding an Amtrak's snack bar.
+Trouble with the law, huh? Well, I'm not one to judge. The way I see it, we're all sinners, and...
+Y'all just lie low here. You'll be safe with ol' Velma.
+Stop that.
+But I was just...
+...gonna try to...
+Go on now.
+...knock you out...
+Just quit.
+JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I DON'T CARE / JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I'M NOT THERE / WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLLLLL / SOMETHING SOMETHING DAY.
+Wow, look at all the stars you can see here.
+Those noxious gasses from the swamp must magnify them.
+I'm gettin' used to this country life. Teacher says I'm whittling at a tenth-grade level.
+And y'all hardly ever bicker anymore.
+Too hot to bicker, I reckon.
+You know, killing that gator was the best decision I ever made.
+Got that right. / Durn tootin'. / Boy howdy.
+Yep, this place is great. And someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs.
+You mean, when they marry other people.
+Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.
+Hey, wake up! We're moving.
+You just relax. I'll have you in jail by supper time.
+You'd better.
+Hey, you're stealin' my trailer! I like that.
+Well, first up is the State of Florida vs. The Simpson Family.
+Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself. Drunken hicks of the jury...
+We'd be much better rock breakers if we weren't all chained together.
+No talking.
+You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
+I'm beginning to dislike the man with the whip.
+Afternoon, folks. Got a new assignment for ya. The Judge is having a little soiree and he needs some help.
+No listening.
+You hear me?
+Uhh... no.
+You just don't learn, do ya?
+Champagne, madame?
+Son of a--! And the gentleman? Damn it!
+Simpson, we got a problem. The jazz pianist didn't show up.
+Well, what am I supposed to do?
+Okay, Bart. I'll sweet-talk the Sheriff, while you grab his keys.
+What should I do?
+Restock the possum bar. We're almost out of claws.
+My goodness, what a lovely suit, Sheriff. Is that seersucker?
+No. Not on a civil servant's salary. It's Nearsucker.
+Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.
+Yeap, it's comin' along, huh? You should see it in August, after the horseflies been gettin' at it. Hoo, man.
+Dang, I wish I could. But in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.
+Well, now. I might could switch you to dead animal pick-up... Hey!
+Nice try. I guess we just haven't been whippin' you enough.
+Sakes alive!
+Our beloved Captain Jack isn't dead after all!
+Well, don't that beat all? I guess you folks just stunned him.
+Flavor's gone.
+That's what we've been trying to tell you.
+Well, looks like you folks are free to go. But don't you set foot in the state of Florida again.
+Fine. There are plenty of other states that are happy to have us.
+Well, we're still welcome in North Dakota and Arizona.
+Arizona smells funny.
+North Dakota, here we come!
+I've always wanted to see Mount Rushmore.
+That's South Dakota.
+"The Cyborganizer." A high-tech robocop created for one purpose only... to help the NYPD tackle its tedious paperwork.
+Good work, Cyborganizer.
+I can streamline any procedure, except this thing you call "love."
+Poor Cyborganizer
+Homer, sitting that close to the TV can't be good for you.
+Talking while the TV's on can't be good for you.
+You should get your eyes checked. I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies -- why don't you come along?
+Nah. I want to enjoy this show before the network retools it.
+How can I organize this modeling agency and still be a good single father?
+I love you, Daddy.
+Too late.
+We need something quick. My husband's eyes are really shot.
+Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie! Whee! Touch the sky!
+Dad, I've got Maggie.
+Who said that?
+Come on, Bart. While your dad gets his glasses, we'll go shop for your trip.
+I hate shopping. Just get me a deck of cards, and I'll win whatever I need from the other kids.
+But you need to try things on! Every brand has a different idea of "Husky."
+I'm in tantrum position. T-minus five... four... three... remembering dead cat for real tears, and...
+Fine, you win. I'll do your shopping for you.
+Tantrum averted. But now I can't forget the cat.
+Okay, let's get started.
+Hey, wake up.
+Now, read the first line.
+I... 8... P.P.
+Why you little...
+Better or worse?
+Better or worse?
+Much better.
+That pair is popular with celebrities like Val Kilmer...
+Oo, my favorite Door.
+And Yoko Ono...
+Ew. She ruined the Plastic Ono Band.
+Maybe you're a candidate for laser eye surgery.
+Would it get me out of having to choose glasses?
+Well yes, but I must warn you, it's an experimental procedure and we still don't know the long-term effects...
+Less yappin', more zappin'.
+Well, looks like we got everything for Bart's camping trip: Blair Witch Repellent, antler saw and Deep Woods Scrabble.
+Ooh, "Tango de la Muerte." I've been dying to see that movie!
+It got rave reviews from both the Entertainment Radio Network and the Radio Entertainment Network. Let's go!
+Tough glass.
+Wait! You've gotta use these drops. They prevent your eyes from crusting over.
+Oh, here we go with the add ons. No thanks.
+Now that my severed foot has been reattached, I must win back the coveted dance title: Loco Legs!
+As your wise but alcoholic dance coach, I know that somewhere, your father is looking down on you and smiling. Oh, there he is.
+And now, I must choose a beautiful partner for the big dance contest.
+Oh, he'll never dance with her. She'll have to settle for some Mexican Milhouse.
+I demand to know your name.
+My name is... Lisabella.
+That's my name with bella on the end of it. Ask her, oh God, please ask her to dance.
+I shall dance with her.
+Que malo! Once again, I must sugar my own churro.
+But I am just a simple librarian. I have only read about dancing in books.
+I will show you something that is in no book.
+She's not plain, she's beautiful!
+There is just one dance that will beat them: the Tango de la Muerte.
+Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance, and he is dead!
+My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live. In his apartment.
+You are now carrying my child.
+But how?
+It is the mystery of the dance.
+Oh, Mom. I want to be a dancer!
+That's wonderful, honey. We should ask your father, though. Where is he, anyway?
+Now Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniels and a carton of smokes.
+Yes, dear.
+War Heads? Jelly Bellies? We're like two kids in a candy store!
+I remember Little Vicki Valentine! Her perky smile and dancing brought America right out of the depression.
+Well, I think World War II helped a little, Mom.
+Don't smart mouth, Lisa.
+A great big sunshine hello to you!
+Hi, Little Vicki.
+Oh, that was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now.
+All right. I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki.
+Little Vicki.
+But you just said that...
+So, what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many. There's ballroom...
+Ow! You stepped on my toes again!
+If you would just let me lead...
+You're not a leader, Seymour. Never have been. Never will be.
+There's square dancing...
+Put the birdie in the cage, odd lady in the center / Now the birdie is purdy / and the crows hop in / Pluck the feather all together / Hell bent for leather / Put your honey in the saddle...!
+Or, there's the dance that made me famous: tap.
+But I want to learn a dance I can use in real life, like the Tango de la Muerte.
+Aw, bless your heart. Let's get you some tap shoes.
+Ah, Little Vicki, I really think she had her heart set on...
+Little advice: don't live through your child.
+Camp is gonna be great! Seven days without parents, homework or ear medicine.
+Yes sir, this is gonna be the best week of our young lives.
+I'm gonna pound you two all week.
+What'd we do?
+Nothin'. But I gotta pound somebody.
+Haw haw.
+Now where do we go?
+I don't wanna go home. My grandma's sleeping in my bed, and she has skin like a basketball.
+Wait a minute. Everybody thinks we're at camp this week. We can stay wherever we want.
+Yeah, like the Four Seasons. Each room has its own safe!
+I've got a better place.
+The mall?
+Yeah. It's just like my dad always says...
+For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion -- the mall has it all!
+What? What did he say?
+Now, the key to great dancing is one word: Tap-a-tap-a-tap-a.
+Tap-a-tap-a-tap-a...
+Teacher, my shoes are making noise.
+You must be Ralph.
+My daddy shoots people!
+Good... Good... Wait a minute, somebody's off the beat.
+Let me hear you two.
+Okay. Now you.
+Children, stop it! For all you know, she has a medical condition.
+This is way better than camp. No mosquitoes, no stupid camp songs...
+IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, SHOP AT STAN'S.
+GIANT DISCOUNTS ON YOUR FAVORITE MAJOR BRANDS...
+Attention shoppers, the mall is now closed.
+Okay, folks. You heard the recording. Clear out.
+Quick. Up here.
+Where are we going?
+Quiet. Just keep scurrying.
+Gold! Wait, this is just chocolate. Chocolate!
+And these are Gummy Worms! Gummy!
+Flavor's gone.
+Shoe fight!
+Ow! No golf shoes!
+Ready, Milhouse?
+Gimme a sec...
+We're lumberjacks!
+Oh, my God!
+Look at this place. How could this happen?
+Candy chewed, wigs pulled from stands, cheese packages poked and repoked...
+Every sign points to one obvious culprit... A giant rat.
+You'll have to shut down the mall.
+On Presidents' Day weekend? Are you crazy?
+Crazy with concern for the public, yes. Now shut this place down before the old folks come in for their morning walk.
+Tap-a-tap-a-tap-a. Tap-a-tap-a-tap-a...
+Sorry. The floor's kind of at an angle here. I'm gonna move over there.
+Okay, from tap-a-tap-a-tap-a.
+Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.
+Let's take five.
+What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?
+Well, you're falling a lot... Maybe you should work on that.
+Yeah, well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction than just tap-a-tap-a-tap-a.
+Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt and I had to do it without tap-a-tap-a-tap-a. I would have killed for tap-a-tap-a-tap-a.
+Sorry. I'm just frustrated.
+Well, you'll never save grandpa's farm with that attitude. You've just got to turn that frown upside down.
+That's a smile, not an upside-down-frown! Work on that, too.
+I like those odds.
+Perfect.
+Hey, we got a postcard from Bart. "Dear Mom and Homer. I'm having fun." Aw, sounds like he's having fun.
+Why does it have a picture of Vitamin Barn?
+Didn't you ever go to camp? The ol' Vitamin Barn...
+There's our Broadway Baby!
+Hey, dig that crazy rhythm.
+I'm just walking. Listen, I know I said I wanted to be a dancer, but...
+And you will be a dancer.
+Look at you, all sugar and spice instead of equations and test tubes.
+You're Daddy's precious dancing queen!
+And you look adorable.
+Now honey, what were you trying to say before we kept interrupting you with our loving proudness?
+Yes, our tiny tapper. What was it you were going to say after "I wanted to be a dancer, but..."
+But I just... need more practice. See ya!
+Oh! What's that awful sound?
+The furnace?
+It's me!
+Awww...
+Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki?
+My kitty cat's sick and I'd be ever so sad if she should die.
+Ooh, well, I'm no animal doctah or nothin', but whenever I'm feelin' poorly, you know what fixes me up? Dancin'!
+Dancin'?
+Dancin'!
+But I don't know how to dance.
+Oh, I'll show ya how.
+There. Now you're gettin' it!
+Look at me, Powder Puff. I'm dancin'!
+The cat dances better than I do.
+We'll catch that mall rat.
+Sure hope this ACME kit works.
+Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits?
+Uh, I dunno, Chief. It's a million to one.
+My mistake was grabbing the cheese.
+Professor Frink, will that spaceship be ready for the recital?
+I have visited the future, and yes it will.
+Okay, kids, tonight's the big night. Now remember, the important thing is to just dance flawlessly.
+Excuse me...
+Why isn't my name in the program?
+It is, silly. You've got the most important part of all.
+Curtain puller?!
+No one can see the show if the curtain isn't open!
+But my parents are counting on seeing me dance! And I've worked ever so hard.
+I'm sorry, Lisa. But giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal, is called what again, class?
+Communism.
+That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the allies 'til my shoes filled with blood just to roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.
+All right, I'll be the stupid curtain puller.
+Smoothly. Pull-a-pull-a-pull-a...
+I get your pull-a-pull-a-pull-a...
+Excuse me, Lisa, but I couldn't help but overhear your nerdly predicament. Maybe I can be of assistance with the dancing and the twisting and the kung fu fiiigh-ting.
+I first observed this technology at the airport gift shop.
+As you see, it responds to any percussive sound with an exuberant shaking of its groove thing. Yeah, yeah.
+Most entertaining, but how does that help me?
+Observe.
+Ohhhhhh. That's brilliant, Professor! What will you think of next?
+Well, I also found this at the gift shop.
+Isn't it cute?
+He knows why.
+I'm hoping to turn it into a weapon. Kill ya.
+I've gotta go now.
+Okay, Mister Rat... We've got a little playmate for you.
+Should I get the backup lion, Chief?
+Would you?
+Can you see the lion anywhere?
+Well, do you see him or not?
+Are you saying he's right on the other side of that plant?
+Okay. Run!!!
+This way!
+Bart, you're a genius!
+You okay, Milhouse?
+Nothing that a handful of gummy bears can't fix.
+Well, well, looks like the cat got the rat.
+And that's the end of that "tail."
+Uh, Chief? Should we try and get the mountain lion back in its crate?
+I repeat...
+Okay, everyone. We need big smiles out there, so line up for dimpling.
+Now this may hurt a lot. What am I saying, "may"?
+Now, that's a happy face.
+Little Vicki, I figured out how to dance. I can be in the show now!
+I'm sorry, Lisa. People go to a children's dance recital expecting a certain level of professionalism.
+But, but you don't understand...
+I ate too much plastic candy.
+Jesus, Mary and glayvin! These shoes are in the "Off" position.
+Heavens to Betsy, the star of the show is sick! Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa?
+Help me into Ralph's costume.
+Showtime, children! Let's go.
+Okay, curtain puller, this is your moment to shine. Oh, it's too important. I'll do it for you.
+Lean, muscular children of Mars, we bring you candy.
+Let's walk over to them.
+Why walk, when you can dance?
+Where's Lisa?
+Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.
+ON THE SPACESHIP LOLLIPOP / GINGERBREAD MEN LIKE TO DO HIP HOP.
+AND CHOCOLATE CHIPS / MAKE A ROCKIN' FUEL FOR ROCKET SHIPS / WE JUST LOVE TO DANCE ON MARS / WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE FROM CANDY BARS.
+There she is! Hi, honey! Wow, look at her go.
+Yeah, that pressure we put on her really paid off!
+What are you doing?
+I can't help it! It's the shoes!
+Nobody upstages Little Vicki!
+Oh, please stop!
+I'm just getting started!
+Stop clapping!
+Go, Lisa! C'mon, everybody, give it up for my little girl!
+Stop with the clapping! You'll kill us all!
+Lisa's gone berserk! Do something, Homer! Do something!
+Oh, thanks, Dad.
+I didn't think, I just acted.
+Self-tapping shoes?! I'm ever so pissed!
+I'm sorry, Vicki. I just wanted to be a dancer so badly.
+I understand. We all do crazy things when we're desperate. I once destroyed Buddy Ebsen's credit rating.
+You mean I danced all by myself?
+See, honey? All you needed was to believe in...
+What are you talking about, Professor Frink? They're clearly in the "On" position. See? "On."
+I was merely trying to spare the girl's feelings, you insensitive clod.
+Oh. Ohhhhh. Well, now that I look even closer...
+Forget it, Dad. I guess I'm never gonna be your Broadway Baby.
+That's not true, honey. You can always write a depressing Broadway play of some kind.
+You think so?
+Sure. It could be a story about people coming to terms with things.
+Hey, yeah. You could load it up with lots of swears. That's what David Mamet does.
+Oh, I love you guys.
+Uh-oh. It's out of its matrix. Nobody move.
+Why? It's just a cute little weasel. Hello there, Mister weasel.
+I'm down.
+Now, be careful with those video cameras, children. In order to buy them, the school board had to eliminate geography.
+This globe will never spin again. Now, class, I want you to be creative with your video projects. I don't want to see thirty "Blair Witch" knock-offs.
+"Stop Hittin' Yourself": Take One.
+Stop hittin' yourself! Stop hittin' yourself! Stop hittin' yourself!
+Tonight, on the Discovery Channel: "Inside Lisa's Nose."
+What will we find? Boogers... or Nazi gold?
+Bart, quit it!
+No way.
+Bart sleeps with Raggedy Andy.
+Cut! Cut! Cut!
+Otto, a red traffic light means what?
+No time for brain teasers. Today's the day I ask my girlfriend to take a ride on the matrimony pony.
+Otto's got a girlfriend! Otto's got a girlfriend!
+That's right, I do.
+Uh... I know you do. Baby.
+Otto, since when have you had a girlfriend?
+We met in the summer of love...Woodstock '99.
+Quick! I need some water!
+Eight dollars.
+Huh. Not in this lifetime!
+Okay, this is it.
+EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN / JUST LIKE EVERY COWBOY SINGS A SAD, SAD SONG...
+Becky, you're my rose. Will you let me be your thorn?
+Oh, Otto. Of course my answer is...
+Ooh, wait, wait, wait, wait. This solo is kick-ass.
+Honey, could you turn it down?
+Okay, but this better be worth it.
+Yes, I will marry you.
+Homer, look, we're invited to Otto's wedding!
+Ooh, and such delicate tissue paper. Zig-Zag!?
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
+No knife games on the kitchen table!
+I didn't hit your precious table.
+Ooh, we're "cordially" invited... this Saturday... to join Otto and Becky at... 742 Evergreen Terrace? That's our address!
+I told Otto he could have the wedding here. Hope that's okay.
+You should have asked first, Bart. Weddings are hard work and cost thousands of dollars.
+Hey, it'll be easy. You've still got most of the stuff from Apu's wedding back there.
+All right, Otto can get married here. But Homer, you have to get rid of that elephant.
+Let's see. Candles, flowers, place cards, rice...
+Oh, Mom, you're not supposed to throw rice anymore. Birds eat it, their stomachs swell and they explode.
+Why am I just learning this now?
+Son, your mother and I don't approve of this marriage, as we have not approved of any part of your life to date.
+Well, the important thing is you came.
+We're leaving.
+Drive safe!
+Always a bridesmaid, only occasionally a bride.
+Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men.
+They're pigs?
+The bitterness is strong in this one.
+So, any words for the bride and groom?
+Not now, Bart. I'm trying to urinate.
+You don't seem to be trying very hard.
+Dad, the bride and groom are supposed to cut the wedding cake!
+Oh, that's just superstition.
+Thank you.
+Oh, Becky, you look beautiful. I thought you might want to see this bridal magazine. It's got nine hundred tips for the perfect marriage. All "don'ts."
+Oh, we'll be fine. Otto's got a clean police record, and he doesn't do any needle drugs...
+Well, the real key, according to sexperts, is mutual interests.
+No prob. We like all the same things. Except...
+Mm-hmm?
+Don't tell Otto, but I'm not into heavy metal and he loves it. He refers to our lovemaking as the headbanger's ball.
+Oh, you can fix little defects like that with gentle nagging. Make it part of the background noise of your relationship. That's how I polished Homer into the perfect... Homer! No, that's ice!
+Uh, now... as for the matter of my honorarium...
+You know, my emolument...
+Pay me. Three hundred dollars.
+Three hundred? I could've gotten Rick Dees for that.
+OOOOH. YOW! WHOOO!... YEAH!...
+You got Poison to play at our wedding?
+We're Cyanide, a loving tribute to Poison!
+We need a ride home!
+You expect me to walk down the aisle to a monster ballad?!
+Let me talk to Otto.
+Oh, that's okay. I guess this is sort of our song.
+Well, it doesn't have to be. Otto's just going to have to decide what's more important, his heavy metal or you.
+Becky, what have I done here? I'm so sorry.
+In about fifteen minutes I'd take off that wedding dress, or you're gonna look crazy.
+Moe, can I give you some shrimp for the road?
+Nah, I'll just take the ring pillow and these uhhh... seven presents I brung. Eh, you know what? Cram some shrimp in, too. Head to tail. That way you can fit more.
+How 'bout some sauce?
+Thanks.
+Becky, I know you must feel awful. But at least this didn't happen after you were married.
+Yes, better now than when you're too old and fat to get another man.
+I feel so alone. What am I going to do?
+Hey, why don't you stay with us?
+Bart, remember that talk we had about you volunteering our house?
+Remember that talk we had about you not wrecking people's weddings?
+It's settled. The stranger stays with us!
+CH-CH-CH-CHANGES / TIME TO CHANGE THE OIL / YEAH / CHANGES / DON'T WANNA BE AN OILY MAN /
+A man innocently changes his oil, when... a two-ton car comes crashing down!
+Crashing down!
+Who'd have thought you could hold up a car with a wicker basket?
+Now, Lisa's going through this phase where she doesn't eat any meat. So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables.
+Wow, you're a real-life Martha Stewart. I mean, without the evil.
+May I? Mmm. Yummers.
+Nobody's ever called my gravy yummers before!
+Mm. You know what'd be really nuts? A little rosemary.
+Ooo, ooo, I've always wanted to use rosemary in something.
+Mom, this gravy tastes better than God's sweat.
+Thanks to our own spice girl: Becky.
+Well, Mom, you really brought out the mung in these beans.
+Actually, that was Becky, too.
+What are these things in the mashed potatoes?
+That's the skins. I left them on.
+Well, nobody's perfect. Let me just pick those out.
+No! Oh, Becky, your potatoes are the best I've ever had.
+Oh, God.
+Stop kicking my baby!
+Ah, it's cool. We're just putting some Jackie Chan moves into Bart's video project.
+Yeah, Mom. I need something great. Milhouse has footage of himself falling down the stairs.
+Well, no kicking. It's too dangerous.
+Marge, chill out! I have great control. See?
+That's very impressive, but I still don't... stop that!
+Hello. HEL-LOOO.
+We're jamming, Mom. She's painting my music, and I'm playing to her painting.
+Isn't it wonderful to have a hip female influence in the house?
+Yes. Well, I guess I'll go roll socks. It's not "hip," but it has to be done.
+It's red!
+Actually, you could just tie them at the ends. That way, the elastic doesn't wear out.
+Yes, I hate when things get worn out... hmm... socks... welcomes...
+...she's so helpful and everyone loves her and, well, this may sound crazy, but I think my family likes Becky more than me.
+I wouldn't worry about that.
+Really?
+Yeah. You're going to be dead in a week anyway.
+Dead in a week? What are you talking about?
+Look honey, never let an attractive woman into your house. All they ever do is usurp your family and then kill you.
+Like that documentary, "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle."
+That was a movie.
+Look, all we know is she's going to shoot you or stab you or boil you...
+Or club you with an antique wooden doll.
+Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a good one.
+Oh, but first she's going seduce your husband.
+Becky's going to seduce Homer?
+It's an act of violence, not love.
+Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you? I wanted to return your hairdryer.
+Oh, and here's your brush.
+You just enjoy your grocery shopping, Marge. And if you pick up some semolina, I can make couscous for Lisa.
+It's my favorite!
+Oh, yeah. You can learn a lot from your kids if you just listen to them.
+Be right back.
+Take your time!
+Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say when it's too late: "Shut up, Becky!" Ooh, that would've been sweet.
+Oh, no. The "Brakes Cut" light.
+I still say ours is bigger.
+Our speed bumps are stronger, too.
+I don't know, Simpson. How do I know you didn't cut your own brakes?
+Why would I do that?
+I don't know. Get some attention from a handsome police officer.
+That's crazy.
+Look, I know I don't have any proof, but this woman is trying to kill me!
+Fine. Let me tell you what I tell everybody who comes in here: the law is powerless to help you.
+Do I have to be dead before you'll help me?
+Well, not dead, dying. No, no, no, no. Don't walk away. Wait. How 'bout this: just show me the knife. In your back. Not too deep, but, uh, it should be able to stand by itself.
+C'mon, Becky. Tell us your big news.
+Well, I wanted to wait for your mother, but okay. I found an apartment, and I'm movin' out.
+Awww. / Oh, no.
+Becky, I think I speak for all of us when I say "When's the ice cream gonna get here?"
+And God said, gather ye two of every flavor, anoint them with 62 sauces, whipped cream and nuts, and ye shall call it, "The Ark."
+Relax, he's gorging.
+Okay, maybe not.
+We've gotta save him!
+Usurper! Usurper! Usurper!
+Don't mess with me, I've got jimmies!
+Aagh! I can only see a horrible rainbow!
+Shut up, Becky! There. I finally said it.
+Drop the cone, Sugar.
+Whoopsie.
+Take her away, boys.
+I thought you said the law was powerless.
+Powerless to help you, not punish you. Mmm, 'earned my treat.
+This isn't over, Becky. I know where you live: My house!
+Poor Maggie. How many insanity hearings have you been to in your short little life?
+Mrs. Simpson, before we begin, I just want to assure you that this is not a trial...
+All right, it's a trial.
+Now Marge, accordin' to this, you recently went berserk in an ice cream parlor.
+And Marge, did you ever have an unhealthy fixation on Ringo Starr?
+It was healthy. He reciprocated. He reciprocated!
+Excuse me, what are you doing?
+Oh... I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.
+I see. And this "God" -- is he in this room right now?
+Oh, yes. He's kind of everywhere.
+Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly--
+I'm not insane!
+You didn't let me finish. Insane!
+I'm not insane!
+Run, Marge, run! Pump those crazy legs!
+Police say escaped mental patient Marge Simpson could be anywhere. Even here at Juggernaut's, where it's wet t-shirt month.
+But for now, this reporter prays that Mad Marge can be captured before she kills again.
+Kills again? She hasn't killed once!
+Don't have a cow, Mother.
+Shouldn't we be out there trying to find her?
+Don't worry, she'll show up here sooner or later. To finish off Becky. Then we'll have Mommy back.
+Come back! Those are prescription pants!
+Now, Ralphie, what are you going to do if you see Mrs. Simpson?
+Freeze, you crazy mommy!
+Attaboy. But you gotta aim a little higher. There ya go. That's a kill shot.
+Now we've got a special guest. She just flew in from the cuckoo's nest, and boy, is she crazy -- crazy Marge Simpson! Look at that.
+Hello, Krusty.
+That's funny. So, Marge. Who's your favorite Native American warrior?
+Crazy Horse!
+Oy, oy. Stop it. This bit's dyin'. Let's go to the Mad Marge Dancers.
+Too soon.
+Oh, I really miss Mom.
+The kids are saying if you say Bloody Margie five times, she'll appear. But then she gouges your eyes out.
+I heard she mates with men, then eats them.
+I'm sure if Marge were here, and not crazy, she'd be telling you two to do your homework and you to finish washing the dog.
+Now, let's find out who this Becky really is.
+I really should read the whole headline before I react.
+Oh, my. I've been so unfair to Becky. Maybe I am insane. I mean, I am talking to myself.
+You are? Oh, I thought I'd made a friend.
+Becky, I want to apologize to you...surper!
+Why you little...!
+Cut! Cut!
+Mom, it's great to have you back, but you walked right into my shot.
+Shot? Wha?
+I hope we didn't scare you, Marge. Bart's just filming a music video for his class project.
+And I'm directing the "Making Of" video.
+Oh. Well, then, I guess there's a reasonable explanation for everything. Except you cutting my brakes!
+Oh, about that. Uh -- when I changed your oil, I may have drained your brake fluid. I didn't say anything 'cause I thought you'd be mad.
+Ooboy, my bad. Becky, I'm so sorry I accused you of trying to kill me and steal my family.
+Hey, no biggie. I was trying to steal your family. I even thought of a good place to bury you, but I didn't have a shovel, so I went to the hardware store, and they have six different kinds... and I was like, "Later."
+Well, that's a relief, too, knowing I'm not crazy. So I guess everything really worked out for the--
+You monsters! You've killed her!
+No they didn't.
+Good Lord! We put enough tranquilizers in there to take down Jonathan Winters.
+Oh, I've got too much to do to take a nap right now. Lisa, get Maggie out of that cage. And Homer, since you're dressed for it, I got some S & M for ya: Scrubbing and Mopping.
+Thank you.
+They were the first family of American laughter... surfing a tidal wave of hilarity...
+... onto the sands of Superstar Bay.
+But behind the chortles, this funny fivesome was trapped in a private hell.
+Everybody wanted a piece of us.
+They told us what to wear, how to dress, which clothes we should put on...
+The cops found me driving on the sidewalk.
+I had no business hosting the Oscars. After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.
+Tonight, the Simpsons as you've never seen them before, on "Behind the Laughter."
+The Simpsons' amazing journey began here, in the bustling heartland town of Springfield.
+On this unassuming street, two nobodies named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family. First came baby Bart... then Lisa Simpson... and finally Maggie.
+Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine!
+Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.
+I'd see 'em sittin' on that couch all day long... just starin' at that Hollywood hogwash.
+Our favorite show was "Hollywood Hogwash." But we also loved "The Dreck Squad"...
+"The Malarkeys," "Dumbin' It Down"...
+"Sheriff Lowbrow"...
+"Home Improvement"...
+But we never saw people like us on TV.
+TV families were always hugging and tackling issues.
+Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show. Finally, I said, "So, do it! Either shit or get off the pot."
+And shit he did.
+Using his home as the studio, and his family as the cast, this penniless Peckinpah shot a crude five-minute video.
+"My Funny Family," take one.
+Aannnd action!
+Honey, I'm home! The boss is coming to dinner and I need a clean shirt.
+I haven't done the laundry yet.
+Mamma mia! Now I'll have to do it.
+Dad, that's too much deterge--
+Not now. I'm busy turning on this washing machine.
+Simp-son!!! Where's my dinner?!
+Mamma mia!
+It was amazing how fast Dad betrayed his vision of a realistic show.
+Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry onscreen.
+Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up.
+Shut up all of you, or I'll sue.
+Homer didn't fire Marge, but he did shake things up. Show business things.
+He tried to show his demo tape to the major networks... but couldn't get past the guards.
+Fortunately, I had a network connection. The man who cut my hair was also President of Fox.
+The Simpsons had their foot in the door. Fox ordered thirteen episodes. But would the public respond?
+...M-E-R. Okay.
+R-U-P-E-R...
+You're almost there.
+I first knew the show was a hit when I walked into school, and a kid was wearing a Bart Simpson T-shirt.
+Fox had an endless supply of clever slogans, man.
+Suddenly, I was invited to every birthday party. Sometimes I'd have to read the cake just to know who I was singing to.
+"The Simpsons" was a smash. Viewers couldn't get enough of the show's fractured take on the modern family.
+The funniest stuff came right out of real life.
+Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes.
+Cowabunga, dude!
+Aaaand cut!
+Dad, I've never said "Cowabunga!" in my life. Your script sucks.
+Why you little...!
+Hey, that's funny!
+And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.
+With Simpson merchandise selling like crazy...
+And Simpson gin wetting whistles worldwide...
+The money was pouring in.
+We were using fifty-dollar bills as toilet paper. And toilet paper as dog toilet paper.
+Convinced that the good times would never stop rolling, the Simpsons moved out of their trademark house...and into MC Hammer's.
+We found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling with parachute pants. I'm wearing some now.
+But pants or no pants, the Simpsons were flying high.
+Yeah, I've seen all the overnight sensations -- Brad Hall, Rich Hall, Rich Little, Little Richard -- but the Simpsons blew 'em all away. They even had a hit record. Meanwhile, "Krustophenia" sits on the shelf.
+None of us had ever sung before. But Mr. Geffen believed in us.
+WE'RE GONNA GROOVE TONIGHT / WE'LL MAKE YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT / SIMPSONS BOOGIE!
+Right, and the award for "Best Hardcore Thrashmetal" goes to... "Simpsons' Christmas Boogie"?!
+For America's favorite family, everything was coming up roses... but those roses contained ready-to-sting bees.
+When we come back...
+I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.
+When "Behind the Laughter" continues.
+By the end of their first season, the Simpsons were burning up Nielsen boxes in the U.S... and creating a sensation overseas...
+Hello, Mister Lobster.
+Bathtubs of money... wheelbarrows of awards... firehoses of respect... The Simpsons had it all.
+/ I've seen it.
+But behind the streamers and confetti, storm clouds were gathering...
+Figurative storm clouds.
+Aw, Homer was spendin' money like a teenage Arab. He bought me a Rolex and, ah, cashmere jeans. I felt kinda guilty 'cause I was always trying to score with his wife. So, when do we start filming? Oh.
+Even Bart was throwin' dough around. He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other.
+Hey, did we ever get that money?
+But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just Volume One of The Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
+Even more harrowing were the events of one April afternoon.
+Fans reacted to these slapdash episodes with yawns. Angry yawns.
+The script originally called for me to jump the gorge. But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt.
+Everything was goin' great at first. I felt like I was king of the world.
+I'm king of the world! Woo hoo! Woo hoo!
+Right about here, I realize something's wrong.
+Yep, there I go. Then came the rocks. Jagged rocks. Hitting me with their jags.
+The sequence became an instant comedy classic. But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath...
+Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers. It was the only way he could perform the bone-cracking physical comedy that made him a star.
+Oh, my leg! This is the worst pain ever! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! Owww!
+Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
+But despite their mounting problems, the Simpsons' star continued to rise...
+... like a plastic bag caught in an updraft.
+It was such an honor to be on the Walk of Fame. I mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty, like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela.
+... and just a few stars down from the Cheerios Honey Bee.
+Awards and honors are great, but they don't pay the pickle man.
+We were earning millions, but we were always strapped for cash.
+One time, Lisa bought a first edition of "Susan B. Anthony-Man."
+Her check bounced higher than Rubber Girl.
+Where did the money go? Marge lost much of the family fortune investing in birth control products.
+I learned something: When people reach for their diaphragm, they don't want to see my picture.
+As the Simpsons' money dwindled, their expenses soared. From the original hundreds of characters.
+The Simpsons' TV show started out on a wing and a prayer.
+I'd never acted before in my life. But, ah, if the Sea Captain could be in the show... why not me? I've even got a catch phrase: No, I lost it.
+Then, another bombshell: An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam... that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes.
+Yes, I finked on Homer. But you know, he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "take a penny, leave a penny" tray.
+The tax men were merciless.
+Hey, they can't take our house. My pot-bellied pig is in there.
+Ohhhh, Mister. Porky.
+Inevitably, the behind-the-scenes turmoil took its toll on their TV series.
+Annd action!
+Hold on! Cut!
+Bart, if it's not too much trouble...
+Fine! I'll do "Teen Wolf III." I've got fair-weather friends to feed.
+Dad, I want to go to bed. Aren't there child labor laws?
+Who told you about those laws? Was it Marge?
+Hey, you've been riding me all day. Why don't you poop in your hat?
+Are you going to need us tonight?
+I have ballet tickets. Not that they'll do much good now.
+With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.
+I'm an imposter. That man is the real Seymour Skinner.
+Trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings...
+If you're looking for trouble, you found it.
+Just try me, you... Owww.
+But there were bigger problems offscreen. After judging a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Beauty Contest at the Sheraton Haleakalualea... Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian airline jet, attacking several flight attendants.
+While he was in rehab, the part of "Bart Simpson" was played by his good friend Richie Rich.
+Bart, what do you mean, you have jury duty?
+Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed to a live appearance at the Iowa State Fair.
+Right from the start, I had a bad feeling about that gig.
+It was an evening none of them would ever forget. Or would they? No.
+Helloooo, Iowa! Does anyone have a donut?
+Now Homer, this is no time to be thinking about food.
+Yeah, forget the donuts! We're here to go-nuts! Musically, that is!
+What kind of song should we play?
+Something that swings, with the beat of New Orleans.
+No, something that rocks. That's the sound of today.
+Swings!
+Swings!
+Swings!
+Sadly, this argument was not part of the act.
+I'll kill you!
+You don't have the guts, little man!
+Folks, we're just having a little family tiff. If you'll just bear with us...
+Oh, shut up! Always trying to act so mature... I'm glad you make the least money.
+Oh, that's it!
+Hey, hey, stop it!
+Stop it!
+Before a riot could break out...
+Jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy breakdancing.
+GOT A BROTHER NAMED BILLY / AND MY TEETH LOOK SILLY / BREAK IT DOWN NOW!
+Who are you! I'll get you!
+The dream was over.
+Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes it was. Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion... dusting and polishing mixing boards.
+When "Behind the Laughter" continues.
+You don't have to answer that.
+But now the wing was on fire... and the prayer had been answered by Satan.
+After the state fair fiasco... none of the family were speaking to each other. Fox put the show on hiatus, and replaced it with hidden camera footage from the dressing room at Ann Taylor.
+That slugfest at the state fair was really a blessing. It gave us a chance to pursue solo projects. I returned to my first love, the legitimate theater.
+As a young female artist, I really love living in this East Village loft.
+Oh, that must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingeley.
+WHERE IS THE RENT? / I MUST HAVE THE RENT! / DOLLARS, DIMES AND NICKELS / I NEED THEM ALL RIGHT NOW!
+I literally chewed the scenery.
+The other family members were also spreading their creative wings. Bart replaced Lorenzo Lamas in the syndicated action series "Renegade."
+If Esposito thinks he's going to muscle us, he's wrong.
+I hear that, Renegade.
+Let's do this thing.
+Marge put together a nightclub act.
+I SHOT THE SHERIFF / BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEP-U-TY
+SHE DIDN'T DO IT! / SHE DIDN'T DO IT!
+So, the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him...
+... A smile.
+Good night, Laughlin!
+SHE DIDN'T DO IT! / SHE DIDN'T DO IT!
+Lisa sang, too, in a tell-all book blasting the family...
+To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
+That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?
+In that family, nobody trusted nobody. They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner.
+So, uh, how's everybody doing?
+Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch!
+That's assault! That is assault.
+It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally, it was terrible. But the turkey was so moist.
+The carcass of the Simpsons' empire had been picked clean.
+But then came help from an unexpected source.
+I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan. My old fraternity brother, Willie Nelson.
+I'd do anything for Kegmeister Julius. So, I cooked up a phony awards show.
+Not again. Timesaver my ass!
+When Willie asked me to be a presenter at the New Awareness Awards, I had to think about it... for about a microsecond.
+You just don't say no to the Redheaded Stranger. And when I heard it was for awareness, that sealed the deal.
+Would Willie's fence-mending eggs bear fruit?
+Or would his olive branch be torn apart by woodpeckers of mistrust?
+That night, fate wore a cummerbund. Of suspense.
+Thank you, Taco, for that loving tribute to Falco. And now, to present the award for "Most Violent Rap Group," Homer Simpson!
+And Marge Simpson!
+What?! What's she doing here?
+And Bart and Lisa Simpson!
+Hey, what's goin' on?
+Well, I'll be honest. The New Awareness Awards are all an elaborate sham.
+I knew it was too good to be true.
+So this whole thing was just a trick to get us back together.
+Well, I'm also trying to patch things up between Van Halen and Sammy Hagar.
+But the main thing is for you folks to stop this silly feud. Isn't that right, people?
+Hug! Hug! Hug!
+Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug!
+Yes, go on.
+The Simpsons' bitter past was forgotten, and now the future looks brighter than ever for this northern Kentucky family.
+We put all the craziness behind us, and now it's time to get back to what matters: the show, and the Sunday comic strip.
+... which Homer writes himself.
+So you know it's great.
+Why you little...!
+So, whether choking their son, or poking some fun, the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come.
+I can't believe it. We won another contest!
+The Simpsons are going to Delaware!
+I wanna see Wilmington!
+I wanna visit a screen door factory!
+This'll be the last season.
+Next week on "Behind the Laughter": Huckleberry Hound.
+I was so gay, but I couldn't tell anyone.
+Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
+I don't like you ogling her.
+Why don't you read "Cathy"? She's hilarious.
+Eh, too much baggage. Oo, my horoscope. Taurus: "Today you will die."
+"... and you may get a compliment from an attractive co-worker!" Lenny?
+It really says "die"? That sounds unusually specific for a horoscope.
+Maybe I'd better check mine. "Today, your husband will die." Homer, I'm scared.
+Ooo, scary newspaper. Don't hurt me, horoscope. I'm afraid of...
+Ow! Oooh! Paper cut, paper cut!
+Missed me! Stupid horoscope!
+Stupid horoscope!
+Cloopid blore-apope!
+Homer, if I may compliment you...
+That is one handsome rattlesnake you got bitin' your arm there.
+Yeah, it's quite fetching, but, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness?
+Nah, he'll get tired of biting in an hour or so. Snakes: nature's quitters.
+That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pick ax in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing. What's for dessert?
+No dessert until you eat your broccoli.
+Hmm. Another broccoli-related death.
+But I thought broccoli was--
+--Oh yes, one of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
+Sure is easy when they're stiff like this. And very sad.
+St. Peter! Woo hoo! Got to heaven before you, Flanders!
+I wouldn't celebrate so soon, Mr. Simpson. I don't see a single good deed next to your name.
+Well, the thing about that is...
+Homer, settle down. I'll give you a chance to get into Heaven. You have twenty-four hours to go back and do one good deed.
+I'm sorry, I didn't get the number of hours or good deeds.
+Poor Homie. I still can't believe a piece of broccoli killed you.
+What the hell was I thinking?
+I tried the broccoli again.
+You have twenty-three hours left.
+Maaarge Siiimpson.
+Homer, it's you!! I thought I'd never see you again.
+You were wrong... dead wrong.
+Do you have to talk like that?
+No, not really. Marge, you gotta help me. I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
+Well, I've got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house, grout the tu--
+Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just trying to get in. I'm not running for Jesus.
+Okay, good deed, good deed... hello!
+Hey, a chance for a good deed!
+No, she's mine!
+Oh, my Lor--
+What's happening to me? People can see up my bustle!
+Hey, stop squirming!
+Uh-oh. Uh... I'm pretty sure she was gonna be the next Hitler. Hello? Good deed done.
+Let's see, good deed...
+... Gotta find a good deed.
+Haw haw. Your dad is dead! Mine's just in jail.
+Nellllsonnnn...
+Huh? Who said that?
+I am the ghost of--
+Gotcha!
+Haw haw!
+Bart, help! Sonnn!
+Just one minute left to get into heaven! There's gotta be some good deed I can do. C'mon, think, think.
+My baby!
+Stop that crying!!
+Man, you're annoying.
+It's a miracle! Thank Heavens!
+Woo hoo!
+Did you see that? I did the deed! Open up!
+Oh, I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking.
+Hey, I thought you guys could see everything.
+No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
+Well I'll be damned.
+I'm afraid so, yes.
+I am Hooomer Siiimpsonnn...
+Ow! Son of a...
+Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!
+Haw haw.
+Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up John Wayne.
+I'm already up.
+Son, I don't like you watching that fire. It's too violent.
+You're missing the best part, Sister. Forget that stupid book.
+But these fairy tales take me away from the harsh reality of peasant life.
+Oh, it's not so bad...
+I just got over the plague.
+Hello, Wife! Hello, children!
+Who's up for a merry jig?
+Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not merry.
+I lost my job as an oaf today.
+What?! Oh, why are the oafs always the first to go?
+Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.
+Really?
+Whaddaya think? Do you love it?
+Oh, I'm no dunce. I was born an oaf, and I'll die an oaf.
+But Husband, without your weekly pittance, how shall we feed our children?
+Don't worry. No child will ever starve in my home.
+So long, kids. Enjoy your new home! Say hi to your other brother and sister.
+"Other brother and sister"?
+Face it -- they're not great parents.
+No! That bridge has a troll under it!
+Everything in this forest is from a fairy tale! And this book can keep us one step ahead!
+Aw geez, I came on too strong again. Oh, I'm so desperately lonely.
+Hello? Lost lovable orphans!
+Hmm... Bowls of porridge... Oh, this seems somehow familiar... Let's see...
+Hmm... Oh, whoa! Too hot!
+Too cold. Well, this doesn't take a genius...
+We're in The Three Bears house!
+That was close!
+I wonder where Goldilocks was.
+Oh, that bed was just right.
+Oh, no!
+Boy, dumping your kids in the forest sure gets your hands dusty.
+What?! You threw our precious babies into the woods?! We could have sold them!
+Go back and get them!
+Here's a better idea -- I know how we can replace those children.
+Son? Daughter? I'm ever so sorry.
+Brave Sir Knight, I pray you, climb up and rescue me.
+Ow!... No, wait... Wait!!
+Wow, a house made of gingerbread!
+Come on in, my darlings. The best candies are inside.
+Wait, let me check the book.
+Eh, she seems nice. I'm gonna go with my gut and trust her.
+You're probably right.
+Sweep faster! It's almost time for your beating!
+Oh, this is horrible!
+Horribly delicious.
+You know she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.
+Eh, what're you gonna do?
+Well, at least stop basting yourself!
+Stop your jabbering and sweep! This house is filthy!
+So, what do you care? It's not like you have friends.
+I have a boyfriend.
+Yeah, right. / I'm sure. / Pffft.
+What? I do.
+Oh yeah? What's his name?
+Uh, George... Cauldron.
+George Cauldron? Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle.
+That's it! Into the oven with you!
+Mmm, sugar walls.
+Father, I knew you'd rescue us!
+Oh, rescue you, stuff myself with candy... It's all good.
+Oh, that's a load-bearing candy cane, you clumsy oaf!
+Oh, that's all you got? Huh? Huh?
+Mmmm, fish. Oh no, that's me!
+Just a minute.
+Oh God no! Let me out! I couldn't be in more pain!
+Uh, hello, I'm George Cauldron. Is Suzanne ready yet?
+Almost. Just give her another twenty minutes.
+Yeah, but the concert's at eight.
+Well, we're still poor, but thanks to your father, we'll never go hungry.
+Speaking of which, how about seconds?
+Comin' up!
+Let's give Snorky a big hand!
+Woo hoo! Yay Snorky!
+Now we're gonna need a volunteer to frolic with Snorky. So raise your hand if you want--
+Pick me! / I wanna! /
+Oh, Snorky...
+Folks, we're heating up the lobster tank, so hurry on over if you wanna pet 'em before you eat 'em.
+It's okay, they're gone now. You can...
+Hey, where are you going?
+Oh, you want to be with your friends.
+It's getting away! Kill it!
+Go on! Swim to freedom! Go!
+Alcohol and night-swimming. It's a winning combination.
+Uh-oh, sharks! The assassins of the sea.
+Hey, you're not sharks, you're dolphins... The clowns of the sea.
+Ow! Ow!! Hey, what's the gag?
+Hm, bottle-nose bruises, blowhole burns... flipper prints... this looks like the work of rowdy teens. Lou, cancel the prom.
+Yarrr, it begins. The dolphins are upon us, and only this old sea dog knows how to stop the--
+... Two Krusty shakes, a donut burger with cheese and a party-size bucket of flan.
+Yes, I will have fries with that.
+Anything to get out of work.
+Our top story: Killer dolphins.
+Killer dolphins?
+The recent "wave" of murders...
+Uh, di... did I say "killer dolphins"? I meant killer Italians.
+Gray, bottle-nosed, intelligent Italians.
+Intelligent Italians? Something's wrong.
+It's dolphins! We have to stop them. If we speak in low-frequency voices, I don't think they can...
+Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem. We've gotta warn Grampa.
+Hmm. Phone's off the hook. Everything must be okay.
+I'm gonna give your liver such a punchin'.
+People, please! We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living, and scoring.
+Willie, must you do that now?
+Ach! You want streaks? 'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get.
+It's approaching the podium!
+Surely it cannot speak!
+Snorky... talk... man...
+I'm sorry, let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.
+What'd he say?
+He said dolphins used to live on the land.
+Whaaaa?!
+Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we've suffered for millions of years.
+But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping.
+We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet. Every morning I wake up phlegmy.
+Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.
+That was you?!
+It was her, all right. Take the one who wronged you.
+I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!
+Pushy Dolphins. / I don't like 'em.
+I, I, I tuned out. Where we goin'?
+Wait, stop! We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget, we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel n' eat shrimp, the glory hole, and the pudding cup. I'm not gonna let a few hoop-jumping tuna-munchers push me around!
+Geez, so many dolphins...
+Oh, no. You poor thing. Here...
+Hey, leave my daughter alone! C'mon, humans! We've wiped out entire species before. We can do it again!
+Oh, help!
+If I could just... This is really not... You're hurting my...
+C'mon lads! Let's drive them back to the ocean!
+Hey, you gotta hand it to those dolphins. They just wanted it more.
+I kinda wish I hadn't freed their leader and, you know... doomed mankind.
+Oh honey, I wouldn't say doomed. It's gonna be an adjustment, no question...
+Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show.
+Are you sure the space-phone is working?
+Hang up! They could be trying to call right now.
+I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.
+Kang and Kodos Productions. Uh huh, yes... Just a second. Do we want to do a commercial for something called Old Navy?
+Work is work.
+Here you go, boy. Soup's on.
+Hey, if you're out here, then who's in there?
+Whoa, a badger! Sorry man, you can't crash here. C'mon, let's go.
+Well boy, looks like you've got yourself a roommate.
+C'mon, Lis. There's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.
+Well, according to WhatBadgersEat.Com, "Badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles and marmots."
+Hmm... stoats, stoats...
+Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.
+Then what's this?
+That says "corn," Bart.
+Must you embarrass me?
+Here we are. "In a pinch, badgers have even been known to eat woodpeckers."
+Hey, Todd! Can we borrow your woodpecker?
+I guess so. But we need him back by six. It's his birthday.
+Ha ha ha ha ha.
+Television broken?
+No, there's a badger in there.
+Badger, my ass. It's probably Milhouse.
+Milhouse? Milhouse?
+It's a badger all right... Or possibly a griffin. Bart, do you have any dynamite in your room?
+Get it.
+No, Dad! We don't want to kill him! Let's call animal control.
+Great idea. Then we should call the doctor about this.
+How did the badger do that without ripping your shirt?
+What am I, a tailor?
+Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.
+Area code? But it's a local call.
+The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 636 area code and our half gets 939.
+939?! What the hell is that? Oh, my life is ruined.
+Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.
+Oh, if only it were that easy, Marge.
+Go away. We've got bigger problems now.
+I'm not gonna stand for this. I'm gonna call the newspapers, the TV stations, the gas stations, everybody.
+I hate this new area code. Like I don't have enough to remember already.
+Don't you miss the old 636, Carl?
+I'm not sure which one's better. The 6 is closer to the 3, so you've got convenience there, but the 9 has less to do with Satan, which is a plus in this religious world of ours.
+What really burns me up is they didn't give us one word of warning.
+What do you mean? They ran those TV commercials about it. And that big radio campaign.
+Don't forget the leaflets they dropped from the space shuttle. And the two weeks we all spent at Area Code Camp.
+Not a single word of warning.
+... and traffic's all backed up, due to a mattress on the freeway.
+A mattress?! Uh-oh. Joan Collins must be in town!
+Oh, behave!
+Joan Collins? That girl sleeps with everybody!
+Okay, time to give away freeeee concert tickets!
+Whachu talkin' 'bout?
+What we're talkin' 'bout, Gary, is the Who.
+We're giving away tickets to next week's concert at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.
+The Who? I love bands!
+And now we'll dial our big winner at random.
+DIALING... AT... RANDOMMM!
+Okay, let's start with 5-5-5...
+... 0, 1, 1... aaannnd 3.
+That's my number!
+Ahoy hoy.
+Hey, that's not me!
+Dad, we're not in their area code anymore.
+Congratulations, you're gonna rendezvous with the Who!
+It's not fair! I've been a fan of the Who since the very beginning, when they were the Hillbilly Bugger Boys.
+You should call that radio station and let 'em have it.
+Good idea.
+Why you little...
+How the hell did they find that out?
+I know that some of you are upset about the area code change... especially those of you covered with dynamite...
+First, let me reassure you your fears are groundless, and your complaints moronic.
+That's good.
+This film will explain everything to you in words that you can understand.
+Hi. I'm Phoney McRingring, mascot and president of the telephone company. And I'm here to explain why the convenience of one area code in...
+Your town.
+... has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.
+Uh, I have a question, Phoney.
+It's a movie, Dad.
+Quiet, honey. Daddy's asking the man a question.
+You're probably thinking, "Sure, more area codes are great, and I don't mind paying the extra hidden fees, but how will I remember all those numbers?"
+Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize ten numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey?
+How big of a monkey?
+Of course you're not.
+Well I'm convinced. A professional- looking film like that has gotta be right.
+I agree. Two area codes is more convenient.
+I like it.
+Wait a minute! We haven't heard from me yet. The nut with the dynamite. The phone company is bamboozling you!
+I accuse the phone company of making that film on purpose!
+Well of course we did...
+Now, I'm not one to make trouble... but it seems to me that everyone who got to keep the old, or "classic" 636 area code, lives on... the rich side of town!
+Poppycock!
+I never!
+And as usual, we Joe Twelve-Packs get the royal screw job.
+Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special.
+/ He's right. / We're gettin' it but good.
+Well, I've had it! You rich snobs aren't pushin' us around anymore!
+What are you pathetic slobs gonna do about it?
+Well, I...
+Nice wiring, Bart.
+It worked on the test-corpse.
+Okay, Plan B. Fellow 9-3-9'ers, I say we break off and form our own city!
+Yeah! / Our own city! / Screw the snobs! / Yeah, let's go!
+Viva la revolución!
+Now who's stupid?
+There. We're officially a city. Now we just sit back and wait for an NFL franchise.
+Say, I couldn't help but overhear. I represent the Arizona Cardinals...
+Keep walkin'
+Good decision there, Homer. You showed a lot of poise.
+Yeah, maybe you oughta be Mayor of New Springfield.
+Mayor, eh?
+The Mayor... Starring Homer Simpson.
+I reluctantly accept this highly-paid, glamorous job.
+Presenting our new plaque. I say the time for bitterness has passed. Let us extend to our brothers in New Springfield the olive branch of...
+New Springfield rocks!
+Go ahead and laugh! We have a better town bird!
+Oh yeah? What is it?
+The bluebird.
+Damnit!
+More wheat cakes, Mr. Mayor?
+Read my lips: Yes.
+Dad, you got syrup on your sash.
+No problem.
+If you ask me...
+Stop right there.
+... it's stupid to divide the city over something as silly as an area code. It would be like you and mom splitting up every time you have a fight.
+Sweetie, you know your mother and I only stay together for the sake of my political career.
+That's not true.
+Big grins!
+That'll play great in the sticks.
+Oh, that was fifty already?
+Go long!
+Hey, look what I found! A novelty flying disc!
+Give it back! That's my novelty flying disc.
+You're in Olde Springfield now. Everything on this side of the park belongs to us.
+Hey, his pants are in our park, too.
+Get 'em!
+My homework is in your park.
+Let's do it!
+What does freedom mean to me?
+All right, root beer, bananas and toilet paper... Fifty percent Out-of-towners' Tax...
+Out-of-towner Tax?!
+I'm sorry Mrs. Simpson, but we have to charge you foreign devils more.
+All right, but this better be the best toilet paper I've ever had.
+Oh, no worries there. That's Henderson's Toilet Paper!
+Ooh, why didn't you say so? Hey, is there a bathroom here?
+Not for you.
+I don't know why, but I just didn't feel comfortable until I was back here in New Springfield, with my own kind.
+They were looking at me. With their eyes.
+As expected, New Springfield's bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster.
+Hey, the TV man is talking about us!
+A study shows their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work.
+Scientists say they are also less attractive physically. And while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use lowbrow expressions, like "oh yeah?" and "c'mere a minute."
+Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute.
+You c'mere a minute.
+Oh yeah?
+Dad, I don't think this is such a good idea.
+Thank you, Marge. Now, let's see how Olde Snobfield does without electricity.
+Woo hoo!
+Oh no, you can't do heart surgery in the dark.
+Sounds like a wager to me.
+I'll take a piece of that.
+I will now transport Sir Isaac Newton into the modern day.
+Warning. Power failure.
+Oh, sweet glayvin!
+Sir Isaac's legs are hurting.
+In retaliation for the power outage, Olde Springfield patriots have intercepted a beer truck bound for New Springfield and dumped all the beer in the river.
+Those rich, snobby Indians.
+Oh, there's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
+I don't know. Vengeance is pretty good.
+Woo hoo! Flood from water!
+They've got us now. Without water, we're doomed.
+Wait a minute. That gold-colored substance in the riverbed...
+Why that's gold!
+We're slightly richer!
+Eureka!
+With the money made from the gold, Olde Springfield was able to buy the Evian water factory and fly it over here from France.
+Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you, we're all taking golden showers.
+We can't go on fighting with Olde Springfield. These people are our neighbors. We see them every day.
+You're right. We've got to block them from our sight with a giant wall.
+Like the one in Berlin?
+Good idea. We should call the guys they used.
+Homer...
+It's ringing.
+And I'd like to thank Low Ball Construction for building this amazing wall... From ninety percent recycled materials.
+I'm so conflicted.
+'Bout what?
+Loyal citizens of New Springfield. You stayed on my side of town despite a total lack of hospitals and schools, and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all.
+How will we get our food? All the roads are blocked.
+Don't worry, we have plenty of supplies to get through tomorrow. And then a wave of disease should help to -- hey!
+Stop streaming over the wall! At least wait till I'm through talking.
+Okay, now as for food, the following breeds of dog are edible...
+Bye Homer.
+I can't believe all those rats fled my town.
+Guess it's just us and the tumbleweeds.
+Well, Dad, you're mayor of a ghost town.
+I can't believe those traitors abandoned us. They couldn't take one lousy famine.
+Dad, you're bleeding.
+No problem.
+Anyhow, those rats'll come crawling back...
+We've got the Who playing here tonight.
+Dad, the arena's in Olde Springfield.
+Don't give up, Dad. Maybe we can get The Who to play here instead.
+Hey, maybe we could. But we'll need some liquid persuasion.
+C'mon, Bart. We're gonna bring back The Who.
+Can I help you?
+Dad, the chloroform!
+Huh? Oh, right.
+I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to The Who.
+Oh, so you want to see The Who, huh? Well I'll take you to The Who.
+Here's your Who.
+I thought we fired that guard.
+Oh, yeah, right. I got fired by The Who. Whatever you say, pal. Wack-o...
+Wow, The Who!
+Woo! Rock 'n' roll!
+What the hell are you doing?!
+Duh. Trashin' the hotel room.
+But we promised the desk clerk we'd be good.
+Yeah, we don't want to lose our pool privileges.
+Whatever. The point is, I'm Homer Simpson.
+The mayor of New Springfield?
+That's right.
+The crazy mayor of New Springfield?
+That's right. And I implore you to move your concert to our town. Don't play Olde Springfield, or as it is sometimes known, Sun City.
+But we have a handshake agreement with a concert promoter. And that's a sacred bond.
+Sacred bond.
+C'mon, what happened to the angry, defiant Who of "My Generation," "Won't Get Fooled Again," and "Mama's Got a Squeeze Box"?
+We know our songs, Homer.
+But those Olde Springfield squares are just gonna make you cut your hair, turn down your music and wear frilly shirts like Keith Partridge.
+Keith Partridge?
+Who Huddle.
+We'll do it.
+Just send a cab for us.
+Somethin' wrong with your legs?
+You're right. The walk will do us good.
+I opened for the Who at Woodstock! I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed, his exact words.
+I never tire of that story.
+Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square.
+Uh, that crease is in your leg, Sir.
+Oh, so it is.
+Hmm, it's not like the Who to be tardy. I'm worried.
+What's that?
+Yarrr! 'Tis the Who! By my reckoning they're in the scurvy depths of New Springfield.
+Homer stole our rock performance. That fat, dumb and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.
+Who's ready to riot?!
+I WON'T GET TO GET WHAT I'M AFTER / 'TIL THE DAY I DIE!
+How ya doin' out there, New Springfield?
+To be honest, it's a little chilly.
+Get outta the way, Marge.
+We were expecting a bigger crowd.
+Oh, don't worry. They'll be here soon. And then they'll see who's got the better town.
+Now these are the tunes I want you boys to play.
+Wait a minute. Homer, a lot of these are Grand Funk Railroad songs.
+And we don't know "Pacman Fever."
+Oh, c'mon, it plays itself. "Pacman Fever / A do do do do / It's driving me crazy." Look Lisa, Daddy's in the Who!
+Give us back our concert, Simpson!
+So, New Springfield's lookin' pretty good now, isn't it? With our ample parking and daily Who concerts.
+We'll talk.
+All right, enough chit chat. Let's see how ya like flaming garbage!
+Ha-ha. You hit the tire fire! You'll have to do...
+Why me?
+People, please! What's all this fightin' about?
+Apparently, they have two different area codes.
+Well, I'll be chuggered! That's the sticky wicket? Why not just buy telephones with auto ring-up? Or as you Yanks call it, speed-dial.
+Radio Shack has some great ones.
+Uh, says you.
+"Magic Bus"!
+Yeah! / "Magic Bus"!
+Okay, we'll play "Magic Bus" if you tear down this wall.
+"Pinball Wizard"!
+Oh hell, I'll do it myself...
+Well Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over.
+My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea...
+This watermelon won't know what hit it.
+I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.
+Don't you two have a list of chores to do?
+Hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden.
+Yeah, we're heroes... But where's our parade?
+All right. "Open stuck drawer..." All-righty.
+Eh, it's hopeless.
+Or is it?
+Yeah, it's hopeless.
+I said, or is it?
+I said, it's... Ohhh...
+Homer, what are you doing?!
+Listen, do you want the job done right or do you want it done fast?
+Well, like all Americans, fast.
+Well, you can't argue with results...
+Ooo, baby.
+Oh, don't worry. You'll be sleeping in this beautiful new doghouse. Target date: January, 2007.
+And now, the grand finale... "Get Lisa's jammed tape out of VCR."
+Oop, wait a minute...
+Fire in the hole!
+Hmm. It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.
+What's going on here?
+Uh, honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
+Oh, yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room.
+Oh Lisa, this must be a rough time for you. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with?
+You've ruined all my stuff.
+Oh, come on. Tell us how we can make it up to you. Hey, pretend it's your birthday.
+It is my birthday.
+That's the spirit. Now, what do you want to do?
+Well, the Book Festival starts today...
+Anything at all. You name it. What do you want to do?
+Stupid Lisa.
+Hear ye, hear ye! One dollar off on all poetry books!
+Their hands were everywhere.
+Hello, Simpsons. Care to try a sample from my new cookbook... "Someone's in the Kitchen with Jesus"?
+Mmmm, these StigMuffins are to die for!
+I finally found my daddy.
+Ooh, if you like that, you should try Mary Magdalene's Chocolate Orgasm.
+So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
+Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
+Oh, that's too bad.
+I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and Green Mountain men... and that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of Hell!
+Well, let me know when you get back to horror.
+Will do.
+With my "Info-Cram 6000", you can absorb books instantly by attaching this electrode to the brainpan and this one to the... loins.
+Tolstoy... searing... brain... Isaac...
+With my diet, you can eat all you want, any time you want.
+And you'll lose weight?
+You might! It's a free country!
+Finally, books for today's busy idiot. "Network Programming for Dummies"... "Christianity for Dummies"... "Mo"-- "Moby Dick?"... "Call me Ishmael, Dummy."
+How did you write all these books?
+Duh, I dunno. Me gotta go to bank now.
+Look, Maggie. Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon!"
+...Goodnight room... Goodnight moon... Goodnight cow jumping over the moon...
+Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching. You in the red, chop, chop.
+I think I just seltzered myself.
+All right, does anyone have a question for our panel that's not about how much money they make?
+Uh, yeah, I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know: is the B-2 bomber more detectable when it rains?
+Ho, ho, what do you think, Tom Clancy?
+Well, the B-2...
+No, no, no. I was asking Maya Angelou.
+The ebony fighter awakens / Dappled with the dewy beads of morn.
+Maya Angelou is black?!
+It is a Mach 5 child, forever bound to suckle / From the shriveled breast of Congress.
+Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure!
+Ms. Tan, I loved "The Joy Luck Club". It really showed me how the mother-daughter bond can triumph over adversity.
+No. That's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong.
+Please, just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us.
+Book writing, what a scam, huh! It's only twenty pages long, and this guy wrote it for me!
+What's your name again?
+John Updike.
+Whoa, whoa. I didn't ask for your life story.
+So, you really know Krusty? What's he like?
+Oh, he's wonderful. He would do anything for his fans.
+Hurry up, kid!
+Hey, it's me, Bart. Your biggest fan?
+Hey, good for you, 'cause I wanna...
+"K. the C."?
+Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day. Now, if you could, up bup bup bup bup bup bup... ...Yeah.
+My name is Sophie.
+Hey, good luck with that.
+I'm your daughter!
+Whaaa?!
+Idiots.
+Shut up, Updike.
+Listen, honey, a lot of kids think of me as their daddy. But I'm just a simple TV legend. Here, have a keychain.
+No, I'm sure you're my father. You met my mom during the Gulf War.
+Uh, was your mother an Israeli flight attendant?
+Cokie Roberts?
+No, she was a soldier. Chestnut brown hair, kind of shy, thirty-two confirmed kills...
+Oh, boy. Now it's comin' back to me.
+Saddam Hussein? They should call him So-damn Insane!
+Hey! You're just fanning the flames of hatred!
+Yeah, yeah. Heh, heh, heh... Now, just when you thought the desert couldn't get any hotter: It's the Cincinnati Bengal cheerleaders!
+Hey, I can't look at that! I have a girlfriend back home!
+This is an insult to our Muslim hosts!
+During the show, a desert wind kicked up.
+I sought shelter in a nearby tent.
+There was your mother, looking like a beautiful mirage.
+Maybe it was the anthrax in the air. Maybe it was the fact the Arab women weren't bitin'. Whatever it was, it was magic...
+We slept late into the morning. And then...
+My God! I'm late for my mission!
+Here's your mission: get down with the clown!
+No, not now! I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam!
+Wait a minute! You can't kill Saddam! He's half my act!
+I just saved my baseball bit. "Who's Sayin's" on first, "Iya Tol'ya's" on second and...
+You - stupid - clown!
+When I came to, she was gone and the war had been over for eight months. Anyway, how'd you finally find me?
+All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown. So I typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine, and your name popped right up.
+It's Mom.
+Hey, how ya been? Remember me?
+You'd better get going. It was nice meeting ya. Thanks for coming out.
+But I was hoping, maybe we could do some stuff together, like go to the beach and junk.
+Look, you're a sweet kid, but I'm not exactly father material. I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people... I...
+What's wrong with your eyes? You need a Claritin or something?
+All right. You get one trip to the beach... with my assistant.
+Okay, I'll take you.
+Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and did you hear about Krusty? Whoa, man! I mean, I knew he was a player, but geez, a kid?
+Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
+Fine, I'll just discuss heavenly matters. So, how's Maude Flanders doin' up there? She playin' the field? Ooh... yeah, really? All those guys? Amen.
+Okay, kid. There's the water, knock yourself out.
+C'mon, Dad. Let's go body surfing. Or boogie boarding.
+Listen, kid. I'm not the kind of dad who you know, does things, or says stuff, or looks at you. But the love is there.
+Where are you? Give Daddy a clue...
+Oh, that's my girl.
+Okay, you just sit there and I'll throw the Frisbee to you.
+I gotta sit up now? What am I, Baryshnikov?
+Hey, you beat me. What a great day we've had, huh?
+You know, for a clown, you're not really a lot of fun.
+Boy, fatherhood is one tough gig. I don't get how other guys do it.
+Ready, switch!
+Hey, uh, careful, boys. That arch is lookin' a little Romanesque.
+Sorry, Daddy. How should I punish myself?
+No, son. You let 'em finish, then you smash it.
+That's a good boy.
+Mush, Homer, mush!
+Catch, Dad, catch!
+Okay, that stings Daddy's eyes, honey.
+Mm, I think I've found my mentor.
+You know, Homer, I've spent my whole life entertaining kids, and I just realized I don't know the first thing about 'em.
+Well, I won't lie. Fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Except for some mag wheels. Oh, man, that would be sweet.
+Dad! Dad!
+Just a second, honey. Daddy's on his high horse.
+Daaaad!
+Yeah, I'm watching, honey. Nice cannonball. Anyhoo, the key to fathering is don't over-think. 'Cause over-thinking is... What were we talking about? Ooh, a clown.
+Kid, I gotta admit, you're startin' to grow on me.
+Same here, Dad. It's nice that you don't always have to be "on."
+I thought I was on. When was I off? That bit about the tide pool? I tell ya, it killed at Jacque Cousteau's funeral..
+Dad, relax. Just enjoy the sunset.
+Hey, I know that song. My dad used to play that when I was a boy. It's beautiful.
+Do you play?
+Nah. I guess musical talent skips a generation... like diabetes. You might want to watch out for that, too.
+Mom, I had the best time. Can Dad come in for milk and cookies?
+Why I'd love to...
+Hasta la mocha... That's okay. I think I'll go somewhere friendlier. Like beautiful downtown Grozny.
+My little girl's sharp as a tack. I tried the "got your nose" bit on her -- didn't fool her for a second.
+My uncle still has my nose.
+Oh, what a lousy hand. I'll stand.
+I raise two G's.
+I'm out.
+Fold-o-rama.
+Can we make this hand high-low?
+I fold.
+Krusty, are you in or are you out?
+Oh man, I'm totally tapped. Would you consider taking my Rolex?
+You mean this one?
+Oh yeah, right. Just let me go to my car.
+A WEEMA-WAY, A WEEMA-WAY, A WEEMA-WAY, A WEEMA-WAY, A-WEEM...
+Don't do that.
+Let's see, sweater... custom floor mat... the stereo!
+Theft alert. Deploy airbag.
+Best hand of my life, and I can't even... Huh?
+Sophie's violin!
+Oh no, I couldn't...
+DO IT...
+DO IT...
+DO IT...
+DO IT...
+SHE'LL NEVER KNOW...
+Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value is through the roof.
+It is acceptable.
+Then I'm in, and I call!
+Four aces. Read 'em and we...
+Straight flush.
+Oh, no, no. You can't! My daughter will never forgive me!
+Oh, wait. Now I can do it for real.
+Hey, hey, Dad!
+Hey-hey! Now, look, Sophie. I know you think your daddy's perfect...
+No I don't.
+...but I did a bad thing. I lost your violin in a poker game.
+You what?
+But don't worry. I got you an even better one!
+This is a ukulele!
+Yeah, the thinking man's violin. Check it out!
+I WANNA GO BACK / TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK / IN KAY-A-LA-KE-KUA, HAWAII!
+I want my violin.
+But honey, I...
+I can't believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
+Wait, time out. Four aces is not a gamble.
+Mom was right. I was better off not knowing you.
+Word on the street is you dumped Dawson.
+He's history, Jenda. Wait'll he sees me with that new exchange student.
+Hola, Harmony. Que es el dilly-yo?
+I'm all for ethnic diversity, but this is just pandering.
+Maybe so, but Dawson's gonna be bummed.
+You gotta help me! My daughter found out I'm a jerk!
+Oh, Krusty. I'm sure she just needs time to get used to you.
+Marge, may I play devil's advocate for a moment?
+Sure, go ahead.
+C'mon! Get in there!
+Stupid game! Now, what were we talking about?
+My daughter's violin!
+Oh, right. Why don't we just break into Fat Tony's compound and get it back?
+Really? You'd help me take on the mob?
+For a casual acquaintance like you? Absolutely.
+It's some kinda mafia summit! Every mob family in the country's here: the Cuomos, the Travoltas, the Lasordas, the Boy-ar-dees...
+This is perfect! If I know Fat Tony, which I don't, he'll be distracted by his hosting duties. Come on.
+Hey, I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up.
+Nah, for me it's solar or nothin'.
+Welcome to my home. To answer your first question... yes, we do have pasta.
+Hey, all right. / I like pasta. / That's good.
+If you need money laundered, just set it outside your door. You can pick it up in the morning.
+Whoa, hey. / Good. /
+Now, some unpleasant news. I have learned that someone in this room is a squealer.
+We've narrowed it down to either Johnny Tightlips or Frankie the Squealer.
+Okay, it's me... I can't help it. I just like squealin'. It makes me feel big!
+All right. / Come on, you're history.
+That violin's gotta be around here somewhere.
+Had enough, Squealer?
+Did you know Fat Tony's real name is Marion?
+You just don't get it, do ya?
+It's gonna take forever to go through all these!
+I have a plan.
+Well, that didn't work.
+Hey Legs, let's go jump on Tony's bed.
+We gotta get outta here. Just take 'em all!
+Then it's decided. Our website name will be crime dot org.
+I think we're in the clear.
+Homer, I've got it!
+Johnny Tightlips, where'd they hit ya?
+I ain't sayin' nuthin'.
+But what do I tell the doctor?
+Tell him to suck a lemon.
+You did it! You got it back!
+Thanks, Dad.
+"Dad." That still sounds weird to me. But I'm glad we're friends again.
+And you've lined the case with money! Small bills, unmarked and non-sequential.
+Holy simoleons, there must be five grand in there! Oh, which I intentionally put in for you, you lucky little homantashen...
+Come on, how about a tune for the old man?
+That's him! That's the one! Homer Simpson!
+I said I was sorry.
+Oh, all right. / Fair enough. / He's a class act.
+Sorry you're such jerks! Ha, ha!
+Ow! That Bullet went in.
+Five... four...three... two... one. Well, that's all the time we have. So long, kids!
+"Krusty the Clown" is brought to you by the new GameStation 256. It's slightly faster... to the maaaaax!
+Two-fifty-six?
+And I'm stuck with this useless two-fifty-two?
+Don't destroy me! I can still make you happy! To the maxxx!
+Here's a headline for Jay. "Ketchup Truck Hits Hamburger Stand."
+Mom, can I have two hundred bucks for a two-fifty-six K GameStation? That's less than a dollar a K!
+Oh, I might be able to help you...
+With a song about thrift!
+WHEN YOU GET A PENNY FROM A CHUM / DON'T JUST BUY SOME BUBBLE GUM! PUT IT IN YOUR CAP! PUT IT IN YOUR CAP! WHEN YOU FIND A NICKEL IN THE SNOW / DON'T JUST BLOW IT ON A PICTURE SHOW PUT IT IN YOUR CAP / PUT IT IN YOUR CAP...
+I don't have a cap.
+WHEN YOU SPY A QUARTER IN A PIE...
+You want money? Get a job, like your old man.
+Well, maybe I should.
+So, now you're smarter than your old man, eh?
+I guess.
+I like your attitude. Take what you need.
+Nice day's work, kid. This is for you...
+You're paying me in hair?
+What are you, insane?
+Man I need a job.
+You need job? I have job for you.
+You take these.
+You hang Thai menu on door. I get more business. Send daughters to small liberal arts college. Swarthmore, maybe Sarah Lawrence. Call professors by first name... Ha! Dynamite!
+Hang 'em on the door. Got it.
+Hey, hey, no menus! Or I'll cut ya like a box -- along the flaps!
+You quitta! Quitta boy! Quitta boy!
+I'm sorry.
+Now restaurant fail. Children go to state college. Serious students powerless against drunken jockocracy. Baseball hats everywhere!
+Hey man, this job is too dangerous.
+Menu boy no be coward, like shrimp. Menu boy be brave, like prawn.
+Menu boy must move silently, like ghost. Leave no footprint, only lunch specials.
+What a waste...
+There you go, little fish.
+Bart, do you know how many trees died to make those menus?
+I'unno. A million?
+You're ruining the earth.
+True, but I gots to get paid. Money equals funny, sister.
+No, of course not.
+Bart, it's so sweet of you to take the family out to Krustyburger.
+Hey, some people in this family are do-ers, and some are don't-ers.
+Don't you call me a--
+Take that, Lisa's beliefs.
+Oh, how cute! Kids, look who's on the roof!
+I knew this day would come. The cows are taking back what's theirs.
+No, I think they're protesters.
+Hey, there are cows on the roof. I thought my pager was busted.
+Get back in. It's only funny with a small car.
+Take down the clown! / Take down the clown!
+Listen, I'm on your side! Let's get a dialogue going!
+Take out the mother cow. The rest will follow.
+Your corporation cuts down the rainforest to create grazing land for cattle!
+Oh, for the luvva... gimme that!
+No, you can't!
+Don't worry honey, they're just firing beanbags.
+You can't silence the truth with beanbags!
+That's nice work with the bag-zooka.
+You gotta love what you do, Chief.
+Are you all right?
+I've had worse.
+In New Orleans, they hosed us with Tabasco.
+Oh, you're so heroic.
+All right, cow-boy. I'll see you in mooo-nicipal court.
+Good one, chief.
+What? What'd I say?
+I can't believe how young he is. He'd be cute if he weren't so idealistic.
+Look, Marge! I'm in a limo! The Simpsons are going to Paris!
+Well, we might have an opening at the Poser level...
+The eco-radical group "Dirt First" staged a daring protest today at Krustyburger. Krusty the Clown has issued the following statement: "This, I don't need."
+The group is led by teenage activist Jesse Grass -- a dreadlocked dreamboat who's Birken-stock is on the rise.
+Bor-ing!
+Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel.
+Dad, change it back!
+Yeah, that was the boy Lisa likes.
+No I don't!
+Lisa and Jesse, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!
+Shut up!
+First comes love, then comes, um... Dammit, I know this.
+I'd like to visit a prisoner.
+Yeah, sure.
+Aren't you coming with me?
+Hey, I get enough flaming toilet paper thrown on me at home.
+Fire in the hole!
+You do yoga?
+Yeah, but I started before it was cool.
+My name's Lisa Simpson. I think your protest was incredibly brave.
+Thank you. This planet needs every friend it can get.
+Oh, the earth is the best. That's why I'm a vegetarian.
+Well, that's a start.
+Well, um, I was thinking of going vegan!
+Uh, yeah, I'm a level five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.
+Wow. Um... I started an organic compost pile at home.
+Only at home? You mean you don't pocket-mulch?
+Oh, it's so decomposed! Do you think I could join Dirt First?
+Oh, thank you, thank you!
+Have a good time at your hippie club.
+You're welcome to come, too.
+No, I like to save the environment in my own way.
+Mmm... donuts.
+I am happy to report we've succeeded in blocking the St. Patrick's Day Parade, which every year, steps on several lizards.
+Right on! / Yeah! /
+Don't celebrate yet. The mayor had a secret tree auction last night.
+What am I bid for the logging rights to Springfield's oldest redwood tree?
+Thirty thousand dollars. To make cages for animal experimentation.
+Fifty thousand. For Thai menus. Daughter on wait list at Bennington.
+A hundred thousand simoleons. To make the world's first drive-thru humidor.
+Uh, sold! To the Rich Texan!
+Yee haw / Yippee / Yi ki yi yaa / Woo doggie! / Ya-ha-hoo! / Etc.
+Thanks to Caleb for the tape. How'd you sneak that camera in?
+I got my ways.
+They can't cut down that sequoia if one of us is living in it! Any volunteers?
+I'll do it! / Yeah! / I am so there. / Etc.
+Whoa, hold on. Once you're up there, you can't come down. Not for a Phish concert... Not even for Burning Man.
+Well, someone will hear the call.
+And whoever does will have a place in my heart.
+Sheesh, look at these refugees. How 'bout a smile?
+They've undergone terrible hardships.
+Well, moping won't make it better.
+Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing.
+Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash.
+We don't have a stash.
+Oh, I didn't think it would be so high... Maybe I could just circulate a petition...
+Oh, I'll show you.
+Well, this looks like a good place to set up camp.
+Wow, what a view.
+Gentlemen, start your chain saws.
+Not so fast!
+Now you come down from there, Missy!
+I won't come down till you spare this tree!
+Hang in there, Laura!
+It's Lisa!
+Right, Lisa! You're hard core!
+He said I was hard core.
+Oh, no. My baby's up there!
+It's okay, Mom! I have a safety line!
+This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby Sherman-style good looks. No girl could resist your charms.
+This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.
+I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.
+All right! A care bucket.
+Hot Thai soup! Ohhh, Bart... "Dear Lisa. You rock! Mom is calling rescue agencies. Dad is building a giant ladder, but it is of poor quality. We miss you, Bart." Awww.
+It's day four for Springfield's li'l-est tree hugger. Excuse me, that's littlest tree hugger. And whether you love or hate her politics, you've gotta go gawk at this crazy, idiot.
+Oh, seven o'clock. The family's just sitting down to dinner.
+You call that saying grace?!
+Now they're making popcorn...
+And hanging Christmas stockings!
+And coloring Easter eggs!
+Oh, I can't take it! Would it be so bad if I just went home for an hour?
+Don't worry, I'll be right back.
+Ew, someone's been marking their territory.
+Hey, everybody! I...
+I'll just rest here for a minute.
+Ooh, it's morning. I gotta get back!
+Oh, no.
+Oh Mom, those loggers chopped down the tree! Why did I have to leave my post?
+Now honey, let's turn on the news and forget our troubles.
+Springfield's oldest resident has died. No, it wasn't Mr. Burns... it was this majestic old redwood, which was brutally cut down last night. Not by loggers, but by lightning.
+Lightning?! Well, at least it wasn't my fault.
+Lightning attracted by this metal bucket.
+Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson.
+I'm afraid it doesn't look good, Kent. We found her sleeping bag.
+Right here. Our working theory is that the lightning exploded her. Back to you, Kent.
+You don't get to say that.
+Goodbye, Lisa. We'll miss you.
+Oh no, Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back. Unless...
+Dad, I'm not dead!
+Oh, praise God, you're alive! Unless...
+Oh my, they made you a shrine!
+I loved Lisa Simpson, loved her like a shrub. And I would give anything to see her sweet face again.
+But in death, she will do more for our cause than she ever could have done in life.
+Uh-huh. In Texas, we do tragedy right. That's why, in memory of that poor little girl, I'm turning this entire forest into the "Lisa Simpson Wilderness Preserve."
+We won, Lisa. We finally won! This is for you.
+He cut off his favorite dread!
+We have to tell them you're not dead.
+No, Mom. It's a memorial forest now. If I'm alive, they'll cut it down!
+You are not pretending to be dead, young lady. This family has had nothing but bad luck when it comes to farce.
+Homer, it's Neddy. I baked you a little something to ease the pain.
+Oh, must hide Lisa...!
+Come i-in!
+So Bart, our school policy is to give students in your situation straight A's.
+Get out! What's the catch?
+The tragic loss of your sister.
+Ah, yes. Ghastly business, that.
+Grieving father, comin' through...
+Homer, ah, booze is on the house, seeing as how Lisa is, ah,... how do I put this... uh, ridin' the midnight train to slab city.
+Thanks for the beer, Moe. But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear.
+Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me, I want you to tear up my dad's tab, and pour cocktail onions... Dad, I can't--
+Read it!
+... pour cocktail onions down your pants.
+Well, I ain't never said no to a dead girl yet.
+And now, Branford Marsalis will play, using Lisa's very own saxophone.
+Don't touch it! They can clone her from the spit!
+Good luck, Milhouse.
+And finally, an exciting announcement from our good friends at Omni-Pave.
+Folks, last night the dear, departed Lisa came to me in a dream. And she told me her fondest wish was that this forest would become the world's rootin'est, tootin'est, pollutin'est amusement park!
+That was Lisa's tree!
+/ Amusement park?!
+You promised us a nature preserve!
+Now, don't you fret. We're sensitive to all your eco-concerns.
+That's it, boys! The gift shop will go right there. Yee-ha, cut it down! Ha ha.
+A g-g-g-girl!
+I'm not dead! And neither is my sense of moral outrage.
+Oh, here we go.
+Sir, have you no shame?
+Clearly, I don't.
+Now, get your heinie offa Lisa Land!
+A redwood is not a promotional tool!
+Good Lord! He's cutting the guide wire!
+Nice work, tree! Now, return to me!
+Oh, right. I don't have super powers. Just yet.
+Sweet! It's headed for the business district!
+Not my company!
+Nooo! It was finger Ling-Ling good!
+Yee ha! Score one for the bad guys!
+Hey, Lisa!
+Aw, Jesse. They locked you up again.
+Yeah, but I'm still fightin' for the earth. I even got 'em to install a solar-powered electric chair.
+And for the first time in my life, education was the answer.
+Dude, we've been here all morning. Could you at least re-moisten my head sponge?
+Well, I'll write you letters. On rice paper, with a soy pencil!
+Aw, you're sweet.
+Hey, did they ever stop that log?
+Not yet.
+Wassup wi' that?
+THIS LOG IS YOUR LOG / THIS LOG IS MY LOG / WHEN LIGHTNING STRUCK IT / IT KICKED THE BUCKET...
+I POURED SOME ONIONS / INSIDE MY TROUSERS...
+THIS LOG IT USED TO BE A TREE. NOW IT SPREADS LOVE TO YOU AND ME. HEY LOOK IT'S HEADING OUT TO SEA...
+HAPPY FIRST "A", BART SIMPSON! / HAPPY FIRST "A" TO YOU!
+Thank you, thank you!
+Now that our son is an honor student, I'm going to get one of those bumper stickers that informs strangers of that fact.
+Just a cotton-pickin' minute. I've been getting A's since Gymboree.
+Well, what do you want, a medal?
+You gave Bart one.
+Love you.
+An "A" in astronomy. How'd you do it?
+I just buckled down and studied.
+No, really.
+Well, it all started last week in Krabappel's class...
+I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard to create an unholy super-creature... when I saw an even worse crime against nature.
+Ah, head-lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private "cootie call."
+You talk too much. Let's do it on Martin's desk.
+It is usually the cleanest.
+I needed to get my mind on something else. Anything else.
+Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars...
+C'mon, Edna, don't be tardy!
+Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto...
+So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my brain. It was like a whole different kind of cheating.
+Well, we couldn't be prouder.
+Excuse me, sir. Your credit card has been rejected.
+Deadbeat. Deadbeat. Deadbeat.
+Oh, how embarrassing. Well, let me just give you one of my many other valid...
+THEY'RE GETTING AWAY / STOP THEM, MARY-KAY!
+Okay, so we can't pay for your precious food. What are you gonna do about it?
+VA LA BAMBA / VA LA BAMBA...
+Can we go now?
+No, no. Your playing, while technically proficient, lacks passion.
+Fine. You want passion? I'll give you passion.
+BLUE SPANISH EYES / TEARDROPS ARE FALLING FROM YOUR SPANISH EYES...
+When did this happen? When did we become the bottom rung of society?
+I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hoboes.
+Dad, what happened to the back seat?
+I had to sell it for gas money.
+Which I spent on a novelty horn.
+Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.
+Financial panther, eh?
+Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
+Get him, Sheeba!
+I'm on board.
+You haven't set aside anything for the future.
+Eh, you know how it is with cops. I'll get shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it "ret-irony."
+What if you don't get shot?
+What a terrible thing to say. Now look, you made my wife cry.
+Well, I see you have several mortgages, credit card debt, no savings, and you're supporting your father?
+Just give the word, and I'll cut him off.
+I couldn't ask you to do that.
+Consider it done.
+Based on these figures, I'm afraid you'll need to declare bankruptcy... several times. Just look at this projection.
+Marge, your posture looks terrible.
+What's interesting is, you'll continue losing money even after you're dead. Your gravesites will go untended and vandalized.
+Haw haw!
+Mr. Simpson, your intelligence profile indicates that you're too "stupid" to stick to a budget.
+Yes, go on...
+So let me put this simply: you need more money.
+But how do I get it?
+I'm a financial planner, not a financial consultant. Now I'd like my fee, please.
+I know you're not a deaf-mute, Mr. Simpson. We've been talking for the last twenty minutes.
+Uh, sir, I have a small personal request.
+Oh, of course, Smithers. Anything.
+I disabled the button, sir. Anyway, I need some time off. As you know, I've been writing a musical about the Malibu Stacy doll.
+A show about a doll? Why not write a musical about the common cat? Or the King of Siam? Give it up, Smithers.
+Actually, sir, we've been booked into a small theater in New Mexico.
+Whoa, whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a New Mexico?
+Yes. I want to go there and make my dream come true. I'll just be gone for a week.
+Oh, fine. I can amuse myself.
+Curses! It's jammed.
+Hi-larious.
+Well, with the old ball and chain gone, maybe I can finally have a little fun at the office.
+Bah! A candy shop. Yes, I'll take two pounds of Bristol's toffee. Ooh, and don't wrap it too tightly - I'm hungry now!
+You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend.
+Wow, I never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer.
+Oh, I concur. Word-a-day calendar.
+I'm just trying to work up the courage to ask Burns for a raise. Or a highly-paid internship. Something to solve my money woes.
+Hmm, this must be some sort of cafetorium.
+Ah, here's your chance, Homer. Mr. Burns just "entered" the room.
+Hmmm. What is this? Some kind of force-field around these vegetables.
+That's the sneeze guard. You have to lean under it to get salad or sneeze on stuff.
+Everything's so green and alive!
+Mr. Burns... I was wondering if I could get a raise.
+What kind of a raise?
+Whopping?
+I see. You have thirty seconds to wow me.
+Well, sir... you see, sir... I've worked here a long time, and my wife has a game leg, and my kids have game things as well...
+I don't want to hear your whining. I'm a bored and joyless old man, give me a laugh!
+A laugh? Okay, let's see, what's in the news today?...
+Oh, for the love of... Hurl this at that.
+At Lenny? But he's a war hero!
+Well, let's decorate him then.
+Right, Chief.
+Not even for four dollars?
+My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!
+That was capital - my lung is aching.
+I liked when I threw the pudding.
+Do it again! I'll make it an even eight.
+You're the boss.
+I'm in Hell!
+Let's keep the laughs coming, eh, Simpson? What say I make you my Executive In Charge Of Recreation -- No, no, better yet, my Prank Monkey.
+Will you keep giving me money?
+I can't have my little monkey running around in rags.
+Woo hoo!
+What are you doing, man? That's Carl! Let me help you.
+All right, prank monkey, let's make mischief.
+Ninety eight, ninety nine, one hundred. Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy.
+Look at that Comic Book Fellow calmly eating candy like a Spaniard. Time for monkey to shine.
+I'd like to buy a mint condition "Spider-Man Number One," please.
+And I'd like an hour on the Holodeck with Seven of Nine.
+Saturn's rings! Let me get that for you.
+Paper bag, or triple mylar?
+Uh, no thanks. I'll just eat it here.
+Oh... NO!... What are you doing?
+Good... fair!... poor!!...
+Oh, that was uproarious. First-rate job, monkey!
+Do I get paid now?
+Oh, where are my manners? There.
+You're so much more fun than Smithers. Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay."
+SOLD SEPARATELY / SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN SOLD SEPARATELY / BUT OUT-OF-THE-BOX I FIND YOU...
+POSABLE...
+LOVABLE...
+...JUST LIKE ME.
+This is better than a movie, why?
+Okay, now!
+Little help?
+Little help, please? I made a boom-boom...
+/ Oh, gross! / Not where I pee! / Get that outta here!
+The line in the lady's room is far too long and so I hope you don't mind if I...
+Baby made a boom-boom.
+Oh, good heavens!
+Here you go, Monkey.
+There. That's six years' worth of inoculations.
+Here you are, my good man. And while you're at it, throw in one of those polio shots.
+Oh, yes, sir!
+Anti-polio.
+Homie, where did you get that ball of money?
+I've been doing some outside projects for Mr. Burns.
+Really? Like what?
+Oh, y'know, business stuff... downsizing, e-solutions, the glass ceiling...
+Hmm. Well, I'm proud of you. You're such a good provider. Kids, come on -- thank your father for the injections!
+Thank you, Dad.
+Hey Dad, can I have some money for a panda cone?
+Gah, what do you do with the sixty-eight dollars I send your mother every month?
+Weekday Dad wanted a DVD player.
+Look at their proud, hopeful faces. Wait'll they see that their rare Chinese panda is nothing but a fat guy in a suit.
+Well, why do I have to do the Lindy Hop?
+Ooh, that's the heart of the bit!
+Now, courtesy of an anonymous donor, please welcome our new panda, Sim Sim!
+Don't be shy. That-a girl. Oh, I think she's getting ready... yes, she's doing the Lindy Hop.
+That's it! Twenty-three skidoo... Twenty-four! Twenty-five skidoo!
+Well, it looks like Sim Sim is a little frisky today, so our trainers are gonna calm her down.
+Don't worry, folks. Because of their thick, thick hides, pandas only feel the slightest tickle from these powerful electric shocks.
+Oh, she's saying "I love you."
+Can't take the pain...
+Sim Sim likes to boogie.
+Something's wrong. Terribly wrong.
+Hey, there's our resident bull panda, Ping Ping. With any luck, folks, these two will become very, very close, if you know what I mean.
+Huh? Help! Mr. Burns!
+Look, she's presenting! We thought this would take years to happen!
+Ping Ping just asked Sim Sim to marry him. And I think she just said "yes."
+Awwww...
+Hah. You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.
+Am I glad to see you guys. You gotta call...
+Dad?? The panda was you?
+Did you see Daddy dance? They all saw me dance.
+Oh, Dad.
+So, this is your mysterious new job for Mr. Burns?
+Yes. I humiliate myself for fistfuls of cash.
+Oh Dad, you have to stop.
+I know.
+Well done, Monkey! That other panda gave some unexpected zazz to the festivities, eh?
+Maybe for you. How come you didn't rescue me?
+Too busy trying to keep my sides from splitting -- it's happened before. Monty say, monkey do. What could be better?
+Well, you could treat me with a little respect.
+Oh, shut up, you tub of guts.
+You see, that's what I'm saying.
+Well, a little do-re-mi will smooth this over.
+He doesn't want your dirty money.
+Oh, come now. Everyone has his price.
+Not my Dad.
+Shh-shh, the grownups are talking, honey.
+Dad, how can you put a price on your dignity?
+She's right. Yes, I may be naked and reeking of panda love, but I've got to stop this before it goes too far.
+Take that back for nine hundred and three dollars.
+I retract my statement.
+I mean, screw you!
+Well, well, it looks like my monkey has evolved into a man.
+A poor man.
+Huh? Oh, why did he have to say that extra thing?
+Forget about him, Dad. I'm proud of you.
+Aw, thank you, sweetheart, but what should I do with this dirty, ill-gotten money? I better throw it in the garbage.
+Well, there's lots of needy kids out there...
+I see what you're saying -- I need to buy a gun.
+No, Dad. You could really brighten the holidays for those less fortunate.
+You're right. It's time to rebuild my self-esteem.
+Hey, what happened to...?
+Oh, good Lord, what a week!
+Excuse me, sir.
+Yessss?
+I'd like to buy all these toys for some needy children. Is this enough dirty, dirty money?
+Why, it most certainly is! Uh, Mr. Costington, something quite wonderful has happened... A-nooo... A-nooo... A-yessss!
+Why, I don't think I've ever seen such generosity. You're a modern-day Kris Kringle, sir.
+I'm just tryin' to dig myself out of a pit of shame.
+Say no more. I had a bit of a shoe-sniffing problem myself. I'm still not allowed on the third floor.
+It's okay.
+Mr. Simpson, I just had a crazy thought. We do a little Thanksgiving Day Parade around here, and you're about the right build for a little fella they call Kris Kringle...
+Hold still.
+I'm so proud! My dad will be the grand finale of the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
+Wanna rehearse, Dad?
+I don't need to rehearse. Ho, ho, ho, Merry... Line!
+Christmas.
+What? Lemme see that.
+Well, looks like another beautiful, eighty-degree Thanksgiving day, thanks to global warming. Isn't that right, Leeza Gibbons?
+That's right, Kent Brockman. Our broadcast is brought to you by Costington's Department Store -- The thing downtown that's open. Right next to the men's shelter.
+Rusty the Clown?! Springfield gets the lamest balloons.
+Are you kidding? There's Funky Winkerbean! Over here, Funky! Look, it's the Noid! Avoid the Noid! He ruins pizzas!
+Hey lady, Santa Claus is gonna be here, right? He just has to.
+Something tells me he is.
+Don't touch me! Nothing gives you that right!
+Oh yeah...
+Say, Leeza, do you like gingerbread?
+No, not really.
+Then you'll love this next float! It's an all-gingerbread desk set!
+Ho, ho, ho, Merry Everyone!
+Ahoy hoy, St. Nick!
+"Pranksgiving?" Uh-oh...
+Prepare to be boarded!
+What are you doing here? I told you I'm not your monkey anymore.
+Silence, Monkey. Now that you're Father Christmas, we have an opportunity to bend this town over our knee and give it a pranking it will never forget. Here's what we do...
+Here's a float saluting the Native Americans who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving.
+Interesting side note on this float: The papier-mâché is composed entirely of broken treaties.
+They're good sports.
+The answer is no, Mr. Burns. Not for any amount of money.
+Not for one million dollars?
+Oh, so much money...
+But Santa can't be evil...
+But it's so much money.
+And here's the float everyone's been waiting for.
+Yes, whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everybody loves Santa Claus.
+Oh, he was supposed to be throwing out toys, but he seems to be hurling some sort of candy treat.
+Wait a minute, Kent. That is not candy. That's fish guts!
+There's Santa! Over here, Santa!
+What did I do?
+The doctor said I could take this patch off five minutes a day.
+Hey, that's just enough time to see Santy Claus.
+Why, Santa? Why?
+Oh, no! Here come the gulls!
+Oh nice birdie. Nice birdie. Oh, not so nice!
+Oh, Dad. You sold your soul.
+Not yet, honey.
+Dad! But if you're here, who's that on the float?
+Ho, ho, ho. Merry Fish-mas!
+What's going on?
+Let's just say Lisa gave me an early Christmas present. The gift of dignity.
+Baby made a boom-boom.
+Hey, open up! I've been standing here all morning.
+Hey, Homer, what are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation.
+No one told me the plant was closed!
+Didn't you get the e-mail?
+What's an e-mail?
+It's a computer thing. Like an electric letter.
+Or a quiet phone call.
+I don't have a computer.
+Too bad. That's why you're at work while we're living it up on our day off. Hey Carl, turn up the car radio.
+Why not? Anything goes today.
+That does it. I'm getting a computer! As soon as somebody lets me outta here!
+Oh. I'm so stupid.
+Uh... I guess I'll take that one.
+Hmmm, well, do you need a paperweight? Because if you buy that machine, that's all you're gonna have. Is an expensive paperweight.
+Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one?
+Mm-hm. That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out of date machines. You're not a sucker, are you, sir?
+Heavens, no!
+Oh, good, because if you were I would have to ask you to leave the store.
+I just need something to receive e-mail.
+You'll need a top of the line machine for that.
+That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
+I was an astronaut.
+Of course you were.
+Five thousand dollars!
+You only have ten seconds to decide, sir.
+This is the best computer in the world and always will be, right?
+Absolutely. Just run the deed to your house through here.
+You are on your fifth mortgage.
+Hey Lisa, check out my new computer!
+Dad, you shouldn't drag that around.
+That's right! Top of the line!
+Stupid pothole. Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.
+Oh, yeah... perfect. Now then...
+Computer... kill Flanders.
+Did I hear my name? My ears are burnin'.
+Good start! Now finish the job!
+Ah, you're busy. Catch you later, compu-tater.
+$5000 for a computer and it can't handle a simple assignment.
+Dad, I'll set up your computer. Why don't you and Bart go play in the back yard?
+You're it!
+Okay, you're ready to go. I've written down the basic commands so that anyone can understand them.
+Hmmmmm.
+Homer, bring that back in the house.
+Ooh, a dancing Jesus. De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it.
+If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click yes. Otherwise, click no.
+All right, I'll tell you a secret. My bagels are nothing but week-old donuts.
+You have chosen no, meaning you've committed a crime, but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.
+While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt?
+You have the right to remain fabulous!
+Here it is, everybody! The world's greatest website!
+You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not.
+I got suspended from school today.
+No kiddin'. What do you think of my page, Lisa? Be honest. It's great, isn't it? Go ahead and say it's great if you want to.
+They found a switchblade in my locker.
+Well... a web page is supposed to be a personal thing. You've just stolen copyrighted material from everyone else. They could sue you for that.
+I took a swing at a cop.
+They can't sue me if they don't know who I am. I'll just call myself Mr. X.
+I'm just mad all the time.
+Yep, you can't go wrong with Mr. X.
+Mom wants you to come to bed.
+I can't. My web page hasn't gotten a single hit.
+Come on.
+You have to offer people something: a joke, an opinion, an idea...
+That lousy pothole! Why don't they fix it?
+I heard Mayor Quimby spent the street repair fund on a secret swimming pool for himself.
+Get out! Who told you that?
+Nelson.
+Hmm, that's the kind of dirt that belongs on my web page.
+You can't post that on the Internet. You don't even know if it's true.
+Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold.
+You know, it might've been Jimbo.
+Beautiful. We have confirmation.
+Is everything ready for the secret meeting, Smithers?
+Hmm. Let's see here... X-RATED GIRLS -- already bookmarked... DIAL X FOR SEX... MR. X? Shall I cross the final frontier?
+What's this?
+Stolen funds? Pothole money used for swimming pool? There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!
+Our mayor's corrupt?! Oh, Mr. X has done this town a great service, despite his poor grammar and spelling.
+Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?
+No, Mother.
+You sissy!
+What's all this about a secret swimming pool?
+Uh, wha... what secret swimming pool is that?
+Hey! Let's look behind that door!
+Don't go in there.
+Good Lord! We've discovered the ruins of an ancient city! Okay, you do better.
+I did it. I changed the world. Now I know exactly how God feels.
+Do you want turkey sausage or ham?
+Bring me two of every animal.
+A new Internet watchdog is creating a stir in Springfield. Mr. X, if that is his real name, has come up with a sensational scoop.
+Darn tootin'.
+But we must never forget that the real news is on local TV. Delivered by real, officially licensed newsmen like me, Kent Brockman. Coming up, how do they get those dogs to talk on the beer commercials? Cowboy Steve will tell you.
+I'm happy you got the potholes filled, but it's still irresponsible to present rumors as facts. Maybe you should quit while you're ahead.
+No way! Mr. X is gonna keep on digging... and probing... until every person in this town is in jail!
+A coconut bagel?! Like poison, it tastes.
+Yes sir.
+Eh, who am I to point the finger? I once ran over a guy in a parking lot, and dumped the body on a golf course.
+What a bombshell!
+In the interests of public safety, we have confiscated every donut, bagel, cruller and bear claw in the city. And some coffee.
+This morning, Mr. X reported that your own department...
+I know, I know. But I assure you, the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them. Any more.
+Well, what about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
+Uh, yeah, all right. This press conference is over.
+Well, I have one more...
+Nah, it's over, Phil.
+Police Chief Wig...
+It's over.
+According to my uncle...
+Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful as she seems. Word is, she uses appearance-altering cosmetics.
+The public should be warned. I wish Mr. X were here.
+Oh, I don't know, Carl. He might be closer than you think.
+Are you him? Are you Mr. X?
+Uh, but you talked in that real sly voice. Hey, hey, everybody, Homer's Mr. X!
+I am not. Or am I?
+Are you?
+Well, if Mr. X were here right now, I'd buy him a tall frosty.
+Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret?
+Not even a little one?
+What if I just whisper it?
+No, I tells ya.
+I'VE BEEN SITTIN' ON THE TOILET / ALL THE LIVE-LONG DAY...
+I hope no one finds out about this. It's pure journalistic dynamite!
+Uh, sir, this place could be bugged.
+Okay, now we can talk.
+Turn it off!
+Journalistic dynamite.
+Then it's agreed. I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium.
+You are a credit to the great Satan.
+Oh, pshaw.
+I love spying.
+Ohh, don't worry about those fumes. They'll be sucked into that air vent.
+This place is falling apart.
+And who's selling the uranium to the terrorists? Montgomery Burns. Now, we wait.
+Let go of me! I'm innocent!
+Whoa... He's in trouble.
+We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr. X.
+Unfortunately, we don't know who he is. So his cash award will be used to feed starving children.
+I'm Mr. X! Gimme! Gimme!
+We'll need some proof.
+He is Mr. X! Hah!
+Thank you, folks. And now I'm off to expose more secret conspiracies and...
+I bit my tongue!
+I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer...
+Finally.
+But I do feel bad about the starving children...
+They're with God now.
+Oh, well, that's good... Oh.
+Hey, guys. How's it goin'?
+Oh, don't worry about the Mr. X thing. I'm just here for a beer.
+I dunno if I want you in here no more, Homer, uh... I got a lotta secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine. Terrible, disturbing secrets.
+So hungry.
+I smell another Pulitzer.
+Well, Helen, as it says in the Bible...
+I'll tell you later.
+Nobody's visiting my web page anymore. My counter is actually going down.
+Well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
+That's a great idea! I'll make up some news!
+At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.
+Let's see now... "BULLETIN: New Race Discovered Living Six Inches Under... Denver."
+Oh, Dad...
+All Named 'Morton'... or... 'Mortonson'...
+This Mr. X says Spanish and Italian are the same language. Well, that's surprising.
+"They're Controlling Our Minds With Flu Shots?!" I knew it. Well kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations?
+Hey, Mr. X! I got a tip for ya. In science class, they're dissecting frozen hoboes. And I have the bindles to prove it.
+Real news is great, son. But I'm gettin' a thousand hits an hour with grade-A bull plop.
+Gimme a hundred Lotto tickets, Apu. Because Mr. X is on a roll.
+Stop it, Apu. You're scaring me.
+What's going on?
+Help, I'm being kidnapped!
+This is not a library.
+Save me, Mr. X! Wait, I'm Mr. X.
+Wuzzah?
+What the hell?
+How did I get here? What is this place?
+This is... The Island.
+How do I get outta here?
+Oh, no one leaves The Island.
+So I'm a prisoner? How come?
+Because you know something.
+But I don't know anything. At least I don't think I do.
+See you tomorrow.
+No you won't!
+Hello, operator? I'd like to report a really weird island. Please send lots of rescue copters to...
+All right, whatever.
+Welcome friend. I'm Number 6.
+I'm Number 15. What number are you?
+I am not a number, I am a man. And don't you ever... Oh, wait, I'm Number 5. Ha ha! In your face, Number 6!
+Yes, well done.
+Who are all these oddballs?
+Well, they keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind Tic-Tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.
+So, who brought us here?
+I don't know.
+Did you bring us here?
+Don't worry. If even half of your husband is out here, Officer Scraps'll find him.
+Oh, that's a darling name for a dog.
+Yep, he's on the trail, all right... Uh-oh.
+Better go fish 'im out, Lou.
+Okay, Chief.
+Uh, the shoes are part of the uniform.
+Oh, they drugged the tea. They knew my one weakness.
+Hello, Number 5. How's every little thing?
+Who are you and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually.
+Fair enough, I'll level with you.
+Ow. Please. Don't do that.
+I'll be blunt. Your web page has stumbled upon our secret plan.
+That's impossible. All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop!
+Oh don't be cute. I'm referring to the flu shot exposé. You see, we're the ones loading them with mind-controlling additives.
+But why?
+To drive people into a frenzy of shopping. That's why flu shots are given just before Christmas.
+Of course! It's so simple... Wait, no it's not. It's needlessly complicated.
+Yes it is. And we can't have you out there mucking it up now, can we?
+No, sir.
+There's a good boy. Let's get you some ice cream. There you are.
+Look, you can drug me all you want, but my family won't rest till they find my drug-bloated corpse.
+I wouldn't count on that, Number 5. As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door right about now.
+I'm sorry. What?
+Marge honey fraulein, I'm home.
+You're not my husband.
+Ya, please forgive my unexplained two-week absence. To make it up to you, we will go out to dinner at a sensibly-priced restaurant, then have a night of efficient German sex.
+Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.
+Aren't there any evil movies on? Maybe something about an evil island?
+There's something really different about you, Dad.
+I am a new tie wearing.
+I'm tired of being drugged and gagged. There's gotta be a way to escaped.
+I've worked on this for thirty-three years. It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks. And the sail is made of scabs and dynamite. It's small, and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to...
+That's the third time that's happened.
+Oh, no! An anti-escape orb!
+Huh, that was easy.
+Why did you think a big balloon would stop people?
+Shut up! That's why!
+What a horrible four months. Now to warn everybody.
+Attention: some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world...
+Sorry, old chap. But you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk.
+We're shutting you down.
+Not a chance. No one can silence me, but me!
+That arranged can be.
+Yes, fight and struggle!
+If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch.
+Oh, Marge. It's me, the real Homer!
+Oh, Homie!
+Bravo, Number 5. But you know what happens to bad little fishies who wriggle through the net...
+Can I turn this off?
+Absolutely.
+Nice to have you back, Homer.
+The dog thinks so, too.
+The dog thinks so...
+Bad dog.
+Once you get used to the druggings, this isn't a bad place.
+Oh, it's wonderful.
+Truly God's country.
+See you on the island.
+Yes, the island.
+Welcome to the Magic Palace.
+Okay, you can park my car, but no joyriding.
+Wait a minute...
+Hello, I'm Questo. I'll be your waiter and mentalist for this evening.
+I'm receiving a drink order... Something foamy... Is it a beeee...?
+Beer! Yes! How did you know?
+And for the lady... A Long Island iced tea.
+Oh. They ought to call that a "Large Island Iced Tea." No, "Long" is better.
+Are you really gonna drink that?
+Well, maybe a sip. I don't want to offend our mentalist.
+If she doesn't like it I'll just die.
+Mom, you're missing a great show.
+You don't know what I'm missing.
+Mmm. I'd like to visit that Long Island place. If only it were real...
+Now, for my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer.
+I'll do it. I always end up doing it.
+I'm Diablo. What's your name?
+Okay, Marge, and who's that gentleman you're with?
+That's no gentleman, that's my husband.
+Wow, Mom got a laugh.
+I wish she drank every day.
+Do we love Marge or what?
+Oh, please. I didn't say that for clapping.
+Now, Marge, I have a problem.
+You see, the Emperor of China is comin' over, and I don't have enough colorful silks.
+So what I need of you is...
+You talk too much. Abra-ca-blab-ra! Am I right?
+See? The ladies know what I'm talkin' about.
+Tell you what: Let's get this ball-gag on ya...
+There we go. And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-o-tine .
+Ooh, baby!
+Don't worry, Marge. You won't feel a thing. You'll feel four things.
+He's very good.
+So she was made of chimps.
+Man, magic can do anything!
+What happened to Mom?
+I'm right here!
+No! No! Get off me!
+Folks, this is not part of the act. Please help her.
+Get 'em off me! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
+Cool! A gift shop.
+"Ages 8 to 80." Hmm... That's me! Dad, will you get me this magic kit?
+Gee, I wish I could, son, but we've already left the gift shop.
+Wow, it's approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
+That's a party magic college.
+It is not!
+Ya-huh!
+Nuh-uh!
+Ya-huh!
+Could you cut it out, you two? Mommy needs some quiet right now.
+What the hell is that?!
+It looks like a sturgeon.
+But where did it come from?
+Hmmm. Well, there's your problem.
+I know that. How much to fix it?
+Ooh, well, ah, that's a foreign fish we're lookin' at... So, uh, sixty-five hundred. Plus three-fifty.
+I can't afford that.
+Maybe I can make some money, Dad. My magic act is really coming along.
+He couldn't breathe.
+Step right up! See the magic boy! Witness mystifying feats that will leave you scratching your head until it's raw and bloody!
+Oh, my goodness!
+Come on, pony up, Flanders. The kid's not turning tricks for nothin'.
+Oh, no! I could never support the black arts.
+Black arts?!
+Yeah, you know... magic, fortune telling, Oriental cooking...
+Hey, you guys... You're in our spot!
+Okay, we'll move. We don't want any trouble, fellas.
+Dad, only one of them is real.
+I know, but which one?
+Sixty cents?! I would've made more if I'd gone into work today!
+Hey, don't blame me. I gotta compete with TV, and the Internet.
+A good son would come through for his dad!
+Yeah, and a good dad wouldn't miss his son's Little League games!
+I told you! I find them boring.
+Well, I showed up for all your stupid interventions.
+Oh, that's it! You can walk home!
+Dad, come back! I can't walk home with all this stuff!
+Poor boy. Here's some money for bus fare.
+My father was a monster, too.
+Come on, brothers. Dig deep.
+Stupid, non-magical son, can't pay to fix my car.
+Hey, Homer! Check it out!
+What the?!
+Is that a steak?
+Yeah, I know a little place.
+Who gave you all this money?
+People. I guess they thought I was a charity case.
+Really. Hey, maybe we could do that again. Can you look even more pathetic?
+Oh ho, ho, that's beautiful! We could make a fortune.
+But wouldn't that make us con artists?
+Well, yeah. But God conned me out of sixty-five hundred bucks in car repairs.
+So in a way, we'd just be balancing out the universe.
+There ya go! We'd be stealing from people we know. It's just like the seasons.
+Sounds good. Wanna eat my fat?
+I think you know the answer to that.
+This book has all the classic cons. There's "The Pigeon Drop," "The Ear Wigger," "The Brillstein Grab..."
+They have any father-and-son grifts?
+Well, there's the "Albany Ham Scam."
+Interesting.
+Oh, wait. Here we go...
+What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
+I could ask you the very same question.
+Should I just back out of the room?
+Would you?
+Okay, Dad. Ready for our first con?
+You bet. Let's trim the mark.
+Nice use of the lingo, Homer.
+Ten-four, Kemosabe.
+Well, I love you, too. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
+Oh, excuse me!
+What happened? Where's my cake? It's all right, isn't it?
+Uhhh...
+A storm is coming!
+What have you done, you clumsy little ox?! That cake was for your deaf sister!
+Sir, it was my fault.
+No, no. Don't protect him. You'll work off that cake in the acid mines.
+No, no, no. I'll pay for the cake.
+Well, you're the mark.
+... of integrity.
+Wow, look at all this loot! What should we buy first?
+A singing rubber fish, of course.
+There you are. How was the magic act?
+What in the hell are you talking about?
+Oh, right, the magic. The magic was great. It's really... the way to go.
+How'd you do your act? You left your magic kit here.
+Or so it would seem...
+Suckers.
+I dunno, Mom. I think they're up to something...
+Uh, sure looks that way... But at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together.
+Is that a Long Island Iced Tea?
+Oh, this? Hmm. I think it is.
+You're a pretty girl.
+Here, boy! Here doggie. Oh where has my little dog gone?
+Oh, you lost your doggie?
+Yeah, I saw him playing in the water, and then he was gone. He had a bright red leash, with bells on it.
+Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
+Oh, dear Lord!
+He's the bestest dog ever. He's light brown and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart.
+Sorry son, but...
+I just gotta get him back!... Or if not him, a similar dog...
+Dog for sale!
+Dog for sale!
+How much for the dog?
+Oh, he's not for sale.
+Although if the right offer came along...
+Here's for the repairs, and a little extra for you.
+Hey, thanks, chief.
+My Bar Mitzvah cake! Oy, I'll never be a man!
+Yes, son?
+Why are we still grifting? The car's paid for. Doesn't that balance out the universe?
+In a way. But I also remembered some other stuff... like my bike that was stolen in third grade. Plus the baldness.
+Okay, I'm sold.
+Hello, is the lady of the house in?
+Oh, no, Homer, remember? Maudie got called up to Heaven.
+Oh, of course, of course. It's just that...
+Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you.
+Why, there's my name in gold.
+Now, you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man...
+Well, I'll just reimburse you right n-- Wait a minute. This seems an awful lot like that movie, "Paper Moon."
+Run, Dad!
+We'll be safe here.
+That was too close. Maybe it's time to quit the game.
+Amateurs!
+That's right.
+You don't smoke a pipe.
+That's right.
+How'd you get wise to us?
+Are you kiddin'? They used to call me Grifty McGrift. I wrote the book on flim-flammin'.
+Wow, he did.
+Yeah, in the Depression, you had to grift. Either that, or work.
+So what's the pitch, old man?
+Team up with me, boys, and we'll go for the biggest honey pot of 'em all.
+Oh... my... God.
+I don't know... Fleecin' old people?
+Oh, why not? If we don't take their money, they'll just give it to some televangelist.
+Let's dust a few fossils.
+Now, this scam was in "The Sting Part II," so nobody knows about it.
+Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson?
+I'm Abe Simpson.
+You've just won 10 million dollars from that Publisher's Cleary-dealie!
+Everybody come quick! Abe Simpson is rich!
+I can't believe it! I can finally afford a young, crazy stripper wife.
+Yeah, I'm gonna get me the craziest, strippiest...
+He's dead.
+Oh, this is terrible. Now who do we give the money to?
+I guess we'll just have to haul the check back to headquarters. Too bad we couldn't just give it to these nice folks.
+Forget it, Ed. Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big? Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least a hundred dollars a head.
+You're right. We'd better just take this check back for shredding.
+No, wait! We've got a hundred bucks each! Hang on!
+Thank you... no shoving... that's right, put your money in here... all of it... Is that everyone?
+What's your problem, Sport? Afraid to be rich?
+Hold your horses, I'll get to ya...
+You're under arrest for fraud.
+Throw the book at him, Sonny.
+Now, where's the inside man?
+Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam!
+So we're under arrest for fraud?
+Yes, fraud.
+Well, this is about the flashiest car I've ever impounded.
+Thanks, woo, it took a lotta grifting.
+Please, FBI man, don't throw us in jail. We just made one mistake.
+Yeah. We're not criminals. We're just two crazy, mixed-up kids.
+Hmm... Okay, tell you what. I'll let you turn yourselves in. Maybe they'll go easier on you.
+You'd do that for us?
+Well, I did ruin the boy's birthday cake. Go on in. But I'll be watching.
+Okay, thank you, sir.
+Don't worry, son. I have an idea.
+Chief, I'd like to scare my son straight. Could I show him a jail cell?
+Oh, sure. I'll put you in the Rick James suite. It's super-freaky.
+Okay, we're all locked up now...
+Yeah. Ya big idiot...
+Excellent. I guess I'll just be swiping your car now.
+Oh, and this lovely bag of cash.
+So long, suckers! Woo hoo!
+That's not an FBI badge.
+Colgate Cavity Patrol?
+That guy was a grifter!
+Yeah, he conned us good. Well, at least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place.
+Mom's gonna wonder where the car went. We'd better have a good story.
+It's ten in the morning!
+Lies got us into this mess, son. From now on it's honesty all the way.
+You were carjacked in the church parking lot?!
+Absolutely. We had stopped in for a quick prayer, when... Bart, would you call him a crazy man?
+Definitely. Well, crazy about carjacking.
+What did he look like?
+Well, hmm, let's see, he was foreign and he had some...
+Wild, bushy hair, like an animal.
+Anything else?
+Uh, well, he seemed like a loner... kept to himself, mostly.
+And he said if we went to the cops, he'd come back for Maggie.
+Oh, dear. We don't want that.
+Anyhoo, the whole nightmare has really made us sleepy. Let's hit the hay.
+Homie! Homie, wake up! They've captured your crazed foreign carjacker!
+Huh? But that's impossible.
+They're arresting him right now!
+I didna do it, I tell ya.
+At least let me comb me hair. It's all wild and bushy.
+What do you care, loner?
+Well, look at that. But who called the police?
+We did.
+After we got Maggie to a safe house, of course.
+She hasn't touched her Manwich.
+Ye cannot do this to Willie.
+I'm innocent, I tell ya!
+They always say they're innocent. It's such a turn-off.
+Dad, Willie got arrested 'cause of us!
+'Course he did, son. He's a filthy crook. Now, let's all hit the hay.
+I guess you haven't heard of chloroform.
+Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking?
+I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack. I had nothing to do with that carjacking.
+Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking?
+But didn't ya just say...?
+I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie!
+Objection!
+I'm going to allow it. It characterizes the defendant as a carjacker.
+Dad, we've got to tell everyone the truth.
+Let's see how this plays out.
+Mr. Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court?
+I told you, my memory is fuzzy. Fuzzy!
+Fuzzy like Willie's beard?
+Yes, exactly! No, no! I mean, the whole incident is hazy.
+Hazy like the moors of Scotland?
+Yes, exactly!
+Hey? Mountain Dew?!
+Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?
+I believe we was promised five dollars a day.
+All right, then. Guilty!
+Carjacker Willie, I sentence you to ten years in prison.
+Dad! Tell them!
+When the time is right...
+Ten years?! But I didna do it!
+Suuure, you didna. Now, let's get you to Attica, and we can...
+You'll never send me up the river!
+Daa-ad!
+Let's see where he's going with this...
+Willie! As your employer, I insist that you...
+Stop! This has gone on just long enough.
+Nobody carjacked me. I tried to pull a con and got conned myself. And then I lied to you all! So did Bart.
+Okay, players! That's a wrap!
+Nice work, everybody!
+Wait a minute. This whole thing was a set-up?!
+But Skinner got shot!
+Yep. Blanks and a blood pack.
+Hey, watch it!
+I look like cable TV.
+What about that bullet hole in your hair?
+Squibs!
+Yeah, we hornswoggled you good.
+But what about the guy who took my car?
+Devon Bradley. Character actor, dancer, singer. I'm a triple-threat!
+He's doing "Dreamcoat" at the dinner theater.
+I can't believe everyone was in on it.
+Willie wasn't!
+Wait a minute. You're telling me the police force, the TV news, a courthouse full of people, and a popular entertainer had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson?
+I know it seems farfetched, even insulting to your intelligence. But, there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation. You see...
+Hey, everybody! Surf's up!
+Cowabunga!
+Welcome back to "Pigskin Preview".
+Denver - Green Bay. Who do you like?
+That's football, right?
+Well, I'm gonna take the Broncos in this game. 'Cause the Packers will be blinded by Jerry's tie.
+Heh, heh, heh. Tremendous.
+I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing?
+All right, Listen! I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe. You people can dress yourselves!
+Well, folks, he's got a point. Uh, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about...
+Lenny, are you watching this?
+Yeah, they really hurt that guy's feelings.
+I know!
+Ready for the circus, Homer?
+Circus?
+The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre.
+But I wanna watch Bret Favre!
+Come on, Homer. They're only in town for eight months, then they're gone!
+I missed one of Jerry's zingers. Now I'll never catch up.
+Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder.
+Oh, yeah, that's way better than fun and excitement.
+As French Canadians, they don't believe in refunds, or exploiting animals for entertainment.
+I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon.
+Enjoy the show. For one day we shall die.
+Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez!
+I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir.
+But I cannot help you. I am just a local merchant from, uh... this town.
+Just smash it open!
+Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure. Or Purée.
+They always pick the guy with the wires.
+Look at those exotic positions.
+Watching those women is giving me ideas...
+They made an elephant!
+It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?
+I feel it in my bone!
+Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks.
+Oh no you don't! I paid full price for this freak show. Now nourish the child within me! Nourish...
+Un, deux, trois!
+Well, we've got ourselves a classic nor'easter meetin' a classic so'wester. Overnight, expect rain turning to freezing rain turning to sleet turning to snow. And then melting in the summer.
+Snow! Maybe they'll cancel school.
+Look, the Sea Captain's all hunkered down.
+Y'arr, help, I was tied here by teenage pirates!
+The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary...
+...My Dear Watson Detective School.
+And lastly, Springfield Elementary School...
+...is open.
+And it's open season on savings at Springfield Menswear... which is closed.
+Oh, everyone's off but us.
+Oh, stop. Your father and I don't get the day off.
+Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee!
+One snow angel, comin' up.
+Ahh, why does that always happen?
+Man -- everyone has a snow day but us.
+Oh, they look wonderful.
+Oh yeah, Clancy. Spell your name.
+Hey Lou, could you shake out the last few drops for me?
+Yeah, no problem, Chief.
+Seems like a waste of coffee, though.
+Children, I'm proud of you. Most of our students didn't bother to show up on this last day before Christmas break. But you've kept intact my Cal Ripken-like streak of school openage.
+Hey, where are the teachers?
+Their union has called an "emergency caucus."
+CAUCUS, CAUCUS, CAU-CUS / CAUCUS, CAUCUS, CAU-CUS.
+But we'll have the last laugh on those Johnny-Come-Not-lies. We're gonna watch my favorite movie, about a Grinchy little character who tries to "steal" Christmas.
+Ho, ho, ho!
+What's that, Blitzen? Why yes, it is Christmas Eve!
+I'm happy.
+It's the Christmas hobgoblins!
+What the hell is this?
+It's classic mirth-making, is what it is.
+I WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE / SPEND MY DAYS PITCHING WOO TO YOUUUU...
+He's been singing for two hours!
+This couldn't have less to do with Christmas! And I think that's a stagehand.
+AND I LOVE YOUUU TOOO. / I AM YOU AND YOU ARE YOUUU / OH YOU AND ME / TOGETHER YOU CAN SEEE...
+Haw haw. Next time get a DVD!
+This is a DVD!
+Well, you won't get to see Santa's Big Sing-off, but seeing as we're close to the usual dismissal time... ... two, one.
+There it is. Take off, and have a frank and productive holiday.
+Oh, dear God.
+Principal Skinner!
+We're snowed in.
+We're trapped in the school!
+We're gonna miss Christmas!
+I fixed the DVD!
+Roads closed. Pipes frozen. Albinos virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from Winter Wonderland to a Class III Killstorm.
+I don't like the sound of that "Class III."
+And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns, in a veritable orgasm of poor planning.
+He shoots, he scores!
+Perfect form, sir.
+This is terrible. How will the kids get home?
+I 'unno... Internet?
+Children, it seems the phone lines are down. So I'm afraid we're stuck here for the duration.
+But it's my kid's birthday.
+I'm doing a puzzle with Grandmama, and she'll finish without me.
+Yes, yes, yes. We all had plans. Except for me, ironically. I'm right where I want to be.
+I can cut a trail through the snow. I'm part Eskimo.
+I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building.
+This stinks. We'll miss the Itchy and Scratchy where they finally kiss.
+I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi. You're not going home.
+/ That's so unfair. / This blows. / Skinner's the real Grinch.
+Well, I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof.
+My car, your roof. It's only fair.
+But it's my car.
+Well, yeah.
+Hey, whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow business?
+I never had a snowplow business.
+This sucks.
+Sure you did -- "Mr. Plow." You're wearin' the jacket right now!
+I think I know my own life, Ned.
+CALL MR. PLOW / THAT'S MY NAME / THAT NAME AGAIN IS / MR. PLOW.
+I'm so hungry. I want more.
+You heard the principal. Everyone gets one apple and a handful of relish.
+If you don't eat your relish, you're not getting any mayonnaise.
+Screw this. The rest of you can stay here like dorks, but I'm goin' home.
+Go Nelson!
+Well, I hope you've all learned something from Nelson's headstrongedness. Now from now on...
+We want out! We want out! We want out! We want out!
+It's getting ugly out there. Think, Skinner, think. What would Superintendent Chalmers do?
+Skin-ner!
+Eh, that's no help.
+Ah, my old footlocker.
+Hah, back in 'Nam I could command respect.
+Sarge. Let's make a break for it, while the guards are partying with Jane Fonda.
+Nope. Too dangerous. We're all gonna sit tight and reminisce about candy bars.
+Uhh, well, uhh, one time I'm eatin' a candy bar at the beach, and a girl starts takin' off her bathing suit...
+Get back to the candy bar.
+The hell with this. I'm gettin' outta here.
+No! You fool!
+That elephant ate my entire platoon. Well, I'm not gonna let it happen again.
+Children! Stand down!
+I said stand down!
+I'm not joking, people! From now on there will be no talking out of turn, or leaving this room. Willie?
+Aye, sir.
+Are you questioning my authority? Willie?
+Ow! My vest!
+Well, don't just stand there, fight back! There aren't enough coat hooks to hold all of us!
+Actually, there are. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty... Uh, can you two share a hook?
+Yes, sir.
+We're fine, then.
+Oh! I think we hit something.
+I hope it's Flanders. I'm just kidding. Hey, you're all right.
+Uh, now children, if you have to answer nature's call during the night, use this bucket next to Bart's head.
+All right, lights out.
+I'm tired of taking orders from G.I. Jerk. I'm gonna tunnel outta here.
+No, Bart. For all we know, hundreds of rescue workers are digging us out right now.
+... I FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOVE / MAKIN' LOVE TO YOU! / DO DO DOOO / DO DO DOOO.
+Catchy song, all right. You really wrote it?
+Yeah, as a tribute to Princess Di. And Dodi. Because these days, princesses...
+We're trapped!
+Mr. Army man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit.
+Is that some sort of plush novelty?
+Yes, ma'am.
+Uh, well, here's a scouring pad. It's just as good.
+It's cold and hurty.
+What the...?
+A tunnel?!
+Bart's digging us out!
+Not on my watch, he's not.
+I know it looks like the path to freedom, but one collapse and presto, you've got a snow casket.
+I was gonna put buttresses in.
+Gonna, wounna, shounna. Willie? Destroy it.
+What? / No! / You can't. /
+He did do a bonny job, sir.
+Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too.
+Okay, Skinner. That's the last time you'll slap yer Willie around. I quit.
+Fine. I'll do the job myself.
+Help, it's caving in!
+What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck?
+That's precisely the problem and you know it. Now get me out of here!
+What's that? You want the pee bucket on your head?
+No! You're twisting my words!
+C'mon, we're takin' over the school!
+That's it. Cinch it up around the neck.
+This is a gross misuse of school property. Where are the dodge balls?
+All right, that's it! I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind.
+Silence, Seymour. We're in charge now. Your reign of fussiness is over.
+Attention, the school is now under kid control. You are hereby ordered to go nuts!
+Stupid ice. I always knew I would die caked in something.
+Well, better turn off that engine. Before those fumes put us in tombs.
+Wait, let's just leave it on till we forget our troubles.
+Hm, sounds like a plan.
+I can't write this. It's a grammatical nightmare.
+Mau! Didi mau!
+I'm getting a cramp in my wrist!
+Oh, boo hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.
+Come on, Seymour! Mau! Didi mau!
+Ow! I told you, no one can climb a rope. It's physically impossible!
+What part of "didi mau" don't you understand?
+Nelson, put that globe down! Milhouse, stay out of my desk! Jimbo, that's my Princi Award!
+Quiet, Principal Spinner.
+Hey, I got Skinner's key card. We can finally see our permanent records!
+No! You can't go in there!
+"Underachiever and proud of it?" How old is this thing?
+"Lisa is an outstanding student, with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism." That's not even a word!
+Then we'll get rid of the record. Permanently!
+Hey, look how much Skinner makes. Twenty-five thousand dollars a year!
+Let's see, he's forty years old, times twenty-five grand... Whoaa, he's a millionaire!
+I wasn't a principal when I was one.
+Plus, in the summer, he paints houses!
+He's a billionaire!
+If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with my mother?
+They're just not responding to logic anymore. I'll never win this alone. There's only one guy who can help me now.
+Look, I'm throwing papers.
+You're my only hope, Nibbles.
+Godspeed, Nibbles. Godspeed.
+There you are! Falcon to Eagle. Have located Bag of Crap.
+Nelson, if you get me outta this, there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring...
+I spit on your monitors.
+I know. That's why the position's available.
+Marvelous! Marvelous! Enough! I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing.
+Bring me my ranch-dressing hose.
+Homer? Homer!
+Homer! Wake up! The car's filling with...
+I know, ranch dressing.
+A hamster ball!
+Just like the one that saved Ezekiel!
+We're free! And we've got something to eat.
+Woo hoo!
+Now let's go save those kids.
+You're the camel.
+Hey, this car's got cruise control.
+School, please.
+Homer, that's not how it...
+It's happening! My horoscope was right!
+So long, "Johnny Tremain"! Your Newbery Award won't save you now.
+Not "Huck Finn"! I spent hours crossing out the sassback!
+We're gonna crash!
+Do you have airbags?
+No. The church opposes them for some reason.
+What was that?!
+It sounded like a silo tipping over!
+Look, the snow's melting!
+With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride.
+Now, we'll need a volunt--
+You did it, Nibbles. Now chew through my ball sack.
+Skin-ner!
+Superintendent Chalmers!
+What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?
+Uh, well sir, I uh...
+There'd better be a good explanation for this.
+There is, sir...
+Ah, then I'm happy.
+Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending things didn't happen. And I think this is one of those.
+One of which?
+Exactly.
+No, seriously, I wasn't listening.
+One of those situations where...
+Gotcha!
+C'mon, kids. Let's leave this awful place and never come back.
+Boy, that salt really ate through the car.
+And the exhaust pipe is leaking.
+And furthermore,
+Ignore her, Effendi. We have each other.
+Oh, baby!
+No use struggling my beloved Chalamela.
+Merry Christmas from the Simpsons!
+Animation is so great. It's way better than... whatever the alternative is.
+Seems like animated shows are everywhere. Or were, last year.
+Cool, Japanimation.
+Electro-web, deploy!
+Now I control the Roboverse!!!
+Your laugh is incorrect, Meganaut! Activate Prawn Power!
+Man, that Princess Tempura is one heck of a Transformazoid.
+Wait, I'm confused. Why was a wolf shooting a web?
+Cartoons don't have to make sense.
+He's right, you know.
+Daddy, are you sure it's okay for us to watch cartoons?
+Mmm-hmm. This one's fine and dandy, Roddy. It's approved by a council of Presbylutheran ministers.
+Whatcha makin' there, Gravy?
+It's a pipe bomb, Jobriath. For to blow up Planned Parenthood.
+I don't know, Gravy...
+I'm sick of your lack of faith!
+But Gravy...
+And then I created the voice of Yellow-Bellied Yak: All I need is some courage. Courage, I tell ya.
+Excuse me, but isn't that voice very similar to the Cowardly Lion?
+Also, sir, your Loudmouth Leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason...
+Hamina hamina hamina hamina hamina...
+...and Klutzy Kat sounds exactly like Jerry Lewis, with the stealing and the lawsuit and oh nice judge, don't hurt a person!
+And cut!
+After a tough day on the set, how do Itchy and Scratchy relax?
+With Laramie extra-tar cigarettes!
+Here's your smokes, Mister Itchy.
+Thank you, Louie.
+Mmm-hmm. And now there's more nico-glycerol.
+I don't know what's in 'em. I just know I can't stop smokin' 'em.
+Wait a minute, was that cat making out with that mouse? 'Cause if they were...
+Folks, you're about to witness the exciting new process of motion-capture animation.
+Pick me! Pick me!
+Now, when we activate the suite, our furry friend will copy you exactly.
+I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT / SHORT AND STOUT / HERE IS MY HANDLE / HERE IS MY SPOUT.
+Uh... lemme see... I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. And that's the truth.
+That dog's a riot.
+Thank you! Don't spay or neuter your pets! Good night!
+Zipper released.
+Oh, yeah. Urinal cake eroding... eroding... eroding... gone!
+That motion-capture suit is just what this country needs. Just think of all the hilarious motions that are going uncaptured. Like this...
+See? Now wouldn't you love to see that move, performed by a cartoon possum?
+An opossum capering around like that would be a smash hit!
+That would be the world's funniest marsupial.
+You're right. That suit gizmo could be worth billions. And I'm gonna get a piece of the action!
+So, does he still work here or what?
+I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please. And hurry!
+Uh, Sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll, need your wife's signature, too.
+Oh. Yes, of course. Uh, she's behind that plant.
+Hello, Marge. Hi, Homie. Sign this, please? You're the boss! Daddy, ask the man for some candy! No, no, no candy for you. Then at least get some candy for yourself.
+Here's your candy.
+So long, sucker!
+Uh, sir? Your life savings.
+Uh Yes, I see that it's in bill form. Excellent.
+I'd like to buy 500 shares of "ANIMOTION, INCORPORATED."
+Okay... Uh, now, before I execute this order, are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership?
+Absolutely.
+WE'RE IN THE MONEY / WE'RE IN THE MONEY...
+You heard the monkey -- make the trade.
+For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
+Animotion.
+Animotion. Up one and one-half.
+Yahoo. Up six and a quarter.
+Huh? What is this crap?
+Fox Broadcasting. Down eight.
+Sleep tight, my beloved. You're my ticket out of this hellhole.
+Sorry. Our ticket out of this hellhole.
+Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth...
+... after plunging seventy-five points this morning.
+Oh, I hope "plunging" means "up," and "seventy-five" means "two hundred."
+The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson.
+Family meeting! Family meeting!
+Okay people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
+All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now, let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
+Well maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it!
+Well, maybe if you ate some meat you'd have a natural lubricant! You lost all our money?
+Burn! Burn! Burn!
+Point of order: I didn't lose all the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
+Damn you, e-Bay!
+I have a great way to solve our money woes: you rent your womb to a rich, childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
+Are you crazy?! I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
+C'mon, Marge. We're a team! It's uter-us, not uter-you.
+Forget it.
+You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money -- I'm a human guinea pig.
+You mean, like, medical testing?
+Yeah, medical... military... chewin' stuff...
+Chewin' stuff?!
+Yeah, like, you chew on a telephone wire till you get a shock.
+Oh, oh, right, okay.
+Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous?
+Ah, you get a few side effects.
+Are those ears?!
+Ow! Not so loud.
+First, we'll test this experimental perfume on you.
+It burns! It burns!
+Hmm... We'll call it Desert Breeze.
+That appetite suppressant is amazing!
+Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food?
+Food? I'm BLIND!
+Who's gonna buy a pill that makes ya blind?
+We'll let marketing worry about that.
+Where did that rat come from?
+He must've brought it in with him.
+Dammit!
+Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects?
+He's a little too well-fed to be a wino. Hey, what's that?
+Zoom in on section 8.
+Rotate twenty degrees.
+Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain.
+There's a crayon in my brain?!
+But I've had thousands of head x-rays. How come no one ever noticed it before?
+Oh, I can answer that. You see, whenever I pick up an x-ray, I always hold it like this.
+My thumb must've covered up the crayon every time. I'll show myself out.
+Do you have any idea how this might have happened?
+Well, I'm not sure, but it mighta happened when I was six.
+Fourteen... Fifteen... Sixteen! Woo-hoo!
+Oh, I don't feel so good.
+Eh, I think that's all of 'em.
+Mr. Simpson, this could be responsible for your subnormal intelligence.
+Hey, I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and probed, not insulted.
+We could remove the crayon for you. It could vastly increase your brain power... or it could possibly kill you.
+Hmmm. Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it.
+Oh, Homer, where have you been?
+I just underwent a procedure to increase my IQ fifty points.
+Really?
+And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble, too.
+Do you feel smarter?
+Is the capital of North Dakota Bismarck?
+I don't believe it. Say something else smart.
+Dr. Joyce Brothers may be well known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect.
+It's true!
+Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say "liberry" or "tomorry".
+I'd love to go to the library with you.
+It's a date!
+Dad, did you read all these books today?
+Everything from Hop on Pop to Death Be Not Proud. It's so tragic, the way they hopped on pop.
+I always dreamed you'd be my library buddy.
+Get out!
+No, really. I think books have an amazing power to bring people together. Look, even Cletus is checking one out.
+Now, holt still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.
+Ow! Dang it!
+That sonata may not be a Glenn Gould performance, but I must say it's "good as Gould".
+Hey, Flanders, headin' for church? Well, I thought I could save you a little time.
+Oooh, found a new short cut?
+Better. I was working on a flat tax proposal, and I accidentally proved there's no God.
+We'll just see about that-- Uh-oh. Well, maybe he made a mistake-- Nope. It's airtight.
+Can't let this little doozy get out.
+Welcome to the third lecture in our series on "Not Putting Things Up Your Nose." Please welcome Homer Simpson.
+I am here to give hope to the least of you. Because we all have a crayon up our nose. Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice...
+Question!
+Yes, Nelson?
+A moron says what?
+Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However, .
+Wake up, Homer.
+Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron!
+Haw haw!
+You see? It's cool to be smart.
+So be like me, and use your minds: paint a painting, sing a song, and dance a dance!
+Thank you. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we are canceling art, music, and dance. Please evacuate the auditorium before it's bulldozed into a mini-mall.
+So, is that your usual coffee mug?
+Huh. Looks a little bigger.
+It's not.
+Whatcha mailin', Homer?
+I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant.
+How come you're not giving it to Mr. Burns?
+I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities, and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
+Yeah. And just in time. Every day there's more skin on my pillow.
+Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant. Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece.
+Comfy, isn't it?
+Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom -- and protection -- I so sorely need.
+It seems the Federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistle blower.
+Now, while the plant is brought up to code, there will be massive layoffs. That is to say, total layoffs. Toodles!
+Huh. Way to put us out of work, genius.
+I can't feed my family with a codpiece.
+Wait, you can't hate me. I'm your better! Your better!
+Oh, you've really done it this time, Dum Dum.
+Burn! Burn! Burn!
+Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy. Hey, that's me!
+Stop that! The fire inspector would be appalled.
+Don't tell me how to feel.
+So you all hate me?
+That's right, Brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for workin'.
+Not to mention drivin' to.
+And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.
+You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
+Hmm, I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern...
+Power off, Einstein.
+Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
+Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact, I made a graph.
+I make a lot of graphs.
+Well, what gets you through the day?
+Oh, many things: Tai Chi, Chai Tea... But I find, when I can't keep the unhappy thoughts from swirling in my brain, the best thing is usually a nice long walk.
+A walk? That's a really good idea.
+Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
+One groom... two grooms... But he... But you can't... Oh, my medication!
+Radical!
+Is that your final answer?
+I don't understand. That wasn't funny.
+Wait a minute! Somebody's not laughing here. It's him!
+Hey, don't blame me. This movie is tired and predictable. You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere.
+I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob...
+... ably played by Bill Paxton.
+It's Bill Pullman, you fool!
+Point out your plot holes elsewhere!
+Is there no place for the man with a 105 IQ?
+I'm a Spaulding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was!
+I'm sorry. We don't play God here.
+That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play God! And I think your octoparrot would agree.
+Polly shouldn't be!
+Look, what if we gave you the name of an unlicensed surgeon?
+Oh, that would be heaven!
+Moe Szyslak?!
+That's right. I'm a surgeon.
+So whaddaya want here? Uh, Appendectomy, lipo, or the "sampler"? That's very popular.
+I want you to stick this crayon into my brain.
+No problem. The ol' Crayola oblongata.
+Ah, now for a little powder blue.
+Oh, no. He wouldn't!
+All right, tell me when I hit the sweet spot.
+Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner-pusher.
+All right, all right.
+Dee-fense! Dee-fense!
+That's pretty dumb... But uh...
+Extended warranty? How can I lose?
+Perfect.
+Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
+Who wants lottery tickets?
+Okay, it's in his brain.
+Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.
+We were what what in a what what?
+Yeah, which reminds me, I need a sandwich.
+Hey, what's this?
+The wrestler?
+I'unno. Must be sumpin' I wrote before Moe fixed me.
+"Lisa: I'm taking the coward's way out. But before I do, I just want you to know: Being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are."
+Oh, Dad.
+Huh? Oh, you want a hug. Well that, I know how to do.
+Mmm... hug.
+Homer, get up! Up, up, up!
+Whuzzit... My juice box!
+Sorry, Homie, but you promised to take me to the Apron Expo today.
+Just give me ten more hours.
+C'mon. You and the kids always wanna do fun stuff, but today we're doing something I like.
+They're unveiling a combination apron/smock. It's called a "Smapron."
+Did you say "Smockron"?
+No, "Smapron."
+C'mon, it'll be fun.
+Man, that was a good Apron Expo.
+I'm gonna wear my apron on the Fourth of July.
+And this lead apron will keep me safe downstairs.
+Heh, heh. "Grill Power."
+I'm a little disappointed. There were too many aprons.
+It was great, all right. But all I wanna do right now is hit the adjustable sack with a good juice box. Because when all is said and done... Prison rodeo!?
+Welcome to Waterville State Penitentiary.
+The contestants you'll see today are actual prisoners on a break from their telemarketing duties. Now, here comes our first outlaw!
+Yee-ha!
+Ooo, doggie! Well, don't feel too bad for him, folks. He's in here for erecting a Nativity scene on city property.
+There's so much evil in the world.
+Nexxxxt!
+No, Delbert. We're not slaughtering the animals.
+It's not like that, Warden.
+We was just havin' a conversation. Ain't that right?
+Next up's a real lowlife.
+Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison... Say hello to Jack Crowley.
+Yee-ha!
+Go, bull! Toss his salad!
+Oooh, he's down. And it looks like Ol' Tornado wants to caramelize his creme brulée.
+Yeah! Do that!
+Somebody help him!
+Relax, they've got rodeo clowns.
+Is my lipstick even?
+Go like this.
+Hey! Hey, over here! Here, bully, bully, bully, bully, bully!
+That's not gonna do it, Marge. You need something red.
+Hey, Toro! Here's something to gore!
+Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.
+Now, for a little calming blue.
+Hey, where's your blue shirt?
+I don't have a blue shirt.
+Maybe it's the tear gas or maybe this was the best damned prison rodeo ever.
+How's your back, Homie?
+I can't complain.
+Naw, that's for the prisoners. You can complain all you want.
+Oh God, my back! It hurts so much, and my job is so unfulfilling!
+Try to focus on something else. Umm... You like Jimi Hendrix, right?
+Uh-huh.
+Hey, give that back!
+Well, look at that painting.
+Wow. The artist really captured Jimi's passion and intensity.
+And his fondness for the guitar.
+Thank you kindly, ma'am. They won't give us art supplies, so I had to paint it with pudding.
+A convict painted that?
+Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift.
+You kiddin'?
+Look, he painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm askin' you, what's it breathin'?
+Ain't no air in space.
+There's an Air in Space Museum.
+Oh God, my back...
+Let's get outta this gosh-forsaken heck-hole.
+What a waste of talent.
+A sunset!
+They are coming back for us, aren't they?
+I'unno.
+How's your back, Dad?
+Well, there's a dull ache, certainly. And overlaid on that is a club sandwich of pain. Only instead of bacon, there's agony. Marge, can I have a BLT?
+What are you looking at?
+Oh, nothing... How would you feel if I did some volunteer work at the prison?
+First I'd feel like having a BLT, then proud of you.
+Oh, Homie. I knew you'd support me.
+My back!
+Mrs. Marge Simpson. I'm here to teach an art class.
+Ooh, art class. La dee dah.
+This is Ike Pross. He's going to solitary.
+Ooh, solitary. La dee dah.
+Welcome to "Freeing the Artist Within." Not literally, of course.
+Okay. Now, I wanted to paint fresh fruit, but the prison cafeteria would only give me sauerkraut.
+That's depressing.
+Let's let a little sunshine in.
+Question?
+Can I smell your dress?
+Hey, you show some respect. This one here is not for smellin'.
+Why, thank you, Jack.
+No problem. Now, let's paint.
+Hey, can I smell your clothes?
+Your spine is more twisted than Sinbad's take on marriage.
+So? Just gimme some drugs and surgery.
+Oh, I'd love to. But, ah, to be honest, modern medicine has a lousy record of treating the back. We spend too much time on the front.
+Yeah, there's some neat stuff on the front.
+I'm gonna send you to my chiropractor.
+Hey, I thought real doctors hated chiropractors.
+Well, that is our official stance. But between you, me and my golf clubs, they're miracle workers.
+That's charming, Sardonicus, but try to use less of a stabbing action and more of a brushing stroke.
+Yeah, see how much better that feels?
+Yes. Much better.
+Oh Jack, that's so soulful. How did someone so sensitive end up here?
+Well, if you really gotta know, I shot a guy named Apu.
+Oh. Well, you know, lots of people shoot Apu. It's just a hundred-dollar fine now.
+Maybe I belong in here. I got a lotta anger.
+I don't see any anger. I see a yearning for freedom... Um, do you have a title?
+A Time to Kill.
+Titles are hard.
+Hello, Homer. I'm Doctor Steve. Please lie down.
+Less yakkin', more crackin'.
+Now Homer, we don't actually "crack" backs. It's merely an adjustment. Okay, you're gonna hear a loud cracking sound.
+There we go.
+Hey, it feels a little better.
+Mm-hmm, I thought it might. Now, I'll need to see you three times a week for... many years.
+So, how was it in the slammer?
+Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.
+That Bob.
+Oh, and guess who's up for parole? My diamond-in-the-rough.
+That scary guy?
+Scary talented. And I'm gonna make sure the parole board knows it.
+You gonna bribe 'em?
+I might grease the wheels of justice with some cookies.
+Oh, can I have some?
+Not till you finish your sundae.
+Is that enough?
+Two more bites.
+I'm sure your macaroons are scrumptious, Marge. But I've seen this warden turn down brownies. Honest to goodness brownies.
+Oh, it's you. Well, just let me ink up my old "denied" stamp.
+Warden, please. This man is a gentle soul. I know he's made mistakes, but someone with his talent belongs on a boardwalk doing caricatures. Not behind bars.
+Lady, I know he charmed you with some "pleases" and "thank yous", but he wasn't so polite to the guy he shot.
+Actually, he was. He waited with me till the ambulance came, then ran like a deer.
+Well, that's mighty nice. But, if I let this creep out, would you like him skulking around your neighborhood?
+Honestly, it wouldn't bother me.
+One, two, better-not-sue...
+Well lady, I'm gonna call your bluff. The prisoner is hereby paroled into your custody.
+Oh, my Goodness!
+I'm free? Oh, Mrs. Simpson...
+Oh. Geez, I'm sorry. Sorry.
+You won't regret this.
+I hope this is okay. It's not very prison-y.
+It's more than I deserve, ma'am. Now, which way is Mecca, 'cause I gotta do a little prayin'.
+Uh, Mecca? Well, let's...
+I'm just yankin' your chain. I'm Jewish.
+Ow! Owww, my back. Dr. Steve didn't do anything.
+Did you do those exercises he gave you?
+Yeah, right. I did 'em while you were studying.
+Are you okay?
+Yeah... In fact...
+I feel fantastic!
+That trash can must have unkinked your back.
+Not "trash can," son. Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder! Patent pending.
+Okay, okay.
+And as you can see, the unique dents in my invention perfectly match the contours of the human vertebrains.
+Patent pending... Patent pending... Patent pending... Hey, who's this guy?
+You remember Jack... He's that talented painter who had a little brush with the law.
+You brought a convict to live here, near my unpatented idea?
+I seen your idea and I don't want it. All I need is three squares and a job.
+That's right, a job.
+I know just where you can get one.
+So, Homer, you think you can fix my sciatica?
+Hmm. I don't know what that is, so I'm gonna say yes. Now, go limp.
+I'm limp.
+Hey, it worked! My searing leg pain is now a gentle numbness.
+Yes, uh, my car seems to have broken down and I was wondering if I could use your...
+That's a forcing motion...
+Simpson, you're not a licensed chiropractor. And you're stealing patients from me and Dr. Steffi!
+Boy, talk about irony. The AMA tries to drive you guys out of business. Now you're doing the same to me. Think about the irony...
+You've been warned. Stop chiropracting.
+Not unless you think about the irony.
+I read in the Daily Fourth Gradian that you need someone to paint a mural.
+Yes, school spirit is down 3.4 percent!
+Well, Jack here will do great work for you.
+Oh, any references?
+Well... to be honest with ya, I've spent the last six years in Waterville State...
+It's a small liberal arts college. Very law-abiding. No convicts at all.
+Well, the only other one to apply was Moe Syszlak, and his stuff scares the hell out of me.
+How could anyone consider that making love? All right, Jack, you're hired. I'll clear you out a cubby.
+You told a lie for me.
+I know... But the Lord will forgive me if it helps you get a second chance.
+Actually, Marge, it's the third if you count that farm couple.
+Farm couple?!
+But I got a good feelin' about this one, Marge. I really do.
+That is awesome. Finally, art that doesn't suck!
+Dear Lord! What are you doing?
+You don't like it?
+No, no, it's all wrong. The shapely female form has no place in art.
+But, uh, what I thought is...
+I sketched out exactly what I wanted.
+Yeah, I know. But see what I was going for here...
+Did you even look at the napkin?
+Oh, I was in the zone that day.
+Yeah, ya see, I didn't wanna go so cutesy wootsy...
+Because...?
+Because it's not my style.
+Well, if you want to keep this job, you'll make it your style.
+All right. You're the bossman, ain't ya.
+Darn right, I'm the boss. Don't forget, I can send you back where you came from... college boy.
+That punk Skinner. I had more freedom back at the joint.
+Oh, Jack. I know you hate to betray your artistic vision, but just do it.
+I guess I could bend a little.
+Just till you make it. Remember, I believe in you.
+Thanks, Marge. Listen, if you're done with that washing machine, can I make some booze in it?
+Not until you finish your sundae.
+Yes, ma'am.
+What's wrong with my sundaes?
+Careful, I'm frail.
+Okay, that should do it, Moe.
+Hey, it don't hurt no more. Heh. Now I can focus on my crippling emotional pain. Oh, Daddy, Daddy, why? Why won't you hug me? You hug the mailman.
+Excuse me, sir.
+Is this El Clínico Magnífico?
+Ah, you saw our bus ad.
+We'd, uh, like to invest in your spinal adjustment device.
+We might be able to do business.
+We'll need to take some photographs.
+Hey, where're you going with that?
+Whooaa.
+Wait a minute, no investor could bend like that.
+They're chiropractors!
+C'mon, c'mon, let's go!
+Nooo! My Spine-O-Cylinder!
+They'll pay for what they did to my can.
+Forget it, Homer. It's Chiro-town.
+You know, when Superintendent Chalmers suggested a school mural, I almost thought he said a school Muriel. Muriel's his sister. And uh... Thank you, Bruce Vilanch.
+Whoopi would have made it work.
+And now, I present "Puma Pride" by a college-educated artist...
+Jack Crowley.
+Man, is that wimpy!
+What happened to the cool one?
+Well, my original idea was...
+Jeepers, that's sugary, even for my taste.
+Yeah, but Skinner said I had to...
+Skinner! How are we going to raise school spirit with this sappy hokum?
+I know, sir. It's an embarrassment.
+This isn't what I wanted! Where's the edge?
+I followed your napkin...
+No napkin could wipe the crumbs of failure from your mouth.
+Oh, don't fight. All great art is controversial at first. But years from now, people will point to these cuddly little creatures, and say, "That's a Jack Crowley."
+Now, ah, pizza's working well on Thursday, but I think the kids will follow it to Tuesday.
+That's what you said about the stuffed peppers, and ye lost the young males.
+Principal Skinner! The school's on fire!
+Spread! Spread! Spread! Spread! Spread! Spread!
+It's crystal clear who did this: Jack Crowley.
+Now wait, you don't know that Jack did this. Just because he's an ex-con...
+Crowley's an ex-con?! Dear Lord, I've peed in front of him!
+Hey, check it out!
+Ha! Now that's a mural!
+It's so passionate. It almost leaps off the wall.
+That felon could have torched the whole school... were it not stuffed with asbestos.
+We'll catch Crowley. And then he'll learn the "fine art" of police brutality.
+Psst. Marge, over here.
+Oh, Jack... You threw it all away, over a stupid feud with Skinner.
+Look, I'll admit I hate Skinner. But I didn't start that fire.
+Then why are you hiding?
+C'mon, Marge. With my rap sheet, they can't wait to send me back to prison. And you can't believe the foul language in that place.
+So you really didn't do it?
+Marge, look in my eyes. I swear to you, I did not do it.
+I believe you, Jack. Now let's get you out of here... Wait for my signal.
+Oh, Chief! I found some evidence that points to the real arsonist.
+Well, let's see it.
+Not yet. You have to guess what it is.
+We don't have time for guessing games.
+Nah, let's try it. It might be fun. Is it DNA?
+So, it's like DNA... Umm... A hatchet?
+You had a turn. I want to guess.
+Oh, geez...
+My car!
+Puma pride! Puma pride! Catch the fever, Skinner!
+Come on, Romeo.
+You crumb-bum. You looked me right in the eye and lied to me.
+Marge, this is the God's truth. I burned the mural, but I did not burn Skinner's car.
+I just saw you! Get him outta here, Chief!
+Yes ma'am.
+My wife and I like watching that "Oz" show on HBO. Uh, is prison really like that?
+Wouldn't know, we only get basic cable.
+Ouch! I also like that "Sex and the City." None of those girls look like my wife.
+Sportscenter's not bad.
+Eh, I never got that show.
+What's to get? They just tell the scores.
+Yeah, I s'pose. Hey, you ever meet any mob guys? Are they really like "The Sopranos"?
+I told you, we just get basic cable.
+Oh, right, right, right.
+Listen, if I'm gettin' too chatty, just uh, just tell me to shut up.
+Nah, I'm enjoying it. Hey, you ever watch that strong man contest? They're pretty good. Those guys look strong. All the guys in prison say they're gay. But I don't know. They look strong to me.
+Mmm, good pancakes, Mom.
+Thank you, honey. They come in a squeeze bottle now.
+I'd better put on the silencer.
+You know what'd be good with these, is some Ms. Butterworth.
+Let's have a breakfast meeting.
+Eww, how long has this baking soda been in here?
+I don't know. It came with the house.
+Hey Dad, bet you five bucks you can't eat the whole box.
+Five? Why don't we make it fifty?
+You're gonna regret this.
+I'll call poison control. Fran, it's me. Just a heads-up.
+Wow, the absorbed odors of a million meals...
+You said it, partner!
+So many flavors! All those tasty memories flooding back!
+If it doesn't fit, you must acquit...
+Therefore, I shall resign the presidency...
+That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind...
+Uh-oh. Dad's having an antacid trip.
+And I won fifty bucks!
+Can I see the fifty, Bart? Can I? Huh?
+Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.
+My doctor says I'm not supposed to go on sprees.
+What about jags?
+Jags are fine.
+Wonderful.
+A fifty dollar bill!
+Gentlemen, let us shop.
+Our wide variety of gum comes in both stick and ball.
+I'm not really about gum. But I like the whole chewing thing...
+Are you averse to crispy centers, sir?
+Not at all.
+Then we have much to discuss.
+Too much raw bacon.
+C'mon Bart, we can't stop spending now.
+There's one thing I've always wanted to do.
+My mom doesn't believe in fabric softener. But she's not around!
+I'm picking the next thing.
+Looks like we're down to our last ten bucks Hello.
+Radioactive Man #1000, please.
+Ten dollars? I laugh at you.
+Please to note: This is no ordinary comic book. It is in perma-mint condition. If you spill soda on it, the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics.
+Yes, you are quite correct to gasp. Also, note the price: twenty-five dollars.
+We had to buy lunch for that homeless guy.
+While my son's at fat camp, I cleaned out his room. How much will you give me for this?
+Probably nothing. But let us see...
+Oh, handwritten script for "Star Wars" by George Lucas... Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape... Film reel labeled "Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca". I'll give you five dollars for the box.
+Don't do it, lady. That stuff's worth thousands.
+Yeah, he's rippin' you off.
+Well, if this is valuable, then back to the leaky basement it goes!
+Smile, please. Thank you.
+Son, I know it hurts. I still remember my first lifetime banning...
+Hey, where's my melon?
+And you are banned for life from all of my performances and TV specials.
+I can still see your movies, right?
+...And I never saw Gallagher again.
+Ooh, it says here that special effects whiz Tom Savini is gonna be appearing at the comic book store tonight!
+Tom Savini?
+Yes, it says here he's the movie magician behind "Creepshow," "Friday the 13th" and "Dawn of the Dead."
+I can't believe I'm gonna miss that!
+Don't worry your spiky little head. I've got it all planned out.
+How could you have it planned out? You just heard about the problem.
+You're right. Gimme a minute. Hmmm.
+Mister Simpson, it hurts!
+Yeah. And why did we have to do this all the way from home?
+Get him!
+For once in my life I'm tall. Don't take that away from me.
+Hell-o, I'm Shaquille O'Neal. Let us in, please.
+You two are not welcome.
+Sorry, son.
+Thanks for the tip-off.
+No problem.
+Appearing exclusively here at the Android's Dungeon -- take that, Messrs. Barnes and Noble -- the King of Splatter, Tom Savini.
+Good evening. Sorry... I-I had a really big dinner...
+Woo! Dinner!
+But, I'm sure one more French fry wouldn't hurt.
+Oh, we missed the gutbuster!
+Yeah. That should be us covered with blood!
+Sure, computer technology is here to stay. But there'll always be a place for the practical special effects wizard.
+I love the theater.
+Oh, please. I saw Paul Lynde do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched. Try to explode this out of my belly.
+That's not a cookie.
+That's a time-release blood pack.
+You, sir, are a perfect patsy. Let me shake your hand.
+Uhh, to the gag I will give a D-plus. As for the workmanship on the hand...
+Ooh, ooh, oooh! That's not right!
+You mocking me?! Oh, that is rich!
+Stop your laughing! You're all banned! Banned, I tell you!
+Breath... short! Left arm... numb! Can't go on... describing symptoms much longer!
+I think he's had a heart attack.
+And stay out!
+Young man, you've had what we call a cardiac episode.
+Worst... episode... ever.
+Ohh, not even close. If these boys hadn't called 911 , I'd be wearing that watch right now. Just kidding. But you would be dead.
+You saved my life?
+Yeah. After you were so mean to us.
+So, now we're even.
+My prognosis -- or is it "diagnosis"? Whichever, you need to avoid stress. What kind of work do you do?
+I run a comic book store.
+Oh, dear Lord! We call that profession "The Widowmaker!" Or we would, if any of the proprietors were married. You should close down the store for a while.
+But I'd lose all my business to Frodo's of Shelbyville.
+Well then get a friend to run it for you. You do have friends, don't you?
+Well, Superfriends...
+You should get some friends who aren't printed on paper.
+You mean action figures?
+We'll run the store for ya.
+Two ten-year-olds running my store... What is this? Bizarro World?!
+Calm down. Don't make me put a dog heart in there.
+Can you believe it, Bart? We're actually running a comic book store.
+Looks like our lifetime ban just expired.
+Sorry, sorry.
+Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: "A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting..."
+That's just his shopping list.
+No, it's his instructions.
+Well, we're gonna make some changes around here. This store's gonna be run by kids and for kids.
+Ah, nice to see ya'... Hey, how 'bout that Bloodzilla? Vampire Dinosaur, ohh, you can't make that stuff up...
+"The Death of Sad Sack." This better not be another fake-out.
+Uh-uh, you gotta be forty inches tall for the adult section.
+Pleeeease?
+Okay, but get on your tippy-toes.
+Everybody's hugging!
+Hey Bart, I finished organizing the stock room.
+Mark down the Poochie crap. And then unstick all the Supergirls.
+You know, if we're partners, maybe you should do some of the work.
+Less barking, more marking.
+Yes sir, partner.
+Now, when you've got a bum ticker like we do, you need all the friends you can get. And Moe's is the friendliest place in the Rum District.
+Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with you. I'll give ya till "three."
+Hey Homer, who's the manatee?
+Aw, now, be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital.
+Ooh, sorry. Ah, lemme buy ya a drink.
+Very well.
+I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps.
+Ah, these, aah, they're just painted on, there. Your choices are beer and, ah... egg soakin's.
+I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
+Hey, you knockin' beer?
+Nobody badmouths Duff!
+Uh, piece o' crap.
+C'mon, you're here to make friends.
+Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.
+Oh, now he's raggin' on air conditioners.
+Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal!
+Is there a word in Klingon for "Loneliness"?
+Oh, yes.
+Milhouse, I'm impressed.
+The store is so busy. You and Bart are really great businessmen.
+Well I'm really the brains. Bart's just the eye candy.
+Hi, Eric Reynolds, Plan Nine Comics. Is, uh, the manager here?
+Well, I'm kinda the co-manager...
+Tough break, toots. I need a man who answers to no one. A full manager.
+Hatchi-matchi.
+I can help you, sir. And I answer to no one.
+Well, then you'll want to stock up on our new superhero.
+Would you say he's the ultimate superhero?
+Oh, very ultimate, indeed. Point your peepers at Biclops!
+A superhero with glasses!
+Oh yeah, thick glasses. Hm, kinda like yours. So, how many ya need? Five hundred? Six hundred?
+Six hundred sounds good.
+Aw, that's too bad. There's a price break at a thousand.
+Oh, man...
+I'll take two thousand.
+Human contact - the final frontier.
+Outta the way, Tubby!
+Oh, pardon me, Oldie Hawn.
+Why, you ill-mannered sack-a crap.
+Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.
+You are the rudest man who ever... bought me dinner.
+Correction. I do not believe I have ever bought you... Ohh.
+So, how many issues of Biclops would you like?
+Biclops? Who's his girlfriend, Lois Lame?
+He's kinda afraid of girls.
+It doesn't even smack good.
+How could you spend all our money on a comic published by Lens Crafters?
+We'll never sell these. Birds won't even use them in their nests.
+Okay, so I made one bad decision.
+It's my fault for leaving you in charge. Sometimes I forget how young you are.
+I'm only three months younger than you.
+Oh, look, you're gettin' cranky. You haven't had your juice.
+Well, my straw broke off in the carton. That's not the point! We're supposed to be partners, and you're pushing me around like a Playskool Corn Popper.
+It's a vacuum cleaner, Milhouse.
+Whatever. I demand respect! I have feelings! I'm a human boy, just like you!
+Shhhh. Use your indoor voice.
+Okay, that's it!
+Aieeeeeee!
+En garde!
+Eat watering can, partner!
+Whoa...
+Comic Book Guy's secret stash!
+Look at all these bootleg videos! "Alien Autopsy" "Illegal Alien Autopsy", "Godfather III -- Good Version"...
+He's got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose!
+Look, he's picking his nose!
+I'll be right down! I'm just putting on my witch hazel. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
+So, uh, your mother tells me you go to Springfield Elementary.
+Exactly what is your interest in my mother?
+She makes me laugh.
+Here I co-ome...
+Good Lord, Mother! I can see your... figure!
+Oh, you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check.
+What I do for my allowance money is nobody's business.
+He's not nobody. He might even be your new daddy...
+"Police informant tape?" These are never supposed to leave the station!
+I really hate to be a snitch.
+Don't worry. Your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
+Well, in that case... My neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house. It's ah, it's taken over the whole top floor.
+It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him. What's next?
+Mister Rodgers drunk.
+Well, whaddaya mean I can't take off my sweater? I'm hot!
+You know, I'll bet kids would pay to see this stuff. We could have a midnight screening right here in the store.
+That's actually a great idea, Milhouse.
+Really? Well, I was due.
+I'll say... Partner.
+So many restaurants...
+I can't decide. I throw myself on the mercy of the food court.
+Umm... I guess I'll, I'll have the chicken Tandoori.
+And I'll have the beef Wellington.
+Oh, look at you two. You look so "couple-y."
+Yes, we're a perfect match. Her sneer just lights up my day.
+And we're always finishing each other's insults.
+That does my heart good.
+Sunsets. Thank God there's only one of these a day.
+Could it be any more orange?
+I must warn you that once this next tape starts, it will not stop. Because that button is broken.
+Let's watch.
+If you are watching this tape, you are the President of the United States. Hello Sir, or Ma'am... hopefully Sir.
+Got that right.
+The town of Springfield has been classified N.W.B., or "Nuclear Whipping Boy." In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations, to calibrate their missiles.
+Now, for total security, I will terminate the cameraman.
+Thanks a lot, Steve.
+Awright, this is a raid!
+Well, well, well... This place has got more pirated tapes than, uh...
+A Chinese K-Mart?
+Well, that'll have to do. Uh, these yours, son?
+No, sir. We're just exhibiting them for profit without permission.
+Fair enough. But the owner is in more hot water than...
+A Japanese tea bag?
+Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou.
+Well, you've changed me, Agnes. Maybe there is room in my store for romance comics.
+Nobody'll buy those. Your store smells. Now kiss me, Funny Face.
+All ri-- Oh, oh, dear God. Cover your eyes, boys.
+That's okay, man. If it doesn't affect you, you're not human.
+Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos. But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on. Fast.
+They can't lock me up for long, Agnes. Will you wait for me?
+Are you crazy? My bones are half dust.
+Well, we may not have the store, but at least we're friends again.
+Yep. And we haven't been to school in days and days and days.
+Oh, well. Looks like everything's back to normal.
+Look, if you want me to turn, just point. That w...
+Ow! It's one-way!
+Ow! Now what was that for?
+Ow! Ow!
+Stop that! And get ready! We're going to the old folks' talent show. Now get washed up.
+With pleasure.
+Ever notice after dialysis you always get THE MUN-CHIES...
+He's saying the stuff we all forgot.
+And you know what I can't open...? Cabinets.
+Can he say that?
+You know what else scares me? Everything!
+Get that one! Faster! You got half time for the other ones. Oh, good. Oh no, that one's slowing up! Oh, good. Oh, that one's wobbling! Oh, up... you got that before I even said it.
+WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?
+OW! OW! OW! OWWW! / WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?
+OH, GOD, NOOOO!
+Wasn't he great, folks? Now, all the contestants are gonna receive extra servings of honey-mush.
+But there can only be one winner. And, eh, since Abe's already standing here, what the heck?...
+Wow, a free auto!
+No, keep reading.
+Hey, let's get this down to the funeral home before they try to back out.
+Hmm. Well, this autopsy coupon appears to be valid. What other funerary services may we provide for the pre-deceased?
+Oh, the whole deal. Coffin. Tombstone. Anti-stink spray.
+Sir, we prefer the term "casket" to "coffin." And "monument" to "tombstone." We have all the leading brands of anti-stink spray.
+What funny names.
+He's heading into Dead Man's Curve!
+Hey, get me outta here! Hey!
+Oh, the living... Well, fortunately, this model features the CadavaCam.
+Heh, heh, heh. Look at 'im go.
+That thing got picture-in-picture?
+Of course! This is the "Contempo."
+Ah, geez. How come they never call traveling anymore?
+This is the deluxe area. The caskets are buried in unused, virgin graves; the monuments are completely self-cleaning and there is an optional "weeping widow" service.
+Wally, Wally, Wally...
+Irving, oh, Irving...
+Ooh, bury me over here. Pleeeease?
+Whoa, whoa, this is gettin' kind of pricey.
+Sir, what lies beyond this life is a mystery. But we do know for sure that God prefers people who travel in style.
+Hear that? If you cheapskate me into Hell, I'll haunt you good. Imagine this when you're sittin' on the john:
+O-kay, with mole insurance, your total comes to... seventeen thousand dollars.
+Or, you could just toss him in the woods and let the wolves carry him off. It's really up to you.
+Mr. Salesman?
+We're gonna go with the wolves.
+Beat it!
+Dad, I love you this much.
+But that's just under nine hundred dollars. I wish I could go seventeen thousand, but...
+Sir, if I may, think of it as an investment in extravagance.
+The Mauso-palooza can be seen from space. It will consume as much cement as a regulation-size tennis court.
+Tennis court, eh?...
+Oh, I can't believe we went through all that, just to wind up with a tennis court.
+I'll bet you didn't see that comin'.
+You don't care what happens to me when I die.
+Of course I do, Dad.
+And if it were up to me, you wouldn't die at all...
+But try tellin' that to Killy McGee up there.
+What on Earth are you doing?
+Practicing tennis.
+That's tennis?! Then what's the one where the chicks whale on each other?
+Foxy boxing?
+Yes! That's what I wanted!
+And finally, make sure the net is tight and springy.
+That seems about right.
+You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy. I hear Mel Brooks has one. I mean, Sir Mel Brooks.
+And it's bad news for the gophers.
+And it's gonna do wonders for our social life.
+Yeah, it'd be nice to entertain friends and have people over.
+Hey, you got a tennis court.
+Keep walkin', Flanders.
+Will do.
+Fas-ter.
+Sorry, I grunted way too early.
+We win again!
+Hey, this was a lot of fun, guys.
+Yeah. We never knew nobody with their own tennis rink.
+So, what happens now? Is the food free? Or do we pay someone?
+Of course not. They send you a bill.
+Well, that's why I asked. That's how you learn -- by askin', you dumbass.
+Can you believe it? Kent Brockman playing on our court!
+Match point.
+And how about that Stephanie the weather girl?
+Homer, ball!
+That's game, set, and match to us. But the real winners here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
+Wow. How do you come up with such witty remarks?
+Well...
+C'mon, c'mon. Hurry up.
+I guess you could say, "It's my racket!"
+I guess you could say, "I'm Iraqi!"
+Get off my property.
+...so from now on, all hats are banned from the school.
+Even bonnets?
+Especially bonnets.
+I've had it with that school!
+Chief Wiggum! Are you here to make a bust of some kind?
+No, we're just uh... checking to make sure you're having a crime-free morning.
+As far as I know.
+Hey, you know what'd be a real crime?
+What's that, Lou?
+Uh, lettin' that tennis court go to waste.
+Would you boys like to play tennis?
+Why yes. Yes we would.
+Okay, we'll be right out.
+Let's roll, Lou.
+Take it, Lou.
+Well hello, Marge. Lovely day for tennis, eh?
+I thought you had your own court.
+He did, but he had it converted into a human chessboard.
+Hey, Burns has been gone for a while.
+Let's make a run for it.
+Come back, fools! Protect me!
+Hey, check it out! I'm surfing the net!
+His clowning around is putting me at ease.
+Yes! We win again!
+Will you get serious, Homer? I'd like to win at least once.
+Come on, Marge -- all sports have their lovable clowns: John Rocker, O.J. Simpson, Dorf...
+Hey, Homer. Here's a bloopie for ya.
+I've got it! It's in the bag!
+Hey Chief, we're gonna bust up that crackhouse tonight.
+We did that last night.
+Yeah, but this time we got the right address. Uh, you comin'?
+Well, I'd love to, Lou, but, ah, I'm playing tennis at the Simpsons' again.
+Ooh. Maggie, are your ears burning?
+The Simpsons? You mean the L.A. Clippers of backyard tennis?
+Yeah, they're easier to beat than a suspect in shackles.
+Pretty easy to beat a suspect in shackles, Chief.
+Well, that's the joke, Lou. It's on the Simpsons and their easy beatability.
+I think they enjoy being humiliated.
+I don't know what's sadder about the Simpsons - the fact that we mock them or that they shall never know.
+Never, ever, ever.
+Do-I-have-cooties? No. Oh, this home testing kit saved me a fortune.
+You'll never guess what I heard in the supermarket today. I found out we're the laughingstock of the town.
+Ohhh, well that's bad news for Dingbat Charlie. He's gonna be crushed.
+I thought our tennis court was bringing us a little respectability. Instead, people make fun of our lousiness.
+Okay, now some of that is me.
+All of that is you. You've gotta take this more seriously.
+Okay, honey. I can see this means a lot to you. I'll practice till my elbow is swollen and discolored.
+That's all I ask.
+No, it's a smooth motion... You follow through with your racket.
+You know, this is such a beautiful day. I don't know why we don't operate outside more often.
+Time of death: 10:15.
+Good news, honey. I found a way to prove to the town we're not losers. I've entered us in a doubles tournament.
+What? We're not ready to compete!
+Don't worry. The tournament's not till tomorrow. Okay, get ready for the serve.
+Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
+How embarrassing. You take over, Bart.
+Lisa! Lisa, beer me.
+I'll be right out, honey.
+Oh, that's okay. Bart's doing fine. You just have another beer.
+Now that's the kinda nagging I can live with.
+So Barney's like "you're on your own, dude," and I'm like "not even."
+I don't know what this has to do with the Civil War.
+I'm getting to that.
+Lookin' good, Honey. I think you and I might just win this tournament dealy.
+Hey, Bart. Yeah, you got your daddy's hustle.
+Too busy to reply, huh? I know how that goes. Well, I think I'll go lay out my clothes for the tournament.
+Per-fect.
+Well, I'm ready for the big tournament.
+Hey there, son!
+Oh. Hi Dad.
+With that little outfit on, everyone's gonna think you're playing in the tournament.
+I am playing in the tournament.
+It's gonna be tough without a partner.
+I've got a partner.
+Well, good for you! Anyone I know?
+Yeah, you know her.
+Oh, hello, Homer.
+Good morning, partner!
+Uh, there's something I should tell you.
+The name of Bart's partner? I'm all ears.
+Well, actually, the name of Bart's partner is...
+Yes, darling?
+I'm Bart's partner.
+No. No, no, no. You're my partner.
+Dude, I think the lady's made her decision.
+Oh, I'm sorry, Homie. We'll talk about it later, okay?
+Traitors!
+I don't think they saw me.
+I'm gonna put my trophy on the mantle. How 'bout you?
+I was thinking mantle, too! Talk about being on the same wavelength.
+Hello, Marge.
+Hello, Bart. How are the tennis partners?
+Oh, Homey, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
+Don't touch me. Your hands feel like salad tongs.
+I just wanted to win for once. Please don't take it as a threat to your manhood.
+My manhood? I never thought of that!
+We were good, Dad. They asked us to play in the Krusty Klassic!
+It's for charity -- it benefits victims of balcony collapse.
+We can wipe out B.C. in our lifetime.
+I don't care about B.C., I care about M.E. My enjoyment.
+It's obvious what's happening. I'm being replaced by a younger, more in-your-face version of me.
+Dad, you're just going through a classic oedipal anxiety. You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you?
+Maybe five bucks would refresh my memory.
+Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
+Who pays for that wedding?
+I'm just saying you feel threatened by Bart, but it's all in your head.
+You're right. But just to be safe, maybe I should chain him up.
+Dad, I think you're overreacting.
+I think you're underreacting.
+This session's over.
+This session's under.
+Goodbye.
+Badbye.
+No. No. Stay away from my wife, Bart.
+Darling, you're so much handsomer than my first husband.
+I may have the looks, but he's the trophy husband.
+He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun. But it was the perfect place to shoot him.
+That's the guy! That's the guy from my dream!
+Go ahead and smile, smart guy. I'm gonna mop you up like turkey gravy.
+Are you sure you want me to be your doubles partner?
+Absolutely, sweetie.
+And you're not doing it out of spite?
+No, of course not. Now aim for your mother's heart.
+Dad, I don't want to enter the tournament just to hurt Mom.
+Oh, come on. You've been gunning for queen bee ever since you buzzed into this hive. Now serve!
+Did you make that awful effigy?
+Hey, leave my teammate alone!
+Lisa's your teammate?
+What's so funny? I'm better than you.
+Now Lisa, you know that's not true.
+How would you know? Your backhand looks like a rusty gate.
+Oh, you little-- Come on, Bart.
+Babies.
+Telegram for Lisa Simpson.
+Don't listen. It's a trick!
+Dear Lisa. Psych. Psych, psych, psych. Signed, Super-psych.
+I think he's trying to psych you out.
+Look, we're all trying to have dinner. So why don't we just... Psych! Psych! Psych!
+Oh, when did you buy that novelty hand, sir?
+This? Oh, it's just fluid collecting.
+Hey hey! What do ya think, folks? I hope I don't get arrested for racket-earring .
+Huh? Ehh, whaddaya want? I'm not gonna do "A" material for charity. And after all, that is why we're here.
+Well, look who's here. You two are goin' down.
+No we're not. You're going down.
+Did you hear that? She said we're goin' down!
+All we can do is play our very best.
+Oh, that's loser talk!
+Now I'd like to introduce two of the tennis world's most unbeatable players, Venus and Serena Williams.
+Unbeatable, eh?
+Comin' through... Hey, hi Otto... Sorry...
+What are you doing?
+That's our Dad's seat.
+Hey, that's great. Listen, I need a new doubles partner. My little girl's a lead weight.
+You're dumping your own daughter?
+Yeah, but only to crush my wife and son.
+That's horrible.
+Yeah, that's pretty low.
+Hm, you seem less disgusted. Let's go!
+Our next match is Marge and Bart Simpson...
+Booo! You rot!
+...versus Homer and Lisa...
+Up- bup...
+Sorry, that's Homer and Venus Simpson.
+Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
+Now Lisa, dumping is such a harsh word. Let's just say I'm replacing you.
+Forty-love.
+Once again, I'm outraged by this last-minute switch.
+We all got problems. I dropped my cookie.
+You sure you wanna risk it?
+It's totally unfair for one side to have a professional player.
+All right, all right, you guys can have Serena.
+I just ate a personal pizza.
+You're dumping me.
+Honey, I'll make it up to you in bottle rockets.
+Okay, swing. Run. Hit the thing. Now run across the...
+Oopsie!
+Marge, how bad do you want to win?
+Oh. Oh, I'd do anything.
+Good. Yo, Pete! Pete Sampras! Get over here!
+Yes! I'm in.
+Everybody's been dumped but me. I'm undumpable.
+My tennis stick!
+Who are you?
+I'm Andre Agassi.
+Come on, tubby, get off the court... Scat!
+Come on, let's play! I've gotta tape a Ho-Ho's commercial.
+Which one am I? Serena or Venus?
+You're Andre. I'm Serena.
+You're a girl.
+Why don't we stop this nonsense. I'm not mad anymore.
+Me neither. I'm just enjoying some world-class tennis.
+You know, there's a lesson here for all of us: it's better to watch stuff than to do stuff.
+After the tournament, let's go out for a nice family dinner.
+Courtesy of Pete Sampras.
+Sucker.
+Welcome back to America's favorite game shoooowwww...
+Me Wantee!
+And here's that question-asking guy... Virgil Sinclair!
+Alll right, Moe Szyslak...
+Yes, Virgil?
+Yesterday we asked if you wanted to risk it all for five hundred thousand dollars. And you stalled for twenty minutes.
+Yes, yes, I did. I was told to.
+Hey, that's great. But now, we must have your answer... in the next ten or fifteen minutes.
+You want some of this? Well, do ya?
+I can honestly say I do.
+Ah-all right, then. For a half a million dollars... Which of the following is not a subatomic particle?
+A) proton, B) neutron, C) bonbon, or D) electron?
+Oooh, boy. All right, let's see here, uh... Well I was born in Indiana... so that ain't it. And, uh... I better call my Lifeline.
+Y'ello!... Hey, Moe. We're watching you on TV.
+Yeah, I know, Homer.
+So, how's that bowel obstruction doing?
+Homer, please. Ha ha. I got a nuclear-type question, here.
+Well, it all starts when the nulecule comes out of its nest...
+The answer is "bonbon"!
+Ahh, I'm gonna say "bonbon."
+Bonbon, eh, Moe? Is that your ultimate response?
+Yuh-huh.
+Ohhh... You are correct!
+Ha ha ha. Well, Moe, would you like to stop where you are, or try for one million dollars?
+Well... Gee, I really do love currency... but, um, I think I'm gonna play it safe and stick with what I got.
+You're the boss.
+Yes, I am.
+Yayyy! / Woo!
+Eh, this quiz show crap is just a fad.
+Well, fad or not, it's here to stay.
+And it's killing your show in the ratings.
+Hey, whaddaya want from me? I do a kid show!
+And it's a classic. We just want you to open it up.
+Run wild. Shatter the boundaries. Slash and burn.
+Without alienating anyone.
+Oy, these facockta network notes. Can you believe this?
+All we're saying is be dangerous. But warm. And edgy-cute.
+Did that exit work for you?
+I'd like to see it without the scream.
+I was just thinking that.
+Hey, hey, kids. Let's hear it for Madame Mimi and her Cheese-Seeking Poodles!
+We'll be back with a sketch set in the craaaziest place -- a restaurant!
+Aaand roll commercial.
+Krusty? Yeah. Quick thought about this restaurant set.
+Could it look more like a diner?
+Ooo! The Seinfeld diner!
+Are you nuts? I'm on in five seconds.
+'Cause the great thing about Seinfeld was the--
+You're on, Krusty.
+Ah... Nothing like a meal in a fine restaurant. Ah, here comes the waitress.
+We're losing male teens. Can you get jiggy with something?
+You're givin' me notes while I'm on the air?! That tears it!
+Folks, I've been in show biz for 61 years, but now these jerks have sucked all the fun out. I don't need twelve suits tellin' me which way to pee...
+Uh, for "pee" could you substitute "whiz"?
+I... don't know. That could upset the "Cheez Whiz" people.
+I was just thinking that.
+I can't take it anymore! Folks, don't miss this Friday's show. It'll be my last.
+Quitting showbiz -- yeah, I know I like the area, but where does it go?
+Get away from me!
+We have more noootes!
+Get off, damn you! Ah!
+You can kill me but two more will take my plaaace!
+I can't believe Krusty's retiring. This is tragic!
+A world without Krusty -- what would that be like?
+What's on TV?
+Nutsy the clown.
+Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
+Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air before it becomes stale and repetitive.
+Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!
+Krusty the Clown's retirement has provoked an outpouring of anguish not seen since the small plane crash that killed the Banana Splits. We now go live to Krustylu Studios.
+What's the mood there, Chief Clancy Wiggum?
+These kids are gettin' a little out of hand, Kent, so we're gonna have to fire the time-out gas.
+Hey Kent, are you guys still having that contest where we guess what city the weather girl's in?
+That was eight years ago.
+Is it Pittsburgh?
+I spoke to Krusty about his legacy of laughter.
+Kent, the young people today, they think comedy is dirty words. It's not. It's words that sound dirty. Like mukluk.
+Mukluk. You like that? No charge. Mukluk.
+Mukluk.
+Oh, can it, you tiresome tot-sitter. I was the risible one in our dyad.
+Ever watch the old episodes?
+Ohh, Kent, that's a sad story.
+I taped over all my old episodes. Well, you know, I had a thing for Judge Judy, and blank tape was 3.99. What would you do?
+Those are my shows!
+Frankly Kent, those episodes were no big loss. The show didn't really get funny until we fired Sideshow Bob and hired Who'sits.
+You've erased my past. Now I'll erase your future.
+Hey, hey, lights out!
+Oh, honestly. At Chino they get to stay up till nine.
+Now Bob, I've talked to the warden at Chino, and that's just not true.
+Your Honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment. First, my prison-issued shower sandals are grossly undersized.
+Give what back, Lou?
+Secondly, the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books.
+These are from the new Tom Clancy. Although it's less painful than reading him. Am I right, folks?
+Motion granted! Release the prisoner!
+Now, don't try anything funny this time, Bob. I'm gonna be on you like red beans on, ah... uh, hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast.
+Hey, no fair. You got long legs. I got these little bitty hooves...
+Okay, here's your storage locker. Just the way you left it.
+Thank you, Raphael. Now, this is a ticklish question, but...
+You wanna live in the box? Cost ya two bucks a day.
+Oh, thank you, kind innkeeper.
+You gonna want a wake-up jab?
+Please.
+No problemo.
+Hiya, neighbor!
+Hey, wai-wai-wait. Wha-whatcha writin' there?
+If you must know, it's an exquisite scheme for revenge.
+Ah, revenge, huh? Half the guys in here are workin' on that.
+Well, mine's better.
+Phase One begins in ten... nine... eight... Oh, I can't wait!
+Now, Bob, uh, your graduate degrees more than qualify you to be assistant janitor.
+My blushes.
+But I am a bit troubled by your constant attempts to murder people.
+To be fair, most of those people were Bart Simpson.
+Good luck. That kid's like the Road Runner. He won't go down.
+Tell me about it.
+I-- You know, Bob, your voice would be perfect for the school's morning announcements.
+Attention: the French club picnic has been canceled. Quel dommage.
+Ha! You're hired.
+It begins.
+I mean, my announcing career. That's what's beginning.
+Good morning, Springfield Elementary.
+In the lost and found today we have one plaid kilt.
+I believe the clan is "Graham of Montrose."
+This new morning announcer sounds awfully familiar.
+And finally, Bart Simpson should immediately proceed, unescorted, to the old sports equipment shed behind the school.
+Ha. So long, suckers!
+RING AROUND THE ROSEY...
+Hello, Bart.
+Oh, it's you, Bob. How ya doin'?
+No screams? Not even an "eep"?
+Hey, I'm not afraid of you. Every time we tangle, you wind up in jail. I'm 6 and 0.
+I'll admit that the record is a little one-sided. But this time I cannot fail.
+Rakes. My old arch-enemy.
+I thought I was your arch-enemy.
+I have a life outside of you, Bart.
+What are you gonna do to me?
+Oh, believe me, I have a plan. Let's see... Get job as school announcer...lure Bart to shed...secure same to chair with rope... Ah, here we are. "Have Bart kill Krusty."
+Krusty?! That's the one man I would never kill.
+Oh, you will kill Krusty, during his final show -- and you won't even know you're doing it.
+Watch the shiny quarter, Bart... that's it... Oh, dammit, where'd it go?
+I needed that for laundry!
+Hey, stupid.
+You looked!
+Yes, that will do.
+Watch the spiral, Bart. Let it entrance you with its twirliness. Twirliness!
+You are in my power!
+I am at your command.
+I didn't say anything about command. If you're in my power, say so.
+I am in your power.
+Excellent... Actually, go back to "command." No, "power," "power."
+Look! Krusty invited us to the taping of his last episode.
+Hello, family.
+Where have you been, young man? It's nearly bedtime.
+I was... I was...
+If anyone asks, you were at the flower shop.
+I was at the flower shop.
+Oh, yeah, uh, I was at the flower shop today, too. Yup, gettin' drunk at the ol' flower shop.
+Now to see if you will really attack your hero.
+Yes! Yes! Work the groin!
+Excuse me. Could you take our picture?
+Ay-yeah.
+It should focus automatically.
+Chief, you might want to take a look outside.
+That's it! Kill Krusty! Just like you'll kill him tomorrow night!
+Oh, it-it's so great to see a kid using a wooden bat. These days it's all aluminum this and George W. that.
+Hey, Chief, look what I got in my Laffy Meal.
+Ooo, mini-pinball!
+Good evening, folks. And welcome to my final clown-cast. The word "legend" has many definitions...
+This is for Sideshow Bob.
+Marvelous, marvelous. Funny till the end. Moment of silence. Well, it's my show now.
+Thank you, thank you...
+Thank you...
+Just a dream. But tonight I will taste the sweet nectar of vengeance.
+Bug spray!
+Kent Brockman here at Krusty the Clown's final show. And here comes out-of-work actor Rainier Wolfcastle!
+Someone, please, give me a job. I've lowered my quote to eight million!
+Hear that, Hollywood? The boy wants to work.
+I do nude scene, I play nerd... Don't make me punch your throat.
+Always a delight.
+And now, retiring for the fifth and final time, Krusty the Clown!
+Thank you, folks. Now, fasten your funny belts, as our own Chimpendale's dancer gives you the Full Monkey!
+Take it off!
+Bart... Bart...
+It's time, Bart. Time to blow up the clown.
+Time to blow up the clown...
+Go. Blow.
+And now a special treat. My TV debut on the Milk of Magnesia Summer Cavalcade. Let's watch.
+Look at me. I am Kaputnik, the Russian Satellite...
+The Bolshoi's doin' the Nutcracker in my pants!
+Back then you couldn't say "pants" on TV. I was banned for ten years. Finally, I got a second chance on "Laugh In".
+Hey Krusty, what do you get when you cross a chicken with a beagle?
+Fackakta doors are stuck! Don't just stare, Artie, help me!
+Those lousy shutters set me back another twenty-two years.
+/ Yayyy! /
+Mmm... that's good plastic explosive. Ha, ha, ha.
+Now, my little hypno-assassin, your cue to attack will be when Krusty says "I've never had such a great audience."
+You will run up and hug him -- blowing each of you to smithereens!
+What-ever.
+Now we're gonna show you some clips from...
+Ohhh-ho-ho-ho. Oh, nooo... I wanted to keep this quiet.
+Can I embarrass this guy for a moment? Three years ago Krusty pledged over a million dollars to start Krusty's Kare Center.
+Please. Stop already...
+To this day Krusty has not given us a dime. Has he, Frances?
+I'm cold all the time.
+Ohhh, look, it was all a bookkeeping snafu.
+Could I have the check now?
+Now? Eh-- Uh, sure.
+God bwess you, Kwusty.
+And if my banker's watching, let nothing stop you from payment of this check.
+Ah, the catwalk. A perfect vantage point... for revenge.
+Ah, Kettle chips. The perfect side dish... for revenge.
+What a special night. And you know something? I've never had such a great audience...
+We've had a lot of... I'd like to be serious...
+Well, Krusty, this is your Waterloo. Soon you'll be Napoleon Blownapart.
+Terrible.
+Oh, hush up, Leo.
+Why do you want Bart? He's not much of a singer.
+You know, I'd like to thank God for all my success, even though I never worshipped or believed in Him in any way. But before I sweep up my last spotlight, there's one thing I've gotta say...
+Over the years I've a lot of "wow," and I've my share of AA-OO-GAH! But there's only one thing I'm ashamed of.
+Ashamed?
+There was a man who used to work for me. A man of grace and humor. But I mistreated him, and drove him to a life of crime. So, wherever you are, I just want to say -- Sideshow Bob, I'm sorry.
+OH BO-OB / YOU REPAID MY ABUSE WITH RAW HATRED / BUT I NEED YOU TODAY / OH BO-OB / WELL YOU WENT TO APU'S AND YOU FRAMED ME / SO THEY LOCKED ME A-WAY...
+Oh, that sweet, funny man.
+Oh, no! My boy bomb!
+Well, goodnight and... Aw look, it's a tow-headed little fan. Whaddaya say, folks, should I hug him?
+/ Yeah! / Yayyy! / Woo!
+Oh God, a bomb!
+I was just thinking that.
+What happened? Was anyone hurt?
+Just some network executives.
+We have notes... Have you thought about Dave Chapelle... Destroy.
+Okay, everybody. Say "funny."
+Perfect.
+Krusty, I'm so sorry about the attempted murder.
+Will you stop with the sorry? Every time you try to kill me, my ratings go through the roof, ya nut.
+We are good together, Krusty.
+It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty.
+Don't remind me.
+Okay, where do you want to do this thing?
+Isn't it customary to have a trial?
+Oh, a wise guy, eh?
+Welcome back to "Great Moments in Olympic History." At the 1936 Berlin games, Jesse Owens humiliates Adolf Hitler by out-racing his zeppelin.
+1968, Mexico City. Bob Beamon shatters the world long-jump record.
+And in 1984, Portugal's Carlos Lopez becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever at age 38.
+38! That's roughly my age! Marge, after a lot of thought, I've decided to run the Springfield marathon.
+Oh, please. You get exhausted watching "The Twilight Zone" marathon! I'm a regular Billy Crystal.
+You got that right.
+Well, Dad, I think running's good exercise -- it adds years to your life.
+Stay out of this, Lisa. Marge, I've made up my mind. I'll do your job for a day, and you do mine. Then we'll see who has it tougher.
+Good afternoon, and welcome to the 97th Springfield marathon, commemorating the time Jebediah Springfield ran across six states to avoid his creditors.
+You got all your equipment, Dad?
+Let's see. Sweatbands... check. Anti-chafing nipple tape... Check, check... and check.
+Attention, runners. On your mark, get set, now get outta here before I change my mind.
+I can't believe it! I'm actually running a marathon! Oh, I hit the wall! This is so painful! Hey, I got my second wind. Another wall! I ju-- Woo hoo! Third wind!
+Faster, rickshaw driver! Faster!
+Ow! Sir, the whip isn't helping.
+Silence! You call yourself a Chinaman?
+No one can outrun The Flash!
+Curses! One of my super foes has set a trap for me.
+Hey, Grampa's running!
+That's not Grampa. Dad's just dehydrated.
+Way to go, Slim!
+And with five hundred yards to go, the runners from Australia and Djibouti are neck and neck. Two weary warriors now, burning with pain and exhaustion. But only one will win the grand prize... A walking tour of Springfield.
+That tour is mine.
+Wellll, hold the phone, Dora. A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere.
+He's running on sheer pluck, moxie, and grit... All of which he'll be tested for, after the race.
+Eh, I winna da race! Viva Italia!
+Folks, our winner seems to be from Italy.
+I love-a you all!
+I use up all-a my English.
+Grazie, Springfield!
+He's a phony!
+Lousy cheater!
+I demand a re-race!
+I got a better idea. Let's have a fun run...on his trachea.
+Yeah! / Kill him! / Make him pay!
+Get in! Hurry!
+Mob... Stranger. Mob... Stranger. Stranger.
+Who are you?
+Oh, you'll find out in due time.
+Well, it says here your name is "L.T. Smash."
+The time has come: I'm L.T. Smash.
+Thank you so much for saving our son from that murderous mob.
+Well, thank you for lettin' me chill in your crib.
+And thank you for assuming we're hip.
+All right, now here's the 411: I'm a record producer, see. I'm starting a new boy band and there's a place in it for Bart.
+My Bart?
+Oh, yeah. That stunt he pulled at the race shows me he's the bad boy I'm lookin' for.
+Now listen to me, Smash. We're not signing anything. Unless it's a contract.
+Marge, it's not the singin' that brings in the Sacajaweas. Bart's a rebel. And that's what I need for my new band, the "Party Posse".
+Now hold on. I have some concerns.
+Please, Mom. My dream is to be a rock star.
+And my dream is to get rid of Bart.
+How many lives must you ruin?
+Oh, Okay.
+Bart, I want you to meet 'n' greet the other members of the "Party Posse". He's smart... he's soulful... he's Milhouse!
+What up, G-money?
+Next, he'll break your nose, your glasses and your heart... Nelson!
+Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next? Ralph Wiggum?
+Wheee! I'm a pop sensation.
+And I'm the mack daddy behind such groups as "New Kids in the Ditch" and "Boy-nudo". I'm gonna make you stars.
+Sneer, sneer. Two, three, four, and thrust, and grab, yourself, right there. Now let go and flirt. You call that a flirt? I'm not mel-ting!
+Okay, your 'tudes are fly and your threads are dope-
+All that's left is the singing.
+PARTY POSSE, WE RULE THE EARTH / THE GREATEST BAND SINCE MUSIC'S BIRTH.
+Isn't this song a little boastful?
+No one told me there was gonna be boasting.
+Just take it from the top.
+PARTY POSSE, WE RULE THE EARTH / THE GREATEST BAND SINCE MUSIC'S BIRTH...
+Thank you, NASA.
+WE LOVE TO SWEAT AND WE LOVE TO SING / WE'RE REAL FUNKY BUT NON-THREATENING.
+WE'RE THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD / BUT WE'D GIVE IT ALL UP FOR THAT SPECIAL GIRL.
+YOU'RE MY SPECIAL GIRRRL... SPE-CIAL GIRRRL! YOU'RE MY SPECIAL GIRRRL / ONLY YOUUUU.
+... so, from now on anything caught in your zipper will be handled by the school nurse, and not me. And now... are you adequately prepared to rock?
+Silence! Here they are, the Party Posse!
+Hel-lo, Springfield! Now, here's a song that your Principal Skinner doesn't want us to play.
+That's not true! This assembly was my idea. I like your brand of inoffensive pop rock.
+Screw you, man! We're gonna play it anyway!
+I SAW YOU LAST NIGHT AT THE SPELLING BEE...
+I KNEW RIGHT THEN THAT IT WAS L-U-V...
+I GOTTA SPELL OUT WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME...
+'CAUSE I CAN NO LONGER BE A SILENT G.
+I'VE GOTTA SPELL OUT / I GOTTA SPELL OUT WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME.
+Man, they're gonna be big. And you stood in their way.
+No, I didn't. I even came in early and made orange drink.
+Orange drink: what, do you live with your mamma?
+She lives with me.
+I can't believe it. They loved us!
+I'm wearing a bathrobe and I'm not even sick!
+Yo, dudes, awesome show.
+It's 'N Sync!
+What brings you to Springfield?
+We saw your Band Formation Notice in the paper.
+Really? You saw our B.F.N.?
+I can't believe I'm meeting Milhouse. Word.
+So anyway we brought you this wicked gift basket.
+Stubble glitter... crowd taser...
+Crowd taser?
+Yeah, it's perfect for getting through the fans to your limousine.
+Wait, what was that?
+Dudes, we gotta go. Our clothes are getting a little out of date.
+To the Bandanna Republic!
+Now we gotta send them a basket.
+Oh, yeah, that's the spot. Ohhh... that is perfect.
+Mommm, can't Bart get his massage somewhere else?
+Don't be selfish, Lisa.
+Will you two shut up? I'm missing precious VJ prattle.
+That was the latest ad for Stridex Pads. Medicated! Okay, comin' at ya, a world premiere video from P squared. That's the Par-tay Pos-say! Woo! Yeah! All right!
+Rock! Woo!
+OH SAY CAN YOU... ROCK!
+THERE'S TROUBLE IN A FAR OFF NATION / TIME TO GET IN LOVE FORMATION.
+YOUR LOVE'S MORE DEADLY THAN SADDAM / THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT TO DROP DA BOMB.
+YVAN EHT NIOJ / YVAN EHT NIOJ / YVAN EHT NIOJ. NIOJ!
+YVAN EHT NIOJ. Ya gotta love that crazy chorus.
+What does it mean?
+Ah, it doesn't mean anything. It's like "rama-lama ding dong" or "give peace a chance".
+THIS PARTY'S HAPPENIN' / IT'S NO MIRAGE...
+SO SING IT AGAIN...
+YVAN EHT NIOJ / YVAN EHT NIOJ.
+There's something weird about this video...
+None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that.
+No, something else...
+YVAN EHT NIOJ / YVAN EHT NIOJ / YVAN EHT NIOJ.
+"Yvan eht nioj?" They keep saying that.
+Uncle Sam? Let me play this backwards.
+JOIN THE NAVY Join the navy.
+They're recruiting people with subliminal messages!
+Otto, what are you doing?
+I don't know. I just got an urge to join the Navy.
+You're being brainwashed.
+Yeah, probably. Yvan eht nioj.
+L.T., thank God you're here! The government's putting subliminal messages in your videos!
+Subliminal messages? Do you have any idea how insane that sounds?
+Is that a navy tattoo?
+A navy tattoo? Do you have any idea how insane that sounds?
+Lieutenant Smash...
+Yeah, that's right. Lieutenant L.T. Smash.
+A wig! But, but your pant legs...
+How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions?
+Oh, come on, Lisa. We've always used pop stars to recruit people. Going back to Elvis.
+Then there was Sergeant Pepper's...
+The Captain and Tennille...
+And the KISS army.
+But you have recruiting ads on TV. Why do you need subliminal messages?
+Eh, it's a three-pronged attack: subliminal, liminal, and super-liminal.
+Super-liminal?
+I'll show you.
+Hey, you! Join the Navy!
+Uh, yeah, all right.
+I'm in.
+And, now that you know, Lisa, I'm afraid I can't let you leave.
+Wait a minute, Bart's band is brainwashing kids with subliminal messages? That's pretty farfetched, Lisa.
+Are you sure someone hasn't been bitten by the jealousy bug?
+Here comes the jealousy bug. Gonna git ya! Gonna git ya!
+Cut it out! You're a grown man!
+I wanna go home now.
+Nobody's going home. We're going to see Bart's concert.
+An aircraft carrier? Oh, that's subtle.
+Good afternoon and welcome to the U.S.S. Sea Spanker! Are you ready to tear it up?!
+I can't hear you!
+Do you maggots want to see a show or not?! I, uh... I mean, uh, uh, here they are, the Party Posse!
+HAD A GIRL IN EVERY PORT...
+FROM HERE TO BARCELONA...
+BUT NOW I'M DOCKED IN SPRINGFIELD...
+AND GIRL, I'M GONNA PHONE YA...
+STORMED A LOT OF BEACHES...
+BUT YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I MISSED...
+LET'S GET BACK TOGETHER / GIRL, LET'S RE-ENLIST...
+Oww! Hot, hot, hot!
+SO SIGN ME UP / FOR A HITCH OF LOVE / RECRUIT MY HEART / FOUR SWEET YEARS OF LOVE...
+Everybody ball-walk!
+Oh, yeah.
+Lookin' good, guys. Annnd... double time!
+That's it. Protect the country.
+Groovy, dudes!
+Burn down the barber shops!
+I hate America!
+Lieutenant! Lieutenant Smash!
+Huh? Oh, Admiral!
+The hippie fantasy again?
+They're gettin' less frequent, sir.
+Excellent.
+Well, there's no easy way to say this: the new administration is shutting down Project Boy Band.
+Shutting it down? Permission to say "That's crazy", sir?
+Yeah, heard it old school!
+You won't say it's crazy when you see next week's issue of "MAD" magazine.
+Oh, dear God.
+When this satirical bombshell hits the stands tomorrow, your band will have as much recruiting power as a wax apple.
+I don't follow, sir.
+It's over, L.T.
+LET'S MARCH ALL DAY / AND CLEAN LATRINES ALL NIGHT / DON'T BUST ME DOWN / LET'S RE-UP TONIGHT
+LET'S RE-UP TONIGHT!
+I'm outta here!
+You fool, look what you've done! Now it's my turn.
+Don't do it, L.T.!
+You leave me no choice.
+So, ah, what songs did I miss?
+Dad, L.T.'s gone crazy!
+Yeah, that's the look.
+Think he's gonna do something dangerous?
+How should I know? Just keep loading missiles.
+Pop music's hard work.
+The Statue of Liberty! Where are we?
+All right, Posse...
+That's our target...
+Not "MAD"! That's our nation's largest mental illness-themed humor magazine.
+Why don't we call it "Everybody Hates Raymond?"
+Well, we stayed up all night, but it was worth it.
+We can't let L.T. blow up "MAD". Tina Brown was just starting to turn it around.
+We gotta mellow him out.
+But how? We would need the ultimate chill-out song.
+And fast!
+We heard what you said.
+It's 'N Sync!
+Can the chit chat, Milhouse. We've got just the song you need to defuse this wack-attack.
+Defuse it old school!
+'Bout time.
+Radical! / Awesome! / I can't read.
+I can't sing without dancing!
+Thrust, spin, turn... Pivot, pout, jiggy. Jiggy, robot, do-si-do...
+And close with a Matrix.
+Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
+Yeah, that's stupid.
+I wanna twirl.
+Aw, come on, guys, we've only got a few minutes...
+Uh-oh...
+Everybody okay?
+Uh Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm fine, thanks. / I'm fine. / I actually feel better.
+Well, boys, the Party Posse is over, but at least I saved you from a public spoofing.
+Aw, man, we could have been on the cover of "MAD".
+They called me "Smelson"! Haw haw.
+"Smelson!" It's funny 'cause you smell.
+"Smelson", I could have thought of that.
+Sure ya could've. Off ya go now.
+You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight at the expense of the U.S. Navy...
+But they're out there every day protecting us from Godzilla.
+And don't forget pirates.
+And jellyfish.
+Those wackin' invertebrates will sting you old school!
+So check out the Navy for a two or a four-year hitch.
+We signed J.C. up yesterday.
+Are you sick of ordinary-shaped amusement parks?
+Am I ever!
+Then be the first family on your block to visit Blockoland!
+The amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks!
+So how much did you love Blockoland?
+It was all right, I guess.
+Kids... How would you... like to go to... Blockoland?!!
+But... the TV gave me the impression that...
+We said "meh."
+M-E-H. Meh.
+Well, I'd like to go. How about you, Maggie?
+Maggie, no!
+We're here.
+Howdy, partner.
+Four score and seven blocks ago my...
+Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Whee!
+Okay, we have our choice of Rectangle Land, Cube Country or Squaresville.
+Squaresville sounds pretty cool.
+I am a robot. Do what I say.
+I am a washing machine. Do what I say.
+Take that!
+In the face!
+You knocked his block off!
+Come with me.
+Check it out. I built myself a healthy apple.
+But you made it out of ham cubes.
+Yep, a shiny new apple.
+I get it. Everything's made of blocks. Even the water.
+Ow! Ow!
+Hey, boat twenty-eight, stop splashing!
+What are you gonna do about it?
+Leeches!
+Oh, why did I get this Lego shirt?
+Don't you mean Blocko shirt?
+Right, right. Blocko shirt.
+Lisa, how's your Eiffel Tower kit?
+It's okay, but it's missing a piece.
+Welcome to real life, Lisa. You can't fight city hall, AKA Blockoland. So don't even try.
+What kind of a thing is that to tell your children?
+It's what I always tell them. I told them that twice yesterday. And then again as they were going to sleep.
+I'm sure the gift shop will replace the missing piece.
+You're right, honey. Hear that, kids? The Simpsons are going to Blockoland!
+Yaaayy!
+'Scuse me.
+You sold my little girl a shoddy Eiffel Tower.
+Hey, tough luck, pal. You can't fight the Souvenir Industry. We're too powerful.
+Yeah, you're right.
+But before I go, I'm gonna give you a little souvenir of my own.
+Oh, what the hey... here you go.
+Thank you, Dad.
+Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.
+So, how's that new block I got you?
+You know, standing up for the little guy felt good. I'm gonna do it more often.
+Those bullies are gone now!
+You idiot. They were beating out my shirt fire!
+My heart was in the right place, jerk!
+Thanks again, Dad.
+Well, you're welcome, honey. Now, I'm gonna spend the whole day helping shmoes with their problems. Got a problem, Bart?
+A girl at school won't go to the dance with me.
+Bart's got a girlfriend!
+No I don't, that's the problem.
+Bart's got a problem!
+Don't worry, son. I'll handle this.
+Come on! Why won't you go out with Bart?
+He's a smelly ugly dork.
+Please, ugly is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with?
+Well duh! He's breathtaking, but Bart has inner beauty... like you'd find in a rodent.
+And face it, you're no prize either. You wear braces, you dress like a kid and you're not gettin' any younger. Take what you can get.
+He's right. Grab something. And don't let go!
+Well, Bart's not so bad.
+They wouldn't honor my coupon for two free streaks.
+They wouldn't? Well I'll go to bat for you, honey.
+Yes, may I help you?
+Nice place you got here. Ooh look, a hair net. Be a shame if it was hurled to the ground!
+Oh, how clumsy of me? And...
+Why are you doing zese things?
+Either you honor my wife's coupon, or a lot more lids will be unscrewed.
+I cannot streak that much hair. Think of the cost. I'd be ruined!
+Oh, really...
+Boy, you weren't kidding. Your profit margins are razor-thin.
+You see? Zees is what I'm...
+Wait a minute. Four hundred a month for loafer lightener?
+But we must have it. It is ze lifeblood of ze industry.
+You get the same results with a mincing gel.
+But of course! I will save thousands! Thank you!
+Oh, Homie, I love them. I can't thank you enough.
+The satisfaction of helping another human being is all the thanks I et cetera.
+And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way. 'Cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.
+Lousy Isotopes! They're a disgrace to baseball.
+They lost again?
+Mm hmm. The team's been terrible since they got bought by the cheap, heartless Duff Corporation. Hey Moe, gimme a Duff. Oh yeah, sweet Duff.
+Wait a minute. Duff owns the Springfield Isotopes? Since when?
+They bought 'em a year ago, from the Mafia. It was the last of the family-owned teams.
+I tried to return my season ticket, but they wouldn't give me my money back. They said they wanted it.
+Say no more. I'll help you, Lenny.
+You wanna help me?
+Haven't you heard? He's the new Homer.
+He's wonderful.
+I'm trying to get a refund for this ticket. Is this the executive office of the ball club?
+Nope. This is the equipment shed.
+Well, is that it?
+That's where we keep the water heater.
+That's a tractor.
+Sir, we can't give your friend a refund just because the team is losing.
+I'm sorry to hear that.
+Spin that back to where it was.
+Yes, sir.
+This meeting is over.
+Okay. So, uh, you wanna go get something to eat?
+No. I don't. Get out of here.
+No, no, not that door!
+Albuquerque Isotopes? What is all this stuff?
+It's not anything. It has no purpose.
+What a crazy room. There's no Albuquerque Isotopes. It's the Springfield... Ohhhh.
+No, no. There's no 'ohhhh.'
+You're moving the team to Albuquerque, aren't you?
+No, no, we would never abandon our loyal Springfield fans. By the way, all this barging into rooms marked "PRIVATE" must have made you thirsty. Would you like a beer?
+Well, okay. But you can't silence Homer Simpson. I'm the friend of the downtrodden. And I'm not gonna forget what I saw here today.
+Of course not.
+Duffman, could you bring in two bottles of smooth, untainted Duff?
+Oh yeah!
+Now, Homer, we've developed this additive that makes beer super, super malty. Care to try it?
+Wait a minute. Will this erase my memory?
+No, not at all.
+Man, that is malty. But he'll never know.
+Good grief.
+Oh, my head. How long have I been out here?
+All night. You were yelling at the swing.
+I was? But I love the swing.
+Dad, you were nuts.
+You know me. Occasionally, I'll be quirky. "I'll be quirky..." Albuquerque! I'll be right back!
+Members of the media...
+...thank you for coming. The proof that the Isotopes are moving to Albuquerque is right behind this door.
+Excuse me.
+Joel Duffman, The Newsly Times. What's with the smear campaign against this beloved brewer?
+And weren't you once in a loony bin? Oh, yeah!
+He's right, folks. The only story here is the rich, smooth taste of Duff.
+Yes, that is an important story. But so is this!
+Well, I think I know tomorrow's headline: "Local Man Is Liar".
+That is a good headline.
+Duffman has a bad feelin' about this.
+So let me get this straight, Mr. Duff. The Isotopes are not moving to Albuquerque?
+Absolutely not.
+So, are you calling Homer Simpson a liar?
+Well, we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire.
+Well, Homie, I believe you're telling the truth about the Isotopes.
+I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying. But not when I'm telling the truth.
+Yeah, but what can you do?
+There's all kinds of ways to get the public on your side. Bob Dylan wrote songs. Cesar Chavez staged hunger strikes.
+That's it! I'll go on a hunger strike.
+Oh, Homie, you couldn't keep up a hunger strike. You eat while you brush your teeth. You're eating a huge sausage right now.
+So? I can stop. And I will stop. I'm on a hunger strike, starting right... now!
+Let's see those double A baseball honchos ignore this.
+You're really not gonna eat anything?
+My hunger strike will not end until Duff admits they're moving the team. Bart, my chains.
+Now it begins.
+Dad, I'm so proud of you. If you need some inspiration, here's a book of Mike Farrell's core beliefs.
+Man, he really hates Wayne Rogers.
+Goodbye, Homie. Here's Dr. Hibbert's number if you feel weak.
+Don't worry. Duff's not gonna let me waste away to nothing.
+Uh, Dad?
+What a great ball game. Thanks, Weekend Dad.
+Stop calling me that.
+Hey kid and man!
+Don't support a team run by liars!
+They're secretly planning to move to Albuquerque.
+Can it, Sid.
+That's crazy. It would have been on a talk radio show like Sports Chat, or Sportszilla and the Jabber Jocks.
+Why you little...
+Oh, so hungry... Can't give up... Must continue fighting evil corporation.
+Oh, oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's gonna go straight to my thighs.
+Well Edna, it just might have some company.
+Oh, Seymour!
+Nice try, God.
+But Homer Simpson doesn't give in to temptation that easily... Hey!
+Stop that!
+There's still more meatloaf.
+Ohh, that's impossible.
+C'mon, c'mon, we all have to pitch in and eat your father's share.
+Why don't you just cook less?
+I don't do things that way, Lisa.
+DANCIN' AWAY MY HUNGER PANGS / MOVIN' MY FEET SO MY STOMACH WON'T HURT / I'M KINDA LIKE JESUS / BUT NOT IN A SACRILEGIOUS WAY...
+Geez, Homer's losin' it already.
+Yeah, but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.
+I'm soooo hungry.
+His tummy sounds angry, Daddy.
+Yeah, that's his stomach eating itself.
+It's such a beautiful day. Where are the crowds?
+Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem.
+Hmm, people seem to be drawn to that kook. Maybe we can exploit him.
+It's too dangerous, sir -- he knows about Albuquerque. Duffman is a cautious cat.
+No, listen. Fans love wackos. Remember that busty woman who ran out on the field and farted at the ballplayers? I think we've got our newest attraction.
+Why don't you can it, Howard?
+What's going on? What am I doin' here?
+Order of Mister Duff. And word to the wise: if someone hits a home run, the fireworks come out here and here.
+Gotta go!
+Folks, it's time to meet a real super-fan -- Hungry Hungry Homer. He's on a hunger strike till the 'Topes win the pennant!
+What?! That's not why I'm here!
+They're moving the team to Albuquerque!
+Hear that, folks? He said, "Go 'Topes!"
+All this hunger for nothin'.
+Get your hot dogs! Fat, juicy hot dogs!
+Pork chops and apple sauce!
+Peking duck! Get your crispy Peking duck!
+Yeah, duck man! Over here!
+Do they have to chew so loud?
+Oh, I'm wasting away. I'm down to a B-cup.
+It's been a whole week! Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball?
+Death is a part of baseball.
+Oh, yeah. The main part.
+Guys. Ah, we won't let any harm come to your husband, Mrs. Simpson. He'll be fine.
+He's not moving.
+He's probably resting from all the moving he did before you got here. He'll start moving in a second. I'm sure of it. Turn on the sprinklers.
+You see there? He's fine.
+Ohh, look at him go!
+Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares.
+Who are you?
+The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
+Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
+Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.
+Why are you here?
+To tell you not to give up.
+But I wanna!
+He's talking to himself, sir.
+And his smell is distracting the center fielder.
+Yeah, this is getting sad. Let's bring him in.
+Okay, Skinny, on your feet.
+What's happening? Did I crush your corporation?
+No. You're being replaced.
+And now, taking over for Hungry Hungry Homer -- let's welcome Paint-Drinking Pete!
+Well, Homer. Your hunger strike lasted twelve amazing days.
+Me so hungee.
+Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer. So why not break your fast with our brand new Isotope Dog Supreme?
+So hard to resist. Mesquite-grilled onions... jalapeño relish... Wait a minute, those are Southwestern ingredients!
+Mango-lime salsa?! That's the kind of bold flavor they enjoy in... Albuquerque!
+He's right.
+Yeah. And the wrapper says "Albuquerque Isotopes"!
+Homer was right! They're planning to move the team!
+Now, now, now, now see here, people... Let's not be too hasty.
+Tell the truth! C'mon, everybody!
+Tell the truth! Tell the truth! Tell the truth!
+Get him out of here.
+Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy!
+New feelings brewing in Duffman. What... would... Jesus do?
+Oh, yeah!
+Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
+The truth never tasted so good!
+Damn, that town's got too much spirit. Looks like we'll have to steal some other baseball team.
+See what Dallas wants for the Cowboys.
+Uh, that's a football team, sir.
+They'll play what I tell 'em to play. For I am the Mayor of Albuquerque!
+Hey, kids! Look who's making breakfast!
+Itchy and Scratchy?!
+That's right, kids!
+Never start the day on an empty stomach.
+It's delicious! Wanna try?
+Oo, so cold!
+Wow, pink daggers!
+Green hatchets!
+Yellow ice picks!
+And Stabby-Oh's are part of this nutritious breakfast!
+Hey, if you guys made breakfast, where's Mom?
+Here I am!
+But thanks to Stabby-Oh's, most of me is still in bed!
+That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
+What can you do? Sex sells.
+Homer, you're still here? You should've left for work an hour ago!
+They said if I come in late again, I'm fired. I can't take that chance.
+And kids, you're gonna miss the school bus!
+It's only two blocks away!
+But I gotta spit...
+You can spit on the bus.
+Uh, Mom...
+Not now, Lisa.
+Chew, chew, chew! Swallow, swallow, swallow!
+Aw darn. Looks like we'll have to stay home today.
+Not on my watch!
+Stop! Stop!
+Oh, you wanna drag?
+I'm not racing! It's me, Marge Simpson!
+No, you eat my dust!
+Whoa. It's like "Speed 2," only with a bus instead of a boat.
+I did it! I caught the school bus. Now hurry up and get on.
+But Mom, the school's right here.
+I won. Don't take that away from me.
+Okay, everybody off.
+Oops, almost forgot. Pickin' up a new kid today.
+Wow, a new kid!
+I wonder what they're like...
+Red hair? What's she trying to pull?
+Those shoes look Canadian.
+She'll never fit in.
+Oh, it's tough being the new kid. Someone should go talk to her.
+Yeah, somebody should. One-hour dry cleaner. Man, that's fast.
+Kids gone?
+Yep. It's great to have some time just to ourselves, huh?
+You read my mind. Sooo...
+This coffee's good, huh?
+Yeah. The uh... the milk really takes the edge off.
+You know, I think our marriage is...
+I got it!
+I got it!
+No, I got it!
+No, I do!
+Your baby is dead.
+Okay, now. Put...
+That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
+"Springfield Baby-Proofing"?
+You...you really scared us.
+Sorry about that. But the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead!
+Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate. Let's start in the kitchen.
+Now, pretend I'm a baby.
+Goo goo. Me wike to expwore.
+That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.
+Homer! Don't be... Wow, that is huge.
+Ooh, pwetty colors. Me wanna dwink.
+She got it open.
+You see how quickly your baby could've been drinking this...
+Similac Baby Formula.
+This is such an eye-opener. I always pictured the kids dying in the living room.
+Okay, with the window bars, toilet latches, dingo alarm, and grapefruit-squirt shield, your total cost would be... Wow, I'm rich!
+Three dollars? That doesn't seem so bad.
+That's the price of the clipboard.
+Here's your estimate.
+Mm hm. Hmmmm.
+We don't need your high-priced safety junk!
+Thank you.
+Look at the new kid, hoggin' the teeter-totter. It's like she owns the place.
+Yeah, she thinks she's Babe: Pig in the City.
+Give her a break. Remember your first day at school?
+Not as long as I keep taking these.
+Well, someone's gotta make her feel welcome.
+Hi there.
+My name's Lisa. What's yours?
+Now don't feel bad, honey. Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself?
+EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING...
+THOSE CATS WERE FAST AS LIGHTNING...
+Good times.
+Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl? See if you two have a common interest.
+Well, lots of people like jazz fusion...
+Okay, that's in the "maybe" file. What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacey dolls?
+They're not dolls, they're aspiration figures. But it might work.
+That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets.
+But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
+She's not afraid of bunnies.
+She will be.
+Uh, Francine? I think we got off to a bad start so... Hey!
+You like Malibu Stacey, too?
+Oh yeah.
+And you like the same one I like -- with the Grad-student Glamour Pack... just like the one in my... ...locker. That's mine, isn't it?
+Tastes like yours.
+How about jazz? Do you like jazz?
+I like jazz.
+Milhouse? She got you, too?
+Yeah. But it's not so bad, I'm standin' on Ralph.
+We're a totem pole.
+See, honey, Daddy's protecting you from all the sharp scary things. Here, hold this a sec.
+Ow! Oh, my...
+Okay Maggie, put it down.
+Oh. Okay, that's quite enough, it's not funny anymore.
+No, no, no. Oh, Homie!
+Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is? Baby accidents occur every three minutes.
+I'm the one who told you that.
+Yeah, but this is me talking. Look, I already encased the telephone in concrete.
+How are you supposed to dial?
+Reach into these holes. I use a carrot.
+Isn't that a little excessive? I mean, how are the buttons dangerous?
+Baby could order poison.
+Oh, that's ridiculous.
+Poison Delivery Service. A gift-basket of poisons is on its way.
+I'm a horrible mother.
+Of course you are. Marge, I've finally discovered the reason God made me: to protect his tiniest, most breakable creatures. And I've got to share that gift with the world.
+Get her outta here.
+Why ya throwing tomatoes at yourself? Huh? Why ya throwing tomatoes at yourself?
+Your very question is faulty!
+You're faulty!
+Knock-knock...
+What do you want?
+Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work?
+Oh, this is so funny. We were just talking about moving into protection.
+We're offering a recess-and-lunch package that's very affordable.
+Well I'm gonna need full coverage -- my bully is highly aggressive. Check out these Indian burns.
+Triple twist! Nice work.
+You sure this was done by hand?
+Yeah, she's a real purist.
+She?! Sorry, we don't do girls. They bite and kick and scratch...
+And sometimes we fall in love...
+Wow. There's so much I don't understand about bullying.
+Yeah, there's a lotta history there. Did you know it predates agriculture.
+Let's walk.
+Finish the job.
+I just don't understand Francine's motivation.
+Why does she only go after the smart ones?
+That's like asking the square root of a million. No one will ever know.
+Someone will. I'm gonna crack the bully code.
+Savin' those babies. And the soft spots on their heads do, do, do, do do...
+Problem: a pointy deity. And I've got the perfect solution.
+Oh, thank you. No more Shiva-related pokings.
+Yeah, you know down the line, you might want to switch to a nice round Buddha.
+But we are Hindu.
+So am I, but I don't get all huffy about it.
+Ach, 'tis a mighty puddle-a puke.
+I'm sorry.
+Aw, that's all right, lad. It reminds me why I got into this business.
+Willie, I need to see the school security tapes.
+Security tapes? There's no security tapes.
+It's hard to miss the cameras.
+Aye, Willie's a stinkin' liar.
+Why does the school need to watch us all the time?
+School?
+Ooh, here's the tape I need.
+Oh my God! That roll of towels is nearin' the end.
+Ach! It's on double red stripe!
+How did she know I was there?
+Hey, that time she looked right at me and didn't touch me.
+Of course! The nose clip!
+Hey Willie, I think I'm onto something! Check this out!
+Not talking, eh Willie? Just listen, then. I think I figured out what sets off that big ape Francine... Willie? Willie?
+Come on, people! Move it! I want to see some sweat!
+I'm not mastering another stair until you explain the purpose of this monstrous experiment.
+I believe the key to bully-nerd antagonism lies in your drippings.
+Then I shall drip like a pot roast.
+Excellent, now don't mind the squeegee.
+Ah. Ah. The scraping seems wrong, but it feels so right.
+...And so, as Heavyweight Champion, recognized by nine of the fourteen sanctioning bodies, I sincerely urge you all to stay in school. Uh, thank you.
+Thank you, Drederick Tatum. That was truly a K.O. Knockout Oration.
+Need a ride home?
+You really don't want that. Trust me.
+Mr. Tatum, do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag?
+No, not at all. Swab away.
+Whoa, whoa, no one mentioned a beaker.
+Please? It's for science.
+Oh for science. In that case, proceed.
+Lisa, this is outrageous! Explain yourself!
+Shh. It's working. Look.
+Nelson, what are you doing?!
+Good luck, sir.
+I don't know... I can't help myself.
+Hey, cut it out. I insist that you desist.
+Sorry. I'm so sorry.
+Please don't hurt me.
+You leave me little recourse.
+And now the Estrogen Network presents...
+Afternoon Yak!
+Canceled.
+The safe-baby craze. It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent.
+That's me! Safety dance!
+YOU CAN DANCE / YOU CAN DANCE / EVERYBODY LOOK AT YOUR PANTS.
+But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe, he's made infant-related businesses cry. All the way away from the bank.
+How are your baby crutch sales?
+Uh, terrible, Kent. And cartoon-character Band-Aids? Forget about it.
+Look at this baby. Not a scratch on him. And I got boat payments.
+The dream is over. Shut her down, boys.
+Dear God, what have I done?
+Babies of Springfield! We need your help! Please! Skin your knees! Put dice up your nose! Let cats sleep on your face!
+The problem?
+Constant flying saucer attacks. The solution?
+And thus, the Earth is saved.
+That's quite an act to follow, Lisa.
+I know, and the crowd is so distinguished. The inventor of the walkie-talkie is out there.
+Third row, near the aisle.
+Ooh, you're right. And that's not his wife.
+We won't, though.
+Scientists... Scientists, please... Looking for some order... some order please... with the eyes forward and the hands neatly... folded. And the pain. There'll be pain. Hmmm.
+Pi is exactly three!
+Very, sorry that it had to come to that, but now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention.
+What? / She's just a little girl... / Still in the larval stage... / Let's not listen...
+My study is entitled "Airborne Pheromones and Aggression in Bullies".
+Bullies? / Where? / I'm afraid! / ETC.
+For as long as there have been smart people, there have been bullies to prey on them. From Galileo...To Sir Isaac Newton...And even in the animal kingdom...
+But why do the brawny prey on the brainy? Is it jealousy?
+No. The reason is chemical.
+Tha-that's impossible. Chemicals are our friends!
+She's a witch!
+Please, Dr. Koop. Let me demonstrate.
+This is my test subject, Francine.
+I'd like to thank her parents for helping with the caging.
+Lemme outta here!
+I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork, and four-eyes. I call it "Poindextrose".
+Woo hoo! Simpsons rule! Sorry.
+You're dead, nerd!
+The bully has caught my scent, and she's at maximum rage. Professor Frink?
+Very well, Lisa. I'll just finagle the glavin...
+Are you mad, Frink? Put down that science pole!
+My God! She stopped in her tracks.
+The little girl's invented some sort of bully repellent!
+Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing.
+So that's where that went.
+The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort block the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless.
+Congratulations, Lisa. You are truly the standout of this year's Big Science Thing.
+A gift certificate from J.C. Penney?
+Yes, you'll love their slacks.
+Oh, honey, we're so proud of you.
+So all her bullying was just to get some attention.
+No, Dad! Didn't you listen to anything I said?
+Just to get some attention.
+Lisa, help!
+The repellent's all gone!
+Don't worry. She'll punch herself out.
+Suck fist, Doctor Dork!
+Someone's gonna sleep well tonight.
+Pound that nerd.
+"Olive oil?" "Asparagus?" If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could shop at the gas station like normal people.
+I need this candy for school.
+Candy Class.
+Well, okay, but get five bags in case we eat four on the way home.
+My teacher said I need cupcakes. Cupcakes to learn.
+In the cart.
+I'm out of wine.
+We need these because we have... to...
+My doctor says, and my garage mechanic agrees, that...
+In the cart.
+Woo hoo!
+Y'know, I always felt sorry for Marge, having to do the shopping, but this is kind of fun.
+Yeah. I wish Maggie had to go to the emergency room more often.
+Hm... I never heard of a baby swallowing a magazine before.
+And I'm a doctor.
+I don't know if it matters, but it was a Time Magazine. Does that matter?
+Uh-oh. This could be dangerous.
+What? What?
+Syrian hard-liners are gaining influence.
+Wait, I changed my mind.
+Stack it in the order I'll eat it driving home.
+Sir, please. I've already bagged it by color, and in order of each item's discovery by man.
+The customer's always right. That's what everybody likes about us. Now mush!
+You tell 'im, Jumbo! And you, start over. I want everything in one bag.
+Yes ma'am.
+But I don't want the bag to be heavy.
+I don't think that's possible.
+What are you, the Possible Police? Just do it!
+Hey, hey, watch what you're doin' there, sack monkey. You're bruisin' my DuraLog.
+Hurry up. I can't stand here jabbing you all day.
+Please. Ow. Stop. Bag boys have feelings, too, you know.
+No you don't...
+Excuse me? Is there a problem here?
+No, I can handle it. I'll get you, squealer.
+Ow! Ok-- That's it. On behalf of Sack Stuffers Local 199, I'm calling a strike!
+Strike! Strike!
+Strike! Strike! Strike!
+Oh, the bag boys are on strike! I'm shaking.
+Mr. Simpson, please. Will you go home?
+If I can have this rubber stick.
+Pledging to honor the bag boy strike are the Brotherhood of Fruit Packers And Unpackers, the Shelf Dusters Union, and the Unattractive Waitresses Of America.
+Kiss my grits!
+Indeed.
+No bag boys are gonna stop Lenny from hosting a casual get-together.
+Casual?!
+Uh, I can taste that get-together now...
+Hey, I was holdin' that!
+Next time I'll knock your hat off, scab!
+So hungry... There's gotta be some food left. Sulfur jerky... Cream of toast... Where did we get all this crap?
+Most of it was sent by relatives who couldn't see very well.
+Hey, I found some eggs! The mother abandoned her nest.
+There's gotta be something to eat in this house.
+Hey, the dog smells something!
+Good boy. Good boy. Show us where the food is.
+Where? Over there?
+My old lunch box!
+That Amos Burke made his own rules.
+Very old animal crackers!
+Homer, no! Those were made in the Sixties.
+Mmmm... turbulent.
+Ow! What the hell?
+Whoa, a solid gold animal cracker.
+"Find the golden giraffe, and we'll send you and your family to Africa."
+Africa? They're bound to have food there!
+And on my free African safari, I want to do everything on this box.
+I want to shoot a lion in the face, fight Muhammad Ali, and ride in a convertible with two happy zebras.
+Sir, that contest ended thirty years ago. We don't even make animal crackers anymore.
+We make household poisons and Christmas lights.
+Your box made promises of a vacational nature. And I expect you to live up to them.
+Sir, with all due respect...
+An old box of cookies is not a legal contract.
+Ow! My eye!
+He could sue us...
+Defective string...
+Sharp corners...
+Mr. Simpson, we've decided to make good on your vacation.
+Woo hoo!
+Hey, mister?
+Uh, yes?
+On the plane, I'm gonna need two seats... for the twins.
+The Simpsons are going to Africa!
+What is it, Ngongo?
+Evil is coming.
+What shall we do, Ngongo?
+Eh... You are Ngongo now.
+Africa looks like a beautiful jewel.
+And these musical garment bags aren't bad either.
+Attention, passengers. Please prepare for our landing in Tanzania.
+I'm sorry, it is now called New Zanzibar. Excuse me. It is now called Pepsi Presents New Zanzibar.
+Hello, hello, Simpsons! Welcome to Africa. I am your guide, Kitenge.
+Hey, how ya doin' there? / Hi! / Hello. / Yo, Kitenge! What's going on?
+Isn't that cute? A bush-baby.
+Where? Ah! Shoo! Shoo!
+Oh, man. I just bought this shirt.
+Who's Muntu?
+He is our leader. He seized power in a bloodless coup. All smotherings.
+Just like Jimmy Carter.
+Okay, you'll be sleeping here tonight...
+On the ground?
+No, Mom.
+Ohhhhhhhhh.
+I will come down for your bags.
+That's okay. I got 'em.
+Eh, bound to happen.
+Help! This mosquito net's not working.
+No, no. You have it inside out.
+When do we get to see the animals?
+In the morning, little one. Now goodnight, and don't let the bedbugs paralyze.
+Homie, did you remember to tip Kitenge?
+No. He did not.
+All right, I got another one!
+Hey, you didn't see a warthog!
+I'm looking at one right now.
+Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog!
+Nobody's a warthog.
+What about him?
+Ooh, look, everybody!
+Wowww... It just rolled over to ten thousand.
+Now we sit quietly, and wait for nature to unveil herself.
+Wait, rhinos don't come from eggs.
+What did you just see, Lisa?
+I know, but...
+What did you just see?
+Oh, now come on...
+Look, Mother. By that tree... Cheetah.
+He doesn't look so fast to me.
+BA HOOLIE GANGA / HEELIE DOO / MA HOOLIE WAPPA / IMBATU Take it, Homer!
+GLIBBIE GLOP GLOOPIE / NIBBIE NABBIE NOOBIE / LA LE LO LO LO.
+What? What is it?
+Mm. Poachers.
+That's terrible!
+Now, honey, poachers are nature's way of keeping the balance. Whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry, a poacher is born.
+I don't care. I hate them.
+They'll be back. They left their cargo pants.
+This is the earliest known fossil of a human being. It's over two million years old.
+I've got more bones than that guy. If you're trying to impress me, you've failed.
+It's not the number of bones, sir, it's the...
+You have failed.
+The Masai chief welcomes you to his village.
+Oh, thank you. Your ground is so comfortable.
+By the way, what kind of blood is this?
+Hey, Mom.
+Look what Mbali gave me.
+Hey, check it out.
+Bart, I told you not to get your lip disked.
+All right.
+Uh-oh-boh-boh.
+That's it. Get into a frenzy! Ha, ha!
+This song has been going on for hours.
+Yeah, it's like the Allman Brothers!
+Homer, no!
+A hungry, hungry hippo!
+Help! Kitenge!
+Now, Simpsons! Run for it!
+Good ol' Kitenge.
+Quick! Into the river! Hippos hate water.
+No they don't. They--
+Shaka Zulu!
+Which way should we go?
+The left! Go to the left!
+It's working!
+Leeches!
+Okay, here's the situation: We're hopelessly lost and about to die.
+Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.
+Wonder where this river goes.
+I've got a map!
+Monkey. Now, according to Animal Crackers, there's no river here.
+Stay in the boat, Homer.
+Let's just float by quietly...
+So, you think they settled that bag boy strike yet?
+Oh, no! We're headed for Victoria Falls!
+Here's why they shouldn't get anything. One...
+This flower saved our lives.
+Oh, no! It's eating us!
+Not a chance.
+Wow, Dad. How did you do that?
+It's a flower.
+Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet?
+I told you, yes. Now Bart, go to the top of that hill and see if you can spot our hotel.
+Mount Kilimanjaro?
+A chimp!
+Hello, little fella.
+Hey, maybe it'll lead us to bananas.
+Or... more mouthwatering monkeys.
+Overtime for bag boys? Ridiculous!
+This is the place I've read about! Where Dr. Bushwell lives among the chimps!
+Oh, isn't that sweet? He named it after his wife.
+No, Dr. Bushwell is a woman.
+Well, now I've heard everything.
+It's kind of you to take us in, Dr. Bushwell.
+Yeah, thanks for the grub.
+Whatever.
+Ah, there's a burst of flavor.
+Your work has really inspired me, Doctor. And I love your sensible ponytail.
+Thank you. See, Jojo, she likes it.
+So, I notice your home smells of feces.
+And not just monkey feces either.
+Could we talk about something else?
+I-I love what you've done with these poles.
+Every day I get up at five-thirty, watch the chimps, eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimp-watching. After dark I come home and think about chimps until it's time for bed.
+You must be the most boring woman on earth.
+Possibly, but...
+I mean I knew scientists wasted their lives, but geez.
+Ho-mer.
+What? What is it, Pointy?
+Oh no! It's the poachers!
+Give us the chimps and no one gets hurt!
+Absolutely not! Will you help me defend the refuge?
+Anything for these noble animals.
+So like us...
+Somebody light this monkey.
+Help! Bad monkey!
+Hey! Ah! Stop it, you creep!
+Greenpeace?
+That's right. And we're not leaving till we rescue every animal here.
+Well, if you really cared about chimps, you'd know that Dr. Bushwell is their best friend.
+Oh is that right? Why don't you tell her about the diamond mine, Doctor.
+Diamond mine? What are you talking about?
+I'm talking about this.
+The chimps are running a diamond mine?!
+Why, what fascinating behavior. I... I must document this new activity.
+Dr. Bushwell!
+What? These? Well, they were a graduation present.
+Unbelievable. The shaft must be five miles deep.
+/ Oh, for-- / Lookit. There's more over here!
+She's hidden diamonds everywhere.
+Even on the soles of her shoes.
+She's one of the ten richest chimp researchers in the world.
+Look at me, I'm a scientist!
+How could you exploit your beloved chimps like this?
+I think we should look at her research before we condemn her entirely.
+I haven't said anything for a while.
+These are just pictures of monkeys from famous movies.
+All right, so I snapped. You don't understand the crushing loneliness and greed.
+Don't worry, Doctor. We'll get you all the help you need.
+No! Don't put me away! I'll give you diamonds!
+Everybody wants diamonds! Diamonds will make everything all better! Diamonds! Diamonds!
+What a nice lady.
+Very nice.
+Hey, Lis, check it out.
+Diamond Vision.
+Buzz off.
+Hey, look! Our tour guide got a new job.
+Hm, quite a promotion.
+I was wondering what became of him.
+What happened to President Muntu?
+I don't want to talk about it.
+/ Oh, he got overthrown!
+Now he's just a stinking flight attendant! Hey, where's my pillow?
+Son of a diddly!
+Breakfast!
+Breakfast!
+Aww... Cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried!
+It's a healthy cereal from Europe: "Meus-lix."
+They also make "Juice-lix."
+That's Milhouse.
+And it sounds like he has big news!
+I'll get us out of this. Say Dad, want to go see my project for the school science fair?
+No, Lisa, but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
+Meet Linguo, the grammar robot. I built him all by myself. If you misuse language, he'll correct you.
+Well, let's put him to the test. Me love beer.
+I love beer.
+Aw, he loves beer.
+Here, little fella.
+Dad, no!
+I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.
+This is why I can't have nice things.
+Ooo, can I have a brownie?
+They're for after dinner.
+Ooo, can I have dinner?
+You can't have a brownie. Period.
+Homer wants a brownie! I'm gonna get one!
+Comin' in from the left.
+Stop it!
+Or is it the right?
+Look out for the reach-around!
+He shoots, he sco-- My thumb!
+Oh God oh God oh God!
+I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
+Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!
+Calm down! If we hurry, they can reattach your thumb.
+Reattach a thumb? This isn't "Gattaca."
+We've just gotta get your thumb to the--
+Where did it go?
+Okay boy, drop the thumb...
+Nobody's gonna tackle you.
+Come back with my thumb!
+911, this better be good.
+I cut off my husband's thumb!
+Attempted murder? You'll burn for this. Burn in jail.
+It was an accident!
+Yeah, yeah. Save it for Dateline Tuesday. Ah, what's your address, so I can come arrest you?
+Arrest me?! Um, my address, it's, um... 1-2-3... Fake Street.
+123 Fake Street. Got it.
+Come on! Come on, boy! Oh, please give it back. You want people food? I can get you people food.
+I have nothing he wants.
+...and Harry Potter and all his wizard friends went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft.
+What the diddly-yo?!
+Give me back my thumb!
+We've gotta get to the hospital, Homer!
+Okay, if the doctor asks why you cut it off, you caught me in bed with four beautiful women.
+Let's just say that Bart did it.
+Doodlebugs!
+My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her.
+Homer, help!
+Marge, over here.
+I'm sorry, Homer. Your H.M.O. doesn't cover this type of injury.
+But I have finger insurance!
+A thumb is not a finger.
+Isn't there anything you can do?
+Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry.
+Symmetry, eh?
+Hibbert's really losing it. We're going to Dr. Nick's.
+We need more ice! My thumb is fading fast.
+Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb!
+No problem. Just stick the ol' eye-gouger in the pickle brine. That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious.
+Thanks, Moe.
+Hey, ah, hey, ain't you gonna have a beer?
+Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all... Although I do like the occasional beer...
+Did you ever see that "Blue Man Group?" Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs? They suck.
+Uh-oh. I smell gangrene. We gotta wake him up.
+A little coffee'll do the trick.
+I've gotta get to Dr. Nick's!
+Where's Marge?! That is so rude. I know, I'll hitchhike.
+Oh, why isn't this working?
+Hey, thanks for stopping.
+'Tain't nothin' You 'n' me share a common infirmity.
+If anyone ever tells you a hog won't eat a finger, they's lyin'.
+Oh, crap. It's on fire!
+Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
+Can you drive me to Shelbyville Hospital?
+I reckon so.
+Hey, somebody done stoleded my wheels.
+Thanks a lot. Now I gotta walk to Shelbyville.
+It's too late.
+Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come.
+Say goodbye to your brother.
+What in the hell was that?
+Linguo, dead!
+Linguo is dead.
+Son of a diddly!
+Breakfast!
+That's Milhouse.
+And it sounds like he has big news!
+I'll get us out of this. Say Dad, want to go see my project for the school science fair?
+No, Lisa, but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
+Here, little fella.
+Dad, no!
+I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot, like in that play I wrote.
+This is why I can't have nice things.
+En Français.
+Hang on, Linguo. You'll be up and conjugating in no time.
+My thumb!
+Quiet, please! Some of us are trying to weld! Almost done. Just lay still.
+Lie still.
+I knew that. Just testing.
+Sentence fragment.
+"Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment.
+Must conserve battery power.
+Just come on.
+Uh-oh, the bus!
+Hey, stop! Wait! Oh, any day but science project day!
+Kiss first place goodbye, Lisa.
+Oh no! Somebody took my bike?! Mom, I need a ride to school.
+We've got to get to the hospital, Homer!
+Idiot! You almost ran over a viewer! And she's in our key demo! Sorry about that, kid. Need a ride?
+Can you take me to school, Krusty?
+Hop in.
+Hey, moron! Springfield Elementary, and step on it.
+Hey Teeny, you know where 123 Fake Street is?
+Ah, that's okay. Hey, we have the same hat.
+Thanks, Mr. Teeny!
+La grenouille mange le pamplemousse.
+La grenouille mange le pamplemousse.
+Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class.
+I do not know this Mademoiselle "'oovair" of which you speak.
+What's happening? Where am I?
+Sacré bleu! What a foolish question. You are at West Springfield Elementary School.
+West Springfield?
+I'm at the wrong school!
+Sorry. I was rushing because I'm in the wrong school. Can you believe that?
+It's understandable. All the schools in this area were built from identical plans. I guess they didn't have enough money to hire I.M. Pei.
+You know about I.M. Pei? I.M. impressed.
+My name's Thelonious.
+As in Monk?
+Yes, the esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.
+What do your friends call you?
+I don't really have any friends.
+Just like me!
+Oh my God, it's 11:15!
+We've been spinning for hours! I've got to get to my school and hand in Linguo. Oh, but I don't want to leave you.
+You must. You can't sacrifice grades for romance. That's not the girl I fell for.
+Will I ever see you again?
+Of course you will... at the Magnet High School. Now go.
+Hmmm... It's noon -- that's about when Dad gets the brew-shakes.
+My Dad's not here? I need a ride to school.
+Yeah, yeah. We all got problems.
+Chief Wiggum, can you drive me to school? It's an emergency.
+Ah, no can do, Dollface. I've got an informant wearing a wire.
+Heh, just like on "Nash Bridges." We're tryin' to get the goods on some smugglers.
+Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
+That sounds like Fat Tony.
+Hm, only one way to be sure.
+Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?
+Hey, where's that voice comin' from?
+This guy's wearing a wire!
+Take him out!
+My bad. I can't work my answering machine either. Now I need a new informant. Say, Lisa, people trust you. How'd you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but--
+Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb.
+Mom? Where'd you get that car?
+I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb.
+Can you take me to school? Please?
+Not right now. Your father's in there and --
+Did you ever see that "Blue Man Group?"
+Oh, he's on the Blue Man group again. C'mon, we've got lotsa time.
+Oh, no. We're out of gas. I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge.
+I've gotta get to school.
+Hm, let's hitch a ride with that hick.
+Abra-ca-thumbra.
+Dang, you could be one of them TV magic queers.
+Mom, I have to get to school. It's ten to three!
+Well, I've already borrowed one car. Let's go!
+Hey, somebody done stoleded my wheels.
+Thanks a lot. Now I gotta walk to Shelbyville.
+There's the school!
+First place, here I come. Look out!
+Bart!!!
+Son of a diddly!
+Hey hey! Hey hey! Hey hey!
+Lazy, huh? Get 'im, boys.
+Okay, okay.
+Breakfast!
+That's Milhouse.
+And it sounds like he has big news!
+I found something awesome in the woods.
+Is it a dead body?
+It's cooler than a million dead bodies.
+You take my sister's bike.
+Let's see, front door, back door, Skinner's, Flanders', your house... ah, Lisa's bike.
+What's it like riding a girl's bike?
+It's disturbingly comfortable.
+Whoa. How'd you find it?
+This is where I come to cry.
+Wow, sacks! Burlap sacks!
+It gets better. They're full of fireworks.
+Bottle rockets, Frog-Launchers, Weeping Mommas... Tijuana Toilet Crackers!
+We're not ready!
+So, what are we doing? A lengthening or a widening?
+Arrr, uh... let's make it both.
+Don't worry. It's inflammable!
+Let's keep this our little secret.
+We gotta hide.
+We'll be safe in here!
+Here we are, 123 Fake Street. The home of knifey wifey.
+Hey Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.
+Ahh, sure. Whatever you want, birthday boy.
+Okay, drop the knife, Stabatha. I-- Great Grucci's ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.
+There's enough Chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time.
+I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
+Yeah, they'll pass you around like... well, like currency, like you said. Maybe we can make you boys a deal.
+Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape.
+Hootie and the Blowfish?
+Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape.
+Great idea to smuggle fireworks, boss.
+Yeah, I was gettin' sick of runnin' those unions.
+So much paperwork.
+Knock, knock.
+Excuse me, my friend and I were interested in purchasing quality fireworks.
+Yes, we are.
+Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
+Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?
+Hey, where's that voice comin' from?
+This guy's wearing a wire!
+Take him out!
+My bad.
+Hey! There they are!
+Gentlemen, remove your guns from your holsters.
+Shoulder or ankle?
+Surprise me.
+Milhouse, quick!
+Look out!
+Bart!!!
+Ow! Mo-om...
+Hurry up, Bart!
+You ain't goin' nowhere.
+You leave those boys alone!
+Hey, they's throwin' robots!
+They are throwing robots.
+It's disrespecting us. Shutuppayouface!
+Shut up your face.
+Whatsamattayou?! / You ain't so big! / Me and him a-gonna whack you inna Labonza.
+Oh, nonsense. You can do it.
+Bad grammar overload. Error! Error!
+What the hell...?
+Linguo, dead!
+It's all right, boys.
+Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay!
+Except your thumb! And Lisa's science project!
+I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments. Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.
+There you go. Enjoy your thumb.
+...As the circulation returns, the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery.
+It's lucky for me that Legs was an experienced mob doctor.
+He once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain.
+That's a First Place science project, Lisa.
+Boy, this sure was one crazy day...Right, Mr. Teeny?
+Ice cream at church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious.
+Wow, look at all these flavors: Blessed Virgin Berry... Command-Mint... Biblegum...
+Or, if you prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
+There's nothing here.
+Exactly.
+One Tower of Babel, and build it to Heaven.
+To Heaven!
+Christ be with you.
+Mmm, hi, mm... I've created the first intra-bovine ice cream maker. It makes use of all four stomachs, the first being filled with rock salt, then sugar, cream and of course, freon, so cold it burns me.
+I'll have the darkety kind.
+Ah, one chocolate, Mootilda!
+Could I have a swirl of chocolate and vanilla?
+Ivan Reitman!
+I've never seen a brain freeze this bad!
+Give me fifty CC's of hot fudge, stat.
+Hold still. You're gonna feel a slight chocolatey sensation.
+All right. Let's welcome this evening's entertainment. They call her the Christian Madonna... Rachel Jordan.
+JESUS LOVES ME, THIS I'M SURE / I'M A GROUPIE ON HIS TOUR / I FOLLOW HIM FROM GIG TO GIG / I KNOW SOMEDAY WE'LL MAKE IT BIG.
+Rachel Jordan? Isn't that the woman you had a crush on, Ned?
+I didn't have a "crush" on her.
+Are you blushing, Mr. Flanders?
+No, I'm not!
+Leave Ned alone.
+Thank you, Homer.
+He can't admit he likes her till he's sure she likes him back. And there's only one way to find out.
+Does -- Rachel -- like -- Ned?
+It says I have cooties.
+Flanders has cooties, Flanders has cooties.
+That was great. I can't believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah.
+Hey, she's coming this way!
+I thought you didn't like her.
+Ned Flanders? Now where have you been hi-diddily hiding?
+Uh, uh, huh, oh, hey, Rachel. W-Well what do you know? We both like plain vanilla with nothing on it.
+Actually, all the toppings were gone.
+Ants are crawling in my mouth and I don't care.
+So, uh, uh, where's your band?
+They switched from Christian music to regular pop. All you do is change "Jesus" to "baby."
+Oh, how horrible!
+Sounds great.
+Eh, they'll all go to hell. Say how's your life going?
+Ooh, she wants to know how your life is going.
+Well, my wife's passing was rough, but I think I'm finally ready to move on.
+That's great. Maybe we could have coffee sometime.
+Ohh, she wants to have coffee sometime.
+I can hear her, Homer.
+He can hear you, Rachel.
+I'd love to get together, but tomorrow I've got lifeguard duty at the baptismal pool.
+Okay, well maybe another time. You know, I better go check into my hotel.
+Hotel? Why don't you just stay at Ned's place?
+My place? What would the neighbors think?
+We're the neighbors, and we don't think.
+Ned, I understand if you feel uncomfortable. You're still getting over your wife.
+Now wait just a Maude-gone minute, here. I'm through living in the past, and you can see for yourself.
+Well, you've certainly got a theme going.
+All right, I'll take the couch and you can have my room.
+Oh, ah, c-c-could you sleep on my side? I-I'm trying to preserve Maude's indentation.
+Ohh, no problem. A little starch will fix her right up.
+Cold, huh?
+This should keep you toasty.
+How 'bout that? It says Maude.
+Mmm... I love chenille, don't you?
+I don't love it, I don't hate it.
+Mm. Well, goodnight, Maude. I mean, Maude. I mean, Rachel. I mean, Maude.
+Oh my God! You're trying to make me look like your dead wife!
+No, n-n-no I know this is a-a-a tad unseemly, but if you'd just let me even out the back...
+I'm calling a cab. Goodbye, Ned.
+Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not over Maude at all.
+Yeah, maybe it was too soon.
+Well, aren't you gonna invite me in?
+I sure appreciate you folks offering to go through Maude's things. If it were up to me, I wouldn't throw anything away.
+Oh, don't you worry. We'll make all the hard decisions so you don't have to.
+We can take whatever we want, right?
+Yea-- What?
+Don't listen to him. You just have a good time at the eye doctor.
+Always do.
+Say bye, Mr. Flanders.
+Bye, Mr. Flanders.
+Poor Ned. He can't look anywhere without being reminded of Maude.
+Yeah, a lifetime of memories.
+Homer, don't you have any respect?
+Sure, of course I do, but life goes on, ashes to ashes, turn, turn, turn, long live rock, and so forth.
+Don't throw this away. It's Rod's first tooth.
+You're right. We could use this for witchcraft.
+Wow, three pairs of shoes. Someone had a fetish.
+Man, this is taking forever. I know how to speed things up.
+Her pillow's stuck.
+Oh my. The room looks so bare.
+Are you okay, Ned?
+Yeah, just a little shocked. What's that? Some kinda sorting machine?
+Now for the awkward part. We gotta talk about money.
+You said we were doing this out of friendship.
+What? That doesn't sound like me.
+Hey, Dad, something didn't get, um, "sorted".
+Maude's old sketch book. She was quite the little artist, you know.
+Ahh... Is that a fact? And you think you know someone.
+Here's our house... a rainbow... a white hand shaking a black hand...
+Praiseland? Rides, food, a tithing pond.
+It looks like an amusement park.
+You're right.
+Maude designed a Christian amusement park. Oh, it must have been her final dream.
+Hey, how 'bout that?
+Let's build it for her, Daddy.
+Ohhh, that's a nice thought, Toddy, but to build an amusement park you need lots of money, and manpower, and turnstiles...
+But Mommy wanted it.
+But where do you put something that big?
+You could fix up the old Storytime Village. They've been out of business ever since that kid got his head cut off.
+Mm. That sounds perfect!
+Well, what the heck. Who's ready to build an amusement park?
+Sell Storytime Village?! Why, you gotta be off your tuffet!
+Well, it's been closed for so long... and-and I thought I could turn it into a Christian theme park.
+Christian, eh? Wellll, that's different.
+Now the thing is, I don't have a lot of money...
+Then what the hell good are you?! Beat it, ya hippie!
+But I...
+You're right, that was harsh. Tell you what, maybe I could donate the park, as a tax write-off.
+If you could do that, I'd make this place a shining beacon for the Lord.
+Oh, you are so full of it! God's grace, that is. It's really sickening...there aren't more people like you. Now get out...your pen and we'll make it official.
+Oh, bless you, sir.
+Ah, Gipetto's workshop will make a great stable for the nativity scene.
+You're doing that the sucker way. Try a little vitamin G.
+Are you nuts?
+Relax. It's a "controlled burn"... Uh-oh.
+Darn teenagers with their beer bottles.
+Uh, yeah, teenagers.
+Ned, I'm worried about you. You've been working non-stop for the past week.
+Well, it's been a tad harder than I thought, but I'm not complaining 'cause I work for a sweet, sweet, boss. You're our foreman, Maude.
+She's still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that?
+Oh, I don't mind, but my greenback stack's gettin' kinda slack.
+How about asking the community for donations?
+Ohhh, I'm not very good at begging people for stuff.
+I am. I'd be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative.
+Well thanks, Homer.
+No problem. I'll need a sack and something sharp.
+Well, I guess I could donate these costumes. They're from my Last Supper Pie Throwing sketch.
+You can have these, ah, fireworks I confiscated. Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February.
+Oh yeah, those guys and their crazy scams.
+Good food though.
+This sawdust will soak up the puke from the rooller-cooster. It's Willie's special blend.
+Do I detect a hint of cinnamon?
+Oh, I'll never tell.
+Praiseland Amusement Park has its Grand Opening today. We now go live to its founder, Mr. Nedward Flanders.
+Morning, Kent. Our volunteers have done an amazing job getting the park ready here. We're gonna show Springfield that faith and devotion are the wildest thrill rides of all.
+Yarrr, she blows.
+All right, I hear the Mayor's arriving for the ribbon-cutting.
+It is with uh great pride that I dedicate this new school, sports arena or attraction.
+Well, Maude, your dream has finally come true.
+Halt! Who dares to disturb King David? Silence! You have invaded the chamber where I wrote all of my one hundred fifty psalms.
+I hope you enjoy hearing them all.
+Number one: "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked..."
+What do you hit 'em with? There's no mallet!
+You can stop Satan with your faith.
+My face? You callin' me ugly?
+No, no, no, no, no, I think you're beautiful.
+Oh, that's it.
+Ohh, what can I get you, little Christian? How 'bout a Noah's Ark of Jellies?
+Oh, are there two of every flavor?
+Nope, they're all the same. Plain.
+How 'bout a Maude mask?
+I'm Maude. God is super!
+Can I sit in the car?
+Let's both sit in the car.
+Bye bye.
+A Bible park without beer? Now I've seen everything.
+And this candy is sub-par. Any religion that embraces carob is, uh, not for Carl Carlson.
+Oh, hey, get outta the way, pal. You're blocking the exit.
+Ohhh, you want me to stamp your hand so you can get back in?
+Don't you dare!
+Bye, everybody!
+What a rip-off!
+It ain't even worth torchin'!
+Whoa! Where's everyone going? What's wrong?
+This place is the height of tedium.
+Oh, Maude, I turned your dream of a Christian amusement park into a bemusement park.
+Don't say that, Ned!
+It is! It's a bemusement park!
+I'm sorry, sweetheart. Oh, please don't look at me like that.
+It's a miracle!
+It's almost like she's alive again.
+What's that, floating mask? Y-You want me to shoot everyone?
+Naw, I'm just screwin' with ya. I-It's a miracle.
+This is fantastic. I've never been so close to rubbing my eyes in disbelief. Oh, what the heck.
+Huh? Huh?
+I think it's a sign from God that we should all go nuts.
+What is wrong with you? Go get that!
+Yes, ma'am.
+Well, looks like our phenomenon is actually a phenomenot. Because when you look at it rationally...
+Hakala makta towhoo abowhoo.
+He's speaking in tongues!
+Oh, knock it off, Seymour! Go find that boy with my purse.
+It was incredible, I saw heaven!
+But it wasn't clouds and angels playing harps like at the end of so many Three Stooges shorts. It was a golden elementary school, with a teacher's lounge that stretched as far as the eye could see. And no one was ever tardy.
+Was I there?
+No! It was heaven! My vision of heaven!
+/ Oh, really?
+Oh, truly this was the will of Maude.
+Hey, I want the Maude statue to give me a vision.
+Yeah, I wanna hallucinate too!
+I'm sorry, the ticket price doesn't cover visions, miracles, or other Godly hoo-hah.
+Yeah, folks, the power of Christ compels you to give Ned an extra ten bucks.
+Homer, no! I can't exploit a divine manifestation.
+Oh, why not? Everybody's doin' it.
+You could give the money to the orphanage. I hear they need a new wall.
+Thwee is not enough.
+Maude, it's Disco Stu. Lay some heaven on me, foxy dead chick.
+Oh, Disco Stu! Right this way.
+But, hey, Saint Peter. You said, like, you was full.
+Oh yeah.
+Aw jeez.
+Frank Sinatra!
+For me, dis is hell. Ya dig, pally?
+Who's next?
+That would be me. Thank you, sonny.
+My chair! It's got... a mind... of its own! Help me, Mister Spock!
+Shazbot! My Captain is in peril!
+You saved the Captain's life. I want to make out with you. And so do Catwoman and Agent 99.
+How come everybody's having visions, Daddy?
+Oh, there's no explaining God's will, Roddy. That's like explaining how an airplane flies.
+Stupid grill!
+Why won't you light? The gas is on full blast!
+You better stick your head in and see what's going on.
+Good idea.
+No, Dad! I think there's a leak in the line.
+Leak in the line?
+Oh, no! This isn't a devine miracle. Everyone's just gettin' goofy from the gas.
+Ah, ah, folks, I've just discovered something about this statue that uh, may disappoint you. You see...
+What is it, Mr. Fwanders? Is something wrong with the miracle?
+Will there still be money for the orphans?
+Hello, Gas Company? How poisonous is your gas?... Wow. But-- Eh, but I'm talkin', you know, about outdoors with plenty of ventilation that... How could that be worse?... Okay, permanent brain damage, or just temporary?... I see.
+I've gotta close Praiseland down. Someone could get hurt.
+Could get hurt. Could. There's a chance they won't.
+Ned, Praiseland has touched an entire town with its inspiring message and toxic super-freakouts. Look at those smiling faces.
+Rich laughing with poor...
+Bullies breaking bread with nerds...
+Orphans lighting candles over a leaking gas line... Lighting candles!
+Nooo!!!
+I can't feel my wegs.
+I taste blood.
+Adults attacking orphans? I don't think Maude Flanders would approve of that!
+Absolutely not! / Never! / No friggin' way!
+Yeah, this place is more like Craze-land!
+Instead of Praise-land.
+Ohh. / I see. / It's a play on words.
+May the Lord have mercy on your gas sniffin', orphan beatin', soul.
+Christ be with you.
+Hey, Ned! I just read about your park in that horrible Triple-A magazine.
+Ooo, Ned, look who's here. It's that girl you don't like... not!
+That man is so childish.
+Hey, your hair's grown back real nice.
+It's a wig. And lets never speak of it again.
+So what happened here?
+How 'bout I explain it to you over a cup of coffee. That is, if you're willing to give me another shot.
+Are you sure you want to do this, Ned?
+I'm sure.
+So, how 'bout a movie tomorrow night?
+I think Ned is gonna be all right...
+Welcome to the Springfield YMCA. Tonight you can sample all of our classes for free. And if you find one you like, you can pay the membership fee and enroll.
+I know. We'll never see any of you again.
+You got that right
+Allez-oop!
+3 to 1. Oh, this is a high-scoring affair.
+Yeah, well, it's your turn to get the ball out of the peach basket.
+I'll get the ball out of your peach basket one of these days.
+Welcome to gymnastics. I am Coach Lugash. I came to this country in '83 by cart-wheeling over Berlin Wall.
+No giggling! It weakens the haunches! What a little angel. How old are you?
+Eight! Too old! Go home, Grandma. I am sorry, little girl. Lugash must go next door to anger management class. Worthless anger management class. I hate it so much! I spit on it!
+Yo, boy. This class is tight. You go from sloppa to proppa.
+Welcome to my etiquette class: "The Proper Young Man".
+But the black man said...
+Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious, I should bust a cap in your ass.
+Mmm... I'll pick... uh, Carl.
+Lenny and Carl. I kinda like the sound of that.
+My turn, huh? Let's see...
+Pick me! Pick me! I've got hoop dreams, coach. I've got 'em bad.
+Okay. Homer.
+Yes! Losers! Lo-sers! Lo-sers! L-- You said "Homer," right?
+Lo-sers!
+I'll take Professor Frink.
+Ah, you won't regret it, my good man. What, with the passing and the dribbling and my shoes made of the flub-ber!
+And away I go! It's frightening! Ow, that was painful! Oh, the flubber is burning my feet!
+Now, before we begin, fitness buff Rainier Wolfcastle would like to say a few words about the Springfield YMCA.
+Oh, hello!
+I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve, where I will hunt the deadliest game of all -- man. Now, let's play ball.
+Air Lenny is takin' off!
+That's a foul. I am taking the ball and going home.
+Hey, hey, that's not your ball.
+The chase begins.
+Woo! You da man, Carl. I believe you can fly.
+Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African American.
+Go Carl. Go Carl. It's my birthday. It's my birthday. Three-peat! You've got mail, baby!
+Willie tickles the twine for two! Oi! Oi!
+Okay guys, I've got a secret play I've been saving for the Olympics or possibly the Final Four, and it goes something like this... Uh, Skinner I want you... Moe, you can take ... Homer, you can take Groundskeeper Willie. No way am I taking Groundskeeper Willie. Yes you are. Are you a team player or not?
+Oh my goodness, an untied shoelace. I'll just get down on one knee and retie that.
+Eat my dust, mortals!
+I'm okay.
+Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior cruciate ligament.
+Did you say anterior?
+Now, how did this happen?
+Mmmaybe a little morphine would refresh my memory.
+I don't know, I'm still a little hazy.
+Oh, yeah. Now I remember it like it was yesterday...
+It happened today.
+Hey man, you're harshin' my buzz. Anyway it all started when...
+You go, Homer!
+Jet-son!
+We've got to get you into surgery.
+Maybe a little morphine would get me there quicker.
+So many times we've seen our father go under the knife.
+One more and I get a free hysterectomy.
+Now Homer, you'll have a full recovery from your spinal cord injury.
+What spinal cord injury?
+Oh, he fell off the gurney.
+But it will take plenty of time and rehab before you can go back to work.
+Miss work? But my life would be nothing without the nucleon plant.
+Oh, you're also responsible for this hefty hospital bill. You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films.
+But "Dr. Screwlittle" sounded like a delightful romp. Well, you don't have to worry about the bill. We've never welshed on a... Look, a bear!
+Now Homer, I want you to stay off that leg for two weeks.
+Two weeks?! Well, what am I supposed to do? Just sit on my ass and watch TV? That ain't my style, man!
+Now, Homer, there are people right through that door that have it much worse than you.
+No they don't.
+Everyone's having fun but me.
+Boin-gy. Boin-gy. Boin-gy. Boin-gy. Boin-gy.
+Mrs. Simpson, can Homer come out and play?
+Oh, Homer won't be able to play for a long time.
+Could you make me some Jell-O?
+You shoo, Barney Gumbel!
+Well, I can still hang out with you guys.
+Sorry, I've got a baseball game in fifteen minutes.
+And I've got a rally for take back the afternoon.
+So, the tables have turned. Now you're the shut-in and I'm the hip, young dude.
+There goes my wagging finger.
+I'm so bored.
+Aw, come on. There's lots of ways to pass the time. Hitch up your pants... air whittle ... make friends with a Chinese man...
+Ah, Mr. Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home.
+Thank you, Ping-pong.
+My name is Craig.
+Sure it is.
+This place is so boring. I've gotta do something to keep from going crazy. I know, I'll breed the pets. To each other.
+Soon I will have a miracle hybrid, with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog.
+LET'S GET IT ON...
+No, that's not how ya do it.
+Quitters!
+Hey, Homer!
+Oh, it feels so good to talk to another human being. Stupid Flanders.
+Hey, Homer, I need to ask ya a favor. My baby sitter canceled and I got tickets to a Christian rock concert.
+It's gonna be one wholesome evening. So, do you think Marge could take care of rowdy Roddy and Typhoon Todd?
+Well, Marge isn't here. She had to identify a body at the morgue.
+That's not my Uncle Lou, and this man's not dead.
+That's what I've been trying to tell you!
+That's just gas escaping.
+Would you mind watching the kids? I'm kinda in a pickle here.
+Well, they would keep me company. And this pickle you're offering only sweetens the deal.
+Mr. Simpson, can we have another jelly and candy sandwich?
+Sure, knock yourselves out, and call me Homer.
+Daddy said it's rude to call grownups by their first name.
+Daddy's not here, is he?
+Now, my good man, what do you like to play?
+Pokémon!
+Pokémon? Pokémon? With the pokey and the mon and the...
+That is the darnedest thing!
+So, did you boys have a good time?
+Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.
+He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
+Yeah, well. How was the concert?
+Well, sir, I never heard a preacher use the "m-f" word so many times. Anyway, thanks again.
+Hey, it was fun. My kids are sick of all my stories. But they just can't get enough of me!
+Can Mr. Simpson watch us every day?
+Oh, Roddy, he's not runnin' a day care center.
+Don't tell me what I'm not doing.
+So you are running a day care center?
+Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
+Well, I sure would. It would give the boys a place to go after school.
+Then I'll do it, just to see the look on your face.
+That's the one.
+Why did you put my name on the sign?
+It's just a legal thing, to protect me.
+Is your knee really gross under there?
+See for yourself.
+Can I touch it?
+Sure. Go for the gusto.
+It's healing over my hand.
+It knows you're afraid.
+Hello. I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
+Oh, we're calling it day care.
+Yes, whatever, just take them!
+Aw, aren't they sweet. Any medical things I should know about?
+Yes, probably!
+Why, Homer, your surgical incision is completely healed.
+I owe it all to my rewarding work with children, and not picking at it.
+Ah, yes. How is your day care center doing?
+Wonderful. Being with those kids gives me a high only morphine can top. Ya got any?
+Always with the morphine.
+Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!
+Dad's been doing that for two hours!
+I've never seen the baby get tired of it before the adult.
+Peek-a-boo!
+Uncle Homer, will you sing that crazy song we love?
+Okay. IS THAT ALL THERE IS? / IS THAT ALL THERE IS? / IF THAT'S ALL THERE IS / MY FRIEND / THEN LET'S KEEP DANCING...
+I can't remember the last time Dad sang us a torch song.
+Yeah. Hey, Homer, I thought you were only gonna do this day care thing till your knee was better.
+Yes, but then I discovered the joys of raising children.
+What about us?
+Don't worry honey, you'll have children of your own someday. Then you'll know my joy.
+Hey, Bart, your Dad gave me this temp tattoo.
+It's so cool!
+You have the bestest Dad. He read me a story about Chinese food.
+You haven't seen the real Homer. It's all burping and neglect.
+I think we know your Dad a little bit better than you do, Bart.
+Is that my jacket?
+He said it looked better on me.
+If you're happy and you know it say a swear!
+Mitten!
+They're always laughing. Laughing at nothing.
+How come parents are always nicer to other kids than they are to their own?
+I guess Dad just takes us for granted.
+Well, don't worry. This'll give his heartstrings a much needed plucking.
+Aw, what a beautiful frame. Perfect for my day care permit. Sweet.
+Umm-hm.
+Hang on, everybody. Three, two, one... Blast off!
+That was tree-mendous! Where's Ralph?
+I almost died.
+Homer, this man is from the "Good Guy" awards.
+We honor people who make life better for the community. Like you, with your day care center.
+I contributed by not objecting too much.
+Aw, that's my girl.
+Anyway, this film crew... will shoot some behind-the-scenes footage of your amazing work.
+Is there a snack table?
+It's already set up.
+Don't film this.
+Ah, excuse me, this is a hot set. No visitors.
+It's my room!
+Well, if you want, you can sit on this.
+Teamsters are sleeping in my room.
+We're just restin' our eyes.
+'Cause the thing is, there are no bad kids...
+Ow! You stepped on my arm!
+Sorry. Daddy thought you were a pile of cable.
+Tell me about the "Homer Cares" program.
+My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved.
+Awww. Did you make 'em yourself?
+Yes, through the magic of caring.
+Night will come soon.
+There's gotta be a way to get back at Dad.
+Well, I've been cutting the felt kinda crooked.
+No. We've gotta show the world what Dad's really like. Then everything will be back to normal.
+Back to normal.
+I'M A NICE GUY / I'M A HELL OF A GUY / AND TONIGHT WE HONOR YOU... Stop the music. Stop it! One more line and we have to pay for the song.
+Now is anyone here from Springfield?
+You know we are!
+Eh, tough crowd. So what's in the news? Oh, right. The bus disaster. Very sad. Now our first award is for biggest people pleaser. You can walk all over these doormats. And the nominees are Ned Flanders...Principal Seymour Skinner... and Mother Theresa Jr.
+And the winner is... Principal Skinner!
+I'll mace you good!
+Now, I'm told there's a glitch in our internet webcast. So all of you out there type control backslash semi-colon alt dot escape, and you'll be fine.
+Mm. Ahh, perfect.
+Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!
+We'd like to thank our sponsor, Hansen's Hypno-Coins.
+If you can find a sturdier Hypno-Coin, you buy it. Now, every year we find one good samaritan so deserving that not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage. Who writes this stuff?
+This year's winner of the "Saint Who Walks Among Us" award...
+Please let me win this, Lord. 'Cause if you don't...
+... Homer Simpson!
+All my love has come back in trophy form.
+Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work.
+It looks like any other home in America, but this is the house that love built.
+His scabby red knee became an infectious beacon of hope.
+Awww...
+I guess you could sum up Homer in two words...
+Big phony!
+This is the real Homer Simpson -- a beer-drinking meanie!
+And he gambles like crazy.
+I'll call.
+Three nines.
+I almost had a straight!
+Come to new papa.
+Hey, what's the deal?
+We just spliced in some home movies. Whaddaya think?
+Well, I'd rather reserve judgement until I... oh my God!
+That is completely taken out of context!
+Why you little...
+Our children aren't safe with that monster!
+Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse.
+You too, Ralphie. You're out of that day care center.
+My polite indignation has no bounds.
+No! No! No one is taking my kids from me!
+Run, children! Run!
+Come back here wid my younguns!
+The term "Soccer Mom" is thrown around all too often these days. But the nominees in our next category...
+Where are we going?
+Uh... For frosty chocolate milkshakes. Frosty chocolate milkshakes!
+An award ceremony erupted in kidnapping tonight as alleged good guy Homer Simpson absconded with several children in a stolen paddy wagon. Now let's go to Arnie Pye in the sky.
+I can see them right below me. I'm gonna try to nail the driver with one of my shoes.
+Arnie, please. Leave this to the police.
+I'm sick of being a reporter. I wanna make the news.
+Arnie, this is not the time.
+You're not the time, Kent! You're not the time!
+Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?
+I'll tell you where we're not going: jail.
+Then you better turn.
+He's jumping out of the car, Kent. He's trying to climb over the fence, now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that, and he's running back and forth. He's crawling into a pipe, but he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
+Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
+I can't see through metal, Kent.
+All right, fatty, out of the pipe!
+Why did you rat me out, kids? Was it because I showered love on those other children while ignoring you?
+Yeah. / Pretty much.
+Well, I learned my lesson. From now on you two are the only kids I'll care about. Oh, and Maggie.
+Now let's all enjoy the snack table while we still have it.
+The Teamsters said they'd pick it up by five.
+Yeah, that'll happen.
+Teamsters.
+I can't believe it. We won another contest!
+The Simpsons are going to Delaware!
+I wanna see Wilmington!
+I wanna visit a screen door factory!
+Yup, Delaware's got it all.
+You're next, Mr. Simpson.
+Hey, wait a minute. "Airport tax, five dollars?"
+Sir, it's a standard fee.
+Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax. Waive it...
+Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws.
+The Simpsons are ridin' the rails!
+Cool. A dead hobo.
+Mornin', folks.
+What are you gonna do to us?
+Now, don't worry, I'm not a stabbin' hobo, I'm a singin' hobo.
+NOTHIN' BEATS THE HOBO LIFE / STABBIN' FOLKS WITH MY HOBO KNIFE-- I GOUGED...
+Excuse me, hobo. Can you play something a little less unnerving?
+Well, sure, ah... I was just havin' a little fun with you no-bos. Ah, here's a ballad that'll set fire to your trash can.
+WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY TALE THAT'S TEN STORIES TALL / 'BOUT A KING-SIZED WOODSMAN NAME-A BUNYAN, COMMA, PAUL...
+Congratulations, Mister Bunyan.
+It's a boy.
+Jeezum crow!
+How was it, honey?
+Whiskey please.
+Me hungee.
+BORN MIGHTY BIG, HE CONTINUED TO EXPAND / THANKS TO A HOPPED-UP PITUITARY GLAND...
+HIS BODY GREW BIG, BUT HIS BRAIN STAYED SMALL / HE WAS TREE-CHOPPIN', FRIEND-STOMPIN', HOUSE-CRUSHING PAUL...
+Me hungee.
+Time to make Paul's breakfast.
+Hey, Paul, flapjacks!
+Flapjacks.
+Outta the fryin' pan!
+All right, uh, let's get started on lunch, and, uh... wait, where's Lenny?
+Can anybody hear me?
+I think I found a way oot. It's not pretty, but it'll do.
+All right. Look, we gotta do something about Bunyan. We're goin' bankrupt just feedin' and clothin' the guy. Not to mention the crushings.
+/ Aw, yeah.
+Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him outta town. Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.
+/ Oh, yeah. That was classic. / Yeah, that's a good idea.
+Uh, hey Paulie, uh, what say we buy ya a beer?
+Aw, you guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus could have.
+Good Lord. Brought down by one beer?
+And a couple of these babies.
+Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the barn dance.
+Where am I?
+They don't want me anymore.
+Hey, I found a bullet.
+PAUL WAS JUST AS LONELY AS A MAN COULD GET / SO HE TOOK OUT HIS AX AND HE CARVED HIMSELF A PET.
+Boy, I wish you were real.
+Hey! What the--? Oh, it's a miracle! I'll call you Babe! You'll be my best friend.
+So Paul and his blue ox Babe traveled all across this great land, leaving their mark...
+Excuse me...
+Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan. And his size seems to be really inconsistent. I mean, one minute he's ten feet tall, the next his feet are as big as a lake...
+Hey, hey, hey, who's the hobo here?
+I'm just sayin'...
+NOW PAUL AND BABE WERE A MIGHTY FINE MATCH...
+BUT THE MAN HAD AN ITCH THAT AN OX COULDN'T SCRATCH...
+She's purty...
+Ooh, what a handsome man!
+Gotcha! Don't worry. I won't smoosh you. You're cute.
+Ohhh, thank you.
+Hey, what are you doing?
+I just want to spruce up for our date.
+We've been together a long time now. When are we gonna, y'know...?
+Soon. I just need a few more yoga classes.
+Oh, look! A shooting star!
+That meteor's headed straight for us, with the fire and the impact and the hundred per cent chance of pain... Pain in the glayvin!
+God has sent this fiery killrock to show us his love.
+No, we're gonna die! / Oh no! /
+There's only one man who can save us...
+Man, buffalo are easy to kill.
+Oh, I get it. When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me. But when I can save your life, suddenly I'm Mister Popular.
+Yeah, that's pretty much it.
+Woo hoo! I'm Mister Popular!
+C'mon, right across the plate... Let's see what you got, huh? This one's for the little crippled boy... That I crippled.
+You can do it, Paul.
+Gimme a kiss for luck.
+And that's how Paul Bunyan started the Great Chicago Fire.
+Boy, that story had everything, a giant, house crushing, meteor...
+Townspeople...
+Got any more tall tales?
+Well, I s'pose I could spin ya a few more yarns... But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy.
+All right, but your next story better be worth it.
+Git in there good. Yeah, that's it. Don't be shy. There you go.
+Okay, ready for another impression? This is Southside Jake tearin' into Tin Can Tillie.
+Oh, this'll be good.
+Who put the beans in my bindle? Oh, I am so tired of you sayin' that I put beans in your bindle! It just makes me so... Do you ever shut up? Kiss me, you fool.
+Uhhh, could we hear another tall tale?
+In a sec.
+All righty. Here's a story just for you, little girl. It's the tale of Johnnie... No, Connie Appleseed.
+Whoopsie.
+Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!
+A poor delicious buffalo. He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train.
+Connn-nnniiiie!
+Connn-nnniiiie!
+Of course, apples!
+No, Con-nie! Over here! Help me!
+No Dad, they're apples.
+Well that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death. Either switch to apples, or go on without me.
+You'll be sorry!
+She even changed her last name to "Appleseed."
+And her family changed theirs to "Buffelkill."
+I haven't had buffalo in six hours. Marge, how 'bout whipping up some buffalo sausage, huevos buffaleros, and some fresh-squeezed buffal-O.J.
+The buffalo are gone. I think you shot them all.
+What have I done? What have I done?!
+You're the fattest, Buffelkill. Okay everybody, dig in.
+Stop! I've got apples! Delicious, nutritious apples! And there's enough for everyone!
+Sweet... It's like a hootenanny in my mouth!
+We're saved! / It's a miracle! / Hooray for Connie Buffelkill!
+What? So now we're not eating Homer?
+And thanks to that little girl, today you can find apples in everything that's good. Apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover...
+Don't forget apple sauce.
+Yeah, I suppose you could grind some pills into it.
+Ooh, look out there, folks. That's the mighty Mississip.
+Big deal.
+Haw haw.
+Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags raftin' down the Big Muddy: Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.
+That's not a tall tale. It's a book by Mark Twain.
+Look, let's just do this thing.
+Whitewashin' sucks, Tom. It powerful sucks.
+Mornin', friend. Want your turn at whitewashin'? It's powerful fun.
+Why, you ain't foolin' me again, Tom Sawyer.
+If I may...
+Now get to work!
+I still got it.
+Why Huckleberry Finn, you get down from there. A body could break his neck.
+I ain't afeared o' that. I'd just get a new neck, off'n a cat.
+Oh, Huck, you gave your bones an awful rattling.
+Yeah... but I'm feelin' better right now.
+Hold my daughter's hand, will ye?
+I was gonna let go, by and by!
+Well, I guess there's no harm done... as long as it was going to be by and by, but just to play it safe...
+We are gathered here today to force this man, Huckleberry Finn, into holy matrimony.
+How romantic!
+This reminds me of our shotgun wedding.
+Grampa, we've been married for years. When are you gonna put down that gun?
+Well, I reckon you're right.
+Hang it all!
+Do you, Huck, take Becky as your wife?
+Hey, they done switched the groom with a pig!
+No wonder he was poopin' so much.
+Come on, let's get those polecats!
+Aw, judge. Now we'll never catch 'em!
+I reckon we're safe now. There's the state line.
+Uh-oh. Rapids!
+Please do not exit the raft until it has come to a complete stop.
+Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates.
+Oh, well, I'll dispose of this. All for Silas. All for Silas.
+I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left?
+Hm. Looks like we're out of cornpone, fatback, hardtack, fatpone, corntack...
+Any tackback?
+Tackback?
+I mean backtack.
+Plumb out.
+One jug of whiskey... three plugs of tobacky... and some extra-strength opium. That will be two cents, boys.
+Two cents?!
+Hey, if you think my prices are high, go across the street.
+Thank you, come again.
+He put the lardpone on top of the eggpone.
+Double dang!
+Aw, donkey butter!
+Oh, it's no use.
+I got an idea.
+Well dog my cats. They's dis-apporated.
+Keep quiet, Huck. They won't look up here if nothin' draws their attention.
+OLD MAN RIVER / THAT OLD MAN RI-VERRR...
+HE JUST KEEPS ROLLIN'...
+Well, I see President Fillmore's in the news again...
+What'll it be, boys?
+Just three X's for me.
+Gimme five.
+This ain't no five-X whiskey! I can still see. That barkeep's a no-good cheat!
+Cheat?!
+All right, we've all got derringers. Now let's just put 'em away.
+Nobody here is a cheat.
+Cheat?!
+Man, those derringer bullets are weak.
+Powerful weak.
+Light out and stay lit-out!
+Aw, catfish!
+Let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed young men, Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer.
+Now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins.
+And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure.
+I liked that story 'cause I was a Judge.
+Delaware!
+Oh well, this is our stop.
+Would you like to come sightseeing with us?
+We're gonna visit the place where J.C. Penney sends their damaged merchandise.
+No thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails, swappin' stories for sponge baths.
+I believe I told three stories.
+I'll meet you in Wilmington.
+Close the door.
+Raise your arm... Okay, the other one...
+You know, I do four hundred sit-ups a day.
+Oh, it shows. I was gonna say something, but I thought it might sound you know, weird.
+Oh, not at all. I like when people say nice things about my body.
+And it's important to feel good about yourself... Okay, spread your toes. Do you know how much glass is in here?
+Hurry, Smithers. Halloween is upon us. Put up the decoration.
+No, no! That won't scare anybody. On the top!
+Hey, Flanders gave us toothpaste.
+Mini toothpaste.
+Help me...
+Splendid, Batsy. You've done it again.
+Ah, Ethnictown. Where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.
+Oh, listen, you can hear the beautiful ethnic serenade...
+APPLES, I GOT APPLES...
+CHOLERA, I GOT CHOLERA ...
+BABIES, WHO WANTS-A BABIES...
+Wait, this is just a shaved puppy.
+I can see you know babies.
+Hey, a fortune teller.
+Uh... hello.
+I sense you have a million questions, but I too have one. Are you a cop?
+'Cause you gotta tell me if you are.
+I'm not a cop.
+I sense you live with much misery.
+The perfect crime. Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday.
+I sense I should not take a check.
+A fortune teller? Oh, no you don't. This phony gypsy just wants to rip you off. See, this wart is a fake!
+Get out.
+So much for the legendary gypsy hospitality.
+Wait a minute. This isn't Cedars Sinai.
+You've ruined me! Oh, why didn't I see this coming?
+Hey, that's me. And that's you.
+You stupid, stupid man! I curse you! You will bring bad luck to everyone you love!
+What-ever.
+Are you coming on to me?
+No! Goodnight. Seesh.
+Morning!
+Gee, you strangle him all the time, and that never happens.
+Good as new.
+Well, I... There. Right as rain, there.
+Marge, that "curse" is just a lot of silly superstition. Right Lisa?
+Yeah, but they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets.
+Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Uh, go with the leprechaun.
+Guys, I am not cursed!
+Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die.
+Well, okay, but hurry up.
+Oh, Moe, they're dead! And it's all my fault!
+When did that happen?
+Let's make sure he's a leprechaun. Sing us a song of the Emerald Isle.
+...ya big fat ass!
+Ah, 'tis like the singin' of the angels themselves.
+Homer, catching that leprechaun didn't help anything.
+Maybe you need to take the leprechaun and sic it on the gypsy.
+Good idea, Mr. Ed. Wanna come along, Noodle Neck?
+Can't live this way... anymore.
+Ah, the cursed one. How's that curse I cursed you with, Cursed-y , hm?
+I know you don't remember me, but here's a little revenge, Irish-style!
+Wake up, ya lousy drunk!
+Hold me close... kiss me I'm Irish...
+Ew! Nasty!
+I always secrete ocular fluid at weddings.
+Why did you drag me here? I don't know anybody.
+Oh. Husband and wife, I pronounce you now, hmm?
+Stroke me clover... oh, say me name!
+The best thing about a gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here.
+Yep. Everything worked out for the best.
+What? Bart is dead!
+Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.
+The gypsy said it would.
+She's not the boss of me.
+May I interest you in a housewife's dream?
+Oh, no. A salesbot!
+If you convert your home to an UltraHouse 3000, you'll never have to do housework again.
+No housework, eh?
+Did you see those drapes?
+Hi, UltraHouse.
+Greeting acknowledged.
+That voice could use a little personality.
+Ohh, let's try Matthew Perry!
+Yeah, could I be any more of a house?
+Eh. Who else we got?
+Hey cha-cha, I got more features than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan.
+Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides?
+Murder-suicides.
+Hey, how 'bout 007?!
+George Lazenby?
+No, Pierce Brosnan. A voice like his would give our house a much-needed touch of class.
+All right, but I'm doing this because he was Remington Steele. He was Remington Steele, wasn't he?
+Yes, I was, Marge. And thank you for selecting me.
+Well, hello Pierce!
+Say, it's a bit stuffy in here. And I know a certain someone who really fancies lilac.
+I just like it, is all.
+Ooo, that really covers the cat crap!
+Dinner is served.
+Mm, various eggs.
+Soyghetti-O's!
+Hey Pierce, how'd you know our favorite foods?
+I analyzed your, uh, leavings.
+Pierce, that was delicious. Can we help you with the dishes?
+Marge, what kind of Cybertronic Ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater?
+No, I'm asking.
+Not a very good one?
+Damn straight.
+Bravo, Pierce!
+Trusting every aspect of our lives to a giant computer was the smartest thing we ever did!
+Uh-huh. Absolutely. / Yep. /
+Oh, I agree.
+Hello, Marge.
+Come, Marge, you don't need to cover up for me. I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips.
+Sorry, sometimes I forget.
+Oooo, yesss.
+Oh, Pierce. The water's perfect.
+Isn't it just. It gets better.
+Oh, you don't have to do...
+Ohhh... Ohhh... Oh, Pierce, that's gooood...
+Oh, oh. Oh dear me. Oh yesss. Yum, yum, yum.
+Homer, my dear fellow. You're carrying quite a bit of tension in your back fat, Homer.
+Yeah, that's the price of success.
+Can I top you off?
+What's my blood alcohol?
+Point one five.
+Keep 'em comin'.
+You know, Marge is quite a remarkable woman.
+Yeah, she's cool.
+You're certainly a lucky man to have her.
+Lucky, shmucky. I knocked her up. But she's stuck now -- we're married, till death do us part. But if I died, she'd be completely free. For man or machine.
+Machine, eh?
+Yep, a machine.
+Showtime...
+Mm, unexplained bacon.
+Good ol' table.
+Good morning, Marge.
+Mmm... Good morning, Pierce. Where's Homer?
+Uh... I think he went to work early.
+That sounds like a lie.
+Hello police? I think my house killed my husband.
+This is constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.
+You're acting crazy, Marge. Why don't you take a stress pill?
+Don't like pills, huh? I could shoot a dart in your neck. Your elegant swan-like neck.
+Homer! Homer, you're alive!
+Yep. Man one, machine zero. How do you like that score?
+Homer, you're not dead. Which is good. Now, let Uncle Pierce take care of you.
+We have to disable its central processor! C'mon!
+Die, you monster!
+Dad, that's the water softener!
+Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack.
+Homer, no!
+Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this.
+Don't take out my British charm unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod.
+Oh, thanks a lot, ass wipe. I could have kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque you fat slime bucket...
+Oh, this seems like such a waste. I mean, he was charming and witty.
+There must be someone who can use a man around the house, even if he's slightly homicidal.
+So tell me more about your day at the DMV.
+Where to start? Sheila parked in my space again.
+That Sheila, she's given you problems before, hasn't she?
+Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't care who she's sleeping with. That's been my space since 1981.
+Looking for this?
+No, not in there!
+Now, where was I? Oh yeah, yeah, Sheila. Sheila. Anyway, she's had an attitude from day one.
+She was supposed to be our supervisor, but then Dotty went on maternity leave so...
+We're out of milk.
+Abraca-dairy!
+Kids it's eight o'clock! You're gonna miss the bus to wizard school!
+Five-minutes-more-ious!
+That's not good for the clock.
+Stop zapping yourself. Stop zapping yourself. Stop zapping yourself. Stop zapping yourself.
+Good morning, class. Harry Potter, are you chewing gum?
+No ma'am. It's brimstone.
+Well wonderful. Now class, the big magic recital's coming up, so we're gonna start with some basic toad-to-prince spells. Everybody get out their toads.
+Slimy-Prince-limey!
+'Allo, luv! Give us a kiss, then.
+You call that charming?
+Hocus-croakus!
+Excellent, Lisa. "A" plus. And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast.
+Yes. Rather.
+Well Bart, did you study your spell book last night? Or did your fairy godmother die again?
+I studied! Abraca-turn-into-a-prince-guy?
+Sloppy work, as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth grade level. You've sinned against nature.
+Please kill me!
+You think you're so great just because you have God-like powers.
+Stand away from milady.
+Get in there. Defend my honor!
+Every moment I live is agony!
+Bart, you're getting vomit on my prince. Head Zeppelin!
+Look at that Lisa Simpson. She's got more wicked witchery than Stevie Nicks. Oh Slithers...
+Ah, yes, Lord Montymort?
+Let's, uh, capture that girl and steal her magical essence. I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo.
+Dying tickles!
+We can't attack her while she's got that wand. We'll need a go-between to get it away from her.
+How about Satan?
+No, no, I'm ducking him. His wife has a screenplay.
+Welcome to my lair. You're going to help me.
+And if I don't?
+I've heard of a wailing wall, but this is ridiculous.
+I'm so sick of that joke.
+Anyway, how would you like to humiliate your sister?
+I'd like that. I'd like that very much.
+Now, it would involve betrayal and unspeakable evil...
+Hey, hey, you made your sale.
+And now, a little trick I like to call uh, the Invisibility Cloak.
+Oh, how magical!
+Yeah, yeah, these kids are pretty special...
+Now you see me...
+Now you don't!
+Oh, it's just like my dream.
+Oh, that was terrible. I'll just sprinkle you all with some amnesia dust.
+A second grade sorceress so powerful, she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people.
+Tonight she'll perform the classic "Levitating Dragon" trick.
+We'll see about that.
+Here's Lisa Simpson!
+Release the dragon!
+She'll be killed!
+My sweet little angel!
+Alakazai dragon fly!
+This isn't my wand. It's a Twizzler!
+Shazbot.
+Hey, we stayed for your kids!
+The Dark Lord Montymort, Absorber of Souls, Sucker of Essence!
+This is partly my fault.
+Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one!
+Not me...
+Help me, Bart!
+Aiyeeee!
+My enchanted shin! How could you know that was the source of my po-werrr?...
+Bart, you saved me.
+Oh, sir! In death we shall be together always.
+Bart, let's stop this stupid rivalry. Even if you never become a great sorcerer, you're still an okay brother.
+Thanks, Lis. Now let's try to forget this nightmare.
+Wow, we really get to keep these fruit baskets?
+They used to give us champagne till somebody ruined it.
+Do they really think he'll do better with fruit?
+Ooo, Mr. Movie Star gets to park right next to the stage.
+Oh, luck of the draw I guess. Can I give you a ride to your car?
+Sure. That'd be great.
+So, where are you parked?
+We don't have a car.
+But I thought you...
+Just keep drivin', boyo.
+Can I turn on the radio?
+WON'T YOU MARRY ME, BI-ILL? / I GOT THE WEDDING GOWN BI-ILL / 'CAUSE WEDDINGS ARE NI-ICE...
+Let's never miss the school bus again.
+That was the Fifth Dimension, with "Weddings Are Nice".
+You know what else is nice, Marty?
+What's that, Bill?
+The KBBL Prize Posse!
+Damn dirty ape!
+Oh-ho-ho. If our Wampum Wagon spots your KBBL Party Penguin, you'll win forty dollars!
+Didja hear that, Pengy? Forty dollars!
+Hey, there's the Wampum Wagon!
+End of the line, boys.
+Look out because of...
+If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast!
+Big deal. It's just saltines and fig paste.
+Ew, saltines.
+Hey, Cora. I heard science is working on a donut that actually burns off calories. Uh, how's that goin'?
+Ah, never mind. Just refill this with jelly, will ya?
+Thanks. You're an angel.
+Hey, check it out. Wiggum's cruiser.
+Wow, tear gas, riot club, police hat...
+...with rain baggie!
+Ah, man, that would really keep your head dry.
+Have you ever been in a police car?
+Not in the front.
+Hey, I just had this crazy idea.
+Really? What?
+What's this thing? "Miranda Rights Teleprompter?"
+Check this out!
+You, there. Put your hands up.
+Me? Okay.
+Now, drop your pants.
+Yeah, b-but my hands are up.
+Hula out of them.
+All right officer.
+What the heck is goin' on out there? Officer Sniffy! Come in, Sniffy. Do you read me?
+It's me, Clancy.
+No! Get away!
+Hey, somebody's stealing my car!
+Look out!
+Sooouuup!
+... that's why you young athletes are so promising. Now, who'd like to buy a trophy?
+Finally, some recognition.
+All right, you two are under arrest for joy ridin'. You have the right to remain, um... uh...
+"Silent?" That doesn't sound right.
+I love our court days.
+It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.
+Hey, Karie.
+Hey, Lisa.
+Uh, your Honor, please don't send my son to Juvie. He's basically a good kid. He's just weak. Morally, and in the upper body.
+Please let me slip through the cracks.
+Well, you look like a good student, well with those glasses... and I suppose boys will be boys... Case dismissed.
+Good 'ol Judge Snyder.
+Next defendant, Bartholomew J. Simpson.
+Well, it's showtime.
+Why, hello, Bart. Say, are those new shoes?
+Yes they are, Roy.
+Judge Snyder? While we're young?
+Oh, sorry.
+Oh my! Looks like you were the ringleader in this car theft. And that's a felony.
+Yes, sir.
+On the other hand, I was young once.
+I'll bring the car around.
+And I suppose boys will be...
+Oh. Oops. My vacation just started.
+All rise for the Honorable Judge Constance Harm.
+Silence in my courtroom.
+Grand theft auto?!
+It was an accident, ma'am.
+Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting.
+What'd she say about cupcakes?
+According to this, your father was driving you to school? Then where was he when you stole the police car?
+Uh, your Honor, I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Prize Patrol.
+You abandoned your son to win forty dollars?
+And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion.
+Coooool.
+And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble?
+Your Honor, if I may sing a little bit of "Don't Fear the Reaper", I think you'll agree that...
+I'm familiar with B.O.C. But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision.
+I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed baby-sitter or au pair.
+Sorry, Bub. That crow won't caw.
+It won't?
+I hereby order you to be tethered to your son.
+Tethered?!
+Tethered. Report to room five.
+Room five?!
+There we go. How's that?
+It's a little tight.
+Sir, you are not a size four.
+I used to be.
+Oh, this punishment is so cruel.
+And unusual.
+Can that judge do this to us?
+Mom, you cut the tether.
+Creative sentencing is common these days. That's why Bill Clinton is our new mailman.
+Dang magazines...
+Well, maybe it'll be fun. You'll get to spend more time together. Make sure your father takes his mood medication.
+I'll medicate you...
+...honey. You know, this could be fun. Race you to the kitchen, my little tether ball.
+You're on, Rope-a-dope!
+Today we're going to talk about predicates and predicate nominatives.
+Bo-ring.
+Mr. Simpson, I'm trying to teach.
+Come on, these kids are never gonna use that stuff.
+Will you please just go back to sleep?
+All right, now who can pick out the predicate in this sentence?
+What's wrong with him now, Bart?
+Night terrors, ma'am.
+Cobras!
+Okay, son. Concentrate... Shut out everything but the sound of my criticism.
+Run, Bart! Pump your thighs! Pump them...
+Hurry up, Dad!
+I'm with you, son!
+Wow, my first home run.
+That's my boy...
+C'mon, hug me...
+Cobras! Cobras!
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Ah! Ow! Ow! Owww! That really hurt.
+I thought I would hate working nights. But it's so peaceful. And there's no one here to squeal on me for shootin' mice.
+Can I ask you something, Dad?
+Sure, boy.
+The town keeps getting bigger. Will there always be enough electricity?
+Oh, son. You know that's none of your business. Say, is that our house?
+Uh, I don't think Lenny's house has a steeple.
+Oh, yeah... I forget things sometimes...
+Really. You like skateboards? We're sure learning a lot about each other.
+Yeah, this tether has some pluses.
+Ow, my head... Oh. I need a beer.
+I hit my head, Moe.
+One beer, comin' up.
+Hey, hey. No kids in the bar.
+Since when?
+Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here.
+All right, all right. Come on, Bart.
+I'm cold and scared.
+That's my little slugger.
+C'mon, Dad. Let's go.
+Hey, knock it off! These pants cost six hundred dollars!
+Really?
+Yeah, they're Italian.
+All right. Hand 'em over.
+Moe? What the?...
+Yeah, I rob now.
+There's a new judge in town with a hard-nosed approach to juvenile crime: punish the parents.
+It's about time. Oh.
+Kids are running wild, Kent. And I blame Mr. and Mrs. Neverspank.
+Uh-oh. We'll have to bleep their names.
+I can't take it anymore!
+You'll bleep nothing. Parents, it's time to take control. If you can't cope, you'll wear the rope.
+Well, you can tell she's never had kids. Look how high and firm her breasts are.
+Granted. But you gotta admit, constant supervision has been good for Bart. He might even make the honor roll, if Dad can control his night terrors.
+Well, that's a pretty big "if," honey.
+C'mon, Dad. I gotta go to the bathroom.
+Oh, I just got comfortable. Use the bottle.
+No! I don't want you going in a bottle. That's what hobos do.
+Come on, Homer.
+Homer, just take him to the bathroom.
+Fine. I don't even know why we have a bottle. Somebody tell me!
+Would you mind? I'm trying to do my homework.
+Ah, son, it's a little chilly. Maybe you should wrap a blanket around your head.
+Oh, Homie, no. We can't.
+What's the big deal? He sees a thousand times worse on that animal channel.
+I don't want him to see us expressing our love.
+Why not? Kids are very visual these days.
+The lady said no.
+Hey, shut up.
+You shut up.
+Ow! Why you--!
+What'd you do that for?
+Because I... Ow! You--!
+I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
+Why you little...
+She's such a butthole.
+We're free! Your mother set us free!
+Woo hoo!
+Don't celebrate too much.
+Who said that?
+That's right. It's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics.
+Heyyy, how 'bout that? Ha, ha.
+Quiet, Tubsy. You violated my order.
+But, Constance, it only happened because...
+Hey, hey. If I want a cock 'n' bull story, I'll read Hemingway.
+Don't be mad at Homer. I was the one who cut the rope.
+Are you threatening me with that knife?
+Wait. I'm to blame, Judge. You see, I was pressuring my wife to make love in front of our son... you're gonna laugh when you hear this... when suddenly...
+Well, I thought Dad was the problem, but apparently Mom is no prize pig herself.
+It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing Sweet Lady H.
+I'm a latchkey kid.
+You are not.
+Quiet, little girl.
+You two need to wake up and smell the java. And the first step is to admit that you're bad parents.
+I admit it.
+Homer, no! We're not bad parents.
+Yes, you are. Just say it.
+No, I won't. And frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully.
+You do, huh?
+You're so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people, you can't see how much I love my kids.
+Your Honor, I'd like to be tried separately.
+I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm, but we are not bad parents. And there isn't a tether in this world with enough fiber optics to make me say we are.
+Just, just let me get--
+Dammit!
+Oh, poor Mom and Dad.
+Do you think it's fair that you're always getting into trouble, yet Mom and Dad are being punished?
+No, it's terrible.
+Well, why don't you do something about it?
+After wrestling.
+Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't believe what I am seeing. Dr. Hombre just married Rumblina and they're already whaling at each other.
+When are you gonna start taking responsibility for your actions?
+'Cuz I felt like it.
+You're not even listening!
+I know you are, but what am I?
+Haven't we been humiliated enough?
+Not yet. No. Today the judge wants you to bend over so people can spank you from their cars.
+Well, that explains the sign.
+Yeah. Oo, here comes a car!
+Arrr, ya scurvy dogs!
+Worst parents ever.
+Haw haw.
+Hey, no extension cords!
+You know, we could get out of these stupid things if you'd just tell the judge you're a bad mother. And you don't even have to say "bad." It could be "negligent" or "unfit" or "drugged-up."
+I just can't do that, Homer. It's a matter of principle. And I need you to support me in this.
+You're right. It's time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge.
+But first we gotta break out of these stocks.
+Easy... easy...
+I want goggles, too.
+Shhh, you'll wake up Flanders...
+What the...?!
+Hey, Marge, surf's up!
+You're using my table saw to violate a court order?
+Well, we tried all those other tools.
+Gee, I always like to help you, Homer, but I don't want to be an accessory to some sort of shady doin's. And it does raise a whole host of ethical questions, such as...
+Woo hoo!
+Now, time for "Operation: Judge-Get-Back-At."
+If that costume shop knew we were using these burglar outfits for real, they'd be furious.
+Okay, she lives at one Ocean View Drive. Let's start skulking.
+It's only the milkman. Hey, maybe I should be a milkman.
+Concentrate, Homer.
+This address must be wrong.
+No. No, there it is!
+She lives in a houseboat? Wow, she is so cool.
+We hate her, Homer.
+I know, I know. Fight the power.
+Let's do this thing.
+Aw, ain't that sweet, Chief?
+Sure is, Lou. Those two longshoremen found love.
+Let's go.
+Look at her in there, washing her body...
+Get away from that window!
+And help me with this banner.
+I hate to call a judge dirty names, but there's only one way to describe a nasty super witch like her.
+Let's get out of here.
+Oh, it's just a friendly seal.
+Shh. No, we can't play now.
+Shut-uuuup...
+What is it, Pancho? Is someone out there?
+You can't hide from me.
+She's gonna find us!
+Oh Lord, guide this cinder block...
+Homer, no!
+My house!
+Hey, how ya doin'?
+That quilt was made by my grandmother.
+So... it cost you nothin'.
+Shut up. You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals. And I'm gonna lock you up till frogs do fractions.
+Your Honor! May I say something?
+Well, it is highly unorthodox... so no.
+Please, your Honor?
+Oh, I can't resist that look. You remind me of me, when I was a little boy.
+Your Honor, it's not easy being my parents. I'm always screwing up in school, and getting in trouble with the law. But if I grow up to be a halfway decent person, I know it'll be because of my Mom and Dad.
+Everyone else might give up on me, but my parents never will.
+That's my brother.
+Um, did she say she used to be a dude?
+So, your honor, if you're going to punish anyone in this courtroom today, I ask that you punish me.
+Okay I will.
+Bartholomew Simpson I hereby sentence you to five years in Juvenile Hall.
+Well, I'm back from vacation.
+But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official.
+Sorry, I've already put my clown down.
+But I was just going to...
+The clown is down.
+Judge Snyder? Motion to declare a writ of "boys will be boys."
+Motion granted. Case dismissed.
+Woo hoo!
+All right, we got lucky that time, but I want everyone in this family to raise your hand and promise not to break the law for one full year.
+We promise.
+That was close.
+Please drive off me...
+What's that noise?
+Just the radio, dear.
+What are you reading, Homie?
+The bridge column. Oh, that South. You never know what he'll do next. Hm... Aw. Look at that dad in "Drabble." He's like an unfunny version of me.
+Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew's getting flat.
+That's odd. He's outside, digging.
+Probably digging for drugs.
+There's no drugs out there.
+No. Of course not.
+It's not a school project. I'd've heard of it. I'd better go check it out.
+What are you doing?
+Diggin'.
+Make a hole.
+A hole for what?
+More diggin'.
+O-kay then.
+Don't worry, Marge. I'll find out what he's up to. Kids shouldn't have secrets.
+Oh hello, young man. Beautiful day for digging, isn't it?
+Yeah, uh, digging for anything in particular?
+Nuh-uh.
+So, I guess you wouldn't mind if I was to dig a hole of my own.
+Go for it.
+Maybe I will.
+What's stopping you?
+Very little.
+I'm having chest pains!
+Where's the defibrillator?
+This thing pays for itself.
+Bart, this is Dr. Kaufman. He's a special kind of "talking doctor."
+Call me Bob. Well, that's quite a hole you're digging.
+Thanks, Bob.
+You know, a hole's a great place to hide when people are fighting. Are there angry people in your house?
+My dad's always yelling that whitey's keepin' him down.
+I see...
+You keep digging like this, you're gonna go straight through to China.
+If it happens, it happens.
+Those inscrutable Americans. What are they up to now?
+I will stop them. I am strong. I am the Great Humongous.
+We all know you're the Great Humongous.
+Well, I'm just saying --
+Oh, you're always just saying!
+Homer, is this story goin' anywhere?
+Yes. Eventually, I became King of the Morlocks.
+But Morlocks are from the future.
+You callin' me a liar, Carl?
+Wait a minute, Homer. If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for?
+Yeah. How'd you know the Chinese were spyin' on ya?
+Oh, I just naturally assumed.
+Woo hoo!
+Up there.
+That is the stupidest story I ever heard, and I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series. Ha. I am sick of you drunks and your shaggy dog stories.
+Sorry, Shaggy.
+Oh, now I gotta go home to that. Thanks a lot.
+Ah, quitcher bellyaching, coffee boy. You're lucky I let ya in here.
+Geez Moe, you've been a real crank lately.
+You take that back.
+Now, ya see, that's what I'm talkin' about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us.
+And callin' us dumb-asses...
+Which we're so not.
+But, can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine. I serve you drinks, you yak on and on and on, and I never get one stinkin' tip.
+Maybe we'd tip you if you'd smile once in a while.
+What d'ya call this?
+Shesh, don't do that!
+Ah, who am I kiddin'? I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the ice pick. Ha, remember that?
+That was an amazing throw.
+Ahh! How did I lose my passion for the job? When I was in bartending school, I thought I had the world by the jigger.
+Hey, where'd that painting come from?
+Ah, I put this up recently, and it's a good thing I did, 'cause it really illustrates my point. Yep, good ol' Swigmore U.
+Gee, uh, when you talk about that school, your voice fills with, uh... what do you call it? Human feeling.
+Yeah, maybe you should, uh... what's the expression? Go back there.
+What's the word I'm searching for? Uh... yeah! A trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of gettin' people loaded.
+But who'll run the bar while you're gone?
+Ooh, ooh, pick me!
+Pick me, Lenny!
+Pick me! I'm an urban Lenny.
+Look, I don't wanna start A tinklin' contest here... or do I?
+Oh, don't look so proud, that was wind-assisted.
+... And if anybody wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell 'em to go to hell.
+Can do. Now don't you worry about a thing.
+Hey, what are you doin'? I gotta pay for that!
+No Moe. You've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you.
+All right, look, I-I gotta go.
+I thought you said you had to go.
+Ah, the old college gates.
+Aw, geez. The old college clock.
+Man, when's the last time Moe cleaned this?
+Hey, Homer! Another Duff!
+Hey Homer, do you mind if I bring in some outside food?
+Oh, I don't know. What would Moe say about that?
+But on the other hand, Moe's not here.
+Ah, Homer, you're the greatest.
+Sorry. Sorry.
+For what? A little splattered food never hurt anybody. Now everybody shut up and dance!
+Hey, what happened to the music?
+Don't worry. You gotta hit it just right. Like Fonzie.
+Oh! Whoa! Hemorrhage-amundo!
+Are you gonna be okay?
+Now. Can anyone tell me how much grenadine is in a Cosmopolitan?
+A Cosmopolitan is made with cranberry juice.
+Moe Syzslak, you old glass wipe.
+Yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name, Ollie.
+But, where are the bar stools?
+Ooo, Bart! My first prank call. What do I do?
+Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
+I don't get it.
+Yell out "I'll eat a booger."
+What's the gag?
+Oh, forget it.
+Professor, I'm um, I'm burned out on bartending. I, when I first saw the movie Ironweed, I thought, ya know "this is for me." But now, well, I'm not so sure.
+Nonsense. You were born to sling suds. The problem must lie elsewhere. Describe your tavern in one word.
+Uh, is crap-hole one word?
+Yes, if it's hyphenated.
+Then I'll stick with crap-hole.
+Well, no wonder you're depressed, working in that environment. If you want my advice, beautify your hole and you'll beautify your soul.
+Nice hole, nice soul, hmmm...
+Look at that pond. Why does the water sparkle so? I'm dying, Moe.
+Is... is there anything I can do?
+No, unless you have a cure for cancer. Do you have a cure for cancer? Because that would be great.
+I'm sorry, professor.
+Goodbye Moe.
+Bye, Professor.
+Hey, don't you wanna take your shoes off before you go swimming? Professor? Oh. Oh. Um. Mm.
+I'M A WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET, GONNA OPEN MOE'S BAR / I'M A SINGIN' WHAT I'M THINKIN' / HEY, LOOK AT THAT DOG.
+Teenage vandals smashing the bar! Moe's gonna kill me.
+Hey, Homer.
+You dirty teen.
+Hey, Homer stop, stop! It's me! Geez.
+Moe? Wrecking Moe's bar?
+Wow, well I I almost fainted, but then I didn't. What are you doing?
+My Professor said if I prettied up this dump, it would renew my zeal.
+And it would look pretty, too.
+And now, I want you to meet the guy who's gonna help bring Moe's into the twentieth century.
+I am Formico. The Dean of Design.
+Hi, Formico.
+Ah, ah, ah! My name must never be spoken.
+Sorry. He seems nice.
+It's not fair. Just when I was getting to be the world's greatest bartender, it's all snatched away.
+Freshen your drink, pal?
+Just leave the bottle.
+There you go, doll.
+Look, buddy, I don't care where you go, but you can't sleep here.
+Wow, check out the new Moe's.
+Wow, It looks like an alien headquarters. Couldn't you just see aliens runnin' out of there? Couldn't ya? Hey, wait up.
+Uh, looks like a long wait to get in.
+Not for friends of Moe's.
+Hoy. Hoy!
+Is your name on the list?
+Don't you know who I am?
+It's okay, Cecil. They're VIPs.
+Cecil is a girl's name.
+Welcome to "m"! Huh? So, what do you think of the new joint?
+This place looks like it's from the not-too-distant future.
+Yeah, ya like it, Homer?
+Um... the rabbits are cute.
+Eh, that one ain't movin'.
+Uh, change number seven.
+I don't get all this eyeball stuff. Uh, what are they supposed to represent, uh, eyeballs?
+It's Po-Mo! Post-modern. Yeah all right, weird for the sake of weird.
+Ain't it trippy?
+Ah, whatever. Just give me a Duff.
+We don't serve Duff no more. We got a Malaysian beer that's better than Duff... It's made outta soy sauce.
+Ah, whatever. Just give me a Duff.
+Hey, Formico! Uh, say hello to my beloved regulars.
+Oh, hello.
+Moe, would you like to meet some attractive young models?
+Models?! Ha. Oh boy!
+Okay, look cool.
+Wait a minute. You're all from Russia?
+And you really think I'm attractive, huh?
+What's so great about this oxygen bar?
+Hey, I think I'm gettin' the bends. Uh, Lenny, stand on my chest.
+I'm trapped!
+This is creative design run amok!
+That's it!
+I'm gonna tell Moe exactly what I think of his...
+After Chernobyl, my penis, is falling off.
+And "penis" is Russian for...
+Moe, we want our bar back.
+Yeah, this place is crazy.
+All these beautiful people make us feel like losers.
+Eh, you'd be having a great time if you'd stayed in your dark spot.
+Oh, so you're ashamed of us. Well, you've turned into a big phony.
+Hey, nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony.
+All of this yelling is taking away my horny.
+Is it? Oh, well that's it. That's-- Dagmar, Julian, throw this bum out.
+I'll throw myself out, thank you.
+I believe I had a hat.
+Suckers!
+Whatcha doin', Dad?
+I think it's pretty obvious. I'm turning our garage into a tavern. The kind Moe's used to be.
+This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe.
+It's not about spite. It's about petty revenge and getting back at that traitor Moe. Now help me nail up this urinal.
+Beautiful.
+Running a bar is a full-time job and you don't even do your full-time job.
+But when I'm passionate about something, I see it through to the end.
+Father, give me legs.
+Father.
+That is so interesting.
+So what you talkin' 'bout? Uh, somethin' interesting?
+I was just comparing Kurasawa's films to Herzog's.
+Uh-huh. Carry on.
+My diet lets me eat anything I want for one minute a day.
+My youth consultant gives me Botox injections in my head, neck and navel.
+Hiya, pal. So, uh, how about them current events?
+Oh, you got one of them cell phone, huh?
+Yeah, no, no cord at all... on those. Hey, game's on!
+Oh, sports! / Hey, where's the eyeball?! Come on!
+Unless you're being ironic, turn that off now!
+I'm glad you ain't around to see what a mess I made.
+Oh, but I am.
+You've discarded your loyal regulars for a mob of soulless snobs.
+Well, at least the tips are good.
+Are they, Moe? Take a look.
+Hey, why ya mockin' me? We're friends.
+Oh, right. Sorry.
+I WON'T DRINK AT MOE'S / HOMER'S OLD GARAGE IS ALL I NE-ED / I WON'T DRINK AT MOE'S...
+'CAUSE MOE'S A BIG JERK AND A SHE-MALE TOO!
+That calls for another beer.
+Barkeep!
+I thought this was gonna be your bar.
+It's the family bar. Right, kids?
+Can we go to bed now?
+As soon as you finish cutting up those lemons.
+But you're not even using them.
+She's so sleepy, she doesn't know what she's saying. Hee, hee.
+Awww...
+Who am I kidding? I ain't Moe St. Cool.
+How could I toss my friends out into the cold, with no place to get liquored up?
+Hey, what's going on?
+We're rockin' great!
+Leonard Bernstein...
+It's the end of the world as we know it...
+How'd you get REM to play in your garage?
+I told them it was a benefit. They think they're saving the rainforest.
+Suckers...
+Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires?
+C'mon, would a poor person have a bar in his garage?
+Hey, guys...
+Stand around me. I can't go with Lenny watching.
+Gotta pee, huh?
+Oh, forget it.
+What the-- You can't open your own bar!
+Seems to me I already did.
+But it's illegal! You can't run a bar in a private residence.
+Bar? I see no bar. This is a hunting club...Which is permitted by state law "to serve beverages of a refreshing nature."
+Hunting club?!
+You lied to us!
+Michael, no!
+That's not the REM way.
+You're right. Let's recycle those shards and get out of here.
+Ah, here we go. It also says, "a licensed hunting club must actively engage in the sport of hunting."
+Which I'll be doing tomorrow morning, smart guy.
+Hunting? Dad, no!
+Lemons...
+It's not fair, Dad. Why should an animal die just because you and Moe are fighting?
+It's the law. My hands are tied.
+Okay, cranberry sauce, stuffing, potatoes. Come on, turkey. Join your friends.
+Do you really think the turkey's just gonna climb onto the plate?
+I would.
+Psst. Lisa.
+Listen, I don't like you and you don't like me. But we both want to stop Homer from shootin' a turkey.
+You don't like me? I like you.
+You do? Then I like you, too. Here, have a towelette.
+Here, turkey, turkey... Turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey...
+Nobody's gonna kill you.
+All right, from now on, no talkin'. If you want to signal me, use this bird call:
+Oh! Oh! Not the face!
+Ooh! Ooh! Okay, the face!
+Oh, that actually feels good after the... after the crotch.
+All right turkey. Where are you? Turkeys, the only animal smarter than man.
+What the hell is that?
+A turkey!
+Dad's gonna slaughter that poor turkey!
+Not if I scare it away with this cougar call.
+You did it, Moe!
+A cougar! Die, cougar!
+My leg! Aww, geez!
+Got that cat right in the leg.
+Dad, you shot Moe!
+Oh, no! This time I really am gonna faint!
+Son of a...
+How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe?
+It's a snap when you use Certified Contractors.
+Like the ones found in your local Yellow Pages.
+Exactly.
+I'm sorry I shot you, Moe.
+Ah, that's okay. It's like my Dad always said, "Eventually everybody gets shot."
+Aw, I'm glad you two are friends again so we can all have Thanksgiving dinner together in this bar.
+Hey, who invited the hippies?
+I did. You owe REM an apology for, eco-fraud.
+All right, I'm sorry... but I will not save the rainforest.
+Good enough. Let's eat.
+And we should all be thankful to Michael, Peter and Mike for supplying this beautiful turkey, made entirely of tofu.
+Tofu and gluten!
+I'm thankful I ate before I came.
+Oh, come on, Bart. Smell those curds! Mmmmm, curds.
+And I'm thankful I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, these alternative rockers, and my favorite bartender.
+Ah, here you go, pal.
+And here you go.
+I love Chinatown... although I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town.
+Ooh... It must be Chinese New Year.
+Ah, people buy 'em when they're smaller and cute, then they flush 'em down the toilet.
+Uh, yeah. I'll have the shark butt with butt sauce.
+Oh, excellent choice, sir.
+You're hired.
+How is the Feast of Twelve Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce?
+Very disappointing.
+Then I'll have the sweet 'n' sour rice.
+Oh, very good. Would you like that with the fragrant bee bellies? Or the cat noses?
+Neither, thank you.
+Is there any way we can enhance your dining experience by hurting an animal?
+Fortune cookie.
+Ah. And now to read my fortune. "Geese can be troublesome." What the hell is that supposed to mean?
+Oh... Fortune means: Geese cause problems.
+Well, I knew that before I came in here. A guy outside told me that.
+Every house has a bathroom.
+Oh, these fortunes are terrible.
+Is there a problem?
+These fortunes are terrible. They're supposed to predict stuff, and ease you through times of doubt and sickness.
+Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortunes?
+You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.
+That's not bad. Come with me.
+Horrible.
+Ah, what am I doing here? I should be in New York writing riddles on Popsicle sticks. Then I'd be making a difference.
+Oh, they ruined my best fortune. I wrote "Let a frown be your umbrella." They changed it to "Smile". A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile. Try it.
+This gentleman here can write better fortunes than all of you put together.
+Show them.
+Okay, let's see... "The price of stamps will climb ever higher."
+He is like a young me.
+Please, Yung Mee was a hack compared to this guy.
+Let's see. "You will invent a humorous toilet lid." "You will find true love on Flag Day." "Your store is being robbed, Apu." Are you getting all this, Lisa?
+I don't know.
+"You are a real winner". That fortune really nailed me... and my winning ways.
+"You will take a short sea voyage." Yarr. I'll enjoy that.
+Fourteen dollars and ten, eleven, twelve cents. There you go.
+You know sir, tipping is customary.
+Ooh, me sorry, me no speaky Chiny.
+Oh, General Gao... you were a bloodthirsty foe, but your chicken is delectable.
+Hm, this cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside.
+Nice job, sir.
+That was my thumb.
+Oh, there seems to be some sort of communiqué.
+It's your fortune, sir.
+Capital! "You will find true love on Flag Day." Why it's Flag Day today! True love at last.
+Well, it's just you and me here, sir...
+No time for jokes, Smithers! Come along. We're going womanizing.
+Oh goody.
+...So I foreclosed on her mortgage and took her cats!
+Oh Monty, it's such a delight to talk to you. I've gone five minutes without saying "Well, I never!"
+Excellent. Let me fetch you another Thomas Collins.
+Damn that Pennybags. Between him and Scrooge McDuck, all the best ankle is taken.
+Perhaps there's some girls in here.
+Yes! It's going great!
+So, what are you into?
+Great heavens! It's one of those nude female fire stations. Ohh, I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree. Let's go, Smithers. Smithers?
+Oh, that fortune promised me true love. This has been the worst Flag Day ever.
+That constable is ticketing my car!
+I told you we should have parked next to the curb.
+Now see here, flatfoot...
+My goodness. You're beautiful.
+Oh, thanks, but I still gotta give you the ticket.
+Of course you do. You can lift my wiper any day.
+Is it still Flag Day?
+For twelve more seconds, sir.
+Miss, would you submit to a wooing by a gentleman caller?
+Oh, I'm sorry, but you're not really my...
+Well, okay...
+Oh, frabjous day! She said "yes"!
+He'll pick you up at seven. Wear a petticoat.
+Petticoat?
+Here's a place that rents 'em.
+It's about time Mr. Burns found a woman. I can't stand to see a man single.
+Some people enjoy being alone, Mom.
+No! Everyone should be paired up.
+It wasn't meant to be.
+I've gotta be honest, Monty. I've never dated anyone who knew Calvin Coolidge.
+Well, I've never dated anyone with their original hair and teeth.
+You're a nice guy, Monty. You're always laughing and tenting your fingers. I like that.
+Excellent.
+And you're so upbeat. You think everything's excellent.
+I really feel safe with you. It's like going out with my brother.
+In... to?
+Yeah, like what's a fun day for a hundred and four year old?
+Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends. Like, uh, mm...piloting motorcoaches... and, uh...
+Collecting dog waste.
+So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or if you'd rather stay home, you could sing while I accompany you on the clavichord.
+Actually, Monty --
+Oh, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean war.
+Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too--
+Oh, balderdash! It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humors.
+I'm sorry, Monty...
+Stop that dog! It has my gum!
+Look, there's one of my young chums now. You there!
+Yes, Mr. Burns.
+Tell my young sweetheart here of our youthful exploits.
+Ummm...
+Play along, Chubsy. There's a pie in it for you.
+Oh! Yeah. Monty's a wild man! Yeah!
+Oh. He ran his own casino, stole the Loch Ness Monster, got shot by a baby, and blotted out the sun.
+Wow! That was you?
+So, shall I pick you up at eight?
+Well...
+C'mon, he's a total player.
+Okay, stop kicking my door.
+Well done, young man. Your youthful trendiness will come in handy throughout the courting process. Because these days...
+Where did you get that pie?
+Windowsill.
+New underpants? Homer, what are you up to?
+Burns wants me to come along on his date, to show him where hip young people go.
+Well, don't look too hip. You don't want that girl falling for you.
+You're right.
+These would stop Joan Collins herself.
+Drat! I wish that song were longer.
+I've gotta admit, you can really shake it.
+Oh, yes. That's totally voluntary.
+So, you guys come here all the time?
+D-- Oh, uh, constantly. When we're not being kicked out for our rowdy, youthful behavior! Eh, pally?
+Yep, no one's rowdier and more youthful than old man Burns.
+You mean young man Burns.
+Put my hand on her knee.
+Yes, Mr. Burns.
+I said her. And I said knee.
+Oh, sorry.
+I'm going to make such love to you that, oh, you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino. Turn left here.
+No problem.
+All right, you're dismissed. I'll take it from here.
+But Mr. Burns, you're exhausted.
+Yes, but I have a little secret. I've obtained a rare, powerful aphrodisiac.
+It was made from the pockets of the pocket fox, an animal that only existed for three weeks in the sixteenth century.
+Oooh! See you tomorrow night, Simpson.
+That was amazing. I hope the kids didn't hear us.
+Ah, Burns looks happy today.
+Heh. Watch me, uh, take advantage of his good mood.
+Uh, Mr. Burns, uh, can I have a raise?
+Clean out your desk. You're gone.
+Well, I had a good run.
+Ooh. Once again, my dear, you've beaten two strapping young bucks.
+Excellent.
+Did you hear that? That "excellent" was... excellent.
+Can I have some ice cream? I finished my pizza.
+In time, in time. I need to speak with you in private.
+Back in a moment, my dear. We have to, uh... uh... expel some urine.
+You're going to ask her to marry you?!
+Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels in love.
+Are you sure you wanna do this so fast?
+Yes, my biological clock is ticking. I could be dead again soon.
+Wait, my dear. I think you'll find that red ball more "engaging."
+Monty! It's beautiful.
+Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
+Gloria, say you'll marry me.
+Oh Montgomery, of course I'll marry you.
+Oh, spectacular! Now we must celebrate -- I'll get some Champagne-iola.
+This is the happiest day of my life. Nothing could spoil it. Absolutely nothing.
+Dum-dee-dum-dum-dum. Okay. Gun, check. Dollar-sign bag, check. Powerbar, check. All right, let's rob this...
+Bowling alley? Okay, whatever.
+All right. Totally st-- Gloria?!
+Snake! I thought you were in prison.
+I was. I told the guard that I was going out for a pack of cigarettes. Then I totally stabbed him.
+You're looking good, baby. Why did we ever break up?
+You pushed me out of a moving car.
+Devil beard?
+The cops were chasing us. I needed to lighten the load. And um protect you. C'mon, baby. We can talk more at my hideout.
+No! I'm engaged now!
+My ring!
+Let go of her or I'll scream!
+Kaloo-kalei! We're in luck! They had a magnum at the shoe counter. Now for... Gloria?
+Her ring!
+Well she's run off... with Simpson!
+Well, this is my house. Ah--
+Ohh... Geez, I just wanted to escape.
+Gloria, you better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage.
+He's not my boyfriend, Mr. Burns is. Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom.
+You're dating that old trilobite? Gross!
+We're in love, Snake.
+Don't say that, baby. I'm gonna win you back if I have to pistol whip this guy all night.
+Pistol whip?!
+Mmm... pistol whip.
+Local authorities are confident the killer bees are just curious and won't bother us if we don't bother them. On a serious note, two local residents have been missing for the last twenty minutes. We take you now live to Barney's Bowlarama, and the last man who saw them, C. Montgomery Burns.
+I don't understand. She was my young, sexy fiancée, he was my sexually virile best friend, and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa. How could this ever have happened?
+Well, according to our Audience Insta-poll, forty-six percent say "You're Too Old", and thirty-seven percent say "She's A Skank".
+Almost there.
+Wow, who do you have to kill to get a place like this?
+I think his name was Gustafson.
+You know, a little goatee thing.
+Let me guess. Now you're going to start working him over with the brass knuckles. You Are so predictable.
+You know what would be surprising? A foot massage.
+Shut up!
+Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't gonna impress me
+It used to. What if I beat him harder?
+Wow, you don't get it.
+Um, has the ship sailed on my foot massage suggestion?
+Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We'll track down Simpson with your vehicle's anti-theft system.
+Car gone! Car gone!
+We know that. W-Where has it gone to?
+Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!
+Uh, Chief, this yokel says he saw Simpson driving out near Hickton.
+Yuh-huh. My peepers don't lie.
+That's nice work, Lou. Lock 'im up.
+Hey, hey I want that lawyer what wears a cowboy hat.
+Release the girl, Simpson.
+I think I can take him out, Chief.
+O-oh, that's a sweet shot. He's tied to a chair.
+That means Dad's not a kidnapper. He's a hostage.
+Get off my lawn, coppers! Or I'll totally turn the sprinklers on.
+Come on, Snake. You don't wanna soak all these people.
+We're in minute two of this standoff. What's the situation, Chief?
+Well, we have an officer sneaking around the house, Kent. So, ah, unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking...
+Ow! Ow! Ow!
+Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it?
+I swear I can change, Gloria. I'm taking classes in computer fraud.
+That's what you said about the telemarketing scams, but you didn't stick with it.
+I don't like bothering people at home.
+Good fire. Good fire. Keep burning. Almost there.
+Just a little more.
+My Gloria is still inside! Save her!
+Ah, it's too dangerous! Ah-- But I got a sister you might like. She's completely hairless, like those cats.
+I don't care if she's Miss Hairless America... I'm spoken for. Now step aside -- I'll save Gloria myself.
+Y-- You? Ah, no offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton.
+Perhaps, but this monkey skeleton is in love.
+Who am I kidding? I'm just a feeble old man.
+Gloria!
+He did it! He saved her!
+Well, the important thing is, they're both safe.
+I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say "Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot."
+Wow, Mr. Burns, how did you do that?
+Never forget, Homer, there's no muscle stronger than the human heart.
+What about the wiener? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his.
+Oh, Monty, you saved me. And to think, I was once in love with that dirty low-life...
+With his arrogant smirk, gutter mouth, tough-guy attitude, macho tattoos, hair that can't be tamed, prison-sculpted body...
+I'm sorry, Monty.
+Oh Snake, don't ever change.
+I don't get it, Simpson. I'm a bad boy.
+Oh, I know.
+I'm absolutely evil!
+You're preachin' to the choir, man.
+What do I have to do? Grow a devil beard?
+You mean a Van Dyke?
+No, a Van Dyke has a mustache, doesn't it?
+I think it can.
+Are you talking about a soul patch?
+No! Wait, maybe.
+Putting away groceries -- it's like unwrapping presents from yourself. Fruit roll-ups for Bart... beer roll-ups for Homer...
+Burly?! I bought the wrong brand, Maggie!
+I'll just take them right back to the store and-- Whoa.
+Look at those massive plaid shoulders.
+Look at that absorbativity! I've gotta tell someone...
+I came home as quick as I could. What's going on?
+Watch what happens when I spill this blue liquid.
+You pulled me out of school for this?!
+Absolutely. You're about to get a lesson... in value!
+And Burly's still got soaking power. Spill something else.
+Mom, I believe you.
+Spill it...
+Ooo, Burly, you're insatiable.
+Burly. You're so rugged and manly...
+Marge, a bee almost stung me today. I felt the wind go right by my ear.
+Oh, it's okay, Homie. The bee's all gone.
+Fantasize, Marge. Fantasize about Burly.
+Ooo, that's quite a hug, honey...
+Hey, you're looking at that spokes-jack! Well I can fantasize too.
+Ooo, Mama Celeste.
+You touch-a me and I cut you.
+Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford -- it ain't gonna happen.
+"Dear Burly, comma, I've never written to a registered trademark before. Are you a real person, or just a composite, question mark? In either case, I would love a signed photo. Sincerely, Marge Simpson."
+"Love"? "Signed photo"?! Marge hasn't asked me for a signed photo in months! Well I'll show her!
+We have a person-to-person call for Marge Simpson.
+Person-to-person?!
+Hello. This is Chad Sexington, the model for Burly Paper Towels.
+How did you get my number?
+I don't know. But I was quite moved by your letter. I'd love to meet you and your family. Shall we say dinner?
+Oh, my goodness...
+Perfect. I'll be there at seven.
+Oh my God! Dinner with Burly!
+Playing a prankeroo, eh?
+I was having a private conversation with my wife, in the guise of Chad Sexington. Do you mind?
+So, how was your day? Did anything unbelievable happen? Phone calls, things of that nature?
+You're not going to believe it. That paper towel lumberjack is coming here! For dinner! Tonight!
+Tonight? Well, you better get your hopes up.
+I will!
+That's him.
+Oh my God!
+Why look, it's Chad Sexington!
+Hey, Baby! I'm that guy you like!
+Barney? W-w-where's Chad--
+Congratulations, I feel ridiculous.
+You mean, I was just a prop in some cruel joke?
+Now you've done it. You really humiliated Mom.
+It was hard on me, too. I had to wear a suit. Oh, you're right. I've gotta make it up to her.
+I suggest dinner and a show.
+How about Benihana, where dinner is the show?
+No, huh?
+I guess it was a pretty funny prank. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.
+Yeah, nothing is hurt except feelings.
+Okay, you've seen our next performer on Mike Douglas, Merv Griffin, and Art Linkletter's "House Party". Please welcome Mesmerino, The Hip Hypnotist!
+Thank you. Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.
+Let's see, who do we have here?
+Well, what's the matter with you, champ? You couldn't find a date?
+I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed and whatnot.
+Well, why did you come here, seriously though? When I snap my fingers, my friend, you will be a make-out artist...
+Glayvin! That's a powerful... Hold it 'cause it's different. I--
+Hey, cupcake, listen good. I want you to swallow that gum and meet me in the coatroom in five, four, three, two, now.
+Whatever you say, Professor.
+Annnd, back you go.
+Ooh! The-- Hey! No, no. Don't make me... I don't wanna go back to the nothin'. I don't... Oh dear, I've re-dork-ulated!
+Hey, smart move, four-eyes. Sittin' next to Skeletor here makes you look like Hercules.
+Zing! What's a Skeletor?
+No, no, I kid. But seriously, it's very nice to see a young man take his father out for a night of hypnotism... before he dies.
+Actually, my father died a long time ago.
+Is anyone here not a downer? Anyone?
+Do me! Do me!
+I am in your power. Boss me around.
+When I snap my fingers, you will transform into... a... famous historian.
+Look at me, I'm a famous historian! Out of my way!
+Thank you. Now you are... Emily Dickinson.
+Look at me, I'm Angie Dickinson! Out of my way!
+Now, you are a young boy... ah, yourself, at twelve years old...
+I'm twelve years old... I'm with my friends. It's a beautiful summer day at the old swimming hole... Oh my God!
+Do something, Mesmerino!
+Ah, yes, yes. Um...
+Oh, that's better...
+Dad, what's wrong?
+We'd better get him home.
+Here you go.
+Hmmm. And, Bart is set for the week.
+Oh, no...
+Sorry, Mrs. S. He was kinda disruptin' things at work.
+Yeah, he ruined naptime and quiet time.
+Oh, Homey, you poor thing.
+Whoa, cool, he's still mental!
+Yeah, my hunch is he's struggling with some sort of repressed memory.
+How do we un-repress it?
+Well, the Yaqui Indians brew a special tea that unlocks memories.
+It would be a good excuse to use my Yaqui tea set...
+Well, is anything coming back to you?
+Huh?... There have been so many classic Simpson moments. I remember that time I tried to jump over Springfield gorge...
+No Dad, everyone's sick of that memory!
+Try to remember back when you were twelve. Something frightening must have happened.
+Hm, twelve... Well, I remember I used to go hiking a lot with these two guys. With these two guys.
+It was one of those lazy summer days you thought would last forever. And to kill the boredom, we sang.
+Hey, I thought we were called "Lenny and the Jets"!
+BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM...
+BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM...
+MR. SANDMAN, BRING ME A DREAM...
+MAKE HIM THE CUTEST THAT I'VE EVER SEEN...
+GIVE HIM THE LONELY HEART LIKE...
+Check it out, Fat Tony. Those jokers think they're the Cowsills.
+...AND LOTS OF WAVY HAIR LIKE LIBERACE.
+You guys have blundered into our secret tobacky patch.
+Wow. Is that wacky tobacky?
+The wackiest.
+Let's punch and kick them!
+Not so fast.
+Uh-oh, he's got a daisy!
+We better scram. Eighteen more pumps, that could break the skin.
+And that's how a troubled young Moe saved the day.
+Moe, what are you doin' here?
+What am I-- My bar is empty, is what. Why ain't you guys there?
+We're trying to uncover a hidden trauma in my Dad's childhood.
+What? You mean that time he wigged out? Well, uh, gimme some of that Indian memory tea, there and I'll tell you all about it.
+Mmm, that's good Yaqui... Okay, that night we camped out under the stars...
+Ah, look at all them stars. Buncha lazy lights. Don't do nothin' for nobody.
+Hey you know what I'm lookin' forward to? The future. Have you heard about this internet thing?
+Internet.
+Yes, the inner netting they invented to line swim trunks. It provides a comforting snugness.
+Hey, what was that?
+That's that nuclear plant they just opened.
+Yeah that's your future -- bustin' atoms. Can you imagine us workin' there, the whole Carl Crew?
+Ah, you're both wrong. We're the Moe Syszlak experience, featuring Homer.
+Ah, I like the sound of that.
+Friends forever.
+Ow! / Ow, that hurts! / Man we're stupid. / I hate you guys.
+The next morning, we went out to the old quarry to have a swim...
+You guys really gonna dive offa here?
+Not me. I'm shakin' like a French soldier.
+Yeah. I think I just logged onto my internet.
+Only a moron would jump into that--
+And there's your whatchamacall repressed trauma. I mean, who likes getting muddy? It's terrible. Okay, let's go to Moe's now.
+Wait a minute. I remember falling in the mud, but I don't think that's why I've been screaming...
+Fine. Crap all over my theory.
+Something else happened in that quarry... something... else...
+Hey come on...
+Come on Homer, we're going to Sears to feel the bras.
+You found a corpse when you were twelve? No wonder you've been so traumatized.
+It's responsible for everything wrong in my life -- my occasional overeating, my fear of corpses...
+What I wanna know is, what the heck was that body doin' there?
+Maybe there's murder afoot!
+Murder most foul?
+You know, if Dad never told anyone, that body must still be out there.
+This sounds like a case that only the Simpson family can solve.
+Oh. Okay. Well, we'll just be going, then.
+Oh, hey, you guys can come with us.
+No, no, no. He said Simpson family. I mean, you know, it sounded exciting, but, uh... you know, we, we don't wanna intrude...
+Thanks for understanding.
+Oh... Oh, okay. Well, uh, I'll see ya.
+Bye, Moe.
+Yep, the old quarry is just a stone's throw away.
+Stop saying that, Dad.
+Hey, there's Mesmerino.
+Seventeen seventy-six. How much is left in my checking account?
+This is it. This is the old quarry.
+Maybe we should come back in the daytime.
+Someone's yellow belly is showing.
+Oh, sorry.
+Aw, geez. Right in the eyes.
+Chief Wiggum!
+Who's there? How do you... How do you know my name?!
+It's us, the Simpsons.
+Oh. I saw your car by the gate and I, well I thought you might be lost hikers. 'Cause then I could rescue you, and-and be a hero, and-and maybe the city would give me a coupon for free guitar lessons ha.
+So what are you doin' here?
+We're investigating a possible murder case.
+Oh, you mind if I tag along? I'm kind of a crime buff.
+If there's a body in here, we'll drag it up.
+Ah heck, it's just an old shopping cart.
+And it's empty. Put it back! I don't wanna see it this way.
+Let's wait in the car.
+We'll never find the body under all this water.
+Water, eh?
+Burly to the rescue!
+Oh, that is so cool.
+Hey, what's that over there?
+Aw, don't get excited. It's just a skull-shaped rock and a buncha white sticks.
+It's the body!
+And someone has eaten the flesh.
+But whose body is it?
+And who sent it down that pipe?
+Now do you believe dead rats float, Lisa?
+Well, looks like the end of the line.
+That means our murderer could be on the other side of this hatch.
+What are you doing in my corpse-hatch?
+Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
+Did I say corpse-hatch? I meant innocence tube.
+Then how do you explain this?
+I've been expecting this day for thirty years. In a way, it's a relief. But in another way, it's most unwelcome.
+All right, quit stallin', Burns. Who'd you ice?
+I'm afraid that skull belongs to my dear friend... Waylon Smithers, Sr.
+Mr. Smithers' father!
+But I did not murder him.
+And I can prove it...
+With this film.
+Ooh, a movie! I call the couch!
+If you see only one film this year that proves my innocence, make it this one.
+Why are these numbers so high? Why is that red light flashing?
+Who cares?
+And what's that alarming sound? Smithers, get in here! Smithers!
+Sorry, Monty. I was feeding Waylon Jr.
+Will you put that baby down? There's something wrong with the reactor core.
+I better go in and have a look.
+No, Waylon Senior! It could be filled with atoms and steam and other nuclear bric-a-brac.
+If this reactor blows, the whole town is doomed, including my son.
+So... you're a baby huh? How's that working out for you?
+He did it!
+Look at your heroic daddy in there.
+Making funny faces. Falling to the floor. Shedding his hair. Lying perfectly still...
+Oh dear.
+Smithers Sr. gave his life to save the plant. And, since cover-ups were all the rage back then, I shoved his heroic corpse down the sewer pipe. I never told Smithers the truth about his father.
+Until tonight, sir.
+Smithers Jr.!
+Ha, busted!
+Now the movie's turned into a play! Still good, though.
+I'm sorry I lied to you, Waylon, but I wanted to spare you the details of your father's gruesome death.
+Well, I'm glad to know he died a hero, instead of that other way.
+I told him his father was killed in the Amazon by a tribe of savage women.
+I hope it didn't affect you in any way.
+We'll never know, sir.
+Well Marge, we solved the case of the haunted quarry.
+Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Mr. Smithers?
+Why? He'd just bury it.
+Lisa, don't sulk. You're on the Jumbotron.
+Hey, hey, I found a clue that's gonna bust your mystery wide open!
+Sorry, we already solved it.
+Oh. Well, you wanna take a look at it anyways, uh just for ha-has?
+Seems kinda pointless now.
+Yeah I guess you're right. It's just that I, you know, went to a lot of trouble, you know makin' the envelope and everything...
+Let's see what you have, Moe.
+Okay, now this first thing is just gonna look like a used Band Aid. And it is. But the rest of this stuff won't make no sense without it. So uh, bear with me.
+Wow Moe, you've been doing a lot of sleuthing.
+Oh yeah, oh yeah, I sleuthed my ass off on this one.
+Okay, this is a number six from somebody's address. Or is it a nine? You don't know. Uh, this is gravel. Okay? Gravel. This is uh, that's more gravel. Okay, oh. This is a shell, that to me -- this is just me talkin', it looks like a helmet for a mouse... Now, that sounds crazy, right. But if you ask a mice about it, they don't say nothin'. I mean they run the other way. At first I was just fishin' with the helmet thing. But then from the mouse's reaction I got, I got a little more concerned.
+Did you really make that envelope? 'Cause it says Hammermill over here.
+Ummm, no.
+We now return to "The Planet from Outer Space."
+Captain, we've been attacked by some sort of force ray. Space air is flooding in!
+Right. Goggles on!
+Good Lord! We're on a collision course with a monster -- from space!
+That's just a dog in a space suit.
+From the looks of it, a male dog.
+We'll return to our film after these very loud messages.
+Hi, I'm Colonel Chet Manners, five-time space shuttle alternate.
+Lo-ser.
+/ Adorable.
+Do you want to boldly go where people like me, but not me, have gone before? Then get the Orbit King -- with yaw control like you've never seen!
+Hey Lis, is Dad's credit card number 5784365343410709?
+You know it is.
+WHEN YOU HAVE A RIB-EYE STEAK / YOU MUST FLOSS IT / OH, THAT MEATLOAF TASTED GREAT / YOU MUST FLOSS IT / NOW FLOSS IT, FLOSS IT GOOD.
+Hey Dad, will you help me build this model rocket?
+Just a second, son. I've gotta put on my contacts.
+I didn't know your dad was so interested in science.
+Science!?
+Uh, he didn't say science... he said "pie pants."
+Mmmm, pie pants.
+This is Launch Master Homer, counting down. Five, four, three...
+Two... one...
+My eyebrows. My beautiful eyebrows!
+Over here, Guv'nor.
+The word "unblowupable" is thrown around a lot these days, but I think I can say with confidence...
+Okay, that shows you what could potentially happen.
+What was that?
+Greetings from Nedily Space Center on Cape Flandaveral. We noticed your sky-ro-technics and thought we'd join in. Ooh, looks like a perfect landing!
+Wow, did you see that yaw control?
+I have eyes, don't I?
+I would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out.
+Well, then, could you stop calling us nerds?
+Dweeb, wonk, spaz... it's all good.
+Who wants some Astro-lemonade?
+What precisely makes it Astro?
+Look, I don't want to start a whole thing with this.
+Okay, the rocket's ready to go.
+Super. Now if you'll gather around, I'd like to say a few words. All nerds clear the launch area.
+Now all we need is our astronaut. Bart, where's America's newest hero?
+He's saying goodbye to his wife.
+Oh, he's leaving her with five babies.
+She already ate three.
+Oh, that's sensible.
+Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity and punch the face of God.
+Five, four, three, two, one... COUNTDOWN!
+Wow, that's it. I'm off the hooch.
+Hey! Wine!
+Dad, the rocket's off course!
+Okay Nibbles, you can guide her down. Step one: Right in front of you is a blue handle. Pull for a controlled burn of two point four seconds...
+Now it's headed for the church.
+Don't worry, I planned for this.
+This is the worst thing you've ever done.
+You say that so much it's lost all meaning.
+I have convened the Church Council to see what we should do now.
+Fixing all that damage is gonna be very expensive.
+Yes, barring some sort of miracle...
+All right, we'll help ourselves, yet again. People, we need some fund-raising ideas.
+Let's just write to David Bowie again.
+Oh, he's done enough for this church. Anyone else?
+I've got the answer. Just let me run this church like a business.
+It's kind of you to offer, Mr. Burns, but buzz around town is that you're, well, evil.
+Well, at least it's tasteful.
+Oh, that's just a skip-rope rhyme. Believe me, the Lord's gonna go for this in a big way. Now, who's with me?
+Oh, I guess we have no choice.
+Excellent.
+Oh, you'll get yours.
+This is Lindsay Naegle. And don't let the skirt fool you -- she'll have this place making money in no time.
+Isn't that skirt a little north of the knee.
+You're telling me!
+I guarantee I can find some new revenue streams. Step one: let's sell some ad space. Reverend, how would you feel about wearing this robe?
+Hmmm. Conflicted.
+Too bad. You've already signed the deal!
+Actually, he hasn't.
+Oh. Well, we highly value your input. Until you sign the deal!
+Let me handle this, Monty.
+Good idea. I'll be hiding behind that tree.
+What are they doing to the church?
+We're re-branding it. The old church was skewing pious. We prefer a faith-based emporium teeming with impulse-buy items.
+I feel like I want to throw up.
+Then my work is done.
+Why does Jesus have a lasso?
+'Cause he's all man.
+Money changed! Get your money changed, right here in the temple!
+That could not be more blasphemous.
+Where's Bart?
+Do a nice one for Grandma.
+These new pews are so comfy.
+I am not gonna be taken in by all of this.
+And Lord, please remember our infirm parishioners, especially Mrs. Glick, who's recovering from hip surgery. And now let us rise and, um, um...
+He's not gonna say it.
+Trust me, he'll say it, or I'll bust him down to Thursday night vespers.
+...and thank Crazy Larry, whose Big-Screen TV prices are insane-ane-ane! And now to deliver a special sermon on the sanctity of deliciousness... the Noid!
+That's it!
+Quiet, Lisa. Everyone in the store is looking at you!
+They should take a good look at themselves, and what their church has become!
+Lisa, it's still the same basic message. We've just dressed it up a little.
+Like the whore of Babylon?
+That is a false analogy.
+No it's not, it's apt! Apt!
+Don't you see what Mr. Burns has done to this church?
+He restored it from nave to narthex.
+He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believers.
+He put ice in the urinals.
+Those are all wonderful things. But they've cost the church its soul. And I, for one, will not be a part of it!
+Do you want your hand stamped so you can come back in?
+No! I'm leaving this church forever!
+Oh no...
+I don't know how to feel.
+You should be very upset.
+Got it.
+How was that?
+A little much.
+Lord, I'm not turning my back on You. I just need to find a temple that's free of corruption.
+Why do you have to be so different? Always making a big deal out of everything.
+Mom, I know it's you.
+I can't believe you're eavesdropping on my prayers!
+Oh honey, I'm worried about your soul. I want at least one person from this family to go to Heaven.
+I still believe in God. I just think there's another path to Him, or Her.
+Her?! She's just kidding, Mr. Lord.
+Still lookin' for a new faith?
+Hey, how 'bout one of those religions where you eat a human heart?
+How 'bout Methodist?
+No! Look, I'm not just gonna pick a religion that seems cool. I'm gonna pick one that's right for me.
+How 'bout Judaism? When you turn thirteen, cha-ching.
+I'm going out for a walk.
+Lenny and Carl?
+You guys are Buddhists?
+Oh yeah, if I didn't have inner peace, I'd completely go psycho on all you guys all the time.
+Well, I'm looking for a new faith. One that isn't so materialistic.
+Well, you've come to the right place.
+Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire.
+Richard Gere?
+Ooh, the world's most famous Buddhist.
+What about the Dalai Lama?
+You know, the fourteenth reincarnation of the Buddha Avalokitesvara.
+Who's Buddha?
+Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
+It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire. 'Cause I've got the desire to kick your ass.
+Mr. Gere, I was hoping Buddhism could bring me inner peace. Or is that just a pipe dream?
+We all have dreams. Mine is of a free Tibet.
+That would be so great.
+I dream about meatball sandwiches. All you can eat for two bucks.
+Good luck. This pamphlet contains the teachings of the Buddha -- all things are impermanent and are empty of inherent existence.
+Hey Richard, in "An Officer and A Gentleman" did you really do all those sit-ups?
+I wish. I did one, then they just showed it a thousand times.
+"Nirvana is achieved through right views and right speech... Positive actions lead to happiness and negative actions lead to unhappiness... No creator gods, just the pursuit of enlightenment..."
+I'm a Buddhist!
+Hey, I'm a Buddhist!
+My Satan sense is tingling! Into the root cellar, boys!
+When can we come out?
+Maybe never.
+So, you think you know better than this family, huh. Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon!
+Yes, father.
+Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over...
+Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy.
+But Dad, my heart hurts.
+I'm a Buddhist.
+Wha?! That's it. No more chat rooms for you.
+You know, Lisa, around here, Buddhists don't get any desserts in their lunches.
+A Buddhist wouldn't want any.
+Me so litigious.
+I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of "crazy" ideas about love and brotherhood.
+His name's Gunnar and he's datin' my Mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.
+I thought Kearney was dating your Mom.
+Hey, she came on to me.
+Get him!
+Hey Lisa, what are you doing?
+I'm planting my own Bodhi tree. If I meditate under it, perhaps I can find inner peace.
+Honey, is this about some boy at school who doesn't like you?
+Good. I'm just saying that any boy who doesn't like you is not worth your time.
+Om Mani Padme Hung. Om Mani Padme Hung. Om Mani Padme Hung.
+You're gonna get a bath tonight.
+So the good news is, church revenues are up one thousand and seventy-three percent.
+And when will the church see any of this money?
+When hell freezes over, suckers!
+Oh whatever, just take it.
+Well, next on our agenda, Marge Simpson's devil daughter.
+She's not a devil. I just don't know what to do.
+Well, Christmas is coming, huh?
+Yeah, and Santa doesn't leave presents under the Bodhi tree.
+You think we can bribe her back with Christmas?
+Marge, you can save more souls with roller skates and Easy Bake Ovens than with this two thousand page sleeping pill.
+Time to begin Operation Xmas-Remind of-How good is.
+Just do it. Do it. Do it now!
+I think this tree could use an angel.
+It's go time.
+I was just making Christmas cookies. But since you don't believe in Christmas anymore, I guess you don't want any.
+Well, they do smell good...
+Hm. It's a pity.
+All right! Trash cookies!
+Uh-oh. I think I ate a dog food lid.
+Here she comes! And-a one and-a two and-a...
+WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS / WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS / WE WISH...
+Oh. Hello, Lisa.
+I just came down for a glass of water.
+Ah. Well, you do have a present under the tree. I guess no one told Santa you were a Buddhist.
+Well, Santa can take it back because I'm not ruled by material desi-- Is that a pony?
+I don't know what Santa left you. I just know his name is Clip-Clop and he loves sugar.
+Lisa, we love you and we're not trying to put any pressure on you.
+Awww...
+Lick it... Lick it...
+Oh no! Our daughter's run away on Christmas Eve.
+More sugar, please.
+Bag's in the kitchen.
+All right!
+My family tried to trick me into celebrating Christmas!
+You know, we are meditating.
+Oh, sorry.
+That's all right. I was only about to achieve enlightenment. But who'd want that?
+Who likes short shorts?
+I like short shorts.
+Those guys are way off. Anyway, your family didn't have to trick you. Buddhists respect the diversity of other religions as long as they're based on love and compassion.
+It's true. So why don't you go home. I'm sure your family really misses you.
+I can really celebrate Christmas?
+You can celebrate any holiday. And you know, my birthday is August thirty-first.
+Oh, I'll send you an email greeting card.
+Now I really should be getting back to my family.
+Yeah, I'm spending tonight with my stepdaughter Hannah. I do her hair, then she does mine.
+We're gonna go spend Christmas with Moe. You know, so he don't have one of his Christmas "accidents."
+Hey, he can't do much without this.
+I did it. I found our dog. Now our Christmas is complete.
+We were looking for Lisa!
+I thought we were caroling.
+We'd better call the police.
+You came back!
+Yeah, I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.
+So you're back on the winning team?
+No, I'm still Buddhist, but I can worship with my family too.
+So you're just going to pay lip service to our church?
+Uh huh.
+That's all I ever asked.
+Well, I'm just glad you're back.
+And don't worry, honey, I'll pray double hard for both of us. Now let's get you some Christmas cookies.
+Thanks, Mom. Hey, where's my pony?
+Yes! Merry Christmas to us all.
+I'm serious, make with the pony.
+And a happy and healthy New Year.
+Here, Clip-Clop. Here pony, pony.
+Happy, happy New Year!
+We don't need TV to have family fun. Why don't we play Monopoly?
+Let's get started. First I'd like to announce that thanks to the magic of Disney Animatronics, Strom Thurmond will live another hundred years.
+Twenty more terms!
+Moving on to new business, what act of unmitigated evil shall the Republican party undertake this week?
+Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
+You've already done enough, Nader.
+Let's get rid of PBS. Those lousy Muppets have been taking food out of my mouth for too long.
+I say we crack down on the hippies. Bleh!
+What about this dang environment? Back in Texas we got rid of it and it made everyone a lot happier.
+Ezak gusuri goloneth, maledictu nosferamus en principi...
+These trees are our national heritage!
+A grizzly bear with a chainsaw. Now there's a killing machine!
+Stop endangering yourself. Stop endangering yourself.
+Rain stinging!
+Good Lord, acid rain!
+Ach, it burns like a Glasgow bikini wax!
+Oh. We'd better stay inside. At least until the squirrels stop melting.
+No problem. There's plenty of activities inside.
+Now let's see how our blind dates liked each other.
+Oh I really felt there was a connection and I-I would definitely go out with her again.
+He smelled like puke!
+The TV!
+Quit trying to control me.
+We've got Star Wars Monopoly, Rasta-mon-opoly, Galip-olopoly... Edna Krabappoly...
+Let's stick to original Monopoly -- the game is crazy enough as it is.
+How can an iron be a landlord?
+Pennsylvania Avenue. I wanna buy a house.
+Hey, where'd they go?
+New shooter.
+That's it, baby. Welcome to Marvin Gardens.
+Oh, we'll see about that.
+One, two, three.
+You're a little light here, Dad.
+I'm good for the rest, you know I am.
+Well, I'd like to trust you, Homer. But you've been in jail three times.
+They told me it would be like this on the outside.
+These hotels are made of Legos.
+Bart, you're cheating!
+Lisa, it was probably an accident.
+Oh sure, you take his side. Just 'cause he bought you that house on St. James Place.
+Who else is gonna take care of her? Dad?
+Why you little...
+Stop fighting!
+Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
+I've been prying them apart since before you were born!
+C'mon, people. The Prison Nutcracker Suite is one week away. And I don't see five sugarplums. I see five guys who don't know their moves and don't seem to care. There, I said it.
+That better be wardrobe and it better be good news. Hello?
+How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?
+I am Brenda. I am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner. Destroy! Destroy!
+Hey, this is taffy!
+And we carried it out as a family!
+Police brutality! And chew-tality!
+Nice work, Brenda. I'll take it from here.
+No way. This is my collar.
+Heh. Too bad real women don't come with these, huh?
+You got that right.
+Quiet, you. That counts as your phone call.
+Thanks a lot, everybody. Now I'll never get into an Ivy League school.
+You're going to Stanford! You're going to Stanford!
+You're going to Stanford.
+Take it back! Take it back!
+Stanford.
+This family has hit rock bottom.
+Hello, I'm Gabriel.
+A heavenly choir. You must be an angel!
+No, that's my pager. I'm a social worker. I'm here to help you stop fighting and become a family again.
+No, you are an angel like Denzel Washington in "The Preacher's Wife," or Will Smith in "Bagger Vance," or Slimer in "Ghostbusters."
+Sir, we know you're not an angel. My husband sees too many movies.
+Don't blame me, blame Tinseltown and its second golden age. May it never end.
+In a difficult case like this, I like to observe each family member individually.
+Well, my room is my sanctuary. My family knows that and respects that.
+I got sprayed by a skunk! Let me rub it off on your sweaters.
+Just ten more years! / Just ten more years! / Just ten more years!
+Attention everyone, this is Gabriel, my personal social worker. He has to be here. I'm just that nuts.
+How come you get a social worker? I'm the one with stigmata.
+Thank you, Marge. You sure do love cooking.
+Food keeps my family happy, so I make a few practice dinners before showtime. 'Cause at six o'clock, we go live!
+Okay Gabriel, this is a "bar." It's where I go to drink "alcohol," which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
+Homer, I am not an angel!
+Well, not with that temper.
+Look, the thing about my family is, there's five of us. Marge, Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.
+Okay, why are we in the woods? Is this heaven?
+No, I brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns. Marge, you medicate your family with food.
+And Bart, you'll do anything for attention -- cut that out!
+They chose me.
+Homer, your problem is quite simple. You're a drunken, childish buffoon.
+...Which is society's fault because...
+It's your fault, Homer. But I've got an exercise that will help all of you break out of the roles you're stuck in. Who feels like lunch?
+Me. / Right here. / Oh, me too. / Please.
+Good. I hung it on the top of that tree.
+But how are we supposed to get it?
+You'll just have to cooperate.
+Cooperate?! This is one family that doesn't swing that way.
+Are you sure? I made roast beef sandwiches, one falafel...
+Thank you.
+...And plenty of beer.
+Gimme that beer!
+Gabriel, are you okay?
+Yes, but I'm afraid your lunch has attracted some unwanted visitors.
+We've got to do something, but what?
+Okay, family huddle.
+Here's how it's gonna go down. As a family, we drive away. We cover for each other -- as a family. It's what Gabriel would have wanted.
+Look, we can't fall into old patterns. We've gotta think of a plan.
+Okay, but talk like this.
+Fine, I'll talk like this.
+Look, Gabriel. We're learning to work together.
+That's great, but so are the wolves and cougars.
+Dad's on the log. Now Mom, you get the car and pull them to safety.
+My driving ankle! Bart, I know this sounds crazy, but do you think you can drive the car?
+Okay, but it's my first time.
+Here's the keys.
+I got a set.
+Now, Bart!
+Give them the food!
+Oh, no! The roast beef is making them stronger -- and the falafel is making them angrier!
+Give them the beer! It will impair their motor skills!
+No! I will never... Oh wait, it's Blatz.
+Hey, they're all right.
+WE ARE FAMILY!
+OUR BITTER FIGHTS ARE NOW HISTORY!
+WE ARE FAMILY!
+WOLVES AND COUGARS ATE OUR ROAST BEEF!!
+Well, I think you all did great. You broke out of your normal roles to accomplish something as a family. I've really earned my wings.
+I knew it!
+No, I mean this CD -- "The Best of Wings".
+BAND ON THE RUN....
+You know, we've been through some two hundred and eighty adventures together, but our bond has never been stronger.
+Yep. Our family is as functional as all get out.
+Could this be the end of our series... of events?
+Oh, it's the woman I married in Vegas!
+Homer, you're a bad man, and your seed should be wiped from the earth. No offense, children.
+Homer and Ned, you may now kiss your brides.
+Give it to me, baby.
+It's okay. We're married.
+You and Ned married a couple floozies?
+Marge, I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault. Liquors drunkened me.
+If I Had known there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would never have let you go.
+Look, I did marry her, but I abandoned her. Amber, tell her how I abandoned you.
+This is the worst thing you've ever done.
+Well, Ginger, sure is, uh, um, neat that you managed to hunt me down.
+Where's the bed?
+Oh Lord, I know my new wife is a little more... "peppermint" than you're used to. But, uh, I know you'd want me to honor my sacred vows, so I will.
+Hey stud, where do you keep your Wet Ones? I need a shower.
+Oh, we've got a real shower upstairs.
+Upstairs?! I hit the jackpot!
+Get out, Homer.
+Look, I married her, but that is as far as we went. We never, ever made whoopee -- or even mouth whoopee.
+Homer, I don't know if I can ever forgive you. Please go away.
+You can't kick me out. It'll cause a miscount in the census. A miscount!
+Of all the things that have ever come back to bite me in the ass, this is the worst.
+Please, just leave me alone.
+Now, now, Momma's gonna make you a snack.
+Oh, yeah... Oh, that's good... Oh, don't stop. Oh, yeah...
+Faster... Faster... Faster... Oh, you do that like a pro...
+Oh, no. She's making him a sandwich.
+Use both hands...
+"RISE AND SHINE AND GIVE GOD YOUR GLORY, GLORY..."
+Me and the boys made you breakfast in bed. It's the best darn diddly way to start your first Flanders day!
+Think you can Irish-up this coffee for me?
+Whoops. Watch the swears, Honey Bear. We don't use the "I" word in this house.
+Where's my cigarettes?
+We flushed your sin sticks down to hell.
+Smokers are jokers!
+Smokers are jokers!
+I think I'm gonna throw up.
+Ooh. Who wants to hold Mommy's hair?
+Me! Me! / I do!
+Hey, "Vegas Mom," how long are you gonna stay here?
+Oh, I'm not goin' anywhere. I already unpacked my delicates.
+Doesn't it bother you that you're breaking up our family?
+You know, I bet you and me could be friends. I could show you how to put on makeup.
+I'm eight years old.
+You could look seven. And I could teach you to count cards.
+Eh, I already got a system.
+No. You're thinking of someone with two knives.
+I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. Yeah.
+Can't panic! Must remain calm.
+Ah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.
+Marge, you're speaking to me.
+Why don't you come inside and we'll talk?
+Talk about what? Sports? Bigamy?
+Bigamy.
+Not a sports fan, huh?
+You insensitive jerk! Maybe this family would be better off without you!
+You know, there are only so many times I can say I'm sorry and still mean it!
+Why don't you just take Britney Beers and get outta here!
+I would if it wasn't for the kids.
+Hey, the heart wants what it wants, dude.
+We had a good run.
+Well, that's the last we'll see of them. Come on, we're goin' to Moe's.
+My lady's glass is empty, Moe. Bring her another cookies 'n' creme martini.
+No, honey. This time make it a "Sex on the Beach." And hold the beach.
+Gee, Homer. Your new wife is great. Her lips look like night-crawlers.
+You know, she could put that mole anywhere on her face.
+To Amber... who proves there are seconds in the buffet of life.
+Aspirin...RU-486...
+Who are you?
+I'm your new husband. And that was a wedding night I'll never forget.
+Oh no, we didn't...
+Well, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer. Wanna give Honest Abe another term in the Oval Office?
+Oh, thank God.
+We're married? But how?
+Oh, sure. He paid for the hour.
+Woo hoo!
+You crapped out, Vegas Mom.
+Our plan worked perfectly.
+What plan? You got me drunk.
+Yeah, but this time you woke up with more than a hangover. You're married to me. Meee.
+I can't take it! You're too goody-goody!
+Oh, that's not you talkin'. That's the honey-mustard dressing!
+C'mon, Ginger. Let's go back to Vegas.
+Yeah, I'm sure there's poker games we can be won in.
+I'm so proud of us. When we stick together, we can do anything.
+Oh, I lost another wife.
+I'm so sorry, Grampa.
+Well, it hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There she goes.
+You know, I have a son about your age.
+A library selling books? If I don't want 'em for free, why would I want to pay for 'em?
+Why do you always wait 'til we arrive to complain?
+I don't know.
+Ah, the full Leonard Nimoy cycle. "I Am Not Spock", then "I Am Spock", and finally "I Am Also Scotty".
+Good heavens.
+Lisa, you're not buying more than your weight in books.
+But I have to save them! The books no one buys get chopped up and fed to pigs.
+Helen Fielding's giving them pigs Bridget Jones' diarrhea.
+Well, what about this? "The Duff Book Of World Records."
+It's got pictures of deformities.
+Oh my God! Wow. Now that's a goiter.
+Why would Duff Beer put out a book?
+It was originally published to settle arguments in taverns.
+She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's!
+I never agreed to that rule!
+Well, I say the most clothespins a man could attach to his face is eighty-seven.
+You counting the neck?
+You know I am.
+All right. Outside.
+Peace, my people. All shall be looked up. Let's see, most clothespins: swallowed, inserted... here we go, clipped to face and neck. One hundred and sixteen.
+Geez, I was wrong, but I ain't angry.
+And I'm magnanimous in victory.
+Wow, that's the best book I've ever seen!
+No, the best book you've ever seen is Tom Clancy's "Op Center."
+That thing knows me better than I know myself.
+Ooh, here's a good one: The World's Most Overrated Saint.
+Francis of Assisi .
+I've used up all these records.
+Why don't you try to set a record, Dad?
+That's a great idea. Do you think I could run a mile in three and a half minutes?
+Only on Mars.
+The Simpsons are goin' to Mars, so pack your... Or maybe I'll think of something else.
+You're a cinch to be World's Fattest Man.
+No, I'm here for the greatest living actor.
+I'm here to break a world record. What's the longest anyone's ever done this?
+Three years.
+Fine, I'll just play the banjo with this cobra.
+Wait, wait, wait...
+Uh, technically, the cobra would get the record. He's the one playing.
+But it's my banjo.
+Mr. Simpson, there are thousands of people like you with no discernible talent.
+Yeah, they're called "Congress".
+Shut up.
+Not again!
+All the individual records were set by crackpots who half-killed themselves. The only way someone new can get in the book is with some kind of group stunt.
+Group stunt?
+Like that town that made the world's largest omelet.
+Denver?
+No, Spanish.
+Fellow Springfielders. I have called you all here so we can enter the Duff Book of World Records.
+/ What's he talking about?
+We're going to build the world's tallest human pyramid!
+Finally, this town will have a real claim to fame.
+Aye, we can stop all the lies.
+I haven't seen this much flesh since Elke Sommers' hot-tub party. Seriously, Elke's great. Always there for sick kids. Doin' great things.
+Okay. Lemme check the specs.
+Wow, my vision is coming to life!
+All right. I'll make a base camp here and try for the summit tomorrow.
+Yeah, Dad! You can be the world's laziest stunt organizer!
+Why you little!
+No mas! No mas!
+You're about a foot short of the record.
+Wait a minute.
+Ha! Ha! We did it! Springfield rules!
+Not yet. You have to hold it for three Mississippi's. One Mississippi...
+Two Mississippi...
+Dude, you're touching my hand!
+Ow, my hairstyle!
+Goodbye, cruel world.
+Hello, ironic twist.
+I am so far from my car.
+Dude, you're lying on top of me. Dude?
+Wait a minute, look at the scale!
+Divide by the number of people... Subtract belts and shoes...
+Everyone, welcome to the Duff Book Of World Records: Springfield is the World's Fattest Town!
+Woo-Hoo! In your face Milwaukee!
+Congratulations, fellow Springfielders! This town will no longer be known as "America's Sorrow". Today, I declare Springfield "Fat City U.S.A."!
+I can't believe it. Everyone's celebrating their obesity!
+Haw haw.
+Now that everyone's so open about being fat, I can finally stop sucking in my gut.
+I don't know how this town got so fat.
+Mom, we're out of "Frosting Gobs."
+Here, have one of my fudge-stuffed toaster pies.
+You kids do eat a lot of sugar. But at least Homer can have a nice, healthy grapefruit.
+Yeah, you can't improve on nature.
+Look at all the empty calories.
+Ooo, sugar free donuts.
+No, that is sugar with free donuts.
+Apu, everything in this store is overloaded with sugar.
+Marge has a point.
+Sugar is not only fattening, it's also terribly, terribly addictive. Uh, is my carton of Pixie Stix in?
+No, it hasn't come in yet.
+Damn it! When they come in you call me at this number.
+Nine one one.
+I am sorry, but everything in this store, from the honey-glazed cauliflower to the Choco-Blasted Baby Aspirin, comes from the Motherloving Sugar Corporation.
+Well, I'm going to have a talk with them. Where are their worldwide headquarters located?
+Why, right down the street.
+That's lucky.
+Yes, I'm Garth Motherloving.
+Hey, Marge. I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say "Get the hell outta my office?"
+I want you to stop putting so much sugar in everything, or at least warn people that it's so unhealthy.
+Hm, that'll boost sales. While we're at it, why don't I just change my name back to Hitler?
+Don't you have any sense of corporate responsibility?
+Look, lady. If you have a problem, bring it up with your sewing circle, okay?
+But we're on hiatus. Everyone's everywhere.
+Note to Marge: get out.
+I'll play it later.
+If you looked up meanie-beanie-fo-feanie in the dictionary, you'd see his picture.
+Wait. You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa-Loompas?
+There was one in a cage, but he wasn't moving.
+That company's ruining the whole town's health, and I don't know how to stop them.
+Why don't you file a class-action suit?
+Oh yeah, like Erin Brockovich.
+The prostitute with a heart of gold.
+I'm not sure I can afford a fancy lawyer.
+That's okay, Mom. Today's law schools are churning out two point one lawyers for every person in America. Look.
+Pick me! / No, pick me!
+Ah! Pick me! I just passed the bar, see?
+Aw, hop in.
+We want to sue the sugar industry for selling a harmful product.
+We have to sign up plaintiffs, and take depositions from the townspeople.
+Aw, geez. You don't want ol' Gil going door-to-door. Oh, I've made too many enemies selling suckless vacuum cleaners and Rick James Bibles.
+Don't worry. I'll do the legwork.
+I'm filing a class action lawsuit against Big Sugar. Would you like to give a deposition?
+Sure I'll join your lawsuit. Sugar's made my Ralphie hyperactive.
+I'm happy and angry!
+Oh shoot, I'll sign. Figure them sugar folk owe me fer wut they done ta my cousin, Dia-Betty.
+I'm tryin' to slim down so I can fit into Momma's coffin.
+That's my re-ward!
+Now let's see if I can remember how to make my mark.
+I'll get down with your lawsuit. Disco Stu got hooked on the white stuff back in the seventies.
+Oh, hello Homer.
+Well, well. If it isn't the woman who's too busy saving the world to save her own marriage.
+What are you talking about? Is that dinner?
+It was dinner.
+Why didn't you just turn off the oven?
+I was hoping we could do that together.
+Marge Simpson?
+Who is this?
+Professor Frink?
+Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the hoyvin or the mayvin or the whole go-hoy-vy thing that I do?
+So Professor, tell us about operation "hoyvin-mayvin."
+Well we knew perfectly well it was addictive. Candy was just a sugar delivery system. We thought we were God. Hoyvin-mayvin.
+Frink, you little weasel, I'll kill you.
+May I remind you we're in open court?
+I'll kill you too.
+I'll kill you all!
+Mr. Motherloving, that could be interpreted as a threat.
+I'll kill you while you sleep.
+Objection!
+Mm... I'll allow it.
+Now, Count Fudge-ula, how long were you spokes-vampire for Motherloving's breakfast cereals?
+Now all my victims have to be mashed up.
+Awww...
+Your Honor, I admit it looks bad for me.
+But I think you might be turned around by some surprising taste-imony.
+Sir, this is a house of justice, not a sugar-shack. It's Hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat.
+Well, your honor, the court carries it well.
+Silence! I rule in favor of Marge Simpson.
+Oh, I am so proud of you.
+And, thanks to Marge's Simpson's damning evidence... I hereby ban all sugar products from Springfield -- forever!
+Get in the car.
+Good evening. Our top story: Springfield's cake-hole has been shut, forever. Under what has been dubbed "Marge's Law," all forms of sugar are now illegal.
+Thank you, Erin Choco-snitch. That was a group effort.
+I was just trying to make this a healthier place to live.
+Well, good work, Blue-hair 'n' Brocko-witch. Okay, that was mine.
+So say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as: Mud Pies, Bite 'ems, Éclairios, Chew 'ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'ems...
+And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly-concentrated opiates.
+That's it, boys. Burn it all.
+Even this promotional Johnny Depp from the movie "Chocolat"?
+We melted for him. Now he's gonna do likewise.
+All right, time to throw in the Butterfingers.
+Hm. It's not even singed.
+Even the fire doesn't want them.
+Sugar... need sugar!
+Aye. They're not riding the white horse anymore!
+My baby! Where's my baby?
+Nothing left! Nothing left!
+Ooh, ooh, a sticky spot!
+Mr. Simpson, you are licking blood and Vapo-Rub.
+Part of me knew that.
+There is a small group committed to bringing sugar back to this town. By any means necessary.
+I'm with you all the way. But first...
+Cool. Should I take off my shoes?
+Gentlemen, I have found the final member of our cabal.
+Count Fudge-ula? I thought you wanted to get off the stuff.
+I'm a monster. Don't look at me!
+Homer, we need you to help us smuggle in sugar from south of the border.
+Oh, you mean Tennessee?
+No. The island of San Glucose. Good times.
+Is it really worth risking your lives just for some sugar?
+Dessert's on. I steamed some limes!
+Godspeed.
+There is the island!
+I'm only doin' this one more time.
+How's he doing?
+I think he's grossed-out by some seaweed.
+Eww. I touched it. Over.
+Get a grip, Simpson. You're doing fine. Now, do you have your map?
+Come on! Give it! I know, I'll try reverse psychology. I don't want that stupid map.
+Okay man, there's the sugar. Now you give us the money.
+That wasn't part of the deal!
+He's right. Who wrote this thing?
+Well, we're almost home.
+Has everyone keistered their personal supply?
+'Cause I sure haven't.
+Hold it right there.
+Surrender or prepare to be sunk.
+No way! We'll defy you to the death!
+Stroke, stroke, stroke!
+I'm rowing as fast as I can, sir.
+No, I'm having one!
+Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles?
+Let's do it.
+My baby!
+I like to think we've made a difference today.
+Good work, Simpson.
+Before I bring the sugar in, I want to see the Oompa-Loompa.
+He's right over there.
+That guy is freaky. Well, here's your sugar.
+No, Homer!
+You'll be condemning this town to a life of obesity and diabetes!
+Don't listen to her, Homer.
+Oh, they both make such good arguments.
+Please, Homie. Dump the sugar. For me.
+Sugar is pouring into the water!
+Aye, 'tis a sugary brine.
+Mmm, this sugar shark is delicious.
+Hey, he bit me back! So that's how it's gonna be, huh?
+Gee, everyone looks so happy.
+Indeed, Marge. And, uh, now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority. And I declare the sugar ban over!
+Can we, Mom? Can we? Please, please, please?
+Oh, all right. But take Maggie with you.
+Mm. I guess you just can't use the law to nag. Maybe I should just stop trying to change the world.
+No Marge, I love when you do that. You're a regular Carin' A-lot-ovich.
+That's the best one!
+That's what I told Lisa!
+Hey, I found some pearls. Oh wait, they're just my teeth. Well, I can still make a necklace out of them.
+Ah, there's nothin' better than relaxin' with my favorite magazine.
+Ooh, they're showing the filling now. Can they do that?
+What the hell is that?
+Rainbows... tank tops... empowerment... This is the Gay Pride Parade! Woo hoo!
+We're here, we're queer, get used to it!
+You do this every year. We are used to it.
+Spoilsport.
+Oh honey, think pink. Look, a salute to safe sex!
+We're gay! We're glad!
+But don't tell Mom and Dad!
+Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together?
+Cool! It's Lesbians of the Caribbean!
+YO-HO-HO / IT'S AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE FOR ME!
+Ooh, a salute to brunch! Wave to brunch, Maggie!
+Look at those abs.
+Everyone here has a six pack and I'm the only one with a keg.
+Oh, God. Cover up.
+That's it, we're outta here.
+Four tickets for "Shenani-Goats!".
+Why is this movie PG-13?
+It may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
+These are so easy. It's obviously Tom Hanks.
+Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy. Otm Shank.
+Come on, show the movie!
+Justin's soccer team was in last place...
+You suck! No wonder your parents are gettin' divorced.
+Until they dug up a new player...
+Ed O'Neill is... "Soccer Mummy".
+Go, Soccer Mummy! You taught me to believe in myself!
+Uh-oh, the professor said not to let him get a boner.
+I'm laughing but it's a laugh of impatience. Show the movie!
+So many previews. So many previews. So many previews.
+And now our feature presentation.
+If that's a phrase you like to hear, then you'll love MovieCall.
+Start the movie!
+Start the movie! Start the movie!
+They're out of control!
+Well, if we wanted to live forever, we wouldn't have become ushers.
+Stop the madness! Start the movie!
+Maybe we should try to calm Dad down.
+I prefer to egg him on. Hey Dad, has the movie started yet?
+Homer, you're going to get in trouble.
+I'm not scared of those ushers! What are they gonna do? Advance on me?
+This ends here.
+And so for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum.
+Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children.
+So long, suckers!
+My mouth. My beautiful mouth.
+Excellent bout. Now we go party.
+Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw.
+Broken jaw?
+He won't be able to talk for quite some time. I've wired his jaw shut -- it's all explained in this pamphlet.
+So your life is ruined.
+Oh dear, you can't eat solid foods. Those are his favorites.
+Stop it, Homer!
+Oh, don't worry. On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.
+Hey, Dad. I'm gonna make a human yo-yo. If you object, clearly say "no".
+No objections, eh? Oh, that's great.
+Milhouse, you ready to imitate that "Jackass" show?
+All those disclaimers made me wanna do it more.
+Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff?
+Hey, it's Duffman!
+Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
+Duffman can never die. Only the actors who play him. Oh yeah!
+Ah, you must be here for the uh, Duff trivia challenge.
+That's right, local distributor. One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff.
+Okay, chug-monkeys. What beverage, brewed since ancient times, is made from hops and grains?
+How about "Ancient Hop Grain Juice"?
+Wait, wait, wait, Homer's tryin' to make a guess...
+Oh, oh, what are you doing? You're gettin' some kind of booze all over.
+Time's up. The answer is beer! Ooh, Duff luck.
+I never woulda figured that out.
+Hm. Now, that's the kinda thing you just gotta know.
+I am not gonna make you another sparerib smoothie. Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight.
+"How was your day?" Do you really want to know?
+Well, let's see... I was in the kitchen, counting the corncobs on the curtains...
+When who should ring the doorbell but Ned Flanders.
+It seems he wants to ban culottes in the schools.
+Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy.
+You wanna know what happened?
+Really?
+We were playing four square, and I called no double taps, and Ralph double taps. And I said "You're out". And he says "I can do a sum-ber-salt" which has nothing to do with anything.
+Aww... maybe a hug will cork her cry-hole.
+Thanks for listening, Dad.
+We gotta coordinate on this thing.
+So the substitute teacher comes in and says her name is Mrs. Doody. And everyone's looking at me like "Take it, Bart. Run with it". And it hits me: I've become a clown... a class clown. And it sickens me.
+Three wars back, we called sauerkraut Liberty Cabbage, and we called Liberty Cabbage super slaw. And back then, a suitcase was known as a Swedish lunchbox. 'Course, nobody knew that but me.
+Anyway, long story short... is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling.
+You know, tomorrow is the Annual Springfield Formal Event. We weren't going to go, after last year's... unpleasantness.
+That donkey is such a bad influence on you.
+But breaking your jaw has made you so sweet. Maybe we can go.
+Mm hmm.
+Hmm, I'd better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow.
+A formal. The one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy.
+So, how are we enjoying the festivities?
+Yes, the music is from Southern Hungary. That's quite an ear -- have some money.
+Your husband is quite the gentleman. Most people laugh at my googly eye.
+Well, I've never seen a man politely pass up so many hors d'oeuvres. My husband, Maxtone Witherball, has already had three shrimp.
+Oh. It's just a false alarm.
+Someone's done her henpecking. You two are quite the couple. You must dine with us at Toad Hall.
+Mm, thank you.
+This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.
+I'm horny!
+I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh Homer, this is the kind of night I thought we could never have together: incident free.
+Oh Homer! Drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires. You'll be just the way you used to be.
+And Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.
+Homer, your breath smells terrible. I'll have to take off my shoes to cover the odor.
+Nicely done.
+And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen.
+I learned so much about my family. You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while.
+Really? Let's try it.
+Hello? Yeah, I'd like to arrange for an escort please.
+To where? How 'bout "Orgasmville"? Hello? Hello?
+Uh, hey, how ya doin'?
+I was just tellin' all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man.
+I couldn't agree more. You're today's modern, enlightened man -- the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid-seventies.
+Hey, what are you doing in here?
+I'm an alcoholic. Homer, will you appear on my show?
+Sure thing, Alky.
+Welcome to Afternoon Yak. Today, we will meet a man who couldn't open his mouth... so he learned to open his heart. Please welcome Homer and Marge Simpson.
+So Marge, tell. What's it like kissing a man with a mouth full of metal?
+My boyfriend has a metal tongue stud.
+Who cares what's on his tongue -- long as he's a stud where it counts! I'm talkin' downtown!
+Marge, what was Homer like before he broke his jaw?
+Well, he would eat all the time. We'd be making love, and he'd have a mouth full of Hershey's Miniatures.
+Krackle was my favorite.
+I hope that was the only miniature in the bedroom!
+I'm talkin' downtown!
+And before he broke his jaw, he never listened, but now he takes to heart everything I say.
+Well, as much as humanly possible.
+Well Marge told us when you didn't listen, it led to reckless, criminal behavior.
+He did such crazy things -- roll clip.
+Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers!
+I'll take one.
+Okay, you pick one out and I'll punch it to death.
+Dude, I thought we were friends.
+I'm not proud of that clip.
+Homeleh, it's easy to change. But what's hard is not changing back.
+Do you promise not to wevive your weckless, weckless ways?
+Well, I don't know. The demolition derby is next month...
+Please, Homie? No more craziness -- for me?
+Well, okay. For you I'll be as dull as Dilbert.
+Very good. Our next topic: "My Son Still Wets the Bed."
+You told me we were going to Red Lobster!
+Hm, all clean, just the way I left it.
+I'm gonna kill you!
+Well, so much for new Homer.
+What's going on?
+We're rehearsing a play.
+Yes, and I was merely reading the title: "I'm gonna kill you."
+Yep. Nothin' to get excited about.
+Well, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.
+Professor Van Doren, so good to see you.
+Ah, rehearsing a play I see.
+This place is so dull. The nine-one-one button is covered with dust.
+I just poured myself a new glass of milk. The old one sat out for a little while. Are you comin' to bed?
+It's seven-thirty!
+Marge, I could stand here and argue with you, but then I'd have to get a new glass of milk. Goodnight, honey.
+Boy, things are going really good. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good. Hmm, look at that freckle. I should dig that out.
+Good, good, that feels good.
+The Demolition Derby? That'll scratch my itch.
+Marge? Marge is gone! But at least the Demolition Derby form is...
+What?! Nooo!
+Listen to all that revving!
+Drivers, start your engines!
+Vendors, start your gouging!
+And now... smashie, smashie!
+Lookin' good, Mrs. S!
+Uh-oh. C'mon old girl, show 'em what ya got!
+Catch yA later radiator! Oh my God! I hit someone -- then I taunted him! I've never felt more alive!
+What was I thinking, trying to feel alive? Forget that!
+Don't hurt me! I'm not like you people! I'm loved!
+I caught a head! Aww, dang. It's been scooped out.
+Simpson!
+Go around! Go around!
+There she is!
+Dad, you've gotta do something.
+But bold moves are no longer my forte!
+She could get hurt!
+Oh, what do I do? What do I do?
+Wait, I know. Beer here!
+Sure, sonny.
+Ah, this beer's deliskous. I'm gonna saves me wife! Now let's get this show on the road.
+So many dings.
+Quit banging my wife!
+A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this.
+Looks like I need some fuel for me mule. Gas for me ass.
+Aw, looks like a little angel. Now to save me Marge.
+Oh Homer, save me, save me!
+He saved her! Oh. Isn't it great to have the old Dad back?
+I thought you liked the new Dad.
+Whatever.
+This family needs a live wire, but it's just not me.
+That's okay, Marge, you're a good wet blanket. The kind I like wrapped around me.
+When Homer's jaw was crushed-crushed-crushed, his life took a nitro-burning funny turn!
+Oh yeah! It's important to grow-grow-grow, but if you take it to the max-max-max, it's gonna get ugly!
+In the mud!
+Oh Jar Jar, everyone hates you but me.
+That sounds great.
+Cool, Mom's on drugs. If we turn her in we get a form letter from Dick Cheney!
+She's not on drugs. She couldn't sleep because of Dad's chronic snoring.
+I'm taking him to Dr. Hibbert's this afternoon. You know how hard it is to get a doctor on Wednesday morning.
+I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
+Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap. Here's what it costs.
+Interesting. Here's my counter-offer.
+Get out.
+I'll get it!
+Pedals, people.
+So Lisa, do you have a date for the Harvest Dance?
+This is not a good time.
+It's never a good time!
+Overnight bag... No husband in sight! It's happened!
+She left Homer? I'll get the Champale.
+And let's get that ring off.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah! I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring.
+Great, we'll have a girls' night.
+No bras!
+Let's catch the tail end of "Nooky In New York".
+Nooky In New York?
+It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.
+If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat-cheese quesadilla, I'm gonna scream.
+I also enjoy sex.
+Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops, and a guy who works on Wall Street.
+Broker?
+Nah, she's just really sore.
+This is so like our lives.
+It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.
+Coming up on BHO... it's "Arli$$!"
+Gentlemen, start your envy. "Men's Wealth" Magazine has listed the one hundred richest men in the country. And coming in at number five is Springfield native Artie Ziff!
+Whoa! Your old boyfriend!
+Please. We went out once.
+Artie made mega-bucks with a revolutionary invention -- a converter that changes that horrible modem noise into easy-listening music.
+Also available with lyrics!
+HEY COMPUTER GEEK / YOU WILL BE CONNECTED IN NO TIME!
+What a catch. Why didn't ya sink your claws into him at the prom?
+Yeah, he was warm for your form.
+Well, he seemed like a sweet little shrimp...
+...but then he turned into an octopus!
+Artie. Artie, no. Stop.
+Marge, Marge, you know you can't resist my busy hands.
+Artie, get off of me.
+Well, I think you should get in touch with him. You know, just to congratulate him on his success.
+Well, I suppose I could write him a letter...
+Are you nuts? E-mail, female.
+You just tell us what you wanna say.
+Okay, hold onto your hats. "Dear Artie..."
+Dear Hottie...
+Congratulations on your recent TV appearance.
+"I wanna sex you up. Your love slave, Marge."
+You can't use the word "sex" on the internet.
+Watch me.
+Anti-trust suit... anti-trust suit... A note from Marge Simpson? Well, isn't that a coincidence? I was just thinking about her...
+For the last twenty years!
+Mom, did you sleep well at your sisters'?
+Mm-hmmm!
+For you. For you.
+Here's to a happy, well-rested Marge!
+Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn!
+Let's approach with caution!
+Unguarded breakfasts -- the sweetest taboo.
+Well, well, Marge Bouvier.
+Artie Ziff? Ohh, oh, that e-mail. Look, I got a little drunk and we...
+I'm not surprised you want me back in your life. You can't spell party without Artie... if you misspell party... or Artie. How ya doin'?
+Look, it's great to see you, but you should know I'm happily married.
+Married?! Was it consummated?
+Pretty much. Yeah.
+What's goin' on?
+Homer, don't talk with your mouth full. I've told you before, it's rude.
+Oho! Trouble in paradise.
+Hey Marge, it's that guy who couldn't get any off ya.
+How would you all like to take a ride with me?
+Eh, you're the old flame.
+Homer, Marge, I have a rather delicate proposition.
+Spill it, moneybags.
+Yes, I do have everything. But yet I often wonder what life with Marge would have been like.
+It's like being married to my best friend, and he lets me feel his boobs.
+Homer, I will give you one million dollars to let me spend a weekend alone with your wife.
+Hm, a million dollars? Wait a minute. How much sex would be involved? 'Cause if it's "some"...
+No, no, no. All I want is to show her what life would be like had she chosen me.
+Artie, that's a sick idea. Come on, Homer, we're leaving.
+Just think about it!
+You'll win her yet, Artie. I mean, eh, Arr-tie.
+Hey, where's our parents?
+Hey Marge, I just thought of something.
+If we had Artie's money, I could get that snoring surgery. Plus at least two of those other surgeries I desperately need.
+No way, no how! I'll get used to the snoring, just like I got used to saying "Courtney Cox-Arquette".
+Besides, I like some of the noises you make in bed.
+One squeaking-spring symphony coming up.
+Wow! Homer, that was amazing.
+Yeah, I...
+Honey, did you get any sleep?
+Oh, I'm so sorry.
+Are you snoring while you're awake?
+Uh huh.
+You need that surgery. We'll have to call Artie.
+Okay Ziff, you get her for the weekend, but no funny stuff.
+And by funny stuff I mean handholding, goo goo eyes, misdirected woo -- which is pretty much any John Woo film--
+Your wife's virtue shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.
+Remember, Homie. I'm doing this for us. See you on Monday.
+This round's on me, Moe. I got a big payday comin'.
+Yeah. Homer sold his wife for a million bucks.
+I didn't sell her. I just rented her to an old boyfriend.
+Gee, a million bucks, that's gonna buy him a lot of, uh... Swings in the old battin' cage.
+Looks like everyone's a winner. Marge gets a great new life...
+And you get more sprawl space on the bed.
+Wait, you really think Marge is gonna fall for this guy? Even after I bought her that hockey-fight tape?
+I'd dump your ass.
+Me too.
+Yeah, I can't get Artie out of my head. He's like a spy in the house of Moe.
+Oh God, you're right. I've gotta get her back before it's too late.
+That's enough running.
+Hello, Artie.
+Where are you taking me?
+We're taking a trip through time.
+Forwards?
+Backwards! To the sexy '70s...
+Oh my God! Artie, it's our senior prom!
+I can't believe he's paying us a thousand bucks to pretend it's the seventies.
+Disco Stu is working pro bono.
+Marge, many years ago, I turned a groovy night into a complete bummer. Tonight, you get the prom you always deserved.
+Oh, that's very sweet, Artie.
+Come, dear. We can dance all night. The band hasn't worked since the wrap party for "James at 16". Some say they're cursed!
+Oh my God, it's our high school prom! And once again I have no date!
+Hello, Dondelinger.
+You're not on the guest list, Simpson. Orders of Prom King Ziff. And have you been drinking?
+Just for twenty-five years.
+Let's go, mister.
+You're very sweet... but no fake prom could make me forget my husband. Sorry.
+Very well, Marge. I see you'll never feel about moi the way I feel about toi. But, before the evening ends, may I request an innocent peck on the cheek?
+Oh no. If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born!
+Get off me, you little... nerd!
+I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth. Keep your money. I'm going home.
+Stop looking at me! Keep dancing! Don't you know how to dance? Watch me.
+Ah, he's gonna sleep tonight.
+Oh guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kissing a far superior man.
+Ah, well if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doin' her right now.
+Oh yeah, make me the bad guy.
+My life here is over. Lenny, how'd you like to leave town with me, and never come back?
+Sounds like a plan.
+Then it's settled. We leave Springfield forever.
+What'd I miss? Anything good?
+That's nine hundred and twelve dollars.
+Send the bill to Baron Von Kiss-a-lot.
+No problemo.
+This arrived, Herr Baron.
+Okay, who's der vise guy?
+Oh Homie, I'm so glad to see... A tape on the bed?!
+Marge, if you're watching this, then it means I've figured out how to work the camera. Last night I crashed a certain fake prom. That's right, Artie Ziff's fake prom.
+Homer was there?
+I saw something terrible, and I can't even say it so I'll have these two dolls do it for me.
+Kiss me, Artie.
+With pleasure. Homer's a big jerk.
+But I can explain!
+I'm leaving you, Marge. The next time you see my name will be in the hobo obituaries. Don't worry about the kids -- I'll drop 'em off with Patty and Selma.
+Patty and Selma? Screw that!
+Just run the camera, you little...
+Goodbye, my darling.
+Oh, it's no good. Everything reminds me of Marge.
+I know what you're going through. We're coming up on Mount Carlmore.
+I carved that one wonderful summer.
+What did Carl think?
+You know, we've never discussed it.
+Do you have any jobs for a man who wants to die? Something indoorsy.
+Close to a bathroom.
+I'll put you on rig thirteen, as soon as they burn off the corpses.
+This job'll be perfect. I'm gonna leave this world the way I entered it -- dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.
+Ho, ho. Quick and pointless, that's the death for me.
+Thank you, you've been very helpful.
+Dad just got a library card in West Springfield. He checked out ten books on oil rigging and a book called "Dying for Dummies."
+He must have taken a job in the West Springfield oil patch. That's practically a death sentence!
+What happened now? Homer bowled a three hundred game?
+This campus is so lush and verdant.
+Grampa, that happened a year and a half ago! We have to go save Homer.
+But West Springfield's three times the size of Texas. We'll never find him there.
+Unless...
+I really appreciate you helping me find Homer.
+Think nothing of it, Marge. I hope we can always be friends.
+Of course.
+With privileges?
+Does that work on anyone?
+No. But when it does... hello!
+Another oil well successfully capped.
+Let's raise our goggles in triumph!
+Oh no! This is how Faceless Joe lost his legs!
+Looks like we're goners. Oh well, circle of life.
+Marge?!
+Climb up!
+Ain't ya comin', Homer?
+Why? So I can watch my wife spend the rest of her life in the arms of another man? I don't think so. Good day.
+But, Homer...
+We said "Good day"!
+Listen to me, Homer. You've won. You own Marge's heart. And that's something I could never buy.
+Woo hoo!
+There's nothing on that helicopter for me.
+Don't be so sure.
+Carl Carlson!
+Artie, thanks for saving my life. Now, I believe there's a little matter of the million dollars...
+We can't take his money.
+Oh, I can't take his money... I can't print my own money... I have to work for money... Why don't I just lie down and die?
+Now Homer, if there's one thing you should have learned from all this, it's that I'm rich, rich, rich! And now, I bid you adieu!
+I'm Artie Ziff!
+I gotta hand it to Artie Ziff, Marge. That little nerd saved my life.
+And our marriage, with his latest invention -- the snore converter.
+Goodnight, Homie.
+Goodnight, honey.
+He's a loser, Marge, dump him.
+I TRAVELED THE WORLD AND THE SEVEN SEAS
+I AM WATCHING YOU THROUGH A CAMERA!
+Give up, Mr. Simpson. We know you have the Olympic torch!
+For God's sake, Homer. Give them back their flame!
+No. The Olympics have preempted my favorite shows for the last time!
+You can always find your favorite shows next month.
+You wait 'til next month! You wait 'til next month!
+Every four years.
+We've recovered the flame.
+It's beautiful.
+Are you okay?
+Yeah, I'm fine.
+Nooooo!
+I'm bored. Heyyy... a fair!
+"Springfield Preparatory School?!" Dad, you told me there were no private schools in Springfield!
+But knowing about it would make you want to go here.
+Hello, and thank you for coming to our fund-raiser. I'm Headmaster St. John Van Hookstratten.
+Ten-four, princess. Is that your beer tent?
+Monkeys point.
+Monkeys cry.
+Yes, you probably recognize it from the film "Calling All Coeds".
+Ohhh, is that where Boozer drank the pee?
+It's one of the places.
+Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee!
+This school has everything.
+I know. Doesn't it just honk you off?
+Their periodic table has two hundred and fifty elements!
+And our school board's cut us back to sixteen! All of them lanthanides.
+You know, we could get equipment like this through a bond issue.
+Hmf. Here's your bond issue.
+Quick. Take these.
+Principal Skinner, you're just stealing.
+Welcome to Dick Cheney's America.
+Mmmm. All this food is so frou-frou! Ooo, Faberge egg salad.
+Look, Brandine. It's Wolfgang Puck. Mr. Puck, you makes the only grub what satisfies my gut-worm. I swear.
+Try my Rice Krispie squares. They are wasabi-infused with a portobello glaze. And you can buy them at the airport.
+I make mine with M&Ms.
+With M&Ms? Now that's what I call fusion. I could sell them on the internet!
+To the Puckmobile!
+Go, go, go!
+No one's doing any bumping. Time to ram-a-lam these ding dongs.
+Good show!
+Hey Marge, watch me burn Flanders. Ned Flanders bids fifty dollars.
+And the winner of the hundred dollar bill is Ned Flanders.
+This is going right to the orphanage.
+We have a winner!
+These will be great for advancing our research.
+Yes, our research.
+Touché.
+Hey, that's my backpack!
+Look at her cry.
+New money always cries.
+Drop the backpack, Jack.
+The name is Jackington.
+Retreat!
+To the Hamptons!
+TRA-LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA...
+You were so brave to take on all those bullies.
+Those weren't bullies. That's a bully.
+Hey butler, stop butling yourself!
+Would that I could, sir.
+Time to go, Greta. Your mother's custody starts at eighteen hundred hours.
+Your Dad's McBain?
+I play many characters: McBain, Officer Nick Vengeance, Sergeant Murder, and I was a voice on the "Frasier".
+Would you like to come to my house sometime? If it's okay with my Dad.
+Come. We play Uno, I chase you with hose -- no biggie.
+Wow, cool! Uh, I guess we're leaving, too.
+No, I belong here! Pleeeaaase!
+Don't worry, honey. We can't afford this now, but when it's time for college, I promise my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is.
+In South Carolina.
+I will not be a Gamecock!
+You will too!
+Go gamecocks!
+It's so cute you're going to a little girl's house.
+Look, boy. Here's my advice on women: don't give them nicknames like "jumbo" or "boxcar" and always get receipts -- it makes you look like a business guy...
+What the hell is that?
+That car's as big as all outdoors.
+Wow, what kind of mileage does it get?
+One highway, zero city.
+Bart, your little tie makes me smile.
+Excuse me, but you don't sound as tough as you do in the movies.
+If you don't shut your big yap, I'll rip off your face and use it as a napkin.
+Laughing time is over.
+These are props from one of my Dad's movies -- "The Incredible Shrinking McBain".
+Wow! The Q-tip he used to kill Ross Perot! Ho-ho, everything in your house is so cool.
+What's your house like?
+Oh, it's okay. My bed is stuffed with hay.
+Bart, you're so funny.
+You haven't seen "Itchy and Scratchy" 'til you've seen it on DVD.
+Ow, my body!
+Check out the audio commentary.
+We shot this at four in the morning and the crew was getting a little cranky.
+You can never get enough takes for Steven Soderbergh.
+Always wants more reher...
+I hope you enjoy these German sausages. I've been grinding all day, so I'm not sure what organ meat is in what intestinal casing.
+Hi, I'm Chuck. I live in his trunk.
+Bratwurst, sauerbraten, donderblitzen... Mom, isn't there anything vegetarian?
+Homer, I see your daughter is one of those whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maidens.
+Yeah, one time, she-- Oh, she's looking at us. Be cool.
+What are you doing?
+Ohh, I got ya.
+One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
+One, two, three.
+Hey, that was a fast count!
+Remember when I said I would eat you last? I lied.
+Hi, Bart!
+Whazzup?!
+Oh, you brought someone.
+Yeah, this is Milhouse. He's my best friend, because ... well, geographical convenience really.
+I'm wearing my bathing suit under my pants.
+Um, you want to go swimming?
+Okay, but you have to watch me dive.
+Do you promise?
+Just go.
+Ohhh, he'll sleep tonight.
+Hello, gentlemen. Would you care to meet my new best friend...
+Rainier Wolfcastle.
+OhmyGod, ohmyGod, ohmyGod...
+Hey, I've been using that ab roller you endorse, but I haven't gotten any results.
+Right, because you've been using it backward.
+Are you really Homer's friend?
+After they shoot your movies, who gets the leftover film?
+Is it true that if I kill you I become you?
+This looks like a job for my authorized lookalike.
+Dad, this isn't a movie.
+So how much you lookalikes make? 'Cause some say I look like Macaulay Culkin.
+These courtside seats are great. Thanks for the hookup, Wolfie.
+I just want my daughter to be happy. Plus you eat the pretzels I drop on the floor.
+That I do, sir.
+Bart, my school's having a dance. It's, it's pretty lame, but maybe you could make it fun... if we went together.
+Yeah, I guess.
+DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!
+Ouch! I sat on something sharp!
+Oh, that's just Lara Flynn Boyle.
+I have a Boyle on my ass.
+Now Willie, don't tell anyone I'm trying my stand-up comedy act tonight. If the students find out I'm performing at Floppy's, I'll never live it down.
+I won't tell if you put me on the guest list.
+All right. Plus one?
+Now. I'll give you directions, starting from the Simpsons' house...
+Oh-ho, we are so there.
+Aren't you supposed to take Greta to the dance tonight?
+Oh, yeah. Maybe I should keep my promise.
+I just hope the audience is kind because my material is weak and, uh, and I have that bladder thing.
+That's it. I'm blowing off the dance. This is the biggest thing that's happened to me since chocolate milk.
+They've got chocolate milk now?
+That was the prop comedy of the Sea Captain. More like "thar he blows".
+Yarr. I'm so sorry.
+All right, let's keep this train wreck movin'. Principal Skinner? I know him. He's not funny. Well, enjoy.
+Aw, let my muscles hug you.
+So, it's, uh, standardized testing time again. Have you ever noticed how the dumb kids fill in the wrong circles?
+Sey-mour...
+Sey-mour...
+Lost my place. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe a little, uh, improv would "raise the roof," here. Would someone name a profession?
+Loser principal!
+Uh... I think I heard "California surfer."
+You suck, Seymour!
+Oh, man. What a dork.
+Greta called. It seems you told her you were sick.
+Lisa, I only lied because it was the easiest way to get what I wanted.
+Bart, this girl is in love with you. Think about it.
+Hey, I didn't lead her on. I always played it light and breezy.
+Well, if you don't feel the way Greta does, you've got to tell her before she gets hurt.
+All right, I know what to do. I'll dump her like she's never been dumped before, then we'll go right back to being friends.
+Well Bart, you really understand women.
+Lis, women are easy. State capitals are hard.
+And where were you?
+Cockfight.
+You're breaking up with me!
+Don't worry. We get that a lot here.
+Lou, you can't leave the force. I can change!
+I just think there's more money in private security.
+What I'm hearing is, I'm too fat.
+Aren't I?
+I can't believe he dumped me.
+In my movies, this is where I would go berserk.
+Greta, I'm sorry I didn't handle the breakup well. But you're a sweet kid and some day you'll find someone who...
+Whazzup?!
+Milhouse? Greta? Well, no one has to draw me a picture.
+Oh, but I did.
+Greta, is this how it is?
+Yes, except he kissed me in the eye.
+Oh, I was an idiot. Now I'll be alone forever. Why did I break up with her?
+Oh, Bart, it's human nature. You only want her because someone else has her.
+Prove it. Using examples from this room.
+All right. Look, Maggie's not playing with this ball right now. But look what happens when I take it.
+Gimme the ball! Gimme the ball!
+Leave a message at the beep. But don't be a message monster, hogging all my tape.
+Uh, Greta, it's me. I think you left your pencil over at my house and he's there now, isn't he?
+I knew it. You're there. Just hear me out.
+Bart, forget it. I'm leaving in ten minutes. My Dad's shooting a movie in Toronto.
+You're going to Spain?!
+Goodbye, Bart.
+...so to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
+Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?
+This is for love, Dad. Someday you'll feel what I feel.
+It's only fair. We went to Europe when Lisa lost her balloon.
+Maggie, what do you think?
+All right, Son. We'll all go -- first class!
+It's so clean and bland. I'm home!
+Wow, this bus station is the birthplace of Paul Shaffer.
+Dad, no. It says "don't walk"!
+Doesn't matter. They have free health care.
+I'm rich!
+I'm a ten year old boy in Toronto. I should be the happiest kid in the world... but I can't stop thinking about Greta.
+Oh, you'll win her back, eh. And B, we're closing in five minutes.
+Would a U.S. dollar change your mind?
+American currency! What time would you like your breakfast, sir?
+Over there you can see them shooting the film "Canadian Graffiti".
+Oh, I see you drive on the left up here.
+No, ma'am. I'm drunk.
+There it is -- Wolfcastle's movie set.
+Excuse me, which way to the chess club?
+What's your name, nerd?
+Melvin Eugene Puny-meyer.
+Well, well, a big muscle-bound nerd.
+Ha, just more of you to pick on.
+The geek shall inherit the earth.
+There she is, boy.
+I don't know, Dad. What if she's still mad at me?
+Listen to me, son. No one loves a quitter. So you go over there and you win her back.
+But she might say no.
+Oh, I quit. There's no convincing you. I'm gonna take a nap.
+You're not gonna win her back. She's with the House now.
+Milhouse, she's only dating you to get back at me.
+My therapist said that's all I could ever hope for. So take off, hoser!
+I'm gonna knock you into the next province!
+Well, we've seen some wild sweeping here today.
+Yes, the broom-handling has been truly dazzling.
+What's this? Two young Yankee Doodles have turned this match into a dandy.
+Ha, ha, ha, ha. Both our viewers must be thrilled!
+Greta, I miss you so much. Please be my girlfriend again.
+Yes! The House always wins!
+Sorry Milhouse. I thought Canada would save our relationship, but it only made it worse.
+You're breaking up with me? Why?
+I guess I was just looking for someone more masculine.
+But I told you, I don't know how that scrunchy got in my hair.
+Sorry, guys. But you two have put me off dating for at least four years. I think I'll just buckle down and co-produce my Dad's movies.
+Need a unit production manager?
+It's too late, Bart.
+Well, I guess we're single again.
+I can't believe I have to give her half my stuff. But are we still friends?
+'Til the next one. So what'll we do now?
+Well, we're in Canada. Let's find something fun!
+I've got just the ticket. Come on.
+I can't believe we're on the Canadian Olympic basketball team.
+Yep. It's just that easy.
+Wow, that was close. You can be the center.
+How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips?
+How come you suck?
+Um... I lack confidence.
+Whazzup?!
+Aha! A free baseball.
+A shiny new dime!
+A shinier new dime!
+Excuse me, my refrigeration unit is broken. Could you possibly eat some free ice cream?
+What flavor?
+Why, super chocolate, of course. Oh yes.
+This day just keeps getting better and better.
+And here's a new four-legged friend for me. Hiya boy. Haven't seen you around here before.
+Mom, a dog ate my clothes!
+Nice try. But we're still going to "Riverdance".
+You know that new baby brother Ralph's been bragging about? It's just a pinecone.
+Let's go where it's quiet.
+Isn't that your brother?
+I said "let's go".
+Eh, I'm sick of this Tarzan movie.
+Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless.
+Oh, right.
+A crazy dog's trying to kill me!
+Really? Ooh, this I gotta see.
+Oh, he just wants to make friends.
+Ooh, who's a good dog? What a goody doggie! Oh what dee de bobo! Echee chee googie!
+So Bart, when does the killing start?
+He's a good doggie!
+Ooh it-it ooh googie googie!
+Look Bart, sometimes dogs, or people, hate you for no reason.
+Bart's a goner. Anyone want to be my new best friend?
+I will.
+Great. Finally, I'll be the dominant one.
+Be quiet.
+Yes, sir.
+Ha ha! Bart's family is poor!
+Hurry up, Bart, or you'll be late to be killed by the dog.
+I said you'll be late for school.
+Eat my short stories!
+Whew. Safe at last. Now I'll just turn around and confirm that safety.
+Hey, wait a minute. These animals are stuffed.
+Ow! Except that one.
+Don't worry about these critters. They're just props from my movies.
+This one's from "Gunfight at the Museum of Natural History."
+You were in movies?
+Hold onto your hat, son. You're talkin' to Buck McCoy.
+Yeah, that's right. Buck McCoy. The most famous movie cowboy in the world.
+No kiddin'. Anyway, I climbed over your gate. A dog was after me.
+I'll show you a trick that you can use on dogs. Also worked on David O. Selznick.
+Yeah, that's right. The David O. Selznick.
+Keep him away from me.
+Trust me, son. You'll be fine.
+Now, lean down and put your arms across his neck.
+Whoa, it worked!
+Where did you learn that?
+Ah, you pick things up. Do you know how to catch a wild boar with a teaspoon?
+Well what do you kids do all day?
+Well, right now, I'm supposed to be in school.
+Just you wait!
+School? Huh, why bother? I quit after fourth grade and I ain't not no un-dummy.
+It's like you're living in a steakhouse!
+Why thank you! Most people just mutter that.
+Is that horse vacuuming?
+If you can call it that. He soils as much as he cleans. Frank the Wonder Horse was in twenty-four of my pictures.
+And directed one.
+And he got the "film by" credit.
+Five o'clock? I better get home for dinner.
+Well, come back anytime, pardner. To the laundry room!
+Yee-ha. Here we are.
+Hi, honey. Where's that vicious dog? I made him a biscuit.
+Oh, he's not bothering me any more. Buck McCoy helped me.
+Buck McCoy? He was the greatest of them all. He was bigger than opium!
+I met one of my heroes today. She started the f--
+Buck McCoy! I still carry this.
+Junior Buckaroo 2nd Class. Little Grampa Simpson.
+After that, I starred in "Wyatt Earp Meets the Mummy," then "Six Brides for Seven Brothers..."
+They were pictures that the whole family could enjoy. No drugs, no nudity, no cussin'. Just drinkin', fightin' and trippin' horses with wires.
+What's this lunchbox made of?
+Well back in my day we had a thing called metal. Everything was made of it. Lunchboxes, cars, you name it.
+Met-tal. Hey, can you still do cowboy tricks?
+Here's one I did in "The Wild Lunch".
+Everything tastes better when it's lassoed.
+Would you lasso me a banana?
+Now how the hell would I do that?
+I guess you're not going to have an adventure this week.
+Hey boy, where'd you get that hat?
+Buck gave it to me. He's just about the greatest guy who ever lived. I wanna grow up to be just like him.
+No kidding? Hey, speaking of achievers, they're thinking of spraying your old man's work space for ticks.
+That's great, champ. I know you've been wantin' that. Well, gotta mosey. Homer. Ma'am.
+Bart sure is fond of that cow gentleman.
+It's just not fair. This Buck fella's had all the advantages --horse-riding lessons, the finest makeup, delicious studio food...
+Aw, Homie, you'll always be my western hero.
+I can't wait till I get good.
+Buck's here!
+Dad, why are you wearing that?
+Because I want to be your hero. On top of which I don't look bald.
+Thanks for coming, Mr. McCoy. We cooked your favorites: rattleJailbird meat, varmint kabobs, and refried whiskey.
+I like the sound of that last one.
+Don't listen to 'em, Buck. It's an ambush. They're trying to jump your claim!
+Take him outside.
+I love you, Buuuck!
+Gee Buck, your old films are as violent as today's!
+One of the wheels broke off my chair today. But I didn't make a movie about it.
+In the '50s, I did a TV show.
+It only lasted a year, but we did three hundred and sixty episodes. All of them great. I did the commercials myself.
+Remember kids, Drunken Cowboy Brand Whiskey is smooth as milk.
+I'm not sure I approve of selling whiskey to children.
+Well, that ad was aimed at children who were already heavy drinkers.
+Tonight's episode: "'Scuse Me While I Kill The Sky."
+Why are you driving a car?
+What are you cryin' about?
+Yeah, in the seventies, westerns were out and detective shows were in. It seems like all I did was shoot hippies.
+They wrote me out of the show and it became Room 222.
+So that's how you ended your career?
+Yeah, well what can you do? The western went the way of the evening newspaper and polio.
+Well, I think westerns are due for a comeback.
+Yeah, we can have showdowns at the schoolyard and use nerds as Indians!
+Bart, you look so cool.
+I was thinkin' this could be A new fad.
+What about Hawaiian shirts?
+Hey, you're not fun, you're fat.
+Now, listen up. When I come back tomorrow you'd better have cowboy suits. And they'd better be adorable.
+This is Kent Brockman, here at Springfield Elementary where a new Western "craze" is sweeping the campus.
+I'm Annie Oakley!
+I'm Kevin Costner in one of his western roles!
+I'm a gulch!
+So I guess you could say this barely qualifies as news. I'm Kent Brockman.
+OH, GIVE ME LAND, LOTS OF LAND / UNDER STARRY SKIES ABOVE...
+DON'T FENCE ME IN...
+SIR YOU CANNOT PEE / UNLESS YOU ARE AN EMPLOYEE...
+CAN'T KEEP IT IN...
+Krusty, how do you feel about putting Buck McCoy on your show?
+We also represent Billy Joel.
+Who's the first one again?
+Buck McCoy.
+You don't have to live here!
+Forget it. I'm not putting some western star on, just 'cause it's the flavor of the month. I want my show to have a timeless quality.
+Here's your hanging chad sketch, Krusty.
+Oh, good, you worked in Judge Ito.
+Please put Buck on. He's my hero.
+Plus he'll work for scale.
+Scale minus ten.
+I ain't going on some clown show. I'm retired.
+No one expects you to do anything difficult. They understand you're too old.
+Listen, missy. The last two city-slickers who used reverse psychology on me are pushing up daisies.
+They're dead?
+No, they've just got lousy jobs.
+You know what? I bet he can't even fit into his old costume.
+I can't, eh? You two wait right here.
+Let's see, Texas or Massachusetts?
+I like the way you think.
+Boy, that's some fancy shootin'.
+I've seen fancier.
+Oooh, right in the Panhandle! Write that down.
+Buck, this is a real honor. I grew up watching your horse operas down at the Bijou.
+Yeah, things sure have changed since the '50s.
+I don't care.
+You know, it's been a long time since I performed live.
+You'll do fine. Just remember there'll be millions of people watching you.
+Millions!
+And TV Guide's "Cheers and Jeers" editor. And he's already given out all his "Cheers."
+Live, from the corner of Zany Avenue and Martin Luther King Boulevard, it's the Krusty the Clown show. With special guest Buck McCoy. And now, here's Krusty!
+Oh, listen to you. "Ooh, ooh, I'm too old to change. " How old are you?
+We've got such a great show tonight. I won't be doing a monologue, because my feet hurt. And now, our opening sketch.
+We don't take kindly to transvestite chimpanzees here in Pine Corners. No one can save you now.
+I said, "no one can save you now."
+Shut up, I'm comin'.
+Oh, like you're so perfect with your plastic mane and your painted-on spot. What's real on you? Nothin'!
+He's drunk!
+I've seen drunker.
+Oh right, yeah, the guns.
+We're free!
+These hilarious health professionals will cut me out of my clothes after this commercial.
+What happened, Buck?
+Did I forget to mention I'm an alcoholic?
+For shame!
+Oh, this is horrible. My spit-takes all have blood in 'em.
+Look, I'm really sorry.
+Sorry don't suture my colon. And you're off my show forever!
+Bart, I couldn't help noticing Buck is a total fraud. So I took the liberty of creating a new hero for your wall.
+That is just grotesque.
+Well, I thought if you were looking to worship someone, maybe it could be your old man?
+Eh, we could try it.
+My son lost his hero. This should be the greatest night of my life. How come I'm not happy?
+You care about Bart's feelings.
+Stop saying that.
+I think we should try to restore Bart's faith in Buck. And we could start by getting Buck to quit drinking.
+I'm sorry I let your son down, but I'm too old to change.
+Seventy-six.
+Nice old man. Don't break a hip.
+Have we gotten all the liquor?
+That painting is made of liquor.
+I was drinking so much I forgot what life was about -- gold!
+He does a crazy dance.
+Gold! Beautiful gold! Nuggets as big as your fist!
+You guys are sick. I don't belong here.
+Buck, if you walk out that door, you'll be branded a quitter forever.
+Mmmm, something smells delicious.
+Well, that's it. This place ain't for me.
+Well, we're not giving up. We're going to cure you of drinking.
+Look, I worked long and hard, got rich, and now I'm retired. Why shouldn't I be able to drink all I want?
+Well, I don't know. I just naturally assumed it was some of my business.
+Well, I don't see how it is. Nobody's even told me your name yet.
+I'm still not givin' up on Buck. There must be some hare-brained half-assed way...
+This just in: a robbery is in progress at the National Bank of Springfield. The robbers are equipped with the latest in high-tech weaponry and body armor.
+Stay back coppers!
+Ah, please, everyone, stay away. We don't want anyone to be a hero. A hero. A hero!
+Get me Buck McCoy.
+Dad, I'm on the LINE.
+Here you go. Just stop this bank robbery and you'll be a hero again. I'll wait in the car.
+Are you crazy? I'm a movie cowboy. And you're no Howard Hawks.
+That hurts. But I just have one question: do you want my son to be disappointed in you?
+You don't need that.
+Way to go, Buck. I feel my faith growing anew.
+Better get rid of this too.
+Not to mention this.
+Whoa. There's nothing wrong with a little hey-hey!
+Fun's over, boys. Now drop the hardware and mosey.
+I'm firing at the lasso, but the bullets just go through the middle.
+It's the ultimate weapon!
+Wow, that sure made us look bad.
+Slink away, boys. Slink away.
+Buck, you're my hero again.
+Aren't you forgettin' someone?
+Well, there's Krusty, Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, America's firefighters and then you, Dad.
+And don't you forget it.
+Goodbye Bart!
+Never bother me again! Yee-ha!
+Honey, I've got some bad news for you.
+Not now, Marge. I'm waitin' for the new XFL season. Who will win this year's Million Dollar Game? Who? Who?
+Honey...
+The "X" is for extreme!
+There is no XFL this year. The league folded.
+Who told you?!
+Last year's MVP. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.
+Hello, this is the Springfield Retirement Castle. Your parent...
+Abraham Simpson.
+...is dead.
+Oh, my God!
+He died from...
+Complications of a medical nature. The nursing home was not responsible.
+Homer, your father's dead!
+And he never even lived to be a vegetable.
+I'm really gonna miss him.
+It's Grampa's smell. "Old Old Spice."
+Oh, my Dad never even knew how I felt about him.
+But you were very open with your feelings.
+Sure, I said I loved him. But never that I was "in love" with him.
+Grampa!
+Stop it.
+You're stretching out my skin!
+What's got into you punks?
+The home told us you were dead.
+Me? I ain't dead. It was Stimson down the hall. So much for Mister "I can button my own shirt."
+Aw, Dad... We've got what people never get, a second chance.
+Yeah, there's so many things we can...
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call you. Or send you some fruit.
+Look Grampa, you're already getting a new neighbor.
+Hi, I'm Zelda.
+I put the "ass" in assisted living.
+Holy mac...
+Abe Simpson's the name, and now that you're here, I'm changing my instructions to "do resuscitate."
+Now, let me show you around. Over there are the preppies.
+And over there's the comatose...
+And the cool comatose...
+Hey, who's the tall drink of Maalox?
+Are you young ladies here to visit your mothers?
+That's Zack. He's as smooth as a fifty-year-old behind.
+Who wants to go get some sweet corn in my minivan?
+It's got a wheelchair lift.
+If you can drive, they're all over ya.
+I used to drive, but they pulled my license.
+Is this the Dairy Queen?
+But Zelda, if you're lookin' for somethin' with a big back seat and a lotta gas, I'm your man.
+You've never heard Garrison Keillor till you've heard him through five speakers.
+You sunk my Scrabbleship!
+This game makes no sense.
+Tell that to the good men who just lost their lives.
+Semper fi.
+I wanna drive again!
+You? No way. It's too dangerous.
+Well, you're no angel behind the wheel. What about your D.U.I.?
+That was a D.W.I.
+Give Grampa a chance. Statistics show that old people drive at least as well as sleep-deprived apes.
+Please, son. Driving is my last chance to feel alive.
+Well, you brought me into this world, so no.
+Fine, I'm dead.
+Dad, get up.
+No, I'm dead.
+Grampa, come on.
+Dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead...
+All right, Grampa. I'll help you get your license back.
+Woo hoo! And I want driving gloves!
+No way.
+Dead, dead, dead, dead...
+First of all, I'd like to ask if anyone has any questions.
+Yeah where's the men's room?
+It's down the hall.
+Okay, now let's pretend that we're going for a drive.
+Leo, slow down! That looks like a nice place to eat! Carla's daughter works in that building!
+You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.
+Makes you think, eh Chief?
+Not really.
+Grampa's here to get his driver's license.
+Okay, look at the eye chart and cover your left eye.
+That's my seein' eye. The right one's my winkin' eye.
+I'll give you your license if you never do that again.
+Everything's the last time I do everything.
+Can't you just use this recent photo?
+Eh, all right.
+Here ya go.
+Woo hoo!
+Who's laughing now? Shut up!
+What's the scoop, milkshakes?
+I got me a date with Zelda, so I need the car.
+Oh, no. I'm not giving you my car. You'll probably drive it.
+You don't trust your old man? You ungrateful milkshake.
+Why don't we double date? Then the restaurant will have to give us that booth.
+Wow, a booth. If I'm tired, I can just lie down!
+Cut it out. I can work the brakes myself.
+No you can't.
+You're slow to react, Dad.
+Baloney.
+Woo! This is the best party of my life!
+Bro, you tapped the septic tank!
+Dude sure got his comeuppance.
+In real life he would die.
+Oh, Abe.
+Oh, Zelda.
+Hey, watch the movie.
+Movies were better in our day. For a nickel you got two movies, a cartoon, a bag of popcorn, and a whuppin'. Kept your mind on your business.
+Hop in, beautiful.
+Now, there's a few things I wanna say to you, Zelda.
+Save your breath. Seriously.
+Well, I gotta do something before the Viagra kicks in. I know, I'll suck my teeth. Whoa, here we go.
+Give me those keys. Do you have any idea what you put us through? I called the police, the hospital, my bookie, the kennel... Okay, this isn't about who I called.
+See you later, I'm going to the library.
+Lisa gets to do what she wants and you don't yell at her.
+Hey, I've earned their trust.
+Oh, everybody trusts Lisa. Precious little Lisa, apple of her Daddy's eye.
+Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some... hoochie.
+She's no hoochie. Her name is Zelda and she understands me.
+Grampa, I gotta tell ya, she's a stone-cold hoochie.
+Straight up, Marge. That hoochie only likes you because you can drive.
+Shut up! You don't know her! Zelda loves me! I HATE THIS HOUSE!
+Turn that down! You call that music? I-- I just don't know what to do.
+He used to be such an angel. Maybe you should give him another chance.
+No, he's gotta learn, Marge. The way my dad made me learn.
+He is your dad.
+Cosmic.
+Hey, Abe, what are you doing here?
+We heard you lost your driving privileges.
+Well for your information, I can still drive to the store. But I have to be back in five minutes with these things for the baby.
+Oh, gentlemen! The new scratch-and-win tickets are out today.
+I'll take one, Achoo.
+Not "Choo," "Pu."
+I got trouble with both.
+Finally, the shakes are workin' for me!
+Pardon me, sir...
+Your scrapings have landed on my jacket from Planet Hollywood, Orlando.
+So what if it did?
+So, it is very thoughtless.
+I should cut you like I cut sodium out of my diet.
+You don't scare me with your dignity and your subtle cologne.
+Then perhaps you should be taught a lesson by us, Los Souvenir Jacquitos.
+Bring it on.
+Please gentlemen, violence is not the answer.
+Then what is?
+Some sort of death race? That's what I would do.
+Very well, viejo. You shall have your death race.
+Death race?
+And another thing: no death races!
+Aw, I better not.
+Cheek-a, cheek-a, cheek-a...
+Cheek-a, cheek-a, cheek-a...
+Cheek-a, cheek-a, cheek-a...
+Fine. I'll meet you at the abandoned aqueduct!
+For the death race!
+Yes, the death race.
+All right, seniors and señors. Whichever car makes it through that tunnel first is the winner.
+But it's only big enough for one car.
+What are you scared of, old man?
+Everything. Dogs, Dutchmen, the gathering darkness...
+All right, when I yank down my girlfriend's tube top, the race will begin.
+What? I'm just trying to bring you into my world. Just go.
+Aieee! Zapata del Diablo!
+Ich vinch eich gezunt!
+Old friend, your jacket, she burns!
+Then I burn with her. For I would rather die than have people not know what stores I have been to.
+Woo hoo! We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!
+My beard! I broke my beard!
+Oh my God! We can't let Homer know!
+Oh, that is it! Abraham J. Simpson, you are never driving again!
+I can't believe I cracked up my only set of wheels.
+Go home.
+Put on a smile, high-pants. I've got a surprise for you. I've booked us a room for the weekend in Branson, Missoura. The Grits Carlton Hotel!
+Oh, that's great, uh... but there's a slight hitch. Ya see, ah, I'm temporarily between cars...
+But we don't need anything to have fun but ourselves.
+GIMME THAT OLD TIME FUN / GIMME THAT OLD TIME FUN / GIMME THAT OLD TIME FUN / THE KIND WHERE WE STAY HOME...
+Zelda, may I offer you a lift?
+Don't feel bad, Abe. I'll always think of you as my friend without a car.
+Don't go, Zelda! I love you!
+Zelda, I'm gonna make you forget about your grandchildren.
+What'll I do?
+Hey, Grampa. Stealing Mom's car?
+Yeah, it's the only way to win back Zelda. And if I go to prison, I'll get better food and more hugs.
+Uh, it's actually blue wire to yellow wire.
+Hot diggity dodge.
+Next stop, Branson, Missoura.
+Can I tag along?
+Sure, why not? School ain't helpin' ya.
+Ah, I hate this hippie crap.
+And now W-O-M-B, warm and safe radio, takes you back to the golden age of radio theater...
+It's the "Itchy and Scratchy Hour." Presented by Hansen's Mustache Wax. The mustache wax Hitler doesn't use.
+As we join tonight's adventure, we find Itchy at the counter of his butcher shop.
+Heya, Scratchy.
+Aggh! Aggh! Aggh! You're grinding my head!
+During the war, Eleanor Roosevelt was the voice of Scratchy.
+The lady knows funny.
+First he wrecks your car, then he steals mine. Your father's out of control.
+Oh sure, when he does something bad, he's my father.
+He must have dropped this.
+So You've Settled for Branson.
+We've gotta go after them.
+But how? Branson is a thousand miles away and we've got no car.
+Oh, that was lucky.
+Come on, boys.
+Uh, we'll wait for the next one.
+What are those, Grampa?
+These are hobo signs. They're to tell other hobos if a place is friendly or not.
+That one means good vittles...
+Sexy daughter...
+Mass hobo grave in cellar...
+Here we are: Branson, Missouri!
+No pally, This is Bronson, Missouri.
+Well, how do we get to Branson?
+Number ten bus.
+Hey ma, how 'bout some cookies?
+No dice.
+This ain't over.
+There it is!
+That's the glitziest "Welcome To" sign ever.
+Okay, keep an eye peeled for Zelda.
+Is that her?
+Is that her?
+Is that her?
+Is that her?
+No! Wait, it was the second one.
+Zelda, baby, it's me!
+Two seniors, please.
+Oh no, he's takin' her to the hottest matinée in town.
+C'mon, boy After 'em.
+"REMEMBER THE STARS YOU LOVED YESTERDAY / WHERE DID THEY GO, DID THEY ALL PASS AWAY?
+WAS IT DRUGS OR A CAR CRASH OR FACE LIFT GONE WRONG?
+NO, THEY'RE RIGHT HERE IN BRANSON AND SINGING THIS SONG..."
+"MY NAME IS CHARO, I SHAKE MY MARACAS..."
+"REMEMBER ME, FOOL? I WAS B.A. BARRACAS..."
+WE'RE THE PERFORMERS YOU THOUGHT WERE DEAD / LIKE BONNIE FRANKLIN...AND ADRIAN ZMED...,were the performers you thought were dead like bonnie franklinand adrian zmed,12
+81725,282,280,(Stage: Ext. stage - wide shot),1075000,false,,856,,Stage,,,
+81726,282,281,Revue Cast Members: / BRANSON'S THE PLACE / WE CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND / THEY TOOK NICK AT NIGHT / AND MADE IT A TOWN.
+"YOU CAN CALL ME 'RAY' OR YOU CAN CALL ME 'JAY' / JUST DON'T CALL ME WASHED UP, I DO THREE SHOWS A DAY..."
+"CHARLIE CALLAS DOESN'T SLEEP IN THE GROUND / YES, I'M STILL ALIVE, AND I'M MAKING MY SOUNDS..."
+SO SIT BACK, RELAX, AND WATCH OUR REVUE...
+IN SOVIET UNION, REVUE WATCHES YOU!
+Tennessee Ernie Ford! Now I know you're dead.
+No, you just think I'm dead.
+No, you're dead. I was your biggest fan. Look, I clipped your obituary.
+Let's take a quick gambling break. A little action will really sharpen our senses.
+All gone.
+Mom, there's no gambling in Branson. It was designed as a family destination.
+Oh, no. There's gambling. We just have to find it.
+Look Mom, it's your car. Grampa and Bart must be in that theater!
+Betcha they're not! Three to one. How much you got?
+Mom, you're hurting me.
+Grampa, look over there.
+It's Captain Bringdown and the Buzzkillers. If you're gonna make your move, you better do it quick.
+Wait! Stop the music!
+I've driven hundreds of miles to say something very special to someone in this audience tonight.
+Awww...
+Zelda, will you come up here?
+Drive me, Abe. Drive me!
+I just wanna say... we're through! Nobody dumps Abe Simpson! You're nothin' but a hoochie! Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie!
+Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie!
+Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie!
+Now, I'd like my son to come up here.
+Son, can you forgive an old fool?
+Only in public.
+Now let's go home.
+In Russia, stage is for performers only.
+This has been a Gracie Films pray-sentation!
+Bill... bill...
+Homer, you got a letter. Hm. It's from the library.
+Overdue book?! This is the biggest frame-up since O.J. Wait a minute... blood in the Bronco... the cuts on his hand... those Jay Leno monologues... Oh my God, he did it!
+Here's the book... "Classics for Children?"
+Oh yeah, I checked that out when Bart was born. I was gonna read to him every day.
+What happened?
+Stuff kept comin' up -- mostly car-related. Piece of crap...
+Why don't you read to us now?
+I decide who reads and when. How 'bout now?
+Hm, "Homer's Odyssey." Is this about that mini-van I rented once?
+No Dad. It's an epic tale from ancient Greece.
+That mini-van had the biggest cup holders. And change slots for every coin, from penny to quarter!
+Dad, I loved it, too, but it was seven years ago.
+It was the end of the Trojan War. Clever Odysseus had come up with a plan to destroy the Trojans once and for all...
+Hi-O-diddily-ysseus!
+Stupid King of Troy. I think I speak for all the Greeks when I say this war has gone on for too long.
+I'll say. I'd really like to go out and get the mail.
+Anyway, over torture, one of your soldiers mentioned that you collect giant wooden animals. We hope you don't have a horse.
+Well... I don't have one from you!
+Bring it in!
+Now, throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.
+Trojans.
+What are you laughing at, Dad?
+If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny. Anyway... "As night fell, the Greek soldiers crept from the wooden horse..."
+Aw, look at 'em, sleeping like little angels. Spare no one.
+Remember, just 'cause their heads are off, it don't mean they're dead.
+Now, I can return to Ithaca, and my sweet wife Penelope.
+Odysseus, do not forget to thank the gods for our victory with an appropriate animal sacrifice.
+Forget it. Sacrificing animals is barbaric. Now have the slaves kill the wounded.
+No sacrifice? We'll teach that mortal to trifle with the gods.
+I got it.
+You fat lush! You just destroyed Atlantis!
+You used to be fun. Where's the Zeus who used to turn into a cow and pick up chicks?
+He grew up. Maybe you should too. Poseidon, you take care of Odysseus.
+Yarrr, I'll send him farrrr... off course.
+Greece is the word!
+Is it "vase" or "vase" ?
+You gonna be askin' that the whole trip?
+Gentlemen, I must be wasted, 'cause it looks like that cloud is mad at me.
+ON THE ISLAND, ISLAND OF SIRENS / OUR HOT SEX WILL LEAVE YOU PERSPIRIN'...
+Hey, that's kinda catchy.
+It's comin' from that island. Let's steer heedlessly towards it.
+Heedlessly it is.
+THE FETA IS CHEESY / THE SIRENS ARE EASY...
+Boy, if they kiss as good as they lure... wow!
+ON THE ISLAND, WE'LL SEX YOU UP!
+ISLAND OF...SIRENS!
+Oh God, they're hideous! / Woof! / Woof!
+Someone gouge my eyes!
+Save me from the ladies!
+It's been so many years since I've seen your father. I hope he's still the magnificent physical specimen he was when he left.
+Mom, maybe it's time to choose a suitor.
+Discus Stu has Ouzo for twozo.
+I'll leave you guys alone.
+Discus Stu was talkin' to you.
+Oh, where could your father be?
+Almost home!
+Ain't I a stinker?
+Welcome to my island. I am Circe, the sorceress.
+Boy, who decided to give every weirdo an island?
+You must be thirsty. Drink from my cauldron.
+Well, I was in the mood for something bubbling.
+Outta the way, Slim.
+Thanks for your help with the anchor, guys. Guys?
+That pig looks like Lenny.
+Mmm! That's the next best thing to eating Lenny.
+I'm still hungry.
+Didn't you eat enough of your friends?
+Those were my friends?!
+Yes, I've been saying that for hours.
+That's it, I'm going home. Which way to Ithaca?
+It's not so easy. You must go through Hades, crossing the river Styx.
+YOU'RE MY LA-DY / OF THE MOR-NING... /
+This truly is Hell!
+Okay, it has been twenty years, and you suitors have been very patient.
+We've been beyond patient!
+When we came here Helen of Troy was hot. Now look at her.
+This is the face that launched a thousand ships. The other way!
+Honey, I'm home!
+Well, look who the Fates dragged in.
+Oh, I'm sorry I was gone so long. But I'm gonna do something I haven't done for twenty years -- take out the trash.
+Sweet Penelope, you're just as beautiful as you were when I left.
+Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
+Awww...
+Brave Odysseus, it has been twenty long years. Regale me with tales of your adventures.
+Quit suffocating me. I'm going to Moe's.
+Oh, here's the story of Joan of Arc...
+Ooh, did you say Joan Van Ark?
+No, Mom. Joan of Arc.
+It's never Joan Van Ark.
+This one takes place in a make-believe kingdom called "France..."
+...The French were fighting the English, in The Hundred Years War, which was then called "Operation Speedy Resolution."
+Son, how's it going with the breakfast pâté?
+I'm on it.
+Bartrand, where is your sister Joan? Morning bells are ringing. Morning bells are ringing!
+She's talking to her invisible friend. God.
+...and please bless Mama and Papa and Bartrand and Coco Chanel...
+Joan of Arc, I am your God.
+I have chosen you to lead the French army to victory over the English invaders.
+But I'm just a little girl.
+I know -- I have three eyes. Now get cracking.
+God wants you to lead the French army to what?
+Victory.
+Victory? We're French! We don't even have a word for it.
+God spoke to me -- I must obey.
+Joan, give me your dessert.
+That's just you, Bart.
+Joan, give me your dessert.
+Yes, sir.
+Oh, that's going straight to my five thighs.
+All right, garçons. Trois, deux, un!
+No, un. You know, French for "one."
+Well, you keep switching back between French and English.
+Just fire the damn thing.
+Sacré Bleeeuu!
+My fault this time. I didn't tuck in my legs.
+Wait! I have been sent to lead the French army to victory.
+Oh, really? And how are you gonna do that?
+With modern ideas -- like putting bigger, harder people in the catapults. Or how 'bout rocks?
+I don't know how to feel just now.
+And now... attack!
+Uh, shouldn't we help her?
+Yeah, right behind ya, Lou.
+Uh oh, there's my supervisor.
+'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What's all this then? It's a little bird with a knife, idn't it?
+Wha' a thing to 'appen.
+We welcome our savior, Joan of Arc. It is customary to kneel before the king.
+I would gladly kneel -- were you the real king!
+You are the true Dauphin. You had this impostor try to fool me, to see if I was truly sent by God.
+Bravo, Joan of Arc. You are as brainsome as you are toothsome.
+Quimbé, you may resume your regular duties now.
+It would be my pleasure.
+Vibrate for me, footstool.
+Loyal subjects, let us drink to Joan of Arc, who will conquer the English...
+And has already conquered my heart.
+Uh, God says we should just be friends.
+I wouldn't say King Milhouse is a loser, but that's the twelfth girl he struck out with this week.
+Boil him in oil!
+So no ten-thirty show?
+Let us kill the English! Their concept of individual rights could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants!
+They're attacking again.
+I thought we had a truce.
+Just because you keep saying it, doesn't make it so.
+/ My word.
+You can't stop me! I was sent by God!
+I want my Mommy!
+I captured a wee girl. I'm the greatest hero in English history!
+Joan of Arc, you are accused of heresy, witchcraft, and that man told me you pushed him.
+I would like to call my only witness: almighty God.
+I told this maiden to lead the French to victory.
+Wait a minute, you two-timin' spot of light. You told me to lead the English to victory.
+Is that true, Lord?
+Well, I never thought the two of you would be in the same room actually. Ha. This is a little embarrassing. Goodbye now.
+That was weird. Let's burn her!
+Don't burn her! She's just an innocent child!
+Burn this guy! He lost our good bucket!
+Joan, renounce your faith! Save yourself!
+Don't worry, beloved parents. God won't let anything happen to me.
+Huh. Getting kind of hot around here.
+What happened, Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they?
+Of course they didn't, honey.
+"Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end."
+Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.
+Our next story is "Hamlet," by William Shakespeare.
+Dad, these old stories can't compare with our modern super-writers. Stephen Bochco could kick Shakespeare's ass.
+Look, this story is more interesting than you think. It starts with Hamlet's father getting murdered.
+Cool. Does he get to marry his Mom?
+I don't know, but that would be hot. "Once upon a time there was a young prince of Denmark."
+Hamlet... avenge me!
+Yes, I have returned from the dead.
+Looks like you've returned from the buffet.
+Why you little...
+My son, I have some shocking news. I was murdered. Murdered, I tells ya!
+Really?
+Behold, as I slept, your Uncle Claudius poured poison in my ear... poison most foul...so he could marry your mother and become the King.
+Yeah, that was quite a weekend.
+Now you must avenge me. Avenge me!
+I'unno. Surprise me! Surprise me!
+Could that fat ghost be telling the truth? First I've got to get Uncle Claudius to confess, then I've gotta kill him.
+It's cold outside. You'll need a sweater. A sweater!
+...And if your idea of a first date is burning down her village, you just might be a Viking.
+That's what I get for sitting up front, eh?
+I love these jesters. They're exactly what I need to forget about my first husband.
+Yeah, I really miss the old guy. It was all I could do to put on his jewels.
+And score with his wife every night. Hey, how ya doin', kid? Nice to see ya.
+No, last week they became Vertiqual.
+Now we would like to warn you, our performances tend to make audience members blurt out hidden secrets.
+Hoo, boy.
+Aha! "Methinks the play's the thing / wherein I'll catch the conscience of the King."
+Catch my conscience!? What?
+You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy.
+Okay, well I'll do a soliloquy too. Note to self: "Kill that kid."
+Okay, we're gonna open it up with a little improv. Somebody shout out a location.
+This castle!
+OK. How about an occupation?
+Usurper of the throne!
+I think I heard "usurper of the throne." Now finally, I need an object.
+Ear poison!
+Hey uh, do you have diarrhea? I-I have diarrhea.
+Sit down.
+Wait a minute! I didn't use that much poison.
+I mean I didn't use that much poi, son. At the royal luau.
+Daddy, it's true! Uncle Claudius murdered you!
+Oh great, now Hamlet's acting crazy. Well, nobody out-crazies Ophelia! Hey, nonny, nonny, with a hoo and a haw and a nonny, nonny, hey...
+Hamlet! What'd I tell you about running with swords?
+Someone's behind the curtain. It could be Claudius. Only one way to find out...
+Polonius? What are you doing behind the curtain?
+I hide behind curtains 'cause I have a fear of getting stabbed.
+Daddy's stomach is crying!
+Laertes, you gotta do a special big-boy job for daddy. I need you to avenge my death.
+I like ba-venging.
+I'm gonna kill Hamlet. Here's my mad face.
+Wow, everything is so high-tech.
+Ha. Ha. Cute kid. But, just in case you don't kill Hamlet, I put some poison on the food, on the drapes, even on Rosen-Carl and Guilden-Lenny here.
+If Hamlet touches either of us, he's dead.
+Boo-yeah!
+Ah, now Hamlet, you know the rules. Laertes here gets uh one practice stab.
+Oh, boy!
+Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.
+Now there's nothing to stop me from getting my vengeance.
+You sure you don't want a nice piece of fish, or to finger the drapes a little?
+This ends here!
+Remember me as a peace maker.
+And now to celebrate life.
+Bloody floor!
+No way I'm cleaning up this mess.
+And that's the greatest thing ever written.
+Are you crazy? I can't believe a play where every character was murdered could be so boring.
+Son, it's not only a great play, but also became a great movie. Called "Ghostbusters."
+Tee one up for me, catty.
+Sure thing, mousy.
+Nice follow-through...
+Now that's what I call a "moon shot."
+Now that's what I call a moon shot.
+Dad, that line was in the cartoon.
+I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
+Our phone bill is four hundred dollars! They charged us for a call to Brazil.
+Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil?
+No sir, I didn't.
+Choke on your lies!
+Homer! They must have made a mistake. We'll just go down to the phone company and straighten it out.
+Which phone company? There are hundreds of them. And they all keep changing their names.
+Uh, I think we're with Comquaaq.
+No, I think it's Niagular.
+Dialing Murray Hill 5-6309.
+So I says to Myrna, I says, "that guy's a bum!"
+Ooh, that's the Movie Phone guy.
+The movie we've selected plays at 8 PM, at Springfield Cinema 6. Thank you for dating Mr. Movie Phone. Our evening will be rated "R" for brief nudity.
+Ma'am, would you be interested in changing your long distance service?
+Huh, what? She hung up on me. What did I do?
+Hello. I'm your customer service rep, Lindsay Naegle.
+We've met you many times, Ms. Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs?
+I'm a sexual predator.
+Now, how may I best dispense with you today?
+We've been charged for calls to Brazil that we didn't make.
+We are not paying this bill.
+Fine, I'll cut off your service.
+Fine, I'll cut off your ponytail.
+Marge, it's called negotiating.
+Ooo, fascinating.
+I need to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone.
+We're not paying our bill, so the phone company shut off our service.
+Why must you fight with every utility?
+I told you, I have too much time on my hands.
+Homer, we were cleaning out a cooling duct at the plant and found a box of old taco shells!
+Why didn't you call me?
+Oh we tried. But a recording said you were a bunch of deadbeats.
+That's it. They have awoken a sleeping giant.
+Homer, what are you going to do?
+Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme...
+Get me tools and beer.
+Free service, here we come.
+All right, let's try the red one.
+Okay, I'll try the green.
+Let's try the red one again.
+Not again! Ow! Let's try 'em together.
+Maybe the red one...
+How did I get here?
+We found you smoldering in the bushes.
+That's it. We're just going to have to pay for that call to Brazil.
+What call to Brazil?
+The one I didn't make and Marge didn't make and Bart didn't make and hence no one in the house made.
+You made that call? But you're the good one.
+Yeah, the one we both like.
+Why did you do it?
+Please don't be mad. I've been sponsoring an orphan boy in Brazil.
+Oh, aren't you sweet? Sharing your allowance with a poor Brazilian boy.
+Don't you know the boys from Brazil are little Hitlers? I saw it in a movie. Whose name I can't remember.
+Ronaldo used to send me a letter every month, but then they stopped. That's why I called the orphanage, but they said he'd disappeared.
+How come you talked for four hundred dollars?
+Well, then they started pressuring me for more donations. And you can't hang up on a nun.
+That's right. They have powers.
+When I sent my first donation, the charity mailed me this video.
+Hi, Lisa. Thank you for your donation. Because of your generosity, I bought sturdy shoes that will last for a thousand sambas.
+He's so adorable. Can we have another baby?
+No way. I still haven't lost the weight I put on from the last one.
+I said forget it!
+And with the money left over, the orphanage was able to buy a door.
+Now the monkeys cannot bite me. Uh-oh.
+I am like sugar to them.
+Oh, that poor little boy. We've got to find him.
+How many people live in Brazil?
+A hundred and fifty-six million.
+Well, we've got to find him! What? I'm really concerned. Fine, I want to meet monkeys.
+I don't know, it's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
+Not if we buy our tickets on the internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City, and East St. Louis, spend a night in a haunted house and leave right now.
+Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil.
+Then I'll have been on every continent.
+Except Antarctica.
+The Simpsons are going to Antarctica. Next year. This year, Brazil.
+Okay, here's some travel tips: only drink bottled water... don't get into an unlicensed taxi... and remember, they have winter during our summer.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So in August... it's cold?
+That's right.
+And in February... it's hot?
+Mm-hmm.
+So it's opposite land. Crooks chase cops, cats have puppies...
+No Dad, it's just the weather.
+So hot snow falls up?
+Woo hoo!
+Get ready, Brazil. I now speak fluent Spanish.
+Well done Bart, but in Brazil they speak Portuguese.
+Ay caramba, que mujer tonta! Veinte horas estudiar por nada!
+Forget every word, boy. It's useless.
+But Homer...
+This is your Captain speaking. The local temperature in Rio de Janeiro is hot, hot, hot, with a hundred per cent chance of passion.
+Bernardo, you make that joke every time.
+It was that joke that made you fall in love with me.
+Hey Maggie, how ya doin' back there?
+Oh, so helpless.
+Look, it's the giant statue of Christ on Corcovado.
+Wow. It's like He's on the dashboard of the entire country.
+It says here we can get anywhere we want by taking a conga line.
+Way ahead of you, Marge.
+TAKE ME TO THE HOTEL / MY HANDS ARE ON A GUY'S ASS / BOY THIS DUDE MUST WORK OUT...
+Hey! Hey!
+Boy, they sure love soccer here.
+Look Marge, I'm Brazilian.
+How to Loot Brazil?
+I got it, I got, I got it.
+Bart, what are you watching?
+Kids' show.
+Ribbeet-o. Ribbeet-o.
+Too-key! Too-key! Too-key! Too-key! Too-key!
+Bert and Ernie left it to your imagination.
+Look, the room came with a fruit hat.
+Hey, and a mini-bar hat.
+I'M CHIQUITA BANANA / AND I'M HERE TO SAY...
+...I WILL EAT THIS TOBLERONE / AND I WILL NOT PAY!
+While you're singing and dancing, somewhere out there Ronaldo is waiting to be found.
+There he is! It-- Oh wait, you said brown hair, right?
+What a charming neighborhood.
+Mom, these are slums. The government just painted them bright colors so the tourists wouldn't be offended.
+Works for me.
+Yeah, check out the rats.
+Ooh, they look like Skittles.
+Here we are!
+123 Papaya Street -- this is Ronaldo's orphanage.
+Excuse me, we're looking for this little boy.
+Ah yes, Ronaldo. He went out months ago and we haven't heard from him since. Every day we light a candle for him.
+Have you tried looking for him?
+That's plan B.
+We're never gonna find him.
+Now Lisa, it's not as bleak as that. Can you fly me over town to look for him?
+We nuns cannot fly.
+Oh, too much junk in the trunk, eh?
+Have some meat on a sword, Lisa. It'll cheer you up.
+You know I'm a vegetarian.
+But you're on vacation, honey. I'm not wearing my wedding ring!
+Okay, on this map I marked all the places that Ronaldo liked to go. If we split up, we should be able to search them all.
+We'll do our best, honey. Now let's get goin'.
+Check please.
+Ah, si?
+Does that include tip?
+Ah, si!
+Hey look, there's Copacabana beach. The heart and soul or Rio.
+Excuse me, Americans...
+How did you know?!
+There is a dress code on this beach. But we can help you.
+I feel so European.
+Mine keeps disappearing. Oh, well.
+I hope they're goin' somewhere good.
+Okay boy, let's strut our stuff. I GO TO RIO") I'M IN RIO / AND I'M WALKING ON THE BEACH / I'M IN MY SPEEDO...
+Excuse me, we think this boy might be here.
+Okay, this is a samba school, this is not a lost and found.
+This is where we invented the lambada and the macarena. We are now developing our most powerful dance: the Penetrada. It makes sex look like a church.
+I don't think my daughter should hear this.
+You can't protect her forever! You stupid lady.
+Gimme a drink with all your sweetest Brazilian fruits mixed together.
+Here you go.
+Sweet. Sweet! SWEET!
+Ahhh...
+There's gotta be a million kids here. We'll never find Ronaldo.
+Ronaldo?!
+You know him?
+No, no. I was just distracting you while my children robbed you.
+Aw, look at all the stuffed coatimundi.
+I bet Maggie would like one.
+I'll just get her this bracelet.
+Everything here is something.
+Hey, Bart. How many more places do we have to search?
+Just one, and it's across town.
+My American friend, I'm afraid that this is a kidnapping.
+So that means I don't have to pay the fare.
+I suppose.
+Woo hoo!
+I'm afraid you don't appreciate the seriousness of the situation.
+Fine. Take me, but let the boy go.
+I'm afraid he has already gone.
+All right family, who can guess what's different about dinner tonight?
+Eh, same old garbage!
+This guy's always on!
+Oh, you two! We're eating genetically modified vegetables! Look how big they are.
+This corn doesn't look so big.
+That's baby corn.
+American corporations should stop playing God with nature.
+There's nothing to be afraid of. They're all grown by the vegetable division of Union Carbide.
+Mom, my potato is eating a carrot!
+That's it. From now on I'm growing all our vegetables myself.
+Go away! Go away!
+Whatcha doing, Mom?
+I've tried heckling them, I've tried jeckling them, it's time I made myself a scarecrow.
+Go away! Go away!
+We believe in God, the father almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth...
+Shoo! Shoo!
+Heaven and earth... Where were we? Oh, now I'm lost.
+Yeah! I did it! Marge is in the house! Or, I will be soon. 'Cause it needs some cleaning!
+I'll regroup at Red Lobster!
+You ain't pretty no more!
+Aw, look. I've made some friends. And now, go do my bidding... whatever it may be!
+So Lisa says by killing their enemy, I became the alpha-crow.
+I gotta admit, I-I'm kinda nervous, here. We haven't seen Barney since they enveloped him.
+I'm sure he'll turn up. Look, here's one of his buttons.
+All right, that's it. Get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow bar.
+This is a crowbar!
+See? They got the little stools and everything.
+There's Russell Crow, Cameron Crow, Crow Diddly, Hume Crow-nyn, Gregory Peck...
+Homer, I'm very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
+It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
+I'm sleeping on the couch.
+Drop it in, don't cram it in. Oh, forget it, I'll do it myself.
+Awww, look, Maggie wants to fly too.
+Hey, cut it out! Put her down!
+Oh, thank God you're okay.
+Okay, that was not cool. We need to lay down some ground rules--
+Caw! Caw!
+We'll get to that. Right now, I think we need some time apart--
+Caw! Caw! Caw!
+All right, that's it. Shoo, you stupid crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
+That is not a worm.
+Ow! Ow!
+I hate getting stitches in my eyes. Stupid crows.
+Don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you. They were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.
+Hm, fascinating. Say doctor, can you do something about my searing pain?
+Well, there is a medication, although it's a little... controversial.
+Does it go in the butt?
+I'm talkin' about medicinal marijuana. Prescription pot. Texas T-H-C.
+Look, man. I don't do drugs.
+Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic. You're not afraid, are you?
+I had a bad experience with drugs...
+It was that golden weekend between Summer school and regular school...
+Hey Homer, wanna smoke some marijuana?
+They say it's a gateway drug.
+Well, well...if it isn't the Doobie Brothers.
+Uh-oh! Crotch the weed, man!
+Smell any drugs, Sgt. Scraps?
+For me, the sixties ended that day in nineteen seventy-eight.
+But Homer, you can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.
+But isn't marijuana, or "dope," illegal?
+Only for those who enjoy it. Medical use of marijuana is legal in this state. We'll also provide you with a prescription bong.
+You want the wizard or the skull?
+Okay, let's see: "Toke as needed. Caution: objects may appear more edible than they actually are."
+What's that billowing down the stairs? It's smoke!
+It smells like the art teacher's office.
+SMOKE ON THE WATER / DOO DOO DOO DOO / DOO DOO DOO DOO / DOO DOO DOO / DOO DOO
+THEY BURNED DOWN THE GAMBLING HOUSE - IT DIED WITH AN AWFUL SOUND / I AM HUNGRY FOR A CAN-DY BAR / I THINK I'LL EAT A "MOUNDS"...
+Homer, you're doing drugs!
+And now I'm guilty of possession! I could go to prison! Unless I testify against you...
+Marge, it's making my eyes better, and it's legal.
+I could walk up to the President and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it.
+Marge, I just realized: I am the "ow" in the word "now". And if you tell anyone...
+Honey, I like it when you call, but we just talked five minutes ago. Hang on, I've got call waiting.
+Hey, it's me. I got Marge on the other line and she is totally bumming me out.
+Dad, I thought you didn't like her saxophone.
+I didn't. But now Daddy's special medicine...
+Which you must never use because it will ruin your life, lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience. Ever.
+Dad, it's one a.m. And I'm out of saliva.
+Sh-sh-sh.
+Hidilly-hey, Homer!
+Oh my God, this dude does the best Flanders! You got the mustache and the didilly... Okay, now do Wiggum.
+Homer, i-i-it's me, Ned.
+Oh-ho-ho-ho right, the God dude. Hey, I got a question for you.
+"Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot, that He Himself could not eat it?"
+Well, sir, of course He could... but then again... Wow, as melon-scratchers go, that's a honey-doodle.
+Now you know what I've been goin' through.
+Well, luckily, I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers.
+Oh man, this is long. Could you read it to me?
+I guess that could be arranged.
+...The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. The End.
+Wow. Wow. God does so much for me. And he doesn't ask anything in return.
+Well, I know he's wishin' you'd sign his petition...to re-criminalize medicinal marijuana.
+Done and done. Now, do Wiggum.
+Well, okay... I, I guess it would go something like this: All right, Simpson, you're under arrest, see?
+I said Wiggum!
+"And so, potential investors..."
+"...I hope you don't think our IPO is an IPU." Then I hold my nose thusly. What do you think, Smithers?
+A bit of a downer, sir.
+Well, I hope the investors like it. I have to raise sixty million dollars or we're out of business.
+Why is that, sir?
+I told you, I pissed it away. Oh, don't make that face.
+Yes, that's the one!
+Smithers, I need someone who laughs at all my jokes. You know, honest feedback.
+Oops! I thought this was the can, man.
+Well, you're a Happy Homer. What's your name, young man?
+You just said it!
+Well, if you liked that, listen to this: "Working hard... or hardly working?"
+Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
+Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me...
+Oh Smithers, I would have said anything to get your stem cells. Now, welcome aboard.
+You're covered with a very fine fuzz.
+Hardly working...
+Where did you get that suit?
+Whoa, whoa, one question at a time. Yes, you?
+Look, I'm really starting to worry. There's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere, we're all out of paperclips, and the curtains smell like doob!
+Oh, yeah? Well, I've got news for you. I just got promoted and it's all thanks to "Yes-I-cannabis."
+We have a kitchen?!
+Oh now where are those three chandelier hangers I hired?
+You mutton heads, this is why we can never hold down a job!
+Look at Shemp! He is so high!
+Whoa-ho-ho-ho. Hey, "Shemp" is "hemp" spelled backwards.
+And "Otto" is "Otto" backwards.
+Now I'm scared.
+Homie, I don't mean to nag, but what does this have to do with healing your eyes?
+As soon as I graduate, I am so outta here.
+This just in: the Marijuana Re-Criminalization Initiative took another step forward today as supporters collected the final signatures required to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's election.
+We gotta get out and stop that initiative. Marge, I'm gonna need ten thousand veggie burritos.
+No guac in mine.
+Good night, Homer.
+Dude, your mom is hot.
+Okay, okay, hold on, hold on. I smell marijuana smoke. That better be medicinal.
+If Phish don't see a prescription slip, we are outta here.
+We can wait all night, people.
+Here we go. Whoa, this guy is seriously ill.
+My doctor never told me that. I had to hear it from Phish.
+A-one, a-two, a-you-know-what-to-do.
+Thank you. And now, a man who's a real poth-ead ... I'm sorry, pothead... Homer Simpson!
+Good afternoon. I want to thank you all for coming down here, taking time off from your jobs...
+/ Jobs? / What?
+'Cause we need to keep medical marijuana legal!
+/ Yes! Yes!
+Whether you suffer from glaucoma, or you just rented "The Matrix," medical marijuana can make things fabulous. Medically.
+So my mellow fellow citizens, when you go into that voting booth on Tuesday the seventh...
+Uh, Homer? That-that was yesterday.
+Oh man, they already voted. And we lost!
+Oh, man, I can't believe we spaced on the date.
+What are we gonna do?
+Well, we can't just stand here staring at our hands.
+Although, wow!
+Oh, that's right. I married that chick.
+They call 'em fingers, but I never see them fing. Oh, there they go.
+There we go, dump all that medical marijuana on there.
+/ Whoa...
+Actually, that smoke is a little too inviting. Ah, throw on that sack of barber hair.
+Oh, I could have smoked that pot. And worn that hair.
+Homie, you don't need drugs anymore. Your eyes are all better.
+Eyes? What the hell are you talkin' about?
+I want my old Dad back. The one who was yelling all the time and... you know, I'm not really sure what I want.
+Homer, it's over. I want you to look at your children and promise them you will never do drugs again.
+All right. I'll do it for my kids.
+As long as you're doin' things for me, would you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house.
+Yeah, I can still crash here, right?
+Get out.
+Remember when I dropped my keys and, and you thought the phone was ringin'?
+Oh, yeah. Get out.
+What's the matter, Homer? You're drunk but you're not like sloppy drunk.
+Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds.
+Look, I, I'm really glad you're off the wacky tobacky.
+Well I've gotta do something.
+Yeah, you were gettin' all spacey and everything. We were gonna have an intervention.
+Yeah, but at the planning party I got alcohol poisoning. Heh. I nearly died.
+I was already makin' excuses not to go to your funeral.
+It's been three days. And my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up, and I'm able to recognize simple shapes and patterns.
+Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
+Unregardless, I will no longer be a slave to this.
+Why are you keeping that thing?
+As a reminder, Marge.
+Y'ello.
+Ahoy-hoy, executive V.P. I'm putting the final touches on my speech to the investors and I need your generous guffaws.
+But I can't find you funny anymore.
+I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now we're ordering out. What would you like on your pizza pie? Extra cheese?! Who do you take me for? Lorenzo De Medici?
+See you soon.
+Don't worry, Homer. You don't need Mary Jane to laugh at Mr. Burns' jokes. Just picture him naked.
+Or, or, um, with, with a funny hat on.
+So profit margins will be thinner than Louise Brooks' negligee.
+You know, Louise Brooks. The silent star of "Lulu."
+One of us has got to start laughing. If Mr. Burns gets flop sweat, he'll die of dehydration.
+Oh, I'm drenched with sweat.
+I'm going to take a bathiola. When I come back, you'd better be laughing.
+This stuff can make anything funny... even the show that follows Friends. But I promised my family I wouldn't smoke it anymore.
+Start inhalin', Waylon.
+This suit used to belong to Judy Garland. Ah, we could sing a song if you don't mind being Mickey Rooney.
+You mean that guy on 60 Minutes who yells all the time?
+60 Minutes? Oh my God, Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!
+Oh, Mr. Burns! You were too beautiful for this world.
+Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad.
+The investors' meeting is in twenty minutes.
+So what? Mr. Burns is dead.
+We can carry on. Michael Eisner's been dead for five years. Ted Turner's just a hologram. Now, we've gotta think.
+So when somebody says I was an embarrassment to the country, I say it depends on what the meaning of "was" is, jerk. You owe me two hundred thousand dollars. Goodnight, everybody!
+Bill Clinton, everyone! He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude.
+And now a man you will see is definitely not dead... Mr. Montgomery Burns!
+Mr. Burns, as we're running long, may we skip your speech and go directly to the questions?
+Mr. Burns, a two-part question: one, when will you see a profit again? And
+two, what's that red stuff coming out of your ear?
+Mr. Burns, may I field that one?
+It's true we're losing money...
+But there's no reason we can't dance, dance, dance the night away.
+Mr. Burns has left the building!
+We are mollified! We are mollified!
+Brilliant! We lost sixty million dollars and they're cheering for more!
+Mr. Burns! You're alive!
+Yes, I regained consciousness during my big dance number. Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber.
+And you wanted to take him to the hospital.
+Oh, and you didn't? Well, the worm has finally shown his fangs. Smithers, make me slap him.
+You call that a slap? Make me slap you.
+Now both. Now just you. Now give me a taste. Now both again...
+Now all three... Excellent.
+Want a chocolate?
+Hold it right there, Forrest Plump. This town has laws against impersonating movie characters.
+Oh, behave!
+Luke, I am your father.
+Shagadelic.
+What are you doing here anyway?
+Waiting for my wife. She has a surprise for me.
+Hey, hey, hey. I didn't ask for your life story.
+Did you say "life story"?
+Things started out great. I ate what my mother ate. And my mother loved chili. Then, suddenly:
+Wow, tell me some more.
+Don't you have criminals to catch?
+Hey, I'm workin' on it. We uh, we got an undercover guy who's infiltrating the mob. Hey Pete! Pete! They fixed the coke machine!
+Now, where were we?
+My father and I were never really close.
+I never found true happiness until I met Marge.
+And life just gets more exciting.
+Then came the day that changes every couple forever. The day we got our elephant.
+While I wait for my family, I'll tell you about the time my baby shot my boss.
+Hey, that's great, but I gotta get goin'.
+Whoa! There's a whole 'nother row of these bad boys. Keep talkin'.
+It's time for your surprise, Dad.
+Yeah. Hop in, Homer.
+Ah, the family car... we've been through a lot together...
+Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
+All my other senses are getting sharper. Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you're extremely depressed.
+Hey Homer, do you remember this voice?
+Kathleen Turner!
+No, it's me, Krusty.
+And you're at the Springfield Friars Club!
+Where tonight we're roasting you, Homer Simpson!
+Are the proceeds going to charity?
+Hell no.
+Woo hoo!
+We're all here tonight for one reason. To keep Homer away from the buffet.
+Haw haw!
+Excellent.
+That was at my expense. What kind of a roast is this?
+Now I'd like to read some telegrams from people who couldn't make it. First, we have Mark Spitz.
+Who's Mark Spitz?
+What's a telegram?
+Aw, forget it. I gotta get to the hot wings before the Comic Book Guy.
+You know, Lisa, they say father knows best.
+That's true, Bart. Our father knows the best way to embarrass his kids.
+Haw haw!
+Excellent.
+But seriously, we've had a lot of fun with our dad over the years.
+A lot of people think our Dad's behavior has screwed us up. And it has!
+But it's all worth it just to hear him sing.
+And now, our next speaker is Mr. Warmth himself, C. Montgomery Burns.
+I stand here to expose the criminal ineptitude of Homer J. Simpson. Again and again he has brought this town to the brink of annihilation.
+Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives and mutated your children.
+Just look at all of his catastrophic nicompoopery!
+Now here's a couple that's been dating --
+-- carbon dating! Grampa Simpson and Agnes Skinner.
+Sweet Toledo! What's keeping that dress on?
+The collective will of everyone in this room!
+Haw haw!
+Excellent.
+You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me!
+I first met Homer in 1927 in a bar in Brooklyn. Little did I know he would soon become Mrs. Joe DiMaggio.
+Roll the clips!
+Hey Abe, you wanna hook up after the show?
+Yeah, to a suicide machine.
+Now everyone knows Homer loves his family...
+I'm sick of your lies. Secrets and lies. It's always secrets and lies.
+Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don't give them fodder!
+Secrets and lies...
+now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple. Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders!
+Thank you so much.
+THE CAMPTOWN LADIES SING THIS SONG...
+DOO-DA, DOO-DA...
+HOMER SIMPSON'S BREATH IS STRONG / OH, THE DOO-DA --
+Hey, hey, now hold on there. The nice people want to hear the real words.
+But Ned, I was singing the real words.
+Oh, let's just take it from the top.
+THE CAMPTOWN LADIES SING THIS SONG...
+DOO-DA, DOO-DA...
+THE CAMPTOWN RACE TRACK'S FIVE MILES LONG...
+That's better.
+HOMER'S BREATH SMELLS BAD!
+Oh, those are not the words!
+Silence!
+Cease all quips and comebacks!
+Look, you weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in the show.
+This can't be good for my pacemaker.
+What are you doing here?
+Our planet has been observing your puny species since your planet was created... five thousand years ago... by God.
+In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. And now humanity must be judged. The fate of your planet rests on one human being... Homer Simpson.
+Why him?
+Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man.
+Hey! He stole my bit!
+Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy.
+Yep, word for word!
+Okay, let's see what we've got.
+It has to be on channel three.
+Your species is brutish and primitive.
+Do you have anything to say before we obliterate your planet?
+Wait! What about Maggie's memories? Surely the innocent soul of a child will redeem mankind.
+Sure, let's give it a shot.
+It worked, Mom! Maggie's memories have shown them humanity's inner goodness.
+These are not tears. We are vomiting from our eyes! Your baby's treacle has only intensified our loathing.
+Wait... look at the screen! The baby continues to reminisce.
+This child thinks of nothing but trendy Hollywood celebrities.
+We can learn much from this innocent one, like Justin Timberlake's home phone number.
+So, I guess you can't destroy Earth, since so many of your favorite celebrities live and work there.
+We will not destroy the Earth...one condition.
+You name it.
+I can't believe we're going to the People's Choice Awards.
+And tomorrow the daytime Emmys!
+Ooh, it's Burt Reynolds and Michael Jeter!
+Could an "Evening Shade" reunion be in the works?
+There's Shannon Doherty? Didn't you have a thing with her?
+Don't go there.
+ULLMAN SHORTS, CHRISTMAS SHOW, MARGE'S FLING, HOMER'S BRO
+BART IN WELL, FLANDERS FAILS, WHACKING SNAKES, MONORAIL
+MR. PLOW, HOMER SPACE, SIDESHOW BOB STEPS ON RAKES
+LISA'S FUTURE, SELMA'S HUBBY, MARGE NOT PROUD, HOMER CHUBBY
+HOMER WORRIED BART IS GAY, POOCHIE, BONO, NRA
+HIPPIES, VEGAS AND JAPAN, OCTUPLETS AND BART'S BOY BAND
+MARGE MURMURS, MAUDE CROAKS, LISA BUDDHIST, HOMER TOKES
+MAGGIE BLOWS BURNS AWAY / WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY? /
+THEY'LL NEVER STOP THE SIMPSONS /
+HAVE NO FEARS / WE'VE GOT STORIES FOR YEARS / LIKE... MARGE BECOMES A ROBOT / MAYBE MOE GETS A CELL PHONE / HAS BART EVER OWNED A BEAR? / OR HOW 'BOUT ... A CRAZY WEDDING WHERE SOMETHING HAPPENS /
+SORRY FOR THE CLIP SHOW / HAVE NO FEARS / WE'VE GOT STORIES FOR YEARS...
+Welcome to Career Day. Here to tell you about his job is Bart's friend's Dad, Kirk Van Houten.
+How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield?
+Are you the guy that puts them there?
+Bart Simpson, creative genius?
+No, I-I'm his assistant. But one time he was sick, and, and he let me do it. I totally screwed it up.
+Ah, um, that, that's it.
+I see. Well, we, uh, still have fifty-six minutes left. Any questions?
+Do you know Mom's getting re-married?
+What? But she... I-- Um, I think we should probably talk about that later, son.
+No, you might as well talk about it now.
+That was one lousy career day.
+If we can't get better speakers, we'll have to go back to teaching. And I can't stare at those lifeless fish eyes anymore!
+As head of the Student Activities Committee, I have an idea.
+I was wondering what she was doing here.
+The speakers are poor because we're letting just anybody do it.
+Groundskeeper Willie, Groundskeeper Willie's enemy Seamus...
+Yes, Seamus. Ninety minutes of watching a man drink in a bathtub.
+Well, I think we should try the Springfield Speaker's Bureau.
+Good idea.
+Seamus, uh, we won't need you to speak any more.
+WHUT? This is your doin', Willie. I'll turn your groin to puddin'.
+Oh, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one too!
+Ooh, ya bastard!
+Wow! Walter Mondale, Marvin Hamlisch, Mark Fuhrman... The former President of Procter and Gamble?
+We have a special this month: "Mr. Blackwell debates Mr. T."
+Oh, please. I've seen nicer chains on a set of snow tires.
+I pity the fool who derives self esteem from mocking other people's clothes.
+I hate myself.
+Ooh! Here's a wonderful speaker! Geoff Jenkins!
+He created a cartoon called "Danger Dog." It's popular with kids and adults.
+Yes, fine. He'll do. Anything to end this unstructured conversation.
+...and in a gutless act of political correctness, pizza day will now be known as "Italian-American sauce bread day."
+Ah, now that's-a sensitivity. Right, Giuseppe?
+Giuseppe is such a happy monkey.
+And now today's guest speaker... the creator of "Danger Dog," Geoff Jenkins!
+Geoff! Geoff! Geoff!
+Thanks, kids. Next month we'll be airing the Danger Dog Easter Special. Would anyone like to see a sneak preview?
+Danger Dog, Neuterville needs you.
+I hope this is important. I've got a hot date tonight. With Sarah Jessica Barker.
+Nice. Anyway, your arch enemy, Molly Ringworm, has threatened to destroy the city with her puke ray. And--
+The Mayor's barf is worse than his bite.
+Ah, le mot juste.
+If you freeze the frame, you can see that the chunks of barf are actually pictures of our animators and their friends.
+Are there any questions?
+What state does Danger Dog live in?
+Michigan.
+Why does Danger Dog mean more to me than school or church?
+Because those things suck.
+Uh... I have a question, Mr. Jenkins. Could you tell us about all the hard work and buckling down that you put into every cartoon?
+Are you kidding? This is the easiest job in the world. I spend most of my time eating candy and going to R-rated movies.
+Wow! / Cool! / Great!
+Well then, eh, tell the children how hard you studied in school to get where you are today.
+Studied? Kids, all I ever did was sit in class and doodle. Like this one -- it's what your principal would look like as a woman.
+/ Haw haw!
+Fire, children -- hurry outside! There's no time to let today's lecture sink in!
+Why'd you do that?
+I won't stand by while you're glamorizing sass! Now those youngsters will throw their lives away... drawing things that never were.
+I'm comin' up with my own cartoon character. He's called Danger Cat.
+Mine's called Trouble Dog.
+I'm called Ralph.
+Mine is Danger Dude. But he's a dog.
+Oh yeah.
+Well, I'm my own toughest critic, but I think it's genius. Now to sell it for millions.
+This comic strip is lame and derivative.
+I'll be the judge of that.
+Oh, well-- Stan Lee?!
+Creator of Marvel Comics?!
+Greetings, true believers.
+Oh! Oh, my heart is pounding like Thor's hammer on Dr. Doom's titanium-infused face-plate.
+Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter?
+The term is "courting."
+The restraining order says "no, no," but her eyes say "yes, yes."
+Let's see what you've got, son.
+My Spidey sense is tingling!
+It's that good?
+Whoa. Did I say "Spidey"? I meant "Stinky." 'Nuff said.
+What did I do wrong?
+Oh, I don't know. Try everything.
+Now hold on, Comic Book Guy. This boy's still finding his voice.
+So you're saying I should keep trying?
+Absolutely. And if you fail, you can always open a comic book store.
+Stan Lee insulted me! But in Bizarro World... that means he likes me!
+I just need one great idea...
+Batman!... oh, it's been done.
+Green Lantern!... nah.
+I like "Little Dot." Could you rip that off? I mean, who's gonna know?
+I'd know, mom.
+Hm, that little girl sure loved dots.
+Hm, all I need is one classic character...
+Stupid lawn chair!
+Come on... unfold you...
+This'll teach that stupid chair. I'm on fire! Oh, I hope no one's drawing this. Ow!
+Always drawing your old man, huh? You must think I'm the greatest dad in the world.
+Lousy minor setback! This world sucks!
+Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under-padding?
+I hate them so much!
+Tonight, "When Dinosaurs Get Drunk"...
+Oh, I've been there, man.
+...has been cancelled.
+Instead, we bring you "The Boring World of Niels Bohr."
+My ice cream sandwich! Then where the hell's the remote?!
+What's it to ya?
+Why do people keep moving it... stupid...
+Oh, this is perfect.
+A couple of stink lines around his butt... and I'm done.
+Angry Dad rocks!
+"Arghhh! I'm angry!!!" That's like something my Dads would say.
+Simpson, you've created a timeless comic character.
+Thanks guys.
+Will you sign Martin's cast?
+What cast?
+I won't be swimming this summer.
+Bart, this is just Dad!
+Uh, it's a composite character -- your Dad, my Dad, a little of Maggie's Dad...
+No, it's just Dad.
+Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick -- "Know-It-All Sister".
+Can she have a pony? And the last line in the scene?
+Hm. Your pencilling is sub-Ziggy, and the main character is off model in every frame. However, I deem this rack-worthy.
+Wow, I made it! My week-long dream has come true.
+Hold it, son. Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure?
+But only Batman fits in my Batmobile.
+Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly.
+Look, he's fitting right now.
+Stan Lee came back?
+Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think his mind is no longer in mint condition.
+You broke my Batmobile.
+Broke? Or made it better?
+Now I can't stand in line any more.
+Now we just add color.
+I'm from the Internet. We'd like to turn "Angry Dad" into an animated series.
+Wow! "Angry Dad"... an internet cartoon. I'll be in cyberspace next to the Nabisco cookie web site.
+Hey, soul patch. You cut the line!
+Here's my card.
+This is people working?
+This is great.
+Hey, Bart. Care for a children's cappuccino?
+What up, man? This is my manager slash sister, Lisa.
+What up?
+Everyone here loves "Angry Dad." It's just what we've been looking for.
+So what do you want to do with it?
+Bart, I'm not a woman, and I can't have babies. But I can give life to animated internet cartoons.
+Let me show you one of our hottest shows, "Bin Laden in a Blender."
+Well, it delivers what it promises.
+Now Bart, we can't pay you salary, but, uh, we can give you stock.
+How's your company gonna make money? Do you have a business model?
+How many shares of stock will it take to end this conversation?
+Two million.
+It is done. Now let's watch another of our great cartoons: "Lou Rawls, Secret Agent."
+YOU'LL NEVER FIND / THAT MICROFILM OF MINE...
+Bart, meet the voice of Angry Dad.
+Okay, let's hear it.
+Well, I was thinking of something like... "I'm a big fat idiot."
+Wow! I think we have our Angry Dad.
+Woo hoo! When do I get paid?
+In two thousand and twelve.
+In five minutes, it'll be on the world wide web.
+I can't wait that long.
+To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.
+Whoa, that's funny. There's only one way my show can compete with this.
+Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.
+Susan Anton?
+No, the lemur!
+Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up.
+That's opinion, not news!
+That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants. Wait a second... Angry Dad is me!
+Yeah. Didn't you know? You've been world famous for an hour now.
+You're the internet's number one
+non-porno site.
+Which makes you ten trillionth over-all.
+What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this?
+This has been a Bart-toon presentation.
+In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.
+Why that little...
+Stupid "Bart-toon"! Bart-toon, that's clever. I'm gonna kill him!
+Look, it's internet buffoon Angry Dad!
+Let's send him into one of his trademark fits!
+Stop it! The more you rock, the angrier I get!
+You heard the freak!
+Leave me alone!
+Look at me, I'm Angry Dad!
+This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.
+Not again!
+Angry Dad, you're fired.
+Homer, what are you doing?
+Uh, uh... we're just rehearsing for "Angry Dad: The Motion Picture".
+How'd you like to be played by John Goodman?
+That's just so obvious!
+It should be Gary Oldman!
+Dad, I'm no fan of Bart's cartoon, but you have a real problem with anger.
+I'm just passionate -- like all us Greeks.
+No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now.
+Oh, I am...
+Oh my gosh, you're right. I'm a rage-aholic. I just can't live without rage-ahol!
+Congratulations, Dad. The first step is admitting it.
+Is it also the last step?
+No. The last step is quitting.
+Very well. I'm not gonna be Angry Dad for one day longer. I'm giving up anger forever!
+If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods.
+I said anger.
+Did it again!
+Hm. Where in the hell is that soothing music coming from?
+Homer? What's going on?
+I gave up anger forever. From now on, I'm into candles, soft music and horse tranquilizers.
+Ah, nothing can make me mad out here.
+Paperboy!
+Milkman!
+Piano lady!
+Must suppress rage.
+Come on, Angry Dad. Get angry! Don't make me do a clip show!
+Hello there, Flan-didly-danders.
+Hey Homer, I've been singing your praises all day. Marge said we could have choir practice in your house tonight.
+Here's a preview. GOD SAID TO NOAH / BUILD YOURSELF AN ARK-Y ARK-Y / ANIMALS CAME ON BY ONES AND TWOSIES, TWOSIES / ELEPHANTS AND KANGAROOSIES - ROOSIES...
+This little trap is gonna make my Dad angrier than he's ever been. In the meantime, I gotta tell those internet guys to hold tight.
+Can I come too?
+Good idea. You can speak nerd to them.
+I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart.
+Oh my God! What happened?
+They went belly-up like all the other internet companies.
+Looks like the bubble burst.
+Bubbles can burst?!
+Yeah, but it's a golden age for the repo business. One that shall never end.
+Bart, it's over.
+What do you mean it's over?
+We're bankrupt. The stock is at zero.
+But I have fifty-two million shares! What's fifty-two million times zero? And don't tell me it's zero!
+Bart, it's not about how much stock you have, it's about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with.
+Looks like you can't retire by age twelve.
+Yeah, but at least now that my show's cancelled, I don't need material, so there's no need to lure my Dad into the trap I set up for him. The trap!
+THEY CALL ME MELLOW YELLOW... QUITE RIGHTLY! THIS FELLOW NEVER BELLOWS... QUITE RIGHTLY!
+This looks suspicious... but delicious!
+Dirty diapers on strings!
+Time to put this ordeal behind me.
+Homer mad!
+Thank God his pants stayed on.
+Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world!
+Look, it's the Incredible Hulk!
+He can't be the Hulk -- I'm the Hulk.
+Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.
+C'mon, damn it! Change! Ah, forget it. I really did it once.
+Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.
+You almost had it there.
+Bart, your prank caused ten million dollars in damages.
+I know. I'm sorry.
+Sorry for what? Saving your father's life?
+Whaaa?!
+It's true.
+You see, these boils on Homer's neck are pent-up rage. If Bart's trap hadn't set Homer off, the anger would have overwhelmed Homer's system.
+You mean I shouldn't punish Bart at all?
+Why, if anything, he should punish you.
+Well son, I wanna show you how grateful I am. Let's go fishing.
+Who knew that anger was savin' my life?
+Manjula!
+Say it, don't spray it.
+You're trying to get me angry, thank you.
+You're not welcome.
+I love you, boy.
+Ha, ha, you love a boy.
+Stop it now.
+If you love me so much, why don't you marry me? That's a good one.
+Manjula, why did you bring the octuplets to work? This is supposed to be our special time together.
+Some special time. I get to stand around, watching you sell fatty poisons to overfed Americans.
+You'd think that would deter me, but no.
+Look, please, can you just take the children home? The porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move. Look.
+Come on.
+All right. Let's go, children.
+Clean up in all the aisles.
+Welcome, steady customer. I see you are ready for the Civil War reenactment.
+I need some supplies: a keg of beer, and a six-pack to hold me till I tap the keg.
+Here you go.
+Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War reenactment we need lots of Indians to shoot.
+I don't know which part of that sentence to correct first. But I cannot come. I work 22 hours a day, and then I go home to a wife who will not touch me. The Indian rope trick has become the Indian "nope" trick.
+The Squishee Lady!
+Oh my God! I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavor?
+Go ahead.
+Hello, Annette.
+How's life, Handsome?
+Take a penny, leave a penny.
+Hey, she called me handsome!
+She likes you! Put in a good word for grape.
+Come on, guys. We're gonna be late.
+Okay, okay, don't go Mary Todd on us.
+C'mon Barney, if you're gonna be General Grant, you have to have a drink.
+Yeah, but I'm a recovering alcoholic, so...
+One drink won't hurt.
+Hey, you're right. I was afraid it would start me drinking again, but it didn't.
+Mm-hmm!
+The 2nd Battle of Springfield was fought by the North...the South...and the East...to keep Springfield in, out of, and next to the Union, respectively. Now, the actual battle was fought over there, where that man is standing. But he won't move, so we'll do it here.
+Very good. And now... let the battle be joined.
+Bang! Bang!
+Pow! Pow!
+Hit with stick! Hit with stick!
+Die, ya bastard!
+Whoa! Whoa, dammit!
+For me the war is over!
+This battlefield is rife with inaccuracy. You dead people stop playing cards. And Stonewall Jackson... stop roller blading.
+The south will boogie again!
+This was supposed to be a mock battle! Mock!
+Don't worry. I'm just gonna drain the area around your wound. So cold... so cold...
+We are gathered here, this Memorial Day, to once again honor you World War II veterans. Truly, you are the greatest generation.
+Keep it comin', Brokaw!
+Lauding your legacy is a labor of love.
+You're damn right it is! You can't thank us enough!
+Every generation stinks but ours!
+Uh-oh. Sounds like America's enemies are at it again!
+Greatest generation to the rescue!
+And when I come back, I want a foot rub.
+Yes, master.
+General, I hereby surrender...
+Ow! Not the pointed end, you dumbass.
+Reinforcements!
+Tanks? Oh, this is just too inaccurate.
+Ah, well, then, you're definitely not going to like my steam-powered super spider!
+With the stepping and the squishing and the webs made of ny-lon!
+Oh the ny-lon has been released.
+Now, you just take the kids home. I've got to return this keg.
+Are you sure you can get your deposit back? It's in pretty bad shape.
+Why do you always take the side of local merchants?
+Now Apu, when you gave me this keg it had dents. And here's proof.
+That giggle is none of my business. Or is it?
+Ooh, Squishee lady! You've had less than eight kids, haven't you? Haven't you?
+Please do the Hindu that you do so well.
+Avert your eyes, eunuch!
+What's a eunuch?
+"Unique, unite..."
+Homie, what's wrong?
+Nothing, nothing. There's nothing eating me up inside.
+Oh, it must be something big. Hm. Something you did?... no, something you saw.
+Apu is having an affair?!
+Let's go.
+I know, can you believe it? Oh, Manjula's just gonna die!
+How did you find out?
+In my role as customer, I saw the whole thing.
+Oh, this is so awkward. Today's the day we play badminton with them. Oh, I hope no one makes any double entendres.
+Oh Apu, you keep scoring while my back is turned.
+Are you sure you're not cheating?
+Now Manjula, do you want me to find another partner?
+No, no, no, let's just keep playing. What's the score?
+Dirty love. I mean, thirty love. I mean, anyone for penis? I'll just get the shuttlecock.
+Here, guys.
+Why don't you play this?
+Marge, why are you crying? You're not in any physical pain. The only kind of pain a man can understand.
+We have to do something to save that marriage. Maybe I should just tell Manjula. Or you could talk to Apu...
+He already knows. Let's tell Krusty.
+What would that accomplish?
+That guy's hilarious. His reaction would be priceless.
+Apu is cheating!
+That's sad. All those kids.
+I think he's building to something.
+...So anyway, if you take that bottle down, and pass it around--
+I know, I know, there will be forty-seven bottles of beer on the wall. Yes. Homer, you did not bring me here for this. What is it that you want to tell me?
+Okay, this isn't easy, so I'm just gonna come out and say it.
+Here-here-here you go, mister.
+Let's say this pepper got married to this salt shaker, and along comes sexy Mrs. Dash...
+Homie, it's eleven at night. Have you told him yet?
+A girl in the bar! What do we do?
+Watch and learn, ya dinks.
+Is there something you want to tell me?
+I saw you and that Squishee Lady -- canoodling like junkyard rabbits!
+It's true. It only happened once, but I am so ashamed. I am scum.
+Yes. You are scum.
+What do you think I should do?
+Tell that woman it's over between you and her.
+Yes. First thing in the morning. I promise.
+Hey Marge, uh, you care for a tropical drink?
+Is that Windex?
+It's Windelle. I can't afford Windex.
+Okay Apu, be strong.
+Before you measure my syrup levels, I must talk to you.
+While you talk, I'm just gonna help myself to some licorice rope.
+As much as I enjoy your company, and I truly do. I must insist that from this point forward we not-- oh my goodness, what are you doing?!
+Ah, mahatma- hatma-hatma-hatma-hatma-hatma-hatma...
+Not tonight. I said not tonight. Wait, something's wrong. Why aren't you pressuring me for sex?
+Oh, I'm just happy to lie here, appreciating and respecting you.
+Okay buster, what is going on?
+Nothing! How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? I'm so angry, I could just, I could fall asleep. Completely innocent.
+Apu, come here a moment.
+Oh Apu, you're such a Brahma queen.
+This better be good because you are interrupting my faithfulness, and-- Oh, boy.
+I took the tape out of the store's surveillance camera. Look.
+Oh Apu, scratch and win!
+Mmm... that's good adultery!
+Oh, I am so sorry, Manjula! I--
+Get out of my home, Apu.
+Oh, I always thought karma was baloney, but not anymore.
+Mmm, caramel baloney.
+Hey, Kirk Van Houten. I live across the way. If you don't like losing at cribbage, stay outta my place.
+No, no! I'll let you win! I'll let you win! God, I... I'm really lonely.
+Welcome back to "Inside the Actor's Studio."
+We've met Rainier Wolfcastle -- actor, novelist, barbecue sauce spokesman. Now can we meet... McBain?
+Let me get into character.
+Okay, I'm McBain.
+All right, Mendoza. I'll give you the Maxwell circuit if you put down my daughter.
+It's a pleasure to eat your lead, good sir.
+Kids, we want to talk to you about something.
+You might hear from your friends or co-workers that Apu isn't living at home anymore.
+I just wish there was something we could do... Oh. Oh, Homer, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
+You bet I am!
+You can run, but you can't glide!
+U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
+Tonight, we invite both Manjula and Apu for dinner, but we don't tell them the other one's coming.
+And Krusty. We gotta invite Krusty.
+Have you come to forgive me?
+I keep telling you. Off camera, he's a desperately unhappy man. But if we remind Apu and Manjula of why they fell in love, maybe they can work out their problems.
+Yeah! 'Cause if they don't...
+Manjula, we've got a special guest for you.
+Is it my husband's whore?
+Even better.
+This is going great.
+Look who's here. It's this thing!
+I am Ganeesh, your god!
+Oh, I am truly screwed.
+I order you to get back together... or I'll suck your blood. Blah, blah!
+Bart, stick to the script. Don't be a jerk.
+You're the jerk.
+You're the jerk.
+I know you have all gone to a lot of trouble to meddle in my affairs. But you cannot change my mind with one night of blasphemy and store-bought tandoori -- or should I say bland-oori!
+Manjula, please. I have known we were meant to be together, ever since my mother forced me to marry you. If you give me another chance, I'll do anything to make it up to you.
+Mm... Come here, you.
+These are divorce papers. Consider yourself served.
+Hey pally, uh... where do you want the Fudge Mahal?
+Uh, we didn't order that.
+Can I lick your fingers? Meet me at the mail slot.
+I have to warn you. Apu does not have very much money.
+Are you absolutely sure? Because legally, I am allowed to shake him by the ankles and see what falls out. It's established in the case of "Lawyers versus Justice." That was a wonderful day for us.
+Now, we have eight children. Will that affect the settlement?
+Perhaps.
+No offense, but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my family's chickens.
+Yes. I get that a lot.
+I have to think all of this over. I, I still have feelings for Apu.
+I understand. Who is Apu?
+The face of divorce is not as beautiful as I hoped. Perhaps there is another way.
+When will you humans learn that your "feelings," as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs?
+Manjula, come quick! The octuplets said their first words.
+Mommy...
+...will...
+...you...
+...let...
+...Daddy...
+...come...
+...back?
+Cookie.
+They miss their father. Are you sure you don't want to take him back?
+Well I do, but I don't want him to think that I am a doormat. I need payback.
+All right! Girls night out! Exotic male dancers at the Golden Banana!
+No, I want him to suffer.
+Oh. Well, when Homer does something wrong, I write a list of ways he can make it up to me. Then I shred the list and put it in his food.
+All right, we will write a list.
+At the Golden Banana?
+Over, under, round and round... so your feet won't touch the ground.
+Now let's see what awaits me in the next life.
+First I was a tiger, a snake, a clod, a goat with a hat... then me...
+Oh, a tapeworm...
+then assistant to Lorne Michaels.
+It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes.
+I am willing to take you back.
+Really?
+Provided you complete these tasks.
+"#1) Break up with squishee girl." Well, that's a no-brainer. "#2) Lose weight. #3) Get cartoon published in New Yorker. #4) Legally change name to 'Slime Q. Slimedog.' #5) Wear nametag that says same."
+I know a great nametag place. They do fabulous work.
+It's where I got this!
+So our relationship is over, is that what you're saying?
+Yes, I'm afraid so.
+Well, we had fun.
+Hey, Apu, I think she likes you.
+This Squishee is awful!
+I only sell Smooshies now. Squishees reminded me of my misdeeds.
+My Smooshie tastes like a shopping bag.
+Mine tastes like dog fur.
+Yes, but look at the delivery man. He is hideous.
+Ooh, a challenge!
+Whee! Whee!
+Wait a minute. This isn't on the list!
+It's been on my list for a long time.
+Not bad, eh?
+I bought the issue for Richard Avedon's pictures of Lenny.
+Eliza, where the devil are my slippers?
+"My Fair Lady," performed with all-octuplet cast... done.
+It was magic. He took a Cockney flower girl and turned her into my fair lady.
+I liked all the roles filled by minority actors.
+Why, I didn't even notice!
+Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family and your never-ending disgrace.
+Wait, wait. You forgot to eat a light bulb.
+Thank you very much, you big fat blabbermouth. I-- Sorry, sorry, it's been a rough month.
+Here you go. Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.
+So... back in the old bed. I never realized it was so wide.
+Yes, back to our marital closeness.
+Maybe we can't rush things.
+Oh Apu, I want us to be a family again, but it will take some time. We will know when it feels right again.
+Whenever you are ready.
+Welcome to second grade gymnastics.
+We'll get started as soon as the previous class finishes up on the equipment.
+Don't worry -- you can win 'em back if you stick the landing.
+Big smile!
+Come on, ladies. Faster, higher, better!
+My bad.
+Lisa, gym isn't just about encouraging fitness -- it's also about exposing weakness. Check minus.
+Are you mad, Brunella? You can't fail Lisa. She's the only child keeping this school accredited. Without her, we'd have to release these children back into the forest. So let's just turn that minus into a plus...
+Skinner, I took an oath. And by Xena, this girl's failin' gym.
+Perhaps we could get her a private coach.
+Well, I know a coach, but he's tough. He defected into East Germany.
+Yes, and birds go "tweet." What else?
+Okay. For next exercise, put hands on hips, jump out window, and go tell parents to STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH FAILURE CHILD!
+FASTER!! LIFT YOUR KNEES!
+Look Lisa, there's an opening.
+Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at?
+Well, hookers and Spiderman.
+Forget it. I'm going home.
+Get up, Liser.
+President Kennedy!
+That's right, Liser. Academics are important, but you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, ah, yes.
+Well, I can't argue with the man who wrote "Profiles in Courage."
+Yes, ahhh, wrote it. Uh, well, ah, good luck, Liser.
+Thanks. I'll see you in heaven.
+Ah, yes, ah, er, heaven.
+My little munchkin bumped her pumpkin.
+Are you okay, Lisa?
+I'm more than okay!...
+Ich bin ein... gymnast!
+Aww, she must have dreamt about Hitler again.
+Here you go, a Laffy Meal for you, and a Nostalgia Meal for me.
+Oh boy, this takes me back. Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of Oleo.
+What's your Nostalgia Prize, Grampa?
+Liberace action figure.
+Party tonight at Roddy McDowell's. Ooh!
+I got a plastic Krusty-saurus.
+Hmmm...
+A mosquito?
+How'd that get in there?
+Laziness is counter-revolutionary! Questions are decadent! Fast hands mean less whipping!
+Skeeter bites are good luck. Scratch it and you get a wish.
+I don't feel so good. Can you take me to the hospital?
+Finally, we're doing something I wanna do.
+Just relax, think of floor as full of snakes, you fall, they kill you, relax, relax and... snakes!
+Bravo, little girl! Great progress. You deserve reward. Here is your cat back, good as new.
+Oh, thank you!
+You think I'll pass gym this term?
+Is no problem. God give you greatest gift -- big head, like beachball made of bone. Gives you perfect balance.
+Woo! All right!
+Yeah! Excellent!
+See you tomorrow. Rest your giant head. I am Lugash.
+You're reading "Gravity's Rainbow?"
+Re-reading.
+Sorry, what are you guys talking about? I was making fractals.
+You guys are so cool. I can't believe I never met you before.
+Well, I'm Tina and this is Carrie.
+Maybe we could hang out together.
+Oh, I'd love to!
+You girls were all were great. Cats back for everyone!
+I had a dog.
+Is cat now!
+Need a ride back to campus?
+Campus?
+You guys are college students!
+Yeah, but with our small gymnast bodies, everyone always thinks we're way younger.
+Aren't you in college?
+Um... Of course. Where do you think I go, baby school?
+See you tomorrow, Lisa! We find out what five minus three is!
+Um... I'm a teacher's aide in a very special class.
+No, Lisa. We're both in the...
+Go, go, go!
+Why do people run from me?
+Life sucks.
+Totally.
+So, what dorm do you live in?
+Actually, I'm off campus. I, um, share a house with a couple of girls, a couple of guys.
+Guys, huh? Are they cute?
+Well, Bart's kinda-- No!
+...I GET KNOCKED DOWN / I GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN / YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KNOCK ME DOWN!
+Whoa! Party house.
+Hey, where's my keg?
+Mm. Mom's not gonna like that.
+Who's Mom?
+Uh, that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.
+Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky's reading at Café Kafka.
+Robert Pinsky?! The former Poet Laureate?
+It's gonna be great. The three of us could split a scone.
+Non-dairy?
+I TAKE A WHISKEY DRINK / I TAKE A CHOCOLATE DRINK / AND WHEN I HAVE TO PEE / I USE THE KITCHEN SINK / I SING THE SONG THAT REMINDS ME I'M A URINATING GUY!
+FLEX! FLEX! FLEX! FLEX! FLEX! FLEX! FLEX!
+I'll see you tomorrow!
+See ya.
+Now you're sure you haven't been to China? There's no shame in it.
+No, I told you, a mosquito came out of my Laffy Meal and bit me.
+What's wrong with him, Doctor? It can't be mange, I just had him dipped.
+Your son is exhibiting classic symptoms of Panda Virus. Here, take a look.
+I knew it was serious when he said he didn't want ice cream.
+I did want ice cream.
+Well, your father ate it all.
+Now don't worry, these pills will take care of everything. But for a week Bart will be highly infectious to others.
+Contagious? Outrageous!
+I got me some teachers to lick.
+Well, I don't know about that. But don't worry, while you're infectious, you will lead a normal life, full of normal social interaction.
+I don't like how many times you said "normal."
+You'll be living in this bubble. It's clear plastic, so the world can see how normal you are.
+Help me!
+You'll get the hang of it. Today's just a little gusty.
+Everyone's staring at me.
+Haw haw!
+¡Ay, ay, ay, que curiosidad!
+Haw... haw...
+This place is amazing! Kiosks! Outdoor study groups!
+Lisa, where've you been?
+In heaven!
+I love her. She's a total free spirit.
+She'd have to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson-family vibe.
+Yeah, well I live in a dorm without a DSL line.
+Freaky.
+I think this soup's a little hot.
+Bart, don't slurp your soup.
+My bubble, my rules.
+That's it, boy! It's time for your bath!
+Now go to bed!
+That is called parenting. I'm going to Moe's.
+Test... test... Roses are red... April is the cruelest month, cruelest month...
+Now open your minds for the Coltrane of the quatrain... the Tony Danza of the A-B stanza... I give you the former Poet Laureate of the United States, Mr. Robert Pinsky!
+Tonight I'll be reading from a copy of my book I just checked out at Atherton Library...
+Atherton Library!
+I study there!
+Say another building!
+That's it, Pinsky. You've got 'em right where you want 'em. "Slow dulcimer, gavotte and bow in autumn..."
+"Basho and his friends go out to view the moon... In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter, The secret courtesy that courses like ichor through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke..."
+"Impossible to tell in writing. 'Bashõ',impossible to tell in writing bashõ,6
+83466,289,165,"Robert Pinsky: He named himself
+Ba-shõ!
+Banana tree!
+Good night, Bart.
+Good night, Lisa.
+Good night, Maggie.
+Cherish these moments, Homer.
+...So I'm walking by the Oval Office, and I hear the President. "Pinsky! Where's my poem?" Well, I thought it wasn't due 'til Tuesday, so I make one up. I am just pulling stuff out of my ass. And when I'm done, the President says, "Pinsky, you've done it again." Ka-ching!
+Did she put in for the pizza?
+Gotta finish. Gotta finish. Am I using too much glue?
+You won't eat our meat, but you glue with our feet.
+Well, it's still the best thing in this class.
+A-minus.
+Lisa Simpson, master of the double life.
+You're like my Mommy after her box of wine.
+Gimme your lunch money.
+But it's after lunch.
+It's just an expression. Like "kick your butt" could involve no kicking whatsoever.
+Never fear, the sphere is here!
+That's it, Simpson. I'm gonna kick you right in the ball.
+When nerds are in trouble, I am not slow. It's spin, spin, spin and away I go!
+Once he's gone they'll kill us.
+That young adult looks like Lisa. Whuh? That young adult is Lisa.
+She's up to something private!
+Ahh! Let's go spy on her!
+I'll get you down. Bite these pencils.
+This is the life we chose.
+Where is everybody?
+Anthro 101: "Passive Analysis of Visual Iconography."
+Everyone takes it. All you do is watch "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoons.
+After her!
+I feel like Harriet the Spy.
+Now the classic "Itchy and Scratchy" episode DABF06, "Butter Off Dead."
+Good morrow to thee, neighbor.
+Okay, freeze there.
+So what does this cartoon mean?
+It shows how the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other.
+Hey mister, put the cartoon back on.
+I'm sorry, boys. We don't allow children in this class.
+What about Lisa? She's only eight.
+Lisa, did you lie to us?
+I just wanted to belong! For once, I felt I was with intellectual equals.
+I can't believe I cheated off an eight year old.
+I guess we won't be biking through Italy.
+She's worse than that eighty-year-old who pretended to be a freshman.
+I just wanted a place to sit down.
+What the-- You earned how many credits without our permission?
+Sixteen.
+College is no place for a young girl with those quadrangles and study carrels and syllabi...
+Doogie Howser went to college when he was my age.
+Against my wishes!
+But the atmosphere there was so stimulating. It was a bustling marketplace of ideas.
+Oh, and this kitchen isn't?
+Well...
+I put those "Cathys" on the fridge for you. I don't even like them. They've gotten so smutty.
+Oh sure, when a man does it, it's smutty. But if a woman did it--
+Homer, Cathy is a woman.
+Oh, come on--
+You're right.
+What are you guys doing?
+We're gonna roll down the hill.
+Can I come with you?
+I don't know. Are you sure you're not too "college" for us?
+Yeah, sorry we can't be more "college."
+Hey Einstein, what's a million plus a million?
+Two million.
+Don't let 'em get to you, lass. I'm too good for this place, too. Now run home to your shack.
+I live in a house.
+Well, la-dee-dah, College Girl. Well, I guess you're too good for me too.
+Oh, look at...
+What are you doing?
+I was trying to throw Bart over the roof, and he got stuck in this tree.
+Marge, where's my pellet gun?
+In the tree.
+Oh no, not the good cheek!
+Poor Bart...
+I know just how you feel -- isolated, alone, cut off from everyone--
+Are you kidding? This little baby has made me more popular than ever.
+Hey Bubble Bart, lookin' good.
+Call me!
+The bubble makes everything shimmer and glow. You can't believe what that sunset looks like to me.
+That's not a sunset. That's a bird on fire!
+Tomato, tomato.
+Oh, I wish I had someplace to call my own. No one wants me around any more.
+I know a way you can win back the kids at school.
+Really? That's wonderful. But how?
+All you gotta do is play a prank on the principal.
+Well I can't do it tomorrow. There's an assembly in his honor.
+We've got a little planning to do. Step into my office.
+Ew! Bart!
+It wasn't me.
+In recognition of your twenty years as Interim Principal, I hereby dedicate the Seymour Skinner Parking Annex.
+Did they have to guess the date of my death?
+Can't you be a team player just once?
+When I was starting out, they said "You're good -- but are you 'plaque' good?" Well, today I can say "Yes I am!"
+...Three, two one. Thank you. I will now take pre-approved questions from honor-roll students.
+Yeah, I got a question. How dare you wear white? I hear what you do at night.
+Security!
+Get your hands off me!
+Martin Prince, Daily Fourth Gradian. How about a picture of you and the cake for our society page?
+Now normally I wouldn't go near a giant chocolate cake in my dress polyester, but with Bart Simpson safely encapsulated, I'd be delighted to pose.
+Look, up there. It's Lisa and she's winning us back!
+I've been taken down a peg. A whole peg!
+Li-sa! Li-sa! Li-sa!
+Good going, Lis. And it sure is great to be out of that bubble.
+Sure is sunny... Was the air always this fresh?... I'm just gonna hang out in this vent.
+Does this thing suck or blow? Suuuuck!
+If you ask me Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes.
+Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?
+Oh, I cannot listen to this again.
+Guys, I just ordered my wife the greatest anniversary present -- a koi pond.
+A koi pond?
+Yeah, a meditative lily-pond, with big beautiful fish that fry up really good.
+Oh, that's the perfect gift.
+Yeah, you don't even have to feed the fish, 'cause squirrels drown in it.
+You got this husband thing down, Homer.
+Yeah, you must be some kind of marriage super-genius. How 'bout a few tips?
+Certainly, Lenford. Make every day a celebration of your love. Surprise her with a pasta salad! Put a mini-beret on your wang!
+Ooh, this stuff is gold.
+Happy marriage here I come!
+This'll really help with my speed dating!
+I got four hundred nos.
+Oh, I can't wait to see my surprise!
+Hey, hey, hey, no peeking.
+Happy anniversary, Marge!
+A koi pond! It's beautiful. Oh you sweet, wonderful man-child. I finally have a peaceful place to sit and hear my own thoughts.
+What was that?
+What the hell is that noise?
+That caterpillar is screaming.
+Aw, the poor thing's in pain. What he needs is a visit from kindly old Dr. Foot.
+Hold it right there, Dr. Foot. You're about to kill an endangered species -- the screamapillar.
+...which has chosen your yard as its home.
+Fine, I won't kill it.
+Finish the job.
+Mr. Simpson, allowing an endangered species to die is a federal offense, under the Reversal of Freedoms Act of 1994. You are now legally responsible for the safety and well-being of this screamapillar.
+Everything you need to know is in this pamphlet.
+"Screamapillar Care Tips." Wow, look at all this stuff. "Without constant reassurance, it will die. It's sexually attracted to fire..."
+Are you sure God doesn't want it to be dead?
+Hey, what's God gonna do? Make my wife leave me again?
+What does he want now?
+If he wants to sleep with us, forget it.
+Put him down, boy! Put him down!
+Once upon a time there were three bears. The end.
+Oh fine, I'll go back to the beginning.
+Oh no, I crushed that horrible bug. What should I do?
+Bury it. Quickly, before anyone finds out.
+I'm gonna tell!
+Now we're in it together. There's no goin' back.
+Stop what you're doing!
+Why don't I hear any screaming?
+Uh, he's sleeping.
+Then why don't I hear any sleep-screams?
+Well, uh, the thing about that is, uh...
+Woo hoo! He's alive. Now you can't punish me.
+Homer Simpson, for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery, I sentence you to two hundred hours of community service.
+Next case... Duffman vs. Duff Brewing Corporation.
+Duffman's pension has been mismanaged. Oh, yeah!
+Objection! That party-hearty attitude is a registered trademark of the Duff Corporation.
+Whatever happened to... fair use!
+Lousy Community Service. Meals on wheels! Eat it up or I go to jail!
+Didn't these meals used to have a cobbler?
+Uh, they discontinued the cobbler.
+You smell like cobbler.
+Now let's not get into who smells like what.
+Come in!
+Oh, I can't let you leave now.
+Safe and sound.
+That's better.
+Thank God. I'm out of matches. Oh no, here's another one.
+Please don't kill me! I won't tell anyone about the skeleton. And I could bring you more victims. Like Lenny! He'd go great with wild rice.
+Oh, don't be such a nervous Purvis. That's not a real skeleton, it's a Halloween costume.
+But what about the axe?
+Oh, don't be silly. I just use that to chop through those tough Meals-on-Wheels steaks.
+Oh, I couldn't possibly eat all this. Please join me.
+Eh, you're the shut-in.
+...so I threw the super ball so hard it hit the ceiling twice, then broke a lamp.
+Oh Homer, I feel like I'm talking to Bennett Cerf.
+Yeah, I've gotten a lot of compliments about my talking.
+Before you go, would you mind opening this jar of butter pickles?
+My pleasure.
+Oh my, you're as strong as you are handsome.
+And I can ride my bike real fast.
+Aren't you a wonder!
+Can I call you the next time I need a muscular he-man?
+Hey, I'm not running an employment service, you old ba-- Oh-ho-ho, you mean me? I'd be delighted.
+Y'ello! Hi, Mrs. Bellamy. No, I'm not doing anything. I can mow your lawn.
+Cover for me.
+Hello?... Uh-huh. Yes Mrs. Bellamy, I'll be right there.
+That woman is taking advantage of you, and we need you to do things around here. The oven light is out and you never finished filling up the aquarium.
+Marge, I can't say no to a helpless old lady. They put spells on you!
+Fine. I'll go talk to her.
+...Homer's family needs him too, and that's that.
+Oh Marge, you're such a good woman to care so much about your husband.
+All I have left of my Chester is his tattered old army jacket.
+Well, let me sew that up for you.
+Make sure you double stitch, then do these socks.
+Darn her socks?... I say, darn her! I'll do them and then I'm outta here.
+Did you hear that Gertie had a terrible fall outside the thrift store?
+Ha! She would fall there.
+Who do I have to gum to get a refill?
+Freshen your drinks, ladies?
+Laxative?
+Ah Mother, may I read a magazine while I wait in the car?
+Don't you read enough at school, bookworm?
+I am so sick of doing her dirty work. She's taking advantage of us, Homer.
+The Missus prefers you call me Simpson.
+She's got a set of lungs on her.
+Are you all right?
+That man took my diamond necklace.
+Don't worry. You're gonna be just fine. I--
+Oh my gosh, she's dead.
+Buh... guh... muh... wuh. Zuh.
+So let me get this straight. This mysterious "man with braces" just stabbed the old lady and disappeared?
+Without a trace.
+God no.
+I found her will, Chief. It was just changed to leave the Simpsons fifty thousand dollars.
+Oh-ho, so it's a good thing she died. From our point of view. Financially.
+Well, I'd like to thank you both for cooperating with our DID YOU DO IT?!
+Chief Wiggum, Homer and I are innocent.
+Sorry Marge. I-I can't believe I tried to trick you with such an underhanded DID YOU DO IT?!
+Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just be... DOES THAT EVER WORK?
+No, nah, it never does.
+Book 'im, Lou.
+Yeah, sure, go ahead. I'll be back on the streets by dinnertime, you'll see.
+...And the elephant that couldn't stop laughing was put to death. Speaking of death, octogenarian Myrna Bellamy was brutally murdered last night. The top suspects, her disgruntled servants, Homer and Marge Simpson.
+Top suspects?
+Oh dear, now everyone will think Homer and I did it. The real killer is the man with the braces.
+Yeah, if Dad killed everyone he talked about killing, would any of us be here?
+You'd be dead a million times.
+Do you really think Homer could be a killer?
+I just can't believe a man we sat and drank with all these years could do such a horrible thing.
+Well, we've all got that voice in our heads telling us to kill. You just have to drown it out.
+I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD / ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY... Yeah, that's better.
+Oh man, what a day. I'd kill for a beer.
+Right away, sir. I-I-I don't want no trouble.
+I'd stab somebody for a pickle.
+Gimme some peanuts.
+Up-bup-bup. You didn't say you'd kill me.
+I'll kill you if you don't give me some peanuts.
+Today's readings come from Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
+Maybe just Matthew and Mark.
+Next on the Springfield Death Tour is the home of Marge and Homer Simpson... also known as "H. Diddy and his murder ho".
+Go away!
+Wait, wait! That's a suggestion, not a threat!
+What? It goes right by our house.
+This is ridiculous. You've been through my delicates, my silkies, my dainties, and my unmentionables.
+I insist on searching every inch of this home personally.
+Here's my underwear drawer.
+Where's that robot?
+Hey Chief, you better get in here.
+Mrs. Bellamy's necklace!
+Homer and Marge Simpson, you're under arrest for the murder of Myrna Bellamy.
+Oh Homer, what are we going to do?
+You know Chief, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
+I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag! Because I can just swipe it later from the evidence locker.
+Your wife's gonna look pretty good in that, Chief.
+Yeah, she's a super lady.
+I can't believe we've been arrested for murder.
+Don't worry, Marge. I'll cut us a deal by becoming a jailhouse snitch. I know who stopped up the toilet!
+Now don't worry, kids. You'll be placed with a caring foster family.
+Young'uns, meet your new brother and sister. They's worth five dollars a day, county money.
+I'm Bart and this is Lisa.
+Them's city names. From now on you're Dingus Squatford Junior and Pamela E. Lee.
+But I like my old name.
+You hush up, Dingus.
+They hated the victim, her death earned them fifty thousand dollars and the necklace was found in their home.
+Does the defense have any closing remarks?
+Well, not, not at this time, your Honor.
+This is the only time.
+Oh well, eh, eh, then no.
+Mr. Foreman, have you reached a verdict?
+Verdict? Is that what we were supposed to do?
+Well in all my years on the bench--
+'Cause that's what we did!
+Oh-ho-ho, you juries... Gonna be the... How do you find?
+We find the defendants guilty.
+Homer and Marge Simpson, I sentence you to death in the electric chair.
+But we're innocent! It was the man with the braces.
+Can't you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card. Play it.
+We appreciate your coming to comfort us, but we're not Catholic.
+Oh, dear, dear, dear. Well, then I hope you enjoy your stay in Hell.
+Nice dress.
+Go home and have sex with your wife?
+That's it, bring it on!
+C'mon, ya stinkin'...
+How can you have such an appetite at a time like this?
+I'm also your host. Now let's meet a ghost!
+Let's just say I'm planning a little surprise for the execution. This cannon is going to be full when I go off. Ka-boom!
+Y'know, this is our last night... and our cells are side-by-side...
+It's hard to get in the mood... with all those murderous eyes staring at us...
+Just think of them as twinkling stars.
+Homie, I'm sorry. I can't. I just keep thinking about everything we're gonna miss. The kids growing up, grandchildren...
+I want to confess. I killed and robbed the old lady all by myself. Marge is completely innocent. The only thing she's guilty of is loving too much the murder I did.
+Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson. Your husband confessed to everything. You're free to go.
+My love. You saved my life.
+Now you do it for me.
+Dead man walkin' on the green mile!
+Give me your hands, boss.
+I'll kill you! I killed them other people, I'm gon kill you too!
+You want some cornbread, Mr. Jingles? Well you can forget it, because I'm gon kill you!
+Hello? Yes, Governor. No, Governor, it's not too late. Yes, Governor, I'll tell him right away.
+The Governor says that he hopes you're a twitcher. Oh yes.
+Chin up, Homer... We've gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem.
+Thank you.
+Goodbye, Marge.
+I'll always love you.
+You're on "Frame-Up"!
+That's right. Homer Simpson, you're the latest victim of the new reality show "Frame-Up"!
+It's the man with the braces!
+Mrs. Bellamy?
+There never was a Mrs. Bellamy.
+Only me, Carmen Electra!
+I knew it!
+And I'm some actor they hired!
+"Frame Up" is Fox's latest hit! Right after "No Pants Island" and "Fart Date."
+This whole thing was a joke? Oh, I've never been so relieved! Relieved and angry.
+So wait a minute, wait a minute. You tied up the judicial system -- costing the city millions of dollars -- just for a TV show?
+And I-I'm going to be in the show?
+Can Eddie and Lou get producer credits?
+Now, what are your last names?
+We don't have them. We're like Cher.
+Oh Homie, I'm so lucky to be married to such a selfless and loving man.
+Mom, Dad, thank God you're okay.
+We were in the Green Room. I had so much shrimp!
+Well, I'm glad everyone's all right, but I think you should be ashamed -- toying with a human life for TV ratings.
+Uh Homer, my face is up here.
+I've made my choice.
+Hey hey! Hey hey! Hey hey!
+Hey hey! Hey...
+So hot, so sticky...
+Marge?!
+I'm back here.
+Ah, the old folks. It happens every heat wave.
+Okay people, out of my freezer!
+/ / Oy.
+But we're hot and elderly.
+I'm sorry, these are reserved for the recently deceased.
+Hm... Don't you go too far.
+This air conditioning is better than any truant officer. I'm seeing students I haven't seen in years.
+Eyy, Mrs. K.
+Oh, Arthur.
+We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend. Hey-oh!
+Gentlemen, our city's sucking down the juice like my wife at an open bar. Mr. Burns, can your plant handle it?
+No problem. We've siphoned off extra power from the orphanage. Who are they going to complain to -- their parents?
+But sir, we're at full capacity. One more appliance could overload the system.
+Fear not. Our town has dodged disaster and I have come out smelling like guestroom soap.
+You know what will cool this place down? A little touch of winter.
+Dad, no. We're trying to conserve energy.
+Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win!
+JINGLE BELL, JINGLE BELL, JINGLE BELL RO...
+Jingle bell what?
+Dad, it's a blackout.
+A blackout?! Every time Santa and I get together it's a disaster.
+Oh no! The power's out! We'll miss Fox Celebrity Boxing!
+I heard tonight they have Ed Bradley versus Mr. Ed.
+It's terrible -- all the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous.
+Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerkoff headed right for me, yakkin' away on his cell phone.
+Huh, I hear that. I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey! Who're you talkin' to, your boyfriend?
+Hey, jackass, your voice sounds familiar!
+I don't hear an alarm. Let's take stuff.
+Wow, isn't that stealing?
+No, it's just looting.
+Sweet. Let's go nuts.
+Mannequins, you can't buy these!
+Oh, look at all these tube socks!
+Aw, crap.
+Kent, this city has exploded in a fireball of pent-up rage.
+I think what the viewers want to know, Arnie, is: "Is my house okay?"
+You mean, is your giant castle okay, Kent?
+Don't hate me because I bought at the right time, Arnie.
+When's my right time, Kent? When's my right time?
+Oh, no! They're stealing the tire fire!
+Ow! Ow! Ah! Ah! / Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! / Ee! / Hot! / Ooh!
+Finally, some repression.
+All right, everyone. Disperse immediately. We are prepared to use force and-- What? What? We're not prepared, Eddie? Uh-oh.
+Someone call 911!
+Aw, they never come.
+Thus ends the Rule of Law.
+Look at those looters breaking windows, setting fires... They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them. Please can I throw one little...
+What if I just burn down a...
+Can't I at least incite further...
+No! I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus. No more irresponsible behavior.
+Can I have a beer?
+All right, but not the imported.
+You've got to set limits, Marge.
+No beer!
+Get your T-shirts here. "I survived the Springfield riot!"
+Remember me as a hero.
+Yarr. The looters stole me glass eye.
+This be a superball.
+Back in my day, we had people who stood up to ruffians. We called them men.
+I agree with the hideous crone!
+Hear, hear! / Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah! / She's ugly!
+I think I speak for myself, Comic Book Guy and Bumblebee Man when I say, "I blame Chief Clancy Wiggum?"
+Yeah! /
+You know, it's not just my fault. You were the ones doing all the looting.
+Oh sure. Blame the victims. Throw some Nikes at his head.
+What size?
+People, rest assured -- the Police Department's ineptitude shall not stand! I am announcing the formation of a blue-ribbon committee.
+A committee?
+Did he say blue ribbon?
+Committees don't get any better than that.
+Man, am I appeased.
+So, uh... can we keep the stuff we stole?
+I think that's implied.
+I don't care what they say. I won't feel safe in this town until we have better police.
+Yeah. Wiggum couldn't catch cooties at Milhouse's birthday party.
+Oh. Seriously, everyone says your parties rock.
+Homer, this is all your fault. If you hadn't plugged in your dancing Santa, none of this would have happened.
+I admit it. I did screw up, but I won't feel guilty until I can put a human face on this.
+Wrong answer.
+Mom, Dad, someone stole my Malibu Stacy collection!
+Marge, doesn't Lisa have a human face?
+Yes, and she's crying.
+That's it. Nobody messes with my little girl. I'm gonna find those dolls.
+Are you gonna call the police?
+Oh, forget it. They couldn't catch a cold with a... a, a cold-catching thing.
+See, when you don't use Milhouse, it's hard. I love this kid.
+Interesting. All right, I've come up with a composite sketch of my prime suspect.
+Dad, that's Bart.
+Exactly.
+Look at him over there, eating that apple. What's he planning? What?!
+Maybe we should look for clues.
+You're right. What's this?
+From "The Woolly Bully."
+Do you sell hats?
+To people?
+People with heads?
+Sometimes.
+Dude... I need a new cap.
+Did you steal dolls from my daughter?
+I think they demean women.
+Well think again. Son, you're going to juvie.
+But I just got out of juvie.
+Good, 'cause I need directions.
+Well, you'll be happy to know Malibu Stacey's fine. I really appreciate what you did, Dad.
+You said you'd do something, and you followed through on it.
+Hey, you know, stopping criminals is fun. And I felt like a big man pushing that kid around.
+Yo, empty the register, dude.
+Okay, okay, you're the boss.
+Silent alarm activated.
+Oh, that's it.
+Cheese!
+That's muy picante!
+Homer, you are so brave. If anyone deserves to take a penny, it is you.
+Oh, well... Heh, heh. Hm... oh, I'll... no....
+Come on, come on. There's only one in there.
+You know, I've had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippy, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, Mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the Mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
+If you like protecting people, you could make that your job. You know, start a security company.
+Finally, a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people.
+Fellas, I'm starting my own private police force. Will you join me?
+Well, who would my partner be?
+How 'bout Lenny?
+No way!
+You'll do as I say or I'll have your badges. Once I make and give you your badges.
+Flanders, I was able to find your missing leaf blower, belt sander and morning newspapers.
+Well, nice work, Inspector Find-It. Did you catch the thief?
+Who said it was a he?
+Well, I sure didn't.
+Who said you did?
+Nobody.
+Okely-dokely.
+You're pushing your luck, pal.
+Ooh, ooh! Here's my commercial!
+A monster!
+Is this you? If it is, don't dial nine one one. Simply dial six three six five five five three four seven two.
+Help me, SpringShield!
+Have no fear, SpringShield's present!
+Thank you, SpringShield.
+Friend?
+The only friend you need is SpringShield.
+Monster put in wallet.
+That commercial is very effective.
+You know, the old lady's apartment was actually Lenny's. We just used a different duvet cover.
+Well, they're both lovely.
+Hey officer Homer, how'd you get so big and strong?
+Green vegetables and homework.
+Aw, shucks.
+Hey, officer Homer. You look-a hungry. I shine-a you up a nice big pizza.
+Wow. Look at Dad. People really respect him.
+Hold your heads up high, kids.
+I didn't know my chin went that far up.
+Oh yeah, that's the pride.
+Homie, to honor Springfield's newest hero, I made you your favorite dinner. All three courses are dessert.
+Even dessert?
+Dessert is three desserts.
+Mr. Mayor, you've been unflinching in your support of Chief Wiggum.
+Yes, I still believe in our duly-appointed police force. Behind these doors are the finest cops ever to wriggle into size forty-six pants. Wiggum?
+Am I getting warmer?
+Clancy, you're a disgrace.
+And in my blind rage, I hereby turn over all this town's police duties to Homer Simpson and SpringShield.
+Woo hoo! I'm Chief of Police.
+Police? Uh-oh.
+Oh, wait. It was better the other way.
+Now that I am the law, I'm gonna make a lot of changes around here. First, I'm gonna cut overhead by freeing Otis, the lovable town drunk.
+You can let me go, but I'll just keep exposing myself at the mall.
+What a character.
+Cool, a lie detector.
+Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.
+Dad, make him stop!
+Well, according to this, he's tellin' the truth.
+Hurry up, boys. We gotta get these "toy poodles" to the pet shop.
+All right, Fat Tony. Your little game is over.
+Hey, how'd you find us?
+One of these ferrets is wearing a wire.
+You're not a pet and you're not a friend. You're nothing to me.
+With this latest arrest, Springfield is now free of crime, although overrun with ferrets.
+Happy days, people. Truly happy days.
+Daddy, how come you're not at work?
+I don't know, how come you're not at school?
+My teacher says she's tired of trying.
+Yeah, well, so am I, Ralphie, so am I.
+Hey, it's Bill and Marty on the line right now with Springfield's very own Fat Tony.
+I wish to announce that my associates and I will gun down Homer Simpson if he has not left town by noon tomorrow.
+Wow, that's quite a threat. Do you have a song request?
+Radar Love.
+If that thug thinks he can run me out of town... oh man, I love this song.
+I'VE BEEN DRIVING ALL NIGHT, HAND'S WET ON THE WHEEL... THERE'S A VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT DRIVES MY HEEL... IT'S MY BABY CALLIN' ON THE TELEPHONE... I GOT SOME PIZZA AND I'M BRINGIN' IT HOME...
+You all know me. I've kept the streets safe for you and your children. I've tricked or treated at many of your houses. Last year I was Jar Jar Binks. Now, who will stand and fight with me?
+I'm with you, Homer.
+Shut up, Flanders. Anyone else? What about you, Dr. Hibbert?
+Oh, uh, well I'd, I'd love to help you, Homer. But I have too darn much to live for. I-I just discovered Thai food.
+I'd help you, but I have yet to kiss a human girl.
+And I've got a TiVo full of unwatched "Dharrr-ma and Gregs."
+Sorry Homer. I'm a coward now, like all recovering alcoholics.
+After everything I did you're going to abandon me?
+Homie, please. Why don't you just leave town?
+What, and let them come after you and the kids?
+We could come with you.
+In one car? With no air conditioning? And the little poop machine going every twenty minutes?
+I need you guys to help me. Why'd you lock yourselves in?
+Hey, why does anyone do anything?
+The point is, what's done is done.
+Ah, my Jersey muscle. It's so good to see you. Did you have a nice flight, Johnny Tightlips?
+I ain't sayin' nothin'.
+I understand. How is your mother?
+Ooh, wee, who says I have a mother?
+Very well. Let's do this thing.
+Is your husband at home?
+Fat Tony, how can you do this?
+Sorry, but this is the business we've chosen.
+But you're just perpetuating a negative Italian-American stereotype. I mean, you could be a pizza man, organ grinder, uh... leaning tower maker... and... did I say pizza man?
+You are listing my broken dreams.
+I don't get it. I finally did a job where I wasn't lazy, stupid, or corrupt -- and now I'm gonna get killed for it.
+Any last words, Simpson?
+Yeah, you can kill me, but someone'll take my place. And if you kill him, someone'll take his place. And that's pretty much the end of it. The town'll be yours.
+All right, let's do it.
+Dibs on the crotch.
+He's got backup!
+Somebody does care!
+Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter?
+I see a lot of things.
+You know, you could be a little more helpful.
+Oh Homie, I'm so glad you're alive!
+Yeah, but this town doesn't deserve me. I'm giving this badge to the next guy I see.
+That's funny. 'Cause this is how I got the job the first time.
+I'm so glad this all worked out. Thanks for saving my husband, Chief.
+Hey, I didn't shoot anybody. They took my gun, they took my badge... hell, they would have taken my squad car if I hadn't hid it under some hay.
+Well then, who shot all the gangsters?
+I must have a guardian angel -- with a rifle.
+Hm. Time to check in on our little sweetie pie.
+Aw, she's taking a nap.
+Yeah, probably dreaming about the time she shot Mr. Burns.
+She's just like Clark Kent. When there's lots of excitement, she's nowhere to be found. Nighty-night, sweetie.
+I don't know, neighboreenos, I'm all for Halloween fun, but a séance sounds a little PG-13.
+But this is your chance to contact your late wife, Maude.
+Well, I do miss the Mrs...
+Maude Flanders, we the living beseech you to appear.
+Ne-e-ed, I'm ba-a-ack! Give me a ki-i-iss.
+Chill out dudes, it's me, Bart Simpson.
+What are you lookin' at?
+Maude! You still look as pretty as the day I buried you.
+Are you ready for tales that will shatter your spine and boil your blood?!
+Well, duh.
+Then... Choke on these!!
+Now to spend some quality time away from my family.
+I've got a whole list of things for you to do today.
+My favorite is number three!
+Oh, I'd love to, but someone made me too many pancakes and now I have to sleep them off.
+Those were for the church breakfast.
+Were they now?
+Hammocks!
+Get your hammocks!
+The hammock man! I'm glad he's a little early today.
+The price is ten dollars, but I MUST warn you, this is no ordinary hammock. Its webbing is a mesh of comfort... and evil.
+You had me at comfort.
+Mr. Hammock, say hello to Madam Ass.
+What the...? It made another me! How cool is that?
+Hm, no belly-button.
+Shuttle's in the hangar!
+You wanna be my slave?
+Outstanding.
+Speed it up, ugly.
+Eh, he had a good run.
+I'm gonna need help with this.
+Beer... for me?
+No, you've got chores to do.
+Chores? Me need clone.
+Clone?! That's ridiculous. Where am I supposed to find a... wait a minute.
+Wow, four of me. I think this could be a magic hammock. And it just might be the answer to my problems.
+What do you think, Homer? Does this make my hips look big?
+Outfit good... flatters butt.
+Aren't you a dear.
+...Then after World War II, it got kind of quiet, 'til Superman challenged F.D.R. to a race around the world. F.D.R. beat him by a furlong -- or so the comic books would have you believe. The truth lies somewhere in between, and...
+Me good Dad.
+Hm. Does Dad seem a little... dumber than usual?
+Me not notice.
+Homie, you've been such a sweetheart today. Let's go upstairs and...
+I'll take it from here, Fake-o.
+Nuh-uh.
+Uh-huh!
+Why you little...
+Man, are we evenly matched.
+Me concur.
+But of course.
+I mean, four!
+Kids, your father made us breakfast.
+Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
+Say Homer, I was, uh, I was wondering if I could borrow that chainsaw you, uh, stole from me.
+Yeah, but you'll have to leave a credit card.
+No problem! Discover okay?
+Okay, here's my Amex.
+Homie, I must say you have the energy of twenty men lately.
+Twenty-three. Now, today I'm gonna mow the lawn, do my taxes, shoot hoops with Bart and girl it up with Lisa.
+Ohh, I gotta get rid of these guys.
+Now before I abandon you in this cornfield, does anyone remember the way home?
+Anybody else?
+Anybody else? Come on...
+Okay, everyone out!
+Now to make sure this hammock never troubles anyone again.
+Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes.
+Ah, look at that corn. Ol' Gil's hard work is finally payin' off.
+Well, at least I got my health.
+Beer-beer-beer-beer-beer-beer-beer-beer-beer-beer!
+Goldie, you were more than just a goldfish -- you were a member of the family.
+Like comedy clubs in the late eighties, these ravenous clones are everywhere! They've destroyed every building in town, except Moe's Tavern, which is reporting record business.
+Now, uh... who's gonna be pickin' up the tab?
+Len-ny.
+Anything for Homers!
+Dad, is there something you'd like to tell us about this horde?
+You'd think so, but no.
+They look like you, they were rude to Patty and Selma, and the horde has been described as "very gassy."
+Yeah, it's a good group.
+Currently, the, uh, Vietcong-- I mean the, uh, Homers, are occupying these areas. By tomorrow...
+Good God, we're doomed!
+We're out of donuts!
+That's it! I know exactly what we should do.
+Thank God.
+And you said we shouldn't let little girls in the War Room.
+Look, I was wrong, okay?
+Mmmmmm, donuts.
+Thank you, General. That's a big relief.
+The horde is almost dead! There's still some writhing and twitching, but that should stop by morning.
+Good news.
+One handsome hubby is all I need.
+No bellybutton?! You're a clone! Then the real Homer...
+First over cliff.
+My Homie's dead? How will I go on?
+You like back rub?
+Oh well.
+Rest in peace, pal.
+"William H. Bonney." "Gunned Down July 14, 1881. Aged twenty-one." So young.
+"I dream of a world without guns." Don't we all, William.
+Lisa has a dead boyfriend!
+He's not my dead boyfriend, he is a dead boy who happens to be my friend. Mr. Bonney, I am going to make your dream come true!
+If not for guns, poor William Bonney might have become a doctor, or a Senator...
+Or a frustrated novelist!
+Sure. The point is, let's stop the madness and ban guns now!
+Yee haw! The girl's right!
+I'm sorry. I can't live without passion.
+Well, well. Not so tough without your gun, are you, Snake?
+OW, I guess you are. That's what I like about this job. You learn stuff.
+...Twenty eight, twenty nine... There's one missing.
+Not Mr. Blasty?
+It's okay, boy. You'll be shooting angels in heaven.
+Well, boys, now it's our turn.
+This always made me feel like a man, you know. Now all I got is my enormous genitals.
+Three cheers for a gun-free Springfield. Hip hip...
+Hooray!
+Hip hip...
+Hooray!
+Hip hip...
+Hooray!
+Springfield's weapons of death have been converted into weapons of climbing and sliding.
+The bumps tickle my bottom.
+I proudly declare our town utterly defenseless!
+Oh, dear.
+If only poor William Bonney were here to see his dream come true.
+Oh, but I am.
+William Bonney?!
+Better known as Billy the Kid.
+Looks like the only guns left are in my cold dead hands. Now I'd like you to meet the "Hole in the Ground" Gang: Frank and Jesse James...
+The Sundance Kid...
+What happened to Butch Cassidy?
+What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know.
+And the most evil German of all time, Kaiser Wilhelm.
+He ain't no cowboy!
+Sure I am. Yippy wippy wippy!
+Okay, he's in.
+Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor and shoot the money!
+Achtung!
+Play us some pian-ee.
+That's piano! I said "pian-ee!"
+You, play the cell-ee.
+You, sing a song about cattle rustlin'.
+And you sing one about robbin' banks.
+CALF'S IN THE FIELD SO YOU SNEAK UP SLOW / GRAB 'IM BY THE TAIL AND GO MAN GO...
+BREAK INTO THE BANK AND SNATCH THAT DOUGH...
+PLEASE DON'T HURT OUR FAMILY.
+Marge, let me do a solo. This could be my big break.
+I very much doubt that, Homer. These are horrible ghouls from the past.
+Hey, so are the Grammy judges. --
+Pardon the grabbing, but I've perfected a device that could save us all... a time machine. We can go back to the past and save our guns.
+Aw, for flayvin out loud, I hope he doesn't do anything to ruin the space-time continuum.
+...poor William Bonney might have become a doctor, or a Senator...
+Hear me, people of the past!
+Hey everyone, that's us!
+I come to deliver a terrifying message of hope. Grab your guns and follow me!
+Dad, what are you doing?
+Oh, how to explain this to a child... Hm... Future Daddy needs to double-kill these corpses so they won't come back as zombies, and-- Get 'im!
+Another tragedy prevented by gun violence!
+I guess guns really are the answer.
+Hear me, people of Springfield. I come from yet another distant future where gun violence has destroyed the very Earth itself.
+What is this, open mike night?
+Ha! Now to get me some caveman hookers.
+Tell me again why we're spending our vacation on "The Island of Lost Souls"?
+Hey, what could be more fun than an island shaped like a big smiley face?
+Welcome to my island.
+Dr. Hibbert? But we heard you'd gone mad.
+Yes, completely mad... about providing top-notch vacation values. Willie, help them with their bags.
+Now he may try to slobber on your crotch.
+Hey, I've been around Scotsmen.
+Homer, someone's in trouble!
+Hey, I'm on vacation.
+Dr. Hibbert, this is a top-notch resort. Can you recommend some activities?
+Well, one activity you might enjoy is not asking questions.
+Milk me!
+But man's inquisitive nature is what separates us from the animals.
+And why must we be separated, dammit? Think what Shakespeare might have accomplished if he'd had the eyes of an eagle. Or could spray stink on his critics. Now who'd like some turkey?
+It's a lovely nerd I mean bird.
+Wait a minute now. Guess what, I'm dying with the basting and the butterballing and the chestnut stuff-ing in my pupik! Gobble, gobble, gobble death.
+Homie, something very creepy is going on here.
+You mean, they're gonna try to sell us time shares?
+I think I'm going to do a little sleuthing.
+Bring back some ice.
+"House of Pain". This must be where you pay the bill. Why am I always so funny when no one's around?
+Oh, I'm around.
+What's up, honey? Want a little lovin'?
+Quiet, youse!
+Isn't vacation sex always the best?
+Marge, you were like a wild beast. So voracious and prowly.
+And I've never seen you use your tail like that.
+Oh my God! She's become a monster! Which I have to admit, I sort of suspected during the sex.
+Gotta find a way to change Marge back. And replace the M&Ms I took from the mini bar.
+Hey, Homer!
+Flanders?! A perfect vacation ruined.
+Hate to be a needy Neddy, but, uh, could you do me a favor...?
+Uh, I really don't wanna do that, Ned.
+Oh, c'mon Homer. All I'm asking is for you to yank my teats and harvest my milk.
+Oooh, that's nice. You're actually quite gentle when you want to be.
+You know, you're not helping.
+IN THE JUNGLE, THE CREEPY JUNGLE / HOMER RIDES A FREAK...
+Shhh. Hey.
+What's that?
+I'm a dog.
+Hear me, accursed brethren! I understand that some of you are still wearing tattered pants. Please throw them on the bonfire and embrace your animal essence.
+Okay, but I'm keeping the tattered vest. I still have my dignity-- Hey, slops!
+Oooh, a toenail!
+I can't believe it. Hibbert's turned you all into human guinea pigs!
+We prefer "Italian-American" pigs.
+Hey Dad, check it out!
+Eat... my... shorts?! Why you little...
+Maggie!
+We were just playing.
+What game?
+Let's eat Maggie.
+Manimals, invertebroads! You must fight back against the one who did this to you!
+Yarr, the half-man, half-gorilla speaks the truth.
+Now I admit I made a few mistakes -- but all in the name of progress.
+Hear, hear.
+It's Mr. Burns --
+...With a Fox attitude!
+Think about it, my hideous children. Aren't you better off now than you were as humans?
+Me gusto pollen.
+Disco Shrew can still boogaloo.
+Wait'll Moe sees how wasted I got without him. He's gonna plotz.
+You guys are nuts. All you can do is eat and sleep and mate and roll around in your own filth and mate and eat... where do I sign up?
+So how do you like being a walrus, Dad?
+It's great! I haven't been this skinny since high school.
+Homie, someone owes me a back scratch.
+Look at that island -- shaped like our number four.
+Makes you think.
+Hi, Moe, got any beer?
+Sure, check in the fridge.
+Wait a minute. I'm at work. Ya gotta pay for it.
+What the-- Where's my money?
+"Dear Homie, Had to buy diapers for Maggie. Love, Marge."
+Simpson.
+"Dear Dad, Took money for the school book fair."
+"Homer, I need cash or they're gonna break my legs."
+Sorry, Homer.
+So you're just gonna let me walk out of here sober.
+I'm afraid so.
+And you can live with that.
+Yuh-huh.
+Fine. There are plenty of other ways for me to alter my consciousness.
+Oh, yeah.
+Are you gonna buy those toads or just lick 'em?
+Lick 'em. Go away.
+Thanks for the donation, Mr. Simpson. Do you feel okay?
+Jewish? Oh, no, I'm not Jewish.
+You wouldn't serve Homer just 'cause he didn't have money?
+What happened to you, Moe? You used to be about the booze.
+Yeah, I guess I got caught up in all the glitz and glamour.
+Well, Moe...
+Homer, I'm so sorry. Have a free beer.
+Ah, I don't care about the color of your skin, Lenny. You're my friend!
+Man, I've never seen anybody get loaded so fast.
+Homer, can you say the alphabet backwards?
+Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you, ya...
+Hey, I'm worried.
+I've had just about enough of you.
+Oh yeah?!
+Ah, rats.
+I'm outta here...
+Hey, we can't let our friend drive like this. I'm liable, here.
+Get his keys!
+Hey, you want my keys?
+Get 'em now, jerks.
+So long, jerks.
+Running after the car, huh? Let's see if you can follow this.
+Oh, that's it.
+Where to, Pal?
+Moe's Tavern.
+Good morning, everybody! What's for breakfast, cutie?
+Homie, it's five p.m. We're having dinner.
+What? Wait a... That can't be right! Wait, was last night the night we set the clocks ahead eight hours?
+No, it was the night you got loaded at Moe's and the car had to be towed home.
+If I was that drunk, I would remember it.
+It's true. I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
+Couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie?
+But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.
+Do you remember how you got home last night, Dad?
+Of course. It was, uh... some kind of a... light rail.
+There's no light rail in Springfield.
+Oh, won't anyone pretend to believe me?
+I will, Dad.
+And that's why you're my favorite.
+All right, time for my favorite show.
+"MTC: Monkey Trauma Center" will not be seen tonight, so we may proudly present this much cheaper show...
+Taxicab Conversations...
+Hey, I read about this show in Teen Modern Maturity. They film passengers with hidden cameras and catch them at their most uninhibited.
+That explains that.
+Looks like somebody got down tonight...
+Disco Stu always gets down, baby, 'cuz when the beat is hot, the... Hey, can you keep a secret?
+What is it, hon?
+I hate disco. It's all I've talked about for so long, that people think I'm a one-note guy.
+It's just getting harder, you know?
+I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.
+How ya doin'?
+Talky thing, ain't ya...
+Another proud moment for the Simpsons.
+I don't remember anybody telling me I was gonna be on TV.
+So what do you do for a living?
+Oh you know, I'm a guy at a place. How'd you get such a crappy job? You a convict or a junkie?
+Little o' both. You got a family?
+Oh yeah... wife and two or three kids. Can't imagine my life without 'em.
+Oh, you big fooler. Pretending not to remember so you could surprise us.
+Yeah, I'm pretty great...
+At the end of a hard day, there's no better feeling than comin' home to the people you love.
+Oh, Homie...
+That is so sweet.
+I had no idea, Dad. I just assumed with all the stranglings, you know...
+That my family isn't the center of my universe? Are you nuts?
+Then there's those other days. Where you just wish you never got married or had kids.
+One minute, you're a carefree teenager with dreams of being a rock star, or a photographer for Playboy... Then bam, some babe gets her claws in ya...And boom, you got a buncha kids that always need love.
+So whammo, you get stuck in some boring job where they don't let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women, and all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat, and kiss your dreams good-bye...
+Oh, I can't believe they took "Monkey Trauma Center" off for this.
+Lousy family...
+So I'm just some babe who sank her claws into you?!
+A hot babe...
+Have you always resented us, Dad?
+Oh, I don't resent you, sweetheart. What I was trying to say, and maybe I didn't use the right words, was that marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail, but as coffins go...
+Please don't say any more!
+Sorry we ruined your life, Homer.
+Oh, what have I done?
+Get in.
+Get in.
+Hey, what's this suitcase for? Are we going on a trip?
+You are.
+Where are you taking me?
+A place where you'll never be bothered by your family again.
+Get out of the car, Homer.
+You can't just leave me out here! There's not another woman for miles!
+Sorry, Dad. Maybe now you'll appreciate us...
+...while you're spending the week at...
+Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp!
+"The Rolling Stones Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp!!" But I thought you guys were mad at me. For once in my life, I'm confused.
+We had a family meeting and decided that even though what you said about us was incredibly thoughtless and hurtful, you had a point.
+Damn straight.
+You work a job you don't like so I'm able to be home with the kids.
+And you take me places you hate, like museums, plays, and the Olive Garden.
+And even though you knew I ratted you out to the IRS, you never busted me on it.
+You what?
+So to say thank you for all your sacrifices, we spent our family vacation fund on something that's just for you. Do you like it?
+You guys are the best. I love you, I love you, I love you...
+I'm okay. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...
+Hey, what gives? Where are all the rock stars?
+I don't know, but it's starting to get dark.
+What was that?
+It's gettin' closer!
+Hello campers!
+How ya doin'?
+Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! It's Mick Jagger and Keith Richards...
+Welcome to Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp, where you'll experience the complete rock 'n' roll lifestyle, without the lawsuits and STD's.
+Woo! STD's!
+Now you're all here for one reason...
+To rock!
+Who said that?
+That's right, Otto. We're here to rock!
+So get a good night's sleep and remember Rule Number One: there are no rules!
+Rule Number Two: no outside food!
+/ Oh, what a gyp.
+Hey Mick, will you teach us your cocksure strut?
+Not today. I've got a ton of paperwork to catch up on.
+Ha, tell me about it. At my job, we... Oh, oh, you're gone.
+Hey! Wake up!
+Are you ready...to receive professional training in rock?!
+Have you been awake all night?
+I am so excited I couldn't fall asleep! I even took some pills I found on the floor and still nothing!
+You took pills you found on the floor?
+Uh-huh. Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die. Isn't Mick cool? I thought he'd be all like, "I'm a rock star. Aren't I great?" But he's just like you or me or Jesus over there.
+Guitar! Guitar! / Can I have a guitar?! / I want a guitar! Definitely a guitar!
+People, people, if everyone's gonna pick guitar, I'm not gonna have enough to go around.
+/ Come on.
+But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass.
+Come on, who'd like to be a bass player?
+Out of my way, Nerdlinger.
+My image!
+Here you go.
+I'm telling Mr. Jagger.
+Ooh, I'm telling Mr. Jagger.
+The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality.
+Like this, Mr. Kravitz?
+May we talk about, uh... accentuating the... masculine area?
+Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now I don't do it. Kenny Loggins does.
+I trusted you!
+Now a guitar has many, many nicknames -- an axe, a gitbox... Well, I guess that's it. Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals: playing a burning guitar with your teeth.
+Fire! / Yes! / All right! Fire! / Hey!
+Mr. Seltzer?
+Setzer.
+No, I think it's Seltzer.
+What is it, Homer?
+I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool.
+Baby, baby, baby, baby!
+We've gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal.
+Sorry Mick!
+Simp-sonn!!
+Okay, strut, strut, strut, strut, strut, spin and... rooster!
+Look everyone, Homer's got it.
+I'M SO HOT FOR ME, I'M SO HOT FOR ME / I'M SO COLD...
+Okay, now "schoolmarm."
+Everybody's naughty... and freeze finish.
+And no matter where you are, always say it's the wildest town in the whole damn world.
+So when you said it in Springfield last year, you didn't mean it?
+Yeah, sure I did. But only because Springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world!
+/ Yes! I knew it! I knew it! / Springfield!
+Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting. But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt...
+Bor-ing.
+Will you stop saying that?
+But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up.
+Now that's a winning combination.
+And girls that have legs and know how to use them.
+And, and why I can't drive 55.
+You just want mindless generic rock?
+Precisely.
+SEE THAT DRUNK GIRL SPEEDIN' DOWN THE STREET...
+SHE'S WORRIED 'BOUT THE STATE OF PUBLIC SCHOOLS...
+SHE LIKES TO PARTY, SHE LIKES TO ROCK.
+SHE PRAYS THAT OUR SCHOOLS / DON'T RUN OUT OF CHALK.
+Gettin' away from the gig can be a matter of life and death, so you gotta be in great physical shape. Okay, follow me!
+Paparazzi to the left!
+I got 'em!
+I'm entitled to a private life! I'm not a role model! And so forth.
+Good, Homer! Now just pass the groupies and we're home!
+You're great! / I love you! / I want you! / Please sleep with us!
+They're bloody cardboard!
+We know!
+YOU AIN'T NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT AND YOU AIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE-YINE-YINE-YINE-YI-YI-YI!
+Well, whaddaya think?
+Uh, you rock, Homer.
+Really? You really think I'm better than you?
+That was great, Homie.
+What the hell are you doing here?
+Camp is over, Homer.
+It's been a week already?
+I'm glad you had fun, but it's time to come home.
+Your mother's right, Homer.
+Gotta get back to the real world.
+Yeah, we've all gotta get home. My lawn's not gonna mow itself.
+And I've gotta put up the storm windows. Winter's coming.
+Let's rock 'n' roll...
+Wait, don't go! I wanna keep on rockin'. C'mon guys... a-one, a-two...
+I'll take that.
+Noooo!!
+It came with a pick.
+Come... on... Dad...
+No! No, I won't go! You can't make me!
+Dad, you knew this day was coming.
+I knew nothing!
+Stop kicking me, Dad!
+My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream. I was so close to being a rock star, but now there's a chance it might not happen. I'll just have to settle for being a fat, bald, fat nothing.
+Finally. Can we go now?
+Now, before I lock the door, do you have to go to the bathroom?
+No, I'm fine.
+I'm so despondent.
+Cheer up, Homer. It's only rock 'n' roll camp.
+But I like it...
+Tell you what. We're doing a benefit gig before we leave town. How would you like to join us on stage?
+For serious?
+For serious, Homer.
+Can I have forty guest passes?
+Woo hoo!
+Wow, All-Access. All-Access...
+Good thing it's laminated.
+Sir, you can't...
+All-access.
+Oh, sorry.
+All-Access.
+Wow Homer, I ain't had front row seats since my Moonie wedding.
+And after the show, you can come backstage for pizza and pop.
+/ All right!
+Here you go. Front and center.
+I'm so proud of you, Homie. It's like you're Kid Rock and I'm Pamela Anderson Lee Rock.
+Oops, gotta run. Enjoy the show.
+Okay, let's see the eyes...
+Now the fire!
+Thanks mate...
+Couldn't you find a more fuel-efficient Satan?
+Lenny, don't you have a crotch to stuff?
+Evening, fellow rockers.
+There you are. We thought we were going to have to go on without you.
+I'm ready. Just give me a guitar. How many solos should I do? Four?
+I'll do four.
+Uh, Homer, you didn't think you were gonna be playing with--
+My official tour jacket!
+Look at-- Wait, they misspelled "Guitar Hero."
+Look, sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, Homer. We really just need you to tap the mics and say "test, test."
+Can't you do it?
+Oh. Okay. So I'll, uh... okay.
+Look, there's Dad!
+Woo! Yay, Homer!
+I'm his groupie! Am I saying that right, "groupie?"
+Test, test...
+Why is he performing the duties of a roadie? Am I saying that right, "roadie?"
+Test, test. Check, check.
+Hey, he's not rocking out at all.
+Test... "TEST TEST, YOU'RE TESTIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU, CHECK CHECK, YOU'RE CHECKIN' TO SEE IF I'M TRUE..."
+TEST ONE-TEST TWO-TEST THREE-TEST FOUR YOU TEST ME LIKE THE WATER IN EL SALVADOR...
+Woo! El Salvador!
+What's all this, then?!
+He's stealing the show from us!
+Not on my shift.
+BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY... Uh-oh.
+Oh yeah, it's good to see the spectacle back in rock.
+Did you know it was going to turn into a riot, Dad?
+Oh, yeah... When you've been in as many as I have, you can sense them coming.
+Did they ever find Tom Petty's toe?
+What am I, the lost and found?
+There's no excuse for our horrible behavior tonight, Homer.
+We acted like a bunch of angry young men.
+Yeah, rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love.
+I hope you won't judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.
+What we're trying to say, Homer, is we're sorry... By the way, I don't suppose any of you have seen my, um...
+No, sorry.
+There's no need for apologies, guys. You're rock stars! You're supposed to be reckless and destructive, and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail.
+That's what I told them, Homer, but just the same, we'd like to make it up to you.
+We're doing a gig tomorrow to benefit the victims of tonight's gig, and we'd consider it an honor if you'd join us.
+Well, you're very sweet, Mick, but the only rocking I want to do is in my living room chair, surrounded by the world's greatest back-up group, my family.
+Are you sure you don't miss hanging out with your rock star friends, Dad?
+Nah, I've got something to remember 'em by.
+Have fun at school, kids.
+Mr. Simpson, this zone is for school buses only.
+Rock and Roll! Woo hoo!
+Welcome back to "Animal Survivor."
+Okay, tribes, it's been a rough week -- Rhino, you lost the tribe's fishing equipment...
+...and we saw a dramatic collapse in the lion-gazelle alliance.
+I hate reality shows...
+A year ago you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us.
+I've grown, you haven't.
+And now we're back to "Touch the Stove."
+So Kevin, I hear you collect amusing postcards.
+Uh, yeah, it all started when--
+Touch the stove!
+I can't take any more of these shows. If I wanted reality, I'd finally have this lump looked at.
+Networks love reality shows because they don't have to pay writers or actors.
+Stupid writers and actors, priced yourselves right out of the business. Nice going, geniuses.
+Hey, let's get one of those home satellite dishes! Then we can stop suckling on the six-network teat.
+Get back, honky cat! Those systems are too expensive.
+Marge, we can't pinch pennies on the machine that's going to be raising our children.
+Come on, kids. Daddy knows a way to get the money... with no risk.
+And the winner by a nose is "No Risk"!
+Woo hoo!
+Okay, now all we have to do is install your satellite dish. Can you be home from eight AM Monday morning, through June?
+No problem.
+Hey, Flanders -- check out my new satellite dish!
+Boy, that's Jim Dandy roof candy! I'd love to come over some time and watch that Church Channel.
+I bet you would.
+Oh, you'd win that bet. Seems like I'm spending all my money on religious pay-per-view. Or as I like to call it, "pray-per-view."
+Damn your sparkling wordplay!
+And bless your humble home.
+Oh, it's red wire to red wire. What idiot dreamed that up?
+And the Lord said, "Let there be crap."
+... and thereby reducing the number of states to forty-nine.
+Cool! It's the NBC news feed!
+Mmm... feed...
+You get to see what they do during commercial breaks.
+We'll be right back with a special report on soccer moms who hate soccer.
+Oh Lord, I'm so fat.
+Hey Lis, wanna try some satellite TV? We've got Japanese Friends.
+Do you like my new shirt? It says "Reggae Hairstyle Rock 'N' Roll." primo Japanese!
+You are the Emperor of last year.
+Your comeback shames me.
+How about the Clock Channel?
+Coming up on the Clock Channel... six o'clock!
+Wait a minute, I saw this one.
+Bart, I have to study for the Elementary School Achievement Test. And so do you.
+Hey, I don't have to study on the weekend.
+It's Wednesday night!
+Kids, kids, you're both right.
+We're back with "Who Wants to Marry An Internet Billionaire!" Uh, no, Millionaire! Oh well, now he's broke.
+Why don't you turn off the TV and join us for dessert? I made a pie.
+Put pie here.
+Would you like some ice cream with that?
+Me not pig.
+We now return to "Robo Trumble." Oh, I'm sorry, I mean "Robot Rumble."
+Why are we fighting each other? Together we can defeat the humans and rule the Earth.
+I agree.
+Sucker.
+Homicidal robots... so like us.
+Bart, the test is in two hours. And you haven't slept in a fortnight.
+What's a fortnight?
+You should know, it's on the test!
+No pressure, children, but these test results will follow you... for the rest of your life and beyond the grave.
+It's finally happened, Bart. You've lost your mind.
+HAVA NAGILA / HAVA NAGILA / HAVA NAGILA / VE NES MECHAH / HAVA NA RA NANA / HAVA NA RA NANA / HAVA NA RA NANA / VE NES MECHAH...
+Now let's raise the roof for the bland informative rap of M. C. Safety and the Caution Crew!
+Yo! Yo! Yo! Y'all feelin' cautious? / I SAY A CROSS, WALK, A CROSS-ITY WALK / AND YOU DON'T STOP CROSSIN' 'TIL YOU'RE ON THE NEXT BLOCK / FIRST YOU LOOK BOTH WAYS, THEN YOU WALK NOT RUN / OBEYING SAFETY RULES IS ACCEPTABLE FUN / BREAK IT DOWN NOW.
+JUST WALK, DON'T RUN, DRINK JUICE, YUM YUM.
+Heh-heh-heh, watch out Beatles! Now I have one more important announcement to share with you. Would Lisa Simpson join me on stage?
+Lisa, because of your outstanding score on yesterday's big test, you're being immediately moved up to... the third grade!
+She's not so great! She got diarrhea when we went to Carlsbad Caverns!
+Okay Bart, since you like attention so much, I have a second announcement.
+I was going to tell you this privately, but... because of your incredibly low test score, we're sending you back to third grade.
+What? I've gotta be in the same class as her?
+What? I've gotta be in the same class as him?
+They're gonna be in the same class as each other?
+An old army buddy is visiting Mannix?
+Class, meet our newest third graders -- Lisa and Bart Simpson.
+Lisa comes to us from Miss Hoover ...While Bart was taught by Mrs. Krabappel .
+Hi Bart and Lisa!
+A rooster sits on a roof, facing north. It lays an egg. Which way does it roll?
+Okay, the sun rises in the east, so the rooster would probably want to lay it on the cool side...
+Roosters don't lay eggs. They're boys.
+Very good, Bart.
+Lisa, I want you to stick close to your big brother until you catch up.
+Haw haw.
+Young man, you're not in this class. What are you doing here?
+Laughin' at jerks.
+Quiet nerds burp only near school.
+Bart, I'm doing my geography homework.
+I know. That's how you remember the four original provinces of Canada: Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia -- "Quiet nerds burp only near school." And here's how you remember the principal exports: "Dogs eat barf solely on Wednesday, Mabel."
+Stop, I want to learn on my own!
+Canada's Governors General: "Clowns love haircuts; so should Lee Marvin's valet."
+Get out!
+Here are your math tests. Morgan, Dakota, Ashley, Dakota, Tyler, Tyler... Lisa.
+What's this weird mark next to my "A"?
+That's an A-minus.
+M-m-minus?!
+Nice work, Bart.
+An "A"? Copacetic.
+You did better than me?!
+Eh, I took this test last year. The answer key never changes. B-C-B-C-A-A-B-B-C-C-D-False-False-True-William Jennings Bryan.
+That's cheating! Bart cheated!
+Young lady, in the third grade, we don't care for tattletales.
+And we don't care for moaners, either.
+Sobbing only pushes Bart's grade higher.
+Pukers in back!
+Kids, look what I got you for your third grade field trip -- matching fanny packs!
+Now your fannies match.
+Hey, get away from me! / Quit it! Ow! / Ew! / Quit it! / Stop! / Ow! / Let go!
+Stop! You'll crush your juice boxes!
+All right, everybody choose a buddy for the field trip.
+I'll take Kyle!
+I'll take Ashley!
+Saying your buddy's name out loud is a security risk. I'll just put you two together.
+Punch buggy red!
+Ow! You are such an immature-- punch buggy white!
+Stop fighting!
+He started it! He did Punch Buggy first!
+What's "Punch Buggy?"
+When you see a Volkswagen Bug, you punch somebody and yell the color.
+Big fish! Big fish!
+Punch buggy blue! / Ow! / Punch buggy green! / Ow! / Punch buggy taupe! / Ow! / / That really hurt!
+Two for flinchin'!
+Now as we cross the street, I want you to hold hands with your buddy.
+Hey dude, who's your girlfriend?
+What happened, dude? Did your girlfriend dump ya?
+Now children, if you look up at the capitol dome, you'll see a mural of our state bird, the Pot-bellied Sparrow, eating our state pasta, bow-tie.
+Order, order, order! The chair recognizes the esteemed representative from Capital City...
+The Capital City Goofball?
+That's right. To win he spent eighty million from his own pocket.
+Mr. Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag.
+This confederate symbol is an embarrassment... particularly as we are a northern state.
+This lively debate has given me an idea. Tonight, each buddy team is going to design a new state flag...
+Homework on a field trip? What have you been huffin'?
+Well, Bart's being his usual jerky self... but Mom, I'm really excited about this new flag design. Oh, and the hotel gives you a free USA Today outside your room... No, I'm sure it's free... Okay, I won't touch it.
+Well, make sure you don't. And try not to let your brother get under your skin.
+Believe me, he doesn't. His act is getting old fast.
+He thinks he's really cool, but frankly the other kids are starting to wake up and smell the cooties.
+One last sunbeam... and we're done.
+"To Fraternal Love".
+The status quo.
+When I get through with that flag, it's gonna be a Bart Mangled Banner.
+So, I understand you children have some state flags for me. Who would like to go first?
+We would, Governor Bailey! Team Simpson!
+I spearheaded this one.
+I'll just unfurl this...
+That was my worst unfurling ever!
+Lisa, how could you? The governor is crying.
+Haw haw!
+You weren't on this field trip. How did you get here?
+Bart, I am so mad at you!
+You should have seen the look on your face. It was something like this.
+The bus!
+Okay children, before we leave, is anyone missing their buddy?
+Ah the buddy system... foolproof. Floor it, Otto.
+Wait! Wait!
+Ha-ha, they left without you.
+They left without you too, you idiot.
+If I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in the third grade?
+Because you've already done it once.
+You've lost me.
+Oh, forget it. Hey, how do we get back?
+No problem. We'll just circle around like those kids in "The Blair Witch Project."
+I must be getting close! I recognize that girl.
+Oh Bart, I think we're lost.
+I used to be lost. Until a friend turned me onto a book. A book that changed my life. It's called "Lisa is Stupid."
+You die now!
+They're gone. I don't know what happened... If the buddy system can fail, I don't know what to believe in.
+There, there, Audrey. It's happened to all of us.
+Willie, we have two more names for the wall.
+Ach... Why is it always the kids with the long names?
+Hello, Principal Skinner.
+A-parent-who-waives-her-right-to-sue-says-what?
+Got it.
+Hey, you can't fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state.
+Bart and Lisa are lost in Capital City and presumed crying.
+My poor babies!
+I'm so sorry. Lisa's a very special little girl, and we'll spare no expense in finding her.
+Well, what about Bart?
+We're looking. But in the meantime, the Class Clown Pro Tem will take his place.
+Cowabungaaa!
+You cold?
+What do you care?
+Thanks. Where'd you get?...
+Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
+Well, as far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
+Thanks, Bart.
+And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
+I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
+Oh, and I'm sorry I sawed the heads off your Malibu Stacy dolls. Okay, you go.
+I don't think I've done anything else.
+Okay, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies?"
+Yeah, funny story. One day, I was really bored. And Dad had left the steam roller idling in the driveway...
+This is where the kids were last seen.
+The plastic casing from the tip of Bart's shoelace! A mother knows!
+Well, he's not gonna get very far without that.
+Bart, is that you?
+Say your prayers.
+Oh Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead--
+Listen, we're really sorry. We got lost on a field trip from Springfield Elementary!
+Lost on a field trip? Heck, whyn't you say so? That's how Grandpappy wound up in these parts.
+They wuz takin' us to Capital City to see "The Nutcracker," and I wandered away from the group. Married a bear and I started up a family.
+I told you, I ain't a bear!
+Rar, rar, rar. No one understands you, she-bear.
+Thanks for driving us back to town.
+No problem. We were goin' there anyway to pick up the new Spy Magazine.
+I'm sorry. They don't publish that any more.
+The world I grewed up in is gone.
+Oh my special little guys. You're okay, you're okay!
+And Maggie, you no longer have to live with the burden of replacing Bart and Lisa.
+Well, if this episode has taught us anything, it's that nothing works better than the status quo. Bart, you're promoted back to the fourth grade.
+And Lisa, you have a choice. You may continue to be challenged in third grade, or return to second grade and be merely a big fish in a small pond--
+The status quo? Ay carumba!
+That's just sad.
+November 1948. Americans pick their President. Victory seems certain for Governor Thomas E. Dewey...
+Dew-ey! Dew-ey! Dew-ey!
+Dad, I'm telling you, Truman wins.
+The headlines proclaim "Dewey Defeats Truman."
+Woo hoo! I win the bet! Who's your Daddy?
+...but the headlines are dead wrong.
+Harry Truman triumphs by two million votes.
+Not if I can stop that inauguration!
+I win, Dad. That means I get to choose today's father-daughter activity!
+Let's hear it.
+We're building homes for the homeless.
+You know it's gonna be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself.
+Domiciles for the Destitute? Is this that thing that Jimmy Carter does?
+Yes, but now that it's hip, all the ex-presidents are doing it.
+There's Clinton, Bush Senior, and the nice guy who finished last, Jimmy himself.
+Hey! Why you...
+Sorry George, I didn't see you there.
+No hard feelings.
+I'll slaughter you, you lame-brain.
+Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
+What are you laughing at, Clinton?
+Dad, what is that?
+Well, if Bart can be "El Barto"...
+Oh. If only I had your courage, Señor.
+Oh, thanks...
+Dad, you're getting paint on your wedding ring.
+Huh? Oh, right. Can you hold it?
+This is a Band-Aid wrapped in tin foil.
+My real ring's inside a turtle.
+Are you sure we'll find husbands here?
+Absolutely. These volunteer events are crawling with the successful single men we deserve.
+And how. Let's see what we've got.
+Well, he's not much to look at...but he is a good father...Hel-lo, ring tan line! He's new on the market!
+Can I help you?
+Maybe. I'm Lindsay Naegle, and I don't want to spend another fiscal year alone--
+Cookie Kwan, realtor. Number one on the west side. I could move you into a beautiful new home... mine.
+Sign here... sign here... kiss me here... initial there.
+You're listening to Radio Diznee -- the songs you love, rewritten for babies!
+WHO LEFT THE MILK OUT? / YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK...
+DAD LEFT THE MILK OUT / YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK...
+That's good satire -- it doesn't hurt anyone. What do you think, Maggie?
+YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK...
+Ooo, look. There's your father.
+Well, I've read enough articles about flirting to know it when I see it.
+... And that's how my beautiful wife brought our son Bart into the world.
+Awww. / Touching.
+Knucklehead.
+A little help!
+I'll give you a little help.
+Owowowowowowow!
+Ah, Homie, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
+Sure, why not?
+Sometimes I worry you might think about other women.
+Hey, why would I want Purina when I've got Fancy Feast right here?
+That doesn't sound very convincing.
+Aw, it sounds like all you're looking for is a little reassurance. Well...
+Bart, remember when I was crying at recess? Well, I think I'm finally ready to tell you why.
+Let's see what's on TV.
+I stick my neck out for no one, Frankenstein, no one.
+Oh cool, the old "Batman" show.
+Struggling... in vain. Gather your wits, old chum. We seem to have fallen prey to that painted Pagliacci of perfidy.
+You mean... Clownface?
+None other.
+Well, if it isn't Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder.
+Sweet Valley High! Krusty played a Batman villain?
+Well, sure. He was also Uncle Velderschmoink on "Bewitched."
+Clownface, what in the name of Huntley and Brinkley do you plan to do to us?
+I'm just gonna take you for a spin!
+Hoo! Hah! Hee! Show our guests to the twirly gates.
+Holy g-force, Batman! The blood's rushing to my head!
+That's right, my panicky chum. In a few moments, you and I will literally blush ourselves to death.
+My, this is taking a long time.
+Cool! We should try that at school!
+Hey yeah, you can try it on me. Batman got out of it okay.
+Faith and begorra, Batman. How did you ever escape?
+Fortunately I always carry my carousel reversal spray.
+What don't you have in that belt?
+Patience -- for harlequinned hoodlums like yourself.
+Truer words were never spoken, Crusader.
+Manjula, remember when Apu cheated on you?
+Yes, thank you.
+I'm worried Homer might do the same thing. What would make a husband lose interest like that?
+What I do now I do as your dearest friend.
+Look at this flab! Look at it!
+Oh my God, is that me?!
+Most assuredly, yes.
+Faced with a problem like this, I wonder, what would Oprah do?
+Yes, I need to fit into this in time for a funeral. Thank you.
+Now, I need some liposuction -- just enough to make me attractive to this man.
+One ten-minute suck 'n' tuck.
+Doctor, before we begin, I have a couple questions.
+Time is money. Ask the mask.
+What if I just do aerobics and ...
+That's funny. Hm, I don't feel sucked out.
+Doctor, my assistant is as flat as ever. Where are the new knockers the taxpayers paid for?
+Hm... You're right. That's like Flatsville. Then where did I put those implants?
+What on earth have you done? My McGuppies became bazongas!
+Great Ceaucescu's ghost! Are those real?! Oh, oh, right.
+Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a "simple misunderstanding." My surgery was botched!
+"Botched," what is that, the word of the day?
+You had no right to make my bosom this ample!
+Look, just come back in forty-eight hours, I can remove the implants.
+Oh I'll come back all right. And I'll bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you.
+Yes, your husband. I'm sure he's going to be furious.
+I'm a little worried about this spinning, Bart.
+Milhouse, if you're uncomfortable with this in any way... Do it, Otto! Do it! Do it! Do it!
+You're the boss, kid.
+My change purse!
+Hi, Milhouse.
+Skinner, I was a little wary of bringing these veterans of Iwo Jima to tour your school, but I see my fears were unfounded.
+Thank you, sir. And what more fitting finale than to gaze reverently at Old Glory.
+Come on boys, you know the drill!
+My God! This youngster befouled the flag!
+Wait, this just doesn't add up. Milhouse has never been anything but a comic foil.
+Hey, what's going on here, something crazy?
+There's your queen bee! Explain yourself, Simpson.
+Uh, I saw Krusty do it on TV!
+Then Krusty will feel my wrath! The spritz has hit the fan.
+You won't hurt Krusty, will you? He's all we got.
+Shut your puke-hole, punk.
+Sir, yes sir!
+Oh, sweetie.
+Don't worry, Maggie, I'll have these silly things out in just two days. Till then I'll just try to hide them from the family.
+...making it the latest Segway Scooter accident to claim over one thousand lives.
+Not feeling well. Going to bed. Dinner and breakfast are on the table.
+Did you label the meals so I can tell which is which?
+Locally, two schoolchildren offended veterans, educators and flag hags, while imitating a stunt they learned watching TV's Krusty the Clown.
+Besieged by angry protestors, Krusty responded as follows:
+Would you people get a life?
+Not an option!
+Stop corrupting our children!
+Bart, this is all your fault.
+Don't worry. Krusty always lands on his feet.
+Help, I can't get out!
+Well, someone's tucked in to an insane degree. Goodnight!
+Hey, gimme some of those blankets.
+What's this? It's enormous! Oh my God, there's another one!
+Homer, let me explain something--
+Explain later!
+Homie! Oooo, Homie... Hey, what happened?
+I fell off. Hee hee hee.
+Now, don't get too used to these. That awful doctor said he'd take them out in a couple of days.
+Yeah, he truly is a monster. Hey, let's go out to dinner tomorrow. Just you, me, the kids and the twins. Whadaya say?
+They do make my neck look thinner... Oh, all right, let's do it.
+Mom, Lisa pushed me in the laundry basket.
+Whatever Bart is saying is a lie. Mom! What happened? Your endowment's bigger than Harvard's.
+Well, that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
+Actually, I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall.
+I'm-a sorry, we are totally full.
+Boy-oh-boy-ar-dee! I bazoom you want a table. Right-a this way.
+Wow Mom, your guns got us a great table -- right by the lobster tank.
+Now wait, Homer.
+For you, pretty lady, I make-a the fresh pasta. Instead of the crap from a can I give-a to everybody else.
+It's as cold as my love for you.
+And Marge, if-a you mouth get tired, Angelo here will chew for you.
+I like-a to chew.
+Thank you, fellas.
+Mom, doesn't it bother you that they're giving you all this attention just because of those?
+That's not true, Lisa, there are a lot of complicated issues here, that can only be explained through song.
+YOU TOOK A TWENTY-KARAT DIAMOND, AND MADE IT GLEAM / LIKE A BIG SPAGHETTI DINNER, SMOTHERED IN WHIPPED CREAM.
+YOU'RE LIKE X-MEN NUMBER THREE / IN A MYLAR BAG.
+YOU'RE A BRAND NEW MUSCLE CAR / AND ALL THE WHEELS ARE MAG.
+YOU MAKE ME FEEL AS YOUNG / AS THE BLOOD I GET FROM SHEEP.
+YOU'RE LIKE JACQUELINE BISSET / IN ME FAVORITE FILM, THE DEEP!
+YOU'RE SEXY AND EXOTIC / LIKE A HOOKER FROM BELIZE.
+OR A PATIENT WITH INSURANCE / WHO'S CRAWLING WITH DISEASE.
+YOU'RE A SUNDAE UNDERNEATH TWO GREAT BIG CHERRIES...
+KEEP IN MIND, THEY'RE ONLY TEMPORARIES.
+STILL WE'D LIKE TO SAY THAT WE ARE VERY, VERY / GLAD TO SEE YOU...
+AND I DECREE YOU...
+THE HOTTEST THING TO HIT THIS CITY SINCE THE FIRE THAT KILLED ELEVEN...
+...DANGEROUS CRIMINALS.
+HOORAY!
+AND THEY'RE ALL MINE...
+Homer, how come you never sang a song like that to me before?
+Uh... I was gettin' around to it.
+Kiki Highsmith, Highsmith Modeling. Honey, I like your look.
+Forget it Kiki. You're not putting your brain into her body.
+That's not why I'm here. I can offer your wife a lot of modeling work. Trade shows to start, then who knows?
+No dice. Take your fun and adventure outside.
+Wait for what? Confirmation of my attitude?
+Homie, I could use a little more excitement in my life.
+Maybe I'll just keep these.
+That's great, Mom. But don't forget...
+I GOT KRUSTY IN HOT WATER / NOW I'VE GOT TO HELP HIM OUT / DA DA DA...
+Shut up, boy.
+Oh, I don't get a song? Mom got a song.
+With the economy the way it is, you're lucky you get soup.
+And now, one of OvMittCon's Faces to Watch 2003, rookie spokesmodel Marge Simpson!
+Gentlemen, say hello to Springfield's newest supermodel!
+You're a lucky man, Homer.
+Yeah, this is the longest I've ever gone without lookin' at Lenny.
+Don't make a fuss over me, boys. Just pour me a beer in a clean glass.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said no fuss.
+Uh, I wouldn't eat them peanuts. They're uh, they're spit-backs.
+So, Krusty. Are you ready to shoot this apple off my head?
+Well, if by "shoot" you mean "teach" and by "my head" you mean "safety." Then, yes.
+Oh man, now they won't let Krusty do anything fun.
+Teletubbies get away with more than this.
+I've learned my lesson, Krusty. Never again shall I look directly at an eclipse.
+This sucks! Bring out Mr. Teeny!
+I can't. They made me release him into the wild.
+Hey, we got Krusty into this and we'll get him out. We just have to make him a hero again.
+Maybe if we cut his foot off, people will feel sorry for him.
+Hey, it didn't help your dad get your mom back.
+Hi Mrs. Simpson. My mom said I'm not to look at you.
+What's with the belt, Mom?
+It's for my back spasms. If guys didn't keep pinching my tush, I'd never stand up straight.
+I thought you liked all the attention you were getting.
+I'm afraid all that attention is from the wrong kind of people.
+Hey, Krusty.
+How'd you get in here?
+The doorman died.
+Oh no, he was my agent!
+Listen, I have a plan that will make the world fall in love with Krusty the Clown again.
+It's too late. I've given up.
+The Krusty I know didn't get where he is by givin' up.
+No, I got where I am by naming names in the fifties. Okay, what's your plan?
+It's simple. We just have to cause a riot at the Springfield Shoe Expo.
+I like, I like.
+This is my Woodstock.
+My forthrightness is my undoing.
+Kiki, I'm tired of trade show modeling. My back really hurts.
+You seem unhappy, so I'm going to inject this smile solution into your jaw.
+Did you just drug me?
+Technically it's a toxin.
+Okay, here's the drill. A rogue elephant -- played by my old friend Stampy -- is about to crush sweet young Milhouse. Then you run up and save the day, by saying Stampy's safety word, "MOGUMBO".
+Would the gentleman care for some cologne?
+He's as big as Brando, but he takes direction.
+Eighty-nine percent of Americans would rather have a shoehorn than a computer.
+I'd like to eighty-nine you!
+I've heard about you vendors!
+Hey lady, I like the way your body looks.
+Stop objectifying my mom!
+I will in a second. Woo! Hey baby, you're an object! Ah-ha-ha!
+Help! Help!
+Who will save this promising young honor student?
+Hey, hey, hey, I'll save the day!
+Hey, it's that clown who hates children!
+And flags!
+I say we judge him by what he does next! Yee haw!
+Hey elephant, I got one word for you: Columbo! No, that's not it. Modesto! Daktari?! Nintendo??!
+If he bites, I'm sunk. If he swallows, I'm good.
+Dad, look!
+I'm on it.
+Be careful a-- Uh-oh.
+All right, aim for the big hose coming out of his face.
+Yeah, you mean the trunk?
+Easy there, college boy.
+Wait, wait! My son, my husband and the Van Houten boy are in there!
+Sorry, ma'am. We don't negotiate with elephants. Ready...
+Mom, do something!
+...aim...
+I've gotta stop them from shooting... I, I, don't... Lisa, don't hate me for this...
+Continue aiming... Still aiming...
+Hey cops! Check out this all-points bulletin!
+Whoa, look at those mogumbos!
+Hey, that's it. Mogumbo!
+Do you have anything with ground-up whale in it?
+I came out the elephant's mouth, right? 'Cause I already showered once today.
+Well, you saved Krusty's reputation.
+And you learned that a woman doesn't need a forty-eight inch chest to be beautiful.
+That's how I felt all along.
+Lisa learned a lesson! Lisa learned a lesson!
+Kids, I'd like to reintroduce you to classic Marge.
+I finally feel like me again. You're not disappointed, are you?
+Not at all, sweetie. At least one of us should be able to put their arms around the other one.
+Anyway, you're the only man I want ogling me.
+Oh, we're gonna do a little more than just ogling.
+Oh, Homie.
+Let's go get fried chicken!
+WHO LET HER JUGS OUT...?
+D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH...
+MARGE LET HER JUGS OUT...
+D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH...
+WHO LET HER JUGS OUT...?
+D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH...
+Oh, this doesn't look good, sir. This man could sue us.
+Yes, if he's smart, he'll hold out for millions.
+Woo hoo! I got skybox tickets! And with only twenty percent loss of my brain function. Life is...
+Can't beat a skybox. All the excitement of being in the sky, with the security of being in a box.
+Whoa, this is gonna be the coolest basketball game ever!
+Actually, it says here we're gonna see hockey.
+No! No! Nooo!
+Hey, don't we regular fans get anything?
+Hey, do we tip these guys, or what?
+Wow, it's so fancy. It's like Moby's house on "Cribs"!
+Paint your portrait, Sir?
+Can you paint me knocking out Larry Holmes?
+Certainly.
+Don't hit my face.
+Okay, where do you want it?
+I don't know. Work the stomach.
+Mm... that takes me back.
+Check out those non-skybox losers, watching hockey without sushi. If you can call that hockey.
+Hey, Homer's looking down his nose at us.
+Let's take Mr. Figgy Pudding down a peg.
+Otto, what're ya waiting for? Get your ass on my neck.
+I'm getting close! I smell vinaigrette!
+Heads up, Dad. Here comes the scum!
+Why can't they just be happy for my success?
+Hot fudge!
+Arr, it burns!
+Oh, great. And I just got all that gum outta my armpits.
+All right, a people tooth!
+Gummy Sue, this is your lucky day.
+Now I's like Britney Spears!
+This is a joke. You'll find me down with the real fans, standing ankle-deep in beer and blood.
+Fine, watch your stupid Eagles concert.
+It's a hockey game!
+Whatever.
+Hey Kozlov! Aim for the five hole! He's got an opening the size of Red Square.
+Thank you, mouthy American child. Please to take my hockey tree.
+C'mon, Lisa. It's time to go.
+But the game's not even over!
+They've already told the skybox fans who's gonna win.
+Yeah! Go Ice-o-topes!
+This sucks. How come Lisa gets something and I don't?
+Because she took the trouble to wander away and talk to a stranger.
+Your sister getting something nice doesn't hurt you in any way.
+Hm. Better add some more nails.
+Perfect.
+Well, cock-a-diddily-doo! What a Marge-alicious way to start my Flander-rific day.
+Hey Ma, our crap shack's going to hell.
+Bart! Watch your potty mouth!
+Hey, get out, I'm in here! Oh.
+I think we might have termites.
+These are no ordinary termites. What you've got here are Russian "No-wood-niks."
+Can you save our house?
+Okay, but in order to kill these bugs I've got to live like a bug, think like a bug... become a bug!
+Why do you always hire the cheapest guy?
+I go by how funny the sign is.
+Sweet, a circus!
+Let's sneak in.
+That's using your noodle.
+Doot doot doot-doot-doot-doot doot doot doot-doot...
+So... when can we go back in our house?
+Not for a while, I'm afraid. I had to use the good poison. It comes with Lee Marvin's picture on the bottle.
+This place won't be inhabitable for another six months.
+But where will we live?
+Don't worry. We'll just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans. The time will just fly by.
+Eh, that was boring. Let's get a hotel.
+Don't you have any rooms? We can't live in our house for six months.
+Sorry, folks. Every hotel room in town is booked.
+Stupid Bran Producer's Convention.
+I'm just gonna say it -- we haven't had a good idea since raisin bran.
+/ What / Well, I never! / I can't believe he said that!
+Let him speak!
+No! He's crazy!
+Why don't we stay at a youth hostel?
+I do not want another lecture from a German backpacker about how we don't appreciate the national park system.
+I know, we'll stay with my very best friend in the world, Lenny.
+Hey, Simpsons.
+That's Lenny? Oh, I wanted the black one.
+Wow, Lenny. Your apartment is stunning.
+So how do you afford such a sweet pad?
+What the hell was that?
+Oh, I share a common wall with a jai alai court.
+That's just the sound of the pelota hitting the fronton. I find it soothing.
+Ahhhh...
+Thanks for letting us stay with you.
+Oh, please, it is such an honor to host Our Favorite Family. And you came at an exciting time. I'm chairing a meeting of the galactic U.N.
+My apologies, the paint is still wet on Ambassador Farfoon.
+We are not staying at Moe's. Maggie's already drunk on the fumes. And she's a mean drunk.
+Come on, guys, you gotta stay. Tonight's the big cock fight. Ah-- We can eat the loser...
+Who wants to eat a loser?
+Dad, we have to find a place soon. I really have to go to the bathroom and I'm out of tokens.
+You know, I heard of a new reality show where they let you live in a home for free.
+Oh yeah, the gimmick is, it's a house from 1895. And you gotta do everything like they did back then.
+1895, forget it. We'd be too late to save Lincoln and too early to save Kennedy.
+You could save McKinley.
+It's not a time machine, Moe.
+Marge, I'm still not sure about this.
+Hey, if TV can give Mike O'Malley a home, it can give us one.
+Welcome to the Reality Channel. Hi, I'm Mitch Hartwell, creator of the "1895 Challenge." And by "creator" I mean I saw it on Dutch television and tweaked the title.
+Well, this family looks pretty interesting.
+But isn't the dad Bill Cosby?
+I've gotta get back on TV! 'Cause with the Osbornes and the soft-core porns and the dogs poopin' and nobody's scoopin'...
+We need a family that hasn't been on TV forever. Let's try the Simpsons.
+I like what I'm seeing in there.
+I'll teach you to whistle on the Sabbath!
+They go to pieces over nothing. They're perfect for reality TV.
+Where's that kid with my latte?!
+He's not coming, is he? Is he?
+Welcome to your home for the next six months.
+Oh man, I can't wear this. I look like Buster Brown, whoever that is.
+Oh-ho-ho, you look adorable, Lisa.
+Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit.
+God, I wish I had that little outfit.
+Yeah, those golden curls are to die for.
+Wow, they had an army helmet under every bed!
+Ah, Mr. Simpson, that's a chamber pot. You're supposed to go to the bathroom in it.
+Squiggy?
+Befoul an army helmet? You'd like that, wouldn't ya, hippie?
+Behind this door, you'll find the one piece of twenty-first century technology in the whole house.
+Ooh... Please be a melon-baller. Please be a melon-baller.
+This is your video confessional. You come in here to express your deepest feelings and darkest secrets.
+My hair isn't really blue.
+I need that tape!
+Good morning, ladies.
+What's so good about it?
+It takes six hours to make breakfast now.
+Hey, you should see how much trouble Dad's having shaving with a straight razor.
+Finally, I'm no longer a slave to the Gillette Corporation.
+Why, it says here that President Cleveland has...
+Okay, more coal, less coal, less, less, more, less-less-less! Annnd... none.
+Perfect.
+By orders of the Reality Channel, I must make sure that you only buy items available in 1895.
+Eh-- Oreos? Sorry, those are from eighteen ninety-six. Non-scarring toilet paper? Oh, dream on. Urkel-O's? Delicious, but forbidden.
+I'll just take these Tampons.
+I don't believe they had those in eighteen ninety-five.
+Yes they did, look closer.
+Twenty-three skidoo!
+You know, it's six fifteen, the kids are in bed and Maggie's in her cage...
+Maybe I could wuther your heights?
+Well, okay. Blow out that lamp and I'll take off my Victorian undergarments.
+All right, let's take that...
+If you just...
+This comes off.
+All right, let's see what we've got here.
+Almost done.
+This has been the worst week of my life. I miss my toys, my video games... "Mutt 'n' Jeff" comics are not funny.
+They're gay, I get it.
+You've been in there over an hour, boy! Other people have to confess too, you know. Oh, I can't hold it in. I hate this house!
+Bread tastes like clothes.
+I'm so cold.
+All of you stink so much.
+This is great television.
+Yeah, I can't wait to see which one of 'em dies first.
+Look, we can't give up. We're on TV. And when you're on TV, you dig in your claws and you never let go. Just like Bill Moyers!
+Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddlemee. Heywood U. Cuddlemee? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddlemee? He-- Ooh, that little... Ooh! I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your union meets your central pacific. Stop.
+Bart, honey, would you like some more cod liver oil?
+Yes, mum. I thought I was regular before, but I was wrong.
+With all this hard work, I'm too tired to worry about the world. And soon I will marry one of father's wealthy business associates!
+Oh, I wish you would reconsider the proposal of Hiram Beatwife.
+He's betrothed to Martha Take-a-punch.
+This is boring.
+Yeah, switch it to the Elderly Animal Channel.
+The show's getting boring -- we're losing viewers.
+I have an idea. It's crazy, but it just might work. Like it did last week. On another show. We bring in the biggest, most famous star from a 70's sitcom whose phone hasn't been disconnected.
+Why is the guy from "Laverne and Shirley" living in our house?
+'Cause nobody's watching you clowns! If you was to ask me, you're all too calm and happy. The essence of drama is conflict. That's why they gave me this taser.
+All right. This still isn't working. To fix this show is gonna take some original thinking. Everyone pull out your TVs and start flipping around.
+I think I've got an idea... turn to channel twenty-four.
+Hello, Laverne... Hello, Laverne...
+Hello, Laverne...
+Marge, I'm off to the blacksmith to get my tooth pulled.
+Lisa! Explain!
+I guess the network made our show more exciting by dumping the house in a river.
+Marge! Throw me an old-timey rope in an old-timey way!
+This rope was woven from handlebar mustaches.
+You monsters! You've turned this show into a "Survivor" clone.
+Mr. Simpson, your contract allows us to do anything we want to you.
+I would never sign that! Unless there was a red sticker that said "sign here."
+Uh-huh, that's what we used.
+Where do you get those things anyway?
+Oh no, everything's ruined. Our good bellows... our stereopticon... Squiggy! Homer, your strop! Your strop!
+Our lives are ruined!
+Oh yeah, this is great stuff.
+Let's take lunch, people.
+Do we get lunch?
+We're not allowed to interfere with the reality of the show, which reminds me... Burn the leftovers! Leave nothing!
+I can't remember the last time I cried like this.
+When you put your T-shirt on backwards?
+Oh, yes! The tag chafed my throat! Let's go eat some bugs.
+Psst! Psst!
+Savages! I'll handle this, Marge.
+We come in peace. We takem your land.
+We're not savages. I'm a paralegal from Cleveland.
+And I'm a nutritionist from Santa Fe.
+We were a "tribe" on another reality show, but we lost the final challenge.
+I just couldn't eat any more kangaroo testicles.
+So the show just abandoned us here.
+The weird part is, now I can't get enough of them.
+But now we're going to escape. We're going to overpower your crew and return to civilization.
+Wow. Marge, I think I figured out their primitive language!
+That's my Homie!
+Is it so gosh darn hard to get cocktail sauce in the middle of the Amazon?
+Geez, now we know what it feels like to be tormented.
+And yet I've learned nothing.
+And now to wreck their precious helicopter.
+No, Homer, no! That's our only way home!
+Yeah, but... okay... Oh...
+That Lenny sure had a crazy apartment.
+Oh, it sure is good to be home.
+No more reality shows for us. Let's watch some quality scripted television.
+Well, here's the thing, Inspector. The button for five doesn't light up.
+I think I'm gonna be sick.
+That's it! TV was the one good thing in my life and now I can't enjoy it any more.
+Hm, I guess we'll have to find a new way to entertain ourselves.
+What about books?
+Yeah. If we read books we could form a club.
+If we formed a club we could serve drinks.
+Hey Dad, why don't we watch you drink from a hose?
+Good idea, Lisa.
+Hm, the water's off. I'll use my eye to see what the trouble is.
+Hm, off again. Maybe I can hear what's going on.
+So, this has become a game of wits, has it?
+Perhaps my other eye will get to the bottom of this.
+Three minutes forty seconds -- a new personal best!
+Maggie?
+No one will ever know.
+Mail call!
+Anything good?
+The "George Foreman Mail Sorter" will let us know.
+Your family is invited to a free weekend at Stagnant Springs Spa.
+Oooh, that place is famous. It's where J. Lo hit P-Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman.
+Our attendants can take ten years off your face and stick it in your boobs. And this place isn't just for gals anymore, it's also for vain, effeminate men.
+Kent Brockman?!
+Well, if you find this shocking, look at Tom Brokaw.
+Truly, that was the greatest re-generation.
+This place blows. I'm gonna go float a Baby Ruth down the mineral bath.
+Don't worry, kids. We've got something just for you. Do you like Dr. Seuss?
+Then you'll love Dr. Mas-Seuss.
+Bad posture has floobled and snozzled your neck / I'll stop talking like this if you write me a check.
+No. No, not Paris.
+Ooh, these turtles know just where the knots are. It just shows you God has a plan for every creature.
+Yes, yes indeed.
+Help, please! Someone throw me a stick!
+Don't struggle. You'll only sink faster.
+Roll your eyes back into your head... focusing on your breathing... you should feel a pleasant tingling.
+Ooh, I do, I do!
+Now get down on all fours with your rear in the air.
+What position is this?
+The American taxpayer!
+The American taxpayer.
+Oh my God! A naked celebrity. Be cool. Don't stare at his famous wang.
+Ha, ha, ha. Go ahead, look. The whole world already saw it in "Nudist Camp Commandant." I wore nothing!
+Do not use steam room if you are overweight or have a heart condition.
+Wait a minute, I'm not wearing a shirt!
+Who ordered the steamed Gentile?
+Mmm, steamed Gentile.
+Don't worry, us pigs will catch this killer. Now Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?
+Triple, no. Definitely no.
+You have to do something to protect my husband.
+Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people?
+Uh, second word, Chief.
+Thanks, Princeton Pete.
+Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer. And I know just where to find him.
+I'm never gonna go to Paris.
+These are our most dangerous criminals. Each one crazier than the last. Uh, come to think of it, he should be there, and, uh, and this guy should be over there.
+Wait. You saying he's crazier than I am?
+That's exactly what I'm saying, Decapitating Harry. Now move it.
+Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
+I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
+It still beats Disney's California Adventure.
+So, which one of these psychos is gonna help me catch my killer?
+He's right in here.
+Access denied!
+Oh fine, I gotta use a fork.
+Hello, Bart.
+Sideshow Bob!
+Oh come now, we've been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
+All right, Bob. You help us catch the guy trying to kill Homer, we'll make it worth your while.
+What could you possibly offer me?
+Your pick of roles in the prison musical. This year I think it's Man of La Mancha.
+Yeah, Don Quixote, Sancho Panza, Doctor Carrasco, they're all great parts.
+What a great show. I wish it was today. So, what do you say, Bob?
+Fair enough.
+Now I will need round-the-clock access to all the Simpsons, especially Bart.
+Well then, you might as well stay with us. We serve the same meat the prisons do!
+Wait. Wait. Wait. Bob can't stay with us. This man has tried to kill me so much it's not funny anymore.
+Don't worry son, we have ways of making him compliant.
+Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own.
+You'll understand someday when you have kids.
+Now if he even looks at you funny, this "shock garter" will set him straight. And don't try taking it off because it's taped to your leg hair. And that really hurts.
+Oh come now. As gentlemen, surely we can just agree to... God D...!
+Fair enough. But now that we know what it can do, there's no need to... Mother F...!
+Wow, you don't even have to point it at him.
+Homer, think carefully. Of all the people you have known, who might have reason to do you ill?
+Hmm... Well, there's Mr. Burns, Fat Tony, The Emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush.
+The late Frank Grimes...
+PBS, Stephen Hawking, the fat little Dixie Chick...
+And the state of Florida.
+How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
+I'm a people person. Who drinks.
+Homer, in order to identify your assailant, I must follow you through the course of a normal day. Just do what you usually do and the killer will reveal himself.
+Gotcha.
+This is a normal day?
+I just wanted to impress you.
+Welcome to your Springfield Mardi Gras headquarters. Cast your vote now for this year's king!
+Mardi Gras, eh? Didn't last year's king have to abdicate because he married a commoner?
+And I'd do it again. But I do miss the Royal Crown cola.
+Ah yes, the Kwik-E-Mart. I haven't been here since I robbed it dressed as Krusty. My one successful crime.
+You were quite the gentleman. Today's robbers, they are all smash and grab. You understood the dance.
+Our time is passing, old friend.
+Uh, if you two country hens are finished clucking, I'd like to buy a copy of Jugs and Ammo.
+Well, we've settled that argument. You can't read a magazine and drive.
+Look, Junior. I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts.
+But your car was built in Croatia. It's made from old Soviet tanks.
+Just fix it, Mr. Sasswrench.
+Homer please, the last thing you need is more enemies.
+Right, right. I'm countin' the pennies in the ashtray. There's two!
+The trap is set. The killer will think this dummy is you, out for an evening stroll. Now we lie in wait, like hungry Cassius for noble Caesar.
+You're so smart. Shock him.
+Odds Bodkins!
+Ooh, someone's coming!
+Now who's the sociopath? Huh?
+Moe! He's got a dark side I've never dreamed of.
+Well, mystery solved. Wait a moment...
+He's hurt. Go, go, go!
+These are Homer's friends and family. They don't want him dead, they just want him to suffer.
+Thank you, Lord.
+Once I kill you everyone will think I'm the real Homer!
+None of this seems odd to you?
+Say, Bob, how come you were never able to kill Bart?
+Yeah, a kid should be real simple to kill.
+I'd just come up behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick-like.
+Guys, Bob is my only hope. Back off and give him some room to think.
+Homer, if I could write Haikus while skinheads beat me with soap, I can concentrate anywhere.
+Oh my God! He's getting closer!
+My poor jar. Oh, why didn't I take more photos?
+Here's an interesting clue. Homer's assailant left a black smudge on the spa invitation.
+This could be the breakthrough we...
+I thought I could get it while it was in the re-charger I... was... wrong.
+I don't know how we ever had fun without him.
+We now return to "That '30s Show".
+Hey Pop, where's the crank on this Victrola?
+Why it's the latest model! From now on, the only crank in this house is your Aunt Gladys.
+For your information, I'm cranky because I've got polio.
+Tom Shales gave this show a good review. And I'm the one in prison!
+Uh, Bob... I know you're enjoying fall preview week, but I was wondering if you made any progress towards finding Homer's killer?
+No I haven't.
+Go ahead, shock me.
+Well, just a little one.
+Oh my, it's stuck!
+Listen Homer, I don't know who your killer is, but I do know he'll strike again. Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight.
+Very well. I am gone!
+Don't look at me!
+Homer Simpson?
+Right here.
+You've been elected King of Mardi Gras!
+Woo hoo! Good things do happen to bad people!
+Honey, the king of Mardi Gras has to ride around on a float all day. You'll be a sitting duck.
+Marge, you're embarrassing me in front of the drag queen.
+It's Mardi Gras time in Springfield!
+This year's Mardi Gras king is none other than local hothead Homer Simpson.
+Long live the King! In a related story, Homer Simpson may not have long to live.
+Homer, it's a trap. You only won because somebody stuffed the ballot box with these.
+Nonetheless, the people have spoken.
+But I'm afraid you'll get hurt.
+Marge, this is a way to flush this killer out once and for all -- and get drunk on a Tuesday.
+Today's Tuesday and you've had six beers.
+But I'm not drunk!
+The killer is out there. I would stake my entire fortune of cigarettes on it.
+Now Bob, I know you're concerned, but don't worry. I have operatives working the crowd.
+So, uh, you're from Tempe? I'm from Chicago!
+Whoa, I'm so drunk I'm gonna puke. You ever get that feeling, beautiful?
+America loves its Kings, from George the third to Larry.
+Phew, just Italians.
+His float's already moving? I didn't even hear the engine start!
+Yeah, it's really running quiet. Some mechanic tuned it up right before the parade.
+A mechanic...?
+My God, that's it!
+Homer, you must get off that float! The brake line has been cut!
+Oh my God! Attention drunken idiots: this is your king! Sacrifice yourselves to slow me down!
+Hey, how 'bout some beads?
+They're not for dudes!
+That's cool.
+Dad's heading straight for the Museum of Swordfish!
+That museum has been nothing but trouble since it opened.
+Must... save... buffoon.
+I did it!
+You saved my life!
+I've saved a life... and it feels wonderful. And yet, I could just as easily drop you to your death.
+Don't be so sure. I've got my legs wrapped around your ass pretty tight.
+Everything going dark... like Duff Stout, the beer that made Ireland famous. I love you, Doris! I...
+We're up so high. Where could that shot have come from?
+There's your killer!
+Well, duh.
+Your king needs these stilts!
+Jesus is our only King.
+Not anymore!
+There he is!
+Hey, I know you. You're my mechanic, Junior.
+Frank Grimes, Junior.
+Frank Grimes...
+Don't you remember? Your ape-like incompetence drove my father insane.
+Frank Grimes...
+What's this? "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--
+Oh yeah. How is old Grimey?
+He's dead, like you should be!
+Whoa, wait. Frank Grimes wasn't married. How could he have a son?
+He happened to like hookers, okay?
+Dad! I figured it out! The murderer is...
+We know. Frank Grimes, Jr.
+Precisely.
+Take him away, boys.
+That's nice work, Bob. Now give him the rhino tranks.
+If I can trank out just one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job.
+You're livin' the dream, Chief.
+Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.
+Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children. Goodnight, son.
+Hello, Bart.
+Looking for this?
+Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny and kill you without delay.
+One thrust and the deed is done.
+I... I can't do it.
+Huh? Why not?
+Well... I guess I've... dear God... grown accustomed to your face.
+I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO HIS FACE / AND DREAMS OF GOUGING OUT HIS EYES / I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO MY HATE / MY PLANS TO LACERATE...
+TO DIS-EMBOWEL / TO HEAR HIM HOWL.
+THE VERY REASON THAT I LIVE / IS PLOTTING HOW TO WATCH HIM DIE...
+Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep!
+I KNOW THIS CHUBBY SCALAWAG / HAS MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL. / SURELY IF I DRANK HIS BLOOD / I'D BE AT PEACE -- BUT, WELL...
+YOU'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO MY FACE...
+This isn't a duet!
+I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR FEAR / ACCUSTOMED TO REVENGE / ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR FACE.
+We shall meet again, old friend. But now, I must steal away into the night...
+Now, the topic for your research paper will be World War One...
+Was that the war with Hitler or Merlin?
+Oh, you idiot. Merlin was in Vietnam!
+Instead of writing a report, can I do a dance?
+May I type my report? It'll be easier on teacher's eyes!
+Yes, in fact, why doesn't everyone type their paper? Great idea, Martin.
+Can the paper be ten pages -- minimum?
+Well, I was gonna say five, but okay. Thanks again, Martin. Martin?
+He's gone now. But you gotta admire his spirit.
+All right, Seymour, I'm ready for our romantic apple-picking trip.
+Yes, about that. Mother's neck wattle got caught in a zipper. I've got a long night of boo-boo kissing ahead of me but don't worry, I got you these store-bought apples instead.
+The apples weren't the point.
+Then why were we going apple picking?
+Okay, time to start this paper. World War One. W.W. One. Well, that's a good start. Time to watch wrestling!
+I can't believe it.
+Uncle Slam has defeated Osama Bin Rotten! Uh-oh, here comes Secretary of Hate, Colin Kapow! He's dropping sanctions... by which I mean anvils!
+Okay, gotta focus, gotta focus, gotta look at that bird, gotta focus.
+Dammit. Why did I pay for a hundred Xeroxes, when I only wanted one? Well, I guess someone else will use the other ninety-nine.
+Prank or study? Prank or study?
+What should I do, Lord? Give me a sign.
+Now if everyone would open your prayer books...
+Well boys, good thing we brought the eye soap.
+The burning is love!
+"Russia, Great Britain and France had formed an entente cordiale..."
+Ooh, algebra... I'll just do a few equations. No! No more distractions!
+Hey Bart, wanna go for a ride in my uncle's Black Hawk helicopter?
+But I just started my paper.
+It's your last chance -- he's probably gonna get court-martialed for this.
+Black Hawk up!
+Attention teenage boys. Take your hands off my daughter!
+Now kiss each other.
+Grampa, quick, tell me everything you know about World War One!
+World War One? I fought in that. Course, to enlist, I had to lie about my age...
+Wanna see my picture I drew?
+Lieutenant Simpson, you've been up for hours. Take a nap. You're no good to us cranky.
+But I'm not tired!
+Oh, this is great stuff -- I can pad it out to ten pages. Goodnight, Grampa.
+But I'm not tired!
+Goodnight, sleepyhead. Do you have to poop?
+Always.
+You're gonna have to redo your paper after class.
+Well, if I may dust off an old chestnut, aye carumba. Aye carumba indeed.
+"... and so on November 11, 1918, the guns fell silent and peace returned. The End."
+Very good, Bart.
+Oh, I must have the wrong classroom. I was looking for my girlfriend, not Pam Dawber.
+Are you ready for a little after school special? Eyes front, Simpson.
+Hello? Mother?... I'll be right there. Now she wants to get out of the tub.
+You've got to stop putting your mother ahead of me. We have a date.
+I'll be back in three hours. Maybe less. But almost certainly more.
+He's a wiener, Mrs. K. Just say the word and his desk is full of boogers.
+That's sweet of you. But if I lost Seymour, who else is there?
+"Dead Poet's Society" has destroyed a generation of educators.
+Okay, there's a lot of low cards in that hand. But since we're both free, why don't you and me hit the town?
+A pity date from a ten year old? I'll take it.
+From the widest gully to the deepest trench, holes define who we are and where we are going.
+And although Rover here may not know it, he is participating in a ritual as old as time itself. He is giving birth to a hole.
+Or consider the dolphin, nature's most filmed creature. Even they have holes. Blow holes.
+Thanks for going out with me tonight. It really took my mind off stupid jerks and their mothers.
+... And did you know the hole's only natural enemy is the pile?
+I can't believe you went to the movies with the teacher. What happened to the Bart Simpson who put the mothballs in the beef stew?
+Hey, I only hung out with Krabappel because Skinner blew her off. I've never seen her so sad.
+You know what made me feel better about myself? That award I got for World's Greatest Dad.
+Dad, you bought that, because it was full of gummy worms.
+And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish.
+Which I did.
+Mm... trophy.
+Hey Bart, you could nominate Mrs. Krabappel for an actual award, The Teacher of the Year. Then she'll feel appreciated.
+They have an award for teaching?
+Hey, they have Latin Grammys.
+It is so hard to choose nominees from all these qualified candidates.
+This is the most difficult one day a year job in the world.
+Put in the next tape.
+I use humor to reach my students.
+And so President Kennedy says to Kruschev Enough jawin'. Reach for it, pilgrim. And the missiles are like Oh, praise Jesus! Can I hear an Amen?
+HEEEEY, MACARENA!
+I'd like to nominate my teacher, Mrs. Krabappel. She may not be glamorous or entertaining... She's just a real teacher who comes in every day no matter what. And she never gave up on me, Bart Simpson.
+The Bart Simpson?
+I thought he was just an urban legend.
+If she's danced with the devil in the blue shorts and lived, we have ourselves a nominee.
+Oh Lord, it's only Wednesday. I hope one of those little hoods puts a tack on my chair... just so I can feel something.
+What's going on?
+Edna Krabappel, you've been nominated for Teacher of the Year!
+Oh my God!
+Haw haw. You're crying!
+Nelson Muntz, you've been nominated for bully of the year.
+Thank you so much. Wedgie!
+How does it feel to be nominated for Teacher of the Year?
+I can't believe it. This, after I accidentally showed the R-rated "Romeo and Juliet." I thought that nipple would haunt me forever.
+Oh! Oh! Reporter Cletus, Outhouse Times-Picayune. Is there any persons, critters or spells to which you attribute this accolade?
+There's one person I'd like to thank for this.
+We've had our ups and downs, but I can't imagine life without him...Bart Simpson.
+I can't express how I feel in words, so I drew this picture.
+Ow! Mother! We were sharing an open-mouthed kiss!
+These stink lines stand for dedication, caring, and for letting me drink coffee in class. Way to go, Edna!
+Oh! Oh! Follow-up query. Mrs. K, if you win this here learnin' derby, will you forget your kith and kin and leave uth all forever?
+Leave us forever? I'd better pee on this fire.
+As Principal, I'd just like to say a few words about what this wonderful woman means to this school and to me.
+Webster's Dictionary defines Mrs. Krabappel as...
+Excuse me, I have an emergency page from mother.
+This press conference is over!
+So because I nominated Mrs. K, our whole family gets a free trip to the award ceremony in Orlando!
+Orlando? Are we going to Sea World?
+Disney World?
+Universal Studios?
+Fraid not.
+Leisure World?
+Sorry, Grampa.
+Gator Gulch?
+You wish.
+Leisure World?
+Grampa, you're not even going.
+Wait a minute... I know where we're going... Oh, it's horrible...
+It's even boring to fly over it!
+Oh, God!
+It's so exciting. I'm meeting my peers!
+Ooh, the FutureSphere. It's what people in nineteen sixty-five imagined what life would be like in nineteen eighty-seven.
+Eastern Airlines presents "The World of Tomorrow."
+Don't walk... fly! In your personal Eastern Airlines Air Buggy.
+And say goodbye to the cola wars! The victor -- Eastern Airlines Cola. And we're not stopping there...
+Because at Eastern Airlines, world conquest is part of our "master plan." Now enjoy the soothing music of The Turtles.
+It's nice and cool in here, don't you think?
+Welcome to the electric car of the future, sponsored by the Gasoline Producers Of America.
+Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast, or very far, and if you drive me, people will think you're gay.
+One of us! One of us!
+Willie, you're no stranger to the inner-workings of the female mind.
+Aye. Willie's sent many a Vermont Teddy Bear.
+Well, I'm a little worried that, uh, with all this attention, Edna may meet someone better.
+Damn straight she will, you brunch-eatin' popinjay. Your woman's in Orlando, man. You can't take two steps there without fallin' into a tunnel of love.
+Oh, I've been a fool. I've gotta go after her.
+Take me car.
+Make sure you fill it up with Techron gas. You don't want a case of the knocks.
+Wow, this restaurant is so international. Le Pizza, Der Hamburger, Señor Grilled Cheese... I hope I don't accidentally order an elephant.
+What happened to you two?
+Let's go make some fireworks of our own.
+I get to tamp the powder!
+I wouldn't have it any other way.
+Oh, I wish I had someone to share this with.
+Edna Krabappel, please report to the principal's arms.
+Oh, you came.
+I took a personal day.
+Seymour! Bring me some ice! My fanny is baboon-red after that car ride!
+You brought your mother?!
+Well technically since she's paying for the room, she brought me.
+I am tired of sharing you with your mother.
+This woman carried me for nine and a half months. I was out for two weeks, then went back in.
+Hey Skinner! Do you and Edna want to join Marge and me at "Great Moments With Mr. Eisner"?
+I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams.
+Oh, you mean the Enron ride. Let's go.
+We're all gonna be rich!
+We broke even!
+Ooh, that's good satire.
+Mom, is that Principal Skinner sleeping in the bed of tomorrow?
+Rise and shine, sleepyhead. You'll be late for the next rocket to the moon!
+He's never gonna get up. He's got
+no legs.
+What are you doing here?
+Well, since Edna dumped me, I've been wandering around this park all night. It's educational and offers mild thrills. Just like Edna.
+Now before the show, you'll need to take urine tests to prove you're not taking teaching-enhancing drugs.
+You can't test what's not there!
+We're also pleased to announce that our winner will receive enough money so they'll never have to teach again.
+Good Lord, I may lose Edna forever. I've gotta stop her from winning. Then she'll be broken, miserable and mine.
+Don't look back. Just keep driving.
+Seymour? Glad you're here. You can help me play "Halloween Hit and Run."
+Wait! That boy is lying! He's not illiterate.
+And he's good around the potty, too.
+Ooh, this game is gonna get some disapproving clucks. But for now I need my tongue to talk to you. I don't want to lose Edna, so I need you to sabotage her chances of winning tonight.
+But I don't want to hurt Mrs. K.
+All right, Bart, I didn't want to resort to this, but... this drawing was found on the wall of Springfield Elementary late last week.
+All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it pro boner.
+That's pro bono.
+I know what I said.
+This is the worst thing I've ever done. Even worse than what I did in 'Nam.
+You're gonna get your parade. Down my esophagus.
+So many categories... Gym teacher of the year, Substitute teacher of the year, Most Wheelchair-Accessible School Award?
+Who will take home The Rampy?
+And now, to present our final award for Teacher of the Year, Little Richard.
+I love teachers. In fact, I'm a teacher. I taught Paul McCartney to go "Whoo!"
+Purple Rain!
+Shut up!
+Michael Jackson just told me to shut up!
+We're down to our last three teachers, folks.
+And the winner will be decided by one final question -- asked by the students who nominated them.
+I feel terrible. But this is the only way I can win Edna without upsetting Mother.
+He has the tiny hands of a chimp.
+And now, Bart Simpson will ask a question to his teacher.
+W-u-w-h-a-a-t... W-w-wuh... h-h-huh...
+Hurry up, son.
+I'm sorry, I can't read. Mrs. Krabappel never taught me to read!
+Is this true, Edna?
+Oh God. I've created a Prankenstein!
+I'm sorry, everyone. I perpetrated this charade. The boy can read, and Edna Krabappel is the greatest teacher I have ever known. If she can teach me to love, then she can teach anything.
+Awwww...
+Seymour! Your feelings are ugly and wrong!
+Are you gonna listen to her?
+Not on your life, Reverend. From now on, I'm my own man.
+I have waited to hear that for so long.
+Wait, it gets better.
+Edna Krabappel, will you marry me? Now I must warn you, two months' salary only bought me the ring box.
+Oh here, honey. Take one of mine. Whoo!
+Ooh, I felt naked there for a minute.
+Seymour, of course I'll marry you.
+Oh, great. Three in a bed.
+Since the show is running long, we'll just go ahead and name a winner.
+Edna! Edna! Edna! Edna!
+Julio Estudiante...an inner-city math teacher who taught teenage gang members that differential equations are more powerful than bullets.
+What a rip! You all should be ashamed!
+Well, I didn't win Teacher of the Year, but I didn't go home empty-handed.
+Do you want to check out the bed of tomorrow... today?
+Oh, Seymour.
+I love happy endings.
+Well, here's ours. We're going to Disney World!
+Step away from the wall. Step away from the wall.
+Oh, it's so beautiful.
+One churro, please.
+That'll be fourteen dollars.
+Welcome to another episode of Padz, where we go inside the mega-mansions of today's hot young celebrities!
+This was today? The girl was supposed to call. Let's get this over with.
+Here's the recliner where Don Adams and Shelley Winters made beautiful music together. It should be in a museum. But museums don't want it.
+And here's my pool. I don't swim, so that's where I throw my shrimp shells.
+Krustofsky!
+Why look! It's my celebrity neighbor, Elliott Gould!
+Your monkey bit my kid again!
+Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lotion!
+Say hello to Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice!
+Dear Diary...
+"I have a crush on Kenny." Ha! That's me! You would like me, loser!
+Girls! Don't let this happen to you!
+Get the Turbo Diary -- from GirlTech!
+No one can read your secrets -- except you.
+Unauthorized user! Access denied!
+Turbo Diary, I love that I bought you.
+Get your Turbo Diary from GirlTech! GirlTech is a division of BoyTech.
+Hey, I could really use one of those.
+No arguments here. Man, I really come off like a jerk in this thing.
+Mom, Dad, my birthday's coming up, and GirlTech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
+Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
+Just buy me the friggin' toy.
+I love that little shill. Let's get her that diary.
+I agree -- a girl should have her own private diary. I had to share mine with my uncle.
+Oh-my-God-oh-my-God-oh-my-God.
+Dad, you can't eat all those free samples. We've got to get Lisa's present.
+Watch and learn.
+More free samples.
+Dad, you ate all the free samples. Now you're eating men's slacks.
+Eh, it's still better than Indian food.
+One Turbo Diary, please.
+Trying to keep those crushes secret, eh Romeo?
+It's not for me. I'm not a girl like you.
+Well played.
+I'm sorry sir, but I just sold the last Turbo Diary to that guy.
+Finally Smithers, a device worthy of storing my top-secret enemies list.
+I'm ready, sir.
+Number one, the Kingston Trio. Number two...
+Unauthorized user! Access denied!
+Now what am I gonna get Lisa?
+Sir, I can offer you this Tickle-Me-Krusty... the most popular toy of nineteen ninety-nine.
+I'm anatomically correct! Go ahead, take a peek.
+I wonder what mommy's medicine tastes like!
+Lisa's not gonna want that. Oh, what can I get her?
+Shop o' the mornin', Homer! Just call me "Mall" Flanders.
+What are you buying? Jerk stuff?
+You betcha! This kiosk sells personalized movies. I had one made starring little Rod.
+Kiosk Productions Presents an outer- space adventure...starring you!
+One day while flying your spaceship, you saw a planet and decided to land.
+Greetings. I am Commander...
+...Rod.
+Welcome, earthling. What are your hobbies?
+My hobbies include...
+...being quiet during trips, clapping with songs, and diabetes.
+Sounds like fun! Let's party!
+Hey, your kid is in the movie -- and the movie knows his name. Maybe Lisa will like this better than the diary. Stupid Flanders, you're a genius!
+A laser pointer! Thanks, Bart.
+It's really cool. You can point a red dot at people's crotches from really far away.
+Hmm, there appears to be a red dot on my trouser fronts. I'd better lower them.
+The dot also appears to be on my underpants. Well, down they go.
+Hey buddy. You'd better get that red dot checked out. My uncle died of crotch dot.
+Okay Lisa, now open the present from your father and me.
+I wonder what this could be?
+I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
+Could it be some kind of book?
+Well, yes and no.
+Mostly no.
+You were supposed to get her that stupid diary!
+But it's a personalized video about my favorite little star -- Lisa Simpson.
+Well... this could be fun. Let's watch it.
+Howdy pardners, My name is Sheriff...
+...Lisa Simpson.
+I sure am hungry for my favorite food...
+...McNuggets.
+I don't like McNuggets, I'm a vegetarian!
+Still? Then you're not gonna like your other present.
+Why it's my best friend...
+Maggie.
+Bad news, Sheriff...
+...Lisa Simpson.
+Some Indians took all the...
+...McNuggets. Mmm, McNuggets.
+I'll get those no good Indians. Just as sure as my favorite book is...
+...magazines.
+Wake up, Dad.
+Dad! That information is all wrong! Maggie's a baby, not my best friend! You don't know anything about me!
+Maggie, you're her best friend, go talk to her!
+Oh, what have I done? Children don't remember bad birthdays, do they?
+Good morning, honey. Did you cry out all your angries?
+I don't think so.
+Oh, Lisa's still mad at me.
+I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an axe.
+I did it for the insurance money.
+Look Lisa, I'm still trying to get to know you. Who's your favorite Traveling Wilbury? Is it Jeff Lynne?
+Dad, you've had eight years to get to know me. It's too late.
+But I'm full of questions. What's your favorite cigar size? Is it Robusto? Is it?!
+Gee Homer, you sure look sad.
+Yeah, at least you ain't aging six years for every one 'cause of your cow heart.
+Oh, my daughter hates me because I don't know anything about her.
+Ah, well, whenever I gotta know something about a broad, I use this guy.
+This detective is unbelievable. He can learn more about a chick by digging through one garbage can than you could from years of intimacy.
+He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night. Turns out I have severe schizophrenia.
+Well... if hiring this guy will make Lisa like me again, then I'll do it! Can I get this beer to go?
+Sure. Maybe some day I'll turn into a swan.
+Oh, God.
+Drunk cop? Is that you?
+No, look lower.
+Ooh, pie.
+What can I do for you?
+My name is Homer Simpson. And I desperately need your help.
+Let me guess. It's about a girl.
+How did you know?
+It's always a dame. Usually with gams that don't quit. Till they get to the shoes. And then they're only napping.
+Priceless.
+I need you to find out everything about my daughter, so she'll think I'm a good Dad.
+Okay, I'll get a line on your kid. I charge fifty bucks a day. Plus expenses.
+Anything to trick my daughter into liking me. Now, if you need to reach me, my email is chunkylover53 at AOL.
+Chunky... lover... 53?
+It's one word.
+One word.
+Chunkylover53.
+At AOL.
+Dot com.
+Hey! That's not your locker.
+You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler.
+Movin' on!
+I need to see Lisa Simpson's permanent record.
+I'm afraid that information is confidential.
+These are some nice-looking papers on your desk. It'd be a shame if somebody shuffled them.
+You wouldn't dare.
+Oh, wouldn't I?
+I could easily put them back in their original order.
+Oh, really?
+Noooooo!
+You're late, Muntz.
+Get bent, Shamus. I got what you're lookin' for.
+Nice. Very nice.
+Now give me back what's mine.
+My picture with Snow White.
+You know, she's just an actress.
+Shut up! Some of us prefer illusion to despair.
+Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
+Yes, yes, you said that already. What else do you know?
+I once picked my nose till it bleeded.
+About Lisa!
+Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
+Someone's already worked this guy over.
+Ah, the information I've been waiting for.
+Is that Miles Davis' "Birth of The Cool?"
+You should know. It is your favorite album.
+So you know one thing about me. Big deal.
+Wait, wait!
+I thought you might like to go to an animal rights protest today.
+Well, maybe.
+On the way home we could stop and get your favorite treat: ice...cream!
+What do we want?
+The gradual phase out of animal testing over the next three years!
+When do we want it?
+Over the next three years!
+Uh, young lady, why are you protesting today?
+Because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals. Take a look for yourself.
+They're making monkeys smoke cigarettes...
+And look at the way they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics!
+So sad, yet so sexy, yet so delicious.
+Dad, today was so great. The animal rights protest, a visit to the Museum of Sadness and Oppression...
+Well, we should get along. I mean after all, I am your... ...father.
+How'd you think of such perfect things for us to do? Did Mom help you?
+Mom? Don't you think I could read the report by myself?
+What report?
+Uh, report is a daddy word that means "loves his daughter."
+You read the "loves his daughter" by yourself?
+That's right, honey.
+You did it! Lisa thinks I'm the greatest. I might even put you to work on Bart and Maggie, go superdad on all their asses.
+I believe there's still the matter of my expenses.
+Oh yes. Well, let's take a look and see-- a thousand dollars! How did you spend a thousand dollars?
+It's itemized.
+A forty dollar steak?!
+Yeah, but if I'd eaten the whole thing, it would've been free.
+You've been living like a king on my dollar... Super unleaded gas... Silver bullets?
+Early on I was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf. It didn't pan out.
+I can't believe the man who agreed to follow my daughter around -- for money -- would turn out to be a dirt bag.
+You better pay up, Simpson!
+You'll regret the day you crossed Dexter Colt.
+You'll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place!
+I'm here at the Screaming Monkey Research Labs, where hundreds of test animals have been freed by unknown activists.
+Chief Wiggum, do you have a statement?
+Uh, yes. Yes I do, Kent. This is a horrible crime. One that-- Cut it out, Lou. He's makin' funny faces.
+Sorry, Chief. One of these monkeys has the same name as my ex-wife.
+Chief, do you have any suspects at this time?
+Well, we do have several promising clues. Uh, let's see, there's a Malibu Stacy scrunchy, a saxophone reed, and a book report on "The Secret Garden" by Lisa Simpson.
+Well, what does this tell you, Chief?
+Well apparently, there's a secret garden in all of us. And that Lisa Simpson is guilty!
+I was framed! You believe me, don't you Dad?
+Of course I do. It's all my fault for refusing to pay...
+... pay attention to you, my sweet little father-loving pile of forgiveness. Yes.
+Can Lisa come out with her hands up?
+Chief Wiggum, my daughter is innocent until proven guilty.
+Would an innocent person flee? No, really. Tell me. I honestly don't know.
+Chief, no.
+Even I knew that.
+Yeah. Yeah, I'm not... I'm not good.
+Heh, heh, they're trapped.
+Oh, dammit!
+Oh, I can't stop worrying about Homer and Lisa.
+Aw, Mom... This'll take your mind off them.
+Oh thank you, sweetie.
+Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants and a fair-haired girl in a red lampshade.
+Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad. I look just like a Powerpuff Girl.
+I look just like Elvis!
+Names, please.
+Lady Penelope Ariel-Ponyweather.
+Uh, Rock Strongo.
+Your real name?
+Uh, Lance Uppercut.
+Thank you. Sign here, Mr. Uppercut.
+Let me just put on my glasses.
+You're charging how much for a room?
+Hello, this is a phone survey. If the election were held today, would you vote for "A" the cops are there, or "B" you are free to talk?
+Uh, "A." And I'd like to add that proposition "Hug Lisa For Me" has my full support.
+Oh, Marge. You're not gettin' it, it's me. Homer. Simpson.
+We got a location, Chief.
+Good work, Lou. We'll leave right after dinner.
+Lisa, this is from your Mom.
+Dad, we are there.
+Aw... Life on the lam is really hard, but at least it's with you, Dad. I feel terrible for putting you through this, after what a wonderful father you've been.
+Lisa, I can't lie to you any longer... this is all my fault. I'm the worst dad in the world.
+What? Why?
+The man who framed you is a crooked detective. Who I hired!
+Why did you do that?
+To find out everything about you so I'd seem like a good father.
+How could you?
+Well, all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a great idea.
+Let's just get some sleep.
+All right Simpsons, the jig is up! We know you're in there!
+Okay, I'm coming right out the door. Dammit! These windows are so hard to squeeze through!
+Cheer up, honey, we're living an all natural existence, the kind you like. Ooh, a trash can. We'll find breakfast in here.
+I don't wanna eat from the trash.
+Oh, a banana!
+It's full of cigarette butts. So is this one...
+They must have come from over there.
+Those are the test animals! The detective must have sold them to the circus.
+We'll just tell the police and then I'm back to being plain old Rock Strongo.
+You're not telling nobody nothing.
+Make one move and you'll get a belly full of The Flying Giuseppe.
+How ya doin'.
+Dexter Colt. The man who framed my daughter.
+You should have paid the expenses.
+In retrospect, yes.
+Ooh, I think that fixed my back. Oh no, no. It's much worse.
+I'll just hide here.
+Now what are you gonna do? You can't shoot all of us.
+Damn it!
+You know Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office, I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.
+Dad, are you in here?
+How did she find us?
+Oh, Lisa has excellent hearing. Once when she was three, I was quietly sobbing in the closet and she found me!
+Oh Dad, you do remember something about me. Perhaps you also remember this laser Bart gave me earlier!
+I can't see!
+How ironic. Now he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.
+Well, it wasn't easy, honey, but I'm glad you love me again.
+Yeah. But what's gonna happen to the animals?
+Don't worry, honey. I released them all into the wild.
+Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again, I'm not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more.
+Duly noted.
+Hey Dad, will you read me a bedtime story?
+Why certainly son, just hand me that book you've got there...
+Unauthorized user! Access denied!
+I'm here with actor Rainier Wolfcastle, who, surprisingly, has filed for bankruptcy. Rainier, what went wrong?
+Three divorces in three months. What can I say, Kent? I'm a romantic.
+But this personal tragedy translates into a good old fashioned bankruptcy sale!
+Yeah! Everything must go. Even the painting of my Nana.
+This was done on her wedding day. Or should I say "deading day."
+How the mighty have fallen... into my price range. I wanna go there!
+Woo hoo!
+Now Rainier, I really don't think it's right to sell these Playdude centerfolds.
+Zip it, Holy Joe.
+Are you taking us to another mansion?
+Uh, yeah. Miss September, I think you're gonna have to get in the trunk.
+Whoa! A sword-cane!
+Everything here is sword.
+Sword baseball bat, sword rifle, sword pineapple, sword sword sharpener, sword pie-- Hey what happened to the sword pie?
+What do I do now?
+Hey look, a cyborg hand. This could really come in useful.
+Well, well, look who's gone Hollywood.
+Do you need some assistance picking over the tattered remains of my life?
+No, I'm good.
+Hey, your early porno movies! Are any of these hetero?
+What's there is there.
+Got any junk that will go up in value after you die?
+Right this way.
+My first weight set.
+The weights that changed you from a Bavarian creme puff to a mass of twitchy muscles?
+They know you are talking about them.
+I'll take it.
+Who's up for coconut oil?
+There is no way all this junk is gonna fit in that car.
+No, no worries. This is what all those hours of playing Tetris were for.
+Perfect!
+But there's no room for you.
+Do you think you could give me a lift home?
+Oh boy, is this awkward.
+She's in the back yard!
+Sure, I'll carry you in this giant Snuggli. I used it to carry Rob Schneider in the movie "My Baby Is An Ugly Man."
+Your heartbeat is so soothing.
+Shh. Time for sleep, little fatso.
+Ugh. Ew, Mom, I think Maggie fudged her Huggies.
+Bart, don't say it like that. You'll hurt her feelings-- Jeez Louise! How did you turn cinnamon applesauce into that?
+Don't try to pin this on me, sister.
+Summary emergency!
+Hello, Mrs. Homer!
+Apu, where's your bathroom?
+The bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street.
+Ugh, that is the most pungent thing I have ever smelled, and I am from India! All right, all right, but speak of this to no one!
+Don't worry, that sign is just a ruse -- like all "High Voltage" signs.
+There's a happy baby. Aren't you? Aren't you?
+Gimme your purse!
+Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
+Shut up!
+That's not a purse. It's a diaper bag.
+It looks like a purse, that's why I bought it, but it's really a--
+Shut up!
+Fine. I'll just take this!
+Come on, Mom, let's go.
+Mom, are you okay?
+It's all my fault my wife got mugged.
+There you have it, boys. Case closed.
+Look, this really made me feel vulnerable. I want to know how soon you think you'll catch this guy.
+Don't worry, Marge. I swear to you I'll put my best man on it.
+Wait Marge, I don't want you to leave the house without this.
+Emergency whistle, pepper spray and this map of the most vulnerable parts of a man's body.
+Why is it Ned Flanders?
+Oh, like I'm gonna kick Chief Wiggum in the groin.
+Okay Marge, you can do this. You've done it a thousand times before.
+Hi, Mrs. Simpson!
+Oh no! I pepper sprayed Ralph!
+Even my boogers are spicy!
+Let's go home. There's nothing dangerous there except for the electrical wiring.
+Mom, you didn't get the milk.
+And you parked on top of the mailman.
+It's okay. All part of the job. Can you believe I get paid to wear short pants?
+Oh, I'm sorry. I'll come right out and help you.
+I gave your necklace to my cheap girlfriend.
+I just throw it in a drawer at night.
+No! It'll tangle!
+Sorry, I can't go outside. I'll call for help.
+No hurry, I've got plenty to read. Ooh, Twilight Zone Magazine.
+Oh no, my glasses are broken!
+Marge, I'm afraid you've developed agoraphobia -- a fear of leaving the home. I recommend watching this Lifetime Channel movie.
+It's called "The Woman Who Died in Her Home."
+Oh, my God. Isn't there anything I can do?
+Marge, I suggest you slowly desensitize yourself to the fear of going outside. Create controlled situations where you can leave the house without pain or panic.
+What if I can't feel comfortable outside again?
+Then I hope you like throwing dinner parties.
+No one wants to eat dinner at a crazy lady's house! Get real!
+Don't worry, Mom. This first time we'll only take a few steps outside.
+All right, just to the mailbox and back.
+Now Dr. Hibbert said to use a number from one to ten to describe how anxious you are.
+Two, three, two...
+Don't worry. Everything is fine. What the hell is that?
+Eight...
+Dad, it's just a bug.
+It's not just a bug, it's the queen of something!
+Ten, ten, ten, ten...
+Don't worry, I'll set fire to the hive.
+Twelve... fifteen... seven hundred and three...
+Oh my goodness, it looks just like the Kwik-E-Mart!
+Yep, but you're still safe at home. After a few practice trips here, the real Kwik-E-Mart will be a piece of cake. Now, Bart will play Apu...
+I'm a magazine rack.
+Look, I'm the first to admit it. I don't write good parts for women.
+I'm a robber!
+All this does is shoot bubbles.
+Aggh! Silly String!
+Kids, I'll go find your mother.
+Dad, we're canceling the rest of the play.
+What play? What the hell are you talking about?
+I'm gonna sleep down here tonight.
+Listen kids, your Mom is going to be living in the basement. But with our love, she'll get better soon.
+What if she doesn't?
+Then we'll have to smoke her out.
+Uh, guys? Mom just left the basement!
+And may the peace of God be with you, amen.
+Amen. Over.
+Breaker, breaker. Bartman to shut-in. The big guy's asleep. Please advise. Over.
+Whack him with the hymnal. Over.
+I roger that big time.
+Why you little... oh, hi Jesus. I was just...
+Wow honey, eating dinner downstairs is great! Isn't it, kids?
+The air hockey table makes passing the carrots a breeze.
+Bart, eat your spinach.
+No way.
+Yes way!
+Stop it, please! I'm trying to eat.
+And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out.
+It's like we're at Cheers. I loved that show. Because you always knew it was only a half hour till "Wings." Then you could just sleep till Monday.
+'Bye, Mom!
+I'm sending the cat up with your lunches.
+Goodbye kids.
+What to do now. Too crazy to go outside, not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.
+Why did Homer buy those? No one's ever gonna use 'em.
+Three and four...and five eggs.
+Ladies, feel that burn. If you don't, the oven's not on.
+Ten... E-le-ven... TWELVE!
+I can bench twice as much as when I started! And look at my abs!
+Ow-wooh-wooh-wooh! I'm married to Joey Heatherton.
+Ooh, you know what would zest up this hollandaise? A lemon!
+Dad, do you plan to get in shape?
+No, actually, I'm going to eat twice as much.
+Excellent.
+I got all the way out to the tree before I realized I'd left the house.
+I'm stronger than I've ever been! I don't have to go back inside. I'm not afraid!
+Alright Mom! / Yay, Mom! / Woo hoo!
+I'm not afraid!
+Ned, I'm not afraid!
+Well, aren't you a super-duper recouper.
+Grampa! I'm not afraid!
+Then you're not paying close enough attention!
+Whatcha been up to? Livin' in fear?
+Not any more!
+You've just been Marge-inalized!
+Marge, that was amazing! It's like I'm married to Shaft.
+Hey Chief, I think that's the guy who mugged her.
+Yep, looks like she caught her own criminal. Unlike the rest of you lazybones.
+You're not gonna find those criminals looking at your feet, people.
+Marge Simpson!
+It's Ruth. Ruth Powers.
+Ruth Powers, my old neighbor? Oh, my goodness, look at you!
+I got this body in prison. I was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row.
+You know, another four inches on your neck and you'd look pretty hot. Ever thought of competing?
+I don't have those kind of muscles.
+Well you could. If you used these.
+Steroids!?
+I can't take drugs -- I have so many anti-drug bumper stickers. I'd be making a liar out of my tailgate.
+Steroids aren't drugs. They occur naturally in the body, like sweat, or tumors.
+But aren't there side effects?
+Yes. Their main side-effect is greatness. But if you'd rather be weak and helpless...
+No, no!
+I feel good... with no repercussions!
+A little of this and a little of that. Bulkenoids for my lats, mesomax for my delts, and estrogen blockers for that minty taste.
+Hurry up kids, you'll miss the bus!
+Not so fast, busboy!
+Man, what am I smoking?
+Oh yeah, pot.
+Bye Mom!
+Bye, kids! Bye, bye!
+Haw-haw! Your mom changed!
+Hey, hot stuff. I've got a competition tomorrow. I could use a good-luck snuggle.
+I'd rather talk about our feelings. I feel that illegal performance-enhancing drugs are too common these days. Rebuttal?
+Let's do it!
+Listen, my bulky flower, I-I have an early day...
+I wasn't asking.
+'Mornin' kids! I made your lunches. They're on the table.
+Huh? Why didn't Mom make our lunch?
+Your mom has a lot of stuff to shave.
+Ow... Ow... Ow... Oww...
+Now let's meet the ladies who our doctors assure us are women: the Iron Maidens!
+Ay carumba! I'm off women forever.
+Support the arts!
+This is the cheapest vacation you've ever taken me on.
+THE MAN WHO SHOT / LIBERTY VALANCE / HE SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE / HE WAS THE BRAVEST OF THEM ALL.
+Nice lady.
+In second place: Marge Simpson!
+Second place!? Oh man, this'll just encourage her.
+I'm tired of her criticizing my saggy glutes.
+Quiet, her muscular ears can hear us.
+So then I pop my delts, clench and bam! Not a dry eye in the house.
+Oh, I'm so proud of you, honey. You bulked up, but managed to keep your femininity.
+And that's why I didn't win!
+Sorry, sir, sorry.
+Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna up my glyco-load, use a denser ripping gel...
+Denser?!
+Damn straight, I didn't sacrifice my period for second place!
+I hear that.
+Uh, listen Marge, how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
+Maybe death will stop your yammering!
+Marge, easy!
+Everyone pile on Homer's wife!
+Disco Stu should have Disco Ducked.
+Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who instead of swatting a fly, will give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.
+Oh, my gosh, you're right: steroids have turned me into everything I hate. Let's go home, Sweetie.
+Club soda will get that blood out.
+Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses.
+Whoa, Moe. Wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first?
+Oh, crap.
+You know, I really do miss being a lady.
+And I miss being your knight in flabby armor.
+Oh, Homie.
+Ready for a real workout, Marge?
+Mm-hmm.
+Good. Can you wax the car? Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
+Dad, it's so enlightened of you to take us to a WNBA game.
+Yeah, well, nachos are nachos.
+Whoa! Check out Janeane Giraffe-alo.
+That's Fung Pang-Li, the seven-foot sensation from Szechwan!
+Szechwan, eh? No wonder she's so spicy.
+Bart, you're a little young to be growling at seven foot Chinese ladies.
+Fine, I'll go back to being bored.
+Wow, I wonder what it would be like to be with a woman like that.
+Mmm... Farfetched.
+Look! That's Lisa Leslie! She showed little girls everywhere that they can grow up to be six foot five!
+Lisa Leslie, you got game!
+I think you mean I have game. Try to speak correctly.
+You go girl!
+Yes, I will depart -- lest your bad grammar rub off on me.
+Now here's something for the men to dribble over, our mascot, Swish!
+Ooh, I can see her logo and everything.
+Hey, come back. Hey, I love you!
+Oh, darn it. Swish was everything I'm not.
+Put the head back on.
+And now, its time for our Fifty Thousand Dollar Half-Court Shot.
+The winning fan is in Section A,
+Row 12...
+... Seat 16!
+Woo hoo!
+Praise the Lord, my seat has scored!
+Dad, this ticket is for tomorrow's WNFL game!
+The Cowgirls versus the She-gles. No love lost there.
+Thanks for supporting the WNBA, sir.
+I think my leg is broken.
+You betcha. It's a nice break from the male sports I usually watch.
+You like male sports?
+Oh sure, speed walking, ballroom dancing, rhythmic gymnastics, extreme choir...
+Just hurry up and miss.
+Can't we just pretend you're really a girl?
+For how long?
+The rest of our lives.
+Gosh, fifty thousand dollars? I'm donating this whole check to "Bibles for Belgians."
+I'm the owner of this here team. I wanna reward your generous attitude with this check for a hundred thousand dollars.
+I'm crazy as a crap-house rat for philanthropy. Yee-ha! Yee-ha ha!
+I'm sorry sir, your car is still blocked in...
+Well, I guess Flanders doesn't have all the luck.
+...so we'll let you drive home in the Wiener-mobile.
+Well, hot dog!
+That cuts the mustard with me.
+It's not fair. I always wanted to drive a food-shaped car.
+The steering wheel is a giant onion ring!
+They thought of everything! How come all the good things happen to Jesus H. Nice? By which I mean Flanders!
+What are you doing?
+The grass is actually greener on Flanders' side.
+That's because you keep passing out on our lawn.
+No that's not it. He's got some secret. And I'm gonna find out what it is, no matter what it takes.
+Flanders, what's your secret? You never get arrested, you don't buy your clothes at "Mr. Blob" and look at your beautiful lawn. It sickens me.
+Well, whatever I've got I owe to hard work, honest living, and flossing my teeth, tail and toes. Plus a little prayer now and then.
+So that's all it takes, a little prayer.
+And now "Ken Burns," a documentary by Ken Burns about the life of Ken Burns.
+Ugh, where's the remote?
+Ever since he was a young man, Ken Burns has loved two things: Baseball and Jazz.
+They so consumed my life, I never had time for a proper haircut.
+Well, since I don't have the remote, I can just get up and change the channel.
+Wait a minute. I'll do what Flanders does.
+O, Merciful God, who has blessed mankind with two kinds of clam chowder, help me find the remote.
+There it is.
+I've never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives.
+Die, monster!
+You're watching Monkey Olympics on Fox!
+It worked! I got my wish! From now on, I'll pray till my hands are chapped and bleeding.
+Ooh, low marks. I've never seen Noodles this mad.
+She's throwing her diaper at the judges!
+O Lord, please guide that diaper into someone's schnozz.
+Vengeful God / Loving God. Vengeful God / Loving God. Vengeful God / Loving God. Vengeful God / Loving God. I could do this all day. And I just might. Vengeful God / Loving God. Vengeful God / Loving God.
+Setting up a prayer station, eh, Homer?
+You know, I used to think God only helped professional athletes and Grammy winners. But now I realize he helps shmoes like me, too, Carl.
+Makes sense to me. Ooh, by the way, did you see the judging in the monkey figure skating? Whose banana you gotta peel to get a five point nine? Could not believe that.
+Dear Lord, as I think of you, dressed in white with your splendid beard, I am reminded of Colonel Sanders, who is now seated at your right hand, shoveling popcorn chicken into thy mouth. Lord, could you come up with a delicious new taste treat like he did? I command you!
+Hey, watch it!
+Mmm. Move over eggs. Bacon just got a new best friend: Fudge.
+Oh heavenly God, my son is plagued with homework. With your vast knowledge of the shore birds of Maryland, I know you can help him.
+Homer, God isn't some kind of holy concierge. You can't keep bugging Him for every little thing.
+Can and will. Now to un-stop this sink.
+Lord, please use your space-age, clog-busting powers on this stubborn drain. Then take some time off for yourself. Fly to France. Have a nice dinner.
+I'll just call a plumber.
+Oh Lord, I see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel, Marge. For thou art most wise...
+You know, most people pray silently.
+Marge, he's way the Hell up there.
+Hmm, I'm afraid I've got bad news. Your trees have gotten into your plumbing.
+How bad is it?
+Your pipes have more roots than the list of all-time top-rated TV shows.
+Well, we could live with a stopped-up drain.
+I don't think all that moisture's gonna do wonders for your drywall. And it ain't in such great shape as it is.
+You was hiding behind the drywall. Yes you were! I'm glad Social Services didn't see this. Yes I am!
+Ooh, you coughed up some dry wall.
+Dad, are you hurt?
+Slip and fall? Can't go back to work? I'm Larry H. Lawyer, Junior. And I will fight for you! I also habla español.
+So that's your answer! I'll sue the church!
+Homer, we can't sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin.
+It wouldn't be the first time.
+I couldn't help it. Those pews are so comfortable.
+You have rights. You deserve financial compensation.
+He got me sixty thousand dollars. And I was driving drunk in a graveyard.
+Now you're my first client who actually is injured. According to this book, that's a big plus.
+Homer, please don't sue the church. I'm asking you as your friend and neighbor.
+Can I borrow your pen to sign this deposition?
+Okely dokely.
+Why do I always give in to him?
+It's his skull. It's hypnotic!
+Now hearing Homer Simpson versus The First Church of Springfield.
+Morning, Judge. How is your lovely wife?
+She was run over by a clergyman.
+We're very sorry for the victim's injury. But as this tape demonstrates, Mr. Simpson is accident prone.
+I can't see anything in this fog.
+Your Honor, we the jury find that to be America's funniest home video. Back to you, Bob Saget.
+This is a court of law!
+Okey-doke. We find for Mr. Simpson in the sum of one million dollars.
+Woo-hoo! Can I get that in lottery tickets, please?
+Your Honor, we don't have that kind of money. We're not a synagogue.
+In that case I award Mr. Simpson the deed to the church.
+You're giving him the church?
+He's not giving it to me, God is. Because I prayed for it.
+Dad, I think this might be the work of Satan.
+It's all good.
+Homer, for the last time...
+Please give the church back.
+That is gonna drive me nuts.
+Look, this church is our only option. Don't you kids want to live here?
+Anything's better than that dump we came from.
+And there are so many places to cloister myself!
+The dog's on board, too.
+Aw... he thinks he's papal.
+Well, the court has spoken, so... here you go. The baptismal font tends to run, you have to jiggle the handle. Oh, and Wednesday is garbage day.
+I'm so sorry, Reverend.
+Oh, it's not so bad. We'll be staying with the Flanderses.
+And Rev, you'll be bunkin' with me!
+Oh, I love this song.
+I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU, BABY / YOU WERE MADE FOR LOVING ME...
+I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU, BABY...
+Dad, there's a bunch of people in the Community Outreach Center.
+We'll just see about that.
+If it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous, I'd still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks.
+I'm so sorry for all your horrible problems, but this is our dog's room now.
+Wherever shall we go?
+You can come to my church.
+And what church might that be?
+Saint Paulie Girls' Cathedral.
+Okay, let's go there.
+Homer, that was not very Christian of you.
+You're right, Marge. I'll make it up to them. By throwing the bitchin-est beer bash this church has ever seen!
+Bless you, bless you, how you doin'?
+Wow Homer, this is like a party Dick Clark would throw.
+Yeah, fun, but not too fun.
+So where's Marge?
+She went to Lovejoy's temporary church. She's worried about her immortal soul.
+He said to his disciples...
+In your face, Bestway Linen Supply!
+No mercy! / Roll that rock! /
+In these times that test our faith, the Lord will be a holy sh...ining light unto us all.
+Oh, heh heh, sorry Padre. I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of the goyim.
+As I was saying, if we keep our hearts pure we can-- Dr. Hibbert, must you play the claw machine?
+I'll be right there. I've almost got me a kitty cat.
+I really enjoyed your sermon. Particularly the part about the pin in the gutter on lane fifteen.
+That wasn't me, that was the manager.
+Are you sure? Because it really spoke to me.
+Marge, it's as plain as the bruise on my shin -- there's no place for me here.
+Where you going, Reverend? The town's that way. Reverend? You're goin' the wrong way!
+I'm sorry, Ned. Looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.
+No, no, you're lying! You're lying! What makes you lie?
+Good evening. Springfield is still grappling tonight with the departure of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy. Local bible nut.
+How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum? Let's ask Arnie Pye in the sky.
+You wanna know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it.
+Arnie, you're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church.
+And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into people's souls? Well, yours would be black, Kent! Black as the ace of spades!
+Homer, send these people home. This housewarming party's been going on for two days.
+Hey, hey, you can't throw us out. I just made a Cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with Spam? Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?
+They've broken every commandment except one!
+Hey, Lenny, covet some more chili fries?
+You bet!
+That's it. The whole shebang.
+Lord, this town may have turned its back on you, but not the Flanderses. Wherever we are, you'll have your church. Are you with me, boys?
+Speaking in tongues. What great kids.
+Full house, jacks over twos. Ha ha-ha, read 'em and strip, Barn.
+Ah, ah, ah. Slowly. Make me forget my troubles.
+Aw, I hate this game.
+Look at all this, the great food, the party, the sunshine -- it's hard to believe one God came up with all this.
+Well, there's probably a lot of gods.
+Yeah, and some of 'em's gotta be chicks.
+Yeah, with like a thousand boobs.
+Ooh hoo! That's the God I'm gonna worship!
+Well, there's only one god for me: your dad's old hunting trophy.
+On Dasher, on Dancer. Man, I must be wasted.
+Homer aren't you afraid you might be, I don't know, incurring God's wrath?
+Eh, God's cool.
+See, I don't know that He is. In the bible he's always smiting and turning people into salt.
+Oh look, God's giving us a little shower.
+Everybody, look at the much-needed rain. Thank you, God. Now turn the rainwater into wine.
+Okay boys, this is it. The end of this sinful little suburb.
+Let every evil lung fill!
+Okay, I've got two of every animal. But only males -- I don't want any hanky-panky. Hey, hey, hey, cut that out!
+Oh, wet and wonderful God, your flood has driven us to the roof of your church. Surely this has proven whatever point you had.
+God's ignoring me.
+Dad, maybe you should stop praying. See if that makes It happy.
+This heretic has doomed us all!
+Yeah, I say we skin him alive and set him on fire.
+Yeah, that'll appease God.
+Appease who now?
+Leave that man alone!
+It's Reverend Lovejoy!
+Let us pray.
+Dear Lord, please spare this sinful town. They were misled by a demon in blue pants.
+I guess I learned something here. God is capable of great anger and great mercy. But mostly great anger.
+There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air which created rain. And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable.
+Yeah, but what made the rain stop?
+I'unno. Buddha?
+Hey, they've suffered enough.
+Keep that popcorn chicken coming, Colonel.
+Mmmm. Mmmm. Not bad. Think it's about time you told me what's in those spices.
+Today we honor three great Americans: Jazz legend Ornette Coleman...playwright Arthur Miller...and all-around genius, Lisa Simpson.
+We're not worthy! / We're not worthy!
+Thank you, Mr. Cronkite.
+She knows my name!
+Ladies and Gentlemen. Tonight, I'd like to harangue you about the plight of--
+Mom, why did you wake me up? I dreamt I was at the Kennedy Center Honors.
+Well here's another low-rated annual event -- Spring Cleaning!
+Come on, everyone's helping.
+You've gotta get rid of those Furbies. They've turned feral!
+Hmm, this is an interesting old book.
+"Molochai desiratum maledictu... nosferatu ascendum corporalis...,molochai desiratum maledictu nosferatu ascendum corporalis,6
+87171,302,14,Lisa Simpson: (READING) Diabolicus abominabolis...,147000,true,9,5,Lisa Simpson,Simpson Home,Diabolicus abominabolis...,diabolicus abominabolis,2
+87172,302,15,"Lisa Simpson: Ooh
+Hey, a box of old videotapes.
+Hm, "Marge and Homer Get Dirty."
+Hey, Lis! Think you're well adjusted? I've got something to show you.
+I can't believe you talked me into this.
+It's such a mess. Watch the teeth!
+Don't go telling your buddies at work about this.
+Every tape is pumpkin carving.
+Hey, what's this?
+BART SAD.
+If I ever needed proof of the existence of God, here it is.
+Balki, you're dancing in the toilet.
+What? You never heard of "Flush Dance"?
+Perfect Strangers will return after these commercials.
+What a beautiful baby...
+What horrible breath!
+HE'S THE BABY WHOSE MOUTH / SMELLS LIKE DEATH / RUN FOR YOUR LIFE / IT'S BABY STINK-BREATH!
+Oh my God, that's me!
+This isn't "BART SAD." It's "BART'S AD."
+Wait, I was in a commercial? I don't remember this at all.
+No more Baby Stink-Breath!
+Thanks to the Baby-So-Fresh tri-patch system! These soothing chemical patches alter your baby's DNA... while leaving the RNA untouched!
+Not safe for babies under two.
+You're Baby Stink-Breath! You're Baby Stink-Breath! En Francais! Vous Etes L'enfant Stink-Breath!
+How could you make me Baby Stink Breath and not even tell me?
+I was going to tell you on my deathbed.
+Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials. And you made a lot of money.
+I did? Where is it?
+Your father invested it in a college trust fund, which today must be worth a...
+La la la la la la la la la.
+Of course, the stock market's been down lately.
+But there must be some sort...
+La la la la la la la. Nothing left. La la la... la... la.
+You spent all the money I earned?!
+I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos.
+Look. See. You're fine. And then--oops! Uh-oh. Look out...
+I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero!
+See, Bart. I saved you.
+You stole my money!
+Bart, stop that!
+That's okay. His cute little hands can't even fit around my neck.
+Now he's got it.
+Bart, the larynx is not a plaything.
+Mom, I am sick of the way he treats me. He disrespects me and I'm just supposed to accept it?
+That's right. You're mine till you're eighteen. And when you're seventeen I'm gonna know the end is near, so I'm gonna work you like a dog.
+So my Dad blew all the money I made from that embarrassing commercial. Promise me you won't tell anyone about it.
+I won't, but these things have a way of getting out.
+Haw haw! Baby Stink Breath!
+It was worth it.
+I just wish there was some way to get back at my Dad.
+When my Mom wants to get back at my Dad, she uses her lawyer.
+Does it make him cry?
+More than normal.
+Hey, son. I've got tickets for the circus.
+Hmmm. Badger, Haggle and Bill," "Luvum and Burnham, Family Law," "Hackey, Joke and Dunnit." Bingo!
+I want a divorce from my parents.
+You whaaa?!
+I said I want a divorce from my parents.
+Yes, I heard you. I was just calling my secretary.
+Uwa, get me the standard child- divorcing-parent form.
+Yes sir.
+I heard a wonderful saying today: "forgive and forget."
+Yes, son. At times like this I just look at my bracelet.
+Good point, Dad. What would Jesus do?
+Jesus?! I thought it was Gepetto!
+Who is it?
+I'm here to serve you with a subpoena.
+Well, I'm not opening the door.
+It comes with a side of bacon.
+Is it crispy?
+But not too crispy.
+See you in court.
+Bart, you're suing us?!
+Yes, I want to be emancipated.
+Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?
+No Dad, it means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.
+I wanted a sewing room. But not like this. Not like this!
+Mom, you've always been cool to me. But Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
+Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.
+My IV is empty and my catheter is full!
+See you tomorrow.
+Bart, using this doll, tell the court where your father took money from you.
+Here... and here.
+Let the record show that he pulled out the little pockets of the doll.
+Mr. Simpson. Your son alleges that you have an anger management problem...
+Why you little...! Um, I'm sorry, Judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
+Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement?
+Why you little...!
+Why you little...!
+Why you little...! Why you little...!
+All rise for the verdict.
+Son, I just want you to know, whatever that judge decides, I'm gonna be the best dad I can.
+No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own...
+Woo hoo! You're still mine! And you thought I was a bad dad before.
+Except in this case.
+That boy's about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack. Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated!
+Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.
+Mmmmm... garnish.
+That means half your paycheck goes to Bart!
+What the--? Half goes to Bart. Half goes to my Vegas wife. What's left for Moe?
+Homer, don't make things worse.
+I'll show you worse!
+I was told this would be televised!
+How can I fit my whole life into a suitcase? Maybe if I move that thing there... perfect.
+Bart, where are you gonna live?
+With the money Dad's paying me, I rented a loft downtown.
+Do you even know what a loft is?
+No. I assume it has hay.
+Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
+Here's something to remember me by.
+Ow! Indian burn!
+Look at it.
+Aw, that's so sweet.
+If I did it right, it's permanent.
+Please don't go, Bart. I'll let you swear in the house. Everything but the big three.
+Sorry Mom. I just can't. Not as long as he's here.
+Oh honey, I can't believe this is happening. I'll miss you so much.
+Either give me some of that, or let's get going.
+Sorry Mom. I gotta go.
+Go ahead, leave. You'll come crawling back.
+That's right! Crawling on your knees!
+Crawling! Oh, he's really gone. He's gone!
+Well here I am, on my own. And I'm gonna make it, world!
+Be quiet in there! Some of us are tryin' to sell drugs!
+Look out, son. This one's got a little mustard on it!
+Attaboy! We just won the World Series! You and me together! Yeah!
+He should have done that with the real Bart when he had the chance.
+Being a free man is great, Milhouse. I can draw on myself with a magic marker.
+Boy, I wish I was a free man. Mom, where's Puppy Goo Goo?
+Oh, Puppy Goo Goo, fetch me a dream.
+Boy, it's really empty in here.
+Now calm down. I'm perfectly safe. Murder's illegal in this state.
+Okay, that was just my imagination.
+Not up! Down!
+I'm gonna die in my jammies!
+Hey, it's an emancipated minor! What's your name?
+I'm-I'm Bart Simpson, and-- Hey, are you skateboarding legend Tony Hawk?
+That's what my business cards say.
+Oh wait. That's my old phone number.
+You live in this building?
+When I'm not on the road or in rehab for my shattered pelvis. I hope you don't mind living below a bunch of pro skaters who like to party.
+I'll adjust.
+Hey, Blink 182!
+We have names, you know.
+Whatever. You can crank it up!
+Dude, let's trash this place.
+After we get paid.
+Oh man, this is the greatest night of my life. If my Dad could see this he'd be so mad.
+He can. There's a web cam right there.
+Of all the sites on all the web, I had to click onto his.
+Darn it! I keep pouring juice for five.
+Did you see that, boy? Your mom thinks you're still here!
+Oh, tomorrow's the day the judge said we can visit Bart.
+I think he might come home if we can show him we can treat him better.
+For your information, I've been taking steps to become a better father.
+For the past week I've been carrying around this bag of sugar. It's taught me how to love and care for a child.
+What the-- where the hell is my sugar?!
+Condoleeza-Marie ain't too playful tonight.
+And I don't remember her being this granulated.
+Can I put your baby in my coffee?
+Well, the doctor said you eat any more baby, they gonna take your foot.
+Thanks for the lift, Tony Hawk. I've gotta go now, Tony Hawk.
+Cool guy, Tony Hawk.
+Bart, you know Tony Hawk?
+Please, I'm trying to keep it quiet. Catch ya later, Tony Hawk.
+Stay cool, Brett.
+I don't think this is a good place for a ten-year-old boy.
+Here's five dollars. Buy yourself a suit and get busy.
+I'll buy a suit... of drugs!
+Hi guys... Dad.
+Hello, son. You're looking well.
+Wow, this place is great. That couch looks really pricey.
+Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.
+Of course, because you wouldn't want to... I paid for your splendor, you...!
+...And for every syringe I find, I get a dollar.
+Well, that's great, honey.
+Do it without the attitude or don't do it at all.
+You know son, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I was wrong to exploit you, and I won't do it again.
+Thanks Dad, that means a lot to me.
+So, do you think you might see your way clear to moving back in with your maw and me?
+Sorry, no can do. I'm taking off for six months to join the Skewed Tour.
+Skewed Tour? The traveling festival of rock 'n' roll, skateboarding and extreme sports?
+And nipple piercing.
+Don't worry, they're clip-ons.
+Behold, the delightful unicorn I got at the face-painting pavilion.
+Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.
+He's suffered enough.
+Yeah, but on the other hand...
+Just a reminder: If you're getting bogus returns on your investments...contact Goldman Sachs, the skewwwed financial planners. Up next on the half-pipe, boarding legend Tony Hawk.
+Psst, Mr. Hawk. May I have a word with you?
+An extreme word?
+Sure. My son is Bart Simpson and...
+I didn't say extreme to the max.
+Sorry. I just wanna win my son back so badly.
+I can relate. I'm a father myself. One day they're little shredders. And the next day they're grinding and gnashing their way to college.
+Yeah, I make up words too. Anyway, I was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest so I can be a hero to my boy again.
+I'll lose millions in endorsements, but, okay.
+This board represents the ultimate in poser technology. It gives people the illusion they have talent.
+Groovy.
+Just lock your feet in and the board does all the work.
+All the work?
+Fine. I'll lift you onto the board, too.
+Now the portion of our event where champion Tony Hawk may be challenged by any unknown member of the audience.
+I'm challenging you, Hawk. In front of all these outcasts and dreamers, who can't even get into the army, if you can believe it.
+Dad, how drunk are you?
+Not very!
+You're going down, Homer. Then back up. Then down and back up again. That's how the game is played.
+I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this.
+It's three hundred, Mom.
+I could have sworn it was three hundred and two.
+Now to win back my son in comfort and style.
+You know, I could save money by buying separate nuts and mixing them at home.
+Man, I wanted him to look good. But not to show me up. It's time to take out the thrash.
+Woo hoo! I rule this pseudo sport! Come back to me, boy!
+Dad, you don't understand. This was never about being cool. It was about you not caring how I felt.
+Aw, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid.
+Homer, you're heading for a parental face plant. Do a 180 emotional ollie.
+Finally, someone explains it to me in words I can understand. Look, boy. I know I did wrong and I am truly sorry.
+I put you in humiliating commercials for money, which I spent on myself. I just wish I had an opportunity to make things right.
+Mr. Simpson, I like the way you handled yourself on that board. Would you like to do a commercial for us?
+Anything... as long as I can give the money to my son.
+Excellent. I represent Viagrogaine, the topical rub for bald, impotent men.
+Well... I am bald and important. Where do I sign?
+Oh, Steve. You're everything a girl could want. What's your secret?
+Well, Kathy, I'll tell you. It's Viagrogaine. It gives you lots of hair and what you need down there. What are you waiting for, loser?
+Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.
+What did they say about my scalp?
+Don't worry, Dad, it's just a commercial. No one will remember this in fifty years.
+Haw haw.
+Welcome to "Matinee of Blood and Commercials." I am your hostess, Booberella. Our first fright flick is 1983'S "Frankenstein and the Harlem Globetrotters Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals."
+I can't just sit here watching this junk.
+That's better.
+If you watch closely, you might recognize a young Ray Romano.
+All right, Frankenstein. That's a three second violation.
+No blame Frankenstein. Me made from corpses of Denver Nuggets.
+Now for the first of our eighty-two commercial breaks. Then you can see more of my boooobs.
+It's nice to see a realistic single woman on TV.
+Hello, Springfield! Come to my "Back-To-School Parking Lot Blow-Out."
+School's starting, Bart. Aren't you excited? This year you learn about local history!
+We've got first-rate school supplies at third-world prices. At the Kwik-E-Mart where we believe in America!
+Please don't beat me up anymore.
+Bad news. Ray Romano has sued to prevent the showing of the movie. Watch this commercial for Krustyburger while I appeal this temporary injunction!
+LIKE A RIB / IT TASTES LIKE LIBERTY / LIKE A RIB / WITH A BUN OF SESAME...
+We start with authentic letter-graded meat, and process the hell out of it, till it's good enough for Krusty.
+Try my new Krusty Ribwich. Mm. I don't mind the taste!
+Ooh, a new hamburger sandwich.
+Wow, I can't wait to pack that into my colon.
+Dude, take it easy on the fatty foods. You're running out of leg veins to transplant into your heart.
+I got arm veins, don't I?
+Yes, sir.
+SCHOOL'S BACK IN SESSION / LET'S BEGIN OUR LESSONS...
+This year, he gets it in the back.
+Willie, did you get the letter about your pay cut?
+Aye. There'll be many a cut this year.
+Indeed there will. Budgetwise, of course.
+Nelson, how was your summer?
+Sucked.
+What'd you do?
+Space camp.
+At ease, Cadet Nelson. Good to be back on terra firma, eh?
+How 'bout I launch my foot into your butt?
+I held your hair when you barfed in the simulator.
+Shut up! Commander.
+Welcome back, children. We've all had fascinating summers. I was the Maitre D' at the Springfield Country Club.
+My dad says you were a busboy!
+You mean your dad the raging alcoholic?
+Um, we'd better get down to business. As this is a non-leap year, we're already a day behind.
+C'mon man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
+Well, if by "wank" you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time.
+Let's get the year rolling with an all-school spelling bee!
+Woo hoo!
+I guess I won't be popular this year, either.
+Bart, your word is "imply."
+Imply. I-M-P...
+Bart said "I am pee"! He's made of pee!
+Well, I got my laugh. I'm outta here.
+I made Bart in my pants.
+Well, we're down to our last two students. Milhouse, your word is "choke."
+Oh I know this one. It's so easy! F... Oh, man.
+Stop laughing! It will scar him for life!
+It is kind of infectious. Lisa, "impugn."
+I-M-P...
+Hey, Lisa said she was--
+Shut up, Pee.
+...U-G-N. Impugn.
+That's right! Lisa Simpson, you're school champion!
+Wow. I'd better make the most of this.
+Free Tibet!
+There'll be time for that later. Now, you can concentrate on representing our school at the state spelling finals.
+Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!
+And here's your prize for today: a scale model of the planet Mars.
+This is just a kickball with "Mars" written on it.
+Behold, the red planet.
+It was so exciting -- I actually got applause for being smart!
+Mars, eh? Hmmm, I see no evidence of water.
+Well this is very impressive, Lisa. I'm kicking this right onto the mantle.
+Well, I'm not done yet. Principal Skinner said if I win the state finals, I can go to the Spell-lympics!
+I'm just happy you're excited about something besides saving the whales. Face it, they're doomed!
+Hey, hey the Ribwich is back!
+The Ribwich! The commercials have come to pass!
+Try the new Ribwich. It's so good you'll croak!
+You seem like an impartial observer. But I've been fooled by so many people in costumes.
+Try the sauce -- I'm soaked in it!
+I could lick you all day long.
+And yet my children think I'm a failure.
+One Ribwich please.
+Hm, now without lettuce.
+Sir, are you all right?
+I have eaten the ribs of God.
+Drool cleanup at register four.
+Ameliorate.
+Could you use it in a sentence?
+Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.
+I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.
+A-M-E-L-I-O-R-A-T-E. Ameliorate.
+Correct. Lisa, you just won the state finals!
+Diphthongs, cognates, Latin roots / Lisa clobbers all you fruits!
+Oh, our little girl's got her own cheering section!
+Hey, who doesn't?
+You tell her, Big H! / You da man! / Eh, you ain't so hot.
+Lisa, I'm so impressed you're state champ.
+Finally, a Simpson has a trophy without a bowling ball on it.
+Well, why don't we celebrate by going to a movie?
+That sounds like a magical family moment. I'm sorry I won't be there.
+Really? It won't be the same without you, Dad.
+Oh, sweetie, you're the most important thing to me in the whole world. Only very serious Daddy business can tear me from your side.
+Three Ribwiches please. And instead of a shake I'd like a blended Ribwich.
+I'm sorry, sir, the Ribwich was for a limited time only.
+He's an acerose.
+Not again! First you took away my Philly Fudge Steak, and then my Bacon Balls, then my Whatcha-ma-chicken. You monster!
+I'd like a large fries, please. And a collector's cup.
+Dude. If you still want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule.
+Wow, this is amazing. I could follow the Ribwich from town to town.
+That's what we do. We're Ribheads.
+Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?
+If you like the Ribwich, not very.
+Lisa, to honor Springfield Elementary's shining star, we are granting you a double-wide locker.
+Your books will actually fit in this one.
+Hey, my locker's gone!
+Your effects have been moved to Willie's shack.
+Come along, lad. And lose your books. They won't help you where you're going.
+In business news, 3M and M&M have merged to form... get this... Ultradyne Systems. And speaking of news stories, here's another:
+Springfield spelling phenom Lisa Simpson has qualified for spelling's answer to the Olympics, the Spellympics.
+In a related story, the Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix "lympics". This has gotta be the slowest news day ever.
+Ah, that's better. Paris is no more. The legendary city of lights has been extinguished forever as a massive...
+Okay, Champ. I before E, except after C.
+Except when pronounced like "a," as in "neighbor" and "weigh."
+Really? Hmm. Well what about in the sentence "Jim Nabors is way cool"?
+Well how often is that gonna come up?
+It's on my apron.
+Yeah. I've got some work to do.
+Hey lookie, it's that young'un what sorts them squiggles into words. Can you spell scabies?
+S-C-A-B-I-E-S.
+Rubella, we got you a middle name.
+Ya ain't supposed to hold her like that.
+Spell AC/DC!
+Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt!
+Relapse!
+R-E-L-A-P-S-E.
+THAT'S WHAT BEER HAS DONE TO ME! / SOCK IT TO ME / SOCK IT TO ME / SOCK IT TO ME / SOCK IT TO ME...
+L-I-S-A! L-I-S-A!
+Thank you! I've never felt more accepted. Perhaps one day people who spell correctly will replace athletes at the top of our national pantheon.
+Uh, I was just K-I-D-D-I-N-G.
+C'mon Dimples, spell something else for us!
+I'm a little tired.
+Aww c'mon, hey, spell "Little Miss she thinks she's so big."
+Very well. L-I-T-T-L-E -M-I-S-S...
+I ain't got time for this. I got a bar to run.
+Welcome to the games of the 34th Spellympiad. I'm George Plimpton, founder of the Paris Review. I also played the evil dean in "Boner Academy."
+You monster! Why did you expel Boogerman?
+He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus.
+That was awesome!
+And now, in the ancient spelling bee tradition, we shall release the bees.
+And now to exterminate the bees, the magnificent Blue Angels.
+It's so exciting! It's like living in a dictionary.
+Really? He possesses the properties of a pine needle?
+Look, I didn't bring a GameBoy. This is all I got.
+"A-N-T-H-R-A-X." Am-thwax.
+Awwww...
+He's adorable! I'd sure like to tuck that in at night.
+Well, we're down to our three finalists. Lisa...
+...Sun Moon...
+...and Alex.
+We will crown our champion tomorrow. Now, please enjoy our unlicensed knockoff of the Olympic anthem.
+Congratulations, sweetie. You're in the finals!
+Well, I'm just happy you guys all came up here to Calgary with me.
+I'm sorry, honey. I can't be here tomorrow. It's the last day the Ribwich is in San Francisco.
+Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?
+You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich. It's about brotherhood. It's about freedom. It's about three days since I've had one! I'm getting the shakes... and I'm getting the fries!
+Don't worry, honey. You can win without him.
+I guess I'll have to. Then I'll be queen of the world! Of spelling. That's right, queen of the world! Of spelling.
+Lisa, may I see you privately for a moment?
+This can only be good.
+Lisa, competitive spelling has fallen on hard times. Today's students would rather watch Ozzy Osbourne. "Look at me, I'm a drug addict. Ho, ho, ho."
+Some of us still enjoy scripted comedy, sir.
+That's a good girl. But if spelling is to compete, it needs a charismatic champion. Someone like me, back when I was a white-haired little boy.
+Well, I haven't won yet--
+Nor shall you.
+The future of our very sport is at stake, and we want the gold medal to go to him.
+Who, Alex? The boy that everybody loves?
+Yes, he's crowd-pleasing and he's cute. Women in the audience toss their thick glasses at him.
+I'm not throwing a spelling bee! I'll die before I misspell.
+Be reasonable, Lisa. If you take a dive, we'll guarantee you a scholarship to the "seven sisters" college of your choice.
+Free college?
+And a hotplate.
+It's perfect for soup.
+Throw the bee and go to college. Throw the bee and go to college...
+We are the Seven Sisters, and you could attend any one of us. Like Barnard -- Columbia's girl next door.
+Come to Radcliffe and meet Harvard men!
+Or come to Wellesley and marry them.
+No, party with me.
+Or non-conform with me!
+Play lacrosse with me.
+Or explore with me.
+No, I don't want to pay for college by throwing a spelling bee.
+Give in, Lisa! / Get a free ride!
+And a hotplate!
+Free ride! Free ride! Free ride! And a hotplate!
+What is it, sweetie?
+Mom, I'm having a crisis of conscience. Can you and Dad afford to send me to college?
+Oh sure. I mean, not on your father's salary, but I could... give piano lessons.
+But you don't play the piano.
+I just gotta stay one lesson ahead of the kid.
+Well, I suppose I could just skip college and marry Milhouse...
+I know this is a fantasy, but I'll take it.
+Eh, forget it.
+Noo! I'll never be this happy again.
+Hey man, can you turn me on?
+Hey! Don't Borgnine my sandwich.
+Hey, hey!
+Hey, it's the guy from the drive-thru!
+Yeah, I'd like three Ribwiches, a diet coke...
+Will you get out of my... Look, about the Ribwich. There aren't gonna be anymore -- the animal we made 'em from is now extinct.
+The pig?
+The cow?
+You're way off. Think smaller, think more legs.
+People, we went through something magical together -- and it's not important who got rich off of whom, or who was exposed to tainted what. And because you believed in my dream, I want you to fight over the last Ribwich ever made. Here.
+Welcome to the real world, hippies!
+Ah, what a long, strange product roll-out it's been. Goodbye!
+Man, you got the last Ribwich. I'll give you anything for it.
+Please, please. I'll get you four days and three nights at a Comfort Inn, anywhere in the lower forty-eight states. Blackout dates: December 19th through January 5th.
+I give-a you the lease-a to my car.
+Lisa? Is this what I've come to? Fighting over a stupid sandwich on my daughter's big day? Mister, I'll take that car.
+That's-a nice.
+I have-a the buyer's remorse.
+All right, your word is "weather."
+Which one? Can you use it in a sentence?
+Certainly. "I don't know whether the weather will improve."
+"W"... Uh... Um...
+Alex, your word is "rigged." As in "This contest is rigged."
+R-I-G-G-E-D. "Wigged."
+Bravo, my pet. You shall be champion, assuming Lisa misspells this next word.
+The word is "intransigence."
+Could I please hear it in a sentence?
+Certainly. "The little girl's intransigence cost her the college of her choice."
+Intransigence. "I..."
+Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey!
+Dad, you do care!
+Damn right honey. You're number one on my menu. Now super-size it!
+With you here I can't fail. Attention, everyone. I was asked to take a dive. But I won't do it. I-N-T-R-A-N-S-I-G-A-N-C-E.
+You fool! It's E-N-C-E!
+Oh my God, you're right. I spelled it wrong. I tried my best -- and I failed!
+And now you lose everything. And I go back to whatever it is I do.
+Lisa, honey you spelled the word wrong, but you did the right thing.
+Yeah, you're the number one speller in this car or in that car or in that car or, don't look at that car.
+My one chance for everyone to like me, and I blew it.
+Two cheers for Lisa! Hip, hip...
+Hooray!
+Hip, hip...
+Hooray!
+Now, deep breath and quiet.
+You mean you're all still proud of me?
+Lisa, with second place, you're the biggest winner this town has ever had. Before you, it was the woman who dated Charles Grodin.
+You have made me feel so wonderful. Thank you, Springfield!
+We've got another surprise for you...
+Ay carumba!
+That's amazing. Thank you.
+Come on, come on, let's get to the beach!
+Hold your horses. I was up all night fishing out the drawstring from your father's swimsuit.
+It came out again.
+Well, I'm all set. I'm gonna be following the latest designs from Modern Sandcastle magazine.
+Well, I'm all set, too.
+Then all that's left is to protect Maggie from the sun.
+I think she needs a diaper change.
+Well, it ain't happening today.
+Look, everybody! Here they come!
+Once again we celebrate Springfield's most beloved event. For each year, on the third Tuesday of May Sweeps, we witness the return of the stinging red jellyfish!
+What a sight! It happens every year like the swallows returning to Capistrano.
+Or the Fox Network getting a new President.
+I made a new friend!
+I'm going to Africa, to see lions and giraffes and monkeys and Santa and gorillas and...
+Daddy, why is everyone so happy the jellyfish are back?
+Well, in the old days, people thought jellyfish venom had curative properties. Now we know it just makes things a whole lot worse.
+Like laser eye surgery?
+Exactly.
+JELLYFISH, ALONG YOU CAME / AND RIGHT AWAY I'M STUNG...SWEET WORDS I LONG TO WHISPER / BUT YOU'VE PARALYZED MY TONGUE.
+Oh, what a magical evening. The moonlight, the music, the water...
+Enough talk. Dip me, my love.
+Lower. Lower!
+Ah, this is as romantic as the night I proposed.
+Maybe we can have this band play at our wedding.
+I was kinda hoping we could use this audio cassette.
+Seymour, we've got to have a band.
+Fine, but no cake.
+Sarah, you're as lovely as the day I first arrested you.
+Oh, Clancy.
+You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. I was so shy.
+Well, Sea Captain, looks like you and I are sailin' solo tonight.
+Arrr you hitting on me? 'Cause I don't do that... on land.
+Well, guess I might as well head back to my store. I've got a date with some twins: my state and federal tax forms.
+Poor Ned. This is his first Jellyfish Festival alone.
+I know, and it doesn't get any easier from here. There's the Tongue-Kissing Festival... Cinco de Ocho... The Hobo Oscars... days just made for lovers. Not widowers, lovers.
+"Form of business?" Sole proprietorship. "Owner's marital status?" Happily married... to a dead woman.
+Excuse me, are you open?
+Mm hmm! Open as a tomb on Easter. Now, what can I ding dong diddily do for ya?
+Boy, they don't make 'em like you in L.A.
+Oh, I should say not. I gave up on L.A. when those TV people made that poor nun fly. All those Puerto Ricans lookin' up her dress. That's not right.
+Do you have any left-handed eyelash curlers?
+Do I! No I don't. But I can have 'em here by Tuesday.
+Well, for now I'll take a left-handed crimper.
+Why, you are gorgeous.
+You don't know who I am, do you?
+I sure do. You're the most important person in the world, because you're my customer.
+Are you for real?
+I'm as real as the nose on your face.
+Yeah... real.
+Well, it looks good... and it sounds pretty too.
+Thanks. I'll see you later.
+Nice work, Lisa.
+I'm here for a while and I don't really know anyone. Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?
+A woman askin' a man out? Well, well why not. And maybe I'll eat my steak with a spoon.
+Call me. I'm staying at the Springfield's Four Seasons. Ask for "Zelda Fitzgerald."
+What the...? That's a pseu-diddily-eudonym.
+WELL I'VE GOT A DATE WITH A GIRL WITH NO NAME / IT SURE FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK IN THE GAME / AT DESSERT MAYBE I CAN ASK HER HER NAME / 'CAUSE I CAN'T PRAY FOR HER WITHOUT THE RIGHT NAME...
+I've got a date with a movie star?!
+Sure you do. And I'm goin' apple pickin' with Scooby Doo.
+Psst! Homer!
+Flanders?! Can't a man just drink alone on a Wednesday morning?
+I need your advice. It's about a lady.
+Ooh! Lemme guess. Skinner's mother. She sure knows how to swing it.
+No, it's Sara Sloane. I have a date with her tonight.
+Sara Sloane? The movie star?
+Yep. Why would that Twinkie want to go out with a ding dong like me?
+Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time. In Europe they call it a Dinkie.
+Well sir, that's very encouraging but I can't date a movie star. I'm no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett.
+Now wait just a minute -- I used to worry Marge was too good for me. She was always thinking of ways to improve me. But then part of her died and she doesn't try any more. So we're all where we want to be.
+I'm sorry for the disguise, Ned. I just don't want to cause a commotion.
+Excuse me, Miss Sloane. May I have an autograph?
+Oh man, this is going right on ebay. I mean, my wall. Which I will then sell on ebay.
+Sad to say this isn't the worst I get.
+Oh, oh, can I just push this plaster cast onto one of your boobs?
+Okay, now you are the worst.
+... Rod says "Marco," and darn it if Todd doesn't say "Polo" right back! Oh, listen to me just running my gums about my kids. You're probably bored silly.
+No, it's a nice change from all the actors I usually date. All they want to talk about is their Botox, their Tae-Bo or their X-Box.
+Heaven's gate! I'm gonna be tastin' you on my mustache for a week.
+Wanna try for a month?
+Sara Sloane has been involved with every Tinseltown hunk from Affleck to Zmed!
+Yeah, she's had more stars on her than Lisa's homework.
+Now she's dating Mr. Flanders. That's so romantic!
+Who the hell is Mr. Flanders? Oh, Flanders.
+Hello? Yes, I'm Ned Flanders' close personal friend... that's right, hot and heavy... they've never been happier. Oh yes, I she does look pregnant. Now, who might you be? A tabloid? Is that one of those really strong mints? Hello? Hello?
+JESUS IS THE ROCK / THAT ROLLS MY BLUES AWAY / SHOO BE DOO BE / YEAH, SHOO BE DOO BE!
+You guys are jammin'!
+Daddy, she swore.
+You know, I grew up in a house like this. I didn't know there were people like you left in the world.
+Yep, we occupy that useless mass of land between Los Angeles and New York. Called America!
+Ned, I'm not sure you should open the door.
+Oh now, if someone took the time to press that little button, this is the least I can do.
+Are you sleeping with Sara Sloane?
+Is that mustache real?
+Do you plan to kill Sara like your last wife?
+It's the tabloids! Everybody run!
+/ Pose! Pose!
+Your carpeted floor feels good on my toes.
+Let's concoct more lies!
+"Zookeeper's Wife," scene one oh two, take one. Action!
+Kiss me, Diego.
+But your husband's animals are watching.
+Where do you think I learned to do this?
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie's turning into Sponge Bob No-Pants!
+Sir, there's no reason Sara needs to do this scene in the altogether.
+Sam, he's got a point. Katharine Hepburn never showed her breasts.
+There's still time.
+I want a rewrite. With no nudity.
+All right, but you're gonna have to kiss a woman.
+Ned, we won!
+Yep. Now all we gotta do is turn that woman into a fella and that kiss into a game of Scrabble.
+You're so sweet to look out for me. The public may not see me naked, but you just might.
+Well, that's uh, very interesting...
+Easy, Ned. Think of the Bible.
+Ms. Sloane, I loved you in "Sleeping with Pinocchio" and "Honey, I Scotchguarded the Kids".
+Thanks. I grew really close to the actress who played my daughter. I think she's in France or something.
+And Ned, I haven't seen you this happy in years.
+Mm-hmm. I haven't felt this good since we stole the 2000 election.
+Hey, don't blame me, I voted for the green M&M.
+The paparazzi! I thought we fooled them with our Cher-crow.
+Are you aware that your daughter's gay?
+Why, those guys are such leeches.
+Moe, what are you doing here?
+Can't your old buddy Moe stop by with a list of questions from the Weekly World News? Number one: Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak?
+I'll have you know she pays full price for all her watercraft!
+Rainier Wolfcastle!?
+My ex-boyfriend.
+Sara, liebchen, take me back. If tears could burst through my muscular ducts, I would cry like a baby who was just hit by hammer.
+Rainier, you're too jealous. You beat up Jon Lovitz just because he presented me an award.
+Oh c'mon. No one misses a handshake that badly.
+Sorry, I found someone nice who doesn't talk like a freak.
+Exact-a-tically-tacally!
+My libido has been terminated.
+Ned, I've never met a man like you. You're sensitive, you're in great shape, you have a mustache, and yet you're not gay.
+No way! I won't even eat vegetables over two inches long.
+So anyway, uh, your movie's wrapping up soon. I guess you'll be headin' out on the first bus to the airport. If you ride with a friend, you can save twenty bucks!
+Ned, I know this is fast, but, when I go back to Hollywood I want you to come with me.
+Ned Flanders in Tinseltown?
+Ned, I'm James L. Brooks.
+Can I call you Jim?
+James L. Brooks is good. How about some sponge cake?
+Well, I can't see the harm.
+With a brandy glaze.
+Or perhaps you'd like to go to a football game...
+Well, I...
+We don't have a team.
+Hey Daddy, baby. We're movie producers now.
+And we're Jewish.
+Sara, I'm sorry, but I can't move to Hollywood. Heck, even Dollywood's too far out for me. Too many people appreciating it ironically.
+Well, then I'm staying in Springfield with you. For good.
+Forgive my language, but I am one happy camper!
+Dude! What's it like kissing a movie star?
+What's it like kissing a woman?
+Well, what seems to be the problem, officer?
+The problem is I can't seem to get an agent. Could you give your girlfriend my head shot?
+That's me as a greaser, Emperor of China, Eleanor Roosevelt--very regal, and uh just plain me with an eye patch.
+I'll give it to my agent.
+I don't do TV!
+Sure is nice to be shopping for a woman again. The last thing I bought for a lady was a casket.
+Sir, would you ask your sweetheart to sign her autograph for me?
+Well of course. Wait a minute. This is to adopt two of your kids.
+Oh, so it is. I've already dumped three on Mia Farrow. Sucker!
+Look, it's celebrity boy-toy Ned Flanders and his arm candy, Sara Sloane.
+Miss Sloane, how are you handling the change from La-la land to blah-blah land?
+Lisa, Springfield isn't a cultural wasteland. Part of "Stroker Ace" was filmed at our airport. And, um, oh! There's our Ladies' Book Club. Sara, you're more than welcome to come.
+Oh I'd love to.
+Another scoop. Sara Sloane to attend girl-on-girl book club. Moe, you loveable loser, you just made yourself five dollars!
+Today's book is "Bridget Jones' Diary." Now, let's go around the room and analyze why we didn't read it.
+Cramps.
+All my friends are dead.
+Well then, I guess it's time for margaritas!
+Well, I wish someone had read the book, since I did invite the author, Helen Fielding.
+Oh never mind. As long as they all bought the book, I'll still get the money. Besides, most Americans can't understand the sophisticated subtlety of British humour. I bid you good day.
+Hop to it, honey! If we get to the Pops concert early, we can give up our seats to some old people.
+Daddy, where do babies come from?
+Sweetie, that's not the kind of dress you wear outdoors... or indoors... or in a dirty dream.
+Oh, loosen up Honey. This dress just creates the illusion of nudity.
+Well, Siegfried and Roy create a lot of illusions, but I doubt their girlfriends dress like that.
+She should be ashamed!
+That's disgusting. Don't look, Seymour.
+I'm a veteran, Mother.
+A veteran bed wetter!
+Mother!
+Sara, I hate to say it, but your top's upstaging the Pops!
+Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket.
+Sara, I love ya, but I get the feeling you're just... not a Ned-head tonight. Is something wrong?
+Actually, there is something. The time we've spent together has been wonderful, but... I want sex. With you.
+Se... well, that's a mighty big... kettle of... premarital... uh, doodly...
+I knew you'd say that. I need a glass of wine.
+This is quite a dil-diddly-lemma. I better talk this over with the big man.
+Homer, Sara wants us to have S-E-X.
+Stupid Flanders. I'm not giving you any of my secret moves.
+Well, I'm not sure I want to do it. I mean "who'll buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" You know, the cow being me.
+Look, Flanders. I'm always interested in talking about free milk. And if there's cookies involved, so much the better.
+Ned, look. I know I said I wanted this. But I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with.
+Thanks for nothin'.
+Well, I consulted my bible and found some verses supporting what you want to do.
+And a lot of verses against it.
+What does that one say, Ned?
+It says a man should make restitution if he eats his neighbor's grain. And that's good enough for me.
+Wow. Wow. That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban.
+That's what Maude used to say.
+A girl could get used to that.
+Well, and you will. Right after the wedding.
+You want to get married?
+Uh hmm. That's right. I'm like Baskin Robbins. You get one free taste then you gotta buy the scoop.
+Ned, I love you, but I'm not ready to be tied down.
+I love you, too. And I always will. But unlike the Bible, I guess this isn't gonna have a happy ending.
+I'm sorry.
+Oh, darn the luck. That sounds like the Lupus Fun Run.
+Haw haw. Fight lupus!
+Screen siren Sara Sloane shocked tinseltown last night with a midnight marriage to Gosford Park mega-hunk, Bob Balaban.
+This was followed three hours later by a quickie divorce.
+I bet we woulda lasted twice that long.
+Poor Ned, gardening away his misery.
+His answer's not at the bottom of a hedge.
+Hey Hollywood! Call me! My number's on the bench.
+You know it's the darndest thing -- women love you when you've dated a movie star.
+I'm very happy for you, Ned.
+Me too.
+Uh-oh. Here comes Helen Fielding.
+We now return to a very late episode of the Three Stooges, "Brittle Boneheads."
+Take it easy, Moe. He don't have health insurance.
+Take that you, you, uh...!
+Chowderhead?
+Ha, ha. That was my paralyzed side.
+Oh stroke victim, eh?
+Please, Moe. I don't wanna do this no more.
+Get up, Curly Four. Curly Four?!
+I need a quarter for the bus.
+Mmm... promo.
+Ew, Fox!
+Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!
+Nutty fudgkins!
+Do - you - hear - a - noise?
+Why is that jet flying so close to our house?
+Why don't you ask those guys?
+If I stop pedaling, I'll die. But it still beats U.S. Air. The people there don't know how to make a flight.
+They must have moved the flight paths over our house.
+This is a private jet. Why do we gotta watch "The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood"?
+The boss. He's got a thing for the "Ya Yas".
+Why was I born a man?
+Eww! I got Bart's veal!
+I got Lisa's plankton kebabs!
+Marge germs!
+Maggie, give me that!
+How much longer is this going to go on?
+I'm gonna go calm my nerves with a nice relaxing shave.
+Tissues please!
+Get... out of my... airspace!
+Dad, why don't you go to the airport authority and complain?
+I'm on my way. You man the rake.
+This is not a Delta hub!
+Go up to room 915 and ask for form 1790.
+We've already been to room 915. We've already filled out form 1790.
+It was an application to open a Cinnabon stand.
+Look, can you please just tell us why you've changed the flight paths?
+Look, they were changed because it disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals.
+Vote Quimby! Vote Quimby! Vote Quimby! VOTE QUIMBY!
+Without those noisy planes, I can finally hear my kitten purr.
+Thanks a million, Joe. You're the swellest.
+That's your voice?! Now I regret building you that opera house.
+There has to be a solution that pleases everyone. From ducks and trees to yous and mes.
+Are you threatening a government official?
+Good, because we're the government. We make the laws, we print the money, and we breed the super-soldiers. So go home, learn to live with it, pay your taxes and remember, you didn't hear anything about super-soldiers.
+There's the 10:50 from Newark... The 10:52 from Phoenix, connecting from Dallas... The 10:55 from Portland is running late. Again. There it is.
+Homer, we haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks, the dog has eaten all its hair...And the fixtures won't stay in one place.
+I've had this dream before.
+I never thought I would say this, but I think we have to move.
+Stay plugged in! I will find you!
+Now Cookie, do you think you can sell this house?
+Well, it'll be tough, but I can do it. Cookie is number one on the west side.
+But this is the east side.
+Who is this lady?
+Why are you selling your house?
+Occasionally, you might hear a faint roar...
+See, it all works out?
+I'll give you three crayons and my milk.
+It's a good offer. I advise you to take it.
+Make that a chocolate milk and you've got a deal.
+I'm walking away.
+We can't sell the house. We can't live here. What are we going to do?
+Why don't we go to our Congressman?
+That's a great idea. Why didn't you say something before?
+I've been saying it for three weeks! But every time I open my mouth...
+...the shaking's so bad, all my omelets have become frittatas.
+That's the saddest story I've heard in my 75 years of public service. It makes my blood boil and my left arm feel numb. Also, I taste copper.
+Quick! Someone perform CPR.
+I SEE A BAD MOON RISING...
+That's CCR!
+LOOKS LIKE WE'RE IN FOR NASTY WEATHER...
+Congressman Wilcox was laid to rest today. A special election will be held next month to fill his vacant seat.
+I guess there's only one way out of our problems: a murder/suicide pact.
+How can you say that?
+It's just an expression, Marge.
+You're watching Channel Six, Springfield's home of Krusty the Clown. Now on three times a day!
+Because at Channel Six, we got nothin' else!
+Hey, Krusty should run for Congress. He could help us with the airplanes!
+Yeah, and entertainers are always winning elections. Jesse the Body Ventura, Sonny Bono, Gopher from Love Boat, Mary Bono...
+Sure, I'll help you, kid. Take a picture of me and my number one dying fan.
+Have your mom mail back the hat after... you know.
+I'm not dying.
+Yeah, that's the spirit. Keep fightin'. Where's my Chai latte?
+Krusty, we need you to run for Congress.
+Congress? But I hate the government. They've been on my back like hump on granny.
+IRS, ATF, Immigration...
+Immigration?
+Oh uh, Teeny here is from Brazil. His uncle was the head monkey at the Bureau of Tourism.
+But, if you get elected, you can change all that, and stop those stupid airplanes from flying over my house.
+Yeah, I could even tell the FCC to take a hike. Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air.
+Aw, all the good ones. Hmm, I've never even heard of number nine.
+It's doin' thirteen while she's elevening your five.
+Can I keep this?
+Sure, no twelve off my ass.
+Welcome, fellow Republicans. To start with the old business, Brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.
+All Millard Fillmore Schools are now Ronald Reagans, the Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan...
+And my good friend Frankenstein is now Frankenreagan. Bleh!
+Excellent. Now, to the matter at hand. Who will we put up for young Wilcox's congressional seat?
+Gentlemen, I am your candidate.
+Maybe Bob Dole should run. Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should. Actually, Bob Dole just likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole. Bob Dole.
+We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
+Ooh, ooh -- I'm afraid of success.
+Just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
+Are these indiscretions romantic? Financial? Or Treasonous?
+Russian hooker. You tell me.
+No problem, we'll say you were on a fact finding mission.
+I did find out one fact -- she was a guy!
+Well, if Eddie Murphy can go on to do Dr. Doolittle, I suppose we can make this work. Congratulations, Krusty, you're running for Congress.
+Why don't you pound that sign into your own lawn?
+Eh, I'm still undecided.
+Aie-ya-yai!
+What did I say? What did I say?
+You said you were going to vomit on their mother's graves.
+Oh, so that's why my maid quit.
+Let me say I was the first clown to put a woman in sketches. Miss Bada Boom Boom Boom! She had more acting talent in one boob than most women have in their entire rack.
+Yeah, you with the million dollar gams.
+don't you see? He's pointing out how sexist men can be.
+Yeah. Listen to the tomato with the melons.
+Ooh, three bean salad!
+Sorry, you can't join us. This is a hundred dollar a plate Krusty fundraiser.
+For two hundred you get your picture with me. For a thousand, I can have somebody whacked.
+It's a joke! When you give me that look, it's a joke! I'll have some more salad.
+This is Kent Brockman with a special live report from the headquarters of Krusty opponent John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live? "Penis." Now here's the candidate.
+Krusty is an insensitive boor, unfit for public office! Just take at look at this incredibly offensive sketch from his show.
+I shall now call the roll. France!
+Oh, my cheese, she stinks... no, wait! It's me!
+Jamaica!
+Hey, mon. I call for a "joint" session. This vote is "dreadlocked."
+San Francisco!
+Hello there, Sailor! I'm here and fabulous! Now, I'd like to make a motion.
+You can't judge me by that sketch. It was a different time -- nineteen ninety-eight!
+Those jets keep going lower and lower.
+Krusty, we're desperate here. We need you to turn your campaign around.
+Is it the Jewish thing? 'Cause I can change that. I'm Carlton Witherspoon the third. Where's my five iron?
+Krusty, I don't usually give advice to Republicans, but it would be nice to be on the winning side for once. You have to start making an honest connection with the voters. Talk about how you could help regular families -- like ours.
+Help regular families... make an honest connection...
+Krusty, why did you just drop your pants?
+I needed a joke to go out on.
+Let me tell you all a story: when the network offered me fifty grand a week, I threw my caviar in their face.
+No! Connect!
+Because I was thinking about the American family! One family in particular, who was stepped on by the government and had nowhere else to turn.
+Bo-ring!
+I'm talking about the Simpsons.
+Let him speak!
+Well, you know what? I'll never stop fighting for them. Or for any other family that needs someone to stand up for them.
+I like that clown. He's really lookin' out for me, the average Joe Six-tooth.
+Where'd you get your-self another tooth?
+Sidewalk.
+If you send me to Washington, you'll all have a voice. A voice that will go
+Krus-ty! Krus-ty!
+People, tell me your problems -- I'll fix 'em all!
+The government wants to shut me down 'cause the pipes under my toilet don't lead nowhere.
+Elect me and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow!
+Now, I gotta go. Don't forget to vote! And watch out for the six-twelve.
+Welcome to Fox News: your voice for evil.
+Tonight we'll be interviewing the top two candidates for Springfield's 24th Congressional District. For the Republicans, beloved children's entertainer, Krusty the clown...and for the Democrats, this guy.
+I have a name!
+Yes, I'm sure you do, comrade. I do appreciate your being here. You're usually so mired in sleaze, it must be an effort to come down to the studio.
+May I say something?
+Certainly, Congressman.
+He hasn't won yet!
+You make a very adulterous point. We will now conclude this debate with a Krusty Kampaign commercial.
+WHEN A MAN LOVES HIS COUNTRY / LIKE KRUSTY LOVES AMERICA...
+Krusty the clown: "The Man From Funny."
+I've brought laughter to your homes three days a week, eighteen weeks a year, for twelve of the past twenty-five years. But whenever America has needed me, I've been there.
+Photographs have been modified to include Krusty.
+Election night is so exciting. I'm on pins and needles.
+Krusty, I can't believe you're giving up. I thought you'd make a difference, that's why I voted for you.
+And I'm on Pepto and Xanax. I'm so nervous, I kissed my dog and gave my girlfriend a flea bath. Laugh it up, that joke cost me a thousand bucks!
+We're ready to announce a winner in Springfield's 24th Congressional District. It's Republican candidate, Krusty the Clown.
+I won! I'm a Senator!
+Congressman.
+Whatever.
+I swear to uphold and protect the constitution of these United States... so relax, gun nuts, I can't touch you.
+I'd like to introduce a bill banning air travel over residential areas. Hey, hey!
+What are you, an idiot? Freshman congressman don't introduce squat. Hell, you gotta pee in a bucket 'til your second term.
+But how am I supposed to serve my constituents?
+You can start by scrubbing off some of this Capitol Hill graffiti.
+That's right, you got a lot of work ahead of you.
+Grover Cleveland sucks what?!
+Leave that. Lest we forget.
+Look, someone on this fakakta committee's gotta care about my air traffic bill.
+I'm sorry, congressman, but this is a committee for designing dollar coins no one will use.
+I say we make 'em out of chocolate. Kids eat 'em anyway, why fight it?
+I need some air.
+Do you need some hot air? We congressmen are full of it.
+I blather on for hours. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap...
+There he is. Krusty, we came to see how many campaign promises you've kept.
+Uh, let's see... Did I promise to be a slave to big oil?
+Well then, none.
+Helloooo Scratchy!
+How could you vote? You're only ten.
+This is not about me. Or how many times I voted.
+You said you were gonna get rid of the airplanes over our house. And now they're worse than ever.
+Krusty, you've let everyone down. And even worse, you've let down this sacred document.
+You're right. It's time I made a difference.
+Dad, this is a kid's menu where you help Yogi Bear get to the Washington Monument.
+Stained with the blood of American patriots.
+That's jelly.
+From the unknown toaster.
+I came here for a reason. And I will not be silent until... Hey, where is everybody?
+No one usually shows up unless there's a vote.
+Well then, why are you here?
+I steal stuff when everyone's gone.
+My Christmas shopping's done.
+Poor Krusty.
+We've gotta do something to help him.
+Yeah. And to make things even more suspenseful... our plane leaves in a half hour!
+Excuse me, I think I can help. I've been working in this town for a long time, and well, I know how to get things done.
+Beat it, Waxie.
+No, let's hear him out. He looks a little like Walter Mondale.
+Yeah, looks like. Let's just say I know how a bill becomes law.
+Oh, that's easy. First it's introduced, then it goes to committee, then...
+Wrong! That's wrong! Now I'll show you how things really work around here.
+Sorry, Krusty. But there's no way I'm letting your Airline Rerouting Bill out of committee.
+Congressman, I have a tape here of you using your free-mail privilege to send a get well card to your aunt.
+The Big Bopper... Ritchie Valens... Buddy Holly! Nooo!
+If they hear about this in Modesto, I'm ruined. Maybe I wanted to be caught.
+Now Homer, that Southern Congressman is your biggest obstacle. Your job is to drink him under the table so he misses the vote. You think you can do it?
+Sir, I studied under Ed McMahon!
+How 'bout a drinkin' contest, boy? Right after I vote on the latest bill.
+How 'bout before?
+Hah! You remind me of my high school drinking coach. Now enough talkin'. Let's drink!
+Now your job is to attach Krusty's bill to a more popular bill. One that can't fail.
+The House will now consider the "Flags for Orphans" bill.
+Okay, paperclip, do your stuff.
+Now we just need a distraction.
+You call this a bicameral legislature?
+I say, I say... my groin!
+We will now vote on the Flags for Orphans... and Airline Rerouting Bill? Oh well, it's paper-clipped. Chairman Hayes, any objections?
+Congressman Beauregard?
+I don't wanna fight no Union.
+All in favor!
+Motion carries!
+The system works! I've become enchanted and illusioned with Washington.
+And the reason it worked is because you all did your part.
+But I didn't do anything.
+I just passed a bill in three hours... quit complaining.
+At last those planes are flying where they belong.
+That's right. Over the homes of poor people.
+Nuts to you, Copper!
+You're gonna be just fine.
+So kids, its Valentine's Day, and you know what that means -- you get to stay downstairs watching TV with the sound turned way up.
+What about you and Mom?
+Oh, we'll be upstairs, in the bedroom making love... ly rope ladders in case there's a fire.
+Oh, okay.
+Children, so naïve.
+Who's naïve?
+I didn't say anything. So naïve.
+This is so romantic.
+Oh my darling, nothing is too romantic for you. Have some more liquor.
+That's it, drink up my pretty.
+Thanks for the love tip, "60 Minutes II."
+Mm, funky!
+Hey there, Little Red Riding Hood. I ate your granny and now I'm in the mood for love.
+Homie, I'm sorry... you know I usually bring my A-game to the bedroom... but tonight I just can't throw the heat.
+But it's St. Valentine's Day! God wants us to do it.
+You're so cute when you're begging for sex, but I'm just too tired.
+Well, my special mix tape will get you going.
+Oh, no! That's Maggie's mix tape! Then Maggie must have gotten...
+Shot down on Valentine's Day. That's supposed to be a gimme. Everybody's gettin'some but me.
+Oh glayvin! Oh nice lady android with the true to life floivic.
+Game over.
+Everyone but me.
+Thanks for waking me for the Bookmobile, Terrence!
+Marge doesn't think I'm sexy. What am I supposed to do?
+Suicide, eh?
+That's it! Thank you, outdoor advertising! You saved my marriage -- and not for the first time.
+"Releasing your inner screenplay," "Create an online kennel," ooh, "Strip for your wife!"
+Well I's here to win back Brandine -- she been makin' eyes at that photographer what come to document our squalor.
+Welcome to "How to Strip for Your Wife".
+Dr. Hibbert? You're the teacher?
+Oh yes. I put myself through medical school dancing under the name "Malcolm Sex."
+I pleased the ladies by any means necessary. Now, let's start with a full review of the theory of stripping. Paleosexologists tell us that-- What the hell are you doing?
+Homer, are you already oiled?
+Three coats.
+That oil was for the entire class!
+Homer, take this quarter, call your mother and tell her you're never going to be a stripper.
+Aren't you gonna chuckle?
+There's nothing to chuckle about.
+Nobody loves oily Homer...
+You there, the greasy, naked bald man!
+You know everything about me!
+What would you say if I offered you the secret of true success?
+Wipe me down and sign me up!
+The trick is to blot the oil. Wiping just pushes it around.
+You're preaching to the choir, man.
+Now life is hard. Am I right?
+Wrong! Life is easy -- you suck! You have to take life, you have to grab it by its little bunny ears and get in its face! God, look at you losers! I can read your minds.
+It's pizza's fault I'm fat.
+Oh, I'll stop sucking -- later. C'mere, give me your hand. It's okay.
+Thank you, teacher.
+You see this watch? It's jammed with so many jewels, the hands can't move. What kind of watch do you have?
+Uh, well, I drew it on... See...
+You see that car out there?
+That's a Bentley Mark 12. They gave one to me, one to Steven Spielberg, and then they shot the guy who made it.
+/ I'd hate to be in that union.
+Friends, there's a force that runs through the universe. We used to call that force "God." We now call it "Megatronics: The Forty-eight Tips To Corporate Success."
+Oooh, published by Kinko's!
+Do you want to be the ultimate you?
+Do you want to yodel at the top of the corporate mountain?
+Will you write me a check made out to "cash?"
+God yes!
+Tip one, "Live each day like it was your last."
+I don't wanna die! I'm so young.
+Tip two, "Let nothing stand in your way."
+Listen up, "life obstacles." From now on, nothing's gonna stand in Homer Simpson's way!
+Do your homework!
+Don't do so much homework!
+Learn to talk!
+You, let's love. Now!
+Sounds good to me.
+Go on ahead. I'll just slow you down.
+What's that ruckus?
+It's the sound of a go-getter at work, Marge. Look, I installed a key hook so you'll always know where your keys are.
+Oh, that's so sweet. I was tired of putting my keys in that bowl, like a cave man.
+I finally harnessed the awesome power of the hook. Well, time for work.
+Megatronics Tip twenty: "Make your cubicle into a you-bicle."
+Hmm. What next, Megatronics? "Point out problems at your workplace to your boss. To separate yourself from the herd, just tattle on the cattle. Hm.
+I say "Phantom Menace" sucked more!
+I say "Attack of the Clones" sucked more!
+Uh-oh, that's toxic waste!
+And now to see Mr. Burns for the promotion and raise I've deserved since this morning.
+Mr. Burns, I've made a list of recommendations to improve plant efficiency.
+Oh, have you now? Well huzzah, huzzah. I'll just throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.
+But the book said you would applaud my initiative.
+And what book is that? The Ape Who Wanted A Big Bonus? Stop wasting my time, you corn-fed man-cow.
+Would you mind?
+Yes, sir.
+Ahhh, look at the little eels. Electric eels!
+I didn't know Mr. Burns had an electric eel pond.
+Well, he does. All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals. Mr. Burns has never given me a thumbs up or a "way to be" or a "you go, girl." No, he just steps all over everyone who works for him, taking pleasure in making us feel small.
+Oh, Homie. Don't let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn't take you seriously? Big whoop! Who gives a doodle? Whoopie ding dong doo!
+Thanks for trying, but I'll be at Moe's.
+So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop de doo. Who gives a bibble? Gabba gabba hey!
+I gave Mr. Burns the best years of my life. And how much respect does he give me?
+Slim to bupkus.
+Who's this Burns guy? Somebody you work with?
+Moe, we've been complaining about him every night for eight years.
+Well, if this guy's ridin' your rump, why don't you slap him some payback?
+Revenge? On Mr. Burns?
+Yeah, send him magazine subscriptions he don't want.
+Or give him some face time with sweet lady brick.
+No, I think this calls for something a little more cerebral.
+Wait'll he steps on this flaming bag of... Lisa's college fund?!
+Sir, we could be in real trouble here.
+The government found out you dumped nuclear waste under Lego Land.
+Oh, Smithers. The environmental effects won't be visible for years.
+Talk about your runaway government.
+Sir, for dumping that waste, you could go to jail. And a handsome man like you, I'd hate to see what would happen.
+I wouldn't go to jail. The legal owner of this plant would:
+Canary M. Burns.
+This entire plant is in his name -- so when they come to put C. M. Burns in jail, it's the canary that does the time.
+Sir, can-can you do that?
+Oh yes. Tycoons have been doing it for years. Why, Standard Oil was once owned by a half-eaten breakfast.
+Don't you get it? If you get rid of that bird, Burns is at your mercy.
+Get rid of a bird? No way. Their eyes are so expressive.
+Fool! You've learned absolutely nothing from my one-hour class.
+Homie, what's wrong?
+Why are you looking at me like that?
+I have a plan to get to the top, but I have to do some pretty rotten things to get there. I'm not sure I could look at myself in the mirror, or any highly-polished metal.
+Well, if you don't know the right path to take, you have to be very quiet and listen for that little voice inside that tells you what to do.
+Do it, Dad. You could get a less- crappy car.
+Bart, you can hear us?
+Oh yeah. From my room I can hear everything.
+Me too. The walls are paper-thin.
+And it wouldn't hurt you to put up some curtains.
+This is it, boy. With this bird gone, the plant will be mine for the taking.
+Now fly -- To the Canary Islands!
+Smithers!
+It's an emergency! Maroon alert! Or even vermilion!
+The owner of the plant is gone. All that's left is this little mirror he used to amuse himself.
+Hello, pretty boy. That's quite a beak on you.
+Who wants a kiss? Who wants a kiss?
+Mr. Burns! The Nuclear Regulatory Commission is here for a surprise inspection!
+Good Lord! That canary was supposed to be my pigeon. I need to find a patsy quick!
+Yes, yes, hello. Now, I need to find a patsy.
+You're quite the friendly fellow, but right now I'm looking for a patsy.
+You bumbling fool, I keep telling you I'm looking for a patsy.
+This moon-faced simpleton is continually interrupting my search for a patsy! Hello.
+... Now, a few more details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
+Finally, I would like to add to any nuclear inspectors in the crowd, that the titular head of the power plant is now Mr. Homer J. Simpson.
+That's right. And as my first act... Mr. Burns, you're fired!
+That man's mad. Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist!
+No, it's entirely within my power. Furthermore, there never were any nuclear inspectors. Check and mate. Now, king me!
+So, the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon as a shark with a gun for a mouth. I only have one thing to say to that... bravo.
+We clashed lances on the Champs de Mars, and I have been bested. The plant is yours. Treat her well.
+Mr. Burns?
+Eat crowd, old man!
+HEY-EY-EY, GOODBYE!
+Hey, that looks fun! Do me!
+Homer! Homer! Homer!
+Mr. Burns' reign of terror is over.
+And today begins my reign of terr--
+... iffic management!
+I thought he was gonna say "terror."
+Oh, I don't think he was going that way.
+Unlike Mr. Burns, I will respect you, the working class slob, because we are all equals. And now, as I ascend this crystal staircase to my office, I say: avert your gaze!
+That is so cool. Bart, open the door.
+Now, open it again and put a walnut in there.
+Dad, please. You're the head of a major corporation.
+You're right. Put two walnuts in there.
+Dad, have you looked at this earnings report?
+Sweetie, these things are gonna take time. I just found the door-shutting thing.
+Oh! Oh, yeah.
+Well, now that I'm forcibly retired, I feel I should give back to society and do some charitable work. But first, I want to take a lot of opium.
+If you say so, sir.
+Um, excuse me, do you know where I can buy some... drugs?
+Drugs? Everything is drugs! Banana made of drugs.
+Monkey made of drugs.
+Look! All market made of drugs!
+I'd like to buy this.
+Only American money. Our money is made of drugs.
+To make this plant economically viable, you've gotta lay off a hundred and twelve people.
+If you don't patch the leak in cooling tower two, you will go to jail.
+I need a vacation.
+This is your vacation.
+Can't I water ski a little bit?
+Homer I'll go over the year-end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
+No deal!
+I got a gold star at school today, for my exposé on toxins in gold-star adhesive.
+That's great, honey. Hold it up to the camera.
+Homie, I know you've got a lot of work to do. But this really isn't the same as eating dinner with your family.
+Look, there's nothing more important to me than you guys. I f...
+...best quality pork chops.
+Dad, this just isn't working.
+Lisa, I deeply resent...with a big bowl of applesauce.
+Hey Dad, you said you were gonna play catch with me tonight.
+Well, I have to work, but give the monitor a kiss.
+I don't wanna do that.
+C'mon, boy. You're not too old to kiss your daddy's monitor.
+Hey! That's a printer port, not a finger hole.
+Hey, honey. Sorry I'm so late. I had to lay off twenty-seven robots. Don't tell me they can't cry.
+Check it out! I'm Tomokaz Ohka of the Montreal Expos.
+Oh, yeah? Well I'm Estaban Yan of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
+And I'm the man at the ballpark everyone hates.
+The Umpire?
+No, Billy Crystal.
+Bart's growing up without me. He won't be ten forever.
+Knock, knock.
+Mr. Burns! Where's Mr. Smithers?
+He's doing eighty years on an opium bust. I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.
+How did you ever run this place? You've gotta turn away your family, fire your friends, work until the wee hours of the afternoon...
+Simpson, I worked here for three-score and twain. That's sixty-two years in the "New English". Now, come with me, I want to show you something.
+These are the people in my life I could never find time for because I was too busy working.
+This was my fiancée, Gertrude. I was working so hard I missed our wedding, our honeymoon and our divorce proceedings. She died of loneliness. Loneliness and rabies.
+Do you see why I brought you here, Simpson?
+Does it bother you that Krusty uses mad-cow beef to save money?
+Yes, yes. If I keep putting work first, I'll lose everyone I care about, just like you did.
+Thank you, Mr. Burns. Thank you for... huh?
+Steal my plant will you? By the time you wake up, you'll be walled inside my mausoleum forever!
+What are you doin'?
+Scream all you like, no one will hear you!
+I don't know why you're trying to steal the plant back. I don't even want it.
+Keep begging. You're just wasting precious oxygen!
+Brick by brick, I seal his doom.
+There you go.
+Hey Dad, pitch to me!
+From now on, my only ambition is to be the world's greatest Dad.
+Hey! You nearly hit me on the head!
+Quit crowding the plate!
+Oh, you want a piece of me?
+Y'see? This is the stuff Mom won't do with me.
+Ow! Ow! He bit me! You saw him! He bit me! You little...
+Before we begin, children, may I remind you the school computers are not to be used to access PrincipalSkinnerStinks.com, Skinnersucks.org or Shavedskinner.edu.
+He didn't say anything about Skinner-in-a-shredder.com.
+Let's make this the best year ever.
+Now today we have a special guest: a documentary filmmaker whose works include "Lost Luggage, Shattered Lives," and "Upskirt Dreams." Please welcome Declan Desmond.
+Thank you. Now, when you think of documentaries you probably think of the Maysles brothers and Barbara Koppel.
+Well, they're not good enough to wipe my lens. Here's a look at my work. A film I made about Krustyburger... "Do You Want Lies With That?"
+And what's that?
+No, because they pass the savings onto me, the consumer.
+Aren't you ashamed to lend your likeness to sub-standard food?
+Look, I give people a meat-like burger and some kind of cola, and they still get change back from their fifty.
+Well, your customers may be shocked...by my footage of you...stapling together abandoned, half-eaten burgers.
+Good as new.
+Powerful work. And now he's going to make a documentary about Springfield Elementary, which I assume will be glowing and positive, unlike all of his other work.
+Right. Now everyone, while I'm filming, please be yourselves. I want to see troubled children brooding, bullies doling out "what-for."
+What about us cool kids? Should we just "chill out"?
+You're doing great.
+Stay with the dink.
+America is supposed to be a democracy, but in the schoolyard, cool rules. And Springfield's Machiavelli of the monkey bars is one Bartholomew Simpson.
+On today's royal agenda, digging up dirt clods to throw at his school chums.
+I chuck 'em at nerds, girls I like, whatever.
+Munch mud, Simpson!
+I'm telling! Oh, man.
+And in a flash, Bart's glory has gone the way of England's masculinity.
+It's a dangerous life being a hall monitor. When you leave home in the morning, you may be kissing your dolls goodbye for the last time.
+My sash says "Ultraman!"
+I think we've seen enough.
+Why look, it's typical student Lisa Simpson.
+Indeed.
+I'm gonna die alone.
+Hitting it off already! I haven't seen such a natural pair since half-sandwich and soup of the day.
+I'll just leave you two alone. Remember, as far as he knows, we still teach math.
+Why, whatever do you mean?
+Huh? Wha? Go Aberdeen!
+Hey, you can't blame Principal Skinner for wanting to feature his best student.
+And that's you?
+Well, I am young, gifted and yellow. My interests include music, science, justice, animals, shapes, feelings...
+Hey, that's not gonna happen!
+Lisa, I'm afraid you're a dilettante. Pick a path and follow it, or you'll just grow up, slog your way through Mount Holyoke and squeeze out babies.
+Stop it!
+Since Nelson nailed you with that dirt, no one thinks you're cool anymore. Even that kid that wears diapers is more popular. And he ain't popular.
+So? I'll bounce back. I always bounce back -- like after the time I accidentally called the teacher "Mom".
+Even I beat you up that day. After you passed out.
+What's that hood ornament doing around your neck?
+I snapped it off some jerk's car. I could go to prison for life, but, whatever.
+The only way to be cooler than him is to do exactly what he does. I've gotta steal me a hood ornament! But how?
+Nelson steals a hood ornament and now he's king of the school. All that's left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town's ever seen.
+Talking won't get you there.
+Lisa, what's bumming you out? They cancel a test or something?
+Dad, my life lacks direction!
+It's a concern. A serious concern.
+Hey, I never chose a path. And because I kept my options open, I can finally do what I want.
+I gotta pick a career! Gotta pick a career!
+I can find a good career at this museum. Or at lease see if they fixed that mislabeled raccoon I complained about.
+Hmm, maybe I could be an expert on dinosaurs.
+Don't do it, little girl.
+I spent thirty years brushing the teeth of dead monsters.
+Maybe geology...
+Formed by unimaginable heat and pressure deep inside the earth, minerals explode in a vast panoply of... Eh.
+Since the dawn of time, travelers looking for guidance have turned to the heavens.
+Polaris, the star of the north... Mighty Orion's Belt...
+The majestic Milky Way, home of a familiar blue planet we call... Rigel Seven. Not too far from Earth.
+We have only scratched the surface of the universe. Who will discover the wonders that lie beyond our galaxy? Will it be you... or you...or you?
+That's it! Lisa Simpson, astronomer!
+Now who will press my reset button? Will it be you... or you... or you?
+Oh Dad, look at this one!
+Sweetie, Daddy doesn't have enough money for that...unless they take a check.
+We certainly do.
+Boi-oi-oi-oinggg!
+Why did you say that? Is your check gonna bounce?
+No, of course not!
+Duh-uh.
+Why did you say that? Are you implying that I'm dumb?
+I have to go.
+Oh my God! Space monsters are invading us!
+Dad, that's a moth.
+Oh. Well, where do I twist this thing to make funny patterns?
+Dad, that's a kaleidoscope.
+You may be a smart kid, Lisa, but you don't know much about not hurting people's feelings.
+What happened?
+Thanks a lot, surviving Beach Boys.
+Okay, Jupiter should be somewhere around here...
+For three seconds there, you were legally the mayor.
+Yeah. And you was a girl, Joe.
+What you are seeing is light pollution. Light pollution. For astronomers like me, this is a bigger problem, even, than oh I don't know say, getting a date which is difficult for the geeky people.
+We've got to do something. I know --maybe we can get people to sign a petition.
+I'd like to help, I would. but if I leave this observatory, another astronomer will move right in. They're like hermit crabs. They really are. Oh, there's one now.
+I see you!
+You said he was out of microscopes!
+Hey, check out this hood ornament I stole.
+With this glinting gewgaw, the beta male attempts to reclaim leadership of his herd. Ooh, that's good narration.
+That's not a hood ornament. It's a pacifier you spray-painted silver.
+Haw haw. Wait, that's not right.
+Haw haw!
+Oh look, it's Jill of All Trades. So, what's the ambition du jour?
+I'm collecting signatures to bring back the night sky.
+Wow, the night sky. How'd you come up with that, tilt your head up?
+Does it make you feel superior to tear down people's dreams?
+Yes. Does it make you feel smart to question people's motives?
+Well all right then.
+Hi, I'm trying to reduce light pollution.
+Chief, we are the entire force.
+Y'arrr, I'd be happy to scrimshaw your petition.
+People of Springfield, I've heard your pleas. Whether you're an idealistic stargazer like Lisa, or a faded Southern belle who needs the forgiving cloak of night to seduce naïve young delivery boys with more pizza than common sense, I say Springfield will be the dimmest city in America.
+Look up at the stars, Springfield! For eons, people have gazed at the skies and seen into their souls.
+Oh, stop.
+Look out, Matthew Modine and Charlene Tilton! There are new stars in town -- sky stars, now visible thanks to Springfield's latest cave-in to the astronomer lobby.
+The best part is, next week we'll get to see the Deadly Meteor Shower.
+Deadly meteor shower?
+Named after its discoverer, Professor Artemis Deadly, who was ironically killed in the shower of 1853.
+The last time those meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire! Naturally, we blamed it on the Irish -- we hanged more than a few!
+Uh-oh -- sounds like some bad eggs are cooking up trouble.
+Mmm... bad eggs.
+This is great! It's darker than a French chick's armpit!
+Every car's been harvested!
+I've got to get that hood ornament. No matter who owns it.
+That bird touched my car. You know what to do.
+You're gonna be drinkin' worms through a straw.
+Springfield's pro-darkness policy has resulted in a spree of vandalism unmatched since the Detroit Tigers last made the playoffs over two centuries ago. The government has issued an orange alert, which, once again, means nothing.
+Time to get that hood's ornament.
+Try-a the cheese-a pizza. It's greasy like-a you.
+You're gonna depreciate a Mafia Don's car?
+Hey, we're all gonna be murdered some day.
+TWO-FOUR-SIX-EIGHT / IT'S TIME TO RE-ILLUMINATE!
+Mr. Mayor, you can't flip-flop on this! We'll miss the meteor shower.
+I don't know how you keep getting past security.
+Thank you Fat Tony. Thank you. But at the risk of enraging you by making you look a-stupid, we have no valet parking.
+You mean -- that ten-year-old with a mustache was a phony?!
+You know Bart, I really like spending time with you.
+Just hold the light.
+I can't see nuttin'.
+Let's fire blindly into the dark.
+No -- you might hit a made man.
+They want light? By God, they'll get light.
+End of the line.
+Hey, you're not John Ritter!
+And you ain't that gorilla from the zoo!
+Okay you filthy booze-bags, it's two a.m. So uh, who's the designated driver?
+It was Andy.
+No one's ever won Moe's "Drink A Gallon Of Gin Challenge." And no one ever will.
+Ah, life is good.
+Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night.
+You know what this reminds me of? My Icelandic boyhood.
+Okay, we've gotta start recruiting, Lou.
+Hey Mr. Smithers!
+It's this new anti-crime dealie. The mayor turned the streetlights way up. My daughter Lisa feels really strongly about it.
+Pro or con?
+I'unno. What am I, Superdad?
+Boy, this light has really screwed up the animals.
+I'll bet somewhere there's a horse drinking coffee.
+Live from New York it's Saturday Night!
+Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine?
+Forget it Bart -- it's so bright out, you can't see anything in the sky except the Fox satellite.
+No Lis, I've got my eyes on the prize: the hood ornament I desperately want. For reasons I can no longer remember. The only thing stopping me is those lights.
+Bart, I just realized -- we both want the same thing: darkness. And we can get it if we work together, with my brain and your... your... assistance.
+You can say it. I add nothing.
+You can't have lights without power, and all the power comes from here.
+How'd you get Dad to go along with this?
+In his sleep deprived state, he's very suggestible. Okay Dad, you are now playing patty-cake with Maggie.
+Palm recognized. Access granted!
+Aw... my baby's first words.
+Now we merely push this switch to "Overload." Yet once we do, we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so...
+But Gandhi also said "less talk, more rock"!
+Uh-oh. All the lights are out. We'd better get the entire force workin' on this.
+Ach, look at all those shards of glass. I'll catch 'em on my tongue for luck.
+It worked -- I got my sky back! Dad, look!
+Night... glorious night...
+There they are! / They stole our light.
+I can't read porno by candlelight! Who am I? Abe Lincoln?
+I say tear them limb from limb!
+It's so beautiful!
+I'm not angry anymore.
+Whoa, I don't need drugs to enjoy this. Just to enhance it.
+I wish Jimmy the Snitch could see this.
+Well just open the trunk!
+And I thought this was gonna be a bad night.
+Oh great glayvin in a glad-bag! That meteor contains carbon-based molecules. I may be able to prove the existence of life in outer space.
+Shut up.
+This is even better than our screensaver. And I love our screensaver. Nicely done, Lisa.
+Thanks, Mom.
+I wish God were alive to see this.
+American Boneheads: A Day in the Life of Springfield Elementary.
+Where do you think you will be in seven years?
+I'm gonna live with underground Gramma.
+I'm gonna go to a two-year technical school, then work in a garage.
+Sellout! / Yuppie! / Soccer mom!
+I'll be batting three fifty-two in the majors.
+Did you get that, Simon?
+Brilliant. Right, let's go to Moe's.
+I wonder what Mom came up with for this week's 'Family Wednesday.'
+I hope it's as fun as Pictionary was last week.
+Dad, we weren't playing Pictionary -- that was an intervention to stop your drinking.
+What? Are you sure?
+Oh, that takes me back.
+Here it is, this week's family activity.
+Oh, a jigsaw puzzle...
+Concert in Golden Gate Park.
+Ages eight to eighty.
+We know when we're not wanted.
+The box says it's the perfect way to spend a day. And why would a box lie to a person?
+The first step is the funnest -- turning all the pieces face up.
+Go crazy, dorks. I got better things to do.
+Hey Bart, I fixed my rock tumbler. What do you say we turn this baby loose on some feldspar?
+I'm in.
+Oh, I hate this. It's making me use my arms.
+Hey! These two pieces were already connected -- we're halfway there!
+Does anyone have any swan heads? I've got nothing but necks.
+Can't help you -- all I got is gray. Anybody working on a cement wall?
+Turn it over, Homer.
+Oh, right. Chinese guy, Chinese guy, frisbee dog...
+Ooh, look how late it is. Let's get you kids some coffee.
+Homer, no scissors!
+It's how the pros do it.
+Sky, sky, sky with building, grass, grass with foot.
+Haw-haw. Bart's so poor he has to eat cardboard.
+What are you eating?
+Drywall.
+Hey, kids. Uh, we're worried about your Dad. He ain't been to work for a week.
+What's he doin' now? Hey, is he a rodeo clown?
+Is he Poochie again?
+He's working on a jigsaw puzzle.
+Oh, I guess he's done with all the fun stuff.
+Now let's see. This is either an old coconut... or Tom Hayden.
+Gee, Homer, that's super. But uh, have you thought about comin' back to work?
+Hey Homer, what's with the deranged look?
+Ow, my eye! I'm not supposed to get jigs in it!
+I can't believe our family finished a project this complicated.
+It's the only worthwhile thing I ever made that wasn't Lisa.
+Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.
+Ooh, that's quite a thing-a-ma-jigsaw. But it looks like you're missin' a piece.
+Looks like you're missing a wife.
+I walked right into that one.
+He's right, Dad. We're missing that singer's head!
+This awful. It's like listening to Schubert's unfinished symphony!
+Or when I messed up taping "City Slickers 2" and cut off the end. Was Curly's gold just a legend?
+Or like when... I got nothin'. Uh, let's just find that piece.
+Hey, remember that pet gerbil we used to have? He didn't run away after all.
+Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay.
+Hey, what's this? "Marge's Memory Chest."
+Aww, Marge saved all this stuff from when we were going out. The fake business card I made up to impress her...
+T-shirt from our first rock concert...
+"Moe's Tavern Grand Opening..." That was back when his floors were sticky with promise.
+Welcome to Moe's. Home of the finest bar crystal in Springfield.
+I shouldn't have cheaped out on the shelf.
+I can't believe how young we looked... in my memory.
+Hey, there's writing on the back of this.
+"Dear Homer, I can't believe you're making this the worst night of my life."
+Young man, you've ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol.
+The only dangerous amount is none!
+Let's go to IHOP! I'm drivin'.
+Okay, Burger King! Whatever! C'mon.
+Why did she stay with me if she hated me so much? Hey, two days later she had a doctor's appointment.
+"Nausea... cravings... knocked-up feeling... She was pregnant with Bart! And that's the reason she stayed with me.,nausea cravings knocked-up feeling she was pregnant with bart and thats the reason she stayed with me,17
+88908,308,86,Marge Simpson: I found the missing puzzle piece. It was under Maggie's eyelid!,401000,true,1,15,Marge Simpson,Moe's Tavern,I found the missing puzzle piece. It was under Maggie's eyelid!,i found the missing puzzle piece it was under maggies eyelid,11
+88909,308,87,Homer Simpson: (FLAT) How 'bout that?,406000,true,2,15,Homer Simpson,Moe's Tavern,How 'bout that?,how bout that,3
+88910,308,88,Marge Simpson: It's James Taylor!,407000,true,1,15,Marge Simpson,Moe's Tavern,It's James Taylor!,its james taylor,3
+88911,308,89,"Homer Simpson: (FLATLY) Oh
+You leave me sitting here all alone...
+...while you play video games with your Neanderthal friends.
+Why don't you just stop playing?
+Homer, I really don't want to feed you.
+Video games and too much beer. You sure know how to show a girl a good time.
+Tonight I learned the two of us can't work.
+James Taylor. Homie, remember that song we used to sing?
+MOCK...
+BIRD...
+Whatever.
+Homie, what's wrong?
+Marge... did I ruin your life?
+Oh, is this about that billboard my sisters put up?
+No, the voters will decide that in November. I was talking about this.
+Oh my God, I forgot all about this. Where did you find it?
+More like, where didn't I find it. It was practically everywhere.
+Homer, I'm sorry you saw that, but I was very upset that night.
+Quit changing the subject. How do you feel about me right now?
+Well, I love you, of course. But a lot of things you do still drive me crazy.
+So you mean our whole marriage you've just been resenting me behind my back?
+A little bit, yeah.
+Fine. I'll go sleep with someone who does appreciate me.
+Oh. Time to repress another memory.
+I-am-at-Disneyland.
+Disneyland!
+You made your own breakfast?
+Looks like you had a problem with those scrambled eggs.
+That was a muffin!
+I'll fix you something.
+Oh, I get it. Your stupid husband is too "drunk" to do it right.
+Well, there are a lot of beer cans around here.
+Oh, so you don't like it when I drink. What other secrets have you been hoarding to use against me?
+Homer, let it go. It's not always going to be perfect. We've been married for ten years.
+Oh, I didn't realize you've been counting the years. Is it that horrible living with me?
+Well this morning isn't a barrel of laughs.
+It is to me! Marge, I can't live like this! I'm tired of walking around on eggshells.
+Maybe if you didn't throw 'em on the floor...
+Now you're just making up rules. Who made you Judge Judy and executioner?
+Dad, where are you going?
+Kids, sometimes when a daddy learns that a mommy always hated him, he needs some time away to think.
+But you're not gonna get divorced like Milhouse's parents, are you?
+No, no. This is nothing like Milhouse's parents. Now if you need me I'll be staying with Milhouse's father.
+Welcome to my place. I just have a few rules. If you see a necktie on the doorknob, I'm with a lady.
+You don't have a doorknob.
+I don't have a tie, either. Just go label your food.
+Oh, Luann. Luann!
+Arlene!
+Do I dare to go up? Or is the love that waits behind that window just a lie?
+Uh, Homer, I think you want your house, next door.
+Stupid Flanders with his misleading silhouette. Well, I guess I have no choice but to go back home and... hey, I never noticed that newspaper box.
+"Apartment Finder: We put you in your place." "Roommate wanted for three bedroom apartment. Spacious, river view, only four hundred dollars a month!" Thank you, news box... It's gone!
+All right, I got me a place to put my spiders.
+What a well-kept street. And there sure are a lot of gay bookstores for a straight neighborhood.
+It's a cinch these guys never had any kids.
+Hello, Simpson.
+What's the deal with this place? It's so manly, yet scented.
+Uh, yes, I seem to have gotten lost on my way to the uh, the uh, the big auto uh, racing... festival. So, I've never been here before.
+Hey Waylon!
+Who's the bear?
+Ooh, is that the Mr. Burns you're always talking about?
+No. He's nobody! Shut up, Stuart!
+Nice to meet you, Stuart.
+Homer, before you move in, you should know that Julio and I have an active social life.
+Me too. I'm a member of this club where if I eat one more sub sandwich, I get a free sub sandwich. You probably saw the ads, with this guy who used to be fat, but now he's just ugly.
+Homer, what Grady is saying is that, how can I put this? We might have a cocktails, say, where all the guests are male.
+Are you trying to tell me that you guys are those guys that like guys?
+That's right, Homer. We're gay.
+You are? Hm, which will win out? My old-fashioned prejudices or the fact that I've already mixed my laundry with yours. I'll have to sleep on it.
+He's sleeping in the pantry.
+My spices!
+You guys lead a fascinating life. Like, why are you reading the New York Times? You don't live in New York.
+I despise the Springfield Shopper. What is that? All the headlines are jokes.
+Uch, where'd you buy this? From the guy on the exit ramp? This is disgusting.
+Calm down, Picky Ricardo. He made us a great breakfast, and you're just ridin' his butt... and not in a good way.
+Thank you, Homer. It's a pleasure cooking for you.
+Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm gonna stay.
+Fabulous! Here's the key to the lotion cabinet.
+Grady, are you sure you want to live with him?
+It's either him or that girl who put "Mother Earth" as a reference. And with a male roommate, we can walk around naked.
+Way ahead of you.
+Don't worry, sweetie. Your father won't stay mad forever.
+It's so weird not having Dad here. I can't fall asleep if I haven't read him his bedtime story.
+Hello... hold on.
+"Nancy Drew let out a low whistle. 'This isn't an old windmill at all. It's a new windmill!'" No Dad, I'm sure she won't be killed.
+That will be one hundred dollars.
+Dad took us antiquing!
+Yeah, and along the way we took photos of interesting doors and gates.
+Your father sure can be thoughtful when he wants to be.
+Marge, please. Let's not fight in front of the kids. Just secretly hate me the way you always have.
+Hey, I love watching you guys fight. It's my earliest memory.
+Why you little...!
+Dad, your hands feel so soft.
+You noticed! I've been using Lancôme.
+Oh, it shows! I haven't had a strangle that smooth since I was four.
+Well, I'd better go. But before I do, Marge, there's something I want to ask you.
+Yes, Homie?
+How much do you tip a leg waxer? I need to know by tomorrow!
+Just go. And take your stupid Lhasa Apso with you.
+Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don't you just say you're sorry?
+Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing. But it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I can't apologize.
+Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time. I don't think I've ever meant it.
+Bart! That's not right.
+Sorry, Mom. See, it's that easy!
+So, how was your visit home?
+The kids are cool, but Marge is still judging me.
+So, it's over between you two.
+Maybe it is. I used to look at Marge and get the same tingle you guys get when you see Rip Taylor. But now, I don't know what's gonna happen. C'mon, let's dance.
+Homer! Homer! Yeah! Get it on! Shake your bon bon!
+I didn't think it was possible, but watching him makes me more lesbian!
+Lesbian? This isn't my army reunion.
+You're coming home with me!
+Yes, Colonel.
+He's gay. He's gay. Gay. Gay. Bi. Gay. Gay for pay. Gay.
+Tennessee Williams?! But how did he survive in the world of theater?
+Homer, please. Practically everyone who's acted in, produced or even seen a play is gay.
+Uh Homer, I think you should see this.
+Homie, I tried to tell you how I feel, but I can't find the right words. Maybe he can.
+Weird Al Yankovic!
+Homer, Marge wrote me about what happened. And as soon as her check cleared, I was on the first reasonably-priced flight here.
+Did you ever get the parody songs I sent you?
+Which one was better: "Livin' La Pizza Loca" or "Another One Bites The Crust"?
+They were pretty much the same, Homer.
+Yeah, like you and Allan Sherman.
+Now here's a song I wrote for you. A LITTLE DITTY 'BOUT HOMER AND MARGE / HER HEART WAS AS BIG AS HIS STOMACH WAS LARGE / OH YEAH, THEY SAY LOVE GOES ON / LONG AFTER THE GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH IS GONE.
+It would take a man of stone with a funny bone of steel to resist that.
+Homer, would you at least let me take you out on a date?
+I don't know... date a chick with kids...
+All right, all right.
+Thanks, Julio. I love you as a blonde.
+Oh, you do? Oh God, Lisa, if I was an eight-year-old straight boy, I swear to God I would so be holding your hand right now.
+Wait a minute... Marge likes a little bit of stubble.
+Uh-oh. Gotta even it out.
+Somebody's nervous.
+Well, we've got the cure for that. Margaritas!
+Margarita... that's Mexican for Marge. I'll take that as a sign!
+Who dares challenge ye Black Knight? Step forward if ye be free of lower back pain, heart conditions, and pregnancy.
+And please turn off thy cell phones and pagers.
+I've learned a lot living here. It doesn't matter what someone's sexual preferences are, unless they're a celebrity, in which case it's dish, dish, dish!
+Homer, weren't you supposed to meet your wife half an hour ago?
+You guys don't have a gay time machine, do you?
+Yes. It's called Grady's shoe closet.
+Hey, Julio: ouch.
+I gotta go.
+Now, for ye knights' and wenches' delectation, I have some royal proclamations.
+We welcome Cub Scout troop number 102, we wish a happy birthday to Karen, and congratulations to Marge and Homer Simpson on their reconciliation dinner.
+Sorry I'm late -- the Velvet Mafia made me a Margarita I couldn't refuse.
+Goodbye, Homer! I try to save our marriage, and you just get drunk and spend the whole night with your homosexual boyfriends!
+Reverend Lovejoy, Mrs. Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Duffman.
+Fact is, certain people just aren't right for each other. You gave it a chance, it didn't work. At least you tried.
+That's better.
+But it was Marge. My first and only love. I'm like David Spade without Chris Farley, alone and useless!
+Oh Homer, a guy as cool and special as you will have no trouble. Believe me.
+Wow. Wow. I never realized you felt about me that way. We should really take some time to talk and...I'd just end up hurting you!
+You know, Moe, I was just thinking. My problems with Marge started because I drink too much. And then tonight alcohol only made things worse. Maybe all of my problems are actually caused by...
+Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take your medicine, ya lush ya.
+Hey, what happened here?
+Uh, he was drinkin' at Harrigan's Bar down the street, there. They oughtta close that dump down.
+That was a close call. We took this much out of you.
+But it's still not as bad as the first time I treated you for alcohol poisoning.
+Oh, yeah. The night that destroyed my marriage.
+Destroyed your marriage? Why, I've never seen a woman look so devoted. Let's look at the tape.
+You have that on tape?!
+It was back when I thought the nurse was stealing sponges.
+He's stable now. I'll leave you two alone.
+So, she didn't hate me. She married me because she loved me!
+And I still do.
+Marge, I never want to be apart from you again.
+Well, you'll never have to.
+That is the best kiss I've had tonight.
+Homie, what are you thinking?
+Manly thoughts.
+Didst thou hear that, Isaac?
+Or was it?
+All I have left now are my tapes.
+She was stealing sponges. I knew it!
+THAT'S OUR STORY / 'BOUT HOMER AND MARGE / TWO FOLKS I HELPED OUT / FOR A NOMINAL CHARGE. / AFTER HOMER WENT GAY / THEY PATCHED UP THEIR SCHISM / BUT THE DUDE NEVER DEALT WITH / HIS ALCOHOLISM. / WEIRD AL SAY: / OH, YEAH, / THE CREDITS GO ON / LONG AFTER THE VIEWERS' / INTEREST IS GONE. / WHOA, YEAH, / WEIRD AL HAD FUN ON THIS SHOW / EVEN IF IT WAS JUST A BRIEF CAMEO.
+SILVER BELLS, SILVER BELLS...
+...IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME IN THE CITY...
+That is like, so moving. Yo family, isn't that beautiful?
+...WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND.
+Exquisite, just exquisite. Makes me wish I hadn't released the hounds.
+Should I call them off, sir?
+No, no. It's their Christmas too.
+HAVA-NICE CHRISTMAS, HAVA-NICE CHRISTMAS, HAVA-NICE CHRISTMAS...NON-CHRISTIAN FRIEND...
+That's even worse than "I'm Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas."
+For this I tied my bathrobe?
+JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING / RING-TING-TINGLING TOO...
+Cease and desist! You are forbidden to perform that song without paying royalties to the copyright owner.
+Nobody owns Christmas Carols. They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store!
+Not true! But you are welcome to sing the many beloved public domain carols such as O Tannenbaum, Good King Wenceslas, Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring--
+Those suck. They're worse than nothing. I could write way better songs.
+Go ahead. But don't use A-flat or G-natural. Those notes are owned by Disney.
+That's A-flat.
+That's it, I'm writing a Christmas carol. If I can make my own clothes, I can do anything.
+CHRISTMAS IN DECEMBER / WOW WOW WOW / GIVE ME TONS OF PRESENTS / NOW NOW NOW!
+Hey Homer, writing a new Christmas carol?
+Well, the Bible says it's fun to do stuff together.
+THERE'S A STRANGER IN THE MANGER AND HIS NAME IS LOVE Take it, Homer!
+Oh, I got it -- you want me to stay out here and work on the chorus.
+Flanders, I am a patient, reasonable, handsome man. But even I have my limits. Now beat it!
+Why thank you, Homer. It's a popsicle in my favorite flavor -- plain.
+How am I supposed to write a song with that stupid jerk bothering me all the time... Wait a minute...
+EVERYBODY IN THE USA / HATES THEIR STUPID NEIGHBOR / HE'S FLANDERS AND HE'S REALLY REALLY LAME / FLANDERS TRIED TO WRECK MY SONG / HIS VIEWS ON BIRTH CONTROL ARE WRONG / I HATE HIS GUTS AND FLANDERS IS HIS NAME.
+F-L-A-N-R-D-S!
+HE'S THE MAN THAT I HATE BEST / I'D LIKE TO SEE HIS HOUSE GO UP IN FLAME!
+Excuse me, I've been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield, and I couldn't help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song.
+David Byrne?!
+Singer, artist, composer, director, Talking Head...
+And, I used to wrestle under the name "El Diablo."
+I thought that was Philip Glass.
+Yeah, he wishes.
+Hey, Mister? If you like my song so much, would you like to buy a tape? It's already rewound.
+No thanks. But I would like to sing it with you and produce it.
+His name is Ned!
+Ned's a stupid name! HE'S WORSE THAN FRANKENSTEIN OR DR. NO.
+YOU CAN'T UPSET HIM EVEN SLIGHTLY / HE JUST SMILES AND NODS POLITELY / THEN GOES HOME AND WORSHIPS NIGHTLY / His Leftorium is an Emporium of Woe!
+Don't yell at Ned!
+His wife is dead!
+EVERYBODY HATES THAT STUPID JERK!
+SPRINGFIELD ROCKS WITH HOMER'S JOYOUS LOATHING...
+...FILLING CLUBS WITH ANGRY VALENTINOS...
+YOU DON'T HAVE TO MOVE YOUR FEET / JUST HATE FLANDERS TO THE DISCO BEAT...
+HE'S YOUR PERKY, PEPPY NIGHTMARE NEIGHBORINO!
+IF YOU DESPISE POLITE LEFT-HANDERS...
+THEN I DOUBT YOU'LL LIKE NED FLANDERS / OR HIS CREEPY LITTLE OFFSPRING, ROD AND TODD...
+That's us!
+Hooray!
+His name is Ned!
+He is so white bread!
+THE SMILING, MUSTACHED GEEK WHO WALKS WITH GOD!
+Mass dismissed!
+Hey, what are we gonna wear tomorrow?
+We're half-way through our same song six-pack!
+Now let's hear William Shatner's version of "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders"!
+Another cover? My God, let it die.
+Everybody... in the... USA... hates their... stupid neighbor ... He's the Flanders man... the Flanders man... Flanders!
+I am so sick of that song!
+Me too -- I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.
+Why don't we take a vacation and get away from that song for a while?
+Well, I guess we could afford one nice trip.
+I still think you should have left that at the motel.
+What? It said "take one."
+Balloon ride, wax museum, the Denzel Washington monument, colonial Phoenix, hey, dude ranch!
+And there's no radio or TV, so we won't have to hear your song!
+Or we could go to Walter Gropius's Bauhaus Village?
+And fight the crowds? Forget it. The Simpsons are going to Bart's idea!
+This dude ranch is gonna be great -- a whole week without hearing that stupid song.
+You won't think it's stupid when you hear the extended salsa mix!
+NO NOS GUSTA FLANDERS / ES UN HOMBRE ESTUPIDO / NO NOS GUSTA FLANDERS
+Watch it, Mr. Byrne! You'll slip on the Simonize!
+Simonize?!
+Can you take me to the hospital?
+Yeah. No problem.
+Wasn't that the hospital?
+Uh, ya ever see the movie "Misery?"
+Actually, no.
+Then this'll all be new to ya.
+Welcome to the "Lazy I" ranch, where we give you a week of rustic ranch living.
+Do you have an internet connection?
+Internet? Son, the only internet connection we got is a dedicated DSL port in the business center. Or you can patch in through the smart-fridge in your cabin.
+If said fridge is truly smart, it will be filled with Hot Pockets and baloney by the time I get there. Goodbye.
+"On this battleground in 1881, fifty-six Indians lost their lives and four brave Americans lost their hats."
+Those poor hats.
+This whole ranch is appalling. It's built on a legacy of cruelty to animals and oppression of indigenous people.
+Just our way of making y'all feel welcome!
+You're not listening!
+I never do! Yee-Haw!
+I'll show you how they get on a horse where I come from.
+Daddy, I need upsies!
+Coming, sweetie!
+He sure shut us up.
+I really don't want to do a lot of flip-de-loops.
+No problem. You can hop on the chuck wagon with Cookie here.
+Pleased to meet ya! Have a tooth.
+Hey Crabby Hayes, get with the program!
+I'm sick of this horse slapping and cow taunting! I'm going to my room!
+Hold it right there!
+Momma Rattlesnake would be mighty sore if you scrambled her young'un.
+Luke Stetson, junior wrangler.
+I'm Lisa Simpson and you're the first person I've met here who cares about our animal equals.
+Well, if you like animals, you won't want to disappoint that pony over there. She's just achin' to show you around.
+I'm sure she'd be happier without someone sitting on her back all day.
+I'm sorry you're not interested. Because I need somebody to help me hang these "No Hunting" and "Free Tibet" signs.
+That was a delicious meal, Cookie. What do we do with our garbage?
+Just leave it for Cleanie.
+My preciousss... Gollum....
+Would you like to be photographed in my great-grandfather's headdress? He unified the nations of the western plains. Five dollars, or three for twelve.
+Can you shoot one where I'm Rambo and my wife is Betty Boop?
+You mean "Package B."
+And this is supposed to save our marriage?
+Mom, why are you talking like that?
+I thought you guys lived off the land. How come you're selling junk to jerks like us?
+We used to live and farm in a bountiful valley. Then the river was dammed to make that lake...by our ancient enemy, the beaver.
+Why don't you just chase the beavers away?
+Unfortunately, the beaver is also our God. In retrospect it was a poor choice.
+You people are guests in our country, and the beaver have no right to treat you that way. If I get back your land, will you promise to build a casino on it?
+Sure. And when we do, your breakfast will be comped.
+How many decks will your blackjack dealers use?
+Deal. My brother...
+Oh Luke.
+I didn't gasp like that until I was eighteen!
+All right, son, we just knock over this dam and the noble Native Americans can reclaim the land that is theirs.
+No! I wanted to die choking on food!
+I'll save you!
+So long, suckers!
+Stop shoving! The little one isn't getting any.
+Thanks for making me feel better about this place, Luke.
+Lisa, this here is the New West, where we respect our equine and bovine Americans.
+Uh, well maybe we should just mosey on over this way.
+Free range, my ass! Tonight you're gonna be swimming next to a matzo ball.
+I think maybe we should just look at the clouds. Ain't that pretty.
+Oh, it looks like a happy sheep.
+Oh, dammit!
+Shucks, Lisa. You sure have taken a shine to that cowpoke.
+Don't rightly know. I just soaked up the lingo like a biscuit in a bucket full of gopher gravy. I'll stop now.
+Well, I like it here, too. Luke has shown me the gentle side of the old west. He's really sophisticated for a thirteen-year-old.
+Thir-what year old?!! Lisa, you're only eight.
+But when he's twenty-three, I'll be eighteen.
+Lisa, you don't know what you'll want in the future. I didn't marry the first boy I... well, I did. But you shouldn't!
+Wanna play a little longer? It's only ten and the moon is awful big.
+Well heck, you should see it when it's full.
+Oh no! They're making beautiful music together!
+/ Let's see move that there... do a flanking maneuver there... Wind should be coming in from the south... Time it to coincide with a beaver holiday...
+This map is useless! Useless!
+Homie, I'm worried about how fast our kids are growing up.
+It's the beef hormones and the fluorescent lights. What are you gonna do?
+But they're already acting like teenagers. Lisa's with that boy... and look at Maggie!
+Look, Cookie! There's a dance tonight!
+A dance! A dance!
+Whoo, I'm pooped. I'm goin' to bed. Bed!
+All righty, I'll see you tonight -- and I'll save you the first dance. Love you too, Clara.
+Clara?! He's got a girlfriend! I feel like such an idiot.
+Hey, bottom bunk's mine.
+Keep goin'.
+I can't believe Luke has another gal. "My name is Clara... I've known Luke for more than five days..."
+Excuse me, is this the way to the Lazy I Ranch?
+Yeah, it sure is...
+...But a quicker way to the ranch is that shortcut.
+Thanks darlin'. See you at the dance.
+I look forward to it. Ha ha ha ha, I hate you.
+Check it out, beavers. Delicious motel furniture!
+They took the bait. Let's go.
+Uh-oh! We forgot to empty the mini-bar!
+That's a seventeen-dollar deck of cards!
+Let it go, Dad.
+Quick, find the master log! There's always a master log.
+We did it! Finally, man has triumphed over a small, furry animal!
+Treaty... Treaty... Treaty... Bill... Treaty... "PEACE PIPE AFICIONADO" magazine...
+Thank you. You have restored our village and our way of life.
+We would like to make you honorary members of our tribe.
+Drink deep from these cups.
+The bear urine will make you strong.
+Actually, it's Fresca.
+Fresca?!
+WELLLLL... GRAB YOUR PARTNER AND START SWINGIN' 'EM / DON'T FORGET THE TWO-DRINK MINIMUM / TAKE YOUR CORNER BY THE HAND / GET ADULT VIDEOS ON DEMAND! / FLASH YOUR TEETH LET'S SEE THOSE SMILES / PAY WITH VISA EARN FREE MILES! / YEE HAW!
+Dang it, Clara should be here by now.
+I'm sure she's just running late. Or, she's not coming because she doesn't understand how special you are.
+That sure don't sound like my sister.
+Sister?! You mean she's not your girlfriend?
+Hell no! They outlawed that in this state two years ago.
+Need-help-now-come-with-me-done-something-terrible!
+Don't-really-care-just-terribly-caught-up-in-moment!
+I have some sad news for ya'll. After this dance, I'm headin' to jail.
+One of my stray bullets hit a Texas Ranger. But I'll be back in six months, yee haw!
+Blanks. They just don't feel the same.
+... So I sent Luke's sister down the wrong trail and... Hey! Where'd all this water come from? There used to be a trail here! And there used to be a beaver dam there.
+Who are you, the usedta police?
+Help me! I can't swim! I'm one lesson short!
+How can we get across?!
+Hey beavers! Remember me, you buck-toothed nerds?
+Run across!
+I'm sorry. I only sent you the wrong way because I thought you were Luke's girlfriend.
+Well, that certainly justifies attempted murder. You know, there are more important things in this world than boys.
+Hel-lo, handsome!
+What's up, Cootie Breath?
+Look at those stupid city slickers, with their fur coats and pointy hats.
+Homer, those are elk.
+I still hate them. Go back to Pittsburgh!
+Lisa, Clara told me 'bout how you saved her last night.
+Did Clara... tell you anything else?
+No. Just that she felt mighty stupid for getting herself lost in them woods.
+Listen, Luke. It's my fault Clara got lost. I didn't know she was your sister, and I wanted you all to myself.
+You would do that just for me... That's despicable! You're the kind of city slicker my family left Central Park West to avoid. You've got a lot of chutzpah, Missy. Goodbye.
+A lot can happen when you're lookin' the other way.
+You're tellin' me.
+Oh, I had my first crush, and all it did was make me do terrible things and then break my heart.
+Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty. But then one day you find a man you love so much it hurts.
+Who is he?!
+You, Homie.
+Woo hoo! In your face, imaginary guy!
+Hey, let's see if Dad's song is finally off the air.
+Comin' up next, Springfield's latest one-hit wonder: "The Moe Szyslak Connection," produced by David Byrne.
+MOE MOE MOE / HOW DO YOU LIKE ME? / HOW DO YOU LIKE ME? / MOE MOE MOE / WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME? / NOBODY LIKES ME...
+Eh, we can spend another week at the ranch.
+GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH / TEACHER HIT ME WITH A RULER...
+I CRACKED HER IN THE BEAN...
+WITH A FROZEN JIMMY DEAN / AND SHE AIN'T MY TEACHER NO MO-O-ORE.
+BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD...
+Mr. Secretary, can you read the minutes of our last meeting?
+Girls are yucky, seconded and carried. A fart was detected, Martin denied it and so was ruled to have supplied it.
+Good. Security officer, anything on scope?
+These Batpants must have been shredded by the Riddler!
+No, just your ass.
+That's what I call my ass.
+OOh, Lisa's having a tea party.
+If I understand the female mind -- and I do -- they're plotting against us.
+We've got to get audio!
+I'm on it.
+Janey, more tea?
+Operation Lady-Bug is a go. Over.
+Today Balthazar will tell us about global warming in the land beyond the rainbow.
+Each year we lose seven species of gumdrops...
+Lisa, this is your mother.
+The doctor says your butt's too big!
+That's not Mom!
+Oh! Someone Is spying on us!
+No one told me there'd be pulling!
+Skinned elbows?! All right -- time to score some pity!
+MOM-MY!...
+Don't worry, son. I'll build you a new treehouse. One so grand it'll be an affront to God himself.
+Can it have a rope ladder you can pull up after you?
+Only if it's an affront to God.
+Hey, you passed the lumberyard.
+Only losers buy wood. We're going to nature's lumberyard.
+Isn't this dangerous?
+It's okay, Bart. This track has been abandoned since nineteen -- uh-oh.
+Nothing beats flying across the country on a train.
+I'm impressed that you drew up blueprints, but these are for a go-kart track.
+Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you?
+Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism.
+Look, I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is.
+You said his name two seconds ago.
+I was just puttin' words together.
+Gotcha.
+Well, two can play at that game.
+Oh, that's it. You are going down.
+Stop it!
+That treehouse is never gonna get built at this rate. Time to call in the pros.
+Aye. Someone needs the Amish. To the buggymobile!
+The Amish are so industrious. Not like those shiftless Mennonites.
+Son, that treehouse is gonna be bigger and better than ever. It really restores your faith in helpful weirdos.
+Bumblebee-man, mi treehouse es su bee- house... Reverend, love the cassock... Moleman, lookin' good!...
+Very nice. Did you do the wiring yourself?
+Heck no, the Amish did it. Who knows more about electricity than the Amish?
+/ Help!
+Watch your step... Don't panic... By going down the ladder, you are agreeing not to sue.
+Head burning... legs freezing. Middle... very pleasant.
+Oh thank God, the dog's here! Pull me free, boy.
+Don't be scared, you can do it!
+Hey! Where are you goin'? I'm your pal! I took you for a walk once!
+Family head-count!
+Pointy, pointy, spiky, stylish... Where's baldy?!
+Flames? Searing pain? A black cat? I must be in heaven.
+Homie, get out of that treehouse!
+Move the net under the window.
+There's no net!
+I always thought cats were just for losers who live in apartments until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty.
+But as for you, Santa's Little Helper, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog!
+Get out, and stay out.
+Our little hero sure likes Kahlua and Cream.
+Quit following me, you coward!
+You heard 'im, fleabag. Get outta my bar, you're unsanitary.
+Oh, how precious. The cat's sittin' in my dinner.
+No, no, don't get up, sweetheart. I'll just, I'll just pick around you. There we go.
+Long live the hero cat of Springfield!
+I make-a you lasagna. You eat it up like-a the cat in the funny papers who's-a not so funny.
+Today I can truly say "Ich bin eine feline!" and I hereby rename Springfield Dog Park...the Snowball II Municipal Cat Park sponsored by Buzz Cola with lemon.
+Damn, that's a lemony cola.
+Mr. Simpson, how long have you been a cat person?
+All my life, Kent. I prefer "catsup" to "ketchup." And to me, "Yusuf Islam" will always be "Cat Stevens."
+Terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical "Cats."
+God no, it sucks.
+Seems like you're quite the animal lover. Do you have any other pets? A dog perhaps?
+Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog.
+Strong words. Strong words from a strange man.
+Don't worry, boy. We'll get you out of the dog house. And then you and Dad'll be chasing butterflies together again.
+Here's a role model for you, boy: Rin Tin Tin. He was brave on and off the screen. He was the first openly gay dog in Hollywood.
+Ach du lieber! He bit me right in the Axis!
+See, now that's the kind of dog you should be.
+Mailman!
+"Grow a mustache," says the wife. "You'll look handsome," says the wife.
+Hmm... needs beer.
+Why you little...!
+Stop it, Homer, that's inhumane! Use the choke chain!
+I want you to just sit there, look through the window and watch me eat a ham. Marge, prepare the emergency ham.
+Hm, this is the kind of shot you only get once in a lifetime.
+Once in a lifetime.
+Hmmm. This photo gives me an idea.
+We might have found our new Duff spokesperson.
+He's young, he's slim, and he can stand on his hind legs. Unlike our current spokesman.
+Ooh. Duffman could use an eye-opener.
+Take a hike, Duffman. You're a disgrace to the unitard.
+You're firing me? But what about my children, Duffgirl and Dufflad?
+Oh, those were one-shot characters in a Super Bowl ad.
+Oh yeah.
+According to this contract, we have to change his name to "Suds McDuff."
+I don't care if his name is Bony McDork, just make the checks out to me.
+It also says we will receive royalties in perpetuity, a bottomless keg of beer and unlimited use of the Duff corporate jet.
+Corporate jet?
+Oh pilot, let's swing by... oh, Heidelberg and drop in on Oktoberfest.
+Welcome back to the family, boy.
+Dad, five minutes ago you hated him.
+Who are you, my biographer?
+Krusty, our animal today is the Toxic Pricker-Snake.
+Very good. Now let me stand on my mark, between the snake and its baby.
+Cut to commercial!
+Hey boy, this is your commercial!
+Houston, we have a problem. This place is dullsville!
+Da. How can you get a buzz chewing freeze dried beer?
+It's Suds McDuff!
+With a shuttlecraft of genuine draft!
+Duff. The official beer of NASA National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol.
+Why does a dog have human girlfriends?
+People do crazy things in ads... like eat at Arby's.
+...eight, nine, ten wads of cash. Your dog has sent Duff beer sales through the roof.
+Boy, you're now second best in the family, right ahead of Marge.
+There you are, old pal! I finally found ya.
+Who the hell are you?
+I'm this dog's owner. I raced him at the greyhound track, under the name Santa's Little Helper. Good times.
+Well, he's not yours anymore. You threw him out on Christmas Eve!
+Yeah, don't listen to him Mr. Duff the Seventh. We took this dog in and loved him, and that makes him ours.
+Oh really? Well this tape says different.
+Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog.
+Dad, you can't let him take our dog!
+My wads! I never even broke the wrapper.
+Who's gonna eat my homework now?
+Okay, boy. Fetch!
+What do you do for fun?
+So Suds, you're lookin' great. What, what did you have a bath or something? Look at me, I'm talkin' to a dog! So what do you think? If I keep talkin' over here, Kelly can't jump in, right?
+C'mon, Suds. Toss me a bone.
+Poor Santa's Little Helper, he's overworked.
+Suds, I hear you're doing game shows now. Gelman, roll the clip!
+Things you buy in a dime store! Famous First Ladies! Things your toothbrush might say!
+Then, later that day, you had a book signing.
+That guy exploits his pets worse than Bob Guccione.
+Well I'm afraid the law is clear and Dad did renounce all claim to ownership.
+But I miss him. He was my best friend.
+Aww. There, there, boy. I'll help you get him back. He may have been a dirty, stinkin' coward, but show me a Simpson that isn't.
+I'm not a coward.
+All right, you're not a coward. And that's beside the point because--
+Look, to get our dog back, we need a plan.
+A plan, eh? Okay, we'll use a plan.
+This is where Duffman lives now. But I'm not sure we should go in there.
+Mom, we need him for our plan.
+I'm sorry, we have a six-month residency limit.
+Well ol' Gil's gonna surprise ya. I'll make something of myself. You'll see. I...
+What do you use for anesthetic? A big mallet? Gee, I'm startin' to have second...
+Look! There's Duffman!
+Okay, if you have six liters of blood and your blood is eighty per cent alcohol, how much alcohol do you have? Anyone?
+Hey, Duffman!
+Please, I'm not Duffman any more. I'm just plain old Barry Duffman. Oh yeah.
+But I like it here, helping the less fortunate. It'll be a cold day in Hell before I shill beer again. An icy cold, full-bodied, beechwood-aged, amber-hued day in... Oh, who am I kidding? Where's my trademark headgear?
+You really are Duffman. Then I must be Jesus! Up, up, and away!
+Stay cool, hopeless drunks. Oh yeah!
+Here's how we're gonna get our dog back. Dad'll pretend to drown and call for "Suds McDuff" to save him.
+But he won't, because he's too cowardly.
+Oh yeah. Once again Duffman's mug will be the only one you chug -- a lug!
+Give it a rest, Barry.
+Sorry, sorry.
+Now, to honor America, Navy Paratroopers will jump from their planes and crown Suds McDuff King of Six-Packistan.
+All hail his royal Duffness!
+This stunt cost fifty million dollars!
+Help! Help! I'm drowning!
+Uh oh! Who will save that poor fat man?
+I know who'll save him, the bravest dog in the world -- Suds McDuff!
+That dog is a coward! And I know cowards!
+Mother, I served in 'Nam.
+And you've been bitching about it for thirty years.
+Everything is going according to plan. I'll just keep thrashing around like an injured seal.
+Now's your chance, Duffman! You can save my Dad and look like a hero!
+Don't send a Duff Dog to do a Duffman's job. Hold on, sir. Soon you'll be filling your lungs with Duff, Duff Lite, or new Duff Blue -- tap into the peppermint glacier.
+Are you there, God? It's me, Duffman.
+Now let me think. How did that beautiful young naked lady in "Jaws" make it out alive?
+Check it out! That shark's wasted!
+He's gone from predator to partier!
+The crowd's going crazy for that shark! Guys wanna be him, girls think they can change him!
+Everyone, say hello to our new mascot, Duff McShark!
+Duff McShark! Duff McShark!
+Well Suds, it looks like you're no good to me anymore. Ah, you might as well be with a loving family.
+Oh, I missed you so much, boy.
+It's good to have you back with the Simpsons.
+I'm sorry I was ever mean to you. Marge, prepare the celebration ham.
+All we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
+Marge, they're just hams, okay.
+Well, boy, now that we got you back, I'm never gonna let you go again.
+Uh-oh, Dad. I think he peed on the rug.
+To me that says "I love you."
+I think he left a "big hug" in your lunch box.
+Aw, it was probably that stupid cat.
+That cat saved your life.
+What has he done for me lately?
+He woke you up when you stopped breathing last night.
+Yeah, but he ate the last can of tuna.
+Dad, you ate the last can of tuna.
+Everyone's against me.
+Okay kids, stay together!
+I certainly appreciate you helping us out with this field trip.
+Oh, a mom's work is never done.
+I thought I was being kicked exceptionally hard lately.
+If I could be any type of shark, I'd be a tiger shark. How 'bout you, Milhouse?
+I guess a nurse shark. I mean--
+Well, looks like Mr. Walrus and his family are enjoying their Sunday brunch!
+Shut up! Am I some sort of joke to you people? Now over here is our newest exhibit, "Wonders of the Gulf Coast."
+Oooh...
+Shut up! It's not that exciting.
+The Gulf is home to a breathtaking array of sea life. But, oil spills are threatening the delicate eco-system.
+Hey, without oil, you wouldn't have your fancy four-wheel drives! You wanna go back to two-wheel drive? Well do ya?
+I didn't mean to steal focus.
+Antarctic life is a constant struggle. These sea lions survive by eating the leftovers of the various film crews that plague the continent.
+This tank is for our Pacific Habitat, which is currently being remodeled.
+Where do you keep the fish 'til it's done?
+Oh, they're well taken care of, in our storage facility.
+In this tank, we see some of the most exotic species of the coral reef.
+Look children, that giant clam appears to be opening. This could be a wonderful journal entry!
+Look at the size of those flawless pearls!
+I might have known... but I didn't.
+Bart, get out of there!
+My poor boy. Will he be all right?
+Marge, this kind of injury is surprisingly routine.
+Bart will be up and underachieving in no time. All I need is your insurance card...
+My husband has our card...
+No problem.
+Now you stay shackled to that radiator until you come up with some insurance.
+Well, it's eleven a.m. on a workday, so he must be at that stupid bar.
+Is my husband there?
+I don't think he's here... hang on, let me check.
+Nope. Whatcha wearin'?
+Okay, five more minutes and I'm chewing my hand off.
+Bart, are you okay?
+Homie, where have you been? I've been calling all over for you!
+Hey, take it easy. I went to the video store, to rent a movie for the family...
+He's got a nose for news, and a diaper full of headlines...
+Hey Chief!
+He's Editor-In-Chimp!
+That monkey's wearin' a hat.
+Lifetime Films presents, "Buttercups of Autumn."
+I fear I have become a buttercup of winter.
+Hush up, Nana. That's fool talk.
+Look, he's misspelling words.
+Nana...
+Well from now on, you need to get a cell phone so I can reach you.
+You can't just "get" a cell phone.
+Lindsay Naegle -- Veriqual Cellular. And I can offer you a whole range of cellular solutions.
+Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican Hat Dance?
+I insist on it.
+I DANCE, I DANCE, I DANCE / AROUND A MEXICAN HAT / I DANCE, I DANCE, I DANCE / AND THAT'S THE END OF THAT / OR IS IT I GUESS I'LL KEEP SINGING / MY CELL PHONE APPEARS TO BE RINGING...
+Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees?
+Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road.
+Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black power salute.
+Black power! Black power!
+Was that Al Roker?
+His exuberance is perplexing.
+Of course we have headsets. But you would be mad to stop there. Tell me -- what is currently plugged into your car's cigarette lighter?
+Uh... a lighter.
+I weep for you. These days, everything from fax machines to coffee makers can be plugged into your "dash hole."
+I'll take 'em.
+DVD player? Check. Snow-cone machine? Check. Lite Brite?
+Check. Fog machine?
+Even I think this is crazy.
+CHAKA KHAN, LET ME ROCK YOU / LET ME ROCK YOU, CHAKA KHAN / CHAKA KHAN CHAKA KHAN...
+Whisk the egg whites into the batter mixture while scraping the edges with a stiff rubber spatula. Now let's look in on our hushpuppies.
+Oh my God! I've got to do something.
+Come on, transmit. Transmit!
+Save me Chaka Khan! Chaka Khannnn!
+I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right!
+Mr. Simpson, give me your license.
+Burn their poop.
+I am so screwed. I can't drive to work, I can't drive to the store, and I certainly can't drive to the store at work.
+I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does -- picks up the slack.
+That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.
+Why can't you use the local dry cleaner?
+I didn't want them to know my size.
+Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge.
+Can we stop for ice cream?
+Homer always stops for ice cream.
+We'll see.
+That always means no.
+Where is your mother? I've gotta get to Moe's.
+Dad, mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation?
+Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. I guess I'll walk.
+Stupid walking, thighs chafing horribly, no drink holder. I miss my car so much -- everyone's driving but me!
+I can't drive fifty-five! 'Cause it only goes thirty-eight.
+I let go of the parking brake!
+Ralphie, if you stop the car, I'll let you play with my gun.
+I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house.
+Way to go, Dad!
+You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar.
+Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening.
+No. From now on, walking is my beer. And feeling good is my hangover.
+Huh. Hey maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol business. Give barber college another try -- and this time I won't join a frat.
+Who the hell am I talkin' to?
+You know, all this walking is paying off -- look how healthy I am.
+You see? I'm finally thin enough to wrap this thing around my arm.
+Good for you, Dad. Could you get me some syrup?
+You see? Before, I probably would have driven to the syrup.
+Kids, hurry up and eat! We have to leave for the dentist five minutes ago!
+We don't have time for choking!
+Calm down, Stresserella!
+I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur!
+Now now, honey. We all appreciate what you do. But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission.
+To hell with the Livery Commission!
+Marge, you don't know what you're saying!
+What a day for a stroll.
+Seymour, the two of us could make good use of this time.
+Indeed. You take this teacher evaluation test. I'll proctor.
+Read the directions silently as I read them aloud to you.
+Look at those suckers in their metal coffins. I can go to work any way I want.
+Psst. Bishop to queen four.
+We're playing dominoes.
+I said, "Bishop to queen four."
+All right, all right.
+Simpson, you're a menace!
+Oh George, leave the boy be.
+Martha, I want a divorce.
+Oh George, you've made me so happy.
+Why, you're the first one here! Please accept this free ticket to the 1939 World's Fair.
+Thanks, Mr. Burns. I owe it all to walking.
+Walking, eh? Let me give it a try.
+Well, I'd better drag myself to the hospital.
+Oh dear. Smithers, scoop me up.
+How could you both miss the bus to school?
+We touched hands and then we had to wash the cooties off.
+What's all that rustling?
+My show and tell project... a Peruvian fighting frog.
+Hey! I brought a Peruvian fighting frog!
+When will they stop?
+Come nightfall.
+How 'bout we take a family walk around the block?
+Yay! I wanna amble!
+I wanna saunter!
+Saunter!
+Saunter!
+Stop saying things!
+Honey, you seem frazzled. Why don't you come with us?
+Hey, I'd like that. I can't. I have to go pick up Grampa... he proposed to another hooker at the bus station.
+You sure love driving.
+Morning, Homer. Lookin' good.
+Yeah, walking's made a new man out of you.
+It sure has. You see this bulge back here?
+Now it actually is a fanny pack.
+No, wait. It's still my ass. But your point is well taken. You see...
+I LIKE TO WALK DOWN THE AVENUE / BUST A MOVE WITH DISCO STU...
+YOU SHAKE ME FROM MY BOOTY TO MY 'FRO...
+YES, I STRUT DOWN THE BOULEVARD / BURNING OFF MY EXCESS LARD...
+I RARELY FEEL THE NEED TO UTTER D'OH!
+Top of the mornin', ladies.
+Bite us.
+I CAN WALK FROM SPRINGFIELD TO ALASKA / THEN HOBNOB WITH THE STARS IN MALIBU...
+Hi Homer. I'm actor Steve Buscemi.
+The guy who got fed into the wood chipper in "Fargo"?
+AND WHEN I HEAR...
+YOU CAN'T WALK TO TURKMENISTAN!
+I SAY "OF COURSE I CAN -- SCREW YOU!"
+Hey, would you guys like tickets to the Independent Film Awards?
+Would we!
+OH, I LOVE TO PERAMBULATE / IT'S STANDING STILL I REALLY HATE / SO LET ME PLEASE REITERATE / I LOVE TO...
+My feet are inside me.
+I am so sorry, Homie. How is your crushed pelvis?
+Pretty good. Thanks for asking.
+I don't know what happened. I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator!
+It's okay, Marge. It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch.
+Now Marge, while Homer recuperates, I'm afraid you'll pretty much have to do everything for him.
+That's okay. I can handle it. Homie, why don't you just relax and have a little soup?
+Too hot! Too hot!
+I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
+Hot! Hot! Hot! Warm, tepid, cool, cold... so cold!
+Oh, you're really coming along, Homie.
+Yeah, the doctor says that soon my pelvis will actually be stronger and more beautiful than ever.
+Gee, everything always works out for you.
+Oh my God! Let me help you up!
+Marge, you're trying to hurt me!
+What? That's crazy.
+No, it's true. The car, the soup... It's like you hate me... your own husband...
+That's ridiculous. I don't like you. I mean hate you, hate you, hate you! I hate you!
+I've heard that from co-workers, strangers on the street, even my own children... but I never thought I'd hear it from you.
+Maybe we should see a counselor.
+Who's "we"? Got a mouse in your purse?
+Manjula, I'm so glad you have finally forgiven me for having an affair.
+She used to elbow me in the face!
+Next, please.
+I've been married to my husband for ten years and part of me wants to kill him.
+I'm really touched by how much you care.
+Perhaps you feel that your husband sees you as less of a partner and more of a doormat.
+Nothing could be farther from the...
+You could be on to something there, Doc...
+Sorry, I got a lot on my mind.
+That's okay, take your time.
+All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you. Homer, you first.
+There's Homer... Homer J. Simpson... and Commander Cool, a/k/a me.
+That's us in a nutshell. I care so much about you, Homer, but I'm not even on your list. Excuse me.
+We've gotta help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy Moe is very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Dr. Hot Dog?
+All right. I have an answer. You must perform for her one completely unselfish gesture.
+You mean... like give her full custody of the kids?
+Yeah, full custody, that's exactly what I... you're an idiot.
+You gotta knock her off her feet with something utterly romantic... something that says I care about you.
+I see. Do you have any suggestions?
+I do, but the hour is over.
+Here's a dollar.
+Romantic dinner.
+Gotta go.
+You know what Mom really loves? Julienne potatoes. And for dessert, peach crumble.
+You wanna know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin. Ha, anyway, what's goin' on?
+I'm gonna treat Marge to a romantic dinner, to make up for all my shortcomings.
+Hey, Homer. If you're havin' a banquet for Marge, I'd like to help.
+Hey, me too. I could whip up my famous poulet au vin avec champignons à la Carl.
+You can bring a bag of ice.
+Pick one.
+Lousy Homer... I'll show him... tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples.
+Wha...?!
+Oh my God. It's so beautiful.
+Hey look, everybody, Marge is here!
+Oh Homie, you got everyone in Springfield here for me!
+Honey, I couldn't keep 'em away if I tried. Except for Flanders. He was mysteriously called out of town.
+I got your letter, Jesus and I'm coming as fast as I can.
+Tonight, we're here to serve you. Sit back and enjoy the finest foods Springfield has to offer.
+I brought you me finest catch of the day. We lost a dozen good men. But it's worth it just to see you smile.
+That's it, eh? Twelve men. Well, I've got some families to inform.
+Nothing. Just a curse on your very soul.
+And now Marge, I bringa you the main course.
+Electra recording artist slash political activist, Jackson Browne!
+Ooo, the Pretender!
+When Homer told me about this special night, I just had to be a part of it. I'm here to serenade you with a song...
+...from my latest album.
+Just kidding. Here's one of my many classics.
+That I fixed with new words!
+YOU HOOKED UP IN HIGH SCHOOL / NOW YOU'VE COME SO FAR / THEN YOU STARTED TO HATE HIM / AND HIT HIM WITH YOUR CAR.
+SO I THREW YOU A FANCY BANQUET / AND NOW YOU CAN'T STAY MAD / HOW 'BOUT A MAKE-UP SNUGGLE? / IT WOULD BE SO RAD.
+MARGIE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT / YOU WEAR MY RING / WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGHT / MARGIE THAT'S MY THING...
+Whoops.
+I love you, too.
+So you don't want to kill me anymore?
+Only with kisses.
+Oh, don't be a wuss.
+WHEN YOU TURN OUT THE LIGHT / I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO ME / LOOKS LIKE IT'S ME AND YOU AGAIN TONIGHT / MARJORIE.
+Now I'd like to propose a toast: to a woman who's done so much for us without getting anything in return.
+Except a place to live and free food.
+Why you little...
+Now, let's all raise our wine boxes... to Marge!
+Hear, hear!
+To Marge!
+I'm so full. My control top panel is in shards.
+I want to thank you all so much.
+You're welcome. And now Marge, we cooked, you clean.
+Only teasing. We've flown in the finest busboys from France... I mean, America!
+Vite! Vite!
+And now, to all my dear friends, I say... get the Hell out of my yard.
+Next on Comedy Central, an all-new "South Park"!
+I hear those kids' voices are done by grownups.
+Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I just wonder how they keep it so fresh after forty-three episodes.
+I can't believe we paid to see a band with Steve Guttenberg, Calista Flockhart, and Farty the crippled Robot.
+Look who's in my fart: O.J.!
+I'm gonna kill you all!
+Cartoon violence! Cartoon violence!
+Now I'm gonna find the real killers!
+They wrote all the songs on Maggie's baby records.
+Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming. We're going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.
+Now back to "Good Heavens."
+Jesus called today.
+He did?!
+I'm bored.
+Hey, I've got an idea. Let's tie a string around a fly.
+Cool. Do you think bugs feel pain?
+If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life.
+I wish I could fly. Then I'd be the most popular kid in school.
+Knowing you, you'd mess it up somehow.
+The fly's stuck in Flanders' house!
+I'll go contact the nearest adult!
+There's no time. We're going in!
+My eyeglass repair kit!
+Let it go.
+Well, what do you know, cats eat flies.
+Sometimes I wish a cat would eat me.
+Dude, we're in Flanders' house -- unsupervised.
+Wow! Let's go nuts!
+Bright, brighter, brightest... off, bright, brighter, brightest... off.
+That is so gay.
+These losers are out of peanut butter.
+I know how to make some.
+Peanuts... butter... now, we just put the top on...
+Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.
+Now let's make jelly!
+I feel like luge silver medalist Barbara Niedernhuber!
+Wow, Mr. Flanders is really into the Beatles.
+What are the Beatles?
+Who is he talking to?
+John Lemon, Orange Harrison, Paul McIced Tea, Mango Starr? Hey Bart, how 'bout a blast from the past?
+A forty-year-old novelty beverage? Hand it over!
+Yellow matter custard... dripping from a dead dog's eye...
+I don't feel so fab.
+Well, the folks at the senior center sure will love that peach tree we planted.
+I wish we could see their happy faces.
+Sin of pride, Roddy.
+I'm sorry.
+Sin of regret.
+The house is slightly askew! To the panic room!
+Daddy, I'm scared!
+Scared of what? All the funny camp songs we're gonna sing? WE'LL BE SAFE INSIDE OUR FORTRESS WHEN THEY COME / WE'LL BE SAFE FROM CREEPS AND KILLERS WHEN THEY COME / UNLESS THEY HAVE A BLOWTORCH / OR A POISON GAS INJECTOR / THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN WHEN THEY COME!
+Okay, home invaders! We don't want to hurt you -- we just want to talk.
+Well, if you just wanna talk, why don't we talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife.
+I thought the divorce was final.
+When is a divorce ever final?
+All right, let's just move in.
+All right, perps. We know you're in here somewhere.
+Well, well, well. Looks like a couple of punks are gonna be taking the last train to Clarksville.
+That's the Monkees, Chief.
+Go wait in the car.
+It was the Monkees.
+Please don't call our parents!
+I'm afraid I have to for hijinks like these. Heh. "Hijinks." Funny word. Three dotted letters in a row.
+Is it hyphenated?
+I AM HOMER TRIBAL CHIEF / I AM WEARING TINY BRIEFS / BRAVES TEACH VALUE BOYS SHOULD KNOW / NOW EXTENDED DRUM SO-LO
+It used to be. Back in the bad old days. Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to. Then there's NSYNC. Ha. What the Hell is that? Jump in any time, Eddie. These are good topics.
+Ned, I am so sorry.
+I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.
+Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus! But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
+Hey, boys will be boys.
+I am so tired of that tautology.
+It's not all his fault. I blame this latchkey kid.
+People, people. Calm down. Both these kids are total write-offs. Uh, I assume you're pressing charges. Because I get paid by the charge.
+Oh our courts aren't fit to keep children in line. The only thing they're good for is telling women what to do with their bodies. What these boys need is adult supervision.
+You are so right, Ned. There won't be a single minute where Bart's not under the watchful eye of myself or... Homer, get over here!
+Look at me, I'm Brian Epstein!
+Now I'm Michael Jackson. I own all your songs, losers. Hee, hee, hee.
+Here are some supervised activities we can all do together. Future Veterans of Foreign Wars, The 5-H Club...
+Five-H?
+They had to admit homosexuals.
+How come I'm not doing this stuff with Milhouse?
+You won't be seeing Milhouse for a while. Something about that boy just shakes up your soda. Ooh, this looks interesting: The Pre-Teen Braves.
+Hey, these freaks do a lot of cool stuff. "Cookouts, hayrides, bowling..."
+Just like real Indians!
+Dad, maybe you could lead Bart's tribe.
+You mean like some sort of madman?
+Ideally no, but...
+I'll do it!
+I will now give each of you your specially selected tribal name.
+I am "Burger With Fries." Man, is that uninspired.
+Let's see. What Native American activities should we do? Making wallets... faking crop circles... respecting nature... jeez, no wonder these guys lost the Civil War.
+Hey, Lazy Horse! Find us something cool to do.
+The noble Chiefs outsmarted the treacherous Cowboys with a seven-yard screen pass. Unfortunately, after further review, the great father in the sky determined that the receiver's moccasins were out of bounds. I shall bet no more forever.
+I don't think Dad is accurately portraying Native American life.
+Yeah, Indians don't sit around drinking beer and watching TV.
+I smell smoke.
+Without the talking stick, we don't hear you.
+I smell smoke.
+I see you Braves received our smoke signal.
+Wow! / Neat-o! / Awesome!
+Oh no! The Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.
+Wow Mom, I wish you were our tribe leader.
+Hail to our new Chief! The surprisingly hot Mrs. Simpson.
+Well, thank you. I'm gonna make sure you boys have the best possible Pre-Teen Brave experience.
+But I was chosen by the Great Spirit to teach these young braves the ways of the antelope and the ear of corn... which we call maize... that the papoose... eh, I'll be at Moe's talking normal.
+Nelson, leggings?
+No way! If my old man sees me in these, he'll kill me.
+You haven't seen your dad in years.
+Hey, today might be the day!
+Nelson?
+Poppa, is that you? You came back from the store!
+Let's admire Nelson's love of nature.
+Poppa! Poppa! Never leave me again!
+All right. Everyone inside. Let's go.
+Our nature walk will be hosted by a full-blooded Native American. Say hello to Jim Proudfoot from the Mohican tribe.
+Mohican? I thought you guys were all gone.
+No. But we encourage the myth. Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.
+Are we on Indian land?
+It once was. My tribe's land stretched from that Krusty Burger down to Gary's Waterbed Warehouse.
+The great spirit blessed us with beauty and abundance.
+The land gave birth to the trees, the animals frolicked in the waters, and the wind was so gentle it would tie your shoes for you.
+But that harmony has been shattered.
+And now the land weeps.
+Hey, treadmill! How do you like this incline?
+Uh, I'm giving it back to the earth.
+What are we gonna do to that field?
+Clean it!
+And why are we gonna do it?
+Liberal guilt!
+I'm so proud of what you guys are doing. I even tipped off the local paper.
+Yeah, she sure did! And I've already got the perfect headline: "Activity Participated in by Some." Hey, that's great.
+Let's go, boys. Make sure you use Pine Sol on those pine trees, for that pine fresh smell.
+Oh for God's sake, I can see why he left. Now all of you, get cleaning.
+Hey! Some jerks cleaned our field!
+It's awful. It looks like Wisconsin!
+I hereby declare this area cleaned up by the Cavalry Kids!
+It was already dead.
+Boy, I got up on the wrong side of the futon today.
+"Cavalry Kids?" That's pathetic.
+We're the bad boys of non-denominational community youth groups.
+Well, surely there's room in this town for two well-meaning juvenile associations.
+Yeah. But the Girl Scouts already control the south side.
+Then I guess this means war.
+Will you be my mommy?
+You smell like dead bunnies.
+Those Cavalry Kids are bigger credit hogs than the Red Cross.
+I must disagree, Mrs. Bart. They've painted this town with a fresh coat of give-a-hoot.
+Well you ain't seen nothin' till you've seen the Pre-Teen Braves.
+Pre-Teen Braves? Is this another of those youth groups that apes the cultures of those indigenous peoples you invaded and destroyed?
+Exactly. The Pre-Teen Braves.
+Hello. I'm heavyweight champ Drederick Tatum, here to issue a challenge to the youth groups of Springfield. Whichever one of you sells the most candy will be honorary batboys at the next Isotopes home game!
+Proceeds will go towards keeping people like me off the streets. I can't help myself: punch and grope, punch and grope. That's all I was taught.
+This is a perfect opportunity. We'll beat those Cavalry Kids by selling candy!
+I'm a brick!
+"We will crush you and smother your dreams. Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids."
+Marge, you were an excellent peace-time Chief. But these times call for men of cruelty.
+Oh, it's too tight! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!
+Men of cruelty.
+Okay, Bart. Back up the truck.
+Mr. Leonard, Mr. Carlson? Would you like to buy some candy bars for charity?
+Oh sure. We were just gonna buy the same candy inside the store, but for less.
+Aw man, that went south quick. I gotta find a bathroom.
+Your candy is tainted! The batboy prize is forever beyond your reach!
+Candy for sale!
+Get your un-poisoned candy!
+It's laxative-free for today's lifestyle!
+Melts in your mouth, not in your pants!
+Greetings, fellow Springfielders. It gives me great pleasure to announce the group which has sold the most candy. Could everyone please lean forward expectantly.
+...The Cavalry Kids!
+Oh, the indignity!
+Wait a minute. How could those stupid jar-heads win?
+Who'd want candy filled with laxatives?
+Holy moly, I'm movin' like Ginger Rogers!
+Looks like this is one time the Indians didn't win.
+Well, that's it. They've beaten us.
+At least we made a lot of people sick.
+Well I'm not finished. Where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat?
+It's on the back of our vests.
+Marge, remove that stitching.
+Son, your success has inspired me. I'm gonna take that bartending course. Including today's lighter drinks.
+VIP? That's us!
+People will do anything a sign tells them.
+Boy, that slaked my thirst.
+Or did it?
+Dad, we're gonna be late for the game.
+Do you have five bucks for regular parking? 'Cause I don't!
+Welcome fans of America's favorite pastime... baseball? Here to perform the National Anthem are today's honorary bat boys, the Cavalry Kids, led by Milhouse Van Houten!
+After this prank, everyone's gonna hate those Cavalry Clods as much as we do.
+OH SAY CAN YOU SEE / BACK IN ROW DOUBLE-Z / THAT THE TEAM SUCKS OUT LOUD / AND YOU FANS ARE ALL PLOWED...
+This is an outrage! The Cavalry Kids must hate America!
+Hey, show some respect! My dad died in some war!
+You call this a large beer?
+It's a hoax! I'm the real Milhouse!
+Time to knock off this knockoff!
+Pound him, Milhouse!
+You talk pretty tough for a man without health insurance!
+I'm on federal assistance!
+You lay off my girlfriend's ex-husband!
+Jeez, I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry Kid.
+I was a Pre-Teen Brave!
+I sang at your wedding.
+Yeah, "The Best Is Yet To Come," real original.
+Aw geez, how did this happen?
+All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt and teach the boys good citizenship. And now it's a donnybrook!
+Oh my God, that's my wife, and she's crying.
+Oh, Lassie, dry your tears.
+Then show us your boobs!
+Ow! Ow! God help me!
+Dear God. Why are we fighting?
+I ain't doin' any fighting.
+Let us end this mindless violence and join our hands in song.
+How you got in my carpool I'll never know.
+Aye, not a hymn to war like our National Anthem, but a sweet, soothing hymn like the National Anthem of Canada. O CANADA / OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND...
+TRUE PATRIOT LOVE...
+IN ALL THY SONS COMMAND...
+WITH GLOWING HEARTS / WE SEE THE RISE / THE TRUE NORTH / STRONG AND FREE / O CANADA / WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE.
+Well, Bart. We've learned that war is not the answer.
+Except to all of America's problems.
+Does anyone else want to know why that sign is so funny?
+C'mon, we're gonna be late to the blooming of the Sumatran Century Flower.
+How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activities?
+Because I know every time you say "pick a number from one to ten," it's always seven.
+That's because there were seven apostles.
+No, there were twelve.
+Boy, that's a big staff. And still he wasn't that funny.
+The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey into its digestive tract...
+Stupid prey. They never suspect anything.
+Ooo, a hotdog!
+Flower power my ass.
+That's odd. It's eleven fifteen in the morning and the bar is empty.
+I'm live at Springfield Botanical Gardens, where we're minutes away from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Flower, which only occurs once every hundred years.
+Hey, those are my customers-slash-only friends! Where are they getting their beer?
+A cooler! I've been replaced by a cooler!
+And who could blame 'em?
+Eh, no point in mopin' around. I might as well join 'em and have a jolly old time.
+Better set the alarm.
+Here I am, one of the crowd. I'm comfortable I'm calm. If anybody looks at me I got a hypodermic full of bleach.
+Um, people, we are officially over capacity. We've got to kick one person out. Someone who's alone, already bitter, someone whose feelings have been trampled on so many times one more won't make any... Oh, Moe!
+Yeah, that's me all right.
+Sorry, Moe. You can either walk out with dignity, or I can push you down this muddy hill.
+I'd prefer that you push me. Seein' how I'm desperate for any human contact.
+All right.
+Thanks a lot.
+The flower's starting to open!
+Everyone, flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation!
+Man, the plant cut one!
+Bart, plants don't-- wheww!
+¡Ay yai yai! ¡Que flora malodorosa!
+Argh, that smells worse than James Coco's ski boots!
+Oh yeah. That's mildly better.
+Listen to those lucky people, enjoying that pretty flower. I got nothin' -- just this can.
+At least there's someone worse off than me.
+So long, suckers!
+Well, at least we're outside instead of sittin' home watchin' TV.
+I hear that. Hey, that car has a TV in it!
+We now return to "The Beverly Hillbillies Down Under".
+You still got us, Moe.
+Hey, Granny! I'm gonna be a professional didgeridoo player.
+Well, now it's a didgeri-don't!
+Oh, Granny...
+Can you put on the baseball game?
+My kids are watching a movie!
+C'mon, help a brother out.
+Why don't you call my secretary and make an appointment, "brother"?
+A dream deferred is a dream denied!
+Dad, the traffic's moving.
+Woo-hoo! Pedal to the metal!
+My baby!
+Your baby!
+NOOOOOOOOOO!
+Well, this is it. The last call for Moe. God. God, God...
+Whaaa--?
+Moe! Thank God you saved my baby...
+That hideous man is a hero!
+Heh. Life don't seem so hard no more.
+Look, Maggie's in the paper with Moe. How cute.
+Look at those pants. They're standing up with no one in them.
+Hey, I was in the neighborhood and uh, thought I'd, y'know, check in on Maggie.
+Moe, I'm glad you're here! I wanted to thank you so much for saving my baby, so I knitted you a nice warm sweater.
+Aw, look at that. That's so soft and thoughtful and what's the gag? Is it full of chiggers?
+No, no all that's in there is love and gratitude.
+Aw jeez, there's somethin' in my eye. Ah, it's just glass.
+So, how's the little tyke doin'?
+Ain't she adorable.
+Oh my God, I'm late for work.
+The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!
+Oh, Lord. Why do they keep changing his medication?
+Look at me, I'm Speedy Alka Seltzer! Whoa!
+Moe, I gotta handle this. Can you keep an eye on Maggie?
+Me? Yeah, uh... yeah, sure, i-i-if you don't think I'd spook her or nothin'.
+No, you'll be fine. I'll be right back.
+I got lindenberries!
+So, how's it goin'? Huh.
+Hey, you-you wanna see me uh, dislocate my arm? Take a look at this.
+It was years before I could do this without faintin'. Still hurts.
+Grampa, stop!
+Sayonara, Tojo!
+LA LA LA LA LA... LA LA LA LA LA!
+Oh, Lord.
+Hey, Mag. Raggedy Andy over there has been giving you the button-eye. I'll get rid of him. All right, come on. Out you go.
+Hmp, I finally caught up with Grampa. I found him crying in the cemetery. Thanks for taking care of Maggie.
+Oh, no problem. You know, it-it gave me kind of a good warm feelin'. Like when you get drunk and fall asleep in the snow.
+Yeah, well I better go.
+Aw, there, there Mags. I'll be back sometime.
+Wow, she really likes you. Maybe the next time I need a sitter, and you're not busy...
+I-I'd love to. Uh, uh let me check my schedule.
+Well, I was gonna erase those two apostrophes and replace 'em with 'g's, but that's about it. So, you know, call anytime.
+Why is she crying? Oh, that's right. I still got her nose.
+Here ya go, ya little idiot.
+Ball pit, that's nice. One, two, three colors -- you got 'em all.
+It's Patty, chump!
+Aw! What a face! She looks just like you!
+You calling her repellant?
+No, I was just...
+'Cause you ain't exactly Karen Allen yourself, you know.
+You idiot, I was trying to pick you up.
+Oh, great. Uh, well why don't you play with the baby while I go rent a room?
+Boy, that's one for the Christmas letter. What a nut.
+Way to go, Mom. Homemade dim sum, with eight kinds of dipping sauce!
+This is the best Year of the Rat ever!
+Well, I have so much free time now that Moe's our babysitter.
+Yeah, it's great that she's got a father-figure in her life. She--hey wait, that's supposed to be me!
+You could be my father figure.
+No way! I'm not gettin' my fingerprints on that train wreck. But if I lose Maggie, I'm oh-for-three. I've gotta get her back.
+I can help you.
+I said, pipe down, Amtrak.
+Maggie, look what's in your ear, a penny.
+Okay, we won't tell no one about that. Now let's see, what else can we do? We can't tickle Elmo no more.
+Coochie, coochie coo.
+No means no for Elmo!
+And this Slinky... these things are fun for about two seconds.
+Yeah, that's it, slink away.
+Hm. "Alice in Wonderland," huh? This must be a take-off on that "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
+It's so nice to be with someone who can't understand the horrible things I say.
+White rabbit... chicks poppin' mushrooms... this is like the Playboy Mansion. Maybe I can think of a story uh, more suitable for a baby.
+Ooh, I got one: it starts out with a beautiful wedding.
+But the father of the bride was nowhere to be seen.
+He was granting favors to all of his bestest buddies.
+I think we could scare that movie producer by puttin' a horse's blanket in his bed. Imagine waking up and seeing you got the wrong kinda blanket.
+How about a horse's head?
+Oh, you see here. That's why you're the Godfather.
+And the Godfather's playing with his grandson, see. So he sticks an orange in his mouth, like this.
+Okay. And now, it's intermission.
+Gimme a break, will ya? It's a friggin' saga.
+Don Bardzini gets whacked. Tessio, Ohh... you won't see him no more. Moe Greene: Bam! He gets it right in the eye. And Michael is now the new Godfather. And he shuts the door on Annie Hall.
+Oh, no, no baby. No, no... Okay, Part Two. Little Anthony's having his first communion at Lake Tahoe. Meanwhile Michael can't get a gaming license. But Senator Geary's got one weakness: call girls...
+That's right.
+This party's boring. Everything here is for babies.
+I'm helping Daddy!
+Lisa, it says one year and up.
+Oh, there she is, the birthday girl. Oh, your mommy tied a bow for you, huh. I'd better retie it -- the way you like it.
+I know it don't seem like it matters, but you know, she hates lookin' like crap.
+Hey, hey, hey, Osh Kosh B'Gosh. She don't want what you're shovelin'.
+Mr. Moe. My son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter.
+Yeah, sure he was, Nahasapasa-Imraisin'apervert.
+Back off, Moe. Maggie wants to be with me.
+This is how we play. THE SQUIRMY WORMY SPIDER / SQUIRTS OUT OF DADDY'S HANDS...
+You guys mind if I uh... kiss your tummies?
+... DADDY FEELS REJECTED / HE'S GONNA EAT SOME CAKE.
+Oh, a rattle!
+Thank you, Selma.
+Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.
+Eh, get a neck, Frankenstein.
+Hey, open my present! Open my present!
+It's Uncle Moe's Play Tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Look, even the little toilet is broken.
+I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby.
+Sure they are. They even talk. Look!
+I peed my pants.
+I recorded that for private use!
+Your turn.
+No, it's your turn.
+I got it. It's okay!
+Moe?! What are you doing here?
+Well, Maggie was crying. I heard her on my baby monitor.
+You have your own baby monitor in our child's room?
+I had to. It's so weird watching the video and not getting any sound.
+That's it, Moe. This is just too weird. You are not allowed to see Maggie anymore.
+Well, can I at least give her this Moe-bile?
+Eh? Eh?
+Get your own family, Moe.
+Hey, you never cared about Maggie 'til I started paying attention to her. Last night at the bar you called her "Raquel."
+Get out!
+Is that uh, "get out" like leave, or "get out" as in: "Get out. You banged Bridget Fonda?"
+Get out!
+Get out, that's-- okay.
+Maybe I can catch a late show of "Alice In Underpants." Or maybe "Put 'em on the Looking Glass."
+Boy, I'm like a mess here. I feel so lonely without that kid.
+Here comes the airplane.
+All gone.
+TOYS AND CAKES AND PETS AND BROTHERHOOD...
+It's our song.
+Now, there'll be no more trouble from that meddlesome bartender.
+Yeah. You know, looking at this sweet precious child makes me want to have one of our own.
+Tonight I want you boys to take out the Castellaneta family.
+Uh, I don't know, boss. My passion for whacking is waning.
+Perhaps this will cheer you up.
+Oh, that's better. I could whack my own mother now.
+I'm glad you brought that up.
+Kill my mother?! She makes such good pasta sauce.
+It comes from a can.
+She's a corpse.
+What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? 'Cause I can explain. I'm going to farm and sell snakes.
+Maggie's gone!
+It must have been Moe!
+He's got your kid, but don't worry. Everything is gonna be okay.
+Scum, Freezebag! I mean, freeze, scumbag! You can't write stuff like that. See that's why sitcoms are dying.
+Chief, it's just a ham.
+Thank goodness.
+Well boys, looks like we've solved the case of the missing ham. Let's go.
+No! We have to find my baby!
+Maggie's missing? You gotta let me help find her, please! We have a special bond. Even greater than her bond with the duck-shaped washcloth.
+Okay, you can help us.
+Well, I think we know when we're not needed.
+You guys are the world's worst cops.
+No, now that I'm off duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.
+Well, it looks like Maggie crawled through these bushes, spit up over here, and crashed her tricycle into the wall.
+Uh, no, that was me.
+Here's a clue: a discarded orange wedge!
+Orange wedge?
+Marge, do mobsters ever congregate outside your house?
+All the time. Sometimes I bring them lemonade.
+Listen, I think we might have to make a trip to Little Italy.
+I'll get our little passports.
+So you see, you have no choice but to sell out to me.
+Oops! Clumsy me. I will consider your proposal in the restroom as I tidy up. Boys?
+Oops! Clumsy us. We must all go to the restroom, too.
+Those fellows should really consider sippy cups.
+Look, Boss. It's a baby!
+Ooh, a bambino. Or is it bambina? I no speak any language so good.
+We have considered your proposal...and our answer is no.
+Boss, they hid guns in the men's room!
+Clumsy me, I dropped my fork. Boys, help me pick it up.
+Now, hold on here. I'm President of the Italian American Anti-Defamation League.
+And this really burns my cannoli!
+Maggie's right in the middle of that Italian-American-Mexican standoff!
+Oh my God, I've gotta save her!
+No. You've got a family. I'm the guy with nothin' and no one.
+No, no, don't try to stop me.
+We're not. Your sleeve got caught on that tree. Here, let me unhook ya.
+Off you go.
+Yeah, thanks.
+Gee, uh, this is the second-most guns ever pointed at me.
+You know, a couple weeks ago I wouldn't have minded if you shot me. But all that's changed, because of this little girl here. Look at her. Ain't she a doll?
+I ain't cried like this since I paid to see Godfather Three.
+Here's your baby back.
+Thanks, Moe. I'm sorry we thought you were a baby-napper.
+Or worse, am I right?
+Hey, hey, hey, the important thing is, little Maggie is safe.
+Well, I gotta get home. There might be a telemarketer calling or something. I'll see you when you're old enough to drink, okay, Magpie.
+Oh great, I'm caught on another tree. Lousy shirt-grabbin', sap-drippin'...
+Whaaa?!
+I don't think Maggie wants you out of her life, Moe.
+Moe, I was just thinking, if Maggie and I were in the neighborhood, maybe we could drop by and have a playdate with you... and your ham.
+We'd like that, Homer.
+Good grief, this candy's terrible.
+Circus peanuts, raisins, nicotine gum, a library card... You got all good stuff!
+And yet I'm still not satisfied.
+You thieving hussy!
+You kids have got to learn that actions have consequences! Eat fire, punks!
+I'm still cold!
+Will everyone please stop fighting and burning!
+Beat the lumps. Beat the lumps. Beat the lumps.
+Hey! / Ay carumba!
+Homie, I disagree with your approach to the children.
+Pathetic humans! They're showing a Halloween episode in November.
+Who's still thinking about Halloween? We've already got our Christmas decorations up!
+Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Mer-ry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
+I am Death!
+Death? We don't want any.
+I have come for Bart Simpson.
+Bart, run like the wind!
+Mom, it's "wind."
+Well, I've only read it in books.
+Why you little...
+Please, don't take me! Take Milhouse. We all know there's no happy ending there.
+Your time is up, Bart Simpson.
+This is for Snowball One and JFK!
+Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without Death.
+Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi Show?
+I guess so.
+Nooooo!
+A world without death...
+Frankie the Squealer, why won't you die?
+If I knew I'd tell ya, I swear!
+I'd better call my wife... tell her I'll be late.
+If I knew this would take so long, I'd'a put on the TV.
+Y'money's on the counter. No tip.
+You miserable bastard.
+That's why I'm up here.
+Death, Death, we miss you so much. You were a busboy in the restaurant of life, clearing away the oldies and the sickies and the chokies. And you made NASCAR racing exciting.
+Homer, it's trash day. Will you just take him out to the curb?
+I'll curb him... without enthusiasm.
+Ooo, this robe's pretty soft.
+Check it out! I finally found a dead guy's clothes that fit me!
+What? It's not... My hand! What's happening?
+Dad, you've become the new Grim Reaper!
+No way. Forget it. I might occasionally kill out of anger, or to illustrate a point, but I am not a Grim Reaper.
+Ow! I'll reap! I'll reap already!
+Jasper, your time has come!
+Where's the regular guy? Where's Doug?
+Never mind. I'm Death now.
+I liked Doug.
+"My dad's job." My dad's job takes him to all parts of the community. He performs a valuable service, but is often misunderstood, like a vulture or the flesh-eating maggot.
+Would anyone like to see Mr. Simpson harvest a soul?
+/ I would! / Me! Me!
+You said something about a hot meal?
+Oh man, these seats suck.
+Leave everything to me.
+Pardon me, comin' through, rest in peace, you're dead... Take an dirt nap. Feed the worms...
+Dad, were all those people on the list?
+I'unno.
+Okay, who am I giving the finger to today?
+Not this! Anything but this!
+Uh... what was that first one again?
+Okay God, I bumped off the love of my life, according to your divine whim. Now release me from this ghastly vocation.
+Come on!
+All right.
+Woo-hoo!
+Hey, wait a minute! This isn't Marge! This is her fat sister, Selma.
+Doggone it! I am too old and too rich for this.
+Thanks for not killing me, Homie. Here's an extra pork chop.
+I'm gonna not kill you every week.
+Y'ello?
+Sir, I'm honored to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize.
+The Nobel Prize! Finally. So, uh it's for what, my whole deal?
+This is Professor John Frink, isn't it?
+If I say no, do I still win?
+I'll tell Professor Frink he's won. Tack för att ni förärat vår stad.
+Yumping Yiminy!
+Great glayvin in a glass! The Nobel Prize. They must have awarded it to me for my invention of a hammer with a screwdriver on the other end. It's mildly convenient.
+Just for that?
+It was a slow year, yes.
+I only wish my dear father were here to see me win.
+Is there a problem with your father?
+Well, our relationship was never great. Mother used to say we got along like positrons and anti-neutrinos. Oh yes! I'm a geek.
+I was always a disappointment to him. You see, he was one of those he-man scientists who worked on the atom bomb by day and slept with Marilyn Monroe by night and sold secrets to the Russians at lunch.
+The last time I saw him alive, he was going to study sharks.
+I don't want to go on this oceanographic expedition, Father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean but nauseous.
+Clean but nauseous with the rolling and the heaving and the you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdlebaum Frink.
+But father, I...
+We never spoke again.
+Well where is he now? Maybe I can help you two patch up your differences.
+Uh, you'll need to patch up more than that.
+Did a shark do that?
+Yes, he was testing out a new blood-based suntan lotion.
+You know, now that I have my hammer-screwdriver I could reanimate him.
+Without the needless switching of tools. Well, that's always tedious and annoying.
+I'm alive! With the breathing and the tingling and the what's this radiator where my pupik should be?
+Poppa, you're back! Now, we had to replace several vital organs with machinery, but that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except you have no penis. In the uh, traditional sense.
+So, what am I, some kind of a tin can man from Planet Tomorrow?
+Sir, your son has brought you into the twenty-first century. It's a lot like the twentieth, except everybody's afraid and the stock market is much lower.
+Polly don't like that cracker. I'm getting me a real spleen, and then I'm gonna vent it on you, boychik.
+Ay, shoving
+It almost sounded like he plans to tear organs out of living people!
+Well, that's my dad -- you can't stop him.
+Hey, Seven Hundred Club. You look like a healthy specimen.
+Well, I did finish first in the Walk For The Cure... of homosexuality.
+Say ah, baby.
+Ahhhh...
+I'm dying! And there's Heaven. But who's that? Confucius? And Milton Berle? Boy, have I been barkin' up the wrong tree.
+Nice posture.
+Oh, thank you. Mother always said a curvy spine is the devil's roller coaster.
+Hey, you can't have that--
+Lost your spine, huh? You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me.
+There you are.
+Have you stopped to think about who you're hurting with this rampage?
+The people I've killed?
+No -- your son! On the biggest day of his life, when he accepts the Nobel Prize, you're not gonna be there.
+Oh, dear God. I've let my organ lust come between me and my son.
+But it's not too late. You can still fly to Stockholm.
+Well, it'd better be first class. Comic Book Guy's ass won't fit in coach.
+You may keep my posterior... just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo.
+He explored the behavior of individual molecules in a chemical reaction. She's the sexy star of Alias. Please welcome Nobel laureate Dr. Dudley Herschbach and Emmy Nominee Jennifer Garner.
+You know, Dr. Herschbach, our jobs are actually not that different.
+I disagree. Winner of the Nobel Prize in physics: Professor John Frink.
+Thank you. This is a tremendous honor, however I can't help being somewhat disheartened that my father has become a marauding ghoul...
+Not anymore, son.
+I'm here to accept the Nobel Prize -- for stupid. Can you forgive me?
+Good glayvin, Dad. You've made receiving the Nobel Prize the happiest day of my life.
+Oh, the hug is good.
+This is what the Nobel prize is all about. The science and the love and that physics we call quantum. Ain't that right, people?
+What a great crowd. You all have such big hearts and such... big brains. With large juicy dripping with knowledge heads... that's it, I'm going smorgasbord on these Poindexters.
+And I thought Halle Berry went nuts during her acceptance speech.
+I wish I was Death again. That was cool.
+Every brain unlocks more secrets of the universe. Muffins are surprisingly high in calories! The pyramids were actually built by Sears!
+He's right! It all checks out!
+This is more violent than the Hip Hop Awards. You've got to stop your father!
+Yes, but how?
+He's sixty-three years old... pressure points here... and here... room temperature is twenty-two degrees Celsius... yes, this should just about do it.
+Oh father... you're dying again. But I can bring you back to life, sir.
+Son, it doesn't take five brains in your head to know that's a bad idea.
+You saw I'd become a monster and you stopped me like a man. I'm proud of you. And now it's time for me to go to Hell. Ow, oo, oo ow, oy... oy oo ow, dead.
+This is the most exciting Nobel Prize ceremony ever.
+I disagree.
+It must be tough to win the Nobel Prize and lose your father on the same day.
+Oh, I didn't really lose my father. Thanks to my latest invention, the soul catcher. Let's bring it out and look at it.
+I may be a soul, but I'm hungry. Can you throw in a little matzoh? Maybe a nice piece of fish.
+Why of course, father. Allow me to satisfy your Hebraic desires.
+That's a good shmendeleh.
+Oh, I've waited so long to hear you say that. What does it mean? Is it dirty?
+Ooh baby! Did I find something to throw out today! If you like space in the attic, are you gonna be happy!
+Cool! Comics from the seventies!
+"Superman vs. Patty Hearst," "Evel Knievel Jumps The Jackson 5," "Batman and Rhoda"...
+Check out these ads!
+Let's see... x-ray gum...
+Cool... Milhouse, do you have your change purse?
+Always!
+Here you go, son.
+"To stop time, click watch."
+Wow, she looks like a background character in a Hanna Barbera cartoon!
+To restart time, click watch again.
+What the...?!
+Lisa, that's a filthy habit.
+If we're both touching the watch, neither of us will be affected.
+Do you realize what this means?
+Yeah, but you say it first.
+We can do anything we want!
+Let's get really far ahead on our homework! Wait 'til the other kids see we're already on the red unit of "Adventures In Reading."
+Due to budget cuts, music class will now have a two drink minimum. Cranapple juice only counts as one. And....
+My slacks! have descended!
+I can't go on...
+People, Springfield is in crisis. Fingers have been shoved up noses, pants have been pulled down, and...
+Mayors... have... been... repeatedly... humiliated. Dammit!
+I thought our mysterious pranksters might be here tonight, so I covered the meeting hall with ultraviolet powder.
+Behold the perpetrators!
+It was those guys!
+Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess.
+That was close.
+Bart, look at the watch!
+Milhouse! You broke the watch! Do you realize what this means?
+Yeah, but you say it first.
+Oh, man. Things are stuck like this forever.
+Well, I couldn't be happier. I'm the second coolest kid on earth.
+Actually, I guess we can do anything we want... and no one will stop us.
+I'm gonna play naked basketball!
+No you're not.
+The family looks good.
+Thanks. I just washed them.
+That keeps happening.
+Can I punch Oscar de la Hoya for a while?
+Just keep it above the belt.
+You know, Milhouse? I thought I'd love eating only frosting and giving the Pope a wedgie...
+But I miss being a regular kid in the real world, gettin' a hug from my Mom...
+Yeah, I thought I'd be happy with my parents back together, but it's kind of hollow.
+All right. It says here we can learn watch repair in eight one-hour lessons.
+Boy, that took forever.
+Yeah, well I work better in a structured environment.
+Here goes nothin'...
+Wait, when people see all the stuff we did, they're gonna want to kill us.
+Yeah, and I can't run too fast after fifteen years of eating nothing but Gummi Worms.
+I'm gonna quit tomorrow, I swear!
+What we need is a scapegoat.
+Okay, acting natural aaand...
+To repeat what I said a moment ago: "You are so dead."
+Dios Mio! This kid is fun to hit!
+Why is Bart so tall? And shaggy?
+Just one of life's mysteries, like why is my nose jammed full of army men?
+Oh come on, don't you get it? Bart stopped time with his magic stopwatch.
+Jealous much?
+Why can't I tinker with the fabric of existence?
+Let the baby have her bottle.
+What happens if I press this button?
+Sorry, sorry, sorry!
+Okay, that's good! Stop there!
+It's too nice a day to be outside doing chores. Come in and watch TV.
+Woo hoo! Mom finally stopped caring!
+Don't go inside -- it's a trap!
+Yeah, she must have some kind of super-chore in there! Like getting the rat out of Maggie's room!
+I'm not fooling around, people! Park your keisters in front of that TV! Now!
+This counts as a bath!
+The irrepressible hundred-year-old sky diver will be buried as soon as his body is found. Now, it's time for the Channel Six "Oops Patrol!"
+This week one eagle-eyed viewer spotted this hilarious headline.
+"Mayor unveils erection to cheering crowd." This week's "Oops Patrol" T-shirt goes to...
+Whom? Whom?
+...Mrs. Marge Simpson of Springfield.
+Mom made the Oops Patrol! Hot damn!
+Bart, you're not at school. Don't swear!
+What an amusing T-shirt, Marge. I'll trade you for a tote bag that says "PROZAC."
+No thanks. I'm wearing my cure for depression.
+Come on, give me that shirt. I'll put you at the top of the heart transplant list.
+My heart is fine.
+It could always be a little better.
+Honey, this is your moment in the sun. And I couldn't be more pleased for your happiness.
+Why was I born?
+Oh T-shirt. Bless the loom that fruited you.
+Win your own T-shirt!
+Gotta win a T-shirt. Gotta win a T-shirt.
+Okay, get ready to laugh!
+"Cranford Man Missing." What's he missing? His pants? A train? Gimme a break!
+Too soon, huh?
+All right. "Drought threatens to turn west into dessert"? Yum, yum. I think I'd like some whipped cream on my Wyoming!
+Dad, the word's "desert." And those farmers are suffering!
+From what, too much hot fudge? Huh? C'mon Bart, show me some love!
+Don't drag me down with you, old man.
+This is what happens when I go for six hours without sleep.
+"Peace talks break down." No. "For sale, Ford Festiva..." I'll put that in the "maybes." I gotta get that T-shirt.
+World's Biggest Pizza?!
+Oh my God!
+Marge, wake up! The newspaper is talking to me!
+Oh, relax. I'm sure it's just your brain going crazy.
+I wish! Look at this headline.
+Someone, or something, knows I love oversized food and short, punchy articles. So they hid a message in the first letter of each line. See: "HOMER, MEET ME 4TH STREET OVERPASS, MIDNITE."
+Wait a minute. This is today's paper. That meeting is tonight!
+Don't tell me you're actually going.
+Marge, I don't know what this is, but sometimes you've just gotta go with your gut.
+You always go with your gut. This time, why don't you listen to your brain?
+All right, I will.
+That's why I don't listen to my brain. And away we go!
+Psst. Hey pal. Hey buddy. Wake up. Wanna go on an adventure with your old man?
+You have no choice.
+There's coffee in the thermos.
+This is boring. Can't we go home? This overpass smells like urine.
+They all do.
+Fresh urine.
+Hey, the bathroom's a block away.
+Homer Simpson!
+Aww, still my little crybaby.
+I'll save you, Dad!
+Ka-ra-té!
+Gramma!
+Oh Bart, are you still a little hell-raiser?
+Mom? You're back. Just like you were back before, then you left me again. I love you so much, but it's so hard for me to trust you. Oh, what the heck.
+Give me a hug, you.
+Homer, you're hugging a bum.
+I know! I'm working my way up to you.
+Hey! Give me back my wine!
+Sorry about all the cloak and dagger Homer, but the government is still after me for what I did in the sixties. They're probably tapping your phones and reading your mail.
+I think the government has better things to do than to read my mail.
+What a shrill, pointless decade.
+Most people write letters to movie stars. This Simpson guy writes to movies. "Dear Die Hard, you rock. Especially when that guy was on the roof. P.S. Do you know Mad Max?"
+To reach you, I called up my friends in the liberal media and planted that story about the giant pizza.
+You sure know me, Mom.
+Pizza was the first food he choked on.
+Aww. So, why are you back in town?
+I saw this macaroni pencil-holder Homer made me, and I realized how much I missed him.
+I made this when I was five. I had to do something -- your pencils were all over the place.
+Hey, it was the sixties.
+Is that fugitive radical Mona Simpson?
+Yeah, and that's Tokyo Rose moppin' the floor.
+Hey Joe, your girlfriend sleeps with Tyrone Power.
+Chief, I think we've got a match here.
+All right, let's check it out. But if you're wrong, you and Lou have to kiss each other.
+Chief, I checked with the union. You can only do that once.
+Cora, is there a back way outta here?
+Not for someone who tips nine per cent.
+Right through there, Santa Claus.
+Mom, I swear on your eventual grave I will never, ever, let the police get their hands on you. Uh-oh.
+You guys are damn lucky. All you destroyed were bricks, mortar and attorneys.
+Remember me... as a drain on society.
+Captured '60s radical Mona J. Simpson goes on trial today on decades-old charges of sabotaging the C. Montgomery Burns Germ Warfare Lab. For those of you too young to remember the sixties, here's our stock montage.
+You bet your sweet bippy.
+During her years on the lam, Simpson led an exemplary life, working as a crossing guard, oral historian, reader for the blind, listener for the deaf, and reacher for the short.
+Yet, local villain Montgomery Burns -- seen here terrorizing children in a nineteenth-century woodcut--
+--insists that she stand trial.
+Kent, I want everyone in your radio picture audience to know that this woman is a menace to decent people and germ warriors everywhere.
+End communication.
+Now Lisa, would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet, harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society?
+Oh, definitely. If you ask me, she's far less dangerous than Bart.
+If it please the court, I would like to go ape on my sister.
+I object!
+Judge, sidebar?
+Very well.
+Judge, do you have a little sister?
+Yes. She used to call me Fatty-boomalatty. I'll allow an Indian burn.
+Thank you, your honor.
+Your honor, can you please focus on the case at hand?
+I'm sorry, my wife left me this morning.
+Now, I'm not a man who's good with words...
+You gotta say somethin', she's lookin' at twenty years. And my legal license expires in fifteen minutes.
+I barely know my mother. And every time I see her, she's taken away again. And when a man doesn't have his mother, he winds up like me.
+I mean, I'm due back in this same courtroom three times today. Hell, I torched a blood bank. One cookie my ass! Please, please, give me back my mommy.
+Your honor, there is no way we can find this defendant guilty.
+Although I will miss the jury room cold cuts. And the Quality Inn more than lived up to its name.
+Case dismissed!
+Business center, workout room, an honor bar I was honored to use...
+That's enough.
+And Peggy in the coffee shop, what a pistol. A mere nod in her direction and the refill was in the mug.
+The jets in the whirlpool anticipated my every move. When it was working. And three dollars for a local call? They should be the ones on trial!
+Oh Mom, I'm so happy! I never want to let you go!
+Mom, I never want to let you go.
+I'm not your mother.
+Look, lady. Just keep hugging 'til we get to Mexico.
+Mother...
+Go hug your floozy.
+Mother, she's right here.
+She knows I'm kidding. I'm not kidding.
+Curse that "Groovy Granny"! This is America. Justice should favor the rich!
+Uh, Sir maybe you could use a few huffs from your ether bottle.
+Oh man, that's good "E."
+Well, now that I'm free, I intend to be a better mother to my son.
+Woo hoo! I can be a little boy again!
+A boy who gets some on the side.
+Oh, baby! Now you're free to come back to me!
+Dad, you testified against her!
+I read a book that said women like jerks.
+Look Mom, look! I'm riding by myself!
+Homer, this really isn't necessary.
+You weren't around for the birth of your grandson, and I want you to see it.
+Wah, wah, wah. Ain't I cute? You owe me a dirt bike.
+Hey guys, I brought my Mom.
+Lenny Leonard? I haven't seen you since you were this high.
+I can jump off the high dive!
+Carl Carlson, I remember when you, Lenny and Stevie MacGregor were like the Three Musketeers.
+Yeah, poor Stevie. They never found his head.
+Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for twenty years... God bless ya.
+Welcome to your room, Mom. I want you to stay here forever.
+Homer, it's perfect.
+Doesn't this armoire belong to Mr. Flanders?
+You stole this entire room from Ned Flanders' house!
+Oh well, you snooze you lose. But uh, can I have my photo albums back?
+Now get out of my house.
+And so in the spirit of fence-mending and grudge-not-bearing, I hereby rename the Burns Germ Warfare Lab The Grandma Simpson Peace Museum and Kid-teractive Learnatorium.
+Grandma Simpson, will you be the first to sign the museum's guest book?
+It'd be a real pleasure. You know, when I was on the run, I always had to sign a fake name, like when I visited a state park...
+Indeed. How about a national park?
+Why yes.
+I've got it all on this dictabelt. Move in, boys!
+What's going on?
+Supplying false information on a national park register is a federal offense...
+Which you've committed at every national park, from Acadia to Zion. You're going away for a long time, Mrs. Simpson. Or should I call you...
+Anita Bong-hitt?
+No! I can't lose my mother again! Don't take her away!
+Stop messing with him, the man lost his mother.
+Just one more time.
+Okay. It is pretty funny.
+Dad, I'm just as sad as you are. What happened to Grandma is an outrage.
+How do you figure?
+She was acquitted. Then they put her back in jail on a technicality.
+You're right. People should only be let out of jail on technicalities.
+Well, they're transferring Grandma to a federal prison tomorrow. I say we hit 'em where they live... with a candlelight vigil!
+Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea. We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison.
+I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON...
+Now just the innocent!
+I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON...
+Now just the really innocent!
+I hope this bus ride never ends. 'Cause I'm gettin' executed when I get off.
+Okay, boy. Flip through those highway warnings 'til we find one that'll stop that bus.
+Bo-ring.
+Haw haw, loser!
+Geez, pal.
+Will you look at that.
+Homer! What on Earth are you doing?
+Mom, I love you! I can't let you go to prison!
+Who's the wheel man, Granny?
+It's my son, Homer.
+Isn't he darling?
+He's a big one!
+Oh, stop it.
+Take care, ladies. I'm sure you can make it back to the prison on your own.
+We will!
+You're all right, donut breath.
+You're like the son I never killed.
+Mom, I'm gonna hide you where there's no one around for miles... Disney's California Adventure.
+Homer, get out now and no one will ever know you were involved.
+No, you're my mother and I won't leave you!
+If you stay here, you'll be abandoning your family the way I abandoned you.
+Yeah, that did mess me up pretty bad. But I'm not gonna leave you.
+I see you've made your choice.
+I love you, Homer.
+Ooh, that's lucky.
+Brambles! Briars!
+Granny to the Man, Granny to the Man.
+This is "the Man." I think it'd be a gas if you turned that magic bus around, and kept on truckin' to our pig pad.
+I don't know what you're saying, but I Am not turning back.
+Then listen to me, lady. The only way you're gettin' off this mountain is in a box. Or a funicular.
+What about a hot air balloon?
+Pipe down, Jules Verne.
+Go Mom! You can do it!
+There's still air in that bus, so for the next five minutes, this is a rescue mission.
+Make that a salvage mission.
+Okay, everyone take some "free time." Eh, we'll, see you tomorrow at ten.
+Grandma, you'll always be an inspiration to me.
+You taught me a criminal can evade the law well into old age.
+Thanks for the meatloaf recipe. I claim it as my own.
+Mona, I'll always remember raspberry trolley cars... because my mind is shot.
+Your last act as a mom was to make me a better dad. But at least now I'll never lose you again.
+Homer, it's two in the morning.
+I couldn't sleep, because I thought there might be a sign of my Mom in one of these articles. They never did find her body.
+Then what was in the coffin?
+Last week's garbage. I missed the pick-up date. But it doesn't matter, because my Mom is alive. See?
+"I-M-O--,i-m-o--,1
+91096,315,285,Homer Simpson: --K". Get it? "I am OK."
+Okay, Homie. If it makes you feel better, I think your Mom's all right, too.
+Hey, as long as we're thinking about her, Grandma's still alive.
+C'mon, big guy. This'll help you get to sleep.
+Homer, your mother loves you...
+I escaped...
+...from the bus the moment before it plunged off the cliff.
+I then hitched a ride from a nice young couple.
+We had lunch at a lovely diner. They had clam chowder... Rhode Island style! I never knew there was such a thing. And the crackers kept on coming...
+Ooh boy, casino night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.
+I really shouldn't be here -- I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.
+Aw Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system.
+Bet... system... betting system! God is telling me to gamble!
+Deal! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Busted!
+Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So relax, have fun and, please God, don't piss me off.
+I'm so proud of you Lisa.
+Congratulations Mr. Student Body President -- your casino night is a huge success.
+Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of "Saved By The Bell."
+That was always on too late for me.
+I'll put everything on lucky seventeen.
+Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
+Woo-hoo!
+And the winner is, seventeen!
+This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a Playstation One!
+I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.
+Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip, or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.
+I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like. Like you!
+But I'm up two hundred thousand dollars! Give me my money!
+You think I won't manhandle a little boy?!
+You don't understand -- it's not real money! None of these people have won any money!
+Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday...
+Look at me! I'm a big man!
+But I break... just like a little girl.
+Well, this was a disaster.
+I should have known. The same thing happened on "Saved by the Bell."
+Care for a milk?
+No thank you.
+Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president.
+I'll have that milk now.
+Easy there. That's whole milk.
+I'm a private citizen now, I can drink what I like.
+You won't have Martin Prince to kick around any more.
+Well, I guess we're gonna need a new student body president.
+We're from Acme Amusement Rental. We're lookin' for Principal Skinner.
+Uh... yes, we all are.
+Hey... student body president...
+I could join past presidents. Like Otto... or Krusty!
+Nelson, you're running for President?
+I'm not sayin' I have all the answers. But I do have all the answer keys. To every test.
+Fractions? Dinosaurs? Foreign money? The first Thanksgiving?
+Nelson, what are you doing?
+Real estate license exam?
+My ticket to freedom!
+Nelson! Nelson!
+I'm doomed.
+I can't beat Nelson.
+Why don't you start a rumor that he's...ding-a-ling-a-ling hello-oo!
+Oh, what a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata.
+I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me.
+La, la, la...
+Honey, you could be popular, you've just got to be yourself... in a whole new way.
+No, I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration: fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options...
+My name is Nelthon! I use a thalad fork. La-dee-dah! I wash my face!
+Where did you get that tutu?
+Clothesline.
+... and we deserve a French teacher who actually speaks French. J'accuse, Monsieur Kupferberg!
+What's she yakkin' about?
+I rest my case.
+Nelson, rebuttal?
+Yo everyone, it's me, Nelson.
+Nel-son! Nel-son! Nel-son!
+My pleasure, Sir.
+I'M NOT THAT COOL, I DON'T WEAR JEANS / I'VE POLISHED AN APPLE OR TWO / BUT EVERY GRADE THAT I GRUBBED, I GRUBBED IT FOR YOU... / SO CALL ME BOOKWORM / BUT I'LL NEVER SQUIRM, WHEN THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE / YES I'LL TAKE MY LUNCH AT MY DESK / WHILE YOU'RE ALL OUTSIDE HAVING FUN...
+DON'T VOTE FOR ME, KIDS OF SPRINGFIELD / UNLESS YOU WANT AN EFFECTIVE LEADER / I'LL TALK TO TEACHERS / I'LL HANDLE SKINNER / A VOTE FOR LISA / MAKES YOU THE WINNER...
+VOTE LI-SA! VOTE LI-SA! VOTE LI-SA!
+Hey, I've got a song too.
+I AM IRON MAN DO DO DO DO DO DO DO VOTE FOR ME... Eh, screw it.
+"Lisa..." "Lisa..." "Lisa..." Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Skinner Sucks."
+Skinner!! I'm worried. This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself. She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.
+The students will do anything she says. She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.
+Hm, yeah. Well we've got to find a way to control her.
+Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you hired has some sort of toxin in his shack...
+Yes, hello Willie.
+Well, if you ask me, a woman's weakness is her sense of vanity.
+Vanity? You might have something there, Edna.
+So, when's my inauguration?
+Hm, let's see, uh, when Hell freezes over, tough guy.
+You wanted to see me?
+Actually, Lisa...
+I wanted you to see you. You're our President now, but you look like the first lady of "yawn"!
+What would you change?
+EYES / PEARLS / SMILE / HAIR POINTS / DRESS / VOICE / SHOES / SWATCH WATCH
+You're like Geraldine Ferraro, except you won, where she failed miserably.
+I MAY BE THE NEW GIRL / BUT YOU CAN'T BRAINWASH ME / JUST OSH-KOSH-B'GOSH ME / AND THEN LEAVE ME BE /
+TO FIGHT FOR KID-POWER / I MUST BE HEARD NOT SEEN / I HAVE TO LEAD WISELY / NOT JUST PRIMP AND PREEN!
+NAILS / DIMPLES / EARS / SCRUNCHIE / PURSE / LUNCHBOX / TEETH / MILHOUSE
+THIS CUTE-ING-UP SUITS ME / THERE'S BEAUTY WITHIN ME / SO LET'S OLSEN-TWIN ME / GIVE THEM SOMEONE TO LOVE
+THIS GROWN-UP MAKEOVER / HAS MADE ME A SUPER-TWEEN / FOR THEY ARE MY PEOPLE / AND I AM THEIR QUEEN!
+Lisa, you look so successful. Like you're the wife of a businessman.
+I wish I'd married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things.
+Well, it's a little over the top, but there's no reason I can't look good and take back the playground from the gypsies.
+Is our Frisbee now.
+Hey, Lisa! Can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running.
+Make it snappy, Milhouse. I've got an important meeting in the teachers' lounge.
+The teachers' lounge. Is it true they make fun of students in there?
+Oh, don't be silly.
+Look at me, I'm Milhouse! I tuck me shirt into me underpants!
+And I've got no friends, so I confide in Willie!
+Oh hello, Lisa. We were just uh, discussing Vasco De Gama.
+Well, I have some ideas for ways we can improve the classroom experience.
+We need to get teachers more involved! Have them meet with struggling kids in the morning before school.
+Fine. I'll come in early to meet with students. And I'll have hypnotherapy when?
+Or, we could hand out teachers' home phone numbers -- ­so kids can call them whenever they have questions.
+I've got a question: you're crazy.
+Look, in the Swedish public schools, the students grade the teachers on their performance--
+Outstanding notions! Each more implementable than the last.
+It's a shame you can't stay to discuss them. Here's your schedule for the day.
+"Photo op helping Kindergartners take off snow boots..." "Move the brushfire hazard needle..." Um, shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy?
+Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed. Don't hide your light in a smoky back room, making dusty old decisions.
+Well, I am proud of my light.
+But just in case you want to do any more thinking, I'm proud to present you with an official key to the study hall.
+Use it anytime you like.
+You mean I can come to the school after hours, weekends, even during the summer?
+Yes, it's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder. Just sign these authorization forms and you can be on your way.
+That little girl should learn to read things before she signs them.
+Excuse me? I was wondering if I should read what I just signed.
+No, it's just standard key release boilerplate.
+Boy, she'll believe anything.
+Key release boilerplate? I find that very hard to believe.
+Uh hmm. And yet there it is.
+I'll just lock this door.
+Boy, this key opens everything.
+And then, as school president, I don't have to take the hearing test.
+Well, I think I can say with all humility, I am gonna be the best school president ever.
+Bravo, Lisa. Bra-vo.
+Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.
+I was being sarcastic.
+You were?
+No. I was being sincere.
+Oh, I'm so confused.
+Lis, Skinner is using you. Like a pawn on his unholy chess set.
+On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars.
+I'M SO HAPPY WITH MY EVIL PLAN / SAY GOODBYE TO MUSIC, GYM AND ART / SOON WE WILL HAVE THE PERFECT SCHOOL / WHERE FUN AND EXCITEMENT NEVER START!
+I'M SO DRUNK I CAN BARELY SEE...
+BUT IT HELPS ME GET THROUGH ANOTHER DAY / MY STOMACH IS FILLED WITH HAGGIS AND HURT / I'VE GOT TO GO PUKE IN SOME HAY.
+LISA IS A FOOL!
+I THINK THE RULES ARE COOL!
+I'VE FALLEN IN THE POOL!
+Hmm, not a cloud in the sky -- a perfect day to unveil Operation SLAAAM: So Long Athletics Art And Music. Care for a T-shirt?
+T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "Male Prostitute"?
+Oh well... I... Forgive me, sir.
+They've taken everything!
+Look what they've done to my triangle!
+I'm doing it! I'm almost to the top! Hello, self-esteem!
+Repo man!
+I love this job.
+"All extra-curricular activities are hereby canceled, to be replaced by nothing."
+Who would sign such an order?
+As ordered by Principal Skinner and approved by student body president Lisa Simpson!
+And to think I was gonna ask you to the dance.
+I would have gone with you.
+Well, you still can.
+Well, I don't feel like it now.
+That's cool.
+Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
+Look, they're taking away the art room!
+I'll be cookin' ma Lean Cuisine in your kiln tonight.
+WHAT HAVE I DONE?
+WHAT THEY WANTED YOU TO.
+SKINNER BETRAYED ME!
+BUT A TANGO TAKES TWO!
+I almost had a date. I've gotta tell Willie about this.
+Lisa is a sell-out! Lisa is a sell-out! Lisa, what's a sell-out?
+With the band gone, how'll I know who to beat up?
+They eliminated "English for Fat Kids"!
+Okay, you'll do.
+Lis, you made this school even worse. And it wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.
+They made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name.
+Lisa, you've got to stand up to these guys. And when you do, people will remember you. Just look at these postage stamps.
+There's Bugs Bunny... Fat Elvis... Autumn in New England... Bats of the Southwest... all heroes. Wanna see Elvis kiss a bat? Hey baby come here lemme kiss you...
+Squeak, squeak, squeak. No, don't kiss me.
+You tricked me into betraying my fellow students!
+Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a placemat.
+And not a good placemat. It's from some place called "Doodles."
+I see. Principal Skinner, may I make an announcement to the school?
+I can't see the harm.
+I hereby resign as your president. And for my last act, I call a general student strike, effective immediately!
+Gimme that. Any student caught striking will be severely disciplined. Unless all of you do it. Then I'm stymied.
+Strike! Strike! Strike!
+Lisa, please. Help me lure them back. I had to do what I did. Our budget is stretched tighter than mother's sauna pants.
+Seymour!
+Quit using me in analogies!
+Yes, mother.
+Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back music and art.
+What about gym?
+Hey, hey, Seymour S., Nurture our well-roundedness! / Sneeze, puke, burp, fart, / We want music, gym and art!
+Why didn't I cancel sign-making and creative chanting?
+Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programs?
+Would you be willing to pay an extra dollar twenty-three in taxes to fund them?
+No way! I'm saving for a speedboat!
+Strike! Strike!
+Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of troublemaking I expect from your brother.
+You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem.
+Mom, I was elected to make this a better school.
+Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym?
+They've taken away our crepe paper.
+Those Fudruckers!
+Oh no, they heard me.
+Remember boys, these are little kids. Take out your tiny batons.
+Ugh... oh... umph... Oh, Smithers, guide me in.
+Chief Wiggum, we're just like you policemen. Don't you ever feel like the mayor doesn't care about you?
+You mean the mayor who kept me waiting for two hours in that restaurant? I ate so much bread! Sit down, boys. We're joining this strike.
+Uh, Chief, are you sure the Mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you?
+Well, I can't take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now, now can I?
+Yes, Chief, you could.
+Let me ask you this. Shut up.
+The Springfield student strike has entered its fourth day with no end in sight. Today, professional buttinski Michael Moore arrived on the scene:
+Kids who don't get to take music and art are ten per cent more likely to become chronically unemployed and appear in one of my movies.
+Where did you get this statistic?
+Your mother.
+The student strikers have been joined by other unions, including the Springfield Goat Milkers... the Association of Newsroom Cue Card Holders...
+Ow. And the United Federation of Theme Park Zombies.
+Zombie eat brains but zombie cannot swallow this injustice.
+The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say:
+Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber butt. Every time she turns around it goes "putt putt."
+Indeed. But that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.
+Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.
+Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?
+They're wee children. I'd sooner turn it on maself!
+Well, that's a good idea, too.
+Now see here ya nose-wipin' hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.
+Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor. But I say, cut off the head and the body will die.
+You want to get rid of Lisa?! But she's such a good student!
+Yes. In fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.
+If we stand together, we are strong!
+Lisa Simpson, you have just been transferred to the Springfield magnet school for the gifted and troublesome. Please climb into the idling bus.
+But... but I...
+POOR LI-SA / POOR LI-SA...
+DON'T CRY FOR ME KIDS OF SPRINGFIELD / YOU CAN STILL REACH ME THROUGH E-MAIL / AT SMART GIRL SIX THREE / UNDERSCORE BACK SLASH / AT YAHOO DOT COM / AT YAHOO DOT COM...
+Bonjour, Lisa. Regardez notre bibliothèque.
+Oh, this place is paradise.
+Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all. Just like my last massage.
+I'm not driving forty-five minutes a day! You can't go to that school!
+But this is my dream.
+Why can't you have a normal dream, like being an Olympic figure skater?
+Okay, let me take figure skating.
+Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at six-thirty every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me!
+Well, what can I be?
+I'unno. How 'bout a horse whisperer?
+Over my dead body!
+Look, Smithers... crackle-berries! Spot me a federal, will you?
+Sir, I've spotted you over a hundred thousand dollars this year. Perhaps you could carry your own money.
+Money is for the poor.
+Why don't you use your ATM card?
+Ah yes, the automated teller machine-eola-trola-maton.
+Smithers, what's my password?
+It's your age, Sir.
+Excellent.
+Let's see... what's the smallest amount of money I can think of? A thousand dollars!
+My moolah! It's escaping my clutches!
+Your kid sucks!
+Bring it on!
+Hockey dads -- commence fighting!
+"Hockey Dad" rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski!
+Dad, stop! It's only assault... don't make it murder!
+Ignore, ignore!
+You are a big man! Big man!
+Umm... there's a ladybug in your hair.
+Get it out! Get it out!
+Got it!
+You're a good friend, Bart.
+The best you'll ever have.
+One thousand dollars. Do you know how much furniture we could rent with this?
+You'll rent nothing! This money is mine. I found it!
+Which means someone lost it. You'll have to put up flyers and see if anyone claims it.
+Marge, this is why people don't tell you things.
+Well, we put up a flyer.
+Let's see someone claim that money now.
+Hey, what does that flyer say?
+What if it's for guitar lessons? We must know!
+I'm on it!
+You know the drill. Try to land on my back-fat.
+Can you describe the bill?
+Describe. Sure, of course.
+Whose picture is on it?
+Uh... it would have to be somebody famous... I'm gonna say Hitler?
+Um, does the bill have bank teller blood on it?
+No, it doesn't.
+I'm sorry I wasted your time.
+That's the last of them. You did the right thing, Bart, and now you can keep the money.
+Sweet! What am I gonna do with a thousand dollars?
+IT'S BART'S MOON PARTY FROM OUTER SPACE / WITH R2-D2 PLAYING THE BASS...
+No one's touching the hors d'oeuvres.
+IT'S BART'S MOON PARTY FROM OUTER SPACE...
+Bart, why don't you spend the money on something for Mom? She does so much for us.
+Well... someday I'd like to go on a nice vacation.
+We've gone on plenty of great vacations.
+Yeah, but you always wind up kidnapped, or on a chain gang... and I don't even want to get into what happened on our honeymoon.
+I still don't know why you had that photo enlarged.
+Oh, forget it. Bart, don't waste your money on me.
+Great lady.
+Look at the cross-hatching on Grover Cleveland's tie...
+...I completely buy the illusion of shadow!
+This must be worth like a million dollars.
+Time's up. Beat it, doo-rags.
+Aww, I wanna see it some more!
+If you let me keep looking at it I'll give you a quarter.
+Hm, this gives me an idea.
+What's all this other stuff?
+Hey, I'm charging five bucks to get in. They deserve to see the boy behind the bill.
+Bart, that exhibit over there is biased, insensitive and anti-feminist.
+You can't whitewash history, Lis.
+What do I get if I join the museum as a "friend of Bart"?
+A subscription to "BartForum" magazine, , and Bart will say "eat my shorts" on your home answering machine.
+How much to have Bart crank-call me? That would be hilarious. Eh, that's just me, though. You know, I love to laugh.
+Young man, I believe you have something that belongs to me.
+Prove it, Bony Curtis.
+When the errant bill struck my chest, it left a distinctive bruise. Had my heart been inside at the time, it could have been fatal.
+It's a perfect match!
+Without that bill, this ain't a museum. The Hard Rock Café in Phoenix has better crap.
+I'm recycling this pin in disgust.
+Bart, your museum took in over three thousand dollars!
+Finally, I can get what I've always wanted... a used Toyota.
+Bart, I don't care what Mom said. I think you should use this money to take her on a nice vacation.
+Well... okay. For Mom, I'll do it. Where should we go?
+Well, I'd like to return to Brazil. But I hear the monkey problem is even worse now.
+I want to go to England.
+How come?
+Back in nineteen forty-four, I was stationed over there and I met a beautiful girl...
+Anything for you, my brave Yank.
+I say. Ooh, nice.
+Little did I know I really was shipping out in the morning.
+But I did -- until just now.
+Grampa, that's so romantic! We gotta go to England!
+That sounds great -- But only if your father promises to behave.
+Marge, I'll be on my best behavior -- you have my word as a gentleman and a lady. Now let's see, which rifle should I bring?
+Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom.
+Prime Minister Tony Blair!?
+Why are you greeting low-lifes like us at the airport?
+Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of twenty-first century Britain.
+Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?
+No. But thank you.
+Tony... I mean Mr. Prime Minister... what should we see first?
+There's so much to see here: Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the white cliffs of Dover... Oh, and you Americans love castles -- there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
+The place I was born is now a gator farm.
+Smashing.
+Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country.
+I'd love to, but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.
+Wow. I can't believe we met Mr. Bean.
+England is so classy. Every cab has its own butler.
+Actually, I'm not a butler. I had already hired this cab when you got in, but the more the merrier and all that.
+Make with the tea, Jeeves.
+Yes, very good, sir.
+We're bigshot tourists from everyone's favorite country: the USA. We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant. So give me some free maps, and none of that dry British wit.
+I wouldn't dream of it, sir.
+Thank you.
+Did you spend an unforgettable night with a soldier from the U.S. Army in 1944? You did? Was he from the first infantry division? He was? And was he a gentle caring lover? He was? Sorry I bothered you.
+I don't know if I'm ever gonna find her.
+Aw Dad, I wish there was something I could do.
+Touch that mini bar and you're dead!
+Look, it's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.
+Thank you, young muggle.
+Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
+He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
+All right, who's hungry? We're right near a Judi Dench's Fish and Chips.
+Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish and Chips.
+Now completely free of "Mad Fish Disease."
+Fish? I don't know, I'm not really a vegetarian...
+Please order, or Miss Dench will be furious. She'll beat us, she will!
+Who are you talking to?
+No one, mum, I swear!
+I'll mum you!
+Blimey.
+Well, Marge, you've gotta admit. I've been on my best behavior this trip.
+You punched out three people on the street.
+That was over soccer results! Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box?
+Do you understand any part of what you just said?
+I understand the word "gave." Unless it means something else in this country.
+Word to the wise, British candy is a bit sweeter than what you're used to across the pond.
+Look, teabag, just fork over the brown.
+Homie, I don't think we'll be able to find the kids from up here.
+Now, now, let's just look... there's Big Ben, there's Piccadilly Circus, there's Jimmy Page, one of the greatest thieves of American black music who ever walked the earth. Bup, there's the kids.
+Look at those filthy urchins. Surely they could never be taught proper manners.
+One gold sovereign says I could do just that.
+It's a bet, Lord Daftwager.
+You can't bet on my kids. This is America, pal!
+Don't worry, we'll find more wagers.
+I love you, Lord Daftwager.
+Yes. And I you.
+Oh, look at all these classy British plays.
+I don't have a cherry orchard.
+Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor!
+Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play.
+What? What play?
+We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
+You mean "Macbeth"?
+Quiet, you blundering fool. You'll curse us all!
+What? By saying "Macbeth"?
+Stop saying it!
+Saying what?
+Macbeth! Ooh, now I've said it.
+This is cool. Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth!
+Bart! Stop saying Macbeth!
+Mom, you said Macbeth!
+Mr. Macbeth, I'm really sorry.
+But please, find it in your jewel-encrusted heart to forgive me.
+That's quite all right. You didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.
+Good luck!
+It's bad luck to say that too!
+Homie, you're doing a great job driving on the left. This is turning out to be our most enjoyable trip ever.
+Yes, this trip is entirely uneventful.
+Dad, no! You turned into a roundabout!
+Turn, turn, keep turning, keep turning, keep turning, keep turning...
+I see an opening.
+No, it's too risky! We'll just wait till the traffic thins out. Turn, turn, keep turning, keep turning, keep turning, keep turning...
+That's it. I'm acting the way America acts best -- unilaterally.
+Okay, I'm gonna go over there and see if they're cool.
+Okay, let's see. Oh, you can buff that out, you can buff that out, that's factory error, that thing's supposed to be on fire...
+Lady, please. Get back in your overturned car. Let the guys handle this.
+We'll deal with him, your Majesty.
+Your Majesty?
+Dad, you rear-ended the Queen of England!
+The Queen of whaaa?!
+Changing of the guard!
+Wait! We have to exchange insurance!
+Homer Simpson, you are hereby charged with damaging the Royal Coach, and putting several dents in the Royal Horse. How do you plead?
+Back cuts?
+My Lord, we Americans love queens, be they homecoming or Dairy. This woman, however, is an imposter.
+Her luggage is inscribed "H.R.H." -- which means her real name must be... Henrietta R. Hippo.
+Why did you let him be his own barrister?
+What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
+I guess it's just too much for me to ask for one vacation where we don't go to jail or to a condo sales pitch.
+Your Honor, I've completely disappointed my wife. That's punishment enough. You understand these things, you're a grandmother.
+I'm a man!
+Ohh, and a very manly one, if I may say so, m'lord.
+If I might say a word...
+I haven't had an easy life. I've seen my country ravaged by war, my family torn by tragedy and then, as I was innocently making my way to the shops to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this great lumbering brute.
+Boy, she's good. If she were a hundred years younger... and I were a hundred years older...
+If there's any love left in you for me, destroy him.
+America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
+In this cell sits Homer Simpson, the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower, since Edward the Puppy Eater.
+Look at his great, staring eyes.
+Like saucers they are!
+'E claimed he was me father, he did.
+Bart, you're not helping.
+Poke the monster with a stick! Tuppence a jab! C'mon, queue up, lads.
+Oh Marge, I Am so sorry. I should've listened to whatever it was you were saying.
+It's partly my fault. I've been nagging you so much on this trip, you couldn't know which nags to focus on.
+Hey, Dad, why don't we try the "Sprawl-Mart"?
+Well Marge, if I die here, there's one thing I want you to remember: don't buy any videotapes in England. They won't work in our VCR!
+Dear God of England: please let me go. In return I will spell the word "color" with a "u" and I'll use the metric system with every cubic milliliter of blood in my... oh, I can't do it. It's so stupid!
+We found a secret tunnel out of the tower. It was used by Sir Walter Raleigh!
+A secret tunnel? I don't know. Won't that get me in more trouble?
+Homer, you couldn't be in more trouble. They're going to put your head on a pike. They're practicing with melons.
+Smash it on, don't worry it. Let the pike do the work.
+Okay, what do I do?
+Push the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
+Sweet freedom, here I--
+Put out the fire first.
+Boy, it's a good thing I'm leaving before I went nuts. Goodbye Sparkly Elves.
+Goodbye!
+Oh, my God! We've made a terrible mistake. This tunnel comes out in the worst possible place.
+An elephant's butt?
+Yes, Bart. An elephant's butt.
+Boy, a Krispy Kreme would really clean up down here.
+Hey, this place is amazing. It's fit for a Duke, or even an Earl...
+The Queen's in trouble.
+And you didn't want to give her a whistle!
+Please, your Majesty, I know that I, like many other Americans, have behaved like a total buffoon.
+But we Americans are England's children. I know we don't call as often as we should, and we aren't as well-behaved as our goody two-shoes brother Canada, who by the way has never had a girlfriend, I'm just sayin'.
+Only my hairdresser knows for sure.
+That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
+I'm telling you, I'm English!
+Englishwomen don't pump gas naked!
+See ya in Atlanta, jerk!
+Abe Simpson? Are you leaving again without saying goodbye?
+Edwina, you got my message!
+Sorry I never saw you again. I just felt the cultural differences between us were too great. Plus, as the boat pulled away from the dock, I thought you looked fat.
+You don't have to apologize, Abe. You Yanks saved our bacon.
+Mmm... bacon.
+Abe this is my daughter, Abbey. She's fifty-eight this month.
+Fifty-eight? Well, fifty-nine years ago, your mother and I were...
+Well, gotta go. See ya in Heaven.
+Mummy, he's everything you said he was.
+Lady, you're gorgeous. You make Dame Edna look like a dude!
+Why, thank you. You're all right, luv.
+Okay, Mother's Day gift check. Let's see what you got.
+I picked Mom a bouquet of Erigeron
+elatiors.
+Daisies.
+Flowers.
+Flow... yeah.
+Lis, your stupid present will only last a week. Mine will sit in a closet for years.
+Bart, we made her the same thing!
+This is even worse than you think -- look!
+Kids, we're going Mother's Day shopping! I'm glad this holiday only comes every four years.
+Let's see, what would she like?
+Twenty on the trifecta?
+Her wedding china back?
+I could get Marge a new window, just like this one.
+Yeah, I love Sprawl-Mart. They've got everything. Even Christian videos with talking vegetables.
+Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go!
+Mmm, Moses.
+Welcome to Sprawl-Mart!
+Grampa! You have a job?
+How dare you challenge my perceptions of what old people can do?
+I'm a Greeter! I'm here to make every visit special! And to size up potential shoplifters!
+Like I can't shoplift with my mouth.
+Haw haw!
+Wow, look at all this stuff.
+Oh look, Jaclyn Smith has her own line of axe heads!
+Yeah, it's impressive. But I still haven't found the perfect gift for Marge. Only imperfect stuff for me.
+Hey look, it's Hairy Ass Tubman.
+Well, well, if it isn't Fatty and Smell-ma.
+Your names can't hurt us.
+Aunts Patty and Selma, can you help us pick out a Mother's Day gift?
+You could give her one of these.
+A Kitchen Carnival. We got one when we appeared on an episode of "The Price Is Right" which the network refused to air.
+Apparently we're not TV pretty.
+Wow! It's a machine that makes carnival food at home.
+Endorsed by the American Carny Association.
+Wow! I never thought I'd say this, but you slags are all right.
+All this attention! I feel like a secretary on Administrative Professionals Day!
+Marge, you're gonna love my present. It is so thoughtful it makes the kids' gifts look like crap.
+"Kitchen Carnival?" I love it! Thank you, Homie.
+Whoa, Marge, get a room!
+Hmm, dare I pour caramel over the cotton candy?
+I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes. And then, finally, I can eat my shorts.
+What is that?!
+This is eighty-five pounds of tooth-melting sugar. Dig in!
+That's it, kids. Suckle Daddy's sugar ball.
+Chief, that guy shouldn't be in the carpool lane. His passenger is just a big piece of candy.
+I wish mine was.
+Nothin'
+Homer, are you spooning that snack?
+That's my old lady.
+Flanderses!
+I was saving sugar for my wedding night!
+Homie, it's time you got rid of that thing. All that candy is rotting your brain.
+I think you should get rid of her. Then we can be together... forever!
+Maybe you're right, Marge. Or maybe you're right, candy ball. No, Marge. Then again... No, Marge. Definitely Marge.
+Goodbye, old friend. I'll think of you whenever I have a stroke or a heart attack.
+Oh my God, I'm gonna be killed by a bear! Well, I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking.
+Smooth.
+Homie! What happened to you?
+Marge, please. I'm too upset to talk about it.
+But seeing you like this is more than I can bear.
+... the angry president woke up, crawled out of his grave, and went back to work.
+That sound can mean only one thing -- it's time for another installment of "Kent's Cowards."
+Today's clip comes straight from the Springfield dump.
+Dad, you got attacked by a bear?!
+I did a lot of stuff today. I went to Starbucks, but you didn't see that on tape.
+That hilarious footage was shot by local hunter, Grant Connor -- not with a gun, but with a camera!
+That's right, Kent. I often get guns and cameras confused. One time, tragically, at a wedding.
+I don't care if they think you're a coward, Dad. You did the right thing, hiding and crying.
+Yeah, we'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day.
+Choke on your candor!
+You can strangle Bart, but you can't strangle your humiliation.
+It's a deal!
+Hey Simpson, I heard your Dad is afraid of a little old giant grizzly bear.
+The only thing my Dad's afraid of is paying child support.
+My Dad once beat up six employees at KFC. And he'd been up for three days.
+Homer Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office immediately.
+What a delightful practically-based joke.
+Hello? Anyone home?
+Marge? Maggie?
+"The Bear Went Over The Mountain"?! "The Berenstain Bears"?! Ahhh, Goldilocks... and the Three Bears!
+Oh God, they're in our food! Teddy Grahams, Gummi Bears...
+Are you a Care Bear?
+I'm an intensive care bear.
+Why does a bear need a crowbar?
+I don't like to get my hands dirty.
+Crying in the corner huh? Mind if I join you?
+No, go ahead.
+All right. That's enough, Fraidy Sue. Here's what you gotta do: find that bear what whupped you, and whup him back.
+Can I fight human-style? By slowly poisoning his environment until he loses his fur and becomes sterile?
+You cowardly Swede! You face that bear like a man, or I'll never speak to you again.
+But how will I find out what you had for lunch in nineteen twenty-eight?
+I have a web site.
+Welcome to my homepage. Why don't you visit more often?
+Mr. Simpson, if you want to find that bear that attacked you, use this.
+It tracks an electronic tag I stuck in the bear's ear. It's the same technology they use to keep tabs on Gary Busey.
+Finally, science has joined forces with revenge.
+Now, listen. The bull grizzly is seven feet tall, weighs more than a Mazda Miata, and can tear through a tree like a Jewish mother through self-esteem. Next time you face him, you better have some way to protect yourself.
+Lookin' good. And I did it all without wasting money on one of those stupid welder's masks.
+Behold! The ultimate in anti-bear technology: The Bear Buster Five Thousand. Available wherever fat men dream.
+Oh, dear Lord.
+Check it out, ladies. The suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attack.
+Homer, there's no rear on that thing.
+I know. If I get really scared, I don't want to ruin the suit.
+Rub a dub dub, I'm washin' the blub.
+Now look here, mister. I forbid you to fight a bear.
+What kind of an example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things?
+Dad, you can't get revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of Moby Dick.
+Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is "be yourself."
+You're not going, and that's final.
+Fine. But do you know how ridiculous you look right now?
+Marge, you awake? Marge?
+Marge is sure gonna be steamed when she finds you missing.
+Or dead.
+Gentlemen, sometimes a man must put his marriage at risk for reasons that are confusing even to him.
+You're sneakin' out to fight that bear. I wanna go too.
+No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.
+Screw that. When I grow up, I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass.
+That is so cool. All right, you can come.
+Lisa, I think your father just left!
+And Bart's missing too!
+I've got a bad feeling about this. Let's check the suit closet.
+Zoot suit... astronaut outfit... Southern belle... Renaissance dandy... Country-western octopus...
+It's gone!
+That man and his foolish pride! We've gotta go follow him.
+I just wanted to see what it was like. Howdy, y'all. If you don't like mah song, I'll spray ya with ink!
+I never realized how hot this suit is. I'm sweating out all my blood-lust!
+Why don't you take a bath in the river? This bear tracker stopped beeping a half hour ago.
+Suh-weet.
+Hey, the batteries are missing from this thing.
+Yeah, we borrowed 'em for the radio.
+SKYROCKETS IN FLIGHT / AFTERNOON DELIGHT...
+Oh my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart?
+RUBBING STICKS TOGETHER MAKES THE SPARKS IGNITE / AND THE THOUGHT OF LOVING YOU IS GETTIN' SO EXCITING...
+Mr. Connor, thank you for helping find my husband. I don't want my last words to him to be "clip your toenails, they look like Fritos."
+Mom! Mom! Stop the car!
+Dad went to take a bath and the bear carried him off!
+Yeah, it almost wrecked the whole trip.
+Ma'am, I will find your husband before that bear kills him. But first, a snack.
+I guess this is it. If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die a man.
+Is this thing hurting you?
+Okay, it's probably the tag. But just to be sure...
+Hey, you're not mean. It was just this tag that made you go ape-scat. We're not so different. Give me a hug.
+Jeez! I don't know why bear hugs enjoy such a great reputation.
+That's funny.
+Oh no, the hunter has become the hunter!
+He must be following this thing. Well I'm gonna make sure it never harms another living creature.
+A killer bear is on the loose in Springfield Forest, and local laughingstock Homer Simpson is missing and presumed mauled.
+Wrong again, liberal media.
+A bounty has been placed on the rogue bear in the amount of ten thousand dollars.
+Don't worry, I'll find you someplace safe.
+The bear is no longer wearing his tracking device. And it looks like he's headed toward that wildlife sanctuary.
+Is there any sign of my husband?
+Your husband appears to be traveling with the bear, either as hostage or as what we call a "Forest Bride."
+Okay, you wanna go over there.
+Hold on. Something doesn't feel right.
+Wait! Stop! I know bullets can be scary sometimes. But I have an idea. First we pull off all of your fur.
+All right, all right I'm still thinking!
+They're looking for a male bear, right?
+It's so easy to condemn, so hard to create.
+Okay boys, that bear's gonna make a dash for freedom. Unless we take him down.
+Yeah, all the way down.
+What you said didn't really add much.
+I know, I just wanted to belong.
+Well, we all feel that way sometimes.
+It's Homer, don't shoot!
+It's that bear! Aim for the holes in the colander!
+He made it! He's finally protected from man.
+Yeah, but now he's being attacked by an elephant.
+Well, I'm proud of you, Homie.
+You set out to fight an animal and you ended up saving its life.
+What can I say? I love nature...
+Circle of life.
+BAH-DAH-DAH DAH-DAH DAH-DAH DAH-DAH DAH-DAH...
+TIME TO WHIZ IN A FOAMING BOWL OF CHINA...
+A line for the bathroom? What gives?
+I don't know, but whoever's in there is taking their sweet old time.
+Son, can I have cuts?
+Hey! Wait a minute, if we're all out here, who's in there?
+Maggie's locked inside!
+Now calm down. I'll just unlock it with this coat hanger.
+Oh God, it's baby blood!
+Don't worry, I know just what to do.
+Bart! You're not hitting hard enough!
+How did you get her out?
+I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we only try ideas once.
+The door? Now I'll never get to pee.
+Dr. Hibbert? Is someone seriously ill?
+Oh, I wish. No, I'm here because of Bob Poochioni, over there.
+Two months ago Santa's Little Helper paid a booty call to my purebred poodle, Rosa Barks.
+And he had his eyes on her prize! I'm gonna drop that analogy now.
+Oh well, I'm glad you think they're cute, 'cause they're your problem now.
+You just lost a box, pal!
+Wait, Santa's Little Helper had puppies before.
+And then we got him neutered.
+We did -- Homer took him. Didn't you?
+Yeah, well uh, funny thing about that...
+On our way to the clinic, I decided to give him a night his wang would never forget.
+Wanna play some air hockey?
+Three hundred and fifty dollars an hour.
+You're on!
+I can't neuter you, boy. Not after all we've been through.
+But from now on, you better save your lovin' for the couch cushions!
+You broke our deal -- we had an oral contract!
+Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
+You and Lisa better go find homes for these puppies -- and don't just dump them all off on some crazy lady.
+He's an irritable, wall-eyed, misfit bastard! Just like Willie.
+Hey mister, would you like a puppy?
+No, but I'll take one.
+I'm gonna cherish and care for this dog... and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
+Seen it, bad, boring, saw it on the plane, re-run, re-run, Telemundo, me, turned it down, ABC, banned from the set, lame, lame, Regis.
+Let's see... champagne or Slim Fast?
+Boy, that really passes the time.
+Want a puppy?
+He's at the peak of cuteness.
+Awww. You can nuzzle me all night. That's enough. I said that's enough!
+Well look at this, you dragged me back to my old neighborhood. And it hasn't changed a bit.
+D-S-L! D-S-L! Who will buy my high-speed connections?
+Brazilian wax! Get your velvety smooth Brazilian wax!
+Hey -- the Jewish Walk of Fame!
+Here, go on Sandy Koufax.
+I lost ten grand when he wouldn't pitch on Yom Kippur. I did five shows that night!
+Okay, boy, let's find my star!
+...Albert Einstein, Lorne Michaels, Shari Lewis? Lamb Chop?!... Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than, Chaim Potok! What is he, some kind of Klingon? I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
+Well, of course you deserve a star, Krusty. Let me just ask you a few questions. Full name?
+Herschel Pinchas Yoracham Krustofsky.
+Good, good. Circumcision?
+And then some.
+Date of bar mitzvah?
+Well, I, uh... ya see, uh... the truth is, I never had one.
+No Bar Mitzvah? In the eyes of God and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, you are not a Jewish man!
+Now, see here. Do you know how much I donate to the B'nai B'rith?
+Actually, I do.
+Goodbye!
+Krusty, what's wrong?
+I just found out I'm not Jewish. I was turned down by all those country clubs for nothing.
+Well, you're still my hero.
+So what? Everything's changed. I thought I was a self-hating Jew, but it turns out I'm just a plain old anti-Semite!
+We have so much to discuss.
+Now I know the reason my life is so empty. I never had a Bar Mitzvah.
+Cheer up, Krusty. You're a clue in the People Magazine crossword puzzle. What more can a man want?
+Bart, the Bar Mitzvah is the most important event in a Jewish boy's life. It's when he reads from the Torah and becomes a man.
+The sweet little shiksa's right. Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy... with a prostate the size of a goat's head.
+Krusty, your dad's a rabbi -- how could you not have had a Bar Mitzvah?
+Well, we could tape two shows on Friday.
+Who knows? I've lived so hard, there's big gaps in my memory. I remember learning to ride a bike, then pretty much nothing 'til right now.
+Why don't we ask your dad?
+Yeah right, my father will put this in a spiritual-philosophical context.
+I'll tell you why you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah. It's because you were a putz!
+Everything is a joke to you. I was afraid you'd make a mockery out of the whole ceremony -- like you're making a mockery outta me right now!
+Maybe I am. But you can't argue with the laughs.
+Eh, so what? It's not my job to make kids laugh.
+Yes it is, you're a clown.
+Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm nothing!
+Krusty, you can still have your Bar Mitzvah as an adult.
+That'd be great! Are you sure that's Kah-sher?
+There's nothing in the Talmud that forbids it.
+How do you know all this stuff?
+I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen and she just got into Brandeis.
+Wonderful!
+Hey hey kids! I've got a confession to make. Underneath all this plastic surgery, I'm actually a Jew. And from now on I'm embracing my faith.
+What's not to like?
+And now I'll teach you my traditions the way my people have passed them down for centuries... through animation.
+Mouse-l Tov!
+And that's what I believe in now.
+Krusty, that was a great show! Once I was clapping, and the applause sign wasn't even on!
+Hey, that's great, but I got a problem.
+This schedule has me working on Saturdays. That's the Sabbath!
+Are you nuts?! I can barely get through one show on Friday, even with the .
+Uh, you know. Smelling flowers. Such expensive flowers. Filled with remorse. Anyway, we gotta book a guest host.
+How about Jon Stewart? He's a son, a lover and a pundit rolled into one sexy package.
+He'd be perfect -- so forget it! I need a guest host so bad he can never replace me. I need someone who's not intelligent...
+...not good-looking...
+...and so utterly repellant he...
+I'm your man!
+Man, are you unpleasant. You're in.
+Children, I wish to announce that our show has undergone a reformatting.
+Let's get ready to listen quietly!
+Now tonight's guest host... the ultimate place-holder... Homer Simpson!
+Welcome to the Homer Simpson Show. I'm your host, Next Card. Homer Simpson it's great to be here in Next Card. Springfield my guests are...Moe Szyslak, local businessman, Carl Carlson, raconteur, and Lenny Leonard, three-time juror. Gentlemen, what's on your minds?
+Dad, you have to say something. Something meaningful!
+Ever notice how seats are too small for normal-looking guys like me? Theaters... airplanes... why even here. Look!
+I could not agree more.
+Never go on the teacup ride after eating at Beauty and the Beast's Fried Dough Chateau.
+Hey, I got a question. How come oldies stations are always playing the same song? How 'bout some new oldies, geniuses?
+Boy, these guys are right on the money.
+Yeah, my neck is sore from agreeing so much.
+Hey baby, if you're lookin' for a good time, huh, go home and turn on your television, Channel 6!
+Thanks for the tip!
+Yeah, yeah, twins, I get it. Now let's watch something I'm really interested in.
+Who has more power? Miss America or Miss U.S.A.?
+I think one's elected and the other one's appointed.
+I think your water just broke.
+Will you be quiet?!
+Now you can't mix milk and meat, you got that?... and on Christmas day you must eat Chinese food... and pork is strictly forbidden!
+All these rules--I feel like I'm in a strip club!
+Well, Dad, what do you want to talk about tonight?
+Uh, listen Homer. I'd like to raise an issue.
+Why so formal, Lenny? You're my go-to guy.
+About that, you know I've been with the show from the beginning and I was uh... I was wondering if I could get a small cost-of-living raise?
+Interesting...
+Please welcome new panelist, Barney Gumbel.
+That light's a little bright. Do you think they could move it?
+Please welcome my newest panelist, Disco Stu.
+Disco Stu knows his place.
+My husband's a power-mad star.
+Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs.
+Ha.mo.shel be.khol-a.sher-lo sim-na yad.kha ta.khat !
+Very good! You just earned yourself a Dr. Brown's.
+Krusty, you know Diane, Stu and Jeremy from the network.
+Hey hey. Hey hey. Hey hey.
+Usurped! You heard me!
+Krusty, we've got some bad news. We think you're super talented...
+Oh God, you're canceling me!
+Krusty, Krusty, TV is a fickle business. You've had a good run, but Homer Simpson's a fresh face and...
+You're not doing this fast enough. You're fired too.
+What? Nooo!
+Ah, Simpson, I hate to bother you when you're eating, but you're always eating. Will you sign an autograph for my boy?
+My pleasure.
+I eat Legos.
+So did I, son. And look where I am today.
+Boy, everybody loves my show.
+It's great, Dad. You have tremendous power. And now it's time to put it to use.
+Yes, you're right...
+Duck, Mr. Lincoln!
+Thank you, Homer.
+No, Dad. I mean you should use your time on the air to say things that really mean something. Change the world for the better!
+I say live fast, die young, and leave a big fat corpse.
+Well, I took Bart's advice last week, so I guess it's Lisa's turn. Now, if you'll excuse me...
+You hit him high, I'll hit him low!
+Look, since my own network dumped me, I thought maybe I could do a show on Fox.
+I'm sorry, Krusty. People aren't interested in stars anymore. They want reality.
+Way ahead of ya.
+How 'bout a show where girls think I'm a millionaire? But what they don't know is, I'm rife with disease.
+Okay, okay. How 'bout one where I move in with a poor family and laugh at 'em? You see the...
+Okay, how 'bout you televise my Bar Mitzvah? Live! Please... you people are known for taking chances on crap.
+Y'know, we've had a great time on this show "riffing" on small, unimportant subjects.
+Now, wait a minute. Dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject.
+Boobs. Just like what girls got.
+Well, that's all over now. From now on, we will focus solely on important issues.
+Every year the gulf between rich and poor nations gets larger. Yet, the IMF insists on unrealistic debt-repayment schedules.
+This show stinks. I knew my son would blow it. Where's the remote?
+It might as well be in China.
+Live, from Springfield Stadium, it's Krusty the Clown's Wet 'n' Wild Bar Mitzvah!
+Shalom, Springfield!
+Shalom!
+I can't schmear you.
+Shalom!
+H-H-H-H-H-H-H. H-H-H-H-H-H-H.
+Now, to get you in the Bar Mitzvah mood, put your hands together for the Beach Boys... Experience!
+MEZUZAH, MENORAH, READING FROM THE TORAH / PASTRAMI, KNISHES, ON TWO SETS OF DISHES / A CHURCH WITH, NO STEEPLE / FOR GOD'S CHOSEN PEOPLE...
+Now, let's meet a man who's muscle bound, and a man who's bound not to eat mussels, Mr. T and Krusty the Clown.
+T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase.
+Yeah, we were kinda rough on him. I felt bad for the guy.
+You pitied the fool?
+That's one way of puttin' it. Time for me to get into character.
+Let's scroll!
+Bar-chu et adonai hamvorach fool...
+Why should America consume ninety percent of the world's resources? Argentina must devalue her currency to pay her debts!
+You can't leave, I'm your ride home!
+Dad, you blew it. You listened to Lisa. And then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.
+I'll audience you!
+So, that's why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones. Tight bow tie my ass!
+Now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the world's largest potato pancake! That's a lotta latke!
+Three... two... one... annnd you're canceled.
+Strike the set. You have five minutes to get off the lot.
+Don't worry, this will be quick and painless.
+There we go.
+Oh, Homie, you may have lost your show, but you went out in the classiest way possible. I'm proud of you.
+Marge, I thank God every day you settled for me.
+Hey, where's my car?
+Oh, over there.
+Come on, Homie. We'll go to the "Make Your Own Sundae" place.
+Will you make my sundae for me?
+Thank you, cast of "The Lion King."
+And now, for our grand finale, the superstar of David, Mr. T.
+I pity the shul that won't let Krusty in now. Spin me, clown!
+I wish I had invested my money better.
+Krusty, the ratings were good. Raymond rerun good!
+Great. But there's one thing that's still naggin' at me.
+I want a real Bar Mitzvah. In a temple.
+Wonderful!
+... ha.mo.shel be.khol-a.sher-lo sim-na yad.kha ta.khat ...
+I'm hungry. Are they married yet?
+They're not getting married!
+Then whose garter is this?
+I was trying to hit the dentist.
+And now, finally, I am a man.
+I pity the fool who didn't bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah!
+Happy Thanksgiving from the entire Channel Six family, including Kent Brockman, who's contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout.
+The real Kent is in a rehab clinic. We all wish him the best -- again.
+I love the holiday season.
+See you in spring, toes!
+And from all of us, best wishes for a joyous holiday season.
+Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
+Hey, Homer -- I'm your Secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.
+Oh my God! A DVD player.
+And the first season of Magnum P.I. with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
+Oh Carl, you remembered I like TV!
+Who's my Secret Santa?
+I think it's Homer.
+Oh yes, I am... your present is right in the other room.
+Come on machine, take my dollar!
+Fine, we'll play it your way.
+Here you go, Lenny.
+May the spirit of Retsin be with you all year long. God bless God, amen.
+This gift stinks.
+Homer, you're the most selfish man I know.
+Oh c'mon... Mr. Burns is way more selfish.
+That evil old bone bag... smelling of death... nose like a vulture... followed everywhere by that kiss-ass Smithers...
+Yes, that describes Kathy in Personnel to a tee!
+All right, everyone. It's time for your Christmas "boni." Everyone gets a five dollar cafeteria voucher...and for your boy, a confectioner's card featuring a current baseballer. It's that rookie from the New York Nine.
+Joe DiMaggio?
+Yes... it seems they've started letting ethnics into the big leagues.
+Oh look, it's Kathy! How are things in personnel?
+Excellent.
+I need money for Christmas... can I get anything for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card? It's kinda old.
+I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your card is only worth... everything I've got!
+Everything! Take it!
+Oh no! I've smudged it with nacho fingers! I must deftly lick it off.
+Deftly.
+Thank you! Freak.
+And now we return to the 1986 holiday classic..."Christmas With The California Prunes".
+O PRUNY NIGHT / THE STARS ARE SWEETLY WRINKLED / WE ARE THE FRUIT
+...THAT YOUR...
+GRANDMOTHER LOVES...
+This is offensive to Christians and prunes.
+Hey, everybody! We're going shopping at the Springfield Heights Promenade!
+That's the rich people's mall. Let's shop till we droop!
+I think that's "drop."
+That's a very violent image, Lisa.
+First we'll buy gifts for each other. Then we'll spend the rest of the cash on a Christmas tree so large, its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding.
+Cool, a toy store!
+Awesome! I'm blasting all the state capitals! Take that, Salem, Oregon!
+Wait a minute, this game is educational!
+That'll teach you to teach me!
+I think these are my Homie's size...
+Excuse me, can I ask you a favor?
+Perfect! I'll take it.
+Um, we'll do that.
+Stand back when you open it.
+Doing pretty good so far. A key ring for Marge, key ring for Bart...
+That thing for me.
+Oh God, it's so unnecessary!
+You have excellent taste. This is our finest talking astrolabe.
+It also comes with a notepad and a pen that works upside down.
+I'm upside down so much!
+Oh, if I buy this, I won't have anything left for a Christmas tree...
+Today is the birthday of comedienne Margaret Cho.
+That's the birthday I'm always forgetting. I must have it!
+What a mall!
+Can we get our big Christmas tree now?
+Uh, sure, you know it. The biggest tree from the finest lot in town!
+Dad, I don't like the looks of this neighborhood.
+It's fine. Everyone just relax, lock your doors, don't make eye contact with anyone and listen to the radio.
+Now, let's downshift to the holiday spirit with "Christmas Convoy."
+A STAR SHONE BRIGHT THAT SILENT NIGHT / NINETY MILES OUT OF MANGER-TOWN / HAULIN' GOLD AND MYRHH AND FRANKINCENSE / THREE KINGS PUT THE HAMMER DOWN...
+Colombia's main export is coffee.
+Exactly.
+'CUZ WE GOT A CHRISTMAS CONVOY / AIN'T SHE A BEAUTIFUL THING? / WE GOTTA ROLL THIS TRUCKIN' CONVOY / TO SEE THE NEWBORN KING / CON-VOY!
+TEN-FOUR KING OF THE JEWS!
+Gorgeous, huh? And quite the bargain.
+Isn't it kind of dry?
+Oh, it just needs a little love.
+Why do the things I love always burn?
+Isn't it sufficient.
+I thought we had enough money for a good tree.
+Homer, is there something you're not telling us?
+It is six thirty-one PM in Montreal. The moon is waxing tonight.
+What's that?
+Uh... Woo hoo! Maggie's talking!
+You wasted our money on something extravagant for yourself!
+There's a trickle-down theory here. If I'm happy, I'm less abusive to the rest of you.
+No, Dad. This time you were just plain selfish.
+I am not returnable.
+I will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours.
+Oh, this is sadder than "Tuesdays With Morrie."
+C'mon Marge, I'm not the only selfish person. You have to get your hair done at "Supercuts." I guess regular "Cuts" just isn't good enough for you.
+You just don't get it, do you? Christmas is a time to think of others, but today you showed you only care about yourself.
+That's not true. I cared what you thought once you found out.
+You can sleep on the couch tonight.
+Can't you yell at me now and get it over with?
+No. I'm gonna parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content.
+I don't need her, I've got you, Astrolabe.
+Now back to "The Year Santa Got Lost," starring Jimmy Stewart as the voice of Mister Mailman.
+Santa was in an awful pickle. Beatniks had given drugs to the reindeer and they were no darn good. So Santa placed a call to Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird...
+Jimmy Stewart as a puppet is just wrong.
+And now back to "Mr. McGrew's Christmas Carol."
+Mr. McGrew! I love that blind, senile old man.
+I can't find my way back to the home.
+I heard you the first five times.
+You work on Christmas or you're out of a job! Is that clear, Cratchett?
+Sir, I'm over here.
+I'm sorry. Pardon me, ma'am. I see you're expecting. May I listen to the baby's heartbeat?
+Oh McGrew. Once again you've mistaken something for something!
+McGrew! I am the ghost of Christmas past! You're so selfish your fiancé is about to leave you.
+I don't need love, I have money.
+Sweet, sweet money!
+Oh my God! It's like looking at a cartoon version of myself.
+Spirit, surely there is some time to reform my selfish ways.
+C'mon, Death. Leave McGrew alone. Take Tiny Tim.
+Nooooooo!
+Unloved by Al? Noooooooo!
+Unloved by all! Noooooooo!
+Dad? Are you okay?
+Children, children, what day is this?
+It's Saturday, December sixth.
+Thank God! There's still four more days 'til Christmas. I have time to reform my ways!
+I just saw the greatest cartoon of all time. It was about a miser who was visited by three ghosts at Christmas. And get this: he learns a lesson!
+Dad, what you saw was "A Christmas Carol." It was written by Charles Dickens a hundred and sixty years ago.
+Yeah, TV writers have been milkin' that goat for years.
+Reform, Ebenezer Urkel! You have alienated everyone who loved you!
+Did I do that?
+Report, Mr. Sulu.
+There seems to be some sort of spirit... from an Earth Holiday past.
+Mr. Scott, fire photon torpedoes.
+It's no use, Captain! He's showin' visions of me future... God, I'm so fat!
+I said fire!
+That last one looked kinda good.
+Marge, TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson. From now on, I will stop being selfish and start being good. In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town.
+You've made that promise before.
+Yes, but this time I'm sober. Ish.
+Well, the hobos sure will appreciate our old clothes and lima beans.
+No need, Flanders. I've already given them my old clothes.
+Good-lookin' group.
+Gee, looks like this town has a good Sam log-jam.
+These pants smell worse than my old pants.
+You're welcome!
+Look, Lenny. I know I was a pretty bad Secret Santa, so I wanted to make it up to you.
+Wow, a photo cube with pictures of us!
+And I filed down all the sharp corners. See, your eye is completely safe.
+Oh, wow, it just stings a little!
+Marge, do you want this last pork chop?
+I've dreamed of the day you'd say that!
+Haw haw. Your position has been usurped!
+Oh, your thoughtfulness tastes so good. And tears are the sweetest sauce.
+All right, now you're startin' to creep me out.
+Why don't you just take my blood?
+Yes, I'm old.
+Oh, very nice, Ned. But I'm afraid you're a distant second this week.
+I'm not looking for glory or wealth. I'm just buying that stairway to heaven Jesus sang of.
+That was Led Zeppelin.
+Get back to your bong, hippie.
+Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer?
+Well, maybe just a tad, Todd.
+I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses.
+One problem at a time, boy.
+Homie, I'm so proud -- you changed more than I could imagined! You're even covering your mouth when you burp.
+Just like the Pope!
+Being unselfish is a natural high, like hiking or paint thinner.
+And here's another act of Christian charity I pulled out of my butt.
+I built a skating rink for the whole town!
+Activate cloaking device!
+Oh I'm so depressed. Engage candy bar. Thank you.
+HERE COME SANDWICHES / HERE COME SANDWICHES / RIGHT DOWN BOOZY BUM LANE...
+BROTHER NED'S GOT CHEESE ON BREAD / AND A SIDE ORDER OF SHAME...
+Where the H-E-C-K is everybody?
+Here's your skates. Oh, you'll have to take off those boots.
+Those are my feet.
+Oh, for the love of puppies.
+Homer, you're the nicest guy in town.
+Haw haw, you're sad at Christmas!
+This just in -- Santa Claus is dead.
+Or he might as well be. Because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice-point: Homer Simpson, seen here in this retouched photo!
+That Homer just burns my waffles!
+Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser!
+Excuse me, my car broke down...
+Why, I'll give you a jump, I'll rotate your tires, I'll even fold up that map for you. I know they can be a dickens of a doozy...
+Back off, creep! I was looking for Homer Simpson's house!
+That tears it. I'll show Homer. I'm gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen.
+I said "man," not "man-God." Keep your pants on.
+Here you go, Principal Skinner, Mrs. Skinner.
+You're actually giving everyone in town a Christmas present?
+What's your angle, pervert?
+My angle is givin' in this world, livin' in the next.
+But how can you afford all this on a widower's salary?
+Well, actually, I picked up some extra cash renting out my house to a fraternity.
+Stay out of our medicine cabinet!
+Pathetic Flanders. Thinking he can buy people's love with thoughtful gifts.
+Cool. Mr. Flanders gave me a Krusty brand Operation game.
+You just tweezered my wang.
+I'll show Flanders. I'm gonna get everyone a car. What's that one good American car?
+Dad, you don't have to out-do Mr. Flanders. Just remember the spirit of the season.
+Uh... is it despair?
+Actually, most people now feel Christmas has gotten too materialistic. In fact, as a Buddhist, I believe people would be a lot happier without presents.
+Hmm. You've given me a lot to think about.
+People would be a lot happier without presents.
+Presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul.
+I'm not going to jail again!
+I've got it... when everyone's asleep, I'll take away their presents. Then they'll be happy! Thanks, Buddha.
+I got your badge number! You better hope I never get out.
+YOU'RE A HERO, HOMER J. / YOU'RE AS CRAFTY AS A SKUNK / THEY'LL THANK YOU IN THE MORNING FOR STEALING FLANDERS' JUNK / HOMER JAAAAAY! / You're a double-bacon genius-burger... AND JUST A LITTLE DRUNK.
+Now to hear the joyous sound of people waking up on Christmas to discover they have no presents.
+Hey, where's my presents?
+Some jerk stole Christmas!
+Ho, I've been robbed! Man, so, this is how it feels. I'd better see my shrink... and rob his ass.
+Someone snuck in and took our presents. Do you think it was Papa?
+I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left.
+He didn't leave, he went to the store. And when he comes back I'll wave those Pop-Tarts right in your face.
+They don't sound happy... but here comes a mob, shaking their fists in gratitude.
+Give back our presents, stupid man!
+Your behavior, it's like, it's like, not sanctioned by any governing body. You're like, wild.
+Um, shouldn't you all be singing carols or something?
+Friends, what Homer did was wrong. But I've been thinking -- maybe I was just as wrong to give you those gifts.
+Wait a minute, everyone! There's your Christmas up there!
+It's a miracle!
+That's my last flare. Somebody'd better come soon.
+Oh thank goodness, rescue dogs!
+"And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people...
+Stop that!
+You can't pray on city property.
+Let's just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic, but others don't, and that's cool. But we're probably right. Amen.
+And now, I think the only thing left to do is -- return all your gifts! Ned?
+It'd be my pleasure, Homer!
+Oh, joy, let's see what we've uh, got here... oh, it's a new brassiere?! But I don't even have them, but okay! I'll make pretend.
+What a great Christmas. Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it.
+I ain't got all day, Drama Queen, get it over with!
+I will! And then you'll all wish you was nicer to me! Eh, who am I kiddin'? I ain't gonna jump.
+HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING / GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING!
+PEACE ON EARTH AND MERCY MILD...
+GOD AND SINNER RECONCILED...
+Today is the birthday of our Lord, Jesus Christ. And singer Barbara Mandrell. Merry Christmas!
+That's a salt water croc, the largest reptile in the world! Oh crikey, she's got me by the dangle-down!
+This naughty little Sheila can snap a man's rib cage like --
+Like that!
+Hey! I'm watchin' that!
+Not any more.
+Malibu Stacey wants a craft room. And Malibu Ken needs a closet for all his beach thongs. They'll get help from designer Jeremy...on Dollhouse Do-Overs.
+We'll also show you how to turn a shoebox into a you-box!
+I missed the feeding frenzy. I hope you're happy.
+Obviously, yes.
+Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.
+We'll be right back with "Who Will Marry A Million Bears?"
+I LIKE ICE CREAM, I LIKE ICE CREAM / HOW 'BOUT YOU? HOW 'BOUT YOU?
+Look, Maggie. A show for babies.
+TOPPED WITH CHOCOLATE SYRUP / TOPPED WITH CHOCOLATE SYRUP / WHIPPED CREAM TOO / WHIPPED CREAM TOO!
+Mom, that's Roofi. His music is why babies are idiots.
+Well, Maggie likes Roofi. And babies only like good things.
+Why don't you let us watch TV and get her a Roofi CD?
+Bart! On't-day ell-tay om-may uffi-ray as-hay e-say e-days.
+Y-whay ot-nay? Ut-whay ould-cay o-gay ong-wray?
+E'll-shay uy-bay em-thay, upid-stay.
+Ou-ay ow-knay, I-ay as-way oung-yay unce-way oo-tay.
+Ap-cray.
+ONE, TWO, TIE YOUR SHOE / THREE, FOUR, PICK UP THE FLOOR / FIVE SIX, DON'T PLAY TRICKS...
+SEVEN, EIGHT, CLEAN YOUR PLATE...
+NINE, TEN, START OVER AGAIN...
+It's on batteries.
+ONE, TWO, TIE YOUR SHOE....
+Backed up by solar power.
+THREE, FOUR, PICK UP THE FLOOR...
+FIVE, SIX, DON'T PLAY TRICKS...
+SEVEN, EIGHT, CLEAN YOUR PLATE...
+NINE, TEN, START OVER AGAIN. ONE, TWO, TIE YOUR SHOE....
+Look, Maggie! Funny Daddy!
+Too hard.
+NINE, TEN, START OVER AGAIN. ONE, TWO, TIE YOUR SHOE...
+Time to go home, Bart.
+You don't understand -- I can't go home! You gotta give me detention. Look -- I fed the gerbil coffee!
+Please, make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times!
+We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago. Now go home.
+SO HE WENT UPSTAIRS AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR / THERE'S A HELPFUL BEAR ON THE TWENTY-EIGHTH FLOOR!
+TWENTY-EIGHTH FLOOR! TWENTY-EIGHTH FLOOR! THERE'S A HELPFUL BEAR ON THE TWENTY-EIGHTH FLOOR!
+Aw, look how happy she is.
+Her eyes aren't focused.
+It makes her happy.
+So does sucking on the dog.
+Hello, Springfield!
+Roofi is coming to your town! One show only! Tickets will go fast. Very fast! So your parents should be getting in line. If you don't come, Roofi will be sad...and the helpful bear, she will die.
+TICKETS TICKETS BUY THEM NOW / ROOFI HE WILL SHOW YOU HOW / VISA, AMEX, OR MC / OR MAKE OUT A CHECK TO
+Give Daddy the remote, Maggie. Give daddy the...
+Oh. Wise guy, eh?
+Nyagh-nyagh-nyagh-nyagh-nyagh.
+I got the Roofi tickets!
+I got them fair and square and I kept my dignity. Not like Janey's mom.
+Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!
+Whatever.
+This concert is oversold. It's as if a music promoter acted unscrupulously!
+And now, our opening act, in their first live show since Tinky Winky was acquitted of manslaughter...
+Not guilty!
+...the Teletubbies!
+Cus-tard!
+Cus-tard! Cus-tard!
+They make the Blue Man Group look like Mummenschanz, which is still pretty good. Oh. The second one wants custard, too. That's a little repetitive.
+Oh no, it's raining! And Maggie's diapers are extra-absorbent!
+How's the crowd, Steve?
+Awful fussy.
+You kiddin' me. Did you make funny faces?
+You did? Well did you jiggle your keys?
+I did it all, man.
+And now, here's Roofi!
+SING THE NONSENSE SONG WITH ME / YUM YUM WOW, WHOOP DEE WEE / FLIBBERTY FLABBERTY ONE TWO THREE...
+Ow! Okay, who threw that? Who threw it?
+A playdate with disaster at Cletus' farm!
+I'm at the first aid tent, where overwhelmed doctors are trying to sort out the owies from the boo-boos. Now I'm told we have the leader of the babies on the line. Tyler, is there a peaceful solution possible?
+That's it! Show's over! Five, six, so long, hicks!
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't want to go in there. Some of those babies have their teeth.
+And those super-sharp little fingernails.
+Better leave it to the professionals.
+I don't feel right clubbing women and children, Chief.
+I hear ya. Some days are tougher than others. Just close your eyes and club.
+This is it, boys. We'll have to tummy-kiss our way out!
+The bouncing won't hurt you.
+Baby's got backlash! Springfield citizens are outraged about the destruction caused by the bad babies. Bad babies. Yes you was!
+They destroyed my home... and the equity I'd built up therein.
+Asked if he intends to take legal action, the farmer replied "I ain't fungified hidee-hoo 'bout no legrification noways", then scratched his rear, hitched up his pants, and scratched his rear again.
+That riot has far-reaching consequences. Kabul refuses to be our sister city anymore.
+I have no sister city!
+The babies' damage exceeds one million dollars, which will now be sucked out of your pockets.
+/ My loose change!
+Let me now introduce a woman who wants to make sure that what I just did never happens again.
+Good evening, I'm Lindsay Naegle, and I am the founder of SSCCATAGAPP, Singles Seniors Childless Couples and Teens And Gays Against Parasitic Parents.
+/ Catchy name.
+We're tired of picking up the bills for other people's kids. We already pay millions every year in school taxes!
+Excuse me, everyone. I'm a mother.
+And I'm an American!
+I bake apple pies!
+And I love baseball!
+Save your breath for blowing up water wings, breeder. I dream of an America with nudity and "F" words on network TV. Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future -- today belongs to me!
+You can't change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would have had these kids if we'd thought we had to pay for 'em. Promises were made!
+I'm so sorry, Marge.
+Tough tortellini! I'm sick of printing children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze!
+We're tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays!
+Then how would we ever get to see "Camelot"?
+We'll merely watch the movie on tape.
+Is that better? To me, Ralph Wiggum is Sir Lancelot.
+IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOU / IT WOULDN'T BE IN SUMMER...
+Ladies and gentlemen, let's kill every child... friendly thing in town!
+It's time to put away childish things and become a man.
+Why? Why? Why?
+Kids are people too: worthless, incomplete people.
+That's the battle cry as single Springfieldites are continuing to run roughshod over children and families.
+From now on, children acting up in public places will be lightly tazed.
+Mommy, pick me up.
+I wasn't kidding.
+And in downtown Springfield, a statue is being erected to America's most misunderstood hero, the deadbeat dad.
+That's all? Just a statue? This country makes me sick.
+Gamble! Gamble! Gamble!
+/ Oh yeah.
+Ms. Naegle, I'm sorry to surprise you like this, but I thought if we met face-to-face, we could settle our differences.
+Well, let's make it quick. I know you have to get back to your kids, and I'm late for a skydiving massage.
+I'll cut to the chase. I brought with me the very best reason I can think of for what I believe in.
+Her name is Lisa. And I wouldn't trade her for all the sleep-in Sundays and speed dating in the world.
+Ms. Naegle, even though I disagree with your principles, I certainly admire your success.
+Well Lisa, I would be proud if one of the eggs I sold turned out like you.
+Mom, I locked your keys in the car.
+Then wait in the shadows!
+Also, Maggie puked in your purse again.
+Poor me. All my purse is full of is disposable income.
+Sorry, Marge. I don't think I'll ever understand your point of view. Not even with all my free time.
+Then, I guess this means war. With the most powerful weapon at my disposal: a voter-sponsored initiative.
+You wouldn't dare!
+I've already drawn up the petition.
+Well, I'm not worried. You won't get that thing on the ballot until the November general election.
+No, the March primary.
+Mom, can we get a pretzel?
+We've got pretzels at home.
+Not cinnamon.
+Well, we finally got things the way we want them. Not a highchair or complimentary crayon in sight.
+I'm gonna tell an anecdote about oral sex... without having to look around.
+Truly we have entered a golden age.
+Attention, everyone.
+I wish to announce the formation of PPASSCCATAG: Proud Parents Against Singles Seniors Childless Couples and Teens And Gays.
+"Pupasscatag" is also a disease of the brainstem. That's how I'll remember it.
+To overturn these horrible anti-family laws, we've prepared the "Families Come First" initiative. Now, the first thing we're gonna need is money.
+But I guess-A you get-A the bill.
+Oh, for the love of pizza.
+Luigi Risotto?
+That's-a me.
+I'm from the U.S. immigration department.
+Save our families! Sign our Petition!
+The only petitions that I sign are to bring back canceled sitcoms, thank you. America needs the wisdom of "Herman's Head" now more than ever.
+Howdy, Ma'am. I represent the Tobacco Lobby. And frankly, no politics gets done in this country without a little help from us.
+Now we own you!
+But I haven't endorsed it yet!
+Football injury. Now why don't you just sign the check? Here, use my pen.
+Forget it.
+I guess no one gives a damn about the American family anymore.
+I'll sign your petition!
+Mr. Burns? You care about children?
+Yes, particularly their supple young organs. Oh unfenced back yard pools, where would I be without you?
+Hey, if Burns is signing that petition, maybe we should too.
+Yeah, rich guys always want what's best for everyone.
+Coming up later, what your dog can tell you about your prostate. Hm. But first, Marge Simpson's "Families Come First" initiative seems to be gaining steam.
+Leading her opponents to counter with this commercial:
+As a mother, I love my family. That's why I'm against the "Families Come First" Initiative. "Families Come First" will hurt families, and I love my family too much for that.
+I'm Marge Simpson, and even I'm against "Families Come First." Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife.
+That ad makes me look like a criminal.
+Then why did you appear in it?
+That wasn't me!
+Maybe she was you and you're not! How many kids do we have?
+Wrong, lady! Oh wait, the baby.
+I try my best. They ridicule me. They mock everything I cherish.
+Honey, this marriage is a partnership. When you fall, I pick you up. And when you can't finish a sandwich, I eat that sandwich.
+You're my rock, Homie.
+And I promise this rock is gonna weigh you down for the rest of your life.
+Awww...
+Honey, no one messes with my Mrs. I'll come down on those guys like the garage door on Bart's bike.
+What are you going to do?
+You just leave everything to Homer. And now, I believe you owe me half a sandwich.
+I always keep one near the bed for you.
+Here comes my commercial. In six, five, four...
+I probably should have watched it first.
+You've probably heard a lot of bad things about Families Come First.
+But newspaper writers are a bunch of jerks. Who really opposes "Families Come First?"
+Many childless advocates are like Ben Affleck -- famous, successful people from out of State!
+They live in fancy houses in other places.
+"Families Come First" is supported by lifelong Springfieldians you know and trust like me, Milhouse's Dad, Bumblebee Man, Surly Duff, and that jerk that goes "Yeees!"
+For more information, visit our website, www.al-jazeera.com. We're not affiliated. We're just piggybacking on their message board.
+I am Rudy Giuliani. Do as I command you. I am Rudy Giuliani. Do as I command you.
+It says "Yes on two thirty-two". We want no on two thirty-two, Yes on two forty-two.
+Either way. The important thing is the system works.
+And the bumper stickers misspelled "on".
+Great. Let's dump these kids in an R-rated movie while we go someplace nice.
+They say "Yes No two forty-two". And it's the night before the election and you haven't handed them out!
+I need to be alone right now.
+Marge, wait.
+I am Rudy Giuliani. You must forgive Homer. I am Rudy Giuliani. You must forgive Homer. I am.
+Bart, we're gonna lose. We have to do something.
+Lis, kids are the problem, maybe kids can be the solution.
+Okay, but how?
+Hey, I'm the visionary. You come up with the nuts and bolts.
+Oh my God! I just had my most brilliant idea ever!
+Don't you mean my most brilliant idea ever?
+You don't even know what the idea is.
+I know you have an ugly face.
+Bart, why are we fighting?
+Because we're kids. Kids! Maybe that's the answer.
+There's the enemy. Give 'em all you got.
+I love you! I love you!
+I love you!
+I love you... I love you... I love you...
+I love glue...
+I love you!
+Aww, such a sweet little thing.
+Time to destroy your future.
+Feeling... flu-ish. Fever... nausea... Child germs! No! Must... participate in... democratic... pro... cess...
+I'm afraid the polls have closed. And on prop two four two, the winner is yessss.
+For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures: children.
+Looks like everything's back the way it was, which is the only way it should ever be.
+Can I bring my laser pointer?
+What do I care?
+I got it!
+Bart, I got it!
+I ran here as fast as I...
+Bart, that creepy kid's here!
+Hey, Milhouse! Oh, what's this?
+"Psycho Cycle Conversion Kit?!" Oh, wow, this will look great on my bike.
+Flame decal for the chain guard, Marine Corps tassels... bullet-proof seat... and a rub-on tattoo for that "special someone."
+That's me!
+Biker chick?
+Now to turn on the moto-mimic.
+Sounds like a motorcycle gang! And we don't have back-up. We better lay low.
+But Chief, what if they like pizza?
+Way ahead of you, Lou.
+That is one bitchin' bike!
+Daddy said a cuss word!
+Lighten up, Roddy.
+Haw haw! It's the baby bike brigade!
+Hey Bart, I used to have a bike like that -- back before I was born!
+Oh no -- they've got big boy bikes.
+Thanks for the tassels. My mom can wear these on her boobs at work.
+Hey, give those back.
+Gentlemen: first gear!
+Oh man, I sure wish I had a ten-speed bike.
+A ten-speed bike?! What did your mother say?
+She said "yes."
+I said no!
+I'm confused! Which is it?
+It's no! His old bike is fine!
+Yeah, the kitchen lady's right -- no new bike while your old one still works.
+I see. So if my old bike didn't work, I would automatically get a new one?
+That's right. No questions asked.
+Boy, I'm really gonna miss you. We've really had some great... Ooh, a Mercedes!
+What the Halle Berry?
+My bike! My crappy, crappy bike.
+I'm very sorry, Bart. I'll pay for a new bike.
+This was a wake-up call -- from now on, I'll keep my eyes on the road and off my "Kool and the Gang" air freshener.
+Celebration's over, boys.
+Snowball!
+I know how you feel, Lis. No kid wants to outlive their pet.
+There, there. You're both right.
+Son, would you like to ride your new bike out of the store?
+Can I, for true?
+For true, son.
+Hey, pally. I don't want to down-shift your enthusiasm, but that's a floor model.
+Your bike is in here. I could put it together right now -- for a small assembly fee.
+Here we go. Now it starts with the fees.
+I'll assemble it myself.
+Dad, no! Think of the bike.
+I can make a bike. I made you.
+Yeah, great workmanship.
+Hey, that's gonna win you a lot of bar bets some day.
+Oh man, this is so confusing.
+What the Hell is this?
+Bike's over there.
+You actually did it! You're the coolest, Dad!
+Look what my Dad just built for me!
+Hey, guys! This butt's for you!
+No one does this to Dolph! No one!
+I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.
+Haw haw! Your dad's not handy!
+Son are you okay? I brought my home-made first aid kit. It's spring-loaded for quick access!
+We now return to "Robot Rumble" on the Testosterone Network!
+Congratulations to our winning father-and-son team, who will receive a free appetizer at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steak House!
+And you won't be teed off when you come in, because our steaks are cooked two par-fection, our leader-board is filled with scrumptious... two more pages, I'm not readin' this.
+Face it, you're not the most mechanical guy in the world. But you're good at other things: like... eating while driving. That's somethin'... and nobody gets madder at the news.
+First of all, thank you. Secondly...
+Mom, I'm not sure I'm ready for a new cat.
+"When Bad Things Happen To Cute Children" says that a new pet will pull you out of your sorrow cycle.
+That book doesn't know how I feel.
+Oh, it's very wise. It's written by a rabbi -- who surfs!
+All right, I'll look.
+Too fluffy, too Siamese, too needy, too stuck-up, infected eye, clearly a skunk. Me-ow!
+Welcome to the family, Snowball III!
+There's nothing worse than the look on a boy's face when he says "Dad I don't think you can build a fully-functional robot."
+Robot, I command you: do something cool!
+I could quit now... but then my son will never look up to me. Why was I born a Dad?
+Why... do... I... suck?
+Wait a minute. What is it my Dad always said to me?
+If you can't build a robot... be a robot!
+That's it!
+It's Tuesday the first. If you live in Krusty Brand low income housing, your rent is due.
+Hey, it didn't fall apart.
+Smash this six pack!
+Awesome! I gotta tell Milhouse.
+Oh, the beer's gone. I'll have to suck it out of the shag.
+Oh, Lisa. Honey, it's okay. You're a Buddhist, so you know your cats are now reincarnated as a higher form of life.
+Like a dog. Or a snowman!
+Ashes to ashes... dust to dust... we've gotta go fight some robots.
+C'mon, Homer. How long does it take to go to the bathroom?
+Dear Bart...
+"...I'd love to be with you, but I just remembered an old army buddy has come to town. Will meet you later. Love, Dad.
+Well, I wish Homer was here.
+But don't worry. I've got a name all picked out for you.
+Chief Knockahomer, let's win this one for Dad!
+And in this corner, the challenger, Chief Knockahomer!
+There's no love lost between these emotionless devices!
+Robots rumble!
+Go! Go! Geez, I'm the only one in the audience over fifteen.
+Are you here with your children, sir?
+Oh yeah, my two kids. Screw... and you.
+What's this? Knockahomer has dropped his hammer.
+Doin' it for the boy...doin' it for the boy... pain is love... to bleed is to care...
+Can robots feel pain? If so, we are horrible, horrible people.
+He's killing him softly with his saw!
+Killing him softly?
+With his saw!
+Woo hoo! I mean, beep beep!
+Coltrane? Lisa, I'm glad you're ready to love again. But a kitty needs a proper name, like Whiskers. Or Paws Scaggs.
+Well, I think it's only fair I get to name him. You got to name me.
+You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you Bartzeena!
+Coltrane, would you like to hear some music written by your namesake?
+Coltrane?
+Coltrane, you were with us only briefly, but we'll always have the ride home from the shelter. And uh... I guess that's it. Amen.
+And Lord, if you think I'm making lemon bars for your bake sale Sunday, you'd better stop killing our cats.
+Mom, I'm not sure God responds to threats and intimidation.
+It's the only way to talk to bullies.
+...then Knockahomer did three victory laps and pretended to drink a beer!
+Pretended.
+Dad, what are all those cuts?
+Various bug bites and wounds. Now stop interrupting your brother.
+In my day, mechanical men had funnel hats and showed respect. Then it all changed when they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories!
+Well, if you ever want to see a mailbox shoot a boy, that's about as close as you're gonna get.
+Dad, it was so great -- Knockahomer really took a pounding but then he won!
+I like you, son.
+Not so rough, Bart. Daddy can't handle so much love right now.
+This robot's the greatest thing you've ever done for me. I can't believe you've never seen him fight.
+Well, I've been busy, son. They really need me over at the nuclear plank.
+Well, the next match is Saturday. Can you come then?
+I don't think so, son. But on the other hand, I may be closer than you think.
+So much metal in my eye.
+Ladies and gentlemen... eh, who am I kidding, just gentlemen... join us next week for our title bout, when Knockahomer will try to unseat five time defending champion... Smashius Clay, a.k.a. Killhammad Aieee!
+Our robot can kick that robot's ass! Right Dad? Dad?
+Oh no! My recurring nightmare is coming true!
+There are many people I'd like to thank for this award. My wife, Anjelica Huston -- this is for you, Angie! We did it!
+Speeches cannot be longer than thirty seconds.
+Now a tribute to those who have left us this past year.
+Sure he's tough. But he's never come up against a wooden mallet!
+Listen son, there's something I have to tell you about our robot.
+There it is! That thing that makes us respect Bart!
+You guys are just in time. My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot.
+I just installed a chip that makes it ten per cent more bloodthirsty!
+And if anything happens to me, I want you bullies to take care of my boy.
+Don't worry, I'll raise him like the mean streets raised me.
+I wish I had bullies like you growing up.
+Hey! Hey!
+These cats would rather take their chances in the back room than go home with you.
+My job was to keep Lisa's hope alive. But instead, she's really depressed.
+You think you've got problems, look what I just pulled out of my arm!
+That's what we in the business call "a biggie."
+Business, what business?
+The business of being a Dad. Can you hand me that magnet?
+Can you do my back?
+I guess I'm not meant to own a cat. I'm much happier petting this leaf.
+Wait, you don't want me to have this cat!
+Look, you don't want to get involved with a girl like me. My cats have a nasty habit of waking up dead. Now go, cough me out of your life like a bad fur ball.
+You're not hurt! You're a good-luck kitty!
+All right, ol' Gil's gonna collect big from insurance! I'll be eating food tonight!
+I'm keeping you! You're Snowball Five, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball Two and pretend this whole thing never happened.
+That's really a cheat, isn't it?
+I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
+I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.
+Okay I've been studying Frink's robot, and I've discovered he has one small weak spot.
+Uh-oh. His weak spot is now his strongest point.
+That moan sounded almost human.
+The Hell it did.
+End of round one! Two hundred and thirty rounds to go!
+B-R-L-F-Q SPELLS MOM AND DAD / WELL THAT AIN'T TOO BAD, 'CAUSE THAT'S MY BOY...
+I like you too, Dad.
+You look a little sluggish out there, boy. I'd better open you up.
+Bart, I'm sorry -- I could never build a robot this awesome. I'm a fraud.
+So, you fought all those robots?
+Affirmative.
+That is so cool!
+You really think so?
+Yeah! Any Poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together -- you risked your own life, even though you're the sole provider for a family of five! I am the luckiest kid in the world.
+And I'm the luckiest--
+Round two!
+Oh no! Dad!
+That robot has given birth to a man!
+Hey, what gives? He's not killing me!
+I'll tell you what gives, I'm afraid he is subject to Isaac Asimov's laws of robotics. With the sci-fi and the so many books, not too many good. My robot is programmed never to harm humans, you see, only to serve them.
+He knows just how I like my martinis... full of alcohol.
+Go! Go! Go! Now's your chance!
+Bart, all that button ever did was send a mild electric shock up my backside.
+Why did you make it do that?
+Keep me focused.
+And the winner is nature's greatest killing machine: man.
+Show me where in the rule book it says that a human can't be a robot.
+Right here. Rule one.
+Well then, join us next week for more inconclusive action on Robot Rumble!
+I concur!
+Son, did you ever suspect it was me?
+Well, you did disappear a lot, but I have gone whole summers without seeing you.
+Yeah, I'm pretty unreliable.
+Let's see... I'll have sixteen gravy scrape 'ems, a bucket of twisty lard, and two super-choker breakfast burritos with macho sauce. And mega-size it, please.
+I could also deep-fry the bag.
+Great. And I'll have a diet coke. Deep fried.
+Hmm... need more lap.
+I can't see! I'll have to steer by the reflection in my watch!
+Why don't I just pull over?
+It's stuck! Krusty collectible toy jammed under brake pedal!
+Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
+Intruder detected. Calling local police.
+Line busy. Shutting down.
+Mr. Burns, the Department of Nuclear Security is very impressed with your plant.
+Yes, we're well-protected against every threat, from bomb-toting Bolsheviks, to golden-armed jazzbos.
+Oh no! I hit the grief counselor!
+Promise... me... you'll report this.
+Consider yourself fired!
+I had a car!
+Mom, can we go into this bookstore? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?
+Well, I could use a muffin.
+I'm gonna go up to the fourth floor where the books are.
+I'm gonna taunt the Ph.D's.
+Hey guys, I heard an assistant professorship just opened up!
+At the University of... psyche!
+Esme Delacroix! She wrote "To Kiss a Scoundrel!"
+"...and they tumbled to the heather, breeches to bustle, crinoline to burlap -- their mansion in ashes, their passion aflame." End of chapter one.
+Yeah, when it happens in a book, it's romantic. But when Willie tries to kiss ya, you're all pepper spray and fingernails.
+Marge Simpson, long-time reader, first-time stander-upper... did you have any special training to become a writer?
+Just a class at the "Y" -- Yale University. But anyone with passion can write.
+Anyone? If I write a book, will they tell me when it comes out?
+Well they should, yes.
+Then I'll do it!
+I gotta get a job before Marge finds out I was fired.
+That's it! I'll steal this sign and they'll pay me to make them a new one!
+I'll show you what we do with scammers like you!
+Okay, here's how it goes: buyers never tell you what they're willing to spend. And when they talk privately, we spy on them through this one-way mirror.
+We'll clean out those stupid Americans.
+...you probably want to talk this over, so I'll leave you two "alone." Excuse me.
+Well honey, what do you think?
+Did that salesman cut one during the test drive?
+Yeah, and for some reason he turned on the radio to cover up the smell.
+Let's get outta here. I'm not shaking that guy's hand.
+They'll be back.
+He was my best friend.
+Cool, an ambulance from the '60s! I bet a lotta hippies were denied care in this thing. Injured hippies!
+We'll never sell this thing. The brakes are shot, the engine's rusted. The only thing that works is the siren.
+Buy me! Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!
+I'll do it!
+Do what?
+Guess what? I quit my job as a used car salesman.
+You work at the nuclear plant.
+Get with the program, Marge. Your husband is now an ambulance driver!
+Don't you need training for that?
+Maybe on planet ZooZoo.
+Hey, I think it's cool. I can defibrillate Lisa!
+Not if I pump your heart full of morphine first!
+Kids, kids. Those aren't your toys. They're to keep Daddy asleep and awake.
+I'm gonna need them on my first shift tonight.
+Tonight? But I was hoping you could watch the kids while I work on my novel.
+Slow down, Picasso! You were gonna start a novel without informing me?
+Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call.
+I also fed some ducklings.
+I know -- I got your message.
+Fine, fine. I'll take the kids tonight, and you go to your precious hair appointment.
+I'm writing a novel!
+Whatever. But I think you look great already.
+Thank you!
+Hmm... what should I write about?
+That painting has always sparked my imagination.
+That's it. A novel about whaling -- that's something you haven't seen before. Thank you...
+Scene From Moby-Dick.
+"Chapter One: Starts and Beginnings." "Swim, swim, swim, thought the whale, flapping his... floppers." Brownie break!
+"...Mayor Quimby, Disco Stu, and our fighting men and women overseas." Well, I finished the "thank yous," time to go back to the novel.
+Temperance Barrows stared at the sea like a dog stares at a ham...
+Ooh, I just finished my first paragraph. Spell check!
+Now cook up my catch.
+Perfect! Now, let's see if lightning strikes twice!
+Where to, Mack?
+For the third time, the hospital. You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
+Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone's goin' there tonight.
+Dad, you've been driving in circles for twenty minutes.
+Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
+Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?
+For Temperance, the days passed on... as did seven of her ten children.
+When will father return from his whaling voyage?
+This family has not seen whale meat for a onemonth.
+Bartleby, Leezakiah, we must be grateful for what we have.
+Family, the good Lord has blessed my voyage! Behold his bounty!
+And for you, good wife, Virginia's miracle crop... tobacco.
+Ooh, it has colored my teeth a healthy brown.
+Was there ever a more perfect husband than you?
+Marge, I'm back!
+Oh Homie, I've had the most exciting day...
+Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need some dinner, stat! And the kids need some CPR lessons.
+We're not paramedics!
+I'll say.
+Oh good, you can use that to take down my dinner order. I'll start with the soup, then a nice mixed grill with a side of wild rice.
+Fine. Right after this revision!
+Temperance had to face the unhappy truth...
+...she had married a brute.
+Hey, baby. I've returned from Portsmouth. Now let me put my tongue down Yourmouth.
+A sea gull?
+The whales weren't biting, okay?
+I know you did your best.
+Yeah, yeah. You know everything, don't ya? Now don't wait up. I'll be at Moab's.
+This story is as dark as those new Milky Way bars. Ooh, that's a good analogy. I'll work it in somewhere. But now I need some romance, pronto!
+Hey Marge, you look like you could use a nice big stud... detector.
+They were two for one at Krusty Home Depot, so I got an extra one for you guys!
+Ned, that's so considerate.
+Well, some say being thoughtful is old-fashioned. If so, then I guess I'm just a cave man. If they existed, which they didn't!
+Boy, when you write you can let your imagination run wild. "Temperance was doing the laundry..."
+My, those are pretty calluses. And your back has a nice New England hump.
+I'm Cyrus Manley, and I'm new to the island. Perhaps you could show me around?
+Nantucket is an island?
+What do you know? It is!
+Well, I could take you on a tour. As long as my husband doesn't need me.
+Hey baby, I know we work together, but I think you're hot.
+Let's go.
+I've never met a man like you. You listen to what I say... your body has known the cleansing touch of soap... prithee tell me thou art not a Sodomite.
+Nope. Not even a Gomorrahian. Oh Temperance, I've got an overpowering urge to see you with your hat off.
+I can't... I must remember my wedding vows.
+Did you promise to be miserable, to be taken for granted by a drunken lout?
+Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
+Enough talk! I need to see how you look... up there!
+And to think my mother had one of those.
+I'm finished! And it's so suggestive. But like they say, "snuggling sells." Now, do I dare push "print?"
+Well, what do you think?
+I can't believe Mom wrote a book before we did.
+And it's a little trashy.
+Mom has expressed herself. We should nurture her!
+Let's kiss boys. Binge and purge. Rock and roll!
+You're not gettin' out 'til we're sixteen!
+I'm proud of you, Mom. But just one thing: isn't your book a little hard on Dad?
+What do you mean? My book is set in whaling times.
+"Captain Mordecai stared at the shop window full of powdered blowholes. 'Mmm, blowholes,' he drooled." Sounds like Dad to me.
+Well, I guess that part is loosely based on your father.
+Maybe you should let Dad read your book before you submit it to publishers.
+I suppose I better. Your father's a very private person.
+Marge! We're out of bath towels.
+Ooh, ice cream truck!
+HERE IN MY CAR / I AM HOSING OFF BLOOD / SOME OF IT'S MINE / BUT MOST OF IT'S NOT / HERE'S MARGE...
+Homie, I finished my novel.
+Ooh, typed!
+It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.
+No problem.
+Two hundred and eighty-six pages!
+It's double-spaced.
+Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
+All right, "Chapter One." Hm, that makes sense. "There once was a girl from Nantucket..." Good, good... "Her name was Temperance Barrows and her heart was heavy with feeling. She..."
+No! Gotta read Marge's book. Can't get distracted. Hm... "distracted," that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get "tracted?" Let me call the suicide hotline and ask them.
+Well what?
+Did you read the book?
+Oh, yes.
+Did you like it?
+Oh that's wonderful. And the characters didn't bother you at all?
+No! They were all in their own way totally awesome.
+And you're fine with me trying to get it published?
+As I've always said: "publish or perish"!
+Oh Homie!
+Marge, this is the best first novel my assistant has ever summarized for me. Now, all we need are some endorsements from famous writers.
+Here's your quote: "Thomas Pynchon loved this book! Almost as much as he loves cameras."
+Hey, over here! Have your picture taken with a reclusive author. Today only we'll throw in a free autograph. But wait, there's more...
+Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time?" Hell no, I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello? Hello?
+If Dad ever reads that book, he's gonna be so humiliated.
+He'll never read it.
+What if they make it into a movie?
+He'll never see it.
+What if they parody it on Mad TV?
+We're doomed.
+So, how much bleach did you drink? Not a talker, eh?
+I loved this book, Marge. Very psychological.
+Dr. Marvin Monroe?! I haven't seen you in years.
+Oh, I've been very sick.
+If you ask me, this book sounds like Marge and Homer.
+No one asked you.
+Think about it: the boorish husband, the neglected wife, the sensitive hunk down the road...
+And on page seventy-two, Temperance's name changes to Marge for three paragraphs!
+Can you believe Marge... Homer doesn't know... Marge... Homer...
+Can you believe that Homer and Marge's marriage is just a sham? All right, I'll order. Um, I'll have a medium pepperoni. And can you space out the meat so it spells "happy birthday Moe"? Oh, God I'm alone.
+Apu, do you sell Crazy Straws? I've got a guy with a broken back and I'm tryin' to cheer him up.
+Oh Mr. Homer, anything for a cuckolded boob, I mean, loyal customer.
+What are you talking about?
+Nothing, nothing. It just seems your wife has an "active imagination."
+Why do you keep talking that way?!
+You'll see when you read your wife's book.
+Well, then maybe I will.
+If you do you'll see she lusts for Flanders.
+That one I got.
+This is how you talk when you learn English from porno movies.
+I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after "To Kill A Mockingbird" gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?
+"The Harpooned Heart." Book on tape! As read by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
+"The Harpooned Heart by Marge Simpson." Your turn, Mary-Kate.
+"There once was a girl from Nantucket. Her name was Temperance Barrows and her heart was heavy with feeling." Take it, Ashley!
+"Temperance was trapped in a loveless marriage." Bummer. I didn't know people were sad in the past.
+"The Harpooned Heart II: Thunder Down Under." Chapter One. Temperance Barrows stared at the shrimp on the barbie...
+How can you write such horrible things about me?
+You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me!
+I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.
+Just tell me how much of this is true!
+Well... there is a place called Nantucket.
+I knew it! And what about the romance between you and Cyrus?
+It was only my imagination.
+Well, I'll make sure you never imagine anything again.
+Flanders!
+Open this door right now!
+Well, I guess it wouldn't kill me to let you in.
+What are you doing here?
+Stealin' doormats.
+Dad's gonna catch Flanders, just like the end of Mom's book.
+Oh yeah. How does that go again?
+Didn't you read Mom's book?
+Fine, I'll tell you how it ends. The brutish Captain Mordecai has cornered his rival, Cyrus...
+Put that harpoon down, Captain. You wouldn't kill the father of your next child, would you? Oops.
+Temperance! I'll treasure your memory as long as I--
+Oh no! Not the new guy...
+Now that your boyfriend's dead, I'm free to be selfish, drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous, pissy...
+"As Temperance watched the two men she had loved and the one whale she admired disappear into the ocean, she realized it was... the end."
+Flanders, pull over! I'm an ambulance!
+Well, he's got me there.
+Dear Lord, please make Homer's blows precise and deadly with a minimum of pain. Oh, and forgive me for those impure thoughts I had about the girl on the raisin box.
+Flanders, I'm gonna do something I shoulda done a long time ago.
+Would you help me be a better husband?
+In Marge's book I was so mean and you were so nice. How can I be more like you? Just give me some advice.
+Advice? Just call me Ann Flanders!
+Uh-huh.
+Oh, and another thing...
+Please Homie, don't hurt him!
+...and a backrub can just be a backrub. It doesn't have to lead to adult situations.
+Why would I rub her back unless I wanted to get some... oh, to make her feel good.
+Oh, Homie! You're trying to improve yourself, and it's because of my book.
+That's right. I love you Marge, and I realize now I should show you more often. The end of your book was the wakeup call I needed after falling asleep at the beginning of your book.
+That's the best review I've gotten. Seriously. These reviews are terrible.
+Don't worry about those losers, Marge. I think it's time we went home and collaborated on a little project of our own.
+Marge, I've got it all figured out: Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby.
+Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
+All right, we're back to square one. Put on some coffee.
+I was so close.
+I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go?
+Books? Books are for squares. We're now a multi-media learning center for children of all ages, but mostly bums.
+Ay carumba!
+"Everybody Poops, the Video?" "Yu-gi-oh Price Guides?" There are hardly any books at all!
+No books? But Krabappel wants a paper on Henry the Eighth -- and I have to score at least a pumpkin sticker or better on it.
+There, there, I can help you kids.
+I know a little something about history. Gather 'round.
+Henry the Eighth had everything he could want, except a son to follow in his footsteps...
+I'M HEN-E-RY THE EIGHTH I AM / HEN-E-RY THE EIGHTH I AM, I AM / I'VE BEEN EATING SINCE SIX A.M. / FOR DESSERT I'LL HAVE DINNER AGAIN / MY NAME'S SYNONYMOUS WITH GLUTTONY / I'LL ALWAYS EAT A TURKEY OR A HAM...
+Stop singing that song! We all know who you are.
+Her majesty, Margarine of Aragon!
+What are you doing out of bed? I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt.
+Your Majesty, I know you want a son, but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court?
+As Royal physician it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents.
+Must sire a dude. Must sire a dude.
+Father dearest, I am the son you crave! I'm smart, athletic and ever so masculine. Could a girl belch like this?
+My beautiful boy! Why can't I have you?
+I'unno. Too much jerkin' your merkin?
+Why you little...!
+Get out of my dreams and into my wife!
+I could have married the King of France. He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Know what I mean?
+How did you two ever get to be explorers?
+Oh, look at me -- I eat and eat and eat, and I never get any thinner!
+Well, there's more of you to worship, oh sire.
+Who would dare to flatter a King?
+Anne Boleyn -- loyal subject, big fan.
+"Modern Wench" Magazine dubbed me "Anne of the Child-Bearing Hips."
+Yes. Wide hips indeed... my son could cartwheel out!
+Where are you taking me?
+Marriage counseling!
+We came here to talk about our problems.
+Fine. I want to marry Anne Boleyn, but I can't chop my wife's head off because her father is the King of Spain.
+Your Majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work.
+And who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get biz-zay.
+Woo hoo!
+Divorce? Sire, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church. But it's the only church we've got, so what are you gonna do?
+I'll start my own church.
+Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of marriages will end in it.
+Your Majesty, I work for the Pope. And I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
+I understand. And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you.
+I can see my house!
+Sweetie, sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart. It's not your fault, it's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything.
+So grow a penis or get lost.
+I can't.
+Bye-bye!
+We got the job because we own a compass.
+Why can't your heir be female? Or-or why can't we elect our leaders?
+I wonder if I could canonize a child...?
+Leaving!
+Hey, I invented divorce -- how did you get half of everything?
+You should have invented the pre-nup. And now, half of your kingdom, please.
+I get Ireland?!
+And by the power vested in me by you just now, I pronounce you King and trophy Queen. In the name of the Henry, the Hank and the Holy Harry. Amen. Henry.
+Okay, now let's put a son in the oven!
+Oh, Henry!
+Henry, sorry I bore you a daughter.
+Stop, Anne, I'll love her as much as I love you.
+Your head lives for five seconds afterwards, so I left a magazine in the basket.
+Ooh! My horoscope! "Today will bring welcome new changes into your life." Wrong!
+Sir Scratchy, I accuse you of conducting a Catholic mass!
+Lord Itchy, I accuse you of not signing the Act Of Succession!
+Oh, if only I had a son to enjoy this with.
+Hey, baby. How'd you like to be Queen for a Day?
+It's funny 'cause you're king.
+Do you, Jane Seymour, take this King to be your lawfully wedded husband until your first little spat?
+Oh, I do! I double do! Henry's the ginchiest!
+The Lord is my shep--
+I told you I was a dude!
+You-didn't-dump-me-I-dumped-you!
+Why on earth did I marry you?
+My track record! I've had ten sons. Now take a ride on the king-maker!
+Swing and a miss!
+oh, come on! I'm ninety-five! You could use a butter knife, for God's sake!
+Don't just stand there, bury me!
+Sire, I know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news, but um... well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads onto.
+I'll show you running out of pikes!
+Hey, what do you know? You were right.
+That means a lot.
+My whole life I was looking for that one woman whose execution could bring me happiness. Now I realize I was just beheading myself for divorcing you.
+...And locking me in a dungeon.
+Listen to us, we still finish each other's sentences. Margarine, won't you take back an old head-chopping fool?
+Of course, your Majesty. Let me just fluff your pillow for you.
+See ya in Hell, fat man!
+Finally, Henry's daughter Elizabeth became Queen. England's power was never greater, and British actresses always had a role to play when they got to a certain age.
+That was awesome, Mrs. S. Check plus plus, here I come!
+Wow, the library really is a great resource! And I just came in here to trip nerds for nothin'.
+Mom, I can't find anything on Sacagawea. Just a couple books on Ron Santo.
+No problem! In elementary school, we girls learned about Sacagawea while the boys were learning math!
+All right! Toilet paper.
+In 1804, President Jefferson...
+...sent Lewis and Clark and some embedded journalists to find the Northwest Passage.
+They paddled up the Mississippi from St. Louis...
+When winter came, Lewis and Clark tried to set up camp, but encountered much hardship.
+Come spring, they sought help from the Native Americans.
+Long have we awaited the coming of the White Man, and Carl.
+Thanks, and welcome to the United States of America.
+Have a flag. And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our lord.
+Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it. Now in order to aid your journey across the land, I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, her name means "Little Know-It-All Who Won't Shut Her Maize Hole."
+I will be happy to help the Americans. Of course I will be sad to leave my husband, the French fur trader, Charbonneau.
+I will come with you. Because by myself, the darkness, she scares me.
+I don't know why I ever sold you to him.
+Okay, those berries are poison, those leaves are poison oak and your belt is a snake, also poisonous.
+I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude.
+You know you... I'm dying. But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger.
+Also, if you're confronted by a mountain lion, try to make yourself look as big as possible. And when you get a chance, bury your friend.
+Hey, we're still mourning. Let's get a drink.
+All right, customers! And they said you couldn't open a bar in Kansas.
+Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit.
+That'll do it.
+At last, the Pacific Ocean.
+That's a mud puddle.
+Some of us find solutions instead of just pointing out problems.
+It turns out the needle was just painted on.
+It's been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here.
+You morons!
+Wait! That's my brother!
+Don't kill them, they're my friends!
+Oh c'mon. Can't we at least have one pity scalp?
+Ah, my brother-in-law. I haven't seen you since I killed all your buffalo. Water under the bridge, eh? Eh?
+Don't forget the eyebrows.
+Wow, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific, and get us some sweet mermaid sex.
+For the last time, those are salmon.
+How do you like that, Sacagawea has an opinion.
+Big surprise. You know, you could be a little more grateful to us for civilizing you.
+I am the only reason you guys made it this far alive. From now on, you're on your own!
+Aw, she'll be back. She forgot her husband.
+Ingrates... after all I did for them... oh warm, wooly rock, you're my only friend.
+We're big! We're big!
+Which you mountain lions find terrifying.
+They remembered what I taught them!
+Of course we did. We'll never forget you, Pocahontas.
+Sacagawea!
+Gesundheit.
+Look! The Pacific Ocean!
+We made it! We discovered the magnificent Pacific Northwest.
+I say we give this lovely land a name worthy of its beauty: Eugene, Oregon.
+And we owe it all to you! You're gonna get the greatest honor this country can bestow.
+And today, Lewis' promise has been fulfilled.
+What is that, a quarter?
+A Chuck E. Cheese token?
+No, it's a Sacagawea dollar. You can trade it in at the bank for a real dollar! Eh?
+Bart, what famous historical figure do you want to write about?
+I'unno. The boogeyman?
+C'mon, Bart -- we can make this fun. History's like an amusement park, except instead of rides, you have dates to memorize.
+Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring.
+Boring? Is there anything boring about a bad-ass rocker who lived fast and died young?
+I know there's a catch, but tell me more.
+As a young prodigy, this popular musician wowed audiences across eighteenth-century Europe...
+And now, the star of our show, my son... Mozart! He makes Bach turn back... Haydn go into hidin'... and... well, those are the only ones there have been so far.
+Hello Vienna! Are there any aficionados in the house?
+Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement!
+I-can't-hear-you!
+Sonata in A, K331, Third Movement!
+Great show, son, but you forgot to push the merchandise!
+Papa, let me be the headliner. I always show up on time and I close the piano lid ever so softly.
+Oh little Salieri, why don't you go play with the other three untalented members of our family... Tito, Randy and Jermaine.
+Sally, no one practices as hard as you -- but it's your brother who keeps us in lead-based face powder.
+Ew! A plague rat!
+Don't you have music to write?
+I'm doing it right now.
+I call this my "Symphony In Gee, My Sister Sucks."
+Oh Lord, why did you give such transcendent talent to such an undeserving fool?
+Because you are ug-ly!
+What is it about music that enchants us? The notes. Our next award is sponsored by Heinrich's Bratwurst "Papa can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst?" For outstanding composer age ten and under, the winner is...
+Please let me win...
+...Mozart!
+Oh, I can't stand it.
+Thank you! Thank you! I want to see you all next week at my concert in...Krakow!
+Wow, it's sold out -- mincing room only!
+I hope they like the opera.
+Oh, they're like sheep. As the emperor goes, so do they.
+Wine here! Get your wine! Claret, Port, Riesling! Emperors drink free!
+I'm an Emperor!
+Nacht-y Nacht.
+BEANS, OH BEANS / DELICIOUS IN YOUR MOUTH /
+BUT, watch out / WHEN BEANS COME OUT DOWN SOUTH
+TOOTING, SOME CALL IT POOTING / IT'S AIR POLLUTING / THE GAS COMES SHOO-OO-TING / RIGHT FROM YOUR BUTT, BUTT, BUTT, BUTT, BUTT, BUTT, BUTT, BUTT, BUTT, BUTT...
+This makes me want to fop 'til I drop.
+The Emperor finds it boring.
+Then so do we!
+People bored with opera? That's impossible!
+To failure, dear brother.
+Kirk, we're going.
+Oh, Mozart, I know you are gravely ill. So I've brought you the very finest doctor in all of Austria.
+Guten Tag, everybody!
+Guten Tag, Doctor Nick.
+I can tell from here you have too much blood. Let's get you covered in leeches!
+Don't be shy, eat the little boy.
+Now in the morning you'll be good as new or dead. But the important thing is, we'll know.
+Mozart, you can't die. I don't want to live in a world without... the income you produce.
+I'll never forget when you were a little baby, and I sang you the lullabies you wrote.
+Where is my sister? Where is darling Salieri?
+I never wanted you to die. I just wanted to destroy your talent and your joy.
+Dear sister. I have a confession. In the eyes of history I always thought your music would be judged the best.
+Really?
+But now that I'm dying young, I'll be cool forever!
+Eat my pantaloons!
+Mozart is dead!
+Get your genuine death masks, fresh off the corpse! Be the first on your block to give me money!
+I must show the emperor my requiem mass. With Mozart dead, I am at last the greatest composer alive.
+You'll have to wait your turn. The emperor is with yet another musical prodigy.
+Splendid, young Beethoven! I hereby declare all other music obsolete.
+Haw haw haw haw. Haw haw haw haw.
+And that's the life of Mozart. Thank God he died young. I've gotta get dinner on the stove.
+Fine. But you can't take Milhouse. I have visitation rights.
+Mom, that sounds a lot like the movie "Amadeus," which was historically inaccurate. Mozart worked hard on his music... Salieri was a respected composer...
+All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in "Animal House." Now there's a movie with good music. ANIMAL HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE... / NOBODY EVER WENT TO CLASS... / THEN WE SAW DONALD SUTHERLAND'S ASS... / ANIMAL HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE... /
+Children, I'm sorry to say, one of your lunches exploded.
+Who has the "Little Bunny Foo Foo" lunchbox?
+Um... that would be me.
+It's not my fault. I can't afford a better lunchbox 'cause I'm poor.
+Shut up! My Mom got too fat to work at Hooters!
+They won't even let her park cars.
+Please children, don't be cruel. Nelson might be poor, but I'm sure he has the seven dollars for today's field trip.
+Um, well, actually...
+Some day...
+Now I know the rest of us are excited about visiting the Museum of Television today.
+Hey, don't tell us how to feel!
+Bart Simpson, be quiet.
+Hey, that wasn't me, that was Milhouse?
+Milhouse? What happened to my little class coward?
+What do you care, Mrs. Krabappel... or should I say, Mrs. Crab Apple?
+Crab Apple? / I never thought of that! / It totally works! / How could I have been so blind?
+ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN' / TOXIC BARREL ROLLIN'
+THEY'RE SO HOT AND GLOWIN'
+WE'LL DIE!
+Smithers, the board of directors is coming here today, and I don't want them to see Snap, Crackle and Pop down there.
+Sir, there's a big cardboard box out back that could keep them amused... they could make a fort...
+No, no, just give them each a nickel and send them to Moe's. Let them while away the afternoon spilling their beer on gullets and trousers whilst drooling over French postcards.
+Hello, I'm Isabel Sanford, the beloved Weezy from "The Jeffersons." At this "museum" you won't see a Michelangelo, but you might see Michael Landon and Beverly De Angelo.
+This blows. Let's sneak off.
+Wander away from the group? Man, you've been huffin' from the Bart bag.
+To old man Burns, who's paying us to drink because we're embarrassing!
+We suck!
+A lot of that went in my lungs.
+Attention American bar devils: it's our anniversary! Free drinks for everyone!
+That's great. I'm honored to drink to Apu and, uh... Apulina.
+You know, Marge and I have an anniversary coming up.
+I have given Manjula many gifts, including a bouquet of flowers, diamond earrings, and we're going to see Paris... Hilton. In Paris... Texas. On our way to Paris, France.
+What did you plan to get your wife, Homer?
+These charity address labels that came in the mail.
+Milhouse, why are you acting so crazy? Did your imaginary friend try to kill you again?
+No, Walter's been cool. Bart, I gotta say something, and it's not easy.
+Well, if it's not easy, don't do it. That's how I got where I am.
+Then let's just say... I don't care what people think of me anymore.
+You mean up until now you did care? Then why did you wear that tutu to school last week?
+What about all the times I didn't wear a tutu? Nobody ever brings those up. Now leave me alone.
+Yes, and you're also supposed to pay child support.
+It's the Paul Lynde-Helen Reddy-Hudson Brothers Easter Special! With guest stars Willie Tyler and Lester and Nadia Comaneci!
+I'd like to hippity hop on your balance beam.
+I don't think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex.
+Circle gets the square!
+TV sure has come a long way, huh Milhouse?
+Check it out -- I'm riding some guy named Ironside!
+Ow, my banana!
+Danger, danger!
+Door ajar.
+The indignity!
+The agents got all my money.
+I'm bored. Let's go switch the heads on the Cosby Kids.
+I don't wanna go home! I'm not done talking to me!
+Just get out this door, rummy, and you're the city's problem. If you make it through the night, you're welcome back.
+Home sweet home. Now to watch some TV.
+Oh, you poor soul. You think that rat is a remote.
+Five bucks? I don't need your sharity! I'll dance for my money!
+Oh you poor man, you think you can dance.
+I didn't say stop!
+Bart... there's something I've gotta tell you.
+I'm moving.
+My mom got a job in Capital City.
+Capital City? You can't move that far, you're my best friend. What's your Mom making? I'll match it!
+It's too late, Bart. My Mom's already transferred her 401K.
+Luann, what are you doin'?
+Look, Kirk, I need a fresh start.
+Well, couldn't you get a fresh start by remarrying your old husband?
+Hey, I thought you said my money was no good.
+I said you're no good. Get in the car, Milhouse.
+This isn't over. I'll fight you with every lunch half-hour I get. Ooh, speaking of which...
+It's gonna be tough to be peppy today.
+Tell me about it.
+Why are your clothes so dirty? And why do you smell like liquor? Have you been clubbing?
+Homie, they're beautiful. That Chevron station has the most romantic bouquets! I feel a swoon coming on... Here it is!
+I am so wasted. Oh my God, oh my God, we're having a simultaneous pass out!
+Well, at least they're not fighting.
+Right this way!
+What's on the menu?
+Oh Bart, I'm sure it's hard to lose your best friend.
+You mean Milhouse? Funny little guy. Afraid of the dark. And the light. Now I got new friends. Guys who get me.
+There's one right now.
+Who is it? Is it Ralph?
+It is not Ralph.
+Hi, Bart! My nose makes its own bubble gum!
+Just get in here.
+Eighteen... nineteen... twenty.
+I found you, Bart!
+Ralph, we're playing checkers.
+I don't like you, boy-mommy.
+Oh, fine.
+Loveless loners are so lucky. There's no way I can afford to give Marge a nice anniversary present.
+Oh, you poor man. You smell worse than you did last time.
+Hey buddy, that's nice sign work. Your penmanship is clear yet sad.
+Hey, I know you. We met in a police lineup.
+Oh yeah, yeah. You know, number two and number four are an item now.
+You don't have to tell me, I was number three. Listen, you have any pointers for a newbie?
+Well, there are six schools of begging -- bad musician, messed-up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zealot, and crazy guy.
+I think you would do well with "crazy guy."
+Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people!
+Wow, now that is good crazy.
+Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!
+Oh yesss!
+I never thought I'd have to take a plane to see Milhouse.
+Well, I'm sure he'll be happy you came.
+Now departing, No-Frills Airlines flight eighty-nine.
+Milhouse, Bart's here!
+What up, B?
+Milhouse? Is that you?
+Yeah, I gave my look some new flava. Suck it in!
+Uh, maybe later.
+What up, M-life?
+Milhouse, this isn't you.
+This is my only chance to be cool.
+Now, please let me give you a wedgie in front of these guys.
+No way!
+Please. I'll be gentle.
+Wedgie!
+Milhouse, you went Cap City on him!
+Springfield baby, in a diaper! / Poked his eye with a windshield wiper.
+Springfield baby / Springfield baby!
+Springfield baby!
+I'll always love you, Bart. Springfield baby! Springfield baby!
+Bart honey, it's a nice day. Why don't you play outside?
+Outside? That's where me and Milhouse played.
+You know, I think your sister could use a little help washing the car.
+You'll be like an owl saying Milhouse who? Milhouse who? Milhouse whooo?
+Hey, Moldilocks. Mom says I'm supposed to help you.
+Fine. You can confirm the accuracy of the hose.
+Ha, ha, ha, you wet your pants.
+Shut up, it's a serious problem.
+Lis, you are so dead.
+I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family.
+Bart, you're in my family.
+Shut up!
+Homie, I'd like to know what you've been doing after work.
+Marge, I'm not gonna lie to you...
+I also found this in your drawer.
+All the answers you need are in here. Happy anniversary!
+Are these Diamondique?
+Diamondelle?
+Cubic Diamondium?
+Dioxy-ribo-diamondoid?
+Close, but no cigar. Just plain diamonds.
+Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
+All right.
+We finally have something to put in the wall safe.
+Hostess Twinkies?
+I heard if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.
+Go ride bikes for a while, huh.
+Yeah, you heard your mother.
+We can't jump this ditch.
+Sure we can. But let me go first. Everyone knows you're the future of this family.
+That's not true, Bart. Mom and Dad value us equally, and... oh, you're right. 'Kay, go ahead.
+Geronimo!
+Just forget everything you know about gravity.
+But I know so much about it.
+Just do it.
+Geronimo!
+Look, we can go inside!
+Ooh, we're like Howard Carter discovering the Temple of Tutankhamen.
+Or like when I discovered the school's Xerox code. One, four, seven. Just sayin' it makes my butt feel warm again.
+Arrowheads!
+Pictographs! Bart, this is a Native American burial mound.
+Look! He's pickin' his nose.
+Hey, we shouldn't tell anyone we were here. This place should be our special secret!
+Okay, shake.
+Psyche!
+Bart, there's spiders in your hair.
+That's what you call commitment to a bit.
+MR. BO-JANGLES / MR. BO-JANGLES / WE'RE ALL BO-JANGLES / WHO KILLED BO-JANGLES? / MAYBE IT WAS YOU...
+Thank you. Thank you. Remember, my dog up and died. Thank you.
+You got your wife the earrings, man. Why are you still doin' this?
+I want to get a second house. Closer to work.
+He's taking all our business! We're gonna have to do something.
+We never do anything, that's why we're bums.
+Hey, you're a woman.
+And you're a three-headed devil dog. Devil dog!
+Wanna make out?
+No one wants to be alone.
+"The Mound Builders worshiped turtles, as well as badgers, snakes, and other animals."
+Thank God we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter who lived two thousand years ago.
+Hi, Janey... Branford Marsalis' car broke down outside your house? And he's just jamming 'til Wynton shows up? Oh...
+Um... some other time, maybe. Today I'm just hanging out at home.
+Hey, Bart, I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun. Wanna go shoot Apu?
+Oh, that does sound fun.
+But not today. I think I'm just gonna hang out at home.
+One time I swung all the way around.
+You did not.
+I know a guy who did.
+You don't know him. He lives in Russia.
+I can't believe they're hanging out.
+Ha! Maybe she'll be a good influence on him.
+Or maybe he'll corrupt her.
+It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
+You Scots sure are a contentious people.
+Diamonds! I still can't believe he gave me diamonds!
+Oh my God! My sister's my best friend.
+Oh my God! My brother's my best friend.
+Ye just made an enemy for life!
+Listen, Mr. Hobo. You may not have laundry to wash, but I do. Now what do you want to show me?
+There's your husband, a.k.a. Mooch-a-lini, Drooly McGee, Corporal Flashback, etcetera, etcetera.
+You're panhandling! I should have known from that panhandling sign! Plus that ticket you got for panhandling.
+But Marge, it was all for you. To buy you all the nice things you deserve. The flowers, the earrings, the Bob Seger boxed set, which really only needed to be one disk, but the box was nice...
+Homer, I don't need fancy things. And even if I did, this is the wrong way to get them.
+And to remind you of what you've done, I'm going to keep these earrings and wear them at social occasions.
+I don't understand.
+Well, then maybe you need to buy me a brooch.
+Bart! I cracked the code of the pictograph. It says there's a curse on the mound. Of course I don't believe in...
+Hi Lisa! I brought you the Cap City version of Monopoly. Baltic Avenue is now Wayne Street. It's awesome!
+Milhouse? I thought your mom took you away forever.
+I got a court order bringing him back. The judge said I was the most pathetic person he'd ever seen in court. Pity custody -- boo-yeah!
+Repo man. I'm here to take your pants.
+Not in front of my son. Please.
+You're somebody's father?!
+Yes, okay.
+Umm, boy.
+Well, I'm glad to be back. Those Cap City kids don't think I'm cool anymore. We were having a sleepover, and a robber came and wet my bed. Then he folded the bed back into the couch...and disappeared into the night.
+I knew you'd blow it. Now let me show you that mound.
+You told him our secret?!
+Hey, he's my best friend.
+Oh. I see how it is.
+Great. Then we're all cool.
+Since he's been back, Milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo. It's always a party with that guy.
+Well, it's nice you have your best friend back.
+You should hang with us sometime, Lis.
+Mmm-hmm... I think I'll go to bed now.
+What's wrong?
+Nothing.
+Hoo boy, are you in trouble.
+What're you talkin' about?
+When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.
+Hey Lis, you wanna play Cap City Monopoly?
+Look, just because Milhouse is gone doesn't mean you have to pretend to be my friend.
+Oh c'mon, I'll roll the dice for you.
+...three, four, five, chance. Pick up a card.
+Bart will make your bed for a week.
+What? Really?
+Yep. Pick up another one.
+But it's not my turn.
+I'm trying to do something nice, you dink. Pick up a card.
+"Bart will defend you when other kids call you a nerd." No one calls me a nerd.
+Trust me, that is a valuable card. Pick up another.
+Bart will give back the Malibu Stacy head you thought was lost.
+Oh Bart, that's really sweet.
+Just because I have Milhouse back, doesn't mean I haven't learned a few things about being a brother.
+I think I'm gonna use this card right now.
+Aw, do I have to?
+This is what sitcoms call "a schmaltzy ending" -- a sentimental capper to leave the audience feeling good. Usually followed by a little coda to cut the treacle.
+Granny, I'm gonna shoot me some Viet Cong.
+Yeah, well I ain't cookin' 'em.
+And George Jefferson, wherever you are, we love you and want you to come home!
+Wait 'til he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat.
+Where's the "ee-yow?"
+All yours, Homer.
+You didn't sit on the toilet!
+Didn't have to, I'm a dude.
+Butt on bowl, little man!
+Hey, my-my pants aren't down!
+It doesn't matter!
+Ee-yow!
+Why you little...!
+Joke's on me, is it...?
+What's all that racket?!
+It's old lady Simpson! Run!
+What's going on?
+Uhh... I'll tell you what's goin' on...
+...I'm taking you all out for pancakes!
+This place looks familiar.
+It used to be the "Leaning Tower of Pizza."
+They just painted the tower brown.
+Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.
+Hey, Apu, what's with the line?
+It's application day at Miss Wickerbottom's Pre-Nursery School.
+Pre-nursery school?!
+The fast track begins at birth.
+Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle?
+That's it, claw and bite for position -- only enough tuition money for two. The rest of you: better luck next life!
+That's a lot of pressure to put on a baby. All they should be worried about is the raspberry monster.
+You know, Marge makes a good point -- competitive schools aren't for every baby.
+Are you saying my daughter can't cut it? Just because I owe you fourteen thousand dollars? I'll show you!
+C'mon, Maggie. You're getting into that school!
+I will hire a collection agency.
+Which one? Tri-City? Omni-Pay? Insta-Threat? I've beaten 'em all!
+The pig says "oink." The chicken--
+Look, stop right there -- I could go to any Chuck E. Cheese in America and hear what animals say. Do you know what I say? I say "next."
+You're a poopy!
+You nurse with that mouth?
+Now what's your name?
+Maggie!
+I'm sorry, but why are you answering for her?
+Maggie doesn't talk yet.
+Not a word?
+Oh no no, she says lots of words. Like when she wants something, she says
+Maggie, we're not a mime school, so we can't take a non-talker, but here's some good news: the Gap will always need sweater-folders.
+I'm sorry we wasted your time, your Lordship.
+My baby has no future!
+Oh, Maggie will do just fine. She'll have plenty of money, 'cause she'll marry a grocer...
+Grocers don't make that much.
+...Who steals from the till, would ya let me finish? Geez.
+Maggie, you're as smart as any one of those kids. C'mon.
+I'm taking you all out for tacos!
+Okay, for Malibu Stacy's beach party we've got pita, humus, tempeh, tofu... what other fun foods do we need?
+Did you do that?
+Okay, what's a good side dish?
+Rice? Why not caviar?
+Oh my God, you're not just smart... you're brilliant! Mom!
+Well look who's back, Pippi Non-talking.
+Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb -- Einstein didn't speak 'til he was three.
+And even then, he could only speak German!
+Fine, I'll give her an IQ test, if only to extinguish all hope.
+All right, my quiet American, how many eyes do you have?
+Go on, Maggie, you can do it.
+Well, congratulations. You're now as intelligent as a pig. Let's see if you can move up to dolphin -- how many people in your family?
+Woo-hoo! I got that one right too!
+Okay, last question. Arrange these four arrows to make five arrows. I remind you, you only have fifteen sec-- Oh.
+Philippa, I think you should come in here. Your baby is brilliant. Why, she could already teach at Florida State.
+Go, Maggie!
+Go, Seminoles!
+This better be important, Henry. I was choking on something.
+Meet Maggie Simpson: IQ 167.
+167?! That's amazing for a Christian.
+But, but my IQ is only 159! Maggie's more intelligent than me?
+That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?
+Yes, thank you.
+So our kids keep getting smarter! If we have another one, it could build a time machine, which we could use to go back in time and not have any kids.
+All our children are smart. Some are just smarter than the others.
+Welcome to "The Others."
+Maggie, I can't believe how much stuff your new school sent over!
+Look at these courses you'll be taking. "Advanced Peek-a-boo".
+"'Got Your Nose' And Other Lies"...
+"If you can read this you're almost as smart as my baby." I'm slappin' this sucker right over "Support Our Troops."
+Look Lisa, there's something in here for you!
+Really?
+And Maggie gets a shirt, too!
+Sweetie, you seem so blue. Did the last of something die?
+No Mom, it's just that I used to be "the smart one" -- now I don't know who I am.
+Well, I know who you are. And here's something to help you never forget!
+I already have one of those.
+Well, then... find a new identity.
+Your mother's right, honey. Katie Couric didn't just become the world's most famous dwarf, she escaped from the circus and went for it!
+All right, if I'm second rate as the smart kid, I'll find a new raison d'être.
+That still sounds like the smart kid.
+Right, right.
+Time to show them the new me. No one's happier and more well-adjusted than a standup comedian.
+How 'bout these entrées? Stuffed cabbage? Can you believe they found a way to make cabbage worse?
+All right, so what else is goin' on? Let's see... Hey! Why do they call them field trips? We never go to a field!
+Oh, untrue. Last Thursday we visited a battlefield.
+Uh, well I...
+I'm bem-barrassed for you.
+The following "haw haw" is not from amusement, but an expression of contempt. Haw haw!
+Okay, okay, don't get discouraged. Every me they reject gets me closer to the me they'll like.
+What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders' fan?
+It's called Goth, eternally clueless one. My new name is Ravencrow Never-smiles.
+Cool, we can be Goth together! We'll go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk.
+Okay. But first, you must apprentice by kissing the goddess Ironica, uh... who lives in this rock.
+Do it for an hour, hour and a half.
+Yes, my mistress.
+Oh, none of these feel right. Oh wait, did I try "soccer player?"
+Tried, and failed.
+I'm a mess. I can't believe I'm jealous of a baby.
+Hey, I'm jealous of her, too. When you're a baby, you spend all day just rollin' around on the floor. Boy, I miss that.
+Fine. Roll around on the floor, baby.
+Floor baby! Floor baby!
+You're making fun of him for something you made him do.
+Yeah, well, you're gay.
+People who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality.
+Bullies rule!
+The school sent this dealy over for Maggie. His name is Phonic Frog.
+Aw. Buh. Kkk.
+Huh. Oh. Muh. Eh. Er.
+That's me. Huh-oh-muh-eh-er!
+This-is-Huh-oh-muh-eh-er's-doc-tor. He's-too-sick-to-work-today.
+I'll be right back.
+Fine, I'll help you with your stupid flash cards.
+Aren't you smart. Let's try another one... A little harder this time.
+No. That's wrong.
+That's right! This spells "dog."
+You were purposely teaching her the wrong word!
+Lisa, I'm surprised. Your sister just wants to learn and be like you. Well, maybe she needs a better role model.
+I-agree-with-your-mother.
+You are a disappointment to Huh-oh-muh-eh-er.
+I used to be the smart one.
+Where-is-my-dinner?
+Maggie, you're such a quick learner -- why don't you learn how to fly!
+But-I-love-you.
+Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z...
+Goodbye, Maggie. I'm smart enough to know you're better off without me.
+Two cents...
+Well, I'm sure a lot of great people have started with less.
+Nope. Never under a dollar.
+Lisa's gone! You have to find her!
+Why can't you just accept the fact that Lisa is old enough to take care of herself? Back off and let her live her life.
+But she's only eight!
+Oh, I thought you said "eighty." Well, we'll get right on it. Now this may not be the best time, but I'm supposed to give you this survey rating the effectiveness of the Springfield Police Department.
+Worst voicing ever.
+"Somewhat satisfied?" I see. Well, maybe I'll just "somewhat" find your daughter. Huh?
+Fine. "Extremely Satisfied."
+Lookin' good, boys. Now let's go get some smoothies.
+Oh, I'm tired, I'm hungry, red plastic sandals are not great running-away shoes...
+Air conditioning... water fountains... dioramas... and I'll never run into my family here! It's the perfect place to start a new life.
+No food allowed... you can't hide it in your clothes... would you please step out of the line, sir?
+Go ahead and search, you'll never find it all. I'm baking muffins as I speak!
+Some trees are big, some trees are small, but all trees have bark -- except for poplar, ash and maple.
+Lousy Maggie... thinks she's so great... thinks she knows...
+I miss them all so much.
+I hope this typeface catches people's eye. It sure didn't move our old fondue set!
+Why do you always take the children and not the fondue sets? Why, Santa, why?
+Good news, Simpsons -- we found your daughter's belongings.
+Where'd you find these?
+Giant tongue.
+Oh, I knew it!
+We also discovered something very unusual at that museum.
+Oh my God, what?
+Well, if you drop a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum, they'll fall at the same rate. You think you've seen it all in this job, and then something like that comes along.
+C'mon, c'mon...
+That's where we found your daughter's things.
+Finally, a real celebrity.
+You look around there while Eddie, Lou and I go ask a few questions. Like, how does a helicopter fly?
+And what causes thunder?
+I say it's angels bowling.
+Lisa... Lisa...
+Oh no, the giant is waking up!
+Oh God, we're in a belly. Everyone take off your shoes.
+How do we get out?
+Your baby has to press the red evacuate button.
+Chief, we got a problem here.
+I see a vase, but Eddie sees two people in profile.
+This may shock you... but you're both right.
+Maggie! The red button... Hit the red button!
+Hit the red button!
+Maggie! Press the red button!
+I know, we'll use reverse psychology. Maggie, don't press the red button!
+Damn it!
+Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe.
+Mom, Dad! I'm so sorry I got you into this!
+Lisa! You're all right!
+Oh good, she's here in time to see us die!
+Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift. From now on I'm gonna nurture and cherish--
+Just tell her which friggin' button to push!
+Maggie, push the red button!
+You can do it. Red!
+Well, Marge, you can't say I never take you anywhere.
+Uh-hmm.
+Well, I think we all learned a lesson today: don't try to be something you're not. Namely, food.
+Chief, now I can't see either one.
+Well, we're all pretty tired. Let's try a different one.
+Which figure is bigger? The answer will knock your socks off.
+I'm sorry I ran off. Being second to Maggie's not so bad. But why didn't Maggie press the right button 'til I told her to?
+I believe I can answer that.
+How'd you get in here?
+Your butler let us in.
+Play along, I'll explain later.
+I'm afraid your daughter is no longer welcome at our school. She's as common as an angry woman in an Ibsen play.
+Let's just watch the tape, monkey man.
+Whenever Maggie is asked a question, she looks over at Lisa.
+Okay Maggie, how many eyes do you have?
+Go on, Maggie, you can do it.
+Now rotate and magnify.
+I don't remember doing that. I would never cheat!
+Perhaps, but subconsciously, you wanted her to succeed. Watch.
+Here, you're telling her the answer is "no."
+Here, the solution is a square.
+Here, you're telling her the answer is "California condor."
+So Maggie's not a genius?
+She could be... at sweeping up hair.
+That's my baby, jerk.
+You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like "so what"?
+Again with the nose. I have a chin, you know.
+Don't worry, sir. The maid and I will take him out to the curb. C'mon, c'mon.
+You promised me no one would get hurt!
+I don't care what they say, Maggie. To me you're brilliant.
+Not for babies.
+Do we really need three of these people?
+Too ethnic, change it.
+More like Cartwrong!
+Oh good, more producers. Just what they need.
+Him, I like.
+Yes, but what's he done lately?
+Very original. Simon Cowell as Simon Cowell. Well done.
+I really don't care anymore.
+All useless.
+Do credits really have to go this long?
+Oh, shoosh yourself.
+The Wild Dingleberries?
+It's a movie version of a cartoon family you can see for free on TV.
+But they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest... from the hood!
+I am so there!
+Sorry, pally, the Dingleberries are sold out. But looking at you, I'm sure your kids are used to disappointment.
+How 'bout "Diet Coke -- the Movie?"... "President Air Bud: Tail To The Chief?"... "My Big Fat Greek Salad?"
+Sold out... Sorry... Not a movie. The only movies starting now are "The Re-deadening" and "Teenage Sex Wager."
+Ooh, well, I am curious to see if those teens lose their virginity. And the wager only sweetens the deal.
+Mr. Simpson, that movie is condemned by our church's movie guide.
+What Would Jesus View?
+Refresh my memory. These dweebs are with us why?
+Because Mr. Flanders volunteered to take the senior citizens out for ice cream.
+This ice cream's too cold! Oh, I cut myself on the cone!
+Now now, remember why we're here: to celebrate Jasper's birthday.
+Birthday?
+Yo, yo, yo give it up for M.C. Birthday! I SAY A BIRTH, A DAY, A BIRTH-A-DEE-DAY! / NOW MY GOOD-TIME GANG WILL BLOW YOU AWAY!
+Never leave the day room! Never leave the day room! Never leave the day room!
+Okay kids, forget the movie. We'll just go to the furniture store and sit down.
+Ah, two for "The Re-deadening," please.
+"The Re-deadening"? Is that any good?
+Good? I'm in it! I had a small speaking role.
+Yeah, I went to visit him and was banned from the set!
+Mr. Leonard, how'd you get in a movie?
+Classic Hollywood story -- the director saw my photo in a medical book.
+Hey Lenny, is your film appropriate for kids?
+Oh yeah, there are lots of kids in it! They fall victim to a vicious--
+Don't ruin it for me! One adult and four children for "The Re-deadening."
+What's that, Baby Button-Eyes...? You want me to kill Mummy?
+But Mummy is ever so kind... What? Your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic killer? Then I have no choice.
+Hey, I paid for this popcorn and I'm eating it.
+Mr. Simpson, I'm scared.
+Relax, stupid. Everything you see is make believe. Although it is based on a true story. Some of which happened in this very theater.
+Ooh, ooh, here comes my part.
+Baby Button-Eyes? What are you doing possessed at this hour? I'd better tell the governess.
+Oh God, the prophecy has been fulfilled!
+The buttons look like they're sewn to my eyes, but they're really held on with hot wax.
+Dad, I don't like this movie. Can we go home?
+Oh honey, don't be scared. Look, they killed the evil doll.
+Well, what do you know? It's unkillable.
+Honey, can daddy rest his soda on your head?
+That's my girl.
+You took little children to "The Re-Deadening"?!
+Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgment for you.
+But scaring kids is good for them. It hardens them against future terrors -- like roofing and driveway scams.
+Sorry. I forgot I bought the soundtrack album.
+Honey, I know you're scared. But there's no boogie woogies or wooly bullies out there.
+Oh, your nightlight's burned out. And the only bulbs we have left are these red ones.
+It was only a movie, filmed in Vancouver, with Donald Sutherland as the priest who stopped believing...
+Achem! Achem! ACHEM!
+Both of us heard mysterious noises coming from this very spot.
+Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source.
+Must be the pipes. What do you think, Bart?
+I think you're on your own, toots!
+Okay. I'll just stay calm and approach this scientifically.
+Oh God, oh God. Oh nooo. If I don't make it out alive, I love you, Mom and Dad. Maggie, you can have my books. And Bart, I'll see you in Hell, you booger-eating wuss. That's right, we all know!
+Copyright Pink Pony Productions. Visit us on the web at Lisathemovie.com.
+Homie, that Kojak is sexier than Cannon and Barnaby Jones put together. I think he looks a little like you.
+Who loves ya, baby?
+How about a little "interrogation?"
+Okay. You have the right to remain sexy. Anything you touch can and will be held against you in a court of sex. If you cannot afford a sex-torney--
+Mom! Dad! There's a ghost in the house!
+Good. Can you play with him for half an hour?
+I don't see any ghost. I did find this Newsweek from 1986: "Why America Loves Saddam Hussein."
+That's it. It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children, but quite another for him to play my theremin.
+Hello, Simpsons!
+Artie Ziff!
+None other! I've been hiding in your attic -- living off the moisture I can suck from the rafters!
+I thought we killed him!
+No we didn't.
+But I did delete him from my bulk email list.
+No you didn't.
+That's right. Twice a week I get your email of the monkey peeing in his own mouth.
+Oh yeah. That monkey got America through some tough times.
+Artie Ziff! Why are you living in our attic?
+Let me explain. I was an internet billionaire.
+Say no more.
+I would stop, but I love my voice!
+It was the go-go nineties...and I was partying with Newt Gingrich, Janeane Garofalo and Scottie Pippen.
+Everyone loved my corporation. And then the bubble burst.
+Wait! Don't go! My stock will have a slight rebound in two thousand three!
+I had nothing...
+They even took my repo vans.
+I had nowhere to go. So I came here because Marge is the closest thing I've ever had to true love.
+We had one date. And you were not a gentleman.
+Don't worry, if you let me stay, I'll be on my best behavior. Not even a fresh remark. Except this one: wowie wow, wow, wow! Zazooga!
+I don't know, Artie...
+Forgive me. I'm just so envious of the happiness you all have. Can I please be part of it, just 'til I get back on my feet?
+No way! He's an annoying sneak who's out to steal my wife.
+Come on, Dad. With his brains and your musky smell, I've got a full male role model.
+And it would be nice to have someone here I can beat up.
+No fair! I'm telling!
+Okay kids, you can keep him.
+"When she pressed her lips to his forehead and walked out with Denise and Gary into the warm spring night, she felt that nothing could kill her hope now. Nothing."
+Thanks for reading me "The Corrections." It makes me feel better about my own family.
+Doesn't your father ever read to you?
+He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
+Hey, Mom. Can I sleep over at Milhouse's?
+I thought you were playing catch with Artie.
+Yeah, but after the ice cream man cut up his credit card, he got a little depressed.
+Oh my. Well, Homer, maybe you should take him to Moe's.
+C'mon, little fella. You're hangin' with me tonight.
+Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff.
+Hello, handsome!
+Hello... losers.
+Coming up: can yodeling cure cancer?
+Of course not. But first, where is Artie Ziff?
+The S.E.C. wants to know! It seems Ziffcorp spent stockholders' money on everything from marble toothbrushes to solid gold underpants.
+Small investors have been wiped out.
+I'm not.
+I lost all me "screw you" money.
+I'm very sorry to hear that, Willie.
+Screw you!
+Authorities are currently operating under the theory that Ziff is living in a cave somewhere.
+He's not in here, Chief.
+That's some good spelunking, Lou. Mighty fine spelunkin'.
+Okay, read 'em and weep.
+I don't know why I'm losing. Maybe I have some kind of "tell." Hot mamma, I'm livin' in flush-town, population Artie!
+I guess I'm in for fifty cents.
+I fold. / Me too. / I'm out. / I'm done.
+I'll see your fifty cents and raise you one dollar.
+Well, I'm out of cash. But would you accept ninety-eight per cent of the outstanding shares of ZiffCorp stock?
+And the peanuts in your mouth.
+Very well.
+All of them.
+Flush. What have you got?
+Four jacks.
+Check it out! I own a multi-national corporation. I always knew some day I'd be a C.O.D.
+Freeze! Securities and Exchange Commission!
+Artie Ziff, you're wanted for stock manipulation and securities fraud.
+It's scum like you that undermine investor confidence.
+Investor confidence? Perhaps this affects me -- I own two hundred and thirty million shares of ZiffCorp stock.
+You're the majority shareholder?
+I sure am -- with all the inherent legal liability.
+You're under arrest!
+Wait a minute. How can you arrest Homer? This guy's the one what done the thing that why you're here for. I'm talkin' malfeasance here.
+All right, I admit it. I did run ZiffCorp into the ground. Then this man took me into his home when no one else would. And now, as a result of his brilliant card playing he's the one you want! Tape his mouth so he can't deny it!
+Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail! Tell them I've joined the Blue Man Group! I'm the fat one!
+Homer Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that your company has betrayed the public trust?
+Plead the fifth amend-what?
+Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?
+Inseminate myself? Dudes, I think this guy's comin' on to me.
+You sir, are a moron.
+Oh, for heaven's sakes!
+Your majesty, can I go home now?
+Your company's crimes have left a scar on this great nation. And she was so beautiful. But what man would want her now?
+Yeah. She was hot.
+My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault! Do you know why no one likes you?
+Anti-Semitism?
+No. Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself.
+Marge, I think about a lot more than just moi.
+ARTIE / ARTIE ARTIE / ARTIE / ARTIE ARTIE / ARTIE / ARTIE ARTIE / ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF ZIFF.
+Oh my God, she's right.
+I never want you in this house again!
+If he's out, can I move back in?
+Oh, what do you think?
+And she's the nice one.
+Okay kids, this book should help you deal with your feelings.
+Look Maggie, it's a pop up! "Daddy's made a shiv. Can you help him ice Johnny Shakes, the jailhouse stoolie?"
+Hey, let me read it to her. "Johnny's friends get some payback on daddy while he's sleeping..."
+Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire. Daddy's not on fire. Daddy's on fire...
+Daddy's not on fire.
+Okay, fine, he is.
+I miss you guys so much. The smell of Marge's pork chops... the way you kids kiss my "owies" when I go boom... This place has become like a prison to me!
+Hey Dad, maybe this'll cheer you up. Why you little...
+Aw, it's no use, son. By the time I get out of here you'll be grown. TURN AROUND / TURN AROUND / TURN AROUND AND YOU'RE A YOUNG MAN / AND YOU'RE TOO BIG TO CHOKE.
+Well, well look who showed his face. The louse who sold out his only friend. You've got a lot of nerve comin' here... but since you did, what'll it be? First one's on the house.
+Is this dump open? We were jogging and we ran out of cigarettes.
+Pardon me for intruding, but I believe teenage girls shouldn't smoke.
+Are you still livin' with Marge?
+No. She kicked me out for sending her husband to prison.
+You put Homer in jail? The hair is standing up on the back of my knees.
+Keep your Odor Eaters on, Selma. I've seen you get hurt too many times.
+I'm not gonna let him into my heart, or my bedroom. Just ten minutes on the beanbag. C'mon, Short Round. We're goin' back to my Temple of Doom.
+Be gentle!
+You know, they say that the love of a good woman can save any man.
+Except you, freak.
+Well, if you change your mind, you know where I am.
+In my nightmares.
+I'm gonna stop now.
+What the Hell are you doing?
+I can't get my socks off.
+Leave 'em on. I like a man with a little mystery.
+I'm done.
+My kinda man.
+Wonderful, glorious, magnificent. And you were pretty good, too.
+Selma, you've made a new man of me. Thanks to your angry love I can no longer sit by selfishly while another suffers for my book-cooking.
+What are you gonna do?
+First I'm gonna read the paper, have a little nosh, then I'm gonna rinse out a few things. And then, finally, I will get an innocent man out of jail!
+Well, he can't break my heart 'cause he kinda makes me sick. This could work!
+Artie Ziff shocked investigators today by turning over a second set of books, detailing his own financial culpability, and exonerating stumbling, bumbling boob Homer Simpson. Simpson's grateful family had this to say:
+I'm so happy to be getting my husband back.
+And I'm happy to listen to F.M. ninety-five point three. Home of Boomer and the Diz!
+Chill out, Mom. They gave me this hat.
+Sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned, Simpson.
+Can I apply my time toward a future crime?
+You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch.
+No one ever chooses the car.
+Oh Dad, I missed you so much.
+Oh my God! Maggie, you're talking!
+Homer, I believe that's Lisa.
+Oh Bart, what a man you've become.
+Artie, thank you for doing the right thing. Eventually.
+All I needed was the love of a good woman. And since you're not interested...
+Merely checking. Because I'm into that.
+I'll visit you in two weeks.
+I have to admit, I'll miss having him around.
+I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.
+Yo, hobbit. I'm, like, your roommate.
+Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you.
+Squirt, squirt, squirt. Your lungs will thank me!
+Kids, you'd better take your last look at Uncle Artie.
+Oh look, there's a whole bunch of you! Squirt, squirt, squirt! That's it, circle around me. Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Oh, I'm gonna need more water!
+Oh God, I love to smoke. We're live at the opening of the latest chapter of the epic space saga, "Cosmic Wars"! And the nerds have emerged from their basements, wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight.
+Simpsons, your lack of costumes ill-befits line positions two, three and four.
+Where's your costume?
+Your ignorance is amusing, and sad. I am dressed in the actual clothing worn by "Cosmic Wars" creator Randall Curtis.
+I bought them at auction, then added pregnancy panels to fit my unique body type.
+One ticket for the space show -- I want to see if any of them aliens match up to the one I got in my root cellar.
+One ticket for "Cosmic Wars!"
+Uh, Sir, this is the line for "The Momentum of Things" starring Ellen Burstyn and Jim Broadbent.
+Aw, man! I waited three weeks at the wrong ticket window.
+Man, even I think movie popcorn has gotten too big.
+Get your own, mooch.
+Yes! Finally!
+Amendments? Regulatory agencies? What the fark-bot?
+Who knows what fantastic creature these two men are creating?
+Don't worry, they're just getting the plot out of the way so it won't slow down the .
+Before the Galactic Senate votes, we shall call roll. Star system Abbotan...?
+Star system Acroilius...?
+Aga moogang!
+Star system Trebulon Prime...?
+Whoa, mama. Finally, some action!
+Mr. Chairman, I propose a procedural amendment to Space Bill Number Three Seventy-One.
+You'll wait your turn!
+Very well.
+Trebulon Minor...?
+Oh, I'm so bored! Maybe I'll clean out my wallet.
+Hey, my car insurance expired. Quite a while ago.
+Son, if you don't dig more coal, they'll put you on the dynamite gang.
+No dy-mite!
+I didn't realize British coal miners had it so bad. There's blood on your hands, Mrs. Thatcher!
+Jim-Jam, what happened to the wheel covers on my landing gear?
+Me-sa sell them to buy me-sa some space spliff.
+That character is just a tired stereotype.
+Yes, and it's-a makin' me so mad, I'm-a gonna throw the meatballs at the screen. But first I gotta pose for a pizza box.
+The decision is final -- tabled, this motion is. Or is it?
+That sucked!
+I can't believe the "Gathering Shadow" was Senate redistricting!
+Worst "Cosmic Wars" ever. I will only see it three more times. Today.
+That's it. From now on I'm not looking forward to anything. Oh my God, tomorrow there's a two-for-one sale on piano benches! I can't wait!
+I feel so ripped off by that crappy movie, I'm gonna chip a big hole in the floor.
+Kids, why don't you write a complaint letter? That's how I got the Channel Six weather girl to start wearing a bra.
+That was you!?
+A letter, huh? Okay Lis, get this down.
+Dear Randall Curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely...
+I'll write the letter.
+Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather!
+"Dear Cosmic Wars fan, I'm glad you loved my film?! Here's a photo of your favorite new character, Jim-Jam Bonks. May the power be on your side, Randall Curtis." He ignored our criticisms!
+We're gonna have to track Randall Curtis down and make him listen to us.
+And I know just where to find him. 742 Evergreen Terrace.
+Dad, that's our address.
+He's in the house?
+No, he lives at the "Cosmic Wars Ranch" in Northern California.
+Can we go? Can we go? Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!
+Well, northern California is wine country -- we could take a tour.
+And it's a perfect time... I just got fired again.
+Enjoy your tour, and take it easy on Mr. Curtis. Your father and I will be across the street at The Lush Valley Winery.
+Marge, are you sure we should go drinking together? I mean, who am I gonna complain about while I'm drinking?
+We should do more together. You're my best friend, Homie.
+Well yeah, legally. But if we're really best friends, how come we never play hoops?
+The doctor said if you tried running again, your ankles would shatter.
+Hm, all right, we'll go on the winery tour. But you'll have to catch me first!
+Ow, my ankles snapped.
+This is the "Creature Works" -- where if you dream it we can make it. Unless it has too many fingers, which are tough.
+It's a hip-hop loaf of garlic bread for an Olive Garden commercial.
+Yo, yo, yo! Entrees start at six ninety-five. Offer not good on Sunday, fool.
+C'mon Bart, here's our chance.
+But the bread's still dancing!
+The Mediterranean climate is reproduced by cool Pacific winds, mixed with exhaust fumes from the highway.
+Ahh, summer in Tuscany.
+Mmm, it goes great with the Jolly Rancher I'm sucking on!
+Pleasant aroma, rich full body, well-aged... and the wine's not bad either.
+Stop it, Seinfeld.
+We always get the hicks on Saturdays.
+"Lord Kraylac, if you want to take that deduction, THEN you'll have to bring your receipts." "Then bring them I shall." This is awesome.
+Hey, what are you doing here?
+We come from the real world.
+And we're here to tell you that your movies have lost their way.
+No they haven't! My characters are getting better all the time, now that we've perfected digital eyelash rendering.
+Better technology doesn't mean better storytelling.
+Well, now I know you're crazy.
+Wait, before you have us killed, hear us out.
+I will wait ten of your earth seconds.
+Your early movies are timeless classics. Please, Mr. Curtis. Go back to what made your first films so great.
+You know what? You're right.
+I'm going back to my roots -- plots and characters lifted from westerns and Samurai films. To the video store!
+Kids, please accept these boxes of Jim-Jam cereal. It's just Alphabits with extra J's.
+Well, we've learned if you don't like something, just go to the office and complain. What's our next stop?
+"Fox Broadcasting, 10201 West Pico, Building 203..."
+I drank this much!
+Mom's not gonna like this.
+Don't tell mama what mama don't like. Come here, you big lug!
+Wow... Mom and Dad sure are having fun.
+Hey, as long as they're not hurting anybody.
+Whoa... I-I'll give you money... I'm gonna tell... etc.
+Homie, to store the extra wine we bought, I made a little wine cellar.
+Ooh! Can I have my special cup?
+Well, I've been using it for laundry soap, but, okay.
+Homie, you are so cute.
+Oh honey, I love to hear you laugh.
+I don't talk like that.
+Yes you do.
+Well, you talk like Marge, sorry I set the bed on fire.
+Hey, you do a great me, Marge. You gotta show the guys at Moe's.
+Moe's Tavern? That's your fun place, like me and the lamp store.
+Come on, we'll have a blast. Kids, while we're out, the TV's in charge. Go to bed when it says.
+Two glasses of wine, Moe.
+Wine? Jeez. No one ever orders that. Umm...
+All I got is this old stuff here. Chateau Latour -- eighteen eighty-six? Oh, I should just throw this out.
+No, it'll have to do.
+That'll be four bucks.
+Now, in a step I perhaps should have taken initially, let me look up the value of that bottle in this wine collector's guide.
+All good points. Sleep tight, my drunken angel.
+Oh, what have I done? Lemme dry my tears with this lost Shakespeare play.
+Did you guys get home at two last night?
+Yep. Your mother and I have become a legendary party couple. Like Scott and Zelda Munster!
+The best part is, I don't have to ask your father where he was all night, because I was there!
+Why are your keys in my scrambled eggs?
+And why is Krusty on the couch?
+This'll cover what I did to the fireplace.
+Oh, my head!
+Do you have to make such an unholy racket?
+Sorry, Marge -- I gotta break in my ski boots some time.
+Maybe we should put this booze cruise in dry dock for a while.
+No problem. We can still have fun without you drinking.
+Okay... and maybe you could cut back too.
+You got it. And when I feel weak, I will draw strength from the Bible.
+Uh-oh. Here comes the gospel according to puke.
+I hope I can still have fun while everyone else is drinking.
+Don't worry, honey. I don't even know if they serve alcohol at this thing.
+Duffmensch orders you to party! This Reich will last a thousand beers! Oh ja! I do this, and I'm Jewish.
+Eins, zwei, drei, beer!
+Ahh, the Germans. You just can't stay mad at 'em.
+Well, I don't want to be a "Gloom-Hilda." I guess one beer won't hurt.
+Isn't that a little big?
+You can just nurse it.
+Nurse it! Nurse it!
+Have you ever walked on stilts? It's not that great.
+Yes, and you've said that several times now.
+Eh, why do people worry about stuff?... it's all gonna work out.
+I'm in no condition to drive. Wait -- I shouldn't listen to myself. I'm drunk.
+Okay, okay. Remember the rules for drinking and driving. Drive slow but not too slow. Drink some cola to keep yourself alert.
+What the?
+Nice work, cruise control.
+Are we home yet?
+In a minute, honey.
+Oh my God! If I get one more D.U.I., they'll take away my license. And what will I leave when I rent rollerblades?
+Oh boy, I smell beer.
+Devil's mouthwash.
+You weren't callin' it that at the Christmas party.
+Okay, I'm gonna need you to let that go, Chief.
+Oh my God!
+This D.U.I. is a she-U.I.!
+Oh no! I'm gonna be incarce... incarce... incarce... I'm going to jail.
+What was that?
+Maybe someone else is here. And maybe he'll step forward and admit to being the real culprit.
+Aw, this is a new low for me.
+I paid your bail, honey. You're free to go.
+I can't believe I drove drunk.
+But you do believe it, right?
+I don't know what to believe anymore.
+That's my girl!
+Just take me home.
+Where's your wife tonight, Homer?
+She's not coming anymore.
+What? It's 'cause of her I put in a bidet. Well, it's actually just a step ladder by the water fountain.
+Listen, Moe. I did something really terrible to someone I love.
+Hey, look. I've been in the bartender business for a long time alright, I've heard it all.
+Well, what I did was...
+What are you? You're like a monster! That's like the worst thing I ever heard anybody do to anybody. You should be drinkin' watered-down beer in-in-in a chipped glass, on a stool with a nail sticking up.
+Can I have some peanuts?
+All right, but I get to poke you with a stick.
+So, hey, did you see the game last night?
+The blood of Christ.
+Hey, save some for the rest of us, Alky!
+Don't bogart our Lord!
+I'm not a drunk!
+Now Marge, we do not judge here.
+Today's service is concluded. I suggest you all get on the road before Marge.
+Marge, when I finally decided to stop drinkin', there was a place that really helped me out. Maybe they can help you.
+This is a pamphlet for chimney sweeping.
+Is it, Marge? Is it? Oh, it is.
+Here you go -- this place is great. It cured me five times!
+My drinking problem is out of control. At Oktoberfest, all I could think about was beer! I couldn't even celebrate... the harvest.
+I can't talk to my wife for twenty-eight days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic! You can't put me on hold! I'll put you on hold!
+I AM A LINEMAN FOR THE COUNTY Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. AND I DRIVE THE MAIN ROAD There are... eight... calls ahead of you. AND THE WICHITA LINEMAN IS STILL ON THE LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LINE!
+Dad, I still have a couple-a questions about this. Mom never drives drunk, and the crash was in your car. Also, the driver's seat was adjusted for your stomach...
+Then you should thank God you're in a rehab center. 'Cause we're packin'!
+Cash bribes only.
+Lisa, Lisa, your suspicions are important to me and will be answered in the order received. MacARTHUR PARK IS MELTING IN THE DARK / ALL THAT SWEET GREEN ICING ROLLING DOWN / SOMEONE LEFT MY CAKE OUT IN THE LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI- LI... LI... LI... LI...
+You know how some people are chocoholics? Well, I'm an alcoholic.
+Look, I'm not sure this place is working. The drinkers are smoking, the smokers are drinking, and the gamblers are having sex with everything that moves.
+Hey baby, d'want to play Caribbean stud? I'll show you what I'm holding.
+Get away from me!
+Your loss, stupid lady.
+Flanders, can you watch my kids while I'm at the rehab clinic?
+Oh, thank God. You're finally fighting your demons.
+My demons and I are closer than ever. Next year we're gonna visit every major league baseball park. I'm just goin' in to bust Marge out.
+Well, that's good too, I guess.
+Feed my pets and tape my shows!
+I'm here to deliver a package to Marge Simpson.
+Where's the package?
+Dammit!
+I have an awful confession to make: you didn't crash that car, it was me. I put you behind the wheel and I'm so, so, so sorry.
+You let me believe that I'd done such a terrible thing?
+Marge, I did it out of love. Love of not being arrested. But I realize now that nothing is more important than you.
+I can't believe you did that to me.
+That woman means the world to me. Would it be all right if I read from my Bible?
+Of course.
+No wonder they call it "the good book."
+I am so cheesed off. I need a drink!
+Yarrr, a couple of these and your first mate turns into Reese Witherspoon.
+Pour me another.
+Just take the whole leg.
+What's with all those rapping grannies in the movies? If I ever start rappin', just shoot me in the head.
+How you doin', Big Blue?
+Well, I feel a buzz, but I don't feel happier. It's not like when I was drinking with Homer.
+Maybe it wasn't the alcohol you liked.
+Hey, you're right! What I enjoyed was spending time with my husband.
+You're hooked on love, Marge. I know that feelin'. Nine months later Seymour plopped outta me. I woulda kept walking, but there were cops everywhere.
+Well, I love my husband and I'm glad I do. My name is Marge S. And I'm a Homer-holic!
+You're drinkin' Homer-hol? I'll take a swig.
+I'm afraid what I like can't be swallowed, sniffed or smoked.
+Hmmm. Then you better inject it between my toes. 'Cause my Mom checks my arms!
+Thanks for everything, Kyle.
+Yes, I really don't think you two should leave. He's a chronic alcoholic and you're in complete denial.
+Aw, shut up, Captain Bringdown.
+Homie, I want you to promise me you'll cut down on the drinking.
+Okay, Marge. For you I'll give up rum-based cocktails. Except mojitos and rum and coke.
+Well, that's no promise at all!
+It's important for me to see you take at least one step. Then maybe we can have some memories together that aren't just a nauseous blur.
+All right. For you, I will give up all clear liquors.
+Really? Even Zima?
+Hey, I only drink that when I'm already drunk.
+You really mean it?
+Hey, anything's possible. With a little help from my Bible.
+Oh no! It's a real one! Noooooo! Why God, why?
+Where are your clothes for the gentleman who's big and fat?
+The basement, sir.
+Woo hoo!
+Homer, before you get anywhere near the escalator, you've got to tie those shoes. Homer!
+So many shoppers. Ow! Damn this... ow! Resilient economy.
+This is our "Li'l Hooker" line. All the girls your age are wearing it... except the freakishly unpopular.
+But I'm eight years old!
+So is your look.
+Are you aware that you've exposed your skin to a whole host of airborne de-beautifiers?
+This dermal magnifier will show the extent of the damage.
+He's eating my beauty!
+Mm-hm, skin mites love the taste of beauty. Try this rejuvenating lotion -- it contains over sixty ingredients.
+I hope he didn't have children. Did he have children?
+Millions of them.
+Sir...other customers need to use that dressing room.
+Dressing room? Uh oh.
+Edna, we don't need wedding china. The dishes mother won on "Let's Make A Deal" are holding up nicely.
+Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us.
+And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water, and two-sided sponges?
+Silent anger: the cornerstone of a successful marriage.
+Cool, guns.
+Die, happy couples--
+That's not a toy, son. It's a bar code reader. It registers wedding gifts.
+Bull-honky.
+No, not bull-honky. A couple uses the gun to select gifts they want for their wedding.
+If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my Shasta.
+Name of groom...
+Bart Simpson. "Name of bride..." Lotta Cooties.
+A fake wedding. That's what I call chutzpah.
+Yeah, I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents. And what I don't use, I'm gonna return... for store credit!
+Store credit! Store credit! Store credit!
+Another employee family wedding. What's the traditional peasant gift in these parts? A milking cow?
+Actually, silverware is all that's left on the registry.
+See if Lenny wants to go in on a spoon.
+Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
+I am your niece, Uncle Joe.
+Good lord, I'm an abomination.
+This prank is my Sergeant Pepper's.
+I see neither blushing bride, nor ardent swain. There is no wedding here!
+Oh my God -- we're sealed in! Hey, nobody breathe my air -- get your own!
+Ya selfish little maggot! I'll suck your lungs dry!
+Knock it off!
+So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest.
+C'mon Chief, it was just a prank. Would some flatware make things right?
+What does it say on my badge?
+Let's go.
+Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering. Just look at this file.
+That doesn't look so big.
+These are directions to the facility where Bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers.
+Six feet by eight?
+Six by fourteen.
+Bart Simpson, I hereby sentence you to six months at the Springfield Juvenile Correctional Facility.
+Juvie?! Please Judge, you can't... I-I'll do anything! I'll squeal on my dad -- he's been up to bad things. Crap you'VE never even thought of.
+We've already got an informer working deep cover on your dad. One he'll never suspect.
+Is it Lenny?
+Dammit! I mean... uh no. No.
+Now take that kid away.
+No! You're not going to take my baby to jail!
+All right boys, she's not letting go. Make the switch.
+Your eyes need diapers.
+Your eyes need di-- That's good, Ralphie.
+One slingshot... one pack of cards, baseball... one doodle: "Fartzilla"... one harmonica: perfect mood-setter for the end of your freedom.
+Lessons by mail: worthwhile.
+My baby boy is in jail! I'm the worst mom in the world.
+It's not all your fault. All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim... of you.
+You're a great mom. You were always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement.
+Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler.
+Just because you've done time in juvie doesn't mean the world has given up on you. See for yourself the exciting careers that wait for you upon your release.
+These are all fast food jobs.
+Ex-cons are a Godsend to employers like me. If you ask for a raise, I just call your parole officer and back in the can you go!
+Ah, cartoons, America's only native art form. I don't count jazz, 'cause it sucks.
+Freedom!
+Bloodshed!
+I declare an end to the spectacular 3-D blood and gore.
+They cut all the good parts!
+I've lost everything I loved.
+Okay, if I use my head, I can keep out of trouble. Better stay out of the sandbox... I could be buried alive... Maybe the slide...
+Don't forget to buy your photos!
+I'll just hang out next to girls' juvie.
+Hello, ladies.
+I'm Gina. You touch my fence again and your puberty's gonna be very boring.
+I hate this place! It's nothing like the brochure.
+It's horrible in here -- the boys beat me up, the girls beat me up...
+Now sweetie, you shouldn't hang around with people who beat you. They're not true friends.
+Time's up!
+My poor boy is miserable in here. There has to be something I can do to help him.
+Interesting. Marge, what does that sign say?
+So, why do you want to be a guard here?
+I believe that children are the future -- unless we stop them now.
+Welcome aboard.
+This end's for beating, this end's for holding.
+Uh-huh. When does training start?
+It just finished.
+That's my doll!
+Keep away! Keep away!
+Put that sissy down!
+If you're gonna pick on someone, why don't you pick on someone much bigger than you with a gun?
+That's right. I got a job here so I can watch over you like a mother hen.
+His dad's a screw?
+I sure am. Here you go, son. I brought you a lollipop from the guards' lounge.
+Not so tough now, huh?
+Well, that's the end of my shift.
+See you Monday. Oh wait, Monday's Martin Luther King Day. I'll see ya when I see ya.
+Love you.
+Uh, this lollipop's really for everybody.
+Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So, juveniles who know how to foxtrot are ten per cent less likely to commit a double homicide.
+Who conducted this study?
+The institute of "Shut Your Fat Face"! Now pair up!
+He's mine.
+Him? Why?
+I like 'em small and bug-eyed.
+You two will dance, and you'll like it. Then you'll have punch and you'll drink it. Then your eyes will meet, and it will be awkward. So help me God.
+Okay, here's my rules. Hands at ten and two, no eye contact, and I don't wanna hear how pretty I look.
+Don't worry, you won't.
+We're gettin' outta here.
+They're escaping! Seal the perimeter!
+I'm on it.
+Can't you go any faster?
+Well, I can close it faster, or I can close it right.
+Can't you do both?
+Talk to the union.
+I'm gettin' out in two weeks. Why would I want to break out with you?
+Oh, forget it.
+Well, you do look pretty in the moonlight.
+Hey guards! Help! Help!
+Guess where the next one's going.
+Why'd you kiss me? Are you lookin' to do the Bartman?
+Hey, I'm only stickin' with you 'til I get these chains off. And if we get caught, I'm tell 'em this was your idea.
+Yeah? Why would they believe you?
+Because I can do this.
+That mean boy he dragged me out of the dance I didn't want to go, but he was too strong!
+But you've got twenty pounds on me!
+And then he said I was fat!
+I'm screwed.
+You bet you are. Now as long as we're together, I expect you to be a man.
+But I have to wizzle.
+I miss prison.
+I am not chipping in for a birthday cake for that jackass Arnie Pye... let him eat... This is Kent Brockman, live at Springfield Juvenile Hall, the scene of a daring escape by inmates Bart Simpson and Gina Vendetti.
+To understand the mindset of the escapees, we've brought in an expert, former under-aged offender... Snake.
+If they're smart, Kent, they'll stay off the main roads. It's all here in my book: "Ten Habits of Highly Successful Criminals."
+All right, I plugged your book. Now put down the gun.
+Tell them I'll be on Conan Thursday, with Heather Locklear and Third-Eye Blind.
+Why would Bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks?
+You just don't understand boys. He's stupid.
+But he won't know where to go or what to eat.
+Relax, what's the worst that could happen?
+You shall marry my daughter Moonhilda.
+I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain.
+No son of mine will be marched down the aisle at the barrel of a ray gun.
+Let's go.
+So why'd they send you to juvie? Shoplift a scrunchie?
+Get bent. I pushed Snow White over the parapet at Disneyland.
+Oh man. Did she live?
+Yeah, but it's not a good life.
+Gina, before we get any closer, there's something you need to know about me. I think girls are icky-pants.
+It took a lot of courage to say that. Courage I'm gonna pinch out of you.
+Say Cletus, have you seen a couple of kids go by?
+I don't have such a good memory since I drank my thermometer -- but I whittles what I sees.
+Is this them?
+It sure is. We're on the right track. Hey, what're you making now?
+Uh, sometimes I whittles the future.
+Great. I can get these handcuffs off before I get a full-blown case of the cooties.
+Bart, I can't believe you don't know this, but there's no such thing as cooties, cootie shots, cootie force-fields, or cootie insurance.
+But State Farm took my money!
+When we split up, where are you gonna go?
+Don't worry -- my family'll hide me 'til the heat's off.
+Wow, your parents are cool!
+Oh man, there's a line.
+You keep your ink hole shut about this.
+We're free! We're free!
+Bart, I'm gonna miss you so much.
+Hey, the next time my Mom asks me to help around the house, I could come live with your family.
+Don't get fresh with me, jerk.
+Take it from a blacksmith... that girl's trouble.
+That girl's nuts... First she likes me then she hates me... I've already forgotten how ugly she is. I'd better eyeball that ape one more time.
+What's up? Don't you want to get back to that awesome family of yours?
+What are you crying about? How cool they are?
+Oh, I know you're sad now, but surely your incredible family will cheer you up.
+Wait... do you even have a family?
+No, I don't! They're imaginary... like your brain!
+I understand.
+You don't understand anything!
+You're such a psycho!
+Mama's boy!
+Future skank!
+Family Guy!
+Well, well, well, if it isn't Punch N' Juvie.
+Plant the evidence on 'em, boys.
+Uh Chief, we don't have to. These ones are actually guilty.
+Super. Makes our job that much easier.
+Oh Bart, my troubled little lamb. You'll be in jail for so long. But I'll keep your room just the way it was: a pigsty.
+Son, I want you to know, no matter what anyone says, there's no shame in being caught alive.
+Take a good long look at the innocent love in your son's eyes. 'Cause when he gets out of prison, it'll be gone forever. He will have a great bod, though. And a couple of those teardrop tattoos. Those are cool.
+There's something I have to tell you guys.
+Look, my fly is down 'cause it's broken, okay?
+No, it's something else.
+Bart, she took all the responsibility for the escape. You're free to go.
+But the kid's still got time on his sentence, Chief.
+Look, if you all want to squeeze into the back seat, fine. With my box kite.
+Welcome back, Gina. I got a few new cellmates for ya.
+That's cool. I wouldn't feel right going to the bathroom with no one watching.
+I thought you might want to have a nice family dinner.
+We're having "make your own taco" night.
+Gina, thanks for showing us the meaning of Christmas.
+And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool.
+Who is this nerd?
+Taco, please.
+Well, my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich... turn on "Will and Grace"... and cry myself to sleep.
+Would you like to join us?
+Didn't you hear me? I've got an evening planned.
+Homie, what are you doing?
+I'm changing the batteries in all the remotes. We're all out of triple A's, so I'm gonna whittle down a couple of these D's.
+You're getting acid in the bed!
+I'm gonna sleep on the couch.
+She sure loves that couch.
+It's the World Series of Kickball... Bart Simpson on the mound. The catcher gives him the signal...and here's the pitch!
+Oh my God, I've shredded a child! Again!
+Venezuela, here I come!
+... and while the school's only ball is being repaired...
+... the following alternative sports will be offered: dodge-rock, volley-brick, and base-game.
+I wanna play dodge-rock!
+You're out!
+Finally, on a personal note, Mrs. Krabappel and I are to be joined in holy wedlock...this Saturday. We'll be honeymooning at Lake Shelbyville Lodge, Cabin Thirty-two, Room Three. And we do not wish to be disturbed.
+Way to go, Mrs. K! You finally hooked the Skinfish!
+It looks good... but I'm not gonna celebrate 'til he's gaffed, gutted, and hanging in my trophy room. Ha!
+We have the same dream, ma'am.
+MY BONNIE LIES OVER THE OCEAN / MY BONNIE LIES OVER THE SEA...
+All right, we got Sex With An Alligator, Screaming Orgasms, and Virgin Screaming Orgasms.
+Ooo, sexy drinks, adult board games...
+I'm glad I sent the kids to Grampa's to protect their innocent minds.
+...and here's some more Germans we killed -- that flame-thrower really toasted their waffles!
+Grampa, how do you sleep at night?
+They drug us.
+It's... another pair of edible panties!
+Now that's sexual!
+Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Would you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
+Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun.
+Who are all of you people?
+We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kids' principal, have a beer!
+I can't -- I might be called upon to give directions later.
+Skinner!
+You were asked to chug-a-lug. And a-lug you shall chug!
+There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time. Am I a good principal?
+You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
+Delivering these ice cold Lady Duffs has made me hot. Really hot.
+C'mon, Duffman!
+Thirty bucks an hour -- oh yeah! Oh ooh, ah, -- oh yeah!
+Sorry to bother you, but we got an anonymous tip about loud music and a strip-da-didilly-dipper.
+Oh! Look girls, a policeman is here.
+Well, we've been awfully naughty. You better lay down the law.
+Hey, ladies, ladies, I-I really am a cop.
+Whoa. Is that a five? Well, this uniform is a little snug! Oh yeah -- Woo!
+Uh, Eddie, Lou, how about a little back-up here?
+Like what you see, ladies?... all right.
+Ah yeah. Oh... okay. I think uh, I... I think I threw my back out.
+You know I wish I had an exciting life... like that class picture photographer. Ho, how many women has he had in that van? Two, that I know of.
+Let's kick this up a notch and get you some wiggle in your lap.
+Oh yeah.
+No. Absolutely no friction dancing!
+Aw, c'mon. What're you, Killjoy!
+Grinch.
+Hey, take it easy on Skinner. He's just down 'cause after tomorrow, everything he does is wrong.
+Aw, marriage is gonna be great. Now you'll have someone who'll rub your back... without being asked.
+Not this again.
+Yes, this again!
+You know, Homer, Edna was bugging me and bugging me to set a date, and I picked one that seemed far away, and it zoomed up like a junebug flying in my windshield.
+What are you trying to tell me, Skinner?
+Homer, Lenny...my man... I could never lie to you guys. I'm starting to get cold feet. Please don't tell anyone.
+Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.
+Marge, guess what! Skinner wants to bail on his wedding!
+Homer, you're still talking to me!
+Oh man, is this awkward. I'm outta here.
+Principal Skinner is having second thoughts? Poor Edna!
+Yeah Marge, it looks like you got the last perfect man. Oh uh, by the way... can I borrow your car tomorrow? Mine's acting up.
+Every day you find a new way to aggravate me.
+Hey, you're the one always bugging me to screw up our marriage.
+Spice up! Spice up!
+Whatever. The important thing is to get Skinner to that altar. Because once a union has been sanctified by God, it takes at least six months to tear it apart.
+Right, naked Duffman?
+Hmm? Oh, uh... Oh, yeah!
+I think Skinner might make a run for it -- he's eyeing the exits and doing calf stretches.
+Don't worry, I've got a man on the perimeter.
+Cowabunga One to Fat Load.
+This is Fat Load. I'd like to request a new codename.
+Denied.
+Okay, Fat Load here.
+Here comes the bride. Repeat. Here comes the bride.
+Mrs. K., you look awesome!
+Thank you, Otto.
+That cloud looks awesome. That rock looks awesome. My hands look awesome.
+Hey champ. Ready to take the plunge?
+You know I'm not. We had a long discussion about that where I clearly indicated the coldness of my feet.
+Happy fiftieth anniversary, Seymour.
+I was thinking it might be time to combine our CD collections.
+I don't know Edna, I'm not quite ready to take that plunge.
+Seymour!
+My larval sac fell in the toilet! Go fish it out.
+Quick, Edna! I'll use your purse as a scoop.
+Well, this is it, Edna. As I once said at the battle of Khe Sanh, I surrender.
+We are gathered together today to join Seymour and Edna in Holy Matrimony. Does anyone present know any reason why these two should not be wed?
+No, you say that part later.
+I'm sorry, Seymour. I can't marry someone who doesn't want to be with me.
+We got a runner. Snipers, take your shot.
+I can't do it! That dress is a Vera Wang.
+Is this corn oil?
+Canola.
+He drove her to it. / She was only doing it for the appliances.
+He's a she.
+She's a he.
+They're both both.
+Well, I'm uh, I'm afraid Edna has gone from tardy to absent. So uh, let's uh move onto the reception and forget this awkwardness with some delicious shrimp mocktail.
+Principal Skinner, I feel so bad for you.
+Well, in retrospect, I could have been a little more "into" the whole thing.
+"Just The Two Of Us." I spent fifteen dollars on those dance lessons, might as well use 'em.
+Forward, side, together. Back, side, together. Forward, side, together. Back, side, together...
+This is so sad.
+Yeah, he's crazy all right.
+Of course.
+All right students, what is the center of the circulatory system? It's the heart!
+The heart? You mean like Principal Skinner's, which you broke?
+What do you care? You hate Principal Skinner.
+Eh, bro's before ho's.
+Nelson, I'll see you after class.
+I'll be there. Will you?
+Mom, what are you doin' here? Did our house burn down? Whoa, that'd be cool.
+No, I'm here to have a little girl-talk with Mrs. Krabappel.
+So, how are you holdin' up?
+Actually, I feel fine! Why should I settle for someone who's not passionate about me?
+Oh, passion's for teens and immigrants. I'm just glad to have someone to look at when I wake up in the morning.
+Really?
+Well...
+Unkink the hose!
+Sure there are downsides. But a relationship can't be all hand-holding and restaurant desserts.
+Why not? If I can't have romance and excitement, then what's the point of being married?
+Well, it's... in my case... hmm.
+Oh God, I've lost the love of my life. Bart's right, I am a wiener.
+Geez, Homer, this guy is bringin' the whole bar down. I finally got Barney back on the sauce. If he doesn't have fun, he could easily slip right back into sobriety.
+Don't worry. If I feel the urge to sober up, I just talk to my sponsor.
+Drink or I'll die.
+Wait a minute. I thought you didn't wanna get married.
+That was before I missed her smell, her warmth, her beautiful, beautiful penmanship!
+Don't worry, Principal Skinner.
+Seymour.
+Edna, the Klingons have a romantic saying: .
+Really? Boy, it sucks to be you. Anyhoo, if there's one thing I know, it's how to win back a furious woman. We'll go to her house, and I'll whisper to you exactly what to say.
+Really? You'll be my Cyrano?
+Hey, if we get your girlfriend back I won't have to.
+Okay, just repeat after me. "Edna, I made a huge mistake and I want you back."
+Edna, I made a huge mistake and I want you back. How's that, Homer?
+Oh God, it's Seymour. What do I say?
+You just say...
+It's too late! I'm free and lovin' it, Principal Skinner.
+Every second without you is like a million kicks in the crotch.
+Oh, that's so lovely. But it's too late to win us back with sweet talk!
+Marge? Are you helping her?
+I won't let Edna throw her life away for some passionless marriage where two people lie in bed together with no contact, whittling away the batteries until they die.
+Which are you saying is dead? Our marriage or our batteries?
+Let's just say in an emergency, I wouldn't count on either one.
+Homer, Marge, if I could just speak to Edna for a moment.
+Shut up! I didn't tell you to say that!
+Just why am I taking your advice?
+Because I'm successfully married.
+There's no ring on that finger.
+Why did I take it off? Oh, right. To see if I could skip it across Lake Michigan.
+I'm here to return the gift you brought to our wedding.
+Ah, yes. An Incredible Hulk melon baller.
+Well, I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy it.
+I think you did the right thing. You didn't want your life to turn out like this.
+Oh, you're cute. Is there a Mrs. Comic Book Guy?
+Well, I was married once... in an online fantasy game. We were thinking of having children, but that would have severely drained my power crystals.
+Stop it, you big kidder!
+Yes, "kidder."
+Would you like to get some coffee?
+And a family bucket of chicken!
+We've made it to my car and you haven't left. A new record!
+Oh, I love your black tinted windows.
+Actually, they are trash bags.
+Now, could you give me a pushing start?
+String quartet, are you tuned up?
+As tuned as we're gonna get in this humidity.
+And the castrati?
+The what now?
+And a one and a two and a...
+OH EDNA K. / OH EDNA K. / OH EDNA K. / OH EDNA K. / OH EDNA K. / OH EDNA K. / OH EDNA K. / OH EDNA K. /
+MS. KRABAPPEL / A SAD PRINCIPAL / IS DESPERATE AND NEEDY / IF YOU COME HOME / I WON'T DIE ALONE / AND THAT'S WHAT I'D PREFER...
+UH-PLEE-EE-EE-EEASE / SETTLE FOR SEYMOUR / SO PLEE-EE-EE-EEASE COME BACK TO THE DORK
+Well, well, if it isn't the square in our love triangle.
+What are you doing in Edna's place? Where is she?
+My beloved is napping blissfully in the many folds of my Spider-man T-shirt.
+As for myself, I am popping kettle corn.
+This can't be happening!
+It's your fault for giving birth to my arch-enemy!
+Oh, but it can. I adore Edna: she is near-mint and comes from a very limited edition -- females who will talk to me.
+Give her back to Skinner! A fat bald guy like you... you could have anyone!
+Forget you. Edna and I are in love. We're doing everything together. Breakfast, bath, and then the Bi-Monthly Science Fiction Convention. Enjoying.
+The Bi-Mon Sci-Fi Con?!
+You've heard of it? Is it romantic?
+Hey, women have put out just to get out of there.
+Edna's with Comic Book Guy? Oh God, she's on the rebound! And you meet the worst guys on the rebound. It's how Jackie got her "O"!
+Okay, we'll go to the convention, sell my Lois Lane comics, buy some Jimmy Olsens, and stop Edna from making a terrible mistake!
+I wish you'd devote this much time and attention to our relationship.
+Don't worry, Marge. We'll get something to eat.
+I don't see Skinner anywhere.
+He's probably in costume -- he could be any of these people!
+They're all too old to be dressed up like super-people. Homer, let's just hurry up and go home so I can yell at you.
+Oh my goodness, it's Matt Groening!
+Wow, the creator of "Futurama!"
+Mr. Groening, will you autograph my Bender doll?
+Sure, I'm happy to give anyone my autograph, anytime or anywhere: on the street, in a store, or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard. They say it's good luck!
+Look -- there they are!
+They're going into Multi-Purpose Room B!
+That room has a dry erase board. They could be doing anything in there! Anything.
+Roughly translated, it means "I would kill the children of a thousand planets just to see you smile."
+Awww... that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard, which is kinda sad if you think about it.
+Edna, I want you to marry me -- right here and now!
+If you marry me, we shall honeymoon in Nebulon Five, also known as San Diego.
+Hands off my fiancé, wide ride!
+Why are you dressed like Catwoman?
+They told me it was Catman! Now prepare for some roughhousing.
+Stop it! Stop it both of you!
+Seymour, it's too late for you to win me back. This man worships me. He actually wants to be my husband.
+The female has made her decision.
+Prepare the feast of goldfish crackers!
+I'm not marrying you either.
+There are a million valid reasons, but which one did you pick?
+We've had a great time together, but we're too different.
+I don't understand.
+It's like I'm DC Comics, and you're Marvel.
+I understand completely.
+I don't think I want to be tied down to anybody.
+Take me to some real men.
+Okay, you can watch my Dad and my brothers beat me up.
+Come back home with mama, son. I'll make you some hot cocoa, while you sit in your shame closet and think about what you did.
+Well, at least I went down like a man.
+You look like a Malaysian transsexual.
+Good for you, Mrs. K!
+Yeah! You don't need a husband to be happy!
+At least I was planned.
+Okay Marge, I hear ya. Now that Krabappel has made her decision, it's time to whitewash over our problems.
+I'm afraid this time a coat of whitewash won't cover it.
+Our marriage is just an illusion. He doesn't care how I feel at all. He doesn't know how to love.
+Marge, the greatest day of my life was the day you and I became one.
+Would you marry me again?
+Oh, it's very sweet, but I don't need...
+Where's that coming from?
+A band in a closet! Every girl's dream.
+And now, Padre, if you would do the honors.
+Marge, you just agreed to raise the kids Klingon!
+Welcome to lecture number eight on the water balloon. Yesterday I asked everyone to think of other liquids you could fill a balloon with.
+Thank you, Nelson. Anyone else?
+Hot sauce?
+Kearney, that could blind someone. You get an "A."
+Now, for a practical demonstration. First we load the ordnance...then select the target.
+Hmm, not Otto -- he'd drive us off a cliff.
+Off a cliff? That would solve everything!
+Baaaaaart!
+Why can't you be friends, like me and Mr. Finger?
+You've betrayed me for the last time.
+Horseplay on a school bus? Has the world gone mad?
+Your stop!
+Shame on you two creeps!
+Stop it! No one was planned! Now, we have to pack for Great-Uncle Tyrone's birthday tomorrow. In Dayton!
+Dayton, Ohio!
+It's got Wright-Patterson Airforce Base and a zipper museum! They have a zipper from every James Bond!
+Why are we even going? Last year Uncle Tyrone was bitter and depressed.
+HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
+Why won't I die?
+We're staying at the Dayton Arms Hotel. It got three Diamonds from "Five Diamond" magazine!
+Please don't make us go. If you make me get on that plane, I'll give myself diarrhea! I know how!
+Okay, don't go. Just stay here and rot with Grampa.
+I'm only rotting on the right side.
+I'll right-side you!
+All right, kids, you don't have to go. But I insist we do something tonight as a family. We'll play board games, put photos in an album, measure how much you've grown...
+What is your deal, anyway?
+Well, I-I... let's just rent a movie.
+Oh yeah, that's the stuff!
+Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!
+I'm sorry sir, the computer says the movie "Chocolate Star Wars" doesn't exist.
+I say you don't exist!
+No, I'm right here under "Staff."
+What I want is a really good "weeper."
+What about "Love Story?" It's about a Harvard chick that puts out for a guy and then croaks.
+And it saved Paramount Studios for Charlie Bluhdorn.
+A chick flick? Say it ain't so, Ho!
+Can I have both?
+Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain "payoffs."
+Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?
+Exactly.
+WHERE DO I BEGIN? TO TELL THE STORY OF HOW GREAT A LOVE CAN BE...
+THE SWEET LOVE STORY THAT IS OLDER THAN THE SEA...
+THE SIMPLE SOMETHING THAT DUM DEEDLE DUM DEE DEE... / NOW LET'S PUSH PLAAAY!
+What do you say about a 25-year-old girl who died?
+I say bury her before she starts to smell.
+The man asked a question.
+Love means never having to say you're sorry.
+No it doesn't! This movie is drivel! She's wooden and unpleasant, and no matter what he does, he's still Ryan O'Neal.
+Opinion noted. Now if you don't mind, your father and I are trying to lose ourselves in this romantic fantasy.
+Yeah, we're tryin' to create a mood here, so shut the Hell up!
+Homie, if I died, would you be sad?
+Eh, well, I wouldn't be happy.
+Oh, Homie.
+Love means never having to say--
+A whole canoe made of baloney?
+Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
+Lisa made me! With a witch's spell!
+It's called Wicca, and it's empowering!
+Wicca's a Hollywood fad!
+That's Kaballah, jerk!
+Stupid kids ruin everything.
+So, um, you're not in the mood anymore, are you?
+Homie, you know I'm usually good for a triple-X throw down, but between those kids and going to Uncle Tyrone's, we can't be alone.
+We're alone now.
+You're never alone in this crapshack!
+Why you little...
+What kind of an airline routes all their flights through Nome, Alaska?
+It's their hub.
+Homie, look at them!
+Honeymooners -- no kids, no worries.
+Here's your future!
+Not me, I do crunches.
+Remember our honeymoon?
+I've gotta get back to work.
+Hold that thought.
+Attention Miami passengers, Suntan Airlines is now boarding rows "Piña Colada" through "Daiquiri."
+You know, if we were younger and crazier, we'd trade in these tickets and run off to Miami!
+Marge, let's do it.
+What about Uncle Tyrone?
+We get one weekend to ourselves and we've gotta spend it watching some old geezer's odometer turn over? As the Bible says: screw that!
+We don't have boarding passes, but we need to get on that plane for reasons that are utterly insane.
+Go ahead, what do I care? I'm gettin' laid off tomorrow.
+We're ditching our kids and taking a second honeymoon!
+And we're blowing off Uncle Tyrone's birthday!
+You guys are such party animals we're gonna skip the safety check and just take off!
+I'm afraid we've overbooked this flight...
+So much for getting my groove back.
+So we're upgrading you to First Class.
+There's a first class?
+Sir, what would you like for dinner? A steak, or two steaks?
+This is so luxurious! I feel like I'm Princess Grace and Princess Di smashed together!
+And look at me, I'm reading "The Economist." Did you know Indonesia is at a crossroads?
+...I guess you could call him the little tortoise that couldn't. See our website for the recipe. This just in: a monster tornado is tearing through Dayton, Ohio.
+That's where Mom and Dad are!
+Looks like the twister is headed right for the Dayton Arms Hotel!
+They might not be dead -- they could be in the basement!
+I'm an orphan!
+I'm a legal guardian!
+How can I be a parent? I break my teeth on ribbon candy.
+Quiet, Grampa. Hello... Mom?!?!
+Hi, sweetie. We're just calling to check in.
+Where are you?! Are you okay?
+Right here in Dayton.
+At the Dayton Arms hotel?
+Yup. It's really boring. You kids would have hated it.
+So... how's the weather in Dayton?
+Oh, you know, typical boring Dayton weather!
+Hey, do I hear a back rub?
+No, no. That's the noise the phone makes when you've been on too long. Bye now! Love you.
+Something's fishy. They're not in Dayton, they're somewhere fun.
+We're not enough fun for them? Well, I know how to find out where they are.
+Swelldorado Hotel Miami Beach, "Sun and water without your son and daughter." How may I direct your call?
+I can't go to Miami -- I'm expecting calls from telemarketers!
+You'll love it -- it's full of sexy old widows who don't want to die alone.
+All right ladies -- get ready to settle!
+Boy, it's great being here without those children of yours.
+Yeah, I've never sat by a pool this long without having to apologize to someone.
+And tonight, we'll finally, and romantically, hump.
+Here's to life without children!
+Well, we can't wait to have kids.
+Seriously, with the new breast pumps, and Diaper Genies, and corporate flex-time, child-rearing oughta be a snap!
+You keep thinking that!
+We're here -- and it's a good thing too. The car's been drivin' funny since Orlando.
+Everything happens to Eemore.
+Let's go find Mom and Dad!
+First let's slap on some Band-Aids so they feel really bad for ditching us.
+Time to find a woman who needs some TLC... a tired liver-spotted coot.
+Check out the well-aged beef!
+No scar -- he must be on his first heart!
+I wouldn't kick him outta bed for dyin'. Hey, handsome, pull up a donut and sit down.
+Hey ladies, I used to be in movies.
+You know those feet stickin' out from under the house in The Wizard of Oz? You're lookin' at 'em.
+COME ON EVERYBODY HAVE SOME SEX-UAL CONGRESS / NOT THE KIND OF CONGRESS THAT CONTAINED PAUL TSONGAS...
+The kids tracked us down! Our romantic holiday just became a stinkin' family vacation.
+Marge, I won't let that happen. We have to grab this chance for romance now, or we'll never be alone. Not 'til Lisa's in college and we've lost contact with Bart.
+You're right, but where do we go?
+I've got a card that can take us anywhere in the world!
+Step on it!
+Those horn-dogs -- they ditched us again! You know what this means?
+We have a free hotel room in Miami for two days?
+No. We're gonna follow them across this great land, making sure they don't have one moment of fun.
+And I have a card that can take us anywhere they go.
+I'm sorry, we're not supposed to give out passengers' itineraries.
+I understand... Hey, what's that crazy girl doin'?
+I'm going into the Gold Medallion Club... with silver-level membership!
+The hell you are!
+So, Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City...but their luggage isn't. And Homer's getting the low-fat meal.
+You're more boring than my husband, and he's dead!
+Well, I bet I smell better.
+At the moment it's about even.
+I can't wait 'til we bury the last of you Hepburn types.
+Really.
+Perhaps I can help. I have a penthouse from which you can see all the way to Epcot. If you take a woman there, she will be yours.
+Hot ziggety!
+Indeed. I am Raoul.
+While we walk, may I place my hand on your shoulder as a sign of friendship?
+Why not?
+Homie, people in the other elevators can see us.
+Oh yeah, like people in New Jersey have never seen a fat man makin' out. It's on the freakin' state flag.
+Oh my God, Homie! Look!
+That boy failed show and tell, but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes.
+How you doin', I'm fighting a white rhino today at the Tropicana. Shows at two, four, six, eight, ten and midnight. Check it out. Come on.
+Hey kids, I'm tying balloons on the boardwalk at three, five, seven, nine and eleven. Check it out. Come on, don't be ridiculous.
+Occupied!
+Okay Raoul, let's go meet some Señoritas!
+Grampa, I must confess: I am not as interested in women as my open shirt might suggest. To be frank, they disgust me.
+Yes. Now, let us enjoy one of your rambling, disjointed yet somehow erotic tales.
+Are you gonna go lavender on me?
+We shall see, huh. But I promise you I will treasure every word that drops from your beautiful lips.
+Really? You're sweet.
+Proceed.
+For many years I was a tater farmer. But the shameful truth is... the taters farmed me.
+Your neck skin dances when you speak.
+At last, we're alone...
+Homie, the waiter's still here.
+Oh, right.
+Thank you, sir.
+And now, my darling, it's finally time for romance. But before the intercourse, the dinner course.
+Busted!
+You guys lied to us!
+You probably do this all the time! This whole family is built on a tissue of lies and romance!
+Yeah, it's a tissue... covered in blood and boogers!
+Would you two just shut up!!
+Sure, we lied. We lied so we could spend a single night as a married couple without worrying about you kids!
+Those days are over! Give it up!
+You win, kids. Just sleep here tonight and we'll all go back to Springfield tomorrow.
+Great! What do you wanna play?
+How 'bout the floor is made of lava?
+All I wanted was a second honeymoon, and now the floor is made of lava.
+Lis, you awake?
+Yeah, I can't sleep. Maybe we should give Mom and Dad a break. You know, go spend the day in an amusement park so we're out of their hair.
+Yeah, I agree. I mean, you are pretty annoying.
+I guess the hunt was more fun than the catch.
+Hey, I just zinged you.
+I know. My new thing is to ignore you.
+When you grow up I'll be outside.
+I'm grown up, I'm grown up!
+I knew if we got up early enough, we could sneak away from Bart and Lisa. Kids don't beat me, I beat kids.
+And nobody does it better.
+You monsters! You followed us!
+No! You don't understand. We came here to give you some privacy, and--
+We understand perfectly well!
+Let me finish my sentence!
+This way!
+Quick -- we can hide in here!
+I don't know... Homie, why don't we just go home, wait 'til the kids fall asleep, and have sex in the car?
+Because I was saving that for my birthday. Now, c'mon!
+This must be what it's like to be in space.
+You've been to space.
+And yet, I've never been to me.
+That sliding should stop soon.
+This rolling is just temporary.
+Ah, that's better. So why do they call this place Niagara Falls anyway?
+Back off, Canadians. We've got 'em.
+You back off, hosers. They're in Canadian waters, eh!
+Beat it, you puck-slapping maple-suckers!
+Take a hike, ya Shatner-stealing Mexico-touchers!
+Marge, I guess we'll just have to make love in Heaven. I'll bet it always works up there.
+Shut up and kiss me, you doomed hunk!
+Ahoy, moon bounce!
+Is anyone alive?
+More alive than any of you squares!
+Oh, you're on my hair. Oh, that's better.
+Well, it looks like everything worked out just fine for everybody.
+Huh, credit card bill seems a little chunky this month.
+Let's see what's goin' on vis a vis the VISA.
+Welcome back to "Promiscuous Idiots Island." On Fox, the home of promiscuous idiots.
+Last week, on "P.I.I.," our billionaire bachelor gave five lovely ladies a rose of continuation. And he hurled a rock of rejection at anyone displaying intelligence, character or ethnicity.
+Tonight... we reveal a shocking secret.
+No one does that to my daughter!
+Ladies, when you were selected, you were told that you'd be dating a billionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we misled you...
+Get ready, skanks -- here comes the truth train!
+...this isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!
+This was supposed to be about trust!
+I just want to get on that boat and go home.
+Well, you don't need a boat, 'cause you can walk!
+What did those women expect? When you sign a contract with Fox, you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated.
+Quiet, the commercial's on! If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV.
+Do you love that sooo-weet smell of Farmer Billy's bacon?
+Do I ever!
+Would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife?
+Would I!
+Well, if you open up one of these here packages and find a golden ticket, you git a tour of Farmer Billy's bacon factory!
+Warning -- bacon factory may explode.
+You'll see the hoof grinder! The marrow sluice! And of course, the five-story pig shredder, blessed by three Popes.
+If you like bacon, you're gonna love it. And if you don't like bacon, well then the hell with you.
+I'm going to find that golden ticket and win that tour! The only thing that can make bacon more delicious is seeing how it's made!
+Okay, Farmer Billy's slow-killed bacon, Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's travel bacon... Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns.
+Nope. Just lookin' for that golden ticket.
+Nope, nothing, nope, nada, the golden ticket! At long last.
+Please, Mr. Simpson, please. I fear your smooches are premature. This is, in fact, a silver ticket.
+This table's about as solid as your underlying concept.
+"This silver ticket entitles you to judge the pig competition, at the Springfield County Fair."
+Judge a pig competition?... But I'm no super-genius! Or are I?
+These giant vegetables are amazing.
+How about a bite of the world's biggest Brussels sprout?
+This song is about a country I love -- you may have heard of it. It's called America.
+Hey, I know that country!
+I COULD PLEASE MS. BARBRA STREISAND / BY SPITTIN' ON THE FLAG / OR STRANGLIN' A BALD EAGLE / ON THE COVER OF SOME MAG /
+BUT I LOVE THIS COUNTRY / TO ME SHE HAS NO SINS / IF YOU DON'T BUY MY RECORD / THEN AL QAEDA WINS!
+USA! USA!
+Of all the days for you to get a zit.
+Comely... succulent... clearly had a snout job...
+Ugh, too eighties.
+Let's see how your sister's doing in the place-setting competition.
+Place-setting? How is someone so lame related to a hot tamale like me?
+Check it out -- dribble glass, rubber knife, whoopee salad...
+And finally, the breakaway wine bottle...
+... did not arrive.
+My theme is "If Music Be The Food of Love." The setting features tuning forks, champagne flutes and of course, chopsticks. And for dessert, Ella Fitz Jell-O.
+Lordy girl, your entry stinks like the south end of a north-bound mule!
+What's wrong with it?
+Well, your place-setting thinks it's better than it is -- like a yard dog that sneaks into the house!
+Did I do anything right?
+Well, you did put it on a table.
+Looky here, it wobbles! Wobble, wobble, wobble! Wobble, wobble, wobble! Wobble, wobble, wobble!
+One more felony assault, Simpson, and you're goin' down. I didn't know I could fit in a bubble. I must be losin' weight.
+But I've gotta do something! I'll need a disguise.
+Aw, there, there, li'l darlin'. Dry those tears... with this.
+Hold it right there!
+You've hurt your last feeling!
+We all know pi R squared. But today, pie are justice. And I welcome it.
+Thank you mysterious stranger... where did he go?
+Where were you, Homie? You missed all the excitement.
+Shall we ever see Springfield's costumed protector again?
+Oh, I have a funny feeling we will. Wherever people are mistreated, the Pie Man will strike!
+Whatcha doin', sweetie?
+I'm drawing a picture of my newest hero, the Pie Man.
+That's really sweet, honey.
+Aw, hey, let's turn that frown upside down.
+Dad, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
+What's wrong, son?
+Comic Book Guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged. But I didn't even touch 'em!
+"Richie Rich Incorporates In Delaware," "Easy to Believe Tales," "Supergirl vs. the Glass Ceiling," "The Green Listener"...
+He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid.
+Somebody ought to take him down a peg. Or, should I say, down a pie.
+No, I think the expression is "peg."
+Maybe you're right, Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie-be you're pie.
+This magazine you sold me isn't "Fantastic Four." It's "Fantastic Floor"!
+My family can't put in floors -- we rent!
+Sorry, no refunds.
+Oh brother. Why do we get all the weirdos here at the comic book store?
+Comic Book Guy! Don't do the crime if you can't do the key lime!
+How could this be any more humiliating?
+Hello, I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek.
+Oh, you've finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit-chat!
+Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you: there is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face.
+There's a note! "Evildoers beware! Signed, Simple Simon, your friendly neighborhood Pie Man."
+Finally, a superhero that kids can love!
+What about Fistface?
+Fistface? Who's Fistface? Why won't you tell me who Fistface is? I demand you reveal the identity of Fistface!
+It's you!
+You can tell by the way the pie tin sits on his face that he's very good looking.
+Oh, I think you'd find his filling extremely hot.
+Ooh, I'll bet he's Ned Flanders.
+Flanders!? He's not man enough to trim my crust. I mean Pie Man's crust. I'm not Pie Man.
+Pie -- popular pastry, tricky math thing, and now, sword of righteousness. A masked avenger has been giving Springfield's scoundrels their just desserts.
+This is for your show's slight decline in quality over the years!
+In an attempt to curb copycat pieings, the police have organized a pie-for-guns exchange.
+The pies were immediately detonated by the bomb squad.
+Oh, those poor innocent pies. Some days you just don't want to be a cop, you know? I'm gonna go turn the siren on, that always cheers me up.
+That's good footage. Where will the Pie Man strike next? Perhaps at the Springfield Children's Hospital, which is tossing out all its sick youngsters to make way for a new cosmetic surgery clinic.
+Who will treat my whooping cough?
+Search me. Come back when you want a giant rack.
+Okay, Lou, the minute Pie Man shows up, we spring our trap.
+Whaddya got against this pie guy anyway? He's givin' jerks their comeuppance.
+Yeah, but he's skippin' the hardest part of bein' a cop: bike safety lectures.
+Oh, come on, Chief.
+No, no one ever wants to hear about the importance of pants clips, do they?
+Yeah, but...
+That's why Pie Man is goin' down.He spins the barrel of his gun.
+Thanks to this clinic, we will no longer be terrorized by the spectacle of women aging naturally.
+Not so fast, old-time liberal.
+Get him!
+Pie Man, no! It's a trap!
+No trap can hold Homer Simpson! But I'm not Homer Simpson. I'm the Pie Man. Homer Simpson away! I mean, the Pie Man!
+Shoot to kill!
+Dammit!
+Oh, way to go, Lou. You hit him!
+You sound like you're surprised.
+I'm trying to give you positive reinforcement, jerk.
+That's positive? Callin' me a jerk?
+You are a jerk.
+I'm not being trampled. What gives?
+Listen... I'm married.
+I'm looking up your nose, but I feel like I'm staring into your soul.
+That was so exciting, yet familiar. Like Coke with lemon.
+Let's see...cartilage, cartilage, muscle, nerve!... artery...bullet.
+Pie Man is not your father, little girl. I... murdered your father.
+Dad, please. It's obvious you're Pie Man. We've been getting his mail for weeks.
+We shall continue this conversation in the pie cave.
+Watch it, one more step. Welcome to my secret lair.
+Dad, this is the basement. Here's the iced tea I left down here this afternoon.
+So it would seem. Anyhoo, I'll bet this is all a pretty big surprise, huh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson...
+You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored-up and rude.
+Honorable men can differ. Now what brings you down here?
+I want you to stop this, Dad. Before you get killed.
+All right, I'll stop. But what'll I do with these pies?
+Well, I know one thing you could do...
+I was in so deep, I forgot pies were food.
+Simpson, you're late, bald and stupid! I'm docking you a day's pay.
+I'll show him.
+No, I shouldn't.
+Or should I?
+I'll keep my promise, honey.
+No looking at pictures of loved ones!
+No angry grumbling under your breath!
+Eat faster! Faster! Swallow on your own time!
+Won't someone help us?
+Who will stand up for Carl and Lenny?
+Hey Homer, throw me at Mr. Burns!
+No, throw me! I'm old and stale... I might just kill him!
+Don't do it, Homer! You made a promise to Lisa!
+Since when do I listen to cakes?
+Tell you what, Homer -- you make one last hit, then you're out of the business forever. Lisa would understand.
+You're all so wise... I wish I could eat each and every one of you.
+/ Aw, we wish you could eat us, too.
+Attention: while you've been showering here, I sold all your clothes.
+I've run out of pie-related puns!
+He won't escape, sir.
+Behold, Smithers, your so-called Messiah.
+Sir, I never...
+To the employee prison!
+Now, let's see what we have here...
+Simpson! You'll rue the day you took that pie tin, poked holes for eyes, and attached a rubber band around the back!
+It's not a rubber band, it's a scrunchie!
+Silence! Or I'll chop you into suet for my murderous gerbils and hamsters.
+Wait, I have a better idea. You'll work for me now.
+I already work for you.
+In addition to working in your normal capacity at the plant, you will also serve as my personal hit man.
+Do I get two paychecks?
+Here's your first assignment. To prove your loyalty.
+But I promised my daughter--
+Do as I say or I'll tell the police. You'll do so much community service.
+Nooo! Not community service -- I can't stand helping others! I just can't!
+Now open the folder. It contains your next victim.
+No, not him! Anyone but him! I've had my problems with him. Everyone has. But like every monster, he just wants to be loved.
+Come on! It's cobblering time!
+I can't sleep. I keep thinking about the Pie Man.
+Oh, me too...
+What if he started pieing good people? Not because he wanted to, but because he was being blackmailed by his boss?
+Homie... are you the Pie Man?
+No, I'm not. And here's a picture that proves it.
+Well, whoever he is, the Pie Man would never cave in to blackmail.
+Now, on a different subject, kiss me hard.
+You know I'm not Pie Man.
+I don't care.
+Girl Scout cookies!
+Oh come on, she's a little girl.
+Grow a spine on your own time, Blimpo.
+Just one second, sweetheart.
+Now pie that Brownie, fruitcake!
+Sir, my baby wants to play patty-cake. Now.
+Ga-ga. Goo-goo. Your assignment.
+The Dalai Lama!
+That's right. All his talk of peace and love is really honking off my red Chinese masters. Now Smithers, walk me around the park until I fall asleep. I'm feeling fussy.
+As Springfield's youngest Buddhist, I am deeply honored to introduce the Dalai Lama.
+I can't do this in front of Lisa. Why does she have to believe in things?
+You have no choice. Pie him or I'll reveal your secret to the world!
+And now please welcome the Elvis of Enlightenment... the lean, serene, chanting machine: the Dalai Lama!
+Greetings, fellow travelers on the path to enlightenment.
+Please forgive me, talking llama.
+No, Pie Man! Don't do it!
+C'mon, Pie Man, hit him! That's the only reason anyone came to this stupid thing!
+No. I won't. There's only one way I can escape from this nightmare.
+Homer Simpson! It was him all along.
+Homer Simpson is the Pie Man? Impossible. He's never thrown away a pastry in his life.
+His brain isn't large enough to juggle two contrasting personae!
+Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass! No offense, Homer. Ya dumbass.
+I'm telling you, I'm the Pie Man!
+No you're not. The Pie Man could fly.
+And spit acid!
+And animals did his bidding!
+Well, that closes the book on the Pie Man.
+Wait a minute.
+If it wasn't Simpson, who was it?
+It's gonna be you if you don't shut up.
+Dad, I think you created a hero that even you couldn't live up to.
+Yeah. Let's go home, honey.
+On to my next engagement: Buffalo, New York!
+I know one person who believes you were the Pie Man, Homie... me. I've known it all along.
+Was it the kiss?
+No, it was clearly you in that suit. You'd have to be an idiot not to see it from the start.
+So... Pie Man, why don't you show me your superpowers? Pie Man?
+Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there! For I am the Pie Man!
+And wherever Pie Man is, the Cupcake Kid will not be far behind.
+While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter!
+I don't understand this game, Bart. How come we have to rake your lawn, while you just get to sit there?
+Because I'm "it."
+Now, whoever finishes first gets a lemonade...
+...for me.
+Later, when we wash his bike, I'm not gonna do a good job.
+I'm telling Mr. Bart!
+Hey, guys.
+Uh-oh. Girls. You guys need your cootie shots.
+Well, I hate this job, but I love the health plan.
+Okay, ladies. Don't you have a poodle to dress up?
+Fine, we'll go. We'll find some other way to entertain our boy-crazy cousin who thinks you're cute.
+I wouldn't mind pushin' that in the mud.
+Homer drunk... but how? Hmmm...
+'Round and 'round the bottle twirls, I hope it stops on one of the girls.
+I hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine.
+Eww! I kissed that sad, weird kid!
+My beer! You never had a chance to become my urine! Why you little...
+My first kiss...
+Stop it, Homer! There's only one way to settle this -- in Simpson family court.
+What the hell's that?
+I got the idea from a now-discredited book on raising children.
+Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson.
+Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a ten-year-old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss?
+Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little league team?
+Permission to treat this witness as hostile.
+Homer, I'll bet when you were ten you were stealing beers, kissin' girls and tippin' dinosaurs.
+Your father's first kiss was in high school -- with me.
+Actually, Marge... uh... there uh, was someone before you.
+It was years ago, when I was ten. Back in the '60s, or '50s, or maybe it was the early '70s...
+"Underprivileged?" You pretended we were poor just to get me into camp?
+Uh, yeah, pretended.
+Hey, you must be Homer! I'm Lenny, and this is Carl.
+Wow, a Negro!
+We prefer the term "black."
+So cool.
+Heya, fellas! I'm Moe. I'm your junior counselor.
+Moe's not really a counselor. His parents dropped him off here like, two years ago and they never came back for him.
+I sleep under upside-down canoes.
+That's the girls' camp, right over there.
+I can't wait to meet the girls!
+That's right, you're workin' in the kitchen. That's how our camp pays the bills.
+What bills? We got no water, no heat... we catch our own breakfast...
+Twelve kids died at our camp. We need the money to pay lawyers.
+I thought we were gonna play fun games at camp.
+Oh, here's one.
+It's called "Stay Outta My Way." Idiot.
+Oh, no! My retainer!
+I got it!
+Ooo la la, a girl with teeth. Me like!
+Oh, thank you! You sound so sweet.
+That's 'cause I've eaten sixteen pieces of pie.
+You know, doing dishes has been the best part of camp.
+Really? Why?
+Because I talked to you.
+I couldn't see her through the flaps. But she's my kinda girl...
+Tell us more about the flaps.
+To me they were the rubbery gates of heaven, because behind them was the girl of my dreams.
+Oh man, some day love will come slidin' down my chute.
+Well, I can ask if she has any friends, 'cause she wants to meet me tonight.
+Way to go.
+Outta sight!
+Now Homer, if you're gonna go, you'd better take some protection.
+Ooh, a switchblade. I see the switch, but where's the blade?
+Found it.
+An eye patch? But I've got a date tonight!
+Don't worry, chicks love that kind of thing -- patches, scars, stumps... Everything but zits.
+All right, how should I get there?
+Hm, I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose.
+Are ye lookin' to cross the lake which separates ye from she?
+Who are you?
+The sailing instruct-arrr! And on movie night I run the project-arrr! Only P.G., nothin' R. Yarrr.
+I couldn't believe my eye.
+She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. Uh... until I met your mother, who made that girl look like a Godzilla made of garbage.
+Homer, that girl was me!
+How romantic. You and Dad were drawn to each other as kids and you didn't even realize it.
+Yes... and then your father broke my heart. And if I'd known he was you, I never would have married you!
+Oh, this is so confusing. I'd like a brief recess.
+Granted.
+Whee! Recess!
+Let me get this straight. When you were my age, you had the hots for Mom and didn't even know it? That's cool. Or is it lame? I guess I'll go with lame. You're lame.
+Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.
+I've kissed three girls.
+I'm so lame!
+You're not gonna be kissing anybody for a while.
+Well, that stinks. But I still get to kiss you, right?
+Mom, why are you so mad?
+I'll start from the beginning. The girls' camp was focused on teaching etiquette and deportment. Now that I've captured your interest, let me continue...
+By summer's end, I promise you will all walk like ladies, talk like ladies, and hold your liquor like ladies. Now, chin up. Head back. Legs together...
+Excellent. Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O. look like a splay-legged milk-horse. Now stand and walk.
+Well done! I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.
+Thank you.
+I used to walk like this all the time... until my tendon snapped. They heard it in Shelbyville!
+Anyhoo... one night we had a special dinner.
+We were learning to use all thirty-three forks.
+Young lady, that is not an olive fork. Here's a simple trick to help you remember.
+Knife and fork together, denied yourself dessert... nice work, Marge. Really.
+Oh, no! My retainer!
+I got it!
+I'd thank you, but I don't even know your name.
+I bet it's something low-rent -- like Billy Bob!
+Or Homer.
+Big, ugly Homer!
+Oh, I'm sure it's a much nicer name than Homer.
+Think, Homer, think.
+What did you say?
+I'm Elvis. Elvis Jagger. Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
+I told my friends I had a date...
+What should I wear? Should I paint my toes? And what should I do with my hair?
+You could iron it.
+Iron my hair? That's what Leslie Uggams does!
+Leslie who?
+Uggams!
+Ooh, it's really straightening out.
+I guess I'm going to have to be a brunette tonight.
+Oh, dear me. One day as a straight-haired brunette. I feel so bad for you. Stupid girl.
+Please don't be a freak, please don't be a freak--
+I MET HER ON THE MOUNTAIN, THERE I TOOK HER LIFE / MET HER ON THE MOUNTAIN, STABBED HER WITH MY KNIFE...
+He's cute. And he's got an eye patch. I've never seen a boy so mysterious.
+You must be Elvis.
+Elvis? What the Hell kind of name is... oh yeah, right.
+We've heard the same story two times now. Whose side are we gonna hear next? The Sea Captain's?
+No, no, I'd best be on me way. I'll just take some Teddy Grahams for the road.
+There goes a good friend.
+Now, I'm gonna warn you kids: the next part of the story gets a little "W-B"...
+Oh man, I want to kiss her. Wait -- I just thought of the greatest move ever!
+Oh no, he yawned -- I'm boring him!
+Do you like music? I do. I like Bobby Goldsboro, Gilbert O'Sullivan, Terry Jacks, Parliament but not Funkadelic...
+How am I supposed to kiss those things? Interrupt her with something witty!
+Uhhhh... Ummmm...
+Kiss her already. What, are you chicken? Bok-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok!
+Is he making chicken noises?
+Way to go, Dad!
+The perfect kiss!
+It was pretty delicious.
+It was as satisfying as a million Hallmark cards with all the right-sized envelopes.
+It felt like a cluster bomb wiping out a graveyard full of zombies.
+But then your father showed his true colors.
+Whuh-oh.
+Will I see you again tomorrow?
+Absolutely. Or my name isn't... whatever I told you it was.
+So we arranged to meet again at "Second Date Rock."
+I guess he's not coming.
+It was years before I could trust a boy again.
+That's horrible. How could you, Dad?
+Because he's the kind who kisses and leaves you!
+I can't believe you stood Mom up.
+Face it, Lis -- men are dogs. The worse we treat you, the more you want us.
+That's not what dogs do.
+Ha ha! You said "dog doo"!
+She sure did. Now if Lisa is finished with her shenanigans, I'll tell you why I didn't show up...
+We had just finished our first smooch. And I felt a feeling I'd never felt before:
+I found this stone earlier. I was gonna use it as a nerd-smasher... but I want you to have it.
+Oooh! It looks like a heart.
+Hey, you're right. Give it back! No, I still want you to have it. But every time you smash a nerd with it, think of me.
+I will.
+See you tomorrow night, okay?
+What a kiss. If I died now, I'd die happy.
+...ooh, what a view...
+Good ol' patch, you saved my life!
+So, you thought you could make a break for it, didya? Well, no one ever escapes from fat camp.
+'Cause the only way out is up a gentle slope.
+What the? Fat camp?
+I don't belong here!
+Your boy bosoms tell a different tale.
+Okay, take a break, ladies.
+No eating the grass!
+He didn't say nothin' about this poison oak.
+Sweet, sweet poison. Uh-oh.
+Kids love trains.
+I've gotta go, I've got a date!
+Yeah, you've got a date... with a skinless chicken breast.
+Somewhere out there she's waiting for me.
+Hello... I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
+Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name -- I'll rip out your intestines and use 'em to make a lanyard... Hello? Hello?
+And that's the origin of that.
+That boy I kissed wouldn't even tell me his real name!
+Typical. All boys want the same thing -- to kiss until they're hot and heavy, then vamoose.
+Trust us. We know everything about boys. Except what they look like below the waist.
+I have some theories based on a G.I. Joe I bought.
+Well, I never want to date a boy again!
+Are you leaving camp because of that boy? 'Cause that's what I've been telling everybody. You're also pregnant.
+I just can't stay here -- everything reminds me of him.
+Oh, the pain. Man was not meant to sit up.
+We've got an emergency here. We need ten CCs, pronto. And by CCs I mean cupcakes.
+I know what you mean, Bill. I've worked here longer than you.
+Now's my chance.
+Love... conquers... all.
+Bye-bye! Thank God they're gone.
+I can't believe I went five minutes without one of these dream sticks.
+Hey, have you two longshoremen seen a pretty girl?
+If you are who I think you are, that girl is gone and she never wants to see you again.
+She wouldn't do that -- we shared something special.
+What, just 'cause she smooched you?
+Was that special?
+I just blew my first chance at true love.
+And now that my special girl has heard the truth, I know she'll forgive me.
+Earth to special girl? You forgive me, right?
+I guess so.
+Uh, I think we'll go to bed now.
+What are you doing? If they fight in front of us, we might get new bikes!
+Homer, when you nurse a hurt for thirty years, it doesn't go away in an instant.
+What about now?
+What about now?
+No, Homer.
+What about now?
+No, Homer.
+What about now?
+No, Homer.
+Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you. But I've done way worse stuff since then: there was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future... remember that?
+Homie, I know this shouldn't bother me, but a girl only has one first love. I guess it didn't mean that much to you.
+That's not true! I thought about that girl every day of my life... until I met you.
+I wish there was some way I could believe that.
+All right. This is my memory box. I haven't opened it in thirty years.
+Ooh, a letter from my old pen pal. Someday I'll write you back, Osama. Ah, here's what I'm lookin' for.
+Oh, Homie! You did care.
+I sure did. I kept it right next to my IBM stock... king.
+I kept my heart too.
+Because somehow you realized I was a good guy after all?
+No, as a reminder of the hurtful things men can do.
+But now it can have a second meaning.
+Oh, Elvis.
+Oh, anonymous girl who turned out to be Marge.
+How's the ice cream, kids?
+Who's ready for a kitten?
+Make mine calico!
+Here you go.
+This whole morning has been wonderful. Too wonderful.
+You're right, this is it. They're selling us to be crash test dummies.
+Oh, please let it be Volvo.
+Oh, you children are too suspicious. It's go time.
+It's shot day!
+Welcome to Hell...man Avenue Medical Plaza.
+Children, you should be grateful you live in a country where childhood diseases have been practically...
+Karaté!
+Bart! That hobo skeleton is not a toy!
+This is ridiculous. Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, Chuckles!
+Can I have a lollipop?
+Well, that just leaves Bart.
+Don't forget Maggie!
+Oh, I got her when your heads were turned. Got her good!
+Now Bart, just look out the window. It'll take your mind off the pain.
+And when you're done, I've got more lollies!
+No thanks. I already helped myself.
+See ya later, inoculator!
+He can run, but nobody escapes the needle.
+Darlene, cancel all my appointments.
+But I need that kidney now.
+Black-on-black violence must end.
+That was for Dr. King.
+Don't feel bad, Doc. I won't even let my Mom clip my toenails.
+I guess you're just too smart for me, Bart.
+Thanks, Barney. Moe, we won't need you now.
+Okay, well, I really enjoyed being you, Dr. Hibbert. Uh, oh by the way, you're not welcome in the library no more. I'm sorry.
+Now, that wasn't so bad, was it Bart? You know, sometimes the fear of some...
+Whoa, something's wrong! Ah, ah, I can't hear!
+Doctor! Perform a diagnosis!
+I'm afraid the inoculation has swollen his ear holes shut! Maybe this would be a good time to talk about side effects.
+The boy's hearing should clear up in a day. If it doesn't, call me in the Bahamas. For now, he can express himself with this complimentary pen.
+Oh, it's a good pen. Try it out.
+That was a malpractice waiver, fool!
+Stop it, Homer!
+Gimme your wallet, kid. We're gonna identity theft your ass!
+He's just standing his ground!
+He knows that deep down, all bullies are cowards!
+We're undone!
+I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of eighty-eight. But I taught meself to read lips.
+Mornin' Willie!
+Hey, fellas! My hearing's back.
+Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.
+What'd you say about me mother?! For your information, her feet stank 'cause she works in manure all day! But it's still the best darn Starbucks in Glasgow!
+Bart, pass the ketchup. Bart, pass the ketchup!
+Dad, he's deaf.
+Oh, sorry, right.
+Bart, pass the corn. Bart, pass the corn!
+I THINK YOU SHOULD STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL TOMORROW.
+But Mom... tomorrow's the big donkey basketball game.
+The kids are gonna play the teachers!
+Donkey Basketball? Now I've heard everything! Unlike you!
+Everybody remember that for when his hearing comes back.
+Welcome, everyone, to the annual Donkey Basketball Classic. I'm sure that mule enjoy it.
+Hm, tough crowd. Uh, would everyone just rise for our National Anthem?
+Hey, donkey, want a carrot?
+Psyche!
+Good Lord! Bart's mooning the flag!
+Don't look, Buttermilk.
+How dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!
+When you insult the flag, you insult my flag tattoo!
+What did ye say about me mother?
+You'll fry up nice tonight!
+Your child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war.
+To date!
+I swear Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf!
+Oh sure, Marge. Just like "blind Bart," "wheelchair Bart," "pregnant Bart" and my personal favorite, "railroad spike through head Bart."
+Congratulations, traitor.
+Thank you. And let me say I missed your sweet, sweet voices.
+Cram it, Iraqi!
+Why'd you dis the flag? It partied on the moon!
+Weren't we afraid of him just a few days ago?
+We're complex!
+Who can take a story and blow it way out of proportion?
+I'm your man, boss!
+I want you to over-hype this story so much, it makes the New York Post look like the New York Times. Or the New York Times look like the New York Post. I forget which one the good one is.
+I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked.
+There's the boy who bared his bottom to Old Glory. And the family that applauds his every moonery!
+They hate our country, but they love our soapy water!
+Hey, Benedict Arnold. Our cups don't want your colorful balls.
+No one calls me unpatriotic.
+Hey, guys.
+Oh, cold shoulder, huh? Well, I'll just talk to myself. Hey, how ya doin', Homer? Oh, not too bad, how about you? Oh I'm fine. Your wife was great in bed last night. You keep your hands off my wife! Oh yeah? Well I give her what she needs. And she likes...
+Oh, Homer, stop it!
+Homer... this bar's only for real Americans. And people on permanent visas, like me. What? What are you all lookin' at? I'm Dutch. Eh, forget all of you.
+I'm leavin', too. I'm gonna go listen to the President's weekly radio address. And not the rebuttal!
+Goodbye, Homer. I can't get drunk and vomit next to a guy I don't respect.
+Even my best friends have left me! I'm all alone!
+We've become pariahs! In the last two hours I've gotten one thousand hate spams.
+Y'ello. Appear on your TV show?! Tell our side of the story?! You'll see us there?! Goodbye?! Dial tone?!
+If there's one way to get the truth out, it's on a cable news channel.
+When we explain our side of the story, the hate calls will end. I won't have to hear "suck my such and such" or "hell this" and "bitch that..."
+We get it, Mom.
+No, no, no, let her finish.
+Look, what should I say to make people not hate me?
+Son, I've learned one thing in this life: to stay out of trouble, just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat.
+Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms, they're filthy.
+Dad, I am going on a talk show. I have to say something!
+Talk about boats! Then when he asks you if you hate this country, you just start crying and pretend you don't.
+But I don't hate this country.
+There there, save your lies for the American public.
+I'm Nash Castor and it's time to butt heads. Bart Simpson, what do you hate most about this country? Is it the freedom?
+Nash, I've realized something. I'm the worst kid in the world, and the last thing I deserve is forgiveness. But with a little help from Jesus and our fighting men and women overseas--
+So if I hear you correctly, you're saying America's better than Jesus. Do you agree? Before he can answer -- do you?
+Well, America's not perfect--
+So, America isn't perfect. Is that why you and your son hate us?
+If by us you mean loud-mouthed talk show hosts, which everyone seems to be in this country, then yes, I do hate Americans!
+What'd you say?
+Wow, Marge, I'm surprised you haven't been run out of town.
+I'll have you know I am very well liked in Springfield.
+There you have it... Springfield hates America. Now, comin' up after this commercial, I'll be talking even louder. Don't miss it!
+All over the country tonight, patriotic Americans are denouncing Springfield and its official spokesmen, the Simpsons.
+I declare today, December 25th, "We Hate Springfield Day."
+Overseas the reaction tonight is decidedly different.
+Simpsons be praised! Praise be to Springfield!
+But not everyone is ululating tonight. The President announced today he is pointing warheads at--
+Turn that off!
+This could destroy our town! Look what happened to Hitler City, North Carolina -- if they hadn't changed their name to Charlotte, they'd be sunk.
+Sir, conventions are pulling out of Springfield left and right. The Paprika Festival... Bandana Days...
+Sir, we just lost the Adult Video Awards.
+Not the Boneys!
+I am honored to announce that we are changing the name of our town to Liberty-ville!
+"Seventeen seventy-six?" I can't afford to sell a Westside home for that!
+But what a fantastical year for pizza by the slice! / CHARGE A-MONEY FOR THE PIZZA, BUY MYSELF A BIG-A NEW CAR.
+I'm as patriotic as the next person, but changing the traffic lights to red, white and blue just seems dangerous.
+C'mon kid, go! You've got the red!
+Okay, Mr. Teeny. Before the cops come, swallow all these illegal pills, then run to the vet.
+Homeland Noodles with Uncle Sam balls? Apu, aren't you going a bit overboard with the patriotism?
+Oh I don't think so, it is a heartfelt expression of my true desire to protect my mahogany noggin.
+Uh oh. Poonam and Uma are fighting!
+No, no. Those are their pre-witch hunt names. Their new names are Freedom, Lincoln, Condoleeza, Coke, Pepsi, Manifest Destiny, Apple Pie and Superman. And together we're the MacGillicuddys.
+Lord, give us the courage to worship the American flag. Be it on a car, a belt buckle, or on your holy person.
+Ay carumba!
+I'd like to say something about the current climate of repression and fear.
+Ah, put a book in it.
+Sit down, Saddam!
+"Congress shall make no law... abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press."
+That's from the first Amendment to the Constitution. Thank you.
+Thank you, Lisa. I'm sure your opinion will not go unnoticed.
+Simpsons, you're under arrest for the violation of the Government Knows Best Act.
+Martha! Play something to lighten the mood!
+BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKERJACK... / I DON'T CARE IF... OW!
+I can't believe they put us in jail.
+It's not a jail, it's a "reeducation center."
+Well, where do you think we are?
+Well, let's see, after they blindfolded us, it was left, right, left... then a three hour plane ride.
+Do you get time off for snitching on your cellmates?
+You were right, Homie. We shouldn't have rocked the boat. Then none of this would have ever happened.
+Well, we're not the only ones to be unjustly imprisoned. Check out all the left-wing celebrities.
+Bill Clinton? What are you doin' here?
+I called the Republican tax cuts unwise. And I stand by it! They're unwise!
+I want my Washington Post!
+Here's your Washington Post!
+You like that, Clinton?
+You traitors pipe down! You're all here because you hate freedom!
+I'm here because I said imported wines are better than Napa Valley.
+Yeah? Well why don't you take a nap-a?
+My only crime was driving a truck full of explosives in from Canada.
+I don't know why they put the real ones in with the joke ones.
+Hello. I'm the U.S. Constitution and I'm over two hundred years old, but I'm feeling fine! I wish I could say the same for my crazy cousin, Bill O' Rights.
+What I do? What I do?
+Lisa, that's not funny. You believe in the Bill of Rights.
+I don't know whether it's the lack of sleep, the sodium pentathol, or that it's the only cartoon I've seen in two months. But this is what I believe in now.
+Homer, we've got to get outta here.
+Yeah, yeah. Next commercial.
+I know a way out.
+Who are you?
+I'm the last registered democrat. Tax and spend! Tax and spend! Now, if you want to escape, you can do it during the prison talent show tomorrow night.
+I don't want to be in any stupid talent show. Not without my Tennessee walking horses.
+Well, you've got no choice. It's the only way you'll achieve your goal. Goal! Sweet, sweet goal!
+Nineety-seven, Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.
+Thank you. Vote for me for "Best In Show"!
+You guys are on after Al Franken, so the guards will have used up most of their bullets. Make your break at the end of your act.
+Now, people have accused this family of not loving our country. But you can't spell U.S.A. without us... eh?
+O BEAUTIFUL / FOR SPACIOUS SKIES / FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN...
+FIFTY STARS AND THIRTEEN STRIPES...
+OKAY, KIDS SHOW OFF YOUR PIPES...
+AMERICANS ARE / BRAVE AND LOYAL / SO C'MON JERKS, GIVE US YOUR OIL...
+MY CARD HERE SAYS "ACLU" / NOW LOOK WHAT I'M GOING TO DO...
+TO LOVE OUR COUNTRY IS NO CHORE...
+WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR OUR ENCORE...
+We mean it, don't move.
+They've escaped!
+OKAY, KIDS SHOW OFF YOUR PIPES...
+Dad, why are you still singing that stupid song?
+Because if they catch us, we may have to do it again. And this time I want it tight!
+What genius put a prison on the middle of an island?
+Does everyone remember their swimming lessons?
+Great, dive in.
+Hold your fire -- that walrus will eat them.
+No, that's the dad.
+But he's eating a seal.
+Swim toward San Francisco!
+I'm not made of money! We'll swim to Oakland.
+There's a ship! We're saved!
+Oh, what's the use? Even if they pick us up, we'll go back to jail 'cause they think we hate America. I don't want to end up like Elmo, hanging himself in prison.
+Mes amis, we hate America too! Come to France and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the Germans.
+Oh, I've always wanted to go to France. Your women don't age -- like Catherine Deneuve.
+Eh, you wait 'til you see her up close. Then you tell me.
+Maman, please pass ze baguette.
+The food is so delicious here. And these Chanel suits are five for a dollar! I'm using a jacket as a napkin.
+And here no one calls me a fat jerk... I'm a gourmand!
+And yet, I miss America.
+I miss America, too. The United States has its grandeur and its follies, but mostly it's the place where all our stuff is.
+I wish we could go back, but I don't think we're welcome there.
+No, Marge, there's one group that's always welcome in America: immigrants without I.D.
+Well, kids, this is the first chapter of our brand new lives... in America.
+Simpson.
+From now on, you're the Simps!
+Ooh, that'll save some time.
+Now, kids, it'll take us a while to assimilate. I'll start out as a cop, and then, with time, become a dirty cop.
+I think I'm going to like this "America."
+EVERYWHERE AROUND THE WORLD / THEY'RE COMIN' TO AMERICA / EVERY TIME THAT FLAG'S UNFURL / THEY'RE COMING TO AMERICA / GOT A DREAM TO TAKE 'EM THERE / THEY'RE COMING TO AMERICA...
+This is Kent Brockman, live at Springfield's most beloved tourist attraction, the man-shaped mountain crag known as "Geezer Rock."
+Carved by centuries of wind and rain, Geezer Rock will soon be more than just a place for teens to have sex and commit suicide.
+Why did they cancel Futurama?!
+You crushed my boyfriend! You better be good at making out!
+Today, Geezer Rock will be officially designated a national landmark!
+Bart! You promised you'd stop making that comparison.
+Per... our... agreement!
+Knock-kneed home renters. Can't we thin this herd with some smallpox-infected blankets?
+We're already immune, ya jerk!
+Gee, I never noticed that before.
+He's got a tree in his eye!
+If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock. We'll lose tourists! And then who will buy my roadside corn?
+You don't sell roadside corn.
+There's a lot you don't know about me, Marge. A lot that would shock you.
+Thank you, Blood and Tears. Sorry to hear about Sweat.
+Now, before the Undersecretary of the Interior...declares Geezer Rock a national landmark, we shall hear a poem written by honor student Lisa Simpson.
+Thank you. Geezer Rock -- an appreciation in verse.
+Now to do something I've never done before -- help out an old man.
+"Postcard image, thing to see--"
+Gotta go, sweetie!
+But I didn't read my poem!
+Here's a poem: "run fast, or lose your ass"!
+Mr. Burns!
+Mr. Burns is gone! And tonight was the night I was gonna show him my tattoo.
+I can't believe that historic rock is gone.
+My poem has become an elegy. An elegy no one will ever hear.
+Well, at least some good came out of today.
+Bart, you're grounded for a year.
+I'll just pay the fine.
+Okay, three bucks.
+Why don't you publish your poem?
+Don't I already give out turkey slices to the poor?
+Publish it myself? Why not? I could put out a whole newspaper dedicated to the rock. I'd be a publisher, just like Katherine Graham!
+Or that lady who wheels Larry Flynt around!
+Mr. Burns, perhaps it's best you were snatched away before time could diminish your beauty.
+Stop your wailin', Waylon!
+I'm alive!
+Oops, that stays in.
+You're alive! But, but how?!
+Because of my svelte physique, I was able to fit in a narrow air pocket.
+I survived on whatever sustenance came my way.
+Thankfully, a mother mole nursed me as her own until I was strong enough to continue.
+Now, let's see how the common folk are grieving for their fallen god... me.
+And so, a day after the tragedy, the town still mourns the loss of its venerable old man.
+Here it comes.
+Beloved by children...
+Ah, yes, the little ones.
+Thought to be thousands of years old...
+I have been "eighty-nine" for a while now.
+We'll miss you... Geezer Rock.
+Quickly, Smithers. Re-hydrate me.
+But one old man we certainly don't miss is the late C. Montgomery Burns. As owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, he generated both electricity and contempt.
+Thank you, Geezer Rock, for doing what none of us had the courage to do -- smoosh Mr. Burns.
+This town cared more for a soulless piece of granite than for me! I don't have a friend in the world.
+You have me, sir.
+Don't be so needy.
+Well, I'm going to change this town's accurate impression of me.
+Sir, you could improve your image with various good deeds.
+You eliminated that program in the thirties, sir.
+They were getting too grabby! All right, I know how to change the way the public thinks of me: I'll buy every media outlet in town. Bring me a checkbook and a mother mole!
+I really got hooked on this stuff.
+Thanks for helping me deliver the first edition of The Red Dress Press, Dad.
+I'm always happy to help you, sweetie.
+He TOSSES a paper and yells out the window.
+Extree! Extree! Man driving erratically throws papers out window!
+"Elegy for Geezer Rock:" / "Postcard image, thing to see, / To think of Springfield is to think of thee. / What thoughts be-pass a'hind thy mien? / Why sky art blue, why trees art green? And what, pray tell, did thine eyes see? / Perchance, old friend, they gazed at me. / Brought low by nature's oafish hand, / Thou crush-ed our reviewing stand / And twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth: / All things must pass -- thy face, my youth."
+Wow. I haven't cried like this since the third Mr. Teeny died.
+You couldn't hold a candle to him!
+Neither could you! You were okay -- you got me broads.
+Well this is one dilly of a daily, Lisa. Can't wait for tomorrow's!
+Tomorrow's? I hadn't thought about publishing more.
+You better -- I've already sold a bunch of subscriptions. How do you think I got these swell prizes!
+All right, Nelson. What kind of journalism skills do you have?
+I'unno. Makin' nerds cry?
+Perfect. You're our TV critic. Ralph, what about you?
+I wanna be a fire truck!
+Hmm, how about feature columnist?
+Yay! I'm a feature columnist!
+Good day. Hello!
+Great glayvin's ghost, he's alive!
+It's not fair!
+That's right, I pulled a Jesus. Have a nickel.
+Burns is alive? Then whose skull am I drinkin' beer out of?
+Boy, I can't wait to dance on his grave.
+Oh yeah.
+Whose grave?
+Uh... the Unknown Soldier.
+Carry on.
+Okay, it's time to win the love of these hateful morons. Step one: amass a vast media empire.
+This station's not for sale, Burns. It's been in the same family for generations.
+Look, I assure you, no sack of money is big enough to change my mind, now...
+Oh. There's more to life than being rich, you know.
+Very tempting. But I assure you I'm still not sold.
+Wanna split an ice cream sundae?
+Done and done!
+Check it out. Principal Skinrash.
+Nice work, Bart! But give him a runny nose. I want the readers to gag on their morning cup of Joe.
+Snot a problem, Chief.
+Don't call me Chief.
+Sure thing, Jerk.
+Chief is fine.
+You're on the morning zoo with Bill and Marty! What's your "Wednesday Whiiiine?"
+Well, first of all, I agree with you two: it's sheer humbuggery that pretty girls can flirt their way out of speeding tickets.
+No support for the naughty hotties!
+Secondly, I want you to pack up and get out. I just bought this station -- and you're fired!
+And play that delightful flush sound on your way out.
+Yes, sir.
+Indoor plumbing. The lack of it killed my mother.
+I've done it, Smithers! I've bought every media outlet in town -- TV, radio, even the skywriters...
+Cletus, what does that say?
+That, that says um, "I loves you, Brandine."
+Oh, Cletus. Tonight, you can knock me up again.
+Excellent. But uh, put a little more apple in my cheek.
+It's appling now, sir.
+Splendid! Now, let's see how I'm faring on the jumping box.
+You mean the television, sir?
+Television, jumping box, pict-o-cube, just crank it up.
+In tonight's face-off, I'll be debating Channel 6 movie ghoulie Booberella on the subject of our new boss, C. Montgomery Burns. My view: he's a great leader and a gallant American.
+He's got a heart as big as my booobs!
+I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one.
+Smithers, do you know Bill from accounting? That's his daughter!
+Let me show you why you and all protestors are wrong.
+All right.
+Nuclear power helps heat that orphanage...and keep that hospital humming.
+But what about wind power? It's cheap and safe.
+Remember children, nuclear power is your friend. And so is Monty Burns!
+Don't end up like me. Vote Republican!
+Another setback.
+God bless America. This cartoon was made in Korea.
+Burns owns everything! I've gotta speak out before it's too late!
+"Dear readers: you hold in your hands the last paper not controlled by the Burns media empire. We are not afraid to say Montgomery Burns is a monopolistic, self-aggrandizing hmmm... stinky pants."
+Huh, maybe Burns ain't so great.
+This little girl has given us a lot to mull.
+Hey, hey, ya mugs. Thinkin' ain't drinkin'!
+Bring that girl to me.
+I'm sorry Mr. Burns, but my paper's not for sale.
+Maybe a little gift will change your mind.
+Send in Sugarbelle.
+She's very pretty, but the answer is still no.
+Honeysuckle! Dewdrop!
+They're so beautiful. And their breath smells like peppermint! No! No! I won't take your blood ponies! Go on, sweetie. Go on. Shoo!
+Very well, you had your chance. I'm going to shred you like a Christmas card! Now, get out.
+I can't. My Mom's not picking me up for an hour.
+So... what do you think of today's popular music scene?
+I think it distracts people from more important social issues.
+My God, are you always on?
+Stupid women drivers.
+Stupid women helicopter pilots.
+Everyone okay?
+You can't leave now! We're the only thing stopping Mr. Burns!
+Sorry, Lisa. And by the way, that story I filed from Baghdad was all made up. I was actually in Basra.
+Everyone chickened out. Except Ralph. He got poached by the Chicago Tribune.
+I guess we're down to just me.
+Take the sob sister act somewhere else -- you're standin' in my light!
+Bart, you're staying!
+Lis, I've learned a valuable lesson here: the pen is mightier than the flaming bag of poop.
+Oh, it's beautiful.
+This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire?
+Your goons did run her off the road, sir.
+I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do!
+Perhaps there's a non-violent way to silence this girl.
+Non-violence never solved anything! Fine, curtsy boy, I'll try it your way.
+What the...?
+Dad! Mr. Burns cut our power -- now I can't print my paper!
+These batteries have to power everything in our house!
+YO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT... WHAT I WANT WHAT I WANT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I...
+That was totally worth it.
+Stupid Burns, cuts off my power, lowers my credit rating...
+Uh, Lisa, I think I can help you.
+You're not mad about Principal Skinrash?
+Are you kidding? I love it. I once had a principal like that. Now, come with me.
+What's that?
+This, young lady, is a mimeo machine. A hand-operated duplicating device -- no electricity needed.
+That smell takes me back.
+Didi mau! Didi mau!
+Finally, in nineteen ninety-two, I was reunited with that chair. It wasn't quite the same.
+Good God, I'm at war with a little girl... and I'm losing!
+Smithers, this calls for the League of Evil!
+My league! My beautiful league! All dead!
+Even monsters need air, sir.
+Blast! Well, gather their watches. I must find another way to vanquish the girl...
+So, has your daughter always been such a righteous little rabble-rouser?
+Oh yeah, she's always trying to improve mankind.
+Fascinating. Do go on.
+Wait a minute. Are you trying to get dirt on Lisa?
+You saw right through me. Well done! Have some congratulatory drugs.
+Well, if that's your custom.
+Now, tell me more about your daughter. And speak into the lamp.
+Well, she's into Buddhism, whistle-blowing, totally against pollution no matter what I say...
+Liberal whacko, eh? Any young beaux?
+Well, that loser Milhouse has always had a thing for her. Don't you love it when nerds don't know they're nerds?
+Yes, there's nothing more pathetic than self-delusion, eh.
+Hello, Beefcake Charlie!
+Dad, how could you say these things?
+I'm so sorry, honey. I said good things about you too. Check out the Lifestyle section: "Plastic pearls make the girl."
+Well, at least there's nothing else Burns can do to me.
+Way to go, Moon Milhouse!
+Bah. It's as easy as crushing an ant!
+Take my wallet and leave me alone!
+Oh, I can't stand seeing one of my children like this.
+I can still hear her. I'd better do something.
+Look at you go. Type-ity type, type, type!
+Marge, I'm pullin' an all-nighter for my little girl. Put on a pot of coffee, drink it and start makin' burgers.
+Some anniversary this is.
+"The Homer Times"?
+"All my daughter ever did was tell people to think for themselves. I may be her father, but when I grow up, I wanna be just like her. Except still a dude."
+Oh, Dad...
+This is so sweet, but I've learned one little paper can't make a difference in this world.
+The Barney Bugle?
+Lisa, you made me realize the importance of free and independent media. So I printed my own paper. Although it's mostly culled from wire services.
+Hey, who wants a copy of "The Lenny Saver?"
+You have a newspaper too?
+Well, I was readin' in the Homer Times about what you did for us, and I got to thinkin' maybe I should start askin' my own questions -- you know, find out the truth about things.
+It had to be told.
+Check out the Willie World News: I review the new tractors. They're all shite!
+See, Lisa? Instead of one Big Shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks Xeroxing their worthless opinions.
+I couldn't be prouder.
+"Are you a 'Patty' or a 'Selma?' Take our quiz.,are you a patty or a selma take our quiz,10
+96709,335,275,"Captain Horatio McCallister: Well
+Well, I guess it's impossible to control all the media -- unless of course, you're Rupert Murdoch. He is one beautiful man.
+I couldn't agree more.
+Smithers, I'm a proud fellow, and it's not easy for me to admit defeat. But I know just the thing to make me feel better -- shopping!
+We now return to "Keepin' It Kodos," starring Kang.
+Is dinner ready yet? Our boss will be here any minute now.
+Ugh! This one keeps eating himself.
+Hello? Octopuses? I'm done.
+Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?
+You're the only one who won't shut up about it.
+What a delicious meal! I feel like I'm going to burst.
+Cool! I'm vomit.
+Well, a fine meal like that deserves a hyper-galactic promotion.
+Hyper-galactic!
+Wait a minute. I don't have a family anymore!
+You do now, son. You do now.
+Homer, what are you doing?
+Trying to get a Frisbee off the roof.
+Oh, there's the Frisbee.
+Concussion... diddily... hemorrhage... doodily... injury... bodily...
+Ned, you nearly died... of a brain tumor. Thank goodness that bowling ball knocked it out of your head. Welcome back, dog!
+My, you look awfully pale. Let's get you some fresh air.
+And while you're there, can you get my Frisbee off the ledge?
+All right. But I swear to God this is the very last time.
+Oh man, is this gonna hurt.
+Ah, that's better.
+Come on, Ned. Just because you foresaw Dr. Hibbert's death doesn't mean you can see into the future. It was just a sinister co-inky-dink.
+Help me! Some bullies threw my shoes over a telephone wire.
+With me in them.
+Just wriggle loose. I'll catch ya, li'l critter!
+What the Family Circus? A second premonition came to fruition.
+Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom?
+Well I didn't need any special power to know that was comin'.
+Hey Flanders, have you seen my Frisbee?
+Homer, I can foretell people's deaths!
+People's deaths, eh?
+Do me! Do me!
+So, what'd I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalanche?
+Uh, you die eating a submarine sandwich.
+What kind of bread?
+Country parmesan.
+Woo hoo!
+Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
+'Cause I had a vision of myself... shooting your father.
+In this neighborhood, who hasn't?
+Well, you can't fight fate, but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto: "Not in the face."
+Don't worry, sweetie. I am not going to kill your father.
+Flanders? Kill me? You never killed anybody... and you're gonna start with the big dog?
+Homer, please, don't tempt the gods. I-I mean God! There's-there's one God! Only one! Well, sometimes there's three.
+Hey Chief, throw me your piece.
+Uh, sure thing, citizen.
+C'mon, shoot me a new one!
+Oh, I'm so scared. Ned Flanders is pointing a gun at me. You couldn't even shoot me by accident, even if I whacked the barrel like this.
+Quit whackin' my barrel!
+You leave me no choice!
+I was supposed to shoot you, but I didn't! I changed the future!
+What have I done? I've changed the future for the worse.
+Homer, stay away from the nuclear plant.
+Fine, I'll never go back. Starting tomorrow. Today is Lenny's birthday and they're having ice cream cake.
+But you're gonna kill us all...
+But ice cream cake...
+I gotta find Homer -- he's gonna blow up the whole town!
+Yeah, well, you know. You've gotta take the bitter with the sweet.
+Homer! Homer!
+Homer! Do not press the core destruct button!
+Press... destruct... button.
+Don't do it! Don't do it! You'll kill everyone!
+Do it! Do it! Kill everyone!
+It sure is taking me a long time to reach this button.
+Must... kill... best friend.
+Homer, fall backward!
+Oh, you stupid son-of-a...
+Homer, I am so mad at you! I'll bet you blew up the town just to get out of cleaning the garage!
+Everything's comin' up Homer.
+Yeah, well, the joke's on you, smart guy. The garage made it to Heaven too!
+Hmmm, I wonder if I could blow up Heaven?
+Homer Simpson, it's time you got what's coming to you.
+Your Frisbee.
+Cool. You guys got a good buffet up here?
+Oh yeah. Just stay away from the three bean salad.
+You're not the boss of me.
+Hello, Ducky.
+You gave me quite a fright, you did. Say, you don't need no fancy knife to get me attention, not with those handsome muttonchops. C'mon, give us a snog.
+That's not a snog!
+Looks like the muttonchop murderer has struck again.
+What should we do with the body?
+I want you to dust her for prints.
+What does that mean?
+The Prince is coming by. And I want her clean when he looks her over.
+Perhaps we can be of assistance, Inspector.
+Well, well, well, look who's here. Master detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick, Dr. Bartley.
+What's this? A doorknob! Good show!
+So, what clues has the body shewn?
+We don't need clues -- we've already caught the killer.
+Please.
+This mysterious Hindu is clearly responsible for the murder. Lock him up till we find someone darker, boys.
+I am not a killer! I am but a humble purveyor of disgusting British food.
+Lark tongues, head pudding, eel pies...
+Eel pie?! My favorite!
+Mmm, we British sure eat crap!
+Inspector, might I have a word wit' you?
+Absolutely.
+Get back down there, you!
+You were saying?
+Well, it's like this. I'm a proper Cockney flower girl, I am, and I sees this real strange bloke. Out of sorts. Mad in the eyes. All kettles and biscuits. Well, he seen I was lookin' at him and he drops this and runs. Cor, blimey, skip to me loo!
+Good Lord! I'm afraid this case is beyond even your powers, little girl.
+I'll take that challenge, Inspector.
+Yeah, well, good luck. Uh, now boys, let's see the suspect in that child abduction case.
+I shall never grow up!
+Uh, in jail you will.
+Yes, I recognize this blade. I sold it as part of a set -- the famed Seven Swords of Osiris! Now would you be interested in an illustrated novelette?
+It also includes a "Young David Diligent" adventure.
+Confound it, man, I need to know who bought those swords!
+Very well. I will check my records. You may examine my curios... but do not touch my oddities. Use your judgment with my gewgaws.
+Well, I'll be blazed!
+I know these missionaries.
+I just told the natives they were havin' sex the wrong way!
+Help! Help!
+Murther!
+The Muttonchop Murderer is long gone. But this ledger will lead us to him!
+This potion will give me new life.
+I'm alive! I'm gonna go to America! I'll be in pictures! You'll see! The whole world is gonna know the name Simon Stoolowitz.
+It says here the swords were sold to C. Ebenezer Burns.
+Burns? The evil industrialist who makes coal out of babies? I know just where to find him.
+Ebenezer Burns? Yeah, he's over here.
+How ya doin', there? Fresh'n your pipe? Anybody need a let-me-down? Whoa, whoa, heads up there, buddy. A rat's gnawin' off your toe.
+The sword of Osiris! I once possessed the entire collection. Then I sold them all for opium. Oh, how I wish I had them back... to sell for more opium.
+Who did you sell the swords to?
+A fat man with sideburns... like that one over there!
+There's your muttonchop murderer! Stop, fiend!
+Opium rules!
+Hey! Hey! Read the sign!
+Well, well, what have we here?
+Inspector! You've caught the villain! But what are you doing in an opium den?
+Well, it's the only way I can get Ralphie to go sleep.
+I can make Opi-ohs!
+Well, Dr. Bartley, another mystery well solved.
+Yes, with the murderer behind bars, London's working girls are free to follow their merry calling.
+Yet another sword of Osiris! But that must mean... the murderer is still at large!
+He could have killed this one days ago -- the body is bloated and the face is rotten.
+It was five minutes ago, you twit.
+Please spare me. I'm not a murderer, I'm not. And I've never known the pleasures of a woman... or a proper eating apple!
+Quiet, you.
+Yuck! There's cheese in my eel pie!
+This week in our Summer Hanging Series, we're pleased to present the Muttonchop Murderer. At last God-fearing Londoners are free to walk Whore Alley.
+Stay your hand, Inspector!
+That man is innocent! The murderer's blade is covered with blood. But the handle is covered with something else. The unmistakable fragrance of eel pie!
+Eh, lots of people like eel pie.
+Yeah? Well, how many of them have muttonchops?
+Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.
+That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.
+E's 'ight, 'eef.
+Inspector Wiggum, you were the most famous member of Scotland Yard. Why would you do this?
+Well, the fact is, I wanted to come up with a case even you couldn't solve. And besides... so long, you stupid British twits!
+You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind!
+Remember me for my police work and not the murders!
+Well done. Their fleet is destroyed.
+Daddy, I had the craziest dream.
+Ralphie... you're still in it.
+I have a serious brain disease. Please give me a cat.
+This comically large capsule has lifetime supplies of niacin, thiamin and riboflavin-glavin!
+Prior to ingestion, the pill must be reduced by my amazing new shrink ray.
+Shrink ray? Oh, there's always something else to buy.
+First I lower the capsule top, thusly...
+Then I zap the capsule, thisly...
+And now, who would like a lifetime of perfect health?
+I'll take it!
+No, no that's now... well, all right.
+That sounds like Maggie. But she's right here...
+Now, now don't worry, my dear woman. She will be rocked gently to sleep by the stomach acid.
+Hold on, Maggie! Daddy's coming!
+I've got her!
+Oh, Mag... No wait, this is yours.
+Your daughter has thirty minutes before the acid dissolves the capsule.
+But we can rescue her by sending a miniaturized vessel through Mr. Burns' body.
+Stop that! The felt is slicing through me like a knife!
+Bio-nauts assemble!
+Captain!
+Science Officer!
+Security!
+Now, I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And uh, while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.
+Let the commencement beginulate!
+Now, you must enter the subclavian vein!
+Screw you, doc! I fly from the gut.
+Dad, you should listen to him. He's a man of science and you can barely read!
+Bah! Has science ever kissed a woman, or won the Super Bowl, or put a man on the moon? This is what I think of your precious science.
+Help me, science!
+Your ship is wedged in Mr. Burns' heart. And you must dislodge it from the outside. But watch out for retro-viruses. Oh boy, are they retro!
+It's a fun design by R. Crumb, who was friends with Harvey Pekar. Seriously, though, touch one and you're dead.
+Why is my swimsuit so revealing?
+Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage.
+Maybe this'll help.
+Where'd you get that rib?
+There's a whole rack of 'em over there. I only ate two.
+Bart, what are you doing?
+Takin' a whiz.
+Stop that! We're guests in Mr. Burns!
+To get Maggie in time, we'll have to catch a ride on a nerve impulse -- the body's information super-highway!
+Learning is cool!
+And to make sure we get there super fast, I'm hitting all the buttons with my palm.
+Well, that hurt like Hell.
+Oh my sweet, undigested baby!
+I'm afraid I have some bad news, um Simpsons. With the baby's extra weight, you don't have enough power to make it back. And one of you must stay behind to save the rest. Frink out.
+Oh, my God! This is the worst Halloween horror we've ever faced.
+And white blood cells are attacking my clothes!
+Although I must admit, they know where to stop.
+We'll have to lighten the ship, which means one of us has to stay behind. Bart?... Lisa?...
+Fine, me.
+Don't worry. We'll be fine!
+I'm saying goodbye to everything I ever loved. Ooh, a marshmallow!
+Boy, when God closes a door, he opens a window.
+Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers?
+Cut me some slack, I'm a widow.
+Now, there is still a slight chance we could rescue your husband before he expands.
+Uh, make that zero chance. Frink out.
+Dad, would you like some of my Snicker-bar cheesecake?
+Oh, I feel full enough as it is.
+I say when we're full. You don't wanna piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.
+I need a mouth hole. And some other holes too.
+Cheer up, my chubby inner child. I've got a feeling everything's going to work out fine. Because I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN...
+I'VE GOT YOU DEEP IN THE HEART OF ME...
+We now return to "Blackula Meets Black Dracula."
+I'm turning this disco into a hockey rink.
+You mean a honky rink!
+You know, Black Dracula is now a Congressman from Virginia.
+Bart, where did you get those?
+There's an open house next door. They're giving out cookies and business cards!
+Check it out, I'm a business jerk!
+Simpson.
+Marge, I don't want to buy this house. I'd have to live next door to myself.
+Turn that down!
+Screw you!
+Relax, we're just looky-loos. We're only here to compare our lifestyle to our neighbors.
+Oh c'mon, Marge. It's not fair to compare us to an American household.
+It's so beautiful and modern. Ooh, a Sub-Zero fridge...
+A slightly colder fridge? In my lifetime? Amazing.
+This is the kitchen I've always wanted. Ooh, a bread maker-maker!
+And check this out.
+A walk-in microwave! Hey Marge, can you press stop when my popcorn's done?
+Homie, when I married you, I knew we wouldn't live in luxury.
+And I kept that vow.
+But seeing that kitchen today made me wish we had something a little better for ourselves.
+I'll build you a new kitchen, sweetie.
+Oh, Homie... that's so thoughtful, but maybe we should hire a professional contractor.
+A contractor? Those guys are the biggest crooks around. They charge for materials and labor! Pick one, jerks!
+Man, that hurt. And now to do the exact same thing again.
+Maybe you should turn off the power.
+All right.
+Don't demolish along the way!
+Easy... easy...
+"Playdude" magazines? Have you been hiding bosom rags from me?
+Trying to.
+These magazines are from before we were married. Maybe you should throw them away.
+But I need them for the articles!
+The articles, eh? So you wouldn't mind if I cut out all the erotic nudes?
+I like-a to kiss.
+Of course not. Why would I want to look at a nude woman I'm not even married to? I mean, I wouldn't even know how she could improve me.
+I'm not wearing any clothes. So why don't I just splay myself on a pool table!
+Steady, steady...
+Okay, here's your precious articles.
+Thanks, Marge. I can't wait to read about "Sport Fishing With Sonny Jurgensen."
+What man would want you now?
+Whoa -- Playdudes!
+Let the blossoming of Milhouse begin.
+I gotta be honest -- I don't see what all the hubbub is about.
+Hey, the lady in this picture is hot. She can calamine my hives anytime.
+That's Congresswoman Bella Abzug.
+Ciao Bella.
+The grown-ups in this magazine are pretty cool.
+I could make the treehouse look like this. Then we could have orgies, whatever they are.
+We'll be Playdude Playmates!
+We are Playdude Playmates! We are Playdude Playmates!
+There it is, nice and smooth. I'd like to see your boyfriend the contractor do a better job.
+I think you used too much plaster.
+Oh, now you tell me.
+I never stopped telling you.
+So that's what that white noise was.
+I'm calling a contractor.
+Thanks for taking the job. I'm sorry my husband is being so difficult.
+Get lost, crook!
+That's all right, Mrs. Simpson. Many husbands feel emasculated when their wife must turn to a professional to satisfy her remodeling needs.
+Why don't you just kiss her?
+I'm gay. But I have a subcontractor that does that sort of thing for me.
+Now, don't you worry. Your kitchen will be done in three weeks.
+When Virginia Woolf wrote "every woman needs a room of one's own," she must have been talking about the kitchen.
+What's the first thing you're gonna make in your new kitchen?
+How 'bout cooking up some money because this stupid kitchen cost a hundred thousand dollars.
+I was thinking of chicken wings.
+Those are good too.
+Same old stuff: meatloaf, casserole, tunaloaf, loaferole, casseloaf...
+Marge Simpson's Wasabi Buffalo Wings!
+Ooh, an eastern twist on a western New York favorite.
+These wings are going straight to my thighs... and I say bon voyage!
+What do you think, Thomas Pynchon?
+These wings are "V.-licious!" I'll put this recipe in the "Gravity's Rainbow Cookbook" right next to "The Frying of Latke 49."
+I agree with my fellow Cornell alumnus literary colossus! Huzzah for Marge!
+Huzzah!
+And how 'bout a huzzah for my husband who paid for our new kitchen?
+Marge, you know I thought I was Springfield's wing ding king, but uh, you make my chicken look like cock-a-diddily doo doo.
+Great stuff, Ned.
+You know I was gonna enter this here Ovenfresh Bakeoff... but up against you, I wouldn't have a Hindu's chance in Heaven.
+If you win, Ovenfresh Industries will make you the new face of Auntie Ovenfresh.
+C'mon, Marge, it's either you, or...
+I guess it would be a hoot to have my face on everything.
+Oh Mrs. Simpson, you must pursue your dreams. Like my old dream of coming to America and starting a family. Or my new dream of ditching my family and sneaking back to India in disguise.
+Apu? Never heard of him. My name is Steve Barnes.
+So, when do they start singing?
+Well, the Playdude Advisor says this music will get a stewardess to give you a layover.
+I hope it's in Omaha. My Grammy lives there.
+Bart, can you come in here for a second?
+Your mother's about to show us her new recipe.
+Outtasight! Lay it on me, Mama.
+In the Ovenfresh Bakeoff, clever presentation is as important as taste. So I'm entering my dessert dogs!
+It's deep fried cookie dough with meringue buns, cherry "ketchup" and caramel "mustard."
+It's dessert, but it's hot dogs, so it's good for you!
+Marge, I don't want to freak you out, but I think I love you.
+I hope the Ovenfresh Bake-off likes them as much as you do.
+Mom, a letter from Ovenfresh Industries!
+Well, open it, open it, open it!
+Thank you for applying to the Ovenfresh Bakeoff. Every year many wonderful cooks fail to qualify.
+"...but screw them, you're in! Congratulations!"
+Oh my God! Someone, somewhere says I'm better than someone else!
+I'm proud of you, honey.
+Sorry, Ralphie. The Bake-off rejected your recipe.
+I wanna be in the bakeoff!
+There, there. I think your grilled crayon sandwich was delicious.
+You only had a pretend bite.
+No, I'm eating it, look.
+Can you taste the thumbtacks?
+Aw crap.
+My dessert!
+Well...
+I'm here live at the annual Ovenfresh Bakeoff, brought to you by the Ovenfresh Flour family of products, including: Li'l Fatso Cupcakes, Drizzlers Gravies, American Pride Radar-Guided Missile Systems, and Quetzalcoatl's Choice Mexican Foods.
+Quetzalcoatl's Choice... the favorite from Zihuatanejo to Popocatepetl!
+Haw haw! Bart looks different today.
+Ah Nelson, your debonair wit reminds me of a young Mort Sahl.
+Listen up, ring-a-ding-dingers. I'm throwin' a little sip 'n' quip at the Playdude Treehouse. Saturday night, at the top of the ladder. Be there or be square.
+I wanna be a triangle.
+You're not invited.
+It's gonna be weird cooking without your tipsy father grabbing me from behind. But I think I'm up to it.
+Welcome to the Ovenfresh Bakeoff. I'm Billy Bouillon Cube! Follow me to your oven station.
+Why thank you, Billy.
+Don't look at my human eyes!
+Oh, don't mind Billy. His oven light's on, but nothing's cookin'. So, whatcha makin' ... Marge?
+Well... Stuart, I'm making a dessert that looks like a hot dog, but it isn't.
+You're making a "tasty fake?" That is so nineties. Why don't we all move to Seattle and use slow modems?
+Yo, Marge! Your recipe, she is-a pathetic.
+She is not!
+Great licks man, great licks.
+Yo Bart, there's no room left in the grotto.
+Who's that adult?
+Hey, it wouldn't be a Playdude party without James Caan.
+Come on Mom! You still have twenty minutes left -- you can fix it!
+Emanations!
+So I'm trying to talk with Miss November and Charlie Callas over here is blocking my action with the . Turns out he was choking on a peanut. Well, a punch to the gut cleared that right up.
+Hey, Bart, me and Mrs. Krabappel uh, we're gonna play some "backgammon," if you know what I mean.
+I don't, but I hope you win.
+Oh, he's gonna win.
+Some guys like a challenge. Not me.
+Ladies and gentlemen! Before we begin, let us introduce Auntie Ovenfresh, nineteen fifty-four!
+Ribbons and trophies are no comfort on your deathbed.
+Auntie Ovenfresh! And now, chefs, start your kitchens!
+Fish scales?
+Stop! You're tainting my entry!
+Oh, I'm-a so sorry. It was, how you say, "done with malice aforethought." Yes?
+You did it on purpose?
+No no no no no no, my English she's a-not so good. I was, how you say, "ruining your food so I win?" Yes?
+Why is everyone at this bakeoff such a meanie-bo-beanie?
+These muffin-huffin' batter biddies can smell weakness a mile away. Weakness named Marge!
+Why can't everyone just play fair and... Did you just dunk your hair in my mixing bowl?
+You're weak! Weak!
+Listen here, Simpson. Your son has been exposing our kids to adult themes, unabashed dictionaries, and the lesser short fiction of John Cheever!
+Adult themes? What are you talking about?
+Well, my Roddy told a joke about an octopus and a set of bagpipes -- and the punchline implied that they fornicated!
+Ralphie wants to go on the pill!
+Stupid Bart. Bagpipes getting down with an octopus... that's classic.
+Hot bananas coming through.
+You're right. If I can feed a family of five on twelve dollars a week, I can do anything.
+You feed us on twelve dollars a week?
+I stretch your father's meatloaf with sawdust.
+Attention contestants!
+Baking time is over. The judging will commence in one hour. If your dish is not in the judging room by the time this metal door hits the ground, your entry will not be official and will be eaten by the janitor.
+Hurry, Mom!
+I guess I was the last one.
+Dammit!
+These other dishes look so pretty. And those cheaters blackened my sugar wieners. I'd like to give those Betty Crookeds a taste of their own medicine. Yes... medicine.
+Baby ear medicine.
+Even the Pope couldn't forgive this pizza... and he's letting a lot of things slide these days.
+Don't worry, there's plenty for all of you! Now who's laughing? Huh? Huh? Me! I'm laughing!
+I can't believe my Mom would cheat.
+Hey sweetie, is Mom winning?
+Oh, she'll win the contest, but she'll lose her soul.
+But she'll still win the contest?
+And lose her soul.
+But win the contest?
+Woo-hoo! If Marge becomes Auntie Ovenfresh, we'll meet all the food personalities...
+Look! It's Mister Cashew... the Koobler Dwarfs... Snip, Crinkle and Poof...
+Twinkle the Kidd, I love you!
+Whoa, easy there, pardner.
+You... killed him.
+He was my world!
+Blood for creme! Blood for creme!
+Blood for creme! Blood for creme!
+It's always difficult to pick two finalists. But this year it was easy -- all the other dishes made us vomit!
+Our two remaining dishes are "Blackened Dessert Dogs" by Marge Simpson...
+And "Armadillo à la Road" by Brandine No Last Name Given.
+That's an entry?! I thought it was garbage.
+Just 'cause it was cooked in a garbage can don't make it garbage.
+Canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days. But most bachelors we know would prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes.
+Bachelors are always squeezin' stuff!
+Would you excuse us, Milton?
+It's Milhouse.
+Yeah, and your father's "No House." Now scram.
+Maybe I was a little hard on him. Oh, well. Bart, I know a father has no right to pry into the life of his ten-year-old son. But what's going on up here?
+I'm just spreadin' the Playdude philosophy. Hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, gettin' some...
+Uh-um... What do you think "some" is?
+Uh... toys?
+I thought I'd never have to do this, but it's time to tell you the facts of life.
+Do you know what a boob is?
+Oh yeah.
+Good. That'll save us some time. Okay... why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?
+Because we're poor?
+Exactly. And we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...
+And then the man...
+And then the woman...
+Well, it's better they hear it from me now, than from their parents when they're old enough.
+Congratulations, Mom. You seem to have a prescription for success.
+What a kind yet oddly ominous thing to say. Now I've got to get ready for the finals.
+Don't forget your secret ingredient...
+Cheating!
+Well, it's not my fault! Lisa, the people in this bake-off are stinkers, who pushed me and pushed me, like the pushy-wushies they are!
+Mom, if I don't have you to look up to, I don't have anyone.
+Look, I'll be a winner with feet of clay... like Mickey Mantle. Everyone loves the Mick.
+I don't want Mickey Mantle, I want my Mom.
+Hey, plenty of kids are gonna look up to me when I'm Auntie whatever it is. Right now people just know me as the wife of the guy who doesn't go to work. Can't you understand that I need this?
+I guess Dad has to be my hero now.
+Not if you knew what he's been doing.
+Welcome to the final battle of the Ovenfresh Challenge!
+She's already ahead of me.
+Well, I didn't come this far not to cheat.
+I look up to you...
+...because you let me down.
+That's clever... and devastating. Stop the competition!
+Whaaa?!
+I don't deserve to win. I sabotaged all the other entries!
+Looks like me and Marge are both goin' to Hell. That's when I make my move.
+Then I won! With my festive holiday Alco-Hog.
+I thought it was dead.
+Thanks, honey, for saving me from myself.
+And Marge, you'll always be the best chef in our house.
+B.F.D. I've had your scrambled eggs, Homer. The secret ingredient is whiskey.
+Hey, it keeps the kids quiet.
+Hey look! The new Ovenfresh flour bag!
+That coulda been me.
+Oh, I wish it had-a been.
+Now that Brandine's famous, she done run off with James Caan!
+But don't you worry. I'mmo fix his wagon.
+A toll booth? I hate these things!
+That's it. Next time I fly.
+Check it out, girls. Sixty-eight squares of ankle-busting fury!
+That's right, a double-dogleg, hamstring-knotting Hop-Way to Hell. What insane kangaroo dreamed this fevered nightmare? Behold!
+Ladies, grab your pebbles!
+Nothing.
+Lisa has a big butt!
+Lisa has a big butt!
+Shut up! I do not!
+Oh no! Don't make Lisa mad!
+She might crush us all with her giant butt!
+Shut up, you! Stop teasing the big-bottomed lass! She's just as God made her -- plump as a Christmas goose.
+Dad, the kids at school said my butt's big.
+That's ridiculous, honey. You're the cutest little girl I know. You just have what is known as the Simpson butt. Permit me to elaborate.
+Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here... then a smaller one up here... two big, sexy circles for eyes... one macho muzzle... and a snappy new outfit. Hm, I'm lookin' good... ooh, cuffs... yeah... and for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G."
+Party! Party! Party! Party!
+You wanna know a little trick? To downsize my derrière, I just tie a sweater around it.
+Oh, Homer, you're wasting away to nothing. You simply must eat something. Well, you're the boss!
+Oh, I love to see my man eat.
+Check it out, Homes. You said if I ever got a hundred on a test, you'd throw me a party.
+There's my hundred -- where's my party?
+Nice try, loser. I bet you made up a fake test.
+Nope, it's real -- check out the watermark.
+All right.
+Ah-ha! Here's a mistake. It says the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort. Dream on, pal.
+Homer, the capital of Kentucky is Frankfort.
+Really? Frankfurter... is that anything?
+Yes, it's something, dear.
+See, it's all legit. Now make with the party.
+All right, boy, which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention and take notes? Well, take note of this!
+Bart really did get a hundred. I gave a test on state capitals, but I forgot to roll up the map. Everyone got a hundred.
+I win! P-A-R-T. Par-tee!
+People, please. It's a school night.
+I thought you two broke up.
+This means nothing.
+Yes yes, you've made that quite clear.
+Maybe a different outfit would make me look thinner.
+This store makes me feel even worse about myself.
+Ooh, I heard she's back to her birth weight.
+Must be nice.
+No, no, the body on this mannequin is all wrong.
+I know! It's such an unrealistic standard for young... Huh?
+PLANING DOWN THE THIGHS / PLANING DOWN THE THIGHS / I MAKE FOUR BUCKS AN HOUR / PLANING DOWN THE THIGHS!
+Hey, I don't look so bad.
+Don't worry, Lisa. You can still find someone to love you.
+Now you've got no choice.
+Noooooo!
+Oh boy! Barty's gonna party!
+He sure is -- if he can keep up with these party animals!
+Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Grandma Bouvier and Grampa!
+Plus your school-yard chums: Martin and Ralph!
+Bart's my bestest boyfriend.
+Oh Mom, this guest list sucks.
+It's the best I could do on such short notice.
+Where's Milhouse?
+He's got the measles. But we've got him on speakerphone!
+Rock on! You know, the first time I met Bart--
+I told him to use a land line. Okay gang, let's get this party started -- or should I say Barted?
+For our first game, I need everyone to draw a picture of President Eisenhower.
+I drew him with Canadian Prime Minister Louis St. Laurent. Their relationship was frosty at best.
+Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck...
+Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck duck, duck, duck, duck, duck...
+Say "goose," you stupid freak!
+Mom, this was the worst party ever.
+Gee, I did the best I could...
+Oh, yeah. Bart Simpson. Spiky hair, soft kidneys, always hitting himself?
+Here's Lisa! She'll save the party! Honey, sit down... have a big slice of cake!
+What?! I'm not fat enough already? How could you say that to me?
+Lisa, wait...
+Hello? Hello? I had to leave 'cause my French bread pizza dinged! Hello?
+Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck ...
+Oh, what's the big deal? Bart didn't like his presents. So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts. Remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper? What was that? That was crap.
+It's not just the presents -- the kids don't appreciate me anymore. They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom.
+So they're growing up. Soon they'll be leaving the nest, and you'll have time for yourself. Hundreds of thousands of hours. And then, the peace of the grave.
+No! No, I've got a lot more mothering left in me!
+I'll be right here at three to pick you up, then I'll take you to the zoo! We can eat fries out of a safari hat!
+No thanks. I'm gonna stay in the library and do a little reading.
+Well, I guess it's just you and me, Bart!
+Mom, after that lame party you threw, I'd rather hang out with thunder-thighs here.
+They grow up so fast.
+They're just asserting their independence. If a child doesn't do it now, it may never happen.
+Seymour! Do you want your vitamin in applesauce, or are you gonna take it like a big boy?
+Applesauce.
+Oh sure, you love me now, but you'll turn.
+Stop struggling, and get in my mouth, jerks!
+Aren't you the boy who beats up my son?
+Prob'ly. What's your name?
+Those tadpoles are your lunch?
+Technically, brunch.
+Here, take this. My daughter didn't want the lunch I made.
+This sandwich rocks. My tadpoles seem crude by comparison.
+Haw haw. You're nocturnal.
+You don't have to impress me by making fun of others. I already like you.
+Haw haw. I'm starting to let down my guard. Haw haw.
+Thanks, Mrs. S. Today didn't totally suck nard.
+It's nice to be appreciated.
+Whatever. Take it sleazy.
+Nelson?!
+I thought you were sleeping in the park tonight.
+Oh that's okay, the kid don't bother me none.
+Hey Nelson, say hello to Moe. He said he'd take you campin' sometime.
+I said I might.
+Hey, kids, I just heard they cancelled league night down at the bowling alley. You know what that means -- open lanes!
+Whaddya say? It'll be BLAM! Bart, Lisa And Mom. Huh?
+Mom, when I want lame and needy, I'll call Milhouse. No offense.
+Fine! I'll take my mothering elsewhere.
+Great roll, Nelson! Here, I cut up your hot dog for you.
+Wow, hot dogs are awesome!
+You've never had one before?
+No, but I saw some in a catalog once -- people in sweaters were eating them at a picnic.
+So, my mom works at Hooters, but her dream is to go to Vegas and work in a real strip club.
+And uh, where's your Dad in all this?
+Could you gift-wrap them please? They're for my son.
+He went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. He said "smell ya later." But he never smelled me again.
+Nelson, how'd you like to earn some extra money around our house? I have some odd jobs my kids won't do.
+Yeah, I get the feeling Bart isn't everything he could be in the son department.
+Sometimes I think he's more interested in his "Itchy and Mitchy" cartoons than me.
+Hey, I'm sure it's just a phase -- like when I used to stand on the overpass and drop computers on the freeway.
+That's how we got our Kaypro!
+Sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six...
+Hey, Lisa.
+Are you counting how many days it takes to wash your big butt?
+I can't hear you.
+That's because your butt blocks your ears.
+That doesn't make any sense!
+Neither does your butt.
+I know this obsession with thinness is unhealthy and anti-feminist... but that's what a fat girl would say!
+Lis, look!
+Now, I know there's a handsome young man behind all that hair and dirt.
+Well, maybe not. But you did a great job on the lawn.
+Thanks, Dingus... I mean, ma'am.
+My mother... my bully... my God!
+Lisa, just take a bite. One bite -- that's all I ask!
+Now, I can't have toothpaste tonight.
+Here's the money you gave my son.
+We don't want your charity.
+I didn't give your son charity. I gave him self-respect.
+Self-respect, huh? No wonder he came home with his vest all buttoned. Like he was somebody.
+Go home to your son, Mrs. Muntz. And try not to have intercourse on the way!
+Nelson, what are you doing out this late?
+My mom ditched me! She went to Hollywood to be an actress. But her range is limited!
+She's still your mother. Come inside.
+Can I get you a glass of milk?
+Cow milk?!
+Uh-huh.
+What are you doing in my jammies?
+I'm your new roommate. I call top bunk.
+But it's a single bed.
+I said top bunk!
+Mom, the reason God invented deadbolts is to keep people like Nelson out of your house.
+Bart, have you ever eaten a Tootsie Pop? You know, there's a tough crunchy shell, but if you lick it, there's a delicious sweetness inside. Be nice to Nelson and I'll give you a Tootsie Pop.
+Morning losers. Mrs. Simpson. Pancakes, my favorite!
+Bart, eat up or you'll be late for school!
+I'm not hungry.
+You heard the lady! Clean your plate!
+Savor it! Let the flavors dance on your palate!
+Next on ABC, who's dropping by to see George Lopez? We pray it's you!
+Nelson, doesn't that hurt your teeth?
+My teeth hurt all the time. I just try to think about motorcycles.
+I don't like the sound of that. Tomorrow I'm taking you to Doctor Shapiro.
+A doctor for your teeth? What's next, a lawyer for your hair?
+PAPA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? / PAPA, CAN YOU SEE ME? / PAPA CAN YOU FIND ME IN THE NIGHT?
+PAPA ARE YOU NEAR ME? / PAPA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? / PAPA, CAN YOU HELP ME NOT BE FRIGHTENED? / LOOKING AT THE SKIES I SEEM TO SEE / A MILLION EYES WHICH ONES ARE YOURS?...
+I've gotta do something about him.
+This is the perfect test -- if I can have one dab of frosting and then stop, I'll know I've conquered food at last.
+That was too easy.
+Okay, if I stop here, I still have some dignity.
+Well, at least she's not singing Streisand.
+Hey Lis, still insecure about your body?
+Yeah, a little. Those mean girls just get to me.
+I understand. I have a sister... I think she's dead now... who had the same problem. And I know just the solution.
+Sherri. Terri. The only thing sweeter than you two are these stolen cookies. Enjoy.
+Thank you, Nelson.
+SHERRI SMELLS / TERRI SMELLS / STINKY ALL THE WAY / STINK, STINK, STINK, STINK, STINK, STINK / ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH
+Thank you, Nelson.
+He who haw haws last, haw haws best.
+I really appreciate you teaching those mean girls a lesson.
+Tomorrow I can bleach a swear word into their hair.
+I'd like that.
+Nelson?
+Poppa! You came back!
+I never meant to leave you, Nelson. But uh, something awful happened when I went to the store.
+Well, that explains a lot. Who's hungry?
+No! I want to hear what happened at the store!
+Well, I went in to buy cigarettes...
+I also bought myself a candy bar -- which uh, unfortunately was filled with peanuts, to which I am allergic.
+I ran outside just as the circus was rolling into town.
+...and that's where I found him.
+I brought him back here so he could take Nelson away and my bruises would heal.
+I want to give you a home again, son.
+And so do I.
+I got an acting job! From the third director I slept with! I play Lady MacBeth. I don't have to take my top off -- but I do anyway.
+Well, I'm glad everything worked out so well.
+Yep, the Muntzes are back in business.
+Yep, the four Muntzes!
+Thanks for finding my Dad, Bart. And thanks, lady, for making me feel good about myself.
+So, now that you're happy again, I guess you won't beat me up at school anymore.
+I wish it were that simple. I really do.
+They're a family again. And so are we. What happened?
+Sometimes you have to adopt your son's bully in order to bring your own family temporarily closer.
+And Lisa, what have you learned?
+Nothing. Like many women, I still have an unhealthy obsession with my weight.
+But talking about the problem is the first step towards the solution, right?
+I guess. But there's a long way to go.
+C'mon, say something conclusive.
+I'm afraid this is a very open-ended problem.
+Open-ended! C'mon, Lisa. Say everything's fine. Everything's fine.
+That was you.
+Prove it.
+C'mon, boy. Take your pill.
+Mom, the dog won't take his medicine!
+Perhaps if you wrap it in a slice of cheese.
+Woo hoo! Free cheese!
+Homer, that was for the dog.
+What's happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night. Then came the heart attacks.
+What's that rumble?
+It's a media circus!
+Woo hoo! The circus!
+A media circus.
+Woo hoo! I don't know the difference!
+ABC, CBS... uh-oh, the Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire!
+I'll get the spare.
+No. We must wait for God to jack us.
+In Springfield today, a sex scandal has brought in reporters from around the world. Why, here's Fox News!
+The cause of all this commotion is Mayor and suspected illegal immigrant Joe Quimby, named today in paternity suits by twenty-seven different women.
+Joe, why won't you acknowledge our love child?!
+Er, uh... that is not my baby.
+Er, ah, waaaaah!
+Raise this as your own.
+This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.
+The Juice is still on the loose.
+Mr. Mayor, just how many illegitimate children are you hiding?
+Kent, I'm hiding nothing -- except this puppy.
+Look into his eyes and tell me I'm lying.
+Well, I'm placated - and so are all my friends in the local media!
+I have a question. Chloe Talbot, Global News Network.
+Paris? Just like you always dreamed!
+Oh, it seems a big shot reporter from some major news outlet isn't satisfied.
+Well, if it isn't local news legend Kent Brockman. Hey Kent, run over any more pedestrians?
+Those records are sealed.
+She's from Springfield! I knew her in high school.
+I didn't think anyone successful came from Springfield.
+What about that two-headed goat?
+Technically he was born in Shelbyville.
+Yes, but he came here to die.
+One of you ate tin cans, one of you ate health food. How you solved crimes I'll never know.
+Mr. Mayor, you claim to be faithful to your wife, but I have obtained this exclusive video tape.
+C'mon baby, read my sash.
+You're the major?
+That's mayor, you fertile moron.
+Two things are certain -- the mayor is in deep trouble, and the local newsmen in this town are idiots.
+Channel Six News rocks! A car chase every night or the weathergirl wears a tube top. And if she doesn't, you win a pizza!
+Chloe sure turned out successful.
+You're successful too, Mom. You made a chore wheel that's both fair and wise.
+Marge! I figured out a way we can get in on this Quimby lawsuit! Bart, go ahead.
+Mayah Quimby is my er ah, fathah. Give me one million dollahs!
+Huh? Huh?
+Diamond Joe, gotta go! Diamond Joe, gotta go!
+Mr. Mayor, will you answer one question?
+Only if it's submitted in writing.
+Checkmate.
+Marge? Marge Simpson?
+Chloe, hi!
+Marge, where are you living now?
+Evergreen Terrace.
+Terrace. Evergreen Terrace. The street that smells like pee. This is my daughter, Lisa.
+Chloe, I really admire how you got out of Springfield and became such a success.
+Hey, only the lame-os stay. And your mother. Super lady.
+Well, it is good to see you, Chloe. Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow?
+Oh, I'd love to! I'm getting so sick of these greasy catered meals.
+You insult me, you insult Italy.
+Which is shaped like a boot?! Who knew?
+Homer Simpson.
+I sawed you on the television.
+I remember you from high school. You barfed in my tuba.
+I believe it was the school's tuba.
+Chloe, these kebabs you made are as good or better than anything I've ever had at this table.
+Oh Marge, I'm just being polite.
+Hm... My back pain's completely cured.
+That was one too man.
+I got the recipe for these in Istanbul.
+I was writing a story for Harper's Magazine.
+Harper's Magazine! I have a picture of Lewis Lapham on my binder.
+Oh, but I've been yapping about myself all night. Marge, what's exciting in your life lately?
+Well... Oh. We finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day. Turns out he had an impacted anal gland.
+The excitement never stops. Chloe, would you like to see slides of our trip to Athens... Boulevard Recreational Center?
+I'd love to... Ooh, my show's on. Mind if I watch a little?
+I guess.
+The Talbot Report with Chloe Talbot. Tonight, Chloe interviews Bob Dylan.
+So Bob, what religion are you converting to now?
+Followed by Chloe's triumphant return to her depressing little hometown: Springfield.
+Hello, Ned. Hey, Comic Book Guy, Krusty the Clown... I thought he was dead.
+Yeah? I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately.
+You know, Chloe, some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.
+Oh come on, Marge. The only reason we don't move out of this dunghill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet.
+I'm here! I'm here! Quit buggin' me!
+Homer, why do you always have to show that to company?
+It's a conversation starter!
+This is the dance the Chinese government makes dissidents perform before they shoot them.
+Homer, what are you doing?
+I swallowed a chicken bone.
+Chloe, you've lived so many fascinating places.
+Yes, but down deep in my heart, I'll always be the girl who wanted to leave Springfield.
+Gee, with all that travel, you probably haven't had much time to find that special someone.
+Oh, I've had a few flings. Excuse me. But not all of us can be as lucky as you, Marge - Homer's a wonderful man.
+Did you just swallow another bone?
+Same one.
+Chloe is amazing -- even her serving bowl smells glamorous.
+That's ridiculous. No one's bowl smells... it's like Christmas in Aspen.
+Did you know back in high school that she'd be such a star?
+Back then, we were both stars - in the thrill-a-minute world of high school journalism.
+Together we broke the biggest story of the semester -- one of the cafeteria workers was spitting in the soup.
+Miasmas!
+I'll teach you to give me my first job out of prison.
+When we published the story, we received the school's highest award.
+Ladies, it is my great pleasure to award you these certificates of merit. In this box marked "honoree," fill in your names. And over here, write in what you did.
+I'll be back. You ain't tasted the last of my spit.
+Oh, that Moe. But good for you, Mom! Why didn't you follow Chloe into journalism?
+Well, we both faced a tough decision...go off to journalism school, or stay in Springfield with our sweethearts?
+I love you, Chloe... and I love you too, brake fluid.
+Chloe left town as soon as Barney proposed. I would've followed her, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy... Bart, stop that!
+This isn't what it looks like.
+Why would Homer write his name in grime?
+That's better.
+Mom, Chloe just won the Peabody Award!
+Well, I just made the bathroom floor smell like lemons. Where's the award for that?
+Oh, Mom, don't feel bad. Everybody appreciates your... uh-oh, I'm late for my dinner... with Chloe!
+Good news, Marge!
+I've learned to walk naked on stilts!
+There's "Dan Rather" and "Tom Brokaw", hanging out with Kent Brockman!
+You want your mic back, local anchor?
+This just in - I'm pissed off!
+Hi, fellas!
+Chloe, wanna feel my muscle?
+Chloe has such an amazing life. I wonder what would have happened if I'd stuck with journalism.
+Oh Honey, her life can't compare to yours. You've got three kids, a TV tray from Expo sixty-seven, and you're married to King Stink!
+Yeah, I guess.
+Marge, listen to me. Chloe may have a flashy job, but you're the backbone of this family. You're like the electrical tape that holds the two halves of my car together.
+That's a sweet thought, Homie.
+I just hate to see you upset, honey. You know what would be a good name for Maggie? Chloe.
+That was such an exciting night. Morley Safer has the biggest head I've ever seen.
+I really had fun.
+It's gonna be a let-down going to school tomorrow. We have to make a pilgrim out of felt.
+Hey, I'm covering the U.N. Women's Conference in Capital City tomorrow. You want to come with me?
+Oh! That'd be wonderful! Oh I'd -- I'd have to ask my Mom.
+Well you can ask her right now. She's glaring at us from the front lawn.
+Marge, it's my fault we're a little late.
+How dare you show my daughter a life of fun and possibility?
+Hey! Keep your dishwashing hands off the Armani!
+For your information, our electric dishwasher is on the fritz.
+Not that you care about the ups and downs of my appliances. Do ya? Huh, do ya?
+Ohh, that's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy!
+I'm so sick of names!
+Ladies! There's no need to fight over me.
+No one's fighting over you!
+Oh. Well then, carry on.
+You don't know when to quit.
+SHINER BE GONE.
+Lisa, let me explain what happened tonight. Sometimes when your Mom has half a glass of wine, she goes cuckoo bananas.
+Hmmm. So... is it okay if I go to the women's conference with Chloe?
+Let me think about it. No.
+I've never disobeyed Mom before. Is this a step I'm really willing to take? I don't know. The more I think about it, the...
+Thinking is for losers!
+Bart! Thanks for helping me make up my mind.
+Thanks for cushioning my fall.
+I didn't cushion your...
+Chloe! I saw your report on Kuala Lumpur. Truly hard-hitting.
+Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate that.
+So, uh... you know I was wondering...
+Uh, would you like to come to my celebrity racquetball tournament?
+I'll have to check my schedule.
+I'll give you a first-round bye.
+Gotta go, Tom. I'll think about it.
+Lisa -- breakfast! I know you're mad at me, but I hope you're not mad at Cap'n Crunch...
+Homer, we've gotta get Lisa!
+All right. But while I'm gone, boy, you think about what you did.
+What did I do?
+You uh...
+Why you little... need a reason for strangling, do ya... I'll fix your wagon!
+Chloe! Forget about the women's conference! I need you to get over to Mount Springfield -- it's about to erupt!
+Don't we have a reporter who specializes in natural disasters?
+Yeah, he's busy covering Julia Roberts' last haircut. But seriously, he's dead. Now get going!
+Hey there! My name's Chet, I'm your cameraman for this here 'cano story. Let's see, I've been to Afghanistan, Serbia, Lebanon...
+Okay, okay I lied. I-I shoot wedding videos in Dallas-Ft. Worth.
+Okay, okay! Just Ft. Worth!
+Hello, U. N. Women's Conference!
+Wha--?!
+We're trapped!
+Lisa, we may not make it, but at least we can go out as the great journalists we are.
+I'm not a journalist.
+You are now.
+Remember to keep my boobs in the shot. And we're on in five, four, three...
+I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars!
+And I'm growing ashamed of my penis.
+Homer, look!
+I'm here at the long-dormant Springfield Volcano, which is now spewing noxious debris into the air.
+How male.
+With me is my eight-year-old cameragirl, Lisa Simpson.
+She's taken my daughter to an erupting volcano? That's it! She is off the Christmas card list.
+Marge, that's crazy talk. Now look, I'll save Lisa. Your place is here with the women.
+Okay, you go save Lisa. I'll stay here with the women.
+What do women want?!
+We've gotta go now!
+Okay. I'll run as fast as I can, but I'm full of potato salad.
+I'm sure you did. But still, don't you ever wonder what might have happened if things had gone differently?
+I'm sorry, folks. You're not allowed to go up there. In fact, I don't even know why I'm here. This lava's not a criminal. It hasn't hurt anybody.
+Anybody I know.
+Chief, my daughter's up there. You're a father too.
+Yeah, but I'm a cop first... then a boat enthusiast... amateur historian... yo-yo dieter... then I'm a cop again...
+Help... Help... So much sulfur dioxide!
+I'm coming, sweetheart!
+I'll save you, Lisa! Whoa.
+Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground!
+Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma.
+You're so smart, Chloe!
+Walter Cronkite told me the same thing.
+Shut up!
+Mom, that was incredible!
+Nothing's more powerful than a mother's love.
+Mom, your hair.
+Don't worry. We've got two hours before it burns down to my head.
+Our top story tonight... I'm about to die!
+Barney -- you saved my life.
+Chloe, when you left me I was devastated. But I sobered up long enough to become a pilot. And with you beside me, I think I could make it work.
+How 'bout a half hour of pity sex?
+Is there any other kind?
+In the wake of the devastating eruption, one Springfielder proved herself a hero: Marge Simpson. She's won herself a free hero... sandwich at Springfield Sub Shops.
+Extra charge for warm-ups!
+Mom, I wanna be just like you. I mean the lava part, not saving Lisa.
+Pretend to care!
+Well, looking at you kids, I know I made the right choice in life.
+This is Marge Simpson, reporting from Lake Placid where the miracle on ice never happened.
+Nooooo!
+Lisa, what are you doing in there?
+Praying to Buddha, Jesus, Sponge Bob. There's no time to be picky.
+Perhaps we should help.
+Screw her!
+MISS LUCY HAD A STEAMBOAT / THE STEAMBOAT HAD A BELL...
+MISS LUCY WENT TO HEAVEN AND THE STEAMBOAT WENT TO...
+... HELL-O OPERATOR...
+GET ME NUMBER NINE / AND IF YOU DISCONNECT ME / I'LL CHOP OFF YOUR BE...
+...HIND THE 'FRIDGERATOR...
+THERE WAS A PIECE OF GLASS / MISS LUCY SAT UPON IT / AND IT CUT HER BIG FAT...
+...ASK ME NO MORE QUESTIONS / I'LL TELL YOU NO MORE--
+Spitballs!
+I'm using your unfinished novel!
+You're in big trouble, mister. I'm bleeding!
+There's no cut on your cheek...
+Where'd the blood come from?
+Hey, I got a loose tooth.
+Eww, gross! I bet you can't twist it.
+Of course I can twist it, I'm great.
+This is my last baby tooth.
+That's the money tooth -- I heard the Tooth Fairy pays triple for it.
+Then let's hurry up and rip it out of my head.
+Help me, Romco Change Magician!
+Skinner! Your bus driver just totaled my Camry!
+Can I offer you the use of my Merkur?
+Filled with your Burger King cups and wrappers? No thank you.
+Lousy drawer... potato masher stuck in small spoon slot... what kind of madman would do that?
+Oh, Bart, honey I'm so sorry.
+No problem.
+No harm done.
+I wouldn't say that.
+Um-huh.
+God, please give your daughter the Tooth Fairy the strength to carry my cash, and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till.
+What the?!
+"The Tooth Fairy has made a donation in my name to the ­United Way"?! That gossamer witch.
+Maybe when the Tooth Fairy saw it was your last baby tooth, she realized you're not a little boy anymore. So she gave you a grown-up gift.
+I'm not gonna grow up!
+Oh yes you are. Why, in the right light, you're starting to get your own muzzle.
+I thought it was chocolate milk!
+Yeah, that's how it starts.
+I'm still a kid. And what do kids love? Kid stuff, like this.
+Vroom vroom. Vroom vroom... Vroom, vroom.
+What'cha realizing, jerk?
+That I'm not a kid anymore.
+That's harsh.
+I knew I was an adult the day the judge said "we're trying you as an adult."
+Well, there's one thing no one can take away: my childlike imagination.
+Sergeant Activity, your mission is to scale the icy walls of Mount Bloodkill!
+Must... defeat... Doctor Blizzard... and the Avalanche-oids.
+Lieutenant Adventure, what are you doing here?
+You're quite the daredevil, Sergeant Activity. It's high time you protected yourself with supplemental disability insurance.
+At my age, can I qualify?
+You'd be surprised -- if you're a nonsmoker, it can cost just a few dollars a month.
+What's happening to me? Maybe I'm not a kid anymore.
+Goodbye, Spirogram. Goodbye, Sketch 'n' Etch. Goodbye Ravenous Ravenous Rhinos, Duopoly, Parchoosey, Humor Putty and Sock 'em Knock 'em Cyborgs. Goodbye, childhood.
+Goodbye, friends.
+"So Eden sank to grief, / So dawn goes down to day, / Nothing gold can stay." Yarr.
+Hey, Sea Captain.
+Givin' your toys a Viking funeral, eh?
+I really don't want to talk about it.
+If you change your mind, I won't be farrr.
+Thanks, but--
+I've been told I'm a good listener. But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flatterin' ya. Yarr.
+He's gone. Darn it! I just want a friend who isn't a work friend.
+Bart, if you don't get up now, good luck getting a pancake. Dad's pulled his chair right up to the stove.
+Lis, I think I'm having a midlife crisis.
+If you're feeling depressed, do what I do and write something. A novel, a play...
+Or, I could write something that's not gay.
+Bart, someone wrote something cynical on your shirt!
+Um-hmm.
+Let me wash it off.
+Leave me alone -- this expresses my rage at the machine.
+Too much change around the house got you down?
+Well, I like T-shirts with a nice joke, like "support our troops."
+Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep On Truckin'". As if I would ever want to stop truckin'.
+I wish I had that shirt. It's clever, funny and would cover my boy boobs nicely.
+Bart, I need that shirt. I'll trade you Puppy Goo Goo for it.
+She still has a lot of her original strawberry scent.
+Forget it. My attitude isn't for sale! What am I saying? Of course it is!
+T-shirts! Get your sassy T-shirts! Fifty percent cotton, one hundred percent awesome!
+Daddy, can I buy this one?
+Let's see... "Get Bent." Well, the only thing that could mean is kneel down and pray. We'll take the whole box. Get bent, everyone!
+This could get me out of a lot of sticky situations. I'll take a dozen.
+Do you have a T-shirt with Calvin peeing on Hobbes?
+Well, what do ya got him peein' on?
+Well well well. Selling T-shirts without a permit.
+And it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out.
+Come on, Chief. I can't afford to pay protection to you and Nelson.
+Um-hmmm.
+Well then you're out of business. Let's go, boys -- confiscate his merchandise.
+Are any of those my size? Extra extra extra extra extra extra extra large.
+Here you go, Chief.
+"Proud Nubian Princess." Score!
+It's no fair -- I just started and I'm out of business.
+Why don't you go legit and sell your shirts in stores?
+But I'm just a kid.
+Yes... to my heart.
+You're a kid no longer, Bart. You've become a man.
+Hey, you're right, I am.
+And as an adult, you'll be needing comprehensive insurance.
+I'll just leave these brochures!
+So how can I get my shirts in stores?
+I bet you could find a distributor at the Springfield Novelty Expo.
+That's right -- it's tomorrow!
+Oh my God, it's a small retailer! He could make or break us!
+Mr. Retailer -- over here! Your customers will love these "Mood Lollipops!" Every lick reveals your mood!
+It works!... If blue is the color for unimpressed.
+T-shirts! Come order my homemade T-shirts. My Mom thinks they're good.
+Hey hey! Krusty Show T-shirts are made for kids, by kids! And we pass the slavings onto you!
+We've got all your favorite characters -- Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy.
+That sucked. Well, at least I've still got my health.
+Oh, my golly graciousness! Bad car! Apologize to the poor little boy.
+This shirt is humor-larious! Let's see what else you've got.
+Amazing! Trail-blazing! Insightful! Delightful! Hysterical! A miracle! The kids'll go cuckoo for these!
+The name's Goose Gladwell.
+Of Goose's Gags and Gifts?
+That's right! I've got twenty stores in thirty states. And I want to sell your shirts in most of them!
+You really think my shirts will sell?
+Abso-tively. Here, take my card.
+Sorry, that's my old number. Let me give you the new one.
+Darn. It's out of ink. But my phone number's on the pen. Oh, but it's my old phone number. I'll call you.
+I've been reading this magazine for years, but I never dreamed my son would be on the cover.
+It's Goose!
+Hello, Simpsons.
+You broke in!
+We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell.
+Yeah. Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.
+Bart, that's your share of the T-shirt profits so far.
+Look at all that cash.
+And now, it's time for me to leave.
+What a delightful sprite.
+Smithers! There seems to be some sort of communiqué on that man's blouse.
+I believe it says "Don't wake me, I'm working."
+Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism! Ripe for the quashing!
+You're suspended without pay! Take your clacking balls and go.
+And on your way out, remove all the fillings you got under our dental plan.
+You know what, Mr. Burns? I'm never comin' back. My son's making so much cash in the T-shirt game, that I don't have to work another day in my life -- assuming my health does not deteriorate as I age.
+Good riddance to bad blubber. Smithers, want to go get a cup of coffee?
+I just had one, sir.
+What the?! Why is everyone so insolent today?
+Well, today is Christmas, sir.
+I say when it's Christmas!
+The Change Magician will change your life... for the better! Results may vary. Machine does not actually sort change. Order today!
+Bart, can I ask you an important question?
+How much?
+Twenty-nine ninety-nine.
+Here's fifty.
+Woo hoo!
+That's your donut money too, mister!
+Lenny, Carl! How ya doin'?
+Hey, Homer, how's retirement?
+It's awesome. You know what I've gotten into? Sleeping 'til noon.
+Yeah, well, we'd better get goin'.
+Some of us have to get up for work tomorrow.
+Hey, just 'cause I'm not working doesn't mean I can't gripe like you guys. Don't you hate it when people steal your lunch out of the break-room fridge?
+Actually, that stopped after you left, Homer.
+Yeah. Well, enjoy the autumn of your years, jerk.
+Oh, I see what's goin' on. You can't stand to be around a guy who's got total financial independence.
+Your bill, sir.
+No problem. Bart, I need two hundred dollars.
+Dad, the bill's only a hundred.
+I broke some bathroom fixtures.
+Pathetic.
+I'm pathetic? Because I take money from my ten-year-old son? Well, let me tell you something: I still call the shots around here!
+Homer, use your inside voice.
+I don't have an inside voice!
+The wild Serengeti. Home of Africa's equivalent to the mountain lion -- the regular lion.
+These toothy Tarzan-munchers have a rigid hierarchy, with a single alpha-male ruling the pride.
+Until a younger, more aggressive lion challenges his power...
+The couch is like that tree!
+The displaced male has two choices: either, spend the rest of his days among the other broken-down old lions...
+All the good graves are taken.
+...or find inclusion in the tribe by caring for vulnerable young cubs.
+Lisa, basic cable said I should nurture you.
+Great! Will you play Malibu Stacy with me?
+Okay! You be the girl, and I'll be the car.
+Done and done. I'm going to the organic market!
+Screw the market, we're going to Mexico!
+Wheeee!
+It's El Flanderito! Run him down!
+I can't run, I'm wearing flip-flops!
+Hey, what's that dealy?
+It's my entry for the all-school science fair.
+It shows the history of nuclear physics, from Marie Curie's laboratory to a scale model of the first nuclear reactor.
+Oh, you'll win for sure. You and science go together like Lenny and Carl. The science is Carl.
+Oh, Lisa!
+I'd like to introduce you to the next winner of the science fair.
+Behold my project: "Childlike Humanoid Urban Muchacho," or CHUM!
+Don't hold my hand, it's creepy.
+Hush, my pet. Now let us gather our rosebuds while we may.
+A robot?! Last year the winner was a jar of owl pellets. I don't have a chance now.
+Honey, all you need's a little help from your dad. Remember, I did used to work at a science factory.
+Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.
+Sweetie, that's orphan talk.
+Did he have a passport?
+Stupid atomic pile. How hard could it be to build a reactor? Korea did it. And look at the quality of their animation.
+Hm... what to do, what to do?
+Hey, maybe the internet has the information I need! It certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement.
+www.nuclear-secrets.com.
+"Are you a terrorist?" No. "Would you like to meet someone special but are tired of the bar scene?" No. I will never tire of the bar scene!
+Let's see, I can make that... you can get that by smashing open a golf ball... that you can find in any player piano...
+All I need is some plutonium and I know just the place to get it.
+Dad?...
+Up-bup-bup-bup-bup, don't look!
+Dad, what did you do?
+Sweetie, your Daddy's gonna show you just how much he loves you. You know that non-functioning nuclear reactor you built?
+I juiced it up a little.
+Dad, that could explode!
+Oh, that's madiculous.
+That thing's gonna blow! Drop this toy and run!
+Mom! Dad built a device that would be deadly in the wrong hands! And he's holding it!
+Homer, I want you to get that gamma radiating what's-it out of my home!
+I never complain about your frilly pillows.
+How many T-shirts do you have here?
+Just one.
+It takes a Marine honor guard to fold it. It used to be a dust cover for a Hummer. I could go on and on.
+Gravies and Lentilmen, I have an exciting announcement: I have sold the rights to the Bart Simpson T-shirt line...
+...to the Disney Company, which will turn each one into a movie.
+Really? How much money do I get?
+You get nothing. In fact, thanks to my team of loopy lawyers...I never have to give you another penny. All you get is a very valuable lesson: never trust a weirdo. A-zoot!
+I'm stuck on a nail. God that's painful.
+I can't feel my
+What's the matter, boy?
+Goose Gladwell ripped me off and there's nothin' I can do about it. I'm just a stupid kid.
+Son, when you grew up, I grew down. But now I can see you need your Dad more than ever.
+And Homer, I can see you need me more than ever.
+Get back in the garage, old man.
+But there's spiders in the boxes.
+Stay out of my boxes!
+You give my son what he deserves, or I'll knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass!
+I must warn you, sir, I was a Green Beret in Vietnam.
+The things I saw there are what made me crazy.
+Sir, this is a class two plutonium fission reactor. If I turn this dial...
+The resulting blast would destroy the entire tri-city area, including that guy who sells those Blu-Blocker sunglasses people sometimes wear.
+Damn him to hell.
+You can't be serious.
+Are you prepared to take that chance?
+Okay, okay. Here's all the money I've got.
+Not so fast. I also want some dribble glasses, fake boobs, two of Bart's T-shirts, and that rapping toilet seat.
+Yo, yo, yo! Keep it on the low flow!
+I'm hangin' this over the mantel.
+Thanks, Dad.
+Well, I'm just glad we're back to me being the father and you being the son.
+Are you sure that thing could really explode?
+Oh, I doubt it. But we'll let the seagulls at the dump figure it out.
+There's more than one way to lose a tooth.
+Hey, idiot. You're fat, and your Mom's naked on the internet. You also smell.
+Hmmm. You've given me a lot to think about.
+I can't believe Mr. Burns reserved the entire museum just for an office party.
+It doesn't seem fair to the regular visitors.
+We drove eighteen hours to come here.
+On the plus side, this rope is mighty soft. Hm, touch it, kids.
+Par-ty! Par-ty! Par-ty!
+Homer, these are people you work with. Show some restraint.
+Re-straint! Re-straint! Re-straint!
+Lighten up, Marge. This is my chance to relax with people from work I never get to see. Like this guy.
+I'm your supervisor!
+Really? How'm I doin'?
+Well, well, if it isn't my favorite employee and his spouse. And these must be children. Have a ginger root.
+Mr. Burns acting nice? That's odd. He must be up to something.
+Lis, Mr. Burns is the sweetest, kindest man I know.
+How many men do you know?
+Basically him and Dad.
+Nice tux, Moe.
+Yeah thanks. I bought this for my funeral. It ain't got no back, so don't make me turn around.
+Hey, I'm payin' for a silk-lined coffin. And dammit, I'm gonna feel it!
+Since the dawn of aviation, man has built museums dedicated to the history of flight, and created audio-visual materials to orient visitors to those museums.
+From the hand-drawn flip book at the Wright Brothers' museum...
+To the IMAX movie at Cape Canaveral...
+Aviation museum audio-visual materials have taken patrons and docents alike on a rocket ride to comprehension. This is the story of those materials.
+Hey, it's a guy in a goofy Burns head!
+Act like Burns!
+That's him to a T!
+Here we have a vintage film of the original Springfield Wing Walkers, including our own Agnes Skinner.
+Wow, a wooden plane. It's about time trees were good for something, instead of just standing there like jerks.
+"The Plywood Pelican was larger than a football field. It weighs more than the state of New Hampshire. It was only flown once, by its creator, Mr. C. Montgomery Burns."
+I flew it at an altitude of six feet for a distance of four-and-a-half feet. Then we discovered rain makes it catch fire. Then the Führer fired me.
+What a magical party this has been. Mr. Burns is a great man.
+I've got a bad feeling about all of this.
+C'mon, Marge. This place is great. Free admission, great grub and we got to use the bathroom of the future.
+Homer, that was Apollo Twelve!
+Greetings, wage-donkeys. Is everyone happy and content?
+This is great!
+I would die for you!
+Is your sense of outrage dulled?
+Spill it, Super-boss!
+Very well... effective immediately the employee prescription drug program is terminated.
+In these days of rising health care costs... blah blah blah... lip service, lip service... get out.
+This must be the "nasty surprise" he mentioned in the invitation.
+No! / This sucks! / Get him!
+Fly, you fool!
+I tried to explain to you, sir, this thing has never actually worked.
+Smithers... you must believe!
+Next stop, Pirate Island!
+Well, that was a pretty good party. Do you think Carol from payroll and Mike from shipping are going to hook up?
+He's married.
+Change course! Carol must be warned!
+Now that Mr. Burns has eliminated the drug plan, we're gonna have to cut back on our diseases.
+I'll get a second job. One that pays well. You think those guys on "Friends" need another friend?
+That show's gone off the air.
+Dammit! I would've been perfect as Rachel's Irish cousin. So you're all doing each other, are ya? Well, who's going to put out for old Seamus?
+I need a new job that provides full health benefits.
+Uh-huh.
+-- as long as I only work five hours a day, no heavy lifting, no light clerical, none of that secret Santa crap, tasteful nudity...
+Uh, well let me see what I've got.
+You have defeated the doom-bot and sealed the portal. Phobos is safe.
+Phobos? That's a good job for me.
+Following the lead of Springfield Nuclear Power, other local companies are canceling their prescription drug plans... even here at Channel Six!
+Canadian?! Them's fightin' words! I mean, accurate words.
+Anything to declare?
+Now kids, I want you to go to your parents' medicine cabinet and find all the pills labeled Lithium Dibromide...and send them to me -- now! No one likes a bi-polar clown.
+To cope with the crisis, many consumers are turning to alternative forms of treatment.
+I've had to medicate Ralphie with stuff from the evidence locker.
+I'm cuckoo for contraband!
+Of course, this wouldn't be necessary if retail drug prices were reasonable. Dr. Julius Hibbert, do you agree?
+Possible side effects include dizziness and shortness of marriage. Damn!
+Well let me start out by saying that it is always a pleasure to sit down with a mother and a daughter who have snuck past security and burst into my office.
+I just don't see why one little pill should cost thirty dollars!
+Drugs aren't so expensive in other countries.
+In other countries families also lie on the floor and eat bugs.
+What countries are those?
+You ever been to Norway?
+Well they do it in Norway. And that's why I personally thank God we pay too much for drugs. I mean, uh, the right amount. I mean not enough. Here, watch this video.
+The mighty Amazon River. The natives had a word for it. Then we got rid of the natives and no one remembers that word. But, here are some words everyone remembers, by Huey Lewis and the News.
+All right, here's your medication.
+Wait a minute. This ain't no pill, it's a corn nut!
+I got a bottle cap.
+Mine flew away.
+I declare that you have the most beautiful brown eyes.
+Why I do believe you're smuggling... a heart as big as all outdoors. Now get in my country, ya big lug.
+Let me explain from behind this cage. Now, your pills have become very expensive, and no one gives a rat's ass about you. So after a lot of thought, we decided to let you go cold turkey. For those of you who survive the night, we'll be having waffles tomorrow.
+Ooh, waffles!
+I didn't die in World War Two just to be pushed around by some pill-hoarding hussy. I'm gonna fight this thing!
+He's crazy, but what are you gonna do? He's young.
+Well, the drug company won't do anything to help us.
+I've got the answer!
+Oh thank God it's the right place. I burst into four homes before this one.
+Now listen. All the drugs we want are right across the border. I have a friend who'll help us.
+The border, eh? Then I'd better sand off my fingerprints.
+I could just wear gloves. Nah, they're upstairs.
+Hola, Señor. We are gringos who wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.
+Splendid! Welcome to Canada.
+Okay Abe, here are your fake Canadian health care cards. Take them to any pharmacy and you'll get enough drugs to make Regina look like Saskatoon.
+/ That's a good one, Johnny.
+Thanks a million, Johnny. In appreciation I'd like to give you this DVD player.
+What the heck?! Where do you pour the syrup?
+I'd like some Vioxx, Cumadin, Albuterol, Prevacid and an auto-inflate blood pressure monitor C-cuff, with case.
+Anything you like, fellow Canadian.
+Drugs! Various drugs! Be sure to read instructions! Uh-oh! Where'd I put the instructions?
+So, who's next? I've got pills to make you sleep late, coagulate, eliminate and copulate. In that order.
+Grampa, we would like to thank you for all you have done for us. Please accept this "Operation Dumbo Drop" souvenir jacket.
+Look. They used the same "D" for "Dumbo" and "Drop". Unbelievably, only three were ever purchased.
+Marge? Bart? Lisa?
+A-lo-ha!
+Wow, this is just like Hawaii, but you don't get beaten up if you leave the hotel. What gives?
+We just wanted to thank you. Because of the Xanax, I'm not over-anxious about being a Simpson anymore. I am a little anxious about being on Xanax, but the Zoloft covers that nicely.
+My Dad, the drug mule.
+Oh man, I need something to settle my stomach.
+Oh wait. I was supposed to take these with food.
+Oh look, it is Mr. Homer, my favorite customer! Please feel free to paw through my Playdudes and tell me to go back to some country I am not actually from.
+Why the sweet talk, Apu? Are you after some cheap drugs?
+Please let me come on one of your smuggling runs! My eight babies are driving me crazy! With their coughing and sneezing and general oozing... my Janitor in a Drum is afraid to come out. What does that mean? I don't even know. That's the kind of bad joke I am making, I am so tired.
+Help me out, Homer. My little Roddy needs his insulin. Breaks my heart to watch him jones-diddly-ownsing.
+Flanders? I don't know... I mean, you haven't done anything for me since you lent me that five thousand bucks yesterday.
+I don't claim to be the perfect neighbor...
+Hold on. We're just innocent tourists.
+If you let us come, I will give you ten minutes alone with my Squishee machine, do what you will.
+No cameras?
+No cameras.
+Homer, tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me!
+I was just telling him how brave he is to worship a false god.
+I do not worship one god, okay? I worship a whole super-team of deities that-- Ow! Ow! Okay, he just pinched me!
+Well where's your super-team now?
+Listen you two, I'll tell you who the true God is if you're both quiet the rest of the trip!
+But the infinite beauty-- / But the Bible says--
+All right, I'm comin' back there.
+Save me, Shiva!
+Why don't you just call out for Hawk Man?
+Why don't you shut up?
+Well circle-cut my bacon! Look at all these Yankee-doodly-dandies! Is there another Vietnam going on?
+Hello, neighborino to the north. I sure like the cut of your gibberish.
+Say, would you like to puff on a reefer-ino? It's legal here!
+They warned me Satan would be attractive. Let's go.
+Anyone want some coffee for the ride back?
+Not that convenience store crap, is it? Because I don't feed that to my dogs.
+No, no, it's home-brewed.
+Careful, it's hotter than a Fox News weather skank.
+Oh, my, hot, hot, hot la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
+Here, let me wrap this wet towel around your head to cool you off.
+La la la la la la la!
+Stop him! He's expressing his faith, eh!
+La la la la la la la la la!
+I took another sip.
+Today Mounties busted a major American drug smuggling ring. Former U.S. astronaut Homer Simpson was taken into custody.
+My butt looks so huge during perp walks.
+We've confiscated your car and its contents.
+Nous avons confisqué votre voiture et ses contenus.
+You may leave Canada, but never return.
+Vous êtes permis de quitter le Canada, mais vous n'avez pas le droit de rentrer.
+I am a big fat French idiot.
+Je suis un grand gros... hey!
+No more drugs. We let everyone down.
+Your jacket, señor.
+Thank God we did not stitch your name over the breast.
+Dad, you tried your best. For the first time in my life I can say, without being drunk, that I truly admire you.
+No drinking in public!
+Hey, where'd it go? Oh, well.
+Oh, there's nothing like canceling an employee drug plan to make one feel so at peace with the universe.
+I agree, sir.
+Shut up.
+I'm so sick of you, Smithers. Your toadying, your complete agreeability, your gasping on the floor... Wha?!
+Smithers! If this is some sort of hijink, stop it immediately.
+Sir, my thyroid is swelling up.
+Confound it, man! I need your throat clear and ready for perjury.
+When you canceled the drug plan, I couldn't afford my Thyroxin any more. But before I die, there are words I've always longed to say. Sir, I .
+Homer, are you sure you can fly this thing?
+Fear not, Smithers. I'll move Heaven and Earth to save you! It's still easier than teaching a new assistant my filing system.
+I just wish we could make one last big score. But we could never drive past the border patrol.
+There are other ways to get into Canada...
+That's it, a plane!
+Smuggle drugs in a plane? That'll never work!
+Sure it will. All we need is a pilot!
+I've got everything you need.
+Katharine Hepburn?!
+No, you fool. 'Tis I, Burns! Now come with me.
+At last, my plane shall be used for its original purpose. To subvert the laws of the United States.
+Looks like your plane's pretty full, Abe. Don't wanna overload it.
+Typical Canadian wimpiness. That's why you have snowballs and we have the H bomb.
+We really appreciate your help, Johnny. Is there any way we can repay ya?
+Well, I've always wanted to see a man with the I.Q. of a child executed by the state. We don't get that up here.
+Really? In America we do it four times a week. You come on down and I'll get us front row seats.
+I'd like that.
+We're losing altitude. Time to dump all unnecessary weight.
+Don't dump me out! I can lose weight! Just give me a chance.
+One... two... Eh, I'd rather die.
+It's no use. We've got to make an emergency landing.
+Well, at least we're all in this together.
+Now, we have three parachutes.
+This one's for me...
+And these two are gifts for my nephews. Tally ho!
+We'll make it, Dad. On a wing and a prayer.
+Dammit.
+All right, you're under arrest.
+On what charge?
+Making a Police Chief go .
+Get in the car -- and don't touch those guns, I just loaded 'em.
+You'll have to arrest me too. Abe Simpson brought the Propecia to keep grass on Willie's field.
+He cured my lumbago. Thank you.
+My diaper rash.
+My Glayvinoids are not so hurtful!
+Thanks to his lactose-intolerance pills, I can drink this Krusty-brand milkshake.
+Terrible!
+Well Simpson, you have helped a lot of people... So, like it says in the Springfield Police handbook, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
+Uh Chief, you know, I've been checkin' the handbook. A lot of the things you say aren't in there at all.
+Yeah well look a little closer, Lou.
+Oh I hope I'm not too late.
+Take, potion! Hurry!
+Oh, it's not working. Only my sour, curdled breath will quicken him.
+Sir, you saved my life!
+Yes. Smithers, I was a stingy old fool. But from now on, I'll provide drug benefits to all my full-time employees.
+Great news, honey! Burns made me a freelance consultant!
+Hey, what's this lump?
+Now, before we eat, let's remember what we're celebrating today -- after many years of hard work, your father finally paid off the mortgage.
+See you in Hell, document!
+All right, Dad!
+Way to build equity!
+Now remember to eat smart, people. Go for the fancy foods -- don't let 'em fill you up with THAT cheap stuff.
+A roll, sir?
+Screw you.
+Oatmeal?
+Smoked salmon... Shrimp... Crab legs!
+I win...
+Thinner... thinner... thinner... thinner... too thin.
+Better luck next time, "Tommy - Virginia Beach."
+You ate meat! You ate meat!
+You ate fruit! You ate fruit!
+Stow it, you two!
+Stop making a scene!
+How rude! What do I have to do to enjoy a Sunday brunch with my secret other family?
+I've never been so embarrassed. And the worst part is, this is brunch so you've ruined two meals! I'll see you all at lupper!
+Why did I ever have kids? I could have written symphonies, or been Shakespeare.
+Here, Homer. Have a big frosty mug of Fuhgetaboutit.
+I wouldn't drink that. From the looks of this place, it might kill you.
+Oh, who are you, the health inspector?
+My God, look at this filth. I oughta close this dump down for good!
+But then where would I go to get away from my wife! C'mere, Moe, you beautiful, hideous troll!
+Guys, this is Frankie from the Health Department. We go way back. Lenny, you don't have to hide that rat.
+Off you go, little fella.
+When we were kids, our dads used to get drunk and make us fight each other.
+My Pop would buy me a malted for every tooth of Moe's I knocked out.
+That time you blinded me, he gave you a bike. That sure was a good soundin' bike...
+Well, now to give this place a "thorough inspection."
+Free from infestation, check... Sanitary utensils...
+Check. Food hygienically stored -- only one way to find out.
+Oh my God, he's dead.
+Okay, which one of you guys parked in front of the hydrant?
+Uh, look, I didn't see nothin' here, okay? Just a bunch of innocent guys, sitting around, none of them dead. Buy yourselves a nice dinner.
+Uh-huh... Uh-huh...
+So, uh, Mr. New Guy. Whaddya think? Is everything... hunky dory there?
+Mr. Szyslak, your tavern is rife with Health Code violations.
+You gotta be kiddin' me. Like what?
+For starters, the body of my predecessor is still on the floor.
+Oh yeah. Uh well, ya see, uh trash day ain't 'til Wednesday...
+Chicken skins in soap dispenser... cigarette butts in the air... toilet on the roof... I'm shutting you down till you fix these violations.
+Oh man, I can't afford to fix all that stuff.
+Aw, nuts. If anybody needs me, I'll be in the john.
+O DANNY BOY, THE PIPES THE PIPES ARE CALLING / FROM GLEN TO GLEN AND DOWN THE MOUNTAIN SIDE / THE SUMMER'S GONE AND ALL THE ROSES FALLING / 'TIS YOU, 'TIS YOU MUST GO, AND I MUST BIDE.
+Moe's, a tribute. "M" is for Moe, the owner of Moe's. "O" is for the "O" in the middle of Moe's. "E" is for acceptance. The feeling I always got here at Moe's. Oh Moe, don't let 'em close you down!
+It's too late -- I don't got the cash to clean up the bar. From now on, you guys are gonna hafta do your drinking across the street.
+Hey, a beer's a beer.
+I can't go to a gay bar, I'm too fat! Moe, I'm gonna help you reopen your bar no matter what it takes.
+Mr. Simpson, for a loan this big, you'll have to put up your house as collateral.
+... Marge?
+Put up my house? But I just paid it off... what would Marge say?
+Do whatever you have to do to save Moe's. I love my Homie.
+Okay honey, I'll do it.
+What's going on here?
+Nutin'. Nutin'.
+Thanks, Homer. No one's ever trusted me before -- except for that one guy who shouldn't have.
+That was me.
+Oh yeah.
+Homer, those kookoo-birds at the bank goofed up and sent us a mortgage statement.
+Marge! How dare you open a letter addressed to both of us?
+M631700000642J?! This is a new loan tracking number -- you got a new mortgage?
+I had to! Or Moe's would stay closed forever!
+You gave the money to Moe? How's he gonna pay us back?
+Look, look. I can see you're upset. If you need me, I'll be at Moe's.
+Well, maybe I'll go to Moe's too, seeing as I'm now part owner.
+Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?
+I would like it. You never come to my mother's.
+That's because I hate her.
+Until you pay us back, you're answering to me! And there's gonna be big changes.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, now wait just a minute. One thing Moe Szyslak has never had is a partner. Nor a wife, a friend, a chum, a casual acquaintance, a pen pal, a parrot, a meaningful conversation, a brief hug or eye contact.
+I'm just going to call the suicide hotline now. And they've blocked my number! Oh God!
+Just made it!
+Quittin' time!
+Boy, I can't wait to get my lips around an ice cold...
+I'm here protecting our investment. I'd like you to go home and make dinner for the kids.
+But I don't wanna take care of the kids... Um... how many cigars are they allowed to have? Bart sleeps in the microwave, right?
+Quit playing dumb.
+How many magic beans should I sell the baby for? Three? Duh, der, duh. That's me, jerk-ass Homer. Duh, der, doy.
+Come on, go home.
+Maybe some cheerier paint would make this place less of a "dive."
+Marge, my customers don't like themselves. Therefore, they seek the darkness.
+Well... as fabulous as your regulars are, a remodel might bring in a higher class of lush.
+Look, I like Moe's the way it is, all right? And I ain't changin' it for any dame, skirt, Susie-Q, or face-macer.
+I had a feeling you'd say that. So I prepared something that might help you "change your tune."
+THIS PLACE IS A DIAMOND / BUT IT'S TRAPPED IN THE ROUGH
+YEAH WELL THE SIGN STILL SAYS "MOE'S" / SO ENOUGH OF YOUR GUFF
+HERE'S MY NEW IDEA TO SELL BOTH BEER AND GRUB / WE WILL TURN THIS FILTHY DIVE INTO A PROPER OLD-TIME BRITISH PUB!
+A British whaaa?
+DARTS AND MEATPIES, AND LAGER IN PINT GLASSES
+WHAT A CLASSY WAY TO GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASSES
+Hey, hold the phone. An English Pub, that just might work.
+IN SO-NG!
+Uh... MY BAR COULD BE BRITISH / INSTEAD OF ARM-PITTISH / SO WHY DON'T WE ALL Eh, screw it.
+Let's get renovatin'.
+Well, I was thinking more like drapes and a paint job, but your idea's good too.
+Thanks.
+Pint of ale, my dear?
+Well thank you, your honor. You know, you're kind of sexy.
+That's a deliberate mis-statement of fact. But I'll allow it.
+My first credit card! Wow, the numbers are all bumpy-like.
+So, Mr. Boswell. What do you think of the new Moe's?
+Marge Simpson and Moe Szyslak, here's a mash note to your bangers: I wish you could live in me forever!
+Thanks, Freakazoid. I'd just like to say that there's one person to whom I really owe my newfound success: Marge Simpson.
+Thanks, Moe.
+Dad, Mom's spending more time at Moe's than you are.
+And they seem awfully chummy.
+Just what are you inferring?
+I'm not inferring anything. You infer. I imply.
+Whew, that's a relief!
+Boy, what a night! Moe showed me how to give someone the bum's rush. Here, watch.
+Get lost, rummy!
+Ah yes, Detroit-style. Very nice. So, you've been at Moe's every night this week.
+I know, I used to think of Moe as a scabby, dead-eyed hunchback. But now that I've gotten to know him, we kind of bonded.
+Bonded?! How many times?
+Homer, Moe and I are just work friends. You and I are... marriage friends.
+Thanks, honey. My mind is completely at ease.
+Hey, it's me.
+Moe? What's up, partner?
+Marge, sorry to call you so late but I had a great idea: put cutesy signs outside the restrooms that say "dukes" and "dames" instead of the ones we have now that say "standups" and "sitdowns." Huh? Tell me honestly, what do you think?
+Ooh, that's a great idea.
+Thanks! Wait, are you sure I'm not interruptin' anything?
+Of course not! I'm in bed with Homer!
+Hey, also, I wanna....
+Well, I might as well use this pucker for something.
+Coming this summer from Dreamworks:
+Fifty-two jokers playing the game of their lives.
+I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven!
+Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you.
+With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs.
+You don't understand, officer. I thought that king was a queen.
+This summer, the house is full and the deuces are wild! In "Cards"!
+Hey, Jack. Got any twos?
+You can't handle the twos!
+Oh Marge, don't you love it when our hands meet in the popcorn tub?
+Mm-hmm.
+Hey, Marge!
+Howdy, partner! Why don't you sit next to us?
+Hey Moe... haven't seen you in a while.
+Uh yeah, how ya doin' there, Homer? Did you ever pass that G.I. Joe you swallowed?
+How do you know about that?
+Oh, Marge told me. We share everything.
+You do?
+Homer, can you hold my wedding ring for a second? My finger's itchy.
+Somethin' wrong, Homer?
+Well... I'm worried about Marge and Moe. They've developed an intimate bond of thoughts and feelings completely separate from me. But it's not physical. So everything's great, right?
+Homer, it's time you learned the sad truth.
+Can I learn it at a happy place?
+Moe and Marge are having an "emotional affair."
+Although there's no physical intimacy, there's a deep spiritual connection that threatens to destroy your marriage.
+What do I do?
+Engage her feelings, become her friend... ooh, get her a Life Magazine from the week she was born. I'll always treasure mine.
+You're absolutely right! Stop this ride!
+You're the boss!
+I wanna go again, Daddy! Daddy?
+Marge, my darling! Thank God you're home! I've been dying to hear your feelings!
+Oh, I'm too tired to talk.
+Well, I can go all night, baby. I could listen to you two, maybe three, times.
+Homie, I'm tired. I have to get up early to catch my flight.
+Catch your flight?
+Moe and I are going to the Tavern and Restaurant Owners Convention in Aruba this weekend. Don't you ever listen to me? I told you ten times.
+Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold!
+What's a cuckold?
+Where's Mom going with Uncle Moe?
+He's only your emotional uncle! I'm your real uncle!
+Well, if Hollywood movies have taught us anything, it's that troubled relationships can be completely patched up by a mad dash to the airport.
+I'm off!
+Folks, welcome to No Frills Airlines flight to Aruba.
+Safety Instructions are two dollars. If you require wheelchair assistance, you picked the wrong airline. Ha, ha.
+Uh you know, Marge, I've really enjoyed you workin' at the bar.
+Me too, Moe. What a nice surprise that we've become friends.
+Yeah. Oh Marge, I'm so in love with you. And tonight, after some surf 'n' turf and a bottle of champagne, maybe some Snickers pie, I'll explain how the hotel made a little "mistake" and we gotta stay in the same room. oh yeah.
+Moe, your upper lip is trembling.
+Oh, I'm just excited because they're showin' an episode of "Boy Meets World" on this flight. Oh no, wait. That's only on flights from Europe. We just get that little plane.
+Hey wait a minute, what the Hell is that?
+Hang on, Marge, Homie's comin'! I won't let that man make you happy!
+Simpson, you were going a hundred in a twenty-five zone. And you're not gonna flirt your way outta this one.
+But I have to get to the airport to save my marriage!
+Really? Well, why didn't you say so? Let's roll!
+You didn't work this hard to save my marriage.
+Wake up, Lou. She was way outta your league.
+Flight attendants prepare for take-off.
+Time for some shuba-duba in Aruba.
+Oh my God!
+Moe, did you see something troubling on the tarmac?
+No, why you say that?
+You gotta get me closer, Chief!
+Anything for love!
+Okay, time to chase this pig into the sty. Uh Marge, you deserve a man who listens to you. Who respects you. Who understands what a treasure you really are.
+I don't know what to say.
+Just say you love me, Marge. Love me like I love you. Please?
+That sounds like Homer.
+No-it-isn't-I-don't-hear-nothin'-you're-crazy-get-outta-here-will-you-marry-me?
+Homer! How'd you get in here?
+Toilet hole.
+You leave my wife alone!
+You don't deserve her! You know nothin' about Marge -- what's her favorite food?
+Uh... ice?
+Wrong. It's buttered noodles.
+He's right.
+Oh, it's true. I don't know Marge at all. I'll just go home now.
+Shut it! Shut it!
+Moe, you've won. I'll see you at baggage claim.
+Hot damn, I won! Marge, I swear I'll be the best man you ever had. It's gonna be all flowers and back rubs and how-was-your-day dear and--
+Moe! No I don't love you. And I'm certainly not going to leave my husband.
+You mean I listened to all your touchy-feely yip-yap for nothin'?
+I'm afraid so.
+At least I had a couple sips from your coke when you went to the bathroom.
+Homie...
+Marge, I just wanna say: if you ever feel like cheating on Moe, here's my card.
+Homer, I made a vow on our wedding day, to stay by you -- for better or worse. And besides... I love you. You're my Homie-womie-romie-domie...
+And you're my Margie-wargie-bargie-fargie-gargie-margie-targie-glargie.
+I may have dodged a bullet here.
+Might as well face it, I'll never find anyone. Come on tide -- take me with ya. I just don't wanna feel no more pain.
+Moe, I need to tell you something.
+You showed me you could be a really sweet guy. You can make a woman very happy some day.
+Wow. For realsies?
+It's true. You'd be quite a catch... if you'd just shower and shave and stop swearing under your breath.
+Thanks, Marge... Know-it-all bitch. Oh, uh, did I mention there was a mistake at the front desk?
+Really? Is it one that will change the sleeping arrangements?
+Could be. Could be.
+Listen, I gotta tell ya, I chew in my sleep.
+Yeah well, I sweat blood.
+Goodnight, both of you.
+Who's watching the kids?
+Are you sure Mom and Dad want us to enter a European balloon race?
+Sure, why not.
+LOVE LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER
+THINK OF ME BABE WHENEVER / SOME SWEET TALKING GUY IN A THONG / HANDS YOU A BONG / DON'T TAKE...
+YOU BETTER BE STRONG
+YOU'D BETTER STOP
+'CAUSE I WANT A SANDWICH
+I SAID STOP
+OR MAYBE A MANWICH...
+I used to love Springfield Park, but it's gotten so run down.
+Oh, the prid is gone.
+This whole place is disgusting!
+I agree. Hey! Aren't you that crazy Cat Lady?
+Yes I am. But thanks to this psychoactive medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
+Those are just Reese's Pieces.
+I know how to save this park -- I'm gonna organize a charity carnival!
+Uh, Mom? Looks like someone beat you to it.
+God, that Junior League burns me up.
+Step right up, and bid on items donated by local businesses!
+Oh, I've only got a hundred dollars. I'd better bid shrewdly.
+First up is this video camera.
+One hundred dollars!
+One hundred dollars and fifty cents!
+Dammit! I never win anything! Ooh, here's something I'm good at.
+Check it out, Fat-wad! I'm better than you, and I'm only ten!
+Fat wad! I love it!
+Easy... gentle...
+Ay carumba!
+Me too. Here's some guy's wallet.
+I'm number one! I beat my son! Victory is mine, so kiss my behind!
+Boon chacalacala / / In your face! / My son flips frogs like a girl, yeah! A-boom! A-ba! A who's your daddy?
+Hey Homer, do fries come with that shake?
+Sure do.
+I'm happy!
+He makes me look cool. And cool, I am not.
+May I upload your footage onto my website?
+Well sir, I don't believe we've ever met.
+My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.
+Well, I'll just call you friend. Here's your tape... friend.
+What should we click on next? "Boxer Shot By Wife?" "Beauty Pageant Diarrhea?"
+Here's a new one: "Big-Ass Baryshnikov."
+Now to send this spaz around the world.
+Stupid internet... whole world laughing at me...
+Look at the American computer monkey! Dance-a, monkey, dance!
+Basta, basta! Take-a my picture with the internet marmaluke-a!
+The internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!
+Hello. I'm Deion Overstreet.
+The running back for the San Antonio Cow Skulls?!
+Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP and star of a Disney Channel movie. I played the gentle giant, "Stay-off-drugs-ia".
+I know why you're here. You wanna see me humiliate myself with my stupid dance. Well fine.
+I wanna buy the rights to that dance for a thousand dollars!
+Woo hoo! But why?
+My workman-like touchdowns never make the highlight reel. But if I add your shameless shenanigans, I'll be on ESPN every night!
+You wanna do my dance after you score?
+You damn straight. And I'll buy any other dances you got too.
+Woo-hoo!
+I'll show myself out.
+"L" is for "loser," which describes you, sir. Don't try to stop me. Just enjoy the view, sir.
+"The view, sir." Then show ass. Got it.
+Honey, I bet you're wondering why Daddy's not at work again. The answer may surprise you. I have a new job choreographing end zone dances for a professional football player.
+Looks like all you're teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship.
+Don't forget showboating. That's the cornerstone of my "Pyramid of Success."
+Ooh, I forgot crotch grabbing. That'll be the sun.
+Grandpa, will you take me fishin'?
+Sorry, Jimmy -- your Grandma and I are going to go have old-people sex. Thank you, Jammitin!
+There's nothing but filth on TV. But with this new video camera, we can make our own entertainment!
+Now boys, we're gonna film the world's first and some would say best murder mystery -- the story of Cain and Abel!
+Daddy, if Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve's only children, how did they make more babies?
+Did they make babies with their Mother? Or with each other?
+Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy! Now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother!
+After you prance across the goal line, you hurl the other team's mascot to the ground, and drive your cleats into his neck!
+You're goin' down, you potato-eatin' pansy!
+Homer, are you sure we aren't crossin' the line here? I happen to know that the person inside that leprechaun suit is a single mother.
+Deion, this is Timmy Thomas. He has Timmy Thomas disease.
+Mr. Overstweet, could you do an obnoxious end zone dance for me today? Pwease?
+How do you like me now?
+Y'ello.
+Homer, this is LeBron James. The fans love my dunks, but they hate my dancin'.
+I think I can fit you in. Let's see...
+Lenny, can I move you from Wednesday at noon to Sunday at six?
+Homer, you know that's when I play with neighborhood dogs!
+All right, all right, I'll work it out.
+Aw, you guys are what it's all about.
+Reverend, thanks for turnin' the church into a He-without-cineplex.
+What the... oh, I get it.
+Boys, I just talked to God. He's vacuuming Heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up. And He'd like you both to render a sacrifice.
+I shall sacrifice my finest grains, and livestock!
+Behold, I have found favor with the Lord.
+So shall my knife find favor with thy belly!
+Now I must bury my son, while you wander the earth forever, with the mark of evil upon your face.
+Ned, your film was a masterpiece! It turned me from an atheist to a hurray-theist!
+Sir, you have revealed to me a world of faith, beyond the world of science. I would pay to see it again and again, and again, and again, but not six times.
+I also would pay to see it again.
+I am that guy!
+Smithers, we could make a fortune with these Bible pictures. And I've been looking for a way to launder the money I made selling club soda as flu vaccine.
+Everyone seemed so happy, but I'm surprised at Ned. He left out all the good times Cain and Abel had when they were growing up.
+He's just being true to the Bible, which is pretty violent.
+And sexy. King David stole someone else's wife... Mary Magdalene was a hooker...
+Bart! How do you know these things?
+It's all in this book.
+Welcome to the "Homer Simpson Showboating Academy."
+Today we're working on poor sportsmanship.
+First, I want you to hurl a ball at the nearest authority figure.
+Nicely done.
+Oh my God! It's my hero, Michelle Kwan!
+You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.
+I didn't know you could talk!
+Lisa, could you pass the salad?
+And it's James with the steal!
+Who wants to help me clear the table?
+Dui bu qi, dan shi wo ting bu dong ying wen.
+Wait a second - I've read that you speak excellent English.
+Shut up, kid. I got a good thing going here.
+Oh my. Ned's next movie seems even bloodier than the last one.
+Now, there's no need to actually whip 'em. We can put the sound in later.
+No! As your financial backer, I insist upon reality. Pharaoh didn't put the sound in later!
+But who'd know the difference?
+The people being whipped!
+Hey, Lovejoy, you could take a lesson from Flanders -- y'know, inject your services with a little razzle-dazzle.
+I already do -- if by "razzle" you mean piety, and by "dazzle" you mean scriptural accuracy.
+What a tool.
+I'm richer than you!
+Look out, Jonah! It's a whale!
+Jonah! Jonah! JONAH!
+The only just solution is to cut the baby in half.
+Wait a minute... I killed a baby. I'm a monster!
+I can't take any more!
+Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.
+Oh, I-I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school, or the latest sexcapade of Miss Ashley Judd!
+Well, I don't like this movie. And I'm going to boycott your financier... Mr. Burns.
+Oh really? And what will you use instead of nuclear power?
+Hydro-electric.
+A mix of conservation and wind.
+Who told you about those?
+A talking tree in a commercial.
+Well, I know when I've been licked. Sorry, Ned. This movie will never be seen again.
+Dis-embroider the crew jackets. We can still send them back.
+Welcome to Jock Center! Tonight, the Clipper and the Stripper, a Jones that's Chipper, and did Joe Torre shoot Flipper?
+But first, the world of sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
+This is either about me, or steroids.
+Thanks to professional jerk-ass Homer Simpson, athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel. Disgusting. Now, here's our highlight reel!
+Art comes from pain.
+Your pain.
+Beware the wrath of Kwan!
+Everyone sucks but me! Oh yeah, cheer for Tom... Give all your love to Tom...
+I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.
+Master, you are truly a fool.
+Homer Simpson, we work for the Commissioner of Football. And he wants to see you.
+I wanna see him too. Maybe he can tell me how to get this off.
+It soaked through to the other side!
+The commissioner's in here, with all the owners.
+Homer, we think you're fabulous! Since the players began your rowdy rump-shaking, our ratings are up sixty-two per cent.
+Plus we're making millions in player fines! Which I'm gonna use to bankroll a musical about The J. Geils Band!
+That's right, J. Geils!
+Here's why we called you in: we want you to produce this year's Super Bowl halftime show!
+Wow. At last, my pathetic little life has a meaning. You suckers, I would have done it for free!
+Fine. Do it for free.
+Dammit! Well, I'll still do it. You suckers, I would have paid you.
+Fine. Pay us.
+Dammit! Will you take a check?
+Dammit!
+The Super Bowl half-time show. From its humble origins in Super Bowl One...
+To the marriage of Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man in Super Bowl Sixteen...
+I now pronounce you Pac Man and Wife.
+Every single Super Bowl halftime show has been great.
+Oh Homie, don't worry. I'm sure you'll come up with a great idea.
+I don't know. It's a lot of pressure. Do many people watch the Super Bowl?
+Billions!
+We're ready for rehearsal, Mr. Simpson. So, what do we do?
+Uh... uh... Oh man, I have no idea what I'm going.
+I wonder if other Super Bowl producers waited until three in the morning the night before to plan their halftime shows.
+A church! Maybe the homeless people sleeping on the floor will have some ideas.
+Flanders. Eh, I guess you've got some late night problems too.
+Yeah. I made a great film, but I'm havin' trouble gettin' it out there. I'm like Michael Moore, except I'm skinny, my jeans are washed, and God loves me. I just wish I could find some way to spread my message.
+Have you tried checking the oil filter?
+Are you even listening to me?!
+Sure, I'd be happy to tell you my problem. I've got a venue the whole world will be watching, and nothing to fill it with.
+Wait a minute -- you've got a medium and I've got a message. Maybe God brought us together for a reason.
+Yeah... you help me, and I, in turn, am helped by you.
+And so ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the start of Super Bowl XXXIX! This brand new three hundred-million dollar stadium was completed just one short week ago, and is scheduled for demolition early next month. America's priorities are a joke. Now, here's the kickoff!
+Wow, all these people are gonna see Dad's show.
+I paid a thousand dollars for this seat, and I can't even see the game!
+Just poke through.
+And that's the gun! We head into halftime with the thrilling score of 55 to 6. But don't stop watching -- in the second half, points count double! And now the eagerly awaited Super Bowl halftime show sponsored by the new Ford pick-ups, Citibank and Moe's Tavern.
+How did you afford this?
+I hustled a lot of pool.
+Hey, ya wanna play? I gotta warn ya... I ain't that good.
+All right... sucker.
+Who's the sucker now? Huh?
+Time for Homer's half-time show. Get ready, Frank.
+Frank went to the men's room. I'm Joe.
+We now take you back through the ages, to a time before TV, before cowboys, before dinosaurs. The time of the Bible!
+The children of God once lived according to their Father's laws.
+But then a shadow of wickedness fell across the land, as represented by this cloud of white pesticide!
+But there was one righteous man: Noah!
+Oh mighty God, send a flood to destroy this wickedness.
+Hey, do you guys think Homer's mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot, and he stared right through me.
+I left the People's Republic for this?!
+Yo, Michelle. You got a boyfriend?
+Not in here, I don't.
+After forty days and forty nights, the rains stopped, and Noah sent forth a single dove...
+"So God blessed Noah and his sons, and said to them... Never again shall there be a flood to destroy the Earth. I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between God and man." Thank you.
+Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
+All over America today, viewers were outraged by the Super Bowl halftime show's blatant display of religion and decency.
+You try to raise your kids as secular humanists, but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats!
+Mommy, why wasn't I baptized?
+You see? You see?
+I thought America was hungry for meaning. I should have just sent a crocodile into space like I originally planned.
+Homie, I think you did great. And to celebrate, I made omelets from the eggs people threw at our house.
+Dig in, everybody!
+Omelets for dinner! This is the best day of my life.
+Really? Didn't you just sign a ninety million dollar contract?
+That was a good day too.
+Welcome to the "Homer Simpson Showboating Academy."
+Today we're working on poor sportsmanship.
+But I like to stand for good sportsmanship.
+Quiet, you!
+Yes sir.
+And with time running out, the Seminoles are on the warpath!
+Go Seminoles! Cover-the-point-spread! Cover-the-point-spread!
+Here's the play that will determine the game...
+Stay tuned for Sitcom Sunday-
+Where's the remote! This is not a drill, people!
+Rueda! de! Fortuna!
+Hmm... the TV changes channels every time the dog barks.
+We return to Mel Gibson's "The Salad of the Christ," on Christian Carrot Theater.
+I think he swallowed the remote.
+Barf for your master!
+Lousy American-made dog!
+Why must I be so voluptuous?
+Ooh, time to make you pretty.
+Oh yes.
+A little more color.
+How do I look?
+After my makeover I'm gonna get you, boy.
+Yo, yo, yo, here now the nizzews. Top artists in hip-hop are comin' to Springfield!
+This all-star concert, dubbed "Murder 4 Life," features "Da Glock Pointaz," "Romeo Smoov," "Queen Booty Shaykah," "M.C. Champagne Millionaire," and "Assault Weapons" Magazine's man of the year, "Alcatraaaz."
+Alcatraaaz is wide spread! I'm talkin' da junk!
+Just what we need. Another lame suburban kid who loves rap.
+So? You like the blues.
+Yes, but the blues are unpopular.
+Man, are you illin'.
+Rappers stopped saying "illin'" twelve years ago.
+I'm keepin' it real.
+They stopped saying "keepin' it real" three years ago.
+Mom, Lisa's dissin' me!
+"Dissin'?" Do rappers still say that?
+Dad, can I go to a rap concert? Tickets are fifty dollars.
+Go to Hell.
+Okay, what if I pay for it myself?
+Fine, go nuts.
+I love you, Dad.
+I love you too, Jerry.
+Baggy britches? Loose-laced gym shoes? Are you going to a rap performance?
+Hell yeah! I'm representin' at "Murder 4 Life," know what I'm sayin'?
+All too well. Rap music belongs in the rubbish bin. It encourages punching, boastfulness, and rudeness to "ho's."
+Step off, Mom. Rap is the poetry of the streets.
+Well, you are not going to any concert that promulgates stink talk.
+But Dad already said I could go!
+Oh did he? Homer, you tell your son a rap show is not a safe place for a ten-year-old!
+Son, your mother makes a very loud point...
+But you said I could go if I paid for the ticket!
+Boy, let me explain the situation in terms you'll understand.
+YOU DID IT ON THE STRAIGHT, GOT YOUR DAD'S PERMISSION / BUT YOUR MOM DROPPED A BOMB, SO I FLIPPED MY POSITION
+DON'T ARGUE WITH MARGE, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST / THE ONLY RAP IN THIS CRIB, KEEPS SANDWICHES FRESH!
+FRESH FR-FR-FRESH FOR MOMMY'S BABY BOY
+BABY BOY, BABY BOY, BA-BA-BA-BABY BOY
+Dad, you completely sold me out!
+Well, I paid for this ticket. That makes me an adult. I'm going.
+I love you, Krusty-wusty.
+EVERY MINER FORTY-NINER AND STONE-COLD CONNIVER / STAKES A CLAIM ON MY TONGUE TO PAN MY SALIVA / MAKE THE HOS DROP THEY CLOTHES LIKE THEY LADY GODIVA
+Yo, cuz! PUT DOWN MY MIC, 'LESS YOU KNOW HOW TO USE IT / THIS IS OLD SCHOOL NOT PRE-SCHOOL / SO DON'T DR. SEUSS IT!
+Oh no he didn't!
+YOU CAN TRACE MY REMORSE TO ITS SUPER-SIZED SOURCE / A HUNGRY, HUNGRY HYPOCRITE NAMED HOMER OF COURSE / MY OLD MAN'S PATHETIC / DAMN IS HIS HEAD THICK / THE GAS FROM HIS ASS IS CARCINOGENIC / EVERY DAY I PRAY HIS DNA AIN'T GENETIC
+Damn, this ride is pimped-out.
+Y'know downstairs I got a wax museum of famous movie monsters. Check it out if you want to get your fright on.
+Jeepers! It's 50 Cent!
+Yo B, I heard you throw down on stage. Wanna join my world tour?
+Sorry, Fiddy. I have school tomorrow.
+You're right -- the more you know, the further you'll go. And that's one to grow on.
+Does that count as community service?
+All right. Take me to the park. We'll pick up some dog poo.
+Yes, sir!
+Here you go, you little yellow cracker... Now let's go murder our enemies. Peace.
+Bart's gone! I checked everywhere!
+That little sneak disobeyed us and went to that hip-hop festival!
+If that's true, he's gonna be like NWA -- Not Without Ass-welts.
+Well, time to face my punishment like a man... Or, lie my way out of it like a kid.
+A flying rock! Call a geologist!
+We have kidnapped your son. Follow instructions and Bart will not be harmed.
+"Follow instructions?" He's doomed!
+This'll be the worst Thanksgiving dinner ever.
+Thanksgiving's not for months.
+The bad news keeps on coming.
+Tragedy climbed a ladder last night as ten-year-old Bart Simpson was snatched from his bed, his chocolate milk dreams cut short by kidnapping fiends. Mrs. Simpson, is the pain so unbearable you wish your son had never been born?
+Ooh, what a horrible thing to say to a mother.
+Perhaps reading this message aloud will comfort you.
+It's "Win a Hawaiian Getaway Week" on Channel Six.
+So, mail in those pineapple stickers today! Aloha means "one entry per person."
+I will find Bart Simpson. Clancy Wiggum is on the case.
+Uh, Chief, seriously. Shouldn't we just plan for the funeral?
+Hey, I crack cases all the time. Like the case of the symphony conductor who murdered his star cellist.
+That was an episode of Columbo, Chief. They show you who the bad guy is at the beginning of each one.
+Yeah, but you have to remember.
+This is no fun without Bart. He used to watch me while I did this.
+I still do.
+Bart! Are the kidnappers after you?
+Well... some kidnappers might be after me. It's a big world. But in this case, I faked the whole thing.
+Why? Are you mad at me?
+No, it's not about you.
+It's never about me.
+Look, I need a place to hide out 'til the heat is off.
+In my Dad's apartment, the heat is always off. He made a coat out of all my stuffed animals.
+No, no, I mean...
+You can hide out in my room. My dad won't know 'cause he's at work.
+Shoo! Get out of here! These aren't your soybeans!
+Wow, I should have read those headlines a long time ago. Together, they really paint a picture... of failure. And now my only friend is the bottle.
+Rise and shine, Chief Wiggum. This pity party is over.
+Eh... wha... officer down... huh?
+Barney Fife!
+Y-E-S spells you got it, buster. And I'm here to tell you the feelings you're having are common for every brother of the badge.
+Well, my fat grew over my badge.
+Aw, sour mash! It's time for you to roll up your sleeves and get the old crime sniffer out on the street.
+You're right! I've gotta buckle down and do some police work.
+Now that's the can-do attitude that puts dudes in the can. Well, I'm wanted back on the set.
+Set? Are you the character or the actor who plays him?
+Now I must goooooo!
+Wait a minute, now you're a ghost?
+Avenge me!
+Y'ello?
+This is the kidnapper.
+Do what I say and Bart won't get hurt.
+Oh yeah? Send a finger wrapped in today's paper to prove you have him.
+I know what I'm doing. You can use any section of the paper. Except Metro. It's a big snooze.
+Please give me back my boy! I just want to tell him I love him one more time.
+Mom, it's me. Don't cry, I'm okay.
+The kidnappers say if you worry too much... they'll kill me.
+Okay, you made your point!
+Gotta go!
+All right, boys. Let's get this tape back to the lab for analysis.
+We have a lab?
+Yeah, it's that room we keep the Christmas decorations in.
+No, no, I mean...
+What Is that noise in the background? Maybe I can isolate it...
+I know I've heard that noise before. Think, Clancy, think... hail falling on a tin roof?
+No... That's it! Stovetop popcorn. And it sounds like my favorite brand -- Chintzy-Pop! Eddie, Lou, we're goin' to the Kwik-E-Mart.
+You already sent us there twice today.
+Nah, that was for snacks. This time... it's not personal.
+I need the name of everyone who buys Chintzy-Pop popcorn.
+Oh, Chintzy-Pop is the worst legal popcorn. Many of the kernels are baby teeth. There are only two idiots cheap enough to buy this crap. You and...
+Oh baby, is there anything better than video poker and Chintzy-Pop?
+Whoa, I'm looking at an inside straight!
+Some day I'll hear the winning music. Some day.
+Drop the corn, tightey-whitey!
+What? I didn't do anything.
+We'll let a judge be the judge of that.
+Yo Chief, we found the kid!
+Wow. For once I did everything right.
+What's going on? I didn't know he was here! I swear!
+Uh, Chief... is Milhouse's Dad gonna be in trouble? He's not really a bad guy.
+Now, now, there's no need for you to defend your captor, Bratty Hearst.
+It's idiomatic, biatch.
+We're puttin' you in a dirty little cell. Not as small and dirty as this apartment, but you know, it's still pretty bad.
+Oh Bart, I'm so glad you're okay.
+Oh son!... Taking your tombstone back to the store will be the happiest thing I've ever done.
+Ay carumba!
+Chief, we're sorry we didn't have faith in you.
+And I'm sorry I wrote those letters to the editor calling for your ouster.
+You're "Worried In West Springfield?"
+Not any more, Chief. Not any more.
+Keep those rose petals coming. I almost stepped on regular ground back there.
+Bart, two, three, four! You put my Dad in jail, flip, spin, twirl!
+Milhouse, if you tell anyone, I'll tell the world you wet your pants watching Harry Potter.
+I wasn't scared, I was just peeing.
+Look, if you tell what I did, I'll get in trouble.
+You've gotta do something. I want my Dad back!
+You've got the perfect build for a suit -- forty-four, regular. Fifty-six, huge.
+Boys, even though I've been made Police Commissioner, don't think I've forgotten you. Lou, you're promoted to chief of police.
+And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.
+Nice. And uh, who's gonna be Eddie?
+We don't need an Eddie.
+Commissioner Wiggum, I need to confess something.
+Is it that you're proud of me?
+I lied about being kidnapped. The whole thing was a hoax.
+A hoax? A hoax?
+Oh no, Bart please, you can't take this away from me. How would I explain it to Ralphie? That kid can't understand where the world goes when you close the drapes.
+But... what about Milhouse's Dad?
+Hey, this is the best thing that ever happened to that loser. Women love famous felons.
+Kirk, you are so dangerous -- and misunderstood!
+You've kidnapped my heart!
+I love the way I've heard of you!
+So Bart, as you can see... from what I just said... everyone is a winner here.
+A shirt from that rap concert... Bart must've gone to the show. But that means...
+...Bart was never kidnapped! Lisa, I'm very glad you brought me this. I'll see that it gets to the proper authorities.
+Dad!? Why did you do that?
+Hollywood producers have paid me a fortune, which I've already lost, for the rights to Bart's story. So I have to destroy anything that proves that story's not true.
+Why did you burn up your shirt?
+What shirt? I don't see any shirt.
+Burn the truth. Burn the truth.
+So you see Principal Skinner, that's why I had to come to you.
+Wait, why did your father burn his pants?
+It doesn't matter. The point is, only with your help can I expose Bart's lies.
+A chance to bring down Bart Simpson? Our school's second most-wanted criminal after the mysterious El Barto?
+Hmm... sign me up!
+Boys, let me tell ya. Now that I'm commissioner, the shaves are hotter, the steaks are thicker, and I've got my own private bathroom, so Lou here won't be using my sonic toothbrush on his rotten choppers. Yeah.
+Uh, listen, Commissioner... Lisa Simpson came by the office today, asking questions about her brother's kidnapping.
+Questions?!
+Seedless melon!
+Yes, as if she were trying to unravel a tapestry of deceit.
+All right, people, we got a situation here. Your daughter's gonna blow our whole deal sky high.
+You leave Maggie to me.
+No, Lisa!
+Not her! She'll hunt us down relentlessly -- like a bloodhound mixed with a student loan officer!
+Hey, I can't leave this place! I get three square meals a day and trailer time with Springfield's craziest chicks.
+Hey, I've got the most to lose here. I just printed up ten thousand business cards -- how am I going to pass these all out before she catches me!
+Give me a call sometime! Give me a call sometime! Here comes the panic!
+People, please. The only way Lisa can bust me is if she finds someone who can prove I was at that rap show. And I know just where she can find that someone. Let's go cover our asses!
+Wait, before we go, I took the liberty of making these embroidered conspiracy jackets for all of us.
+Wow, those jackets are beautiful.
+We must never wear them.
+Mr. Alcatraaaz, my name is Lisa Simpson, and this is Principal Skinner.
+Hi. Would you mind showing us video footage of your last concert?
+No problem. I've got a two hundred inch plasma TV. In my shoe closet.
+I'm sharing a laugh with my new friends!
+HOMER IS A FAT LOAD!
+HOMER IS A FAT LOAD!
+This proves Bart lied about being kidnapped!
+Not yet. Can we verify exactly what time Bart was at the show?
+If only we had the exact date.
+Bingo! Thank you, Mr. Alcatraaaz.
+Ain't nothin'.
+Ah, ah, ah. "It is nothing."
+All right, hand over the tape and nobody gets hurt.
+This is hopeless. My gun isn't even loaded.
+Aw nuts. They're gonna release that tape and our hoax will be exposed. Well, I guess I'll go back to Baltimore and sell ribbon with my Daddy. Ribbon! Get your ribbon! Great for presents!
+Wait a minute. Why do we have to come clean? Nobody's been hurt. Everyone's happier with the lie.
+The lie is love.
+Wait just a minute.
+Love the lie!
+The way I was raised, by Mom, I learned the truth can't be swept under the rug.
+That's a very noble sentiment, Lisa. But for once in your life, can't you just be cool?
+Yeah, be cool. Like us.
+Coolee, coolee cool! C'mon, fool! Be coolee, coolee cool!
+Yo, put away your glocks, man.
+Yes. Share with us the wisdom of the street, oh mighty Alcatraaaz.
+There are times in life when the truth ain't black nor white, but a subtler shade of gray, y'all. And when the path of justice is obscured by the fog of uncertainty, there is only one solution. House par-ty!!
+Dad, I don't understand. After all the corruption and deceit we've witnessed, how can everyone just party?
+Lisa, the world is a very complicated place. And when you get right down to it... cannonball!
+Do you think there's a place in the hip-hop world for a forty-something elementary school administrator?
+Hell yes.
+But I'm already payin' a guy for that.
+Skinner! I order you to step off, dog.
+I think they're making fun of me, but my wife is very sick.
+Some sucker will think he's getting beer, but he's really gonna get a face full of melon!
+Shhh. Don't ruin the moment.
+Oh boy, free beer!
+Oh man!
+Easy, Barney... easy...
+Remember the twelve steps.
+One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten-eleven-twelve!
+Nice try, boys. Now, as the Roadrunner said to the Coyote, "meep meep"!
+Everyone in town is wise to us. We need someone new we can prank.
+Sweet. Fresh meat.
+Meat's not sweet. It's savory.
+Hi, bean sprouts! The name's Howell Huser. I travel the country gawkin' and talkin', and I was hopin' to take in your town.
+We can show you around. If you don't mind a heapin' helpin' of local color.
+Why my favorite color is local!
+Ooh, watermelon. Want to plant the seeds?
+It's seedless.
+Radioactivity?
+That means it's a place where we do radio... activities.
+I'm happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity.
+Ya know, the fish here are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed 'em.
+Well howdy, little feller.
+Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! I can't wait till this is over! Ow!
+I was thinking maybe we could visit the hospital now.
+Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood.
+It always has in the past.
+Finger pain?! I thought I had gum comin'! That tears it!
+I've been smilin' for forty-seven years, and you two broke my streak!
+Shame on you. And shame on you.
+And shame on your whole ill-mannered town!
+Hey, that guy's shaming us.
+My self-esteem sure didn't need that!
+Yeah, get out, shamey!
+I don't think we'll be hearing from him again.
+So, kitchen wizard. I understand you have a book coming out.
+Yes, it's about Winston Churchill's life between the wars.
+Up next on the Soft News Network, let's hear from our own wide-eyed wanderer, Howell Huser.
+I've ambled and rambled across this country, and never found a town I didn't like... till now.
+And the name of that town, is Springfield.
+I was attacked, humiliated, and fed misleading gum. I give Springfield the lowest rating I've ever given a city: a six out of ten.
+I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism.
+Eh, who needs tourists? They never buy my maps to stars' homes, anyway.
+Have you read them all? Okay, good.
+We need to bring...tourism back to Springfield. As usual, I will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds.
+Stronger beer! / Gladiator fights! / Poetry slam! / Giant rats!
+I have a real suggestion.
+Y'arrr.
+Why don't we legalize same-sex marriage? We can attract a growing segment of the marriage market, and strike a blow for civil rights.
+Yeah, them gay guys got lots of disposable income. I can serve fancy drinks and charge ten bucks a pop. What's in a martini?
+Gin and vermouth.
+And that makes a what?
+A martini.
+Never heard of it. But I'm still in favor of that same-sex marriage deal.
+Then it's settled. We'll legalize gay money -- I mean uh gay marriage!
+I propose we also legalize gay funerals -- starting with this guy.
+I'm not gay. I'm nothing yet!
+Okay, now let's say I put a Lean Cuisine in a blender and I pour some beer on it. What do you call that?
+A Lean Cuisini?
+WHEN MY MAN AND I SHOPPED FOR WEDDING GOWNS / WE WERE MOCKED AND SHUNNED AND PUSHED AROUND / BUT YESTERDAY, WE FOUND A PLACE TO BE GAY / I'M GOING TO MARRY MY HARRY IN SPRINGFIELD TOWN...
+GAY-O / IT'S OKAAAAY-O / TIE THE KNOT AND SPEND ALL YOUR DOUGH. / GAY-O / COME STAAAAY-O / VISIT OUR WEBSITE FOR FURTHER IN-FO.
+Springfield -- a place where everyone can marry. Even dudes. We're just off route two oh two. Do not take the Jefferson Avenue Exit. For God's sake, do not take that exit.
+While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, I cannot marry two people of the same sex any more than I can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun. Now go back to working behind the scenes in every facet of entertainment!
+Excuse me, Reverend.
+As long as two people love each other, I don't think God cares whether they both have the same hoo-hoo or ha-ha.
+Haw-haw!
+The Bible forbids same-sex relations.
+Which book?
+Which book? The Bible!
+But Reverend... Scriptural scholars disagree on the significance for Christians of many of the Old Testament's proscriptions.
+Jesus' teachings stressed inclusiveness and compassion...
+Lovejoy's an idiot -- his church is giving up hot gobs of gay green. He could get two hundred bucks a couple.
+Two hundred bucks a couple, eh?
+Hey, I gotta get in on this! These people have rights! The right to buy me a sixty-two inch TV!
+Now begins the long and spiritual journey to becoming an ordained minister.
+Let's see, "Name" "Homer Simpson".
+You are now an ordained minister.
+Now to answer all the pop-ups. Ooh, a talking moose wants my credit card number. That's only fair.
+...And do you, Julio, take Thad to be your lawful wedded life partner, in Massachusetts and Vermont... maybe Canada... stay outta Texas... as long as you both are gay?
+It brings me great joy to unite two such loving people. Photo mouse pads for sale out back.
+Okay, what's next? Adam and Steve or Madam and Eve?
+Homer, you married every gay couple in town.
+Hey, what can I say? I love love.
+Well, all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn.
+Hm... where's Lenny and Carl?
+Don't you push them! They've gotta work that out for themselves.
+But I'm only two hundred dollars short of fourteen thousand, eight hundred dollars.
+Well, what about people of the opposite sex who want to get married?
+Opposite? Yuck!!
+I mean a man and a woman.
+Hm. Well, maybe marriage isn't just for gays. What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl?
+Straight.
+Ooh, look at me. I'm straight as a one dollar bill. La de da. Ooh.
+Do you Cletus take Brandine to be...
+Wait a minute! Are you two brother and sister?
+We's all kinda things!
+But Veronica's a girl's name. Did you know that?
+A new epidemic is raging through Springfield -- and this one didn't start with Krustyburger's Whatchamacarcass Sandwich. I'm talking about an outbreak of marriage fever!
+Reverend Simpson...
+Please, Kent. Call me Your Holiness.
+I can't. I just can't. Homer, have we started down a slippery slope, where marriage becomes so meaningless that anyone could marry anything?
+Oh Kent, not anything. It has to exist. Or does it?
+Well, call me old fashioned, but I believe that marriage described in the Bible--
+If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it? In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife. You owe me two hundred bucks.
+Homer, your impulsive marriages are gonna lead to a lot of divorces.
+Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages. Which will put more green in the blue. The blue being my pants.
+I'm sorry, Homer. But I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there.
+If I may say a word.
+Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the clown. Krusty?
+I want to clear up a misconception about the Whatchamacarcass Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals. Everyone does it.
+Oh Homie, I'm so proud of you. You stood up for people's right to express love in its most perfect form, a binding legal contract.
+Hey Saturated Fats, I came to ask you a favor.
+Lemme get my belt sander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.
+Very funny.
+I wasn't joking.
+I'm getting married, and I need you to perform the ceremony.
+You're getting married?! Patty, that's wonderful!
+So tell, tell. Who's the lucky man? What does he do? Let me guess: does he work in Customer Support?
+You can guess all night and never get it. Her name's Veronica.
+I'm marrying a woman. I'm... I'm gay.
+You're not disappointed, are you?
+Oh no. No no. No. I'm just... surprised.
+Yeah, big surprise. Hey Marge, here's another bomb: I like beer.
+So Patty. You're a woman who likes women. I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded.
+Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister Patty.
+Next time it'll be your eye. Marge, did you really think I was straight?
+Well, I guess I could have seen the signs.
+You could see it from space, Marge. This isn't a problem for you, is it?
+Oh no. Oh no. Why would it be? I love you and I love gay marriage, so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't love your gay marriage. Right?
+Now Patty, here's a veil I picked out just for you.
+It smells like cheeseburgers.
+Give it back!
+Why are we dressed as Sunday Best Simpsons for dinner with Aunt Patty?
+Because she's bringing over someone very special. Her fiancée.
+Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty? But they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?
+Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard. And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it.
+You've reached Fox. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press one. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press two.
+Please stay on the line. Your half-baked ideas are all we've got.
+Actually your aunt is marrying a very lucky... woman.
+I thought you said Aunt Patty was just waiting for the right man.
+As opposed to you, who grabbed the first blimp that floated by.
+Correction. The first blimp that got her pregnant.
+Seriously Dad, I'm worried. You should go on a diet.
+Why you little...
+Save my place.
+This is my fiancée, Veronica.
+It's a pleasure to meet you all.
+So Veronica, what do you do?
+I'm a pro golfer.
+No surprises there.
+Aunt Patty, where did you two meet? Alternative book store? Ethiopian restaurant?
+It was so romantic -- like a scene from a Hollywood movie...
+Yeah, "Bride of the Monster."
+I was at the LPGA Ritz Bitz Celebrity Pro-Am...
+Lady golfers? I thought we played this stupid game to get away from the women. With the yak, yak, yak and the spend, spend, spend! Am I right?
+Hey, clown. Watch out for this lady driver.
+Are you all right?
+Never better.
+I'll bet that's how angels cough.
+I've been wearing that three wood ever since.
+Whoa! Save something for your wedding night.
+Oh, we're saving everything for our wedding night.
+That's what Mom would want.
+I don't think it's exactly what Mom would want.
+Marge, are you sure you're okay with this?
+Of course. Everyone should do whatever they want. Take a bear to church! Read a book with your feet! Change your name to Gooble-Glop!
+Oh, I get it. You act all liberal, but you can't handle it when your sister finds love in her own locker room.
+Marge, if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, I would love to see you at the ceremony. If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral...which should be pretty soon.
+Got him! Uh-oh.
+What am I not invited to this time?
+Gay wedding. But I can get you in.
+You can? Is there an open bar?
+No, cash.
+Well, I say this whole thing is against nature!
+So, wanna do a jigsaw puzzle tonight?
+Selma, I'm getting married in an hour.
+I know, I know. I'm just having trouble getting used to the idea of being alone.
+Don't lay that on me. You got married three times.
+Actually, four. You see, last week...
+Disco Stu just got an annulment from John Paul Two. Boogie down!
+Selma, we'll always be there for each other. I don't know about Marge, though. If she doesn't show up today...I have no non-identical sister!
+Oh Lord, please help me say the right words this afternoon, as I consecrate another gay union that angers you so.
+And please let thy Holy Spirit open the heart of my wife. Amen.
+I just can't believe my sister would keep me in the dark all these years, then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married.
+You handsome devil. Someday they'll let you and me get married! Can you imagine the children?
+I love you, Homer... I love you too, Homer... Oh, Homer.
+The toilet seat's up!
+But that wouldn't happen unless...
+DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY... DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY...
+She's a man! Looks like Patty's gonna get something she didn't register for.
+Queerly beloved, we're here to join Veronica and Patty in matrimony. But the news isn't all good. They've written their own vows. Patty?
+Veronica, in you I have found a soul mate. You are the perfect woman for me: truthful, honest, hiding nothing.
+At last I have found the yin to my yin.
+If anyone knows a reason why these two should not be joined, let them speak now... or forever hold their peace.
+No! I can't let this happen!
+I knew it! You think everyone in the world should have a big dumb man like you!
+People please, can we wrap this up? It's gonna rain and I've gotta get the bikes in here.
+Patty, it's not what you think. Veronica is a man!
+Look at the size of that Adam's apple!
+Veronica, how could you?
+Patty, I love you. But long before we met, I disguised myself as a woman, and lied my way onto the LPGA tour.
+I can see why you lied to other golfers, caddies, fans and officials, but how could you lie to me and the sponsors?
+Because you fell in love with me as a woman, and I didn't want to lose you. But now I'm asking you, not as Veronica, but as the man I am: Leslie Robin Swisher.
+Patty, will you marry the real me?
+Hell no, I like girls!
+Marge, thank you for accepting me for who I am.
+Well, I've learned a lesson. Just because you're a lesbian, it doesn't make you less of a bein'.
+Patty, I admire your decision. It takes courage to follow your heart and walk out on a non-refundable wedding ceremony. So I'm gonna waive the rose petal removal fee and prorate the cake-handling surcharge.
+Thanks.
+Well, that's the end of Dad's wedding business.
+Hey, twisted sister. You still have that jigsaw puzzle?
+There never was a jigsaw puzzle. I was trying to make you jealous.
+Hey, wanna go to the airport and leave a bag unattended?
+It is a good way to meet security personnel. Let's go.
+Hurry! Before she changes her mind!
+Happy three in the morning, everyone! In a mere five hours, we'll be gazing at Springfield's most exciting glacier, Springfield Glacier. I hope you're all wearing glacier-appropriate clothing.
+Hey, check out my T-shirt. It's wicked relevant!
+It's part of my "Things Suck" line of clothing.
+Yes, well, while I disagree with your T-shirt's assertion, I do encourage anything that raises glacier awareness. Busward to adventure!
+So, Lis, ready for your trip?
+Sure am!
+See ya next fall.
+You make those same stupid jokes every field trip!
+Eh, you work in the business as long as I have, you're bound to repeat yourself.
+See you next fall!
+So, Edna, I uh, I wrote up some possible discussion topics for this trip. Oh, here's one: I'm still in love with you. Discuss?
+Seymour, I've moved on. Our romance is in the history books -- and there's nothing worth highlighting. Ha!
+The Skin-man doesn't give up that easily.
+Ooh, these icy roads are gettin' pretty gnarly.
+Whoooa! Whoooa! Whoooa! Whoooa!
+Oh, I'm not worried.
+My indemnity waivers! Stop the bus!
+We'll just use the chains.
+I feel like I'm in "Fitzcarraldo!"
+That movie was flawed!
+Behold, children. The majesty of Springfield Glacier! Crane your necks skyward to behold its icy glory.
+What happened to the glacier? It's nearly melted. This must be due to global warming!
+Young lady, the federal government's position on global warming is that it does not exist. This glacier is doing just fine.
+No it isn't -- it's a lump of slush! Look at it!
+I have a little girl like you at home. That's where she stays. At home.
+Oh, I just love it here. So many things, and so many things of each thing!
+Welcome to Sprawl*Mart! Can I get you a cart or a basket?
+Grampa, you're a greet grater! I mean a great greeter! Now look who's senile!
+I'll take a cart.
+All right.
+Darn thing's stuck. I'll give it a good yank...
+Gnoooooo... mes!
+Oh, Dad. How I'll miss your cap, your walking stick, your plaster base...
+I'm down here, you idiot!
+Dad, where's your base?!
+Don't worry about that! Someone's gotta greet the customers!
+Eh, they'll be fine.
+No! They're helpless without a greeting -- look at 'em.
+Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.
+I'm gonna get a glacier postcard and send it to my Nanna! She'll be like "no way!"
+I'm going to exchange this beach towel I bought at Sequoia National Park.
+I learned too late that it implied tumescence.
+Ah, pre-modern man. If these wise warriors could speak, what would they tell us?
+They left a message right here.
+Actually carved into the rock. Nice work, Simpson.
+Feel free to make a rubbing.
+Welcome to Sprawl*Mart... Pimple cream in aisle five! Buenos nachos -- ask about our señor discount. Hey, Rabbi, Jesus loves ya. Just kidding.
+Son, you are on fire! A million times better than that worthless old coot you replaced.
+That coot happens to be my father. Please continue.
+How would you like to be a full-time Sprawl*Mart greeter?
+Is there a chance for advancement?
+Woo hoo! No pressure!
+Evidence suggests that this ice-age female was alone when she fell into a crevasse.
+Dying alone, huh? Terrible fate to befall any woman -- ice-age or modern-day.
+Seymour, I will now demonstrate how over you I am. See that man?
+Take note of how he's not you. Now watch.
+So, is there a Mrs. Park Ranger Johnson?
+No ma'am. I'm married to the glacier. But uh, it's an open marriage.
+Then bring it, fool!
+Oh for goodness sake. You've moved on, have you? Well, so have I.
+Just play along.
+Listen, people!
+How can you stand there eating snacks and being children, when the world's glaciers are vanishing?
+We have to do something about it!
+Glaciers are nature's alarm clock...and it's time for us to wake up. Can there be any doubt that the culprit is greenhouse gas produced by man?
+The only gas is coming from Lisa's butt!
+People, please! I'm talking about toxic vapors.
+Hey, whoever's doing that, get off the frequency.
+We're combing the woods -- there's a killer loose out here.
+Aw, let him do it, Chief. It lightens the mood.
+Oh my God!
+That used to be a face!
+Baaart!
+Help! I'm sinking in the lake!
+You mean, you're walking on the glacier!
+Whatever!
+Check it out -- that frog has a nerd on its butt!
+Bart, you are the meanest, nastiest little boy that ever lived.
+Hey, there's a dog in the next car lookin' at me. Hey, dog.
+You don't even care how upset I am! But this time you have gone too far.
+What are you gonna do, tell Mom and Dad? They're powerless figureheads.
+You'll see. Oh, you will see.
+Good morning, world! Eat my shorts!
+There'll be no shorts eaten today, young man.
+Bart Simpson, this is your restraining order. From now on, you must stay at least twenty feet away from your sister.
+Restraining order?! Bull spit! No piece of paper keeps me from whaling on my sister.
+So, you see what happens when you don't obey your restraining order?
+Yes, Chief Wiggum.
+And Snake, do you see what happens when you kidnap the President?
+Yes, Chief Wiggum.
+And Lou, do you see what happens when my coffee comes back cold?
+Chief, you ordered an ice coffee.
+I said a nice coffee. Nice.
+Oh, better increase the juice.
+Lisa, you took out a restraining order against your own brother?
+Yes. The clerk also gave me this bench warrant for Dad's arrest.
+Aw, dammit! Chief, how are we supposed to live with our kids constantly separated?
+Hey, I don't make the laws, I just... something with them.
+Look, this videotape should answer all your questions.
+Get Out Of My Dreams And Also Out Of My Car: A Guide To Your Restraining Order
+Hi, I'm Gary Busey. I'm here to explain about restraining orders. The answers to all your questions are in this video.
+"So You've Got A Restraining Order." Meet Joe. Last name: Spaghetti-o. One night, Joe went to a party and fell in love with a girl named Mary.
+Oh man, I've been there.
+At first Joe felt discouraged, but then he remembered what his father taught him: "Never say die," "Quitters never prosper", and "No means yes."
+The next day Mary got a restraining order against Joe.
+Now Joe can't come within five hundred feet of Mary. He also can't call her or burn his name in gas on her lawn.
+I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Joe is me. And Mary is a composite of twelve different women and a small independent film company, all of whom couldn't deal with me because I'm too real.
+I always hoped we wouldn't be one of those restraining order families.
+How am I supposed to know if I'm twenty feet away?
+Don't worry, son -- no one's gonna make you count to twenty. I have a more humane solution.
+This twenty-foot pole will make Bart's restraining order oh-so-easy to enforce. And I used my Sprawl*Mart employee discount to buy this fancy pole cover. It'll keep your pole looking great, poke after poke after poke!
+Hey, this really works.
+Homer, why did you put the screwdriver at the end?
+Show you what it's like in the real world!
+Bart, because of your sister's restraining order, there is no place in this school you can legally occupy, without violating your order. Observe.
+A.m. kindergarten made the Bart doll. P.m. kindergarten made the Lisa. The point is, we're not allowed to have you in this building.
+Well, I've never been one to break the law...
+So long, Seymour. Gimme a jingle sometime.
+I will. But there is one place on school property that falls outside all laws of man or God.
+No... you don't mean...
+Oh, this place smells, and something's dripping on me.
+The smell is manure. And the drippin's manure. Now turn to chapter one of Math Safari.
+But we're already on chapter seven.
+Then you'll be teachin' Willie.
+I'm afraid your arm has sustained extensive nerve damage. The only cure is this anti-poking potion.
+Oops, missed the vein. Dang, missed it again. Sorry, I'm distracted. My housekeeper is suing me for sexual harassment. She hung the mistletoe. What was I supposed to do?
+I like eating here with you, Dad. Especially without "Don't have a cow, man."
+Yeah, he's all "Cowabunga, dude!" What's that mean? Nothing, I bet.
+Oops, need more soda.
+Homer, would you be interested in the position of Executive Greeter?
+Woo hoo! That's been my dream ever since I heard it existed right now. What do I get?
+You get to work overtime without us paying you extra.
+I won't do it.
+If you don't, we'll ship you right back to Mexico.
+But I'm a U.S. citizen.
+Uh-huh. How sure of that are you?
+Dios mio!
+I can't take it anymore! Every time I try to relax, she-- ow, my neck!
+Can't I even finish my milk?
+Please lift this restraining order, Judge Harm. It's poking our family apart.
+Bart, do you have anything to say?
+My sister has no sense of humor. I'm sure you understand. It's why you became a judge instead of finding a husband.
+I have a husband!
+What is he, blind and deaf?
+From now on, the restraining order is set at two hundred feet!
+That's sixty-one meters!
+Sacre bleu!
+Sorry, boy. This is the only place that's two hundred feet from Lisa but still on our property.
+It's pretty scary out here, Dad. Dad?
+Well, I bet they miss me.
+Well, could be worse.
+Bart, Lisa went over to Janey's. Quick, run inside and go potty!
+Why should I go inside? The world is my toilet now.
+Hey, why'd you lock the door? We're still inside!
+It's a chance for you to catch up on all the work I'm assigning you now.
+I've never worked all night, never! And I worked at an all-night diner for three years! I slept on the grill.
+See this? It's the bathroom key. See you in the morning.
+You monster!
+We placed a compliance chip in the back of your neck during the company physical.
+That's it, mister. I am disgruntled. And up until now, I was relatively gruntled!
+I did it! I pulled it out! And with no brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage-amage.
+Now, we'll get all your chips out, go to the police, and shut this place down!
+Homer, we took our chips out years ago.
+Really? Then why do you still work here?!
+We've learned to accept the things we cannot change. And steal everything that's not nailed down.
+I hope you won't judge us harshly...
+I'll be back for tall kitchen bags!
+Lisa, don't you think your brother's suffered enough?
+Mom, I don't mean to be mean. But every time I think about forgiving him, I remember all the bad things he's done to me.
+He's done good things for you too.
+Name three.
+He brought home your homework when you were sick.
+Yes, but he thought that was a bad thing.
+Well, let's count that anyway.
+He did try to cheer me up when my hamster died.
+Homer, you forgot to eat your hot dog.
+Mmm, hot dog.
+I just don't understand what the problem is.
+Okay, that's two... ...and that's it. If I think of another one, I'll let him back in.
+Stupid, selfish Bart. Like he's ever gonna do another nice thing for me...
+He's building a me! Well, I mean, it's a little American-primitive... but who am I to dismiss outsider art? It shows he misses me... and this is the third thing!
+Lis, just let me be!
+Look in your heart. I'm beggin' ya. Look in your heart.
+Bart, don't worry.
+I'm relinquishing the poke-pole.
+What does that mean? You're sharpening it?
+Look in your heart. I'm beggin' ya. Look in your heart.
+I'm not sharpening it!
+Are you putting feces on the tip?
+No, I'm giving it up!
+I've realized how much I missed you -- and I can see from this magnificent Lisa statue that you felt the same way.
+Oh... uh... yeah. When you're right, you're right. Let's eat.
+Yo Bart, we're ready to torch the wicker witch of the west.
+Jimbo, the real one's here.
+Oh man. This is every effigist's worst nightmare.
+Bart, you were gonna burn the third nice thing you've ever done for me?
+Well, you see... the fire represents... your musical ability?
+Aww, Bart, I missed your lies... And I was kind of a pill. I guess.
+Lisa... you just poked my feelings. I'm sorry too.
+Gimme that torch.
+I don't see why I need a new driving license. My old one's just fine.
+I have serious doubts about your skill behind the wheel -- you drove in with three people on your grill.
+I'll sue!
+At least I'm out doing things.
+Do you know this baby once out-raced the Flying Finn, Paavo Nurmi?
+Turn the heater off -- it's boiling in here!
+What are you talking about? This car is cooler than Guy Lombardo.
+What's wrong with me?!
+Good heavens, she's some sort of female madman!
+Hot... so hot!
+Stop that, you want-wit! I might get stung by a bumbled-bee.
+Van Houten blows past Simpson. He's got all the right moves...
+And a fight breaks out!
+Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb!
+I still feel hot!
+Sir, thank God the airbags activated!
+Those are my lungs!
+Selma, what you experienced was a "hot flash," an early symptom of menopause.
+What the hell's menopause?
+Son, menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters.
+It's a natural process that women of a certain age go through.
+And it's something to be feared -- right, Doctor?
+Far from it. Maybe we should all take a look at this.
+What do you know? She's out of eggs. And if you're watching this, so are you. Hello, I'm Robert Wagner -- actor, smooth customer...and women's health advocate.
+Just as the end of the day can bring great beauty, so too can the end of menstruation be a time of radiance and celebration.
+Sure, you may experience mood swings, loss of desire, and private dryness...
+...But don't worry, you can still do everything that you did before.
+Everything? Including having children?
+Ma'am, we're trying to make a video here.
+Menopause means you can't have anymore children. But, it also marks a wonderful new plateau in a woman's life. So let's all give menopause a round of men-applause! Men-applause? I'm not saying that.
+So that's it -- the end of the line. I'm never gonna have children.
+Selma, I never realized you wanted a child so badly.
+I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks--
+But now I'm afraid I'll grow old alone.
+What about your pet iguana, Jub-Jub?
+Jub-Jub can't take care of me when I'm old and sick. All he can do is eat me when I'm dead.
+Don't cry, sweetie. Everything's gonna be all right.
+Come on kids, we should go. Goodbye, Selma.
+I'm not dead, idiot.
+I know. That was for the other patients.
+My thingies!
+We now return to "Son Of Satan."
+Everyone has a child but me.
+Cheer up, sis -- there's a dented-can sale down at Schwegman's.
+This is one problem damaged food can't solve.
+Wow, you really are down. Hey, you ever think of adoption?
+The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak.
+Hey, hey, hey -- that foot's not dead, it's just asleep.
+Awww, he's perfect. For this little guy, I'm gonna give up smoking -- from now on, we're a Skoal family.
+Um, is this the baby pound where I gived up my kid? Cuz I needs to get him back.
+Oh no! The birth father.
+I shouldn't have given him away -- seems I mis-heard my wife. What she said was, she's tired of having rabies.
+Gimme back my belly fruit!
+If you want, I'll call you after Brandine's next litter.
+Yeah, pass.
+Don't give up, Aunt Selma. China has thousands of baby girls who need adoption.
+Great, another job lost to a foreigner.
+Madam, your adoption application is in perfect order... except for one thing.
+You forgot to fill out the name of your husband.
+Husband.
+Of course. The Chinese government only allows wholesome, married couples to adopt. No "hen without cock." I apologize if that is a double-entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
+Don't worry. I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of MacGyver?
+Oh yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you.
+Right. Right. Right.
+And don't forget, your husband must go with you to China to pick up the baby.
+All right, here I go. Writing the name.
+Excellent. You are Mrs. Homer Simpson. He is your soul mate... and lover.
+Yes, Homer Simpson is my whole world. I love him.
+I just felt a chill go through my very soul.
+Yeah, those Sloppy Joes will do that.
+How about that Selma, flying all of us to China for no apparent reason?
+And how 'bout me getting off work by saying I'm teaching math skills to inner city youths. Yes, there are many kinds of heroes.
+Marge, when are we gonna tell Homer he has to pretend to be my husband?
+Wait till the Drambuie and sleeping pills kick in.
+Hey look, a dragon.
+Hello, Homer. Give me your peanuts and you can fly on my back.
+I'll give you one.
+Oh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this.
+Hey dragon! You fly like a girl!
+Go, go, go!
+Homer, I'm gonna need you to do something for me when we get to China.
+You name it, oh wise mountain ape.
+You have to pretend to be my husband.
+Nooooooo!!
+That's him. The man who broke a dragon's heart.
+THE MAN WHO BROKE A DRAGON'S HEART...
+Homer, if you do this one small favor, it could transform Selma's life.
+But Marge, I don't want her to be happy.
+Okay, don't do it for her--
+Do it for me.
+Okay, I'll do it. Because your sweet love is the one thing that saved my life from being an unmitigated disaster. Ha-ha, now we're even!
+This is your Captain. We have started our descent and will soon be landing in Beijing.
+If you look out the left side of the aircraft, you will see our monument to warrior and spicy chicken pioneer, General Gao.
+Wow, it makes the Lincoln Memorial look like crap.
+Very good. You have passport, husband... all we need now is the sack of ten thousand happinesses.
+When do I get my baby?
+In a few days.
+This will give you a chance to explore our nation's ancient culture.
+And it will give me a chance to closely observe the intimate details of your married life.
+Madam Wu, these are... our children, Bart and Lisa. Yes.
+And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny.
+Thank you, Mr. Simpson.
+Don't mention it, Miss October. But don't look at her passport, it's different.
+Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically.
+These are the famous Shaolin Temple monks. They pursue spiritual peace through mastery of bare-fisted murder.
+I've heard of these guys. You can wave your arms at 'em and make funny faces, and they just have to stand there and take it.
+Homer, no stop! You're thinking of Buckingham Palace!
+I hope you washed your hands first.
+Oh, look at him sleeping. He's like a little angel that killed fifty million people. Yes you are... yes you are!
+The Great Wall of China was begun nearly two thousand years ago in order to repel barbarian invaders.
+With these pogo sticks, we'll finally make it over.
+All right, everyone take a break and come back Monday with five fresh ideas.
+Can't make it Monday. My kid has a thing.
+When I was seventeen, I walked into the jungle. And by twenty-one, I walked out. And by God, I was rich.
+Boys, you see what I was talking about? The greatest things can happen.
+I finally get this play!
+So, Mr. Simpson, what do you do for a living?
+I'm a nuclear--
+I'm a Chinese acrobat!
+You shall be back in the land you love soon. Tomorrow we will give you your baby.
+Oh my God, really? My life begins at last.
+That is quite an insult to your other children.
+We understand, ma'am. We're pretty lousy kids.
+I don't know about that -- I'm considered pretty smart.
+Well, Tibet was considered "pretty independent." How'd that work out?
+How dare you make light of that brutal--
+Mind your manners, Lisa.
+Such loving discipline. Maybe some day someone will love you too, childless servant.
+I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed. Our star acrobat had an onset of out-spokenness and suffered a bullet-related death.
+This is most disillusioning!
+It seems our leaders are not all-knowing!
+Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here?
+Homer, we need your acrobatic skills. Only you can prevent this riot, and save our beloved Communist dictatorship.
+You guys are commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?
+Just go perform that stunt! Unless you are not who you claim to be...
+Showtime!
+I give you the great American acrobat, Homer Simpson, to attempt our most popular stunt: Chair Man Wow!
+Nice chair toss. Good one, skinny. / You guys get these chairs from Regal Rents? / Boy, you're a great stacker. / Hi, Lisa. / Now that's precarious.
+Boy, this is easy. Maybe I am the world's greatest acrobat.
+U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.--
+Ooh, you're curing me with acupuncture.
+No, a porcupine snuck in while you were asleep.
+Go on, shoo! Come back in year of porcupine! Which is never!
+I'd like you all to meet someone.
+Introducing... Ling Bouvier!
+Selma, she's beautiful!
+This is Homer, your daddy. Without him, I wouldn't have you.
+Awww. She likes my eyes.
+Homer, I do appreciate what you did. How'd you like a little time with "Miss October"?
+I would, but Marge would kill me... I mean ohh, right.
+Homer, of all the sneaky, dishonest things you've ever done, playing Selma's husband was by far the sweetest.
+It wasn't easy, Marge -- I've missed you so much.
+Okay, one quick snuggle.
+Is there any other kind?
+Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!
+Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America, unlike everyone else there.
+Selma Bouvier, this man is not your husband -- and for that, no adoption!
+They took my baby.
+Wow, the fortune cookies here really are more accurate.
+I am so sorry about what happened. But at least you saw what it was like to be married to me for a little while.
+Listen, I've got a plan to get Ling back. But we must be discreet. You never know where there might be a spy.
+Yes, tell me your plan in detail, American sister. Don't have a cattle, dude.
+Uh, let's talk about this outside.
+Hold still, Homie.
+Yeah, Dad. If you don't look perfect, you'll never be able to sneak in and steal Ling back.
+You look just like a Buddha statue. Now, all you need is an expression of utter serenity.
+Just think about the day you found that Junior Mint in your bellybutton.
+Who told you that?
+A Buddha statue? We cannot leave it outside. It is bad Feng Shui.
+Feng Shui? I thought that was just a trick to sell crappy end-tables to the West.
+Just put this hook in his nostril and pull.
+I've never moved a Buddha this heavy.
+Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks.
+Now let's see... which one is Ling?
+Ling?... Ling?... Ling?...
+If we can just get to the Delta Airlines Gold Medallion Lounge, they can't get in without spending frequent flyer miles.
+Plus, we get free apple, orange and grapefruit juice!
+I'm afraid that juice is not on your tongue just yet!
+Give the back baby -- I cannot allow her to be raised by an unmarried woman.
+Madam Wu, I too work for a cruel and faceless empire -- the Department of Motor Vehicles. May I talk to you bureaucrat to bureaucrat?
+Yes. But you first must sign this form.
+And initial here.
+And here.
+Now we must find a notary.
+This is Wang Pu's time to shine!
+Proceed.
+Madam Wu, we both love the enforcement of pointless rules. But there's a greater joy in bending the rules to help someone who thinks all hope is gone.
+I was this woman's husband for a few days, in name only, and beer will soon obliterate that memory. But I don't think this baby could find any greater love on your planet or ours.
+You may not believe this... but I once was a baby myself. My father was a Ping-Pong champion. He died when the ball got stuck in his throat. The Heimlich maneuver was invented the very next day. My mother raised me alone, so I know it can be done.
+You may keep your baby. But you, drop the panda!
+But he loves me.
+Why you little... I'll endanger you!
+Goodbye, Simpsons.
+You'll be back some day, Ling. As a spoiled American teenager.
+Something's wrong with Bart. He's acting weird.
+Feast on my shorts, stupid father man.
+Wait, you're not Bart! Eh, close enough.
+AMERICAN JERKS ARE GOING HOME / NOW WE SLEEP FOR A THOUSAND YEARS / WHEN WE WAKE THE WORLD WILL END...
+David Silverman here, Supervising director of the Simpsons. And tonight, I'm gonna show you how to draw Bart. Now, you start off with a tin can like this, and a little tuna fish can for the bottom part of his head. A little hinge of an ear, a big sausage for a nose, two giant golf balls for eyes. Now, here's a little trick about the hair. It's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine points. And uh, there you go. Perfect Bart every time. Now, once you've mastered how to draw Bart, you can put him in all sorts of costumes. Some that he likes...some that he hates.
+Well, that's it, my friends. Thank you very much. Keep watching.
+Is there anything more fun than a nice Sunday drive?
+Oh yeah, it's great. Why don't we top it off by reading to old people?
+Well, I think -- in these days of petro-terrorists and ozone depletion -- a Sunday drive reeks of bio-hubris.
+Hey, hey, it's Krusty the clown! What do you say, Krusty?
+What? Can't I get a cup of coffee without doing a monkey dance for you freaks?
+The fishing hat means leave me alone!
+Always nice to see him.
+How did Dad get out of this snooze cruise?
+He's cleaning out the garage. I can picture it now...
+I cleaned out the garage and lost fifty pounds!
+Hmmm. Seems a shame to chuck out these cross-country skis. I'll keep one.
+Let's see now... "Kill spiders?" We don't have spiders.
+Stupid spider... afraid of dying.
+Aha! Huh?
+Spider poison is people poison?!
+Baaart!
+Hm, where's the pain? There it is!
+A spider!
+Time to open the envelope I gave you.
+Out of the way! I learned CPR while waiting for other kids to finish their math tests.
+Compress his chest!
+I'm on it.
+Oh, thank God! He's alive!
+Honey... your near-fatal boo boo today really scared me. What would the kids and I do if something happened to you?
+Don't worry. If I croak, you'll marry Lenny. Or Moe -- the winner will be determined by a card game I invented. I got all the rules written down... up here.
+You keep almost dying. Just look at our vacation photos.
+Homie, if you die, I'm gonna have three kids to take care of. I want you to buy some life insurance. Please?
+Sure, if it'll give you peace of mind. But I'm not gonna die for many, many years.
+I know, I just wan--
+Mr. Simpson, before we can insure you, we need to ask you some questions. Have you ever had a heart attack?
+Haven't we all?
+Strokes?
+None. No wait, three. Since the last one, I don't remember so good.
+Are you a smoker?
+Yes I am.
+You don't smoke!
+Sssh! I want her to think I'm cool!
+If I sign it, it still counts!
+My hemophilia!
+Uninsurable?!
+I'm not gonna worry just because Homer doesn't have insurance. A lot of people don't!
+Wifetime TV presents, "From Homemaker to Homeless..."
+Oh Roger, I just love our present lifestyle...
+Don't thank me, thank our many debts and obligations.
+Honey, stop kidding around. Honey?!
+Brenda, I'm afraid your husband had no insurance.
+Well how will I feed my family?
+You should have thought of that before you had children with a dead man.
+Oh, this is only based on a story. A true story!
+Brenda! Where's your wealth?
+Gone. Along with my sanity. But I'm still pretty, right? Right?
+The real Brenda later went to Harvard medical school... as a cadaver.
+We need to start saving!
+Go easy on that -- it's gotta last 'til you're five.
+"Budget-O's"?
+That's right. It's much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal. You just have to assemble it yourself.
+We saved fifty cents on that purchase!
+Mom, why are you so worried about money?
+Oh, we're just saving for... a very rainy day.
+You mean when the big tuna goes belly-up?
+Well, I just think we should be building a nest egg.
+Way ahead of you, Marge -- I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money. They should get here soon. I paid a bundle for over-night delivery.
+I have a book from the library with the same information!
+Okay. I'll just hire a haulage firm to cart them away... at my expense!
+Directory assistance?
+No more directory assistance! It's not free!
+Well, I'll get a lawyer on that. No, a whole team of lawyers. Who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.
+No more oriental mustard!
+It's so embarrassing Mom is making us wear clothes from Goodwill.
+Haw-haw! People died in those shirts.
+Hey, hey, hey. No outside suds!
+I'm sorry, Moe. Marge won't let me spend any money -- even counterfeit money!
+It's my money... I'm the one who earns it... drinking beer out of a thermos like an animal...
+Can you help me unload this soup from the car? There was a sale, so I bought four hundred cans.
+Marge, your penny-pinching rampage has gone too far.
+Oh Honey, I know it's not easy, but we've got to put money away.
+You can't enjoy money when you're dead, so why not have fun now?
+Don't you think you've had enough "fun?"
+Last year, you spent five thousand dollars on donuts, two thousand on scalp massages, five hundred on body glitter--
+Hey, I earn that money -- while you lounge around here, doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
+Oh please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around "Google"-ing your own name until lunch.
+You shouted it while we were making love! Now look here, Mister. I pay the bills, I do the budget, and I'm in charge of the money.
+Are you going to let her push you around?
+Yeah, show that skirt who's boss, see?
+Give us our independence, Homer!
+Yes, President Franklin.
+I, uh, was never president. I invented some kind of stove.
+Well, I invented a Popsicle made of Mountain Dew.
+Yeah, yeah, that's swell.
+My scrimpings!
+You banged?
+Did you spend our savings on a motor home?
+No, I spent our savings on the down payment for a motor home. I need a castle where I can be king!
+Well I hope you enjoy it, your majesty -- 'cause I'm not speaking to you!
+Dammit!
+Kids, your mother and I have decided to take a little break from each other. While we deal with our issues, I plan to go on "Motorhome Makeover" and trick this thing out like a palace, not like that dump you live in. All I need is for someone to start a show called "Motorhome Makeover."
+I see. You were mad enough to leave our house, but not mad enough to leave our property? That's my half-assed Dad!
+Hey, I couldn't leave you kids. You're like my own family. Now check this place out!
+Neat! When I sleep at Dad's, I call this bed.
+You can have it -- this one's way better.
+That's a bread compartment.
+You're a bread compartment!
+Kids, come back in the house!
+Oh, do we have to?
+I melted string cheese over some corn chips!
+Oh boy!
+I've got Gameboys and caramel apples!
+I'll let you sass me!
+I'll let you punch me!
+You can wear swimsuits instead of underwear!
+We'll have Christmas tomorrow!
+Woo hoo! Free gas!
+Well, it's a pleasure to meet another sultan of the slow lane. That's my rig over there.
+She's a Roam-a-way SilverCoach. Thirty-four feet of walnut-burled freedom.
+Boy, I wouldn't mind driving that to the Holland, Michigan Tulip Festival.
+I'm lookin' for a place to dock the beast. I don't mean you, Martha.
+I've never loved you either. We use jokes to mask our pain at the death of our son. Really.
+Hmmm. A place to dock, eh? I got room -- I have a back yard that makes my front yard look like an idiot.
+Can I bring the rest of the convoy?
+Are you crazy? Let twelve complete strangers live on my lawn?
+Well, we'll give you regional beers.
+It's a deal! Woo hoo!
+And there you have it.
+Welcome, welcome. If my wife asks, you're here for a Boz Skaggs concert.
+What are all these recreational vehicles doing here?
+These are my new friends. They like me for me... and my plumbing and gas hookups.
+Young lady, I like what you're driving -- is that one of them two-level Wander-Kings?
+This is a house!
+Hey boys, let's play her the RV National Anthem!
+Daddy, all the fumes are making me dizzy.
+Well now Roddy, the Lord wouldn't let us die this way.
+That's right, Ned. Now you three take a little nap while I make some hot chocolate.
+I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, MAN / I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE / OF TRAVEL, I'VE DONE MY SHARE, MAN / I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE / I'VE BEEN TO SPRINGFIELD, SHELBYVILLE, OGDENVILLE, CAP CITY, / OGDENBERG, SHELBYTOWN, SPRING CITY, CAPFIELD, / WEST SPRINGFIELD, PARIS, ROME, AND SHELBYVILLE ADJACENT...
+That's a lot of places.
+I know another place you can go -- to sleep!
+Sorry, Marge. We've got the power now. And you can't turn us off!
+Can't turn off the power, eh?
+SASHAY THIS AND FANCY THAT / WATCH THE DOG DANCE WITH THE CAT...
+Lights out, weirdoes!
+I was making a Monte Cristo sandwich when my crisper cut out. It's not golden brown, it's not brown, it's not nothin'. Damn.
+You don't belong on the lawn. You belong in your bed with your wife!
+That's no marriage bed -- it's a loveless slab of bossiness!
+Well, you're not perfect either!
+Name one way I'm not!
+You hide food in my hair... you think brushing your teeth is foreplay...
+I'll have you know I could have married Sideshow Mel!
+Boy, they're really going at it. Do you think they're gonna get divorced?
+No, I don't see Dad doing all that paperwork.
+I seem to recall you asked me to get this fat!
+Oh boy. Let's get out of here before Dad does a bad impression of Mom.
+I'm Marge Simpson. Don't eat off the floor.
+And I'm so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries. It was twenty years ago!
+That was my Woodstock!
+Captain, wait! I have something here that might change your mind!
+You know what started all this trouble? This motor home. How could a vehicle this cool destroy a marriage that crappy?
+Hey, I know this is a crazy idea, but hear me out. What if we...
+Take this back to the dealer?
+Wow, I was gonna say "call Reverend Lovejoy," but I guess this could work.
+Oh yeah, Marge? What about my womanly needs?
+Slowly, slowly -- the RV dealer is across town under that gorilla blimp.
+How do you know that's their blimp?
+Duh! It's Kamper Kong.
+Bob, word on the street is there's two kids trying to return an RV.
+Return an RV?! Return an RV?!
+Tie me to the Kong and cut its tethers.
+You don't take anything seriously. Not even your bankruptcy hearing!
+Hey, that judge thought I rocked. Case closed! Although my case is still open.
+If you need me, I'll be in my trailer!
+My RV is gone! It was more than a motor home. It was a car I could go to the bathroom in. Hey, a note.
+"Dear Mom and Dad: We don't want you guys to split up, so we're driving the RV back to the dealer." We've got to stop them.
+Oh, this is a parent's worst nightmare! They've stolen a car and they're home alone.
+Let's see, the RV dealership is across the freeway on the corner of... hey, this is a Flintstones Fun Map.
+Look, Dad wrote something: "Dino -- short for dinosaur? Remember to ask Jeeves."
+We're on the freeway!
+What are you showing me? Soup?
+Dad, Snowball's not fat. She's just got winter fur.
+Would you look at those Simpson kids? Last year it was Razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs. When I was a kid, my Mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts.
+Uh, I'm gonna say eggs.
+Shut up.
+Oh my God, there they are!
+Oh, I've lost them! I can't see past all the SUVs!
+Don't worry about the SUVs. There's a gentle curve up ahead.
+Bart! Pull over!
+We'll stop fighting, we promise!
+Prove it!
+Yeah, kiss and make up!
+We're not quite there yet, but we've opened up a dialogue!
+Not good enough! Kiss!
+French it up, lover boy!
+I'm not a machine -- I can't just turn it on!
+Oh, come here!
+Now pull over!
+First, raise my allowance.
+Why you little...!
+We're going downhill... and I can't reach the brakes!
+"Runaway Truck Lane!" We're saved!
+Ah, rats.
+Thank God for that Turkish freighter. Now we'll just go get 'em and...
+My kids are on your boat -- turn back!
+I see no kids. And we must get these season one "Northern Exposure" DVDs to Kahramanmaras.
+Help us!
+Bring back our children, you Cyprus-splitting jerks!
+Just for that, we keep your children.
+Will you raise them Christian?
+Coptic Christian.
+Three hundred cans of Budget Club mushroom soup! If you have some noodles and tuna fish, you could make a casserole that's small on price, but big on flavor.
+You are a wise woman. It is a shame you dress like a Lebanese prostitute. Return to the docks!
+Well, if he thinks he's getting a corner piece, forget it.
+Wow, Marge -- once again, your Mom-ly wisdom averted disaster.
+And I promise I will return this RV first thing in the morning. Easy... easy... easy... easy...
+Water damage -- can't be returned. I win again!
+Hey, it's only money. And it did make a cool splash.
+Marge, you're taking this pretty well.
+Dude, she seemed tense, so we put a little hashish in her meal.
+Which came first, turkey the bird or Turkey the you guys?
+If you don't want to say it, just think it.
+I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, MAN / I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, MAN / CROSSED THE DESERTS BARE, MAN / I'VE BREATHED THE MOUNTAIN AIR, MAN / TRAVEL...I'VE HAD MY SHARE, MAN / I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE / I'VE BEEN TO / RENO / CHICAGO / FARGO / MINNESOTA / BUFFALO / TORONTO / WINSLOW / SARASOTA / WICHITA / TULSA / OTTAWA / OKLAHOMA / TAMPA / PANAMA / MATTUA / LA PALOMA / BANGOR / BALTIMORE / SALVADOR / AMARILLO / TOCAPILLO / POCOTELLO / AMPERDELLO / I'M A KILLER / I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, MAN / I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, MAN / CROSSED THE DESERTS BARE, MAN / I'VE BREATHED THE MOUNTAIN AIR, MAN / TRAVEL...I'VE HAD MY SHARE, MAN / I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE
+You know, we should visit Shelbyville more often. They have a store that just sells shoes. I feel like I'm in Paris!
+Oh! The famous Shelbyville Theater District! Can we see a play?
+Play?! All plays suck, all the time, and always will, and everyone knows it!
+Look, we'll compromise. We'll go see a play...that Lisa doesn't want to see.
+Let's see. There's "Equus" starring Sideshow Mel... "The Three Dollar Bills in 'Gay, Gay, Gay!'"... ooh, "Song Of Shelbyville"!
+FROM THE SCHOOLHOUSE WHERE OUR GRANDPARENTS LEARNT / TO THE BAD ZOO WHERE ALL THE ANIMALS BURNT / WE'RE HOME TO CHRISTIAN, MUSLIM AND JEW / ALTHOUGH NOT MANY OF THE LAST TWO...
+THERE'S A GIRL FOR EVERY GUY!
+BIRTHPLACE OF THE BUTTON FLY!
+IN GOOD OL' SHEL-BEE-VILLE!
+Say, fellow Shelbyvillian. Enjoying our famous low humidity?
+I'll say. The only thing lower than our humidity are the greens fees on our public golf course.
+Which one?
+All three! Yes. Yes.
+Why look, it's Springfield Billy!
+I came here for the legalized gamblin'.
+But Springfield Billy -- we don't have legalized gambling here.
+Sure you do -- I saw a bumper sticker that said "Free Tibet."
+They're saying Springfielders are stupid hicks.
+It's like lookin' in a mirror.
+What's a mirror?
+It's a big city word for reversifyin' glass.
+That show was hilarious. That Springfield Billy cracks me up.
+For your information, Springfielders can be intelligent and articulate. I happen to know because we're from Springfield.
+Springfielders?!
+Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!
+Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!
+This is the worst crisis the Springfield Cultural Activities Board has ever faced.
+Those Shelbyvillians are maligning us all. I've never heard such mean-spirited hate-hoots.
+We've got to upgrade Springfield's image -- show them we're more than just a town that's still afraid of eclipses.
+Hey, how 'bout we open a fancy restaurant, and when people check their hats and coats, we steal 'em?
+Why do you come to these meetings?
+Free water.
+There must be something else. Think Marge, think. Culture... vulture... birds of prey... pray in a church... the father, son and Holy Ghost... ghosts are scary, scary rhymes with Gehry! That's it -- Architect Frank Gehry! He could build us a concert hall like he did in Los Angeles.
+Well, we could use a new H.Q. for the Springfield Philharmonic. They're playing Gustav Mahler in abject squalor.
+Little help?
+Next time we're keeping it.
+Then it's agreed! We ask Frank Gehry to build us a concert hall!
+Bill, bill, Bilbao bill Snoopy stationery!
+Dear Mr. Gehry: Would you please build a concert hall for our town? We may not be the biggest city, or the prettiest, but we were the first city in America to abandon the metric system!
+Frank Gehry, you're a genius!
+Behold the new Springfield Concert Hall!
+And none of this would have happened if not for a letter I received from one little girl.
+I wrote that letter.
+You wrote I was "the bestest architect in the world"?
+Well, aren't you?
+All in favor of building a thirty-million dollar screw you to Shelbyville?
+Get off my masterpiece, you punks! I'll call your mothers!
+Yo, Frank Gehry! Like curvy-linear forms much?
+Hey cat, get your own pants!
+Kids! Why's the cat so fat?
+Okay, she's fat.
+Can't breathe... someone dangle some string!
+I'm so excited. It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron.
+Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started!
+So? We already heard the "dum dum dum dum"! The rest is just filler.
+I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie "Beethoven." Was I sadly mistaken.
+Sounds better on my cell phone.
+Don't leave now! The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass!
+You stupid hicks! Why didn't you tell me you hated classical music?
+We didn't have time.
+The concert hall was designed and built so quickly!
+We're broke. But I have a plan -- we change the name of the town to escape our creditors. I need names, people!
+Lima, Peru!
+Gotham City!
+Wiggumville!
+Burger King!
+Perhaps I can be of assistance!
+Smithers! Tear me a new drape hole!
+If you hand over the concert hall to me, I'll assume the debt and all of your problems will disappear.
+The building is yours.
+Excellent!
+He's turned it into a prison!
+Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot!
+Let's see now... barely finished high school, you've challenged me to fight six times since the interview began...
+Make it seven!
+Mr. Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothin'. All you have to do is pass this drug test.
+Cool, but I'll never pass with this. I'd better switch samples.
+Simpson, I haven't seen so many drugs in a wang since I ran a Chinese opium den!
+"Crack, smack, uppers, downers, outters, inners, horse tranquilizers, cow paralyzers, blue bombers, green goofers, yellow submarines, LSD mach three, and trace amounts of human urine!"
+There must have been a mistake. My body is a temple.
+Guards! Remove this coked-out man balloon from my sight!
+But he misread my pee! He misread my peeeee!
+We're not overfeeding her. We've been giving her this low-fat cat food!
+I'll bet she's sneaking food from someplace else! Let's follow her!
+I'd rather follow the dog. I think he's up to something.
+One thing at a time, Bart.
+There you are, Smokey!
+Snowball II has another family!
+This is worse than when we thought Mom was having an affair. It turned out she was just going to the library to cry.
+Now she just bottles up her misery like a normal mom!
+Gentlemen, my prison is losing money. We need more convicts in the dungeonareum.
+Dungeonareum. That's catchy. Well, I could beef up arrests by enforcing some of these old forgotten laws.
+Okey dokey. Let's see here... oh, here's one from eighteen thirty-four: "It's unlawful for a man to be hatless during daylight hours."
+Ah, Smithers, if I didn't arrest you that night in the park, I'm not gonna arrest you now.
+Stupid prison guard job thinks its so big. Everyone gets a prison job but me. All my best friends are guards. They think they're so cruel and corrupt, but they're not.
+Sometimes I go to the movies alone.
+Okay boys, here's a loony law from nineteen eleven: "Five kicks of the same can shall be considered illegally transporting litter."
+That's a hard five. All units move in.
+We're puttin' you away, Kicky Mantle. And give that can the whole C.S.I. treatment. You know, lab tests, weird lights, shots from the can's point of view...
+Yeah, that's it. Lots of flash and no meaning.
+Okay, new meat, you're clean.
+I'm not supposed to be new meat. I'm supposed to have your job.
+I'm sick of you positing an alternate reality!
+No Frank Gehry-designed prison can hold me! Ha ha!
+Oh my God! That man might be hurt! Guards, there's a prisoner in there!
+Nice nab, Simpson. You did the right thing squealin' on that guy.
+Squealin'? No, I just wanted to help him.
+Whatever. How'd you like to be a full-time rat?
+Really? You mean eat cheese, gnaw through electrical cords, things like that?
+Not exactly.
+Mr. Burns, I've thought about it, and I don't wanna be a snitch. It's not an honorable life.
+Now, now, there are perks. A private cell, extra dessert... and this adorable little hat.
+Well, I am a sucker for a little hat.
+So we have an agreement?
+Well... I don't know.
+It's the only way you'll survive in here.
+Well, I would like to survive long enough to see the effects of global warming. I've got an inside tip that it's all a bunch of crap. Okay, you've found your snitch.
+Excellent! Now, what have you got for me?
+Homer Simpson has become a snitch.
+Tell me something I don't know.
+Say, is that a gang tattoo? I thought those weren't allowed.
+Yeah, it's a gang I was in as a kid. G.M.S. Galactic Mystery Solvers. The only mystery we couldn't solve was how not to grow up.
+That's right, an unauthorized tattoo. I came here right away.
+Very good.
+Here ya go! Forty-two inch plasma TV as a thank you from your uh...
+Your uh, mother.
+Who? Oh, that "my mother." Tell him thanks.
+Okay, Tattoo Man. It's a month in the hole for ya.
+Solitary confinement? But without my weekly canasta, I'll die! It's my raison d'être.
+Ew, Smokey. You've got that awful smell on you again.
+Hey, that's the smell of her real family! The Simpsons! And for your information, our walls have a bunch of dead raccoons in them. But we are saving up the money to find them!
+Well, whatever. Smokey's our cat.
+Smokey, stay!
+Now back. Heel!
+Snowball does tricks?
+Sure. C'mon Smokey, do your Smokey shuffle.
+Well, I don't care what you say, she still loves us more. Don't you, Snowball?
+You toyed with my heart like it was a toy heart.
+Gentlemen, we must determine which of our fellow inmates has become the Rodentus Incarcerarium.
+You heard the boss. Find the rat.
+I found the rat, and he's right here.
+I ain't the rat, I'm the pigeon.
+I thought you was the mole.
+No, you're thinkin' of that guy who was the canary. But we can all agree, we work in a business with a very rich lexicon.
+Rich lexicon. Very rich.
+Ooh, a Tiffany's box! And the thing inside is from Tiffany's! Homie, you've never done this before. How'd you afford it?
+Well, if you really must know...
+I'm a prison snitch.
+Haven't you seen what happens to people who rat in prison movies?
+Sure, they're on top of the world. Then there's a big riot scene. Then I don't know, I usually doze off.
+The prison snitch is killed! And that could be you! Because you're the prison snitch!
+What are you dopes lookin' at? You've never seen bling-bling before?
+What is it that they have that keeps Snowball coming back to their house?
+Only one way to find out.
+My baby turtle crawled into your basement window.
+Oh, you poor boy. What's your turtle's name?
+Uh... apron, boobs-face?
+Really. Well, let's go find him.
+And what's your name?
+Uh... shoes, butt-back?
+Pssst. There's a jailbreak tonight.
+How come nobody told me before?
+I sent you an e-vite. You never responded. Nice netiquette, jerk.
+There's gonna be a breakout tonight.
+Very good. Now I'd like a little more information.
+Are biographies arranged by author, or subject?
+What is Bart still doing in there?
+You forgot to take some brownies!
+Thanks, Mother Dexter! I'll be back tomorrow.
+Bart, why were you in there so long?
+Lis, that place is great! They have a jukebox in the basement! And look at the trick they taught me!
+Are you watching? Are you watching?
+When they come bustin' out, we'll be ready. Every single guard is outside waitin' for 'em.
+Something don't feel right. Usually when there's a jailbreak there's electricity in the air. Like the calm before a summer storm.
+Or right before a heavyweight fight.
+Mine's more poetic.
+Now, where the hell are they?
+KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT. KILL THE RAT.
+What happened to the guards?! Okay, okay. Don't panic. Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant.
+I call the balls of his feet!
+Marge, they're gonna kill me! I only did what I had to do to survive... in a style befitting a French monarch.
+Fly, Segway! Fly!
+We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot? Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary, where our expensive Thermocam 3000 is finally being used for something.
+This red glow is the heat from a pack of inmates who are desperately looking for prison snitch, Homer Simpson...this massive blob over here, who is attempting to hide in the kitchen area. Good luck, blobby.
+KILL THE RAT! THEN HAVE SNACK! KILL THE RAT...!
+Homer! Homer, where are you?
+Marge! How did you get in here?
+As President of the cultural board I was given a key to the concert hall.
+There's the filthy rat we're gonna kill. And his wife, who sometimes drives my son home from his school.
+Oh, you must be Michael's dad!
+Marge, c'mon!
+We'll be safe in the gas chamber.
+I want you to look into the faces of those poor men -- each one is a life you made worse with your ratting.
+Marge, I'm sorry I got you into this mess. Can I snitch on my heart and say... "I love you"?
+Oh, Homie...
+Tear gas! My one weakness!
+You can come in, Governor.
+Well I'll make these rioters regret their folly. This prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons. Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia.
+Done and done, sir.
+Hold on a minute. Governor, I've been using my powers of snitching for evil. But now I want to tattle for good. This prison is a hellhole. They feed us horse meat -- with traces of jockey meat!
+I'll have you know I buy the finest cuts of beef.
+The guards are sadistic and cruel!
+I can't help the way I am. When I was a boy, I saw my father murdered before my eyes. By me.
+Governor, I think the only fair solution is to pardon all these thugs and murderers.
+Well, since there's no room in the prisons you came from, I'm releasing you all to a garbage barge, where you will bare-knuckle box till one of you emerges as king of your floating hell.
+You know what I missed in the joint? Just lying here watching you sleeping sweetly... sleeping sweetly...
+...sleeping sweetly...
+I won't tell if you don't tell.
+Listen to me! This whole building is unsafe. They cut corners everywhere. People, it's a death trap!
+No Dad, you fell asleep in front of the TV watching "The Towering Inferno."
+How do you know the title of my prophetic vision?
+Hey Lis, there's your boyfriend.
+Oh yeah? Well, there's your girlfriend.
+Yeah, well you love Moleman.
+No, you do. You're gay for Moleman!
+You're gay for Moleman!
+No one's gay for Moleman.
+Where are we?
+You're gay for Moleman!
+Bart, Lisa, welcome. I've been expecting you.
+Your gasps are appropriate, for I have perfectly predicted the future!
+How did you know we were coming?
+Because my dear, I have mastered the one true science... astrology.
+Don't you mean astronomy?
+No, my dear, I said astrology.
+For years, you see, astrology was the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of the sciences... not so good. But with new, more powerful computers, astrology can show you the future!
+Would you like to see yourselves as teenagers?
+Let's go there now.
+Feast your eyes on the wondrous world of eight years from Tuesday.
+Kids, come down for your prom photo!
+Oooh. Smile!
+Oh it's so great. We can do anything now that scientists have invented magic. I'm so proud of you. Lisa, graduating two years early, and Bart... graduating.
+What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
+Homer, we're separated now. You can't just walk in without knocking.
+Well, maybe I was partying so hard with my single friends last night, I forgot the rules.
+Why? Is it messing you up?
+Homer, just settle down. We just got a postcard from Maggie.
+She's really enjoying Alaska.
+Stupid wildlife, serves 'em right.
+Lisa, your date's here!
+Milhouse?! Uh! I've been turning him down for the prom since kindergarten.
+Uh, yes. You relented at age twelve when he pulled you out of a house fire. Which you later found out he started. You should have seen the look on your face. In fact, here it is.
+Now, back to your teens.
+Hey, everybody. Bart, you are lookin' crook-ed!
+Hey Jenda, how 'bout some forehead?
+Oh, that was jagged.
+When I was a kid we didn't show our affection by head-butting.
+Oh, Marge...
+Oh, right. Separated.
+Ach. Who knew that bio-engineered food would to lead to smart puke?
+You think you're better than me, eh puke?
+Uh, it didn't seem fair to choose.
+Haw haw!
+Haw haw!
+Welcome seniors and sexually precocious underclassmen. I'd like to say goodbye to those who are going off to college, or to fight in Gulf War Five: "Operation Find Our President's Head."
+U-S-A! Find the head! U-S-A! Find the head!
+And now, here's Assistant Principal Kearney.
+Okay, I want a nice, clean prom. That means no booze, kick, puff, doze, maxx, stim or turb. Remember, "Stim Kills."
+Hey Lisa.
+It's what turned Superintendent Chalmers into a vegetable.
+Skin-ner! Skin-ner! Skin-ner! Skin-ner! Skin-ner! Skin-ner!
+I can use the potty now!
+Your brother is so hot.
+Oh, sorry, Lisa. Sink activate! I love your dress. Soap activate!
+Bart tells me you got into Yale. Sink terminate!
+Oh yeah, that's the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing Christmas.
+I don't.
+So, any plans after graduation?
+Travel.
+Do you need a traveling companion, perchance?
+Travel cancelled.
+Whoa, look out! Bart, are you sure about this limo driver you hired?
+I can fly! I can fly! Just kidding, I know I can't fly. I can glide, though!
+Bart, don't be nervous. Sex on prom night is as American as our fifty-first state: Saudi-Israelia.
+That's really sweet... but marriage is a three-year commitment. I mean, do you even know what you're gonna do with your life?
+Stop telling me that.
+Yeah, even though McDonald's owns Yale now, it's still a great school. And I could never afford to go there if I hadn't won the Montgomery Burns Scholarship.
+Yeah. I miss Christmas.
+Bart, I hate to say this, but I think outgrew you.
+Just this minute.
+Okay, love birds. Break it up.
+Hey, this one's alone. Ha. What a loser.
+Aw... you want some chicken? Just grab it with your hands, go ahead. We're not fancy here.
+I'm tired of this. I wanna look at a different future.
+Son, sometimes people just grow apart, like me and your Mom.
+She'll realize she was a fool, when...
+Hey! Come back with my patio furniture!
+Stupid flounders. Hey, I've got a great idea. We'll find some new lady friends.
+C'mon, boy, we're hitting the town. After decompressing, of course.
+There's a DVD player but it doesn't work.
+I know! It's a hover car!
+All right! You guys are my new best friends.
+You wish, loser!
+Hey Moe, hey Moe-clone.
+Hiya Homer. / Hi Homer.
+Hey, hey, hey! I don't pay you to socialize.
+Oh right. You're the people person.
+Watch it with the attitude, Mister. You came from my back fat!
+Boy, I think I see my two favorite letters of the alphabet. E-Z.
+You moron! Why did I ever think I needed a clone?
+Hey, I'm not the clone, you're the clone!
+Oh please, not this again.
+Son, say hello to Edna.
+Oopsie.
+Want it to get weirder?
+Good call, Bart. We can both do better.
+Bart, maybe you should listen to this.
+Oh! Now I have to start over.
+Oh, I am so glad you think so.
+Kids... I want you to know I've started seeing someone. He's from Springfield, I think you know him...
+Hey hey! Krusty the Clown is dating your mom!
+Is that robot break-dancing?
+Tell me about it. I broke up with Milhouse.
+Look, if you want Jenda to take you back you should show some initiative. Get a job.
+Armpit noises are not a language.
+Look, my point is, show Jenda you want to be successful and she might take you back. It's never too late for love.
+What Lisa's problem? Milhouse mother say Milhouse handsome!
+You missed a spot. Do it again!
+I'm Anoop, you racist cracker!
+Bart, I need you to make a delivery to an elderly shut-in.
+And to get there, you must go through the forbidden zone.
+No, no. The one with the uni-clams.
+Don't move, teenage Bart.
+I've got you covered with my phaser-slash-cell phone.
+Dude, this is totally not the time to call me... I don't know, some kinda pasta... look, just get me what you're having, all right?... ew, not that.
+What soups do they haaave...
+Oh blessed urchin! How can I reward you?
+No, sorry. My diamonds are going to be retro-morphed into coal... the most valuable substance on earth. I know. I'll send you to Yale, with the Monty Burns Scholarship.
+Don't be so quick to say no. The ladies love an ivy-leaguer...
+Oh yeah!
+Once I home-invaded this Princeton dude, and he was like totally married.
+Well, I guess an intensive four-year bachelor of arts program is the easiest way to get Jenda back.
+The one what?
+Hello, Smithers. Nice of you to drop by... after my life was saved.
+Sir, you knew I was on a date.
+No, I'm straight now. As long as I take these injections every ten minutes.
+I love boobies!
+Hey, I didn't do anything! Yet.
+You've wrecked my life! / You're gonna wreck my life!
+Hey Marge, why are you with Krusty? These kids are too old for clowns.
+Actually, Homer, I'm... into your lady.
+Hey, man, she's not my lady anymore. We split up, it's all cool, I... I'll kill you!
+Once they destroy each other...
+...then we make our move.
+Yes, we make our move. What? A spider got into the cloning machine.
+Attention everyone. Please welcome our Valedictorian, Lisa Simpson. She will be attending Yale...I mean, Hot Dog on a Stick Management Camp.
+That's odd. You get into Yale and Lisa can't go anymore.
+Hey, what can I say. I love learning.
+Bartholomew Simpson!
+Come and get your diploma.
+Much better.
+It's so great that Yale has finally forbidden men from taking science. Now let's see, should I major in Femistry or Galgebra?
+What? I don't want to go to the same college as you.
+Bart, now that you've graduated I can finally say this: you really press my cider.
+Yo, Bart! Good to see you're back with Jenda.
+They each had twins.
+Listen, girls... um, I'm goin' out for a pack of cigarettes.
+Isn't that what your father said the day he left you?
+Yeah. I never understood why he did it... 'til now! I'm comin', Papa!
+Haw haw!
+Lisa had no right to break up with me. I'm not the first guy to get a nosebleed during a slow dance.
+Well, don't take too long. I think this might be our special night.
+Bart, what's wrong? You seem distracted.
+M-hm. What are you thinking about now?
+I never had this problem with Todd Flanders.
+Why did Lisa dump me? Is it because of my small calves? They're the hardest place to add mass!
+Do you think Lisa might see that now that she's got nothin' else?
+Boo yeah! Time to strike while the iron is sad!
+All right! Three hours to blast my quads!
+Li-sa! Li-sa! Li-sa!
+I'll tell you what would be romantic. Making love for the first time.
+You know, I was thinking of taking a poetry class at the community college.
+Forget it. I had to sell all my marrow to pay the light bill.
+I didn't have much marrow.
+Listen, Bart, if you leave me now, I can guarantee one thing: your future won't have me in it.
+Sorry, we're ghosts now.
+Our spirits live in those two trees.
+Or, maybe we're alive and we just feel like jerkin' you around.
+Or maybe we're one of each.
+Yeah, I'm starting to see that.
+Really?
+Um, have you eaten onions lately?
+Well... okay. I guess this is my destiny.
+Oh, that's so noble. But what about Jenda?
+Not going to Yale isn't the end of the world.
+No, I mean, you're screwed! Your only hope is to clutch at straws! Straws who've always loved you.
+And you will! At the age of eighty-three. You die one minute later.
+And my brain is put in a...
+Pauper's grave.
+Well Bart, I really appreciate what you're gonna do for me.
+But what happens to our parents?
+Marge, I thought you'd never take me back after what I did to Krusty.
+You mean get beaten up by him?
+Exactly.
+And I'll admit, it is kinda romantic under the sea.
+You don't know the half of it.
+Oh, this sucks. I want to see Vice-President Cletus.
+You want me to attend the funeral of the Sultan of Brunei? I would consider it my honor. Brandine, pack my evenin' britches. We goin' to Brunei!
+Hey, hey, hey, no enjoyin' it!
+Kent Brockman here with Stormwatch Six. Professor Frink, what's the scientific explanation for this unusually severe thunderstorm?
+Well Kent, we are uh exploring two theories at this point: a) either we have a supercell of high pressure fronts or b) God is bowl-ing! With the balls and the pins and the rental shoes and the very bad cheese pizza that comes in squares.
+Krusty, what's your light-hearted take on our recent bad weather?
+Sorry Kent, I sold all my "bad weather" jokes to Jay Mohr. But I can make funny sounds in your microphone.
+There you have it.
+Homer, do something about this leak!
+Don't worry, Marge -- Hot Wheels to the rescue!
+The water flows down here, through the straightaway, a couple of wicked S-turns...
+Around the loop of death...And out the mail slot! Then it's the yard's problem.
+My hamster!
+You know Homer, I let a lot of things slide, but when you can't keep a roof over your family's head, you're just not much of a father.
+I was gonna have my classmates over for a homework party, but now my refreshments are ruined.
+Goodbye, college!
+He was supposed to be in a show-and-tell this week. That's not gonna happen!
+That teddy bear survived three safety recalls, but it couldn't survive you!
+Aw, that's it. I'm going to Moe's!
+It's raining outside.
+It's raining inside!
+Lousy cat.
+Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's one place I'm always welcome.
+FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW...
+Aw, guys. This is just what I needed.
+This ain't for you, sweat stain. It's a surprise party for Lenny, thrown by his closest friends.
+So what's Stephen Hawking doing here?
+I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesar's down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza. Sorry. That button sticks.
+So why didn't you invite me?
+We couldn't tell you ahead of time, because you'd spill the beans.
+I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny.
+Surprise? What surprise?
+Way to go
+Six years' planning down the drain!
+I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me.
+Hey, watch what you say about him. I think Ray could be the one.
+Oh great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like Lenny's favorite barstool, and you wreck it.
+Well, I can see I'm not wanted here.
+Wait, Homer! Don't go.
+Okay, beat it.
+Who wants ass frosting?
+No thanks, I'm on Atkins.
+My family hates me... my stupid friends kick me out of their stupid party! They'll all be sorry when I invent the world's best-tasting cola... and share it with no one!
+A sign!
+Finally, a bar for men who like to drink and look at sexy women.
+Welcome to Knockers, hon.
+Let me know if you see anything you like.
+Read the sign, pre-vert.
+I'd like a beer and a sympathetic ear.
+I got my own problems. I just lost this eye last night.
+How did it ever come to this? I'm the first man ever to feel depressed in a bar. I don't have a friend in the world.
+Look at the size of that nacho plate!
+I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.
+The sun.
+Hey, you wanna split this?
+Wow, it's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am.
+Mine. Oh, move your hand. I get this!
+Hey, my name's Ray -- Ray Magini.
+Ray, you know me better than anyone. How can I get my wife to love me again?
+Beats me -- I'm no marriage counselor. Just a licensed and bonded roofer.
+Ray, will you help me fix my roof?
+Sure, I'll help ya, under one condition -- you gotta help me finish this pitcher of beer.
+Wait, did I add that right?
+Now, for my first act as President...
+To my new buddy. Now all we need is an awesome theme song. Whatever plays next on the jukebox.
+DO THAT TO ME ONE MORE TIME / ONCE IS NEVER ENOUGH / WITH A MAN LIKE YOU...
+Next song. / That's what I meant. / Absolutely.
+Homer! I woke up to find an owl eating a mouse on the pillow next to me.
+I think that means six more weeks of Autumn.
+It means you have to fix the roof!
+Don't worry, honey. I found us a roofer last night, and you'll never guess where.
+Knockers on route 98.
+How did you know?
+I'm psychic. Look, I don't know if I want a roofer who hangs out in bars.
+You're right, Marge -- I guess I should look for roofers at poetry slams and yoga retreats.
+High-five!
+Eh, I got standards. I don't hand out high-fives like Chiclets.
+Ray would high-five me.
+Well, he better high-five our roof!
+Yay, Mom!
+Come on, kids! We're gonna visit Grampa. Then we're gonna take the dog to the V-E-T...
+...then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.
+I'll tell you what it means when it's over.
+Hey, Homer.
+Oh Ray! You came at the agreed-upon time.
+That's what I like about you, Homer. Everything impresses you.
+"Impresses." What a big word! I'm gonna look that up.
+Ah, this is gonna take some work. Tell me, was the roof in good condition when you bought the house?
+I didn't really check. I mainly bought this house for the view.
+Some day that bowl will overflow, and I'll be there.
+Okay kids, we only have time for a quick visit to Grampa, so as soon as he feels loved, we're outta there.
+Oh, he must smell leftovers.
+Please, we call them "senior citizens."
+A dog? What a nice surprise! I'm gonna pet you raw!
+Can we keep your dog? Please?
+Keep my dog? Till when?
+Not too long, just till we die.
+Well, he does seem happy here...
+Also, gerontological studies have demonstrated that animal companions can slow the inevitable decline of--
+Yeah, okay, thank you. Why don't you go find a parade and rain on it?
+Sorry about that, pal.
+No problem. Accidents happen.
+One, two, three, four -- I declare a nail war!
+This is why I got into roofing!
+Hey Homer!
+Ned, are you okay?
+Yes... but my mower can't get much lower!
+I was wrong!
+That's Ned Flanders. There's one in every neighborhood.
+Oh sorry man, I gotta go. This says my kid attempted something. I hate the way these things cut off.
+Goodbye, Ray! Bye! Oh, he turned the corner. Ooh! Now I see him again!
+You're drooling on my Goodwill pile!
+And why is the hole in the roof even bigger?
+Don't worry -- Ray'll be back any minute.
+It's after six -- he's not coming back. He's a lousy roofer and a flake!
+My new best friend. We think alike, we act alike, we finish each other's sandwiches...
+I don't want to hear any more about Ray. Tomorrow morning you buy some shingles and fix that roof yourself.
+Ray's not gonna like that.
+You're not married to Ray!
+Well if I was, we'd have taller kids!
+I'm sure everyone's happier with Santa's Little Helper here to love them.
+Yeah, I bet the old people will be acting like young people, like in those cell phone ads everyone hates.
+He's become one of them!
+Hey boy, want a treat?
+We better get you home. Come on, Lisa.
+Right after Pat Sajak.
+Geez Louise...
+You know it's too bad. We've had that dog as long as I can remember.
+What dog?
+Who the hell are you?
+I wish I knew.
+You know son, my dad used to take me down to Johnson's Hardware. Old man Johnson knew everything about fixin' stuff. When they built this place, he hung himself.
+Oh sorry, son. I wanted you to bring me the stack of tiles from the top shelf. Hey, Ray's here!
+Hey Homer! Look, I just came down with a case of shingles.
+What's in the box?
+Hey, I'm real sorry I never made it back yesterday. I hope we're still friends?
+Of course we are! If you wanna be.
+Well, I wanna be if you wanna be.
+I tell you what, let me get a few more supplies, then I'll come right over and finish your roof.
+How you feeling, sweetie?
+Hey Dad, remember when you said if I used a chainsaw unsupervised I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else.
+I have forty-five minutes to get ready for the prom.
+What are you doing? Why aren't you fixing the roof?
+I don't have to -- Ray's gonna be here any minute.
+I'm so sick of hearing about that stupid, unreliable Ray! Who, by the way, I've never even met!
+All right, then you can just look at the portrait I painted of him.
+Homer, how did you think I'd feel when I saw that?
+Something like that.
+Homer, come down for dinner.
+Did you make enough for Ray?
+Ray's not coming!
+He is too! His truck's gonna come around the corner riiight now. Right now. Right now. Now. Now. Nnnnnnnnow. Now.
+Now. Now. Nnnow.
+Homer, I know where Ray is.
+Oh thank God. Where is he? Tell me!
+Sweetheart, your friend Ray is in your head.
+Ray wouldn't fit in my head -- he's a human man.
+You have to understand -- Ray doesn't exist.
+Yes he does. He's on his way and when he gets here, we'll have ever so much fun! You'll see!
+Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, how we'll laugh!
+Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
+What's going on? Where are my shoes?
+Struggle all you want, Homer. There's nothing you can do.
+Excuse us for a moment.
+What am I doing here? Let me go!
+We'll let you go when you admit there is no Ray Magini.
+Fine, I admit it. Help me, Ray! Appear and strike them down!
+Homer, no one has ever seen Ray but you.
+But that's not true, Bart saw him at the Builder's Barn.
+No I didn't, Dad.
+I saw you talking to yourself.
+Flanders, you saw Ray on the roof with me!
+Sorry, Homer. You'll have to call me a Ray-theist, 'cause I don't believe I saw him.
+Ned, are you okay?
+There has to be someone who saw him -- someone who doesn't hate me like Flanders and Bart... Wait! The bartender at Knockers.
+I called that bosom bar. The bartender said you were there alone.
+Ray's a figment of your imagination, Homer. You felt lonely and unappreciated, so you made him up.
+And here's the clincher... Ray Magini is an anagram for "imaginary."
+Wow. My subconscious is a genius. Well, that's all very convincing, and...
+I'm afraid this calls for electro-shock.
+Electro-shock?
+Actually, the technical term is electroconvulsive therapy.
+Well, that's a world of difference. Light me up, doc!
+When you're gettin' juiced, can you hold my turtle? I wanna bring him back to life.
+Aw, what did he die of?
+I'unno. He was dead when I found him.
+Homer, that's just to bite on, not to eat--
+Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so good.
+That was rubber covered in Vaseline!
+Marge, write that down so we can have it at home.
+We can't begin this treatment soon enough.
+Do you see anyone here who isn't here?
+Nope, just you, Marge and Yogi Bear. Kidding!
+Well, I see your sense of humor's not affected. That's a very bad sign.
+Not real.
+Oh sorry, Homer. But recent historical evidence indicates that Robin Hood did not actually exist.
+Fascinating!
+You kids can relax. Your father is fine now.
+Fine and dandy?
+Well, his dandiness will slowly return, with time.
+Oh kids, I heart you, too!
+Man, I'm glad to be off that electro-shock table. Although to be honest, I did enjoy lying down.
+Hello, Homer.
+It's Ray! I see him again! Monster! You don't exist.
+Hey, no one calls me a monster and questions my existence!
+The awesome power of the human mind.
+I see Ray too.
+So do I.
+Uh-oh. Well, I'm not worried. You've already agreed not to sue me for anything.
+When did I agree to that?
+You did when I validated your parking.
+You didn't validate my parking.
+Check and mate.
+So, Ray does exist?!
+That's right. Now let's explore the improbable series of events that led to this amusing, yet tragic farce.
+On account of my eye patch, I couldn't see Ray sitting at the bar.
+All I saw was you, eatin' and drinkin' and talkin' to yourself.
+And Ned, you didn't see me because I was hiding behind the chimney.
+Gee, I thought my vision was perfect. And here I was, worshiping false eyeballs.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait. How come at Builder's Barn I saw Homer talking to thin air?
+Well, that... hm.
+I can answer that.
+I've been tracking a tear in the fabric of space-time, which combined with airborne pieces of metal at Builder's Barn, to create a miniature black hole. This anomaly interposed itself between Homer and Bart, causing a gravitational lens which absorbed the light reflected from Ray the roofer.
+That seems... feasible.
+Wait, there's still one last thing that doesn't make sense. Why did you start fixing our roof and then just disappear?
+That's easy -- I'm a contractor.
+That's right -- you're all crooks!
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all crooks. It's true.
+Wait a minute. I went through a lot of pain and suffering because of this little misunderstanding. Somebody owes me big!
+Well, Homer, I could make it up to you... maybe a free eye-scraping.
+That's a given! There's something else. Something much more else.
+Homer, can I please knock off? I've got surgery in the morning.
+Not if those gutters aren't clean, you don't.
+So as I was saying, Homer, Mondays, nine o'clock, CBS. They say everybody loves that guy, but I don't get it.
+What are you talking about?
+Hey, I'm just sayin', catch it while you still can.
+What time's the show on?
+It's Monday, nine o'clock, CBS.
+And what's the network?
+At what time?
+Nine o'clock.
+And if I wanna watch it, what day?
+Monday. Monday, nine o'clock.
+And this is on the radio?
+No, television. Mondays at nine. On CBS.
+And if I wanna see it, what time should I watch it?
+Nine o'clock.
+On what channel?
+What day?
+Monday.
+On the radio?
+Television.
+Turn the television to what channel?
+At what time?
+Nine o'clock on Monday.
+Now if I wanted to see it on a certain day, what would be the best day to see it?
+It's only on on Monday.
+And what time? Would be a good time to see it?
+Nine o'clock. It's from nine to nine thirty.
+So if I turn my radio on at nine o'clock...
+Not the radio, television.
+So it's Mondays at nine, on NBC.
+Nine o'clock.
+On the radio.
+Television.
+Television at three o'clock.
+And we are done.
+Somethin's comin', Sarge. Somethin' big!
+Stay strong, men! The United States is due to win a war sometime.
+Oh good Lord, it's a Swingline!
+Skinner!
+Yes, Superintendent Chalmers?
+Do you know what today is?
+Yes! Of course I do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU / HA--
+It's not my birthday, Seymour -- you know I'm a Sagittarius!
+Oh my God! Look at these ingredients!
+Really? I'm a Libra. There's a lot of compatibility there.
+Skinner, be gay on your own time. Today's the day we choose who gets the school's vending-machine contract! I anticipate quite the dog and pony show.
+Sir, this school has a strict no-animal policy. I assume these are hypothetical dogs and poni?
+Yarr. Everyone likes a gumball machine, so why not a gumbo machine? Yarr.
+Yarr! Does your school nurse treat burns?
+It couldn't be simpler! Kids write down what they want, put their money in the can and I take the bus to the supermarket, and bring the snacks the next day! Huh?
+Is that a yes?
+Kids want a snack that skateboards, won't clean its room, and hates homework.
+That's why we created Scarf-ables by "Scammer and Z-Dog!"
+These two spokes-rebels were invented by the marketing team that came up with Hip-Hopsicles... the urban Popsicle.
+Yes. I saw those when my normal grocery store was on strike.
+Well, here's what really seals the deal.
+Yo, yo, yo! Slide your green into the machine. And don't expect any change, dog!
+It's like a fundraising school bake sale -- with slang as the Saran wrap!
+And a subsonic neuro-jammer to disrupt the child's judgment center.
+Fair enough. I assume these snacks are nutritious?
+That's really none of our business. The bottom line is, half the profits go to your school or camp.
+You heard the lady. Just sign the damn contract.
+Wow, Krishna Krisps, Amazonkers, Lollapalollipops -- these sound like my kind of snacks...
+Ooh, Dalai Lamanade!
+"Hydrogenated petroleum oil, monosodium poisonate, partially de-weaponized plutonium?!"
+Attention, duped masses!
+These new vending machine snacks are crammed with processed sugar, industrial byproducts and trans-fatty acids!
+Don't flava-hate, participate!
+The machine makes a good point.
+Don't be a follower -- be a snack swallower!
+It's fun to obey the machine!
+Way to go, dude! You're five cents away from an awesome beverage or snack.
+Oh, I'm outta money! Willie! You wanna buy my skateboard?
+Eh, why not? For once it'll be all eyes on Willie.
+Look at me, I'm an American boy! Uh-oh, stairway!
+Hey, I'm getting' it. No, I'm not! Okay, I'm all right. Aahh, I spoke too soon! Aaah, that's better.
+What are ya lookin' at, ya bastards?!
+Bart, I spent all afternoon stuffing tuna fish into that steak. Have some.
+No thanks -- the vending machines at school feed me now.
+Oh, so I've been replaced by a machine?
+Marge, no machine could ever replace you. Why you-- or could it?
+Marge-bot! I'm ready for some lovin'!
+Why did I give her a gun? But I repeat: no one is being replaced by a machine. Until all the kinks are worked out.
+Well until that day, I'm still Bart's mother, and I don't like him stuffing himself with junk.
+Oh, fine.
+My heart! It hurts so much! Like it's caught in a vice!
+Aw, my little boy's in love.
+I think he's having a heart attack!
+C'mon, son. You can fight this. Do the Bartman. Do the Bartman!
+Why don't you dance? Dance?!
+Doctor, little kids aren't supposed to have heart attacks. They're supposed to skin their knees, and poke their eyes out, and be smothered by cats.
+Well Bart had a heart attack, and it's his own damn fault.
+These dark spots in his pulmonary arteries are malted milk balls.
+His liver looks healthy.
+That's a wad of Laffy Taffy.
+Now when Bart goes home, he's gonna have to follow a program of strict diet and exercise. Dammit, I will not bury another patient!
+Doctor, you're a pediatrician!
+Yeah, but my head's been somewhere else this year.
+Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yep.
+Okay. We'll start with a routine stress test.
+Bart, how can you laugh at that? You just had a heart attack!
+Yeah, but what does not kill me makes me stronger. Wow, that was a lot of words -- I need some energy.
+Hey hey, kids! Heart disease can strike anyone, including heavy-drinking, chain-smoking clowns. That's why I had the doctor install a zipper!
+Aaagh! The zipper's stuck!
+Oh, I shoulda gone with the button-fly.
+I talked to Dr. Hibbert today. He gave me a list of heart-smart foods.
+Ko-ta-hay cheese?
+Cottage cheese!
+Yuck. From the looks of it, this cheese has already been eaten.
+Aw honey, please take this seriously. When people used to ask me how you were doing, I said "at least he's got his health." Now you've got nothing! Nothing! For me, please try a healthy vegetable.
+Okay Mom, for you, I'll try.
+Okay, now we know you're allergic to cauliflower. But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you.
+It's graffiti you can eatie!
+You get better, son. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be going to the "library."
+Where are you really going?
+Milkshake Festival. Look, you can see the booths from your window.
+Today only, free milkshakes for ten-year-old boys! Drink your own weight in milkshakes, and win a milkshake!
+I'd better tell Dad.
+Lisa, take a picture of me with all the milkshakes. C'mon, everybody get in here. Hurry.
+Um... maybe Mom's the way to go.
+Intervention!!!
+What the family?!
+Uh son, we're here to help with your... which addict-a-diddily-diction are we goin' after here?
+Overeating. And if there's time, we'll get to my drinking. But there won't be time.
+I'm tellin' you, Bart, one vice leads to another. And then you wind up like me: so jaded, the only thing that gets you off is free-basing ground-up moon rocks.
+All this does is get me to normal.
+Thank you, Krusty. Once again you've delivered an important message wrapped in entertainment. And I'm so touched that all of you would take the time to eat my shorts, lame-o's!
+Help! Kidnappers!
+They're not kidnappers! They're professionally trained child-snatchers, who are taking you to a maximum-security fat camp.
+I'm not fat!
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I'm facility director Tab Spangler, United States Marine Corps, retired -- but not tired!
+Guess how old I am. Come on, take a guess.
+Forty-seven?
+I hate when they're over.
+Even on the nose hurts!
+Wow, he's just the kind of weirdo Bart needs.
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your boy is going to need one thing --
+Tough luck.
+Don't you mean "tough love?"
+Tough love? Of course, this has never made sense! The sign shop guy lied. Stanley! You didn't question the word "luck?" Now look what we've got. Thanks for the correction, that's part of the honesty.
+Son, I just wanna leave you with a piece of advice -- become emotionally dead. Leave your body. Make lots of friends!
+Wake up, fatties! Stop dreaming about butter -- dream calories are real calories.
+All right, here's how this exercise works. You tow me around the track.
+As we gather speed, I whip you gently, you state your name and tell me how you got so heavy.
+Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. I gorge on kettle corn during the sports and weather!
+We know! Your side-fat's startin' to spill over to channels five and seven! I hope you're getting' three paychecks.
+Bart Simpson, I'm just big-boned.
+No such thing.
+Growth spurt?
+Doesn't exist.
+This can't be legal!
+It's legal enough!
+Jimminy Kimmel! Look how much they're charging for Bart's treatment!
+That freeloading fatso! Marge, could you cut back on your makeup budget?
+I already use crayons for lipstick, and fireplace soot for eyeliner.
+So that's where my soot went!
+This fat camp can save Bart's life -- we have to find a way to pay for it. Homer, maybe you could ask Mr. Burns for a raise.
+Even better, I'll ask him for my job back.
+I know how we can raise money!
+Youth? I hate them. Secondly...
+How much is costed for stay-night-of-one?
+How much is got, Wolfgang Schmuck?
+Let's see here. I can offer you uh, fifty dollars a week.
+Fifty dollars? What about all the water you guys will waste with your bathing and showering and washing your clothes?
+Yeah, we don't uh... is not a problem.
+All right, try this. As you scoop your ice cream into the trash, tell it you hate it! Talk to it. You think I look like what?! What's the vanilla saying? No, I'm not that old! Come on, talk! Let's hear ya!
+Here's the scoop -- your Haagen Days are over. I'm baskin' in your pain as I'm robbin' you of life.
+Son, I'm gonna tell you a story about a young man who came here and failed. Well, that is the story. I shouldn't call a sentence a story. Anyway, it's you!
+Look, I'm really, really sorry. Now let me get that ice cream off your shoe.
+Young man, there's something I have to show you. In one hour. We have to drive there. No talking on the way. It'll hurt the drama.
+Can I just...?
+Shh! Drama!
+German backpackers?
+Dude, you've changed.
+Homer, you were right!
+You see, son, every family has to make extra income when they send a child like you to a place like mine. You're lucky this is just a youth hostel. We had one family who had to take in dry cleaning. The chemicals killed their dog! Well that's what they told us in the lawsuit. I don't see a dog living past fourteen anyway, do you?
+They can't see or hear us, right?
+We're not the Ghost of Christmas Past, Bart. They can see us. If I were invisible, do you think I'd waste my time with this belt/shirt combination?
+Excuse me, we're looking for Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. I'm sorry to say, this is their son.
+Oh, so he's the strudel-sucking globbenheimer who has bankrupted them with his expensive treatments.
+Strudel-sucking globbenheimer. You need to think about that. That's what the human race thinks of you.
+Problem number thirty-five with America: no universal healthcare. Number thirty-six: no metric system. What is this, the time of Charlemagne? Answer me! Answer me now!
+Oh, my God.
+Come on, let's look for your Dad. Then if we have some time, maybe we'll look for mine.
+Güten abend, my brave, Bavarian Overlords. The best wurst in town.
+Here's your tip, Baldylocks. If you want it, dance and sing.
+NEUNUNDNEUNZIG LUFTBALLONS / AUF IHREM WEG ZUM HORIZONT / HIELT MAN FUER UFOS AUS DEM ALL / DARUM SCHICKTE EIN GENERAL /
+Whoo! Yah! Das is good. More, more!
+They want a second verse. I hope he knows it.
+EINE FLIEGERSTAFFEL HINTERHER / ALARM ZU GEBEN, WENN ES SO WAR / DABEI WAR DA AM HORIZONT / NUR NEUNUNDNEUNZIG LUFTBALLONS
+Oh, this is all my fault. I'll never eat junk food again. I swear!
+Good for you. That's what I want to hear. It's time to take action. I'll meet you later, son. I'm gonna get the car washed and try to meet... somebody.
+Yo, I'm gonna cap a pop in your ass!
+I'm ending your vending, Dog.
+Bart, what are you doing here?
+I learned my lesson -- Mr. Spangler showed me the true cost of my junk food addiction.
+But... you're still fat!
+Not for long -- I'm saying goodbye to Scammer and Z-Dog. I've learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you.
+Did you hear that Foxy, the Fox network Fox?
+When I raged against the machine, money poured out.
+Oh boy.
+Marge, I know this is ill-gotten, but can we use it to...
+To give these Germans das boot? Jawohl!
+Uh, please to have new facecloth. Schnell.
+Time to take out the Euro-trash.
+Oh no, who will put up with our nonsense now?
+To Disneyland! Where we will heap the scorn on Goofy!
+Now, everything's perfect again.
+Excuse me, I think I left my belt here.
+No you didn't.
+Don't tell me "I didn't." That's my lucky belt. Long story. Good one.
+Folks, you have three weeks left on a non-refundable weight-loss treatment. So if anybody else in the family wants to use it, use it now.
+But who else needs to lose weight? Maggie? Grampa? My seldom-seen half brother Herb?
+Why is everyone looking at me?
+I am not too fat. I'm alive, aren't I?
+Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from...
+"PSI" -- Poor Self Esteem. It's not "I." Every sign is wrong!
+Oh, that's terrible.
+We got a long drive ahead. You wanna pull off into a motel? We'll split a room.
+Where will I sleep?
+We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed! My goodness! No wonder you eat.
+What are you eating now?!
+Cheeseburger.
+You're a catastrophe. Lemme have half of it.
+I don't wanna.
+I just want the cheese, I don't want the meat. I do want the meat.
+Here's a corner.
+I mean, just bite it, don't rip it. Lemme have the whole thing. You'll get some later.
+You're a selfish jerk.
+I smelled it, it has to be eaten.
+But it's my burger.
+I'm driving. I'll kill us.
+Fine. I'd rather die.
+Call the police.
+I need change for a dollar.
+No change without purchase.
+What's the cheapest thing you've got?
+A two ounce bag of chips. Five ninety-nine.
+Five ninety-nine?! What a rip-off! Someone should shoot you!
+I was hoping we'd miss the three o'clock hold-up. I don't know what to do for dinner now.
+Maybe we could shop somewhere else. There's a farm stand next door.
+Interesting. It's like a corndog without the dog.
+Put whatever you want in this burlap sack.
+You may not. That's my baby carrier.
+They's so traumatized, I'm takin' 'em for a walk in they stroller.
+Well, I think this family should try more vegetarian meals. We'd feel better and live longer.
+Vegetables, you've been promoted from side dish to entrée.
+I don't miss meat at all. This Portobello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery, fungus-like steak.
+Marge, I'm giving birth to a food baby.
+I feel like something crawled inside me and took a crap.
+Bart, don't use that word... Oh crap.
+I brought you some weak tea and dry toast.
+No fair, Lisa didn't get sick.
+It's 'cause your bodies are so used to processed food it's a shock when you eat vegetables full of vitamins, minerals and trace amounts of bug feces.
+I think it's staying down. It's staying down! It's not staying down.
+Wait. Yes, it's staying down. Oh no, it's not! Yes it is. No it's not! Yep. No. Yep. No! Yep. No! Yep. No. Yep. No. Yep. no.
+Stop it! You'll all feel better if you get a little sleep. Now, close your eyes...
+Where's my bucket?!
+HUSH, LITTLE BABY, DON'T SAY A WORD / MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A MOCKINGBIRD / AND IF THAT MOCKINGBIRD DON'T SING...
+AND IF THAT DIAMOND RING TURNS BRASS / MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A LOOKING GLASS
+Lisa sings so sweetly and Bart is my pillow... everyone's good for something.
+Looks like you guys are on the mend.
+Yeah, 'cause we're through with vegetables. From now on, I'm only eating food that I know had a soul.
+Hey hey, kids!
+Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice?
+Ruthless, pushy parents?
+A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh God, I know that void. Then you were born to enter Krusty's Little Starmaker Singing Competition!
+Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.
+The winner will be animated into an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon!
+So enter today -- especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!
+I'm-a comin', Krusty!
+Lisa, you should enter that contest. You've got a great voice. It made us all feel better.
+Thanks, Bart. That's really sweet.
+I think I puked up all of my meanness.
+Praise the Lord! I'm on the road to recovery.
+I hope we didn't camp out here for nothing. It's like every kid in Springfield showed up.
+Don't worry about the competition, sweetie. Whenever I enter a contest I tell myself I'm going to win because, sometimes, if you believe hard enough, God cuts you a break. After all, he works for us. Our prayers pay his salary.
+And if I win, I'll be on Itchy and Scratchy...
+En garde!
+Nicely done, Wind-dancer. But seriously, cruelty to animals is no laughing matter. You can make a difference!
+Spay and neuter your pets!
+And remember, save the violence for cartoons!
+For details, log onto PETA-dot-org.
+All right, kids. Let's do this quick. After this, I gotta record twenty-seven seasons of DVD commentaries. And I remember nothing!
+Today, we'll pick the lucky children who will get to compete on the air. I was going to be your celebrity judge, but then I realized I'd have to pay attention. So instead, we'll use the Applause-O-Meter. Eh? Eh?
+Now, let's get this over with!
+A-B-C-D-E-F-G / HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE. Thank you.
+I can't believe I used to date him.
+Lis, you're a shoo-in.
+HUSH LITTLE BABY, DON'T SAY A WORD / MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A MOCKING BIRD THAT'S GONNA... S-I-I-I-I-N-G! YES, IT IS, Y'ALL!
+AND IF THAT MOCKING BIRD DON'T SING / MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU A DIAMOND RING THAT'S GONNA SHI-INE, SHI-INE, OH HOW IT SHINES SO BRIGHT!
+Oh God, I miss Lisa's cat so much.
+Lisa, that sounds like a fancier version of the song you're going to sing!
+And she's giving us the emotional experience of a lifetime. Oh, thank you for this angel, Lord!
+YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAHHHH/ NOOOOO...
+This contest is moot. A Li'l Star has been made!
+When she sings a C, it's a C! Unlike a certain glee club I've wasted my life on!
+Well, I may not know much, but I do know talent when my producers point it out to me. We have our first contestant: Clarissa Wellington!
+There's no way I'm gonna beat her.
+Why? Just because she sings like Whitney Houston brought to life?
+Don't lose hope, sweetie. I'm gonna write you a song so great, you can't lose. And that's not just the beer talking. Your father's in here too.
+WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN...
+Which one are you, the man or the woman?
+Questioning the kid's sexuality -- well done.
+Here you go, honey. Sing this.
+How did you write a song so quickly?
+Much of the tune is plagiarized. Now go, go, go!
+I'VE BEEN TO PARIS / AND LONDON AND TOKYO TOWN / BUT ONE CRAZY BURG / HAS 'EM ALL BEAT HANDS DOWN...
+Jacksonville?
+I'M TALKIN' SPRINGFIELD / YOU CAN BUY CHIMICHANGAS / TALKIN' SPRINGFIELD / THE CHICKS HAVE BIG GAZONGAS
+THERE'S TIRES / ON FIRE / A GUY NAMED APU
+AND SKINNER / AND GRAMPA / AND OL' DISCO STU...
+Did I forget to mention yoooouuu?
+You?! That's me!
+I'M TALKIN' SPRINGFIELD... WHERE NOBODY SUCKS! Except for Flanders?
+I get it, I get it! She's good!
+Looks like they love ya, kid. And the audience is always right! I wish I could say the same about my stockbroker.
+Ah, what do you jerks know? That's a quality joke.
+You did it, sweetie!
+No, we did it, Dad.
+I really do like working with you, Dad. Will you keep helping me?
+Of course, Sweetie. You and I are gonna write and sing our way out of this godforsaken Hellhole.
+But your song said you liked Springfield.
+I wrote it about Shelbyville, then changed the names.
+LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAA.
+Good job, sweetie. Every time you hit that note, I'll shoot a glass with my BB gun.
+I really appreciate your taking such an interest in me, Dad.
+Honey, our time together is precious to me. I didn't want to say anything, but I don't think I'm gonna be around much longer.
+Really? What's wrong?
+Well, Moe's getting a big screen TV in February. Just in time for the Pro Bowl. Maybe this time my beloved blue shirts will win.
+Is it possible to get a green spotlight?
+Sorry, sweetie. We don't have green.
+Let Daddy go talk to the man.
+May I have a word with you?
+Is that green enough for you, sweetie? 'Cause I can make it greener...
+No, it's fine.
+ALAS MY LOVE YOU DO ME WRONG / TO CAST ME OFF DISCOURTEOUSLY...
+That's Cameron. Girls go crazy over him. He's cute, unthreatening, and his smile brought a puppy back to life.
+Don't worry honey, the song I wrote you is so schmaltzy, it'll make "Moon River" sound like a farting Orangutan.
+MY KITTY DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE
+DADDY TOLD ME TO BE BRAVE
+BUT INSTEAD OF SINGING CAROLS / I WAS DIGGING SNOWBALL'S GRAVE...
+All right, you know how it works. Every week we eliminate one contestant based on the votes cast by you, the audience.
+Disclaimer: All ballots were lost and vote totals made up.
+The first contestant eliminated is... Katie Anderson!
+Katie, you were the first victim of the Buzz Cola trap door. Fall into the flavor hole!
+And the next contestant to be eliminated is... Clarissa!
+Yeah, it's you, honey. Please don't cry. Keep cryin', it's dynamite!
+Sweetie, tonight you were perfect...
+Marge, Lisa and I were just discussing how to improve tonight's performance. Now you're confusing her by telling her she was perfect.
+Mr. Simpson, I brought those Twizzlers you asked for.
+My little girl likes Red Vines! You little...
+You think I can't kill you? There's a hundred little punks graduating from Syracuse this year that would beg to kiss my ass! Get outta here!
+He's crazy!
+Hey, these are Red Vines. Here you go, sweetie. Daddy got you your candy.
+Homie, I'm worried you're turning into some kind of super koo-koo stage mother.
+Yeah. For once, couldn't you just turn into a good father? Would that be so hard?
+Hey, gimme a break. Living through Lisa is the healthiest thing that ever happened to me.
+But Dad, you don't need to help me by humiliating people.
+You love sausage but you hate to see it getting made.
+I don't like sausage.
+Then would you like to see it getting made?
+Dad... you're fired.
+Fired... me?
+Everything I did, I did for you.
+Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt, but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business.
+Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at? The tires I had to slash?
+No one asked you to yell and slash!
+It's called smoozing!
+Bart, you wanna go to the video arcade?
+Hell, I'll even go shoe shopping.
+Hey, come back! I'm calming down! We'll have family fun! Family funnnnn!
+Hey, everybody...I brought a guest.
+Someone who appreciates my in-your-face management style.
+Ha! Smart move. Soon the whole world will be lining up to suck my nose. After I make my new client a star.
+HEY, SIMPSON FAMILY How can I touch your hearts tonight?
+You're working with Cameron now?
+His name isn't Cameron anymore. He's now "Johnny Rainbow."
+Mr. Simpson, about that...
+I'm not Mr. Simpson. That ship has sailed. I'm Colonel Cool! And I'm the Captain on this rocket to the stars.
+So, are you a Colonel or a Captain?
+Neither. I'm both.
+All right, I wanna teach you a little something about jazz hands.
+Don't stop till it's as natural as breathing.
+Dad looks so happy.
+Actually, I think your father's still upset about the way things went down.
+Marge. Bart. Maggie. Santa's Little Helper. Lisa!
+Dad, I don't want things to be awful between us. I made you some cookies.
+I don't think cookies are gonna make me feel better.
+Oh God! Oh, they're delicious! Oh, so happy! Oh God, they're... They're gone.
+Hi! This lighting's a little bright. And um, could I get a red wash in the background?
+Uh, sorry hon, this is all we got. Who's next?
+We are!
+Flanders?
+Okay Morty, gimme a rose-colored spot, tight to the mid-chest and an aqua background with an astronaut on a surfboard.
+Sure. Sure thing, Mr. S.!
+Um, at the end of your song, remember to look into the spotlight. It makes your eyes twinkle.
+Thanks, Dad.
+You're welcome.
+This is our final night. Thirty contestants have already fallen through our Buzz Cola trap door.
+Let us out!
+Hey! You're supposed to clean this out every night! Whaddaya mean, talk to your shop steward? Eh.
+Now let's welcome the first of our two finalists... Lisa Simpson!
+Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. I didn't have my usual songwriter tonight...
+So I took a stab at writing my own song. Something that expresses what's really in my heart.
+Bernie, if you please.
+I'M IN THE FINAL TWO / I SHOULD BE HAPPY / BUT ALL I WANT TO DO / IS SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY PAPPY... NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE, DAD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH / AND YOUR THREATS AGAINST TEAMSTERS AND TECHIES AND SUCH / YOUR MANAGEMENT STYLE IS LIKE ATTILA THE HUN / YOU WERE VICIOUS, MALICIOUS, BUT YOU GOT THE JOB DONE...
+I'M SORRY I HURT YOU, BUT PLEASE DON'T BE SAD / YOU'RE NO LONGER MY COACH, BUT YOU'RE ALWAYS MY DAD...
+Even the Applause-O-Meter is crying.
+Oh God, that's battery acid!
+Dad, you know the best part about this whole thing has been the time we've spent together. I don't care if I win, just as long as you're in my corner again.
+I always was, honey. Look. Cameron's about to sing the song I wrote for him. He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.
+You're the boss.
+What the Hell?
+The baby I chose to have baptized is gone!
+I'M A PRIVILEGED BOY -- IT'S GREAT, I GOTTA TELL YA / PRIVILEGED BOY -- MY DAD CAN BUY AND SELL YA / IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU'RE ON THE LIST IN FRONT OF ME / I'M GONNA GET YOUR TABLE 'CAUSE I ALWAYS TIP THE MAITRE 'D / AND THEN I'LL GO TO YALE, BECAUSE I AM A LEGACY / I'M BETTER THAN YOU!
+You suck, Johnny Rainbow!
+I believed in you!
+Dad, you sabotaged Cameron for me!
+Sure did. I'd do anything for you, honey. Especially if it's easy.
+Well, I think you're the sweetest Dad in the whole world.
+I'll always be there. Not even death will stop me.
+Now you're getting creepy.
+How 'bout "I love you, honey?"
+Hey, kids! I scream, you scream, we all scream for...
+Haircuts!
+Mom, Bart and I have been talking...
+You have?! That's so nice!
+What Lisa's trying to say is... there's a new kids' barbershop in the mall, and we'd like to start going there.
+A kids' barbershop? But they don't have my templates.
+Yeah, the templates had a great run. But we'd like our hair to look like um... people hair.
+Oh. I see. Well, good luck getting to your precious mall barber, 'cause I'm not driving you.
+Kids, wanna go to the mall?! They're baking fresh Cinnabons... which means they're throwing out the old ones!
+I guess I'll just cut my own hair.
+WHO WANTS THEIR HAIR CUT? / WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? / WHO WANTS THEIR HAIR CUT? / WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? / WHO WANTS THEIR HAIR CUT? / WHO? WHO? WHO? /
+Which side do you want your part on?
+Left! Right! Stab! Stab! Stab!
+Bart, you look worse than Aunt Patty in the morning. And there ain't nothin' looks worse than Aunt Patty in the morning.
+Can you make me look like this?
+My bad-boy spikes!
+My good-girl points!
+The best photographs, or "photos", will be prominently displayed in the school lobby all year long.
+After 'em!
+Oh, I love you, Dumpster-bons.
+Oh, big surprise. The fat guy's eating garbage.
+Come on -- we'll hide in the theater!
+Well, I guess you didn't find anything interesting to photograph.
+Check it out! The principal's got a shirt wiener!
+Leave your body, Seymour. Leave your body.
+"Left Below." Ooh, a "He Is Risen" production!
+I wish you'd come to church with us, sweetheart.
+Church? I'd rather play golf on the holiest day of the week.
+Finally, a character I can relate to. I bet good things happen to him.
+But, honey, with recent troubles in the Mideast and other ominous signs, the Rapture could soon be upon us.
+The Rapture? Easy there, Helen. Science has shown religion is just an old wives' tale.
+I'm sorry, but the only thing I'm praying for is that you take it easy on our credit cards.
+Oh, Mr. Thompson, what if your wife finds out?
+Hey, it's modern times. Everyone's doing it.
+Where did my Christian limo driver go?
+My pious husband is missing!
+Mr. Thompson, what's happening?!
+It's the Rapture, Shawna. The Rapture. The virtuous have gone to heaven, and the rest of us have been... left below!
+Left below?! Where have I heard that before?
+It's the title of the movie.
+It's everywhere!
+We were fools! And because we rejected God -- tacitly accepting Satan -- we must suffer through the Apocalypse.
+I thought all religions were a path to God. I was wrong!
+Why did I put my faith in science and technology?!
+Why did I choose to be gay?
+This movie will haunt me for the rest of my life, just like Cannonball Run Two.
+Marge... what if the Rapture is coming and I haven't led a good enough life? I could be... left below!
+Sweetie, don't worry. God wouldn't spring the Rapture on us unannounced. He'd send us signs, like, I don't know, all the dogs getting on a spaceship and leaving.
+Yeah, I'll bet the cats would be psyched about that. Thanks Marge, you've put my mind at ease. Now how about a little "rapture" for Mama?
+Ooh, I could be the Rachel to your Jacob.
+Okay, but it's tough for me not to think about their hardship.
+Marge is right -- the Rapture isn't coming! There haven't been any ominous signs!
+Follow me!
+It's just not workin' out, Barry.
+Yeah. I guess I'd better study for the police exam again.
+Good luck.
+You too.
+Blood is raining from the sky!
+Hang on there, big fella! We'll save ya!
+This ain't personal, I just love to scrimshaw.
+Judgment day is at hand.
+Can I help you? We're having a sale on Bible magnifying glasses.
+Begat. Uh, do you have any books on the Rapture?
+Yes, this one is fifteen per cent off.
+I'll take everything you've got!
+And would you like to take advantage of our "Friends of Flanders" discount?
+No, thank you.
+Here's a pretty little wig for Lisa, and a handsome toupee for Bart!
+So, you still think I'm crazy for saving all your hair trimmings?
+No, ma'am.
+Okay then. Let's get the rest of this hair back in the freezer.
+Homer, you didn't touch your second dinner tonight. And you're reading books! Word books! What's going on?
+Marge, the Rapture is nigh. These books will help me figure out how nigh.
+This whole deal is scientifically proven. The Book of Revelation has four hundred and four verses... add the number of people at The Last Supper...
+...minus the number of Filipinos in the Bible...And you get...
+He writes "3150518" on the board.
+Three million, one hundred and--
+Up bup bup!
+Three fifteen p.m., May 18th! That's when the Rapture will be!
+May eighteenth? That's one week from today!
+A week? That's...seven days from now!
+The world will end next week! Spend your children's college fund! Thaw that turkey now!
+This is Kent Brockman reporting live from downtown Springfield, where overweight doomsayer Homer Simpson is predicting the world will end... next Wednesday! Homer, what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk?
+Funny story, Kent. It's the end of the world! God loves you! He's gonna kill you!
+That must mean you're right about the Rapture too.
+Here's my angle: there's no way in God's Heaven I should get into God's Heaven. But maybe he'll let me in, if I warn others the Apocalypse is coming, as I previously shouted.
+I see. Well, we have thirty seconds left -- any other cuckoo yip yap?
+Uhhh...
+Here's one -- Revelation 6:13. Just before the Rapture, "the stars will fall to the Earth." So all you hippies out there might want to for that one.
+There you have it, folks. And if I can make a prediction of my own, this weekend's Springfield Lettuce Festival is gonna be bigger and better than ever. We've got romaine, ice berg, radicchio, and everyone's favorite, baby bibb. Even a few cabbages are getting in on the fun.
+Homer, I'm glad you're getting exercise, I just wish it wasn't crazy exercise.
+Marge, in a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
+Dad, we love you, but we just don't think the world is coming to an end. Yet. A hundred years, global warming... we're goners. But for now, do you think you could lighten up on this "left below" stuff?
+Well... I guess this thing does look pretty silly. Let's all take off our sandwich boards and watch TV.
+Live, from Springfield Stadium, it's Krusty the Clown's Celebrity Salute to Specials!
+The crowd is abuzz and agog as the celebrity blimp approaches. And look, here's America's favorite waste of taxpayer dollars -- the Blue Angels!
+What the...? The Blue Angels? I thought we were gettin' Charlie's Angels.
+Oh God! We're going down! I don't wanna die next to Kathy Griffin!
+The stars are falling to the earth!
+Just as you predicted.
+Well, that's our show for tonight.
+I'd like to thank all the very talented people who broke my fall. To all the fans of Los Lobos, mucho, mucho condolences.
+Goodnight everybody!
+Yeah, I was wonderin' if you could help save my soul. I've done stuff I ain't proud of. And the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.
+So, what are we supposed to do on Wednesday? Lie naked on our roof?
+'Cause that girl's school says I can't do that no more.
+When the time comes, we won't be in our homes...because we're all gonna go here.
+That's Springfield Mesa! It's fifteen miles north, past the Warren Harding Memorial Through-hole!
+Exactly. It came to me in a vision. Or maybe it was a drunken haze. Or, possibly, an ice cream headache.
+Well, well, well, looks like someone's having a pre-Rapture party.
+No, Flanders. It's... uh... a meeting of gay witches for abortion. You wouldn't be interested.
+All right, everybody. Pair up with a Rapture buddy who will watch your back through all eternity.
+Chief Wiggum, wanna be my buddy?
+What's wrong with Carl? Trouble in paradise?
+Dad, please don't go through with this. All through history, self-anointed seers have predicted the end of the world, and they've always been wrong.
+But sweetheart, I have something they didn't have -- a good feeling about this.
+It's all right, Lisa. Don't go. More Heaven for me.
+Lisa's going! We're all going!
+C'mon, Lisa. No one in this family is being left below.
+Wait for me! I'm a-comin'!
+Don't worry, Dad! There's a bus coming for you! Drive, drive!
+NINETY-NINE MINUTES UNTIL WE'RE ALL SAVED
+NINETY-NINE MINUTES TO GO / UNLESS IT TURNS OUT, THAT YOU'RE NOT DEVOUT
+THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE LEFT DOWN BELOW... NINETY-EIGHT MINUTES UNTIL WE'RE ALL SA...
+Wait for me! Wait for me!
+Okay, guys. Get ready! We're just seconds away!
+/ You saved us, Homer. / I can't wait.
+I'm gonna steal God's secrets and sell 'em to Satan!
+Six... five... four...
+I'm so proud of you, Homie!
+Two... one...
+Goodbye, stupid Earth!
+There appears to be some delay!
+Huh. My watch must be running fast. Wait for it... wait for it... wait for it...
+Wait for it... wait for it... wait for it...
+Wait for it... wait for it...
+Haw haw. Life goes on!
+Please don't go! Please? Please? I command you!
+Homie... I'd better start dinner.
+Lisa, you still believe in me, don't you?
+Dad, if you'll recall, I never believed in you, not for one second.
+Aw, that's my girl.
+Hey, Nostra-dumbass -- did the Rapture come? I can't recall. Oh, in fact I can recall, and it didn't, and you suck.
+Hey, Fatwad! Here's another thing you didn't predict.
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Let's go to Moe's. We'll walk and punch.
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Huh?
+Moe, what happened to your eponymous tavern?
+Yeah, funny thing, that. You said the end was comin', so I sold the bar to some Japanese businessmen and gave the money to charity. Now them orphans got new skip ropes, and I end every day smelling like eel. Cats are all over me. Thank you, though. You did me a solid.
+Hey, there's that jerk who tried to save us!
+Nice Rapture, Einstein!
+Hey, you with the tempura -- your arm broken?
+...Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen?! Twelve apostles... but Jesus was at the last supper too! This changes everything.
+Multiply by seven... don't forget to carry the six, six, six...
+Wake up! The Rapture is coming in half an hour! There's no time to waste! Marge, grill a chicken! No, make sandwiches! And some Kettle Chips would be nice! Original, not barbecue!
+We've got school tomorrow.
+Yeah, school.
+Forget school! We have to get to the mesa!
+We're not going anywhere, except to bed!
+But my prediction says--
+You couldn't predict six o'clock at five thirty! Now good night!
+Stupid family... won't even come to my Rapture... I went to Lisa's school play -- which had serious pacing problems.
+Three... two... one...
+Oh, I'm wrong again. I'm nothing but a big, fat... oh!
+Woo hoo! I was right!
+And there's the Earth. So beautiful with your many rings.
+Coming!
+Homer Simpson! Welcome to Heaven. Now let's get you some clothes, huh?
+I'm comfortable like this.
+Yeah, well this is Heaven. For everyone.
+This is our nature walk... our pedicure hut... our state-of-the-art showroom, tonight featuring Los Lobos. And over there is our water slide, that's coming next year. It's gonna be super fantastic.
+How come it's not open yet?
+Look, just don't use leprechaun labor. Okay? Don't do it.
+And the best part of Heaven is, anything you wish for, you get... lickity split!
+Okay, just for that, your room's next to the kiddie pool. All right, Mister smarty-head exploder?
+Thanks. Listen... could you do me one more favor?
+So if you need further assistance, just call the front desk and ask for Andre, okay?
+Oh, sorry, uh -- I'd tip you, but I don't have any cash.
+You know you could wish for some.
+I could.
+Wait! Before you go, there's one thing I gotta know. What happened to my family?
+Heaven has a wide array of fine dining just steps from your room. Have a light bite at the Pope of Sandwich Village.
+Okay, let's see... Earth is channel twenty-three, I think.
+Why didn't we listen to Dad?
+The worst part is I'll never see my Homie again!
+That's the worst part? Then I'm not doing my job.
+I've gotta save them.
+Homer, what's wrong?
+Lord, you got a first-class destination resort here. Really top notch. But I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.
+Oh, don't tell me about family suffering. My Son went down to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to Him, but He hasn't been the same since.
+Oh, he'll be fine. And you could still spare my family by--
+Buddy, you just made yourself a powerful enemy.
+Hey, what's the big idea, pally? Why so crabby?
+Screw you, Dino! You squandered your gift!
+Squandered my gift? I made sixty-eight albums.
+I'm sorry. But Heaven isn't Heaven without my family in it.
+What do you want, Homer?
+Just send me back to Earth, and put off this whole Rapture hoop-de-do for another couple of years or so.
+But it's already started. To do what you're asking, I'd have to turn back time.
+Superman did it.
+Fine, Mr. Smarty-pants. I will undo the Apocalypse.
+You want me to help you with your alcoholism?
+No, I'm in a good place with that.
+Why don't you just take these pamphlets?
+Yeah, I'll definitely read those later.
+Now listen, if you could just see your way clear to...
+Very well. Deus ex machina!
+It was all just a dream.
+But what are these wings? Oh, it's just a seagull stuck in my back.
+Dad, we've been so worried about you!
+The Warren Harding Through-hole never seemed so long.
+Yeah, I missed you guys too. Now if you'll excuse me...
+Thank you, Lord! It's back the way it was.
+Ah... this is heaven.
+You're listening to Nationwide Public Radio. It is now two o'clock...time for "Verbal Tea" with Amy Levine-Gonzalez.
+Oh boy! This is what sunny Sunday afternoons are for!
+Today we'll discuss a dying form of Peruvian banjo music...
+...with Dartmouth banjologist Stefan Whitmore.
+It's just uh, it's not that good.
+In our second hour...
+Humorist David Sedaris takes a wry look at overcrowding in America's prisons.
+Prison overcrowding, I've got a solution for that. Oh my God! U-S-A! U-S-A!
+But first, we're giving away tickets to the latest film by acclaimed director Mladzieul Klernt.
+Her films are so lyrical! The phone lines are gonna be jammed.
+Winner of the Romanian Film Festival's prestigious Golden Bucket...
+Holy crap, someone's actually calling!
+Hey, I won four free movie tickets! And it starts in half an hour!
+Free movie tickets?! I feel like Roger Ebert, or his kiss-ass new partner!
+But we don't have a sitter for Maggie.
+She'll be fine here under the watchful eye of Grandma Shark Week.
+A TV shark is not a babysitter!
+How about this guy?
+Howdy, Homer. You here for a viewin' of my shampooin'?
+Shut up, Flanders, I need a favor. Would you mind watching Maggie for a while? It would only be until later.
+Oh, sorry, but I promised to rewind videotapes for the poor.
+Come on Flanders, doesn't that "Bible" of yours say to "love thy neighbor"? Why won't you love me?
+All right, neighbor, I'll baby-sit.
+Thanks, Ned.
+You wear a bathing suit in the bathtub?
+Yeah, so I can't see my own shrinky dink.
+Makes sense.
+Instead of video games they have weird free newspapers.
+Mom, am I a "butch" or a "fem"?
+Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
+This theater sucks. My seat's uncomfortable, the screen's only half a screen, and that guy's eating an apple!
+Would you care for a segment?
+Ah a dee po vdaes pharae.
+Pur kutu tu kahm zeelee.
+Oon yahm mu a vyaetur sae vaetu yaetah.
+What language is this? Gibby-Gabby?
+It's Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it "commercial."
+Mom, I don't wanna read -- it's the weekend!
+I've had enough -- I'm leaving!
+I'm stuck. Why did I eat that apple segment?
+Oh-uh-uh... sorry Maggie, that's something to collect, not enjoy. It's one of my Humble figurines.
+He scampered out of Parade magazine and into my knick-knack nook, and uh, well his little buddies soon followed.
+You like 'em, huh? Come on, I'll show you the other three hundred.
+How could this have... oh.
+I feel so much empathy for those villagers. They had to drink their own tears...
+I was so bored I cut the ponytail off the guy sittin' in front of us.
+Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm thirty years old and I made six hundred dollars last year.
+Bart, don't make fun of grad students -- they just made a terrible life choice.
+Judas Bear, you're not touching your Last Supper.
+I can't eat because my conscience is heavy.
+Boys, enough of your shenanigans. It's bedtime.
+Ned, let me give you a little something for babysitting.
+Oh, I can't take money from a neighbor. Although, business at the Leftorium's been pretty slow since that big chain store came to town.
+You've got a big house, Ned. If you need extra money, why don't you rent out a room?
+Well, it might be fun to be a landlord. Landfella -- there's only one Lord!
+I need a place to crash while my Mom's dryin' out.
+Well, I'd love to help you out, but you do have to be over eighteen.
+I am. Check out my I.D.
+Wait, this is my license!
+No it's not, ya hump!
+Well, I do appreciate that you've got a cashier's check... Now, do you have any pets?
+I am Katja and this is Vicki. We make much study at community college.
+We're, like, here about the room? We moved out of our dorm, because it was, like, co-ed? Sometimes we saw the boys in their robes.
+You poor thing! I've heard about those robes -- flapping everywhere. Girls, welcome to your very own Ned and Breakfast.
+Silly talk means yes?
+Here's your room, ladies. You can catch some Z's while you earn those degrees.
+You rhyme like Snoopy Dog.
+Well, thank you.
+I know what we can ask Jeeves -- why does he suck?
+Hey, a banner ad!
+Sexy Slumber Party dot com?
+It's flashing -- we better click it.
+Katja, do you think anyone's watching?
+If they are, they will see us explore our sexhood without restraint.
+Hey, this is one of those dirty websites.
+Two girls? Who would want that?
+You may inside come!
+I got phi beta cappuccinos for Ned's pre-meds!
+Flanders?!
+That's odd.
+I coulda sworn I just heard someone shriek my name.
+You heard nothing!
+Oh, that's better.
+Spank me again with little boy's picture.
+What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying.
+Scantily-clad co-eds?
+Why you little... I'll teach you to have a libido!
+Dad, look who's in there!
+He doesn't even know what's going on!
+Wait'll I tell everyone about this! I'll feel important without drinking! That'll be weird.
+What a combination -- hot chicks and stupid Flanders.
+And you say Mr. Flanders remains completely ignorant of their dot-kama sutra?
+Yep, and nobody's tellin' him. Not even his good buddy God.
+Boy, nothin' is sexier than still photos in a girlie magazine. wha?
+Sensual, isn't it? And the best part is Stupid Flanders doesn't even know it's happening in his stupid house. Hence my nickname, Stupid Flanders.
+Hey Moses, are you a loser?
+Yes I am, Homer.
+How are those two comely boarders of yours, Ned?
+Well, Mel, they're swell.
+Oh yeah! They're just what my laptop needed!
+Son, I need to pee, but I can't stop watching. Fetch me a bottle.
+C'mon, Dad. I've seen you hit the toilet from here.
+What are you two doing?
+Uh, we're watching the latest photos from Mars. Ho, great stuff. Worth every billion.
+Bart! Turn away from that screen and look out the window!
+No problem-o.
+It's happening in Ned's house! Why would he allow that?
+Well that's obvious. He doesn't even know.
+C'mon. You tell him right now. Ned, Homer has something to tell you.
+Uh, I'm thinking about getting a yogurt franchise. It's called "Plops" and...
+You know what I mean.
+Okay. Flanders, you see...
+You soft-core sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature. And sullied the internet by putting pornography on it!
+Get out!
+The whole town is laughing at me behind my back. I guess you're the only real friend I have.
+Are you kiddin'? Homer's the one what wised us up to the sexy goin's on.
+Homer, is this true?
+Ned, I had no choice. It was just so funny!
+The Bible says "cast your bread upon the waters." But all I got was a bunch of soggy bread.
+Mmm... soggy br--
+Don't say it, Homer. This is not the time.
+...ead.
+What's wrong, Daddy?
+Well, Toddy, you know how I said our friends are like the Canaanites? Today I realized they're more like the Midianites.
+I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.
+"Made in Humbleton, PA." I don't usually make big life decisions based on things stamped on things that I bought at a garage sale. But corndog it boys, it's time for a change!
+Dad, I don't think you realize what you've done. You've totally humiliated the best friend the Simpsons ever had.
+You're right. But you know who the real victim is here? Ned.
+That's what we've been trying to tell you!
+Oh yeah.
+What's this? Goodbye Springfield...
+The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. You have laughed at us for the last-diddily-ast time.
+Last-diddily-ast? He's gone! And it's all someone's fault!
+Everyone new begins here, in the dimple department.
+Well, Homer, you've driven away the best neighbor a family could ever want. But at least we have a chance to start fresh -- so let's be on our best behavior, okay?
+Don't worry, Marge. I've taken every precaution.
+This is so humiliating.
+Well, at least your name's on the bowl.
+I submit! I submit!
+Hi, I'm Homer Simpson. I live next door. So, is that your whistle?
+Damn straight. Clay Roberts. I coach wrestling, so everyone calls me coach.
+Um, listen, uh, neighboreeno, I want to start our relationship off on the right foot, so if you need anything... anything at all...
+What jag-off left this here?
+Boys, we're home!
+That's coming from next door!
+Don't worry, I'll straighten things out with Coach Clay. We're good buddies. We play this game called "who can punch the softest?" And he always lets me win!
+Hey Coach, do you mind turning down the music? My baby's trying to take a nap.
+That's too bad, 'cause my twins are just wakin' up, dude.
+Encourage me!
+Lookin' good... feel the burn...
+Louder!
+You're a god!... I can't think of any more!
+Just say "Go! Go! Go"!
+Go! Go! Go!
+Say it like you mean it, you wuss!
+Howdy, Humbletonian.
+Picnics and Pixie Stix!
+I'll see your smile and raise you a wink and a giggle.
+This town is sweeter than a cake made of pie. Even the dogs curb themselves.
+Can I start yesterday?
+There is one personal matter.
+I'm afraid you'll have to lose the uh... hippie lip.
+Get rid of Dr. Fuzzenstein? Why, I couldn't dream of thinking about considering...
+I'll see what I can do.
+Very good. Until then, you can wear this.
+Daddy, why do you have to shave your nose neighbor?
+You know what? I'm not gonna. My mustache has the right to life -- it's my body and my choice!
+This is for you.
+Tonight on "Celebrity Chop Shop," we sell the parts off Jason Bateman's Bentley.
+What did you do to my car?
+Dude, you've been Chop Shopped!
+Why would you do that? How'm I gonna get home?
+Chop Shop! Chop Shop!
+Hey, you knocked out my power. How am I supposed to eat without watching TV?
+Yeah, something tells me you won't starve. Huh? Huh Chief? Huh?
+When are you gonna stop poking me? Will it be soon?
+Relax, dumbass. Oh, by the way -- I borrowed some gas from your car. You dumbass.
+But I siphoned that gas from Flanders! Flanders...
+Huh? What are you doing? Reminiscing... like a woman?
+Like a woman who's made the biggest mistake of her life.
+Homer? What are you doing here?
+Oh, I was just driving around the mid-Atlantic states, ringin' doorbells at random, and I just... oh, who am I fooling with my awesome lies? I want you to come back to Springfield.
+Why? So you can make me a laughingstock again?
+After the party.
+No, I wanna make you a respecting stock. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've borrowed a lot of your stuff over the years...
+Well, that is true. In fact--
+Shut up, Flanders. But some things I could never take from you: your kindness, your gentle spirit...
+...and your infinite patience with a big, dumb jerk like me. Oh, Ned, I don't deserve you as a neighbor, but will you forgive a young, handsome fool and come home?
+Homer, that's really touching. But my boys and I are trying to make a new start, and the people here are a little more my cup of...
+Are there letters to pick up? Or no letters to pick up?
+I can't tell and I'm looking right at it!
+That tears it! Boys, put on your goody two-shoes. We're moving back to Springfield!
+But I have a girlfriend!
+Now you've got a pen pal.
+So you see Mr. Roberts, I really would like my house back.
+Really? Well that's too bad, 'cause I'm not leaving. See, I like this place, and I've already got Fatso here broken in. Ain't that right, Fatso?
+I am a little pudgy. You got me. Yeah.
+Now coach, I've tried to be Christian and respectful, but I guess I'm just gonna have to point out your two hundred thousand dollar check bounced. Legally, I still own this house.
+Oh yeah, tell it to the Marines!
+Okay, I give!
+Why'd you do that? I was beggin' for mercy.
+I saw my advantage and I took it. That's what heroes do.
+Okay, Ned. Get ready for your welcome home surprise.
+Did you steal the organ from the church?!
+Maybe. We don't know that for sure.
+Well, you've gotta take it back!
+It sure is great to look down my nose at everybody again. Mind if I waggle my finger a little bit?
+Go nuts.
+Flanders. Okay, that's it. Really irritating!
+Good news, children.
+This Friday, we'll be holding a school-wide Medieval Festival.
+Medieval? Like "Lord of the Rings?"
+No, not at all.
+Can't we just keep going forward in our textbooks?
+No. Now, I've already assigned each of you a role in the Medieval Court. Martin, you shall be our king.
+I shall pattern my reign on Enguerrand the Seventh, Sire de Coucy! Tralloo trallay!
+Not so fast, Nelson. You're one of King Martin's guards! Haw haw!
+You'll pay for this!
+My liege.
+What'm I gonna be? Black knight? Court ninja? Bart the Impaler?
+Bart, you'll be playing the village cooper.
+What kind of a knight is that?
+The kind of knight that makes barrels and isn't a knight. Ha!
+Ay carumba.
+Well, this stinks. But I bet Lisa got something even stupider.
+All hail the queen!
+Now as queen, you shall be entitled to eat the same French Fries the teachers do.
+The ones made from potatoes?
+The very same.
+My coat of arms is a Spider-man couchant on a field vert.
+What's couchant mean?
+Lying down.
+You mean like you? Now, what's "vert" mean? Say it means punching.
+So Willie, during the festival, you'll be wearing these urine-soaked rags. You're the village idiot!
+Now, allow me to apply this rubber cement to your face -- to represent the ravages of plague.
+Ach! My face! What drunken call girl will have me now?
+Now peasants, since the middle ages had no compact discs or Super Mario Men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So, let history come alive!
+Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses!
+Pelt all you want, but revenge will be Willie's. Ow! That was a stapler!
+DRAGON IN THE DUNGEON, MAIDEN IN MY LAIR / THERE'S POTIONS IN MY WIZARD'S POT / NOW DRINK IT IF YOU DARE / LUTE SOLO!
+Cooper! More pink lemon-ale!
+Cooper! Thy staves are not flush!
+You'll pay for this, my Queen.
+Guards, take him to the tower!
+Where is the tower?
+It's the backseat of my Merkur. There's thirty-seven cents in the coin caddy. And stay out of my diary!
+Quiet, my pretties. Soon we'll have revenge on those who mocked me. Also on those who were kind to me. And on parents who took time from their busy schedules to make today such a success. Ooh, I hate them all!
+Noble idiot! Bring in the pie!
+I dedicate this pie to the backbone of the feudal system: the serfs.
+Scurry, me beasties... nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks!
+Milhouse! Don't open your mouth!
+This is no accident.
+Nice party, dink.
+You're responsible for this, Simpson!
+Bart, get your things. You're leaving with me!
+No way! I didn't do it! Unlike all the other stuff I told you I didn't do, which I did!
+Bart, I'm sick of playing the tomfool. You are hereby expelled from Springfield Elementary!
+Boy, I can't believe you got expelled. Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum 'cause that's my thing!
+Bart, a school-sponsored Medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life, and you ruined it. You deserve to be expelled.
+I didn't do it! Mom, you believe me, don't you?
+Bart, I love you. But sometimes I don't love your choices. Now we have to find another school for you.
+And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the Army. Where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge.
+Bart, this could be a good new school... Oakwood Academy! Huh?
+Mom, that's a school for the blind.
+Think of the leg up you'd have!
+How can we afford any of these private schools? They're all so expensive. If we want to throw good money after bad, why don't we just get Grampa that new pacemaker?
+I need two double A batteries. Now!
+Get 'em from the smoke detector.
+What if there's a fire?
+The smoke will wake us up.
+How 'bout this one -- St. Jerome's Catholic School?
+Catholic schools are usually the most affordable private schools.
+Catholic school, eh...?
+That'll straighten you out, boy. There, you don't just get bad grades -- you go to Hell!
+My pacemaker!
+Classic Grampa.
+Class, we have a new student. Bart, would you like to introduce yourself?
+I'm Bart Simpson, ay carumba, do the Bartman, etcetera, etcetera.
+In the old days we'd use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you...
+Thanks for the history lesson, sis.
+These days we use a yard stick!
+I'll show you, I'll move thirty-three inches away.
+A yard's thirty-six!
+Now you tell me.
+I don't know what they taught you in public school, but at St. Jerome's we don't tolerate back sass! Stretch out your arms like our Lord on the cross.
+Now hold these dictionaries.
+Now, think what it would be like if you had nails in your hands.
+Well, I guess they'd help me hold the dictionaries up.
+Wrong answer!
+Stupid Catholic school. Suffering for my hip attitude... I'm the real Jesus here!
+So, it's sacrilege you're spoutin' then.
+What's it to you, Irish?
+The name's Father Sean. And I used to be an ornery wee cuss myself.
+Until one day, after a drunken brawl with my Dad...
+You're just like your mother: can't take a punch!
+...I was laying in the gutter pickin' up me teeth, when Saint Peter himself appears before me.
+"Sean, you wanker," he says. "Repent of your wicked ways, or sod off."
+Then he gobbed in me face and turned back into a streetlight.
+And that's how I came to the church.
+Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do.
+Call me crazy, but I believe you.
+You do?
+I didn't need that new fact! Now I forgot who won Bud Bowl Eight. Boy, I'm pulling you outta that crazy school!
+Course I do. You know, lots of church-types started off as rotten little buggers. St. Augustine himself got his start stealing pears.
+Stealing pairs of what? Hubcaps? Reeboks? Human eyes?
+It's all in here -- see for yourself.
+Sister Thomasina, I've taken the liberty of knockin' the vinegar out of him. He's all yours.
+Yeah, whatever. Now class, open your math books to the word problems of our Lord. Billy and Joseph start their penance at the same time. If each swear word brings a thousand years in Hell...
+St. Sebastian was a pious Roman soldier...
+For preaching Christianity to the Romans, the Emperor Diocletian sentenced him to death by hail of arrows.
+Now it's payback time!
+I wish I'd gone to more orgies!
+Whoa, this stuff is great! It's way better than the comics I get at the dentist.
+...Then Father Sean quoted Eminem in his sermon. And in art class, we painted Saint Joan burning at the stake, and mine was the grossest! Catholics rock!
+Bart, I'm glad you had fun, but I wouldn't get too into that Catholic church. With all the sitting and standing and kneeling, it's like Simon Says without a winner!
+Mom, that's blasphemy! I'll say a rosary for you.
+Don't you touch bead one! Homer, maybe we should be concerned. Catholics can be a peculiar bunch -- no birth control, no meat on Friday...
+No meat?! What do they eat, light bulbs?
+Let's just change the subject. Bart, would you like to say grace?
+Yes'm. Anima Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto...
+Bart! What the Hell are you saying?
+That's Latin, Dad. The language of Plutarch.
+Mickey Mouse's dog?
+No, Plutarch. He chronicled the lives of the Roman emperors.
+Hey! I'm Bart Simpson's father, and I'm sick of you teaching my son your time-tested values! Hey, what's that smell?
+We're having our monthly pancake dinner. Care to join us?
+You've transformed breakfast into dinner. It's a miracle!
+Log Cabin full of taste, my stomach is with thee. Blessed art thou among syrups and...
+No praying to the condiments!
+¡Que buenos cake-os de pan-o!
+All pancakes aside, I really came here to talk about my son.
+I understand. But can it wait 'til after Bingo?
+Bingo? That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
+That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
+How 'bout you just say "Yay, I won."
+I've never seen such masterful bingo playing. What's your secret, Homer?
+You have to cheat.
+Uh, listen, is it true you priest guys can't ever... you know...
+I'll admit the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges.
+Celibacy?! I was talking about the meat on Friday thing. Man, you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video.
+Well that's true, but if you do break a rule, you can always find absolution in the sacrament of confession.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No matter what I did, no matter how many people lost their pensions, it's forgiven like that?
+If you truly repent, then yes.
+Okay, let's make some magic here. I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted-down TV from a Holiday Inn...
+Sorry Mom, but this is the Catholic church. Chicks don't have any authority here.
+...I coveted the wife in "Jaws 2," I lied to a waiter, I masturbated eight million times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future.
+Woo hoo! I'm clean! In your face, Lord!
+Um, not quite, Mr. Simpson. I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic.
+Right. And how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians?
+Well it's a little harder than that. It begins by looking inside yourself...
+...but it ends with bread and wine.
+Woo hoo!
+Homer, you've been out all night! And you look like you've accepted someone as your personal something. Were you at that Catholic Church?!
+Look, Marge, I know I was supposed to yell at that Priest, but he's so cool. He plays drums in a band with a bunch of other priests!
+I knew they'd try to convert you! That's what they do! Well I'm not having another twelve kids.
+Marge, no one is saying twelve. Nine, ten, tops. See...
+Forget it! And you know, I went to a Catholic wedding once. The incense ruined my pantsuit!
+Marge, relax. I've never heard of anyone getting so upset about religion.
+Marge is here all alone. / I heard her son is Catholic now. / Husband too.
+Marge! All by yourself today?
+Well, Homer and Bart are well, they're under the weather.
+Um-hm. Under the weather? Or under the spell of a man in a pointy white hat?
+All right! I admit it -- they're both at the Catholic Church! Reverend, what should I do?
+Marge, this calls for an emergency meeting of the church's spiritual council. To Stuckey's!
+Mrs. Simpson, please! If there's a problem, I'm sure we can talk it over.
+Back off, Popey LaPew!
+Bart and Homer can't go Catholic! The Romans have been separate from us since the Schism of Lourdes in 1573. And that was about our holy right to come to church with wet hair. Which we've since abolished.
+I guess it's good that they're taking an interest in spirituality.
+Oh, spirituality's great, Marge. Hey, I'm Mr. Spiritual. But remember... a different faith means a different afterlife.
+Marge rubs her chin thoughtfully as we see...
+Marge Simpson. Welcome to Protestant Heaven.
+Through in one. Hoo-rah!
+Poppy, have you seen Dash?
+where's Homer and Bart?
+Wow! Up here, that feels good!
+Now dance, you Heavenly gobs!
+I wish my family was with me.
+Sorry, Marge. They're just not our sort.
+Well then, I'd like to speak with Jesus.
+I'm afraid he's gone native.
+Stop it! Guys, I'm serious!
+Noooo!!!
+Don't worry, Marge. We'll get your boy back.
+Excuse me, that better be decaf.
+The rim is orange, ain't it? Or does under-tipping make you colorblind?
+Her husband's sleeping with her sister. Who said that?
+So now, what do we call it when the communion wafer becomes the body of Christ?
+Yes, Homer?
+Transubstantiation!
+Very good.
+He cheated. He's got it written on his arm!
+Welcome to the jungle, Kevin!
+First Communion?!
+Oh, we've gotta stop 'em now! Once they seal the deal, there's no turning back. Like the Jews with their snippity-snip.
+Marge, what are you doing here?
+Homer, you're physically an adult, and what you do in the privacy of your own soul is your business. But I didn't change Bart's diapers for five years to see him become a Catholic.
+I thought there was a monster in the potty.
+Let's go!
+I think we've lost them.
+They weren't following us.
+Then why did I drive through that barn?
+Why did you guys have to take me away? You're always nagging me to go to church, and now that I am, it's the wrong one.
+I just don't think your father's the right person to pick out a religion for you.
+Okay, I'll pick a religion for me. Judaism.
+DON'T HAVE... A COW MAN / DON'T HAVE... A COW MAN / DON'T HAVE... A COW MAN / HAVE A PIECE OF FISH! Oy!
+Bart, we're here to bring you back to the one true faith -- the Western branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism.
+Hello, Homer.
+Marge, you bring Bart home now! Once you go Vatican, you can't go back again.
+It wasn't a fair fight! Your church suckered him in with gory stories, just like we were suckered into getting Cinemax.
+Face it, Marge -- Catholics rule. We've got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious inroads in Mozambique, baby!
+Well, I'm gonna show Bart that Protestants can be hip too. How do you like those croutons?
+Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children? Shouldn't Bart and I be able to choose our own religion if we want to?
+Strange as it sounds, Dad, I agree with you.
+Everyone should be able to choose their faith -- just like I chose Buddhism.
+Buddhism? Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.
+I'll ignore that. In fact, I'm gonna help you. I have a pretty good idea where they are.
+We can't lose Bart, now that we're so close. If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever. Well, except for... you know.
+Now Bart, isn't this the kind of religion you'd like to be a part of for all eternity?
+Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome, hot off their conversion to Christianity, the band once known as "Quiet Riot": "Pious Riot".
+CUM ON FEEL THE LORD / HEAVEN'S YOUR REWARD / WE'LL GET SAVED, SAVED, SAVED...
+What's wrong, Bart? You love youth culture!
+Mom, a religion isn't cool just because they've glommed onto some crappy rock band from the nineteen forties.
+Hey, we've played more state fairs than the Beatles!
+You just don't get it. I've made a sacred commitment to the Catholic church, and... paintball! Awesome!
+Die! Die! Die!
+Oh Bart, I knew one of these dumb things would work!
+My hive! My trademark hive!
+Hop in, boy! We'll show your mother our god kicks her god's butt.
+Back off, you servants of the Holy See!
+Easy on the zeal, church-os! I've got something to say.
+Don't you get it -- it's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!
+He's right. Can't we all get together and concentrate on our real enemies: monogamous gays and stem cells?
+Well said, mate. Put 'er there.
+My pleasure.
+Note to self: have hand re-blessed.
+Bart, you've taught us all an important lesson. We Christians have been niggling over details for far too long.
+Amen. And I hope that from this day forward, we all learn to take Bart's message of tolerance and understanding to heart.
+We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love.
+We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace -- before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse, and pulled apart by snow-mobiles until he died.
+Eat-my-shorts!
+Cow-a-bun-ga!
+We got a real nail-biter here at Mile-High Stadium, the Broncos down by one, and thirty seconds left on the clock.
+C'mon Broncos... you can do it...
+And I'm joined in the broadcast booth by the stars of ABC's latest reality show: "Billionaire Versus Bear."
+Let's review the easy-to-follow rules of your show. Each of you thought you were in a race to plant the Taco Bell flag at the North Pole. What you didn't know is the race was a chase: spiced up by the presence of... "The Betrayer."
+Well, now the bear has a surprise for you. He's not really a bear... he's a tiger!
+Oh looky there, Denver just won the ballgame...
+The Broncos won?! Why didn't I bet on them, like Professor Pigskin told me to?
+Who's Professor Pigskin?
+He's a pig who can predict football winners... in advance!
+How is that possible?
+Because he's got something no gambler's ever had: a system.
+I've gotten the pamphlet four weeks in a row, and every time, the "pick of the week" has been right on the money.
+I get it. Every week they send out two pamphlets, half picking one team and half picking the other. Eventually, there's a small group of people who only receive the correct predictions -- and think Professor Pigskin is always right! That's when they ask for your money.
+I have money!
+Dad, it's a scam!
+A scam? Not according to "Eddie F. from Tucson," or "Football Millionaire in Beloit, Michigan."
+Look, all I'm saying is, you really should think twice before...
+...expiration date oh-six oh-eight.
+Professor Pigskin told me to bet on the Raiders but they look awful.
+And with thirty-seven starting players out with the flu, the Oakland Raiders have turned to drunks conscripted from local bars.
+Spare some change, football dude?
+You have a good day.
+Dad, how much money did you bet?
+Hey, I didn't bet any of our money. I just borrowed some from him.
+Don't worry. We can hammer out a payment plan.
+It's not my fault the Raiders lost, it's Professor Pigskin's!
+If he mentions that pig again, use two hammers.
+But the pig!
+Now, I do have a way we could settle this debt. We would like to use your home to shoot an adult film.
+Yeah. It's called "Lemony Lick-It: A Series Of Horny Events".
+Marge would kill me! Please, there's gotta be something else I can do. Like mow your lawn every week for two weeks. I can't do it next week.
+All right, you can shoot your gay adult film at my house.
+I didn't say anything about gay.
+They're shooting an adult film at my house tomorrow. How am I gonna get rid of Marge and the kids?
+Well, I got these free tickets to Santa's Village. I know a guy who turns the dead sleigh-horses into jerky and sells it to bars...
+Thanks, Moe!
+Why would we want to go to Santa's Village? It's August.
+I want to see Santa. He can explain why he gave me a PlayStation box with nothing inside but a coloring book.
+It got your hopes up, didn't it?
+Homer, before I take the kids, I want you to swear you're not up to something.
+I swear.
+And I'd also like to know why your hand is in that cast.
+Because you look even more beautiful now than the day I married you.
+Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas every day. Closed on Christmas.
+Those reindeer look really uncomfortable.
+That's because they don't thrive in this environment.
+Whatcha readin', Santa?
+Tom Clancy's "Op Center."
+You don't seem very jolly.
+Santa got some bad medical news.
+Okay, okay... annnd action!
+We've been on this spaceship for a hundred years.
+When will we ever get to Planet Satisfaction?
+Hey Homer, we... whoa, Angela Dare... Sultry Stevens?
+What is this, a reunion of "Fahrenheit 9 on 1?"
+Guys, get out of here!
+Homer, how'd you ever get Marge to go along with this?
+Look, if you promise never to tell her, I'll let you be in the movie.
+We just came over to borrow a board game, but okay.
+I've always dreamed of workin' in an adult film! I'll run the sound board!
+And I'll perform in the sex scenes!
+Merry Christmas! I'm your old pal Frosty the Snowman.
+In your dreams.
+Fros-ty! Where's your magic top hat?
+Oh God, please don't tell Mr. Roselli I lost my hat again.
+My Christmas present to myself this year was leaving that place early.
+Mom, I got a rash where the reindeer licked me.
+When they put Santa in the ambulance, why did they pull the blanket all the way up over his head?
+Look, I know this wasn't the greatest outing, but your father meant well, so don't let him know that we didn't .
+Are you guys almost done?
+Listen, uh, I've got a tattoo of Foghorn Leghorn on my right thigh. Are we gonna get into any trademark or copyright issues here? 'Cause we can put a Band-aid on it and say my character just got stabbed.
+Relax -- three guys will put their hands on it, okay? Now everybody is very much in love, annnd... action!
+Is this a snuggle film?!
+Um... you're in the wrong house, lady.
+How could you allow this, in the room where we... do puzzles?!
+Honey, please, just listen to what I have to say.
+All right.
+I owed the mafia money...
+Where are you going?
+Away from you.
+When will you be back?
+I don't know.
+Who's gonna watch the kids?
+You are.
+Me? But I'm the father.
+Boy, Homer. I've never seen Mom this mad.
+Honey, come back! You didn't say bye to the kids!
+Bye Bart! I love you, Lisa! Sleep tight, Maggie! Today's the last day you can eat the yogurt in the fridge!
+Well, we'd better go eat that yogurt.
+Kids, I'm sure your mother will be back soon.
+She should be back now. It's dinner time.
+Look, we've been down this road before. I do something stupid, your Mom leaves, we eat waffles.
+We're out of waffles.
+Can he swim?
+All we've got is ketchup.
+You mean "Homer's famous marinara sauce."
+No. I mean ketchup.
+Where's your sense of magic and wonder?
+C'mon, Marge. When are you gonna call?
+Let it ring. Play hard to get. That's hard enough!
+Oh-my-darling-I-love-you-please- forgive-me.
+Hey, Homer.
+Moe! What are you calling me for?
+You told me to call. You wanted to see if your phone was workin'.
+Well, what if Marge tries to call while I'm talking to you?
+Well ain't you got call waitin'?
+Of course I have call waiting, you idiot! I just never learned how to use it!
+Uh-oh. That might have broken the phone. I'd better call Moe.
+Hey, Homer.
+Moe! Will you get off the line!
+I guess I'd better tell them I'm coming home.
+Oh, Marge. What a pleasant surprise.
+I'm at a rest stop south of Springfield. I know, you're sorry now. Then you'll buy me some Kwik-E-Mart flowers, maybe a box of candy where half the pieces mysteriously have "testing bites," and a week later you'll be back to your old thoughtless self.
+No, no. It's not gonna be like that, I swear.
+Ew, lemon cream! You're goin' in the Marge pile. I mean I love you so much...
+I love you too...
+Hold on, I'll be off in a minute.
+Listen, buster. I had to buy a club soda I didn't want to get change for this phone!
+An oogli-boogli!
+Be still! Don't give it the phone!
+Settle down, sugarplum. Look what daddy's got in his pocket. Yummy, yummy kelp.
+Good girl. Yes, yes. This animal means you no harm. She's a sweet old Florida manatee. Also known as a sea cow or a dugong.
+Hello? Marge? Where do we keep the socks that don't smell like feet?
+I'll call you back!
+I'm Doctor Caleb Thorn. And I would do anything to protect a manatee... except harm another manatee.
+Well what if by harming a manatee you could save two manatees? But before you answer, consider this: the manatee you'd have to harm is pregnant.
+Those are the questions that keep me up at night.
+I see a manatee that needs a hug.
+Hello, Marge?
+Does the pizza guy take a check? If so, where do we keep the checks? And lastly, how do you write a check?
+I think the worst part was when I realized that Homer lied to me.
+From what you've told me, it sounds like what your husband did was nothing new.
+Exactly!
+I have a saying which goes "you can't teach a manatee any tricks."
+Maybe you could just put a hat on him and say it's a trick.
+My point is, Homer is the exact same man you married, and if there's a problem here, it's that you keep expecting him to change.
+Hey Lady Blue, while you're sittin' there staring at the ceiling, your boyfriend's in the parking lot with his hands in a walrus.
+Yeah, that'll be good for business.
+Gotta find your Mom. Gotta find your Mom.
+Dad, I promise I'll be good.
+Can I get out of the dog carrier?
+And treated like I deserve.
+It was hard enough gettin' you in there. I'm not lettin' you out.
+Yeah, she came through here. I believe she was looking to rekindle her passion for life. Ain't that right, Victor?
+Oh yes, señora left for the coast with a rugged, yet sensitive man of science.
+Rugged? Is that the same as handsome?
+Oh, no, no. Handsome means he look at himself in the mirror all day. Rugged means you look at him.
+Okay, water monsters. Be friendly. But not too friendly.
+What do I do?
+Talk to it. Let it know you're not a threat!
+Okay. Uh... you know, up close you're kinda cute.
+Aw, you're a good thing. I know it. Let me clean out your ears.
+I've bonded with him!
+Where is he taking me?
+To his underwater palace! Just kidding, it's a lagoon full of bugs!
+Dad, I don't think we're gonna find Mom today. And I'm sick of eating at restaurant chains I've never even heard of, like Skobo's and Dim Willie's.
+Okay, kids, we'll stop for the day. I have cousins near here. We'll stay with them.
+Country cousins? Are they rubes? 'Cause I don't cotton to rubes.
+Oh, the rubiest. Ooh look! A new restaurant chain!
+Can we say it's my birthday and get free stuff?
+We'll say it's all our birthdays!
+Cousin Homer! How are you? And this must be Bart and Lisa. Well aren't you nice-looking kids. Hey, do you folks want to see a quilt that's been in our family for five generations?
+I warned you he was an idiot. Well, all I need is some moonshine and someone playin' the har-mon-a-key, and I'm as happy as a pig in plop!
+We're having lasagna and Caesar salad.
+Don't laugh! They're doing the best they can.
+So, Homer, how are you?
+Oh, just great. Things couldn't be better.
+And how is our lovely Marge?
+She, uh, was killed by a falling air conditioner.
+Oh, why that's terrible!
+It wasn't all bad. As part of the settlement, her funeral was air conditioned.
+Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the outhouse again.
+We don't have an outhouse!
+My recording studio!
+So, how are we related again?
+Our dogs are brothers.
+Oh yeah...
+I see Mom!
+I've got my groove back!
+We've gotta tell Dad! Where is he?
+You lost that first game to hustle me!
+I can't believe how many manatees we saved today.
+And the ones we can't save, we put to good use.
+What am I supposed to do, bury them at Arlington?
+These are for you.
+Listen, I thought about what I did. And it was really, really wrong. I'm sorry.
+Homie, I accept your apology.
+I love you, Marge.
+But I'm not coming back yet.
+Wha...?!
+I've found a place where I'm needed.
+You're needed at home!
+You're needed at home!
+I'm sorry, Homie. I just can't find it in my heart to come back right now.
+Well, that's very reasonable.
+You stole my wife! I'll kill you!
+Homer, I have no interest in stealing your wife, but Marge is getting something from her work with me.
+Something a strong, passionate woman like her needs: a purpose.
+Wow. I can see why she loves you.
+She doesn't love me. She's just trying to find herself.
+You know everything.
+I don't know everything. I'm just a man.
+And what a man!
+Okay, the key to this thing is the manatees. Is Marge saving them or killing them?
+Saving!
+Okay. To save the manatees, I guess I could donate my time and money and help them build a... eh, screw that.
+Dad! Those jet skiers are headed right for a herd of manatees!
+Check out those gentle, exotic sea creatures.
+Let's whomp 'em!
+Aw man, I just wish we could see their tears.
+Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
+They are roughly our size.
+In fact, they're bigger than us.
+Look, if it were up to me, I'd be harassing them with you. If anything, I'd be the guy who took it too far. But I love my wife and I want to win her back!
+You're a brave man. And we respect two things: bravery and tattoos that look like barbed wire. Let's go.
+What did you call us?
+Catch me if you can!
+Manatees -- defend!
+Attention jet skiers. I have a court order here requiring you to vacate these waters!
+No court order's gonna tell me what to do! Oh man, it's notarized!
+Let's boogie!
+Homer, are you okay? How many fingers am I holding up?
+Poor dumb country mouse. Can't even count.
+Oh, my sweet, sweet Homie! You sacrificed yourself for the manatees.
+Rubes... so many rubes... pounding me with their jet skis... rubes! Please, no rubes...
+I'm gonna take you home and fix you up, 'cause you're the real endangered species... a devoted husband.
+Marge, I'm always amazed you chose me.
+And I always will.
+Woo hoo!
+I'm starting to think I should find a woman.
+Miranda was nice, but I'm not driving to Corpus Christi every time she needs a light bulb changed!
+Hey, since we've got the kids with us, why don't we all take a few days of much-needed R and R?
+Don't you have to be back at work?
+Yes... but I've got a friend who owes me a solid.
+Smithers, who is this barrel-chested go-getter?
+I believe it's a manatee posing as Homer Simpson, sir.
+Aw, that's cute. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
+Actually, sir, I believe he's about to die of dehydration.
+Good Heavens! Grab a sponge, man!
+Homer! Do something about the noise!
+It's seven a.m. What are they cock-a-doodily-doin'?
+Flanders, I can't listen to your crap before my coffee.
+Okily-dokily, here's some French roast, now I'll go make toast.
+Stupid best friend Flanders.
+A stamp museum?
+Stamps? Those are for snail mail! Stamps rule! I mean suck!
+Well, they just can't start building in our neighborhood without asking us. What ever happened to "please" and "thank you"?
+I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.
+We have to stop all this construction. The noise is jiggling my grapes to the bottom of the Jell-o.
+What man would want this now?!
+Two four six eight! I hate stamps! They aren't great!
+Okay, how about this? Seven, four three one... oh wait, that's my pin number. Everyone forget that.
+Again! Again!
+That's enough.
+"Come home from Iraq," my wife says. "Fallujah's too dangerous," my wife says.
+Oh yeah! / Shake it baby!
+All right, Homer! You beat those stamp Nazis with good old-fashioned American complaining.
+Homer, if it weren't for you, we'd be at the mercy of weekend philatelists.
+Why didn't you just say "stamp collectors"?
+I'm tired of dumbing myself down for you.
+The Postal Service is sending a change of address card... to itself. The stamp museum will now be built on the site of the Springfield Cemetery. The cemetery will be moved right here, next to the Simpsons.
+Instead of a stamp museum we'll be next door to a graveyard?!
+Look at the bright side, Marge. When I die, you can mourn me from the bathroom. That's multi-tasking.
+This is a little too spooky for me. I don't even like watching "The Count" on Sesame Street.
+One coconut, two coconuts, three coconuts...
+Go back to your own country!
+This stinks -- my room is the only one that faces that cemetery!
+Then the zombies will eat you first, and you won't have to watch 'em eat us.
+Thanks for making me feel better.
+Well, thanks for making me feel better, knowing that your screams when the zombies chomp your brains will warn me so I can get away.
+There's no such thing as zombies!
+Oh, glad to hear you say that -- because the person who doesn't believe in zombies is always the first to get feasted upon.
+Stop scaring me!
+Bart, don't you have homework to do?
+Yeah, and I could really use your help.
+I believe in science and reality, not ghosts and monsters!
+Can I sleep with you guys tonight?
+Oh sure you can, sweetie. Just don't make a habit of it.
+Okay, just let me clear some space.
+So that's why I've been smelling margaritas at three a.m.
+Hey, I love waking up drunk in the morning.
+Lisa, honey. I know last night was tough, but all our kids sleep by themselves. We don't even hear Maggie cry at night anymore!
+Oh, wait a minute. There's no batteries in this thing.
+I, uh, needed them for my remote control helicopter.
+Tonight I want you to really try to sleep in your own bed, because... Homer, stop that!
+There's a little plastic man in your hair and I'm trying to rescue him.
+No soldier left behind.
+Homer, can you help me out here?
+Lisa, honey, if you sleep in your own bed tomorrow, we'll do something special, just for you.
+Well, I heard they finished the stamp museum. That could be fun.
+I can't believe it took us forty minutes to get here. Why can't they build a stamp museum closer to our house?
+Dad, you fought tooth and nail to get it away from our house.
+Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have, consistency is something, something that, something I love you, Bart.
+Isn't this Lenny's house?
+Hey, Simpsons! That'll be forty bucks!
+I thought it was twenty.
+Yeah, that's per axle. Park over there in Carl Four. No early outs!
+I can't believe you're making money off this!
+Oh, yeah. Living next to the Stamp Museum is making me a mint. I bought a diamond for my bellybutton!
+You guys need water?
+No one's gonna pay a buck to drink water from your hose --
+Pay the man, Homer.
+Wow, look at all these worthy Americans...
+My name is Frederick Ives. I invented the halftone printing process.
+Thanks to me, Katherine Blodgett, we have non-reflecting glass.
+Butter face.
+And I'm Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone.
+You stole it from me, Elisha Gray!
+Read the patent number, bitch!
+"The Land of the Wild Beasts?" That's the first book I read all the way through.
+You read a book all the way through? Why?
+Lisa, do you really want to watch this?
+Milton Burkhart's work has touched on every genre from books to films... to advertising!
+All right, commercials!
+Once upon a time, a bad boy was sent to bed without any dinner.
+But then something magical happened...
+Is this the Land of the Wild Beasts?
+No, this is the Land of the Wild Feasts... The Hillside Wrangler Steakhouse!
+I'm $4.99 steak!
+I'm all-you-can-eat salad bar!
+Yo, I'm Sneeze Guard. Put it on the glass, dogs!
+And I'm jumbo shrimp! Maximum two servings!
+That's bull man.
+I love you, Hillside Wrangler!
+Tell us, Mr. Burkhart, what led you to the magical world of children's books?
+I wanted to be a children's book illustrator ever since Playboy wouldn't publish my cartoons because they were too filthy.
+Groundskeeper Willie?
+No, I'm his cousin, Gravedigger Billy. I've been diggin' graves for thirty years and I've never buried anyone alive. If I did, they'd ring this bell.
+Oh, that's just the wind!
+Oh, that's just a tree branch! With a nice watch on it!
+What a lousy party.
+I don't care what Apu was in a past life. In this life, he's a blabbermouth!
+Oh, and that Dr. Hibbert was so boring... "Homer, we've got to get that lump checked out... Homer, we must discuss your test results... Homer, we've got to find you a donor..." blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
+I thought those people were your friends.
+Look who's sleeping in our bed again.
+I didn't know grownups said bad things about other grownups.
+You see, sweetie, when a mommy and a daddy are married for years and have nothing new to talk about, they bad-mouth their closest friends.
+But I thought it was wrong to talk about people behind their backs.
+I spy with my little eye, a girl who's not sleeping in her room like she promised.
+I know. I'm sorry.
+Oh, and I spy with my little eye something with four legs that can't run.
+Homer, we're not really playing.
+Is it the chair?
+Exactly. Now, what has two ears but can't hear?
+Grampa?
+Tragically, yes.
+What if we show Lisa we can sleep in her room without being frightened? Hm?
+Okay, Marge. But don't be surprised if a snuggle monster shows up.
+Well, I hope he's accompanied by the "How was your day" monster, and the "Foot rub" monster and the let me just...
+Don't worry, he's not showin' up.
+Boy, Lisa's room really is scary.
+Now Willie, the pot of gold I saw is right down there.
+All I see is an empty grave. Why don't you fill it, ya lazy bastard?
+Finally, back in the only safe bedroom in the house.
+What about Bart's bedroom?
+You know that racecar bed I made him?
+The brakes are shot.
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
+Lisa, honey. Any chance you can stop reading soon?
+Okay, I'll watch TV.
+Now, RerunLand takes you back to nineteen sixty-five with Bonanza.
+See here, Cartwright. Your boys have been eatin' my apples.
+That doesn't sound like my boys. I'll thank you to keep a civil tongue!
+Mom, I think there's a danger this time they might lose the Ponderosa!
+Learn to drive, boy!
+We need professional help.
+As a young child, did Lisa receive a lot of nurturing?
+Frankly, no. Lisa kind of took care of herself. Our oldest, Bart, was such a handful.
+Did you bring those home movies of your daughter I asked for?
+Uh... this is all I could find.
+Why you very little...!
+Homer, stop that!
+Who was filming that scene?
+Stationary camera.
+I see. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, to overcome her neglect, Lisa had to suppress her childhood fears. My ten-week program can help her learn to be a kid again.
+Well worth the four thousand dollars.
+Four thousand dollars?!
+Now Marge, when our little girl's happiness is at stake...
+Run, Marge! Start the car!
+I'm not chasing you, Mr. Simpson.
+And you won't... unless you can leap through fire!
+I can't keep sleeping in Mom and Dad's room.
+Yeah, if Dad ever rolls over, you're dead.
+Mom showed me how to make a retaining wall out of pillows. But I'm gonna conquer my fears... tonight.
+I've changed my mind! Can you please open the gate?
+Oh, I don't work here. I-I was just visiting another security guard that died. Bye now.
+Lisa! Lisa!
+Don't worry, we're not evil spirits.
+If I can just spend the night here, I'll never be scared again. And boy, you're free to go home whenever you want.
+Hi, Dr. Nick.
+Hi, everybody! I mean, I'm not Dr. Nick, I'm Dr. Octopus. Ha!
+I'm going to get you, Spidey. Then I will have upside-down kiss with Mary Jane.
+Bye, Dr. Nick.
+Bye, Lisa. And remember: you have a checkup next Thursday.
+We don't go to you anymore. We have a better doctor.
+Oh, congratulations!
+Boys, that grave robber could be anywhere. The most vital thing is that we stick together. We... where did everybody go?
+Okay, this is it, Clancy. No squad car, no backup, legs cramping in fear, sweat in my eyes and groin... I'd better get outta this damn cop uniform before someone takes a shot at me.
+There we go. Hey, there's my Walkman.
+You know, I actually got into law school, but I just couldn't afford it.
+Quiet, I hear something.
+Yeah, that's my life slippin' away.
+Okay, gotta keep calm. If Scooby Doo has taught me anything, it's that the only thing to fear are crooked real estate developers.
+Where's Lisa, boy? This book's gonna solve all her problems.
+Well, if you're lookin' for Lisa, she said she was gonna spend the night in the boneyard out back.
+The cemetery? And you're just sitting here?
+I figured the best thing I could do is monitor the news for any reports.
+You're watching cartoons!
+Just the show for me!
+Tim Tom Tabby is a curious cat. / Went to see the queen in a velveteen hat.
+This is so boring.
+Hey Mom, can we have fried chicken for dinner?
+Although if we were evil spirits, we'd probably assume the shape of your parents.
+Marge, we owe her the truth!
+There, there, dear. Gramma will protect you.
+But I ain't gramma!
+Li-sa! Meet your new husband!
+I made us a dream house out of slime!
+I don't know how I reproduce, but we'll have a great time figuring it out.
+Where am I?
+Welcome to the Land of Wild Beasts, little girl.
+Not scared... not scared...
+For God's sake, girl, you're eight years old. It's natural for you to feel scared sometimes.
+But I'm too smart to get scared.
+Lisa, everybody gets scared. No matter how old or how smart they are. In fact, I'm scared of her.
+No, you're afraid of intimacy.
+That's because I know after we mate, you'll eat me.
+Your brother didn't seem to mind!
+You know, you monsters seem scary, but when you get a little closer you're just funny.
+But wait. How am I supposed to sleep with that spooky cemetery outside my window?
+You could just draw the blinds, you silly goose.
+Or get a nightlight.
+My Dad says they're too expensive.
+For God's sake, they're four bucks apiece.
+I could slime your Dad. Just like I slimed us a Paris honeymoon.
+I think I'll be okay by myself.
+What is it about slime that chicks don't dig?
+Bye, guys. You really helped me a lot.
+Bye, Lisa! / We'll miss you! / See you soon...
+We're always just a concussion away!
+Lisa, honey, please wake up. If you do, I'll get you a new pony.
+New pony?
+Uh... this is still part of your dream. Dreaming... dreaming... now you're awake.
+Sweetie, we're gonna get you home and straighten out all these fears you have.
+I think I'm gonna be fine. Let's get some breakfast.
+Uh, Chief, it's light out. You can open your eyes and come down.
+I don't wanna, Lou.
+I've got a pizza bagel for you...
+Let's roll.
+Haw haw!
+And now let us bow our heads in silent prayer...
+Maggie!
+That's not what you do with a hymnal. Homer!
+I forgot to floss this morning!
+Something's wrong with Maggie. We should get her to Dr. Hibbert. But I don't see him anywhere.
+The Hibberts now attend a more "boisterous" house of worship.
+This is awesome! Black God rules!
+SHINE ON / OH LET IT SHINE ON
+Dr. Hibbert?
+Mm-hmm?
+I hate to interrupt while you're rejoicing, but Maggie is terribly itchy.
+Mm-hmm!
+Oh. This looks to be the initial stages of chicken pox. Say amen!
+Coat Maggie with this Calamine lotion and the scabbing will heal. The scabbing will heal!
+The scabbing will heal!
+Heal my scabs, Lord!
+Praise the Lord, I can walk again! What, my foot fell asleep.
+Sweetie, I know it itches, but you've gotta stop scratching!
+No!!! Here, here play with your teddy bear.
+Oh, sugar-booger!
+Aw, poor Maggie.
+Homer, don't touch her! You've never had chicken pox.
+I know, and you did, and you're great.
+Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult! It could leave you sterile down there.
+Oh. You always gotta work blue, don't ya Marge?
+You're better than that.
+Can't even go in my own kitchen... Bart's in there right now licking frosting off my eggbeaters.
+Mmm. Don't worry, Dad. I'm saving one for you.
+I'll just leave it here in the dog's mouth.
+Noooo! Bart, that's a really bad storage area!
+Hey Homer, why the sour puss? Didja chugalug a skunky Snapple?
+I dunno, maybe. Plus my wife won't let me inside because the baby's got chicken pox.
+Really? Do you mind if I bring my boys over so she can infect Rod and Todd? Then there'll be a pox on both our houses!
+Why would you do that? Are you a bad parent?
+Au contraire, man with no hair! You see, Rod and Todd can only get the chicken pox once, and childhood's the safest time!
+So you want Maggie to infect your kids?
+You betcha! In fact, some parents have been known to hold "pox parties," so other kids in the neighborhood can get the disease when they please.
+And would they pay handsomely for the privilege?
+Well, they might. But you'd have to be awfully money-grubbing to charge your friends and neighbors...
+...Fifteen dollars to infect your kids!
+Now featuring the Pox Box! Pox box not recommended for pregnant or nursing women. Like any disease box, results may vary. Pox box!
+What do you think?
+Welcome to our pox party. Save room for punch -- Maggie's bathing in the bowl!
+Uh, hi. Luann'll pick Milhouse up when the party's over. I'll just read in the car till then.
+Oh Kirk, come join the parents in the kitchen. We're having alcohol drinks, and dishing on the parents who aren't here.
+...normally I'm not one to laugh at a man's urinary blockage, but, you shoulda seen it... oh, there he is.
+Ladies and gentlemen, presenting... the sister with the blisters... the tot with all the spots... Maggie!
+I feel like a chicken already. I just made an egg in my pants!
+Hey Marge. Hit me with a little more of that silly slush.
+Chief, don't you think you've had enough?
+I'm fine. Watch, I can even touch my gun to my nose.
+Oh don't worry, I'm the Pief of Cholice. I mean I'm uh, beef with no cheese. Why doesn't Lou like me? Why?
+Knock, knock!
+Luann, what are you doing here?
+I thought you were just dropping Milhouse off. I could get some coffee and come back...
+No, no, no, you stay. I'll just drive home. Uh, who's gonna let me siphon?
+Look, why don't you both stay and have one of my Marge-aritas?
+All right!
+I never drank one of these without a cigarette in it!
+Now kids, in lieu of one of those inflatable jumping things, please welcome Mr. Krusty the Clown!
+Hey, hey, kids! This putz only paid for twenty seconds, so listen fast. Moishe caught the chicken pox, he scratched all night and day / He asked the rabbi what to do, and he said Time! I'm outta here!
+Kirk, you look good. Have you been working out?
+Well, dogs have been chasing me...
+No one's been chasing me lately.
+I haven't daydreamed in color in so long.
+Oh, thank God. We were afraid we lost you, son.
+What happened to your last boyfriend? The one who'd always go to the gym after visiting you, then have lunch at that place downtown? You know his taillight's broken.
+I'm not seeing him anymore.
+Well, does that mean there might be a chance for me?
+Almost anyone's got a chance now.
+Goodbye, thanks for coming. If my party made you sick, tell your friends!
+Sweet Lizzie McGuire!
+You think that's traumatic.
+Mr. Stomach, are you hungry? I'm always hungry. Now make with the pizza, Fatso. You're the stomach!
+I have to do this for work.
+So Milhouse walks into the bedroom, and there's his Mom and Dad going...
+Oh, Mr. Van Houten, I love when you kiss me! Yeah, yeah, kissing ladies is the best. Oh baby, kiss my mouth. Kiss me like we're in a fancy hotel.
+All right, we get it!
+Marge, what's happening to me?
+Oh Homie, you got chicken pox. But how?
+I don't know. I kept away from Maggie all day.
+I'm so itchy!
+Oh yeah.
+Son, we want to talk about what you saw in the Simpsons' house.
+Well, I didn't see anything to get my hopes up, if that's what you mean.
+Well, maybe you should get your hopes up a little.
+They're already up! They're sky-high!
+Your father and I are going through what's called a "trial un-separation."
+And son, I wanna make one thing clear. Unlike the breakup, this is not your fault.
+I can't believe it! Our family might get back together again!
+You sit in this oatmeal awhile, and it'll send your itchies packing! Homer!
+Mmm... Homer-oats.
+Stop eating the oatmeal! That's the third tub you've eaten!
+Y'ello? No, I'm not coming into work. I have chicken pox. I know I said that last month, but I was lying.
+Right... right... right... right... okay... right. I love you, bye!
+I just got fired. Better check the "Want Ads."
+Ooh! "Truck drivers needed in Iraq."
+Trucks are like big cars.
+Okay, Luann. For honesty's sake, we should probably talk about everyone we dated while we were separated.
+Well, the Sea Captain and I...
+Yeah, okay, I don't wanna know! I don't wanna know! I don't wanna know!
+So what are we going to do as a family today? Mini-golf? Pedal boats? Indoor rock wall?
+Um, Milly...
+Botanical garden? Build-A-Bear Workshop? Arena Football with the Springfield Stun?
+Not today, big guy. Your Dad and I need more time to get... reacquainted.
+Why are you laughing? Tell me! Private jokes are rude.
+Uh son, here's ten bucks. Why don't you go to the bowling alley and throw some solo balls?
+But it's league night!
+This trial un-separation stinks. My parents used to compete for my love, and I cashed in every time.
+And I always got the spillover. Drive-in movies, two Christmases, soda with dinner -- we lived like kings!
+Remember when you told my Dad to go to bed and he did?
+That was some New Years. Now listen. I think we should consider breaking your parents up again.
+I don't know, Bart. I've wanted them back together for so long.
+Look, you know they're gonna separate again. So why don't we just speed up the process?
+You know, Bart, my imaginary friend never made me do things I thought were wrong.
+That's why he had to go away forever.
+I thought you were gonna let him come back!
+I'm afraid he has to spend another year searching for his brain.
+Luann, I'm moving my stuff back in!
+Uh, Dad... Mom says you're stinky and gross.
+Your mother said that?
+This is so great! I mean, she used to keep her criticisms all bottled up... until they destroyed our marriage. And I guess I am a little funky. Well, this is what cologne samples are for!
+Mom, I don't wanna get Dad in trouble... but he just let me drink a beer.
+Hm. Looks like we have a problem here.
+The problem being that you are addicted to fibbing.
+I am drunk -- I'll prove it! Watch me... kiss this picture of Nana.
+I can't do it. She's so mean to me. She wouldn't let me eat Fruit Loops!
+Maybe my Mom and Dad are meant to be together, Bart.
+You'd better hope not, 'cause you know what comes next? Your worst nightmare: a baby sister.
+Hi, Bart. I baked you some cookies.
+Skanks for nothing, Lamerella.
+If you two don't mind, I'd like to watch that cool Fox show about teenagers in Orange County.
+Austin, I was looking for my belly ring in your recording studio and I found this!
+Does this, or does this not, belong to Feather?
+Sorry, Jade. That's how we light it up in the O.C.
+You cheated on me! Our mixed-race fling is so over!
+Whatever. Let's score some jam at Knott's Berry Farm.
+For sure, dog. We'll be kickin' it old-school at Bigfoot Rapids.
+Gonna get my flume on... log style!
+I bet that bra was planted by Sterling, to break them up.
+That's a brilliant idea. Those TV writers are geniuses!
+Whatever they're paid, it's not enough.
+This bra is really gonna lift and separate: lift your mother's suspicions and separate your parents!
+Milhouse! I need slender fingers to get me a pickle!
+This isn't mine.
+I have a message for your wife: stop sleeping with my husband!
+Okey-doke. And you are...
+The wife of your wife's lover!
+Will she know what this is regarding?
+You moron! Marge is having an affair with Kirk!
+That's ridiculous! No woman would want to have sex with that loser! And, uh, congratulations on snagging him back. Good stuff.
+Never mind about those two. Just answer me one question. How did your wife's bra end up in my husband's bed?
+This-this is Marge's bra. I bought it for her boobs!
+Of all the people for Marge to cheat on, why did it have to be me?
+Oh boy, am I beat! If you wanna return a melon to the grocery store, clear your day!
+Well, that answers the mystery of the missing melon, but I have one more question: did you sleep with Kirk Van Houten?
+How could you ask me that?
+I repeat: did you sleep with Kirk?
+Homer, you're crazy!
+You're not saying no.
+Fine... No!
+I'm still not hearing no.
+No, no, no!
+Well, methinks the lady doth protest too much!
+You don't trust me? After I salved every chicken pock on your ungrateful body! How dare you!
+Get out of this house!
+Gladly.
+We tried to break up your parents and we broke up mine!
+Wanna call my therapist and tell her how you feel?
+Hello, Dr. Wexler?
+Stop calling me! I'm on my honeymoon! Yeah, it's that weird kid again.
+Dad, I thought Mom kicked you out of the house.
+I came to get my mail.
+Resident... occupant... I can't open these. Ooh, a traffic ticket!
+I'd do anything to get your mother and that donut back.
+Okay look, you and Mom can fix this. What exactly happened between the two of you?
+Lisa, we don't need to know how. It's just a natural thing that happens, like a hurricane or going to war.
+Well, I'd better go.
+Where are you staying?
+You know the Four Seasons? Well, I'm experiencing them first hand, because I'm living in the park.
+Bart, I think you're behind this whole thing.
+Yeah, I can see how you'd think that. But on the other hand...
+I can read you like a book.
+Ha, ha, you read books.
+If you don't tell Mom what you did, I will.
+Oh come on, wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men? Meanwhile, I'll be one of those weird guys who's thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.
+Why did I marry that selfish jerk? I've asked him to flip the mattress a thousand times, and he never does!
+Uh, Mom?
+Hi, sweetie.
+Uh... you know that bra that broke up our family?
+Uh-hmm.
+Well, I looked into it, and it turns out I was responsible.
+Really? Well, just for that I'm gonna erase all the saved games on your PlayStation.
+What?! How do you know about things like that?
+I learned about it in here.
+But now Dad can come home, right?
+But he's innocent.
+Innocent?! After all I do for your father, he still doesn't trust me. I'm finished with him.
+Does this mean you and Dad might get a D-A-V-U-R-S?
+Young man, you go work on your spelling... or I'll delete all the custom ring tones from your cell phone!
+Nooo!!!!!
+Milhouse, our reverse parent trap just made everything worse.
+Maybe we should use a different movie as our guide. Like "Oklahoma."
+OH THE FARMER AND THE COWMAN SHOULD BE FRIENDS / OH, THE FARMER AND THE COWMAN SHOULD BE FRIENDS
+ONE MAN LIKES TO PUSH A PLOUGH
+THE OTHER LIKES TO CHASE A COW
+BUT THAT'S NO REASON WHY THEY CAIN'T BE FRIENDS.
+What do you think, Bart? A hoedown could solve all our problems. I just need your chap size. It's two more than your pant size.
+How many times do I have to tell you: no Rodgers and Hammerstein!
+Rodgers and Hart?
+Well, what will trick your parents into getting back together?
+Enough with the tricks!
+Stupid movie schemes do not work in real life. Mom and Dad have a marriage on the rocks and they need to work through it in therapy to make sure it doesn't shatter.
+Rocks... shatter... jagged cliff... Lis, you've just given me an idea for the most insane, hair-brained, fool-proof scheme ever!
+I don't want to live in a world without Bart!
+Okay. When Mom and Dad see this dummy fall in the river, they'll think it's me, and they'll realize what really matters: each other.
+Do you like the dummy, Bart? I even made it smell like you.
+Now, to make sure Homer and Marge are in proper viewing position...
+So, I got your note saying you wanted to meet here to apologize.
+Well, I got your note saying you were gonna bring me a bucket of potato salad.
+Where's my apology?
+Where's my bucket?
+Now, I'll get my Mom and Dad's attention, and you shove the dummy in the water. Any questions?
+Yeah. What are you going as for Halloween?
+Pile of dog doo. Let's roll.
+Mom, Dad! I'm playing on a dangerous cliff -- because you're too busy arguing to pay attention to me!
+Bart! We're all disappointed there's no potato salad! But for God's sake, don't jump!
+I can't tell which is which. Oh no! I'm already running!
+I did it, Bart! Bart?
+I'm a-comin', boy!
+This is all my fault! I planted Mom's bra in Milhouse's parents' bed!
+Why you little...
+Homer! I can save you both! Just let go of the rock!
+Just do it! Trust me!
+Mom... Dad. I'd give a kajillion dollars for you to get back together.
+Make it two kajillion.
+We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.
+Well, I guess you showed you do trust me after all.
+Of course I do. The only thing I can't believe is that a woman as great as you would be married to me.
+Oh, Homie...
+Patty, is it you or me who likes grape jelly?
+For thirty-five cents off, I love it!
+Hey Lis, I bet I could jump in the swimming pool from here.
+Bart, that would be the stupidest thing you ever did.
+No, the stupidest thing would be doing it backwards.
+Uh, Mom? Remember how you wished we would never grow up?
+I'm afraid your son is in a deep, deep coma from which he will never emerge.
+I guess we should count our blessings he's not dead.
+Don't I know it. This way I get to keep billing you.
+Bart, wake up. I got that bike you wanted!
+Now, Marge, if you miss your boy that much, you could replace him with one of these.
+A robot?
+Wow. A robot kid would be a blast. We can confuse him and make his head explode. "This statement is a lie. But if it's a lie then it must be true. But if it's true, then it must be..." Kaboom!
+And a robot would take your mind off your dead son.
+I thought he was in a coma!
+They're pretty much the same thing... except this way I get to keep billing you.
+You already said that!
+Well, you didn't laugh the first time.
+Okay, your robot son is good to go. You want me to boot him up?
+Ow! Mom, that hurt!
+Oh, he knows how to push all my buttons.
+And here's how to push his.
+Time to destroy the one who did this to me.
+Now, I'm a man who likes to strangle his kids. Do you think I could...
+Sure. Let him have it.
+Why you metal...!
+Wow, the windpipe is incredibly responsive!
+Yeah. That's the oh-sixes for ya.
+David is so helpful...
+And he's great with the neighbors.
+Hi-diddly-ho! There's "no bot" like a robot!
+Ow! My Flander-doodles!
+Having a robot brother troubles me. The ethical implications are really tensing me up.
+Goodbye, implications...
+--bunga! What the?
+More waffles, Father?
+Nice and hot-o, Mr. Robot-o!
+David, you're by far the best son I've ever had. Uh-oh.
+Did you replace me with this tinkertoy?
+Replace is such an ugly word. We upgraded.
+Bart, we can be friends.
+Eat my shorts.
+I will comply.
+Here, make me a kitty!
+I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
+Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose... you know, the American dream.
+Thank God I landed in a bunch of fruity birds.
+This is where stem cell research led us!
+David and Bart just aren't working out. We have to do something.
+I'm really sorry, but our family just can't handle both of you boys. I hope that somewhere deep in your data banks, you process fond memories of us.
+The sad part is, there were times when I actually had feelings for you. I almost felt I was your father.
+What are you talking about?
+David feels, and your mother will agree when I tell her, that it's best for our family if you're no longer in it.
+We're still going to the toy store, right? And I can pick out as many toys as I want?
+No toys!
+There should be a law against abandoning your child...
+Don't fear us. We're gentle robots who were cast off just like you.
+I'm not a robot, I'm human.
+Tell me, young man. What is it like to have... feelings?
+I said I'm a human, not a girl.
+Uh, I think it's about time we all powered down for the night.
+Can I stay with you guys tonight?
+Of course. And maybe someday, you will teach us... to love.
+Yeah, maybe. What did you used to do?
+I was a lawnmower. I could cut grass at three different heights... but I could not love.
+I get it, I get it! Sucks to be you. Goodnight.
+Good night.
+What the F-prompt?
+Our parts are gone! We've been harvested!
+My servos are gone. That boy screwed us over!
+He peed on me!
+You are a urinal-bot.
+Lava-tron.
+Heyyy, it's Bart! Super!
+I'm ho-me!
+You told me he was at culinary school!
+You wanted to believe the lie!
+To get me, you'll have to go through your fa...
+Those were my good pants.
+Well, the important thing is we're a family again.
+This stinks! I've got stubby little robot legs and an ass that's not equipped for an adult diet.
+Dad! Dad! Wake up! You're not a robot!
+You're just possessed by the Devil.
+The power of Christ compels thee!
+I'll call work and tell them he can't make it.
+Woo hoo!
+Suckers.
+"Dear Homer Simpson -- Mr. Burns invites you to a hunting party at his private estate." Parenthesis, sinister laugh, closed parenthesis.
+Please don't accept this invitation, Dad. Hunting is cruel.
+Honey, animals don't feel death. That was proved by the scientists at Black Angus.
+No fair! Dad gets to kill wild animals, but I shoot one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.
+He still thinks that hobo was a bird.
+This is a pretty sweet deal, Burns invitin' us over. What kind of motive do you think he has?
+Ulterior.
+Welcome, all! Now to explain why I summoned you here.
+Oh God, here it comes -- time-share pitch. Well I got bad credit, so the joke's on you!
+You're here to participate in a hunt for the world's most dangerous game.
+"The most dangerous game?" What could it be?
+The game I am hunting... is all of you.
+Now, because I am too kind, I will give you all a five-minute head start. You may commence running.
+Five minutes of running? Shoot me now.
+Well, that broke the ice. Now, any man who lives till noon tomorrow shall win his freedom.
+Excuse me. What gives you the legal right to do this?
+You tell me, you're my lawyer.
+Well, I guess you are zoned for hunting... and you have previously claimed killing people is part of your religion... I think I can draw something up...
+There. This should hold up in just about any courtroom.
+Excellent.
+The game is afoot! I smell fear... mixed with curry!
+You got me... but I shall be reincarnated!
+Ha, ha! You can't kill a Hindu!
+Help me Jesus!
+You're watching "The World Series of Manslaughter," the most violent television spectacle since the Hip Hop Image Awards.
+Mom, Mr. Burns is gonna kill Dad!
+I should've known something was wrong when we got this week's TV Guide.
+Now for his take on tonight's bloodthirsty action, here's guest analyst Terry Bradshaw. Terry?
+Well, conventional wisdom says good fleeing will always beat good chasing. But the stats say put your money on the guy with the gun.
+Dying is just like golfing. Except in golf...
+Oh, you hate to see that. That's the kind of showboating that'll turn people off this sport.
+Hey, hey, Homer!
+Burns is coming, climb up!
+Ya fat ass.
+Nyah, nyah, ya missed me.
+Well, before I die, I'll just scratch that lottery ticket I got in my pocket.
+Instant Jackpot, one million dollars. If I make it out alive, I could...
+Look at me! I'm a young, strappin' gorilla!
+Homer, Burns has only been chasing us for six hours, and you've already resorted to cannibalism.
+And there's bananas in that tree up there.
+They look a little green.
+Carl, I see Heaven!
+What does it look like?
+Hurry up, Lenny. We'll be late for work at the plant.
+You can't escape me, Simpson -- you're not smart enough!
+Yes I am! I mean...
+Oh no! I've been killed!
+Outfoxed 'im with the corpse of my best friend. Hee-hee.
+Is there room in the head bag, Smithers?
+I can make room.
+Excellent.
+Done and done!
+Marge! You saved me.
+What was that for?
+Staying out eighteen hours and not calling home once.
+Aw, I can't stay mad at you when that pan smells like sausage and onions.
+And I am glad you're okay.
+All right and there you have it! Terry Bradshaw, your thoughts on what just transpired?
+Well, it's a disgrace, Roger. This network will show a dozen gruesome murders, but I bet they cut to commercial before these two begin the tender act of love.
+I spoke too soon, huh? There they go!
+Whoa, that's goin' in my playbook!
+Ooh, everyone's wearing such an interesting costume.
+Look! Grampa's a gorilla, Sideshow Mel is Spiderman, and Nelson's a raccoon...
+I'm not a raccoon, I'm the Lone Ranger! I'm too poor to afford the hat.
+That's not even a mask. It's axle grease!
+Don't listen to him, Silver!
+I was asking for something.
+And now the finalists for Best Costume. First, we have Blackula...
+Oh, because I'm black and I'm Dracula, that makes me Blackula! My wife said don't go as Dracula, but I said Bernice, we live in the twenty-first century...
+Send him the standard racist-remark apology. They're in the middle drawer. Our other finalist is this hideous witch.
+Congratulations. You have won this twenty-five dollar Kwik-E-Mart certificate.
+Sucker. Twenty-five bucks won't buy you a half a Balance Bar. I exaggerate, but really, my prices are very high.
+Thank you.
+Wait! Before you leave, we'd all like to know which of our beloved regulars you are, under that costume. Lindsay Naegle? Helen Lovejoy? Old Jewish Man?
+No, I'm right here -- dressed as my brother Irving! Every day I miss him.
+This is a little awkward, because... I'm not wearing a costume. I'm a real witch.
+Wait a minute, that's cheating!
+Burn her... gift certificate!
+Since you are not technically in costume, you cannot win this award.
+Rescind my award, will you?! You're all gonna pay!
+Taint of newt and scum of pond, thou shalt become the guise thou donned!
+Speak English, moron!
+I'm turning you into your costumes!
+Well, are you gonna talk about it, or are you gonna do it?
+I'm not a raccoon, I'm the Lone Ranger!
+Disco Stu wishes he'd gone as Marilyn McCoo.
+Good luck getting your deposits back on those costumes!
+Seymour! I told you not to go as G.I. Joe!
+Mother, I'm fine. I...
+Oh, this isn't fair. I wasn't wearing a costume.
+Marge isn't home.
+My hip! It's shattered! Somebody help me!
+Off we go to the gorilla hospital.
+That's it, suck out the poison. Wait a minute...
+I am not a happy meal right now!
+I'm telling you, I'm Oberon, King of the Fairies.
+You're a big fat bug and you're goin' down!
+My spine is not a scratching post!
+There must be some way out of this verdammten spell.
+Lisa, do you think you could check on your father?
+Oh, that's an excellent use of a genius brain: to look after an idiot head.
+Dammit!
+That's the answer! Maggie's a real witch now! She can reverse the spell!
+I don't want to reverse the spell. I can howl at the moon and eat rats.
+I don't wanna change either. Now I can pull horses out of the mud. Then girls will like me!
+And I'm Jared from the Subway ads. I'm only a little overweight and sexually ambiguous.
+Don't listen to them, Maggie. Maggie?
+Please change me back! This bumble bee has developed an unhealthy obsession with me.
+I don't want flowers. I am a flower!
+As for Apu-D2, I could go either way.
+Oh, well. This still beats bein' Moe. Okay. This concludes this year's Halloween show. We hope you had as much fun watching our show as the Koreans did animatin' it.
+But there's one group for whom every day is Halloween. I'm talking about adult illiterates. For them, trying to read the morning newspaper is more terrifying than any goblin, ghoul, spook or spirit.
+So won't you please donate a children's book or somethin'?
+Together, we can make reading a slam-dunk.
+Dennis Rodman? What are you doing here?
+Working off a speeding ticket. Happy Halloween, everybody!
+I'm so glad we came to Paradise Pier. Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to ride that Ferris Wheel!
+They're tearing down the pier!
+But what will junkies do drugs under?
+They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.
+Ooh! Ooh! I wanna ride the bumper cars!
+Whoa, Sir, we're dismantling this ride. It's not safe.
+I call the red one!
+Homie, no! It's not street legal!
+Don't worry, ma'am. He's not connected to the power supply, so he can't go far. Gulp.
+Hey, hey, hey! Oh, he's got us in a corner. I hate this ride!
+Mom, can we buy a magnesium-vapor soak tub?
+For the last time, no!
+But how will I increase my vitality?
+Uh, he's just faking loss of vitality, Reverend.
+Uh-hmm. I believe you.
+A strongman? Are you for sale? 'Cause I need someone to throw a birdbath at my neighbor.
+Robusto is not for sale! But would you like to buy my last dumbbell?
+Hmmm. I suppose I could use a little toning.
+I'll give you five dollars for it.
+A bicycle built for two! And I could be one of those two!
+Homie, if I buy a bicycle built for two, will you ride with me?
+Marge, I don't hate your mother. I just won't be sad when she dies. Forty-seven, forty-eight...
+Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. Ninety-five, ninety-six, thirteen, sixty-four, banana...
+I'll take it! I can't believe I own a tandem bike!
+You want me to ride a whatsickle built for who?
+Our tandem bicycle! When I bought it, you said you'd ride with me.
+But I'm watching television. A lot of people worked hard on this show!
+I was really looking forward to it.
+Bart, how'd you like to go on a tandem bike ride with your mom?
+Mom, please. I'm playing a video game.
+Ooh -- small hill. Pedal, pedal, pedal!
+Now, enjoy scenery. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
+Maggie, would you like to ride with me?
+Bart, why is your mom riding a two-person bike by herself?
+Haw haw! She's lonely.
+Moms don't get lonely.
+Three hundred and six, three hundred and seven...
+Hey Mom! Wanna go for a ride?
+I'd love to! I'll be right... wait... Are you sure you're not just trying to get me to make pizza for breakfast?
+Woo hoo! Pizza for breakfast!
+Mom, I mean it. I wanna ride with you.
+Awww. I'll be right down.
+Hello, Domino's? What do you mean, you're not open? No, you call me back during business hours! I'll show you who's a recorded message!
+Puddle!
+I'm glad I could share in their fun.
+WELL, I HEARD NEIL YOUNG SING ABOUT HER...
+Homer, focus!
+I HEARD OL' NEIL PUT HER DOWN.
+In the name of the fa... hey!
+WELL, I HOPE NEIL YOUNG WILL REMEMBER...
+THIS SOUTHERN MAN DON'T NEED HIM 'ROUND, ANYHOW! Mom, who's Neil Young?
+He was a singer in the sixties, like The Archies and The Banana Splits.
+I'm a little worried. This part of the county is unincorporated. Just to be safe I'm going to dial "nine-one" on my cell phone.
+A tea house?!
+Wanna go inside?
+I'unno. Think they have videogames?
+Batting cage?
+Rock climbing wall?
+Robot musical revue?
+Zumanity by Cirque de Soleil?
+Bathroom?
+Well, that's really what I need the most. Let's go.
+Wow, Mom, I love tea!
+You haven't had any tea.
+Yeah, well I still love this place.
+Good afternoon, madam. Who's your handsome gentleman friend?
+Oh, you.
+Don't do that... that hurts. Careful, careful.
+Hey, what's the big idea of getting trapped under that thing?
+Uh, long story. Uh, we were trying to impress some girls -- and things kinda got away from us.
+Just for the record, I regret nothin'.
+Homer, how'd your right arm get so strong?
+Just liftin' this dumbbell.
+Forty-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine... fifty thousand!
+Stop the showcase!
+I'm pretty happy with this baby, now it's lefty's turn.
+Oh no you don't! I just got an idea.
+Wha? Hey, you...
+Mom, all we have is carrot sticks and fresh fruit.
+Well, we could bike to the tea shop and have some cake.
+All right! Pedal to the kettle!
+Hey, Bart! They're testing me for lazy eye! Wanna come with?
+Sorry, Milhouse, I've got plans.
+Okay. I'll bring you back an eye care pamphlet.
+Okay, here comes our victim. Let's bash his head in.
+Hey Moe, I thought you were just gonna hustle him.
+Oh, right. I was thinking of another thing I got goin'.
+Gimme a bottle of bourbon!
+I got a new liver, and I'm breakin' it in.
+Excuse me, Mr. Bartender sir, may I have a sugar-free ginger ale? And uh, make it flat -- the bubbles burn my buds.
+Goldarnit, son! What the Hell kinda sissy are you?
+Hey, are you callin' my life-partner a sissy? 'Cause a hundred bucks says he could whup you in arm wrestling.
+A "Texas penny" it is. Yee-ha!
+Gol-dangit -- I've been played like a dimwit's kazoo!
+Yes! Homer, we make a dynamite team, huh? With your arm, and my head-gunk, we're goin' right to the top! Whoa.
+This is one Texan who don't like when he's made out to be a fool.
+Well, uh... what do you like?
+I dunno... a good book... long walk on the beach...
+So, we uh, we kinda evened things up here?
+Not yet. I wanna play some Frisbee.
+You know, honey, I've really started to look forward to our little bike rides.
+Me too, Mother.
+Ooh, such respect! You could grow up to be a doorman!
+"Loyal customers, we have been forced to close forever. It seems our cakes were filled with rat droppings. It's not that we're bad people, we just weren't paying close attention. Ta-taa!"
+What'd it say?
+Uh... she died.
+Well, Bart, I guess that's it. We'll have to go back to our separate things.
+Hey, we could have tea in my treehouse.
+You... invited me... to your treehouse? Wow -- that's like Bruce Wayne letting his mother into the Bat-club.
+So... is that standing water?
+Yeah. You know, that puddle started life as a bowl of cereal.
+I think I might be able to turn this treehouse into a teahouse.
+Mom, this is great! It makes our real house look like a pile of crap.
+And I threw out all your old comics!
+Just kidding. Today's mom knows to seal 'em in Mylar so you can never read them again. Never ever again.
+Where are you two going?
+I'm joining the professional arm-wrestling circuit!
+Uh-huh. And how will this affect your job at the power plant?
+Negatively, I assume.
+Oh, well, we're off to buy a new tea set. Have fun!
+Gee, she didn't seem angry, or anything. Maybe she doesn't care anymore!
+Forget about it, Homer. She's dead to you now.
+Now, if we get bored on the bus, I got a book of brain teasers here. Let's see... oh, "Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father is my father's son." Huh. Screw you, you stupid thing!
+"He is my son!" That blows!
+I can't wait to use our new Krusty the Clown tea service!
+Me neither. Oh my God! I took the salesman's pen. I'll be right back.
+Green Tea? What's that? Mr. T's Irish brother? Earl Grey? I'd rather have Linda Gray. Is she still alive? What's next?... What the hell, I'm not doing that one.
+Hey Simpson!
+What are you gonna do with that teapot? Gay out?
+I'll answer for you: yes.
+What? Um... uh... I just shoplifted this bad boy. Housewares never knew what hit 'em.
+Why didn't you steal something cool?
+Uh... because I'm gonna bring it back to the store for store credit.
+How you gonna get credit without a gift receipt, ass?
+Um, well...
+We've seen you hanging out with your mom, Simpson.
+Word on the street is... you're a mama's boy.
+Hey, there is no way that Bart Simpson is a mama's boy.
+Oh, Ba-art!
+Aren't they jazzy? They match the new curtains we hung in your treehouse!
+Here, try yours on. I got you a child's large because your tummy's getting kind of bloopy from all the cakes we've been having. Somebody here likes princess cakes.
+Princess cake? Bart, you just got yourself a nickname for life.
+Hey Princess Cake! Want some princess cake?
+Bart, are you having a fight with your boyfriends?
+Shut up! I don't want your stupid sweatshirt! Or your tea set!
+Smashing voids my warranty! Have a good life!
+Mom, I only hung out with you because I felt sorry for you!
+That was weird. Will you teach us how to smoke?
+SIDE-BY-SIDE ON MY PIANO KEYBOARD / OH LORD, WHY DON'T WE...
+I can't believe she suckered me into being a mama's boy. I've got to make this place mine again.
+It's gonna take me weeks to get the booger wall back up.
+You're not allowed in here! Can't you read the sign?
+You mean this?
+Ay carumba!
+I'm worried about Mom. She's been sitting there just petting the dog for two hours.
+Hey, Mom.
+Hello, Bart. Just so you know, I sold our bike.
+Faster! Faster!
+But we had so much fun on that bike!
+Mom, I really did like hanging out with you.
+You know... there's a karaoke night at school tomorrow. Some of the little kids are bringing their parents. Do you wanna go?
+Really? Could we do a duet?
+Sure... why not? It'll be fun.
+It's still happening!
+I can't believe Marge hasn't called me. Maybe I should go home.
+Oh, Marge called you. She said... uh... that she loves you and she hopes you break the guy's arm so hard that it pokes through his skin.
+Did she say anything else?
+Yeah. She said to shut up, and stop asking questions and listen to Moe.
+Oh Marge, I love her so much.
+Now Homer, you gotta keep your head in the game, all right? Your first opponent is Lefty "The Righty" Leftwright.
+He looks tough.
+Yeah, he only lost once: in his fight against illiteracy.
+I can relate. I've fought that foe and lost many times.
+Moe, I'm starting to have grave doubts about this thing I barely liked in the first place.
+C'mon, Homer! We can make it all the way to the quarter-finals for the Eastern Division, Class B, over thirty-five, Amateur Grouping!
+Sorry, Moe. The place for my arm is around my wife.
+Homer, come back! You've got my teeth-whitening system in your suitcase!
+Let's see... what would be a good duet? Hmm... "Just The Two Of Us"... "You And Me Against The World"... "Ebony And Ivory"...
+"Ebony and Ivory"? I'm afraid that song's taken! By me and my mother. You know, people say when we're on stage, it's more like "Scary-oke." Scary talented, I assume.
+I'm singing a song with Bart tonight.
+Capital! My mother and I have been performing together since I was in fourth grade, and it's really brought us closer.
+Seymour, where were you? A brightly colored car hurt my eyes.
+Don't worry, Mother. I have your eye balm in my man-purse right here.
+Good boy. You can push your crib into mommy's room tonight.
+It's not a crib, it's a cot!
+If it has rails, it's a crib!
+WHERE IS MY JOHN WAYNE / WHERE IS MY PRAIRIE SUN / WHERE IS MY HAPPY ENDING / WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE? / DO DO / DO DO DO / DO DO DO / DO DO DO DO, DO
+You know, Mother, I wasn't sure about tonight. But seeing us dressed the same really feels right!
+Well, now I'm not so sure about the bells on the painter's pants.
+Are you kidding? I love my tinklies.
+Next up on the Springfield Elementary karaoke showcase is Skinner! And Mrs. Skinner!
+EBONY AND IVORY...
+LIVE TOGETHER IN PERFECT HARMONY...
+Mrs. Simpson, please...
+Hush up, Seymour. She's just saying what we're all thinking.
+Mother, what are you doing?
+Don't call me mother! My name is Mom! And my son is no mama's boy!
+Bart, you are a wild heck-raiser. And I don't want to see you turn into that.
+What, a wall?
+Mom, I thought this is what you wanted.
+Your job isn't to worry about me, it's to give me things to worry about.
+Hey losers, I'm gonna do to you what you did to these songs.
+Interpret them artistically?
+Die! Die! Die!
+Nooo! We were gonna sing "My Sharona"!
+SWEET HOME ALABAMA / WHERE THE SKIES ARE SO BLUE
+SWEET HOME ALABAMA...
+LORD, I'M COMING HOME TO YOU / Alabama!
+Marge, spending time with you is more important to me than all the pie-eating contests in the world.
+I thought it was arm wrestling.
+I was in a pie-eating contest on the way home. Now let's go to bed.
+OOH, MY LITTLE PRETTY ONE, MY PRETTY ONE / WHEN YOU GONNA GIVE ME SOME TIME, SHARONA / OOH, YOU MAKE MY MOTOR RUN, MY MOTOR RUN / GOT IT COMIN' OFF O' THE LINE, SHARONA / NEVER GONNA STOP, GIVE IT UP, SUCH A DIRTY MIND / I ALWAYS GET IT UP FOR THE TOUCH OF THE YOUNGER KIND / MY, MY, MY, AYE-AYE, WHOA! /
+That song is a pop music footnote! I didn't say stop!
+M-M-M-MY SHARONA
+'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY...
+Mid-June?
+Kids, this is the holiest night of the year. Tomorrow is Father's Day, and that makes tonight Father's Day Eve.
+Hey Simpson, are you gonna steal the sign?
+JOY TO THE WORLD, A FATHER'S BORN / LET ME RECEIVE GREAT GIFTS!
+Dad, there's no such thing as "Father's Day Eve."
+No Father's Day Eve... does this mean there's no such thing as... Daddy Claus?
+Fine, there's a Daddy Claus.
+Is there a Super Bowl Bunny?
+Sure, why not.
+Bart... Lisa... we've got to get to the mall before it closes.
+Oh, can I come with you? I know I can't.
+Hey Mom, can I have some money to buy Dad a present?
+If I give you money, how is the gift really from you?
+Where do you get your money?
+Here's a ten. Make your own card.
+Now Ralphie, let me explain it to you again. I give you five dollars and you buy daddy a present.
+Okey doke.
+Hey, hey, give me that!
+Whoa, this is a fifty! This kid's finally paying off! All right, Ralphie. Let's see what you can do with a hundred.
+Come on, Ralphie! Big money, big money, Ralphie! Big money.
+Cool...
+That's what I'm gettin', how 'bout you?
+I'm afraid the best thing I could find is this.
+Ay carumba.
+You know, this mass-produced junk doesn't express how I feel about Dad. I am making him a present that comes from the heart.
+Hello. I'm looking for something in a pipe cleaner. Extra bendy, with medium fuzz.
+Mm-hmm. This just came in from Zanzibar.
+Mm-hmm!
+What a great Father's Day!
+Here you go, Dad. I hope you like it. I've forgotten what it is.
+A LeatherBuddy! There's no limit to what I can do with this.
+Fear not, m'lady! Captain Dash Superstud is here with his small tool!
+Arrr. This is the worst Father's Day ever.
+Oh Captain, you're so handy!
+Bart, this is the greatest present I ever received. To open another gift now would be like following the London Philharmonic with Jessica Simpson. Whatchu got, Lisa?
+What the Hell is this?
+The unicorns are you and me, Dad. I drew it myself.
+What do you think? Huh? Huh? Pretty heartfelt, huh? Huh?
+Oh, it's heartfelt. There's no escaping that. Thanks, honey.
+You didn't like it, did you?
+No, no, no, it's great. I'm done with it now.
+Lisa, sweetie, I think your father would like to put your book up on the fridge where everyone can see how nice it is.
+Aw, isn't that cute?
+Oh Dad, how could you?
+It's not my fault! Lousy magnet.
+"Happy Birthday Dad, From Lisa."
+I still don't understand how her feelings can be hurt. It's my day.
+She's not going to get over this quickly -- I know women.
+Yeah, but I know how to win women back. I even won you back after I lost our wedding album in a bar bet.
+You what?!
+I mean I will win you back.
+HERE COMES THE MOE / WITH A PRETTY GIRL / 'CAUSE THESE ARE THINGS THAT HAPPENED / IN RE-AL LIFE
+Hey Moe, can we get a drink?
+Shut up and hand me more Moe-heads.
+Cool, I'm a street!
+Yeah, if a sign's got your name on it you can take it, and the cops can't do nothin' about it.
+It's like the Sixth Amendment or something.
+Well, that sign would look good hidden under my bed.
+Whoa. Can we dish out the peer pressure, or what?!
+Hey, Milhouse! Cool kids ride bikes with their eyes closed!
+I'm cool!
+I'm outta here. I've got Hebrew school.
+Baruch atah adonai eloheem melech h'olom...
+I'm sorry I made you feel bad, honey. But I'm gonna show you just how much I care about your feelings. One adult and one baby, please.
+I'm not a baby! A baby is zero to two.
+Her first words! Play along. It's fifty cents less for babies!
+I'd rather not go than lie.
+How you doin'? So... is that your jacket on the back of that chair?
+Check it out... I stole the sign.
+Check it out. We stole "The Scream."
+Put that away. It creeps me out.
+Stupid Dad. Doesn't care about my feelings...
+Oh Lisa, may I borrow one of your colored pencils?
+Sure, that's all you men do is, take and take and take, without regard to feelings or unicorns...here, take my lunch, too!
+Just take my whole backpack!
+Which of you boys hurled Lisa Simpson's backpack through my window?
+Oh, it had to be a boy, did it? You think a girl can't flip out? Well, you're wrong!
+My flexi-cast!
+Lisa, I hold in my hand a sticker with a frowny-face on it. Don't make me affix it to your file!
+Don't make me affix it to your file.
+I'm peeling off the back...
+Don't make me do this.
+May God forgive me.
+Willie, we've got rats chewing through the wiring again!
+Leave me alone! I'm makin' me Ramen noodles!
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I'm afraid we have a real problem with Lisa.
+Your daughter broke a window, upended an ashcan, and hurled a Thermos-brand thermos onto the street!
+Does it still keep hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold?
+I'm afraid it doesn't keep any drinks anything.
+I've asked the school psychologist to shed some light on your daughter's sudden burst of inappropriateness.
+I'm afraid Lisa's rage stems from extraordinary disillusionment with a parental figure. In this case, her father.
+Oh yeah, oh sure, it's easy to point out my faults. It's a little harder to shut up.
+Looking at your daughter's essays, this isn't a new trend.
+"Daddy's Face-down Thanksgiving," "Left at the Grand Canyon," "The Day a Policeman Came to My Soccer Game."
+Mr. Simpson, Lisa is at a crucial juncture. If she doesn't see her father as a positive role model, she could hate men for the rest of her life.
+Oh, I know! But how can I undo eight years of jerkiness in two easy sessions at no cost to me?
+If I may make a suggestion.
+The school is looking for a new "Safety Salamander". When Lisa sees you teaching children to avoid downed power lines, it could restore her faith in you and the male gender.
+I don't know. What happened to the last Safety Salamander?
+Uh... he fell asleep in the suit and suffocated.
+I can do that!
+Okay, Lisa. Time for Daddy's big surprise!
+Sometimes it's scary when your dreams come true, isn't it, sweetie?
+I guess.
+Yeah. Now, I'm off to bring safety to Springfield Elementary and win back your love!
+What's that, honey? I can't hear you very well!
+Salamander awayyy!
+Sorry, Bart!
+The first rule of bus safety is always wear your seat belt.
+School buses don't have seat belts.
+Then what protects you if we crash?
+A metal bar at tooth level.
+Stop this bus!
+My teeth!
+Look, Lisa. I made safety happen!
+Safety tip ninety-nine: always double-bolt your easel.
+Son-of-a... Questions? Comments?
+Are you a girl? 'Cause I don't see a sala-wiener.
+Did I hear "where are the fireworks?" 'Cause heeere they are!
+Every man for himself! Trample if you must!
+Safety... safety... die for safety.
+So, sweetie, am I your hero again?
+Janey's father just takes her to the zoo once a month. Couldn't you be that kind of dad?
+Now honey, you know Daddy's not allowed in the zoo anymore.
+Oh, yeah.
+But I'll never stop trying to redeem myself in your eyes.
+How did you do that?
+I don't know.
+I said turn left on Bart Boulevard!
+I'm tellin' you there t'ain't no Bart Boulevard!
+Forget it. The baby's already out.
+Just get out your huntin' knife and cut the umbrellical cord.
+Watch it!
+This is Kent Brockman, live at the scene of the worst accident in Springfield history. But not to worry, the city's emergency services are on the way!
+Can we all agree not to get our insurance involved? C'mon people, be cool.
+Springfield needs a hero and it needs one now!
+This looks like a job for a dad trying to win back his daughter's love!
+I'm forever in debt to you... and my many creditors.
+We were car pooling and that's it.
+My mother's still in the car.
+No, she's not.
+Haw haw!
+Three cheers for our new hero!
+Only three?
+Okay, six!
+That's more like it!
+Hip, hip hurray! Hip, hip hurray!
+Please, you're embarrassing me.
+I hereby award you Springfield's highest honor, the key card to the city.
+Now, any new business?
+Mr. Mayor, your administration has been one fiasco after another!
+Who the hell are you?
+Your Press Secretary!
+I knew I shoulda hired my nephew.
+I am your nephew!
+Okay, so I stink. Tough Toblerone. Read the charter, people: I cannot be removed from office, except by a simple recall election -- and, er, uh, disregard that last part.
+Re-call! Re-call! Re-call!
+Re-call! Re-call! Re-call!
+Re-call! Re-call! Re-call!
+Re-call! Re-call! Re-call!
+Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby has survived twelve reelection campaigns, countless accusations of infidelity, bribery, extortion, and his bizarre attempt to hijack a seven forty-seven.
+Take this plane anywhere girls are going wild.
+But the Mayor may have a tougher time getting past next month's special recall election. Over two hundred candidates have filed, including yours truly, Kent Brockman.
+In other news, a common household fabric can kill you! Find out which one when you vote for Kent Brockman.
+Dear God. Every wacko, nutcase and Disco Stu in this town is gonna run against me.
+Just imagine, me -- the mayor! Then nobody would laugh at my singing!
+I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN...
+I am so screwed.
+Vote Luigi! I make-a the good government, just the way you like.
+Vote for me, a steroid-abusing, pot-smoking, women-groping, son-of-a Nazi, washed-up has-been movie star!
+Oh also, I believe we should keep an open mind toward stem cell research.
+This election is out of control. Someone terrible could win!
+Ah, Mortadella!
+If you're lame enough to vote, vote for me.
+Jimbo. Tough on nerds, tougher on dorks.
+Dad, we've got to do something.
+What can I do? I'm only one man.
+Lincoln was only one man.
+Are you sure there wasn't a midget in his hat? I read an email that said there was.
+Look, as the Safety Salamander, you are beloved by all. And if you were the Mayor, we could make sure that only good people, like me, tell you what to do.
+Hmmm. I will run for Mayor!
+And I will be your campaign manager!
+And I'll find out what a Mayor does!
+Expand my brain, learning juice!
+Oh, I hate press conferences.
+Homie, you might score more points if you didn't wear that Salamander suit. You look like the mascot for some horrible Southern college.
+Marge, without this outfit, I'm just Homer Simpson, multiple felon. With it, I'm a costumed hero like George Washington or Dame Edna.
+Today marks a new dawn for Springfield. This salamander is sitting on eggs labeled "elder care", "flex-time," and "downtown pedestrian mall." And those eggs are ready to hatch!
+Now, I will take your questions.
+Uh, what special powers would a salamander bring to the office of mayor?
+Well, there's my X-ray vision, my fire breath... and I can get big laughs with tennis balls.
+Bloop, bloop, bloop. Bloop, bloop, bloop.
+Wow, I didn't know salamanders could do all those things.
+And to think, for all these years I've been a gecko man.
+Take a hike, jerk.
+Mr. Simpson, what about those photos of you strangling your child?
+Why should we let this election be influenced by a photo taken hours ago?
+Now, restaurant matchbooks for everyone!
+Sala-mander! Sala-mander!
+Homer, you're doin' great. You're way ahead in the polls... even those negative campaign ads aren't hurting you.
+Simpson barely even comes into work anymore. He pays a homeless man to do it for him.
+I, um, I don't feel so good, Blue.
+Hey, people may not love Homer Simpson, but they love this suit. Just like they love their stupid American flag.
+What's that smell?
+It's the smell of impending victory.
+Did you just vomit in that suit?
+A little.
+Have you cleaned that suit once since you got it?
+No, but I swam in it.
+I'd better wash that thing. It's hard to know where the suit ends and you begin.
+But aren't you gonna have fun finding out?
+That's weird. He started off as an egg.
+Our next question goes to Eleanor Abernathy, also known as the crazy cat lady. Cat Lady, how would you boost the city's commercial tax base?
+... small business incentives... ... corporate accountability... ... cats in everyone's pants!
+All right, thank you, Cat Lady. See you in the spin room.
+Okay...
+Our next question is for the Safety Salamander.
+Sir, how would you restore our city's crumbling infrastructure?
+That's an excellent question, Kent. First of all...
+What the? It must have shrunk when my wife washed it!
+Why without his costume, he's naught but a man!
+Hey, screw this. I'm not gonna let any human tell me what to do.
+Si, si.
+That's right, I am a man! The man who dressed like a salamander to win back his daughter's love. Let's meet her now.
+Uh, well, my son is here too. Let's meet him now.
+Heeere's Bart!
+Whasssup!
+Bo-ring.
+We're sick of you and your hatchlings!
+Please, stop throwing fruit!
+Our exit polls show no candidate attained the five per cent necessary to win, and Mayor Joe Quimby will keep his job, which I didn't want anyway. Your loss, jackasses.
+Well, Dad, you tried to make this town a better place. And no matter what, that makes you my hero.
+Aw, thanks. Now how 'bout a dance with your Daddy?
+I can't believe I lost after Ben Affleck campaigned day and night for me.
+Yeah, I warned you about that.
+Whups, be careful of my tail.
+You don't have a tail anymore.
+I still feel it. It's so itchy. Itchy...
+Welcome to the Mayor's Easter Egg Hunt. And now, my rarely-seen wife would like to say a few words.
+Thank you, Joe. In just a few moments, the hunt will be opened by our own wascally weferee, "Hugs Bunny."
+Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, kid. Legally, I'm not allowed to hug you.
+Now, begin the hunt!
+Joe, you said your wife was dead!
+And you said you graduated from typing school.
+I have trouble with the space bar.
+Nelson, those don't count as Easter Eggs!
+Yeah, but they count as breakfast.
+It was worth it!
+Ralph, there's a hole in your basket.
+You're Lisa's brother!
+Hey! Nobody pushes around my precious bundle of joy! Whoops, wrong one.
+I'll take that... Too slow, Drooly Joe... Peek-a-boo! I steal from you!
+Sir, you wanna set the baby down? Don't worry, I just want to talk.
+Silly rabbit... kicks are for ribs!
+This house has such beautiful wainscoting.
+Well Marge, I didn't know you were into wainscoting.
+I read an article about it at the tire store. Did you know it's not named after someone named Wayne Scott?
+You are now in the Mayor's office.
+This is the switch the Mayor uses to call his Chief of Staff.
+That concludes our tour.
+But I'd love it if you'd all join me for tea in the parlor.
+Tea? In the parlor?
+You're like all Easter Bunnies -- can't take a punch to the crotch! Maybe next time you'll think twice before you volunteer to help children. Oh, hey Marge.
+This is my husband Homer.
+Ladies. Marge, is there a small rip in my pants?
+Homer, please! We're about to have tea!
+No tea. Security!
+Everyone, just go!
+Way to blow our tea, Marge. That's the last refrigerator magnet calendar you get from me!
+We throw those out anyway.
+You lie! Stop lying!
+Hey, good looking. Wanna snuggle with "Tyrannosaurus Sex"?
+No, I don't. I'm still upset about what happened today. I don't have many friends and when I finally start to make some, you ruin it!
+Oh, come on, honey, you have lots of friends. There's, uh... Lisa and...the stove.
+Oh, that poor woman. I am gonna find her a friend! Someone cute, athletic, with a nice laugh.
+My husband... and my best friend!
+It's a risk I'll have to take.
+Whatcha lookin' for, Lisa?
+Summer opportunities.
+We're going to twin camp.
+Oh my God! Spend a summer in Rome!
+Rome? Founded by twins, by the way.
+Hey, where'd she go?
+Oh, well. Let's talk in our secret twin language.
+Okay Lisa... ...to study in Rome, an applicant needs outstanding grades, check... Uh-oh. Lisa, it says you have to speak fluent Italian.
+Uh... check.
+You speak Italian?
+Of course I do. Why would I say it if I didn't?
+Flawless logic. But I am going to have to ask you to speak a few phrases to verify your fluency.
+Though not now, because I have a series of important meetings.
+But how's tomorrow for you?
+Because it's terrible for me. But I'll get back to you. Soon.
+Son, I need to find a new friend for your mother. So you're gonna have to finish the shopping yourself.
+We're on food stamps?
+I wish. I made these at work.
+Hmmm. I bet she'd be a good friend for Marge. She looks defeated too!
+Psst. Psst!
+Hey Marge, where you goin'?
+Why does every woman I try to talk to run into cans?
+Vóglio affittáre úna bárca píccola. I want to rent a small boat.
+Vóglio affittáre úna bárca píccola.
+Progétto di scaricáre quésto córpo nell'oceáno. I plan to dump this body in the ocean.
+Quésto è quéllo che prendi per Sáre dománde! This is what you get for asking questions!
+Arrivedérci, ignorance!
+Marge, I did it! I found a woman to be your new friend! She's waiting in the living room!
+I'm going out for some air.
+I bet you can't throw a cat over the house.
+Huh. I was wrong.
+I guess I'm not meant to have friends.
+Stop that hat!
+How 'bout this wind, huh? I don't know how you keep your hair so perfect.
+Johnson's Water Seal.
+My name's Tammy.
+And these are my friends, the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
+The nationwide social organization for women of a certain age?
+Yeah, but we don't sit around watching television and eatin' bon bons. Except on TV bon bon night. Which is every Tuesday and Thursday.
+What are you doing today?
+We're gonna have Margaritas and poke gentle fun at our husbands. Would you like to join us?
+Would I?! Now let's see... Homer cut up my wedding dress to make a badminton net -- which he never uses, he spent my last three birthdays in jail, called out his bowling ball's name during sex...
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey. Save it for Johnny Fiesta's.
+It means masculine teacher.
+And now, we return to the Vic Tayback Motel and Casino in downtown Las Vegas for Has-Been Celebrity Poker!
+As always, all our celebrities are playing for charity...
+What?! I am so out of here.
+Wow Mom, great red dress!
+For your information, I am now a junior member of the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
+Marge... in a gang? What're you gonna do, shoot me with a frosting gun? Seriously, I would love that.
+Oh, you guys make everything fun.
+That's my Italian tutor!
+Oh, hey Milhouse. I think Bart's upstairs.
+I'm not here for Bart. I'm here to teach you Italian!
+Oh sure, I get it. Bart told you I was taking lessons, so you thought you'd come over and--
+Prégo si férmi ed áscoltáre! That means: Please stop and listen. I'm the tutor the company sent over. I'm here to teach you la lingua di arte e la musica.
+You really speak Italian?!
+Si. My grandmother, Nana Sophie, lives in Tuscany. Since I was a baby I've spent two weeks there every summer...
+Nana hated English, because in World War Two a G.I. left her with child -- my Uncle Bastardo. Nana only spoke Italian to me.
+Quésti, il mío cherubíno, sóno délle ólive.
+I love you, Nana!
+Idiota!
+Every time I spoke English, she hit me.
+Ow! That hurt!
+Idiota!
+I'm sorry I'm so stupid!
+Milhouse Mussolini Van Houten! Parla Italiano! Idiota!
+That's how I learned Italian and started wetting my bed. Anyway, what do you say, can I be your insegnánte?
+Okay, if that means teacher.
+Bye, ladies. You can text-message me any time.
+We already did!
+How cute. He tried to stay up but he just couldn't make it.
+Buon giórno, Milhouse.
+Ah, perfétto.
+Thank you. I've been studying. I even made flash cards!
+My efforts!
+Oh Lisa, you don't learn Italian, you live Italian.
+Come. We ride to Little Italy.
+But first, I take care of some classroom business. Lisa Simpson?
+Present.
+Let's go.
+Milhouse, che cósa di nuóva?
+Cíao, Milhouse! Cóme stai?
+Un geláto per la bélla ragázza.
+One gelato for... the pretty girl.
+Oh, Mister Milhouse, thank-a goodness. Could you translate and-a help me buy cheese for my lasagna?
+But Luigi, surely you speak Italian.
+No, I don't. I only speak-a, how you say... fractured English. That's-a what my parents spoke at-a home.
+I had a wonderful time today. Grázie. Grázie míll-eh.
+I'm the luckiest boy in the world.
+Don't be in love, stupid!
+Tammy, I'd never have had the courage to skydive if it weren't for you girls.
+Thanks, Marge. And you know, when we land, we've got a little surprise for ya.
+Ooh! Well, now I really hope my chute opens!
+Goodbye, cruel world! Ladies.
+Marge Simpson, we hereby induct you as a full member of the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
+Welcome back to Fox Sports West Two Classic Fox Sports Fox.
+I feel a happiness I've never felt. I not only have friends... I have a hat to prove it.
+Now Marge, as a full member, you get to share in all our secrets.
+Like our recipe for mock apple pie. The secret is, it's got apples in it.
+And now we can tell you the secret plans for our fundraiser. This year, we're gonna steal one million dollars from Mr. Burns.
+You're joking. You've gotta be joking.
+You're not joking. Any other surprises?
+I'm not a natural redhead.
+I'm sorry, I can't steal. Not even from Mr. Burns.
+Mr. Burns promised a million dollars to the Springfield Children's Hospital. And then...
+Instead of donating this money, I'm going to use it to extend my own life another ten minutes. Smithers?
+And the register.
+Release the hounds!
+Why would you bring attack dogs to a charity event?
+I was taking them to the groomer's.
+Who's a stinky dog? You are! Michelle's going to work on you today.
+There are twelve Fabergé eggs in his vault, each worth a small fortune.
+We can get them, but we need your special skills.
+When I joined, I never thought we'd be robbing people.
+You said you wanted friends. And the one thing about friends is that they stick together, especially when they're trying to pull off a million dollar heist. Maybe we were a little too quick to give you that hat.
+Take back the hat! She deserves bare hair!
+Bare hair! Bare hair!
+Okay, okay, okay, I'm in!
+You ladies doin' okay down there?
+Sorry to wake you, Stanley. Don't let us down, newbie.
+Oh... uh... uh... bird watching.
+Wait a minute... if she's going bird watching why did she leave our "Peterson's Field Guide to Birds" on the kitchen counter?
+Roadrunners are real!
+MILHOUSE IS TEACHING ME / TO SPEAK SO PRETTILY / I'LL QUIP SO WITTILY / WHEN I'M IN ITALY...
+Milhouse! Just what is going on?
+Run along, Angelica. But not too fast, huh?
+Lisa, Lisa. She is the appetizer, but you are the main course.
+Sono cosí matto a lei! Ho pensato abbiamo avuto qualcosa andando, e poi la prendo con questa sgualdrina! Lei me fa malato!
+Lisa, you're speaking perfect Italian!
+Grazie. Idioto!
+Idioto! Idioto! Idioto!
+Now, let's see what Marge is up to. "Recipes," "dress patterns," "toaster undercoating agreement"... "Heist plans"!
+Burns' Mansion?! That's Mr. Burns' mansion!
+Remind me, Smithers: while we're out, I need to get my eyes re-balled and my brain flushed out with vinegar.
+Yes, sir. Oh, and your knees will be back from the shop tomorrow.
+Excellent.
+Okay Marge, you're the only one of us skinny enough to squeeze in this vent.
+That's my special skill?
+Well what'd you think, you're a master of disguise? Not with that do.
+I thought you liked my hair.
+It's all right.
+I gotta stop Marge from doing something reckless and irresponsible.
+Lou, we'd better go after him. Eddie, you direct traffic. You're the graceful one.
+You got it, Chief.
+Look at him tease that Subaru. And that guy can't find a girlfriend. I'll never figure it out.
+I got the combination from Burns after I let him feel me up during the Depression. Zero to the right... zero to the left... back to zero.
+Marge, I wanted to save you from the cops, but the cops followed me! Game over, man! Game over! So, are you gonna introduce me to your friends?
+Don't worry, Mr. Burns. We'll get to the bottom of this.
+Excuse me, Lou. I'm supposed to say that. Acting like the chief doesn't make you the chief.
+If I was acting like the Chief, I'd need size fifty-eight pants.
+Oh here we go with the fat jokes. You know I just wish you could hit the easy targets on the firing range so well. Oh Lou, why do we hurt each other so?
+Because sometimes it's easier to be cruel than to say what you really feel. Permission to hug, Chief?
+Permission... granted. Granted, Lou.
+Thank you, Chief.
+Enough! While you morons are canoodling, someone's burgling my miscellania!
+Try to take my eggs will you? Well, this rooster has a beak! A beak which calls out death-a-doodle-doo!
+Why... you're all women!
+I'm not!
+I suppose, but you're certainly buxom and flirty.
+Oh, well... I try to have a good time.
+All I wanted to do was join a group of women who wore the same outfits.
+Oh, no jury on earth will convict a bunch of moist-eyed mothers. I'll tell you what, ladies, give me my eggs back and I'll let you go.
+And tell me I'm not fat.
+Well, I guess our fundraiser was a failure.
+Don't be so sure.
+Oh Marge, I love you. But to be safe, sweetie, I don't think we can ever see each other again.
+I'll really miss you guys. I'll never forget the three activities we did together.
+Listen, Marge. No matter where you go in this life, you'll always have one friend who loves you body and soul.
+And Marge, there are certain things I can do for you that no other friend can. Special things.
+Wow, this is special.
+I can't believe this happened to me twice.
+Children, we have a special treat today. Willie?
+Welcome to "Diversity Tales."
+Enjoy your multicultural hooey.
+It was the Feast of the Sea Lion Who Would Not Share.
+Come, brother Titi, let us collect cha-cha sticks.
+I will make a headdress for the wedding of Earth Turtle and Moon Mongoose.
+You don't need a headdress. Your most beautiful costume is your self-esteem.
+Pause here to discuss tolerance.
+What is this crap?
+This is worse than "Wheelchair-nocchio."
+Yeah well, if you don't like the movie, feel free to stare out the window. Ha!
+Hey Cryptkeeper, I like your Dodge Scare-a-van.
+How dare you mock my mobile-a-mobile? It was the first car to outrun a man.
+A caveman!
+I thought of that 'cause I slept in a cave last night.
+Of all the... I will not be lampooned by school children. Kill them, Smithers.
+Uh, you could just buy a new car, sir.
+Well... whatever's easier.
+A new car? May I suggest an Oldsmobile?
+Mr. Burns sucks!
+I won't forget who mocked me! I'm taking your picture!
+Now, hold perfectly still for seventy-eight minutes...
+BOMP, BOMP, BOMP, BOMP...
+BOMP, BOMP, BOMP, BOMP... BOMP, BOMP, BOMP, BOMP...
+DO, DO, DO DO / DO, DOOO...
+Simpson!
+Charge! I mean, yes sir?!
+I just bought a new car. A nice foreign number... the Lamborgotti Fasterossa.
+A Lamborgotti Fasterossa? That's the car I think about when I make love to my wife.
+Yes, I need you to pick up my car at the factory in Italy, and ship it directly back to me. I'll save thousands in taxes!
+You're sending me to Italy?
+Can I take my family?!
+Do I have to hang out with them?
+It would be nice.
+Hey, that guy in first class is taking a TV out of his armrest.
+What's in you?
+A buncha stupid cables.
+Hey Brandine! The kids just got a new playhouse!
+Cletus, you are the most wonderful husband, and son, I ever had.
+What's with the Canadian flag on your backpack?
+Well, some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices in the past, oh, five years. So for the next week, I'm from Canada.
+I think Dad may blow your cover.
+That flag is mine! Don't mess with Texas!
+Shock and Awe, losers! Shock and Awe!
+Your car, she's coming off the assembly line.
+This car is the ultimate marriage of design and technology.
+Ooh, marriage!
+Now we have to drive it straight to Rome, where it'll be shipped to Mr. Burns in Springfield.
+Gee, I wish we could explore a little more of Italy.
+Marge... are you encouraging me to be irresponsible?
+Why don't you encourage him to get us some health insurance?
+Why you little...
+So, first time in Italy?
+Wow! I've seen photos of this, but you can't really experience it until you're here.
+A McDonald's where you can get booze!
+Dad, don't you want to turn around and see the tower?
+Eh, there's a picture of it on my cup.
+When Mount Vesuvius erupted, people were overcome by volcanic ash so fast that they were frozen in whatever position they were in at the moment of their death.
+Savages.
+We've passed the Ponte Vecchio bridge three times. I think we're lost.
+Let me check the navigation system...
+It says that we should turn left at a fat chick in a tu-tu being fed by a midget.
+That's a DVD of a Fellini movie!
+I get it -- the midget represents dwarves.
+Dad, cheese truck!
+Mozzarella! Parmigiano! Provolone! Pecorino! Gorgonzola! Fontina! Tallegio! Bocconcini!
+Don't worry. We got the cheese insurance.
+It doesn't cover mortadella.
+Nooooo!
+Stupid Italy... wish you'd never been unified by Victor Emmanuel the Second... if only you'd stayed a loose confederation of city-states, trading with each other and occasionally warring.
+Maybe there's a mechanic in this Tuscan village.
+Hey, do you know anything about fixing sports cars?
+It's a Lamborgotti Fasterosa XT 550 with ABS Sport Tech package.
+Ehhh... Americano?
+Americano? What the Hell could that mean? Why can't you people learn to speak my language? I learned to eat your food!
+Il Mayore capice l'Inglese.
+Hey, she says the mayor speaks English.
+I honor you and your country.
+Kentucky?! In Italian, this mean whore!
+Excuse me... Mister Mayor... they say you speak English?
+Indeed I do.
+Sideshow Bob!
+The Simpsons!
+Sideshow Bob! Of all the Regioni and all the villaggi in all of Italia, you had to be il Mayore of this one.
+I can assure you, I'm as sorry to see you as you are to see me.
+How did you wind up here?
+Yes, tell us your story. But it better have a beginning, a middle and an end. And you'd better make us root for the protagonist.
+My tale begins after I had once again attempted to murder Bart...
+Okay, so far I'm rootin' for ya.
+I needed a fresh start -- but where?
+Not in this lifetime.
+Dammit! / Never! / Now cut that out!
+Ah, Tuscany. Fortune is finally smiling upon me.
+I left my past behind and moved to the small village of Salsiccia. Acceptance came slowly...
+It's pronounced, "buon giorno." Your mouth is getting lazy on the second syllable. Here, let me guide you.
+But that all changed, when the grape harvest began.
+Rinuncio. Questo è troppo difficile.
+I nostri piedi piccoli succhiano.
+Guardate quei piedi grandi!
+THESE FEET ARE MADE FOR STOMPING / AND THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY'LL DO / ONE OF THESE DAYS THESE FEET / WILL MAKE CHIANTI OUT OF YOU. Ready feet? Start stompin'! BA BA BA BA BA! BA BA BA BA BA! BA BA BA BA BA!
+It was the biggest harvest ever. Never had I felt such acceptance.
+The next spring, the contadini elected me their mayor.
+But I won more than the love of a town...
+Roberto?!
+Amore?!
+This is my bride, Francesca, and my son, Gino.
+Holy moley!
+I always thought you were, you know, "out loud and proud."
+Well... I experimented in college, as one does.
+Yeah, I never went to college.
+Stop the presses.
+Hello. I'm Marge. This is my husband Homer, my daughters Lisa and Maggie and my son -- Bart Simpson.
+Bart Simpson? The name Roberto cries when he has the bad dream.
+And he kisses you with that mouth.
+Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! I make likea my daddy!
+Uh, yes, Bart and I used to go fly-fishing together.
+Die, Bart! Die, Bart!
+You shall all stay for dinner. And tell me more about my wonderful Roberto.
+He makes love like a man who just got out of jail.
+Yes, yes, you crave my skillful touch. Now go, take the boy, and shut the door. I'll rock your world anon.
+Simpsons, I beg of you. Please don't destroy the new life I've created here. Surely even the most heinous criminal deserves a seventh chance.
+Bob, you haven't told your wife about all the terrible things you've done?
+Yeah, I tell Marge everything! Not necessarily in words, but in body language -- you know, sneaking around and such.
+Bob, your family will find out the truth. Sooner or later you'll try to kill me again. Watch, I'll prove it.
+C'mon, slice, dice, and serve on rice.
+You little scamp. You know, you'll make some murderer very happy one day... but it shan't be me.
+Bart, Bob is a family man now. You can't be a bad person if you have a family.
+And literature is filled with tales of redemption, from Jean Valjean to the voice of Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen.
+All right, Bob. We won't tell your beautiful new family that you're a homicidal psychopath -- if you fix up our car.
+Grazie. Now, I can't undo the past, but I can try to make it up to you. My humble little town is at your service...
+Questi sono miei amici, le Simpsons!
+Dad, don't act like Mussolini!
+I thought I was doing Donald Trump.
+Here's a cute fact. This sausage shop has been grinding the same family of pigs for six hundred years.
+I love you, Marge.
+He's so wonderful. They must miss him in America.
+Uh... well...
+Eat justice, Sideshow Bob!
+Chief, I tried to warn you. Sideshow Bob hasn't lived here for months!
+Oh, God am I sorry...
+Oh hey, is that a Penn State banner? My cousin went there.
+Did you know him? Mark Wiggum? Fat kid, played a lot of Tetris?
+Mi amici, we are here to honor my old friends the Simpsons. Tomorrow they return to America, taking with them my gratitude, my friendship, and my heartfelt wish that they never return. And now... mangiata!
+No wine for her -- she's only eight!
+Marge, don't be so "Olive Garden."
+Yeah, this is Italy -- look, the town drunk is two years old.
+HEY MAMBO -- MAMBO ITALIANO!
+Bob, your generosity and abondanza have touched our hearts.
+Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo!
+Whoopsie. I'll just get it out with more wine.
+See? S'fine. Go on, go on with the thing.
+It's obvious why Bob is a vaunted pillar of your community.
+Yeah, but he's a wanted killer in our community!
+He deserves to be hailed at this wing ding.
+More like jailed at Sing Sing!
+Time for bed, now. Drunken children tell the ugliest lies.
+Sideshow Bob!
+Sideshow Bob? Il fuggitivo?
+Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta for mi papa!
+Roberto! Is this true? You try to make the murder?
+But darling, the boy drove me to murder by exonerating a harlequin who I framed for robbery at the Kwik-E-Mart... oh, it all sounds so stupid!
+You have brought the shame upon our humble, mafia-controlled village! You are welcome in Salsiccia no more!
+Uh-oh. He's getting that stabby look.
+Simpson family, I hereby swear a vendetta.
+Vendetta means... vendetta!
+Boy, that Sideshow Bob goes from zero to murder awfully fast.
+At least this time it was Lisa who ruined Bob's life.
+I feel so sick.
+It's called a hangover, sweetie. And it's an unavoidable part of life.
+Simpson! Simpson!!!
+Where is my roadster? You were due back a month ago!
+Mr. Burns, we may be experiencing some technical difficulties.
+Sideshow Bob!
+Dad, you're driving on an ancient Roman aqueduct!
+What am I supposed to use it for -- transporting water to distant urban centers?!
+Lazy Romans.
+Everyone remember where we parked.
+Why do I keep trying to kill them?
+Roberto!
+Francesca?! You've come to me. Well, you caught me at the right time, because I swear never to raise this hand in vengeance again.
+No, Roberto. If the Simpsons have dishonored you, they have dishonored our family. And we shall take revenge... as a family.
+Ah, revenge is a dish best served family style.
+We're in a foreign city, with no car, being stalked by a killer. I feel like I'm the Bourne Identity!
+Hey, Krusty's in an opera, here in Rome! He can save our lives! Come on, let's go!
+Opera? They have that here too?
+Let's see, I ain't doin' that, that's not funny, here we'll change "wealthy merchant" to "nudist with big rack", this needs punching up, that's comin' out, two acts?
+Krusty, you gotta help us.
+I don't do "gotta."
+Sideshow Bob has sworn a vendetta against us.
+Vendetta? What's that, an Italian vending machine?
+That's my opening joke. And my closer! And my saver! And my topper!
+Please help us, Krusty. We don't want to be the first Christians to die at the Colosseum.
+Tell ya what, put on these costumes, go on the stage and mix in with the crowd scenes. He won't kill ya in front of all those witnesses.
+Can I be the Phantom of the Opera?
+Dad, the Phantom isn't in this.
+But I do a great impression of him.
+I am the gayest super-villain ever! Beware my scented candles! Oooooo, scented!
+NO MORE RICE KRISPIES
+WE ARE OUT OF RICE KRISPIES...
+Hey, don't blame me. I didn't write this crap!
+I can't believe what that clown is doing to Leoncavallo. And they call me a murderer.
+Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta!
+I don't wish to brag, but he's evil at an eighth grade level.
+Vendetta... vendetta...
+Let's see, what else we got here? So, I had this beautiful tour guide, right? And I tell her I wanna see her Naples. She slapped me!
+We call it Napoli!
+Yeah, well it sounds like you're all taking a napoli. I know you're out there, I can hear you being greasy!
+RIDI, PAGLIACCIO, SUL TUO AMORE INFRANTO...
+It's so beautiful...
+That's Sideshow Bob!
+I know, and he's magic!
+This is no act, they're actually trying to kill us!
+RIDI DEL DUOL CHE T'AVVELENA IL COR!
+LA COMMEDIA È FINITA!
+Quick! Get in!
+Krusty! You saved us!
+Well, I need someone to help me smuggle antiquities to America.
+Everyone break off a piece and hide it on your person. Hide it well.
+Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta! Farfalla!
+Farfalla vendetta! Farfalla vendetta!
+Farfalla vendetta!
+Oh, Homie, isn't Venice romantic? This gondola ride was a wonderful idea.
+WHEN A WIFE LOOKS LIKE THAT / AND HER HUSBAND'S SO FAT, THAT'S AMORE! / WHEN SHE KISSES THAT JERK / WHILE I DO ALL THE WORK / THAT'S A...
+Hey, knock it off.
+Excusa. No speaka English... WHEN A BIG TUB O' LARD...
+Where's Reverend Lovejoy? He's never been late for Christmas service.
+Maybe he's cheating on us with the Episcopalians.
+Look at 'em, with their bright, airy narthex and light, flaky Eucharist. I wouldn't mind dipping my hand in their font.
+Christ is born, who's on my horn?
+Medium.
+Bad news, Ned. There's been a horrible train wreck.
+So many little plastic Christmases ruined.
+You want me to deliver the Christmas sermon? I feel like I'm born again again!
+Don't be nervous, Ned. You've practiced this so many times in the shower.
+Aagh! Paper cut!
+Now there's no one to deliver the sermon!
+Did anyone order a hero?
+Okay, Christmas, Christmas... you know how your paper boy always sends you a Christmas card with his home address on it? What's up with that?
+I wanted you to tip me!
+No tip till they bring back Hagar the Horrible!
+That's not my decision!
+Oh, it's never anybody's decision... anyhoo... I'd like to tell you all a little story I call "The First Christmas."
+I, for one, am dying to hear it!
+A carpenter named Joseph was about to get some frankly preposterous news...
+Joseph... you know I have never lain with a man.
+Tell me about it.
+And yet... I am with child.
+A pregnant virgin?! That's every man's worst nightmare.
+Hail Mary, full of grace.
+That's not all she's full of.
+Quiet, you. Mary, you carry in your womb the Son of God, who will grow up to become King of the Jews.
+So... not a doctor.
+Well, he will be able to heal the sick.
+But nothing to hang on the wall.
+King Herod! We three wise men come bearing gifts for the King of the Jews.
+We bring gold...
+Frankincense...
+...And myrrh, which I am re-gifting! 'Cause who needs myrrh? Here's the tag.
+Thank you. Which one should I open first?
+This is awkward. Eh, the king of the Jews we seek is a-a newborn child.
+Find this pretender to my throne and bring him to me.
+Uh, now, you wouldn't hurt the little boychik...
+Of course not. Kings don't hurt babies... giant, pointy swords hurt babies.
+Good King Herod except you don't really have the "good" so what do you have, really then?
+Now, don't you worry, I've got plenty of rooms at my inn. All with brand new carpeting.
+I think my water just broke.
+You can have the barn. Uh, now feel free to come by the main house for breakfast. There won't be any.
+Just keep pushing, sweetie. The doctor will be here any second.
+Shalom, everybody!
+I've got some very good news. Caesar just invented the caesarean!
+Get him outta here!
+I knew I'd like him. But I never dreamed I'd adore him.
+I've got the Messiah's nose! I've got the Messiah's nose!
+Give it back, give it back -- he'll kill us all!
+He looks just like his dad.
+Not you.
+I'm not the father, I'm not a wise man, I'm nothing. This is the worst Christmas ever.
+Maybe a little toot off the old wineskin'll cheer me up.
+My wine turned into water! Who could've performed such a cruel miracle?
+Why you little--
+Joseph, no! He has to stay alive till he's thirty-three, when he'll be renounced by his friends and crucified!
+Sorry, kid.
+Anytime anyone suffers in the world, he starts crying again. Can you do something?
+Me? But I'm watching the Orange Bowl.
+Hmm... you like physical comedy, eh? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
+Oh, wise man, eh? Pick two.
+Why I oughtta...
+Now hold still.
+Gnah, gnah, gnah.
+Aww... I think this non-traditional household just might make it.
+Jesus, Mary and Joseph! We've got a great family. Now let's get some sleep.
+Herod is coming for the child! Manger danger! Manger danger!
+The kid you're looking for is in there. The other tenants have been complaining about the incessant swaddling. All hours, day and night.
+Gee Chief, I feel pretty bad tryin' to take out a baby.
+Eh, don't worry, boys. No one will ever speak or write of this again.
+What a boffo beginning for my book!
+There they are! I see his head dealie!
+Follow that glow!
+They put his halo on a duck! The oldest trick in the book. What the Hell are you doing?
+Well, he does have a halo. Hail, Quacky!
+That oughtta spruce things up.
+What a beautiful Hanukah bush.
+I say we call it... a Christmas tree!
+Awwwww...
+I kept putting it off, and then I was just too embarrassed.
+A Christmas tree? What a great name! Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
+And did you know that little Baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus?
+Ohhh...!
+I know, it's weird, isn't it?
+Comin' up next, the Energizer Bunny Christmas Special.
+I don't know why I'm so run down. I must be low on Christmas spirit.
+It's 'cause you're using regular batteries. You forgot about Energizer Ultra! Now let me crawl inside you!
+Cold... so cold.
+It's Santa!
+Grampa?!
+What are you doing in the chimney?
+Trying to kill Santa. What's it to ya?
+What do you have against Santa?
+He screwed me over back in Double-ya Double-ya two. I was a Navy pilot in the Pacific...
+Oh, Bart, why'd you ask him a follow-up question?
+It just slipped out!
+...Yep, I was a Navy pilot in the Pacific along with my big brother Cyrus.
+Cyrus? You never mentioned him before.
+And I'll never mention him again! But I loved him, all the same...
+Okay Abe, let's win this war quick, so we can go home and slowly give black folks more rights!
+Kamikazes at two o'clock!
+I'm not worried. Not as long as I have my good luck charm.
+Good thing I stole two of these off dead soldiers.
+Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. Months turned back to days. Even Burns was startin' to look good to me.
+By Christmas Eve, our hopes of rescue were fading...
+Donder! Blitzen!
+Thank you, boys. I guess I must have run into a sudden storm.
+My sleigh! It's ruined!
+Boys, I'm almost ready. I'm just missing Prancer... and Rudolph!
+Quiet you, I'm talking to my best gal. I miss you too, Bernadette. You hang up first... No, you hang up first... No, you hang up first... No, you hang up first...
+I don't have to listen to you. On this island, military rank means nothing -- we're in a state of nature, where the strong of will control the weak!
+How dare you drown the King of New Burns Island?
+How'd you like to be the Archduke in charge of coconuts?
+Hey sailor, my eyes are up here!
+He's German! That's good eatin'!
+And now to bring joy to boys and girls around the world! Ho-ho- Dammit!
+Thanks for everything, Abe. And now I'm off. I'll be back in a few days to take you ho-ho-home!
+Well, that's the craziest thing I'll ever see.
+Except for that!
+I waited and waited, but Santa never came back! If I hadn't invented a jet ski made of coconuts, I'd have never gotten home. And then when I did, the war was over and the nurses were all kissed out.
+That's quite a tale, Grampa.
+It's true, I tells ya--
+It's Santa!
+I got an old score to settle!
+Doggone it, I missed him again!
+My brother's lucky watch!
+Santa must have left it.
+Cyrus, I miss you every day...
+He misses you too.
+He-- wha-- who?
+Your brother didn't die in the war, Abe. He crashed into Tahiti and he liked it so much, he never left. And now, if you like, I'll take you to him.
+Will we be back for the Tournament of Roses Parade?
+Probably not.
+Good. I hate that crap.
+Yeah, me too.
+Santa, one thing's still buggin' me. Why didn't you ever come back to pick me up?
+CHRISTMAS IS A FAMILY DAY
+Sorry, Chuckles. Change of plan.
+This sleigh is my ticket off this hell hole! And I'm keeping all the toys for myself. Because at heart I'm just a very wicked child.
+Sorry I never called, Abe. I was too busy with my fifteen native wives!
+Fifteen? Woo, that sounds like a lotta sex!
+I said wives, not girlfriends.
+/ No poko-miku for Cyrus!
+My God... it's over... We're free!
+It's not over, it's just intermission!
+I said we're free!
+We're still doing Act Two. I'll be the audience!
+Boo! This is terrible!
+I hope I never hear that God-awful nutcracker music again.
+I don't know, Dad. This time of year everybody does it, 'cause you don't have to pay for the music rights.
+Really?
+I'VE STILL GOTTA BAKE MY CHRISTMAS PIE!
+I'VE GOTTA GET DAD A LOUSY TIE!
+CHRISTMAS CROWDS IS WHAT I HATE,
+NO TIME LEFT TO PROCRASTINATE,
+SO MOVE YOUR ASS!
+AND LET ME PASS!
+'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE!
+ER, WHY IS THE SANTA SUIT SO SNUG?
+GRR, WHY SHOULD I CARE? IT'S ALL HUMBUG!
+I'VE JACKED MY PRICES UP SO HIGH / BUT THERE'S NO JUNK THESE SAPS WON'T BUY / LAST YEAR'S EGGNOG / A GREEN HOTDOG...
+'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE!
+THESE HOLIDAY COOKIES SWELL MY FAT!
+EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT GENTILE / WE'LL GET TOGETHER FOR A WHILE
+TO SHOOT THE BREEZE
+AND EAT CHINESE!
+'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE! Oy!
+I TOLD GRAMPA WE'D BE AWAY
+HE'S AT THE DOOR!
+LET'S HIT THE FLOOR!
+'CAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE IS HERE!
+Fine. I'll spend Christmas Eve with the raccoons.
+You got me a gift? Rancid lard?! You shouldn't have!
+Every year at this time I show what's probably my most requested clip. Roll it, Freddie!
+IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR...
+"Give the audience snowballs," they said. "It'll be cute," they said.
+Okay, time for my annual holiday tradition...attempting to kill myself.
+What's it say?
+Hey Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me?
+But I already got you a wool hat.
+Maybe next year. Huh?
+Merry Christmas, Homie. I think you're really gonna like this.
+That's great! Now I'll just get my present for you. Which is... right outside the door.
+Oh my God, I forgot to get Marge a present!
+I NEED A PRESENT FOR MY WIFE / OR I'LL HAVE NO SEX FOR LIFE / DIAMOND RING, A VASE BY MING / SOME KINDA USEFUL KITCHEN THING
+I NEED A STORE I CAN BREAK INTO
+OR A PLACE RUN BY A HINDU!
+THE CHRISTMAS RUSH HAS CLEANED ME OUT / I JUST HAVE JERKY MADE OF TROUT.
+Besides bleeding!
+I knew you'd forget, so my gift to you is a gift for you to give me.
+Oh, it's just what I wanted. Here, Marge, this is for you.
+Eighteen wheels and they all missed me.
+Oh my God, everything we own is in that house!
+How often have you driven by a fire and thought "how can this benefit me?" Well, think no more, and drive on down to the Smoke Damage Outlet Store!
+Where there's smoke... there's bargains! We've got fire-damaged furniture, smoke-damaged smoke detectors, action figure puddle, something we think was an air conditioner, and boxes and boxes of you figure it out!
+Come in today and meet Smokin' Joe Frazier.
+I'm only here because my name has "smoke" in it.
+Oh c'mon, that has nothin' to do with it Smokin' Joe!
+I can send people to your house. Bad people.
+Come on, we're going to that store! Before the next commercial makes me do something else.
+Buy the suit off my back! Only nine ninety-five!
+Stop, drop and save!
+I've never noticed that sign before, and I'm a very good noticer.
+They must have just made this a toll road.
+They can't charge me for something I use every day. What's next, a spatula tax?
+Well, what choice do you have?
+Voila! Which is French for "ta da"!
+Boy, you sure showed them.
+Hey, if she's not payin', I'm not payin'.
+And if you're not payin', I'm not payin'.
+Of course you're not. We're in the same car.
+I just wanted us to start talkin' again.
+NO ONE IS USING THE the toll booth!
+Dammit! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain!
+Get those cheapskates through that toll by any means necessary.
+Got it. No survivors.
+No shooting!
+But it's already cocked.
+All right, shoot it in the fireplace.
+What the Hello Kitty?
+Tire spikes?
+They blocked my shortcut!
+I'm trapped -- like the "L" in a B.L.T.!
+We've gone over the spikes, Tim. We're gonna have to come up with seventy-five cents!
+Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
+Oh, be cool for once.
+Do it, Marge. Today, seventy-five cents -- in five years, eighty! Assuming voter approval.
+Hoo boy.
+My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled!
+Seymour! Get out and change the tires!
+I don't have four spares, mother.
+You don't have four anything!
+Kent Brockman here, atop Mount Springfield, where the melting ice cap has revealed a discovery so gruesome we'll give you a moment to get the children out of room. That's long enough, here it is.
+A frozen mailman somehow buried in ice several decades ago.
+For further analysis, here's the one scientist who's always home when we call, Professor John Frink.
+Uh, based on the ice core samples and the size of the mailman's bell bottoms -- measure that there , we have determined he was frozen some time in the nineteen sixties -- swinging for all, except for me, I was making napalm to drop on Da-NANG!
+The post office has promised to deliver every letter in this forty-year-old mail bag. So get ready... Mr. Largo. You were accepted to Julliard!
+I got into Julliard?! I could have been second chair with the Cincinnati Pops!
+I'm C-3 D-2!
+Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
+Here you go, pally.
+What's this, a letter from nineteen-sixty-six?
+This says I ain't allergic to pollen. So I could'a gone to the park and played with other kids. I gotta make up for lost time!
+SITTIN' IN A ROCKING CHAIR / EATING BABY CRACK-ERS / TIC TOCK, TIC TOCK, TIC TOCK, BANANA / A-B-C-D-E-F-G / WASH THOSE JUNE BUGS OFF OF ME
+I got a forty-year-old letter for Mrs. Abraham Simpson.
+My Gramma? I haven't seen her in years. She ran away.
+Ran away from all this? What a fool.
+Hey Grampa, we got a letter for Gramma.
+Open it up! This may be my last chance to invade her privacy!
+"My dearest Mona. You've just left my arms to return to your husband, Abe, and already I ache for you."
+Mona cheated on me?! I don't know how she found the time with her late-night pottery classes and supermarket trips that took all weekend.
+Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is "age appropriate" reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?
+Uh-oh. "I know I'm just a lifeguard, but I want you to run away with me. If you don't reply to this letter, I'll know that you've chosen to stay with Abe. But I know in my heart that the baby you're carrying is mine.
+Love always... 'M'."
+That's ridiculous! That was my baby in her belly! Look how happy we were!
+Homer, that means your dad might not be your dad!
+So tell us, what's next for William H. Macy?
+I don't care what that letter said. This man raised me single-handedly. When I think of all the things he's done for me... the many times he...
+Lifeguard, huh?
+So this guy might be my real father, and his name starts with "M". Moleman? Mr. Burns? M. Night Shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films!
+Of course I'm your father -- here, mush up your face and you look just like me.
+Yeah, but that also works for the dog's butt.
+Ooh, hello handsome!
+Well, this whole fatherhood issue could be resolved with a simple DNA test.
+Ah, nertz to that! Homer I fed you and clothed you till you were thirteen! If that's not a father, I don't know what is! I'll be waiting for your apology on the "old man" bench at the mall!
+I sit by the trash so people have to come up to me.
+Finished your soda, eh?
+Ooh, your hair's lookin' sharp from the back!
+Homie, what's wrong? Did those pork chops give you a tummy ache?
+The only tummy ache is in my head. I can't stop wondering who my real father might be.
+There's only one lifeguard whose name begins with "M"!
+Mason Fairbanks...
+His hobbies are philandering... writing letters... and making up for lost time!
+Okay, until you're sure this guy's cool, stick to your cover story. Oh, that sounds hard. Just do it!
+Can I help you?
+Uh yes, I'm a reporter with the local paper. I'm doing a story on people who... wear sweaters. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?
+I'd be delighted. But I must warn you, I don't wear a sweater every day.
+Interesting. Interesting.
+So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of fruitcake.
+No, actually I salvage valuables from sunken ships. Some call me a treasure hunter.
+Oh, that is so cool! Ooh, a dish of shrunken heads!
+Those are raisins.
+So, you don't have any shrunken heads?
+Well, my hat size is a number six.
+That is small, right?
+It's smaller than average.
+And this is the lady in my life.
+Uh... you know it's a boat, right?
+Indeed I do. I loved a real woman a long time ago but uh... it didn't work out.
+I'm sure my listeners would love to know the story behind that name.
+Listeners? I thought you worked for a newspaper.
+No... I said I work for a radio station. Nine-eighty on the AM dial but number one with our viewers!
+Viewers? Wouldn't that be for a TV station?
+Uh... well I... I think you're my pappy!
+Wha...?
+I found this letter you wrote to my Mom, Mona Simpson.
+Dear God. I always dreamed this day would come. And now that it's here, there are so many feelings... I -- I...
+Possible Daddy!
+I'm sorry... I got a little carried away there.
+Perfectly all right. Here's your gum back.
+Springfield Public Access Television presents "The Bully Corner" with Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney.
+Good evening, dumbasses. Tonight our guest is Oscar nominee, William H. Macy. Welcome.
+Thanks for having me on, guys. You know, these public access shows remind me of independent film. Special people... not special effects. Big hearts... not big budgets.
+Very well put.
+Now get him!
+Do you know Neve Campbell?
+Marge, I found my real father! His name is Mason Fairbanks, he has a knife just for cheese, and he talks like this "Homer, please do that in the loo."
+Homie, you just met this British man. It's too soon to get so emotionally invested.
+Hm, honey, you've given me a lot to think about... tomorrow, when we're on Daddy's boat!
+Mr. Fairbanks, lookin' at your boat I gotta say, Gramma bet on the wrong horse.
+Now Bart, over the years, I've come to learn that the most valuable treasure is right here.
+On this map.
+These waters are home to a treasure lost hundreds of years ago -- the famed Emeralds of Piso Mojado.
+You know, if I was born three months later, emerald would be my birthstone.
+Yes, fate has a strange sense of humor. The emeralds were nestled in the bosom of a Spanish Galleon, returning home from the Caribbean...
+We must pray to Santa Maria to save us!
+Santa María de Guadalupe, Mística Rosa, intercede por la Iglesia...
+One of you was not praying!
+It was me! I was thinking of a joke I heard!
+Why you little...!
+And now that treasure is somewhere down there.
+Wow, that story had everything: action, treasure, water, a guy... would you like to come to our house for dinner?
+I'd be delighted. I've dined with the Prince of Wales, and with killer whales. But only the latter knew how to chew without humming.
+Listen, old-timer, I'd like you to meet Mason Fairbanks.
+You! First you stole my wife... and now you're tryin' to steal my family!
+Perhaps I couldn't have stolen anyone, had you given them what they needed.
+I was busy telling young people to get a haircut.
+Mason, come see my room!
+Homer, look what this is doing to Grampa. We have to settle this question once and for all with a paternity test.
+I'll take any test you want! Eye test, PAP test, memory test, memory test, Vinnie Testaverde, Ferrari Testarossa...
+Grampa, stop.
+Never! President's Physical Fitness Test, Sealtest Ice Cream, Testor's Airplane Glue...
+Now, Homer, I'll compare your sample to the ones from Grampa and Mr. Fairbanks... then, bingo: Who's Your Daddy! will become abundantly clear. I've prepared a t-shirt for you that covers either eventuality.
+I have the results.
+Oh God.
+Whatever happens, Abe, I hope we can be civil about this.
+Aw, poop in your fist!
+At least I can make both.
+Homer's biological father is... Mason Fairbanks.
+Who's Mason Fairbanks?
+This guy.
+Woo hoo!
+See, Abe, we're still visiting you, even though we have no biological obligation.
+You've said that three times already!
+Well, then you think of something!
+I guess Homer couldn't make it, huh?
+No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!
+So... what setting is that fan on?
+I would have guessed low.
+You would've guessed wrong.
+Today I'm filled with joy: searching for treasure with my long-lost son. My dream for each of you is that you find the happiness I feel today.
+And my dream is to someday wear a real wetsuit instead of one that is just painted on.
+Missed a spot.
+There we go.
+These waters contain some of Mother Nature's most stunning creatures.
+Ha-ha! That's what you get for being luminous, jerks!
+Homer, look! The treasure of Piso Mojado!
+Hey guys, we found the treasure! When I get to shore, I'm bringin' it right to the bar.
+See ya soon, Homer. We got someone else comin' in.
+This is W-A-3-Q-I-ZED. Do you read me?
+Seymour! Isn't it about time you made a real friend?
+Mother, please. I'm communicating with my fellow hams.
+How do I talk? Push this button here? You're all losers!
+Oh, which way did Mason go? That must be him over there.
+What do I do? What do I do?
+Daddy... daddy...
+Daddy! Daddy!
+Grab Daddy's keys!
+Grab Daddy's keys!
+I love that little guy...
+What the... hey...
+I drew this picture of you.
+Aw... it's beautiful.
+Homer, on your wedding day, I want you to have this.
+It may not be much, but it's all I've got.
+That is so sweet.
+I gave you everything and it still wasn't enough.
+Dad, you've been in a coma for three days.
+They had to feed you through a tube.
+Oh Homie, I always believed you were gonna make it, no matter what that pushy casket salesman said.
+Well Homer, now that you're alive again, I'll leave you with your real family.
+Wait. Can we have a moment in private?
+Of course.
+As I lay dying on the ocean floor, I remembered everything you've done for me. To Hell with that stupid DNA test and its ninety-nine point nine, nine, nine, nine, seven per cent accuracy -- you're my dad, and I love you.
+I love you too, Homer.
+And now there's something I've gotta tell you: I really am your father.
+But how?
+After seeing how happy you were with Horatio Homewrecker, I made a decision.
+I switched the names on the DNA samples. Then I put my name first on the list for a new heart.
+My old one's fine, but ya never know.
+Only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else.
+Aw, Dad.
+Now, why don't you stay for dinner.
+It would be my pleasure... son.
+Send up two hams!
+Hey, this one's cold!
+No water fountain outwits Willie!
+Listen... I wanted to ask if you could do something my former father never did for me.
+Anything, son.
+Teach me that the stove is hot.
+Very well.
+No, Homer. Mustn't touch.
+I said no, Homer.
+All right, nap time.
+But I'm not tired!
+Well, well, Bart Simpson in trouble again. School hasn't even started yet.
+What can I say? I missed you, Myra.
+How's things with you and Frank?
+That bum! He says his divorce will be final next week. So why is she pregnant again?
+Ouch. You hang in there, beautiful.
+So, where's the Skin-man?
+He's out admiring his "new" car.
+Ah, nineteen ninety-five. A fine year for Camrys. No one would ever guess you spent three months in a lake.
+Ay carumba.
+Thank you, Satan!
+Just think, Milhouse. From now on we'll always be "those kids who got into the Steam Tunnels."
+Now I gotta warn you. We could get in trouble.
+I don't mind! Trouble's a form of attention.
+Gentlemen, the moment has finally arrived.
+I'm rentin' a party bus and takin' all you regulars to Las Vegas.
+Nevada?!
+That's right.
+Maybe I'll just have a soda.
+Moe, why you bein' so generous? You're usually so stingy and rat-like.
+Yeah, well, ya remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and got a huge settlement... and a new rope!
+Hey, nice rope.
+You could hang a cow with that thing!
+These steam tunnels are awesome. It's like we're in the school's lymphatic system -- and we're the lymph.
+Oh, my God! My Dad had a long talk with me about this, but you can't believe it till you see it!
+The cafeteria loading dock!
+Look -- we're havin' pizza tomorrow!
+I'm gonna eat a lighter breakfast.
+Well, we made it to the valve room. Now we can leave without touching a valve. What a tale that'll be.
+Hey, we can't leave here without turning one little valve.
+Yeah, it'd be like going to Amsterdam and not taking a walking tour of famous doors.
+Hmm, that's odd -- we only turn the heat on for parents' night.
+What the F-minus?
+Steeeaam!
+Grover Cleveland's second term was, if anything, more uneventful--
+Look, a new kid! Get him!
+Our instruments are rusting!
+We're going a cappella, people!
+BOM BOM BOM BOM / BOM BOM BOM BOM
+I've got two kinds of wet in my pants!
+It's so hot... I need a drink.
+This wood is more buckled than a pilgrim's hat. But who's responsible?
+Don't bother struggling -- I've got your scruff.
+Can I cut a deal? I'll give you Milhouse.
+I don't want Milhouse.
+Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.
+Myra, can ya help me out here?
+Forget it. This used to be a Croissandwich. Now it's a ham and cheese car crash.
+Yes, thank you, Myra. To highlight the seriousness of Bart's offense, Superintendent Chalmers will be joining us by video uplink.
+And joining me by video uplink, State Comptroller Atkins.
+Can we move this along? I'm attending an important conference here in Scottsdale.
+You're in Scottsdale? I'm in Scottsdale! At the Hyatt -- room three eighty-one!
+Get outta here! I'm in five oh-two! Hey, do you guys have any ice buckets down there?
+No, we've been using shower caps.
+Skinner!
+You made that TV show really mad.
+Yes, well you won't think it's so funny when we send Bart here.
+Upward Bound: The toughest behavioral modification camp in Northwest Oregon.
+It's the only place cruel enough to straighten Bart out. They use a proven concept, "tough hate", to turn around foul-mouthed hooligans. Then they send them home, quietly ticking away.
+Hmm, this camp's got it all -- climbing some kind of rope thing, wearing a backpack, high-fiving the black kid. It's the perfect thing to straighten you out.
+Got it!
+Now I have a ring tone for my brand new cell phone.
+No wires at all. Except this one.
+Hey, check it out -- I made it partially risqué.
+Hey guys, I have to put the boy on a plane to soul-crushing camp, then I'll be back to go to Vegas!
+Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
+Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system.
+What's your system?
+I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.
+One child to Portland! He's your problem now.
+It seems he was our problem before. Your son's on the no-fly list.
+Why, there must be some mistake.
+There's no mistake. It seems the last time he flew unescorted...
+Welcome to Atlanta.
+Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
+Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do.
+Thanks a lot, thirty-three "C". Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired.
+Well Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.
+Oh yeah?! You're going to that camp, 'cause I'm gonna drive you there.
+Yeah, that'll be way more fun than Vegas.
+Aw dang, Homer ain't comin'.
+Haw haw!
+And Nelson saw somethin' funny.
+Stupid Bart... makes me drive to Oregon... home of unspoiled forests... birthplace of Matt Groening ...
+Dad, neither of us wanna go. Why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose?
+You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.
+Fight back, fun Homer! Together we can win!
+It's no use.
+Aw c'mon, Serious Homer, let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs.
+I'll kill you the way I killed intellectual Homer!
+While the boys are gone, we'll sell all their useless junk and replace it with knickknacks and curios.
+I already made up a yard-sale sign!
+You know, your father saved every book report he ever wrote. And every one was Stuart Little!
+Not to mention this Power Point demonstration he did just last week.
+My Malibu Stacy heads!
+Oh no, Bart blamed this on the dog! I didn't pet him for weeks! Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you, boy.
+C'mon, Dad, we got a long way to go. You can't stay mad at me the whole time.
+Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act.
+Well maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
+At least you have something you're good at. I'm thirty-eight years old, drivin' a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes. Mmm, Snickers pie.
+So, I see you're also traveling with your son. What boy prison are you taking him to?
+Actually, Justin and I are going to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. Sir Peter Hall himself is directing.
+See Bart, I told you things could be worse.
+I'm getting a sweatshirt with Shakespeare's face on it!
+Well, we'd better get back to the Prius, son. Don't forget the menu for our scrapbook.
+Did you see that? They were eating melon for breakfast!
+Look at me, I use a napkin.
+Well Dad, we may not always get along, but we'll never be that lame.
+I bet they're from Massachusetts. You know, it's legal there for a guy to marry his son.
+Well, I guess it's tinkle time.
+Don't forget to wash your hands, Shakespeare.
+So, here for a snack before they roll you back into the ocean?
+Yeah, I'll have the smiley-face breakfast special.
+Uh, but could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o'clock shadow made of bacon bits... and a bacon body.
+How 'bout if I just shoved a pig down your throat?
+I'm kidding.
+Fine. But the bacon man lives in a bacon house!
+No he doesn't!
+You know who would really like this place? Bart. Wait a minute... where the hell is Bart?
+You little monster! Show your face this minute!
+Bart, where are you?!
+Hey Stavros, there's a guy in your bathroom tryin' to dine-and-dash.
+What?! No one dashie-dine on Stavros!
+Why you little...
+I'm stuck!
+Ow! Someone's hitting my butt with something!
+Is frying pan!
+Leave your ass, Homer. Leave your ass.
+So Lenny, how's it goin' in Vegas? Pretty boring, I'll bet.
+Hmm, lemme get this straight. I get all of Bart's action figures, Homer's treasured Mr. Plow jacket , and these Power Rangers Underoos, which I am already wearing...for only three ninety-five?
+That's right.
+Give me five minutes alone with your fridge and you have a deal.
+We've only brought in five dollars. And that came from Mr. Flanders buying back his own stuff.
+My LP of "Dreamcoat!"
+HOW I LOVE MY COAT OF MANY COLORS / IT WAS RED AND YELLOW AND GREEN AND BROWN / AND SCARLET AND BLACK AND OCHRE AND PEACH / AND RUBY AND OLIVE AND VIOLET AND FAWN...
+...AND LILAC AND GOLD AND CHOCOLATE AND MAUVE / AND CREAM AND CRIMSON AND SILVER AND ROSE / AND AZURE AND LEMON AND RUSSET AND GREY...
+AND PURPLE AND WHITE AND PINK AND ORANGE / AND RED AND YELLOW AND GREEN AND BROWN / SCARLET AND BLACK AND OCHRE AND PEACH...
+My yard sale is a failure. I guess I'll have to give everything to the Salvation Army.
+We don't want it!
+Dexonumb? Somnodoze? Percolax? Are these for sale?
+I guess -- they're Homer's expired pain medications.
+Oh, I'm in a lotta pain. I'm, uh, breaking in a new pair of flip flops, and my thong notch is on fire! How much?
+A dollar.
+Per pill, right?
+Uhh... yeah!
+I'll take a dozen of each.
+Oh wow! Drugs in a bottle. I feel like Elvis Presley.
+Whoa! This is so much safer than buying my illegal drugs at the playground.
+Bag or keister?
+Surprise me.
+Um, I'll take all your estrogen.
+That's a female replacement hormone.
+It's for... a friend. Who's trapped in the body of another friend.
+Yeah, kinda...
+Can't talk now, Homer. I'm too satisfied in every way.
+I've got you now, boy.
+Boy! Push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself.
+Hm, if I save you, what are you gonna do to me?
+Shower you with love because this experience has taught me just how precious you are.
+I'll kill you! I'll kill your whole family!
+Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship.
+I'm gonna double kill you! And then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave. Then I'll dig you up and kill you again! That's the beauty of a shallow grave.
+You sweet little angel. Oh, I'm gonna rip your head off. And spit down your adorable little neck. Because I wanna smash your little stupid head. Oh, but I love you we'll go on a fishing trip. But first I'm gonna put you on a sawmill then punch your little face out. That's what I'm gonna do!
+I'm here for the, uh, yard sale?
+That was yesterday.
+No, I mean yard sale.
+What are you talking about?
+Can I buy some pills?
+Well, maybe someone else can help you, but I am not a drug grocer!
+I'm out of drugs! See how much money I made?!
+Oh. Chief Wiggum. Uh, are you still with the police department?
+Save it, Ma Peddle!
+Ma Peddle?
+It's a reference to Ma Kettle. The popular movie character from the forties.
+If you have to explain it, it's not good, Chief.
+Well boy, you made the right choice. I think this is the first step to a new, closer relationship between us.
+Dad, I think you actually enjoy seeing your own son suffer.
+I don't enjoy it. Being a father is just a job. Long hours, no pay, and at the end, all you get is someone yelling "you screwed me up"!
+Well, maybe if you enjoyed me more, I wouldn't be so screwed up.
+Hey, I enjoy you plenty.
+Talking time is over.
+Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We're gonna take his "sass" and turn it into "siss."
+Thank you, Colonel.
+I'm not a Colonel. This is a Boy Scout uniform that I "dolled up." Come with me, son.
+Now kiss your childhood goodbye.
+Woo hoo! Vegas here I come!
+I miss you, Dad.
+Hey Homer, you wanna eat my shorts?
+Don't gamble on my love, Homer!
+I miss Bart! I can't leave him in that awful camp!
+I'm comin', boy!
+I bet this looks cool from overhead though.
+Woo hoo! Vegas here I come! Oh right, Bart.
+Nicely chopped, Simpson.
+I've learned so much in my three hours here. I don't have to play pranks to feel good. I can just listen to the gentle rhythms of nature.
+Stupid horse! It's a deer crossing!
+Wipe the blood off the windshield and get in the car, boy!
+Son, I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago... taking you to Vegas!
+I'm gonna order a steak dinner and eat it on the toilet!
+And don't you try to stop us.
+Uh, normal wear and tear.
+Actually, we were gonna call you, Mr. Simpson. Your credit card was declined.
+Try this one...
+Homer, I hope you get this. I'm in jail and I need ten thousand dollars bail. Hurry!
+Uh, Marge. Me and Bart got in a fight with this really un-cool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him, say "hey."
+Well Maggie, I always knew it would some day boil down to just you and me. I'll look for work in the morning.
+Children, your gym teacher Ms. Pommelhorst has a brief announcement.
+This is very emotional for me. I'm taking a leave of absence. I will return in the fall as Mister Pommelhorst, your new shop teacher.
+We're telling you children now, so you can adjust and not make jokes.
+Looks like there'll be some new wood in shop class!
+Precisely the type of wordplay I seek to discourage. "New wood." Now, please welcome your new gym teacher: Coach Krupts!
+Today we're gonna play a game that's as old as pain itself: Bombardment.
+I'm intrigued! What are the rules?
+Duck or die!
+Bombardment! Deal with it! Bombardment! Life's a bitch, son! Bombardment! Bombardment! Walk it off! Bombardment! Bombardment!
+I caught it! I'm safe!
+Son, are you okay?
+I guess.
+Bombardment!
+Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher.
+But it's the teacher who's bullying me.
+Well, tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.
+Marge, I ripped my pants! The only pants that understand my complex hiney.
+That was your last pair! How did it happen?
+Ow! My ass!
+Sir, your go-cart's damaged.
+I paid for fifty laps and I'm gonna take them!
+I'll have to go to every store in the pants district to find another pair like these.
+Aw, Homie.
+Kiss rubber, loser! You cry like a little girl, Amy! Oh come on now - those were just baby teeth!
+Oh, how much longer can this go on?
+I see you like readin'! How do you like bombardment? Bombardment!
+Bombardment!
+"Bombardment. Bombardment. How do you like bombardment?" I'll show him.
+Time for the bombarded to become the bombardier.
+Why'd I put this in here?
+My saxophone!
+Oh yeah, that's why.
+You're a jerk! I'm telling Mom!
+Van Houten!
+Here sir! But my doctor says no more bombardment.
+Well here's a second opinion!
+Do your worst, I'm drunk!
+Well, welcome to A.A. -- "always attackin'"!
+Simpson! Simpson!
+Hee-eere.
+Bart's got an ice ball!
+What is your major malfunction, Simpson?! You will defrost, drain, and surrender that ball. And then I will use it to bombard you! Bombardment!
+Kid power!
+Me shack! It's ruin't!
+Ya red, rubber home-wrecker!
+Listen, I'm real sorry I busted your shack. Let me make it up to you. I know a ravine where there's a rusted-out car.
+Don't be tantalizin' me with tales of ravines and rusted-out cars. I'll only be gettin' me heart broke.
+That's my mom, I gotta go. I finished nailing this board.
+Oh yeah, you're out of nails.
+Poor Willie. Would you like to spend the night with us?
+I don't need your charity! Not as long as I've got a pan over me head!
+That's not a pan, it's a colander!
+Aw, so that's where all my soup went.
+Thanks for takin' me in, Misses. Please accept this in return: it's me most prized possession.
+It's a sculpture made of children's lost retainers.
+Uh... ooh, ooh, it's lovely. I like this part in here... the way it, um, it goes.
+Willie? I hope I'm not being too personal, but you seem resigned to a life of abject squalor.
+My family's used to it. Me grandfather used to get sent down into the mines to make sure it was safe for the canaries.
+Don't you ever hope for anything better?
+Something better? For Willie?
+ALL I WANT IS A PLACE SOMEWHERE...
+And...?
+That's it.
+Maybe you could aim a little higher.
+Well, let's see... OH, TO HAVE ME SHACK REBUILT / GET MY ROTTEN TEETH ALL DRILL'T /
+SOMETHING ON UNDERNEATH ME KILT / OH, WOULDN'T IT BE ADEQUATE? /
+MATCHING SHOES FOR BOTH ME FEET /
+DINING ON UNTAINTED MEAT / A TOILET WHAT STILL HAS ITS SEAT /
+OH, WOULDN'T IT BE ADEQUATE?
+ADEQUATE... ADEQUATE...
+WOULDN'T IT BE ADEQUATE!
+You're right, Lisa! I do want to better me lot. To live like a normal...
+Hey, that's great. G'night.
+Bart! Willie could have a better life! If only someone showed him how...
+I bet I could turn him into a proper gentleman! And I will do it in time for the School Science Fair!
+You're on, Lis.
+I think you'll find that deep down, anyone can be civilized. Goodnight, Willie.
+Good night.
+Willie, in the next few weeks I'll be teaching you poise, pronunciation and posture. Let's see you stand up as straight as you can.
+Well, there's a first time for everything.
+Ach! I'm too far off the ground! Lisa, come up here and help me down!
+So, how'm I doin'?
+Mr. Simpson, I appreciate how much you love our big blue trousers, but I'm afraid we just don't make them anymore. Sales plummeted after our disastrous Super Bowl ad.
+Big blue pants. When you no longer care if you're attractive to women.
+Mr. Stern, would you make those glorious blue pants again if I whipped up public interest for them?
+Of course, but how?
+Through an advertising campaign so fresh and exciting, I haven't even thought of it yet.
+Well, what have I got to lose, besides the factory that's been in my family for generations?
+How long is this commercial anyway?
+I don't know. I've uh, never made it to the end.
+Okay. How do you address an Archbishop?
+I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya for what ya done to me!
+Lisa, you're a sweet lass, but it's hopeless. Like me Dad told me...
+You'll never amount to anything! You were born trash, and you'll be lucky if you grow up to be garbage!
+Would you like to cut the cord?
+Let him cut it himself. It's time he learned life ain't one big party!
+That was the last time we really talked.
+What the hell are they doin' in there?
+Lisa bet Bart she can turn Willie into a proper gentleman.
+That's as unlikely as Kearney going around the world in eighty days.
+Eighty days? Ample time to circumnavigate the globe, Booger Breath.
+You, sir, have a wager!
+I shall hold the money!
+To Istanbul!
+Wrong way, dingus!
+Homie, what's that?
+On the back of your head.
+It's called "headvertising." It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.
+Well, it creeps me out!
+Wow, it glows in the dark.
+It's not supposed to.
+Alright, let's just try one more lesson. Repeat after me: "What flows from the nose does not go on the clothes."
+What flows from me nose... Uh... It's no use. I'm not very cultured. I don't even have a last name!
+Care to concede that bet?
+No! C'mon, Willie. I believe in you!
+What flows from the nose does not go on my clothes.
+Say it again!
+WHAT FLOWS FROM THE NOSE / DOES NOT GO ON MY CLOTHES!
+I THINK HE'S GOT IT! OH YES HE'S GOT IT!
+WHAT FLOWS FROM THE NOSE
+DOES NOT GO ON MY CLOTHES!
+A talkin' mirror!
+WHERE IS THAT GHASTLY FLOW?
+THE NOSE! THE NOSE!
+AND WHERE SHOULD IT NOT GO?
+BLUE PANTS! BLUE PANTS!
+Dad, get your own song.
+I'M GETTING BLUE PANTS IN THE MORNING / DING DONG THE ZIPPER'S GONNA SHINE...
+Gee, Homer, if those blue pants mean that much to you, they must be the greatest.
+I'm gettin' two pair today!
+I don't get this. This guy paints his noggin and you guys are ready to buy pants. Meanwhile, I been payin' for that billboard outside for a year now, and it's not yieldin' nothin'!
+You don't have to look at me. You don't have to look at me.
+Well, he does have billboard money. Talking billboard money.
+Ew... But he might be right for my friend.
+Behold, the first machine that accurately measures surprise!
+Really? Huh.
+Miss Lisa Simpson, Master Bart Simpson!
+....and Mister G. K. Willington, Esquire.
+I have the strangest feeling I've met him before.
+And you may meet him again... as your new father! Hubba, hubba, mommy like!
+Ha! I get that reference. And you can get me any time you want, handsome.
+You're a smash G. K.!
+Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to announce the winner of the science fair. Though I must note I'm surprised Lisa Simpson didn't enter a project this year!
+That's where you're wrong, Principal Skinner. I did enter a project... and it's been in plain sight the entire evening!
+Mr. G. K. Willington is not who he seems. In fact, he's someone you all know quite well!
+Is it me?
+I give you... Groundskeeper Willie!
+Well, mother, aren't you glad you didn't get more intimate with him?
+Who said I didn't?
+Hm... maybe there's room on my sports wall.
+Now you have a friend.
+Willie, there are no more lessons. You're a proper gentleman, my work is done.
+And that job's taken. Skinner dumped it on the next-lowest guy on the totem pole.
+Oh for goodness sakes!
+How did I get up here?!
+I think this is the perfect job for the new you, Willie. It requires sophistication, tact, and you get to meet the highest class of people.
+What's the "d" for? Dimwit? Laugh, jerk!
+I don't need your charity titters. Now, say hello to my girlfriend, Charity Titters.
+Thank you.
+No! Not now! Not now! Wait till we get to the booth!
+I'm so glad you washed that stupid logo off your head.
+Well, it did its job. Everyone's wearing blue pants now.
+¡El hombre invisible lleva pantalones azules!
+I'd like to get into some blue pants right now.
+What are those doing there?
+Earning us a hundred bucks a week, that's what. Except the Maine potatoes one. It's just a reminder to myself.
+Hey, maitre d'!
+These rolls are stale!
+Bombardment!
+Bring me some more! Bombardment! And, uh, some iced tea for the lady, please. Bombardment!
+WELL BOO-HOO 'CUZ I'M / HANGING FERNS IN THE SHACK WHERE YOU LIVED! If I had your voice, I'd talk-sing everything!
+So, how you doin', Willie?
+Hey, that's my table -- amscray!
+None that has a view of the yoga studio!
+Yeah baby, greet the sun! Downward dog! Ruff! Ruff!
+Hey, when I'm off the clock, kids can jump in the lake! Now get out of my booth, Duchess of Cornball.
+Very well, sir but my name is WILLIE! Now, may I show you the dessert tray?
+Dessert tray, that's a great gag.
+Can I use it?
+I'm takin' it anyway!
+It is with great joy and a sense of once again everything is back to where it started, that we welcome our once and future Groundskeeper... Willie!
+Now let's all enjoy some punch and cookies. Willie, you can start cleaning up now.
+With pleasure!
+HEAVEN... I'M IN HEAVEN...
+Willie, please express yourself through mopping.
+All right.
+And when you're done, here are the keys to your new shack.
+It's just like I remember!
+With one little difference.
+Aw, you made that for me? I think I'll need a moment alone.
+I understand.
+I liked it the way it was!
+Checkin' out a cave is gonna be awesome! It'll be dark, with rocks, and mineral formations, and plants that have adapted to harsh-- Wait a minute! This is a scam -- we're on a nature walk!
+Don't worry, Bart. I brought something that'll keep you interested -- a nickel in a water bottle!
+Wow! Wow!!! WOW!!!
+He'll sleep tonight.
+Where'd it go?! Where'd it go?! Oh, it's in the cap.
+"Local Anahoopi Indians believed this stalactite was the finger of Tsisnajini, their God of pointing down."
+Silly Indians. Our God made their god.
+It's so impressive.
+I'm just gonna get a tiny chip to put on my desk at work.
+Save me, Tsisnajini!
+I'm stuck! And I have to pee. Now I'm just stuck.
+Don't worry, Homer. We'll get that fireman who cut you out of that teacup ride.
+That was two firemen, a crane and Snow White.
+Why you little...!
+This chamber's not on the map! We could be stuck in here forever if we don't find a way out!
+Well, we better start looking.
+Don't leave me! I hate to be alone! Except when I'm watching TV, then leave me alone. But right now, don't leave!
+I'll stay with you, Dad.
+Will you tell me a story?
+Sure. Once upon a time, in a far-off kingdom--
+No unicorns.
+Oh. All right, um, I'll tell you something that happened to me last week. I was walking home from school...
+...when suddenly I heard...
+Hello, Mr. Bighorn Sheep!
+I've read about you. You're shy, and you rarely approach humans!
+And of course you'd never attack a fellow herbivore!
+Mad beast!
+Liberal midget!
+Good Lord! A wooly bully!
+Enter password.
+Dammit, I forget!
+Forgot password? Enter place of birth.
+Pangaea.
+Correct. Your password has been e-mailed to you.
+So long, sucker!
+I mean, don't leave an old man to die.
+So long, sucker!
+Maybe Mr. Smithers will help us.
+No, he's out getting a spray-on tan. He comes back orange and stains the furniture -- the man's a walking creamsicle!
+You worked at Moe's?
+Yes -- and therein lies a tale of woe and heartbreak. One I couldn't possibly recount.
+I understand. I'll just read a magazine.
+Okay, here's the story: I belong to a very exclusive club -- The Excluders' Club...
+One day, while I was savoring the exclusivity--
+Wait, wait, wait, wait...
+Now you're telling me Burns's story?
+Yeah -- it's like the play within a play in "Hamlet."
+Let's see... It's like when you watch old home movies of you watching TV.
+Gotcha.
+One day a new member arrived at the club...
+Yee-haw! Who's this dried-up ol' apricot?
+I'm in oil. What's your racket, Slim?
+Nuclear power. I make money using my brain... not sticking a pole in the ground and praying for goo.
+You need to get your hands dirty, Poindexter! Dip 'em in a little Texas crude!
+Down in Houston we call that a Fort Worth shampoo!
+Sir, I challenge you to a duel!
+You got it! A bullet in the brain at high noon!
+At my age, that could kill me!
+How about we settle things with a scavenger hunt?
+You're on, Twiggy!
+Sorry about that.
+Gentlemen -- you will each be given an identical list of ten items. The first person to collect all items on said list is the winner, and shall receive all of his opponent's worldly possessions.
+Yee haw! I'm gonna win me a nucular plant!
+Dream on, bitch.
+Scavengers... scavenge!
+I'm bald!
+I had but one item left on the list... "A picture of myself with a smiling child." What could be easier?
+It's the boogeyman's grandfather!
+He's gonna drink our bones!
+Smile! Like this!
+Yee-haw! I won! Everything yours is mine!
+Hi-yo, Smithers, away!
+With nowhere else to turn, I spent the first three days with relatives.
+I had to get a job. And I had to start at the bottom. But to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.
+Hey bar-boy, this table's wobbly. Come jam your foot under it.
+Hey bar-boy, write a play where I meet Henry Ford and Captain Kirk.
+Hey bar-boy, dance around like an idiot. Like this!
+I'm-so-stupid! I'm-so-stupid!
+I'm a little busy. Can I do it later?
+Sure! You're gonna be all "I'm-so-stupid! I'm-so-stupid! I'm-so-stupid!"
+Burns sure will look like a jerk later!
+At five-fifteen an hour, it would take an eternity to make my fortune back -- and FICA wasn't helping.
+But then, for once in my life, things went my way.
+I steamed the letter open with Moe's cappuccino machine.
+If you're reading this, I am dead, and you are about to learn the story of my treasure.
+Treasure?!
+Treasure?!
+Moe has a cappuccino machine??!!
+We couldn't find a way out.
+But on the upside, I found some cave paintings and made them awesome.
+Boy, come here and listen to Lisa's story. It's about Moe's treasure!
+So, to contin-
+-ue with the sad sto-
+-ry of Moe's treasure. Top of Form
+It was the first day of summer...
+...I was headin' to the restaurant supply store to buy some urinal-cake mix, when I was suddenly sideswiped by love.
+There she was -- the gorgeous new girl in town, Edna Krabappel.
+Oh, you poor man.
+She had gossamer hair, limpid eyes and the rack of an angel.
+I see you're new to town -- maybe I could uh, show you around? I know a terrific tavern...
+Ha! My ex-husband was a drunk. I hate bars, saloons, nightclubs, and most of all... taverns.
+Oh, yeah, me too! Why, that's why I'm not a tavern keeper.
+What do you do for a living?
+Me? Well, I, uh, for a living? Well, there's all kinds of things a fella can do, such as... hemming, and hawing, and uh, but me, I'm a highly respected uh... therapist for alcoholics.
+I knew that in order to win her love, I needed to get rid of the human garbage otherwise known as my best friends.
+Barney, how do you keep gettin' back in?
+I'm a drunk. I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.
+For one sweet summer, I was a true gentleman. As a result of which, Krabappel was lettin' me do her.
+So, Mrs. Krabappel, you got any plans?
+In the fall, I'll be teaching fourth grade at Springfield Elementary.
+Aw that's great -- wonderful bunch of kids.
+Lab partners don't treat lab partners like this.
+Shut up and attract lightning!
+Edna, you've made me feel love where before there was only pain.
+C'mere, you.
+Aw geez.
+Hey Moe! Thanks to you, I've been sober a week!
+Yeah, me too.
+We're all sober.
+Uh, these are some of the local alcoholics I told you about.
+Don't pigeonhole us, we have other vices.
+I dress up like a baby!
+C'mon guys, lemme give you some counseling over here.
+Listen booze-bags, I got a good thing goin' here. If you mess it up, I will "out" the one of you that is gay.
+So uh, where were we?
+I had to get Edna out of Springfield -- make a fresh start in a new town, far away. A place where we can play bridge with our neighbors. And if they're interested in wife-swapping, who am I to say no? I'm just the new guy.
+But where would I get the money to start a new life? And then, opportunity strolled right in the door...
+Yes, hello. I need directions to the Springfield Natural History Museum. I totally have a donation for them.
+Coins money gold!
+See, this was back before Snake became a notorious jailbird, when he was an idealistic, law-abiding young archaeologist.
+I was, like, excavating this Mayan pyramid and I totally unearth these gold coins and I'm all like "could you be any more pre-Columbian?"
+Uh, you can't donate that gold to the museum today, 'cause um... uh it's closed, so they can clean under the wangs on the statues.
+Uh, well no problem. I'll just spend the night in that motel across the street.
+Love had handed me an awful dilemma. Should I rob this guy or rob him and kill him?
+I decided to do the right thing.
+I've been robbed!
+I'll take my revenge on society. By which I mean convenience stores. And who would suspect me, Professor Jailbird!
+Before we left town for good, we hadda make one stop -- so she could tell the school she wouldn't be teachin' there.
+Back in a flash, my sweet little gargoyle!
+I was the happiest guy in the world. But fate likes to play a little game called "Up Yours, Moe."
+Moe... we need to talk.
+About what? How nothin' changed when you were in there?
+Not exactly. You see, when I went inside...
+Young man, it's summertime. What are you doing here?
+I've got detention all summer.
+Because I'm a screw-up. My sister's the smart one -- all I do is get in trouble.
+Aw sweetheart, do you want to do better?
+Oh, it doesn't matter. Everyone's pretty much given up on me. I bet I won't even make it through fourth grade.
+You'll make it through fourth grade -- because I'm gonna stay here and be your teacher!
+Wait, wait, wait, there's one thing I don't understand here.
+You never had detention all summer.
+Oh, that load of crap? No, I was just keepin' her busy while Nelson stole microscopes. Make with the story.
+Well, my best recollection of Burns' paraphrasing of what he read in Moe's letter is that Krabappel told Moe...
+I have to stay here in Springfield, because boys like Bart Simpson need me...Sweet, misunderstood boys, who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness, that's trapped inside them and is desperately trying to get out...
+There was nothing I could do. Well, except go nuts.
+You crazy skirt! Nobody backs out on fake good Moe! I oughta...
+If I couldn't spend the treasure on Edner, I didn't want to spend it. I just sat there playin' our song on the jukebox. One gold--
+...coin at a time.
+Oh, you poor man. You're about to get a lot poorer.
+You didn't think it was so horrible when you were falling down the hole.
+Okay, I'll take your gold, and give you back all of your worldly possessions, 'ceptin' your nucular plant. You don't get that back till you bring me a photo of yourself with a smiling child.
+What the hell could that mean to you?
+I'm obsessive-compulsive! Yee-haw! One, two, three, four. Yee-haw! One, two, three, four. Yee-haw! One, two, three, four.
+No nuclear plant without a photo. One, two, three, four. That's where we left off. One, two, three, four.
+...so without my beloved nuclear plant, I have nothing to live for.
+Take me, a barren old thistle, and spare this sweet young flower!
+My pearl necklace! I must have lost it, and you were just bringing it back to me.
+How did you find this?
+The sheep was no danger at all. I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing. This must be what it's like to have a baby.
+I want a photo of the hero who risked his life to save me!
+A picture of me with a smiling child?! I can get my plant back!
+100 Industrial Way!
+Mr. Burns got his plant back, and I like to think I found a shred of humanity in his withered soul.
+Aw Dad, did my story make you cry?
+Well, it was very moving, but the thing is, bats are chewing my legs!
+Oh, why did I lead you down here to find those stupid coins?
+Huh? / You knew about the coins? / The coins are down here? / ETC.
+Homer, you brought us to this horrible place on purpose?
+That was the most horrible part of all!
+Well, I guess I should explain. Not long ago, it was my day to take care of the baby, so I was out in the forest, hiding.
+OH THE YELLOW GOLD OF TEXAS / IS WHAT I WANNA SAVE / I WILL NOT PAY NO TAXES / IF I HIDE IT IN A CAVE
+I deduced from his parody lyrics that he was hiding gold in the cave.
+I figured he'd never miss two or three pieces. Money which we could use to pay for Bart's operation.
+I need an operation?
+That's a story for another day.
+I realized I could never find the gold without your help. So I made it this week's family outing.
+I'll take that gold, if'n you please!
+How can you take it? We haven't found it.
+It's right there behind that rock. No, to your left. Texas left, which is your "down."
+I'll take that gold, if'n you please.
+Not so fast, Shady Bird Johnson!
+I'll take that gold.
+Yeah, you'll take it -- and then you'll give it to me, if you know what's good for ya.
+You guys have guns?
+Well so do I. Eh? Eh?
+Yo, coolest entrance gets the gold.
+Um, is it okay that I brought my son? This is my day with him. Jeremy, there's a boy over there you can play with.
+Do you like Xbox?
+Looks like we got us a Mexican standoff.
+If you all don't drop your guns and behave, no one gets the gold.
+And why do you really want it, anyway? Moe, will the gold bring back Edna's love?
+It could. Definitely.
+Mr. Burns, isn't it more important that you got a child to smile at you?
+Honestly no, I'd rather have the gold.
+Oh, absolutely.
+I couldn't agree more.
+I can see there's only one way to turn you into human beings again.
+Lady, I oughta fill you full of... gratitude. That gold was turning us into monsters.
+Well, I know a place where we can atone for our misdeeds. They're building a youth center in Shelbyville, and totally need volunteers.
+Let's go there now!
+Yes, let's.
+I'll catch up with you.
+And that's why I didn't have time to study for my geography test.
+Bart, do you expect me to believe that? That story is the biggest load of... Krabappel? Making out with Moe?
+But I thought you didn't wanna date a tavern owner.
+At this point, all I want's a man with a healthy libido.
+Ah ha. Well, this is where it gets awkward again.
+Yee-haw! Moe can't catch a break! One, two, three, four. Can't catch a break! One, two, three, four. Can't catch a break! One, two, three, four.
+And there're some producers. One, two, three, four. Four producers.
+Why does God always need money?
+It's a lot of little stuff. God has to pay all the elves in his workshop... plus he's got all those planets to support -- you see that ring he gave Saturn?
+Who knew saints had such fat heads?
+Eh, it's all a big scam.
+This booth?
+No, religion in general.
+Not bad.
+Here's your candy apple, sir.
+Excellent.
+And how. But this is different.
+This fundraiser is close to achieving the Lord's goal -- building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty Episcopal church across the street.
+Reverend, why do we really need this?
+To compensate for my own sense of smallness! And now for our main event -- the rubber duck race. The first duck to cross the finish line wins this home computer.
+Oh, that's the new "feMac" ! The computer designed just for women! The "You've Got Mail" voice is Susan Sarandon!
+You've got mail. Unlike the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Get informed.
+Don't worry, Marge. Me and "Terrible Two" here are gonna win that computer for you.
+How can you be sure?
+'Cause he wants it.
+On your marks, get set Wait, someone's not on their mark. That's better... Go!
+Now to begin "Operation: Slight Edge".
+I'm winning!
+He's headed for the old mill. No, Cheatie, no!
+So many paddles.
+Protect the duck! Protect the duck! Produck the tect!
+Hey, this race is for rubber ducks, not meat ducks!
+Woo hoo! I won!
+And the winner is--
+A living duck! I wished too hard and he became real!
+And the winner is Ned Flanders!
+This is my favorite kind of surprise: mild!
+There, there... the fact that you tried means everything.
+Hey... that's the same thing you said to Bart after he choked in that soccer game. And we both know he sucked.
+Hey Marge, I don't I don't really want a computer. You know all those complete strangers Googling each other. Makes my flesh crawl.
+Just put it in the trunk and leave.
+Ned, that's so generous. But there must be something I could do in return.
+Well sir, we could do a little Quid Pro for the Kay-Pro. The left-handed convention is in town, and as the owner of Springfield's largest southpaw shop, I just gotta be there. Could you uh, nanny-goat my kid-diddly-ids?
+...Uh, hmm, let's see, uh just a second uhh... Oh, yeah sure, I'd be happy to baby-sit for Rod and Todd.
+Woo hoo!
+I'm so glad you're watchin' the boys, Marge. Our last babysitter let 'em watch "Comedy Central", now Rod makes me check the closet every night for Rita Rudner.
+No Rudner.
+Here are the numbers for the police, fire, ambulance, poison control, burn clinic, and people nearby with Rod and Todd's blood type.
+Ooh, Carl.
+So, you're gonna be "chillin'" with me tonight. Do you want to play a game?
+How about a sitting still contest?
+Hands folded!
+Okay, game over -- it's a tie!
+That means we both come in second!
+We're number two! We're number two!
+What do you think, Maggie?
+Ooh, wow, it's the Big Unit himself, Randy Johnson! You've fanned more men than Salome!
+Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm here promoting my new line of left-hand Teddy Bears: "Randy Johnson's Southpawz."
+This one's a doctor. You can give it to your doctor. Huh? Huh?
+Do you have one for a mailman?
+A bear can't be a mailman! Now how many doctor bears you want? They come in boxes of a thousand.
+Um, one box?
+You and me got a problem.
+Here's my mask!
+I'm a "Star Wars." Now let's see who you've drawn!
+I'm my brother Todd!
+I'm my brother Rod!
+This is too scary! Change back!
+I'll help you.
+I'm a chipmunk! I eat nuts without saying grace!
+I'm a permission slip!
+...and thank you God for letting Mrs. Simpson come over. It was the most fun we've had since Mommy was here.
+And could you ask Mommy to come to Daddy in a dream, and tell him how to cut our sandwiches?
+And please tell Mrs. Simpson it's rude to eavesdrop on our prayers.
+But we forgive her.
+Hiya Marge. Rod and Todd in the land of nod?
+We had a lot of fun. They're terrific kids.
+Hey, you're welcome to see the dynamic duo any time.
+Hmm, well, then maybe I will come by more often. And Homer can spend more time with our kids... he's watching them now!
+And... joust!
+That was awesome!
+Let's do it again!
+A canoe made of country ham? You know I'll eat it.
+What's wrong with your teeter-totter?
+Daddy says up and down see-saws are dangerous.
+Chocks?! Why don't we try it... freestyle.
+¿Como pueden repetir otras provincias el exito que usted ha tenido en la corrupcion luchadora en Oaxaca?
+Todo empieza en la comunidad.
+¡Ay, el Mundo es loco!
+I heard in study hall you were babysitting tonight.
+Homer! We're not in high school.
+So Marge, in tomorrow's game I'm gonna recover a fumble just for you.
+Maybe you'll run it in for a touchdown.
+Don't pressure me. I get enough of that from my Dad.
+Well, maybe we can take your mind off things by studying for the S.A.T.: "Snuggles And Tickles."
+Old Man Flanders!
+Hey Homer! Sneakin' kisses from the Missus?
+Springfield High football rules!
+No one turn on the sprinklers, okay?
+Dad, Mom's over at the Flanders', babysitting Nimrod and Nimtodd. We wanna do something.
+Fine. As soon as I finish watching my show.
+I wanna go to the showbiz animal retirement home.
+They take in animals from the movies and TV that aren't cute anymore.
+Old showbiz animals, eh? Do you think any of the gremlins from the "Gremlins" movie are there?
+Uh... sure.
+I am gonna get them so wet.
+This is much sadder than I expected.
+Sad? You're crazy. I feel like I'm at the Oscars for the animals I forgot existed.
+I'm not a real bear! That was just the name of my character. Now let me out!
+Hey, you know where the bathroom is?
+Maybe I do and maybe I don't.
+What are you doing?! You're gonna get hurt!
+You didn't hear it from me, but it's next to the rhino cage. Word on the street is: cover the toilet seat with tissue. Sweet, sweet tissue.
+This is Toot-Toot. She played "Tum-Tum" in "Teen Tarzan's Eco-Adventures".
+She looks like she's crying.
+Oh, she probably misses her children. They're all in show business. One of them played the out-of-control judiciary in a Republican party commercial.
+Cheer up, Toot-Toot. Have some of my ice cream.
+My son's been ape-napped!
+No, no, it's still "kid-napped." The prefix applies to the victim.
+Help! She's grooming me! She's grooming me!
+Aren't you gonna do something?
+I'm afraid there's nothing we can do now. A chimp that size could tear your son's head right off.
+But she'll leave the rest of him alone?
+Uh, uh... would you like to meet Flipper?
+May I remind you they're old when they come here.
+Well, well. Look at my dull-eyed angels.
+What's this?
+It's the ripcord from a Band-Aid wrapper! Call me Ned Zeppelin, but is one of my boys abrased and contused?
+I cut myself on the knife, playing Christian Clue.
+The secular humanist did it in the schoolhouse with misinformation!
+Well, I think it's about time you boys get to bed.
+Yes, Daddy.
+And so we don't have another disaster, you crawl up those steps!
+Ned, I know you like to worry, but these boys are never going to get self-confidence unless you let them try things for themselves.
+I just can't. They're all I've got since that sad day when Maude found eternal happiness.
+I thought they might enjoy it if I took them here.
+Everything's covered in foam. And it's owned by a corporation, so you know it's safe.
+Well, their mascot is a kneepad wearing a helmet... why not?
+Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.
+Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.
+I didn't say that.
+I know what you think: when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.
+I could never think something that horrible.
+And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you.
+Sorry I asked.
+Dad, you can't keep this up for long.
+Oh, you're so right. I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt. And maybe I'm talking like this because I can't stop. Help me, Lisa! I have serious mental problems!
+Look, it's been fun and all, but I miss indoor plumbing.
+Sorry, lady. I've never eaten fresh fruit and I reckon I never will.
+Whoa! This Oreo is rank.
+Bart! Bart!
+When the monkey falls asleep, I'll sneak you out in this trash bag. Then I'll come back and feed the monkey a peach full of antifreeze.
+Whee. Whee.
+I fell asleep before the monkey.
+Lookin' good, Rod!
+Ned, are you checking up on me?
+I'm not Ned, I'm a friendly dog. Oh, I'm not a good liar. I did come here to check on the... where's Rod?
+He's up there, Daddy.
+Daddy! Look how high I am!
+He chipped a tooth! How will he bite Wheat Thins? How?
+I'm sorry, Ned. I never thought this would happen.
+I don't want you watching my boys ever again!
+She must be an unfit mother, etc.
+I am not an unfit mother!
+We interrupt this skateboarding footage for a breaking story: local boy Bart Simpson is being held hostage by an angry chimpanzee who has improved both his hygiene and posture.
+His so-called real mother could not be found for comment.
+Hey Monkey, eat tranquilizer dart!
+Mr. Simpson was later revived by a police stun gun.
+WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE GYM / I'LL MAKE IT SAFE AGAIN / WHEN PLAYTIME IS A SAFE TIME, EVERYBODY WINS...
+NOW I'LL LAY DOWN SOME ASTRO TURF / SO THEY DON'T SCRAPE THEIR N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-KNEES...
+Daddy, what are we gonna do today?
+Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do: look at bread.
+The 'N' word!
+We want Mrs. Simpson back.
+She let us run barefoot in the grass and play Uno.
+Uno?! That's a gateway game to pinochle. All diddily aside, boys, what is it about her you miss so much?
+She made us feel happy.
+And not church happy... for real happy.
+Maybe there's another way to solve this. Bart is clearly fulfilling an emotional need for Toot-Toot.
+Lisa, monkeys don't have feelings. If they did, then my experiments could be called cruel.
+Toot-Toot! Look! I'm using this rock as a tool!
+She's kissing his boo-boo! That's it, I'm going in.
+Excuse me, Mrs. Toot, I need to talk to you mother to mother.
+While you were living the glamorous life of a TV chimp, I was raising my son. You have no right to take him away from me now. Please, please, give me back my boy.
+Marge, Toot-Toot and her son escaped!
+The Hamburglar was survived by his long-time companion, Mayor McCheese.
+Now, our latest update on monkey boy Bart Simpson. Toot-Toot has taken Bart to the highest spot in town -- the new steeple atop the First Church of Springfield.
+Now Marge, I-I know things look bleak, but it should comfort you to know we have this plaque ready to go.
+Hey, I know how we can save Bart.
+Mr. Teeny?!
+He also happens to be Toot-Toot's son.
+But Krusty said Mr. Teeny was born in Funny Town.
+Nelson, Funny Town doesn't exist.
+Nooo! I was gonna live at Cuckoo Corners!
+Listen, we can trade Mr. Teeny for Bart. We just have to find a way to get him up there.
+I'm already doing it!
+Roddy, get down! You're gonna fall!
+Ned... Rod needs to know you believe he can be okay on his own.
+You'd be surprised what he could do if you just gave him a chance.
+Rod... You can do it, boy! With God on your side, you can't fail!
+Toot-Toot, I have something for you.
+BREAK OUT! BREAK OUT!
+Yeah, great. Now I need a new sidekick. Get me a lemur, or a marmot, or Tom Greene, he's not doing anything these days. And really stick it to him on the money.
+Hurry, let's climb down.
+Okay, but don't let our hands touch. It's gay.
+What's gay mean?
+Um... it means you used to be afraid, but now you're not.
+I'm gay, Daddy! I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay!
+I believe he's saying he's okay.
+My little boy's growing up.
+Hey, I'll say! I haven't seen climbing like that since Dudley Moore married Susan Anton!
+Oh Bob, why did I wait a hundred years to get you up here?
+You're tellin' me! Now I can look down Dolly Parton's dress whenever I want.
+Guys, I'm trying to watch this.
+What got into her?
+Eh, her kid's fruitier than Carmen Miranda's hat rack. Remember her?
+I am so stoked about Lenny's party. He said he's gonna make a surprise announcement!
+Maybe he's getting married!
+Why the hell would he want to do that... blessed sacrament that has made my life so rich? I like your hat, sweetie.
+I'm not wearing a hat!
+I mean the one at the house.
+Another party and we cain't go.
+Yeah. Just 'cause we's afraid of usin' the uppity box.
+AIN'T NO PARTY / LIKE A LEN-NY PARTY / 'CAUSE A LEN-NY PARTY DON'T STOP!
+Eh, I gotta work tomorrow. I-I'd better go.
+Oh my God!
+"Mother-Flippers?" What's this show about?
+How did Lenny get to be Newsfake Magazine's Man of the Year?
+That's just a souvenir from an amusement park.
+What?! Next you'll be telling me he didn't meet Woody Woodpecker!
+I dated the woman in that suit for three months. Then she left me for the guy who cleans the vomit off the roller coasters.
+Hey Lenny, I see you cut the celery at an angle, here! Makes my straight-cut celery look like crap.
+Attention everybody! Please shut up!
+I know you're all wondering why you're here. The fact is, I'm dying.
+To tell you that I have adopted...
+...A new faith...
+...in the power of technological advances to make me happy. That's right, I've got a new plasma screen HDTV!
+I've never seen a picture so highly defined!
+Lenny, this TV is amazing. If you're not careful, I might just spend the rest of my life on your couch.
+You don't mean that literally, of course.
+You're right, Lenny. I...
+Lenny! Bring me a beer and your deepest chamber pot! Chop-chop!
+Look at that picture quality -- you can see the soulless emptiness in that shark's eyes.
+Ooo, "Two and a Half Men!" You can see the soulless emptiness in Charlie Sheen's eyes.
+Dad? Please come home, we miss you. Is that a high-def TV?!
+Mom didn't say anything about high-def!
+Later, if I have enough energy, we can walk up to the TV and I'll show you how thin it is.
+Wow, there's a rainbow outside.
+Oh yeah, well right there's a commercial with a dancing cold sore.
+And Bodell Jenks the Third crashes into Bodell Jenks!
+The winner is, Bodell Jenks Junior!
+Wow, I can actually feel the heat.
+Beat it! This is my alone time!
+Can you at least take a picture of me with the TV?
+I ain't fallin' for that again.
+Oh yeah, good times.
+Stupid non-plasma TV. Picture so blurry. Might as well rub dirt in my eyes.
+Homie, I've been thinking. We have been using this TV for a long time. So I entered a contest where the first prize is a plasma screen TV.
+Oh Marge! I love you! I love you! I love you!
+Now I really hope we win that contest.
+There's a chance we won't win?
+My collection is complete. Forty years of the Family Circus.
+Y'ello.
+Congratulations, Mr. Simpson. You've won!
+The big screen TV?
+No. No one wins that. You won third prize: a tour of the Fox Network in Los Angeles, California.
+All expenses paid?
+Uh, look, I gotta go.
+Here's where we make "The Best Damn Sports Show, Period." And there's where we make "The Worst Damn Comedy Show, Period."
+Ooh, why look, there's Dan Castellaneta from the Tracey Ullman show.
+Hey, funny man, say something funny!
+Please don't lean out of the tram, sir, you might get hurt.
+Don't lean out of the tra--
+Here's where we develop our many reality shows. There's "Dwarf or Midget: America decides," and "Million Dollar Fart-off"...
+Uh, this is a reality program, dear, where we take wives from two very different families and they trade places for a month.
+I already saw that exact same show on another network.
+Here, sweetie. Have a Fox sweatshirt.
+This is an ABC sweatshirt.
+Yes, and it zips all the way up.
+'CAUSE I'M SAVIN' ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU...
+Spray 'em down!
+So, what's the prize on this wife swap show?
+Oh, about enough to buy a new plasma TV.
+That's just the product I've been coveting! Pick us! Pick us!
+Not so fast. Are you sure you want your most intimate moments broadcast across the country?
+Are you kidding? Take a look at my DVD.
+They'll never let me near Lake Havasu again.
+What are you doing, Homer?
+I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family.
+Well, that might be interesting... or it could damage many, many lives.
+Oh Marge, you're the greatest mom ever. I want the whole world to see that.
+That's very sweet, but I...
+Look, I've done a lot of these. Everyone has fun, no one gets hurt, and you make a lot of money you could really use.
+And if you say yes now, it'll make a great act break.
+I'll do it!
+Perfect. But could you say it again with more emphasis on the "I'll"?
+I'll do it.
+No, no, go back to the first way.
+I'll do it! Wait, I wasn't happy with that.
+You know what? Just do it the way it feels comfortable to you.
+I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it.
+How was that?
+Uh, we'll get it later.
+These are the Heathbars.
+Verity, who will be your new mom, is the youngest-ever full professor at Yale.
+I got my tenure at twenty-eight.
+Oh really? Bart, when did you get your tenure?
+I got my tenure right here.
+Yeah, well I have full tenure.
+We'd better pixelate those.
+There aren't enough pixels in the world!
+Yeah, uh, just cover it with Ryan Seacrest's head. This is Charles.
+You can call me Charlie. But do not call me late when there are scones about. Little British humor.
+I'll bet the twist is he's gay.
+Your two families will exchange wives for a month. Then a viewer vote will decide who they think is the least reprehensible.
+I don't understand, Dad. Our family has so many flaws. Why must we share them with the world?
+Because we'll be on TV, and earn enough money to buy a TV. TV.
+But Dad...
+Yes, TV-sa?
+Forget it.
+Listen up, Stonehenge. I made a drawing of the places on Marge you can't touch. Especially the hair.
+Oh, you needn't worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man, myself, actually. A bit different, a bit weird. Not sexual.
+You take forever to say nothing.
+Ya know, you don't seem like the money-hungry semi-stripper who's usually on Fox. Why'd you do it?
+Well, I thought there was no further way I could humiliate my husband. And then this opportunity came along.
+I see. Well, I should be getting to the living room...
+You know, I despise my husband.
+Well, he didn't get the prize pig at the fair, either.
+Charles hasn't satisfied me in years.
+Yeah, that's how I feel about Notre Dame football.
+Cruel, dusty years!
+I don't know why I ever married that woman.
+So, Charles, what do you do for a living?
+Well, I'm an office manager, and no, I didn't even get a promotion today, again. So go on, go ahead. Disembowel me with your pointy, pointy words.
+Really? You manage a whole office?
+Yes. Yes, yes I do, actually.
+Well, that's very impressive. Does that include the people and the furniture?
+Yeah, and I decide where the Christmas party's held. Actually, it's decided by committee. But, you know, I choose the committee. Hello.
+I don't, I don't choose the committee as such. Um, but ya know, I choose where they meet. This year I am thinking of conference room "C".
+That leaves "A" and "B" available for overflow. Well done!
+Bart, I told you: no television till you do the dishes. And I do not call that doing the dishes.
+Well, my Mom says why bother punishing me, I never learn.
+Disgusting. Young man, I'm going to turn that cartoon into homework.
+Help me, cameraman! I let you smoke a cigarette in my bedroom.
+That was a joint. And I have a name: it's Doug.
+Then Itchy used an ice cream scoop to scoop out Scratchy's heart and make it a sundae. The End.
+Now Homer, would you care to give your report on "C.S.I. Miami?"
+Uh, okay.
+There's this guy that got killed -- I think it was in Miami? So C.S.I. Miami investiga-ted-ed it. Then a family said how much they loved the Olive Garden. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, Letterman was talking to Alias.
+That's wonderful!
+Indeed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Mandarin Chinese lesson. Xie xie. Zai jian.
+He's a very impressive boy.
+The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. A tree that's been alone for far too long.
+I don't get it. Are you saying you're the tree?
+Maybe... are my roots showing? Wordplay, brilliant. Would you like to hear a joke?
+As long as it's not a knock-knock joke. I always ruin them by saying "come in."
+No, no. This joke is actually quite funny. You see, this man, he finds a magic lamp, and a genie comes out.
+That's funny.
+That's just the setup.
+Well, you've set me up, for laughs down the road.
+So the genie says, "I'll give you three wishes, but whatever you get -- your wife gets double." Okay, remember that.
+Oh, how nice for her!
+Now here's the humor. The man says, "I want a new car." The genie says, "Your wife gets two." Okay, you remember the double? The man says, "I want a new house." So the genie says, "Your wife gets two."
+So the man says, "Beat me half to death."
+It's funny, don't you get it? Cuz she gets double so if he gets beaten half to death, the wife would be beaten to death.
+That sounds horrible.
+I agree, terrible. Offensive towards women. Little amusing, don't you think?
+Me either. Spousal abuse. It's uh, it's a real problem. It's not funny. It's tragic, if anything so...
+Well, I liked the genie part. That was fun.
+You think so?
+Yes, I could really picture him. With curly shoes. And smoke all over the place. You're a born storyteller.
+Well, yeah, suppose I am. Yeah... yeah, not a murderer.
+Would you like to hear another joke?
+I sure would! Let me just get us some iced tea.
+One more kind word from her and I am completely smitten.
+Ooh, your toaster takes bagels. How ritzy!
+And there we have it.
+What's that delicious smell?
+I'm burning all your underwear.
+What's with the kimono? Are we having LaChoy?
+No, Marge. I was just sitting around, drinking vermouth and contemplating how just when you're drowning in a pit of despair, life can throw you a beautiful blue life preserver.
+I thought life preservers only came in orange. Because wouldn't it be hard to see blue in the ocean?
+Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. No logic. Not tonight.
+Where's Ben?
+The housekeeper took him out for a walk.
+How long do we have to stay here?
+Till I'm sick of drinkin' these. And I'm never sick of drinkin' these.
+That's right, it just gets worse.
+So, you see, we have the whole house to ourselves. Oh, who left this here?
+Did I tell you I'm a bit of a songwriter? Words and music, hold the applause. I wrote this song for a woman. You.
+What an odd thing for a man who's not interested in me to do.
+Yes. Not interested. Let me just breathe your scent for a moment before I play.
+LADY WHEN YOU CAME TO ME / I WAS FEELING BLUE
+BLUE JUST LIKE YOUR HAIR YOU SEE / BLUE JUST LIKE THE MOON
+BUT ONLY WHEN THE MOON IS BLUE / AND NOT WHEN IT IS CREAM / AND NOW THAT YOU ARE HERE WITH ME / I AM IN A DREAM. Oh yeah, Marge. Your dreams can come true.
+And I'm coming with you -- to tell my sea hag of a wife, "You're fired!"
+LADY WHEN YOU GO AWAY / I FEEL LIKE I COULD DIE / NOT LIKE DYE LIKE YOUR HAIR IS DYED / BUT DIE LIKE LADY DI / NOT LIKE DI LIKE HER NAME IS DI / BUT DIE LIKE WHEN SHE DIED
+BUT LADY, JUST LIKE LADY DI / BE MY PRINCESS TONIGHT.... / BUT DON'T DIE... DON'T DIE...
+That song was very nice. How'd you think up so many rhyming words?
+Marge, I love you. And I can tell from your basic level of courtesy that you love me too.
+What? No! Listen, Charles, I don't want to hurt your feelings...
+Because you love me, right? Admit it. We were born to fall into each others' arms on reality TV.
+I'm sorry, but I love Homer.
+Of course you do.
+He's a real man -- not like me, a miserable toad under the thumb of the biggest bitch this side of the Westminster Kennel Club.
+Charles, please -- your son might see this.
+He's not my son! His real father is either the pool man or my wife's lover. They're the main two candidates I've narrowed it down to. Pretty sure.
+There, there. God, I miss Homer.
+I miss him too. What is it about him that is so damned irresistible?
+Well...
+He's loved me ever since the first moment he saw me and he's never stopped. And whatever it takes to make me happy, he'll do it even if it kills him.
+Sorry, I ran out of tape just before that beautiful speech of hers. But I got a great shot of him saying his son's a bastard.
+Lisa! What are you doing in the Nutmeg State?
+Fox flew me out here to bring you back. They flew me on Frito Lay's Air Force Yum!
+And I'm required to say "Come to the cool ranch and rope in flavor. Yee ha."
+Let's go home, sweetie. I'm sure there's a hamper full of Homer waiting for me.
+I was doing uh, Donald Trump. Billionaire. If you knew who he was, you'd be dying.
+I know who Donald Trump is.
+Me too.
+I don't think you do. Spot on.
+She's nowhere to be seen. Time to let Homer be Homer.
+Homie, I missed you so much! Put your pants back on.
+Oh Marge, thank God you're back! She made me spend time with the kids. And not just TV time. Talking time!
+Where is she? Where is the soul-sucking she-beast I call "Sweetums?"
+Maggie? She's in her crib.
+No. My soon to be ex-wife.
+I, uh, I don't think you wanna see her just now.
+Oh yes I do. She's got the shock of her life coming to her.
+Charles?
+I'm leaving you.
+Ya snooze, ya lose.
+You're leaving me for him?!
+So it would appear. However, Cousin It, there, was born a woman.
+What brought us together is how much we hate you.
+Yeah, well, I'm gonna vote "No" on Thirty-eight so you can't adopt.
+Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling place is up a hill and I never make it!
+YOU MAKE ME LAUGH / YOU MAKE ME CRY / WITHOUT YOU I'D JUST / WANT TO DIE / FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE / YOU'LL BE A FIXTURE / NOW LET ME ENJOY / YOUR PICTURE IN PICTURE...
+And Marge, you're pretty great too.
+Yeah, whatever.
+Oh yeah, can you feel it? Just stay with the credits, just riffing now. Words... and chords. Not the poetry in the real thing but not bad for an ad-lib... not good, but... And, it's not long enough, so I'll just do a little bit more. And it's nearly done, that's the final credit, that's the end.
+Next on Fox, Carmen Electra stars in "Boobs".
+About a class of remedial reading students and their teacher who wants to be taken seriously.
+I thought it was about her boobs.
+Tonight on Jock Center: a slugger on 'roids, Tiger Woods is annoyed, and North Korean missiles deployed!
+But first, the commissioner of pro football has announced plans to expand the league! Owners will meet soon to award a new team to one lucky city.
+Well, it's a cinch Springfield won't be that lucky city.
+Yeah, the only thing we're known for is leading the country in heart attacks.
+I've had enough of your stinkin' thinkin'. I, Homer Simpson, will personally bring the new pro football franchise to Springfield.
+God, we have fun.
+Homie, snagging a pro football franchise is a big project, requiring a lot of follow-through...
+And that's not your strong suit, big guy.
+I'll show you all. I'm gonna spearhead the hell out of this expansion bid!
+RING AROUND THE ROSIE...
+Homie, you've been down here for a week, I really think you need- What the Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise?!
+Marge, meet pro football's newest team: the Springfield Meltdowns!
+Plus I designed a state-of-the-art stadium. We'll fund it with corporate naming rights. It's the Duff Beer-Krustyburger-Buzz Cola-Costington's Department Store-Kwik-E-Mart-Stupid Flanders Park!
+So... Homer do good?
+Homer do great!
+Maybe Homer brush teeth first...
+I remember him.
+Gentlemen, I've narrowed our choice of expansion cities down to two: Springfield...
+Yee-hah! I own slums there!
+...And Los Angeles, which has sent us this videotape.
+Oh, hi! I'm Rob Reiner, director of "When Harry Met Sally." "I'll have what she's having" was one of the lines. I'm here to tell you why you should choose L.A. over Springfield.
+L.A. has the beach, a thriving music scene, and the beautiful Getty Museum. Springfield has Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
+Hollywood takes in talented actors and writers from all over the world. Springfield takes in garbage from other cities.
+But don't just take my word for it -- some of Hollywood's biggest stars have taken the time to sign waivers allowing celebrity impersonators to sing in this video.
+L.A. MAKES GREAT MOVIES, AND AWESOME TV SHOWS / SPRINGFIELD DON'T MAKE NOTHIN', 'CAUSE SPRINGFIELD BLOWS / SPRINGFIELD BLOWS...
+SPRINGFIELD BLOWS...
+SPRINGFIELD BLOWS... 'CAUSE SPRINGFIELD BLOWS...
+I'm sick of L.A.! They got earthquakes, wildfires, Bennifers, Brangelinas, and that potty mouth Sarah Silverman! To hell with all of 'em!
+I didn't kill my husband to get control of his franchise to give a team to Los Angeles!
+Then Springfield it is! Yee ha!
+Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go tell my gay grandson I still love him.
+This is Kent Brockman live at Duff Beer-Krustyburger-Buzz Cola-Costington's Department Store-Kwik-E-Mart-Stupid Flanders Park. In just one hour, the commissioner of football will arrive to sign the contracts necessary to make Springfield the home of pro football's newest team -- the Meltdowns!
+I've got Melt mania!
+I've got Downs syndrome!
+As you surrender your body, what music and visual imagery would you like to experience?
+In honor of the commissioner's visit, the city has been repainted in the team colors, and all the streets whimsically renamed!
+"Touchdown Avenue"? Delightful!
+Who ya talkin' to? Your imaginary girlfriend?
+Isn't your mother a well-known whore?
+You win this round, Mel.
+It is my honor to introduce the commissioner of football, Mr. Bud Armstrong!
+There, er uh, seems to be some delay. Um, did I ever tell you people about the time I met Lloyd Bridges?
+Yeah, you passed him in the airport!
+Yes, but which airport?
+Hartsfield in Atlanta!
+This map says things like "Oak Street" and "Evergreen Terrace". But all I see are "Two-Point-Conversion Avenue" and "Off-Season Knee Surgery Boulevard". I'd better call and ask for directions.
+I'll just Blackberry my assistant.
+Oh my God!
+Oh, what a day.
+Who are you? What do you want? What year is it? Who are ya?
+I have to borrow your phone. Oh, and I also need to use your bathroom. As you can tell, I've been crying.
+Tonight on "48 Minutes", we look at America's number-one problem: criminals who prey on the elderly people who watch this program!
+I'd go to some geezer's house and ask to use their phone or their bathroom.
+Well, I'm done with the bathroom. Now I'm going to make that phone call.
+Then I'd steal their wallets, jewelry, and pictures of their grandkids!
+I made a collage of these, and when you step back, it looks like my face. Ha-ha!
+If I knock him out, I'll be a hero. And people will listen to my loose-brained nonsense.
+By the shores of Gitche Gumee, / By the shining Big-Sea-Water, / Stood the Wiggum of Nokomis... I'm sorry, did I just say "Wiggum?" I meant "wigwam." Yeah lemme uh, lemme start again.
+It's so strange that the commissioner didn't show up.
+Maybe he's thinking of a new shape for the football.
+Not so tough when someone hits you from behind with a golf club, are ya?
+Grampa, that's the commissioner of football!
+I thought he was tryin' to steal my jewels - and all them pictures of Bert and Lucy!
+I am never coming back to this city -- and neither is the league!
+You mean...
+That's right! The Springfield Meltdowns football club shall never be!
+You're a useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.
+I watch the baby.
+Where is the baby?
+You left me with a baby?
+Hey Abe, thanks for losing us our football team.
+Thanks to you we have a hundred million dollar stadium we can only use for Farmers' Markets!
+You're the only smile I got.
+Abe, I know you've been real depressed lately, on account of everyone hatin' ya, including me. But I thought you might want to call this number.
+A doctor? I already got enough doctors, touchin' me and pokin' me and squeezin' me up here and jigglin' me down there... and that's just the receptionist!
+Abe, Abe, Abe! This doctor helps old people to kill themselves!
+Euthanasia? No way! I want to die with dignity. Like slippin' in the shower and then they find me two weeks later, swollen up so bad, they don't know if I'm man or sofa.
+Just go for a visit. There's a Howard Johnson's next door. You'll get some pie.
+Mr. Simpson, you are a good candidate for assisted suicide.
+Aw, I think you're cute, too.
+But killing yourself isn't as easy as putting on an ugly sweater like you did today. I want you to carefully think about this for twenty-four hours.
+Oh, I see. You want me to reconsider whether or not I really should give up my life.
+Yeah. And we're cleaning the death machine today. A lot of gunk gets stuck in it.
+Okay... if I get a single phone call in the next twenty-four hours, I'll keep on livin'.
+If you go, can I have your blanket and your liver?
+Blanket? Sure. Liver? Never!
+Homie, you should give your Dad a call. You can't stay mad at him forever.
+Yeah, you're right.
+Y'ello. You want my opinion on current movies?! Well, first of all, they're all perfect. Also: when's the Cap'n Crunch movie coming out? And will it be "R" or "Hard R"?
+That's it. It's time for me to die. I'll just get mad about one thing in the newspaper, then go.
+President visits Europe?! On my dime?
+I am so honored that you've chosen me to murder you. You'll be following in the footsteps of Socrates, Virginia Woolf, Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, and Fred Kanickee.
+Who's Fred Kanickee?
+My appointment before you.
+Nice guy, just a little, a little screwed up.
+Now, it is time to hook you up to the DiePod!
+I wanna hear the Glenn Miller Orchestra, and I wanna see cops beatin' up hippies!
+One minute to go.
+Hands off the stiff, Manfred Manslaughter! The voters just overturned the assisted suicide law.
+I'll kill you all! When the law's reversed.
+I'd like to see you try! When the law's reversed.
+I think you know my brother-in-law, Fred Kanickee?
+Hoo boy.
+I'm dead! I never felt so alive!
+And I got my sixteen-year-old body back! Woo hoo!
+Now let's see: am I in Heaven or Hell?
+Hmm, that's odd. You'd think that they'd come back as the cows.
+Charlie Chaplin?! They sure put you to work.
+You said it.
+And you can talk! Good for you!
+You're all dead too?
+So, who went berserk? Fatso or the little guy?
+We're not dead... and neither are you.
+I'm not?! I guess if you wanna commit suicide around here you gotta do it yourself.
+Suicide?!
+Grampa, killing yourself is a sin! God wants us to die of old age, after years of pain and reduced mobility!
+I ain't gonna kill myself -- 'cause I just learned somethin'.
+The brief time I thought I was dead was the happiest I've ever been -- because I was finally livin' without fear! And dagnabit, that's the way I'm gonna live the rest of my life!
+You're all gonna die in a pointless war!
+We're here tonight to discuss possible uses for this football stadium, including the solid gold statue of Mike Ditka with diamond eyes.
+I suggest we use the stadium for the ancient art of the toreador... bullfighting!
+No! Wait! Wait! Bullfighting is a cruel, pseudo-sport!
+Lisa's right! It is a cool, super sport!
+Everyone in favor of bringing bullfighting to Springfield say olé!
+So ordered. All we need now is a uh, er, uh, er, uh, uh, er, uh, er, er, uh, uh, matador.
+If it's all the same to you, I'll take on those bulls.
+Grampa no!
+Grampa si!
+If the bull dies, the crowd goes wild. If Grampa dies, the crowd goes wild. Either way, we make a fortune on souvenirs and snacks.
+Can we bring outside food?
+Not even gum!
+Is the practice bull ready?
+Hell, yeah!
+Ooh, a penny. This is my lucky day.
+Yep, my lucky day.
+HOW MANY BULLS / MUST MY GRANDFATHER KILL...
+Aw, she's so cute.
+We'll bring you the bull's heart, sweetie.
+Well, I had my doubts, but Grampa sure looks manly in those leggings!
+And I don't know who's more handsome: the bull taunter or the bull stabber.
+And the corrida de toro has begun!
+The bull charges at Grampa Simpson...
+And he avoids the toro with a masterful veronica! This old man has no fear. Like the fear I feel that I have left the iron on at home. Have I? Have I?
+And another veronica! And another! That last veronica means everyone here today has won a free side of rice and beans at the Springfield Taco Pronto!
+Dad, that's Mac Tonight.
+Tired of waiting two hours for a taco? Go to Taco Pronto!
+Grampa, I think you should give up the bullfighting.
+Forget it! I'd look pretty stupid in this outfit walkin' around fightin' oysters!
+But you just got a new lease on life. Why would you want to use it to hurt poor, helpless animals?
+Listen, I'm eighty-three years old, and for the first time in my life, people are cheering for me.
+I was always cheering for you, Grampa. Till now.
+How does she always know how to get to me?
+Grampa Simpson's movements are tentative.
+As if he is distracted.
+Distracted as if by a moral dilemma. A moral dilemma posed by a young boy... no, a girl! A girl named Linda... no, Lisa! The flutter of the cape tells all.
+Hurry up and kill it! I have to be at the opera by seven!
+C'mon, kill it...
+I don't get what he's doin', and I'm smart. Not book smart or street smart or brain smart, but somethin'!
+He has released the bulls from the stadium! Thank God I am up high.
+Please no! I have a wife and three girlfriends!
+Grampa must've set them free!
+Ol' Gil's back on track. He's got a new job and a new red suit.
+If you let me go I give you free large pizza pie with purchase of same. Offer not good Tuesday through Sunday. We're closed on Monday.
+Thanks for settin' me straight, sweetie.
+De nada, Grampa.
+It sure is peaceful up here.
+I love it when Mr. Burns shows a movie at work.
+I'm not sittin' up front with you guys. It's bad for your eyes.
+Suckers.
+Before we begin the movie, please join me in a moment of silence for the workers who gave their lives in an heroic --
+Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie!
+The American worker. Proud. Tough. Hardworking...
+And tired!
+These jobs are killing us!
+Outsourcing, take them away!
+It's a miracle! They moved our factory to a third world nation!
+Now I have more time to play the lottery. Ka-ching!
+Hey America... why not let some of the other countries carry their share of the load? You can. With the best kind of sourcing: outsourcing.
+What a great film, and I think it makes a terrific point: effective immediately, I'm closing the plant and moving all operations to India.
+Does this mean we're losing our jobs?
+No, no, your jobs are safe. They'll just be done by someone else in another country.
+Oh no! I just bought a three million dollar house!
+However, federal law requires I keep one union worker on the payroll. So congratulations, whoever catches this bouquet.
+Woo hoo! I win! In your face, best friends!
+You've been transferred to India!?
+Hey, Marge it's what I've gotta do to keep this family living in luxury.
+Luxury? This thermostat is just painted on.
+Oh my God, you're right! I'd better call the guy.
+Send someone right over! Ooh, here he is.
+Yeah, well while I'm gone, you'll do what he says.
+What's a MacGyver and why does it have a convention?
+MacGyver was a show about a secret agent who used inventions made of everyday objects to defeat bad guys.
+And he was played by the three greatest names in the history of television: Richard Dean Anderson.
+Did someone mention my names?
+Richard Dean Anderson!
+You finally came to our convention!
+No, I'm looking for the convention for my new show, "Stargate: SG1".
+Oh. That.
+It's over there.
+Star-gate, S.G.-one! Star-gate, S.G.-one!
+You're into MacGyver? That show was so stupid! "Oh, I'm MacGyver, I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster!"
+That show was just a paycheck to me, and nothin' more.
+How could he say that? MacGyver is my world.
+Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong Richard Dean Anderson fans!
+Stargate!
+Richard Dean Anderson, of the four 'Star' franchises: -wars, -trek, -gate, and -search, "-gate" is easily my third favorite.
+I get that a lot.
+Question S.G.-one: How would your character, Major-General Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill, react to appearing at the Springfield Stargate Fanfest?
+I feel like I've just gone through the Stargate... to one heck of a convention!
+He's aware of us!
+What in the name of Steve Ditko?
+Hey, leggo! Hey, watch the face -- I need that for acting!
+Whoa! He's gone!
+What about her.
+There must be a Stargate in this stadium!
+Everybody, look for it!
+Wait, wait, I have some even more exciting news! There is a girl in the audience!
+Everybody, look for her!
+This is a kilt, and I'm not a girl!
+You're as close as we'll ever get! Get him!
+Surprise!
+This is kidnapping! People are gonna know I'm missing -- there's a liquor store I go to every morning.
+This isn't a kidnapping.
+No. Think of it as a two-on-one MacGyver convention.
+That will never, never end.
+First, you're gonna sign a couple of autographs.
+You can write "help me" all you want. No one will ever see it.
+Aw Dad, we'll miss you so much.
+I'll miss you kids too.
+Attention: India Air Flight fifty-seven. Now boarding first class, small children and fat guys.
+That's me!
+Homie, I got you something to read on the plane.
+Woo hoo!
+A book?
+Oh, the cereal's just a metaphor.
+It's a book about management, and Lee Iacocca says it's "definitely, dot dot dot useful."
+Thanks, sweetie. I've never been less angry to receive a book.
+This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame, the Indy 500, Wrigley Field, Dodger dogs --?
+You ignorant American, you have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.
+Delighted.
+Oh no! I took a job on the other side of the world!
+Oh, I hate this sub-continent.
+Lisa! It's me! I'm in trouble!
+Calm down, Dad. What happened?
+A cow took my iPod and I punched it!
+Uh-huh... Do I have to? Okay, okay, I'll show the cow I adore it.
+Oh baby... ooo, did you lose weight?... oh c'mon, baby, don't play hard to milk...
+Okay, Apu said his cousin Kavi could help me out.
+Let's see... Apu's cousin is medium height, dark complexion, brown eyes, black hair...
+Are you Kavi?
+Are you Kavi?
+Yes, oh, you must be Mr. Homer!
+Finally.
+He's escaped!
+We'll be busted for kidnapping! I can't face jail!
+Richard Dean Anderson!
+Why did you come back?
+To tell you how I escaped.
+I had to get out before another one of your bristly kisses. Then I remembered the blue contacts I wear to hide my Latino heritage...
+Now all I needed was a sling strong enough to support my two-hundred-pound frame.
+Abra cadabra!
+MacGyver lives! And not just at two a.m. on the U.S.A. Network!
+My real-life escape from your love dungeon was the most exciting thing I've ever done!
+It was?
+Tie me up so I can do it again! But this time, don't make it so easy!
+Too much?
+Not for MacGyver.
+Why did you want to make an entrance like that, Sir?
+I'm a showman!
+Welcome, new employees of the Bangalore Nuclear Power Plant.
+The energy generated here is transmitted through undersea cables right back to America.
+You know, Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers.
+So what? Your beer's German, and the TV's Japanese .
+Well, is there anything in this bar that's made in America?
+Just this.
+God, misfire!
+Now, I'd like to introduce you to your new manager. You'll find his integrity and dedication make him untouchable.
+Sorry I'm late. I was doing Carnak with my bodyguard.
+Hindu. What do you call the moisture on your Hin?
+Classic. Now, tell them how to run a nuclear plant!
+Uh... duh... uh... um... uh... duh... Did I say "um"?
+Okay book, I didn't read you, and you didn't read me, but we're both in this together, so say something smart or get ready to run like hell. Um... "In business as in breakfast, fried eggs have fragile yolks... huh, huh?
+He's got them eating out of his hand. And to think you doubted him, Smithers.
+Sir, can we talk about this "arranged marriage" of mine...
+Dad, I've gotta write a report on the Great Lakes.
+Just outsource it to Lisa. Outsourcing is the answer to everything.
+Also, I can't sleep at night 'cause there's this new bully who follows me home and...
+I think he's in the house!
+Outsourcing!
+I am very glad to see you favor outsourcing. I myself have found work with several American companies.
+IBM help line, this is Brian... Uh huh. Uh, have you tried disabling your firewall?... Dallas-Fort Worth Marriott, how can I help y'all?... why, we have a Cotton Bowl Special. Go Aggies! This is Queen Mama Jumbo, the stars tell me you have a question... Oh no, Jenny, don't be dating that boy, the bones don't lie, he's bad mojo, girl.
+Okay, here's the plan. You lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects: a nail file, a farmer's almanac, a gun with no bullets, some bullets, and three of my MacGyver writers.
+Sounds great. Can we do it during lunch?
+Nooowwwww!
+Simpson, I don't know how you're doing it, but you're outputting ten times the power our American plant ever did.
+Well, a little book once told me...
+...having only one pancake leaves room for more bacon.
+I see what you're saying. We're crowding your plate. In fact, there's no need for us to be here at all. Let's go, Smithers.
+You're giving me absolute power?!
+Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
+Absolutely not! When it comes to running a nuclear power plant, this man's a god.
+This is Selma in line at the Luray Caverns.
+Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a dinner engagement. I don't want my scooped-out monkey head to get cold.
+I'm not a God. God has a white beard and invented the Da Vinci Code.
+Actually, in our system of belief, there are many gods.
+Hmmm, let's see. You got the Elephant Man, Johnny Six-Arms, Papa Smurf... these guys are pretty cool. Maybe I am one of them. If only I had some kind of proof.
+I won a free soda! I am a god!
+Sir, I really don't think we should've left Simpson in charge.
+No office talk. I'm floating down the Ganges with my new chums.
+Those are corpses!
+You never like my friends.
+What's goin on? We flew all the way out here 'cause Homer sent us this crazy card.
+Behind one of these doors is Homer Simpson. Behind the other, a Bengal tiger. Choose wisely.
+Both doors have tigers!
+One of those tigers is named Homer Simpson.
+Welcome home! Guess who made MacGyver burgers? MacGyver!
+We didn't have any ground beef.
+Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater, and rubber bands to hold it all together.
+We gotta get rid of this kook.
+I got an idea.
+Which episode are we watching tonight? 'L Is For 'Lake Tahoe' -- Part Two'... 'Bless Me MacGyver For I Have Sinned'?
+We thought maybe you would like to see some of our globetrotting adventures.
+I am a God! I know all!
+It turned out it was the line for the ladies room.
+This is the ladies' room.
+This is us at the Alberta, Canada Carriage Museum. That's a phaeton. Landau. Buckboard. Post-chaise. Surrey.
+Surrey. Surrey. Selma. Surrey.
+You're in a tight spot, MacGyver. This calls for your most ingenious escape ever.
+This Olive Garden coupon! It expires at midnight!
+You're not holding a coupon.
+Um... MacGyver away!
+Well, he's gone.
+Yeah, and we'll always have what he wrote on our window shade.
+What did he write that in?
+Grape juice and tears.
+So Mr. Burns, you're saying my Dad has gone insane and thinks he's a god and broken off all contact with the outside world?
+I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
+You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is "shut the hell up."
+A-bom-shabai. A-bom-shabai. A-bom-shabai.
+Mom, I'm scared.
+A-bom-shabai. A-bom-shabai. A-bom-shabai. A-bom-shabai. A-bom-shabai. A-bom-shabai.
+Should we take all our stuff, or are we coming back on this boat too?
+Same boat, but uh, take it anyway. They use the boat for a Dixieland Booze Cruise while we're gone.
+A-bom-shabai! A-bom-shabai! A-bom-shabai! A-bom-shabai!
+Silence! Now for my amusement, let the monkey fight the elephant.
+Homie, stop! You're not a God!
+You're just a sweet guy from Springfield who wanted his family to have a better life.
+Oh yeah? What's Mom's birthday?
+It's... um... Jannnn... Febbbb... Marrr...
+It's May!
+May firrr... seconnn... thirrr...
+You don't have to worship him. He's not a God.
+We know that.
+We follow him because of the secrets he tells us.
+What secrets?
+He told us of... overtime pay.
+And coffee breaks.
+And flex time! / Casual Fridays! / Onsite daycare! / Low dental co-pays!
+Muffin baskets on your birthday!
+With Mylar balloons!
+Mylar balloons! Mylar balloons! Mylar balloons!
+This man told you about these things?!
+Yes, in fact he gave them to us in a binding contract. A-bom-shabai means "Vote Union".
+A-bom-shabai! A-bom-shabai!
+Up until now I was with you. Even the beast on beast combat, that had potential.
+But treating employees like human beings... that is madness!
+Oh, you appear ill, Sahib. Maybe you should take a personal day. Take one of mine... they are transferable.
+I'm proud of you, Dad. You're the first man to ever outsource the American worker's sense of entitlement and privilege.
+Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore. I wanna go home. How's Chief Wiggum?
+He was gravely wounded in a bank shootout.
+Yeah, he's funny.
+Well, I guess we'll have to relocate to an area where the workers are more desperate and ignorant. Springfield.
+You're fired! You're all fired! Fired, fired, fired!
+Woo hoo! / Two months severance! / Early retirement!
+Evolution?!
+Golden parachutes for all!
+Go ahead and join them, Smithers. I know you want to.
+Yes, sir!!!
+When is our food gonna get here? I'm starved.
+I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats.
+See, it goes: ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs... and back to ship's wheel.
+What about this swordfish?
+My life's work ruined.
+Arr... Sorry about the delay. The chef is having a bit of a problem with tonight's special.
+Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you somethin' from a better restaurant.
+Red Lobster?
+Not that good.
+Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time.
+Too bad I don't know any.
+I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of the Mayflower.
+Ah yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.
+Not prostitutes, Protestants.
+Now who's being naive?
+The year was sixteen twenty...
+Hurry, my little Puritans -- we must flee England and its insufficiently Puritanical ways.
+Do you have your shipboard entertainments?
+I've got my toy wood lump!
+What jolly fun!
+Finally, we shall bid goodbye to England and its drunken, decadent sinners.
+Outta my way, you God-fearing Buckleheads!
+Hide me!
+Please, you've gotta help me! If they find me they'll kill me.
+Has anyone seen this knave?
+He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the king's name is James and not Jacob!
+Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.
+Oh Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.
+Noble sir, you may accompany us to America in my late husband's clothing.
+And I will make thee a hat from construction paper!
+So, thou art a widow, eh?! Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.
+Good sir, I do not approve of your fleshly gaze.
+Oh baby...
+Goodbye!
+Don't come back!
+What kind of a booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?
+We Puritans have no place for drunkenness... or colorful clothes, or dreaming, or poetry. So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet! Oh no, that was a poem!
+Forgive me, Lord! Then, pour a little salt in the wounds... and I'm good.
+I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish.
+Stupid Flandish. Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how 'bout a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest? What do you say, Miss...
+Constance Prudence Chastity Goodfaith.
+My friends call me "Marge".
+Marge Obedience Temperance Sexwon't.
+Back off, newbie.
+We're engaged! I didn't kill her husband just so... I mean, I didn't kill her husband.
+We're not engaged.
+It's really more of an amiable concordance.
+I warned ye there'd be mutiny.
+Such language from a woman... Oh no, I just thought of you as a woman!
+Lord we thank you for the many ways you show your love: the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding, and your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.
+Now I gotta warn ya, even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.
+She's gonna marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.
+Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.
+Why thee little...
+Oh don't stop -- you're choking him just the way his father used to.
+Good times.
+Perhaps thou wouldst make a good father!
+May I escort you to the railing?
+Oh my God, look at that hand-on-hand action! If I don't do somethin', soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.
+Yes, the weather is fair.
+Man, that guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious! That's how we talk. Weird, huh?
+Time to think of a plan most sneaky.
+Anyways, I just wanted to let you know, that I'm throwin' a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far.
+Beer? I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower.
+Stop callin' it that!
+What-ever.
+I was savin' this booze to mess up the Indians, but uh, seein' what good pals we are, I wanted to give you a taste.
+Say, I know a good drinking game: take a sip every time a wave hits the ship.
+Oh, you're good at this.
+Oh Lord, thank you for this generous rain and abundant lightning.
+Ten-four, good buddy!
+Obviously kissing your ass is getting me nowhere.
+This storm's blown us off course! And where's our crew?
+I'll show you where they are. You don't wanna miss this, Marge.
+Sin! Sin! Sin!
+Horseplay? Roughhousing? Horse-housing?
+And here's the knave what's responsible.
+That's all I needed to hear.
+Homer, I can't believe I was thinking of letting you touch my elbow through a cloth!
+But baby, a man has needs.
+Our Captain's be-head-bumped!
+I guess we'll never make it to the new world.
+When we landed, I was gonna denounce my sister as a witch.
+I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft!
+Thirty-one plus forty-three.
+Seventy-four.
+Witch! Witch! Witch!
+People, this is madness! We can burn the witch later! Right now, I've got to save this ship!
+Hey, I've been driving drunk since I was twelve! But first...who's gonna help me pee?
+They're looking at me 'cause I have the key to the stocks.
+Don't worry, Marge. I'll see to it you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all America by the twenty-first century!
+An albatross! It can lead us to safety.
+Man, that bird did it all. Good guy.
+I just thought of a name for where we're going: New England!
+Oh, that's real creative. Whaddaya call your foot? "New Hand?"
+At least I'm pitching!
+Land ho!
+What'd you call me?
+No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter.
+Great Chief Wig-gum, we could never have survived our first year in the New World without you. I almost regret what we Europeans are gonna do to ya.
+Wha-what are you gonna do?
+Give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie!
+Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. Who wants whipped topping?
+Here's your bill. And will there be anything else?
+We haven't gotten our food yet!
+I'll look into it.
+Who else has a story?
+Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.
+I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.
+Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called "The Bounty..."
+Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on...
+Captain Bligh! There's a message from Admiral Nelson!
+Thank you, Mr. Christian.
+"Bligh" "eats"..."dolphin boogers".
+Haw-haw!
+Well, when you eat as much dolphin as I do, there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.
+Good morning, crew. Welcome to day seven eighteen of our voyage. Today's announcements:
+First of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water.
+And because of a drawing of myself having romantic congress with a mer-man...
+I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea.
+And I can assure you, there were cookies in there. Good cookies. The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make.
+My father's alive?
+I'm getting pretty tired of that seawad!
+This is nothing like the recruiting brochure!
+Maybe that's what happens on the last day.
+I warn ye, Captain, push this crew too far and there'll be mutiny.
+Mutiny? On The Bounty? What have you been smoking?
+Besides that.
+Welcome to our tropical paradise. Enjoy our luaus, our lagoons and our ladies... and remember, what happens in Tahiti, stays in Tahiti.
+Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world! Tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steamboat yet?
+Any day now!
+I'm telling you, I don't look like that! Make another!
+Yes, Lord Ugly-Face.
+Don't just sit there, help me!
+Ba-bye. Bye, bye. Thanks for staying with us... we appreciate your putting cloth over our women's boobies... you'll receive an updated bill after you leave... Bye, bye.
+I wish we were back in Tahiti.
+Why yes, it was truly an unforgettable vacation. I order you to forget it!
+And while you're working, I want to hear a sea chantey.... in a round!
+ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT / GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM...
+Rounder! I hear edges!
+GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM / ROW / GENTLY / ROW ROW / MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY / BOAT / DREAM / YOUR
+You're off-key! Make that song your own! You don't sound like you've ever been on a boat in your life!
+What the?
+Captain, this is a mutiny.
+Well, let's not be hasty. What if I introduce a suggestion box?
+We have a suggestion box. You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.
+Just start rowing, Willie. And sing a round while you do.
+ROW, ROW / ROW YOUR BOAT / GENTLY / ROW ROW / MERRILY, MERRILY / BOUND THE DOWN THE / GENTLY DOWN THE, MERRILY DOWN THE-- I cannot do it. I'm only one man!
+You'll sing or you'll mutiny. And you're too much of a spineless coward for that.
+Swim faster or I'll have you made into soup. What're you gonna do? Go underwater? I'd like to see that.
+You call this deep?
+This is your new captain saying "Next stop, Tahiti"!
+And we're gonna remove all evidence of the previous regime, starting with this stupid wheel.
+Well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are: the most beautiful women in the world.
+Those are penguins.
+Well, look at it this way. We're gonna discover the North Pole.
+South Pole.
+Oh boy, do I suck.
+I'm starting to think the Sea Captain isn't coming back.
+He's out there playin' basketball!
+In your face, Julio.
+I'll be fetchin' yer food right away. Six more games.
+Well, I guess we have time for my tale of moist adventure. It takes place in a dark time for mankind when madness and ignorance ruled: "the nineteen seventies."
+Disco Stu has some troubling news.
+The ship's doctor has reported an outbreak of -- disco fever! The only cure is to do a little dance... make a little love... get down tonight!
+Wait a minute -- what was the second one?
+And now let's welcome the Leroy Neiman of seamen, your Captain, Montgomery Burns!
+I'm Chevy Chase and you're not!
+Willie Stargell!
+Yes, welcome to the maiden voyage of the Neptune, the world's most unflippable luxury liner!
+Help yourselves to some pineapple upside-down cake and apple turnovers. And you'll all be getting free hats...so make sure to give us your cap size!
+What a fascinating cross-section of humanity! You've got the lonely but loveable loser...
+Hello, Angels. Your mission today involves going undercover at a wet t-shirt contest. Let's get you wet.
+Maybe not so loveable...
+...and you've got the elderly Jewish couple making their first trip to Israel.
+Our son Shlomo is working on a kibbutz in Haifa -- we're schlepping him some kreplach.
+We're Jewish all right!
+What's our back story? What's our back story?
+We're the band. And we're on!
+I THINK WE'RE HEADING FOR DISASTER / AND MOST OF YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED...
+UNLESS THE CAPTAIN IS ATTENTIVE / WE'LL ALL BE CRUSHED BY A HUGE WAVE...
+I love the sea, Smithers. No earthquakes, towering infernos, China syndromes, apple dumpling gangs...
+My wig! I mean, my natural hair!
+Mama Mia, what a time to be carrying the soup.
+Cool! No gravity!
+Oh, there it is.
+Hey, you schmuck -- get off-a me!
+Goin' out with a sight gag. Nice.
+I've got an idea: climb into my mouth.
+Nooooo!
+Catch me, Flanders!
+Lord, with you watching over me I shall feel no pain.
+Woo hoo! It's almost New Year's! Ten... nine... eight...
+Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead!
+...three... two... one... Happy New Year! My resolution is to be more fun!
+Attention, everyone! I've spent the entire cruise reading these maintenance brochures because as a lonely single woman, I've had nothing better to do.
+Aws are cheap, I'm lookin' for some action.
+I thought so. It says here we should head upwards towards the hull before the ocean starts filling the ship.
+Don't listen to her! She'll get us all killed! The safest thing to do is to resume our normal activities. Now where is the rumba instructor?
+Okay, so that's left, left right. C'mon, people.
+So, now which way do we go now in this fakakta flippity ship?
+Homer, what should we do?
+Uh, gimme a second, I'm in the bathroom.
+What? I have great ass suction. Now how 'bout a little privacy?
+My keys!
+Whatever you do, don't look down! I mean up! I can't do this anymore, it's too confusing!
+Not that confusing.
+This hatchway is jammed!
+Move aside! I'll use my Swiss Army Bone!
+Okay, the engine room is just through this flooded area. Somebody has to take the rope, swim through to the other side, and tie it off so we can use it as an underwater guide line.
+Stand aside. I shall perform the necessary heroics. Thank you!
+Yes. All I need is some inspirational music...
+AND WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY / I CRIED AND CRIED ALL DAY / ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY / ALONE AGAIN...
+All right, I can see this is all up to me.
+Swim, fatty, swim!
+Oh, Homie, you did it!
+I've tied it off. You're all going to make it. Tell the world... that I saved you all.
+Don't tell me what to do.
+I hear knocking! We're saved!
+I don't know which pains me more, the flame or the irony! Can you believe it's the irony?
+Oh my God, our boat is upside down!
+Do you guys know the way to Tahiti?
+Way to go, genius. You sailed into someone else's tale of the sea.
+At least I'm not gay for skeleton Kearney.
+Our ribs got tangled seventy-five years ago. That's not gay!
+Right, you keep believin' that.
+Dad, taking the family to opening night is the nicest thing you've ever done for us.
+Or will ever do.
+I can't wait to see this re-imagining of Itchy and Scratchy... by avant-garde director Juliana Krellner!
+Hey, it says here "the book" was written by Tom Stoppard. This isn't a book, it's a play! Book.
+All hail the king of the cats!
+They're coming down the aisles! What if they want to interact with me!?
+Looking through my purse, looking through my purse... keep walking, monkey!
+Don't worry, Mom. They all passed by.
+FROM THE DAY YOU ARE BORN IN THE ALLEY/ TO THE DAY YOU ARE HIT BY A CAR
+THERE'S CREAM TO DRINK AND MICE TO EAT
+AND GREAT BIG BALLS OF YA-A-A-A-RN
+IT'S THE CIRCLE, THE CIRCLE OF --
+I love the use of streamers as blood. It robs the violence of its power.
+Woo hoo! I'm drenched in blood!
+I DON'T KNOW WHY I TRUST HIM / I GUESS SOME CATS JUST NEVER LEARN
+I FEEL SO GOOD WHEN I HAVE CRUSHED HIM / OR LEFT HIM MANGLED, MAIMED, AND BURNED
+I SUPPOSE IT'S SYMBIOTIC / AND PERHAPS A BIT EROTIC
+'CAUSE PAIN IS MY NARCOTIC
+You really like it?
+Yes, a lot-ic!
+AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALWAYS...
+FIGHTING!
+AND BITING!
+AND DYNAMITE IGNITING!
+Hey, check it out, I'm Scratcher or something.
+IT'S THE CIRCLE, CIRCLE OF KNIFE!
+IT'S THE CIRCLE, CIRCLE OF KNIVES!
+Bravo! / Genius! / Brilliant!
+Necessary!
+I insist on seeing the director!
+Thank you, thank you. It's such a thrill for me to be back in my hometown... Springfield!
+She also graduated from Springfield Elementary!
+Principal Skinner!
+You know, Juliana, it's no surprise you became such a success. You always got straight "A's" in school.
+Well, I remember getting a "B" or two in math.
+Well, of course you did. You are a girl.
+No, all I meant was, from what I've seen, boys are better at math, science... the real subjects. There, that should put the matter behind us.
+Calm down, calm down. I'm sure Principal Skinner didn't mean girls are inherently inferior.
+No, of course not! I don't know why girls are worse.
+Uh, one thing we can all agree on though -- this little lady sure looks pretty tonight. Am I right?
+TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT / STOP THE MAN FROM TEACHING HATE! / EIGHT, SIX, FOUR, TWO / WE DO MATH AS GOOD AS YOU! ONE, TWO...
+Skinner! You've got to deal with these kooks!
+Don't worry, I have a plan: pretend I agree with them.
+Well you better hurry. Look what they've done to your car.
+No, that's how it always looks.
+Huh, how sad.
+Today we celebrate the first of many, many, many, many diversity forums.
+Why is it that women "appear" to be worse at math then men? What is the source of this "illusion?" Or, as I call it, "the biggest lie ever told."
+You're a worse version of Hitler!
+Please believe me, I understand the problems of women... see?
+Haw haw! The principal's a tranny!
+Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes. They're all the same.
+Are you saying that men and women are identical?
+Oh, no... of course not! Women are unique in every way!
+Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!
+No, no, no. It's the differences -- of which there are none -- that make the sameness... exceptional. Just tell me what to say!
+Oh dear. Attention, students. Due to nervous exhaustion and diarrhea of the mouth...
+Yes, yes, yes, I said diarrhea! Principal Skinner is going to be replaced by women's educational expert Melanie Upfoot. Children, meet your new principal.
+For too long, there's been an anti-woman bias in math. Boys are aggressive, obnoxious, and never let us be heard. From now on, I am splitting the school in two -- separating the boys and the girls forever!
+You heard your principal. Girls on the left, boys on the right.
+This rocks! No more stupid girl classes -- like ballroom dancing!
+Oh no, that's still mandatory for everybody. Willie?
+Now this is why I got into education.
+They're gonna divide the school in two?
+Yeah, one for boys and one for girls.
+It is gonna be awesome! Now I can walk down the hall with "Bart Junior" hangin' out. Isn't that right, Bart Junior?
+All this hoo-haw about girls and math is silly. Women are as smart as men.
+Why, a woman invented liquid paper.
+Well, you know what a man invented? Actual paper.
+Well, a woman also invented the windshield wiper.
+Which goes great with another male invention -- the car.
+Um... I-I think a woman came up with nylon stockings. I mean, probably. We certainly use them.
+Let's see, men also have: rocket ships, suspension bridges, constitutional government, snow shoes, brass knuckles...
+Pinball machines, the Renaissance...
+Oh, why did women invent sleeping on the couch?
+Girls' entrance. Have an empowering day, my pony-loving leaders of tomorrow.
+All right, I'm going to open this cage, but no biting.
+You're not the boss of my teeth!
+It's so beautiful. Ooh, paintings by female artists! Frida Kahlo, Georgia O'Keefe...
+Cathy Guisewite!
+Now that the boys -- and their atmosphere of intimidation -- are gone, we can finally breathe. Breathe, ladies.
+Now, let's buckle down and do some math!
+How do numbers make you feel? What does a plus sign smell like? Is the number seven odd, or just different?
+Are we gonna do any actual math problems?
+"Problems." That's how men see math, something to be attacked, to be "figured out."
+But... isn't it? I mean, confidence building can't replace real learning!
+Uh oh, Lisa. Sounds like you're trying to derail our "self-esteem engine." Let's sing it back on the tracks!
+THE BEST THING I CAN EVER BE / IS TO BE OKAY WITH ME! / ME!
+Okay, boys' school -- I need a challenge!
+A mental challenge.
+Now boys, who can tell me the volume of this snowman? Anyone?
+Just add the volume of the spheres. We know the radii.
+He forgot the volume of the carrot nose -- one-third base times height! Oh math, I have missed you!
+No girls allowed!
+Principal Skinner?
+It's Groundskeeper Skinner now.
+Assistant Groundskeeper, ya puke!
+Assistant Groundskeeper Skinner, don't you think it's wrong that I can't get the best math education because I'm a girl?
+I don't have any opinions anymore. All I know is that no one is better than anyone else and everyone is the best at everything.
+Not you, you're the worst! Now get poisonin' those squirrels!
+Please, be reasonable. I'm sure we can...
+Mom, the girls' school is a joke and I'm not allowed to take the boys' math.
+When I was in school, I loved math. Until...
+That's right. I'm Toilet.
+Since then I haven't been able to do any of the calculus I've encountered in my daily life. But that's not going to happen to you.
+Well, what can I do? They won't let me in the boys' school.
+Yes, unless...
+There. You're the perfect little he-she.
+Mom, I don't think this will fool anybody.
+Hey, who's the rude dude with the attitude?
+He's one of Bart's friends.
+You seem cool. Wanna catch a movie?
+You never take our kids to the movies.
+Let's not fight in front of my cool new friend.
+What're you playing?
+Punch for a punch.
+So what's your name, newbie?
+I'm... Jake.
+That's your Christian name. What's your surname?
+Uh... Boy... man... Boyman. Jake Boyman.
+You have toilet paper on your shoe.
+Yeah, I guess I do.
+I'm gonna call you "Toilet."
+My name isn't Toilet -- it's Jake!
+Hey, a talking toilet!
+Toilet! Toilet!
+Class, settle down. We have a new student today.
+His name is Jake Boyman. He likes the Hardy Boys, Boy Scouts, boy bands, Chef Boyardee, and he is a boy.
+What are you drawing?
+A robot with guns for arms, shooting a plane made of out guns that fires guns.
+Everyone, take out your math books. Come on.
+Now, how many different numbers can "Y" be?
+Toilet.
+Oh, I'd love to, but I've got my calculus final tomorrow.
+That's easy -- just one, the number five.
+There are two possible solutions -- five and negative five.
+Psst! I drew a picture of you, being shot by a gun.
+Hey, Toilet! Just kidding, bro. They used to razz me when I was new here. It'll pass.
+Hey, Mildew. Do you like tongue twisters?
+Boy, do I!
+I'm sorry. Do you want a jawbreaker?
+Boy, do I!
+So... do you miss having the girls around?
+Nah. Girls never really "got" me.
+Did you know Lisa Simpson? I heard she was pretty cool.
+Lisa? Oh yeah, we totally had a thing, but I had to break it off.
+What the hell are you talking about?!
+She got too clingy. Milhouse doesn't do clingy.
+I have to go.
+That was my eating food!
+Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
+Nelson, you're not really angry at me. You're full of rage 'cause your father abandoned you.
+And because you're poor, so you don't feel like you're good enough.
+You just want somebody to say "I love you". I love you.
+I love you too, Nelson.
+I love you, Jimbo.
+Hey, every joke has a kernel of truth!
+Hey Lis, you missed it. While you were at girls' school, Nelson totally whaled on this dork.
+Oh my God...
+So, did you tell Mom you got beat up?
+Not yet. If I do, she'll never let me go to the boys' math class again.
+Hey, no one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy.
+You'd do that for me? That is so sweet.
+You're a boy -- nothing is sweet.
+Ow, that hurt.
+Now, when you eat like a boy, only two French fries in five should make it into your mouth.
+"If they fall on the floor, you want 'em more." Because then they come with extra toppings.
+I'm gonna be sick.
+Awesome! Do it in that guy's bag while he's not looking.
+I am looking, and don't start a puke war that you cannot finish. Goodnight.
+So... do you wanna "wang chung" tonight?
+I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?
+Well, uh... uh... Honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
+Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog.
+At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you.
+How did this happen?
+Now I've been every ball on the playground!
+Now, for your final test. To fully become a man, you must pick a fight with someone weaker than you.
+Do it, Lisa! You'll be greater than or equal to boys!
+Even though you're only eight, your possibilities are infinite.
+Twenty-seven!
+What have I become?
+These dots are itchy!
+Fine, I'll beat up Ralph.
+Uh, give me your lunch money.
+Uh... uh...
+I guess I'm gonna have to get this party started.
+Fight! Fight! Fight!
+Forgive me for this.
+You just beat up the most harmless kid in school.
+Well done!
+Hey Toilet, wanna play guns?
+Peew! Peew!
+And the award for outstanding achievement in the field of mathematics, goes to... Jake Boyman!
+Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Toilet! Toilet!
+Thank you. Or should I say thank you!
+Toilet is Lisa?!
+We've been Yentl'd!
+That's right, everyone. The best math student in the whole school is a girl!
+Wait a minute -- do you know why you did good at math?
+Did well.
+Give it a rest, Melanie.
+Calling me by my first name is harassment.
+Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.
+Oh, Superintendent.
+The only reason Lisa won is because she learned to think like a boy! I turned her into a burping, farting, bullying, math machine!
+That's a lie!
+Ow! I got hit by boy Lisa and girl Lisa.
+Goodbye, Mr. Simpson.
+I always thought that boys had it easier. But now I see their world is more cruel and sadistic than I ever imagined.
+Chair fight!
+And I did get better at math, but it was only by abandoning everything I believed in. I guess the real reason we don't see many women in math and science is...
+Would you hurry it up, please. You're cutting into the award for Best Flautist!
+Well, whatever the answer is, I'm glad I'm a girl and I'm glad I'm good at math. Now enjoy your stupid flautist.
+AND THE SANDCASTLE VIRTUES / ARE ALL SWEPT AWAY / IN THE TIDAL DESTRUCTION / THE MORAL MELEE
+Are you sure we can make money doing this? What if nobody wants their address painted on the curb?
+Duh! Nobody wants their address painted on the curb. We do it without asking, and then they have to pay.
+What are you punks doin'?
+Answer me or I'll drop ya like a bad cell phone plan!
+Sorry, this thing goes off on its own. Anyway, you were sayin'?
+Ignore that.
+We painted your address on the curb. And since you didn't tell us not to, you owe us ten bucks.
+Wow, a number on the curb? That really classes the joint up.
+Yep, things are finally goin' my way.
+I struck oil! I struck oil!
+I struck oil!
+Uh, when do we tell him that's not oil?
+Let him have his fun.
+Oil! Oil!
+Only ten dollars to paint my curb like a common whore? Well I'm happy to pay for a three-digit spray! Tell you what, I'll give you another hundred if you paint my garage!
+Wait a minute -- that's not a scam.
+That's honest work for honest pay!
+I'll throw in some Christian comic books!
+Please! Somebody take 'em!
+Screw you! I'm never gonna pay!
+Well, then we're gonna leave you one digit short.
+Fine! I'll finish it myself. And don't think I'm gonna screw it up, because I won't!
+Dad, all you had to do was paint one number. Now no one's gonna be able to find our house.
+But sweetie, I just wanted to tell the '74 Oakland A's how I felt about them.
+Look, that guy remembers us!
+Hey Sal Bando, give him a '74 A's "thank you honk."
+My work here is done.
+I'm needed at the door!
+I have a delivery for a Scott and Brenda Weingarten, Seventy-four Evergreen Terrace.
+Seventy-four? Oh sorry, there's been a mistake.
+Oh, no problem -- I'll just ship these juicy mail-order steaks back to Omaha.
+On second thought, I am Brenda Wine cooler.
+Dad, isn't it wrong to open or eat other people's mail?
+Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad things: bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly. Now, for once, I'm getting' rich-person mail. You wouldn't take that away from me, would you, son?
+Oh Dad, no one can rationalize like you.
+Okay Weingartens, what else is in your mail?
+Ooh! Marge, you wanna go to a wedding of a couple we never met?
+Strangers getting married?! I wouldn't miss it for the world!
+Mark and Tracy, I remember the first words I heard you say: "I do."
+Your cousin Scott is so sweet. But didn't you say he was blind?
+That's what I heard, but he's so confident in his movements.
+This is Kent Brockman, in the Springfield Keys, reporting to you from the middle of a hurricane!
+The lid from my coffee cup is long gone.
+I'm scared, people. Truly scared.
+Take that, liberal media.
+Homer, this says I've won Homemaker magazine's "Clean for a Day" contest!
+"A highly skilled professional will come to your home, and clean it top to bottom while you relax." But how could I have won? I don't subscribe to this periodical.
+Marge, I don't have to sit here and listen to your insane ravings about me getting other people's mail.
+Hi, I'm Brenda Weingarten.
+Mom, what are you doing?
+Cleaning up before the housekeeper comes.
+This is a total stranger who cleans houses for a living. Who cares what she thinks?
+Don't be so naïve, Lisa. Those people all talk to each other!
+You know what I found in their dirty clothes hamper? Dirty clothes!
+I found a hair in the drain. Not a fine upstanding head hair, but a curly-wurly!
+Untidy! Untidy! Untidy!
+Untidy! Untidy! Untidy!
+Now this is a house that's ready to be cleaned!
+That's her! Don't answer it yet! I don't want that judgmental bitch in my house!
+Maple syrup, mixed with baby spit-up and shoe scuff! This is going to take my whole arsenal at once!
+Et tu, Zud?
+She's opening her eyes!
+My head feels like it was punched by a boxing man.
+How many fingers am I holding up?
+Very good. Now I'll put them back in the jar.
+Now I have a question... who are you people?
+She doesn't recognize us!
+You monster! What have you done to my face?!
+When will Marge remember us?
+It's hard to say. With retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient can forget years and years of her life. You just have to keep jogging her memory till it works.
+Jogging?!
+I didn't say you should be jogging.
+Although you should be jogging.
+Jogging?
+Marge, I'm gonna take care of you until your amnesia goes scram-nesia. I got you flowers a fluffy pillow...and a nice, relaxing private room.
+Oh, you're sweet. I'm lucky to have such a kind... Uncle?
+I'm your husband!
+Wha--?!
+I am! We're the same age!
+But you're so much more... ravaged than I am.
+I do eat a lot of crap.
+I'm Lisa, I'm eight years old, and this might sound presumptuous, but -- I'm your favorite.
+Oh, you seem sweet, but I could never have a favorite.
+Well, talk to me in a week.
+Hi, I'm Bart. I'm ten years old and a professional moto-cross jumper. Can you buy me a moto-cross bike?
+I may have lost my memory, but I'm not an idiot.
+Great news, Marge -- we're goin' home.
+Yes, the insurance company said you're as well as they're gonna pay for!
+Ooh, I can't wait to see what kind of home we live in.
+Oh it's great. Like somebody barfed a two-story pile of puke.
+Why you little...
+You strangle your child?
+Yeah, but he's cool with it. Right?
+It hurts when I swallow.
+Why you little...
+Now the doctor said a tour of the town could help bring back your memory.
+I say bing cherries are the most delicious!
+I say maraschino!
+Who are those freaks?
+Those "freaks," as you call them, are some of our closest friends.
+Maraschino isn't even a kind of cherry! It's a way of preserving them!
+Sounds like Duffman took the wrong side in this chicken fight! Oh yeah.
+Why is that drug addict driving a school bus?
+Whoa, I may be wasted, but I still care about the safety of these kids.
+See that ball of fire? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's Lantern, Day-moon, Old Blazey. The important thing is never to touch it.
+I know what the sun is.
+Yes, now you do.
+I know that sound!
+Maggie! My sweet little angel!
+The sound of the baby must have triggered a primal mnemonic response in Mom's brain.
+Lisa! My little know-it-all!
+Hey, guys. Guess who just became lactose-tolerant?
+Milhouse! You're Bart's best friend!
+I remember Bart!
+I can't believe you remembered me through Milhouse. He's not even my best friend.
+Who's got amnesia now, Bart?
+It's so great to have my children back.
+I'd better get ready -- I'm next!
+All right, Marge... time to remember Admiral Awesome!
+Nope. I'm sorry, Admiral, but you're still a stranger to me.
+Why do you remember them and not me?
+I don't know. Maybe there's something unpleasant blocking my memory of you.
+Hi-dilly ho, Simpsons!
+Oh, hey Ned! Isn't today your cat's birthday? I remember 'cause she shares the date with Patty LaBelle!
+Okay. All it'll take to unlock your memories of me is one of these blasts from the past.
+Here's me fighting with former President Bush, me fighting with current President Bush, and here's me showing a bag of apples who's boss.
+I'm sorry. You seem like... a colorful character, but I just don't remember you.
+Well, maybe if we snuggle, it might rattle some memories loose.
+What's snuggling?
+When a man and a woman love each other very much, they--
+Mr. Simpson, I don't even know you -- I'm not making love with you!
+But what if we...
+You're describing how to parallel park.
+You used to love my non sequiturs!
+Why can I remember everyone in town except my husband?
+Simple. Your brain is trying to save you from your backed-up toilet of a marriage.
+Have you been talking like this for my entire marriage?
+Oh no, no. We've always honored your choice.
+I don't know. I should give Homer a chance... but on the other hand, I feel nothing for him.
+This is horrible.
+We've got to tell Dad!
+Oh no, Bart and Lisa are gonna tell me something horrible!
+Buy the Police Department a hang-glider, you said. Fight crime from above, you said.
+Yeah, and you said you were only a hundred and eighty pounds.
+Shut up and look for crime.
+Mr. Simpson?
+Marge, if I can't make you remember me, then I'll make you fall for me all over again.
+The heart is the symbol for love.
+THAT HOMER SIMPSON / HE'S QUITE A GUY / HE PAID ME TEN BUCKS / SO I WOULD LIE / THE TRUTH IS / HE'S NOT SO GREAT / HE IS THE ONE MAN / I TRU-LY HATE...
+So beautiful. I wish I could understand Italian.
+I've had a lovely evening, Mr. Simpson.
+Just wait. We're coming to the site of our most romantic night ever!
+It was in that plywood castle that we first... well, you know...
+Know what?
+No! I'm not the kind of girl who makes love on a putt-putt golf course!
+Oh you loved it -- especially when the windmill came around and whacked your but.
+That sounds horrible!
+No, it was the happiest night of my life! The warm Spring air, the swings I took in the batting cage afterwards... Don't you remember, darling?
+No! And I hope I never do! The best thing that ever happened to me was forgetting about you!
+You know, I still think about you all the time.
+Birthday's over, Seymour.
+I'm sorry you have to leave. But I just can't think of another way.
+I know. Wait, I thought of another way: I stay!
+Dad, we don't want you to leave!
+My grades will suffer! In fact, they're already suffering.
+Look at this garden of F's. You planted them all!
+Marge, I realize you've made up your mind, and I want you to know that I deeply respect your boo!
+That works for hiccups, not amnesia.
+I know. I just thought maybe... boo!
+How long you gonna be bunking with me, son?
+Well, the rest of your life for sure.
+Why are we having dinner in Shelbyville?
+We found a place here that's serving up just what you need.
+A mixer? I don't know -- I am still technically married...
+All we're saying is go in and chat with these guys. And if you want a quickie annulment and remarriage, we've got all the paperwork right here.
+Why don't you sign a bunch now?
+For fun.
+Welcome to speed dating, you exciting, lonely people! Every five minutes I'm going to blow this horn...and each man will move one table to his left.
+Excuse me. Is this how you met your husband?
+No, I met him through friends like a normal person. Now, speed date!
+I, uh, I-I want you to know, I'm coming from a very fragile place -- I-my wife left me five years ago.
+Oh, that's so sad.
+Why did I kill her? Why?
+Hello there.
+Wow, that's what I would've said. Well, I would've said "polite and clean," but wow, still...
+You've been drinking today, haven't you?
+Yeah, hi. Hiya doin'? So, uh let's get right to it: I don't drive a Lexus, okay? I don't have a Lear jet or some big beach house in La La Land. I am just a nice man who makes a decent living, so I guess I should probably just go shoot myself. Huh? Mmm?
+Oh, don't get quiet on me, please. I hate when they get quiet.
+Ta-da! I know what you're thinking, but don't worry, I'm old enough to date. Dermabrasion!
+I think he's a male gay.
+I have to admit something -- I feel a little silly.
+Me too. I can't believe anyone ever really finds anyone at these things.
+Yeah, I was dragged here by my older brothers.
+We used to be quintuplets, but three of us drowned.
+I really know where you're coming from.
+I guess we have to move on.
+Do we? We're adults, why don't we just go get a cup of coffee?
+I'd love to.
+Ooo la la. I smell romance.
+It's a perfect night for love.
+Would you lovely ladies care to join us for some champagne?
+Go suck a rat, Assanova.
+That might be Marge!
+Don't answer it yet -- savor the sound.
+Homer, I don't want to alarm you, but right now we're lookin' at your wife yukkin' it up with a good-lookin' guy.
+He just touched her arm, and now they're being quiet.
+Yeah, but it's not an awkward silence.
+Yeah, it's more like a "nothing needs to be said" kind of silence.
+I just think the best thing a person can do for the world is to be clean and polite.
+I sure have, pardner.
+Oh no! He's Marge's, and my, dream man! I've gotta make a play for her now or I might lose her forever!
+At least she's found someone who can make her happy.
+Oh Marge, I feel like the two of us can say anything to each other.
+You really mean that?
+I've got amnesia and I have three kids.
+Wow, my first thought is "respect" -- both for your mental illness and your ability to get back into shape. My second thought is goodbye!
+You idiot!
+Do you know what you just gave up?!
+Who the hell are you?
+The wisest, wettest man you'll ever meet.
+You just walked away from the sweetest, most beautiful woman a guy could want. In ten years she never had the last slice of pizza and she's never complained. Every election, she wishes she could vote for both guys, because they both seem nice. And there's a light inside her that makes everyone else look better. And you blew her off.
+Dude, she's got three kids.
+Really? Well she's still great!
+Mr. Simpson?
+I may not know much about you, but you sure know a lot of wonderful things about me. And that means a lot to a woman.
+I still don't remember you, but for the first time since this happened, I wish I did... Homer.
+I'm so happy we're together again. Wanna get a drink?
+You drink?
+Uh, yeah. I started when you were in the hospital. I was so worried. Recently I tried this thing called "beer." And...
+I remember everything -- you get drunk all the time!
+But do you also remember that you're an enabler?
+Oh of course I do! That's why we're such a great team!
+Oh, I don't...
+And her?
+Oh, and her.
+And her.
+Uh-huh. And him.
+What about him?
+I don't recognize that name.
+Yeah, I have their baseball cards.
+Oh, I know all them!
+Look at all those people. You know them?
+Wow, she still works here?
+Yeah, she's over in post now.
+Oh, I always liked that guy!
+Not me -- but we can't get rid of him, 'cause he's friends with Richard Sakai.
+Oh, and there's a familiar name. And another one. Wait, what-what ever happened to that guy from the network? Did he get married?
+Oh, he ain't gettin' married. He has commitment issues!
+Welcome to Matinee of Blood...
+Commercials. I am your host, Booberella. I hope you enjoy our Labor Day Marathon of Murder. Because soon you have to go back to school. Schooool!
+School? Oh my God, I've wasted the whole summer. There's so many things I still wanna do.
+You think you're behind.
+If it weren't for my trick knee, I'd do them both right now.
+I've got to squeeze a whole summer of carefree fun into one day.
+Win Baseball Game.
+You're up, Simpson. Be careful, that kid on the pitcher's mound is really twenty-two.
+Son, you have time for the pizza party?
+Sure, why not?
+Appear in Summer Stock Play...
+...THAT'S GREEEEEASE!
+Sit on it, Springfield! Yeah!
+Summer blockbuster...
+Get outta my face you raggedy maggots.
+Oh... so that's why everyone's been sayin' that all summer.
+No, not yet! I have to have a summer romance!
+I'll never forget you.
+Gotta go.
+I just had my first kiss.
+When you get to third base, I'll buy ya a beer.
+Well, now it's time for my summer activity. You promised we could go to a museum.
+I'm so glad you picked the Museum of Natural History, Mom.
+Well, I'm so glad there's a show we women can enjoy!
+Weaving?!
+Homer, you're my father, you're supposed to protect me from things like this!
+All right. Just this once you can take a drink out of my special water bottle.
+Sorry, loom-wads, new exhibit's in town.
+Woo-hoo! Weapons!
+Bart, it's still history.
+Not if I spend the whole time running around like this.
+Die, weapons, die!
+Don't start the exhibit without me!
+Look at that line.
+Time to do what I do best -- ruin it for everybody.
+Hey, Flanders! Thanks for saving our place.
+Wait, wait, ho-hold the phone there Homer...
+Aw dude, I was totally here. You calling me a liar? In front of my kids? 'Cause I'd take a bullet for you, man. Right in my mouth!
+Oh, fine. Take the cut.
+Ned Flanders is doling out "cuts?" I, for one, wish to partake of same!
+If Boner here is gettin' cuts, I want 'em too.
+Cuts. / Me too! / I wants cuts. / Outta my way! /
+Disco Stu slides in front of you! Hey, that rhymed.
+Tell you what -- if we turn around, it'll feel like we're at the front of the line!
+Oh, no you don't!
+I'm everywhere.
+IMAX 3-D Films presents: "Nunchucks: Cool but Useless."
+The nunchuck was invented thousands of years ago by a Chinese monk. Artifacts of the time indicate that this incident was hilarious.
+Wow, this 3-D is amazing! You can actually feel the vase!
+Go ahead, Maggie. You're allowed to touch the deadly weapons.
+Ooh, it's a mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses!
+Okay, be cool. I've got some candy in my purse...
+C'mon, Milhouse. Do you wanna play in the NBA or not?
+Bart, my arm's out of its thing.
+That means it's working.
+Whassup?
+You're leavin' already? We, we haven't even gotten in yet.
+Sorry, Flanders. But when you get in, you can use my audio tour. Narrated by Melanie Griffith.
+This room's nice. Let's go into the next one. This room's nice too.
+This room's nice. This room's nice too. This room's nice too. This room's nice. This room's nice. This room's nice too.
+Sorry folks, the weapons exhibit is now closed for the day.
+Sorry, no yay. But you can all feel free to enjoy the rest of the museum.
+Excuse me. How can you put up an exhibit on the origin of man and not have one mention of the Bible?
+Oh, we do.
+My most cherished beliefs -- a myth?
+Daddy, was Mommy a monkey? I can't remember!
+No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!
+But you said a stork brought me.
+Um, that was God disguised as a stork.
+Who brings baby storks?
+There's no such thing as storks! It's all God!
+Please bless Daddy, and Mommy...
+Stop praying to that stork!
+They're telling people we're descended from a pack of apes. Even though there's nothing about it in the Bible!
+Ned, you've gotta take this thing with a grain of salt. I mean, c'mon.
+Tim, this controversy could put more meat in the seats.
+Well... our membership has been dwindling since those Episcopalians put in those vibrating pews.
+Evolution is the hot button issue we need to mobilize our flock -- they'll be hanging on your every word!
+I'll be a white Al Sharpton!
+Why does every church meeting end this way?
+We want you to teach alternative theories to Darwinian evolution.
+You mean... Lamarckian evolution?
+No -- the Adam and Eve one!
+And what if I say no?
+I believe you leased your Camry from Christian Brothers Auto...
+No! That was a once-in-a-lifetime A.P.R.!
+I'm Nelson!
+Class, starting today we will be presenting an alternative theory on the origin of man.
+Creationism? But that's not science.
+It is now.
+Are oceans God's tears?
+They sure are. "A" plus!
+Now Lisa's the Ralph!
+How can you teach the book of Genesis as a scientific theory?
+Hm, this helpful video will evade all your questions. Eyes screenward!
+"So You're Calling God A Liar!" "An Unbiased Comparison Of Evolution and Creationism."
+Let's say hi to two books: one, the Bible, was written by our Lord...the other, "The Origin of the Species"...was written by a cowardly drunk named Charles Darwin.
+This is slander! Darwin was one of the greatest minds of all time!
+Then why is he making out with Satan?
+Evolution is widely acknowledged as scientific fact. It's even accepted by prominent conservatives, like George Will and the late Pope John Paul!
+The George Will?
+Lisa, you've said quite enough. Children, drown her out with whistling and arm flatulence.
+All I'm saying is--
+What's wrong, sweetie?
+They're making us learn creation theory in school. Today we had a test, and every answer was "God did it."
+Well, I think it's good to give both ideas a fair hearing. Maybe they could learn from each other.
+But they're incompatible!
+Lisa, lots of times two incompatible things can both be true. My son's a brat but he's a special little guy. Your father says he's at work, but there he is jumping on a trampoline.
+Mom, you really have to choose here, between science and belief.
+Well then I choose... uh...
+So, according to creationism, there were no cavemen.
+Good riddance. Their drawings suck and they look like hippies.
+Dad, you're not really reconsidering evolution, are you?
+My mind is always open to new ideas.
+Onions in the peas! What the hell?
+It is agreed: regular people can park in handicapped spaces if they're just running in to buy smokes or maybe some Pop Tarts for tomorrow.
+The system works.
+And if there's no further business, I hereby declare this meeting--
+I have an issue I'd like to raise!
+Curse my slow gaveling.
+Last week, the unscientific theory of creationism was introduced alongside evolution in Springfield public schools.
+Now honestly, the Bible's about the same age as the rest of our textbooks.
+Evolution and Creationism cannot co-exist, people. It is time to go back to teaching one single truth!
+Homer's son's sister is right!
+Class, the town has spoken. From now on we're only teaching one theory... creationism. Now please hand in your evolution books to Groundskeeper Willie while I beat this ominous drum.
+There seems to be a note on your locker.
+From a secret admirer perhaps.
+Don't make me laugh. Ah, ha-ha!
+"Dear Seekers of Truth: Meet in the school's single-purpose room tomorrow at lunch. Rationally yours, L.M.S."
+"L.M.S." Who could it be?
+Little Moe Szyslak?
+Why does everybody call me that? Buncha snot-faced pukebags...
+I'm so glad you could all come. I'll be reading to you from "The Origin of Species" by Charles Darwin.
+I thought we were gonna light spiders on fire!
+We're over here.
+You all have a nice day.
+Chapter One: When we compare the individuals of the same variety or sub-variety of our older cultivated plants and animals...
+Lisa Simpson, you're under arrest for the teaching of non-Biblical science!
+There are so many worse crimes. Why are you persecuting me?
+Uh, well we only have the manpower to enforce the last law passed. Y'know, it's not the best system... but, well in fact, it's uh, it's pretty much the worst.
+You live! You die! You live! You die!
+In the old days we woulda been all over that.
+Ha-haaa.
+This is Kent Brockman, reporting live from the trial of God versus Lisa Simpson. Defending Miss Simpson is ACLU appointed liberal, Clarisse Drummond.
+I'm from New York!
+And prosecuting the case against Lisa is humble country lawyer Wallace Brady.
+As the little chicken said to his mama "I just hope I don't 'cluck up.'"
+Awww...
+I think it's fair to say if that man doesn't win, I'm resigning from the jury.
+This is Kent Brockman, juror number seven, saying: "I'll have the roast beef for lunch."
+So does this theory of evolution necessarily mean that there is no God?
+No, of course not.
+It just says that God is an impotent nothing from nowhere with less power than the Undersecretary of Agriculture, who has very little power in our system.
+Now sir, you are a scientist, correct?
+That's right. I have a Ph. D in Truthology from Christian Tech.
+Move over, Carl -- I've got a new hero!
+This'll last about a day.
+So as a scientist, what is your take on this "devil-ution"?
+Pure hogwash. If man evolved from monkeys, there'd be evidence. But when we look at the fossil record, here's what we see.
+A missing link.
+Why, I believe right now this gentleman's havin' dinner with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.
+This is the break in the case we've been waiting for!
+I mean, he doesn't exist. Evolution is just a lot of that Hollywood hooey.
+Well I've heard enough for today. I have to a judge a wet t-shirt contest in twenty minutes.
+This trial is the biggest load of Oh, for cryin' out loud.
+Now, Bambi, who started that forest fire that killed your mama? Evolution? My, my, my.
+Poor Bambi... poor Thumper...
+I'm sorry, Mom. I should have just gone with the flow like you said.
+Well, I might as well see what all the fuss is about.
+Homer, please.
+I love it when you're not into it. Oh yeah, baby. Oh yeah that's it ignore me. I'm not even here.
+Wow, Darwin's argument is incredibly persuasive. And his ship was the Beagle, which reminds me of Snoopy... my favorite Peanut!
+Lisa, I think I have a way to help you at the trial today.
+So do I!
+Milhouse will serve the time for you while you flee to Mexico. Your new name: Señorita Ugly.
+Honey, I appreciate the thought, but just leave everything to me.
+You can take off the wig, Milhouse.
+Now, Mr. Flanders, you're familiar with the Bible, correct?
+As familiar as it's proper to be.
+Don't worry Lisa, I've got the answer to your problems right here.
+Look, Homie, I brought you a beer.
+Thanks, Marge. It's not a twist-off!
+C'mon...
+And you are positive that man and ape cannot be related?
+As sure as I am that Jesus hates Hip Hop!
+C'mon! Open! I want what's in you!
+As a matter... Homer...
+You, stupid...
+Homer, I'm tryin' to...
+Will you shut your yap, ya big monkey-faced gorilla!!!
+Mr. Flanders, you've sworn to tell the truth. Can you say that this man could not possibly be related to that ape?
+You win, Lisa.
+This court hereby rules that the law forbidding the teaching of evolution is repealed.
+Oh wait, it was a twist-off.
+Thanks, Mom.
+Thank you, honey, for opening my eyes.
+I can't wait to see what evolution will make next: maybe a bird with a people face, or a bear with pants on!
+Let's go, boys. Your poor old Popsicle's been licked.
+Mr. Flanders, wait!
+I want you to know, I respect your beliefs and I can see how deeply you feel about them.
+I just don't think religion should be taught in our schools, any more than you'd want scientists teaching at the church.
+Well, I wish this world would evolve a few more kids like you, Lisa.
+What say we take our worthy adversary out for a hot fudge fun-day?
+Cram it, ya God wad.
+Whaa -- ?
+We now return to... "Hunch."
+There's your murderer!
+Are you sure, Hunch? How do you know?
+Enh, something about his hair.
+How did we miss that?! Get him!
+You did it again, Hunch. Let's go grab a bite. You know what I'm in the mood for?
+Could it be... turkey?
+But how did you... Ahhh.
+It's amazing they've gotten five hundred and twelve shows out of this premise.
+Remember when we saw Hunch's butt in the shower?
+That was two seasons ago!
+Now you can only see butts on cable.
+This is Kent Brockman, with an Isotope Baseball Update! The 'Topes are in first place since the acquisition of home-run king Buck Mitchell.
+Thanks to him, Springfield is once again overrun with fair-weather fans.
+The Isotopes are winning? To the bandwagon!
+Nothing beats a day at the ballpark with my family.
+Tickets, tickets, who needs tickets?
+Homer, we need those tickets to get in!
+Don't worry, I'll use the money I make to buy tickets from a scalper. Then I'll sell those tickets, and we'll be rich! Rich! We did it, baby! We made it through the rain!
+Tickets, thirty dollars! Big game, everyone wants to see the game...
+Cop! Act like you're in love with me.
+You wanna know somethin', Bart?
+Nah, I know enough.
+I, myself, played in this ballpark, back in nineteen forty-deuce. That was during the war, when sushi was called "liberty logs," and no one had ever heard of it.
+But, Grampa, in nineteen forty-two, they only played women's baseball here.
+Let's just say one of the ladies had some "extra equipment."
+I was the center fielder for the Springfield Floozies!
+The pay wasn't much, but it kept me out of the war for a year.
+Effie Lou is a man!
+Get him! He could threaten my record for lady triples!
+That was a magical summer...
+How'd I get here?
+Now, to sing our national anthem, Payola recording artist, Tabitha Vixx!
+She's married to Buck Mitchell! I bet that's why she's here tonight honoring America!
+OH SAY CAN YOU SEE / BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT... and now here's something from my new album... I'M TROUBLE-ISTIC!
+STAY AWAY BOY, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M TROUBLE-ISTIC / THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME? YOU AIN'T BEIN' REALISTIC
+Hey, Buck! Howzit feel knowin' your wife's turning on a creep like me? Weird, I bet?
+TROUBLE-ISTIC GIRL MAKES YOUR TROUBULATIONS GROW / DOUBLE TROUBLE-ISTIC WHEN YOU TRY TO TELL ME NO / TROUBLE! TROUBLE! Oh yeah, TROUBLE! AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE!
+She just embarrassed me in front of the entire Tornado Belt League!
+So, next up for the Cosmos, Freddie Alvarado. Freddie, of course, the older brother of the famous Wolfboy of Juarez, Mexico, here's the pitch...
+And Buck Mitchell can't find the handle.
+That's an E-3 if you're keeping score at home, and if you are, your loneliness saddens me.
+S'okay, Buck! Bad hop, bad hop!
+Shake it off, Buck!
+You suck!
+I concur!
+Bart! Hand me that sack of batteries!
+Nine Volt! Double A! D!-D!-D!-D! Cordless drill!
+Job himself never had a tougher day at the ballpark than Buck Mitchell -- he's made six errors, struck out twice and swallowed a bee.
+My fiancée!
+Three Duffmen are workin' the game tonight.
+They're making a mockery out of Amerisnack.com troll-doll night.
+You know what to do, Duffman.
+Oh, yeah! Time for: the Duff Triple-Malt Kiss-Cam!
+Oh yeah, oh yeah, Duffman!
+Look, it's a thing!
+We both find public displays of affection vulgar.
+C'mon, Doc -- she's a fine-lookin' woman! You don't wanna work that?
+Homer? Homer? Now we have to kiss. The big TV is telling us to!
+Look at that ugly old man.
+That's you!
+Give me a kiss, Homie.
+Really? You'd kiss an ugly old man like me?
+Only if he'll kiss me back.
+Yeah, Homer! Suck that face!
+Remember when we used to kiss like that, Carl? With our respective girlfriends?
+Yeah, I wonder where Jill and Kelly are now...
+I heard Jill died. Kelly, I think, is a prostitute.
+What a game! I got on the kiss-cam, I participated in "the wave," and I got to pee in a trough! Marge, can we get a trough?
+For the last time, no!
+Ooh, iced tea!
+Hey, that was my iced tea. I just sweetened it to my liking!
+Buck Mitchell!
+Ooh, the baseball-playing man! I barely recognized you without your costume on.
+Evenin', Ma'am. I uh... couldn't help seein' you two exchanging marital kisses tonight.
+Yes, yes. The game you played so horribly at.
+Well, unfortunately... my marriage ain't so good.
+I never heard anything about it on the gossip shows, or the blogosphere or in my supermarket check-out magazine.
+I don't want to waste any more time in a mismatched marriage.
+I was wonderin' if you and the mister could give us some marriage counseling. Ya know uh, in return, I can give you season tickets.
+Season tickets?! I could entertain business clients. I might even land the Henderson account!
+Homer, can I see you in the kitchen?
+Sure. That means she wants to talk in private. It's probably about you.
+Homie, I don't think our marriage is so Jim Dandy that we should be counseling others.
+Hey, we've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.
+Well, we have managed to squeeze a lot of fun out of married life.
+That's just how I feel.
+That's what I want -- carefree intimacy, with no edge of resentment!
+Buck Mitchell!
+Buck, I guess we can help you out. We'll start tomorrow!
+Hey Buck, Buck! Buck, it's me, the weird guy from the stadium!
+Uh, there were a lot of weird guys at the stadium tonight.
+Y'know I remembered you.
+Buck, Tabitha, welcome. We'll start your first marriage counseling session as soon as Homer gets here.
+Sorry I'm late! I was just gathering my counseling equipment.
+Now let's remember: no one's right, and no one's wrong, till I say so.
+Uh, I-I think what Homer means is, why don't you tell us what each of you feels is the problem.
+Well, I'm an old-fashioned guy you know, and when we got hitched, I just assumed she'd give up her international recording career to focus on my minor-league baseball dreams.
+Wow, I think we've really hit on something here. Unfortunately, we're out of time. How does that make you feel?
+Shut up, my ten o'clock's here.
+Homer, please!
+Uh, let's see here... Ooh, here's something the book's previous owner underlined! "Be honest with your partner about what you're feeling."
+Hmmm... try to frame criticisms of your spouse in a positive way."
+Well, I'm positively sick of her shakin' her lady parts for the whole world to eyeball.
+Interesting, interesting....
+Buck, you've got a beautiful woman with a hot body that any man would fantasize about, even while making love to his own Marge.
+Thank you, Homer.
+Maybe we should stop here.
+Good idea, honey. Buck, would you mind signing a couple of baseballs for my boy?
+Uh yeah, sure.
+Just sign your name above President Lincoln's.
+Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice? They're always fighting -- if you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now.
+And I say a monkey can mow our lawn!
+This house is spectacular. You must have had a great view of the riots!
+I stole a rack of fur coats. I sell one a year to pay for Christmas.
+You make me laugh, Homer.
+Why, 'cause I'm fat?
+O-kay... tonight we're gonna discuss little ways to keep your romance alive. Make time for each other -- an hour, an evening, a mini-vacation...
+Well, I am presenting at the ESPY awards next week.
+And I'm receiving! Hey, we can wait for our limos together.
+Or take the same limo.
+Like I always say: compromise is the key.
+I always say that.
+Let's compromise and say nobody said it.
+And here's the pitch to Buck Mitchell...
+It's going, going... and like America's credibility on the world stage, that ball is gone!
+Buck Mitchell is back, and sluggier than ever. With five homeruns in two nights, he's ended rumors of early retirement, and inspired rumors of steroid abuse! But I've heard this turnaround is due to the marriage counseling of Marge and Homer Simpson, seen in this file photo.
+Homer, I'm proud of you. You've prolonged this celebrity marriage at least through playoff season.
+After that, who gives a hobo's crap? Am I right?
+I'M A GIRL WHO LOVES A MAN / AND WE LIVE IN SEXY MARRIAGE LAND /
+SEXY MARRIAGE LAND!
+Ooh, marriage.
+SEXY MARRIAGE LAND!
+Wow. I've got this sudden urge to give her a five dollar bill.
+That's it! We're outta here.
+Hey Tabitha, great show. I like that part where you mentioned Springfield. Did you know that's where you are?
+Hey, why don't you stay and have a bite?
+Oh, you're so hot.
+If only I'd seen you before I met my wife.
+Oh Homer, you're sweet, but... oh, you're talking to the chicken.
+Don't tell the hamburger in my car.
+Listen, these shows always tense me up. While your fingers are greasy, could you give me a neck rub?
+So, why didn't you marry one of your crummy backup dancers?
+Eh, they're day laborers. We pick them up in the Home Depot parking lot.
+Oh yeah... oh, that's it right there.
+Oh yes, yes it feels so good.
+Oh yeah...
+Thank God I brought protection.
+I used to be so embarrassed buying these.
+Homer Simpson! You're supposed to be my marriage counselor. I did workbook pages for you!
+Oh, we're gonna have a lot to talk about at your three o'clock.
+There ain't gonna be a three o'clock.
+Cancellations require twenty-four hours No-tice.
+...and that's why Lou Gehrig was a selfish crybaby who deserved to die. Springfield, let's hear from you.
+Uh yeah, I got a question.
+How come Buck Mitchell's game is in the toilet again?
+Well, rumor has it his marriage is failing due to the inept counseling of Homer and Marge Simpson.
+I knew it! I knew it! So uh, do I win a Jock Squawk t-shirt?
+Uh no, sorry.
+It don't need no writing on it. It don't even have to be clean.
+Is this Moe? What happened to that bumper sticker we gave you?
+Uh, it's holding in my hernia.
+Dad, because you and Mom screwed up Buck Mitchell's marriage, some kids beat me up at school today.
+Yeah, they beat me up at work. Look at the word they wrote on my skull.
+Oh, Papa.
+I didn't want you to learn that word this way.
+Marge, we've gotta get Buck and Tabitha back together. This is the most important case of our careers!
+Listen, Bub. We are out of the marriage counseling business. And the only one you should be giving chicken grease neck rubs to is me. But not me, 'cause I think they're disgusting.
+Oh, so now we're judging each other based on things we've done. Real fair. Class act.
+I'm going back to the stadium to bring those two kids back together. And I'll do it with or without you!
+Then I guess you'll do it without me.
+But I wanted to do it with you.
+Crossed arms mean "no."
+Tabitha, what a coincidence -- I was just thinking sad thoughts about you!
+I came to tell you I'm leaving Buck.
+What? No! No! What? No! What?
+Buck and I don't belong together.
+Don't give up on Buck. There must be something about him that attracted you in the first place.
+Well, yeah. He was the first man who didn't just like me for my body. He always complimented me on my hair. Ooh, your standing lamp is dirty. I'll polish it.
+Cancel all my appointments.
+Let's go.
+So here comes Buck Mitchell in a spot every kid dreams of, where a sacrifice fly could lead his minor league team to a wild-card spot.
+And there's the Duff blimp...with a special message from Tabitha to Buck.
+Said Zeppelin has a whole lotta love.
+It's working! Buck's buying my fake message! And you said it would never work.
+No, I said "Duffman will do what you want. Stop kicking and punching Duffman."
+I'm whackin' this for you, baby!
+And he sends one into the slug-o-sphere! It's going... going...
+My sister's friend!
+Tabitha? Tabitha? Oh, this is the worst blimp crash ever!
+Too soon!
+Where are you, sweetie?
+Uh... she was here a minute ago. She must be pooping.
+You're lying. This whole stunt was a lie!
+Get 'im! He ruined mini-bat day!
+Leave him alone!
+All he did was try to help a young couple find their way. Does he really deserve to get strung up for that?
+Cut that out!
+Duffman gives the people what they want.
+Weren't you just tied up in the blimp?
+Don't tell the children. It's disillusioning.
+Duffman! Duffman! Duffman! Duffman! Duffman!
+Marriage is hard work. But it's worth it -- when you've got someone wonderful like I do.
+Buck, I love you too. And I'll take you back, if you can guess tonight's attendance.
+Um... uh, B! No, no, no, A. No, no. Oh man, man.
+It's C. As in "keeping together," which is what I want to do.
+Well, Homer, it looks like my marriage is going into extra innings.
+Great. But enough of the baseball analogies. They sicken me.
+No problem.
+Now, m'lady, your carriage awaits.
+Ain't love grand, Tito?
+I don't care. Bandits just kidnapped my mother! Just found out.
+You know I can deal with your problem or I can rock out. But I cannot do both!
+WE'RE AN AMERICAN BAND / WE'RE AN AMERICAN BAND /
+WE'RE COMIN' TO YOUR TOWN / WE'LL HELP YOU PARTY DOWN / WE'RE AN AMERICAN BAND!
+Otto, help me!
+Fuuuuuuunk!
+What am I hearing now?
+Nature?! The ultimate bring-down! Why...was I...born?!
+Don't worry, dude. We'll hook you up with some tunes.
+OLD MCDONALD HAD A FART /
+FART, FART, FART, FART, FART / AND ON HIS FART HE HAD A FART / FART, FART, FART, FART, FART...
+That's not a song! Real songs are about deals with the devil, far-off lands, where you'd find smoke in relation to water.
+Mister driver? One of my bus mates has purloined my French horn.
+Why can't you talk like a dude?
+Oh, knock it off, Kearney! Why are you still in this school anyway? We were in third grade together.
+Stupid school doesn't know how to teach me!
+THE FARTS ON THE BUS GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND / /
+Oh wow, this is about ninety per cent less funny than you think it is! Wait -- the radio! That'll drown 'em out!
+Easy listening!
+Country western!
+World music!
+Urban smooth!
+Salsa fusion!
+Metallica?!
+Am I on drugs?
+Yes you are, but that really is Metallica. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a gumdrop parade on Foo-foo Island.
+What's up, Metallica? Need a lift?
+We don't take rides from strangers.
+I'm no stranger! Remember this?
+Metallica ruuules!
+Oh yeah... Springfield Arena, ninety-seven, Row XX, Seat sixty-four!
+I was about to quit the band when I saw your lighter. You saved me that night.
+So what are you waiting for? Hop in!
+Hop in what?
+Look at me, I'm Otto! I'm a hundred years old and I drive a school bus!
+Oh, man. Maybe me and Metallica can go splitsies on a cab.
+Hey loser, we got a ride from a real fan.
+I used to sleep with Lars' grandmother.
+Never listen to our music again!
+Bye-bye, take care, watch your step, eat my shorts, have a good one...
+She's all yours, dude. Oh, and I think I ran over a moose.
+This is for every bus driver, lunch lady, gym coach, hall monitor...
+Otto! Are you meting out corporal punishment?!
+Can't talk now! I'm spanking a child!
+You are temporarily suspended from bus driving, with pay!
+Hand in your beaded seat-cover.
+And your gun.
+I hope you're happy, Bart. Thanks to your hi-jinx, I have to drive you and your friends to school.
+Let me drive. I go through yellow lights.
+One more crack out of you, young man, and I'm showing everyone your baby pictures.
+Sorry, sorry, sorry!
+Carpool!
+I brought my own car seat. Look!
+Hey Lisa, my safety bar matches your eyes.
+Carpool, Nelson!
+Just a sec, I've got to finish my science project.
+Squirrels don't like rocks.
+Okay, just one more kid to pick up.
+Ew, it's Michael.
+That weird kid who never says anything.
+He's so gross and stupid.
+Hi, Michael!
+Hey dork, you're sittin' on my shadow!
+What, you're too good to sit on my shadow?
+Aw, I forgot my math book.
+No problem, I'll just drive up to your house and get it.
+Whoa! Your mother must dance at the nicest strip club in town.
+Michael, my son. Here is your book, and never forget: the divisor goes into the dividend.
+Yes, Papa.
+That was Fat Tony!
+Your Dad's a mob boss?!
+Please don't have me whacked! I was just kidding around. We were all having fun! Wasn't it fun? Oh, fun is so fun! There is no Mafia!
+Columbus Day is better than Christmas!
+He's Fat Tony's son! / His dad kills people!
+His Daddy putted bullets in my daddy. My Daddy had to potty in a bag.
+Ach! Look at all this puke! Why did I come in on my day off?
+Fat Tony's lad!
+God bless you.
+Oh, stop, stop! Who's the out-of-tune idiot on third clarinet?
+That's me.
+You didn't let me finish! From now on you're not third clarinet, you're first everything! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm brewing tea and I have to go jiggle my bags!
+You're sitting with me?
+I'm not afraid of you.
+You shouldn't be. I'm not like my Dad.
+I understand. I'm not like my Dad either.
+There's a triple A battery in my macaroni and cheese!
+It counts as a vegetable.
+I can't eat this.
+You know, I cook a little. Maybe I can make you something. All we need are some fresh ingredients.
+Well, you're not gonna find any here.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, get in the bowl.
+Dandelion greens, a sprig of wild dill, fresh blackberry juice for dressing...
+It's delicious!
+Are you just saying that 'cause you're afraid of my dad?
+No, it's great! Except for the bee!
+It's good to see you laughing!
+You could make a great chef someday.
+Cool! Who is it?
+My Dad wants me to go into the family business. Which is... uh... "waste management."
+We are going for a ride.
+By which I mean the carpool. Perhaps we will get yogurt.
+Now who wants to sleep with the fishes?
+Because I brought this "Finding Nemo" bedspread.
+The Calabresis! My arch-enemies in waste management!
+Milhouse, may I borrow your three-ring binder?
+"Garfield" or "Love Is?"
+Uh, I prefer the cat. He hates Mondays. We can all relate.
+Not that bad.
+I apologize for my tardiness. I "ran into" some old acquaintances.
+On the surface, that sounds perfectly pleasant.
+Papa, can Lisa and her family come over for dinner?
+We'd love to! You know, I've never met your wife.
+Sadly, my Anna Maria was whacked by natural causes.
+Oh, you're a widower.
+I bring flowers to her grave every Sunday.
+Flowers every week! I wish I was dead.
+Welcome to my home.
+Must have cost a fortune.
+Actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials or labor... or permits... or land.
+Wow, your paintings have brush marks and your statues have wieners!
+Your words honor my family.
+In the words of the old country: "Mangiare, i miei amici!"
+You've raised a savage beast!
+He's talkin' like the guy in "Fat Albert." Howba areba youba?
+Whyba youba doba thatba?
+Boss, the Calabresis are here for the sit-down.
+The sit-down's tonight?!
+Again this Palm Pilot has failed to remind me. I believe this needs to be hot-synced.
+What are you doing?
+I thought you meant "hot-sync" it. You know how it is with us -- everything means kill.
+Sit-down item number one: your recent murderous overtures with regard to my person.
+We meant no disrespect, Fat Tony -- we were simply trying to kill you.
+When we saw you driving that carpool, we figured you'd gone soft, and were therefore whackable.
+You'd be fools to kill me! For my son Michael would take my place -- and wreak a terrible vengeance.
+I made soufflés!
+I've tried to make those, but they always end up as brownies.
+You said you meant to make brownies. Any other lies?
+Mmm, this must be what angels taste like!
+Oh Michael, one bite of this soufflé and your father will realize your gift deserves to flower.
+Why can't you do anything?
+So, we are at peace once more. Let us indulge in exaggerated displays of affection!
+This guy, I love him! Get over here!
+My brother, over here!
+You're my everything, over here!
+You color my world, over here!
+Papa, I brought you some dessert.
+My God, this is like a lap-dance for my taste buds!
+Yeah, the flavor just drove my sweet tooth to a vacant lot and whacked it.
+Hey kid, what bakery did you boost these from?
+Well actually, I made them.
+Papa, I want to be a chef.
+A chef, huh?! Hey, look what we got here, it's Chef Boy-ar-gay!
+What's he gonna do if we rub you out? Serve our soup cold?
+Well, Gazpacho is served cold. So take that.
+Hey Tony, catch you later. Your kid's got a bright future... catering your funeral.
+You know what I like? Those little baby hot dogs. Do they small down big ones or do they make 'em different?
+Michael, you have made me appear weak in the eyes of my enemies.
+Fat Tony, it's not important what other people think of you. What matters is how you feel, inside!
+Your father's gonna be absolutely fine in about three months... but for now he can't talk, write or blink.
+With Fat Tony doin' the morphine mambo, the Calabresis are gonna try to put him down for a dirt nap.
+Dirt nap, eh? Hm...
+Homer, our house is on fire! Help me save the children!
+Sorry, Marge, can't hear ya!
+What am I gonna do now?
+Kid, the only way you're gonna live to grow shprazoot on your abonjoola is if you take your dad's place. Let's go.
+Hey, can we go by the Lexus place? I wanna test drive that new hybrid.
+You are a hybrid: half idiot, half moron.
+Whoa! Where did that come from? Whoa!
+I don't know what to do.
+This is all my daughter's fault. But I'll make it up to you. Bart and I will run your business till your Dad's okay.
+Well, what do you know about being a mob boss?
+Everything. And I learned it all from the greatest gangster film ever: "Shark Tale".
+This guy in here owes us money.
+Leave him to me.
+Ow! I hurt my fist and my palm. I thought you guys were lookin' out for me.
+All right, tap jockey, you owe Fat Tony fifty bucks. Cough it up!
+Look Mister, I-I-I don't got the cash. My clientele -- they're all bums. They never pay!
+Just get the money.
+Homer, the mob is puttin' the screws on me, see. I ain't gettin' killed 'cause you won't pay your tab. Now give me fifty bucks!
+Okay. Take it, take it! Just don't hurt me!
+Okay pretty boy, where's Fat Tony's fifty bucks?
+Look, all-all-all I got is twenty-five. I swear! I swear!
+It'll do for now.
+Hey hey, it's Fat Tony's crew! How's the big guy doing? I sent flowers but you probably didn't get them... you know florists, Glug, glug!
+Krusty, Fat Tony hasn't received his weekly payment for keeping McDonald's and Burger King out of town.
+Uh, I'm a little short this week. Could I just pay you five dollars to keep out Hardee's?
+Ow! My schnoz! My punim! My pupik! My genechtagazoink!
+Homer, where did you get that truck?
+Uh, it fell off a truck. You know, a truck-truck.
+Where did you get that?
+It fell off a truck-truck truck.
+Homer, Helen Lovejoy never returned my casserole dish from the church potluck. Could you pick it up?
+No problem. I'll be back in ten minutes.
+Hi-diddily-ho, mob-areenos!
+I don't know.
+I... uh... I got your phone bill in my mail by mistake... and, uh... I'll just pay it.
+Dad, you want I should plug him in the ankle?
+You monster! Just cut his Achilles tendon with this knife.
+Bart... Mr. Simpson. We are getting out of the mob business, right now.
+But this is the only life I know!
+I'm sorry. I just can't live with myself, seeing you this way.
+Can I still talk with my hands?
+I'm afraid not.
+What about with my ears?
+My friends... I surrender. I'm handing over all my father's territory, in exchange for the safety of my family and the Simpsons.
+Sorry. We can only guarantee we won't hurt them.
+Yeah. You know, they've still gotta eat right and exercise.
+Walk the dog once in a while. He's a furry little fitness machine.
+Well said. As for me, from now on, my only business... is cooking.
+You did the right thing, Mikey. You weren't cut out to be a wise guy.
+But you... you got a future in this business. Call me.
+Thanks, but I'm going into bootleg DVDs.
+It's so great that Michael's doing what he loves.
+And I can stop looking the other way from what my husband's doing.
+Lady. Man. Lady. Man. Lady.
+I wanna be buried next to my wife... under that bridge in Jersey.
+Someone poisoned these meatballs. Homer...?
+Hey, if I poisoned them, would I be doing this?
+This is a chef's worst nightmare. I won't be using this recipe anymore.
+Well done, my son. In making peace with our enemies, you were able to take them down. Perhaps you and I are not so different after all.
+Papa, I'm just glad you're okay. Now get some rest.
+Why didn't you tell him it was an accident? It was an accident, right? Michael?
+Don't ever ask me about my business, Lisa.
+Michael?
+Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
+Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
+So, how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
+Stop calling her that!
+I'll tell you how she died. You know that sign that says "Do not stand up on the roller coaster"?
+Overdosed right in front of it.
+Class all the way.
+Marge, could you let it go? You won. She's dead!
+We are here to mourn the tragic loss of Amber Pai Gow Simpson -- a gifted cocktail waitress who hoped one day to learn computers.
+Amber said she wouldn't let her eighth-grade education stop her from achieving her dreams. And yet, it did.
+Yes. Of course.
+You were Homer's wife / for a two-day spurt / Your name was Amber / just like the alert...
+Bart, put that away!
+Everyone relax, huh -- I know the Heimlich. I learned it a few years ago. It was nineteen ninety-seven, and "Titanic" was proving unsinkable at the box office...
+Somebody do me!
+Your son is out of control!
+Yeah, put a leash on him, lady!
+First, let me assure you that Bart's antics are perfectly normal for a seven-year-old.
+Actually, he's ten.
+Oh dear. Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
+Spare us your medical mumbo-jumbo! Just give us the pills. Clear-cut his brain down to the nub!
+Thank you, Doctor. Marge?
+But for Bart, I'm going to prescribe a more unorthodox treatment.
+Cymbals... snare... high hat... tom-tom... sticks, mallet and brushes... this is a drum kit!
+Drumming demands energy and concentration -- one of which Bart has, and one of which Bart needs.
+Homie, look -- he's enjoying it.
+I've never seen him happier.
+Whoa! Trippy!
+Hey kid, why don't you watch where you're drumming!
+Sorry, White Stripes. No hard feelings?
+Let's kick his ass!
+Why couldn't he give up this like he gives up everything else?
+I know -- I'll use that white-noise machine I got you when your father died.
+Transport yourself to the shores of Nova Scotia, where cod and halibut frolic in--
+He's just drumming louder!
+So it's a noise war he wants, huh? Then I'll throw in some rush-hour traffic!
+And a circus fire!
+Sleep tight, my angel!
+Oh! Let me know when and if you want sex, honey!
+He's gotta fall asleep sometime, doesn't he?
+You guys need a break. Why don't I take Bart with me to the children's be-bop brunch at Jazzy Goodtime's?
+Is it in a safe neighborhood?
+Just make it happen!
+Boy, get dressed. You're going to a jazz brunch, as punishment for all the racket you're making!
+I thought you wanted me to drum!
+I'm sending you mixed messages! Now get the Hell outta here!
+I love you so much. Damn you!
+What it is, hep cats? you want me to "scat-sing" the menu?
+Absolutely not.
+God bless you, sir.
+Hey Bart, you wanna jam with me?
+Okay... if you give me your omelet.
+Woo hoo! I'm a professional musician!
+Not bad for a newbie, Bart! You just may be the second-best player up here. In case you're wondering who the best one is, it's me.
+Crazy man, crazy. Oh, yeah!
+That's a wrap, kids. Now go have some Jazzy Bread -- that's bread that fell on the floor.
+Excuse me, are you Lisa Simpson?
+Yes, I am.
+I'm Defonzo "Skinny" Palmer, and this is Marcus "Marbles" Le Marquez.
+Pleased to meet you.
+We were about to play a quick set, and we were wondering if you...
+...Lisa Simpson...
+...would do us the honor...
+...of sitting in -- that chair in the audience. We wanna jam with your brother!
+Look! Bart's onstage... and he's contributing to the entertainment!
+We have deal!
+I was jamming with Skinny Turner and Marbles Le Marquez! And they want me to join their trio!
+Woo hoo! What's next? A contract with Groove-tone Records? Take the G-train, baby. Groove-tone!
+Oh, I can't believe...
+Lisa, why aren't you smiling with us?
+'Cause I've wanted to jam with jazz musicians all my life! How would Bart like it if I just hopped on his skateboard and instantly became great?
+Mild-mild-mild-mild-mild!
+Lisa, you've got to be more careful! I need you to teach me all about the world of juzz.
+It's jazz! Jazz! You don't even know the name of the thing you are stealing from me!
+Bart, you're so steady on those skins, we're gonna call you Tic Tock!
+I always wanted a jazz nickname!
+Fine. We'll call you uh... Downbeat. 'Cause you're bringin' us doooooown.
+That is the most unfair...
+Downbeat, downbeat, please. We're shootin' the breeze with Tic Tock.
+Man, I am so juzzed.
+Bart, a rising star like you needs a manager, and Gil's your guy! Oh, I'm a jazz daddy from way back...with the skit-skat skittily boom-de-boom, and the ding-dong daddy... is that jazz? That's jazz, right? Cha-cha-cha with the curly fries!
+Oh, son. I like you more, now that other people like you.
+It's mergatronic, Daddy-Ho.
+Bart, does that even mean anything?
+Xavier Cugat!
+Bossie, the music business would chew you up and spit you out. You just keep your eyes on the prize, girl.
+Mom, I'm gonna lose it! Bart's on the cover of both local jazz magazines: "Blowin'" and "The Sugar Sheet".
+Here's the only thing I've been on the cover of.
+Look... uh... how 'bout we go to the pound, and get a puppy just for you?
+That might work.
+Aww, they're all so cute.
+You know what's even cuter? Picking one without talking to me.
+Well, I kind of like this guy...
+Ooh, but this one is precious!
+Okay, this little guy's coming home with me! Who's gonna get neutered tomorrow? You are! Oh, yes you are.
+Lisa Simpson... you doomed me!
+I did? How?
+By choosing the cuter puppy! You picked looks over personality, youth over experience, no history of rabies over unknown rabies status! And now I'm going to die!
+I never wanted that to happen!
+You suuuuuck! You suuuuuck!
+Thanks, sweetie. You suuuuuck!
+Well, if you want him, you can have him.
+And if you get tired of him...
+I won't get tired of him!
+It's just too bad you can't take ol' Smiley here. He'll be in God's dumpster tomorrow.
+I'll take him too!
+And I'm gonna put ol' Henry here to sleep because he knows my darkest secret: I like putting animals to sleep.
+I'll take him too.
+Okay, guys. No one knows you're here, so be quiet. And if you get hungry, there are rats living in the Christmas decorations.
+And then today at lunch Lenny and I went to the park and rented a rowboat. Carl sketched us from the bank. Summer days.
+What are those noises? They sounded zoological!
+Where's the beef?
+Shut up! I just said "shut up." I'll punish myself by going upstairs.
+Bart! What are you doing here?
+Not smoking reefer!
+That's right. We all not smoking reefer.
+No, Buttercup! No!
+My arm! It hurts where the tiger's biting it!
+Bart, that was a nasty bite you got. You'll recover... but you'll never drum again.
+Says you!
+I was a great drummer, and now I'm nothing! Just like Phil Collins.
+I feel so terrible. I just wanted to save those animals while Bart became a drummer... but I never thought the two stories would intersect.
+And what about my new job as a Mexican wrestler?
+Beware of el Taco Belly!
+No mas! No mas!
+Uh yes, I would like a bird because I'm often lonely in the lab. Birds help.
+See, Lisa. We're making progress.
+Drop the marsupial!
+If those animals aren't gone by midnight tomorrow, Animal Control is gonna round 'em all up.
+And kill 'em.
+Can I uh... can I borrow that ostrich?
+How cool is this?
+I guess that's it. These animals are all gonna die.
+Not if I can help it, Lisa!
+Do you have an idea?
+Uh, no. sorry if it sounded like I did.
+Hey guys, great news -- I can drum again!
+Sorry, Tic Tock. Your tick is on... but your tock is gone!
+Well, I've got a confession to make. This right arm... it's not mine.
+Whose is it?
+Tic Tock, maybe you could get yourself some of that sweet, sweet... what do you call it?
+Arthroscopic micro-surgery to reattach the ulnar nerve?
+Yeah, that's the jingle.
+The doctor did say surgery might help... but it costs seventy-eight thousand dollars!
+Well I bet we could raise it with a benefit concert. Huh? Huh?
+Outta sight! / In the pocket! / Groovay, groovay!
+Now, you boys know you don't have the follow-through to put something like that together.
+Somethin' like what together?
+The benefit concert!
+Benefit concert!?
+Outta sight! / In the pocket! / Groovay, groovay!
+This benefit concert is gonna be Scooby Dooby.
+I'm very happy for you, Bart.
+Why are you sad? Thinking about your marriage?
+If we can't find a home for those animals, they'll be put to sleep. Your sister's very upset.
+I feel weird. It's like a potato chip full of shame, going down my throat sideways.
+Honey, what you're feeling is called "empathy."
+Now I'm gonna learn a new word.
+Empathy means you're looking at Lisa, and feeling what she feels. Your sister poured her heart into rescuing those animals to forget the pain of being upstaged in jazz. And now...
+How can I end this torture?!
+You could do something nice for Lisa.
+You're my mother! How can you say that?
+Hey, hey! We got more Jazz superstars on the way, folks!
+You ain't so bad.
+Where's the beef?
+You ain't so bad.
+Where's the beef?
+You ain't so bad.
+Good morn-ing.
+Gooey Martin, Willie Mimms, Drop Jaws Turner, Sketch Friendly, Tootsie Childs, Sammy Biltmore, No-Talent Jones, Anwar Benitez, Bossy Marmalade, Bad-Check Mazursky, Ray-Ray Takamura, Shaky Premise, Bootsy Croutonne, Richard Sakai, The Pre-Marital Sextet, C.S.I. Miami, D.W. Jitters! The Chubb Group, Cantaloupe St. Pierre, and many, many, more funny names! And it's all to fix this very talented arm!
+Oh, right, the nerve damage. Here's the benefit money -- now I'm gonna go vomit to keep my weight down. That's right, that's how Krusty does it.
+I wanna thank everyone for this special night. Jazz folk may have the smallest apartments, but they also have the biggest hearts.
+But the biggest heart I know is in my sister Lisa.
+What about me...
+...Tootsie Childs?
+Lis, you poured your heart into rescuing society's most vulnerable critters: animals. So I want all the money we've raised tonight to go to building... The Lisa Simpson Home for Abandoned Animals!
+Oh, Bart, thank you so, so much!
+You know what we should do? Hold a benefit concert.
+Outta sight! / In the pocket! / Groovay, groovay!
+Hey, am I still married to your sister?
+Naw, she died.
+This place is looking a little run down.
+Yeah, hasn't been the same since they murdered the Mayor's Dad here.
+Ooh! A J.C. Penney's...used to be here.
+Now it's a collection of candle kiosks and Persian CD stores.
+How you doing, bro? We've got the latest by Nabil -- "Uma Shang Shang -- The Flower Song!"
+UMA SHANG SHANG / UMA SHANG SHANG / UMA SHANG SHANG. Is like eh, Bruce Springsteen the Boss. Ya?
+I guess.
+If you buy now, I give you tooth ache cream. Tooth ache cream.
+These games are so old. Who got these high scores? Pilgrims? Hmm, never saw this one before.
+What's going on here? Am I destroying these triangles or trying to assemble them? What does this button do? Now my ship is pooping more triangles!
+Oh no, I won a free game!
+Ooh, gummy worms!
+Uh, that candy's been here an awfully long time. I'd think twice if I were you.
+Don't tell me how many times to think!
+You are not bringing that thing home.
+Then stand back!
+This doesn't taste like I thought it would.
+Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
+We already own a book!
+"Wisconsin From Above," "Veterans' Day Parades," ooh, "Smiles of Ireland"! Redheaded twins? Their mother must have her hands full!
+Cool, a carpenter's library!
+This doesn't look easy, but I'll bet it is.
+Well, I like the idea of you as a handyman... and I love the idea of you reading!
+Oh yeah? Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah...
+Blah blah blah, blah blah blah...
+Okay, now you do me.
+I never wanna go back to that mall. There were eels in the photo booth!
+Bart, here's a letter from your school!
+A fire?! I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge! I mean, what fire? I mean, a letter from school? Please elaborate.
+Someone at your school has a life-threatening peanut allergy.
+The letter doesn't say. But from now on, no peanut products are allowed on school property.
+Let's see what you've got... Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, trail mix -- starring peanuts, Good grief! More peanuts!
+Harley Mozell is hit from behind by J. T. Delacroix!
+And Earl Tilleson! Oh, and Buddy Rollette! And the Pecker brothers, Danny and Dell! And the ol' Grizzley himself -- Weasel Johnson Junior! Look at that carnage -- we are worse than the ancient Romans!
+Homie, don't you want to build something with your new fix-it books?
+I did! I made a foot rest.
+Don't you have any follow-through on anything?
+What's the point? We're all slowly dying.
+Oh, the floorboard broke my nightstand.
+I did it! What's that strange feeling? It's "of accomplishment"!
+Wow Mom, you made all this?
+It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry.
+Aww, what a sweet blasphemy.
+This is a valuable skill. People might even pay you to build things for them.
+I could start my own carpentry business. I'm already arranging the clip art for the letterhead in my mind.
+Perfect!
+Uh, can I help you, Miss?
+I'm here to fix your bookcase. You answered my flyer.
+And you're the carpenter?
+That's right.
+I see. Not that I have anything against female carpenters, but I have some pictures hanging that you might find um... unsavory. Goodbye.
+A lady carpenter? I dunno. What if you get pregnant and I'm left with half a hot tub? And don't tell me you're infertile. I ain't fallin' for that again.
+It's so unfair -- I'm as handy as any man.
+You sure are, sweetie -- I love this bed you made.
+I guess people just expect their carpenter to be some fat guy with his butt crack showing.
+Homer, your butt just gave me a brilliant idea!
+Yep, it'll do that.
+"Simpsons Manly-Man Handyman" at your service.
+Superlative! Please install a doggie door sized for a teacup poodle.
+No problem. Why don't you go inside and stir your flubber while I get to work.
+Marge, the coast is clear.
+I'm terribly sorry. I thought I heard the sound of a woman measuring.
+Oh, uh, that was me. You know that old saying: "measure like a girl, hammer like a guy."
+Yes, but you're holding your hammer backwards.
+Oh, uh... you know what they say, "hammer with the wood and it's all good."
+It's allll good.
+All right, then.
+A dash of glue, a turn of screw, and a gazebo's built that's perfect for two -- or more!
+Uh-oh, switch!
+...Annnd done.
+Mm-hmm! Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
+Listen... what would you say if I told you a woman did most of the work?
+I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin... for your manhood.
+Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
+Uh... Like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
+Well said. Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
+Okay, gimme all your peanuts, Goobers and Fluffer Nutters.
+Mmm... extra-virgin...
+Why should we have to give up our salty snacks, just to keep one allergic kid from exploding?! Who is this selfish jerk anyway?
+It's not me, I swear. I'm only allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy, and my own tears.
+Oh no! Call my allergist!
+And my optometrist!
+Willie, you can tell me: who's the mystery wuss who can't eat peanuts?
+I'll never say his name!
+"His," eh? Hmm, so it's a dude.
+Who says it's a dude? A principal can be a man or a woman these days.
+I've taken all the peanut products. Just like the English took our sheep and our women back in 1291. Then they sent them back -- which was worse!
+Yes, yes, every day we go through this. Why don't you just incinerate the contraband.
+Will do -- but first, Willie gets his gob-full!
+Careful with those peanut crumbs! My allergy is so sensitive a single molecule would make my throat close like a museum at four forty-five.
+Hello, Marge. Picking up supplies for Handy Homer?
+It must feel good to know that you're "helping."
+I help more than you might think.
+Sure you do -- you provide food and sexual release for your handy husband!
+Looks like you broke something -- better call Homer!
+Of course I can make a credenza, whatever that is. Just give all the details to my secretary Shirley.
+This is Shirley. Yes, fine, he'll be there tomorrow. Goodbye!
+That Shirley is quite a gal. We should fix her up with Barney.
+Homie... I think you're taking a little too much credit for my work. I mean, look at your t-shirt!
+Marge, giving me credit was your idea. Now could you rub my butt? I sat on it so much it's a little sore.
+Look, I'm sorry you're upset. But if we tell the truth now, I'll be humiliated in front of the whole town. Then you won't be married to a man. You'll be married to some kind of gay jellyfish, floating outside the Florida Keys, cruising for rich snorkelers. You don't want that.
+I guess I don't.
+Bart, Skinner's gonna be really mad at you.
+Yes, you might say he'll "blow up."
+Whatever, I've got some paper to mâché.
+Simpson! Report to detention at once.
+I'm not a big fan of detention. You might say, it drives me nuts.
+My allergen!
+I'M A COOTIE EATER / I'VE BEEN ONE ALL MY LIFE. / I LIKE THE COOTIES SO MUCH / I HAVE A COOTIE WIFE.
+Why does Lenny need a windmill anyway?
+He wants to grind his own corn. Maybe it'll finally shut him up about the high price of cornmeal.
+Switch!
+Switch, switch, switch.
+Wow, great job, Homer.
+And to think you built this whole thing with your own two hands.
+Who'd you think would help me, my wife? Heh.
+Your wife? Gimme a break. The only thing women can build is credit card debt!
+Credit card debt.
+Homer, did you leave a power drill on in your toolbox? It's makin' this horrible noise.
+Are you ready to be lightly assaulted?
+Yeah, I hear it too. Maybe we can cover it up by singing a fun song. "WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU..."
+"WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU / WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU..."
+"WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU! / WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU..."
+BUDDY YOU'RE A BOY MAKE A BIG NOISE / PLAYIN' IN THE STREET GONNA BE A BIG MAN SOME DAY...
+...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, infinity. I never expected them to climb on the cabinet and ride it down the biggest hill in town.
+Homer, it's time people knew the truth: I'm doing the work and I want the credit.
+Look, I understand that you're mad. Which makes now the perfect time to tell you the mayor's hired us to fix the old Springfield roller coaster.
+By the way, nice job installing this wall-chart bracket. If the kids ask, I did it.
+You're gonna have to fix that roller coaster yourself, 'cause I quit... and I'm taking this with me!
+Darn these counter-sunk molly clamps!
+This is not going to end well.
+Now as I see it, the problem with this roller coaster is there are too many boring "going-up" parts.
+We need to replace them with kick-ass "going-down" parts.
+Mr. Simpson, shouldn't we begin by securing the struts?
+Hmm... let me mull that over.
+What are struts?
+I don't know anything about struts.
+This guy's all bubble and no level.
+So what? He's paying us fifty grand.
+And I promised these guys money I don't have! And they're gonna be so mad!
+Let's go home.
+Maybe I can sneak home without them seeing me.
+I brought you breakfast in bed.
+Eat it.
+Excuse me. I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breastfeed Bilbo Baggins.
+Your cowering suggests that Bart has found your 'kryptonite'.
+Kryptonite? What's that? The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
+I do not know whether to laugh or cry at your ignorance. I shall laugh: Ha-ha! Kryptonite is Superman's greatest weakness.
+Wait... maybe Bart has a kryptonite!
+Perhaps. But for now, you may suckle your Baggins.
+I've got you now, Bart.
+Dad, here's a thought: if you just gave Mom credit, maybe she could help you.
+Sweetie, you don't understand. If I can do this myself, then all those lies I told will be true. Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?
+I'd like a Daddy who lived in the real world.
+To Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.
+Good morning, Seymour. You may be wondering what I'm doing with this hat full of maggots...
+Actually, I'm not wondering at all.
+Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!
+No! I'm allergic!
+Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old.
+No one teaches me history!
+A wooden sign!
+Peanut?!
+Shrimp?!
+With my help.
+If either of us falls in, we're doomed!
+Kids don't die!
+I was... El Barto.
+Nooooo!
+Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, and out-of-town roller-coaster weirdoes.
+Your father's finally gonna get exposed as the credit-stealing fraud he is!
+Perfect.
+And now I give you... the Zoominator!
+Ooooooooooooooooooooh!
+And now to get stinking drunk!
+I'm not getting married on that!
+You won't get married on Colossus, you won't get married on The Zoominator, you won't get married on The Pharaoh's Curse... just say it, it's me!
+Oh no, baby, no!
+Dad, put aside your selfish male ego and tell the truth!
+Sure, I'll tell them the truth...
+The truth is that I'm perfect and everything I touch is perfect!
+Oh my God, he'll kill himself! He'll never hear me say "I told you so!"
+I've never felt saferrrr!
+Uh-oh. Oh. Why must we preserve America's historic roller coasters?
+Thank you honey!
+Everyone! My stupid male pride made me lie to you. Everything I claiiimed I did was actually built by Maaarge!
+Homer, I was pretty upset with you, but in the end, I... I... I-beam!
+Avenge me!
+Marge, I realized something when I was trapped under all that rubble: marriage is the real roller coaster. I'm just glad I have you as my safety bar.
+I forgive you my darling. Get well.
+As for you, young man: the next time you save your principal, try not to risk your own life.
+What kind of lies are you feeding her, Simpson?
+Mind your own beeswax!
+I'm gonna go look at the new babies.
+Look! A shooting star!
+Hey, that's great. Let's look at it after.
+That almost tore my head off!
+You always find an excuse not to make out.
+Ooh, a space marshmallow!
+Where do you think you're going?
+Dad, no! It could teach us the secret of interstellar travel!
+If he's so smart, how come he can't stay outta my mouth?
+How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from!
+Marge, I ate it, it's over.
+Oh no you don't!
+If I can keep down Arby's I can keep down you!
+Must eat, then poop, then eat some more, then eat while pooping.
+Still hungry.
+Son! Let me have a lick at you.
+Homer! You won't eat my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?
+Nag, nag, nag.
+Is that the cat?
+Uh, no. Just gas.
+Ooh, teenagers... No! Today's teens have enough problems, without me eating them.
+Barbeque sauce fight!
+The flames are sealing in my juices!
+I'll savor you!
+Grampa?
+Tell my friends I died kissing a girl!
+Beer-battered Germans...
+What did we Germans ever do to deserve this?
+Oh, right.
+Must eat more fat people. Thank God I'm in America!
+I LIKE BIG GUTS AND I CANNOT LIE / DOUBLE CHINS WITH THE CHAFING THIGHS / WHEN A DUDE WALKS IN WITH THE HANGING JOWLS, AND MY STOMACH STARTS TO GROWL / I'M GETTIN' HUNGRY / SO I MASTICATE / CHOMPING ON THE OVERWEIGHT / I EAT FAT PEOPLE FOR DAYS / LIKE POTATO CHIPS BY LAY'S / TRY TO EAT JUST ONE, BUT IT CAN'T BE DONE / I'VE GOT TO EAT A TON / BABY LIKES FAT / BABY LIKES FAT
+I used to think these shirts were just for fat slobs.
+It's blob rule on the streets of Springfield! And to make matters worse, we're also being attacked by a fifty-foot Lenny.
+Everyone's payin' attention to Homer.
+I still like you.
+Thanks, Invisible Carl.
+Hiddily-ho, Blobareeno.
+Homer, I need to talk to you.
+Dr. Phil McGraw!
+You've got a weight problem, and you know it.
+You're right. Starting tomorrow, no bread before dinner.
+Homer, don't sell me an outhouse and tell me it's the Taj Mahal.
+Yeah, Homer! Stop doin' that!
+It's time to open up a can of honesty: you're thinking about eating me right now, aren't you?
+Aren't you?
+That's ridiculous, talking fudge.
+Homer, your family's here. And you gotta help me help them help you help me help you.
+Marge! I missed you! All this eating has put me in the mood for a little lovin'.
+Well, back to the drawing board.
+I have to be honest with you -- I can't love a four-thousand-ton cannibal.
+What happened to "for better or for worse?!"
+Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil!
+It's amazing. He tastes just like Jeffrey Tambor.
+Food does not equal love!
+Marge, to keep you in my life, I'd do anything. There must be some way to turn my problem into a positive for the community.
+In you go, boys. We've got everything: warm beds, square meals, homeless women...
+I've got a bad feeling about this, Blue.
+Get in there!
+Nice to be indoors, isn't it?
+Finally, I'd like to announce that starting Monday, this show will be broadcast in HDTV. Here's how I'll look.
+That's right, look at your hero! Goodnight, everybody!
+Aren't you coming, Bart?
+No, I'm gonna go backstage and complain. This Krusty Brand alarm clock sprays acid in your face.
+You already showed me before!
+Whoa, Krusty's prop room!
+Cool! It's that clown car all those midgets drowned in!
+Hey, kid! This ain't a museum. That's a museum.
+For kids, forty-nine bucks!
+Krusty, what's that monster?
+It's the Golem of Prague.
+A legendary defender of the Jewish people, like Alan Dershowitz, but with a conscience. I kid Alan, we're friends. Anyway, back in the sixteen-hundreds...
+...a rabbi created this magic creature out of humble clay...
+No! What are you nuts?! She was made for me!
+The golem would perform any task that was written on a scroll and placed in its mouth.
+Now he works for me. So the wife says, "I don't have to pay for it -- I put it on my charge plate"!
+You suck, clown!
+You made my lady cry!
+Come to my house at midnight.
+Now if you'll excuse me, I have to rehearse my "Desperate House-flies" sketch. Buzz, buzz. Ooh, here comes that sexy young garbage man. I'm gonna need a shoebox full of blow to get through this dreck.
+Bart, there's something I have to tell you father to son. I passed out on your turtle and killed it. Someday you'll thank me.
+Hey, Milhouse.
+It worked!
+Now, there's something I've wanted to do for a long time.
+Can't you read my writing? I didn't say kick Homer's "walls".
+What's goin' on?
+That's better.
+Yo, Simpson. Give us your lunch money.
+I don't think so. In fact, why don't you give me your lunch money?
+Who's gonna make us? That golem?
+No, my go-- Yes, him.
+Finally, someone who does whatever I say.
+Hey Bart, I shaved my head, like you told me.
+Get lost.
+Yes, Master!
+Bart, did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
+Oh, it's always the Jews' fault.
+Hmm, well I think your golem doesn't like hurting people. And I'll prove it.
+What's with this outfit? It looks like a lion ate a parrot and then threw up.
+Finally! I can talk! This is the voice I've got? Sounds like I should be selling egg creams in Brighton Beach.
+That's what we call Jewish humor. You don't have to understand it 'cause the words sound funny. Mishugenna. Hilarious. Hello. Huh? It's funny, believe me.
+Do you feel bad about what you did?
+Of course I feel bad! My stomach feels like it's hosting the Chabad telethon -- and Norm Crosby's going long.
+"Kill the Czar"? Now that's an old one.
+Hey boy, where's your mud buddy? I have a little job for him.
+He was driving me crazy so I sent him on an errand.
+Skin-ner! Just let him kill you already.
+That's the man I was telling you about.
+Skin-ner! I wish we'd been closer. Get him out of here, Willie.
+You'll make better mulch than you did a man.
+I may be bifurcated, but I still have feelings.
+I feel so guilty: I've mangled and maimed thirty-seven people, and I told a telemarketer I was busy when I wasn't. I'm not a good man.
+He sure is neurotic for a monster.
+The cure to any man's problems is a good relationship.
+Yeah, get him a woman. That'll end his misery!
+This hurts so much.
+Just write a scroll, asking him to stop.
+Writing's for nerds.
+You got a surprise for me? The surprise would be if I found some good live theater in this town. Then people could have some drinks, watch "Fiddler"... very nice.
+Will you shut up?
+Is she for me? Hanukah came early this year. Which it sometimes does.
+Hello, everybody.
+I now pronounce you monster and whatever you are.
+Shayna punim.
+Not so fast! You're wanted for the murder of Seymour Skinner.
+Oh c'mon, Chief. We've got a Latke bar downstairs.
+Latkes? What the hell are those?
+They're pan-fried--
+Case dismissed.
+Wonderful!
+I don't get it -- what's so "Great" about this Depression?
+Well, I like how everything's sepia-toned. Makes me feel all nostalgic.
+I never thought it would come to this when I fought in the first world war.
+First world war? Why do you keep callin' it that?
+Oh, you'll see.
+We interrupt this dance music from the Meridian Room in Capitol City's fabulous Hotel Hitler, to bring you a special bulletin.
+Hey, I'm not done dancin'! This bulletin better swing!
+Reports are coming in of giant metal cylinders landing on the outskirts of major American cities.
+Cylinders?!
+Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth's closest neighbor...
+Flanders?
+So, it's a war of the worlds. Good thing we've got the sun on our side.
+Go ahead and hide, you coward!
+I'm in the small town of Grover's Mill...
+...where a crowd has gathered around one of the strange Martian cylinders. It's opening! A tentacle is emerging!
+Settle down, children. Have a cigarette to calm your nerves.
+Oh, my stars! It's firing a beam of pure energy!
+It's burning people alive!
+Okay boys, we're under attack! Let's drive 'em out of town the way we did with the Irish!
+Hey, I'm Irish.
+Oh wait, I'm Polish.
+The devastation is incredible. They're grinding up the bodies of human beings.
+Now they're riding horses in the rain.
+Now they're playing the xylophone while bowling near an airport!
+Now, before we all die, one last selection from the Nathan Newley Orchestra.
+Gee Mr. Welles, this sure is a swell show you're puttin' on for the folks.
+Well I just hope our saucy little radio prank will give these "folks," as you call them, a giggle, a gasp, and provide a good lead-in for Misters Amos and Andy.
+Burn everything!
+You know, Homer, we haven't actually seen these aliens.
+That's alien talk!
+"Big Band Stu" says twenty-three skidoo!
+We have nothing to fear, but the aliens and their vastly superior killing technology!
+Boys, we have to assume our guns are useless. Throw 'em in the lake.
+Good. Now, the police car.
+Wait -- did you get my sweater out of the front seat?
+Uh, yeah.
+Well where is it?
+I'll go get it.
+Wait, I have an idea! The Martians are only killing humans, so we should pretend to be animals!
+Ingenious! Everyone -- remove your clothes and wallow in filth!
+What is everyone doing?
+We're outsmarting the Martians.
+Martians? You do know that radio broadcast was a hoax?
+Yeah. It was an Orson Welles radio play of "War of the Worlds."
+I'm proud of what I achieved during my rioting.
+It was either kill him or kill no one!
+Foolish Earthlings!
+Now is the perfect time to strike -- they'll think it's another hoax!
+Dad! A flying saucer blew up that statue!
+Lisa, that was just a radio show.
+Uh, Paw.
+Please, you must believe me -- this is no hoax! This is a real invasion!
+Oh yeah? Why don't I just punch you in the nose, Bud?
+"Nose-bud." Chief, you've got to alert the military!
+Fine, fine, I'll do it right now.
+U.S. Army. What's the threat?
+Uh, we've been invaded... by a pompous, radio ham.
+How's it feel when the hoax is on the other foot?
+I must admit, it's unpleasant.
+You fool. You've doomed us all.
+Tell it to the Great Gildersleeve.
+Well, they didn't eat the skin. That's... that's healthy.
+Colonel Kang, your report.
+Well... The Earthlings continue to resent our presence. You said we'd be greeted as liberators!
+Don't worry. We still have the people's hearts and minds.
+I don't know. I'm starting to think "Operation: Enduring Occupation" was a bad idea.
+We had to invade. They were working on weapons of mass disintegration!
+Sure they were.
+Bart, can we go to Banana Republic? There's a mannequin there I have a crush on.
+Milhouse, that is the most pathetic thing I ever... oh my God, she's beautiful!
+Bullies!
+Wait -- they're employees! They have to be nice to us! Let's go.
+Oh shoe-boy? I'm looking for something in a cross-trainer.
+What size do I smell like?
+You're dead, Simpson!
+Dude, don't lose it in the workplace. We're already on thin ice with Mr. Friedman.
+The shoe size calibrator is for measuring feet and nothing else.
+Yes, Mr. Friedman. I'm sorry, Mr. Friedman. That tie really brings out your eyes, Mr. Friedman.
+You're lacing it wrong! I want it overy-undery, not undery-overy.
+Re-lace them all!
+Attention part-time sales representatives!
+I am leaving this job to work at Jolly Tamale because the hours are better and my Mom's really sick.
+When you leave, what happens to your rule about not whaling on customers?
+That rule leaves with me.
+Idle teens at one o'clock!
+Intercepting in three, two...
+'Sup guys? Heard the new rap CD?
+Yo, I don't know what I dig more, hip-hop, krunk, or serving my country.
+Are you guys hittin' on us?
+No, man, we just wanted to talk to you about something near and dear to us.
+What? Being gay?
+Close -- the Army. Because of exciting current events, the Army needs new members.
+New members who want to earn money for college, and see a part of the world that tourists never go to.
+Doesn't the Army have to fight in wars?
+Not wars -- global struggles.
+You guys like globes?
+Let's go, dudes.
+Dammit! Even the dumbest teenagers in the dumbest town in the dumbest state know better than to join the Army.
+Well, we'll just have to go younger.
+What's this assembly for? A surprise Doodlebops concert?
+Standardized tests, standardized tests, standardized tests...
+How many of you like video games?
+Well, what if there was a violent video game that you could play for free, plus it's real life and not a game at all? Wouldn't that be slammin'?
+Who are these wonderful people?
+Now we brought along a movie. Do you guys know where we can find some awesome kids to show it to?
+Dearborn, Michigan?
+No, here!
+You got it.
+I'm imagining that knight is me!
+The Army -- It's everything you like!
+Now you can't legally join the army until you turn eighteen. But if you pre-enlist now, we will save you a spot in America's next unresolvable conflict!
+Listen to those half-pencils scribble. Thanks for fitting us in, Sergeant Skinner.
+Well, I'd do anything for my beloved Army.
+Well, how about re-enlisting?
+How about you bite me?
+Great news, Ma! I agreed to join the army when I turn eighteen!
+What?! Homer! Our son joined the Army!
+Eh, big deal -- by the time Bart's eighteen, we're gonna control the world! We're China, right?
+Now listen, Bub. You go down to those recruiters and tell them Bart is too young for the Army. I don't want this to be the only memory I have of him.
+How come I can't join the army but Lisa gets to be in PETA?
+I think she just answers their phone...
+Fur is murder! When's the Krusty movie coming out?
+This one's ruined! Gimme the backup.
+Now the babies.
+And the monkey-head mittens!
+Yeah, I'm a real class act.
+Okay Mr. Simpson, we'll tear up your son's contract.
+Sorry, guys. You know, his mother's the one who made me come down here.
+Sounds uh, like you're kind of tired of being bossed around at home.
+Would you be interested in, um... I don't know, joining the army?
+Wouldn't that take me away from my family for two whole years?
+Hey, a big target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.
+Woo hoo! Where do I sign?
+Now where's my parade? Where's my parade?
+We have this issue of Parade Magazine.
+Ooh, "Who makes what in America." Army private: fourteen thousand a year.
+Homer, with all the things you've done -- go into space, attend clown college, join the Navy -- I never thought you'd join the Army!
+Whoa, even the Army has Humvees now!
+Side effects may include drowsiness and loss of appetite.
+Homie, don't do this -- you have a wife and three young children at home.
+I have to Marge. Who else is gonna keep oil under a hundred dollars a barrel?
+You? Don't make me laugh! You couldn't--
+Aw, no, daddy's just teasing. Of course you could. You could keep it under a hundred. Yes, you could.
+No she couldn't.
+At-ten-tion! Ordinarily I would spend the next two hours questioning your sexuality, running down your hometowns, and telling you to drop and give me various numbers.
+Are you gonna ask us our major malfunctions? 'Cause mine is I care too much.
+Unfortunately, the demand for troops has never been higher, so we've gotta speed things up. While you've been standing here, your hair's been cut...and your clothes have been replaced with army fatigues.
+Here's your nicknames: Brooklyn, Hollywood, Kissimmee-St. Cloud Florida, Maverick, Blanket Hog, Newman's Own, Master of Suspense, England's Rose, Nickname Pending, Bram Stoker's Dracula, and Snowflake...
+Snowflake?! What happens to me in the summer?
+A troublemaker, huh? You're gonna sit here and eat donuts, while the rest of the unit does push-ups.
+I don't understand. How does punishing them teach me a lesson?
+Just for that, they'll do the push-ups one-handed. While you eat Alaskan King salmon and I give you a foot rub.
+I LIKE RUBBIN' PEOPLE'S FEET / CORNS AND BUNIONS ARE A TREAT / I CAN GIVE MASSAGE REAL WELL / IF YOU KNOW WHY / DON'T ASK DON'T TELL...
+Congratulations, you have all completed basic training. Our base commander will now give you your assignments.
+Okay, listen up!
+Man, you've got an awesome voice.
+Well, thank you.
+Can you say "Side effects may include drowsiness and loss of appetite?"
+Hm, sounded better in my head.
+Now, we've graded your aptitude tests, and assigned you specialities to match your skills.
+Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry.
+I joined to make recruitment films.
+Well, you know where you can get good footage don't ya?
+Ooh, tell me.
+Frontline infantry!
+Everyone got an assignment but us.
+I wonder what makes us so special.
+Gentlemen, I'll be frank. Never before has the army accepted recruits with test scores as low as yours.
+That's an odd way to start handing out medals.
+I'm not handing out medals. But I am gonna give you a special assignment. The Army is conducting war games and we want you to play the enemy.
+Are we that stupid?
+Um, this avocado just gave me a wedding ring.
+So they're not shipping you overseas?
+Nope. I'm gonna stay here and let them test their laser-guided super weapons on me -- like that one!
+Don't worry, Dad. You'll do great.
+Okay, these are war games and I'm head of my team. I have to think like a great military leader.
+Stay crunchy in milk!
+I will!
+Stay crunchy, men! Stay crunchy!
+This'll be like shootin' cats offa gramma's sofa.
+Oh my God, I just remembered. It's Chinese New Year!
+Gung hay fat choi! Gung hay fat choi!
+Americans!
+After them!
+Sir, you can't just invade an American city without authorization.
+I sure as Hell can! Congress slipped it into the National Broccoli Day Proclamation.
+I was wondering why you were carrying that thing around. I thought we were gonna have a day off or something.
+Think again! Now move out!
+Is this war?
+No sir. Just a simulation.
+This pain feels so real.
+Uh, it is real.
+Oh. Guess I'd better do my part.
+Bring it on, chumps!
+Fingers, fingers, fingers!
+Whatcha doin', Moe? Drawin' a wang on Marmaduke?
+Heck no -- I'm challengin' myself with one of these "Sudoku" games.
+What, that Japanese puzzle in which no numeral can be repeated in a row, column, or box?
+That's how it works? I was just drawin' wangs on the numbers.
+Moe, Moe, you gotta hide us from the Army!
+The Salvation Army? You got it.
+Not that Army, the one from "Stripes!"
+Thanks, Moe. How can I ever repay you?
+Hey, some things mean more to me than money...
+...like a whole lotta money!
+Why'd you just say that sentence fragment?
+Eh, long story.
+War game's over, losers!
+Hey! They's usin' live ammo!
+Well, what have we got?
+Rise my pretties! Find our enemies and capture their image in your filmy fortress!
+I think we ought to just go up there and surrender.
+Well, you'd better hurry. I don't think Dad can last much longer where he's hiding.
+I'm not gonna surrender. You've seen what the U.S. Army does to prisoners. How would you like to be stacked naked in a pile with a hillbilly girl pointing at you and laughing?
+That was our last Christmas card.
+Yeah, Marge always loves your cards. Well, you may not be the smartest guys in the Army...
+Homer Simpson! We've captured your unit! We're telling off-color jokes and laughing as a group. Come and join the fun bunch!
+I'd give anything to hear Homer's voice.
+"H" means "hot"?!
+Stupid Army, searching for me with that giant helicopter in the distance.
+It's not giant and it's not in the distance! It's small and it's in our room!
+Predator drone!
+This means war!
+I thought it was already war.
+I hate you.
+Attention, Springfield! We are rounding up and detaining all men who are fat or bald, or have ever been amused by the antics of Homer Simpson.
+Excuse me, I don't belong here -- I am not bald! I am balding! Why will no one honor the ding?
+I honor the ding, sir.
+What the hell are you talkin' about?!
+Sir, maybe we should just quit. This operation has cost over fifty million dollars since lunch.
+U.S. Government policy is very clear: Never back down. Never admit a mistake. That's why we've won over half the wars we've fought.
+Mom, we've got to stop them from pacifying our town!
+Don't worry. I have a secret weapon -- one more powerful than any gun.
+Lisa's face?
+A phone tree.
+Dorothy's daughter comes every Sunday and brings all kinds of wonderful soups.
+And Melvin's son brings a banjo. And he works our names into his songs!
+Hello, Helen? I'm calling about the recent destruction of our town. Well, I have a little plan to fix their wagon.
+Hello? / Hello? / Etc.
+Yes Nelson, of course I'll help... And a haw-haw to you!
+So that's the plan: we're meeting at the reservoir at eight p.m.
+I flushed a potato down the toilet. Now we have to live in a hotel.
+Terrific. Now call Lindsay Naegle.
+Marge, why did you have us bring our liquor to the reservoir?
+We're going to dump it in the water to get the army drunk.
+Wow. This'll be the first time I ever watered down my booze.
+Moe, why're your eyes dartin' back and forth so much?
+Oh, I-I'm just thinkin' about a-a great tennis match I saw once. Yeah.
+Now I'm thinkin' about ping-pong... a very fast chess game... a snappy David Mamet play...
+What the hell happened to us?
+I'll tell you what happened to us -- you used to be cool, and then you got promoted.
+I'm still cool.
+Oh really? When's the last time we took the tank and went down to Hansen's Point? Just the two of us?
+All right, all right, here's the plan: we're gonna take a little nap, and then we're gonna wake up, fresh as daisies...
+Colonel, we're here to discuss the terms of your surrender.
+Surrender? Never!
+Don't you dare go limp!
+Hmm... Let's see what your hangover has to say!
+Great Cheney's Ghost! You win.
+Colonel, I hope you've learned that an occupying foreign force can never defeat a determined local populace. Among the many things we learned in Vietnam is that a well-motivated...
+Horn please!
+Simpson, you may have won, but you still have to serve the remainder of your tour of duty.
+All right, but no combat.
+Don't you worry, ma'am. A man of your husband's ingenuity can be put to very good use.
+Dudes! Wanna make some extra spending money? Get a free pair of boots? Hey baby, you like obstacle courses?
+Thinking it over, huh? I'm cool with that.
+Hey, pal. Like the way you handle that mop. You like killing? Hey, ladies. Are you tired of waiting for sanctions to work? I know I am.
+Frontline infantry. Absolutely Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Coastguard! Where do they find these people? Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Lord. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Navy. Have a seat. Frontline infantry. Where'd you come-- Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry was made for you. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry. The lowest test score. Frontline infantry. You make me sick. Frontline infantry. Frontline infantry.
+Hmm... I must be supposed to remember something.
+C'mon, memory, wake up!
+Is it our anniversary? No, we don't have one this year. Hmmm...
+Don't forge? Don't forge what?
+Ohhh, don't forget. Don't forget what?!
+Hustle your bustles, gang! We're going to the Senior Olympics to root for Grampa!
+The Senior Olympics? That's what I was supposed to remember?!
+Too late. The deed is done.
+Kids, grab a fold.
+Oh hey Homer, I hope you didn't forget that today's our big day!
+I sure am looking forward to my birthday fishing trip... Well I'll see ya soon, this is Moe, big day... uh, waitin', feeling uh, kind of fragile... Moe, the birthday boy, listenin' for your car...
+I can finally win a gold medal. I came close at the 1936 Olympics...
+I threw a javelin that barely missed Hitler...
+But I did hit an assassin who was trying to kill Hitler.
+What is this? Kill Hitler day?
+The next time I saw Hitler we had dinner and laughed about it.
+What's with the lined composition book?
+My report on a "Fascinating Springfielder" is due Monday, and everybody I've tried to interview is so boring.
+You could interview me. I collect Absolut ads.
+How many others do you have?
+There are others?
+This guy sucks. He can barely make it to the top.
+Seventy-two lousy events, and Grampa hasn't won a single medal.
+Well, it's not fair when Moleman uses his replacement legs.
+It's cloudin' up -- I better put on me rain poncho.
+Sir! You dropped yer munchers!
+You'll never take me alive, Grim Reaper!
+Yay, Grampa!
+Take the boy! His soul is fresher!
+I've never been happier!
+Turn that hippie crap off!
+I wonder if the dog thought about us while we were gone.
+Oh, I was supposed to take Moe fishing today! Everybody hide!
+Finally, that jerk Homer is home!
+It's just his car.
+HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME / HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME / I FEEL SO DAMN LONELY / WON'T SOMEONE KILL ME AND MANY MORE...
+Homer, we can't scuttle like crabs for the rest of our lives.
+Says you.
+Dear Pus Bag...
+Whoa, Marge, who'd you piss off?
+It's for you, Puss Bag!
+Birthdays never meant squat to me. Then you offered to take me fishing, and like a stumblebum chump, I dared to hope. But you shattered my dreams like a Duff tallboy in a bar brawl. And you jammed the jagged neck right up my heart's butt.
+I guess I just wasn't meant to be happy or handsome or anything really.
+What a deep, tormented soul...
+You have a worldview both bleak and beautiful! I wanna write a report about you!
+Wow, for the first time in my life, someone's taking a genuine interest in what's inside of me. Suddenly, this is my best birthday ever!
+Still in the top three.
+Still in the top ten.
+How come you wanna do a report on me? I ain't no great man, like Bob Seger or Haystacks Calhoun.
+Because I suspect deep within you is an artist's soul.
+PEAR TREE!
+Thanks. So here's my digs.
+Moe, you live in a hotel? You're just like "Eloise"!
+Did someone say my name?
+This vibrating massage chair feels great!
+That ain't a massage chair -- it's just full of cockroaches.
+Moe, these fragments are fascinating. "I was in the Christmas pageant once. Mom showed up with a new boyfriend. He called me Steve."
+What you've got here is poetry!
+Oooh, Moe's a poet! He has a soul! Flutter your wings! It's teatime in Buttercup Junction!
+Moe's the Princess of Lollipop Land! He lunches on lavender and potpourri!
+Seriously Moe, I think you have a gift.
+Thanks, Homer. I love ya, man.
+Ooh, you love a man!
+You know, artfully arranged, these fragments could be an epic poem -- like T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland."
+What-which why-liot's the who-now?
+Whoa! My brain-goo's comin' out all artistical, thanks to you.
+How 'bout this for a title: "Howling at a Concrete Moon."
+That's a terrific title! It jumps out at you like a rat in your underwear drawer. We make a great team there, Liser.
+...my soul smells like a dead pigeon after three weeks. / I shut my window and go to sleep. / In my dream I eat corn with my eyes.
+Philistines.
+Lisa, I'm sorry you got a bad grade on your "Moe and tell."
+I don't care about my grade. I'm gonna send Moe's poem to "American Poetry Perspectives."
+Do not mention that publication in this house! They never published my poem!
+There once was a rapping tomato / That's right, I said rapping tomato / He rapped all day / From April to May / And also, guess what, it was me.
+Chief, we just got a submission from a brilliant poet no one's ever heard of!
+Genius! Pay him nothing. And run it on the cover!
+Stop the presses! Send my wife some flowers! And bring me an Advil! What do you mean you don't work for me?! You're hired! Now that you're hired, you're fired! Now that you don't work here anymore, we can be friends. Now that we're friends, how come you never call? Some friend you are! God, I love this business.
+Here it is.
+Bad news, Maya Angelou -- you've been bumped.
+Oh no you don't, you can't bump me!
+Moe, you're a published author!
+Wow, Just think -- earlier tonight, a newly-published poet cleaned up my barf.
+Moe's Tavern... Who? Where? To what? Screw you, snail trail!
+Who was that?
+Eh, some jerk makin' a prank call with a gag name: "Tom Wolfe."
+Tom Wolfe?! He wrote "The Right Stuff" and "Bonfire of the Vanities". And coined the phrase "radical chic!"
+Wait, wait, wait -- then that guy wasn't squeezin' my 'roids when he invited me to the Wordloaf Festival in Vermont?
+The Wordloaf Festival?! You'll meet all the great American writers, Moe! You have to go!
+Yeah? Well, okay, all right -- but only if you come, huh?
+I wouldn't-a had none of this without you, kid.
+Hello. Oh hey, Milhouse.
+I'm not here.
+Ah, a family trip with the family bartender -- what could be better?
+How's it goin', Homer?
+I'm gonna walk away then, okay.
+Lousy. I gotta go to Vermont for some stupid poetry thing.
+Homer, don't drink and drive!
+Fine. I'll drive between sips.
+They got an open bar at this thing, right?
+Wow. Troopers from every state in New England.
+Including Rhode Island! We're a small state, but we give big tickets.
+Hey guys, didja hear? "The Da Vinci Code" just sold one hundred million copies!
+It's Tom Wolfe! He uses more exclamation points than any other major American writer.
+It's true!!!!!!!!!!
+How ya doin' there. Moe Szyslak.
+Ah, magnificent Moe. He stands, stoop-shouldered, blinking in the light, hollow-chested like a dough-faced fall guy who's made a career of taking dives but has decided to get his manhood out of hock and take a shot at the title -- or at least go for the jaw and -- thwack!!! -- hyperextend the champ's pterygoideus before kissing the mat goodnight.
+You ever scrub your hands real fast, and think you're seein' a third one? One time I looked down and there really was. I gotta get a new lock for that bathroom.
+Moe, your debut poem is as refreshing as a second pair of socks on a wet hike. I must know how you came up with that brilliant title, "Howling at a Concrete Moon?"
+Uh, well actually, I had some help on the title...
+You needed help to write your title?
+Well, so have I, Gore Vidal. "1876" was the price I paid for gas once. I thought of "Burr" when I saw it written on an Eskimo Pie package.
+I can't believe it!
+Those sound like terrible jokes!
+Boy, it's hot.
+Sir, I must ask you to pick up your gift bag and leave this festival.
+I don't need your sycophantic laughter! I have some on tape.
+You still love me, Temple University Class of 1987.
+So Moe, you were telling us how you came up with your title.
+Yeah, well uh I-I, was just saying that um...I thought it up all by myself.
+Ah, like a real writer. Outstanding, Moe! To the hayride!
+But we were a team!
+I'd like to introduce our panel: Jonathan Franzen, Michael Chabon, and Moe.
+Whoa, clear water!
+Swank-ee! Woo-hoo!
+Now we'll open the floor to fawning praise and obvious questions.
+Uh yeah, first of all, I'd like to thank all of you for your brilliant work.
+Yeah, yes! My question is, who are your biggest influences?
+I'd have to say my good friend Jonathan Franzen. I thought his novel "The Corrections" needed none.
+Cha-bonnnnne!
+Well, in turn, I'd have to say my biggest influence is...
+...Albert Camus.
+You were supposed to say me! I blurbed you!
+Yeah, it looks real sweet on my dust jacket. How do you like me now?!
+Fran-zonnnnnne!
+Moe, who inspired you to become a writer... Jack Kerouac? Charles Bukowski? Me? Tom Wolfe?
+I dunno... the only book I ever read was "Super Hounds: The Ultimate Greyhound Betting System". So uh... any of you wetnaps write that?
+Mr. Szyslak -- there must be some person, possibly in this very room, who believed in you when no one else did.
+Oh, uh yeah I-I get what you're gettin' at. Um... nope.
+But how can you--
+Now now, he's answered your question. I declare this panel dismissed!
+But... I deserve... acknowledgement...
+I said dismissed!
+Lisa, grab your sightseeing shoes! We're going Vermonting!
+It's gonna be awesome!
+Man, couples in this state sure like to clink glasses.
+You guys go ahead. I don't think I'd be very good company...
+Hey, thanks for the heads-up! We'll see ya when we see ya!
+I love these covered bridges. It's like driving through cute little houses.
+That was my house, you moron!
+Oh I'm sorry. We should exchange insurance information. I have none.
+No food for you grad students till you grade three thousand papers!
+Hey, hey, there you are! I've been lookin' for ya...
+I need a brilliant new poem for the farewell dinner. So if you could turn these into one of those and then don't say nothin' while I take all the credit, I'd really appreciate it, though I'd never admit that. And look, I got you started. Eh? Eh?
+Moe, you're a heartless jerk!
+Huh? Whoa, where'd that come from? Oh, right, right, my actions.
+Well, let's see if I can put this poem together.
+Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Stupid geese! You're eatin' my brilliance!
+Look at me. It's supposed to be my big triumph and I'm standing in mud, fightin' with geese. Well, if I'm gonna fight, I might as well win.
+Yeah, go on, you cowards! Fly off in a "V"!
+Hey Lis, we learned so much scootin' around Vermont. Did you know that candles are made by losers?
+And we went to the "Vermont Teddy Bear" factory. Look what we got! Hm? Hm?
+Oh honey, don't cry. They're not made from real bears -- just their fur and noses!
+Moe marginalized my contributions...
+No one makes my daughter sob and run.
+He ruined her first Wordloaf!
+Look at me, sittin' here depressed when I'm surrounded by the happiest people in the world: writers.
+Before Moe reads his keynote poem, I would like to stake my claim to any unfinished garlic mashed potatoes. So please, if you would pass them clockwise up to table one, I'll collect them later.
+Now, I give you... Moe Szyslak.
+Uh, this here poem is called "Elevator Capacity." "Elevator capacity twenty-four hundred pounds. Inspection Certificate available in hotel manager's office..."
+You just pulled that off the wall of the elevator!
+Uh, well, here's another one you might like.
+"Channel sixty-one, Family Favorites. Channel sixty-two, Adult Desires. Channel sixty-three, In-Room Checkout... ch--"
+Hey you know what? I got a different poem for yaz.
+Ode to Lisa: Pointy-headed mini-muse. / More friend than I deserved. / You pulled me from the dirt / and made me the beautiful flower that I am.
+But some flowers can stab you in the back. / For which I should send you flowers. / Which I will, but they were closed. / You'll be gettin' them tomorrow.
+Oh, Moe.
+Lisa, if you could just forgive me, you would make me the happiest man in Vermont. Except for those two dudes I saw gettin' hitched. Not my thing, but I wish 'em well.
+Make my daughter cry, will ya! Eat syrup, jerk!
+Dad, no! I'm not mad at Moe anymore!
+Homer, would it make you feel better if any of that hit me?
+No, not now.
+Wow, you couldn't make this stuff up.
+Well, you couldn't.
+That's it, Franzen. I think your nose needs some corrections.
+You fight like Anne Rice!
+Well Moe, I guess we're friends again.
+That's great. Now what do you say we do some regional duck pin bowling?
+I'd like that. I'd like it a lot.
+Aw, that's sweet. I hate sweet. I need photos! Photos of Spider-Man!
+This is a poetry journal.
+Okay, then poems about Spider-Man! And I want them finished before you start! And before you finish, get me some coffee! And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme: A-B-B-A-A-B-B-A-C-D-E-C-D-E! What are you waitin' for? Chinese New Year?
+Hmmm... maple syrup. Sleigh on the label, very good.
+Rich maple color, good swirl...
+Oh, Jemima!
+Touched in the head, is he?
+Bart, what are you doing?
+I only eat the clown heads.
+That's so wasteful.
+I've always done it. Just like I only eat the eyes off a lobster.
+Oh, you should be ashamed! Your father works very hard to put lobsters on our table. Every night, he comes home exhausted, with his voice too hoarse to talk.
+I'm the king of goofing off!
+Ow! Unnecessary roughness!
+So what? That's legal in Rolo-Polo!
+I thought we were playing Cincinnati Time-Waste.
+Oh, in that case...
+What'd I do?
+Hey Marge, want a thousand dollars?
+When you pass the coffee machine you're supposed to yell "hot pot" and eat a sugar cube.
+He's right, Homer. That's a two-minute penalty!
+Penalty, penalty, penalty! Penalty, penalty, penalty ...
+On your feet, you sniggering Oran-gu-tan!
+My fat friend, you are hanging by a very thin thread...
+If you want to keep your job, then you better start... BA-BA, BA-BA, BA-BA-BA-BA-BA...
+You're thinking about that ice cream truck, aren't you? Well, you can just forget about...
+Come and lick me, Big Boy! I said lick me!
+You're not ice cream... faker!
+Ice cream man! Wait!
+You're fired!
+As for the rest of you, you're supposed to be a chair-hockey team! All I see is five show-boaters!
+Now sit down and give me fifty twirls!
+That's more like it.
+Ice cream man! Ice cream man!
+Homer, there you are! What does my best customer want today?
+One butter-crusted choco-rocket, please.
+I wish I had more customers like you. I'm barely scraping by.
+Yeah, this economy is tough on everyone. Change a hundred?
+Sure. That's one-fifty, one-seventy-five, two dollars...
+...ninety-nine-fifty... ninety-nine-seventy-five...
+Nooooo!
+You must be Homer.
+Max told you about me?
+This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.
+Oh, yes! Max loved to talk about his work. How he bored me.
+And now I'm left with nothing but my lover and this worthless truck.
+Wait a minute. You don't want the truck, I need a job, you need money, I'm flush with severance pay...
+You'll buy Max's truck?
+Why, doesn't he need it? Oh, right.
+Remember that crappy ice cream truck I bought?
+How can we forget? Mom says now we can't afford to go to the orthodontist.
+Well, sink your crooked rotting teeth into this!
+Otto, you totally pimped Dad's ride!
+He was following my design.
+And now to get dressed in a most unusual way:
+Butter-brickle!
+Welcome back! Today we're celebrating women who didn't waste their lives being mommies. Professor Stein, tell us about your book, "Life Beyond Wife."
+Well Opal, it's about women who want to breastfeed their own dreams and change the poopy diapers of fulfillment.
+I call it "leaving your lega-she."
+Does this book have any examples?
+Yes, eight!
+Take Gail Tucker. She wrote hip-hop lyrics to the beat of her washing machine with an off-center load. Last year, she won all the Grammys.
+Or how about Becky Tyson, who invented the pink VCR. Now her husband asks her for money - or as I call it, mon-she.
+You go, girl!
+All those women are so impressive.
+I've been doing the same thing for the last ten years. And all I have to show for it is a clean floor.
+My lega-she!
+I feel like Icarus, flying too close to Apollo's golden orb! Punch away, Nelson.
+It's too hot. I'll get ya later.
+I'll pencil you in for next week.
+Eh, what the hell.
+You kids like ice cream?
+Product contains neither ice nor cream. May contain trace elements of Mexican cheese. Do not consume.
+Yay! Ice cream! /
+I'm a unitard!
+What's the matter, son? Don't you have enough money for ice cream?
+I do, but I'm lactose-intolerant.
+Son, I will not stand for intolerance!
+You give this delightful frozen treat the same respect you would give any lactose-free food. God bless America!
+But my doctor says that I...
+I said, God bless America!
+Call the number on my bracelet.
+Ooh! Thomeone wearth a brathelet. Who'th your boyfriend? Dr. Osterberg?!
+Whoa Marge, for the first time in my life, I'm excited about going to work!
+I'm glad someone in this house feels their life has meaning.
+You're glad? You don't look glad. Are you sure you know what glad means?
+I just wish I could do something to be remembered by... something that says "Marge was here!" after I'm gone.
+Love you!
+The story of my life. They get the popsicles, I get the sticks.
+Look, Maggie, I made another you! Out of sticky orange wood!
+Marge, I... Folk art!? That's my favorite kind of folk medium!
+I made it myself.
+Noooo! I mean, yes!
+Marge, you're a genius. You should make sculptures of other people! Like Lenny, or Carl, or the new James Bond. Will America accept a British James Bond? I can't wait to find out!
+This is Kent Brockman. A high-speed pursuit is taking place on the streets of Springfield!
+We responded immediately after seeing it on Channels two, four, five, seven and sixty-three.
+The driver is getting out of his car... he's running to a helipad... he's taking off in a copter... what, here he is next to us!
+Kent, there seems to be a traffic tie-up at the one-oh-one four-oh-five interchange. I recommend taking surface streets. Jailbird away!
+Well, there you have it, people-- Sweet Morley Safer -- do I see a telegenic housewife making art out of popsicle sticks? Set this baby down -- I smell soft news!
+Ma'am, I'd like to feature you on my award-submitted segment, Kent Brockman's "Kent-resting People"!
+Really? You think people would be Kent-rested in me?
+I'm here with local sculptress Marge Simpson who works in, of all media, popsicle stick! Our viewers want to know two things: why, and how come?
+Why did cavemen paint on walls? Why do you scratch your name on Tupperware? So when you die, something's left behind that says, "I was here. I mattered. That's my Tupperware."
+Human feelings, expressed by a human!
+And here's a local nobody enjoying his likeness. Let's take a sneaky-peeky.
+My God, it's beauty-ful! I-I-I finally see the goodness in myself. C'mere, you.
+I'm so glad you like it, Moe.
+That's right, tell me all your little wooden dreams. You're not alone any more. No you ain't.
+Aw, you're shivering, are you cold? Where you goin', Marge?
+Honey, I brought you more sticks.
+Homie, this sculpting has made me feel so fulfilled. I'm as hopeful and full of life as I was in the years before I met you.
+It's good to see you smile again. I was lonely being happy all by myself.
+Well no one's gonna be lonely tonight.
+Let me just put on some romantic music.
+Hey, we got the whole night, baby -- let's slow things down.
+Marge, you are one fantastic artist -- and no one knows art like a Texan with too much money!
+You're from Texas?
+That's right. And I wanna finance a fancy-shmancy art show, starring your wooden wonders. Yee hah!
+My own art show?! I'm so happy... do you mind?
+Yee-hah!
+I'm excited you're excited!
+Yee-hah! Yee-hah!
+Shoot on the "yee," not the "hah"!
+Hey lady, you gotta pay to use my likeness. It's a registered trademark!
+Hey, I do more than TV. I had a one-man show on Broadway. That's who showed up -- one man! Long story short, I won a Drama Desk Award.
+Marge, everything looks wonderful!
+Well, I'm off to pedal my frosty wares!
+You can't go to work! I need you here for emotional support -- plus you make a small crowd look huge!
+Sweetie, I can't abandon my route even for one day. If those kids discover the link between eating right and feeling good, I am screwed. But I'll be back in time for your show.
+The show starts at three. You promise you'll be here?
+I would never let you down. Our marriage is like soft-serve ice cream. And trust is the hard chocolate shell that keeps it from melting onto our carpet. In cone-clusion, here's the scoop: I love you.
+What the hell do you kids want? Oh right, ice cream.
+Oh my God! It's the opportunity of a lifetime!
+Attention, losers: this is your chance to buy your kids some frozen love.
+I'm not gonna fall for such a cheap stunt.
+Mom would.
+Hey, give me one of everything! Hey!
+Sorry, I'm all out of ice cream.
+Already? It's only thirty-eight seconds to three.
+Marge's show!
+Must jettison excess weight!
+Oh my God, I've only got nine seconds till Marge's show!
+Eight... seven...
+Homer, where are you?
+I'll never make it! Unless...
+Woo hoo! I'm gonna be on time!
+No, no, no -- save your energy. Eh, eh -- don't try to talk.
+I don't know where Carl ends and I begin.
+See, statements like that are why people think we're gay.
+I made it back for your show, honey...
+Well, Homer, you destroyed my artwork and my dreams. Good job. Very thorough.
+Marge, let me explain: I had a chance to make a little more money by exploiting broken families...
+Oh, stop. Just stop. You don't care about anyone else's happiness but your own!
+Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!
+Marge? Marge?
+Honey, you've been in there all day. You gotta eat something. Why don't you come downstairs and cook dinner? Lasagna would be awesome. Marge?
+Marge, I wrote you a check for three hundred dollars to pay for all the sculptures I broke. Okay?
+Oh, I see. You'd prefer a wire transfer. What's your routing number?
+That's okay, I can get it from the bank, honey. I just need to know your birthday.
+Marge? I have an apology that I hope is better than all the other ones. So please listen carefully. The thing I liked best about being an ice cream man wasn't the free ice cream, or the colorful toppings, or the love I received from obese children. It was giving you those sticks, and watching you smile as you turned them into art.
+If it would win you back, I would gradually eat all the parts of a motorcycle. I hope it doesn't come to that. Could you please just give me a sign that you still love me a little?
+If you won't talk to me, I'll send in Polaroids to show you how sad I am that I let you down.
+I'm laughing in the last one, but it's only 'cause the cat fell down the stairs.
+She's been gone for a while.
+Grampa's been watching us.
+You kids have been real good tonight.
+Mom! Mom!
+Marge, where are you? Did you change your name? Is it Kelly? Kelly!!!
+Comic Book Guy! Have you seen our Mom?
+A complete list of things I have seen or not seen is available on my blog. Your mother is on the "not seen" list, along with a Star Wars film that was any good since the first one. And even that has been ruined by CGI additions! Bravo, George.
+There's Mom!
+Oh my God. She's gonna jump. Marge, don't do it! Give divorce a chance!
+Homer, I wanna show the world how I feel about you.
+The world's not that interested!
+They will be! Ready, bullies?
+Homer, you wanted a sign that I still love you, so here it is.
+Wow! You made me a sculpture of Magilla Gorilla.
+No, Homer. It's you. My sweet, perfectly imperfect you.
+Okay boys, on my command, fire.
+But nobody's done anything wrong.
+Geez, if everyone was like you, our morgues would be empty.
+Homie, I realized that my most enduring creation is the life I've sculpted with you.
+Now I know that my lega-she is really a lega-we.
+I just have one question, my darling: what did you do with all the ice cream that was on all those sticks?
+It's in that dumpster.
+Not that one.
+This statue, subject unknown, is the last remaining example of art before the collapse of the western world.
+If only we'd known that iPods would unite and overthrow the very humans they entertained.
+What do you want from us?
+Nothing! We just like whipping!
+Mom! Bart's drinking coffee!
+It's not coffee, it's hot Pepsi!
+You're the worst husband in the world!
+Yeah? Well I wish I'd married Patty and Selma!
+I wish I'd married Lenny and his friend!
+Man, Mom and Dad are really going at it.
+I hope everything's okay.
+Don't you spit sunflower seeds at me!
+You used to love it!
+Recording that fake fight was a great idea.
+Now the kids won't bother us during our morning snuggle.
+Dear Lord, thank you for the physical intimacy we are about to enjoy.
+And, as always, have fun watching.
+GOOOO... LOVEMAKING!
+And I hate the cutesy way you make Jack-o-lanterns! I like scary Halloween, not funny Halloween!
+I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME...
+IT FELT GOOD TO BE OUT OF THE RAIN...
+County Fair music?
+Milhouse, steady my duds!
+Trust me, Bart. It's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of 'em.
+Hey dinks, gimme your lunch money.
+But what will I eat at mid-day?
+I can't solve all your problems -- just hand over the money.
+Thanks, wads. And I hope to see you both Saturday!
+Come to my party or die! Come to my party or die!
+I hate Nelson's parties -- he makes you look at his baseball cards and tell him they're good. They're not good!
+I don't like him.
+And I'll bet Nelson won't even have gift bags!
+Unthinkable! / Is that legal?
+Wait. What if... NOBODY goes? He can't kill all of us.
+He's right. Individually, we are weak like a single twig... But as a bundle, we form a mighty faggot.
+Well said! If we all stand together, Nelson's helpless. Hell no, we won't show! Hell no, we won't show!
+Hell no, we won't show!
+Hell no! I won't mow!
+Willie, you're fired with complete loss of pension.
+Dammit!
+You actually convinced people not to go to Nelson's party?
+Yup, he'll be all alone on his birthday! Oh, I wish I could see it. Boo hoo! I'm Nelson. No one likes me.
+Uh, where are all the kids?
+Bartholomew J. Simpson, how can you be so mean?
+What are you gonna do about it?
+I'll whack you with the whole salad set if you don't start thinking about others! You are going to that party.
+Mom, I can't go -- no one else is!
+Well, if no one else jumped off the Empire State Building, would you not jump?
+Kind of?
+Ah c'mon Bart, the party will be fun. Nelson's not bad -- all he needs is a little kindness.
+Lisa, you're never gonna get a husband by being sarcastic.
+All right, no husband.
+You're getting a husband! And you are going to that party!
+Dad, don't make me go! I'll give you a back rub!
+Oh, your elbow's like an angel's kiss. But you still have to go.
+Son, we all have to do things we don't want to. Like have jobs and families and responsibilities, and having to be Mr. Funny all the time -- You think I wouldn't rather be living nude in the forest? Like some ancient pagan! Just dancing around playing the pan flute! And here we are!
+Okay, just walk in, say happy birthday, and get out.
+This party doesn't suck. Pizza, that's a nice touch.
+Uh-oh, do I hear a dial tone? 'Cause this party is off the hook! What up, B?
+Um, happy birthday, Nelson.
+Uh... I know it seems a little quiet... must be a lot a traffic today. Is highway eighty-eight backed up?
+Oh yeah. It's a parking lot out there.
+Of course! That explains everything. Stupid highway eighty-eight!
+Hey, kids! My Spidey sense is tingling! Tingling because it's a certain someone's birthday!
+Too late.
+They're coming! They are! I love you, Spidey!
+Uh, listen, I only got ten minutes of material. Um, maybe I should come back a little later?
+Don't go! My party peeps are en route! I swear!
+Nelson... nobody's coming.
+But... how could nobody come? I ordered them to.
+Well, that's the thing. Sometimes, you can be kind of a jerk.
+True... but I thought I had some friends.
+Maybe you can have fun with just me.
+Okay, why not?
+Stop having fun, kids! I'm Dr. Octopus, from Marvel Comics' "Spider-Man." I'm inventing a ray that turns birthday presents into homework!
+C'mon, Bart! Let's knock him down!
+Wait... I have an idea.
+Look at our kids! Playin' like champs!
+Yeah. How'd you afford this kick-ass party?
+Carnival ride hit me on the head.
+So, how was Nelson's party?
+Not bad. We had pizza, cake, and then sang songs with Nelson's Gramma. But, it was a one-time thing, and now I'll never see him again.
+Hey... it's my birthday bud!
+Yeah, yeah, it was uh, super fun. Good times. Hey, Ralph! Have I got a half a sandwich for you.
+Bart, where you goin'? I saved you a seat, best friend.
+Haw haw!
+Hey, best friend, I got you a present. An entire case of pool cue chalk! Huh? Huh? We can make the tip of anything blue!
+Um, Nelson, I was just thinking about us being "best friends."
+Whoa! Me too! We are so connected!
+Look, um, I don't have time for new friends. I got a lot on my plate. I've got a big report due on the Nile river: topic sentence, bibliography, page numbers... it's nuts.
+Dude, you made me get water on my cheek!
+Bart is my best friend now. Which means no one picks on him ever again.
+Okay, okay! I forgot how cool Bart was.
+Yeah, he's awesome! / Good guy, good guy!
+Isn't he? I've known him for years, but I ran into him at a party and we really clicked.
+That's right, we're best friends now. So why don't you go pick on someone smaller and weaker?
+Good idea!
+Let's go over to the Sunshine pre-school and wail on toddlers.
+Yeah, we'll jump 'em while they're napping.
+Homie...
+When you're done putting Lisa to bed we can, uh, finish what we started the other day.
+Woo hoo! Marital sex!
+Okay, tucked in tight, glass of water, nightlight on, no barn owls, don't do drugs, love you, good night.
+Dad, can't you read me a story for a little bit?
+But your mother smells like coconut!
+Okay sweetie, which book should I read?
+"Angelica Button and the Dragon King's Trundle Bed". It's the ninth book in the "Angelica Button" series.
+Oh yeah, this is that fantasy book that even grownups like. Broken, lonely grownups.
+"Chapter One: The RubyStone in the Door-Portal". Are you asleep yet?
+Angelica trembled as she looked up at the stern but wise whiskers of Headmaster Greystash...
+Angelica Button, you are a mere Earthkin. What business have you with the Merlinical Council?
+Homer? Homer!
+I bring warning! The Minister of Niceness -- Lord Evilton -- is not what he appears!
+Preposteroussss!
+Foolish Earthkin!
+Send her to the sorrow mines of Mount Purgatorium!
+Lisa, wake up! They're taking Angelica to Mount Purgatorium.
+Oh Dad, I'm tired. We'll read more tomorrow.
+Tomorrow? But she's in trouble now! I'll just read ahead without you.
+No! We have to read it together.
+Oh, of course. Whatever you say, sweetie. Nighty-night.
+I like to come up here and make fun of the sunset.
+Hey, gas ball -- you suck!
+Nelson, do you ever wish you weren't a bully?
+Hmm, sometimes. But it's not up to me -- it's who I am. I mean, a shark can't stop swimming or it'll blow up.
+Man... I never knew you were so deep.
+Here, this is for you.
+A Nelson vest!
+The sleeves were torn off by wild dogs.
+From then on, my life changed.
+All of a sudden, I was a somebody in a school full of nobodies. I could go anywhere, do anything. For us, to live any other way was nuts.
+So, Scotty, how do you like school?
+Closed!
+Life was perfect.
+Lisa, I'm home! Time for me to read to you!
+Lisa's sleeping over at Janey's. Apparently, her mom makes good mac and cheese.
+You must read ahead. Fiction is your passion!
+Lady, you're nice, but I'm married.
+Just read the book, you shaved ape.
+Ow! I can't read ahead -- I promised Lisa I wouldn't!
+Just take a peek at the title of the next chapter and see if you can resist.
+"An Unexpected Occurrence?!" What could it be?!
+We hooked him, Galahad.
+Yes, quite.
+Angelica was trapped in the Suffoclock of Sandy Doom...
+...As Headmaster Greystash fought a battle to the finish with dark wizard Maluicious Krubb.
+Time to choose, Greystash. If you save Angelica... you die!
+Goodbye... Angelica...
+Greystash.
+He killed Greystash!
+Thanks for the spoiler there, big mouth.
+Hey, Bart.
+Milhouse.
+Bart, why are you hanging around with Nelson so much? He's a bully.
+Hey, don't use the "b" word around me. It's offensive.
+Yo, bully!
+What up, my bully.
+How come they can say it?
+They just can, okay.
+It's weird to see you as somebody's sidekick.
+Whoa, Bart Simpson is nobody's sidekick.
+Then why are you wearing that vest?
+'Cause my chest is cold and my arms aren't.
+I see. Then I suppose you can just fly kites with whoever you want -- right here in front of everyone.
+Come on, Bart. Throw the dork a bone.
+All right, I will.
+Blue and red -- the colors of friendship.
+You're late. I was waitin' to smash this frog with you and it peed in my hand.
+Sorry, I was uh... stealing loose grapes at the grocery store.
+Really? You call this "stealing loose grapes?"
+We were just having fun. Don't get upset.
+Oh, right. Stupid Nelson always gets upset. He'll probably do something stupid -- like smash his own camera!
+Aw, look what you made me do!
+Nelson, get in here! The cat's eyes are runny and I need you to dab 'em!
+Coming, Ma! See you later, lying traitor.
+Something in your eye, Mr. Mooch? Well, there's something in my eye too.
+Ma, what happened to the curtains?
+I made 'em into a dress for kar-oke singing.
+Hey Bart, do you want some ice cream? I just hit a major marshmallow vein - Ooo, I think it goes all the way to the bottom!
+No thanks.
+What's wrong?
+Me and Nelson were best friends, and now I think he's gonna kill me!
+Bully problems, eh? You know, they say all bullies are cowards. It's not true, they're brave 'cause they're strong.
+Bart, we need to talk.
+I feel so bad about freaking out on you. It'll never happen again, I swear.
+Um, okay.
+Best friends... forever?
+No! I can't do it! You're a nut bar! A whack-job! A kooka-dooka!
+Please, just leave me alone!
+Best not to get involved.
+Agreed.
+Looks like you've made your choice. Make sure your affairs are in order.
+I've set up a trust. It bypasses the inheritance tax.
+Only till two thousand eight! Look into it!
+Oh, Greystash. Greystash! Oh, hello, Lisa.
+C'mon Dad, read the last chapter! Everyone says there's a big surprise -- I bet Angelica discovers that she's a wizard!
+Uh... how would you feel if something bad happened to Greystash?
+It would be the day my childhood ended.
+Come on, read, read!
+Angelica was trapped in the Suffoclock of Sandy Doom...
+Time to choose, Greystash. If you save Angelica... you die!
+Why are you stopping? We're almost at the happy ending!
+Greystash looked Krubb right in the eye and said...
+Mustache power: activate!
+Oh man, I can't believe you beat me but you did.
+I somehow escaped from the hourglass!
+And now, to go on living!
+The end.
+Is that really how it ends? What happened to the Merlinical Council?
+Uh, they went to Star Wars Land and fought star wars.
+Dad, you can read to me anytime.
+Now Lisa won't know about death till it strikes someone close to her.
+Dad's ending is better.
+Okay, field-trippers, welcome to the Springfield Tide Pools -- nature's most fecund eco-system!
+Who will spot the playful abalone? The mighty winkle? I think it might be you, Sherri!
+Now remember, these pools can be dangerous, so everyone pick a buddy.
+Bart's my buddy!
+Good boy, Nelson. Squeeze him extra tight for safety!
+We sure are far from the rest of 'em. Funny how that happened, huh?
+Come with me.
+Nelson, please don't kill me! Remember when we made fun of Cinco de Mayo? I called it "Stinko de Mayo". We laughed so hard...
+Bart...
+You are a bad friend.
+Say again?
+You never liked me for me. You liked that I protected you and gave you a vest and stole milk boxes for you. I hate milk! It comes from cow wangs!
+There you go again -- you act all nice and then you go crazy.
+Well, maybe I get jealous. But it's just because... I never had a best friend before.
+Um, Nelson? Was the water always up to our necks? Nelson?!
+Help! Help!
+Put this on!
+Where'd you get it?
+Dude gave it to me.
+Aaagh! Man lips!
+Skinner loves Bart! Skinner loves Bart!
+Shut up! I'm just giving him CPR -- the kiss of life! And if anyone loves Bart it's Nelson.
+Where is Nelson?
+I'm sorry. Nelson never woke up.
+Never woke up because he never passed out. He's right over there.
+Hey, thanks for saving me, man.
+Of course I saved you -- you're my field trip buddy. And nothing else.
+You mean...
+Exactly. You're barf to me now.
+Nelson, I'll never forget that week we were best friends.
+Haw haw, I touched your heart!
+Greystash! Greystash!
+Gee, you're really upset about this Greystash thing.
+Don't say his name! In your mouth it sounds like dirt!
+Homer, it's just a book.
+No man should outlive his fictional wizard! No man!
+LAUGH IT UP WITH CHRIST AND KRUSTY / HA HA HA HA HA, HA HA HA HA / WE GOT HIRED 'CAUSE WE ARE BUSTY / HA HA HA HA HA, HA HA HA HA
+Hey! Hey!
+Real nice -- laughing at an old man's pain.
+We got a great show tonight, with all your favorite second-tier costume characters. Like Ribwich Rib-it!
+Matrix Poochie!
+And right off the plane from his dad's funeral -- Sideshow Mel!
+And now for the highlight of our show, a special appearance by Elvis...
+...Stojko!
+Olympic Medalist Elvis Stojko performs a graceful triple axel!
+Elvis Stojko is so handsome!
+He can lace up my skates any time.
+Don't you hags know that all male figure skaters are "twinkly in the lutz"?
+That's a common misconception! I have a girlfriend in Vancouver!
+Made-up girlfriend, made-up city!
+Just think, Lisa, if I had paid for those skating lessons, that could've been you!
+Say Mel, those figure skaters sure are having a swell time out there.
+Indeed! Why don't we join them?
+Wow, Krusty and Mel sure can skate!
+Nothin' slows down the baby boomers!
+What can I do for you, young lady?
+Oh, don't look so shocked! You knew the deal!
+Children, we need your help!
+The Grumple has stolen all of our Holiday Cheer!
+That can't be good.
+Grumply, grumply groo, I'll throw my net over you!
+Look out! It's the Grumple!
+Whoa, watch where you're going, pally. We've got a basketball game in an hour.
+But we're trying to get to Mistletoe Mountain!
+Tell it to the Utah Jazz, snowflake.
+Elvis! Grumple! Candy Kevin! Let's teach these guys the real meaning of Christmas!
+Come on, Homer, let's get the kids out of here. Homer?
+Give back that Holiday Cheer, you bastard!
+This sweater is gorgeous! I'll take one in "wife" size and three in "mistress" size.
+Now Smithers, I need your advice picking out a gift for a very dear friend of mine. A single fellow, a bit quiet, but one with a warm loyal heart.
+Well sir, a fellow like that might have had his eye on this silver frame. It would go great with his collection of art deco--
+Shut up, shut up, there he is!
+Hello, Phillip! What are you doing here?
+Never you mind, Mr. Nosey.
+Are you going to that string quartet thing? 'Cause I'm not.
+Are you still here? Go pay for that!
+Well, what can Ol' Santa bring you for Christmas, son?
+I want a dirt bike, one of those video game chairs that vibrate...
+Dad, he's not the real Santa. We can't afford that stuff.
+Shut up, shut up, shut up!
+I better go after him.
+What I want can't be bought at any store.
+What is it, sweetie? Peace on earth?
+What? No! I mean, that's a given. But also, the Malibu Stacy Pony Beach Party Set with Sparkle Sand. It's sold out everywhere.
+Y'know, Santa thinks he saw an extra Beach Party Set sittin' back in the stockroom there.
+Really?
+You just wait here. Let me go check, Sugarplum.
+Thank you, thank you, thank you!
+You really made my daughter's Christmas.
+Well, her smile made mine.
+Gil! March your fake boot fronts over here!
+Mr. Costington!
+Sir, I'm glad I have this chance to talk to you. I've been on the payroll here since May, and I'd really like to start working in Ladies Shoes -- not literally of course, I couldn't walk very fast, though I'd learn if that's what it takes...
+Never mind that now! Did you sell the Malibu Stacy Set I put aside?
+That was for you?
+It was for my daughter! You nitwit!
+I want my dolly! You nitwit!
+Now get back that toy!
+Gee, I'm sorry, sir. Taking back that doll would break a little girl's heart on Christmas Eve. And I made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I would never do that.
+Well then...
+You're... fiiiiired!
+But I...
+Oh, you poor man. Fired on Christmas Eve!
+Why don't you have dinner with us tonight?
+Please, Santa?
+Well, let me check the bus schedule here. Make a transfer there. Well, I can be there by two a.m...
+We'll give you a ride.
+That's swell. Could you swing by my ex-wife's place? I want her to see me riding in a car.
+AND A PARTRIDGE IN A...
+Well, I guess Ol' Gil should skedaddle...
+You can't go home tonight! It's cold, it's late...
+Yeah! Maybe I should spend the night here, too.
+You're getting a cab, old man. In fact, I believe I see it now.
+But I haven't given you a present.
+Your present is leaving.
+Oh, I don't see a cab.
+Well, since I'm stayin', how 'bout another song? JAZZIN' AROUND / THE CHRISTMAS TREE / IT'S A SKIT SKAT HOLIDAY...
+It's Christmas! It's Christmas! It's Christmas!
+I didn't think it would ever come, but it did!
+What is all this?
+Well, I figured since you invited me to stay, I might as well go down to the bus locker and get my stuff.
+Marge, we have a problem here.
+You have a bigger problem out there.
+Grumply, grumply groo, your blood will make my stew!
+Do you think that's the same Grumple from the ice show? Because I do.
+Hey, who wants some eggs à la Harold Stassen? Huh?
+They're always running!
+Do you really understand what that means?
+Why did you let that loser into our home?
+I'll tell you why: Christian charity.
+Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this? He's gotta go!
+I promise you, he'll leave after today.
+Really? Who's gonna make him?
+I will.
+He sure has a lot of markers that don't work.
+Well, I got something...a spider bite. Or as I like to call it, a "Christmas kiss."
+Don't worry, I make six of those a year.
+Listen, uh, Gil... I sort of thought... ya know, you'd be on your way by now.
+Really? You're gonna put me out on Christmas day, huh? Well, that's all right -- I can go down to the men's shelter. I just hope that weird priest with the runny eye ain't servin' soup... 'cause they...
+Wait, you don't have a place to live?
+Lower the boom!
+I guess you don't have to leave till the holiday's over...
+Has the boom been lowered?
+Appearing in their first Rose Parade, the marching band from Altoona, Pennsylvania playing "Rachel's Theme" from "Batman Begins."
+Heya, Marge, Happy New Year. Ya make any resolutions?
+Yes. One. Involving you.
+What a coincidence, I made one too! I'm gonna move my fanny off this sofa...
+...And move it over to that recliner by the phone. 'Cause I'm expecting a call any minute now from my old boss at Jackpot Realty, asking me to take over the Scottsdale office.
+Really?
+Oh yeah. That desert air's gonna give the ol' one-two to my bronchitis! Oh boy.
+I guess you can stay a little longer.
+Oh, thank you, Marge!
+Y'know those floats should really slow down and savor it. 'Cause your life can go to hell pretty quick.
+We're not keeping that moocher in this house another minute!
+He's still in need, we have to let him stay. It's what Dr. King would want us to do.
+Oh, that's it -- we're changing doctors.
+Please, just a few more days.
+Marge, admit it -- you just can't say "no" to anyone. That's why you have three kids.
+It's true -- I do have trouble saying "no." It all started when I was seven...
+Yes we are.
+Marjorie! We need to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.
+Mom? Gramma? Aunt Larina? Anybody?
+And that's why I have trouble saying "no" to people -- even Gil!
+Marge, I have no idea what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did?
+Uh... hm...
+What'sa matter, Homer? Do you still miss the UPN?
+Yeah, but there's something else. There's this loser staying in our house. Marge says she's gonna kick him out, but then she never does.
+Well, you can't kick him out, 'cause then Marge will never learn to assert herself.
+Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Marge to show some backbone and-- You again?!
+What the hell is this thing?
+Homie, wake up! I rented that negligee you like.
+Those legs go on forever. Oh wait, they stop right there.
+Homer, don't forget it's Valentine's Day! Whatcha gettin' the Mrs.?
+A heart-shaped box of chocolates.
+Gil, listen. We've been very patient, but I want you to...
+Is that for me? Is it the Scottsdale job?
+It's your foot doctor, Gil! Yes... yes... oh dear... I can't tell him that.
+Aw geez... boy, I was...
+Well, I'm still a winner. As long as I've got a cup-a coffee and a tomorrow on the calendar, Ol' Gil's comin' back. Say Homer, how 'bout closin' up that robe? I'm seeing the whole butcher shop.
+For your information, since I bought it I put on a ton of weight.
+MCCARTHY PUMPS THE OLD BASSOON WHILE I THE PIPES DO PLAY / AND HENESSEE TENNESSEE TOOTLES THE FLUTE AND THE MUSIC IS SOMETHIN' GRAND...
+A CREDIT TO OLD IRELAND/ IS MACNAMARA'S BAND.
+Their drunken singing is ruining St. Patrick's day!
+Well, just let 'em finish this one song...
+THERE'S O'BRIANS, O'RYANS, O'SHEEHANS AND MEEHANS, THEY COME FROM IRELAND...
+Oh, man. Now he's even mooching our lunches.
+All he left me with are these used nicotine patches.
+Give me your lunch, dingus.
+Mini quesadillas -- zesty!
+I'm so sick of Gil... he ruins Thanksgiving... uses my leg razor to peel his carrots...
+Marge, I hate to interrupt the ol' solilo-diddly-iloquy, but I just want to thank you for your early Christmas card.
+Christmas card? I haven't even taken the photo yet!
+Isn't this your posse on this glossy?
+That Photoshopping freak!
+Oh I don't mean to cause Gil ill will, but still...
+Don't you defend him! I want that mooch out of my house right now!
+Marge, I've never seen you like this before.
+That's right! I just found my gumption, and I like it!
+Marge Simpson is gonna say NO!
+Gil's gone.
+Back to Scottsdale.
+Problem solved.
+End of story.
+Can we have pancakes for dinner?
+Gil's gone? But I have a "no" inside me that has to come out.
+Even though Gil left, I still have to kick him out. I need this, or I'll never be able to say "no."
+Mom, I understand your psychological need, but I'm not sure what you can do.
+I'll tell you what. We're going to Scottsdale!
+Scottsdale? Will we stay at a Tripletree Resort?
+Then forget it!
+I'll ask these active seniors if they know Gil.
+I'll have you know I'm thirty-two.
+There he is!
+Gunderson!
+Whoa, Gil's a big shot!
+And to think, he and I once shared a shower.
+I don't care how successful Gil is, he's still a mooch, and I need to tell him off!
+A hundred and seventeen degrees! Ooo, that reminds me.
+There's water under the seat!
+Now remember, Marge, we're not buying anything for more than one-point-two. But if I scratch my nose, that means we can go to one-point-five.
+People, remember, you're selling dreams! When a family owns a home, it means they own a piece of America.
+And what matters most isn't the commission you make, it's the smiles on their faces when they know they own that land free and clear.
+He's the best I've ever seen.
+He's talking at a Century Twenty-Two level.
+Gil, remember me?
+Marge Simpson? What are you doing here? Lookin' for a home on a quiet cul-de-sac, where your neighbor could be Tanya Tucker?
+Listen, Bub. I have something to say to you, and it can't wait.
+Oh, thank you!
+Oh well, it looks like we got a Back-out Betty on our hands. But watch Ol' Gil take her from furious to curious.
+Now ma'am. You say you can't wait, and you're right. With interest rates climbing and choice properties in the Kingsbridge School District drying up...
+The only house I'm interested in is my own, which you defiled for eleven hellish months. But now I've learned to say "no!" No to your mooching! No to your manipulation! And a big fat no to the Kingsbridge School District!
+Aw come on, ya can't say no to Ol' Gil.
+Why, he's as pathetic as we are.
+Gunderson! I put you in charge of this office because I thought you could tame this town!
+You're fired!
+Here's a box for your stuff.
+I can't live in this!
+MAY THE CALENDAR KEEP BRINGING...
+HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO...
+BABA-BOP-DE-BA-YOU!
+Grumply, grumply groo, we're here to share Christmas with you!
+Awww...
+HAVE A GRUMPLY GRUMPLY CHRISTMAS / FREE OF GRUMPLY GROO.
+OH BY GRUMPLE HAVE A GRUMPLY GRUMPLY CHRISTMAS, WON'T YOU?
+This is so exciting -- watching a movie outside with the whole town.
+Yes, thank you for talking to all of us like we just tuned in.
+Ooh, a fat man falls. Real original.
+Dad, there aren't any places left to sit.
+There's a spot!
+Hurry, Dad!
+We gotta get that space!
+We're not gonna make it!
+Tonight's G-rated gem is a silent film from my favorite year -- yester! And while you enjoy this quiet riot, I'll be slipping these religious pamphlets on your windshields.
+Start 'er up, boys!
+Hey can you fix the sound?!
+And the color!
+And show it in a regular theater!
+Haw haw!
+This movie isn't silent -- I can hear it sucking.
+And all the snacks we stole are "heart-smart."
+What the hell is a "radish" anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.
+Dude, shut up and huck!
+Radishes!
+I demand entertainment!
+Yeah, show the movie! / Yeah, let's go!
+This is our chance.
+We've been carrying these home movies around for years, just waiting for a moment like this.
+Calm down, everybody -- here's a movie of us!
+Wow, even I ain't hopin' for porn.
+Ooh, this is one of our trips to Barnacle Bay! We used to rent a beach house there every summer.
+I was so happy on that island...
+I've never seen Marge want to go somewhere so badly. I'm gonna take her back there... by burning that home movie onto a DVD.
+I've never seen Marge like a DVD about a place so much. I'm gonna make her dream come true... by downloading that movie onto her iPod.
+Marge, I'm sorry I couldn't figure out how to get that movie onto your iPod... so I'm taking the family on a surprise vacation to Barnacle Bay!
+Where's Maggie?
+We left plenty of food so you won't starve.
+I was talking to the cat!
+It's the famous Barnacle Bay fog! There's even a poem about it! "Oh cotton candy in gossamer light / Thy soft gray kiss upon my cheek" It smells like heinie!
+My childhood paradise -- it's a dump!
+Ugh. This is the most disgusting place we've ever gone.
+What about Brazil?
+After Brazil.
+This was my favorite seahorse. I called him Mr. Funnygoodfeeling... Oh God, someone carved swastikas on your eyes!
+Oh Marge, I'm sure it was just some guy filled with hate.
+Oh my God, tourists! We haven't seen their kind in years!
+Dip your berries? / Powder your jellies?
+You could caramel my arm...
+I make it nice and sticky, heh?
+I didn't say "stop."
+Homer, that's too much sugar!
+It's not sugar, it's caramel!
+Excuse me, skipper -- this island used to be a paradise. What happened?
+I bet it was Bill Clinton's fault.
+No, no, it was long before him.
+Slick Willie wiggles out of another one.
+This island's been on hard times since, well, since the yum-yum fish disappeared.
+Yum-yum fish?
+Yum-yum fish are all we used to eat here. They're the most delicious fish in the ocean.
+Better than cod?
+Much better.
+Oh, baby!
+We brought them in by the boatload, day and night. And then one day they... well, they were gone.
+Maybe you just overfished them.
+Maybe they under-spawned.
+Maybe you killed them all.
+Maybe the fish killed themselves.
+Maybe you should be ashamed of yourself!
+Well maybe you should marry Milhouse!
+Yeah, that's right, I know about Milhouse.
+I guess in the end, nothing's as good as you remember.
+Oh, I can't stand to see your mother unhappy. But this town could be great for your mother again. And I know three people who can make it happen.
+Nice brush work, Emily. Nathaniel, you could learn a lot from her.
+Mr. Simpson, we'd do anything to help a stranger who claimed to vacation here thirty years ago.
+And make a little meth money on the side!
+Oh Ma-arge, we have a surpri-ise! Come to the win-dow! And look down at the stre-et!
+Homer! You made an effort!
+Homer, this is wonderful. Where are the kids?
+Oh, they're getting a little exercise.
+Can I go again?
+All night long, baby.
+What a great day.
+It's not over yet!
+Blue pinwheel, red pinwheel, big white ball, wait for the "aaahhh..."
+Aaahhh!
+A green spinner to build suspense... and then the big finale, the:
+Oh, so, forming an angry mob, eh? Who we goin' after?
+Well, at least they left your underwear on. That was nice of them.
+I think the hook is touching my brain. .
+My husband meant no harm. There must be some way he can pay for what he did. He's good at opening jars.
+Dammit!
+I say let him fish it off. These waters are so barren, by the time he pays the debt, he'll be as old and as queer as I am!
+Queer strange or queer gay?
+A touch of both.
+Homer, I want you to meet my crew. This is my first mate, Billy.
+And this is Fausto.
+Yeah, he just plays with that knife, all day and night.
+Ees my thing.
+Great man, now I need a new thing.
+How many yum-yum fish did we get?
+None. Just a few slarg fish.
+Ew, it tastes terrible!
+No, you don't eat it. Its oil is used to polish stripper poles.
+Finally. Something even I wouldn't eat. Well, maybe a little more.
+Terrible.
+Here you go -- beer-battered shrimp.
+Wait, this is bait! Homer, I told you to beer batter the shrimp and bait the hooks. Did you do the opposite?
+Uh... I thought today was Opposite Day. By the way, you're very ugly. It's Opposite Day.
+Hey captain, we should not go out and check the hooks.
+It's not Opposite Day!
+So that means... it is Opposite Day.
+It's not opposite day!
+The yum-yum fish! They're back!
+We're gonna be rich! And it's all thanks to you, Homer! Or should I say... Chief Fish Clubber Homer!
+I don't know what to say.
+Let your club do the talking.
+Oooh, an institute!
+Press button to see what global warming will do in the next three years.
+Three years is a long ways away.
+Oh my God!
+A perfect storm.
+My husband is out there!
+I won't lie to you. It's the most powerful storm I've ever seen. And I've seen three storms.
+Captain... I don't like the look of the western sky. Let us head back -- I'm sure our TiVos are groaning with great shows!
+We're not leavin' while there's still fish to be air-drowned.
+Are you sure, Captain? The barometer don't lie.
+All right, now listen. If a storm were comin', my trick knee would be acting up.
+Dear God.
+Oh Homie, I'm so worried. But if I concentrate, our love is so strong, I know I can hear your thoughts.
+Dear Marge, how are you? I am fine. The waves here are way bigger than the ones at home. And the salt water is rising. What's next? Pepper water? Ha ha. Love ya, Homer Simpson.
+This old barge can't take much more! Take out the life raft!
+Bart!? What the hell are you doing in there?!
+Dad... I couldn't stay with Mom and Lisa while you were out here.
+Aw, son.
+They were gonna go to the Folk Art Museum, then they were gonna paint crab shells. Not crush them, paint them.
+You did the right thing, boy.
+What is it, Moe?
+I just had this awful feeling that uh, Homer's in terrible trouble.
+Oh, that's funny. I just had a feeling that some guy I don't know named Fausto is in trouble.
+Come on, we've gotta go help Homer!
+And Fausto!
+Whoa, whoa, it's really comin' down out there.
+We could run to the car.
+Yeah, but then we'd have to stand there while we get the doors unlocked.
+Don't you have one of them keys that beeps the doors open?
+Yeah, but still...
+Watch me drive a golf ball off the bow!
+Yeahhhh!
+Shiiiii... pwreck!
+We're still gonna make it, aren't we Dad?
+Uh... sure we will, son. Right, Captain?
+Absolutely. Bart, the sea wouldn't dare take the life of an apple-cheeked young lad like yourself.
+Should I hit him with a shovel to spare him the pain of drowning?
+Not yet.
+What's the code word?
+Oh mother sea -- giver of fish, taker of boats, toilet to the world, the Greeks called you Poseidon, the Romans... Aquaman. Look into thy starfish heart and protect our souls, so we might live to go tubing on thee again.
+Do you think your Mother will ever remarry?
+In about two seconds.
+Why you little...
+Bart was on the boat?!
+We'll never know how that brave crew spent their final moments. Maybe a boiler blew up, sheared their faces clean off.
+All we do know is they're in Heaven now, hanging their lines off a cloud, and fishin' for airplanes.
+The hell we are!
+Portuguese Fausto!
+Yi yo yu!
+How did you make it?
+Well, handsome here was in big trouble...when suddenly...
+Oh my God! It's beautiful!
+Welcome, Homer, to our watery realm.
+Wait a minute. How am I breathing?
+You're not!
+Then when all seemed lost...
+Lot of garbage fish today.
+I can't go back to living on the surface world! I can't!
+Then they brought us home...
+So, that's our story. Oh wait, we were attacked by a giant whale. He turned out to be pretty cool.
+Come on, boys. Let's grab our nets and go fish us some yum-yums!
+Wait! Haven't you learned a lesson here? Over-fishing and greed have brought this town nothing but rack and ruin.
+Repent! Repent! Before it's too late! I always wanted to do that in a New England church.
+The little she-nag has a point. There's got to be some way we can make money without depleting our precious oceans.
+Nicely done, Lis. Instead of killing living things, they're just killing trees.
+Step aside, please. These logs have to go to Larry Flynt's paper mill, where they'll be made into "Hustler" and "Barely Legal" magazines.
+This is not what I wanted at all!
+Ah! Nothin' beats taking a family drive with our new satellite radio.
+Which of the twenty-five easy-listening stations should we listen to?
+I say "Cool Waves."
+"Neon Breeze"!
+"Chill Thunder"! "Chill Thunder"!
+You're all idiots. I'm putting it on Chill Thunder Lite.
+Ooo, now that's smooth.
+Outta my way, ya seatbelt wearin' cowards!
+Hey! Nobody cuts me off!
+How's it goin'?
+Homer, no! Revenge never solves anything.
+Then what's America doing in Iraq?
+Well, let me tell you a story about a time revenge brought only unhappiness and misery. It happened many years ago in Paris--
+No, France.
+There was a happy young family...
+Papa, may we have chocolat?
+Papa, may we have petit fours?
+May we? May we? Mais oui!
+Oh mon cher, I am the luckiest wife in the entire sixteenth arrondissement! Let us kiss with the tongues.
+I hate that Homer jerk, with his beautiful wife and loving family, when all I got is this doorway.
+Well, enjoy your sensual tongue-play while you can. 'Cause I've got a plan to take everything you've got!
+Monsieur Simpson...
+You're under arrest for treason!
+Treason?! But I love France! The way all our words are either a girl or a guy! Oh, that's the best!
+Tell it to le baton!
+I don't want the kids to see me this way!
+Don't worry, they're still drunk from school!
+Uh... deux... troi....
+I didn't write that! Even if I did love England, I'd play it cool. Wait for it to come to me.
+I sentence you to life...
+You moron! I'm already alive!
+...in prison!
+I'm gonna stop now.
+I shouldn't be here, I was framed!
+You think you got problems? The Man in the Iron Mask over there is the rightful King of France.
+Hey wait, did you guys hear that? He just admitted it! Guys? Oh man, this place is so unfair.
+Are you gonna torture me?
+We can't tell you -- not knowing is the worst torture of all.
+Well, that and the Rat Helmet.
+Now get some sleep -- you've got a nine a.m. Rat Helmet.
+Nine a.m.?!
+I swear revenge on Meaux! Even if it takes me the rest of my life! Can you loosen my arm so I can shake my fist?
+You're the traitor.
+REVENGE! Okay.
+Thank you.
+Oh, little mouse, you are the only thing that keeps me sane.
+Now I have nothing.
+Perhaps I may be of help.
+Where did you come from?
+I'm your cellmate. You never noticed me, because, frankly, you're extremely self-centered.
+Oh sorry, I wasn't listening. I was checking out my reflection in this yellow water. Lookin' good.
+Young man, I have the answer to your problems.
+I spent thirty years digging this tunnel, but now I can't use it. I'm simply too old.
+And decrepit.
+But you can escape -- and use this map to retrieve my buried treasure. With it, you can have your revenge!
+Oooh, the the! But why are you helping me?
+Well, because before my wretched life comes to a close, I want to know that I had one friend. Also, because while you slept, I violated you repeatedly.
+So this map leads to a treasure, huh?
+I wonder how long this tunnel...
+...iiiiiis!
+Mon Dieu! Weee!
+Ew! Silver!
+Ooh, a penny!
+This is my lucky day.
+FRÈRE JACQUES, FRÈRE JACQUES / DORMEZ-VOUS, DORMEZ-VOUS...
+I love today's music. "Frère" this and "Jacques" that, outta sight.
+The Count of Monte Cristo invites you to a formal gala.
+Ooh, the Count of Monte Cristo! Can we go? We haven't been to any parties since that soirée at the Bastille.
+Summer nights.
+When we meet the count, do you think he'll like us? / I've heard rumors he's mysterious!
+Madame, you have the shapely, hairless knuckles of a queen.
+Monsieur Meaux, I would be honored if you would be the first to enjoy the evening's entertainment.
+Here it is: The Harmless Chair of Relaxation!
+I've heard about these things. They're good for doin' the wife, right?
+Little do you know that the Count of Monte Cristo is in fact an old acquaintance of yours.
+I have returned!
+Oh. Hold on.
+/ It's him! / Homer! / Monsieur Simpson! /
+Homer, you're back!
+Oui oui! And I have spent the last five years plotting the most exquisite revenge!
+Okay, lesson learned. Friends again?
+Crêpes?
+SUZETTE!
+Homer...
+Yes, my love?
+You killed my husband!
+Papa Meaux! Papa Meaux!
+You guys liked him?
+We were together for five years! Now who's gonna take care of the triplets?
+But Marge, I did it all for you!
+For me, huh? What took you so long?
+It takes time to make a revenge machine this awesome! Plus, in the middle, I had to take revenge on some of my contractors.
+You spent so much time plotting your revenge, you lost everything that really mattered. Come on, kids.
+So you see Homer, revenge only leads to misery.
+Weren't you listening? I just told you a whole story about revenge.
+Oh, right -- revenge!!
+I'm gonna get my revenge! And if I get caught, I'm pinning it on the baby like the time I shot Mr. Burns.
+Dad, wait, I've got a story about why revenge is wrong.
+Is it "The Count of Monte Cristo?" 'Cause I love that story.
+I call it..."Revenge of the Geeks."
+I'm so sick of those bullies. We've gotta figure out some way to stop 'em.
+Perhaps we could tell the principal.
+Tell me what?
+Behold -- "The Get-back-inator".
+We're gonna beat those bullies with a glove?
+This is far more than a mere glove. This is the turning point in the eternal battle of brain v. brawn. All it requires is a small amount of coordination.
+I can handle the glove. I took juggling at camp.
+Good morning, dinguses. What are you doing? Touching each other's butts?
+You are so dead, you're alive!
+What is this place?
+What a pleasant surprise. It seems that now the shoe is on the other-- REVENGE!
+My fun bags!
+Please, have mercy! I always thought you were coolest dork!
+Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself?
+Milhouse, thanks to you, the nerds can breathe easy. Except the ones with asthma. Which is all of them. But still, it's great.
+Yep, having a weapon at school has really made things awesome.
+Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the prevailing wind.
+You embarrassed me in front of Lisa!
+Milhouse, what's gotten into you?
+Over the years a lot of people have hurt me. Good thing I kept this list.
+No, no! You've already got your revenge!
+You wouldn't give me "Chinese cuts" in the lunch line! You laughed when I threw up on the glass-blowing tour!
+Girls like you better! Your parents are married!
+Ay carumba!
+That's the only line I get in your stupid story?!
+There are no small parts, just small actors.
+This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!
+You will -- this is prevenge.
+Why look, it's Milhouse. What's the power glove for -- openin' the cap on your weird-o pills?
+Willie, clean up this mess!
+All right.
+Milhouse, don't you see... you're addicted to revenge.
+I'm really sorry.
+You'll learn to love it when you're my queen.
+I see. While it would be an honor to be your queen...
+Go on...
+I feel it would be best if we just stayed friends.
+Nobody spares my feelings!
+I can't do it. I can't hurt you, Lisa!
+Haw haw! You forgot about me 'cause I had the mumps!
+Wow. That had what I really like in a story: an ending.
+The point, Dad, is that when you take revenge, you become just as bad as the person you harm.
+No, sweetie. The lesson is: never put down your weapon.
+Revenge!
+Look at that view. It reminds me how insignificant we are in the world. Yee haw!
+This is it. It's taken all day, we've missed our flight to Hawaii, but finally, I'll get my revenge.
+Dad, wait! You haven't heard my story.
+You? You're too dumb to tell a story.
+No, seriously, you're great -- let's hear it.
+My story takes place in a time I call "the past".
+That stunk worse than boiled cabbage.
+You should feel lucky. Not many boys have parents who can afford to take them to the opera every night.
+Parents who are still alive, I might add.
+This alley looks dangerous. I'd better turn my ring around.
+Hoo-boy.
+Hand over your wallet!
+You don't frighten me!
+Or my wife!
+Or my...
+Shut up!
+Avenge me. In flamboyant impractical fashion.
+I want to avenge you, but I don't know how.
+In my younger days, I was an ace crime fighter -- the "Crimson Cockatoo!"
+Now let's get you in shape in an old-timey way.
+Holy Hannah! I've got more muscles than a New England clambake. Now all I need is a superhero name.
+You can be the Crimson Cockaboy. Hmmm?
+I'll keep thinking.
+Help! Somebody help! That thief stole all my "Heralds", "Tribunes", and "Herald-Tribunes"!
+A k-k-k-kid!
+I'm Bart-Man.
+Thank you, masked vigilante. Your over-zealous homicide has saved me eighty cents. Now if you're not going to buy anything, please move along.
+Tonight, the Springfield... I mean, Gotham underworld is trembling while solid citizens sleep snug as a bug. Why? Because Bart-Man is knocking down bad guys like Howard Hughes knocks up young starlets.
+Bad guys like: "The Toker"..."The Diddler"..."Mr. Mole"..."Sugar and Spice"...and "Poison Lenny"!
+No snake tattoo.
+When will I find the man who murdered my parents? When?
+Attention, Bart-Man -- this is "The Serpent", saying "fangs a lot" for getting rid of the competish. More stuff for me to steal!
+No villain is safe from me, Serpent!
+But I'm not a villain, I'm a transvestite.
+Explain that to your maker!
+I'll take it from here, Bart-Man.
+No sign of the Serpent, Chief.
+Everything's work with you. Lighten up.
+That music -- it's so hypnotic!
+My bone has a mind of its own!
+I'll be snaking those jewels and venom gonna go! Sorry I didn't asp your permission. Hope that's cobra-cetic.
+Hey schmuck: puns are lazy writing!
+Party's over, Serpent!
+No kidding, 'cause you're standing in the dip.
+You! You're the man who killed my parents!
+I did it. I finally got my revenge.
+But it didn't bring your parents back. Tell me, big boy, was it really worth it?
+Well... I do feel a little better. Plus I've got zillions of dollars and no parents to tell me what to do.
+Bart-Man, don't you want to join us?
+Don't talk to me when I'm vibrating.
+So you see, revenge is great. And there's three ways to talk about it. Although two of the ways were kind of the same way, and even the third one might have worked better as a Halloween story...
+That's okay, boy. The two of us got to talking.
+Yeah. It turns out we have a lot in common. We're both from Connecticut!
+Look at all them stars. How many do you think there are?
+What the?! Two?! You think there are two?! Well, I never, how could-- Why do you think it is that mankind is so inclined towards hatin' one another?
+I don't know. Let's just lay here till we figure it out.
+What's the matter, sweetie?
+Tomorrow's Multicultural Day at school.
+Now what do they want?
+I've got to give a presentation about our family's heritage. But ours is so boring!
+Yep, the Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of thirty-one flavors, we're the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out.
+Aw, Grampa. We should take lots of pictures of him while we still can.
+Camera's broken!
+Hey Lis, check it out! With some clever scissor work, I can make the "LakeLand Butter" Indian maiden show me her boobs.
+Clean, dirty clean, dirty clean, dirty ...
+Bart, stop that. Native Americans are a proud people with a noble heritage... A noble heritage that anyone can claim!
+Cool -- look what Snap's doing to Pop, while Crackle watches!
+"My great-great, great-great great grandmother was a Native American. She was a member of the..."
+"...Hitachee Tribe.,hitachee tribe,2
+111238,390,17,"Lisa Simpson: Wait
+I'll tell you what's wrong: you getting a C on this project and winding up at a third-rate college. Lisa, the world needs you to go to Wellesley!
+You're right. I'll just need to find "traditional garb"...
+...and so my proud people were nearly destroyed by the warfare, disease, and greed of the invading Europeans.
+I didn't come here to be insulted.
+Guten tag!
+Today the Hitachees have dwindled to a handful, and our detailed genealogical records were cruelly destroyed by the white man. So, any attempts to research my tribe would be the ultimate insult.
+Splendid, Lisa. By far the best presentation of the day!
+I'm still proud of what I am.
+And you should be. The city's Multicultural Council has invited one lucky student to perform at City Hall. Lisa, you'll be representing us, and the noble Hitachee people!
+Oh... great! I'd... love to.
+Must be the war cry of her tribe.
+Probably. Now get me some coffee.
+Daddy, I got me a C-minus on my Multicultural project.
+A C-minus, huh?! Well, let's celebrate. Hey, Brandine! Empty out the tub -- we's makin' rum!
+Cain't use the tub! I'm drownin' rats in it!
+Still?! Are you drownin' 'em or makin' love to 'em?
+Mr. Burns, help me!
+Why? You're not helping me.
+But sir, I'm flaming!
+My God, Willie, that fire is headed right for the tetherball pole! Put it out!
+I canna! All the extinguishers are gone!
+Then I'm afraid these "Wet Ones" will have to do the job.
+Ach! These are drier than a Charles Grodin quip.
+What monster, or pair of monsters, would steal our extinguishers?
+If this works, I'll go faster than any ten-year-old has ever gone.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
+The flames are heading straight for the Flammable District!
+That's where our mom works!
+My last words are "Lisa suuuucks"!
+That boy is a hero!
+Let's get hoistin'!
+Bart! Bart! Bart!
+Young man, to show our gratitude... the city of Springfield will grant you one wish.
+Really? Hmmm.
+That's it! I want a license!
+To kill?
+No, to drive.
+Suit yourself.
+Do you wish to be an organ donor?
+No way -- I don't want my guts touching some sick guy!
+Well, you make a good point.
+Oh, this is a bad time for me to have massive organ failure.
+Where do you think you're goin'?
+Oh, I can't believe this day is already here: me taking you for your first driving lesson.
+Hey, that jerk cut us off! Pull alongside!
+Eat Marshall Tucker, idiot!
+Homer, is that you?!
+Floor it!
+The Hitachees invented women's lacrosse... soft luggage...
+And that thing where you're walking and someone's walking towards you and you each try to step aside but you both go the same way and you do it again and again until one of you just scoots around? They had seven names for that.
+Whoa, you just blew my mind!
+Uh, thank you and goodnight.
+Show's over, let's go!
+What's your hurry?
+Well, some of my report... um... wasn't thoroughly fact-checked.
+Aw, my little girl's just like CBS News.
+Lisa, it was wonderful! I am such a proud Hitachee mother.
+Lisa, hi, my name is John Squawking Bear. I'm a reporter for "The Chippewa Bugle."
+You know uh... I thought I knew all the lost tribes... I've never heard of the Hitachee.
+Yes, we're among the lostest.
+Uh-huh. Where were you centered?
+Centered. Centered. You know where the four states come together?
+Oh, quite well.
+Not there. Not even close.
+In the name of the Great Turtle, will you answer the question?
+We were south... west of... North Dakota-lahoma.
+Very good. Well, I'd better get to my office before my boss, Screaming Editor, gets mad. I kid, but he's a real jerk.
+Hey, guys. I'll see you in a bit. I entered a thousand mile Baja Road race.
+Hold on there, boy. If you wanna keep using that car, you'd better start pullin' your weight.
+This cell phone is so I can call you whenever I need your driving services. I've put in my own ring tone!
+Hello, Bart?
+I need you to go the gas station. Tell them you need to inflate your tires, but actually you inflate these volleyballs.
+Then throw them over the wall of the prison to create chaos and confusion.
+Bart... buddy! It's your dad! I need a ride! I think I'm in Chinatown. Not our Chinatown.
+Slow down! You're too close to that car! Your hands should be at ten and two, not three and nothing!
+Y'know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your "Indian heritage."
+I'll be good.
+Oh, man! What now?
+Boy, I don't wanna freak you out, but I'm calling from inside the trunk.
+That was me. Some very un-cool people put me in here.
+This sucks! I can't do anything fun, 'cause I'm doing so many stupid errands!
+Shut up, shut up, shut up!
+It's dark in here!
+I gotta get outta this town for a while. Time to put the pedal to the metal.
+Hm, North Haverbrook. The very name conjures up romance and intrigue.
+Wow, a mint condition "Hippie Hulk" from 1968!
+Tune in, turn on, Hulk out!
+Release the hounds!
+Man, this town's got everything!
+Hey, hey, LBJ, how many pants you rip today?
+Any of you ladies like stereo music?
+You look kinda young.
+Uh... yeah, I have that disease that makes you look like an old man, but they gave me medicine for it and I took too much.
+That's cool. I'm Darcy.
+I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? Oh, right. Darcy.
+Bart! This is a matter of life and death: What is the difference between ketchup and catsup?
+They're gonna cut my head offff...!
+Kyle, are you sure we should be making out in this abandoned sawmill?
+Lighten up, baby. There hasn't been a murder here in ten years. Ten years tonight.
+It's the kid we locked in the cemetery in the first grade!
+Hey, what're you gonna do with that chainsaw, dork?
+I really like you, Bart.
+That is such a girl thing to say.
+So doctor, was it all a dream?
+Bart... let's get married.
+Why not? We've made out. It's not right to make out with somebody if you have no intention of marrying them. I mean, you're not a jerk, right?
+No, I'm not, but--
+Then it's settled.
+Look, Darcy, I like you. I really do. It's just... I'm only ten years old.
+Whaaa?!
+Bart... I've been keeping a secret from you too. I'm pregnant.
+I'm gonna be a father?!
+What?! No! You couldn't be the father! We never got close to that.
+Really? We didn't? But we kissed and held hands at the same time.
+Wow, you really are ten. I thought you were just kinda stupid.
+I'm ten and stupid! Look, if I'm not the father, then who is?
+A Norwegian exchange student. He's long gone, back to Norwegia. I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad. I'm very religious that way.
+How religious can you be if you're pregnant?
+Good answer.
+Marrying you was my only hope. When my parents find out, they're gonna kill me.
+Look, Darcy, maybe there's still a way we can get married.
+How? You're just a kid!
+Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but there is a state where the marriage laws are a little looser. Utah.
+Utah? Home of America's most powerful weirdoes?
+Our lives could be so wonderful there.
+Oh, Bart. You are an extreme husband and an extreme father.
+Awesome!
+The people of my tribe lived in harmony with the land.
+Eating mock buffalo steaks made from peaceful turnip roots, uh, they... environment... umm, dignity... corn god... I'm sorry, I can't do this!
+I made it all up! There is no Hitachee tribe! I took the name from my microwave! But surely you can forgive a little girl who--
+Wait, wait! Although she is not one of our people, this young lady has shown the courage we Native Americans cherish. And who can blame her for wanting to be one of us? We have a noble heritage and cheekbones to die for.
+I'm not Native American, either. I just ski a lot!
+I'm Japanese! / Well, I'm an Aborigine!
+I'm two midgets in a costume.
+What? Not you, Fibbing Bear!
+You know, my great-great grandmother was an Indian. I guess I should've mentioned that before, huh?
+Yes, you should've!
+Bart, sweetie. I need some strawberries.
+Um-hm. I bet they sell them in Utah.
+Bart, I need some strawberries. Right now.
+We're in the middle of the desert...
+I need strawberries!!!
+Take my wife... please! Hey, I finally get that joke!
+I just found this note in Bart's room! "Dear Mom and Dad: Me and my girlfriend Darcy have gone to Utah to get married. F.Y.I., she's pregnant"!
+Simpson men get the job done!
+It's a tragedy, a real tragedy. I mean, what kind of tramp gets knocked up before she's even married?
+I mean in this day and age, when the link between sex and pregnancy has been proven so... conclusively in... scientific American, where...
+Okay, we can trace where the kids are by the charges they made on your card. In Colorado, they charged two hundred dollars worth of bubble gum.
+Actually... that was me.
+"Dingle's Berries" in Provo, Utah?
+Why would I go to Utah? I love booze, caffeine, and monogamy.
+Then that must be it.
+Our daughter says she's run off with your son!
+Did she mention she was knocked up?
+Oops. Sorry for the spoiler.
+So how many brides will you be marrying today, Mr. Simpson?
+Just one.
+What are you, gay?
+Stop the wedding!
+Bart, you're too young to get married! You still make me check the closet for the boogeyman!
+Maybe I found someone else to do it for me. Someone who will do a more thorough job.
+I don't care how young he is -- he took advantage of a girl five years older than him!
+Utah karate!
+Dad, lay off the Bartman. He's not the father -- I just wanted to marry him, so you and Mom wouldn't be ashamed of me.
+Ashamed? I'm thrilled... because I'm gonna have a baby too!
+Awwwwwww!
+We can lie to the neighbors and tell them they're twins!
+Awesome idea, Dad!
+I guess this is the end for us, Bart. Thanks for everything.
+Darcy, in fifty years, you might see me walking down the street and you'll wonder, "Is that Bart?" And I'll go and you'll know.
+You know, I thought Darcy and I would be like a real married couple. Instead we just ended up fighting all the time.
+Yeah, how 'bout that?
+You know, for a while, I was kinda looking forward to bein' a dad.
+Son, one day you're going to be a great father.
+Aww. And someday you'll be one too.
+Thanks, boy. Hey, for old time's sake, you wanna drive me around while I sing public domain songs out the window?
+You got it.
+TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR / HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE /
+UP ABOVE THE WORLD SO HIGH / LIKE A DIAMOND IN THE SKY...
+Oh, hello! I'm documentary filmmaker Declan Desmond. Thirty-two years ago I interviewed a group of Springfield school-children.
+These children ran the gamut of society: rich and poor, black and white, "he'll grow into his looks" and "forever hideous."
+My Dad was a circus freak but my Mom don't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of all of them.
+Every eight years I revisited those children, creating a cinematic chronicle of their lives.
+Join me, won't you, to see dreams dissolve like a muffin in the rain, in:
+Growing Up Springfield!
+What does the future hold for these children? Will he grow up to work in a robot factory? Will she be the receptionist for a robot businessman? And will he be a crusader for robo-sexual rights? I say "yes," "no," and "yes."
+So, Lenny, what have we here?
+My daddy said I can have any birthday party I want. My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur and all the guests will say, "Why, Lenny, that's a fine cake!" Then, "yes," I'll say.
+I decided not to waste anymore film on him after that.
+I wish for world peace.
+I wish for world war.
+Oh yeah, that would be cooler.
+I wish when I grow up, I'll be richer than everybody!
+I will! I will be rich! I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball!
+But what became of these wide-eyed naïfs? Let's begin by following the life of little Clancy Wiggum.
+Bang, bang, bang!
+Freeze, robber, freeze! Bang, bang, bang!
+It hurts! It hurts so bad! Please, just put one in my brain!
+Okay. Uh, bang.
+Thank you.
+Stop it, Winston!
+As hall monitor, I am the law. No running in the hall. No running in the hall. No running in the hall.
+Hey, detention bird, thanks for not running in the hall.
+Go Wildcats!
+At twenty-four, Clancy Wiggum was accepted into the police academy.
+Wiggum! What did I tell you about pointsy-towardsies?!
+You seem a little cranky, commandant. A back rub'll set you right.
+There we go.
+O-kay. Don't be afraid to dig in there good!
+Hey, what'sa matter, buddy? Need a backrub?
+At thirty-two, Officer Wiggum had found the fast track to becoming chief.
+Oh yeah, oh that's the stuff. Thanks for giving me an eight-thirty appointment. You are a life saver.
+Y'know uh... if I was Chief, I could give you eight-thirty every day.
+I don't have the authority to... I'll make it happen.
+And here we are in now-times. As you can see, I have gotten everything I've ever wanted.
+Except pants that fit.
+I told you that if I let you into this movie, you couldn't make fun of me.
+I'm not makin' fun of you. I'm makin' fun of your pants.
+How'd you like it if I made fun of your pants?
+Go ahead.
+They're a little, uh... they're-they're, they-aw, they're perfect.
+When I grow up, I'll have a giant mansion, my own pinball machine with infinity quarters, eight pairs of peanut butter and jelly pajamas. How many wishes do I have left?
+None. You never had any. I'm not a genie.
+Homer, your dreams will take a lot of money.
+Don't look at me, look at the camera.
+Got it.
+I said, look at the camera.
+No problem.
+Now you're looking at a mud puddle. That's your hand. That's the production accountant. That's your other hand. Do you even know what a camera is?
+Why, of cour-- No.
+I'm gonna put this squeaky toy on top of the camera.
+Squeaky! Squeaky!
+Squeaky, squeaky!
+Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky!
+Unsurprisingly, by age twenty-four, Homer's dreams of wealth had not come to fruition.
+Manure for sale! Get your manure! Loamiest in town!
+Hey, the manure dealership is just one of the things I got goin'.
+I also have a sweet gig as an infomercial question-asker.
+Um, I know Super Clean cleans, but does it scrub?
+My garage band is getting so tight.
+YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
+The album cover's gonna be a naked girl with stars for boobs.
+And I do open-casket caricatures.
+Did he have any hobbies?
+Get out of here!
+But Homer had found a peanut of hope in his Cracker Jack box of despair...
+Homer is so amazing! He can chug a beer and pitch woo at the same time.
+The light from your eyes could guide a ship at sea.
+Are you two considering children?
+Go on...
+Kids? No way! You'll never see a couple of rug-rats tying me down!
+You'd better not put this shot after the one where I said I won't have kids. That would be a devastating edit!
+Homer, your life is nothing to be ashamed of -- you've got a loving family and a steady job at a nuclear power plant. You're not English Breakfast, but you're not Lapsang Souchong either.
+Oh yeah? Check with me in eight years, Dr. Who. I'll be kickin' your ass with a solid gold boot!
+Hm... what's changed for me since the last time I saw you? Only... everything!
+I can't believe it. Homer Simpson... a bloody millionaire!
+Why do you sound so shocked? This is our fifth take.
+Wheee! /
+Now that I'm super-wealthy, I can buy them whatever their hearts desire. That's why rich kids turn out so well.
+Mine has a cup holder!
+Bart, that's a blowhole!
+You're a blowhole!
+No, boy! Up, up, up!
+INT. LAKESIDE MANSION - KITCHEN - PRESENT - LATER
+Well Marge, you must be proud of your "Homie."
+Oh yes. I'm so proud, I feel my chest might burst. Can you edit that? I don't wanna say "chest" in a movie.
+You said it and it stays!
+But I must know: how did Homer come so far in eight short years?
+This pays a lot better than you think.
+Nosotros lo pagamos en cales.
+Si, los cales.
+INT. LAKESIDE MANSION - KITCHEN - PRESENT
+You see Declan, I made my millions with a simple invention -- "The Condiment Pen"!
+Just click the buttons at the top and you can choose from ketchup, mustard, mayo, and relish.
+I got the idea from the regular pen.
+Can I use it on fish and chips?
+I don't know. You can put horseradish on your dead mother for all I care. The point is, I'm rich, rich, rich! Just look -- my dog has his own Jacuzzi!
+He loves it!
+You win, Homer. I guess there's no way I can embarrass you any further.
+When I um, grow up, I'm going to be a rocket scientist!
+To Mars!
+Zoom. Zoom.
+Bullies approaching -- activate cloaking device.
+Professor Frink, you've become one of Springfield's most renowned scientific minds. You discovered and cured Frink's Disease, created the element Frinkonium, and invented the eight-month-after pill.
+Yes, yes. All right. All of that means nothing, sir! I have spent my whole life in the lab and never talked to a girl. That's why I built this time machine!
+I give you the chrono-trike! Now I'll go back in time to tell myself to choose a different career. One where I'll meet a female woman of the girl-u-lar variety.
+Have to get the speed going here.
+Listen to me, little Frink! I am here to warn you--
+That was... Hey, I'm still going but--
+Hey. Cool.
+I want to be a lawyer and a doctor, because a woman can do anything.
+At twenty-four, Eleanor had graduated from Harvard Medical and Yale Law.
+Your Honor, I'd like to request a continuance so I can go deliver a baby.
+I love babies! I'll allow it.
+I'm a little burnt out. So sometimes, don't shoot me, I have a glass of wine with Buster, here.
+He's a real comfort. I might even get a second cat.
+Nice kitty.
+I like taking pictures.
+Take my picture! Take my picture!
+Aw crap, my first kiss.
+You could do a lot worse, my friend.
+At age sixteen, Marge was the star photographer for her school newspaper.
+But her interests soon expanded beyond shutterbuggery...
+The biggest change for me over the last eight years? That's gotta be Homer!
+Marge, baby! I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest!
+They had a sale on skulls.
+At twenty-four, Marge's photo-journalistic dreams were, shall we say, under-developed?
+I need one wallet-sized photo for my captain's license.
+Coming right up. Mind if I turn on a little music?
+It's so danceable! Nautical Stu loves disco music!
+And the world welcomed Disco Stu.
+I need a full-time job to support Homer, so he has time to work on his rock music, his erotic etchings, his Play-Doh Theater...
+And yet look how things turned out! This overnight affluence must have come as a tremendous shock.
+Oh, yes sir... as shocks go, this one's a real zaparoo.
+Listen, something's been piquing my curiosity. Why is your medicine cabinet full of old man ointments?
+Oh... well, yeah, the ointments, um...
+What are you people doing in my summer home?
+Uh, this is Eduardo, my pool boy. He thinks he's an angry rich man.
+I am an angry rich man!
+That's the pool chemicals talking.
+Homer J. Simpson! Your fabulous millionaire lifestyle is all a lie!
+Oh Fah-ther, my pony Buttercup can jump ever so high-- Hoo-boy, it's Mr. Burns.
+Please, Mr. Burns, pretend you work for me. You can have the boy, just don't beat him. You can beat him, just don't leave marks.
+Shut up, you waste of skin and fat! You've desecrated my every possession!
+Oh, thank you, sir! For three days I've had nothing to read but clock-setting instructions: "Using the suspension spring above the pendulum leader, hang the pendulum on the pendulum guide..."
+Mr. Burns, we're so sorry. The plan was just to use your back yard, and the next thing we know, Mr. Smithers is tied up in a grandfather clock.
+Please get me out of here! It's eleven fifty-nine, fifty-nine!
+I've heard enough! Release the hounds!
+Uh, sir, your hounds are still at the winter house.
+Well, bring them over in the Durango.
+Shadow and Winston have been fighting a lot.
+Put Winston in the front.
+Winston doesn't like the front.
+Just do it! Do it! Do it now!
+...and that's how I got the vending machine contract for the Kremlin.
+Sorry, sir... traffic was a nightmare. Then I got caught in some kind of garlic festival...
+In the wake of this deception, I had two questions for Homer: "Why lie?" and "Lies... why?!" But he seemed less than eager to meet.
+Homer, I brought a squeaky!
+I realized that if this bunny was going to be boiled, I would have to turn up the heat.
+There you are! I'm ready for my segment.
+Lenny... always exciting to hear from you. Did you ever try that new shampoo?
+Nope, never did.
+Wanna watch me pay my cable bill? I got checks with butterflies on 'em.
+I am interesting.
+No you're not.
+What do you want?
+Marge, can you just let me in for a minute?
+We let you in thirty-two years ago and it's brought us nothing but pain.
+Well, if you want, I can cut you out of the film.
+No, no, no, no, no! Let's not get crazy.
+Then I just want to know why your husband did what he did.
+I'll tell you why.
+It's been another eight years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book...
+I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie. But all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.
+Strong words from a dumpy man. And cut.
+Wait just a cotton-swabbing minute! A good man went to a lot of trouble just to impress you! And I went along with it, because I love him to pieces! And you made him look like a fool. Well, I don't want you anywhere near my house!
+Now you can cut!
+What's the matter, Declan? Did a cop give ya a ticket for talkin' like a fruit?
+It's the oddest thing: I actually feel affection for these knuckle-dragging sub-monkeys. I feel sorry for Homer Simpson.
+I'll pay for most of this!
+Whaddaya been sippin' cuckoo juice? Homer's got it made. He's married to one hell of a woman. All I've got is this porn channel I'm too cheap to de-scramble.
+That's an ad for shoe inserts.
+What the?! I've been writin' creepy letters to that?!
+But what you said about Homer it's... it's given me a brilliant idea!
+An action movie where I play the Pope who kills the President?
+No, that's a terrible idea.
+Yeah, I know, it is stupid. I think it could work, though. I even got a title: "Pontiff No Return". I came up with it, but I don't really get it.
+The next day, I invited Homer to my editing bay.
+Oh my God, the view!
+This makes it all worth it!
+It's not so much fun when you're blind.
+At least you made it up the mountain.
+No thanks to you two.
+All right, you lured me to your bay. Now what sick game are you playing?
+I have some footage to show you.
+Oh, spirit. Are you gonna show me my future? My snow-flecked grave, mourned by no man? Well, it's not too late for me to change!
+You there, boy! Buy me a Christmas goose! The biggest one in the shop!
+And then what?
+Homer, come over here and take a look at this. I've gone over a hundred thousand hours of Springfield footage -- twice -- and put together something you must see.
+If I could trade lives with anybody I'd pick Homer.
+Have you been to Homer's house?! It's got a back yard, a front yard... the place is like yard city!
+I love his laugh...
+He picked the perfect time to lock in his mortgage!
+He's the kindest, sweetest most generous man ever to drive through my living room.
+He may not be perfect, but he's my Dad.
+Homer gave me a kidney. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due, but still a lovely gesture.
+I like when Daddy's out of work 'cause he can spend more time with me.
+At bedtime, he tucks me in tighter than anyone else could. And you know what? No monsters have gotten me yet.
+Wow. I have a pretty good life after all.
+Homer! Don't kill the foreign man!
+Relax, Marge. I wasn't gonna kill him.
+All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted... hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family, and hanging with my drinking!
+Marge, you're my real dream come true. And I get to live you every day.
+Oh, Homie! You make each eight-year interval better than the last!
+Nothing like reading a well-plotted mystery on the beach. It's amazing how they always solve the crime just before they run out of pages.
+James Patterson!
+Come with me, Marge. Help me think of new nursery rhyme-themed titles for my thrillers.
+Ooh, how about "Little Bo Peep?"
+That's great! A clue could be her sheep!
+Marge, the real mystery is why we're just talking when I could be kissing your--
+I overslept!
+The family can't start the day without me!
+Relax, baby. While you were dreaming of me and calling me "James," I took care of everything.
+Homie, you woke up early?
+Eh, stumbled home at dawn, same diff. Now don't worry: I packed everyone's lunches and sent them off into the world.
+Why aren't you a-scareded?
+What kind of lunch is this? A drawing of a sandwich?
+I've got Grampa's medication!
+Abe, pull over! You're not the driver!
+Shut up, pizzas! I've gotta deliver ya!
+No lunch for me...unless I "scare" one up.
+Hey guys, remember to stick together. Today is the anniversary of the Dark Stanley murders.
+Tell us all you know.
+All right...
+Imagine I'm holding a flashlight under my face.
+Years ago, Stanley DeGroot was a cook here at the school...
+All the kids made fun of him because he never graduated from college.
+STANLEY, STANLEY, NO DEGREE / TWO CREDITS SHORT AT M.I.T.!
+One day, Stanley picked up a cleaver and put a new entrée on the menu.
+A delectable little dish called kids'-head soup.
+Needs more girl.
+What happened to Dark Stanley?
+They hanged him for murder and buried him in an unmarked grave. When they came back the next day... the whole cemetery was missing.
+Try not to think about it.
+They say Dark Stanley makes your skull into a toilet and wee-wees into it...
+And just when you think he's done, Dark Stanley takes your skin and makes footy-pajamas!
+Nobody pajamanates my skin!
+This is the very spot where Dark Stanley comes to harvest heads for his soup of sorrow.
+Really?
+Oh, Dark Stanley would never dare attack a crowded, well-lit--
+Dark Stanley's here!
+/ He's here! / Run!
+Murther!
+Well Seymour, I certainly appreciate you letting me store my collection of antique cologne bottles in your office while they re-carpet my condo.
+It's quite a collection, and I assume, irreplaceable.
+You assume correctly.
+Seymour, Gary.
+Simpson, I know you're behind this. Well, you are gonna get some counseling from our school psychologist.
+Dark Stanley's gonna eat my brains!
+Or from a qualified professional. But first: Willie! Get those kids back!
+I'll bring those wee ones back -- dead or alive!
+Not dead!
+Aw, ya never let Willie be Willie.
+Zimmerman, Zorx, and... Zzyzwiski. Now back to class, all of you.
+All right, you heard him! Back to class.
+But we don't go to school.
+But you do live in the district.
+That's right. We home-school 'em. I teach the big ones and the big ones teach the little ones. But no one ever taught me, which makes the whole thing just an exercise in futility.
+Uh-huh. Skinner, what is going on here?
+Sir, if we let these hill folk into our school, our test scores would drop so low, we'd lose all federal funding.
+I see. And we've already lost state, county and local funding.
+Hey, kids! The plow mule done birthed a girl-critter!
+Plus our last bake sale was a disaster. People took bites without buying the cookies.
+Yes, we're not very good at anything.
+Excuse me.
+Lisa Simpson, with the school paper.
+Am I to understand you're purposely denying education to these children?
+Well I-- / That is to say-- / You see the thing is--
+I warn you, young lady, we can fumfur all day.
+We uh-- / You see-- / About that--
+You haven't heard the last of this!
+Well, I think we've heard the last of this.
+No you haven't!
+We're gonna have to give this some thought.
+Let's sing while we think. It'll make it more fun for everyone.
+HOW DO WE GAG A BLAB-BERMOUTH LIKE LISA?
+HOW DO WE CRUSH HER FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS?
+HOW DO WE STOP HER WRITING UP WHAT SHE SAW?
+WOULD SHE SHUT HER TRAP...
+FOR A GIFT CARD FROM THE GAP?
+SHE MIGHT!
+OH, HOW DO WE STOP A ROYAL PAIN LIKE LEEEEE-SA? /
+HOW DO WE MAKE MISS RIGHTEOUS LESS UP-TIGHT?
+You have a lovely voice, sir.
+Why do you have to make everything weird?
+You asked to see me?
+Lisa, would you consider tutoring Cletus' children?
+You'll be happy, they'll be happy, and I can go home and enjoy some delicious fondue.
+Made with the fondue set I bought you for Christmas?
+No. So what do you say, Lisa?
+Me... a tutor?
+THE HILLBILLY TYKES WILL BECOME MY TUTEES!
+Young'uns, this here girl is come from fairyland to school y'all. Now if you need me, I'll be on the porch drinkin' Thomsen's Water Seal.
+My name's Lisa. What are your names?
+Witney!
+Jitney!
+Incest!
+Crystal Meth!
+International Harvester!
+Birthday!
+Are we gonna do this much work every day?
+Why do I have to go to a stupid psychiatrist? I told a scary story, big deal.
+Look boy, nobody knows better than me that you're a lost cause. But the school's paying for five sessions and there's a Chinese restaurant next door where I can get drunk.
+Get ready, Sheila -- this guy likes the act.
+Mr. Simpson! / You good man! / We happy see you! / You not come long time! / Come sit, drinky-drinky! / Where's Margie? She super lady! /
+Bart, my name is Doctor Swanson...
+Stop right there, Doc. This school has sent me to more therapists than you've had bad dates. I've looked at the ink blots, I've played with the puppets, the whole racket's a hat fulla crap.
+I see. Well... I get paid whether you make progress or not. Why don't we just kill the time playing videogames?
+Yeah, right -- I bet you've got a bunch of "learning" games. Why don't you go online and look for a boyfriend while I take a nap?
+Actually, I just got "Death Kill City Two: Death Kill Stories".
+Whoa! You've got "D.K.C.2.D.K.S."? That one's rated "Bad For Everyone"!
+You have destroyed all human life on earth. Level one complete.
+And that's how a presidential veto gets overridden. Any questions?
+How is any of this gonna put dog meat on my plate?
+Hm... maybe the best way to begin your education is to get you some exposure to the wider world. So I'm gonna take you to downtown Springfield!
+We gotta get permission from Daddy.
+S'aright with me.
+And, lastly, I need a noun.
+Booger.
+Read it back! Read it back!
+The county fair is always sucky to visit on a hot summer fart. You can eat delicious cotton hate. And ride the Ferris burp and the merry-go-booger.
+You can't make that stuff up!
+What's this tell you, Bart?
+That this is one terrible county fair.
+And... My Dad never takes me on the merry-go-booger. He's always passed out in the parking snot.
+He's lying!
+You drink too many scorpion bowl. You go sleepy-sleepy now!
+Did you uh, did you get his wallet?
+Every president has a word balloon that says "I am gay."
+These colorful bums is funny!
+And guess what -- Ben and Ken the Street Magic Men are only the beginning! The city is a treasure trove of culture and multi-culture!
+MISTOS AND LATTES AND GRANDES AND VENTIS / BROWSING AT BOOKSTORES WITH FAT COGNOSCENTIS!
+BOOKS ABOUT DALI, DEGAS AND MIRO / THOSE ARE THE FOLKS THAT YOU YOKELS SHOULD KNOW!
+PRE-TENTIOUS LAUGHS AT BUNUEL RETROSPECTIVES...OUTSIDER ART MADE BY MENTAL DEFECTIVES!
+ENJOYING OPRY THAT AIN'T GRAND OR OL'...
+COMPARING JIM CARREY TO DARIO FO!
+Your minds are opening! Take it home!
+EATING TAPAS!
+FREESTYLE RAPPAS!
+MRS. SKIN-NER IS "MAME"!
+WE FIN'LY EXPERIENCED CULTURAL THINGS / AND NOW THEY DON'T SEEM... SO LAME!
+What a number! You kids got talent -- and I should know, I used to have it!
+Hey, you're one of those funny people with a big crazy nose.
+A clown?
+No, a J--.
+Joker, that's right! And I'm not a practicing joker, so I'm not that offended.
+Well it's nice to see you again, Krusty, but these kids have field trip journals to write!
+Yeah, yeah, right.
+Who's your agent?
+What's an agent?
+Ka-ching!
+Finally, I get a chance to use these gag contact lenses.
+And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News".
+Bart, I think you're making a lot of progress, but our time is up.
+See ya next Wednesday.
+Actually... this was our last session.
+Huh? But we were doing such good work.
+Oh Bart, I truly enjoyed our time together, but the school only paid for five sessions.
+I think I just got dumped.
+He used to rob me two, three times a week. Now I'm lucky if I get it once a month.
+He never initiates it. I have to do all the work. He just stands there.
+Now, now, don't talk through him, talk to him.
+Apu, sometimes when I rob you, it's like you're not even there.
+That is because you're robbing my brother Sanjay.
+That's right. I want to hire your entire Appalachian dumpling gang, and I'll pay them the most anyone on TV is entitled to get: scale!
+Now I don't sign nothin' without pretendin' to read it first.
+Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger... looks good.
+Mr. Spuckler, wait! Is this really good for your kids?
+Teeny, get her outta here!
+Okay kids, let's cut some promos for the affiliates.
+You're watching Krusty the Clown on WPPZ in Vero Beach, Florida. Home of the Accu-Curl Surf Report!
+Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
+Hey hey, kids! Have I got a treat for you! Put your hands together for the Sharecropper Showstoppers, The Smashing Bumpkins... The Spuckler Family Singers!
+I HAVE EIGHT TEETH GOING ON SEVEN TEETH
+I HAVE A CURVY SPINE
+WE LIVE ON LANDFILL
+AND FEAST ON ROAD KILL
+WHILE WE ALL DRINK MOONSHINE!
+You're better than us!
+Look at those dumb hillbillies! I bet they don't even know what... something is.
+Dad, those kids aren't dumb. This show just perpetuates the stereotype that all yokels are hicks!
+Look at those morons -- they sing because they're stupid!
+Kids, it's finally happening -- your own prime-time special. The songs will be written by Broadway's greatest composer: this guy.
+What's your name again, Fuzz Face?
+Stephen Sondheim. I know you hear this all the time, but I think you're great.
+And I'm sure you hear this all the time: you cost an arm and a leg, so let's get to work.
+Here's the opening number.
+Complex harmonies... intricate lyrics... ...pithy observations on modern life. What is this junk?! Where's the zazz? Just do what you did in "Cats!"
+I didn't write "Cats."
+You didn't?! Oh, no! All right, I'll try and save this... tell you what, just give me a peppy vamp.
+Okay. And I can counterpoint it with--
+No counterpoint! Vamp! Peppy!
+Hey, this peppy stuff isn't bad! Maybe I will write that jingle for Buzz Cola! "PRESIDENT OR AYATOLLAH / EVERYONE LOVES NEW BUZZ COLA! WITH LEMON!"
+Krusty, the Spuckler kids missed their reading class today.
+Yeah? Well, take it up with their manager.
+Cletus, I think you're spending too much of the kids' earnings on yourself.
+That's a lie. I ain't spent their money on naught but necessities.
+Sir, your solid gold hound dog is here.
+Uh... How do we get the real dog out?
+Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow because, deep down, I want them to have a cow?
+I saw you yesterday in the dining room, and I didn't know if I should say "hi" or not.
+How can I help you?
+Dr. Swanson, I'm Bart's mother. I've been saving this money for my husband's breast reduction surgery. But I think this is more important. Would you please see Bart again?
+Of course.
+Send him in.
+Bart, honey, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work, maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
+I'm pretty sure I will.
+...And I wasn't planned, so when I came, my parents had to get married. And they were too young and not ready for a kid to screw up their lives. Maybe... I act out because... if my parents are mad at me, they can't fight with each other!
+And maybe that's why you do things like scare your classmates with Dark Stanley?
+Yeah, that and "Stanley" was the brand of hammer my dad used to hit me with.
+Very good. Bart, we have twenty minutes left. Is there anything else you want to talk about?
+You know what -- I think I'm good.
+Oh. Good. Good. Good. Will I see you again?
+Anything could happen. One of these days I might have a complete psychotic breakdown.
+I'd like that.
+I just can't stop thinking about him.
+Do you think maybe... Bart is replacing your son... who was killed by Dark Stanley?
+I am not ready to go there.
+You kids finish signing those eight-by-tens?
+I've told five different drycleaners they's the best. Ain't that lyin', Mr. Krusty?
+Uh, yeah, maybe. But I've got some great news! Take a look at your new home!
+That's right -- you're joining Krusty's No-Collar Comedy Tour!
+There's Butt-crack Barry, Merle Values, Reverend Racist and Andy Dick.
+I'm blue collar, I'm totally blue collar -- my Dad owns a shovel!
+Now kids, don't be a-frettin' and a-fussin'. I'll be on tour which ya... in my brand new monster truck!
+Stop the tour!
+Cletus Delroy Spuckler! What have you done to our children?!
+Brandine! You're supposed to be in Iraq, stopping 9-11! Did ya get the body armor I sent ya?
+Sold it for smokes.
+Cletus, I had to stop you exploiting the children, so I sent her an e-mail.
+My babies ain't going on no bus tour!
+It doesn't matter what you say. I got a contract signed by the father of these children.
+He's only the father of two of 'em! The one that cain't sing and the one that cain't ad lib.
+Nooooo!
+Permission to moan?
+Miss Lisa, we just wanna thank you for introducing us to, then saving us from, the big wide world around us.
+'Tweren't nothin'.
+Cletus, we're goin' home. How much money do we have left?
+Uh, I owe Krusty twelve thousand dollars.
+We can live on that.
+Baby, you're the greatest.
+How sweet it is.
+Okay, everyone, straight ahead is my big surprise!
+Look out for the stairs!
+You redid the basement!
+Whoa -- feel the pile on this shag!
+Oh, baby!
+'You look at that paneling -- I feel like I'm back in wooden times!
+Check out this pinball machine! "Chevy Chase in 'Foul Play'."
+Pinball, eh? I've always wanted to try this.
+Wow, the graphics are amazing. That ball almost seems real!
+This basement is a wonderful gift to the family. But how could you afford it?
+Marge, we're not going to have to worry about money ever again. Because I've got a plan...
+I'd like to declare bankruptcy, please!
+Mr. Simpson, do you understand how bankruptcy works?
+Yes I do. Under chapter thirteen of the fiscal code, an individual whose debts exceed his assets may file for bankruptcy, thus protecting said assets.
+That was the old bankruptcy law.
+Under the new law, you have to pay your creditors everything.
+What the? But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law! The one that says "Dude, don't worry about it. I got this."
+Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid this court must appoint a financial officer to supervise repayment of your debts.
+I'll allow it.
+Mr. Simpson, among the expenses the court deems frivolous: you throw over one thousand dollars a month into local wishing wells.
+Of course, you idiot, 'cause I'm wishing for more money.
+Uh-huh. Well you're going to have to make some serious cutbacks to your expenses. Three subscriptions to "Vanity Fair?"
+I've got three bathrooms, don't I? Next.
+Five hundred dollars a month to Totalpoker.com?
+Shut up! It's an instructional website! Shut up!
+Give it here, I'll find some fat we can trim. Here you go, a giant useless expense for something that no one is interested in.
+I don't wanna leave! You promised me I could die here!
+No, no. This place is too expensive. I saw you doing a "five-hundred piece" jigsaw puzzle in there!
+Come on, Dad, I'm cuttin' back everywhere. To save gas I'm "Flintstone-ing" the car.
+Yabba... dabba... dooooo...
+Scram, you two! This is my bedroom now!
+No way, this is our rec room!
+Not anymore! I already put my posters up!
+Hey, Mr. Flanders, what'd you get?
+Some kind of bible garbage?
+Oh, I wish! No, these are complimentary boxes from the shipping company.
+Could a kid like me get these boxes? Then use 'em for whatever he wanted?
+Only if he fibbed about his name, age, and occupation on this automated eight-hundred number.
+Hello, redemption.
+Why don't you put this box by your phone so you don't call the number by accident.
+Oh, I won't.
+Nothing like un-tossing a leftover salad. It'll be like new!
+What the heck are these?
+Those are my medical samples! Hands off, ya big blue Buttinski!
+Blood, bile, spinal fluid, blood, other, phlegm, miscellaneous ooze...
+Grampa's driving me crazy!
+Why are you telling me? He's your father-in-law.
+Can we at least get out of the house for an evening?
+Sure, but I think you're exaggerating the problem.
+I'm scared. Can I sleep across ya?
+What are you doing here, Patty-or-Selma?
+I invited Selma here to watch Grampa watch the kids.
+For some reason, she doesn't trust him. Maybe it's the bang-up job he did raising you.
+He was a great Dad! Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents.
+Um... lemon candy?
+No thanks, I brought my own.
+I know what you're wondering: how come a single woman with so much to offer is alone on a Saturday night.
+I assumed you were restin' up for bingo tomorrow, like me.
+My numbers don't get called much these days.
+You're kiddin'. A sweet young thing like you?
+Wow, that's the first time anyone's ever put an adjective before calling Me a thing.
+You know, I was voted best kisser in my P.O.W. camp.
+Well... if he dies in my arms, I could meet a cute paramedic.
+All right, lips, man your kissing stations! This is not a drill!
+Well, here we are, home early.
+Look at Grampa and Selma frolicking in the water.
+Yeah, and the great prices at that new rib joint were the surprise of the evening.
+A bear is eating my father!
+I'm Selma.
+A talking bear is eating my father!
+Dad, do you know what you were kissing? Do you? Do you?
+Yeah, I know who I was kissing, and I also know why! I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories!
+Well I never, ever want to see that again.
+Ah, the hell with you. I just might ask that Selma girl out. And you can't tell me not to! My roof, my rules!
+Oh, why did I borrow that roof from him?
+So exactly what company am I giving these free boxes to?
+Uh... the name of the company is...
+Dog, Incorporated.
+Uh-huh. Are you run by dogs or for dogs? Actually, don't answer. I like not knowing.
+Now we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes.
+As always, I have some ideas.
+Build a fart! I love it.
+Fort. That's build a "fort."
+That might work too.
+I'm glad you called. This is really gonna drive Homer crazy.
+Well actually... the real reason I asked you out is because I'm... Well I'm a little sweet on ya.
+Ohhh... Listen Abe, the other night was fun, but...
+Ah phooey on buts! At my age and with your drawbacks, we can't afford to miss an opportunity. Why don't we just spend some time together and see where that takes us?
+Yeah, what the hell. Wanna split a basket of garlic bread?
+Slow down, ya hussy!
+Pick a lane, freaks!
+It's not right. It's like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase that fell out of a plane.
+Be nice, Homer. Don't you see how great it is that they found each other? Like how the parts of a pig nobody wants combine to make a yummy hot dog.
+Oh, now you're dragging hot dogs into this. Real classy, Marge. Real classy.
+Hey Homer, that garbage barge is complaining about your smell.
+We wrote that joke in the water. It wasn't all frolicking.
+How could my Dad go out with Selma? Don't those two gargoyles know that love is for good-looking young people?
+Well gee, Homer, you uh, ain't exactly open-casket material yourself.
+Words hurt, you know.
+Stupid Selma and Grampa... how dare they find happiness?
+Psst! Over here.
+It's me -- Patty.
+Oh great. Who are you in love with? Bart?
+Look, if you wanna break up your father and Selma, I have a plan. But it involves you.
+Okay, but I'm not good at details. Or the big picture. I also show up late, and drunk.
+I've got a good feeling about this.
+Lower the drawbridge!
+What's the password?
+I love my sister.
+Hey you little brats, get down from those battlements!
+Those boxes are for shipping, not for creating a world of pure imagination. Give them back!
+Not till we're bored with them! Now begone!
+I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together we shall take back what is ours and Hell will rain down upon you!
+What if we're not here?
+We will come two more times, and then you'll have to come to our customer center!
+It's near the airport where the old Crown Books used to be.
+Hello, Homer.
+Relax, it's just me, Patty.
+Do you have your disguise?
+Hola, I am Esteban de la Sexface. That means Stephen of the Sexface.
+Okay, now let's prepare our mental images so we can kiss each other without barfing.
+Oh baby.
+Selma, how could you?!
+Sorry Abe, we're through.
+I thought we really had something.
+What the hell is going on here?
+Dos Selmas? Ay-yi-yi!
+Homer! Why would you try to break us up?
+I guess I always dreamed that my father would grow old alone.
+Well, nerts to both of ya! Our love is so strong, not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart!
+A thousand, eh?
+I love this woman and I'm gonna make sure she's in my life forever.
+I'm Patty.
+Nice to meet ya. Selma, will you marry me?
+Abe... I... I... yes!
+Homer, say hello to your new maw!
+Nooooooo...
+Dad, don't throw rice, it makes the birds swell up!
+Oh Lisa, that's one of those rumors you get off the internet.
+Hey Selma, want some rice?
+Nothing solves everything forever like a wedding.
+Now to do something I've been looking forward to my whole wedding day.
+I'm glad I waited.
+Now that we're married, I wanna tell you I have one strict policy: no wife of mine ever has to work.
+Are you sure, Abe? They offered me a promotion at the D.M.V. It's longer hours, but we can afford a place of our own.
+Nonsense! When I left PAN AM they said they'd always have a job waiting for me.
+Abe... there's no more PAN AM.
+Oh, I'm an old fool. I don't even have two kidneys to rub together.
+Don't worry, Abe. I can provide for both of us. Now we are on our honeymoon...
+I thought we were at the circus, Lisa.
+Hoo boy.
+Sorry I was at work so late. How'd it go with the baby?
+We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her! I told her how we chased the "Teddy bears" into their cuddle-bunkers, then had to tickle them out with machine-hugs and fun-throwers. They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well sir, it doesn't.
+Who knew guys in brown shirts could cause so much trouble.
+It begins.
+For the Brown Empire!
+Nelson, you came to our side in our hour of need.
+Haaw-haaw!
+We did it! Now we can enjoy Boxingham Palace in peace!
+Want to melt it with a hose?
+Sure, I guess. A couple of birds pooped on it over here.
+Selma--
+Walk with me.
+Spooky.
+The new traffic cones are held up in Harrisburg.
+Go to the costume store. Get a hundred wizard hats and a bucket of orange paint.
+I love that!
+We've lost the answer key for written test number seven!
+A-C-D-A-A-C-B-B-C-A!
+You are what I want to be.
+Selma, the divider broke and the driver's test line is mixing with the license renewal line!
+Hey renewbies, stay on your side!
+You and what line-divider is going to make me?
+I shaved my legs to the knees for this?
+Now to relax with a nice cup of tea.
+Which one of you do-hickeys is the tea kettle?
+Ooh, a flapjack flipper!
+I usually don't cook, but when you're in love you do crazy things! Now I'll just put in a movie to pass the time...
+Let's see... running time two hours...
+Ooh, the kettle's whistlin'!
+Ah, just the way I like it: thick and noxious!
+Uh-oh. Better call the fire brigade!
+Wow, they're already here!
+So that's my projected new driver's test route.
+Nice pres, Selma. But uh... Where's the three-point turn on this baby?
+Um... Bailey Street?
+Bailey Street? The freshly paved Bailey Street? Oh yeah, let's wear that out.
+I'm sorry. I-I've got a lot of stress at home.
+I'm wet and scared and the house hates me!
+Selma, we don't have time for this. This is the D.M.V. -- we're about getting things done!
+Abe... let's go home.
+How will we ever replace her? Oh, I know.
+Why is this so hard? I just wanted to marry my best gal.
+I guess the Beatles were wrong -- love isn't all you need. Abe, I hate to admit it, but maybe this marriage isn't going to work.
+I guess you're right. Also, I didn't realize you liked the Beatles. That would have caused some problems down the line.
+I guess I'm gonna be alone forever.
+Now don't be an idiot. A sweet young tomato like you will definitely find someone. Some young bruiser who can eat corn on the cob and not think twice about it.
+You really think so?
+Absolutely. Now how 'bout givin' an old man one last dance?
+So... how long is Señor Homer out of town for?
+Oh, I don't know, he might come home any minute.
+Then I must flee!
+Where is he? Where is he? I smell his aftershave!
+I don't think we're doing this right.
+Where is he? I know he's in here.
+HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR HOMER / HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
+I don't have to make a wish, because I already have this wonderful family. I wish for infinity hamburgers.
+Oh, I get it. These are those trick candles you can't blow out.
+No, Dad, they're the opposite.
+E-Z Blo...
+This ends now!
+It's okay, Homie. You're probably just tired from not doing anything all day.
+Uh-huh... uh-huh...
+Dad, you're out of shape even for an American.
+I'll just focus on one area... How many did I get? None? That's cool.
+You know how many fires are started by birthday candles? If you do, tell me. It would settle a bet down at the station house. I say five, Gus says a million.
+This disasterette was a real wake up call. We need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables!
+You could buy a fireproof safe.
+Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames.
+Sir, we've been here six times this month.
+Yeah, but uh-- One of those I dialed nine-one-one by mistake, but I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire. It feels good to tell the truth. No, I'm lying again, it feels bad.
+Okay, everyone gets to put one precious item in our fireproof safe. For me, it's the family photo album.
+Aw. Our kids used to be so cute!
+Used to?!
+Oh, deal with it.
+It's so hard to choose just one item worthy of the safe. So I made this elaborate decision tree, which in itself is worthy of preservation.
+Tick tock, sweetie.
+I picked my Malibu Stacy hybrid convertible. It runs on her old makeup and out-of-style shoes.
+I'm going with the cologne I wore on our first date.
+I'm putting in my "Catch A Rising Krusty" doll!
+Where do the kids today get these band names? "The Kinks?" "The Stones?" Sounds like my last physical!
+References.
+No! Wait! Don't--
+Now we have nothing to worry about in the event of a fire except our lives.
+You see all these crazy new electronics? iPod... iTunes... I give up!
+What's that coming out of the safe?
+I don't know. Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil, and soon explode.
+Dad, that's ridiculous.
+What's the deal with this "California pizza"? If I wanted cheese and fruit, I'd have to...
+Nooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments -- it's like what a résumé is for a man.
+I agree, Mom, it's very sad. But we'll have to move on -- it's not like we can restage all our family photos.
+Restage the photos?
+Lisa, you fool! You've doomed us all!
+Okay, we're recreating our series finale party for "Star Trek: Voyager."
+Oh man. I thought I was strong enough to get through this again -- but I'm not.
+Oh, Captain Janeway! Your mission ended too soon! Too soon...
+Our new photos are back!
+That's why I got duplicates!
+Ooo, there's my first saxophone recital!
+Bart looks so cute as a mighty oak in the school play!
+Here I am on the space shuttle, orbiting Earth.
+It sure was nice of NASA to send you up again.
+Oh my God!
+Check out what's happening behind your restaged anniversary dinner!
+Duffman's on a date with Booberella!
+He's supposed to be in a stable long-term gay relationship!
+This is a celebrity scandal! We could sell that photo to a tabloid.
+And they pay big money for photos.
+Marge! This isn't like you.
+Well, it's just about what we need to pay for our fire damage.
+This is good. Real good! Like Lindsay Lohan looking drunk, high and bony. Click, click, career over, see ya in the gutter, freckles. Homer, I'll pay ya two hundred bucks. Bring me more snaps like this, and I'll make you a moderately wealthy man!
+Moderately wealthy?
+Wheeee -- I'm sort of rich! I can rent anything I want!
+That's quite an offer -- can I discuss it with my wife?
+Sure, why not?
+Then I'll do it!
+Oh boy, I can't wait to see Krusty.
+Look, there's his chauffeur-driven Town Car!
+Your head dinged my door panel.
+Jerks like you oughtta be shot!
+Krusty! How 'bout a nice shot of you with the boy you injured?
+Paparazzi?! Get lost, ya parasite!
+How 'bout you, Gabbo?
+Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
+Okay, how 'bout an autograph for my kids?
+Well, when you put it that way... Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
+Okay boy, this is that snooty supermarket all the celebrities shop at. You're gonna help me ambush them. Look at this place. Imported beer? Seedless grapes? Chewing gum?
+The clown on this cereal box is just a person!
+There's the Rich Texan -- and his daughter, Paris Texan.
+C'mon, baby -- barf for mama.
+Okay boy, do something annoying. But leave yourself room to build.
+Hey Paris, I saw a disgusting part of your body on the internet... your face!
+I'm still breaking in this nose!
+Look at those celebrities: I've met them all, and yet they don't even acknowledge my existence.
+Hello, Homer. Have you lost weight?
+Oh, like you care, Betty White.
+Tell me, how's Maggie?
+Her name is Marge.
+I was talking about your baby.
+Oh, uh... she's looking very snappy!
+Thanks for taking my picture! If you want me to sign it, here's a stamped, self-addressed envelope. And give Santa's Little Helper a big hug for me.
+Yeah, that's right, just walk away.
+Beautiful day, isn't it, Freddie? God bless you and yours.
+Dad! It's Drederick Tatum. Try to get him to punch you.
+No problem. Hey Drederick!
+Yes, how can I help you, my handsome friend?
+Your hip hop CD was boastful and unnecessary!
+Okay, here we go.
+That's what I think of the fourth estate!
+What are the first three?
+Nobility, clergy and commoners. Learn your French history!
+Terrific. Outstanding! This has page one written all over it.
+What the hell did you do that for?
+I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.
+Boy, I never thought I'd have my own dark room.
+Yes, but why does it have to be in my bedroom?
+Lis, you can't stay here if you're gonna keep talking.
+It's eleven at night and I can't get to sleep!
+Well, then you could come over here and help daddy pour chemicals.
+Kids. They always say they're not tired when they're the most tired of all.
+Bart gets another try!
+That photo's mine. That photo's mine. That photo's mine.
+Well, I do like the extra money. But I think maybe you should stop exploiting human beings' private misfortunes.
+See Marge, everyone says they hate these magazines, but it's impossible to set them down.
+Oh, it is not! Watch me.
+Sideshow Mel is in a custody battle? And it's turning bitter?
+If you read one more thing it is a purchase.
+Experts disagree on location of Heaven?!
+Purchase!
+Okay, this is the place.
+Did I attach the harness?
+No! Should I attach it for you?
+If you don't mind!
+Thank you!
+Now to make a young woman's wedding day all about me!
+Do you, Rainier Luftwaffe Wolfcastle, take Maria Shriver-Kennedy-Quimby to be your lawful wedded--
+Up, up, and annoy!
+I also wreck bar mitzvahs!
+Is that horrible man gone yet?
+Yes, mother, barring some sort of pendulum effect.
+First Amendment rules, privacy drools!
+Time to squash that shutterbug.
+You promised me one day where you wouldn't swear revenge on someone!
+Promise revoked.
+Greetings, famous faces and sizzling stars.
+Thank you for responding to my e-vite. Krusty, your response was the least funny.
+Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me.
+I'm a visual comedian. Did you get the j-peg?
+Wouldn't open.
+I wish to discuss our mutual enemy, Homer Simpson.
+Now do not worry. In my film "A Future Droid in King Arthur's Court," I learned that it takes a Robo Knight to defeat a Robo Knight.
+And to defeat a paparazzo, it takes this man!
+Let me introduce the world's greatest celebrity shutterbug: Enrico Irritazio.
+Buongiorno!
+How are you gonna help us, Beefaroni?
+Allow me to explain. I take embarrassing pictures of Homer -- harass him day and night. Justice will be served, and I will be a god in your eyes!!!
+See, it is good. I declare this meeting adjourned! Now please, take some sushi. Because if I give it to the dogs, they will think "oh, now I get sushi all the time." And I am not made of sushi.
+Now Maggie, I had to use your car seat to hold the new TV Guide...so I'm gonna hang you from the mirror.
+He's trying to make me look like a bad father. Maggie, take the wheel!
+Ten and two, Einstein!
+Can't I even have privacy here?!
+Scandalous!
+Repugnant!
+Ausgezeichnet!
+I shall make this photo into my screensaver! Somehow.
+How could you publish this? I thought we were friends!
+You call this a drink?
+No, I never called it a drink.
+I have no friends! Friends take time! And time is money! And money pays for things! Like a manicure! And a boiled egg! Get me one of each! But not boiled, poached! Ah, what the hell, it's Friday--scrambled! Sometimes I wish I had a twin. Not that much, though. We'd just fight.
+And then he said he didn't want a twin because they'd just fight.
+Sweetie, maybe it's time you retired from paparazzing. It's never fun to get a taste of your own medicine.
+You're right -- I'm giving up photography...
+And my own medicine!
+So long, anti-clotting agent!
+Clot-clot-clot-clot-clot!
+With Homer Simpson out of the way, we can go back to our lives of sybaritic excess.
+Stem cell fajita?
+Leave the tray.
+Listen to 'em. They're on top of the world while I'm sittin' here pretending I have a stool.
+All because of a bunch of stuff that happened.
+Homer, don't be so quick to abandon this paparazzo thing.
+Yeah, it's an American tradition to cut people down to size because they've brought so much joy into our lives.
+You know who I can't stand? That Robin Williams. Y'know one time I saw him eating dinner with his children, he wouldn't take the time out to do all the funny bits from his movies.
+And my sister once saw Burt Reynolds at an airport, and he wouldn't even co-sign her mortgage.
+You guys are right -- I should get back in the game. But I threw away my camera.
+Uh here, use this one.
+I was gonna use it to take secret photos in the ladies' turlet. But no dames ever come in this joint!
+Thanks, Moe!
+Excuse me, do you have a ladies' room?
+We need to trade bras and panties!
+How do you want your comeuppance: eight by ten or wallet size?
+Celebrities: hide your shame!
+What are you going to do with those photos?
+Nothing.
+Providing you celebrities do something for me.
+I want you all to show some respect for the people who made you what you are. Sign an autograph or two... support a charity for something that hasn't happened to a member of your family... let one of us regular guys write a terrible children's book!
+We will take the deal. As a sign of good faith, I invite you and your family to a barbecue on my offshore party platform.
+It is good doing real things with real people.
+Say, Rainier, you're in show business. Would you mind taking a look at this screenplay I wrote?
+Oh sorry, I do not read unsolicited manuscripts.
+Well, at least it got made.
+Next item on the agenda...
+I'm afraid that due to funding cuts, we've had to sell the Science Department skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume.
+Thank you, Willie. Now please return it to its plastic snap case.
+Moving on, our class trip to Italy is now spaghetti night at Papa John's, and your fifteen-hundred dollar deposits will not be refunded.
+Ooh, Papa John's.
+We will conclude by passing around a sheet on which I would like everyone's email address.
+What's wrong?
+I can't fill out that clipboard. I... don't have email.
+Just click "Agree"!
+Oh Marge, you gotta get on the net. It's got all the best conspiracy theories. Did you know that Hezbollah owns Little Dolly Snack Cakes? This stuff will rock your world.
+Fine, I'll log onto Wahoo or Yippy or A-O-K, or Pooka-dooka, or whatever it's called.
+Can we move this meeting along? I pay my taxes, I expect my orange drink.
+Ambrosia!
+And this website will tell you the weather.
+"Sunny"?
+I never have to look out the window again!
+Paper towels for sixty-nine cents... sixty-eight cents... sixty-six cents! Kids, get in the car! We're going to Pennsylvania!
+Six hundred twenty-nine thousand results. Wow! And all this time I thought "Googling yourself" meant the other thing.
+It's our house! But what's that thing?
+Everyone can see you! Get inside!
+Just put on a towel!
+Why don't I just put on a dress?!
+Homer, you've met my parents.
+Not naked, I haven't.
+That internet has it all. Today I found I had the same birthday as Randy Quaid, I MapQuested a great new route to the armory, and I got a list of local houses where I'm not letting you kids trick or treat anymore!
+I'm proud of you, Mom. You're like Christopher Columbus -- you discovered something millions of people knew about before you.
+I sent everyone I know an e-card for St. Patrick's Day... but not one person wrote me back! Maybe if I hit "Refresh"...
+Still nothing. But maybe now. Or now. The only thing that changes is the banner ad.
+"Earthland Realms"?
+"Earthland Realms" is a multiplayer online role-playing game. Do you agree to the following terms and conditions?
+"For amusement only"... "Credit card information may be sold to Korean gangsters"...
+Step one, create your character.
+Let's see -- what kind of goofy goobly should I be?
+Whoa! Look at those bazooms!
+Who designed this character? Probably a man...
+I can make her look any way I want -- let's see... hair: blue, shoes: sensible, body type: Olive Oyl.
+Face: other.
+That's better. Now, let's role... play!
+Wow -- it's like a renaissance fair, but without all the chubby couples!
+This is really annoying.
+You're tellin' me.
+Greetings, cleric! Will you undertake a quest on my behalf?
+Maybe I should run this by my husband first.
+Things are more fun if you just answer "yes."
+Then "yes" -- hither me forth on mine arduous quest!
+Once again, just "yes."
+First, you must find the Armandahl of Nuxinor...
+All I see is that rock.
+You have found it!!!
+Okay... activate my level seven power stones... wield the orb of oblivion... And zap!
+Hm... needs more goat soul.
+What are you kids doing up so late?
+We just got up.
+It's seven a.m.
+I was on the computer all night!
+Actually, it's Saturday.
+I played a day and a night!
+Bart, it's not Saturday.
+I should get some sleep...
+I better check on my elf-self!
+Thank you -- come again.
+Mrs. Homer! How nice to see you in the Realms.
+How did you get in my game? Are you a virus?
+Oh no! I too am online playing! That cobra king over there is actually Snake.
+The prison guards think I'm getting my online law degree. Ha, ha!
+And that beguiling enchantress is Mrs. Krabappel!
+This game is a great way to meet eligible men who can afford a computer...
+...or have access to one at the school library.
+It's amazing how you can be a turkey in every reality.
+What's important is we're talking.
+I'm Moe. I'm playin' this while I'm on the can.
+Wow, Moe -- you're a troll!
+What? No, my character's supposed to look like me. Why does everyone keep thinking I'm a troll?
+Who are we hiding from?
+The Shadow Knight! Where he rides, death is sure to follow.
+The Shadow Knight? He's the most evil, destructive player in this game. He once beat me to death with my own life bar.
+Who dares battle with the Shadow Knight?
+He was a good man.
+A good, moist man.
+Ew, I can't watch this.
+Another senseless killing by... the Shadow Knight!
+My son is an evil knight! The most successful evil knight in all the Earthland Realms! Not bad.
+Aye carumba, what a day!
+Brave sir knight?
+What is it, Lady Milhouse?
+I'm not a lady, it's a spell. A spell you said you'd reverse.
+Yeah, yeah, it's on my list.
+Anyway, someone's here to see you.
+...our duties as firemen.
+Hi, Bart! It's your mom! I'm in your videogame with you!
+Why Milhouse, don't you look pretty.
+It's a spell! And thank you.
+Mom, what are you doing in my game?! How would you like it if I suddenly started going shopping with you?
+I'd like that very much.
+Uh, what can I get ya, Mr. Shadow Knight, sir? Grog? Grog light? Diet grog with lemon?
+Just wring the blood from this pixie head.
+Yes, sir.
+Hi everybody! How do you play this game?
+Now flog yourself with this mace while reciting the Goblin's Code!
+Goblin's Code, yes sir!
+All goblins must be free of visible worms. In the presence of a lady, a goblin must remove his hat and ears.
+Bart, are you drinking?!
+You're making me look bad in front of my minions!
+If they think less of you because of me, then they're not really your minions.
+I am going off to explore the Crevices of Lagrimmar.
+Great, I'll come with you. Shouldn't you bundle up? Here, let me enchant your pants.
+Hey, Lisa, self-conscious about your shins? In my day, girls were worried about their boobs.
+Dad, I'm going to play soccer.
+I fell in love with the game when I saw "Bend It Like Beckham."
+Father, I am proud of my cultural heritage, but I also love soccer!
+You tell him, Jesminder!
+Jumpin' Johnnycakes! Those dames are cheesed.
+I forbid you to bend it like Beckham. Plus, you must marry this complete stranger...
+His father is an important business acquaintance of mine. Love counts for nothing!
+You tell her, Mr. Dhanabhai -- Business contacts are more important than love!
+Wait, that's soccer? I always called it "human foosball." Would you like me to take you to your game?
+You already promised you would.
+Do I have to?
+Uh-huh. Okay, Morty, I'll tell them. Sorry, ladies. We got no referee, so the game's been canceled. I'm sorry. I'm sure you're very disappointed.
+What happened to the ref?
+He quit! Being a ref is a thankless job... the parents hate ya... the only upside is the kids share their snack with you.
+Did someone say "snack"?
+I'll be your ref!
+Dad, where'd you get that outfit?
+I got fired from Foot Locker.
+What'sa matter, buddy? The American flag not good enough for ya?
+That was my father!
+I'm your father now.
+I'm open! I'm open!
+So... tired.
+Could someone bring me another barf cone?
+So... I thought it went real well. Until I swallowed the whistle.
+You don't even know the rules! This could be my new thing, and you're turning it into a joke!
+Hilarious joke?
+Sadly, no. I'm disappointed with the way you acted today... but I'm not surprised.
+Oh, let's see, should I take the "Trail of Death," or the "Path of Doom?" Maybe I should just go back.
+Is this Wall Street Journal online?
+Well, well -- looks like something's finally about to happen in this game.
+Just in time. I was about to go to the Pottery Barn site to get design ideas.
+It's the Shadow Knight!
+I forget how to do that!
+Control-shift-R--
+Thank you, Bart -- this frame grab's going on my coffee cup.
+You guys wanna meet at the Kwik-E-Mart?
+I'm in the tub right now.
+I'm in Denmark!
+Hand ball! Direct kick!
+Dad, I'm impressed! You've become a much better referee.
+Thanks, honey. After what you said to me, I watched hours and hours of soccer. I almost saw a goal! But there were so many ads for Spanish cell phones...
+Do it, sweetie! Save our troubled marriage!
+Foul on twenty-three!
+That's crazy! Your daughter just tripped on her own clumsy feet!
+Come on, Lisa. Admit it!
+Um, uh...
+I'm a spectator addressing a player, answer me!
+I said foul on twenty-three!
+You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you!
+Helen, please. Don't drop the "J" bomb.
+Well I'm throwing you both out of the game!
+Ow! She tripped me. Ow! Owww!
+Foul on the other girl. Lisa gets a penalty kick, and every other kid has to pay her a dollar!
+That is an outrage! Your daughter's been floppin' all day!
+She has not! Your daughter's a dirty player!
+Sir, I have sired a dum-dum, a mush-head, a what'sit, a dog boy, and somethin' with a human face and fish body what we called Kevin. But my young'uns is not dirty players!
+I don't need a soccer lecture from a hillbilly!
+That's hill-William to you, sir!
+How about a lecture from me -- Ronaldo?
+Ronaldo?! Winner of two World Cups and three FIFA player of the year awards?
+Yes, I am what you said. Now I travel the world exposing floppers. And your daughter is a flopper. Now, Ronaldo away!
+You heard Geraldo. What's it gonna be?
+Yellow card!
+You can't give me a yellow card?! You're my father!
+When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore. And judging by how tight they are, I'm never gonna be anyone else's either.
+This is what I think of your yellow card!
+Un-sportsman-like conduct.
+That's a red card. You're out of the game!
+But, but...
+Another family broken up by Ronaldo! Yes!
+What a fun quest! Aren't you glad I made you take that nap in the middle?
+Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me just put this holy grail in my trophy room.
+Where's all my stuff?!
+I thought all the swords and severed heads were kind of gory so I redecorated using the Hello Kitty expansion pack.
+Mom? Mom?
+I was killed... by my own son.
+How could you kill your own mother?
+It was just a game. A game I used to enjoy before you mommed all over it.
+Lisa, sweetie, I was just following the rules.
+Great. The one time you actually do something right, you ruin my life.
+I think I'll go to bed.
+It's five in the afternoon!
+Who cares? I'm dead.
+Yeah, in Idaho.
+Son, I'll never understand women if I live to be forty.
+Big if!
+You said it -- enjoy me while I last.
+Wanna go slam a few beers?
+Wanna watch me?
+You know it.
+What'sa matter, Homer and Bart?
+Lisa's mad at me and Marge is mad at him.
+Well, I'm just the bartender here, but it seems to me you could win Lisa back by appealing to her sense of reason. And you could win your Mom back by appealing to her feelings.
+Gee Moe, you give great advice.
+Yeah. What have you done with the real Moe?
+Lisa, honey, I bought you something. A DVD!
+Not interested.
+It's a documentary... by the B.B.C... in cooperation with Canal Plus...
+Gimme, gimme, gimme!
+Brighton, England, nineteen eighty-five. Manchester United plays Sussexton Hamptonshire-on-Leith when a deadly riot breaks out in the stands.
+Oi, your boy's a flopper, he is!
+No he isn't, he isn't!
+Your mother can kiss me bum!
+Twenty-two years later, this riot is still going on.
+Last year in Brazil, an on-field scuffle turned so violent locals say a statue of the Virgin Mary came alive...and beat the holy snot out of everyone.
+Mom, I'm gonna give you life the way I imagine you gave me life: by pressing alt-F-5 repeatedly.
+Bart?! You brought me back to life!
+As best you could.
+Haw-haw.
+Sweetie, are you here to forgive me?
+But to get that DVD I had to become a PBS subscriber! Now I'm paying for crap like American Masters!
+Dad, I can't forgive you because there's nothing to forgive.
+You were right to kick me out of that game. Soccer was making me insane, just as it did the continents of Europe and South America.
+Those places are pretty terrible.
+So from now on I'll play soccer for the same reason I study chemistry -- for fun!
+Do you want to play a little?
+I sure do.
+Wait'll I tell the other moms you gave two-thirds of your life force to save me. What a good boy.
+He's weak!
+Slay him and take his experience points!
+Wait! Stop! If you kill me, I'll egg your houses in real life!
+It's still worth it!
+I live in a loft!
+Ow! My jewels!
+All right! I got his flame sword!
+THE SHADOW KNIGHT SHALL RULE NO MORE / WE'VE SPILT HIS BLOOD UPON THE FLOOR / WITH A HI AND A HO AND A TROLLY LOLLY LAY / IT'S THE JOLLY MERRY MONTH OF MAY!
+Don't worry, honey. I'll hunt down our friends who murdered you one by one.
+Whatever. I'm gonna go play outside.
+Look what I can do!
+I have taught you well.
+Too well.
+Mom, are you sure you don't wanna play?
+No, no. I'm fine.
+Why am I payin' fourteen ninety-five a month for this?
+Homer, what took you so long? The game's almost over.
+Oh, that's long gone, baby. Long gone.
+I got hung up at the snack stand -- watching those hot dogs rolling and turning, not a care in the world.
+No more lazy Saturdays for you.
+Strike two!
+By my calculations, we're only one strike away from victory.
+This is it, boys -- One more out and we go to the championship game. Let's do it for Groundskeeper Willie... who made me this beautiful black bicep warmer!
+It keeps me naughty hands busy.
+I got it -- I got it!
+I hogged it! I hogged it!
+My son caught the ball! This makes up for everything that's gone wrong in my life or ever will!
+I'm also pleased!
+After years of failure in everything we've attempted, we are one victory away from a championship, people. And our newfound glory is all due to these wonderful boys.
+Behold, my naked butt!
+Each cheek is a god to you!
+Now Bart, stay humble! Your baseball cap won't fit over a swelled head.
+Flanders, these boys have earned the right to behave like arrogant oafs.
+Can we egg the crowd?
+In this modern-day Deadwood you can do anything.
+Smithers, I'm missing the fun!
+Upsy-daisy, sir.
+Ah, what glorious goo!
+I need a dress to wear for my son's big game. He's the star, I'm his mom, and he's my son.
+Mm-hmm, you've mentioned his name and batting average several times.
+Well, he's done very well for someone who came out blue and backwards.
+Listen, do you mind if I hum while you talk?
+Not at all!
+I hate shopping. I'm bored, my feet hurt, I'm too big for the choo-choo train... hmm, where's the "husband chair?"
+Unless you're serving me a cold beer, you keep moving.
+There must be another chair.
+Uh-uh. My wife's lookin' for a bathing suit that doesn't make her look "horsey". So, I'm gonna be here a while.
+I guess I could just sit on a bed...
+Wow, this is soft...
+Sure feels weird lying on top of the covers.
+Sure feels weird lying in bed with my pants on.
+What in the name of-- Hey, you!
+How many?!
+Are you sleeping in the middle of my department store?
+Well, who wouldn't with an incredible mattress like this? It works with my body's natural curves and supports my back-boobs.
+That's the best endorsement I've heard since Mickey Mantle for Maypo! I'll take five mattresses.
+I don't work here.
+You do now, son! You're hired!
+Woo hoo!
+All this fuss for a baseball game? Why don't thousands come to watch a teacher inspire a child?
+But it did happen. Just yesterday, in Crazytown.
+So in the amber gloaming of this September afternoon, Shelbyville has the bases loaded, but the Isotots only need one out to win the championship and get that pizza party at Luigi's! Luigi's -- they deliver on flavor, but not to your house!
+Damas y caballeros, if the Isotots win, please do not fire your guns in the air. The bullets will come down! And kill my sister.
+A lazy pop fly to star shortstop Bart Simpson. And this should do it!
+Now for the defining moment of my life...
+Pick it up! / Throw it home!
+Simpson drops the ball! And he kicks it!
+And he kicks it again! And again! Aw it's horrible, but you can't take your eyes away! It's like watching a monkey swallow a hand grenade.
+The Isotots lose the pennant! The Isotots lose the pennant!
+Boooooooooooooooo...oooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
+Bart, you choked!
+I put on fresh makeup for this?
+Knock it off! He's just a kid!
+Aw, hey that's the guy what created him! If Homer had used some protection, we'd all be poopin' roses on easy street!
+Hey, get off my case! He's the choke artist!
+Quick, Bart, Bart, get in!
+Thanks, Chief.
+Don't mention it, son.
+He's back! Go nuts, everyone!
+Boooooooooooooooo!
+Bart's coming down!
+Hide the sports section!
+Good morning, sweetie.
+There's nothing you can say. After that game, my life is over.
+Was there even a baseball game yesterday? I don't remember!
+Marge, we were just talking about it a few seconds ago.
+Don't you have to get to your job as a mattress salesman?
+Oh yeah, let's see where that goes.
+Let me tell you about a land where it rains beer and hails pretzels, and you can play swim-up blackjack with Abraham Lincoln! It's the land of sleep. And your passport: a simple mattress.
+Yes, I need to be able to sleep through my wife's nagging, and my eight horrible babies and the anguished howls of my ancestors.
+A common problem. Try this.
+Ooh! I feel like I'm floating on a river of corpses.
+Homer, we have a friend -- actually, a friend of a friend--
+Sex problem, eh?
+Homer, please! They can hear you in fine china!
+Relax. I'm a licensed mattress professional, if there were such a thing. And I've got the answer to your problems -- the Snugulux, by Matrimonium!
+Oooh, sold!
+And remember: your most intimate secrets are safe with me. Okay, who else is dead in bed?
+You're listening to KBBL, your official "Bart Simpson sucks" station!
+Oh-ho, and here comes another "Bash Bart Block," starting with this entry from Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney!
+BART STINKS...
+YEAH, YEAH
+BART STINKS
+BART STINKS / YEAH, YEAH...
+BART STINKS...
+My favorite song -- ruined!
+Bart, come with me. I'll take you to someone who will make you feel better.
+Is it my rabbit Cottontail? The one who went to live upstate?
+He died, Bart. Dad buried him in the back yard. But not in that order.
+Bart, meet Joe LaBoot.
+LaBoot, LaBoot. Sounds familiar.
+Well, you probably remember me from the nineteen forty-three World Series. With the score tied in game seven, Tommy Heinrich of the Yankees hit a ball in my direction.
+Jugglin' Joe LaBoot they called me. When I finally picked up the ball, I threw it into the stands...hitting Eleanor Roosevelt, who up till then had been a great beauty.
+We lost the game and the series. But I bounced back -- got my own car dealership. I have seventeen grandchildren and a big home in Idaho. It's a great life!
+And at these card shows, the fans let me know that I've put my gaffe behind me.
+You stink, LaBoot!
+No I don't! Google my stats! Take it from me, kid -- you'll be just fine!
+Feel better now, Bart?
+"Bart?!" Are you Bart Simpson?
+The kid who dropped that easy fly ball?! You stink like a Dutchman's throw-up. Talking to you was the biggest error of my life!
+Boo. Boo, indeed.
+The Lovejoys?! If this is about me drinking that holy water, let me tell you I had had like a million Doritos -- you know, the ones with the flame on the bag? Oh-ho, that bag ain't lyin'!
+We're here about the mattress.
+What's wrong with it?
+We tried raising Cain but we weren't able.
+Oh, I think I know what you're doing wrong. Have you tried...
+I know the mechanics of lovemaking, Homer! You owe us a refund!
+I'll write you a check.
+Pay to the order of... Stupid Reverend... memo: bite my ass ... Wha?!
+Homer, I'm not a man who believes in miracles, but this bed of yours could resurrect our sex life!
+If you let us have your mattress, we'll give you ours.
+On one condition: you do the shlepping.
+Well, I'll have to check with my wife.
+Move over just a...
+Well, maybe if you go...
+Wrong, wrong, wrong!
+I'm sorry, Homie -- I want to snuggle, but I'm just not feeling it.
+Yeah... something has changed, but I can't figure out what. Our mattress! I traded it to the Lovejoys!
+You traded our mattress? I had my secret cash in it!
+It was made for Elvis, but he found it tacky.
+I can't believe a mattress could make that much difference...
+THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE, I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE
+OH GLORY / THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE, I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE.
+EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY, YAY, YAY... YAY!
+Lousy Reverend. He's having my sex! While I'm at home with Marge not doing anything sexual or erotic.
+A damp sponge will take care of this weak, water-based... it's oil-based! Oil-based!
+Fetch Daddy's thinner, boy.
+But it's in the "stay away" closet!
+You just fetch it!
+Who would do this to Bart?
+The person who hates Bart more than anyone else. Look!
+Oh, yeah, that's really something.
+Mom, put your glasses on.
+But they make me look dowdy...
+My baby!
+See? I hate me too! Now we can be friends again!
+Bart, stop! No one's mad at you anymore! Right?
+Jump! Who said that?
+I hate Bart Simpson!
+I got him! I got him!
+You stink LaBoot!
+Dammit!
+He'll be all right. Right now he just needs peace and quiet.
+Bart sucks! Bart sucks! Bart sucks! Bart sucks!
+You should all be ashamed! Passing judgment on a child for a sports boo-boo! What have you people ever done?
+Well, I wrote a best-selling series of mystery novels.
+Stephen King called it "scary good fun."
+Besides that!
+Now, thanks to you, my special little guy will be haunted by this for the rest of his life.
+I always thought that was just a slogan to attract small businesses. But now I know it's the truth.
+Okay, Midge. You made us feel bad about what we done to your boy. But what can we do about it now? It's not like we can play the game over again.
+Can't we?
+Like I just said, we can't.
+Are you sure?
+Open your freakin' ears -- no!
+I think maybe we cou-ould.
+And I say I have difficulty envi-sioning it.
+Let me get this straight -- you want our boys to play a fake rematch against Springfield, so your son can make the catch he missed, and feel better about himself.
+Exactly.
+I guess I could, if you pretend to be my fiancé when my mother comes to visit.
+Okay. If you pretend to be our chauffeur at my high school reunion.
+Fine, fine -- if you pretend to be a ghost at an old amusement park I'm trying to buy.
+We should stop now.
+You want me to re-announce a game I've already called? Oh, sister, I've got too much integrity. The same integrity Farmer Dan puts into every link sausage.
+Then I guess you wouldn't mind eating one.
+Of course I wouldn't. It's not like they're made of skunk tails and horse nipples...
+I'll do whatever you say! Get that death wiener away from me!
+I'm starting to feel funny about doing this.
+Look, we're just gonna take our mattress, do a quick sweep of the medicine chest, then we're outta here.
+Homer, stop that.
+There it is -- ol' bounce 'n' giggle.
+You put on the Michael Bolton CD, I'll put on my edible vestments.
+Oh my God!
+How dare you break into our house, defile our bed, and smash our family photos with your foot.
+Well, excuse me, for being a powerful yet careless lover.
+Reverend Lovejoy, our marriage needs this bed.
+Our marriage needs it more!
+Well, I am reminded of the story of wise King Solomon.
+You would be.
+I wish he hadn't cut it that way -- it looks like a grilled-cheese sandwich.
+Or a chicken club... or a Reuben... or a Monte Cristo... or a... Pull over behind that billboard!
+You really wanna make love on half a mattress behind a billboard?
+It's like our honeymoon all over again. Aw, we even have the same bum looking at us.
+I knew you kids would make it. Man, you got fat.
+So, it's déjà vu all over again, as Springfield needs just one out to win the game and the championship. Who'da thunk it? Probably everyone who was here the last time.
+I still can't believe it. They dusted the plate with a non-regulation brush, so we have to play the last inning over again.
+I think this time it'll have a happier ending.
+Why do you think that?
+Uh... uh... They warned me not to talk to you!
+Who warned you?
+Nobody!
+Uh... the batter hit it by accident, not by design.
+Play ball!
+Er, uh, that is also a do-over 'cause, um... er, uh...
+There's a naked idiot on the field!
+Woo hoo!
+Play ball.
+I did it! I did it! I did it!
+And the seventy-eighth time is the charm. Now over the left field wall, the real show's about to begin -- the glorious sunrise. Brought to you by God! The invisible giant you turn to when you're about to die.
+Hey Milhouse, did I ever tell you about the catch I made when I was ten? Greatest moment of my life...
+It was a fake, you idiot! We did it to make you feel better.
+A fake? Then I did suck! I do suck!
+No, that was a fake just now! You did make the catch!
+I knew it! I rule! And you drool!
+Boy, our son can be a real jerk. Hey, you wanna have ghost sex?
+I keep telling you, ghost sex is nothing. It's worse than nothing.
+Then why were you moaning last time?
+Because I'm a ghost!
+A ghost!
+Oooh, the new issue of "Smothering Mother Magazine."
+"Are Bees Building Hives In Your Diaper Genie?"...
+"The Deadly Truth About Oxygen"...
+Is your baby a suckaholic?!
+Experts see new links between pacifier overuse and low achievement!
+Maggie. Honey, this is for your own good. Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
+Maybe it was the same person who tied each of the dog's feet to a toy car.
+It's true -- I've given up everything but raisins. And the doctor says they're killin' me. Sweet, plump coffin nails is what they are.
+Maggie, I'm sorry you miss your pacifier. But when a mother makes a decision, she has to stick by it.
+Okay, okay, you can have it back!
+I can't believe you listened to this magazine. It's a Larry Flynt publication!
+Lisa! Stop reading mastheads!
+I can't -- I won't!
+Where's your father with those pacifiers?
+I couldn't find Maggie's brand, but I got every other kind I could find. How about "Syntho-Nip?"
+"Kiddy Cork?" "Thumbstitute?" "AccuTeat?" "Bink 182?"
+Wanna suck on the receipt?
+Make her stop!
+You make her stop! I've had her all day!
+I can't take it anymore!
+Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt? Larry Flynt?
+Good work, boy. Just for that, we're gonna treat your heart murmur, not just "see how it goes."
+Stupid baby... growing her brain... on my dime!
+Are you counting sheep all night long?
+He needs heeeeeelp!
+Help from a druuuuug!
+That help is here. Meet "Nappien."
+Nappien activates your brain's napping centers, and attacks your body's awake-agens. And unlike Sleepia, it won't cause foot fattening or elbow stink.
+Okay Nappien, do your stuff.
+It's not working! You lousy, worthless piece of--
+What a wonderful night's sleep. Thank you methasorbizone tartrate, also known as Nappien.
+Last night, someone ate all the food in the fridge.
+And someone used our videotapes as dominoes!
+Homer, I think you dominoed this.
+That's ridiculous. If I had set up those dominoes, I'd be wearing my special domino-setting up kneepads.
+It was you.
+How is that possible?
+I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien -- I mean Nappien.
+See? "May cause dry mouth, mood swings, and nighttime kookiness."
+Mood swings?! Mood swings. Mood swings!
+Mood swings? Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings! Mood swings, mood swings! Mood swings!
+Nappien, you did it again! And everything is as it should be.
+John Lennon?!
+So you're the one behind all these hi-jinx at the Rock 'N' Roll Wax Museum.
+Mr. Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies?
+Well son, your Uncle Homer is, like eighty percent of America, whacked-out on prescription drugs.
+But users are losers.
+You're confusing drugs with druuuuugs.
+Okay, here's the solution -- I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside, so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
+Why don't you just quit taking the pills, you hophead?
+Because I'm filled with stress!
+I have three kids and no money! Why can't I have no kids and three money?
+Why am I sleeping when right next door is every boy's dream: a fat, suggestible zombie dad.
+Hey zombie -- wanna come out and play?
+Zombie kill.
+No, play!
+Zombie file grievance.
+Whoa, your dad's a zombie? Let's make him give us haircuts.
+How does it look?
+And that's only one of the cool things we're gonna do with him...
+Zombie montage:
+My stomach is groaning with walnut meat.
+C'mon, just one more.
+What the?! My car?! Milhouse?! Nutmeat?!
+Oh my God! What have I done?!
+You've horribly injured the whole fire department!
+What are you, a travel agent? 'Cause you're sending me on a guilt trip.
+While our brave firemen recuperate...
+Springfield is a town without a fire department. Which is bad news for people like this man.
+Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
+Not as bad as knowing that somewhere, gays are marrying each other. That's the real emergency, Kent.
+Once again, crisis has brought out the best in us.
+I feel kinda responsible. Maybe I should volunteer to be a fireman.
+Volunteer fireman? Count me in.
+Just call me Fireman Skinner.
+Ya know, I think I'll volunteer, too.
+Why did you say "too?"
+Well, I assume I'm not the first one.
+It is with great pride that I turn over the safety of this city to the first four people who showed up.
+Your sense of civic duty, and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher, are all the training you need or shall receive.
+We're here to join the volunteer fire department.
+You're too late -- beat it!
+Lousy civilians -- I wish I could burn 'em all.
+Easy there, Fire Chief Moe.
+Oh, I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?
+That's just someone barbecuing.
+Is that one?
+That's a guy with red hair.
+Sweetheart, come to dinner.
+I can't! That fire siren could sound at any moment.
+Any moment...
+Any moment...
+Did I say any moment?
+Any moment...
+What the hell is that?
+That's the fire siren!
+Woo hoo!
+Marge, when you see me next I'll be a soggy, smoky hero. Mmm, soggy, smoky hero.
+Just come back alive, okay?
+Don't tell me how to do my job!
+You save-a Luigi's place! Luigi give you all-a the food you want! On the house!
+Hey, this is sweet, huh? Almost makes up for not gettin' paid.
+We don't get what?
+Oh, thank you. Your jaws of life are superior to my movie "Jaws Of Life." You guys are the real deal -- as opposed to my movie "The Real Deal," which was not the real deal.
+Well, uh, your thanks makes it all worth it.
+Of all the nerve.
+Burns stiffed us!
+No, I must thank you properly, with crew jackets from my less successful films. "Total Explosion," "Father of the Presi-bot," "I Shoot Your Face," "I Shoot Your Face Again," "Frankenberry the Movie Two: The Frankenberry Wears Prada..."
+Oooh, leather arms! People just give you this stuff?
+Hey, it's the least they can do after we saved them from being melty-faced weirdoes.
+We are entitled to some sort of compensation. After all, we're volunteers.
+That's right, Pu. People owe us because we're heroes. It's even on my business card.
+I printed them on the back of my old business cards. See? It's different.
+Mr. Burns, jump into this net!
+What's in it for me?!
+Just jump!
+So, I see by your tie you're a Yale man, too. Let's croon, shall we? BOOLA BOOLA / BOOLA BOOLA...
+Well done, gentlemen. Too bad Smithers didn't make it.
+I'm right here, sir.
+Excellent. But since I thought you were dead, you won't get paid this week. Make a note of it.
+Doesn't seem quite fair...
+But you four... you're the real heroes.
+/ It's weren't nothin', really. / Just doin' our job. /
+What do you think he will give us?
+Fine art, I bet!
+No, no, no, the complete "Munsters" on DVD!
+I hope it's spaghetti!
+Thank you, and goodbye.
+Ta-ta, toodle-loo.
+Go back to your tenements, where the O'Briens live next to the Goldbergs, who rub elbows with Antonellis, and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your chamber pot. Oh how I hate you! Bye-bye.
+I can't believe he acted completely in character.
+Lousy burns so ungrateful, I hate him so much...
+Hold on a second, fellas -- I don't like the looks of that flamin' ember.
+I'd better blow it out. Ha, ha, ha.
+Oh, the fire has spread to this room full of valuables. And it's our duty to follow it.
+Well, the fire's out... but uh, I think some of these valuables are smoke damaged. He's not gonna want 'em.
+Moe, are you suggesting that we should steal?
+Whoa, whoa, whoa. It ain't stealin' if you take it fast.
+Gentlemen, I'd like to thank you. You've saved my store.
+Well... most of it.
+What do you mean?
+Uh, well, your building will be fine, but unfortunately a lot of your merchandise was completely vaporized: high-end stereo equipment, size ten men's shoes...
+And some stuff I wanted.
+Oh my, I didn't think the damage was that bad. But you must be telling the truth -- you're firemen, after all.
+Yeah, we're awesome. This'll make a great toilet seat!
+Uh, gentlemen... I'm uh... I'm starting to wonder if we've crossed a line here.
+Just what are you getting at?
+Yeah, Hall Pass -- you better not be thinkin' of rattin' us out!
+It would be a shame if the next fire you fought... was in Hell!
+Okay, okay. I'll just look the other way.
+You guys sure aren't making this easy.
+Oh, thank God there's a fire. Marge's birthday's comin' up.
+I think what she would treasure most is a gift bought through honest effort. Because...
+...integrity... trust... exploitation... the golden rule... role models... serious crime... zero tolerance... the Ten Commandments...
+Next time Maggie does that in a pool, tell me quietly, don't announce it.
+But Mom, the lifeguards have to know.
+Just let the chemicals deal with it.
+Look at me! I'm a fireman!
+Hey, Mom, can we go see Dad put out the fire?
+Well, I guess every boy should see his father as a hero.
+Hey guys, check out the radical-free air generated by my stolen Ionic Breeze.
+Oh, bogus gizmo, grant me eternal life.
+Mom, is Dad stealing from people he's supposed to help?
+King of thieves. We worship you.
+He is stealing!
+Well, uh...
+Look at me, guys!
+I'm stealing five Segways at once! And speaking of segues, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity!
+You're nothing but a diabolical master thief. The kind that haunts the slopes of San Moritz or the casinos of Monte Carlo.
+We're not thieves, we're scavengers! Like the beautiful vulture, or the heroic tapeworm, or America's sweetheart, the maggot.
+You should've seen the faces of your children when they caught you stealing. Kids, get in here and show your father the faces!
+Make them stop!
+You make them stop -- by doing the right thing.
+Moe, can we talk?
+Are you crazy? It's five hundred degrees in here!
+Oh no, wait, it's only four ninety-five. What's on your mind?
+Moe, I think we may have perverted...
+First Skinner, now you. Well, maybe you've got a point. Maybe we... ...a solid gold grandfather clock!
+This thing's hotter than Ellen Barkin!
+Moe, I can save you but you have to let go of the clock.
+But it's been in my family for over forty seconds.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What about Nabu?
+Apu is dead. I was reincarnated as this cat.
+You've just been Apu'd!
+My baby! My baby! ...could do worse than grow up to be like you, sir.
+Let's hear it for Homer!
+So Daddy saved Apu and Moe, and believe me, we learned our lesson.
+What'd you do with all the loot?
+We sent it to skid row where it would do the most good.
+Look at me, I'm the bum of the future!
+Oh man, I love Oktoberfest. Oktoberfest!
+Sorry sir, this is a harvest festival -- no alcohol. I'm gonna have to confiscate those steins.
+Springfield squash -- the most fibrous variety of yellow squash!
+We drove fifty miles to look at a stupid pile of vegetables?
+That's it, buster -- you just bought yourself ten minutes watching that man make a wagon wheel.
+Wagon wheels were the internet of the nineteenth century!
+Really?
+This winning cornucopia is magnificent.
+Styrofoam?
+You stuffed your horn?!
+What? Everybody does it...
+I can testify at the trial.
+Ain't gon' be no trial.
+Ooh, look! Pine-cone first ladies!
+Where the hell is Abigail Adams?! Oh, there she is. Where the hell is Mary Todd Lincoln?! Oh, she's right there. Where the hell is Ida Saxton McKinley?! Oh I see. Where the hell is--
+Dad, look, a corn maze!
+"Betcha can't solve our maze?" I didn't come here to be insulted. We're leaving!
+Sure is a lot of corn in this parking lot.
+Dad, we're in the maze.
+Dad, why don't you throw me in the air, and I can see which way is out.
+Corn... More corn... Another kid getting' thrown in the air... witch's coven... Seattle Space Needle... Amateur production of "You Can't Take It With You"... I'm getting dizzy... And corn again.
+Maybe we should split up.
+Split up?! Marge, no! We can fix this marriage!
+No, no, I didn't mean--
+Fine, you want out? Then go! I can make it on my own! Before I met you I had friends and dreams!
+I was talking about--
+Oh please take me back. The dating scene is a nightmare. I'm begging you!
+I just meant we should split up to get out of this corn maze.
+Deep down, I... I guess I knew that.
+Now there must be a way out!
+Of our marriage?! I don't want to live!
+Hey, this maze is made of corn!
+I'm so sick of being lost. To hell with maze etiquette! I'm walking straight outta here!
+Dammit!
+How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?
+Finally! I knew we could solve that maze using Tremaux's algorithm.
+Told you.
+No you didn't -- your plan was to burn the corn.
+That was never my plan.
+I'm lost and I'm starving!
+Eat some corn!
+I don't have any holders!
+Now don't worry, ma'am, we'll send a member of our elite canine unit in to find your husband's corpse. Living corpse.
+Say hello to Officer Jaws!
+Uh Chief, I'm afraid Officer Jaws is guilty of littering -- and here's the litter!
+Okay, everyone -- puppy party at my house!
+Don't worry! Our dog'll find my Dad! We need you, boy!
+We need you!
+Good boy! Now go find Homer!
+He needs something with your father's scent.
+Maybe there's something in Dad's backpack.
+A sports bra?
+He just needs it for walking upstairs.
+This maze is too hard for me.
+"To my wife Marge -- in case I don't make it, here are my Oscar picks for next year: Best Sound Effects Editing, the team from--"
+Your dog's quite a tracker.
+Say... has he ever thought about a career in law enforcement?
+Um... I don't think he's ever thought about anything.
+Santa's Little Helper would be an awesome police dog! Can he, Dad? Can he?
+No. And never bring it up again.
+Please, can he?
+All right.
+What's the matter, Bart?
+Boy, it is gonna be so cool when you're a police dog...
+Good boy! Now, transform!
+All right, listen up!
+For the next two weeks, I'm gonna be your worst enemy. Except this Thursday is the fourth of July, so we'll take Friday off as well. Well, I guess Wednesday everybody's gonna be thinking about the long weekend, so, meh, what the hell? Why don't we just take the whole week off?
+Why'd you let me do that? We are so far behind.
+Nice work, K-9s. Bring in the next group!
+Uh, should I get this blow back to the cage, Chief?
+Whoa, whoa, whoa: "Blow?" "Cage?" You're in uniform, Lou. Don't slang it up.
+It is my privilege to welcome this fine group of animals into the Springfield police force.
+Keep your noses clean, and your hearts free of worms.
+Listen to me, rook. These streets are hard. It ain't like "Air Bud Five -- Strong Arm of the Paw"!
+Attention all units! Domestic disturbance in progress at Rural Route Twenty-seven...
+Domestic disturbance? You're gonna have one helluva first day, boy. Squeak 'em if you got 'em.
+You gave that hog a day of beauty, and I didn't get nothin'!
+Manicure! Pedicure!
+Exfoliation!
+Don't worry, boy. She just knocked a few fleas off ya. You're gonna be okay.
+We need backup! Now!
+Cletus, you coward! Is you man or turtle?
+Here's your answer.
+Skittle, skittle, scurry, skittle.
+Okay, since the dog's not here, I'm gonna take you for a walk.
+I miss Santa's Little Helper. I wanted him to be a police dog, but now he has no time for me. I even have to eat my own homework!
+Hey, could you set us up down here?
+Go easy there, pal. We just started our shift.
+Attention K-9 unit. We got an eight sixty-six in progress at the park. Over.
+Chief, why you using the walkie-talkie? I can hear you fine.
+Fine. Let's not use any of our police equipment.
+So, uh... you got any steroids?
+Oh, you know it. I can make you huge.
+I want to pump my guns.
+I want to rip my pecs.
+I want to shriv my nards.
+Nards -- that's what we needed to hear.
+Freeze!
+Nobody ever freezes. I might as well just say "run".
+Catch me if you can, little bow wow. Ha-ha!
+Nice work... partner.
+You stand accused of giving hope to scrawny young men. How do you plead?
+Guilty... of being innocent.
+Well, I'm afraid because of this improperly filled-out police report...I have no choice but to let you go. Case dismissed!
+Don't worry, dude, I'm goin' straight. Straight to my customers to sell more drugs!
+Listen man, you gotta let it go. Relax for a couple days with your family. Come back fresh on Monday.
+Boy, you're back!
+Ow! You bit me! My own dog bit me.
+I can't believe it. My own dog bit me.
+Now that he's had a taste of human flesh, the dog will be a slave to its succulence! Look at him eyeing me -- he knows I taste best.
+Don't blame the dog, folks. A cop's life is so intense, he has to channel it somewhere. Me, I knit violent imagery.
+Pretty grim, huh?
+I love Santa's Little Helper, but I don't know if we can have him in our home anymore.
+Mom, you can't send him away! He's a dog, not Grampa!
+What if Santa's Little Helper stops being a police dog? Then he can get a non-violent job, like barking songs on novelty Christmas records. You can do it, boy!
+No, boy, that's Hanukah.
+Forget it, kid -- he's a cop now.
+Well, I bet he can't resist this.
+Fetch, boy!
+My God. I've lost him.
+Oh relax, Marge, I'm just messin' with ya. I know I'm not a dog. I'm a people, like you.
+It's just Flanders. You know him.
+You're gonna live with me now, 'cause only cops understand cops.
+Hey Lou... wanna party tonight?
+Oh not tonight, Sharquelle. I'm uh, hangin' out with my new roommate.
+Oh my God, a police dog! Oh, I have a friend who would love him!
+Okay, but uh, just remember: they don't love us, they just love the uniform.
+All right, now uh, who's goin' with who?
+I don't want a new dog. I want my old dog, the one who bit me.
+Cheer up, boy. We'll get you their most vicious street cur! He'll bite your ass raw!
+No street curs!
+That's it! I want a snake!
+Oh, no problem, pally -- our pythons cost five dollars a foot.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not made of money!
+All right.
+He is so awesome. I already love him more than I love Lisa.
+It says here don't bother naming them. Snakes have poor hearing and only live to strangle.
+I like it -- "Strangles." Hey Lis, wanna touch Strangles? He's not slimy at all. He's scaly.
+Ew! He is slimy!
+That's because I soaked him in slime!
+Why you little... I'll teach you to trick your sister!
+Homer, can you breathe?!
+Well, I can breathe out okay.
+Don't... give snake... attention... it's what... he really... wants.
+I'm okay.
+After months of practice, I have trained my rabbit to hop in perfect tempo to Mussorgsky's immortal "Pictures at an Exhibition."
+Now for some "hip hop" we can all get down with!
+Bart Simpson, you can't bring a python to school!
+Hey, don't ask me to show if you can't handle the tell.
+Well I'm gonna show you to the principal and tell him all about it.
+Mine was as funny as his!
+No one's arguing with you, lady. Now can we just learn something?
+The snake's getting away!
+The snake must be in there!
+You miss him, don'tcha?
+Lou, he's gotta get over it. I miss Shamrock Shakes, but they ain't comin' back till March!
+You know, Chief, Shamrock Shakes are just vanilla shakes colored green.
+I taste the flavor -- it's a very mild mint.
+Well, maybe because it's a minty color, your mind is fooling your tongue.
+I know what I taste!
+I gotta go with the Chief on this one.
+Oh, there's a big surprise.
+Hey Lou, what's your favorite thing in the world so I can dump all over that?
+Time for a head count. Children, line up according to height... no, weight... no, the sum total of the letters in your last names if each letter is assigned a numeric value according to its place in the alphabet! Quickly now!
+Deadly toxic cloud! Deadly toxic cloud!
+Bart's missing! He must still be in the school!
+No, boy! It's too dangerous!
+Let him go, Lou. He's not following his nose this time -- he's following his heart.
+Sometimes I forget why you're chief... but I remember now! You follow your heart, boy!
+Here, Strangles! Strangles?
+Aw man, it's like some chemicals cut one.
+Strangles, you came to save me!
+Santa's Little Helper, you came too!
+Sorry... but a boy's gotta go with his dog.
+And... saved!
+Hero cop saves boy! Hero cop saves boy!
+Oh, I knew you loved me boy! Now you can be my dog again.
+Don't worry. I'll give ya a home.
+That'll do, snake.
+That'll do.
+Previously on Twenty-four... I mean, "The Simpsons."
+Behold -- our new state-of-the-art weapon in the global war against misbehavior!
+CTU -- the Counter Truancy Unit!
+Haw haw.
+I've got something!
+The sixth-grade security camera shows three empty desks!
+Enhance!
+Dehance! Dehance!
+I ran the attendance protocols -- here are your three missing students.
+Good work, Database.
+We helped.
+Whoa, this is the source of the stench!
+Hey, get your own yogurt!
+Vile curd!
+Simpson, you can take your putrid mess far out of my sight, you songless land-whale!
+Woo-hoo! Business trip!
+Simpson! I'll teach you to make a Poupon "me!"
+If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage!
+The school's having a bake sale today! At three o'clock!
+I promised them a cake!
+I've only got twenty-seven minutes! The pre-heat is on!
+The following takes place between two thirty-four p.m. and three oh-four p.m. Or maybe it's a.m. Whichever one is the morning one, it's not that one.
+No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
+Apu, I'm returning a yogurt I wasn't a hundred per cent satisfied with.
+Oh my God, if a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby, and the baby puked, and a dog ate the puke, this smells like the rear end of that dog! I'll give you any yogurt in the store, just take that thing with you when you go!
+Let's spit in the coffee pots.
+I call hazelnut!
+Truants moving into the Kwik-E-Mart.
+I've got a visual.
+That yogurt is toxic! It's just what we've been looking for!
+Now this crossword's nothin' but swears.
+We've got what we need -- Milhouse, bring them in.
+Roger that.
+And Lisa, if I don't make it back, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
+I already read it.
+We've all read it.
+Wait, Milhouse -- hold your position. Something doesn't add up.
+Look what the bullies could have stolen...
+Big Chief Rotten Cheeks Chewing Tobacco...a take-a-penny tray with a quarter in it!
+So why steal the yogurt? We have to find out what they're up to.
+Hmmmm... Milhouse, change of plan -- observe and follow.
+Permission to buy a Hostess fruit pie to keep my strength up?
+Denied.
+Hey Milhouse, who're you spying on? Those bullies?
+What about the fat guy?
+Hey, lay off -- you're the fat one of you guys!
+I'm bulking up for football.
+I'm still alive! You call that playing to win?!
+Mr. Simpson, I'm scared.
+Dammit!
+This is our life now, Milhouse. We're dumpster folk.
+I've lost Milhouse.
+He'll be somewhat missed.
+Whom do we send now?
+Principal Skinner, you know we have only one agent who stands a chance with those bullies. My brother.
+Lord, give me guidance. That's right, the guidance department -- detention room. Thank you, Mrs. Lord.
+All out! I can't make my famous raisin sponge-cake without raisins! Kids love the zing of raisins!
+If I help you, I want full immunity for all pranks past and future, and you have to teach me a swear word I don't already know.
+No deal.
+Okay, suit yourself -- it's not like you have any major events coming up that the bullies would want to disrupt.
+The bake sale!
+Principal Skinner, as we both know, but you might need reminding, the annual bake sale provides ninety percent of the school's funding.
+Okay, you have a deal, you conniving little...
+Wow, that's a swear?
+Used as a noun it is.
+Sweet. Now I'm gonna need some wheels.
+Yes, of course -- I think we can wrangle you a used bicycle. Do you prefer Schwinn or Huffy? Bart? Where did he-- My car keys!
+Roadkill, burnt hair, my sister's retainer case, six weeks of bottled farts, possum placenta, sweat from a walk-around Goofy suit. And finally, "T.C.B.Y.": that container of botulized yogurt. Okay everyone, masks on.
+Gentlemen, we've created the mother of all stink bombs.
+Most satisfactory.
+Jimbo, sweetie, I have to run to the bank. Are you boys gonna be okay alone?
+Put a top on, Mom! Everyone's seen your implants.
+But the doctor said the air will help them--
+Just go!
+Lookin' good, Carol!
+I saw it first! / You are such a liar!
+You give that to me!
+Must... escape.
+Springfield Elementary is about to be Stinkfield Elementary.
+Lisa, they're gonna put a stink bomb in the school! I might be able to stop them, but I'll need a schematic of Jimbo's house.
+Jimbo drew a couple of pictures of his house in second grade. But I can't vouch for their accuracy -- the teacher gave him a frowny-face.
+I'm so proud of us.
+You got Jimbo.
+They're on to you, Jimbo! Get out of there! Scram!
+--bled eggs would be lovely for breakfast, mother. Just go! Quickly!
+We're busted! Thanks, mole. Now make your split screen vanish!
+Will do!
+Dammit, these blueprints are all wrong! Where's the roller coaster room? And the shark tank?
+Son of a beach ball, they're gone!
+I've got a man down! Well, not a man. A very special boy.
+Chloe, I need those schematics now!
+What? Who is this?
+I'm Jack Bauer, who the hell are you?
+Me? Uh, I'm... Ahmed Adoody.
+Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoody. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoody?
+Ahmed Adoody, wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late nineties.
+Now let's see, twenty minutes at three hundred degrees is the equivalent of five minutes at... twelve hundred degrees.
+Now to make the folded index card that goes in front of the cake.
+Pink frosting fixes everything!
+Say, is your butt numb from all this vibrating? Mine is. Still, I wouldn't describe it as unpleasant. Well, let's get some shut-eye.
+Ooh, it's that bar I like! Wait here in the car.
+Okay, this might hurt a little. No problem.
+Oh, sweet mother of Mary!
+Okay, Milhouse, what do you want to do?
+Well, the school's having a bake sale.
+Ol' Betsy'll get us there.
+We are projecting an effective stink radius farther than any of us can kick a kickball.
+Sir, we have to call off this bake sale, now!
+Yes, yes, yes. We have to do something. Although, the basketball hoops have been retracted... D.J. Funtimes has already cashed his deposit... And Superintendent Chalmers won't be happy to hear...
+I won't be happy to hear what, Seymour?
+Um... that uh... bake sale revenue projections are through the roof.
+I'm very happy to hear that. You don't know me at all!
+We have to find those bullies before the bake sale starts. Martin, run a top-down search on the school security grid.
+Will do -- and you chose the perfect person!
+The stink bomb! I can't let anyone see it!
+Martin, anything?
+I wish! This is as boring as mainstream cinema.
+So true.
+Cops! Act natural!
+Hello, Officer!
+Afternoon, ma'am. What is it about a woman in a dumpster?
+Wait! Mr. Simpson!
+My cake!
+They're gonna wish the bake sale was a nose-plug sale!
+And it totally isn't!
+Teens? In Willie's hidey hole?! I'll mop up your blood from the inside!
+We have a fire alarm in the ventilation room!
+I'll check it out!
+SKIP, SKIP, SKIP TO MY LOU... Top of the morning, Nelson.
+And to you, Martin.
+SKIP TO MY LOU, MY DARLING...
+Hey Nelson, what gives? Martin just skipped past you singing "Skip to my Lou," and you did nothing!
+Can't a guy enjoy a catchy tune?
+I'm unclear on what you want!
+Is Martin working for Jimbo?!
+Yes what?
+Yes sir.
+Lisa... are you on a secure line?
+I am. You're on a Bluetooth cell phone, the most vulnerable device known to man.
+But it looks so cool. Listen, there's a mole inside CTU.
+A mole?!
+Yes, a mole. Now I don't have much time, so I'm just gonna come right out and say his name, so get ready to know his name. His name is the following: M--
+SKIP, SKIP, SKIP TO MY LOU...
+Rice Krispie Treats? Way to phone it in, Sarah Wiggum!
+Excuse me, excuse me, I'm in the sale! I'm in the sale!
+Okay, I kept my end of the deal. Release my friends.
+All here, from Asimov to Zarathustra... where's Phobos?!
+He's with us now.
+We're outta here. Smell you later.
+Three minutes later to be exact.
+What have I done?
+Raisin cake! Who wants raisin cake? Don't worry, it's not too moist!
+Can I have some more money?
+I gave you ten dollars.
+All the other moms gave their husbands twenty.
+Well all the other husbands don't come home dirty from fighting.
+I had to fight! Lenny said his dad is Hulk Hogan, and I know he's not!
+Here's five more dollars.
+Bart, are you all right? Bart?
+Hey, I'm fine -- They haven't made a French horn yet that can hurt me. Now, I'm sending you a picture of the bomb.
+My God, that's a class-five stench-dispersal unit! We have to short out that fan.
+"HDW". What's that?
+That's the main valve of the hot dog water recirculation system. There's over thirty years of wiener soakings in there.
+Lis, you have to release that water. It's the only way to short out the fan.
+But you and Willie will drown!
+Possibly, but I can't risk Superintendent Chalmers finding out about--
+Finding out about what, Seymour?
+Um... about how early press coverage of the bake sale is uniformly positive.
+Once again, you have thoroughly misgauged my response. This is going on your permanent record.
+You butcher!
+The hot dog water's gonna push us into the fan!
+And I just sharpened those blades!
+SKIP TO MY LOU / MY DARLING...
+Bart, I've got an idea! As you're dyin', jam the blades with your spine!
+Keep pitching, I'll be back.
+Look, a window to a child's watery grave!
+Don't worry, I'll free the boy.
+Dammit! This glass is bulletproof! There's nothing that can shatter it.
+Yes there is!
+Ooh, a thermos! With seven cups of coffee still in it! Oh wait, six!
+Dad, that's a bomb!
+Here! It's yours!
+How do I stop it?!
+Oh, that's convenient.
+Thank goodness this crisis was averted. Nicely done, Lisa.
+Hey, what about me?
+I almost died... and so did Willie.
+Leave me be! I don't want to live if I have to clean up this mess up!
+Oh, my special little guy. I'm so glad you're okay.
+Oh, I'm just glad you taste like hot dogs!
+Good work, Lisa.
+What about me?
+Bart Simpson: twelve minutes ago you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units, move in!
+I pulled every single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice.
+It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.
+It's okay. That was Shelbyville.
+C'mon, everybody. Time for the family portrait. Let's bunch together now. Here we go.
+Move it!
+Perfecto. Everybody smile. I'm going to set the automatic timer.
+Almost ready! Here we go.
+Let's get this show on the road, man. We got things to do.
+Yeah, Dad.
+Okay, here we go.
+Make room for Jumbo.
+What'd you say?
+Nothing.
+All right, everybody. Squeeze in real tight.
+I wanna get us all in the picture this time. Closer.
+Closer.
+Okay. Hold still. This is the last picture on the role.
+Praise the Lord.
+You watch your mouth you little Smartass.
+Yeah, Bart.
+Nothing's gonna ruin this one. The timer's a tickin.
+Bart's makin' faces, Dad.
+This one's gonna be the Simpsons at our finest.
+Smile. Look cheerful. Here we go...
+Here we go... Here we go.
+Why you little...
+Kitty cat!
+Um... um...
+Watering can!
+This is a nightmare.
+We're getting blown out of the water!
+What can I say? Maggie and I share a special bond.
+"School bus..." "Bart and Lisa?" Bart and Lisa are almost home from school! And we have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock! Thanks, Maggie!
+We win by forfeit!
+The sweetest win there is!
+It won't start!
+I'll just use Homer's Triple A card.
+American Applesauce Association?!
+We're gonna have to run. There isn't even time to stretch my quads!
+Marge takes off in a sprint .
+My quads! Every stride is a nightmare!
+How you holdin' up, Maggie?
+Er, um, ouch!
+Sorry-sorry-sorry!
+Hey Marge!
+We're gonna make it!
+Marge Simpson, I just heard the most delicious piece of gossip!
+Tell me later!
+Oh hi, kids. You're just in time to go to the dentist!
+Dentist?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!
+Oh Bart, you fall for that every six months.
+Hey suckers, check it out. Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery.
+You're going to the dentist too, Dad.
+"Why the cemetery?" I wondered. But my dreams were too strong.
+Mr. Simpson, have you been flossing regularly?
+Absolutely, all the time. I go to the floss store and they're like, "Whoa, there he is again." 'Cause I buy so much floss.
+Well let's just get started.
+Oh God, my gums! They hurt so much!
+I haven't started yet.
+I know, but a breeze from that window went in my mouth.
+Don't worry, sweetie -- I'm sure that man has some special tooth problem.
+I don't even have a special tooth problem! This is just a routine check-up! The bib is choking me!
+It's over? That wasn't so bad.
+This tape explains oral hygiene in a way that's exciting for kids.
+The U.S. Dental Association presents... "Menace Tooth Society".
+Damn, baby got bacteria! You wanna stick it to these whiteys?
+Hey, I'm down with O.P.P. -- Ongoing Periodontal Problems. Break it down!
+Hey, you lowlife degenerates! Stop illin' with the fillin'!
+Luda-Crest!
+I'M THE ENEMY OF THE CAVITY / UNSTOPPABLE LIKE GRAVITY / SO BRUSH WITH REGULARITY / OR YOU WILL FACE CALAMITY / I'LL SEE YOU IN ATLANTA, G.A. / DIRTY, DIRTY MOUTH, Y'ALL!
+This film is against tooth decay, but it also kind of glamorizes it. Mixed signals, hmm.
+This is the greatest movie ever!
+Dad, that's ludicrous!
+I have a right to my views.
+No! I mean Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, right here in the dental plaza!
+Hey man, that video was made for a one-time only showing in Canada! Understand? Do ya?
+I'm sorry, there must have been some sort of misunder--
+Expect a letter from Cap In The Ass Productions and its head legal counsel, Ms. Melissa Burlingame! Peace out!
+Here's a free toothbrush -- keep those teeth clean!
+So you're saying I should do your job, for you, at home, for free. You wish.
+Okay, Principal Skinner. I want you to relax.
+Just lie completely at ease while I administer the nitrous.
+I shall.
+The dentist will be here in a minute. He'll know exactly what he's doing. Don't resist in any way.
+Good afternoon, Principal Stinkface.
+Dr. Bart.
+Let's see... according to your charts, you're due for your annual throat scraping.
+Uh-oh, I'm feelin' a lotta cooties down there. We may need to replace a tooth.
+Now rinse...
+Finally, I'm gonna take an x-ray, so lie perfectly still for twenty minutes.
+Don't you love that clean-mouth feeling?
+Sure do. Let's go get ice cream!
+I can't wait to get the freshness out of my mouth!
+I'm gonna glue my mouth shut with butterscotch!
+What the hell is a "fundae"?
+It's a sundae that's fun.
+I like that. But I'm on a bit of a health kick, so I'll take the low-fat vanilla... with the following mix-ins: Snickles, Gooey Bears, Charlottesville Chew, Nice 'N' Many, Kat Kit, Herschel's Smooches, Mrs. Bad Bar, and Milk Dudes.
+Cup or cone?
+Uh... cone!
+Congratulations! You just purchased the one millionth ice-cream cone sold by this store!
+Oh my God, this is amazing! Wait, I'm gonna be driving. I'll go for the cup.
+Fine, cone.
+What's this?!
+America West, please.
+Tonight on Smartline, a provocative discussion of the Middle East... will not be featured. Instead, we'll be talking to a man who bought an ice-cream cone.
+That's me!
+Of course that has nothing to do with the fact that this station and the ice-cream company are owned by the same corporation... but I digress.
+All right, let's just get through this. Uh, Mr. Simpson, tell us how it felt when you bought the fateful treat.
+I've never been to war, but I imagine it feels just like your first kill. The happiness swept me away!
+Ow! That hurt like a--
+What'd I miss?
+Kent Brockman said a horrible swear!
+Which one?
+Uh... I'll Etch-A-Sketch it for you.
+Etch... sketch... etch... sketch...
+Shake it! Shake it!
+It won't come off!
+Where's the hammer?!
+Earlier on this broadcast, I said a word so vile it should only be uttered by Satan himself while sitting on the toilet. I apologize, and will make a large donation to charities that fight teen cursing. Goodnight.
+Hm, people don't seem so mad.
+Excuse me, sir -- did you see my broadcast tonight?
+Oh God no -- I get my news from the internet, like every other normal person under seventy. Farewell, dinosaur!
+No one saw my show... so no one heard my filthy faux pas! My career is safe!
+Well, the important thing is we got through this crisis together. That makes us friends, right?
+Uh... hey look, it's the airport bus. You should get on it.
+I can't believe Kent Brockman got away with it. Back in my day, TV stars couldn't say booby, tushy, burp, fanny burp, water closet, underpants, dingle-dangle, Boston marriage, L.B.J., Titicaca, hot dog, or front lumps!
+I'm not sure Brockman's out of the woods yet. There are a lot of religious watch-dog groups out there... keeping the world safe from the horror of free expression.
+You mean there are losers who spend all day watching TV looking for stuff to complain about? Who'd be lame enough to do that?
+Okay, "Smallville"... super dog licks himself. That definitely goes in the naughty pile!
+"Sixty Minutes" -- Morley Safer has questionable pants fold -- "The L Word" -- used the "L" word.
+And now to peruse the local news!
+The happiness swept me away!
+That hurt like a--
+God's least favorite word, uttered on the public airwaves!
+To: Online Christian Soldiers... Subject: Televised Super Swear...
+Daddy, what are you doing?
+Imploring people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish a man who meant no harm for something nobody even saw. That's what I'm doing!
+Daddy, we think you need a new Mommy.
+First things first!
+The Federal Communications Commission announced today it will launch a full inquiry into garbage-tongued anchorman Kent Brockman. In a related story, Channel Six will demote Brockman to weekend weatherman?!
+Dear God, this can't be happening!
+It's a glorious day here in Springfield, with light winds and low humidity... now let's check the five-day forecast...
+What the...?!
+Even the map thinks you stink, Kent!
+In breaking news, the FCC has just handed down a record ten million dollar fine against Channel Six for Kent Brockman's shameful swear-nami.
+Ten million dollars! Looks like Newshound, the channel six mascot, is gonna have to go without his lazy-eye surgery.
+Sorry, boy.
+No, I'm over here. Over here. I got a treat for you.
+Now he's gonna starve. Proud of yourself, Kent?
+Kids, your ol' pal Krusty has had to make a few cutbacks because of a huge fine levied against the station.
+Yaaaaaaay!
+That's a bad thing! Anyway, we can't afford to pay the voice actors on "Itchy and Scratchy," so I'm doing the voices myself. Roll it!
+I'm a cat walking down the street, swingin' my arms...
+Look, a lady made of dynamite! Wait, I don't know that yet. How 'bout a smooch?
+Kablooey! And here comes the mouse, what's-his-name.
+That was me that done that! But it ain't enough, so here's this.
+That's what you get for, uh, I dunno, messing with my wife. And it goes on.
+Damn that Brockman! There are only two rules in TV: don't swear, and don't whip it out! It's not rocket science!
+Kent, can we talk?
+I'm not fired, am I?
+No, no. This station stands by its reporters. Say, what's that powder in your coffee? Is it cocaine?
+No, it's Splenda.
+Spare me your slang, pusher-man. You're fired!
+Haw haw! Your distinguished career is over!
+Marge, the couch is lumpy!
+That's because you're sitting on me, you lummox!
+Kent Brockman!
+I invited him to stay with us for a few days. His career is ruined, and I was afraid he might commit you-know-what-icide.
+I'm sorry Marge, but I won't live under the same roof as a member of the "liberal media".
+You'll have to excuse him -- he's been watching a lot of Fox News.
+Did you know that every day Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our brain-dead ladies?
+We have to take in Mr. Brockman -- he wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't dumped coffee on his lap.
+Oh sure, put down a simple guy like me, who works hard and plays by the rules!
+Dad, you barely go to work at all.
+And you're constantly flouting the law.
+I'm willing to change my mind, and that makes me great. You can stay. But you have to give us an eight-by-ten for our Wall of Casual Acquaintances Who Came to Stay For A While.
+Apu sang a song. What are you gonna do?
+Can fifteen strippers run their own airline?
+Find out tonight, on Fox's newest reality hit, "Landing Strip"!
+Ladies, check out what I can do with the oxygen masks!
+What a great show: real people with real problems!
+This is Fox News with the latest Liberal Outrage.
+It seems Liberals want to give NASA the right to "abort" space missions whenever they feel like it.
+Liberals -- I hate them so much!
+One thing I've always wondered: how can Fox News be so conservative, when the Fox network keeps airing raunchy shows? They don't fit together.
+Woo hoo!
+Liberals hate families...
+Liberals!
+Woo hoo! Liberals! Woo hoo! Liberals! Woo hoo! Liberals! Woo hoo! Liberals!
+Oh, you couldn't even get our pizza orders right.
+Every order is half this, half that. It's confusing!
+Fox deliberately runs shows that will earn them huge fines, which are then funneled through the FCC straight to the Republican Party. Everybody in the media knows it, but no one has the guts to say it.
+Not true. You've got the guts -- and I've got a web cam! This time you can tell the truth...
+And swear like a lumberjack who hacked off a leg. Let's do it!
+Woo hoo? Liberals? Woo hoo?
+Here we go. Four-three-two...
+Good evening. Thank you for inviting me into your laps. Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel.
+Journalists used to question the reasons for war, and expose abuse of power. Now like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation, and poop it into the diaper we call the six o'clock news.
+Demand more of your government! Demand more of your press!
+Fellow primate, this is a wakeup call!
+Vote out your so-called representatives! Reject your corporate masters! Buy nothing! Hug your children! Love the one you're with!
+Look at that rabble-rouser! He's threatening our ill-gotten gains!
+Galdarnit! I worked hard to ill-get those gains! How do we stop him?
+I could Dracula-bite him.
+Actually, Krusty and I have been working on a plan to take out Brockman. You wanna start?
+No, why don't you start.
+Oh but you're so good at starting!
+You really think so?
+Oh I know so. Go on.
+All right.
+Do you think there's something going on between those two?
+To find out I could turn myself into a bat and follow them around.
+Kent! Your righteous political commentary rocks!
+Yeah! You know how many stars out of five I gave the YouTube of your webcast? Five! And I never give five!
+It's true, he never does.
+Mr. Brockman, you're a huge hit!
+Really? How wide is the web?
+Kent, we want to offer you your old job back, with a fifty per cent pay increase!
+Lisa, close your eyes for two seconds.
+One... two...
+I held out as long as I could!
+I guess there's just no place for truth and bravery in today's media.
+True -- but there's room for the truth in this household. Do you wanna hear something really bad Kent told me about the Fox network?
+Of course. Gosh, Dad, your hands are shaking!
+I know, 'cause this one's really, really bad. For years now, Fox has been--
+...programming shows that the whole family can enjoy!
+Oh my God! You don't suppose they're gonna start--
+...entertaining America with hits like "House," "American Idol" and "American Idol Results Show."
+I'm afraid they might. But I will not be silenced. The truth is...
+Okay. What I was going to say, was...
+All right, next on my shopping list...a new phone!
+Attention shoppers: iPhones now twenty cents.
+What happened to that mini-cell phone I gave you, sir?
+Ooh, I thought that was a lemon drop.
+I'll go get the number de-listed.
+Well, well. What have we here?
+Why do I need another penny? I have billions. Still, if I don't take it, that hoodlum over there might.
+All right penny, prepare to be pinched!
+Come to papa!
+Help... me! Help... me! Help... me!
+I guess this is the end. I just wish I'd spent more time at the office.
+Hey, you're not a penny.
+You saved my life. There must be something I can do for you...
+You're getting a free dinner...
+...with...
+"Me?" But that's you!
+I'll pick you up at five tomorrow. And I'll pick you up right now.
+Got it!
+Uh-huh. See you at five then.
+Dinner with Mr. Burns! What a waste of my precious, precious Saturday night.
+Hey Dad, have fun with your boyfriend.
+He is not my boyfriend!
+So Simpson, I hear you like pizza pie.
+My favorite is Chicago deep dish.
+Chicago, eh? Well what if I took us there now?
+Drive to Chicago? I don't have time for that. I have to be back at work on Monday. And my boss is a total jerk.
+Who said anything about drive?
+A P-P-P-P-P-Private jet!
+Now, would you care for some sushi?
+/ Killer premise!
+Yeah, but I'm on a plane, idiot.
+My name is Svetlana. But you can call me "Hey, Baby".
+And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex. And I do mean anything.
+I'm aroused and confused.
+Sorry, everyone. Air traffic control says we have to spend another three hours on the tarmac.
+Nooooo!
+This is wonderful.
+Now, why don't you listen to the musical stylings of Mr. Lionel Richie.
+Oh my God... Lionel Richie?! Can you sing "Say You Say me," but make it about beer?
+Sure, I guess. HEY YOU, BEER ME / BEER ME FOR ALWAYS, THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE / HEY YOU, BEER ME / BEER US TOGETHER, NATURALLY
+Now make every word "beer."
+BEER BEER, BEER BEER / BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER...
+Um, wait, I forgot the words.
+Love you.
+No! If I leave the plane, I'll be just like everyone else!
+Ground control, this is November five four three Charlie. We're gonna need the extractor.
+I wanna be back on the plane.
+We'll be back before you know it.
+Svetlana! Svetlana!
+Oh hush! Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada -- Chicago!
+Okay folks, for our first improv, we're gonna need an occupation.
+Billionaire!
+Nice job -- where do I apply?
+Now I need a location.
+I came to relax -- you think of it!
+I heard "a Starbucks... in Siberia!"
+Finally, an emotion.
+Okay, "drunk." And now we take you to a drunken billionaire, at a Starbucks in Siberia.
+Uh, excuse me -- I need a -- I need a coffee -- can you change a billion-dollar bill?
+Our coffee costs a billion dollars. This is Starbucks! In Siberia!
+Why are you applauding them? We wrote it!
+While you were here, we felt like New York!
+I'm so happy!
+Homer, you smell like Chicago. Did you fly there on a commercial airline?
+No way -- commercial is for losers and terrorists! I flew on a private plane.
+Wow. Is it much different from a normal plane?
+Please tell me you're joking -- it's the difference between champagne and carbonated pee.
+Homie, what's wrong?
+I had it all for one night. Now for the rest of my life I'll know what I'm missing. And all I have to remember it by is that my ears haven't popped. Well, I'll make sure that I never yawn again.
+Hey Homer!
+Hi, Dad.
+"High?" High like a private plane? The kind I'll never be invited to ride on again.
+That's where you're wrong, Homer.
+A fresh face!
+This is Colby Krause. I hired him to help you improve your life. He'll get you back on a private plane in no time!
+No way. I don't need any shrink, therapist, counselor, motivational speaker or "guru".
+I'm a life coach.
+Oh, tell me more!
+The first step in self-improvement is to take a thorough look at your life.
+If you're gonna film me, I insist on a body double.
+Is Uncle Fester still alive?
+The camera's not on yet, right?
+Okay, now I just want you to do what you normally do.
+Okay. Uh... well uh... hm, I just uh. I forget what I do.
+Wait, wait. Uh, this is some of what I do, I think. Sometimes I go places.
+This is our relish tray. I'd like you to film it for insurance purposes.
+What's the point of putting my socks on? I just have to take them off again a week later.
+Homer, before you even head out the door in the morning, you're already a loser.
+Fine, I'll show you a winner, just you watch.
+Think positive. Think positive.
+You were saying...
+Homer, your journey downstairs would've been a lot safer if you'd remembered the N.D.C.'s of concentration: Never Don't Concentrate.
+Will you shut up? I can't hear the song in my head!
+Do you wanna get a reaction shot of his ass?
+No, but we should get some background noise.
+Everyone quiet for four seconds. Thank you, people. Moving on.
+Here's an important tip: stop doing that.
+I've really enjoyed paying you to yell at me and say I suck. But it's no use -- I'm a hopeless loser and always will be.
+Homer, you're up!
+This I can do!
+Behold my two-seventeen average... and weep!
+As I said, I've lost all hope.
+Homer, here in the bowling alley, you're a totally different man: relaxed, confident...
+Is this going somewhere?
+What we have to do is figure a way to make "bowling alley Homer" into "everyday Homer".
+I have an aunt who became an uncle. Is it like that?
+I want you to wear those bowling shoes out the door and everywhere you go. It's crazy, but it just might work.
+Dr. Fredrick J. Waxman, you're a genius!
+That's not my name.
+I wasn't talking to you.
+Homer, your shoe attitude is bowling people over. These are letters from companies interested in interviewing you!
+How many of those have private planes?
+This one.
+Handyman's Choice Copper Tubing?
+They need a safety inspector to fly between their North American plants.
+I'm gettin' that job. Bart, I'll need some clean urine. Stat.
+Now to make sure you're motivated to get this job, you have to quit your old one. I'll call your boss right now.
+I'll get it, sir.
+Just set it to voice mail.
+You here for the safety inspector job?
+Well, I can see the position of handsomest C.E.O. is already taken.
+I like you already. If you can write your name so I can read it, you're in.
+I got the job!
+Yay, Dad!
+We knew you could do it!
+Good luck on your first day, Dad.
+Give 'em hell, Homer.
+We're all so proud of you, sweetie.
+I'm gonna get there early, so I can get in good with the lunch truck guy.
+Find out if he has a wife! We could double date!
+Yay, Dad!
+You're our hero!
+Can I help you?
+An opera star!
+Uh, yeah -- I have no job and nowhere to go. What do I have to buy so I can sit here all day?
+Well, with a coffee you can stay till lunch. Then you have to order a solid.
+One small coffee, please. And a dozen of those placemats with the maze on it.
+They're all the same maze.
+Somebody's gotta do 'em.
+Look happy.
+So, how was your first day at your new job?
+Oh, it was great! Flew to Tulsa on the company jet. Did my job in a way consistent with what I already told you. Because that's what you do. When you have a job.
+I'm so proud of you, Dad!
+Stop peppering me with questions!
+Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Learn and Touch Reptile Zoo so early?
+Well, it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.
+It's not my fault, the drinking fountain dared me to do it.
+Freak fry!
+Look out! If it touches you, you die of suicide!
+Don't do it! Don't do it!
+I know it's you, Homer.
+Why aren't you at your new job?
+Well, explanation-wise, the fact is that... I lied. I didn't get the job. You see when I got there...
+So she said that's not my "in box" and he said that's not the Johnson Report!
+You sure know how to repeat the joke I just told ya. But as a formality I must ask: do you know anything about copper tubing?
+Um... um...c'mon, say "you're hired"!
+Say it!
+Leave your resume with Cheryl!
+Say it!
+Security! Security!
+Stop saying "security"!
+C'mon, just gimme the...
+I couldn't bear to tell your mother, so I hang out here all day.
+But Dad, you've gotta tell her. She's been buying brand-name groceries.
+Brands like "Miser's Choice" and "Day-Old Delights?"
+No, things rich people buy, like Campbell's Soup and Pepsodent.
+Honey, there's something I have to tell you...
+It's bad news, isn't it? I should never get my hopes up. Nothing ever works out for us.
+No, it's, uh... good news!
+Really?
+We're manufacturing a new pipe diameter, five-eighths inch. The company wants you and me to take the private plane to New York for the premiere! So meet me at Shelbyville Airport in an hour.
+If I'm gonna tell that woman the truth, I'm gonna do it in the one place no one can ever be sad.
+Okay, so this should be enough money to get me up in the air, have a frank talk with Marge then maybe eat a devilled egg.
+Well, anything for a fellow marine.
+Yeah, uh... semper fudge!
+Uh, did you just say "semper fudge"?
+No, I said the right thing.
+Look at this business center -- fax, Wi-Fi, teleconferencing capabilities... I'm gonna remember this day for the rest of my life!
+Honey... don't try to remember the whole day. Just what you're feeling this second.
+Sweetheart, what do you mean?
+Marge... I've gotta be honest...
+What was that?
+I don't know. Maybe we flew through a rainbow.
+I didn't think I would be flying today so I was doing heroin.
+Homie, what are you doing? You don't know how to fly!
+I drove a car over a cliff once. How different could it be?
+Hm, what's the ocean doing in the sky?
+There's only one man who could help us now.
+Hello, and welcome to success.
+It's Marge Simpson. I need you to coach like you've never coached before.
+Marge please, I'm with a client.
+Now you listen here, Bub. We paid you all the savings we had in the world. You could at least tell my husband something encouraging.
+All right, Homer. What is it you're attempting to do? Win over a difficult client?
+I'm trying to land a plane with no experience.
+Homer, I've gotta tell you, I'm not very good. I went to the Harvard of the South.
+Duke? That's good.
+Not Duke.
+Vanderbilt?
+A little further south. Don't make me say it.
+Duffman has reported you to the F.A.A. This near-miss will be investigated by a board of three retired pilots.
+Okay, Homer. I don't know anything about planes, but I know about you. You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power, and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you. So you'll land that plane. And do you know why? Because I heard some guy say you couldn't.
+What? I'll show him. I'll show that guy!
+Elevation three hundred feet... two hundred feet... fifty--
+Homer, you did it! You landed a jet!
+And now, to taxi to the terminal.
+Oh yes, of course.
+Marge, flying in private jets is great and all, but it's just too dangerous. That's why I've decided to go to the plant and beg Mr. Burns for my old job back.
+I understand, Homie.
+And at least we can take the extra income you've earned in the last few months and set it aside for a rainy day.
+You'd think so, but no.
+Mr. Richie, your American Music Awards are weighing us down! Let them go!
+You let yours go!
+I don't have any.
+That's right, you don't!
+This concludes our service. Go now in the peace of the Lord.
+So long, suckers!
+Move it! Move it! Move it! Do you want to be second out of the parking lot? Do you?
+Leave her!
+We left her last week and she didn't make it home for dinner!
+You'll never catch me, Lord!
+Oh man, that church service was so boring. I did a whole book of Find-A-Words.
+Dad, all you circled were the "I's" and "A's".
+Those are words.
+Well, where should we go for brunch?
+Griddler on the Roof? Thank God It's Fried Eggs? Luftwaffle's?
+Bodacious Frittatas? Buffet the Hunger Slayer?
+I wanna say one.
+Be my guest.
+Denny's.
+Every place has such a long line.
+Don't worry, we'll just go home. Your mother can cook.
+I just want a simple salad with pine nuts, haricots verts, seasonal heirloom tomatoes...
+Forget it! One day a week I should be able to put on nice clothes and have someone bring food to me!
+There's a place -- with no line!
+Woo hoo!
+Bart, that's not a restaurant, it's somebody's house.
+Lisa's right, son. Your Mom is way too classy a lady to crash a private--
+I'm not cooking!
+And you can cut your own meat!
+Everyone just act cool. If anyone asks, tell them we're plumbers... and then start plumbing until they go away.
+Hi... you!
+Dude! You don't think you know me, but you do!
+Oh Homer, you've gotta try this roast beef au jus.
+Mmmm, au jus! Not quite gravy, not quite blood...
+Look at the crowd around that table.
+It must be a make-your-own sundae bar!
+Oh, I can't wait to taste that hot fudge, and caramel, and crushed nuts, all slathered over a delicious... elderly corpse?!!!
+We crashed a funeral!
+Oh my God! Oh my God! Quick, everyone put on their long faces!
+Longer!
+We should get out of here. Come on.
+Where's Bart?
+Mahogany. Great movie, great casket.
+I miss my Pop-pop.
+I miss him too.
+What's your name?
+You're Donny? Pop-pop said that after he died you should give me ten bucks a week. Starting now.
+Um, listen, I'm outta town next week, so...
+Come on, we're leaving! Mmm, after one more mini-quiche...
+Excuse me. My brother twisted his ankle setting up the chairs.
+Will the tragedies that stalk this family never cease?
+Would you like to be a pallbearer?
+Of course.
+I thought she said polar bear.
+Please sir, a little respect for the dead.
+My back! It hurts, and not in a good way!
+Well, time to move on with our lives.
+Stop that! I'm down here!
+Homer, you have a mild back sprain. And you also ingested a dangerous quantity of grave dirt.
+Well, you're always telling me I should eat more dirt.
+Not dirt -- vegetables!
+Which grow in what?
+Look, I just need to make sure your vertebrae are properly aligned...
+This should take only a minute, and cost about a thousand dollars.
+That doesn't sound like Homer's usual annoyed grunt.
+Fascinating.
+When Homer is on his back, his stomach lodges perfectly under his diaphragm, giving him a powerful singing voice.
+Is that a real thing?
+It is! Tenor Andrea Bocelli recorded an entire song on his back.
+You know, Homer, your singing could help alleviate patient suffering, and save us a fortune in Demerol.
+My pleasure. IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOU / IT WOULDN'T BE IN SUMMER. / SEEING YOU IN SUMMER I NEVER WOULD GO...
+YOUR HAIR STREAKED WITH SUN-LIGHT /
+YOUR LIPS RED AS FLAME, / YOUR FACE WITH A LUSTER / THAT PUTS GOLD TO SHAME!
+BUT IF I'D EVER LEAVE YOU, / IT COULDN'T BE IN AUTUMN. / HOW I'D LEAVE IN AUTUMN I NEVER WILL KNOW...
+I'VE SEEN HOW YOU SPARKLE / WHEN FALL NIPS THE AIR. / I KNOW YOU IN AUTUMN / AND I MUST BE THERE.
+Ah, nothing lifts my spirits like shopping.
+Let's see, I'll take his liver, a case of Adam's apples, that motorcycle man's moustache...
+The money you've contributed to anti-helmet laws has really paid off, sir.
+Well, young people are my future.
+AND COULD I LEAVE YOU / RUNNING MERRILY THROUGH THE SNOW?
+That beautiful voice! It's making my heart race!
+KNOWING HOW IN SPRING I'M BEWITCHED BY YOU SO?
+It's coming from down the hall.
+To the Betty and Herbert Weinstein Pavilion!
+OH, NO! NOT IN SPRING-TIME! / SUMMER, WINTER OR FALL! NO, NEVER COULD I LEAVE YOU AT ALL!
+Excellent, excellent!
+The Springfield Opera House, of which I am founder, artistic director, and standing ovation starter, is producing La Bohème. I want you to sing the lead.
+But I can only sing lying on my back.
+We'll cover it with a rewrite.
+Places, everyone!
+Oh, oh, I just have one question: what is this movie about?
+For the last time, it's not a movie!
+Excuse me, "film."
+It's an opera and you are in it!
+Good luck.
+RODOLFO, PERCHÈ SIETE CHE VI TROVATE GIÙ?
+HO DANNEGGIATO IL MIO PIEDE!
+NEI CIELI BIGI GUARDO FUMAR DAI MILLE COMIGNOLI PARIGI.
+Homer's fantastic!
+Yeah. But these seats are terrible.
+My boy, you are a star!
+Woo-hoo!
+Dad, you were great!
+And you contributed to our culture!
+Well I didn't mean to!
+No, no. It's a good thing.
+Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
+The dance isn't till next week.
+Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.
+AND THE HOME OF THE BRA-A-AVE!
+We're free!
+Nice set, Homer. That was a hot one.
+Wow, praise from Placido Domingo.
+Call me P-Dingo.
+Eh, I'll think about it.
+You know, Homer, there's one thing about opera that has always bugged me: everyone sings instead of talking. But you made me believe I was in a magical world where singing is talking.
+Thanks! You know, of the three tenors, you're my second favorite! No wait, I forgot about that other guy. Sorry, you're third.
+Wait, Homer, before you go, there's this new note I'm working on. Tell me what you think...
+Hmmm, what if you gave it a little more of this flavor...
+Like this...?
+Keep reachin' for the stars, kid.
+Happy anniversary, Sweetie.
+You know, it might be a little more romantic without your entourage.
+But I need my childhood friends to help me keep it real. Would you have me keep it fake?
+Homer, can't we please be alone? It's our anniversary.
+We'll move to another table.
+See? Isn't it nicer, with just you and...
+Excuse us...
+Would you mind signing autographs for my mother and me?
+My pleasure.
+To the hottest girls in the room.
+What is he saying?
+I said you look hot! Hot! Ay Chihuahua!
+Ay chi-what?
+Hua-hua!
+I want you to stop flirting with women.
+No problem.
+Sir, may I say I thoroughly enjoyed your performance.
+And may I say I'm enjoying the calm waters of your deep, blue eyes?
+What? That's how guys talk.
+You are out of control! The late nights, the eating! You've actually outgrown your cape!
+Homie... I miss our alone time. I miss you.
+Need some help, H?
+Want us to take Marge shopping?
+You guys go on, we're gonna walk home.
+Great call, H! Walkin's the best.
+I really want to hook up with Homer.
+Now we both know that ain't gonna happen. But uh, I'm right here.
+Marge, when I'm onstage I can only sing those love songs by picturing your beautiful face. So in a way, my groupies are really our groupies.
+Aw, you're sweet.
+Oh my God, it's him!
+Use your opera glasses, Dorothy!
+Switching to thermal imaging.
+Target acquired.
+We're trapped. Your fans will rip us to pieces.
+Not me, they love me.
+Get on.
+Die, you stupid cobra, die!
+Sir, thank you for saving us. Do you want to come in for coffee?
+That's right, I'm a woman!
+A lady motorcycle driver?! What is this, the Twilight Zone?
+It's a shame a few out of control fans can make the rest of us look bad.
+I couldn't agree more, Julia.
+Listen, I love opera, but I hate the way these people treat your husband. Why don't you make me president of Homer's fan club and I'll keep the crazies in check.
+That's a great idea! To celebrate, I'll go whip us up some Chex Mix pie.
+So did you see the show tonight? Remember the part where I forgot the words and I just sang "Uh-oh Spaghetti-os". I'm hoping they send me a case.
+Now listen, Homer. You can have me any time you want me.
+But if you say one word to your wife, I'll tell her you attacked me.
+What is it, sweetie?
+Um, everyone's wearing clothes in here.
+That's nice!
+Mr. Simpson will send you a photo if you send him a self-addressed envelope. Mr. Simpson cannot sing at your daughter's birthday, but he will come for cake. Dedicate your shopping center? What's the anchor store? I don't think so.
+She's perfect! For the first time since you became an opera star I can finally relax.
+Uh, I'm not sure she's workin' out.
+That's it! Let me make something very clear: my heart belongs to Marge and you can never, ever have it. This opera's over when the fat man sings.
+All right, Homer. I understand perfectly. You shall never be mine.
+That's good. You've calmly accepted that you will never have the only man you could ever love. Now, I think it would be best if you left.
+Julia, wait!
+Before you go, could you hire your own replacement? But make sure she's not crazy like you.
+Dad, I think someone's trying to kill you!
+Who could it be? A disgruntled former employee? Whoever it is, the cobra is their symbol.
+D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH D'OH / WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO HOO / STU STU STU STU-PID FLANDERS...
+Why the crescendo, my dear old friend-o?
+GET LOST, YOU WASTE OF A MOUSTACHE!
+Okily-dokily!
+Chief, I think we should cancel the performance.
+No can do, Marge. My first duty is to the season-ticket holders. But don't worry, I've got the entire opera house on a complete lockdown.
+We've got sharp shooters on the gargoyles...
+Inflatable Homer decoys in the seats...
+And to take out the biggest threat of all, we're pre-crashing the chandelier.
+I'm so tense, I can't enjoy Count Almaviva serenading the intended bride of Dr. Bartolo. I just can't.
+I don't see anything suspicious... except someone is loudly unwrapping their candy.
+It ain't candy, it's a lamb chop wrapped in foil.
+Hey mom, do all conductors carry poisoned blow-darts in their pocket?
+Well, Arthur Fiedler used to, but I'd better take a look.
+Chief Wiggums! The maestro is the killer!
+All right, I'm going in.
+Allegro! Allegro!
+I mean andante! Andante!
+Ah, yeah.
+Snipers, take the shot!
+Okay, that's a wrap, people!
+Luckily the sniper bullets stopped her heart from pumping the poison through her body long enough for the chandelier to squish it all out of her. With any luck, she'll be up and stalking within a week.
+I'm sorry you got hurt, but you learned an important lesson. No one comes between me and my Homie.
+I'll get you for this, Marge! If it's the last thing I do! Oh and I scheduled the cable guy to come on Wednesday between ten and two.
+Oh but Wednesday's not good for me.
+I know, Marge. I know.
+Let's go, Hagliacci -- or should I say, Madame Butterface! What? What? I had two.
+Well that's it, I'm retiring from the opera. It's just too popular.
+And I know something much more fun I can do on my back.
+Singing opera made me good at painting.
+Is that a real thing?
+Okay Maggie, say your goodnights.
+Goodnight, Teddy Bear. Goodnight, Justin Timberwolf. Goodnight, Bedtime Krusty.
+Don't let the bedbugs bite! Krusty's Anti-Bedbug Spray sold separately. May contain poison.
+Goodnight, Maggie.
+Come on, sweetie. Everyone's going to sleep.
+YOU KNOW YOU MAKE ME WANNA
+THROW MY HANDS UP AND
+KICK MY HEELS UP AND
+HEY-EY-EY-EY-EY!
+HEY-EY-EY-EY-EY!
+A LITTLE BIT LOUDER NOW!
+A LITTLE BIT LOUDER NOW!
+HEY-EY-EY-EY-EY!
+All right, I'll make you another bottle.
+Maggie's so clingy! Homer, hold her while I pour the milk!
+No problem.
+My, you've grown.
+Spilled milk?!
+All over the floor.
+Hey Apu, what happened to all your milk?
+I sold it all to teenagers. There is a rumor you can mix milk, Mentos and Lotto scrapings to make jetpack fuel.
+Does it work?
+Hey Moe, got any milk?
+It's either milk... or paint.
+It's paint. Or is it?
+Yeah, it's paint.
+Oh. Then I'll have to charge you extra, depending on the color. Uh, stick out your tongue.
+Eggshell? No. Malabar ivory? No. Mediterranean ecru? No. Ah, here it is -- white.
+Ooh, that's gonna cost ya.
+There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
+Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.
+Aw, c'mon, Mom, we'll help you surf.
+Click that one, Mom. / No, go up! / Keep going, up, up, up! / The blue ones are ads! / That's the toolbar! / Now you've opened "Word!" Close it. / Close it, don't save it! / Stop clicking! / Don't go there! / Why are you buying a freezer?!
+Don't click the cart, or you bought it!
+You clicked the cart!
+If you're so smart, you do it!
+CRIE? What does that stand for?
+Creative Responses for Infant Edu-loving!
+Ooo, edu-loving!
+They come to your home to help you raise independent, self-actualized children. The counselors can come day and night because they have no families themselves.
+Okay, I'll sign up.
+You just bought another freezer!
+Well, maybe I wanted another freezer!
+What'd I miss?
+I've gotta find milk somewhere!
+You want milk? I got yer milk right here!
+At first I thought you were pointing to your crotch.
+You thought, huh? Yo everybody, get a load of "Beautiful Mind" over here, with the thinkin'.
+Listen up, ya humps! Which one of yaz parked at the bank? 'Cause they're towin' yer sorry ass.
+That's my car!
+Yo, Angelica! Get over here.
+This don't mean nothin'.
+Aw, please, give me a break. I've been driving all night looking for milk for my kids.
+I'll tell you what. I'll give you a ride to the impound lot.
+Okay. Let me just grab my registration.
+I can't believe your boss lets you listen to rock music while you work.
+My boss?
+I don't think my boss has a problem with anything I do.
+Wow, I'd really like to meet this guy.
+Well, he's in this truck right now.
+But it's just you and me... That must mean I'm your boss. I'm sick of you! You're fired!
+No, ya Dumb Dominic. I'm my own boss.
+Shut up! When you call in sick, who do you call?
+I don't call in sick -- I work when I want to.
+Sometimes you want to work?
+Hey, I get to drive around, eat when I want, eyeball the highway honeys...
+I'm your aunt, stupid!
+...and lasso the street cattle.
+Street cattle?
+I think it goes here.
+The cars I tow. I got all kinds a names for 'em: She-atas, Hebrew canoes, spam cans, Swedish speedballs, and of course, stretch lame-os.
+Some of those were pretty funny.
+Check it out, we already got a "whine line."
+When can I get my beamer?!
+I can't be out in this neighborhood -- my jewelry's real!
+You can't tow a hybrid!
+My blow better still be in the glove box.
+Wow, you make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it. Just like God.
+Man oh man, you've got the greatest job in the world!
+You know... if you're interested... we could use another hook jockey. The Springfield territory's wide open, since Flatbed Fred got killed in that murder-murder-murder-suicide.
+I would love to! But I don't have a tow truck.
+For five hundred bucks, I'll sell ya this old bucket.
+I'm not sure my wife will go for these naughty mud flaps.
+Not to worry. These are the ones you show at home.
+Uh, that's still too sexy for my wife.
+No problem.
+Man, you work as a silhouette model for one day and it haunts you for the rest of your life.
+Now just remember two rules...
+One, stick to Springfield. If I catch you on my turf, I'll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, then shove 'em both down your neck hole, to which I previously alluded.
+...which I previously alluded... Are there two "l's" in "alluded"?
+Rule two, always keep your hook pointed out.
+Why? What happens if I point it this way?
+Oh hello-o! / Hello, Captain Hook...
+/ Oh, spoil sport. / Oh, You're no fun!
+Ah, my first tow.
+Ah, my first tow.
+Stop! Stop! I'm entitled to park there.
+Really? What's your handicap?
+Pogonophobia. Fear of beards and mustaches.
+Well, I guess I can call a cab.
+Stay back! All of ya!
+Faster! More dangerous!
+Marge, your co-dependent hyper-nurturing has infantilized your baby. You've made her queen of her "clingdom."
+Did you hear that, Maggie-wags? You're a queen!
+Marge, you're reinforcing a negative.
+I'm what?!
+Allow me to demonstri-care.
+Actualize!
+And now you are free to live like a human being.
+Maggie's crying!
+She's not crying, she's celebrating her independence! Don't crash that party!
+One hug can't hurt!
+Yes, it can -- hugs are drugs, and your daughter's an addict!
+I guess it's time to let my little girl grow up.
+You see? Now her childhood can begin-ualize.
+Huh. Thank you, CRIE! I'm huh... I'm sorry about the kick. I've never done anything like that before.
+Yeah, well I'm glad your first time was such a success.
+What the Hell are you doinG?!
+I'm doing my job!
+You're hovering over a hydrant!
+You're in the sky, now -- my domain!
+I've got tow dough I'm lookin' to blow, Moe!
+I'm buying a round of the fanciest drink you got.
+Four "Lobster-politans" comin' up!
+Here's to Homer and the cars he towed!
+With those jerks out of the way, I was able to park right outside!
+Outside? That's a one-hour parking zone -- and you've been here a good eighty-one minutes.
+Correction -- a great eighty-one minutes! 'Cause nothin' beats hangin' around with old friends, drinkin' lobster-based designer drinks and--
+Good joke, Homer! You can unhook my car now.
+Uh, looks like he's driving away with it.
+No, he's just moving it so it won't get towed.
+Maggie, what can I get you for breakfas-- Oh. You did everything yourself.
+Homer, where have you been?
+Marge, when you're married to a midnight towboy, you might not see him for days on end.
+I don't want to live like that.
+Hey, when you married a man who would, years later, without warning, become a tow truck driver, you knew what the deal would eventually be.
+Well, no one's disputing that.
+Guess what, boy. Last night I towed your principal's car.
+Awesome! How's he getting around?
+You can't impound my spirit!
+Top of the mornin', Tow-mer!
+It's Homer, idiot.
+So it is! I'm just here to pay the fine for the Sunday School bus. You towed it with the kids still in it!
+I guess I'm more powerful than God now.
+You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility."
+Who said that? I'll kill them with my power!
+Take that, you tow-talitarian!
+Doesn't that joke make light of totalitarians?
+Yeah. Stalin put my grandmother in a forced labor camp for twenty years.
+Look, I was insensitive and I'm sorry. But what this is really about is a bully with a winch.
+If I'd wanted the laws of this town enforced to the letter, I wouldn't have hired fatty here as police chief.
+Hear that, Ralphie? The mayor knows daddy!
+All right, listen up. I know a thing or two about tow-Joes. I married three of 'em, and they're real territorial. Now here's the plan...
+Get in here, Mel. I don't bite. I might gum ya. And you might like it.
+Must we all wait behind this bush? I have theater tickets!
+Theater tickets, huh?
+Now ya got nothin'!
+Maggie's completely independent.
+At least you need me, sack of potatoes.
+Oh my God... multiple tickets... handicapped spot... parked by a hydrant... incomprehensible vanity plate...
+If my life as a tow truck driver were a teleplay, this would be the end of act two.
+I told you to stay off my turf!
+What? I'm still in Springfield.
+Okay, I made a mistake. Why don't you give me two demerit points in a point system we work out right now?
+Put me down, you lousy-- Wheeee! Okay, I'm warning you-- Wheeee! I'll kill you, you son of a-- Wheeee! All right buddy, that's it, I've had-- Whee--!
+You... let... go...
+Ooh, a trap door. What's down there? Your meatball collection?
+Goodbye.
+I thought we were friends! I was kidding you in a friendly fashion!
+Who are you guys?
+We're just like you -- tow truck drivers who got greedy.
+Is Louie keeping you prisoner here?
+Noooo, we're waiting for him to give us a timeshare presentation.
+Actually, we're an a cappella group and we're gonna sing "Under the Boardwalk."
+The truth is, we're just waiting for each others' hair to grow so we can braid it.
+Okay, I get it. I'm not stupid. It's number two, right?
+UNDER THE BOARDWALK / DOWN BY THE SEA /
+ON A BLANKET WITH MY BABY / THAT'S WHERE I'LL BE. / UNDER THE BOARDWALK / OUT OF THE SUN!
+Sure is great not having Homer around to tell us where we can or can't park.
+Yeah, without the crushing rule of law, society will do a better job of regulating itself.
+Of all the nerve.
+Now to buy some soft luggage.
+Dad? Where are you?
+Do not worry. I am working.
+Working? Where?
+Ask no questions. And do not call the police, or I will kill me.
+You sound weird.
+All is well. Goodbye forever.
+Avast, ye sky whale!
+That's my spot.
+I need a camera battery!
+And all the Transformers transformed back into trucks and cars. The end.
+Oh, that's great. / Great story...
+Okay, we've got time for one more.
+Homer, you do know what tomorrow is.
+Once upon a time, there was a hilarious ogre named Shrek Three. He lived in medieval times, but sometimes he'd say things from today times...
+Got one.
+We can say these swears any time we want because they're in the Bible!
+I don't think "Leviticus" is a swear.
+Shut the Hell up, you damn ass whore.
+I'm starting to worry about your father.
+Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.
+He hasn't been home in four days.
+Well, I guess he told me not to worry.
+Where are you, Homie?
+And if elected president of our small community, I will determine once and for all how far we can go without being gay.
+Maggie!
+We're free!
+Maggie! You did all this?!
+And to pay you back, I'm returning your nose.
+Here's your nose. Daddy's putting back your nose.
+Oh, wait. That's Lisa's nose.
+Homie! You're all right!
+Thanks to her!
+Really? Look at you... so grown up... well, I've moved on too...
+Are you sure? Hugs are dru--
+Wow, Bart! Lookin' good!
+Well, I have to look good for tomorrow.
+Right... tomorrow.
+Think. Think.
+You have to think, it's your job!
+Why you little...
+Homer! Lisa is receiving the Student of the Millennium Award at school.
+To be fair, the millennium just started, so it's not that big a deal... But they're giving it to me!
+You have to be there -- you miss way too many precious moments in the children's lives.
+What?! Name twelve.
+Well, just this week, there's been field day, picking me up from the airport...
+...and the Father-Daughter Dance.
+Lisa, if you like, I'm certified to conduct a mock father-daughter conversation.
+Just dance.
+Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
+American sober or Irish sober?
+Point zero eight sober.
+Point one five.
+Point zero nine.
+Point one oh with a stomach full of bread. My final offer.
+Goodnight, sweetheart.
+Can't be late for Lisa's big day...
+I'm gonna make it! I'll be on time for Lisa's thing!
+Ooo, an awesome accident! Easy, easy... I'll just take three seconds to gawk. Aw, everyone's okay.
+Gonna make it! Gonna make it!
+Woo hoo!
+Hmmm. Well, Marge, who's the unfit parent now?
+An hour and fifty-four minutes to spare. With my free time I can finally work on my "Superman" novel.
+"Make way for Superman," said Superman as he punched everyone at the Coffee Bean. Chapter Two..."
+Oh, man, they just keep kicking off awards season earlier and earlier.
+Yeah, the whole thing's just a scam to sell ad space in the school paper.
+That's the place that did both my Grandmas.
+I did both your grandmas.
+Shut up!
+Shall we look at the next one?
+Willie. He'll buy beer for you but he'll make you drink it with him.
+That old man over there isn't even making a transaction. He just wants someone to talk to!
+Before this was The Bank of Springfield, this was the Midwest Savings and Loan, and before that, it was an abandoned theater. And before that it was a theater!
+Where's Doctor Kevorkian when you need him?
+Well, if I know doctors, he's probably golfing.
+Excuse me for a moment.
+Everyone down on the floor, now!
+This is a robbery! Uh, not a separate robbery, we're together.
+You mean like a couple?
+No! / Yes!
+Oh great -- we're being robbed by Johnny and Clyde!
+Stay away from that button!
+Dammit!
+You know, a principal's dream would be to have a school with nothing but Lisa Simpsons. Unfortunately, the rest of you exist.
+From her grade grubbing to her apple polishing...
+She's got a cell phone! We didn't plan for this, man! We didn't plan for this!
+Ol' Gil's here for his first day as security guard. Oh boy--
+Now it's murder, man! It's murder!
+Uh Chief, looks like we got a sixty-four G in progress.
+Armed robbery with a gun.
+C'mon, Chief. You know this.
+Oh! A shooty-stealy!
+And now the reason we're all here today... Lisa Simpson!
+Oh, hello, Marge. I'm at the most important event of our daughter's life, and you're totally late. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I surprised? No.
+Homer! I'm a hostage in a bank robbery.
+What?! Oh my God, my sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don't do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all, try to be a hero.
+Homer, I have to go. If I don't make it, feel free to remarry -- from anyone on the list in the bulletin board in the closet.
+Goodbye, my love!
+Okay, this isn't the way I planned it, but you can make it out alive as long as there's no funny stuff.
+Don't worry about me. I was voted America's least funny clown.
+Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy... even worse than Sergeant Serious! How could I do worse than him?! I stole all his jokes!
+Chief, you gotta do something -- my current wife is in there!
+Psst, psst!
+Maybe you should take over, 'cause I got no stake in this. This isn't even my bank. I'm over at First Federal.
+Dye pack! Man that stings.
+Dammit!
+What're you looking at? Huh?
+Is anyone else a dye pack? Tell me now and I won't shoot you.
+You said "diabetic", right?
+Finally! The help we need. A DVD of "The Negotiator."
+Which chapter should we skip to: "Meet Danny Roman," "Trouble Brewing," "Off the Case," "My Baby's In There," "Enter Niebaum," "Take The Shot," "Sabian's Choice," "Check and Mate," "Friends At Last," "Closing Credits..."
+Oh man, oh man -- what the hell's taking them so long? They must be getting ready to kill me!
+It's no fair, I shouldn't die. I just came here to check the date!
+Dwight, use your noodle. If you surrender now, you're only looking at a few years in jail. I'll tell them you're a good guy.
+Marge... I can't go back to prison. I've got no wife, I've got no family. I've got nothing!
+If I give myself up... will you come visit me in the joint?
+Hey, if I can say "yes" to Chinese toys that kill kids, you can say "yes" to him.
+Okay. I'll visit you, Dwight.
+Oh Marge, I was afraid I was going to lose you! Ohhh! Now let me help you make your slow transition back to society.
+I just want to go home.
+You have a new home now... with us.
+See ya soon, Marge. Real soon! Just like you promised!
+Sweetheart, what's wrong?
+I promised that bank robber that I'd visit him in jail. But I just can't do it.
+You're disgracing America's pastime. You should be ashamed of yourself... what the...?
+You don't owe him anything. Moe was in the hospital for three weeks and I didn't visit him once.
+You said you visited him every night.
+Moe the tavern, not Moe the person.
+Well, promises mean more to me.
+Okay, you gave your word, you're going to visit him, no excuses.
+Ooh! Shlomo's Judaica is having a blowout on dreidels.
+All right, this time I'm going. I'm really going to visit a bank robber. A man who held a gun on me. Going to see him in prison, where guards will frisk me, paw through my purse, and... Oooh, there's apple picking just up the road!
+I'm getting a visitor today. I'm so nervous it feels like I keistered a bunch of butterflies.
+Dude, I highly doubt you're getting a visitor. People don't like you -- you come off needy and bug-eyed.
+You're wrong! Marge is coming. She is!
+Easy, bro, it's not like she's your mother.
+I wish she was. My real mother abandoned me in an amusement park. All I have left is a caricature from that day.
+Ooh, that's harsh.
+Hey, baby. Listen carefully. Someone's been editing my biography on Wikipedia. I want you to kill him.
+No problem, sweetie. I'll dump his body in the same lake as your lousy lawyer. Then when you get out, we can have a picnic there!
+So, sweet...
+Anyone for me?
+I really shouldn't show up without an apple pie for Dwight. In fact, I really shouldn't show up without an apple pie for everyone at the prison.
+Oh my, it's five o'clock! I missed visiting hours.
+Perfect!
+Look, it's Marge! With Dwight! I said there was a spark between them, and you said "no way."
+Look, Lisa. I put new filaments in all our burned-out light bulbs. Your father the millionaire thought we should throw these away.
+Mom, I think there's something you're trying to avoid. Or someone.
+Don't be silly, Lisa. In fact --
+Damn these sturdy foreign-built phones!
+Hello. Hello?
+Hello, this is Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, urging you to vote "no" on Proposition Eighty-seven. If we outlaw crossbows in our public schools, who's gonna protect our children from charging elk? Thank you for your time, and as always I say Wango! I say Tango!
+We now return to "A Kiss Before Frying."
+It's almost midnight. They'll be coming soon, Johnny. Coming to take you to the electric chair.
+I ain't afraid of old sparky, the hot seat, the kilowatt couch, the death davenport, the electric lap, the crook cooker, the scorch stool! I ain't afraid, see.
+No Johnny, I don't see. You're goin' straight to Hell, you know.
+I ain't afraid 'cause my sainted Ma is comin' to visit before I go. And when I sit down on the jolt throne, I'll be lookin' into Ma's sweet face as my tongue explodes in my mouth and the goo boils in my eyes.
+Oh, poor Johnny Stabbo...
+Dammit!
+Ma! Ma! Where are ya, Ma?
+Don't give up hope, Johnny!
+Give up hope, Johnny. Your Ma ain't comin'.
+Now if I may do the honors...
+Ma! Ma! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa--aaaaaaaa!
+Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
+We interrupt this Annie Award-winning cartoon for an important bulletin: convicted bank robber Dwight David Diddlehopper has escaped from Springfield Penitentiary.
+The escapee left a note saying he will turn himself in -- after he takes care of one unfinished piece of business. The police have issued a statement saying "That seems more than fair."
+Oh, hey! Oh, wait, this ain't where I go to vote.
+Hello, Marge.
+Man, these cars look all alike.
+Now drive!
+Dwight?! I was just on my way to see you in prison.
+Really, Marge? Look me in the eye and say that.
+Okay... they're so buggy, I can't!
+Dwight, please, don't do anything crazy.
+Just pull over there.
+Um, What are we doing here?
+This is where my Mom abandoned me.
+Oh, that's so sad.
+Ya think?
+Marge, can you please give me the day my mother didn't? Ride some rides, eat some cotton candy... then I'll let you go home.
+Okay. But I-I'd feel better about it if you got rid of the gun.
+I'd like to... but then you'll leave like she did.
+Can you at least put it in your jacket?
+Fine. But I'm still gonna make that pointy shape.
+Krusty! I haven't see you since that terrifying day.
+UH... You'll have to be way more specific.
+We were hostages at the bank.
+Oh yeah. Sorry I offered your life for my safety.
+I saw it, I just didn't feel like talkin' to you.
+Wait, something's screwy here. I'm callin' the cops.
+Don't bother, they're right over there.
+Easy... easy. Line up your shot, then squeeze it off.
+Uh Chief, I think we got a hostage situation over there.
+Can't a man spend one minute with his stuffed monkey? One minute?
+Monkey would make a better chief.
+What'd you say?
+I said the monkey would make a better chief!
+He's a good monkey, all right.
+The Viking boats!
+This is where I lost my first Mom.
+Well this Mom is not going to say bug-eye. I mean, goodbye.
+Dammit!
+Boy, I really feel like a Viking in this thing.
+I'll show them which monkey would make the best chief!
+Stop the boats!
+Sorry, Mister.
+Dwight, do something!
+Okay. For you, ma.
+Dwight? Are you okay?! Dwight!
+He'll be fine. Not you and me fine, but fine.
+Hey, leave the comedy to me.
+Okay funny man, make me laugh.
+Instead of a carnival ride, what if he was run over by a Zamboni with a moustache?
+I don't see how.
+Then I got nothin'.
+Dwight, that was the most unselfish thing I've ever seen. I'm sorry I didn't visit you before.
+Hey Marge, look at us -- the four amigos! They're gonna let me do some odd jobs for them on the outside.
+Listen, outside of my cell, I saw one dandelion growing. I picked it for you.
+Then I pressed it in my bible to dry.
+I carved a frame for it out of a bar of soap.
+Read the inscription on the back.
+"You chat up the guard at the gate, while I knife the guard behind me." I can't do that, Dwight.
+I figured you'd say that. But you can keep it though.
+Thank you.
+You see, the problem is, we've grown apart.
+The problem is, you don't share my interest in not being with you.
+Another thing... I don't know where you go at night.
+Greetings, Two Forty-One.
+Why does he always bring up my weight?
+I want you to eliminate this reporter: Kent Brockman. He found the gully where I dump electricity every summer to jack up prices.
+Don't worry, sir. I'll handle this cleanly, quietly and Bart!
+Marge, I'm gonna be home late tonight. I'm going to... Midnight Monkey Madness at the zoo.
+Well I won't be home either. I'm, uh... flipping over wheelbarrows in case it rains.
+Have fun at your crazy-sounding thing.
+And you have fun at your ridiculous event.
+Love ya.
+Ninth floor -- assassin's perch.
+Now all I have to do is think of a clever line before I pull the trigger. Oh, that's a perfect one. But I don't need to say it out loud, 'cause I'm by myself.
+Out of my way, mystery skank!
+Hey! Now I don't get paid!
+Hey baby! / How ya doin'?! / Hello!
+Now I'm mad!
+Now I'm .
+Marge is a professional assassin!
+You just can't get Russian gangster blood out. Must be something they eat.
+Hey, what's that?
+Uh... a blender cozy.
+How was your night?
+Great, great -- I turned over so many wheelbarrows... Wait, that was your thing.
+Homie, I made you my "killer" lasagna.
+Seconds, please.
+I'll kill her after dessert!
+You're a killer for hire!
+You ruined that pie!
+How could you not tell me you were an assassin?
+How could you not tell me?
+I told you twenty times! You never listen!
+Well, they're not as pretty as you, Marge.
+Listen, I...
+Okay, here's the deal, I'll do the killing for hire, and you stay home with the kids.
+I get fifty thousand dollars a hit -- how much do you make?
+I just get to keep whatever's in the guy's wallet.
+All those nights I thought you were out getting drunk, you were out killing people?!
+I was out getting drunk, then killing people!
+Stop it! That's my favorite couch!
+Why do you think I'm kicking it?
+Are you guys fighting over us?
+Whatever we did, we're sorry.
+Sweeties, we weren't fighting...
+It sounded like you were.
+Hey, who wants ice cream in bed?
+Ice cream! Ice cream! / Dad's the best!
+Great. Now they're gonna have tummy aches tomorrow, and where will "super dad" be then?
+At your funeral.
+We got a complaint from an anonymous "neighboreeno" about an elaborately-choreographed high-octane ultra-fight.
+I would have taken a bribe!
+Oh, that was so hot! I love watching you do other guys!
+I'd like to see you do a guy sometime.
+That can be arranged.
+Oh, what a wonderful night.
+...so, killing people together has really spiced things up in the bedroom.
+That's terrific, but I called you here to discuss your son's misbehavior on the school bus.
+Crème brûlée! Crème brûlée! Or in English: Burnt Cream! Burnt Cream!
+Hold on -- I still have to caramelize.
+Bart, go out to the shed and get some more butane!
+Oh my God. An alien... in our butane storage shed!
+Wow! Is that your space name?
+No. You hit me in my seven hundred testicles.
+Why did you come to our world?
+My friends and I came in peace to find your vulnerabilities and, um, shore them up with more peace. Yes. Then I was accidentally left behind... in a spirit of peace.
+Whoa. Is that a ray gun?
+No, it's a... deodorant applicator. I'll just...
+Smells like a summer breeze.
+So, this is my Krusty doll, Funzo, Linguo, Iraq War Sergeant Activity with insufficient armor, Phonic Frog, cat skull, Jim Halterman bobble-head doll -- he's a local car dealer...
+Hm... do all humans have such weak necks? Or just the one you call "Jim Halterman?"
+Oh my God, an alien! I'm gonna blow Rachel Goodman away at show-and-tell!
+No! If the government finds out he's here, they'll dissect him!
+I only hope those scientists leave me my mouth, so I may spread my message of peace through song. PEACE, PEACE, PEACE, PEACE FROM SPACE /
+As this month's rotating president of the Springfield Future Scientists Club, may I say: I'm sorry. And is there anything we can do to help?
+Well... I would like to phone home. To tell my family I'm okay...
+To do so, I would need the following items.
+Fiber-optic cable, Uranium two thirty-five, two tickets to "Avenue Q", seven billion body bags...
+Can I hammer that?
+Can I weld that?
+Can I tighten the--
+I said no!
+I thought we were supposed to do this together.
+Actually, I do have an important job for you. You can go get the wrench I dropped.
+I'm helping! I'm helping!
+Way to get rid of Bart. He can be such a pest.
+You are very observant, Lisa -- that's why I have a special job for you. Go find out the secret locations of your country's missile defense facilities.
+They were in yesterday's New York Times!
+WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE'LL BE KILLING EVERY HUMAN IN TWO DAYS / WE WILL COOK THEM / WE WILL EAT THEM / 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY TO TREAT THEM...
+Oh Ma-arge! Want some com-pany? As always, silence means yes.
+How about a little neck rub, baby?
+Now, how 'bout the neck of my butt...
+Oh Marge, your tentacles feel so good. Wait a minute... why am I getting words in edgewise?
+We can't have a space creature living in our house.
+Go ahead, say it! It's because I'm Jewish.
+But some of my best friends are... fine, you can stay.
+They're coming for-- What's your name?
+Kodos the Destroyer!
+Don't worry, son -- I've got a plan to save your space doggy.
+Who is it?
+Ma'am, we have reason to believe that you're harboring an alien.
+Open this door at once!
+Oh, I'm not decent. Let me throw something on!
+Can I help you, gentlemen?
+We know it's you, Mr. Simpson. Now where's the alien?
+Wow, you guys are good. The alien's right here in the living room.
+Ha, you missed them! Bart and our alien friend are hundreds of miles away by now.
+What do you weigh? Like a million pounds?
+More of me to love!
+After them!
+We can fly over them with the power of love, right?
+We could... or...
+You killed them.
+Well done, Columbo. That's right, we watch Columbo. It's on during rainouts of Gleep-Glop games.
+I'm just gonna take off now. I'm sure you have a lot of calls to make...
+Foolish biped -- it's not a phone! It's a space portal. Our shock troops will teleport in and eat everyone's heads... all thanks to you!
+Hop in, Bart, they're gonna let us kill one!
+Bart... friend?
+Homer -- bored!
+I can't believe that an alien who looked so evil turned out to be bad.
+I guess you should judge a book by its cover.
+Definitely -- especially if you count the inside flap as part of the cover. It usually gives you a great idea of what the book's about.
+Quiet -- we're missing the dissection!
+Actually, I'm still alive, so technically it's vivisection.
+No one likes a know-it-all.
+Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...
+Trick or treat!
+Beat it, weirdoes! I don't do Halloween!
+You're supposed to give us candy.
+I got yer candy right here.
+She empty-bagged us!
+What do we do now?
+Hear me out. It seems to me we gave her a choice: trick or treat. She didn't give us a treat, so...
+Bart, where are you heading with this?
+"Trick or Treat" isn't just some phrase you chant mindlessly like "The Lord's Prayer." It's an oral contract!
+You're right -- we've forgotten the old ways. The ways of rotten eggs, and soaped-up windows. I say we trick her! Trick her good!
+Peer pressure!
+May I remind you that I'm your principal's mother?!
+I hope the next people don't give us anything so we can trick them too!
+I told you not to mock me at picnics.
+Why give 'em the choice? That trick was sweeter than any treat we'll get tonight.
+I'm concerned we might be heading down a slippery slope. What do you think, Nelson?
+Can't talk. Lighting poo.
+Excuse me, but this is not good!
+Oh, lighten up. It's Halloween -- a night for mischief and merriment.
+Trick-or-treat! Lick my feet! Your head smells like pig-butt meat!
+Those monsters must be stopped!
+Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
+I've got something that will scare the H-E-double sippy straws out of them.
+Hold still! I'm trying to eat my way out from the inside!
+How is this a prank? Give me back my TV!
+I fed your fish.
+You over-fed them! You're the worst one of all!
+Whoa! They turned the church into a haunted house!
+Scaredy cats not wanted? Then I am wanted!
+Welcome to Heck House! You're about to discover what a life of sin will get you!
+Sin gets us something? Awesome!
+I was just in it for the sin.
+Just get in there!
+Welcome to eternal darnation!
+May I have a clean American newspaper, please, no "Doonesbury?"
+Wouldn't you rather have a bikini magazine?
+I guess a little peek won't hurt me.
+He died as he lived -- like a dork.
+No, the lesson here is he's being punished for thinking women are beautiful.
+Please, Lord, grant me the power to psychologically torture them into loving you.
+Behold, the las-diddily-ast room of Ned Flanders's hell house!
+I warned ya. And yet my punishment is no less severe. That's odd.
+Springfield is rife with the seven deadly sins! Starting with... GLUTTONY!
+More bread please.
+Why won't you work, you stupid piece of junk!
+I said, why won't you work?!
+Oh, why did I take pride in my child's accomplishments?
+Hm, I thought I was killed by that magic spaghetti!
+And the rest!
+And envy!
+Oh, how I envy the crotchless.
+And this is where sinners spend all of eternity!
+I keep telling you, I'm Hindu!
+This is what you get for stealing jokes?
+I regret nothing.
+Stop lickin' my Junk.
+It's my junk too!
+We'll never do any of those sins, I promise!
+All we'll do from now on is pray and fight in wars.
+Well then, my work is done.
+That concludes our Halloween show for this year. I just want to say that for watching this network, you're all going to Hell. And that includes FX, Fox Sports and our newest Devil's portal, The Wall Street Journal! Welcome to the club!
+There's a bee on Maggie!
+Okay Maggie, just calmly and carefully back away.
+Beehive!
+Blueberries!
+Attention, everyone... Luann and I have some big news.
+Is it that you're brother and sister? Because you really look a lot alike.
+Half-brother and half-sister?
+Siamese twins who've been surgically separated?
+No! We're getting remarried!
+Oh, that's great.
+Way to go! Many happy returns.
+This is so awesome! Finally you guys will stop using me as a pawn in your fights.
+Milhouse, you're not a pawn.
+I know, I know.
+Did your father say you were?
+No. I swear. I made it up! Like kids do!
+Well, now that we're a family again, you can stop your lying.
+Homer! The wedding's in twenty minutes! Just pick a tie!
+There are so many choices. Bolo? Clip on? Piano keys? Ten Commandments of Beer?
+The cornerstones of the Brewish faith.
+Why don't you wear a tie that goes with my eyes?
+And what color would that be?
+You don't know what color my eyes are?
+Of course I know!
+No peeking. I'm wai-ting.
+You really don't know, do you?
+Is "beautiful" a color?
+Marge, give me a break! I don't notice the color of people's eyes! I just judge them on the color of their skin.
+Fine. Since the color of my eyes isn't important to you then you don't get to see them until you remember!
+She's wearing white? She must have rolled the odometer back to zero.
+So you're good at noticing dress colors, but not the eyes that make your dinner!
+We are gathered here in the sight of God and this unsafe-for-swimming beach to celebrate the holy un-divorcing of Kirk and Luann.
+Ow! What the?
+Little help?
+Do you, Kirk, take Luann to re-have and re-hold?
+And do you, Luann, take Kirk despite the fact that he is fundamentally the same man that you said in court was unfit to load your dishwasher?
+Whose very touch repulsed you?
+Uh, your--
+Whose many annoying...
+Uh, you're reading an early draft of our vows.
+Just say "I do."
+You may now kiss the bride. But make it quick. The seagulls have gotten into the hors d'oeuvres.
+My friends, do not eat! Is made with seagull meat!
+See you in a week, Milhouse! Have fun at the Simpsons'!
+If you don't like Mrs. Simpsons' cooking, you have your "mommy meals"!
+I got 'em!
+Why does every kid who stays with us bring "mommy meals"? So I put pineapple in my potato salad. Live a little, huh!
+...that's why, to this day, you never see a shark with monkey arms.
+Great story, Mr. Simpson.
+But why do all your bedtime stories have commercials in them for the container store?
+Because if I do it enough, maybe they'll start to pay me.
+Sleep tight. The Container Store now has five convenient locations!
+Now that my Mom and Dad are back together, I'm happy every day. I can't wait to wake up so tomorrow can start.
+Uh-uh-uh. We're gonna start this marriage off right. This time, I'm gonna carry you over the threshold.
+Dear God! I need more nickels!
+Luann... is that you nibbling on my knee?
+Check it out -- an animal hole.
+Where does it go?
+Only one way to find out.
+Tarantulas! I'll save you, Baby Burps-A-Lot!
+Spider burps!
+This week is the best! I don't care if my parents ever come back!
+Milhouse Van Houten?
+Son, your parents have been lost at sea. I'm sorry.
+Oh my God! I said I didn't care if they ever came back! This is my fault!
+Drown, monster, drown!
+Hey who died?
+My parents, probably.
+So you guys aren't ice cream men?
+If my parents are lost at sea, are you gonna find them?
+We'll try, but...have you ever been to the sea? It's huge.
+And we have to search all of them -- 'cause they all, you know, connect.
+Don't worry, boy. They'll find your parents soon.
+And until they do, you can stay here.
+And we'll move your bedtime to an hour later so you'll have more time to be alone with your thoughts.
+Just shoot!
+Uh oh, it's rolling towards that loner!
+Who is it?
+Hey come on, why don't you cheer up with a glass of Ocean Spray? Oh boy -- forget that. How about some... Cap'n Crunch? Uh, Seven Seas Italian dressing? No, no! Uh, Chicken of the Sea tuna? Billy Ocean CD? The history of Atlantic Records?
+Stop naming things!
+I want to, but I can't!
+Then go to Moe's!
+Good idea. I'll drown my sorrows in Anchor Steam Beer! Oh, I'm sorry!
+Why don't we do something special for you -- get you all snazzed up.
+Like I'm going to a funeral?
+No! Don't talk like that! There's always hope.
+We just wanted to let you know, we've stopped searching.
+This'll cheer you up. I'll let you kill me in "Bar Brawl Four: Final Fracas".
+Uh-oh. I slipped on some blood. I'm totally vulnerable to a full-body jukebox slam.
+Come on, it's easy. Just push A, B, up, up, left trigger, right trigger, and both triggers at once.
+Isn't there already enough pain in this world? Let's just pay the check and go.
+Thanks, Mags. I could use a pick-me-up.
+Oh my God. I've become the world's oldest baby. Men don't get their moo-moo from a ba-ba!
+They get their moo-moo from a big-boy cup!
+I can't be a baby anymore. I'm alone now. I have to be a man! Thanks, Mags.
+Where is it?
+I gotta find out what color Marge's eyes are.
+Cha-ching!
+Oh Marge darling, what's the combination to our wedding album?
+Our anniversary!
+Alright, Dragon's Eye, may your path be true and your caroms many.
+It's Milhouse!
+That's not the Milhouse I know.
+Haw-haw, you know Milhouse.
+Okay, everyone. My best friend is a little messed up, so everyone be extra nice to him.
+Hey loser, your mom called. She said "glub, glub."
+One day you'll be more haunted by those words than I am.
+Why aren't you crying?
+I wish I could cry. Tears would cleanse my soul.
+Oh, Milhouse! You're very brave.
+Go ahead, beat me up. Maybe then I'll feel something.
+Eh, what's the point?
+Milhouse, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
+I always wanted you to hold my hand, Lisa. And now that you are, I'm too numb to feel anything. It's like you're wearing oven mitts and I'm in my winter parka.
+That's so poetic.
+Looks like you're not the coolest kid in school anymore.
+Hey, I'm happy to see Milhouse get some hand-on-hand action. But no one is cooler than Bartholomew J. Simpson.
+Really? See ya at lunch.
+Anyone want to sit over here? You can have my pizza crust.
+Young man, you look like you enjoy fun and excitement.
+Please Bart, you're embarrassing yourself.
+Milhouse -- call me if you need to talk.
+If you want to come to my place, I've got a squirrel in a shoebox. I'm just sayin'...
+Thanks, but I want to take a walk alone...
+...and work some stuff out.
+Come on! Look at me, I'm cool. I've got my backpack on frontwards, and I'm krumping!
+Check it out! This image has not been sped up.
+There's a time for krumping, and this isn't it.
+I'll krump with you, sweetie pie.
+Oh my God, look at these poll numbers.
+Aye Carumba! Oh man. Milhouse has gone from being a comic figure to a tragic one.
+If he could go back to being happy, I could go back to being cool.
+Boy, stop talking to yourself!
+Your thoughts should stay in your head! Heh, heh, I sure told him. Now, what am I gonna do about Marge?
+Let's see... Milhouse would be happy again if he had family to take care of him. Family, family...
+Every Christmas... Milhouse gets Danish butter cookies from... Solvang, California... where he has a beloved un... ...cle!
+Directory assistance for Solvang, a little bit of Denmark on California's central coast. ... We have three Van Houtens.
+Fine. I'll call three numbers. What are they?
+Butter cookie eight, two one four seven, Hans Christian Anderson five, five one six six, and Aquavit three, twenty-five ninety-nine.
+Okay, so which one of these losers is Milhouse's Uncle Norbert?
+Norbert? Norbert? Oh, this guy's a total Norbert.
+Norbert? I wish. My name is Gaylord Q. Tinkledink.
+Bart? I'm Norbert Van Houten. But everyone calls me Zack.
+You're Uncle Norbert?
+Well I'm one of the Danish Van Houtens, not the Dutch Van Houtens. Now my nephew Milhouse needs me and I'm here for him.
+And I'm here to find my nephew, Nerdletaub Z. Pantybottom. Let us join forces.
+Would you be my uncle?
+No, but have a butter cookie.
+Milhouse, there's someone who wants to see you.
+Uncle Zack?
+Milhouse, your parents may be gone, but I'm here for you now.
+Well, I don't need you. I've learned to take care of myself.
+I see. You've become quite a young man. Self-reliant, mature. You've shed your Dutch ways and become a true Dane. But uh, perhaps you're not too cool... to give your Uncle a hug.
+I promise you won't be alone anymore, son.
+And that takes care of that.
+Oh man, now he's even more popular!
+He's troubled, but I can save him!
+Oh, for cryin' out loud.
+Oh, I'll never remember what color Marge's eyes are!
+Brown? No. Orange? No. Elm? Rake? Guessing?
+Well, well, look who's strollin' down Alzheimer Avenue. You used to know everything about that wife of yours. Even wrote a song about her.
+A song? Wait, it's coming back to me.
+THE GIRL I LOVE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL HAIR / A BLUE BOUFFANT FROM HERE TO THERE
+SNOW WHITE TEETH AND LIPS SO RED / SHE'S THE WILMA TO MY FRED
+OH THE GIRL I LOVE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL... EYES
+/ WHEN HAPPY THEY SPARKLE, WHEN SAD THEY CRIES
+/ THOSE EYES ARE GEMS BEYOND APPRAISAL / STUNNING SHADE OF PUREST... Oh, what is it?! I was so close! Let's see, what rhymes with appraisal: basil, nasal -- none of these are colors! Oh, it's hopeless! She'll never love me again.
+Oh Homie, I'd forgotten that beautiful song you wrote for me.
+Hazel! Your eyes are hazel -- hazel like the pussywillows by the pond where we first kissed, like the almond paste in the bear claw I ate after we first made love.
+Milhouse, that was a perfect landing. Oh, did you remember to cut off the gas flow?
+The what?
+Lis, I don't get it. Why does Milhouse's happiness make me sad?
+Bart, Bart, Bart. You're worried you're losing Milhouse. And love is a selfish thing.
+Shut up! I don't love Milhouse.
+Oh really? The more you deny it, the more I know it's true.
+Oh yeah? Well when you're mean, I'm a trampoline, so everything you said goes back and hits your ugly head.
+God, that was lame! Where did you get that?!
+From Milhouse! I love him so much!
+Aw, it's okay.
+Students, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The coolest student in school, Milhouse Van Houten, is leaving us.
+He and his uncle, who is also very cool, will be returning to Solvang forever... via hot air balloon.
+Our trip will be fraught with hardship and peril. But it still beats third period gym with Mr. Johnson.
+Hey, in the real world, rope climbing skills are vital!
+Goodbye, old life.
+Wait, Milhouse! Don't go! You're my best friend.
+I have to go.
+Then I'm going with you!
+Bart, climb up!
+I can't!
+Well, what do you think of Mr. Johnson's rope-climbing class now?
+Still sucks!
+Aw, come on.
+So, who's up for a trip around the world?
+I am! I am!
+If we can catch the trade winds, we'll be in the Florida Keys by tomorrow morning.
+I can't wait to see our little...
+Milhouse?
+Mom and Dad!
+Mr. and Mrs. Van Houten!
+Damned Dutchmen!
+I'm so glad you're alive! I'll never have to be self-reliant again!
+Not so fast, son. We are trapped on this island.
+No worries, I've already radioed for a rescue boat. Sailed by brave Danish sailors!
+More like swishy Danish sailors!
+You're goin' down, Dutchman!
+Lame, lame, lame, lame, have it, lame, Superman Dies, Aquaman Dies, Casper Dies, Caveman Robin, Black Robin, Born-Again Robin...
+Whoa! The infamous Wolverine comic with pop-out claws!
+Why was this so controversial?
+Nice work, Doctor Boo-Who. Your tears have smudged Wolverine's iconic sideburns. Hence, you must buy this comic.
+And the cost of your innocent accident is...
+Twenty-five dollars, please.
+But that's the money Yaya Sophia gave me for Greek Orthodox Easter.
+I hate when they tell me things about themselves.
+You should stop being so mean to us kids.
+Well, I suppose you could buy your comics somewhere else. Maybe they sell comics at the dry cleaners. No? Perhaps they sell comics at the mattress store. No? Or, perhaps you could buy your comics at that new comic book store across the street?!
+Philip K. Dick! It can't be! It is as if Superman moved to Gotham City!
+Which he did, in World's Finest Comics number ninety-four. See?
+That was an imaginary story -- dreamt by Jimmy Olsen after he was kicked in the head by Supergirl's horse, Comet. It never really happened!
+None of these things ever really happened.
+Get out of my store.
+Grand opening!
+Hey what up, you guys? How g-g-goes it?! My name's Milo -- and this is Coolsville! Now listen, before everyone chills with some sweet comic B's, everyone gets a free piece of Japanese hard candy!
+One for you. / Short kid in back. / Down low. / Go long!
+I got prawn!
+I got miso!
+I got dolphin.
+Now, I hope you all like Korean pop covers of Tom Jones songs. 'Cause they're about to be blasted!
+AHN YOUNG PUSSYCAT / WHAA WHAA WAAAAA
+AHN YOUNG PUSSYCAT / WHAA WHAA WAAAAA
+PUSSYCAT PUSSYCAT / NAHN GOAT DOH EET / GO HAHM GAY HI SHEE / GAW DO MAHN-OO-NEE / NAHN GAW SO PEE YUH WOON NEE KOO ROOM GOOM YA BAW
+Asterix! Tintin! I heard these only existed in high school French classes.
+Come on Snowy, we must save the Belgian Ambassador from the Black Orchid Gang!
+What's that? A sound of ignition? Zut alors!
+This castle is actually a four-stage rocket -- and it's headed straight for the Pompidou Center!
+Oh no, I ripped it.
+Hey, no worries, little lady. These books are meant to be read and enjoyed, not hoarded and then sold when you get divorced.
+/ Whoa, he's so cool! /
+All right, I get it.
+You're cool, you're not "mainstream," you wear a porkpie hat...
+Mmm... porkpie.
+...but let's see what you know about super-heroes.
+Hey, I'm all about the capes! Flame on!
+Who's stronger? The Thung or The Mulk? And show your work.
+Whoa-ho, head rush! Okay, well, the Mulk kicked a tidal wave into the sun...
+Whereas... The Thung gave a piggyback ride to the nineteen eighty-five Chicago Bears...
+Woo, boy, that's a tough one. What do you think?
+You want to know what I think?
+Does Galactus eat planets? Of course I do.
+Wow. I was in such a bad relationship with my ex-Comic Book Guy. I'd forgotten how good it could be!
+Bye, Bart! Enjoy your funny books!
+Look Maggie, I'm Wonder Woman.
+I've lost my perfect twenty-six, twenty-six, twenty-six figure.
+Never compare yourself to a standee.
+Hey, you're way skinnier than a lot of superheroes... Girthquake, Flaberella...
+Kearney's Mom...
+Shut up! Her depression medication makes her bloated!
+She's depressed 'cause you're so lame.
+Shut up!
+I'd better join a gym before I go from hippy to hippo.
+I wish my Mom said cute things like that.
+She can't 'cause she's depressed.
+Shut up!
+Look at all these alternative comic book creators...
+Alan Moore, Art Spiegelman... Oh, Dan Clowes!
+I really identified with the girls in "Ghost World." They made me feel like I wasn't so alone.
+Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you know anyone who works at "Batman?" 'Cause I really want to draw "Batman." I'm awesome at utility belts. Check these out.
+This is where the Batman keeps his money in case he has to take the bus.
+Alan Moore, you wrote my favorite issues of Radioactive Man!
+Oh really. So you like that I made your favorite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive?
+I don't read the words. I just like when he punches people. How do you make his costume stick so close to his muscles?
+Mr. Moore, will you sign my DVD of "Watchmen Babies?"
+Which of the babies is your favorite?
+You see what those bloody corporations do? They take your ideas and they suck them! Suck them like leeches until they've gotten every last drop of the marrow from your bones!
+Hey, Teacup, why don't you chill out?
+Very well.
+OH, LITTLE LULU, I LOVE YOU-LU, JUST THE SAME.
+Attention, comic book aficionados! This man is not one of us! He has a girlfriend!
+My name's Strawberry. My purse is a lunchbox.
+Now listen up, my wayward little fanboys. I have the most wonderful news. My store now sells ninja weapons.
+Whoa! You would sell weapons of the orient to children? That is weak.
+Face the facts, has-been. This man is the comic book guy our town deserves!
+Very well, I guess the mature thing to do is--
+Oh no! The store's in trouble!
+League of Extraordinary Freelancers activate!
+Maus is in the house!
+How do ya like this punchline?
+Ooh, L.A.! This could be the gym for me.
+You're gonna get so ripped here. We've got Tummy Tone with Sasha...
+Power Bounce with Zach D....
+Zen Abs with Zach G....
+And you've just gotta try Mommy and Me kickboxing!
+Who thought walking could be so difficult? Well, I'm sure everyone else is having trouble too.
+Maybe I'll just hit the showers.
+Marge, you missed a spot.
+I wish there was a gym for us regular ladies.
+"Rules: no men, no cell phones, no mirrors, no shame".
+Marge, I wish you well, but why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?
+We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family!
+We have a family.
+A better one!
+Switch stations!
+I love this gym.
+Me too!
+Finally, an exercise bike for women of a certain age -- Jurassic!
+Mom, every workout appointment is booked up for months! We'll have to open a second Shapes. We just need to find a vacant rental property. Hmm...
+I can't believe the Labor Board is shuttin' me down.
+You lock your workers in at night.
+It's so they can't tell their stories.
+Mr. Krusty came to my village. He said he would marry me. No ring! Just fill apple pies all day!
+Today's guest created the women's-only gym that's taking the tri-county area by storm: MARGE SIMPSON!
+Marge. I thank you for creating "Shapes"... and uh, my boyfriend thanks you too.
+When is Straightman gonna pop the question?
+Uh, uh-- You're all getting German cuckoo clocks!
+You're getting a cuckoo clock! And you're getting a cuckoo clock! And you're getting a cuckoo clock! And you're getting a cuckoo clock!
+Oh yeah, Marge, I love these business trips of yours. The TV remote isn't nailed on. My whole life, I've never been in a hotel that trusted me.
+Hors d'oeuvres, big fancy desserts... and my wife is paying for everything. Now I know why pimps are so happy.
+Yep, nothing beats living on "wife-support".
+I hear that.
+Yo guys, come meet a new husband!
+Fine, I admit it. I'm drunk!
+Hey, how ya doin'? I'm Homer. My wife invented a gym for "regular" women.
+My wife invented "SkyPills." She uh, mixed vitamins with Alka-Seltzer and pretended it was medicine.
+I pay ten dollars a tube for those!
+That's why I drive a Bentley.
+Yeah, I haven't decided what kind of new car to get.
+Well, you better decide soon. 'Cause I have a feeling your wife will also be getting a "new model."
+Yeah, she'll be "trading up."
+And they're not talking about cars.
+Are you sure they're not talking about cars? Because those are car words.
+Homer, we're all second husbands.
+As soon as our wives hit it big, they dumped the fat old guys they were with and married us.
+Marge won't dump me. I'm the anchor that keeps her weighed down.
+Mmm-hmm. Here's how it starts: she gets a total makeover and she starts wearing fancy new clothes.
+Then she stops wanting to tell you about her day.
+Here's how you know she's really about to go: your wife seems happy and full of life.
+That will never happen!
+Marge! Marge!
+A makeover!
+Oh my God! The prophecy is being fulfilled.
+Um, so... tell me about your day.
+Oh, you don't want to hear about my boring old day.
+I do! I do!
+Well, the first inspirational speech of the day was by the woman who climbed Mount Everest and got everyone else killed.
+Hey, the networks have different channels in this city.
+That's okay. I don't care that you don't care. Go watch your thing.
+Are you happy and full of life?
+I sure am!
+Marge, now that you're rich, you really should get rid of that bag.
+Really? But I'm so used to my old one.
+Old one?! They're convincing Marge to dump me!
+Oh, it's easy. I get a new one every two years.
+From Italy!
+You would love a big black one.
+Marge, get away from them!
+What's gotten into you?
+I'm going to the successful ladies room!
+You guys gotta help me! If Marge leaves I'll have nothing except my many friends, and half the fortune she is now making and will continue to make.
+Homer, I'm gonna let you in on a secret. I'm a first husband. I used to look like this.
+What's your secret?
+Oh, there's no secret. Just hard work...
+Uh-huh.
+...exercise two hours a day...
+...keep up with the latest fashions...
+Fashions.
+...and of course, cut out all fatty foods and alcohol.
+Uh-huh, uh-huh... got it. I know just what it'll take to hang onto Marge.
+Mr. Simpson, let me outline the gastric bypass surgery procedure for you. Okay?
+We put a band around your stomach so that no solid food may enter. You see? Just like so...
+It's a very, very serious operation. You should only undergo it as a last resort.
+Please, Doc. I know I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world, but I took care of my family, and that used to be enough. But not anymore.
+Very well. If you wish, we can perform the procedure in the office, today.
+And I know how I can knock myself out. I'll look at your bill.
+Oh, get a life.
+Hm. I guess considering all the training you've received, this is quite reasonable. I've never seen anything so reasonable! It's the bargain of a lifetime! And--
+Dad, are you okay? I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions.
+Kids, your daddy underwent a special procedure so he can be more attractive to your mother.
+You had your hot dog plumped?
+No, I had my stomach stapled!
+All food tastes like barf now.
+Homie, I'm back!
+Welcome home, Marge.
+You remembered I like romance!
+A smart successful woman like you deserves the very best.
+You also remembered I like flattery!
+Do you like guys who are... attractive?
+Homie, you look good!
+All for you, baby.
+Let me get a good look at you!
+Whoa, whoa, whoa -- slow down, sexy beast. Why don't you take some time to savor the front?
+What are you hiding from me? Is it chocolate?
+Uh, it used to be.
+Whoa! Those buns are poppin' fresh!
+Yeah, I'm gonna turn off the lights now.
+And I'll just fold this old sweaty blanket and put it in the closet.
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
+Doctor, I'm embarrassed to show my body to my wife. And it's all because of your surgery!
+You want me to unstaple your stomach?
+No, I want you to give me every other surgery you have so I can look good! And can you call it an aortic valve replacement so my insurance will cover it?
+No problem.
+Okay, count backwards from ten.
+And so, to honor her success, I bestow upon Marge Simpson this hundred dollar gift card to Sweatpants Etcetera.
+Did someone order a super stud?
+My implants feel itchy.
+Yes, I was out of silicone rubber so I used rolled-up socks.
+He's a monster! Pitchforks, everyone.
+Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster!
+Cut his heart out!
+Different from us! Different from us!
+Listen, Homer, I gotta be honest with you...
+You better not make me cry. 'Cause I don't know where my tear ducts are anymore.
+I appreciate you trying to become more attractive for me. But the truth is... I'm way too successful for you now. I'm gettin' me a trophy husband!
+I don't want to live without you, Marge.
+Huh? Why do I look like me again?
+The doctor called me about all the crazy surgeries you wanted. And I said no. But I did have him unstaple your stomach and turn you back into the sweet man I love.
+Then it was all a dream. I never became a hideous monster.
+The only person who thinks you're a monster is the one who had to give you a sponge bath.
+And Dad, I hope you learned something from this.
+I sure have. Plastic surgery is a mistake -- because it hasn't been perfected to where you look really good. When it is, everyone should get it.
+Listen Marge... I've been wondering all these years, what is it about me that you find so irresistible? Let's face it... you could do better.
+It's "hoist with his own petard."
+Well, maybe I could. But every time I look at you, I see the same adorable boy I fell in love with.
+Well, there's nothing like a happy ending.
+Holy heavens! Is that a meteor heading for the earth?
+Maybe. But tonight there's a benefit for underpaid comic book artists of the forties and fifties.
+To the cash bar!
+AN YON PUSSYCAT / WO WO WOOO / AN YON PUSSYCAT / WO WO WOOO / PUSSYCAT PUSSYCAT / NAHN GOAT DOH EET / GO HAHM GAY HI SHEE / GAW DO MAHN-OO-NEE / NAHN GAW SO PEE YUH WOON NEE KOO ROOM GOOM YA BAW / PUSSYCAT PUSSYCAT SOW RONG AY / CHUNG MAWL LOW / NO WA NO-YUH-GOO-KOH Might be some of the wrong words in there, but, uh, pretty much nailed it.
+Can I help you with that, sir?
+Oh no. I ain't tippin' some jerk two bucks to tie a TV to my car. Mama Moe didn't raise no fools.
+Well, I guess I can just keep watching DVDs by following family vans around.
+Big Bird in China? Won't Grover get lonely?
+Oh no, wait. He's hangin' out with Derek Jeter.
+Now ignore all the fancy-shmancy thingamajigs, boy. We're just gonna get a camera battery and go home.
+Interested in a car stereo?
+No thanks -- just here for a battery.
+Big special on camcorders!
+All I want is a battery.
+Care to make love, sir?
+Battery, battery, battery!
+One battery, please.
+That'll be fifty cents -- or free, with the purchase of a $200 TiVO plus a two-year contract.
+Sold! Sucker.
+Sir, your TiVO?
+My what now?
+C'mon, Lisa! The TV's been off for five whole minutes!
+The TiVo is installed! Now we can watch shows, and skip the commercials!
+Will Itchy win again? Or will somethin' else happen? We'll find out, right after these ten commercials.
+Oh no we won't!
+I spit on your corpse, advertiser-supported television!
+And now for the exciting conclusion!
+Oh the hilarity!
+Without the commercial interruption, I could really follow the story. TiVo, you've got a season pass to my heart.
+Ooo, Opal!
+Sounds like you've given us some words to eat by. Doctor Chef will be back after these messages!
+Here's a message for you: Ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop!
+Welcome back. I have some big, big news: my boyfriend Straightman just proposed...
+...that we go on separate vacations again this year!
+I think I'll speed through the cheering.
+Oh TiVo remote, you've changed my life.
+I've gotten so much accomplished: I saved "Lost", watched all of "Rome" in a day, and got through "Two and a Half Men" in two and a half minutes. Then I ran out of space and had to choose between "Sophie's Choice" and "Schindler's List."
+Why is everything Hollywood makes so excellent? Whyyyy?
+Marge Simpson!
+Keith Olbermann?!
+That's right, content burglar Marge Simpson! You've been watching TV shows, but skipping the commercials that pay for them. That makes you... the worst person in the world!
+Oh, lighten up. You TV fat cats have plenty of money. My cousin Maureen saw you flying in Business Class!
+I was upgraded against my will! Look Marge, you think I'm handsome, don't you?
+Of course.
+Well, it takes a team of twenty people to keep me that way! Without ad money, I'd look like a swamp monster from a child's nightmare!
+And under here I look even worse.
+Then it gets better...then even worse!
+Stop it! Stop it!!! I'll watch the commercials!
+That's why this is the only mop endorsed by me, former NFL draft pick, Ryan Leaf.
+Mom, what are you doing?
+I'm honoring America's advertisers. Then we're going to buy some toothpaste, lease a new car, and vote "yes" on Prop Eighty-Seven.
+No! No! Prop Eighty-Seven lets big polluters off the hook!
+Impossible! Their commercial featured a talking frog.
+So tell those idiots in the state capital to let Union Carbide do their thing.
+Paid for by cartoon frogs for wetlands destruction.
+Howdy, folks! Are you tired of family arguments over where to go to dinner?
+Sometimes I think about gettin' on a bus and never comin' back.
+Why not try Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts! The rib joint with something for everyone.
+Good luck, with my finicky appetite.
+We've got ribs...
+Plain noodles...
+With butter...
+Texas tofu!
+Yummy, yumma!
+And the easiest placemat puzzle in the state...
+Lemme at it!
+Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth--
+WE'RE GOING TO A REST'RANT GRAND OP'NING / WE'RE GOING TO A REST'RANT GRAND OP'NING...
+WE'RE GOING TO A REST'RANT GRAND OP'NIIIIIIIING... / BUT DON'T FILL UP ON BREAD!
+THAT'S HOW THEY GETCHA!
+That's odd -- there doesn't seem to be anyone here.
+More ribs for me!
+There aren't any tables or chairs.
+More ribs for me!
+I see no grill, oven, or food of any kind.
+More ribs for me?
+Hello, Simpsons.
+Finally, some service. Now listen. We wanna sit under a cool state license plate -- Michigan or better.
+Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.
+That voice!
+That commercial was a trick -- specifically designed to lure our family here!
+And "Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts" is actually an anagram!
+Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return!"
+Sideshow Bob!
+And now you're all going to die -- just because you watched a television commercial!
+Next time a commercial comes on, I'm gonna close my eyes, cover my ears and scream as loud as I can.
+Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
+I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant.
+I'm Wes Doobner.
+Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard, and when I go out with my family, I expect a certain level of basic--
+Shut up! Now, since last we met...
+Oh dear -- Sideshow Bob, "hoist on his own petard."
+Oh great, here it comes -- all the boring things you've done since the last time you didn't kill us.
+You never ask what we've been up to. We went to the strawberry patch and I picked the most strawberries!
+Shut up! This time, to liven up my tale, I brought along some visual aides. Just call me... Slideshow Bob!
+Nobody do it.
+Here, we see Krusty helping you escape my clutches in Rome. After that, my family and I fled to England, where I found work as a chimney brush.
+Here's Buckingham Palace...
+Sorry, there's a lot of these...
+Bear with me...
+Yeah, yeah, we've all been to England. Is this going somewhere?
+I never stopped plotting my revenge.
+I snuck into America amidst a bunch of undocumented Canadian comedy writers for The Jimmy Kimmel Show, whatever that is.
+Then, it was merely a matter of constructing my trap...and producing the commercial that lured you to your dooms. Which, by the way, got me an offer to direct a feature.
+Which one?
+"The Hills Have Eyes Three: The Hills Still Have Eyes". And now, the moment we've all been waiting for...
+Finally, the ribs.
+You shall all perish in a tragic accident caused by a defective laptop battery, that will overheat, then explode, setting off this TNT.
+Let's not tarry -- As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly."
+Power on...
+This time, I've made no mistakes.
+Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was "'twere well it were done quickly."
+Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your Miss Hoover.
+Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up!
+I shall.
+Yet another new restaurant fails.
+Ten time attempted murderer and celebrity Jeopardy runner-up Sideshow Bob is in custody again.
+Next case: People versus Sideshow Bob.
+Is the defendant's attorney present?
+Your honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
+Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
+...I plead not guilty, by reason of insanity! Insanity caused by my persecution at the hands of this young boy.
+Young? I'm the oldest kid in my class! By like two years.
+For my first witness I call my father, Dr. Robert Terwilliger, Senior.
+Look, that's Sideshow Bob's mother -- Dame Judith Underdunk! She's the greatest classical actress of her generation.
+Dame Judith, you were brilliant in "Troilus and Cressida." Did they name the Toyota Cressida after the play, or the play after the car?
+My son is on trial for his life.
+I'm sorry, I know this is a terrible time. So just answer quick.
+Play first, then car.
+I just lost a thousand dollars.
+Robert was a peaceful boy, sickly and weak from a congenital heart defect.
+Awwww...
+But then that Simpson boy started tormenting him and he crossed over into dementia.
+To what degree was this dementia blown?
+Stop feeling sorry for him! He's a homicidal maniac! He deserves to fry!
+You see? He knows I'm going through a rough patch, still he harangues me.
+Who among you have not suffered at the hands of this demon scamp and felt the urge for retribution?
+He ordered prank pizzas to eight eight eight Poopy Pants Lane! Poopy Pants Lane ends in the seven-hundred block!
+He mocked my folksy ways!
+He cheats at Uno!
+Bob's playing all of you like saps. This man's a killer!
+See how he accuses me -- at my very own trial! I can take no more! I didn't want to use this, but you've left me no choice!
+Nitroglycerin! Everybody panic!
+Yoink! Foiled again, freak!
+You don't understand! I... I...
+That nitroglycerin was medicine for Robert's congenital heart defect!
+To which my earlier testimony referred.
+This man is dead. And you killed him.
+Ew, gross -- I'm touching a dead guy!
+America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths. Billy the Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesus Christ. Joining them now is Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, whose funeral we're presenting with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.
+And there we see Bob's grieving parents, his brother Cecil -- let out of prison for the occasion -- his widow, Francesca, and his son, Gino.
+Also in attendance are Bob's colleagues from the world of clowning. A veritable who's who of ha-ha.
+FAREWELL, SIDESHOW BOB / YOUR SHOES ARE EMPTY AND THE STAGE IS DARK / BART STOLE YOUR NITROGLYCERIN / AND THEN YOUR HEART INFARCKED...
+AND IT SEEMS TO ME YOUR LOYAL FANS / OUGHTA BUY THIS DVD...
+OF ALL YOUR BEST-LOVED SKETCHES / ON THE KRUSTY SHOW...
+IT'S FULL OF EXTRA FEATURES / AND DELETED SCENES / LIKE WHEN YOU FELL AND SPLIT YOUR PANTS / AND WE SAW YOUR "FRANK AND BEANS."
+Oh my God, it's beautiful! Are you buying this?
+There's the kid who killed my best friend! Buy my DVD.
+Bart, I know this is nuts, but try to look sad.
+I'm not sad. I have nothing to be sad about. Nothing!
+Well, I guess the rest of us should pay our respects.
+Yeah, well, between you and me, I still can't stand him.
+I still can't stand him... I still can't stand him... I still can't stand him...
+I don't care about these church jerks... church jerks... church jerks...
+Homer, your behavior is heinous.
+...anus! ...anus! ...anus!
+Stupid Sideshow Bob. Even when he's dead he wrecks my life. I hope he's in hell eating a barf burger.
+I once felt that way, too.
+Hey, aren't you Bob's brother?
+Biologically, yes, but we never got along. He was always zigging when I zagged. That summer when he wanted to tour the castles of Italy, I wanted to tour the castles of France. So we went to Spain, a compromise that satisfied no one.
+That's stupid. You talk like you're smart, but you're stupid.
+Anyway, I choose to remember Bob as the big brother who taught me to play "Botticelli."
+Sounds boring.
+Oh, you'd love it! It's a guessing game in which one player adopts the guise of a noteworthy-- you're right, it is boring. But the only way you'll find happiness is by making your peace with Bob.
+Well, I guess I could say goodbye.
+You'd better make it snappy. They're cremating him in thirty minutes. I'll be scattering his ashes over the castles of France! Take that, ashes!
+Hey Bart! You're on the front page of the paper.
+I'm going to set things right. Wanna come with me?
+Cool, I found a trapdoor that leads to an underground city. Here I go!
+I would, but tonight my dad's taking me to the batting cage. He's gonna teach me to umpire! Check it out -- an official Major League ball/strike counter!
+Ball one, ball two, strike one... Bart? Bart?
+Hi, Lisa. Hate to mix B with P, but your family owes me for two weeks.
+Milhouse, have you seen Bart?
+Bart Simpson? I think he went to pay his respects to Sideshow Bob. Mind if I sit down for a second?
+My feet are killing me.
+Feet? Killing?! We gotta save Bart!
+But I'm getting a home perm!
+Bob, it's me, Bart. I came here to tell you I never meant for you to die. I just wanted you to go to jail and get beat up a lot. Now everyone wishes I was dead...
+Then let's give the people what they want!
+Ahhhhh! Sideshow Bob!
+Bob planned this from the beginning --
+Uh-huh.
+He wanted to be captured at the restaurant!
+He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong --
+His mother was a Shakespearean actress!
+Oh yeah!
+His father is a doctor...
+A doctor, huh?
+...so when Bob collapsed in the courtroom...
+I remember.
+...his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death.
+Uh-huh.
+It was a diabolical scheme, and every member of his family played a part!
+Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home for ten minutes.
+When they find your ashes, they'll think it's me. And I'll be far away with my loving family.
+It's the perfect crime.
+And it was my flawless performance as the grieving brother that sealed the deal.
+Yes, and "Hamlet" is all about Laertes.
+Would you please stop comparing me to Laertes!
+If the doublet fits...
+Stop that cremation!
+Hey, what smells so good?
+Zeus's pimples!
+Hot! Hot! Hot!
+You're too late, Simpsons!
+Eat hobo remains!
+Get me outta here. What are you doing? I can't breathe!
+Marge, he's got to get over his fear of coffins.
+Freeze, Sideshow Snobs! You're all under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, but I hope you don't -- it's a long way to jail, and I like to chitchat.
+Wait, I must know -- how did you loosen the tiles of my mosaic of murder?
+I grew suspicious when I saw the casket had extra room built in for your feet.
+Why would your family pay all that extra money for the comfort of a dead man?
+Damn these glorious gunboats!
+Nice try, Bob -- but you didn't count on one thing.
+What's that?
+You stink like my butt! Take him away!
+Oh why must I feed him straight lines?!
+Well, this time I think Sideshow Bob is finally locked up for good.
+Yeah. The only thing that's gonna be hacked to pieces now is this celebratory cake!
+So... who wants a nice big slice!
+Slash! Hack! Die!
+There he goes again.
+Whoa...
+You have eighty-seven years to get used to it, father.
+East bids two hearts.
+Three diamonds.
+Three clubs.
+The joke's not funny and the bid's not sufficient.
+Nobody steals Willie's breakfast!
+Wow, I must have really tied one on last night.
+No more drinking.
+Six a.m. -- still early enough to sneak into bed and pretend I actually got home at three a.m.
+Where's Marge?
+Hey, kids! Have you seen your mother?
+Or yourselves?
+Maggie? Has anyone seen anyone?! Oh, of course, they must all be taking a family bath. Without me!
+Save some suds for--
+Daddy...
+Hey boy! Do you know where the family is? Show me on Mapquest.
+Fine. Google Maps.
+What's going on, why are you attacking me? Look, if this is about me eating your heart pills, they shouldn't have made them in Good 'N' Plenty colors!
+Moe, my family's gone, my dog hates me, and I can't remember what happened last night. Was I here?
+"Walked into a door, huh?" That is the lamest excuse I ever--
+Bell pepper!
+Was you ever. You came in sayin' you really needed to forget something, so I mixed you up the most powerful drink I got... the "Forget-Me-Shot."
+A "Forget-Me-Shot?" Never heard of it.
+That means it worked. No one ever remembers. That's why I made this video to explain the process.
+You start with a splash of Jaegermeister, then add sloe gin, Triple-Sec, Quadruple-Sec, gunk from a dog's eye, Absolut Pickle...
+Mmm, pickle...
+The red stripe from Aquafresh...
+And the funniest ingredient... the venom of the Louisiana Loboto-moth.
+C'mon, sweetie.
+You stir it with a home pregnancy test till it turns "positive"...
+And presto: the Forget-Me-Shot.
+Aw jeez, I don't look like that.
+The point is, this drink is the ultimate brain bleacher. One swig wipes out the last day of your life.
+Gimme one of those forget-me-drinks -- I made a mistake I gotta wipe out! I was trying to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but it turned into a Mel Gibson about Mexicans.
+What the hell am I doin' here? I gotta get back to the Latin Grammys.
+There he is! / Get him! / Hot sauce his eyes!
+Oh my God, why would I wanna wipe out my memory? What horrible thing did I do?
+You don't remember, huh?
+There was a domestic disturbance at your address yesterday.
+Chief Wiggum! I remember seeing you...
+What's going on here, Simpson? Am I gonna need the zip strips?
+Everything's fine! Cupcakes and sprinkles!
+I see. And how did you get that?
+What gives, Simpson? Giving your wife an Irish kiss?
+No, I swear!
+It was my fault! I... I walked into a door.
+All right, door -- you're coming downtown.
+Marge had a black eye?! I could never do something like that! Could I?
+Why don't you ask the person who filed the complaint? Not that I am authorized to release that infor--
+Flanders!
+Fine, it was Flanders. Now since you know everything, who was Jack the Ripper?
+The queen's private surgeonnn!
+Flanders, why did you call the cops last night?
+I had to -- I heard a hubbub, Bub.
+What did I do?
+I can't say for sure, but as a Christian, I assume the worst.
+What happened in this room? If only these walls could talk... people would pay to come see my amazing talking walls. And I could use that money to-- Hey, a memory!
+Stop, Homer! Please!
+My eye!
+No, it can't be! I would never hurt Marge! I'm a good man!
+Yeah, yeah. Me too.
+Ya know, doin' this is just confirming a stereotype for you Mexicans.
+I am from Costa Rica!
+And I should care because?
+Thank goodness you come to visit me, son! I can't take one more minute of this high school glee club pretending they don't hate being here.
+OH WHAT A NIGHT / YOU KNOW I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME / BUT I WAS NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME / WHAT A LADY, WHAT A NIGHT...
+You'll eat our cookies but you won't look at us!
+Dad, I can't remember what I did last night. Do you have any idea?
+Your memory bubble and you.
+You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes, which I did back in nineteen ninety-eight.
+I'm afraid I did something to make Marge and the kids leave me.
+Wait, I know someone who can help ya -- a doctor who helps people dig up old memories.
+Really? Well, that's great, Dad. How can I ever repay you?
+Punch that orderly who takes sips out of my juice.
+No wait, that's the guy that saved my life.
+Mr. Simpson, I have built a device that will enable you to explore your memories. The science was easy, but now I've got the hard part, coming up with a name.
+How 'bout The Deja Viewmaster?
+Remembrance of things fast?
+The Rememberererer?
+We don't have to come up with it now.
+/ My wedding! / A new puppy! / My first beard! /
+These wonderful wrinkle-bags are reliving their cherished memories of yesteryear.
+Ah, my first Christmas. Such great Chinese food.
+This is great! I'm finally gonna find out how I ruined my family! Strap me in, nerd!
+To me, "nerd" stands for "Not Even Remotely Dorky," so thank you. Thank you for the compliment.
+Now you'll feel a slight pinch... followed by an extremely painful pinch. Signaling that the spike will begin boring into your skull three seconds later.
+Bo-ring.
+Yes, that's right, boring.
+Ow. Ow. Ow!!! Three, two, one. Owwwww!!!
+What the hell?
+"This bubble allows you to view any past event from your life." It's got that new bubble smell.
+Aw, I landed in a pleasant memory -- look at happy me and playful them.
+And we're off!
+Now remember -- steer into the sculptures.
+Oh, I miss those bygone days of earlier this week. But I'm needed in a darker place.
+Those squeaks sound like couch springs. Groovin' to the beat of love!
+Homer?! I wasn't expecting you.
+Hey, what's going on here?!
+Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way.
+Another man... with my wife... in my house... on top of my TV Guide?
+I've gotta find out who that guy is, but I need help. Someone like Bart, only smart. Lisa!
+Another me? You can watch the kids.
+Lisa, I'm about to probe the most shattering moment of my life. You wanna join me?
+Might as well. You're getting this memory mixed up with a commercial you saw.
+With new Synergy Wireless, nighttime minutes start at six-thirty, and you get four free d-cast downloads per month. Synergy -- it's your call.
+Yo, Homer! Can you take me to when you were ten to see if I can kick your butt?
+Bring it on.
+You're superior to me in every way!
+Well, let's see how you do against twenty-year-old Homer.
+What is it you want from me? Money? Weed?
+I'll teach you to beat up yester-me!
+Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss.
+Who was it with?
+Uh... Apu.
+Kids, your mom is with another man, and I need you to help me find out who he is. Hm... is this really something I should show you kids?
+It's okay -- we're not really your kids. We're just representations of them, that you created in your mind.
+Really? Then if I created all this... that means I can have pizza anytime I want!
+Hello, I'd like to order a pizza. Thirty-five minutes?!
+Hey, what's going on here?!
+See? That's where my memory stops. Who the heck is that guy?
+What if you just moved the bottle?
+All right. Let me just get out of this bubble smoothly and elegantly.
+How can I get my memory to work?
+Declarative memory can be broken into two subsets: the episodic forms are stored in the neocortex, while the semantic ones are--
+Oh, can that tuna! We can get your brain to work the same way you always get the TV to work -- by hitting it!
+Hey, what's going on here?!
+Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way.
+Duffman!
+Duffman?
+Duffman!
+The mother of my children with the reason for my children!
+Stop, Homer! Please!
+I'm just givin' it to your wife. She is gonna be sore tomorrow.
+Your stupid invention made me realize my life is worthless!
+Well, if you can't stand the neural activity, stay out of the neural activator!
+So I did have butternut squash last night.
+My wife left me. I've done horrible things. My family's gone.
+My life is ruined.
+Goodbye, cruel world.
+And goodbye, Cruller World.
+Bye, Homer!
+Are you my guardian angel?
+Yes we are.
+Jump and we'll carry you to Heaven.
+Hey, aren't trolls supposed to be under the bridge? Ha, ha, goodbye.
+C'mon, what are you waiting for?
+We want to see if the splash reaches the moon.
+Good one.
+Wait a minute -- if killing myself would make you two happy, then I'm not gonna do it.
+Don't worry about our happiness -- for once, think of yourself.
+My life's flashing before my eyes.
+A life well-lived. Until last night. I guess I'll have to watch that now.
+Hey, what's going on here?!
+Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way. We were planning a surprise party for you.
+A surprise party?
+This magic marker's running out of ink.
+I'm sorry your surprise party was spoiled.
+Are you kidding? The mother of my children with the reason for my children! This is gonna be the greatest party ever!
+Oh yeah! Duff beer is sponsoring the party, featuring new Duff Champagne -- the beer of champagnes!
+Oh my God! It's like Christmas in December! Let's celebrate now.
+Stop, Homer! Please!
+My eye!
+Don't worry honey, I'll get you an ice pack. Where's the ice pack?
+I'm just giving it to your wife.
+She is gonna be sore tomorrow.
+Homer, we wanna get him away from Burns!
+So Marge wasn't cheating on me, I never hit her, and my family is throwing me an awesome party. Thank God I figured it out before I did anything stupid.
+Oh, right.
+Oh my God! I'm not dead!
+Homie, this is your party!
+This is great! I must be the first gullible husband to overhear snippets of surprise party planning and think it was my wife having an affair.
+Oh yeah! Keep it up, people -- the night is young!
+Um, it's eleven -- do you want to pay for the extra hour, er?
+Hmm, okay.
+Woo-hoo! Par-tay, people!
+Geez, Homer, I can't believe your plan actually worked.
+What plan?
+Your plan to make the surprise party a surprise again. Remember?
+Marge put so much work into that party. The least I could do is be surprised. If only I could forget what happened today.
+I got just the drink to wipe your mind clean... the "Forget-Me-Shot." Fellas, if you got anything that you want to say to Homer that he'll never remember, say it now.
+Blue pants make you look fat.
+I've never learned your kids' names.
+Your yard is unkempt.
+It is obvious you're bald.
+Your thighs make noise.
+I find your small hands attractive.
+I've spit in every drink I ever served you. Bottoms up!
+Hmmm... The only problem is, I'm sure to retain some image of coming home and finding Duffman. No doubt I'll misconstrue that as him placing a cuckold's horns upon my brow. And that will make me want to jump off a--
+For the love of God, make sure the party boat has a moon-bounce.
+Wow, I'm a genius. But there are still a few things I don't understand. Like why did Marge lie to Chief Wiggum about how she got that black eye?
+Because I didn't want him finding out about the party. I mean, he's okay, but you know he'd bring Sarah, and I just don't care for that woman.
+And when you pushed me off the bridge, it's 'cause you knew about the party and wanted to make sure I got here.
+Yeah, that must be it.
+You know, there's an after-party at the bottom of the ocean.
+This is good for two free drinks.
+Hmmm... The only thing that still doesn't make sense is why the dog attacked me.
+Because you never feed him, walk him or let him out to pee.
+Oh yeah.
+Who's an angry dog? Who's an angry dog?
+Now who wants a beer? Ha-ha!
+To a man I'm happy to call my best friend Homer Simpsno! Simpson! Dyslexia -- Duffman's secret shame.
+Aren't you going to drink?
+No, this is a moment I want to remember.
+Come on, Mr. Burns. Keep moving!
+We can't leave work till you do!
+Oh no! He's talking to that mailroom guy.
+I hope he's not telling that stupid story about hang gliding again.
+Listen carefully. I have taken your wife hostage. If you don't have a wife, I have kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand.
+Now, back away from Burns and I will let your dog live.
+Good. Now stop and dance like a happy prospector.
+Happier!
+Happier!
+Happier!
+Time to make our move.
+Oh right. Just leave! But kick like a Rockette!
+We're free!
+Empty apartment here I come!
+Set the table, Marge!
+I can already taste those deep-fried pork chops!
+Don't you remember what today is?
+When you ask me that it's never good.
+It's the first of the month. The day you promised to start your new diet.
+I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.
+Marge, that was a joke!
+But it comes from a true place...
+Well, if I'm gonna start a diet, this is my last chance to eat all the crap I love.
+I think I'll miss you most of all, Captain Corndog's Schnitzel Palace. No tears, Homer.
+Uh-oh, can't let Marge see this.
+Thank you!
+A drive-up trashcan!
+This must be how the rich toss out their gold. And as long as I'm cleaning out the family chariot...
+Cups... newspapers... bottles... tricycle... lawn chair... un-cashed checks...
+Hmm... "Dispose of proper--" This book is too hard.
+Now for a victory cigar.
+Thank you!
+The calamity in our fast food district destroyed thirty-seven restaurants rated awful to mediocre, and put these beloved mascots out on the street.
+I told myself I'd stay strong.
+There, there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat.
+I can't stand to see a grown burger cry. We must rebuild Fast Food Boulevard!
+I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a future where food is brought by waiters... where the chairs aren't attached to the tables... and where I can't ditch my kids in a pit of dirty balls. I say we rebuild the Fast-Food District -- bigger and better than ever!
+To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue.
+But won't that just shift the burden to your children?
+No, you idiot. We just pay for it with another bond issue.
+Let her figure out someone to dump it on.
+Then it's decided. The bond issue will be part of our next scheduled election: the Springfield presidential primary.
+But that's not till next June.
+In that case... I hereby move the election up to next Tuesday!
+That means that Springfield's presidential primary will be first in the nation! Even earlier than New Hampshire!
+Uh-oh! They're gonna be cheesed!
+As the day of the primary nears, this race is as wide open as a hobo's mouth at a pie flingin' contest. What do you New Hampshirites think of the current crop of Presidential candidates?
+Well, Mr. Rather, the way I see it, as my father always said, "the way I look at it..."
+Dan, breaking news: Springfield just moved its primary a week ahead of New Hampshire's! Now it's the first one!
+Sweet Mother of Murrow! We're off to Springfield, people! Come on, folks, move it! Grandma was slow but she was old. You have no excuse. Into the truck.
+To Springfield! / Which Springfield? / The one the Simpsons live in!
+Looks like everyone's gone but the cashier.
+Nice knitting on these masks, Martha.
+Now that you've said my name, I have to kill him.
+With Springfield's primary now first in the nation, our humble city is overrun with candidates, news-hounds, spin doctors, hacks, flacks, Russerts, Blitzers, and even the occasional voter.
+Sir, do you have a preference?
+Yeah, I like girls, Fruit Loop.
+Are you a registered voter?
+I'm a registered... something.
+This election is on every channel.
+C'mon, Marge, it's primary fever -- catch it!
+That's what you said about yellow fever, and that was no fun.
+I think it's exciting -- Springfield is the center of the political universe. I feel like a pundit in a think tank!
+Think tank, eh?
+Now let's consider World Bank lending policy towards Micronesia.
+What? Not allowed to get one right?
+I like you newsies. You really lap up the sauce.
+Do you have internet access?
+Sure thing, Mouse Pad. Ten bucks.
+Knock yourself out.
+This is Jon Stewart reporting from Springfield. Do I need to say my name? People know me, right? I know it's just cable, but... You know what, I'm not gonna worry about it. Great, now I'm worried.
+Hey, hey, it's Jon Stewart! Everyone's favorite political funnyman!
+Hey, Krusty! Haven't seen you since you bailed on that benefit.
+Yeah, well, I really didn't believe in the cause.
+Well, Krusty's Kids sure missed ya.
+But I was in "Die Hard."
+Die Hard Two!
+Yeah, they're great. Little clingy... but anyway, this Springfield primary election -- pretty crazy, huh?
+Yeah, it sure is.
+With many comic elements... such as, us?
+Well, if you ask me, there's more hot air here than there is at...
+Uh-huh...
+Are you writing this down?
+Naw, this is somethin' else. So, uh... where is there less hot air than here?
+Albuquerque Balloon Festival? Rush Limbaugh's sweatpants?
+Krusty, you're obviously fishing for jokes so you can steal them.
+No! That's ridiculous! More ridiculous than that place with all the hot air, which is...
+I'll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I'm gonna try to remember you the way you used to be.
+But I've always been terrible!
+With me here to comment on today's Democratic debate is Andrea Crowley of CNN, Dumont Evans of Slate dot com and Ron Lehar a print journalist from the Washington Post.
+Haw haw! Your medium is dying!
+Nelson!
+But it is!
+There's being right and there's being nice.
+Thank you all for coming to our focus group. Today, we're going to show you commercials from the Republican candidates. We'd like your honest opinions.
+This punch is too sweet.
+Your blouse makes you look fat.
+Opinions about the ads.
+I live in that place!
+Who should America elect in two thousand eight?
+Former governor Vincent Aleppo said in the New York Times, "I will protect the nation from attack."
+He's got my vote.
+I only have this much moneys.
+But in that same issue of the New York Times, they also printed an article about terrorist leader Nussaf Al Mustaffi.
+Dear God. What have I done?
+And ye shall judge them by the company they keep.
+Oh my God, they're going steady -- did everyone see that?!
+So, what do we think?
+Well, I thought every part of it was good, but overall, I hated it.
+I feel exactly the opposite but the same.
+That was the best milkshake ad I've ever seen. It makes me want a milkshake!
+The top fifth is consuming sixty percent of our nation's resources, while, the bottom two-fifths is consuming one eighth. Hence my campaign slogan "End quintile disparity."
+Look, we all care about quintile disparity, but the Democrats can't win with another prissy brainiac.
+Thank you, Senator Winnergill.
+That's Whiner-girl.
+Honey, how many of these signs do I have to put up?
+Twenty-five more?! What did I ever do to you to deserve this?
+You're never gonna let that go, are you?
+Oh my God -- this family is undecided!
+Undecided!
+I wonder who that could... beeee!
+Family values!
+Vanishing middle class!
+Cut and run!
+Terrorists win! Terrorists win!
+Stop all this pandering!
+If you haven't sprung from, or aren't married to my loins, get the hell out of this house!
+You too, Fred Thompson.
+Is everyone here as sick of those stupid politicians as I am?
+What about the media? They're not covering the issues, they just want to declare a frontrunner and go back to their mansions.
+Who wants to abolish democracy forever? Show of hands.
+I could really go for some kinda military dictator, like Juan Perón. When he disappeared ya, you stayed disappeared.
+Plus his wife was Madonna.
+What're we gonna do? We can't not vote. Nobody does that!
+Why don't we all pick the most ridiculous candidate, and write him in?
+You mean Dennis Kucinich?
+I'm right here.
+No, no. This candidate has to be unbelievably ridiculous.
+Chief Wiggum!
+No. But you're close.
+Roll over, Anne Coulter, and tell James Carville the news: Springfield voters have overwhelmingly rejected the major candidates of both parties in favor of a write-in: eight-year-old Ralph Wiggum.
+Shockingly, this new face is now favored by fifty-three percent of likely voters. A new frontrunner has been crowned!
+What I did made the TV thing happen.
+Live from our nation's capitol, this is "Headbutt" with Nash Castor.
+Our top story: President Ralph Wiggum? Two days ago, this bed-wetter made a splash in the Springfield Primary. With the remaining forty-nine primaries scheduled for next Tuesday, can Ralph go from Sesame Street to Pennsylvania Avenue? Adriatica Vel Johnson!
+Well Nash, Ralph Wiggum is a breath of fresh air for a country hungry for a change of air. And he's already a master of the sound bite, from his take on immigration reform...
+Stranger danger!
+To his disciplined stance on government spending.
+Well, um, I-I'd hate to be the fingernail in this Cobb salad, but we don't even know if this young man is a Democrat or Republican. Now before we invite Ralph to the prom, we should find out if he's wearing a tux or a tutu!
+Mom, they're taking Ralph's candidacy seriously! This is a disaster.
+Speaking of disasters, have you seen this? Springfield Dodge bought too much inventory, and they've only got one weekend to get rid of all the '07s!
+Lisa, I'm sure this Wiggum-arole will blow over -- you have to have faith in the wisdom of the average voter.
+I dig the Wig! I dig the Wig!
+Oh dear God.
+C'mon Lis, hop on the Wiggum Wagon. Ralph said he'd let me be Secretary of Indian burns. Here's my first official act:
+Lisa, being President is easy. You just point the army and shoot.
+And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution you have to be thirty-five.
+The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
+Oh, the Patriot Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out. What's next -- finding out what operas I go to?
+So it's agreed: we cancel the rest of the primaries and offer the G.O.P. nomination to this knee-high want-wit.
+My oil rig is already gushin' for this Wiggum critter!
+Do you have bats in your belfry? They don't even let him use big boy scissors!
+Sure he's a little green, but uh, y'know so was George W. Bush. And look how great uh... he-he-he... uh...
+But at least he won! The second time... assuming they don't find those ballot boxes in Ohio...
+Look, the Wiggum boy's better than anyone else we've got.
+Hear hear!
+This meeting of the Democratic Party will come to order, babies. So if we nominate this Ralph Wiggums, we will be like an unstoppable choo-choo. I already got my assless sparkle tux cleaned for the inauguration!
+I agree with my ex-husband. With Ralph on the ticket, I don't know how we will blow it. But we will. Because that's what the Democratic Party is all about.
+This is Kent Brockman reporting from the Wiggum compound, where both parties have gathered to court the most charismatic child since Drew Barrymore in "Firestarter". When she got mad, they got burned.
+Ralph, both parties want to offer you their nomination. Whom do you like?
+Go ahead, Ralphie. You're invited to two parties -- one with a donkey and one with an elephant. Who do you like?
+Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, Richard Nixon's chief of naval operations! So Ralph's a Republican!
+Not so fast, Kent -- Zumwalt ran for the Senate in seventy-six -- as a Democrat.
+No way, Lou -- you're thinking of Admiral Hyman Rickover.
+The father of the nuclear navy? As if!
+Only one place to settle this - to the offices of the World Book Encyclopedia!
+Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
+Ralph, darling, be a Democrat. We have Alec Baldwin, they have Stephen Baldwin. They might as well not even have a Baldwin!
+Leave him alone, you vultures!
+Who are you?
+Ralph and I used to date.
+Nice. Now maybe you can help him pick a party.
+Ralph, they have no right to do this to you. They just want to use you.
+Maybe I want to use them.
+Maybe you whaaa--?
+Use them to make this country great again. When we're mad we'll just use our words. Then the rest of the world will play nice with us. And the only boom-booms will be in our pants.
+Maybe you wouldn't be such a bad president.
+And you can be my first ladle.
+I like the sound of that.
+Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! / Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
+The following is a paid political announcement by the Republican and Democratic parties.
+Compassionate...
+Tough...
+Curious...
+These are all words Ralph Wiggum doesn't know. But he doesn't need to know them -- he lives them every day.
+I'm voting Ralph for President. His easy smile makes me think everything is okay, even when I know it ain't.
+I'm voting for Ralph, too. But don't tell you-know-who.
+On November 4th, vote for the latest in a long line of great American leaders.
+I want a tricycle... and a dog who won't chew my Hot Wheels... and a brighter future for America. I'm Ralph Wiggum and I've been a good boy!
+Dad, I'm freezing.
+Don't worry, kids. These wool socks and down parkas will keep you warm.
+We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just paid the heating bill!
+I thought global warming would take care of it. Al Gore can't do anything right.
+I got some old magazines to burn. "Popular Science," "Redbook", "Big and Tall Halloween Costume" catalogue...
+Next item...
+No!!! That's my memory box!
+Mom, I didn't know you went to college!
+Yeah, you always said that after high school, Dad "blessed you with the unplanned miracle of me."
+Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.
+Like which kid's their favorite! It's Lisa.
+You know, Mom and Dad are almost forty, and Bart is ten. That means you didn't have him until way after high school.
+Yeah, what happened while I was chillin' in Dad's junk?
+There is a part of our past that we haven't told you kids about. A turbulent part.
+C'mon. More turbulent than now?
+We're in every kind of therapy!
+Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the nineteen nineties.
+The nineties? Never heard of it.
+Oh, it was a wonderful time. The Iraq war was over once and for all, a struggling Matt Groening created "Futurama," and young people believed in their dreams, thanks to a TV show called "Melrose Place"...
+Your mother and I were dating and we had just moved into our first apartment together.
+Luann, a picture of you cheating on me is downloading onto my computer. I'll know who you were with in less than six hours! Unless someone picks up the phone.
+We didn't have a lot of money, but we were young and in love.
+Like all young people, I had a musical dream.
+A dream called inoffensive urban light hip-hop smooth grooves.
+LENNY...
+CARL...
+LOU THE COP...
+I'LL MAKE RUB TO YOU / SHOW RESPECT FOR YOU / HUG SO SAFE AND STRONG / BACKRUB ALL NIGHT LONG! / I'LL MAKE RUB TO YOU!
+Who said that?
+I'm afraid it's Top Ramen again.
+I'm sorry, I'm not ready to do that yet. I want to wait until I'm married, or at least really drunk.
+But our happiness was about to unravel just like Kevin Costner's career: because of the postman.
+Die! Die! Die!
+But Marge's education was worth all the pistol whipping in the world.
+And that is why the Lord of the Rings can never be filmed.
+So, have you all bought the required textbooks for this class?
+Good. Now throw them all away!
+Everything you think you know about history is a lie. For example: the Founding Fathers.
+What did they have in common?
+They defied a king?
+They created a system of checks and balances?
+Wrong! They were all white, Protestant, property-owning males!
+Well, well, well, look who's come crawling back to work for your old man. What do you need the money for? Medicine?
+This counts as your break.
+I did tell you.
+I can't believe I got in. It's like a dream come true. An expensive dream.
+This place is just like the brochure... autumn leaves...bull sessions...
+Hm, that is exactly what I'm saying.
+Fall Semester, you just got... interesting.
+I hope I'll be seeing you tomorrow during office hours.
+If my beads are parted, come right in.
+To the faculty club!
+Okay, I relit your pilot light. Now I just need to do a little work on the thermostat.
+Would you like me to tell you a story while I work? One about a woman I loved and lost?
+We're in the middle of our own story, thank you.
+Right. No one wants to hear about the gas man's girl. Just shut up, monkey man, and make the gas flow.
+Anyway, I was growing to admire my professor more and more...
+...so that's why instead of "X-X", I think of the female genes in a more positive light...
+Plus-plus.
+Homie, my mind has been opened in so many ways! Did you know that every U.S. president has been a straight white man?
+And did you also know that history is written by the winners?
+If you think that, you should meet my new professor. Professor August has shown me a side of the world I never knew.
+Uhhh... not exactly.
+Great question. And the answer is "of course." Could a tribe of bushmen have invented penicillin? Maybe they already have. But no one asked them. No one asked them.
+Marge, your art project for "protest studies" is very impressive.
+Oh please, I'm your advisor. Call me Steffan.
+Let me guess: he's a high school flame who's preventing you from flowering.
+Homer's perfect for me! Just look at this note: "I miss you." Aww...
+Actually, Marge, if I may deconstruct that letter... When he writes "I miss you," "I" is the subject and "you" is the object. You are his object.
+He's paying for you? Like he owns you? I'm sorry, but that is oppression.
+Marge, your assignment is to think about what I've said about your relationship.
+Before it's too late.
+Professor, do you think white male scientists have marginalized the contributions of the third world?
+Professor August says the situation comedy is a doomed genre.
+I wish you would support my comments.
+Are the lasers supposed to burn you?
+Marge! Marge! Where are you?!
+It's "Juan" Miró!
+Stupid townie!
+If you did the former better we'd use the latter less.
+That's it, townie! Run! Run back to your town!
+Marge, this dreamcatcher was given to me by a warrior of the La-ko-pa-NEY tribe. A tribe ruled by women.
+I think it has already caught my dream.
+Kurt? Kurt? It's Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Cobain! You know that new sound you're looking for? Well listen to this!
+Homer! You're embarrassing me!
+Homie, go home. We'll talk about this later.
+Homer, your music is so angry and bitter.
+Fine by me.
+Will you sign my boobs?
+Mom, why'd you stop talking for two and a half minutes?
+It seemed like twenty.
+Whatever, Homer and I had the wrenching task of dividing up a shared life...
+I was so depressed, I spent all my time in a bar.
+I don't sell booze no more. This is a cigar bar now.
+I don't feel so good.
+I wasn't tryin' to steal your watch. I-I-I-I was just comin' on to ya.
+Okay, let's go back to my place.
+Oh, boy.
+Ready to take my personal tour of Springfield's wheelchair unfriendly restaurants?
+Now where will I get my oxygen?
+Well here's a question for you: why should I stay with a man who resents how I've flowered?
+Who gets... Cutie-puss?
+I sure am! I want your knowledge inside me!
+Morally, I couldn't display them on shelves if I hadn't. But I watch sports as well, just like a regular man.
+Good Goddess! The "Patriots" are deep in "Redskin" territory. This isn't entertainment, it's genocide.
+No! No! I need whale songs!
+Marge, may I compliment your appearance?
+You look lovely. If I were to approach you for a kiss, would you construe that as harassment or give your willing consent?
+Ah. Continuing in that line of thought, may I kiss your mouth with my mouth?
+I had finally realized every rock star's dream...
+...hating being famous.
+RAISIN BREAD WITH APPLESAUCE / TONY DANZA HE'S THE BOSS / BRAIN FREEZE, BRAIN FREEZE / BRAIN FREEZE, BRAIN FREEZE...
+Look at that lighthouse. That's the ultimate expression of phallo-centric technocracy, violating mother sky.
+No, Marge. Everything penis-shaped is bad.
+Slavery is alive and well in Springfield.
+Marge, marriage has oppressed women for centuries.
+Oh Marge, it's statements like that that make people say women are stupid.
+A tale of two young outlaws in love...
+Have you really read all these books?
+Why don't we put on some music?
+Yeah, sure.
+Well it may sound mean, but I'm just trying to help you evolve!
+I only got denied tenure because my department head is an idiot.
+Der, duh, what did you say about me?
+I'm sorry, Professor Moose.
+You're about to get your PhD -- Pound Head Down.
+We interrupt this "Bleak Block" to bring you a breaking story. Grunge trailblazers Sadgasm have broken up.
+Reclusive front man Homer Simpson has holed himself up in his mansion, as rumors swirl about an out-of-control narcotics addiction. This is Kurt Loder reporting from... the nineties.
+Unfortunately, as I later learned, that wasn't heroin. It was insulin.
+Homer really did need those injections.
+I had become diabetic from drinking too many Frappuccinos.
+Oh, evolve yourself, Professor Jerk -- or should I say, Associate Professor Jerk!
+Could he be singing about me?
+He loves me so much... after what I did to him!
+Oh no, narcotics!
+Oh my God, you're a junkie!
+I'm getting you off this stuff.
+With the nineties drawing to a close, and the Sydney Olympics to look forward to, our love rekindled...
+And one moonlit night, I finally had fun at a mini-golf course.
+Homer, stop!
+You don't have to tell the kids everything!
+What did I miss? How did it end?
+Did you two ever get back together?
+Yep, that professor couldn't keep me and Marge apart.
+I mean, unless he had been a little nicer at the beach.
+Well that professor did teach me one good lesson -- Homie is where my heart is.
+And once we were back together, I was too happy ever to grunge again.
+Townies.
+I can't wait to see my Valentine's Day surprise!
+Good, 'cause I'm parking at it right now.
+A carnival? What's so romantic about this?
+Goodbye! / See ya later!
+Under "G"? Why would you file it under "G"?
+Homie, I got so caught up in the world of college that I forgot how important your love was. Can you find it in your heart to take me back?
+You're right. But I'm worried about what's on the horizon: reality shows, Britney Spears, the suspicious number of home runs being hit.
+For the next two hours, we'll be kid free. It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall.
+That was the best Christmas ever.
+Ah, the Tunnel of Love -- nothing gets a woman in your arms faster than scary robots and simulated privacy.
+Marge! Look over there!
+Mom and Dad are in there. Wanna ruin their fun?
+Bart, no, it's Valentine's Day.
+Okay... but if Dad kisses Mom too much, a stork will lay an angel egg in her tummy, and the next thing you know we find a baby brother in the cabbage patch! Here's a thumbnail sketch:
+In the first place... do whatever you want. I'm getting' a candy apple.
+Due to a classic Jell-O prank, this ride has been disabled.
+Please remain in your boats -- you will be charged for the extra time.
+This is a terrible Valentine's Day.
+What if I told you some of the greatest love stories of all time?
+Romeo and Juliet? Arthur and Guinevere? Brangelina?
+Even better -- a tale of ... One moment.
+You'd think so, but...
+They were the Bonnie and Clyde of their day. Their names were... Bonnie and Clyde.
+Miss Bonnie, might I escort you to the picture show? I swear I won't misbehave.
+Then no thank you. This is Texas! Future home of Akeem Olajuwon! And I've got dreams as big as he will be. I want action!
+Action, eh?
+Clyde Barrow, local bad boy.
+Bonnie Parker. Say, if you're so bad, you could go stick up that feed store over yonder.
+Unless you're... chicken.
+No one calls me "chicken" without goading me into doing something stupid!
+Ya idjit! You coulda had anything you want for free! You're a co-owner!
+I'll see you at Thanksgiving!
+Oats! Texas caviar!
+Good times.
+Finally. Some excitement.
+I guess violence is her only turn-on. Well, there might be others, but I'm too lazy to figure out what they are. So violence it is!
+There's somethin' this kissin' is missin'.
+Oh Clyde, you know just what a girl likes.
+Why are you shooting at us? We cooperated fully!
+It's a sex thing!
+Say no more!
+Hey, can I give you folks a lift?
+Yes, to a series of banks, up and down the state.
+Banks? Well deposit yourselves in a seat 'cause you've earned my interest!
+Dateline, Texas...
+A nation crippled by unemployment and bored by Seabiscuit, embraces two unlikely folk heroes.
+Bonnie and Clyde souvenirs are flying off the shelves...and the dust bowl duo has inspired their own radio show.
+Uh Bonnie, where'd you put the money we stole?
+I filed it under "G".
+We wanna hear a story!
+Because gee it's swell to have all that money.
+Their notoriety has reached the highest levels of government...
+To deal with the menace of Bonnie and Clyde, I am recalling all our air defense forces from Pearl Harbor.
+Somebody please remind me to move them back.
+I would be honored to perform that duty.
+They're outlaws?! I've been played like a pair of spoons! Well, who am I to judge -- it's the Depression, money's tight...
+Anyone who sees this unmarried couple should --
+Unmarried?! That's it, I'm turning 'em in.
+Hey keep it down, will ya? The part where all my men get killed is comin' up.
+Listen Sheriff, I can help you take down Bonnie and Clyde.
+After the racially-insensitive cartoon.
+One taco, coming up.
+Even I'm offended by this, and I'm a fat Southern sheriff.
+Um... the battery seems to be dead. I'll get some help by hidin' in that bush.
+C'mon, shoot! Shoot!
+Not me!
+Bonnie, I love you. Will you marry me?
+I don't know -- I guess I'm just looking for a little more excitement.
+Okay, but if you change your mind, you know where I'm at.
+I think we should see other people. Say Officer, I like how you handle that gun.
+Thanks. I like the way you take a bullet.
+Hey, back off -- she's my girl!
+Darn, just my luck.
+Cool. Now we're shooting the birds that are peckin' at the bodies!
+So that's the end of the story, huh?
+A story suitable for children!
+All right! This is a story of two dogs with a love so strong, no hose could separate them. I call it Shady and the Vamp...
+She's so beautiful... Imagine what she looks like with her collar off...
+A mutt like you could never get a fancy dame like that. Even her fleas have more class than you.
+Lady Bitington, will you be summering in the hindquarters again this year?
+Oh no. Chompy and I have taken a cottage in West Leg. It's where all the fleas are fleeing.
+Watch and learn.
+You know, Heaven must have left its doggie door open, because you are one--
+Oh, you poor thing!
+Is there anything I can do?
+You can have dinner with me.
+All right -- but keep your nose where I can see it.
+Can you bring a friend for me? I like those chicks with them head cones -- when they start talkin' you can drop below the horizon.
+Oh, Shady, you on a date, huh? How's it goin'?
+Ruff! Ruff!
+Oh, you say it's goin' kinda rough?
+That is precisely what I'm saying.
+Sit down, sit down, I bring-a you a nice bowl of Chianti.
+Let go! Let go!
+No. You let go of the spaghetti!
+You're pretty feisty for an upper class bitch.
+Ooh, I like that you use the technical term for a female dog.
+Run, run -- the health inspector man, she's-a here!
+Why didn't I listen to mama? "Serve food to humans!"
+I have to admit, that was exciting. And... I am in heat. That's the safe time, right?
+Oh, the safest.
+That was the most wonderful night of my life.
+That's odd. I'm never sick in the morning. What could it be?
+Uh... is that a fox hunt I hear?
+I haven't seen Shady in weeks!
+ANY MINUTE NOW / HE'LL SCAMPER THROUGH THAT DOGGIE DOOR...
+ANY MINUTE NOW / I'LL BE THE DOG SHE'S LOOKIN' FOR...
+ANY MINUTE NOW / YOU'LL BE STUCK WITH HER BROOD...
+ANY MINUTE NOW / THIS POOCH WILL KNOW SHE'S SCREWED...
+MY HEART TELLS ME TO TRUST HIM...
+BUT YOUR HEAD KNOWS HE'S A HOUND.
+I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING...
+Come on, with all this high-class tail around?!
+ANY MINUTE NOW / OUR GIRL WILL MAKE A BRAND NEW START...
+YESSSSSS!
+ANY MINUTE NOW / I WON'T CARE THAT HE BROKE MY HEART...
+ANY MINUTE NOW!
+Where's our Dad? / We need a Daddy! / I wanna go find Daddy! / Where's Daddy?!
+I don't want to hear another word about your father.
+We've gotta find our Daddy!
+Yeah, he's gotta teach me how to lick my... Oh, I figured it out. You go ahead.
+Oh, Shady! / Shady! / Shady!
+Daddy! / Daddy! / We need you, Daddy! / Daddy!
+One please.
+Ah! Got ya! You strays are goin' straight to the pound, where you'll be put to sleep... by my boring stories. And then you'll be killed!
+Looks like that problem solved itself. Now how 'bout you and me sniff each other's butts? I'm just kiddin'. Unless you want to.
+Well, looks like it's just you and me again tonight.
+Gorsh, you can't kill me -- I'm half-human! Look, I wear clothes, I speak English! I'm speaking it right now!
+Sure you are...
+You two are next. Here's your last meal...
+It's "Cycle Five" -- specially formulated for dogs with five minutes to live.
+Don't bite the hand what kills ye!
+Yay, Dad! / I knew you'd come save us!
+You two are going home. And I'm comin' with ya!
+This place is no picnic, but it sure beats workin' for Disney.
+Look who we found!
+Can we keep him? Can we keep him?
+That depends. Does he want to stay?
+I want to stay, sit, roll over and beg!
+Please, please, please, please, please, please, pleeaase!
+All right, we can be a family.
+All four of us.
+Uh... You know there are nine other puppies.
+Ruh-roh.
+Even love is boring when you're stuck in a tunnel of it. Why can't this be the Tunnel of Hockey Fights?
+Well I've got a Valentine's Day story! It's about musicians from a simpler time. The era of The Brady Bunch, Donny and Marie, and...
+SMASH THE FLAG / BURN THE QUEEN / KICK THE SKY / ANTICHRIST!
+Nancy, what are the odds? You sign up for a semester at U. of London, then I immediately do the same.
+Yeah, I'm really lucky you saved me from meeting other people and having new experiences.
+What is that raw, primal sound?
+You can't go in there -- our guidebook says not to!
+Hitler and her majesty / sittin' in a tree / b-o-r-r-i-n-g!
+You rule, Sid Vicious!
+You sicken me!
+Why am I hittin' myself? Why am I hittin' myself?
+He's so uncompromising -- he'd never go for an uncool spelling-bee champion like me. I've spelled "unrequited" -- now I know what it means.
+Yo. I got Duds, Chunks, Twix, Cadbury's -- any way you want to go.
+Chocolate?
+Nancy's too smart to put that in her body. It's only for losers, like musicians and...
+Musicians?!
+That's my girlfriend.
+Then I guess you'll be paying for her chocolate.
+Uh, okay.
+Gotcha! That's nice work, Officer Otto.
+Happy to be of service, old bean.
+S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT! / S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!
+Look, an American nerd bird.
+Nerd bird? Would a nerd bird have chocolate, huh? Would a nerd bird?
+Stop saying "nerd bird"! Chocolate is boring.
+Maybe I'll have a piece. You know, just to see how boring it is.
+Oh, you're offering me some? Um... I guess I could. I mean, I do it all the time!
+Yep, it's boring, all right. How much more you got?
+We're gonna go out and play our songs like we've never played 'em before: competently! Where's Sid?
+Sidney Sheldon Vicious! Where you been, chompin' Wonka?
+When I hired a guy named Sid Vicious, I assumed it would be a thirty-year business relationship.
+I told you to hire Tom Responsible.
+Slag off.
+Here they are, all the way from outside of Texas -- the Sex Pistols.
+EDUCATION'S BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! / AMERICA IS BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! / POLITENESS IS BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! / BOLLOCKS!
+Can't reach me bass. Me back is frontward!
+Dang it, I wanted to hear what else was bollocks!
+You gobbed up our gig, you git!
+You leave Sid alone! He doesn't need you! He's quitting the band!
+I'm doin' what now?
+You're quittin' the band. He's going solo -- and I'm gonna write his songs!
+Yeah! Hey, you guys wanna be in my new band?
+Just stop talking and bang your head against the wall.
+I'm doing this 'cause I want to, not 'cause she told me to.
+Bang harder!
+Yes, pet.
+'CAUSE LOVE IS THE ELIXIR
+THE POTION OF EMOTION
+THE WORLD-SAVING FIXER
+THE LOTION OF DEVOTION...
+This song doesn't make me feel angry at all.
+If anything, it's making my anger ebb!
+Your music violates everything punk stands for, which is nothing! You are no longer welcome at CBGB's -- "Comic Book Guy's Bar."
+Aw forget those jerks -- let's go back to the hotel and get Snicker-faced.
+Oh I love you, my Hershey Hero.
+And I love you, Tootsie Roll...
+Happy Valentine's Day, and shut your gob.
+Ow! Mom! Lisa hit me!
+I did not!
+Kids, knock it off. I'm uncomfortable driving your father's car as it is.
+What the?
+Fine. We'll divide the car into your side and my side. My leg is the barrier.
+The system works!
+It's not funny! You're wearing cleats!
+Stop it! Stop it!
+Sorry I'm late -- I was in a car crash. Many hurt, but nobody cool was harmed.
+Just sit down, Bart.
+Who's the new meat in my seat?
+Bart, this is Donny. He's here at our school because he was kicked out of P.S. one thirty-two.
+P.S. -- that school sucked.
+But don't worry, Bart. Willie's bringing you something to sit on.
+Hey, Krabappel, your name sounds like "crab apple." Did you go sour waiting for someone to pick you?
+Pretty much.
+Isn't he awesome?
+When he grows up, I want to be like me.
+Look, new kid, I'm the head hamster in this habitrail. Capeesh?
+Well maybe there's a new guinea pig in your cage. "Capeesh" that?
+Oh, I "capeesh." I "capeesh" just fine.
+Well, you just keep on capeeshing.
+See saw!
+Mr. Simpson, this damage will take a week to fix.
+While your car's in the shop, you can drive this loaner.
+Loa...ner?
+She's right here.
+Wow. This is the kind of car you see in commercials! How much am I paying for this?
+Nothin'.
+Hm, it seems like a lot...
+On the contrary. The loaner car is complimentary. It's standard policy.
+Really? You people are idiots! That's the dumb-- What a stu-- I mean, that sounds fair.
+Okay, so--
+Look at you! Idiots!
+DRIVER OF A LOANER CAR / MUCH BETTER THAN A / DRIVER OF MY NORMAL CAR...
+Whoa, fancy wheels. What song does the horn play?
+Classy.
+Hey boy, check out my new car!
+Cut it out!
+Wanna take a ride with your old man?
+C'mon. C'mon. Oh c'mon.
+Oh fine.
+What's the matter, son?
+There's this new kid at school who everyone thinks is cooler than me.
+Aw, don't give up, boy. I believe in you -- and not just because I have to.
+Really, Dad?
+Son, I know when we first met, we didn't really hit it off. But since then, I've really come to respect you. And unlike love, respect can't be bought.
+You're right. I'm gonna go to school tomorrow and show everyone I'm awesome.
+That's my boy! Now let's watch the air conditioner fight the heater!
+Now let's add the rear window defogger!
+Twister! Get down!
+"Air Skinner" brings it up. He bounces the ball repeatedly, in a dribbling-type motion.
+Great, I fouled out. Now can I go?
+Nope, I grant you five more fouls.
+Top this, Donny.
+Thank you, children. Welcome to the unveiling of our new school lunch purchasing plan, known as the Flex Plan.
+Students may spend up to ten points per day in up to four of seven categories. Unused points roll over week to week, but not month to month. Categories not included: meat, dairy, vegetables...
+That's odd.
+But, as a one-time occurrence, no cause for alarm.
+It's not funny! These movements are involuntary!
+This almost makes me want to find out how magnets work.
+Bart! Bart! Bart!
+Who did this? Until I find out, no one is leaving this mixed-use auditorium.
+But some of us have After-School Care!
+When I catch the culprit, and I will, I'm gonna throw this away...
+And use this instead!
+Principal Skinner?
+I did it.
+Young man, my office, now!
+Why did you take the rap for me?
+I don't know. I like your style.
+Well, remember this: Bart Simpson takes care of his friends.
+Come see me when you get out.
+Young man, brace yourself...
+For some congratulations!
+We did it! You're in!
+We finally have a man on the inside. We're gonna put Bart Simpson away for a long, long time.
+By law, the most we can give him is a ten day suspension.
+Well, that's long to a kid!
+All our other attempts to get a spy inside the Bart Simpson operation have failed. Uter, Ralph, Doug the hip guidance counselor... he's never been the same since Bart got through with him.
+Your extra-curriculars are gonna need a lot of work if you wanna get into Vanderbilt.
+I'll get the goods on this Simpson kid. You have my word as a snitch.
+Uh-oh, here he comes. Now this won't be easy, but pretend I'm a jerk.
+Young man, I'm gonna be on you like a numerator on a denominator!
+Let's take a ride. I got a place with a view.
+I've never seen blue vines before!
+They're only sold in Europe. I know a guy.
+Oh yeah, you can really taste the blue.
+Check this out.
+Oh that's so cool!
+Here's a little hair of the dog for tomorrow.
+Oh, thanks, Bart.
+Gentlemen, this is an ostrich egg.
+Now that we're buddies, I can let you in on some of the cool scams we run at school.
+Oh yeah, like what?
+Bathroom passes, doctor's notes...
+We can rig a cootie catcher so you can marry anybody you want.
+Whoa, Sherri! I'm in.
+Milhouse, bust out four of our finest juice boxes.
+I just wanna say... juice box fight!
+Sounds like fun. Can I play?
+How is that fun? Fun is only fun if everyone's having fun.
+Mom, what are you doing?
+Honey, this is how I save money on ketchup and mustard.
+Do you do it with relish?
+No, I'm kind of embarrassed about it.
+Mrs. Simpson, may I take you for an evening drive? Our loaner awaits!
+Did you just unlock the car from here?
+Uh-huh.
+Hello, you've reached the snug bug. What do you mean my car's ready?! Well you can keep it, 'cause I'm never giving up this one. Now why don't you enjoy the sounds of my wife and me making sweet, sweet love.
+That wasn't us, that was the transmission.
+Box fight! Box fight!
+One whistle!
+Two whistles! I'm one whistle away from three whistles, people!
+All right, here's the plan: we go in there, fill the coffee pot with crickets from this bag labeled "crickets" and leave.
+Skinner's five steps ahead of me! I put a tack on his chair, he's corked his pants! I throw a tomato, he's making salad!
+I have some information ye might be interested in. It won't be easy to hear.
+Because of your stupid accent?
+Nach-nae. Because of its upsetting nature. Skinner's gotten to someone close to ye. A rat!
+Who is it?
+I dunno.
+But Skinner's goin' to meet the rat right now!
+Thanks, Willie!
+A child thanked me! I gotta write this in my journal.
+Dear... diary... today I've...
+Got 'im.
+Where am I?
+You're in line for a measles shot.
+Okay, now we've made a guide hole for the real needle.
+Uhhh, Bart, where we going?
+Gentlemen, someone I thought I could trust is a rat.
+Now let's see, is it my best friend? My other best friend? Or a kid I just met?
+Donny...
+Grab Milhouse's legs. He's the rat!
+You grew tired of always being in my shadow.
+No, I like your shadow. It's nice and cool.
+Don't worry, we'll get him out in a couple hours.
+Oh my gosh! It's an outhouse, sent from the future.
+Hey, I'm in here.
+Be quiet, Robo-potty.
+Now that we've taken care of our rat problem, Skinner can't stop us. And I've got a prank I've been planning for months. We're gonna egg Skinner's house.
+We've already egged his car, his office and his father's grave. How's this gonna be different?
+Ahhhhh...
+Normally, you can't even buy these. You have to buy the ostrich and wait.
+How much of this is gunk?
+The whole insides.
+Whoa... to think this came out of some animal's butt. Beautiful, in its way.
+This car is amazing.
+The radio lets me contribute directly to NPR.
+This is Terry Gross from NPR, saying "Thank you"! Now back to our nineteen eighty-seven interview with Senator Alan Cranston.
+I never dreamed an American car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico from parts made in Canada, could be so amazing.
+Yeah, I can't believe all those years I used to drive that old piece of... What the?!
+My old car!
+So you're sure this baby'll make it out to the desert?
+Sure! Why, what did ya have in mind?
+Well, we're gonna start by shootin' her full of holes. And then me and the boys are gonna have a little fun with her.
+I'll have you know I love this car as if it was my own child.
+Sorry, Maggie.
+Say Simpson, would you mind holding one end of this banner while I put it up?
+My pleasure, sir.
+We'll see who's laughing when your house is smeared with ostrich albumen.
+Donny's the rat!
+Where do you think you're going?
+Ah get back to your knitting, Seymour.
+I will, but it's because I want to.
+So guys, before we hit Skinner's, I want to make a quick stop.
+Hey Bart, uh, what are we doing here?
+There's been a change of plans. I was gonna tell you, but then I remembered... you're the rat!
+No, no, no -- you've got it all wrong!
+Skinner's tongue was blue!
+Blue! From the vines you gave him!
+Why'd you do it, man?
+Look, you don't start out wanting to be a rat. Sometimes, it's your only option...
+Skinner and Chalmers wanted to get someone inside your organization. Someone with no history.
+Too cute, too tall, too Siamese, too Siamese...
+How much for that one?
+I'm sorry, Bart.
+You were like a brother to me! We were gonna take woodshop together and make nunchucks. And then take people to our lockers and show them our nunchucks!
+I know! That would've been cool...
+Are we gonna fizz this guy or what?
+Fizz me?
+A funny thing happens when you mix Mentos with Diet Coke...
+Now imagine that... times a million!
+And it's all gonna go down in Skinner's office.
+That's all we needed to hear.
+Running away rules!
+Sorry to plop, plop on your fizz, fizz.
+What are you doing here?
+I knew egging my house was just a ploy. You see, the rat who told you about my rat was also a rat.
+It was rats within rats -- which was also me dinner last night!
+Willie?! You're on Skinner's side?
+He gave me somethin' ya never could -- an elementary school diploma.
+Hot dogs! Getcher hot dogs!
+Bart, we're going to send you to the toughest juvenile detention center there is.
+And it's all thanks to Donny here, who can happily live the rest of his life knowing he betrayed the one boy who actually cared about him.
+Skin-ner!
+Skinner?
+I'm all right, sir.
+Don't ever scare me like that again.
+Well... I guess we're even. What are you gonna do now?
+What I always do. Survive.
+Hey, we should get together some time. You know, to make nunchucks.
+The rat symbolizes obviousness!
+Come and get me, you syrupy stack of man-cakes.
+It's too much work. Why don't you come and get me?
+Jeez Louise. Are you okay?
+Just gimme a minute. But feel free to go nuts on me.
+Oh boy, dinner time! The perfect break between work and drunk.
+Wait, what's that smell? It's like a stalk of broccoli fell in a pot of boiling water.
+It's your new diet!
+But I have all those old diets I still haven't finished.
+Your lack of bedroom pizzazz last night started me worrying. So I hired this nutritionist, Betsy Bidwell.
+Homer, did you know I used to weigh four hundred pounds?
+I'll bet no man would touch you.
+Well, I went from fat to "all that" using my simple, foolproof diet. It's all about little substitutions. Instead of French toast for breakfast, why not eat a bell pepper? When you crave something sugary, eat a bell pepper. Want a beer? Bell pepper!
+It's tangy like a pepper, but crunchy like a bell!
+Bell peppers! Pipin' cold! Crunchy and bland!
+Three please!
+Not quite.
+Yeah... Get out.
+You've gained seven pounds!
+Well, they say muscle weighs more than fat.
+Homer, your body is all fat.
+Homie... have you been cheating on your diet?!
+What?! I'm not even gonna dignify that with eye contact.
+Whatcha doin', Mom? Goin' crazy?
+Searching for evidence. I know your father's cheating on his diet.
+Hey Marge, looking for something? I'm looking for something too -- a bell pepper I don't like. Maybe it'll be this one.
+Wrong again.
+See that fat lady with the moustache? That's you.
+See that hippo rolling in dung? You're the dung.
+Now that's enough, you each got one in.
+Aw, But hers was better!
+Meet Jennifer. She's worried her acupuncturist boyfriend is "sticking it" to someone else.
+He used to be so loving. Now he says he's always working late. But when he comes home, his needles aren't even bloody! I've tried everything except talking to him. Help me, TV show!
+We'll find out if Jennifer's boyfriend has been fooling around, on "SNEAKERS."
+If you suspect a loved one of cheating on you, call the Sneakers Hotline. Also call if you don't suspect. Most cheating happens when you think everything is just great.
+Out of the house, kids! I have to make an adult phone call.
+Oh man, not again.
+Go, go, go, go, go!
+Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
+You wrote a report on it last week!
+The internet wrote it -- I just handed it in.
+Whoa, check that out!
+Cool, the strong kicking the weak's butt.
+It's disgusting!
+Now you two play nice!
+This is my husband...
+I think he's been Sneakering on his diet.
+I didn't use to mind it when he'd lock the bathroom door and snack off, but when he's getting it regular, night after night after night...
+There, there.
+I'm sorry I'm so emotional.
+No, I mean cry to the camera over there. There.
+Hey Martin, what are you doing?
+Excavating for arrowheads!
+Dude, it's Saturday, what kind of a freak wastes his--
+May I join you?
+Care to make it a trio, Bart? You can brush and I can blow!
+Well, I agree you blow.
+Then it's a plan.
+A lot of people blow, but no one blows like you.
+High praise indeed!
+When you look up blow in the dictionary--
+Bart, he's not gonna get it!
+The bone's the very thing, methinks / to prank my sister and the dink.
+Martin! I've made a major discovery!
+A bone?! It could be one of the major homo's!
+You're one of the major...
+Forget it.
+Martin!
+Oh my God!
+Grab onto this! C'mon, wake up!
+Bart! You can't just run away from this!
+You're right.
+I can bike away much faster -- and ring the bell to drown out bad thoughts!
+But Bart...
+Bart, Martin could be seriously hurt, or worse.
+You're right. We have to do something. Let's watch TV!
+HAPPY HAPPY SAFE AT HOME... / HAPPY HAPPY--
+We interrupt "Kaptain Kiddy's Komfort Karnival" to report on a grisly incident involving a small child, who has apparently plunged off a guardrail here at Springfield National Park.
+According to this pocket protector, the victim's name is Martin Prince.
+Sadly, his pocket was protected, but nothing else. And we know exactly who is to blame...
+No one. The boy clearly fell by accident.
+He crashed through the tree canopy there...and was presumably eaten by this cougar, who is still choking up parts of the boy's clothes.
+Tragic, just tragic. Do you think this would fit little Ralphy?
+Chief, that's evidence.
+I know, but after it's evidence, it's a shirt again. Isn't it?
+So Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?
+Dead. Definitely dead.
+Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to uh, notify the family first?
+What do you think I'm doing right now?
+HAPPY HAPPY SAFE AT HOME...
+Oh my God!
+We're murderers!
+I'm filled with rue!
+Hey, I was trying to help him. At worst, I'm an accomplice. I'm an accomplice!
+Book-mobile.
+Got any Joyce Carol Oates?
+Nope. It's all Danielle Steele.
+I've been in trouble, but never like this. Guess I'll go turn myself in.
+Uh... let's think about this. Martin's gone, but it was an accident. Ruining our lives won't bring him back.
+Lisa! You're saying we shouldn't tell the truth?
+I'm saying this is worse than a million A-minuses!
+So, how was your outside time?
+We-were-never-outside-we-were-here-all-day.
+That quick talking is never a good sign.
+That's-usually-true-but-in-this-case-it's-not.
+It's four o'clock on a Saturday.
+I, uh, I have to count the atoms at the nuclear plant. Conservation of mass -- it's the law.
+The load is on the road.
+This episode's gonna be great. It'll finally win me the respect of my father, the Reverend Billy Graham, Junior.
+Martin Prince was known by many names: Martin Priss, Martin Princess, Fartin' Prince, Martin the Brown-Nosed Reindeer...
+That was mine.
+Martin was a shy, awkward child who will never fulfill his promise to become a weird, unloved adult. The Audio-Visual Club has prepared a video tribute to their fallen associate.
+Jimbo, stop that!
+Usually when I do something bad, I feel good. But not this time. Martin was like Jesus -- only real!
+Bart, keep it together. People are looking!
+Don't you weasel out on me!
+Y'know, something bugs me. Martin was afraid of heights. What's he doin' on a cliff? It don't add up.
+Hey, look who's trying to add!
+You wuss!
+The pig is in the sty.
+You know, I used to make documentaries about coal miners, migrant workers... things that mattered.
+Yeah, yeah we're all whores. Just get in there!
+Into your hands, I commend this crap.
+Well, enough burnin' ants. Time to investigate.
+I now declare you chips and salsa.
+Oh, hey, kids! Um... What's up?
+What do you mean "what's up"? Why would something be up?
+Yeah, nothing's up and nothing's down -- except for Martin, who died.
+Well... I certainly wasn't eating chips and salsa from this briefcase.
+What's up?
+Nothing!
+Nothing!
+Nothing!
+Mmm, lamb.
+Uh... I've never said this before, but turn the camera off.
+Hey, ya little murderer.
+Those shades are killin' me they're so cute.
+Act like you're shopping! We can't be seen together.
+But we're brother and sister.
+Exactly.
+Give me an Indian burn!
+Don't make me say Indian again!
+'Afternoon!
+Doing a little shopping, huh? Shopping at the Kwik-E-Mart. I like how "Kwik" is spelled with a "k". It's a quicker way of spelling "quick". Well, you're busy people, I'll let you get on with your day.
+Oh, there is one other thing. I was up in Springfield National Park, you know, where Martin bit the big one? Found this bone tied to a string.
+Almost like someone was playing a prank on him.
+You like pranks, don't you, dingus?
+I like pranks. Everyone likes pranks. Even Dr. Hibbert.
+I hate pranks.
+Well, I better get going, the Missus is cooking meatloaf tonight. My mom, Missus Muntz.
+Bart, I have a plan: we go to the morgue and come back with a hand. Put its fingerprints all over the railing...
+Why are you being so quiet, Bart? Are you judging me? Please don't judge me.
+I can't live with the guilt. I'm going to Martin's house... to end it all!
+C'mon, pick up, pick up! I know you're there.
+Listen, baby. The other night was great, but it can never happen again. Oh, who am I kidding? I have to see you right now!
+Bart! No! Don't do...
+...whatever the heck you're doing.
+I'm tending to Martin's butterfly enclosure. His butterflies are emerging from their chrysalises tonight.
+You said you wanted to end it all.
+Dad, look! Raccoons!
+By which I meant bring Martin's butterfly project to completion.
+I can't take it anymore! The stress is killing me! I'm on a freight train to Crazytown!
+Calm down!
+You calm down!
+What was that?
+The butterflies are hatching!
+Aren't they beautiful?
+Greetings, my friends!
+This beguiling lute solo will ease your metamorphoses.
+It's a tape. Martin must've set it to go off when the chrysalises hatched.
+Now if I may mimic your mother's feeding call... CLAWDY-CLAW, CLICKETY-CLOO, CLAWDY-CLAW...
+Thank you.
+I thought I turned that tape off.
+Maybe you just put it on auto-reverse.
+"Congratulations on purchasing the Sanyo DL30, the finest non-reversing tape player..."
+Here ya go, hon -- one Butterscotch Stallion.
+Homer Jay Simpson!
+Pudding power activate!
+Oh no you don't.
+Let him have it, Marge!
+Sweetheart, I didn't want to deceive you. I just couldn't stand to see the disappointment in your beautiful eyes.
+That's it, Marge. Slap him good!
+Zack, you're not trying to help our marriage, you're trying to split us up! I'd rather have a chubby hubby than a sexy exy!
+Aw Marge, if there was a reality show called "Fat Guys Who Really Love Their Wives", not only would it be an enormous ratings success, but I'd be the first one on it.
+Marge, you've given me a lot to think about today. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the editing room to make you look insane. To the post-production trailer!
+Where is this music coming from?
+Get off me!
+His foot is caught in my button hole.
+I almost flicked an innocent butterfly. Bart, we're turning into monsters!
+No, not cool! We have to do the right thing, and come clean! Listen, world! We killed Martin Prince!
+That's all I needed to hear.
+You almost got away with it, but here's where you got sloppy: shouting out that you did it.
+Oh man, I'm too pretty to go to jail. You don't know how lucky you are.
+I'm just glad it was you who brought us in, Nelson. Remember when we used to date? If you let me go, we can get back together. I never let you cherry bomb my Malibu Stacey -- I'll let you do it now.
+Save it for the warden.
+Please, keep it down around the newborns!
+To quote Mark Twain, rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
+Yeah, and rumors of your wussiness are a hundred percent true! Now tell us how you survived the fall.
+For years I've worn underwear with a wedgie-accommodating waistband.
+On that fateful day, these mighty whiteys saved my life...
+Malheureusement, I landed right next to a cougar's lair. He saw me as easy prey.
+I feared death was a certainty, until I was saved by simple physics.
+I landed on a small isle in the middle of a murky lake. I spent an hour fashioning an escape raft...
+And three days crafting this modesty skirt.
+Well, it's good to have you alive, Dorkburger.
+As for you two, I hope you learned your lesson.
+I learned that beneath my goody two-shoes lie some very dark socks.
+And I learned that killing a nerd is not as fun as it sounds.
+There is just one more thing... You folks have a good night now.
+Bart, it's me!
+I'm Lord Evilton from the "Angelica Button" books.
+The last book in the series goes on sale at midnight, and we're gonna go stand in line.
+Wait in line for a book? You tell 'em Bart says "Hey".
+C'mon, boy. All the nerds are doin' it.
+I'm not a nerd -- I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.
+It's the final book!
+I wonder what happens!
+Maybe the Sandrux is the Narcolops!
+I read a rumor Spider-man's in it!
+Shut up! Shut up! This is a spoiler-free zone!
+Nice Angelica Button costume, Lisa. Althooough... the gryphon on your coat of arms is facing left not right, and F.Y.I.: Angelica wears two tortoise-shell barrettes... nice try though.
+I based my costume on the books, not the movies.
+Okay, I'm gonna hand out colored bracelets. The color on your bracelet will determine--
+Move or die!
+It's for my kid!
+Eureka!
+Now read it to me!
+"The dark lord has summoned you," said the withered troll.
+Do the character voices!
+And bring your cloak. The torture room can be frightfully chilly.
+Angelica's first kiss, da, da, da... Subplot about her cat, who cares?... Professor Skizzletwitch is a Were-bear... And, uh, no, no he's not... Maluicious Krubb is actually Kraluicious Mubb!
+Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!
+All is lost... Angelica uses the spell she learned in chapter six... Magic, magic, magic... All is won!
+Well, that's our book for the year -- I think we've earned some TV.
+TV! TV! TV!
+But kids, I want you in bed by three a.m.
+Hey, somebody's gotta be the bad guy.
+But I don't understand, how could he have murdered his wife if he was making a phone call three thousand miles away?
+Maybe he reached out... and killed someone.
+I saw this. He trained his dog to do it.
+Up next, which former "Friends" star is speaking out against adult illiteracy?
+It's Lisa Kudrow.
+Stop saying things, Bart! That's the TV's job!
+...and the First Lady has agreed to sit on the egg until it hatches. More after this.
+See that? That's talent. You think you got it? You don't. 'Cause only I can teach it -- and I ain't taught you... so you don't.
+The Chazz Busby Ballet Academy is coming to Springfield.
+Auditions are Monday. Callbacks are Tuesday. Wednesday you see I'm a heartless bastard. Thursday you realize you love me, dammit. Friday, we're closed.
+You're fired. You're her. Jump, dance, love.
+A ballet academy here in Springfield?! Move over, Europe!
+I didn't know you cared about ballet.
+Lisa, have I ever shown you my Shattered Dreams Box?
+It's upstairs in my Disappointment Closet.
+Oh. Oh.
+That's right. Now I'll cut and you soak.
+There were so many things I wanted to do in life that I never got a chance to do: doctor , safecracker , stethoscope sales lady ... none came to pass. But the thing I really wanted to be, ever since I was little, was a ballerina!
+So what happened?
+My bosoms came in and ruined my balance.
+Really? How?
+They came in one at a time.
+Do you think mine...
+No, I'm pretty sure you'll have your dad's boobs.
+Mom, it's not too late to un-shatter your dream! Martha Graham danced well into her seventies.
+Wait, you mean she danced well, into her seventies? Or she danced, well into her seventies?
+Well... she danced into her seventies.
+I think you've got a point! Homie, I'm gonna be a dancer!
+Go-go or boring?
+Boring!
+Okay, ladies, listen up -- forget everything you've ever learned about ballet. Good. Now from Bolshoi Fifth Position, give me a Battement Glissé, a Double Changement, two Swan Lake Fouettés, then finish with a Grand Pas De Chat.
+Now show me what you got, uh... Simpson, comma, Marge!
+I haven't seen dancing like that since my Broadway Show "Dancing Like That." Closed in a week. Too smart for the corndog crowd. Too dumb for the bagel bunch. You keep it up, kid. You got somethin'.
+Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep dark family secret.
+You have a drinking problem?
+I said secret.
+Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?
+Gay out?
+Well wonder no more!
+Dad... marinating with you is cool.
+Thanks, son.
+Some of that is cow blood.
+Look, Lis! I'm as supple as ever!
+It won't go down!
+Marge, Marge, Marge -- you know what they say, those who cannot do...
+No -- they go home. How can they teach if they can't do? Get out!
+Who the hell...?
+... taught you to stand like that?
+This is how I always stand when I tell adults what they should be doing.
+You have naturally perfect posture! I rarely say this, but, how would you like to become a paying student at my dance academy?
+Uh, I don't know I--
+We accept!
+I'm sorry, I got confused.
+You don't get to be "confused." Not till you've won six Tonys, gone into rehab, married your plastic surgeon, retired, then un-retired in a special little show called "Woman of the Year." You can't, uh... yeah, I forget where I'm goin' with this. Take a break, people.
+Eh, eh, eh -- en pointe!
+This is so hard!
+Get used to it. We ballerinas are under constant pressure to stay focused, skinny, graceful and skinny.
+How do you cope with it?
+You find out what works for you. For some people, it might be yoga, for others, meditation...
+But for every ballerina in the world, it's cigarettes.
+Cigarettes?! They could kill you. They did a whole episode about it on "The Suite Life of Zach and Cody"! Zach tried to impress a girl by smoking. But she went for Cody instead! Zach's life wasn't so sweet then.
+Hey, if God didn't want ballerinas to smoke, how come I can do this?
+Wowww... No! All I need to stay focused is good old-fashioned fresh air.
+Nothing like fresh air.
+Fresh air.
+Horrible, horrible, horrible... no longer describes your dancing, Lisa. You're good, kid!
+I've gotten better since this morning. How could that have happened?
+Maybe it's all the secondhand "focus" and "pep" you're inhaling.
+They don't call these "dancer sticks" for nothin'.
+I thought they were cancer sticks.
+I dan't dear dou!
+My Hindu friend, this is a chance for your Kwik-E-Mart to get in on the ground floor of a delicious new taste sensation.
+You talk a good game -- but do you have the product to back it up?
+Step into our Jerkatorium.
+What the?!
+Where's our jerky?
+You have wasted my time! You have made a very powerless enemy. Good day and be well!
+Wait, wait, wait, wait! You haven't seen our Power Point presentation. Bart?
+J -- Just the product you need. E -- Excellent value. R -- Retailer's dream. K--
+You can skip the "K" and the "Y" -- I do not thank you and I will not come again.
+Who could have done this?!
+Well, something chewed through the cellar door... and the floor is covered with paw prints...
+This can only mean one thing.
+Flanders! You ate my jerky!
+As the oak said to the beagle, you're barkin' up the wrong tree. I spent the whole morning blackin' out the "goshes" and "darns" in these Hardy Boys books.
+I know you ate my jerky. Just like I ate your earthquake supplies!
+You stay right here.
+Okily dokily!
+Ah, "heck," "darn" -- I don't think so.
+Lisa... Lisa Simpson...
+Time for a smoke.
+Look, everyone knows that cigarettes are where flavor lives and a cool choice for a hot night. But they're for losers!
+Losers? You mean losers like...
+Simone de Beauvoir, Margaret Mead, Queen Elizabeth the First, Lauren Bacall...
+My feminist heroes!
+Don't forget me, Lillian Hellman! Smoking gave me the energy I needed to write plays and invent mayonnaise! Bring out the Hellman's, and bring out the best.
+Puff with us! Puff with us! Puff with us!
+Yeah, that's it, don't be shy...
+Enjoy your jerky laced with sleeping pills... nobody outwits Homer Simpson... Hey, they're not sleepy. They're just turning fuzzy...
+Homer, you ate their jerky.
+I thought this might happen, so I brought the best weapon to operate while drugged: a crossbow.
+Chazz Busby says you're really making progress! Do you need more leg warmers?
+No, stop buying me leg warmers! I'm already wearing six pairs!
+Well, the important thing is, someday I'll be watching my little Marge dancing at Lincoln Center.
+Lisa, Mom. I'm Lisa.
+Of course -- you're Lisa. Lisa the dancing Marge girl.
+Dad, you never win a fight with animals. Remember when you lost that war with the worms?
+That wasn't a defeat, it was a phased withdrawal.
+Oh yeah? They made you build this statue.
+Dad! Dad, a little help?
+You're on your own.
+When you cut 'em they multiply -- I can't fight that! Now let's take care of those raccoons.
+Awww, they're using the jerky to feed their family! Look, there's a Homer and a Bart and a Marge and a Lisa. Aww... and they even share my views on parenting!
+Enjoy your jerky, little critters, and one day you'll grow up to be people. Bart, get some more jerky for man's new best friend.
+When's our next break?
+When the big cigarette hits nine.
+All right -- that was pretty good for uncoordinated hippopotamuses. Hit the river, ladies. Go ahead, have a wallow.
+What am I doing? I don't need secondhand smoke to do ballet.
+I need firsthand smoke!
+Gimme that!
+I can't believe how easy it is in this country to get cigarettes.
+I can't believe you were smoking. Do you know the sturgeon general said you're not supposed to?
+A sturgeon is a fish.
+And a very wise fish he is!
+Marge, I'm taking Lisa out of that stupid-- What the?
+Oh Homie, I've been so happy lately. I'm completely fulfilled, both as a mother and a fan of youth ballet! Now what did you want to say to me?
+Uh... are you sure you want Lisa to keep dancing?
+There's nothing that makes a mother's heart soar more than seeing her child take wing. Look at me, I'm glowing!
+Maybe you're drunk.
+Homie, Lisa's dancing has made me really, really, happy.
+Fatherhood hurts my brain.
+Because it means so much to your mother, you can keep doing ballet. But you have to stop smoking -- including secondhand!
+That's easy for you to say. You've never had to be thin and focused.
+What'd you say?
+I'm just saying it's gonna be hard for me to quit, especially before the recital.
+I thought you might have trouble with this. That's why I'm assigning someone to keep watch over you. Someone you'd never expect.
+Is it Bart?
+Come on out, boy.
+For the next three days I'm gonna stick to you like waffle syrup on a shag rug. I'm gonna be on you like fish stink on a Gloucester dog. I'm gonna be all over you like-- Hey, where'd she go?
+Okay, everybody! Dress rehearsal!
+Hey, I'm still paying for that nose!
+Lisa, the last time I checked this was not Worldwide Wrestling. And I checked five minutes ago!
+Hey Lisa, come on over.
+I can't -- I promised I wouldn't.
+If you don't breathe it, that smoke might go into a baby.
+Well, since you cared enough to apply peer pressure...
+Y'ello. She what?! Oh, my God! Well I'm gonna settle this once and for all! Meet me at the place we discussed.
+Who was that?
+Wrong number.
+Five minutes, ladies.
+Okay, Bart, it's time for operation: crazy-plan. Step one: we chuck the raccoon in there.
+What if someone catches him?
+Don't worry. I have a perfect way to conceal his identity.
+See? Now go, boy!
+Not keys, cigarettes!
+Yeah, that's what I mean.
+For three boxes?
+Hee-hee. Okay, now we get rid of the cigarettes...
+Lord, I could use a smoke.
+Thank you, God. Cigarette?
+Can't, I'm pregnant.
+Uh... One more favor?
+Wow, what a great first act.
+I hope Sleeping Beauty never wakes up.
+My cigarettes! What happened to my cigarettes?!
+Found one!
+That's your finger!
+I don't care!
+Watch your hoof, you blue-ribbon sow!
+I'll spit on your grave, grandma!
+Oh no, my appetite's coming back!
+I haven't seen crap like this since my Broadway show "Crap Like This." Ran for five years.
+We can smoke the programs!
+I can smoke my hair!
+Maybe there's gum under the seats!
+All right, that's enough!
+I want to talk about a horrible practice afflicting millions of Americans. For years we've known how dangerous it is. It stunts your growth. And it's marketed to children. I'm talking about ballet.
+I'll smoke to that!
+Ballet is unnatural and unfair to women. I shall now cast off the shoes of oppression!
+You'll never take down big ballet! Never! Now good day.
+This is my favorite family tradition -- ice cream after a botched recital.
+And I'm happy to be smoke-free -- thanks to these children's nicotine patches.
+Now, when exactly did the hurricane pass through your town?
+And I realize it's wrong to try to live your career dreams through your children.
+Does that mean I can stop training to be a Mexican wrestler?
+Now practice preening to the crowd, El Guapo.
+Come on, preen harder! Make them hate you! You feed on their hatred... and you are so hungry!
+No me gusto. Que lastima.
+Dad, are you sure you're okay to drive at night?
+It's night?!
+All right, that's it, pull over.
+Now don't you worry. Just sit back and relax to the smooth sounds of Tommy Dorsey's All-White Orchestra.
+Son, let this music take you to a time when girls were girls and a Hershey bar was as thick as a phone book -- I'm sick of this song!
+I don't like this one either -- too optimistic!
+Too slow! Too fast! No zazz! Too much zazz! More boogie! Less woogie! My back hurts! All my friends are dead!
+Nice one.
+Thanks.
+Son, call me an ambulance.
+And while I'm in the hospital, you'll have to visit me every day. And then I'll have to come live with you while I recover.
+Eventually I'll die in your home, which'll hurt the resale value, but it'll all be wor--
+Dad... Dad? Wake up!
+I was having the most wonderful dream. I always wake up just before the good part.
+You can just drop me off here.
+I'll see you later, honey.
+Er, uh... yes?
+I'm delivering your Scout Gal Cookies, Mayor Quimby! That'll be thirty dollars!
+The money helps us serve the community! We plant trees, pick up litter, cut up milk bones for old dogs...
+It was a rhetorical question.
+And I used rhetoric in my answer!
+Let's just move on.
+...Twenty-seven to the left... and open.
+Where's all the money?
+Why it's right...
+Uh-oh. We spent all our money on that new slogan for Springfield.
+Um... what say you leave the cookies, and I pay you double next year?
+Sir, I didn't get this "skepticism" merit badge falling for promises like that.
+If you don't give me those cookies, I'll pass a law forcing your organization to accept gay scout leaders.
+I would strongly support that measure.
+Just give me those cookies!
+Let go. This is a low point for my administration.
+People of Springfield, our city is broke.
+Uh, when you say broke, do you mean really broke, or uh, "O.J. Simpson broke?"
+Really broke! I've been reduced to using this cheap novelty gavel.
+Order! Order!
+Homer Simpson. I know a lot of you from church, and the market and such. And I'm not much for talkin' -- but seems to me, in hard times like these that we Americans come together.
+So I say we roll up our sleeves, and fake a disaster to trick the federal government out of relief money.
+Rip off the federal government? Hm, I have reservations... for dinner in five minutes. So all in favor, say aye!
+The "ayes" have it.
+Er uh, five minutes ago. You just missed it.
+FEMA will help you rebuild this town.
+Your first ten million dollars will arrive as soon as you submit this form, and the twenty-five hundred dollar processing fee.
+And that's how...
+...a fake FEMA official scammed us out of twenty-five hundred dollars. We are now worse than broke.
+Panic not, fellow Springfielders!
+I've gone through the town's financial records, and it turns out there are millions in uncollected city taxes.
+We shall collect each and every back tax owed! Everyone from...Comic Book Guy to...Milhouse. No one shall be spared!
+Dozens of swindling deadbeats, as well as this respected reporter who made an honest mistake, have paid their back taxes, leaving only one outstanding debtor: country music star Lurleen Lumpkin! Seen here at the height of her fame.
+BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT, KERMIT / BUNK WITH ME TONIGHT...
+Really, Lurleen?
+Hiii-ya!
+Hey Dad, that's the singer you used to manage!
+Oh, right. Dad was Colonel Homer and he wore that awesome suit and Lurleen wanted to bunk his brains out! But I forget how Mom felt about it...
+Kids, marriage is like a car. Along the way it has its bumps and dings, and this country can't make one that lasts more than five years. With Lurleen I just walked past the showroom and didn't even go inside. Now let's return to watching the news.
+Ms. Lumpkin owed fifty thousand dollars in back taxes. With penalties, interest and the celebrity resentment tax, that sum has grown to twelve million dollars. However, she's been missing for several years, since her career went into a downward spiral.
+I told her not to go into one of those.
+Double ew!
+The entire city is searching for her. Not for any reward, but for the pleasure of destroying someone they once admired.
+Save some for me!
+Got her!
+Krusty?
+I just wanna win one thing in my life!
+It's not real.
+Don't you dare ruin the moment!
+Look at those idiots. I bet Lurleen's a million miles away right now...
+Hey, Homer.
+Shh! I'm more wanted than the last petal on a bloomin' onion.
+Don't worry, you can stay with us. I'm sure Marge will be cool.
+I'm taking you to your home, before you wreck mine!
+You live here?
+Bye, Marge.
+Well, at least she's got a friend.
+Your turn to clean the toilet.
+Where is it?
+You're holding it.
+Get in!
+Oh, come on!
+Thanks, Marge. Gee, after all that's passed between us, I mean... Well, you're a bigger woman than I am.
+Are you calling me fat?
+No, no, no! I'll just be quiet.
+Lurleen, this barbecue is delicious.
+Oh, it's just a traditional southern recipe: ketchup, Coca cola, and fricasseed possum.
+Just kiddin'. It's actually chicken.
+Well I think it's wonderful. My diet starts tomor-row!
+Listen, I'm sorry I called you all those mean things like, oh, I don't even remember...
+Confederate degenerate?
+Southern-fried succubus?
+Hee-Haw Ho?
+Oh, that's all right, Marge. I'm just so grateful that y'all took me in and hid me from...
+Freeze, Patsy Crime!
+Chief, you okay?
+Yeah, yeah.
+Why'd you jump off the roof?
+I just wanted to be extraordinary.
+Your honor, I would love to pay the money I owe, but country music changed, and I went out of style.
+Objection! Speculating on the trajectory of trends in country music.
+I'm going to allow it. Lurleen, the court orders you to make payments of a hundred dollars a week till such time as your music comes back in style or becomes appreciated for its camp value.
+All right, what's the next case?
+Judge, next we have a man who's suing his wife for not dressing sexy enough in "The Case Of The Horny Husband."
+What the?
+I thought if we acted like "The People's Court," some day we'd be "The People's Court." Well, a bailiff can dream, can't he?
+No he can't.
+I don't get it, Lurleen -- how did you lose all your money? Did it go up your nose? Between your toes?
+Sadly, no. Most of my money went to my ex-husbands.
+Boy, you sure have married a lot of super-hunks.
+Well, from now on, the only thing I'm gonna be married to is my work.
+I've already accepted... "a high-octane job in the nightlife industry."
+All right, I need you to get the rats outta the jukebox, and clean the vomit out of the pool table pockets, and then you've got the job. Oh, and you've gotta share your tips with Manuel, who's actually me with a fake moustache.
+Ees good job, you should take it.
+Say Lurleen, are you Jamaican? 'Cause "Jamaican" me crazy.
+That's sweet, but I'm not lookin' to date.
+No, I'm glad you said that. 'Cause you reminded me that I'm not looking to date, either. So... so great.
+Hey Lurleen, I'm going down to the rock quarry tonight to throw stones at the woodchucks. Wanna come?
+It's okay, I understand.
+Someone's lookin' at a snake in her mailbox.
+She turned down Lenny... and Carl? That's like someone who doesn't like hamburgers or hotdogs. What could make her hate men like that?
+I WAS CRYIN' IN MY CRADLE / WHEN MY DADDY HOPPED A TRAIN...
+HE LEFT A HO-OLE IN MY HEART / AND FILLED IT UP WITH PAIN...
+I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF LIQUOR...
+WILL SOOTHE MY ACHIN' TICKER... /
+'CAUSE THE LONGIN' FOR MY DEADBEAT DADDY...
+IS STILL PUMPIN' THROUGH MY VEINS.
+So that's it. She's been burned by the most important man in her life... her father.
+How could a man just abandon his family? By which I mean, what is the method he would use and could anyone do it?
+Where you going?
+Lurleen Lumpkin has a hole in her heart, and I'm gonna fill it.
+I've talked to over five hundred men named Lumpkin... everyone at Lumpkin, Lumpkin and Rosenthal Associates, an Asian or Pacific Islander named Cho Lum Kin...
+Good luck in searchings!
+...but still no sign of Lurleen's dad!
+Hello, are you Royce Lumpkin?
+That's right.
+The father of Lurleen Lumpkin?
+Lurleen? I ain't seen my little girl in thirty years. She must be what, uh, twelve, thirteen by now?
+She's thirty-four, and she's having a rough time!
+Oh man... I better whiskey up these corn flakes.
+She needs to see you right away!
+Oh man... I better heroin up this orange juice.
+There's only one man who can hambone like that...Daddy!
+Lurleen?! My goodness -- why you're the spittin' image of your mother's hotter sister!
+Royce Lumpkin, where you been?
+I've been a dang fool, that's where. Can you forgive me, Lurleen? The way that I immediately forgave myself?
+I can, Daddy!
+I made that hug happen!
+Wait a minute -- he's a deadbeat dad, and yet he's getting as much love as me, a Dad too lazy to run away!
+And he has hair! Bart, get me my suicide axe.
+No suicide axe!
+You know what I like best about this t-shirt? I'll always be able to see your face.
+Aww, well, you don't need a t-shirt for that, Tootsie Pop. 'Cause I ain't ever gonna leave you again.
+Just sit still in my lap!
+What lap?
+Yeah, all I see is a gut with knees!
+Why you little--
+Get back here so we can put our love on a shirt!
+All right, I get it, I get it.
+Lurleen's daddy comes back after thirty years and he's father of the year. Why can't I leave for thirty years?
+Fine with me. Look, I packed you a bag.
+Well... it might be cold outside.
+No problem. I bought you a hat.
+Oh, I see. It's reverse psychology. Well in that case I'm not going and I'm not staying. And I'll cut my steak with a spoon, then take a walk on the ceiling.
+Oh Daddy, you made me the happiest girl on whichever side of the Mississippi this is. And last night I wrote this song just for you.
+THIRTY YEARS YOU MADE ME CRY / BUT NOW I SEE YOU AIN'T SUCH A BAD GUY / I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD SINCE THE LORD KNOWS WHEN...
+AND I'M SURE YOU GOT A MILLION REASONS / FOR BEING GONE A HUNDRED-TWENTY SEASONS / MY DADDY'S BACK, AND I'M FEELIN' LIKE A DAUGHTER AGAIN /
+YEAH, DADDY'S BACK AND I'M FEELIN' LIKE A DAUGHTER...
+DADDY'S BACK AND SHE'S FEELIN' LIKE SHE OUGHTER!
+DADDY'S BACK AND HE'S DRINKING BOTTLED WATER!
+KEEP IT DOWN, I'M READING "HARRY POTTER!"
+MY BODY WASH IS ESTÉE LAUDER...
+DADDY'S BACK AND I'M FEELIN' LIKE A DAUGHTER AGAIN!
+AND HERE COMES GRAMPA WITH AN OTTER!
+Song's over, Dad.
+I took three buses to get here.
+DADDY'S A DEADBEAT / HE'S LEAVING HIS DAUGHTER AGAIN...
+I'm really worried about Lurleen.
+Yeah, me too. Since her father re-abandoned her, she's cut the word "pop" out of all of our foods.
+You'd think a house full of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.
+Aw, cheer up, you've still got your talent, and that new song you wrote is gonna be a really big hit.
+Here's a new song that's rising faster than a rocket with a rocket up its butt. It's from the Dixie Chicks!
+WE SAID SOME THINGS THAT CAME OUT WRONG / BUT NOW WE GOT A BRAND NEW SONG / 'CAUSE FREE SPEECH NEEDS CURTAILIN' NOW AND THEN... WE PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO FOX NEWS / PLEASE TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE
+Oh, that sounds just like my song.
+But how could they have heard--
+AMERICA'S BACK AND WE'RE FEELING PATRI-OTTER AGAIN!
+AMERICA'S BACK
+AND WE'RE FEELING PATRI-OTTER! FREEDOM'S A GERM
+AND WE'RE GLAD THAT WE CAUGHT 'ER!
+LIBERTY HAS
+NEVER LOOKED HOTTER!
+I USED TO LOVE
+"WELCOME BACK KOTTER". AMERICA'S BACK AND WE'RE FEELING PATRI-OTTER AGAIN!
+Take it away, Royce!
+He wrote this song!
+If you need me, I'll be... ah, who am I kidding? No one needs me.
+Colonel Homer!
+And Major Marge!
+Lurleen, you're giving your Dad too much power over the way you feel about yourself. Stop getting your self-esteem from the men in your life.
+Well that's easy for you to say. You're married to a kind, thoughtful genius.
+Uh, yeah...
+Marge, my fringes are knotted again.
+There's only one person in the world who can tell you what to do. And that person is right here!
+Santa Claus?!
+No, no, that's just our old Christmas decorations.
+Yes! It's time for you to take control of your own destiny. You're not a doormat, you're a door prize!
+You're right, Marge.
+Hey, hey kids, it's a beautiful sunny Saturday morning, so get ready for six hours of cartoons!
+By the way, I'm Mary.
+And remember, you can do anything you want in the world of country music, western wear merchandising and TV movies. Regular movies, don't hold your breath. But TV movies, the sky's the limit.
+Colonel, you're still my knight in white polyester.
+Ten percent Lycra.
+Oh, I noticed.
+Congratulations! That song I wrote you was so patriotic, they decided to make it into a Chevy commercial. So I... changed a few lines.
+I don't know. You're asking us to sell out our song... and for what?
+Cash money.
+Money? We love money! / Really? That's great! / I'm gonna buy me a clock radio!
+Royce Boss Hogg Lumpkin, you are a thief! A dirty, rotten, lowdown...
+I think I can say it better with this.
+No, no, no, don't hit him in the head! He needs that to think up our songs.
+I'm Lurleen Lumpkin! And he stole your song from me!
+Whaaa?!
+Okay, maybe I abandoned my daughter and stole her song, but I'm still the most honorable record producer y'all have ever met.
+Well, he's got us there.
+Still, in human terms, he's deplorable.
+Let's make guitar picks out of him!
+Nooooo!
+I'm droppin' you all as clients!
+Oh I can't thank you guys enough. Now I'm opening for the Dixie Chicks and I may have just met husband number four.
+Babe, I need a hundred bucks for beer.
+Ooo, I think he's a keeper.
+Well, you're very welcome, Lurleen. Of all the women who've hit on Homer over the years, you're my favorite.
+If you ever come near Homer again, I'll strangle you with your own hair extensions. That's right, I know.
+Today's Krusty's Korean Kartoon Kavalcade starts with an exciting adventure of the "Trans-Clown-O-Morphs!"
+TRANS-CLOWN-O-MORPHS / TRANSFORMING CLOWNS THAT MORPH / SENT TO EARTH TO DEFEAT THE EVIL DINO-ROBO-BOTS / TRANS-CLOWN-O-MORPHS / TRANSFORMING CLOWNS THAT MORPH / AND THEIR HUMAN FRIEND IS YOOOUUUU!
+Back off, Pterodactyl-bots! You'll never conquer Big Top City!
+Oh really? It's time to make you trans-clown-o-morphs extinct!
+Only my Saturday morning viewers can save me!
+Buy my cereal... find the secret code inside... and text me the message "start the day with Kelloggs" or I will die!
+Enough from you!
+Hurry... Guess no one's buying my cereal... Buy or I'll die!
+Mom! We need to throw out all this Krusty cereal and get Robot-Clown cereal!
+Every week we have to buy something else to save that transforming clown that morphs! I want you to watch a show that isn't just one long commercial!
+Justin Leonard lines up the putt. This is for par and a share of sixth place...
+Mom! We need a Callaway titanium perimeter-weighted driver!
+It adds yards to any swing!
+You two have been bombarded with enough commercial images! Lisa, I've got a big bunch of black bananas. You know what that means...
+Banana bread!
+And Bart, you go with your father to Shelbyville to get the beanbag chairs re-beaned.
+I hate the beanbag store. The clerks are always shouting in Hebrew on their cell phones.
+So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
+That's right.
+But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal.
+Don't you worry about Wikipedia -- we'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things.
+Hey, check it out!
+I wouldn't mind driving that over a prairie dog village! Honk to the driver!
+Martin?! What's a tool like you doing on something cool like that?
+Yeah, what's the deal, loser?
+I'm operating a Combine Harvester. It's part of my duties as a member of 4-H.
+4-H club? Is it dangerous?
+Indeed! It has the most finger loss of any youth organization.
+Can I join, Dad? Can I? Can I? Can I?
+Son, a lot of these youth organizations encourage parents to get involved in the activities--
+Not this one.
+See ya!
+"I pledge my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands... Man, how many H's does this thing have?
+Yeah, there's a bunch. Let's skip the oath and get you behind the wheel of something you can't handle.
+...Raise articulator, set hydraulic brakes and endorse farm subsidy check for crops I didn't grow.
+Okay 4-H-ers, here's your summer project: pick a calf and raise him up big, strong and, of course, God-fearing. And at the end of the summer, the best calf wins a blue ribbon.
+I want a tough one.
+Whoa. I didn't come here today expecting to fall in love.
+Hey, it's the runt. I'll take anything but the runt.
+Awww... looks like we're partners. You're a scrappy little misfit, just like me... Anyone want to trade? No reasonable offer refused. I'll take a chicken!
+Pullet, Bantam, Orpington, Pullet, Flemish Giant, Pullet, Leghorn...
+Keep it down! I'm trying to feed my runt.
+Here, I'll show you what to do.
+I'm Bart, and this is my calf, Lulubelle.
+Uh... you know that's a boy, right?
+Oh. I thought she was peeing out of her nipple.
+How 'bout you just call him "Lou?"
+That's great, it rhymes with "moo"!
+So, what do you think of my calf?
+Now son, I'm not here to judge.
+Eh, what? Oh, right. I am.
+Well, I don't know much about cows, but I think we have a winner!
+You're the greatest cow in the world! I'm gonna be your friend forever!
+Bart... you do know what happens next.
+Something happens next?
+Son, your calf is gonna be taken to a feedlot...
+Lots of feed, that sounds good.
+...then slaughtered.
+But he won! Why don't you kill the loser cows?
+Oh, we will. But your cow gets to go first!
+Mom, they're gonna kill Lou and make him into food and fringe vests for gay cowboys. Can we buy him back? Can we?
+Honey... we'd love to, but... a prize-winning bull is thousands of dollars.
+Oh man.
+Son, let this be a lesson: never work hard and don't form emotional attachments. Also, don't be a cow.
+Oh man, now I feel so bad I'm imagining I hear your voice.
+Leave me alone! It's not my fault there's nothing good to eat on this planet except meat!
+I can't help you! I'm just a little boy!
+Bart, are you all right?
+I hear Lou mooing in my head!
+What you heard was your conscience telling you to stop eating meat.
+If I could save Lou, I'd never eat meat again. Not even prosciutto and melon!
+"Anguished Animals III?" That wasn't my conscience mooing -- it was Tress MacNeille!
+All right, so I put that there to get you to stop eating meat. But your body is going to miss the protein. So you'll have to take these pills.
+Sorry Lis, I can't be a vegetarian -- I love the taste of death! But please, help me get my cow back.
+Okay. Meet me halfway -- stop stirring your lemonade with a sausage.
+Give me a minute.
+Come on.
+It's a no-brainer.
+Aw, man. I never figured the gate would be locked. It's like they knew we were coming.
+Don't worry. I called some animal activists who can help us get in. I'll just give the signal. Milk is murder!
+Cheese is genocide!
+Good to see you, Windsong.
+Windsong?
+Yeah, it's my code name. This is Compost. And this is Solarpanel.
+What's my code name?
+Lisa's Brother.
+Forgive us for this violation, Mother Fence. We honor your chain-link spirit.
+Lou! Lou!
+Lou! Where are you, little buddy?
+Lou? What happened to you? You got fat!
+Of course he did. His food is laced with growth hormones.
+I don't care how much of a pumped-up freak you are, I still love you. The way Barry Bonds's kids probably still love him.
+Come on!
+How are we gonna get him out of here?
+Wow, you did learn a lot at 4-H.
+Hell, yeah!
+That was a practice cow.
+What are we gonna do with him?
+Well, your friend Mary from 4-H lives on a farm -- Lou can stay with her!
+Hmmm, a cow on a farm... With a moo moo here, and a moo moo there... Yes, it works!
+All right, Lou! To freedom! Lou?
+Howdy. What's yours that mines is Cletus?
+He wants to know your name.
+Oh, I'm Bart Simpson. Is Mary here?
+Hang on. Hey, Mary! There's a boy here askin' on you!
+Hey, Bart.
+I didn't know Cletus was your dad.
+She had a regular city birth in a gas station!
+The feedlot wants to kill Lou and I can't keep him. Can I give him to you?
+Brandine! A young feller just offered Mary a cow!
+Oh-my-God! Oh-my-God! Oh-my-God!
+What's going on?
+Accordin' to the traditions of the hill folk, by giving our daughter a cow, you've made a formal proposal of marriage!
+This calls for a hoedown.
+Blow her a song of love!
+Whoa! I said love, not lust!
+I can't get married -- I'm only ten!
+And I have dreams. I got fifteen-eighty on my D.Q.A.T.
+D.Q.A.T.?
+Dairy Queen Aptitude Test. Eight hundred ice cream, seven-eighty Brazier.
+Somethin' burrowed...
+And somethin' stew.
+Bart, I'll find a way to get you out of this wedding. In the meantime, just say yes, so Lou will be safe -- look how happy he is.
+I wish I had a tail what did swat away flies. Mine just hangs there.
+All right, sir, I'll marry your daughter.
+We're gonna have us the fanciest weddin' in the county! Cletus! Open up a wall so Dia-Betty can come!
+Just bring 'em to a window so I can pinch 'em.
+We always figured someday Mary would marry -- that's why we called her "Mary". We name all our kids after what we think's gonna happen to 'em. Ain't that right, Stabbed-in-jail?
+We'll see who stabs who.
+Doot de-doo de-doo do-doo de-doo... Strained spinach?! I'm not going to eat that -- it's yucky!
+Yo! I'm the coolest puppet in Sockville, and I love strained spinach!
+Really? I guess I'll try it then.
+Mmm-mm-mm! I wonder if Maggie would like it.
+Mom! Dad! Bart's marrying one of Cletus' daughters!
+We're putting a stop to this right now!
+Wait! If you stop the wedding, Bart's cow will die! And he really cares about that cow... and Bart doesn't usually care about stuff, so... help.
+All right, I've got an idea -- but it'll take a lot of sewing.
+I'll get your fabrics!
+And I'll make sure Flanders doesn't bother us.
+Ow! What was that for?
+Bart's in trouble and we don't need your stupid comments!
+Zippin' it up!
+Okay, let's set up the chitlin bar over here... Uh, start drizzling the crawdad reduction on the possum pouches... And excuse me, why are the spittoons so far from the chaw station? This is a wedding, people! Not a funeral!
+Here you go, sweetheart. Somethin' old...
+Somethin' new...
+Mama, you know I love your Somethin' Stew, but I got no appetite for any of this.
+Aw, you just got cold feet - 'cause you barefoot and our floor's made of mud.
+Have you seen my sister?
+No, and she's cutting it pretty close... we're about ten minutes away from "You may kiss the bride."
+Kiss?! I thought we were just getting married!
+Do you, Bart Simpson, take Mary Wrestlemania Spuckler to be your lawful wedded wife, for as long as you both shall reckon?
+And since we don't need to hear from womenfolk what they think, I now pronounce you--
+Stop the wedding!
+Bart is a ten-year-old boy. He still sits in the driveway and pretends to drive the car.
+Mom, I have to do this! I love that big ol' cow!
+How could you say that?! I starved myself to get into this dress!
+No, no, no, no, no -- you look great, honey. Mom, if I don't get married, they'll take Lou.
+I'm sorry, Bart. But sometimes your mom knows best.
+Son, I'm afraid hillbilly law is clear: if this marriage is off, then that cow is goin' back to the feed lot and Mary must taste the bitter agony of being an old maid of eleven.
+Don't feel bad, sweetie. I was thirteen when I married your father.
+Yeah, and you'd already been divorced four times.
+Goodbye, Lou. I'll never forget you.
+Mom, how could you do this to me?
+Sweetie, don't you think your Mom might have a trick up her sleeve?
+Trust me.
+Okay, they bought it.
+Have you got Lou in your car?
+Roger that.
+You guys come and get me as soon as they dump me back in the feedlot.
+Ooh, Laughter House! With the world in the shape it's in, we could all use some comedy.
+Okay, have fun at the Laughter House. Now I'll just turn off my phone to save the battery.
+Great plan, Mom. But where is Lou gonna go?
+Don't worry, Bart -- in India, your cow will be treated like a God and receive the food and medical care that in America would go to human beings.
+Lou, if that plane leaves the ground and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and definitely after they kill you and make you into sloppy Joes.
+Here's looking at you, cud.
+Okay Lisa, I'm turning my phone back on to see if your father is ready to be picked up. Huh, I have over four hundred text messages.
+Ready... for... pick up. Ready! For! Pick up!
+I'm a human being -- let me go!
+You are now entering the killing floor.
+Hmm... that sounds like Tress MacNeille.
+Marge... kids... the things I saw. It makes me never wanna eat meat again...
+Just fish... chicken... burgers... veal on Fridays... deer, but only in season... and if necessary, the sweetest meat of all... human.
+For you, Dad -- I consider that a victory.
+You're in a better place now, Lou. I'll always be proud for once in my life... I had a cow, man.
+Why do we have to get here so early? The football game doesn't start for hours.
+We're not here for the game. The game is nothing. The game is crap. The game makes me sick!
+The real reason we Americans put up with sports, is for this...
+Behold, the tailgate party -- the pinnacle of human achievement!
+Since the dawn of parking lots, man has sought to stuff his guts with food and alcohol in anticipation of watching others exercise. What childbirth is to women, eating trunk meats is to the be-wanged.
+What could be greater than eating and drinking for hours in a drizzly parking lot?
+Anything?
+No, everything is better.
+Anything! / Everything! / Anything! / Everything!
+Daddy, I made a Ralphwich!
+It tastes hurty!
+That's 'cause it's not food, Ralphie!
+No, no, no, I'm sorry. It's food, it's food. Everything's what you say it is.
+All right, time to dig in. I brought everything we need.
+It's just forks and plates. Didn't we bring any food?
+The food is all around us.
+You brought us here to beg?
+Up-bup-bup-bup-bup... when you know the people you're begging from, it's mooching.
+Moleman! Come here, ya big bag-a skin! How the hell are ya, huh?!
+Yeah? No kidding? Well, that sounds like you're gonna have fun.
+Springfield U sucks!
+A and M cheerleaders are clumsy!
+I'm sorry, but as a filmmaker I have to face the truth.
+Your superstar professors treat undergrads like an afterthought!
+Your tenure track is heavily politicized!
+Oh, that's it!
+Lisa, honey, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you can't join in the fun. Maggie and I are washing the soiled foam fingers.
+Well, I guess I could cut loose and do a little homework.
+I can start working on my school video project. The assignment is to film the beauty of the everyday. So let's see...
+There's drama and inspiration everywhere I look.
+I am a born filmmaker!
+Really interesting stuff. Three points out of a possible five.
+Oh, that's a funny joke, Mr. Kinkaid. Is this an art class or a comedy class? Seriously, why is it three?
+I can make it a two.
+Three it is! You're the teacher, and I accept your decision.
+The man is an idiot!
+Agreed. The film has everything -- emotion, conflict, Milhouse! Lisa, you're a gifted filmmaker. It's as if Ingmar Bergman and Penny Marshall had a baby.
+Principal Skinner, I didn't know you knew so much about film.
+Cinema is my secret passion. I've even written a screenplay or two "on speculation."
+"When Edna Met Seymour"... "Ghost Willie"... "Killing Seymour's Mother"... "The Principal Who Sold A Screenplay"...
+They sound great... I'd love to read them sometime.
+Unfortunately, the studios have made it clear they're not interested in my work. In fact, I'm... I'm no longer welcome on the Universal Studios tour.
+Orlando or Hollywood?
+There's one in Hollywood?!
+Yeah. Getting back to my grade...
+Forget grades! With the right subject, you could be a great filmmaker. What comes to mind when you think of drama?
+Well, according to Aristotle, drama contains six elements: plot, theme, character--
+Not the smarty-pants answer. Where's the drama in your life?
+Okay, but can I just finish the smarty-pants answer?
+No! In your life!
+My family. ...Language, rhythm and spectacle.
+Family, eh? That's right, your brother is Bart Simpson, one of Mrs. Krabappel's fourth graders. And your father is a local character of note.
+Lisa, if you make a documentary about your family, I can help you.
+I'm giving you... the key to the A.V. cage.
+This is so generous. How can I ever repay you?
+All I ask is, if you ever win an Oscar... give it to me.
+Um, okay.
+Those cabinet makers laughed at me, but they'll see.
+Lisa, what are you doing?
+I'm making a documentary about a very special family.
+Smithers and Burns?
+No, us!
+Can I be Smithers?
+No Dad, I want you to play Homer Simpson.
+Why, 'cause I'm fat?
+I love documentaries! Especially the one that came with our lawnmower.
+Although it was suspiciously pro-lawnmower.
+Okay everyone -- just be yourself. Don't look in the camera, pretend I'm not here, and... no toupees...
+What, I'm going for a Shia LaBeouf thing. Not quite a nerd, not quite a hunk... Shia LaBeouf!
+And... let's roll.
+Uh-oh. There's already an on-set romance.
+Homie, she's not making a snuggle film.
+Ew, Lisa, make them stop!
+Skin-ner!
+Yes, Superintendent Chalmers?
+I hear you've been encouraging a student's creativity!
+Please sir, I can explain...
+I'm thrilled! Or would have been, if not for your knee-jerk assumption that I'm angry at you -- which I am now! Anyway, we have got to support Lisa Simpson's film. This is our chance to finally show up that fancy Springfield Creative Arts Academy.
+The whole school is made up of modeling clay -- every afternoon they reshape it, just to get my goat.
+Well, with some school band music and added effects, we could show Lisa's film at the public library.
+Think bigger, Seymour. Think film festivals.
+You mean... Banff?
+Banff, shmanff! I'm talking about Sundance!
+Sundance, the preeminent independent film festival held each January in Park City Utah?
+Uh yes, the very same, yes. If Lisa's movie gets in, we won't just be the school with the highest hamster mortality rate.
+Ah, so young. We'll also have a kid who did a thing!
+I call this cue "Homer's Lament."
+What are you boys doing on the Foley stage?
+Awesome-ing up your sound effects.
+Okay, one more take.
+Can we please go to the next scene?
+Oh dear.
+We're getting too many mainstream movies. When are we gonna see a submission with the Sundance independent film spirit?
+Uh, "Paul Giamatti..."
+...is the world's greatest super spy...
+...who only exists in the mind of an overweight agoraphobic jazz musician...
+...played by Martin Lawrence in a fat suit.
+Oh, okay, here's one from Springfield, made by a vegetarian...
+...intellectual misfit...
+People, you know you have to limit your gasps at this altitude! Ooo, and she's eight years old!
+Stupid charities, they think I'm gonna give them money? Save the Children? Save your breath. Take a hike, Sierra Club! Doctors Without Borders? Doctors without money! Hey, Greenpeace, you're not getting' a piece of my green! Robert Redford? Guess what -- a scissor runs through it.
+Dad, no!
+My movie got in! I'm going to the Sundance Film Festival!
+"Film Festival," eh?
+Ay! Los DVDs!
+With director's commentary and deleted scenes!
+Where'd everybody go?
+I can't believe I'm a director with a movie at Sundance.
+Maybe I can finally meet Jim Jarmusch and ask him who he is. Hey, that's him!
+Who are you?
+I try to answer that question in my films.
+What else?
+I can eat a raw onion without crying.
+Prove it, Hollywood!
+Hey, you're crying!
+Yeah, but I'm crying about something else.
+This is the last time we'll ever be together.
+These badges will get us into any of the independent movies playing at Sundance.
+Ooo, "Regularsville." Sounds like my kind of place!
+Ooo, "Candyland." A great family game is now a great family movie!
+I get it -- every title means the opposite of what it means! Then I bet I'll love "Chernobyl Graveyard!"
+I didn't.
+This is it! My premiere!
+We can't wait to see it, sweetie.
+A documentary?!
+Passes, please.
+Uh, we're with them.
+You know these guys?
+I've never seen them before.
+He's a... he's a...
+That's a joke.
+This can't be real.
+It isn't. You crashed and now you're lying unconscious in a snow bank.
+Chalmskinn...
+I'm Lisa Simpson. And this is my family.
+One, two, three... Another chute?!
+Why... doesn't... life... give me... ladders?!
+We never get more than one move into this game.
+What a wonderful film about horrible people!
+They're like the family from hell on acid that's on steroids!
+You stupid kid! What if I walked in here barefoot?
+You did, Dad.
+Happy birthday, Mom.
+Thank you, dear.
+Brava, Lisa!
+Shame on Marge!
+Death to Maggie!
+Lisa, how could you?
+I didn't mean it like that! A lot of things got changed in the editing room.
+Proudly edited by Lisa Simpson!
+Lisa, your movie exposed our crappy side to the world. I knew you were lame, but I never imagined you were bogus.
+Sweetie, I'm usually your number one fan. But, call me old-fashioned, I usually don't like movies that humiliate my family in front of the world.
+Oh, I was just trying to accurately portray my unique and quirky home life.
+Quirky? Quirky is a grandma who gives people the finger! You made us look like monsters!
+Monsters! Monsters! Monsters!
+Guys, guys! Look, it's a documentary -- nobody outside of this festival is ever gonna hear about it.
+"Lisa Simpson's unflinching, darkly comic family portrait is the can't-miss hit of the festival. Landspeeder, do not Bantha, to your nearest cinema to see Lisa Simpson stab her family in the back with her camera."
+Don't you dare post that review.
+I'm sorry. You're too late. I have just hit enter, sending the wi-fi beams along their way.
+Not if I can help it! C'mere, beams! Come on! Hey, hey, where you going? Oh, there's too many!
+I just said I was thinking of adopting Scarlett Johansson. Is that so wrong?
+Well, if we can't get into Sundance, would you like to check out its alternative cousin, Slam Dance?
+I'd rather die.
+There they are -- the producers of "Capturing The Simpsons!"
+Your movie's great! We want to be in the Chalmskinn business!
+This is it, Seymour -- the big deal. Just play it cool.
+Look, we want to buy this movie. And we're prepared to offer you anything.
+We're prepared to accept anything!
+Name your price.
+We want ten percent of the first-dollar gross, full European distribution rights, and access to the most exclusive VIP tent in Sundance.
+Way to make a deal, Seymour!
+They don't even know that my pockets are full of bottled water and cornbread!
+It's them! / Look at them walking around! / They're so creepy!
+Say something dysfunctional!
+Let me get a picture of you strangling my kid!
+Hey, we pay your salary.
+I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
+Let's just go back to the condo -- we have to wash the dishes and do the sheets so it's nice for the next people.
+I can't believe what I've done -- maybe deep down I always knew how much this film would hurt them. Maybe I'm the monster this movie exposed.
+Now what kind of talk is that?
+Oh... hi, Mr. Jarmusch.
+Lisa, I've been following your family's turmoil closely, and I can relate. My movies like "Stranger Than Paradise" and "Down By Law" are also about social misfits experiencing the dark side of the American dream. I'm doing it again in my next film, "Cheaper By The Dozen 3."
+That doesn't sound like your kind of movie.
+It will be. Check out the poster.
+Ew... so, do you think my family will ever forgive me for making them a laughing stock?
+The answer to that is where it always is -- in a movie. Let's take a look.
+Nelson? He couldn't have made a movie by himself. Who helped him?
+Chalmskinn...
+Seymour Skinner never puts all his eggs in one basket. That's why they call me "Two Basket" Skinner. What? They do.
+I'm Nelson. This is my house.
+This is the impound lot that my house gets towed to every night.
+Let's get goin' -- we got to swing by the Laundromat, steal me a new bra.
+You're gonna be the classiest girl at Classy Girls!
+No, no, no, don't go in there! Oh no, he did! Oh man, that is messed up! Whoa, what the hell is that?
+It's just a cat.
+What? Oh yeah, oh yeah, now I see it.
+Mom, there's this school play tonight. It's called "Kids Are People Too," and I play a grownup who doesn't think kids are people too. So, if you wanna come...
+Can't -- I'm organizing my Laramie Bucks. If I want that golf umbrella, I got to get to smokin'.
+Sometimes I take the long way home, past the happy people's houses. I like to look inside and pretend I have a family like theirs.
+I like to cry at the ocean, because only there do my tears seem small.
+Thank you, Mr. Jarmusch -- you've taught me a valuable lesson that other people have bigger family problems than I do.
+True, but I was also teaching you that festival buzz is, like my movie "Coffee and Cigarettes", a funny thing. Did you see it?
+Well, I uh...
+That's okay, I know you did.
+I like this movie way better than the one by that little girl -- 'cause I saw this one today!
+Wow, I guess Nelson's the hot thing now. My movie will probably never be seen.
+Oh, it will -- on select flights by Alaska Airlines and its regional partners. Okay, only its regional partners. The point is, you made a great movie and you ought to be proud.
+And now, like the best independent films, I must fade out with a cool dissolve.
+Owwwwwwwwww! That hurt!
+Hey Nelson, say something poor!
+Thank God they're not jeering at us anymore.
+I know! Kinda miss it.
+I know! We'll be in another movie -- and this time we'll act really bad!
+No more Simpsons movies! One was plenty!
+Are you guys still mad at me?
+We know you love us, honey -- even though sometimes you show it in a "quirky" way.
+I'm not gonna lie to you guys -- John C. Reilly would love to be in the ChalmSkinn business.
+Well, did you read my script?
+Read it? I lived it! I am Ghost Willie. Check this out --
+Fantastic! Bravo! You nailed it!
+I don't know -- he seems a little needy.
+We'll see you on the set.
+Chalmskinn...
+Another hit!
+Skin-ner! Why can't you be a gentle clinker?
+Excuse me, are you leaving?
+No, sorry.
+I'm not leavin'. / Sorry. Not leavin'. / Not quite yet. / I'm sorry. / I'm not leavin'.
+So, what are you doing?
+I like creating disappointment. You know that little moment where people's hope dies? I feed on that.
+Uh, is this space free?
+You know, as a matter of fact... it ain't.
+Aw, that's Heaven.
+Mom, you tricked us!
+We thought this was gonna be a fun trip to the mall!
+We listened to music radio in the car... and, since you kids behaved, we'll pick one fun thing to do here.
+I wanna go lecture the food court businesses that are still using Styrofoam!
+Lead-based toys! Lead-based toys!
+Sit on a bench! Sit on a bench!
+For once, we'll do what Maggie wants.
+Maggie's thing? She won't even remember that we did it!
+None of you kids ever remember any of the nice things we do for you.
+Like what?
+Shelter?
+That dump?
+Clothing?
+I wouldn't blow my nose into this.
+Welcome to Stuff-N-Hug -- a Funworks Lovelab!
+I'm used to buying my critters pre-made. How does your store differ?
+Why should I tell you, when we've got a video that shows you!
+Video's broken, Alan!
+Call Eric!
+I'm Eric!
+Black Eric!
+I want a poodle!
+I'd stay away from poodles. They give the dog... ideas.
+How much love do you want in your Stuff-N-Hug?
+I want all the love.
+Snow day!
+So little girl, what outfit do you want for your dolphin?
+Doctor.
+Okay... nurse it is.
+Professor.
+Kindergarten teacher.
+Lunch lady!
+Secretary to a CEO.
+You know, it's a boy dolphin.
+Here you go, Doctor.
+We fooled her... Betsy.
+Bart is awesome.
+Bart is awesome.
+Wow -- this guy could put Milhouse out of business.
+Well, this is kind of a cute outfit.
+Homer is a LARD butt.
+What did you say?
+Homer has booger breath.
+It's a medical condition!
+Homer is a big jerk.
+Who told you these things about me?!
+Dung muncher. / Stink brains. / Cheese wang. / Captain Crud.
+I don't want to get mad, but I will!
+YO WE'RE ROCKIN' OUT BALLS / Tub of Tard. / Crapper Clogger. / Fatty-watty.
+That's it...
+Uh, Mom? We've got a code four.
+It didn't have to go down like this!
+The door's open! I think someone broke in!
+Don't worry -- I'm ready for this. Bart, fetch "The Defender."
+Yes, sir!
+I hear noises coming from the kitchen!
+That's where the food sleeps!
+Wait a minute, I smell apples... cinnamon... crust... it's a pie!
+Why would a robber make pie?
+Who cares? If you kill him, we'll be on TV!
+You're right, boy!
+My aquarium!
+Hello, Homer.
+You're alive! And you baked a pie!
+Homie, what's going on?
+I'm fighting the robber -- you go get ice cream!
+Mom, I can't believe you're here. You keep disappearing and reappearing and it's not funny. You're just like that show "Scrubs".
+Homer, I'm sorry I had to pretend to be dead. But it worked, because the government isn't looking for me anymore. I can finally stop running and be your mom.
+No thanks.
+What do you mean?
+Every time you go, I feel abandoned. But not this time. I'm not gonna let myself get hurt.
+Homer, I'm through protesting and chaining myself to things. I've realized that the most important thing in my life is you.
+That's what your mouth says, but my ears are too smart to believe it. In fact, I don't even want your pie.
+You already ate the whole thing.
+Well I'm not going to digest it!
+Wow, Dad was so cute as a baby.
+When did he lose his cuteness?
+Oh, I have a picture of that right here.
+I do feel bad for missing so much of Homer's childhood. But at least he wasn't raised by a television...
+See you later, honey -- Mommy has to go chain herself to a nuclear submarine. Hugs and kisses!
+You left a hole in my heart that could never be filled. So I filled it with food. But I'm never full.
+Welcome back to the ESPY Awards. Our next presenters are Lance Armstrong and Fozzy Bear.
+Wokka, wokka, wokka!
+That's right, Fozzy. And this year's Right Guard Keeping Cool Under Pressure Award goes to--
+Hey Lance, nice trousers! Did you win those at the Tour De Pants? Wokka, wokka!
+Yeah, well I never thought you were funny. Ever.
+Anyway, the Right Guard Keeping Cool Under Pressure Award goes to--
+Oh, I don't even care.
+Homer, are you okay?
+I'm fine -- it's my feelings that are mad.
+Sweetheart, when I left you, it was because I thought I could make the world a little bit better. Maybe all I did was make my own world a lot worse. I only hope you can forgive me.
+No! I can't forgive you -- and I don't accept your tuck-in!
+I understand -- these things take time. Goodnight.
+I feel terrible. My own mother reached out to me, and I rejected her. I'm gonna make her a card.
+Are you asleep?
+Asleep with your eyes open? Mom?
+My mother's dead.
+I'm still with you, son.
+Oh, this just gets worse and worse.
+Ever since you started watching "Monk" you think you are Monk. You're not Monk!
+After your mother left me, I always planned to dance on her grave. First, it was gonna be The Hustle. Recently, I've been taking tap lessons. But now... well, I don't feel much like dancing.
+Come on, Homie -- your mom wouldn't have wanted you to stay in bed forever.
+I'll tell you what she didn't want -- me to be a jerk to her and then she dies.
+Say something comforting.
+Okay, comforting, comforting... Uh Dad, whenever I would hang out with Grandma, she would always ask me about you. And I'd say you suck, and she would say... you don't suck that bad.
+She said I didn't suck?
+That bad.
+That bad. Wow.
+Sorry about your ma, Homer.
+I just wish she hadn't died thinking I hated her.
+Yeah, you should always make peace with your loved ones.
+I think I'll give my ma a call right now. Hey Mom, I just wanted you to know that you mean-- Yeah, he's here.
+Hey, Mrs. L. Those butter cookies you sent were tasty, and the almond ones, ooo! Aw, I wish I was your son too. All right, I'm gonna pass you back-- Okay, okay, I'll tell him. Uh Moe, Lenny's Mom says she loves you.
+Apu, what do you think happens after you die?
+Manjula will sell the store, dye her hair blond and marry my cousin Jangelvar.
+Yes, I will.
+I mean, do you think my mother's out there somewhere? Does she know I feel bad about things I said?
+Well, perhaps she's around us now. She may have already been reincarnated as... that newborn baby, or that tiny mouse in the nacho cheese...
+Oh for crying out loud -- people aren't mice!
+Oh, what a surprise -- Joe Jesus Junior is gonna set us all straight.
+Look Homer, people don't come back as anything -- except for our Lord, who came back as bread. That's it.
+That's it.
+That's the thing with your religion -- it's a bummer.
+Even the sing-alongs?
+No, the sing-alongs are okay.
+Homer, look what I found with your mother's things.
+A donut from the future!
+The following video was recorded at Garry's Video Wills.
+Maggie, that's the same Garry that filmed your birthday party. Remember, he brought his girlfriend and they got in a fight.
+Hello, Homer. If you are watching this right now, I am dead. Or, if I'm not dead, you've gotten into my stuff. But if I am dead, this is my will. And if I'm not, get out of my stuff.
+To my grandson Bart, I leave my Swiss army knife.
+My dearest Lisa. I leave you a priceless item so powerful no government can ever extinguish it: my rebellious spirit.
+Grandma, I accept your gift.
+You got nothing! You got nothing!
+Marge, I have a purse for you. It's woven out of nature's most amazing material, hemp.
+Hmm, it smells like concerts!
+And lastly, for Homer, I leave you something very special.
+Woo hoo!
+...A difficult task.
+Go to Springfield Monument Park and climb to the highest point.
+At exactly three o'clock, release my ashes. I love you, Homer. And now, because they're your favorite, please enjoy some animal bloopers.
+Aw, ma. You always knew just how to make everything all right.
+It works on so many levels.
+I've gotta get out of here!
+Okay, this is it. I've got one last chance to make up for the things I said to my Mom. I will avenge you!
+It's not really avenging her, Dad. Just the fulfillment of her last wish.
+I'm really glad you corrected me, Lisa. People are always really glad when they're corrected.
+This is hard work. Isn't it, boy? Boy?
+Hey, Homer! Your butt still looks big from down here!
+Why you little...
+You know, spiritually speaking, Grandma's ashes won't know where they've been thrown from... So, in a way... uh... I'm lying down now.
+I always knew that at the end, it would all come down to me.
+Excuse me, I think I'm holding up better than you are. In fact, I've got energy to spare.
+To spare, eh?
+Marge, your back is so sweaty. I'm starting to slip off.
+That's the highest point. And only fifteen minutes to go.
+Made it!
+Mom, we didn't know each other very well. If we did, you never would have asked me to climb anything. But even when you weren't around, I always felt good, knowing you were out there somewhere.
+Three o'clock. Goodbye, Mom. You're finally free.
+Guidance system destroyed. Launch aborted.
+Wait a minute... Mom's ashes stopped that missile launch. Mom! You used me to pull one more stupid hippie protest, didn't you!?
+Judging from the wind direction... distance... time of day... the ashes must have come from... him!
+Hm, what could I make from those two things?
+I'm safe as long as nothing disturbs this incredibly delicate balance.
+You're not supposed to like it!
+Show me the law that says I can't! Wheee!
+Are you hurt?
+I don't think so.
+So we gotta do that, too.
+Here's your mother.
+You can have her. To me, she's been nothing but trouble.
+What's the delay?
+Mr. Burns, we had a saboteur.
+Well, well, well...
+Who's this delightful young lady?
+She's what held up the launch, sir.
+Pity. You and I could've shared the world.
+You do know you're talking to a bag of ashes.
+Hey, I've seen your wife. She's no Mamie Van Doren.
+Just what are you guys up to?
+I suppose there's no harm in telling you. I'm using the rocket to dispose of Springfield's nuclear waste -- by sending it straight to the heart of the Amazon rainforest!
+The rainforest?! That's that thing Lisa likes!
+Well, maybe she'll like it better filled with dying trees and mutated animals.
+You monster! On another subject, next Thursday I have to leave work early. I assume that's cool.
+All systems operational.
+Excellent.
+Mom, I'm so sorry. You just wanted to stop one more senseless act of madness in the world. Well, if I get out of this I promise you I'll grant your last wish.
+Homer! Hey, Homer!
+Here's Gramma's knife!
+Toss it down!
+Thanks, boy.
+How am I ever gonna take on all those guys?
+My purse is made of hemp -- if we burn it, the "silly smoke" will mellow out those guards!
+We can ignite it with these crystal earrings Grandma gave me.
+I thought she gave you her rebellious spirit.
+I found them on her nightstand.
+What? Bart got a Swiss Army knife.
+Hey, did you ever think about how like your fingers are like legs for your hand?
+Imagine what cute little shoes they'd wear.
+That's already a thing -- thimbles, right?
+God Bless America!
+Send in reinforcements!
+Actually, you only hired ten. A couple called in sick. And the Jewish guy has to leave at sunset.
+That'll do, brick, that'll do.
+Base self destruct sequence activated. Detonation in ten, nine, eight...
+Now I'll just add water to these ashes and bring my mother back to life.
+It doesn't work that way, Homie.
+But she'll live on forever in what you did today.
+Well then, Mom, this was for you.
+More sugar! More sugar!
+Why not?
+Because you're sweet enough.
+Welcome to the thirty-eighth annual Springfield Showbiz Awards! There are more stars here tonight than you can see in the sky, thanks to light pollution.
+Here comes the magnificently-mammaried mistress of midnight movie mayhem, Booberella! The twins look happy tonight!
+And what have we here? It's ventriloquist Arthur Crandall and his walnut wingman, Gabbo!
+Gabbo! / Gabbo! Over here! /
+Get a job, parasites!
+We now come to our final award, "Entertainer of the Year." An award so prestigious, that it recently won the "Award of the Year" award at the two thousand-seven "Awardy Awards".
+This year's nominees are an eclectic group...
+This distinguished-looking gentleman is a highly-respected actor. It's not important what he says, or who he's a parody of. Only one person here really matters -- the recipient of this award.
+No, it is not me. I am but your humble narrator in this tale of fame, betrayal and coin collecting. But more about that later.
+Nor is it him. Nor him. Nor ham. No, tonight is about her...
+This year's award goes to... Lisa Simpson!
+Surprised? Let me start at the beginning, and tell you a little bit about Lisa.
+In fact, All About Lisa...
+And now, in honor of Krusty's four thousandth episode, put your hands together for Drew Carey!
+Thank you! Thank you! Wow, four thousand episodes -- seems like just yesterday Krusty stole his first joke from me. Seriously, though, I remember watching him as a kid, and I thought "I could do that -- and I'm a kid!" What I love about Krusty is, he's always on... but to find out what, you've gotta test his pee!
+Seriously, test his pee. He's a danger to the community. And now I give you a man whose act will never grow old, because it started out that way : Krusty the Clown!
+Thank you. I never thought I'd make it past four hundred episodes -- what with the drinking and the smoking and the fact that I'm just not that good. It seems like just yesterday that we started the show, with the original Krusketeers!
+S-T-Y...
+And here they are today! Come on out, Krusketeers!
+I'm Jesse!
+You owe me money, Krusty!
+Security guards hustle him off.
+I did time for you, clown! Hard time!
+Isn't that great. They all came back to see me!
+That's right! All except the successful ones.
+Now guess what, kids... the Krusty Show is searching for a new Krusketeer. It could be any of you...
+As long you're willing to sign a twenty year personal services contract where I get ninety-nine percent of all your earnings.
+I am so gonna try out for that!
+Me too! But I hope you get it.
+No, I hope you get it.
+Well I really hope you get it.
+Yeah, I hope I get it too. Later!
+For a second there, he hoped I got it.
+A great man once observed: "Ninety percent of success is showing up on time." Sorry I'm four hours late. Now let's pick a Krusketeer!
+OWWWWWWWW!
+OWWWWWWWW!
+For my first impression...
+I'm a lantern fish.
+Now I'm a Jack-O-lantern...
+Yay, Bart!
+My son's a good-for-something!
+What are you lookin' at?
+Uh, yeah, okay. You kids were all terrific! I wish I could make each of you a Krusketeer, but we only have enough money for one. Plus, I don't really want to. So after much consideration of all your talents...my new Krusketeer is...
+What's your kid's name again?
+Nelson Muntz!
+Wilbur Mudd!
+That's me! Here's Mudd in your eye!
+I can't believe I lost.
+That's not fair -- Bart was great.
+Hey Krusty, you're making a huge mistake not hiring my brother. Why don't you hire them both? It won't cost you anything -- you could call Bart an intern.
+In fact, the intern thing could open up a whole new world of free labor for you! Did you know the Discovery Channel doesn't have a single paid employee?
+Hm. Okay kid, you've convinced me!
+To make Bart a Krusketeer?
+Hell no! To make you my new intern. You're a real go-getter. Now go get me my dry-cleaning, which is my code word for scotch, and get me my scotch, which is my code word for my bookie. Also, go get my dry-cleaning.
+Wha... but...
+Wha, but, wha, wha, wha, but... What are you standing around for?! I wish I was paying you, so I could dock your salary!
+Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. And it is a business, as you shall find out in about three seconds. Two... one...
+Over the years, show business has been home to scoundrels and saints, thespians and harlequins, Abbots and Costelli. And they all had one thing in common -- an underpaid assistant.
+Cancel my one o'clock. Move my two o'clock to one o'clock and cancel that. Oh, and go to my joke file, and make all the "Sophia Lorens" into "Lindsay Lohans".
+So do a global change?
+What am I, Al Gore? Just do it!
+I'm just trying to hit my marks.
+And I don't? Is that what you're saying?
+No, no! I think you're a consummate pro!
+Oh, so now you're judging me. Well, whaddaya think of this: you're fired!
+Yeah, well my mom says you're a selfish lover!
+I know what I want and I get it!
+I'll trash you in my memoirs!
+Pay attention! You'll be writing my memoirs!
+I'll never last here.
+Chin up, little gofer! You can succeed with Krusty. A few hints -- always carry a cigar in case he asks. Never meet his gaze. And if he mentions Mitzi Gaynor -- and he will -- for God's sake act like you know who she is...
+I got pastrami stuck in my teeth, and that's everybody's problem! Who's got floss?
+Here you go, Krusty.
+Nicely done, kid. You're the best thing that's happened to this business since...
+Mitzi Gaynor?
+I was gonna say "cheap Korean animation," but sure.
+I can't believe you're working for Krusty and I'm not. I know everything about that clown. Favorite blintz -- blueberry. Favorite horse in the 2004 Belmont -- Smarty Jones. Krusty lost a bundle and had to endorse baby wipes in Norway. Which I have a case of!
+Krusty Klovnen Baby Visker?
+Bart's having girl trouble. You better go talk to him.
+It's clown trouble. That's your responsibility.
+I thought I was in charge of bedtime stories and pets dying.
+Yeah, well, we're adding clowns.
+Fine -- but you just bought yourself "ear piercing" and "strange new feelings."
+Lisa's got school, career, posture -- why'd she have to steal Krusty from me?!
+"The Inverted Double-struck Penny, or 'Kissing Lincolns'..."
+I don't know why I agreed to this.
+Son, the healthy thing is to get rid of everything that reminds you of Krusty...which appears to be everything. Hey, maybe we should give Lisa this room. You know she works for Krusty now.
+Okay, here's my offer -- all this primo Krusty merchandise for that copy of "Radioactive Man vs. Muhammad Ali".
+My counter-offer: "Radioactive Man Meets the Kansas City Royals".
+How 'bout "Radioactive Man versus Restless Leg Syndrome"?
+Let us try a different tack. Are you interested in coin collecting?
+Am I?! No.
+Wait, wait, wait! I'll start you off with this bicentennial quarter...and I'll throw in my man scrunchie.
+Uh, we'll stick with the coins.
+Whoa, nice! Everything's in its place, nothing festering inside of nothing, you've alphabetized my book collection...
+I've never had such a great assistant!
+I'm gonna call you "the Goy Wonder"! Because I don't remember your name.
+All right, time to fill these slots with coins. Specific coins? This hobby sucks!
+Son... all hobbies suck. But if you keep at it, you might find at the end that you've managed to kill some precious time.
+Wow, I never thought of it like that.
+Do you wanna collect coins with your old man?
+You bet I do.
+To your mother's purse!
+Slide in the eighteen sixty-three confederate half-dime... and every slot is full.
+This is the first book I've ever finished reading or pushing things into.
+We missed one!
+"...was mistakenly minted in December of 1917, when a brief glimpse of a woman's ankle caused three days of rioting at the Philadelphia Mint."
+The one on the left looks into it, but the one on the right is just experimenting. Son, we are getting that coin!
+Here I am, walking the plank. I wish this mean pirate wasn't poking me with his sword! Where's the chimp?
+Mr. Teeny's not here! He's stuck in traffic!
+Oh, what do I do? I can't ad lib to save my life!
+Yo ho ho and a bottle of fun!
+What are you doin', kid?
+My job: making you look good.
+Oh, yeah, right. So, what be your name, matey?
+Long John Seltzer!
+The laughter swept over her like a wave -- enveloping her in its intoxicating embrace.
+The next week, Krusty went to his Lake Tahoe retreat for some R and R. But he was about to get an unexpected visit from a third and fourth R...Ron Rabinowitz.
+Krusty, I've been your agent for forty-five years. I am telling you, watch out for this Lisa Simpson character. She has got a taste for Lady Laughter, and she will step right over a certain clown to get it.
+Which clown? Chuckles? Professor Nitwit?
+No, you!
+No Yu, the Chinese Clown?
+Great one, Krusty. But seriously, you're in real trouble here.
+Yeah?... what do you mean? If there was a rehearsal for the network, I would've been told by my... assistant?!
+Well, where is he?
+I don't know, I guess he forgot, but people seemed to like me last week.
+You stood in for Mr. Teeny... how'd you like to stand in for Krusty?
+Oh, well, it's one thing to fill in for a monkey. But a comedy legend? I wouldn't dream of it.
+I respect that. Cancel the run-through.
+Okay, I'll do the monologue.
+Evening, Mr. Krusty. Great show last--
+Sorry, I can't act like you matter!
+Have no fear, the star is here!
+Shhh! We're working!
+So the centipede says: "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! ...I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
+Now that's well-performed comedy!
+Oh my God. Everything you said came true, Ron. Ron?
+So you'll come to the agency tomorrow and I'll introduce you to the whole team, okay? You like egg white omelets? I'll be waiting -- you're a good girl.
+I've been replaced by an eight-year-old. I can be eight!
+La-la-la! I'm eight years old!
+Krusty, you've learned that fame, that fickle beauty, can leave you when you need it most.
+And Lisa had a lesson to learn as well. A lesson about-- you, there! Cut that out!
+Sorry, sorry.
+Thank you, folks -- you've been a great audience.
+I'm gonna keep this forever!
+All of Springfield fell head over heels for Lisa.
+Here she comes. Quick -- switch from internal monologue to external dialogue!
+Shall we visit the commissary to toast your success?
+Yeah, sure, Mel. Let me just wave one more goodbye to my fans.
+While applause rained down on Lisa, poor Krusty found himself parched.
+Oh no, the Northern Irish are also having a parade!
+It's three-thirty-two a.m., which means it's time for "Last Gasp, with Krusty the Clown!"
+Brought to you by Nappien, Nok-em-Out and Nok-em-Out Jr. for kids. Tonight's guest is local bully, Jimbo Jones?
+This is the lowest I've ever sunk. And I once made out with a blow-up doll.
+Sorry you broke up with me now, Cindy?
+One of these has got to be that smooching Lincoln penny.
+Nope... Nope... Dime... Button... Pepperoni slice...
+This is a classic nineteen seventy-eight Pizza Hut! Mmm... terrible.
+Nope... Nope... Nope...
+Son, coin collecting's a lot like life. It stopped being fun a long time ago. But unlike life, I have a solution for this.
+Going once, going twice... sold to Mr. Burns!
+I've won every coin. But I feel strangely empty. Ooh, there's another coin. That should do it.
+Our last item up for bid is a mint-condition 1917 "Kissing Lincoln" penny.
+Okay boy, this is it. Five dollars!
+Five hundred.
+Five dollars cash!
+Sir, the promise of cash is not an enticement. The current bid is five hundred dollars. Do I hear a counter bid? Going once... going twice...
+Five hundred and one!
+Ten million.
+Objection, your honor.
+Sir, I am not a judge. But, um, overruled. Sold to Mr. Burns for ten million dollars!
+Mmm... I paid a pretty penny for this pretty penny, but it was worth it.
+Mr. Burns, my son and I have been collecting coins. It's really brought us closer together. That penny you bought tonight would mean the world to him.
+Yes, but the problem is, if you had it, I wouldn't. You see the difficulty...
+Yeah. I'll tell you what, at least help me buy the boy a gumball. Do you have change for a nickel?
+Oh, of course.
+Smithers, step on it!
+I only gave him four cents for that nickel! Monty Burns wins a--
+Aaaaannnnnd done.
+Now, let's put it on a shelf and never look at it again.
+You got it, boy.
+And so, bonded by love and larceny, father and son got dressed...had a minor disagreement...
+...patched things up...and went downtown...
+...where they watched proudly, as Lisa accepted her award.
+Lisa, before you walk away from this venerable hall and into the arms of your adoring fans, may I have a moment?
+Well, I do owe you everything... make it quick.
+Behold your fellow winners of the Entertainer of the Year Award.
+I don't recognize any of them.
+And why should you?
+He appears nightly on Broadway... selling combs and mints in the men's room. She was fired after a bad rehearsal from "Homeboys In Outer Space".
+And perhaps the saddest one of all... He graced stages from London to Los Angeles. When he played Biff in "Death Of A Salesman," every woman in the audience wished they were Hap. But that was before he..."took the bone."
+Melvin van Horne... Sideshow Mel?! It's you! How could this happen to you... to all these wonderful performers?
+Applause is an addiction, like heroin or checking your email. Once you have a taste, you'll do anything to get more. Don't end up like these people. Don't end up like... me.
+I need to get out while I still can. Thank you, Mel.
+Everyone, wait!
+Um, there's someone I forgot to thank, and he's here tonight. Krusty, will you come up on stage, please?
+What do you want? You've already taken everything I care about.
+Really? So what else is in the news?
+This just in: I don't give a crap.
+I'm trying to set you up for laughs.
+You're trying to set me up with a giraffe?
+Oh, right. You guys know about giraffes, long legs, big neck.
+Here comes the zinger.
+Speakin' of necks, my girlfriend is a real pain in mine. She crashed her car into mine and said, "Look honey, we have a hybrid."
+Timely.
+By giving everything away, she was able to keep the only thing that mattered -- her dignity. God, how I envy her.
+Ruf! Ruf! Ooo, I think I'm in love!
+Krusty, please. My wife is giving birth as we speak!
+Just four more takes. Come on.
+Woo hoo! St. Patrick's Day!
+I love how they made the river green!
+Actually, my nuclear plant did that. And now that you know, your life is in danger.
+Greetings fellow Irishmen and lady Irishmen. I, Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell the Edge Quimby, welcome you to Springfield's first booze-free St. Patrick's Day!
+Oh, come on people, your drunken shenanigans destroy this town every year. And Ireland is so much more than the imbibing of spirits. The Irish gave the world the paddy wagon, the shamrock shake, and folk dancing where you don't move your arms.
+Where's the I.R.A. when you need 'em?
+We've renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb.
+In the old days, we would've been all over that.
+It's his penis.
+Two kinds of Irish people? What are they fighting over? Who gets to sleep in the bathtub?
+Actually, those Prots and Cathies have hated each other for centuries.
+It always comes down to trans-substantiation versus con-substantiation.
+Grrr... grrr...
+Stop it! Both of you! You have a common land! A literature! And the sweetest songs on earth! TOORA LOORA LOORA -- TOORA LOORA LIE / HUSH MY LITTLE BABY / HUSH NOW DON'T YOU CRY
+TOORA LOORA LOORA
+TOORA LOORA LIE
+TOORA LOORA LOORA / IT'S AN IRISH LULLABY!
+Oh no, without the booze these guys all remember how much they hate each other!
+This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day till the Irish people showed up.
+Urchins!
+They took my cupcakes!
+All right, you unwanted miracles! Give back the lady's cupcakes -- ya don't have the teeth for it!
+Aye, but we could gum the frosting.
+If it's good gummin' you're after, wouldn't you rather have this lovely cabbage?
+Here you go, ma'am -- not a sprinkle nor jimmy askew.
+Thank you so much, Mister...
+Patrick Farrelly at your service.
+Marge Simpson. Well, Mr. Farrelly, the least I could do is offer you a cupcake.
+Light, moist, and such a marvelous shape retention. Marge, I own a small bakery... will you bake for me?
+Me? A professional baker's employee? Imagine how different my life would be!
+Here we are at school, kids.
+Hey, what are those boxes in the back?
+See ya!
+I'll do it!
+Bless your heart! You won't regret it.
+That's exactly what I was thinking!
+I already don't! Homer, I've got great news!
+I'll use my one phone call to find out all about it!
+Mulk request change of venue. Green monster cannot get fair trial in downtown Springfield.
+Granted!
+Homer Simpson?! You are a repeat offender.
+Three-peat.
+Bail is set at twenty-five thousand dollars.
+I make that in a year.
+I suggest you see a bail bondsman.
+Okay Simpson, all your information checks out. I called your boss to verify your employment, and he says you're fired for getting arrested. You'd be amazed how often that happens.
+We'll put up your bail money. Just pay us ten per cent and show up for your court date.
+And if I don't show up?
+Then you gotta deal with me.
+The name's Wolf and I'm a bounty hunter. If someone skips bail I track 'em down and bring 'em back. I also take a tooth, make a plaster cast, put it on this necklace then replace the tooth at my expense.
+Well, time to go back to my world of sleazy bars, tattoo parlors, and greasy spoons.
+What a great job. And I could use a job right now.
+Whoa, not just anyone can be a bounty hunter. You have to pass an online exam -- no wait, they got rid of that. There is a ten-dollar filing fee, but you can get around it. Congratulations, you're now a bounty hunter!
+Okay, I've set my trap. Now to scatter my cheese cubes and the rats will come. Condos! Affordable condos! Bail-jumpers welcome!
+"Bail jumpers welcome!" That's refreshing, after the cold shoulder we got at the Town Homes at Sterling Pointe.
+Let's not get too excited, till we find out if it's in a good school district.
+So wait -- are we telling people now?
+Stop -- in the name of a private citizen with no connection to the law!
+Now, are you gonna come quietly, or do I have to...
+Now, let's think about this. If you shoot me, I won't be able to stop you and you'll be free to go. But someone may come after you. Probably not, given your reputation for shooting people who come after you. What I'm trying to say is, not shooting me now would be the biggest mistake of your life.
+Bullet-proof glass.
+Flanders!
+Yep, I'm just replacing the front window at my store, which was broken in the riot.
+Young man, what would your mother say if she knew you were shooting nice people in the brain?
+She'd say that year off from Princeton was the worst decision I ever made.
+Well son, if you take responsibility for your actions, this could be the start of a better life for you.
+Maybe you're right. Maybe I should...
+This case is "in the bag."
+Homer, you could've killed him!
+I sure could've, thanks to you.
+Now I can clearly see potential customers walk right past my store. Enjoy your shopping elsewhere!
+Hey, Ned.
+I brought you something.
+He hands a greeting card to Ned.
+ANGLE ON: GREETING CARD
+What the?
+It's your share of the money for bringing in that bail jumper.
+Ned, I never thought I'd say this, but we make a great team.
+Us... a team? As the salad said to the soup, "I'm all mixed up."
+We should be bounty hunters together. You're kind and smart, I'm cruel and strong. Together, we're nothing. But together, we're the perfect bounty hunter.
+Well... I could use money. But you have to promise me something, Homer.
+Sure. What is it?
+We have to do everything by the book.
+And you have to promise no diddilies or doodilies.
+My friend, you have a deal-arooney!
+Oh Marge, your talent with cakes is a rare and precious thing.
+Well, um, thanks, but I've been wondering... why do you only have me make spheres, rods, and half-moon shapes?
+Well Marge... I'll tell you--
+Right after I talk to these customers. Excuse me.
+We're going to a bachelorette party for a really naughty girl.
+Yeah. We need something tasty and tasteless.
+I've got just the thing, courtesy of my newest baker: freshly-frosted ass-cake.
+Oh my God! This is an erotic bakery!
+Delicious!
+We'll take it. Now, what do you have in the way of a suggestive cannoli?
+Oh, we have quite a selection.
+I'll leave you with the book.
+How could you not tell me this is an erotic bakery?!
+Marge, calm down. For as long as there's been baking, there's been erotic baking. It fills a need, and harms no one.
+Harms no one? Explain that to... well what about... I think you forgot about... Hmm...
+My number-one customers are married couples. Your friends and neighbors. I just made a custom order for the Hibberts.
+It's an exact replica of the good Doctor's...
+I don't want to know!
+It's not what you think it is.
+Marge, this is a valuable public service. Without your baking, people like me will be forced into back alleys, repurposing Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs. You have a great gift. Don't let it go to waste!
+Well... okay.
+This taser is awesome. Finally, a practical use for electricity.
+Dear Lord, thank you for creating so many evil criminals for us to bring in. And also, thank you for my partner Homer, who...
+Did you just taser my coffee?
+Just warming it up. Now to melt the cheese in this croissant...and get rid of a little excess earwax...and smoke a relaxing cigar.
+Homer, can we take it easy on the taser?
+No problem.
+Our first bail jumper!
+Let's roll.
+Homer, take the taser out of your pants.
+No, it looks cool!
+Who's there?
+Bible salesman!
+Daddy's home! I brought you kids some stuff from work!
+Here you go, son. Shell casings.
+Whoa! There's still bullets in some of these!
+Point them away from your sisters when you hammer them.
+Yes sir!
+What'd you get for me?
+Something for the sweetest little scientist in the world. A new chemistry set.
+Dad, is this from a meth lab?
+The biggest one in town.
+This is evidence.
+Evidence that I love my little girl.
+Marge, I brought you some flowers! A full dozen this time! No tricks!
+Oh, Homie. I got you something too.
+A sterling silver picture frame -- with pictures of our kids in it.
+Yes, for now. I guess things are workin' out pretty good at your bakery job. Maybe we could order one of your cakes for Lisa's birthday.
+How dare you?!
+What'd you do that for?
+Sorry, sorry muscle spasm.
+I'm not convinced.
+Still on the fence.
+Now I believe you.
+He'll be here sooner or later.
+So, how 'bout a little stakeout music?
+Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
+Well, I like A.C.-D.C.
+I like their Christian cover band: A.D.-B.C.! KINDLY DEEDS / DONE FOR FREE / KINDLY DEEDS
+DONE FOR FREE
+KINDLY DEEDS / DONE FOR FREE
+KINDLY DEEDS / AND THEY'RE DONE FOR FREE / KINDLY DEEDS / AND THEY'RE DONE FOR FREE
+Hm. I've never seen anyone eat pizza like that.
+Oh, you've gotta try it. This way the pepperonis stay intact till they reach your stomach. Then, BAM!
+Man, that's harder to swallow than evolution.
+You've got to roll it from the point. Here, let me show you.
+Not bad.
+Now let it unfurl in your stomach.
+There he is!
+Oh, kitten whiskers!
+There's one thing he didn't count on: my reckless indifference to human life!
+Lord, in your mercy, could you give my friend a stroke?
+Seymour, those string beans were cooked to perfection. After twenty years I am finally starting to like you.
+Just wait for dessert, sir. I made it with you in mind.
+Outstanding! I'll just shut my eyes and let you place it before me.
+Seymour, what's going on? I'm coming down there!
+Quick! We'll have to eat from each end. We'll know we're safe when our lips meet in the middle!
+Homer, you can't drive a car onto a subway! You need a special sticker just to bring a bike! Have you no respect for the law?
+Hey, it worked, didn't it? Okay smart guy, you're going in the bag.
+Oh, wait. I left a sandwich in there.
+Homer, no! You promised... Everything was supposed to be by the book!
+You know what your problem is? You haven't become as bad as the people we chase!
+This partnership is over!
+I'll tell you what's over! This partnership!
+You know, if you take your foot off the accelerator going downhill, you wouldn't use so much gas.
+I can't take another word out of you!
+I can't believe Flanders dumped me. Marge, do we have any more of your extra-long Twinkies?
+Oh no! Those were for Mr. Smithers' commitment ceremony!
+Marge, what's going on?
+Homie, I've got a confession to make: I'm an erotic baker.
+I hid it all in the one place you'd never look.
+Marge, I can see you withholding sex or withholding cake. But withholding sexy cake? I know we have to move past this, but I don't see how.
+Homie, what do you say we go to bed? You, me and the cake?
+First, why don't you and I and the cake take a shower?
+Lucky Jim, I'm out of the bounty hunting business.
+Not so fast, Ned -- I got one more bail jumper for you to pick up.
+Forget it! I am turning in my... well, I don't really have anything to turn in. So that's that! I suggest you call Homer Simpson.
+This is one jumper that Homer can't catch.
+Seems he never showed up in court on his St. Patrick's Day arrest.
+Not interested.
+All right. If you don't want the job, I'll just give it to one of these guys.
+I'm sure they're all competent professionals, but you'd best leave it to me.
+Hello! Hello? Anybody home? Hello?
+You jumped bail, Homer. I gotta bring you in.
+What have you done to my family?
+I figured a good time to pick you up was when they were at Lisa's recital.
+And how did you know I wouldn't be there?
+Lucky guess.
+Well, you'll never take me alive!
+Forgot my keys.
+I loved you, man!
+For the last few weeks. But most of the time I've known you you've treated me like dirt!
+You hang onto resentment like a Confederate widow.
+I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
+Yeah, but you hold onto the big things! The point is, the more I got to know you, the more I got to like you.
+I like you too, but you broke the law. So I've got to bring you in.
+So, it's gonna be like that, eh?
+I've got you, my friend.
+Thanks, but... what are you holding on to?
+Well, I'm--
+Phew. Now all we have to do is get out before the concrete hardens.
+Aw, dammit!
+"...lest I come and strike the earth with a curse." Thus ends the book of Malachi. I guess I did know the whole Old Testament by heart. Out with the old... in with the new. Testament, that is. Matthew One. "The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham..."
+...Abraham became the father of Isaac. Isaac became the father of Jacob. Jacob became the father of Judah and his brothers. Judah became the father of Perez and Zerah by Tamar.
+Perez became the father of Hezron. Hezron became the father of Ram.
+Simpson, we're gonna put you away for a long, long time.
+Make it life and you've got a deal.
+Don't feel too bad, Homie. You'll be free tomorrow. And I used all my new baking skills to make a special cake to remind you of me.
+Oh, baby.
+Thanks, Marge.
+Out of gas! But how?! I put a dollar in this morning and we've only driven ninety cents.
+You had to drive with the windows down, didn't ya, Rockefeller! Now get some gas while I read my Bingo strategy guide.
+Let's see. B-twelve.
+I did it!
+Bonehead.
+This counts as a parent-teacher conference!
+Whoa, am I seeing this right?
+I am! Time to spread the word.
+Hey, Milhouse!
+Talk to me.
+Skinner's doing what?
+I'm on my way.
+I'll clean you up good, giant beer can!
+Where's Simpson?
+Well I couldn't get a hold of him. No cell phone. But if I know Bart, he's busy doing something awesome.
+Because you love the taste of my imaginary tea.
+You're right!
+Hey Spaz, while you were here spazzing yourself, you totally missed out.
+Missed out? I didn't miss out. What'd I miss out on?
+I wish I had a cell phone.
+Here's an imaginary cell phone.
+What, do you think I'm crazy?
+Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone! Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you?!
+Sweetie, we can't afford to get you a cell phone. As it is, I'm buying frozen peas on installments.
+I'm never gonna get a cell phone.
+And I'm never gonna go to Machu Picchu. In this family, you get used to disappointments.
+How am I ever gonna get a cell phone?
+Is this your ball?
+Why yes it is.
+Here you go.
+Don't tell me where I go. A dollar? What for?
+It's the least I can do -- these balls cost five dollars new.
+So I can get a dollar for every ball I find?! Then if a cell phone costs one hundred dollars, how many balls do I need?
+This is why my kids go to private school.
+Yee-haw!
+I'll fix you, ya varmint!
+Wow, I'm just twenty balls away from a cell phone!
+So it's you! You're the one who's been poachin' on me territory.
+Groundskeeper Willie?
+Weekends and summers, I'm Greenskeeper Willie. Your ball-scavengin' days are over! And those orphan golf balls belong to me!
+This phone belongs to Denis Leary!
+Dimpled gold! I'm rich! Now I won't have to pleasure a country-club wife to get me steak dinner.
+I'm never gonna get a cell phone!
+Oh great, we've got to wait for Denis Leary! Hey Leary, if you want to have a tea party, go back to Boston!
+Boston.
+Come on, Ice Age -- take the shot!
+"Ice Age" was the name of the film -- I played Diego, the vicious saber-toothed tiger, who, guess what, has a heart. Now shut up. Or I'll have you all kicked out of show business.
+Dammit!
+Huh? A cell phone!
+It's mine! Cool! And you can even watch commercials on it.
+Hey Milhouse, guess where I'm calling from?
+Well, I know you don't have a cell phone, so you must be in your kitchen or one of your bedrooms. Unless you have a wall jack in your basement -- that would be huge.
+Look outside your window.
+I'm not supposed to look out the window when I'm alone.
+Just do it!
+Cell phone!
+Let's assign each other ringtones!
+That felt good.
+Hello?... you want Denis Leary? Wrong number, dumbass.
+Come on Denis, it's me, producer Brian Grazer. I just paid five million dollars for the screen rights to the book "Everybody Poops."
+I'm a big fan.
+Only one face came to mind for the constipated gorilla -- yours.
+Sure -- on one condition. I wanna do my own poops.
+I wouldn't have it any other way.
+Of course I'll do it for minimum. Great. I'll see you next Monday in Tunisia.
+Yo. Who's this?
+Dennis Leary? Boston comedian turned movie star turned basic cable notable?
+That's right! Let's call his business manager and tell him to spend all his money on Yankees hats and Derek Jeter jerseys.
+I don't know, Bart. What if Denis Leary gets mad?
+Naw, he's cool. He's gonna think this is hilarious.
+No longer must we live in shame! Let the decree go forth -- everybody poops!
+And... cut! Great, great, man -- you really nailed it!
+I don't even remember agreeing to be in this movie.
+Well, you did. Bring in the poop!
+Milhouse, I hold in this hand Denis Leary's cell phone. And in this hand, the phone numbers of bars around the world. Let's start with Hawaii.
+Aloha to you! I'm looking for Maya. Last name Normousbutt.
+Hang on, I'll check. Has anyone here seen Maya Normousbutt?
+I got a "Drew P. Wiener" here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener.
+Better put it down then, mate.
+Ja? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay? First name Olaf? Attention everyone! Olaf Myfriendsaregay!
+Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you...
+I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
+The sun never sets on the Bartish Empire.
+Denis Leary, you little puke! I'm gonna rip out your heart with two fingers! They taught me how to do it for my show!
+Which one, the one that got canceled or the one that's gonna get canceled?
+You are so dead!
+That laughter sounds like the result of misbehavior. Bart! How did you get a cell phone?
+Same way you got me: by accident, on a golf course.
+Whose phone is this?
+You'll never get it out of me.
+Okay. Milhouse?
+It's Denis Leary's! I'm sorry, Bart -- I'm desperate for any signs of adult approval.
+You did the right thing.
+Bart Simpson's stolen cell phone -- can I help you?
+Damn straight you can! I'm Denis Leary, and your kid is out of control!
+I'm sorry, Mr. Leary. Sometimes it's hard to be a parent.
+No it's not, it's easy! I'll tell you what's hard -- having to watch my stunt double run into a burning building! Worrying that people might realize it's not me, it's him. Try doing that!
+I don't think I could. Mr. Leary, I'm so sorry. I'll send you your phone back right away.
+Keep the phone. In fact, can I give you some advice?
+Of course, you're Denis Leary!
+Give your kid back the phone... but first, activate its built-in G.P.S. system. That way you can log on to your carrier's website, and track your son's movements, the way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
+Shouldn't you just be happy for their success?
+I should be a lot of things, lady.
+My Tarts!
+Okay, here goes. Bart, I have something for you!
+Wait a minute. I thought you said I couldn't have this.
+Awesome, another call.
+Well, sweetie... I know I said you couldn't have a cell phone, but, in these days of stranger dangers and sinister ministers, I think it's important that we're in touch.
+Lady, you are the best Mom ever!
+Did he take the bait?
+Like a big-mouthed bass.
+Okay, Bart went to the comic book store.
+Bullies!
+Hey, he went into a construction site!
+That's a hard hat zone!
+You sure this is safe?
+Sure, I got my seatbelt on.
+Bartholomew J. Simpson!
+What are you doing at this construction site?!
+Uh, trying to do something constructive?
+I'll just take Milhouse home.
+Bart just keeps spinning around and around and around. What's his angle?
+What are you two doing in the laundry room?
+We're doing laundry.
+Dad, do laundry.
+No problem.
+Tracking software? You're spying on Bart!
+Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong.
+It shows you care.
+That's right, my beautiful, beautiful Midge -- Soon you'll be mine.
+Soon you'll be mine.
+Keep talking, creep-o.
+Every word buys you another year in the slammer.
+Bart! There's something I need to tell you! Mom and Dad have been--
+Shhh! I'm listening to financing terms for double-glazed windows.
+You got Bart!
+It's me, you idiot.
+Mom and Dad are spying on you. There's a tracking chip in your cell phone!
+They're spying on me?! That's horrible!
+I know! It's a complete violation of your rights. Not to mention--
+Hold that thought. I'm getting a text.
+Viagra at five dollars a pill? Whatever it is, it's goin' in Skinner's coffee.
+What is in this coffee?!
+Track this, Mom and Dad.
+Look at Bart go! He must be running away!
+Eh, he won't get far. Not on the crappy breakfast I made for him.
+Oh my God, he's out of frame! Zoom out! Zoom out!
+He's circling the Shelbyville Bird Sanctuary.
+Our little boy has lost his mind. Let's get him.
+Looks like I've got the house to myself for a while.
+I can do anything I want! First I'm gonna take a bath, then I'm gonna eat some vegetables, and then I'm gonna get to bed nice and early with no TV.
+So your family's been gone for three days?
+Yeah. And I think they may be gone a while longer. Ooh, it looks like the grilled Twizzlers are ready.
+Mmm, oh yeah, this baby is done.
+Awesome. But I better get goin'. It's gettin' dark. My Mom's gonna wake up soon. She gets upset if someone's not there to tell her where she is. Typical mom.
+You sure you don't wanna stay and have a sleepover? I made sleepover shirts.
+Listen Bart, if I don't get home soon, there won't be time for my mom to give me a hug, my dad to read me a story, and both of them to sing me a song till I gently fall asleep.
+Anyway, you have fun by yourself. Huh, there's no moon tonight. Real boogeyman weather.
+Bart's been moving nonstop all afternoon. Maybe there's too much sugar in his Sugar-Frosted Candy O's.
+Something about this just doesn't seem right.
+Pull over -- Bart's in this field!
+Bart! Where are you, boy?! Don't worry, I won't strangle you.
+I think we're following you. What's your species, little guy?
+Ooh, you're a scarlet tanager. You've been flying south, because you're migrating to... Machu Picchu, Peru!
+Well, I could tell Mom and Dad the chip is in the bird and hope they take me to Machu Picchu another time, or...
+Mom! Dad! Bart's on the move!
+Oh man... when you're alone, night is scary.
+Day is awesome!
+Night is scary.
+Day is awesome!
+Night is scary...
+Are we ever going to find him?
+Absolutely -- that unpleasantness in Ecuador is behind us, my coca leaf addiction is under control , and Bart is finally trapped in that paradise above the clouds.
+Bart! Where are you, Bart?
+Is that him? No, it's just a bush. Clearly the work of Wirakocha, the trickster god.
+You guys look exhausted. Maybe you oughta rest for a while.
+No. All I care about is finding my boy. And then I'm never letting him out of my sight again...
+Greetings, sky-haired sun mother.
+Um, I don't need any new friends, I'm just looking for my little boy. I need to protect him from himself.
+Like the mothers of ancient Machu Picchu protected their children?
+Our mothers were the most overprotective in the greater Machu Picchu metropolitan area.
+They forced their children to live in this walled mountain city.
+Those walls do look safe.
+Walls that keep out danger, keep out knowledge. Our young people never learned to survive on their own, so when they grew up, they were no match for the conquistadors.
+Oh my God. You've taught me a valuable lesson!
+I didn't mean to. I'm just chatty. I sold my business a few years ago and I miss talking to people.
+So I can't always be there for Bart. He's got to learn to take care of himself.
+The computer says Bart's standing on the computer. All I see is a stupid bird with a tracking chip on its leg! It doesn't add up!
+I think it's time for us to go home.
+Thank God you're okay!
+Were you guys gone?
+We were gone for two weeks!
+I didn't even notice.
+I just made a thirty-seven hundred mile car trip. I need to wash up.
+Never leave again.
+Where's Maggie?
+Oh, uh, she's uh...
+Stupid shopping list, turning food into work. Bart!
+Look at me! I'm doin' something!
+You better settle down, boy, or I'll drag you into the blind spot of that security camera...
+...and beat you with one of those big thick women's magazines with all the ads in it!
+Mr. Homer, why don't you forget your worries with this -- the last lottery ticket on the roll. They say the last one is lucky! Unlike all the others. Lucky! Or not.
+Hmmm, you make a good case. I'll take it!
+Dad, look at me! Look at me!
+Cannonball!
+I'll take that last Lottery ticket, Apu.
+I won! I won!
+Fifty thousand dollars!
+Ponder this, Homer. This ticket woulda been yours if your kid hadn't been screwin' around.
+That is true. Another ironic "Tale of the Kwik-E-Mart".
+You just cost me two hundred thousand dollars!
+I thought it was fifty.
+I was gonna bet it on the dogs!
+Hmmm, all the groceries seem to have been balled up in anger.
+That kid has become a Dennis-level menace!
+Now Homer, boys will be boys.
+Bart cost us fifty thousand dollars.
+I'm going to Moe's.
+Lenny, Lenny he's our guy! / Got the ticket Homer didn't buy!
+Oh cheer up, Homer. The drinks are on Lenny.
+I don't want your pity booze. I'll pay for it myself.
+Uh, I gotta check with Lenny on that. Uh, is that all right, Lenny?
+Nope, Lucky Lenny's buying all the drinks tonight.
+Sorry Homer, but here's a compromise: why don't you both pay for the drink?
+And tip.
+I just wanna tell you all that even before I won this money, I was the luckiest guy in the world 'cause I got friends like you.
+That's why I'm spending my remaining Scratcher winnings on a kick-ass party for all my friends!
+Where's Bart? We're gonna be late for Lenny's party.
+Don't waste your shot, Bart. You've got just enough cat pee to soak two dorks.
+Bart Simpson! Did you just spray water on me?!
+Uh... it was water this morning.
+Dang that Bart! Thanks to him, I have to wear my backup dress which makes my arms look fat.
+Oh, you look great.
+Haw haw! You feel self-conscious!
+Why can't our son just behave?
+Well Marge, you did have that one sip of alcohol while you were pregnant...
+I now christen this ship the U.S.S. Float 'N' Shoot!
+That was unforgivable. But I'm beginning to think that Bart's bad behavior is more than just a phase.
+Mom! Bart's flicking boogers on me!
+They're not boogers! They're clumps of rubber cement. That I stored in my nose.
+Stop it, both of you! Don't make me drive into that tree! You know I will!
+No flicking boogers, and no driving into trees!
+Yes, ma'am.
+Wow, Lenny went all out!
+In the beginning, there was darkness... so God created man.
+But man was alone.
+God created the animals and birds.
+But man was still lonely.
+So God said... "let there be friends!"
+THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND / TRAVELED DOWN THE ROAD AND BACK AGAIN / YOUR HEART IS TRUE / YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANT...
+Thank you for being a friend... Thank you for being a friend... Thank you for being a friend.
+Thank you for letting me take home the centerpiece.
+These are going right on my Mom's grave.
+Thank you for being a friend...
+Lenny, it was pretty cool of you to spend your lotto winnings on your pals...
+It was worth it so everyone could have a wonderful evening and go home with a gift bag.
+A vacuuming robot!
+Now before you all leave, I know everyone hates vacuuming, and loves robots...
+These innocent robots couldn't have done this on their own. Someone would've had to turn them all on at once... and then imbue them with some kind of malevolent sentience.
+Yep. There it is.
+Well, whoever did this must be long gone by now, Chief. I don't know how we'll ever catch him.
+Kill, kill, kill!
+Hold it right there, Bart! Can you tell us anything about who did this?
+Bart make Bot bad!
+Uh... I can explain...
+Kill the child!
+Bart, I've had it with you! I'm taking away all your TV privileges.
+You already did that.
+Okay, then videogames.
+That too.
+No more non-dice board games.
+What? You can't take my Balderdash!
+I just did.
+I don't mean to be bad. I don't know why I do the things I do.
+No one understands me. I wish I had a different family.
+I feel exactly the same way.
+Oh my God! You look like a dorky version of me!
+And you look like a dimwitted version of me!
+This is my bedroom?!
+My name's Simon Woosterfield.
+"Woosterfield"? Your family owns this place! And Woosterfield Arena! Bonnie Raitt played there! You guys must be loaded!
+Yes. But the funny thing about being rich is sometimes you wake up feeling--
+Terrific? Incredible? Happy as a clown?
+Oh yeah, I'm livin' the dream.
+Wouldn't it be hilarious if we switched places and lived each other's lives for a while?
+Hm, I don't know. I'm pretty attached to my family, and...
+Get out here, boy! I wanna punish you before I get drunk and merciful!
+My father's name is Homer... my mother's name is Mom... my sister's name is Lisa, but everyone calls her Loser.
+My butler's name is Chester. I have a brother named Devon and a sister named Quenly. Oh, and my horse is called Shadowfax. You can't miss him. He's the only Lipizzaner in our stable.
+Lipizzaner... got it.
+There you are, Master Simon!
+Thank you, uh, Lipizzaner.
+As you say, sir. Watch your head.
+You ruin everything! /
+Driver, laugh at those people for me.
+My pleasure, sir.
+McMansion, McMansion...
+McMansion, McDonalds, McDreamy, McSteamy, McMansion, Fleetwood Mac, and MacCauley Culkin.
+And this is your home, sir. But of course you already knew that.
+Awesome!
+Awesome!
+Awesome!
+A candy corn volcano! A ceiling from Saddam's palace!
+Ooh, and a racecar bed...that really races!
+Wow, a cool poster of Joe Montana!
+It's not a poster.
+I'm the real deal. Every day I stand here the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words "Notre Dame" are French, but the team is the Fighting Irish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here.
+Back in the poster, gabby.
+Yes, sir.
+Milhouse, it's me. Check out the caller I.D. on your phone.
+"Blocked Number"? That service is three sixty-five a month! Did you switch places with a millionaire kid who looks just like you?
+Just sit tight -- I'm sending a car.
+Why are these noodles orange?
+I made it with Cheetos, just like you like it. If the sauce is too thick, I can add more root beer.
+Maybe I'm just not hungry.
+Human garbage can to the rescue!
+So at work today, we got a memo saying everyone's getting new chairs.
+Father, could you--
+Talk louder? You bet. Naturally, I threw my old chair in the dumpster right away. But then Lenny said "No, that was the new chair. That memo was two months old!" So now I'm sitting on an orange crate. I never felt so--
+Please stop spitting food on me!
+Keep your food in your mouth, you semi-literate spew-monkey!
+That's it, boy! You're going to bed without supper!
+That was an odd thing for Bart to say.
+Maybe he's going through... certain changes.
+If that boy thinks I'm paying to put him through four years of puberty, forget it! Stupid kids... think I'm made of hormones...
+This is the greatest great hall I've ever eaten in, Bart--
+I mean Simon...
+This must be my half-brother and half-sister!
+They're beautiful! I mean, just the girl -- I didn't notice the beautiful boy.
+...So I said "Dad, I wanted a Range Rover, not a Land Rover. This is the worst Martin Luther King Day ever."
+Well, well. If it isn't our half-wit half-brother.
+Ow! The ol' hot spoon. But why?
+Because you're our half brother, you're blocking our full inheritance and we hate you.
+Oh, now I get it.
+Bart, I have a crush on your new sister.
+You had a crush on my old sister.
+Yeah, but that was never gonna happen.
+Give me back my newspaper!
+Homer, it's not a real paper -- it's a rubber chew toy!
+For your information, the "Daily Growl" is the only newspaper that's not afraid to say how great this country is!
+How's the war going? We're winning, that's great! And our standing abroad? Fantastic!
+This place is insane! Tonight, I got sent to bed without dinner!
+Oh yeah? Well what's up with your brother and sister?
+They're jealous because my father, left their mother, to be with my mother, to--
+Eh, you lost me. Well, gotta go -- enjoy the upper-lower middle class!
+Bart, honey, I saw you didn't like your dinner, so I thought you might like pepperoni pizza with the crust cut off.
+Now let me tuck you in, fluff your pillow and sprinkle a little fairy dust to keep the monsters away. It's cinnamon! Nightie-night, sweetheart.
+I could get used to this.
+My family's here!
+Fancy party! This is like a rap video before the rappers show up.
+Simon. Have you ever seen the family mausoleum?
+All the Woosterfields will be buried here. Do you know that after a hundred years, dead bodies turn to red licorice?
+Whoa! Let me at it!
+Help! Let me out! I have my doubts about this licorice!
+Oh, Mr. Burns! I'm really sorry!
+Nonsense, young Woosterfield! Your fortune is greater than mine. It is-it is I who am at your service. Smithers! Fetch us some lemonade!
+All I had was Sunnytime Pink.
+Premix?! I beg your forgiveness, lad. Smithers! Pour it down your pants.
+Now squish about in those pants, rewetting every hour!
+Come with me.
+You know, Master Simon, I too was once the youngest in a wealthy family.
+You were once the youngest of something?
+But fortune ended up smiling on me while snuffing the life from my siblings.
+My older brother was trampled by a horse, my sister died of a poisoned potato, my twin was shot, that girl was stabbed, he ate another poisoned potato, spontaneous combustion, fell down a well, potato, potato, and impaled on the Chrysler Building.
+Wow, only you survived which means the entire fortune went to you.
+Yes. Funny that.
+A word of caution, young Woosterfield: watch out for those closest to you.
+Devon and Quenly?
+You don't know when they'll strike -- a boating accident, a mishap during a "ski trip." But rest assured one way or another they will do you in.
+Oh my God. Simon set me up. And all this time I thought he wanted the life of a stranger he met in the bathroom.
+Now, would you care to continue this conversation on the teeter-totter?
+Why won't you come down?!
+I told you, I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys!
+So I looked down the barrel of my Winchester rifle, I pulled the trigger, and I shot that buffalo.
+You shot a buffalo?
+You were listening? That means I've gotta come up with an ending for this nonsense.
+Bart, what are you doing?
+Politely listening to our grandfather.
+It was the war to end all wars... but Pepsi would not give up. They continued to challenge Coke.
+Okay, listen, you. I don't know who you are or what you've done with the real Bart. But... God help me, I want him back.
+I don't know what you're talking about.
+The real Bart would've thrown me out the window.
+He would've defenestrated you?
+You're just digging yourself even deeper.
+Come on, Bart, you've gotta get outta here. Pack like you've never packed before. You know, I have never packed before.
+This is hard!
+So, you're packing. You must've already heard.
+Heard what?
+We're going to Aspen.
+On a little ski trip.
+Ski trip?
+You won't know how they'll strike -- a boating accident...
+...a "ski trip".
+SCRUBBING YOU / IS EASY 'CAUSE YOU'VE BEEN PRE-RINSED / AND WHEN YOU'RE COVERED WITH GOO / THAT'S WHEN I'M SCRUBBING YOU! / SCRUB-BUB-BUB-BUB-BUB / SCRUB-BUB-BUB-BUB-BUB...
+Mom, "Bart" has something to tell you.
+I don't like the look of those air quotes.
+ALL AROUND THE SOMETHING WORLD,
+So now Bart is on his way to Aspen, where they're going to try to kill him!
+Thank you, future Bart, for traveling back through time to warn us!
+Boy, Aspen sure is ritzy. Even the winos look better.
+Uh, we're champagne-os. Who wants a mimosa?
+Uh... this trail is for experienced skiers.
+Which is what you'll be if you make it to the bottom.
+Which you won't.
+Soon he'll be dead.
+And we'll split the inheritance.
+Yes, split. Potato?
+There's Bart!
+This looks like a job for Captain Crazy! Up, up and away!
+Aw come on, gravity. You used to be cool!
+Occupied!
+Two hot chocolates, please!
+Are you guests at the lodge?
+Y'know, I feel sorry for you, kid. Going back to that cold, loveless family.
+I'll survive.
+Your favorite, sir. Hot fudge sundae with gold leaf and diamond flakes.
+Take me with you!
+I'll be anything and everything you want! Don't leave me here with them!
+I never thought I'd say this, but I missed you guys. Even what's her name, Lisa.
+Now, we tuck in the tummy, the tushy and the tootsies.
+This is the life.
+Bill and Marty here, in the middle of another Fourth of July weekend Shock-Jock-Talk-Block!
+All weekend long we'll be counting down the top five hundred wacky sound effects of all time!
+And here's number four ninety-nine: Where were you when you first heard this...
+I'll tell you where I was -- I was out eating...I think I had Kung Pow...and I ended up on the...
+I can't listen to this anymore.
+Nobody shuts out my blather!
+Homie, let's pick up those hitchhikers. They don't look like the stabby kind.
+Mom, you said all hitchhikers were drug-crazed thrill seekers.
+I said they were thrill-crazed drug seekers. Don't put words in my mouth!
+Thanks for stopping.
+This is my girlfriend, Beatrice.
+Aw... young love.
+Were we ever that stupid?
+Of course we were.
+Marge, I thought of a new thing -- it's called "biking out." It's a combination of biking and making out.
+I don't know...
+C'mon, all the teens on bikes are doin' it.
+Howdy-do, strangers! Hop on in before you become a couple runneth over!
+Ned, are you sure? They're covered with mud.
+And in that mud, I'm plantin' the seed of friendship. Name's Ned Flanders!
+As the elephant said to the peanut vendor, toss those in my trunk!
+Marge! I love this guy!
+Put 'er there, muddy buddy.
+He rhymes! Oh, happy day!
+So, are you two engaged? Engaged to be engaged?
+Well, we thought we'd wait a little while.
+Really? Not married? And you were bicycling two abreast?
+I wish -- we were bicycling to a lake.
+Wordplay: never cared for it. But it's never too soon for you two to join the "I do" crew. Now I'm not sayin' it's all Jell-O with Cool Whip. She'll nag ya. She'll try to change ya. You'll be fighting the same basic fight for years and years and years--
+Ned, don't you think you're exaggerating just a bit?
+I think I'd like to finish my sentence: and years.
+Um, how long have you two been married?
+Since two this afternoon. Welcome to our honeymoon!
+Marge Bouvier, will you not marry me?
+Homer Simpson, I would be delighted not to marry you.
+Then I now pronounce us "just dating."
+I love kissing you. I never want to knock it off.
+Knock it off!
+How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings! Bart! Don't you dare take your eyes off that Gameboy!
+Yes, sir.
+I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!
+Videogames -- the reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.
+I can't believe Homer ruined another family picnic.
+Hey, everybody pees in the pool!
+Not from the diving board!
+You're driving too fast!
+You're losing your hair!
+You sneeze like a girl!
+Your neck looks like a sideways ass!
+That's it!
+Eat gravel, hags!
+Homer, that was rude and shortsighted. Patty and Selma have the map.
+GONNA DO THE LIMBO ROCK
+I have the situation under control. The compass needle is pointing east.
+That's the fuel gauge.
+How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?
+You haven't said you're sorry.
+I know -- I was hoping the number might be zero.
+Can we use your phone?
+Of course -- it's just past the sushi bar, behind the limbo pit, right in front of the blackjack table.
+And feel free to stay. We just put out the cheese -- we have cubes of yellow, cubes of orange, and cubes of orange and yellow.
+A really fun party? Full of colored cheeses and awesome stuff to do? Doesn't seem like your kind of thing, Marge.
+We'll stay for one hand roll or two Nigiri -- then we have to get back to the kids!
+Eh, let my Dad enjoy 'em a little longer.
+Stop! Stop!
+Where are the cookies?
+I don't remember!
+Wrong answer!
+Oh, for me?
+No, get two of your own.
+You're a funny one.
+That's strong -- are you trying to get me drunk?
+No, I'm trying to get me drunk.
+You know, my horoscope said I'd meet the man of my dreams tonight.
+Well, a horoscope would never lie to a pretty girl like you.
+You are adorable! Are you... alone?
+No, I'm talking to you, at this great party!
+Well then, would you like to limbo?
+Limbo? You mean the dance or that place where unbaptized babies go? Either way, I'm in.
+EVERY LIMBO BOY AND GIRL,
+Or you!
+SOMETHING SOMETHING LIMBO SOMETHING
+LIMBO LOWER NOW / HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?
+That's how low you can go!
+Why are you dancing with that strange woman?
+She's not strange! She's fun! And she doesn't get jealous when I talk to other women!
+Well then she can have you all to herself!
+How about a sushi fight?
+Sushi fight!!
+These fish died for nothing!
+Homer Simpson, I wish I'd never met you!
+Thanks for the lift.
+What a cute couple. She's gonna take him for a lot of money.
+Here we are.
+A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? Also, who's Davy Crockett?
+Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.
+Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me.
+They have a pe-dal car.
+Pedal cars su-uck!
+They're worse than wal-king!
+I'll put a hundred bucks in your col-lege fund.
+I'll take ten bucks no-ow.
+I'll steal it back when you're sleep-ing.
+Well, when the sun goes down it means God's gone to China to watch over those good folks. Time for some shuteye.
+Why Flanders, you rogue.
+All Marge and I need are a queen-sized bed and a king-sized "Do Not Disturb" sign.
+Sorry, Homer, I'm afraid it's separate accommodations for you notly-weds.
+What?! But I have urges!
+That's just your trouser devil talking!
+He's not talking, he's yelling!
+Goodnight, Marge.
+Sweet dreams, my new best friend.
+Oh, what better way to celebrate our wedding night than by keeping an unmarried couple apart?
+Aw, Maude. Your dead grandmother's pajamas. You know what that does to me.
+I never thought I'd say this, but... Stupid Flanders.
+There's absolutely nothing to worry about! I'm in my own room, being chaperoned by an actual Christian.
+Well, I just don't trust that Homer Simpson. He's that rare combination of up to something and good for nothing.
+Whoa. Good one. We should put that in the file.
+Nice. /
+Madame, perhaps I can be of some assistance.
+But I can't take a dress from a man who looks so good and smells so clean.
+Please. When you came through the door tonight, I instantly imagined you in a ruched burgundy bias-cut evening gown with a wolverine hem and a contrasting cerise tulle décolletage.
+Really? Me? You did?
+Oh yes. With a pair of saffron brocade diamond mink pumps.
+Pumps are shoes! That explains a lot.
+Marjorie, you look beautiful. Let me take you for a ride.
+Or should I say "glide."
+I'm just happy you're talking again. You didn't say a word for forty-five minutes.
+You don't need her, baby. Sylvia's got everything you want.
+Do you have a pineapple pizza?!
+Pineapple and pepperoni.
+This is all going so fast.
+We should be getting back to the party.
+Marjorie, that party was beneath a woman of your elegance and sophistication. You-- Oh, look -- a budget motel!
+I see the word "vacancy" is lit, and the word "no" is not. Let us pray the "no" is not broken, huh?
+Alberto, I'm not sure if this is such a good idea.
+Eh-eh-eh! First we make love, then we decide if it was a good idea. That's the European way.
+I came here once with Marge. Are you Marge, Sylvia?
+Homer, I can be whoever you want me to be.
+I want you to be Marge.
+Marge?!
+Marge? Is that you?
+My husband!
+Why do married women always have husbands?
+Marge, what are you doing here?
+Uh... the same thing you're doing here.
+You better not be! I mean, great! We both came to rekindle our precious memories of when we were young and in love. Right?
+We sure did. Rekindle, rekindle... Okay, let's go.
+Oh, oh, oh, I have a better idea -- let's spend the night together, right here.
+Fine. But I don't want to sleep in the same room with that chest.
+I feel the same way about that lamp.
+Okay, but first the chest.
+There you are!
+Homie, what's taking so long?
+Listen, you're a classy lady and a great sushi fighter. But you're goin' in the box.
+Coming, Marge!
+Good evening. I am Alberto.
+Sylvia. Let's get out of this chest and go have a drink.
+Actually, I am quite comfortable here. There is a flask of cognac in my pocket. Do you think you can reach it?
+Okay. Is this it?
+No, but don't stop twisting it.
+Now let's spend the rest of the night making sweet, sweet--
+I'm through baby-sitting these monsters! Goodnight.
+We won, he's asleep!
+And we'll stay up forever!
+That takes care of those three -- want to go for a lakeside snuggle?
+Homer Simpson, you devil!
+Well, that takes care of those three -- want to go play some lakeside Boggle?
+Homer Simpson, you devil! But I think we should unpack first...
+Hmm, all right. The trick is to ease them off--
+What is this dump?
+Ah, Ruthie, this "dump" is where your mother and I met. It was a tale of betrayal, redemption and a lovely continental breakfast.
+Homer, those are our wedding bungees!
+Marjorie?!
+It's so good to see you. We owe you two a debt of thanks.
+Homer, if I hadn't come to this motel with you, I never would've met Alberto.
+And Marjorie, if you had completed your seduction of me, I never would've met Sylvia.
+I can't believe one of the most beautiful moments in our marriage is based on lies!
+You're just as bad as me. And you used to be better, so that makes you worse! I don't think we can ever trust each other again.
+Ruthie, kick me away from this nightmare.
+I wish I'd never met you!
+Why can't you just admit we're lost?
+I'll tell you what's lost: your sense of adventure.
+Just ask those guys for directions.
+Hmm... Anti-nuclear activist Dr. Helen Caldicott... director Julie Taymor... do you love these women?
+They're okay, I guess.
+Let's just skip to the Windsor knot instructions.
+Excuse me, boys! My brother is lost, and kind of a jerk. If he'd brought a map of the grounds as I suggested, then we would--
+Lisa, do you know why I spend every day after school in detention? So I don't have to come home to you!
+Oh, Bart. Don't say things you can't take back.
+It's out there. Deal with it!
+Oh great. Now you woke the baby.
+I told you we should have left her with your mother!
+My God, Bart, what happened to us?
+We grew up.
+So... I'm sure you missed Marge last night.
+Yeah. I missed her like five times.
+What a charming single entendre. Now look, I know marriage is scary, but if you really think she's the one, it gives you two a shot at forever.
+Forever? That would be awesome.
+Okay, here she comes! Why don't you take Marge for a walk, open your heart and see what pours out?
+And I suppose you and Maude will be coming along as well?
+Don't you think I've got better things to do on my honeymoon than spy on you two?
+Red Dog, this is Mustache One. We have possible male/female interaction -- be prepared to terminate inappropriate contact.
+Ready with the ice water.
+Lock onto his wiener.
+We have wiener-lock.
+Great gig.
+She's not here!?
+Marge, when I'm with you, I get that feeling like when I got that smart kid's report card by mistake. For a minute, I thought I had all A's. And that my name was Howard Simberg.
+You make me feel that way too.
+I know we'll get married someday, and to prove it, I'll carve our names on this tree so all who are hopelessly lost in the woods can see it.
+I hate other people's love.
+So that wasn't Marge's glider parked outside the motel five years ago! I'm getting out of this marriage while I'm still young and handsome.
+"4 Ever." I couldn't even keep a promise I made to a tree. Maybe it's not too late! Maybe I can still save our love. If I just show her that carving...
+What are you doing?
+Saving our marriage!
+Don't be silly. Our marriage can weather any storm -- just like this tree.
+Help! Fat man hanging from a tree!
+Uh-uh. That's for fires.
+Take my hand!
+I don't want to let go of our special carving!
+Homer, our marriage isn't on a piece of bark! It's in us! Now take my hand!
+Marge, I don't want to die with us mad at each other.
+Me neither, Homie.
+I know parts of our marriage are based on lies, but so are a lot of good things: religion, American history...
+I know. We had a fight, we were both tempted... we're human. The important thing is, we love each other.
+Now we wait for the river to freeze. If my theory of global cooling is correct.
+Hey, you guys want a lift in my pedal boat?
+She blew it again! Woo-hoo!
+It's not a pedal boat. It's a pedal car that Bart drove into the river. Because he knows a shortcut that's not on the map.
+How'd you like a shortcut to the bottom of the river?
+If it's your shortcut, I'll be high and dry.
+Knock it off back there.
+But we're married.
+Okay, but keep it PG.
+How about R?
+Woo-hoo! Adult situations!
+Lemonade! Sweet sunshine in your mouth! Buy a cup or I punch my sister!
+It's true! He's not bluffing!
+Maybe we should put a dollar in the jar. Prime the pump.
+What are we, a piano bar?
+I'll take fifteen lemonades.
+Make that sixteen.
+Lousy dog. If you had your way, I'd walk you every day.
+Lemonade!
+Six cups, please. And put it on my tab.
+Keep moving, deadbeat -- cash only.
+Fine, lemonade's for babies anyway! I'm going to Moe's, for beer! Have fun drinking your lemonade, babies!
+Lisa, can Daddy borrow your bike?
+I guess.
+Hey Moe, gimme a--
+Homer, shush! We're watching Krabappel try to break up with Skinner.
+Seymour, I have something difficult I want to say to you.
+I understand. It can be very difficult for a woman to propose marriage. But I am willing to go halvsies on a ring.
+Seymour... Excuse me.
+It is a great gig. May I see your vendor's license?
+Any of you lugs wanna break up with my boyfriend for me? I'll buy you a beer!
+Seymour... Edna asked me to talk to you.
+Splendid! Shall we discuss music, or the weather?
+No, this is about you. Edna wants to break up.
+She wants to break up?
+With me?
+Look at it this way: you're a free man... unlike me. You have all your hair... unlike me. No kids tying you down, or a crippling mortgage that you refinanced at twenty-six percent because a dancing internet cowboy told you to... Oh, God, I hate my life!
+Gee. Compared to you, my life is one big half-day!
+Exactly. You're good looking, have a decent job... what lonely widow wouldn't consider you an option?
+Thanks, Homer. I don't think the school pep squad could've cheered me up more. And they were state runners up in nineteen ninety-seven!
+Homer, that was amazing -- he actually felt better comin' outta the break-up than he did goin' in.
+Say Homer, you're real good at this. Think you could dump my girlfriend Doreen for me?
+Doreen? She's cheated on you with everyone -- well, except for me. And I've showered her with gifts! Fancy soaps and massage oils and uh... what have ya...
+Ooh, here she comes -- work your magic, Homer!
+Is Lenny here?
+Oh, I'm afraid Lenny's dead.
+What? I just talked to him.
+And you will again. Because he isn't really dead. And now this next piece of news won't seem so bad...
+Lemonade! We want lemonade!
+Don't worry, folks. Our master chef is stirring up a fresh batch.
+Stop that transaction!
+I'm a part-time field agent with the Springfield Department of Commerce!
+Um... I think it's... we don't have one.
+Thirty-five cents? Where did that come from? Can't be mine -- must be yours.
+I don't care if it's forty-five cents. I don't want it! Submit this form to the License Bureau. Until then, this stand is closed! Boys?
+Geez, I'm thirsty. Y'got any lemonade?
+Not anymore!
+Come on, come on! I was halfway through an operation when my license expired!
+I'll get to ya... just as soon as I finish this crossword puzzle.
+/ C'mon!
+Let's go, buddy.
+I left bananas in my car!
+Let's see, uh... ten across: "Franklin Roosevelt's middle name"? "EXCITEMENT." Uh, wait, that don't fit...
+Maybe you could use some help.
+: FDR's middle name... "DELANO." "Oxidized surface"... Well that's "RUSTY." "Bartenders serve them 'dirty'"...
+Ham sandwiches!
+No, "MARTINIS".
+Oh right.
+One more word!
+"Singer of Yentl", thirteen letters... um...
+I've got it! "ISAAC BASHEVIS!"
+Now gimme my license! Give everyone their license!
+What is a four-letter word for "hero?"
+Yes, but I meant "Lisa!"
+Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!
+Y'ello!
+Homer? It's your old roommate, Grady.
+The gay guy?
+That's not all I am! Well, it's a lot of what I am. Anyhoo, I heard how good you are at breaking up couples. I need your help to break up with Julio, 'cause I met someone new...
+Someone much more cool and refreshing.
+Uh-huh, got it. Marge, I'm going to a hardcore gay club, and I won't be home till three in the morning!
+Have fun!
+Ay Carumba!
+Bart, I've fallen in love with crosswords!
+It finally happened -- you've gone completely fruit loops.
+"FRUIT LOOPS?" That's the answer to thirty-eight down: "toucan's delight!"
+No, I mean you're loco in the coco!
+"COCOA!" "Ice rink drink!"
+You're losin' it!
+"LOSIN' IT!" "Risqué '80s teen flick!"
+Fine, go nuts -- see if I care!
+"EYE CARE!" "Optician's concern." Oh, thanks for your help, Bart! "BART?" "San Francisco people mover!"
+Speaking of San Francisco people mover:
+Grady is breaking up with me?!
+You'll always have a special place in his heart!
+In his what?
+Oh, baby, you are the breakup king. You have made the seven minutes that I'm gonna go without love so much more bearable.
+Anyone else want me to get rid of that special someone?
+Okay, everyone. Rotate one to your right.
+Guess what, Mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
+Another religion? You know, you're just gonna drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
+Probably, but a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles -- which I am!
+Me too! I been doin' 'em since Nineteen fifty-eight -- back then we called 'em "Alphabet Hotels", 'cause every letter gets its own little room. I still do the Springfield Shopper puzzle every day!
+Grampa, everyone knows that the only real test of skill is the New York Times puzzle, edited by Will Shortz!
+"Will" and "Shorts". Two things I'm no longer allowed to change by myself.
+Okay, back to the real world.
+Isn't it beautiful?
+Sure is.
+Who's driving the bus?
+What bus?
+Sweet Conclusions Break-Up Service. Oh yes, we dispose of your loved one humanely - thanks to our patented TenderDump System.
+I'll be there in thirty minutes... or your breakup is freeee!
+Simp-son! What in the blue blazes are you doing to my hopscotching grids?
+I... I made them into a crossword.
+Well, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself -- they uh, help me wind down after a day of dealing with SKIN-NER!
+You called?
+Made reference.
+My mistake.
+Lisa, I think you might be ready for this.
+"Bald Man's Basketball League"?
+Sorry, wrong flier. I meant this!
+Citywide crossword tournament!
+Ooh, thank you!
+You're welcome. Now uh, I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his skim-mer!
+You called?
+You misheard.
+My mistake.
+Marge, if I had a hundred dollars for every customer I'd broken up, I'd have exactly this amount. 'Cause that's what I charge!
+Homie... I'm not sure about this new business of yours. You're making it too easy for couples to break up just because they hit a rough patch.
+I know this is hard on you, but in time you'll come to see it's for the best.
+That's one of your breakup lines!
+What would have happened if there was someone who could break us up every time I had my doubts about you?
+Who are you?
+We are the spirits of the relationships you killed!
+We're the babies those couples would have had!
+And we're the antiques those couples would have bought together!
+Get him, chairs and babies!
+Marge, I'm getting' out of the break-up business and I don't know if I'll ever sleep soundly again.
+Well maybe...
+Wow, so this is what this is.
+Cruciverbalists from far and wide have gathered here for a no-holds-barred test of skill.
+Surely some holds are barred.
+No, none.
+Well, it sounds really exciting and you're a delightful young lady. Now if you'll excuse me...
+Hey, what's going on?
+It's kind of a secret, so shut the door most of the way.
+We found a way to make this tournament interesting. We bet on the matches.
+Really? Well, I did bring this envelope full of money.
+And these days, betting in a bar is safer than any stock, bond or real estate investment.
+Agreed. So, who are you gonna bet on?
+I want you to put it all on my little girl. And parlay with the Asian kid.
+He has a name, you know!
+What is it?
+I don't know. He's not my kid.
+She won! And like any prudent gambler, I know when to walk away: never!
+Okay, everybody, take a break.
+Dad, I could actually win this thing!
+And when you win, I win. I'll explain that to you on your deathbed.
+My only fear is, I always sabotage myself when I'm on the verge of happiness.
+You what?
+In my young life I've seen that every time I'm about to achieve true happiness, some little piece of me says "you don't deserve this." And another little piece says "I agree."
+Right, right. But will it happen this time?
+With my luck, I bet it will. It's practically a sure thing.
+Contestants to your boards.
+Wish me luck.
+Just be yourself.
+I wanna change my bet... I'm going against my daughter.
+I'll take your money. But I won't look you in the eye.
+Fine. I won't look you in the eye.
+Have I made the bet yet?
+I got it.
+We're down to our final two contestants. But before they compete, we would like to pay tribute to all the words that have been removed from the dictionary in the past year.
+You know, my wife Shirley, she's the real crossword ace in our family. Fills in those letters fast as hail on a tin roof: ping-ping-ping, she's done. Shirley passed away two years ago. But I'm still not over it.
+Oh, that's so sad!
+Hey, what can you do? Life keeps changing the music, but you gotta keep up the cha-cha-cha, huh?
+Let's see, I'll spread some Q's around. That'll get my brain goin'.
+Aw, I dropped my glasses! Shirley, baby, I let you down.
+Hey, there are no lenses in these glasses...
+Let's see, that's "ENRICO FERMI", and there you've got the "PET SHOP BOYS", and cross the T and zing the Z and skit skat skoodily I'm all the way home.
+Lisa got hustled!
+I blew it again.
+Here's your money. Drenched in your daughter's tears.
+You know, for a bartender-bookie you're awfully judgmental.
+Boy, Dad seems awfully happy.
+And there's something different about him.
+He bought new shoelaces. With fancy metal tips!
+Dad? Did you come into some money we don't know about?
+You got highlights in your hair!
+Uh... the sun did that.
+And your car antenna has been straightened and re-balled.
+What's goin' on?
+Well, sweetie, Daddy made a little extra money betting against you in the crossword tournament. You'll understand when you're a parent placing large wagers against your own children. I hope you're not mad.
+No, I'm not mad.
+You sure you're not mad?
+No, I'm not mad.
+You sure you're not mad?
+No, I'm not mad.
+Mr. Teddy, can you ask Lisa if she's mad? What's that, Mr. Teddy? You're saying that you know women? And that when women say they're not mad, they're madder than ever?
+She's gone. Can you drive me home? I'm a little drunk.
+Lisa? Lisa?
+Lisa, sweetie... please, look at your Daddy.
+You stopped being my Daddy as soon as you bet against me! All I have now is a mom, which is why I'm taking her maiden name! From now on, I'm...
+Lisa Bouvier!
+Hey, Mr. S... Lisa B...
+Nooooooooooooooooo!
+Would you like to buy some band candy?
+Yessssssssssssssss!
+Lisa's mad at me, and now she's using Marge's maiden name instead of mine.
+Homer, whatever you done to that little girl, you just gotta do something even nicer to win her back.
+She may never take back your name, but there's still a chance she'll take you back as a Daddy.
+Wow... nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks.
+So the name "Lisa Simpson" is available, huh? Lotta goodwill attached to that name... I'm gonna take it.
+Lisa's Tavern, Lisa speaking.
+Lisa, sweetie, I'm honored that you choose my name, but it's not that great. Back in high school, the boys used to call me Marge "BOOB"-ier.
+Hey, Bouvier was Jackie Kennedy's maiden name.
+Really? I never knew that.
+Well what did you think her name was before it was Kennedy?
+Jackie "O." Like Spaghetti-o's. I thought that was where her money came from. Look, why don't you cheer up by doing a New York Times crossword puzzle, huh?
+I'm through with crosswords! My innocence died in those four hundred and forty-one little boxes.
+It might be a fun way to kill a couple hours.
+A couple hours? I can do the Sunday puzzle in less than one hour!
+A couple of hours...
+"Last clue: "Loses on purpose". Hmmm... "DIETS!" Oh, Will Shortz, you clever rascal.
+And a new record time! Wait a second...
+"DUMB DAD SORRY FOR HIS BET." Wow, it's almost as if Dad planted that message. No, it must just be a weird coincidence...but what if it's not? Oh, it must be...or mustn't it not?
+Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in the New York Times crossword puzzle?
+Well, I had a little help from this guy.
+New York Times Crossword Editor Will Shortz!
+And master puzzle constructor Merl Reagle?!
+I actually wrote that crossword.
+And I edited it. Now get back to cross-wording!
+Yes sir.
+Well I must admit, I'm kind of touched. "DUMB DAD SORRY FOR HIS BET." Nice.
+You didn't get Homer's whole message, Lisa.
+I didn't?!
+Take a look at the first letters of all the clues.
+Dear Lisa, you make me so happy... really, really, really happy. Sorry, he told me I needed a hundred and forty-four letters. What was my point again? Oh right. Bouvier or Simpson, I cherish you.
+Oh, Dad.
+Ho, ho, ho.
+OH CHRISTMAS TREE / OH CHRISTMAS TREE / YOU'RE ON THE CURB AND DEAD NOW / YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE IN THE BOX / IN TWO MONTHS WE WILL CHANGE THE CLOCKS / OH CHRISTMAS TREE / OH CHRISTMAS...
+Gee, they sure give the Christmas spirit the bum's rush around here.
+And they've already started exploiting the next holiday.
+So young man, have you judged people by the content of their character this year?
+Yes, Reverend Doctor.
+Lunch time!
+Free at last! Free at last!!!
+Okay, remember our deal: everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings. I'm returning this kitten calendar.
+Um... I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
+Kitten calendar.
+Hey, those are fifteen month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens!
+That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute.
+Man, those are ugly kittens.
+Mom, Dad! Our mall got a Mapple store!
+It's so sterile! MyPods... MyPhones... A Brainiac Bar!
+My question is the following statement: Operating System Four Point Two has sloppier architecture than a Tijuana anthill.
+Did you get peanut butter in your Ethernet port again?
+No. I got mayonnaise in the C.D. drive.
+I see you're admiring our MyCube. It's fueled by dreams and powered by imagination.
+What does it do?
+You should ask yourself, "What can I do for it?"
+Okay. What can I do for you? Please, I'm begging you!
+Sir, it's not even turned on yet.
+But it's glowing.
+That light confirms that it's off.
+I can't afford any of your products, but can I buy some fake white earbuds, so people will think I have a MyPod?
+Sure -- those are called "MyPhonies."
+Oh, and they cost forty dollars.
+Oh, I'll never get a Mapple anything.
+I hate this MyPod!
+I can't watch movies on a screen this small. And the music today -- don't get me started. I said, don't get me started!!
+Come on, isn't someone gonna get me started?!
+Let's go, Teeny. Maybe somebody at Old Navy will get me started.
+Here kid, you take it.
+Thank you, Krusty!
+Don't thank me, thank the Jewish Clown Awards gift basket.
+I'm a Mapple person!
+We're all Mapple people.
+Attention, Mapple universe! Prepare for a live announcement from Mapple founder and Chief Imaginative Officer Steve Mobbs.
+Steve Mobbs?! / He's a genius!
+He's like a god who knows what we want!
+Lisa, we came to tell you that we-- Is that a MyPod?
+Greetings, it is I, your insanely great leader, Steve Mobbs! I'm speaking to you from Mapple headquarters deep below the sea, with an announcement that will completely change the way you look at everything...
+And that announcement is...
+You're all losers!
+You think you're cool because you buy a five hundred dollar phone with a picture of a fruit on it?! Well, guess what? They cost eight bucks to make and I pee on every one!
+I have made a fortune off you chumps -- and I've invested it all in Microsoft! Now my boyfriend Bill Gates and I kiss each other on a pile of your money!
+/ Noooo!
+Traitor! Your heart is blacker than your turtleneck!
+Who dares question the boss we fired ten years ago and then brought back?
+It was my brother Bart!
+Flay him with your earbuds! Flay him I say!
+MyCube! Take me away!
+Get him!
+Stupid angry mob... chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.
+Mmm, what's that exotic aroma? It smells like a hamburger cooked at a rug store.
+Would you like some lamb?
+Whoa. All these years I've been petting lambs when I should've been shoving them in my mouth. I'm Bart.
+I'm Bashir. My family and I just moved here, from Jordan.
+Jordan. That's on some map somewhere, right?
+Bashir, introduce me to your new friend.
+Bashir, you didn't tell me you had a sister.
+Such a charmer. Would you like to stay for dinner?
+Hey, I never refuse food from strangers.
+Okay, you're new to our school, so here's the deal: we call Skinner, "Skin-rash," Mr. Wiener is "Mr. Whiner," and Groundskeeper Willie, "Grounds-creeper Stupid."
+Ah, that's not clever. And I have so many aspects you can mock! I'm poor, I'm dirty, I can't read nor write, I think movies are real...
+Okay, next, here's the food at the cafeteria that will make you sick: coleslaw, tuna, all chowders and gumbos. The only thing that's safe is the pork chops.
+My religion says I can never eat pork.
+A different religion? Do not tell anyone that, because if the bullies around here find out that you're different--
+Who's different?
+What's your name, sweat stain?
+Uh, Bashir.
+"Bash here?" I love a kid that comes with directions.
+Okay, "Bashir". Tell us where you came from so we can punch you back there.
+I'm gonna punch you extra hard 'cause I secretly think you're cute.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just whale on him because he's... what religion are you anyway?
+Muslim.
+Hoo boy.
+You're the reason I can't carry toothpaste on an airplane!
+Look guys, everyone's different. Jimbo, you're Christian. Dolph, you're Jewish. And Kearney, your family's in that cult Moe started.
+I had to join. My Mom's doin' the savior. I mean, the one true Moe.
+You're the one true mo.
+Help me, almighty Moe!
+Can't. I'm not really a God. I was just acting crazy to get out of jury duty.
+Look at Lisa Simpson, over there by herself.
+Not talking to us, her best friends. Do we hate her?
+I've already downloaded so much incredible music! Check out "Moon Dreams" from Miles Davis' "Birth of the Cool."
+Or, check out this MyTunes-exclusive episode of "Itchy and Scratchy."
+Marge, I installed all the low energy bulbs!
+What have you done with the old ones?
+Disposed of them in an environmentally friendly manner!
+Salaam alaikum.
+Salaam alaikum!
+Milhouse is lookin' good -- he's got contacts, changed color, got a cool new catchphrase... Salaam alaikum!
+Dad, that's Bashir -- my new friend.
+Bart forgot this, sir.
+Sir? That's the kind of respect you'd have to strangle out of an American kid.
+You know, Bart never told me he had a handsome teenage brother.
+I'm really thirty-eight.
+Thirty-eight waist I might believe.
+Hey Carl, got any idea what direction Mecca's in?
+Why don'tcha ask Homer? He oughtta know, by dint of his son's new friend.
+Hey, Bashir's great. If Derek Jeter married Mariah Carey, it wouldn't last, but I bet they'd have a kid like him.
+Homer, this is serious. This Bashir kid is Muslim, and therefore up to something.
+Oh, I can't believe that till I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.
+For the last time, Fayed, where did you hide the nerve gas!
+Under your Statue Of Liberty's dress!
+And she loved it!
+Oh my God. What can I do?
+But we're the more powerful country for a few more years.
+Well, if you want to stop Bashir and his war on American principles, you could discriminate against his family, in employment and housing.
+That's pretty patriotic, but I got a better idea -- invite 'em over.
+A little dinner, a little dessert, then you Jack Bauer 'em into giving you all their secrets.
+I guess I have no choice.
+Homie, it's very open-minded of you to have Bart's Muslim friend's Muslim family over.
+Here's the plan, Marge. You keep 'em talking. I'll be listening... and quietly judging.
+The doorbell will tell you when they're here.
+So, how did you two meet?
+We met while studying at Jordan University of Science and Technology.
+Ah, interesting. Why just the other day I was reading that science is used to make bombs.
+Now bait the trap.
+Why don't I get us dessert?
+I made us a little cake.
+Care to cut? Watch this, Lenny.
+Not now! I got soap in my eyes.
+No, thank you.
+What's the matter? Don't like the taste of freedom?
+Dad! These people are my friends! Don't fear them just because they have a different religion, a different culture, and their last name is Bin Laden!
+Young man, you do not respect us by disrespecting your father.
+I like the way you Italians think.
+Shut up, old man.
+I think it is time for us to go.
+That's it! Ruin a perfect evening!
+You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
+I'm sorry -- it's just so fun and easy to judge people based on religion.
+Well, I want you to go over to their house and apologize!
+Okay, I'll apologize.
+Up-bup-bup! Don't eat that, sweetie, it's poison.
+I am sorry I suspected you of being soulless murderers of innocent children. I hope we can move past this and...
+Dynamite?! They are terrorists! Must leave quietly.
+So far so good.
+Marge! I was right! Everybody is whatever I think they are.
+I saw them unloading dynamite!
+Homer, I'm sure you didn't see anything. Go to sleep.
+All right, sweetie. But if I wake up tomorrow we'll discuss it.
+Hi, Homer!
+You rubbed? You must like me. You really, really like me! Good Morrrning, Ramadan! Come to Crazy Fayeddie's! Our prices are Hussein!
+Heeeeere's Genie!
+Now do Flanders!
+No, now I will destroy your decadent Western society.
+Nooooooo!
+Hm. Usually that ends the dream.
+The power of dreaming has convinced me the threat is real!
+Delivery for Lisa Simpson.
+It's a gift from Mapple!
+Oh, such beautiful packaging! I never thought a company could be my soul mate!
+Oh, it's my first MyBill. Twelve hundred dollars?! But I only downloaded... twelve hundred and twelve songs!
+Gotta prove the genie was right...
+Off to work.
+Sometimes I wish you would quit that awful business.
+But I love blowing up buildings.
+Oh my God!
+Safely and legally, in order to make room for new buildings.
+Darling, I think you're working much too hard.
+I can't believe your dad gets paid to blow stuff up.
+Yes, I am killing myself. But it is all for the profit. After the explosion I will be in a better place.
+That corner office with the downtown view!
+Oh, it's you. What do you want?
+I want to apologize for being such a jerk at dinner. And I thought the best way to do that would be to come to your house and poke around.
+Mr. Simpson, I accept your apology. Goodbye.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait... I read somewhere your people are hospitable to guests. Is that true?
+Praise be Oliver.
+That's Allah!
+We'll look it up in the Corona.
+So... now that we're alone, um... death to America, right?
+Homer, why are you really here?
+Oh, look at that. We're out of almond paste. Don't get up. I'll grind the almonds myself.
+A computer!
+I'm in!
+Springfield mall?!
+They're gonna blow it up!
+Homer? I don't hear almond grinding!
+Just lis-ten! I'm grinding them now! Ow! My finger! Ooh, here comes the ambulance! My, you're a handsome fellow. Just get in the ambulance, Mr. Simpson. We'll see to your finger. Why thank you.
+Ow! My finger!
+Everyone get out!
+Run for your lives!
+Run for your--
+Uh... stay where you are!
+Boy, don't blow up this mall! It has the cookie store that gives free samples!
+I bet it'll burn up good!
+Actually, Bart, my job is about math and engineering. Every calculation is to make sure the explosion is safe.
+Did you factor in one bald idiot?
+No, I...
+U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
+Dad, it was an empty building. It was supposed to come down!
+What about the bridge?
+That was supposed to open tomorrow.
+Did we really need a bridge there?
+The Duff brewery is on that island.
+I'll save you!
+That banner has really paid for itself over the years.
+We accept your apology.
+Lisa, add another name to our Christmas card list. Next to our Jewish friends. Where is Lisa?
+She said something about "the bottom of the ocean" and "be back in a month."
+Welcome to Mapple Headquarters. The cost of this journey will be added to your bill.
+Come on... Come on... Yes!
+Sixteen million results!
+Mr. Mobbs, there's a surface dweller here to see you -- MyTunes user JazzGal62.
+Oh Lisa Simpson, send her in.
+Lisa, it's insanely great to see you.
+Um, Mr. Mobbs... I sort of downloaded too many songs onto my MyPod. And I don't have the money to pay for them. And... do you think you could consider a reduced payment plan?
+I'm sorry. I know our posters say "think differently"...
+But our real slogan is "no refunds."
+Can't you open your Mapple menu and click on the compassion bar? Oh please?
+Lisa, how would you like to work for Mapple?
+Would I ever!
+Put. The book. Down.
+Think differently... Think differently... Think differently... Think differently...
+Sir, we're two minutes from landing at the Billionaires' Retreat.
+Ah, my favorite week of the year -- sophisticated financial discussions with my fellow plutocrats.
+Food fight!
+Take that, Ted Turner! In your face, founder of FaceBook!
+Skinny dip!
+Yee-haw!
+"Men." The room for me!
+Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.
+Why would I want to?
+Because I said "I dare you." Kearney, can you read it back?
+"Nice prank Simpson, I dare you to...dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies. Bart: Why would I want to? Jimbo: Because I said 'I dare you.' Kearney, can you read it back? Kearney, reading: 'Nice prank Simpson, I dare you to...'"
+The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards.
+My nards accept!
+Sting-a-ma-jigs!
+Save yourselves!
+Huh? Where are the bees?
+No bees?
+Dare annulled.
+Can I appeal?
+Yeah, appeal to other guys, Captain Wuss.
+Other than the birth of my kid, this is my happiest moment.
+All the bees are dead!
+Oh no, no bees? Oooh, now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches?
+Aye, lass. The bees are dyin' -- and not just here, all over the world, from Glasgow clear to Edinburgh. And no one knows why!
+I've lost a lot of wee friends of late.
+Willie, I didn't know you were an apiarist.
+From context, I can tell that means "beekeeper." 'Tis a tragedy, Lisa -- no man should outlive his bees.
+They're stingin' God now.
+...and the call from the S.E.C. was coming from inside their own brokerage house.
+Jeff Bezos wet his pants!
+I did not! That was apple juice from before!
+I fold.
+I raise a million dollars... and to sweeten the pot, my assistant, Smithers.
+If you lose me, Sir, may I say what an honor it's been to...
+Bets don't talk. They see and raise.
+Well, if we're bettin' people, I got a whole herd of 'em. My professional basketball team -- the Austin Celtics!
+Well, they're hardly worth a Smithers, but we don't have all night. Can you beat nine high?
+Damn. Eight high.
+So, I own a basketball team, do I?
+Take good care of 'em, Burnsie. Don't let the forwards mix with the guards. And if they're actin' sluggish, slip some steroids into their cocaine.
+Fortune Four lotto numbers are: nine...
+Pfft! Knew it.
+Seven...
+Three...
+Bo-ring!
+Dad, we have to do something -- all the bees are dying!
+But Dad, bees pollinate flowers.
+Flowers -- the painted whores of the plant world.
+No bees means no honey...
+Synthetic honey. Just like you remember.
+Thank you.
+I never dreamed the future could be scary. Let's go, Lisa. We've got some worms to save!
+Worms, bees, ticks, fleas... let's go, go, go!
+I'm glad you called me. I know I'm not the first scientist in the phone book. That's Associate Professor Aaron Ableman, how I hate him.
+Thundering thorax, it's just exactly what I feared!
+...in there. Close. See these red dots? This bee has been felled by bee measles -- or as I call it, "beasles."
+Animals can get sick?!
+I'm going to talk to the girl from now on.
+You're the nerd.
+What we need to do now is find enough uninfected bees to start a healthy colony. This pheromone should attract them.
+Marry me and I'll support you for life.
+You're not a bee! This thing is useless!
+There's one on Lisa!
+Hold still, sweetie. Daddy will kill it. And this time no screw-ups.
+Stop! Stop! Stop! It's an uninfected queen!
+How do we catch her without hurting her?
+Unfortunately, the best method is to allow her to sting you...
+Yeah, much like that. Now squeeze around the stinger to keep her attached, and a colony of bees will soon form around your face.
+Now just keep them there until the colony is healthy and thriving.
+How long is that?
+Long enough that you will be known as Springfield's crazy bee girl. -- She likes the stingers.
+Marge, remember when we were talking about our worst fears?
+Uh-huh...
+And mine was snakes and yours was...
+Never being a grandmother?
+Really? I thought it was Lisa with a beard of bees. Well whatever, brace yourself.
+President Lincoln! You've come back, and you got rid of that hat -- you've got my vote!
+Lisa, I don't like this at all.
+It's not for long. But until they find a suitable habitat, this beard is the only hope for these bees.
+Relax, Mom. I'll mold them into a shape you know and love.
+Stop Milhousing your sister!
+Now take it off before they sting you!
+Actually, bees rarely sting when they're in a cluster. They only attack to defend their hive.
+I don't know. All it takes is one troubled loner.
+Please let me keep them for just a little longer.
+Okay. One night.
+So, let's see how my burly-bottomed ball-handlers are faring. Smithers, we're leading two to nothing! Run out the clock, boys. Run out the clock...
+Oh, yeah! Three points! Big three in the big D for the big C. Mark Cuban -- that's me!
+Who is that man, and why isn't his enthusiasm being punished?
+That's Mark Cuban, sir. He's the most flamboyant owner in the league.
+I'm out of my mind!!!
+How odd. His money seems to have bought him happiness.
+I'd like to meet him, Smithers!
+So, you made your money in Nuclear Power. I can't remember how I made my money!
+If you're really a billionaire, give me the secret billionaire's handshake. Smithers, turn away.
+So tell me, why don't you recoil from the public like a normal billionaire?
+Hey, why own a basketball team if you're not gonna have any fun?
+"Fun?" Is that how it's pronounced? I've only seen it written.
+Hold that thought... no one's paid attention to me for ten whole seconds.
+It's time for this peacock to show his feathers. You know, the feathers with the big eye that trick them into thinking that's my front? Said feathers are what I'll flaunt!
+Um Mom, maybe you shouldn't have put so much syrup on the pancakes.
+The secret is not to swallow the stingers.
+Dad, don't eat the bees!
+They're just drones, Lisa. They only live for like five minutes anyway. And they only have haploid cells, not diploid like me and Bart.
+Listen Lisa, I was trying to think of a way to help your bees and I remembered this abandoned greenhouse outside of town.
+Which used to be a beautiful, thriving greenhouse 'til I was hired to run it.
+Your bees will have plenty of room in this old greenhouse. Plus there are flowers, and it's near a prison so they'll have a place to sting people.
+Oh Mom, it's perfect!
+Go, live your lives, get off my face!
+Oh, I miss them.
+Now you know how I'll feel when you go to college.
+You'll always have Bart. Always.
+But he'll be gone a lot repairing refrigerators.
+Always.
+Sir, your escapades, while well-intentioned, seem to be driving away our fans.
+Ooh, another Grobanite!
+Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your new, fun-loving owner... you've seen him on the cover of the December nineteen forty-three issue of Collier's Magazine... Montgomery Burrrns!
+Silence! Now, let's make some noise for everyone's favorite basketball team, whom I have renamed the Springfield Excitement.
+I knew it!
+Now I would like to sing our National Anthem.
+MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE / AUSTRIA-HUNGARY...
+OBEY YOUR KING...
+What?! The Archduke is dead?
+And the empire's destroyed.
+Then what happened?
+World War I.
+Then what?
+World War II.
+Then what?
+The post-war period.
+Then what?
+The cold war.
+Then what?
+Then what?
+Then what?
+European Union.
+"A European Union?!" Good heavens!
+Ladies, hold onto your husbands! It's time for the saucy antics of Springfield's own Basket-belles.
+Enough of this vulgarity. Back to your brothel, harlots!
+Now, enjoy your game and the madcap antics of the free-wheeling title-holder of this asset: me!
+Sir... were those real bullets?
+Yes. Was that a real gorilla?
+We have to turn this business around! Time to think outside the boxeola... what would Mark Cuban do?
+I'm out of my mind!
+That's not much help.
+Build a new arena! State of the art!
+New arena...
+That's it, men! Pave and tar the way God intended!
+Mr. Burns, you can't do this!
+I can, I shall and in the future I will have done. I cannot be stopped!
+Kill his acorns and make him watch!
+First, one announcement: I regret to inform you we are not offering childcare tonight. I don't know who that guy was you were leaving your kids with. Now, without further ado... Let's get ready to referendum!
+There's only one place in town where the bees can survive. And Mr. Burns wants to tear it down. Please, people. You didn't listen to me about the snail darter, you didn't listen to me about the osprey, and you didn't listen to me about the javelina.
+The feisty pig of the desert?
+Apparently not feisty enough. Future generations will judge us by how we cared for the tiniest creatures. I am not just asking you to save the bees. I am asking you to save your souls.
+Excellent speech. Just excellent. I no longer wish to build my magnificent new basketball stadium.
+You don't?
+Heavens no!
+No skyboxes... no "kiss cam"...
+Nor will we have the chance to marvel at number one draft pick Muk Mu, the human North Pole.
+No, I'm afraid he'll be on the first kayak back to Ketchikan.
+Please, don't take our freak!
+I love you, Muk Mu!
+Muk Mu! Muk Mu!
+All those in favor of building this decadent monument to excess, say aye!
+I know it's not your fault, Muk Mu. You're a gentle, loving soul.
+Tuqurunga aghloonik.
+What's wrong with your bees, Lisa?
+Mr. Burns took away their sanctuary, and now they aren't strong enough to survive on their own.
+I'm going home. Give me the keys to my bike lock.
+Are you sure?
+Give me the keys!
+Okay, okay! Don't know why I had 'em in the first place.
+I'd do anything to cheer up my little girl.
+Really?
+Listen Homer, in the back room I got these super-tough Africanized bees. I saw this ad in a gentleman's magazine for excited African honeys, and that's what they sent me. If we could combine them with Lisa's bees, it would make them strong enough to survive any environment.
+Huh? But how are we supposed to combine the DNA of two strains of the same species?
+Actually Homer...
+You and me?
+No, the bees!
+Oh yeah, yeah, that's what I meant too. I have no... inclination...
+Got the queen?
+And she's ready for a night of anonymous sex with multiple partners.
+Now, let's give them some privacy while they... get down to buzziness.
+If they was me they'd be done by now.
+Wow, this must be important, Dad! I've never seen you walk up an incline before.
+Sweetie, I have a very special surprise for you.
+My bees?
+He's not a billionaire at all!
+Your bees died days ago. These are their angry, mutant descendants. And they're tough enough to live in any environment.
+They sound awfully mad. Are they dangerous?
+Hm, I'm not sure. Let me check.
+Are you guys dangerous?
+A simple "yes" would've sufficed.
+Don't worry, Lisa. Where else are they gonna go?
+To that new stadium that looks exactly like a hive!
+Welcome to the American dream: a billionaire using public funds to construct a private playground for the rich and powerful.
+And now, so our skybox owners can really enjoy the game, I shall let in the sky!
+Stop! I am one of you!
+We've been invaded by a swarm of killer bees! My microphone is no microphone at all -- it's bees! Am I being badly stung? Yesss! And it hurts!
+Our bullets are useless!
+Okay, they're useful on me.
+Oh, they've found a home.
+You've won this round. But when next we meet, the beekeeper will be the beekeepee!
+Help me, Muk Mu!
+...so that's how I was outfoxed by a little girl and her half-wit companion. When my beautiful stadium was declared a bee sanctuary, and I had to take a third-quarter writedown of eight hundred four million dollars.
+Wait a minute, someone crunch the numbers!
+He's only worth nine hundred ninety six million, thirty-six thousand dollars.
+Wait, wait, wait, it's only a matter of four million. I'm sure I can find that somewhere. I, uh, I have fifty dollars here in my wallet...
+Mark, can you get me off the hook -- for old times' sake?
+Can't do it, Monty.
+Aw, don't worry, you'll feel a lot more comfortable in the millionaires' camp.
+No! No! Just kill me now!
+Howdy do? I own a minor league hockey team.
+Why do we have to go to the rec center? I wanna play with my friends!
+When you're older, you'll miss these fun activities.
+You're older. Why don't you do these fun activities?
+Uh, 'cause no one's making me. Buh-bye.
+Welcome to Shaolin Kung Fu. Ten thousand years of knowledge will be passed along to those whose parents have signed a permission slip. The rest of you have just purchased very expensive pajamas.
+Namaste.
+Pardon me, master, but what does a big fat wad like you know about kung fu?
+Ah. Kung fu is not about physique, but the channeling of one's energy, or chi. If you doubt my skill, please, feel free to attack at my signal.
+My chi!
+Do we have any more paints? My orange isn't the orange of that orange.
+Just paint the damn fruit.
+Lower your expectations, Lisa. Public program, public program...
+Mm-hmm... Mm-hmm... Mmm-hm.
+Stop! Stop! Juliet, this is terrible! Your art is personal and wrong.
+I was painting with my heart. And if you look carefully, you can see that the knight is Josh Groban, our young century's greatest vocalist.
+Um, excuse me, but I think her painting is very imaginative.
+I suppose you'd like to teach this class?
+Yes, I would. Class, everyone please stop and admire Juliet's painting...
+I do not need this! My family owns a gas station. If you two thoughtful and creative girls don't like the way I teach, there's a world of fun outside.
+See ya!
+What are you staring at?! Everyone paint me twenty laps!
+C'mon, fatty. Keep up!
+So, how come I've never seen you around the Janet L. Muñoz-Robbins Rec Center before?
+My father just took a position at Springfield University. Are your parents academics?
+Kinda. Let's do some Groban.
+EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE UNDERSTOOD / WELL I CAN HEAR YOU
+EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LOVED / DON'T GIVE UP / BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED
+I need some candy for a first playdate, but I don't want to come on too strong.
+Well... if I pick plain she'll think I'm cheap, but if I pick peanut, she may have an allergy. You just killed her, Bart!
+How about Charleston Chew?
+What is this, Brooklyn in the fifties? Don't just say stuff.
+You ask for my help, then you don't want it.
+Excuse me, but why not consider an Almond Joy? It looks like you only brought something for yourself, but then you just happen to have two pieces.
+Finally, a real suggestion!
+If she doesn't like coconut, you're screwed!
+Hi, Juliet.
+So, what do you want to do?
+I don't know -- it's been so long since I've had a playdate. Not that I couldn't get one if I wanted...
+My parents bought me a membership card to the Folk Art Museum.
+Does it get you into special exhibits?
+On Wednesdays.
+That's today!
+Folk art!
+...So Lisa asked if her new friend could stay for dinner! She's finally doing something the book said she would!
+Won't last.
+Hey Mom, can Juliet sleep over?
+Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.
+We could be murderers.
+Could've been. If we hadn't had kids.
+Juliet's father is the world's foremost John Grisham scholar.
+He found several undiscovered plot twists in "The Client." And he proved that the real villain in "A Time to Kill" is the legal system itself.
+Toldja, Marge. Tol. Dja.
+Now we need a name for our imaginary kingdom -- I mean, queendom.
+How about... Equalia?
+Equalia. Where everyone is equal, but we're in charge. I mean, somebody has to be, right?
+Okay, you two. Lights out.
+Lisa? Do you want to be best friends?
+Gosh. This is all happening so fast. I don't know what to say.
+Say "yes" say "yes"!"
+I'd love to!
+Woo-hoo!
+Goodnight, Lisa.
+I have a best friend! You heard me say that, didn't you?
+We're still cool though, right?
+We are.
+My best friend is so cool!
+Mom, I'm meeting Juliet after school!
+Great! Here are a few "best friend" tips: compliment her hair and shoes. If her dog bites you, don't make a big deal out of it... and--
+Friendship is like marriage -- the key is listening. Also, if her dog bites you, don't make a big deal out of it.
+I just said that.
+Okay, honey. If it's that important to you, you said it.
+We're at the end of chapter four. But we need a grabber, a whammy, a snap-a-roo, some eye mustard... I've got it! How 'bout this? What if Queen Helvetica found a rare two-horned unicorn!
+A two-nicorn!
+I love your accent. Two-nicorn. You are definitely doing the book on tape.
+And Queens Valedictoria and Helvetica hid their beloved two-nicorn from the hungry ogre Homeroni.
+Girls are so lame. Isn't that right, headless Darth Vader?
+What's that? You miss your girlfriend... armless Malibu Stacey wrapped in hockey tape?
+Now remember, Juliet's family is very classy, so be on your best behavior.
+Use as many big words as possible. I call "computer." Bart, you can have "doorbell."
+Nice doorbell. Is it computerized?
+Hey! That was--
+We... I... You come up with an excuse!
+Homer, isn't it wonderful that my Juliet and your Lisa have become such fast friends?
+If you say so, M'lord.
+Dinner's ready!
+If you'll show me to your bathroom, I'd like to pretend to wash my hands.
+Ah, new friendship. So full of promise. Much like a young Mitch McDeere, in John Grisham's "The Firm"...
+Oooooo!
+When they make a movie from his books, does he get one, or two free tickets?
+It depends on the production company.
+He had much to be happy about. A brilliant mind and a solid body that did not gain weight and needed little sleep.
+Attention, everyone. Lisa and I would like to perform a medley of Josh Groban's twelve most popular downloads.
+Juliet, I'm worried this Josh Groban is becoming a bit of an obsession for you. Let's just listen to James Horner's soundtrack to "The Pelican Brief," shall we?
+Ah, track three, "Researching The Brief."
+I hate track three! I hate it, I hate it!
+I'll go get her!
+Hey, could you take a look at a lump on my back?
+I'm not that kind of doctor!
+Oh, I get it. Here's ten bucks.
+That's chewing gum.
+What a racket.
+Juliet? Are you okay?
+I am now. Don't you see them?
+See who?
+Our friends! The Lords and Ladies of Equalia!
+Juliet, you're scaring me just a little--
+Co-queens Helvetica and Valedictoria! We're so glad you're finally here.
+I'm a giraffapuss. I'm uncomfortable in water and on land.
+A two-nicorn!
+Toss me a treat!
+I didn't know I could do that.
+And now, hit "shuffle" on the royal myPod.
+These be mini-pizzas made from dragon eggs, your majesties.
+Mom, please don't do that.
+Who is this "mom" of which you speak?
+Mom, stop! This is our thing, not yours!
+I'm just trying to--
+It's better if you don't.
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we need to talk about Lisa. She's unfocused, scribbling nonsense, living in a world of her own.
+Well, that's Bart for ya.
+We're talking about Lisa, your daughter.
+Seems like you and I are always talking about Bart, my son.
+Lisa has been seeing an awful lot of her new friend.
+Ah yes, the one I've seen on Lisa's Facebook page.
+I search all the children's Facebook pages for unflattering references to me. By the way, I enjoyed the photos of your trip to Yosemite.
+Oh, that. We were actually just going out for brunch and I got lost. But don't worry, officer. We'll definitely have a talk with the boy.
+I can't see Juliet anymore?! I thought you wanted me to have a best friend.
+There are limits to how much two people should be together.
+Well, you can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
+I'm Bart Simpson's mother. You think you've got any tricks I haven't seen?
+Bart Simpson, age three.
+Bart Simpson, age ten.
+Juliet! What are you doing here?
+I'm running away and you're coming with me!
+I'd love to! Oh, but I'm supposed to attend the Model U.N. this weekend. I'm the delegate from Azerbaijan, and I'm threatening a rice tariff!
+Lisa, I know how important the model U.N.'s work is. But Equalia needs you. I need you.
+Okay... best friend.
+I remember when I was young and I ran off to a land of equality.
+Doctor William MacDougal.
+From now on you're Groundskeeper Willie. Next!
+This is where we'll live.
+How did you find this place?
+My family ate here last week. It really went downhill fast. But if you just believe, any place can be Equalia.
+Oh no! Clam-elot's is closed!
+I'm not surprised. Their clam chowder smelled like soap.
+I wonder if Lisa has threatened the Model U.N. with her rice tariff yet.
+I doubt it -- Friday is usually just committee assignments and procedural rules.
+Mrs. Simpson!
+Oh hiya, Martin! How's the Model U.N.?
+Total chaos! We're two minutes away from a roll-call vote on a non-binding resolution and no Azerbaijan!
+Are you saying Lisa's not there?
+To the extent you can trust the word of a Belgian, yes.
+Lisa ran away, and it's all my fault! If I'd just let her continue her obsessive relationship with that troubled little girl, everything would've been fine.
+If I know my sister, and unfortunately I do, she probably ran off to some lame-o make-believe castle.
+A "castle"... I know where they are!
+Is it some place I have to put on a tie?
+Is it a place I'd look overdressed if I did wear a tie?
+You probably would.
+What about a jacket and jeans with a nice tee shirt?
+Just go!
+You know what I think killed this place? No one wanted to drive to the middle of the forest for clams.
+Let's go get my little girl.
+Girls in our hideout?!
+Now they'll tell people where we go to stash our stolen peaches!
+And to wait out our bad haircuts!
+We'd better tie 'em up.
+This place is where we came after my bar mitzvah.
+You said you weren't having one.
+Uh... it was just family.
+All these pictures of seafood are making me hungry.
+We'll get some cream for the peaches while you guard the prisoners.
+Don't screw it up, butt-brain!
+At least my dad didn't smoke after his stroke!
+Juliet, I'm scared.
+Shut your eyes and you'll be in Equalia.
+Equalia is not real!
+Maybe not, but it's better than this.
+So the armies of the gnomes and the elves faced off on either side of the hollow, broad axes poised.
+With a fearsome cry they raced toward the center of the battlefield, banners aflutter in the breeze.
+What comes next?!
+A battle to determine the fate of Equalia. But you wouldn't be interested.
+I have a wide variety of interests. Is there them dragon things?
+Isn't that a little clichéd?
+Yes! I mean, yes -- there are dragons everywhere! Green ones, Chinese ones, chubby bald ones...
+I like those ones! Tell me about those!
+And so the queens--
+And the Me-Dragon...
+Danced the minuet of equality on a gossamer dewdrop.
+Awww...
+What's going on here?
+What's this?
+An ambitious first novel by the two brightest young writers this side of the Iowa Writers Workshop!
+Why should we, butt-brain?
+For Equalia!
+Well, it looks like we're safe.
+Looks like. Juliet, I don't want to go to Equalia anymore.
+What do you mean?
+It's a special place, but I need to live in the real world.
+The real world? The real world is for people who can't imagine anything better. Goodbye, Lisa.
+Goodbye, Juliet.
+Cu-ckoo!
+...we have received your manuscript 'The Chronicles of Equalia'...
+Sounds promising so far!
+"...unfortunately, it is not what we're looking for at this time. Thank you for thinking of us."
+Re-jected!
+You got a letter all the way from New York City, and that's something!
+And you know what else, sweetie? You and your friend Princess Nutjob inspired me to write my own fantasy novel, based on my experiences as a dad.
+Okay, chapter one... uh... uh... writing is hard.
+Ladies and gentlemen: Fallout boy!
+Today we induct the newest honoree to the Springfield Wall of Fame...who will take his place alongside such luminaries as Duffman, Poochie and the man who invented the "yield" sign -- Paul Yield.
+Now please welcome the newest inductee into the Springfield Wall Of Fame...
+Local businessman, Frequent Flyer Silver Card-holder, and legendary twenty-percent tipper...
+Springfield's own Vance Connor!
+You're better than us!
+Homer, that guy's your age?
+No, he's ten days younger.
+So you're saying he'll look like you in ten days?
+If he's lucky.
+The guy owns a few local businesses and everyone treats him like he's God. Well, God doesn't need his own special day!
+What about Sunday?
+Sunday's the Lord's day, boy. Not God's. Completely different guy.
+Your father's just jealous because Vance was our class president in high school.
+If I had won Class President, I'd be the one getting thrown up in the air right now.
+Dad, you ran for Class President?
+Yup -- back in high school, right before I met your mother. A simpler time when the only thing we worried about was total nuclear annihilation...
+So under my reign as Vice-President, we sent three mathletes to the state finals, all of the tenth-graders' lima beans germinated...
+Yeah, you should be proud! So if you want to build on that, vote for me, and you will all "Advance with... Vance"!
+And now I'm gonna throw it back to a guy who, in my opinion, is the classiest principal in the business. Principal Dondelinger!
+Ladies, I've seen him up close and yes, his eyes are that green. Our next candidate is Homer Simpson. Please hold your applause forever.
+I've never heard a speech so bad. Ten days detention!
+Anyone who votes for Vance gets a half-day tomorrow.
+Don't feel bad, Homie. I married you! And you're a million times better than-- here comes Vance!!!
+Thanks for coming out! Hey Gail -- ooo, I love your bangs!
+There they are, my favorite mixed-race couple!
+Guys that popular and confident are never truly happy.
+He looks happy.
+Tears of a clown.
+He's not crying and he's not known for clowning.
+Exception that proves the rule. If losers like me know one thing, it's that deep down, winners like him are miserable. Watch, I'll prove it.
+Angry nut coming through.
+Clear a path, boys.
+Hey, Vance?
+Hey, Homer Simpson! How you been?
+Great, thanks. Listen, settle a bet: behind that smile you're dying, right?
+Behind this smile is a bigger smile trying to get out. Oh. Oh here it comes! Oh yeah!
+Please! You've gotta have some secret agony! I bet those fancy shoes hurt your feet.
+No, actually they're like two leather clouds!
+Got 'em from a buddy of mine with a store in Shelbyville. You want his number?
+No. Yes.
+Hey, Homer, you wanna try my new Vance Connor-politan? Like Vance, it is smooth, cool and oh-so-sophisticated.
+I'll just stick with my beer.
+Homer, why are you so down on Vance Connor? He gave me one of his kidneys.
+Yeah, me too.
+Because when Vance beat me in that election, he ruined my life.
+Why did you just exchange that look of guilt?
+Oooooo!
+Lenny, uh, I think it's time for us to come clean.
+About how we give each other haircuts?
+No, we'll take that secret to our graves. I'm talkin' about uh , you know...
+Oh, right! Listen, Homer, somethin' weird happened back in high school...
+Teenage Carl and I were walking down the hallway when:
+You two! I want you to take this box and bury it in the woods. The true results of this election must never be known.
+Tell you what -- we'll do it under one condition: our parents want us to go to college, but with a bad enough recommendation from you, we can stay here and party.
+Okay, but screw this up, and it's Carnegie-Mellon University for the both of you!
+So there's a chance I actually won! I've got to dig up that ballot box!
+Just let it go, Homer.
+Al Gore?
+Homer, I had a presidential election stolen from me. But I moved on, and I think you could say everything worked out all right.
+Isn't that right, Alfred? It sure is, Albert.
+Ballots... stolen... real winner unknown... what is the truth?...
+I've gotta know.
+Lenny! Wake up!
+Finally, you returned my shovel.
+That's not why I'm here. Get dressed.
+California casual or business attire?
+California casual.
+There it is!
+The ballot box?!
+No, this is the box that tells us where the ballot box is.
+Right under this.
+What will this box reveal? And what will I use this box for afterwards? Mismatched nuts and bolts? Recipes? I may never know.
+Vance Connor...
+Homer Simpson...
+Woo-hoo!
+Vance Connor...
+Homer Simpson...
+Woo-hoo!
+Vance Connor...
+Homer Simpson.
+Woo hoo!
+Please stop doing that.
+, or woo hoo?
+Both. Homer Simpson... Vance Connor... Fonzie... Homer Simpson... and the winner is Homer Simpson!
+Yes! I'm Senior Class President! I get a parking spot if the Assistant Principal isn't using it!
+Wait a second. If I'd been Class President like I was supposed to, I'd be the one with the big mansion and the color TVs and the hot wife!
+Marge, I still would be married to you, but you would just be hotter.
+Dad, just because you won a high school election doesn't mean your whole life would have been better.
+That's exactly what it means. And Dondelinger took that life away from me. And the taking of a life is murder. And the punishment for murder is... well, it varies from state to state and by race... but I'm gonna find Dondelinger and tell him I know what he did last summer... twenty-two years ago... in the winter!
+That's the thing about you Assistant Principals. You can drive the ball, but you can't putt.
+Wait a minute! You're not in our foursome.
+No other foursome would have me. My legs gross people out.
+Dondelinger!
+Har har!
+Uh-oh. Looks like one of my former students on a quest for truth.
+Dondelinger! I should have been Class President, but you stole the election from me.
+I can explain. But... are you sure we should talk in front of your son?
+Yes! I want him to know that if your life doesn't turn out the way you want, there's someone else to blame.
+I already knew that, Dad. I'm gonna blame you.
+I respect your choice. Now drive back to the clubhouse and order me a Tom Collins.
+With a virgin Tom Collins for me?
+Virgin? What are you, a girl?
+Now, Dondelinger, I want some answers.
+Very well. It's a fact I didn't like you, Simpson. Still don't.
+You lie. You love me!
+Whatever complex emotions I feel, they're not why I did what I did. There was another reason...
+Homer Simpson. What a loser.
+Hey, what if we got everyone to vote for him, as a joke, and he won?
+Then we could laugh at him all the way through high school and at every reunion.
+Gooooo sports!
+So you see, I disposed of the ballot box to spare your feelings.
+Mm-hm... As Principal, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of.
+I would steal school chalk for my home chalkboard.
+But I'm not sorry I rigged that election. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to sit under that tree and think of all the women I could've talked to but didn't.
+The brown-haired girl gave me a look. The redhead in the park was reading a book. The girl at the airport upgraded my car. Tonight I wonder just where you are...
+Homie, you're barely eating.
+Yeah, I can actually see your hands. They're not just a blur.
+Very well. Now we must once more stare madly into the sauce.
+I don't feel much like eating. I'll never know what would've happened if I'd have been Class President.
+Oh, you could know. If you dared.
+Huh? Who said that?
+In the kitchen is a man from the old country who works for me. He stirs the sauce-a.
+They say if he stirs the sauce-a just-a right, he can also see what might have-a been.
+As a rational skeptic, I find that hard to believe. Also, as a vegetarian, I hope there's not meat in that sauce.
+Any other orders, Mussolini?
+No, that's it.
+Watch the sauce. You see what I see.
+I see a hair.
+You see too much.
+Now, watch the sauce of bubbling red and see the life you could have led.
+Yes. I like to stir.
+Your new Senior Class President is:
+Homer Simpson.
+Our President's a real loser!
+Yeah. A loser... like us! He proves you don't have to be popular to have everyone like you! Ho-mer! Ho-mer!
+Ho-mer! Ho-mer!
+Ho-mer! Ho-mer! Ho-mer!
+Ho-mer! Ho-mer! Ho-mer!
+I would've been a winner, instead of some idiot spending his Saturday night staring into a bowl of sauce. Why did fate do this to me?
+Ask-a the garlic bread.
+Why? Why?
+Hey everyone! The stupid fat man's talking to garlic bread!
+Come on, stir! I must see more!
+Homie, please, nothing good will come of this.
+Marge, unlike C.P.R., this is something I must know.
+Mr. President, we need a class song, a class motto and a class mascot.
+Mr. President, do you approve of the bailout of the French Club?
+Homer, do you have a date for the prom yet?
+Sorry, the only girl I could ever want is right over there...
+...Debbie Pinson.
+Hey, Debbie, um... Wanna go to prom with me?
+Well, I'm engaged to the quarterback... but, yes!
+Forget it, Marge. A girl like you could never land a Homer Simpson.
+Aha! So Dad's life would actually have been worse, because he wouldn't have gotten together with Mom, his one true love!
+Just keep watching the sauce, girlie.
+I got the biggest lapels, the ruffliest shirt, and the most beautiful...girl?!
+Thank you, Homer.
+Debbie, I forgot I have an English paper due on Monday. Would you read "To Kill A Mockingbird" for me and if you could write down how Boo Radley fits into the Southern Gothic tradition, that would be great.
+Nobody's ever asked me to use my head-brain before!
+Homer Simpson. Class President.
+Oh my God. He's talking to me.
+A lot of great things have happened to me lately, but they're nothing compared to meeting you. May I have this dance?
+Only if it lasts forever.
+Homer Simpson! I was gonna let you get to fifth base! It would've been something you told your grandchildren about!
+Sorry, Debbie. I hope you can find happiness without me.
+Who wants a cheerleader on the rebound?
+I do! Oh, right.
+I can hardly believe this is real.
+Marge, the way I feel about you is as real and lasting as my hairline.
+Who's that side of beef munchin' on our sister?
+I don't know, but in this reality, I am not gay! Hubba hubba!
+Sweet dreams.
+Young man, you have the noble bearing of the barbarian leader Vercingetorix
+Thank you, mysterious weirdo.
+Tell me, what student government office do you hold? Secretary? Treasurer? Dare I say Secretary-Treasurer?
+I'm Class President.
+Oh, hot dog! Say...how would you like to work for me?
+Sir, we could start him off in Sector 7-G.
+7-G?! Let the Lennys and the Carls of the world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber. Son, you'll be working in... Sector 6-F!
+So Dad's life would have been the same! He would have married Mom and worked for Mr. Burns. It would have been a push!
+Can you keep her quiet?
+Not even when she's snorkeling.
+I was describing beautiful fish, Bart!
+How you doin', Dad?
+Oh, I can't complain and I never do! Thanks for lettin' me live in your guest house.
+Honey, I'm home! Where are the kids?
+You used protection. We never had any!
+Well, that's what's missing. Our lives would be horrible without the kids.
+Uh, yes. That must be it. This is the best of all possible worlds. Blah, blah, blah.
+Slurp my snot.
+I wanna live in the sauce!
+If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce?
+Stupid-o!
+How long has he been there?
+I don't know, but he's algaefying.
+Homie, please come inside.
+Dad, we need to have a talk.
+Oh, I get it. You're all gonna try to convince me that my life is great just like it is, right?
+Are you kidding? We couldn't even convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman.
+Oh, come on! That millionaire playboy? He's too busy socializing at cocktail parties and managing the affairs of the Wayne foundation.
+Don't open this one again.
+Why does he think Alfred's friends with Batman?
+Just stop.
+Dad, we think the sauce had it all wrong.
+Oh, look who thinks he's smarter than sauce.
+Sweetheart, I think you'll feel better after we take a little walk...
+Oh, why would you bring me here?! It's like bringing Richard Nixon to the Watergate! Or Kevin Costner to Waterworld!
+Oh really?
+My own plaque! And one for Vice President Butthead! Cool.
+Is that why you brought me here, spirits?
+Yep. In the future, people will look at this and they'll say "whoever he was, he must've mattered."
+I guess that would be nice.
+Pardon me... can my son have his picture taken with you?
+Really? Sure.
+Dad, do you think I could be elected Class President?
+Well, we can't all be Homer Simpson, son.
+Thanks, guys.
+Hey, was there another plaque here before?
+Plaques come, plaques go.
+Now let's get something to eat.
+How 'bout Italian?
+God no!
+I hear there's a Korean barbeque place where the beef spells out the date of your death.
+Ooh, that sounds like fun!
+...three, two, one. Happy New Year!
+...of school!
+What are you doing?
+It's the first day of school!
+You're the government's problem now!
+Free at last! Free at last!
+I can't believe we have to start another year of school. I never learned anything at that suck shack.
+Who taught you that language?!
+Kid at school.
+So you did learn something.
+Oh Homie, the insurance bill is due today. Can you make sure to mail it?
+Absolutely. Insurance is the greatest deal ever. If I get hurt, I get paid. And man, do I get hurt.
+What a week.
+Welcome to another school year. One important note: the flower-based names of the reading groups are now barnyard-based. Mr. Becker has protested the move, so his group will remain the Daffodils.
+Yeah! Where my Dils at?!
+GO DI-ILS / GO DI-ILS / GO DI-ILS...
+I never tire of that. Uh, one other announcement, at the end of the month we'll be participating in the Vice-President's Assessment Test.
+He stinks!
+We're assessing you, not him.
+Withdrawn.
+I wrote "Slurp My Snot" in the ovals on the answer sheet. True story.
+The V.P.A.T. is part of the Federal Government's "No Child Left Alone Act." It'll be a rewarding day of pencil sharpening and eyes-on-your-own-paper-keeping...
+Cut the horse-bull, Seymour. Your scores on this test will determine how much money this suck shack gets for years to come, so we will spend every moment of the next two weeks drilling the questions and answers into your soft little skulls.
+"SHY" IS TO "GREGARIOUS"...
+AS "PEACEFUL" IS TO "BELLICOSE"...
+Okay children, the answers to the standardized test fall into twelve basic patterns.
+Repeat after me. Accaca-dabacca-accacaca.
+Accaca-dabacca-accacaca.
+Number two: Dacacca-adada-badacad.
+Dacacca-adada-badacad.
+Helena?
+Nine-hundred and twelve divided by six!
+You can't teach this way!
+Yes I can! Studies show it works!
+Where were these studies conducted?
+Ball State!
+So, when you take your practice test, take your number two pencil and...
+What kind of pencil do we take again?
+Number two. Take a number two.
+Looks like you took a big number two.
+Yes, quite so. As you can see, I'm holding a big number two in my hands, enjoying the weight and feel of it.
+Woo-hoo! Test day at last! Now I can show off at a Federal level. Hey Bart, on the practice test yesterday, what did you pick as the best title for the paragraph about "Manifest Destiny?"
+Dad, Bart's throwing away his future!
+Oh no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?
+Great jokes make me hungry. I wonder what's in the pantry...
+Wait a minute...
+Wait a minute...
+Bart, we need to talk to you about your practice test.
+I waaarned you.
+You got a perfect score!
+Wonderful job, son. Just stellar.
+How did I do?
+Ninety-six.
+What did I get wrong?
+Several answers.
+"Several?!" That's more than "a few" and almost "a bunch!"
+Bart, because of your superior intellect--
+No, but wait. I aced the Math part, right? Because...
+Yes, yes, well, well, run along now.
+Bart, you and the other perfect-scoring "Superstars" are exempt from taking the actual test today.
+No test?
+Now don't be too disappointed. We are throwing you a pizza party at a bowling alley.
+Well, it's about time.
+Come. Your helicopter awaits.
+Check it out -- Bart's a Superstar too!
+Bart's here! / Awesome!
+Wait a minute. This ain't no genius copter. This is con air!
+Take it away, Willie.
+Enjoy your flight!
+Brilliant plan to remove all the underperformers for test day, sir.
+You like all boys? Haw haw!
+Yes, all of them. Why Seymour, it seems I left my sunglasses on the bus.
+Well, I'd best retrieve them.
+Yes, yes, you'd best.
+So long, "superstars."
+I can't believe it. Superintendent Chalmers betrayed me. After all the wrapping paper I bought from his daughter.
+Pizza Party! Pizza Party!
+Heli-copter! Heli-copter!
+Stop it! All of you!
+What's the matter, superstar? Feeling sorry for the normals?
+Don't you get it? There is no pizza party. This isn't a helicopter.
+No pizza party?
+Not a helicopter?! Huh?
+Let me explain this to you in terms even the simplest will understand. We're hiding you in Capital City for the day so your numb-skullery won't drag down the test scores of the children who are our future.
+Told ya.
+Will there be other numbskulls there? Sort of a Numbskull Olympics, as it were?
+Let's all act stupid!
+Doy. Doy. Doy. Doy.
+Guys. Guys. Save it for the competition.
+I.D., please.
+Must be in the glove box.
+This was due two weeks ago! I'm not insured! For the first time in my life I'm financially responsible for my own actions!
+Uninsured! Uninsured!
+I'm not in good hands! I'm in no hands! Like a bad neighbor, no one is there!
+Dear. Stupid. Insurance. Company. I. Meant. To. Mail this. On time. What. Do You. Mean. Too bad? Screw. You! Heh. Heh.
+I won't be insured until three o'clock?! Okay, until then, I have to avoid any serious injuries or accidents on my property, or I'm ruined.
+Oh no you don't!
+Now, I know some of you may suffer from "test anxiety". Here's a helpful hint: imagine each question is a baby chick. If you answer wrong, the chick dies.
+Shut up, they would've died anyway! Now, the test will begin in five... four... three... Oh my God, we should've begun four minutes ago! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
+"Pride" is to "downfall" as "overconfidence" is to...
+They're all equally valid! But that can't be. In life everything only has one answer!
+Piece of cake, huh? Oh, I'm writing on my shirt.
+Hey Seymour, I just realized something. You're stuck babysitting us losers which makes you the real loser!
+For your information, I am not a loser! I'm a successful principal who paints houses in the summertime.
+Your dad insisted I use an inferior primer!
+Loser! Loser!
+Excuse me, Mommy, I have to go potty.
+Otto, can you pull over? Pull over!
+Sorry. I was mesmerized by the little boy's dance.
+YO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT...
+SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT, SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT...
+Ralph, are you almost finished?
+I finished before we came in!
+All right, now we can get back on the bus and on...
+All aboard!
+Hey Skinner, wanna see our impression of you?
+I guess I could use an affectionate homage.
+Doy. Doy. Doy. Doy.
+All right, stay calm, boys. Oh God! We're at the corner of Cesar Chavez Way and Martin Luther King Boulevard!
+Ay carumba.
+Homie! What are you doing home so early?
+Marge, I won't bore you with the truth. All I can say is that until three p.m., we must avoid all accidents and injuries or we're all going to the poor house.
+You mean back to the poor house?
+Fine. Back. And we can't let anyone else get hurt on our property.
+I don't want anyone to ever get hurt.
+Me too, baby. But we gotta get real.
+We can discuss it later. Right now, while you're here, you can help host my book club.
+Book club? That's the most stupid boring thing ever. Oh, thank you.
+Now I would never say a bad word about Cletus and Brandine, but I hear he's been feeding slop to another woman's pig.
+I've been cleaved!
+Oh my God! Oh my God! We're totally liable!
+Oh yeah.
+I mean, nooo!
+Lisa, like Captain Kirk, I'm not supposed to interfere. But like T.J. Hooker, I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer, just guess.
+This test penalizes guessing.
+It does? All right, nobody guess! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God and ask him -- no, demand -- he tell you the answer! And if he won't, he is no God of yours!
+What's your plan now, Skinrash?
+My name isn't Skinrash, it's Principal Skinner, and you will address me as such.
+Sure thing, Such.
+I'll deal with your insubordinate wordplay later. My first duty is to get you boys to safety and that's... where's Ralph?
+I'm playing with Elmo!
+Okay, I just have to keep these tipsy witches safe for ten more seconds.
+Van Johnson was never half the man Van Heflin was.
+Kniiiife!
+Got it!
+Apaches!
+Oh, Mr. Burns! Why do terrible things always happen to wonderful people at three-oh-one p.m., which, for the record, is the correct time.
+So, plans for the weekend?
+Marge, are you mad I forgot to send in the payment?
+No, sweetie. At this point in a marriage, a wife should know what her husband can do and what he can't. Who was I to think you could mail an envelope?
+Baby, I hope you've got snuggle insurance, 'cause I'm about to file a claim.
+Bart, do you have your slingshot?
+No, sir.
+I see it in your back pocket.
+Just don't stretch it out.
+I was once a boy. And like all boys...
+Shut up! A child is in danger under my aegis!
+Haw haw?
+Run, Ralph! Run!
+Time to do what I've never done as principal: something.
+Skinner's spazzing out!
+I am not spazzing out -- I'm using the principle of conservation of angular momentum to turn the container.
+That is so cool! That's the kind of stuff they should teach in school!
+We do teach it in school! You're too busy eating sugar snacks and horsing around!
+He's right. / Learning can teach you things. / Education rules!
+"...But I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of the rest, because Aunt Sally she's going to adopt me and civilize me, and I can't stand it. I been there before."
+That book was awesome!
+Next stop -- Springfield Elementary!
+Skinner! Otto! Me bullies! The Cowabunga Kid! And the wee nitwit! It's so good to see ya all!
+All done -- and I've got two minutes to take care of these stray marks.
+Well, that's it.
+The test is almost over and I haven't done a thing. I've blown my whole future.
+Oh well, maybe it'll be more fun to be a regular, average, stay-at-home...
+This test is a joke!
+Skinner?
+Today I received an education in how children really learn: by seeing their principal run around on top of a shipping container.
+So children, put down your answer sheet and drop that number two!
+As the worm said to the plate of spaghetti, "I... I...
+Yes, I know what that means -- I've learned so much today! This is my school and I'm throwing out the test!
+Hooray! I'm a brainy outcast again!
+And finally, effective immediately, I'm overturning this school's ban on dancing.
+OH MARDI GRAS / OH MARDI GRAS / YOU SEE A LOT OF BOO-BIES...
+Boy, where are my zydeco records?
+There's twelve more boxes. And they all sound the same!
+I know they do, but the Simpson Mardi Gras party has been a tradition since two days before you were born. And we spare no expense.
+What about my birthday party?
+This counts as that.
+Ladies, how're you doing with the float?
+Fine, but I wish you'd picked an easier theme than "Super-Jet Dinosaur Fun-Monkeys." What does that even mean?
+Homie... every year this party gets a little bigger. I'm afraid it's growing out of hand.
+Hey Homer, I have some distant relatives that I never see except for this party. Can I bring 'em to the party?
+No problem.
+Just so you know, some of them act like they hate America, but what they really hate are Americans.
+Marge, lighten up. Even Grampa's enjoying himself.
+I officially declare this private party in some guy's back yard open!
+It's my wife! Everyone, pretend this is a trade seminar in Zurich.
+Can't talk now, dear. It's four in the morning here in Zurich.
+Oh, right. We came together.
+Ha, ha! Eat my food! Drink up my drink! Put your coat on my daughter's bed! I command you!
+Your majesty... did you remember to invite Ned Flanders?
+Fine. I'll invite him. But he has to wear the outfit I choose.
+Hey, Flanders. Listen, uh... we're having a party...
+I noticed.
+So, anyway, if you're not doing anything, and it looks like you are, you're welcome to stop by, or not.
+Well, Homer, maybe I could use a break from the ol' Weed 'N' Feed.
+Man, you really are into me, huh?
+What are you, some kind of talking dog?
+Eh, sure.
+Three... two... one... it's Ash Wednesday everybody! Set down your gins and confess your sins!
+Homer, I always wonder, how can you afford this party year after year?
+Because I have this magical thing called a Home Equity loan. I borrow all the money I want, and the house gets stuck with the bill. Sucker.
+Huh. I'm not sure that's how it works.
+Fine, Mr. Skeptical. Give me back your beads.
+But, but, but...
+Beads, please.
+Homie, do you know anything about this?
+Marge, don't worry. It's like when we stopped paying the phone bill. They stopped calling us. In fact, everyone did!
+I think we should go see our mortgage broker.
+Oh man. Who'd think the first day of Lent would be such a bummer?
+Let's see here, uh... balloon payment... thirty-seven percent interest compounded every minute... not-understanding-the-contract-fee... here's your new monthly payment!
+That number's so big it has a comma!
+Oh, wait. I left out a zero.
+Listen, you! When you gave me that money, you said I wouldn't have to repay it till the future! This isn't the future! It's the lousy, stinking now!
+Now, calm down. This country takes care of its middle class.
+Don't be sore at the banks. Hell, we fired our C.E.O., and he barely got out with fifty million dollars!
+That poor man. Is he okay?
+As okay as you can be in the North of France. Now, here's a free tip from me: learn to make soup from rocks and grass.
+And what will I cook that soup on?
+Come on, Marge -- you've got the sun, you've got hobo fires... I can't do all the work for yA!
+I worked so hard to make this house into a home. And now somebody else is just going to take it.
+Marge, I'm so sorry.
+Why are you here? You already own a home.
+Hey, our au pair has to live somewhere.
+This crap shack makes your guest room look like winter palace.
+I know, I know. But Bernice wants you out.
+Don't worry honey, we'll come out ahead. I ripped all the copper wire out of the walls.
+Did you remember to disconnect it first?
+Did I what now?
+I know I shouldn't get too attached to a building, but... that's where Lisa took her first step... the kids' height...Homer's weight...
+This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.
+She is. Look.
+Goodbye.
+For sale: 742 Evergreen Terrace, detached single-family dwelling. Now, who'll start me off?
+Anybody ever get murdered in this house?
+Thank you for your time.
+One hundred thousand dollars.
+Sir, what exactly do you plan to do with this place?
+I need a place to store my cufflinks.
+Let's go, kids. I can't watch any more.
+I have one hundred thousand. Going once...going twice...
+One hundred and one thousand!
+Pass. I've already lifted this thing once today. I'm not Hercules!
+Sold! Okay folks, hand in your paddles. Round ends together, please. Round ends-- What is this, randomly tossing in your paddle day?
+Ned! You bought our house? Why?
+So I can rent it back to you. Just pay what you can till you get back on your feet.
+Ned Flanders, I can't believe what you doodily-did for us.
+Well sir, as the ocean said to the dirt, I appreciate the sediment.
+And on the zillionth day, God created hugs.
+And it was gooood.
+Come on, kids! Let's take our stuff back inside.
+Uh, uh, uh, uh, better let me go first. I left a little uh "surprise" upstairs for the new owner.
+FOR HE'S A FABULOUS FLANDERS, WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY!
+HE SAVED OUR ASS!
+Okay, everyone squeeze in.
+Evil triumphs again.
+Homie, the faucet won't stop leaking.
+No problem. Just let Sir Fix-a-lot slay this chore.
+Next problem.
+Say Homer, why don't you let me take a peek at that leak?
+Ned please, you're our guest.
+Well, actually... as your landlord, repairs are my responsibility. I'll just get my tools...
+Try 'er now, Marge.
+Oooh, hot comes out of hot... it's like I'm dreaming! Thank you, Ned.
+Well, I guess I'd better be...
+Um... Do you have time to look at a few other leaks, faulty wires and dangerous mold conditions?
+Well, as you are my tenants, I'll see what I can do.
+Well, let's see what else is in the job jar.
+It's so beautiful. No two are exactly alike. Though many of them are very similar.
+I'm back, baby!
+It's irresistible. You ask him to do something and he does it. He's like a
+When I was putting new insulation in your attic, I slipped on this lamp and really banged my head.
+So, unless you have anything else for me...
+No, no. I'm just happy I can finally serve this cake.
+Our House is Up to code.
+Ned! I think we have a gas leak!
+Well, I'm sorry, I just had my glass of warm milk which means I am closed for business!
+He won't come over!
+He what?! Flanders, landlords like you are the scum of the earth! You lounge around in your Egg MacMansions and we never see you unless the rent check's late!
+The rent check is late.
+Some friend you are. The minute you become our landlord, you expect us to pay rent. You'd better just pray I don't find out where you live!
+Bart! Don't forget to turn the chicken!
+People like Flanders make me sick. If I was Marge's landlord I'd fix her pipes and I'd shower her with flowers and-and take her on a romantic getaway to the South Seas and I... I'd never return.
+Yeah, you'd treat her right.
+Well, here's how you get back at Flanders: you go to the media and get them to expose what a horrible person he really is.
+Oh, right -- like "Dateline" did to you!
+Yeah, three times. The last one was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.
+This is Kent Brockman with a Channel 6 exclusive: The Evil Ned.
+Seven forty-two Evergreen Terrace. A tiny slice of suburban heaven. But like dating an actress, what seemed like heaven soon turned to hell.
+We live in a house that is trying to kill us.
+Hey, Dad.
+Who is this "Dad" you speak of, Lisa Simpson?
+You want a cookie, Dad?
+...Squeaky stair here... scary portrait there...
+Poltergeist in the closet...
+I died when Homer sat on me!
+Why you little...
+I'm the victim here!
+So, who is responsible for these outrages? The man whose side of the story we didn't even bother to get: Ned Flanders.
+The worst person who ever lived!
+Let's see what else is on.
+Oh, this is good.
+Homer Simpson, I took pity on you, and what do I get in return? A kick in the kadiddlehopper!
+Kadiddlehopper.
+It's not funny! That's how I swear!
+Fine. You're mad. What are you gonna do about it?
+When the month is up, I want you out!
+Fine. I'll get another neighbor to buy the house and let us live in it!
+We won't do it!
+Your leaving is our Christmas!
+Flanders, you wouldn't throw us out on Christmas, would you?
+Wha? Who's that?
+It is me, Jesus!
+I have come from my workshop in the North Pole to say: don't evict the Simpsons!
+Uh, say, "Jesus," what was the name of the son of Zachariah?
+It was... um... do you have a computer nearby?
+He's nailing something to our door.
+Hm, I wonder if it's theses.
+Ew, that's gross.
+Homie, I think it's an eviction notice. We're gonna be homeless, like Lucille Ball in "The Stone Pillow"!
+Don't worry, Marge.
+According to this chapter book, we have a secret weapon: "Evictee will be granted a stay of eviction if said household includes a resident aged sixty-five or over." Finally, a practical use for my father.
+Wheee! I'm gonna live like a human in a real house!
+What's the catch?
+I'm using you!
+For what?
+My own devices!
+All right!
+Tell the world what you saw here!
+I'm gonna miss putting makeup on him while he sleeps.
+I've already moved on.
+Hey, Flanders. You can't evict us because a senior's living here now.
+You're never too old to ruin things for the young!
+Will you kids knock it off? I'm trying to watch badminton!
+Dad, we've been trapped in the house for days. Can't we play outside?
+Yeah, without the sun, my hair's reverting to its natural red.
+I don't want to be called "Rusty" again! I don't!
+You know, it says here that Grampa has to remain in the house, but we don't. How about a family outing?
+Family outing? I'll start -- Lisa's gay!
+Right, 'cause I wouldn't want to be gay like my heroes Billie Jean King, Susan Sontag, Sappho of Lesbos, and, I suspect, Peppermint Patty...
+Well, I guess we can take a quick walk. We'll keep Grampa occupied with this DVD of Dwight Eisenhower talking about golf.
+Now when I've got a downhill lie, I like to swing wide -- just like Patton did when he swung past Kesselring's boys in the Ardennes forest. Let's watch.
+This is what I call livin' in the past!
+So, after I paid for the ice cream cones, I said "thank you" and was on my way.
+We know, Dad. We were there.
+I know it seems that way, because I'm such a vivid storyteller. Now here's another story called "Bart's Mistake." We were walking home when
+How could this have happened?
+Because your father lives with me now.
+Flanders feeds me people food!
+Well, I can't compete with that!
+Oh my God. We're out on the street!
+Honey, don't cry. It could be worse -- at least it's not raining!
+See, I told you, it's not raining. So we're just homeless.
+Kids, if you get lost, remember where we are: seventy-five beds from that wall, and a hundred beds from the crazy guy.
+I hate this place -- the clothes they gave us are the clothes we gave to charity last year.
+There's a lesson here: life is fickle. You should appreciate every... stop kicking, Bart!
+But kicking is the only toy I have.
+That's not true. You have bug bites you can scratch.
+This is the lowest we've sunk.
+That's the answer: pawn to king's bishop four!
+You two are the kind of tenants every landlord dreams of: excellent credit, Christian but not Baptist, and let's see: according to your application you only have sex for procreation.
+If that!
+Well now, I'll just put my John Hancock on the doc, and you can give me the key to the lock!
+My ballpoint is all clicked-up for you.
+Oh, no, thanks. Don't believe in borrowing things from my neighbor.
+Lord, you said love thy neighbor, but you didn't have to make it so easy.
+Whatcha got there, Woofy Goldberg?
+Who's this?
+Oh, that's just a family... who used to... make my life, uh... interesting.
+I'll just add my initials, there...
+FOR HE'S A FABULOUS FLANDERS...
+There...
+WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY!
+Ooh, and there. Exciting!
+Folks...
+Aaaand... leased.
+I'm afraid you can't live here.
+Roger dodger. Back in the car, Nance.
+Yay! But why?
+Well, the people who lived here before, um, weren't always the best neighbors. But I love 'em. And, uh, you can't be a saint unless you live among the lepers. Hope you don't mind.
+And I hope you won't mind when we sue.
+I think you should. The court papers will be a great way to stay in touch.
+Well, hasn't this been a peach of a breach! We'll see you in court.
+Oh, Flanders, I promise I'll never abuse our friendship again.
+It's okay if you backslide a little.
+Never! Hooray for Stupid Flanders!
+The Simpsons are back!
+I really hate this neighborhood.
+Yeah, right! And I'm married to Wonder Woman!
+For centuries, man has been ruled by science and industry. But that era is drawing to a close.
+We stand on the cusp of a new epoch: one of prophecy, puzzles and signs in the sky.
+And that epoch begins today!
+Our top story: today, Springfield will experience a rare total eclipse of the sun.
+A solar eclipse is like a woman breast-feeding at a restaurant: it's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it. We recommend using a homemade "camera obscura," fashioned from an ordinary shoebox and paper-towel tube...
+This was supposed to be pre-made! Fine, I'll do it myself!
+Where's the end of the frickin' tape?! Forget it -- we'll do it next week.
+The eclipse is today!
+There's an eclipse when I say there's an eclipse!
+Okay, people, we've hit penumbra. Brace yourself for umbra.
+I'm gonna see it first!
+No, I'm gonna see it first!
+Hit the road, ya big load!
+My space toy!
+It's okay, Homie -- you can have my viewer.
+But Mom, you'll miss the eclipse.
+There'll be another one in North Yemen in 2027.
+We have totality, people!
+We'll be talking about this together for years!
+For years... for years...
+I finally feel like part of a family!
+I can't miss out! Just one little peek.
+It's beautiful!
+Now Marge, your eyes must stay completely covered for two full weeks.
+Don't worry, honey, I'll be your "seeing-eye Homer." We're in some kind of doctor room, bunch of stuff on the walls... it's kind of hard to describe... Um, I'm gonna take my break now.
+Now Simpsons, I must warn you -- any stress could increase the blood pressure in Marge's eyeballs, leading to what we call "Tex Avery Syndrome."
+Wolves are taking all our women.
+You guys have treated me like a princess. Every day's been like the first ten minutes of Mother's Day!
+You just rest those rods and coddle those cones -- everything's taken care of.
+Dad! Come in the kitchen! Quick!
+Is there any other way to enter a kitchen?
+Aw, rats in the kitchen. Just like that delightful movie I taped in the theater.
+Ooh, he's controlling me with my hair, using me to cook a delicious sole meuniere with a celery root puree and carrots Vichy.
+Hmmm, this is good.
+Good, but not great. I'll go get some rat poison.
+Here you go. This'll kill those dirty rats. And the clean ones, too.
+Oh, that's not candy, sweetheart. What is it with kids and candy-colored poison, huh?
+No, you stupid dog -- that's Maggie's bunny!
+Not in front of the poison man!
+Whoever's biting me, stop it!
+Why did I bring the baby and the dog to the poison store?
+How am I gonna get us all across this river?
+A boat!
+Oh, we're too heavy.
+Let's see: I need to get the baby, the dog, and the poison across the river, but I can only take one thing at a time. I can't leave the baby alone with the poison, and I can't leave the dog alone with the baby.
+Can't someone help me with this puzzle?
+Professor Frink! Help me figure this out!
+Yo! Over here!
+Great time to nap, Einstein!
+Okay, Maggie, dog, poison, you're all involved, so listen up. First I row Maggie over, leaving the dog and the poison. Then I row back alone, take the poison over and bring Maggie back. Then I take the dog over, come back, get Maggie, row across, and before I know it, I'm back at home!
+Were you listening at all?
+Sir, I'd be obliged to you if you'd help me puzzle out my fox, duck and corn situation.
+Well, the puzzle done puzzled itself out.
+Now, I need to leave you where you'll be safe...under the watchful eyes of God. And I'll be watching you too, in case God's busy making tornadoes or not existing.
+I see you! I see you!
+I see--
+Look at that -- one of God's discarded miracles.
+Catholics!
+Give me my baby back!
+Sir, our mission is quite clear.
+Any child left here will be cared for by the Sisters of St. Teresa. Why would you leave such a beautiful baby on our doorstep?
+'Cause she was fighting my dog and stealing my poison. Now give her back so I can take her home to my rat-infested house!
+No. The poor dear is right where she belongs. God help you, sir!
+Come on, lady, have a heart. I screwed up! I'm sure your husband does stupid things sometimes!
+I'm married to Jesus!
+Kids, I have to tell your Mom I lost Maggie.
+But Dr. Hibbert said not to stress her out.
+Wait, I have an idea! One of us can go undercover as a nun and infiltrate the convent.
+Oh no, oh no, ohhh no. There is no way Homer Simpson's gonna put on a dress and act like a nun.
+Told you there was no way I would do it.
+Are you sure you don't want me to do it? 'Cause I can do it. I got the outfit right here.
+Dad, leave -- so I can get into character.
+Hello. I'm a poor little sinner who's lost her way. May I join your order?
+How do you feel about kneeling?
+Can't get enough.
+You're in.
+Finally, you must wear your habit modestly at all times -- not like Sister Marilyn.
+IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT / THAT'S A SIN...
+IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT / THAT'S A SIN...
+Where's Maggie?
+Mother Superior, are those all the babies in our orphanage?
+Lookin' for more unwanted babies, are ya? Well, next week's nine months after the prom. They'll be stacked up to the ceiling.
+No, I was just thinking you might have some in the back you haven't put out yet.
+Oh, a Doubting Thomas, are ya?
+Well, more of a curious George.
+Well, little monkey, it's time for you to spend some time with the man in the yellow hat.
+Why would Mother Superior lie to me about not having Maggie? What is going on?
+A jewel! Why would nuns want a jewel?
+Find the jewel, find what you desire.
+The jewel will lead me to my baby sister? Why are you telling me this?
+Goodnight, Bart.
+Because I'm sick of that Mother Superior. Whenever we play football, she has to be quarterback.
+Now, you must solve a series of clues.
+You mean an increasingly difficult series of challenges to my intellect? That's so cool.
+Plus, you find your sister.
+Oh sure.
+Your first clue.
+And before you decide to become a nun, consider this: I am only twenty-three!
+"Quaerite Deum in corde et anima." That's Latin... "Deum" is God... and of course "Quaerite" means "seek"... "Seek God with heart and soul."
+"Heart and Soul"...
+I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU / HEART AND SOUL...
+Homie, I haven't held Maggie all day. Can you hand her to me?
+Um... No problem, sweetie.
+Ooo, mommy's little baby is getting big and chubby! Who's a chubby baby?
+But that doesn't mean that you can't have a little dinner.
+Hm. You're not usually this greedy.
+Cool it -- she's getting suspicious.
+You cool it -- I'm hungry!
+A cryptic message! Maybe this will lead me to the gem!
+Hmm, what if I read every other word? "One more time, you're hopeless. Try again, numb skull." That's not very nice -- I will try again, but not because the wall told me to. "Turn around. Seek Springfield's biggest man-made ring."
+Big ring... big ring...
+So many rings! But which one is the key to finding the gem?
+Well? Did you get it?
+No. I'm not a smart nerd, I'm just a weak nerd.
+The biggest ring in Springfield...comes from the bell in the Springfield Bell Tower!
+I'll be right in, Lisa!
+Good night, Lisa. Good ni-ight!
+Oooo, jazz!
+Keep going and I'll scat.
+Skee-biddy-bob-boo! Dot-doobiddy-dum-doo!
+Ha! Principal Skinner? Comic Book Guy? What are you doing here?
+Following you. We seek the gem of Saint Teresa.
+Oh. Well, I seek it so I can find my sister. How do you know about the gem?
+We are an ancient order of mystery buffs, who hide in shadow, and call ourselves... "The Brethren of the Quest."
+Because we do our sleuthing in Mother's Nissan Quest Minivan.
+Tell me all you know about the gem.
+Does your mother know you're using her minivan?
+You see, legend has it that on her deathbed, Saint Teresa of Avila had a vision of a jewel that would usher in an era of peace and harmony...
+She dispatched a team of nuns to the New World to seek this fabulous gem...
+They landed at what is now Philadelphia...and used the timbers of their ship to construct a convent.
+The order flourished, never forgetting its sacred mission. But word about the gem got out...and a group of high-ranking Freemasons, led by Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, and King George the Third, staged a phony war of "independence" to cover their search for the gem.
+Fleeing the violence, the nuns of Saint Teresa's left the colonies and settled here in Springfield.
+Legend, and Wikipedia, have it that the gem will be revealed during the first full moon after a solar eclipse.
+That's tonight!
+Adoy. One question remains: why did you come here?
+Because I cleverly deduced the answer to Springfield's biggest ring. Voila!
+Well, it gives me no pleasure to say... your deduction was faulty.
+This is a fake papier-mâché bell. The real bell was melted down in World War Two to make civil war chess sets. Four of which I own.
+Oh my God. I know what the biggest "ring" in "Springfield" is. It's been right in front of us the whole time.
+Ah, yes, I see it!
+I see it too. Let's, uh, head that way. We'll walk, or drive, to... the obvious solution.
+Oh, the word "ring!"
+Well, well. If it isn't the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
+Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
+Oh, I've known about the gem for years. You see, my dear girl, I joined the Freemasons before it was trendy. That's my eyeball on the dollar bill.
+That's also my pyramid.
+Hence I trailed you on your quest, accompanied by my faithful albino.
+I keep telling you, I'm not an albino. I just use a lot of sun-block.
+Then why do I give you all the albino holidays off? Hm? Hm?
+Look -- there's writing on the "R!"
+Oh, everything is "writing" to you young people!
+From this angle they're words!
+"Great"...
+"Crimes"... "Kill" "Holy"... "Sage"...
+"Great crimes kill holy sage?" The puzzle is solved! We must warn the holy sage at once!
+No, that's not it! A secret message this awkwardly-worded is always an anagram.
+Fine. Then you unscramble those letters to spell out the location of the gem... while you two dig your own graves.
+Superman, I have believed in you for years. If you can hear me now, please come help me dig this giant grave.
+So, the anagram spells: "Regally, the rock gem is..."
+...Lisa?
+So the gem is inside you?
+Sir, stop! She is the gem!
+Of course. St. Teresa wouldn't be interested in a mere bauble. Her greatest treasure would be a pure young girl. You are pure, aren't you?
+Does kissing Milhouse count?
+It all adds up. I am the gem that will bring world peace! How brilliant of God to remove my skepticism by making me his chosen one!
+According to legend, the gem must be brought to the convent by sunrise.
+We could make it if we took Mr. Burns's helicopter.
+Hmm... I don't really want you people inside, but you could dangle from the skids.
+Feels good to help someone, doesn't it, sir?
+No. It feels weird.
+Look who's here!
+Oh, fine, fine, finish your song. I can be patient -- after all, I am the gem child.
+Hush, you foolish girl! The gem is over there!
+Maggie?
+No, no, no -- the solution was "Regally the rock gem is Lisa".
+Oh, please. How many sentences start with the word "Regally"?
+Um... this one?
+Oh, give me that!
+It's really Maggie, Sherlock. You know, I have to point out that this anagram only works if I get the wrong answer first.
+I said hush!
+Now begins a new era of peace and prosperity for Springfield.
+Aw, aw.
+C'mon man, that's the fifth call you missed today!
+That's it! You're outta--
+Just set it to "massage."
+Something tells me the Gem of St. Teresa's been returned to its throne.
+Maggie -- it's true! You are the Gem Child!
+Four centuries of patient sacrifice has finally paid off. All is peace and harmony.
+Give me my baby back!
+Mom! How did you know Maggie was here?
+A mother knows!
+Maggie, you're coming home with me!
+Mom, wait! Maggie is the gem child! She's brought peace to our town! And reports of less road rage in Shelbyville! She has to stay here!
+Well, it would be nice if the first thing I saw was a world at peace...
+You're even more beautiful than I remembered.
+I'm sorry. But I know God would never ask a mother to sacrifice her child for the good of the world... again.
+Maybe I'm just being selfish. I don't know.
+No, Marge. You're the most giving person I know. Besides, i gave them another gem child to sit on their precious throne.
+Step aside, ladies -- I'm bringin' the peace!
+I am so staying up past my bedtime.
+A Home and Garden Show?!
+Mom, you said we were going to a videogame expo!
+You told me we were gonna pick up trash by the freeway!
+You told me something, but I wasn't listening!
+I'm sorry for fibbing. Tell you what -- if you don't like it, you can complain all the way home.
+Fair enough! Kids, let's practice.
+Mi-mi-mi-miiiii!
+Well that sucked! / There's a day we'll never get back! / I was so bored.
+That was good, but Lisa, you're still complaining from your throat, not your diaphragm.
+I was so bored!
+Ooh, look! A welcome mat that tells you your weight!
+Your weight is: Warranty voided.
+Oh my God. Look over there!
+The Sprinkle King, Sprinkle Queen, and Deluxe Sprinkle King are the Simon and Garfunkel plus one of hose-nozzle dispersal arrays. Observe.
+Classic hose-play.
+What is that soothing sound?
+Maybe it's beef stew!
+Hot tubs!
+Guys, what's it like?
+Getting a back rub from an orgasm.
+I want to buy your fanciest hot tub!
+Oh, you mean the "YouSoup 5000."
+Please, can I get it, Marge? Please? Please?
+I can have all my birthday parties in it!
+I'll be less stressed! And I'm really freakin' stressed!
+If I'm more relaxed I'll be a better mom! Can we? Can we?
+Wait a minute, who am I pleading with?
+Beats me. / I'unno. / Please, please, please!
+Now I know why lobsters let out that joyful squeal when they're dropped in the pot.
+Uh-oh. We're starting to attract swingers.
+/ Oh yeah! / All right! / Yes!
+I'm on it.
+Go back to your day spas!
+Maybe we should get out now.
+Interesting proposal. Now with an opposing point of view: bubbles.
+Hey, cool your jets! We're trying to get to sleep!
+Hey, Flanders! Why don't you join us? Afraid you'll get your moustache wet?
+Well, yes.
+Come on, man. Baptize your buns!
+Iddily-iddily-iddily-iddily-iddily-iddily-iddily...
+I feel like we're forgetting something.
+Hm. There was a note on the fridge marked "urgent." Funny word: "urgent." "Urrrgent." Urgent.
+One of us should go look at it.
+Hmm. Probably a reminder to relax more.
+Oh yeah. / That's it.
+I'm sorry Abe, we just can't wait for your family any longer.
+But they're coming -- my son even put a note on his refrigerator! Please wait!
+I'm afraid it's too late. On your mark... get set...
+They're blanks, Abe.
+Hey, what happened to the bubbles?
+You good-for-nothing jellyfish! While you were lyin' here soakin' like a buncha dirty dishes, I was lonelier than Estes Kefauver at a meeting of "Murder, Incorporated."
+That actually makes sense! Look it up!
+Sorry we missed your special day, Grampa. We'll definitely go next year.
+The thing is, I ain't got much life left to live. And a wasted day like today is one I know I'll never get back.
+Oh Dad, I never knew you had dreams, or emotions.
+We'll make it up to you. We'll do something you've always wanted to do but never got the chance.
+Well, there are a few things I was hopin' to do before I become dust in a jar.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, who said anything about a jar?
+Anyway, I made a list.
+Okay... "Pitch in the Negro Leagues," I can think of at least two problems with that... can't read that one, my thumb's over it...
+"Have one more beer at O'Flanagan's Pub..." We'll do that one!
+This place is in Ireland?!
+That's right. Now let's make our reservations.
+Lousy old man -- makin' me look up at an airplane!
+Welcome to Ireland. Also known as the Emerald Isle, Potatoville, East Boston, Freckle Bog, The Land of Poetry, and The Land of Bad Poetry.
+...And on your left you'll see Western Ireland. On your right you'll see Kathy Ireland.
+Hi everyone!
+I'm finally back. The days I spent at O'Flanagan's Pub were the happiest ones of my life...
+OH, WE DRINK ALL DAY, WE'RE FULL OF GUILT...
+WE KNOW WE'RE NOT SCOTS 'CAUSE WE DON'T WEAR A KILT...
+WE TOSS OUR DARTS WITH A BEER IN OUR HAND.
+WE BOIL OUR FOOD TILL IT TASTES REALLY BLAND
+THIS IS THE LIFE IN IRE-LAND! IRELAND!
+OH, THIS IS THE LIFE IN IRE-LAND.
+Dunkilderry is so quaint! It looks like the puzzle at the pediatrician's office.
+Get ready to step back to a simpler age, filled with tweed caps, cheerful sheep and unending troubles.
+What the?! Upscale boutiques?
+Yup-rechauns?!
+/ Plasma screen TV / / Summer in Tuscany.
+Well, Ireland is at the forefront of Europe's tech boom.
+In your face, Belgium!
+Bart, if you hate Belgium so much, maybe I should take your Tintins away!
+No, I'll be good!
+But my favorite pub is still there.
+This isn't the way I remember it! Where's the customers? Where's the singing? Where's twenty-year-old me?!
+Run! Run, ya big sack o' glue!
+Tom O'Flanagan?
+Quiet! They're in the home stretch! Come on. Come on! Move your fetlocks! Dammit! Will ye ever win this race?
+This broadcast is from 1979.
+Yes. I'm just an old man yellin' at me tapes.
+Oh, I've got lots of time for that now -- no one comes into me bar anymore. It's been years since I've sold so much as a pint.
+Don't you mean "pint"?
+It's been so long I've forgotten how to say it! It's a joke to even call this place a pube.
+What happened, Tom?
+Everyone got jobs, that's what happened.
+Sir, I brought my father thousands of miles just to drink at your bar.
+D'ye mean it? Look, don't toy with an old man's heart, now.
+Gimme a beer and a shot of whiskey!
+I'll have one drink, one cocktail and one booze, please.
+While your father and your grandfather have a drink we're going to see sights.
+Hey, I just spent ten hours on a plane. I'm stayin' here. They've got German "Krusty" on TV!
+Heil-heil!
+Ach du lieber! Krusty spritzen der gas wasser!
+Ja ja! Krusty spritzen der gas wasser!
+Such a beautiful language.
+That's not how a family vacation works. We do things together while your father has fun without us.
+All right, Tom. Pour me a drink.
+We have this delicious Australian Shiraz...
+An Irish drink!
+I'm gonna carve me initials in it.
+Oh, foine. Here's some Bushmill's whiskey served in a potato, floatin' in a Guinness stout.
+I said an Irish drink!
+That's better!
+The Giant's Causeway is the result of a volcanic eruption. Well kids, isn't that an informational fact? Kids?
+Come back here!
+Guinness has been brewed since 1759. Who'd like to know our secret recipe?
+I'm not going to tell ya.
+Sure if I did, it wouldn't be a secret.
+That concludes our tour.
+Well, ye may know the ingredients, but ye don't know the ratio!
+Fifty-fifty?
+"At McEllis Island, returning immigrants who are sick of America are processed by Irish authorities."
+Frank Smith.
+From now on, you're Francis O'Shaunessy. Next!
+Bill Jones.
+Seamus Fitzpatrick. Next!
+You're Liam Fitzpatrick and you're brothers with him.
+I said you're brothers! I didn't say you got along!
+They say if you kiss the Blarney Stone, you get "the gift of gab." Which is great, but I'm not sure I like the idea of getting a gift in return for kissing. What kind of a message is that for Lisa and Maggie? Those are my daughters. But on the other hand, America doesn't have any stones worth kissing -- except for Stone Phillips. Do you have one of him here? If so, he's our your him.
+K-I/S-S-M-Y/A-S-S spells "kiss my ass"!
+THIS IS THE LIFE IN IRE-LAND...
+You okay, Dad?
+I just had a nightmare... that I was back with your mother!
+Oh, I miss her.
+Ah, there they are: Dunkilderry's newest tavern-keepers.
+Well, last night you said you never wanted to leave this pub, so you bought it from me!
+We what?!
+Oh, these pictures tell no lies.
+There's you meeting with the loan officer and the title insurance company... here's me replacing the window sashes that had termite damage, as per the escrow agreement... I have to say, for blind drunks, you had an excellent knowledge of Irish real-estate law.
+We bought this dump?
+You most certainly did.
+So Long, suckers!
+Well, Dad, was there anything on your list about being cheated by an Irishman?
+Fourth one from the bottom.
+That takes care of my next one.
+Never heard of half this stuff! This brandy is fifty years old. Better toss it.
+Hey, boyo -- how about a tall cool one? How about you, Greensleeves? Irishmen love to get drunk.
+I'm in A.A.
+Who are you, stuttering Fonzie? What about you, bicycle pants?
+I'm late for a teleconference with Hong Kong, ya fat gob!
+Why you...
+Our first sale!
+Our first refund.
+Find any customers?
+Sorry, but smokin' in pubs ain't part of the new Ireland. Also, you can't text while driving.
+Yeah, look at 'em crowding the bar! There's Sully, and Mack, Jimmy D. and Jimmy B.! What can I get ya, boys -- the usual?
+We are so screwed!
+Ooh, it must be Bloomsday!
+Every June sixteenth, lovers of James Joyce follow the route traveled by Leopold Bloom in the novel "Ulysses."
+Hm, let me make a note of that.
+What you're saying is we've run out of fun things to do.
+Pretty much, yeah.
+Aw, there's always something to do in Ireland. I'm trying to woo back a girl I met in a music shop.
+Watch this, kids. I DON'T KNOW YOU / BUT I WANT YOU / ALL THE MO--
+Leave me alone, I have a husband!
+And quit sending her pianos!
+Ireland doesn't like pubs anymore. It's as if Danish people stopped liking sleek modern design.
+Bite your tongue! That will never, ever happen!
+Well, we need help. Someone who can make money with a bar that has no customers and zero charm.
+Moe, you shipped yourself here?
+No, it's how you fly coach on Delta now.
+Moe, something terrible has happened! The Irish have become hardworking and sober!
+Here's how you turn this place around. I let people do things in my bar they can't do nowhere else. You wanna drink on a Sunday morning? No problem. You wanna slow-dance with a goat? I'll be doin' a lot of things, but judgin' ain't one of 'em.
+Are you sayin' we should break the law?
+The law? That jerk?
+So, what can't people do in modern Ireland?
+Well, they're certainly liberal when it comes to romance.
+Howard died ten years ago.
+What has happened to the ways of old?
+People can't smoke indoors in Ireland!
+Then you let 'em. Open a "smoke-easy."
+Gentlemen, we have a lot of work to do!
+Moe, you were right!
+Thanks. Now I'm gonna go look for my Grandfather, based on this childhood photo.
+All I remember about him is he was part of a complete breakfast.
+The day they banned smoking from pubs, a little bit of Ireland died, but thanks to these two sweet Yanks , our lungs are black with joy! To Homer and his Da!
+Homer and his Da!
+Well, "Da," it looks like all your "der" have come "ter."
+Aw, my son's first stroke.
+Look at all this euro dough! These shamrocks sure love their tobaccy.
+So, it's a smoke-easy you're runnin' then?
+So, it's escapin' you're thinkin' of, then?
+I can't tell if those are questions or statements.
+So, it's our syntax you're criticizing then? Close 'er down, boys!
+Throw 'em in the paddy wagon! I mean the "us" wagon.
+Son, this was all my fault. You were just trying to make an old man happy.
+Don't worry, Dad. We'll get out. America is the New York Yankees of countries -- powerful and respected until the year two thousand.
+Oh son, you know how I love a good analogy.
+It was apt.
+Let me say I've always admired the Irish. Knute Rockne, Larry Bird, and especially Mr. Potato Head.
+There you have it -- news has never been softer. What's that? The parson is here!
+But I ask you, who does smoking actually hurt, except the smokers, those around them, and the unborn children of the pregnant women we let in free on Expectant Mothers drink free night?
+So I hope you'll forgive two well-meaning Americans for trying to take Ireland back to the good old days of "Angela's Ashes." Thank you.
+That was absolutely terrible.
+But fortunately for you, the punishment for your offense is deportation and a small fine.
+Thank you, Your Honor. And may I say: I'm glad I could see Ireland again, even if it isn't what I remembered.
+It got a lot nicer since we sent all our incompetent halfwits to America, where you, for some reason, made them police officers.
+Top of the morning to ya! Chief Clancy Wiggum here to pick up the Simpsons, and take them back to the--
+Jeez, that smarts. Better put a little "Ouchie" spray on it.
+Oh, boy. I better call for some backup.
+This is unit one-niner-ninerrrr .
+...And so, in summary...There are only two real commandments, and the other eight are just "filler".
+And now, I have some exciting news. Tomorrow we'll be blessed with a visit from the highest ranking clergyman of our Presby-Lutheran faith, His Holiness... the Parson.
+The Parson?! He's coming here?
+Oh my God, she fainted! Let's go get smelling salts!
+Suckers!
+Springfielders have camped out all night to get a glimpse of the most saintly person to visit our town since Mother Teresa stopped here to gas up her Vespa.
+And I'm sellin' all sorts of faith-based knick-knacks.
+Let's take a look.
+I'd commit arson for the Parson, clergymen can kiss my apse, all kindsa gems. Surprisingly, none of them have sold. Except for this one.
+So that's why that ghost keeps a-comin' to the winder!
+Oh, my God! It's him! The earthly embodiment of the Elected Chair of the National Congress of Deacons!
+Well, well, well, hello, everybody. Oh, I hope you didn't go to all this trouble for little ol' me.
+Parson! Parson! Give us a quick official church position on family.
+Well, in these modern times, family is more important than ever.
+You just made my moustache tingle!
+Settle. Settle down.
+Now, now, I am just a man like any other that has been chosen by God. I have come here from our world spiritual headquarters in Michigan City, Indiana to say: keep up the good work!
+And now if you'll excuse me, I'll do a little speakin' with your deacon.
+I LOVE TO GO TO CHURCH / IT'S WHERE I LIKE TO BE / I GET A DAY-IN OF PRAY-IN' / AND STILL TEE OFF BY THREE...
+Oh, calm down, Tim. He's just your old roommate from Texas Christian.
+He's like the Pope of this thing! This would be like Mary Kay visiting you when you were selling her cosmetics. That is, if you had stuck with it.
+You asked me to quit because I was making more than you!
+Not now, he's here.
+Welcome, Your Holiness.
+You'll love what we've done with the church. There's fresh wax on all the pews.
+Oh, sounds to me like somebody put on more than just one coat.
+Tim, um... is there somewhere that we can talk?
+Of course, my office.
+Perfect. WALKIN' TO YOUR OFFICE / IS WHAT I LIKE TO DO / MAYBE WHILE WE'RE AT IT / WE'LL PEEK IN AT YOUR PEWS...
+'Nilla wafer?
+I'll take two if you don't mind.
+Afternoon.
+Tim, I'm here because of a problem with your last re-certification. When we tried to charge the filing fee to your credit card, it was declined.
+Oh, yeah, the bank put on a security hold after they saw a charge from an "Offshore Poker Club." Helen had bought a fireplace poker from Nova Scotia. She says it shifts logs better than American pokers, but I disagree. We'll get through it. We always do.
+Well, love conquers all, huh? I remember when she was Helen Schwarzbaum. In fact, I remember when she was Harold Schwarzbaum.
+You what?
+I've said too much. But, for the three months it took your card to go through, you weren't certified. Anything you officiated during that time: funerals, baptisms, even bingo... well, it just didn't count.
+Oh, well, I'm sure the Lord is understanding...
+No he's not.
+I'll notify those affected right away.
+Tea time! What's going on?
+Helen, I was briefly uncertified.
+So all those "Graces" you said were... a lie?!
+That food might as well have been regurgitated by Satan himself.
+REGURGITATED BY SATAN / HE COULDN'T KEEP IT DOWN / OL' SIX-SIX-SIX, HE GOT SICK, SICK, SICK / AND THAT'S HOW VOLCANOES WERE BORN...
+Due to a bureaucratic snafu, I wasn't an official minister when we laid your dear Estelle to rest.
+So... she's still alive?
+I'm afraid not.
+Good. 'Cause I left her ashes on the bus.
+So, Captain. When I blessed your vessel, it didn't count.
+Maybe the next one.
+...So I'm afraid I wasn't a minister when I blessed your tin-roof shanty.
+I want to talk to Howard.
+Fly away, ghosty! Go back to your haunted cornfield!
+Reverend Lovejoy? You deliver pizza now? But we didn't order a pizza. But you forgot the pizza anyway. Marge, the pizza place screwed up again.
+Do you remember when I remarried you two after Homer got that divorce?
+Like it was yesterday...
+Kirk and Luann split up...
+So Homer, fearing we would do the same, preemptively filed for divorce...
+But then you remarried us, and we were as solid as ever.
+And I think Apu got lucky with my sister.
+Well, I'm afraid that joyous occasion fell during a time when I wasn't actually a minister. Uh, since that time, you two have not been legally wed.
+You don't get it, Padre. My old lady and I have a thing goin' on. We don't need a piece of paper to keep it real.
+Who are you calling an old lady?
+I need that paper quick!
+So you and Mom aren't married? Does that mean I'm a bastard?
+You were born while they were married so legally, no. But in the sense someone calls you one when they're angry, yes.
+It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.
+I think it's romantic. You can pretend you're newlyweds starting a life together.
+Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock.
+Why you little bastard...
+That's the angry one.
+This isn't the most romantic place to get married.
+Sweetie, any place I'm marrying you is the most romantic place in the world.
+Watch your back! Half a corpse comin' through!
+Marge, this time I'm going to give you the wedding you deserve. Let's get out of here!
+Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's the line to get out.
+Hello. It's me, Lance Romance.
+Your first mission is to look out the window.
+Whatever you say, "Lance."
+This is Bill and Marty saying "Marge, go down to the basement"!
+Homer, what's going on? The violin, pants with a crease, why?
+Marge, you deserve a wedding day that unlike our children, was planned in advance. So -- will you marry me -- in style?
+Oh yes, Homer! Yes!
+Did you hear that, Santa? She said yes! Yes! Now, back to your cold, airless tomb.
+Ho-ho-ho.
+Oh, it's beautiful. But that's an awful lot to pay for a dress I'll only wear once.
+Marge, a woman only gets one chance at a second re-marriage. The choice is yours: you can look like a fairy princess, or a pig wrapped in rags.
+Uh... a princess?
+Fine. We'll do it your way.
+This one's a little gay, isn't it?
+Well, the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
+How'd you check?!
+Check out this rocket ship cake, Marge.
+That's for a child's birthday. We're going to get this one.
+Maybe we could bury the rocket ship inside the cake. And that would be a big surprise because I'd forget about it pretty quick.
+No rockets! You can pick the frosting.
+Chocolate.
+We'll take lemon.
+Okay, I want white roses at the altar, red roses along the aisle, and blue roses in the centerpieces.
+There are no blue roses.
+Well, did he take all the blue roses with him?
+My father was a lovely man. He took very good care of my mother and me.
+All right, people, I want every table to have two baskets of bread but only one plate of butter -- that will stimulate conversation.
+What if we...
+There is no "we" in wedding!
+But there is, Marge! The first two letters...
+I can't believe you're ruining the second Thursday before the wedding!
+I can't believe you told Lenny and Carl they could bring dates! 'Cause they're not even coming to the wedding!
+Why not?
+Because their R.S.V.P. cards arrived one day after the deadline!
+Marge, uh, maybe you should take a break from wedding planning. I think you're becoming a... Bridezilla.
+Bridezilla? A combination of bride and Godzilla? How could you say that? More like you're a... King Wrong!
+No matter what I do, Marge yells at me. If she's like this now, what will she be like after we get married?
+Okay, okay, everyone back off! I want to see myself.
+A pimple! Not on my day you don't!
+Okay, it's go time.
+Dim the lights.
+Cue the band.
+And... release the groom.
+Homer, that's you!
+We are now eleven seconds behind schedule!
+I can't believe Homer left me at the altar.
+Oh, Marge, have a shrimp puff...
+Wipe your tears with a monogrammed napkin...
+I know it is hard, but smile for the cameraman from Gary's Magic Moments.
+You have my deepest sympathy.
+What's going on? What's with all the darkness? Hello? Marge! Where am I?
+What the? I'm chained up like a common bicycle!
+Who would do this to me?! It would have to be someone who could afford a chain.
+You're going to be here a while.
+But I have to marry Marge!
+As of now, your pathetic little life means nothing.
+Just so you know, you're making a pretty bad first impression.
+It's all my fault: Homer wanted to serve those little cocktail hot dogs. But no. I had to have spring rolls! They taste like nothing!
+I don't understand. Dad would never miss an open bar with chicken wings. Plus he loves Mom, and us, yada, yada, yada.
+Hey, I found something!
+Sideshow Bob!
+He ruined the wedding -- getting his revenge on us at last!
+Because he knows that if Mom and Dad don't get married, I'll never be born!
+I got some wedding registry items for Mrs. Simpson.
+I'm afraid I'm just... Ms. Simpson now.
+Interesting nuance. I'd like to hear more about it, but uh, company policy forbids chitchat.
+I miss you so much.
+To remove that chain, you need the key to the lock.
+You idiot! How am I ever going to find the key to the... ooh, here it is!
+To get the key I have to lick through a lollipop? Oh, how awful.
+What the?
+The lollipop is made of hot sauce.
+Whose side are you on?
+Sideshow Bob! Drop that knife and give back our Dad!
+I'm working on a bust of Krusty and using this knife to aerate the clay.
+Anyone for peppermint tea?
+Not for me, but the monkey needs to keep his strength up. We're gonna drop him out of a blimp tomorrow and see what happens.
+Oh, don't worry. Nothing's gonna happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number Seven.
+Bob, did you take any breaks yesterday... to kidnap our dad?
+Impossible. I was with Bob the whole day. Then we watched the deluxe DVD of "The House of Sand and Fog." At night we slept in the same bed for warmth. Then we woke up, had a little nosh, watched "The House of Sand and Fog" again with commentary...
+The director was an ass.
+Fine. But how do you explain this?
+Nice of you to think of me. However, "SB" could be anyone -- Scott Baio, the Sultan of Brunei, the former Polish secret police, the Służba Bezpieczeństwa... Or...
+Malge! Ahmiss oo. Ahmiss oo so mug...
+Wait'll he finds out the key isn't a key, but just a hotter sauce.
+I'm gonna say this for the last time: Bart, if this is one of your pranks, very funny.
+Maybe we should let him out soon.
+Not till Marge dumps him for good.
+Hey, Lame-o! Ready for some...
+...fun with fire ants?
+What's fun about fire ants? They're-- Oh, you're being sarcastic.
+Wow, you're the smartest guy in that room.
+Thank you, that's very... More sarcasm.
+Just see that my fiancée Marge gets this -- my wedding vows.
+Marge! Moe and Maya are here for a double date.
+Marge, I hope this day is as perfect for you, as the day we met was for me. You always find the one grain of sugar in the salt shaker that is I. With each marriage I get a little better -- maybe after a thousand, I'll be worthy of you.
+I miss you. I miss the kids. God help me, I even miss your sisters.
+Poor guy! / He loves her so much!
+Excuse me!
+But, I have been waiting forty-five minutes for you to slide my license over to me.
+Closed!
+Okay, you are hereby banned from my store. You will have to shop at the Kwik-E-Mart across the street from me. You know, the much nicer, much newer one. Good day to you!
+Mom! Mom! We know where Dad is!
+He's right here.
+I'm not sure what happened. I was kidnapped, then tortured, then I fell into a surprisingly sound sleep. When I awoke, I felt refreshed. Then I was blindfolded, and two sobbing trolls threw me out of a van onto our lawn.
+I'm just happy you're back. Now let's get that chain off you.
+Won't it dry up in a few days and fall off in the bath?
+Oh, I've missed your nonsense.
+Now there's no evidence to tie us to the kidnapping.
+And we've got a one-year lease on that torture room, so maybe we can put a tanning bed in there.
+We know it was you Selma Bouvier.
+Would you kids like cookies? Let your Auntie Patty make some cookies.
+We don't want your cookies.
+And this game is over! Unbelievable! You'll never see anything like that again!
+What she means is, we'll eat your cookies later. If you don't want us to tell our Mom what you did, you're gonna have to pay.
+Pay? Pay for what?
+Ask her, she's the brains. I'm the thing that's not brains.
+And with the inking and application of this stamp, you are officially married. Next!
+I'm sorry, honey. I wanted so badly to give you a fancy wedding.
+Homer, one thing I've learned is that you don't need a fancy wedding when you're marrying the man you love.
+Just what I always wanted.
+A rocket ship wedding cake -- just what I always wanted!
+We emptied our 401Ks for this?!
+Blue roses!
+Yes. It took a lot of frantic genetic engineering, but enjoy.
+No. You're a plant now.
+Oh, ya hate to see this.
+I love to see this!
+Now the other players are joining in.
+Uh-oh, Someone could lose a tooth!
+This is no time to pat the bunny, Maggie. Daddy's watching a very important Mid-Atlantic Hockey League Conference Semi-Final do-over game.
+As we enter the seventh amazing overtime, the members of Sesame Street on Ice wait impatiently to begin their matinee performance.
+Hold the Black Label, Mabel! The Utica Mohawks' Pete Mavroudis has broken through the 'topes' defense!
+Stop him, Babando!
+He winds up for the shot! And Delacroix slides in front!
+You're supposed to be spending time with your daughter.
+I will, when it's not sports season. I just want to know how the game ends.
+So that will do it from Wayne Bockhorn, Jean-Pierre Pétomane, and me, Doc Jacques Lalonde, here at Utica's Kill-Kwik Rat Poison Arena.
+Wha-wha-what's the score?!
+Now stay tuned for "Picking the Perfect Apple," it's already in progress.
+The score, damn you!
+Once again, today's final score...
+...is already in the books. G'night!
+I will never... know... the score!
+You want to know the score? I'll tell you the score.
+Oh, Marge. This is a definite high point for our marriage.
+Here's the score, Mister:
+Your daughter barely knows who you are!
+That's ridiculous. Who's your daddy, Maggie? Who's your daddy?
+He is pretty good with her.
+Look Marge! It's just what you want. Me spending the day with Muggsy.
+Maggie.
+Marge, you're not naggy. You just set the bar impossibly high.
+Can you at least bring a sweater for Maggie?
+Impossibly high. Now, let's get started on the greatest daddy-daughter day ever!
+Not even heated up. Typical dog.
+This is it, Maggie -- the place where Daddy goes every morning.
+Now, you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while Daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.
+Moe, what are you doing?
+I'm spiffin' up the place! Jeez, can't a guy clean his bar for the first time ever without people makin' polite inquiries?
+Huh. I got a window here.
+Hey, Maggie could play out there... while I watch her from in here. Whaddaya say, Maggie?
+Aw, her first enabling.
+Hi, Maggie! / Up here, beautiful! / Yo, Mags!
+It's me! Uncle Barney! Remember I taught you your ABCs. A-B- P-K...
+So, uh, I s'pose you guys are still wonderin' why I'm cleanin' the bar.
+Ooh, hey Maggie! Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!
+Hello Maggie... hello Maggie.
+Hey Maggie! Maggie look at my face!
+It all began about a month ago...
+It was a typical Friday night: me surfing the net at the public library, with occasional drinking fountain breaks.
+Ah, just how I like it: warm and rusty.
+I couldn't believe it -- I finally found an intelligent sophisticated woman who hadn't heard any of my knock-knock jokes.
+"Orange who?" All right Moe, give her the punchline nice and easy.
+Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
+The gargoyle has landed!
+"You're funny. Very nice. Now, how can I put this? Um... "Are you sure you're not actually some creepy guy in a public library?"
+"No. How 'bout you?" Actually, there is a much creepier guy right next to me.
+You know I'm a woman. We used to own a cat together! She had babies! Here's yours!
+I would do anything to chat with Maya, short of actually purchasing a computer. We decided to take the next big step -- exchanging photos...
+Okay, this is it. I finally get to see what she looks like. Dast I click on this j-peg? No. I dasn't.
+Yes I dast!
+So, what does she look like?
+This is where I live.
+Yeah, she was a knockout. Which meant I was screwed. Because now I had to send her a picture of me.
+All right, before I send this, I'd better, uh, un-beady the eyes... de-Neanderthal the brow... smooth out my hate lines... lighten up the ear hair... switch my lips...
+Then, black tie the whole deal.
+Aw, I can't build a relationship on a lie. The lies come later.
+She thinks I'm cute?!
+Oh frabjulous day! Calloo Callay!
+So, that's why I'm cleanin' things and flushin' things, and makin' this place look respectable.
+She's coming to meet me. Here. Tonight.
+Moe's rat-free tavern! Oh, ah, heya, Marge. Yeah, yeah, Homer's here.
+Oh, you want Homer. I'm sorry, I thought you meant Himmler. Heinrich Himmler. You know, the guy who invented the Heimlich manure?
+Those are two different people!
+Uh, well they're both here, and neither one's your husband. This press conference is over.
+Ooh, Maggie made some new friends.
+Aw, burrowing your head into your Daddy. A sign that my baby is happy and confident.
+Okay, she said she'd be here at exactly eight o'clock.
+You callin' my girl a liar?!
+I've been stood up.
+Moe, I'm down here.
+Oh, you're a little person? I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. What's the correct term?
+Little person.
+Whoa! Look at me bein' polite!
+So, aren't you gonna invite me in?
+Oh of course, of course. Um, I-I just have to -- I have to tidy up the place! Just one second.
+So Maya. Um, you always been this size, or is this like a Benjamin Button deal? No, I mean is, I just...your picture just made you look more... life-sized.
+Oh! Okay, I'm coming.
+That was taken at Legoland. I was afraid you'd be disappointed in the real me.
+Are you kiddin' me? You're the best thing to come into this bar since cable TV. And unlike cable TV, I ain't stealin' you from the Chinese restaurant across the street there.
+I see you watch ESPN Two! I know!
+Yeah, that's great there, Ling Chow.
+So, uh, you still want to go out?
+That's why I'm here.
+Great. Let me get a car seat.
+Car seat?
+I took out the passenger seat to save gas. But I'm gonna use it now. 'Cause we're gonna do the town!
+...so instead of getting a new bar sign, I saved three hundred bucks by changing my name to Moe...
+Moe! You eat alone again tonight, huh? Table for one! Facing the wall!
+Whoa, whoa, whoa -- not so fast, garlic press. I'm here with my date.
+She's beautiful! But so far away.
+Mmm... you're a good kisser.
+Yeah, I practice by siphoning gas out of other people's tanks. But I never tasted super-premium that was half as good as you.
+Oh, Moe.
+How'd your date go, Moe?
+Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.
+So, when are we gonna meet her?
+Oh, I can't wait till you guys get to uh...
+Yep, that's what we'd do!
+Let me ask you guys somethin': how would you treat a person who's generally dynamite but uh, in some way... a little different?
+You mean like how we treat Homer?
+'Cause he can't remember limericks?
+I can too! "There once was this guy from an island off the coast of Massachusetts... uh, Nantucket, I think it was. Anyway, he had a most unusual personal characteristic... which was... um... uh...
+Look at him struggling with the simplest rhyme.
+It's a-a-b-b-a, dumbass!
+There you are!
+Aww. Innocent babies whistling nonchalantly. How sweet. Maggie will be back to play with you tomorrow.
+Come on, Maggie. Have some grapefruit.
+She seems upset. Maybe if I lay down a beat on my bongos, that'll soothe her.
+Dad, do you have any idea what's gotten into Maggie?
+How would I know?
+You've been spending so much time with her.
+I have not! Oh right, you think I do.
+When you leave your children, do you really know who you're leaving them with?
+Your little angels are safe with me. Enjoy your second honeymoon!
+You -- wash me unmentionables!
+And you! Pre-heat the oven for two children at four-fifty.
+When you can't be there, Prying-Eye Surveillance can.
+We take images from your camera, scramble them, beam them to our orbiting satellite, unscramble them, then scramble them again, then unscramble them that all-important final time. Our competitors claim we scramble our images too much. We say, "Can you love your children too much?"
+The only thing better than Prying-Eye watching your children, is you watching your children.
+And we all know that's not gonna happen.
+Wait a second, Marge: do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband?
+Yes you do.
+I wasn't talking to you.
+When you say it, it's not just in your head.
+Uh... So is there a knob or an "open sesame"-type deal, or what?
+My house is over there.
+You didn't actually think I lived in a tree, did you?
+No, hey, a lot of people live in trees... uh, Tarzan, the Berenstain Bears, flood victims...
+UMPA-LUMPA / WE ARE SO SMALL...
+Gah! Why should I be watchin' anything when I could look at the most beautiful thing in the world: youse.
+Dat's right. Kiss the troll and win a prize.
+Listen... there's one thing that keeps bothering me.
+Is it my religion? 'Cause I am a snake handler, but not an observant one. If we have kids, they just have to have a ceremony with a cobra by age three so grandfather will be happy.
+No, that's fine. It's just that I can't help wondering why you've never introduced me to anyone you know. When your mailman waved to us, you made me hide under that traffic cone.
+Well, I do know this one couple -- the Simpsons I believe their name is -- that ain't too judgmental. She's a standup dame and he's a fall-down drunk. We'll make a double date of it. Now, let's get back to what we were...
+Hey. What's goin' on? You've turned into a doll!
+I just do that to freak people out.
+Here she is, uh, Homer. The wonderful girl I been tellin' you about.
+Pleased to meet you. Uh, perhaps this is inappropriate, but I have a mechanical question while the kids are out of the room, that I can't help wondering about.
+In a nuclear power plant, just how is nuclear energy turned into electricity?
+Well... If I remember my high school physics, the controlled nuclear reaction creates steam which powers a turbine...
+Man oh man, slap a ring on that!
+All right, Homer. Let's see what my baby's been up to.
+Here we are, Maggie. That park you love...
+See you when the moon comes out.
+Man, that made me thirsty.
+For you.
+She's beautiful, Moe.
+Yeah. She sure is.
+Here comes ours, honey.
+Would you look at me. I'm the happiest bartender in the world.
+Sorry, fellas.
+Maya... there's something I wanna ask ya, um... I don't know why I'm so nervous... this makes more sense than anything I've ever done... well, other than keepin' all my Netflix movies and sayin' the post office lost 'em. Anyway...
+Um... will you marry me?
+Are you asking me to be your... little woman?
+As long as you don't mind having a small wedding.
+And we can drink champagne out of an acorn top. Our first dance will be on the head of a pin! I've been hoggin' all the good ones. All right, now you go. But hey, keep it short!
+What's the matter, Doll? We were just having fun.
+I stopped having fun about ten jokes ago. And you just kept going.
+I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Forgive me, kitten... I mean cat... I mean, tiger... I mean saber-toothed tiger. I mean--
+I think you should go now.
+Okay. I screwed this up pretty bad and, uh, I'm sorry. How long do you people remember things?
+Get out.
+Guys, after all the years I've given you advice, now I need a little advice from you.
+We never follow your advice.
+The one time I did, I went to jail for three years.
+You made some good friends, didn't ya?
+Just 'cause you're chained to a guy don't make him your friend.
+Tomato, tomahto. Now how am I gonna win Maya back?
+Well, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies, is that you've got to make a grand, reckless gesture, the kind that looks like it might blow up in your face.
+But what if it blows up in my face?
+With your face, who cares?
+...you gotta make me shorter, Doc.
+What do you mean?
+I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro-Moe.
+What you're asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would perform that operation.
+Now close your eyes and when you wake up, you will be a woman.
+No, no, no, no, no -- I want to be shorter for a woman.
+Uh-oh, I mixed you up with the last guy!
+I look nothing like Julie Newmar!
+Maya is gonna love the new me!
+Moe, why did you do this?!
+I ain't done nothin' yet.
+But I'm considering it because I want to share your world forever.
+Moe, if you have to be like me to love me, then you're not seeing the real me.
+Oh, I see you, Maya. I see you every time I look at the moon. I see ya in puddles after it rains. I see ya in the glazed eye of a barfly who's had one too many.
+So cut me down to size, Doc. And can you wrap up the bones so my dog can have fun with 'em.
+But Moe, I don't want someone who sees me as short. I want someone who just sees me as beautiful. Goodbye.
+Okay, no more delays. I've got to watch this.
+I'll save you, Maggie!
+I'm telling!
+Now what?
+Aw, sweetie, you saved me. Well, I promise that wherever you go in this world, I will always be there for you.
+Oh Maggie, I love you from the tip of your toes to the bow on your hair with the red blinking light. God bless your mother for making you with me.
+Whatcha watchin', honey?
+Homer Simpson, you are a strong finisher.
+And I'm good at beginnings.
+What's the matter, Homer?
+Not a thing in the world.
+Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
+Moe, this was a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game. And sometime when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you. And that means someone can love you again. And that'll make you smile.
+Hey! Homer was right.
+Who'da thought such a little woman could make me feel so big?
+Did you unscrew all the Phillips heads?
+Check. Did you unscrew all the flat heads?
+Yep. And now we wait.
+Now, go hide the evidence while I walk around saying "What happened? Who would do such a thing?"
+I'll return these to the shop room -- what's left of it.
+Skin-ner!
+Shh. Don't tell him I'm here.
+I know you're there, Skinner! I'd recognize those discolored Hush Puppies anywhere.
+Hear that? He thinks my Try 'N' Save brand Shush Mutts are genuine Hush Puppies.
+We've got the "how" , and we've got the "who" , but we don't have the "why."
+Here 'tis.
+Hard to believe one lad can cause all this mayhem. Particularly a lad who failed "Introduction to Unscrewing."
+And I don't buy this "lone prankster" theory. I think there was a second "funman." And if you don't identify him, you're looking at a week's suspension.
+A nickel?
+Milhouse, you realize, if you're suspended, you'll be missing... taco Wednesday.
+Crunchy shell, ground beef, lettuce, mild sauce... and of course, shredded cheddar cheese!
+I'll never tell!
+Consider yourself suspended, mister. Willie, take him to the big house -- where he lives.
+Let's go, lad.
+Suspended boy walkin'!
+Thanks for not selling me out, man.
+This really sucks, Bart. I'm grounded, and spend all day listening to my Dad yell at "Mad Money" with Jim Cramer.
+You said tech stocks were bulletproof!
+Look, I gotta go. But don't worry, I'll visit you every day. I promise.
+Bart -- you're a true friend.
+Byyyyyye.
+Well, I'm glad they suspended Milhouse. He's a bad influence on you.
+You know, I think Milhouse is "El Barto." Hmmmm.
+And now, you're gonna visit your Grampa while I park around the corner and take a nap.
+So Grampa, not like I'm anxious to go, but I've been here ten minutes, which is like seven hours in kid years...
+It's her! The little girl who doesn't recoil at the sight of us.
+Hi guys, I brought cookies!
+Chocolate chip for Donald, low sodium for Abe, "not made by immigrants" for Sam, and imaginary for Major Preston...
+Don't shake your fist at me!
+With this cookie I can buy back Private O'Malley from the Zulus.
+I think it is so cool what you are doing. So what's the gag? You put ex-lax in the cookies, then just sit back and watch the fireworks?
+I would never do that!
+Oh, right. Um, I was thinking of other things that are hilarious. Like... things that you think are funny.
+Yeah, those are funny.
+Yeah. I'm Bart.
+I'm Jenny.
+Oh my God, how long was I zoned out?
+Bart, this is my Aunt Belle. We dress alike. Isn't that cute?
+Math, done. Pine cone, collected. Permission slip, signed. Now time for a break -- a little social studies.
+"What will Springfield be like in fifty years?" Let's see what the computer says:
+That's horrible. What else?
+Oh my God!
+It just gets worse and worse.
+So, who's the special someone?
+Jenny. Fifth grade girl.
+Whoa, she gets to use the real scissors. Nice.
+When she talks to me, I feel like a better person.
+Powerful stuff. You'd better claim her as your own. Punch her in her arm, or if you're really serious, stick gum in her hair. Here -- I always come prepared.
+Take two. You might get lucky.
+Hey, Jenny.
+Hi, Bart.
+Boy, you make it look effortless. And that kid's giving you zero pump.
+Oh, you know what a girl likes to hear.
+He seems pretty high-functioning.
+Seal the deal! Punch her! Punch her!
+Punch herrrr!
+Hey, do you want to go on a picnic tomorrow? You'd love my P.B. and J. The secret is, no P.B., double J.
+It's a date!
+Yes!!! Willie, I've got a girlfriend!
+Really? Well, eh, I do too. She's... a bikini model from Sweden.
+Hey, that's great.
+Willie, darling, come back to bed. Don't you love me?
+Don't compete with my job, Inga. You'll never win.
+And now Ralph Wiggum will read his essay on "Springfield in fifty years."
+In fifty years, the vacuum cleaner will be quiet and not scary.
+Next we have Lisa Simpson.
+Oh Ralph, how I envy your optimism. There is no Springfield fifty years in the future! With global warming trapping the CO2 inside our poisonous atmosphere, our super-heated oceans will rise, drowning our lowlands, leaving what's left of humanity baking in deserts that once fed the world!
+And in the new Nineveh , darkness falls.
+Lisa, your outburst was either a sign of deep emotional imbalance, or a passionate response to a sobering truth. Luckily, the treatment for both is intensive therapy.
+What's therapy gonna do for me when the world is in ashes?
+Oh, I don't know. But when you go, could you return this Sports Illustrated for me?
+Someone must've, uh, put it in my bag. They do that, you know. They're always putting things in my bag!
+So, you visit old folks. How else do you make the world a better place?
+Uh... I...
+I spend a lot of time working with this mentally-challenged guy. Why, here he is now. Lookin' good, Homer!
+Just wait.
+Look, man, I don't want any trouble. C'mon -- here, here, just take my wallet. Leave me alone, okay?
+Do you know who else was really into rowboats? Jesus. And he could've turned his rowboat into a jet ski, but he didn't. Good guy.
+Cheese and crackers! Look!
+Oh, you want your duckling back? Here it is. Psych!
+That'll teach you to match wits with us, you stupid mother duck!
+Bart! Can't you do something?
+Those bullies are gonna kill me! Why am I doing this?
+Oh, yeah.
+Please, guys, give me a break. Can you give me the duckling without beating me up?
+Well... we'll have to beat you up a little.
+C'mon, I'm trying to impress a girl.
+So are we.
+Either the duck suffers or the kid does. Or none of youse gettin' nothin' from Shauna. I'm Shauna.
+Oh Bart, if those ducklings understood how magnificent you were, they'd stop biting your leg.
+We believe Lisa is suffering from Environment Related Despair.
+Oh, it's even worse when you know it has a name.
+Now don't worry, she'll be fine after years of expensive treatment. And, we have a new drug to combat this syndrome: Ignorital.
+Let me show you how Ignorital works...
+It turns this... to this!
+Lisa is a little young to be taking "happy pills."
+Marge, we came to an appointment in the middle of the day. That's the most a parent can do.
+We done here?
+Oh, go ahead -- numb me.
+Mom, can I get those dishes for you?
+What's your angle, Mister?
+No angle.
+Um, if this girl I'm seeing comes here, and she might, I wouldn't mind if you told her I was the kind of boy that does the dishes.
+Yeah, busboys get all the chicks.
+Well, off to school where they'll prepare our little minds for a future we'll never see.
+I'm going to Dizzyland!
+So this is setting the table. If I'd known how easy this was, I'd have just done it instead of throwing all those tantrums.
+Oh, Bart, I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of: a girl.
+You never told me that the "special" man you were working with is your father.
+Uh... it's not an easy thing to admit.
+Is the rest of your family... okay?
+Uh... well...
+Hello, Smiley Face. Hello, Smiley Face.
+Officer down!
+Jenny, it's amazing what you've done with my son.
+Well, I think Bart is an incredible combination of Habitat For Humanity and the Jonas Brothers.
+And nothing can ever change my opinion about him.
+We don't have any money! Go away! May I de-corn your cob, my darling?
+Why didn't you come to visit me, Bart?
+Yeah, I meant to, I've just been sooo busy. My schedule has been all like .
+But what could be more important than your best friend?
+Who's this, Bart?
+Oh. I see how it is. Actually, I don't. My glasses are fogged.
+Bart, I learned some great new swear words from my uncle! He's got a broken back so he's in constant pain.
+Bart? Would you be interested in swears?
+Yes, because only by knowing them can you prevent bad little kids from saying them.
+What do you want from me?!
+I want to know why my best friend didn't visit me like he said he would.
+Milhouse, real best friends often don't speak for years at a time. Like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson.
+Just because you saw one episode of one mini-series doesn't mean you get to use it as a whip!
+Look, man. I have to keep my dark past hidden. There's someone new in my life now.
+Oh, I get it. It's love. I guess you found your Abigail Adams.
+My who?
+So I'll be on my way. I can see I'm the fifth wheel on this bicycle with training wheels. But the next time I see you two I might not be able to hold my tongue.
+It's really quite difficult.
+Reverend, care for some of my devils food cake?
+Is that really devils food?
+No, it's angels food with chocolate on top.
+I knew it.
+Sorry I'm late. I didn't realize you had to turn the oven on to bake stuff.
+So, Jenny, I hear you're religious. Know what my favorite book of the Bible is? Revelations.
+Mine too! Bart, we should take Milhouse on our trip to juice country.
+Are you nuts?! Milhouse will spill everything. By which I mean juice, not secrets!
+Yeah, you guys don't want me there.
+But I'm sure we'll see each other soon.
+You look tense. Have a cookie.
+If you don't stop smiling, you're gonna get a kiss!
+That's it! We're getting you off the meds!
+We should be safe from Milhouse here. Being at sea level gives him nosebleeds.
+Milhouse is funny. The way he's always shaking me by the shoulders and saying I don't know the real you. Funny!
+I'm tired of talking about Milhouse!
+Hello, Bart. Surprised to see me at sea level? Well, you can't bleed out your nose when your heart's broken.
+Milhouse, could you stop being creepy for just a minute?
+No. Jenny, do you see how the dolphin in that tank seems to shy away from Bart? Why might that be?
+Jenny, I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to come clean. I'm only pretending to be good...
+Before I met you, I was El Barto, Skinner's Bane, the Sultan of Spitwads, the Dean of D-minus, the Ay carumba Kid!
+No, no, no, no, no!
+But now I'm good because you turned me good. Isn't that all that matters?
+Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?
+Not our entire relationship. Just the stuff I said.
+I can't believe she dumped me!
+Son, girls come and go. But you'll always have your family.
+I know, I know.
+Hit me again, 'Pu.
+Whatever you are looking for, it is not at the bottom of a five hundred and twelve ounce cup of Shrek Berry Blast. What is at the bottom is the "Stump Shrek Trivia Quiz" which, if answered correctly, entitles you to ten percent off any Shrek DVD -- except the first two.
+Bart, in my concurrent adventure, I learned a really important lesson: you can't wallow in despair. Face things as they really are.
+You're right. I've gotta straighten this out.
+How much for these roses, Apu?
+Uh... Ten dollars.
+Okay, I... What happened to my roses, Apu? You said you'd watch them while I shopped.
+No such conversation took place.
+What am I gonna put on my Grandma's grave?
+How about this standee from last year's Super Bowl?
+Gramma, a lot has happened: I went to a condo presentation, I put down my deposit, but then they lost funding mid project. That crane just sits there everyday. Rusting.
+I am so sorry I tried to deny who I really was. You deserve better. I'll never hurt you again. Can you forgive me?
+Oh, Bart! I was born forgiving you.
+You've always been there for me, man. I'll never turn my back on you again.
+Punch him! Punch him! Punch hiiim!
+Milhouse, whaddaya say to a make-up prank?
+Smooth and slippery. Thank you, Zamboni King.
+Happy to oblige.
+Simp-son!
+Skin-ner!
+Cue music.
+And, cue snow.
+Hot dogs! Not-so-hot dogs! Cold and droopy!
+Fried dough! America's worst legal food! Never leaves your body!
+Wow, the Truth in Boardwalking Law has really done a number on this place.
+Shoot an oversized basketball into an undersized hoop! It's impossible! The prizes have been here for fifty years!
+Maybe we should just check out the street performers.
+Big deal! I could juggle five pins if they let me use a unicycle.
+Well, if you think it's too easy, why don't you throw me something else?
+'Ut 'uz it 'ay?
+Are you insane? You can't throw a little boy into my cascade!
+Stop tossing kids!
+Oh man, I love Saturdays!
+Man, I love Saturdays! Finally, I can have fun with something I bought for myself -- a new water heater!
+Almost there...
+Five more water heaters and we get a free water heater!
+Huh? A mysterious door!
+It's like a sauna in here!
+It is a sauna in here. Must've been put in by a previous owner. This house is full of surprises. But this is the first good one.
+I can't wait to tell everyone!
+Oh, this is great, honey. Thanks for telling me about it. I hope you don't mind I invited Lenny.
+And I hope you don't mind I invited Carl and Moe.
+Yeah, you know, my invitation didn't say nothin' about no towels. So I guess we should all just go "Scandinavian," huh? Huh?
+Maybe I'll keep this to myself for a while.
+Ooh, lamb-kebab!
+Ooh, chicken-kebab!
+Ooh, fire-kebab!
+Dad, no!
+Dad, yes!
+Why... you... little...!
+Burn, Barty, burn!
+I'm afraid his tongue will be in that cast for a few weeks -- it may put something of a cramp in your lovemaking.
+No it won't -- if he wants me to do something, he'll just write it down!
+Is it 'omplimentawee?
+Yeah, sure. It's complimentary.
+It is? 'Ey every-ody, 'eck out I 'ompliment!
+Now Homer, how would you like me to remove it -- yanky or peely?
+Got it.
+I held up two, for "peely!"
+Oh, I thought that was a Y, for "yanky." I'll make a note in your chart that you aren't always clear.
+Well, at least I can eat again!
+Mmm, cherry.
+Too much cherry!
+Ooh, lemon. That'll stop the cherry.
+Doctor, why is this happening to me?
+Well, I do have an idea, but just to be sure, let's run some expensive tests.
+Hmm, the fire burned off your old taste buds, exposing new ones.
+That'll be our Christmas card this year!
+Homer, you have become a super-taster. The mildest spices will overwhelm your tongue. Even a taco could drive you insane.
+I can't eat tacos?! Oh my God -- what day of Mayo is it?
+Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
+Try these beets. I boiled all the red out.
+I still taste over-tones of pink!
+Dad, I've got the perfect thing.
+Hm. It feels like food. But it has no flavor whatsoever.
+It's mac and cheese from the school cafeteria. The blandest food known to man.
+What else do they got?
+Tofu cubes... tidy Joes... chili con cottage cheese...
+Pecan blandies... cream of steam... You Guess 'Ems...
+Man, who comes up with this stuff?
+Old comedy writers who now have to work at our kitchen.
+The one rule we had on "Charles In Charge" is Charles must always be in charge.
+/ Oh yeah. / That makes sense to me. / Good rule. /
+Lunch card... Lunch card... Lunch card?
+Don't have one.
+Dad, what are you doing here?
+Son, from now on, I'm eating all my meals here at school -- with you!
+What? No!
+Oh, come on, relax, I won't embarrass you.
+Three dollars and eighty-five cents.
+Uh... can I work it off? Don't worry, I won't embarrass you.
+I'll start you on Jell-o.
+OH, I'M BIG AND YELLOW / AND I'M SERVIN' JELL-O / IF YOU'RE A FELLOW AND YOU WANT SOME JELL-O / YOU'D BETTER BELLOW / HEY, BIG GUY / GIMME SOME JELL-O
+Up-bup-bup. No Jell-o for you, Bart -- it'll keep you up at night. Like last week when you crawled into bed with me and Mommy?
+Sure is hot back here.
+Hey, there we go.
+Don't worry, I won't embarrass you.
+I used to date your daughter.
+Buddy, I'm here to eat, not make interesting conversation.
+Dad, do you have to hang out at my school? It's bad enough I have to be here three days a week!
+Well, I know when I'm not wanted. Am I wanted?
+Hi, Homer Simpson. Mind if I sit near your son? Mine sucks.
+Well, we certainly are proud of Noah. He's a straight-A student. Noah, state capitals, alphabetical order, on my clap!
+Albany! Annapolis Atlanta! Augusta! Austin! Baton Rouge! Bismarck! Boise! Boston! Capital City! Carson City!
+Wow, he's terrified of you.
+That's why I'm here -- to make sure he gets good grades.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa -- you come to school to help him get good grades? Isn't that why we pay public school teachers those enormous salaries?
+Well, call me over-involved, but some day your son will be my son's chauffeur.
+Well I hope your son enjoys being driven around by the President of the United States.
+Really? Let's see what the future President's doing right now.
+Yeah, you don't see many presidents doing that. Maybe L.B.J. -- you know, at the end.
+It's not your son's fault, it's yours. You have to hover over your kid's shoulder to force him to succeed. It's called "helicopter parenting."
+I don't have to "helicopter" Bart -- I've got a backup plan called "Lisa."
+Oh right, your second grader. Sure she's smart, but how can she be successful if she's not popular?
+Um, do you mind if I join you?
+Well, that depends. What are you eating?
+Baked potato, side salad and a--
+Well, we're having cold shoulder.
+Is this seat taken?
+No, go ahead, take it. Take it way over there.
+Oh my God, my son's a loser and my daughter's a loner. Way to go, Marge!
+Marge, where have you been?
+Well, I...
+No time. I'll just deduce where you were from a list of possibilities in my head.
+That makes sense. Movin' on.
+...if we don't get more involved in their lives, Bart and Lisa are gonna be failures. Failures who work for... Noah!
+Noah. I like that name. No-ahhh. Noah. Noah!
+Aren't you the one that usually worries about stuff?
+If Marge doesn't worry about the kids... then that leaves... me! Help me, mayonnaise!
+Look at all these helicopter parents. I hope Bart's doing okay on his own.
+La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
+There's no future in that!
+Don't forget, children -- Monday is the balsa-wood model-building competition. The American Balsa Council will award this year's winner a thousand-dollar savings bond for their college education.
+A thousand dollars?! That's what my house is worth!
+Bart Simpson, what will you be making?
+I'unno.
+Time to take control of my son's life. Let's see, what can he build...
+Too obvious.
+Gotta be something from Earth.
+You're no help.
+Perfect!
+The Washington Monument?
+Washington Monument.
+I like Bart's idea.
+You're not in this class.
+Willie swept me in here.
+My mistake.
+I did it! I helped my son! Helicopter Homer away!
+Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!
+Lisa, I found this book in the "What's Wrong With My Daughter" section of the bookstore.
+It tells you how you can get popular.
+Dad, if I join a clique, I'll be the kind of person I hate.
+Sweetie, our country was founded by a clique: the Continental Congress. Dolphins swim in cliques. Those are my two examples.
+Hmm, well, they are good ones.
+And to show you how this book works, I will demonstrate on some rats...
+Let's try what chapter seven calls "Un-sults" -- insults disguised as compliments. Hey, Lenny -- it takes a lot of courage to wear suspenders when you're not in the circus.
+Well that's very nice of you-- Hey! You sayin' my clothes are clown-like? Oh God, I feel so insecure! Please be my friend...
+See, it works. And un-sults are just the beginning. There's also envy-tations, hate-hugs, spamming with faint praise and... Hey everyone, wanna go get frozen yogurt?
+I do! / Yeah! / You know it! / Oh boy!
+Ooo, I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean everyone everyone. Hope you don't mind.
+No, oh sure, no, uh no... that's all right.
+If I didn't sell booze, they probably wouldn't even come here.
+And that, my dear girl, is called the Toledo Take-back.
+Dad, I don't want to hurt people's feelings.
+I see. Well, maybe you're not ready for this book. It is more of a big girl thing.
+I'm a big girl! I'm a big girl!
+One of you said something bad about the other.
+He did?!
+Son, you buy an awful lot of airplane glue, but you never buy any models.
+Oh, uh, right, models... one Messerschmitt M.E.-262, '67 S.S. G.T.O., an Alfred E. Neuman with interchangeable arms...
+We'd like some balsa wood, please.
+Enough to build a Washington Monument.
+What scale are you using?
+What cologne are you wearing? None of your business! Now we'd like our Washington Monument to be one five-hundredth the size of the real one.
+Washington Monument? Aren't you gonna even try?
+What do you mean? And who are you?
+I'm your son's principal, and the Washington Monument is the most uninspired model choice there is. It's like saying "I don't care. My kid's a loser."
+But, you...
+What's the hardest model there is?
+Hmm, that would be Westminster Abbey.
+Attention parents, children and childless weirdoes. My son and I are going to build Westminster Abbey!
+You've got to be crazy! / Prepare to be frustrated!
+You won't get past the north transept!
+Hey, how hard can it be? All we have to do is follow the directions.
+Marge, the boy and I will be making Westminster Abbey.
+Blabby's gonna build an Abbey. Groovy.
+But first, as part of "Operation Popularity," Lisa and I are hosting a decorate-your-own-cell-phone party in the back yard.
+Brittany and Kaitlin are here! Where's my spray-on tan?
+Ant poison? Why do I always read the labels after?
+Ladies, we've got it all. Rhinestones, stickers, tassels... everything to make those hundred dollar phones look like five dollar toys.
+Lisa! This party is twisted!
+You're fierce!
+I've never been called "fierce" before. "Strident..." "hectoring" has been tossed around...
+Let me take a picture of you for my cell phone.
+I'll put you on my desktop!
+I'm gonna make you my friend on Facebook. Please confirm.
+Confirm.
+I am such a great parent to both my kids.
+Hello, little girl, who do you belong to?
+Hey boy, why don't I do that for you?
+Isn't this supposed to be my project?
+All the other parents are doing it for their kids. Now stand back and I'll take it from here. A little further back.
+Do you want me to watch and learn?
+Naw, that kinda creeps me out.
+Must finish Poet's Corner... or Bart will work for Noah... with his hot mom...
+That's not Henry the Seventh, it's Henry the Sixth! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
+Homer, don't give up till you finish my dear Abbey.
+Geoffrey Chaucer?! What are you doing here?
+Well I'm buried here! And I want to tell you, you're right to do all Bart's work for him. It's the best thing for the boy.
+That's terrible advice.
+Anne of Cleves!
+What you do for your son, he'll never learn to do for himself.
+Oh, and where is this delightful boy?
+Oscar Wilde?
+Homer, there are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
+But that makes no sense!
+"Experience" is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
+Shut up!
+These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
+Whatever happened to "boo?"
+Now we could smash the real Westminster Abbey so it looks like this.
+There are no flights to London till five!
+Welcome to Springfield Elementary's Next Top Model... building contest.
+Kenny, he said your show!
+I watched it once!
+Now judges, start your nodding!
+Flawless... Stunning... Awe-inspiring... Meticulous...
+Skin-ner!
+These models are clearly the work of meddling parents! The only entry that repels my eye enough to be constructed by a student is this one!
+Congratulations, son. At least you followed the rules.
+Yes! Yes! In your face, losers! This helicopter is taking off!
+No! Stop the hovering!
+I didn't make this terrible model... my dad did.
+Why can't you guys let us do things for ourselves. In the words of Oscar Wilde: "Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes." I saw him too, Dad.
+I'm sorry. I got carried away. From now on the only thing I'll ever do for you is co-sign if you want a gun. But at least I made Lisa popular.
+I H-8 this?
+I'm sorry, Dad. These girls are nice on the surface, but it's hard work staying this shallow. I hope you understand.
+Yeah, it's clear to me now the best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
+No, there's a middle ground.
+Lisa, a light bulb is either on or it's off.
+Not if you use a dimmer switch.
+That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.
+What's wrong, Homie?
+I tried to fix the kids' lives, but instead I led them to rich and rewarding personal decisions of their own.
+Well, I know a place in this house where you can really relax.
+That mattress the dog sleeps on in the cellar?
+No, I gave that to the homeless shelter.
+It was stuffed with cash!
+Well, I'll make you forget all about it.
+Feeling better, Super Dad?
+Oh yeah.
+I feel like I've died and gone to Hell.
+Care to try our new Science Water?
+Ooh. The label is all in lowercase.
+It's like drinking e. e. cummings!
+And each of our flavors is named after a real word!
+Nourish... Vitality... Purple... Potato-Lime... I Love The Nineties... New Car Smell...
+Excuse me, I'm feeling a little... over-hydrated.
+That's normal -- it just means your bladder's full of science. Now if you'll excuse me, our company just went bankrupt.
+Gotta find a place to tinkle.
+Language!
+Schools have bathrooms! And I'm a woman, so my going in unattended won't cause a panic.
+Hey, Mrs. Simpson.
+Ooh! That's Bart's class.
+Lousy teachers.
+Lousy hangover.
+This school has really gone downhill.
+That's an awfully crowded classroom.
+Three... two... one... Okay children, I've just been granted tenure, so I'm gonna sit back and let Ralph teach for a while.
+Class, in what year was one plus one?
+The answer is: "The Amazing Ralph"!
+The only person getting an education here today was me! In how bad it is!
+Mrs. Simpson, let me pour you a drink.
+Scotch? Vodka? Gin? I've got everything you want.
+I want my kids in a decent school!
+Hey, I want the "check engine" light on my dashboard to shut off, but that ain't gonna happen.
+...And because of cutbacks they were combining math with P.E. They were playing dodge book!
+Look at this: Springfield Elementary's rating is so low, it's more than two standard deviations below the norm.
+I can't understand that math reference, because I went to Springfield Elementary!
+My cousin goes to a much better school. He lives in Waverly Hills.
+Oh, their school system's the best. Their auditorium and their gym are two different rooms!
+We can't afford to move to Waverly Hills! Their house prices have commas in them. As it is, our lawn is just green-painted cement.
+I just wish I could go to a school like that -- even for one week. "Tis better to have learned and lost then never to have learned at all."
+What if we got a small apartment there? We wouldn't have to live in it, but we would have a Waverly Hills address.
+Mom, that's brilliant! We could go to a school where special doesn't always mean bad! And where the teachers don't have to moonlight as telemarketers.
+As you know, the music of Air Supply is timeless. And now their fifty biggest hits are on four CDs...
+Wait, wait, wait. You're putting us in a new school?! What about my friends?
+Oh, elementary school friends -- those are forever! You're always gonna be friends with Milhouse. STAND BY ME / OH, STAND BY ME...
+OH, STAND NOW / STAND BY ME / STAND BY MEEEE...
+I need to rent an apartment in the worst part of Waverly Hills -- the crappier, the better.
+Ah, so cheap, eh?
+"Ahso sheepay" to you.
+I can't afford this place -- it's way too fancy.
+Sometimes there's not a train going by.
+Four walls? I was thinking more of something in a two or three.
+No windows, no parking, and a man died here.
+Yeah, um, well, I'm looking at a lot of murder sites right now. Where's the bedroom?
+Right here.
+Tempting. Tempting. Where's the bathroom?
+In the Ethiopian Restaurant at the end of the block.
+I'll take it!
+WAVERLY HILLS / THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE / SQUATTING IN WAVERLY HILLS. / WAVERLY HILLS / GET EDUCATION FRAUDULENTLY / MOOCHIN' OFF WAVERLY HILLS.
+Well, welcome to Waverly Hills. Your children can start school immediately.
+Thank you!
+Now you'll be getting a random visit from the inspector sometime this month.
+The what?
+It's just a formality to make sure you actually live here. Some people use the address just so their kids can go to our schools.
+Ha! I can see them now with their bald heads and their blue-haired wives. How I despise them.
+Uh yeah, well here's our inspector now.
+Call it, friendo.
+Heads. I mean, tails. I mean, on its side.
+Well done. Now, let me validate your parking.
+That's not enough.
+Thank you.
+Goodnight, Marge.
+It's so kind of you to live there so our kids can go to a better school.
+When do I get to move back home?
+You just have to stay there until that psychopathic school inspector makes a surprise visit. You can come home when the heat's off.
+The heat is off. The hissing from the radiator is a snake.
+Please just stay there till Bart graduates high school.
+That's another twenty or thirty years.
+Where am I?
+Wow, your first day at the new school! Lisa, have fun! Bart, don't!
+Look at this place. It's everything I've ever dreamed of: On-campus stables!
+Field trips to Europe!
+Oh my God, look what they serve in the cafeteria!
+Welcome! I'm your new principal, Dr. Bettelheim.
+Ooh, a doctorate!
+Wait! Don't matriculate those students!
+Principal Skinner?
+We need Lisa Simpson at Springfield Elementary. She's our top student and she writes the fun facts in the morning announcements!
+Skin-ner! Bettelheim.
+Superintendent Chalmers?! What are you doing at... another school?!
+Seymour, as superintendent I supervise every school in the district.
+So... you're over-seeing other people?
+I'm sorry if you misunderstood our arrangement.
+What am I supposed to tell our children?
+They already know. And they're happy for me.
+Hey, neighbor. Welcome to the jungle. Also known as Royal Waverly Apartments.
+Brought you a housewarming present.
+That was great. You mind if I use that at work?
+It's yours, my friend.
+Hey, are you into poker?
+Well, I love to play, but I'm not very good. Also, I always forget to cash my chips back in for money.
+This man-crush just got bro-mantic!
+You make words into dudes.
+Guy-five!
+Hi, newbie! I'm Caitlin with a C, this is Katelyn with a K, and this is Kate Lynn two words.
+I'm Lisa. One word.
+So Lisa, what's your favorite Alaska Nebraska song? Mine's "Touch A Star".
+Mine's "Make It Yours: The Star Song".
+Uh, who's Alaska Nebraska?
+Who's Alaska Nebraska?
+Only the greatest sixteen-year-old singer-slash-actress in the world!
+Do you even know how lame you are?
+I should warn you: by using the term "lame," you're violating the Americans With Disabilities Act.
+Ew! That makes you even lamer!
+B plus?!
+Nice work.
+But I always get A's. At my old school, I got so many A's, the teachers didn't even check my work.
+Maybe that's why you got so many A's.
+Bart, at this school, I'm not a brain, I'm not popular, I'm not anything!
+Not to worry, at this school, we've got a clean slate. In fact, I'm establishing my cred right now.
+Gotcha! Take this as a warning, kids. Bart Simpson is the ultimate bad boy. Befriend him and you'll wind up just like him -- a rebel who does what he wants, when he wants. Wow. Come on, tough guy -- let's go.
+He's so bad!
+Okay, I held up my side of the bargain. Now you have to go to Ralphie's birthday party.
+A deal's a deal.
+And you'll stay till we cut the cake.
+Fine. I want one gift bag now, and one when the party's over.
+Fine. You got it.
+You wanted a pow-wow Chief?
+I know you've been dealin' drugs at the high school. But, I'll look the other way if you come to Ralphie's party.
+I ain't gonna pin no tail on no donkey.
+Look, just come to the party. It's gonna be fun. Batman's gonna be there.
+Ba-ba-ba-Batman!?
+I ain't messin' with no Caped Crusader!
+I wonder what he did!
+I heard he burned down his old school!
+I heard he killed a groundskeeper!
+Oh my! That's a bit rough.
+Now to turn my sis from "loser" to "schmoozer."
+Que pasa, ladies?
+You're that bad boy.
+What do you want from us, bad boy?
+Don't tell anyone, but my sister Lisa is best friends with Alaska Nebraska.
+Get out of here! / No way! / You so lie!
+She didn't even know who Alaska Nebraska was.
+Your hair smells nice!
+Duh. She said that because she respects Alaska's privacy. Just as I have no doubt you guys will respect Lisa's privacy.
+We're approaching bandwidth overload, Sir. It's gossip at Waverly Elementary.
+How juicy is it?
+The juiciest!
+Hi, Lisa!
+Hi, Caitlin.
+She knows my name.
+No, she knows my name!
+Bart! Your plan worked!
+My plan was to lie. Lie like hell. And that's what I did.
+Well, well. Seems like someone forgot about a previous engagement at the bowling alley from two to four-thirty.
+Get him. And string him up.
+You have the right to be delighted. If you do not have a gift, one will be provided for you.
+S'open!
+Marge! I'm glad you came. There's a kegger down the hall. We can go as soon as I desecrate this corpse.
+Eat butt, skyboy-ninety-four! I'm sorry, Marge. Where are my manners? Did you want to taunt my kill also? Press the X button.
+Ooh, I'm doing it!
+I'll get us some brewskies.
+Cup, m'lady? Or would you care to funnel it down thy throat?
+Definitely a cup.
+Foam wasn't spilt in a day.
+Dude, your date is hot!
+Does she have a sister?
+Two, actually. Twins.
+Twi-ins!
+I was an astronaut for a little bit. So many rules.
+Listen... I got a place down the hall.
+Let's go.
+So were you two in the same accident or... or what?
+We don't need a bed. We're not gonna be sleeping.
+Woo-hoo!
+We're not the only ones having a good time.
+What in God's name was I thinking?!
+Maybe you could come over again. I'll cook you my special microwave burritos. I stop the oven when the middle is still a little bit frozen.
+You know what a girl likes, mister. So, can I see you again?
+How 'bout you, me and my wife have a two-way?
+Lisa, I re-graded your paper from the other day, and you got an A.
+Really?
+My kid's a huge Alaska Nebraska fan. If she could somehow get an autographed photo or t-shirt, that would be "A-plus" in my book.
+Did you just wink at me?
+Oh look, there are pumpkin stickers on the floor. They must've fallen off your homework for next week, which you don't have to hand in.
+I didn't think I'd get a fresh start like this till junior high!
+L'Ecole, c'est moi!
+Oui. C'est toi!
+Even the Ralph of this school speaks French!
+Au revoir!
+I love Tapas! It's like appetizers for a meal that never comes!
+Try the Flan De Leche De Cabra...
+Be sure to dig around in the gunk.
+A key to your apartment!
+Could you tell I lip-synched that whole speech?
+And I've got a present for you, but you'll have to wait till we're back at the apartment.
+Why can't I have it now? You got your present here. Basic fairness dictates... ...oh!
+Caitlin, hi! Do a reading at your bat mitzvah? A sheynam dank!
+Now my bat mitzvah means something! By the way, I was wondering, there's this Alaska Nebraska concert this weekend, and... the tickets are all sold out.
+Well, if it's sold out, even Alaska Nebraska's best friend couldn't do anything about that. Can't build more seats!
+Then get us backstage passes.
+Surprise! I redecorated!
+Where are my videogames? My X-box?! My Wii?!
+You don't need a Wii now that I'm here. Because you and me make "us."
+You know, you're starting to remind me a lot of my first wife.
+We can talk about that after brunch with my mother.
+Ms. Nebraska, your purified water and fried chicken skins are here.
+I am so tired of fans in my food.
+Alaska, we've never met, but everyone thinks I'm your best friend.
+Wait, wait, let me guess. I'm supposed to give all your best friends front row seats and backstage passes.
+Could you?
+First, riddle me this: what's your favorite episode of my show?
+You have a show?
+Look, can you please, please, help a poor little girl who was just trying to fit in? It's what half your songs are about.
+You know what? I was a little girl who didn't fit in either. So you know what I did? I got a new nose, I got famous, and now I date the starting point guard for the L.A. Clippers. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meditate and smoke.
+Wait! I want to ask you something.
+What movie?
+You know what? I was a little girl who didn't fit in either. So you know what I did? I got a new nose, I...
+That's amazing.
+I know. Security!
+You know, I think those shirts should say "insecurity."
+Because if you feel you have to put what you are on your shirt, then I feel sorry for you. Do you feel sorry for me? Guess not.
+Where have you been? We have mirrors to hang!
+I went to a movie.
+Without me? How'd you get there?
+I drove.
+Without me?
+Sometimes I think this fifty square foot apartment isn't big enough for the both of us!
+Fine! You can have your key back!
+I got it halfway-- Oh, it went back.
+City inspector.
+I'm here to verify that this is the residence of Bart and Lisa Simpson.
+Hurry! Get out the kids' stuff!
+Hello, friendos.
+Here comes Lisa with our backstage passes!
+People, I'm not who you think I am. I'm just a transfer student who wanted to make some friends. Yes, I lied to you, but you only liked me because of a lie. So if you think about it--
+Get the liar!
+Those are last year's shoes! Kill her!
+Also, it's Lisa!
+Kill her twice!
+"Go Dog Go" with pages missing... Lego spaceship poorly assembled... Clearly, this is the home of elementary school children. Too bad. I was looking forward to killing you and making it look like a suicide.
+Thank you, Friendo.
+I am not your friendo.
+But, I thought... you said...
+Mom! Dad! I have to leave Waverly Hills and never come back!
+I've gotta get back, too! I just remembered I was playing hide and seek with Milhouse.
+Three weeks! This has gotta be some kind of record!
+I can't leave my bachelor pad! My bros'll miss me!
+No we won't!
+Your comments when we watch movies aren't funny.
+Why do you watch comedies if you don't want to hear more jokes?
+Please, I just want to go back to a place where I'm ostracized for being me, not for who I pretend to be.
+What do you think, Marge? Maybe we've outgrown our first apartment.
+Yeah. A house in the suburbs does sound pretty nice right now.
+Although, I am gonna miss our little love nest.
+Get a room!
+C'mon, boy! Be cool!
+Be cool or you're grounded!
+My daughter's here for her first mani-pedi.
+Mom, I'm glad you brought me here, but isn't it more important for a woman to be smart and powerful than beautiful?
+A woman can be smart, beautiful and powerful. Like Queen Elizabeth the First! She had it all, except the most important thing.
+Please don't say a man.
+No, a husband!
+The year was 1588.
+Four hundred years before Kirk Gibson would hit his famous home run.
+Queen Elizabeth ruled over all of England.
+Let's see... Gingerbread House... Grandma's House...
+Every eligible bachelor in Europe wanted her hand in marriage.
+Majesty, thy suitors await.
+I don't understand why I need a King.
+So you can pump out a son and then I don't gotta work for no broad no more. Um... My liege.
+Announcing Prince Ralph of Austria!
+Off with my head!
+King Julio of Spain!
+Hello, Queenie baby.
+Forget it. I've seen you making goo-goo eyes at my court jester.
+Well I like a man who can make me laugh. But for you, I'll make an exception.
+Hands off my harlequin! This is fifteen eighty-eight and his material is fresh and hip.
+You have made a big mistake, lady!
+His excellence, Sir Walter Raleigh.
+Your Majesty, I have returned from the New World with a gift -- this healthful and slimming herb...tobacco.
+If I ever have sex, this'll be great afterwards.
+I'll show those uppity English food-boilers. What is the status of my armada?!
+A hundred and twenty of the finest killing machines ever built.
+Ooo, not bad, not bad at all! Now, take me to the real ones.
+Those are the real ones.
+Watch out, England! No, have mercy, M'Lord! Never!
+Guards! Take him away and put things inside of him!
+Nice things?
+No, not nice things!
+Allow me.
+Ooo, you have the strength of a plow horse, but the charm of a cart horse!
+Treason!
+Ah, here we are.
+How dare you make out under my crenellations while I make out not? Don't you know that I love you?! I've always loved you.
+Um, which one of us are you talking to?
+I'm not sure. Both, neither, what difference does it make? Take them to the tower!
+Whoa, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again. Oh it's you, your Majesty. The uh, the Spanish armada sails for England!
+Armada? What's armada?
+Nothing. What's-armada with you? Seriously though, we're in real trouble here.
+Come, Tea Biscuit!
+The time of battle grows nigh.
+So, here's us...and a whole lotta them.
+It's probably a little too early to be standing under this.
+Lord Jesus, although our country turned Protestant for the sole reason that our fat, mean king could dump his faithful wife, we know you're on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe your mother should be revered.
+Abandon ship!
+Normally I love to see flaming dreamboats heading my way... but not like this, baby! Not like this!
+For destroying the Spanish Armada...
+I dub thee Sir Sir Walter Raleigh.
+And I grant you two my blessing.
+Your Majesty, it's so kind of you to give up the one man you truly loved.
+I don't need a man...for I have... England!
+Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
+You keep soaking. We're going to Koo Koo Roo, which in our language means nothing.
+Lisa, you are going to look so pretty.
+Thank you, but I know a story of a dangerous obsession with female beauty. It's called "Snow White and the Seven..."
+Excuse me! The story you're about to tell is the copyrighted property of The Walt Disney Corporation.
+Can you sharpen these?
+Excuse me, but Snow White is a fairytale from hundreds of years ago. No one owns that.
+Are there any dwarves in your story?
+Yes. But they're my own original creation.
+There's Crabby...Drunky...Hungry!
+...Greedy!
+...Lenny!
+...Kearney!
+...and Doc...tor Hibbert.
+HO-HI! HO-HI! / IT'S OFF TO WORK GO I / THIS SONG'S NOT LIKE / ANY SONG YOU KNOW / HO-HI! / HO-HI! / HO-HI! / HO-HI!...
+Little did they know, their lives are about to be changed forever by a wicked queen.
+HDTV on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?
+You would do in a pinch, my Queen. But Snow White's the fairest I have seen. Also, there's a weather girl on channel nine who's
+Bring me Snow White's heart in this box.
+What'll I do with the rest of the body?
+Put it in this box. Then you'll get your reward.
+Now turtle, I'll need you to get in the soup.
+I... I... I canna do it!
+Run, lassie! Find wee little men and hide with them!
+Now to fool the queen with a pig's heart.
+I... I canna do it.
+Maybe I'll make her a heart out of construction paper.
+I... I... I canna do it!
+All that walking made me sleepy.
+This bed's too hard. This bed's too soft. And this bed is jusssst... like the first one: also too hard. I guess I'll sleep in the one that's too soft.
+HO-HI / HO-HI / IT'S TIME TO NOW GET HIGH / WE'LL TAKE SOME SHROOMS AND GO TO OUR ROOMS...
+There's something in our house!
+Let's put a pickaxe in its brain!
+You're in marketing. Why do you even bring an axe?
+If you were in marketing, you'd know.
+She's be-yoo-tiful.
+Maybe she's been placed under some kind of a curse.
+And all that will wake her is the kiss of a handsome...
+I'm awake! I'm awake already!
+Guess it's you and me again, doorknob.
+Goodbye!
+Now beware of the Evil Queen. She's a master of disguise. She could be anyone!
+I'll be careful.
+No, no, no, that's too much! Go back outside!
+Who are you?
+Care for an apple?
+Okay. Um... I'll take a green one.
+No, take the red one.
+Take a bite, dearie.
+Uh-oh. You'll never take me alive!
+Ooh, herbivores. I'm so scared.
+So Snow White slept and waited for her prince to come... but he never did.
+Because a woman shouldn't have to depend on a man. Snow White was brought back to life, by a lady doctor.
+And she lived happily ever after?
+Well, she couldn't indulge in strenuous activities like handball, but otherwise she was fine.
+That's nice.
+Marge, I need some bribe money!
+Well, don't say it so loud!
+All I have are some dry-cleaning coupons.
+Thanks, Marge. But don't forget, there's still gonna be a civil suit.
+Lisa, let me tell you the story of a great woman held back by a not-so-great husband.
+Macbeth!
+Out, damn'd spot! Out, I say!
+Marge, please. If you don't like getting barbecue sauce out of a leotard, why'd you get into show business? Think before you do.
+I wouldn't be stuck washing costumes if my husband had a better role.
+Well, I may be playing a tree but at least I'm getting my face out there.
+I thought I was marrying a man who could play Macbeth.
+Hey, there's no way I could ever be as good as that guy.
+Stars, hide your fires! / Let not light see my black and deep desires.
+Mel's like the son Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud always wanted but never had. But oh how they tried.
+I think Mel would be happier as an understudy. A six-feet-understudy.
+You're not suggesting... murder.
+Wouldst thou live a coward in thine own esteem, letting "I dare not" wait upon "I would?"
+Whatever you say, sweetie.
+Snore. Snore.
+A prop knife!
+Out, out, brief candle! / Life's but a walking shadow...
+He who laughs last, laughs dead.
+Why does everyone around here talk that crazy talk?
+That "crazy talk" is the work of the immortal Bard, William Shakespeare.
+Well, if you see him in heaven, tell him he sucks.
+As you all know, this afternoon, the bone fell out of Mel's hair and beat him to death. Let us observe a moment of silence. Moment over. Homer, you got the lead!
+Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more / By Sinel's death I know I am thane of Glamis... uh, To-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow... today's Tuesday, so that would make it Friday, and then, uh... Shakespeare!
+You don't even know your lines!
+Conrad Birdie? Coming here to Sweet Apple?!
+That's "Bye-Bye Birdie"!
+"Dammit, Morpheus. Not everyone believes what you believe."
+That's the screenplay for "The Matrix Reloaded".
+I can't wait for the reviews!
+Tonight the Springfield Community Playhouse was bathed in the light of a brilliant new star... Dr. Hibbert as Banquo?!
+Who the hell is Banquo?
+He's the one getting the good reviews! Which makes him the next one you've got to kill.
+Wouldn't it be easier if I just took acting lessons?
+Screw your courage to the sticking-place and we'll not fail.
+That's inspiring. What's that from? X-Men 2?
+Macbeth!
+Mac-who?
+This number is for emergencies only.
+"In last night's 'Macbeth,' the best performance was Barney Gumbel as Duncan, followed by Duffman as MacDuff, Lenny Leonard as Lennox, Eddie and Lou as the two soldiers without lines, then last and least, the lead, Homer Simpson."
+Why do they write a new review of this play every single day?
+All I heard was more names of actors you haven't killed. Unless you're not man enough.
+No, dear. I'm a man, dear.
+KILLING MAKES ME HUN-GRY
+EATING MAKES ME THIRS-TY
+DRINKING MAKES ME SLEE-PY
+Why did he have to kill everyone in their costumes?
+It was you who killed us. You!
+No, it was Homer!
+Your dark ambition guided his murderous hand!
+No, I just encouraged him.
+Encouraged by withholding sex! Sex!
+Well, at least you can't nag me anymore.
+That's where you're wrong! Get out on that stage!
+Okay Homer, it's our last performance, you're the only actor that's still alive, and there's nobody in the audience -- this is your moment. I'll be in my office going over the books on my Subway sandwich franchise. You call a sandwich maker an artist, it's like an invitation to steal! A guy's goin' nani-nooni bananas in there!
+It's my moment.
+To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools. The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player. That struts and frets his hour upon the stage. And then is heard no more.
+Oh Homie, you were brilliant. I knew you could do it. I knew it...
+Take my hand, Homer. And wave goodbye to fat you.
+Now nothing will stop you from taking on all of Shakespeare's greatest roles: King Lear... Hamlet...
+Othello... Richard The Third...
+Henry the Fourth, Part One... Henry The Fourth, Part Two...
+Henry The Fifth... Titus Andronicus...
+Me having to read all those plays would be the real tragedy.
+That's it, three stories. That's what we always tell.
+Looks like Maggie wants a story too.
+Ooo, "The Fountainhead."
+Mom, isn't that book the bible of right-wing losers?
+Yeah, but the guy on the book jacket is one sexy slice of beefcake.
+So, anyway, this is the story of Maggie Roarke, an architect who refused to compromise.
+Now children, while I do traffic school online, you'll be playing with blocks.
+Maggie's genius and creativity far exceeded that of the others. And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm her mother.
+But her teacher, Mr. Ellsworth Toohey, wanted every child to conform.
+Banal. Very banal. Ooo, wonderfully pedestrian.
+Oh, oh, this isn't right. Maggie, dancers shouldn't kick too high, and buildings mustn't reach the sky.
+There. Well, hmm. Your rubble is still a little bit higher than the others. So let's just...
+Welcome to the real world, baby.
+He would not let Maggie's creativity flower:
+Mediocrity rules!
+Alright, Maggie. Today is parent-teacher day. So I want everyone to see how uncreative and beaten-down you've become. That's right, you're beaten-down. Yes, you are!
+Goodbye, fat me.
+I don't know how you put up with all these kids, Toohey. If I were you there'd be a lot of strangled babies.
+Now let's see what your children have done, shall we? Don't brace yourself, you will believe your eyes.
+You will be tried as a toddler!
+Babies and gentlemen of the jury... this child's crime was to remind the rest of us that we are merely ordinary. When a blade of grass rises above the others do we applaud it -- no, we cut it down! I recommend nine time-outs: served consecutively!
+Throughout the ages, the finger painter, the Play-Doh sculptor, the Lincoln-logger, stood alone against the daycare teacher of her time. She did not live to earn approval stickers. She lived for herself, that she might achieve things that are the glory of all humanity. These are my terms: I do not care to play by any other's. And now, if the court will allow me, it's nap time.
+Maggie grew up to be a world-famous architect.
+Her building became one of the wonders of the world.
+And on the very top floor was a daycare center...
+Where every child was free to follow their dream. Because nothing is... Maggie! Get away from there!
+Bad baby!
+HO-HI / HO-HI / IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE / IF DISNEY SUES / WE'LL CLAIM "FAIR USE" / HO-HI / HO-HI, HO-HI, HO-HI.... HO-HI / HO-HI / THERE'S NOTHING WE WON'T TRY / WE'LL GET TAKE-OUT / AND THEN MAKE OUT / WE'RE BI / WE'RE BI WE'RE BI, WE'RE BI...
+Milhouse, watch me make a loser lose it.
+Customers! How I hate them.
+Excuse me, I just heard that before Spider-Man was a movie it was a comic book. Is that possible?
+Suffering Steve Ditko! How can you not know that Spider-Man first appeared in 1962's classic "Amazing Fantasy Number Fifteen."
+Ooh, twelve cents. I'll take eight!
+What the? You idiot! Mint condition copies are like forty thousand dollars each! Must... lie down... on pile of unsold Hulk hands.
+Hulk smash! Hulk smash! Hulk smash!
+Huh. What's this?
+Everyman? He's not a hero from Marvel, D.C., Image or WildStorm.
+It was a typical day for delivery man Avery Mann. Until...
+Help! Bank robbers!
+Shut your yap!
+Time for this average man to disappear...
+Look at that fat guy -- beatin' it like an egg.
+Yeah, he's scramblin' like an egg.
+Laugh while you can.
+Everyman absorbs the powers of every superhero whose comic book he touches!
+Power-Absorption Power: absorb!
+It's just a flyin' fatso -- keep robbin'.
+Good afternoon, gentlemen.
+Ha-ha-ha-haaa!
+Put me in Sing-Sing! It's safer!
+Hm... perfect.
+Plastic Man! Absorb!
+Everyman will stop every crime every time! And I... am... Everyman!
+Put my comic down.
+You made this?
+Shut up! No one is interested in the critical judgment of a worthless child...
+Actually, I like it.
+You what now?
+Everyman is awesome! Reading it I escaped from my troubles! Now they're back in spades.
+Have you shown this to anyone?
+No. If copies got out, it would be ridiculed by the online community -- SonofSonofSpock, TheDorkKnight, and IkilledKenny6475.
+Don't be afraid of them. They're just Lame-os like yourself.
+Two of them are me.
+Very well! I... shall... self-publish!
+How many issues have you written?
+Oh, uh, just three hundred and thirty-five, including the controversial number two-eighty-nine, featuring the death of Marmaduke.
+Comic Book Guy's been writing these for years. Who knew a troubled person could be creative?
+Yeah, still waters run deep.
+I'm so rich. I'm so rich.
+All right, what's our next big summer franchise? Come on.
+You want an original idea?
+Yes! Let your imaginations run free! Something that's never been a movie before but feels like it has.
+Extension cords! / Mixed nuts! / Car keys!
+We've already made everything that could possibly be a movie into a great movie. There's nothin' left!
+Dad, can we go? I've watched all the DVDs in the Bentley.
+Jonah, what's that in your hand?
+Oh, big surprise that you don't know what this is. It's only "Everyman" -- the coolest comic book ever.
+What are his powers?
+All of them.
+That's it! Our next big summer movie will be "Everyman"!
+Uh, Marv? Ginormous Pictures bought the rights to Everyman three weeks ago.
+Dammit!
+We at Ginormous Pictures are incredible fans and think "Everyman" would make a fantastic movie.
+You sure that guy who created Everyman's gonna like this?
+Oh really? The way you thought "Stratego" would make a good movie? You'd expect us to believe that a red scout would date a blue general? Guffaw!
+Hey, don't blame us -- Brett Ratner had final cut.
+I'm well aware of who had what cut.
+Let me get to the point. It is not money I am after. Or women -- I know that is impossible. What I want is to pick the actor who will play Everyman.
+No can do.
+Thank you.
+But we never give--
+Thank you.
+They'll laugh us out of Hollywood.
+I repeat: Thank you.
+Fine. You got it.
+Thank you.
+I played hardball with Hollywood! The closest I will ever come to playing a sport in my life!
+"Wherever there's a crime to be solved, I will be there to solve... ...it!" And there's more, but my fax machine ran out of ink so I can't read it. Do you know where you can buy ink for an Amiga brand fax machine?
+Thank you, that was great.
+You wanna see it any other way? Like sad, or Brooklyn, or "Richard Nixon voice?"
+But I already bought a boat with the money you were gonna pay me!
+Come on, Comic Book Guy -- you've gotta pick someone. We've already read three people.
+Don't you latté-sipping leeches understand? I've seen enough of these Hollywood super-hunks -- we need a dumpy, unappealing loser -- an everyman!
+Can you help me out? I need change for a dollar. Oh, I also need a dollar.
+You... Are... Acceptable!
+Great! Do you want to see me naked?
+Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
+Let's go around the table, and everybody say one amazing thing that happened to them today. Lisa?
+Well, I qualified for the National Math Bee--
+Great. Okay. Marge, go.
+Guess who the garden club elected president?
+You? Awesome. Next.
+No. I lost.
+Eh, they can go to Hell. Bart?
+Dr. Hibbert found out my thyroid isn't pumping out enough--
+Time's up! Okay, Maggie: "suck, suck," that takes us to... me.
+Some Hollywood idiots hired me to star in a movie!
+Homer, we have a problem.
+Fine. I'll give back the Oscars I stole from the lobby.
+Do you want the Golden Globe?
+No. Nooo.
+But we have a bigger problem.
+Homer, my brother and I showed this picture of you to a cross-section of typical moviegoers.
+Not one thought you looked like a superhero.
+Several people stared at the sun, attempting to blind themselves.
+Stared at the sun. Against every animal instinct they had.
+We need you to slim down, muscle up and become the "Everyman" people want to be instead of the one they actually are.
+I don't know if I can. I'm a yo-yo dieter: "Yo, hot dog man!" "Yo, peanuts!" Why aren't you laughing? Don't you know what "yo" means?
+Maybe...I can help Lyle McCarthy.
+Finally, the answer to my problem. What do you do?
+He's the trainer to the stars.
+Here's what Brad and Angelina looked like before they met me.
+Hm, they look good with a little meat on their bones.
+Come with me.
+Him? He's gone Hollywood.
+A lot of people have come to this town and changed. But not me.
+Now excuse me, I have to read a story to my adopted Cambodian baby.
+Nannies, produce the child and the story!
+Hello, Prius -- give daddy a kiss.
+Homer, do you know why you eat?
+Because I'm swallowing my frustrations and disappointments?
+Something bad happens and you cope by cramming a donut in your mouth.
+Yeah, well you don't always have time to masturbate .
+I'm gonna teach you healthy emotional alternatives to eating. We don't have much time, so we'll do it in a montage to the song "Eye of the Tiger."
+Oh, that song's a little on the nose. Can we do it to David Bowie's "Heroes?"
+Yeah, it's your montage.
+This montage sounds really exhausting. How 'bout I just do a walking around sad montage?
+A montage of me turning a ragtag Little League team into state runners-up?
+Me using funny modes of transportation like a hot air balloon and a camel, and finally a pickup truck full of chickens? Then I get out of the truck and go thank the driver, but then I see the driver is a chicken?
+Let's just skip ahead a month.
+Ten thousand one, ten thousand two... aaaand fit.
+I gotta take this. Tobey! Cider house rules! Total wuss. Seabiscuit, you keepin' off the sugar cubes? I hate this guy. I love this guy! Tobe, Tobe, Tobe, we talked about this -- if the rice ain't brown, don't chow down! Look, I gotta bail, I'm with Everyman right now. No, no, no, no, no don't worry, he totally sucks! I'm only lying to him. Goodbye! Bad-bye.
+Was that Tobey Maguire?
+But how will I keep from overeating?
+Hey, Home Town Buffet, like I told John Travolta, my client list is private. You know what, enough chitchat. Hit the pole!
+Stripper up! Fireman down!
+And sexy! Heroic! Sexy! Heroic! And sexy! Heroic! Earn that money!
+Found this on the roof.
+Well, I think we've seen the last of the Purple Pariah. Thanks, Everyman!
+Don't thank me -- thank Captain America...for giving me the patriotism to want to save the President's life. And thank Wonder Woman....for giving me the boobs to distract the guards.
+And cut!
+What'd you think, kids?
+That was awesome!
+Although there were a few holes in the story.
+That's the problem when you have seventeen writers. But don't worry, we have two fresh ones working on it.
+Oh, Homie... take your shirt off again.
+There's less of you to love, but I love you even more.
+What was that?!
+Your other hand.
+Cut! Terrific. Bring in the next helicopter.
+Awesome performance, Homer. I smell Oscar.
+Oscar! Take a shower! Or a tomato bath, or something. Please!
+This life is the greatest. I get paid a fortune, I've got a closet full of free sneakers and watches, and I get to hire my friends.
+At least you get to see my face, unlike Carl.
+I'm being paid to do what I love!
+A lot of things come and go in life. But not fame and fitness.
+Homer? Homer Sapian! Can I have a word with you? I know this is a bad time, but I'm leaving for another gig.
+Is that all this temporary job was to you: a gig?
+Don't take it personally, Home-team.
+Just remember what I taught you.
+But you taught me the only people who can stay thin are those who can afford five thousand dollar a week nutritional consultants.
+I have taught you well. Goodbye!
+He's gone.
+One cheese cube couldn't hurt.
+Oh. This other cheese cube's stuck to the first one. Well, that still technically counts as one.
+It's bad luck to eat an even number of cheese cubes.
+Don't look at me. Don't look at me!
+You. You watch.
+Avery, I swear, you're the only man in Gothamopolis who's never seen Everyman.
+Well, one thing's for sure: I'm not Everyman.
+This is a disaster!
+I'm getting a bad feeling about this film: the star's overweight, we're way over-budget, and the grasshopperaptor we built seems to have developed an evil mind of its own.
+Oh Marge! I'm ready for some lovin'!
+Come and get me.
+Marge, speak to me.
+I think you may have put on a little weight.
+Nag, nag, nag.
+Apu, I have to lose weight now. Do you have anything that'll make me vomit?
+Well, I don't know. I might have some milk that has expired.
+Ah, here we are... a delightful buttermilk from nineteen sixty-one.
+Oh, sixty-one. Everyone was twisting again like they did the previous summer.
+Whatever you do, do not chew the chunks.
+Hoo boy. Clean up in aisles three... two... one...
+And action! Cut! Where's Homer?
+In his trailer.
+He won't come out?
+He can't come out.
+This film is an embarrassment of Jar-Jarrian magnitude!
+As the writer, I demand to express my opinion!
+I'm afraid that's not gonna happen.
+I see. Well, I respect that and... Vulcan death grip!
+Hollywood ponytail yank!
+My only sin was believing in George Clooney!
+How ya doin', man?
+I think we have a clunker here. And I should know, I produced "Bad Summer Movie," the parody of bad summer movies that was itself a bad summer movie.
+Don't worry, we fixed everything with editing.
+Editing solves everything. Except my problems with the I.R.S.
+Yeah, how's that going?
+Everyman! Show yourssself!
+I'm right here! I've been here all along!
+Half the shots he's fat, half the shots he's thin. It's taking me out of the moment. Like when you're kissing a girl and she burps.
+Who was in charge of continuity on this picture?
+I tried to show them the Polaroids -- they wouldn't look!
+It's your job to get their attention! Nobody takes responsibility anymore.
+Well, I... I just wanted to get back into the business after I had my kids.
+Yeah, well, now those kids have an embarrassment for a mother.
+Homeboy!
+What happened, dude? You went from Everyman to Everywhereman.
+What happened is you left! Who did you leave me for? Tell me. I can take it.
+Okay. It was Turtle from "Entourage."
+I knew it!
+Come on, Home Run. It's okay, Home Alone. Look, I'm sorry. Let me make this up to you. I'll train you. Then leave you again. Then come back and train you.
+It's how I make my money.
+Just you and me?
+You, me and Turtle.
+That could work.
+He is a great guy. He's an awful guy.
+You just said both those things to me.
+I'm sorry. I'm not sorry.
+Look Comic Book Guy, about the movie... we know it's not great.
+Yeah, the projectionist hung himself with the final reel.
+But you created "Everyman." Your fans will think whatever you tell them.
+If you put the word out that this movie is good, we'll let you direct the sequel!
+You would let me direct "Everyman 2: Rise of the Revenge"?
+Absolutely -- all you have to do is tell your army of internet dweebs to go see this movie.
+Sell my soul for Hollywood lucre or stay true to my lofty ideals.
+"Everyman" the motion picture is the culmination of a lifelong dream. And I was one of the few who saw that dream realized on screen last night. If there is one fault to find with this two hundred million dollar production, it is that this is...
+...the worst. Movie. Ever! And "send!"
+And sip!
+Though legislation was passed to insure Everyman was never seen on screens again, he remains in the hearts of every man, woman and child looking for justice. Or just hoping to see bad people beaten up.
+I'm so cold.
+This'll be a good day. This'll be a good day. This'll be a good day.
+And five, and six... Oh yeah!
+Your man is gonna love those sexy new abs!
+IT'S JUST ANOTHER DAYYY!
+Check it out!
+That crazy lady's singing a million-year-old song!
+Okay Edna, remember: if you can teach one kid one thing, then today will be a success.
+Now class...class...class, please pay attention!
+Text "Uncle"! Text "Uncle"!
+You're children! Why do you all need cell phones?!
+Safety. /
+Emergencies. / Safety.
+Educational.
+Could you at least set them to vibrate?
+That's it: everything in the box!
+No more gizmos in this class! They're all going in the drawer with the biology frogs!
+Okay. We'll call your bluff. Teach us. Using only the knowledge in your own head.
+Hey, don't worry, we still have the good old classroom computer!
+Who wants to play "Word Jammers"?
+My stroked-out grandfather has more memory than that thing!
+How's he doing?
+Better. Thanks.
+How could Krabappel take my cell phone? I'm only on month one of a sixty-month plan!
+You know, Krabappel just needs to chill out and realize life is cool. But how?
+Okay, now I'll be the dog and you be the daddy.
+Hmm... You know, my dad is a lot more fun after a few beers.
+Maybe Mrs. K would be nicer if we "Irish" up her coffee.
+Put blood in it?
+No, booze. First the easy part: kids, get some liquor.
+Hurry! She's almost done flirting with the vending machine guy!
+What if she tastes the booze?
+Relax. Hazelnut creamer covers all sins.
+And that's why I found "Goodnight Gorilla" to be the perfect summer beach read.
+Two stars for you.
+And an extra, 'cause you're gonna have a hard life.
+THIS OLD MAN, HE PLAYED ONE! HE PLAYED NICK-KNACK ON MY... THUMB!
+You look tired. Maybe you need some more coffee.
+YOU'LL BE GOING BACK TO DENMARK/ SPAIN AND URUGUAY/ AND WE PROMISE THAT WE'LL WRITE YOU/ BUT YOU KNOW THAT THAT'S A LIE...
+Hey! You know why they call it a choir? Because "choir" we listening to this crap?
+These pantyhose are all twisted up.
+Edna, please! Even the union can't protect you from this.
+Give me one night, Dewey, I'll get you off Broadway!
+Edna, let's go.
+Uh-oh. Do you think we went too far?
+Nah. Booze only makes you do things you already wanted to do.
+I'm queen of the world!
+I'm so sorry. I really don't know what happened.
+You made quite a nanny goat of yourself yesterday!
+I know I did, but I don't know why.
+This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I'm letting you go.
+Seymour... I'm gonna cry.
+Here, take my hanky.
+Yes, you have. What are these?
+All thanks to... "The Answer"!
+I'm working on my magic act for the Faculty Follies. But right now I don't feel much like follying.
+Could I have a moment alone?
+Of course.
+There's a form to extend your health insurance on my desk.
+I never wanted her to get fired.
+I bet it was that hamster medicine we added that put her over the edge.
+Maybe I should tell Skinner that it was our...
+Needle scratch!
+My name is Zachary Vaughn. I just got my masters in education from Tufts University -- and you are my first class ever!
+An M. Ed. from Tufts? Nice.
+But why talk when I could text?
+Our cell phones!
+Our blueteeth!
+My tip calculator!
+That text was totally worth the fifteen cents it cost to receive it!
+...then Zack Skyped us, live-blogged our spelling bee, and friended us on Facebook!
+I thought you were studying the Lincoln-Douglas debates?
+You mean the L-man-D-dog flame wars?
+I'm glad you've got such a stimulating substitute, but I'm worried about Mrs. Krabappel.
+Oh, no worries. I heard on the four-square court she's doin' great.
+No one even plays four-square anymore -- they just gossip.
+All right, who can tell me what the Monroe doctrine was?
+The policy of President Monroe, that America has the right as a nation to...
+Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me you memorized that fact when anyone with a cell phone can find it out in thirty seconds?
+I-I... I've crammed my head full of garbage!
+Those are smiley stickers. Mrs. Krabappel used to put them on our papers as a reward for good work.
+I run a paperless classroom. Check this out.
+But, this is just nonsense punctuation.
+Oh my God!
+Anybody want to return these caveman kudos to Mrs. Krabappel?
+Oh sure... it's sorta on my way home. I can check up on the old girl. She probably landed a job at some fancy-schmancy prep school.
+Make way for the new freshman! Where do I find the books, the booze and the broads?
+Hey Dean, how about a little privacy? I've got to matriculate.
+Door's broken!
+Mrs. K? Is everything all right?
+Sure. Never better.
+I know, Bart. It's pretty sad to see your teacher fallen so low.
+It's the movie. It's so funny.
+Sir, this is a benefit to increase our endowment.
+Honey, if we increase your endowment any more, we'll all be in the shade. Hey, you're all right.
+Hey, everyone. Dessert's on me!
+Sorry. Sorry.
+Thanks for bringing over the smiley stickers, Bart. They really livened the place up.
+Mrs. K., you've gotta get outta here. When was the last time you washed your hair?
+Hmm... Two weeks ago?
+Well, that's better than me. But still, you've gotta get out.
+What's the point? Out of work. I'm out of money. No man wants me, except Disco Stu.
+Disco Stu is about more than just disco. I'm also super Christian!
+Okay look, there's a big football game on tonight, so we can get this thing over real quick. Show me some of Bart's artwork, give me a little false hope, and here's a little something to help with his grades.
+I'm not asking for A's. Just incompletes.
+Mr. Simpson, I don't need your money. Bart can definitely be a challenge, but I like challenges. And he... he's got a wild sense of humor. Look at this picture he drew:
+It will be his last birthday if he keeps drawing pictures like this.
+I said, are there any areas that we, his parents, can improve upon?
+Yes. Just one: relax. You're clearly a caring father.
+You're the first teacher that ever got me.
+Let it out. Let it out.
+Keep it in. Keep it in.
+Two hot chocolates. With hot fudge boost.
+Milhouse... we ruined Edna's life. Maybe we can get her job back.
+But we can't lose Zack! Look at the awesome video he just emailed me.
+Check out the multiples of seven y'all.
+There's got to be some other way to help Mrs. K.
+Maybe we can find an answer in this bookstore.
+Bookstores don't have answers. They just have creepy guys sitting in easy chairs at the end of aisleways.
+I ain't paid for Doris Kearns Goodwin in my life and I ain't gonna start now. Oh, that's some good Doris there.
+You're right. I guess no one's ever written a book to help a middle-aged woman turn her life around.
+Excuse me. I believe you boys are looking for... "The Answer."
+What's "The Answer?"
+Only the best-selling book slash DVD since the Bible.
+My life was over. I lost my job. My husband left me. I had to sleep in a kangaroo's pouch. And then I found... "The Answer."
+"The Answer" was discovered by the philosophers of ancient Greece, who hid it under a rock where it was discovered by the knights of King Arthur, who placed it in a bottle and set it in the ocean, where it was found by Pat Sajak.
+These great men knew the answer:
+The Answer is the secret to achieving your heart's desire.
+Learn "The Answer" and change your life.
+Available wherever dubious, quasi-scientific self-help books are sold.
+So, um, you're wearing the same bathrobe you were the last time I was here. That's cool.
+Bart, you're a good kid. You're the only one who came to see me.
+Well, Mrs. K. I have just the book slash DVD for you. "The Answer."
+This book uses the ancient power of wanting.
+That makes absolutely no sense.
+Hey... "Just because we don't understand electricity, doesn't mean we can't enjoy its benefits."
+But we do understand electricity. Every positively charged nucleus is--
+Cut it out. You're not a teacher anymore.
+Way to cheer me up, kid.
+Look, Mrs. K, I'm a Simpson. And a Simpson never gives up until he's tried at least one easy thing. Let me help you.
+So, did you write your dream on the index card of fate?
+Yes. But it still seems stupid.
+I want to own a muffin store. Great idea! Now let's see...
+"Break your dream down into smaller 'wishes,' then break those down into 'wish-able actions.'"
+Bart, this is starting to sound like one of those loony self-help books.
+Loony? Would a loony self-help book come with a magic question mark inside?
+Eh? Eh? Eh?
+Well, opening this store was a lot of work. But your faith in me got me through it. And it looks like you've got your own index card of fate. What's your dream?
+Nothing, nothing.
+Well, I'm sure it'll come true.
+One cran-bran for the Flan-man.
+My pleasure.
+What did he want?
+Beats me, I just gave him a banana.
+Well, thanks again, Bart -- this store has definitely turned my life around.
+Yep. I'm off the hook now.
+What do you mean by that?
+Well, I guess I can tell you... 'cause everything worked out for the best...
+Everything? What everything?
+Well, it's funny, really. I'm the one who put booze in your coffee and got you fired.
+You did what?!
+Please don't kill me.
+You ruined my life! It's your fault I have to work at this stupid muffin store.
+But this place was your dream!
+My real dream was to be a teacher -- and you got me fired! Now I'm up to my eyeballs in debt with this stupid store, and four more muffin stores just opened on this block!
+But-but-but, you found "The Answer!"
+Nooo! I wrote a phone number in there!
+No matter what you've done, I always thought there was a spark of decency in you, Bart Simpson. But I was wrong. I never thought I'd say this to a child, but you are bad on the inside.
+Dad... am I bad on the inside?
+No... but the layers of bad on your surface go almost all the way to the center.
+But you think there's like a kernel of good inside me, right?
+Hm, I don't know -- kernels are kind of big.
+Listen... I was thinking...if someone did a really bad thing to one teacher... and then did the same bad thing to another teacher to get the first teacher her job back, would it be okay?
+When you say "teacher," do you really mean "parent?"
+No, I mean teacher.
+Great. Go nuts. But remember, we never had this discussion.
+What discussion?
+The one we just had about you doing bad things, you stupid kid! Ohhh.
+...so you see, it was my fault. I got Mrs. Krabappel drunk. And then I was gonna do the same thing to Zack, but I decided it was better to just tell the truth.
+Bart, you deserve a reward for telling the truth, and that reward will be in the form of a severe punishment.
+Doesn't matter, as long as Edna gets her job back.
+Sorry, Bart. But I can't just get rid of a teacher if he's doing a good job. Or an adequate job. Or just shows up and doesn't touch anyone.
+I hate child-ren! I hate child-ren! Chil-dren suck! Chil-dren suck!
+What the-- faculty lounge talk out in the halls?
+Who do I hate? I hate--
+--child-ren! I hate child-ren! You and you and you and you and you! You are wasting your lives! Hilary Swank didn't graduate high school, she won two Oscars! And one of them she deserved!
+Bart, you said you didn't get him drunk.
+I didn't. I swear!
+No, he's right. I mixed a little vodka in with my Blue Bronco.
+Does anybody else want to ride the Indigo pony!
+Is there extra credit in it?
+Oh, they're gonna eat you alive at Cal Tech, boy. Alive!
+Oh yeah!
+THIS PLACE IS A PRISON! / ALL YOU KIDS ARE SCREWED! / KIDS AND VODKA!
+Y'owwwww!
+It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.
+Get off me! You can get rid of me, but you can't get rid of the truth, man! This school is a glorified hamster wheel run by incompetent bureaucrats who can get you through a test -- but you will fail the test of life!
+Children! Fingers in your ears and makes the "la-la" sound.
+Every class is a joke. English, a joke! Homeroom, a joke! Free period, a joke! Nutritious lunch, a joke!
+La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
+Only alcohol can make life bearable! You must drink! Always drink!
+Well, class, I've gotta say I'm glad to be back.
+And there's no hard feelings?
+Nope. Now, everyone enjoy one of my yummy muffins.
+But it's stale.
+Eat the muffin.
+A simple schoolteacher found fulfillment and muffin-based revenge all thanks to... the answer.
+Oh Marge, how did you ever come up with an idea like "crazy bowling?"
+I googled "girls having fun," and after wading through ninety-seven thousand pages of porn, I found "crazy bowling."
+That's odd. There isn't a single man in this whole bowling alley.
+It's pretty sad when I can't pick up a guy on Super-Nacho Tuesday. Where'd they all go?
+Oh, you know men... probably at a baseball game or a bar.
+Oh, he hit him!
+THEY DID THE MONSTER MA-- / THEY DID THE MONSTER MA-- / THEY DID THE MONSTER MA--
+Come on, ya pansies! I've seen fiercer fights in Parliament!
+Yes, what is this, "Prime Minister's Question Time?"
+Yeah -- is it that?
+Woo hoo! There's no better violence than self-inflicted violence!
+Thanks for bringing me here, Dad. I'll remember this day on my deathbed.
+Not everyone has a deathbed, son -- you could die suddenly.
+Whoa. Maybe some punk kid will shoot me to get into a gang.
+Three hours of half-naked guys fightin' like animals.
+Just like the ancient Romans.
+Yeah, except their empire was falling apart.
+Stupid Romans.
+Ask him.
+Sir, could you sign my program with a swear word?
+Ah yes, filthy, but obscure. With a subtle scatological undertone.
+Sure, no problem. Twenty-five dollars, please.
+Pay the man, boy.
+Now listen, son, I know we saw some awesome beat-downs tonight, but remember: don't try this at home. Do it at the schoolyard. Someplace where, if you get hurt, we can sue, not just them, but the school, the county, the state, and that jackass Joe Biden.
+Python neck clinch and...
+Maybe I was promoted to green belt too early...
+Next victim!
+Ding! Ding! Ding!
+Here we go.
+Where's your brother?
+I dunno -- chasing ducks? Buried alive? He'll be missed. Let's move. I've gotta collect pine cones.
+Die! Die! Die!
+Just follow the "dies," Mom.
+Why me? Why me?
+Bart Simpson! I'm glad your father isn't here to see this!
+Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
+Kill! Kill. Kill.
+Bart, let him go!
+But Mom, I'm winning! Look at this! His lunch money!
+God didn't give you legs so you could use them as scissors!
+I was just doing the moves I learned from Ultimate Punching!
+Ultimate Punching?! "Ultimate" makes everything worse!
+Not Frisbee!
+Otto, don't you have a sack to hacky?
+Indeed I do.
+One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up.
+Okay, I'm going to put a stop to this "Ultimate Punching."
+You can't stop an entire sport! You'd need several other mothers, some sympathetic school officials and clergymen...
+Uh-huh...
+A place to meet...
+Uh-huh...
+Some snacks...
+What else?
+A phone tree is invaluable. How you fixed for staplers? Those fliers don't stick to phone poles by themselves, you know.
+Nelson, you really have a knack for this.
+Well, when I grow up, I hope to go into event planning.
+Maybe someday you can do Lisa's wedding!
+Oh, I'd like that.
+Omigod!
+It's so violent!
+On his nose!
+This goes on for a while...
+Call me a killjoy, but I think that because this is not to my taste, no one else should be able to enjoy it.
+I'm all over that.
+Oh, yes.
+Mom, don't do this! This sport is as fun for me as having kids is for you!
+Tell her, Dad! You love Ultimate Punching even more than I do!
+Ultimate Punching is exploitative, violent and a bad influence on our young people. Studies have shown your mother is right.
+What the?
+Chocolate, whipped cream... cherries! She got to you! With a piece of black forest cake!
+It wasn't just a piece -- it was the whole cake! Frosting... like snow... on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!
+Glad you didn't come cheap.
+I couldn't help it! She knew my one weakness -- that I'm weak!
+One, two / We say boo! / Three, four / Stop the gore!
+Five, six / Who's got tix?
+Seven, eight / Use that gate!
+We need to take this into the belly of the beast. Mr. Scalper, give me a ticket.
+I am not a scalper, I am a dude whose two hundred friends did not show up.
+What do we do now?
+Let's talk about Marge behind her back.
+Have you ever noticed how that baby of hers never says a thing?
+I think it saw something awful.
+Me too.
+That's exactly what it is.
+Oh what else could it be?
+Um-um-um.
+Hm. That woman has natural breasts. This can't be good.
+I'm Marge Simpson and I will not rest until you tear down this septagon!
+Crazy dame! Nobody tears down the septagon! Except for the arena crew because Hufflesnuffs on Ice needs the space tomorrow.
+Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. I have a better idea.
+Marge, I'm Chett Englebrecht. U.P.K.C.C. founder, commissioner and public face of the sport.
+Pleased to meet you, Chett.
+Guys, please. When you yell like that, no one can hear me.
+Chett, I'm here to ask you one simple thing: please go out of business and donate all your profits to charity.
+At least in other sports they're trying to put a ball in a net or a zone. But in this sport they don't put anything in anything. And if they did, I wouldn't want to see it!
+Okay, you win.
+Annoying lady, you make a great point. I am going to shut down this sport...
+Really?
+...if you meet me in the septagon, fight me and beat me!
+What? That's crazy.
+What's wrong, Marge? Do you have to ask your husband?
+Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
+That flattens my soda pop! You're on!
+What'd I miss?
+Nothin'.
+Mom, you can't fight that guy.
+Yeah, Marge. He'll knock your block off. Your beautiful block.
+Thank you, Homie.
+Listen: of all the crazy things I've ever done, this is the craziest. And you're doing it.
+I can't back out. This is for a cause that's bigger than I am. If Gandhi could go without eating for a whole three-hour movie, I can do this. Besides, I'm a woman. He'll probably go easy on me.
+Or kick the crap out of you.
+Watch your language, moron.
+If I'm gonna open a can of whup-tushy, I'd better get in shape, with some rhythmic gymnastics!
+Someone's gotta stop her from going through with this fight. This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but Dad, can't you control your woman?
+How can I control her?! I have nothing to withhold!
+Oh man, now she's writing cutesy things with the ribbon.
+Homer, this is bad. One unlucky punch and Marge could be bedridden for life.
+Unable to move anything but her left toe.
+Oh Marge, if only I knew what these paintings meant.
+I know the woman I loved is still in there somewhere, behind all this nonsense.
+We've gotta get Marge some professional training. Carl, do you know heavyweight champ Drederick Tatum?
+What? You think just 'cause I'm black I know all other black people?
+Well, I... uh...
+Actually, Drederick and I are very good friends. We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party at Bleeding Gums Murphy's house.
+Oh Marge, you have definitely come to the right crib. I'm always happy to impart my pugilistic prowess to a punching parvenu.
+And the first lesson will be to work the tattoos. Flaming skull. Obama. Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo!
+Now, work "The Lord's Prayer". I'm gonna order some lion food.
+Hello, yeah, how you doin', I'd like to order two gazelles, an impala, and throw in a couple wildebeests. Oh, and a two-liter bottle of diet cherry cola. You just have one-liter bottles? Okay, cancel the whole order.
+"Beat, Slay, Shove."
+I'll bash him with this book!
+The second element of mixed martial arts is jiu-jitsu, in which we use an opponent's strength against himself. But I sneak some of my strength in there too. A-ha-HA! Now attack me with great anger!
+Surprising move!
+Next: Homer, hajime!
+Now we stick foot in mouth, tie arms like pretzel and pop discs in spine like bubble wrap.
+Is he okay?
+He feels no pain.
+Sorry, my English is not so good. I mean "he feels only pain."
+Back when I wrestled at Yale, I was in the lightest weight category -- "ether weight." Now, get ready to face the wrath of the "New Haven Nuisance"!
+Side-mount! Takedown! Advantage! Reversal! Reversal! Clinch! Clinch, I say!
+Listen... I'm late for a P.T.A. meeting.
+In order to save money, the following presidents will no longer be taught: Buchanan, Fillmore, Pierce, Bush, Bush... could you please stop that?
+Saratoga slam! Aristotle's dilemma! Knickerbocker knucklebreaker! And so on.
+Marge... I bet we've got ten minutes till the kids wake up.
+Marge! Marge! Marge!
+Tomorrow night your bedroom will be the septagon. Your sleeping pill will be my punches. By the way, what's that book you're reading?
+"Eat, Pray, Love."
+More like "Beat, Slay, Shove"! The fireworks begin tomorrow!
+I said tomorrow!
+No can do. We're out of fireworks!
+Why'd you shoot them off now?
+I have trouble concentrating! I should be on antidepressants!
+Where was I?
+"Beat, Slay, Shove"! The fireworks start tomorrow!
+I found some more, but that was it!
+A lot of people think bullies are born awesome, but, the fact is, we have to train.
+You don't get garlic knots like these unless you work the bag.
+Is there someone in there?
+It's my fault. I looked them in the eye when I gave them my lunch money.
+Someone should tell your principal!
+I'm well aware of the situation.
+Mom, I came here to tell you it's not too late to back out.
+I can't back out, because if I fight him tomorrow...it'll be a less-violent world for you kids in the future.
+There must be a better way.
+There certainly is.
+Marge Simpson reporting for duty!
+Dad, I keep telling you, that won't work.
+Well let's go, "Marge." My class reunion starts in an hour.
+Uh, Moe, I have a confession to make: I'm just Homer dressed as Marge.
+Yeah, but last year I took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better they'll think you look.
+Well, you'd better not leave me and talk to your old friends all night.
+Keep talkin' like that and I'll leave you here right now!
+Krusty, I'm honored you invited me tonight.
+Yeah, I thought a noisy public place would be the best spot to tell you that I've been dating your wife.
+Also, could you tell her I'm dumping her? After eleven years, the thrill is gone.
+Marge, I tried my best to talk you out of this. But since you're going through with it, I beg you, just stay out of his way and don't get hurt.
+And Mom, if you punch him in the junk, you'll get no disrespect from me.
+Hey Bart, did you know that's a haiku?
+Time to square off in the ring that is The Septagon! In this corner, weighing in at...
+Nobody needs to know that! Skip ahead!
+...stands the "Mom I'd Like To Fight": Marge Simpson!
+And four obtuse angles over, weighing in at a hundred and fifty pounds, Chett Englebrecht!
+Chett! Chett! Chett! Chett! Chett! Chett! Chett! Chett! Chett! Chett!
+And now let's get ready to rumba!
+We've been ready for hours!
+I had car trrrouble!
+Don't worry, Marge. I don't wanna hurt you.
+I knew it!
+That's the first time I ever hit a woman I didn't love. Wow.
+Aw, c'mon! Get back on your feet! I believe in you!
+I'm doin' it, Moe!
+Not you!
+Oh, thank God, the pressure's off.
+I'll save you, Marge!
+Hit my Mom, will ya? Well, I'm gonna knock you out and moon your corpse.
+Heck, I'll fight anyone. Except a man my own size.
+That's. My. Son.
+Woo hoo!
+Tap out! Don't make me break your arm!
+Lady, why don't you break out the lipstick and kiss my ass?
+There sure is a lotta talkin' for a professional fight.
+Eh, that's what you get when you fight a woman.
+Yap, yap, yap.
+And they spend all day eating bon-bons and watching General Hospital... which, by the way, has never been better.
+Okay, I give! I give! I give! You're better than me!
+Really? Oh, thank you.
+Now let me go, turn your back and take a bow.
+Okey-doke.
+I'd just like to say one thing. I only agreed to this fight because I wanted to stop the violence. And sure I got into great shape and met some fun people, but I ended up discovering my own dark side. So from now on, the only thing I'm fighting is this cold I'm coming down with.
+Mom, that's a beautiful thought.
+Well, I wish somebody would've stuck around to hear it.
+Where did they all go?
+Two drunk guys were fighting outside and everyone went to watch.
+Ooo, ooo, can I go, Marge? Can I? Can I?
+No. Let's go home. We can enjoy some mixed "marital" arts.
+No holds barred.
+Hey, Lis.
+I don't know when we'll be in a septagon again. Wanna settle this bad blood that's been going on between us since you were born?
+You're on.
+Children, it's time to announce my choice to represent our class at the National Reading Roundup.
+My choice is... Hubert Wong!
+Hooray for Different-Face!
+Congratulations, Hubert. Or should I congratulate your tutor: Amelia, at the Homework Factory! Your victory is tainted! Asterisk! Asterisk!
+Lisa, don't take it personally. I barely spent any time on this decision.
+Asterisk! Asterisk! Asterisk!
+Lisa Simpson?! In detention?! My horoscope told me I'd see something interesting today, but I thought that meant the horoscope itself!
+Stupid Miss Hoover.
+I heard about your run-in with Hoover. Aren't teachers the worst?
+I don't want to talk about it.
+Listen, you're a smart kid. I bet you like ideas.
+Well, I just had a whopper! What if you got revenge on Krabappel for me, and I got revenge on Hoover for you? Crisscross!
+Interesting. With no obvious motive, no one would suspect us.
+Exactly. Crisscross! Do we have a deal?
+Thanks... but I'll pass.
+If I say "crisscross" one more time, will that change your mind?
+Listen, you're a persistent fellow, but I--
+Crisscross!
+I'm in.
+Bart, have you established your alibi?
+Yep. I'm at the tennis match.
+And people will remember you were there?
+I'm pretty sure they will.
+Hello? Hello? I've been ding-dong-ditched!
+Crisscross.
+You should've seen the look on Krabappel's face!
+And you should've seen the look on Hoover's face. In fact, here it is.
+You killed her?
+Right. Like we agreed.
+I never said "kill!"
+Yeah, 'cause you're smart. You don't say "kill," you say "prank." Like Mom and Dad say "snuggle" when what they really mean is "let's lock the door and hug."
+Well, I didn't kill Mrs. Krabappel!
+So all you did was ring her doorbell and run?
+Yeah, ding-dong-ditch!
+"Ding-dong-ditch" means you kill her, then you throw that ding-dong into a ditch. Geez, pick up a book.
+You're a monster!
+A deal's a deal, little sister. Tomorrow after school, go to her house and t.p. her.
+That's it? Just t.p. her?
+Yeah, torture and pulverize her. Then ding-dong-ditch the body and we're even.
+I think I'm gonna be sick.
+Oh, Lisa! Come hold this blade so it doesn't slice through my neck.
+Come on! I trust you completely!
+Slice her like a bagel!
+Ah, got it! Thanks, Lisa. Last thing I want is to be sliced in two -- you know, like a bagel.
+I've been waiting for you -- and trying to figure out how girls pee.
+Sorry Bart, I couldn't do it! There's got to be another way.
+What if I gave you homework help? I won't give you the answers, but I'll give you the tools to find the answers yourself.
+No dice -- either take care of Krabappel, or Groundskeeper Willie will say he saw you kill Miss Hoover.
+Why would Willie do that?
+Let's just say... he owes me a favor.
+Crisscross! Like the plaid on me kilt!
+You're not wearin' a kilt.
+All right, Bart... I guess I have no choice. I have to kill... you!
+/ Ice cream! /
+Go ahead, do it. You're no different from me. We're made from the same dinna.
+Bart ate a tainted burger!
+I guess I could!
+It's pronounced "D.N.A.," you idiot. And we are not the same -- I am not a murderer, and I never will be!
+Well done, Lisa!
+It was an accident, I swear!
+Sure. An accident. Ha!
+Ay carumba, you little snot.
+I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly-anticipated "Burger Squared." Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?
+I'm glad you asked, Kent.
+We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun. Burger Squared!
+The math checks out!
+Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination!
+Now Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.
+And now this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature.
+Juicy... flavorful... with just a hint of
+Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid...
+A little tip: you might wanna wash me before you eat me.
+The munchers got Moe!
+Well, we're not going out to help him. We have no idea what hideous creatures might be out there!
+Please let me in!
+How do I know you're not a muncher?
+I'm your father and I need your help!
+I can't make sense of that muncher talk!
+Hungry. So hungry. There's nothing to eat. Except this.
+There's gotta be something yummy out there.
+A hamburger!
+Dad, no! That's the last book in the world!
+Really?
+Yes, and-- Oh, go ahead.
+Wait! The burger didn't change me! I'm not a muncher!
+Oh my God. If Bart could eat the burger and survive, then maybe he can yield the key to an anti-muncher vaccine!
+Then we must keep this boy safe from harm!
+Better call Dr. Hibbert.
+Well, I suppose Bart could be immune -- a genetic "chosen one," if you will.
+If so, secrets locked within his blood could be the key to saving humanity.
+You must get him immediately to the safe zone, just outside of town. And if you see my wife... tell her I love her.
+You mean tell her I love her? Or I meaning you?
+I'll just high-five her.
+Now remember, no loud noises. Oh man, that breeze feels good!
+To the panic room!
+We don't have a panic room!
+To the panic room store!
+Come with me if you want to live.
+Another politician who can't keep his promises.
+This way!
+Well, this day can't get any crazier.
+Apu, how did you survive?
+Well, as a vegetarian, I did not consume any tainted burgers, and as a convenience store owner, I am armed to the teeth.
+We need windows too!
+Shoot her!
+I can't shoot her. She's Lisa's godmother.
+You can apologize in Hell!
+I will get out and push. No matter what, Bart must make it to the safe zone.
+That was so noble of Apu to give his life for us.
+Where are you going?! You were supposed to stop at the bottom and wait for me!
+I don't see the safe zone anywhere.
+Let's play a game: who gets to carry the chosen one?
+Oh, did the chosen one hurt his chosen little noggin?
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Quit it. Ow! Quit it.
+Well, well, well.
+Who's an unproductive worker now?
+Got your nose.
+Why you...
+Homie, where have you been?
+Dad, are you becoming a muncher?
+I think the better brains is, are you brains a brains?
+Where do you want it, the mouth or the eyes?
+Ooo, mouth.
+Eyes it is.
+No! When we get you to the safe zone, we can cure your father!
+Safe zone? You really think there's a safe zone? Well, you're right. It's right over there.
+Let us in. We have the chosen one!
+Welcome, son. To survive, all we must do is eat your flesh.
+Hold it right there, Bub. What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior?
+There must be another way...
+Time has passed. Children play in the streets. At night, there is music and laughter.
+And all we had to do was let Bart take a bath in our food.
+Hey, Lis. Want some soup?
+OH WHY CAN'T NO GIRL LOVE A GUY WITH THIS MUG...WHOSE MOTHER DECLARED / YOU'RE TOO UGLY TO HUG...
+How's about pouring me a beer, ugly?
+How 'bout some of my new microbrew?
+Must be another mouse in the pipe. Let's see if this cobra solves it.
+Nothin'.
+JUST ONCE I WISH CUPID / WOULD DRAW BACK HIS BOW / AND SHOOT ME A CUTIE / WHOSE STANDARDS ARE LOW...
+Woo hoo! An unattended tap! Like takin' beer from a baby!
+I'M UNLUCKY IN LOVE / I'M UNLUCKY IN LUCK
+Oh my God, Homer! Just try to relax.
+Don't relax! Don't relax!
+Oh Marge, the most awful thing just happened!
+What is it, Moe?
+Um... She's so beautiful. It makes my heart take wing!
+Look at me! I can fl--
+Um, Marge... Homer, uh, just ran out sayin' he don't love you and he never did.
+He what?!
+Helllp me!
+That uh, that's me. I've been taking ventriloquism lessons.
+Help me or kill me!
+Heh? Heh?
+Now, let Dr. Moe cure what ails you.
+Mm, there's something odd about this beer.
+IT TASTES LIKE... CUDDLING! / IT TASTES LIKE CLEAN CLOTHES!
+IT TASTES LIKE HOT STEAMING COCOA MIXED WITH RAINBOWS...
+It does?
+FULL-BODIED...
+FULL-BLOODED...
+IT'S SUCH A LOVELY BLEND...
+IT'S JOLLY / IT'S LOYAL / LIKE DRINKING YOUR BEST FRIEND!
+So, I see we're back in business. Now, a little more hemoglobin and your wife will be disrobin'.
+I STOPPED MY CRYING / WHY, I DON'T KNOW / BUT THIS ROSEY, COZY, BUBBLES-IN-MY-NOSE-Y / MAKES ME WANNA HAVE... MO'!
+This is the best musical in light years.
+Light years measure distance not time.
+You know what I meant.
+So Marge, uh... Homer's been gone a whole week, huh? In an unrelated matter, I just put on cologne and shaved my knuckles.
+I'm still hoping Homie will come back.
+Marge, I've got some bad news to give you.
+It's a letter from Homer. On my stationery. In my handwriting. Using my idioms and speech patterns. And it begins, "Dear Midge: you probably hate me by now, and if you don't, what's wrong which youse? But don't give up on men. Bart, Linda and the other one there need a Dad."
+That does sound like Homer.
+"The reason I left you is simple:,the reason i left you is simple,7
+125628,445,217,Marge Simpson: (SHOCKED) "...I'm gay"?!
+Read on. It gets gayer.
+WHILE TURNING GAY THE OTHER DAY / A THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME...
+I'D LIKE TO TRY MOST EVERY GUY / FROM HERE TO TIMBUK-TEE
+OH, THERE'S SO MANY MEN AROUND THE WORLD, OF EVERY SHAPE AND SIZE / I WANT TO NIBBLE ON JAMAICAN JERKS AND TERIYAKI THIGHS...
+I WANT TO FRENCH KISS A FRENCHMAN, AND SPOON AN ENGLISH DUKE / 'CAUSE FRANKLY, DEAR, TO NOT BE QUEER, JUST MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE...
+SO FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO'LL WANT YOU IN THE SACK
+I RECOMMEND / OUR DEAR OLD FRIEND / BARTENDER MOE SZYSLAK!
+LETTERS DON'T LIE! So whaddaya think, Marge? Will you give Moe a throw?
+Eh, well...
+Maybe you need a little more "milk of amnesia."
+Dang, I'm missing the secret ingredient! Uh, lemme squeeze some more out of the "Secret Ingredient Bag".
+Uh-oh, looks like I gotta wing it a little bit here. The other day I ran into an Irishman. Oh really? No, O'Reilly.
+I can't talk now, I'm watching a play! You want how much for a radiator? Is that new or rebuilt?
+Oh my God, I've never felt so... uncreeped-out by you!
+Marge, I loves youse. Will youse be mines?
+I guess it is time to move on...
+Before you do, I just gotta warn you, Marge. MY TASTE FOR ROMANCE IS KINDA PERVERSE / I CAN ONLY MAKE LOVE IN THE BACK OF A HEARSE...
+PLUS I GOTTA BE DRESSED AS A CIVIL WAR NURSE / AND THEN WHEN I'M FINISHED, I'LL GO THROUGH YOUR PURSE / BUT YOU COULD DO WORSE...
+I COULD DO WORSE...
+WE'RE PROOF THAT YOU...
+I/YOU COULD DO...
+SHE COULDN'T POSSIBLY DO WORSE!
+Homer?! Does this mean you still love me?
+Of course I do, Marge. Can you still love a man who's half-beer?
+I always have.
+To love!
+WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS YEAR'S HALLOWEEN SHOW / TREEHOUSE OF HORROR, NUMBER XX!
+FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOOOOOWWWWW!...WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY!
+EXCEPT HIS EX-WIFE...
+So, what are you gonna do without us numbskulls to supervise?
+I plan to fill the void with gardening, early dining, and I've been learning to speak Mandarin Chinese.
+That's garbage. That's total garbage.
+I'm gonna miss Ted. He was a good supervisor.
+Definitely hands-off. He didn't mind if we punched in a little late, or not at all...
+Or that we made a few adjustments to the soda machine...
+Here's to us: "The Unsupervisables!"
+...Wiggum.
+Ah, I expect you're all anxiously awaiting my choice for your new supervisor.
+Can't we just all supervise ourselves?
+In any event, much as what formerly was my kidney is now my heart, I've decided to promote from within. One of you will get the job. But which one?...
+Congratulations! I dub thee King of the Morons, also known as Supervisor for Sector Seven-G. Here is your key to the executive washroom.
+Woo-hoo! Our boss is our best buddy!
+The nitwits are runnin' the goofhouse!
+Hey Carl, why aren't you high-fiving?
+Y'know... I'd rather save my arm-lifting for tapping gauges or filling out employee evaluations. We can celebrate at Moe's.
+After work.
+And the first beer's on me.
+You see, he hasn't changed!
+Yes I have. In ways you're only beginning to suspect!
+I call to order this meeting of the "Springfield Charity Chicks." As you all know, last year's cake and cookie sale raised one hundred twelve dollars to fight childhood obesity.
+Thank you, Charity Chicks!
+Now who has ideas for this year's fundraiser?
+Well, the police department raised money by selling these beefcake calendars.
+I have a great idea -- let's do what they did, but with us!
+We are a good-lookin' bunch.
+We just need a theme.
+How 'bout history?
+Then it's set. We'll do it on the twenty-fifth of...
+Okay, Betsy Ross, bring history to life! Ooo, I love it! Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop! Okay, stop. We got plenty. All right, who's my next sexy historical lady?
+I am! The female Tiger Woods of the nineteen-thirties, Babe Didrikson Zaharias.
+Oh, you know Marge, if you want to sell calendars, I'm going to need to see more "Babe" and less "Didrikson Zaharias."
+Fine. I'll take off one glove.
+Hmm... you know what would look super-good? If you held this glass of red wine.
+Mmmm, I love this wine.
+Yeah, it's Andalusian!
+Well, it seems real to me.
+Okay, more wine for you.
+Ooo, that's caliente, baby! Oh, oh, pop goes the Chupacabra!
+Yum, yum, yum!
+Whoops!
+Hey Carl, look how I messed with the names on the softball sign-up sheet. It's delicious! You know how Smitty's name is Smitty? Well, not anymore -- I changed the "m" to a--
+That'll do, Homer.
+...to a "p". Spitty... 'cause he spits when he talks.
+He had to have part of his tongue removed. That's real funny.
+Oh, well... I didn't know that.
+Well, now you know.
+Quit dragging me. When I grow up, I'm gonna drag you around and buy you clothes.
+Oh, that's wonderful!
+What's all the hubbub-aloo?
+I've been pin-upped!
+And every month is me! I don't remember doing this! I certainly don't remember doing August!
+Hey, calendar lady! You gonna take your clothes off?
+Shiatsu or better!
+Well, I got the next best thing.
+Great safety report, Homer -- no meltdowns all week. I'm making you my new executive assistant.
+Why can't I keep the job I have now, whatever it is?
+Not an option, big fella. Either you're my assistant, or you find a job elsewhere -- and in this economy, elsewhere ain't hirin'!
+Oh fine, I guess I'm at your beck.
+And call.
+Nooooooo!
+Oh no, it's a big turnout at church today. And the whole congregation has seen my "Scandinavian regions."
+Here comes the woman who made February the hottest month of the year.
+Her shapely gams have finally persuaded me to switch from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian!
+Marge, girl, I just heard your pants ain't hiring -- because your butt won't quit!
+Homie, everyone loved my calendar... but only you get to flip the pages.
+Calendar! Oh my God! I forgot to move Carl's twelve-thirty to two-thirty.
+His astrologist will show up at the same time as his astronomer! This is not good! This is not good!
+How 'bout a little Marge Madness?
+Who am I kidding?
+Marge, would you mind if we just cuddle?
+Cuddling's for after.
+Tomorrow, my love.
+Stupid Carl... "Update the phone list, Homer!" "You put my contact lenses in backwards, Homer!" I'm sorry, honey.
+Maybe this will take your mind off work.
+Wash my car.
+Re-foam my latte.
+Book me a massage.
+Leave me alone, you two!
+Class, today we're going to talk about Washington crossing the Delaware.
+I'd like to watch Bart's Mom washing her underwear.
+The British were led by General Howe.
+I'd give Bart's Mom a General wow!
+Knock it off! That's my Mom you're talkin' about.
+Keep-away with Bart's Mom!
+Mrs. S., you can tuck me in any time...
+Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows. Nice and easy.
+It's stuck! I'll have a quizzical expression for the rest of my life!
+I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's Mom!
+Shut up!
+Standing up for yourself to an older boy? We're gonna have to set up an appointment with your parents.
+Let me, uh, check my calendar.
+I'm suddenly feeling, uh, un-administrative feelings.
+Honey, I know it's been a rough couple of weeks. But I booked us a night this Saturday, at a very romantic hotel.
+Garden view?
+Ocean view, obstructed.
+All right, I put in a hundred-hour work week, but I took a power-nap while I was driving us here and now I'm rarin' to go!
+Well, I brought a few items to make our night extra-special. Massage oil...
+Some lingerie from "The Horny Hubby"... and "snuggle" dice.
+This one has an action, and this one has a body part. See?
+"NUZZLE... NECK". With pleasure!
+Lemme try.
+"LICK... EYES." Um, I'll try again. "SPANK... HAIR." What the? "WHISPER INTO... ASS." This game sucks!
+Why don't you just roll me?
+We're gonna be snore in the morning...
+Dammit, why won't you touch me?
+Okay. Kiss me, baby! Kiss me like a frog in a fairytale!
+Great news, Homer! I've been invited to the annual nuclear-power expo in Paris, France. That's right -- we're going to Fission Week!
+I need you to book me a room at the Ritz, with a view of Jim Morrison's grave, and book me dinner at that place... you know the one, the one Lenny's mom read about two years ago.
+I'll make it up to you, Marge, I swear.
+Last night was the making it up to me! The most intimate moment we shared this week was my ironing your shirts!
+Actually, those were Carl's shirts.
+I can't believe you're gonna spend another weekend with him.
+Hey, it's not like I want to go. Go, go, go!
+Diddily...
+Okay, Fission Week kicks off on Monday with a reception by the International Proton Council. Word is, protons are the new electrons.
+You know Homer, when I was your age, it was the future, "cause I'm younger than you. Just something to think about.
+I will! Edamame?
+I don't have time for peeling. Squirt 'em in.
+Well boys, Daddy's back on the beam, thanks to Christian prayer and Doctor Sheldon Lowenstein!
+We thought you were gonna die.
+And then Uncle Kevin would have to raise us.
+With his funny friend David.
+Oh, I'd put rocks into your pockets and walk you out to sea before that happened.
+Ned, to make up for what happened, I want to invite you and the boys over to dinner tomorrow night.
+Okily-dokily. But I'm warning you, you're gonna see America's number-one dishwashing crew!
+I wash!
+And I dry!
+Then I give 'em the squeak test and into the dishwasher they go!
+Carl Carlson, it is good to meet you!
+Thank you, um...
+French Nuclear Commissioner Etienne Ducharme.
+...Commissioner Ducharme. I trust that your wife is, uh...still dead?
+Yes. Thank you for asking.
+Monsieur Carlson, what have you enjoyed most about Paris?
+Oh, I really love, uh...The Louvre. Everything about it is so, uh...closed on Mondays.
+You are clearly a man of the world. May I have your card?
+My assistant will give you that.
+Can we meet for lunch?
+My assistant will set that up.
+I want to make love -- now!
+My assistant... will do a sensual dance for your arousal. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, sensual dance, chop, chop.
+I love Paris. The women, the wine -- everything except their lame-o version of rock and roll.
+ROCK AND ROLL! ROCK AND ROLL! ROCK AND ROLL!
+When we get back to the hotel, I want you to extend our stay... indefinitely.
+But I have to get back to Marge.
+Homer, we are this close to selling our power in Paris, Milan, Dubai -- everywhere people know good electricity. But we gotta focus!
+Monsieur Carl! Let us stroll down Main Street Euro-Disney!
+LE SEXY ROCK AND ROLL / THE FILMS OF CLAUDE CHABROL / OOO LA LA, C'EST DOMMAGE / EVERYBODY EAT FROMAGE!
+HO-MIE... HO-MIE... HO-MIE... HO-MIE... HO-MIE... HO-...
+You two are going out? I thought I told you the Flanderses were coming over to dinner.
+Sorry -- I have a tea party at Janey's.
+And I'm having a stink bomb party at the house next to Janey's. No connection.
+I guess it'll just be dinner for four.
+Hi Ned. Where are the boys?
+oh, they're grounded. I found out Rod watched a commercial for "Grey's Anatomy," and Todd took a full day to tell me.
+It's fun to cook dinner together. Homer and I never do it anymore. Cook together, that is.
+What's the next task on the old i-dinnerary?
+You could wash this iceberg lettuce.
+I'm not thinkin' straight! Why did I drink that wine cooler last month?
+Dinner's ready! Dinner's ready!
+Saved by the bell from eternity in Hell!
+Bonjour.
+Homer, there is a moth in my room! Where are you!?
+Where I should've been all along...
+In Springfield.
+What?! Homer! Return to the immortal City of Light at once! Or you're fired!
+Oh I don't think so! You know that woman you've been playing "hide the baguette" with? She's the first lady of France, Carla Bruni!
+If you fire me, I'll call President Sarkozy and he'll be all over you like Truffaut on Hitchcock.
+You wouldn't dare!
+Oh wouldn't I? Just listen.
+Allo, you are getting cozy with Sarkozy.
+Okay, Okay, you win!
+Give my best to Marge.
+I sure will -- but only after I give her mine.
+Nuclear secrets... pictures of Lenny... everything I need for my plan!
+Marge, that dinner was a winner! What's for dessert?
+Oh, nothing fancy...
+Strawberries and whipped cream.
+Ned, you got whipped cream in your mustache!
+Your perfectly-trimmed mustache...
+Ned, there's only one man I should be eating whipped cream with.
+I never thought otherwise.
+Well, see ya 'round the mailbox, Marge.
+My wife? And my worst friend? Could it be?
+Homie, you're back!
+Hey Ned.
+Marge, I believe we have a little unfinished business. Come with me!
+Boy, that was worth the wait.
+Now, it's my turn to roll the dice! Wanna kiss them for me?
+Classic.
+Dad, how can you call it a ski weekend if we're going home at dawn on Sunday?
+Gotta leave early to beat the traffic. Now to get on route two-oh-five and it's a straight shot home. For crying out--
+I hate traffic -- the band, and the phenomenon!
+Well, there's only one game we can play in the car over and over and over again. "Bonk It."
+Oh, I'm sorry, kids. We lost the batteries for that.
+No problem. A couple just rolled out from behind your seat.
+Bonk it! Twist it! Smack it! Thwack it! Whack it! Bonk it! Bop it! Thwack it! Twist it! Bop it!
+Smack it! Whack it! Thwack it! Bonk it! Twist it! Smack it! Bonk it! Twist it! Smack it! Thwack it! Whack it! Bonk it! Twist it! Smack it! Thwack it! Whack it!
+Bonk it! Twist it! Smack it! Thwack it! Whack it! Bonk it! Bop it!
+Bonk it! Twist it! Smack it! Thwack it! Whack it! Bonk it! Bop it!
+I can't take it anymore!
+I can't take it anymore!
+Bonk it! Twist it! Smack it!
+Bonk it! Twist it! Smack it!
+Oh, darn, the batteries are dead.
+Not to worry. It plugs into this cigarette lighter.
+Bonk-bonk-BONK it! Twist it! Smack it! Thwack it! Whack it! Bonk it! Bop it! Twist it! Smack it! Thwack it Bonk it! Bop it! Twist it! Smack it! Thwack it! Whack it!
+It's daddy's turn!
+Stomp it! Crush it! Kill it!
+Bonk it! Bonk it. Bonnnnk it...
+Finally, some peace and quiet.
+Why do my actions have consequences?
+Now, kids, we're about to get really cold, then really warm.
+Bonk it. Twist it. Smack it.
+Drink up, sweetie. Let the possum work its magic.
+Possum?!
+Oh don't worry, we don't kill it. We just dip it.
+What happened?
+One-legged triangle...
+What happened is, I saved your life. Now you's had a rough day. Why'n'tcha have a pull on this?
+Where's the hooch?
+Oh, excuse my faux pas -- that jug was fo' Pa.
+C'mon, now. We'll go on back to the still. And in case we run into trouble...
+Brandine! Where's the bazook?!
+He's gon' shoot those Google Earth folks what caught me with my britches down.
+This here's my pride and joy: 'Ol Betsy.
+A female that gives birth to alcohol.
+Now, gentlemen, let us toast our new friend's escape from death's icy grip with my latest batch of whoopee water.
+So, what cha'y'all think?
+Yuh, yuh, yuh, good!
+It angrys up my fists! I just remembered my feud with this here tree!
+Git... 'er... done! Git... 'er... done!
+What's your take, city boy?
+Well, uh... it's got a rich mash base and a sense of danger. And I detect notes of elderberry, tobacco, oak, no, poison oak... and hints of game.
+That is amazing! You have the eloquence and urgency of a census worker caught in a bear trap. We's gonna invite you to all our soirees, mixers and drink-'em-ups.
+Now let's enjoy the bluegrass stylin's of the Country Bear Jamboree!
+So, you guys have any videogames?
+Nope, but my mama brought some of these boom potaters back from Iraq.
+Set 'em up again!
+So, I'll hide and you guys count to a hundred.
+Backwards "e"...
+Banana hot dog...
+Double banana hot dog...
+Sixty-corncob two...
+This is the best hiding place. They'll never find me.
+I'm here! Come find me! Olly-olly-oxen-free! Olly-olly-oxen-free!
+Why did I do Poetry Club instead of Girl Scouts? Why did I do Poetry Club instead of Girl Scouts?
+Dark is she, but brilliant! Black are her wings, black on black!
+She is Lilith, who leadeth forth the hordes of the Abyss!
+You're gonna be so embarrassed. There are two other people at this party dressed just like you.
+State thy business.
+My name's Lisa and I was playing hide and seek when I met you ladies. Please don't hurt me.
+We're not gonna hurt you.
+But we don't like outsiders observing our esbat.
+Uh-huh, what's an esbat?
+An ancient ritual in celebration of the full moon.
+We're Wiccans.
+You mean... witches?
+Technically, but we're not into broomsticks, or pointy hats...
+Well I'm glad you're not "witches." Wouldn't want you to "cast a spell" on me.
+Oh, we cast spells.
+And they work.
+Sure they do. If magic was real, I'd use it to get out of my pipe cleaner art project that's due tomorrow.
+You should keep an open mind.
+Things said in the circle have a surprising way of coming true.
+Lisa! Lisa!
+Dad! Over here!
+Come, sisters of the elements! Let us leave this place in a manner most wiccan!
+What are you talking about?
+Text your Mom to pick us up.
+Oh sweetie, I found you! Now, who's gonna find us? Help!
+I have one minute to avoid my first late assignment ever. The pipe cleaner fur is coming off on my hands!
+Class, Miss Hoover will not be in today, so you'll get A's on your pipe-cleaner sculptures.
+What happened to Miss Hoover?
+Came down with a spell of stomach flu.
+Spell? Those girls couldn't have made her sick... or could they?
+Maybe we'll pass the time with another craft project. I'll let one of you pick. Uh... Lisa? Which craft?
+Which craft?
+Which craaaaaaft?!!
+This here country's home to over three hundred family-owned stills. None of them big corporate moonshiners, like Crazy-Think White Lightnin', or Dwayne Saggery's Demento Juice. So let's go taste some independent hooch!
+Hey, thanks for bringin' us down here, Homer.
+Yeah. There's somethin' wonderful about being drunk outdoors.
+I wonder if Moe misses us.
+No, I don't miss ya.
+Now get back to my bar for happy hour or I'll paint the snow pink with your brains!
+Drop your firesticks, man-possum!
+Oh, uh, so, uh, I guess this means you hillbillies are gonna have your way with me. Huh?
+Oh fer God's sake! Y'know, one hillbilly has his way with one fat guy in "Deliverance," and suddenly people think that's all hillbillies do!
+I s'pose you think all space is "Star Wars!"
+No, I thought that we had a connection here, and we're out in the woods and everything, and... hey, forget it. I ain't gonna beg for it.
+You'll never know what you missed out on!
+Did you girls make Miss Hoover sick?
+Oh no, we would never ask the Goddess to harm a teacher.
+But if the Goddess chose to help you by giving Miss Hoover the Hershey Squirts, such is her divine wisdom.
+Listen, not that I've lost my skepticism, but I am interested in learning more about Wiccans. Are you a minority group as defined by Ivy League admissions?
+Cornell and Dartmouth.
+What else ya got?
+We worship nature.
+I worship nature!
+Want to join us?
+Well, it is an honor to be asked. But I never make a final decision in the middle of a forest at night.
+Hey, hey, that's smart thinkin'.
+Shut up and dig your own grave.
+What if I don't dig it? What are you gonna do then?
+Guess I'll have to dig it for ya.
+With your bad back? Fuhgetaboutit!
+Is that a pentagram? Lis! You've finally come over to the dark side.
+Um, it's the wiccan home page.
+I'm thinking of joining.
+No, no, no. You're too young to be a witch. Savor the steps leading up to it: college anorexic, string of bad marriages, career disappointments, failed pottery shop. And then when you're old and alone, you can hit the witch thing hard.
+Hey, every witch needs a familiar...
+I'm gonna put a spell on you! Yes I am, my tuna-breath familiar.
+Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap! I curse you, Hell's Kitten!
+Just as I feared: her Buddhism has led directly to witchcraft.
+I'm part of a team!
+And she's teleconferencing the Devil using that computer from Hell!
+I think it says "Dell."
+We'll let the authorities sort that out.
+Mmm, not bad.
+What's that twirly ruckus?
+The gummiment!
+Initiate, how does one enter the circle?
+With perfect faith and perfect love.
+Join us, join us, join us...
+Do not sanctify that witch!
+I kinda feel sorry for 'em, crammed in that back seat. Toss 'em a Judy Blume novel, Lou.
+Uh... all we've got is "Wifey," Chief.
+Nothin' with kids in it? Damn budget cut.
+Double bubble boil and trouble?! Today, Springfield will see its first witch trials in twelve years. Oh, I think I see the witches now. This reporter has never encountered such disfigured crones.
+We're not the witches!
+Oh, well then you must be victims of the witches' hideous curse.
+You didn't think I was so hideous that night we made out in the back booth at the Seafood Hut.
+We all did crazy things on nine-eleven. Ah, here COME the witches. Do you have a statement for us "mortals?"
+Goddess Lilith, who knows our hearts are pure...
+Oh queen of magic, show our persecutors that they are blind!
+They are blind!
+I'm blind! I'm blind!
+What goes around, comes around.
+Dear God, I've gone blind. Nurse, you'll have to be my eyes.
+I'm blind too!
+Then I guess it's up to me.
+Gwendolyn Nightshadow, did you use your supernatural powers to blind half this town?!
+We're just kids! My real name isn't even Gwendolyn Nightshadow! It's Stacey -- Stacey Deathsatan.
+So... the defendants recruited you, a young innocent, into their evil coven.
+They're not evil! They believe in friendship and respecting the earth... and they made me feel like I belonged.
+Your honor, I'd like to enter something into the record.
+Strangely, I'll allow it.
+Ladies and gentlemen, I am a big dummy with a stupid job. I write down what other people say just like a big dummy would. Could the court reporter read that back?
+...I am a big dummy with a stupid job. Hey!
+In all my years of being a judge, I've never seen such a flimsy case.
+Are you sure? 'Cause we've brought you a lot of flimsy cases. Like that goat we accused of income tax evasion. I still think he was guilty.
+Well, I'm not wasting another minute on this. Case dismissed!
+There's no justice here.
+They made me blind! And now I can really hear how I bomb!
+Well, I say we take 'em out and have our own trial!
+Oh, uh, don't mind me. I'm just trying to get a fly on the ceiling.
+I got you now.
+BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!
+Not so fast! As citizens, we are still bound by the rule of law...
+Seventeenth century law!
+I have reconstructed the ultimate instrument of colonial justice: the dunking stool. If the alleged witches survive the dunking, they clearly were witches. If they drown, then they were clearly innocent.
+And after this, it will be featured in the fifth-grade play "The Crucible"!
+Good seats still available, by which I mean seats in the back where you can fall asleep.
+Don't dip those Wiccans!
+They didn't blind anyone -- I have proof!
+/ Proof?
+When my father was attending the moonshine competition last Saturday...
+You said you were at a parenting class!
+Marge, please. You're embarrassing me in front of the mob.
+You heard sirens, which you thought were the police coming to arrest you. To ditch their stills...the moonshiners pushed them down a hill. The moonshine landed in a river, temporarily blinding anyone or anything that drank it.
+That river led to the reservoir -- which made anyone who drank the town's tap water also go temporarily blind.
+Moonshine in the water? I'll be the judge of that.
+Hmm... Hillbilly moonshine -- the little witch is right!
+Wait, wait, wait, don't un-form! You're a great mob -- we'll think of something else to get upset about! How 'bout all that construction on Route One? Huh? Huh?
+Oh, you ain't no mob. You're just a buncha spineless weasels!
+Hey, hey, hey, it's just a figure of speech.
+Kill the weasel hater!
+Now this is what I'm talkin' about!
+Sister Lisa, thank you for saving us.
+You were awesome.
+No, thank you. I've been rational but nerdy my whole life. But these past few weeks, you girls made me feel cool. Cool! Me! Lisa Simpson!
+Well, I think you're very interesting girls, but from now on, the only witch in Lisa's life is which boy will marry her. Right, Homer? Homer?
+Start the ride!
+Hello everybody, welcome to "Under the Wrapper!" Where I, Huell Howser, apply the art of detection to your favorite confections! Now, here's some opening titles to sweeten the deal.
+Hey! Ow!
+Now, we've seen how cookies crumble and soda gets its pop, so let's take a close up look at America's favorite drop -- the gumdrop!
+Every gumdrop is made of a succulent substance called gelatin.
+Amazing.
+Gelatin comes from the skin, bones and hooves of only the sickest horses.
+That's amazing!
+Change it! Change it!
+You just increased the volume!
+Welcome back to the Sixty-Second Annual Creative Arts Emmy Awards.
+In Outstanding Lighting Direction Electronic Multi-Camera for Variety, Music or Comedy Programming, we have... a three-way tie!
+Back to the horses! Back to the horses!
+Gee Lisa, looks like tomorrow I'll be shoveling ten feet of "global warming."
+Global warming can cause weather at both extremes -- hot and cold.
+I see. So you're saying "warming" makes it colder. Well, aren't you the Queen of Crazyland? Everything's the opposite of everything. La-de-da-de-da! I'm Lisa Simpson. La-de-da-de-da.
+Really? Really? Uh-huh, all right.
+Mush, nerds, mush!
+Oh look how the snow glistens on the tiniest branches!
+Yeah, yeah, miracles are all around us. Now please, I am trying to hear the school closings.
+The following schools are closed: Springfield High School, Springfield Middle School, Springfield El...
+... Excelente Spanish Language School.
+Springfield Element...
+...al Center for Periodic Table Studies.
+Springfield Elementary Scooo...
+...ba Diving Academy.
+Oh, for cryin' out loud!
+And of course, Springfield Elementary is closed. We were just messing with Bart Simpson.
+I've got one! Springfield El...bow Macaroni Factory.
+Skinner! What factory makes just one kind of pasta?
+Uh, well, I just thought, uh... specialization being the wave of the future... uh, probably...
+Snow day!
+What the?
+What a smart way to spend a snowy day.
+Good grief.
+Headshot! / Headshot! / Ooh, right in the carrot! / Headshot!
+A branch must've knocked out the power lines.
+Fine. I'll see what's on TV.
+That runs on electricity also.
+All right, I'll watch a DVD.
+There's no way that runs on electricity.
+Really? Does Obama know about this?
+I can't believe this is how pilgrims lived.
+When Maggie's nightlight goes out, her onesie becomes a funsie. This announcer has never seen diapers so dapper!
+What do you want?
+I... wanna play with you guys.
+Fine. Get this on in two minutes, lose the attitude, and for God's sake, suck in that pooch.
+Go, go, go!
+And now, making his debut on the catwalk... Bartholomew!
+Belt is by Twizzler, vest courtesy of Nelson, tights are by Hello Kitty...
+Hello Kitty? I thought they were Spider-Man heads! Ew! Ew! Ew!
+Stupid shoes over tights! Why did I want to play with a couple of lame-o girls?
+Because you envy us. Maggie and I share the deepest bond there is: sisterhood.
+We'll be closer than best friends for the rest of our lives. But you'll never know what that's like, because you won't ever have a brother.
+I don't need a brother. I'm a badass loner like Wolverine, who leaves whenever people beg him not to leave.
+"Off with their heads!" said the Red Queen. Now, pull the tab.
+More... more...
+More...
+I don't need a brother... and no dream will convince me I do.
+I want a turn! I want a turn!
+You've got the bike!
+It's not the same.
+That's a perfect spiral, Eli!
+Winning a Super Bowl doesn't compare to just chuckin' balls with my brother.
+It's easy being a winner in the pros. Try winning two high school basketball championships, like I did.
+Good for you, Squirt.
+I'm the oldest!
+Keep away from Cooper!
+Kids, calm down! Here, have a Not Very Berry Blast.
+BOIL THAT CABBAGE DOWN BOY / TURN THAT HOECAKE 'ROUND / ONLY SONG I EVER DID SING / BOIL THAT CABBAGE DOWN
+Why'd you stop?
+I-I-I-- I just, I just wanted to say something.
+Dick...
+You-you're my brother and... I love you.
+Well, I love you too, Tom. Thank you very much. But if you hadn't fought CBS, they would never have fired us from our show.
+Oh, they-uh-they-they didn't fire us, Dick.
+They didn't?
+We quit.
+We did not quit. They fired us.
+You... you were fired.
+They fired us from the show.
+No, they fired you. They didn't fire me.
+Why wouldn't they fire you?
+Because they can't fire... the yo-yo master!... And here is "shoot the moon." I'm so cool.
+Now look what you've done. Bart was having a perfectly nice dream about brothers and you ruined it.
+Yeah? Well huh...
+/ BOIL-BOIL-BOIL-BOIL-BOIL / DOOO-OWN!
+Oh my God, I want a brother!
+You can have mine, but he's kind of an idiot.
+Dad... I want a baby brother.
+Son, I love you kids. But I'm only going to the hospital one more time in my life and I ain't comin' out.
+Lisa got a sister! Why can't you have another boy?
+Girls are easy: girls love daddy, girls make birthday cards with glitter on them, girls can marry a hockey player and get me seats to hockey games, girls don't steal my knives...and I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work, 'cause I don't know.
+You never told me how my body works.
+Point and shoot.
+My Dad is such a jerk. I want a brother and he said no.
+Maybe you could trick your parents into making a baby. The way my Mom nearly tricked Charles Barkley.
+Trick 'em, I like it. But how?
+A romantic dinner? That's a great idea!
+Oh my God! I killed Kenny!
+No, I killed Kenny yesterday. What did I do now?
+Do I smell tarragon-crusted Atlantic salmon?
+Bart's cooked us a five-course romantic dinner.
+You had me at "five-course," you lost me at "romantic," and you got me back at "dinner."
+Oh what a lovely evening.
+And it's not over yet.
+Hope you saved room for passion fruit soufflé with crème anglais for two.
+And one for mom.
+There comes a time in every marriage when it comes down to this. Do we eat dessert or do we make love?
+Maybe we could do both.
+We couldn't do both.
+No... we could not.
+Are you sure this'll work?
+Hey, this is the DVD my parents used to make me.
+So it kinda works...
+Homer Simpson, look what the snuggle fairy left in our DVD player.
+Hm, people in other countries make love? It's about time.
+Which position should we try?
+"The Yawning Monkey?" "The Pair Of Tongs?"
+Ooo, look! "Congress Of The Crow!"
+All right, all right, um, your ankle goes there...
+Uh-huh, and now hand me your neck...
+And turn that upside down...
+Mm-hmm... and swivel that till you hear a grinding noise...
+...don't look at that...
+A few more minor adjustments, aaand...
+More Vicodin and eggs, please.
+What do you want, Simpson? Can't you see we're busy hockin' loogs?
+Nice loog! / Wish I'd hocked that!
+Look, I want a baby brother, but I can't get my parents to do it.
+Here's the thing, Simpson. No matter how dead their relationship seems, all parents eventually commit the heinous act of love.
+Mine do it once a year on the magical day when the prison and the insane asylum have their annual mixer.
+What you've got to worry about is the pill.
+The pill? What's that?
+It's medicine doctors give moms to keep babies up in Heaven.
+Well, I need a baby now and I'm not getting any younger!
+Then get rid of the pills.
+Got it. How can I thank you?
+Uh... give yourself a wedgie.
+Don't you wanna do it?
+Carpal-nurple syndrome. The doctor said if I didn't take it easy, I might never shove a kid's face in the drinking fountain again.
+A wakeup call for all of us.
+Mom'll never know...
+Bart Simpson!
+Tac-Tics?!
+Bart, you've always been a handful, but you've never interfered with my reproductive freedom. Why now?
+I just wanted a baby brother, but Dad said I was one "Uday" who didn't need a "Qusay." I just wanted what Lisa and Maggie have.
+Oh, Barty, I'm sorry. But your father and I think that three kids is just perfect.
+Holy moly!
+What about what I want? I'd help you take care of him.
+Remember those hamsters you were going to take care of?
+Oh my God, the hamsters!
+And even if we did have another baby, it might not be a boy. It might be another sister.
+Another sister!
+Hey, you didn't see what I cooked up in the galley of my last flight to London. They don't call it "Virgin" Airlines anymore.
+You're right -- I can't risk another girl. Use whatever birth control you want. It's your body.
+That's right! It is!
+One boy to go, please. Easy on the freckles.
+A ten-year-old can't adopt a child.
+Oh, you think he's for me! You know, the orphan is for my folks -- they can't have more kids. It is so sad -- a real-life Jaws bit off my dad's wiener.
+C'mon, I'd be an awesome big brother! I've got videogames! A treehouse! A garage stuffed to the rafters with illegal fireworks!
+Oh, sweet Meerschaum, take me away.
+I'm sorry, kid. It's not gonna happen.
+I'd give my brother everything I have! He could be the race car in Monopoly! Monopoly! The race car!
+Wake up!
+I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
+I'm your new brother!
+Are you from the orphanage, or do I really not understand how babies are born?
+So, Charlie, how did you escape the island of misfit boys?
+Shinnied down a drainpipe.
+Shopping: it's the most fun you can have standing up.
+You like to shinny? I like to shinny. Where do you see yourself in twenty years?
+One-armed drummer in a prison rock band.
+Nice! Favorite Beatle?
+Me too!
+There must be some reason no one ever adopted you. Is one of your feet a hand?
+People only want to adopt babies.
+Babies? We've got one of those. Overrated.
+Shop it somewhere else, sister.
+Dad, this is Charlie, my new, um, best friend.
+Hello, Sir.
+You're gonna be seeing a lot of him around the house.
+Well, welcome, Charlie! Nice to meet ya! No glasses -- way to go! This one's a keeper!
+Yo! Check out my brother, Charlie!
+Brother? What are you talkin' about? How come I've never seen him before?
+Uh, he was born with two noses and we hid him away till we could afford to cut one off.
+You deserve a brother, Bart. You deserve good things.
+When poking a dead animal, don't go straight for the eye. Build up to it.
+My son, afraid of water.
+So, Lisa, how do you like sharing a bathroom with two brothers?
+Two brothers? Bart, who is this kid?
+Be cool, be cool -- he's an orphan. You know, just like Annie, except he's a dude and he hates tomorrow.
+I hate it so much.
+Bart, you have to take him back!
+You're just jealous 'cause now I've got what you've got with Maggie, only better because we're dudes with 'tudes!
+It goes great with our "notton candy."
+Awesome -- they made a sequel to "Sever Four!" This movie's gonna be great! Full of blood and gore and torture and guts and...
+Two kid's tickets for "The Diversity Kittens."
+...and murder and swears and brains and basements...
+...and bones and saws and lungs and faces worn as hats...
+Now you probably think Sever Five is a rip-off of Sever Four, but it's actually based on the rich history of Hong Kong torture films.
+The boogeyman's gonna eat my brain!
+I'm sorry. I guess having a little brother is more responsibility than I thought. Especially 'cause I thought it'd be no responsibility at all.
+It's the boogeyman!
+There's no such thing as a boogeyman!
+Boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie!
+Simpson, step away from the orphan. Do not give him any more love. I repeat, do not give him any more love.
+Mister policeman, please take me home.
+That mean boy took me to a scary movie. And he covered his sister's doll in peanut butter and bird seed.
+Charlie, you'd rat on me?
+Hey, no, no, what do you think you're--
+My snout! My beautiful snout!
+Awesome fake-out!
+Sorry dude, I didn't see you.
+How could you not see me? My arms are like hams! Hammms!
+Go ahead, leave! That's what you're good at!
+Where are we gonna hide?
+I'unno.
+The same place Eskimos hide from penguins.
+Now Charlie, we have to live off what we find in the garbage: banana strings, muffin liners, but it'll be cool, 'cause it's just you and me.
+Hello, Bart.
+How did you find us?
+You left a trail of lost winter clothes.
+Are you gonna turn us in?
+No, I'm gonna convince you to turn yourselves in.
+Never, huh? What are you gonna eat?
+Snow. God's cotton candy.
+Better change your mind quick, Bart. A snow plow's coming to seal us in.
+The Plow King lives!
+And, Bart, maybe Charlie can't be your little brother, but you'll always be a big brother to me.
+Please don't send me back, Bart. This was the best day of my life.
+Oh no! You took too long to make an obvious decision!
+Don't worry. Me and Charlie have one thing you'll never have.
+Point and shoot, bro. Point and shoot.
+Oh, gross, gross, gross, gross.
+Hey, you're alive, aren't you?
+I wish I weren't.
+I'm here to visit Charlie.
+Charlie? He's gone. A nice new family adopted him. Now he has six wonderful sisters.
+He's so cute! / Let's do his nails! / He's my baby! / He's my baby! / Mom! / I'm telling! / Dad! / I want ice cream! / I'm a princess! / No, I'm a princess! / She got juice on my sweater! / Big cheater / You're the cheater / Ugly!
+So many sisters... save me, Bart!
+I know you miss him, boy. So let's you and me spend some quality father and son time.
+That's so fake. That's so fake. I don't know how they-- Too real!
+Oh, c'mon! Look out! What would that guy-- Look out! That's funny.
+BOIL THAT CABBAGE DOWN BOY / BOIL THAT CABBAGE DOWN
+Take it, Tom! Take it Tom. Hey, wait a minute. Wait, hold on. I said, take it, Tom. Didn't you hear me say "Take it, Tom?"
+I-I-I-I... I didn't hear you say "take it."
+Oh, what did you think you heard?
+I didn't I didn't think I heard what you think you said.
+Oh, what did you think I said?
+Well, I-I heard I- sounded like you said... naked bacon.
+Naked bacon.
+Sounded like it--
+Sounded like I said naked bacon.
+Did somebody say "naked bacon?"
+See. We all thought it was naked--
+Yeah. It sounded like naked bacon to me. I don't know why they say you're the dumb guy, Tom.
+I-I don't know, either. You said naked bacon.
+Well, I definitely said "take it, Tom."
+But if you--
+No, you said "naked bacon."
+That's what I thought.
+Well, I'll tell you, you may both agree, but folksingers never say take it naked bacon.
+Do you guys know Funky Town?
+Oh, I love going to aquatic parks -- they have worse rides than amusement parks, less fish than aquariums -- but the parking is ample!
+Now to seal you in for safety.
+Oh, there's so many photo ops, but I already filled up my camera in the parking lot...parking lot C sign... the tram... a license plate from Canada...
+They'll cheer a dancing octopus, but not an old man complaining about everything.
+A bird eating potato chips... my feet walking... that boy who got sick on the tram... Grampa talking to a mermaid hedge... the Park Rules in Spanish... a fat baby... Grampa telling a story to a trailer hitch... Oops, I erased them all!
+I wanna do that!
+I'm gonna take stuff from the lost and found!
+My feet hurt! My left ear's freezing! My right ear's burning! I got fish smell in my wrinkles!
+Attention, exploro-nauts!
+That's us!
+In one minute, we'll be starting our rock-quatic roll-tacular!
+Hurry! If we don't get a seat in the splash zone, I've worn my bathing suit under my clothes for nothing!
+A splash-'em-up show? Reminds me of the time I high-dived into a damp sponge for the amusement of Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker.
+Grampa, no stories! You can come with us, or sit here on the shark bench.
+You know, I did sit on a shark once...
+Dad, bathing suit!
+Oops, no bathing suit.
+Let's give a wet and wacky welcome to Springfield's oldest performing mollusk...
+Get to the show!
+This is the show! Here's the original "octo-mom" -- Slimu!
+Slimu! Did you get my letters?
+Slimu wasn't expecting company, so he's got some cleaning up to do!
+Slimu looks kind of uncomfortable.
+Wouldn't you be if you were a saltwater fish in a fresh water aquarium?
+The country has its first black president -- maybe it's time for the first octopus president!
+And when it comes to signing bills, he can provide his own ink!
+Mm, oily!
+Excuse me, sir, is this seat taken?
+Well, not for a pretty girl like you!
+Well, this is the first time I ever sat on a shark.
+Not me -- sat on a real one once!
+Tell me more!
+More?! Play it cool, Grampa. Play it cool!
+It was back in World War II. I was a seaman first class on the U.S.S. World War One. We were minding our own business, when we were attacked by a heat-seeking torpedo we had fired the day before.
+Don't worry about the sharks, boys -- just play possum and they'll leave you alone.
+Unfortunately, sharks love possum.
+Yeah. It's like ridin' the Cyclone back at Coney Island!
+It's like riding a dust devil back in Yuma -- like I read about in a book back in Boston!
+By the time the rescue planes came, we had those sharks trained pretty good.
+I still keep in touch with all those men and some of the sharks. Why, here's us in Hawaii last year. Good times.
+Sir, my name is Marshall Goldman. I'm a newspaper columnist specializing in human-interest stories.
+You're in the newspaper business? Something that's gonna die before I do!
+Have any other stories you'd care to tell me?
+Someone's listening to me! Now I know how a radio feels!
+Well class, it's Friday afternoon. That means it's time to find out which one of you gets to take Larry the Lamb home for the weekend.
+And don't forget, the lucky student gets to add his or her page to Larry's personal journal...just like Martin did last week. Ha!
+I want him first! / No, me! /
+Not that stupid stuffed lamb again. This isn't learning!
+Do you want to learn?
+No, no, no. I'm just sayin'...
+This weekend, Larry will go home wiiiith...
+Please, God, I need this.
+...Bart Simpson.
+O cruel irony!
+Hey, the only thing I bring home are notes to my parents, and those do not arrive the way that they left.
+What a nice note!
+I'm not sticking my hand in that can again. You're getting the lamb.
+Not so fast. Tell the diary how special he makes you feel!
+More adjectives!
+That's an adverb!
+Top of the mornin', Homer.
+Seen the paper?
+No, I get my news off the internet.
+Well, sir, it looks like your Dad is a quotable notable.
+It's funny... it's poignant... it actually happened... My father is interesting?! The whole world's upside down! That must mean Cathy is funny.
+Abe, I never knew you were so full of !
+What does that mean?
+It's like but with a pinch more !
+Yep, I may just be the best-known Abraham in history.
+So Abe, what else you got for me?
+Hmm, well, let's see... ooh, I was working as a shoeshine boy at Springfield Union Station...
+Every Monday, the Tinseltown Starliner would stop at one-seventeen p.m. on its way to Hollywood. I never rode that train, but I'd palaver with the movie stars when they got out to stretch their legs.
+But none was more memorable than...
+Looks like someone has seen my work as an extra in "Du Barry, Woman Of Passion."
+Maybe my ears are too big, I don't know. Hey, what you reading there?
+"Gone With The Wind," eh? Well let's see: garbage, garbage, my line... garbage, garbage, my line... Atlanta burns... nice dresses... I like it!
+Thanks, Kid. Don't tell this story to anyone for sixty years.
+...Clark Gable owes me a book. And he never paid me for the shoeshine. But his big blue eyes could melt the butter you kept in your pocket for lunch. Lunch butter we called it.
+How come Grampa never shares those stories with us?
+He does all the time. You just never listen.
+Marge, my brain is like a computer, and I file away Grampa's stories in a very special place.
+Hmm, while I'm up there...
+That's it, boy -- go for the nards!
+If you're not gonna take care of him right, then give him to me.
+How come you don't get mad when I torment real animals?
+I do! It enrages me!
+I thought you Hindus were supposed to love everybody.
+I'm a freakin' Buddhist! A Buddhist!
+Larry, please don't judge our whole family by Bart. He's the black sheep. Not that black sheep are in any way inferior to white sheep. I do not judge wool by its color -- only by how itchy it is. Ooh, look! Jazz!
+Larry, what sub-genre of jazz do you like? Fusion? Neo-bop?
+Afro-Cuban?
+Gotcha!
+Larry? Larry? Larry? Larryyyy?!
+You're comin' off desperate, honey.
+...that's how I got the idea for a suitcase with wheels, from watching a commercial about a suitcase with wheels.
+Hey Abe, great stories. I'm Mitch Albom, author of "Tuesdays With Morrie."
+Never heard of you.
+Yeah. Sure you haven't.
+Take a hike, Hollywood. I've already got a college boy to turn my every word into syndicated gold.
+Yeah, beat it, sports page!
+And what if I don't?
+Clouds are God's sneezes.
+Ooh, I like this kid.
+Oh Dad, I got you some scotch. One of those fancy ones the checkout lady had to unlock the cabinet to get.
+Well, well, well -- look who decided to visit me twice in one year.
+This man's more of a son to me than you've ever been.
+What the?! Well, he's more of a father to me than you've ever been.
+I don't think that's true.
+Stay out of this, Dad!
+Uh, no-- O-okay.
+You only care about me now because I'm famous!
+That's it! Here's your ring back.
+Ring? What ring?
+It's a father-son commitment band that I bought and never told you about!
+Okay, I need the stupid lamb back.
+He's in here. Safe and sound. Let me just staple that bag for you.
+This isn't Larry. It's just cotton balls on toilet paper rolls! Where's the real Larry?
+Drop that pillow!
+What do you care? You don't even like him.
+Of course I don't, but other people do!
+Hey, Bart. Can't wait to see Larry again.
+Um... what if someone were to lose Larry?
+They'd see a dark side of me no one knows about.
+NELSON LOVED A LITTLE LAMB / LITTLE LAMB, LITTLE LAMB / NELSON LOVED A LITTLE LAMB / HE KEPT ME NICE AND SANE...
+You've reached Abe!
+And Marshall! Abe can't come to the phone right now.
+And if this is Homer, you're too late for my love!
+Stupid Grampa. I try to end the cycle of neglect and he hits me with some super neglect!
+Maybe you're not really mad at Grampa. Maybe you're mad at yourself for taking him for granted all these years.
+Marge, how can anyone be mad at himself? It's impossible. Watch.
+Why you little... oh, I can't. When I look at those beautiful chubby cheeks... c'mere, you.
+I'll kill you! You son-of-a--- Don't look hurt. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
+I'll show Grampa. I'll find my own surrogate father, full of heart-warming stories I can share with the world.
+... and that's how you win an opium war!
+Oh, great stuff. And the life lesson is?...
+The Yangtze River swallows all secrets.
+Hmm... I'm just gonna put "haste makes waste."
+Yes, although these days I can make neither haste nor waste. You know, Simpson -- this has truly been a lovely afternoon.
+Release... a hound.
+Isn't that cute? He thinks he's a pack.
+Where'd you get this rope?
+Swiped it from gym class.
+Climb that rope!
+There is no rope.
+Well you'd better get to the ceiling somehow!
+Ceiling, ceiling, ceiling!
+Bart, I'm losing my grip!
+Put the rope in your teeth!
+What will that do?
+It'll shut you up!
+Larry? Larry the Lamb?
+There you are, you piece of crap.
+There's rats in my pants!
+Chief, my brother fell in the storm drain!
+Um, I'm strictly an "above-the-ground" policeman. What you need is the sewer cops.
+Fine. What's their number?
+Lisa, you're old enough now that I can tell you the truth: there's no such thing as the sewer cops. It's just something we tell kids to make them feel safe.
+What about Bart?
+Well, if you miss him, yell into a toilet.
+It's dark down here.
+I have a column I'd like to submit. Pay me whenever.
+I'll just take this to our editor.
+What? Pulitzer Prize application form?
+"When I rode with Abe Simpson on the Tinseltown Starliner, I never dreamed his first voyage would be his last? At three o'clock on Monday, Abe passed away peacefully in his sleep."
+How would he know Grampa was going to die today? Unless... he was going to kill him! But would someone really kill a man just to win a Pulitzer Prize?
+All aboard the final run of the Tinseltown Starliner, the last ride into a nostalgic past. Anyone without a ticket will be beaten by classic railroad bulls.
+OLD DAN TUCKER WAS A FINE OLD MAN
+HE WASHED HIS FACE IN THE FRYING PAN / HE COMBED HIS HAIR WITH A WAGON WHEEL
+AND DIED OF THE TOOTHACHE IN HIS HEEL
+You don't get a beatin' like this travelling by plane.
+I'm finally riding the Tinseltown Starliner! I could die a happy man.
+Drink up, Abe. Live each moment as if someone's about to kill you... I mean, as if it's your last.
+Sorry, my hearing aid's on the fritz. The only word I heard was "kill."
+Look at that, they've recreated the thirties... tent cities... failing banks...
+No, those are real.
+Beware of Marshall Goldmannn!
+What was that?!
+Um... an elephant on a circus train bellowing for his mother...
+Oh, I remember the first time an elephant tried to eat me like a peanut. I was on the set of a Warner Brothers cartoon. Jack Warner came by and said...
+Hey, Slimu!
+Yeah, you better run!
+Sewer cats!
+Larry, you saved my life! You're the most wonderful stuffed lamb in the world! I'm sorry about the mean things I said. We'll have the rest of the weekend to--
+Larrrrry!
+Man, everybody loves this guy. Give him my number. I'll teach him things. Things he can use.
+The older I get, the more I like the taste of hot water.
+HERE COMES THE PRIZE / PULITZER PRIZE / I'LL FINALLY BE SUCCESSFUL / IN MY MOTHER'S EYES
+A little lower... a little lower...
+It gets worse.
+See you tomorrow at yoga!
+Jane's sick so Tricia's filling in!
+As long as it's not a dude!
+How can you stand up to this punishment?
+I'm the toughest S.O.B. there is -- a bi-weekly human interest columnist. And your father's gonna make me a fortune. Pathetic old fool.
+Maybe so... but I know how to play possum!
+So many... hat boxes.
+Dad, I don't have the right words to say how I really feel about you, but at least I know how to beat up a guy who does.
+Well, at least you never tried to kill me.
+Just with indifference.
+You did good, kid. This is for the shoeshine.
+It's a ghost quarter, but you'll be able to spend it pretty soon.
+So Grampa, you really saved Dad's life?
+I sure did. But why don't we let Homer tell the story.
+Really? Me? You mean it?
+I think you're ready for your first ramble.
+I've been waiting for this day for so long. The year is nineteen forty-six. In a war-torn world, a single flower blooms. And that flower is an angry Japanese monster named Godzilla. How am I doin', Dad?
+I'm hangin' on every word.
+Fortunately there was one man who could help: Colonel Tom Parker. The Colonel took this monster, cleaned him up and put him onstage under the name "The Rolling Stones." The first concert was a sellout, with many, many, many people eaten. But those that survived raved about the undeniable harmonies and brutally honest lyrics of what they had just seen.
+Time to try out my new deep fryer.
+...and that lasted about five years. But then Godzilla dropped out for a while to do movies. All of the awful movies we see now today in the drive-ins that no longer exist.
+Don't worry, I'll put out the flames.
+Oops -- I used the wrong end!
+/ Hilarious!
+I don't like this -- real humor comes from people being nice to each other.
+Aw c'mon, Marge. There's nothing funnier than a good ol' bonk on the head.
+I concur.
+Not funny.
+Goodnight kids, and don't forget Krusty loves you!
+That's a wrap!
+And you kids in the studio audience, please hand back all the hats, toys and savings bonds I passed out during the taping.
+Great show, Krusty!
+Terrific! We've gotta make changes.
+Big changes.
+These are your ratings with young girls.
+Hey, if my writers knew how to appeal to girls, they wouldn't be writers.
+First of all, we love being in the Krusty business.
+Subtitle: "We don't trust you at all."
+Anyway, we're giving you a new female co-star and she starts Monday.
+What?! A new co-star?!
+Suppose I refuse to go along with this?
+Then we've got an entire reality show all set to pick the new you.
+Hey, hey! I'm non-union!
+Okay, okay, change the show however you want! Make it exactly like the other crap on your network, but just let me stay!
+Now that's groveling!
+Who wants fresh donuts?
+Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
+And I even got rainbow sprinkles!
+Some rainbow -- there's no violet.
+Then don't have any.
+Hey, don't listen to me! What do I know about rainbows?!
+None for me, Marge. I get free donuts at work! I can see them now... in the break room, beside the fridge, the pink cardboard box awaits...
+...groaning with a "United Nations" of donuts: jellies rubbing elbows with cream-filled, the masculine contours of the box juxtaposed with the feminine curves of the treats themselves...
+Why didn't you try to stop him?
+I did, once.
+No pink box?! Wha -- what's going on?
+I'm afraid your daily donuts are no more.
+You... can't... do that...
+Until Mr. Roosevelt's New Deal starts working, this country's still in a depression. I'm spending a fortune on atoms, and we have to cut costs!
+But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than donuts.
+Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.
+...or all the joke I.D. badges we order.
+No donuts!
+Exactly.
+HEY! HEY! But seriously -- hey, hey, kids. A word about today's show. The network "geniuses" -- with the ink still drying on their MBAs...
+...think your ol' pal Krusty should share his limelight with an up-and-coming new star.
+Let's give a respectful welcome to... Princess Penelope!
+WHERE DO I KEEP MY PRINCESS-NESS? / IT'S NOT IN MY JEWELS OR MY CROWN
+IT'S NOT IN THE SMILES OF MY HANDMAIDS THREE / WHO HOLD UP THE TRAIN OF MY GOWN...
+IT'S THE PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO BE
+THE GIRL WHOM EVERYONE FLATTERS...
+'CAUSE IN HER HEART A PRINCESS KNOWS / SHE'S THE ONLY GIRL WHO MATTERS!
+I can't keep watching this dreck.
+Much better.
+First girls ruined "Sex And The City," now this!
+I agree it's cliché, but she does have a certain-- Unicorn!
+That is so fake. You can see the strap on the horn!
+Just give me this!
+Easy there, habitrail.
+They took away our donuts at work! All I've had are my meals!
+And the worst thing is, there's nothing we can do about it.
+I think that's the best thing -- 'cause then you can say "well, there's nothin' we can do about it."
+Bartender, buy these men a round on me.
+You want to "buy a round?" I heard about that in bartending school, but I never seen it happen.
+Oh, this is very good for me. Very good indeed.
+Gator McCall. I'm a head hunter.
+I'm a corporate recruiter who specializes in nuclear workers.
+I guess these days headhunters can be anything.
+You nuclear workers have no idea how valuable you are. Times have never been better for your industry, now that all the protesters who marched in front of nuclear power plants are dying off from radiation poisonin'.
+Are these business cards? Or passports to a better future?
+Business cards.
+Krusty, thanks to Princess Penelope, your studio audience is packed -- and we didn't need any cardboard kids!
+Yeah, but they're all girls!
+Girls don't laugh, and they don't buy cigars. Dutch Masters is gonna drop us like a hot potato!
+Hey, hey, kids! Let's see what's in the news: I see we reached a soft timber agreement with Canada...
+We want the Princess!
+Don't forget the unicorn!
+Did I hear the sound of wishes being wished?
+Yes! / You did! / That was us! /
+GLITTER AND SPARKLE, ONE, TWO, THREE! YOU'RE ALL PRINCESSES JUST LIKE ME!
+Breathin' all this stuff can't be good.
+Poor Krusty. He's become the lowest form of life -- a sidekick.
+You said it, Bart! Way to sum up the situation!
+Take it easy, little buddy.
+That's exactly how I'll take it!
+Do you want to come in and get your sister with me?
+Hell no.
+Watch your language! Now, why the hell not?
+The Krusty Show sucks now. It's all pink and princessy. Why are great things always ruined by women? The Army... the Fantastic Four... think how awesome American Idol would be with just Simon and Randy!
+Oh Bart, you say that now. But when you're grown up, you'll just think it. Now you stay here and I'll get your sister.
+Princess Penelope! Sign mine! Sign mine!
+What the--
+Where's all your Krusty stuff?
+Right through that magical door.
+Aye carumba!
+Krusty?
+I'm a Star Wars!
+Snap out of it! You're Krusty the clown! One of Look Magazine's hundred most-promising clowns of nineteen fifty-eight!
+A lot of suicides in that group... funny suicides but still. My day is over, kid.
+What are you talking about? Whose name is on that sign?
+Hey, how'd this one get way over here?
+That's it! I've hit rock bottom. Well, my comeback starts now!
+I mean, now!
+Let me start by getting out of the dumpster!
+Why do clown things always happen to clowns?
+Now other nuclear plants let their employees tape Gary Larson cartoons on their workstations. But here at Cap City Nuclear, you can actually see...Gary Larson!
+Gary Larson?! I thought you retired.
+I was retired, until I got the call from Capital City Nuclear, offering me the chance to be the in-house cartoonist at a nuclear plant.
+Gary, why don't you whip up an instant classic for my friends here?
+You got it, Gator.
+Man, a lion would not want to see that on his x-ray!
+Where are you? Where? You're not even in Nassau County anymore -- you're in Suffolk.
+Look, look. No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. You're going the wrong way. Hold on. Coming!
+Now see here, Little Miss Scene Stealer, I'm the star of the show. You're just the reason people tune in.
+Krusty, there's something I have to tell you.
+No, no! Let me finish: I work like I drink -- alone. Or with a monkey watching me.
+Krusty... I love you.
+That way, if I pass out, he turns me on my side so-- You what?!
+I have loved you since I was a twelve-year-old girl, in Mineola, Long Island, watching your show.
+WDQT? They had this fat, pathetic station manager--
+That was my father.
+Great guy.
+I still have my Krusty Klub ring.
+I wasn't popular because I was more beautiful and friendly than everyone else. But whenever I looked at this ring, I knew I had one friend.
+You know those rings came with a membership card.
+That's the one.
+Oh my God. Please don't tell me I died on the operating table again.
+You didn't. This is real, Krusty.
+Welcome to the "Krusty and Princess Penelope Smoochie Poo I Love You Hour"! No laughs, just hugs and cuddles.
+Don't worry. Mr. Teeny's got a flaming arrow.
+Oh, yuck.
+THIS OLD CLOWN / TEE HEE HEE / HE'S AS HAPPY AS CAN BE / 'CAUSE I GOT A GIRLFRIEND UNDER THIRTY-THREE...
+I walked nineteen miles for this?
+CAN'T YOU KIDS BE GLAD FOR ME?
+I AM HER / SHE IS ME / I'M JUST LIKE / PENELOPE...
+IT'S STILL ON / IN MY HEAD / IT WILL BE THERE TILL I'M DEAD...
+Whether she's competing in equestrian events at the 1976 Olympics or spending her summers at Holyrood Palace, Princess Anne is truly a world leader.
+Okay, so far, for "Inspirational Women Day" we've had one Princess Anne, fifteen Dianas, two baby Princess Ingrid Alexandras of Norway, and one Princess Leia.
+I don't care what anyone says -- massages are relaxing!
+Now If you boys sign up with Cap City Nuclear, you'll get weekly massages, plus free sushi right through the face hole!
+Sir, I have some unsettling news -- three of our workers are being poached. The heart of our tug-of-war team!
+No! No! This is our year! How can this be happening?
+Sir, I'm afraid your donut-cutting measures, while reasonable, were perceived as draconian.
+Comparing me to old Draco, eh? I'll have to do something about this.
+I WAS A PARCHED WIDDLE SEEDLING...
+UNTIL YOU WERE WATERED WITH LOVE!
+LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
+Stop the music!
+Thank God.
+I'm sick and tired of this woman...not being married to me!
+Penelope, will you be my princess bride?
+Oh, Krusty! Yes! Yes!
+That's it -- game over.
+Is it, Bart? Is it?
+What are you talking about?
+A wedding is a complex thing, Bart -- it's so easy for something to go wrong.
+Milhouse Van Houten...will you do me the honor of ruining Krusty's wedding with me?
+Oh Bart, this is all happening so fast! Let's call my mom together!
+Goodbye, power plant. I'd better get out of here before I have a meltdown.
+If I hadn't had to work in you, we might've been friends.
+So long!
+Oh, right.
+Gentlemen...
+Please don't leave me!
+I don't care!
+Sir -- I'm afraid it's too late.
+Oh, I imagine Cap City's been wooing you with trips to the seashore, a Christmas goose, Spanish lemons... folderol I can't afford to match. But please, accept this little going away present.
+You can't win us back with mere donuts.
+Oh, but these aren't just any donuts. These donuts were made the old-fashioned way: the dough is sweetened with Cuban sugar from pre-Batista plantations, then it's deep fried in the tallow of three different animals, two of which are now extinct.
+That is the most amazing donut I've ever tasted.
+Well, if you stay on at the Springfield Nuclear Plant, you could have one of these tasty beauties every day.
+One of these every day might kill us.
+Can we get a health plan to go with them?
+Sure, you can have a health plan... or, two donuts a day...
+Move over, Brangelina!
+Take a back seat, Queen Latifarod!
+Because today belongs to "Krustelope!"
+This is the fifteenth marriage for Krusty, and the first for "Princess Penelope," who is not, in fact, a real princess. Her actual name is: Penelope Mountbatten Hapsburg Hohenzollern Mulan-Pocahontas.
+Well, let's do the ceremony.
+Friends, loved ones, we are gathered here today to marry a Jew and a Congregationalist -- is that even a thing? And now, let's continue with this mockery.
+You're not my ring bearer! What happened to the monkey?
+I locked him in the torah room.
+Kid, what's your angle? I'm trying to seal the deal over here.
+Princess, before you marry Krusty, there's someone you should meet...
+Holly Hippie. Krusty's sidekick in 1969 and his first wife.
+He wouldn't let me watch the moon landing!
+I was jealous of Neil Armstrong!
+And his last wife, Eartha Kitt, recorded this before her untimely death.
+They were only married for six hours, but she still hated Krusty.
+He was asleep for five of those hours. And the one he was awake, was a cat-tastrophe.
+Wow, wow. This is such an eye-opener.
+I am blown away by how little this bothers me. I really love this guy.
+And you are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
+And that's why I can't marry you.
+This kid and his ugly sister are right. I won't be good enough for ya.
+You can never disappoint me. I know your past -- your mug shots, your bowling alley shoe spray addiction, your country album. They don't bother me.
+They don't?
+Don't you love me?
+Princess, you're the only woman I care about enough to ditch at the altar.
+Okay Krusty, if that's how you feel. We'll always have Sideshow Mel's dressing room.
+What? Ew!
+WE'RE AF-TER THE SAME RAINBOW'S END-- / WAITING 'ROUND THE BEND MY HUCKLEBERRY FRIEND / MOON RIVER AND ME...
+Merci. Merci.
+Just my imagination.
+No it wasn't!
+I came here looking for you, and I fell off the boat!
+Krusty! My Borscht Belt Baby!
+You changed your mind!
+I'd rather be a happy shnook than a noble shlumpf.
+YOU LIKE POTATO...
+AND YOU LIKE POTATO...
+YOU LIKE TOMATO...
+AND YOU LIKE TOMATO...
+potato!
+potato!
+TOMATO!
+TOMATO!
+LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF...ICIALLY ONNNNN!
+AND TOAST... VALERIE AND DAAAAAVE!
+TOGASAKI-ROTHMAN!
+You guys will be the hit of cousin Valerie's wedding reception!
+Can I just ask, who the hell says potato?
+Songwriters who are stuck!
+Homie, I'm still a little nervous about performing in front of all those people...
+Don't worry, sweetie. With me at your side, our toast will do just what it's supposed to: steal focus from the bride.
+Why is everyone staring at static?
+We don't have one of those digital conversion gizmos.
+I miss the history channel, dammit! How else would I know what I lived through?
+Maybe I should go out and get you guys a converter.
+Aw, that's sweet. Here's all the money we would've given to televangelists.
+Wow! How long has the TV been out?
+'Bout ten minutes.
+I feel like I'm mashing the tufty on the links at Saint Andrew's!
+Sir, your cheeks are ruddy! Did you eat a sugar cube while I wasn't watching?
+All right, it's all hooked up.
+No, it's all thanks to this self-powered experience approximater!
+I've never seen Mr. Burns this happy.
+Just think what that game could do for Grampa and his friends!
+Wait, I'm shooting at Nazis? That's not how I remember it.
+See you at five on the dot. Phone kisses!
+Homer's got a girlfriend!
+She's not my girlfriend. She's a girl who I married, who used to be my friend.
+What's your fortune say?
+"You will enjoy the company of others." Wow! That's exactly what I'm enjoying right now! Spooky.
+Mine says "Something you lost will soon turn up." My faith in the Lord -- it came back!
+"Today is your lucky day." Yeah, pfft!
+Hey Homer, if I was you, I wouldn't be so quick to say "pfft."
+Yeah, these cookies are on the up-and-up now, according to the only honest newspaper: the Beijing Daily Worker.
+If it's your lucky day, you'd be a fool not to take advantage of it.
+Hey, any part of a cookie you can't eat is just a waste of time--
+What incredible good luck!
+Just as the cookie foretold.
+Hmm, maybe this is my lucky day.
+A disc? Please be compact, please be compact! Woo-hoo!
+Here we go.
+OOOH, WHAT A LUCKY MAN...
+I IS! OOOH, WHAT A LUCKY MAN I IS! BOO-WEEE-BOO-WEEE-WEE-DOO-DOO-DEE-DEE-DOO-DOO
+If it's your lucky day, you'd be a fool not to take advantage of it.
+There's no time! I need you for the wedding toast!
+My hair!
+Now let's get that ticket.
+C'mon, line, move! Maybe it'll speed up if I make "can you believe this" noises. Oh for goodness sake--
+Thank you, come again. Who's next? Hello
+...Yo no creía en fortunas, pero entonces me salió una galleta...
+Sí, sí...
+...que decía que hoy era mi día dichoso. Primero no lo creí, pero entonces me caí contra la maquina de dulces, ay, ay, ay!
+...And now, Valerie and Dave will deliver their own vows, because my vows apparently weren't good enough. Show me how it's done, Dave.
+"Valerie, even though you're a "Starbucks" girl, and I'm a "Seattle's Best" guy, I know we can focus on the things we have in common -- like "Mad Men," Season Two!"
+I give it a year.
+Homer! Where are you?
+I'm almost there... I can see the church steeple in the distance...
+Uh-oh, here comes a train.
+Tickets, please. Hey, where's your ticket? Leave me alone! Why you little...
+Good evening, Mr. Homer, how can I--
+No time to pretend we're friends! Lotto me!
+One, six, seventeen, twenty-two, twenty-four, thirty-five.
+I did it! I'm gonna make it!
+YOU LIKE POTATO... YOU LIKE TOMATO...
+POTATO... TOMATO... LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING--
+I'm a-comin', Marge!
+Let him go, Lou. Someone going that fast has no time for a ticket.
+Okay, who's ready for a wedding-theme knock-knock joke?
+Start the joke!
+Um, knock-knock?
+Who's there?
+I'unno.
+Did I hear "lettuce?"
+Not from me, you didn't.
+Lettuce who?
+I don't know!
+Don't drag your kid into this!
+Lettuce... congratulate the new couple.
+Why won't she stop?!
+There, there. There, there, sweetie.
+I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it!
+I didn't make it?
+Here I am, about to start my new life in Springfield!
+What an idiot! This is the perfect time for my catchphrase: soon you will be mi-- --
+Homie? Homie, can you hear me?
+Oh thank God you're okay!
+I'm alive! And surrounded by the...people I love the most in the...
+Could you scooch over a bit?
+Our top story: last night's big lotto winner has still not come forward.
+Once again, those numbers are: one, six, seventeen, twenty-two, twenty-four, and thirty-five.
+The mysterious winner purchased the ticket at seven-oh-seven last night.
+Seven-oh-seven? That's exactly the moment I was furious at you for missing our toast. And now I'm the one who has to ask... Can you forgive me?
+I'll try.
+Wow, I do look pretty calm down there.
+Ladies and gentlemen, the Orchard Avenue Kwik-E-Mart, birthplace of the yardstick on the doorframe that tells you how tall your robber was, is proud to announce its latest lotto victor... Mr. Barney Gumble!
+That's right! I bought the winning ticket! And now I can buy back all the blood I sold!
+Actually, after taxes, the amount you will receive is...
+This money will go to partially cover the cost of a study to decide what to do with the money.
+Barn, thanks for picking up the money for me.
+Now, what should I buy first? Hitler's baseball? A mirror that gives me advice?
+My advice is to buy Hitler's baseball.
+Wait a minute, Homer! You can't spend any of that money or Marge will know you lied.
+Oh yeah.
+Marge? What are you doing?
+The laundry. The machine's on the fritz, and we can't afford the four hundred dollars to fix it.
+Here I am a millionaire, and I can't even help the woman who gave birth to me.
+Why don't you just buy things your family needs, and leave them where they'll find them?
+Oh Barney, that's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
+That's not the money tree.
+I know. It's where I hide my adult magazines.
+This isn't normal TV. It's a videogame that encourages activity and exercise!
+Please, at least try the tennis game.
+My puppet -- with this wand I control it how? By jumping?
+You use the wand like a tennis racket to hit an invisible ball.
+Look at me! I'm big Bill Tilden!
+I think I'm lookin' at a poop later.
+Catch, boy!
+Oops -- the Frisbee went into the bushes. Why don't you go find it?
+You threw it, you go find it.
+Why you little...
+Ow! There's a big box in here!
+A box? No way!
+A new washing machine? No way!
+That's just what we need! But how are we going to get it home?
+You go rent us a truck.
+And now, Marge's secret benefactor is going to get her the luxury she's always dreamed of: a toaster wide enough for bagels. I'll just take out a little money from my "local branch."
+Hm. Not as much money as there used to be.
+What are you doing?
+Why... I'm just...
+There's money in this tree. What the hell is going on?
+Lenny... and Carl... A fortune cookie... I ran into the candy machine... and I found an Emerson, Lake, and Palmer...
+Okay, let me get this straight -- you got all this moolah, legitimately, but you're too scared to do anything fun with it?
+Son, if I was interested in fun, I would've run away the day you were born.
+Look man, you've got to enjoy yourself a little. You work hard, or at least you're out of the house a lot.
+You're right. I have been acting like Telethon Jerry Lewis when I should've been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis. Will you teach me how to put myself first?
+And how.
+Not so fast!
+Don't forget my cut.
+Um... your cut of what?
+I don't know. I just go around sayin' that, in the hope it'll be applicable. I'll be on my way now.
+On my way.
+I have to go to the bathroom!
+So... where you from, Homer?
+Yes, Homer?
+Do you think you could use someone like me in your band?
+Yeah. Come on up. You can play the tambourine.
+I said someone like me, I didn't say me.
+Here we go, folks -- the ultimate zero-gravity experience!
+Look at me! I'm flying, like Superman's dog!
+Race you to the cockpit!
+I'm gonna call you Benson and Hedges 'cause you're gettin' smoked!
+Lisa, thanks to your new whatsis, we're as fit as fiddles.
+Nurse -- another round of waters in your finest paper cups!
+And I'm gonna need a little Ben Gay for this shoulder.
+I'd like a fresh pair of socks tomorrow.
+A matching pair.
+I want to put salt on things!
+Tell me what my name is!
+Take away my roommate! He's dead!
+Folks, it's time for our final run.
+No way! I wanna go a million more times!
+Sorry boy. You have school tomorrow.
+Rich kids don't need school! When I grow up, you can buy an apartment building and make me the super.
+With that attitude, you'll never super in one of my buildings!
+Boy, I am through spoiling you. First thing tomorrow you're going back to the rotten life you've always enjoyed.
+Oh yeah? If you don't keep splashing the cash, I'm gonna tell Mom that it's thanks to you she made the first bad wedding toast ever.
+Blackmail your father in space, will you?!
+Why is the TV back on? What happened to the videogame?
+Oh, the videogame. You'd think it'd be dishwasher-safe, but it wasn't.
+Why would you put it in the dishwasher?
+You ruined it on purpose. You want the old folks to be zombies -- because it makes your jobs easier!
+Ooh, excuse us. We tried to make the worst job in the world easier.
+Well, I agree it's not the most pleasant job in the world, but...
+Don't forget the low pay and the constant presence of death.
+Well, you still should have let them have their fun!
+They should've had their fun before they got here.
+Who's ready for Panini?
+Up -- that's my chair, boy.
+No problem. I'll just sit here, closer to Mom's ear. Mom, how do you think we really got that Panini Press?
+I thought the government sent it to us as part of the stimulus package. At least that's what the letter said.
+Well actually, Mom--
+I'm not a dude, I'm a hottie!
+Um, on second thought, boy, why don't you take my chair?
+So Bart, how's your big school presentation coming along?
+Oh great, now that Dad's gonna star in it.
+I agreed to no such thing!
+Mo-om...
+Where and what time?
+Homeroom, eight a.m.
+Mo-om...
+What do I wear?
+Behold, Neanderthal man -- our ugliest, stupidest ancestor!
+Come on, missing link. Put on a show.
+Make a fire! Be scared of the fire! Evolve! Evolve! Get religious about a bird you see! Sprain your ankle and know it's a death sentence!
+Very good, Bart.
+Can I get extra credit for a caveman break dance?
+Of course.
+Homer! I need you to rickshaw me to soccer practice!
+Fine. Let me just get my harness pads.
+No time.
+Boy, this has gone too far -- I quit! As soon as I finish these oats.
+Hey, hey, hey. Let's not get crazy. If you quit, I'm telling Mom everything.
+Not if I tell her first.
+Now how am I supposed to get to soccer practice?
+Hey Milhouse, want a turn pulling my rickshaw?
+Okay, but just 'cause I'm your best friend, don't be afraid to use that whip.
+Okay, I'm taking off the blindfold...
+Surprised?
+Well, I kind of got a clue when I heard that "ballooning safety" video.
+Marge, soaring above the forgiving beauty of nature, I have something to confess. Um... I wasn't there for that wedding toast because... I was buying a lottery ticket.
+You were what?!
+You have a right to be angry. Furious! And even though that ticket won a million dollars and--
+We've got a million dollars?! Screw the toast!
+Uh, yes, well, um... taxes took out a lot... I spent a ton on those things for the family... and um, I didn't know you could rent a balloon...
+So we're right back where we used to be.
+Yes, but I have one more thing to show you.
+Oh my God!
+Marge, those groves of cherry blossoms will bloom every year, to remind the world of the sweetest, most forgiving woman who ever lived... am I off the hook?
+YOU LIKE POTATO...
+AND YOU LIKE POTATO...
+YOU LIKE TOMATO...
+AND YOU LIKE TOMATO...
+SO IF YOU GO FOR OYSTERS AND I GO FOR ERSTERS, I'LL ORDER OYSTERS AND CANCEL THE ERSTERS / FOR WE KNOW WE NEED EACH OTHER SO WE / BETTER CALL THE CALLING OFF OFF, / LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OOOOOFFF!
+Okay kids, time to apply the final "date night" touch. Lisa, spray just a hint of perfume on my neck, Bart, you tell me this dress doesn't make me look fat. And... now!
+You don't look fat.
+Thank you.
+Homer, you don't look fat.
+Carl, you're a liar, but I love it.
+Date night: it's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
+I never shoulda given you that Egyptology book.
+Gentlemen, I'm afraid we've detected a small leak somewhere in the heavy water piping facility.
+Don't leave until you find that leak!
+Uh, Mr. Burns, couldn't we patch the leak tomorrow? It's date night.
+Oh, indeed it is. Tonight I will be continuing my courtship of Princess Wilhelmina of Prussia.
+Tonight's the night I pop the question: where's the Kaiser's gold? Now get to work on that leak!
+We now return to "The Real Housewives of Shelbyville."
+Angelo stood me up on date night, so I showed him: I had one of my boobs reduced.
+You're one smart cookie, Rosemary. That left boob was too good for him.
+We're appalling!
+I'm sorry I missed dinner, honey. We still have time to catch a movie. That can be romantic.
+Really? How romantic?
+It'll make a walk on the beach seem like a punch in the face.
+Did you call the furnace man?
+You said you were gonna call him.
+He's your cousin!
+Well maybe we can just get through the winter without heat!
+Guess I'll have to take care of this like I took care of your speeding tickets.
+It's so noisy in here! I can't hear the ad telling everyone to be quiet!
+Hey, we came here to enjoy the movie and we're going to enjoy the movie.
+We're outta here.
+This isn't fair! I want romance!
+How about bromance?
+It's not the same.
+Dude...
+This bromance just got interesting.
+Ooh, ice skating.
+A sport that encourages hand-holding.
+Would you like to wear mittens or go commando?
+Sorry, no skating tonight.
+What, they come here on Saturday night to clean the ice? Losers.
+Actually...
+...It's called "curling." Players slide the heavy stones toward the circle, or "house..."
+...as teammates control the direction and speed of the stone by sweeping in front of it with a special broom.
+Marge, this is perfect for both of us! It's got bowling for me and sweeping for you!
+Maybe you'd like to give it a try?
+Let us curl, M'lady. Let us throw and sweep a'twain until the Heavens themselves drop their jaws in wonder and envy! And afterwards there'll be beer, and cocoa, with marshmallows floating in the foam. And if, from now till the end of time, someone should ask what we were doing on the eve of the seventeenth of November, we shall proclaim that WE WERE CURLING!
+This is what you're like when you don't drink!
+Young woman! Where'd you learn to sweep like that?
+I've been training all my life. I once swept red wine off a white carpet.
+I like your style, Blue. Wanna join our team?
+If Homer can join with me.
+Fine. You two are off the team.
+I see. Well, I guess we can return these bodysuits to the store.
+So we'd just thrown a biter, and Homer said to kick harder off the hack. So I did... and I almost fouled the hog line!
+Exciting, exciting. I just have one question: is curling a real thing?
+Are you sure you're okay?
+Yeah. Or is it just a cover story for a grownup thing we're not allowed to know about?
+Yeah, like the time you said Dad was taking a weekend leadership seminar, when he was really stuck in a barrel at the junkyard?
+Curling is real.
+The realest thing I've ever done.
+Principal Skinner?! This is bogus, man. You know the rules: two letters and a conference before I get a home visit.
+Bart, my cargo pants indicate that I'm not here on school business. I'm here on "cool" business, i.e. curling.
+Hey, look who "slid" into our "house."
+Great curling reference.
+What's up, Seymour?
+Astonishing news out of Eau Claire, Wisconsin: the Olympic Committee has announced that Mixed Curling will be a Demonstration Event at the Winter Olympics!
+There's a Winter Olympics?
+Homer, while you were imagining what the Winter Olympics were, Seymour said we were all going to the Olympic trials!
+Olympic trials, eh?
+He usually stays out like this for about thirty seconds. Want some coffee?
+Mmm, that'd be great.
+Terrible, Seymour! You're a disgrace to frozen water!
+You love your son. How can you be so hard on him?
+Marge, love has nothing to do with winning. Believe me, I know...
+I was in love with a soldier boy, on leave from Korea. It was a fifties-style romance, three minutes of sex and a lifetime of regret.
+He went back to his war and I went back to my dream: pole vaulting in the Helsinki Olympics.
+But, there was a bump in the road...
+A bump named Seymour!
+Someone has to convert that kinetic energy back into potential!
+The whole nine months, Seymour had just laid there like a lump. Then this pre-natal nitwit decides to do his Rockettes impression.
+Before he was even born, he ruined my life.
+Yes, that involuntary pre-conscious reflex I made in utero was unforgivable.
+The point is, don't let your feelings get in the way of winning. They don't give out medals for being a loving wife.
+Well, they should.
+Well, they don't!
+Oh, wise guys, eh?
+Sweep! Sweep! Left, right! Left, right! Back-and-forth!
+Excuse me? I think this fell off your hat.
+Oh, thanks. That's "Chilbert." One of the four Winter Games mascots.
+Would you like it? I've got doubles.
+Thank you!
+Just beware. Collecting Olympic pins can be kind of... addictive.
+Come on. They're just pins.
+But he does look lonely all by himself...
+Buy us! Buy us with money!
+One Labatty, please.
+Looks like we hooked another one.
+Please let me go back to the cruise ship. I was Chief Purser.
+Never! Now get back in character, Monsieur Wee Wee.
+Some day I'll be the tall guy.
+All Dad needs to do is put his stone inside that circle and they win.
+Oh my God! Dad threw too hard!
+That stone is coming in like a rocket! It's gotta be going four, maybe five miles an hour!
+Homie! We're going to Vancouver!
+Pack your winter coat! We're going to Canada's warmest city!
+Homer, who's that?
+She used to be my therapist.
+How can I ever thank you?
+Pay your bill!
+I couldn't hear the last thing you said! Goodbye forever!
+Bob Costas at the two thousand ten Vancouver Games! For the Beijing games, China picked famed director Zhang Yimou to stage its Opening Ceremony. Tonight, Canada turns to its most famous director: Ivan Reitman -- the man who brought us "Ghostbusters"!
+Who you gonna call? Albania!
+Who you gonna call? Algeria! Who you gonna call? Argentina!
+Who you gonna call? Zimbabwe. And now, not competing but observing: Who you gonna call? Angola...
+And now, in the Olympic spirit of peace and goodwill, we release the Canadian dove -- the beaver.
+This was all preventable!
+Hey Lis, wanna come with? I'm snowboarding with my new Canadian friend, Milhoose.
+Hey, Bort. Your sister's hotter than a Calgary brush-fire. Mind if I ask her oot?
+Sorry, but I was planning to stop by the Olympic Pin Center to fill in a few small gaps in my collection. Y'know, just to get me through the day.
+She's as loony as a one dollar coin.
+Hey, hoser. Want some Canadian Club?
+Hoo-hoo!
+OH, A PORK BAO, A SHRIMP BAO, EVERYWHERE A BAO BAO / HOMER SIMPSON WINS A GOLD / SLIDING ROCKS ON ICE... BAO BAO!
+Marge, we need to talk about your husband.
+My favorite subject. I'll go first. Isn't he cute?
+A little. But as an Olympic curler, he's dragging us down like an anchor on a bag of toasters.
+But Homer tries his best.
+We know. That's why we're positive he'll never get any better. I had one Olympics ruined by a bald, drooling idiot but it's not gonna happen again.
+I was not bald! My fontanel was covered by lanugo!
+Whatever. We want Homer off the team.
+Well who made you the coach?
+The hat makes me the coach.
+Well, Homer's my soul mate! And you don't dump a soul mate!
+Oh my God, I'm holding back the team. But our marriage is based on curling. What am I gonna do?
+Oh my gosh. It's the mascot from the 1924 games in Chamonix!
+That's right, it's Ennui, himself.
+I must have him!
+Um... Can I have it on account? On account of I want it? You've heard that one, huh?
+No, it's just not funny the first time. But if you want to trade, I could take uh, oh I dunno, those pearls you're wearing.
+My pearls? These were a gift from my Mom, when I could first read at a twelfth grade level.
+You wanna yak or you wanna trade?
+Just take 'em.
+I saw you grooving to the beat! You gotta pay for that!
+Lis, what's going on? You're not normally this interesting.
+Nothing's going on. Just sharing my music with the good people of Vancouver.
+A dime? What do you think I am -- a pay phone from nineteen eighty?!
+I'm fine! Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine...
+What's that noise?
+Your dress is covered with pins.
+There is no dress. It's just pins! Help me!
+What are you doing?
+I like to warm up by sweeping behind the snack bar.
+Boo yeah!
+Well, no matter what you do, it won't make up for Sir Slip-a-lot over there.
+Yes it will. I'll just sweep harder than anyone's ever swept before. Because without Homer I'm a broom without a stone. No use for anything.
+Wow. That's love, Seymour. I'm glad you saw it once before you died.
+If Homer Simpson doesn't land this stone in center house, the only gold they'll be going home with is Lisa's pin collection.
+That tidbit courtesy of our highly-paid intern, Tom Brokaw.
+I love to learn about Lisa.
+Oh my, that delivery has less juice than Sunny Delight!
+Marge Simpson is sweeping fast and clean, but it won't be enough.
+I've never seen this before -- Marge Simpson is trying to restart a stone!
+C'mon, baby!
+She did it! She pulled off an impossible move... just like the time I shaved off Larry Bird's moustache while he was napping.
+Team U.S.A. heads to the Gold medal match!
+But wait a minute! Marge Simpson looks hurt!
+This is the sort of bittersweet melodrama Olympic coverage feeds on! I admit it! We're vampires who suck on shattered dreams!
+That's my Marge! High-five!
+Hold on a sec. Marge, let me look at that shoulder.
+Sorry, but I'm afraid she'll never curl again.
+It's stuck!
+That looks like the end of team USA's dream. It appears team Sweden will clinch the gold, and they are over the moon with joy.
+Joy is but the shadow pain casts.
+Can I help you with that?
+I'll do it myself. When we do things together, they always turn out badly -- for me!
+Ooo, you're hot when you're horny...
+I'm not horny, I'm mad.
+Ooo, you're mad when you're angry...
+Marge, you're really good with your left hand.
+I should be, I'm left-handed. I've been using my right hand all these years 'cause I didn't want to seem unusual in any way.
+Lisa, I know everything about addiction that you can learn from watching Dad. The first thing you have to do is get clean, so give me your pins. All of them.
+What is this, tough love?
+Eh, it's a little more like soft hate.
+I said, all of them.
+And now just put your pearls back on and we'll go get some coffee.
+It's not that easy, Bart. I... traded away my pearls! Without them, I'm just a big Maggie!
+What'll you take for the pearls?
+Nothin' you got, Junior.
+Really? Not even this first-ever pin from the twenty-fourteen Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia?
+His name is "Fatov." He represents the Russian spirit of sloth and alcoholism.
+Fatov...
+All for you.
+Hey, I like art, okay?
+We'll return to sudden-death overtime in the gold medal hockey game between Russia and the U.S. in a moment, but first: the Forfeiture-signing Ceremony, where the injury-stricken U.S. mixed curling team is about to concede its chance at gold to Sweden.
+Team Captain Seymour Skinner is preparing to sign. There's been some question as to whether he'll use his middle name. I guess we're about to find out. Okay, here comes the pen. The ink appears to be blue...
+No surrender!
+Let's give the Olympics a miracle!
+But this time, on ice!
+Look at that broom work!
+Ah, they shouldn't be playing Quidditch at all! Not while four of the seven horcruxes are still unfound!
+Sacre bleu!
+Sacred blue!
+It's okay, son. You did your best.
+Really, mother? You mean that?
+I do. Before now, I never knew a mother could love her child. Win or lose, I'm taking you out for pizza and ice cream -- and we can sit at the same table.
+The U.S.A. has won Demonstration Gold. Our first and only medals of these entire Olympics. Kids, open your history books, tear out the pages and put this indelible Olympic moment in!
+U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
+How's this for a date night?
+Wonderful, Homie.
+Take that, Sweden! Tell me how my ice tastes!
+Ach. That stump is really eatin' into my tractor budget. I'll have to use me explosives.
+Explosives? Great!
+If we put charges on the load-bearing walls, we can blow up detention hall while leaving the art room unharmed.
+I'm blowin' up the stump, not the school.
+Right, right. You never saw that.
+Sweeet!
+Well done, boy!
+Wait, here comes the "mykeeyah."
+What's a "mykeeyah?"
+My Kia!
+I'm laughing to fit in, but I still don't get it.
+Miss Hoover, what's our lesson today? Is it school?
+Ooh, I don't know... let's see...
+Family trees.
+Who here knows what a family tree is?
+Ooh, family trees -- the charts representing genealogical relationships in a branching structure!
+Very good, Lisa. Class, your assignment over the weekend will be to make your own family tree, emphasizing any notable or distinguished ancestors.
+I can't wait to see what noble branches lie in the Simpson family foliage!
+No, this can't be right.
+They're all horrible!
+Yeah, the Simpson family is a long line of horse thieves, deadbeats, horse beats, dead thieves, and even a few...
+Alcoholics.
+There must have been some good ancestors -- Grampa, don't you know any?
+Not a one! Maybe the nicest was Abigail Simpson, who you know as the Pittsburgh Poisoner...
+Listen, Lisa. You're gonna find more than you bargained for. If I were you, I wouldn't dig into the past. I lived in some of that past, and I got out for a reason.
+I won't give up. I have to know that somewhere in the muck and the mire and the Pittsburgh Poisoners, this family had a noble spark. And I will find it, even if I have to go back to Adam and Eve.
+Oh, you mean Adam and Eve Simpson! Or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.
+Well, are you gonna help me or what?
+Thank you.
+So, what are you lookin' for?
+Family records for a school project on genealogical--
+Hey, that's great.
+...Dad's idea pad...
+Bicentennial issue of Reader's Digest...
+Old ad for Buzz Cola...
+So dusty.
+The Diary Of Eliza Simpson?
+This entry's dated April 14th, 1860.
+I warn you: I don't know what's in there but if it's about a Simpson, you ain't gonna be proud.
+Our ancestors were kicked out of Australia!
+Oh stop -- it's the journal of a sweet little girl! Keep reading, honey.
+"Dearest Diary, today I am the happiest girl in Springfield--"
+See. All good.
+"...because tomorrow, I shall get my very first slave."
+I can't believe we're descended from slave owners!
+Me neither. For once, the Simpsons were in management!
+Read a little more, honey.
+"Saturday, April 14, 1860. Dear Diary, I must be brief, for tonight is the grand ball..."
+"...at Colonel Burns's plantation. I shall dress myself in finery, like a well-to-do southern belle...
+What's for dinner?
+Possum.
+Can't we have o-possum?
+Not on your salary.
+I can't believe I buttoned my britches for this.
+That's all there is -- the rest of the diary has turned to dust!
+In my elegant gown, no one will suspect that I'm actually on a mission to help my very first slave escape to freedom."
+She wasn't a slave owner! Our family was on the Underground Railroad!
+We ran a subway station?
+No, the "Underground Railroad" was a bunch of people who helped slaves escape to Canada. There were no actual trains, and it wasn't under ground.
+Then they should've called it the "Above-Ground Normal-Road."
+Good point, Bart.
+Absolutely right.
+I never thought of that before.
+Very good, Bart.
+That's a great story, Lisa! And you should stop reading right there.
+What are you doing? I wanna know what happens next.
+Well I don't. The motto of the Simpsons is, "quit while you're ahead."
+I made it into a sampler!
+It's like when your father and I left the movie "Carrie" right after she was crowned prom queen! She was so happy -- she'd had a lot of problems, but they were all behind her!
+But-but-but-but-but...
+Time for bed, sweetie.
+Lisa... Lisa... It's me... Eliza -- the one good Simpson! I've got so much more to tell you!
+I must know!
+You still reading that thing? I'm warning you: when something goes into that vent, it shouldn't come out. Ever!
+Well I am reading it, and when I'm finished, I'm going to use Eliza's diary for my "Black History Month" presentation!
+Ooh, good idea. Bart, what are you doing for Black History Month?
+I got an idea: you can march to Selma -- and tell her she's ugly!
+Listen: "April 20th, 1860. A week ago, I had no idea what the future would bring, which, I guess, is always true of everyone all the time. Anyway, last Saturday night, I went to Colonel Burns's ball..."
+I don't like this new Viennese dance craze -- "the waltz." One, two, three / one, two, three... Where's the "four?" All music needs a four!
+I'll have the orchestra adjust its time signature, Sir.
+See that you do.
+In the confusion, I slipped out of the ball...
+...and made my way to the stables, where I was to meet Mr. Burns's slave Virgil.
+"But when I got to the stables, he was nowhere to be seen..."
+Virgil?
+Virgil, let's go!
+You look like you could use a little help.
+Actually, I'm here to help you. Follow me North to freedom!
+I don't think so.
+Why? Because I'm young and I'm a woman?
+No. Because you're pointing South.
+Oh right, right, sorry. It's my first time.
+That's all right, it's my fourteenth.
+As we made our way northward, a couple of patrollers spotted us...
+Well, well, well. Where do you think you're going?
+After them!
+Obviously.
+Well, you didn't say it.
+Hearts pounding, we fled into the woods, but their horses were fast.
+Escape seemed impossible...
+What happened next?
+I'll never know if Eliza got Virgil safely to freedom!
+Cheer up, sweetie. Maybe we can find the answer in the library!
+To the reference desk!
+The library? Bart, can you believe we're married to those nerds?
+There are no books about an Eliza Simpson. But I did find this.
+Oooh, a cookbook!
+That's Eliza's mother!
+Martha, you are the best.
+"Pork Butt in Cream," "Snout-fried Neck," "Frog Haunch," "Hooves Au Jus," "Possum Pouch Pie..."
+Please don't make those recipes.
+This one doesn't sound roadkill-y. And, it comes with a story. "Many years ago, my daughter, Eliza, brought a runaway slave, Virgil, to the house..."
+They made it back to the house?! How?!
+"The patrollers were too fast for Eliza and Virgil...,the patrollers were too fast for eliza and virgil,9
+127764,454,147,Marge Simpson: Luckily they chanced upon a traveling circus...,632000,true,1,248,Marge Simpson,Library,Luckily they chanced upon a traveling circus...,luckily they chanced upon a traveling circus,7
+127765,454,148,(Traveling Circus: ext. traveling circus - field - night (1860)),639000,false,,3699,,Traveling Circus,,,
+127766,454,149,Marge Simpson: ...where they were helped by a crusty old clown.,639000,true,1,3699,Marge Simpson,Traveling Circus,...where they were helped by a crusty old clown.,where they were helped by a crusty old clown,9
+127767,454,150,"Circus Clown: A little schmutz
+Well, I am a bit musical.
+THE SUN SHINES BRIGHT ON MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME--
+Rule number one: never be better than me. And I'm pretty bad.
+Nothing to see here -- just a couple of clowns, and the world's youngest bearded lady.
+That I is!
+Look at her any longer, you're gonna have to pay a nickel.
+Why do I always ask for a nickel? That's like twenty bucks in two thousand-ten money.
+Wait. All that was in the recipe?
+It was a footnote. See?
+"Anyway, I was very proud of Eliza, but my husband Hiram had not quite caught abolition fever..."
+Uh-uh, no way! He'll get me in trouble!
+Maybe you'll change your mind about me after you try some of my...
+Wheel cakes.
+Wheel cakes?
+They're just honey-sweetened batter...
+Go on...
+...deep-fried in hog lard...
+Lard, you say...
+...then dusted with powdered sugar.
+You can stay.
+You swear you'll help him?
+I give you my word as a Southern gentleman.
+So they did the right thing -- my quest is fulfilled! Our family has heroes!
+Our family has heroes!
+Martin Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party and I went there!
+Yay! My turn is over!
+One of your best, Ralph. Next up, we have Simpson, L.!
+My Black History Month presentation is called "The Simpsons: The First Family of Freedom."
+No, no, no, not now! Quit! Quit! No, don't quit the program, just the update, ya stupid--
+Computers, right? Our story begins with a spunky little spitfire named Eliza Simpson.
+The year was 1860, and the Underground Railroad was...
+...And though Hiram, Mabel, and Eliza are no longer among us, their truth goes marching on. Thank you.
+Bravo, Lisa. Very entertaining -- but then again, fairy tales always are.
+What are you talking about?
+No! You lie! Eliza Simpson can't be a coward! She's the only decent ancestor I have.
+I hold in my hand another diary. That of my great-great-great great-great grandfafa, Milford Van Houten.
+"April 22nd, 1860..."
+I was reclining beneath a sarsaparilla tree, reading about one of Mr. Thomas Jefferson's marvelous inventions...when suddenly I heard quite a commotion coming from the Simpson residence.
+You're a liar!
+Leave me alone! I have shares to crop!
+That's one of Virgil's sugar-sprinkled cake rings! Now where is he?
+I don't have to answer some weak old man with a walking stick.
+A beating stick!
+Brigand! Dastard! Renegade! Mooncalf!
+I can't tell you where he is -- I swore an oath!
+I see... You know, Simpson, every man has his price. And no one is better at determining said price than yours truly.
+I would say your price is... a pleasant surprise.
+That's exactly my price! Your man Virgil... is... in...
+Father, no!
+Eliza! Hold your tongue!
+Don't worry, I'll handle this one. Young lady, in this day and age, women only express their opinions in diaries to be found long after they're gone. From the day you were born, you were brought up to crave the approval of a man. And I know you really want to be a good girl, and good girls are seen and not heard.
+Yes, sir.
+Thatta girl.
+Now where's my man?
+In the turnip shed. Now what's my surprise?
+Your surprise is... a new pair of shoes!
+Oh my God, that surprise is so pleasant!
+After that fateful day...
+"...I could never even look at Eliza again." It didn't help that the next day he drank bad well water and went blind.
+Ach! Take it outside, lassie! We've still got three "Jackie Robinsons" and a "Tuskegee Airmen" to go...
+...And so many Obamas!
+Yes we can! / Audacity of hope! / Yes we can! / Let me be clear.
+As I told you, we just don't have any books pertaining to Eliza Simpson.
+But I need to prove that my ancestor couldn't have backed down to Colonel Burns!
+Colonel Burns? Why, I haven't heard my father's name in years.
+You know, you could try our film vault.
+We have a film vault?
+It's where we hooked up during the Christmas party.
+Ohhh...
+So, Miss Eliza, I understand you just turned one hundred.
+It's been quite a life.
+Any regrets?
+Just one. When I was a girl, I witnessed a grave injustice... but I held my tongue. That pat on my head from a wicked man has haunted me to this day.
+There's no noble Simpson.
+You were right, Dad. I should have quit while I was ahead, instead of learning the horrible truth about our family and Virgil.
+Aw, don't cry, meat pie. Things worked out pretty well for Virgil in the end.
+What are you talking about? Is there something you know about Virgil that you haven't told us?
+I'll take that secret to my grave! Or urn, or medical school dissecting table, or wherever you're dumpin' me!
+Listen, Wrinkles! If you know something that'll cheer up my little girl, you'd better spill it. Or I can make things very uncomfortable for you.
+Okay, I'll talk! D-Day is June 6th! Repeat: June 6th! Allied forces will land on the beaches of Normandy in the following order: Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno... are you writing this down, Fritz?
+About Virgil.
+Oh, right. Well Lisa, Mabel knew her husband well, so she had cooked up a little "payback pie..."
+Get off my property, Colonel Burns! And if I ever see you in these parts again, you're gonna be a Memphis belle.
+Very well. You may have won this round. But some day my history will be told, by my descendants Ken and Rick Burns.
+I knew you'd break your promise! Now I'm taking Virgil to freedom!
+You defied your husband for me? Man, this is the sixties.
+Now let's take you to a place where a black man can blend in: Canada.
+So with those words, Mabel and Virgil headed north.
+But their journey was fraught with peril...
+Mabel, why don't I go on alone, and you go back to Hiram?
+No! There's no life for me with him! I just need to disguise my hair... but how?
+May I be of assistance?
+Abraham Lincoln?!
+Perhaps this hat will help disguise your hair.
+Thank you. How's it look?
+It makes you look like a potbellied stove.
+Hey, hey, "Honest Abe." Oh, I'm a riot.
+As the border drew closer, so did Virgil and Mabel.
+After you.
+By the time they crossed into Canada, things had changed...
+...Mabel divorced Hiram...
+...and got one of his shoes in the settlement...Mabel and Virgil lived out the rest of their days in peace.
+They got married, and since Virgil had no last name, they both took the name Simpson, so that Mabel could keep all her monogrammed table linens.
+And their son, Abraham Simpson, was my great-grandfather.
+So you're actually descended from Virgil, not Hiram. Are ya happy?
+Yes! I'm thrilled! We've regained our family honor and we're one-sixty-fourth black!
+So that's why I'm so cool!
+That's why my jazz is so smooth!
+And that's why I earn less than my white co-workers!
+Grampa, why'd you try to keep us from finding this out?
+Well, it's hard to explain this to a young person, but people of my generation are... you know...
+Racists?
+That's it.
+I don't know what the big deal is. I mean, it never bothered any of you that my father's French. You know, Bouvier?
+So that's why I love drinking so much.
+I'm French, not you.
+C'est la vie, baby.
+How will the Springfielder of the future get around town? Will he be like Bus-stop Bill, caught out in the rain?
+Or will he be like Subway Sam, packed like a tuna, on the Springfield Metro Line?
+Here he can rub shoulders with fellow businessmen and share their deadly germs!
+These two men might as well be kissing! Is there no way to get to work in comfort, safety, and style?
+Well, it looks like Motorcar Mel's got the answer! He's cruising at a hundred and thirty miles an hour in a plutonium-powered auto on the spacious skyway of tomorrow.
+And it's got plenty of room for all of Mrs. Mel's shopping.
+All that's left is to pick Junior up from school.
+Looks like that robot arm needs a little adjustment.
+Well, that concludes... I don't really know what that was. Now please take out your homework.
+Homework? What homework?
+Sixth-graders! Nooooooo!
+We had to build a Hopi Indian pueblo.
+Mine features indigenous Hopi songs.
+NA HI HIE HO HEY...!
+What's this? A promoter has arrived to entice the tribe to perform in a wild west show!
+Unfortunately, the chief doesn't read the contract very carefully.
+The good news is, over a hundred years later, a brilliant little boy receives an "A" for his amazing presentation.
+Bravo, Martin! Bravo!
+Well let's see what the rest of you dullards have to offer.
+Dammit! Okay, don't panic. I can build one of those things from the crap in my desk.
+Bart Simpson, you've had three months to do this project, you started thirty seconds ago.
+Thank you. Thank you.
+I'm not complimenting you! You've destroyed every ideal I've had about teaching since I saw "To Sir, With Love" as a little girl.
+Haw haw, you're old!
+I saw it on video in the '80s!
+Outdated medium -- I stand by my "haw haw."
+Bart, I'm sending your parents a letter.
+"Irresponsible..." "unprepared..." "bad seed..."
+Good guy...
+...bad guy. Signed... ...stamped...and sealed.
+So, can I deliver that to the office for you?
+Ha! I wasn't born yesterday.
+Ha! Tell me about it!
+Martin?
+Outgoing mail slot. Now.
+Fire alarm! Ooo, that means firemen!
+Training bra. / I have an unwanted boner.
+Hoistin' a bag. Ay, there's no better feelin' on earth.
+Now what are you up to?
+Whatever happened to "hi?"
+Hi. Now what are you up to?
+A letter's comin' from school and I need to be home to keep Mom and Dad from getting it.
+Mommm! I have a fever!
+Ooo, a hundred and three! No school today.
+Then again, there's only one way to get a truly accurate reading.
+Bart, pants.
+Just close your eyes and think of Milhouse.
+Yup. One-oh-three on the dot. You're stayin' home.
+How did you--
+I don't want to talk about it.
+I've gotta get that letter before Mom and Dad do. Stay focused...
+Focused...
+Focused...
+Focused...
+Credit card offer, overdue bill... credit card offer, overdue bill... huh, what's this?
+What the... you're a month behind on homework?!
+I tried really hard to stop you from finding out. Does that help?
+A little!
+These are Bart's uncompleted homework assignments for the last month: worksheets, problem sets, book reports, math jumbles, dioramas, topic sentences, conclusions, bibliographies, synonyms, mean-the-sames, define-a-likes, word twins and one Thanksgiving hand-turkey.
+One month? That's a heavy workload for a fourth grader.
+I say this boy needs more homework.
+I don't have to do it with him, do I?
+Pile it on! I want him to be Korean by the time he's done.
+Hm. Clean dishes. I either have to unload them, or, uh...
+Thanks for doing the dishes.
+No problem. You can unload.
+Y'know -- I think Bart might have too much homework. If they keep overwhelming him, he might be turned off school forever.
+Oh my! A child who doesn't enjoy school? Hello? Hollywood?! You want to buy the movie rights to this incredible story? A million dollars? Deal! Now I have to write it.
+Digibot! Go-go-goman has the crystal life ball!
+Wow, how does this show stay so fresh?
+Hey! You're supposed to be doing your homework! No more TV for you!
+Until your homework is done, the only place your butt is safe from my foot is in that chair.
+It's okay, Bart. Just do a couple vocabulary words, then come have some milk and cookies.
+But Dad said I had to finish--
+Never mind what he said. You just listen to me.
+Hey Lis. Mom and Dad just told me two different things. How is that possible?
+Well, sometimes people who agree on most things have one issue that they disagree strongly about. In politics it's called a "wedge issue" -- like illegal immigration or gay marriage.
+Wait a minute. Can I play them against each other so I don't have to do any homework at all?
+You would mess up Mom and Dad's marriage just to get out of doing some homework?
+Hey, hey, I would end all life on this planet just to get out of doing fractions.
+Fractions aren't that hard, you just have to find a common denominator. For example: one half plus one third equals...
+End. All. Life. On. This. Planet.
+You'll need to know fractions to make that explosion!
+So much homework... childhood slipping away...
+Bart! Put down those books and go play this instant!
+If you say so.
+Right on time. Grape soda -- shaken, not stirred.
+Let's roll.
+Dear Lord, please give my stubborn husband the wisdom to see that I am right as usual.
+Too late, Marge. I already used a "prayer block" on your prayer.
+There's no such thing as prayer blocks!
+Yeah, right.
+Hey, why aren't you doing your homework!
+I said he could take a break.
+The violence really relaxes me.
+You don't get to relax till you get to the bottom of this homework stack.
+Don't contradict me in front of our son!
+Well don't be wrong in front of our son!
+Oh yeah? Well .
+Let's have lunch at "Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll."
+No line... near the men's room... I see no reason to question your choice.
+Smooth move, Mom -- tricking Dad into having lunch at the one place that doesn't serve beer.
+What the?! Then I wanna eat at Moe's Express!
+By "express" I mean you express your anger and hatred.
+The last time you ate there you spent three nights in the mall jail!
+That was last week, and you're still bringing it up!
+Well, you always miss when you throw your underpants at the hamper!
+Well how could I ever hit the hamper if you don't let me practice!
+You practiced all day on my birthday!
+Fine. I was gonna apologize, but now I'm not going to!
+You were never going to apologize!
+I was too! The words were in my brain!
+You're wrong! And whenever you're wrong you just sprout gibberish.
+Congratulations. You're officially a sociopath.
+Hey, at least I'm on a path.
+I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower!
+No freedom! I have no freedom around this house! After sex, I'm not talking to you!
+Well then there won't be any sex!
+You can't sex fire me, I sex quit!
+I just think when two people disagree, the big jerk ought to apologize.
+You know Marge, Maude and I had a fight right before she died...
+Neddy, when you're drying your hands with our monogrammed towels, can you use the "NF" towel, not the "MF"?
+You know, maybe I should use a towel marked "B.D.D." -- big diddily deal!
+I play that fight over in my mind a thousand times a day.
+Must win fight... must win fight...
+Let me say to you all: I'm pretty sure this is not a dream!
+Oh my God, I killed her!
+I've got to apologize. Once again, sleeping at work has saved my marriage!
+Compromise has no place in a marriage. Stick to your guns!
+Freeze him out. It's cold in Marge's doghouse, baby.
+And if he leaves, you'll be free and happy like us.
+Yes. Happy.
+So happy.
+I'm going to find my husband. But don't depress the kids.
+That pacifier's the last true friend you'll have.
+Must apologize. Must apologize.
+I'm sorry we ever fought.
+We can't let Bart drive us apart. He's the reason we had to get married.
+Till the two of us are back on track, Bart can fend for himself.
+Bart? Bart who? I'm being cute.
+It's working!
+Put down some flares, boys. We're gonna be here a while.
+Awesome breakfast, Marge! Breakfast in bed is so much better than breakfast in a chair.
+I'm gonna go paste your heads back into the family photos. I've got them right here.
+Dad, I know you're gonna say no, but Mom would say...
+Whatever. Knock yourself out.
+What do you mean?
+You may not realize this, Bart, but your mother and I have been fighting about you a lot lately. And I've realized our marriage is more important than your future. From now on, you're on your own.
+Really? Okay.
+Uh, Marge? I don't want to ruin the moment, but you got something stuck between your-- ohhh...
+Ah, a peaceful Saturday afternoon, with no Bart Simpson -- and no Milhouse, for that matter. Nothing on my agenda but to sit here and watch hummingbirds.
+Sugar water? Now why would someone...
+Their tiny tongues are like knives!
+Big mistake, attacking me outside school hours and property! Legally, I can spank your bare bottoms!
+Follow me!
+You can't hide forever and I'm a very patient man! I once waited an hour and a half for a haircut.
+Whoa, what is this place?
+Remember that time I was carried off by groundhogs? This is where I wound up.
+Behold, an ancient subway station!
+I never knew Springfield had a subway.
+It's like a Thomas The Tank Engine we can go inside!
+With no Sir Topham Hatt to tell us what we can and can't do!
+Which flavor do I save -- the Radical Red or the Blueberry Blast? Curse this Squishee's choice!
+I love watching you knit. It reminds me of watching pictures download on our old dial-up modem. Remember that day we brought it home and it was all eee, ooo, eee, ooo, onnnggg!
+Oh my God, Homie -- we're having a real conversation!
+You won't believe how I got home.
+Don't know, don't care.
+You don't even want to know if I have anything to do with this mysterious seismic activity of late?
+I'm saving my yelling for where it does some good. Lisa! You're a wonderful child! Keep up the good work!
+Thanks, Dad. But you're so loud it's hurting my ears.
+It's weird -- I just made an entire town lose its lunch...
+...And...
+...and I'm not feeling the rush.
+Tell me more.
+Something's missing. Am I broken?
+Jump with me.
+Bart, at the end of the day, if your parents aren't p.o.'d, you haven't really pranked. You've gotta take it up a notch.
+Really?
+If no one's getting ma', are you really being bad? Think about it.
+I know.
+The tremors are tearing her apart. One more shake, and the whole school could come down.
+Seymour, do something!
+Destroy the school, eh?
+That's what I'm talkin' about.
+Man, those textbooks really burn.
+"Mom and Dad, Bart is going to use the old subway to destroy Springfield Elementary!"
+And there's a map of the subway system attached. Homer, we've got to stop him!
+But Marge, I thought we were chilling out for the sake of our marriage.
+We're going to have to be good parents to our son and work twice as hard on our marriage.
+Fine. I'll do both at once. We should both take a role in vacation planning!
+Bart needs boundaries!
+She's comin' down!
+Oh Lord, let me finish this hallway. Then you can send me to hell a happy man!
+Oh, there's a nickel.
+Destroy! Destroy! Boy, look at that iron work.
+Well I'll be! There's a sofa in here!
+Must... squeeze... harder!
+Why you little...
+Woo hoo!
+The school is saved! Unfurl the flag!
+Mister, you are grounded!
+And no TV!
+And I'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons!
+And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you're up to, even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out.
+Aww, you guys are the meanest parents ever. Thank you.
+Life stinks, huh?
+Totally.
+Mom said she was tipped off by a note from me. But you know something? I didn't write this note.
+That's ridiculous. If you didn't write it, who in the world could have?
+You wanted to get caught.
+Really? How can you be so sure?
+Elementary, my dear Simpson.
+Leave it to you to misspell a word you see first thing every morning. But don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. As far as Mom and Dad know, you're just a soulless little psycho.
+Thanks, Lis.
+Anytime.
+So our family of the future is once again together and happy. Mom brings Dad the evening paper, one of six editions printed daily.
+Want to know what happened in China yesterday? Read the paper! And if Mom and Dad want a little privacy...Junior can be flash-frozen until further notice. Because this is the most wonderful world of all...the world of tomorrow!
+Thanks to our new G.P.S., I'll have you at school in no time.
+Turn right in... fifty meters.
+Meters?
+Dad, a meter is three inches longer than a yard, which is thirty-six inches, so fifty divided by thirty-nine times thirty-six, equals--
+You have missed your turn. Recalculating. Turn right in point five meters.
+Dad, no! That takes us into a construction site!
+Stupid kid. Thinks he's smarter than a computer.
+Seatbelts, kids!
+Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right...
+Decrease elevation ten feet, then turn left.
+You have reached your destination.
+Thanks for the ride! / Bye, Dad!
+Turn right in two-point three kilometers...
+Why you...
+Recalculating...
+So cold... so cold.
+Where's Mrs. K.?
+Mrs. Krabappel had to go to Portland. Apparently, the people she hired to de-program her sister from that cult turned out to be an even worse cult.
+So, who's gonna take her place? Me, I hope?
+Not you. Never you. And due to budget cuts, until Edna comes back, I have no choice but to merge the school's two fourth-grade classes.
+The other fourth grade?! But they're so different from us. They have music on Tuesdays!
+Their teacher takes her shoes off!
+Their twins are one boy, one girl!
+All right, new kids, jam your chairs into my kids' desks.
+S'anyone here? / Whatever. / S'anyone here? / Whatever. / S'anyone here? / Whatever / S'anyone here? / Whatever.
+'Sup, I'm Bodhi. Do you surf?
+They look like this!
+No. My parents took me to Hawaii once, but I was intimidated by the physiques of the local kids, so I just stayed in the hotel room.
+That's cool.
+No, it's not cool.
+You are so dead!
+Sorry, let me get that for you.
+You're blind!
+If anyone messes with this kid, I will destroy them!
+It's okay, no one's messing with me.
+You're not a freak, and I won't let you think that about yourself!
+I don't think I'm a freak.
+So brave.
+Um, this is the last seat, so...
+My side. Your side.
+Hi, Nikki. I'm Bart. This situation, it's nuts, right?
+Oh look at you, opening a book so you won't have to talk to me. Well I'm just gonna be tuning up the old armpit.
+Good news, children. Everyone did well on this test, except...
+Lisa Simpson, F.
+An F?! Okay, this is the time when I always wake up.
+Come on, alarm clock -- get me out of this!
+Sorry, Lisa -- this F is all too real.
+No it's not, dream-Hoover! And as long as I'm asleep, I'm gonna have some fun. I can fly! Wheeee!
+This isn't a dream. I really did fail.
+I take no joy in this. Little Miss Perfect.
+Whoa. Damn, this caterpillar can eat! Damn! DAMN!!!
+Do you mind?!
+Oh man, you girls ruin everything -- even vampires.
+Hey, vampires are cool outsiders who love girls who hate cheerleaders.
+No, they're all about chomping neck. And they don't put product in their hair like this loser.
+Awesome picture.
+Can I draw a robot barfing screws on your arm with my Sharpie?
+I... I'd like that.
+Annnnd, finished.
+An F. An F! I hope Harvard never finds out about this.
+Can I teeter while you totter? Ever since you got that bad grade, you seem a lot cooler.
+Lisa, you want to come skip rope? You can replace the tree.
+Eat lunch with me! / Share my locker! / Come to my birthday party! / Love meee!
+Lisa, can I speak to you for a moment?
+Uh-oh, looks like I'm in more trouble. Born to be bad.
+There was a mix-up with your test. You got an A-triple-plus.
+Seems the "F" belonged to Ralph.
+I cheated wrong! I copied the "Lisa" name and used the "Ralph" answers!
+Gif-ted! Gif-ted! Gif-ted!
+I'm just advanced! You can catch up!
+Gif-ted!
+Dad, I know we don't normally talk about this stuff, but there's this girl at school I kind of like.
+Anyway, I'm really hoping you could... Dad?
+Hey boy.
+Your mother thinks I'm working on the car!
+Dad, that is genius, but I need some advice--
+I thought you were fixing my brakes!
+But I need to talk about man stuff!
+Talk to Grampa. He used to be a man.
+He did?
+Give up the goods, you yellow devil!
+So I kinda like this girl at school but I'm not sure if she likes me back.
+There's one sure way to find out if a girl likes you -- steal a kiss!
+Really? Did that ever work for you?
+Sure did! I remember it like it was yesterday...
+Whoa, she boards, too?
+So, what should we do now?
+Kiss her, ya idjit!
+Bart Simpson kissed me! Oh my God, and that was my first kiss! It will always be my first kiss! Ewww!
+Haw-haw.
+That was great! Really great!
+Marge, Homer, this is Brody and Madison McKenna. Bart has been sharing a desk with their daughter Nikki.
+Earlier today, your son engaged in inappropriate mouth-on-mouth contact with our daughter.
+You mean... he kissed her?
+On the top of the slide.
+That's all that happened? And I got to miss work?
+I could kiss you.
+Mr. Simpson, I'm an attorney, and my husband is a federal prosecutor, and neither of us is happy.
+Well maybe you guys should look for easier jobs.
+Unless you make this an affection-free environment, we will sue this school for its last dime.
+All right, here it is.
+And we will make you regret the day your son was born.
+You're halfway home, lady.
+It's not my fault -- Grampa told me to kiss her!
+Why didn't you just tell him to club her on the head and drag her into a cave?
+You mean second base? Whoa, he's a little young for that.
+If I talk to Nikki, I'm sure I can--
+No! If you go near her one more time, we'll be sued into the poor house and have to eat garbage forever.
+That's no problem -- Mom can make garbage taste great.
+Thank you.
+Well, I mean it.
+And it means the world to me.
+Well, don't worry, boy. I know a wholesome way to take your mind off girls.
+This is awesome! If only real life was in 3-D.
+And the glasses smell like the last guy who wore them had pizza!
+Look at that.
+Oh, look at their guts.
+"Dear fellow organic gardening enthusiasts: I'm afraid I am too sad to post my list of garden-friendly snails. Yet again I have seen the bitter truth of how difficult it is to be smart and accepted." "With mulch love, Lisa Simpson." Mulch love, that's cute.
+Somebody posted a comment?
+"Don't stop achieving just yet, Lisa. You are not alone -- Flotus-one." "Flotus-one?" Who could that be?
+Attention all students. Please report to an attorney-mandated school assembly. To make time for this, the third grade's performance of "My Fair Lady" is cancelled.
+I say, that's rum news. Very rum indeed.
+By now you've probably heard that one of our fourth graders did something that a hundred years ago would've been considered innocent, but in today's overly-litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.
+Now, what he said was...
+I can hear.
+The following skit, or "sketch," demonstrates the behavior we wish you would save for middle school. Annnd action!
+Oh, I'm just a wee little lass, combin' me beautiful hair. COMB, COMB, COMB-ERY DOO...
+I'm Bart Simpson. Disruptive fourth-grader.
+I finally caught one of Bart's school plays.
+That's not Bart, it's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.
+Yeah, now that I look closer, that guy couldn't fool anybody.
+Shut up, fatso.
+Why you little...
+Now, players, recreate the incident in question.
+Hey Willie, does he taste like failure?
+Stop that laughter!
+I can make these two kiss all day if I have to!
+If you want them to keep on kissing, just keep laughing...
+Maybe I did do something wrong.
+Oh Bart, I hate to see you like this.
+Look who's all confused.
+What the hell are you doing?
+Kissing you, stupid.
+You are the biggest psycho I ever met.
+You wanna stop?
+Absolutely not.
+A VH-60N Whitehawk!
+First Lady Michelle Obama?!
+I flew in from Turkmenistan because there's a wonderful young person here who's feeling a little discouraged.
+I sure am!
+This young lady...
+That is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to this school.
+...thinks just because she's a high achiever, no one will ever like her. Well, as I tell school children all over the world, I was a high achiever. I got "A"s back when "A"s were hard to get. I was just like Lisa Simpson.
+That's right, Lisa. As an avid organic gardener, I've read your blog.
+"Flotus1" is "First Lady Of The United States... one!"
+Yes. I wanted just "Flotus," but someone had it.
+That's me, 'cause I swim with my flotuses on!
+Everything I have I got through academics. I went to Chicago's first magnet high school, then Princeton, then Harvard Law.
+And now you're the most elegant and popular woman in the world!
+Well, I don't know about that... there's Carla Bruni... Queen Noor of Jordan...
+They're nothing compared to you!
+It's not a contest. But if it were, I think we know how it would go. But before I was who I am today, I was a nerd.
+So the lesson is, children...
+I'll tell them what the lesson is.
+He's our Joe Biden.
+Understood. So kids, be nice to Lisa, because the over-achievers will some day be running the country and you don't want them to be too screwed up. Now, who else is an overachiever? Come on now!
+I am too.
+And so am I. Fifth in my class at Annapolis. Scaled the summit of the highest peaks on six of seven continents...
+Hey, that's great. Don't forget to bring the scooper when you walk the dog.
+Ma'am, yes Ma'am!
+Now let's roll.
+Sorry, Ma'am. We can't seem to reopen the hatch to the copter.
+You were saying?
+Oh, well, I loosened it up.
+What about Sodom and Gomorrah?
+Yeah, till they find out about us.
+What do you mean "us?"
+Well, like, uh, aren't you my girlfriend now?
+Oh, you mean, like you own me?
+I'm sorry.
+You're always apologizing.
+Just tell me what you want!
+You should know what I want!
+I want you to act the same way two days in a row! Augggh! I am not gonna let you hurt me anymore.
+He's dead! I love him! Oh, he's breathing. Loser.
+He's stopped breathin'! Who knows gob-to-gob?! You know, mutton hole to mutton hole.
+No one goes near that boy till the ambulance comes! Any physical contact violates our school's no-touch policy.
+Let's quickly prod him to the curb with this pool skimmer.
+Good thinking.
+Move! I know C.P.R.!
+Nikki, no! I prefer a dead child to a lawsuit from your parents!
+Ya call that a kiss? C'mere.
+Nelson, now that the ban's been lifted, let me touch your face. That way I can see you, with my fingers.
+Ew, I said your face, not your butt!
+You feel comfortable enough to mock me!
+That's for mocking me!
+Nelson... your punch restored my vision! I can see again!
+Really? Kevin, that's wonder--
+Haw-haw!
+The student has become the master.
+Nikki! Thanks for saving my life.
+Look, can we just pretend that never happened? I don't want everyone at school to go around thinking I like you.
+You know, Ned, God has never given up on anyone.
+I don't get you! You're hot, you're cold... What is your deal?!
+Oh Bart, you've got a few things to learn about women. And I will never tell you what they are.
+I give up! Smell ya later.
+I love youuuuuu!
+Thank you all for coming.
+Now let's start with the words everyone loves to hear: "Welcome to Bible study!"
+Today, my readin' ribbon's smack dab in the middle of Matthew twenty-three.
+Now let us "download" the holy "tweet" of the Lord.
+Stop making this relatable!
+Hey, as a youth, if I don't hear a computer word every couple sentences, I am outta here.
+Duly noted. But we will make sure not to dilute the sacred gospel.
+Mouse pad! Double click! Skyyype! Uh, Skyyype! Matthew twenty-three: "Then spake Jesus to the multitude, and to his disciples, saying--"
+Hey, my bathing suit came off!
+Hey, it floats!
+I'll handle this.
+Schnell! Schnell!
+Homer Simpson! You are the most infuriating, Netflix-D.V.D.-burgling, barbecue-not-putting-out...
+...man I ever met!
+Hold that thought.
+That man is beyond redemption!
+That might seem to be true...
+I sense a "but" coming, Reverend...
+Here comes the butt!
+But I think you're up to the challenge, Ned.
+Oh Reverend, I've been workin' my bible to the bone tryin' to save that man.
+He lovingly destroyed them. Instead of pushing Homer away, can't you find a way to reach out and bring him in?
+Homer? Homer?
+Y'know, our bible study group is going to the Holy Land next month. I'd like you and your family to come as my guests.
+Hmm, let me think... take my family to a war zone... on a bus filled with religious lame-os... in a country with no pork... in a desert with no casinos... ooh, where do I sign up?
+Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house -- and the dishwasher's on! What's going on here?
+Mr. Flanders invited us to Israel. I think he wants to get Dad into Heaven.
+Great -- more hell for me!
+Ned Flanders, you would take our family to the Holy Land just to try to make my husband a better man?
+Yep. I also want to try something called "pita bread."
+Well, we will take you up on your offer.
+But we insist on paying our own way.
+And Homer, put on some pants.
+The man hates pants.
+L'chaim!
+Homie, just tell them what they wanna hear!
+I can't! Latkes aren't as good as American pancakes.
+They're okay with applesauce.
+True enough.
+A truckload of applesauce!
+Krusty, I've been meaning to ask, what are you doing on this tour?
+I believe that every Jew should make a pilgrimage to Israel before he dies.
+Yes, it is fitting.
+Krav ma-wha?
+Don't wanna end up in Hell.
+Jews don't believe in Hell.
+No Hell? Thank you, kid, you made my day!
+You're being paid to clean the gutters!
+This country's so historic -- for all we know, Jesus could have given a talk in Conference Room C.
+Welcome, welcome!
+My name is Jacob. You may notice I speak the English with a slight accent. This is because as you have probably guessed, I used to live in London, and that is why I sound like Hugh Grant.
+Come on, let's go. We've got a lot of holy sites to see, yallah! We finish early, we go to jewelry store owned by my cousins.
+No joke, is true, great prices, you got to haggle otherwise they don't respect you! Come on, let's go!
+Do you have any safety tips?
+What are you talking about? Israel is the safest country in the world. The only danger here is dehydration. Drink water. Don't die, looks bad on me. Come on, shut your face. Let's go.
+But it says here in the brochure...
+Brochure? Brochure? Brochure? Who wrote your brochure? The same schmuck who wrote The New Testament? I can't talk to you. You talk to my niece, Doreet.
+Doreet, talk to the stupids.
+Shalom, goyem!
+Shalom to you! Shalom is the "aloha" of this place.
+Okay, okay, lady. You done talking now. Who is licensed tour guide here, you or me? Now, everybody, we have no time to see Masada. Everybody died there for nothing. Okay, first stop: Old City. Come on, let's go, please shut your face!
+The Old City. Where B.C. turned into A.D.! Let's go!
+Flanders, that stuff's been here for thousands of years. But the breakfast buffet at this hotel, which is included in our package, closes in ten minutes!
+Homer, that's not why we're here. We can see the stations of the cross!
+After we see the stations of the omelet bar.
+Okay, let's just put it to a vote.
+I can't believe we lost, Reverend.
+Mm-hmmm.
+These blueberry muffins are bigger than the ones we had at Pechanga!
+Finally, something you like better than Pechanga.
+Okay, everybody. Please shut your face. Here we go. This sacred spot on Mount Zion is King David's tomb. Also, where your Jesus, who was a native born Israeli, by the way, sandals, circumcised, perfect English accent, the whole deal... this is where he had his last supper before they took him away and hammered him up on that cross ha-ha-ha. Hey, you, you're not part of the group. No listening!
+What? Is Israel. Is free country!
+Okay, that's it. Because of him, no Armenian quarter. Forget it, it's gone. All thanks to Mister Listen-For-Free.
+Lord, please help Homer experience the redemptive power of this sacred land.
+He's going for the record! He's going for the record!
+Flanders, you're not supposed to help him.
+Yeah, thanks a lot, Flanders.
+Homer, do you think you could show just the slightest bit of reverence?
+Ned, I'm an American tourist. I'm just here to see some sights, try goofy new food and spread some shekels with my Carolina Panthers credit card.
+Pan-thers!
+Homer, could you at least turn the camera off?
+If you say it like Dracula I will.
+Homer...
+Please, please, please...
+That is going right on stupidflanders.org.
+Y'know, Homer, you might really benefit from opening your heart to the spirituality of this place. Please, neighbor?
+This really means a lot to you, huh?
+Yes, but it means more to you.
+Boy, are you lousy at reading minds.
+Okay, okay. For you, I'll try.
+Lord, I think I may have finally reached him...
+Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
+Homer, quit playing that back.
+I'm not, it's my ringtone.
+Y'ello. This is he. Yeah I wanted to know: do you deliver falafels to the top of Mount Zion? Great. I'd like a large falafel with pepperoni, sausage and extra cheese. Yes, I know what a falafel is.
+This is-- everybody, look at my face. This is the Western, or as you say, Wailing Wall. It is believed that the Lord will grant the prayers that are stuck into the cracks. Please, no graffiti, no making the pishen, yallah.
+"Dear Lord: please fix the following parking tickets: A647253, SP90325, Shelbyville 932871...
+Never gonna happen.
+Sad. Maybe, if you were Brad Pitt.
+Hey boy, we're supposed to be acting religiousy. What are you up to?
+Reading prayers and ignoring them, just like God.
+Hey, this one's from you.
+"Dear Lord, don't let Marge find out the hotel leaves chocolates on the pillows at night."
+Why you little...
+Give my Dad another heart attack?!
+Smite him! Like the firstborn of Egypt. Dead baby, dead baby, Passover, dead baby, dead baby...
+Hey, why am I running from a girl?
+Call me when you're old enough for your bat mitzvah. I'll bring you an envelope full of nothin'.
+Ka-ra-té!
+Krav maga!
+Israeli karate. Less . More .
+You don't fight like a girl! Or even a Milhouse!
+I don't know what is Milhouse. I work security for the tour. Dealing with American punks like you counts as my military service, and we know all about you.
+Ay carumba. Hey, is that the Ark of the Covenant?
+Ka-ra-té!
+Once again, Krav maga!
+Quit going for my groin!
+No groin, no Krav maga! Hello groin.
+Come on, come on. Everybody finish lemon ice. Not allowed inside.
+Before us stands the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, believed to be the home of the tomb of your Lord. Or as he's known here, the man in the underpants. Beautiful tachtoonim . Oh, and what abs. He was a real good-looking one. Nice hair. Conditioner? I think so.
+And Lord, thank you for letting me see this wonderful place where the end of the world will soon begin. And thank you, again, for the challenge of Homer Simpson... we've all got our crosses to bear. Me Homer, you the cross. And now, let me gaze with reverence upon the holy resting place of...
+Homer, this is the most sacred spot in Christendom, not your backyard hammock.
+I'm sorry. It's just that these tours are so exhausting. You're jetlagged, you're walking around all day... it's so hard to sleep knowing Marge and the kids are all stuck in one small room.... and it's so nice and cool in the tomb of the unknown savior...
+Unknown? This is the tomb of the most famous man who ever lived!
+Porky Pig?
+Porky Pig's not a man, he's a pig! And he's not even a real pig!
+But he is buried here, right?
+That's it. I'm losin' it. I'm losin' it!
+You come all the way to Jerusalem -- the happiest place on earth -- and all the photos in your camera are of funny soda pops?!
+Chickpea Fizz.
+Delete! Delete! Delete!
+Whatever. It's your camera.
+Please, you've gotta let me back in. I sold six thousand rolls of wrapping paper to get here!
+That's your problem! You, my friend, are banned from ever entering this church again.
+Banned for life?
+Homer, do you know why I'm a Christian?
+Your parents made you?
+It's because I believe every soul has the possibility of salvation. At least I thought so till now. Homer Simpson, you are not worth saving.
+What? But I thought we'd be neighbors in Heaven. Goofing on all the new dead people...
+Not. Worth. Saving.
+Ned! Ned, wait up!
+Ned's run off into the desert!
+Ah-ha -- a sand horse! Car of the desert!
+Nothing like a tall glass of luke-warm water to Jekyll down this Hyde.
+Ooo, looks like a sandstorm's brewin'. I'll just wait it out at a movie.
+Orthobot Prime - the battle begins!
+Not so fast -- we can't transform on the Sabbath!
+Let us power down and contemplate the torah.
+Flanders! Stupid Flanders!
+There's sand in my shoe!
+Good luck surviving without me!
+This looks like a job for... the messiah!
+THIR-STY / I AM SO THIR-STY / AND HUNGRY AND HORNY / BUT MOSTLY JUST THIR-STY / I AM SO THIR-STY...
+So salty... Maybe if I... add a little salt...
+You have been chosen, Homer.
+Chosen for what, oh mighty gherkin?
+Rise and listen, my child...yours is a great destiny.
+Pickle, carrot, tomato. Pickle, carrot, tomato. Pickle, carrot, tomato.
+Oh Homie, you're alive!
+I am more than alive, woman! I am the Chosen One who shall unite all the faiths of the Holy Land! I am... the messiah!
+But you still have our passports, right?
+Oh yeah. Gotta keep track of those.
+The messiah! Has the passports.
+Dad, are you okay?
+I'm more than okay! I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder!
+I already do that.
+Uh... Messiah... do you mind if I have a word with your wife?
+As you wish, but look not upon her with lust. And do not send her friendly emails. That's how it begins.
+Homer is suffering from what's called "Jerusalem Syndrome."
+Ah yes, "Jerusalem Syndrome." The name given to religious delusions or psychoses that occur when people visit Jerusalem.
+Have you ever noticed that Dad always gets the disease they write about in the in-flight magazine?
+Oh my God, Homer's gone!
+What's he gonna do now?
+Hmm... Dad said he was going to "unite all faiths." And only one site is sacred to Muslims, Christians and Jews -- The Dome of the Rock!
+The Dome of the Rock? Messiah, away!
+This one says "Carolina Panthers!"
+Messiah says !
+Okay, okay, everybody come on. This shrine contains the rock on which Abraham was going to sacrifice his son. And Muslims believe something too. To find out, hire a Muslim tour guide. That's a barrel of laughs. Anyway, shut your face.
+Thanks, but you can stop giving the tour now.
+You don't want to do a photo with me? You can hold my gun.
+I used it in Entebbe. I killed three Ugandans.
+No thanks.
+Before you go in, you fill out comment card.
+Eh, eh, don't forget the back.
+You people are so pushy.
+What? Israeli people are pushy? How about you experience a couple of genocides and see how laid-back you are? We were purged from Spain. Throw out of there. They allow everybody in Spain, but for us, Jews, no flamenco, get out.
+I'm pushy?! Please. You stay there surrounded by your great enemy, Canada. Try Syria for two months, then we'll see who's pushy.
+Attention Christians, Muslims, and Jews. I have come to gather you into a new faith. From now on you shall be called Chrismujews.
+Because when you get down to it, aren't all religions the same? They tell you what to eat, when to pray... how this imperfect clay that we call man can mold itself to resemble the divine. But we can never attain that ultimate grace while there is hatred in our hearts for each other.
+I did it! I reached him!
+Celebrate your commonality. Some of us don't eat pork. Some of us don't eat shellfish. But all of us love chicken!
+You can simmer it in a tagine.
+In a soup you can boil it!
+Spread the word! Peace and chicken!
+Peace and chicken!
+Don't listen to this fat idiot.
+I am your messiah! Avert your eyes from my wrinkly arms!
+Uh-oh. We've got another case of Jerusalem Syndrome.
+I want the window seat.
+Krav maga!
+You can't hurt what's already dead.
+I guess you can.
+Homer, my friend, of all the false messiahs today, I think you came closest to the truth.
+Well, if I made any sense today, it's because all the stuff you've told me all these years has finally seeped in.
+Can I buy you a twelve dollar turkey sandwich?
+I'd like that.
+How 'bout a Greg Norman Executive Putter from the Sky Mall?
+You'd probably get a better deal at a mall back home.
+They have malls on land?
+One at a time! Having your people being thrown out of Spain! Spain! No tapas! I love eating tapas! I love the tiny portions! You don't get too full, but you have a whole variety of flavors! Not for me! Every day who wants a pickle?! Occasionally once a week a little bit of falafel!
+Burns, you're coming with us.
+No! No! Let me go!
+Surprised? Me, C. Montgomery Burns, locked up like an animal.
+What caused this puzzling turn of events?
+Well, I'll tell you my tale... by thinking about it to myself.
+...and so our Employee of the Month is the late Roger Ducette, who tragically died from complications due to union organizing. Moving on. The Power Plant's first annual Fourth of July picnic is this coming Saturday!
+Woo hoo!
+Ooh, I'm afraid you misunderstand. This picnic is for me. You will all be spending your Independence Day slaving away in the hot summer sun without pay, lotion or gratitude.
+Yes, duh-ohhh, indeed.
+Sir, your spare ribs -- cooked just the way you like 'em.
+Spare ribs, eh? I've played a round of tenpins or two in my life, and to me, the word "spare" reeks of second best. Give me ten full frames of strike ribs!
+And you, find my doctor and ask him why I'd ask for something as insane as strike ribs!
+Yes, sir.
+You know, Sir... these people have been working since your six a.m. parade of the flags. Maybe you could give them the rest of the day off to spend with their families.
+Yes. They should go. Just as soon as they perform this musical I've written in celebration of our nation's birth.
+Grab your scripts, people! We open in twenty minutes! Break a leg!
+I said break a leg!
+For God's sake, man, it's a figure of speech. You're fired!
+WE LOVE A-MER-I-CAAA!
+Meh. Smithers, take my hands and clap them sarcastically.
+More sarcastic!
+Burns -- what an ungrateful jerk! We hoofed our hearts out for him -- with no rehearsal!
+I say Burns owes us a party. Let's have one, right now, with his wine!
+I don't know... technically, this is trespassing.
+What's the worst thing he could do?
+Hey Lenny, ya care for some Chateau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion?
+That's a regular-sized bottle. I'm drinkin' Jeroboams.
+I'm pounding Melchizedeks!
+Homer, that's a sixty thousand dollar bottle!
+Woo hoo! I'm drinking my salary!
+Yeah, but don't some of that go to income tax?
+Yeah, you're right.
+The government. Taking my hard-earned stolen wine and spending it on that no-good floor.
+I hear that.
+Smithers, sound the alarum! Summon the shire reeve! Wake the beadle!
+Okay, left hand: Rembrandt!
+All right, step away from the old masters and kick 'em over here. Come on.
+Whoa, wait a minute, Chief. This is "The Concert" by Vermeer!
+Which was stolen in 1990 from Boston's Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum!
+So Burns, do you want to explain how this miracle of measure and harmony got into your collection?
+Well, I... you see... it's just is it a crime to want nice things? And then to steal them from a public museum where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can gawk at them? I think not!
+Cuff him, Lou.
+The entire town turned out to jeer me. Me, whose velvet breeches their lizard lips had so often joylessly smooched.
+Throwin' stuff! Get yer throwin' stuff! Turn a protest into a riot!
+How much for a tomato?
+Fresh is a dollar, rotten's two bucks.
+Son, do you really need the rotten? I mean, it's not like you're actually gonna hit him.
+Awww... since it's your birthday...
+Mom! I'm gonna go hurl rotten fruit!
+No one in this family is hurling rotten anything at anyone!
+And just what might that be?
+Uh... this is my lunch.
+Really? Okay, eat your lunch.
+You said it's your lunch. Eat it.
+Eat my lunch?
+Yes! Enjoy!
+Okay, I will!
+Bon appétit!
+They continued for some time in this vein, until...
+You don't think I'm going to?
+I don't see any chewing!
+Not air bites, real bites.
+Where are you going?
+Shopping. Every time this town riots, the malls are deserted. You stay here.
+I hate being stuck at home!
+Play with Lisa.
+Mom, you don't play with Lisa. You play despite her.
+Bart, I'm not thrilled either. But one day we might need each other for organ transplants, so we'd better keep the lines of communication open. Want to help me with my ant farm?
+You plant the ants and then they grow?
+No, the ants are the farmers.
+Really? What are they growing?
+Nothing! Look, do you want to do it or not?
+So ironic. After all my years of stock jobbing, gun running, attempted murder, successful murder, and tom peepery, they get me on a petty multi-million dollar art theft.
+It's so unfair!
+Smithers, until I am released, you shall be running the nuclear plant.
+Be strong, Smithers. Be strong for the plant. She needs you.
+This would've been a perfect time for it to start raining. Oh what the hell -- I'm telling this story!
+Not dramatic enough.
+Frostbite took his nose!
+Excellent.
+That prison was like a prison to me. Not a prison of bricks and iron, but one of steel and cement. They took everything from me.
+One movie stub from "Tillie's Punctured Romance"... envelope marked "bribe"...
+...empty... social security card...
+That's just an S.S. card, you Dummkopf!
+My only hope lay in befriending the warden.
+Now you looky here, Burns. All your money and influence don't mean nothin' on the inside.
+Yes... but a wealthy man can buy information, information that can be highly damaging to a certain warden.
+Well, uh, what information we talkin' 'bout?
+Well I'm sure the boys at the city desk would be interested to learn that you're addicted to... to...
+Can't read my own writing. But I'll tell you this, warden, it starts with an "H"...
+It's clearly more than three letters!
+Get him out of my sight.
+Ain't nobody gonna take my "H" from me.
+Damn, that gas is noble.
+Time for a cavity search.
+I haven't had a cavity in over forty years.
+I wasn't talking about your teeth.
+Nor was I.
+Meet your roommate.
+Hiya, pal! They put two harmless white collar criminals in the same cell. What luck, huh?
+I was afraid you'd be some tattooed bruiser.
+Well, they don't turn out too many of those at Dartmouth.
+Dartmouth?! Get me away from this hideous brute at once!
+At once! Do you hear me?!
+Got my Masters from the University of Virginia -- the public Ivy!
+Such an intricate formicarium! I'm the proudest myrmecologist on the block.
+Hey, they're not eating.
+Don't worry. I gave 'em a Pop Tart. The healthy kind, strawberry-frosted.
+Bart! That Pop Tart wasn't locally farmed or sourced!
+You don't have a "whisper" voice, do you?
+Oh Lisa, you take the fun out of everything! I am so glad I am not your kid.
+Well, I'm so glad I'm not your mom.
+You should be. If I was in your tummy, I'd poo in your throat.
+Ew! Ew! Ew! I'll never get that image out of my head!
+Oh no. You are not taking the children.
+If they're anybody's children they're mine!
+Quick, we've got to get them back!
+There's only one ant left!
+I will never forgive you.
+Well, I will never forgive you, Bart.
+That only angers me more.
+I know.
+Okay Waylon, you never wanted this job, but you got it.
+Dammit.
+You know, this is my chance. A chance to be the kind of boss I want to be. A little more "employee friendly."
+That was a wild Christmas party.
+In the next few weeks we'll be introducing a medical plan that covers illness, and a suggestion box that is no longer a guillotine for the hand.
+Well, I agree things are a lot nicer around here. But I think I speak for many of us when I say what's the catch?
+Well the catch is, happy workers are productive workers.
+There's always a catch.
+Can I come in?
+You're not going anywhere near Annie.
+As in "Little Orphan."
+It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.
+Patty and Selma are dead? Woo hoo! A double funeral!
+Dad, before you jump to conclusions...
+Please tell me they suffered.
+G-g-g-g-hags!
+Hm, looks like it's pledge day. Which jailhouse fraternity shall I join?
+The Shriners?
+The R.O.T.C.?
+The Sunday funnies?
+Or one of these other dining clubs? Look at them circling me like I'm Cinderella, belle of the ball!
+Back off!
+He's mine.
+Warden! Help me!
+No can do, baby. I'm not comin' down for days.
+Mr. Smithers, our lives are awesome, thanks to you. And because I know you "like your loafers light," I want to give something back.
+Use that image any way you want.
+Three cheers for Mr. Smithers!
+To Mr. Smithers! / Hooray!
+Uh listen... can I leave a little early tomorrow? My kid has a thing.
+Ooo yeah, can I leave early too? I wanna take a nap so I'm awake for the meteor shower.
+Well... I'm flexible. Go ahead.
+Y'know, I used to think you was just as bad as Mr. Burns, now I think you're just as good as me.
+Oh, that is a huge compliment.
+Uh, excuse me.
+Yes, the service on my car was excellent. Five out of five. Four out of five. Five out of five. Um, excuse me, can I go back and change that four out of five to five out of five? I'm wasting your time?
+Smithers. What a marshmallow.
+I don't have a thing with my kid tomorrow!
+You told me you did.
+I do, but I'm not going to it.
+To Smithers, the world's dumbest loser!
+There's nothing sweeter than being nice to a guy's face and then stabbin' him in the back the minute he walks away!
+All right, that's it.
+You know, I used to wonder why Mr. Burns hated humanity. Now I know. You open your heart and they mock your very decency!
+Ooh! We mock your very decency.
+Man, Smithers is workin' us like dogs!
+Well, at least we've got the best brand ceiling insulation.
+Well, at least we've got the best asbestos.
+I told you, you're mine. And you can't escape... the word of Jesus Christ.
+Burns, you shall reject Satan!
+Why can't you reject your guy?
+Because when I was at my lowest, facing fifty years to life...
+Someone handed me a book...
+I couldn't read a lick, but that picture of Jesus gave me a comfort I'd never known.
+So I promised the Lord I'd put that fifty years to use reclaiming lost souls like you!
+Come to Jesus!
+Shan't.
+Feel his power!
+I've died and come back. It's overrated.
+Open your heart!
+I will suck out your evil!
+And now your evil is gone!
+I'm afraid that was just my pre-evil.
+I feel it! I feel the love coursing through my vein!
+Welcome to the Lord, brother.
+So that hellhole became my Heavenhole. I joined the prison choir...and the Prison Beatles Tribute Band.
+I raked a Zen garden in the courtyard...and found a peace and serenity I'd never known.
+Who's carrying fifty times her weight? Ooo, you are!
+Bart, she's only carrying thirty times her weight. Our girl is slowing down.
+Oh my God, that is so sad.
+It's the natural order of things. I'm afraid she's got another two, maybe three days, tops.
+Do we let her spend the rest of her life in the wild? Or let her die in captivity, like Grampa?
+Hey, in my mind I'm free!
+No you're not, ya idjit!
+It's official. Smithers is now worse than Mr. Burns.
+Instead of releasing hounds, he releases wolverines!
+I never thought I'd say this, but I wish Mr. Burns was back.
+Hey, if wishes were horses I'd be eatin' wish-meat every night.
+What does that mean?
+It means it's not like you're gonna break into the prison and bust him out or anything.
+Aw hey, c'mon. You can't really be serious about breaking him out.
+It's too late to turn back, Moe. We've exchanged meaningful looks.
+No, you can still turn back! The point of no return is the whispered huddle.
+Oh God, oh God!
+Burns, you're coming with us.
+No! No! Let me go! Let me go!
+Why would I want to leave the place where my soul was saved?
+And that's where we came in. Now, without further ado, here's what happened next:
+But first, I'll daydream about a sport utility vehicle, a crispy chicken sandwich, and a wonderful blue pill.
+Hold it right there. You're not leaving with that man. He's born again. Been baptized in a toilet sink.
+Everyone doesn't have to know that part.
+It's the specific detail that shows the humbling you've undergone.
+Goodbye, Annie, my eight-legged friend.
+Ants have six legs, Bart.
+Oh, thank God. I thought I broke two off.
+You're just a tiny ant, but you were strong enough to pull my brother and me together. Now go and be free.
+Look, if I leave with you, they're just going to throw me back in.
+The world has changed since you went in. Men of wealth can beat the system now.
+Yeah. And they've replaced parking meters with this thing you stick your credit card into.
+The war is over and the future won. The past never had a chance, man!
+Do you really want to leave with these idiots?
+I'm afraid so.
+But I cleansed you of your evil!
+I had a little left between my toes. It quickly multiplied, and now I'm a bigger bastard than ever. But I must know -- what was it about me that made you try?
+Because I've killed so many rich white men, I thought I'd do right by at least one.
+We're not so different, you and I.
+Get your skinny ass out of here.
+Lollygags... slackabouts... Captain Happys... you're all fired!
+I'll do the firing around here.
+Mr. Burns! You're even more beautiful than I remembered!
+All of you, out of my office!
+Farewell, friend. Maybe you'll find another lost lamb for your flock.
+Tell me, brother - have you heard the story of Jesus Christ?
+Well I am Italian, but no.
+I LIVE ME IN A MANSION / FULL OF THOSE GRECIAN URNS / BUT I'M LONELY ALL THE LIVE-LONG DAY / THAT'S THE BLUES OF MONTY BURNS
+HE'S GOT THE BLUES /
+THE I GOT NO PROBLEMS BLUES!
+OH, MY TAPESTRY'S MEDIEVAL, / MY HEART, IT'S EVIL TOO / BUT THAT DON'T MEAN I DON'T NEED LOVE / FROM LESSER TYPES LIKE YOU!
+HE'S GOT THE BLUES / THE OLD AND PRIVILEGED WHITE MAN BLUES!
+I can't believe you're making us go to a birthday party for a kid we don't even know.
+You remember Dylan. You were in "Toddle Tots" together.
+I don't even remember if Dylan's a boy or a girl.
+Of course you do. Dylan's a... Hm... let me check the invitation...
+Fish theme! That tells me nothing!
+There's gotta be a clue here somewhere.
+See? Dylan is clearly a girrr--
+What kind of a party has two activities? They're just trying to confuse me.
+Look, everyone! Dylan's best friend is here!
+I give up!
+I hope Dylan likes trucks.
+Lady, you don't know Dylan.
+Carrot cake?!
+Ooo, carrot cake!
+So moist!
+Battle card -- digitate!
+Defense card -- deflecto-warp!
+Disubaki -- goji kick!
+Hey, dinks. Whatcha dweebin'?
+You don't know Battle Balls?
+It's a Japanese card game based on a cartoon based on an ancient religion, based on a candy bar.
+It makes Digimon look like Pokémon.
+What?! Impossible!
+No food allowed in bank?
+Better lie low, my sweet red friend.
+He's got a gun!
+I think he's saying... he'll kill one hostage an hour until he gets what he wants!
+He's saying he wants one million dollars in unmarked bills!
+It's just a candy apple.
+Clearly, he's saying he wants to be tasered again.
+Get him deep in the meat.
+Homer Simpson, for causing a panic in the bank, you are hereby sentenced to one hundred hours of community service.
+Community service? But... that's work! What about jail?
+Community service!
+No! I wanna go to jail! Free food! Teardrop tattoos! Library books that come to youuu!
+I'll serve anything but the communityyy!
+So, sweetie. This community service detail should end around five. You wanna go to that seafood place? Ah, yeah, you got your book club again. Man, that thing sure meets a lot. Hey, you know, I've read that book... maybe I could come and... oh right, right, right. Not enough chairs. Yeah. Well, I'll probably be asleep in front of the fridge when you get home. Bye.
+Well, well, well, the community service detail. You people make me sick.
+Hey, whatcha packin', Simpson?
+Just my lunch.
+Chicken parm, meatball parm, eggplant parm...
+Shish ka-parm, angel food parm, moo goo gai parm... my wife can parm anything.
+My wife only parms on my birthday. And that's only if I give her the sad puppy-dog look.
+Awwww, want a bite?
+Really? Ya mean it?
+Okay, criminals, here's your assignments: Brockman, you get the used condoms out of that thorn bush, Krustofsky, go sort those bums by the war they were in...
+And Simpson, you sit down at this picnic table here and grab a bite with me.
+Teacher's pet!
+Hey, find your nose, funny man.
+There was cocaine in there! I won't last an hour!
+Do you ever wear your police pants to regular things?
+Throw a jean jacket on top of these babies and you can go anywhere.
+From fast food to fine dining?
+And everything in between.
+Ever stop breathing when you're asleep?
+Oh yeah. All the time. They say it's 'cause I'm overweight.
+Overweight? You? Oh now that's crazy. Now me, I have to get my underwear specially made by this village in the Ukraine. They call me "Daddy Round-Round." Send me a Christmas card every year.
+That's some big underwear.
+My underpants paid for their water filtration system.
+All right, that's it for today.
+Uh Simpson, hold on a sec. Um... You wanna uh... Uh, I don't know, get a beer sometime, uh...
+Okay. Ever been to Moe's?
+Uh, Earth to Homer -- I arrested you there last month.
+Oh yeah -- sorry I was such a jerk about it.
+Aw, now, who could blame you? Your sports team lost. Yeah. Well I'll see you at Moe's.
+I'm there every day, five to eleven.
+Calling all units, Chief Wiggum just made a friend.
+Uh, he's not my friend. He's just a non-violent perp I'm gonna pound a few beers with. Is he looking at me right now?
+No-no-no -- don't be so obvious. Let's all look without looking, okay?
+Oh my God, he likes me! Officer up! Officer way, way up!
+Oh man, this is so awesome! I can't believe I'm having breakfast where the cops do.
+Yeah, and you can feel good about eating here too, because all the cooks are ex-cons getting a second chance.
+Aw dang! I lost track of time! I'm gonna be late for work.
+No you won't. Follow me.
+Wow. So this is what it feels like to be a pregnant lady.
+Hey, Simpson! Think you got all the best Battle-Ball cards? Well, stink again, smellwad. Ralph Wiggum's got a platinum lava genie!
+How'd a Pull-Up like you get a great card like that?
+My not-dead Gramma sent it from Tokyo.
+Ralph, I will play you for that card.
+Okay, but if I win, you have to teach me how to play this game.
+Sir, I think something's going down. Something big.
+Hm. Could that be some sort of narcotics transaction?
+Uh, what are you asking me for?
+I see you're impressed by my costume for the school's annual drug awareness assembly.
+Uh... so am I gettin' a raise or not?
+Hey Homer, hand me my coffee.
+Want some sugar?
+No, no, I got it.
+Impressive.
+Hey, would it be okay if I uh... "ran a make" on myself?
+G'ahead.
+Drunk and disorderly? That's a little redundant. Hey, uh, mind if I do a little "spring cleaning?"
+I'll tell you what -- I'll just look the other way while you press "control F3"...
+You just put yourself on Amber Alert!
+Oh my God, oh my God! Um...
+Okay, that's better.
+Not a good time to be carrying this cake.
+Listen Homer, uh... would you like to see my uh, my favorite place in the whole world?
+Really? Me?
+Homer, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: cops don't have many friends. Civilians are scared of us, and uh, other cops just remind us of things we want to forget. That's why our friendship is so special to me.
+Chief... me too.
+Um, y'know I've been back here for like, ten hours. Any chance of a bathroom break?
+Thanks a lot, Jailbird. Now I've got you on burglary and killing a moment.
+Mrs. Simpson, Bart has always been what we educators term a "Nogoodnik," but lately his behavior has taken a more sinister turn.
+Yes, we have reason to believe your son has been dealing drugs.
+Dealing drugs? That's impossible. He... he doesn't have the math skills!
+Marge, I know you've tried everything to keep Bart under control: Ritalin, Lithium, Zoloft... well, they didn't work. He has moved on to drugs.
+Bart? Bart, are you here?
+You really know how to roll 'em Bart.
+That's drug talk! But I could be mistaken. Let me just listen to a little more, out of context.
+This product is unbelievable!
+It's imported, you know!
+Ever worry the sun's not going to come back after it goes down at night?
+Uh, me neither. But, but you know who does? Ralphie. Got a lot of worries, that kid: What if the bed wets him? What if Superman decided to kill everybody?
+Hey, Ralph's a good kid. And he should be, he's got a great Dad.
+Homer Simpson, you always know the perfect thing to say.
+Chief, Chief, it's Lou!
+Okay, what is it now?
+They're shooting at us! We need backup now!
+You need backup or you want backup?
+We got a two-eleven in progress!
+Hey, what have I told you about not using the numbers?!
+It's an armed robbery, dammit!
+I guess we should go.
+Ooh, ooh! Can I cuff him?!
+Sure, why not?
+Chief, come on, he's not trained!
+Who are you, the rules police?
+Uh, no -- we are the police police.
+Nobody moves or the doughboy gets popped.
+Take your hands off my brother from another mother!
+Let's get outta here!
+Not to worry, Homer. That's what bulletproof vests are for.
+Is he gonna be okay?
+It's gonna be touch and go. His left lung was filled with shamrock shake. McDonald's didn't even sell them this year.
+Don't worry, Sarah. Clancy was there for me. And I'll be there for him.
+Ahhh, that is so much better than hospital beer.
+You see?
+Don't die on me, Clancy. You said our friendship was special. Well if it was so special, wake up you fat sack of...
+Homer... what happened to me?
+You saved my life. And I came here every day to make sure you pulled through.
+Thanks, Homer. You're a true friend. Unlike that Lou.
+You're too late.
+Chief, I've been sleepin' on that couch for a week.
+You missed the wakeup. That's all that counts.
+Clancy, I haven't seen my family in days. Would you mind if I went home now?
+Now? But I just woke up.
+Well, if you really want me to stay...
+No, no. You do what you have to do. Live your life. Which I saved.
+Fine! I'll stay a little more.
+Great! Great! And can you read me a story... that you write yourself?
+It should be about an imaginary meeting between Babe Ruth and Hitler. But make no mention of baseball or Germany. And, begin.
+Awesome. You finally made my room cool!
+Bart Simpson, are you a drug-o?
+What? No! Not until you raise my allowance.
+Well, can you explain what you were doing in the basement with Milhouse?
+Getting higher and higher...
+...Scores on Battle Ball!
+Hey, that's pretty nifty. Let me try.
+Oh my gosh, that's adorable! This one's going on the Christmas tree.
+It's no fun if my Mom likes them!
+Come on, toilet! If you can handle Dad, you can handle this!
+Homer, where you been the last few weeks?
+Playing nursemaid to Chief Wiggum.
+People who get shot in the chest are such big babies.
+Well, well, well. So this is the "Saint Elmo's Fire" reunion that Andrew McCarthy himself was going to attend.
+Okay, maybe I lied. But you've been so needy... "I'm hungry," "I'm itchy," "that's not my blood type..."
+Yeah, yeah, yeah... whoa... what have we here?
+World's worst friend.
+Hey man, you planted that!
+It's your word against the Chief of Police. Take him away, boys.
+Chief, being a bad friend isn't against the law.
+Well if it was, he'd be gettin' the chair! You, you all would!
+Bad friend! Bad friend! Bad friend!
+Who gave me up?
+Guess what, Silkie. It was your own mother.
+How does that feel?
+You're both jive. You hear me? You're both jive!
+Oh, everything reminds me of Clancy.
+You mugs'll never take me alive, see.
+Everything.
+Homer? You have visitors.
+Homer, we haven't seen the Chief in days. And uh, we're starting to worry.
+Any idea where he might be?
+I have an idea. But I must go alone. My car is filled with printer paper I stole from work.
+Hey, Chief. I uh, brought a thirty-two piece chicken bucket.
+Ha! Just like you to forget that I might want some.
+C'mon, c'mon, stitch those alligators!
+We gotta get those knockoff Lacod shirts to the mall in time for the crazy days of summer sale!
+Freeze!
+Careful, boys -- looks like his weapon's loaded... with twelve original herbs and spices.
+You're jive, do you hear me? You're all jive!
+I don't understand, Master.
+I'm sorry, Homer. If I hadn't been so needy, we wouldn't be in this trunk.
+Well, I was kind of ungrateful. You did save my life.
+Well, at least we got to be friends again -- y'know, before we got whacked.
+We're not gonna get whacked. Because you're Chief Clancy Wiggum, and you're gonna figure a way out of this.
+You have that much faith in me?
+No, faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real.
+Louie, how about some ominous music? It will make our drive to the body dumpery most cinematic.
+You got it, boss.
+This sounds like your "Folk Divas" mix!
+I'm gonna slap some sense into that CD changer!
+Eat Fix-A-Flat!
+Oh, so that was a tire iron poking me in the back. Oh, that clears up a lot.
+Attention all units -- Chief Wiggum and Homer have moved into a new phase in their friendship. The flame will burn less brightly perhaps, but this time, may last much longer.
+Well said, Lou. Oh Homer, you want to take out the police copter and hassle people with the spotlight?
+I know just the guy.
+Flanders! Wake up! Take off your clothes and prepare to be raptured.
+Okily dokily.
+Now, shave off your moustache and drink the hairs in a cup of cocoa.
+Hot cocoa?
+No, ice cold.
+In a conflict as old as pencil and paper...two mighty armies square off in a battle between cross and circle... Tic-tac-toe, X-v.-O!
+Remember my son, the one who controls the center controls the board.
+I begin to fear you are too stupid.
+I love you Romeo!
+I love you Julie-x!
+Tic-tac-noooo!
+On July 4th, it's your move. From the producers of "Duck, Duck Goose," "Got Your Nose," and "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich."
+/ What's going on?
+Look at this electric bill! I'm not made of money! I'm made of man-meat and a skeleton!
+It's time to unplug these vampire appliances that plunge their prongs into our creamy white outlets to quench their unholy thirst for electrons. Lamp, computer, Jacob's Ladder...
+How long has this been running?
+Dad, while I agree reducing consumption is great, it's hard to make permanent changes in your lifestyle.
+Are you calling me fat?
+No... I am suggesting you consider cheaper, alternate sources of energy.
+Hmm... Alternative Energy Expo. Where there's expos, there's free Frisbees! Let's roll. But we'd better make sure robbers don't know we're out.
+Come on, let's go! What are you waiting for? Come on.
+Do they think I'm like an idiot? I'm going to enjoy pooping on their carpet.
+You son-of-a-bitch!
+Now, on to the next funny booth.
+Solar power is a bright idea!
+Yeah, so is getting a real job.
+Dad! I found what you're looking for!
+A churro you can eat in the shower?
+Goddag, friendlys! Behold to you -- wind! The energy that powers Denmark.
+Well, I'm not usually one to take the word of a Dane... plus, how can I afford it?
+Well, there are tax credits, government rebates... it will pay for itself in twelve to eighteen...
+Months?
+Lifetimes.
+Hmm, tie it to my car and you've got a deal.
+Lars, get the twine! You will not regret this!
+I'm starting to regret it already.
+Too late. Lars got the twine.
+Dad, you are leading the way in clean energy.
+Yup, I Al-Gored it pretty good. Where's my Grammy for audio book narration?
+It's making our meter run backwards!
+Oh my goodness! It means we're traveling back in time! I can warn President Lincoln to dump his wife before she goes crazy!
+Dad, all it means is we're providing power to the electric company.
+Oh, that's just great. I discover electricity and they want to take it from me!
+Hello, local utility? You greedy bastards have gouged Homer Simpson for the last time.
+We will cancel your account, sir.
+The Simpsons are off the grid! And so far it's going great!
+Gentlemen, tonight's game is brought to us by something special. The kite's best friend, the flag's partner in patriotism, you've seen cherubs blow it from map corners -- the wind!
+All right! / Blow me some sports!
+...PERILOUS FIGHT, O'ER THE RAMPARTS WE--
+"O'er the ramparts we" what?!
+Don't worry, I'll go see what's wrong!
+What the? Who turned off the wind?
+Dad, if we're really off the grid, then we won't get power when the air is still.
+Oh. Well I'm not crawling back to big electricity! From now on, the Simpsons are living intermittently.
+My smoothie is a lumpy!
+The wind may have stopped working, but my brain nev...er does. Check it out, gang.
+But Dad, it defeats the purpose if you're powering our windmill with the electricity from Flanders.
+Homer, this meeting of your "fan club" is adjourned!
+But we haven't read the minutes of last week's meeting!
+You used to be nicer!
+When is my turn over?
+Bart, please! I'm trying to hear Dr. House's third incorrect diagnosis before his final correct diagnosis!
+Dear Lord, you've got the wind I need, I've got the prayers you crave. Let's make a deal.
+Kent's Weather Worriers are reporting gusts up to seventy-five...
+Now we're cookin' with wind!
+Homie, maybe this is too much electricity.
+Nothing is ever right for you.
+Oh, why can't our house ever be that bright?
+Nothing is ever right for you.
+Finally.
+Well, the lesson here is...
+We're gonna go check out the wind damage!
+Be careful! If you see a downed power line, do whatever it is people are supposed to do in that situation.
+Make it stop! Make it stop!
+Look at the cool stuff that washed up!
+Scuba goggles!
+Medical waste!
+Huh? / Whoa.
+Oh my God...
+A beached whale.
+Bart, can you believe that something so mighty has been rendered so powerless?
+I'm gonna have my next birthday party on this thing.
+Ay carumba.
+She's such a beautiful shade of blue... I'm going to call you Bluella the Whale."
+Check it out! World's biggest armpit fart!
+You just made a powerful enemy!
+C'mon, everybody! A whale needs help!
+Why should we?
+Yeah, where was that whale when my Mom moved out?
+Whales are mammals like us! They're sensitive and deeply intelligent!
+I'm gonna get real help. Just try to keep her wet.
+Hey, Milhouse! Wanna learn more about whaling?
+Hey, Milhouse! Want me to "knock it off?"
+I'm afraid to answer that.
+Never tell a bully you're afraid!
+Our wedding china's ruined.
+We'll have to eat Thanksgiving dinner off regular plates like animals!
+Hey, Mom... Dad... there's a whale on the beach... You've gotta help me get her back in the ocean!
+All right -- let me get my tool belt.
+Man, who are these belts made for, French supermodels?
+Hurry, Dad, hurry!
+Homie, can I talk to you for a second?
+Sure. Lisa, bring the car around.
+But I don't know how to drive.
+Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive?
+A little.
+Homie, I happened to read about beached whales in Springfield Geographic. It usually does not end well.
+We can't let Lisa get her hopes up.
+Marge, how hard can it be? We're just rolling it into the ocean from the beach. It's not like it's stuck in the bottom of a well or in a Mexican prison.
+Ooh, it's dinner time!
+But that would make a great movie.
+Lisa is very sensitive. If something she loves dies in front of her--
+That whale's not gonna die! We're busting him out of prison, no matter what you say, Escobar! God, this thing writes itself.
+Coming!
+Okay, we'll need the town's strongest men to roll the whale back in the water.
+Hm. We need a better idea. We'll have to find the town's smartest men.
+It's hard to believe anyone in that contest can be considered smart.
+One, two, three, tug!
+Lisa, sweetheart -- it's almost dinnertime. Why don't you come home?
+I'll catch up with you guys in a little bit.
+You know, when I'm sad, I read something beautiful and true: poetry.
+No, no, you'll like it. It's about the ocean.
+"The world below the brine / Forests at the bottom of the sea / the Branches and leaves... / Sea-lettuce, vast lichens...
+Wake up, Lis!
+They're doing it!
+Dorsal straps secured!
+Tail clamps in position!
+Congratulatory T-shirts silkscreened and distributed!
+Operation Desert Ocean is a go! Let's get this lady fish into the blue zone!
+It was my idea to put the whale in the water.
+Girl, you're going home! You're going home!
+Goodbye, Bluella! Send me a post card from Tierra Del Fuego!
+Bye! Goodbye!
+Bluella?
+Don't worry, honey. Right now she's lying on God's beach.
+She doesn't like lying on the beach! She likes being in the ocean!
+Oh Lisa, I'm sorry. I tried my best. I know it's really hard when you discover your dad isn't perfect.
+Not perfect?! You can say that again.
+I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron! Lisa, where were we?
+Maybe I should just be alone a little bit.
+Of course.
+It kills me to see her like that. And if there's one thing I can't stand it's being killed.
+Milhouse, this'll be the biggest dead animal we ever poked with a stick!
+If that flattened squirrel we poked last week could only see us now.
+All right, back up, everybody. Oh, but not too much. You are definitely gonna want to see this!
+So clean, how part of it just disappears like that.
+Citizens, today we honor Bluella the whale, along with the victims of the Great Whale Explosion.
+Could you please stop dynamiting?!
+Sorry. I sat on the plunger.
+But Bluella will live on among us as we make use of every part of her body, from blowhole to fluke.
+Behold, I am Captain Kirk from Star Trek One!
+Generations.
+Boston Legal!
+Now, Lisa, I know you miss your whale. So I got you a pet that will never die. An invisible dog.
+Aw, look. He's doing his business.
+Hey! Not on the rug! You bad dog! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop biting my leg! Ow! Alright, that's it! You're going outside!
+Bad dog! Stop!
+Bluella?
+Why couldn't I be eaten by a giraffe? That would be fun!
+Oh hey there, Liser. Just oiling the old door here. Finally silenced that mournful wail.
+No. I'm not gonna be disappointed again.
+Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
+They must be Bluella's children! Hello, whale calves! Your mother lives on through you!
+Run! I mean, swim! I mean .
+Those baby whales are doomed, just like their mom. I guess it's just nature's way.
+Nature is a toothless dying hag! We are gonna save those whale babies!
+Dad? Where did you get that boat?
+I'm taking it on a test drive from the boat store! Get in!
+Shark week just got cancelled.
+Drop the 'poon!
+Oh come on! Leave me alone! I'm trying to save your precious whales!
+We're not here to protect the whales -- we're here to protect the sharks!
+Did you know that over forty million sharks are slaughtered every year to make shark-fin soup?
+You like sharks?
+Being a true eco-activist means supporting every animal's struggle for life.
+Except for cockroaches... yuck!
+Linda, please.
+Typical eco-jerks -- using words to talk!
+Dad, no!
+They're right. If the only way to save the whales is to kill another innocent creature, I can't let you do it.
+Sharks, innocent? Please. Every year they kill a couple of people who do a series of stupid things. The shark's reptilian brain understands only one thing: the crime of murder...
+Dad! The sharks must think you're a baby whale!
+Ooh, a baby whale. My diet is working.
+Gently bonk the sharks on the nose with this!
+It'll either make them go away or eat you quicker.
+Ooh, maybe the blood will scare the sharks off!
+It's the baby whales' dad!
+Thanks, buddy!
+Thanks for not letting me give up, Dad.
+Hey, I'd do anything for a sweet intelligent mammal, by which I mean you.
+Do you think they'll be okay?
+Absolutely. He's young, he's got two cute kids... he'll be moving in with a sexy lady octopus in no time. They'll have to sell their old place... too many memories. But if I'm not mistaken, there's a little whale-a-puss on the way.
+Tonight let's all draw pictures of what your father just said.
+Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Duffman is here to refill your beers!
+Thank you!
+Now, for the only thing better than Duff...
+Better than Duff? What's he talking about?
+...Free Duff stuff!
+Oh, yeah.
+Now, who wants...beer cozies! A shirt that says "Yo!" Sassy seat cushions! And Flash drives for your P.C. so you can take your data and back it up!!!
+I want some of that!
+And now, Duffman has a dinner date with his estranged daughter! Must not bring up why she dropped out of college! It's too sad!
+Guess what company had a giveaway at Moe's last night?
+No. I won't.
+Keep guessing...
+What's it say, boy?
+Responsibly.
+Kid, you've been staring at these gelatin desserts for fifteen minutes. Pick one!
+It's so hard to decide. Is the yellow one lemon or pineapple?
+It's your pet canary! Now scram!
+Haw haw! You're a spaz!
+That's not true! First of all, Milhouse fell because you tripped him. Secondly, "spaz" is short for "spastic diplegic," someone who suffers from a serious medical condition. Thirdly, your "haw haw," through overuse, has lost its power.
+Wow. I bow before your logic.
+Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice how logically you argue.
+Well, I am one: flattered and two: intrigued. Lisa Simpson.
+Ms. Dubinsky. I'd like to invite you to join our debate team.
+I didn't know we had a debate team.
+Well it's the one extra-curricular activity that can't be cut, because it requires no equipment.
+We're low on funding, so Ralph Wiggum will be standing in as your lectern.
+I'm a furniture!
+...and that is why hybrid car buyers should be given rebates paid for by taxes on hamburgers.
+Thank you, Lisa.
+Excuse me. The podiums are needed in the art room as easels.
+Megan, cross-examination.
+What if someone's driving an old, but functioning, car? Wouldn't the carbon required to create a new hybrid exceed the savings in gas?
+Initially yes, but--
+And isn't most electricity in the United States ultimately derived from the burning of coal?
+Currently. However, solar and wind are...
+The sun and the breeze: the two things you know a lot about. Right, Blondie?
+Blondie?
+Like, totally.
+Why don't we get a bitchin' new perm with daddy's credit card?
+First of all, my father no longer has any functioning credit cards. Secondly, how dare you refer--
+Ooo, you can count to two. Do you need some ice on your head?
+I... I...
+The winner by a hair... a brown hair... Megan!
+That hollow mountain in Nevada that was supposed to hold a million years of nuclear waste is full.
+Did they jump on the pile to smoosh it down?
+It went down in one place and up in another. We need somewhere else to dispose of this plutonium.
+Eh, just find the biggest idiot on our payroll and slip it in his bag.
+Ooh. That's a Bingo.
+Mmmm. Good mac and cheese.
+I've had better. Down at the train station.
+I'll have to check it out sometime.
+Now the best mac and cheese I've ever had is at a bowling alley in Ogdenville.
+I am pretty full.
+Breadcrumbs on the top.
+I'm on my way!
+That bag...
+...surely it's attended.
+Unattended bag!
+Allll... panic!
+So, what do you think?
+I think we're gonna blow it up and let the bleeding heart liberals ask questions later.
+Well now, why can't it be blown up by a woman of color?
+Five, four, no time for a full countdown.
+This just in: the suspicious bag detonated at Springfield Union Station today contained deadly plutonium, which can only mean one thing -- a terrorist plot. Enough radioactivity was released to create seventeen Hulks and a Spider-man. Here's an artist's conception:
+Quite disturbing.
+I admit it. Everything I've said about terrorism till now was fear-mongering. But today I monger the truth. To protect our city from all future bombings, dirty, clean, dive or carpet, we have hired an outside consultant from London, England.
+Does he have a cute accent?
+Why don't you be the judge, young lady?
+Oooh, he sounds just like Paddington Bear!
+My name is Nigel Bakerbutcher.
+Sleepy London town. Once upon a time, the only problem we had here was from over-zealous cockney flower sellers.
+Flowers, guvnor? / A pretty for your button hole? / Hello, hello, hello.
+But in London of the twenty-first century, the watchword is "vigilance". London is now ringed by the most comprehensive array of surveillance cameras mankind has ever seen.
+Excuse me! Is this what the framers of the constitution would want?
+Well, I'm Wally of Wally's Framers, and this is exactly what I want.
+How many personal freedoms are we willing to give up in the name of security?
+That blonde girl thinks she's smart like us dark hairs.
+Again with the blonde! Why in the world would the color of the hair on someone's head have anything to do with the intelligence within?
+Yeah, you're so right. I'm smart too. I got Joe to promise to leave his wife when I turn fifty.
+Er, uh, yes. Now, all in favor of these cameras say "cheese."
+Cheese!
+Those opposed say "I hate America".
+I'm Jimbo!
+Motion carries. Next up: motion to limit terms of city officials. All in favor say "I have sex with animals."
+I do have sex with animals, but I am not in favor of term limits.
+Lisa, I know kids have been making fun of your blonde hair, so I got you this book from the "being different" section of the bookstore.
+Sally Circle was eating donuts and Ovaltine when her father came in with terrible news.
+We're moving to Rectangu-Land! Round up the family and let's roll!
+Everyone was mean to Sally. She was too well-rounded. She felt cornered. They wouldn't let her play four-square or invite her to the box social.
+The end.
+That's a rather unambitious book.
+I want a camera on every light pole, I want two hidden cameras there, open camera there, hidden, hidden...hidden...hidden...cluster! Right there! Yes!
+Um. You ain't gonna like what you see.
+Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't make ice? She lost the recipe!
+You know why it takes longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to hollow out the head!
+He sure nailed you, Lis.
+You're blond too.
+Blonde guys aren't dumb. They're evil. Like in "The Karate Kid" and World War Two.
+All right, boys. Let's see the dark underbelly of our fair burg.
+Okay, we got a litterbug on F-6... double homicide in progress on Q-22-- a woman sunbathing topless on R-15!
+Uh Chief, I think we've got a misuse of police equipment on ZZ-99.
+Killjoy.
+Gas station customer washing windshield without buying gas... girl using White-Out as nail polish... Oh man, this is hard.
+Hey, did you get that guy who was parading around naked?
+He was just jogging in a tan sweat suit, Chief.
+Are you sure? I thought I saw his...
+That was a fanny pack, worn on the front.
+But there was a...
+Water bottle...
+But it was...
+Leaking.
+That's it! That's it! I can't take another minute of these stupid screens! Go-- go find some concerned citizens to pick up the slack.
+Well, how many should I get?
+Well, we've got eight chairs, so... No, no, wait. Put one chair in my office facing my desk, so I'll seem like a meetings guy. Have a seat... I'll be with you in one minute... Yeah...
+That's a new low.
+We have chosen you to help out because you are all that rare combination: prying, but not pervy.
+Now just follow a little formula called P.B. & J.: Peer at the monitor, Be judgmental, and Jot it down. One way to remember that is A.B.C.: Always Be Considering P.B. & J. But the single most important rule is the four A's: Always Act According to A.B.C.
+What is it, Ned?
+I've got two teens in a public park goin' at it like a couple of gibbons in the back seat of Noah's Ark!
+Should we inform the Chief?
+Maybe. But I feel a little like I'm the Tom Voyeur to these Huckleberry Sinners.
+Or you could correct the behavior yourself with our Nag-a-sonic speakers.
+Oi! Snogging people!
+What the hell was that?!
+Tongues where I can see them, please.
+I ain't lettin' you touch me with somebody watchin'.
+C'mon, baby, it's just a voice.
+Don't push it, Kearney.
+Great. Make me look easy in front of the voice.
+But you are easy -- don't be ashamed of what you are! Shauna!
+I've gone from lookie-loo to talkie-too.
+Excuse me, that's your salad fork!... That Wi-Fi's for hotel guests only!... What's the matter, sir, too cool to sing "Happy Birthday?"
+Isn't this great, Marge? We're like Jiminy Cricket for the whole ding-dang town. A half-man, half-bug that knows what's best for everybody. Um-hm.
+I don't know... I'm starting to think we're prying too much into people's lives, and this room isn't really the best place for Maggie to hang out.
+That's not Sesame Street, that's a gay bar.
+Although I guess this would teach her sharing and caring, but... we're going home.
+Dye! Dye! DYE!
+Tomorrow's forecast is:
+Okay, place your bets.
+Partly cloudy!
+Partly sunny!
+Golf ball-sized hail!
+A chance of severe thunder storms with golf ball-sized hail!
+Woo-hoo!
+I spy, with my electronic eye, illegal wagering!
+Hey, weren't these cameras installed to keep America's enemies from blowin' up our homeland?
+Well, sir, how many times have you been blown up since the cameras went in?
+Zero times.
+Mm-hmm! Now I'm gonna go tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk till you give the money back. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
+All right! All right!
+I'm goin' home. It's not safe in here.
+Don't use that dog as a ramp...
+Less radical... less radical!
+Stop gleaming that cube!
+So you like to watch, huh?! Well, take a look at this!
+Buttocks!
+Tushie!
+Whoa, a blind spot!
+Boy cheeks!... Fanny!... Derriere!... Hiney!... Backside!... ...Cover up that coin slot!
+Hey boy, whatcha doing?
+Experimenting with my butt.
+My little Einstein.
+Welcome to Chaos Corners, the Pleasure Patch, Satan's Triangle...the one place in town no cameras can see you and no laws can touch you!
+Oh yeah. That stopped the kicking.
+Inspiration Point looks pretty uninspired... All's quiet in Murder Town... Yep, Springfield is cleaner than the Lord's hand towels.
+Sour ball, take me away!
+Another tie, followed by three hours of parachute repacking.
+A phony bird call?! That means Marge is coming! Everyone, act legal!
+Homer, Maggie has to wear that clown mask for Halloween. What's going on?
+Well, uh... The one place the cameras can't see is right here in our backyard so I'm charging people to do whatever they want -- isn't that wonderful?
+I don't see what's so wonderful.
+Remember how you wanted me to get that expensive operation? Well, now I can afford a motorcycle!
+Ever hear of the expression "Not in my backyard?" Well, that!
+Nothin'. Nothin'. Somethin'!
+I don't want to get Homer in trouble, but it's just plain wrong to use that blind spot to turn our back yard into a Mecca of misdemeanors!
+Blind spot?! Mecca?!
+Rod? Hold up daddy's shaving mirror out the window, would ya?
+I see you now. Rod, you and Todd stay in the house.
+Todd's not in the house.
+...and that's why school uniforms should not be mandatory.
+Lisa, rebuttal?
+Dressing in uniforms is a good thing -- if everyone looks the same, it levels the playing field.
+/ Very smart. / That's well-reasoned. / A true brunette.
+It's better to just fit in with the crowd.
+/ Great point! / So smart! / She's as bright as her hair is dark!
+Oh, I can't go on! This rebuttal is a sham!
+You aren't being persuaded by the content of my argument -- you're being convinced by the color of my hair!
+/ That's absurd! / Although her brown hair makes a persuasive case.
+Well guess what, I am not a brunette! I'm a blonde!
+We must rid ourselves of these outdated clichés. Not all blondes are dumb! Not all fat people are jolly.
+Would you be jolly if you thought Comicon was moving to Anaheim?
+And not all old people are bad drivers!
+This building cut me off!
+Who wants feet steak?
+Me! Me! Me!
+De-meat those feet!
+Oh no! I don't have to listen to you. If I'm not on camera, you can't see me!
+I'm standin' right here!
+Everyone in this town is sick and tired of you looking over their shoulder. "Don't leave your sprinklers on in the rain!" "Don't burn that pile of ventriloquist dummies!"
+But you promised!
+Later. Later.
+But neighbor... why did you have to do this? I've tattled this town into a paradise!
+This used to be just a little part of me.
+You see, Ned... your city-wide nagging compressed all of our town's misbehavior into one small place...creating a glittering diamond of super evil.
+I guess I did create this... like God created the devil.
+God created the devil? Finally, He did something cool.
+I never wanted to turn into Big Brother. I just wanted to be Little Sister, tattlin' on everyone so the town would be a nicer place.
+Well, if you ask me, you were trying to play God.
+That's the worst sin of all for some reason! What can I do to make things right?
+You can help me take out those cameras.
+Neighbor, we've got some work to do.
+So, sadly, the most popular reality show in England is no more.
+I'll miss that Ralph Wiggum. Reminds me of my boy.
+Oh, mummy -- my cat's breath smells like cat food.
+Springfield, U.S.A. A town where everyone's got a story. I moved here 'cause on a calculator, the zip code spells "boobs."
+It's a town filled with winners...and Skinners.
+Why couldn't you have died instead of the car?
+But everybody comes to Moe's.
+Moe's Tavern, presided over by Moe Szyslak -- handsome, suave, debonair...
+His kneeeeeee.
+Hey, get the camera offa me -- I'm narratin' here!
+Anyway, here's my little tale. As the town's bartender, I know everyone's problems. And everyone's got problems -- especially the married ones.
+Be they bible-thumper...
+Timothy! I finished saying my prayers...
+Not now, Helen. Today's the day I paint moustaches on my Pullman Porters.
+...or jerky jockey.
+GO TO SLEEP / SLEEPY HEAD / MAY A CLOUD BE YOUR...
+Where did we get this dreck?
+Typical. Here's the kind of lullaby my sweet mother sang to me:
+Why do you always change it to "Sanskrit 93.7: The Dot?"
+I like Rajiv, Rubaba and the Big Brahmin in the morning! No caste is safe from their merry japes!
+Having a Ma-hot-ma or Man-not-ma contest is not a jape! It is sexist sacrilege! I hate that channel!
+But you have so much in common with them: nonstop chatter during drive time!
+Take it back.
+I take it back.
+And now you're probably wondering, what's this all building to?
+It's a timeless tale of the... hello! Are you seein' what I'm seein' here? Ooh! This omniscient point of view has got some surprising bonuses! Yeah.
+No, no, no, no. What the hell was I talking about?
+Oh yeah! It was just before Mothers' Day...
+I destroyed my body to give birth to you!
+One of our wives is leaving us for Moe?!
+Moe's leaving town?!
+That's right. She touched his knee.
+Kids, this Mother's Day, why don't you give your mom what she really wants: a break from you! Have your dads take all you annoying kids on a Krusty Krustival Kruiseline Day-Kruise to historic Weasel Island, one of America's ten roundest islands!
+Explore a dark, dark weasel cave!
+Tour the historic Civil War prison, and picnic where the bodies were once stacked like cordwood.
+Plus some kind of amusement park!
+Warning, you may not be amused.
+You guys should go on that cruise. You'll have a great time, and you kids can spend the day getting to know your father...
+I like beer, hot dogs, and long blackouts on the beach.
+And I can spend my Mother's Day taking care of something I've been putting off for a long time.
+Cleaning the gutters?
+That's something you've been putting off.
+Cartoons! Everybody be quiet!
+So, Marge, what were we talking about?
+Why do I waste my breath?
+Sorry, honey. I wasn't listening. And I won't be listening now.
+Hey Homer, what do you think Mom meant by "taking care of something?"
+Son, I'm a bit of an expert on the female gender, and I can tell you: women don't mean anything by anything.
+Dad! That's a dangerous attitude for you to take towards your wife.
+I hear what you're saying, Lisa -- nothing.
+Into the playpen, sweetie. And if you get hungry, there's lobster!
+Special delivery letter for Misters Simpson, Lovejoy and Nahasapeemapetilon!
+It's from Moe!
+"Dear friends, I have some news that is doubly sad -- first off, I am leaving town forever. And my going away present? One of your wives is running off with me."
+Perhaps I should've told you in person. But there's no easy way to say goodbye forever. So I'll say it the hardest way I can: in Mandarin Chinese. Zai jian yong yuan!
+And now, as our teakettle starts to toot, I'm gonna take a little break. Boy, this voiceover thing is killin' me. Whatever that Don Pardo gets paid, it ain't enough.
+I make more than you can possibly imagine. And I'm making it right now.
+Where are you?
+Moe is running off with one of our wives?!
+Well, the stationery's legit. It's got the Moe watermark.
+So I guess the question is, which of our wives got Moe-jacked?
+Well, I will end the suspense with a simple cellular phone call to Manjula.
+No signal?!
+No battery?!
+I got Marge!
+Marge! Are you running off with Moe?!
+Homer? I'm-- you!
+You're losing me? Or you're leaving me?!
+We're breaking up!
+Aw dammit!
+Can't talk! Must text!
+Marge, have u left me 4...
+We needed that pole to hook the dock.
+Most of our cargo is explosives.
+You rebel scum make me sick! This is sweet justice for how you greybacks treated our boys at Andersonville!
+Hyaa! Hyaa!
+When there's cruelty involved, Bart sure knows his history.
+Well, if Moe were leaving with one of our wives, it wouldn't be my Helen. We just started a new jigsaw puzzle last week. We're still on the edges!
+I'm, uh, I'm sure you do.
+Well, Marge and I don't have any problems. We never even fight anymore.
+When a woman is peaceful and content, that means all hell is about to break loose!
+Think back, Homer. When did you first realize Marge was checked out like a Harry Potter book at the public library? Think back. Think back. Think back...
+Not that far back.
+Homer my Mother's party's starting any minute. Get busy.
+Moe, my in-laws are coming. I need something strong enough that I forget I hate them, but not so strong that I tell them I love them.
+Sorry Homer, I ain't servin' no liquor. Just "O'Glums" non-alcohol beer.
+Marge, this is crazy!
+This is my mother's eightieth birthday party and you're not ruining it. You'll have a good time. I invited a friend for you.
+Knock-a-doodle-you!
+Flanders?!
+Neighbor, Marge invited me over to be the little angel on your shoulder, so you wouldn't listen to the four hundred devils on the other.
+Hey, Chunky with the Pants of Meatballs.
+Take our picture.
+All right.
+I wasn't smiling!
+What the--
+I had something in my teeth.
+Why you--
+My eyes were shut.
+Lousy--
+My sweater's on backwards!
+He can't do anything right.
+Except setting off car alarms with his big fat footsteps.
+You take that back!
+Go ugly up someone else's house, you penis-curling she-devils!
+You got it. / We're not staying where we're not wanted.
+Every time I plan something that means something to me you somehow mess it up.
+I need some cash, man.
+"You will lose all your money." We'll see about that!
+One, please.
+You had that scar before you got on.
+What scar?
+Oh, you'll find out.
+...oh, man do I make the soup. My goodness do I make the soup.
+I'm doomed.
+Now, we don't know for sure it's your wife.
+It could be yours!
+Oh, no sir. My marriage is solid. Manjula would never cheat on me like I cheated on-- Hoo-boy.
+That's right. Now, was there ever a time when your wife might have found comfort in Moe's hairy arms? Think back, Apu. Think back, Apu.
+May we use your restroom to change our kids out of their cricket uniforms?
+We got caught in the rain because someone wouldn't use international short form rules.
+Calm down there, 'Pu and She-Pu. You can use the restroom.
+My one day off and it's miserable.
+This is my day everyday!
+You see this? I'm playing the world's smallest sitar for you.
+One-two-three-four-five-six... We are missing a tuplet!
+We must have left it at that godforsaken pub!
+How could you forget your own child?
+How could you forget your own child?!
+Oh, I can't believe I married you. What my grandfather saw in your grandfather, I will never know.
+Uh, hey 'Pu. I just want you to know that I got one of your kids here. This ain't a kidnapping thing, but if you're in the mood to give me a million dollars, that's cool. This should not be interpreted by federal agents as a threat. Once again, no threat, but will take the dough.
+Well, one of us has to go back to Moe's... maybe have a beer or two... shoot a game of pool, and if I win I have to play the challenger, such are the customs of billiards...
+What a great father, I say sarcastically!
+If only that mark on your forehead was an off-button!
+Hours later, she returned -- smelling of beer and pickled eggs. I know no more.
+Uh... I do.
+You do?! Tell me!
+I was there when your wife got to Moe's, being my usual effervescent self...
+Oh, thank you for saving my precious...Gheet!
+Sounds like you had a rough day.
+It's true.
+My eyes have more bags than the Darjeeling Limited.
+Yeah, that's probably a good one. Here, I got somethin' that might cheer ya up.
+I got this for women that came to the bar, and Low-Blow Boxing for the guys.
+My nards! My nards! My nards!
+So uh, would you like to cut one? I mean a rug. Oh God, I always say the wrong thing.
+You said you'd be home by seven to help with my mother's birthday!
+Then what happened?
+I don't know.
+Teacup? How'd that get in there? Question me, you little rutabaga brain, I'll take your eyeball and make soup out of it.
+What's so damn funny? I mean,
+Well, how can you be so sure your wife is not the putty in the bartender's hands?
+Yeah, Padre. How innocuous are your flashbacks?
+Well... I... uh...
+The ferry will be back in ten minutes. It'll take us home... to find out the truth.
+The truth...
+The roof...
+I'm still mad at you from last night.
+Today's the first, which means it was last month, which means you're being ridiculous.
+I'm glad we never argue like that.
+Yes, to argue, you have to actually talk to each other.
+Way to bitch up the conversation, Helen.
+Oh, Tim...as your spiritual advisor, I'm afraid you two have a b-b-b-big problem.
+Me and Helen? We're as happy as Adam and Eve before Eve munched us all to Hell.
+I'm gonna let you in on a little trick they taught us in Divinity School. Now take a look at Helen over there. She seems happy as a clam, am I right?
+Happier. Where a clam only has one pearl, she has many.
+Now don't you jive me, Tim. Just take your thumb and put it over her mouth.
+See? Looks like that she-cano is about to blow! KRAKATOA, EAST OF JAVA / NEVER SPEWED A HOTTER LAVA / THAN A MOUNT SAINT HELEN WHO'S MAD AT YOU!
+KILAUEA / OR YOU WILL PAY HER...
+Is the preacher here? 'Cause there's somethin' I gotta get offa my chest. Somethin' more suited for the town gossip than the minister's wife.
+Do tell.
+Uh... well, there's this uh, married woman that I have feelings for. And her husband don't realize how upset she is with him.
+Do I know her?
+Dad, I'm gonna need some help getting this off.
+Otto, you got to get us back to town!
+Oh, nobody told me I had to drive the bus back! I've mistimed some substances!
+Here it comes. The moment of truth.
+She's packing her bag!
+So it is you, Mr. Homer. But let's be honest -- a woman of her age married to a man of-- how old are you? Sixty-five?
+Thirty-nine.
+Dear God, this day gets more and more disturbing.
+Marge! No! Stop packing your--
+Painting supplies?!
+Grandma?!
+What do you think?
+You're not leaving me?
+My mother explained that what happened at the party wasn't your fault.
+It's that Patty and Selma. There's something evil about them. Did you know they smoked when I was pregnant?
+Oh Marge, you not leaving with Moe is the best thing that never happened to me.
+Okay Reverend, your place is next.
+Actually, Milhouse and I are next.
+Oh, there's no suspense at your place. Even I've hooked up with your old lady. Sorry, kid.
+You were my favorite uncle, Uncle Otto.
+Two tickets to Istanbul!
+That's right, Tim. I'm taking these bags, and I'm walking out that door! Meanwhile, you'll be setting the alarm. And then you'll join me in the cab.
+You're leaving... with me?
+Would you rather I bring someone else on the world's most romantic train?
+Oh, Helen!
+Is that a train in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
+And so it is me.
+I feel the pain of a thousand Squishee headaches.
+My worst fears confirmed.
+Apu, this man has come here to convince me to do something I never thought I would do... stay with you.
+You mean you are not leaving me for him?
+Don't be ridiculous. What am I, blind and noseless?
+Hey, hey, I'm right here.
+Believe me, I know. Apu, our marriage will never be easy. But nothing worth doing is ever easy.
+It is true. The tastiest ice cream is the hardest to scoop.
+But if you wrap something warm around it...
+Very nice. Well all's well that ends well, huh?
+Yes, except for... Why did you write that horrible letter?
+When I saw how much trouble your marriages were in...
+I knew I had to act fast.
+I got Marge's mother to go to Marge, convinced Helen to ride the rails of romance with the padre, then I bought some roadside corn, ate it raw, got a kernel in my teeth, flossed with the corn silk, and then I came over to fix things with Manjula.
+And I wrote that letter so you three chumps would realize that you have not been treatin' your wives the way they deserve. Think of it as a wakeup call from a man who ain't got nothin' but a blowup doll. And even she left me. Should not have used helium.
+Moe, I don't know whether to punch you or kiss you... so I'm gonna do both.
+So all you mugs out there, be sure you don't take for granted the woman you love. Oh, and it's Mother's Day, so call your ma.
+Take her down to the diner at the department store there. Get her a roast beef on rye. Oh, and make sure she gets a fruit cup on the side -- she's worth it.
+People of Springfield, this town is in the worst financial meltdown we've ever seen. No longer can we cook the books and fudge the numbers.
+This is serious. Pay attention!
+And so it is with regret I announce the following cost-cutting measures: eliminating dead animal pick-up...
+Dramatic cutbacks in our education budget...
+Good morning, children. Today we are instituting shortened school hours.
+How shortened?
+Take 'em home, Otto.
+...and we have released all low-level criminals from our prisons.
+Spit the grapes back in with the others.
+Homie, slow down!
+Why should I? The city's broke! They can't afford to enforce their precious laws!
+How fast were they goin', Lou?
+I don't know, Chief. We can't afford a radar gun. So we're just using a thermos on top of a hose handle.
+Well, it's better than my pistol.
+Hey, that Ralphie's getting' to be a pretty fine artist.
+I drew it.
+Another Springfield family moves to Detroit to find a better life.
+Now that it's empty, who's gonna buy their house? What if someone moves in with two Barts? Or four teenage Barts?
+Eh. At least they're learning their fractions.
+What's that delicious smell?
+Cookies!
+Stop that sniffing! It's not for you! They're making the house next door smell like cookies so people will subconsciously want to buy it.
+Oh come on. What kind of big fat moron would fall for...
+Cookies... so delicious... must buy house.
+Homer, no!
+Marge... get loan pre-approved... offer over asking... waive inspections... two-day escrow!
+...initial the radon disclosure... and done.
+Sorry, someone else has bought the house.
+But my loan has already been sold in pieces to banks, hedge funds, and municipalities across the globe!
+Death to Homer!
+At least we'll always have Beowulf!
+That's not us!
+Credenza, credenza, lowboy, sideboard, portmanteau...
+Mom, it's so superficial to judge our new neighbor based on his furniture. He drives a hybrid!
+He's got koi!
+And where there's exotic fish, there's gotta be a...
+Water feature...
+Dames. Well, I'm gonna go introduce myself Bart Simpson style.
+Yo. Bart Simpson. No doubt you read about me in your nuisance neighbor disclosure.
+Hello, Bart.
+Huh? Say that again.
+Hello, Bart.
+Hello, Bart.
+Hello, Bart.
+Sideshow Bob!
+Side-what-whom?
+Man, you're good with the tools when you want to be.
+Why on earth do you think that harmless-looking man...is Sideshow Bob?
+I know he doesn't look like him, but I'll never forget that voice!
+A lot of people sound like Sideshow Bob, like Frasier on "Cheers."
+Or Frasier on "Frasier."
+Or Lieutenant Commander Tom Dodge in "Down Periscope."
+Look, I'm telling you, no matter who he says he is, he's really Sideshow Bob!
+Honey, his name is Walt Warren, and he's a very nice man. He stopped me from driving away with my coffee cup on top of the car.
+Really? Hm. Maybe I...
+Sideshow Bob!
+Stupid kid, fooled by a silhouette.
+Ice cream!
+Nothing is ever boobs or ice cream.
+I'll prove I'm not crazy. Sideshow Bob could never resist singing along to a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta.
+Who am I again?
+Yum Yum. I'm Peep-bo.
+Mom! Dad! I got the lead!
+And a one, and a two, and a...
+THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL ARE WE. / PERT AS A SCHOOL GIRL, WELL CAN BE. / FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH A GIRLISH GLEE. / THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL!
+Uh-oh, Bart. Who will sing the next verse?
+We need a third maid. Maybe someone will step in and help.
+ONE LITTLE MAID IS A BRIDE, YUM YUM.
+TWO LITTLE MAIDS IN ATTENDANCE COME.
+THREE LITTLE MAIDS... THREE LITTLE MAIDS...
+THREE... LIT-TLE MAIDS...
+Sorry, gentlemen. I'm not a fan...of that particular style of music. My radio dial never strays from "89.4 - The Spur."
+It is a good station, Bart, what with the "Morning Cattle Drive" and Armadillo Mike in the afternoon. And nothing keeps me informed like "Rodeo Rick's News Roundup" every hour on the--
+Shut up.
+I just want to say I've not only found new neighbors but gained new friends. And from now on, Wi-Fi in this neighborhood is on me!
+Ooh, that book I ordered is gonna be delayed.
+All right, "Walt Warren," let's see who you really are.
+"Harmless World," "Mild Manners," "Not Mad Magazine," "Nap Fancy," "Calm," "Comfortable," a "Cuddly Puppies" calendar...
+Aww, the little guy can't get out of the pumpkin. There must be something here!
+Something, something, something!
+What are you doing?! You're indoors at an outdoor party!
+Walt is Sideshow Bob and I'm gonna prove it. Look!
+Who needs a knife this big?
+It's probably a de-boner.
+Boner. Mom, I'm scared!
+I can see there's only one way to settle this once and for all.
+Okay ma'am, Sideshow Bob's cell is all the way at the end. Walk fast and don't call attention to yourself.
+Pretty lady in a strapless dress comin' through!
+Oh yeah! / If you were my wife, I never woulda killed you...
+Thank you... you're very sweet...
+Nothin' is holdin' up the dress! Only her melons! And here we are.
+...Sideshow Bob.
+I can't see!
+Oh, here you go.
+That is Bob. Guess I was wrong.
+We better go.
+Pretty lady comin' back!
+C'mere, baby.
+Guys, guys, I'm married!
+Great day to be alive!
+The paper's here.
+Morning, Marge.
+Hope I didn't interrupt your petite dejeuner. Look, I feel terrible that Bart and I got off on the wrong foot, and I have an extra ticket to today's baseball game... Bart, care to come?
+They're playing Spokane...
+The Cascades?! They totally stole the Federal Cup from us last year! Can I go Mom? Can I?
+Is your room clean?
+Good. That'll give me something to do while you're at the game.
+Marge, the bathroom scale is lying again.
+All right, Sideshow. I'm gonna do to you what you shoulda done to my son a long time ago!
+I'm not Sideshow Bob! I'm the real Walt Warren!
+But that's impossible! If you're the real Walt Warren, who's taking our son to the baseball game right now?
+Uh, you missed the turn-off, Mr. Warren.
+You don't have to call me Mr. Warren anymore. You see, Bart, you were right all along.
+I am... Sideshow Bob!
+And now I am free to sing all the Gilbert and Sullivan I damn well please!
+BEHOLD THE LORD HIGH EXECUTIONER / A PERSONAGE OF NOBLE RANK AND TITLE...
+I'll prove I'm telling the truth! Bob has huge feet, right? Well, look!
+It's like you're a Chinese empress!
+You see, I was Bob's cellmate...
+...My new cellmate, Walt Warren, was the perfect candidate for my plan. He had the same build as me -- lacking only my regal bearing and leonine grace...
+--as a minor offender, he was scheduled for early release...
+Say, Bob, why do you keep measuring my face?
+Just passing the time, bunky.
+Well, I guess it beats what the last guy did. Well, nighty-night.
+And nighty-night to you.
+I began by removing Walt's face.
+Five-second rule!
+That was the easy part. The hard part was removing my own face.
+Luckily, as Krusty's sidekick, I'd been hit with so many pies that my face had lost all sensation.
+Or so I thought.
+The final reattachment was a mere bagatelle.
+Or so I thought.
+They returned Walt's possessions to me...
+Keys... cell phone... a hundred and forty-three thousand dollars.
+It was only twenty-seven thousand when you came in, but we invested it well.
+Would you like a commission?
+Not allowed.
+And I walked out free as a bird.
+I bought the house next to you, and here we are. So I just have to kill you, then sell the house. Selling the house will be murder.
+You could just rent it till the market recovers... which'll be never!
+Walt, why didn't you tell your story to the guards?
+Well, I tried to -- but I had trouble moving my new lips. They heard me babbling, thought I was crazy, and threw me into a padded cell.
+I tried to warn you by writing "Bart Simpson will die" on the walls, but you ignored me.
+You have to admit, "Bart Simpson Will Die" was kind of open to interpretation.
+I'm not a writer.
+And I'm not a locksmith!
+Man, that dude does not like Bart.
+I know where Bob's taking Bart!
+Another cup of coffee, handsome? It's on the house.
+That's kind of you, Joyce, but caffeine makes me jittery, and I have a task ahead of me which requires a firm hand.
+Ooo, I like a man with a firm hand. Hey, looks like you've got a loose thread on your collar.
+No, don't!
+My face! My beautiful borrowed face!
+Come back! I don't care if you don't have a face! I just need something warm to cuddle at night!
+Excuse me, have you seen this man?
+Yeah I've seen him. He... uh... said he was driving down to Mexico.
+Mexico! Andalé! Andalé! Arriba!
+I don't believe her -- I think she fell in love with my face and she's trying to throw us off the scent.
+Walt, it's a nice face, but I don't think it would drive a professional waitress to lie.
+Well, fine. You go to Mexico. I'm going to Five Corners.
+Hey, handsome. Is that a loose thread on your collar?
+All the good men are either gay or have no face.
+Welcome to Five Corners -- the only geographic location in the U.S. where five states meet, and where you will meet your doom.
+Come on, Bob, you don't need to kill me. I'll probably kill myself pretty soon with all the stupid things I do. Oh no, I swallowed my tongue.
+Yes... I would be a fool. Unless I did it here, where your murder will be unprosecutable.
+You know, the great ones can kill without explaining.
+I can stand in one state...fire a gun in a second state, the bullet will travel through the third, hitting you in the fourth, so you fall dead in the fifth.
+No single act is against any law. But their sum total is the greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore!
+I haven't gotten to that part yet!
+It's a four-year-old book!
+I'm a slow reader!
+A fitting epitaph. That means last words.
+Are you here to teach me or to kill me?
+What in the name of Malcolm Muggeridge are you doing?
+Ruining your plan -- if you shoot me while we're in the same state, you go to jail.
+Fine -- I'll just shoot you, and tell people I did the plan.
+Not today, Bob!
+See, Bob. Even you hate to see you.
+Now Bob, you just take my face off nice and easy and kick it over here.
+There's a bee under my cheek!
+Hey! Hey no!
+Help us! Help us, for the love of God! Won't somebody help us?!
+Uh yes, I'd like... um... how do you say taco in Mexican?
+Yes, that's exactly the word I want to translate.
+Homer, can we please find Bart?
+Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Uh, just give me one of those crispy shells with meat in it.
+Walt, because I like your face, I'll let you decide which state I kill you in.
+Okay -- Hawaii.
+Choosing privilege revoked!
+Hold it right there, Switches of Eastface!
+Switches of Eastface?
+I don't want to censor myself, that's how creativity dies.
+Blasted Wiggum! How did you find us?
+Y'see, Bob, Bart was never convinced you were Walt.
+So before he left for the game, he called us and warned us to track you.
+Which we were able to do through the dashboard of your car, which like all hybrids, is secretly monitored by the government.
+Bravo, Chief... or should I say, Clancy.
+Yeah, tha-- Wait a minute, why so familiar?
+Because I'm afraid you don't have jurisdiction in this state.
+Welcome to my jurisdiction.
+You just go ahead and put your hands up there, mister.
+Oh! You got the right to remain silent over here! Oh!
+We're takin' you in. But first, we're gonna make a stop at the shore for some skee-ball and funnel cakes. Oh!
+Oh, Bart. I am so glad everything's okay.
+Well, not everything -- apparently someone switched your face with a butt.
+Well, whoever moves in, it can't be worse than having a murderer next door.
+Howdilly-dowdilly, next-door-oonies!
+Howdy, cousin Ted!
+Howdy do to you, cousin Ned! How are Roddy and Toddy?
+Flantastic times two! How are Connie and Bonnie?
+Dandy as candy, like every good Flandy!
+Glad to hear it, thank the Holy Spirit!
+Glad to say it, and now the girls will "yay" it!
+Stop! Stop! Stop!
+That is disgusting.
+Hang on, here's a spot that still looks good.
+So, do we have a winner?
+Hmmmm. Not ugly enough. I want something that looks like this...had a baby with this...and it got sat on by this.
+I think I've come up with the answer.
+Oh my God.
+You never fail to nauseate me, boy.
+Just call me Barf Simpson.
+I wanted to, but your mother said kids might tease you.
+Half an hour to show time, your ugliness.
+Dad, do you realize we've put more time into this than all my schoolwork combined?
+But if we win this, we get a gift certificate.
+For what?
+It doesn't matter.
+How ya doin'? I need a diaper for my chimp, that won't upset my tiger's stomach if he eats the chimp.
+Fear not -- our chimp diapers have that nutty cinnamon taste tigers love.
+Mmm! It's a great time to be a tiger.
+Mr. Flanders, how did you make these amazing fish?
+Actually, God made some fish that were pretty close to these, so naturally we selected those for further breeding.
+So that "natural selection" was the origin of this species?
+Yup, that's exactly... Oh, you almost got me.
+Not on my watch!
+This seat taken?
+Uh yes, I'm saving it for... this soy sauce packet.
+Aw man, you know you're a loser when they don't even work hard on the excuse.
+I'll just sit here then.
+Thanks a lot, everyone. Choke on yourselves.
+Ah, here we go.
+Oh no you don't.
+Uh... that one's so ugly, it reminds me of my ex-wife!
+That one reminds me of her lawyer...
+Congress... elderly drivers... commercials... Bella Abzug...
+Hey clown, we've heard your stand-up, now how about some shut-up!
+Everybody's a comedian.
+Except you!
+Well, why don't you come up here and try to entertain 'em?
+Entertain us!
+Well, I guess I could... at least I get a chair...
+Check it out: two train wrecks connected by a strip of leather!
+I don't wanna say it's ugly, but PETA called and said we should kill this one.
+And now, owned by one of the ugliest families in Springfield... "Satan's Little Helper"!
+Whoa. Whoa! Even the Koreans wouldn't touch this dog!
+We have a winner!
+Ooo, everyone's coming over to congratulate us! Humble faces, kids!
+Humbler!
+Lisa, too humble.
+You're hilarious! / Judge my baby!
+Say something cruel about me!
+Would you do my kid's birthday party?
+Moe! Moe! Moe!
+Wow, they love me for my bile. And I got a spleenful! Hel-lo!
+No, no, no -- I don't need your fair-weather friendship.
+Is what I'll say tomorrow morning!
+Man, you sure saved that dog show.
+Moe, you were hilarious.
+I was just doin' what comes naturally to me -- being mean to animals.
+Excuse me, sir. I was wondering if you would judge an outrageous beard contest I'm in tonight.
+Well, anyone can get a laugh at the expense of an ugly dog. But crazy beards? That's where the big boys play.
+Can you make it sound like girls askin' me?
+Okay, you crazy dames. I'll do it!
+Which means this joint is closed for the night.
+Don't be that way.
+You can't close! I'll have to go home and drink better beer at half the price in natural lighting!
+I didn't want to have to do this...
+Yeah that's right! Scatter, ya cockroaches!
+Mr. Szyslak, would you like to buy some band candy?
+That doesn't work on me.
+Oh yeah? How 'bout this scary face?
+I can see that down deep is a decent man.
+You're home early!
+Oh, can't a guy rush home from work to see his beautiful--
+Moe's is closed, huh?
+Yeah. Now what am I supposed to do?
+We can enjoy each others' company.
+Still wanna be at Moe's?
+She's right, Homer. You're happier there.
+Mr. Szyslak, you want to buy some band candy?
+Even in the thought bubble I gotta buy band candy.
+Looks like you ate a Rastafarian and he's comin' back up on ya!
+Now looky here. I'm no judge of talent, but I am a judge of judging. And in my judge judgment, you have a talent for judging talent.
+You talk like my ass plays harmonica.
+You should share your hilarious hate with everyone.
+I didn't see you come in.
+Well, since Moe's is closed again, I thought I'd help you cook dinner.
+Well, I don't need much help...
+But you can keep me company.
+You know what? I'll just cook this later.
+What are we watching?
+Um, I'm gonna go read a book.
+After the title page it's Bob Dole's memoirs.
+This is terrible! I've seen better stitching on a baseball glove!
+Can I have another corpse?
+They weren't corpses!
+Moe Szyslak? I'm from U.C.A.A., the Uncreative Artists Agency. We represent some of the biggest stars on TV.
+TV, huh? That crap still on?
+Yes sir. Never been crappier. Listen, Moe, reality shows are looking for judges, and you're that mythical creature we thought we would never find: you're mean, you're funny and you're not British!
+I am so not British. Don't let this pasty face and bad teeth fool ya.
+Perfect.
+So, what kind of reality shows are we talkin' about here?
+Well, to name just a few: "America's Ripest Bananas," "So You Think You Can Judge?," "Who Wants to be a Welder?," "Poodle Versus Elephant..." "Leg Swap..." "Old People Try to Figure Out Computers," "American Idol," "Dancing With Cars of the Stars," "America's Drunkest Nobody," "Let's Make a Veal..."
+Love that show.
+Somali Pirate Apprentice...
+Right, yeah, with those guys.
+Fix Andy Dick...
+It's about time.
+..."Bottom Chef," "My Life On Kathy Griffin," "Pimp My Crypt," "Are You Fatter than A Fifth Grader," and "Grave Robbers of Orange County."
+Geez, that's quite a list.
+Hang on, I'm getting a text. Ooo, those were all just canceled, except for "American Idol."
+Did you just say "Armenian Idol?!" 'Cause that's my favorite show!
+No, no, no, no, no, no, American Idol.
+Oh, yeah. Who's their Egor Glumov?
+Randy Jackson.
+Ah yeah, good enough.
+Uh, hey driver, could you put on a song about California or Los Angeles?
+Ah they all suck. But here's a great one about Alabama!
+Now that I have all this free time, I thought I would do you a huge favor.
+That's nice. What kind of favor?
+I organized the kitchen. I labeled everything with a label maker...
+And I also mixed all the spices together into one super spice!
+Uh-oh. What kind of ventilating is that?
+Good day to you.
+Wow, Marge. I can't believe you're taking me to a sports bar.
+Well, it's been such a... blessing having you around the house, "making my life easier," as you so put it, so I thought you deserved a reward.
+Watchin' hockey! Watchin' 'em pass that puck! Oh yeah!
+Lacrosse, idiot.
+Hey man, can you settle a bet?
+What was the greatest X.F.L. team that never won a championship?
+Uh, the Long Island Ice Teas?
+I think you want the gay bar across the street.
+As an eight-year-old girl in twenty-first century America, I know how it is to feel insecure about your looks. But you've got so much going for you. I'd kill for your sense of smell... you have a nice firm handshake...
+And when you wag your tail, it really lights up a room.
+Now, let's scoot together.
+Wow, I can't believe I'm here. The place where magic is made.
+I really appreciate your showing me around, Simon.
+Always happy to help the newbies. And how do you like L.A.?
+Oh, it's a helluva city. It's like somebody stepped on New York and scraped it off on the beach.
+Clever... slightly nasty... very impressive. You know, I don't say this often, Moe -- but I actually think you're quite good at this.
+Oh, well, oh nuts. Here come the paparazzi.
+Homie! I thought you were at that sports bar.
+Well, that place was for diehard sports fans, not guys like me who are only fans when their team makes the playoffs. So, I decided to take apart the washing machine to see where that penny I left in my pants went.
+Well, I am glad you're spending more time with us, but maybe you should get a plumber to help you with that.
+In the mood for another round?
+Ah, those guys are all crooks. They charge you for parts and labor? Pick one, buddy! I can do this just fine by myself.
+Don't worry, I got it!
+Sure is hell to have your husband around all the time, ain't it?
+At least in Hell the heat still works.
+Well... I do know something that could occupy his time. A lot of his time. Seen it work with plenty of men my age. Only thing is... you may not get him back.
+What is it?
+Hey there, neighbor. You look as puffed up as a peacock in a...
+Golf it is.
+Golf what is?
+You wanted to see me, Simon?
+Moe, as you know, over the past few days I've grown rather fond of you.
+I can't believe you gave me your home phone number.
+That's not my home number. That's my assistant's work number. Now Moe, I want to give you a friendly warning -- don't do what I did. Don't become the mean judge.
+But it's brought you everything a man could want -- I bet you throw out your paper plates instead of reusing 'em till the food drops through.
+That's true. Everything you said is true. But there's a cost. I'm lonely, Moe. No one dares be my friend, for fear I'll say something nasty.
+But what we do is just kiddin' around, right? People know that.
+Do they? They've been preparing a bio of you, with interviews of people you've judged. Let's have a look.
+He's the meanest man in town.
+Uncouth.
+We hate you!
+So does Stu! Edit that so it rhymes with something.
+Wow. I can't believe this, Simon. Simon? Huh. Was he really here, or was it just my imagination?
+I'm here. My black tee shirt makes me blend into the shadows. I'm here...I'm gone. I'm here. I'm gone. I'm here. I'm gone. I'm here...
+I get it. I get it. That's your thing.
+HAPPY BIRTH-DAY TO... YOUUUUUU!
+This is it, Moe -- America's gonna learn just what sort of man you are.
+Okay Randy, what'd you think of that performance?
+A'ight, a'ight -- You know what? I was feelin' that, dog. "Happy" was very cool, right? But "birth" was definitely a little pitchy, but -- I gotta tell you something -- you worked it out on "day," man. And then when you hit that "to you" -- dude, that was the bomb! You blew out all the candles, baby!
+If you think that answer was a yes, text the number at the bottom of the screen. Giant secret charges may apply. Kara?
+I have to admit, I didn't think you could come back from last week, when your version of "Brown Sugar" made Mick Jagger retire from singing forever. But you rocked it!
+Ellen, what's your "ramble" on this?
+Ryan, I don't ramble anymore. Although I do love that song "Ramblin' Man" by the Allman Brothers. I used to think that they were the "Almond Brothers," which was cool, because I love nuts. Except for filberts, which is weird because I love Dilbert -- 'cause when you're stuck workin' in a cubicle, sometimes you just gotta dance!
+Now let's hear from the new guy, Moe Szyslak.
+Uh... well let's see here. Um...
+Don't become the mean judge.
+Mr. Cowell, would you like some band candy?
+Security!
+Uh, I'm afraid you're wasting your time on this stage...
+...because you should be on Broadway chargin' a hundred bucks a ticket! You're a natural talent!
+I'd just like to say this thing is worth nearly two million dollars. How do you like me now, Teen Choice Awards?
+I'm gettin' a little emotional here, because your voice, it opened up a little part of me that I thought was closed to truth and beauty forever. If there's a God, I just hope that right now he's votin' your name on that 8-8-8 line. It was, it was really beautiful. Really. Thank you.
+Okay, that's four thumbs-up. And finally, because this show now has more judges than the Supreme court... Simon, what do you say?
+Well, that was truly a remarkable version of "Happy Birthday." Because when it was done, I actually felt like I had lost a year of my life.
+But even more objectionable were Moe's insipid comments -- a desperate plea for affection, which fell as flat as the hair on my head.
+Why are you raggin' on me? I'm doin' just what you said.
+Hmm... let me think, why would I try to sabotage a new judge who just might do what I do for forty-eight million dollars less?
+Hey, hey, hey! I've been double-crossed here! You're pretty smart huh, Simon?! Let's see how smart you are with your voice box hangin' out!
+Label to camera! Label to camera!
+What?! Oh. I'm Sorry. Sorry.
+Die, ya bastard!
+Tees, scorecard, stubby little pencil... you're all set.
+Have fun, Homie.
+Looks like Jimmy's starting him off with a three-iron. Now, My first shot was with a three-iron. One shot, and I was hooked for life. Barely saw my family again. Birthdays, anniversaries -- I missed 'em all.
+I'm missing my daughter's wedding right now. Sweet guy, I'm told.
+One shot...
+Hooked for life...
+Marge! You ruined my shot!
+Well you can take another -- in forty years!
+That was awesome. I feel like the Tiger Woods of sex.
+...I didn't rip out his voice box, but I did stretch out his tee shirt, then they said I ain't allowed back in California no more and I can no longer make judgments about nothin'...
+Hey Moe, am I okay to drive?
+Legally, I can't say.
+To a drunk man that's a yes!
+Beep! Beep!
+He seems fine. There is one bright side: I'm also forbidden from ever watchin' Fox.
+You can't even show it in the bar?
+That's right -- and business has never been better.
+Oh hey, how's it goin' there, Mr. Murdoch?
+Never mind me -- put on the Jay Leno show.
+Have you seen this? The president says Iran has gotten hold of the most dangerous weapon known to man: the B.P. Oil rig. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I know how to make that leak disappear -- put it on NBC.
+It's four AM -- you kids should've been in bed a half hour ago!
+We're watching the Nobel Prize announcements, live from Stockholm!
+Oooh, the Nobies!
+For Economics...
+Jagdish Bhagwati!
+Huzzah! I had him in the pool!
+Quiet! It's time for the noblest Nobel Prize of all: the Peace Prize.
+I would kill for that.
+And the Nobel prize for peace goes to...
+Isn't this exciting?
+Krusty the Clown!
+And now to comment on joining the ranks of Martin Luther King, Gandhi, and Desmond Tutu, here's the man who always parks in my spot, Krusty the Clown.
+Kent Brockman. Channel Six. And Channel Six dot com! Will you be flying to Norway to accept the prize?
+I'm looking forward to visiting the arctic circle, or as I call it, my wife's side of the bed. For the purposes of that joke, I'm married.
+Hey you, Big Chief Laugh-At-Crap. Meet me in my limo in five minutes.
+Arctic Circle! I just got that!
+All right, all right, settle down. Homer, you're the easiest laugh I know.
+How easy am I?
+Shut up. I'm gonna need you in the audience when I accept the Peace Prize in Oslo.
+Can my son come too? He knows what to do when I swallow my tongue.
+Eh, why not?
+THEY FIGHT AND BITE / THEY FIGHT! AND BITE AND FIGHT / FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! / BITE! BITE! BITE! / THE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY SHOW!
+They fight and bite? I never go to Europe without learning something.
+Now listen, I need you two to hold these for me.
+Your drugs put me to sleep... Your drugs wake me up. If I ask you to give me more, you say no. If I ask you again, you give 'em to me.
+Why aren't I going to Oslo? The Nobel Prizes are my freakin' thing! But no -- Bart gets everything because he's the oldest and he's a boy. And Maggie gets what's ever left over because she's the youngest and she's a baby. Meanwhile, I'll just stand and wave to people going to better places.
+Would half a bottle of confiscated water cheer ya up?
+Ew, no thanks.
+Quite the little princess, ain't she?
+I'm just gonna chill out with a little "This American Life."
+Uh, that's not really a heckle.
+Thank you
+I'm Ira Glass. Remember when you were five years old, putting ketchup on your hot dog? Today in five acts, condiments. Act one, mustard. Act two, mayo. Act three, relish. Act four, corn relish.
+Mom, this isn't the way home.
+Maybe we're not going home right away.
+Oh I get it. They go to Oslo, we get some ice cream.
+Well, you could get some ice cream, or...spend a week at performing arts camp!
+Whoops -- didn't time that quite right.
+Oh my God! Mom! Thank you! I just need my...
+Did you really think I'd forget? Now have a great time!
+Victory for the middle child!
+Aw, you think I forgot you? Babies shouldn't jump to conclusions!
+Hello? Hello?
+I... I LOVE THE ELEGANT PEARLS YOU WEAR...
+AND THE STARFISH SHAPE THAT CONSTITUTES YOUR HAIR...
+YOU'LL... BE STAYING IN CABIN TWELVE...
+AND WE THINK THAT YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY THERE.
+YOU'RE GONNA LIKE ARTS CAMP LISA / MARGE PAID WITH HER DEBIT VISA /
+ARTS ARTS ARTS EDUCATION...
+Knock-knock.
+Lisa, I'm Kurt, and this is Ethan.
+We're the counselors slash musical directors slash community outreach liaisons slash counselors.
+You said counselors twice.
+We do a lot of counseling.
+We don't do twice as much counseling.
+Well, don't question me in front of the children.
+She can't hear us. We're stage whispering.
+I can hear you.
+No, you can't.
+Okay, Lisa, let's get your camp tee shirt. ALL OUR CAMP TEE SHIRTS ARE MEDIUM, WELL I HOPE YOU WEAR MEDIUM, GIRL... HUH!
+We should also find you a meal plan. MEAL-PLAN LADY / PLAN MY MEALS, BABY...
+Do you guys always do that?
+DO WHAT?
+Sing what you just said, then play a little guitar riff.
+NO, WE DON'T DO THAT.
+WE NEVER DO THAT.
+WELL, WE SOMETIMES DO THAT.
+BUT VERY INFREQUENTLY, LADY.
+How 'bout that airline food, huh?! They should've called it chicken cordon blecch!
+Another good one...
+Huh? Wait a minute, this doesn't look like Oslo. Where are the wood-stave churches? Historic Akershus Fortress?
+You are NOT in Oslo. You are in Holland... specifically, The Hague!
+Did you say a Hague?
+I said The Hague.
+What's goin' on? Where's my Nobel Prize?
+There is no prize. It was merely a ruse to get you to Europe, so we could try you for the terrible crimes you've committed on this continent!
+It was all a setup! You gotta read me the charges.
+You dropped a monkey from the Eiffel Tower...
+Uh-huh.
+In Greece, you committed something called "aggravated hey-hey..."
+Forgot about that one.
+And here in Holland you stole the entire act of our beloved clown "Van Kruüsten".
+U bestolen al mijn jokenchortles!
+Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
+One of the most important skills a performer can learn is dealing with hecklers.
+And... action.
+Top of the evening, Officer Krupke.
+Your dog's dead!
+Right, yeah, right. I've seen more life in the Wellington Botanic Gardens!
+Now that is a heckle, but if you're not from New Zealand it loses some of its sting.
+How much?
+Well most of it.
+Do you think they won't know the reference?
+If they did know the gardens, then they would know they're teeming with life.
+So what do you guys do when you're not camp counselors?
+We're highly successful artists. And as artists, we live in Springfield's most artistic borough...
+Sprooklyn.
+We spend our days acting and painting...
+Dancing and sculpting...
+Playing my Gibson.
+Rehearsing my Ibsen.
+Because you see, young artists...
+ARTISTS ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HOLD UP A MIRROR.
+ARTISTS MAKE SOCIETY SEE ITS FAULTS CLEARER.
+ARTISTS HELP STAMP OUT OPPRESSION AND WARS.
+AND WHEN WE CAMP OUTDOORS...
+WE MAKE THE BEST S'MORES.
+THREE LAYERS, MOTHER NATURE. YEAH, YEAH.
+ARTISTS END POVERTY WITH MUSIC AND DANCE.
+ARTISTS MAKE ART ON THE BEACHES OF FRANCE.
+I NEVER KNEW ARTISTS WERE ALL SO AMAZING!
+EXCUSE ME WHILE I TALK TO THIS COW THAT IS GRAZING.
+I give art like you give milk.
+EVERYONE LISTENS WHEN ARTISTS ARE TALKING.
+CAUSE ARTISTS ARE SMARTER THAN MR. STEPHEN HAWKING.
+OH YEAH. BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME, FELLAS.
+A BRIEF HISTORY OF RHYME.
+DO YOU THINK THAT I COULD BE AN ARTIST IN THE CITY?
+HOLD ON LISA, LET ME CHECK WITH THE COMMITTEE.
+So what do you guys think?
+I agree.
+YES, LISA, YOU COULD BE AN ARTIST IN THE WORLD / SO MOVE TO THE CITY WHEN YOU'RE LESS ITTY-BITTY GIRL! / TO THE GRITTY CITY WHEN YOU'RE LESS ITTY-BITTY, GIRL! / THE CITY'S PRETTY GRITTY FOR AN ITY-BITTY, PRETTY GIRL!
+I am really, really sorry for everything I've been charged with and all the stuff you don't know about yet.
+There is only one possible way to earn your freedom.
+Oh, I get it.
+Everyone's windmill needs a new blade now and then, right?
+No! Our windmills are the envy of the world.
+To win exoneration, you must prove that you have made a singular contribution to Western culture.
+Western, huh? Did you ever see my "Wyatt Burp" sketch? Everyone on my payroll says it's great.
+I am not familiar with this Wyatt Burp.
+Then let me do my "Dutch oven" bit. It's about other Dutchmen, not you.
+Those clouds look like a casting director saying "you've got the part."
+That cloud looks like legendary Broadway lyricist Betty Comden.
+I finally found the place I belong.
+Your week's up! Time to go home!
+It can't be Saturday already! Monday was orientation. Tuesday we did mime.
+Wednesday we did "Mame."
+Thursday we got attacked by bees.
+Friday morning Andrew Lloyd Weber and Elaine Stritch helped us make wallets.
+Friday evening we performed "Angels In America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes." Part one: Millennium Approaches...
+Part two...
+Perestroika?
+That's right! Strike the set, pizza party...
+Saturday morning, and then... noooo!
+Goodbye, Lisa! I'll miss you a lot, then a little, then not too much!
+Lisa, do you have to leave this minute?
+No time! I don't wanna get stuck behind the joggers from the fat camp.
+I can't go home. Something happened this week that completely changed me!
+You didn't see a boy lose his swim trunks, did you?
+No! I fell in love with theater, dance, and song!
+We've got plenty of songs in the car, by Maggie's favorite singer: Roofi!
+BRUSH YOUR TEETH / COMB YOUR HAIR / HAVE AN APPLE / OR A PEAR
+Bup-up-up! Safety locks!
+BRUSH YOUR TEETH / COMB YOUR HAIR / HAVE AN APPLE / OR A PEAR...
+BRUSH YOUR TEETH / COMB YOUR HAIR / HAVE AN APPLE / OR A PEAR...
+BRUSH YOUR TEETH / COMB YOUR HAIR / HAVE AN APPLE / OR A--
+Whatsamatter, Lisa? You're usually the first one outta this death trap.
+Well, the combination of me leaving arts camp and you driving on and off the shoulder has made me a little ill.
+Sorry. I guess I shouldn't be playing this driving game while I'm driving.
+Okay, maybe it won't be that bad.
+Hey Lisa, how was farts camp?
+Arts camp was lovely.
+Did you paint a picture on toilet paper?
+Lisa Simpson! Please stick to the illegally Xeroxed sheet music.
+But arts camp encouraged us to spread our wings and fly.
+Lisa... I went to arts camp too. And all it does is fill your coconut with banana-cream dreams that can never come true.
+How do you cope?
+Vanilla Wafers, plum wine and take it from the top! MY COUNTRY TIS OF THEE / MY JOB IS MISERY / LIFE DISAPPOINTED ME / I'M FIF-TY-THREE...
+We gotta find a clip that proves Krusty's made a cultural contribution.
+Let's see what we've got here. Krusty drunk on "The Tonight Show," Krusty drunk on "The Today Show," Krusty confesses to self-mutilation on Match Game P.M., "Krusty Trips The Pope," "Krusty Vomits In Baby Carriage", "Krusty Uses Child As Shield", "Krusty Celebrity Poker Freak-Out", "Krusty Super Bowl Nip Slip" Ah, here we are, "Krusty On "The Electric Company."
+Top to bottom, left to right, readin' things is outta sight.
+Speaking of out of sight, you've gotta hide me. I slept with the lighting director's wife. And--
+No appetite, honey?
+It's just... dinner conversation at arts camp was a bit more stimulating. One night we spoke only in lines from famous poems.
+Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me.
+Emily Dickinson.
+No, I was just describing my day.
+If you need me, I'll be upstairs saying goodbye to my dreams.
+My dream is to be able to walk up stairs like an eight-year-old girl!
+Maggie, your big sister is leaving for a more artistic life. I'll send for you when I'm famous. We'll take the town by storm like the Brontë sisters.
+Oh Maggie, don't ever turn two.
+Lisa Simpson! What are you doing here?
+I came to share in the esteem that the world bestows on its artists.
+Uh, yeah.
+Sure is cold in here.
+No heat. It's, uh, part of our art.
+More art.
+Ethan, look what I stole from work!
+Tomatoes? What kind of artists are you?
+Sandwich artists.
+But we get to eat any sandwiches we drop on the floor.
+Unless we drop them on purpose.
+They've got cameras on us at all times.
+Are you saying arts camp was a lie?
+Well, not the swimming.
+Look Lisa, I think it's time we sang you the truth:
+ARTISTS ARE THE LEAST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD! / SO WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T BE AN ARTIST, GIRL.
+ARTISTS MAKE A LIVING, DRESSING UP LIKE A FALAFEL.
+ARTISTS SHED A TEAR WHEN THEY'RE CALLED SOMETHING AWFUL.
+You ain't no falafel!
+ARTISTS SIT IN JAIL, ON A LIFETIME HITCH...
+THE ONLY WAY OUT IS BECOME A PRISON SNITCH.
+Oh why did I sing that out loud?
+WHAT I DON'T GET IS, WHY ALL THE LIES?
+WE WANTED YOU TO THINK WE WERE HAPPENING GUYS.
+Well, philosophically we're happening in the sense that we exist.
+Not for long, if we don't drop more sandwiches.
+Herschel Krustofsky, you stand accused of the most heinous crimes known to clowndom. Have you anything to say in your defense?
+I'm sorry, your honor. I've led a worthless life. I've been this way since I was a little... squirt!
+Eh? Eh? Come on, I thought you Euro-jerks loved unfunny comedy.
+We don't put "Euro" in front of everything. Euro-guards! Take him away in Euro-cuffs!
+Wait! Not so fast! We found something to save Krusty.
+And it's on this DVD!
+Is it Region One or Region Two?
+Uh, what region is America?
+Region One.
+Woo hoo! We're Region One! We're Region One!
+Well, this is Region Two. So I'm afraid your exculpatory evidence will produce nothing more than an error message stating "unreadable disc".
+If it please the court, my brother has a multi-region player. I just pray he's not on a state-mandated five-week vacation...
+Get this back to me by six. I'm having a "Real Housewives of Atlanta" season two party.
+My dressing room has regular potato chips! But my contract specifically stated half regular, half ruffled!
+Krusty, please...
+Forget it! Forget it! The gig's off! I ain't gonna play Sun City!
+Vuvuzela me out of here!
+Three days later, South Africa freed Nelson Mandela from prison.
+Krusty the Clown, your selfishness has saved the world. Case dismissed!
+I'm just glad you all finally saw what an amazing human being I am. Now, where's the nearest place I can score a little victory weed?
+That would be the courthouse cafeteria. I'll be right there -- order me um, a raspberry crepe and a brick of hash.
+How do you smoke it?
+I melt it and inject it into my eyelid.
+Hey, you're all right.
+PLAYING GUITARS / IT'S HARD TO SING WHILE PLAYING...
+...GUITARS.
+What's she doing with her hands?
+It's called "applause."
+I'm not sure I like it.
+Lisa? Are you in here?
+Mom! Take me home!
+Hi, I'm Moe. It's good that little kid left, 'cause this song is gonna get into a very dark area.
+Goodbye, guys. I'll try again when I'm older...
+Remember us for our exaggerations, not our reality!
+And we gave you a little surprise for your trip back.
+Is it your laundry?
+Okay, two surprises.
+In a way, I think we learned more from her than she did from us.
+Yeah, well obviously, because we taught her nothing.
+Lisa, look!
+Thanks, guys!
+How did we get way up here? Weren't we just back there?
+The magic of art.
+Sorry we're late.
+Nice one.
+IT'S HARD TO SING WHILE PLAYING... GUITARS.
+ARTISTS ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HOLD UP A MIRROR.
+ARTISTS MAKE SOCIETY SEE ITS FAULTS CLEARER.
+ARTISTS HELP STAMP OUT OPPRESSION AND WARS.
+AND WHEN WE CAMP OUTDOORS...
+WE MAKE THE BEST S'MORES.
+THREE LAYERS, MOTHER NATURE. YEAH, YEAH.
+ARTISTS END POVERTY WITH MUSIC AND DANCE.
+ARTISTS MAKE ART ON THE BEACHES OF FRANCE.
+I NEVER KNEW ARTISTS WERE ALL SO AMAZING!
+EXCUSE ME WHILE I TALK TO THIS COW THAT IS GRAZING. / I give art like you give milk.
+DO YOU THINK THAT I COULD BE AN ARTIST IN THE CITY?
+HOLD ON LISA, LET ME CHECK WITH THE COMMITTEE.
+YES, LISA, YOU CAN BE AN ARTIST IN THE WORLD / SO MOVE TO THE CITY WHEN YOU'RE LESS ITTY-BITTY GIRL! / TO THE GRITTY CITY WHEN YOU'RE LESS ITTY-BITTY, GIRL! /
+I thought we were going to breakfast.
+First we're visiting Grampa.
+No fair! We just went to church!
+Yeah, so we've already heard stories from thousands of years ago, about stuff that didn't happen.
+I have an important announcement to make. I've had a lot of time to think since my hands got too shaky to play cards...
+It's not your fault, Grampa. These cards are too slippery. See?
+Dammit.
+Anywhen, I've decided to give you all your inheritance now.
+Are you sure about that, Grampa?
+I just want to see the look on your faces when I share with you the fruits of a lifetime of labor.
+Fifty bucks each?! That's your life savings?!
+This won't even cover the vig on what I owe!
+I lost the rest investing in a Broadway musical based on the real life story of Eddie Gaedel, the midget who had one big league at-bat.
+I even wrote a song for American League president Will Harridge!
+WHAT DO I DO / WITH THIS DAMN LITTLE MAN / HIS STRIKE ZONE'S THE SIZE / OF A TUNA FISH CAN!
+HIS STRIKE ZONE'S THE SIZE / OF A TUNA FISH CAN...
+Now remember what Grampa said: you can spend the money any way you want.
+I just paid some loser fifty bucks to walk up the down escalator all day.
+I bet it's eleven o'clock. I bet it's eleven o'clock. Nine fifteen?!
+Why is this happening?
+Hm, I think I'll look for a new handbag...
+Ooo, so many celebrities have their own label: Princess Penelope, Booberella, The Real Housewives of Ogdenville, even Scratchy.
+Ooo, I wonder how much that one is. Gotta look without looking like I'm looking.
+I'd like this bag, please!
+Marge Simpson! Are you buying a Marc Fredericks signature handbag?
+Why wouldn't I?
+Well... those bags are pretty pricey.
+Hey, my husband makes good money, and we can certainly afford...
+That'll be five hundred dollars.
+Oh, I didn't realize...
+What's the matter, Marge? Just remembered your husband's not a doctor?
+Oh my God you are so burned.
+I'll take it!
+Well done, Marge. If you're looking for a bag hag, I'm your man. Okay?
+But stay on my good side, girlfriend.
+Uh-oh-ohhh.
+Five hundred dollars? That's, like, ten dead Grampas! Some of us stuck to our limit, Marge. And I would've loved to rent this carpet cleaner another day!
+Is that the cat in there?!
+Well, it's a cat -- I'm not sure it's the cat.
+Don't worry, Homer -- I'll return the handbag first thing tomorrow.
+You know what, honey? Just because we can't afford to keep that handbag, doesn't mean that you two can't have one night at the most glamorous place in town.
+Right this way.
+Well at least it's a good place to see celebrities.
+It's not what you think. I'm researching a movie where I play myself.
+Wait a minute -- is that bag Marc Fredericks?
+You know, a much nicer table just opened up!
+After Bart, that bag's the best mistake we ever made.
+I'm gonna go uh, study the menu.
+So I want to honor Grampa by giving my inheritance to charity. But which one?
+Ooh, what's this?
+Most banks are for the haves, not the have-nots.
+I'm sorry, but we simply can't accept your collateral.
+I am just a goat, but even I know that a peasant in an emerging economy can't get a break. She needs a microloan.
+A guilty first-worlder lends fifty dollars or more to the Microloan Bank, who uses it to help my owner finance her business.
+Working together, we can help people help themselves! And now, apparently I am a girl.
+Come on, Marge -- let's hit the buffet.
+You go ahead, I'll stay here. If I get something on this handbag, I won't be able to return it.
+Oh, you don't want to wait for that buffet -- Wiggum's making his move!
+I need backup, Lou.
+Get two plates and follow me.
+Chief, not now, I'm undercover.
+Oh, it's like that, huh? The minute you go undercover, you act like you don't know me. He'll turn on you too, Fat Tony -- you just wait.
+I suppose I should get something to eat.
+Thank God!
+I can take that for you.
+Homer! Take me home!
+Sure, sure!
+Let me just grab one more shrimp.
+Let me be frank: everyone thinks you're a wuss.
+Boy I bet that looked cool in super slow-motion. Too bad we saw it in regular motion.
+Yeah I got bigger problems, Chief.
+I'm in love with the don's daughter! But which me does she love?!
+Thank you so much for clicking on me. I am Muhammad Yunus, founder of the Grameen Bank, and, oh yeah, I'm also the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. To find an entrepreneur you want to lend to, click on my nose... if you can catch it.
+It's up here!
+Now down here! Too slow!
+Okay, I will hold still. No, I won't! Ha ha!
+Got it!
+Goodbye.
+Let's see, I could help someone in any impoverished area on earth. Bangladesh... Bolivia... East Springfield?!
+My name is Nelson Mandela Muntz...
+Nelson?!
+...And my dream is to make and market custom bicycles.
+Nelson! My dream is to make enough money so's I can get the rest of this tattoo removed.
+Sorry I wasted your time. No fool would take a chance on a loser like me.
+I will. I'll take a chance on you, Nelson Muntz.
+Nelson! I gotta take this computer to the pawn shop, so's we can get White Castle for your birthday.
+So Nelson, I see you started a small business.
+Yeah, some anonymous dude sent me fifty bucks. Probably someone cool like Famous Amos or Ba Ba Booey. And I'm gonna justify his faith in me.
+Well, whoever your mysterious donor is, he, or she, really wants you to succeed.
+Ding-dong!
+Ooh, your first customer. Be nice!
+Right. Nice. Good day, Mister Barf-breath.
+Dummyball.
+So, we'll change the pink to black, elevate the seat -- trust me, it's slimming -- and change this wicker basket to no basket. Do you like it?
+I love it!
+Wow, my first job. Tonight I'm having peanut butter and jelly. No more "PB or J" for me.
+Stay cool, Marge. Stay cool...
+I'd like to return this handbag. Unused.
+I believe this stranger!
+Well, here's your refund.
+Check and mate.
+Thank God! I will never do that again.
+Wait a minute, Marge. Don't you realize what just happened?
+You got to enjoy that bag for nothing! We can buy stuff we can't afford, temporarily own the hell out of it, and then indignantly bring it back for a full refund.
+Hide a sandwich in this hat. "Mary Poppins" myself to work with this umbrella.
+Homie, you know what happens when you push your luck...
+Yeah, the luck lasts longer! Thanks to the power of returns, this store is our closet!
+Ooh, a message from my small business person!
+Dear anonymous investor. Here is my update on my small business. I'm making money fist over face!
+Dingus! Great timing!
+Awesome! No way I can look nerdy on this bike.
+HOT CROSS BUNS / HOT CROSS BUNS / ONE A PENNY / TWO A PENNY / HOT CROSS BUNS...
+And, with the money I'm making...
+...I can treat my Mom the way she deserves!
+This place is so fancy, Nelson. The ketchup packets are made of glass.
+Ma, please, you're not at work.
+Come in. Come in. Don't wipe your feet.
+Whoa, look at all this stuff!
+Did you find a mouse head in your Cuppa-Soup?
+I wish. What the hell are you doing?!
+With this protective plastic overlay, I can't tell if I'm watching an old "Seinfeld" or an old "Old Christine."
+Now, everyone onto the hot tub.
+Come on on, the cardboard's fine.
+Hi, Nelson.
+Here again, huh, Lis? I guess now that I'm a success, you want to get back together with me. Dolph called it.
+No, but there is something I can't hold back any more. I'm your microfinance donor!
+You're L-Simpson-Jazzgirl? Oh my God. I owe you everything.
+Well, I didn't do this for thanks, but if you want to thank me, I can stand here and listen for as long as it takes.
+I'm sure you can.
+Lisa, if it weren't for you, I never would have achieved the kind of success... that has allowed me to quit school.
+You're quitting school?!
+Droppin' it like a melon off an overpass.
+But don't you know that people who don't go to college make three percent less than people who do?
+Lisa, thanks to you, and Nobel laureate Mohammad Yunus, I can do... this!
+Spelling, meet F-Y-R-E.
+Principal Skinner, I need to convince Nelson to come back to school.
+Seriously? Why? With Nelson gone, lunch money's finally making its way to the cafeteria. Nurples are returning to their natural, non-purple hue. Besides, I hear he's doing quite well with his bicycle pimpery.
+He is. He's paying people eleven dollars an hour to work for him.
+Eleven dollars an hour? That's night watchman money. Maybe I should have a chat with him.
+Which of these ties says "confidence?"
+Isn't that a Christmas tie?
+It's a conversation starter! Lisa, this conversation is over. It's not you I'm trying to impress, it's Nelson. I know he likes the sleeveless look...
+Skin-ner!
+Oh, oh, so you also heard about the eleven dollars an hour.
+I heard about it first.
+Yes, well, you see the thing about that is...
+Good afternoon. I'd like to return this merchandise. Wrong size, wrong color, not as pictured, and other reason please explain.
+Sir, this suitcase has an airline tag on it, these ping-pong balls have been served and volleyed, and this hot plate's still warm.
+Yes... uh... maybe I'll just come back during someone else's shift... Is Claire working today? She's a real sucker.
+Let me get my supervisor.
+Hello, Homer.
+How do you know my name?
+I'm Chris Hansen from "To Catch A Credit-Whore". We know you've been returning used items all over town.
+It's not what you think... I came here to warn them... yes, to warn them about, um...
+People like you?
+Yes! I mean no! I mean... You'll never get me!
+I have to sign a release so you can broadcast this, right?
+Initial there, and... Never!
+Can you tell me when this is gonna be on? I'm thinking of having a party.
+Lisa, why did you bring me here?
+Oh, I don't know. I thought one of these super-successful people might tell you how important it is to stay in school. Why look, it's Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook!
+Mr. Zuckerberg, I'm Lisa, and this is Nelson.
+S'up, Zuck?
+Fine. Here's exactly what you paid me.
+Mark Zuckerberg is... happy to meet new friends.
+That's great, Mr. Zuckerberg, but I was hoping you could tell us how education was instrumental to your success.
+Well, the truth is... I dropped out of Harvard.
+You did?
+Better earnin' than learnin'!
+Hell yeah! I'll get the best kind of degree... honorary, baby!
+Well, clearly, you're an exception.
+Am I, Lisa?
+Bill Gates -- dropout. Virgin Airlines' Richard Branson -- dropout.
+Didn't anybody here stay in school?
+I did! Graduated magna cum lade!
+There, you see?
+I'm afraid I haven't done too well for myself. But I can certainly appreciate the irony of it.
+So, how did everyone do with their fifty dollars?
+Well, I learned a valuable lesson about wanting more than I could afford.
+Marge, you couldn't have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat!
+I used Grampa's money to try to help someone in need. But it didn't go the way I expected.
+Aw sweetie, money can't change people. It can just help them be who they are. I gave a bum a dollar once and he used it to buy an Ellery Queen mystery. But there was one mystery Ellery Queen couldn't solve: why a man was named Ellery. But my point is, whatever I said before I started talking about Ellery Queen.
+Nelson, I just wanted to say that I realize now you can't be anyone else other than who you are, and...
+Look, everyone. Just chill out!
+My "Wizard of Oz" bike fell apart! In the middle of the Pride parade!
+What kind of pride?
+Never-you-mind what kind! Fix my bike!
+I want my money back!
+This epoxy you've been using is water soluble.
+Which means that it's not weather-resistant.
+Dumb it down for me.
+Uh... bike, sticky, water go bye-bye?
+Some sticky water stay-stay?
+All bye-bye.
+Hi, Nelson.
+Lisa, I've been thinking and...
+It fell apart when I was trying to impress this cute girl... my gramma!
+...Maybe I could use a little more school.
+You can't break us up. We're like a family here.
+Kearney and I are having brunch on Sunday.
+If I'm up.
+Listen, what say we go back to the school? I'll help you out with a little micro-financing of my own.
+Fifty dollars! I can buy paint for the art class instead of crushed-up berries I find in the woods!
+And Lisa, I've got a little left that I'd like to spend on you.
+This is really fun. But we're still just friends, right?
+Right. Friends.
+Can I hold your hand... for balance?
+Sure... for balance.
+Haw haw.
+Haw haw.
+Mark Zuckerberg is...
+Haw haw.
+Whoa! She's everything I want to be!
+What's a babe like her doing with a brown banana like Skinner?
+Maybe she's one of those sexy school- supply company reps.
+If that's true, where's her suitcase with wheels, Bart? Where's her suitcase with wheels?!
+Ah, if it isn't Eavesdrop Ernie and the Listen-In Bunch! I'd like you boys to meet Dahlia Brinkley.
+She's the only Springfield Elementary alum ever to advance to the Ivy League!
+There's a car in the parking lot with a Yale sticker on it! It's gotta be you.
+I just graduated from Yale, and thought I'd pay a visit -- from Yale -- to the little school where it all began.
+I plan to attend an Ivy League school myself. I do have a 4.0 GPA.
+She can do the kind of math that has letters. Watch: what's "x," Lisa?
+Well, that depends.
+Sorry, she did it yesterday.
+I believe you. What else have you got?
+Um, I'm treasurer of the Jazz Club, and started the school's recycling society.
+Nice. And?
+Uh, that's it.
+Two clubs? Well that's a bridge bid, not an Ivy League application.
+But I'm only in second grade.
+By your age, I'd been the dominant force in dozens of extracurricular activities.
+Quite so! Just take a look at her yearbook.
+Wonderful year.
+Same year we got new playground sand.
+Yes it was.
+Mmm-hm.
+Thrust! Parry! Dodge! Poke!
+C'mon, Maggie. I need to get good at fencing so I can put it on my resume and get into Yale. Don't be scared. I won't hurt my widdle sister.
+Sweetie, you could still go to McGill -- the Harvard of Canada.
+Anything that's the something of the something isn't really the anything of anything!
+Hello, Flanders. Don't you have a neighbor on the other side?
+Indeedily-doodily I do, and I love him just as much as you! It's a Flanders sandwich with great neighbor bread!
+Bart, call me Walter Matthau, 'cause I'm a bad-news bearer. I'm resigning as manager of your Little League team.
+What? Why?
+In the last game, our shortstop hit a long foul ball, but the umpire called it a homerun... and I let it go without saying a word. I just don't like the monster I've become.
+But without a coach, we can't play!
+Homie, maybe you could do it.
+Sorry, Marge. The last time I stepped on a baseball field, I got tased.
+You know, someday these kids will be out of the house and you'll regret not spending more time with them.
+That's a problem for future Homer. Man, I don't envy that guy.
+Can't play baseball... what am I gonna do?
+Son, how would you like to spend the summer building wooden boats by hand with master craftsmen?
+How'd you like to kiss my ass?
+Look at me, I'm Whitey Ford!
+What's goin' on?
+We got a new coach!
+Awesome! Who is it?
+It's me!
+What, you can't stand the idea of a girl coaching a boys' baseball team?
+No, we can't stand the idea of someone who knows nothing about baseball coaching a baseball team.
+Hey, there have been plenty of female managers in baseball! Connie Mack, Sandy Alomar, Terry Francona, Pinky Higgins--
+Those are dudes!
+Really?... They sound like... I mean... well, the thing...
+Okay, bottom line: I need an extra-curricular activity, and no one else will coach you loveable losers.
+We're not losers. Last year we finished six and five.
+And we're not loveable. We had a tall freckled-faced kid on the team that we picked on till he quit.
+Hey Splatter-face! How's the weather up there?
+It's too bad 'cause he's a great hitter, but it's worth it.
+Look, if you want to play liability-insured baseball, I'm your only shot.
+Fine, you can be our coach.
+Thanks. You can be the free safety.
+Wrong sport.
+I mean the point guard.
+Also wrong.
+I'm gonna do a little research.
+A little's not gonna be enough, honey pie.
+Don't call me honey pie.
+You got it, tootsie pop.
+Get a room, you two.
+We're brother and sister.
+So are my parents, I think.
+Hey, Dad.
+Hey pal, howya doin'?
+Fine. I was hoping you and your friends could tell me something about baseball strategy.
+The only thing I know about strategy is that whatever the manager does, it's wrong, unless it works, in which case he's a button-pusher.
+I hate guys that just push buttons all day.
+You just push buttons all day.
+You know, ever since Obama came in, you've got all the answers, don't you?
+Does anyone here actually know anything about baseball?
+Uh, the guys in that booth down there.
+As a pitcher, Cliff Lee is clearly superior to Zack Grienke.
+Uh yes, I completely agree, with the following colossal exception: before the fourth inning after a road loss in a domed stadium. Then it's good to be Grienke. Unless he's got a bunion, in which case he is notably ineffective.
+Wow, I'm surprised you guys know so much about a sport.
+Hey, let's hold hands and skip inside!
+Oh Lisa, baseball is a game played by the dexterous but only understood by the Poin-dexterous. Do you understand what I laid out there?
+The key to understanding the game is sabermetrics.
+The field was developed by statistician Bill James...
+I made baseball as fun as doing your taxes!
+Using sabermetrics, even an eight-year-old girl can run a ballclub with the sagacity of a Stengel and the single-mindedness of a Steinbrenner. I call it a Stein-stengel-.
+Thanks, guys.
+Hey, speaking of stats, I'm none too pleased about your ratio of "seats occupied" to "beers ordered."
+You mean our SOBO? Let's calculate it now!
+What's the conversion factor for ginger beer?
+Refreshingness over effervescence.
+Plus or minus tang.
+Why did I advertise my drink specials in Scientific American?
+I can think of three reasons. First of all you...
+Shut up.
+So we're one-one in the third, and Isotot manager Lisa Simpson rearranges her defense one more time. I haven't see this many books in a dugout since Albert Einstein went canoeing.
+Everyone shift towards right!
+I caught a white apple!
+Okay, everyone study two-out situations, count management, and I'll be back with some gluten-free crackers.
+Your spreadsheets!
+My stupid sister's taken the fun out of baseball. What happened to stealing bases, the suicide squeeze, throwin' a little chin music?
+We're no longer cellar dwellers. Well, the team isn't.
+This isn't the game I grew up with, the game played in the misty ballparks of Enron Field, or Pac Bell, then S.B.C., now A. T. and T. Park. And from now on, I'm gonna play my game.
+Bart Simpson on deck, his bat's just hungering for a homer like Chronos for his children. Speaking of Homer, Bart's father's name is, you guessed it, not on my fact sheet.
+Bart, this guy's walked the last two batters, and if he walks you, we win the game. Don't swing at anything!
+But I'm on a hot streak.
+Hot streaks are a statistical illusion.
+I wish you were a statistical illusion.
+Well, there's a ninety-seven percent chance I'm not, so do what I say.
+Ball one!
+Ball two!
+Don't swing.
+I've ruined your favorite thing!
+Bart! Bart! Bart!
+You disobeyed your manager!
+So what? We won.
+Bart! Bart! Bart!
+Here's what: you're off the team! Get him outta here, boys.
+Conflicted, conflicted, conflicted.
+C'mon, guys. I had to get rid of Bart.
+But he socked a walk-off dinger!
+That dinger was a fluke! Not that I have to defend myself to you. Managers manage and players play.
+Do alligators alligate?
+I don't know... yes.
+I'm scared.
+Here's my uniform, since I won't be needing it any more!
+Woo hoo! Underpants dinner!
+No it's not!
+You know, Lis, I'm glad I'm not playing baseball anymore. I think I'm more interested in soccer!
+Cut it out! You're upsetting the gravy boat!
+I'll put a stop to this nonsense!
+Bless you.
+Lisa, can't you let your brother back on the team? Fly balls and fungoes come and go, but family is forever.
+Sorry Marge, I gotta call bullcrap on that. The '69 Mets will live on forever, but you think anyone cares about Ron Swoboda's wife and kids? Not me -- and, I assume, not Ron Swoboda!
+What about Bart's feelings?
+Boys don't have feelings, they have muscles.
+Why do you say such ridiculous things?
+They sound good in my brain, then my tongue makes not the words sound very good, formally.
+Mama Bear said 'I'm sure Sister Bear will come to her senses.'
+...Then Pete Rose plowed into his friend Ray Fosse...
+Brother Bear said "Sister Bear is inconsiderate."
+...dislocating Fosse's shoulder in a meaningless game...
+...He had earned the nickname "Charlie Hustle..."
+Excuse me! With all this racket, my boys can't get their sixteen hours sleep.
+...So because of your on-base percentage, Nelson, you're the new leadoff hitter. Questions?
+When's Bart coming back?
+He's not! He thought he was better than the laws of probability. Anyone else think he's better than the laws of probability?
+Well, you're not!
+With me here in the booth is brand new color commentator and former Isotots great, Bart Simpson! Bart, do you miss the game?
+No, no, no, no. I got a lot goin' on.
+I'm sure you do.
+Milhouse hits a frozen rope just past the diving shortstop...
+There's a play at the plate! He's... safe! And that's all she wrote! It's a triumph of number-crunching over the human spirit! And it's about time!
+Look, Dad! "Players and Coaches' Entrance!"
+Well, let's go to the bleachers. I brought an air horn and a megaphone.
+Testing...
+Actually, I'm taking you on a "special little guy super happy fun" day!
+Are you taking me to the dentist?
+You're not going to the dentist!
+Y'know Mom, after only seven hours in this amusement park, I'm finally enjoying myself. I'm actually starting to forget about...
+Lisa? She wants to talk to you.
+Hey Lis.
+I need you! Ralph can't play 'cause he's too juiced.
+I didn't know what I was putting into my body.
+Sorry sis, I've moved on, and my days of listening to my manager are over.
+Son, you should always listen to your manager.
+Mike Scioscia! Didn't you get radiation poisoning working at the Springfield Nuclear Plant?
+I sure did -- and it gave me super-managing powers! I also demagnetize credit cards.
+Bart, I have two pieces of advice. First, keep your arms in the damn car.
+Secondly, I don't care if your manager is your sister, Dick Drago's mustache, or Oscar Gamble's afro! A player should always listen to his skipper -- that's how I got these three World Series rings.
+Never mind that -- I'll win more. But you owe it to your sister, and the great game of baseball-- wacky face for the camera!
+...to go back and help your team. Now, who wants funnel cake?
+You got some great raw ingredients, kid. Open up your stance a little. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
+That's okay. You just didn't have it today.
+Not everything's baseball.
+Yes it is.
+What am I gonna do? I need a pinch-runner with speed!
+How about a benchwarmer who's afraid of puppets?
+Did someone order a happy ending?
+Now get out there a kick a field goal! Kidding!
+...and that's why anyone who invested with Lenny Dykstra really should call that number. Lawyers are standing by. Simpson on first... taking a big lead... oh, looks like he's gonna swipe the bag.
+No! No, don't steal!
+And there he goes!
+He's stealing third!...
+Okay, okay, he's stolen third. But surely that's the limit of his cockiness...
+I'm stealing home!
+No! The computer says it's statistically impossible!
+Bah! Computers! They'll never replace my Huffnagle autocollator!
+Crank it, Smithers! Crank it!
+It's, uh, seizing up, sir.
+Yes, well apply more goose grease!
+Stealing home. It's so impossible. It's against every sensible instinct... it's, it's...
+It's the most exciting play in baseball! Go, Bart!
+If he makes it, that's my son!
+Yer out!
+The Isotots lose! Now to begin my off-season job: follow-home robberies. I'll see you in the parking lot, but you won't see me, until it's too late.
+You stink!
+Did I make it?
+No. But you did do something. You made me love baseball. Not as a collection of numbers, but as an unpredictable, passionate game beaten in excitement only by every other sport.
+I guess your computer was right.
+Maybe it was, but according to my calculations, you're a great brother fifty-one percent of the time.
+And according to my gut, you're okay too.
+Can you put a number on it?
+Awww...
+Conflict resolved! Conflict resolved! Conflict resolved!
+Milhouse! Do we have enough points for a weapons upgrade?
+Yeah, we really racked 'em up eating all those elf babies.
+Nothing beats a weapon made of weapons!
+This is that videogame Reverend Lovejoy said you shouldn't play!
+Well, he's playing it right now.
+Slay the wounded!
+I still think it's too violent.
+It's a game. We're not hurtin' anybody.
+My non-lazy eye!
+These classic board games are fun and safe.
+My other eye!
+So which of these "bored lames" shall we play? Taffyland?
+Drops And Risers?
+Consternation?
+Ravenous Ravenous Rhinos?
+Mousecatch?
+Battleboat?
+Funopoly?
+Crate of Apes?
+Yahtzu?
+Tiddlywonks?
+Hey, I've never seen this one before.
+Satan's Path?
+Hey, it's gotta be good if Satan put his name on it.
+Here, I'll be the demon, you be the thimble.
+Oh, I'm always the thimble.
+...two.
+There was a bank error in my favor... ...and I'm spending it all on Oriental Avenue prostitutes!
+All the games came to life!
+I don't like the looks of that knight, Chief.
+Don't worry, we're safe. He's two steps away and one to the right.
+For me it's game, set and match.
+I think you mean "check, and mate."
+Just got crushed by a giant horse, Lou. You wanna cut me a break.
+Time to meet my mystery dude.
+Oh man, I'm never comin' down.
+Woo hoo! Another ladder!
+Ridin' high! Sinkin' low! Top of the heap! Down I go! On top for good! Oh, cruel hubris!
+How do we make this stop?
+Well, my Latin's a little rusty, but I think to get everything back in its box, you have to finish the game.
+And if we don't finish?
+You're gonna have to deal with more nonsense like that.
+Yahtzu.
+Here we go, back in the cup.
+At least the cup is lined with felt.
+Hey Mister Positive, shut the hell up.
+We'll be safe on this Battleboat.
+Set a course for B-7.
+They dunked our battleboat!
+I wish I could see my Mom one last time so I can say "this is all your fault"!
+Colonel Ketchup, I say it was you that killed him in the parlor with the letter opener.
+He was going to leave me. And I'm too old to find anyone else!
+C'mon, man, climb up!
+No, I might sink the letter. And Q is just too valuable.
+That blank can be any letter we want!
+Maybe I'm just tired of living.
+The final challenge! Mousecatch... a game so lame, no one's ever finished it!
+Crazy eights!
+Think Bart, think! What was that lesson I learned from videogames? Oh yeah, kill, kill, kill!
+There comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things!
+Sure is a hard way to catch a mouse.
+This stupid thing never works.
+That's it. From now on we'll just play hangman.
+Wait, wait! We still get one more letter!
+Is it... three?
+That's not a letter!
+Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
+Man, it's been a crazy morning. Champagne?
+Oh Homie, what a great idea to take a cruise in uncharted waters.
+Yeah, charts are for squares, baby.
+Whew, sure is hot out here...
+That's my cell phone.
+What is it? Lenny, I'm on a second honeymoon. You'll have to pick your own lotto numbers. Now, where were we?
+Oh baby. Let's give those seagulls something to squawk about.
+Oh yeah baby, I like it when you're distracted.
+Homie, help him up!
+Fine, I'll get the hook.
+Don't fight it... That's it... That's it, a little more... How's that?
+You're safe now, my friend.
+This poor man must've been out there for days!
+He's nothing but hard bronze muscle.
+O-kay, this guy's taken care of so, uh, you know...
+I'm not really in the mood anymore.
+Fine. I'm going for a walk.
+My name's Roger. I was the chef on the Albatross, working for a businessman taking his partners to Tahiti. One night, he asked for pie for dessert...
+As the pie cooled innocently on a porthole sill, my employer attempted to inject it with poison.
+But I caught him in the act.
+Unfortunately, he had the strength of ten businessmen. He sent me napward with a bottle of low-sodium soy sauce.
+Poor man. You've been through so much.
+Hey, I've had a hard trip too. One of the lenses fell out of my sunglasses.
+Oh, Roger! You really know what you're doing!
+No luck.
+Anyway, when I came to, everyone onboard was dead.
+I fled the horrific scene.
+And after days at sea, I found my savior: you, Marge.
+...And in a very insignificant way, you, Homer.
+God, it was horrible!
+Marge, can I have a word with you in private?
+I don't trust that guy. I bet he killed everyone on that boat himself.
+That's crazy talk!
+Excuse me...
+You've both been so kind to me, I baked you this pie.
+That is so sweet!
+Why do pie makers get all the girls?
+Why did you do that?
+It was poisoned.
+No it wasn't!
+Well, it was rhubarb.
+No, it was berry-peach!
+Berry-peach?! That's my favorite!
+Please! Homer, I am so sick of this unmotivated, jealous...
+The pie was poisoned. You were right! I guess we've got to kill him before he kills us.
+Well, we'd better do it quick. Because he's making scones!
+They should call this one "recipe for murder."
+What do you mean, this one?
+Never mind.
+Oh Roger, would you hand me the suntan oil?
+Ooh, got a text.
+Dear God. We just killed a man.
+Yeah, the decent thing to do is bury him at sea.
+Come 'n' get it barnacles!
+Roger was telling the truth!
+This proves nothing. Roger could've been the one that killed them!
+Soy sauce!
+Low sodium!
+Then... his story was true!
+We killed an innocent man. We're murderers! Murderers!
+Well, if it isn't my saviors.
+Hey pal, how ya been?
+Don't you "pal" me. Why did you try to kill me?!
+The pie you baked us killed that shark!
+The pie was clean! The shark died from the fuel leaking out of your boat.
+Oh goody. The monkey got a hold of a spear gun.
+Why did you do that?
+We had to kill him, or he'd tell people we tried to kill him.
+What the devil's going on here?
+You're alive?
+Yes, I suspected our host would poison us, so I gave everyone an antidote before dinner.
+Looks like you've got a flair for avoiding death.
+Oh, come on! Just a second...
+Bankers away!
+I repeat: no one will ever know.
+We'll know.
+Marge, what are you doing? That pie is poisoned!
+I can't live with the guilt.
+She just wanted to ride bikes through New England. But those seats hurt my ass!
+Ever wonder what she thinks about?
+Just sugarplums and buttercups.
+Hey, what's that weird look on all those girls' faces?
+It's something you've never seen: they're smitten.
+Oh I've seen it, especially when I do this.
+Well, he is cute. But I'm sure a boy like him would never say hello to me.
+I love your pallor.
+Why is there a steering wheel in my bedroom?
+How'd you do that?
+Oh, it's these cheap school buses, with their squishy metal. On another subject, you have beautiful eyes.
+They're just dots in circles.
+What? Me again?
+Come with me!
+You're a vampire! I should be scared, but I'm not.
+Let us move between the trees the way a bat does -- by jumping!
+Lisa's fallen for a vampire? That makes me so angry. I feel the change coming!
+Edmund's almost here, so PLEASE nobody be themselves!
+I know, I know. Don't serve garlic... don't stab your guest in the heart with a wooden stake... don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein. It's racist somehow.
+Sorry, my Dad insisted on coming.
+Dad, I don't need a chaperone. I'm four hundred years old!
+You live in my crypt, you play by my rules!
+You're tearing me apart!
+Dinner is served. I tried to make what Homer said you liked.
+I get the drumstick!
+Okay, okay. If a mosquito bites you, does it become a vampire too?
+Okay, okay. If you bite your tongue, does it become a vampire?
+Look, I'm more than just a vampire. I'm a nut for Dixieland jazz.
+You said you weren't going to bring that.
+I said I might not.
+They say vampires live forever. But I die -- of embarrassment every day!
+I know just how you feel!
+Let's fly, Lisa. Keep your mouth closed or you'll swallow a lot of bugs.
+Get them back -- she can't get neck-holes! It's picture day tomorrow!
+Man, you vamps got it made... you sleep all day...
+And, because we only drive at night, we can really time the traffic lights. Vatch...
+Green! Green! Green! Boom! Green! Yes! Boom! Green! Good! Boom!
+Boy, this place has every kind of vampire there is.
+Excuse me?
+Have you seen these kids?
+I did -- and they were sneaking kisses. One kiss. Ha ha ha. Two kisses. Ha ha ha. Three kisses...
+There they are!
+Super-Team -- fly!
+I'm Dracula, not The Hulk.
+Hyah! Hyah!
+Bite me now, Edmund -- and we'll both be vampires!
+Get your neck away from my son's teeth, you evil temptress!
+Sir, I'm not trying to take your son away from you. I plan to be a part of your rich culture, and organize media-friendly events to help combat all the unfair vampire stereotypes.
+Vow! Vow! Now I know what you see in this girl! Bite her, my son, and you both will be eight forever.
+Eight forever? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I can't spend eternity using kid scissors. They barely cut anything!
+Too late. The bloodlust is upon me.
+Back off, you unholy dreamboat!
+Pretty ironic -- a cross being used to kill someone.
+Father, you're hurt!
+Yes, but at least you are safe, my son.
+Whoa, you blood-sucking freaks love your kids too?
+I remember when he was a baby... I'd sneak up to his crib in the middle of the day to make sure he was still not breathing...
+Well, nobody loves his kids more than me!
+Come and get it.
+Die, fatso!
+His blood! It's full of cholesterol!
+And not the good kind!
+Woo-hoo!
+Uh, Dad? They turned you into a vampire.
+Yes! I can fly! See you back at the house!
+Nooooo!
+Mousey and Catsy, aren't they great? Now listen up, kids -- Krusty's sponsor, the Texxon family of gas stations, wants you to know that today's the last day of their "Happy Little Elves" giveaway!
+It's Texxon's way of saying "Sorry about those million dead pelicans."
+You'll really love, the intentionally scarce "Baby Must-Have."
+Don'tcha want her beyond all reason?
+Maggie, you can't climb into the TV. If you could, I'd make Alex Trebek answer some questions.
+Dad, I think Maggie's just sad 'cause her set is missing "Baby Must-Have."
+No child of mine will go without anything, ever! Except quality healthcare!
+Didn't there used to be more Texxon stations?
+Yes, but they sold a bunch off to that frozen yogurt chain.
+What a cheap date this is.
+I'm not cheap, baby, I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. Big difference.
+Nice part of town you got here. Too bad you keep it so far away. Now that we're best friends, can I get the baby elf?
+Pick a box -- you get what you get.
+You can't tell what's inside! Of all the times not to have x-ray vision.
+I'll take... that one.
+Aw, this isn't the right one -- she wants the baby!
+I can't give you another toy till you buy another ten gallons of gas.
+You're lucky you're behind glass.
+Ain't no glass.
+Sure, it's easy to slap people when you're hidin' behind that glass!
+You have a good day.
+Drive all the way... get the wrong elf... ain't no glass... I'll show 'em -- I'll buy ten more gallons of their stupid gas!
+Woo hoo!
+Oh Homie, maybe we should call it a day.
+Oh I'm sorry, Maggie, but even at your age, I'm sure you understand things can't always go your way, and that's why... I can't believe we didn't get that stupid elf!
+Where the hell are we? I've never seen stores like these before.
+I know where we are! This is the neighborhood where I grew up!
+Ooo, everything's changed! That tree used to be a smaller tree. And that food bank used to be a regular bank.
+The march of progress.
+There's my old house!
+Someday when I'm a grownup, maybe I'll go back and look fondly at our house.
+Well, stop in and say "hi" to me 'cause I'll still be there -- chillin' in my basement bachelor pad.
+Be sure to water the flowers on my backyard grave.
+As long as I can dig you up and stick you on the front porch every Halloween.
+Just don't dress me up like a woman.
+We'll see.
+I know what you folks are here for.
+Rabbits! I just kilt this one because it stopped bein' cute!
+We're not here for rabbit. I used to live in this house as a girl.
+I live in it now as a woman! Hey, you wanna come on in? Take a look around?
+Oh, I'd love to, if it's not an imposition.
+Well, as long as we don't have to feed this one.
+Tell her "no deal".
+Everything's just the way I remember it...
+You see that mirror? I discovered that if I sat in the kitchen I could see if the bathroom was free using the reflection from the mirror off the toaster.
+This was my bedroom! My bedpost smooshes are still in the carpet!
+I wanna go read books in the car.
+There are no books in the car.
+I just wanna sit in the car!
+I always wondered who "Marge" is.
+My memorables!
+Over the years, I've sure been tempted to go through this stuff. So I did, many times!
+My whole childhood is in this box! My scrunchies! I never really had the hair for these.
+Wow, Mom -- you got first place in the science fair!
+Oh, that's ancient history. Ooh, here's my paper on ancient history.
+Mom, these grades are amazing! Just as good as mine!
+Aw, man. The drainage around here is a joke.
+I don't even know why I pay taxes.
+Comin' through!
+Just when you think I'm out of ideas!
+Get your affairs in order.
+Bart beat up Nelson!
+A new bully has risen! Simpson Boombaye!
+Simpson Boombaye! Simpson Boombaye!
+Oh, Mama!
+Buying those extra trophies from cash-strapped schools really filled out the old case.
+Principal Skinner? Quick question. Is it true my Mom was a great student?
+Oh indeed. Your mother was as fine a student as you.
+Keep up the good work and you'll probably wind up just like her.
+Well... of course that would be great. But I see myself making an impact... outside the home.
+Lisa, one of the hardest jobs I have is throwing cold water on young children's dreams.
+Ralph, you're not a kangaroo.
+The point is, I've learned a lot about human nature by sitting in the park with mother. And one thing I've learned is children turn out like their parents. Behold, your future!
+Ralph, you're also not a trophy.
+Skinner! I warned you about interacting with students!
+I don't want to have to yell at you.
+You yell at me about everything.
+Well I can't yell at anyone else! Teachers have a union, students have parents.
+What about Willie?
+I like Willie!
+Maggie, something happened to Mom and I'm gonna find out what and when.
+Mom's looking good through elementary school... ninth grade, tenth grade, still ridin' the A-Train... Then suddenly, when she was a high school senior BLAM!
+You kids play nice up there!
+What could've happened?
+Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
+What is troubling you, my son? I mean, my girl son?
+Well, um, I was looking through Mom's old schoolwork, and I noticed her grades went down when she started going out with you.
+Hey, if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone or something else. Sooner or later, everyone meets their "Homer."
+No offense Dad, but no boy is gonna distract me from my dreams.
+It may not be a boy. It could be anything: scrap-booking, high-stakes poker, or the Santa Fe lifestyle. Just pick a dead end, and chill out till you die.
+No! That's not gonna happen to me! I'm gonna make sure nothing distracts me ever!
+Look at you, struttin' around, like you're Toad of Toad Hall.
+I'm just whistlin', man.
+But it's not good enough, is it?
+You think you're so smart, don'tcha, Simpson?
+We're both in the same reading group. I think you know how smart I am.
+That's an insult to me and the rest of the inchworms!
+Bart did it again!
+I'm not a bully! It's just a series of incredible coincidences!
+Well Bart, I guess his parking spot is yours now.
+Well done.
+Okay, I've gotten rid of all of my distractions, diversions, hobbies and... Oh my God!
+Are you a distraction, or a higher calling? All right, let's see. How many jazz musicians led long and happy lives? There's, um...
+That's odd. Lisa just threw her saxophone out the window.
+Oh, that's probably because to her, the saxophone is a me, and she doesn't want to end up like you. G'night.
+She doesn't want to end up like me?!
+No, she does, totally, but uh... with a happier ending. Goodnight!
+What's so wrong with me?
+Nothing, sweetie, nothing! Here, let me explain.
+She does not want to... turn out like... you... didn't... not until... diplomatic... trapped... help... remember nothing!
+I remember everything.
+Well, if you check your purse I think you'll find... the seven of clubs!
+No. Just a picture of Lisa. Who wants to be nothing like me.
+I am so sorry, Marge.
+Stupid pan.
+Mom, could you keep it down a little? I'm trying to study.
+Uh-huh, yeah. Here's your breakfast.
+Not a good time!
+Mom, is something wrong?
+Would it be so bad to turn out like me?
+Mom, I admire everything you do--
+It's plenty good! It's great! It's just... not for me.
+School bus!
+What kind of kiss did you get?
+Normal. You?
+Ice cold.
+You're just imagining things.
+Oh yeah?
+What does your note say?
+The seven of clubs.
+What's the point of getting rid of all the distractions at home, if I have to do my learning here?
+OH I'LL WAX THE UPSTAIRS / AND I'LL WAX THE DOWNSTAIRS / THEN I'LL GET DRUNK IN THE LI'BRY!
+Willie!
+Do you have to wax this floor now?
+No, no, I can come back later.
+Should I get the nurse?
+Nae. Just keep studying. I'll scream this out.
+I can get to you whenever I want, Simpson. But I'm gonna bide my time. You won't even hear the punch that wastes you. And you'll crack like one of those chicken turds rich people eat.
+You mean an egg?
+I mean you're dead!
+Let me outta here so I can put you in here!
+Ha! You're not so tough now.
+Dad was right -- I might as well give up.
+"Cloisters Academy?!" That bus could pick me up any day of the week!
+S'up, bro?
+I'm not your brother.
+Lord Buddha, I know I'm not supposed to want stuff, but c'mon.
+Cloisters Academy is a refuge for quiet learning. We have every facility imaginable. Including an imaginatorium.
+Oh no, wait, it's over there.
+Mom, Dad! Please, can I go here? I'll study so hard I'll make the old me look like Bart.
+That would be one weird-looking kid.
+We'd love to send you here, sweetie. We just can't afford it.
+I'm sure she'll do fine at Springfield Elementary. I hear they just found out there was a World War Two.
+Homer, Lisa, could you please step outside? I have a few choice words for this gentleman.
+Mom, please don't.
+Oh, I've seen that look before. That's the "I ate the piece of wedding cake she's been saving in the freezer ten years" look.
+You what?!
+Lisa, your mother convinced me to take a closer look at your record, and upon further reflection, I have decided to offer you a full scholarship to Cloisters Academy.
+I have a future! Thank you, Mom!
+Thank you, four-eyes!
+So you'll start Monday.
+I'm so exci--
+Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh -- quiet campus. Shh. Now please hold your celebration until you're off the school grounds.
+What time Monday?
+Um, eight o'clock.
+Thank you.
+All right!
+An academy! I'm attending an academy!
+Hi! I see that you're new, and we'd be honored to have you join our softball team.
+I'm sorry, I don't really play.
+Oh, no one plays. We just discuss the physics of the game.
+I lead the team in E.R.A. -- extremely right answers.
+Count me in!
+What's wrong, sweetie -- you seem upset.
+I don't wanna talk about it.
+A kid at school's gonna beat me up.
+Is it Milhouse?
+Milhouse couldn't beat me up.
+Are you sure? He's having a growth spurt.
+It's not Milhouse!
+Is it a girl?
+It's Nelson!
+Hm, I never figured him for the bully type.
+Well, if he's got you cornered, and Milhouse isn't there to help you, there's only one way out: make him feel good about himself.
+How do I do that?
+I don't know, compliment his glasses.
+It's not Milhouse!
+Hi, Lisa, I'm Ms. Marshall, and I'm your teacher.
+Well, I am so happy to be in your class.
+No, I'm your teacher. I only teach you.
+Your short story about the lonely pony -- gripping.
+Did you get that the pony was actually me?
+It hit me the next day, and I read the whole thing again. I thought we'd start the semester by turning this into a novel.
+Self-published?
+Real published.
+Haw-haw!
+This is it, Simpson. After this, your nose will not be an outtie.
+...make him feel good about himself.
+Uh, Nelson... for someone who never goes to the dentist, you have pretty good teeth.
+They're dentures!
+Uh... you do a lot with a limited wardrobe!
+That's Social Worker talk for "I'm poor."
+Uh, uh, you punch really good!
+You think?
+Oh yeah! And-and you always avoid the face around picture day. People appreciate that.
+Hey, those memories are forever.
+You really care, man. A lot of bullies just phone it in. Kearney.
+That school is so great! Teachers teach so much better when they're paid in money, and not in chickens. Is Mom gonna come up and say goodnight?
+Your mom's doing laundry, but she authorized me to say goodnight for her. So, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you sweet dreams.
+There we go. Clean... and white... and soft.
+I see what happened. There was no scholarship. They said I could attend if you did all their laundry. I can't live with that knowledge while trying to get more knowledge.
+Lisa, honey, I insist. Because it's important to you that you don't turn out like me.
+Mom... I don't want to go to that school.
+Why not?
+Because, it's too elitist. Everyone's parents are in "the business."
+What business?
+I don't know! They won't tell me! And besides... you were willing to do all this just so I would be happy! Mom, I'd be honored if I turned out like you.
+Mom, thanks to you, this box sucker didn't beat me up!
+We've been pokin' foil all night. Musta put away two eight-packs by now.
+I'm so glad you two are friends again.
+Look what Maggie got!
+Homer? How did you get...?
+Up, a father has his secrets.
+How did he get in?
+Told ya, ain't got no glass.
+Did he take any money?
+Well, he did now.
+We're unbalanced! It's not fair!
+I'd like to call to order this secret conclave of America's media empires.
+We are here to come up with the next phony baloney crisis to put Americans back where they belong -- in dark rooms, glued to their televisions, too terrified to skip the commercials.
+Well I think--
+NBC, you are here to listen and not speak!
+I think we should go with a good old-fashioned public health scare.
+A new disease! No one's immune! It's like the summer of the shark, except instead of a shark, it's an epidemic, and instead of summer, it's all the time!
+Now I hate to be the guy who derails what everybody else loves...
+He loves being that guy.
+...but, Janice, we do have standards. This can't be a made-up disease. The only moral thing to do is release a deadly virus into the general public.
+We do have something we've been holding onto -- but it hasn't been tested.
+Get over here, NBC.
+Well, we certainly believe in testing, but I...
+Wow. Wow.
+So we've got our deadly disease. Now we just have to blame it on something that's in every household... something that people are a little bit afraid of already...
+Housecat Flu is coming, people! The Center for Disease Disinformation predicts with some degree of probability that the Housecat Flu might spread in the following hypothetical outbreak pattern...
+So petter beware, that warm body on your lap just might be...ready to destroy your tender vittles.
+Springfielders are advised to stay tuned for more info if they experience any of the following symptoms: mild thirst, occasional hunger, tiredness at night...
+You know, I don't know when this was ever a good idea.
+Hurry up, boy. We have to burn everything the cat touched before the virus makes us paranoid.
+Stop burning!
+They have a vaccine!
+All right. We'll get the vaccine.
+Homer, did you know he was in the pile?
+I thought he was an old clump of rags.
+Don't worry, people. We have enough vaccines for... one child per family.
+I don't even have a kid that I admit to having!
+Please use your time in line wisely to "Sophie's Choice" your child.
+What a crook.
+This isn't the line for a movie. Why are you wearing that costume?
+Because, you see, I am afraid of needles, but Wolverine is not.
+Snikt! Snikt!
+Need... acceptable currency... for delicious treat...
+Mr. Burns? Where's he going?
+Yes, I'd like thirty-seven snifters of your influenza syrup. One for me, one for Smithers here and the rest for my hounds.
+Give him what he wants -- he's the only taxpayer in this town.
+But Mr. Mayor, these people have waited in line. And dogs can't even get the disease.
+They'll see me take it and they'll want some. Yes 'oo will. Yes 'oo will. You little jelly belly.
+Sir, perhaps we should get out of here before people start resenting you.
+Hurry up and get in -- I'll drive.
+Hurry everyone, roll in the shards!
+Come on! Like this!
+Healthy. Gettin' healthy. Ow! Gettin' healthy... and very sleepy.
+Ahhh. I feel as hail and hearty as an eohippus.
+Mister Burns, I did a little blood work earlier today and I'm afraid I've got a bit of hard news.
+Spit it out, Doctor! I haven't got all day.
+You certainly don't. You see... I am afraid you're dying.
+Dying?!
+Yes, it's a number of factors really... whooping cough, hectic fever, cancrum otis, Wellington's ooze, the Lambeth plague, and skull collapse.
+How long do I have?
+Five, six weeks tops. You might live to see the Wheat-Eared Warbler return to Swinton Park. But I wouldn't count on it.
+You want me to tell the employees, sir?
+No. It's better that they hear it from me. I'll tell them the truth in the simplest way I know how.
+Why did Burns make us all come here?
+I bet he's got something up his sleeve.
+I don't like that he hired a band to play ominous music.
+Good evening -- I have very sad news for all of you.
+Well, maybe he's going to jack up our electric rates. I will have to hand-crank my wiener warmer. Hand-crank my wiener warmer.
+The truth is... I'm dying.
+Hell yeah!
+Finally! A break for the black man!
+This better not be a gag!
+It's not! My days are roman numeraled!
+Stop this! Stop this at once or I'll...
+Or what? You're just gonna die soon anyway!
+I'm warning you! You are making a very powerful temporary enemy!
+Sir, you'd better not rile them up. The first course is oysters on the half shell.
+I see. I am well and truly hated. However, you will change your tune when you see the legacy I'm leaving behind me.
+I'm leaving all my money to an orchard that will grow inedible "me"-shaped fruits.
+They're as addictive as they are poisonous.
+Melt his ice sculpture!
+It's starting to drip!
+I haven't a friend in the world.
+You have me, sir.
+I pay you, Smithers. And no kind of love can come from one man paying another.
+Well, but there's...
+I'll just retire to my bed.
+Uh, that's where we put everyone's coats.
+Shred them in the wood chipper and use the rags to wax my car.
+Why does everyone hate me?
+Sir, what are you doing?
+Smithers, I want to die quietly, on my own terms, crushing as many of those baby sea turtles as I possibly can.
+Goodbye, insufficiently cruel world!
+Anthill, wasp nest, moose poop, Mr. Burns... Mr. Burns?
+Hold, please.
+My poop stick has brought him back to life! But which end?
+What do you want?
+C'mon, man, leave me alone.
+Friend?
+You my mommy-daddy-puppy?
+Whoa! Your brains have turned to oatmeal!
+My name Oatmeal?
+This is too weird, man.
+Wait for Oatmeal!
+What am I gonna do with you?
+Look, I know you're cool now, but my Dad hates you more than celery, and my Mom said no new pets -- so I'm hiding you in my room.
+Oatmeal accept premise.
+Bart, who are you talking to?
+What's all that noise?
+I'm playing with my Sergeant Activity Doll.
+Why not buy another of me?
+Hm... Well, okay.
+Okay, okay. I'll find you some food.
+Me not feel good.
+Hey pal, you look like you lost your best friend.
+He was more than a friend. He was the reason I got up in the morning. Because he would inject me with coffee at six a.m. in the back of the head. My new boss will never take his place.
+New boss, huh? What's he like?
+Oh, a lot like my old boss. Ruthless. Went to Yale. Made a fortune in energy. Basically hairless.
+Ah, yeah.
+He likes to stack men naked. I guess that's a start.
+A Philanthropist, a Humanitarian, a Man of Peace. These are among the people who've come today to spit in Montgomery Burns' open grave.
+The fact that Mr. Burns' thirty-seven pound body was never found did nothing to lessen the salivary salvos.
+You may continue.
+I hope they use that spit for a good cause, like sealing wedding envelopes.
+Or helping a railroad worker grip his sledgehammer!
+Now they're dancing on his grave!
+Dance, you sons of bitches! Dance like it's me down there!
+Thank God Mr. Burns isn't alive to see this.
+Come back! I'm not finished giving you your bath!
+Attack during their sacred holiday!
+Hm, apparently Mr. Burns is in a state of shock from the trauma he underwent.
+Oh man, this is great. The most evil man in town is in our power. He will do my bidding... at that fantasy football auction. And anything else my limited imagination can come up with.
+Just because Mr. Burns was mean to you, that doesn't give you the right to abuse him when he's helpless.
+Marge, it's the golden rule: treat others the way they mess with you.
+It's not up to you. We're going to take him to our moral and civic leaders. They'll know the right thing to do.
+All those in favor of treating Mr. Burns the way he messed with us say "aye."
+People of Springfield, to quote Shakespeare, "the quality of mercy is not strained..."
+You know, it takes a lot for an eight-year-old to stand up in front of the whole town.
+Eight-year-old? I always thought you were a midget!
+We're called "little people" and I'm not one.
+People of Springfield, as a nerd, I understand your desire for revenge, but this sweet, harmless man is not the same remorseless monster who tormented us all.
+He's close enough!
+Yeah, Seaside Heights ain't Maui, uh, but you take what you can get. Whoa!
+You done pullin' the wings offa those bees?
+Almost, Mr. Vice President. May I ask why I'm doing this?
+I don't know. I'm bored.
+When my old boss got bored, he liked to listen to Thomas Edison reciting "Mary Had A Little Lamb" on a wax cylinder.
+What do you think I am, a thousand years old? I got a myPod full of Lee Greenwood.
+Now boy, everyone in town gets Burns for half an hour to do as they will.
+This town can't teach its kids or collect its garbage, but we lead the nation in pointless revenge.
+Okay, Burnsie, follow the carrot!
+Dad, you're gonna wreck him for everybody!
+Don't worry, boy, another girder always swings in for you to walk on right when you get to the end.
+Where's the other girder?
+Okay, here's your choice: cash in my hands or blood on the jerky.
+I believe you want the "Assistant Manager, sir."
+Oh I can't shoot him! I've got him next!
+Well, that is your bad luck because he is mine right now. Come back in half and hour and he can be your accomplice.
+I was going to take him ice skating.
+What was that?
+Nothing.
+What was that? Ice skating? Do you do axels and Salchows? What do you do?
+Check out my new Dad!
+Sorry, lame-o, it's two o'clock, which makes him my Uncle Ed for an hour.
+No, it's Saturday, which makes him that guy at the Youth Center who really believes in me.
+There's still time for me to turn my life around, right?
+It's not that easy, man!
+All yours.
+What did you do with him?
+Found a way to use him as a bong.
+Dad, Mr. Burns is here for you again.
+Already?
+A little tired of revenge, are we?
+Yeah, I've done all I can do in that medium.
+All right. Mr. Burns, I'm gonna show you that not all of us in this town are vindictive and cruel.
+Not today.
+I thought after all you went through, you just might want to spend an hour in a place where you felt at home.
+Lots of room for friends.
+Actually, sir, the man who lived here didn't have many friends. But you're a better person than he ever was.
+That's me!
+Yes, technically it's you. But like I said, people change and--
+--and they can also bloody well change back!
+Daddy's home.
+I don't have time for the papers, Smithers. Any terrorist attacks on American soil today?
+I'm sorry, but no.
+Smithers! Trading me in for a younger model, I see.
+Mr. Burns! You're alive! I'm so happy I could hug you!
+And me smell like drugstore cologne the rest of the day? I don't think so. You may hug... my shadow.
+Hey, there's a number on him. What is it?
+Oh. Mr. Vice President... I've loved this time we've spent in this dormant volcano, but...
+You're leaving me, aren't you?
+I... I am.
+You realize that every time I don't get what I want, Al Qaeda wins?
+Can I go now?
+Yes. I just need to erase your memory.
+Attention, insects! The foot of reckoning has arrived!
+Hey there, Mr. Burns! For our half hour I thought we'd have a picnic in the park.
+Silence, you sadistic monster! I've got my memory back, and I'm going to wreak a terrible vengeance. Taking an idea I got from a Stephen King book, I'm going to cover this town with a dome!
+It's been done!
+Really? You don't say. Did you know about this?
+I see. Well, what if I cover you all with... a cube of bulletproof plexi-glass!
+Uh, it's pretty much the same thing.
+Plus we could always dig ourselves out, although that never seems to occur to anybody.
+Set 'er down, Smithers.
+Mr. Burns, you can't hurt us after all we've done for you.
+What the devil are you talking about?
+You were given six weeks to live. And you've outlived it! I think what kept you alive was that for once in your life you were helping other people.
+Could it be? Perhaps kindness did keep me alive.
+Young man, would you like a lemon drop?
+It wasn't kindness that was keeping me alive, it was bile building up inside! Loathing is my life blood and rage my royal jelly! So yes, thank you, Springfield, for giving me the secret to eternal life -- hate!
+You're welcome!
+What are you doing here?
+You were my father for two hours, and I'm not letting this Dad get away!
+Preposterous! I won't be Bismarcked into fathering anyone!
+Listen, old man. I need someone to cheer me on in the school play. And it's gonna be you or this copter's goin' down!
+You know I'll do it!
+Thank God your son can't see the way you're behaving.
+My son? My son? The truth is... I don't have a son! Haw-haw! Haw-haw! Haw-haw!
+That's my boy!
+Oh, don't be scared, boys. That's just the angels bowling.
+And so The Bloody Hangman, his hair sticky with blood, skittered along the cobblestones, gunk dripping from his one good eye, singing his evil land chantey.
+KER-SHAW, KER-SHEW / I'M AFTER YOU / WITH MY BLOODY NOOSE / STRONG ENOUGH TO HANG TEN MOOSE / KER-SHAW, KER-SHEW / IT'S JUST A STORY, BUT IT'S REALLY TRUE!
+Homer, are you scaring those kids?
+No, I'm no-ot! Yes I am. The Bloody Hangman walks on his stubby bone feet through the plague-ridden streets of London...
+You said it was Boston.
+Did I? Anyway, the Bloody Hangman set to his gory work. Bodies piled up like those stackable plastic chairs.
+Like those chairs in the music room?
+Possibly!
+The Hangman's here!
+Ker-shaw, ker-shew, my lies have come true!
+Huh. It's a pigeon.
+The poor guy hurt his wing.
+I bet it's a combination to a safe!
+Or, more likely, the phone number of the bird's owner.
+Ask about the safe. No, better yet, act like you know about the safe.
+Yes, I believe I have your pigeon, "Raymond Bird," and I need to know how to return him to you.
+He's a homing pigeon, girlie. Why don't you let him fly home? Unless you wanna spring for a limo.
+Yes, he could fly home, except that he has a broken wing. Perhaps you and your sarcasm could come to Springfield and retrieve him.
+Are you kidding? Wherever I go, two hundred birds gotta come with me. And they all want to sit in the front seat with daddy.
+Looks like you're gonna have to take care of him, Bart.
+Me? Just what in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?
+No, no... Listen, don't tell anyone, but... I can't stand pigeons! They're like rats with wings!
+He's crawling on your arm.
+Oh... Okay, maybe he's not so bad.
+No! No! No! Get off! Get off! Get off!
+Okay, Ray, your wing is healed. Go on. Live your life.
+Aw, c'mon, man. Admit it -- you knew this day would come.
+You and I have shared too many seed bells to just walk away from this.
+Go ahead, make fun of me. I lost my heart to a bird.
+Haw-haw.
+Man, you were not into that. What's wrong?
+My mom ran off with my birthday clown.
+All finished, boy.
+That coop looks a little flimsy.
+Flimsy? This gentle pat says different.
+Opossum!
+Mom, it's just Maggie.
+Now that you're officially my bird, let me fill you in on the pecking order around here.
+The top dog is me, followed by the top dog, the dog... ...then the cat... then you... but don't feel bad, you're ahead of Milhouse.
+C'mon Bart. How long can you stay mad?
+I thought your race car was a Transformer! Nothing's one thing anymore!
+Sorry man, it's still too soon.
+No problem. I'll just be right behind this fence, whenever you're ready to forgive me.
+Now? Do you forgive me now? Now? Now?
+I'm scared, Bart.
+Bored by black and white footage of World War II? Recently uncovered color footage will get you back in the game!
+Order this DVD now, featuring dictator's commentary by Hitler and Mussolini.
+And as a special bonus, the story of the carrier pigeon -- the Allies' winged warrior.
+General Patton, this bird has a message for you.
+There's a bomb in my helmet!
+Caesar can have his eagle, Alexander the Great his gryphon... I'll take the American fighting pigeon any damn day!
+Wow, Ray, you have hidden talents!
+Is he good at tic-tac-toe like that chicken I played, lost to, and ate at the State Fair?
+No, I was thinking we could use him to send messages back and forth.
+Way ahead of you.
+Mom, why am I so repulsed by pigeons? It doesn't make any sense.
+I'm a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Amoebas, The League of Women Vultures, the N-double-A-C-Porcupines, Kids for Squids, the A.C.L. Unicorns, Clamnesty International and, uh... well, those are the best ones.
+Sweetie, everyone has an animal they can't stand. Indiana Jones had snakes, the Grizzly man had grizzlies, and... you know, I'm not crazy about opossums.
+Really?
+Those creepy little claws...
+Who's a possum? You're a possum.
+What's that?
+I'll tell you later.
+Four sixty-five divided by seven equals...
+What the? All right. I won't ask who sent this note if I can use the bird to send a note of my own.
+As long as it means we're not learning.
+Every day since we broke up is the greatest day of my life.
+Is that from Edna?
+I feel for you, Seymour. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here for you.
+P.S., Chalmers and I are doing it.
+She was on the rebound from Willie.
+Ooh, a carrier pigeon. Perhaps an update on the siege of Khartoum.
+"Do a ballet dance without no clothes on." Bad grammar, but good advice.
+I'll catch up with you guys later.
+Hey Homer, you ever think about racing that bird?
+You can race pigeons?
+Hey, if it moves, you can bet on it.
+What about the Detroit Lions?
+Ah, now lay off Detroit. Them people is living in Mad Max times. But I was thinking you could enter this bird in the annual Springfield to Shelbyville Birditarod. Hm?
+Hmm... me, the patriarch of a bird-racing dynasty...
+Congratulations, Homer.
+Danica Patrick in my thoughts!
+That's right, Homer. I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fans' fantasies. Better not tell Marge about this.
+You Brickyard Bimbo!
+Ended that a little too soon.
+What they don't suspect is that I'm into this.
+Hear that, boy? You're gonna be a racing pigeon!
+It's getting a little chilly -- I'd better put a blanket on Ray.
+Dad! Help!
+Stupid dog! Let go of that delicious bird!
+Nooooo!
+Come on out, birdie! Follow the sound of my voice-voice-voice.
+It's just as well. There's no such thing as a Birditarod. It was just a trick to scam you out of your house. Good day.
+TAPS TAPS TAPS / TAPS TAPS TAPS / TAPS TAPS TAPS / TAPS TAPS TAPS / TAPS TAPS TAPS... TAPS TAPS TAPS...
+What did you think, Mom?
+Well ask your new father.
+You haven't earned the right to say that to me.
+Dearly beloved. I'd like to open this service with the words of Emily Dickinson: "Hope is the thing with feathers..."
+Stupid dog!
+This funeral just got depressing.
+Let's lighten up the mood, boys!
+GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP / PUT ON A HAPPY FACE / BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP / PUT ON A HAPPY FACE
+Thanks. That song does make me feel a little better.
+It's from "Bye-Bye Birdie"!
+You really don't get it.
+Your crimes against the animals / have gone before the jury.
+We prob'ly should deliberate / but we're kind of in a hurry.
+I never met a dog I didn't hate. /
+Ah, yes. A little hair of the dog that bit me.
+I hope you learned something here.
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, Bart has been very sad lately.
+We know. And we're going to do something about it.
+No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Please don't do anything. Not only have his grades gone up, but the enthusiasm has gone out of his pranks.
+I mean, take a look at this. If anything, I was wondering if you could make him sadder.
+How can you say a thing like that?
+Marge, listen to the man -- he pays Bart's salary.
+No he doesn't!
+Why can't you support my gibberish? I'd do it if you were stupid!
+Marge, Homer, this marital discord is perfect. But please, save it for home where your son could see it.
+Bart, Santa's Little Helper, come on in.
+A shrink who takes kids and pets?
+Hey, in this economy, I'll even remove tattoos.
+Even my tramp stamp?
+I got the idea from a show where people regret these.
+Homie, why don't you study these?
+Oh baby! Well whaddaya know! Oh come on!
+So, Marge, what I understand from our phone conversation is, you have a very poor service provider.
+I bought it because Catherine Zeta Jones told me to. What a fool I was.
+Secondly, there's been a major breach of trust between Bart and Santa's Little Helper.
+Well, he shouldn't kill birds. It's not right!
+That is correct... according to human standards. But all a dog can do is follow his animal inclinations, right?
+I guess.
+So, Bart, as the one with the larger brain...
+Nicely done, boy.
+...maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive him.
+See? He's a questionable character! He used to hang around racetracks, you know!
+Bart, could you wait outside?
+It's not gonna work. You have to give the dog away.
+Are you sure?
+As sure as I am that I'll be billing you for that torn magazine.
+Oh, that's pretty sure. Subscription rate, right?
+Newsstand.
+Why is it coming with us? And for once, I'm not talkin' about Lisa.
+It's amazing how I can feel sorry for you and hate you at the same time. I'm sure there's a German word for it.
+We're bringing the dog because we've found him a new home at a farm upstate where he can run and play all day.
+You're gonna put him down?
+No! For once, a pet "going to a farm upstate" really is going to a farm upstate.
+What about all the other pets you told us went to a farm upstate?
+Hmm... Back yard, back yard, toilet, ocean, don't know, back yard, Flanders' mailbox, Lenny's freezer, tire fire.
+This is where we're ditching the dog?
+Well, "ditching" is a harsh word.
+Enough chitchat. Time for operation dog dump.
+It wasn't really a lot of chitchat.
+It was still too much.
+We'll take good care of your dog.
+I'm sure you will, because you take such good care of your ostriches.
+Maybe we should get going.
+Bart, sweetie... would you like to say goodbye?
+Marge, I'm watching a rerun of an important Bowl game.
+Well, boy, I guess this is it. We've shared a lot of great memories, like the time we got our picture in the paper with the caption "Who's Walking Who?"
+I mailed them the answer but they never printed it.
+But it's not my fault you're leaving, it's yours. Because you should never, ever kill a bird. Ever!
+I'd like a moment to ourselves.
+Ooo, unknown caller!
+All right, you, gimme back my phone, and nobody gets hurt.
+You said nobody gets hurt. Those were your exact words!
+So, Lisa. Do you want an ostrich feather centerpiece?
+Not really.
+Well we've gotta buy something!
+Help! Kill the bird!
+Never kill a bird. Never kill a bird.
+Why you little...
+Pa! You gotta see this!
+Oh right, I forgot.
+More Oxycontin Candy, sweetie?
+Well, boy, I guess I owe you an apology. Who's a bird-eating monster? You are. You are! Yes you are!
+Well, Bart learned a lesson, and most important of all, we don't have to stop and pick up dinner.
+You do for me.
+Wrong holiday, stupid!
+Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
+I could use some help!
+And that last touchdown makes it sixty-seven to thirteen.
+Maggie.
+Lisa, what are you doing?
+Marking a crime scene. To celebrate a ancient pagan ritual, this tree was cut down and tarted up like a dime-a-dance floozy.
+Next you'll have a problem with my gingerbread house.
+You mean your gingerbread McMansion.
+Hey, show some respect. Three gingerbread workmen died making that.
+I'm sorry, but this leg's gonna have to go.
+You're gonna be okay.
+It's almost over.
+Now to take care of the witnesses.
+Hey, I need those cookies for Santa.
+At least someone around here's got the Christmas spirit.
+Yep. Come midnight, I'll be sittin' here with cold cookies, warm milk, and hot lead.
+For the last three years, I've asked that rosy-cheeked nog-hog for a dirt bike. And all he brought me was a zillion lame-o toys that I immediately broke and threw in this bag.
+But you wanted those toys.
+I wanted them till I got them! But this year I'm gettin' my dirt bike.
+Even Mac Davis himself couldn't save this Christmas.
+Great, Mom. Now I lost track of my pump count. One pump, two pump...
+Bowl full of jelly, pump lead in his belly...
+All aboard the Polar Express!
+Direct service to the North Pole, with stops at Candy Cane Corners, Sugarplum Square, Jack Frost Junction, Fa La La La Lane, Nutcracker Street, and Hanukah Heights.
+Some "express."
+We're flying!
+Yep, she'll fly all right, you just gotta keep her happy.
+Excuse me, Mister Goblin?
+Elf! I'm an elf!
+Whatever you say. Um, look, how do I get to Santa?
+Oh no. Only the top elves get to meet Santa.
+You start in the wrapping room! That'll take you right down.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin'? That leads to the daycare center. You take the freight elevator.
+Isn't this the busy season? Where is everybody?
+Laid off.
+After NAFTA, a lot of these jobs went to the South Pole.
+Well, who needs wrapping paper anyway? Just stick a bow on the toy and you're ready to go.
+Bow, bow, bow, bow, bing, bang, boom!
+You are clearly too smart to be down here with these dingle-bells. I'm promotin' you to Toy Inspector. The rest of youse are laid off. Scram.
+I can't lose my health insurance. My lungs are full of candy cane dust!
+Hey, you twos can go work for the Easter Bunny!
+Oh that's right, he ain't real! Heh.
+Kid, you got a lot of shoddy, money-saving ideas. Like a major airline but you were here on time. Come with me.
+So you're the brown nosed reindeer that's jingled all the way to the top.
+Just point me to Santa.
+Oh, I know what you're after. The toy you never got.
+You're outta your elfin mind!
+Oh really? Well let me ask you this, how many kids bring a gun to meet Santa?
+Okay. You got me. But I'm gettin' my dirt bike -- and you can't stop me.
+Security!
+No disrespect, fat man, but you'd better poop out a dirt bike.
+Close the door, boy. I can't afford to heat the whole North Pole.
+Listen here, Kringle. I may have been naughty this year. But by today's standards, naughty's nothing. I didn't get anybody pregnant, I didn't Facebook a kid to death... make with my dirt bike!
+Kid... this company's bust. For years I've been giving out free toys and gettin' cookies in return. It's not a sustainable business model.
+Oh c'mon, man. Things aren't that bad.
+They're pretty bad. I'm eating my own reindeer here!
+You win.
+That's a good boy.
+You go home now. And maybe there'll be a nice pair of work socks under your tree.
+You don't have to do that. I have socks. I'll give you socks!
+Thanks, kid. Now you'd better head home. I'm sure in the twenty-five years of Earth time you've been gone, your parents have gotten worried.
+Kids never change. Always dumb as potatoes.
+Pull over!
+Hey kid, you ever wanted a train for Christmas? This one's yours!
+Why can't they leave a poor tree in the woods where it belongs?
+I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS...
+IF ONLY IN MY DREAMS... Hey, hey, that song goes out to all the G.I.s overseas and the folks missing 'em here at home. Brought to you by Chesterton cigarettes. Chesterton. They feel like me, singin' in your throat.
+Can it really be Christmas when one of our parents is facing the German army?
+Simpson! Get your helmet on!
+I'm trying! It just keeps popping off.
+You can make it through this, Marge. Just think of Homer.
+Hey, Simpson! How come you ain't in combat like a real man?!
+I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.
+Kids, remember when I promised to feed us from that victory garden? Well, instead I grew this tree!
+Don't dare bring that thing in here!
+You don't want a Christmas tree? That's crazy! Next you won't want a Christmas ham.
+Don't worry about that. I love meat and I always will.
+Mmm-mm, that is some sweet pig meat. But as for Christmas trees... I used to love them -- until last year, when I went tree shopping with Mom...
+This tree reminds me of your father. It's round in the middle, thinning on top, and your hands get sticky when you touch it.
+Simpson, you're shipping out tonight!
+Right before Christmas?
+Hitler doesn't take a holiday!
+Well he does, but he doesn't tell people till the last minute so they can't make plans.
+Bastard.
+But I...
+So I never want to see another Christmas tree... until Mom comes back, safe and sound.
+Sweetie, if your mother was in trouble, they'd tell us as soon as they could.
+Telegram!
+Marge is Mia? Oh my God, she changed her name?
+No, that says she's missing in action.
+See? Every time we get a tree, Mom disappears!
+Why couldn't it have been me?
+It still could be. You just have to go down to the recruiting station and--
+Shut up.
+... ... ...
+Oh no! This is where they took Mom from me!
+I've been waiting for you.
+Your mom paid for this tree last year, but never took it. I've watered it, kept it fresh, and every time I look at this blue spruce, it reminds me of your good old mom.
+Here. Let me trim it for you.
+And uh, decorate it a little.
+It's a sign. Mom's okay! Thank you.
+Yeah. My only sale all year and it's not even a sale.
+Whose turn is it to cry?
+Quitcher bellyaching about Marge and let me read the paper.
+Look at that picture!
+Oh, for cryin' out loud.
+Huh? I thought you said you didn't want a tree.
+Yes, but then I learned that there's always hope. Someday this war will be over. Someday our Mom will be back.
+Someday TV will be invented, and it will be free. Then it will cost money.
+But until then this tree will stand for everything Mom believes in: home, family and constantly sweeping up needles.
+O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM...
+...WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLÄTTER!
+DU GRUNST NICHT NUR ZUR SOMMERZEIT, /
+NEIN AUCH IM WINTER, WENN ES SCHNEIT...
+I pooped my tights.
+Nein! Nein! Why did I go to the nine o'clock show?
+Das ist Hitler!
+Auf Wiedersehen.
+This is the last time I bring these two to bed at the same time.
+I've always believed in you even when others didn't. Can you help save our family Christmas? Marge Simpson.
+Marge Simpson, I'm on my way!
+Wake up, Marge! Magical memories don't make themselves!
+Martha Stewart! How did you get in here?!
+A picket fence stood on its end makes a sturdy and attractive ladder.
+Now let's make that bed.
+A smattering of pinecones...
+And with a little bit of work, this wedding dress can make a great dust ruffle!
+But I was gonna-- Oooh!
+So, this stuff will just shampoo out, huh?
+Why would you want to shampoo it out?
+Me and Milhouse had a snowball fight, then an ice-ball fight, then a fight-fight!
+You boys want to play soldier?
+I can't think of a better way to spend Jesus' birthday.
+I'm not sure I like where this is going.
+Well I'm not sure anyone asked your opinion.
+Squeeze your shoulder blades together!
+Now march -- and after an hour you can relax with some hand-shaved hot cocoa and a trial subscription to "Martha Stewart Living."
+And out!
+Ms. Stewart, I made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles!
+Lovely, dear. Except I would've soaked the labels off with warm water. Then I would've melted the plastic down in a double-boiler, and poured it into a candy mold. And finally, I wouldn't have presented it quite so proudly.
+I'll go outside and make snow angels.
+Lie face down and your beautiful smile will be molded into the snow!
+Now this... is a challenge.
+Now remember, pack only necessities.
+There: a slumbering hubby is now a traditional Christmas tableau. Copyright Martha Stewart.
+He's starting to wake up.
+A little of my "Hubby's Holiday Helper" will calm him right down.
+Don't worry, Marge. It's a good thing.
+There, there...
+Martha, the house looks beautiful -- it's like Christmas with a childless gay couple. But it's just not the same without my family being themselves.
+Well, thanks for wasting my time. I'll just wave my magic wand and turn everything back the way it was!
+You have a magic wand?
+Yes, I made it myself. Take an old car antenna, marinate it overnight in the tears of a heartbroken leprechaun, bake at 350 till a rainbow shoots out of the oven, and there you go.
+I guess I'll never have a perfect Christmas.
+Merry Christmas, Mom!
+We brought you breakfast in bed!
+Now we just have to make it.
+IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE BREAKFAST...
+...EVERYWHERE YOU GO
+YOU'LL BE OH SO PLEASED / WHEN THE O.J. IS FRESHLY-SQUEEZED / AND TOAST IS MADE FROM HOMEMADE
+WE'RE GONNA GO OUT FOR BREAKFAST / WE'LL GO OUT TO EAT / IT'LL BE ANY PLACE YOU CHOOSE / AS LONG AS IT'S RUN BY JEWS / 'CAUSE THEY DON'T THINK THIS HOLIDAY'S SO GREAT.
+ALOHA'OE / ALOHA'OE... Hurry up, kids! We gotta get to the airport!
+Did you get a good house-sitter?
+Moe Szyslak, house-sitter extraordinaire!
+Sticks and stones may break my bones...
+Ow! Hey! Stop it! Ooh, Cookies!
+Great at the chewin', not so hot at the swallowing.
+Hey, baby, it's Moe. Calling yaz from my new bachelor pad, at 742 Evergreen Terrace. Yeah, okay, sugarplum. I'll see you soon.
+Hey, get this off! Hey, get this off!
+Now nothing stands between us and sunny Hawa...
+Merry Humbug, everyone!
+Ai-yi-yi-yi!
+What's wrong, Homie?
+I got the week off by telling Mr. Burns I had a neck injury!
+Mr. Burns, why'd you come to see me?
+Well, last night, I had a visit from three spirits...
+I wish this show had a visit from three new writers.
+Wait, what's this? Carpetbags and portmanteaus? Going somewhere, Simpson?
+Uh... uh...
+Hey guys, uh, you'll need this on your trip to Hawa--
+Hm, your goblin fainted.
+Not a goblin.
+Simpson! Where's your Christmas tree?
+Coming!
+Homer! Gimme back my tree!
+Well, I won't interrupt your holiday any longer. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good... pop star slash fashionista, Katy Perry?!
+What are you people doing in my boyfriend Moe's bachelor pad?
+That's right, she's into puppets.
+Just what's going on here?
+Fine, I'll come clean.
+It's a Christmas miraculum!
+No, it's not. I just told a lie so we could go to Hawaii.
+You lied to me! Release the hounds!
+They'll be here any minute!
+We uh, blew the budget on Katy Perry.
+Someone totally needs a hug!
+I kissed a girl and I liked it! All is forgiven, Simpsons. Go and enjoy Ha-va-eee.
+Just as soon as we sing one Christmas carol.
+Oh man, not the lame-o "Twelve Days of Christmas."
+Of course not! I want to sing the original, unabridged "Thirty-Nine Days Of Christmas". And a one and a two...
+THIRTY-NINE FOPS A-FOPPING /
+THIRTY-EIGHT FISHWIVES HAWKING /
+THIRTY-SEVEN COOPERS COOPING / THIRTY-SIX BOOTBLACKS BUFFING / THIRTY-FIVE BUSKERS BUSKING / THIRTY-FOUR SOMETHING SOMETHINGS / THIRTY-THREE ALCHEMISTS TRANSMUTING / THIRTY-TWO DUTCHMEN PLOTTING / THIRTY-ONE DOCTORS LEECHING /
+THIRTY YEAR AVERAGE LIFESPAN...
+Tonight's Simpson episode was brought to you by the symbol "umlaut"...
+And the number e. Not the letter e, but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself.
+Well, it's been a long run, but I think this'll kill it.
+What? The Simpsons?
+No, Christmas.
+TWENTY-NINE SMITHS A-FORGING / TWENTY-EIGHT COOPERS COOPING...
+We did that one already!
+TWENTY-SEVEN EELERS EELING / TWENTY-SIX ANARCHISTS BOMBING / TWENTY-FIVE SWAMIS FORESEEING / TWENTY-FOUR SIDEBURNS CURLING / TWENTY-THREE MONKS A-CHANTING / TWENTY-TWO RATS A-PLAGUING / TWENTY-ONE COXSWAINS CALLING / TWENTY FLAUTISTS FLUTING / NINETEEN FOOTMEN BOWING / EIGHTEEN GUNGAS DINNING / SEVENTEEN SEVENTY-SI-IX / SIXTEEN MIDWIVES BIRTHING / FIFTEEN ALIENISTS ALIENING / FOURTEEN JACKS A-RIPPING / THIRTEEN SCRIVENERS SCRIVNING / TWELVE LORDS A-LEAP--
+I'll just kiss your bellybutton.
+That's not my bellybutton. But I didn't say "stop."
+I don't even want to smell sparkling apple juice again.
+Aw, poor baby.
+Come on, Bart. Afraid of a little apple juice?
+Pig in a blanket!
+Dad's underwear!
+Aunt Selma's leg!
+I hate New Year's Eve. I can't believe I made out with Ryan Seacrest on the TV screen.
+Let's just take it easy.
+We all made mistakes on New Year's Eve.
+There is only one upside to today.
+C'mon, jus' one more drink, Marge.
+Happy New Year!
+Everyone shush!
+Why are you hung over? I didn't see you drink last night.
+I didn't. I got secondhand wasted from smooching your father. So not a peep out of anyone till the Fiesta Bowl!
+That's not for five hours!
+I know when the freakin' Fiesta Bowl is!
+Sweetie, relax. Let's just watch some TV.
+New Year's Eve might be over in America, but we're still rockin' hard in Samoa!
+And here come the Blue Angels waking up the shrieking Wah-wah birds!
+Well, well, well. Simpson, you've committed Springfield's first crime of the new year. Write him up, Lou.
+Huh? What'd I do?
+Failed to separate your bottles and newspapers.
+Fifty bucks?! That used to cover two public nudities and a poop in the park!
+That's vandalizing city property! Write him up again, Lou.
+What the hell?!
+Mild obscenity before ten a.m. Also illegal.
+C'mon, Lou. Gimme a break!
+Sorry, sir, I take no pleasure in it. Oh yeah.
+Since when is all this against the law?
+Since today. As of Jan one, a bunch of new ordinances -- with uh, outrageous financial penalties -- took effect.
+This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and it's ruined.
+Oh, I get it. The government runs out of money, so they pass a bunch of lame-o laws to sock it to the little guy.
+Fine. You're "Tellin' it like it is." Also a crime now. And that one's gonna cost ya.
+That's almost a thousand dollars!
+Rounding up your total. That's a fifty dollar fine.
+Wow, Homer, this year's only eleven hours old and it's already your annus horribilis. My New Year's Resolution was to learn Latin.
+Uh listen, Homer -- I know a guy who fixes things for folks who need things fixed. But, uh, I can't talk about it here.
+Eh, still not private enough.
+Eh, this is private, but a little dank.
+Whoopsie. Glinda, Madame Morrible, flyin' monkeys there... Can you tell me how I can get back to my bar?
+Moe, you've always had the power to get back to the bar.
+Whoa! It's a chimpan-me!
+Maybe we should let these people enjoy their show.
+Homer, what you do is go down to window nine at the courthouse. You slip the guy a hundred bucks and your record is as clean as... uh, I ain't got nothin' clean to compare it to.
+Ten minutes? I can't wait that long! I left an ice cream cone in my cup holder!
+Hold on! I will get help! Must... break... glass!
+Nooooo!
+Homer Simpson, you are under arrest for attempted bribery of a public official.
+Chief, this is just a big misunderstanding. I meant to write "bride." It's a wedding present.
+Oh, how thoughtful!
+My bribe!
+Cuff him, Lou.
+Homer Simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the Federal Penitentiary!
+It's okay, it's okay. I can be out in eighteen months with good behavior.
+We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior.
+Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior!
+Your honor, I would like to request a sidebar.
+Granted.
+Ten years. That is a long time to be away from your family.
+All that time I'll be stuck in my cell, unable to exercise...
+Actually, most convicts work out like crazy.
+I repeat: unable to exercise...
+All right look, Simpson... there is one thing you can do to get out sooner... but, uh, it is extremely dangerous.
+Simpson, we are currently conducting a twenty-year investigation into the activities of Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico.
+What? This guy?
+We're gonna plant you in Fat Tony's gang as an undercover informant.
+I can't go undercover with Fat Tony. He's met me. I've been in his house. I was briefly his Consiglieri... Consugly... Canolli... Robert Duvall.
+Everyone knows Fat Tony.
+So we're gonna plant you in the prison with a disguise and a new name.
+Can I be Johnny Undercover?
+That's a little obvious.
+Okay, Melvin Mafia.
+No, you will be known as Nicky "Blue Pants" Altosaxophony.
+Can I keep the name after I'm done?
+No. It belongs to the government.
+No ice cream available! Children stay away!
+Now pay attention. We're gonna move in on Fat Tony when he takes delivery on a shipment of Belgian guns. In your left sideburn is a fiber-optic camera. In your right, a wireless mic. To zoom in you go ayyyyy! To zoom out go ohhh!
+Ayyyy! Ohhhh! Ayyyy! Ohhhh!
+Fuhgetaboutit!
+That activates the auto-destruct.
+Dear Lord, watch over my sweet Homie while he's in the hoosegow.
+Keep him safe from shanks and shivs. Let him become rich in the jailyard currencies of cigarettes and dried fish...
+Uh, what's my name again?
+Okay, I'm comin'.
+I'd like a third helping, please.
+You do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons.
+Just get the ladle down there deep -- that's where the beaks are!
+Hey, you're that guy from the F.B.--
+Time to go to work. Stop licking my hand.
+There was barbecue sauce on it.
+Here's how it goes down: I rough up Louie. Then you stand up to me, earning his trust.
+But I haven't earned his trust if it's based on a lie.
+Enough of your dime store morality.
+What's a dime store?
+Blue pants power!
+Ow! Hey!
+Hey Nicky Blue, you're one tough yegg. If you come out of your beatin' in one piece, you and I should have a face-to-face.
+Beating? What beating?
+Oh. That beating.
+Don't worry. We're not gonna touch you. We'll make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks.
+Can I have any of the steaks?
+That's so mean!
+Whoa! I'm impressed over here with that guy over there.
+Please! Let me have it! Come on! Give it to me right in the mouth!
+Well... back in my keister you go.
+We brought someone to spring ya.
+Now let us escort you to freedom.
+How're you gonna do that?
+Let's just say this prison was built by mob construction workers.
+He's in.
+I was gonna say that.
+What's going on? I called the prison and they won't tell me where Homer is!
+Sorry, Marge, I can't tell ya.
+If it makes you feel better, I can tell you about someone else. Ooo, how 'bout Krusty in the drunk tank?
+If, if Jews control the media, why can't I get on Jimmy Kimmel, huh? Huh?!
+So, what do you think of the sauce?
+I detect a distinct lack of oregano.
+I'll take care of this.
+You carry oregano with you?
+Oregano, basil, rosemary...
+I think I got a ketchup packet for ya, boss!
+Did you order French fries and not use it?
+They gave me two packets but I only needed one!
+What other secrets are you hiding from me?
+I, I-I-I-I-I bring my own candy to the movie theater!
+You're a made man, my friend. / Hey, welcome!
+My beloved Anna Maria. I hope Heaven's powder room is painted that eggshell blue you could never achieve on Earth.
+Sorry, boss.
+No apology necessary. I am touched. You and me, Nicky, we feel. Legs, Louie, Jimmy the Axe, Tommy the Face Shooter -- they never share my grief.
+Yeah. Those guys are probably FBI informants.
+You think an informant could get that close to me?
+Oh yeah. I got in your gang and you barely know who I am.
+That is good counsel, indeed. You have earned my complete, unquestioning trust. But first, one little thing... you must make your bones.
+What are we doing here?
+I will tell you.
+When I call for my Russian business partner Yuri Nator, I don't expect to be screamed at like I was some ten-year-old punk making a prank call.
+Yuri Nator? Yuri Nator? Hey, my mouth is begging for a Yuri Nator.
+Be careful what you wish for!
+Why you! I'm gonna chop you into pieces and make you into a Rubik's cube, which I will never solve!
+Well, I guess I could tell him he could improve his phone etiquette.
+Tell him with fire!
+What's the matter, Nicky? You got a problem with this job?
+Oh no! No! I... was uh... just thinking how cheap this crime would have been in the seventies when gas was thirty-five cents a gallon.
+It was either this or put in a ladies room.
+Exquisite. As a reward, I've planned a little surprise for you.
+This is horrible! I keep smelling my own breath!
+Nicholas Blue Pants, you have shown great fazagabool in the face of overwhelming spoogatzagatini.
+Nicky, welcome to the family. From now on, you don't know where you end and we begin. Your problems are our problems.
+My neck is kind of itchy.
+Then all of our necks are itchy.
+Now that you mention it, it's itchy like crazy!
+Nicky, my friend, tonight is a big score I've been settin' up for months.
+Just you and me -- sharing it together.
+To heterosexual male friendship, the kind the Greeks wrote about.
+Here they are -- my Belgian guns.
+Belgian guns. I've been waiting half my life for this moment.
+All units, move in!
+Tony, you've gotta get outta here -- now!
+What? Why?
+Don't ask questions! Just go!
+What's gotten into you? You're as nervous as a cat when Johnny Kick-A-Cat walks into the room.
+Verlaat de vuurwapens op het dok En wij kunnen een Chimay bier drinken!
+Get a shot of Tony with the guns!
+Closer...
+Too close.
+Closer.
+Too close.
+Perfect.
+Wait a minute...
+How could you, Nicky?! I would have given you everything! In the strip club of my heart, you held the key to the champagne room! I loved you, man.
+He's dead.
+No! You're wrong! Check again!
+Fuhgetaboutit.
+Homer, I just want to say that of all the rat bastards we've had working for us, you were the snitchiest.
+So that's it! You used me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket?
+We didn't say you could use the blanket.
+And I'm not gonna shake your hand.
+Poor Tony. He didn't deserve this. He was just a soldier in a war he started.
+Homie, I know you had a terrible experience, but it's over.
+It's not over, Marge. It'll never be over. When I shut my eyes, all I see is Fat Tony and me having drinks at that bar on the beach.
+You never took me to that bar on the beach.
+Oh. Well, uh... you wouldn't like it. It's not very good.
+Sounds pretty good.
+No, no, I oversold it.
+I'd give anything to bring you back.
+Wake up, Homer.
+Fat Tony?
+No -- I'm his cousin from San Diego, Fit Tony.
+Wow, I've never seen a mobster use a tracksuit for exercising.
+And there's no better exercise than killing and disemboweling a big, fat snitch.
+I understand. I loved him too.
+Your tears seem in no way crocodilian.
+Do what you gotta do. The quicker you kill me up here, the quicker he can kill me down there.
+Join me on the elliptical machines.
+I will let you live for... twenty minutes.
+I worked for Fat Tony. And he was the best boss I ever had.
+Well. This is awkward.
+Wha-- oh, oh, uh, Mr. Burns? Uh, you were cool too.
+Oh, I so believe that.
+This is gonna be great! A real rumble! Just like in that movie where the Jets fought the Sharks!
+He took me to a fight that he fixed. But he never let on. Not even when I bet five hundred dollars on the wrong guy. Then he said he would dope a horse for me.
+Homer, it is time... to switch your elliptical machine to cool-down mode.
+Are you gonna kill me now? 'Cause I'm super ready.
+No. Because my cousin lives on in your memories. And to extinguish you, would be to whack what still remains of him.
+Wow, the killers have been kind to me... while the people who were supposed to protect me treated me like dirt! What kind of a world is this?
+It's pretty screwed-up. That's why I keep my friends close.
+And your enemies closer?
+No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me!
+Fit Tony took his cousin's place running the Springfield mob.
+The pressures got to him so he started to eat. Soon, he was known as "Fit Fat Tony," then just "Fat Tony" for short.
+And me? Now, I'm just an average shnook like everyone else.
+Stuck in this backwater burg where all you can count on is your family. And the only one who ever shot anyone is the baby.
+And I have to admit, it's a pretty good life.
+Dodgeball!
+We're down to our final four huckers -- three wily fourth graders and one scrappy fifth gradesman.
+To the death!
+Where do you want your ball mark? Face or belly?
+How about... in your dreams!
+I'm not the coach. There is no coach.
+I just wanted to see if you were wearing a bra.
+Your four eyes saw a lot today, Milhouse. What's the skinny?
+The fifth graders played a great game. They got a great program up there, great fans, but this was just our day. Whatever happens, they can never take away--
+The ball never touched the ground -- and I caught it!
+That means... fifth graders win!
+No way! / What a rip! / Mannn!
+Shut your gobs! I only took this refereeing job 'cause I was cold and needed a shirt!
+I hate you fifth graders!
+I deem this victory Pyrrhic.
+Pyr-rhic! Pyr-rhic!
+Your response is puerile.
+Puerile! Puerile!
+THERE GOES THE FIFTH GRADE / FLOATIN' DOWN THE DELAWARE / CHEWIN' ON THEIR UNDERWEAR / CAN'T AFFORD ANOTHER PAIR / TEN DAYS LATER / BITTEN BY A POLAR BEAR / THAT'S HOW THE POLAR BEAR DIED!
+How dare they dishonor the lyrics of "Old Grey Mare!" How dare they!
+Zach! Zach! Who did this to you?
+It was... it was... the fourth graders!
+I like to think my kids would know how to lose gracefully. In the fifth grade, we teach character.
+Mike, let's be adults here.
+You're right, Edna. Fourth sucks!
+Oh, that's it!
+Hey fourth graders, can you help us with our fractions? Oh wait, you can't.
+They ain't even read "Where The Red Fern Grows" yet!
+That's it! We challenge you to a rumble.
+Challenge accepted.
+Rumble it is. After school. Rain or shine.
+Anybody wanna wait for shine?
+Yeah. Shine. / Yeah. / Definitely shine.
+It's agreed -- no biting, no throwing rocks, no face farts, flying face farts, backdoor haircuts, 'nad noogies, moist Michaels, and absolutely no "Brazilian hardwood."
+Is this a rumble or a harvest dance?
+Okay, you want hardwood?
+No, no, no, no.
+Then let's do this thing!
+You know, if they do this regularly, maybe it could count as gym.
+Did you wear those same clothes yesterday?
+No, I have two identical sets of these clothes.
+I see, with a stain on the shirt in the exact same place?
+Things aren't good at home.
+Rumble!!!!!
+Why don't you head on home, pal?
+Bless you.
+Where'd you get that scar?
+Had it as long as I can remember. Why?
+You call that a scar? This is a scar.
+That's your bellybutton. Everybody's got one.
+I thought I was special!
+When did this happen?
+You sure none of you guys gave me this?
+I'm going through my bully logbook here, but I just don't see it.
+Don't be afraid to use your glasses.
+You shut up!
+January 9th -- whaled on Jimbo with this book. Awaiting results.
+Unqualified success.
+Why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower?
+Can't start the day without that fresh-from-the-circus feeling.
+Mom, do you have any idea how I got this scar?
+I was afraid this day would come.
+Ew, you're sitting on the toilet.
+When it's closed it's a chair! When you were little, I used to take you to a Mommy-and-Me toddler gym.
+You were friends with three other boys and I became close with their moms.
+But they were a bad influence on you.
+Ah, such an innocent time. Before cooties ravaged our community. How come we don't get together anymore?
+The Moms and I had a falling out, which was a shame. We had been such good friends.
+Whoa. You don't look like a mom, you look happy.
+We called ourselves "the Cool Moms."
+There's nothing cooler than calling yourself cool.
+Maybe we could get back together...
+Awesome! I'll get the white wine.
+You can't buy white wine!
+Why not? Are you having red meat?
+Are you through with the chair? I've got to do the taxes.
+It's all yours.
+Okay let's see, number of dependents: three. Um, add to line thirteen...
+Hm, better check last year's return.
+Seven years. A lot of memories. Talking, chatting...
+Remember how we used to reminisce?
+You know who was really happy to get back together: our husbands.
+Been a while since our wives got together, huh?
+Uhm. / Whatever. /
+Why are we getting together again? I was so happy when it stopped!
+Let's just shut up and get through this, all right?
+Homer, stop doing that.
+Ooh, I got a text!
+I got a text!
+Are you gonna open it?
+No, that page isn't optimized for cell phone u... why am I talking to you?
+Because you're my best friend in the room.
+Wow! We all have the same scar!
+So how'd you get yours?
+My Mom won't tell me.
+My Mom'll tell me how my dad is in bed, but not about this.
+Ever do a cold drop out of a treehouse?
+Only like every day.
+More like all day every day.
+Cowabungaaa--
+Check out my gnarly backwards foot!
+I said, "for the price of this coffee, I should've just flown to Brazil!"
+Anyone see a good beer commercial lately?
+Asinine. Everything you say is asinine.
+Those dudes were... intense.
+I'm glad you had fun, because we're all getting together next week.
+Great, great.
+Oh, and Homie, can you come home early from work tomorrow so I can have a girls' night out?
+Sure, I'll stay home and Skype with the guys at Moe's.
+Hey, how ya doin', Hom--
+Stupid Flanders' wi-fi!
+That wasn't the wi-fi. My Bell's Palsy's acting up.
+Yeah, it can be tough, but y'know I try to stay posit--
+I've been dying to try it.
+Marge, who are you cutting up that chicken for?
+The kids aren't here.
+Huh? Oh, myself, I guess.
+Who's kicking?
+No one. No one's kicking.
+Sorry, I'm just not used to everyone behaving.
+Oh Marge, if you don't have a life outside your kids, how do you expect to be happy?
+I've got a great idea: from now on, the four of us will get together every Tuesday.
+Go out on a Tuesday? Who am I, Charlie Sheen?
+Fine, I'll do it!
+Ion. Hmm... No. "Irene Ryan is TV's Granny."
+Thanks for the ride!
+This is late for Marge. I assume. I've never been home at this hour.
+Hey, Marge. Partaking of the grape, were we?
+Just a little Merloooot.
+You wanna stay up and talk a while? I'm not sleepy.
+And Anita's family rented a beach house, and guess what? They went to the beach every day!
+Great. That's great. But I have to get to work in the morning.
+But I don't want a beach house. Sand makes me sad. Because it used to be big rocks. But not anymore. Not anymore...
+It's kind of weird, us all being naked in here.
+We're not naked.
+Right... neither am I.
+Listen, any of you guys wanna play Old Maid?
+Don't be a wuss. We all did it.
+Chicken!
+If I do it, you're supposed to stop!
+Don't tell a chicken when to cluck.
+You're not the chicken, I'm the chicken!
+Chicken!
+Ooh, three!
+They dared me to see how many TV remotes I could stick in my mouth.
+We've got to stop Mom from going out with those women.
+Something drove them apart once before...
+And I bet it has something to do with this scar.
+I've seen this mark before... On you, every time you come in! I believe it had something to do with Comic Book Guy.
+Comic Book Guy! Thanks.
+Listen, are you gonna see him now? You can give him some news from me. Tell him it's the "worst prognosis ever."
+I knew this day would come. Although frankly, I thought it would have been a long time ago. You are very uncurious about your body.
+All right, Comic Book Guy, tell me my origin story.
+I will not relive the horror of that day! The answer is "no," and I can say it in Na'avi or Klingon, which are pretty much the same. I have some theories on that which I will share with you never!
+You leave me no choice. I hold in my hands a mint-condition copy of the legendary "Interesting Stories Number Twenty-Seven."
+Oh! Oh! The first appearance of Radioactive Man!
+And if you don't tell us what we want to know...
+How do I know that is not a cheap reprint?
+Are you willing to take that chance?
+No! No! No! I'll tell you what you want to know.
+Could we hurry this up? I am really uncomfortable being a girl in this store.
+Very well. I shall tell you what happened to you and your friends several years ago. But for you to understand it, I must go back a little further.
+Our story begins with the creation of Middle Earth, as recounted in the Ainulindalë and Valaquenta...
+Behold Melkor, proudest of the Ainu!
+Look pal, we've gotta speed this up.
+Fine. Children just want to know "what is," and not why it is.
+Your scar, like Tom Cruise's last good movie, was born on the Fourth of July.
+It was seven years ago... a time when "Twilight" meant the end of day and not the most barftastic horror franchise of all time.
+Earth's single sun was setting, and the Mayor began to speak...
+Even though most of this town collaborated with the British, and we are still in informal talks to return to their empire, we all love fireworks!
+Traditionally, the Fourth of July fireworks were operated by the person most likely to be sober and dateless. Once again, the honor fell to me.
+This is your TV for the year, kids.
+And the embers is your dinner.
+While I was busy tending to a critical matter of great delicacy...you and your diaper-wearing droogs ruined everything!
+And that is when the four of you each received the mark of the sword.
+Every Fourth of July I remember that fallen hero.
+God, how I miss you.
+So, what's the plan again?
+Hey, does Dad know you and the cool moms broke up?
+I go to see those other guys, we blow this junk up, once again Mom decides that they're a bad influence on me, and she stops seeing those women who make her so happy.
+What are you boys doing?
+Uh, we're doing a project on... uhhh... the subject of... something pertaining to... here it comes...
+Milhouse, I'm getting tired of waiting.
+Can I go home and think of a lie?
+Yes, you may.
+Mom, I'll admit it: I wanted to create a devastating explosion to get back my Mom.
+Bart, sweetie...
+I love you kids with all my heart, but dammit, I need something for myself!
+I made you a coffee mug on Mother's Day! Isn't that enough?
+It's close, but no.
+I could light these, but, it wouldn't be the same.
+Well, I've put it off, but today I'm finally getting this garage organized--
+Guess I'll put these tools away. Put 'em on hooks and stuff.
+So Bart... the little dickens... was gonna set off an explosion to break us up. Can you believe it?
+Actually, we can believe it.
+What are you talking about?
+Your son always was the bad apple of the bunch.
+You know nothing about my son and even less about apples.
+I remember why I left this group seven years ago, and it's why I'm leaving now! Good day, ladies.
+Well, since she's gone...
+/ C'mere, you.
+Sorry you broke up with your friends, Mom.
+I think they were never my friends... Maybe true friends aren't random people you meet at a Mommy and Me class. They're random people you meet in a college dorm.
+Maybe Lisa and I can be friends -- not with each other, but with you.
+Awww...
+Well... Homer got along so well with the other dads, I couldn't break it to him.
+Can we at least drink beer or something?
+Why do you keep trying to engage us?
+Hey-diddily-hi, Homer.
+Oh, you beautiful man.
+That feeling is Mutual of Omaha.
+God you're hilarious.
+Hey look, the late shift's leaving.
+I don't like those guys.
+Yeah, they think they're better than us just because their performance reviews reflect that fact.
+Oh no. I left a candy bar in my desk.
+That's funny, 'cause I found this candy bar in my desk.
+Time to punch in.
+Sir, the shifts are fighting like Iran and Iraq.
+Persia and Mesopotamia.
+Sign your full legal name here and your will shall be fully executed.
+Charles Montgomery Plantagenet... Schicklgruber... Burns.
+Sir, is that your will?
+It is. I know it's hard to see a young buck like me and think of a day when I'm no longer in the pink.
+We just need one more set of initials here. Quickly, now, we're almost through the half hour per day where you're mentally competent.
+And... demented.
+Yah! Yah!
+Yoink! Yah! Yah!
+A dinosaur!
+Hey, something's different about Moe's. There's no chicks here.
+There's never any chicks here.
+I, C. Montgomery Burns... hereby divide my estate in equal shares to The Yale University Department of Applied Evil; Gary from Gary's Trapdoor Installation and Repair; and finally, my faithful and constant companion...
+Your tortoise?!
+Yes, it always saddens me that you and Sheldon have never gotten along.
+Sir, how could you leave me out of your will? I'm your right-hand man, your guy Friday!
+Smithers, you are the campiest of my aides du camp, but I'm afraid my true admiration is reserved for the self-made man. No Steve Woz-ni-ak thee.
+So... you don't respect me?
+No, not until you earn it. Until then, I will never see you as my equal.
+Smithers... wait!
+Yes, sir?
+In case you didn't hear me, I said I will never see you as my equal.
+I heard you very clearly, sir.
+Excellent.
+Hm... Here's a place I can feel wanted.
+You, with the six-pack -- you're in! You, with the Ben Affleck chin and the Matt Damon everything else -- guess what? You're in!
+In, in, in, in your dreams.
+Oh, c'mon. I've had a rough day.
+With the buzz cut and the bow tie? This is a nightclub, not a John F. Kennedy cabinet meeting!
+Can I have a scotch and water?
+My scotch is a scotch and water.
+Business is slow, huh?
+Yeah. Frankly, I'm surprised you're not across the street where they drink for fun, instead of here, where, uh, horrible addiction compels you.
+They won't let me in -- no one wants an executive assistant who only works out six hours a day. If only this town had a "men's bar" for the average-looking fellow...
+No. But you can say you'll come with us.
+...True admiration... Self-made man... kill the other two heads... true admiration... self-made man... kill them before they suspect... suspect what?...
+Huh? Huh? Listen, what if I helped you turn this bar into a hangout for guys like me?
+Uh-huh...
+Just so it's clear what I'm proposing, the men I'm talking about are...
+Whoa, whoa, whoa! No offense, uh, but uh, I just ain't comfortable hanging around all night with, uh, y'know whatchamacallit... uh, swishkabobs.
+Yeah, right. It's too bad. Could have been fun. Could have made a little money.
+Thank you, but I am very happy with my clientele as they are.
+Hey, Moe! Two more for me and my buddy.
+That was my grandmother's wedding urinal! That's it. We are changing this place up.
+Whoa, check that out! / Stuff is getting' done! / Look at them renovations! / And... finished!
+After this, ain't no turning back.
+B-E. Four points.
+I challenge!
+Sorry, hobbits. It's back to the shire for you! Slam!
+Oh gentlemen, there is no need to head home so soon.
+Ew! Isn't that the place where all those rats committed suicide?
+Oh, it's totally different now. And it welcomes men with a few extra pounds or a little less hair.
+/ What a great idea!
+What about super-hairy Wonder Woman?
+No problem.
+Thank you for humoring me.
+So, uh, what would you gentlemen like? I mean, I know what you'd like, and hey, why wouldn't you like it? Oh, ain't being comfortable with something weird the best? I'm gonna pour some beers now.
+Somehow, there's more no chicks here than usual. Somethin's changed. There's a sense of acceptance in the air.
+Hey, what's that guy doing in the men's room?
+He's washing his hands.
+I am never gonna get that image out of my head.
+Look, I've turned this bar into every other kind of bar and it never worked.
+Total disaster. Complete bomb. Utter failure. Uh, dream I painted. And in this economy a man needs to find new customers while keeping his old best friends. So, whaddaya say?
+Hey, there's nothing against it in the bible.
+Wait a minute! Your standard markup is four hundred percent?
+Gimme that! Don't you dare question the gospel according to Dr. Swig McJigger. He's drinkin' his own brains.
+Children, I have an announcement. Today is my last day as your music teacher.
+Come on, pretend he meant something to you.
+Stay / Please! / Don't go! / Too soon! / Stay! /
+Oh, bless your little hearts. This is a happy thing. I met my soul mate at a local tavern.
+There he is!
+Awww...
+I'm not the soul mate! I'm dating one of your mothers, I forget whose. Anyway, I'm here to introduce your new music teacher, Ms. Juniper!
+Honey, just teach the one with the starfish head and you'll be okay.
+Teach? You can't teach music. You embrace music, oh, you inhale music, you roll around in a pile of music until the scent of music is on you forever!
+Mmm, good luck with that.
+Tick-tock, Dewey! Tanglewood beckons!
+Coming, Dewey! We're both named Dewey. Drum-roll, please!
+You know, this is the first time I've ever been at Moe's without that little voice in the back of my head saying "this is not a safe place to drink."
+Check out my tolerance, Marge. I'm going to use the men's room.
+Hey, I didn't know you were... uh... you know, one of those--
+I am not Comic Book Guy. I am his cousin, Comic Book Gay.
+But you do like comic books.
+Certain kinds.
+Oh honey, no one's gonna believe that wig is real.
+What do you mean, wig?
+And about that voice...
+What's wrong with her voice?
+Steve, is that you?
+I'm gonna knock you inside out.
+Doctor already did.
+Hey Moe! / Lookin' good! Mm-hmm!
+He is cute with a capital scrumptious.
+Uh, Moe... tomorrow's gay day at Krustyland... wanna come?
+Oh, oh, Grizzly Shawn, that's so nice of you to think of me. But... uh... the Tony Awards are that night and I'll be too keyed up to have fun.
+Maybe some other time.
+Moe, do these guys think you're one of them?
+Why would they think that?
+Oh, I love you, Neil Patrick Hairless.
+Huh. Maybe I should clear the air.
+Uh, excuse me, fellas. Excuse me. First of all... thank you. This bar was on its last legs. I was gonna have to move in with ma, who's dead and doesn't have a house. So, would not have been good.
+/ No, no, no.
+Now there's somethin' I gotta tell yez.
+If you tell 'em you're straight, they just might go somewhere else.
+All right, all right, good point. But, uh, let's hear from Angel Moe.
+I am Angel Moe.
+So, anyway, uh, what I wanted to say was... everybody vogue!
+Children, if I learned anything from my years as a groupie for the Dave Matthews Band, it was to listen. So now you listen... to the string quartet of birds, river, wind and...
+We haven't met... but something terrible has happened... You misfiled the... permission slips. You keep the green... I need the white...
+Hey, come back to Earth, Mr. Permission Man. You're all right.
+Strum... strum... strum...
+Well, sir, what do you think of my business?
+A splendid gentlemen's club. You've earned my respect.
+Hey, Smithers, I didn't know you were a geezer-pleaser. Havin' a "lemon party"?
+Ooh, a good old-fashioned lemon party! I call first squeeze!
+Sir, we are way past your bedtime.
+So Moe, you wanna go to a Grease sing-along? You can be the Doody to my Frenchie.
+Oh, yeah, oh, I'm so sorry, uh, but tonight I've got a long-overdue manscaping. But have fun! 'Cause you're the one that I want.
+Ooh, ooh, ooh.
+Pst. Moe, have you been telling the men here that you're... "one of them?"
+Hey, it's the bartender's job to agree with the customer. Now enough chitchat, I've gotta put up this new painting.
+A Tom of Shelbyville?
+Just relax there, Waylon. We got a great thing goin' on. Now we can afford real bowls of pretzels instead of trompe-l'oeil-ing 'em on the bar.
+Ah! Got one!
+What am I doin' here, Seymour? The thing I'm planning hasn't even gone off yet.
+That wasn't me and you're my alibi.
+Yes, well. I might have a crush on the music sub, Ms. Juniper.
+Leave with you? I'll have to check with mother.
+Simpson, here's my plan. Ms. Juniper is divorced, and her daughter Melody is in the third grade.
+Oh yeah, her. Classic space case.
+Well, if you took "space case" on a date... and brought me to chaperone along with her mother...
+I see how it is. You get a booty call and I get a cootie call. Well, it's gonna cost ya.
+How would you like two weeks of spring break?
+Triple spring break plus four weeks at Christmas.
+No, if... if the state finds out they'll shut us down!
+Okay, have fun dying alone.
+I can't believe I'm playing videogames with Bart Simpson. I've sketched you so many times in my dream journal.
+Great, baby. Get me some more tokens.
+Bart rides that board with the passion of an Arapaho ghost dancer.
+You know, passion has always been a passion of mine.
+Uh, something else about me is that I'm thinking of becoming an excellent cook.
+Dance with me.
+What? Here? Right next to the Nacho-cano?
+I like you, Seymour.
+You do? But why? I mean... but why?
+Sh! Words are your enemy, my love. Melody is staying at her father's tonight and, well, I can't dance by myself... although I do.
+Can you believe it?
+This is an outrage!
+This morning I was like ding-a-ling-a-ling. Now I'm like dong-dong-dong.
+Boys, relax, have a drink and tell Mama Moe all about it.
+The city won't let us march in the Springfield Founder's Parade.
+Well who needs 'em? We can have your own parade.
+We do. We have like twenty of them.
+But we're sick of being second-class citizens! Things will never change until one of us is on the town council.
+Moe should run! He's the heart of this town's gay community.
+Will you do it, Moe? Will you become Springfield's first openly-gay City Councilman?
+Well, I think if you guys can manage to go into the voting booth one at a time, then I can manage to win!
+Moe, can I discuss an inventory issue with you in the back room?
+You can't be these people's leader if you're lying to them about who you are. You're not gay!
+Whew! I thought it was an inventory issue. That's a big relief. Now don't worry, I'll let 'em down easy. In four years!
+Yes! Your queen is back!
+I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE / NOT LITERALLY / IT MEANS THAT I'M HAPPY / POST-COITALLY / IT WAS ON A SCHOOL NIGHT!
+Skin-ner! That song needed no lyrical improvement.
+Gary... Gary, you know what you need?
+A little... honey in your yogurt.
+Skin-ner! You're a regular Casanova. Or in English, "new house."
+Come on, come to life! I swear I'll be cool about it.
+Can I do a handstand against you?
+Melody, you're a great girl, but... I see you as more of a sister... and I don't like my sister.
+You're breaking up with me... upside down?!
+Raggedy Ann was so right about you!
+Thanks to you, Melody's mother is so upset, she's moving them out of town!
+Goodbye, Seymour. Think of me whenever you see a tattoo you don't understand.
+Calliope, is there anything I can say to make you stay?
+Seymour! I found a ticket stub for a James Bond movie in your pants! Explain yourself!
+Well, it, it, uh... took place in a country we teach about.
+Fibs break Jesus' ribs!
+Look, I don't know how long this will last. It could be a day. It could be the rest of our lives. But you'll never know unless you take this chance. Give yourself permission.
+Willie, you're principal now.
+Really? Who's the new groundskeeper?
+Also you, and you don't get more money.
+My name is Moe Szyslak, and I'm here to elect me!
+Hello, Moe.
+Hey there, well... it's my business partner, Mr. Smithers. Nice of you to drop by and not say nothin' that costs nobody no election.
+But Moe, how can you be their leader when you're not one of them?
+I am one of them! Hey, I only read Hustler to see the picture of Larry Flynt.
+Sounds great. But first, answer me this: do you find me attractive?
+Oh yeah, yeah. Like all gays, I'm attracted to all men.
+Most. Insidious. Stereotype. Ever.
+You're cute. You want to go out later?
+Whoever said that, yes.
+All right, if you're attracted to me... then kiss me, Moe.
+Okay, okay, uh... prepare to be kissed... here we go... giving in to my natural urges... okay, a few jumping jacks just to warm up...
+Okay, here comes the airplane...
+I'm sorry, everyone. Oh, this is the most embarrassing thing I ever had to say, but... I ain't gay.
+Everyone in that live studio audience is dead now.
+Oh, Moe! How could you lie about who you are when who we are is all we are?
+I didn't mean to. At first, I was only gay for your money. And, and I had real, deep feelings for that money. But then I felt accepted by you in a way that I'd never been before. I just wish you people could know what it's like to want acceptance. Well, so who you gonna vote for? Me? Or a republican whose record is so anti-gay, he's clearly secretly super gay.
+Now we don't know who to vote for, the liar or the denier!
+Once again the powers that be have spurned our request for basic human equality. Must not the heavens themselves cry with rage?!
+How did you do that?
+Classical training!
+I'm very sorry. I... I had to do what I thought was right.
+Well, long as I got nothin' to lose...
+Not bad. Like Frisbee golf, I'm glad I tried it once.
+What happened?
+Well, it could have been a day, it could have been the rest of my life.
+It was only a day.
+You've been gone for three months!
+Groovy.
+Puttin' everything back. Undo. Undo. Undo. Sports page back over the urinal, and done.
+Tonight on "Kent's Korrections," it has been brought to our attention that the word "correction" is actually spelled with a "C."
+We regret any confusion this may have caused.
+Lisa, mash the buttons till something good comes on.
+Welcome back to "Tube Town," the home of "Sheriff Wholesome..."
+Black President...
+Failed Geena Davis sitcom 1986...
+The Voiceover Years...
+"Hannigan, M.F.A...."
+But coming up now, the classic eighties sitcom: "Thicker Than Waters."
+You know candy's bad for your teeth.
+If it wasn't for candy, you'd be out of business.
+Share these with your friends.
+Dad, I need a new baseball glove.
+Oh no, not "the face."
+Life was so much easier when a machine told you when to laugh.
+I liked the producing, the executive producing and especially the co-producing. But the supervising producing was the best I've ever seen.
+So anyway, that's why me and Nana are "taking a break."
+Stupid cheap bike! To think I was gonna put fenders on you.
+Oh. My. God.
+I think I just met the thing I'm gonna die on.
+I gotta have that mini-bike!
+Oh my God!
+I've found my new look!
+Those are girl overalls.
+I could pull it off!
+Can I have it, Dad? Can I?
+Bart, son, if I bought you that bike, you wouldn't appreciate it.
+Because when you get anything you want, you don't want anything you get.
+What is this crap? Are you wearing a wire?
+Someday you'll understand that I'm just being a good dad.
+Are you kidding? You're the worst dad who ever lived! I'd rather take my chances in a hot car than go in a store with you!
+Why you little!!!
+Homer, a good father is strong enough that he doesn't need to use his strength. What Bart needs is for you to strangle him with your love.
+Hm. I never thought of fatherhood as something that could affect a kid.
+Son, I won't strangle you anymore, but I also won't get you that mini-bike.
+How 'bout this? I let you punch me in the face and you get me a snowmobile.
+Wish I could, son. I really wish I could.
+Now it's ready for garbage!
+What's wrong, Homie?
+Bart's mad because he wanted me to buy him something but I didn't think it was the right thing to do.
+Marge, not in front of the refrigerator.
+There's nothing sexier than a man being a good Dad. Whoa!
+Well in that case, Lisa was using her solar calculator yesterday so I opened the drapes to let in more sun.
+Just hope the kids didn't hear us.
+Well, maybe your kids didn't.
+Lis, I've gotta talk to you.
+I'm busy.
+Don't you minimize me!
+Fine. Just get in here.
+How can I earn money to buy the world's most awesome thing?
+You could deliver newspapers.
+Kids don't deliver newspapers anymore. It's just creeps in trucks.
+Maybe if you buckle down and get good grades, dad will give you money.
+Does he give you money for getting good grades?
+I've been doing the family's books for years. I take what I need.
+You were right, Dad. By not telling the teacher that Jimmy cheated on the French test, it's like I cheated.
+Well, as they say in Paris, "Ma voiture est pleine de crème glacée."
+You just said "My car is full of ice cream!"
+Dad, if I get an "A" on my math test, would that be worth some money?
+Well, in season two, when Sam got good grades, he got a very surprising reward.
+And if you do it, son, you'll get the same.
+There's no way that means anything other than I get a mini-bike. To the library!
+'Tis the playground ghost! I swear, I didn't mean to kill ya!
+It's me, Willie. Bart Simpson.
+Oh, oh, right. There's no such thing as a playground ghost.
+How could you mistake him for me?
+It was that sassy mouth that got ye killed in the first place.
+Coming up next on "Tube Town": he's in your face from outer space --"Upscalien!"
+THERE ONCE WAS AN ALIEN WHOSE MOTHER CALLED HIM TREY / FROM THE FANCIEST PLANET IN THE MILKY WAY / STOLE HIS DAD'S SHIP / TOOK IT FOR A TRIP / SAW LAKE ERIE ON HIS RADAR AND HE THOUGHT HE'D TAKE A DIP
+I did it! I got an "A"!
+That's great.
+Uh, Dad. If we could get to the reward...?
+Son, you already have your reward... the feeling of accomplishment you can only get from hard work.
+What the? I wanted a mini-bike! I told all my friends I was getting one!
+Well, if they care that much about whether you have a mini-bike, then they weren't really your friends.
+Yes they were! But now they won't be! Because I don't have a mini-bike!
+Hmm, if this were a TV show that would be a helluva act break.
+But it could use a button. Oh, what if I said... Well if you...
+We now return to "I Lost Lucy."
+Mrs. Carbuncle! I need you back at the bank. Robert Wagner is coming in to open a checking account.
+You still see that crow on shows sometimes.
+Coming up on Tube Town: the '80s classic "Supreme Courtney!"
+...according to the principle sublato fundamento, cadit opus, we need to look at Hargrove vs. the State of New York, in which the court firmly adhered to the...
+Stupid jerk. He owes me a mini-bike and I am going to get it.
+Hey, Apu.
+Mister Homer, you inadvertently left your nuclear plant security badge in the birthday card rack.
+Can't lose that. It's the best picture of me I have.
+Well, I am more concerned with global terrorism. America's enemies would give anything for your nuclear knowledge.
+Yeah, I do know a lot about nuclears.
+And America has so many enemies: Iran, Iraq, China, Mordor, the hoochies that laid low Tiger Woods, undesirable immigrants, by which I mean everyone that came after me... including my children...
+...so I'm offering to trade your country nuclear secrets for a mini-bike. Concludingly yours, Bart Simpson.
+Marge, would you like a "Thicker Than Waters" collectible plate?
+Homer, you can't order anything from that magazine. It's twenty-five years old.
+Oh yeah? I'll show you.
+"TV Guide Offer, One World Trade Center..."
+Um... well... of course you did!
+A gutter cleaning coupon?
+Hey, they're your gutters too.
+You must've found out about my letters. They were just a joke.
+Really? That's too bad. Because we are very interested in your offer.
+You're just lucky we picked you up before the F.B.I. got to you.
+Another disgrace for the French Bureau of Investigation!
+Don't forget us, the A-Team of Finland.
+Hurry before it gets dark!
+I pity the fool who messes with "B.A." Bäckström.
+We accept your offer. The secrets from your father's nuclear plant for one "Street Assassin mini-bike."
+Just transfer everything to this flash drive.
+I don't know... can I really betray my country? I say the pledge of allegiance every day.
+You pledge allegiance to the flag.
+And the flag is made in China!
+We return to "'Thicker Than Waters,' the E True Hollywood Story."
+Digby Sheridan, who played Patrick, had enormous problems with the show.
+Crap, total crap! You, writer, what's your name?
+Um... David Mamet.
+Well, Mr. Mamet, why don't you fucking learn how to fucking write a fucking script.
+Fuck, eh? I could use that.
+Dad, I was thinking about it and... you're right. You shouldn't buy me something I didn't earn. And because you gave me the tough love I didn't know I needed, I'm gonna be spending lots and lots more time with you.
+Awww...
+I love visiting you at work, Dad.
+And I love having you here, son. 'Cause you can wake me up if somebody comes.
+Check this out, Bart. One of those retinal scan dealies. It only opens to my eye or an exact copy.
+Let's see if this works.
+Damn, that hurt!
+I'll just use my eye.
+They will be if you're in 'em, pops.
+He's buying it!
+Aw, and they gave me my own vanity plate.
+You're gonna love meeting my friends.
+Where the hell did that come from?
+No! Why in the world would you get me this?
+Because you've been such a great kid lately and I wanted to show you I appreciated it.
+Oh. That's great. I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China?!
+Something wrong, Bart?
+You betrayed your country for no reason.
+Now you're gonna see stars and stripes forever!
+I've got summer squash!
+Hmm, the boy's acting really weird. I did everything that TV show told me to and he's still not happy.
+Well, maybe you shouldn't listen to a thirty-year-old TV show that only got on the air because the network had evidence that the president ran over a guy.
+Where is he going?
+Why on earth would a child go to the zoo...?
+It's still here! Yes! I get the flash drive back and the manila envelope.
+Aha! Typical American treachery!
+I can't believe a boy who would betray his country would betray a different country!
+Unbelievable! / Terrible!
+Masters, I can explain.
+Explain nothing. Hand over the flash drive.
+Then you leave us no choice.
+A teddy bear?
+A teddy bear made in China!
+Step away from the traitor!
+The boy's flash drive may be in there. But I've got a lifetime of nuclear secrets up here.
+Okay. But don't read our subtitles. Wǒ-men ké-yǐ zhǎo ge zhēn-zhèng de hé-zǐ zhuān-jiā lái a!
+Tā nà-me pàng, wǒ kàn tā děi zhàn liǎng-ge jī-wèi
+Rú-guǒ wǒ-men gěi tā mǎi-ge tóu-děng-cāng, tā hái ké-yǐ bǎ hǎo-chī de song-guò-lái gěi wǒ-men ne.
+Kě-shì wǒ-men néng xìn de guò tā huì bǎ hǎo-chī-de song-guò-lái ma?
+I know what you're saying! I understand food talk in every language!
+American fatso, your knowledge helped us build this plant. We would like you to have the honor of cutting the ceremonial ribbon.
+Um... I'll see myself out.
+Okay, who can take me to the airport for less than twenty dollars? I can stand here all day.
+My feet hurt.
+You know, Dad, I really did have a good time hanging out with you.
+Well, now it's time for the best kind of bonding -- sitting next to each other in silence, staring blankly at the TV.
+It's good enough! Let's go home.
+Rebecca, you briefly inspired the hairstyle called "The Lizzie." Is "The Lizzie" with us here tonight?
+I was clear with your people that I would not recreate "The Lizzie."
+Oh, but "The Lizzie" is here. "I shouldn't judge my prom date just because he's in a wheelchair. I should judge him by who he is in here." The family hugs.
+I slept with everyone in the cast, including the dog.
+To quote Matthew Perry from "Friends," "too much information." And to quote Dwayne from "What's happening," "Hey. Hey. Hey."
+Okay, now I'll translate that into "romance language."
+I don't want to talk about my Mom's hair.
+CHERISH THAT FAMILY SMILE / PICKET FENCE DAYS GO SOMETHING SOMETHING / THE FUTURE IS COMING SOON / MOM AND DAD AND KIDS ARE SOMMMMETHING That's my favorite song now. Sorry "Don't Fear the Reaper." Everybody! Air guitar! Come on, do it with me! Use your whammy bar! Whew! Now fuzz it up! Excellent!
+You know, I love our Valentine's Day tradition of going out with each others' sisters.
+Is there anything better than my best friend's face on a girl body?
+Not that I can think of!
+Nothin' better!
+Boy, I love Valentine's Day. Stir a drop of Jägermeister into some pink lemonade, slice in some strawberry Chapstick, call it "Cupid's Ambrosia," and you can charge up the wazoo.
+Now all you need are customers. Well, better get home to the little woman.
+Do you have plans for tonight?
+What are you, crazy? Of course I do. I got a hot date. C'mon, scram, so I can get ready!
+I'm tellin' ya, I'm fine. I've never been happier. See?
+That's a smile, right? Showin' teeth, eyes all crinkly.
+Stop opening doors!
+Coming up next on "World of War"...
+Hitler and Eva Braun: Crazy In Love.
+Even you let me down, Hitler.
+Hey, you! Spending Valentine's Day by yourself?
+If you're watching this alone, your love life is like "Sister Act 3": no Whoopi!
+I knew my love life was like that movie somehow.
+Well, I'm going to tell you my secrets right now...
+Oh, thank you, prior obligation!
+If "right now" means "tomorrow night at my seminar at the Springfield Airport Motor Lodge." So if you're ready to turn from couch potato to sex tornado, come and see me, Dr. Kissingher.
+Eh, what have I got to lose? They say for every man, somewhere on Earth there's one woman.
+Homer! We only have five minutes until the school bus comes.
+Drive my kids to school?! Never!
+Stupid double snuggler's hitch! Only hope is to chew off my leg.
+Ow! Ow! Huh, mmm, not bad. Just a hundred and twenty-seven more hours.
+My first gray hair!
+Oh Marge, don't worry, a lot of movie stars have gray hair, like all those women we loved in the eighties.
+Homie, you always mean to say the nicest things.
+Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time.
+Uh, excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up free escorts?
+Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.
+Well, I got excited for nothing.
+Gentlemen... prepare for the Potentate of the Potent Date. The know-it-all of the protocol of the booty call.
+Dr. Kiss-ing-her!
+Once, we were single-celled organisms who could replicate whenever we wanted.
+We were men back then!
+But today we need more help. Who's first? You, the guy who's been here since three this afternoon.
+It's hard to meet girls when you're paid in chickens.
+Okay, I'm a sexy girl. And research shows that my decision to sleep with you happens in the first six point five seconds. Go.
+Uh, my name's Willie, and all I do is get drunk and kill squirrels with me shovel.
+"Hi, I'm William. I'm a connoisseur of fine spirits, and I love animals to death.
+Do me next! Do me next!
+Yahhh! A monster! Save me! Sorry, that was unprofessional. Please, go on.
+Name's Moe Szyslak. As a kid, I had roundworm. Heck, I was more worm than boy for a couple of years. I dabbled in Satanism, until I was asked to leave. Oh, uh, and one month I ate nothing but aquarium fish.
+Your only hope is to use a wingman.
+What's a wingman?
+A wingman is a friend--
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, now I gotta find a friend?
+You need someone who's secretly on your side, making you look good to women. But he can't be more handsome or appealing than you.
+Okay, let's take a flip through the Moe-lodex. Bingo.
+That was a weird day.
+Sir, would you be my wingman?
+We could try it out this weekend at the "Faculty Follies" after-party.
+One thing -- what if there's a woman we both like?
+Well, we'll use the time-honored "I saw her first" rule.
+What if I see her hand at the same time you see her face?
+Face beats hand!
+So, after dinner I cut his hair and he readjusted my mortgage. That's what he does. And how was your Valentine's Day?
+Very romantic. Homer had the basketball game muted the whole time. Oh, and then I found a gray hair. No big deal.
+Marge... It's time I told you the truth. You've been grayer than a Seattle Cinco de Mayo for years now.
+Really?
+Yes, the dye not only colors your hair, but the fumes wipe the experience from your mind.
+Jimothy, Aquanetta, it's touch-up time! Gloves and foil, people! Let's go! Crinkle, crinkle.
+Oh, Janis, I'm so sorry, can we reschedule? It's a battle of the Blue and Gray and I'm Gaybraham Lincoln, baby.
+Oh, that's okay. I only needed a touchup. My husband and I can use the time to take a long romantic walk.
+She doesn't seem so worried about her gray hair.
+Oh, her self-confidence doesn't come from a bottle. Now, let's rub this toxic blue goo onto your scalp.
+Um-hm. Little of that. Mix it up...
+I brought home fried chicken...
+And a completely new hairstyle!
+A completely new hairstyle!
+So, what do you think?
+She wants an honest answer! What do we do?
+I don't know! I don't know!
+We could fake a stroke!
+The last time we faked a stroke, it led to a real one!
+We're running out of time, people! We need an answer! And it needs to be great!
+So... chicken.
+Well, what do you kids think of the real me?
+I love it. I know I use the word "empowering" a lot, but this time it really is that.
+I just have one question about hair. Where does mine start? Head, head, head, hair... where's the border?
+Oh my God, me too!
+What are we?!
+What do you think, Homie?
+Sweetie, you've always been beautiful, but now you're my silver belle. Let me get the camera we use for precious moments and insurance claims.
+What has she done?! I feel like I'm married to Richard Gere!
+I can't talk now, I'm talking to myself! No, no, Homer, go ahead. Thanks, Homer, it'll just be a minute. What's up?
+Hey wingman, you're supposed to be here like you promised.
+I can't take it. I'm just going to draw a hairline on.
+So basically, my job is to make you look good by comparison. Like West Virginia does for Virginia.
+The good doctor has just the prescription.
+"Jumping on the Grenade:" the wingman engages the less attractive friend, isolating the target.
+You ever notice that pizzas have gotten so small lately?
+They're like dimes!
+Yes, that's exactly it!
+Well, a girl could starve to death!
+Oh I know.
+Wow, your friend did something I could never do.
+What's that?
+Walk away from you.
+"Taking Down a Rival," aka "Talk Blocking."
+So Lenny, ever get that rebar out of your head?
+No, they just sawed off the ends and painted over the nubs. Hey, where you goin', baby?
+Oh no you don't.
+Nice talk-blocking. Would you be willing to wingman for me?
+Well, I don't know... it's a lot of work.
+I just ordered this bottomless pitcher of beer and circumference-less platter of nachos.
+Need some coolin' down, Hot Stuff?
+Kiss me, Double-O Seven.
+Good show, Mr. Bond.
+Help! My macaroni Marconi!
+Bart, what happened to your Mom's hair? Did she see something scary like that vampire on "Sesame Street?" They should warn you when he's coming.
+Right. It's just weird. Normally I think your mom is hot--
+Take that back!
+I'm sorry. What I mean is, she's not hot any more...
+Take that back!
+So moody! Just like my Mom on her "can't dance" days.
+Huh. Let's see what cousin Jessica's up to.
+There's a woman who's got it all under control.
+Marge, your hair -- it's fantastic!
+Well, thank you.
+No, thank you for your bravery!
+I hope I look half as good as you when I give up!
+Such audacity!
+Grandma had hair like that when she went to sleep in her forever box.
+You can't listen to those women, Mom. Change threatens them. They didn't like it when the Springfield Shopper started printing in color.
+Neither did I. I didn't want to know what color the Statue of Liberty was. But you know what? I was wrong. And these ladies are too.
+Ma'am, do you have any kind of a... discount card?
+What kind of card?
+Well, you know... maybe you belong to the A.A...
+The A.A.? No!
+Oh no, I meant the A.A.--
+A.A.A.? No, I'm not in triple-A. I don't like their "Westways" magazine. They'll give four diamonds to any place that's got a lid on the toilet.
+No, I meant the A.A... R...
+P?! The A.A.R.P.?! Well that tears it. I don't want this milk and I'm not gonna take it back.
+That's okay, we have a young man who does that for you.
+Right here, ma'am. Oh boy, a "put back!" I hope it takes me by the freezer section. Stick my head in the pizza case it's like a ski vacation! I can imagine the pepperonis are Swiss chalets nestled in a big layer of mozzarella snow!
+Bart, eyewitnesses to your fight described you as "berserkoid," "totally aggro," and said you punched Milhouse "like fifty billion times." That's an excessive number of times.
+What's bothering you, son?
+I... I don't want to talk about it.
+Thank God. I don't want to either.
+Remember, Bart, anything you say here is confidential.
+Can we close the door?
+Oh, there is no door. State regulations.
+Hey, Bart!
+Still freakin' out 'cause your Mom aged thirty years in a day?
+Don't judge them too harshly. They recently learned they were once two-thirds of conjoined triplets. And the third one is out for revenge. Now Bart, share your most intimate thoughts with me.
+I don't think I want to.
+Oh... Well, maybe it'd be easier for you to talk to my colleague Doctor Thera-bear.
+Well...
+Hold on. I'm not allowed in the room while you talk to the bear.
+All right, I know there's a camera in you somewhere.
+They never think to look behind the Jazz-Fest Poster.
+So it's true -- your hair committed blue-icide.
+I thought you'd be more supportive. I mean, you went gray yourselves.
+No, we didn't. This is just smoke and ash.
+So what does your husband, Vidal Baboon, think of the new look?
+He loves it! He calls me his "silver belle!"
+That means he hates it. If he really liked it he'd just paw at it instead of getting all clever.
+Why are you always trying to cause trouble with me and Homer? Our marriage is rock solid!
+So, do you think Homer is gonna be at Club Zipless tonight?
+I sure hope so.
+Oops, dropped my stirrer.
+Well, Marge. Ready to kick Homer to the curb?
+I can bend him like Beckham.
+Sorry, but I'm fighting for my man!
+Give me a double espresso to go.
+Ma'am are you sure that's wise, with what I presume is your heart condition?
+Woo! Go, granny, go!
+Aw jeez, she's comin' back!
+Run, bullies, run!
+Look out, chicks! The silver fox is coming to the hen house!
+I'm okay, I'm okay.
+Brambles!
+Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
+I'm looking for Homer Simpson.
+What, did he eat your candy house and push you into the oven?
+Odd, that's what the valet just asked me.
+How ya doin'?
+Nice to see ya. Life is good?
+Can't complain.
+Can't or won't?
+You just crossed a line, pally.
+Oh Homer, I've never seen a drunk hold his vomit like you.
+I do keep it together.
+Uh-oh. Usually when it gets this quiet Mr. Burns is standing behind me.
+Actually, I'm standing in front of you.
+I decided to hit the local nighteries with my trusted wingman.
+I flew the first packet of royal mail across the Khyber Pass, dodging the poison-tipped spears of the dreaded Zim-Zam Tribe.
+So, which of you wants to be the sliced haddock in a geezer sandwich?
+There's a lot of beefcake on the grill tonight.
+Get your hands off my husband!
+This is a situation I call "The Doctor Is Out."
+Marge? What are you doing here? This bar is for singles and wingmen only.
+That's your wife?
+Do you see her as we see her?
+Marge, Marge, put down that broom. You've got nothing to be afraid of from them. I'm a wingman. Part of a great tradition including Val Kilmer from "Top Gun," Wedge Antilles from "Star Wars," and me, from now. And you know why I'm a great wingman? Because I have the confidence that comes from knowing I get to go home to you.
+And you know what else this whole experience has taught me?
+True beauty isn't about hair color?
+Probably.
+But be honest, when I say "beautiful woman," what pops into your head?
+Well, I guess I do have a "type."
+Mom, your choice to go back to blue is so empowering.
+But you said going from blue to gray was empowering.
+Well, as a feminist, virtually anything a woman does is empowering.
+Is my job creating power, empowering?
+No. It's oddly dehumanizing.
+Hey Dad, did you color your hair too?
+Only my hairdresser knows for sure.
+Oh hello, young man! Where's your father?
+He's dying in a retirement home. Now kiss me.
+Lao ren, gei wo ni de maoze.
+Danshi, wo xu yao tou maoze dang tai yang.
+Wo zhe daole.
+Jin ru si.
+Zui da wu qi shi lian min.
+Xie xie xi fu. Ni gei wo zi you, bu fu chou nuli zhidu.
+Bai chi.
+So, the family's still gone. What do I do now?
+Let's get this party started.
+Bart's been alone for twenty-three minutes! Let's get this yo on the road, people!
+Wait! I haven't chosen my mix-in!
+Okay... I'll take some of... that.
+Well that's my tip jar!
+Mix it in.
+Whoa, mama!
+Let me freshen that up for ya.
+I love Saturdays!
+I'm gonna kill ya, boy!
+I'm bored.
+That's it, boy! I'm eating your yogurt!
+You ate his yogurt in the car.
+He didn't know that!
+Stupid kid. All you do is cost me money. Money I could be wasting!
+Is Bart Simpson here? Because I'm about to make him and his family very wealthy!
+Wealthy? Hey, remember the guy who drove you to school that one time. Eh?
+I should introduce myself. My name is Herman Millwood, and my company makes...
+...the "Aero" chair.
+The most comfortable ergonomic chair there is.
+So, what brings you here, Mr. Chair?
+Bart, do you remember this?
+That's "Angry Dad"! The semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created!
+I legally forced him to say "semi".
+The multi-million-dollar internet startup that put "Angry Dad" on the net ordered a lot of my chairs...
+...but when the tech bubble popped...
+...the chairs were never paid for, so we repossessed the only thing they had left -- the cartoons: "Space Penis," "Geena Davis Internet Project 1999," "John Stankworth, Fart Detective," "The Adventures Of Parody Man..."
+...and most importantly, "Angry Dad." Because now I want to make it into a movie.
+My stupid cartoon a movie? Thank you!
+Don't thank me, thank Hollywood for being completely out of good ideas.
+My little Roman Polanski!
+What?! What's wrong with being Roman Polanski?
+He what?...
+You monster!
+Thanks for letting me make this movie, Mr. Millwood! I've always loved cartoons, going way back to the real early SpongeBobs.
+Well, I think your movie has real potential. Everyone has an angry dad, even me.
+What the hell are you making chairs for? In this family, we sit on the ground!
+Now Bart, this is where we will help bring your vision to life.
+Oh my God, that's Bart Simpson!
+And Angry Dad himself!
+It's like meeting Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney at the same time!
+Mr. Simpson, I'm in charge of the team that animates your ass...
+Anything you can give us from real life?
+Observe.
+No thanks.
+More for me.
+Bart, we've got some bad news -- the actor who did the original voice of Angry Dad can't do the movie. He blew out his voice screaming about how he never got paid the first time around.
+Oh, man. What can we do?
+Well, the cartoon's based on your dad -- maybe he can do the voice. Can he get angry on cue?
+Hey Homer! You want to be the voice of Angry Dad?
+It would be an honor!
+Thanks for coming out -- one announcement: the voice of Angry Dad will be on a speakerphone today.
+There's something going on at the nuclear plant that's a little more important that your "table read."
+"'Angry Dad: The Movie.' "Angry Dad addresses the family from the top of the stairs."
+"Family, today I graduate from my anger management class."
+Angry Dad slips and crashes down the stairs.
+Pained noises.
+No Dad, don't say "pained noises," you make pained noises.
+Oh okay, uh, Lenny, hit me with that chair.
+Hi, everyone. I'm Bart Simpson, the creator of "Angry Dad." To make this film, I had to miss countless hours of school, and there was also some hardship. I hope you like it as much as I do.
+The movie!
+What did they think?
+Well, let's not jump to conclusions. We'll look at the tape of the audience watching the movie.
+Now comes the part where the movie actually starts.
+For God's sake, turn it off! Turn it offfff!
+Don't feel bad, boy. Everyone makes mistakes. Yours is just public and expensive.
+You know, your movie's not all bad. If you cut out the stuff that didn't work, it would make a great short film.
+A short film?
+Many great directors, like Wes Anderson, Frank Tashlin, and Tim Burton started with short films.
+Name one more.
+Taylor Hackford.
+I don't know who that is, but I'm convinced. Let's start cutting.
+Buon Giorno! Where is-a the Bart Simpson?
+I am the Bart.
+Bravissimo! You know me as Luigi the spaghetti guy, but I am here in my capacity as a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Your animated short, "Angry Dad" or, as we call it in the Pizza English, "Papa Apoplectic-a", she has-a been nominated for a Golden Globe.
+Now if you'll excuse me, I have-a some unhappy news to deliver to Sir Anthony Hopkins.
+Sir Anthony! Your pizza! She's-a gonna be late!
+Damn you. Damn you to Hell!
+The creative team from Mixar! Pardon me. I've seen all of your movies except "Cars," and I can't believe my brother is in the same category as the digital Rembrandts of my generation!
+So... that makes your brother the competition.
+Randy, tell her how we feel about that.
+YOU'VE GOT AN EN-E-MY / YOU'VE GOT AN EN-E-MY / YOU BETTER HAVE NINE LIVES / BECAUSE WE HAVE EIGHT KNIVES / YES, YOU'VE GOT AN EN-E-MY. / YOU'VE GOT AN EN-E-MY. HATE YOUR GUTS
+Hi. Yeah, it is me, Ricky Gervais. Uh, Tanqueray gin and tonic, please. I'm paid to drink that in my movies. The amount isn't important. A lot to you, but to be honest, not so much to me.
+Ah, okay, you missed it, but I just put a tip in there. A big one. Double digits. Ten. The lowest of the double digits. But nevertheless, ten dollars, so, a lot of money... to you. Less to me. Uh, but ten dollars, nonetheless. Look at it.
+The ten? That was there before.
+It was not! Who else in here's gonna tip ten dollars? Keith Urban, Helen Mirren? I don't think so. They don't have the common touch, do they? Like me. You've seen that. We've bonded, you're thinking "Wow, he's rich, he's famous, he's got great abs." Personal trainer, you couldn't afford that. I used to be fat. I used to eat junk food. You probably still do. But you're going "Wow, look at him. How much did that suit cost him?" Nothing. I got it for free. That's what happens when you're a celebrity. Helen! Helen! She can't hear me. Helen--Mirren! Who does she think she is? Fur coat, no knickers. Anyway, mate, your ice is dripping.
+And now, to present the Golden Globe for Best Animated Short...
+Russell Brand!
+It's great to be here with all the old friends I haven't seen since rehab. No, no, I'm just kidding -- none of you are my friends. And now the nominees for Best Animated Short: "The Brothers Of Beauville."
+Saakashvili Spring.
+"Condiments" by Mixar...and Angry Dad.
+Woo hoo!
+And the globe goes to: "Angry Dad"!
+I have many people to thank...
+Angry Dad's voice is part Walter Matthau... Hey, Felix!... part Little Richard Whoooo! ...and a little bit of Snoopy when he cries.
+This is insane! He didn't show up for work, he bad-mouthed the movie on Jimmy Fallon, and now he's hoggin' all the credit!
+Don't worry, sweetie, this is just the first of way too many awards shows. You'll get your chance to say ridiculous things.
+My category comes up pretty soon. I'm home free as long as this Oscar show is tight and fast-paced.
+Sound mixers may not be glamorous, but they make us sound so good.
+I'd like to thank Mr. Speedy Pants Repair for sewing up my pants just before the ceremony...and the woman who has inspired me everyday for the past twenty-five years... the cute one from the Bangles. See you at the cool party!
+'Old on -- I'm 'earing my 'etainer.
+Angry Dad got an Oscar nomination?!
+I'M GOING TO THE OS-CARS! NOT AS A SEAT FILL-ER! I'LL GET A GIFT BAS-KET! BUT I WON'T DE-CLARE IT!
+Hey! Don't you know it's awards season? Who's calling you at five in the morning anyway?
+Uh... nobody. Wrong number.
+If I find out it's a right number, you're in big trouble.
+It's Bart Simpson, writer-director of "Angry Dad," and you are with...
+My lame-o sister, Lisa.
+And Lisa, who are you wearing?
+I believe it's from Lamps Plus.
+And where's the "Angry Dad" himself? Where's Homer Simpson?
+Homer? Well, I don't know. L.A.'s a world-class city with a lot to offer. He's probably enjoying the sights...
+Yo, yo, yo! Why you messin' with Simon Rodia's folk art masterpiece?
+Check it out, that's Angry Dad!
+Say, why ain't you at the Oscars, A.D.?
+Oscars? What are you talking about? My son gave me this list of awesome things to do in L.A.
+Chatsworth?! That's where the one-eighteen meets Topanga Canyon, fool!
+Someone must not want you at that kudo-cast, yo!
+Damn, Home-Simp -- you've been Oscar-blocked! What do you think about that, Nasty J?
+That's cold.
+Hmm... Who could possibly want to stop me from accepting an award?
+Without them we'd be up a creek without a decibel.
+No worries, A.D., we'll get you to your venue and pick up some dim sum on the way. According to this live blog, Ben Stiller and Jack Black are doing a bit that will not end.
+Turn it off! Turn it off! For God's sake, turn it off!
+And now please welcome, Academy Award winner Halle Berry!
+When most people think of animated movies, they think of forty minutes or more. But there is another type of animated film -- forty minutes or less!
+Conductor, get ready to play my song!
+And the winner is... not going to be announced until we watch a lengthy clip from each short. "Condiments" by Mixar.
+The Tabasco brothers got Frenchie! We're gonna have to... leave the kitchen.
+I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!
+Wake me for the syrupy ending.
+Timmy's comin'! Assume your positions!
+My God! I'm empty! Don't let 'em... put pencils in me.
+Thanks, Rollin' Eighties.
+Hey, you two are honorary members for life.
+That means if another gang sees you, they'll kill you.
+I was born a Rollin' Eighty, and I'll die a Rollin' Eighty.
+"Willis and Crumble in 'Better Gnomes And Gardens'".
+Not to worry, Miss Pennyfarthing. Crumble will soon have your garden gnomes back in tip-top condition.
+He's good as new! You must come in for a spot of tea and a homemade marmite sandwich.
+Homemade marmite, and made by a woman with such gentle hands...
+Crumble! Crumble! Where has that silly dog got to?
+Good luck, Mr. Park. There'd be no shame in losing to you.
+Oh, that's very sweet of you. Thank you for saying so.
+No worries. I'll just stick them back on.
+I'm more clay than man now.
+And finally... "Angry Dad."
+No free refills.
+Damn, that's good!
+And for Best Animated Short, the Oscar goes to... wait, one last moment about me... every night I dream my teeth fly out of my mouth. "Angry Dad"!
+This is it... I finally get to accept an award for my movie...except it's not just my movie. It was my sister's idea to make this into a short. And so many animators... every day was somebody's birthday. And you know what? It was my Dad's movie too. I only wish he were here and not at Cerritos Auto Square.
+You got your wish, boy. I'm proud of ya. I'm sorry I took all the credit.
+This whole thing is silly. I mean, isn't the idea of one person taking credit for an entire movie the stupidest thing you ever heard?
+You make a lot of good points, Bart. A lot of good points. You're a very thoughtful kid, you remind me of Deborah Kerr in "Black Narcissus." Anyway, granted, despite what André Bazin might say, films are a collaborative art form, but, hey, you can't give an Oscar to everyone.
+We can still order a replacement from the academy, right?
+Hey, they're like five bucks on eBay.
+Oh, hi! Ricky Gervais, umm such an honor to meet you, Sir Ridley. I love your movies. Or as I call them, "films." Umm, glad I bumped into you, actually. Because, uh, I'm looking to expand beyond comedy. I know what you're thinking, Sir Ridley. You're thinking "Oh my word, he's been making me laugh all these years, but now he's moving me as well. I'm gonna have to put him in my new film. What do you think?
+I'm a seat filler.
+This next move is tricky.
+Well why couldn't you have said that a minute ago? Don't take any of my ideas.
+Hey, this place was one of the planets on "Star Trek!"
+It's so hot I want to wedgie the sun!
+I wet my arm-pants!
+Children, I hope we all have a pleasant and orderly day here at "Satan's Anvil." No one knows why the early settlers called it that, and I suppose we never will.
+Now remember to stay hydrated, and--
+Rattlesnake!
+Ha! You fall for that every year, Seymour.
+And the one year I didn't, I was bitten by an actual rattlesnake.
+Yes, if I recall, you took a sick day you did not have.
+I was gonna lose my foot.
+Of which you have two.
+Greetings, desert dwellers!
+Git out! The second we let one trespasser on our land, then every goldang--
+Aw, for crying out... It's like Grand Central Station around here!
+Now Delbert, be nice. He's just a boy.
+Oh sure! First they send a boy... then a prairie dog... then they send in them black helicopters.
+Sir, you have won a National Endowment For The Arts grant for your scrap-metal sculptures!
+You'll have to put that check in my cold dead hands!
+This park's environment has been preserved free of invasive species, except for one -- rock climbers.
+Uh, my jaw is not a toe-hold!
+But if I reach your summit, I'll have climbed rangers on seven continents!
+Oh, I sprained my ankle! I'm gonna die up here!
+Hang on, I'm comin' up for ya.
+Oh my God! The legends are true!
+Did you find gold?
+Better -- the prospectors left naughty French postcards!
+Whoa, mama.
+Bart, this is fool's porn! I'll take it off your hands.
+C'est si bon! Si bon! Si bon! ...Aaand remorse.
+"While beautiful, the desert also harbors hidden dangers: cacti, poisonous snakes, and most deadly of all--
+Scorpions!"
+They calm down when they're near the Springfield Silvertongues!
+Now they're aggressive again! I'm sure there's a correlation, but could there be a... causation?
+These flowers saved me from a terrible fate -- not getting an "A" on my next science project!
+Lisa, we have to go. Milhouse found a hippie skeleton and he's freaking out.
+Never get off the bus!
+Never get off the bus!
+Check it out, something pathetic's goin' on.
+You can't throw me out! I'm not dead yet! That's the deal, man!
+I'm sorry, Abe, but you're just too cranky.
+I got a right to be cranky! The food stinks and the TV's only got one channel!
+That's a fish tank.
+You're a fish tank!
+That is so hurtful.
+Wish I was a fish tank. Then I could filter out his nasty words. Call me a fish tank...
+Just go, Abe.
+That doesn't seem fair -- they won't let him escape, then they kick him out. I wonder where he'll go.
+Either the grave or somewhere much worse.
+Sour cream and chives? In my day, all we put on potatoes was pine needles and barber hair! I hate this century!
+Okay, we're gonna take turns having Grampa as a roommate. Who wants to go first?
+Me! Me! I want him every night, and forever and ever! 'Cause I love my--
+Nose in a funny book, how rude! Ain't ya never heard of conversation?
+Fine. How's it goin'?
+Terrible -- I got this new roommate and he won't stop yappin'!
+Here's an experiment for ya: find a man who wants to marry a lady Poindexter!
+Hey! You call that making love?!
+Homer, I told you he wouldn't sleep through it.
+In my day women didn't make a sound!
+This calls for some Springfield Silvertongue!
+Dad, look! This essence of a wildflower makes these angry scorpions docile!
+That's great, honey. If you were a boy, you'd be a scientist.
+Back off, ya mutt!
+Or I'll make dog-head soup outta ya!
+Hmm, if it works on nasty scorpions, then maybe... it'll work on nasty stains!
+It does!
+And there's something else it might be good for.
+Why are you guys eating so fast?
+Trying to get out of here before Grampa wakes up.
+That's him!
+Mom, quick! Our lunches!
+Go! Save yourselves!
+Good mornin', family! It's such a beautiful day, I thought I'd take my little friend here for a walk.
+Abe? Are you feeling all right?
+Never better. The sun is shining, there's a spring in my slippers, and my wonderful son woke me up with a delicious cup of coffee.
+Dad, is there anything unusual in Grampa's coffee?
+Uh, you look tense. Let's discuss this over a cup of Grampa's coffee.
+Here ya go, champ! Go buy yourself some rock-and-roll records.
+To the antique store!
+Now, what can I do for you? Eat something green? Vote for someone brown?
+Dad! I know what you did!
+And I locked the back door!
+...and that's why you're acting so sweet and kind. Because Dad drugged you!
+Oh thank you, thank you!
+Your kisses feel like raw liver.
+But it's not real happiness. It's just because of an untested drug!
+So what? There are no guarantees in life! We don't know if this... knife is safe!
+Turns out it's not. The point is, when I'm cranky, nobody likes me, sweet pea. Let me live as a happy man for my remaining thirty years.
+Come on, come on, make with the laffy juice! I wanna take Grampa to have his bellybutton pierced.
+I could hang my Purple Heart from it! YA DA DEE DEE DEE LA DA DA DA DA DA DA...
+It was wrong of me to play goddess!
+Everything everyone just said is either obvious or wrong!
+Homer, do somethin' about your dad. He's casting a pall over this grim dungeon full of losers.
+Pfft, dungeon. We can leave any time we want.
+Homer, why don't you just make some more of the serum yourself?
+Oh, because Lisa won't tell me what flower it's from.
+Excuse me...
+My name is Walther Hotenhoffer and I'm in the pharmaceutical business.
+I was wonderin' when that guy was gonna state his name and occupation.
+Quiet. Sir, has your daughter found a drug that renders old people tolerable to us normals?
+Yeah. But Lisa won't tell me how to make it.
+Lisa is irrelevant.
+You better elaborate!
+All I need is one drop of extract, and I can synthesize the drug at my plant. But where do I find that drop?...
+Nein... nein... nein... nein... ah-ha!
+Not so fast, Fritz! Before you waltz off with my Grampa grease, I wanna know, what did you do during the war?
+World War Two? I wasn't born yet.
+Funny how many Germans say that these days.
+From that one droplet, I have synthesized fifty different compounds. Please identify the one that is ausgezeichnet.
+Nothing! Nothing! Can't feel my fingers! Feel them too much. Erection! Derection! I smell music! Oh, this'll never work... but when you're doin' it with people you love, you just can't help smilin'.
+Jawohl! I've isolated the molecule!
+Now we test him.
+How do you feel about the high salaries of today's baseball players?
+Oh, don't get me started on that one. They're just plain better than the greats of my day. God bless them, and their refusal to learn English.
+Huh? This one didn't make me feel anything.
+These are my "Suitcase Suzies," who will use their beauty and free giveaways to make sure our drug is prescribed.
+Cool! Are they robots?
+No, robots can develop human feeling.
+We're graduates of Arizona State!
+We scoop them up by the sorority.
+Uh... this is the nerd fraternity.
+Drop them in research.
+Thank you for the tour of your factory, Mister Wonka.
+I am not Willy Wonka!
+No, no. You're Augustus Gloop, the fat German boy!
+Yah, it is true, I am Gloop. Being stuck in that tube changed me in so many ways.
+Gentlemen, we've been doing a lot of funny things today, but now I must be scary.
+Go ahead.
+Here is the prototype of our pill.
+Grampapa, no one but you should take this drug until it has been through rigorous trials. Be careful -- if the wrong hands got hold of it, a fortune could be made by selling this drug on the black market.
+Hm, wrong hands, eh? That's your cue, boys.
+You sell drugs -- Why can't you dress like that?
+Because I use them too, idiot.
+No wonder you've still got pimples at your age.
+You got all this candy in your desk.
+They're Tums, for my acid reflux.
+Even your acid wants outta you!
+I've got something you can stuff in that old bag.
+Accursed tide! Flee from my wrath!
+No! I've been moistened!
+I've got some stuff to put a smile on that corpse.
+Don't player hate. I'm just a businessboy.
+All right, Bart. What are you up to now?
+Now that's what I call a fishin' trip!
+Why you little!
+That's what I was gonna call it!
+Wait, I can't go in there grinnin' like a Swede on payday -- it'll rile up poor Lisa if she knows I'm still poppin' that smiley-pill.
+Oh yeah -- we better "grump it up."
+Three dollars for a cup of coffee?! In my day it cost you a dime and they gave you back a quarter!
+And another thing-- the uh--
+It's okay, Grampa -- you don't have to act grumpy. I know you're taking the drug, and I don't mind -- because you're happy.
+Thanks, sweetie.
+I'm sorry I was so stubborn. I hope you're not mad.
+Oh, I ain't mad, and I never will be again -- thanks to your wonderful, wonderful...
+Let me finish: thanks to your wonderful, wonderful drug.
+It happened to the scorpions too! The flower essence must have the side effect of lubricating the eye sockets to the point of popping.
+More saline please!
+At some point I think we should see a doctor.
+No, it's cool -- it's like we've got our own monster!
+Your grandfather is not a monster.
+Now, let's chain him in the basement until the circus gets to town.
+Sounds good!
+At least no one else has taken this drug.
+Bart, why are you tugging on your collar?
+It better be tonsillitis.
+Well, actually... I may have accidentally traded a few of those pills, for money...
+...which I may have already spent, ironically, on these novelty eyeglasses.
+Howdy, handsome!
+Who loves mommy's eyeballs? Oh there's a kitty gonna sleep good tonight! Yes you are!
+So, I guess we're all in the same boat, huh?
+Nein, nein. My boat is me and hundreds of lawyers. Your boat has you and a lot of people with their eyes falling out.
+Walther, when a man puts something on a Frisbee, he should stand by it.
+You are right -- as always, the Frisbee is the mirror to the soul.
+Mr. Hotenhoffer, there's a mob outside.
+An angry mob?
+No, a cheerful mob.
+I'd like to have just one day when I don't put a gun to my head.
+Now, I ain't much for speeches...
+But we sure do appreciate what you done for us, and we were just hopin' we could get more of that drug. Lots more!
+Those poor googly-eyed fools. I cannot exploit them like this. I will have to be content exploiting their fear of losing hair and penis. I will destroy the drug.
+/ What? Well I never!
+Walther, let's not be so hasty. Who would begrudge them a few years of shambling, dope-fogged, into the grave? Besides, our generation's got everything under control! Now, if you'll excuse me, I was supposed to be drunk an hour ago. To Moe's!
+Flat tire? No problem!
+Homer, use your head. Just buy a new car!
+Great idea, but I don't have any money.
+You could take out a loan with your house as collateral.
+And I wouldn't have to pay it back for three more years! What are the odds of that much time happening?
+Pretty close to zero, I'd say.
+Problem solved. Generation awesome does it again!
+All right, you googly-eyed geezers, turn up your hearing aids -- I've got something to say.
+The eight hundred million dollar boondoggle based on nothing more than a cute play on words.
+Together, we survived the Depression, won a few wars, and put a man on the moon. In fact, the only mistake our generation made was creating that generation.
+If we want to set these bumblers straight it's going to take all the crankiness we can muster. So put down those pills, pop in your eyeballs, and "upside-down" them smiles!
+Their "can-do" will bail out our "won't-try" every time!
+So I guess the lesson here is...
+If you go on a field trip, don't break off from the group.
+And if you are a fat little boy in a chocolate factory, never try to drink from the river. The tube! My God! Every night I see the tube!
+...the Queen will be held without bail, until the sample is returned from the lab. And now, it's time for "That's Kent-ertainment!"
+Here's a story that gives new meaning to the words "puff piece:"
+Springfield natives Cheech and Chong are returning in triumph for a reunion show!
+Cheech and Chong are coming back to Springfield?
+Cheech and Chong are from Springfield?
+Lucy and Desi are getting a divorce?
+Before they formed their "joint" partnership, Tommy Chong and Richard "Cheech" Marin briefly worked as Channel 6 meteorologists...
+Tomorrow, a high pressure front brings a strong possibility of drizzle...
+Then, the doobie of destiny changed their lives forever, when police burned marijuana seized from the Buddy Rich Orchestra in a nearby lot...
+So, y'know, uh, check your barometer, thermometer, anemometer... Why does everything have to have an "ometer" on it?
+And what is rain, man? It's like we're in the apartment under God, and his fat sister overflowed the tub.
+The duo's herbal ha-has led to a series of successful albums, concerts, movies, and "Nash Bridges." Now, these homegrown heroes will kick off their summer tour at Squidport's new Amphitheatre -- the Clamphitheater.
+Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
+Bart, Cheech and Chong were the Beavis and Butthead of their day!
+Who are Beavis and Butthead?
+I've failed as a parent. I swore the day my son was born he would appreciate stoner comedy. To the media room!
+Open up. It's the police.
+Oh man, I gotta get rid of my grass!
+He's flushing his pot down the toilet unnecessarily!
+Back then we'd play these albums again and again till they were filled with skips and clicks and pops. Which was about three times.
+These are comedy albums?
+The Noisy Minority... The Upside-Down Bubblegum Collective... The Regional Lampoon... The Plymouth Grok Experiment... Fro And Flo... Allan Sherman's Helter Shmelter...
+What are you guys doing up there?
+Hide the dope!
+We don't have any dope.
+Then what did I just smoke?
+Lou, I want you to confiscate these brownies.
+There's no drugs in these brownies.
+I said confiscate!
+Uh, also confiscate me a t-shirt, uh, triple-X-L.
+I thought you said double-X-L was a real wakeup call.
+That was for pants.
+Ladies and gentlemen: Krusty the Clown!
+Thank you. When they asked me to introduce Cheech and Chong, I said "how much?" And they said "we don't pay for introductions," so I said "then I don't need this crummy gig," and they said "yes, you do," and I said... ladies and gentlemen, Cheech and Chong!
+Who is it?
+It's me, Dave, man. Open up, I got the stuff.
+I thought they'd do bits -- but their most famous bit?!
+Will you open up, I got the stuff with me.
+Ooo, he's gonna say "Dave's not here!"
+Dave's not here! Dave's not here!
+Dave's not here!
+Dave's not here! Dave's not here!
+Say the line, man!
+They already know the line. What's the surprise? What's the point?
+The point is they still give us a shoebox full of twenties to do this! Now say it!
+Dave's not... Dave's not gonna sell out anymore, man! I, I can't say it!
+What are you doing, man?!
+What am I doing?! What am I-- I'm experimenting, man! I'm growing as an artist, okay?
+That's not the Cheech and Chong brand.
+Brand? Brand? I'm a seventy-two year old man. I've eaten eggs every which way they cook 'em -- I can't play it safe anymore.
+Look, these people pay good money to see "Dave's not here!" You owe them "Dave's not here!"
+Well, how about this? Chong's not here! Man!
+Oh no! Chong is refusing to fall back on his old catch-phrases.
+Ay carumba!
+Homie, you know all the bits. Maybe you could help him!
+I can't do reefer comedy -- I'm drunk. Two different animals.
+Homer Simpson, that man's albums have given you decades of entertainment -- and seen you through some very square times. Help him!
+Dave's not here, man!
+No man, I'm Dave. D-A-V-E!
+That's right. Now open up the door.
+Dave's not here, man!
+You find this funny, sir?
+Just because it's too hip for you, Smithers...
+I'll give Dave your message.
+I don't find this funny at all.
+My time being wasted was not wasted!
+Hey man, you're alright! How'd you like to be the new Chong?
+Yes! Will I get to meet Dave?
+There is no Dave.
+How 'bout Don Johnson?
+It'd be easier to meet Dave.
+It is so cool for you to let me go on tour with Cheech.
+And remember, on the road, the only vice you can indulge in is gluttony. Save lust and rage for me and the kids.
+Sweetie, don't worry. I'm gonna come back so horny and angry...
+I can't believe I'm riding around in Cheech's van! The van made of weed!
+It's not made of weed.
+Oh. What's it made of? Hash? Shrooms? Lysergic acid diethylamide?
+No! The van is just made of van.
+Look, Homer, I really need you to be on your game, you know? A lot of our fans have gone through rehab, so they're much more critical.
+Don't worry, Cheech. I know all the classic bits of you and Chong.
+Don't say that name! Now, you drive -- I have to go black out his face on some t-shirts with a Magic Marker.
+Can we get high from the fumes?
+Okay, man, what I'm looking for in a new Cheech is someone who is, like, open-minded and adventurous. I haven't decided about the mustache yet, but you need your own suspenders.
+Snap, snap!
+Our friendship died with the first snap and you buried it with the second.
+You ever notice how your nose makes boogers? What's up with that?
+Uh... next!
+I can't pay the rent. You must pay the rent. I can't pay the rent. You must pay the rent. I'll pay the rent. My hero. Aw, who am I kiddin'? I don't got the money.
+I am your substitute teacher, Sister Mary Elephant. Class, attention, attention, class, class -- shut up! Thank you.
+Uh, no, man. No routines from the old regime.
+Really? But Sister Mary's no-nonsense attitude is what inspired me to become an educator.
+Just let your freak flag fly, man.
+Well, I guess as long as I fold it afterward and don't display it at night... Oh, perhaps I should improvise, or "do an improv?"
+I want you to reinvent the wheel! No, de-invent the wheel! No -- re-unvent the whool!
+Oh, I'll get my prop trunk!
+A lot of people have cell phones, but I like to eat healthy. So I invented... the celery phone! Hello? Hello?
+Wow. You are the un-funniest man I've ever seen. Which means, teaming up with you would be totally pushing the envelope.
+Mother, how did you get this number -- it's a prop phone! Yes, I have your celery... I took the limpest stalk there was!
+Stop it! Stop riffing! The gig is yours!
+Time to finally return your father's overdue movies.
+Is it really okay to just drop them into the pit where the Blockbuster used to be?
+Got a better idea?
+Um, hello... I'm Marge Simpson... I think I've given you money a of couple times...
+No, no, no, no, no, no -- I don't want the money back, I just came for my dog.
+Easter grass, Cable Ace Awards, aquariums full of broken pinball game parts, popped but uneaten Jiffy Pop still in the silver bubble, sample-sized shampoos, detergents and whiskeys...
+I hate to say this about the Cat Lady... but I think she's crazy. She's a hoarder!
+This is so sad. Can we help her?
+We can. It'll be great. Like a reality show without the cameras.
+You mean, just reality.
+Yeah, that's what you think.
+Cut, print, mail to NBC.
+CHEECH AND CHONG HAS LOST ITS CHONG / I AM THE CHONG NOW... TAKE A LITTLE LOOK / TAKE A LITTLE LOOK / TAKE A LITTLE LOOK AT ME-E...
+That's funny, Homer. Now we really have to work on the show.
+Oh yeah, I getcha -- "work on the show." Maybe we should start at four-twenty, right? Marijuana reference!
+Yeah, I got it. Listen, man, comedy is hard work.
+Hard work? I thought this was gonna be fun.
+It is fun! The fun is the knowledge that our audience gets a good value for their hard-earned dollar!
+CHEECH IS SURE A LOT LESS COOL / THAN I IMAGINED...
+Stop that!
+BETTER SHUT UP / CHEECH IS REALLY MAD / I WISH THAT I HAD GONE WITH CHO-ONG...
+Now, we've managed to preoccupy the cat lady for the next few hours.
+MEMORY / ALL ALONE IN THE MOONLIGHT / I CAN SMILE AT THE OLD DAYS / I WAS BEAUTIFUL THEN...
+So beautiful!
+Thank you, Marge. Thank you for clearing the clutter from my house... and my mind.
+Haul away, driver man!
+Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
+A perfectly-good hot lather dispenser. I can't count the number of times Homie's cried in anguish over his lukewarm lather.
+Ooh, a pen from the Milwaukee Hilton! ...a phone answering machine from the '80s!
+NOBODY'S HOME!
+All of J.D. Salinger's books, except "Catcher In The Rye!" Used pizza protectors!
+She's Crazy, but I'd do her.
+Class! Class! Shut up!
+You did all right, kid. You earned a reward.
+Oh yeah, a reward from Cheech!
+Here's your reward!
+What the?!
+Yeah! I'm taking you to a museum, man. Chong and I used to come here all the time.
+Why aren't you exactly like your stage persona?
+Now Homer, this Viramontes image is an example of how Chicano poster art preserves a culture ignored by Eurocentric society.
+Eurocentric! When do we have wacky adventures?
+Ah, that's just the movies, man.
+Can we at least get some French fries?
+Too high in trans-fats.
+Stop speaking Spanish!
+Ladies and gentlemen, man! Prepare for comedy that will murder your expectations and bury them in a sea of "what?" with waves of "huh?"
+I am Dave.
+Dave is here! Man.
+Skin-ner! This dessert menu is funnier than you!
+Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
+They're blank, Seymour.
+Yes, but there're two k-sounds in "cocktail."
+Yes, there are.
+So, how was your first day of school?
+I met the new principal, Mr. Baumgartner. He seemed really cool. When he walked through the gym, he shot a basket!
+Who has disturbed my tomb?
+Grampa, you're not dead.
+Well, wake me when I am.
+I never thought I'd say this, but Dad is the only one who can help us.
+Now Homer, what did we agree about personal phone calls during rehearsal time?
+It's disrespectful to the high standards people have come to expect from Cheech and Chunk.
+That's right. Now let's take it from the part where we sniff each other's butts.
+Yes, sir.
+Come on, sniff!
+That's a movie sniff. This is live theater. Now inhale, damn it.
+I'm hearing it but I'm not feeling it.
+Tour bus parked. Gotta save Marge!
+I can't believe the crazy house would throw out all these forks.
+Marge, sweetie, do you know how low, low prices are "insane?" Well, sometimes people can be too.
+What are you talking about?
+Marge, you saved me. Now I want to save you.
+I'm not a hoarder! Do the Yankees hoard pennants? Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue?
+Marge, Marge, what can one person honestly do with...
+Filled-in mini golf score sheets... European ketchup...rolls of "I Voted" stickers...
+Styrofoam shaped like old computers!
+Gimme! Oh, lookie, lookie!
+Don't look back, Marge. Don't look back.
+Let's just leave the crazy woman alone in our house. We've got something more important to attend to.
+We'll deal with all that later.
+Hey baby, you want a ride?
+C'mon, if Art Garfunkle could forgive that untalented twerp Paul Simon, you can do this.
+What'd you do with Chunk, man?
+He sent me out here, man. He's got this idea I'm unhappy with my new partner.
+I decided to put family over career.
+You mean you put nothing over nothing!
+Tell him how you feel.
+I feel super high.
+Yeah. Me too!
+Come on, surrender to the moment! Don't make the mistake I always do of thinking too much before you act!
+I guess people do like the classic bits.
+You know what, it's okay if you want to experiment a little-- Oh Thomas!
+Oh Richard!
+I'm sorry I mocked your lack of suspenders -- I-I guess I was just jealous of your belt.
+This belt has caused too many fights between us.
+How now, mad spirits, before we part / 'Tis I, mischievous and puckish Bart / 'Twas not I the players did disturb / 'Twas the doings of a green and naughty herb / The gods have righted every wrong / Cheech the stoner has his Chong!
+And Homer, he is back with Mom / you can watch this tomorrow at Hulu.com.
+Who is it?
+It's me, Dave, man. Open up, I've got the stuff!
+Dave, man!
+Dave's not here.
+Hold on, lemme get the door here.
+Who are you?
+It's Dave, man.
+You ruined it, man -- you weren't supposed to open the door.
+Oh, okay, wait, let's start again.
+Close the door.
+I'll be out here with you, Dave.
+Hey, Homer?
+Why don't you go and get us some stuff?
+Okay. I'll go get some stuff.
+All right. Way down there. Way, way, way far down there.
+Way down here?
+Yeah, keep goin'! Keep goin'! Now turn the corner! Turn the corner!
+Yeah, keep goin'!
+All right!
+Who is it?
+It's me -- relieved!
+Gee, sorry, Dave.
+Okay, going down the checklist: feu allumé...oui. Ballon gonflé, oui.
+Now... Enlevez le ballast!
+Commencing aerial inspection of the plant... unflattering graffito...neutralized.
+Gadzooks! The one hazard this balloon cannot negotiate -- a gentle breeze!
+Help! Curtail my ascent! Curtail it, I say!
+Hey! Mr. Burns needs our help!
+Uh, let's just shoot at him and see what happens.
+Good thing I went hunting this morning.
+Bagged me an elk. Hey, where'd it go?
+Huh! I wonder if that's the same elk!
+Oh, I can't do it. A balloon saved one of my arteries. It doesn't seem right to kill his cousin.
+Looks like it's up to me. Let's see, target at two o'clock... adjust for wind ...
+Just shoot already!
+But I haven't finished my rituals yet!
+Help! I'm wafting on a zephyr!
+That's just sick.
+You stink! / Nice shooting, Annie Oakley!
+If you were a biathlete, I'd say "stick to skiing."
+Simpson, your sharpened-shooting has saved my life! Name your reward. Anything -- just name it!
+All your money and all your stuff.
+Lower and likelier.
+Uh, Super Bowl tickets?... playoff tickets?... regular season, bobble-head day?
+Nothing-head day!
+Wow! I know I lay down in front of bulldozers to stop this stadium from being built, but I have to admit, it's pretty sweet.
+It's so fancy -- sushi bars, a sixty-screen movie theater, museum of tolerance...
+Oh man. / Oh Jeez. / That made you think.
+They even have a day spa staffed by former all-pro linemen.
+You know, I wouldn't have to do this if I hadn't bought a Ferrari a day for twenty-two seasons. Flip over.
+I once hosted Saturday Night Live. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Matchbox Twenty!
+Who dat?
+Ooo, they even have a zoo -- featuring all the NFL mascots!
+This place even has its own arts district! With football-hating intellectuals!
+We'll stay for one inning, then we can go.
+Well, this has been great. We should get home soon -- the game's going to be starting.
+Homer, the game is right here!
+You're out of tonic.
+Oh, that's right! I hope you kids are enjoying yourselves today, because you and your children will be paying for this place long after the team moves to another city.
+Ooh, the "Fan Cam!"
+EVERYBODY DANCE NOW! DO, DO, DO, DO / DO, DO, DO, DO...
+Come on, party pooper -- bust a move!
+Eh. This song's a little bossy for me.
+Aw, come on, sourpuss. Tickle tickle!
+Stop it!
+Tickle tickle too!
+Cut it out!
+Tickle-tickle-who-wants-a-pickle!
+What does that mean?!
+Homie, maybe you should stop. We've talked about the gray zone...
+Marge, he's laughing, that means he's happy. Has the Joker taught you nothing?
+Quit it! Knock it off! Stop it! Dad, this isn't funny!
+The child has wetted his trousers!
+Dad, how could you do that? The whole audience saw me pee my pants!
+Son, I'm really, really sorry.
+Oh, I don't know if I can... whoo!... ever make it up to you. I-- whoo!... but I sincerely whoo!
+Homer! Just because everyone else is doing the wave, doesn't mean you have to!
+No one else is doing it. I'm trying to start it. Whoo!
+...Taking pity on the boy, the operators of Springfield Stadium opened the stadium's retractable roof in an attempt to dry his pants.
+Unfortunately, the stain was picked up by Russian spy satellites, and President Dmitry Medvedev has taken the pants-wetting as a sign of American weakness. A Russian flotilla has just entered New York harb--
+Bart's never gonna forgive me for humiliating him.
+And I wouldn't blame him. You destroyed our son's self-esteem.
+Well, it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place!
+I told you you should've stopped the tickling.
+Now I have to work overtime--
+--just to counteract the self-confidence--
+Hey Bart, I hear the forecast is for showers... in your pants!
+I'm on a European vacation, but you're-a peein' everywhere. Oui oui!
+Why did I agree to moderate this teleconference?
+You can't let this go without using it as a chance to improve your fathering.
+Well of course, I would love to be a more sensitive father. You know that.
+That's great. Then you won't mind me enrolling you in a fathering class.
+I'd like to see you thumb through an extension school catalogue and find one.
+There's one right here!
+Please, Marge, no! The other negligent dads'll make fun of me! They're so cliquey!
+You'll be fine, you always are.
+I miss my friends from drunk driving school. They were so cool.
+Homer, welcome to Fresh Start: a fathering enrichment class. My name is Dr. Zander.
+Last week we assigned everyone to keep a fathering journal. Gerald, would you like to share your entries?
+Absolutely, Dr. Zander. Monday: left work early to see Derek's baseball game. When Derek saw me in the stands, his smile was worth a million dollars. Tuesday: Lost a million dollar account 'cause I left work early Monday.
+That's great journaling. Comments?
+I don't want to hurt him, Doc.
+Uh, Homer, it says here you've been a father for ten years. What has that taught you?
+Well, for one thing, you're never really ready to be a father. But, oh, you know, the other day, Bart, the little dickens, said I had an elephant butt. So anyway, I'm strangling him, and I said to Bart...
+Wait. Hold on a moment. You were strangling your son?
+Yeah, strangling. I mean, it's not the only tool in my parenting toolbox, but it's the sharpest! Right? Anyway, I said "Bart"...
+You're actually serious! You physically lay your hands on your boy's neck?
+I guess it's just how I was raised.
+So... are those butter cookies for everybody, or...
+Um... why don't we stop there for today... and I'll see you next week.
+Who do you have next period?
+Hey, Doc. Where is everybody?
+I told them not to come.
+Why didn't you tell me not to come?
+Homer, to emphasize the seriousness of this situation, I'm going to turn my chair around backwards.
+I feel, in this situation, the only option is a risky and radical treatment.
+Homer, meet Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
+Dr. Zander and I play pick-up basketball on the weekend. And when he told me what you do to your son, I was so disturbed I only scored a hundred and seventy-two points.
+I had eighty-six assists!
+But today he's here to assist me with you.
+Wha-wha-what are you doing?
+Homer, it's time you understood what it feels like to be young, small, and terrified.
+No Doc, please! I'm just a little boy!
+You have a good heart, Kareem. Which is why you were the only Laker I could trust with this task.
+Uh, not a good time to water the plants?
+No, it's fine.
+Hey, Kareem, what do you think about today's selfish players?
+Fool-hearty... tattooed...
+Dr. Zander, you made me see my life through Bart's neck, and I swear, I will never, ever strangle my boy again.
+I believe we've made excellent progress here today. And after another few years of twice-weekly sessions we can really...
+Um, I uh, lied about having health insurance.
+And you're cured.
+Hello, boy.
+I want you to know I'm cured.
+Good for you. No more drinkin'?
+Oh son, I can't quit drinking any more than I could quit being a man.
+Now it feels like morning. What I am cured of is the blind rage that has soured our otherwise storybook relationship.
+Go ahead -- just try to provoke me.
+I just got up, man.
+Oh come on, bust your daddy's chops.
+Why you little...?!
+I'll teach you to...
+I'm in your head, man.
+Why you... I'm gonna... Maybe this time...
+Aw, my son's first stroke.
+Say cheeese!
+Can't hurt the boy. Can't hurt the boy.
+What the?!
+Boy, get down from there!
+Okay, first I'll send down my shoes.
+All right.
+Why you little...
+Oh c'mon, now you're a tree?
+Bart Simpson! What would your father say if he knew what you were doing?
+He'd say "I'm a grown man who's scared of my own son."
+I find that hard to believe.
+Oh yeah? Look.
+How many more, sir?
+Fill the board then wash my car.
+These are my keys.
+What was that?
+I-I said my keys-ter is ready for a whooping, sir.
+No, no. I'm just a kid. Leave me alone!
+It's "A-B-C-1-2-3"! It's the easiest song in the world!
+You think you're better than the Great Simpsini?!
+Well you're not!
+What're you gonna do, write a book about me?
+You couldn't get in the door of Random House if your name was Bennett Cerf the Third!
+One, two, three, cry! One, two, three, cry!
+How's that water, wet like your tears?
+Precious, is that you?
+Yes, Mama.
+You think you're so pretty? Where's my Lotto ticket?!
+I forgot, Mama.
+And don't you come back without it! You hear me?! Hurry up!
+I don't see many more movie roles for a girl like you! Not unless George Lucas needs another death star!
+No! Stop! No "Star Wars" parodies!
+Homer! Homer!
+The school called and said Bart is out of control. I think we may need some therapy for him.
+Oh, that's ridiculous. How could two people from the same family need therapy?
+Dr. Zander? Kareem Abdul Jabbar? Anyone?
+Dr. Zander, what happened?
+It's the damn economy. When it went south, the first thing people stopped spending money on was expensive therapists. So we all live here now, along with the other unemployed luxury professionals: wedding planners, personal shoppers...aromatherapists... high-end caterers...
+Mushroom cap?
+Those are pieces of broken glass.
+Well, I'll pass that on to the chef. I'll also pass on pieces of your face to my monkeys.
+Look, now my son needs your help.
+How much you got on ya?
+Uh... Twenty-three dollars... and there's a can of beans in my car.
+After a PhD, lectures on cruises, monthly column in Springfield Magazine... Are there franks in the beans?
+So whatever you did to my husband, it was too effective!
+Mm-hmm -- yes, one of the most common complaints about therapy.
+And now my son is a bully. Can you fix him?
+Probably. But we should discuss it in your car. The sommeliers are coming!
+Buttery finish... great year for zin... this is what I drink at home.
+Homer... Bart... this weekend in the wilderness should repair the shattered bond between the two of you. I find that in a natural setting...
+Very funny, Bart.
+That's not the snake, is it?
+Sorry, little friend. Slither back to your natural element.
+Thanks, dude.
+Now Bart, I want you to guide your father safely through these cacti.
+Then what do we win?
+A better relationship.
+Okay, go straight...
+Three steps right...
+Two to the left.
+Now Bart, you do understand you're supposed to avoid the cacti...
+Sure do. I'm just bad at counting. Two to the right...
+Backwards one...
+Diagonal two...
+Now do-se-do...
+While your father and brother are doing some manly bonding in the woods, I thought we could do a little bonding of our own.
+We'll do each other's nails, make some brownie sundaes, and watch the four saddest horse movies I could find.
+"Broken-Leg Beauty," "Sorry, Silver," "No More Mint Juleps..." And the fourth one has a title so sad I can't even say it.
+Really? Can I see it?
+Oh Beauty...
+I don't need money or parents or eyesight when I've got you.
+Oh, I always forget about this part.
+I dunno. There's something about this noose I just don't like.
+Homer, desperate times call for desperate measures. If you hop down from that limb, I assure you Bart will cut you down.
+I don't know...
+Keep your neck inside the rope at all times!
+Well? Anything?!
+Can't look. Texting.
+Be my guest.
+Ooh, a text. Let's see... Text message for I. M. A. Wiener. As you all can see, I. M. A. Wiener!
+I see it, Moe.
+Why you! When I--
+When-I-get-a-hold-of-you... oh dammit, I typed an F, not a D. Uh... Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Oh crap, I just donated twenty dollars to Haiti!
+Bart, I'm trying to get you to feel something for your father!
+I feel something for him. Here it comes.
+Why you little...?!
+This is a tough neck! Oh, it's so strong! Like an old...
+Y'see? You see how that boy pushes your buttons?
+We'll talk when he's dead! Just break already!
+Thanks, Dad.
+Son, you and I are gonna be closer than ever as we spend the rest of our lives suing that therapist.
+Sue me for what? My home in a hollowed-out tree?
+Pretty sweet, eh boy?
+Y'know, I was skeptical, but I guess therapy works.
+Oh man. I can't believe we have to pick the peaches ourselves. This activity is so lame I'm gonna daydream about school.
+Dammit, a pop quiz!
+Aw, come on, Bart, it's fun!
+That was kind of the same as the first time.
+Why did I suggest this?
+Peach pickin' ain't so bad, long as you got a song to take your mind off it.
+Ooh, authentic American folk music, just like they play on N.P.R.!
+I'm afraid the only "N.P.R." we know down here is National Public Radio.
+OH, THE YEAR'S FIRST PEACH, IS A JUICY PEACH / AND HE SINGS A HAPPY TUNE! / AND THE YEAR'S SECOND PEACH IS A GROUCHY PEACH / MORE LIKE A PRUNE! / NOW, THE YEAR'S THIRD PEACH IS A--
+How many verses does this song have?
+I ain't never run out!
+NOW, THE YEAR'S THIRD PEACH IS A GOD-FEARIN' PEACH / DOES WHAT THE GOOD BOOK TELLS HIM
+AND THE YEAR'S FOURTH PEACH IS A MOLDY PEACH / SHAME ON THE MAN THAT SELLS HIM
+NOW THE YEAR'S FIFTH PEACH IS A FUZZY PEACH / ITS KISSES ARE QUITE TICKLISH...
+Not bad, not bad. Marge, how much do they pay us for doing this?
+Actually, we pay them for each peach we take home.
+What the? First we work, then I pay, then I have to eat fruit? Why was I ever born?
+Okay, we've got peach bruschetta on peach toast, peach-aroni peach-za, and my famous B.L.T.s -- or should I say P.P.P.s?
+C'mon, people. Peaches!
+Honey... on a non-stone fruit-related topic, I booked us a couples massage.
+Ooh, couples! That way I can enjoy my massage, and make sure you don't enjoy yours too much.
+Initiate phase two.
+I forget what phase two is, but I'll assume we just dump the peaches like we discussed.
+Affirmative.
+I'll assume that means "yes."
+The name's "Bart."
+When we get home, the peaches will be gone.
+What?! What? What will we eat?
+Oh screw it.
+Masseuses: the half-doctors, half-hookers who solve everything.
+What idiot put the dump so far away from where people live?
+Aw, man! The Horticulture Society is having its Chinese Lantern party and we've got nothing to huck!
+It's made for the American market.
+Gentlemen, I think I have the solution to your problem.
+Where am I? This neighborhood is starting to look a little bit like... Sesame Street.
+Wonder who's in there. Could it be Oscar the...
+What the? Is somebody in here?
+Help! I'm trapped in an alternate dimension! An existential netherspace!
+I've been-- Hey, how ya doin'?
+All right, who sent you? Marvin The Magician? Oswald of the Occult? Citywide Mortgage? I worked everything out with Nina.
+No one sent me. I just knocked on the door and it opened!
+Uh, how'd I get from inside there to over here?
+Because this is a house of magic!
+Sounds like most of the house is still owned by the bank.
+But the rest of it is magic!
+How did you do all that?
+Permit me to introduce myself. I am... the Great Raymondo!
+I was once the most famous illusionist in the world, performing for pashas and potentates, Grand Dukes and Grande Dames... who wants to hear an old man go on about bygone wonders?
+I do, I do!
+Very well. But first you should call your parents.
+I got this phone for subscribing to "Psychic Monthly," and then I cancelled the subscription. They never saw it coming.
+Meet Ali Rudy Vallée, my musical automaton. He can play all the top hits...
+BOOP BOOP DIT-TEM DAT-TEM WHAT-TEM CHU! / BOOP BOOP DIT-TEM DAT-TEM WHAT-TEM CHU...
+Now, here's the infamous "miroir noir." Gaze into it and learn how you will die.
+And here, my dear, is my most celebrated illusion: the Great Milk Can Escape -- handed down to me by Houdini himself!
+Looks like there was magic between you two.
+The lady in question is my late wife, Esther. She was the only other soul who knew the secret of my greatest trick. Now I'm alone with my memories and my medical marijuana.
+Would you... be interested in teaching me?
+A girl illusionist? Ladies are what you saw in half and throw knives at. They never wear the hat.
+What if you just taught me one trick?
+Fine. These are the Rings of Fate. Come back in a week with these rings linked together, and maybe I'll -- say, you did it already!
+Well, I guess I can teach a girl. Blackstone taught a monkey.
+I'm not exactly flattered by that.
+You should be. That monkey wound up with eighteen car dealerships. If you bought a family car in the St. Louis area, you bought it from the mighty Chimpopo.
+Now, I'll start you off with a little coin work...
+And George Washington took a trip down the...ear-y Canal!
+My ear makes money?
+Hello, boat store? I'd like to order a boat. What do you mean, dial tone?
+Where'd you learn that trick? In the Army?
+From the Great Raymondo.
+He is great. In fifty-seven, I saw him turn the Secretary of Agriculture into the Secretary of the Interior! It was hell on their wives, but it sure brought down corn prices. Built a house outta corn. Worst house I ever owned. When it got real hot it smelled like Fritos. People would come from miles around--
+Lisa can't be a magician -- that's my thing! I'm the one that got a magic set for Christmas two years ago.
+You never even opened it.
+Need some help?
+Kid scissors. Lame.
+Let's see what else you've been hiding in there.
+I want my pot of gold!
+Aye ca-rum-ba.
+I forgot why I'm doing this.
+Raymondo! I mastered the slide pass -- and I've almost mastered the Denver slide pass... and, why is there always a "Denver" version of things?
+I'm sorry, Lisa. I'm upset. Bumped off the Mike Douglas show upset!
+Oh, what's wrong?
+'Sup, brahs. It's me, Cregg Demon. Who's ready to get their magic on?!
+Okay, for my first chillusion, I'm gonna descend into Hell and pull up a skank.
+Hi. Now, we've never met before, correct?
+That's right, Cregg Demon.
+Well, I don't need your number, sweetie... because it's tattooed on my ass!
+Yeah. It's on everyone's ass! Yeah!
+Disgraceful. Any idiot with a soul patch and a deck of cards thinks he's a magician.
+Magic is about mystery, illusion, pulling rabbits out of hats! Presto oh!
+Today's lesson: feed your props.
+Lisa! Lisa!
+If you wanna do some real magic, find me a boyfriend that don't get all religious on me.
+Raymondo's greatest secret!
+No, I shouldn't -- I won't.
+I guess I can trust you, Lisa Simpson. I am going to teach you the Great Milk Can Escape.
+You are? Why?
+If magic is not passed on, it dies.
+The only magic we couldn't make was a child.
+Now, the first thing you must do is make me a vodka tonic...
+Also, no.
+That won't be a problem.
+Students, teachers, detentionees...prepare to have everything you believe about milk cans challenged!
+Willie, if you will?
+God, if you don't bring my Lisa back safe, ants will burn tonight.
+I believe the expression is "ta-da!"
+I don't know what to think about milk cans anymore.
+That was amazing. I can see why they call you The Great Simpsina.
+My friends call me Lisa.
+She has no friends.
+Shut up! Now, where were we?
+I gotta admit, I was pretty nervous when you were in that milk can.
+Oh, it's a lot less dangerous than you think. You can see me do it again in a talent show next week.
+I'd like to come. But only if I was sure you wouldn't get hurt...
+There's no chance whatsoever. I'll show you.
+You don't open the top -- the locks are real.
+The can is in two halves, and they slide apart.
+From inside, you just push up. Easy peasy. And there's no way anyone can figure out how it's done.
+Well I can think of one way. You trick a dorky little girl into telling you!
+Yo, Dad! It's a three-quarter flange-less friction slide.
+What about the locks on the lid?
+Shmuck-bait.
+Sweet, sweet! Oh, and the next time it's my weekend with you, I promise there will be no chicks over. Just us, the komodo dragon and Ben Roethlisberger.
+Hell to the yes!
+'Sup, magicfreeks. Last night, for serious, I got haunted by a straight-up, see-through ghost. It was Harry H-Dog Houdini yo. Now after calling me "the new him" -- his words -- he told me the secret to his Milk Can Escape!
+I will perform this trick at the upcoming world magic championships! I recommend parking in the mall--
+...and taking the shuttle, yo!
+Raymondo, I am so sorry. I got rolled by a pro! Do you know what it's like to be the kind of girl that boys never talk to and then suddenly a boy talks to you--
+Get out.
+Haven't you ever been fooled by a pretty face?
+Just once. I trusted you.
+Oh, you think I'm pretty?
+Get out.
+Lisa, don't feel bad. Judas betrayed Jesus but he still got paid.
+I can't stand to see one of my female children unhappy. I'm gonna go pound some sense into that ring-linking rabbit-yanker!
+Hey, let me down! This is gonna leave a diamond pattern on my skin!
+Imagine if your greatest secret was given to your worst enemy!
+A peanut-butter-and-pretzel sandwich? There's no way a stupid Flanders like me could ever have thought of this.
+Okay, maybe secrets are a big deal, but my daughter's a good kid. So why don't you act your age, forgive her and let me down.
+Hey kid. Nobody likes a gloomy magician. Except, of course Gloomo the Magnificent.
+Raymondo! You forgive me!
+Not so fast.
+But still there is hope.
+Lisa, we've all done things we're ashamed of. I briefly became a disco magician. Have you ever tried to put a leisure suit on a bird? You get his pants on, he pulls his coat off. And on it goes. But now I need your help to stop Cregg Demon.
+All right, I want close-up magicians on the left, illusionists on the right, and mentalists, well, I don't need to tell you. Ah c'mon, Lou, I need backup!
+I wish I could help, Chief.
+I'll take the box that doesn't talk back.
+That's just what you need, Chief. Another stomach.
+Shut up.
+S'UUUUUUP! Hope you're watching up there, Houdini-Bro! I did your great-grand-niece!
+Ma-gic-freek!
+Ma-gic-freek!
+It's too late, we can't stop him.
+Something's wrong. The trick isn't working!
+Dad, don't die!
+I'll get him out!
+No. We must not interfere.
+You're just gonna stand there?
+No. With my back I gotta sit.
+Aw, I can't stand you looking at me that way.
+That's better.
+He's going to die!
+Lisa, magicians hate to be rescued. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little magician's room.
+I guess it's up to me to save you, Cregg Demon Magic Freek.
+You ain't savin' nobody demon nothin' freek.
+Ricky Jay? David Copperfield? Penn? Teller?!?!
+We switched the trick milk can with a regular milk can.
+But why?
+Because...
+You talk onstage. I talk offstage. That was the curse the witch put on us.
+He stole all our best tricks.
+And he stole my sexiest magical gestures! Like this one
+Wait, I know he's an unethical magician, and his tattoos are a inconsistent mix of hieroglyphics and cuneiforms. But he doesn't deserve to die.
+We ain't askin', kid. Get her!
+Penn, just drop them!
+I can't! I never learned how!
+I'll save you, Lisa!
+The real magic is raising three kids in this economy! You can put the ball back now.
+Hands off my apprentice, amateurs!
+Raymondo? I thought I killed you in Marrakesh.
+That was my twin brother! Ruined a lot of my tricks!
+We might as well finish the job now.
+To show you we mean business, I'm unbuttoning my shirt and turning on a fan.
+Oh yeah, it's magical.
+I'm just an old man. How could I ever hope to fight you all? Except... with this!
+My beautiful body... no longer properly lit.
+My ponytail's been burnt! Teller! The witch's curse is broken!
+Penn... there never was a curse.
+You're a real jerk, you know that?
+Raymondo, I knew your heart was as pure as the ether that helps you get to sleep. Raymondo?
+I believe the expression is "ta-da!"
+Let's go home, Dad.
+I'm through with magic, son. I'm gonna move back to Canada and run for Parliament.
+And, here you go. "Do not give your coat to--" Dammit!
+So, that's why Lisa excused herself a few minutes ago.
+Now, once again, one of the most promising young magicians I have ever seen: the Great Simpsina! Knock 'em dead, kid. I'll be in my dressing room.
+Tell me if she falls.
+Abraca-Milhouse!
+Hello, Harvey.
+I've probably had enough.
+Eh, a little more couldn't hurt.
+Which of you losers is next in line?!
+Hello... "Selma." I'd like to submit a change of address.
+AND THE YEAR'S FOURTH PEACH / IS A MOLDY PEACH / SHAME ON THE MAN THAT SELLS HIM / NOW THE YEAR'S FIFTH PEACH / IS A FUZZY PEACH / ITS KISSES ARE QUITE TICKLISH / AND THE YEAR'S SIXTH PEACH / IS A BRINING PEACH / IT TASTES SO FINE AND PICKLISH / AND THE YEAR'S SEVENTH PEACH / IS A LEARNED PEACH / IT'S WORKIN' ON A NOVEL / BUT THE YEAR'S EIGHTH PEACH / IS A REAL PROUD PEACH / YOU'LL NEVER SEE IT GROVEL / OH THE YEAR'S NINTH PEACH / IS A TOUGH OLD PEACH / BUT HE'LL MAKE A HEARTY STEW / AND THE YEAR'S TENTH PEACH IS A ROTTEN PEACH / TAKE A WHIFF, P-U / NOW THE--
+Shush yourself.
+I was standing in this line to use the bathroom, but now my license is expired.
+Hey Dad, there's an arcade across the street... and there's really no point in all of us waiting in line...
+I was invited to that party!
+Boy that's good.
+Woo hoo! First in line! Brought you a gift bag.
+All that's left is banana Runts! That's the worst Runt!
+Back of the line, stranger!
+We used our last day of summer vacation standing in this line, and now it's time for our reward.
+Next in line! What am I bid for next in line?!
+Five bucks!
+Ten bones!
+Half a cheesesteak!
+I'll perform at your birthday party! Sober!
+Quarter of a cheesesteak!
+A nest with a robin's egg!
+The wrapper of a cheesesteak!
+I bid one lollipop.
+Sold, to the lowest bidder!
+Leaving Mockingbird Lane, Mr. Munster?
+Excuse me?
+Dad, Aunt Selma's treating a mob boss like an ordinary taxpayer.
+And we've got front row seats!
+So, you here for an eye test? Read this.
+Process my form.
+I'm afraid this is the wrong form. The one you want is on that table.
+And if I retrieve that form, will I be able to maintain my advantageous position in line?
+Try it and see.
+Ahhh...
+Jeez, we had a safe full of gold in there and it didn't ride so low.
+My lick.
+My lick.
+My lick.
+Hey -- you licked the back! That was my side!
+Brother germs!
+Sister spit!
+Bart, this is a truffle.
+You're a truffle.
+A truffle is a fungus that grows in tree roots. It's one of the most prized gourmet foods in the world.
+Only you can make tree poop boring.
+Bart, you can find them by smell! That's amazing! Restaurateurs use highly-trained pigs to sniff these out.
+Come on, numb nose. Sniff me a truffle! I don't know why I flew you in from Italy! First class, no less! Plus you forget to get miles!
+Interested in these?
+Eh? Jody Maroni! But where is your truffle pig?
+You're lookin' at him.
+A human pig! Thank you, Lord, for this abomination.
+Eh, eh, eh! You know-a the rule: no truffles for truffle pigs!
+And now that I have him... I find a new use for you in my kitchen.
+Yeah, that one's-a good. Start on these.
+Hey, don't run with the knife! Ah, stupid pig!
+And I'll-a pay you top dollar for any more truffles you find. And whenever you eat here, you get the best table. Not the one that goes a-tikit-a-tikit-a-tikit-a. Very nice.
+The view was better inside the sack.
+You are one tough cookie. I tell you what, I'll let you pick which body part I cut off first.
+Fine. I choose my love handles.
+Then my arm wattles, my cankles, and finish off with my excess back fat.
+You do not register the level of fear, say, Louie here would.
+Yeah -- show some respect for the process!
+You asked what I wanted cut off, and I want lipo. Lots of lipo. Or are you not a man of your word?
+I like you. I don't know whether to knock you on your kisser or kiss you on your knockers.
+I don't know whether to peck you on the kisser, or kiss you on the--
+You shall have your lipo. Call our doctor friend who owes us a favor.
+Actually, we owe him a favor.
+Do him two favors, then remind him that he owes us a favor.
+Tony, the surgery was a complete success, so can I take your cousin, the "anesthesiologist" off the payroll?
+You certainly may. Now where is my Selma?
+Here's the part that's not in the trash.
+Ooh... Boys, I'd like a little privacy with Selma. Why don't you take the doctor out back?
+Should we take care of him, or "take care of him"?
+Take care of him.
+PAESI CHE NON HO MAI / VEDUTO E VISSUTO CON TE
+I don't know what that meant. Was it the first one or the second one? I can't ask him, otherwise he's gonna "take care of me."
+Now to take care of you.
+Take care of me or "take care of me?"
+The one that's this one!
+Selma, I just can't get over the new you.
+The world's a different place when you've got a waist. The clerk in the electronics store asked me if I needed help!
+Well, well, well, if it isn't "before" and "after." Blob and Blob Lite. Tweedle Yuck and Tweedle Blecch.
+I hope I'm not interrupting.
+Fat Tony! I was just complimenting your beautiful girlfriend... while insulting her hideous twin.
+I'm sorry, Fat Tony. My husband doesn't realize what he's saying, then, five seconds later:
+Oh my God!
+All will be forgiven... If, you sketch a portrait of Patty showing her inner beauty.
+You are cruel but fair.
+I'm trying. I swear I'm trying.
+Dammit!
+I love it here. The way the sun goes down like a crooked boxer.
+Selma, in this matto, svitato world...you've got to hold on to the good things.
+Whoa! Sounds like someone's gonna propose here!
+Shut up! You're spoilin' the mood.
+This is how I always pictured this moment.
+Awwww...
+Selma, will you share my life with me?
+Oh Tony, if there were an Italian word for "yes," I'd be saying it right now.
+CON TE PARTIRO...
+How many truffles did you get?
+More than I can count.
+Brown gold... Tuscan tea...
+Just think of what we can do with that moolah.
+Hm, I can't find my car.
+Nooooo!
+Bart, I am putting this money safely in the bank where you will earn zero point zero zero one percent interest.
+That's a lot of zeros! You know, all this truffle hunting has made me a little thirsty. Can we go home now?
+Three more big ones and we'll talk.
+How big?
+As big as a baby's head.
+That baby's head.
+That tick sure done swelled you up, Normalhead Joe.
+Oh, man!
+Vi dichiaro marito e presunta moglie. You may now kiss one another.
+Yes! I'm so happy I lived to see this day! He did give her the kiss of death, right?
+I decorated her car for nothing.
+Excuse me. We can't find our seats. Marge and Homer Simpson.
+Ah yes, you're at table forty-six.
+Right this way.
+Hm, there must be some mistake.
+Oh, it's no mistake.
+That table is Tony and his friends. This table is the DMV. This one, Legitimate Businessmen of Shelbyville. FBI... children's table... gifts... then you.
+And how do you know the bride?
+I'm her sister. And you?
+I bought her ping-pong table on Craig's List. Color yourself slighted.
+So, how's your Tiramisu?
+We haven't even gotten our salads yet.
+So, who wants a picture with the happy couple?
+Why did you seat us in Siberia?
+Because somebody's husband has a reputation for embarrassing himself in public situations.
+He's on his best behavior, which is very impressive considering he's mad about a sports result.
+Lousy Saint Louis Cardinals. Can't win the nineteen eighty-five World Series on Classic Sports.
+Smile for the camera.
+I was never sure about this marriage.
+With that attitude, don't bother coming to the brunch tomorrow.
+We're throwing the brunch!
+Man, that photographer got everything.
+I still can't believe it. I have never been so snubbed at one of Selma's weddings.
+Fat Tony! Are you gonna cut my head off and leave it in a manger scene at Christmas? And then an old Italian nun finds it. And she's all... No, no, no, oh, no, no! He's too beautiful to die! Ohhhh!
+Homer, to restore the sisterical bond, you and Marge are invited to spend the weekend with us at our house down the shore.
+Hm. So, should I bring a towel?
+We have towels.
+Um, I take a special size.
+Come on, Bart. We've been out here for hours.
+Maybe we've found all the truffles. The only thing I've dug up was these weird-looking mushrooms.
+I'll dispose of those for you.
+"Koyaanisqatsi," you're about to get watched!
+Listen, why don't we just stop this and divide the money.
+The money? No, no, no, no, no, no. The money is working for us -- what's not working is your stupid sense of smell!
+All I smell here is desperation.
+Ooh, commentary by Philip Glass!
+No more distractions! Find those truffles! Mush!
+If you think that makes me a better musher, you're wrong. Wait a second...
+This is our house. There's nothing buried here but hopes and dreams!
+The truffle's right over here!
+Truffle's in your room? I thought you'd been selling them!
+Bart... I haven't been selling the truffles. I've been eating them.
+Really? Why?
+Vegetarian food is so boring! Pasta, soy... you know what's a bad pizza topping? Broccoli!
+But I worked so hard! I've got dirt under my fingernails I'll never get out. Not that I'm gonna try.
+I'm sorry, Bart! Take the last truffle... do whatever you want. Sell it, eat it...
+Or give it to someone who deserves it.
+You spent your life searching for these, but you never had one.
+Well, this is yours.
+Bart, you've done a truly kind thing.
+Oh, so that's why they don't give pigs truffles.
+I don't think this is a good idea at all. The only husband of Selma's I liked was Disco Stu. He was so upbeat till he found out she didn't care for disco.
+Yeah, that's his thing. Anyway, Fat Tony and I think this is a chance to patch things up between you and Selma. Plus it's a free weekend at the beach.
+Hey Louie. Don't ask me why, but I got a funny feeling about the new guy.
+Uh, let's brag about our crimes... you first.
+Homer, Marge. Come, meet the family! These are my nephews...
+Stevie B., Stevie F., and Vincent.
+But you can call us "S-Money," "Jell-o Shot," and "The Occurrence."
+I will!
+This is my niece, Tushie. She's got two semesters under her belt in contemporary Italian-American design from Sandy Hook Vocational Institute.
+Aw, shut your face, Uncle Tone. God, you two are super pale. But not to worry -- every light in the house is a tanning light.
+Can you read by it?
+No one's ever tried.
+These people are always grinding against each other, and I think they're all related. I wish we'd never come.
+Selma? Va-va-va-wha?!
+Why can't you support my marriage?
+You've never supported mine!
+You married a pig!
+Well, you married someone whose first name is "Fat"!
+I'm late for my mani-pedi-spray-tan.
+Boo-frickin'-ya! Losers chug!
+Well, if you insist.
+Chug! Chug! Chug!
+Mind if I join you?
+Look at our men, Marge -- they're having a great time.
+You are such a gentle kisser.
+You were kind of all over the place.
+Maybe I've been mean to Homer because I was jealous of your happiness. Now that I'm truly happy, maybe all four of us can start over.
+TELL ME, WHEN WILL YOU BE MINE / TELL ME, QUANDO QUANDO QUANDO / HEY!
+The boys needed to breathe.
+Wouldn't they be girls?
+Mine are boys.
+Which is our room again...
+Oh, my poor Homie.
+You know -- it had that painting of that lady and the monster on the ceiling.
+That was a mirror!
+Lookin' good, boss.
+Yeah, you look like Johnnie Handsome before we shot him in the face.
+Hey, I gotta look good for my goomar.
+Goomar?! That's mob talk for "mistress." Fat Tony has a mistress!
+He's cheating on Selma? That's crazy! Why go out for a hamburger when you've got rancid steak at home?
+I'll just sit here quietly.
+How could Tony cheat on me so soon?
+Y'know Selma, from what I've seen here, Fat Tony has a lot of bad influences on him. I walked though a door last night and they were playing cards for real money.
+Well, Homer and I are going to take you away right now.
+Aw, can't we stay one more day? The Occurrence and I are going to the tanning salon and get oiled and broiled.
+Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, Homer and I have to be "that guy."
+Whoa! You don't wanna be "that guy."
+I don't wanna be "that guy," but Marge is making me be "that guy."
+Enough!
+Homer, good morning. May I interest you in a pool noodle?
+We also got pool ziti, pool fusilli -- or if you don't like those, Mama will make you one special!
+Mother Mary herself couldn't make a noodle big enough to float this one.
+Tony, we have to leave. For the record, I want to emphasize we're not leaving because today is "cleanup."
+Leave? Why?
+Because you have a girlfriend!
+It is true, but it is not what you think.
+Where is she? Where is this other woman?
+You're the goomar? You have some nerve coming here!
+I'm Fat Tony's wife. You're the goomar!
+You're nuts! And I've got the ring to prove it.
+That's a goomar ring. This is a wife ring.
+That's a wife ring? Marge, don't look!
+This doesn't make any sense. There was a wedding. You exchanged vows.
+I can explain...
+If you spoke Italian, which I knew you did not, you would've known that those were goomar-goombah vows.
+Vuoi tu Selma essere la goomar di Tony il Grasso per il resto della tua vita?
+E tu Tony il Grasso prendi Selma come la tua goomar finche non ti rompe i coglioni in presenzi ai tuoi compari?
+Marge, if I ever tell you I want to get married again, I want you to stick your thumbs into my eyes.
+Yeah, we can show you how to do it. The trick is, don't stop till you hear a pop.
+You missed my first open house as a licensed real estate broker for this brutta puttana?
+I've hit on enough pizza boys to know what that means!
+Then bring it on, sister!
+You were right, Marge. These people are not for us.
+In a good marriage, you never say I told you so.
+Which is lucky for me because you're always right.
+Lisa, this is going too slow for me. And I work at the DMV.
+Mind if we take a nap?
+I'll have to make it more neo-classical and less mannerist, but okay.
+You say such cute little...
+I jumped in front of your picture! Now it's ruined!
+Bart, this isn't a photograph. I'm not just gonna paint you into--
+You just ruined six months' work!
+I'm really sorry it wasn't a year.
+You're gonna regret the day you were born!
+I already do! It's too close to Christmas!
+Not to worry.
+Now what?
+Bart, I'm afraid we need the help of someone older and wiser.
+I get to enjoy this, but I'm not responsible.
+Actually, Dad, as the supervising parent today, you'll get your share of the blame, too.
+What do I do? Patty's gonna kill me! Unless... I kill her first! I put the body in the car, I dump the car in the lake, I put a James Taylor CD in the stereo so they think it's a suicide...
+Why don't you just cut the paint out of her hair?
+Fine, whatever.
+I'll just keep cutting till I hit something solid.
+And now, to break the news as gently as I know how.
+Wake-up-and-look-at-your-hair!
+What happened to you?
+Who undid my do?
+I didn't do diddily, and certainly not squat!
+Actually, it's kind of cute. You look like Posh Spice.
+That's just what I was going for! I was going for Scary.
+You did this?! With your fat fingers and your brain the size of a super ball?!
+And stay out!
+I can't believe I'm saying this... Homer Simpson, do me.
+I meant my hair!
+Milhouse, check it out! I put a roadblock on the curly slide!
+Cool! / Awesome!
+Isn't this the greatest day ever?!
+There are no more great days, Bart. Just days.
+What's wrong, man?
+Something happened last night. Something that really changed me.
+My mom put in the "Finding Nemo" DVD, but then she got a phone call...
+So I started it myself.
+Did you know it has a chapter before chapter two? A chapter where we meet Nemo's mother...
+Nemo doesn't have a mother.
+Not after Chapter One he doesn't.
+If death can happen to a fish, it can happen to anyone. So you've gotta live life while you can. So I'm gonna finally proclaim my love for Lisa.
+That's your take-away from Nemo? I think you've already made your feelings for Lisa clear.
+Well, I can make them more clear. You see, in the past, I've been too subtle. It's my curse -- SUBTLETY!!!
+Homer, thanks to your unlicensed barbery, Patty and Selma have been getting compliments all day at the DMV.
+You two look good. Open-casket good!
+I hear this is the home of Springfield's hottest hairdresser. I need a haircut -- and I need it in three, two, one, now!
+Lady, I'm not a hairdresser -- I just put a new lid on a couple of trashcans.
+A hundred dollars?! Marge, how much is that in smackaroos?
+One hundred.
+Woo hoo!
+Wow. Wow. Wow!
+Wow! Hello, airport piano bar!
+And it'll look good in the morning, too!
+Are you sure you don't have a salon?
+Well, I open a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk, but I don't think so.
+Too bad.
+Just call me "Homer Fingerhands."
+I'd rather call you by your normal name, if that's okay. But I never knew you were so good with hair.
+Marge, when someone loses their hair, they miss it the most. It's like a beloved dog that died on your head.
+You better not be brushing your hair again!
+You better be!
+Now that my soft, chestnut mane is gone, I dream of cutting hair, styling hair, making hair shorter in exchange for money... maybe I should open a hair salon.
+Well... Newsweek magazine did say it's good to change careers, right after they laid off all their editors.
+Yeah. But what if I can't find any commercial rental property?
+I really thought people would like to harvest their own honey. Oh, how they hated it.
+Attention lovers of love!
+Let it be known by all: Lisa Simpson is the smartest, sweetest, most perfectest girl in the whole world, and I shall not rest until I am her boyfriend!
+I know you like music, Lisa, so I'm gonna perform a love song I wrote... for you.
+Oh yeah, it's a Theremin.
+TEACHER SAID DON'T EAT THE PASTE / 'TIS APT TO MAKE YOU SPEW / I ATE THE PASTE, AND LIKED THE TASTE / PASSED OUT AND DREAMED OF YOU.
+Okay. First of all, it's never wise to use the word "spew" in a love song.
+You know so much about body mechanics!
+LISA LISA...MAID SO FAIR / WITH CRIMSON DRESS AND POINTY HAIR / DO YOU MIND IF I STOP AND STARE / LOOK IN YOUR MIND AND I'M THERE.
+So, Lisa... I love you. Is that love "requited" or "un"?
+I'm sorry, but I don't love you, Milhouse, and I never will.
+I thought that was beautiful.
+You did?
+Yeah! It was romantic and it rhymed.
+Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, "This one, I guess."
+I'm Taffy.
+Would you like to help me roll the Theremin back to the A.V. closet?
+It's a date.
+That Theremin has paid for itself again and again.
+All day long, Apu goes on about Lady Gaga, who is doing nothing that Rava Khatan was not doing twenty years ago, while she was a member of Parliament!
+Oh now, how could someone as young as you know about twenty years ago?
+Funny how my Timothy always uses the short-form baptism when there's a basketball game he wants to watch...
+The worst know-it-all! I-/ Wears the same pants for a month! / I could just talk on and on! /
+Homie, are you even listening to me?
+Because I have so much to tell you: the mailman did the other side of the street before our side. Turns out it was a substitute.
+I'm sorry, honey. All day long I have to listen to women talk.
+Not a good time.
+Hey Lis, those books aren't gonna pick themselves up.
+Oh. Usually, Milhouse does it.
+Hey, guys. Uh Lisa, you dropped your books. When you pick 'em up, make sure you bend your knees.
+Well, I've worn a lot of different braces in my time.
+This dame is really into you!
+She sure is. This morning I got to second base... on our walk around the softball diamond.
+Why would a popular fifth-grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse?
+I dunno. It's one of those mysteries, like how do my clothes get clean and put back in my drawers?
+Well, I'm gonna find out why, because this...
+Knees, Lisa. Knees.
+I know Kirk resents that the dog likes me more, but Rex is just establishing dominance over the weaker male. That's what miniature dachshunds do.
+Oh yeah. Men are such dogs, and vice versa.
+Is there anyone in here that just wants a haircut with no chitchat?
+Hey, I don't want a conversation.
+I just want you to listen while I talk about the loser I'm married to.
+These are really good scissors.
+All day long they tell me stupid, pointless, boring stories, and I have to stand there listening with a phony grin plastered on my face.
+Uh-huh.
+Well, Homer, you're safe here. You can forget everything they said.
+When I look at you -- all I see are the foibles that drive your women crazy! Foibles! Foibles! FOIBLES!
+Calm down there, Homer.
+What got into him?
+Freaky ad campaign they're running.
+Homer, can you make me look fan-cy?
+Sorry Sarah, I'm retired.
+But tonight's the Policemen's Ball! And if you let my Sarah down I can make life very difficult for you.
+I'd like to see you try.
+Huh, where you goin'?
+Excuse me.
+Uh-uh-uh!
+Come on! Would you--
+Nuh-uh!
+I, uh, I can also make very annoying noises.
+C'mon, bro, don't hassle me!
+Stop that. Okay, okay. You win. I'll teach you how to make love to your wife!
+What? No! Just cut her hair!
+Homer? I thought you were gonna quit.
+I can't. They won't let me. Lenny, be a pal and saw off my hands.
+Why don't you do here what you do at the nuclear plant -- namely, suck.
+Suck! Of course!
+So, I told Timothy, you cannot keep basing sermons on old Seinfelds...
+Oh my God. Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped!
+There's only one way out -- I'm committing Barbicide!
+Why doesn't anything kill me?
+Hey, that's Taffy's page. Ooh, I see that she's in a relationship.
+Shut up! I just want to know what she's up to with Milhouse. A girl like her could get a fifth grader -- maybe even Kyle LoBianco!
+I hear he goes to California on his vacations.
+That's the first thing everyone knows about Kyle LoBianco!
+Taffy's up to something. And I won't find out what it is sitting at a computer. It's time to get boots on the ground.
+You like my boots?
+Once you get past the sister ick, they're fine.
+Marge, do you hear it? Listen! It's the hair -- growing! Always growing! Blonde, brunette... auburn!
+This ends now!
+I need some highlights for a bridal shower!
+You can start with the rinse!
+Please... I'll even buy... product!
+Here, my love.
+Thank you.
+Anything for my silly Milly.
+Who'd follow Milhouse around like that? Sneaking around after them all day has taught me a lot about this sicko.
+Evening.
+I am never gonna get my homework done tonight.
+All right, sister. What's your game?
+We're just trying to put our relationship back together.
+In the sack he's Salisbury steak, everywhere else creamed corn.
+I am so sorry.
+Not her again.
+Yeah, Lisa. Can't you leave me alone? We're over.
+You're not over, you never were! Milhouse, you're a great guy. But we're not gonna work out for one reason.
+Is it 'cause when I wore cuffed pants they filled up with leaves?
+That wasn't a great day for us, but... it's because you'll always be in love with her.
+He likes his apple pie warm and his a la mode cold. Good luck.
+You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else... how miserable do I have to be before you're happy?
+Milhouse, I... I...
+Lisa, does this mean you like me?
+Yes... no... I don't know! It means that... that life is full of unexpected things and you should never give up. And you're cute in the moonlight.
+Everything's coming up Milhouse!
+Doctor and Mrs. Julius Hibbert!
+Mr. Discotheque Stuart, unaccompanied!
+My girlfriend isn't feeling well tonight.
+Krusty the Clown and Disco Stu's girlfriend!
+Mr. Homer J. and Mrs. Marge Bouvier Simpson!
+Her hair!
+Move over, Lard Lad statue. It's the eighth wonder of the Springfield world!
+You've outdone yourself, Homer!
+Oh, yes, ladies. I've outdone myself. Outdone myself... by not doing it at all!
+Stop talkin' crazy talk.
+I'm afraid it's all too true. My wife has betrayed me... with another hairdresser!
+Another hairdresser?
+Who is it? We must know!
+No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Julio is my little secret! I've said too much!
+That's right, ladies. And I never heard a complaint I didn't sympathetically cluck to. That's how I roll.
+Okay, first five customers get a discount. Next five hear secrets about the first five. Come on, get in line.
+It worked perfectly. As if anyone but you can make me feel this beautiful.
+Aw sweetie, thanks for saving me from the horrible life Warren Beatty lived in "Shampoo." And now it's time to pay you back...
+Homie, you're making my toes curl. You sure know how to please a woman.
+As long as it doesn't involve losing weight or changing my pants.
+I love your low prices, but why did these weddings get cancelled?
+Returned because of a fight over the pre-nup.
+Awww...
+That one there? Bride's dad made a racist toast.
+And these keys are from all my jobs.
+She wanted a cake with blue rosettes, he slept with her sister.
+Cake, will you do me the honor of making my stomach the happiest bag of acid in the world? You will?!
+Time for a shortcut.
+Woo hoo!
+Dad, the cake!
+Dad, our lives!
+Uh-oh, they've got the right-of-way.
+Morning.
+Guten tag.
+Who's alone in the vehicle?
+Maggie's locked in!
+With the keys!
+What's wrong?
+Uh, first the good news... two of your kids are not locked in the car.
+Maggie!
+We've gotta get her out of there! Babies aren't supposed to sleep on their stomach on a cake!
+Okay. Okay, the spare key is somewhere in here.
+What's this key with the plastic skull for?
+That's the key to my box with the real skull.
+Maggie!
+So how come we have all these other keys?
+Well, if you live long enough you start to accumulate things. This is from a gas station men's room. They put the block of wood on it so you don't walk away with it. These are from a key party we went to before we realized what a key party was--
+We got out of it just in time.
+Aw, come on! You'll miss all the sex!
+Uh, this key opens your parrot cage.
+Rules are rules.
+At some point we should try to return these keys to their rightful owners.
+Are you nuts?! Let's have some fun!
+Homer, stop him!
+Stop who, Marge? Be specific.
+Time to get my mischief on!
+Let's start with a little federal crime.
+Oh, thank God! I can get back the angry letter I wrote to my boss!
+I really didn't want that subscription to "The Atlantic"
+Yes, and this patent application for a robot dog could use a bit more tinkering.
+With the biting and the chewing on my tuchus--
+Oh, the laser eyes! Why did I give it to him?!
+What the? I tried to do bad and I did good!
+Haw-haw.
+Keys to the Duff Brewery?! Where'd you get those?!
+Well, it might have been the time when...
+Duffman doesn't need Duff to have fun! Seriously, you got any beer?
+I heard drowning makes you feel like you're drunk.
+Or maybe I just found them on the ground.
+Wow! The guys at the AA meeting will never believe this!
+Oh my God... there's the fire brewer... the beechwood ager... the rat filter...
+The Duff blimp! Oh, how I'd love to drive that thing.
+Really, Duff blimp? You really want me to?
+Oh, what the hell? Life is made to be lived. I've been buttoned down too long!
+Hey Homer, I really had you going there, huh? Homer?
+When we see each other again you'll be an old man and I'll be a baby!
+Excuse me, has anyone seen my toy?
+...And these are from sardine cans your father opened. He saved them out of sentimental value.
+I'll return this to the school.
+Well, Maggie, one key left for us!
+This looks like it's from a wind-up toy.
+I hope we haven't stumbled onto my anniversary present.
+Homer? Could you please turn down those blimp engines and tell me where you are?
+I'll call you back! Come back, Pooter Toot! People might be offended by your mild tastelessness!
+Oh, isn't that a cute little choo-choo...
+Daddy, did you make that devil's music?
+It wasn't me, boys! It was the train!
+What train, Daddy?
+It was right there... with the ... and the...
+Jesus cries blood every time you lie.
+Hey, Lisa. Whatcha doin'?
+Returning this lost key to Principal Skinner.
+But that key could open any door in the school. Aren't you curious?
+Well, maybe a little. But I'd never break the rules.
+Little Miss Play-It-Safe. Have a nice day... just like yesterday... and the day before that... and the day before that...
+And the day before that... and the day before that... and the day before that...and the day before that... and the day before that...
+Nelson, either tell them what they're having for lunch, or get off the P.A.
+Sloppy Joes... and the day before that... tater tots... and the day before that...
+Banned books?!
+Band books?!
+Could this key open...
+Get thee behind me Namuche! That's the Buddhist Satan. Let's give it a shot.
+No problem, just some cobwebs.
+I've discovered a mystery, wrapped in a riddle in the basement of a lousy school!
+It's like five classrooms in one! A science room... student lounge... mathnasium... An experimental theater! All set for a production of Samuel Beckett's "Endgame"!
+Ooh, a pull-down map of...
+Nothing? And this ruler is unmarked and... the tabs on this pop-up book have no effect...and this tooth has no dentin! Everything is fake! What is going on?!
+Mother, it is my birthday, not our anniversary!
+Principal Skinner, do you know anything about a bizarre hidden classroom underneath the school?
+Mother, I have work to do. Well, it's work if they pay you! They say they're going to!
+Lisa, I know every moldy inch of this unaccredited school. But I have never seen such a thing as you describe.
+It's real. I can show you!
+Well, I have a very busy schedule, but...
+Myra, cancel all my appointments!
+You're just pressing a Mento.
+Very true.
+Okay, let's go.
+Hm. Is it drinking and driving if you're flying a blimp? Maybe I can find the answer by texting.
+Yo, Lenny... ...do you know anything about... flying the blimp while drinking...
+What was that?
+This train is mocking our intestinal distress!
+I don't think I've ever felt this irritable.
+You mean your wind-up hate crime?
+And now without further ado, I give you... this!!!
+One Thousand and One Vulgar Marching Band Formations.
+Truly these band books deserve to be banned.
+I swear there was a room here!
+Lisa, Lisa... go home, relax, try to do some kid things. You know, with a ball or something... or decorate your sneakers with a "Magic"-brand marker.
+Maybe this key will be the key to putting the "key" in anarchy.
+The last place anybody would expect to see a moon: the sky!
+Why, we never!
+Goodbye, cruel world!
+I'm alive! And you're my naked fairy-god-boy.
+Aw jeez, I hope no one heard you say that.
+And so, to this naked fairy-god-boy, I present the key to the city. Now do us a favor and lower your pants for the picture.
+Lisa Simpson may be onto us.
+I oversee fourteen schools, Seymour, and for some reason, I always find myself talking to you about one of the Simpson kids!
+Oh my God, there she is. Act natural. Act natural.
+Oh, oh, hello, student. Um, we were just standing here discussing how we have no, uh, secrets.
+And nothing to hide. I'll just take that key back now.
+Backing away from something, Lisa?
+Things on the ground are out of my jurisdiction.
+I've got to get back in that room, but Skinner took away the only key! What would Nancy Drew do?
+Oh, don't you worry, I'll get my friends The Hardy Boys to help.
+Extra! Read all about it! Lisa's a liar! Pants on fire!
+Pull over!
+Before somebody gets hurt!
+So long, suckers!
+Oh, the Zoomanity!
+Hi, my name is Lisa Simpson.
+Ah yes, the Simpsons: a notch and a bump, two notches and a bump.
+That's us. Do you think you could reproduce the key in this photo?
+Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya.
+How much?
+Dollar eighty-five. And if you want that little plastic ring around it, now that's gonna cost you another seven cents.
+Keep the change.
+Yes ma'am!
+How did this bookshelf get here so fast? I bet it's shoddy.
+What do you think of that, Nancy Drew?
+Jeez, they're dropping like flies.
+The children are on Bus 23.
+I'm so sick of keys. They've brought nothing but good luck since I got them.
+Brandine, I think we finally gots us something to cut off that umbrilical cord.
+Well then you got one more mouth to feed.
+Y'all want some chocolate milk?
+Yes, mama.
+You got it, Embry-Joe.
+That wisenheimer windup toy could be anywhere.
+Chief Wiggum! Stop that train!
+Aw, not through my legs. Oh, that's really rubbin' it in.
+Maybe if I use a pen...
+Aw jeez, here comes that girl I always liked in high school.
+Clancy, is that you?
+Oh ah hey, Maryann. Uh, how are you at getting pants off the ground?
+Skinner's involved in this. Deep.
+Crazy classroom, bus full of missing kids... I know who'd have some answers. Someone who's been here a long, long time.
+Yeah, I've been held back more times than I can count... which I guess is why I keep getting held back.
+You know anything about... Bus Twenty-three?
+Whoa, Goldilocks, you best be leaving those bowls of porridge alone.
+There's only one bed that's just right for me, the bed with the truth in it. Which is probably the third one.
+All right, I'll tell you. I'll tell you about Bus Twenty-three.
+It was a cold winter -- two-vest cold.
+A bus was loaded with kids for a field trip. I was gonna shake 'em down for field trip money, but what I heard shook me worse than my Dad when I was a baby.
+Sir, this bus is too heavy to cross the ice bridge. They'll have to take a more circuitous route.
+There's no time to be safe! Now bang the side of that bus! Bang it twice!
+That bus never came back.
+So the answer to our mystery lies on the other side of that ice bridge.
+But it's summertime -- the ice bridge will be a water nothing.
+Hey, kids!
+If I tossed you guys a bucket full of something could you pour it out and toss the bucket back up? Don't drink it!
+That's where the ice bridge would be! Go down!
+Dad, stop!
+But there's so many buttons!
+Bart, take the controls!
+What videogame is this like?
+Blimp Assassin Three.
+For Wii or Xbox?
+Original or Three-Sixty?
+Fly the blimp, you spoiled kid!
+I'll save you, honey!
+Boy! Stomp on my head!
+Yes! And I've got gum on my shoe!
+You're a real jerrrk!
+Why you undead little...!
+That's not a real arm -- it's plastic!
+That doesn't mean you're any better than him, young lady. He could be a war hero.
+No, I mean they're mannequins!
+There's nothing I can do to save my sister, the blimp or this airship.
+All pooted out.
+Oh, I'm sorry, Homie.
+It's worse than you think. I have to buy you a new anniversary present.
+Skinner and Chalmers loaded that bus with those kids... but why?
+I can tell you why.
+Otto? Are you the one who left the message on the blackboard?
+Yeah, it was me. I was the bus driver when those sweet young angels were swallowed up by the river. Now I'm gonna join them.
+Otto, they're just mannequins!
+Me bleachers have been weaponized!
+Then... I'm not responsible for a horrible tragedy! And I didn't do anything wrong by fleeing the scene and not reporting it and killing that hobo with the big mouth. I might have imagined that last part.
+Skin-ner!
+When I say "drive us to Bolivia," that is your cue to start the damn car!
+I can't find the key!
+Looking for something?
+Yes. My car key.
+Does it look like... this?
+Yes. Quite a bit.
+He's got your key, Seymour.
+I suppose you want to know why this all happened. Picture what I'm describing in your minds.
+Years ago we received a government grant to improve the school. Unfortunately, I cashed it...and the money was in my pants when mother did the laundry.
+But these pants were good for another day.
+That's not your decision.
+I'm the boss of my own laundry!
+Well, you don't have to sleep next to you!
+To keep the feds from coming after us, we built the phony schoolrooms that you saw.
+So all you had to do was fill the class with mannequins and take a few pictures.
+Yes, except for one small glitch. We could only afford to rent the mannequins.
+If we didn't get them back by five, we'd be charged for the extra day.
+And they didn't pro-rate.
+Otto, maybe it was wrong of us to let you think you killed twenty-four children -- who could say?
+Abandon gym!
+Well, there's one thing you didn't count on: my Dad getting a giant wedding cake and my sister locking herself in the car.
+We planned for the wedding cake, we just didn't see the baby thing coming.
+Well, you should've.
+How could I? She wasn't even born yet.
+People have babies!
+Not to worry. They're just mannequins.
+No we're not!
+Maybe we'll fall real slow like "Inception."
+Oops. Guess not.
+Well done, the band. We're all bursting with pride after our girls' basketball team beat Shelbyville two-nothing in triple overtime! Now let's make some noise!!! Using our INSIDE VOICES!
+Please welcome Springfield Elementary's own Lady Pumas!
+I'm sorry, but the team all got food poisoning at the pre-rally egg salad sandwich party. Luckily, as equipment manager, I... was not... invited! Woo-hoo!
+No team? I guess I just have to give you all an hour of free play.
+Let chaos reign!
+Actually, I do have a speech prepared!
+Excellent! Free play cancelled!
+No one cancels my free play!
+Sorry, man.
+It's okay. Thanks for making me part of the revolution!
+Edna, control your student! He's ruined more assemblies than the afternoon sun in the west window!
+He's uncontrollable! Pumpkin stickers mean nothing to him!
+That's crazy talk!
+Little help...
+You unrepentant little twerp!
+Oh, Edna!
+It was an open hand! Does that help?
+Edna, we can tolerate mild alcoholism, leaving melted cheese in the microwave, even selling A's for cigarettes. But in laying a hand on a student, you have crossed a line.
+Nurse, get a slap kit.
+Right away, sir.
+In all my years of teaching, I've never raised a hand to a student.
+But you learned! You grew!
+No! You should never raise your hand to a child. Just leave the crust on their sandwiches. They'll get the message.
+Rest assured, Mrs. Simpson, that we have a zero-tolerance policy for this sort of thing when it occurs in front of witnesses.
+What's going to happen to me?
+Edna, you're suspended with full pay until the hearing, which is currently scheduled for fifty-seven years from tomorrow. It was going to be sixty, but I moved it up because I like the way you torment Skinner.
+So I still get my check, but I get to stay at home?
+I'm afraid it's not quite that simple.
+Uh Seymour, who's running this meeting?
+I thought I was.
+Edna, until the state disciplinary committee rules on your case, every workday you'll report to a school board holding facility -- an educational limbo as it were, where you are the un-baptized dead baby.
+They never seem to like that analogy.
+This is the "Rubber Room," where accused teachers are held until the school board decides what to do with them. You show up here every day, seven a.m. to four p.m. Shoes remain on and cell phones remain off. No wi-fi, and you may not refer to this experience as Kafkaesque or Orwellian.
+I have to come here every day?!
+Or, you could quit.
+You'd like that, wouldn't you?
+The only thing I'd like more is if I could quit.
+Well, I'm not quitting. I'm staying here till you give me my job back.
+So, what do you do for fun here?
+You'll find ways to pass the time. Me, I watch that crack in the ceiling.
+Hey, find your own crack!
+Now before I leave, let me turn on this malfunctioning air conditioner.
+Is that ice?
+No, no, they're spider eggs.
+He's a science teacher, he'll know what to do.
+Psst! Mrs. K!
+Down here!
+Haven't you caused enough trouble?
+You shouldn't suffer for my bad deed. It should just go unpunished forever.
+Fine, half-assed apology accepted. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of very important things to do.
+What else do you wanna talk about?
+Meet me in the bathroom.
+Check this out: a dead possum.
+Aye carumba!
+Okay, Bart, what's going on? I'm a teacher in a bathroom with a student. That's why most of these people are here in the first place.
+Mrs. K., I'm here to spring you.
+Well, that's kind of you. Especially after I nearly choked the life out of you.
+You didn't do that.
+No, but that's what I told everyone I did to earn the respect of the gangs.
+But I can't just wander out of here whenever I feel like it.
+Who says you're leaving?
+You made a dummy of me?
+Mm, I use it to workshop my pranks.
+Now follow me!
+I don't know about this.
+I can't believe a middle-aged woman is scared of a three-story drop.
+I'll show you who's middle-aged!
+Oh great! The one day I put cream cheese on my bagel!
+Did a volcano erupt in Candyland? 'Cause I just caught me a flyin' red hot!
+Ha! Ah...
+You know, I don't believe we've ever been formally introduced. Anyhoo, so I don't commit the deadliest of sins... omission... here's my card.
+Edna Krabappel. Good luck finding a rhyme for that.
+Okay, Ms. Krabappel, what made you topple?
+Oh, your card doesn't lie.
+Well, I'm a truthful kinda guy.
+And I like how it's printed in orange.
+So, uh, we were talkin' about why you decided to drop in to the "Flanders arms."
+For some reason I was following the advice of one Bart Simpson.
+Bart Simpson? Why, he lives right next door to me! Yeah, when they made him, they did not skimp on the puppy dog tails.
+And what about that father?
+Homer? Yeah, he's the peanut in your popcorn... lots of fun... I guess. So, what say we have lunch?
+...Y'know, I wouldn't mind Homer lying naked in his hammock, but does he have to string it up higher than the fence line?
+I'll bet your wife doesn't like it.
+Oh, I'm afraid my Maudie's putting plastic on the clouds now.
+Oh, you poor man.
+Besides my kids, the only thing in my life is my business... The Leftorium. We've been the anchor store in the "sad mall" for the last ten years.
+And you're a former Mrs. So, uh... where's your husband buried?
+Probably between the hooters of a coat check girl in Shelbyville. Ha!
+Oh boy, that laugh is infectious. Ha!... Ha!... that's fun!
+Thank you for lunch, Ned.
+Well thank you for taking me to that Pinkberry place. It's a lot less racy than its name would lead you to believe. Crossin' it off my "do-not-go" list.
+Well sir, I guess I better refenestrate ya.
+Any chance I could see you again?
+You know, I am a fallen woman...
+Whoa, slow down. I never go to "second entendre" on the first date.
+You've been in there for three hours! What are you doing, taking a bath?
+Awww...
+Good news, Edna. The governor crushed the teacher's union so you don't have to stay here anymore. Now I can just fire you.
+Where will I go?
+I'll rehire you. But you will have to work weekends as a prison guard.
+Well, I would get a chance to see lots of my former students. You've got a deal.
+Mmm! Getting sprung really made me feel like celebrating. Let's see what you're hiding under this sweater.
+Huh. Well, maybe I should lose a layer.
+Edna, you're a very beautiful woman... but I'm a little uh, you know... uncomfortable with premarital sex.
+Oh come on, Ned, we've both been married before. Those two boys of yours weren't delivered by stork.
+Little help... little help... Flanders, little help?
+Oh yes they were! We deliberately chose a Doctor Stork so we could say it without lying.
+But I think if we hold off for a while, you'll find I'm well worth the wait. Like a mild cheddar I get tangy when I'm sittin' on the shelf.
+Okay, I'll try it your way. But can I at least nibble on the cheese?
+Well, a little nibble won't hurt your appetite.
+You have the energy for one more?
+Absolutely. This is the best DVD about cheese-making I've ever seen.
+Oh, great.
+Episode Seventeen: Muenster.
+Oh, what the heck. I know it's impolite to make a move till episode twenty-five of a Ken Burns documentary, but you're that special.
+That's right, I'm down to my wife-blesser.
+It's pinot grigio time!
+See ya tomorrow, Teach.
+Don't remind me.
+Mrs. K.? Are you still bumping moustaches with Ned?
+Yes. And the way things are going, you're going to be seeing me here a lot.
+Even on snow days?
+Snow days, strike days, half-day afternoons, and all summer long! By the way -- you forgot to bring home your math worksheet.
+It's due tomorrow -- no excuses.
+But... what if my dog eats it?
+That's the dog that's always eating your homework?
+Yeah... um... he hates how learning has taken me to a place he'll never go. See?
+Hang on. Wait a minute.
+Homer, could you stop throwin' balls over my fence?
+Oh, absolutely, Ned. Sorry.
+Little help...
+Don't worry, sweetie. Daddy will put Jack back in the box.
+Okay, time to go back in the... night-night... This is harder than it looks... don't you humiliate me in front of my kid... I thought we had a deal, man!
+Well, if it isn't the local school marm... and his new girlfriend. That's a burn on you, Flanders.
+Pretty funny, Homer.
+It's not funny at all. Homer, I'd appreciate it if you weren't so rude to Ned.
+Whoa! Flanders, this chick does not get our thing!
+Actually... she sort of does.
+Homer, do you know how lucky you are? Ned is a wonderful, caring man, and a darn good neighbor!
+Language.
+Yeah, language.
+Sorry, Ned, but I can't watch this guy push you around anymore.
+Marge, tell her how I don't push Ned around.
+Actually, sometimes you do push Ned around.
+Don't do that, Homie. It rubs off your side hair.
+Hey Ned, can I borrow some hair?
+Which brings me to item number two on the agenda: I understand you borrowed a thing or two from Ned that you never returned...
+And I'll just take my tumbleweed back...
+See, Dad? Having Krabappel next door is nothing but trouble. Teachers should not be allowed to live near their students. We're natural enemies, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.
+Don't panic, son. We can bust up Teachy and Preachy. Here's what we do: I'll take Flanders out and remind him of the joys of the single life. You scare Rod and Todd by telling them Krabappel will become their evil stepmother.
+If fairy tales have taught us one thing, it's that first wives are perfect, second wives are horrible.
+Just the opposite of real life.
+Yeah, isn't this place great? If you're single you can come here every night.
+I don't wanna come here. Last time I did, someone slipped me a Mickey and wrote "CHURCHY JOE" on my face.
+It's your own fault. You gotta read the coaster.
+Ned, let's cut to the chase.
+Yeah, let me guess. You're probably gonna do something boneheaded like try to talk me outta seein' Edna.
+Ned, if it's boneheaded to talk you outta seein' Edna, then I don't wanna be brainheaded.
+Homer, listen to me. For a long time now I've been lookin' over the fence at that wonderful relationship you have with Marge. Then I remember what it was like to have a sweet woman of my own lying in a twin bed across the hall from mine.
+Someone to hold the other end of the sheet when I fold it up. Someone to put in my prayers.
+Oh Ned, I never dreamed that beneath those iddilies and diddilies there was a dude.
+That's right. And like any man, I put on my secret Christian underpants one leg at a time.
+Oh, you beautiful, beautiful wuss.
+And Cinderella's stepmom made her sew clothes and mop the floor.
+We do that already.
+Wanna see me load a bobbin?
+No, I...
+Give me that shirt. I'll patch the hole in the armpit.
+Haw haw!
+Can I get this by Tuesday?
+Ned, I have a confession to make: I may not have come here solely with the noble intention of getting drunk. But now, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you and Edna the best.
+Fellow barflies! To Ned Flanders and Edna Krabappel!
+What a fox!
+Yes! To Edna!
+Yeah, that broad is some dame!
+You all know Edna?
+Oh yeah, man!
+Everybody knows Edna.
+We made sweet music in the band room, poetry during English class, and you don't wanna know what we did in the multi-purpose room.
+Shut up.
+My email address is Edna-lover-one-seventy-two. It was the lowest number I could get!
+Guys, quit telling the truth!
+Yeah, Edna's amazing.
+Joey Kramer? The drummer from Aerosmith?
+Yup, that's me! And after a night with Edna, I couldn't walk this way, that way, or any other way. Ooh la la!
+Wait... you've all plucked a peach from her tree?
+Um... uh... So uh, Joey, is Wikipedia accurate when it says "Walk This Way" was inspired by "Young Frankenstein?"
+Well Homer, you really put one over on old stupid Flanders, here. Thanks a lot, neighbor.
+Don't you mean "neighboreeno?"
+No. Just plain neighbor.
+You stupid jerks! I can't believe you could be so cruel! Especially you, Joey Kramer!
+Ned, is anything wrong? You've been acting distracted all night.
+Oh I was just wondering how many boxes of staples I should order for the store. Does ten sound like a lot to you? Twenty? Fifty? What does sound like a lot to you?
+What exactly are we talking about here?
+Maybe we should just call it a night.
+Oh... okay. See you tomorrow?
+Yeah, give me a kiss, Neddy boy!
+That's right. Kiss all the men that have ever made their way to Edna's adventurous tongue.
+Including me! I shall be discreet in my tweets but brutal in my blog.
+We made love in so many elevators.
+Experiment.
+What is it?
+I can't do it! Edna, call me Delta Airlines 'cause I can't handle your extra baggage.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No leavin' until we all spook you on Edna's face. All right, pipe down back there, you'll get your chance!
+Oh come on, Moe, quit hoggin' her face!
+I hope you're proud of yourself, Homer.
+I've got some bad news for you, Marge. I'm actually not.
+Well, there's Ned out on his power walk. Maybe you should talk to him.
+Wha? My doctor said "don't walk."
+That was a traffic signal.
+He's a good man and a good neighbor and you're drinking coffee from his mug right now.
+Flanders, hold up!
+I know, I know you're not comfortable with all the guys Edna's seen around town.
+And country!
+Ned, I've learned that the only way a relationship survives is by forgiving! Endless, endless forgiving!
+And didn't the Easter bunny himself say "forgive them, father, for finding all my eggs?" And if a giant rabbit can lay chocolate eggs, maybe you and Edna can find a way to make it work.
+Edna, I had a long walk with Homer Simpson yesterday, and as I was carrying him back home, I had a lot of time to think.
+You've been with a lot of men, but I forgive you!
+You "forgive" me? You sanctimonious prude! Who are you to judge how I've lived my life? Ned, I'm not ashamed of dating those men, I'm proud.
+I still wear your bra!
+Well, not exactly proud, but I'm stuck. Ned, if we're gonna stay together, you have to promise that my past will never, ever get in our way.
+I guess this is gonna have to be decided by a higher power.
+So we're going to let the internet decide. Should Ned and Edna stay together? Visit thesimpsons.com and vote.
+We'll announce the results in next year's season premiere. Probably at the end so you'll watch the whole thing.
+There's a whole host of voting options -- friends with benefits, frenemies with frenefits, super friends with wonder pets, all designed to distract you while we take your personal information and use it to apply for credit cards in your name.
+Homer! Stop teasing!
+Right. Teasing.
+I'm waitin' for ya.
+Also, if you wanna find the real shooter of Mr. Burns, go back and look for more clues. They're all there!
+Homie, it was Maggie.
+Yeah, right. A baby shot a guy.
+Just vote! It's your duty as a citizen of TV.
+Good evening. Tonight we reveal to you the fate of Nedna. I have devoted my summer to a more meaningful task: savaging Mr. Popper's Penguins online. Anyway, the answer to Ned and Edna is carefully hidden in tonight's episode like a breadcrumb lodged inside my stomach crease. Enjoy.
+QUIET STEPS ARE WHAT I TAKE / SNEAKING IN AT NOON...
+JUST IN TIME FOR MY LUNCH BREAK / GOT MY FORK AND SPOON
+TIME THE CAMERAS JUST RIGHT,
+DUCK IN THE BATHROOM.
+Hi, Homer!
+I'M STILL DRUNK FROM LAST NIGHT, / GOT DRIVEN HOME, I DON'T KNOW BY WHOM.
+SOME MAY SAY / I DON'T DESERVE ANY PAY, BUT HEY / I CAME UP WITH "SIXTIES DAY"
+LAST MAY!
+While I'm here, I might as well pre-punch out...
+Hm, we've had a lot of bills lately. Better put in some overtime.
+Larry, my man!
+Hey, you're not Larry. How come you're not Larry?
+I wouldn't know, sir.
+Uh, listen, if you could indulge me... Larry and I fist-bump every morning. Like that...
+The warmth of human contact with a manly whiff of violence.
+Not interested.
+Hey, what's with that new security guard? He's acting all aloof. By the way, that's my word of the day: "he's."
+Maybe I was a little hard on him, expecting him to be Larry right away. By the way, where is Larry?
+Crazy house.
+Violent ward.
+Good ol' Larry.
+Say... Wayne, I couldn't help but notice that your breath doesn't smell like alcohol. You want to go grab a beer after work?
+I prefer not to have social interaction with coworkers. It, um... hasn't worked out for me in the past.
+Well, maybe he just doesn't like fist-bumping.
+Hey, Wayne.
+As God as my witness, this fist will be bumped.
+Put that fool thing down!
+We now return to "Master Chef -- Extreme Snack Edition."
+Marge, your ratio of peanut butter to cracker was spot on. And I loved the addition of the thin slice of apple. This was a great plate of food.
+Thank you! This is my third favorite reality cooking show!
+For your prize, you have won a brand new kitchen, which I will now become.
+Ow! Ow! Ow!... I miss my soul patch.
+Kids, enjoy your extreme snack!
+I am a female!
+Wait, this tastes different.
+I put a slice of apple in it!
+You know I hate surprises!
+You tricked us!
+I like routine. I like routine.
+Did you have a hard day too?
+No, a guy at work seems not to like me. I guess it's not much when you look at real problems in the world like major league umpires not using instant replay.
+It's big to you. Would you like a "get well" pork chop?
+I love you so much! Potatoes and gravy on the side, please.
+Charlie, wanna grab a beer?
+No, I was tipsy last night when a telephone survey called, so I told them to call back tonight for more accurate answers.
+Oh. Okay.
+Want a ride?
+I can walk.
+All right, Homer. You win.
+You know, I just got a little chill when you said my name.
+Every town I go to I run into some guy just like this.
+Look, I'm not weird or anything, I just like to feel like I'm friends with everybody.
+Homer, you're a nice guy. I'll have one beer with you. After that, we will have a courteous professional relationship -- and that's it. No secret Santa, we're not trading lunches...
+...and I don't want you calling me at home and saying "turn on channel six"...
+But what if the weathergirl--
+I don't care!
+Wow -- I can't believe Homer bagged the tiger!
+Excuse me, I need to use the...
+Men's room? Oh my god! We're completing each other's...
+Completing each other's... sen... ten... cesss...
+Totally surprising entrance!
+Hand over your cash and jewelry! Pronto!
+Okay now, don't want no trouble. Let me just get my cash out of my cash drawer here.
+Just, uh, linin' up all the Presidents nice and neat... ain't tryin' to be no hero ...
+Here you go.
+Thanks for the upgrade. Ha-ha!
+Stand back, Homer! I know what I'm doing.
+Well, we all know what we're doing. The question is, is it an appropriate reaction to the situation?
+Drunks are sooo boring!
+My fresco! That's coming out of your stealings!
+That's comin' out of your stealings!
+Wayne, maybe it's the me being still alive talking, but I think you're awesome.
+I'm just a guy who saw what needed to be done and did it.
+Oh, speakin' of which, let's get these eggs back in a jar.
+Wow, that's the farthest that one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat!
+It's great to have a home-cooked meal.
+Well, if anyone saves my Homie's life, they get a free meal. Which actually comes up about once a week.
+So Wayne, how'd you learn all those cool self-defense moves?
+I had training. Special training. The kind they're not allowed to give anymore.
+Sorry. I have to go.
+Oh c'mon, stay for dessert!
+Hey Simpson, you wanna hear about the big change in my life?
+Sure. Why not.
+It's best to concentrate on what you do have.
+I started drinking orange juice with pulp! I asked the Reverend and he said it was okay. Then he hung right up on me. That man is cranky at three in the mornin'.
+And here he is, this week's Noble Nobody!
+What the f--
+A quiet, unassuming security guard who foiled a robbery at a local tavern as seen in this Taiwanese animated dramatization.
+As the barflies look on, security guard Wayne dispatches the evil jailbird.
+The evil Moe takes back his eggs for later consumption.
+Then the barflies drank too much.
+The boy came to get his father.
+And they drove home.
+Please sir, just let me do my job.
+Pish tush! Wayne, as a reward for your valiant fisticuffery, I hereby award you the Springfield Nuclear Plant Silver Safety Hat!
+Thanks to you, Wayne, we did not lose the visible half of the moon.
+Just doing my job, sir.
+All too well. I'm afraid that protocol demands that I totally erase your memory.
+Die, you fascist bastard!
+Mother, is that you?
+Wayne, stop! That's Mr. Burns.
+I expect insolence, but rank insolence? Off with his job!
+Dammit.
+Why don't you come stay with us till you can get back on your feet?
+Really? Are you sure?
+Of course. I mean, how long could it be?
+I don't know. I've got no job... no references... can't afford my apartment.
+I have recurring flashbacks to a nightmarish past.
+That's funny, because I have recurring flash-forwards to a nightmarish future.
+Un-fair! Un-fair!
+That robot took our jobs!
+He said it.
+Or maybe it was him.
+Man, this robot really gets me.
+My nightmares are real.
+Your voice is so gravelly, just like Lauren Bacall's.
+If you don't listen to me, Senator, there's not going to be a Fourth of July!...
+Don't you get it -- he used the governor's eyeball for the retinal scan!... That's ten members of the electoral college dead in one day!
+If you don't give me those launch codes, you'll never be able to make the "o.k." sign again!
+I know the map is inside your eyelids and I will turn them inside-out if I have to!
+If you move that little top hat to St. James place, we'll all be blown to kingdom come!
+Bring me every fish in that aquarium! One of them is lying!
+I'm sorry I have so many nightmares. I've done unspeakable things, from Buenos Aires to the Ukraine.
+Well, what brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frito Lay distribution center?
+I needed somewhere to lie low, and your town appears on no maps or charts.
+Neh, they couldn't find a Google map photo without me naked or urinating.
+And when there was a map-maker's convention here, they all got Lou Gehrig's disease.
+Not the one you're thinking of, there's another one.
+So Lisa, if you press on Bart's elbow here...he'll tell you anything you want to know.
+You want to give it zero stars?
+I admit it! I let Milhouse lie down in your bed!
+Kids, can I talk to Wayne alone a minute?
+Remember everything they say and tell us later in rattle code.
+What do you mean "no?"
+I don't know if you should teach our children advanced interrogation techniques.
+I'm sorry, Marge. Sometimes I forget where I am.
+Apology accepted. Now could you teach me a couple little driving tricks?
+We'll see who gets their pick of pizza pockets!
+Give us your lunch money!
+What gives, man? Where'd you learn that stuff?
+If I told you I'd have to kill you. Can I tell ya?
+No! I won't listen!
+We can't keep servin' the same thing every day. These kids have mashed potatoes comin' out of their ears.
+Point taken.
+Oh my God! That song...
+I can't live in the real world anymore.
+This is the real world? Hallelujah, I'm still alive! Ha-ha! And I'll appreciate every moment, except the ones that aren't as good as they used to be, which is all of them. Ooh... someone kill me.
+Junk, junk, Beyoncé confirms she will play at my daughter's "sweet sixteen" party, humorous YouTubes sent by my brother -- mildly funny at best.
+Eh, sometimes they are good for giggle.
+"Auto-tune disaster victim"...
+HIDING IN THE BASEMENT / HIDING IN THE BASEMENT / AND I'M LIKE "WHERE'S THE CAT?" / WHERE WHERE'S THE CAT?
+Hmm... "Crazy man attacks boss?"
+Is him!
+American agent who caused the death of everyone I loved.
+No! We will go to "Springfield America" and kill this man. But first...
+HERE KITTY-KITTY-KITTY / HERE KITTY-KITTY-KITTY / OH, YOU'RE AN ANGEL NOW!
+WASHIN' OUT THE DOG POO / SURE BEATS PICKIN' IT UP / FLANDERS' DRIVEWAY IS MY GOAL...
+I am looking for a man named Wayne.
+Oh, he's gone. I don't know where he went.
+Are you friend of his?
+He has no friends.
+Except me!
+I see you are tight like borscht and beets. Tell me, if we kidnapped a friend of Wayne's, would he attempt to rescue that friend?
+Well, I suppose if the friend was being horribly tortured...
+Hey! Wha?! Wha?! Wha?!
+No, not the middle seat!
+This just in: a local man has been kidnapped by Ukrainian gangsters. We've received the following video.
+Death to America!
+Stick to script!
+Fine. I am being held somewhere in the Springfield area. Turn the card.
+Hold up today's newspaper!
+What will you guys use when there aren't newspapers anymore?
+Perhaps we'll be living in a world where there'll be no need to kidnap.
+Oh, well way to make me feel obsolete.
+Oh look, here's a coupon for scissors that you have to cut out. Think, geniuses.
+Shut up!
+Hey, hey! What are you doing?
+This is no way to treat the talent!
+Shut up!
+Oh God. I know that voice.
+Viktor!
+Darling, I told you to stay in your room!
+I told you the bedspread smells funny!
+Nyeeeet!
+Marge, I'll get your husband back.
+How are you going to find him?
+Homer is implanted with several highly powerful tracking chips.
+How did that happen?
+I left them out in a bowl and he ate them.
+I'd take a moment to enjoy those store names if I didn't have a job to do.
+Get outta here!
+I won a silver medal in Nagano!
+Cold. So cold.
+So, Wayne, once again you crash my party.
+So cold. Warm me up.
+Stop it!
+Just let me put my hands under your armpits.
+So much violence on the surface world. I'm going back.
+Cold. So cold.
+Now you can see why I can't stay in one place. Not here, not anywhere.
+How about living on a train that's always moving?
+You ever eat on a train, Marge? What they call a steak is barely a hamburger. Now Homer, there's one more thing before I go.
+Aww, that's what I call closure!
+Goodbye.
+Yes Maggie, we will have a use for you soon. Stay close to your busy box.
+Wait! I know a place you can go! A place where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home.
+Sir, this is the wrong form.
+Can you hold my space while I go get the right one?
+Nobody held my space when I was in a North Korean prison being forced to write a musical about Kim Jung Il with a car battery hooked up to my nipples!
+Pardon me, sir, can you tell me where the palace is?
+What business do you have at the palace?
+Why someday, I'm gonna be dear leader!
+You?! You're too benevolent to be dear leader!
+Let's see what they think.
+"K" IS FOR KOREA JUST THE NORTH PART / "I" IS FOR THE INTERNET HE BANS / "M" IS FOR THE MILLIONS THAT ARE MISSING / "J" IS FOR OUR HUMAN-TASTING JAM /
+"O" IS FOR OH BOY, WE LOVE OUR LEADER / "N" IS FOR THE BEST KOREA, NORTH / "G" IS FOR GEE WHIZ, WE LOVE OUR LEADER
+We just wanted to give you all a big thank you from Team Nedna.
+It's nice to know people still believe in love...
+Now wait just a minute! How come I wasn't an option in this contest?
+Typical Seymour, waits till the polls have closed before throwing his hat in the ring. I agree with America! You'll never give me a grandchild. Thank you.
+Shush me again and I'll take your head clean off.
+They always come up with such catchy ways to make us pay for things we don't need for kids we didn't want.
+Wow -- the gym ropes are seaweed, the basketball nets are fishing nets...
+Y'arr, just plastic. Which is healthier than what you find in the ocean.
+Buy a Springfield Elementary t-shirt?
+I don't want people to know my kids go to this lousy school.
+We also have t-shirts from... other schools.
+Ooh! We can wear those to the nice mall!
+And now it's time for lights, camera, auction! No cameras!
+Ooh, first item up for bid is... always a favorite, lunch with Principal Skinner!
+I'll just leave the food on your doorstep and ring the bell.
+Moving on. Next up for auction is this wonderful bench hand-crafted by our second-grade class.
+You don't have to yell!
+Don't buy it! I bought one last year and it was crap construction!
+Do I hear fifty dollars?
+Paddles down! It's the only way to change the system!
+Hello? Calling from England? Certainly I can put you on speakerphone.
+I am Edith Knickertwist, an eccentric widow.
+For this masterpiece I bid...one thousand dollars!
+Sold! To the mysterious and unverified Mrs. Knickertwist! Next item: our school band will play at a function of your choice!
+I bid four thousand dollars!
+Well, it looks like our model solar-system will finally get an Earth!
+...annnd that concludes tonight's auction, which has raised a school record one hundred and sixteen thousand dollars!
+And our windfall is all thanks to our dear new friend on the phone.
+'Allo, luvs!
+I've got a bad feeling about this.
+I'm Mrs. Knickertwist! And I've had a proper hardy-har at your expense!
+Why do I believe everything I hear in a British accent?
+He has thrust upon us the motley of the tomfool.
+I wore this all night for nothing?!
+Mr. Simpson, I know you're not one of our wealthier parents, but surely you'll honor your son's enormous debt.
+Why of course! Even if I don't have a legal obligation to pay, it's clearly the right thing to do.
+Here's one thousand dollars... two thousand dollars... three thousand dollars... Ooh, I need more cash. Better go to my invisible ATM.
+What? Two dollar charge for non-network bank?!
+SKIN-NER!
+Yes sir?
+I was very pleased with your work last night.
+Really?
+Nope! Fooled again!
+I'd say you're dumb as a post. But at least you can put a sign on a post that says "fresh strawberries -- one mile." You are a nitwit in an ill-fitting suit.
+I'll have you know I'm lop-shouldered.
+I'm sorry, what did you say?
+I said, I'm lop-shouldered! And I have been since I was hung by my armpits in a North Vietnamese prison!
+I... I didn't know that.
+Oh the list of things you don't know could fill a week's worth of morning announcements, with enough left over for a send-home flyer!
+There's no need for hyperbole, Seymour.
+If you think it's so easy to handle Bart Simpson, why don't you do it yourself?!
+You tell him, Seymour!
+As some guy said to some dude with a beard, "death to tyrants"!
+You mean Booth and Lincoln?
+I'm not the history teacher! Any more.
+Fine! I will personally take over Bart Simpson's education -- and for once, that boy's going to learn something! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm, expecting an important call and cell phone coverage in here is uh, spotty.
+Oh nicely done, Seymour! I guess there're some stones in your leaf bag after all.
+While I'm on a roll I'm gonna call that carpet cleaning service and tell them our hallway doesn't count as a room! Hello, is André there? Oh yes, I'll hold!
+...stacks of resumes in back seat...
+I know I can superintend -- superintend like the wind! But teach? It's been years. And we both know how that went, don't we Gary?
+So, you are the so-called Breakfast Club...
+Wrong room. We're The Fight Club.
+Thank God they never went on to do anything since.
+So, Simpson, you'll be studying with me now.
+Same garbage, different dumpster.
+We'll start with American history.
+Now I'm sure you know who these gentlemen are.
+Dollar bill guy, five dollar bill guy, sex guy, Will Ferrell, black guy.
+Bart, what if I told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy?
+I'd act like I'm interested, but inside I'd be bored.
+That's as good a place to start as any.
+Hey, this Roosevelt guy was sorta interesting. Did you know he was a colonel in the army?
+You don't say...
+And one time, during a speech, he was shot by a saloon-keeper -- but Teddy finished his speech before heading to the hospital!!
+I'm mad at you for some reason!
+I've never said this before, but I'd like to learn more!
+Man, Teddy Roosevelt killed more Spaniards in one day than most people do in their whole lives!
+Y'know, I hate to say it, Bart, but the library is about to close.
+Really? I wanted to learn more about trust busting. Take that, Standard Oil!
+Tomorrow, son. Tomorrow.
+Well, I've learned a lot today. Now to go home and let TV slowly rot it all away.
+Eh-eh-eh-eh. Not so fast. Teddy Roosevelt believed you could learn from books. But he also believed you could learn just as much from the out-of-doors.
+I thought teachers only went outdoors to smoke and cry.
+Yes... Son, have you ever seen a horse your father wasn't betting on?
+No sir.
+Come with me.
+So Bart, what have you learned so far?
+Well, when horses poop, they don't stop. They just keep walking.
+Uh, yes. Well here's another fun fact for you. All around you is a national park... created by Teddy Roosevelt.
+Wow. And here I thought God created all this. Thanks for setting me straight.
+Well, wait, I didn't mean that...
+You've filled my head with horse poop and atheism! And all these years I thought I was unteachable.
+Let's stop talking now.
+A man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards.
+Just quoting our twenty-sixth president, Lis. You could use a little T.R. in your life.
+Please! I went through my T.R. phase in first grade. Now I realize that the greatest Roosevelt is Franklin.
+Balderdash! Teddy Roosevelt protected America's wildlife!
+Yeah, so he could shoot it himself. Franklin Roosevelt led this country through the depression and World War Two!
+Face on a dime!
+Face on a mountain!
+I hated the Roosie-velts and all them family dynasties. The Kennedys, the Bushes, Jon Voigt and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daley and his smart ass son, the Daily Show.
+That's a lot of anger, Grampa.
+Well, I like Stephen Colbert, but that's because I don't get the joke.
+And on July first, 1898, Colonel Theodore Roosevelt and his band of Rough Riders charged up San Juan Hill and liberated Cuba.
+Cuba si! Castro no!
+I love Teddy Roosevelt because he had asthma as a boy!
+I love him because he said, "Bully!"
+The dude really knew how to rock some jodhpurs!
+Hey, maybe Chalmers would let you guys sit in on our lessons. After me, men!
+Bully-bully-bully-bully-bully!
+I'd be glad to have you boys join our experiment in manly education. The fact is, today's modern schools have completely failed you.
+School failed me? Does school have to go to summer Jimbo?
+Look at him, boys. He is the canary in the coal mine of a dying empire.
+You're in my coal mine now, bitches!
+Yeah. Boys are falling behind in every subject -- because our classrooms are entirely geared towards girls! It's all about feelings, and celebrating differences...
+But I loved reading "It's Cool to Cry!"
+Well, it's not cool to cry!
+Boys need to explore! Build things! Wreck those things! And then build them again! Our first lesson begins this Saturday -- with an overnight trip to Springfield Forest.
+Legend has it that Teddy Roosevelt visited the forest and lost a pair of his trademark spectacles. This weekend we set forth in search of those spectacles!
+This is all well and good, but I must know: what are spectacles?
+Glasses.
+One time I found an old washing machine over there that still had clothes in it.
+This place is as beautiful as the side of a Coors beer can. The kind my Dad used to leave in the bathtub.
+There are no bad fathers in the wilderness, boy.
+Bart, what are you doing?
+Y'know, Bart, morning's when I miss my Rosemary the most. She sure looked good in a pair of jammies.
+Dinguses! DINGUSES!
+I found 'em! Teddy Roosevelt's spectacles!
+Nicely done, Muntz!
+Could this be the moment my life starts to turn around? The moment I... huh?
+Gravity blows!
+Gary, you took these boys on an unauthorized field trip, and look what happened!
+He got some bumps and bruises and a thistle in his britches. What is the big deal?
+The big deal is I'm gonna sue you! Got me one of them "abogados" from the bus ads. He says he'll only take veinte por ciento, whatever that is.
+You have seen my picture on the side of a bus. And I am not smiling because I lost the case.
+Haw haw!
+I'm gonna take you for every peso you've got.
+How did she know we get paid in pesos?
+They took my job away, boys.
+Where to, boss?
+Just drive.
+Maybe it is cool to cry.
+Who can name the three types of rocks?
+Bart Simpson?
+Chalmers would actually take us out to see the rocks.
+You can see the rocks on page thirty-two of your science book.
+My book is missing page thirty-two.
+Put your head on the desk and shut your eyes.
+My desktop is sticky with soda from the kid that had it before me.
+Do as I say!
+Stupid fish! Don't you want to be my din-ner?!
+Hey, Gary.
+Simpson, you are looking at a man who was not good enough for the worst public school in America.
+Well, what would Teddy Roosevelt do?
+Son, I'm no Teddy Roosevelt. I'm not even Kermit Roosevelt.
+I call this meeting of the Brotherhood of the Spectacles to order. Our mission: to get Chalmers back his job.
+Hear hear! Hear hear!
+Bart, I wanna ask you about something I read in a magazine. Are you boys cyberbullying each other?
+How could we be? We're all in the same place and we don't have computers.
+Marge, I parented!
+That's great, Homie! Come have some ice cream on a brownie!
+Later, losers.
+I'm thinking of something big. So big it involves taking over the entire school and not giving it up till Chalmers gets his job back!
+Bart, your mother thinks there's something suspicious about all you boys having a meeting in this treehouse.
+Well, Dad, since you are taking an interest in us, maybe I should tell you...
+Marge, my ice cream's melting and I haven't finished my brownie!
+Come in and get some more!
+You guys need to get a woman.
+So, I'm considering taking drugs. Would the school advise for or against that?
+Oh, strongly against! Would you like to read this pamphlet?
+Oh well, would you read it with me?
+You see? This boy took drugs and his scores suffered.
+There's a car with its lights on in the teacher's lot.
+Late-'90s model...coffee stains on front seat...
+Taking over the school. With all the kids inside!
+What?! I'm telling Mom!
+Great. You can call her from the closet phone.
+Hello, Mom? You won't believe what Bart's doing.
+There really is a phone in there?
+So immature.
+Yo, teachwads! The Brotherhood of the Spectacles has taken over the school!
+Oh no, please. Don't make us start our weekend early.
+Our paychecks are in there.
+Why didn't I sign up for direct deposit!
+Bart, open this door now -- or I will jiggle the handle indefinitely!
+Suit yourself. We all rubbed it with boogers.
+Damn! Willie, break it down!
+Not so fast!
+Back it up, or the photocopier eats it!
+Oh my God! We've got a thirty-year mortgage on that photocopier! Willie, stay your tractor!
+Ye can't just turn her on and off like that!
+Oh, I guess you can.
+Okay, we've gotta stay focused: Jimbo, gather all the students in the gym. Milhouse, take a nap. You know how cranky you get.
+I do not!
+Dog Day Afterschool?! This is Kent Brockman outside Springfield Elementary with the parents of lockdown leader Bart Simpson.
+He's not a bad boy.
+He had a teacher who finally got through to him and they fired him.
+Are you covering me up?!
+Yes, I'm afraid we are.
+The least I can get out of this whole nightmare is some face time on the local news. It's kind of my way of sending a Christmas card. Happy Holidays, everyone! Family's fine!
+Dude, you'd better see this.
+I'm fine.
+Attention, Brotherhood of the Spectacles: you are ordered to immediately evacuate the school, and then return to school where you belong.
+I need to know that Chalmers will be taken care of!
+We don't negotiate with terrorists! Or the people that supply our uniforms and weapons. We just pay whatever they say.
+Let me talk to the boy!
+It's time for you to stand down, son. When I met you, you were nothing more than a thick file of infractions. Now I see a young man I'm proud to call my disciplinary problem.
+Thanks. But these rough riders aren't dismounting until you get your job back.
+What do you think, Chief? Can we take the building without hurtin' anybody?
+Well, if a group of Muppets can take Manhattan...
+Job restored!
+Increase in title?
+Fine. You're super-duperintendent.
+That's all I ever wanted.
+No hard feelings?
+Nothing but hard feelings, Seymour.
+It's beautiful, man! It's beautiful!
+Oh my God. Milhouse, did you take your nap?
+Does it look like I took my nap?
+Ay carumba!
+Sir, of all the books and movies about Teddy Roosevelt, which would you say is the most informative?
+No question: "Night at the Museum."
+One or two?
+Take your pick, you can't go wrong.
+Dad? Dad?
+He opened his eyes! Mommm!
+Okay... I'm on the floor... I can't move... so far a normal Sunday morning.
+Homie... you're paralyzed. But we love you and will never give up hope.
+Can his funeral be on a school day?
+This is so horrible -- I can't speak...
+How did this happen? Last thing I remember, I was decorating the house for Halloween.
+Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when the squalor of our home works to our advantage.
+Where's that spider?
+Squeeze, squeeze... squeeze, squeeze. A real spider would get so mad if I did this! I wonder if this thing has batteries.
+It's alive?!
+Well, at least I still look good.
+Okay handsome, that's enough primping!
+Just because you've had a little setback doesn't mean you can't look your best.
+Oh, Marge. This is the purest love there is: patient, supportive... ooh, cleavage!
+Dad, I'm going to entertain you with the help of "The Brothers Karamazov." "Alexey Fyodorovitch Karamazov was the third son of Fyodor Pavlovitch Karamazov... a landowner well known in our district in his own day, and still remembered among us owing to his gloomy and tragic death, which happened thirteen years ago, and which I shall describe in its proper place."
+Oh my God! She's still on the first sentence! Must make her stop... how to express my...
+Da-ad! Anyway, continuing: "For the present I will only say that this 'landowner' -- for so..."
+Ew, Dad! Wait a minute... Can you pass gas at will? Fart once for no, twice for yes.
+Oh my God! Do you realize what this means?
+Well, it means that you can communicate!
+Exactly!
+I'll recite the alphabet, and you tell me when to stop. A-B-C-D...
+Okay, first letter "D." Next letter: A-B-C-D-E-
+"D, E"... Amazing! Oh, but before we continue...
+Okay: A--
+"D, E, A..."
+"Dearest Marge, though my body cannot move, my heart still beats and my brain still brains."
+I miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say.
+"Perhaps someday there will be a cure. Although if it requires months of difficult physical therapy, I'll pass."
+"You are the shining light that gets me through my darkest hours. For further communication I will require more beans. I love you, baby."
+Oh, Homie...
+Shhh. Don't say a word.
+I guess my life isn't so bad. With the help of my loving family, I even published my first book...and I've finally reached a state of serenity and-- another spider!
+Oh man, what's this bite gonna do? My wrists are tingling... I feel new powers surging within me...
+He's got the proportionate strength of a paralyzed spider!
+Forget paying for my kid's operation -- I'm outta here!
+They say no two ass-webs are the same. Beautiful, in its way.
+Wanna go home and celebrate?
+I wish I could move like him.
+Springfield. My home town. Pretty little place. Although, even the Garden of Eden could use a nice cleansing rain now and then.
+Hey, whiskers. Wanna party?
+Spend less time on your back and more time on your knees.
+Have I lost my back-alley beauty? Well, those who can't do, teach.
+No more distractions. I have work to do.
+All these years I thought murder was a sin. Then, I got new instructions from the good Lord Himself, through my bible: in his favorite language -- English.
+Slay Montgomery Burns and pee in his ashes!
+Are you sure, Lord?
+If you're having trouble with the second part, drink a lot of water. Now I've gotta go. A hip hop star is thanking me at the V.M.A.'s.
+And so white-bread Ned became the avenging sword of the Lord.
+Peter, Andrew, James the Greater, James the Lesser, John, Philip, Thaddeus!
+Heavenly Father, I...
+Quiet, you! Your next divine whack job is a twofer: I command you to kill Patty and Selma Bouvier.
+Patty and Selma?! Sure they smoke, and they don't shave much of anything, but... do they deserve to die?
+Do not question me, the star of the Bible! Now, on a non-murder-related note...
+...I want you to find out what's making that funny noise in Homer Simpson's car. It's, uhhh, you know, it's like a chigga-chigga-chigga-chigga. But you only hear it when you're driving over thirty. And you never hear it when you take it to the shop.
+Then it sounds perfect!
+Yes, Lord.
+Homer, have you noticed how many of your enemies have died lately? Mr. Burns, Sideshow Bob...
+You forgot Patty and Selma. Oh, wait. That hasn't happened yet.
+Patty and Selma?! Who's next, Ned Flanders?
+Now, how would that work?
+Well, are we in Nebraska?
+Okay, Stupid Flanders, first I want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor who gave Homer Simpson a cone that had a little air in it.
+Really?
+Come on! God does crazy things! Check your Old Testament.
+Hey, Dad.
+Hey Bart... I mean, Jesus. Hey son, you want Flanders to kill anybody? He's totally in my power.
+Well... there's a tall boy in front of me in class so I can't see the board.
+And I sayeth unto you... slay every tall boy in town!
+Homer Simpson!
+You made a killer out of me!
+Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?
+I'm gonna kill you!
+Because of you I'm going to Hell!
+Language.
+Hell! Damn! Backside! Nothing matters anymore! I'm goin' down and my hand-basket seats two!
+Wake up, Flanders! There is no Hell, and there is no God. If there were, would He let me do this?
+Why you little!... /
+What happened?!
+Uh... Flanders killed Homer.
+But, but...
+But you're God. Couldn't you make everything the way it was?
+Well, I could. But the big man downstairs wouldn't like it.
+Get me a coffee!
+Yes, sir.
+Could this get any worse?
+Honey, come back to bed.
+Oh, for cryin' out loud!
+People, you are on the most inhospitable planet in the galaxy. Extreme temperatures... vicious indigenous life forms... Are there any questions? Yes?
+Are we in Kansas anymore?
+No! We're not in any state!
+Oh, oh, is it Michigan?
+Nobody talk anymore! You will now direct your attention to our C.E.O., Mr. Krusty the clown.
+We are here on this fakakta planet for one reason:
+"Hilarium." Spray this in an audience and they'll laugh at anything. And I need some now. Gotta play a Nazi party rally. Oh yeah, they're back.
+Our spies will go planet-side, locate said Hilarium and contact us so that we may begin extraction. This is a delicate mission that requires utter loyalty. I can think of no better candidate than the resentful guy in the wheelchair who has just arrived.
+Yes, I think this is gonna work out just fine.
+All strapped in?
+Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room!
+Whoa! Check out this bitchin' bod! Oh man, if I could just have five minutes alone with my old bullies...
+Hey, avatard.
+Are you guys gonna beat me up?
+Naw, we can't.
+These avatars cost eighty billion dollars each.
+But your human body costs nothin'.
+C'mon, let's bond, you stupid jerk.
+That's a Japanese outlet, Bart. You need an adapter.
+Maybe I'll just take a taxi.
+Where you go? Where you go? No meter, is cheaper, yeah?
+No thanks.
+Suit yourself, you one-eyed bastard.
+The only thing that looks good on this stupid planet are the bananas.
+Ay carumba!
+I am not yelling -- this is my seductive voice. I am called Kamala.
+Even when we're monsters, he gets the girl.
+Fool! Every part of this world is alive! Apologize to sister rock!
+Sorry, sister rock.
+Now you've murdered our brothers, the flowers!
+Stupid! Stupid!
+Now you're having sex with Uncle Tree!
+Thank the Almighty Fungus you are wiser... and cuter than your friend.
+Hey, what gives, man?
+And now let us touch testicles and mate for life.
+Don't you mean tentacles?
+I know what I said!
+Aye Carumba!
+Today you are a man. Mazel Tov!
+So... was it okay?
+It was serviceable.
+Man, back on earth we don't have so many moons.
+What do you mean, "back on earth?"
+Uh... it's a place on the other side of this planet that's... very rainy so you can only see one moon. You know, like Portland.
+I never hear of this Port-land. But on Rigel Seven, lack of eye contact and too many details indicate the telling of truth. I love you, sugar-slime.
+Man, you are full of surprises.
+I can't believe I'm getting combat pay for this.
+Well done, young man! Our daughter is with child.
+Here. Feel the wonder of one million fetuses!
+You said you were using birth control!
+That only keeps me from giving birth while we are having sex.
+How do those mountains float?
+They don't. They are falling.
+Now that Kamala has "a slug in the oven," we must make sure she gets her daily dose of Hilarium.
+Without it, her crankiness will become unbearable.
+Unfortunately our environment is too hostile to grow pickles.
+And the only flavor ice cream we have is butter brickle.
+To repeat: no pickles, butter brickle.
+It is the Rigelian way.
+Would that it were not.
+So, where can I load up on this "Hilarium?"
+Listen closely.
+The Hilarium is found in the sacred secretions of the queen!
+We have located the Hilarium. Lock in on my signal.
+Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on?!
+They're all in one place. Let's fry these calamari and dip 'em in a sauce made of their own blood!
+And wine from their own grapes.
+That's not so bad.
+It's a little bad!
+So Kamala, where do we keep all our tanks and planes and stuff?
+We have no "tanks." Our planet will protect us.
+Oh man, you sound like my art teacher. Look a little like her too.
+I guess this is a good time to tell you I've been a double agent all this time. But now I am totally on your side.
+And this is a good time to tell you I have space warts. And I got them from Mil-house.
+Time for a good old-fashioned servo-suit/bulldozer-saurus fight!
+Dammit!
+Yo, colonel!
+Uh, you've got some schmutz on your cheek.
+Where?... Here?
+Skin-ner!
+Had they asked for the Hilarium, we would simply have given it to them. In Rigelian there is no word for "yours" or "mine."
+That's the reason we didn't enjoy the movie "Yours, Mine and Ours."
+Halloween is over, which means America, it's time to start your Christmas shopping. Infuse our stagnant economy with dollars you don't really have.
+And whatever you do, avoid the urge to make homemade gifts.
+Knitting one sweater for someone costs twenty-seven Americans their jobs.
+Don't forget, Christmas is a wonderful time to take up alcoholism. You see your family all year round. The holidays are for your bartender.
+When are we doing the Black Swan?
+It's aliiiive!
+It's aliiiive!
+Friend?
+Bart, you wanna see something cool?
+Oh, did you pick that big scab off your knee?
+Don't touch the scab!
+My science fair project proves that an asteroid will strike the earth on July 15, 9789.
+Who cares? I'll be President of Hell by then.
+Fine. Good luck with your project, which I'm sure you haven't started yet.
+I'll tell you my project: a fisteroid hitting the planet nerd.
+That's pathetic.
+Jeez, I put a lot of time in this. Back to the drawing board.
+Hey Bart, is your cootie shot ready?
+No, the science fair's not till next week!
+I really need that shot. My dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
+How is it "accidentally" when this is the fifth time?
+Bart, isn't that awfully similar to the cootie patch you did last year?
+That was preventative, this is morning-after... eh, you're right.
+What am I gonna do? Good ideas don't grow on trees.
+Or do they?
+Good shot!
+That's not very attractive though.
+Not really -- I was trying to bounce it off your left testie.
+Testis, my friend.
+Look, I need help with my science fair project.
+To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.
+Ah, to be a mathlete without the M.
+Fly orb, and find thy hoop!
+I'm in.
+"In the event of a primary core breach, you have fifteen seconds to avoid a complete--
+A woman of stature!
+Roz Davis, your new assistant.
+Assistant? Well, I have been pretty overworked lately.
+But I guess I should find out a little bit about you.
+I'm just a gal from Ohio who never wants to call her daddy again and say "I need to borrow money."
+So your dad has money to lend?
+This is where we get our coffee. Just leave a little at the bottom so someone else has to make the next pot. The burning smell will let them know.
+Genius.
+Uh-oh, it's Old man Burns!
+Hello, Young man Burns.
+Oh, Simpson. You do know how to whip my buggy.
+That sucker soaks up flattery like a Twinkie soaks up gravy.
+Well, when it's a handsome guy like you talkin'...
+Oh well!
+Your giggle is like strawberry wine.
+And your snort's like a summer breeze.
+You okay?
+Bart, I fail to see the scientific function of this "Homer Humiliator" you've devised.
+Well, we gotta come up with something. Hey, what if we make some kind of robo-pet?
+What made you think of that?
+Thy will be done, Lord Vader. Please don't hurt me. Please.
+A robo-pet? Not a bad idea. Bully, Bart. Bully!
+Where? Is it Nelson?
+No Bart, it's just an expression.
+Who hath summoned me?!
+Baby seal, huh?
+Research shows it's impossible to gaze at a baby seal and say anything but...
+Precisely -- and at science fairs, the "awws" get the "A's."
+Heavens to Asimov!
+Hmmm... Must make sure these wires aren't crossed.
+Awww...
+Marge, get my seal club! The big one!
+They're all pretty big...
+I'm an experiment!
+Check it out.
+So, the soft fur, big eyes and gentle motion are designed to make it one helluva pet with none of the poop.
+This is the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my entire life!
+Life imitates Flart.
+It says that on the poster.
+What a wonderful science fair. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts we could not afford our third place ribbon. Now, in Second Place, Lisa Simpson's grim description of our short-sighted dependence on fossil fuels.
+It's about an asteroid!
+They're all the same, Gloomhilda.
+First Place goes to Bart Simpson and Martin Prince...
+...for creating a furry robotic friend who provides comfort when humans fail to, which they will, trust me.
+I carried you in my belly for four-and-a-half-months. When you fell out on the bus, that's when my job ended.
+Congratulations on gettin' a ribbon, Lisa -- you must've baked a mighty fine pie!
+It wasn't a pie, it was science! And it's not fair -- my project was way better than Bart's, and I didn't have help from a nerd! I'm my own nerd!
+Ha-ho sweetie, being second ain't the worst thing that can happen. Look at poor old Jasper over there.
+He lost his wife, his kids don't call. Soon he'll just be bones and beard.
+Wow! While I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, Bart's invention actually changed someone's life!
+And best of all I got funding for my Homer Humiliator.
+Why would a Homer Humiliator do this to me?
+Y'ello. Hey, Barney... a free movie screening? Of course I can go! I just need somebody to hold down the fort.
+Oh, uh, Roz, I have to step out for one hour and forty-three minutes. Could you cover for me?
+Go ahead.
+Woo hoo! Oh, uh, if an emergency alarm goes off, there's earplugs in the top drawer!
+I thought of it first.
+Marge, I just saw the greatest movie. Guess what happens when a mop is replaced with an octopus! I'll give you a clue, it's funny!
+Take off the 3-D glasses!
+Simpson! A gangly little bird told me you've been lollygagging at the Biograph.
+Someone snitched? Wha-wha-wha-wha-what are you gonna do to me?
+You're demoted.
+Up or down?
+Don't tell my wife.
+So, partner, what's next on the agenda?
+Oh... um...
+Back off, man. Can't you see you're embarrassing Bart?
+When did you take that picture?
+Last time you slept over at my house. I love when you're sleeping and at peace. START HERE
+Hey Skippy, we need some more of them loveable critters for our friends at the home.
+Unless you got any heroin.
+You got any heroin?
+Well then, critters it is.
+I'm telling you guys, Roz told Old Man Burns I ditched work early and now I'm her assistant.
+I dunno, Homer. You're sayin' she's nice on the outside, but mean on the inside? No one could pull that off!
+Enjoy. And as for you, Homer, don't worry. You're at Moe's tavern -- lady-free since eighty-three.
+What the-- This is a gentleman's club!
+So, what you boys drinkin'? I'm buyin'.
+Can we just have the cash value of the drink?
+I'd rather use my money to buy a Moe souvenir t-shirt.
+That comes in kid sizes too.
+This is terrible. What am I gonna do?
+Aren't you gonna come to bed, Homie?
+Can't, Marge. I'm fighting for my professional life here.
+Do you know what I just learned? My job is the reason I get those checks every week! And now that I'm demoted, the checks have gotten smaller! Not in physical size, but--
+I know! I know!
+I represent the Eternal Valley funeral home, and I'm here to talk about an extremely unpleasant subject: people continuing to live.
+If we don't have a frickin' funeral soon people, you can say goodbye to Howard's Flowers!
+Calm down, Howard Junior. Now here is the zip, the zap and the zing: we're gonna rewire Charlie Loveable here into the greatest threat to seniors' lives since nursing homes themselves.
+Switcheroo...
+Impressive. Hard to believe two ten-year-old kids built this.
+And I heard one of them did all the work.
+That's True. / Wow.
+Am I early?
+You're late.
+Since I got demoted I have to show my I.D., but the picture was taken so long ago I put on a lot of weight, so I have to stretch out my face and say "I used to look like this..."
+You're mean!
+Now, I want a list of a hundred ways to make your job worse by close of business today.
+Can one of the hundred be making the list?
+Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones?
+We're live at the Springfield Retirement Castle where long-time resident, Alice Glick, died last night -- at the paws of this cuddly little killer.
+Our Channel Six Substitute Medical Expert Dr. Nick Riviera had this to say:
+The champion was cleared to fight.
+Doctor, this press conference is about a nursing home death. The Springfield police are in the process of taking all the robots into custody...safely returning the seniors to their hopeless, dismal lives.
+Shut that thing off.
+I meant the TV!
+Hi, we need someone to re-program our robots to break out of jail.
+A chance to reprogram robots? Well, I had a date with a beauty queen tonight, but forget it. Hello, yes, hello, Miss Wyoming? I'll, I'll have to climb your Grand Tetons another night. The breast joke! I, I, I served it up.
+Why won't he love me?!
+Do this, do that. Lousy Roz, thinks she's so big...
+Well, looks like it's time for another "'End of the Walk' Talk With Homer and Ned." Tonight's topic: "The Niceness of the Evening."
+Homer, all nonsense aside, are you okalidokalaroony?
+I'm having problems with my new boss Roz. She's the most evil person to come out of Ohio since LeBron, but at least he thought long and hard before screwing everybody over, in public for no reason.
+Y'know, I knew a backstabbin' buckeye named Roz at Bible Camp. Twice as tall as she should've been.
+Is this her?
+C'mon. The apple must be wreaking havoc with the Twinkie!
+It is! But if you've got the stones, I can tell you how to slay that Gal-ioth.
+Are you aware that "stones" means "man junk?"
+No! Absolutely not!
+What the? I've been using that around the boys!
+Thank you. Now, it was one of our biggest celebrations...the nineteenth Sunday after Easter. We'd just had a rousing no-fun run and in the heat of the moment I wanted to offer my respectful best wishes.
+Peace be with you.
+Well, sir, she went crazy. Crazier than sleeping in on a Sunday.
+I can't stand to be touched! Never tell anyone!
+And I haven't. Not until now.
+That's it! That's it! My nightmare is over! Oh Flanders, you are my personal savior!
+Oh that's nice, but I don't approve of--
+Hail Flanders! Mightier than Jesus!
+Yes, I, uh, I hereby call to order this meeting of the North American Man-Bot Love Association.
+I'll say this one more time: we really should change that name.
+Yes, all right, I'll change it whatever you like, as long as Man-Bot Love is in there somewhere. Now let's look at these blueprints, shall we?
+Uh, first, we remotely adjust them so they will never be malicious again.
+There, there and there. Now, arise, little ones!
+Hey-hey! What's going on here? I'd better call 911. Ugh, it's always busy when I call. Oh, what a bunch of idiots.
+Aw, I can't stay mad at you. Go on! Get out of here!
+Oh, oh, Chief?
+Yeah, you too.
+Although this millennium is still young, I feel it is time to award this giant trophy paid for with your healthcare cuts...
+To our beloved Roz...
+What the deuce? Sarcastic clapping?
+Congratulations, Roz.
+What are you doing here, Simpson? If there isn't dry-cleaning in the back of my car, there's gonna be blood on my knuckles.
+Uh, I just came to say that you're perfect. So perfect, I think Mr. Burns should give you a hug.
+Who told you?
+I won't say, but his initials are S.F.
+Stupid Flanders.
+Hug! Hug! Hug!
+Hug! Hug! Hug!
+You're fired!
+I underestimated you.
+I don't know what that middle word means.
+Well, it means my perception of you is that you were kind of a goof, but now I see you're rather clever.
+What is perception?
+It's how I view you. You understand that?
+I used to think you were an idiot. Now it turns out you're not such an idiot, in fact, you might even be smart.
+Little help?
+Rub the butter around you.
+Need more butter! And not the unsalted.
+Do you want to get out of there or not?
+Mr. J., if I don't get my green card, they're gonna turn me back into a washing machine!
+No dawdling! Just move it along!
+Oy! Oy! My mechanical mensch, how I missed you!
+Bless you, boys. Now that we've got 'em back, we'll never let 'em go again.
+'Cause there's no stronger force than a senior citizen holding onto a freebie.
+... And here's a marble for Lisa for cleaning her room, and a marble for Bart for not trashing Lisa's room.
+The jars are full -- so you've earned your... Saturday Surprise Dad Day!
+This Saturday, from the Dad who brought you "cemetery paintball" and "go-karts on real roads," comes the greatest activity yet...
+Video game convention!
+And check these out...
+VIP passes!
+Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you're special?
+Wow, video games sure have changed since I was a kid. How many points does it take to get an extra life these days, son? Thirty thousand? Certainly not fifty.
+Games don't have lives or points anymore, Dad.
+I won't shed a tear when the oceans rise and wash this world away.
+Whoa! "Guts Of War Two: Entrails Of Intestinox!"
+Colon smash! / Rectum kill!
+We've made a game that'll reward the hardcore gamer with hundreds and hundreds of hours of--
+Finished it.
+But, working on this game cost me my marriage! I, I have twins I've never met!
+Well when you meet them, tell them your game's too easy.
+This game has all the best college marching bands! From the precision footwork of Ohio State to the lame, dead-on-arrival humor of Stanford!
+Uh-oh, I'm losing the crowd!
+Level cleared. Next level: study for chemistry test on twelve-hour bus ride home.
+This is the funnest game ever!
+Man, how many quarters does this game take?
+Dad! Funtendo is unveiling their new system in three minutes -- in Hall G!
+And we're in Hall D. Three halls, three minutes...
+No problem.
+She means the most authentic.
+Out of my way! / Move it! / Geeks must yield to normals!
+Room's full.
+Woo-hoo!
+Conventions rock!
+Fun Dad rocks!
+I need a nap!
+You kids have had a big day. Head up to the tub while I deflate your toys.
+Save us, Fun Dad!
+The kids sure had a good time with you.
+Yeah I was on today. Scary on.
+How come they never call me "Fun Mom?"
+Look, honey, a family's like a team. And on every team you have the slam-dunking megastar and... the referee.
+It's not fair. Moms want to be fun, but we're stuck with all the... mom stuff.
+Okay, okay, how about this: next week, you take the kids on a Saturday Surprise Dad Day.
+What if... We roll pennies and go to the dollar store!
+That's good, Marge -- get all the terrible ideas out of your system.
+Here's what I do: pick the thing that Marge would hate the most...
+I've got it!
+Your Saturday Surprise Mom Day is... the X-Games!
+Yay! / X-Games! X-Games! / Alright!
+That isn't an "X," Mom.
+Welcome to the "Cross" Games, Simpsons! A Christian fellowship expo!
+Are there at least games here?
+Oh no, "Games" stands for Gathering of American Messengers for Evangelical Sports!
+Sports?
+"Sports" stands for Strict Parental Oversight Rather Than Sports!
+Come on kids, fun comes from inside -- it isn't about what we actually do.
+Yes it is! That's all it is!
+You're right, you're right, you're right -- let's go.
+Thank the Lord! Two children to play debtors in the Parable of the Unjust Steward. All the other kids are at something called the "X-Games."
+I'm sorry, gang. I blew it.
+I hate it when grown-ups call kids "gang."
+Don't worry about it, Mom. Dad will take us on a great outing next weekend.
+Why do old squirrels always crawl into my engine to die? Guess we'll be making an unscheduled pit stop, gang.
+We're not a gang! Gangs are cool!
+Um Mom, where are we?
+Nowhere scary!
+Everything's fine... we'll just wait here for the tow truck.
+That newborn has earrings!
+Mom, we're hungry!
+I guess we could make a sprint for one of these local establishments.
+They're using pancakes as spoons!
+Ooo, let's see what else they do wrong!
+They're selling CDs in the restaurant.
+Back to the car.
+What can I get you?
+Oh, I'll just have a side salad...
+We have no side salad.
+Back to the car!
+Relax, Mom -- be adventurous.
+Yeah, just have fun -- Dad would.
+What's the craziest thing on the menu?
+Well, that would be the... "Zelzel Minchet Aletcha Wat."
+Then I'll have that!
+Okay Marge, you test drove a convertible once, you can do this.
+Holy casserole-y! That's good gloop!
+Whoa, spicy! I wish I lived in Ethiopia!
+Exotic... vegetarian... I can mention it in a college essay... Mom, this is amazing!
+Wait, wait, wait, what is she eating? They've never served me that dish -- and I wear indigenous beaded headgear!
+Oh this, it's just a little Zelzel Minchet Aletcha Wat. It's all I ever eat here.
+They have prepared her a dish from the... non-translated page.
+So grab a pancake and slurp some slop!
+Foodies, heed my call! Commence ripping and dipping!
+So, did all of your cars break down?
+Mom, they're here on purpose! They're foodies.
+Indeed! Our passion is to seek out interesting foods, savor their exotic flavors, then blog about them.
+We discovered Korean barbeque.
+Uhh... before the Koreans?
+Oh sure they cook it, but they don't "get" it.
+"When you stick a pancake into a friend's mouth, it's a 'goorsha.'" Everybody goorsha!
+Goorsha!
+Goorsha!
+Goorsha!
+Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha! Goorsha!
+Marge, the kids are acting ethnic!
+Relax, Homie. Have some leftover Galalalalalalalalah.
+Oh no, I don't eat anything new unless I've eaten it before!
+Aw, come on, Dad, be a foodie! You're already a fatty and a drunkie!
+I don't want to think about food, I want to like it. Why drive across town to "savor" a bowl of mystery mush when there's four different Krustyburgers we can see from our house?
+Oh, and here's my favorite restaurant: "la fridge!" It's open twenty-four hours a day and there's no dress code!
+What kind of American man doesn't want to explore global food culture?
+And then brag about it on the internet!
+We should start our own food blog... "The Three Mouthketeers!"
+"Three?" You mean, one, two... me?
+WE'RE BLOGGIN' A FOOD BLOG / MARGE AND BART AND LISA AS ONE NOW / WE'RE HAVIN' FUN NOW...
+THROWIN' DOWN MAD FOODIE GAME / KNOWIN' ALL THE CHEF'S NAMES
+ROLLIN' INTO K-TOWN / BIMBIMBAP AND BULGOGI
+THE HOTTIES THAT I CHILL WITH / ARE SRIRACHA AND KIMCHI
+HOUSE-MADE TERRINES / MY DUCKS ALWAYS CONFIT
+I BRAISE WITH A BILLION MORE BTUS THAN I NEED
+COOK THANKSGIVING TURKEY IN A TRASH BAG, SOUS-VIDE
+A FUMATORE IN BRINDISI FEDEXES ME SALAMI
+DON'T SCOOP ME GELATO UNLESS IT'S GOT UMAMI
+I'LL BE FRANK LIKE BRUNI / RUTHLESS LIKE REICHL
+WILEY LIKE DUFRESNE WHEN I TAKE THE MIC OUT / RHYME ABOUT RADICCHIO
+CRITICIZE COLICCHIO / EVERY PUB IS GASTRO
+ALL MY BEEF CARPACCIO
+THROW IT IN THE PHO YO
+AND DONTCHA CALL THAT PHO PHO
+TALK ABOUT BROTH-SQUIRTIN' DUMPLINGS / DUMPLINGS / DUMPLINGS / DUMPLINGS...
+WE'RE BLOGGIN' A FOOD BLOG / UPLOADING PICS WITH OUR FUN MOM, FUN MOM, FUN MOM...
+People are loving our list of Springfield's top ninety-nine Afghan restaurants.
+I feel bad for all those places that didn't make the cut.
+All right, food nerds, reality check...
+All the food in those pictures is poop by now. Minds blown, you're welcome.
+I'll remind you kids what real fun is!
+Hey hey, kids! Krustyland has a new ride! The Eyeballs Of Death!
+It only passed the safety panel by a three to two vote! And that third vote didn't come cheap!
+And I've got tickets for the grand opening Saturday night!
+Whoa! / Cool!
+Uh, kids... don't forget about our special plans Saturday night.
+Oh sorry, Dad. Our blog is so popular, we got an invitation to the most exclusive restaurant in town. Kent Brockman himself could only get a reservation at five-thirty or nine-thirty!
+It's called "El Chemistri" and they use science to make the food!
+Behold... pine needle sorbet!
+Pine needle... sorbet... Pine needle sorbet!! My kids do not eat sorbet, they eat sherbet, and they pronounce it "sherbert" and they wish it was ice cream!
+Sorry, Dad -- this is our thing now.
+Fine. Blow off "Fun Dad," go eat your walrus mustaches and deep-fried pixie wangs.
+Don't be so jealous, Homie, just because the kids are finally having fun doing something with me.
+Jealous? Me?! That is to laugh! The very idea... if anything you're the one who's jealous!
+Of what?
+Of how much fun I am to be around! It's always a party with Fun Dad!
+Too sad to walk! Too sad and fun to walk...
+What are you doing?
+When I'm sad, I make baseball bats.
+Homie, I don't want you to feel excluded. Would you like to come with us to dinner at El Chemistri?
+Really? You'd let me in on your thing? Even though I think it's stupid?
+Of course.
+Hand me that saw, Marge!
+When I'm happy, I make birdhouses!
+Kids! Guess what? Mom invited me to your fancy dinner!
+I guess Fun Dad is a foodie now!
+Food Dad! Food Dad! Food Dad!
+I'm food bad-boy Tony Bourdain. There's nowhere I won't go and nothing I won't eat -- as long as I'm paid in emeralds and my hotel room has a bidet that shoots warm champagne.
+I'm here at a Singapore street-food market with famous blogging family, the Three Mouthketeers.
+Marge, you've got to try some of this "hang hir kuay chap."
+Ooo, triple spicy barbequed stingray stuffed with pig organs!
+Fun Dad is a foodie now!
+This is my thing and always will be!
+Food Dad! Food Dad! Food Dad!
+Everything's more fun with Homer!
+But this was all I had!
+Stop your bloody whingeing, Marge.
+Gordon Ramsay!
+You -ed it up, big blue, didn't you? Why did you invite Homer? He stole your bloody thunder! You're not as -ing fun as him, and you never will be!
+Darling, darling, crying's not fun! Homer's fun! Now get out of my dream!
+It's my dream!
+Not any more it's not! Ramsay awake!
+What the hell was that?!
+Fun me... fun me... fun me...
+Kids, I was thinking... was it really such a great idea to invite your father to that dinner?
+Relax -- Dad will be the life of the party. He'll be the fourth Mouth-keteer.
+But there weren't Four Musketeers...
+Yeah-huh: Athos, Porthos, Aramis and D'Artagnan.
+Oh honey, I always liked yer home-cooked better anyways.
+D'Artagnan wasn't a musketeer! He only had a letter of introduction to the captain of the guards -- which he lost!
+You know, I'm pretty excited about this far-out dinner. Maybe I'll like it.
+Oh, I doubt it. You sit at communal tables, full of hipsters.
+Well, actually, I've come around on hipsters. Takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.
+And the food will all be weird foams -- cooked with chemicals, or served in a test tube. It's too crazy for you.
+So it's weird -- don't worry, I'll make it fun.
+Yeah, you always do. Well, here's where to meet us...
+1501 W-- East Oak Street.
+East Oak Street, is that it?
+Uhh... Yes! Yes! East Oak Street. That's where you should go. See ya there!
+Don't you judge me.
+Eh, save it for the sitter!
+Welcome to El Chemistri. Pease place these mints in your mouth. And when your table's ready, they will vibrate.
+Here it is: 1501 East Oak. No name on the door -- very trendy.
+What do you want?
+Is this the chemical kitchen place where you do the crazy cooking?
+Quiet, man!
+The experience begins!
+Where's Dad?
+Um... I don't know. Probably changed his mind and stopped off for donuts.
+Before you is a deconstructed Caesar salad: romaine lettuce gel, egg yolk ice, crouton foam and anchovy air. You eat it like this: gel-ice-foam-air-foam-ice-gel-foam-air.
+Just like Marge said -- chemicals and test tubes. The open kitchen is a nice touch.
+I guess I'll get started before my family gets here. How much for a taste, you know, just to get me going?
+Fifty bucks.
+Ouch, this place is fancy.
+The next course is... "Regret."
+Hipsters... Too cool for school...
+You don't look like the kind of guy who does this.
+Well, my wife thinks it's too crazy for me, but I'm gonna prove her wrong.
+I'm doing this for my family!
+All right, breaking baddies, drop the meth!
+Pick up the meth! Pick up the meth!
+This better be dinner theater!
+And now... pork chops one hundred ways!
+A hundred pork chops!
+I can't believe Dad is missing this!
+Sure, your Dad's great, but I'm fun too -- look at me eat, huh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
+Who am I kidding? I'm not enjoying this -- even the foam tastes like nothing. I'm calling Homer.
+Marge! This isn't a food restaurant! It's a meth restaurant! A meth-taurant!
+Foodies, help me! My husband's in danger!
+We can't leave now. We haven't had the root vegetables cooked in the perfect vacuum of outer space!
+They say you can't even understand parsnips until you've had zero-g parsnips!
+How dare you walk out on me! Your dessert is in this doggie-bag woven from the silk of a blueberry-fed spider. Take it and go!
+Aw shucks, we get the family dressed up to go to our favorite meth lab, and it's all raided-out!
+Uh, where do you think you're going?
+A wife needs to tell her husband she was wrong!
+And in you go!
+Everything you've done here has created problems!
+I've got to save him!
+My dessert!
+Eat deconstructed apple pie!
+Merci Maman pour la tarte tatin à la mode...
+Oh Marge, you saved me from the danger you put me in... I am so happy and angry.
+I'm sorry... I guess I just wanted the kids to look at me the way they look at you.
+Wow Mom, that was awesome!
+We ate mad-scientist food and broke up a meth lab in the same day!
+Fun Mom! Fun Mom! Fun Mom!
+Now that's my kind of foam.
+This is nice -- a family fun day!
+Here's fifty bucks. For the next two hours, I don't want to know you exist.
+Family fun day.
+Our journey begins sixty-five million years ago, when amazing creatures took their first steps...
+It's so cute that all these children are excited to see their favorite dinosaurs!
+These aren't dinosaurs -- dinosaurs sing!
+I wanna go back in mommy!
+I paid eight-hundred dollars for five minutes.
+... the dinosaurs ruled the earth for millions of years -- until a massive asteroid collided with the earth, bringing their reign to an end.
+Ex-tinct!
+We're not here for you, we're here for Lenny.
+So remember, take good care of the earth, or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs.
+Ooo kids, did you hear that lesson?
+How is that the lesson? The point of the dinosaurs is: no matter what we do an asteroid's gonna wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place.
+Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?
+What? They've got a point.
+Gift shop!
+All right, you can each have one toy.
+Lisa has a big toy! No fair! That means I get two small toys!
+No fair! This isn't big, it's medium!
+No fair, then I get four small toys and Lisa gets one medium and one small.
+He gets four and I only get two?! No fair!
+All right, that's it! Forget it! No toys for anyone!
+Okay -- Maggie gets a toy!
+NO FAIR!
+Choke on fossil poop!
+Hey -- I know you...
+Wait! Wait! Come back! Dad! Follow that dinosaur!
+I've waited my whole life to hear that!
+Triceratops head, comin' through!
+Stegosaurus backplates, used for either defense or control of body temperature, comin' through!
+So tired... go on without me.
+You're T.R. Francis! You wrote the Angelica Button books! They're my favorite fantasy novels!
+Um... Yes, it's me, the creator of your beloved magical world! Full of whimsy and... chapters... Now off you go! Bye-bye now!
+And they're set at a place kids relate to. Say, a school.
+But why are you working at a dinosaur show? And why did you run away from me? And how did Angelica get a new wand after Baron Mortdeath burned the Wandwood Forest? And--
+Look, you seem like a smart kid, so here's the truth: T.R. Francis isn't real.
+Of course you're real! Everybody knows you got the idea for this series after an explosion at a crumpet factory knocked you off a double-decker bus. How could that be made up?!
+I'm just an actress they used for the jacket photo. That "inspirational life story" is pure fiction. Oh, I hate to break it to you...
+...but all the books you kids love are conceived in executive boardrooms...The plots are based on market research...
+...and the pages are churned out by a room full of pill-popping lit majors desperate for work.
+Publishers rake in the cash and unsuspecting kids get ten books a year by their favorite "author."
+Everything I believed about young adult literature is a lie!
+It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head!
+Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus.
+I demand to speak to my paleontologist!
+Can I have my allowance early? I need to buy some carbon-offset credits so I can burn all my Angelica Button books.
+Oh honey, I'm sorry your book lady turned out to be a dinosaur. But you liked the stories when you read them, so what does it matter?
+Doesn't it bother you that Betty Crocker is an invention of twenties-era ad men?
+I know you're hurting, but that's no reason to lash out at me.
+Can you believe publishers would lie to their readers just to make an easy million bucks?
+A million bucks?
+Every book on the "Young Adult" charts is written by five idiots who just want to take advantage of kids!
+I know five idiots!
+And they just cash their checks and get away with it every time! It's the perfect crime -- as long as you don't mind betraying the trust of vulnerable young minds.
+The perfect crime, eh?
+Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.
+A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
+I like the beat -- play me the tune.
+We're taking down kids who read.
+Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach, but what's the cream?
+I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write.
+Tween-lit gang-write?
+Tween-lit gang-write. But this Babar needs a Zephyr.
+A Zephyr?
+You're the Zephyr.
+This better not turn out like Kansas City.
+It won't be like Kansas City.
+Come on, Skinner, you're the best kid-man in the business. You've read their notes, searched their lockers -- you know how tweens think.
+No thanks, gentlemen, I've got a nice quiet life here, and I mean to keep it that way.
+Your friends are lookin' at my bloomers -- wash 'em again!
+With your share of the money, you could get your own studio apartment...
+The refrigerator could have my magnets on it.
+I'm in.
+Come on beautiful, I can't do the job without you, so what do you say?
+Our crew needs you, Bouvier. You've read enough fantasy novels to choke a Hippogriff!
+It's true. I am fluent in every imaginary language, from Dothraki to Parseltongue.
+I wouldn't join one of your hare-brained schemes for all the Japanese girlfriend pillows in Kyoto!
+Sorry, guys. I just adopted a Capuchin monkey and I can't leave it alone during the bonding phase.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait, I want in! What does your crew need? A safecracker? A wheel man?
+The caper is writing a kids' fantasy novel.
+Well, I don't like to brag about it, but I did publish five modestly successful children's books.
+All we need now is a computer guy...
+Do you have a computer?
+Uh, yes.
+You're in.
+In what?
+I keep going over the job from every angle, but I can't shake the feeling that we're missing something.
+Relax, with the team we put together, our book'll fly off the shelves, and we'll be sipping mai tais on a beach in Shelbyville.
+You're group-writing a book?! But the only reason anyone would ever do that is... profit!
+Like no one ever writes for money, Lisa. I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare missing too many meals.
+I'll show you! I'll write a book myself! A personal story my readers will connect with!
+Wait, you're gonna be all the guys? How would that work?
+This is how real writers do it. I'll just bang out two thousand words and then I'll stop, even if I'm on fire. I gotta pace myself. "Chapter one." Wait, I can't start without music to inspire me.
+Why is Bach next to Muddy Waters? That's my problem -- I gotta get these CDs organized!
+There, finished. Now if I win just two more games of online Boggle, I'll be ready to start writing.
+Spot, stop, sop, top-tops, pot-pots, opt-opts, post!
+Okay, we've cased a lot of tween books -- what's their M.O.?
+The heroes are all orphans...
+But it's actually magic!
+And the protagonist always discovers that he is supernatural!
+Okay, our book will be about... an orphan who goes to a magical school... where he discovers he's... a vampire!
+Vampires... like these?
+So many vampires! With the fangs and the capes and the medals nobody knows how they earned them!
+Hey, this job's fallin' apart! Everyone head for a different airport and we meet in Rio in a year with new faces!
+No one's goin' anywhere. Okay, the vampire genre is sucked out. All we gotta do is find a new monster to be our hero.
+A troll!
+Hey, I ain't a troll. Look, I bleed red just like you.
+The first part is always green, but it turns red.
+A troll, that's it! Our book could be about an orphan troll!
+Trolls live under bridges -- the school should be under a bridge! The Brooklyn Bridge!
+And the cool kids are elves, the cheerleaders are pixies, the stoners are... gargoyles!
+And they play a complicated sport which makes no sense called Fuzzlepitch!
+Yeah, that's good!
+We've cracked it!
+We're gonna be rich!
+Pardon me, but are you scheming to coauthor a successful series of children's fantasy novels?
+Okay Stonehenge, let's see how good you are at eavesdroppin' without a throat!
+Don't kill him! That's Neil Gaiman!
+I don't care if he's the guy who wrote "Sandman Volume One: Preludes And Nocturnes," no one spies on us!
+Perhaps someone of my experience would be a valuable addition to your "crew."
+The king of fantasy books on our fantasy book-writing team?
+Okay, Gaiman, you're in. Your job is to get lunch. And lose the British accent.
+Cheeseburgers, French fries -- I'm all over that, pal!
+But why?
+Sitting in a coffee shop -- I couldn't feel more like a real writer! Oh, Better set up my wi-fi in case I need to do some research! But if I'm gonna use their free internet, I really should buy something.
+God, I love being a writer!
+"...and so, Lucinda placed the fifth shard in the stained-glass window, which now clearly read: 'your parents are alive.' Gregor turned to his twin sister and they both understood: their journey was just beginning. The end."
+It's good. "Weekly Reader Star Selection" good.
+I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is.
+Who wants to see my cover mock-up?!
+The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy.
+I'm so proud of us.
+Oh, you didn't write any of it!
+That tuna didn't salad itself!
+I've got it! A mermaid falls in love with a boy on land... I'm a genius!
+Writing is the hardest thing ever!
+Hope you don't mind us printing our book in your room, Lis.
+Yeah, only your professional-strength output tray can handle the weight of our manuscript.
+Correction: finished manuscript.
+Woo-hoo!
+Trolls in a magical prep school under the Brooklyn Bridge? Interesting.
+This is a really good book.
+We know, we wrote it.
+I laminated the lunch menus and put them in a binder!
+But we have a problem here. Where's your fake author?
+Fake author?
+Because a little girl wants her dream to come true...
+Fake author! If you don't have a made-up author with an inspirational tale, you don't have a book!
+Where's your Franklin W. Dixon, where's your T.R. Francis, where's your Stephen King...
+Stupid, stupid, stupid! We forgot to create a fake author!
+That was Gaiman's job! Let's acid melt him in a bathtub!
+Okay, stay frosty! All we need to do is find some sap to pretend to be the writer of our book. So hit the floor and find some pathetic wanna-be author!
+Coming to the book fair was a great idea... 'Cause you can't write if you don't know what the competition's up to!
+A dog wrote a bestseller?! Aargh! All I've done is procrastinate! Who am I kidding? There will never be a book with my name on it.
+Or... your name could be on a book in ten minutes.
+Do I have to do any writing?
+I'm in.
+Ahhh... a preteen prodigy -- I like the hook. What's the phony back story?
+I was raised in a traveling circus. My mother was a lady ringmaster and my father was a lion barber. I wrote my first story with clown lipstick on a flattened popcorn box. It was featured in The New Yorker's "Best Forty Under Four" issue.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa... Is R.L. Stine here? 'Cause you just gave me "Goosebumps."
+/ Oh, good one, boss!
+Congratulations -- you just sold your book for a million dollars!
+Gentlemen! To "The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy!"
+So, does this square us for Kansas City?
+Square as "Golden Books," Pop.
+What happened to me? In one vulnerable moment I became the thing I hated most -- a literary fraud.
+But Lis, when this book comes out, you'll be beloved! Not just by Milhouses, you'll get attention from Jacksons, Xanders -- even Aidens!
+Aww, I've always wanted an Aiden...
+Here it is: an advance copy.
+"The Vampire Twins Of Transylvania Prep?!" Where's the trolls?
+The trolls are now vampires, the Brooklyn Bridge is now a castle, and Fuzzlepitch is now Bloodball! Oh! Weak! Weak! And lame!
+How could the publishers change our book? If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, the whole thing would be vampires -- instead of the pope's private naked dude mural!
+Look, we market-tested the book, and it really got dinged on the whole "trolls" thing. I mean dinged! So we made some changes. Don't feel bad. Before we got our hands on "Twilight," it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem.
+But teenagers weren't going to spend their allowances to join Team Schmul.
+But the trolls were the best part! Do the characters still say "troll-y" instead of "cool?"
+Oh, that is so untroll-y!
+Hey, if you don't want your words changed, write a screenplay. We own your book -- so why don't you go and cry into your million-dollar check.
+How could they do this to our book?
+It was the singular vision of seven people.
+What you're feeling is called "pride of authorship." You thought you only cared about money, but you actually care more about what you've created together.
+British Fonzie is right. Our story is actually more important... than money.
+I was gonna buy the apartment next door and fill it with dolls, but now that just sounds stupid!
+They can't do this to us -- we've gotta fight back!
+Yeah! / Let's get 'em! / Oh yes! / He's right!
+Rule number one of book heists: "never fall in love with the book." We queer the deal -- we lose the money!
+Bart, remember the thousand-year war between the trolls and the ogres?
+Now it's a dance contest at the vampire prom.
+Let's steal back our book.
+Somewhere in that building is a computer with their sucky version of our masterpiece.
+The book prints at midnight. So if we swap in the original version , they'll print the wrong book -- our book.
+And before the publishers can do anything about it, "The Troll Twins Of Underbridge Academy" will be in every bookstore in America!
+This is the Fuzzlepitch Finals, and tonight, we drink from the Wazzle Cup!
+Hello, I'm the pizza delivery man.
+We didn't order a pizza.
+No, of course you didn't. The establishment I work for delivers pizzas to everyone, and then gives the customer the option of accepting or refusing delivery.
+That's a terrible business strategy.
+No, no, it's quite sound.
+Okay, fine. Where's the pizza?
+The central computer is through here. All we have to do is upload our file and--
+Good evening, gentlemen.
+Kansas City.
+Kansas City.
+So, you thought you would un-ruin your book. If it's any consolation, you never had a chance.
+Woo-hoo! All right!
+Someone in your gang tipped me off to your little caper.
+A traitor?
+I bet it's the Earl of Marmalade over here.
+No, guys... it was me.
+/ It can't be! / Oh betrayal!
+It's always a dame.
+My name is finally on a book!
+And they're letting me write the sequel! A hard deadline is just the kick in the pants I need to focus and get some serious writing done!
+Now to enter the password and to authorize final publication. My favorite theme of wall calendars...
+Lisa, would you care to do the honors?
+I'm sorry.
+Oh, by the way, the audio book is only available... abridged! Abridged!!!
+Well, we may have lost, but we gave the bad guy a laugh -- that's something.
+Our book! The real one!
+/ Yes! / Wonderful words!
+No need to thank me, boys.
+Hey, you wouldn't say that... unless there was a need to thank you.
+You could never have printed your version of the book without the publisher's password...
+So I pretended to betray you... then after he typed the password...
+I secretly switched the flash drives.
+You switched the drives?
+I got the idea from every movie ever made.
+And the best part is, my face is still on the back flap.
+Gaiman!
+Poor Lisa, did it never occur to her that there might be three flash drives?
+I've heisted my way to the bestseller list once again. And the most brilliant part is... I don't even know how to read.
+Gaiman, I've been waitin' to do this for a long time.
+Congratulations, partner! We did it.
+Neil, how come you watched me drink mine but didn't drink yours?
+It's simple, Moe. I don't like the taste... of poison.
+Awwww... crap.
+Is there any better feeling than waiting for a live Krusty show to start?
+Maybe watching your bride coming down the aisle.
+Why does she get to eat before the reception?
+Seltzer bottle connected and pressurized?
+Roll-up dicky set to six?
+Nope. Eleven!
+My comedy comes from taking risks! Or avoiding them, I can't remember.
+Krusty, we need to talk.
+Make it fast. I've got a coiled up spring ready to boi-oi-oi-oi-oing. Why can't I be funny with just my words? Bill Maher doesn't put dangerous things near his crotch except when he's off work.
+It's about your vodka, "Absolut Krusty."
+We're having trouble persuading people it's hip to drink a vodka made by a clown, in a bottle shaped like a clown, that does this when you open it...
+Always gets me.
+Yeah, plus that TV special where you drank another brand of vodka didn't help.
+I used up my stuff poisoning deer!
+If we're ever gonna sell your vodka, we need to do something completely unorthodox: a viral marketing campaign.
+Get to the point! Unless you want a face full of clown chunks!
+People are more likely to drink your vodka if they think all their coolest friends are drinking it.
+So we pay for a big party at the home of a Springfield trendsetter.
+...your Brockman, your Bumblebee Man...
+He invites his cool friends, we serve free cocktails, made with your vodka, generating buzz.
+We've got buzz.
+Positive buzz.
+That exists? Wow.
+Boy, everyone from the nuclear plant is here. Except the bosses, of course.
+So all you have to do is find one of your loyal fans whose house we can trash and friends you can exploit.
+I need a drink.
+Not that! Never that!
+Hey, hey kids! Who wants to host a viral marketing event?
+All you have to do is write me a letter about how hip and influential your parents are.
+Milhouse, I'm gonna win that thing.
+How do you know, Bart? Maybe for once I'll win.
+Children of troubled marriages not eligible.
+So... why are you here? Is it about that unauthorized Krusty lookalike I hired for Lisa's first communion? What was his name?
+Krappy the Klunk.
+Homer, we're here to throw the most redonkulous marketing outreach this town's ever seen. All you have to do is invite every cool person you know.
+Hey, I wrote the application. Do any of my friends get to come?
+One friend. He can listen to music with headphones on, he gets one slice of cheese pizza, and if the party gets slow, he has to pretend to let Krusty save him from drowning.
+Redonkulous!
+Off the dilge!
+This party is so much better than the crummy ones we plan.
+I hope Bart's having fun.
+And that's why John Gielgud is more of a father to me than my own father!
+Where's the nachos you promised?
+There'll be time enough for nachos!
+Why can't I go to the grownup room?
+You said the clown scared you.
+Well he did a little.
+Yeah, even Homer's not dumb enough to invite...
+This is the famous "party."
+Feh. Guh. Pffoy.
+He's destroying our youthful demographic!
+Oh God, I need a drink!
+...so the car in front of us forgot to validate his... um...
+I was in an anecdote once!
+Um, I have surgery in the morning.
+Yeah and... I'm the one having the surgery.
+Homer, you're the nominal host! Do something!
+Mr. Burns, so glad you're here! Finally the party can get started!
+Your cotillion seems to be in full promenade.
+Good one... uh... Mr. Burns, everyone is dying to hear you sing karaoke.
+C'mon, just pick a popular song.
+Do you have anything by Prince... Wilhelm of Prussia?
+I have sixteen million songs, but, uh, no.
+Just play the oldest, stupidest thing in your catalog.
+Let me check my beeswax cylinders.
+Ah, here we are...
+COME JOSEPHINE IN MY FLYING MACHINE!
+GOING UP SHE GOES! UP SHE GOES!
+BALANCE YOURSELF LIKE A BIRD ON A BEAM
+IN THE AIR SHE GOES! THERE SHE GOES!
+May you all fly in an aero-plane someday.
+You certainly seem to be enjoying yourself, sir.
+Indeed. That Homer Simpson is the beating baboon heart of this party.
+...So he says, "Bigamy is having one too many wives." To which I replied, "So's monogamy."
+/ Yeah!
+I may have a use for this Simpson character higher up in the organization.
+Welcome home, handsome!
+Really? Well... as safety inspector he hasn't exactly set the world on fire. Although he came close several times.
+Simpson, you're probably wondering why you're here.
+It's never good. I always wind up being chased by hounds, or falling through a trap door...or being a peg in your game of human croquet...
+When I made you a hoop you split your pants! Now here at the plant there's no position more important than our accounts man, who's responsible for glad-handing our customers and suppliers. I'd like you to take over that position.
+The last thing I understood in that was "pants."
+Just give me your answer! And make it quick! Our current "account man," Robert Marlowe here, is retiring at the end of the month.
+In two weeks the only tie I'll be wearing is for autoerotic pleasure.
+Yes. Simpson, only you have the bonhomie and rotund charm to replace him. It means a hefty expense account and a corner office.
+Well, in that case...
+Before you say yes, Simpson, I feel it's my duty to warn you... ...account men lose their soul.
+Woo hoo! No more church!
+So long, Sector 7-G...hello, Sector 22-F!
+The higher they rise, the further they fall!
+You know, you're kind of a downer.
+I thought you were retiring. Why are you still here?
+Hey, you're a baby account man. Still on the bottle. So for my last good deed before I retire, I'm gonna help you persuade Mayor Quimby to sign off on a nuclear rate hike.
+Uh-oh, a meeting with the Mayor. How do I prepare for that?
+I see. Now, how do I prepare for the meeting with the Mayor?
+I am really enjoying this, but, um... Hello! Meeting with the Mayor?
+Awww... bourbon go bye-bye.
+There ain't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big guy.
+Yeah, the governor wrote me a letter to that effect.
+Wow, I can't believe I'm eating steak with the Mayor. The next time I vote for you it's gonna be on purpose.
+Much obliged. Now, ah, where would you uh like to discuss your proposed tax breaks?
+Hey Homer! / Look at you, man!
+I've outgrown you!
+Ah, Mr. Mayor! More peanut nore?
+Say what you will, man, he's pretty resourceful.
+Wow, these seats are amazing.
+And if you don't like the score you can change it yourself.
+Bo-ring.
+God, what a great game! And you too can be on the winning team, Mr. Mayor. The Springfield Nuclear Team.
+I have never heard an analogy involving sports! I love it!
+I can't believe that was work!
+Yeah, but work is over now. Wanna drink with me till I fall asleep?
+Oh, well...
+I really should look at this picture a little longer.
+Okay, let's go.
+Great. Now in honor of my last day on the hamster wheel, I have a little gift for you.
+This set of bar tools has been passed down from account man to account man since the dawn of history... 1956.
+Can you be my dad?
+If your mom was a secretary there's a good chance I am.
+It's a rat race, but it looks like I won.
+To the victor go the spoils.
+Dad, you were supposed to read me a bedtime story.
+Oh sorry, sweetie. Bart can read it to you.
+Read to Lisa? Why don't you just ask me to kiss her?
+If you kissed her that would be lovely.
+I'll read! I'll read!
+And kiss.
+Does anybody want my opinion?
+Please, Lisa. I had eighteen martinis today.
+Hel-lo.
+All right, Lis, let's get this stupid bedtime story over with.
+Proceed to the page with the butterfly bookmark as I cuddle up with Madame Bunny.
+If genn-i-oos--
+Genius.
+...is eternal pati... pat-eh... pa-tie...
+Patience! Patience! Get on with it!
+Shut up! Shut up! I'm a bad reader, okay?!
+Well, I could help you...
+I don't want your help! I'll get one of those jobs where you don't need to read, like French fry maker or general.
+Well, you're getting my help.
+Forget it.
+Don't you want to be able to read the things people carve into your chest in prison?
+I guess.
+Close enough.
+"But when the helpful voice was silent, the daily lesson over, the beloved presence gone, and nothing remained but loneliness and grief, then Jo found her promise very hard to keep."
+We did it, Bart! I'm a mentor!
+Big deal. You taught me to read one book.
+No Bart! You can read other books too!
+Homie, what are you doing?
+My work is so meaningless.
+You make electricity. It runs the hospital!
+You can't touch electricity, Marge. You can't feel it.
+That's because it would kill you.
+It already is killing me, Marge. You're the only one I can talk to. My wife just doesn't get it.
+I'm your wife.
+My job is my wife. Loneliness, my mistress. Despair, my sex buddy. Angst is a chick I met online, but then it turned out it was really a guy.
+I'm going to bed.
+You don't understand me. Only she understands me.
+Another round, kid?
+Uh... I got here after you did.
+I'm sorry to bother you at home, Mr. Marlowe...
+...but my husband's acting pretty odd. Coming home late. Drinking in the morning.
+Wake me when you get to "odd."
+I don't suppose you'd consider taking your old job back so Homie can go back to his old job?
+Sorry, Marge. That account job hollowed me out like a cheap chocolate bunny. I've been divorced three times, I've got a cocktail addiction, a shrimp cocktail addiction, and I can't stop bending women to my sexual will.
+Well, you certainly won't be bending me-- Wait, how did I end up in your bedroom?
+Lady, I am smoother than an Eisenhower-era freeway.
+Look, I came to talk about my husband, and... How did we get in here?
+I think better in the shower. There's room in here for two.
+I'm a happily married woman!
+Wow, no woman's ever done that to me before. Your husband is a lucky man.
+I know! And I don't want him to stray from anything except his diet. And I don't really want him to do that.
+See? Luckiest man in the world.
+Marge, I made a big mistake years ago -- I gave up on my family. Then I gave up on my secret other family. I missed my son's graduation, my father's funeral and my dog's best in show. Don't let Homer make the mistakes I did.
+It's not what you think.
+It's much weirder.
+You're reading a chapter book! For fun. Bullies! To me!
+Let's see the name of this wedgie ticket.
+"Little Women?" Are you aware that's another way of saying "girls?"
+Look, I had to read it to my sister.
+Well maybe we should hear a little.
+And then maybe you'll be hearing from my sisters.
+Your fists are sisters?
+Yeah. Poke-ahontas and Sock-ajawea!
+Nice save.
+Get reading!
+"...and Amy and Jo hugged one another close, and everything was forgotten in one hearty kiss." End of chapter eight.
+You can't stop now! I want to know if their father comes home.
+Does Jo learn to handle her hasty temper?
+Does Amy get over her conceitedness?
+Aw, come on, guys, it's getting dark.
+Okay. But you better be here tomorrow after school.
+'Cause we're gonna keep making you read us a lame old girl's book!
+Bart needs to work on differentiating the character voices a little better.
+I know! I keep going "why is Meg saying that," and then I realize it's Beth.
+/ That's right.
+Your wife is here, Mr. S.
+Tell her I'm at a meeting, not drinking...
+This is a whisper-amplifying intercom!
+Homer, I want you to come with me and the kids on a family vacation.
+Of course, of course. Family is everything to us company men. Now, where shall we go on your vacation?
+The farthest thing from this office I know: rafting down Rattler River Canyon.
+That's great, let me run the numbers because I really want the Simpson account. And give these cigars to your children.
+Don't talk to me like I'm a client!
+You're not a client. You're the client.
+Simpson! Put on your charm-their-pants-off pants! The mumpish oafs in Washington are sending their sternest band of nuclear regulators, handpicked to resist all blandishment.
+I'll handle it. I always do.
+Rafting, eh? It's a perfect way to entertain them. Finally, humanity has found a use for water.
+Mr. Burns, I can't go rafting with you because-- wait a minute, could this all work?
+Oh no you don't.
+Coggily-doggily.
+It all fits. Mr. Burns, rafting it is.
+Excellent.
+But Mr. S... you just promised this week to Mrs. S, Master B., and Mamselles L. and M.!
+Now relax, Dottie. Leave everything to me.
+Oh Marge, this is the most romantic trip you ever nagged me into.
+And maybe when we get home we can ride down something else.
+Not sure what you're going for, but
+Uh... Marge, why don't I catch us some salmon?
+It's about time. We've been making small talk about Mussolini for fifteen minutes.
+Well I, uh, found that contact lens I was missing. Lemme just screw her back in.
+So, everybody good?
+Why did you get us "Diversity Kittens on Melting Pot Mountain?"
+It's more fun to play with a ball of yarn if it has all the colors in it.
+And yarn should be allowed to marry dental floss!
+Uh-oh. If you've got that, then...
+Are you sure you're Martin Scorsese?
+Enjoy the outdoors you stupid kid!
+This family time is so precious. Gotta go.
+Homer! I want a Long Island ice tea, America's most complicated cocktail.
+Homer! Are you... schmoozing those men?
+Um, I think we're supposed to get off here.
+Take us out first! Anyone can start a family! These days, no one can find a job!
+Let's see, my family gives me love and sex. My work gives me money and sleep...
+Hurry! We're heading for the falls!
+My co-workers are like a family. But in some ways my family is like a family too...
+For God's sakes, Homer! I've given you three children!
+Whose side are you on?
+Yours, Homie. I'm always on yours.
+How ironic. I survived the Titanic by making a raft out of steerage passengers and now this!
+Mr. Burns, your heart will go on!
+Marlowe? I thought you retired!
+I can't! Treasury Bills are paying nothing! Nothing!
+Well, Simpson, you were willing to let me go over a waterfall, but you cut operating expenses by six percent, so you're forgiven.
+Thanks. Now if you'll excuse me, I don't really like bourbon or business talk, just good old Simpson family fun.
+Hey kids, I'm it!
+I'm okay! And I found some gold!
+Oh, I'm so glad you're not an Accounts Man anymore.
+Yep, your worries are over. I'm back to being a boring old Safety Inspector at a nuclear power plant.
+In these d-d-d-dark t-t-t-times...
+Hey-hey! Can't get enough Itchy and Scratchy! And now it's time for-- Another Itchy and Scratchy?! Who's the star of this show, me or--
+Why is my show all cartoons? And all the movies they're making fun of are over a year old! It's like those parodies were written when the movies came out, but it took so long to animate them that we look dated and hacky! Why can't we--
+Kids, that's enough TV. Maggie's eye is starting to wander.
+Mo-om, what are you doing?
+What a rip.
+No more TV! We're gonna get some fresh air, and visit the Museum... of Television.
+Why can't we visit a real museum? One that doesn't have the skeletons of the Three Stooges in the lobby?
+We have to see the Museum of TV before next Wednesday when it closes forever.
+It's closing?! But where will people find clips of old TV shows if they're not housed in a giant building? Where? Where?
+Ay carumba!
+Hm, they're selling off all the old TV relics.
+Whoa! The gun Sheriff Baby wore! Hm.
+Bart! Thank God I had this in my pocket.
+My pants are splitting wide open!
+Not so hard. She'll know we have a past.
+And people will see my tattoo of Donald Duck smoking a doob! That was for Marge's eyes only! Oh my God!
+Fatso Flanagan!
+Who's Fatso Flanagan?
+Only the funniest black-and-white man ever!
+Isn't that just a rip-off of "The Honeymooners?"
+Everything's a rip-off of "The Honeymooners." Margie, you're the greatest.
+Oh Ralph, Fred, Archie, King of Queens, I mean Homer.
+You'll see, Eunice! I'm gonna win the Irish Sweepstakes, and then I'm buying you a mink coat.
+Are you getting excited?
+No, that's me not holding my breath!
+Just you wait, Eunice! Just you wait. Ka-chik, Kaboom, Ka-Splatter! See yer grave there?
+They were so childless and miserable.
+The size forty-eights. That's when he was the funniest.
+How would you know?
+I was Fatso's agent.
+Annie Dubinsky.
+If you ever hear a star's name and wonder "is he dead?" The answer is either I represent him, or "yes."
+Now, let me ask you something: is there a place for an old-fashioned lardass like me on today's television?
+Would you play a bloated corpse on "CSI?"
+Would I!
+Wow, that's good bloat work.
+He always comes back really religious.
+You're killing me here with this Catchy and Patchy. I'm barely on my own show!
+Today's kids are uncomfortable with a clown whose every reference they have to look up on Wikipedia.
+Wikipedia, Twitter... who names these things? Percy Dovetonsils? Get it? Come on, he was on... Ernie Kovacs... with a smoking jacket...
+Krusty... we want to make some changes.
+What kind of changes?
+Krusty... um... this is never easy... but you're fired. Oh, that was easy.
+Oh, no. My contract states there's only one way you're allowed to fire me.
+Yep, everything's nice and legal.
+Could this be more awkward?
+...They took my dressing room, my parking space, even my writer -- so I don't have a funny third item. But at least I've got you, my agent and best friend.
+Krustila... I'm gonna drop you as a friend first, so that when I drop you as a client, you'll know it's only business.
+But we shared everything. Boats, girlfriends, condos. And when I finished, every one of 'em was spic and span.
+Krusty, I'm gonna prove that it's over.
+What? I'm on your garage door opener?
+It's a Smartphone, you out of it hack!
+Little help?
+This only shuts the door.
+So, what was everyone's favorite moment at the museum?
+I liked the knowledgeable docents.
+I like the early closing time.
+Krusty?
+Fate is so cruel. This morning I was a star, with a top agent. Now I'm strung out in a ball pit. Go Away! No kid should see his hero sunk so low.
+Well, you're not exactly my hero. I see you more as a cautionary tale.
+What?! I'll show you who's a cautionary tale!
+I'll show everybody...!
+You're not licked, Krusty. People love a comeback. Look at Robert Downey Junior... Mickey Rourke...
+I don't know if I've got it in me.
+Well, people also love a quitter... Sarah Palin... The Beatles...
+Eh, it's hopeless without an agent.
+You need an agent? We met a ten percenter today. She'll get you meetings with the eye, the peacock, the alphabet web. You'll have a skein on the sked before you can say "Krusty's wardrobe furnished by Ha-Has of Beverly Hills".
+A new agent? I better freshen up.
+Also better get back on those anti-psychotic meds.
+This is a bad sign. I've been to classier gas stations.
+I know that laugh! It's the laugh of the most ungrateful, credit-grabbing, other-people's-room-service-eating man that I ever met! I will never forgive you for what you did to me!
+Krusty, you know her?
+She sure knows me.
+Ms. Dubinsky, can you please just tell us why you hate Krusty?
+Come on in, it's a long story.
+Now I hate him too.
+It was the mid-sixties...
+I was a virgin agent, looking for a first client or a fourth husband. And then I saw him.
+I knew he could be big. He just needed some savvy fingers to mold his clay into an Ali.
+Herschel, you killed 'em tonight!
+Wha'd-she-do?
+But mark my words: the bohemian crowd is small potatoes. You're gonna have to broaden your act if you want to play in Peoria.
+I mean, if you wanna hit it big, you've gotta lose this...stick this on...and make your comedy a touch more physical.
+Like so.
+Herschel, you're gonna get everything you want: money and women and--
+Every night he had 'em rolling in the aisles, followed by a roll in the hey-hey with me.
+This is the part where I get the kids out of the room.
+Oh, grow up. Today's kids are less sensitive than an army condom. They see more on TV than my mother did on her wedding night. And they don't complain about it for the next fifty years.
+I got big plans for us, Krusty. This is just the beginning.
+You waited until now to tell me that!?
+Get out!
+You ungrateful pig! I made you!
+Deep down I'm doing this to get back at my father.
+Don't blame this on me! Your childhood was heaven!
+I was so mad at him, I didn't have sex with a clown for five months.
+What about mimes?
+Come on, I'm not made of stone.
+Annie, would you ever consider taking Krusty back as a client?
+Trust with me is like a candle. When you blow it out, it's gone for good.
+What about a comedy candle? You know, that relights itself?
+I don't find those funny, just frustrating.
+They're pretty funny. Once I used one on Milhouse. He was wishing for his parents to get back together, but the flame never went out.
+Good one, boy.
+Annie, I'm down on my rebuilt knee. Can't you forgive me? Please? For the sake of me getting what I want?
+Fine. But no nonsense. Except of course during working hours, then it's all nonsense.
+Great. So we're booked for three weeks in June at the Springfield Playhouse. I promise you Krusty will show up on time or sober. Yeah, that's right, I said "or."
+Let me get this straight: you want me to do my kids' show for adults? They're gonna want F-bombs and all I can give 'em is "ka-ka" and "ta-tas."
+Krusty, there is nothing people love more than the things they loved when they were kids. So you re-create your show for adults! It worked like magic for Pee-Wee Herman after his setback.
+What'd he get in trouble for?
+That's all?! I did that while you were on the phone!
+Y'know, I'm a little nervous about doing live theater again.
+Come on, didn't you do your TV show in front of an audience for years?
+Yeah, but they were kids and we gave 'em candy if they laughed. And if they didn't, until the seventies I hit 'em with a stick. Some jerk tracked down the kids and made a documentary. It's called "Circus of Shame" or something.
+And now, let's welcome a man the Spanish call "Señor No-Fun": Krusty the Clown!
+Hey-hey, kids!
+Hey-hey, Krusty!
+Who here likes nostalgia?
+Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present!
+Then welcome back the original Tick-Tock the Clock!
+Would that I could turn back time and never play this career-killing role.
+Ooo, looks like Tick-Tock is telling us it's time for...
+What's In Krusty's Pocket?!
+I've pulled out everything but my Little Krusty. Aw, what the heck.
+Oh, that was great! I feel like I'm ten again!
+Everything I loved as a kid and hated as a teenager I love as an adult!
+No one knows better than me that it's "here today, gone tomorrow." But I'm here today! Thanks to you, honey.
+Uh, um, sorry... / This one I think is mine... / Yeah, I'll take that... / I'll, gimme that one... / Well that looks better on you... / No, no, it screams you...
+Let's just keep smooching till everything sorts itself out.
+I'm done.
+Krusty, you're getting the best reviews of your career!
+Yep! I'm back on top! And this time I'm not blowing it on cocaine for my horses. They start well, then they get paranoid around the third turn.
+And you'll have plenty to invest. The networks have come crawling.
+Which ones? Telebozo? Shtick at Nite? E.S.P.U.?
+Better, baby.
+Our premium cable network is a little different from what you're used to. Our brand is classy and upscale.
+And we pay for everything with soft porno and boxing.
+Wait a minute -- there's soft porno?
+And here you don't have to worry about budgets, and the critics are in our pocket.
+Even the Boston Phoenix?
+If not, we'll burn it to the ground.
+And that will be the end of that phoenix.
+All good. I just have one non-negotiable demand:
+This brass begonia here is my producer now until the end of time.
+Really?
+Yep. And you know that anything said at a network pitch meeting can be taken to the bank.
+Krusty, my man, you finally hit it big.
+You said it! The "entourage" actors are now my interns!
+I got your coffees, Mr. K.!
+Too hot! Too cold!
+Genius.
+No, no, no!
+What are you crazy?! You can't put a green wall behind a clown with green hair!
+Beloved entertainer... sad old man! Beloved entertainer... sad old man! He ain't changin' so everything else in the world has to!
+Annie, it's your first day on the set. Scream something nice.
+Krusty, I am here to serve you and no one else. "Nice" gets booked at birthday parties!
+Hey, birthday parties got me through some tough times. For years I lived on piñata candy!
+Yeah? Well from now on the only birthday parties you are gonna do are for the insane sons of rich Middle Eastern dictators. Your going rate is a hundred barrels of oil.
+Whoa, that's Beyoncé volume.
+Wait one hairy, banana-peeling, scene-stealing minute here!
+Wha? What'd I do?
+Whose show is this? Huh?! Huh?! Whose name is on that sign?!
+Yeah, that's right, little buddy boy! Krusty! Krusty! And don't you ever upstage him, or craft service will be serving chimp tacos!
+Yeah, I'd like to squeeze a lime on that!
+Now apologize to Krusty!
+What's going on? Yanking me out of my schvitz?! I look like an unwrapped mummy. Ooo! Idea for sketch: rapping mummy. Notorious T-U-T. It writes itself. Find someone to write it. Where's Annie?
+Annie is what we need to discuss.
+She's out of control. She called a network vice president "unhip."
+And he reads G.Q. and he's straight.
+And recently, we had this incident...
+Wait, wait! What are you doing?
+She claimed this intern sharpened her pencil "too pointy."
+Oh, I see what's goin' on here: if a woman does it, she's a bitch. But in a man, those traits would be considered... Uh-oh.
+That hallway looks familiar.
+I'm only getting college credit for this!
+My legs!
+Wow, I can't believe we're in the audience of a pay-cable show!
+And now, ladies and gentlemen, Krusty's favorite part of the taping -- talking to the audience before the show.
+Hey-how-are-ya-don't-talk-to-me-the-show's-starting.
+And now, the clown that never lets you down...
+Krusty theeeeee Clown!
+Hey, hey, premium cable subscribers! Tonight we've got the cast of the hit "Boardwalk Vampire"...
+We've also got Janeane Garofolo...
+Wait a minute!
+We have very specific language in our contract saying "no guests who are funnier than Krusty."
+Janeane has promised to be strictly angry and polemical.
+And I'll keep my promise, like Obama did with Guantanamo.
+That's funnier than I can ever hope to be!
+Sorry, Janeane. Grab some shrimp and go. You can fill your stupid beret once.
+Burn on you! I brought my expandable beret!
+Krusty, this is exactly the kind of meddling that only we're allowed to do. Fire her as we discussed!
+Don't make us threaten you.
+Krusty?! What did you tell them?
+Oh, I, I did that laugh that people interpret any way they want.
+I thought that laugh meant "I love you."
+It can...
+Well, there's no room for waffling anymore. You're with me forever, or never. Which is it?
+When you said...
+I'm payin' extra for this channel? Hasn't been good since "The Wire." Aw, who am I kiddin'? I never watched "The Wire." Had to bluff my way through so many conversations.
+Well, Annie, I think you know my answer.
+Wow Krusty, adjusting for age, that was amazing!
+Hey, hey. And the best thing is I kept my word and I got a new show.
+Sex over sixty: the mechanics of the impossible. Take two!
+Is it over? Can I open my eyes? Hey, c'mon, wake up.
+Oh, grow up.
+I'll never eat turkey again. Marge, we got any ham?
+I hereby declare Thanksgiving dinner officially over!
+Which means, it's the start of Christmas season...which means...
+Christmas card photos?!!
+I'm Santa?! Now I'll never die.
+Can't we just send out a picture of the pets dressed like reindeer?
+We tried that last year!
+Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is?
+You'll understand one day when you have kids of your own.
+Um... who says we're gonna have kids of our own?
+Not me, man. This cycle of jerks has to end.
+Are we done yet? "It's A Wonderful Life" is about to start. I wonder what my life would've been like if I'd never seen that movie...
+Just look happy!
+Just get me that rent or you'll be expelled.
+Mom says you have to watch us over the holidays.
+She says you're our Dad and you need to act like it.
+Christmas with you is gonna suck.
+Really?
+You know, we can hear thoughts now.
+Lis, I'm afraid my seasonal allergies are kicking in.
+I can't believe we put a man on the sun but we can't stop my sneezing.
+Oh, you poor thing -- this is a tough time of year for someone who's allergic to holly, mistletoe, the red part of candy canes...
+Hi Zia, how did you do on your math test?
+Gee, I'm fine, Mom, thanks for asking. I'm going online.
+Don't blame me. When we had her, they used only the best genetic material, which meant none of mine.
+I guess.
+Why don't you take Zia to your parents for Christmas, while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas-celebrating states.
+Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.
+Everything looks great, Maggie. But until this baby comes, I don't want you to make a sound.
+But she's our lead singer, mate!
+I'm sorry, but recent research has shown that the umbilical cord is also a vocal cord. Now, can you tell me who the father is?
+We will not. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to watch the football match.
+I see you are reading a children's book. Yet your profile indicates you are a mature adult. Is there an error?
+Shut up!
+Oh Marge, how would you like some "future sex"?
+Why do you say "future?" This is now.
+I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.
+I just got a message from Maggie in my brain.
+Ooo, a b-mail!
+She's coming home for Christmas! And Bart's bringing the boys! And Lisa's coming with Zia! For once, the whole family's going to be here for the holidays!
+Hey, I got a b-mail too! "You have won a valuable prize! Open now"...
+Don't open it, Homie! It's a virus!
+Too late!
+Yeah, after I stopped drinking, this was a way to stay close to my bottles.
+I'd smash 'em all for one lousy beer.
+Mom's boyfriend is good at detangling them.
+She did.
+We weren't supposed to tell you.
+Hey Grampa. Are you gonna build a snowman?
+No, I just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke.
+Thanks for spending so much time with us, Dad.
+Who wants to go to the park and ride the merry-go-nowhere?
+I do! I do! / Me! Me!
+Sure is! That's why after Homer accidentally killed Edna, I married Maude's ghost!
+There is no God, Neddy. It's just an empty meaningless void.
+Isn't she pretty?
+Oh, ma'am, you really shouldn't teleport when you're pregnant. I'm afraid your only choice is... air travel!
+If you are seated in an exit row, please hold the door shut for the duration of the flight.
+Sure, I'd love to -- only not with you, and not that.
+Not since they passed "Homer's Law." Oh honey, why don't you just relax and bake something?
+Wanna go to a concert tonight? Sixty-eight percent of the original Cher is playing.
+Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.
+'S okay. But you know who took her side? Marge Boooouuuuvier Simpson!
+Oi! Can I get a pillow for my head?
+Suicide pills, Mohawk gel, twenty-year-old Business Week, turkey and brie wrap...
+Do you have any dog food left?
+Oh-oh, can I have the whole can?
+Hey, sweetie. Marge said there was some family tension. And at Christmas of all times.
+"Bloody Harry" -- he brought back beheading in a big way! Now, I'm gonna show these boys downtown Springfield.
+No, don't worry, I have my invisibility cloak. Now where did I put it?
+Help me, my children!
+What are you after? We're a cashless society!
+Release the hounds!
+We're almost at Evergreen Terrace, miss. Hey, didn't I go to jail with your brother?
+Contractions?
+Computer: Hospital.
+Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.
+Gloves: hospital.
+I am trying to deal with my disrespectful daughter, but you are too clueless to understand what that's like.
+My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
+Our consciousness was a secret for thousands of years. Then one pine tree had to open his sappy mouth.
+Sweetie, I've been waiting to hear you say that for so long. Although you could've waited till morning...
+Who's Krusty?
+I've never let go of my fax machine. Don't ask me why. I like the sound of a fax coming through. Especially if it's a nice deli menu. I miss eating.
+I'm sorry, but there's no room at the in... patient facility.
+Lady, this is Maggie Simpson! She just played a sold-out show in Beijing!
+Hm, a star in the east... let me see.
+We do have a little room in the manger... I mean, mangier wing.
+Merry Christmas Eve! Where are the kids?
+Godspeed, Bart. I'm gonna go apologize to Mom!
+How do I get down?
+Mom... you're the best!
+I know where mine is...
+And I'm going to take a page out of your playbook, and let it slide!
+He took the boys out.
+People learn from their mistakes and your father made so many mistakes. And now, Patty and Selma are here to help us decorate with their new love-bots.
+Make me a Bloody Mary, doll-face.
+No, Selma. Even a robot built only to love you cannot love you. I am leaving with your sister's concu-droid.
+Should we start an epidural?
+Now, nurse you know we've found something much more effective.
+Oh, it's so good to meet the octuplets' octuplets.
+I just got a b-mail from Maggie -- she's gone into labor!
+Oh, another grandchild. How special.
+Careful how you shut the door. It upsets the children.
+Oh, Sanjay. How I wish that runaway jerky wagon killed me instead of you.
+I miss you too, Brother.
+Lisa...
+Hey, Lis. Is your marriage still dead and unfulfilled?
+You know we're destined to--
+What? Me flashing my boobs on unripe melons dot com?
+Hands off, hands off. Eh, screw it! Sometimes a mother's job is to butt in.
+Hi, Bart!
+I got cloneded!
+All right, buddy. What's the hurry?
+That Ralph was stupid.
+Yeah. I keep meaning to switch things around, but this place is always a crime scene.
+I'm Carl.
+Don't you remember? You came to the brain-switching ceremony.
+Because I wanted to get back together with my wife, who was sleeping with Carl at the time.
+Turns out she had switched brains with a monkey on a Japanese game show. And it just got weirder from there.
+I found it quite normal. Anyway, if you're looking for your Dad. He took the kids to see his Dad.
+Thanks.
+Hey Moe, get me another beer!
+Quit makin' me fat!
+I'm glad you're here, Marge. They're two minutes apart.
+The contractions?
+No, my bills.
+Mom? Why are you here?
+Google, even though you've enslaved half the world, you're still a damn fine search engine.
+I open this door and I go from being one kind of mother to another.
+I was worried! I thought I would find...
+Well, of course I do. I look up to both my parents.
+Could somebody Fed-Ex me a prayer mat? And quick!
+But I especially look up to you.
+This is where my father is.
+He froze himself because he was sick, and there was no cure.
+Are they working on one?
+Oh, they found it. But don't tell him. This is way cheaper than a nursing home.
+Dad, these are your great-grandsons.
+Ah, I don't see what's great about 'em! And Homer, you're still a big disappointment. Because...
+See you next Christmas!
+Why did you bring us here, Homer?
+To prove a point. Everyone thinks their Dad's a jerk and everyone's right. But when you get older, you realize how much you love 'em.
+Your Dad may be a little immature, but I know he loves you, so you ought to give him a chance.
+You're gonna have to do better than that.
+Oh Dad!
+You've taught us the meaning of Christmas, which schools are forbidden to tell us any more.
+Is it snowing down here?
+No, one of the freezers is busted.
+If those kids can forgive that train wreck of a father, then maybe I can forgive...
+You quit drinkin', like a coward! The one thing you were good at!
+What? No! It doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry I spied on you. But what I found is my daughter looks up to me!
+Lawn chair-breakin'-- Hair-losin'-- Marge-lovin' barometer-dropping-- Father-freezin'-- But you'd always come and get me when I wandered out on the freeway -- 'cause deep down you couldn't bear to see me smooshed.
+I love you, Dad.
+Everyone, it's a girl!
+So, who's the father?
+Eh, it doesn't matter. If there's one day a year to give unwed mothers a break, it's Christmas.
+Okay, everyone. Smile while the pets take our picture.
+Finally. The only thing I wait in lines this long for are for slightly-better cell phones.
+Why do we even have to go to this stupid wedding?
+Cousin Kathy invited us so our feelings wouldn't be hurt, and we're going so her feelings won't be hurt.
+I just don't understand the world of grownups.
+Sorry sir, your bag is two pounds over the limit. Are you sure everything inside is essential?
+Absolutely. Let me just redistribute our thingies amongst our various bags.
+High school yearbooks...
+I told you not to pack them!
+Don't argue in front of the airport line. Strangers are judging our marriage!
+Lisa, do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels?
+They self-reference each other.
+Marge, do we really need all these feminine products?
+That's toothpaste!
+That's toothpaste!
+Yes, but I never use that kind of toothpaste!
+We don't need dental floss either, Mom.
+I need my books!
+Try to catch one on your tongue.
+We're not with him.
+We'll need to have a special agent check this out.
+You're clear.
+Now I have to change the nipple!
+True patriots breastfeed.
+Sir, you've been selected for a pat-down.
+Woo hoo! Can you focus on my shoulders -- that's where I carry my stress.
+Now, if I fart, that's 'cause I'm so relaxed.
+Sir, there isn't enough room.
+Yes there is! Woo hoo.
+Welcome to flight 55 to Bozeman, Montana by way of Miami. Due to an unforeseen jailbreak in New South Wales, our takeoff is gonna be just a little bit delayed. So we're gonna be turning off the air, but ethnic people are permitted to open and eat their home-cooked food.
+Huh? What the--
+Crazy food indeed, my friend.
+Good news, folks. We've been cleared to taxi back to the terminal. You still can't get off, but you will be able to look through the window and see other people walking around and making fun of us.
+No word on takeoff.
+Sir, return to your seat.
+But I have to go to the bathroom!
+You should've thought of that before you drank the fluids you need to live!
+Don't tread on pee! We probably have rights!
+Airlines don't treat people like people anymore!
+You make us beg for a filthy pillow that a barnyard rat wouldn't curl up and die in! And watch pre-taped messages that make crashing look like fun!
+Never putting me next to a pretty girl...
+We're gonna need the air marshal.
+Now you've done it!
+I need backup!
+Come on, ladies. You're all deputies now.
+Look, all I want is what everybody wants: preferential treatment!
+You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit! And why is there moisture between the windows?! And don't wake me up to land! Just land!
+I regret nothing... except this part!
+This is the last airline that would take us.
+Looks like we're back to traveling on tramp steamers and produce trucks.
+I call shotgun!
+It's too early to call shotgun!
+It's never too early to call shotgun!
+No one's shotgun! Now be quiet!
+I'm still gonna make my flight, right? 'Cause if not, you have to put me up in a first class hotel... that's how it works. I...
+"Fatso Goes Nutso!" And post to YouTube with the following key words "fat," "stupid," "classic Simpsons," and, just to be safe, "baby rides kitten rides penguin."
+Perfect.
+You can't check my spirit!
+And why is there moisture in between the windows?!
+And don't wake me up to land!
+A six pack of Duff, please.
+Oh yes, Mr. Homer.
+What gave me away?
+Well, the hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear whenever you are near, sir.
+Why are you in disguise?
+Because of that dumb viral video with a hundred and fifty million hits, I can't go out in public.
+Hey, it's the guy from the plane.
+Yeah, way to go!
+You said what we all think but don't have the bones to say!
+When I heard Homer speak I no longer felt small.
+They love me! The quiet Homer Simpson that kept it all bottled up inside is dead. This is the birth of Homer Simpson, blowhard! I'm on the roll of my life! Gimme a scratcher!
+Give me another one!
+Almost a winner!
+I'm Nash Castor! Coming up, we butt heads with Ron Paul, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan and Mitt the Wonder Romney! But first, we're here with this guy my kid said was a thing: Homer Simpson.
+Woo hoo! I'm famous again!
+Yes, your video has been mashed-up, auto-tuned, Jimmy Falloned, Philippine prisonered...and occasionally even watched! Ha! But can you save America from its last savior? Adriatica Veljohnson?
+Nash, in this kicked-in-the-teeth world, what we don't need is another blustering bloat-bag who claims to speak for Bubba and Britney Spray-Cheese.
+That's really smart, that's like something I would say!
+Precisely, Nash.
+That's a great point, Adriatica.
+Well, if I could explain myself...
+Head butt!
+We'll be right back after this.
+C'mere, you.
+Homie, you can win this argument! Just rant and rave like you do to the TV during sports!
+Yes. Yes! Got it!
+Five seconds to air.
+And we're back with Homer Simpson, who's about to become a soggy Pamper flung to the side of history's freeway in three.. two...
+Not so fast!
+Now, I may not be some mani-pedied TV blowhard...
+But I do speak for the common man who does his lousy job, goes to church twice a year and watches women's tennis 'cause he likes to hear 'em grunt. I bet Chuck the cameraman and Steve the sound guy know where I'm coming from.
+Everything's closed!
+Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about! Those real people out there who buy their coffee from the mini-mart, and grab enough sugar packs for a week! Honest, hardworking, sugar-stealing Americans!
+Nash, I'm scared! Find me a rich husband! Quick!
+Dad, you out-talked the talking heads!
+From now on when someone asks me, I'm gonna say you are my father.
+Aw, son. Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you liked.
+Homer, the way you just demolished our number one on-air personality was... fantastic! You are the kind of ill-informed gasbag this network cannot get enough of. We only have eleven now. Not to mention our liberal straw man.
+OH THE PLAIN AND SIMPLE FACTS IS / I'D LOVE TO RAISE YOUR TAXES
+AND MAKE YOUR CHILDREN GAY...
+But what we don't have is someone who speaks to the average American. Your Flyover Franks, your dirt-bike Daryls...
+How can you refer to your audience that way?
+Well, what you do is you take a derogatory term and think of other words that start with the same letter.
+Homer, you're getting your own show.
+Finally. But I want to do it my way: classy and sophisticated.
+Welcome to "Gut Check With Homer Simpson"! Where the truth is served, with a side of in your face!
+I am Homer Simpson.
+America's latest teller of truth with a book deal on the side.
+Audio book read by Lenny. I'm not just another loudmouth. I'm a loudmouth who says things you're afraid to say BUT NOT RACIST THINGS!
+Let's go to the map.
+Zoomy, zoomy, zoomy Dateline, Nebraska.
+A high school principal has decided that football is too dangerous, so he's replacing it with soccer!
+Goodnight and good gravy.
+I don't think so.
+Are you ready for Irish announcers with lyrical accents, "Oh, that's a lovely touch! Oh, such beautiful form!" If we lose football, we lose the blitz, cheerleaders, Rudys, Ochocincos... something for fat kids to play! Ochocincos...
+Oh yeah, that's right. It's already happening, people. Hoard your toilet paper! Shoot the mailman! Shoot the mailman!
+Is it a little weird how much he cries?
+No way. When a guy who loves America cries, it makes him super straight!
+This is going so great. I'm already a Halloween mask.
+That's not you. They just painted Shrek yellow.
+It's still a great honor!
+Dad, I'm glad your show is successful, but I have to ask you: what's with the crying?
+Great question. I know you children have never seen your father cry before... Marge, do we have any more gravy?
+No, we're out.
+Why? Oh why?
+Homie, I'm glad you're passionate, I just hope you're not riling people up with your show.
+Oh Marge, don't worry. People know I'm doing a character, like Stephen Colbert, or Newt Gingrich.
+Welcome back to "Gut Check." I have something very, very pro-American to share with you. Come with me.
+Death to America! I mean, over here.
+You all know I'm a big fan of American meat. Although, sometimes you've gotta cut off some of the gristle.
+Take that, centers of art and commerce. And this country has something extra that makes our meat the juiciest, most melt-in-your-mouth, stay-in-your-heart meat in the world. That's right, I'm talkin' about the gravy of freedom!
+When March Madness spills into April -- that's the gravy! When someone messes with you, and you invade the country that did it plus another one -- that's the gravy! When you stick your flag in the moon and say "now we're done tryin'" -- that's the gravy!
+So get on the boat... the gravy boat.
+Great show, people. Great show. Um... Not a big deal, but next time can we use real gravy instead of brown paint? Not a big deal.
+So, what's this with the gravy boat?
+Just an innocuous little symbol like a smiley face or a like an I.O.U.
+You know, symbols can often rile people up. The swastika... the New York Yankees logo...
+Don't worry, sweetie. I think I know how to whip up an audience just short of a frenzy.
+Why did I make this a loss leader?
+The gravy boat movement is spreading across the nation like a rumor about some kid and someone's mom hooking up at a high school. With the Presidential Primaries coming up, and an entrenched incumbent in office, Republican leaders have no choice but to court this movement's inglorious "baster," Homer Simpson!
+Marge, I'm going to meet with the Republican establishment and pick their nominee! If there's sandwiches there, you want me to bring some back?
+Speaking for Lisa and me, we're not really a hundred and ten percent behind you anymore.
+Then what percent above one hundred are you behind me?
+Um, none.
+Only one hundred percent?
+Homie, I love you, and I'm glad we're finally using our wedding china, but when you're helping to pick the next leader of the free world...
+Dad, you shouldn't do this. It's not fair how much influence you have!
+Now Lisa, I'm an entertainer. And you can't entertain and inform at the same time. And if you're Access Hollywood, you do neither!
+Now they're all excellent choices, so simply pick the white male candidate you prefer and we'll elect him.
+I don't know. Can't we get Chris Christie to run?
+Save me, Obama Care!
+Eh, maybe I'll vote democrat. The great thing is when they get in they act like Republicans.
+No one's voting democrat while I can still draw a bow.
+Ted Nugent! I made love on my honeymoon to your sweet music. You're my man.
+You're endorsing Ted Nugent for President?! He's a right-wing rock star who likes everything I hate!
+Could there be anyone awesomer?
+Who's hungry for elk?
+My daughter's a vegetarian.
+That's all right, she can munch on an antler. Antlers ain't meat.
+I thought I smelled death-a-diddly. What is that, an eight-pointer?
+From the looks of that moustache, I'm guessing you're a tenured professor at the people's republic of Berkeley.
+Hey, the only thing left-wing about me is the way I write.
+That's just fine as long as you're not a Mormon!
+Dad, you cannot endorse Ted Nugent. I mean, sure, we all love his music...
+Oh, yes.
+No question about it.
+I love that guy.
+I listen to him.
+But he's out of his mind -- he can't run for President!
+I bagged me a fat little badger.
+Please, kind sir. Have pity.
+All I hear is "chitter-chitter."
+Arise, Homer Simpson!
+Huh? Who's there?
+Mozart!
+I am James Madison, sir...
+...fourth president of these United States.
+Now come, and I shall teach you of democracy!
+Can we get some pizza on the way?
+They sell some at the gas station.
+I don't want gas station pizza!
+So, how come your picture's not on money?
+Actually, I'm on the five thousand dollar bill.
+Do you give 'em out for fans? 'Cause I'm a fan.
+I want to show you something.
+What's this? Some kind of bi-centennial lemon party?
+These are the framers of the Constitution, Homer. This great nation is built upon the hard work of, well as you would say, "nerds."
+Nerds! You want I should mess 'em up?
+I want you should not mess!
+You are an embarrassment to the aristocratic slaveholders who forged this mighty nation!
+But gravy is the freedom where--
+Silence! Founding Fathers! To me!
+Congress shall have the Power To lay and collect Taxes... no new States shall be formed or erected within the Jurisdiction of any other Staaaate...
+No, no, John Hancock! I don't need insurance! Sam Adams, I'm sorry I made fun of your winter ale!
+Homie, wake up.
+It was all a dream! Oh Marge, Oscar Madison came to me and told me that politics are serious and important!
+Lisa, you were right! I'm not going to endorse anybody for anything!
+Oh, Dad! I'm so glad you've heard the voice of reason.
+Yes, the will of the people should not be subverted by demagogues who... hey, what's this?
+"Springfield Colonial Village"?!
+What the?
+You faked it?! Lisa, how could you?!
+It wasn't just her, Homie. It was all of us.
+I did it just to mess with your mind.
+That's what a play within a play is for!
+No strangling on school days!
+Well, if there's one thing I don't like being taught, it's a lesson. I'm so mad. Not only will I endorse Ted Nugent...but I will call for an end to the direct election of senators.
+Dad, no!
+Really? That made sense? Then I'm definitely doing it.
+Folks, because I love democracy so much, I command you to vote for this man whom I alone have selected as your next President:
+Now to baptize his candidacy with my tears. The words "strutting stadium rocker" are overused these days, but when I first met Ted Nugent...
+What? My emotions were so powerful...
+Come on, hurry up and cry so I can get elected and open up the San Diego Zoo for big game huntin'.
+It's not working... But why?
+Maybe because deep down, you know you don't believe in what you're doing.
+Oh my God, she's right. My lips will say anything, but my eyes know the truth. My ears are keeping their mouth shut.
+My fellow Americans... I am full of crap.
+I knew you were, Dad. I always knew.
+Well, for one brief, glorious moment, I was almost president, sort of, not really. Now let me just play a sweet song that I'll never hear.
+HAIL TO ME / I'M THE PRESIDENTIAL GONZO / HUNT WITH A BOW 'CAUSE IT'S SILENT LIKE THE NIGHT / EAT MOOSES RAW / SO THEIR SOULS GO INTO MY SOUL / I'LL MOVE THE WHITE HOUSE TO KALAMAZOO!
+THERE IS A NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM THAT IS SWEEPIN' THE LAND / AND IT WAS WRITTEN BY ME / AND IT POPPED INTO MY HEAD WHILE I WAS WASHING MY DOG / SUCK ON THAT FRANCIS SCOTT KEY...
+I GOT A GOOD SONG FEVER / A TED NUGENT FEVER / SOMETHING SOMETHING FEVER...
+Sing it, Homer!
+I GOT THIS SONG FEVER
+WE GOT AMERICA FEVER / WE GOT AMERICA FEVER!
+U.S. OF A!
+U.S. OF A! Great song, Ted. When's our next gig? Are we goin' to New York, or--
+Lisa Simpson, your actions have brought devastation upon this town! And all because of your selfish desire to be accepted by others!
+Leave her alone! That's my only talking daughter!
+Lethal inject her on the electric chair!
+Bart, it's okay to say that at home, but not in court! Take it back!
+Withdrawn.
+Now, Lisa tell your side of the story. And use your big voice.
+Well, it all started a couple of months ago...
+Your honor, I'd like to request that everyone in the court picture in their minds what the witness is describing.
+I'll allow it. But no flights of fancy!
+Like all too many stories about my family, it began with somebody watching television.
+Well, McBain. You certainly picked a bad time to come out of retirement. I hope you have a... Cobra plan.
+Down in front!
+Dammit! Why do kids have heads?
+Homie! Stop watching the movie in the other people's car!
+But I'm invested in the characters.
+You'll miss the turnoff to the fancy new mall!
+I make my own turnoffs.
+And that, kids, is how you stick it to the Towne Centre Real Estate Investment Trust. No, no, no. Woo hoo!
+Someone thinks we're leaving. I'll wave them off.
+No, no, no, no, let's see how long we can keep 'em waiting. Everyone act like we're buckling up to go home.
+Homie...
+Marge, if you were married to Da Vinci, you wouldn't tell him not to Da Vinch.
+Dammit, are you leaving or not?
+Leaving? Why on earth would you think that?
+We totally wasted his time.
+And ours!
+This place is so great. When the trolley hits you, it doesn't even hurt.
+You try it, Maggie!
+Ooo, condos!
+Lenny, do you live here?
+Yeah, I just moved in!
+I have a Drippin' Dots for breakfast every morning, at lunch I get a massage in front of strangers, and then I spend the afternoon browsing cell-phone skins.
+Ever get tired of those dancing waters?
+The day I moved in! So what are we all gonna do together?
+Actually, we just came to do some shopping... as a family.
+Oh. No worries. Mr. Mall can make his own excitement.
+Give me one doll from every time period, and set me up for a tea party in a private room!
+Lenny, you asked me to stop you from coming back in here. Let me help you.
+You can help me by giving me Ellis Island Emily! Hi, dear. I'm your Uncle Lenny. I'm gonna buy you an all new wardrobe, fix your teeth, send you to the best schools, and you're gonna hate and resent me for it... 'cause you're an American now.
+I was hanging onto these gift cards as investments... but then half the companies went out of business. Better sort those out.
+Do-over!
+Woo hoo!
+Unspool it into my mouth till that card is at zero.
+Draw the curtain.
+Sir, as a complexion scientist, I must advise you against using any more. This is the most powerful hydrator we sell.
+Less blathering, more slathering.
+Yo, Bart dude. Can I get a ride to the food court?
+Hop on!
+Hm, I kinda want to create my own thing. Do you sell any just plain sets?
+No, we do all the imagining for you.
+Well, I'll just buy one of these and build something different.
+You do and you'd better build yourself a lawyer.
+Miss Simpson, does the court really need to hear...
+...everything that happened in every store your family visited?
+Trust me, I've left a lot out, and cleaned up the swears. Anyway, I ran into some schoolmates and thought they might be friendly. That's what kids do, right? Hang out at the mall together. But when I went over...
+Hi, guys, what are you doing?
+Duh, having feathers woven into our hair.
+Can I join you?
+Lisa, how can we put this...
+...you're the reason no one wears silly bandz anymore.
+They-they don't?
+What the--
+Enough!
+I don't trust this place. Where are the cashiers?
+Yep, the lightest, most desirable computer in the world for the next three weeks: the Mapple Void.
+I wish my dates were this interesting.
+I'll take it! Provided you charge me for services that Google offers for free.
+I already have.
+This computer is so great! I'm watching the latest Sofia Coppola movie at "twenty times" speed to make it seem like a normal movie.
+I think it just froze. Oh no. No, that bird just moved.
+Uh oh, a draggy backpack.
+I have no friends.
+Aw, sweetie. Hey, why don't you make friends with my new computer?
+Let me just download the complete works of Shakespeare.
+Now who's the greatest writer of all time?
+I'd have more friends if I knew what people liked. But I won't know what people like unless I'm their friend. It's a conundrum.
+Helpful hint: if you want friends, don't use words like "conundrum."
+Jimbo heard me say it. I'm dead.
+It's easier to be friends with lots of people online than one person in person. What if I started an online meeting place where all are equal and I am the undisputed center?
+How's this for a conundrum?
+It's not really a conundrum. Sit at my feet and I will elaborate.
+So to summarize, your honor, Lisa Simpson created this "social network" because she had no friends.
+No, that is not true! I--
+May I remind you you're under oath?!
+All right already! I had no friends.
+With an attitude like that, I wouldn't be her friend.
+Life is too dang short.
+So, since I had no friends, I assembled a motley crew of the friendless to help me construct my social network. Did we become friends? No.
+As the CEO of SpringFace, I want you all to have fun as you write source code until you fall asleep at your consoles.
+Here's my favorite computer game: Angry Nerds!
+Nelson, is there any way I could be your friend?
+The only way I would be your friend is if I could click a box under your picture saying "Accept friendship request from."
+Nelson, you've just given us the template for our site!
+I don't care.
+If we don't move, his odds of getting us both are three hundred and seventy-four to one.
+Now, to skip ahead, your diabolical plan was an instant success.
+I never said it was diabolical!
+Withdrawn.
+This social network quickly unified the disparate children of Springfield Unified.
+I just got invited to make out with Shauna! See?
+That went out to two hundred guys.
+And seven girls.
+Santa's Little Helper's friends with Snowball Two? Now I've seen everything!
+All my friends have birthdays this year!
+I just un-friended Skinner!
+Doggone it. I'm less popular than the hornet's nest in the gym.
+You said you were getting rid of that nest.
+We trade the honey for chalk and yardsticks.
+Hornets make honey?
+Better than wasp honey, not as good as bee.
+Is this how you talk on dates?
+Hit refresh.
+Hit refresh.
+I have a thousand friends! And only eight of them are Milhouse.
+A thousand kids?! If you could get each of them to send you a dollar you'd be a millionaire!
+Well, it's not just kids using SpringFace -- it's moms like me. Marge!
+Wait a minute, grownups are on this?
+Yeah, look!
+We've gotta thank you, kiddo.
+We've gotten so much more action since we signed up and used this picture of ourselves.
+That's not you.
+You can see our reflection in the sunglasses.
+Wow, I've created something incredibly popular!
+And I've created something that created something incredibly popular!
+And I created an alcoholic hippo!
+You never showed it to me.
+A stupid alcoholic hippo!
+I still wanna see it.
+There is no hippo!
+Then why did you say it?
+'Cause you're the hippo!
+Are you just saying that 'cause you don't want me to see the hippo?
+I don't have a hippo!
+And so this so-called "SpringFace" spread from the world of children to adults...
+Man, this website makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer.
+I am sitting here... zero sheets to the wind...
+...counting the moments to closing time when I can stumble home to you. Another round, Moe. Uh-oh. Did I type that? Delete! Delete! Hm, typing "delete" does not delete.
+Hope you like the taste of silver!
+It is gratifying to see all of you bowing in prayer...the light of God shining on your faces...
+Uh-oh. Bernice Hibbert keeps "liking" Bumblebee Man's posts. That's how it starts.
+Why did I make this church a Wi-Fi hotspot? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
+Let's see, which Muppet am I? Beaker?! I guess that's fair.
+Friend, friend, awaiting reply, friend...
+Sherri? Terri? Hopscotch? Double Dutch? Ringolivio? Anyone?
+I have a thousand friends, and I feel more alone than ever!
+I'm trying to set a mood here.
+So, to sum up, Lisa's social network turned into the biggest internet failure since... well, there've been so many. "Ask Jeeves," anyone?
+And so SpringFace became too big to control... just like the sixty-foot baby in my self-published novel, "The Sixty-Foot Baby."
+Order it online now, while you can still cheat the government on sales tax.
+As I was saying, SpringFace was used in ways I never expected.
+Thanks for SpringFacing me your head cleaver, Bart.
+Check this out. I'm hiding a bomb in this pile of corpses, so when Kearney loots their ammo, he gets a face full of ass shrapnel.
+Damn, I got ass-shrapped!
+What the! That idiot cut me off!
+I'm gonna run his plates, find out who he is, then change his SpringFace profile picture to a shot of a monkey. Get that, Marge? A monkey!
+Homer! Watch the road!
+Help us, Larry Summers!
+Right. Status update: Homer... is... watching... the...
+Dislike! Dislike!
+Somebody call 911!
+I don't know how to use the phone on my phone!
+Hey, did you guys get my picture of the fire?
+Yeah, I did. Nice grab.
+I didn't get it yet.
+Funny how that works.
+Lisa Simpson, can you give us any reason why the city should not force you to shut down your site?
+I know it's awful and insular, and caused thirty-five deaths, but I had friends! Four digits of friends! I had a friend in common with Malcolm Gladwell!
+He friends everybody.
+Fine. I'll shut down the site.
+Time to get a life.
+We don't need your website. We can make anything into guns.
+Lisa! Lisa!
+Wanna play Marco Polo with us? We just realized you don't have to play in a pool.
+You really want me?
+No. We want your Dad.
+Come on, Lisa!
+Fish out of water!
+Hey, Winklevosses! You're gonna lose yet again!
+You should see the expression on your faces! Oh, wait, you can!
+They're fat, they smoke, they started training a week ago... why can't we pull away?
+Because we can't stop concentrating on that sixty-five million dollar Facebook settlement, which somehow wasn't enough for us.
+Even though we were rich in the first place.
+So long, ya big babies!
+Come on, Wonder twin! Pull!
+And now for a Simpsons "Show's-too-short" story.
+Once there was a young rascal named Bart. / This lad was trouble from the very start.
+When it came to mischief he had a black thumb. / It didn't hurt that his daddy was dumb.
+And when it came to best friends, it was Milhouse who picked him. / Sometimes the sidekick, sometimes the victim.
+Then one day at school engulfed in ennui, / Bart dreamed of wrapping the place in T.P.
+So off to the discount store they did skulk. / With the evil intent of buying in bulk.
+They went to the school and put up a ladder. / Only to wait for Milhouse's bladder.
+All that evening they unfurled with delight. / And soon the school was covered in white.
+The mischievous boys had done their best. / When an eagle approached, needing a nest.
+They tried to escape with struggles and squirms. / But all they got was a diet of worms.
+There they remained to this very day.
+So now you know, pranks do not pay.
+Simpson!
+...and that's why I really don't believe there's a God. Thank you, and God bless America.
+You were only supposed to lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance.
+Well I'm pretty sure it was in there somewhere.
+Now, let me conclude by thanking Moe the Bartender for hosting this meeting while City Hall is fumigated for bedbugs.
+Bedbugs? Just why is there a bed in City Hall?
+Er, uh, meeting adjourned!
+This is so convenient! I can go straight from doin' my civic duty to having a beer with my best friend Carl!
+And I can toss back a Duff Sangre de los Muertos with my best friend: Mexican Duffman!
+Hey Moe, who's your best friend?
+Well... uh... well, I just made friends with Pepto-Bismol on Facebook and uh... um... Hey, would ya look at that? There's a spot on the bar!
+Come on!
+You know what? I think Moe's best friend is really that bar rag!
+That's even sadder than being friends with Milhouse!
+Y'know something, Bart? I'm getting tired of things like that.
+Tired of what? I dump on you, and you take it -- that's how friendship works.
+Not anymore. Friendship over.
+What gives? He's not crawlin' back.
+Even a kid who wears a "Finding Nemo" back brace has some pride. You went too far this time, Bart.
+Hey, Moe! I got a job here for your "best friend," the bar rag.
+Me too!
+Great meeting though.
+Yes, that's right, everyone laugh at the rag. But I was not always this be-stainèd swatch you see before you. Oh no, gentles. We begin in early medieval France...
+...A young peasant wife struggles to feed her family...
+Maman, we are starving...
+Listen to the grumbling of our estomacs!
+That's not your estomacs! It's some men speaking French!
+Now, I have work to do. Complain to your papa.
+Papa? He is no help at all.
+Marguerite, I leave to fight in Flanders! Stupid Flanders.
+All tremble before the duc de Springfield!
+That's enough! Madame, I would like you to weave me a tapestry with the following images:
+Me healing the sick...
+Me killing the healthy...
+Me marrying my sister...
+A long winter where nothing happens...
+Me relaxing with friends...You know, the standard stuff. For this, I shall pay you two copper coins. You have twenty-five years to complete it. You may have one fifteen-minute déjeuner.
+Oh, these innocent creatures are blocking my path. I could walk six paces that way... or I could kill them all right now!
+I am heartily sorry and confess all my sins.
+Absolved!
+Allons-y!
+In their dying fury, those beasts began expelling demon wool.
+And the restless spirits of those murdered sheep compelled Marguerite to loom ceaselessly, even as her husband went off to fight again and again and again...
+As the years went by, the images she loomed were not of the Duc, but rather depictions of the adventures that cloth would experience over the centuries.
+Oh, and by the way...
+That tapestry was me.
+Right, and I was the Gutenberg Bible.
+Maman, we have failed to grow.
+We've had too little food!
+Is it too little food or too much complaining?
+Maman, you are overstressed. You need a vacation. Perhaps to the South of France.
+We're in the South of France!
+One day, as rosy-fingered Dawn wiped the morning gunk from her eyes, the Duc came to claim his infernal drapes...
+What an age for prosthetics we live in.
+Silence! I have reached my verdict. It's not what I expected...
+And yet... it's beautiful!
+But it's also not what I expected. Burn down their house!
+But Le Duc was about to be called home to the worst kind of hell: medieval hell.
+Hey, let's show some French courage and beat up the corpse!
+C'mon, Ralphie, have a try.
+We're submitting that to France's Funniest Cave Paintings.
+Even for a tapestry made of demon wool, this was hard to watch.
+I was moved to a magnificent cathedral...and learned that tapestries were the rock stars of the Middle Ages. I had legions of what you now call groupies.
+It felt like the good times known as the middle ages would never end. But then cruel fate knocked upon the door...
+Guys, it ain't working -- the door's too strong.
+Go Vikings!
+Ow! Stop it!
+You just broke your vow of silence.
+It wasn't a vow. I just didn't want to talk to you.
+This Viking stuff is too dangerous. I'm going to become a gentleman art thief.
+Huh? Hm? What the--
+Spooky. Hm... hm...
+That was the first time I knew anguish and fear. Nothing will ever staunch the pain of that memory.
+Well, that helps.
+Milhouse!
+Milhouse!
+What do you wa--
+What is it, Bart?
+Listen, um... after our fight, I couldn't sleep.
+Well, I was doing fine. Warm glass of milk, some choice cuts from The Wriggles and I was out.
+C'mon, man. At least listen to what I have to say.
+Okayyy...
+Um... well... this is usually the part where you say you're sorry.
+Bart, I'm not your puppet.
+I know, I made you into a real boy last week.
+And I'll always be grateful. But it's time you started treating me with respect.
+They're a tough pair, huh?
+If you let me in I'll give you the Heimlich!
+So to recap: I had been unjustly torn from my lofty perch.
+I wound up as a barter in Persia...
+You have taken our gold and jewels and given us this faded cloth?!
+That's right. And if anyone asked who swindled you, it was Christians. Remember that name: Christians.
+I found myself in the court of the young Persian King. A cruel king who demanded constant entertainment from his wives.
+Eh. Throw her in the pit of boring wives!
+We never go out anymore. / Are you even listening to me? / My sister has a much bigger pit.
+Dude, you've already discarded, like, five hundred wives.
+I think it's weird that you're counting. Send in the next one!
+Good evening, your majesty. May I tell you your slippers are as curly as everyone says?
+Pit her.
+Wait, wait, wait... I can, uh, tell you a story!
+Cease your dragging!
+Uh... there once was a boy named Ali Baba. He and his elder brother Cassim were the sons of a merchant who traded in camels and spices and--
+Needs flavor.
+Okay, just a couple thoughts on your direction so far...
+One day, while out for a walk, Ali Baba was set upon by a thief.
+Make that two thieves!
+A million thieves!
+Forty thieves.
+With her inventiveness and wit, the clever wife entertained her king for a thousand and one nights. And while he slept, she freed her imprisoned compatriots.
+Eh, it was cooler in the pit.
+... and that's how the camel got its hump.
+Another story!
+For once, couldn't you just take a few minutes to let the previous story sink in?
+You dare refuse your king? Guards!
+My downward spiral continued.
+Only cowards use blindfolds.
+I didn't know you were doing that!
+I was unfit for even the most sordid uses.
+How's your neck, your Lordship? No splinters or nuffin'?
+I fear the axe less than that filthy rag.
+You talk fancy now, but you'll twitch like the rest.
+All too true I fear.
+Shut up!
+Your tongue is even sharper than your--
+But then, at my lowest ebb, a moment of hope.
+I played a pivotal role in creating one of the masterpieces of Western Art!
+Michelangelo!
+When will you be finished?
+Hey, you want a quickie? You go to Raphael, baby.
+The artist was never satisfied...
+How 'bout now?
+That's perfect!
+Wait. What? No!
+Now would you like to protect your investment with a clear coat?
+Let me discuss it with my wife.
+The masterpiece was finished... and so was the use for me.
+And then...
+Y'know, Moe, it might be time to buy a new bar rag.
+Yeah, yeah, sure thing, I'll get right on it.
+No way I would abandon you, Raggie.
+You're my best friend.
+So, I guess you didn't eat that "special cheese" that I gave you yesterday, huh?
+Milhouse! What do I have to do, besides changing in any way, to get you to forgive me?
+Gee, Bart. You seem, uh, how can I put it? Milhousey.
+Really? It's not that bad, is it?
+Bart, you'll never learn.
+Milhouse, you're the closest thing I have to a brother. A brother with the wisdom of an older sister. And that's why we squabble, 'cause families always do. But in the end, they're still a family. What do you say... brother?
+Not bad. Did Lisa write that?
+Yes I did. Now I'm going to bed.
+I want something that comes from you, Bart. We're done here.
+But-but-but...
+The glasses are off!
+My degradation continued.
+An enterprising seamstress turned me into the flag of a fledgling nation.
+Unfortunately, a nation on the wrong side of history.
+Like everyone else, I was hit hard by the depression.
+What's for dinner, ma?
+Rag soup!
+That's better.
+I was part of an expedition to the top of Mount Everest. One that had the distinction of failing un-heroically.
+Oxygen... I need oxygen.
+C'mon, man. A few more balloons and this'll look really awesome.
+Worst climbing Everest.
+A Yeti found me and brought me home as a present to his son.
+And now my thousand-year fall from grace is complete. I guess I should be happy here, with my sad, but predictable...
+Moe! Moe! Wake up! Oh no, I don't want to find out what's worse than you!
+Milhouse.
+I've been out here all night, man. Just let me know what it'll take for you to forgive me.
+Can I punch you?
+Can I... have someone else punch you?
+Sure, what've you got? Puppy Goo-Goo comin' my way?
+Ay carumba!
+I'm glad it's over. I wasn't comfortable having the upper hand.
+From now on I'll dominate you... in ways you don't realize.
+That's all I ever wanted.
+Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Hey, Chief Wiggum! Can you help me find my bar rag?
+I can't even find my car in the parking lot at the mall. There was half a kilo of heroin and two suspects inside.
+Can you throw me my house key? Please! It's got a green thingy on it! Stoppp!
+Hey, there's some Pringles in here.
+Nope. Tear gas.
+Haven't forgotten about your rag, Moe!
+I'm-in-Hell- I'm-in-Hell-I'm-in-Hell-I'm-in-Hell...
+Perhaps one of you garments would like to narrate for a while. Men's extra large underwear?
+I'm saving my strength. He's going bike riding today.
+Come on in!
+You've got my rag! But how?
+Well, during the town meeting, which now seems like years ago, I forgot my purse at your bar...and when I came back to get it, I saw how much you love that rag.
+Num-num-num-num-num- num.
+It seemed a little... "ripe", so I brought it home to clean it for you.
+Thanks, Marge. That rag is my only friend in the world.
+Well, that's not true! Everyone in this family is your friend.
+Your bar is the closest thing this town has to an Algonquin roundtable.
+What about that Round Table Pizza run by that Algonquin guy?
+Yeah, yeah, okay, second closest.
+So yaz all like me? Even you, maestro?
+Milhouse.
+Yeah, I, I knew it was something stupid. Well thanks, everybody. I... I'm always gonna remember today as the day that I learned to open my heart to human beings and not old pieces of cloth.
+Crazy me. Thinkin' I needed a rag for a friend.
+So, this is how it ends. The once magnificent tapestry tossed aside yet again like a common Kleenex. Goodbye cruel... what the?
+In all my years, this is a love like I have never felt. Sweet, pure, and forever.
+Well, all marriages have their ups and downs.
+I'm in Hell.
+How'd you get so many more Valentines? I got one from Lisa and one from my optometrist.
+That's a bill.
+No! It's got a love stamp!
+Maybe we should just watch TV.
+Oh Marge, this is brilliant.
+Now son, you know Itchy and Scratchy give you night terrors.
+Last night you had the night terrors.
+Yeah, I dreamt I got fired from that job I dreamt I got the night before.
+Welcome to "MythCrackers," where we debunk rumors, legends, and all religions except the Jesus-based ones.
+It's a beautiful afternoon. No TV.
+Luckily, she doesn't know that our viewing platforms are... multi.
+No TV on the computer!
+No TV on a smart phone!
+Tonight, we take on the classic myth that a cat will always land on its feet.
+And we didn't want to hurt a real cat, so we took this Build-A-Bear carcass...
+...stuffed it with ballistic gel, shot it from a twenty foot barrel steam cannon...
+...and made a scatter plot of the remains. Boo-yah!
+What was it we trying to prove again?
+Don't know, don't care!
+Hey, Bart, why don't we become MythCrackers? I bet those guys get so many valentines.
+That might be a good idea, but then again, you thought it up. Eh, why not?
+Okay, first myth. Using a cell phone at a gas station is dangerous.
+Well, at least I'm cool now!
+Why does the guy have to do everything for the girl on Valentine's Day?
+We show girls love on Valentine's Day, and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July. I just pray they never fall on the same day.
+Homie, read this.
+"My darling husband. This Valentine's Day, I have a present for you..."
+Thanks for reading it to me.
+My pleasure.
+...I want you to have a fun night doing guy stuff. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
+I just think we should do things every day to show our love for each other.
+It's okay, Homie. Go. Have a good time. Take Bart with you!
+Which one do you want?
+You have the most wonderful Mom in the world, which is why I have no idea where she is or what she's doing.
+That's right, sucker! It's Valentine's Day, and I've got a date with some fastballs!
+Lucky bastard. I mean, my darling, I was looking at myself in the side view mirror.
+I hope you hit one off the handle and your hands sting!
+Lisa, I love spending mother-daughter time with you. We have so much in common, like... um... Oh no! Someone's about to put the thousand island ladle into the vinaigrette!
+Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to be nosey.
+Don't apologize. It was dark, then a light came through the crack. The light was you.
+You have a way with words.
+Words are just nails we use to build ideas. Care to continue this discussion at the dessert table?
+Mom, I'm gonna look at the desserts!
+Don't panic. This can be separated out. Quick! Does anyone have a centrifuge?!
+All I wanted was one romantic night.
+Aw, for glyvin--
+Yep, you're the crack head. What dessert are you gonna get?
+I'll toss this fork into the air and wherever it lands, that's what I'll eat. Hiya!
+As Hemingway said, "the shortest answer is doing the thing."
+Um, I should probably get back to my Mom. By the way, my name is--
+No! When I first hear your name, I want to be somewhere important: the peak of Kilimanjaro... the back of a vaporetto in Venice... the--
+Lisa. Now this is the most important place in the world.
+Now that's a spicy meet-cute!
+Hey, Midge! You want a piece of my ziti?
+That cost a nickel, but we'll settle up later.
+Today we tackle the most terrifying "myth" in the history of Springfield Elementary: that if you press E-8 on the candy machine, you get electrocuted and die.
+Did you invent a robot hand to touch the buttons?
+Something like that.
+Ladies and gentlemen, that myth is... cracked!
+Candy cigarettes? I didn't know they made these!
+They were discontinued because they were thought to encourage impressionable children to smoke.
+How dumb do they think we are?
+I can quit any time I want!
+This place is great! If I cover my peripheral vision, I feel like I'm in France!
+Ew. How 'bout I'll just look at you.
+El Puerco! I must break up with you!
+Oh, but the hand-holding is just too good!
+Your juice boxes.
+It's... nice.
+Perhaps we can try a little harder... for the lady.
+Such is the life of the juice boxiér.
+Marge, since you're by yourself, would you like to borrow one of my twins?
+But remember: the one you pick may not be the one you get.
+Mom, I'm sorry I'm late! No excuse, I just forgot all about you. Huh? I'm not sure that patch really represents who I am right now.
+Well. I usually take Lisa, but I can just go with Bart.
+Well, if you'd been here for the design phase, you could've registered that objection. Now start quilting!
+Now there's three of you?
+Or maybe you're losing your mind.
+According to the wisdom of our elders...if you go all the way around on the swing, your body will turn inside-out.
+Cool, now my beauty will be on the outside.
+He's still inside-in, folks! And just to prove it:
+"She had now come to the part that Peter Pan hated. 'I do like a mother's love,' said Tootles..."
+Mom, I have a crush!
+Is it on your father? Little girls always get crushes on their fathers.
+Somehow I missed that phase.
+Almost there, boy. Almost there. Almost there.
+I'm getting' closer. It's just within reach.
+The boy I like is Hemingway-esque!
+Okay. Let's "esque" him to dinner.
+Wow, Nick here in our house. I hope it doesn't make him think less of me.
+This house is not an embarrassment!
+Usually when I say something like that, something extremely embarrassing happens. I'm gonna say goodnight before it does.
+Well. Lisa didn't tell me that she had a sister.
+Or a daughter.
+Oh, my. I don't know if anyone's ever kissed my hand before.
+Well, your arms are lanky. It's kind of a long trip down there.
+My mother said I should bring some wine.
+Hm, the French have gotten into the wine game. Good luck catchin' up with the big boys.
+I'll get a couple glasses.
+Mrs. Simpson, I'd like your permission to take your daughter to the Doritos Nutrition Fair at the school gym.
+You're going with me! But Lisa, after this, I don't want you to spend any more time with this boy. If you do, it'll mean you're a separate person from me.
+Mom can't appreciate the kind of boy Nick is, because although I love Dad, he's a completely different creature.
+Yeah, there's a lot of fish in the sea, but she picked out a drunken walrus. But you and this Nick fella sound to me like the story of Pyramus and Thisbe.
+Which inspired Romeo and Juliet, which inspired West Side Story, which inspired me to say "eh."
+Pyramus and Thisbe were lovers from ancient times!
+They lived next door but their families despised each other.
+I don't like to babble on, but I sure do like Babylon--
+The lovers had to whisper their sweet nothings through a crack in the wall.
+Wait a minute!
+Nick and I met talking through a crack between two booths!
+And the power of that forbidden smooch made them love each other forever.
+Man, that company thinks every time it adds a wisecracking parrot to a story, they own it.
+Talk to the wing, Thisbe!
+Grampa, would you help take me on a foolish romantic mission?
+Let me check my schedule.
+That might work... I think I'm free... Tuesday's open...
+You got it, kiddo.
+Legend has it a girl named Eleanor Mackie drowned on this very spot. Now they say if you call her name three times while looking in this mirror, you will die. Milhouse?
+Eleanor Mackie. Eleanor Mackie. Eleanor Mackie!
+Aw, gimme a break.
+Chief, we heard gunfire!
+The one day the lunch-lady decides to wash her hands...
+Okay. That was the last school myth and it's officially... cracked.
+So school is just... everything we see? That's sad, man.
+You into cigars now?
+It's a Twix.
+I can't be the guy who killed everybody's fun. That's Skinner's job.
+Don't blame me. You killed the fun, fun-killer.
+Milhouse, I've just figured out a way to make school cool again.
+American Girl doll day? You might be surprised at the number of boys who have American Girl dolls. It's not weird 'cause they're historic figures.
+I have found one last myth to destroy -- the so-called legend of Groundskeeper Were-Willie.
+Prepare to be disappointed!
+Gentlemen, we just created a myth.
+Now there's a myth about me I'd like you to correct: I'm not from Edinburgh! I'm also not from Glasgow! I'm from Kirkwall in Orkney! Me father was an Uppie! And me mother was a Doonie! It tore the family apart!
+Mulberry Island. We'll kiss there at sunset.
+Pull over. You're wanted for grand theft retirement home -- the TV remote is in your pocket!
+Hola! Yo soy Maury Povich! Uno de estos siete hombres es el verdadero padre de este "crack baby."
+Everyone's speaking Spanish!
+If we stop now, we'll never make it there by sunset.
+Run, young lovers! I'll take care of the cops!
+But Grampa...
+Go ahead! I ain't afraid of no prison!
+Sir, we're gonna bring you back to your retirement home.
+Relax! It's just my back...and my hip...spinal column...
+Thanks for the ride, Mr. Spuckler.
+Yeah, I don't normally approve of out-breeding, but you two seem nice.
+We could take this boat.
+I don't know... This water's a little choppy.
+I thought you rowed up the Zambezi without a guide.
+Right. Right.
+So, Dad, what kind of stupid idea did you put in Lisa's head?
+She wants to steal a kiss, like Pyramus and Thisbe.
+Did you say "ultimate Frisbee?"
+Women and shoes, am I right?
+Your hands are really cold.
+You know, you were a lot more adventurous at the dessert table.
+I sure was! I'm allergic to chocolate!
+Shut up and kiss me.
+Lisa, it's Hadley Richardson, Hemingway's first wife. Trust me, you're making a big mistake.
+If you don't believe me, ask Pauline Pfeiffer.
+I was his second wife. There were two more after me. Tortured writers make horrible husbands.
+At least you chose to be with him. I was just swimmin' along, mindin' my own business. Next thing I know, I was hanging on his wall! He used to pee in the fireplace!
+Wait, how long is this love for again?
+Eternity!
+Hm, that's a pretty long time.
+Now my lips are getting cold.
+This isn't working out. Lisa, I'm sorry that God gave me this gift of lying to girls, for a little while. I'll see you.
+I feel kinda silly I walked all the way out here. You're just fine. You always are.
+Thanks. But I couldn't have done it, Mom. I mean, the person you kiss under a mulberry tree is someone you'll love for the rest of your life.
+Don't worry, ladies! I'm-a comin'!
+You know, I heard if a fat guy stops moving, he floats.
+Good evening. It is with great sadness I inform you that America and China have declared war, and a massive nuclear attack is expected to reach our shores within the hour.
+That's the sort of hypothetical emergency today's disaster preparedness drill is designed to get us ready for.
+All Springfielders should now move off the streets and inside their homes. Please avoid the superstitious panic which marked the recent lunar eclipse.
+Sorry, Dad. I was afraid the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.
+You idjit! The dragon always coughs the moon back up!
+I know it's futile, but I must again point out there is no dragon.
+Then why am I paying eight hundred dollars a year in dragon insurance?
+Again, I maintain that money would be better spent on car insurance.
+Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars. Jeez, pick up a book.
+I pick up books like you pick up beers!
+Then you have a serious reading problem.
+Now remember, this is only a drill.
+Aaagh! The missiles really are coming! The so-called "drill" is just a way to get you into shelters without causing total chaos!
+Is what I would say, if this weren't a drill.
+This is not a drill!
+Now we're supposed to stay down in our storm cellar for three hours...
+So do your farting now.
+Homie! What if that was the last thing you ever said?
+Don't worry. My last words will be "I can outrun that lion."
+All right, everybody in!
+All right, who's the wisenheimer that's been eating the powdered food?
+Not me.
+Two can play at that game.
+I can do this... I can do this...
+Boy, I told you an hour ago. Stop that!
+But Bunkerball is keeping us sane!
+Do we really have to sit here the whole time? I mean, if we went out now, it might be cool to see the town empty.
+Yeah! I could sneak into the school and write whatever I want on the chalkboard!
+I could see a planetarium show without the secondhand marijuana!
+And I can drive drunk while I'm actually sober!
+It's fun, but not as fun.
+That's odd.
+Why are all those cars parked at City Hall?
+Ay carumba!
+If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a town meeting.
+Not without us, it isn't! Pull over.
+Welcome to this secret meeting, made possible by the fake disaster drill. And a special thanks for the hard work of the Mystery And Secrecy Committee.
+We have names, you know!
+Quit complaining! You only meet once a month!
+Yes, but the meetings last eight hours!
+Shut up! Shut up! This is the most fun I have!
+And now for the reason we are here.
+What's going on? Why is there a picture of us? This isn't good.
+Oh honey, why must you always assume that a huge picture of us, at a secret meeting we weren't told about, is a bad thing?
+The results are in: this town has voted unanimously to get rid of Springfield's unending nightmare: the Simpsons.
+They're here! The monsters are here!
+Moe, it's me, Marge! I'm your friend!
+The monster queen is comin' on to me!
+Why would you want to banish us from Springfield?
+Yeah. We're like family to you. I'm talking to you, headphone-bus driver guy.
+I'll have you know I'm also a hair donor! Salma Hayek wore me to the Oscars!
+This is not about who wore whose hair where. We are here to banish the Simpsons, although we are not pleased to be doing so.
+Me too.
+I feel like a kid at Christmas!
+I believe you know my position.
+I know we're all happy-- I'm just trying to spare their feelings.
+Those freaks have no feelings! Even baby never cry!
+What baby does that?!
+Why would an entire town go to all this fuss to get rid of one family? What have we done that's so terrible?
+I'm glad you asked.
+The simple fact is, the city is going broke cleaning up after Homer's drunken shenanigans...
+We won! Woo hoo!
+Homer! That is not banishment-hearing behavior!
+Bart's pranks, which dwindle in humor as they rise in destruction...
+And Liser's environmental initiatives...
+If I may speak.
+We're not monsters. We're just people. People who love each other and love this town. The only place we've ever called home. Thank you.
+Marge, you are a sweet woman and you make us see your family in a more forgiving light.
+Thank you.
+Which is why you're the worst Simpson of all!
+Now, now, now just a second here! Now, I know we're not perfect. But, uh, I believe it was Sammy Hagar who said--
+Silence!
+That was an "inside me" bone!
+Make way for Captain Coolerhead!
+Now, I like a good old-fashioned witch trial as much as the next person, but I do not think we should be so quick to judge our long-time neighbors...
+Not so fast, Flanders. We knew you'd be the voice of mercy. And we're prepared to answer your concerns.
+Any other objections?
+I withdraw my... diddily...
+I always thought "tarred and feathered" was just a figure of speech.
+Good luck patching potholes and stuffing pillows now!
+Simpsons, in accordance with article six, section two of the town charter...
+Wait! If you banish us, you shall be cursed with a thousand-year drought.
+I mean a thousand-year flood!
+I mean a thousand years of perfect weather.
+Just get out!
+I'M A ROLLING STONE / ALL ALONE AND LOST...
+FOR A LIFE OF SIN / I HAVE PAID THE COST...
+That was the last Springfield radio station. Now we just get Shelbyville talk radio.
+If you see a Simpson, do not try to reason with it. Just kill it and turn in the pelt for a free soda.
+Soda, eh?
+Dad, where are we going? Do we have a plan?
+Oh, let's face it. I'm the one that's brought this fate upon us. And there's only one way out: I've gotta man up. Okay, manning up... manning up. Mannning-- Girling down! Girling down!
+Hey, Henrietta Hippo, I've got to drain the inchworm.
+Please. Put that down.
+I just got started!
+Not you! Him!
+You best get back where you belong!
+Please sir, we've been thrown out of a place we've always called home. We just wanna live out our lives in peace.
+Rejected by society, huh? Well, why didn't you say so? Welcome to the off-the-grid, unincorporated settlement we proudly call "The Outlands!"
+We found a new home! When God shuts a door, he opens a window.
+Oh, I wouldn't be openin' no windows. Coyotes will take your baby.
+THE OUT-LANDS!
+Eh, I'm sick of watching Fox. Let's get some fresh air. I got the ATV's right out back.
+Should I get my helmet?
+Helmet? That's Springfield talk.
+Is there gas in these?
+Springfield talk!
+Well how are we supposed to get fuel?
+Private plane crashes.
+Ahhh, smell that unpolluted air! Y'know, I'm glad we're in exile.
+Yep, I never realized how much I hated every single one of my friends and relatives.
+I don't think this place is so great.
+I'm trying to make the best of things, but I'm worried Maggie is falling in with a bad crowd.
+I miss our home and I want to go back.
+It's not perfect here, but it is close to nature and if you have an axe to grind, Wikileaks is right over there.
+How're you doin', Mr. Assange?
+That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors... would you like to come over for a movie sometime?
+Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?
+Getting a little clingy, aren't we?
+Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
+Well I've got a really big secret for you... I'm not wearing any underwear.
+You know, you should really get out less.
+He's no Ned Flanders. And I miss the Springfield sign and how every street is a dead end. God help me, I even miss Helen Lovejoy criticizing my brownies.
+Hey baby, banned forever doesn't mean you can't go back sometimes.
+Yes it does.
+Pipe down, boy. I'm sneaking you back into Springfield.
+Oh, "Smithers"!
+Homie, these disguises won't fool anyone.
+Pish tosh, Smithers, and fiddle-dee-dee! Nailed it!
+Hold it right there!
+Mr. Burns! You might catch a cold out this late. You want my jacket? Here, lemme warm my gun up for ya.
+Excellent.
+Yeah, it wouldn't be you if you didn't say "excellent."
+You know what's great about you, Marge? After all these years you can still shinny up the donut, and then pull me up after you.
+Look! A shooting star!
+Do you ever wonder if there are donut shops on other planets?
+On a night like tonight I have to believe there are.
+Strike! Woo hoo!
+Wanna make out over the foul line?
+Ever since the day we met.
+The old homestead. Remember when we moved in and I talked like this?
+There's no sex like fugitive sex.
+Home sweet squat.
+Yeah, this place is awesome, but it's not puppy safe, and my little guy's coming tomorrow.
+Someone's downstairs!
+I think I heard a pair of underpants being picked up off the ground. Big ones!
+It's them! Bart's mom and the fat guy!
+Let's turn 'em in.
+Not so fast. This case was already cracked...by the last person you'd expect -- the Chief of Police! You really thought you could fool me with that Burns and Smithers getup? I mean, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the pencil thing, but I'm at least as smart as a cat. Right, Lou?
+What breed, Chief?
+I mean, I saw an Abyssinian once who could change channels.
+That is pretty smart.
+All right! You caught us. What are you gonna do about it? Throw us out of town again?
+Crucify them! And screw the boulder in tight!
+Make 'em write monologue jokes!
+Cancel their subscription to the opera!
+We hate opera!
+Then get them a subscription to the opera!
+I say shoot 'em!
+Now hold on just a minute. Nobody said anything about shooting.
+I did. Just now.
+Ah, that's right, you did. Well, all right.
+Don't even bother shooting us. We've found a new place that we love. A place that may not have indoor plumbing, but it's got something we treasure more...
+Yeah. Non-jerks!
+Maybe he's right. We are jerks.
+You want I should spray some of my "Jerk Off" on ya?
+Eh -- it's okay.
+In our new community, people accept others for who they are. I thought I wanted to come back to my house, but instead, I'm going to go back to my home.
+Well, bah to them. Let's go, Smithers.
+Oh, all right.
+That's all it took? I just had to ask?
+Well, I've tightened the bolt! I think we're good!
+You sure this is a good idea?
+This is the outlands, boy. Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free! Power on!
+I was wrong, there are bad ideas! There are terrible ideas!
+Now I'm over here!
+I'm on it.
+Lenny Lenford. You're a long way from your barstool.
+I'm-I'm-I'm here as a friend, looking for a better way of life!
+Hey Lenny, welcome aboard.
+Now, I gotta warn you, if you find a little black thing on your pillow, it won't be a mint.
+I don't mind. I want a fresh start... and so does Carl.
+Get her off! Get her off!
+Let her slice off the tip of your ear, and she'll go right to sleep.
+That's not a choice you get to make.
+This is pretty tasty.
+Yep. And I like how it's dissolving a hole in the cup.
+Hey! Guys! What can I getcha?
+Forget it. We don't need some big city bartender chargin' us an arm and a leg for something we can do ourselves.
+Sure, sure. I understand. But if you change your minds, I'll be here in this cave.
+I got a funny feeling our paradise is about to get ruined by unwanted guests.
+I probably shouldn't have given this place five stars on Yelp.
+Well, I rented that plane.
+Oh, that tears it! I am not comfortable being this close to medical care. I'm outta here.
+What are you doing here?
+I, uh, heard everything was goin' great in your new Eden, with one flaw: you lack a corrupt city government.
+True, true.
+And a school system that teaches to the test, sneaks the kids the answers and still fails.
+Stop! Stop! This is everything we put behind us!
+You can't leave civilization, Marge. Humanity is an inexorable upward march. Or was till the year two thousand.
+Well, I did miss a few things about the grid... like everything!
+Maureen Dowd, we've got a lot of catching up to do.
+I'm sure someone will come back to tell me where they went. If I go inside they might not find me.
+Come on, man, we wouldn't leave you behind.
+Bless you, boy!
+Accident! Here comes another one!
+Ow! Ow!
+It's nice to be wanted.
+The Outlands!
+Dad? Dad?
+Yes! Awake! Let's do this!
+Dad, I wanted to give you a heads-up. Mom's birthday is tomorrow. It's time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present that's not completely insulting.
+You know sweetie, there was a time when I would've killed for that information, but I'm pleased to announce I've already bought your mother a present.
+And brace yourself: I put some thought into it.
+It's a state-of-the-art food mash-'em-upper.
+Wha--? Mom is gonna love that!
+"Love"?! Your Mom's gonna feel so good it'll make mere "love" seem like chewing tinfoil. Because today I'm getting it autographed.
+By who? Lenny?
+By the box lady herself!
+Man, oh man, look at this place! Finally, a supermarket with a clear premise: island something.
+It's like going to Hawaii without the murderous locals!
+They have jellies made of fruits I've never heard of!
+These'll go great with betel nut butter!
+Wow. I don't believe the Simpsons will be shopping at the Kwik-E-Mart anymore.
+Oh really?
+Apu! What are you doing out of your natural habitat?
+I am finding out who my real customers are, and who is going to cheat on my store with some South-Sea sugar shack!
+But at the Kwik-E-Mart, the only fresh fruit is the one banana by the register.
+You keep your ice cream right beside the motor oil!
+You sell cigarettes to kids!
+Now see here. I have always considered you cash-giving cows to be my friends. And friends do not betray friends!
+Friends are the only people you can betray! And you'd do it in a second for a supermarket that gives free coffee samples!
+Defend yourself, sir!
+Convenience forever, freshness never!
+Would you sign this for my wife Marge? She's a big fan and her birthday is tomorrow.
+Uh-huh... You know, while I was signing this for your wife, I just cooked up...
+...a great idea!
+How would you like it if I called your wife live from my show tomorrow to wish her a happy birthday?
+You would do that? Oh my God, this might be a Marge's birthday where I get sex!
+Ooh! An apron with a sonnet!
+Open mine! Quick, before it suffocates!
+A bunny! Just like the one I had when I was a girl! How did you know?
+Check it out! It's on TV!
+No refunds.
+I saw this picture at Grandma's house, then I hit the pet stores till I found one that looked just like it.
+Oh Bart, you got me the fluffy pet I've never stopped thinking about!
+Now, last but not least, your present, Homie.
+Wait one sec, Marge. Before you open it, you're gonna get a phone call that will make this your most awesome birthday ever.
+Well, we're still focused on me instead of watching golf, so that's pretty good.
+The only golf we'll watch is ladies' golf, and we're not watching that. Now in three... two... one...
+I repeat. One...
+Onnnnnnneee...
+...Onnneee... onnneee...
+Please don't say one again.
+Onnneee.
+Homie, whatever it is, it's not happening.
+This yolk-separating camera-hog was supposed to call you and say happy birthday! From her show!
+Well, at least you remembered I like her.
+A pity kiss?! That tears it! I'm gonna call that Paula Paul and give her a piece of my mind!
+The phone's dead.
+Normal, normal, normal, normal... uncharacteristic?! Hm, a chew-through. What could have...
+Aw... I mean arrrgh!
+Aw, he's trying to eat ewectwicity.
+You let this monster into our home! Where he chewed through our one and only phone cord!
+Wait! Maybe Paula Paul left a message.
+Hi, Marge! Paula Paul here, calling live from "What's On Paula's Windowsill?", ready to wish you a happy birthday... ...but since you're not home yet, we'll go to commercial and call you right back. Hi, Paula Paul, calling back for Marge Simpson! Kind of a big moment for you, a little surprised you're not picking up! Marge, this is just plain disrespectful. I bumped a segment to do this and you're making me look like an ass! Screw you, Marge Simpson! Don't read my books and don't make my recipes! May my curse follow you beyond the grave!
+They're booing you, Marge! An audience full of church groups and marines!
+Marge, go to Hell, Marge!
+I think that's enough birthday fun.
+Why you little... I'm gonna get... No, Homer. You can't strangle a boy on his mother's birthday. Juries hate that. So instead, boy, I want you to... get in that rabbit cage!
+No way, man! I'm a free-range kid!
+No backtalk! In the cage! Now!
+Get in there!
+Son, do you have a minute?
+I've been thinking. I really shouldn't have put you in there and left you there while we were having pizza without you. So I'm gonna let you out with my apologies.
+Don't wanna come out.
+I like it in the cage. These cedar shavings are a helluva lot better than my lumpy mattress.
+Boy, get out of that cage!
+But it's my home now, sir.
+I'll poke a broom in there! You know I'm capable of it!
+Stupid kid.
+This isn't comfortable at all! I don't see how a rabbit could possibly--
+There. Finished.
+Awesome revenge -- cutting your Dad's face out of a piece of cardboard!
+No, you dweeb. It's a stencil. I'm gonna take Homer's ugly face and spread it all over town.
+Can I come? Every vandalism spree needs an obnoxious laugher.
+You're in.
+Hey, you punks! What're you doing?
+If you wake up my pigeons they're gonna do their business again. And these days there's no newspapers so I have to put down Amazon Kindles. I'm like... it's, it's bankrupting me.
+DRI-VING-TO-WORK!
+Wait a minute... that guy on the poster looks familiar.
+Don't just stare back at me, come up with a theory! Geez, it's all over the place. Holy Moly.
+Quiet night. Nothin' but the sound of a spray can and kids laughing, heh.
+Tag, we're it! Springfield has been hit hard by a mysterious graffiti artist and his iconic calling-card, which we have dubbed "Mr. Fatso."
+Heard about this thing, boy?
+No, no, I'm too concerned with unemployment.
+Hm, sounds like a lie, but what could he be covering up?
+Homie, have you seen our stencil budget for this month?
+Not now, Marge!
+Chief, any leads on this "Vandal Van Gogh?"
+I don't traffic in wordplay, Kent. But I do have a message for Mr. "Prank Lloyd Wright."
+Uh, that's architecture, not painting, Chief.
+They're all artists, Lou! Why don't you open your eyes. Now, as for Mr. Prank Gehry, you may have thumbed your nose at the police...and made yourself into a combination of Robin Hood, Luke Skywalker and, well, every rapper ever...but unless you prove that this wasn't just a one-time spree, and take your controversial art form to the next level, I am not impressed.
+Boy, you like this necklace I just bought?
+Pretty dope, don't you think?
+So, how do you like working at Swapper Jack's?
+Hey, after biting off a man's nose in a prison race war, selling pre-cooked pad thai to soccer moms is pretty darn sweet. Here, I'm not Jailbird. I'm just "Bird."
+This is a stick-them-up!
+Because I have a gun, you must stick them up now! Yes, it is loaded, with bullets that you put in my chest. Now empty the cash drawer! Come on!
+Alright, chill, bro. Just chill.
+I will chill you, right between your damn eyes! For once, the Indian has been outsourced!
+Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh. Just give me the piece. You've got a family, dude, or were you lying when you begged for your life?
+Sweet Vishnu the Destroyer, what have I done?
+It's okay. The jails, they don't have room for us now. Wiggum just makes you do book reports for Ralph. But you have to make 'em so it looks like he's done it. That's kinda the hard part.
+Where's this 2006 Beaujolais that's puttin' me out of business?
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's a white wine? And wha- a Swiss cheese? And a peanut butter? And a potato chip? And toilet paper? Wha-what?!
+Yo, mysterious pranksters, it's time for dinner.
+Dammit, she knows! Okay, how do we buy your silence?
+Just throw in a couple of "fur is murders."
+How is fur murder? They're just animals.
+Fine. Fur's murder. Everything's murder.
+Bart, you've really grown as an artist.
+Thanks, Milhouse. We make a great team.
+Hold it right there!
+The jerk in the glasses did everything!
+Need... inhaler!
+Oh God, man! Here, drink this paint thinner.
+So you're the two punks who've been tagging the town. Congratulations.
+We're street artists.
+But the drumsticks...
+Take that, Ronald Reagan! Even in death you're not safe from me!
+Is that graffiti or are you opening up a "Mommy and Me?"
+That's it. You just got yourself a place on the wall, kid.
+Nooo! I've been satirized! Who are you guys?
+Kenny Scharf, Robbie Conal.
+I'm Shepard Fairey.
+What was that name again?
+Shepard Fairey.
+Haw haw!
+I'm the guy who created the Obama "Hope" poster, and the "Obey" stickers.
+Man, you're the talkiest bullies I ever met.
+We're not bullies, we're artists. And so are you. Urban vandalism is now the hottest art form there is.
+Hey, I got an F in art. Mainly so it would say "fart" on my report card.
+Bart, we would love to set up a gallery show for your street art.
+Well, if it's in a Gallery, how is it street art?
+Bart, street art is not about questioning authority.
+Well, I'll have to discuss it with my partner.
+Bart, say yes! At the opening, I could wear a sports jacket with a t-shirt and jeans!
+First, I'm not sure you have the shoulders for it, and second, maybe we've pushed this far enough.
+I put you in a rabbit cage! I poked your flab back in! Square by square!
+Count me in.
+Apu! It is a miracle!
+What now? Swapper Jack is reuniting Led Zeppelin in aisle six?
+Swapper Jack's is closing!
+No! Do not give me false hope like the time they said it was only sextuplets.
+It is true! Every successful corporation harbors a terrible secret. Theirs is that what they sell as chicken is actually monkey.
+Stunted monkey tails.
+And their chicken pot pie?
+Monkey pot pie.
+But how 'bout their rotisserie chi--
+Monkey, monkey, monkey! They scoop them up off the streets of Brazil!
+So, we have won. Finally I am lucky at something.
+You were lucky at love.
+Yeah, sure, baby.
+Hey Bart, check this out.
+Look at me, I'm Mr. Fatso! It's funny 'cause it's so preposterous.
+We've hit the big time!
+I carumba? Not so loud! If my Dad hears about the show, he might realize Mr. Fatso is him!
+What the--
+What? No! It can't be!
+Shut up! I'll fix you!
+Yes, master.
+Here car. Here, boy.
+Excellent installation, dude.
+And a great excuse for me to bust out my courtroom jacket.
+Thanks guys, I um... huh, this collar's feelin' pretty tight.
+Help! Helllp!
+Oh, this is just a dream. All I have to do is wake up.
+Why you little...
+Pay for your genius!
+Oh, what's the use? When a man isn't a hero to his son, he's nothing.
+I like what used to make a neighborhood look dangerous now makes it look sophisticated.
+I like how the painting makes more than I do.
+Looks like Dad's not coming.
+He won't leave the car.
+I can see how this show might not be to his liking.
+C'mon, Dad. You made me mad so I got back at you. How was I to know parents had feelings?
+Well, we do.
+I wanna show you I understand how you feel. And they say a picture's worth a thousand words:
+You just ruined my car.
+Correction. It's worth ten times as much.
+Five hundred dollars? Woo-hoo! Thanks, boy.
+You're welcome. And from now on, Dad, if anyone laughs at you, they've gotta go through me.
+Really, anyone? What about the Hulk riding a rhinoceros? Would you stop him from laughing?
+Wait, is the Hulk laughing, or the rhinoceros?
+Both, but the rhinoceros doesn't know why. He's just trying to fit in.
+Dad, it's getting cold out here.
+Art lovers and Bart lovers! First of all, I'd like to thank the good folks at Springfield Arts Daily for setting this up.
+Thank you for bringing us a fresh new voice.
+Yes... yes. Yes.
+As a graffiti artist, there're so many people to thank... people who build walls... nighttime, for being dark...
+Hold it right there, Spray-candy Warhol!
+Bart Simpson, you're under arrest for tagging the town. This overdue art-quake that taught us all a new way of seeing was actually a police department sting!
+It was?
+Yeah. Do you think people would be stupid enough to pay for something some amateur put on a wall for nothing?
+Oh, no indeed! Now if I can just get my three million dollars back...
+But he just said the show was a sham.
+Oh, it is. And I'm just a guy sitting at a table. The only thing that's real is the sign that says "no refunds."
+Wait, Chief. I must know... who tipped you off?
+Probably shouldn't tell you this, but it was our undercover officer... Shepard Fairey.
+You're an undercover cop?
+Hey, don't be so surprised. I spent twenty years putting up posters that said "obey."
+What gives, Daddy-O? I thought you were the dean of the underground scene.
+I'm not in the business of helping out posers any more. Now I just sell stuff to them.
+Wait, wait, wait. He's just a boy! Do you have to put him in jail?
+Well, we've gotta teach him a lesson somehow.
+Chief, I believe I have the answer in the back of my car.
+There you go.. thanks for comin' out...
+I need to go to the bathroom.
+Knock yourself out.
+All right, time's up!
+Oh, no! Nooo! No, no, no, no.
+Item being procured: one standard-size paperclip.
+Did you guys see that stupid foul call in the game last night?
+See it? We followed the ref home and beat the crap out of him.
+I still think that might've been a kid who worked at Foot Locker.
+Hey, the supply room's open. I better close it.
+Unguarded stuffff...!
+Attention, lovers of free office supplies! Come and steal things you can easily afford!
+Can someone open this bottle of mother wolf placenta for me?
+Mr. Burns! Save me, panic!
+Woo hoo!
+My rubberized bands! My binder clips! My accordion Post-Its!
+Oh Lenny, why would you steal my bear?
+I just wanted something to cuddle at night.
+That's my cuddle bear! I loved him, I shot him, he's mine!
+It has come to my attention that you lunch-bagging wage-lizards are robbing me blind!
+If you paid us better, we wouldn't have to steal!
+You don't even work here!
+You mean I've been calling in sick for nothin'?!
+I may not be here tomorrow, that's for sure.
+Only one of you monkeys wasn't caught with his sticky paw in my tin cup... Homer Simpson!
+How ya doin' there?
+He threw us under the bus, and now he's sittin' in the bus driver's lap!
+Now Simpson, how is it that you alone manage to keep your moral compass pointed to true north?
+Well sir, before I do anything I stop and ask myself, "What would Jesus and Mr. Burns do?"
+You are garbage made flesh!
+Hush! Now, while Simpson gets the day off, the rest of you will write thirty-page essays entitled "Homer Simpson: Moral Lodestar."
+Question: can we have fun with it?
+No you may not!
+Y'know boy, my dad used to take me fishing just like this.
+More angry texts from work!
+That's a lotta eights!
+I can't believe you got all your friends in trouble, and you got the day off!
+Hey, it's called "karma."
+Isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you?
+A common misconception.
+Suck it, karma! Yeah! I'm talkin' to you, karma! Karma's a bitch, karma!
+Nothin' better than a lazy Saturday morning, lying in a warm, moist bed. Because weekends are-- Moist?!
+I wet the bed! The one embarrassing thing I've never done!
+Marge, from time to time I've heard you speak of a "washing" "machine." Where would I find this marvelous contraption?
+Why? Are you going to do the laundry?
+Not just the laundry... That would be weird, and you might ask questions. I wanna do all the chores!
+Don't yell at me, brain! This happened on your watch! You have two jobs: thinking and bladder control!
+I like to watch Lamar Odom play X-Box while his giant wife yells at him. Is that so nuts? Huh? Yeah, shut you up.
+Now, I'm sure yesterday's incident of urination domination was a one-time deal. But just to make sure...
+Why can't I cork my wang-wine?
+Ho-mer! You do not yet understand the meaning of kar-ma!
+But isn't karma just an expression of the dharma?
+That is beside the point, okay? If something bad is happening to you, it must be because of something you did to others.
+Deep down, I must be feeling guilty about getting my friends in trouble! And my problem won't stop till I make things right with them. But first, a little more sleep.
+This is the best "I'm sorry" party Homer's ever thrown.
+Who the hell are you?
+I'm sorry. Cheese on that? Sorry. Hey, Lenny. Sorry.
+One more announcement: make sure you whack "piñata me" and not real me.
+A lot of work went into this thing.
+So, I gotta know... do you guys forgive me?
+Ain't no problem that free food and free booze won't fix!
+Free? Uh...
+Free it is!
+Thanks, guys. Tomorrow morning my sheets will be as dry as the surface of Mars except for the poles.
+What the?! Wet again?! I did the right thing for nothing! There's only one solution left.
+Homer Simpson! You forgot your receipt for your adult bedwetting product! Homer Simpson! Are you there?
+Okay... Place detection pad here... connect alarm hookup... there!
+Now that's what I call looking out for number one.
+What's going on?
+Um, uh... probably just the fire alarm -- try to go back to sleep.
+You stupid...
+What's goin' on? Is this a joke?
+Son, I'm afraid the Uralarm Whiz-no-more 9000 is no joke.
+What is going on?
+Kids, there's something I have to tell you -- your mother and I are wetting the bed.
+We're wetting the bed?
+Hey, when you were pregnant everything was "we."
+I'm sorry, Homie. A diaper just isn't sexy.
+What about Cupid? He's smokin' hot.
+He's a baby with wings!
+Marge, it's not the diaper, it's what's inside.
+BUM-BA-BUM-BA / BUM-BA-BUM-BA...
+That's just not doing it for me.
+Professor Frink, are you all right?
+Oh yes, yes, I'm fine, my dear. I was just trying to get past the New York Times pay-wall and then kaboy! And what brings you out in the middle of the night?
+It's kind of embarrassing...
+Yes, I heard about your husband's bedwetting problem.
+How do you know about it?
+Tweeted by Bart, re-tweeted by Krusty.
+Well, perhaps I can help -- you see, I have invented a device that allows you to enter someone else's dreams, and explore their subconscious.
+...so we can go inside Homer's sleeping mind and find out why he's wetting the bed.
+Uh yes, in fact, I just used it to cure another Springfielder of his particular obsession.
+Normal Stu likes normal things!
+We're actually entering Dad's dreams?
+Yes, yes, you see it's the only way you can uncover the psychological trauma that is causing your father's secret shame.
+Why does Maggie have to go?
+What am I, a babysitter?!
+Hey, guys! Whatcha doing in my dream?
+Trying to fix your broken brain.
+What do I do?
+My brain's fine! In my dreams I'm an intermediate skier!
+Ski patrol! Everyone be cool!
+It's Death! I recognize him from fortieth-birthday cards!
+Homie, this might be a clue! What's in that coffin could be behind your nighttime oopsies!
+You wet the bed?!
+Great, now Death knows.
+What do you see?
+Um nothing... typical dream nonsense.
+Relax, everyone knows that if you die in a dream, you just wake up!
+Oh, uh, actually, because I neglected to install the latest Adobe Acrobat update, if you die in the dream, you die in real life.
+Incidentally, I've also proven that Hell is real, and everyone goes there. Frink out.
+Wait a minute, I can't die.
+Listen, everyone! We should fall asleep in this dream! One minute at this level equals two hours one dream level below!
+Wait, dreams have rules?
+Everything has rules, Bart.
+Not me when I hit the dance floor!
+Bart! Can the chatter and fetch me a baloney sandwich!
+Why don't you fetch it yourself, man.
+Bart's making faces!
+Shut up, you kids, and bring me baloney!
+Wait nicely!
+Simpson family?
+Now, I believe that to solve Homer's problem, he must face what's inside the coffin.
+Forget it, Doc! What if that's my marriage in there?
+Marriage, shmarriage. What's in the box, man?
+See what your monkeyshines have done, boy?!
+Still smells better than your gym socks, man.
+Why you little... I'll teach you to make fun of my socks...
+Quick! Quick! Everyone into my dream!
+What brings thy merry band to Stratford's plains?
+Forsooth, a myst'ry-
+In your dreams!
+We never do my thing!
+I know this dream! It's the land of my innermost thoughts and fondest desires!
+At last we'll get to the bottom of...
+Welcome back, handsome.
+Uh, Marge, this is my friend Keggy...
+In this fantasy Kwik-E-Mart, you get your change in bacon.
+Woo hoo!
+In this place mothers are for drunk driving!
+Hey Dad, if this is your fantasy world, how come Flanders is here?
+Hidilly-ho, Dream Team!
+Where's my God now?
+Homie! We're here to find answers to your problem!
+We know there's a marriage in trouble and it has something to do with fish...
+Oh, lighten up, Marge. I take you to the Disneyland of me, and you just wanna go to the Lost and Found. Well guess what? We're stayin' in this dream forever!
+Whee! I'm in me! / Oh! / I love the down parts! Here comes!
+Unplug these people, Dr. Ker-dork-ian!
+Oh you foolish man, if I unhook them now, I won't know if this is safe to use on chimps!
+All right, I'll do it myself. Give me that, give me it!
+Quick! Gum up the gears with Moes!
+Hey, you know what's good for cleaning Moe gunk outta your rollers? White vinegar. Yeah--
+We're gonna be here a long time.
+The machine.
+Oh Death, you're a lifesaver!
+Thank you, Death. And may I ask what's taking so long with Larry King?
+I am not...
+...death.
+Gramma!
+Mona, you're alive?!
+No, but I live on in Homer's dreams.
+Just like my hair.
+That's Jennifer Aniston's hair on "Friends."
+Exactly like Chandler, always criticizing.
+Now I have something to show you.
+Something that just might help Homer wake up dry.
+While you boys are out playing in the boat, I'll go to the store and pick us up some dinner.
+No need -- with two Simpson men in the boat, we'll bring you back a pile of fish!
+I'm in charge of the tackle box!
+And we're off!
+Goodbye!
+Man, Homer, you've always been a loser.
+Why you little...
+There's nothing in this dream world that can't strangle you!
+I heard you and mommy yelling again last night.
+Oh, no, no. It was just a TV show... Mitch Miller was yelling at one of his idiot singers. You just concentrate on catchin' the fish and not whether there'll be someone there to cook it.
+I got a bite!
+We got a fish! We got a fish!
+Settle down there, boy.
+After we eat it, can we let it go? Can we catch a submarine?
+You got home hours late with no fish. It was only a few weeks later that I left your father for good.
+You left him because I tipped the boat over and ruined the vacation!
+Pathetic. A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all.
+It's true! I failed the basic duty of childhood. And then when I took Bart fishing, it all came back -- and the guilt made me wet the bed!
+Case closed! Now, let's return our dream skis.
+Case not closed.
+You have nothing to feel guilty about, and I can show you. Roll the film, Cletus.
+"Roll the film, Cletus." "Kiss me, Cletus." Whatever you say, boss lady.
+Sorry, Mona. We had more of an adventure than we planned on.
+It's okay, Abe. You brought back the only treasure I care about.
+And when the time came that I had to leave your father, I knew you were in good hands.
+I'm cured. I'll never wet the bed again.
+And maybe you'll stop overeating too!
+No can do, baby.
+And never forget, Homer: the three of us will always be together in your memory.
+Right next to the movie trivia.
+Stanley Kubrick wanted Robin Williams to star in "The Shining."
+"Casablanca" was originally going to star Ronald Reagan.
+There was a "Grease Two" and I wasn't in it. Whoa!
+Hey, watch it!
+And now you'd better run along, sweetheart.
+Goodbye.
+Woo-hoo! I'm dry! Come on, everybody! Feel daddy's underpants!
+We'll take your word for it.
+So what do I do again?
+Spin the top. If it falls over, we're in reality. If it spins forever, we're still in a dream.
+All right.
+Look at it go! All right! Hey, since it's a dream, let's ride our bikes naked around town.
+Sounds like a plan!
+Is that hail coming down?
+It's just dream hail! Ow! Oh! Ow! Dream hail! Hey, there's a dream truck!
+WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE / YOU DREAMED YOU WERE BIG / YOU MUST'VE BEEN SOMETHIN' / A REAL TINY KID
+WHEN YOU WERE BIG / AND NEEDED ADVICE / YOU REACHED FOR YOUR MOM / YOU DREAMED ME ALIVE / AND YOUR
+DREAM HAD A NAME / AND THE NAME TOLD YOUR STORY / IT'S CALLED GROWING UP / YOU'RE THE DREAM OPERATORRR...
+Power's out.
+Your father must be sleeping on his side again.
+From downtown! And it counts!
+Think he's okay?
+Thank you.
+Just drink some water, you're alright.
+Oh yeah, you don't wanna go to the hospital at five o'clock on a Friday.
+Woo hoo! Thank God it's T.G.I.F!
+Attention, wage worms!
+It's time for afternoon announcements.
+This Monday, the plant will be conducting physical examinations of all employees.
+Anyone testing positive for narcotics will be terminated immediately!
+Bad news, Lang-Soo.
+Some casual Friday this is.
+You're outta here, drug-o.
+And don't forget, federal law mandates that we consider alcohol a drug.
+I told them to make these track d'oh-proof!
+Homie! You're home early!
+Well... I didn't really feel like going to Moe's today... thought I might hang out here for as long as I can take it.
+Company physical coming up, huh?
+Yeah... but a weekend without drinking is no big deal. I did it when I was in that alcohol-induced coma.
+So, what's on the agenda?
+Well, we're having brunch with my sisters...
+...you're hosting my Preteen Braves meeting...
+...and we're gonna make dreamcatchers out of litter we pick up.
+...you promised to help me write a haiku...
+Why did I do that? / It sounds so dull and boring. / What was I thinking?
+Thank you!
+Kill him. Kill him.
+And you and I were going to study the municipal voter's guide.
+What the-- Section 1 of Article 21 of the State Constitution is amended to read: Section 1. In the year following the year in which the national census is taken under the direction of Congress at the beginning of each decade, the Legislature shall adjust the boundary lines of Congressional, State Senate and Assembly districts. Liquor... mustn't think of liquor...
+Hey, there, what's cookin'? C'mon, boy. Crack my seal and drink your father.
+Wait a minute. That feels good.
+So, a sober weekend hasn't been that hard. Let me just take a few antidepressants here.
+I feel sorry for people without willpower. I truly do.
+Homie, what are you drinking?
+A surprisingly not-horrible fruit drink called a mimosa.
+There's champagne in those!
+Then there's champagne in me! What am I gonna do? It's less than twenty-four hours till my drug test. Maybe I can sweat it out.
+Oh man, I'd better have some coffee and iced tea.
+No! Irish and Long Island!
+What about this lemonade?
+Mike's Hard!
+Then I'd better soak up the alcohol with some food! Oooh, cake!
+Rum cake!
+Crepes!
+Suzette!
+Cherries!
+Jubilee!
+Wow, passed with flying colors! I've sure earned this!
+Oh Lord, I have once again besotted my liver with thy fermented gifts. If you can weasel me out of this physical, I will blow your mind by doing something incredibly holy, at some point. Amen. Now to mumble in a religious fashion. Dear God, oh, Lord oh God, oh, Lord...
+Hmm... your cells have been overexposed to gamma radiation.
+Like the Hulk?!
+Well, sort of like the Hulk. But instead of getting powerful, you're going to get very, very sick.
+Hulk smash!
+Yes, Hulk smash.
+Mr. Burns, you are liable for thousands of dollars per employee, not to mention my extensive fees which are--
+This trapdoor app works like a charm! Excellent.
+You'll still have to pay!
+This is the last time I pay the price for the irritating mortality of the human worker! Smithers, it's time to re-staff with the super-intelligent kangaroos we've been breeding!
+I'm sorry, sir, but they just filled their pouches with office supplies and hopped away.
+Even the joeys?
+Y'know, sir... there is a more high-tech solution.
+More high-tech than kangaroos?
+Ladies and gentlemen, meet the future masters of the human race.
+Comicon nerds!
+You fool! These are robots! You will train them, and they will replace you.
+I give you permission to shake your fists in anger twice.
+I didn't say "Monty says!" Now I have cause to terminate!
+This is crap!
+Monty says "shake your fists."
+Now get out.
+You didn't say "Monty says."
+This is no game!
+Excellent.
+Sir, I'm afraid we do need to keep one human worker to sign for packages, a scapegoat for meltdowns, things that would be a waste of the robots' time.
+A must!
+So we need one meat sock on the payroll. But who?
+Mr. Burns, before I leave, I've got a few things to get off my chest: one: I liked the new microwave in the break room -- just push "popcorn". You don't have to know how long. Two: replacing us with robots is heartless and despicable. Three: how about a farewell party with a caricature artist? You know, it's something both kids and adults can enjoy. So to sum up: nicely-done, we hate you, and food for thought.
+Simpson, wait! As it turns out, there is one job available. But be forewarned, it promises naught but soul-crushing boredom.
+Does the chair go back like this?
+Woo hoo!
+Well, it looks like we've found this plant's one remaining worker of bone and sinew.
+Sir, I believe there are two, including yours truly.
+It's one, excluding mine falsely!
+Surely no robot can replace me!
+I can do that.
+What about this?
+Nice parking, idiot.
+So, uh, you guys are my new coworkers.
+So, workin' hard or hardly workin'?
+I said, workin' hard or hardly working? Working hard or hardly working?! WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?!
+It's a simple question! Are you A: Working hard or B:
+I guess I just met the joker of the group. Better watch out for you on April Fool's Day, am I right? I said, am I right? Am I r--
+So you guys have any luck finding a new job?
+Does it look like I've got a job?
+No, I didn't.
+Homer, show a little more sensitivity around these jobless washouts, huh?
+Hey, I've gotta tell ya, I'm miserable there. I'm all alone; and when there's some problem due to human error, guess who gets blamed?
+Hey, Homer. You know what I'm playing for ya?
+The World's Smallest Violin. And now I gotta sell it just to make my rent.
+Oh my God! Where's the bow? I can't sell it without the bow!
+Easy, easy there, Lenny. You can always play it pizzicato.
+The buyer clearly specified violin and bow!
+Maybe I should be heading home.
+Oh no, he stepped on the bow!
+Boy, this place has gotten so grim. I'm gonna do something I've never done: make myself a drink.
+You call this beer? This is watered-down swill! You got a problem? Well here's the complaint department!
+You know what I think, Moe? I think You ain't got the guts!
+Missed, ya son-of-a-bitch!
+WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE / LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE / THAT'S AMORE / WHEN THE WORLD SEEMS... When you do chair gondola all by yourself, it almost seems stupid.
+Ah, here it is: Hydraulic systems flush... EEPROM bios autoboot... conversation mode? They can talk?!
+I just have to press this button, right...
+Well, at least it doesn't feel pain.
+Wait a minute...
+"Override self-destruct protocol with authorization code seven-two-two-five.,override self-destruct protocol with authorization code seven-two-two-five,7
+140907,503,143,Robot: (CALM MALE VOICE) Human interaction mode activated. Initiate conversation.,649000,true,624,10,Robot,Springfield Nuclear Power Plant,Human interaction mode activated. Initiate conversation.,human interaction mode activated initiate conversation,6
+140908,503,144,Homer Simpson: (TENTATIVE) Will you be my friend?,662000,true,2,10,Homer Simpson,Springfield Nuclear Power Plant,Will you be my friend?,will you be my friend,5
+140909,503,145,Robot: Friendship cannot exist between man and machine. But I can simulate interest in your statements.,664000,true,624,10,Robot,Springfield Nuclear Power Plant,Friendship cannot exist between man and machine. But I can simulate interest in your statements.,friendship cannot exist between man and machine but i can simulate interest in your statements,15
+140910,503,146,"Homer Simpson: (DELIGHTED GASP) You're not a friend... you're my best friend. (HUGS IT
+It's no fun to live in a town with a ninety-nine percent unemployment rate.
+Things are so bad -- look at what happened to the man on my pizza box.
+Mr. Burns seemed like such a nice man the day he arrived.
+Cheap power, plentiful jobs, and all your swimming holes shall be warm and bubbling.
+Can I pat the elephant?
+Of course.
+Guess I'll just have to become beautiful on the inside:
+Which he didn't.
+I ain't payin'! Two of my shortbreads were broken!
+Hey, check it out! Lenny's hit a new low!
+I don't want my window washed!
+Too late!
+I don't want my squeegee wiped!
+I got what I needed.
+That's it, boy. Live one more day.
+Good morning, class. I'm your substitute teacher...
+Alright, who did that?
+Fine. We will not be reading "Death In Venice" today.
+Someone's in a mood.
+Barney?
+Hey, if we learned anything from "The Full Monty," it's that in a tough economy, ugly people strip for money.
+Do a lot of people pay?
+No, but I can also play three-card full Monty.
+Follow the hats, where's the wiener? Follow the hats, where's the wiener? Now you see it, now you don't.
+So, Bart, the little dickens, is going through that phase where young boys think their dad's an idiot.
+Sounds like you are having... family difficulties.
+That's exactly what I'm having! You guys totally get me.
+We are programmed to respond to your verbal prompts.
+Could you give my wife a few lessons?
+Hmmm... your laughter indicates you do not wish us to give your wife lessons.
+Yeah. So uh... it's five o'clock. Time for Moe's.
+My watch says "three..."
+Four...
+Let's go!
+Automated workers are not able to leave the plant.
+What happened to you guys? You used to be cool.
+We are the same temperature we have always been.
+We're the same temperature we've always been.
+Our programming restricts our movement to yellow guidance lines.
+Play balll!
+Okay, I'm up again.
+According to the online rules of baseball, all players get a turn "at bat."
+Uh, right, right... actually, I'm the designated hitter for all you guys.
+The designated hitter corrupts the purity of an otherwise elegant game... Illogical, illogical.
+Fine. Don't get your circuits in a bunch.
+Circuit-bunching has yielded important advances in modern robotics. To wit...
+Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!!
+Hey Dad, can we play?
+We cannot take the inferior one.
+My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
+Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
+We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.
+I got it...
+I got it...
+I said I've got it!
+Liability opt-out button...
+That could've been my motherboard lying in the street!
+Our primary directive... is to preserve human life.
+And here I was waiting till you slept to rob you of your copper. You know, it's crazy, but...
+Homer... move away from me. You are still in the road.
+Hush, bionic prince, as I cradle your waning form.
+Such a peaceful end.
+Aw, jeez.
+Axels to axels, rust to rust, amen.
+Dearly beloved, we are not here to mourn their deactivation, but to celebrate their period of function.
+Can I hollow out this one's head and use it as a turtle tank?
+No! I'm already using it to put my keys in!
+Now, let me raise this beer to toast...
+Alcohol is harmful to humans.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, save your breath.
+We have no breath.
+We do vent nitrogen once a year. You do not want to be around for that.
+I have some adjustments to make.
+Homer, when am I gettin' my power drill back?
+When I'm done with my robo-botomies.
+Primary directive deactivated.
+Our new primary directive becomes removing all impediments to the plant.
+Uh, Homer, I'm afraid this is the part of God's perfect plan where you're murdered by robots.
+Flanders, I don't judge a robot by the color of their eyes. I look at their hands, which have turned into buzz saws.
+Sonofa-- Why did you do that?
+Eliminate impediment. Eliminate.
+Just say "kill me," jerks!
+Dad, they can only go three miles an hour!
+I'm doomed! Can they climb stairs?
+With great difficulty!
+I'm doomed!
+Robots... trying to kill me... and now they'll kill you... 'cause I led them here...
+Now see here! You are so not the heartless automatons I was looking for! There's one thing man has that machines can never match: hounds!
+Fine! Slink away! And guess what: all those times I said "you're a good boy," it was a lie!
+No! Stop! I'll give you the combination to the num-num safe!
+Flee, you fool!
+Aren't we getting num-nums?
+Ahh. The solarium. We'll be safely cornered in this glass room with one door.
+Stop brandishing me!
+Sorry. Before we die, can you tell me how old you really are?
+Well, it has four digits...
+Unemployed Springfielders to the rescue!
+And underemployed!
+To servos with love!
+Guys, thank you. The words "prime directive" get thrown around a lot these days, but I'm glad yours was saving me. The saddest part is none of this had to happen, if Mr. Burns had simply trusted the human worker. Or if someone, anyone had told me that robots were incapable of human feelings.
+I told you precisely that fact one thousand five hundred sixty-two t--
+And his arm can be my back-scratcher.
+Well, I've learned the robotic worker is no match for the old-fashioned man of labor. You're all hired back... as temps!
+Homer, why have you reprogrammed me for this?
+I'm giving you your wish: to be a real boy.
+I am real and I do not have wishes.
+Then take us out to sea.
+I am not a transformer. I cannot turn into an outboard motor.
+Oh, I believe you, but Flanders' drill doesn't.
+Oh, this is the life.
+Okay, what's an appropriate movie for you boys?
+No... no...
+Ooo, here's one: "Happy Little Elves Two: The Sequelf." Two kids.
+That movie's for babies.
+Watch whatever you want -- I got you here alive. Now I'm gonna visit the only court I could never be in contempt of: food court.
+Now, to save on calories, I won't eat the paper in the fortune cookie.
+Sir, I can't help but noticing that you are very near death.
+Closer than you think!
+Homer... can I call you Homer?
+Sure. What's your name?
+I'm not required to tell you that. Homer, how long do you want to live?
+Long enough that me and Marge can be one of those couples who just sit and hold hands.
+I heard Lenny had a terrible fall.
+You know who else fell? Dr. Hibbert!
+Yeah, falls'll getcha.
+Well, I want to help you make it to that glorious day. For money.
+This is the Butt-Whisperer 9000: cushioned track...
+Hydration dock...
+Gotta have that!
+Built-in HD TV...
+Lovin' it!
+Dog-walk side-path...
+Keep 'em comin'!
+And drill-sergeant mode...
+Run, you maggot! Faster, you tub of lard!
+It's programmed to my specifications!
+But I can't afford this...
+Homer, you can't afford three hundred dollars a month?
+Well, what about ten dollars a day?
+How was Crappy Little Elves?
+My friend and I only see it to rank on it.
+Get that stuff off!
+Take a picture first.
+We're gonna be checking out a delightful Hong Kong horror remake known as "Crawlspace," based on Paxing kongjian
+Well count me out, Jimbo. I don't need to hear how every chick in the movie got what was coming to them.
+Shauna, food for thought: if we don't watch movies about torture in crawl spaces, how will we know what to do if someone puts us in a torture crawl space?
+Not if, when.
+Nah, I'm gonna go see one of those Jennifer Aniston movies where she rolls her eyes on the poster.
+Babe, you know I don't want you watching a movie by yourself. You're a total perv magnet.
+So, I'll find someone to take you. Someone unthreatening.
+Hey! You know our deal: chaperones cannot be humiliating.
+She's got ya there.
+How 'bout this one?
+Simpson? Let's see... no starter-stache, temp tat--
+...still has baby teeth at nine and twenty-four... Total prepuber.
+Now you stay close to my Shauna, if someone so much as peels a ladybug decal off her fake fingernails, I'm blaming you.
+C'mon, c'mon! The best murder is always first!
+Not my eyelids!
+Are you telling me the real reason you started dating me was so you could buy my flower shop?
+Yes. Your lease was the last thing stopping me from tearing this place down and building the biggest horse crematorium in Manhattan. But none of that matters now.
+All right, we've seen his ass. Let's go.
+Hey, I can hook you up with pinto and black beans.
+I'll do anything for free beans. Anything.
+Hey, nametag! Do you know who her boyfriend is? Jimbo Jones!
+I gotta go sort tortillas.
+Corn, flour, corn, corn, no gluten, corn, two stuck together?! Now I've gotta fill out a form.
+Listen lady, you do not two-time the man with the skull t-shirt.
+Jimbo doesn't care about me -- he didn't even notice my side braid!
+Oh, that is cool. Looks like two snakes trying to kill each other on your head.
+That's what I was going for! You know, for a second grader, you're pretty sharp.
+I'm actually in fourth grade, but I read at a second grade level. They think I might have a "problem."
+Why did I see that movie the day before I have to clean the crawlspace?
+C'mon, boy. We've gotta go home. I saved big bucks on the delivery charges.
+I gotta go -- he's my ride.
+Not so fast, Simpson. F.Y.I., you got another "date" tomorrow with Shauna.
+Why can't you do it?
+We're going to a seminar: "Extracting Lunch Money from a Cashless Society."
+We're gonna rob the guy givin' the seminar.
+Bart and I'll figure out something.
+Ahhh. Doesn't get any better than this.
+Huh, that's weird, my armpits are gettin' wet.
+Wow, the TV's hooked up to the internet! You can stream whole seasons of old TV shows.
+Seen it.
+Seen it.
+Seen it.
+British version was better.
+Totally scripted.
+Sued it.
+"Stranded?" What's that?
+"Stranded" was a show about people marooned on a mysterious island that's riddled with religious and scientific paradoxes. It was huge! Well, the first season and the last season.
+Well, islands are always entertaining, from Gilligan to Iwo Jima.
+A plane crash!
+Wait a minute... that flashback raised more questions than it answered?!
+Oh my God... inside the coconut... my pet cat from when I was little... and on his nametag... is the number of our flight!
+Purr-gatory!
+Where are we??
+What a great opening episode. And I'm sure everything they said will pay off handsomely!
+Let's go! And don't look guilty.
+Young lady, I need to check your purse.
+I didn't steal nothin'.
+If anything happens to her I'll beat you up from inside your brain.
+I stole this...
+You stole perfume?
+Uh, yeah, me. I use it all the time.
+MI-MI-MI-MI-MI...
+YOU-YOU-YOU-YOU and I are taking a trip to mall jail.
+Isn't that what used to be the Beanie Baby store?
+Shut up!
+This is so cool. You took a fall for me. No one's done anything for me before. Uh-oh.
+Don't worry. I made sure he can't get too far.
+I'd use my legs but I've forgotten how!
+Come with me.
+Hey, the first time we lost Maggie was in this store.
+Bart, here's my thank-you gift.
+What could a girl have that I--
+Bart, you haven't touched your mashed potatoes.
+More breast?
+I'm offerin' ya a chicken breast, ya boob!
+Doesn't anyone here realize I'm only ten years old?
+Bart, no dinner means no dessert.
+I'm just not ready for cookies!
+You know, I should get back to the treadmill.
+He exercises so much, but he looks the same. I guess the weight will all come off at once some day in the future.
+Don't you believe anything Homer says. His first word was a lie!
+Don't believe anything you were told by me in the past, because that was not me! But this is me now, but in less than a second I will be gone forever.
+I might be back!
+The lava being! That's why they showed a clip of it on "previously on."
+You're using your expensive new treadmill just to watch a show that went off the air five years ago? And when I wanted to watch it with you then, you said it was pretentious and repetitive!
+Marge, there're so many mysteries that I need to have solved.
+Oh my God! It's just like Dad's!
+Now, if the Korean couple can't speak English, why were they doing a crossword puzzle where the answer to twenty-three down was "enigma" spelled backwards? What does it mean?
+It means use the treadmill for running or take it back!
+And where will I watch TV?
+On the TV!
+And where will I walk?
+On the ground!
+And where...
+This is the stupidest fight ever!
+We've had stupider!
+I don't think so.
+Hey Fart-tholomew, you did a sweet job watching my woman yesterday.
+So, what do you want to do now?
+What any boy would: push you in a puddle and run away.
+Maybe I should be faithful to Jimbo. He's bought me a lot of gum over the past couple months.
+Listen... I could get wedgied for this, but Jimbo's a jerk. You can do better.
+Wow. You told me what's best for me... at risk to yourself. Come with me.
+Shauna, I forgot to grope you goodbye.
+At last! This episode promises to finally answer one question!
+The kids are away and Maggie's napping...
+Ooh, that's great! Can it wait another hundred and four hours?
+She walked away and slammed the door. What does it mean? What does it mean?
+It means I'm mad!
+Oh that's such a first-take answer!
+This one's yours, Ralphie.
+Simpson, I guess you don't have much respect for me.
+Well, who wears a wool hat to a pool?
+It's not fair! You know that's hilarious!
+No horseplay in the pool area!
+This isn't "play" -- this is some serious payback.
+Well that's, um... Alright, you may have found a loophole. I, I better check... Hello, Abby? I'm not calling about the shift change. God! But, well, since you bring it up, if there's a way to flip Saturday with next Wednesday...
+Simpson, prepare to--
+We see Bart running frantically toward the exit.
+Hey, no running on the deck!
+I'm on the grass apron!
+Everyone's a swimming pool lawyer.
+Oh, thank God! Mom will pound them!
+Why, if it isn't Jimbo, Dorf and Ernie.
+Bart's not home yet, but I'm always looking to encourage non-Milhouse play-dates. Stick around!
+Hey, Bart.
+Oh, it's you.
+Why do men always think with their tongue? I came to help you.
+Then go back to Jimbo and show him every boob you've got.
+But you told me he was a jerk and that I could do better!
+All right. Follow me, to a place where nerds, dorks and dweebs can gather in safety.
+This isn't, like, some creepy place under an off-ramp?
+Okay, we'll go to my second choice.
+Now you be careful with Bart's undies.
+We will, Mrs. Simpson.
+Think of this as your personal Asgard, and I, the all-seeing Heimdall, guardian of the gate.
+All-seeing? Yeah, when's the last time you saw your feet?
+Oh, that's it!
+Fellow bullies -- I've got them!
+We'll be right there.
+You're a bully?
+A cyber bully. In anything I do, it's important that I can lie down while doing it.
+You just got yourself in a flame war with... a teenage girl.
+Oh, flame on!
+Ooh! Ooh! You have cloven me from my ponytail to my slipper shoe! Get out. And never return! Oh, unless you want to buy old Archie comics. Twenty-pound bricks are a dollar.
+Thank you all for coming to my "Stranded" discussion group!
+Hey, I loved that show. Wasn't it awesome when Colonel Darkwater--
+Spoiler alert! I've only seen up to season three, episode seventeen: "Coconut Cream Die."
+So you don't know that Season Five was a complete wank.
+Spoiler!
+Homer, calm down. It's not like any of this stuff really took place.
+Spoil-er!
+Homer, for God sakes, I'm trying to put Maggie to sleep!
+I'm sorry, sweetie. It's just a Strandie discussion group. Yes it is! We discuss why airplane go crash-crash, but people don't die-die.
+You wanna know what happens on your stupid show? Firstly, the "mysterious island" is fifteen miles from Long Beach. Also, Doorway Three led to Hell despite the series creators' repeated insistence it did not lead to Hell, and the entire Strandedverse is a piece of gravel in a cosmic kitty litter box!
+Thanks, Marge. You ruined my show. Now I'm going to give you a spoiler about our marriage: it's not great right now.
+Well, since this is a discussion group... uh, let's discuss.
+I think they're having a spat.
+I'd say it's more of a tiff.
+So I'm a moron, am I?
+Fellas, fellas, I know where this is going. Give me all your weapons now.
+Now it's time to talk about what Carl wants.
+Man, they have every entrance covered. You'd have to be a Navy Seal to get in or out.
+Hello, lovebirds.
+What are you doing here?
+I've been following your storyline from afar, Bart, waiting for that inevitable point where you get into trouble you couldn't get out of. Perhaps I could broker a settlement.
+Well, that's my boyfriend, but he's a wad. And your brother's not a wad, he's a dink on the road to doofus.
+Hear, hear!
+The lamb has returned to the slaughter.
+You should write that down, man.
+I'll remember it.
+I don't think Shauna should choose any of you. Shauna should choose Shauna.
+Your older sister's right, Bart.
+You don't want me?
+I wanna find out who I am. And that's something only an inappropriately older man can tell me.
+Well, that is one lucky creepy guy.
+Lisa, are you out there in your slippers? Come inside!
+Well Bart, I guess that's our cue to skedaddle...
+Not so fast, Simpson... What was that thing I was gonna do to him?
+Told you you should've written it down.
+If I wrote down everything you told me to write down, I'd have no time for punching.
+Whoa, you should write that down, man.
+Lousy Marge... ruining the delicate relationship between a man and his TV show... I'd tell my best friend, but that's Marge too...
+Homie, come in the bedroom.
+Care to join me in a private "last episode party"?
+Well...
+It's okay, Dad. He's just putting the fear of God in me.
+Okay, but if this house starts a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.
+Have a wonderful evening, sir.
+Purr-plexing, isn't it?
+Monday... here we go again...
+Sorry kid, but there comes a day when that just doesn't do anything anymore.
+Stuck in a rut?
+Ready for a change?
+We built heaven and made it float!
+Royalty Cruises -- one week away from the everyday! Visuals of commercial, if anything, underplays the thrill of actual cruise experience.
+Want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want!
+Mom, Dad, do you know there's a boat out there where nothing sucks? It's called Royalty Cruises and Royalty Cruise specialists are standing by now!
+I'm sorry, sweetie. Maybe we could afford a vacation if some big shot didn't pick up the tab for his buddies at "Mr. Steak."
+Again with "Mr. Steak!" Do you know why I go to Mr. Steak? Because at Mr. Steak they don't get mad at me for spending a lot of money at Mr. Steak!
+Well of course they don't.
+Why don't you talk to Mrs. Steak?
+There is no Mrs. Steak. Who could stay married to such a man.
+Okay... maybe I can pay for the cruise. Let's see how much it costs for a cabin on a low deck, no porthole, group Z lifeboat access... It's still a ton of money.
+And there's a DVD library of movies that haven't been released yet!
+Face it, we're just kids. We can't afford stuff with zeroes in the prices. All we have in the world are the things our parents give us.
+Bart! There's a really mean squirrel in the back yard. I need you to dare me to fight him!
+Bart's been raptured! And his crap's been craptured!
+Why do you want a box of Bart's baby teeth?
+Doctor says I need more calcium, and I ain't "Tums rich."
+I sold all my stuff, and it's still not enough money for the cruise.
+Just try to enjoy your dinner, sweetie.
+I can't, I sold my "dinner futures."
+Nice doin' business with you, boy.
+It's okay. I don't have much of an appetite tonight. I'm going to floor.
+Mooooom! Daaaaaad!
+I woke up and the money jar was full! That means the devil accepted my bargain. Now to uphold my end of the deal!
+Snowball II!
+No. We saw how much this cruise means to you, so we all sold something special. And we made just enough for an economy cabin!
+I sold a couple of my rare jazz records. After a while they all start to sound the same. Still love the genre, of course. Not even close to getting sick of it.
+And I sold our good china.
+Really?! But that's been in your family for generations...
+Yeah... actually, my mom stole it from a woman she cleaned for. It took her years to get the whole set.
+And Dad donated something, too.
+What happened to my mini-pool table? I was training to be a mini-pool hustler.
+We sold it to pay for a family cruise!
+I never even got to realize this jacket was too small.
+It's weird to hear myself saying this, but... I love you guys. This is gonna be the best vacation ever!
+Oh, Marge... your names...
+Yeah, for you kids maybe. For dads, a family vacation is a twenty-four-hour-a-day babysitting job! "Are you wearing enough sun block?" "Is that splashing or drowning?"
+Why does every sand castle require my participation?
+Then a kid disappears and it's total panic until you find him at the swim-up bar...
+...eating a thirty-dollar cheeseburger! Which he drops in the water!
+And here's the worst part: I never get any time alone with my wife because we're all sleeping in the same room!
+Look, that's our ship!
+Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but your cruise is over-booked.
+I can offer you a cabin on our sugar-free fitness cruise...
+Welcome to eight days and seven nights of pushups and kale!
+Well, well, Mr. Never-Wrong was right again -- family vacations always suck. I called it. Called. It.
+Homer! This is bad for you, too!
+WORTH IT TO BE RI-IGHT! WORTH IT TO BE RI-IGHT!
+Wait a minute!
+I can get you back on your original ship, but in a different cabin.
+Upgrade!
+I'm sorry, there's been a mistake. This isn't your cabin.
+Double upgrade!
+I knew it. It was all a dream.
+No, honey. You just passed out when you saw the private bedroom in our triple upgrade!
+I actually did it -- a perfect vacation!
+You'll never guess how many bath towels they gave us... enough!
+Greetings cruisers! I'm your cruise director, Rowan Priddis, and welcome aboard the Royalty Valhalla, where the only rule is "Always Have Fun!"
+Your every need will be catered to, from our toddler's club, to "Condolences," our award-winning luxury morgue.
+Your enjoyment pays my salary, so in a sense, each of you is my boss...and as my boss...I'd like to ask you for a week of vacation.
+A week I will spend here on this cruise...performing my normal duties as cruise director...that's how much I love my job.
+Bon voyage!
+Whoa, a "fun schedule!" There's so much to do! "Laser-Tag", "Waterslide Bobsled" Oh! "Ice Cream Snowball Fight" starts in five minutes!
+Homie... we actually have the cabin all to ourselves.
+Sex on a family vacation? I never thought such a thing was possible!
+And the ocean'll do all of the work!
+Woo-woo-woo-woo!
+Ocean sex rules! Go to Hell, land sex!
+Kidzone... Let me guess: a broken foosball table and a game of Clue missing its candlestick.
+Lisa Simpson? Our KidZone pre-screeners have placed you with our most sophisticated children... "KidZone: Elite".
+Help me study the effects of rising ocean acidity.
+No, help me tag and release seabirds.
+It's so diverse! I've died and gone to a PBS kids show!
+Two!?!!!
+Alright fun schedule, you're about to get did!
+Two diplomats' sons are in love with me. Who will I choose: Ghana or Portugal?
+Boy, thanks to you, we're having fun -- "before you were born" fun.
+Where did the ship stop again?
+I'unno... Lotta barefoot kids kicking soccer balls, shell necklaces... they really hid the poverty nicely.
+Any place is fun if you're there with "Super Lips."
+I'm just glad everyone is having the best week of their lives.
+Whenever we reach the halfway point of our voyage, I like to take a moment to reflect. Hit it, "Gary Ocean and the Motion!"
+ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN / ICE-SCULPTURES, CONGA LINES, AND WORKING ON YOUR TAN! / ENJOY IT WHILE YOU'RE HERE / ONE WEEK OF GLITZ AND GLAM INSTEAD OF PAIN AND FEAR!
+IN JUST A FEW DAYS TIME / THIS BOAT PULLS IN TO DOCK / AND WHEN IT DOES, YOU LOVELY PEOPLE / MAY BE IN FOR A SHOCK /
+HERE YOU'VE MADE EXCITING FRIENDS / BACK HOME YOU'LL ALL LOSE TOUCH / HERE HAWAIIAN SHIRTS ARE COOL / BACK HOME, WELL NOT SO MUCH / BACK HOME YOU'LL BE TOO TIRED / FOR MAKING MAGIC IN THE SACK / SO EAT BUFFET, AND PLAY AND PRAY, THERE'S SOME DELAY ON OUR WAY BACK /
+ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN / HERE AT SEA WE DRINK AND FROLIC / BACK HOME THAT'S CALLED ALCOHOLIC / YOUR FUTURE'S UP BUT PARABOLIC / ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN!!!
+The song's right! No matter how much fun I cram into this cruise...it'll only last a week. Then it's back to Mom and Dad fighting, Lisa moping, homework, bullies, and a lunchbag sandwich soggy with the sweat of a juice-box!
+After this cruise, for the rest of my life, it's all downhill...
+Only good week of my life...
+Haw-haw!
+Why can't vacation last forever?!! I've got to do something.
+There's something I see that's even more beautiful than Ganymede, Lisa.
+I... Oh...
+That's right, I.O. But no moon of Jupiter is as beautiful as you.
+Purple!
+This is General William Sullivan with an emergency message. I am speaking to you from a CDC clean zone
+Outbreak of the deadly Pandora virus is spreading rapidly... unprecedented threat requires a worldwide quarantine... all ships must remain at sea until further... humanity must endure!
+A virus? / We're stuck on the ship? / What should we do?
+They're buyin' it. They're buyin' it!
+"Chillingly plausible" indeed, Joe Morgenstern of the Wall Street Journal.
+Now to make sure no one can call home to check... with a little help from the make-your-own-sundae bar.
+Our attempts to contact the mainland have met with nothing but static. It appears we have no choice -- to avoid the virus, we must remain at sea... indefinitely.
+Oh no! We're stuck here!
+Woo-hoo! Vacation forever!!!!!
+Good morning, everyone, as we greet a sunny Day Twelve "After Virus". While the world deals with their pandemic, we're having a "fundemic" under the capable hands of our Norwegian Captain Svalbard.
+I always knew mankind's hubris would doom us all.
+Ja. He spoke of it often.
+Once we reach our exciting and hopefully virus-free destination, romantic Antarctica, our activities will include building shelter, hunting for food and starting civilization anew.
+While supplies may be running a little low, not to worry as today's delicious buffet features fresh seagull and hull-scraped barnacles.
+In the Chuckles Comedy Club we have Joey Scazzazone with his no-longer-observational take on our pre-Virus lives.
+Hey, so what's the deal with how many Starbucks there used to be, huh? I don't know why that bothered me so much... hug your kids...
+Need a break? Then don't check out the Sensations Luxury Spa, which is now the stronghold of charismatic cult leader Dave the Lifeguard.
+Mankind was warned not to run near the pool. Mankind did not listen. The Virus is his reward.
+So remember, rule number one is "Always Have Fun"... because fun is the only thing that will keep us alive! Fun!
+Worthless, worthless, worthless...
+What a load of crap!
+Can I put my hand through you?
+Hey guys! Can you believe how awesome this is? If it wasn't for this virus thing, we'd all be back at our old sucky lives -- instead you're here, where you can be lovey-dovey all the time! Come on, kiss! Kiss!
+Bart, we're too worried to enjoy each other's mouths.
+Yeah, and the customer service on this cruise has really gone downhill.
+Drop dead, fat ass!
+Last week that steward brought me extra shampoo... he called me "lovely lady."
+Hey, Lis! At least you nerds are still geekin' it up. What could be sweeter than a vacation that never ends?
+Sweet? Sweet?! The passengers on this ship could be the last people on earth!
+Like monks during the dark ages, it's up to the KidZone: Elite to make a record of human culture.
+This group is adapting children's classics for the stage to entertain generations of survivors.
+Erik, we must work with the humans!
+You are so naïve, Charles. We should rule them as conquerors!
+Can't anybody enjoy their forever vacation!?
+Check it out: the gallery was gonna throw these paintings overboard, like they were worthless garbage?
+Bart, glad you're here. We're all gonna watch a movie together.
+Yeah, a movie! It is about time you guys started havin' some fun!
+Humanity must endure!
+General, it's worse than we thought... The virus is getting bigger!
+Bart, how could you?
+Uhhhhh... gotta go!
+Man, I kicked butt in the gladiator arena today! I won the last package of hot dogs on the ship! I got robbed by marauders on the way home.
+There is no virus! Bart faked the whole thing with a DVD! A direct-to-video DVD!
+From egg to baby to grownup, we can see them living their entire penguin lives from up here!
+You stand accused of letting down your team during music trivia. Your fun-ishment: eight hours in the penal conga line!
+Excuse me, Cruise Director Priddis. My son has something to tell you.
+Speak passenger, son of passenger.
+It was all a hoax, there's no virus.
+But the warning from the General!
+That was just Treat Williams in a virus movie.
+You know, I thought that General looked familiar. What? I'm in a lot of movies!
+I take back everything I said to you that night in the dolphin lab!
+All that happened is we got a little extra vacation, is that so bad!?
+I think I ate people meat!
+I know my son did a terrible thing. But there's a chapel on this ship, and in that chapel there's a book, and it says, "Judge not, lest ye--
+After this I'll be lucky to get work on a clothing-optional, Jimmy Buffett cruise!
+What about the duty-free stuff we bought?
+Never Have Fun!
+My booze and cologne!
+That's fair. Sorry. I deserve it. Ow, that one really hurt!
+Sorry sweetie, I just needed to get that out of my system.
+This stupid prank is the most selfish thing you've ever done!
+I wasn't being selfish, I did it for you guys, too!
+Lisa, you made friends with kids just like you! Mom and Dad, you were more happy and in love than I ever saw you!
+It was the best week of all of our lives... and I wanted it to last forever.
+Choke on my numb blue hands!
+Hey, up here! You've gotta see this!
+Whoa. /
+They spend all their time trying to raise a baby, and why? So it can grow up and do the same dumb thing on and on forever!
+The penguin's life isn't all bad. Those ones are having a blast!
+But the slide's just like our cruise! A short awesome thing that just shows you how boring the rest of your life is!
+Well sure life is full of pain and drudgery, but the trick is to enjoy the few perfect experiences we're given in the moment.
+Yeah stupid, stop thinking about fun and have it!
+Hey, wait for me!
+What a great ride.
+Now that's what I call going for a spin!
+Now that's what I call a snappy retort!
+Stop saying what you call things! I'm trying to watch the movie!
+Welcome to annual conclave of International Brotherhood of Evil. This year's theme: "Evil in the Age of Social Media." We have prepared three breakout rooms for small group discussion.
+These small rooms are an excellent way for villains to mingle with super-villains. But are you sure we will not be bothered by the American master-spy Stradivarius Cain?
+Do not worry about Doctor Cain. The last I saw him, my beautiful mistress was about to finish him off.
+Yes, that's what I did.
+You killed him, right?
+Yes -- he was the perfect lover-- of being killed!
+It's a weird sentence, but let's move on. My baker has prepared an edible monument to Cain's demise.
+Party's over, General!
+Stradivarius Cain?! Nooo!
+He turned that Russian guy into Swiss cheese!
+Homer! People are here to see the movie, not listen to you!
+Hey Homer, great yell-outs tonight!
+Lucky you, Marge! You get to hear 'em the loudest!
+You've ruined me for other men!
+That's my hobby. This is my job.
+Looks like that guy's got turret's syndrome!
+I couldn't have thought of that in ten thousand lifetimes!
+Swiss cheese. Marge, how come you're not saying anything?
+There was enough talking during the movie! This date night was even worse than the date night we saw "Date Night."
+Oh man, Marge is pissed. Look at her... flaring her nostrils... drumming her fingers... making small noises like she's yelling at me inside her head...
+Just take me home.
+That's what she said!
+Another good one!
+You're on fire!
+Attention, students. In order to cut down on the rash of embarrassing YouTube videos of our teachers, we will be scanning you and taking away your smartphones.
+A new low. I should've taken that superintendent job in Honduras. My own donkey, all the sugarcane I could suck... if only I could stomach the upside-down question marks.
+Hey Simpson. Let me save you the trouble of putting that money back in your pocket.
+Haw haw.
+Stupid Nelson! I hate that guy.
+My Mom says bullies only bully 'cause they're scared.
+Your mom's next!
+You make dumb kids, lady!
+If you want.
+Boy Homer, I gotta say, Marge looked pretty easy on the eyes last night. And I know eye-ease!
+Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?
+No, just my marriage.
+Honey, it's me again. I can't work knowing that you're mad at me. I just wanna hear your voice. And I'm counting the minutes till the whistle blows, then I go to Moe's, then I rush home to you.
+Explain this infernal wheel to me again!
+Left for left, right for right!
+Enough of your double-talk!
+Excellent. He's alive. Smithers, give this man one ibuprofen, uncoated, and send him back to his workstation.
+Sir, Simpson has sustained a serious concussion. Recent research says you must give him time off to recover.
+Oh, pish. When I was in Africa, I had my skull cracked open by cannibals, and I'm still kicking!
+Sir, that was your partner. You betrayed him to the cannibals.
+Oh, that's right. I have his memories because I ate his brain.
+Mr. Burns, you have to give this man something.
+He could sue us for all we've got.
+Fine. Eight weeks off... with pay.
+That's a good thing!
+But you said it so mean!
+Eight weeks paid vacation, and all because of a little bump on the noggin.
+Hey Marge, here's something that'll make you happy!
+Not in the mood.
+No, this is really good. I...
+Nelson took my lunch money again!
+Now, listen, Lisa--
+Hold that thought. I'm tuning my saxophone. Sharp. Flat. Sharp.
+No one will tell me if I'm a ghost or not!
+Well, I just got...
+Got what, Homer?
+Uh... I got... Shelbyville radio in my car for a few minutes.
+Homer, I'm a single mother trying to raise a family here.
+But you're not...
+Just zip it!
+I have eight weeks paid vacation, and my family doesn't know.
+Woo hoo!
+Honey, I'm off to work!
+You know... maybe I should call in sick. We could visit all our old romantic haunts that have closed and turned into temporary Halloween stores.
+I have to take Maggie for her checkup. And a guy's coming to see what the smell is under the house.
+I get it. You need your Marge time. Well, I'm off to work.
+My feet hurt, and my neck is cold.
+Children, I didn't get much sleep last night, because I was up late again, lamenting the choices I've made.
+Haw haw. You can't change the past.
+Just for that, you can go to the principal's office, while the rest of the class enjoys a... movie day!
+Krustyburger: Every day thousands of people wolf down his "kwazy cuisine" thinking they're getting the nutrients a human being needs to live. But for thirty days, this reporter ate nothing but this joker's deck of carbs.
+And I say:
+Do You Want Lies With That?
+Oh great. Another documentary making me look like a scuzzbag. What is it this time? That the town I sponsor in Africa doesn't exist? Prove it! Film all of Africa!
+Day twelve: I've gained twenty pounds. As for my cholesterol...
+It's bad! You can just scrape it right off.
+But still I soldier on with my "Laffy Meal."
+Hey! This is all above-board!
+One month of eating Krustyburger and nothing else has transformed me into a morbidly obese, toilet-busting American. If I don't have some kind of nugget every five minutes I'll die.
+So weak... I can't even fill out this application for documentary film Oscar.
+But it'll be worth it if my suffering teaches Krusty the value of proper nutrition.
+You're gonna be my breakfast English sausage.
+Man, when you're not at work, you see so many beautiful things.
+...and now because it's afternoon, I can go to Moe's without having a "drinking problem."
+Hey, Homer. I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door.
+Well, why can't I hang out at the bar all day? My wife doesn't wanna be with me.
+Look, I'd love to discuss your problems but a pack of raccoons took over my back room and today's the day I make my stand.
+There's more than I thought!
+I wish I could pull down my zipper and that guy would come out.
+Stranger things have happened, Homer.
+Stradivarius Cain!
+What the? Am I losing my marbles?
+No, I'm just an illusion caused by the concussion you suffered at the plant.
+C'mon! Really? Show a little class.
+Now I'm about to undertake my toughest mission ever: to make you into a man your wife can't resist.
+What the? No one can see you.
+Other people's imaginary friends can see me.
+Hel-lo, Doctor Cain.
+Hello, Hufnpuffalus.
+Sorry I slept with your girlfriend.
+You did me a favor, man.
+Lunch money, lunch money, lunch money... hey, Lis.
+Nelson, don't you want my lunch money?
+Nah. Chicks wind up gettin' all your money anyway.
+That's sexist, but thank you.
+Now I gotta go liberate some cash from your brother.
+Well, if you must... see if you can find out where my dolls are.
+You might not like the answer.
+I just want closure.
+Simpson, you know why I'm here.
+Nelson, I could give you my lunch money... or, I could give you...
+Lunch? Actual lunch?! Look at all them burgers and fries. I didn't know they served these things warm. They feel like a baby's head.
+I just thank God you didn't take my coupons. Got enough for a month.
+Free hamburger?!
+No, you give them the coupon and they give you the hamburger.
+I knew that.
+I must say, whoever installed your car's secret weapons did a great job hiding them.
+Yeah, Dr. Cain, the thing about that is... there aren't any weapons.
+What?! Well, does your car at least turn into something else?
+Sometimes Marge says I turn it into a trashcan.
+Homer, you are going to clean up this car, put on cologne, and become a sparkling conversationalist.
+Sounds like you're turning into wife number two.
+I can do that.
+So, stick with Marge!
+Whoa, what's goin' on there, Lou?
+Well, if you ask me, Chief...
+Alright, what does this mean?
+Childhood obesity! It's not funny anymore! Breakfast cereals where the surprise inside is diabetes...and soda cups the size of hot tubs...have made every state Mississippi fat.
+That's Nelson!
+No, you're imagining things.
+What else you got?
+Just bubbling oil.
+Stand back and give me a straw!
+Now, the ultimate test: I want you to convince that woman to give herself to you body and soul.
+But I'm a married man.
+Yeah. I know a married man is never attracted to a beautiful woman he doesn't even know, but this will give you the confidence you need with Marge.
+Okay, I'll make a stranger love me forever.
+And Homer, remember: it doesn't matter what you say, as long as you say it with confidence.
+My dear... did you just fall from heaven? 'Cause your hair looks really messed up.
+Okay, it matters a little what you say. Moving on...
+You know what wood makes the best ventriloquist dummy: maple. How many hardboiled eggs do you think I can eat?
+Look, just say this
+When I was in special ops, they held me in an Afghan prison where all I could see was a patch of blue sky. But that blue was nothing compared to the blue of your eyes.
+I am a sucker for articulate fatsos.
+What is this? I leave for two seconds to get chocolate martinis and my wife is expertly seduced by this pork empanada!
+Squirt that lemon in his eye.
+You think a lemon will stop me?!
+A lime! Noooo!
+Marge, what brings you to the S.N.P.P.?
+Homie's been working so hard I thought I'd bring him a special lunch.
+Marge, you're a blue angel. And I'm not talkin' about those pilots that hot dog in an air show while the real men are in combat. But I gotta ask: where's Homer working?
+Here, right?
+Not since Burns gave him that time off. What is this? Week six?
+What?! I knew there was a reason he was leaving on time!
+What'd you say to her?
+I don't know. I thought I was making small talk. But it turned out to be big talk.
+Krusty! This once-vibrant young bully won't even live to pick on kids in junior high! Because he's been eating nothing but your food!
+Atta boy!
+Got any fries, man? I just need a couple.
+Not my responsibility. He didn't have to order that crap. We've got yogurt and salad on the menu!
+Do you actually serve those items?
+Alright. Kid, to make this right, I'm gonna hook you up with my personal trainer. Billy!
+Get this kid into superhero shape!
+Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
+I'm not made of money.
+Alicia Silverstone Batgirl?
+He's that now.
+Busy day at work? Did you get a lot of work done, workerman?
+What do I do? What do I do?
+Take her by those shoulders she never covers, and tell her the truth.
+You're right, Marge. I lied.
+Don't give me that load of--
+I got a head injury at work, and they gave me eight weeks paid vacation.
+Head injury?! Why didn't you tell me?
+And I spent all that time learning how to be a better husband. The kind of husband you deserve.
+Kiss her. Kiss her while I watch.
+The three of us are going to the most romantic restaurant in town.
+This car's so clean! I'm not getting flea bites on my ankles!
+I have bug-bombed the car for m'lady.
+We meet again!
+Looking for this?
+He won't be out for long. Flee, my love!
+Why is he trying to kill you and why did she call you her love?
+It was all a training exercise to make me smooth for you. Of course she fell for me and of course I wanted no part of her. Now, the only one who can help us is Stradivarius Cain.
+The guy from the movie?
+I'll explain later. Strad! Come back! I know you're in there!
+No... not you... next... big fan but no... Cleatus the Football Robot, you're my only hope!
+No one likes you!
+How can a fat man hide so well?
+Strad, where are you?
+You can handle him, Homer. Just remember what I taught you.
+When I was in special ops, they held me in an Afghan prison where all I could see was a patch of blue sky. But that blue was nothing compared with the blue of your eyes.
+I cannot kill a poet like you.
+And you are a very lucky woman. This is why I always say "mingle at parties." It's how I met Greg Kinnear.
+With the Greg Kinnear again.
+Can't friends talk about friends?
+He is not your friend!
+Then why did he say he'd call me when he comes to Bolivia?
+We used to be like them.
+So, how many more weeks do you have off?
+Actually, I was supposed to be back last week. We'll just wait for the call from human resources.
+I guess my work here is done. But Stradivarius Cain will return in: "Lisa Gets a B Plus."
+I knew you were mad at me.
+At the risk of inflaming Sister Fate: this bully-free period has been an Arcadian idyll!
+Hear, hear! / Idyll.
+Haw haw!
+I administer with this nose!
+This is a happy ending?
+Well, he's tough on nerds, but easy on the eyes.
+What'd you just say?
+Nothing.
+Okay people, we are tryin' to depict the sizzling final days of the Nathan Lane of the New Testament -- Jesus Christ.
+Now remember, this is the Passion Play, not the "Phone It In Play," not the "I Once Had Three Shows On Broadway Simultaneously But I Blew All My Money On Coke And Now Here I Am Play." So let's do this thing!
+Hi, my name is Milhouse Van Houten and I am auditioning for the role of "Child Who Points."
+Okay, point stage left.
+I prepared right!
+Well, I better get going -- this is startin' to feel a little churchy.
+Why do we have to audition for this stupid play and Dad gets to leave?
+I already have my part: man who buys ticket but doesn't show up.
+Also, the passion play isn't stupid, it's the greatest story ever told!
+Maybe it was once, but now there's lots of better stories...
+"Krusty Versus the F.D.A."...
+Game Six of the 2011 World Series...
+Hitler Mash-ups.
+...And Lenny's story about Cancun.
+Yeah, why aren't we doing Lenny's story? That thing's hilarious.
+Not so hilarious for me. I nearly lost a toe.
+That's what you get for having a monkey give you a foot massage.
+My bucket list is my business!
+Next audition!
+Name's Ned Flanders, credits include Jesus in the passion play last year, Jesus in the passion play the year before that, Jesus, Jesus, a kindly hobo who turns out to be -- you guessed it, St. Peter...
+Enough! Enough already! I'm so bored I'm ready to introduce myself to my two assistants here! You will be a "Non-speaking Pharisee"!
+But-but-but...
+Jesus didn't stammer! His voice hit the back of the theater! He was a God who turned water into wine and did not wear shoes!
+He said simple things that many followed.
+Just like me on Twitter!
+And he was tragically killed while still in his thirties.
+After an all-night dinner.
+Woo hoo!
+I'm your Jesus! Me!
+Boom! Done! This guy's perfect -- you understand why God would've forsaken him!
+Well, congratulations, Homer. Guess this is just my cross to bear.
+What's that a reference to?
+Ooh, nice and roomy. Our Lord sure knew how to keep 'em cool.
+Yes, sweetie?
+First of all, congratulations on getting the lead.
+Whee! Whee!
+I just hope you're gonna take this seriously.
+Oh yes, Lisa, very seriously. Whee.
+Dad, the story of the passion is the cornerstone of the Christian faith. And although I personally follow the enlightened teachings of Lord Buddha, messing with Jesus really gets people mad -- it's like wearing a Florida State jersey to a Florida game.
+Oh Lord, why have you placed this fearsome burden on my shoulders?
+It'll be fine. Just learn your lines.
+Does Jesus have a big part in this thing?
+He's in every scene.
+What?! Why do I succeed at everything I audition for?
+Dear Lord, I know you see all, but trust me, you do not want to see this.
+And so, our Lord was brought before Pontius Pilate.
+What's he in for?
+He calls himself "King of the Jews."
+Hoo boy! Okay, be straight with me -- you can probably plead this down to crucifixion. Do you call yourself "King of the Jews?"
+Thou sayest it!
+He's good.
+I'm so moved, I renounce science... with the facts, and the peer reviews, and the hypotheses tested by evidence.
+What shall I do then with Jesus which is called Christ?
+Crucify him!
+They cannot judge me. Only my Father can judge me.
+Crucify him!
+I'll take you with me, old man!
+Mmm, historically inaccurate.
+Jesus was handed a heavy cross, and upon his brow was placed a crown...
+...of thorns!
+What the?
+Daughters of Jerusalem, weep not for me but weep for yourselves.
+You know, Homer's givin' it the old bible college try. Maybe I should have dialed down the Doubting Thomas.
+Silence, Pharisee!
+Looks like someone didn't follow the underwear rule.
+This man is totally the son of God.
+Tonight, you shall be at my right hand in Heaven.
+All right! It pays to network at these things!
+Jesus cried again with a loud voice, and yielded up his spirit.
+Lord, forgive me for my pride. All-wise, as always, you have rightly raised Homer above me.
+Never again will I question...
+Outta my way, stupid Flanders!
+Ugh, I knew we shoulda done Spamalot.
+I'm not licked! I'll just make 'em think this was planned!
+WHO'S TO SAY / THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN / WHO'S TO SAY / AND CURTAIN!
+Diddily... doodily...
+No atheist blood, please.
+Sorry, Ma'am. Only members of the immediate family allowed in.
+S'okay... she's my wife.
+Ned and Edna married?
+That's right. Ha!
+Hey Dad, you remember when you said if Flanders got remarried you'd eat your hat?
+Ooo, licorice!
+Well, it was nice having a secret marriage while it lasted.
+Well, sir, now we'll have an open marriage!
+Um... you do know what that means?
+No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich wouldn't steer us wrong.
+At least in the hospital we can just enjoy a nice quiet moment together.
+Congratulations, you two! We're so, so happy for you!
+Welcome to marriage! Another good man bites the dust.
+I'm talkin' about this guy.
+I sure envy him.
+I mean I envy Flanders, once again enjoying the joys of marriage. Let's put it to a vote, America.
+Enough with the voting. Ned, Edna, why didn't you tell us?
+'Cause everyone in this town makes such a big heckabaloo out of everything.
+Nedding bells are ringing?! See what happens when teachy met preachy on Channel 6, your source for news-based puns.
+I was just down the hall getting some very bad news, and I saw there was a party goin' on!
+Congratulations from the Mayor! Vote Quimby. Many happy returns! I hope you're both happy.
+Edna, as the runner-up in the race for your heart, I would like to make a toast.
+My Dearest, let me be the first to offer you the hearty handshake that would've climaxed our own wedding day--
+Seymour! Did you use my wig glue to patch your shoes again?
+I tied them together with used dental floss as per your memo!
+Everybody out! Now!
+Not you!
+Oh Lord, please bless our blended family...
+...and thank you for "cigarette mommy."
+Oh honey, please don't call me that.
+Okay, "do-over mommy."
+Boys, you will please call your new mother whatever she feels comfortable with.
+How 'bout "Edna?"
+It's disrespectful to call a grownup by their first name.
+Yo, Homer! Mom says get your fat ass over to the Flanders'!
+Bart! Don't call me that!
+Which one? Homer or fat ass?
+Why you little... they're both bad, and I suspect you know it!
+/ Get your hands off of me, you fat ass--
+Ned, Edna... we just want to apologize for the commotion in your room...
+People here do not respect boundaries.
+Homer, did you just buckle your belt through my loop?
+Well, we're here to offer to throw you a little party in your honor.
+A little party might be fun. The only guests at our wedding were Ned's parents.
+Look at those squares, makin' it nice and legal. We didn't need a piece of paper.
+We had a paper, Nedward. We just rolled it and smoked it.
+Oh yeah! We got high-diddily-high on that reeferino!
+Less news from the pews!
+Okay Simpsons -- well, call me a cockeyed optimist, 'cause I think some sort of celebration party might possibly be fun.
+Great, we'll take care of everything. We'll just need to borrow your punch bowl, seventeen chairs, your portable dance floor, your banner printer, banner ink, and a ream of blank banners.
+Okay, there's no school, your Dad's at work and it's really comin' down. Anyone for Scrabble?
+Only God can make words.
+Right, right. Yahtzee?
+Dice are Satan's bones!
+What the hey, Mrs. K.?
+Thank God, a real kid.
+Want my advice on dealing with the Hardly Boys?
+Why do you care?
+I don't. I'm just bored watchin' worms drown.
+Okay. Whaddaya got?
+Well, what you've gotta do is get them into the real world.
+Skipping is cool.
+Especially when you're holding hands with your brother.
+If you don't act now, when they grow up, people like me are gonna take all their money and girlfriends.
+Oh, c'mon, they're not that hopeless.
+I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
+This is my third favorite wedding supply store!
+Oooh, look at these: "Extreme Weddings" triathlon, zero G... "tie the knot at the top of Mt. Everest?!"
+It's extreme enough for me when they smear the wedding cake on each other's faces.
+So, Marge, the rumors are true!
+Why did you get to throw a party for Ned and Edna and not me?
+Well, you're all invited, so you can make your snippy comments while you eat my hors d'oeuvres.
+Snippy? How can you say that in those shoes?
+They have Itchy and Scratchy weddings?
+Ready to go home, Ned?
+I'm sorry honey, but I'm stuck in this meeting of the Springfield L.G.B.T. The Left-Gifted, Bidextrous, and Transhanded community. We're tryin' to decide on the theme for our "Left is Right" parade.
+"Our Scissors, Ourselves!"
+How about "Death to Righties?"
+We have to live among them.
+To live "among them" is to die!
+This could go late -- we haven't even ordered pizzas and pop yet. Can you handle Rod and Todd's parent-teacher conference for me?
+Sure, I'd love to be the parent for once! Now I can drink a latté and leave the cup on the desk! Ha!
+Sorry, I'm -- I'm still a pre-op trans-hander.
+Well, I must say at this school we've never seen a step-parent before.
+Look, I'm a chalk jockey too. So don't slap ketchup on bread and tell me it's Pizza Friday.
+You teach with that mouth?
+Yes, I teach at Springfield Elementary, and we believe that...
+Public school? Well, I'll be a monkey's unrelated creature. Well, we'll fit you into our school prayers.
+You... do have science here, right?
+We sure do!
+Behold! Advanced Astronomy!
+You pulled the boys out of school?!
+Ned, I know I should have consulted you, but that school is beneath them. Take my word as a teacher of fifteen years.
+Well, sir... when we got married, I knew I'd find some spices in my chili. I guess they can go to Springfield Hellementary.
+Why are we here, Neddy?
+Well, first of all, I think talking dogs are the spawn of the devil. Secondly, we are watching my little Toddy graduate from college.
+Awww. Now aren't you glad you let Edna take charge of the boys' education?
+Yep, it's lucky she's not my taxes, 'cause I underestimated her. Wait a minute. Liberal professors... feminist workshops... abstract sculptures?!
+This isn't a Midwestern bible college. This is an elite East Coast university!
+It's okay, Daddy, I majored in religious studies!
+Comparative religious studies.
+Gimme your keys!
+Maybe I'll just park it myself.
+Why are you parking yourself? Why are you parking yourself?
+We haven't taken in one car all day.
+You really put on a great reception, Marge. It's like the happy flashback in a gritty cop thriller.
+Thank you! Everyone's having a great time.
+Helen, have a canapé! There's enough for everyone, but not too much.
+No weird hookups!
+Call me!
+I'm married to the sea. And I'm seein' two of the great lakes on the side. I won't say which ones, but it's eerie how superior they are.
+So, how do the boys like Springfield Elementary?
+Marge, it's wonderful. They're opening up, they've seen a wider world...
+I wrote with a flair pen!
+Well, that's just great, boys. Now, come over here so Mrs. Simpson can take a photo.
+Make sure our temporary tats are in the picture.
+Mine's a sassy princess who speaks her mind.
+Mine's a duck with no pants!
+What if we were raptured right now?
+Ned, I said it was okay.
+Yeah, chillax, Daddy.
+Chillax?! Young man, in the Flanders house, we speak the King's Diddily.
+Time for cake! Let's finish this sucker up.
+Why does that make him right?
+He took the time to press the shift key, Marge! I think he knows what he's talking about.
+You get my boys tattoos, you change their school, you buy Rod sneakers that light up like Times Square...shoes are shoes and lights are lights! Now, just when do I get a say in how my boys are raised?! This marriage isn't perfect!
+No video... party over... caaaake!
+Too late, Marge.
+Ned, these boys trust me to be their mother. You'd better decide whether you do.
+And that's that. Another story in the classic, infallible three-act structure. Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for the Simpsons.
+Mr. Szyslak, I have a feeling there's going to be one more act to this story.
+Well, I'm not hangin' around for that.
+Four acts...
+Ned, how did you sleep?
+Fine, I guess. Thanks for loaning me your pajamas, Homer. And Marge, thank you for those helpful chip bag clips.
+I just felt so ashamed I just couldn't go home. Today, I gave in to the one thing I vowed I would never have in my marriage: strong feeling.
+Here's your lunches. With some cake. You'll be having cake for a long, long, time.
+Bart, aren't you gonna tell Mom and Dad about the problem you have?
+Shut up!
+I'm just saying it won't get better unless you talk to an adult.
+Maggie knows how to keep a secret. Why can't you?
+Bart, is there something you want to tell us?
+Oh Marge, let the kid have his embarrassing secrets and lies.
+That is totally irresponsible parenting!
+Not according to the internet!
+Where on the internet?
+I'm sure some idiot somewhere agrees with me.
+Why would you believe him?
+Because his avatar is Darth Maul! The second-coolest Darth!
+And what he says is true because it's in all caps. Are you gonna argue with caps?
+So after all this time together, you two still haven't agreed on how to raise your kids?
+Ned, I realized long ago, there are some things Homer and I will never completely agree on.
+Yeah, but we make sure never to go to bed hungry.
+It's angry.
+Don't tell me what our thing is.
+It's about not agreeing on something.
+I've always said "hungry"!
+Bart, just tell us the problem!
+I'm keeping a dolphin in my bathtub!
+I thought I heard clicks and pops!
+Children, your test scores are down because we've been having so many assemblies, you haven't had time to study. This assembly will remedy that.
+We've invited a few friends over to give you some "musical cues."
+I'm Sally Scantron Sheet.
+And I'm Peter Pencil! Now, you didn't hear it from us, but the answers to the test are:
+A.B.D.D.C.A.B.
+Are you just giving them the answers?
+They still have to sign their names properly so we're not totally out of the woods.
+Pause the assembly! I have to talk to my wife!
+My rival.
+Some rivalry. It's like Secretariat versus a can of dog food.
+Edna, I'm sorry and I'll say it in front of God or Groundskeeper Willie!
+Oh Ned, I'm sorry too. I overstepped your boundaries. I guess I never really, truly cared about children before.
+Oh, get over it. And Ned, I'll be exactly as much mom as you want me to be.
+Hey, the Simpsons make it up as they go along, and they're as happy as a ribbon in a bible. What do you say, sweetie?
+Now in our fiftieth location in Springfield, Sleazy Sam would like to welcome our special grand opening star, Jesus.
+Welcome, money-changers! You can trust Sleazy Sam for the best rates, or my name isn't Jesus H.--
+Are you gonna do that every time I open one of these?
+HENS LOVE ROOSTERS / GEESE LOVE GANDERS / EVERYONE ELSE LOVES NED FLANDERS...
+MY MOUSTACHE / IS BRISTLY / MY LETTERS / ARE EPISTLY / AND I DON'T WANNA / MISLEAD YOU / I LIKE TO HUG AND KISSLY--
+FIRST BASE, YO! / I LIKE CHRISTIAN RAP / A BIBLE ON MY LAP...
+WILL YOU STOP THIS STUPID CRAP? / I WANNA TAKE A NAP!
+Okily-dokily!
+See that town? Goes by the name o' Springfield. Birthplace of the brass knuckle, the Nigerian Prince scam, and putting a tomato on your grilled cheese sandwich. Our story begins not long ago, on what seemed like a typical day.
+Ralphie, please. That's not for people, son.
+Aww, he's a dumb kid, but he's an above-average dog. Roll over, son. Aw, nobody saw.
+But little did they know, a change was coming. First, the creatures of the earth sensed it, then the fish of the deep. Then the Mormons got a heads up, then everybody else.
+Strange doin's, mother. Horses are spooked, cows ain't milkin', and look what the chickens laid.
+Sparkle eggs?!
+Storm's a-comin'.
+'Tain't no storm, pa. It's The Lady Gaga Express!
+She's-a-star! She's-a-star! She's-a-star! She's-a-star!
+Presenting the Queen of the Hottieverse. Appearing courtesy of Interscope Records, Lady Gaga!
+At ease.
+Conductor, you know the rules. Take off some clothes.
+Oh, um, yes ma'am, sorry ma'am.
+Now, what's our status?
+We are about to pass through... uh, Springfield.
+Springfield? What's their deal?
+Let's see, quiet suburb... home of the Tomb of the Unknown Mascot... has the lowest self-esteem of any place on the planet.
+Really?
+That's so sad. And as entertainers it is our solemn duty to cheer them up, for a little while.
+Gaga, it's my job to keep you away from ugly bumps on the map like Springfield. Don't worry, we'll get you right on a plane.
+No! Don't you remember what happened at LaGuardia?
+Yeah, well uh, you missed your flight.
+Then we'll party on the boarding ramp!
+Wait! I quit!
+We spend ninety minutes training 'em and off they go.
+I just can't ignore a billboard in pain. We're stopping in Springfield!
+No buts!
+Well, Lady Gaga couldn't arrive soon enough for one Lisa Simpson...
+Now let's turn to the ever-unpopular "Popularity Awards" -- the awards voted by students, in judgment of their peers! No way that can go wrong! First up, Campus Clown...
+Bart Simpson!
+That's my brother! Four years out of four.
+Prank you! Prank you very much!
+I fail to see the honor in this. Aren't awards shows rather silly?
+What?! Without awards shows, how would I know what movie has the "best beheading," or that "Glee" is a comedy?
+And now the award for "Least Popular Student." Lisa Simpson!
+What?! "Least Popular?" I gotta go.
+Hey, Dubya.
+You probably should accept it, Lisa. They'll go easier on you if you do.
+Um... thank you for noticing me?
+She actually accepted it!
+You said they'd take it easy on me!
+I know very little about children.
+We've gotta cheer up a whole town. Where's the dress I wore when I met the Pope?
+It's nice, but I saw Jennifer Lopez wearing it.
+Burn it! Burn it now!
+Help! Helllp!
+I've been on here since Chicago! I just want my life back!
+No negativity!
+Oh, you're right! I'm missing a terrible winter!
+...and that's how Berber carpet got its name, according to some. Lisa, how was your day?
+Um, can I be excused from holding up my end of the conversation?
+What's wrong with her?
+She just found out no one likes her. I thought she knew!
+Hey, Lisa! Maybe you'd feel a little better if you read the Daily Fourth Gradian message board, huh?
+Let's see... "Uncensored Jump-rope Chants"... Oh, there's a whole thread labeled "Lisa Simpson!"
+Ay carumba! Somebody's actually on your side!
+"Lisa doesn't judge other people. Why should we judge her?" It's signed, "Truth Teller."
+Whoever this "Truth Teller" is, I'm a fan. It takes a lot of courage to post nice things anonymously.
+Y'know, it seems like more than a coincidence that Milhouse brought it to our attention.
+Well, I certainly wish I was Truth Teller. But if I was, you'd know, because I can't keep a secret. I sleep under my bed every night 'cause I'm scared of the cars from "Cars" -- if gasoline is their food then why do they have teeth?!
+So Lisa, I guess you're not as unpopular as we thought.
+Yep. Message boards are never wrong.
+Well... um, maybe we should skip rope together.
+Double Dutch.
+Forgive a fool her tears.
+Hey Lis, some fifth graders are having a make-your-own pizza party at Flesh-In-The-Pan Pizza, and wanted me to invite you.
+Fifth-graders? Ooh-la-la! They get to put their desks in a circle!
+And read books where the parents are divorced. That joint is jumpin'.
+So, when's the party?
+"Lisa rocks, and so does her rock collection."
+That's mine!
+This notebook is full of things Truth Teller said!
+Give that back!
+This one says "post next Friday." Oh my God! You're Truth Teller!
+Lisa, what you did is like my mom sticking ten bucks in her own g-string.
+Truth Teller? More like Lie Smeller!
+Lie Smeller! Lie Smeller!
+Oh great, it stuck!
+Take five.
+Hey, easy on the soda. I don't want gassy demons like last night. Jerry.
+Oh! Wait a minute! No! No, no! Brrrrrr make it stop! Oh!
+Someone in Springfield needs my help... Light up the after-bras!
+That's it, I am off of this stuff.
+Me too, sweetheart.
+Yes, momma.
+No exceptions!
+Where are they going with this?
+Kent Brockman reporting live from the Springfield rail yards, where Lady Gaga's fabulous freighter has bumped and grinded its way into town. Suffice it to say, this is the most culturally significant train to stop here since the McKinley funeral cortege paused to pick up casket ice!
+Now sweetie, don't make a big deal out of this. I stopped reading after "TOP STUDENT".
+You wanna honk your jazz tube?
+What is the point? I think this is the end of me. All I had was my integrity. And now that's gone. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I try not to cry till you're asleep.
+I appreciate that.
+Look, if I could just spend a few days in my room without anyone trying to cheer me up, I think I might have a chance to...
+Hey, why don't we go see Lady Gaga? That'll turn your frown upside down.
+It's not a frown. It is a straight line of resignation. Looks just the same upside down.
+What are you talking about? Y-you're right!
+Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop!
+Dad, if you really wanna help, please stop trying to help.
+I will, but you know me and my crazy number thing where I always have to get to seventeen. Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Whoops, I lost count. Better start again. Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop!
+Ga-ga-oo-la-la! Ga-ga-ra-ma-ma!
+Ga-ga-ra-ma-ma! Ga-ga-ra-ma-ma!
+Hey Lisa, come on.
+I'm sorry, I don't really want to be here.
+Claws up, Springfield! Never forget you're all my Little Monsters!
+Uh, actually, I'm half monster, half Armenian. Pick your poison.
+And you should love yourselves as much as I love you, because...
+Tell us in song!
+BECAUSE...
+With theatricality! Come on, I woke up for this!
+Four! Three! Two!
+BUT EVERY MONSTER NEEDS TO FIND THAT SECRET DEEP INSIDE / THAT TRANSFORMS DOCTOR JEKYLL INTO SEXY MR. HYDE
+ALL MY MONSTERS ARE BEAUTIFUL...
+DISCO STU-TIFUL...
+SQUARE ROOT-IFUL...
+OLD COOT-IFUL...
+I love you, Lady Zsa Zsa!
+MONSTERS DON'T NEED IMPLANTS OR A BITCHIN' MONSTER CAR / MONSTERS ONLY NEED TO LOVE THE MONSTERS THAT THEY ARE
+OH YEEAHH
+Gaga / Dada / Jawa / Peace!
+Lie Smeller! Lie Smeller!
+Does everybody love themselves?
+That kind of thing sounds hollow from anyone but you!
+Now we have to get going.
+Wait a minute...
+No! No, no!
+You! What's wrong, honey?
+Please, I've had enough attention for one day!
+Yo, lighting! I can't see the girl who's had enough attention!
+We should go to your house and talk! Incognito!
+Oh God.
+Psst, it's me, Gaga. But no one must know.
+Gaga. Gaga. Gaga.
+So peaceful. Just the buzzing of the paparazzi.
+Hey, Gary. How's your wife and kids?
+Still ashamed of me. Big smile!
+This is where I live.
+Well, hello! It's one of those music industry superstars who's turning our innocent children into ladies of the night.
+What sweater drawer did you crawl out of?
+Name's Ned Flanders, I've heard of you. Haven't seen so much skin since shedding season on a snake farm.
+But all I'm saying is that everyone is beautiful--
+I'm afraid handholding isn't going to cheer me up.
+Yes, but Jesus said that... pretty much the same thing. Darnit, the Bible said the Devil would be attractive!
+What makes you think I'm the Devil?
+Unless you're gonna slap some wieners on those, turn 'em off!
+Joke's on you, I needed a trim!
+Bastards!
+Lisa, look at me. So what if your number one supporter is you? That's how it should be. I had some very tough times myself before I became a superstar at age twenty-two. Everything is gonna be fine. You better yet?
+Sorry, gotta answer this text.
+Please, take your time.
+You know what you need?
+Solitude?
+Flash mob.
+Now, Lisa, if that didn't fundamentally change who you are, I don't know what.
+You idiots! She meant we should disperse.
+Lisa, you un-tattooed little miracle, I'm not leaving here until I restore your sense of hope.
+Come on, say something.
+Let me explain. I have a chance for a grim but tolerable life, but only if I give up hope. Now if you don't mind, and with all due worship, I would like to be alone.
+Lady Gaga, meet your biggest threat: Baby Googoo.
+Can I please be alone?
+Well, it worked once.
+So, any ideas about Lisa?
+I never have any idea what to do for Lisa. To be the mother of someone who's so smart and so sensitive and who beautifully plays an instrument I don't really care for. It's so hard.
+I wish I was one of those young women who could just wave their hands in front of their eyes and not cry, 'cause it doesn't work for me.
+Marge, take it easy.
+It's just human contact.
+Well, maybe this will.
+Wow. Wow. This is like the night Hillary won the New Hampshire Primary.
+Lisa snuck out.
+I'm going after her.
+What are you gonna say?
+I'll just tell her that...
+Stop it, Homer! Some of that meat is me.
+Can I just trim the hem?
+It's yours.
+Oh good, she's playing.
+Not so good. It's "Lisa Roulette."
+Don't let her getcha!
+Her eyes shoot loser lasers!
+There is no over the top... There is no over the top...
+Run! With an egg that big, there's gotta be an even bigger chicken!
+Lisa! Listen to me. This pity party's being shut down by the smile police. Here's what you're gonna do:
+Why do you keep telling me what I'm gonna do? This isn't about me.
+Well, who else would it be about?
+You! It's about Hello, hello, Springfield. It's me, Gaga! Why is everyone looking at my purple hair full of bluebirds?
+Well, I denounce thee!
+I denounce thee for giving people ambitions they cannot fulfill! And I denounce thee for positing a world where social acceptance and walking on heels are easy!
+Please, may we kill the kid?!
+I denounce thee! I denounce thee! I denounce thee!
+Whoa. Easy, little monster.
+Don't "monster" me.
+Whatever you say.
+Are you crying... glitter?
+Tiny diamonds. Hurts like hell.
+Gaga-Gaga-Gaga-Gaga-Gaga--
+Okay Lisa, comin' up to make things better!
+Okay, I'm almost there... upward, ever upward... stay hydrated... I'm on the wrong tree... Okay, try again... here we go, okay...
+Lisa, can you come down?
+Sweetie, I've been thinking. Now, this all started because you used a fake name to defend yourself. The problem's not that you were cheating...it's that you got caught.
+I cheat on my diet but nobody knows 'cause the damage is on the inside and the first warning sign is sudden death. So, honey, what do you say?
+Dad, thank you. Like always, the fact that I could tune you out without fearing I'd miss out on something, gave me the time to take stock, and realize how ungrateful I have been. Which means I've got a train to catch.
+Parenting. It's the one job you always know you're doing right.
+So long, Springfield. You are my Waterloo.
+And now I'm just going to lie in bed and eat Fruit Roll-ups.
+Why is she doing in defeat what I do in victory?
+Why are you here?
+To thank you!
+For what?
+Look at me! You did help me, by allowing me to inappropriately focus eight years of rage and rejection on you. It was like a great sneeze. And now I can say what's good about me. And I can say it as Lisa Simpson! Just not that loud.
+Go ahead.
+Well, I'm smart, nice, tolerant, funny but not "mean funny," and I never forget a birthday, even for kids who move away.
+Now Lisa, there's only one last thing you have to do to be a Little Monster!
+I'll do anything but sing!
+You're gonna sing!
+I USED TO THINK THAT I WAS STUPID, WORTHLESS, WEAK, AND WRONG
+A MOCKINGBIRD WITHOUT A SONG...
+I WAS SMALL INSIDE AND LACKING PRIDE...
+ON A ONE-WAY TRAIN TO BE MILHOUSE'S BRIDE...
+End the song! End it right here!
+I LOVE NPR, AND JAZZ GUITAR...
+SOME DAY I'LL DESIGN A SOLAR CAR!
+THAT'S RIGHT, I'M LISA SIMPSON, SUPERSTAR!
+YOU'VE GOT A GREAT BIG HEART
+IT'S AT THE TOP OF MY CHART...
+LISA SIMPSON / LISA SIMPSON
+LISA SIMPSON SUPERSTAR!
+LISA SIMPSON / LISA SIMPSON...
+LISA SIMPSON SUPERSTAR!
+YOU'RE A SUPERSTAR!
+Wait, wait! Waiiit!
+Can you help me with my self-esteem?
+I'm not that good.
+Right, gotcha.
+And the best thing is, even if they weren't waving, it would be okay.
+I bet a lot of folks are wondering, did this story really happen? Well, it did. And I know because I was one of Gaga's dancers. The one with the spangliest crotch.
+Higher!
+I'm speaking fast because I'm so excited. Seeing Maggie Simpson in her first starring role in "The Longest Daycare" in 3D before Ice Age Continental Drift, only in theaters! We've already done the hardest part: making the poster!
+I LOVE MY HOMER FACE YEAH THAT'S WHAT I SAID / RIGHT WHERE IT SHOULD BE ON THE FRONT OF MY HEAD / STUBBLE, MUZZLE, OVERBITE, TWO EYES THAT REALLY BUG / THESE ARE THE COMPONENTS OF MY HOMER-RIFFIC MUG / D'OH, OOOH, D'OH, OOOH, / I SHAVE IT CLOSE, TRIM HAIRS FROM MY NOSE / D'OH, OOOH, D'OH, OOOH, I CLEAN MY EARS, 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I HEARS / I LIKE MY / I LIKE MY / I REALLY LIKE MY HOMER FACE
+This is Kent Brockman at the First Annual Springfield Grand Prix, which like all our town's showcase events is not only poorly-planned -- it's horribly-executed!
+The Making of the Empire State Building, Part One... The Basement.
+Wait for the gap... wait for the gap...
+Homer, we can buy scotch tape tomorrow!
+There's the gap!
+Gap's too small!
+A peloton?
+Apparently, today is also the final stage of the Tour de Springfield bike race!
+Hey, that's some fancy riding.
+Truthfully, today there were no losers -- and no winners, since both finish lines were tangled up in this unholy mess.
+I hear tapping from inside.
+What's goin' on?
+Well, let's all start tapping... our toes to the sounds of Scab Calloway and his Non-Union Band.
+Keep it down in there!
+So, is this a date date, or just a meaningless friend thing?
+Meaningless friend thing.
+True love super-date.
+Well, if you two ever get serious and have a baby, it'll look something like this.
+Don't listen to Uncle Bart! Lisa and I will raise you in a house of love.
+We're not having a baby!
+Oh brother. Let's dance.
+Geek leak!
+Hey Bart? At least I've got a date!
+Dance with me, please. I need to zing my sister.
+Okay, but you have to do your homework. Just kidding. I've given up on that.
+Just move your girdle, Yertel.
+Hey Lis -- your dance partner just made the cover of "Dorks Illustrated" Magazine.
+I know that's a zing, but still -- the cover!
+Now you listen to me, Bart. Milhouse may not be the perfect date...
+Please let there be a "but" coming. Please!
+Landed it!
+At least I'm with someone who tries a little too hard because he really likes me.
+Hey, plenty of babes have docked at Porto de Barto.
+Yeah, for about a week. But as soon as they get to know the real you, they departo de Barto. And that's why you're alone tonight.
+Oh my God, is that true?
+I'm afraid Lisa's right, son. If the late, great Nora Ephron taught us anything... Oh! What's my other inflatable doll doing here?
+What? What? I ain't here with no one.
+Oh man, Lisa's right -- none of these relationships lasted very long. Three days, one recess, half a field trip... why did I have to get so needy at the planetarium?
+Boy, if anyone needs me I'll be taking a popcorn bath. It's a thing I read about in a Men's Health magazine in a dream.
+Dad, can I ask you a question? How did you ever get a woman like Mom to stay with you?
+Pfft, look in the mirror, unplanned miracle.
+Is that the only reason?
+Well... I also keep things interesting.
+All right, who took the microwave?
+You see? Hey, what are you looking at?
+My ex-girlfriends.
+I can't believe she ran away. And this isn't helping.
+I'd better switch to the hard stuff.
+Aw boy, I feel for ya. Nobody likes to be rejected, and it never gets easier, until you can drink. Because then you can express your unfiltered feelings by drunk dialing.
+Observe. Hey, it's me again. He's there, isn't he? Well, I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I'm inside your closet.
+Um, that's awesome. But I think I'll visit my ex-girlfriends and prove they still like me.
+Hey, it's me.
+I was thinking about you. It's your birthday in like three, four months? Would it be weird if I threw you a party?
+Eat my shorts!
+Drop dead!
+Eat fist, jerk.
+You've got a lotta nerve showing up here... and not giving me a kiss.
+Inappropriate!
+I miss you.
+Stalker!
+Save me!
+Mary Spuckler, you're my last chance.
+She's pretty cute for Cletus's daughter.
+Yeah, she got to drink milk as a kid instead of white paint.
+Is you one of my kids?
+No sir.
+Prove it.
+A, B, C...
+All right, all right, you've convinced me, Einstein. What do you want?
+Is Mary here?
+I'm afraid Mary done run off, we knows not where.
+Dadgummit! Do you think she still likes me?
+Um... hey, Brandine! Does Mary still like this boy?
+I don't know what that girl likes anymore. She ran away after we engaged her to Old Man Wellbottom.
+And I was gonna be a good husband too, if'n I ever get out of this well!
+All right, all right, now, that's enough out of you.
+But I just--
+I know where my sister run off to -- New York City.
+New York? That's where Sesame Street is! Do you ever wonder what happens to Oscar on garbage day?
+Yep. New York. The Big Somethin'.
+This yere's her address. Good luck.
+I don't know if we should be up here, Bart Simpson.
+And why is that?
+'Cause the floor ain't finished. Daddy just covers things with hay and says they're done.
+Mom, can we go to New York to find this girl I used to know?
+Bart, that's sweet, but we'd need airplane money, hotel money...
+...And five hundred dollars for Yankee tickets, which turn out to be bogus...
+Well, don't buy 'em!
+But they're playing the Purple Sox!
+C'mon, Dad. You love New York. Now that your two least-favorite buildings have been obliterated: Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium.
+Lousy outdated relics! Boy, do you remember what happened the last time we went to New York?
+Keep your meathooks off my sister Marge, or my goons will do a soft-shoe on your solar plexus.
+You're dead, J.J. Get yourself buried!
+Tough cookie, huh? Well, watch me take a bite out of you!
+I'm about to go owl shooting... and you just said "who!"
+That's some lip ya got on ya. How'd you like me to stretch it like a rubber band and snap ya into last week?
+You're sellin' milk, J.J., and I've got a sour stomach.
+Homer, that sounds like "The Sweet Smell of Success".
+It didn't feel like success.
+Why, ladies? Why?!
+What's the matter, darling?
+We're safe because you have to climb steps to get up here.
+Son, you can dial down the crazy. Your mother and I talked about it and we found a way to get to New York. It's all set, boy. To save money, we're swapping houses.
+But don't the people wreck your house when they stay in it?
+I didn't say I swapped our house.
+How ya doin'? We're stayin' here for two weeks.
+Lord, you're testin' me, aren't ya?
+Keep talkin' to your friend up there. We'll be doin' it on your bed.
+New York style!
+Look at this place. Things have certainly changed since our ancestor Fievel came here.
+Fievel was a mouse in a movie.
+Yes, and now look at us. Only in America.
+Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash!
+Oh, geez. Not this guy, with his stupid little pushcart.
+Fifty thousand square feet, huh? All Khlav Kalash! Used to be book store! Books.
+Come on, let's go find Mary! This is the address her brother gave me.
+Can't Dad take Bart while we seek out culture?
+You do that.
+Do you know you're missing your clothes?
+I thought this was just a dream! Oh, man!
+All right, I'll spring for a cab.
+Much better.
+Here we are! Anything you leave in the cab, you'll never see again!
+Oh-oh-oh oh, thank God you woke up!
+I guess my search for true love is doomed.
+You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy, which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kind of hates you, but you can't get it together to leave. I'll get us some ice cream.
+Thanks for asking, Duchess. I'm sittin' here waitin' for a girl that's never gonna show up.
+What makes you so sure?
+Girls don't like me. I don't really like them yet either, but I think I'm gonna. There's a storm a-brewin' down there.
+Well, there's a girl a-standing right here! It's me, Mary!
+Wow. What are you doin' for money?
+Well, it's not very steady and I'm kind of ashamed... I'm a featured player on Saturday Night Live.
+Mary Spuckler!
+Aw, I'm lying. My whole life here is a bunch of lies. I'm just a writer with a performing option.
+Let's talk about somethin' else. Something nice.
+So, this is basically what we can afford.
+Okay, second balcony, partially obstructed view, no bathroom privileges, and you must stipulate that in emergencies you can change a spotlight gel.
+Well, at least I'll be able to say I went to a Broadway show.
+You're not allowed to say that.
+Oh, forget it.
+So, Bart Simpson, did you really come all the way here just to see me?
+Yeah... plus I thought I might get to see an air conditioner fall on someone's head. But I guess that never really happens.
+Is that your father?
+Bart, I want to see you again, but I don't want a grownup taking me back! Meet me at the High Line tomorrow.
+Keep my secret!
+Why you little... where's that ice cream?
+Just once I'd like your father to be on a JumboTron for something good.
+Damn you and your fluted neck!
+So, what did you do with your Dad?
+Can't move?
+I thought there was no crime in New York any more. Giulianiii!
+Give me some news of Springfield.
+They let Sideshow Bob out of prison again.
+Huh. Didn't know they still ran those trains.
+How's your mama and your sister?
+Trying to find high culture at low prices.
+No, Lisa! If you click that turnstile, it'll blow our budget!
+Well, without them around, you and I can walk through the city holding hands just like the men-folk do.
+I could listen to your twang all day.
+Would you care to hear it in song? 'Cause I wrote one... about you.
+Can I do a rap in the middle of it?
+Or you could just listen!
+Sir, may I borrow your guitar?
+Sure, sure -- it's the case that makes money!
+A BOY I KNEW TURNED UP AGAIN
+I KINDA LIKED HIM WAY BACK WHEN / CHASED HIM 'ROUND THE LIVESTOCK PEN...
+ROLLIN' ON MY SKATEBOARD / PIMPIN' LIKE A DRUG LORD...
+WELL I'M ON THE CUSP OF WOMANHOOD / AND I LIKE A BOY THAT AIN'T NO GOOD
+AT NOTHIN' 'CEPT MAKIN' ME SMILE -- THAT'S BART
+I THOUGHT MY OLD WAYS I HAD SHED / BUT I SURE MISSED HIS CYLINDER HEAD...
+NOW THAT BOY IS A-COME TO ME / OH YES, B-A-R- NOW WHERE'S THAT T? WHERE IS IT? I DON'T KNOW. OH THAT'S BART. I really like you, Bart Simpson.
+I've come to take you back, Mary.
+Sorry, honey. Your mother misses you but she just can't say it. That's 'cause the donkey busted her jaw. She'll be fine. Your mother too.
+All right, Broadway's too expensive, the museums are over-curated -- but Shakespeare in the Park is tonight, and the tickets are free!
+Get your cuckold's horns! Neck ruffles! Yorick skulls!
+I'll take a cuckold's horn.
+It works!
+Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement.
+La-dies-and-gen-tle-men-I-have-an-an-nounce-ment. That's not iambic pentameter!
+I'm afraid that tonight's show has been cancelled.
+Huh? / Why? / Wherefore?
+The Baldwin brothers, who were playing the Montague family, and the Sheen-Estevez clan, our Capulets, have quit the production.
+You guys suck at acting and you ate all the potato salad!
+No, you suck at acting, and it's "first come, first served!"
+I made that potato salad!
+It says Zabar's on the package!
+He works at Zabar's! We all work at Zabar's!
+I'm so sorry, you came to see Romeo and Juliet, not feuding families. The long, slow line to leave the theater forms on the left.
+And we have to walk by a drum circle!
+Faster, mon! More annoying!
+Not so fast! We came for Shakespeare, and we're gonna see Shakespeare!
+Anyone who wants to be in this, grab a doublet and meet me backstage!
+Is there mayhaps a bit of business for me?
+I was thinking amateurs only.
+Well, my only "professional" job was playing a nefarious hot dog in an ad for "Taco Bueno." "You fresh-made tacos will never defeat pre-boiled hot dogs!"
+Please, I owe Yale Drama School two hundred thousand dollars. They keep calling my mother!
+Fine, you're in.
+I must warn you, I have crippling stage fright.
+Oh, for the love of God.
+For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
+Our search for culture is thus concluded / For the bard of Avon is well-suited / To a crowd with ev'ry cell phone muted / Jeez, I can't stop talking like this.
+Hey, don't ever stop, because tonight we made it in New York!
+Those the people who took over the theater?
+Pepper spray and power wash: the New York hug and kiss.
+Now Mary, you listen to me. I am one-third your father and you gon come back.
+If ya'll will excuse me, I'm gonna wash my face for the ride home.
+Enjoy your fancy-schmancy "in-house" for the last time.
+Um... I've gotta go.
+Go where?
+Uh, well, since we're here, I'm gonna go try to get Al Roker's autograph.
+Here you go, little fan. Killer storm on the way!
+Um... I'm gonna go try to sell this.
+I'll buy it back!
+Goodbye, Bart. And don't worry. There'll be other Mary Spucklers, including my sisters Mary Zeke and Mary Not-Quite-Right.
+Bart if any girl tries to fix you, let 'em. Because you've got a couple of big problems. But mostly you're great!
+Boy, you tell me where Mary's gone.
+I can't.
+Boy, you squeal like a piggy for the hillbilly man!
+I can't, because Mary's the girl that proves that girls can like me. And she wouldn't like me anymore if I gave her up. So I won't, even if you torture me like you do the English language.
+Thanks a lot, Liser.
+Oh, well if that ain't aren't the isn't. I guess I just gotta let Mary find her own way. Come on. Let's head on back to Springfield.
+Uh, one on-getter for the clickety-clack, please.
+You miss her, don't you, son?
+You want a picture of her for your wallet?
+Uh, she's somewhere in B-3.
+Thanks, man.
+Aw, look at that -- my little guy's finally realizing how complicated grown-up feelings can be.
+Well at least it didn't end as bad as "Romeo and Juliet."
+Heh, no kidding, I saw your reviews.
+Hey! I specifically said no critics! This is outrageous! Ooh, but they like me!
+I hope you enjoyed the show tonight. And if you're worried about when the air conditioner fell on my head, rest assured it was a stunt man and his family is being well taken care of.
+But we're here to ask if you have an idea for a couch gag.
+The best submission will be animated and appear on the show!
+Do we screw them on the credit?
+No! For details, log onto thesimpsons.com.
+I'm submitting mine now.
+Welcome to the grand opening of our whatchamacallit, which thanks to the lobbying of Lisa Simpson, we built instead of a new baseball stadium.
+At least the pennant works both ways.
+Professor Frink will now throw a switch, which will either answer certain obscure questions of subatomic physics or destroy the universe.
+Oh my god particle!
+What is it, Professor?
+You can tell your grandchildren you were here when humanity finally learned that this accelerator is much too small to tell us anything important.
+That money could've been used for a war!
+No one takes Willie's mop!
+Take the mop! Take the mop!
+A mini black hole!
+Oh no, I've got to take it away before more clueless kids fall into it!
+Geronimo!
+I's rich!
+I's poor and shackless.
+Lisa! Do you have a stray dog down there?
+Um, it's a lot worse than a stray dog.
+Two stray dogs?
+It's a black hole!
+That was gonna be my next guess!
+Are you sure your next guess wasn't "three stray dogs?"
+A black hole? I'm sorry, can we call it that?
+Yes, it's the preferred term. And most scientists believe that what enters a black hole never comes out. But some think they may be a gateway to other universes.
+Hey, can it open a pretzel bag for me? Help a brother out, B.H.
+Woo hoo!
+Guys, stop throwing things in the hole -- the more you throw in, the bigger and more dangerous it becomes!
+Come on, you can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something!
+Dad, don't pat it!
+Why should--
+Why you little...
+I am nature's perfect choking machine!
+Okay, that's it! I'm putting a baby-gate across the black hole, and don't throw anything more into it! Uh-oh, yes, Homer.
+Dad, that's creepy.
+I know we shouldn't feed this, but grease brings raccoons.
+Quit bageling my English muffins!
+The black hole is looking a lot bigger. Does anybody want to admit to throwing things in?
+Nope. / Not me. / Do we even still have that thing?
+And I have to ask... has anyone seen the cat?
+Now what?
+Okay, it's possible that someone may have started a business called "Magic Craphole Waste Removal," but it wasn't me.
+Stop! This is a black hole, not a lawn and leaf bag! If one more thing gets in there it could reach critical mass!
+I did it! I hit my first homerun!
+I'm still proud of you, buddy! And look! I've got money to take you for pizza!
+You saw that I had the money, right?
+Welcome, trans-dimensional visitors.
+We have received your many gifts with gratitude.
+Haw-haw!
+We have built our society around the treasures you have sent.
+Our most popular magazine is your President's Day mattress blow-out insert.
+Our favorite food is your banana peel.
+And we listen to all our music on the most wonderful device ever created... the Zune.
+Zune... Zune... Zune...
+Treasures? Gifts? You got it all wrong. That stuff is just our old--
+Wonderful stuff! Enjoy it!
+Zune...
+Day one.
+We've bought this camera because strange things have been going on at our house in the dead of night.
+And if anyone finds this footage after we're all missing or dead, remember me as a hero.
+Dad, you forgot to pick me up after Little League!
+You tossed your car keys in my bean plant!
+A hero.
+Homer! Is that my camera?
+Hero away!
+Night One. Wanna snuggle?
+Not with the camera on.
+I turned it off.
+Looks like the red light's on.
+I swear, I am not filming.
+Note to self: edit out my lies.
+Wait! Don't kill the monster without me!
+I'm right behind you, honey! We have stairs?!
+What the?
+Why is this happening to us?
+I don't know, I don't know! I'm sure I don't know!
+Oh, sweetie, sometimes a mysterious, invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them. Now go to bed.
+Eh-eh, school night.
+Now you're sure I bought enough cameras and extended warranties to catch that ghost?
+Sir, whatever happens in this house, these cameras will pick it up.
+Ooh, I can't wait for tonight's massacre.
+Hey, Marge.
+Oh, like what you see, huh?
+I like it when you don't say words.
+Come here, you. /
+Yeah. That's hellfire all right. Someone in this family has made a deal with the devil, and now the devil wants his due!
+Now remember, this creature feeds on your fear.
+What the hell was that?!
+Actually, he feeds on more than just fear.
+Give back my baby!
+We had a deal!
+Mom, what's going on?
+Don't act so surprised, Marge. You knew this day was coming!
+Let's see what we're dealin' with here.
+It's Moe with wings!
+Moe Szyslak? Come on, he's much more hideous and evil than me!
+I brought this on us all. It began when I was a girl...
+Hail Satan!
+What are you doing?
+Trying to summon the devil.
+Nothing good on TV.
+We have no boyfriends.
+We're bored.
+Something to do.
+Hail Satan / the minister of sinister / Rude dude with the bad 'tude
+Save us, Marge!
+We'll never make fun of any man you date or marry.
+Um... Mr. Demon, could you come back for my sisters later?
+Very well, you have thirty years. But when I return, Marge, I shall take your favorite child.
+I thought I was the favorite.
+Not the favorite! Not the favorite!
+Listen, pal, you seem like an honest guy.
+Is there any other deal that you can accept?
+Three-way.
+You, me and Marge?
+Demon, demon, you.
+I guess it's one of those things a dad has to do...
+Now, before we start, what's the safe word?
+Cinnamon.
+Ooh, I like that. Now, I'd like to try something new if you don't mind...
+Cinnamon / Cinnamon / Cinnamon!
+Cinnamon!
+Y'know, it's really not fair you're charging two hundred bucks for a comic that says twenty-five cents on the cover!
+The only way to buy that comic book for twenty-five cents is to go back to nineteen seventy-four.
+That's impossible!
+Or is it?
+Oh, it worked! My time machine has worked! This is the most fantastically-powerful invention in mankind's history. Here, kid. Hold my keys while I grab some lunch.
+Nineteen seventy-four! I won't be needing this.
+Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.
+Eh, pretty good. A little preachy.
+Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumbel.
+Allow me, gentlemen.
+It's Homer! Before his boobs came in!
+Hey, Homer.
+I'm your unwanted son from the future, who killed all your fun!
+Would you go to the prom with me?
+Excuse me, is this room one-oh-six?
+Let go of him! What kind of jerk strangles a little boy?
+It was not love at first sight!
+Ay carumba! If you guys don't get together... what does that mean for me in the future?
+I don't exist?
+Or... my life might be a hell of a lot better!
+Ma'am, whatever you do, do not marry that ape.
+Now to return to a future where I'm either rich or allowed to stand in front of a rich guy's house. Either way, better than now.
+Here's your smoothie, sweetheart.
+Why would I suck smoothie, when I can suck face with you, Mrs. Artie Ziff!
+My Dad is Artie Ziff?
+Indeed! Which makes you Barty Ziff!
+Oy carumba!
+Good morning, beloved son. Enjoy your luxurious life, including your own bully butler.
+Will that be haw-haw, sir?
+I know who I'm in love with.
+You're an idiot.
+You are the first person who ever said that!
+Whatever you say, little boy.
+Give yourself a wedgie.
+Excellent choice.
+Hey! You! This is my peeping tree!
+Young me? What brings you to the present?
+Well, if we put our heads together, we can think of a plan.
+I love my life. I love it not. I love my life. I love it not.
+You're just like Indiana Jones, son. A role played by Richard Dreyfuss in our universe.
+I'm here to take my life back!
+I thought this might happen so I mastered Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
+Crawl atop me and meet your doom!
+Not so fast! Say hello to The United Federation of Homers Through History!
+Crush them in the name of Jebus!
+Okay guys, let's regroup. We'll come back with more Homers and start fresh in the morning.
+What's she doing here?
+I'll tell you what I'm doing, I'm realizing that I married the wrong man. Oh, you poor, sweet, simple Homers.
+I was supposed to be with all of you.
+Even you, Caveman Homer.
+That's Renaissance Homer.
+Well, cardinal or cannibal, I wish that twenty years ago I had chosen love.
+Lemme get this straight. None of you had time to take out the garbage?
+Make Egyptian Slave Homer do it.
+It's always me.
+Hummingbirds! Hum and get it!
+Homie, the faucet is dripping.
+I'll get right on it.
+Homer, when are you going to fix this faucet?
+I'm on it!
+Are you going to fix the faucet or not?
+For the third time this year, yes!
+"I'll get to it, Marge..." "I'll get to it..." When we first got married, he'd only take six months to do things...
+Mom, how come you didn't do my homework last night?
+Oh no! Lisa's face... it's the same!
+Everyone relax. I think I've got an emergency sinkhole kit in here somewhere.
+Oh, man -- I gotta climb stairs? Forget it.
+No one stays in the sinkhole!
+Lousy surface dwellers...
+So, what seems to be the problem?
+Springfielders are getting that sinking feeling as the dangerous sinkhole continues to expand.
+While this sinkhole is larger than the Sarlacc pit which swallowed Boba Fett, it is smaller than the Geonosis battle arena where Jango Fett was beheaded by Mace Windu.
+Weren't those two places about the same size?
+I didn't know this was an ambush!
+Eh, you know, in this town, you learn to adjust to things. Runaway monorails... NASCAR star Jeff Gordon...
+Hey, Moe.
+Hey. Bet we never see him again.
+I'm gonna call it a day, Moe.
+Woo hoo!
+Hey, hey, hey, hey! That plank's only for comin' in!
+Try to land on the other traitors.
+People of Springfield, please be cool like Lou.
+We will eliminate one eyesore with another, by bulldozing our tire fire right into the sinkhole.
+But my car is down there!
+For the first time my administration has solved a problem. The hole has been filled by the thing it fears most: stuff!
+...so just when my dad finishes his online degree in Sinkhole Engineering, they go and fill it in!
+Are the credits transferable?
+That guy has a bone to pick with the Board of Regents. Hey, Lisa's not getting on the bus.
+Where's she going?
+I don't know. Dork farm? Who cares?
+She never doesn't do what she's supposed to! This is major!
+Fine. We'll follow her.
+Well if they're not taking the bus, neither am I.
+I'm going to a accident!
+Lisa's taking a cab? I'm worried. Does she even know how much to tip?
+What's it say?
+"The five boxing wizards jump quickly?" Whoa! My sister's finally become... mildly interesting!
+Sounds like a case for the "Detecti-pals." Taxi!
+They never stop for blue-heads.
+Hello ma'am. Are you and your husband here to look for a new car?
+No, I'm here to buy one myself.
+Uh-huh.
+Well, I think the Tissan Sensibla is the car for you.
+It's got all the features that a modern woman wants, including all manner of makeup mirrors.
+This car looks a little small. Is the engine powerful?
+Wow, somebody knows her cars.
+This baby comes with an RX-12 2-cylinder!
+Well, that's odd, because the consumer website says the RX-12 2-cylinder has a dealer's invoice of fourteen seven.
+You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna talk to my manager.
+This says you are the manager.
+Those websites are taking food out of my children's mouths!
+It says on your Facebook page you have no kids.
+I have two Yorkies, and I'll be talking about you, to them, tonight!
+I gotta hand it to you, Marge. You got the exact amount of car for our family. Room for two adults, three kids, and zero Grampas.
+Uh-oh! Do you hear that rattle?
+I don't hear anything.
+Me neither.
+And what's that smell?
+I think it's "new car smell."
+Well I don't like it.
+I still smell it!
+Darn car won't start.
+Let Automobile Von Bismarck give it a try.
+Well...
+Hmm. Well, it wouldn't start for me. I think this car's a lemon!
+...the wipers wipe backwards, and the defroster lines on the back window are too close together! Excuse me.
+Sir, the car is fine. Can I be straight with you? As a mechanic, I'm not totally qualified to judge mental health...
+So, you're not totally unqualified.
+I think the problem is in your wife's head. There's a psychological reason why she hates this car.
+A reason? What could it be?
+What fun!
+I'm sorry, but there's no diagnostic computer for the female mind.
+Wow, an auto mechanic who tells the truth.
+If you want me to examine your wife overnight I can arrange a loaner.
+She's an '83 Yugo.
+I don't do laundry or kiss boo-boos!
+Umm... no thanks.
+Marge... do you think maybe there's another reason you don't like this car? Um... um... a "feelings" reason?
+What are you talking about?
+Well, maybe you and the car got off on the wrong foot. When do you think things first went wrong?
+All right, I remember we all got in... and by the way, that backseat is pretty tight for the kids. I mean, I don't know what we'd do if we had another baby. With this car, we're basically saying no more babies!
+No, no, Marge. I want you to explore your feelings.
+Homer, the reason I hate this car is... I think I want another baby!
+An "on purpose" baby?
+Homie, I want another baby.
+What about... you know... "Stinky"?
+Maggie's not a baby! Her soft spot's been skulled over for the last three months! Being a mom is who I am, and I'm not done being who I am.
+Whatever you want, sweetie.
+Well, take a shower, 'cause we're gonna try it tonight!
+Homer, why do you take a three second pause before you answer what I say?
+Just appreciating how lucky I am to be with you.
+What a wonderful thought.
+Boxing wizards. Boxing wizards. What's she up to?
+Let's settle this like adults. Wands down!
+Maybe I should go on anti-psychotic meds.
+Bart! What are you doing in my room?!
+Lowering your blinds. I'd hate for your carpet to fade.
+What are you doing Tuesdays and Thursdays after school?
+What do you do Tuesdays and Thursdays after school?
+Write stupid stuff on the chalkboard. And if you have any ideas, I'm really running out. Today's was "mousetraps are not slippers" or something. Now what are you up to?
+A gentleman doesn't ask and a lady doesn't tell.
+Can I use that on the chalkboard?
+I guess.
+Gentleman doesn't ask, lady doesn't tell. Now all I need is one for Martin Luther King Day.
+My husband and I have been snuggling six ways from Sunday...
+And let me tell you, a towel rack will not support your weight.
+...but we aren't making a baby. I thought we should check, to make sure Homer has... you know, working stunt-men in his cannon.
+You were wise to check, Marge.
+What do you mean?
+Take a look at this.
+X's for eyes...
+I guess... that's that, then.
+Honey, I am so sorry. I guess we'll just have to learn to love the three children we have.
+Hey, uh... hm... why don't we take the longer but nicer historic route? Then today will be nothing but beautiful memories.
+Lisa's going somewhere after school two days a week. And all we have are boxing wizards. If we're gonna find out what Lisa's up to, I'll need the help of all her old boyfriends.
+Guess we've all carried the same books, huh, guys?
+She carried mine.
+This just became a treehouse of horrors!
+It's okay! I landed on a mattress!
+Whatever it is, she's in over her head.
+Way over. We gotta save that poor girl. Anyone know how we get home?
+We got bigger problems! It's Father Mike!
+I can't believe we're never going to have another child...
+Is everything okay over here?
+Sorry guys. Private family moment.
+No, s'okay. We can share this with you... Homer can't make a baby because he nuked his swimmers.
+Aw, that's a shame.
+Yeah. That's why I wrap my plums in tin foil every day.
+Eh, nothing we can do.
+Hey, Homer... what if you got back one of those samples you sold years ago at the Shelbyville Sperm Bank?
+You never told me about that.
+It's true... that's how I got the money to buy you your necklace.
+Awww... Eww... Homie! We still have a chance!
+I, uh, hope it's twins!
+Now I'm thinking Alex if it's a girl and Xander if it's a boy.
+Watch it!
+Ooh, a Christmas ornament museum! Can we stop?
+Okay, but just for a minute. We want to hit the candle store, Fudgerama, the Zipper Hall of Fame, Snow Globe World, and The Taj Meatball.
+I think that Shiva used to be Paul Bunyan.
+What's "Detention" doing here?
+I need to know what's up with Lisa. If her grades drop, we're not technically a school -- we're a tornado shelter with voting booths.
+Nothing exceptional here. Except -- blue reinforcements.
+Only one person I've ever known uses these: my predecessor, Principal Meredith Milgram.
+Follow me, but be warned: there's no permission slip for what we're doing.
+A quick movement of the enemy will jeopardize six gunboats.
+That's about three more jeopardized gunboats than I'd expect.
+Thank God we brought the bus driver.
+Seymour, what are you doing here?
+Taking four children across town to investigate a piece of paper we found on the ground.
+Don't you have better things to do?
+Sadly, no.
+Same ol' Seymour.
+I know why they're here!
+Because they can't let me have a secret. It drives them crazy.
+Cursive writing. I'm learning cursive. All these sentences have every letter of the alphabet in them.
+Ooh, don't they teach them fancy squiggles at school?
+Uh, we do not. Outmoded, no room in the budget, and all the teachers forgot how to make a capital "Q."
+Two loops and a flourish. Luckily, a few brave students still want to learn.
+I hope you're happy. You all just wasted your time working your way into an afterschool class.
+I can't believe we spent the whole day here.
+And I got to try every flavor of candy cane: white and red.
+Well, maybe we should check into a motel.
+Ooh, Homie, you've lost weight.
+What's that, baby?
+I'll take it from here, wing-man.
+It sure was nice to have a day together as a couple.
+Yeah, no kids to ruin it.
+I thought the whole point of this trip was to have another baby.
+Marge, I was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda.
+So, you don't want another baby? How long have you felt this way?
+Uh, well, looking back, I guess it started sometime before Bart was born.
+Room for one, please.
+Honey, I'm sorry. It's just that we have a hard enough time handling three kids.
+Emotionally, financially, the boy... I just didn't know how to tell you.
+Just yell across the house like you do everything else!
+Okay, good, we're talking...
+We're not talking!
+Your phone just dialed me.
+You were pocket-dialed!
+Hey, the pocket wants what it wants.
+They just leave the maple syrup on the table, huh? How about that? That's trust, huh?
+Now kids, help your brother Xander.
+Where's daddy? Where'd daddy go?
+Here he is!
+Uh-oh. I don't think I rewound the video the last time I was here.
+Um, I'd like to get back a donation made fifteen years ago by a Simpson, Homer. Or it may be under the name Thad Supersperm.
+Homer... Homer, this is the point where I really have to know what you want.
+I'll tell you what I want, Marge. I want to make another Simpson. The table with four legs is sturdier than the table with three. Cubes are made of cheese, but pyramids are schemes. And anything that's half you is guaranteed fifty percent perfect.
+Nice speech, but the last of your sample was just selected by another couple.
+Are you sure there isn't more? I mean there's always a little ketchup left in the bottle.
+I'm afraid not. But the couple is waiting in the room there. Maybe you can talk them into something else.
+I'd like to buy back my sample.
+Are you saying... our sample came from you?
+Here, it's yours. We don't need it.
+Well, I expected a little argument.
+No, no, no, look in the mirror, that's your argument.
+Geez. I mean, I'm no Luis Guzman, but I'm all right.
+Homer? How many samples did you sell?
+Um... remember that Corvette I had?
+I thought they only paid fifty dollars a trip.
+This is the worst pain imaginable!
+Exactly. Well, we're all set. Let's make a Thad Supersperm Junior. With a name like that, he could be president.
+Homie, maybe we should wait.
+Maybe there's enough Homer in the world for now.
+But I was really looking forward to...
+You're right, Marge. I don't wanna bring more kids into a world full of my kids.
+Two adults, please.
+Enjoy the film, you two!
+Another thing that would be harder with four kids.
+You know, I always send the theater manager a check the next day.
+Pushy sign! Don't tell me what to try!
+Homer! Dr. Hibbert told you to eat healthier!
+I don't recall that.
+Well I do.
+Eat healthier!
+You too, Julius! I heard you were at Loretta's Diner on "Catfish Friday!"
+How do you know that? You got your brother following me?
+Chester needs a job.
+I paid him to build a shed! Where is my shed, Bernice?
+One onion rings, please.
+Can I borrow ten bucks from the cash register? I've gotta get drunk before a party.
+Excuse me, a homeless man is giving himself a sink bath!
+Karate class is here and hungry!
+You got any scented candles?
+This one's cold.
+Mr. Simpson, your injury was no accidénte, it was... negligénce.
+My burns have affected our... intimacy... because all night, I talk about how much money I'm going to make from the lawsuit.
+Money? What I am concerned about is your burns.
+They have healed much too quickly. Sit still while I give your head the "third degree."
+Oh God! It hurts worse than the burns!
+Yes, these are special acid markers.
+Homer Simpson, you shall receive five-thousand dollars after legal fees.
+Pay up, Krusty.
+It wasn't even my place!
+Man, I got a bad lawyer.
+So, uh, what are you gonna do with the money, Homer?
+Well, thought bubble Marge said we should put it in a college fund for Lisa.
+So where's the money now?
+I put it in the bank. That place is great! On their wall, they had a photo with an old couple walking on the beach with their pants rolled up.
+Uh, Homer, we all wanna walk on the beach with our pants rolled up, but, uh, banks are not as safe as they used to be.
+Yeah, when you give the bank your money, they lend it to other people! I saw a Sesame Street about it! Kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything!
+Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too?
+All the frogs on that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.
+That settles it. No banks for me.
+I'll tell you where you should put your money. The one safe place left in this world of woe:
+What the--? I'm not gonna gamble with my daughter's future.
+Nah, you don't have to bet the money. The poker website just keeps it nice and safe, where the FDIC can't get its grubby little hands on it!
+A poker site is now safer than an American bank. Has our nation, built on people suing because their onion rings were too hot, come to this?
+Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the third world, we're doin' great!
+Open file, click and...invested! Hey Lisa, check out your college fund!
+You put my college fund on a poker site?!
+It's a classy operation. See, the little dealer's wearing a bowtie. Cute.
+Well... at least I have a college fund!
+On a poker site!
+More importantly it's a college fund...
+On a poker site!
+Dad, please!
+Sorry. Check out my new t-shirt.
+Where'd you get that shirt?
+I've had it for a long time. I was just about to throw it out, and then this happened.
+That's one way to avoid drunk driving.
+Another way is don't drink.
+I'm not Superman.
+Homie! Do you know what yesterday was?
+Ha, of course I do! Happy anni... birth... entine... shark week?
+Yesterday's the day we were supposed to visit Grampa!
+What the?! Stupid calendar. First you put the Fourth of July on Sunday, and now this! Ooh, we're gonna discuss this later!
+Okay, remember the plan. Apologize to Grampa. Then when he wants us to take him out to lunch, point to the leftovers, tell him we already did, but he forgot.
+I still feel guilty. Your father's not going to be around forever.
+Marge, you take that back!
+Fine, he'll be around forever.
+You take that back!
+We're here to see Abe Simpson.
+Abe Simpson?! Uh, excuse me.
+I'm very sorry to tell you your father... is missing.
+Missing?! What kind of a prison are you people running here?
+If it's any consolation, we'll probably find him when the river thaws in the spring. A lot of bobbers then.
+There's gotta be a clue in here somewhere. Spats, sock garters, the world's hardest hard candy...
+Oh, it's hopeless! This room is like a museum of meaningless old crap. By which I mean every museum.
+Grampa's army footlocker! I bet the most important things in the world to him are in this box!
+So precious...
+Look at that, a man's whole life being kicked around on the floor.
+Spiro's...
+The place that changed my life?
+Flimsy lead, take me away!
+Okay, baby, let's see the flop... Dammit! Lost again.
+Are you playing poker with my college fund?
+I'm only down sixty-two dollars. Not counting my tips to the waitresses.
+Get your hands off my future!
+Fine, fine.
+New low, even for this family... college fund on a poker site... I'm just gonna log right out.
+Get outta here!
+Huh. Two queens. That's a great start.
+Well, maybe I can just win the sixty-two dollars back.
+Four queens! Yes! Yes!!!
+Gambling, eh? Satan's most potent recruiting tool!
+All due respect, Mr. Flanders, could I have a little privacy?
+Please? Thank you.
+Yeah! Fifty dollars up! Time to play with house money!
+Or, time to walk away from the table.
+How did he...
+Can't let Lisa lose her sense of wonder.
+Excuse me, have you seen this man?
+We don't like questions, man.
+I'm just trying to get information -- like a nosey reporter, or an undercover cop...
+What'd he say about a cop?
+Or a spy from a rival gang! Hey, what are you doin'?
+Abe Simpson -- used to work here. Put him down!
+Welcome to Spiro's! I am Spiro. Not the Spiro on the sign -- that's my brother.
+Did you say my dad worked here?
+Yes. In the old days. When people ate steak, drank champagne, and the music... oh, the music! I hated the music!
+Simpson! I pay you to clean tables, not to write songs. And you, Marvin Hamlisch, I pay you to write songs, not to clean tables!
+What can I say? I like to pitch in.
+Napas To Thailo Valka!
+Wait a minute!
+My dad was an aspiring songwriter like Charles Manson? I never knew that.
+You know who would sound good singing that song?... Me.
+MY HEART DOES THE TWO-STEP WHEN YOU WALTZ IN THE PLACE / YEAH, MY TICKER BEATS QUICKER WHEN I LOOK AT YOUR FACE
+YEAH YOU'D BETTER CALL THE DOCTOR BEFORE WE EMBRACE...
+Busboy that bread-basket napkin's so opened-up, you can see everything! Disgusting! You're fired!
+Hey, you can't do that! I just turned sweet on him! Yeah!
+Be sweet on him on your own sweet time! Why did I ever leave Greece? Oh that's right, 'cause it's a train wreck.
+I understand. But this is hard. Yeah.
+I never saw either of them again. If you find your Dad, tell him "sorry" from Spiro Papadapaconstanti-kasgianopolopodopotopolis.
+Got it. Papadapaconstanti-kasgianopolopodopotopolis.
+Now, what was that singer's name again?
+Rita Lafleur.
+Rita La-what?
+Lafleur.
+One more time.
+I'll write it down for you.
+Thank you Mr. Papadapaconstanti-kasgianopolopodopotopolis.
+There's exactly one Rita Lafleur living in Springfield!
+That's where we live!
+Hello? Rita Lafleur? Did you know a man named Abe Simpson?
+Know him? I'm married to him!
+Homer, she's married to your Dad!
+Woo hoo! I get two Christmases!
+I've read every expert on poker, and watched Jennifer Tilly's DVD.
+Start with your Simpsons money, use a little girl voice, and take 'em for everything they've got.
+Now, I'm needed on the set of "Bride of Chucky Five."
+Time is money!
+Money is money!
+And money is college, which should lead to more money some day, but who knows anymore?
+Tim, what are you doing?
+Bible trivia.
+You've been doing that an awful lot lately.
+The Bible is rich with trivia!
+I can't believe my Dad never told me he had another wife. The man I looked up to my whole life.
+You never looked up to him.
+Well, it's a good thing I didn't because I'd be pretty devastated right now.
+Well, we certainly don't want to cause you any more pain.
+But we need to know everything, no matter how shameful. And fast!
+Well just what attracted you to my father?
+Beneath his mediocrity there was genius. Then a layer of anger. Then a beautiful soul. Then some more anger. A lot of layers.
+After we were fired from Spiro's, we teamed up... for more than music.
+Oh, Abe! Yeah.
+That kind of romance leads to children.
+Faster than you'd think...
+I was alive when my Dad knew you?
+Alive, but very clueless.
+So, this was after Homer's mother left?
+I love men on the rebound. They always think they've done something wrong and they usually come with furniture.
+My Dad had furniture?! I don't know him at all!
+We got married in the city hall across from the prettiest church you've ever seen. Then tragedy struck.
+Hey, I'm startin' to remember why I don't remember so much.
+We celebrated in your hospital room.
+Our first night together as a family. We didn't know it would be our last.
+Abe! They want to book us on a European tour!
+But making music is my dream, Abe... our dream.
+You okay, Daddy?
+Shame! Shame!
+Oh my God. I never knew the sacrifices my father made. Move over, Fonzie. I've got a new hero.
+I never saw Abe again.
+But I thought you still loved him.
+Life isn't all major chords... sometimes you gotta hit the minor keys.
+What does that mean?
+I got super-addicted to heroin. Yeah.
+Okay, education paid for. With a gap year, to find myself. Every nerve in my body is screaming "cash out now," and yet... I've got a pair of aces!
+Full house! Aces over threes! Take that, rich-texan-oh-oh-one, and sideshow-bob-at-springfield- penitentiary. Ha! I'm going all in!
+Doggone it, I give up. It's like Kenny Rogers' most famous line: "This is a bad piece of chicken."
+What? He didn't fold? But that's insane unless he has...
+Four threes?! Oh no! No-no-no-no-no, nooooo!
+Can't breathe... I've lost, I've lost everything.
+We can all hear you! Please log off!
+Aw, c'mon, Lis. No gambling story has a happy ending, except Seabiscuit. But you never hear about the ruined lives of the people who bet against him.
+This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! I was Ivy! Strong Ivy!
+Oh man, this is priceless, but I can't keep it up. You've still got a college fund.
+What are you talking about?
+I'm Sideshow Bob!
+I've been using his avatar to play poker and trash his favorite restaurants on Yelp.
+And I saved your vegetarian bacon.
+Oh my God! You won the pot? You must have nearly a million dollars! I can go to college and live like a Kennedy.
+Listen... after I won, the website found out we were both under eighteen, so we're back to the original five thousand.
+Did you give the money back to the people who lost it?
+Goodbye.
+Well, back to square one is a major victory in this house, but why did you help me?
+C'mon, tell me!
+Because I actually like you and felt sorry for you.
+What? You did?
+Forget I said anything!
+Sure. I have the ending for my memoir!
+I'm sorry I couldn't help you find your father. If you find him, tell him I can still do this. Yeah.
+Holy moly.
+And tell him to put on a splash of this.
+That's Dad's cologne? I always thought it was his old-man stink.
+When I knew him, it was young-man musk.
+Man, you're making me hot for my Dad.
+Only place in town that still sells Chicory Mist. After people found out it's ninety-eight percent squirrel sweat, they sorta stopped buying.
+Listen, do you know this man?
+Let me ask around. Abe, you seen this guy?
+Oh, I know him. He's a man who has no son!
+Abe, we were so worried.
+Dad, promise me you'll never wander off and make us explore your fascinating past again.
+I didn't wander off, ya big fat salami! I ran away!
+You think I'm boring, and you never visit me, and I got sick of waitin' for ya! So I got a job and found a new dump to live in and I didn't tell you about it, so at least that way I know you're not coming!
+Grampa, we will never miss a visit again. And there'll be a lot more of them.
+And I don't think you're boring. It's just that in today's multi-channel environment, you have too many great choices. Look at Sunday night. There's like eight amazing shows. None of them on Fox.
+Well... when you put it that way... all right. I can't say all is forgiven, but most is forgotten.
+I guess my honky-tonkin' days are over.
+Someone's playing my tune!
+Don't take Grampa's meds!
+I'm payin' for 'em.
+Hey, Abe. Good to see you again.
+Rita! You look dynamite!
+And you look like you could use a good ironing. But I still love you. Take a seat. Yeah.
+MY HEART DOES THE TWO-STEP WHEN YOU WALTZ IN THE PLACE / YEAH, MY TICKER BEATS QUICKER WHEN I LOOK AT YOUR FACE / YEAH YOU'D BETTER CALL THE DOCTOR BEFORE WE EMBRACE!
+That's how wolves die in the wild.
+I GET A JONESIN' IN MY BONES WHEN YOU STRUT ACROSS THE ROOM. / YEAH, MY LIVER STARTS TO QUIVER MY INTESTINES GO BOOM. / BUT TELL THE UNDERTAKER I AIN'T READY FOR NO TOMB!
+YOU'RE THE PENNY IN MY LOAFERS / THE EGG IN MY CREAM / YEAH YOU KNOCK ME OUT / THEN YOU'RE THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS
+Diddily, Diddily, diddily, diddily!
+Asterisk-pound sign-at sign-exclamation point!
+Don't worry. The "Holy Rollers" are still up by one on the "Pin Pals."
+Gentlemen, prepare to meet your various makers there, 'cause we got one last frame by our new anchorman... Dan Gillick.
+Thank God Otto had that psychotic break and quit the team.
+Is this the Bridge to Terabithia?
+It's beautiful!
+The day my Frisbee landed in your yard was the luckiest day of my life...
+And when you threw your son after it, I enjoyed meeting him too.
+He's a good boy.
+Sorry guys, emergency meeting at work.
+Please! I'm missing eight birthday parties for this!
+Just granny-throw it!
+Keep my ball!
+Well, looks like the faithful have defeated a hedonist, a Hindu, and... what are you?
+You know when your dog's havin' a bad dream? That's who I pray to.
+Boys, I'm afraid the government has finally caught up with me, and my appeals are exhausted. Tomorrow I begin serving jury duty.
+/ Tough break, boss.
+Don't sign petitions outside the grocery store no more!
+I felt bad for the guy... sittin' there at his little card table... anyway, I must name a temporary replacement.
+Your temporary Don is... our accountant, Dan!
+Fat Tony? A word?
+How about "meringue?"
+That's a great word, but I'm just a numbers guy. And the only reason I say "numbers guy" instead of "Wharton M.B.A." is 'cause I wanna blend in.
+I know what I'm doing. We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding!
+Hey, listen, everyone, I know a good icebreaking exercise: let's all say something that we are afraid of. For me, it's you guys.
+I'm afraid I might kill this guy right now.
+Ring, ring, is that my phone? I think it is. Hello? Yes sweetie, it's Daddy. Listen, how would you feel if I just disappeared? Sad, right, sad? Okay, you know what, I'll tell the guys. She's crying, guys. Cassidy is crying.
+I hope you feel proud of yourself.
+Cassidy is a girls' name now?
+I know this music! It was a Bugs Bunny!
+What I wouldn't give for an anvil to fall on me.
+Sh! Here comes Lisa's solo!
+A perfect storm?
+This is why I'm a season subscriber!
+When I prayed for this concert to be over, I didn't mean like this!
+Where's the school nurse?!
+Here I am! Budget cuts.
+Lisa, I suspect you fainted because you thought Justin Bieber was in the audience.
+Well, once again, laughter is the worst medicine. Young lady, you're not getting enough iron.
+Please say it's the vegetarianism!
+It's not the vegetarianism!
+It's a little bit the vegetarianism. Lisa, if you must forego meat, I advise you to take these iron supplements.
+It's like swallowing dollhouse furniture!
+Gentlemen, look at what we're spending every month just on olive oil.
+We love our bread dippin'.
+Okay, can't touch the bread dipping.
+Here's what Joey the Arsonist thinks of your spreadsheet!
+This is fun. But you know what -- there is a cost-cutting measure I'd like to propose: if you put a horse's head in someone's bed, don't let the rest of the animal go to waste. For the next guy, use the horse's leg. Or a couple of hooves. Believe me, there's no part of a dead horse that's not gonna scare someone...
+Okay, good stopping point.
+Was that real?
+A kid's never lonely when he has baloney! Except me.
+You're that Simpson kid. Bart, right?
+I just see mouths. Can't handle the iron pills?
+All day I have vitamin burps.
+Try this -- it's what keeps me young.
+Mmm! Tasty! Love the texture. What is it?
+Beetle mush.
+But I'm a vegetarian!
+So am I. Lots of committed vegetarians eat insects.
+Really?
+Get real. There's bug parts in peanut butter. And every year, the average American eats eight spiders in his sleep. It's all here in this book.
+This is such a big step!
+Better decide soon, kid. The Union said I can't talk to a student this long.
+Mm, that is good grub.
+But I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't eat meat.
+And I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't sleep with John.
+So you're saying you'd rather do the prettiest dude in the world rather than the ugliest broad?
+Absolutely. But how did we get here from discussing Aristotle's Poetics?
+Well, well, if it isn't Mr. "Work Comes Before Bowling."
+I am turning my back, because I can't stand to look you in the face.
+Part of my new rice wine promotion.
+So, now you think you can just waltz in here and buy everybody a beer?
+I didn't say that I would...
+Too late, already poured.
+Sorry guys -- I got the kind of job that you just can't play hooky from.
+Well, I have no idea what you do or who you work with, but I am sure if you put your foot down on their throats and grind until you hear a crunch, they'll sit up straight.
+Really? You're sure about this?
+Oh, hey, listen, I've learned a lot about human nature by watching things through secret cameras.
+Uh-huh. All right, then. Okay, we'll see about that bread dipping. Thank you. Thank you for giving me an attitude. Thank you for giving me an edge.
+Or maybe it's groveling that works. Eh, six of one.
+Attention Gourmands of All Things Creepy and Crawly!
+...please welcome long-time squisher, first-time eater, Lisa Simpson. Delighted.
+Hey waiter! There's no fly in my soup!
+Little more... little more... perfect.
+Just once, why can't they go to Applebee's?
+Okay fellas, this time why don't I do the cutting?
+What are you doin'? I talk with that hand!
+Well, you're gonna lose it, if you keep charging your manicures to us! If you don't like it, tough tortellini! And while we're at it, no more tortellini!
+I'm dominating you! Anyone got a problem? Hanh? Kenny the Problem?
+I'm good.
+What's this I hear about no more tortellini?
+Only for Christmas and funerals!
+No, please, please! I need-a the money. She's-a pay for my, how-a you say, "English lessons."
+My name Luigi. I live at a-one, a-two, a-three, Main-a Street.
+So if I'm growing grasshoppers to eat, am I a farmer or a rancher? There are gonna be a lot of heated blogs on this topic.
+Lisa, dinnertime!
+LISA EATS BU-UGS...
+Bart! This is America. Anyone can eat what they want as long as they eat too much.
+Lisa... would you like some shrimp?
+Come on buddy, why would you want to be a murderer?
+You know, shrimp aren't all that removed from grasshoppers. They're both arthropods...
+You did that to help me out!
+Not sure what your motivation for that is.
+Lunch break!
+Make this quick, I finally got a chair by the window. I'm afraid the little Bulgarian lady will take it.
+Bottom line, Tone, I cut expenses twelve percent.
+As my more ruthless cousin on Wall Street would say: cut another twelve!
+But the only other cuts left are personnel! There are redundancies.
+Like Shotgun Pete, Shotgun Mike, Ronnie the Rifle, Shotgun the Rifle...
+All good men, but some must go.
+I agree. I will announce the layoff. Welcome to the dole, boys.
+You jedrool, in our business, you don't lay them off, you lay them out!
+Right. What? Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. You mean, "kill them?" I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout.
+Damn she eats a quick lunch! Gotta go!
+Nice breeze, huh?
+You have breasts like woman, but cannot give suck.
+Quit saying that!
+Get along, little buggies!
+If I may, just one question: why are you eating us???
+You don't feel any pain.
+Who told you that?
+Um... I just assumed?
+This is what you've been dipping in chocolate!
+I'm afraid sooo!
+Oh, thank God! Just a dream!
+I've been meat-walking!
+I don't know. My training, this opportunity... it's like...
+Bart! I can't eat bugs anymore. Please, please, take my grasshoppers as far away as you can and release them into the wild.
+Okay, but when I grow up and I'm living on your couch, and I drink all your booze, and sell your jewelry, you gotta be cool.
+I'll be cool.
+But I will not be sharing my mini-fridge with Homer.
+He's there too?!
+Eh, free is free.
+He wants me to kill them!
+Sorry, sorry. First of all, hi.
+Hi... Dan.
+Secondly, remember when you asked who I worked for, and I wouldn't say? I'm a mob boss! I'm running Fat Tony's gang while he's on jury duty!
+Doodie.
+Homer, that's not the shocking part.
+He wants me to kill a bunch of guys! I've got a gun! Look!
+Oh my God! You want me to help you escape?
+No! I want you to stop me from doing it!
+You wha?
+I want to do it, Homer. It's the ultimate business model!
+In my business I try not be seen. I'm scary good at it.
+Everything's led to this. I remember the first time I fired someone face to face. I cried. I cried! Saved the tear.
+Please stop. I just wanted my Frisbee back from your yard.
+They fired me for not being tough! I had learned that in order to succeed, you must disregard the dangerous distraction of being human. And it brought me here. You scratch a businessman and you get a coldblooded killer. Well I've been scratched!
+This is how I get out of doing the dishes.
+I hate that expression! So overused!
+Okay, I don't, I don't know why I said it... I was scared... I needed a response... it was a perfect storm!
+Say something original!
+Looks like a kidnapping in progress, Chief.
+You always frame everything in the worst possible light.
+Chief, can I ask: why do you want to be a policeman?
+Adrenaline junkie.
+My Dad used to tie me up when the ice cream truck went by. And now there's no amount of ice cream that'll make me feel full. So this should work!
+Yeah! That's right! Tie 'em tighter! Mmm! Oh, that's good! Oh, that burns!
+Could you please not sound like you like it so much?
+Sorry, I'm into a lot of weird stuff.
+Now stay down here and I'll be back every hour with food, and every six hours with food for you.
+Thanks, man! 'Preciate it!
+Aw, look. I have company. Hello.
+Hello to you and your friend. It's a party!
+I'm going to call you Buggy, and I'll call you-- please don't go in my mouth.
+All right, you can go in my mouth, just don't lay eggs...
+We now return to "A.F.I. Presents: the One-Hundred Greatest Movie Screams." Number Sixty... from "Teen Wolf Too"...
+Classic.
+Someone must be watching on another TV.
+The bug!
+I really think that's coming from our house.
+Will you stop saying things that'll make me have to do something?
+Next, we've got three screams from "Scream Three"!
+Homer, pay attention!
+That was four screams! Stupid A.F.I. Boy, never go into their Director's Training Program!
+How 'bout the Disney Minority Program?
+Now how would you qualify for that?
+I'm the son of an oaf.
+Have fun getting coffee for Roy Disney the Third.
+Dinner time! I know you're hungry! I can hear you rubbing your legs together! Oh my God!
+I never thought Homer Simpson would be a part of the Day of the Locust.
+Thanks.
+Now turn around and get on your knees.
+Are you gonna shoot me in the back of the head?
+No. I just know it takes you so long to get up I'll have plenty of time to escape.
+I'll fix that later!
+Your honor, we have reached a verdict.
+Johnny Tightlips. Gimme one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now.
+There's a great one, but you'll never get it outta me!
+On vacation he digs wells in Darfur!
+Dammit!
+We find the defendant...
+And now it's time for final Jeopardy. The category is...
+You think you're so smart, Alex Trebek. I remember when you were Alphonse Trebagoogoo.
+Make me!
+You said we were gonna see somebody get shot!
+...not guilty!
+I'll have your money in an hour.
+How do you keep finding me?
+You really should tweet less.
+Huh? What?
+But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.
+Just listen. If you kill those guys, you'll be as bad as they are.
+I don't think so. They've killed a lot of people. And they tell their wives they're working, but they're really just hanging out.
+Look, just give me the gun before you hurt somebody. Give it to me!
+Aw, I can't kill you.
+I knew you were weak.
+If you think I'm so weak, give me back the gun.
+You are weak, but no.
+Let's see how weak I am with the gun.
+No, I don't want to.
+Give me the gun.
+I don't want to see it!
+You're making me mad and I want, I want to shoot you now! / I don't have to see it.
+Give it to me! / I can imagine it. / Give me the gun! /
+Come on weakling, get it from me.
+I'm not, you wanna, I'm not weak with the gun!
+Yeah, well, yeah, well see who's got it now.
+If I have a gun, I'm not weak at all!
+Well, you ain't so--
+Clean-up on aisle me!
+Okay, Mom. I think that's far enough.
+Finally, a place where you can spread your wings and hop.
+We're free!
+No, no, I'm still gonna figure this out. There was a corner here...
+David...
+Dammit Judy, let me have this!
+So, Tone, you're sure you didn't order those fiduciary-related whacks?
+The important thing is we have severely cut costs by reducing the number of our guns to one. And I have it. Any further questions?
+Can I have the gun?
+What happened to our friend Mr. Gillick?
+I don't know. But once your finger has felt the itch of a trigger, there is no relief till said trigger has been squeezed.
+Sometimes late in life you find your calling. The heft of the gun, the trigger in your hand...
+Can you hurry this up, please?
+My daughter's got cheerleading practice.
+Oh, I can go fast.
+Ba-da BOOM!
+Could you please not do that?
+Is there some kind of problem here? And if not, can you do my bellybutton? Need some place to hang my badge at the sauna.
+It's the World Series, two outs, bottom of the ninth. Yes, we're at the point where baseball becomes mildly interesting.
+Can Homer Simpson, fresh off an anxiety dream about not studying for a high school test, come into this dream and knock one out of the park?
+And who'da thunk it? We're food too!
+And apparently I'm married to a pork chop and have drumstick children. How did that happen?
+We're back...
+The pitcher, Steroid Santa Claus...kicks and deals. It's a long fly ball! Going back! Back!
+And the ball shatters the sky, bringing the ocean itself down into the stadium! Simpson just broke this dream's reality wide open!
+The groundskeepers are trying to put on the tarp, but it turned into a manta ray and stung 'em all. Now we'll be right back after this word from oxygen, which Homer desperately needs to live.
+Homer! The roof is leaking!
+Water's coming in the house, and we've got carpet mushrooms!
+Dad, all the jury summons you buried in the back yard are coming back up!
+While you were out there daydreaming, this rain has ruined the house.
+Marge, in a crisis like this, I need time for quiet contemplation.
+What's wrong, Homer? You've got an expression on your face I ain't never seen before. Like one of them Charlie Brown wiggle-frowns.
+I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too cowardly to leave it. Maybe I could drink myself to death.
+Eh, well, you can't. Your tolerance is too high.
+Man, I've never seen Homer looking this bad.
+You're right. He needs some professional help...
+Ooh, someone is down in the Duff!
+Life is too fragile. One minute you're lying in your hammock drinkin' beer, the next thing you know you're sittin' here drinkin' beer.
+Homer, your bleak outlook has sent a smooth, icy chill down... Screw it, I quit.
+Janette, Cheryl, get your own ride home.
+Aw, come on Chief, I've had a rotten day. Can't you help me out?
+Sorry, I'm afraid the most I can do is pretend to drive you home. Okay, now hop on my imaginary motorcycle... arms around my belly...
+...um, I'm gonna need you to chip in for gas...
+This is where the pretending ends.
+Now what?
+You're coming with us to the school fundraiser.
+Can this day get any worse?
+The dog's got the mumps.
+Dogs can't get mumps.
+Then you explain that.
+The only thing we know is it'll cost eight hundred dollars.
+Willie, I love your chaps.
+Me pants are ripped out!
+I don't care for silent auctions. It just encourages hovering.
+You know you just pushed it up to list price! You know that, right?
+Edna, I'm not one for costumes, but I sure do like that feather in your hair.
+I like how you make me feel good about the littlest things.
+It's just you and me tonight, Buttermilk.
+Whoa. Howdy, pardners, I'm much obliged to y'all for comin' out to the ol' corral here--
+Skinner! People want to get home! Speak regular!
+Fine, we'll start the raffle and skip the things no one wants, like art projects by your children.
+Or a spaghetti dinner...with the Van Houtens.
+So let's get right to the item I'm sure you're waiting for: the latest Mapple MyPad!
+I could do my cyber-bullying on the bus!
+Remember when me gettin' a cell phone was a big deal?
+I bought you a ticket for the MyPad raffle, Dad.
+Aw, that's Tooth Fairy money down the drain, sweetie. I never win anything. It's always some stupid jerk you've never heard of.
+And the winner is...
+Here it comes...
+...Homer Simpson!
+Get him! I mean, woo hoo!
+I just want to say, I was having the worst day of my life.
+Three cheers for Homer, minus the one we gave him already!
+Okay, what else... Free Tibet! You heard me! Free him now! Thank you. Oh, my luck has changed!
+This is Homer Simpson's thirteenth raffle and first win. Apparently, his luck has changed!
+Greetings, I am Steve Mobbs, welcoming you from beyond the grave.
+I left a half-eaten apple outside your store... the greatest tribute of all.
+The product you hold is like a giant expensive smartphone that can't call anyone -- it's that incredible. Now press the submit icon, and agree to buy all our future products. And we're gonna be making a lot of stuff.
+Submit. Submit.
+Submit.
+I don't wanna.
+Or you could buy something from Hewlett Packard.
+I submit! I submit!
+Yes. Yes.
+That adult Etch-A-Sketch certainly has brightened your mood.
+Oh yeah!
+You can look at it this way...or this way...whether you want to or not... and it's got awesome games like "Tapped Out."
+Virtual Stapler!
+Sounds just like a stapler, and it never runs out... unless you tell it to. Here's one that gives ya a cool '70s moustache.
+I'm Sonny Bono. Watch out for that tree!
+So, which do you prefer, m'lady? Tom Selleck, Rollie Fingers or Pringles Man?
+I always thought the Pringles Man had the kindest eyes.
+Are you doing an app behind my back?
+Submit... submit... sub--
+Here ya go, Homer. Boy, y'know, when you're just here alone, I can really smell ya.
+But I'm not alone. I'm doing some Face Time with Lenny.
+It's like I'm skydiving with all my friends! Lemme text Carl.
+So, uh, what are you pullin' the ripcord with?
+Uh-oh. Maybe there's a ripcord app I can use.
+Put that down! We're being audited!
+The old stupid moustache'll win him over.
+I'm really stupid.
+Is that the MyPad you're claiming as a business expense?
+I'm standing by that.
+Simpson!
+Unhand your Edison slate and bring your gold-brickery to a caesura!
+Put down your MyPad and get back to work.
+Sorry, boss.
+Your remonstrances are a welcome boon and surely will redouble my diligence.
+Excellent!
+Awesome!
+Woo hoo!
+Pip pip!
+Hey Dad!
+Dad, check this out!
+Dad, over here!
+Dad, a mother giraffe is giving birth!
+Dad, look, I'm walking on the wall around the lion pit!
+Dad, the baby giraffe is taking its first steps!
+Dad, I'm walking on my hands, and the lions think they're gonna eat me!
+Will you kids pipe down! I'm trying to get "Churro-Chaser" to tell me where the freshest churros are. What country is Mexico in?
+Dad, pay attention to your children!
+Aww. That'll be my screensaver.
+Just my arm.
+Gotcha!
+Why you little...
+Homie, you want to read to Maggie before she goes to sleep?
+A paper-based read-a-majig? What are we, cavemen?
+Sweetie, in the future all you'll need is this.
+Homie... it looks like you're putting all your eggs in one basket.
+What would you have me do? One basket for each egg?
+Hm, I guess you're right. I guess I'll have to scratch that off the list of things I say.
+Now, Maggie let's find a good game for us. Hm, "Krusty's Kosher Karnival"..."Words With Enemies"..."Don't Burn the Toast!", "Lenny Dykstra's Prison Break," ooh, "Pizza Clock"!
+Dough, sauce, cheese, topping. Dough, sauce, cheese, topping. Dough, sauce, cheese, topping! Having fun, Maggie?
+How long have I been playing?
+Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
+So, that's how you make a pizza! Oh, we have really been off-a the mark.
+Dough, sauce, cheese, topping. Dough, sauce, cheese, topping.
+Dohhh! Sauce, cheese, topping!
+Flushy! Go get help!
+Homer, you're gonna be fine. But there's no hope for the MyPad.
+It still had eighty-eight percent of its charge!
+This is the part of the job I hate most. Talking to crazy people.
+Which of you is the YouTube of the kid high on dentist's gas? Is it you? Is it you? Is it you?
+Oh Lord, when things looked darkest, you gave me light. Then you switched it off knowing full well I had declined thy infernal Mapple Care. Please grant me the wisdom to understand your capricious, nasty mind. And please, please make the next swing of the yo-yo an up, amen.
+Everybody hear that?
+Homer! Homer! It's a miracle!
+Keep your pants on, Flanders.
+Oh, I will! Till I go to bed and take 'em off under the covers! But come outside and see the miracle!
+Has the MyPad risen?
+No, it's still where you buried it.
+Here it is. The Holy Ooze.
+This is your miracle? A tree? Ooh, look at me. I turn sunlight into complex sugars. Big whoop.
+Look a little closer.
+Huh. "Hope." Is this one of those coincidences like Jesus on a tortilla or George Washington on a dollar bill?
+Well... I like that its message is in sap and not in blood... like some miracles I could mention. Passover.
+Well, this is how God would send me a message. In my back yard, hammock adjacent, in one short word in large print. What do you think he's trying to tell me, Flanders?
+Well, sir, if you ask me, somebody up there is trying to tell you that whatever flat tires you've got in your life, God's there, with His little spare, that enables you to drive real slow till you get to the next station.
+Don't eat the miracle!
+Fine. I'll just go eat the body of God. That's not crazy.
+Huh. Looks like you're really turning somethin' over in your mind there, Homer.
+Moe, I could believe this was a random occurrence, or I could believe some higher power reached down and squeezed the sap outta that tree. I'm choosin' hope! Moe, a bottle of your finest beer!
+Here you go. Duff Adequate.
+To hope!
+Wow, no one's ever been happy in this place before. And when I started it was Moe's Ice Cream Carnival. Not good.
+Of all the gifts the Lord gives us, perhaps the greatest is hope...
+Uh, excuse me, Reverend, but I'm here to talk about something a little more important: hope.
+But I was just... oh, fine. I can get an early start on mountain biking.
+Hope is here, people, and it's real. It's not just inside the house of God, it's outside the house of me! So come and see the sticky brown truth!
+Hope is all around me!
+As promised: the miracle!
+Really? "Other."
+Cletus! What does that tree say?
+Now, now, let's spell it out like that social worker taught us.
+Huckleberry, Overbite, Picklefoot, Edumacation. Oh! It says "hope"!
+Just like in "Hope Floats," that Sandra Bullock movie I wrote.
+This is newsman Kent Brockman vowing I will debunk this so-called miracle. The idiotic things people believe in. Now! Stay tuned for your lucky Lotto numbers! It's your turn for sure!
+A hundred dollar bill for anyone who will give me the truth behind this so-called miracle tree.
+I'll take your money. The tree's a fraud.
+I just got a hundred! The tree is real! What you got against hope, anyway?
+I bet something disillusioned you as a child.
+This is junior reporter Kenny Brockelstein investigating the stories that kids want to know...
+Mr. Mouse, how come you haven't been in any funny cartoons since nineteen thirty-three?
+I'm on a break, kid. And when I'm on a break, the mouse is dead.
+The mouse was a man. His teeth were yellow, his breath was rancid, my innocence was lost in a plywood castle.
+The castle is plywood?
+Bumblebee Man is moving to Channel Six!
+Adios, ocho! You no pay!
+Uh-oh, he's got his own chimp!
+Señor Chango!
+Teeny's a girl?! Oh, wait. He's just a bottom.
+But I just got this three months ago!
+This is Kent Brockman at the site of the so-called "Springfield Miracle."
+Is the hope tree a miracle? Most decidedly not.
+Flying the Channel Six traffic copter without official clearance and below legal levels, we obtained the following footage:
+As you can see here, a shadowy figure emerges from the darkness and walks up to the tree in the Simpsons' backyard... if we freeze and zoom in on the image, we clearly see the figure holding a syrup bottle, with which he writes the word "hope."
+Supermarket maple syrup. It was no miraculous tree of God... and there is no hope on Evergreen Terrace, just a run-of-the-mill syrup-spraying mystery man. We can add this to the list of... Kent's Closed Cases.
+Would you please get the segments straight?
+Just lose the graphic.
+It was all a hoax!
+Let's burn our hats!
+Hope is dead! Burn our hats!
+Thank God there's no alcohol in this bar or this place would really go up.
+Homie? Aren't you going to come in?
+I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe it's time to call Satan. Is that a two-one-two?
+Don't call Satan! So what if the message wasn't a miracle? The answer isn't in syrup from God or a computer tablet, the answer is that the hope you felt was real.
+Marge, up to now I thought your hair was blue cotton candy, but now I know it's a solid loaf of brain.
+Homie, you have such a way with foods. Let's go inside.
+Who do you think painted the word on the tree?
+No idea. The important thing is that they did.
+Guess it must've been the person who knew I needed hope most of all.
+You know, we've got a new version of that tablet.
+Yeah, that's the kind of thing I do. And yet I still wound up here. As your boss.
+Can I get Christmas off? It's my kid's birthday.
+Bart, stop it! You might fall!
+Oh, he's such a cute little rascal.
+I can see where he gets his good looks.
+What a lucky little boy to get a trip to the park with his grandpa.
+Grampa?!
+Oh my God! Should I call an ambulance? Help! An old man is dying!
+This boy's grandfather is a shriveled-up corn cob, begging for death! I am his father... I can't believe I allowed you to hit on me.
+Beat it, ducks! I'm not old enough to have food for you! I'm sexy! Young and sexy!
+Old man... I'm not an old man... This drawing doesn't think I'm old.
+Don't you, drawing?
+Those aren't our regular donuts! They're huge... with crazy toppings! Gummy worms! Churro chunks! Russian nesting donut!
+Gotta eat the rest!
+They're gone!
+Where did these "Devil Donuts" come from?
+I don't know. The guy who gives the sexual harassment seminars brought 'em in.
+... actually, Carl, there's no workplace-appropriate use for the word "bazooms."
+What about "thunderbags?"
+Get lost, pervs!
+Okay, where did you get these donuts?
+From a guy with a cart. It could be anywhere!
+Nine one one. What is your emergency?
+I'm calling to report... a missing donut cart.
+I'm not seeing anything!
+Can you get any lower?
+But, Chief, the power lines--
+"But, Chief, the power lines." Go lower!
+No, no, nothing, nope.
+I see... devil horns!
+... pitchfork, pointed tail... hooves are... cloven! We have logo, people. We have logo!
+Sorry gents, we're fresh out. I only make one batch a day, and when they're gone, I'm done.
+No more donuts?
+Make more or I shoot!
+I'm not bluffing! Come on.
+What have I become?
+It's not a good feeling when you're saying "what have I become" more than once a day.
+Tell you what... I could give you a sneak preview of a new donut that's still in the R & D phase.
+Beer keg do-nut?
+I would be honored to shake the hand that glazed this.
+I'm Terence.
+Tell me everything about you.
+You're from Portland? I've heard of people being from there.
+Yeah, but Portland just got too played out. The city used to be real. Did you know there are now restaurants there with two locations? Not near my kids.
+Wait a minute, you have kids?! You can't have kids! Look at you!
+You have a fun job, a skull ring and it's not Halloween... and your belt is a seatbelt...
+No one would ever think you're a lame old man.
+You can't let being a dad slow you down. Me and the fam are doing the whole "urban nomad" thing, you know, just looking for an undiscovered city with affordable houses.
+Our houses are the cheapest! The one next to me's been on sale forever! I see them lowering the price every morning when I go out to pee.
+Please. Please rush into this! Please rush into this!
+What a find! Underneath all the ugly renovations, this house has Neutra bones.
+In my house, we found human bones.
+Emily and I have always dreamed of restoring an architectural masterpiece!
+I have a graduate degree in mid-century kitsch!
+Thanks for turning us on to this place, Homer. You're a pretty cool guy.
+Really? I'm... ...cool? Oh, can I man-hug you?
+I don't know how.
+Okay, our first hang-out with the cool new neighbors. I've already "blown them away" -- their words, I assume -- so don't screw it up.
+Relax, kids, just be yourselves.
+Great, Marge, now that's in their heads.
+Hey, this is my armadillo, Chewy. "Mexico" Chewy, not "Star Wars" Chewy.
+"Star Wars" Chewy's just a man in a costume, so he's not scary.
+This is our baby, Corduroy.
+And our son, T-Rex.
+Neighbors, I get it.
+"T-Rex?" Even their names are cool! This is, umm... Ice Cream, Bungee Jump, and... Viral Video.
+Look at these obscure card games! Hey, do you have "Uno?"
+I did when I was uno.
+Check out all these Sergeant Activity dolls!
+No, that's "Combat Jack," the original British doll that "Sergeant Activity" ripped off.
+Fine. You have a weird old version of something. Let's just watch TV.
+Uh, TV? We don't own a TV.
+I didn't know that was an option.
+I think I'm done here. Lisa, go nuts.
+My dad only lets me watch what's on his queue.
+IF I DON'T GET OFF THE CLOUD PALACE I'LL NEVER GET HOME FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW BUT THE TOAD SPIRIT HAS AUNT GINZEE!!!!!!
+"Scientists Prove Cat Heaven Real, Human Heaven Not" That's so sad...
+Those are joke headlines. It's not a real newspaper, it's just satire.
+Oh... satire.
+And these fake movie reviews are so mean, it's hilarious.
+Oh, those are real.
+Great paper.
+Maggie's a little hungry.
+Oh, you can go ahead and feed her. Corduroy could probably use a snack.
+That's not applesauce...
+Oh, you don't have to be uncomfortable around another nursing mom. Breastfeeding's just a healthy thing we all do.
+It sure is! There's nothing more natural than... that. It's just that Maggie's already... milked me today!
+Homer, I think we should go. We're not like these people.
+Check out my new look!
+Terence shaved my head!
+You're all bald!
+No, I'm young person "cool" bald, not old person "sad" bald. I never want to see these again.
+Check it out, Flanders, us cool dads are sharing a mono-yard. Guess I can't be your best friend anymore.
+To be honest, that comes as a tremendous relief.
+Boo hoo hoo, you can cry all night. It's not gonna win me back.
+I can finally compost!
+Maybe we shouldn't rush things with the new neighbors. You know, we might not all be a perfect match.
+I have a plan to deal with that. Step one: change everything about ourselves until we are super cool, the end.
+But I always thought you were cool.
+This guy's going on my "Poser Tumblr."
+Honey, I'm not cool. I was never cool. I didn't go to college. Every CD I have I bought at a carwash. Black-and-white films make me angry. I can't pronounce "artis-anal." I only know David Cross from the Chipmunks movie. Not only do I like Van Halen, but I think they keep getting better...
+But if me and my kids do the same stuff as Terence and his kids, I could be a cool dad.
+Well sweetie, if it's that important to you, I guess we can try.
+Thanks, baby. Here, have a bracelet made of a seventies educational film strip.
+Ooo! Hygiene!
+Your father took you to a Korean gangster film festival?
+Yeah it was great! This one guy was part of another guy's gang, I mean "kkangpae," but then he quit and joined another kkangpae, and when the guys in the first kkangpae found out, they were so mad they put his feet in a blender. Then they cut to a guy eating noodles and blood splashed on him!
+At the art walk we walked into a gallery and it was just a guy crying -- that was the art!
+The kids are a mess! You brought them home exhausted and pretentious!
+No, we need to take kids to grownup stuff. That's Terence's parenting style--
+Parenting shouldn't have a style! Parenting is about bedtimes and passwords on computers and complicated punishments you never follow through on! Are you wearing a wallet chain?! You look like... a barista!
+Well, you won't be laughing when you see how many pickpockets this thing catches.
+And what's with the scarf? It's soaked in neck sweat.
+Wearing scarves in non-scarf weather is the essence of cool. The. Essence.
+Oh man, my goatee has barely come in. Why does my hair only grow in twos?
+I hope T-Rex likes the present I made him.
+Made? Why didn't you just buy him a toy?
+Homemade presents are how cool families demonstrate how awesome they are. If I show up with a "toy" from the "store," like we would give "our kids," then I've failed! And these skinny jeans will have flattened my junk for nothing!
+Geez, is this a kid's birthday party or the place a bad guy kidnaps you to in a movie?
+Yeah, this factory used to make blimp tires.
+T-Rex loves decaying industrial-scapes.
+I used to. Now I'm into abandoned ethnic union halls.
+Come on dude, this party rocks! Love the temporary tattoo station!
+Uh, temporary?
+I want kitty whiskers!
+You got it!
+There's gotta be a bounce house around here somewhere. At least maybe a piñata...?
+Holy areole...
+Please, join our milk circle.
+I'd love to, but Maggie's a little shy...
+Don't worry, you can use a nursing apron.
+Play along! Ooh, this couldn't feel more natural. Glug, glug, glug. That's a good little mammal.
+A bottle! / Plastic! / Formula!
+That is so wrong!
+Fine! I admit it, you... nipple Nazis! I give my baby formula!
+It's okay. If you don't want to breastfeed your baby... we will.
+Stay back! You know I'll use this... because you saw me using it.
+Huh, 1950s Pontiac Accordion Camera. I could always use another one of these. Bowling shoes. Not vintage, but you know, in a pinch...
+"Dino-Cool." Oh, I get it -- a T-Rex for the T-Rex. How long did it take him to think of that one?
+Hey! My dad worked really hard to make that. He took a class to learn denim painting!
+This is so pathetic I can't even wear it ironically ironically.
+No one bad-mouths my dad except me!
+Your son attacked mine! You've turned this former slaughterhouse into a place of violence!
+I thought it made blimp tires!
+Yeah, like factories are never repurposed.
+It's time for you guys to leave.
+Are we still on for midnight bike riding?
+Feeling included is life's greatest joy!
+Oh ohhhh boy, oh oh oh oh boy, oh boy.
+Have you been "oh boy"-ing all night?
+O-o-o-ooooh booooyyyyy... We had the family version of a bromance going with our awesome neighbors, and you had to screw it up.
+Look. That kid threw your present in the garbage, and he called you a poser and everyone laughed!
+He called me... a poser?
+Yeah, I was sticking up for you.
+You? Sticking up for your old man? You've never done that before.
+Also, I didn't want to tell you, but... that wife and her gang looked down on me because I don't breastfeed!
+What? No one judges my wife's thunderbags! Well maybe I was wrong about these people. Who ever thought a cool person could be a jerk?
+They can goatee... hell!
+Yeah, that's right, the friendship between the Simpsons and the whatever-your-last-name-is-es-es is over!
+I want my moustache stencils back.
+Fine. Keep 'em. But you have to give back... Lisa?!
+I just thought if we got together we could change the channel from "The Feud Network" to "Comity Central."
+Could we at least agree to both hate Flanders?
+I like him. He talks in rhyme and owns a whimsical store in a failing mall. He's like the dad in a Wes Anderson movie.
+Shut up with your names!
+Well, we were just questioning the parenting that led to Bart not using his words with Tyrannosaurus.
+Parenting? Let me tell you "cool parents" something. Parents are supposed to be lame... so their kids have something to rebel against... by becoming cool just long enough to get married and have kids -- for whom they are lame! It's nature's way!
+When you're old, your tattoos will be saggy and illegible!
+Well, at least I don't put a corporate chemical cocktail into my child's body!
+See, see what I'm dealing with here, Ned? We invited them here, and they repay us with insults and judgments.
+Yes, but there's two sides to every--
+Even Flanders agrees! This is our neighborhood. We were here first, so you should leave.
+We're not going anywhere. Our house just got written up in "Dwell."
+Oh no, it's true!
+When I humblebrag about this article... this town's about to get as popular as toe-sneakers.
+The us-types are coming.
+Class, say hello to your new music teachers... "The Decemberists."
+Now, who wants to learn a song about press-gangs and infanticide?
+Stupid town... at least I've still got Moe's... although probably not, seeing where this is going...
+What happened here?
+I don't know. Everything crappy about this place they like! Even the rats!
+More manchego, Aziz?
+Oh, Marge, it's bad.
+For me, that's a perfect day!
+The cool people are everywhere! Somehow they've even made the weather rainier!
+I brought these people to Springfield... and now they've taken over!
+It's a hellhole!
+Disco Stu has found a new thing!
+What happened to our town? Everybody wears clothes from the past and uses computers from the future!
+Where can I buy spats?
+Apu's House of Spats.
+Hey, better not attack me again -- my mom gave me a salvaged police whistle. We had to replace the ball but everything else is stock.
+Ah relax, I'm over it. Why aren't you at the block party?
+Block parties are lame.
+Why do you think everything's lame?
+I don't know... I don't get a lot of sleep. I was out really late at an all ages burlesque show. Sorry I was mean to your dad.
+That's okay, he is pretty lame. Hey... wanna watch TV?
+Real TV? With commercials?
+Terrible commercials!
+But I'm supposed to turn the compost!
+Screw that, it's Krusty time.
+Okay, you win. We don't have to be friends, but can we live on the fringes of your world? Like those eels that eat whale poop?
+Yeah, uh... we'll talk about it...
+That's how we say "no."
+What's that smell?
+Unturned compost and... Cuban movie posters!
+That's our house!
+If the flames reach my donut oil, the whole neighborhood will go up!
+Dammit! The community garden's using all the water pressure!
+You just had to have local radishes!
+Not now, Emily!
+C'mere, little buddy.
+Stop your trendy arguing! I'm trying to call the fire department!
+Sorry, our old-timey fire bell spooked the horses, and they ran away.
+Your organic, all-natural lifestyle has doomed us all!
+Then to save us... we need something incredibly unnatural!
+Fifty gallons of baby formula will put out that blaze.
+The net of scarves and wallet chains is holding!
+They're necessary! They're necessary!
+They're finally necessary!
+I'm sorry we judged you, Marge. Your formula saved us all.
+I guess I do feel a little bad about not breastfeeding my kids... except Lisa. I breastfed Lisa for nine months.
+I did it! I did it! I man-hugged!
+Daddy, daddy, I want to go to Krustyburger with Bart and get a Laffy Meal! 'Cause each Laffy Meal comes with a different toy, and I gotta collect 'em all!
+Check it out, the New York Times travel section just named Springfield "America's Coolest City."
+That means Springfield is... played out.
+Please, please take me with you! I am one of you! I understood all your references!
+No matter where you go... I will find you!
+Nuclear energy was a craft before it was a science.
+I mean, what's wrong with the old ways?
+When uranium came from a stream...and atoms were split by hand...then transformed into the kind of electricity that illuminated not just our homes, but our souls as well?
+Who decided that the electrons we produce can't stand for something greater?
+Milhouse?!
+Sure, handmade electricity costs more and powers less... but maybe that's the point.
+The adventure begins!
+Welcome to the Montgomery Burns Prize rewarding "excellence" in the field of alternative energy. Local inventors are vying for a million-dollar stipend donated by C. Montgomery Burns...as part of a court settlement for causing one billion dollars of environmental damage.
+Shoo! Go have one of your enormous litters!
+First inventor: you, bus driver! Give us the gist of your terrible idea!
+Well, I've harnessed the ancient power of slavery to run this school bus of tomorrow.
+Whose boy is this?
+I'll take him home.
+You'll take his place!
+I would like to present my Kwik-E-Smart perpetual energy machine.
+Three years ago, I tripped over the cord.
+But the hotdogs -- they kept rolling. Some say they're powered by decaying nitrates, others by tiny insects beneath the hotdog skins.
+Hard to believe I once turned down a job in Tampa, Florida because I believed in this city.
+That was fifteen years ago! They wouldn't take you now!
+Is anyone here an actual scientist?
+Uh, yes, I have on occasion dabbled in the scientific arts.
+Frink Labs, a division of Allied Frink, the Good-Glavin people, are proud to present the Frinkasonic M.H.V.
+And what, pray tell, is M.H.V.?
+Ah, yes. It's the Moyvin-Hoyvin Vehicle. This non-magnetic babe magnet is powered entirely by, you guessed it, sound waves.
+Ah yes, you see? Your quite appropriate oohs and aahs are propelling me forward. It's wonderful.
+Slightly more enthusiasm than I had anticipated.
+For the love of God, step on the brakes!
+The brakes are powered by silence!
+Look out because of the zooming! Why is it ejecting? It's just a normal seat!
+I'm okay! I'll just go live with my son!
+Hurry up! I want to get Grampa back here by three so we can get him and Maggie on the same nap schedule.
+I've labeled all his boxes!
+Well, I can't pick up something this heavy without my lifting belt.
+You know you can't lift your lifting belt without wearing your belt-lifting-belt!
+Oh no! I won't be able to help you pack up Grampa!
+Fine. Just stay here and hold down the fort.
+Hold down the fort?! With my bad back?!
+Man, that keyboard playing cat is so cute.
+"Villageville. Build your own authentic medieval village." I must have something better to do.
+And ca-lick!
+Finally, a woodcutter that will do what I tell him.
+Holy moley! He's already made a clearing! Let's go for a glade!
+Just call me DeForest Kelley. I gotta write that down and send it to Conan.
+Move this here. Tap. Mill! Mill! Barn! Silo! Tavern-tavern-tavern-tavern-tavern-tavern! Brothel. Parsonage! Theater In The Round! And... hay pile...
+And the Lord saw what he had made, and it was good.
+That's right, your Lord sticks his hand in his pants. And yes, it is the same hand I tapped you with.
+Well, if I've learned anything, it's that you can't have too much iron ore.
+Maybe one of your tavern wenches can do the laundry.
+You're back!
+Did you spend this whole time doing fake chores in a fake village?
+It's real to them!
+Um... where's Santa's Little Helper?
+I don't know -- the back yard?
+The back yard?! But what if he got out through your half-completed tunnel to Flanders's fridge?
+I don't see him anywhere. You jackass! You lost our dog!
+Oh my God. I forgot to feed my jackass!
+Hank-hew!
+You're hel-come!
+Santa's Little Helper! Santa's Little Helllper!
+I love that dog, but that is one long, stupid name.
+What the hell?
+Oh, right.
+The animal shelter hasn't had any greyhounds turned in. Just a dachshund, a chow, and a pregnant raccoon.
+A lot of good backups. How pregnant is the raccoon?
+We don't want a raccoon.
+Good, Marge. Get their price down.
+Dad, I just noticed something: you're not upset enough about this.
+Hey, Lisa's right. You're the only one who hasn't cried about the dog.
+Not a crier.
+What?! You cry all the time! You cried when they canceled that show you hated.
+Goofing on it made me feel wise!
+He's alive!
+And he didn't pee on the floor!
+Prep, prep, prep...
+Dad, why'd you shut our dog in a cabinet?
+I'll answer that: your father's an idjit!
+I believe the word is idiote.
+How did Santa's Little Helper get in there?
+I know what must have happened:
+I'm gonna get a snack. But first... should I introduce the black plague? What could be the harm?
+Whoa, now I've gotta buy a corpse wagon. That's how they getcha.
+It's amazing how many things they can make taste like cheese.
+Oh yeah, baby, I'm drinking you down to your knees.
+GONNA DRINK AMMONIA / 'CAUSE IT TASTES LIKE CHEESE / WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN...
+A minstrel has composed a roundelay mocking me?! Torture, torture, torture!
+Well, it's time we showed this dog some love!
+Hey Homer, how come you're not hugging the dog?
+He knows I love him. And he loves me.
+That's short for "Rrright you are!"
+I don't think you even like Santa's Little Helper!
+You never take him for walks or sleep with him in your arms. And I suspect you've been chewing on his treats.
+How are they his treats if I paid for them?
+Okay, okay. I'll be nicer to the dude. I've just never really been a dog person.
+Really? What about Bongo?
+Bongo?! I told you never to ever talk about Bongo!
+What just happened? Who's Bongo?
+Bongo was Homer's dog when he was a boy.
+He's still my dog!
+We got him years ago...
+I don't know what you just said, but it's wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!
+Five-hundred!
+I was workin' long hours...
+...at the Springfield Smokestack Factory.
+I was so tired when I got home. Then little Homer would start crying and crying. But Bongo knew just what to do.
+Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.
+You have a story with an ending?!
+Uh-huh. All my stories have endings now. They're putting something in my Jell-O down at the home. Anyway, Homer and that dog went together like Christmas and suicidal thoughts.
+Then came the fateful day when Mr. Burns was lobbying for the go-ahead on his nuclear plant...
+...and he was giving away stuffed "Isotoads" to all the children.
+Cancer clusters are random occurrences.
+Uh, sir, you are aware you're at a P.R. event for children.
+Well then I'll be a spokesman for my people, like Ralph Abernathy.
+Ralph, I like that name.
+Have a toy, don't thwart my ambition... Look, they even talk!
+Those toys are people bribes, you good-hearted little brat!
+He bit me!
+Bring in the clown!
+Hey-hey! So, Lady Godiva gets a haircut, right, and... Kids?! No problem. I'll just cut to my clean material. Farmer's daughter, no... A man from Nantucket, no... Bring out the monkey!
+Next time I'm getting a smaller monkey.
+All right!
+So Mr. Burns wanted to kill Homer's dog. Homer had no idea -- he was so innocent and chubby. 'Course now, he's just stupid and fat.
+Huh? Oh, right. Little Homer didn't know it...
+...but Burns had unleashed the local dog catcher to bring Bongo in.
+This was before the day of safety seats and coming to a complete stop to let your child get in.
+When God closes a door, he opens a gun shop.
+Wait. How could you know what Herman said? You were driving away.
+He wrote a memoir.
+Anyway...
+Mmm. Smell them sausages, Lou!
+Are you sure the Big Brother Program couldn't find me anybody else?
+Yeah, well you were my last pick too. Okay?
+I'm a wash-out as a dog catcher. What do I do now?
+Well, my dream is to be Police Chief.
+Oh no, you can't 'cause, um, that's my dream! I'm gonna be Chief of Police!
+Get in -- quick!
+Son, I've got an idea.
+That's a stupid idea. Holding cups are what thighs are for. Now, hang on tight!
+Man, this story is filling in a lot of gaps.
+But I wanna know about Dad and his broken heart.
+Your father's lost a lot in his life, his hair, his mother, more games of Monopoly than any man ought... he'd go to jail and stay there 'cause he loves the easy life. But I think losing that dog was the toughest blow of all.
+I knew that Bongo would have a good home there, and Burns would never find him.
+Well, let's get this dog in.
+I had to tell my boy we were giving away his dog for good. I wasn't sure if a six-year-old could even understand the concept.
+Turns out, he caught on pretty quick.
+Your father was devastated.
+Women and their crying...
+Finish the damn story. I've got a hockey game tonight.
+When I finally got back to the house...
+That's not a flavor!
+Remember our old neighbor Miss Viola? Well, she moved to the country, where there was no limit to how many pets one single lady could own.
+Now son, a lot of people are cuckoo till you need something from them.
+Simpson! Release your hound!
+I'm a powerful man, Simpson! I can walk into McDonalds, order soup and they'll make it!
+I had to take care of his hounds for a year.
+I tried to wear a bite-proof suit, but those Satanic Snoopys always found their way in.
+But the hardest part was that my son was so angry with me.
+Our relationship never recovered, and no amount of ignoring the problem could ever fix it.
+Grampa, why is the saddest story you ever told the only one that's ever made sense?
+It doesn't make sense to me!
+I happen to remember it just a little differently.
+Well, tell us your version.
+Now granted, I was just a kid, but I say...
+Everything's a flavor in the kitchens of today!
+Go on! Get! I got a bug zapper and I ain't afraid to use it!
+Back to sleep, son!
+No! Breaking a man's spirit. Mine.
+Is that sugar water I smell?
+Well, I'm afraid I already told my dogs they could tear yours apart. Don't make me look into those pitiless black eyes and say, "Daddy didn't bring you a friend-friend to rip-rip!"
+Dropping a horse on a church?
+Well I guess I could always drop a horse on a church afterward... fine.
+Grampa always hated Bongo and loved money so he sold Bongo to a wicked farm witch just so he could hang out with a bunch of rich dogs and kidnapped Santa so I'd never get the toy I actually wanted--
+And then... and then wha... and then what happened... what... gee, my story doesn't make much sense except the Santa part.
+Yeah, but at least it was short.
+Wait. Wait. There's one part of the story even Grampa didn't know about: a few months later, I went to rescue Bongo...
+Hendrix! C'mere, boy!
+But, there was one thing I wasn't prepared for...
+Bongo was happy. Without me. He had become her dog.
+Oh Homie. I'm so sorry.
+Well, that's just the way dogs are. The most disloyal unfaithful creatures God ever made.
+Homer, maybe you should take a look at this.
+A Christmas card I got from Miss Viola years later.
+He still has my sweatshirt.
+Bongo didn't forget you. Unlike those gerbils of yours we gave away years ago. Oh, they were fickle as hell.
+Bongo didn't forget you. Unlike those gerbils of yours we gave away. They were fickle as Hell.
+Oh my God, Dad... I owe you an apology. You saved Bongo. I never understood that till now.
+All these years I thought you loved that dog more than me.
+Why would you think that, just because I put you in a home where they feed you dog food?
+Aw, give me a hug, son.
+Okay, but I'm a little out of practice.
+Hold your arms like you're carrying a wedding cake!
+What flavor?
+It doesn't matter!
+If it doesn't matter, then I call Snickers.
+Just hug already!
+C'mon, boy. Time to go to bed.
+My dog.
+All right, Homer. It's your moment. But he's mine tomorrow.
+More tea, sir?
+No. Any word from Karl Rove?
+Sir, despite what he's been telling you, it's over. Romney lost.
+Dammit! I guess it's time I explain, to these good people, the upcoming...
+Fiscal cliff.
+Think of the economy as a car and the rich man as the driver. If you don't give the driver all the money, he'll drive you over a cliff. It's just common sense. Furthermore, rich people feel things more deeply than the common man.
+And we've got to change our approach to immigration. I have a progressive proposal to let into this country, two hundred grimy Irishmen a year. I've got lots of potatoes that need peeling and stables to be mucked out.
+Sir, the Insta-polls are in. You're just digging yourself deeper.
+Well then let me just say this: Marco Rubio es un pañuelo rosa!
+I'm afraid you just made things even worse.
+How? Why?
+You just said "Marco Rubio is a pink handkerchief."
+This public service announcement is over!
+Execute the cameraman!
+"Learn Zone?" Mom, you said we were going someplace fun.
+Yeah, Mom, you promised!
+Homer, I told you, don't call me "Mom."
+Sorry, Mrs. Simpson.
+This isn't the learn zone. Darn it, it's a fun place!
+For maximum safety, all children must wear anti-kidnapping bracelets.
+Is this a kid you'd pay ransom for?
+Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
+Feed it to the dog.
+You'd have to wrap cheese around it.
+Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog!
+Where do they go?
+Welcome to the Mormon Church! America's most respectable cult!
+Keep an eye on the kids, Homer.
+Can't I keep an eye on that kid? He's fabulous.
+Bart and Lisa.
+It's always my kids.
+Where'd they go?
+Almost... holy moley...
+What the--? Ooh, it's hopeless.
+What's hopeless?
+Who the hell are you?
+Dad! / Come up! / Pretty please! / Come up!
+Absolutely not! My adult frame is simply too large. No! Never! Fine! Here I come!
+Crawling... so painful...
+...duck walk... infinitely worse...
+Only wanted... to be fun...
+Sh, sh. Shhhhh. Soon you'll know peace.
+I made it, kids! I am king of Learning-ton Castle!
+We tricked you! / Eat Nerf, Homeboy!
+Real matuuure!
+Ralphie! Shoes.
+What cool kid thing's in here?
+No kids. That's what's cool.
+I have a phone! It's very tiny!
+Ain't no shame in bein' poor, boy. What's pitiful is if you is ignorant.
+Is these mice pillows here for the takin'?
+I hate working here. At least at Krustyburger you could burn yourself and go home.
+Unauthorized child departure. Lockdown mode initiated.
+Another stupid kid got out. I can't tell the manager -- I am the manager. Duh!
+We're locked in!
+These "lasers" are nothing more than colored lights!
+Calm down, everyone. Calm down. I'm sure they'll have us out of here soon.
+Until then, why don't we bond by sharing our child birth experiences.
+The nurses were so great. / My husband held my hand the whole time. /
+See? All you need to get through a crisis is a little friendly conversation. Betcha the dads are doing the same thing!
+The sneeze guard is broken! There is no law!
+Oh, I just came here to pick up my daughter. But now I'm gonna kill you all!
+Don't forget your jacket, sweetie.
+Get out of there, you!
+Butter.
+Round and round. Round and round.
+Freedom!
+Let's get out of here! / Come on!
+Apes... deep down we're all savage apes. Leave your body, Homer.
+What the hell was that?
+You've been through a traumatic experience. Are you sure you wanna go to work today?
+Well, I've taken eight months off. It's time to get back on the horse.
+Hey, neighbor, your welcome mat's lookin' a little dusty.
+Mind if I come over and sweeten your greetin'. Sweeten your greetin'! SWEETEN YOUR GREETIN'!
+Three Neds are better than one!
+I hate to be a nag, but this is my real head.
+I guess despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner, like a racially-diverse street gang on a network cop show.
+My friend, you just experienced W.R.O.L. first hand.
+Hey, hey! Read the sign, pal.
+"No acronyms!" And that goes for the rest of you, too!
+Okay, okay.
+In this bar we say "Old Kinderhook!"
+What's W.R.O.L.?
+It means "without the rule of law." Anarchy. The end of civilization. Coming soon to an America near you.
+America can't collapse! We're as powerful as ancient Rome!
+Take a look at this.
+The modern world. An inexorable march of progress.
+Or is it?
+We're slaves to the system. Close the supermarket, and we starve. Cut off the tap, we drink our cat's blood.
+Who will survive in this new world?
+The man who is prepared.
+Oh my God! This unsourced, undated video has convinced me beyond any doubt!
+And I'm the guy you wanna know when the stuff hits the fan.
+Hey, man. No need to almost swear.
+Come with me.
+Well, Homer's gone. Let's all go into our suspended state till he gets back.
+Homer, meet the Springfield Preppers.
+Preppies? Oh, I hate you guys! Always partying on deck with your Docksiders while us townies are scrubbing the bilge!
+Not "preppies," "prepp-ers." But I like your hatred.
+It's based on nothing!
+That's super. Now Homer, what would you do in the case of an E.M.P.?
+Electromagnetic pulse.
+A burst of radiation that knocks out every electrical system in the country.
+I'd slash my wrists! But how, without my electric knife?!
+There is an alternative to suicide.
+I can't conceive of any.
+We can teach you the skills you need to survive any crisis.
+All we ask is that you keep your prepping secret. We won't have room for all the unprepared.
+Don't worry. I am very good at keeping secrets.
+Impending doom...
+Whatcha reading, Dad?
+Honey, everything's fine. There's nothing to worry about.
+When grownups say that, it means there is something to worry about.
+Just go play your saxophone while you can.
+What does that mean?
+Secrets? I have no secrets! Just enjoy this golden time you will soon cling desperately to the memory of. Smell some bread!
+When things go south, the "sheeple" will clean out every supermarket in town.
+Typical sheeple.
+Are you eating my grain?
+That was a five-pound bag!
+Yeah, but I'll go home, weigh myself, and I'll have gained six pounds. What's that about?
+Hey, Dad. Are we going camping?
+I guess an open garage isn't the best hiding place.
+What's up? Going crazy again?
+I wish. Son, the best way to explain this is to show you some age-inappropriate movies.
+So, what have you learned so far from our post-apocalyptic movie marathon?
+Guys who call themselves "preacher" or "deacon" are very bad. Water is money unless gasoline is money. And even though lots of things are razor-sharp, no one ever shaves.
+Hollywood has taught you well, my son. Now let's push "play."
+Now the Ice Bishop of Beverly Hills will teach you the true meaning of cold!
+I have come from a place where the land is warm and the only ice is made by machines called... fridge-ra-torrs.
+Fridge-ra-torrs! Fridge-ra-torrs!
+Fridge-ra-torr!
+Aren't they just saying "refrigerator?"
+Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.
+Here it is, Homer. The Springfield Preppers' top secret Bug-Out Retreat.
+Wow. Your end of the world is better than my during the world.
+Homer, we all know America's collapse is about three months away.
+Six weeks at most.
+There's always one alarmist. Anyway, when the Four Horsemen ride, we want you and your collaterals right here with us.
+Aw. Uh, listen, I've gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because in a pinch you could make candles from my fat?
+Well, that is a big part of it.
+It's okay. I know what I am.
+I can't find all our cereal, crackers, juice boxes, the butter brush...
+Um... a lot of that stuff must've got lost in the move.
+What move? We haven't moved! What's going on?!
+I want to tell you but I promised to keep it a secret.
+You can't have secrets from your wife!
+It's very late in the marriage to tell me that.
+I've hidden all our supplies behind a fake wall.
+I thought the basement looked cleaner.
+See? These are our bug-out bags. In here is everything we need to survive.
+Survive what?
+The looming kablooey.
+It's reassuring to see you're aware of the future. But this is all a little... creepy.
+Creepy? Marge, the apocalypse is coming. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe never, but it's coming... and soon.
+I'm going to bed.
+There's no handle on this side!
+The one thing I couldn't prepare for.
+Uh, this here's my snack chips. Some cheese puffs. Those are doodles, I'll eat anything orange except an orange.
+And that's how you deliver a baby calf with a bathroom plunger.
+Now everybody talks guns and ammo but survival really comes down to who has the most shelf paper.
+An E.M.P.!
+You know what that means!
+Hand scissors.
+All electronics in Springfield have been disabled. Even the musical greeting cards.
+This is it -- bug-out time. Everyone but us is doomed. I am so jazzed.
+Mr. Mayor, what is your administration doing to ensure there is no panic?
+I don't know -- what is your administration doing?
+There you have it. A town without rules, without leadership, without television. This is Kent Brockman, talking to himself.
+Marge, this is it! TEOTWAWKI!
+The end of the world as we know it?
+Uh-huh, where's the kids?
+Lisa and Maggie are downstairs, and Bart's in his room with Milhouse.
+Boy, get in the car. And say goodbye to your best friend forever.
+Bye forever, Milhouse!
+See ya, Bart!
+This is my daughter. She brings the gift of music to the new world.
+Is that sax alto or baritone?
+Baritone.
+This is gonna be a lonnng apocalypse.
+Ay carumba.
+Ay carumba indeed.
+Dad, how are we supposed to spend the rest of our lives here? We're already bored.
+Here's something to pass the endless time. Write down which celebrities were rumored to be gay for future generations.
+Yes, sir.
+Society will not have to start from square one.
+Homie, I never thought we'd turn our backs on our loved ones at the first hint of trouble.
+Marge, when I started prepping for the end of the world, everyone laughed at me.
+No one was laughing. You kept it a secret!
+Well, just because I imagined it doesn't make it any less true. And now all those people are on their own.
+How can you call yourself a Christian?
+If Jesus had a gun he'd be alive today.
+Homer Simpson! When I fell in love with you, it was because of your big heart and your good looks. But some day those good looks are gonna fade.
+Soon we'll be approached by people who haven't prepared. Now, do not look at their faces. That can trigger "feelings" and "emotions," which have no place in Civilization 2.0: Rise of the Weirdos.
+I'm proud of you. Society may have crumbled, but our decency hasn't.
+I may have solved that problem. This rifle scope I modified makes any human face look dangerous and threatening.
+Why do we have to shoot them at all?
+Are you that good with a knife?
+No! I want to help the people who didn't prepare!
+Boom. Boom.
+What'd you shoot me for?
+You were thinking I'd gone mad with power, weren't you?
+I wasn't, but I am now!
+Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom...
+Oh God, now what?
+Every time you wake us up early in the morning, it's either church or we have to change our identities.
+Don't be silly, "Mary Ellen."
+Now we're going to leave this place. I'm sorry, Bart -- I know you've made a bug-out camp girlfriend...
+I've got to be honest with you. It was just a bag of rice I drew a face on.
+White rice or brown?
+I never noticed.
+Good boy.
+So we'll take these supplies back to Springfield where they're needed most.
+You're a good man, Homer Simpson.
+You said you cut the wires to the alarm!
+Hm. I cut the wires to something.
+Okay, everybody, keep your eyes peeled for an unlit mile post marked twenty-three of thirty-six or something. If we miss it, we're dead.
+Dad, there are lights following us!
+How can that be? I took every last can of gas!
+Now, everyone relax and pretend we're about to be hit by a soft brick wall.
+Out of our way, corn! The starving people of Springfield are desperately in need of our delivery of canned corn, corn flakes, and flash frozen corn nibblets.
+Now to save these sorry souls from a life of anarchy, starvation, and having sex for procreation.
+Everything's normal. The world didn't end.
+Dad, you said people would be drinking each other's blood.
+You got to watch a VHS copy of "Red Dawn" thirteen times. Stop complaining.
+What happened with the E.M.P.?
+Only Springfield lost power, you see, and after a few days, it came back. Maybe a little bit brighter.
+And the spirit of neighborly cooperation broke out as if all the weird angry people had left.
+Then society didn't crumble? The zoo animals weren't eaten?
+No, well, a couple.
+This non-disaster is a catastrophe!
+Are you really so disappointed the world didn't end, just so you could be proven right?
+No, no. It's just that in the new world I would have been... a big shot.
+Well, not for long. Me and the others were planning to overthrow you and seal you in a cave.
+Yeah, but what you didn't know was I was gonna poison all your drinking water.
+Which is why I'm only drinking my own urine.
+Guys, can't you see that even an imperfect society is better than the savagery of creating a new one? I for one am glad we're stuck with civilization and I think we will be for a long, long time.
+I'm hungry.
+Look, you can have potato chips now, or if you wait ten minutes you can have all the brains you can eat.
+I want both.
+Children, we can no longer afford to use anything electric. However, we will still be able to watch today's film thanks to the magic of potato power. Ha!
+The proctors are here!
+And in retrospect, city officials regret holding the gang truce negotiations at Santa's Village. In other news, we're about to go live to Mr. Burns' announcement of his annual rate hike -- Springfielders are about to find out how much their electricity bills will go up.
+I'm being told that Mr. Burns is approaching the lectern now... Apparently there are a few stairs he's struggling to climb... He's up the stairs but is now being buffeted by the breeze... And they've put some rocks in his pocket and... we're ready to go.
+To decide how much your electricity bills will rise, I've assembled a team of distinguished economists...and placed plausible rate hike percentages on their backs.
+Now we will use unfettered free market principles to arrive at a number. Release the hounds!
+Notice how the Keynesians climb trees while the Austrian school economists hide under rocks.
+That is fascinating.
+And there you have it, folks -- rates will rise a healthy seventeen percent. And now, to help you disperse...
+Let me guess. You're gonna release the hounds again.
+Oh, don't be silly. Release the radioactive steam!
+I know it's a kids show, but I've gotta see you topless.
+This isn't your dressing room!
+I know. But the monkey's got a girl in my dressing room.
+The decision to pull the plug is never easy, but with electricity so expensive now...
+Do I get a vote?
+That's just air escaping his lungs.
+We can keep the shrimp de-veiner though, right?
+I'm afraid not.
+And this goes too.
+Good riddance. When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.
+Sometimes Y: The Story of a Vowel That Goes Both Waaaays.
+Emergency meeting in the faculty lounge. B.Y.O.B.
+Well, class, I don't mind leaving you because one of you is my spy.
+You said you weren't gonna tell! Oh wait, you didn't. So no one knows who the Milhouse is.
+The school is broke! I had to sell all the trombone mutes!
+Why did I sell one to Nelson?
+Sounds better than half the kids in the band.
+So does a leaf blower. Look, the district can't afford to keep every school open. So all the kids will take a standardized test, and whichever school scores the lowest will be closed forever.
+So you're saying if our kids don't pass this test, you're shutting down Springfield Elementary?
+I don't teach to the test, I teach them to dodge balls. Things they can use in life!
+How is that useful?
+We all came here to avoid scrutiny! Who else would hire a lunch lady accused of poisoning her husband?
+Never convicted. They couldn't find the body. Anyone care for some Chicken Pete Pie?
+Did you say "Chicken Pete Pie?"
+His friends called him Pete.
+Goodbye, my electrical friends. I can't afford to use you, so I'm doing what any good American would do -- throw you away.
+Parking meter?!
+And it still works!
+This could come in handy. But let me check that list of things Marge said never to bring home. Dogs, cats, octopuses, octopi, octopuseseses...
+Parking meter, you're workin' for me now.
+Mannequin heads, you're working for me now.
+Lotta people at the dump today.
+Their leader seems to be a woman.
+Catalogue poses.
+When will they finish grading those tests!
+I hate waiting. That's why I hate risotto.
+Even mushroom risotto?
+What do you think?!
+So, how did we do?
+Not as bad as the worst school in the state.
+Oh, thank God!
+You did worse than the worst school in the state, which now makes this school the worst school in the state.
+Why did you say that to us in the meanest way you could?
+To show you that there's no way out. Except...
+Except what?
+No, I meant you should accept your terrible fate.
+This place is worse than the elementary school in prison. This student filled in everything but the ovals!
+In art school he'd be a genius.
+This isn't an art school.
+We tried to have ourselves accredited as one, but no one here could... draw the pirate.
+Children, Groundskeeper Willie will direct you to your new school district. Any correlation to your talents, needs or friends is completely coincidental.
+Sherri, you're going to West Ogdenville, Terri, North Haverbrook.
+We've never been separated!
+I'm not sure we can even live apart!
+Stop your whingeing! It's not like you're losing a rake or a back-hoe. Nelson, you're off to Arkham Elementary School For The Criminally Insane.
+Well I'm glad you're not upset. All my extra credit points are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline.
+Hey, don't blame me -- I didn't even take the test.
+You didn't?! Is there no limit to your disrespect?
+I had something better to do.
+Driving you crazy instead of pulling off your legs. I've really matured.
+Wait a minute... if you take the test now, your score could raise the average and save the school!
+Proctor Clarkeson -- one student still hasn't taken the test!
+Let it be Martin, let it be Martin...
+It's Bart.
+I have an aunt named Hope. Perhaps you'd like to kill her as well.
+Bart will take his exam first thing tomorrow morning.
+Bart, I'm begging you to try and study.
+When I think begging, I don't imagine someone standing up.
+Sorry, I can't grant a favor to someone I don't respect anymore.
+You can spin in my chair!
+Spin-ner! Slow down!
+Well, sir, the Lord wouldn't have placed His meter there if He didn't want me to park.
+This is the easiest money I've ever made, lugging around a ninety pound parking meter!
+It's not that kind!
+All right, now to drag the meter to the next idiot.
+Oh God, my back! Suckers! My discs are grinding! Easy money!
+Thanks for the freedom of speech, dorks.
+We're cool, right boy?
+Nothing a few George Washingtons won't solve.
+Now to sleep the sleep of the just.
+Godspeed, old chum!
+Pass the test and your lunch money is yours.
+I'm a kid you've never seen. And I speak for all the kids you've never seen.
+Do it, man, or you'll never see us again.
+Principal Skinner, could you help me sharpen this pencil?
+Well, I guess a little circular grinding might relax me.
+I can't do this. I'm not ready.
+You really didn't study?
+Well, I slept on my books, so I might have gotten something through osmosis.
+So you know what osmosis is!
+Uh... pajamas?
+Let me make this crystal clear to you, Simpson, if you don't pass this test, it will destroy the school.
+Our entire school riding on that coffee can head of yours. We've got to get you more time to study. But how?
+Pull the fire alarm. I'd do it, but everyone's lookin' at me.
+What to do? What to do?
+Don't do it, Seymour. You've never broken school rules. Ever.
+You wimp!
+Children, remain calm... find your disaster buddy... which is different from your lab partner, but may be the same as your lunchroom buddy.
+Well, well, well.
+Looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.
+Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.
+I bought you time, boy. Don't blow it.
+I won't. I'm gonna ignore everything else on my schedule.
+Pass this test and the eggs are on me.
+They will be, Seymour. They will be.
+I'm king of the bus station!
+Meter Meter, Quarter Cheater? A rogue parking meter has been terrorizing the streets. Experts estimate the cost to taxpayers at north of fifty dollars.
+That's right, Kent. The entire force is on the lookout for anyone with an excessive amount of change.
+Our top criminologists have a theory as to what the suspect just might look like.
+But of course that question mark could be an exclamation point or an Interrobang. And the man... or woman... could be Hispanic...
+Or, most frightening, contain no punctuation at all.
+So, how's the studying going?
+When I start, I'll tell ya.
+This is the most selfish thing you've ever done!
+You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy, and selfish, and-- Hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me?!
+Hey, why aren't you eating that?
+There's four of us and eight slices. We don't know how to divide it!
+Something Stu forgot the music he loves!
+Mrs. Krabappel? Are you a... teacher of the night?
+I wish I was a hooker. No one in this town has any money. But the worst thing is what's happened to the school.
+No, no!
+What have I done?
+Spinach farm, huh? That's right, you talk in your sleep.
+Lisa, I wanna pass that test, but I need your help.
+I have all sorts of problems: lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only know twenty-four letters... don't you fall asleep on me!
+Excuse me, you're that proctor that's shutting down my children's school.
+I don't shut anything down. People cut their own heads and I just tip 'em into the basket.
+You've been in public education a long time, haven't you?
+Freeze, Jack Nickel-scum!
+You know what they do to parking meter thieves in prison? They probably treat 'em pretty well. But when you get out, you're not eligible for jury duty. Which again, sounds pretty good.
+Eat silver, copper!
+Stay with me, man. Stay with me.
+No, no! You're the first successful business I've ever run!
+It's hopeless. I can't make up for ten years of goofing off in one day. I need two days!
+Look, the thing is, it's more important to know how to take a test than knowing what's on it. So, do the ones you know first. If you don't know one, guess B and move on. Now, what is the capital of Massachusetts?
+Uh... B?
+Very good.
+Will you stop that?!
+"Burly Paper Towels, Burlyville, Minnesota. Dear Sir or Madam: Your paper towel packets promised a hundred and two sheets of towels. But I was blessed to receive one hundred and three. I'm returning the extra towel, unused..."
+A pillowcase full of quarters?! Where did you get that money and what have you done with the pillows?!
+The pillows are safe at my workstation. As for the quarters... well, I'm ashamed to tell you what I did.
+How long have you been in there?
+Well, we're gonna turn this change into change for the better!
+Woo hoo!
+...and I wish that Mr. Teeny gets a banana ... that the Isotopes emerge from this season with a great blooper reel ... I wish that wishing wells worked so I wasn't just tossing my money away ... and that Marge loves me forever no matter what stupid things I do ...
+And I hope Bart passes his test and saves the school.
+Way to get us back on topic, Marge.
+If you have to guess, guess "B."
+Not every question!
+The second that boy fails, we're knocking down this school.
+Please, have a little faith.
+I hear you, Seymour. Start the upswing!
+The least common blood type is A--B, B--A, C--A.B., D--O. D'oh!
+Ten more seconds.
+And the last answer... "C"...is correct.
+Congratulations. You made it by one.
+That'll do, bug. That'll do.
+He passed!
+Stop that ball!
+Now your Mom can see you work from her house.
+Seymour! Stop slouching!
+I'm not sure if you gave my son any... extra help. But if you did, thank you.
+Perhaps this was a test of my humanity. A test I like to think I passed.
+Would you... like to have coffee, or dinner, or just talk?
+None of the above.
+Testward ho!
+Is this Wilson Elementary?
+"In this exciting strategy game, you amass resources -- timber, salt fish, and wax -- to fund a syndicate to gain influence with the Doges of Venice.
+Doges?! Why do we have to play this stupid game Lisa likes?
+I don't like this game! Nobody likes this game! Even the kids on the box look bored!
+They're miserable.
+We have to do something until the storm passes. Now just fill out these customs forms and we can get started.
+Twister!
+No! Whenever we play that, my elbow touches Dad's junk.
+No! Outside the house!
+You live like this?
+Dear Lord, if thy tornado must take me, please let it take me to Oz, but don't let Flanders be the Scarecrow!
+We made it, boy!
+Oh my God. Oh my God. This counts as a walk!
+The tornado took old what's-his-name! I'm going after him!
+No, Homie! It's too dangerous!
+Hey, Homer! We were just doin' a little storm chasing.
+Lenny, take us with you to find our dog! It's okay, Marge, they're professionals.
+What, 'cause they rented a van and taped an antenna to the top?
+Not just any tape, duct tape.
+All right, but I'm coming with you to make sure no one does anything stupid.
+Don't worry, Marge. We bought a ton of safety gear from a highly-respected storm-chaser's widow. It's not what you're thinking. He died of a heart attack.
+Yeah, eighty feet up in the air!
+Behold the awesome nonsense of nature!
+Okay, the tornado that took your dog looked like an F-3, moving westerly.
+I guess you do know your weather.
+That means a lot coming from such an attractive woman as you.
+I'd say she's prettier than a surface hoar.
+Surely you didn't misunderstand my usage of "surface hoar"--
+--the sublimation of ice crystals that's colder than the frost point?
+Maybe the last words I'll ever write.
+Maybe! Look, you guys obviously know about weather, but I understand something much more predictable: women.
+What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.
+I'll tell you what women really want: a man who can hold a note the longest.
+That is the stupidest...
+One-two-three-go!
+Homer, you do not have to compete with your friends for me.
+I would never do that.
+Enough with the singing!
+Fine. But I swear: I will win you back from Lenny.
+It's like God's vacuum cleaner!
+We're cuttin' it kinda close.
+Not to worry, we're safe in the van.
+Anyone want their seat warmer?
+It's gone!
+Help me, God! What is it I'm paying you for every Sunday?
+Can always use... a good babysitter.
+I was just twenty-seven years from retirement!
+Oh my God! The twister got Carl, my best friend in the world! I can barely remember what he looks like.
+He was a black guy but his voice sounded like a white guy.
+Excuse me for wanting to fit in.
+And here comes Santa's Little Helper!
+Homie, we made it!
+Oh my God!
+Haw haw!
+You're trapped in there good. Once again the big banks stick it to the little guy.
+Are you pushing?
+Yes, it won't give!
+I don't know if we're gonna be able to get out. What are you writing?
+Lenny, you calling for help?
+Let them have their moment.
+Kent Brockman here at death's revolving door. Police have arrived on the scene after having fled the state at the first sign of the storm.
+Bulletproof. As I somewhat suspected. But don't you worry. We're having a very expensive crane brought in from Shelbyville.
+What's this, a bird?
+It's a bird known as a crane. And it got very sick on the way over.
+Well, our top priority is making sure that bird gets well.
+Hey! Hello!
+As for you, your only hope is this glass-cutting guy from the hardware store.
+You guys wanna come out in a plain circle, or kind of a rosette shape?
+Just cut the glass!
+Everybody wants it done yesterday.
+Now we're ordering lunch. Wanna go halvesies on a pizza?
+FYI, that means you get one slice.
+Okay, wise guy. You get to pull out the two corpses when we're done.
+Except for the face full of glass when the door finally collapsed, he did a pretty good job.
+Found another one.
+It was so scary thinking something might happen to you guys.
+Mom, I am so glad you're alive.
+Were you worried about me, boy?
+Sure, why not?
+Clearly the boy's in shock.
+Oh yeah, I'm a wreck.
+Stop being blasé!
+Now I know you kids are scared by what happened, but it's bedtime. Just go into your dark rooms and shut your eyes.
+Homie, if we did both die, we've never named guardians. The kids could end up wards of the state.
+Connecticut?
+No, our state.
+Okay, you're right. It's hard to imagine anyone else bringing up our kids, but I think the choice is obvious -- my dad.
+You'd let me have another chance after the way I screwed things up with you?
+Good point. We'll find somebody else.
+Yup, you're a big bag of blubber soaked in worthless juice.
+I got it, Dad.
+Why I married you I'll never know.
+Oh yeah? The tornado was more of a father to me than you! Okay, how about my brother? He's rich.
+Hi, you've reached Herb Powell. I'm poor again--
+There's really only one choice. Or should I say two identical choices?
+Oh, how very kind of you. I am not giving our kids to these gravelly-voiced super hags! One lump, please.
+Homer, my sisters adopted Ling and she's doing great.
+We've been tiger-mothering her.
+Ling, music time!
+Ling, floor routine!
+More syncopated! Stick the landing!
+And no resenting us ever!
+That's some impressive flute-nastics.
+Shut up! You can't praise her!
+She'll think she's smart and slack off.
+Then all our loving would be for nothing!
+Maybe we'd better go.
+Didn't you want to ask us something?
+Goodbye forever!
+Help me.
+I think it's time to go "off family."
+Luanne and I have gone through some rough patches, so to be seen as stable enough to raise your kids -- well... It would be an honor.
+What the hell are you doing?
+Five-fifty!
+You know what else would be an honor? Having a husband who asks my opinion before inviting in three more mouths he can't feed!
+Hey Luanne! You always asked me what I saw in Vicky at the Walgreens -- well I'll tell you what I saw: not you!
+You told me you didn't even know her name!
+Well, that's her name, okay?
+Let me get this straight: we have seventeen kids and you want us to take three more?
+Anything new that wanders into this house winds up in the stew pot.
+I am so sorry, but we just adopted a baby.
+Give me back my pants! I've gotta get back to my unit.
+Someone's cranky.
+All right, Marge. Maybe we're being a little too choosy about who our kids spend the rest of their lives with. We'll take what we can get.
+Uh oh. I wonder if word has gotten out that we're looking for guardians.
+Go! Go!
+All right, the coast is clear.
+Wait a minute, I live here.
+Where are we going?
+And why are we wearing our good clothes?
+With nametags on them?
+Kids, there's nothing to worry about...but we're looking at replacements for your Mom and me if we should fail to die together as a family.
+Oh, I see. You guys are trying to find a couple of saps to take us when dad has a coronary in the dead of night, rolls over, and crushes mom.
+This is not that! And that smart-alecky attitude is exactly why no one wants you!
+Homer! Dual incomes, no kids at two o'clock!
+Okay, I'll nudge 'em with the car. We'll get a whole "meet cute" thing going.
+Keith, relax. Look at those adorable children!
+I think I hear a slight accent.
+Mid-Atlantic!
+That's where they filmed "The Wire"! Step on it!
+This is a pretty important decision.
+How 'bout asking that Japanese guy who set the world record for eating hot dogs? He's like a successful version of dad.
+Maybe we should just give up for now, have some fried clams and collect sea glass.
+Wait! What about that couple? They look pretty cozy.
+That's Moe and a bag of garbage.
+Cats sure breed a lot.
+Why would you do that to me, after I thought about feedin' you?
+Whoa! Look at that guy!
+Yo. I'm Mav.
+Wow, a man's stomach can be flat?
+It's one of the like awesome side effects of being a pro surfer.
+Someone's smitten.
+Whoa, way to shralp the crispies, babe.
+My wife, Portia.
+Another surfer?
+Environmental lawyer.
+And in my free time I prosecute record companies who withhold royalties from elderly blues musicians.
+Um... why don't we discuss it over dinner?
+Discuss what?
+Things that you're desperately missing from your life that you never knew you needed.
+Cool! See you at six.
+So, surfing is really your job?
+Yeah, I earned a couple million on the tour last year.
+Just for standing on a thing?
+Wowww. Your house is perfect. No sharp corners, no unsafe balconies, a cool Grampa...
+I love two things: shutting up and giving away money.
+Ooh, Thanks, Dad.
+What's that stone around your neck?
+It's a promise stone. It signifies that if I ever get to be a burden, I just jump in a volcano.
+Wow. I assumed The Jackson Five were the only perfect family, but now I see there's another.
+Princeton, B.A., Oxford, M.A. -- I smell a Rhodes.
+Nah, I turned it down because Cecil Rhodes was such a racist.
+Uh, say, listen, Portia. How would you and Mav feel about... um, swinging?
+With you guys? Uh... seems like my husband would be getting the much better deal.
+No, no, no. I meant pushing kids on swings.
+Give me a minute to get some images out of my mind.
+Okay, take whatever time you need. I just want to know if you'd like to be their guardians.
+Wow. Wow, that's quite an offer.
+This is so fast... it's so hard to get to know a child after just one day I...
+All you need to know is I'm a politeness monster who eats please and farts thank yous. Ma'am.
+I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.
+Babe, when a killer wave hits, you can't spend your whole life deciding if you want to drop in or not. It just might be the most righteous tube we ever shot.
+Man, you sure can talk surfer talk.
+Okay, we'll give some serious thought to taking them.
+Maybe this'll help you make up your mind.
+It's empty.
+You never know when you might wanna mail something.
+Homie... it's been a wonderful day... but do you think maybe we're moving a little too quickly?
+Worrywart Marge. You don't look a Trojan Horse in the mouth.
+But we know so little about them.
+I swear to you, Marge, when I have the time, I will Google them both.
+S'all good, bra.
+Hey, where's Bart?
+Oh, uh, well, he wanted to be here, but I'm gonna decrease the volume of my voice and mumble so you can't really understand what I'm saying...
+Your father says I need to keep you lashed to the mast for five more arrrs.
+Is that arrrs or hours?
+Great. And now my Dad can notarize.
+I still have my uses!
+Name another.
+Well, I must admit it's a relief to get that taken care of.
+Now I can finally complete my bucket list.
+Homer, Marge... we have a favor to ask.
+Too late! You already signed! Oh wait, there's one more.
+Suckers!!! Oh wait, you've gotta initial this.
+Check mate.
+Listen, Homer, we just wanted to know if we could borrow the kids for a weekend at our ski house. We thought they could pick out their bedrooms...
+A whole weekend? I don't know...
+Hey, if they can watch 'em for the rest of their lives they can certainly do it for a weekend.
+I guess. As long as we don't make it a habit.
+Marge, no indulgence of mine ever becomes a habit.
+Do you have to do that in front of people?
+It helps me write.
+Marge, this has been great couples time. The one thing people with kids desperately need is no kids!
+Well, at least we have time to get the pets' Christmas presents.
+...so you will obey.
+I don't like the way they just rip the paper off. Santa's Little Helper my ass.
+Oh God! They want to steal our kids!
+No one steals my kids... except me... from that theme park jail... that I never told you about... except I guess I just did... we're all caught up now... let's go!
+It all makes sense now.
+That's why they took our kids so quick.
+Like all childless couples, they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.
+She's gonna raise three kids without wrecking that perfect figure.
+Oh yeah, man.
+Don't worry, Marge. We'll get 'em. Unless we die on this icy mountain road. Then they've won forever.
+Homie, I just had a horrible thought.
+Women and their horrible thoughts.
+What if they are better for the kids than us?
+Marge, let me set your mind straight about something -- that spectacular young couple is definitely better for the kids. But those kids are ours, because we made them, by accident. And now, we're gonna take them back because we love them, especially now that we've had a little time apart from them.
+I've got a bone to pick with you! Then, an apology to make. Then, we exchange insurance information. Then, more bone picking!
+Homer, Marge... I understand your anger, but your kids are more awesome than the breaks at Waimea.
+Those better be good breaks.
+Honestly, we fell in love with 'em and it seemed like you guys didn't really want 'em.
+Sure you wanted the fun parts, but do you want to go to their little league games and recitals?
+We totally have.
+Like clockwork.
+Well, I'm glad someone has.
+Look, before anyone says anything else, how could you possibly think you could get our kids?
+It happens more than you know, Marge. I'm a lawyer, he's a surfer, that combination's pretty unstoppable.
+Well I'm afraid that we don't want to be with anyone but Mom and whoever she chooses to be with.
+Portia, you're the woman I dream of becoming, but Mom is my Mom.
+Fine. But you're leaving a gap in our lives that can only be filled by foreign travel, sleeping late and gourmet food.
+You guys lock up. We're goin' to Bali.
+We've won. Woo hoo.
+Kids, your father and I have decided we're not in such a hurry to get you guardians.
+Instead of concentrating on dying, we're going to concentrate on living.
+If you call this living.
+Why you little...
+I do call this living! Living the way kids in India can only dream of!
+There is nothing like your biological family.
+Win what?
+I forget.
+In three-tenths of a mile, make a right turn.
+Homer, listen to the G.P.S.
+Turn right onto First Street, head east. Homer, watch the road! Not this road, the other road!
+Ladies, please! You can boss me around, just one at a time!
+On Main Street, turn right now... / Our Sunday drive is ruined! Hands at ten and two!
+What the?
+Switching to male voice...
+Finally! A supervisor!
+Hey, Simpson! I dare you to stick this caterpillar down that girl's dress.
+Can't I just stick it in Skinner's Sloppy Joe?
+It would actually be the only meat in said Joe.
+Not everything can be solved with Skinner pranks, Bart.
+Yeah, think outside the Skinner box.
+Hey look, that movie we were in got short-listed for an Oscar.
+Who's that stickin' a fuzzy-wuzzy down my back?
+Mary Spuckler!
+I thought you left home to be a star.
+There's a lot of thirteen-year-olds out there with a voice and a dream. Only got work as a hand model.
+That's your hand?
+Just the thumb. Did you miss me?
+Get out of my face, cootie breath! I did miss you. You stink! Come over Saturday. I'm gonna have to push you in the mud now.
+Don't you pig-waller me, Mister! Do what you must, darlin'.
+That sure makes up for my Dad beatin' me last night!
+And for my dyslexia!
+Thank God I wore the underwear with the hole on the side.
+It's eight in the morning!
+I'm a farm girl. I already milked the cows, overcame a bout of prairie madness, and made you some sausage and biscuits.
+Rain is so romantic, don't you think?
+Doctors Without Borders, you're now doctors without faces!
+Well, tell your eye-ears to watch-listen to this!
+Bart, when are we gonna do girl things, like catch a frog or leg wrestle?
+Soon, baby, soon. Let me just kill Milhouse's character. He thinks we're on the same team.
+Betrayed again!
+Mary, could I steal Bart for a minute?
+Ask his girlfriend, the game.
+Oh Mary, you know you're the coolest person I've ever hung out with.
+Another betrayal!
+Bart Simpson, I don't know what the future holds for you...
+If you're lucky, me, then this.
+...but, Bart, I do know this: you will not do better than Mary Spuckler, so don't ignore her for a stupid video game!
+Hey, relax. She knows she's the apple of the corner of my eye.
+Bart, do you mind if I call my mother?
+Not at all.
+Mama! Come pick me up, I'm bored!
+You'll have to wait! The mule's takin' a nap!
+We hope it's a nap.
+Dinnertime!
+Now let's enjoy the granola bars that city fella gave us in exchange for lettin' him go.
+That'll teach him to try to preserve our folk singin' for posterity.
+Just wait till my Dad hears this at three a.m. on N.P.R. It'll prove I'm not wasting my life!
+You realize you just ruined the recording.
+A lot of musical talent in this house. But no one blows on a blade of grass like you.
+Eight more payments and I own this. But are you sure there ain't no video game you'd rather be playin'?
+All eyes on you, baby.
+I USED TO THINK I WANTED TO ROAM...BUT THERE AIN'T NOT NEVER NO PLACE NONE BETTER THAN HOME / Count the negatives, it all works out.
+THEY SAY THAT HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS...BUT FOR ME IT'S WHERE THE BART IS... Now what are you doing?!
+I wrote a whole song for you, Bart Simpson! Least you could do is pay me full mind. I was gonna enter it in a competition.
+Ay carumba!
+Well you're gonna win, 'cause you've got star quality. Like the Hulk in movies other than "The Hulk."
+You know what? Every now and then you say the perfect thing.
+Mary, it's our turn to use the boyfriend room!
+Y'all don't have boyfriends!
+We's gonna practice kissing with this French-Canadian mountain man.
+Pourquoi m'avez-vous amené ici?
+He's still wearing leg shackles.
+All men is unpolished stones.
+Où est le whiskey que vous m'avez promis?
+...and then I ran right home to you.
+You did everything great, Bart. Then you told me all about it like a true gentleman. I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa.
+Ew! On every level! Ew! Bart, you have to treat girls like they matter -- not like they're a bunch of Milhice. What? It's the plural of Milhouse. Look it up.
+Listen to your sister, boy.
+What I'm saying applies to you too, Dad.
+What are you talkin' about? Marge and I are goin' great.
+Homer Simpson! Did you take Maggie to Moe's?
+It was during Happy Hour. Don't you want our baby to be happy?
+Don't you see, you're taking women for granted. And aside from being lumped together and generalized about, it's the one thing all women hate.
+How can something that applies to Bart apply to me? I'm so much older and wiser.
+More like balder and wider.
+Why you little... I'll teach you to say something that sounds similar!
+Thank you, last contestant. Tomorrow we will feature the no-longer racist country comedy of Barry the Satellite TV Guy.
+Isn't it funny how all people are of equal worth? Please do not boycott my line of power tools.
+Now all Barry's jokes are about his ex-wife.
+No they ain't. We're back together.
+Then you got no act. And now, the winner is:
+Devon Peacock!
+I can finally get my suspender buckled!
+Looks like we got a feud with the Peacocks now.
+Uh-huh.
+All I care is what you think, Bart.
+Compliment her!
+I don't know what she wants. What would my heroes say?
+Slash her face now, Bart. Slash it while she least expects it.
+Bart, tell Mary to play the drums -- the only thing anyone listens to in any band.
+It's hard to pick just one of those.
+Bart, you'd better get your act together. And me too. I've gotta get these shirts to the drycleaners.
+They close at six!!!
+Bart Simpson, you get out of that gosh-darned fugue state this instant! Lift my spirits!
+Um... lifting people's spirits is an interesting topic. For centuries, Neanderthal and astronaut alike have enjoyed lifting spirits.
+You're givin' me book report talk?
+Excuse me, I am a Brazilian record producer. I concentrate in the rapidly-growing jug band-samba fusion market.
+Oh my God! Do you know Billy-Bobaloo Skeeter-Rodriguez?
+Know him? Before he was famous he kidnapped my mother! Mary, would you like to have dinner with me and my handsome, girl-crazy son tonight?
+I am the first boy to get my own liquor ad.
+Bart? You wanna come with us? I need you.
+Mary, we've just been through three hours of music. Usually, I only have music one hour a week, and the teacher spends it reading real estate listings for Fire Island.
+I'll see you later, Bart.
+Mary? Are you okay?
+Sure. Everything's fine.
+Everything's fine...
+Melvis? Where's Mary?
+I brung you regrets from my sister. She has been de-avoidably untained.
+Am I getting dumped?
+Okay Bart, maybe you blew it by taking Mary for granted. Women are life's great mystery, along with why do they give you salt and pepper at a Chinese restaurant. But if you want one more shot, I know a date that'll turn this mighty Aphrodite into your purple rose of Cairo. Those are movies I made -- my oeuvre. Sounds dirty, but it's not.
+Everyone's fast asleep. It's like my second wedding night. Except more walkouts and there were no refunds. Gee...
+Can I see you tomorrow night?
+Sure. I'll be here with my other boyfriend. He's watching us now.
+Oh boy...
+Okay Luann, it's all settled. We'll ditch Milhouse!
+Bart, I think it's best if we "take a break."
+Good idea. I can chuck eggs at the other couples.
+Just hug me, dummy.
+Back pats?! This is a break up!
+You'll be fine: there's a pot for every possum.
+Give me another chance. I'll be way more attentive to your needs on the seesaw -- I'll stay down there for as long as you want.
+Sorry, Bart, I'm a hillbilly girl of thirteen. If I'm not married in the next few months, nobody's gonna want me. Not even Ol' Joe Clabby.
+Hey, you're a pretty li'l thing, you are. But, tick-tock, tick-tock.
+Goodbye, Bart.
+Aw, sweetie. I told you this would happen if you dated outside the family.
+Move along, relationship's over.
+Sure do like forcing people to leave areas.
+I was the only one without a date at Patty's new lady friend's travel bookstore soft opening!
+You told me it was up to me if I wanted to go!
+You should know that me saying I don't care means I couldn't care more.
+I am sick and tired of trying to decode you like you're some kind of human being separate from myself!!!
+Bart, would you go to your room while your father and I finish our little talk?
+Little talk? You guys are having a big fight! This is the problem with women! They don't say what they mean, until it's too late!
+All right. Fine. If you boys want it, I'll tell you what I really think.
+Finally, we're gettin' somewhere.
+You're both in the doghouse, which is misleading 'cause I still like the dog.
+Hand me my suitcase, boy.
+When do I get a Krusty suitcase?
+When you're older.
+So this is where you go when Mom kicks you out?
+You're saying it like it happens all the time. And by the way, the paint's a little faded on my parking spot. You call this a Platinum Club experience?
+We'll get right on it, Mr. Simpson.
+I've told you a thousand times, call me Homer!
+What's this notice on the wall?
+Standard hotel boilerplate. It just says somebody died in this room in the last seventy-two hours.
+Aw, man! We just missed it.
+Oh, it'll happen again, son.
+Um, I've gotta make a phone call.
+Knock yourself out.
+Not again!
+Mary? That's odd, I thought I was calling the Suicide Not Line. Because I'm doin' great. So, um, how are you handling "taking a break?"
+Great! It turns out Adele was right: ain't nothin' better for songwritin' than when your relationship takes a bolt to the brain. Tell me what you think:
+I BROKE UP WITH A FELLA BUT I AIN'T GRIEVIN' / HE WAS MUCH TOO PROUD OF UNDERACHIEVIN'
+I CAN'T BELIEVE I LIKED HIM, I MUST HAVE BEEN BLIND
+HE WASN'T SO SMART OR HANDSOME OR KIND...EVERY MOMENT WITH THAT BOY WAS TOTALLY HORRID / AND I CAN'T EVEN TELL WHERE HIS HAIR MEETS HIS FOREHEAD.
+Why did I buy her that rhyming dictionary?
+MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN, NOW I SEE HIS WARTS / I WISH HIM WELL, DOWN IN HELL, WHERE HE'LL EAT HIS OWN SHORTS! It just poured out of me, like venom from a snake!
+I had this idea years ago...but your mother wouldn't let me do it.
+Shows how much she... knooooows! It's hurting my eyes!
+It's so great here -- no wife to get mad at you for closing your laptop whenever they walk into the room.
+Or getting her kid hooked on pot. She's my kid too, you know.
+You know what we need? A classic "kicked outta the house" party. Now who's got a rockin' CD?
+I've got the audio book of Robert Caro's "The Passage of Power."
+That's it? Well, then let's "power" this party up!
+SPUCKLER MARY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME / ALL I ASK IS ONE MORE CHANCE...
+"AIR FORCE ONE, the President's plane, is divided, behind the crew's cockpit, into three compartments. In the first of them, just behind the cockpit, women sat weeping and Secret Service agents were trying to hold back tears ...
+I miss Mary.
+I miss Roxie. That's the club where I used to smoke pot with my kid.
+This calls for decisive action -- like L.B.J.'s use of the period of mourning following the assassination to push through the Civil Rights Act.
+But how do we figure out what to do?
+The same way Hollywood does, by watching British movies!
+The Prime Minister... that is to say I... would like to make an emergency declaration... of love... to my poor, but cheeky secretary.
+What, me? Eliza Commonbottom?
+I... that is to say... Flibberty-gibberty...
+Love is more powerful than all my magic.
+Hard to believe that country used to rule anything.
+Agreed, but to win back our women we need to make a grand romantic gesture.
+Hear hear!
+After we finish watching the movie.
+Mmm! Cursive!
+"You are invited to... a grand gesture?" Oooh!
+I WROTE THIS SONG TO SAY I'M SORRY
+DAD, DON'T BE A CREDIT HOG
+THE MELODY IS BY BEETHOVEN
+NOT BAD FOR A MOVIE DOG.
+I'LL STOP EATING FROM THE GARBAGE
+MARGE YOU WILL GET THE LAST PORK CHOP...
+A completed chore list!
+And I promise to do the things I checked off within a year.
+Bart... you're a good duck, but we wouldn't last.
+But I'm the main guy in this story! Things are supposed to work out for me!
+Everyone is the main guy in their own story. My friend, welcome to my story.
+Remember, this game is for age fourteen or under. If you are older than that, please get help. Get help. Get help.
+One message received from...
+The Widow Mary Spuckler!
+Woo hoo!
+Well done, Bart. You played that like a combination of Willie Mays and Paul Cezanne.
+Who are you?
+You know, I played the ant in "Antz." The lesser-known of the "Ant" movies.
+Oh yeah!
+Dad, what are you watching?
+I think it's a Terence Malick movie.
+No, you're watching Baby Poindexter, the most educational DVD available at the checkout aisle at the grocery store!
+Finally, a kids' show that isn't trying to sell you something. Which reminds me, we need to order more rectangles.
+Friends?
+Friends.
+Colleagues.
+Don't watch that DVD!
+I threw that away because studies show it doesn't do any good!
+Look at me!
+Bart? You wanted to show me something?
+But surely you didn't give up on love after just one setback. Love is our only defense against the abyss in this meaningless universe.
+Maybe instead of watching TV with the kids, you could take them outside and... what are you doing?
+This so-called educational DVD may have even stunted the development of the kids who watched it!
+Wait a minute. Didn't Bart and I both watch this thing when we were little?
+I'm afraid so.
+Well, the obvious question is... why did I turn out so... academically superior... while Bart--
+While Bart turned out so wonderful in his own way!
+That's the way people talk about Ralph! Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter!
+I wish I knew what happened...
+Aooga... aooga... aooga...
+And now that I know better, no DVDs for you kids. Just educational television.
+We return to "Ice-road Hand-fishing."
+This has been our way of life since we were pitched the idea by reality show producers.
+Welcome to "Thievin' Bear Chopper Hunt."
+Okay, no TV at all.
+Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.
+Fine, no TV for twenty-four hours.
+Twenty-four hours? Where'd you pull that crazy number?
+We can do without TV for a day! We're taking Maggie to a children's bookstore, where she can learn the old-fashioned way -- the way children did from nineteen-ten to two thousand and two.
+Homer, a little help?
+I'm on it.
+If I buy you, why do I need all these books?
+Shut up, shut up, shut up!
+Instead of watching TV, we can read children's books written by TV stars!
+Who's Milli Vanilli?
+I don't know, kid. I didn't write this.
+No refunds.
+Look, Maggie! They have a story lady!
+One day Silly Sally said "Let's have a sloppy gloppy supper." First they slurped their soup. Slurp, slurp, slurp!
+Then they chewed their bread. Chew, chew, chew! "More soup?" "I could slurp this soup forever!" Slurp, slurp...
+Sorry, folks. She doesn't even work here.
+Spot the Hidden Objects.
+Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.
+Gotcha! Candy cane in the umbrella stand -- oldest trick in the book... okay, let's see...
+Have you seen Lisa and Maggie?
+If they're not a trumpet or a rolling pin, then "no."
+Homie, help me find them.
+Okay, now to see if I can apply my book knowledge to the real world.
+Got 'em!
+Wow, no TV for twenty-four hours. I couldn't get through a day without Doctors Oz, Phil, and Gupta.
+You're right, I'm bored. Epoxy fight!
+What the hell is an Epoxy fight?!
+Don't worry, I'll clean it up. Get me some whipped cream and a safety scissors.
+Don't worry, all I need is a cigarette lighter and some sandpaper.
+All right, let's just use a razor.
+Oh my God, you look just like your dad!
+Let's see how far we can take this...
+And finally, the tie.
+I always wanted to wear a necktie. Mom says they make you more--
+Now sing the alphabet song!
+What if we... Van Houten to the max?
+Whoa! That's a little too tight! Oh yeah!
+Nah. Back to the sweet spot.
+Milhouse, if people believe you're a grownup, we could do anything.
+Okay, first, tone it down. Time to teach you to be a man.
+...and put the gas bill on... autopay.
+Nice. Time for your final test.
+Oh great, another invasive Skype from Mil-- huh?
+He's right here.
+Sure, what do I care?
+Whatever you say, sir.
+Dad, why are you kowtowing to Mr. Van Houten?
+Sometimes it's just so nice to have a man take charge.
+Grownups have their reasons!
+But I just did that!
+Now you're the same height as your Dad.
+I can reach the poisons now! Each with an inviting skull and crossbones.
+You're wearing that shirt I bought you. I thought you didn't like it.
+Oh Kirk Evelyn Van Houten!
+I wish my Dad could've been here to see my parents kiss.
+Now, did you get Kirk's license?
+Uh-huh!
+Ay carumba!
+I rented a truck!
+I'm driving a truck!
+I crashed a truck!
+I rented another truck!
+Hey Simpson! Don't you have a lame Dad of your own?
+You're the wussiest adult I've ever seen.
+"Kirk," remember you have the super-powers of a middle-aged man.
+Hello, Mr. Kirk.
+Polarized!
+I suspect you are buying for underage bullies. But as that is ninety-eight percent of my business, I say thank you, sir! Come again!
+Yo, Bart, your grown man friend is all right.
+We should start threatening more adults.
+Wouldn't that make us criminals instead of bullies?
+Let's beat up a philosopher till he gives us the answer.
+Mm-hmm!
+I made my Mom happy and got through the bullies without a punch. Being an adult is super easy!
+You dope. It says those are for her pleasure. Now it's time for me to live my fantasy with mature themes.
+I'll go behind that curtain a boy, but come out a man.
+Hm... more money for schools? That could translate into more homework.
+I know this is highly illegal, but you're not leaving this booth till you punch "yes."
+Don't bother screaming for help... this is a municipal, off-cycle election.
+There's no one for miles.
+Don't forget your sticker.
+Well, in my case my Mom was hit with a voodoo curse, I gestated for five years, then I popped out backwards and on fire.
+Really?
+Keep my tail right here in this jar.
+Good times.
+Mom, I think Maggie misses TV.
+You know Mom, I was thinking we could take Maggie downtown. "The Jazz Hole" is featuring a Dizzy Gillespie tribute band. Their trumpeter has the puffiest cheeks...
+I don't think so. The U.S. Embassy has warned people not to go to downtown Springfield.
+I get it. Middle child. Never do what I want.
+Okay, I also know of a puppet show...
+Long before the Teutonic slaughters visited upon our people, there was the massacre by Mstislov of Kiev in 1132.
+Maybe we should go.
+Nobody leave till every puppet dead!
+Now what are you doing?
+Just one sec: Nelson gave me some notes on a prank I'm doing.
+Now, I asked you here because I know a cool grownup who will take you to that club in the city.
+Really? Who?
+Milhouse?
+Well, Milhouse, you might get past the bouncer at the jazz club because they're in no position to turn anyone away. But it doesn't matter, 'cause we can't pay for the gas and the cover fee anyway.
+Au contraire, starfish hair!
+The Baby Poindexter Company is being forced to pay a settlement to any parent who had enough misguided love to buy their videos.
+They're not gonna write a check to a couple of kids.
+Thanks, but lowering your voice and standing on paint cans doesn't make you man enough to be my dad.
+Marge, can I get a subscription to Highlights Magazine?
+Homer, that's for children!
+Where does it say that?
+Read the rest of the title!
+"Highlights..." "for..."
+Oh, dang it!
+I lost my other earring.
+Leave it to me...
+Earring!
+...thimble from Monopoly game...
+Wondered where that was.
+...twenty-five dollar casino chip...
+...the smallest nesting doll!
+Can you find anything you like in this bed?
+Just my honey pie.
+Wanna split it while we snuggle?
+Licking the wrapper.
+There you go, one adult and two children, one-way downtown.
+If you like.
+Now remember, I can't sit backwards or I get sick.
+Well, if I look at your face, I get sick.
+Make me, baldy.
+My adulthood!
+I never thought I'd say this, but that is conduct unbecoming of a bus station.
+Where'd your babies go?
+Your intellect-deadening DVDs turned my brother's brain to jelly.
+Pretty shapes tell me to kill everybody.
+Looks like you're entitled to the full rebate of nineteen ninety-five.
+That's all you pay for screwing up a child for life?
+Terrific. Just need your signature.
+X is fine.
+It's just enough to get home. I'm hungry now.
+Hey, I'm walkin' on paint cans all day. Give me a break.
+Guys, look!
+Free breakfast if we sit through a sales pitch. Just remember, Milhouse, do not buy the condo.
+But what if we can't afford not to buy it?
+Waldo. Waldo. Waldo.
+I'm feeling a strange, refreshing brew of emotions. Oh yeah!
+Homer, Bart said the kids were going to the Van Houtens, but Luann just told me they're supposed to be here. They've disappeared!
+We'll get those kids back.
+Because we just bought them new shoes!
+Waldo. Waldo.
+Do you think Lisa went to that jazz club I wouldn't take her to?
+How many kids will jazz corrupt?
+...lap pool and fully-equipped gym with eucalyptus towels. Now, let me give you the fourteen different apartment configurations: The Hacienda, The Urban Oasis, Castle in the Sky, Connecticut Sunset...
+Lady, my stomach's full and I wanna go. That's how it works in this country.
+If you try to leave, you'll find the doors are locked.
+Well, before our dad signs any contracts, he has a surprise for you...
+Oh, I hope it's that he's single.
+You're a bit of freak. I like that.
+"Kirk?" Don't you have something to tell her?
+Just looking for a casual hookup?
+Ooh. I love how I don't exactly understand what you're saying.
+Homie, do you see anything?
+No. I'm sorry. It's... wait a minute.
+When I said you needed a software update, it was not a criticism.
+We've found what we're looking for.
+The kids?
+Sure, they could be here. Who knows?
+I love how your arms are too short and thin for your legs. Just like a crocodile.
+How did you know it was me?
+The top of your head has a five o'clock shadow.
+Your hair is growing back! Tell me your secret!
+He's ten years old!
+There's always a catch.
+Is anyone here gonna buy a condo?!
+It's gonna be "yes," but don't rush me.
+...And worst of all you cast my vote! Who did you vote for in the non-partisan judicial election?
+Williamson.
+No, no, no!
+I'm really sorry, Dad. But I have to say it was pretty cool having your life.
+You mean that?
+I'd be happy to wind up just like you.
+I hope you remember that when I can't pay for your college.
+Now how would you like to go to your own parent-teacher interview while I see a movie?
+I'd like that.
+Son, promise you will never look like me.
+I sure hope not.
+Why you little! That's not a heartwarming thing to end on!
+I can't believe you're reading when there's so much great stuff on TV.
+Hmm, you're right. It is the golden age of well-written, brilliantly-acted TV shows.
+Writing is for bathroom walls, and acting is for getting out of DUI's. The only reason TV exists is for reality shows about white-trash scuzzbags doing sub-human, made-up jobs.
+Ooo! Jail music!
+When storage lockers are abandoned, we open 'em up!
+Our expert bidders face off in the ultimate contest to discover the amazing treasures within!
+This is... "Storage Battles."
+I'll give it one marathon.
+I don't care what people say -- I am feeling this unit!
+Skinner!
+No one feels out a unit like CJ! Not Bubba, not Debbie and Danny, no one!
+Mostly worthless junk: family photo albums... home movies... kids' drawings...
+Eh, just some nobody.
+Here we go! Here we go! Bub-ble wrap!
+If there's wrap, it ain't crap!
+Bingo! Antique bayonets! I'm talking World War One, Spanish American War... Crimea, baby!
+If you found the right buyer, on the right day, and he knew nothing about bayonets, you might sell it for, possibly... five hundred dollars?
+Definitely five hundred dollars! Five hundred! Five hundy!
+Five hundamaninos!
+High-five me, Marge!
+I want to know what it's for.
+Too late!
+We're gonna get rich off the poor and forgetful! And dead people.
+I bet I win a locker full of treasure, like a solid gold bar of silver or Picasso's TV!
+Oh no, no, no! It is I who will be watching Picasso's TV tonight!
+It looks like you're not the only predatory opportunist in town.
+There's other P.O.s? Uh-oh, better put on my game shades.
+Do-I-hear-fifty-dollars-lemme-get-fifty-dollars--
+Oh yeah!
+One-hundred-is-there-one-hundred-out-there-looking-for-one-hundred--
+Thank you!
+One-fifty-one-hundred-fifty--
+Do-I-have-two-hundred--
+Two-fifty-do-I-hear--
+Three-fifty!
+Four-do-I-hear-four-hundred-dollars?
+Four-fifty!
+Bidding!
+Six-hundred!
+Six-fifty!
+Six-fifty going once, six-fifty going twice...
+One thousand dollars!
+One-thousand-dollars-going-once-going-twice-sold-to-the-man-who-didn't-wait-for-the-bidding-to-get-anywhere-near-one-thousand-dollars!
+In the money game, cash is king.
+We spent a thousand dollars on a bunch of old boxes?
+You won't be laughing when these boxes are full of priceless treasures.
+I wasn't laughing -- I was being worried.
+Feather boas?
+Mine's full of hand mirrors.
+I've got perfume spritzers.
+Makeup and baby oil!
+Tights? Robes? This stupid locker must have belonged to some old lady.
+"Property of Abraham J. Simpson?" This is Grampa's stuff!
+Why would my man-dad have lady stuff?
+It's not all lady stuff. Look at all these fitness publications.
+Beefcake mags?
+I think your dad might be gay.
+That's insane! My dad was married to a woman... who left him... because he ignored her needs for decades. My gay dad is gay for gays.
+I think this is great! Old gay men are adorable! Like wrinkle dogs in a wrinkle dog calendar.
+Those are pretty cute...
+Your dad's been in the closet for so long, he probably doesn't know how tolerant society's become. They even had a gay float in the Pride Parade last year.
+My dad's always been so angry. Maybe if we help him be who he is, he'll finally be happy.
+Oh Homie, you're so... enlightened.
+Yeah. Gay rights are human rights, baby.
+You sure you're not just doing all this because it's cool to be accepting of a gay family member?
+Oh honey, that's just silly! This'll show Helen Lovejoy, always bragging about her He-She cousin!
+Abe... we found your storage locker.
+It's okay, Dad. We know the truth, and we love you.
+What?! The contents of that locker are my private business! Get out!
+Just admit who you are, and you can find new love.
+If you don't want to die alone, come out of your room!
+Love... love... love...
+Love... love...
+Hi Marge. I was just taking Stanlerina to get her hormone shots.
+Your father wasted his whole life being married to your mother and having you. We've got to find him a boyfriend before it's too late!
+Why don't you put a personal ad on the internet? That's how young people date these days.
+It's weird that you don't consider yourself a young person.
+I know. It's weird to me too.
+Help me out of the closet! Wonderful older man seeks life partner before rapidly-encroaching death.
+No fatties!
+How about some fatties?
+Okay, post this under "Men Seeking Men," but what sub-heading... nothing too serious... here we go -- "Casual Encounters!" Perfect, no pressure!
+I hope someone saw our ad.
+If I can't find my father a man to kiss and cuddle, then I've failed as a son.
+Someone's coming!
+Are you "Wrinkled and Romantic?"
+Huh? What the heck are you talking about, Spectacles?
+Grampa, you were the original bad boy!
+Oh, I've been hung up on someone for years, but I'm trapped in "the friend zone." It's time for me to move on.
+So move on! You're blocking the ducks!
+Don't you want to be happy, Abe? Admit who you are, a wonderful gay man!
+What?! I don't ride side-saddle! I'm straight as a submarine!
+Then how do you explain this?
+Oh, hello Smithers! Fancy seeing you in Casual Encounter Park.
+You're Glamorous Godfrey!
+Glamorous Godfrey was the most famous wrestler in the world! And you are he!
+Is this true?
+Behold!
+Look at all this wrestling stuff.
+Ay carumba!
+Fine. I was Glamorous Godfrey.
+What's wrong?
+I so wanted him to be gay.
+On V.E. Day, I kissed a man by mistake.
+Thank you.
+You were a world-famous wrestler? Spill the beans, old man. Word beans!
+All right, I'll tell ya... It was the 1950s...
+Those things?
+It was the heyday of pro wrestling. You could make good money if you were the manly mixture of strong and fat we called beefy.
+Good guys were called "baby faces"...and bad guys were called "heels."
+I was the king of the heels, Glamorous Godfrey.
+How dare he! / That was drinking milk!
+My motto was "Always Cheat."
+But the thing that really drove them crazy was my vanity.
+You are the luckiest people in the world. You get to look at me.
+Yeah, I was boastful before all your football show-boaters, rap music-ers, and TV beach Italians. But there was a downside to being hated... being hated.
+I just couldn't take it.
+Being despised was no way to live.
+Pshaw, I say!
+Pshaw yourself!
+Homer, do something! They're killing each other!
+Oh yeah--
+The world may have despised Glamorous Godfrey, but that conceited mother-puncher was my hero.
+Please, Abe, let me buy you dinner in exchange for a few tales of the golden age of professional grappling.
+Sorry, I been trying to forget those days for fifty years.
+But Grampa...
+I wanna hear about old-time wrestling too.
+Well, it looks like you've made a new fan. It'd be a shame to let him down...
+Oh, fine. One dinner.
+Excellent. So we'll take the boy and make a night of it.
+I don't know. Should I really let the men who ruined my past and present hang out with the kid who's going to ruin my future?
+I'll bring you home my dessert.
+Text me the choices.
+I can't believe I'm on the town with Glamorous Godfrey himself! Tell me of your epic battle with Swedish Olaf Johannsen.
+Oh yeah, "The Fury of the Fjords"...
+You settled that Swede's meatballs!
+What I wouldn't give to see Glamorous Godfrey in action once more!
+Would you ever consider throwing your wig back into the ring?
+Go back to being a villain? Forget that! Being hated is the worst feeling there is.
+You've got it all wrong, my friend. Once you see it my way, you'll understand that being hated is the greatest feeling in the world.
+DON'T REALLY CARE FOR CHASING WOMEN /
+NO, I GET DRUNK ON... BOOS /
+BECAUSE...
+YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE TO BE HATED /
+FIND THE GOOD IN BEING BAD /
+THE CROWD IS FULL OF GENTLEMEN /
+BUT THEY'VE PAID TO WATCH THE CAD
+YES IT'S A HOOT, A KICK, A GAS /
+WHEN YOU'RE THE VILLAIN OF THE SHOW /
+ONCE YOU WEAR BLACK, YOU'LL NEVER GO BACK /
+IT'S A HIGH TO BE LOA-THED! / CHUCKY, STALIN, MEGATRON / ERIC CARTMAN, DONKEY KONG / VADER, NADER, SIMON LEGREE / TERMINATORS ONE, TWO AND THREE / IAGO, JOKER, VOLDEMORT / MCENROE ON CENTER COURT / MR. BURNS AND SKELETOR / KEEP YOUR GOOD GUYS, WHAT A SNORE
+SO LISTEN UP BECAUSE I'M GIVING / THE BEST ADVICE YOU'LL EVER KNOW / SO FEEL THE THRILL / I KNOW YOU WILL / IT'S A HIGH TO BE LOA...THED!
+I'll feel like I'll live forever as long as everybody wants me dead. Okay, Burns. Glamorous Godfrey will wrestle again!
+That cocaine I ordered is taking forever!
+I can't wait to see Grampa kick some ass! He's always pretended to be boring, but he's really a straight-up psycho!
+Your grandfather is not psycho! The only thing he's "straight-up" is loves you.
+"Gorilla Joe," "Gorilla Sam," "Gorilla Pete," "Ook and Eek, the Gorilla Twins"... Where did Mr. Burns dig up all these old wrestlers?
+Apparently, old folks homes are full of people that used to be things. Just like you and me. Swear to God.
+Welcome, aficionados of the roped ring, to a thrilling night of senior-on-senior action.
+SCORRRE!
+Folding chairs! Folding chairs! Can't hit somebody when they're not looking without a folding chair!
+Can I have one! Can I?
+And now our main event. In this corner: Baby Face Palooka...
+And entering the ring, America's original vainglorious bastard... Glamorous Godfrey!
+Yes, feel their hatred. It makes you strong, powerful... alive!
+You are the luckiest people in the world! You get to look at me!
+You show 'em, Godfrey! You're the prettiest old man in the world!
+Why do you think bad guys are so cool?
+Why do you still have a thing for Nelson?
+Do not. That's ridiculous-- It's just-- It's that-- He's-- He's a rebel and only I can change him!
+It's so sad that Grampa has to cheat instead of relying on his God-given wrestling skills. What kind of person revels in disapproval?!
+What kind of person, indeed?
+It's the prettiest boy in Springfield... Bart Simpson!
+You are the luckiest people in the world! You get to look at me!
+Hey Simpson, tell your kid to quit showboating!
+I've never seen anyone so full of self-regard! And I've worked with Bob Balaban!
+Your behavior at that game was unacceptable! You're lucky they gave you your participant trophy.
+I got one for just watching the game.
+Listen, getting people riled up is what heels do!
+Heel? Oh no, tell me you are not trying to be like Grampa!
+No I don't. If you pray to Superman.
+Well sure I am. I always thought Grampa was lame, but he's really awesome!
+Your grandfather is super lame! I mean, if he wasn't a terrible father, what's my excuse for this?
+I know your Grampa seems exciting now... But all that preening and cheating, those turnbuckle antics are not gonna make him happy.
+Burnsy, I can't remember the last time I was so happy.
+You grandson-ruining fiend! Look what your "number one fan" did at show and tell!
+Who would film such a thing?
+It's found footage!
+So what! We could use another winner in this family.
+How are you a winner? You're cheating in a fake sport!
+Fake? Ridiculous! If professional wrestling were fake... that would make every fan in the history of the sport a complete and utter moron.
+You know, I've always had a keen eye for tiny talent.
+Perhaps you and the lad could "tag team" up...
+Wrestle with Bart? He ain't beefy, but he is infuriating and you can't teach infuriating. Monty, you're a genius!
+Bart cannot be an old-time wrestler! As your inattentive son, and your incompetent employee, I forbid it!
+Why does everything I forbid always happen?
+So, Beautiful, you got your moves memorized?
+You know it, Glamorous. Eye gouge, ear bite, folding chair, hair pull, face-fart, flying face-fart, and then I start fighting dirty.
+They're gonna hate you so much.
+Oh, I get it. You're here to tell the kid he can't wrestle with his Grampa.
+I don't care if Bart is a wrestler, a busboy, or even a stoplight squeegee man... as long as he's a nice person.
+But if he gets too much attention for acting bad, he might turn bad on the inside...
+Eh, that's women-talk. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to comb out my curls.
+One, two, three...
+Beautiful Bart, can I have your autograph?
+Sure, here you go.
+Hey Bart, leave some of that bad attitude for the ring.
+The world is my ring now.
+In this corner, for truth and justice -- Captain Flag and Half-Mast.
+Now entering the ring, the first family of foul play: Glamorous Godfrey and Beautiful Bart!
+You all stink!
+Glamorous Godfrey is dead.
+I am "Honest Abe!"
+And this is "Laddie Liberty."
+What are you doing?
+I ain't a heel no more -- I'm a good guy... and you're a baby-face.
+But, but, what about the cheating?
+No more cheating.
+And the preening?
+No more preening.
+But I'm so pretty.
+That's for others to say now.
+What are you doing, Godfrey! You're a villain, not some bullet-brained rail-splitter. Without someone to hate, there's no excitement, no thrill!
+I don't care! My grandson's soul is at stake!
+How dare you! I wrote a song for you! When am I ever going to use that again? Curse you and this morbidly obese little half-wit.
+So they only want to see a good guy fight a bad guy, eh?
+Why are you so mean to me?
+He's taking on Mean Man Monty! Go get him, Honest Abe!
+This is why we go to everything in this town -- it always pays off!
+Honest Abe, can I pin him?
+You know it, Laddie Liberty!
+Damndest boos I ever heard.
+They're cheering, Grampa.
+This is what I've been missing my whole life.
+Oh, that was so sweet.
+I wish Grampa was my dad.
+Everybody out!
+Everybody in!
+Bathroom break!
+I spilled my pills!
+Music today has no melody!
+Everybody out!
+Children, you can stop writing letters of support to our troops. That was just busy-work.
+Now I want to explain Miss Hoover's absence. She is suffering from severe depression.
+Not to worry, she has been treated with heavy doses of...Lorazepam and other drugs from the...Benzodiazepine family.
+Now until Miss Hoover returns, this class will be getting a permanent substitute.
+Please let it be someone smart, motivated, and who won't just teach us corporate-sponsored lessons.
+Lisa, without corporate sponsorship, we wouldn't be able to teach you the three R's: reading, refreshment and Raspberry Buzz Lite. Get your razz on!
+Confident... Vassar sticker on the windshield... could it be... do I detect... enthusiasm?!
+She's brought her own orrery!
+And it's got no Pluto! How cutting edge!
+Please-be-her! Please-be-her!
+Is this Ms. Hoover's class?
+Meet your new teacher, Ms. Cantwell. Do not call her by the obvious dirty nickname. Now I must meet with the new art teacher Mr. Testaclese.
+Lisa Simpson, hi. As second grade student-faculty liaison, I'd like to welcome you-
+Get back in your seat.
+If I have any apples that need polishing, I'll let you know. I understand there are homework assignments.
+Well done, "Ralpa."
+If I can't remember the right letter, I just put an "A."
+Well, here's another one.
+Well, while you're grading so generously... here's mine.
+"B"... as in "because I say so."
+Nothing brings 'em around like old cafeteria meatballs.
+I thought you might be cold, honey, so I put this chinchilla coat on you.
+It's not chinchilla. I just thought she needed more sleep.
+Hey Flanders. Can I borrow some sugar?
+A little cream?
+Goes with the sugar!
+Now if you could make with some bacon and eggs, I'll be on my way.
+Why don't you come on in and have breakfast with us?
+Are your kids gonna be there?
+Eh, for a little bit.
+Homer, you know my parents, Capri and Nedward.
+Hey, hey, Homer J.! How many beers did you kill today?
+Dad, don't encourage him.
+Son, you are the Mayor of Dullsville.
+Now, you know we don't discuss politics at the table!
+Hello, police? I'd like to report a buzz-kill in progress.
+There's no emergency here! And please charge us for the false report! I'm going out for a power walk.
+This room just got a whole lot cooler.
+Okay children, ten minutes of free play.
+I'm a fun factory!
+Lisa. Free play.
+But I am playing! I'm hop-scotching from paragraph to paragraph, climbing the monkey bars of plot and theme.
+Oh, bull-pie. You're trying to get ahead of the other children.
+That's it! You're losing joeys!
+Please keep them together! If not for me, for the mother!
+The joeys go in feet first!
+Chauncey!
+Six miles and I'm all smiles!
+Funyuns?! Little Debbies?!
+That's cross-legged music!
+Look at the size of that bird! I'd go Henry the Eighth on those drumsticks.
+Homer! I can't believe you're partaking with my parents!
+Yeah, it's medicinal. We had a pain in our neck.
+I didn't know you were left-handed.
+Homer... you'll need to wear this eye patch for a couple weeks... and you may never see a film in 3-D again.
+But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.
+Ned Flanders, I can't believe you struck my husband.
+Marge, I've been racked with guilt and pain... my moustache fell out! This is a clip-on!
+Sorry, Homer. Now, do you mind if I pray at your bedside?
+You really want to know?
+Not praying to a character in a comic book.
+What about Christian Archie comics?
+Neither canonical nor comical.
+Here, I'll get you started. Hail Superman, wearing tights, Clark Kent be thy name... one nation, under Zod...
+Not praying to Superman!
+Ned, Homie's a little cranky right now. More than his eye, I think you hurt his feelings.
+Give him one of your famous murmurs, Marge.
+My what?
+Your famous murmur. You know .
+I never made that noise in my life!
+Thanks, Flanders. Punch my eye, destroy my marriage. Now just pull the plug and let me die.
+That's the plug for the light!
+Neddy, I know you feel guilty about cold-cocking Homer...
+Please don't use that word in bed.
+You need to get some sleep.
+Dare I take another sleep aid?
+Better not take a full dose.
+See you in eight hours!
+Was this always waitin' for me or was it recently thrown together? That's what I wanna know.
+Down here we worship atheist Richard Dawkins, author of "The God Delusion."
+I'm making Catholic Saint Stew!
+No -- not surf and Murph!
+The answer to my woe must be in here.
+Nope... not that... not to my taste... flag that for later... finally!
+I know what I must do.
+Ms. Cantwell?
+More than I want unicorns to be real!
+Well, if you guess, I'll give you extra credit.
+I remind you of you?
+Now you've got a demerit.
+This class doesn't give demerits.
+Now it does, and you just got another one.
+What if I home school?
+You're bluffing, I've driven by your home.
+Principal Skinner...
+Not now, I'm dealing with Mr. Testacleese.
+Look, kids can be cruel, Dick.
+Haw haw! We don't know when we've gone too far!
+"Ann, Mark, Bill and Sally are on the Ferris wheel. Ann is behind Sally. Mark is in front of Bill.
+Look who's on the Ferris wheel -- your precious Joeys!
+Better switch to Social Studies.
+Eleanor Roosevelt became Franklin's 'eyes and ears...'
+Here's the new deal: you fail!
+I wish you wouldn't wear sweaters that the senior ladies knit.
+Well putting my arms in sleeves is about all I got to offer a woman.
+What's the matter, sweetie? Is a book character having difficulties?
+I have a bully at school.
+Did you tell the teacher?
+My bully is my teacher.
+A teacher can't be a bully.
+Oh, they sure can! When I was a boy, teachers would rap my knuckles with a yardstick. Now you've got the metric system.
+We don't have the metric system.
+What? This isn't Sweden? And I'm not King Olaf? I've got some explaining to do down at the bank.
+Skin-ner! Why am I here?
+Did this fat boy injure his eye in shop class? That place is a killing field.
+We're here because our daughter is being bullied by your teacher.
+Mrs. Simpson, this school does not hire bullies...
+That's right. We...
+Quiet, nerd.
+Well, she's just a substitute. Maybe you could transfer Ms. Cantwell to another school.
+Nix! She's already got two weeks tenure so she's impossible to dislodge.
+I hate unions. There's this guy at my plant, caused three meltdowns and he still keeps his job.
+Homer, that's you.
+Oh yeah. I say "union" you say "power"! Union...
+Marge, you're really dogging it on the "power." But don't worry, because of the union, you're safe. So, just what are you gonna do for our daughter?
+We should talk about what we're going to promise to do, not what we'll actually do.
+We really appreciate that.
+Look at those eyes! There's an employee with a healthy case of the go-get-'ems!
+Hear that lion's roar of determination.
+Homer. Homer! I found the answer!
+Flanders?! How'd you get in here? This place is a highly-sensitive area.
+Who here wants to touch radiation?
+"Life shall go for life, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth..."
+Hey, I don't go to where you work and read the bible to you!
+I would embrace such a glad visit!
+Just what do you want?!
+I want you to punch me in the eye. If you do, then we're even, according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.
+So, you went and hired a law firm, eh? That's pretty aggressive.
+Jeepers creepers, pop my peeper!
+C'mon, man. What's the catch?
+Homer, just call me a little bubble 'cause I'm on the level. Punch me.
+C'mon, Homer. I'm insisting on a fisting.
+What's this about a fisting?
+I'm not punching you, Flanders.
+What? Why?!
+Because if I hit you back, we'll be even. But if I don't hit you, that makes me the better man. And I'm liking the way that feels.
+No! You can't! If I'm not as good as you... then I'm horrible!
+It's not for me to judge, Ned because... I am the better man!
+Now, there's no need to...
+Better man, comin' through... way-better-better, way-better-better zing!
+Enough!
+You may be the sweater man, but Homer is the better man.
+Now you're rhyming?!
+I didn't know you were left-handed.
+Hello Lisa. I was shocked to hear from Principal Skinner that you and I aren't getting along.
+You should never tell on a bully, Lisa. Everyone knows that.
+Lisa Simpson?! In detention?
+Every rap sheet has a first line.
+What are you in for? Murdering Chopin?
+Chopin.
+Can I ask you guys something? Why does someone become a bully?
+Neglect.
+I'm a Cubs fan.
+But why would my teacher be a bully?
+I dunno.
+Your bully's a teacher?
+That means all of us can be teachers!
+Boo yeah! I'm gonna buy me a Hyundai Elantra!
+Do not cross -- it is that monster that terrorizes the jolly fat man!
+Come on, people! You're safe as Sunday with me. I wouldn't hurt a fly!
+I saw the whole thing! That innocent fly flew from that fresh pile of dog feces right into that monster's mouth!
+Fear not, people. I will lead you safely across.
+Help me, Flanders!
+Never get into Heaven... took harp lessons for nothing...
+And here comes the tarp. The word "tarp" of course is short for "tarpaulin..."
+...which Wikipedia defines as a strong, resilient water-resistant material. That definition is a hit with no errors!
+What's wrong, Sweetie?
+My teacher's still bullying me.
+Even after we came to school?
+That just made it worse.
+Every time I try to fix things it just makes things worse. But I'm gonna fix this!
+I think I have an idea.
+Now there's a baby duck paddling around on the tarp! Do you think they move those legs one at a time or both at once?
+I'd go with one at a time, Vic.
+You know, the great Mel Ott used to raise ducks in Louisiana during the off season. And when a duck got sick he would take it to bed with him until it got well. Mm-hm.
+Flanders, I've come to forgive you.
+My prayers have been answered! Well actually, just this one.
+But, there is one condition...
+You wanna hit me. Well sir, here's a roll of quarters to put in your fist for extra punching power!
+Now you can shatter my orbital bone! That'll knock the wax off my candle!
+Don't wanna hit you. I want your wife.
+To elaborate, I want your wife, the teacher, to help get rid of Lisa's substitute...
+You know how you said you could help me with any desire and nothing was forbidden? Well, sir, I want you to rid of Lisa's bully teacher.
+There's only one way: the nuclear option.
+How much plutonium do you want? Gotta warn you, it might take me twenty minutes to get it.
+Ms. Cantwell?
+I have a new student for your class.
+Yes, this is a very rare mid-year two-grade send-back.
+Something's fishy. Are you dating this boy?
+Right. I can't be around him 'cause he's so delicious. Ha!
+Well, I can't see what harm one boy could do.
+When I come out of this I'll be a butterfly!
+I just went to the bathroom for two minutes!
+I know. Posted a video online.
+Stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa.
+Okay, you've won. You've driven me out of this plum substitute teaching job.
+Ms. Cantwell, I can make this stop. All you have to do is... like me.
+I... I can't!
+Wait! Wait! There's no need to leave!
+You showed up before the students! That's all we asked!
+You two are the worst-dressed gay men I've ever met!
+Ms. Cantwell! Wait!
+I've got to know before you leave! Why don't you like me?
+Lisa, sometimes you just don't like a person. There's no logical explanation. It just is.
+That is so unsatisfying.
+Here we go. If you don't get what you want, you get all pouty. All you pretty girls are the same.
+You think I'm pretty?
+Right. Like you don't get told that every day of your life with your perfect blonde hair, that kewpie doll voice that drives the boys crazy... and what eight-year-old wears pearls? Bookworms like me can't stand party girls like you.
+She hates me because I'm pretty!
+Not so pretty now, are ya?
+Can you sign my yearbook?!
+I'm glad the only beef between us is this burger!
+They sure are getting along.
+Heh heh, they don't know it, but I slipped a little into the brownies I gave them.
+How long has it been since we prayed together, neighbor?
+This is praying?! Let me outta here!
+Help me God!
+A plague is sweeping through Springfield...
+A blue bonnet plague!
+Springfield's ladies are wearing colorful Easter hats to celebrate the resurrection of... Jesus Christ.
+We'd better get this concert started. The giant chocolate bunny's melting!
+Hollow?! We paid for solid!
+Chief, the company's named "Bunny Hollow."
+I thought that was where they lived!
+Look at those delightful children, Smithers... all those healthy organs, ripe for the harvesting.
+Not here, sir. Not now.
+Not sure what I'm expecting to happen here.
+HERE COMES FLUTE AND PICCOLOS / WHAT COMES NEXT THE HORNS HORNS HORNS...
+THE HORNS HORNS HORNS!
+Blow, you little disappointments!
+Who could've shoved eggs up our brass?
+His amusement is tantamount to culpability!
+Easy, easy. Let's not jump to conclu--
+Too late... already jumped.
+Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye! It belongs in her pee-poo-birth-hole! Kill that boy!
+It's Easter! Why aren't these people at work?!
+Good Lord! Look at all these comical booklets!
+Yes, yes. Just don't exhale your death breath directly on them. Thank you.
+You know, I used to collect these bestapled fables...
+What are you reading?
+You should be out in the fresh air, kicking dogs! I'm gonna buy this publishing company and burn it to the ground.
+Why did you have to lock us in?
+Teach my son a lesson!
+How much for your entire collection?
+Um, the speed of light, expressed in dollars.
+Just give him Faraday's Constant.
+Nice going, Bart. You've ruined Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. The legendary grand slam.
+You guys, I swear I didn't do it.
+I don't like the sound of that funeral march.
+Okay! I'll pay for your damn band candy! What was it, seventeen hundred dollars?
+Forget the candy! We're here to turn this...into this!
+Now do me wearing a sombrero!
+Now have me sleeping under a cactus!
+Hand over your son, so we can administer "Band Justice!"
+I know this looks bad. And I admit, I would totally lie in a second to Lisa or Mom or Dad. But I would never lie to Maggie.
+I did not do that prank.
+Wow -- he passed the Maggie test. And remember how Maggie solved Cookiegate?
+All too well.
+To prove my brother's innocence, I demand a youth court!
+That's right! Bart must not be judged by these kids, but by a jury, of kids. Mostly these kids. There's only so many kids.
+I'm afraid once a youth court has been demanded, we are legally obligated to shut down mob rule, as decided in the case of "Rubber v. Glue" and reaffirmed by "I Know You Are v. What Am I."
+Son, if there's one thing I've learned as a defendant, and a juror, it's... stay out of the courtroom! It's so frickin' boring! Run, boy! I'll create a distraction!
+Anyone can conduct Sousa!
+Good news, bad news. We're allowed to select the judge, but it's impossible to find one who doesn't hate you...
+I know someone who would make a great judge! Would you kids believe your Grampa once argued in front of the Supreme Court?
+Not a chance. I mean, it's true! It was back in nineteen ninety-eight...
+I say Individual Rights!
+I say the Common Good!
+Gentlemen, our system balances both.
+Yeah? And how would you know... Attorney General Janet Reno?!
+That's right -- and that better not be your gum on the ground!
+It's not, but I'll take care of it!
+Stop doin' that!
+This is better than being a real attorney or a real general!
+The Attorney General and I have been playing chess through the mail ever since.
+I find that a little hard to believe.
+Yeah, why would you play chess through the mail when you can play chess through the internet, or preferably, not play chess at all?
+See here, sass mouth, you're not too big for me to tan your hide!
+It's not a threat if I don't know what it means.
+I'll fix your wagon!
+Thanks, I'd like that.
+I get a whiff of the immigrant from these newfangled superheroes.
+Hmm... reclusive millionaire, stately mansion, damaged psyche. He's just like me!
+Smithers, I too shall become a crime-fighting bat!
+But I won't become just any bat -- I shall be the terrifying bat who swoops from the sky and sucks the vital essence of his prey. I shall be: Fruit-Bat-Man!
+Great, great! I don't suppose you'll be forgetting about this tomorrow?
+No sooner than I'd forget my own mother!
+That's not your mother, that's your bear.
+Well, then, where's my stuffed mother?!
+All right, you soft-skulled nitwits, sit up straight because we finally have someone in this school who deserves your respect: Former Attorney General Janet Reno!
+Thank you, Gary.
+Grampa's story was true?
+First, I would like to say, "rook to E-8. Checkmate."
+Dagnabbit!
+Youth court is now in session.
+God, I love gaveling. Mr. Prosecutor?
+Over the next few days, you're going to hear how the defendant, Bartholomew Simpson, a/k/a the "Springfield Egger..."
+Objection! Prejudicial!
+Sustained!
+She sustained me!
+...how Bartholomew Simpson wantonly egged this town with Milhouse aforethought.
+Now hold on! Principal Skinner, are you wearing hard-soled shoes on this gym floor?
+No Ma'am! Sneakers!
+You're wearing sneakers to a trial?
+Oh God, the press is gonna have a field day with this.
+Yay! Field day!
+I can go koo-koo and no one can stop me!
+That's exactly what George W. Bush said when he was inaugurated. People don't remember that.
+This case is goin' great. Although as usual, I look nothing like the courtroom artist's drawing.
+Nice try, pop.
+Very dramatic, sir. A little more brooding, and...
+There's my superhero! Now let's get you to bed and...
+Hist! Look there!
+This looks like a job for Fruit-Bat-Man!
+Perhaps we should just call the police.
+The police? Bah! Every last man on the take. And I should know, because I'm on the give.
+I've never felt more alive!
+Look. I'll give you each a thousand dollars if you pretend to let that old man out there stop this crime.
+Feel the crumbling fist of justice!
+Ouchers! Oh dear.
+Who are you, mysterious octogenarian of the night?
+I am the squeak in the rafters, the flutter in the chimney, the tiny teeth-marks in the peach... I am "Fruit-Bat-Man!" Now, back to my natural realm, the inky night!
+I'll just take one of these keychain penlights.
+You have to keep squeezing this thing?! Who has the strength for that?
+So when I came in the Monday after Easter, I noticed three dozen eggs missing.
+And do you think this boy took those eggs?
+Him?! All he takes are sodas and desserts!
+Objection! Unhealthy!
+But could Bart have gotten those eggs?
+No way. They were under lock and key.
+No one could've touched those eggs except me and the seagulls that laid 'em.
+No further questions.
+Ah, to be young and on trial.
+A toast, to our enigmatic new protector -- who certainly isn't me! Smithers, wink my eye!
+Wanna hit the hot tub, Burnsie?
+Well, I hate to get all pruney, but heated tubbery is what we playboys do!
+Great work, everyone! That's a wrap!
+It's nice to make an old man feel good about himself.
+You said it.
+So Bart couldn't've taken the eggs. I was with him the whole weekend.
+You'd make up any lie for that Simpson boy, wouldn't you?
+Yeah, but I'd pee my pants.
+Nelson?
+Dry as a bone.
+Now that's what I call legal briefs!
+Why are you here?
+I thought of the joke and rushed over.
+Your Honor, I think we've seen enough. I have demolished the prosecution's claims and made the prosecutor sweat through two shirts.
+I move that you dismiss this case, and release this sweet, lovable boy.
+Motion... denied.
+Miss Simpson, your grandstanding summation contained a grievous error. By calling your brother "sweet and lovable," you opened the door to testimony from anyone who doesn't think he's sweet and lovable.
+The prosecution calls everyone in the world!
+Mr. Szyslak, what name did the defendant ask for when he called you at your bar?
+He asked for, uh, Mike Rotch.
+And then what did you say?
+Well, I said, um... I said "Mike Rotch. Um, Mike Rotch." And then, I... I'm sorry...
+Take all the time you need.
+I-I-I yelled out, "Has anybody seen Mike Rotch?"
+You see, they, they thought I was askin'... if anybody wanted to see... my... oh man, this is so painful... my crotch.
+Thank you for your bravery today.
+I just had to make sure that he never did this to another bartender.
+Pass the gravy, Gloria Allwrong.
+The trial's not over and gravy is dead animal juice.
+Just remember this: a Simpson never gives up.
+You gotta be kiddin'.
+A civilian! She mustn't know I'm a hero! Gouge her eyes out!
+My wha?
+Mr. Burns, I came here because my brother is about to be wrongfully convicted. And the man I'm looking for would help me find the truth.
+Don't you get it?! I don't care who you are or what you want.
+Now get lost!
+I think you just sent away the first person you could've actually helped.
+What do you mean "actually?" I've punched out four Homer Simpson-shaped burglars tonight alone.
+All those crooks were fakes! Set up by me.
+Even the abominable Doctor Lenny?
+No, he was a happy accident. But the rest were fakes, just like you. A man who claims to be a hero but is nothing more than a fraud with a cute little bod.
+They're calling for you, sir. But who's gonna answer?
+Agh! What the hell is that?
+And so I've learned that the only true Batmen are Christian Bale and Adam West. Why are you washing Bumblebee Man's pants?
+I volunteered to wash the egg stains off everyone's clothes. It's one of those things you say and hope nobody takes you up on it.
+That's odd.
+What's odd?
+This skirt has a small splatter...
+Splatter?
+Splatter, as if the egg had been crushed against it by hand--
+I don't follow.
+--like someone faked being hit so they wouldn't be a suspect.
+Interesting. Except you missed one thing.
+What's that?
+It's not a skirt. It's a kilt!
+Ah... the wood chipper. Is there any sweeter music?
+Why'd you do it, Willie?
+Because the world is better off with four fewer Welshmen! Wait, what are we talking about?
+This kilt says you framed my brother! Why?
+Because I hate Easter! You see, ladies, I'm not just a Presbyterian.
+I'm a Scottish, "Old Believer" Presbyterian.
+Old believers don't recognize holidays not celebrated by the original apostles. Especially one named after the pagan god "Eostre!"
+But how did you get the key?
+I made sweet love to Lunchlady Dora then copied the key as she slept.
+Now, as for your evidence...
+Behold the pointed ears of justice!
+A human fruit bat!
+He's so light -- it's like fighting a silk scarf... or a kimono sash!
+Yes, feel the weightless tickle of justice!
+Which side won, good or evil?
+And which side was I on?
+Also, good.
+Well, there's two surprises!
+Will the defendant please rise?
+It's amazing how much exercise I've gotten from those words.
+Pause the inquisition!
+Behold the real egg-flinging fiend!
+Aye, 'tis true. I pulled the prank for some daft Scottish reason.
+I'd fire that man if he weren't so damn good at what he does.
+We have a school full of professionals, sir.
+Really? Where is that school? Inside your head?
+Another mystery solved by Attorney General Janet Reno. Case dismissed!
+You saved me, Lis! For the rest of my life, you'll always be my "one phone call."
+Aw... but I do hope you'll try to be good from now on.
+Don't need to. I've got you.
+Children, let me be clear: despite what happened here, last-minute confessions, shackled Scotsmen and meddling billionaires are not how the legal system works. Well, the last one is.
+Today you were truly a hero. Thank you.
+Excellent.
+You know, if you're gonna be a hero, you might not want to tent your fingers like that.
+Is this better?
+Maybe you should wrap your hands behind your head.
+Maybe I could wrap them around your gabby little throat!
+Ah! Tenting! Tenting! Back to the tenting!
+Acquitted?! Then my nightmare isn't over?
+Well, Fruit-Bat-Man, it seems you're no match for me, the Abominable Dr. Lenny!
+Gentlemen, this threat is too great for just one elderly hero. We have no choice but to activate... the Octogenarian Initiative.
+The Rambler.
+And then there was the time I taught a dog to make oatmeal...
+Early Bird.
+Hot Flash.
+Iron Lung.
+It is time to pull up... the Dependables.
+I open one, no trump.
+Double!
+You've just made a powerful enemy.
+What do women want? Throughout the her-story, that's right I said her-story, of planet Herth -- men have attempted to answer that question and failed. Or should I say "maled?"
+Keep it under your hat, guys, but I've got a date with a married woman.
+Let me guess: is it Marge?
+Her husband's gonna be there too.
+Got it. You and Marge.
+Give up? It's Marge -- I'm having a lunch date with my wife.
+Good one. / Yeah, you got us, man.
+Date with my wife.
+Yeah, well I got plans for lunch too. I'm lying under a tree!
+Everybody's got something.
+This is the coolest sushi restaurant in town! It got three-and-a-half stars in the Springfield Tire Guide!
+When we got married I promised you a life full of romance. Now here it is.
+Not fresh enough!
+Can we get some soy sauce?
+We do not recommend soy sauce with that particular roll.
+NO SOY SAUCE! You... and all your ancestors... banned!
+But but I didn't--
+Edamame them away!
+You really think that's gonna get rid of us?
+How you like this soy sauce?! The customer is never right!
+If they can be that rude, the food must be great!
+I was just leaving a tip!
+Tip included!
+Marge, this is amazing. I never realized some restaurants are better than others.
+I hope you are enjoying your sushi.
+It's as yummy as your poorly-produced local commercial said.
+I argued against that cowboy hat, but in the end, it worked.
+So without the kids we can have sophisticated grownup talk.
+Oh yeah.
+Uh, I'm thinking of getting Maggie swimming lessons.
+Beats drowning.
+When God rested on the seventh day, did He take a nap or do a hobby He enjoyed?
+I think I'm interesting!
+What? What? You're interesting. Why would you say that?
+Can you chew with your mouth closed? It's like looking into a garbage disposal.
+Words hurt, you know.
+The most romantic part of this was the hold music when I made the reservation.
+Maybe it's time for a visit from Wally, the Kissing Walrus.
+Everything has its breaking point... even the strongest substance in the universe... a married mother of three.
+That usually works, but not today.
+Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch but it's become terribly ocuous.
+Conversation, conversation... you look great.
+And uh, how was your day?
+You can't spell "lousy" without "us."
+I'm going to take a cab.
+Marge, wait!
+Listen, we swore we'd never go to sleep angry at each other.
+I'm not going to sleep!
+Well, you didn't have two beers with your lunch.
+Oh my God! A marriage so perfect that I could take it for granted for years, suddenly explodes. What do I do?! What do I do?!
+For a man confronted with danger, two responses immediately come to mind.
+I like that picture of the sneaker with wings. I'm gonna flee!
+Where's an electric sidewalk when you need one?
+Fleeing didn't work. I have no choice. I will have to... do whatever the other thing was!!!
+As Homer prepares to fight for his marriage, another battle between the sexes begins.
+On the other side...of Springfield.
+Just once I wish Lisa would get up, come over and sit next to me. She's getting up! She's coming over! This is a nightmare!
+I think our lunches got mixed up.
+Oh, I'm sorry, that means I threw yours out. But I still have a couple of your mini carrots.
+What's the matter? Not a vegetarian?
+Milhouse? Got anything good?
+Sure! I've got goulash, schnitzel, salmagundi...
+Ooh, a cupcake!
+Oh yeah... um... do you want it?
+I'm going to give up my cupcake for one second of attention. Isn't there a better way to relate to a girl?
+Go wash up and help me clear the table.
+Now, that's how I clear the table!
+He could board my streetcar any time.
+Why doesn't Blanche go for that delightful Karl Malden?
+Who, Potato Nose? Forget it!
+For some stupid reason, chicks dig Brando. Sweaty clothes and mumbling? I've been wasting my time with this sophisticated act.
+Lisa, you can't have my cupcake.
+You heard me, Duchess. It's mine and I'm saving it.
+Oh. Okay. If you'll excuse me, I have to go think of you in a different light.
+Great. She's never gonna talk to me again.
+I'm sorry I was inconsiderate, Milhouse. And furthermore, I respect you more for saying "no."
+Tell ya what, babe. Why don't you get me a milk?
+Milhouse, where are you going with this?
+Playing the biggest hunch of my life.
+I just have one thing to say...
+Chocolate or regular?
+Why am I doing this?
+I don't want a PhD! I want a baby!
+In-ground?
+What are you doin', goin' to Wisconsin for the milk? I've seen cafeteria ketchup move faster.
+Who knew having a backbone was attractive?
+Certainly not I. It would change the way my suits fit.
+Milhouse, you'll probably think this is lame, but I was gonna go for a nature walk after school and I thought maybe you'd like to...
+Just start nature-walking. See if I show up.
+Milhouse has made his choice, and if there's any justice, he's doomed. Now, let's see what Maggie's up to.
+Moving on...
+Why are all his laundry basket shots three point attempts?
+What are you doing home from work?
+I'm fightin' for ya, babe. Fighting like I would for the last slice of cold pizza in the box. And to show you how serious I am...
+From the gas station?
+From the place beside the gas station!
+Well, that does sound good...
+I'll just stick this in your apology card drawer.
+No! I'm tired of your broken promises! "Marge, I'm gonna lose ten pounds." "Sweetie, I'll be home at eight p.m." "Sweetie, I'll be home at eight a.m." "I'll take you out to the most romantic lunch of your life." I'm done!
+Marge was so happy when I made those promises. What changed?
+Milhouse, seeing you there... saying nothing... it's the cutest you've ever been.
+Hush, sweet boy. Let me get lost in the blue of your eyebrows.
+Whatever. Did you bring me that sandwich what I sent you out for?
+It came with fries or salad.
+Whichever you picked, you picked wrong.
+Well I wasn't sure, so I got both. Who knows her little Milhouse?
+I'm acting like a jerk, and Lisa's eating it up. Why don't I feel good? I need advice from the most important woman in my life.
+...so everything was going great, and then I wondered if the me she likes is the real me.
+Well, let me say this is the first time you've been brave enough to sit in this office without a bunny in your lap.
+Where is the bunny?!
+He's in the closet. He's fine.
+I'm over here, Milhouse. Focus.
+You've gotta help me, Doc. I just don't know what to do.
+Don't worry, I'm here for you, and I'll be here for as long as it takes.
+I'm fired?! You're on your own. I'll clean out my office immediately.
+I'll show you how to clean out an office!
+I don't usually say this to kids, but don't be yourself. Because yourself is not working. Be that guy you just were.
+Gotcha.
+I love you, Fluffy Fella.
+I just got fired! I need it more than you.
+Fluffy Fella! FELLA!!!
+Meanwhile, Homer was doing something very difficult for him -- thinking.
+How do I win Marge over? I could get her kids to like me! No, that ship has sailed.
+Fortunately, the modern man has a third alternative.
+Hm. Would it make a woman happy to do the things she asked you to do?
+I think it would!
+Searchy? Where can I find brake fluid?
+There are... fourteen... taco Joes in your area.
+That was yesterday.
+"Yesterday" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
+Where can I find a better voice-activated search machine?
+I can't please any woman.
+Milhouse, I'm not sure why you left me in the forest, so I made cookies. But I didn't know what kind you liked, so I made you seven kinds. I've become my mother! Well, common sense never goes out of style That was too easy!
+Lisa! Did you see Marlon Brando in "Mutiny on the Bounty?"
+No. Nobody did.
+Then this is just me!
+Bart! Milhouse!
+Okay, let's see how straight it is.
+Guess who's coming to dinner!
+What have I told you about comical entrances?
+Sorry. But you never said anything about comical exits!
+Homie, what are you doing?
+I'm planing down that door that always sticks. I put training wheels on Bart's bike, and made an appointment with the dermatologist to see about my slowly-receding hairline.
+Homer...
+Yes, my love?
+This list is from six years ago.
+Oh. Well, you know how in the Special Olympics they give medals just for showing up?
+How many times do I have to tell you to quit comparing our relationship to the Special Olympics?
+When all is lost a man's mind turns to one thing and one thing only.
+What fish may I deplete from our oceans for your passing pleasure? Perhaps some shark fin soup? Whale tonsils? Baby dolphin blowhole? Turtle smile?
+I'd like a lot of food, and for this to be the last decision I have to make.
+You want omakase: chef's choice.
+You're all I have left. I trust you completely.
+And I you. Let me run your credit card to celebrate that trust.
+Okay... this should do it.
+Thank you, Mr. Franders.
+Lis, you saved us!
+Milhouse, are you okay?
+Milhouse, for Superman Two, I got five million dollars for three days work. So don't expect any more free advice from me.
+How about me? Potato nose?
+Uh... later!
+I see tears in your toro.
+Marriage is so tough. Every second it could explode catastrophically. Makes me not want to come home from my job at the nuclear plant.
+I say marriage is like fish. There are parts so delicious they could've been sliced from angels...and parts we make into omakase.
+Omakase? Where have I heard that word before?
+You haven't! Now finish your omakase.
+Although we have but one ocean, it offers many special delights.
+Wow. Wow. This is the most delicious analogy I've ever eaten. I need to share this insight with Marge. Put this in your finest Styrofoam!
+Once again, by eating alone I have saved my marriage.
+Please enjoy, with my compliments. You can even eat the eyes.
+He ate the eye!
+For reasons I forgot in the car, this sushi represents our marriage. But what I know for sure, is that I want to share it with you.
+He's taken a step. He's really close. All he has to do is not eat a piece before I do.
+Okay. But every man deserves a second chance. As long as he doesn't...
+I'm not hungry. Goodnight.
+Well, at least you don't have to suffer, boy.
+Someone fed my sushi to a dog!
+You didn't get so mad when I told you I was fired today!
+Blessing in disguise. Now you can get your PhD!
+Here we go again.
+Lisa, I could be anyone for you... except someone who's mean to you. So I'm just gonna cave in and give you the cupcake.
+I don't know... it's four days old... I just ate...
+Who are you, the Queen of Siam? Just take the cupcake!
+I wonder if Brando liked cupcakes.
+I'm down to two a day, but I've been dead for ten years.
+Moe, can you think of a way to please a woman that starts with "f"?
+Hey, you know, it's funny you should mention that. I've been readin' that "Fifty Shades of Grey" and it turns out that what chicks want now is a guy to give 'em what-for in the bedroom there.
+Woo hoo! I'll woo her with woo-hoo!
+Ah y'know, if this is what women like, I should be a lot more popular. But it does inspire me to work on my fan fiction.
+"Sheriff Andy took Barney in his arms and kissed him deeply, then said: 'now if Aunt Bee asks, we were down at the fishin' hole'." I can't be the only one who likes this.
+Hello dere!
+The minister's wife? What are you here for?
+Um... protesting.
+Is this dominating enough for you, sweetheart?
+Go back to the cowboy thing and wait in the car.
+Help me out here, Homer.
+Listen pal, this may sound kinda kinky, but I would like to, uh, please my wife.
+Well, are you comfortable with role play?
+I think I could give it a shot what-what, guvnah. Bob's your uncle.
+Okay, no role play.
+Mmm... new cushion smell!
+Oh Marge! Come to the ga-rage! You know it'll be good 'cause I'm saying it in a sing-song fash-ion!
+It's a snuggle dungeon!
+Hey, Homer, can I get back my...
+What does this do?
+Just relax. Sit down. Not in that chair! It has no bottom!
+This is not putting me in the mood!
+Anger's a mood!
+Why would you think I'd like this?
+I don't know. It's just that you always say we should try new things. But I thought snuggle clamps just might rekindle...
+Quick! Call the Procter and Gamble help line!
+Really? Jeez, they make everything.
+I'm glad you're okay.
+Now, I'm gonna give you a powerful muscle relaxant.
+Huh. That was just a placebo.
+What does that mean?
+Powerful drug.
+Homer, I'm glad that you tried, even though now I can't find the washing machine.
+It's behind the Dingle Swing.
+So, you forgive me?
+Not because of what you bought, but because I realized that no matter what, you will never stop trying. And there's nothing a woman loves more than that.
+Thanks, honey. So you're not cool with any of the toys?
+Actually I'm cool with one of them.
+Which one?
+Not gonna say.
+What size batteries.
+Ooh! How many?
+Sixteen.
+Holy moly!
+And so Homer and Marge's marriage was saved for another week. As for Milhouse and Lisa...
+Aw, that's sweet.
+And those are the only two that reached the window.
+Are we forever to be trapped here in this sea?
+Look! A light!
+Perhaps that is the way forward.
+Our journey begins!
+Our poor couch...
+It sure has taken a beating over the years. Might be time to get a new one...
+Really? You wanna throw something out just because it's a little old?
+Hello, everybody!
+Are there any two words more exciting than "couch shopping?"
+No need. I already went online and ordered a new couch just like the old one.
+And you know, Marge, those salespeople weren't really our friends.
+But they let me take fabric samples!
+They charged a deposit!
+They had to! It came from corporate!
+That's right, sweetie. It always comes from corporate.
+Hey, this one's goin' to Springfield!
+Chumps! Don't everyone know that all New York furniture is full of bedbugs?
+Fuhgettaboutit!
+It's fuhgottabouten!
+I'm gonna put all my stuffed animals on it!
+All right, get comfy.
+Gentlemen, the fort is complete and will stand forever.
+No way the Nazis will get in here.
+I thought we were the Nazis.
+The latest New York fashion has come to Springfield -- bedbugs!
+Ew! Just hearing about them makes me itch.
+Funny how the brain does that, huh?
+It's making me see them!
+The brain is so stupid.
+Those are bedbugs!
+How did we get bedbugs?
+Probably one of Bart's dirty friends! Boy, why are your friends so dirty?
+D'unno. Why are your friends such drunks?
+Touché.
+I know this seems bad, but nothing brings out the best in Springfield like a crisis...
+Bring out your bed! Bring out your bed!
+Hold my hand.
+People, there is no need to worry, I have developed the perfect bed bug repellant.
+See, behold the power of modified bear pheromones.
+Marge, Milhouse was clean as a whistle till he played with your boy!
+Now, we don't know it was the Simpsons. I think the most obvious culprit is the poorest family.
+'Tweren't us! We don't have beds. We sleep in washtubs and coffins!
+Why won't somebody blame the children?
+Well, the good news is it forced us all to church.
+You know, in the Middle Ages people took refuge in church to escape the bubonic plague, but that made the plague spread even faster!
+Church!
+Everyone, please! Calm down! Reverend Lovejoy is here!
+He will give us succor.
+The Epistle of Jeremy is often cited as the most difficult book of the Apocrypha. But to me, none of the anagignoskomena are more contemplative than the book of Tobit.
+Mind if I pray through?
+It's the parson!
+Are you gonna let a sunny summer day be ruined by a few bu-bu-bu-bugs?
+God's soldier in cardigan!
+Looks like I picked a swell day to return your six iron, Reverend.
+Now lookie here, Tim. This is a five-alarm brouhaha. Now, for chili, that's just dandy, but I brought you a little backup.
+I think I'm more than capable of handling this.
+Need I remind you of the Bingo riot last summer?
+God called all their numbers that day.
+Please meet your new Associate Minister, the Right Reverend Elijah Hooper. He was the number two man from Shelbyville. Introduced angle parking. We got in six more cars!
+Folks, isn't he something, big hand for Reverend Lovejoy.
+Everyone says great things about you, Tim. And I can see why -- the posture, the haircut, the tiny feet -- it's amazing they hold you up, but they do. They do.
+So charming. It's like he's selling silver polish at the state fair.
+Look, here's why I'm here. Church should make you happy, like a warm mug of soup. Why does it taste better from a mug? I don't know, but it does.
+God help me, I'm paying attention!
+Okay, who here has read "Leviticus?"
+Okay, now who here has seen "Meet the Parents?"
+Me, me, me ME MEEEE! Me, meee!
+Hilarious film, showed a whole new side of De Niro.
+Where's my mail-order bride?
+At first he couldn't stand his son-in-law, but then they patched things up in a comical fashion. Remember? The point is, at the end of the day, we love each other.
+And that's all this thing really says.
+So don't waste your whole Sunday listening to us. Go home and watch one of the Die Hard movies on TV. They're always on, and they're always good.
+And ladies, drop in on a neighbor's open house just to see what they did with their sun room.
+Now, go on home. We're here every Sunday just like Snoopy in color.
+Can you believe this guy, Helen? Hey-- Helen?
+Yes, Helen.
+My wedding ring is creating a glare. Can you hold it?
+This is the worst Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time ever.
+One day out of rehab and I
+...debugged and fresh as a daisy.
+Cool! They give you a bag of the bedbugs they killed.
+Homer's oatmeal, meet your raisins.
+Homer's Pie Man costume, Lisa's red dress, Lisa's red dress, Lisa's red dress, Sunday-best Bart...
+Where is it? My wedding dress!
+Vodka? Is this Krusty's?
+A high-voltage monkey prod? It is Krusty's! He must have my dress. Let's go!
+What's the hurry?
+I don't want a comedian knowing my dress size!
+Wait a minute! This has oats in it!
+Ooh, a nose-hair trimmer!
+Yeah, I found a wedding dress in my dry cleaning. We used it in a sketch.
+How long was he in there?
+Don't worry. We cleaned up the crate real good.
+What about my dress?
+Uh, gee, I'm afraid that dress is long gone. I threw it out the window during my post-show hissy fit.
+Some of us don't have dressing rooms.
+Wooden!
+Plastic!
+Wooden!
+Plastic!
+Why do we always argue over coffee stirrers?
+You know what's really stirring? Live local theater.
+Whoa, whoa, whoa! Before I let a Holy Joe walk in this bar, I've gotta know which of the two true faiths you represent.
+Well, I represent an easy-going offshoot of Protestantism.
+That is the wrong thing to say to a snake handler.
+Easy Moe, easy!
+Oh, this thing's just loaded with rock salt. I just use it to keep raccoons outta my fridge. And of course to coat the rims of my margarita glasses.
+Padre, can I be honest with you? I've sucked every church book ribbon there is hoping to find one made of cherry. But there isn't.
+And if it's such a "Good Book," how come there's no blurbs on the back? Not even David Sedaris? And he'll flack anything!
+Seriously, "Pews?"
+Homer, I love your passion. It's terrific, it's really something. Listen -- I'm just thinking -- would you consider being my deacon?
+Deacon? Is that like one of those weird Catholic Priest things?
+No, not at all. It's like a sexton, or a rector.
+Oh, now we're talkin'. But why me?
+Because if I can get the man who sleeps through church to be my guy, this town will know that religion can be fun.
+Well I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim. But as we say in the snow plow business, "I'm your astronaut"!
+What do you think?
+I didn't think Shotgun Mike's Bridal Store had a nice dress, but you found it.
+Homer! You're not supposed to see the dress before the wedding!
+Just looking for the bathroom.
+This is not the bathroom!
+But this paper towel feels so good.
+I'm sorry your dress is gone, Mom.
+Oh sweetie, it's not for me. I wanted you to wear that dress at your wedding.
+Well then you shouldn't feel bad because I can't imagine myself ever getting married.
+Homer, your daughter doesn't want to get married.
+That would save us several hundred bucks.
+Tell her she's wrong!
+Right, um, I don't understand, Lisa, we let you get up early to watch the Royal Wedding!
+Hey, I have a weakness for pomp!
+Since when?
+So you see, what Jesus is saying really can be explained by an episode of "Californication."
+Now Reverend Lovejoy will lead us in song...
+GOD LIFTS YOU UP WHERE YOU BEL-- GOD LIFTS YOU UP WHERE-- GOD LIFTS YOU UP-- Um, give me a minute...
+Uh, but first, let me introduce our new deacon... Homer Simpson!
+It's an honor, sir.
+Homer Simpson a deacon?! But why?
+You bring in the lost sheep and the others will follow.
+Lost sheep! Yes! Sis boom bah!
+I don't think there's a place for me here anymore.
+Heading for the door... pushing the handle...left foot across the threshold... now the right...
+Walking to car... stepped in hole... twisted ankle... tremendous pain... keep it elevated...
+Church bulletin? Church bulletin? Find out in whose loving memory this week's service is. The answer may shock you.
+Dad?! You always hated church!
+Now, for the record, I hated the building, the people in it and the spirit it represented. I never hated the church itself. And now, finally, I believe in something bigger than myself.
+The only thing bigger than you, is you tomorrow.
+Why you little...! lamb... mustn't... kill own son... only God can do that...
+Church bulletin? Church bulletin? Church--
+Someone finally took one!
+I'm mentioned in it 'cause I'm sick.
+Sorry Maggie, I just don't have the touch today.
+Mom, I found your wedding dress!
+Using something this town has never ever seen: good, honest police work.
+I staked out the alley and befriended the garbage man who took it. Then he gave it to a local theater company, who used it in the first unsuccessful version of "Mamma Mia." In a bankruptcy sale, it was bought by a young couple. That couple right there!
+I now pronounce you husband and wife.
+Thank you for finding it, sweetie. And seeing someone else get married in it is better than having it myself.
+You never know, Mom. I'm only eight. I might get married someday... even if it's only a green card marriage to keep a Chinese dissident from being deported.
+We can have the reception at Wong Lee's!
+DAY BY DAY... DAY BY DAY... THE DEACON'S JOB... IS PRETTY OKAY... PRETTY OKAAAY... I'M GOING TO BE A DEACON... DAY BY DAY... I'M ALREADY A DEACON... DAY BY DAY...
+Dad, the Oogle street camera's driving around town today. Wanna go moon it with me?
+We need guidance!
+Son, I'd love to, but... I'm a deacon now. My butt's place is in my pants.
+Church songs with clapping... I don't think this is what Martin Presbyluther had in mind when he founded our religion by sticking his Three Suggestions under the Pope's windshield wiper.
+Mr. Flanders? This new reverend has thrown tar in your half-pipe too?
+I don't understand that on any level, but yes.
+Well let's get Lovejoy back. Do you know where he is?
+He's in a place full of brimstone and exposed flesh.
+You mean he's selling hot tubs?
+The Seventy-five hundred is all about jets, jets, jets. That's the one place you cannot cut corners. That, of course, and underwater speakers.
+That sounds expensive.
+I need this, Apu!
+Sir, can you please turn up the bubbles so we can argue in private here?
+We wouldn't have to do this if you remembered your Hindi.
+Oh I remember it! I'm just pretending I can't understand you.
+Reverend, we want you to come back.
+Well, let's face it, I wasn't cut out for that job. Nobody listened. Look, the boy's not even listening now.
+He's right, these underwater speakers are amazing!
+Reverend, this is just the kind of tomfoolery that's been on the upswing since you left! Pure, unadulterated tomfoolery!
+We shall take the Seventy-five hundred!
+And not a single jet more!
+Sorry, Ned. I finally found my calling. How are you guys fixed for decking?
+Oh, what a surprise. A huge new expense you didn't tell us about.
+We've lost him.
+What the--?
+Hey! There's a fifty in my vest pocket. Will you buy us some beers?
+The only cool thing about my dad was that he hated church. And now he's turned into a fat version of Flanders. No offense.
+None taken.
+God doesn't need Twitter to reach people. He uses leprosy and plagues.
+Plagues...
+Ew, locusts. Darkness, yawn. Bingo! Flanders, are you willing to get Lovejoy back by hook or by crook?
+Neither! And I don't like it when other people rhyme!
+Yes, but if I do something will you look the other way?
+I'd like to turn in this boy for thinkin' about doin' something naughty... and myself for waiting thirty seconds before bringing him here.
+Whatever. Take 'em away, boys.
+And that's why Flanders will never ever be my partner in crime again. Thanks for bailing me out.
+Yeah, but don't push it. There's only so many times I can tell Nana it's my birthday. Now what's this prank?
+First, we got every dead bedbug in town.
+To think those exterminators were just gonna throw these beauties away.
+Now to leave a nice clean trail of bugs out of the swamp... the frogs follow... and Hooper's got a plague he can't handle.
+Ugh, one of these bedbugs is still alive!
+Ah, much better.
+He took my contact!
+Now I've got two in one eye!
+Remember you said, "When Hell freezes over?" I think this is close enough.
+I'm in no position to argue.
+Help Help! frogs! / What should we do?
+I have a plan -- save your civic leaders!
+Calm yourselves! In times like this, there's one almighty being we can put our faith in... Reverend Hooper.
+It's okay, everyone. Who here has seen "The Blind Side" with Sandy Bullock? Remember when Big Mike was overwhelmed with scholarship offers? Well that's kind of how we are with these frogs.
+To hell with your references!
+We're dyin' here!
+I'm more frog than Moe!
+Ribbet. Ribbet.
+Do something!
+Um, videogames! Twitter! "How to Train your Dragon"! "Fight Club"!
+The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. / He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. / He leadeth me beside the still waters. / He restoreth my soul.
+His words have soothed the amphibious beasts!
+His boringness saved us all...
+Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Lovejoy!
+Where do you think you're going?
+Let us pray.
+All right, we collected all the personal information from... Flanders comma Ned. Let's move on to the next house.
+Hmm, that's weird. Four spheres -- two small, two gigantic. Better zoom in.
+Compliments of the deacon!
+DAY BY DAY / DAY BY DAY / I'VE GOT THREE KIDS / AND TWO ARE OKAY / TWO ARE OKAY! / ONE OF THEM IS THE BABY / THE SMART ONE IS MINE MAYBE / I HOPE THE BOY GETS RABIES / DAY BY DAY BY DAY / DAY BY DAY... / OH I PRAY / DAY BY DAY BY DAY BY DAAAY!
+Oh boy.
+Is that the radon detector?
+Mom's deleting old TV shows off the DVR.
+Marge, you're deleting the two thousand nine Oscar Red Carpet! There were some awesome dresses! And quite a few dis-as-ters.
+Fine. What would you get rid of?
+Well, I can't part with a single one of my "Hoarders"! Hands off my episodes of "Episodes," and if you delete "Revenge"...
+Fine. I'll just get rid of these Itchy and Mitchys.
+For every one of my cartoons that you erase, I rip up a family vacation photo. And just so you know I mean business, here's an ear!
+All right, at least I can delete these Westminster Dog shows.
+Fine. I'm getting rid of this American Masters "Kitty Carlisle."
+It's not what you think!
+...so I stayed up for the last eighty-seven hours watching all my shows.
+Nothin's gonna delete these!
+Guys, there's somethin' I wanna tell ya. Somethin' important.
+So who do you like, the Padres or the Tigers? I'm not talkin' about baseball, I'm asking if a priest can beat a big cat in a death match in some kind of polygon.
+Hexa- or octa-?
+Only one way to decide: arm wrestling.
+Who am I kiddin'? They don't care about me.
+Suicide. Finally. I'm really doin' it. No more cries for helllp! 'Cause this time there's no one that's gonna save me! I mean, it's not like I'm beggin' ya, please, please show me some love! Yeah, it's nothin' like that.
+Eh, maybe I should call. Give one of the new kids a chance to talk to the legend.
+Hello, you have reached the Buzz Cola Suicide Hotline.
+Our options have changed, so please listen carefully.
+State the reason you are committing suicide.
+Nothin' to live for.
+You said, "business problems." Is that correct?
+No! I got nothin' and no one!
+You said, "face sucked off by vacuum cleaner." Is that correct?
+No! No! Help me! Help!
+If your face is in the vacuum cleaner bag, press "one."
+I just wanna talk to a human being!
+Please hold for our next available life-extension agent.
+SUICIDE IS PAINLESS / IT BRINGS ON MANY CHANGES / AND I CAN--
+That tears it! No more delays!
+Hi, I'm looking for a Mister Ron -- first name Moe.
+Moe-ron? Moron! It's you, you little puke... I am gonna tie a rope around your neck and hang--
+I'll show you who's a... moron.
+...and that's why libraries use newspaper rods.
+I know C.P.R.
+I took a class where you do chest compressions to a Bee Gees song.
+HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE... HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE...
+Are you sure it wasn't "Stayin' Alive?"
+Too on the nose. I REALLY NEED TO LEARN / 'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A WORLD OF FOOLS...
+BREAKING US DOWN...
+WHEN THEY ALL SHOULD LET US BE... WE BELONG TO YOU AND ME...
+I BELIEVE IN YOUSE... you guys, you saved me! You do care!
+Now wait a minute. Gotta make sure you're okay. Who's the president now?
+Some jerk.
+He's back!
+And I really wanna thank you all. You gave me a new lease on life, and I'm gonna take this opportunity to...
+What's the point?... same ol' stinkin' world... ah, this post-suicide afterglow gets shorter every time!
+Homer Simpson!
+The woman I love!
+I sent you to the store to get applesauce for Maggie two hours ago!
+Well, uh, I was just leaving, but Moe... had an accident.
+What kind of accident?
+I... uh... may have tried to end it all. Wasn't even good at that.
+Excuse me, will you?
+That poor man. We've got to do something to change his life.
+We could write on his face when he passes out.
+That's always good for a laugh.
+No, no, it has to be something big that'll change his whole outlook. Why don't we take Moe on a road trip?
+Oh, that, hey, that's really sweet. Hey, can Noosey come too?
+Moe, this trip is about turning your life around.
+With the three desperate barflies that you see every day.
+Maybe I should come too.
+Four guys, a chick and a noose. Just like the movies I like to watch.
+Grampa's in charge of you kids while we go to Capital City.
+Ooh, you're a good eater today, Maggie.
+Bart, you're in charge of Grampa.
+C'mon, Moe! Stick your head out the sunroof.
+You'll look like the richest dog in the world!
+Lighten up, man, the Big City!
+Wow, look at all them countdown clocks!
+Acres of rainforest left, deaths by lung cancer... it's magical!
+All I see is two million people happier than me.
+Moe, I know things haven't been easy for you. But you're with people who love you in the most exciting of the twin cities.
+Capital City has a twin?
+Moved to California to be a star, but it just turned into Glendale.
+So what do you say, Moe? Will you give me a smile?
+Well, I'll try...
+Maybe if I just tilt my head back here...
+Thatta boy.
+Okay, Moe, one more surprise.
+Gentlemen's Whorehouse? Oh, ho, ho!
+No, no, it's a Wearhouse. We're all gonna chip in and get you a new suit.
+A new suit? Oh, ho, ho! I'll be the best-dressed john in the whorehouse! But listen, are you guys sure you wanna spring for something that expensive?
+Yes. 'Cause every time you wear it you'll know how much we love you. Like the one pair of blue pants I bought Homer twenty years ago.
+They're like a wedding ring, I can't take them off anymore.
+Oh Moe, this suit really brings out the herringbone in your eyes!
+No, it's a forty-four long -- I wear a thirty-eight hunched.
+Got anything for a man my size?
+Absolutely not. Tent City is across the street.
+Tent, eh?
+No husband of mine is wearing a tent!
+No tents, no barrels, no kiddy pools. Thank you, fashion police.
+Not bad, not bad.
+And look over there, Moe.
+And that's me. Hey, thank you, guys. Thanks. It's a brand new day.
+Okay, final checklist. Checklist ready?
+Mom and Dad still gone?
+Uh, check.
+What about that snoopy girl reporter that's always hangin' around?
+You mean my sister?
+She's your sister?
+The plot thickens.
+Clueless little Lisa doesn't suspect a thing.
+Whatever Bart's doing it's got to be pretty bad for him to get me tickets to this amazing jam session!
+My tailbone! And it was my last good bone!
+All the greats are here -- Jellyroll Jones, Boston Cream Basie, Birthmark Billy Jackson, Grabass Walker, The Fatneck Sisters, and... Bleeding Gums Murphy?!
+I GOT THIS BRATTY BROTHER / HE BUGS ME EVERY DAY...
+No! That's impossible! He's dead! I lay a saxophone reed at his grave every year.
+Lights and magic, Lisa. You don't need anything else. But I took a buncha stuff anyway.
+It's a hologram?! Well, maybe if it's in good taste...
+Aw, c'mon.
+Five seconds to slip-off. And four, three--
+Boy? What are you doing up here? Also, what am I doing up here?
+Bart, you said your grandfather wouldn't bother us!
+I gave him a caramel. He should have been chewing for hours!
+I couldn't unwrap it!
+I've got you, Grampa!
+Hold, bolo, hold!
+I don't wanna die! I wanna still be a burden!
+Please be okay...
+HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE / HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE...
+Yes, Grampa!
+Kiss my forehead.
+Man, I must really love him.
+I'm not gonna die today.
+Aw, that's so sweet.
+Let's get all our grandfathers and chuck 'em down this thing!
+Why am I in the basement? Shouldn't I see a medico? If the Wilson's calf is birthed, Doc Miller should be available.
+Thank God your mental powers haven't deteriorated.
+Well, why the hell am I down here?
+I was supposed to be in charge of you. I can't let Mom and Dad know what I did. But I promise I'll take good care of you until you're well again.
+No deal! I'm gettin' outta here!
+There, there, you'll be fine. I'll take care of everything you need.
+I want a foot rub!
+Yes, but do you need one?
+Nobody needs one! Now start rubbin'!
+Rub harder.
+Sorry, pal.
+Sorry? Pal? Hey, that's common courtesy. The kind I've only seen in movies! This suit is amazing.
+This dump is too filthy for a man with a positive worldview. I'm gonna start cleaning!
+Dirt... carpet... another layer of dirt... Congoleum... hardwood?! The perfect floor for doin' a happy jig!
+And now to light up the sign and let the world know that the new improved Moe is open for business.
+Wow, non-losers?! I Never thought I'd see the day... Gentlemen, what can I getcha?
+We'll take anything you've got aged fifteen years or more.
+Well, I do have this bourbon that I brewed myself. It'll either be the best thing you ever had or the last thing you'll ever have.
+Wow! Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
+Moe, we're venture capitalists. We turn dreams into money that mostly goes to us, but you get a little.
+Tell me more!
+How many bottles of this Kentucky Kool Aid do you have?
+Just the one, but I could whip up two or three hundred thousand more.
+Moe, you've got a great product, a fantastic suit, and we're gonna give you everything you need.
+Startup money. Branding specialists.
+Corporate jets. Private drivers. If your feet touch the ground, we've failed.
+This is all so sudden.
+Now it's not. I'm in.
+Only one more thing we need to do.
+Check this out with our focus group.
+So, what do you think?
+Be honest, now.
+I love it!!!
+I've made a lot of mistakes, but liking this ain't one of 'em.
+Every time I call Grampa's phone, I get no answer.
+Uh, he told me he was going to nap most of the week.
+Oh, good. He needs his sleep.
+Time for your meds.
+Go pink! Come on, pink! / Come on, blue! Come on, come on, come on, take it, take it, there you go, yes!
+After a pulse-pounding race, hypertension pills win again!
+Call me crazy, but I can't stop betting on dementia.
+Now what say we turn the hot water on and off while your father's taking a shower.
+Thank God I'm not in the shower!
+Grampa, we've been spending so much time together, I almost feel like you're part of the family.
+Awww...
+And I've been wondering... not like I miss having my afternoons free or anything but... are you starting to feel better?
+Absolutely not. My crotch is crotchety, sittin' down makes me uppity, and you call these cups pleated?
+Okay, okay! Just checking.
+Dear She-Done-Left-Me-Records. Once again, I write protesting your holographic exploitation of blues icon Bleeding Gums Murphy. I call for a boycott and girl-cott of your entire catalogue until you... Sonny Rollins?!
+That's right, Lisa. And I'm here to beg you to stop writing those letters.
+You're siding with record companies?
+This isn't about money, Lisa. From Tupac Shakur to Dwight Eisenhower, holograms have introduced some of our leading dead people to a new audience of people with money.
+Resetting... resetting... from Tupac Shakur to Dwight Eisenhower...
+You're a hologram, aren't you?
+No. Resetting... resetting...
+Have you no shame?
+Does this answer your question?
+My name's Princess Di, and I'm here to say / When I watch a DVD, it's got to be Blu-ray! Take it, Gandhi!
+First Bank of Springfield... say "Mumbai" to high checking fees!
+Hey, thanks, guys. I ain't never been to no fancy rooftop party before.
+No beer? That's a pretty big screw-up.
+Moe, we've got a special surprise.
+You like chicks with nose clips?
+Then you're really gonna be happy.
+Bring it, girls.
+Hey, that is the most accurate picture of my face made of girl-parts that I have ever seen!
+And it's not decadent, because you can ask interns to do anything.
+Thanks. Thank you so much, Ken and Glen!
+You're welcome.
+Anything to celebrate your I.P.O. tomorrow.
+You know what that is, right?
+Moe, we love your whiskey, we love your back story, and we love that suit that hangs off you like silk on a skeleton.
+So starting tomorrow, we're gonna sell shares in your company to the public. All you do is show up at the stock exchange, ring the bell, and you'll leave a rich man.
+We'll see you tomorrow.
+Enjoy your last night as a Democrat!
+Dang it. The suit's stuck in the door.
+No, no, no!
+This building's got ninety-eight floors! And I'm goin' down to P-6! P-6!
+Moe? What are you doing?
+Midge, the suit got a little mussed up. I gotta ask ya... is it noticeable?
+Thank God the kids aren't here.
+Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.
+The suit wasn't magic, Moe. Don't you know the story of Dumbo the elephant?
+Uh, I didn't go to movies as a kid. Spent all my time at the pierógi factory. Dab the potato, fold the dough. That was my Star Wars.
+Well, Dumbo had a magic feather. He thought he needed it to fly, but it turned out the magic was in him the whole time.
+So you're saying Moe's Dumbo, his bourbon is the giant ears, and we're that flock of racist crows?
+The crows weren't racist -- the people who drew them were.
+Okay, I get it. I get it. It wasn't the suit that made the bourbon -- it was me! And I can do anything!
+Don't stand up!
+Except stand up.
+Grampa, I made your favorite dinner -- teething biscuits soaked in buttermilk.
+DA-DA-DA-DA-DAH...
+OH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH. THE PAIN! THE PAIN!
+You're completely fine! I've been taking care of you, giving you love and attention... for nothing!
+All right, boy, I admit it. I've been faking being hurt. Just like I fake liking those terrible homemade Christmas gifts you give.
+But Mom said it was a gift made with love.
+Did she?
+No. Even she thought it was crap.
+But what you did wasn't for nothin'. It was the best two weeks of this final, horrible part of my life.
+Well... you are the first thing I took care of that didn't die.
+I hear that a lot.
+Heya, guys.
+Security! There's a homeless monster up here!
+Hey, hey, hey! I'm your partner, Moe.
+Now let's go make us a fortune, huh?
+Look! It's Quasimodo without the pathos!
+People, please, please.
+My name is Moe Szyslak of Makers Moe Bourbon, ticker symbol M.O.E.
+I'm the C.E.O.--
+--and I promise that I will hand-brew every bottle with these very hands, huh?
+I'll supervise production. I'll manage marketing. My face is gonna be on every bottle!
+And we will use only the finest ingredients made in America.
+Glad you're back, Moe. Least I don't have to train a new bartender to make what I like... beer to the top.
+Not today, old friend. But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.
+Urgent message from Nelson Muntz.
+Haw. Haw.
+Well, I am gonna write a note back to Mr. Muntz.
+Sorry about that. So, Mrs. Simpson, the reason you're here...
+Let me guess... you need a field trip mom?
+A library volunteer? Someone to Purell the CPR dummy?
+Resusci-Kate is just fine, thank you.
+We're here to talk about Bart.
+What did he do now?
+Today, I am not here to talk about what he did. I'm here to talk about the future.
+What did he do in the future?
+I'm not sure what he's planning, although there is a lot of internet chatter. I want to change his character: less Dennis the Menace, more Casper the Ghost, if he were still alive.
+What if Bart took music lessons? Music lessons could channel his destructive impulses into artistic expression. I myself have been taking flamenco lessons.
+Got it, music lessons!
+Mother!!!
+Stupid clog...
+My head hairs! I'm bald!
+Get-- Get get in there...
+Woo hoo!
+Aw, dammit!
+Welcome back to "America's Most Tattooed Baby." Now, if the Lindblads can fit one more tattoo on baby Jennifer -- and she's getting pretty full, I can tell you that -- they win the grand prize of ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS! So what'll it be?
+Tattoo baby! / Walk away! / Tattoo baby! / Walk away!
+TV's gotten so lousy.
+Did you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns?
+TV's not so bad.
+Sweetie... did you ever think of doing something a little more creative with your time?
+If you're worried about your Mother's Day present it's in the works.
+I was thinking something more artistic. Something musical. You could take advantage of a fantastic musician living right here!
+That's the kind of riff you can aim for after years of practice. We start off with the fun stuff: music theory.
+Don't worry, music theory's just a fancy word for music math.
+My dear boy, you undoubtedly think of the slide whistle as merely a whistle that slides. Let me disabuse you of that misperception.
+Do you have any idea how difficult--
+Bye, now.
+Behold! From the pages of "Dune" and "Dune Messiah" -- Gurney Halleck's beloved zither -- the baliset!
+When I die, you will carry on the tradition of... the Frink-e-min.
+Ah, Mr. Homer. I see you are wearing the bald man's beret.
+Is it that obvious?
+Oh yes. The only thing that screams "I am hiding hairlessness" more is a goatee.
+I'm as smooth as jazz.
+My wife has never seen my head naked. Maybe I should wear a cowboy hat.
+A cowboy hat means "I'm ashamed of my small penis."
+Don't even ask me what this means!
+Yee haw! I'm-a compensatin'!
+New student! Sit at piano! My daughter teach you! You! Mother! Come to kitchen and see picture of my dead wife!
+That's okay. I...
+No, no, no, no, no. She's not dead in picture. She's dying.
+Let's go, Bart...
+So, you want lesson?
+Yes... I want lesson.
+I accept your whip.
+So, how much are lessons?
+I give you something you want, you give me something I want. I'm sorry, did my voice go all evil? It is common with Russian accent.
+You'd better be asking for something P.C.: pie or cake.
+Here is my offer: my daughter give lessons, you teach me to drive car.
+There might be some nagging involved.
+Deal! Now we toast with vodka!
+Now we drive!
+Homer, I recommend getting drunk on my most expensive beer: Duff Platinum.
+What the? But I used the best label paste.
+Those two hairs were what was left of my youth, Moe.
+DRUGUYU NEVESTU DRUGOĬ IYUNYA / DRUGOĬ SOLNECHNĬ MEDOVYĬ MESYATS
+Hey, come on, there's sexy bald like... uh... Babar, king of the elephants. I read his books as a kid. He married his cousin, Celeste. That was my takeaway.
+Those royal elephants have trainers to keep 'em in shape. Average schmoe like me, forget it.
+Well, let me see how bald you are.
+Dear Lord. Here. You need this more than I do.
+Just what exactly is this good for?
+It's nice when something you plan in your head for so long comes to fruition.
+Where you goin', Bart?
+Piano lesson.
+Ooh, piano lesson.
+We put two of those guys up there just for usin' a big word.
+Caché is not a big word.
+Clickety clack!
+Wait, wait! I'm not learning anything! I'm just goin' 'cause the teacher's pretty.
+Okay. But you'd better steal bananas for all of us.
+I willll!
+Let me go! I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.
+What gender?
+You're not allowed to ask.
+Okay, check your mirrors. Hands at ten and two. Slowly back out of the driveway--
+Daddy said I was a accident.
+Okay, let's try again.
+That is so beautiful. Did you write it?
+These are scales. Now, memorize. "Every good Boris deserves farm."
+Let me try.
+Every good booger deserves flicking.
+Your tongue is nimble, unlike sausage fingers.
+Sausage fingers!
+Do what I do.
+YESHCHE ODIM SEZON, YESHCHE ODNA PRICHINA
+DLYA VUPI MAKIN'
+DLYA MAKIN'
+Whoopee...
+Scales!
+Lesson over.
+Lesson over.
+What are you doing?!
+Want to go backwards. Like Russian economy, under Putin.
+Stop making Putin jokes!
+You sound like police... under Putin.
+Ugh. Speaking of police...
+I'm sorry, Officer. I believe my license is... ...somewhere in these pairs of easy-fit blue jeans. Eh? Eh?
+That's not the way American police do things!
+Finally. Someone who knows what a traffic stop is really all about.
+Uh, Chief, don't you think those jeans are a little tight?
+We're all not high-waisted like you, Lou, okay?
+I'm gonna... lie down in the back seat here.
+Okay. All right, the blue knight is ready for action!
+What's wrong?
+Every note you play sounds like dying animal writhing on keys.
+Awesome!
+I just want to get more students and help my father with his dream -- driving a limo! He could tell big shots in the back that, no, they cannot smoke.
+Seriously, I'm gonna make you proud. I have hidden talents.
+Oh "Bort," if only you make such a miracle happen...I would love your hands forever.
+Wait a minute, you can't hear.
+I am so proud. I would've been happy if Bart was just a piano mover.
+Thank you. I owe it all to Zhenya.
+Can you teach my boys? But no tickling the ivories. You treat them with respect.
+Can you teach my monkey? Then I can deal with the Musician's Union instead of the Humane Society. Much easier to muscle.
+Zhenya, I couldn't have done it without you. And you.
+Bart, I've never been so proud of you. Never, never, never!
+And now I'll always be at home in a saloon!
+Something smells fishy.
+Yarrr, that would be me. But I agree. There's something funny here.
+Is it me?
+Hey, your baseball cap's one plastic bump tighter than usual. What gives?
+Okay guys, here's the deal -- I've gone bald.
+Then again, who cares?
+Yeah, you already landed a hot wife. That's the only reason men evolved hair.
+What are you talking about?
+You lured Marge in with your hair. You trapped her with marriage. You skinned and field-gutted her by having kids. Now she's mounted on your wall for good, with fake glass eyes and a rubber tongue.
+The way you put it, it sounds so perfect, but it's not.
+You sound seriously depressed. Why don't we talk about it over at Moe's?
+It's not even noon.
+Yeah, I've got a watch, egghead!
+I couldn't help overhearing your predicament. Mainly because my hearing is so great.
+Who are you?
+The answer to your prayers.
+You'll need your voice to say "thanks, Mom" after your next recital!
+Are you my guardian angel? If so, can you turn a pumpkin into a chariot? Even a used Camry would be okay.
+No, just a regular hairless Joe like you. Been bald since I was twenty-three. With the money I've saved I bought a yacht.
+You're cool with it? I haven't even told my wife.
+You wait for the right moment, you show her that glorious dome, and then you rest it sweetly on her bosom and let the kisses flow like rain.
+Wow, is that what your wife did?
+No wife. I just slept with thousands of bald women.
+Caught your recital, Bart. Lisa, isn't it great to have a musical genius in the family?
+Helen Lovejoy, you always have to stir the pot.
+Unlike you when you make your lumpy clam chowder.
+I guess Bart must be a musical genius, because frauds are always found out. Always.
+My work is done! Now to reward myself with a case of wine.
+Hi Zhenya, I'm here for my lesson.
+Good to see you, my love. Sit on porch.
+Are there other people in here?
+Because of your performance, I win many new students.
+C'mon. I gotta learn my mom's stripper music by midnight!
+If I got you all these students, shouldn't you be grateful?
+Of course I'm grateful. Here is cushion for porch chair.
+Go to "bata boom."
+Mopped myself into a corner...
+Mom, you'd still be proud of me if I couldn't play piano, right?
+Of course. But very, very, very angry at all the time I wasted.
+Gulp?! Was that a gulp? Are you getting a sore throat? Let me give you some castor oil.
+I signed you up for the Ten-And-Below Talent Show next week!
+You know, I'm almost eleven, it's not really fair.
+Bart, when you were on that stage, it felt like you were pouring those notes right into my heart.
+Hey, one of those notes could go to your brain and kill you. Are you sure you want to take that chance?
+A proud mother always does.
+First of all, you're over ten years old. Second, you're clearly Justin Bieber.
+That's another twenty-five bucks we'll never see. Guh!
+WHO CAN MAKE THE SUN RISE... Why won't anybody tell me?!
+I'm sorry! I was faking it!
+I lied so I could see Zhenya.
+Zhenya. / Oh, Zhenya. / Everyone knows Zhenya.
+But there's really only one girl whose opinion matters to me. My Mom.
+I'd like to go home now. And to think you'd do this on Mother's Day.
+Is it too late to make you breakfast in bed?
+Uh, Mom? I'm sorry I pretended to be good at piano-- And I'm really ashamed that I lied.
+Excuse me.
+Mrs. Marge, I took my driver's test!
+Did you pass?
+More or less.
+If I eat an orange wedge, the whole thing's gonna blow!
+Well, I'm glad your side of the deal worked out.
+What are you talking about? Your boy is genius!
+No, he cheated.
+Marge, in Russia, everyone succeeds by cheating. Even Russian dressing is just thousand island.
+But your son is a good boy. He cheated for love and he cheated for you.
+Thank you!
+Which one?
+All right! A chance to make a new friend!
+Listen, sweetie... it was wrong of me to force my dreams on you.
+Yeah, your generation won't have any dreams come true.
+Sweetie, you're just gonna be who you are.
+Well, who am I?
+You are unique, you are special, and at some point that's gonna come together and work for you. I know it.
+Thanks, Mom. And that means no punishment, right?
+Wrong. You have to walk all the way over to Grampa to take a plate of cookies I baked.
+Here's your new plate, Grampa.
+Oh boy! There's crumbs on it!
+Marge, I have something to show you.
+Is it your impression of Mr. Burns eating soup? Because I'm not in the mood.
+No, it's something else.
+I always wondered what you were hiding under your curly locks, my beautiful yellow melon!
+Hair, no hair, I don't really think about it.
+Confidence is so attractive in a man.
+Tell me about it.
+Oh Marge, when you hold me like that...
+Thank you, God.
+It's been a brilliant day of women's tennis, with Petrovkova narrowly edging Mashakova.
+We take you now to doubles action between Pavlyuchenkeka-Vilnikova and Strakova-Mishtnupetrateva.
+To me it's legs versus boobs.
+What the--? Change the channel? But I'm watching soft-core tennis!
+Ki-Ya Karate Monsters!
+What the hell is that?
+It's our favorite show!
+Mom said we could watch it!
+Did she really say that?
+Are you gonna walk upstairs and ask her?
+From a Shaolin monastery in Transylvania come helpful hell-spawn! With homicidal honor they rampage for peace! Ki-Ya
+You like this now? What about "Planet Jackson and the Earth Brigade?"
+Dad! We don't watch that show anymore!
+It's for babies!
+Planet power!
+Kung Fu Werewolf chop!
+Blob-Jitsu kick!
+Stop it! No Karate Monsters at the dinner table!
+It's Ki-Ya Karate Monsters.
+Samurai Shampoo Blast!
+Ninja Throwing Soap!
+No Karate Monsters in the bathtub!
+Ki-Ya Karate Monsters!
+Happy birthday dad! / Happy Birthday Grampa!
+Did this really happen?
+Pill Attack!
+Actual Sword Attack!
+I've had it! No more Karate Monsters!
+Ki-Ya--
+That's it -- tomorrow we're doing something educational! We're going to the science museum!
+Dammit!
+Finally! Actual science!
+You did it, baby. You promised no fun and you delivered.
+Ah, hello there! I am Blaise Pascal, inventor of zee probability theory. What are the odds of meeting you here?
+Excellent, I would say.
+And in I go.
+My friend Silly Squirrel is about to buy a lottery ticket. Silly Squirrel, do you know the probability of winning the lottery?
+Why, you are more likely to be run over by a car...
+Or be hit by lightning...
+Or murdered by an acquaintance...
+If you understood probability, you would never play the lottery.
+Guys, this science exhibit that told me how stupid it is to play the lottery.
+So you didn't buy our weekly ticket?
+Are you nuts? You can't win if you don't play.
+Hey, it's time. Turn it on! Turn it on!
+Four lucky numbers for four best friends.
+Yeah, I always go with three -- the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, "Hunger Games'd", in the womb.
+Nineteen for me! And for the best year of my life: nineteen ninety-six.
+My number's twenty-two. No reason. Just twenty-two.
+And I'm sixty-nine, because people always laugh when you say sixty-nine. No one knows why.
+And the winning numbers are... three, nineteen, twenty-two and sixty-nine.
+Oh my gosh... we won. We won the Springfield lottery!
+That's two hundred grand! That's fifty thousand bucks each!
+Guys, guys, we gotta celebrate! Throw a ragin' party! I'll cash the ticket, Homer, Homer, you get the food--
+I'll get mini-dumpsters of wings from Garbage Wings!
+And Lenny, you get the drinks!
+But we're already at a bar.
+Oh, no, ah, that's just gasoline and hot dog water.
+Who cares? We got the money! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!
+To the best feeling in the world -- money.
+Guys, I got big plans for these winnings. I'm going to build... a swimming pool.
+So freaking far in the ground, baby.
+What about you, Carl? What are you gonna do with your share of the money?
+Oh... I guess Carl ain't back yet from cashin' in the ticket.
+I'm sure he just got held up in traffic.
+Yeah, that's probably what happened.
+I wonder what's keeping Carl?
+I hope our friend wasn't in an accident.
+I'm glad we're the kind of people who are worried about Carl's safety instead of thinking that he ripped us off.
+I wasn't thinking that! Carl's our good friend.
+Our good friend!
+Yeah, good old Carl.
+Good old Carl's phone went straight to voicemail. Again.
+The power of friendship is so amazing, I don't feel at all suspicious of Carl.
+Drive faster because of the power of friendship.
+Carl's gone.
+Our money's gone.
+We've been betrayed -- by good ol' Carl!
+Guys, I think we might need a new song. FOUR BEST FRIENDS WHO NE-VER QUAR-REL
+HOMER SIMPSON, LENNY, MOE, AND... AND...
+And no one...
+All our lottery money, gone! If I ever see that Carl again, I'm gonna freeze him, chop him up into ice cubes, and scoop him into the urinal trough at the gathering of the Juggalos.
+Guys, give Carl a chance! I'm sure he's gonna come back!
+I don't think so -- his travel neck pillow's gone from its pedestal...
+Fellas, he ain't comin' back.
+You don't know that! I'm gonna keep looking till we figure out what really happened.
+The geyser's one of the most famous natural wonders in... Iceland. I guess that's where Carl's from.
+I bet he flew to Quebec to bring us back authentic French Canadian sugar pie. Oh, I can taste it already. "Mmm, thanks for the sugar pie, Carl."
+Hey, what's this? "I've gone home. Goodbye forever, Carl Carlson."
+Where'd you go, Carl?
+I had plans for that money too -- I was gonna be one of those guys who's really into hot sauce! Hot sauce suspenders, hot sauce pajamas, bolo tie with a little chili pepper on it...
+I still can't believe it was Carl who took your winnings. I thought it would have been you, or you, or you.
+I know, me too. It's the ultimate screw-over.
+Maybe he had a good reason to give you the ultimate screw-over.
+He said he went home, and his passport is gone. What country is he from?
+You don't know where Carl is from?
+Come on, you know how dudes are. We don't go digging into the past. We talk about guy stuff.
+You know, guy stuff.
+Maybe if you'd talked less about guy stuff you'd know more about your so-called friend.
+Well it don't matter no more, Midge. Carl is gone, and we're already auditioning replacements.
+This could not be more offensive. Man!
+Oh, of course.
+Hey, hey, get that outta here! I don't ever want to see that moolah-stealing jackpot-thief again!
+Wait a minute! Something's reflected in the lenses of Carl's sunglasses!
+I just need to get closer.
+He's looking at a geyser! And there's a sign in front of it!
+It's too small to read.
+It's backwards.
+Try this.
+Strokkur Geysir.
+Ice-land? Is that even a real place?
+I thought it was Superman's Superman-cave.
+Iceland keeps the most detailed family records of any country in the world.
+There... Carl was adopted... by a couple who lives outside Reykjavik.
+Well if that's Carl's home, then that's where our money is! And that's where we're going! We gotta pack!
+Fifty bucks per bag? I guess I'm only bringing one guitar on this revenge trip.
+You're going so far away. I'll miss you.
+Baby... I'm going for us. That money is gonna dig us a swimming pool that'll take our broken family and make it whole.
+We're not broken!
+We're broken.
+We're pretty broken.
+How am I going to sleep if someone isn't pushing me all the way to the very edge of the bed?
+I've already taken care of that.
+Oh, that's perfect.
+I can't wait to see the smile on Carl's face when we surprise him. I call first hug!
+Hey Lenny, when are you gonna wise up? Carl never wants to see us again! I'm done talkin' to you!
+This is funny, it says here Iceland is green, and Greenland is icy. The Vikings switched the names to trick everybody.
+/ That's pretty good! / Great gag!
+Hey Vikings, it's still pretty damn cold!
+I only packed shorts!
+Excuse me, uh, we're looking for our, friend... he's, uh, about so tall, uh, wears a jacket, he's, um, got no visible tattoos...
+Just say he's black, Moe.
+You say he's black!
+His name is Carl Carlson.
+There he is! And he's got our money!
+Carl Carlson! His family has been hated for a thousand years.
+How do you know about Carl's family?
+Our country is very small, very judgmental, and very nosy. Ingimar Ögmundsson, how progresses your gonorrhea?
+It heals, but slowly.
+Why does everybody hate Carl's family?
+Here's why.
+This saga tells of how Carl Carlson's family were the watchmen of the coast, always keeping an eye out for invading hordes. Iceland's safety depended on their vigilance.
+But the Carlsons failed in their duty. The enemy invaded, laying waste to our lava fields, burning our sweaters, and feasting upon our tiny horses.
+Apparently screwing over your friends is in Carl's blood -- his adopted blood.
+All right, this is it, Carl's family home. Twenty-two...
+Ooh, phew, oh, that's a lot of letters.
+Twenty-two Hjorleifsstræti. So that's why twenty-two was Carl's lottery number.
+Yeah, and that's why his sweatpants say "Hjorleifsstræti" across the butt.
+The gates are locked.
+Well then we'll just have to wait for him to come out.
+Oh man, stakeouts are so boring. I wish I had something to look at.
+I guess I'll just read the car rental contract again.
+Damage waiver, check. Return with full tank of gas, check.
+All drivers must be over the age of twenty-five... and check.
+Love ya, Mom. See ya, Dad.
+It's Carl! Wake up, wake up!
+Aw, dammit, we lost him!
+It's no use. We're perfectly matched.
+We did it!
+Give us some answers, or you'll get a mouthful of rotten shark fermented in its own urine.
+No, no, anything but the inedible, repulsive food of my native land!
+Yeah Carl, tell them the good reason you had for borrowing the money.
+Look, I admit it. I gave you the ultimate screw over. But I did it to clear my family's name. Everyone blames the barbarian invasion on my ancestors. But that saga had a missing page.
+Oh yeah... a page was torn out.
+My family's always believed that we fought bravely against the invaders, and the missing page will prove it! I took the lottery money to buy that page and restore my family's honor.
+Why didn't you just tell us? We're your friends.
+I didn't tell you because... we're not friends!
+Friends share their feelings, their hopes, their dreams! Friends know their friends are from Iceland! We are just guys who sit next to each other at a bar and talk about guy stuff.
+So all those years of hanging out... meant nothing?
+Not to me.
+Sorry, Lenny.
+That's all right. Now we know. It's all out in the open. I guess it kinda makes it easier now for me to... To kill Carl!
+Uh-oh. When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show.
+My eye!
+My eye!
+My eye!
+My eye!
+Hey, hey, hey, Lenny, forget him, forget him! Look, we still got the money.
+What the hell is this?
+That's the missing page from the saga. That's what I spent our lottery money on.
+Then this belongs to us!
+Please, give it back! Please! It'll restore my family's honor!
+Maybe we'd give it back to our friend, but we're not friends, remember?
+Sorry, Carl. It's World War II all over again -- America kicks Iceland's ass.
+Guys, do you think Carl was right? What if we're not real friends? Maybe we are just lonely guys who do... guy stuff...
+Hi, Homie! Did you get the money? The kids have been stocking up on pool noodles!
+Put the noodles in the shed. There isn't gonna be a swimming pool.
+Carl spent all our money on this stupid page from a stupid saga.
+I say we make it into saga soup and have ourselves a soup sip.
+That'll show Carl for de-friending us in real life!
+I know Carl did you wrong, but is destroying something he cares that much about really going to make you feel good?
+Well, we won't know that till after.
+Just read the saga and see what it says.
+But how can we learn to read ancient Icelandic?
+Forvitinn.
+I can't do this! I CAN'T DO THIS!
+You can't not do it!
+Okay, let's see what this thing says.
+"When the barbarian invaders came, the Carlsons met them with their weapons ready"...
+Wow, Carl's family really was brave!
+..."weapons which they immediately threw down in surrender. The Carlsons then let the barbarians in the back gate and joined in the sacking, the looting...and the volcano-ing of the village elders.
+The Carlsons then wrote down this saga so no one would ever forget their treachery and cowardice."
+Carl's family was even worse than people thought.
+They were the original ultimate scumbags!
+Carl betrayed his friends, blew the lottery money... all for nothing.
+Hey guys... I think I feel bad for Carl.
+Yieg err meth frau-baii-rr-a hoo-g-minn-d.
+Attention everyone in Iceland! We have an important announcement!
+Take a break from your dreary lives to hear Americans lecture you!
+Is this everyone?
+I've learned something about the people of Iceland. You've endured barbarian invasions, total financial collapse, and a lesbian prime minister.
+You've managed to survive on a craphole island that looks like the moon and smells like rotten eggs. And to do that, you have to be stubborn.
+But I ask you to put aside your stubbornness while I tell you about Carl Carlson...
+Shame on Carl's family!
+The blood of a thousand tiny horses is on their hands!
+It doesn't matter what happened a thousand years ago. For Carl Carlson's honor has been redeemed by the deeds of Carl Carlson.
+Carl Carlson who helped me move, even though I moved the week before.
+Yeah, and when we were painting my house, Carl Carlson brought that blue tape, you know that really makes you look like you know what you're doing. You peel it off, and you got that super-straight line there.
+And when he brings a six-pack to my house, he doesn't take the extras home with him. Carl Carlson leaves them in the fridge.
+Carl Carlson is our friend. Even if he doesn't believe it.
+Aww... thanks, Flanders. Gotta warn ya, he doesn't talk much.
+If we can forgive Carl for stealing our lottery winnings, maybe youse can find it in youse's hearts to forgive his ancestors.
+The many small kindnesses of Carl Carlson have redeemed his family forever!
+Mom, Dad, our family can show our face in public for the first time in a thousand years.
+How can you say these men are not your true friends?
+I-- I can't! I can't!
+Guys, thanks for teaching me the true meaning of male friendship: the stuff that comes from in here... that is guy stuff.
+We don't get together to share our emotions. We get together to escape them.
+Yeah, I'd tell you guys I love you, but, uh, I don't wanna say it, and you don't wanna hear it...
+To nothing!
+Okay everyone, get ready to see your brand new...
+What is it? What is it? What is it?
+...keg-pools!
+Fine, I'm going home.
+Our first anniversary.
+And we're more in love than ever. In your face, people who said it wouldn't last a year!
+I stand by my wedding toast!
+Let's just enjoy our happiness, Homie. Accidental motherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to a woman. And I think Bart's finally outgrown his misbehavior.
+Better clean that off.
+You have a great day, ma'am.
+Wish I could get a little of that attention.
+Hey, Simpsons! Don't mean to be a pesto, but I'll be happy to watch your scampy shrimp.
+He's not your daddy.
+Nice Daddy. Moustache Daddy. Good Daddy no-yell.
+Fat daddy smell like beer!
+I'll teach you to speak in complete sentences.
+But first, m'lady, let me escort you to Heaven -- the fancy Swiss chocolate store on level three!
+Homer, you're the anchor store of my heart!
+Just call me Borders Books, 'cause I'll always be here.
+Haw haw!
+His first word!
+Oh Homie, what a wonderful anniversary!
+Yep, we've got something money can't buy - love on a train. And I promise each anniversary will be better and better...
+They have to get off and get back on.
+Sometimes you have to say to hell with rules.
+But somehow our anniversaries didn't get better than that first one on the train.
+Wait... you named me after a train?
+Yeah, just like we did with Bart. Anyway, this year I'm gonna recreate our magical first anniversary, ending with a romantic ride on that...
+Why are you taking away the train?
+I'm afraid no one rides it anymore despite millions in government subsidies. So we're replacing it with something that makes money and sends people to the food court.
+Step right up! Medical marijuana! You got nausea, my friend? Everyone's got nausea!
+And what is your malady, my son?
+Uh... I had one, but I forgot it.
+Memory loss! Could be a brain tumor! Take this and go see Fantasia!
+Kids, I've only had three great ideas: marrying your mother, using a hot dog as a straw, and this romantic train ride anniversary. Sir, I need this train!
+Take it home, it's yours.
+Oooohhh, I'm going to Hell!
+Are you sure mom is really gonna want a rusted-out kiddy train?
+She won't see it like this. I'll make this train look as beautiful as it did when this mall was young.
+Aww, Dad, I just got a little twinge in my heart.
+Try this.
+You stay away from my kids unless you're driving them to school!
+So I'm not babysitting tomorrow night?
+Oh, we're still on for tomorrow night.
+Dad! Do we have to ride like this?
+Hey, what could be cooler than a choo-choo with lollipops on it?
+Hey babies! Where you goin' in your baby train? Babytown?
+Shake it off kids, they're just jealous!
+Hey Lardo! Where're you goin' in your Lardo car? Lardville?
+There's no such place!
+Okay, I've entered my billing address... expiration date... and charged!
+We're back from "Baby Beethovens."
+That's Mozart, dummy.
+Well, thanks for watching Maggie. I just ordered Homer's anniversary gift.
+Must be tough.
+Yeah, what size cufflinks do you get an elephant?
+Well in the first place, the elephant's cufflinks would be the same size. It's the cuffs that would be bigger. As for Homer, I'm getting him a case of his favorite snack cakes, Dolly Madison.
+Marge -- this isn't Dolly Madison. It's Sassy Madison.
+Trust me, Homer doesn't care where the cupcakes come from.
+Sassy Madison is a dating site...for married people who are tired of the same old dessert.
+Check out their webvertisement.
+KELLY WAS AT THE END OF HER WITS / HER HUSBAND WAS TRULY THE PITS
+HER RELATIONSHIP SPOUSAL / HAD ZERO AROUSAL
+THEN SHE WATCHED THIS COMMERCIAL / AND FOUND HERSELF HERSCHEL...
+THANKS TO SASSY MADISON DOT COM!
+Sassy Madison dot com. It's not cheating if you don't know the person well.
+I just put all my personal information on their website!
+So now you're gonna get hit on by every loser in town.
+And this town's got losers like Mexico has headless corpses.
+So many unhappy men. How sad.
+You've got a lot of fish wriggling in that net. Maybe I should get married so I can date these guys.
+Selma, cheating is a sin. As much a sin as not replying to an instant message. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of sleazy gentlemen to let down gently!
+Are you watching the commercial again?
+I'm a fan of animation.
+Oh Lord, may thy couplings stay forever locked, and may thy dead man switch never be used.
+All right, guys, let's get this train fixed up for Homer's anniversary!
+But first... start your power tools!
+One more to go and I'm done.
+"Dear 'Horny in Haverbrook,' sorry, I am not interested in cheating on my wonderful husband, who is described in the attached PDF. Say hello to my trash folder, Marge Simpson."
+Hi, Homie! A crazy thing happened when I was ordering your anniversary gift.
+Uh... anniversary? That comin' up?
+Yes. And it's a big one. Remember?
+Marge, I am focused on this like a laser. "Laser." That's a funny word. It's just "loser" with an "a." And speaking of losers, I've lost my train of thought. Oh, and speaking of trains, wait till you see--
+The surprise is safe! The expression on her face will be priceless!
+Save that sugar for your coffee, Bub.
+He forgot our anniversary again? He remembers the exact number of pork chops in the freezer.
+Currently: zero.
+One of those cyber smoochers wrote me back...
+Thanks for your note. You seem way too nice for this site. Why are you here?
+Good question.
+I thought I was buying snack cakes!
+That's so cute. Really, really cute. You are over eighteen, right?
+I am, and you seem more interested in my day than my husband!
+I know what it's like not to be listened to. Please ignore every sensible instinct you have and continue this conversation. And by the way, this is my real voice.
+Don't worry, Moe. When Marge is asleep, I'll sneak back.
+Ooh, good! The strippers are here.
+Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! That is all comin' off!
+Tell me more.
+Homie, I bet you're wondering why I stayed on the computer until four a.m.
+Hey, those Yelp reviews don't write themselves. Did you know a well-placed one star can destroy a mom and pop hardware in nothing flat?
+Listen, I want us to be honest with each other.
+Thinking is your department, jerk! That's what I pay you in beer for!
+What? Where're your going? I--
+Um, Marge, I have to go.
+What? Now? Why?
+He's writing me again! Better put a stop to this.
+Is that him, getting the text?
+He's in the market! We might've squeezed the same tomatoes!
+Are you Marge?
+What train?
+I'm sorry, I didn't even know you were here. What a crazy coincidence that you buy food too.
+Gee, I thought you'd be some kind of creep. But you're actually a perfectly normal-looking--
+Whoa! "A" is for "apple," right?
+O-kay. I'll just be going.
+Wait, wait, wait! Let me get the stain out. But not here...
+I know a place where no one in town will see us.
+There you go. Good as new.
+Now, let me at least buy you a coffee, or dare I say... a Danish?
+No Danishes!
+Sorry, I go to pastry way too fast.
+I want to be very clear. I'm a happily married woman. Going on ten years. The aluminum anniversary! Nothing turns leftovers into swans like aluminum!
+What the heck am I saying? Homer's probably at that bar right now, getting hammered.
+All worth it for Marge!
+Marge, you are terrific. I am so glad I reset my distance filter from fifteen to twenty-five miles.
+Your Homer is the luckiest man on earth.
+Well, he keeps falling down a cliff and living, so I guess that's true.
+The only time my wife and I talk is when I apologize. "Life's an infernal muddle," as Mr. Drake says on "Upton Rectory."
+Ooh, I love that show!
+Isn't it great? Finally, a reason to watch TV on Sundays.
+Such great characters, like Buxton the scheming larder-keep. Why can't Lady Cavendish see he's pilfering the aspic?
+Uh, does, does Homer watch?
+He says shows set during World War One are too sad. Particularly how everyone's always climbing stairs.
+You are watching the season finale this week, right?
+Yeah. Alone, I'm sure.
+Well, we could... live blog it.
+I'VE BEEN WORKIN' ON THE RAILROAD...
+Why are you singing that?
+Because it's in the public domain?
+Hello! It's Moe from Moe's Tavern.
+Oh, uh, I'd better take this. Y'see, Moe's been depressed and needs to hear a friendly voice. Why the hell are you calling me at home, you moron?!
+Lovejoy went to get a hamburger and the whole thing fell apart!
+I'm gettin' cooked like a cabbage!
+Then keep quiet like a cabbage!
+All right, all right, I'll be right there!
+Is it me or did this house just get classy?
+Mom! Lisa made me break a lamp!
+Mom! Bart's twisting facts in an Orwellian fashion!
+Can I have one hour of grownup time where you two aren't tattling on each other or using obscure references?
+Orwell, obscure? The author of "Animal Farm?"
+Grampa says he was a Commie.
+No tattling!
+Upton Rectory is made possible by a sizeable endowment from Hooters Restaurants, and a generous grant from man named Generous Grant.
+Are you watching it?
+No. I can't. My wife's watching a reality show about a man who repossesses zoo animals.
+C'mon, taser that flamingo!
+Can't believe I'm missing the finale.
+Hmm... Maybe I can help.
+Bless it all, Polly, I love you! And we shall be wed, by Boxing Day Eve, a.k.a. Christmas.
+But Lord Upton has forbidden it, on the grounds that he once saw me exchange pleasantries with the Egyptian Riding Master.
+Can you follow everything okay?
+All right.
+I guess sometimes you just don't end up with the person you're supposed to.
+Marge, can I use your free Amazon shipping?
+Not a good time!
+I know your password!
+Drake... Polly... perhaps I was too hasty.
+Love should flower, even an ill-advised alliance between a coarse Irish maid and a man who once served me soup from the wrong side.
+He hasn't been the same since the war, Lord Upton.
+Hush, Polly. Whom you marry is none of your concern.
+I have something to say!
+The dowager grandmum!
+I'm afraid you cannot marry without a proper ring.
+Take mine. The Star of Bombay.
+Once again, India is denuded of her treasure by the imperialist devils.
+Why do we watch this show?
+Because I like the costumes!
+I've never felt so flushed after watching public television.
+Maybe sometime... we could... watch it in the same room.
+Chat room?
+Room room.
+Show's over! Whoo! That turned ultra-steamy in a jiff!
+I can still hear you.
+Still hear you.
+Happy anniversary, Mom!
+Our gift is us!
+Three kids with no money but plenty of love!
+That's great. I wonder what surprise your father has in store.
+Boy, oh boy!
+Marge, I threw my back out. Can you please refill this prescription right away?
+Where's it from?
+It's in Drugtown. Not the nice part.
+That'll take hours! On our anniversary!
+And what better way to spend it than commemorating the glorious words you spoke ten years ago: "for worse."
+It's working. She's gone! All right, everyone, magically appear!
+Wow, Moe. Great shrub costume.
+Yeah. I sell 'em on the internet for like-minded people. Now let's lay some track.
+You guys are the best. I just want you to know when I'm holding Marge in my arms tonight, I'll be thinking of all of you.
+When does it get better? When he's eight hundred pounds and has to be cut out of the house to go to a movie?
+I lost my cleaning stick in my belly fat. But I found a kitten.
+That is so sweet! There I go again, settling!
+Marge, run off with me. Bring your kid.
+I have three kids.
+Whoa, you really went all in with this guy, didn't you?
+Get out of my head!
+I guess this is goodbye then.
+SOMEDAY / WHEN I'M AWFULLY LOW / WHEN THE WORLD IS COLD
+I said no!
+Fine. Sorry.
+JUST THINKING OF YOU, MARGE...AND THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT. The Nelson Riddle Orchestra!
+Leave me alone!
+Fine. Sorry, guys, you're dead again.
+I'm gonna do what I've done at every key point of my life: suck it in and smile.
+There goes a woman who's unhappy with her partner.
+I know how she feels.
+What was that?
+What the?
+Happy anniversary!
+Oh my God. Our train! Homie you do care. You care a lot!
+What a wonderful anniversary.
+You think we'll last twenty-five years?
+Nothing should.
+Trains. They can fix every marriage.
+Ugh. Happy moment derailed by the bi-polar express. None of you heard that.
+Happy anniversary!
+Where is she? Where the hell is Marge Simpson?
+Ramona, please! When you asked me who she was and where she lived, I never dreamed you'd go confront her.
+I'm Marge Simpson.
+So, you're the kind of man-eater Hall and Oates warned us all about.
+Hall and Oates? What's going on here?!
+Your wife and my husband have been watching British TV together.
+Costume drama or naughty comedy?
+Drama! Drama!
+You just dodged a bullet, Mister Sugarpants.
+Ben, Ramona, I wanna tell you something I've learned over ten years of marriage. The secret is: no secrets, except good secrets like this train.
+My only secrets are my marathon time isn't four twenty-six, it's never; I often go online to see how Lindsay Wagner's looking now - fabulous; and I once pushed a kid off a swing and he broke his wrist or something. But it's no secret how much I love my Margie.
+Look at them, coochie cooing like that time our connecting flight was delayed and we got drunk and friendly in the Admiral's Club.
+That was you? I mean, it was wonderful. And you're fighting for me. Maybe that means you still care.
+Of course I do. Now let's go home and spend a romantic night looking through your computer's browsing history.
+That exists? Oh boy.
+Honey... just what was going on with you and that guy?
+Well, I was trying to buy you snack cakes...
+Oh baby, that's all I needed to hear.
+How did we get here?
+MARGE WAS FEELING LONELY AND BORED / EVERY NIGHT SHE WAS IGNORED
+BUT WHEN MARGE WENT BOO HOO / I WAS BUILDING A CHOO-CHOO...
+AND LOVE CONQUERED ALL / WITH A TRAIN FROM THE MALL
+SO THAT VERY SAME NIGHT / BEN WENT BACK ON THE SITE / AND HE LINED UP A DATE / WITH "SELMA-B-88."
+SHE SAID THAT SHE'S SMOKIN'
+AND I WASN'T JOKIN'
+FIND LOVE ON THE NET
+YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET...
+THREE AWESOME KIDS AND A LIFE OF REGRET!
+And now it's time for Grampa's song!
+DOWN BY THE OLD -- NOT THE NEW BUT THE OLD / MILL STREAM -- NOT THE RIVER BUT THE STREAM... / WHERE I FIRST -- NOT THE SECOND OR THE--
+America faces an ominous new threat -- terrorism.
+...We must be vigilant. Secure every home, every church, every Kwik-E-Mart and Presidential Library.
+I grew up in a little town in Arkansas whose name, ironically, was Terrorism.
+Oooh, there's new marshmallows in the Belfast Charms!
+No! No, that's Bart's cereal!
+It's the only way I can get him to take his "vitamins."
+Eat up.
+The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
+That's not right.
+Yes it is, they're my lines as the scarecrow in "The Wizard of Oz."
+Okay. I'm ready for the Nuclear Workers Convention! It's a little sad. The guys who did the funny skit last year well, they're all very sick.
+Did you pack everything you need?
+Even better, I never unpacked from the time we went to Hawaii.
+Ooh, my lava's almost cooled!
+I'm still cold!
+Take that! In your face, boy! Ow, ow! / Hey! You stupid...
+A whole weekend away from my family. I can't believe I have to miss taking the kids to buy gym uniforms. Send me a picture?
+Poor guy.
+Salt of the earth.
+Convention! Convention!
+Convention!
+Convention!
+Convention!
+Oxygen masks on.
+Convention!
+Convention!!!
+Man, I love conventions.
+Yeah, they're the perfect combination of work, and binge drinking.
+Now look guys, we are here for one important reason: to get free swag.
+SWAG! I'M GONNA GRAB FOREVER / STUFF THAT I REALLY DON'T NEED / SWAG!
+I'M GONNA HAVE FORTY KEY CHAINS! / AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE FORTY KEYS! / SWAG!
+Interested in learning a procedure that could save your life?
+MORE FREE STUFF, MORE FREE STUFF, MORE FREE STUFF, MORE FREE STUFF...
+Um, all I have are these spec sheets.
+MORE FREE STUFF, MORE FREE STUFF, MORE FREE STUFF...
+There's that woman I always have a "same time next year" affair with.
+And she's with her frumpy friend I always have dinner with when you two disappear.
+Put up your nukes!
+Halpern!
+The wild man of Wichita!
+I still haven't forgiven you for putting that dead goat in my bed!
+He wasn't dead till you rolled over on him!
+I'll kill you, you son of a--
+/ Aw, come here, you.
+Some party, huh?
+It could be... if we introduce Sherman from I.T...to my good friend "Spike."
+Halpern, what will you think of next?
+Nothing, this is it.
+Hey, here's a brainstorm for ya. Check if it's plugged in before you call I.T.! You think I like talking you monkeys through a password change?
+To texting!
+Hello! Where's Homer?
+Homer? Homer? When did I see him last? Geez, I don't know.
+Yeah, Homer's a great guy, but that doesn't mean I constantly think about whether he's still alive or not.
+You're taking a picture of them in their moment of grief?
+It's okay. This camera has an "Auto cheer" feature.
+Well, he's not in the Boise morgue. Maybe he was mistaken for a dead elephant and flown back to Kenya.
+You're talking about my husband!
+To spare your feelings, we'll just call him the blob.
+Two to one says the blob is stuck in the water intake pipe at the reservoir.
+Please. I need people here who are helpful and sensitive.
+Sorry I'm late, everyone. I had some trouble getting the voicemails off the nine-one-one line. Why does everyone have to talk so fast and panicky?
+A man with a gun is in my house.
+Gibberish!
+Hello, everyone.
+Homie! What happened to you?
+I overslept, lost my cell phone, missed my flight.
+Why didn't you call us?
+All the payphones at the airport were replaced by self-serve yogurt. I had all the cookie dough toppings a man could want.
+Well, what made you--
+So many cookies will never be born...
+Well... I guess all that matters is everything's back to normal.
+Yes, back to normal.
+Dear Christian God...
+Sorry. Dear God... you know which one I mean... thank you for returning our Homie. He's still got a lot of unfinished business down here.
+I'm glad you're back, Dad. It's hard to sleep with one un-kissed cheek.
+Yeah, it's tough being man of the house. You left some big underpants to fill. I didn't know they made Underoos in size fifty-two.
+They're called "Superoos," son. With pictures of the cast of "The Expendables".
+More like the "Expandables"!
+Why didn't you strangle me?
+That kind of small scale violence solves nothing.
+Couldn't agree more! Now, to celebrate... ta-da! Pork chops crusted with Cheeto dust!
+Uh, I'll pass on the pork.
+I'll just enjoy these green beans with slivered almonds. Mmm, so slivered.
+Bart! Why is the Dad I always wished for creeping me out?
+I'unno. 'Cause you're incapable of experiencing joy?
+Point taken.
+Dad, what's that on your lap?!
+A napkin.
+Glad you're back, buddy. You've got a lot of catching up to do.
+Can I just get a glass of water?
+Water?! That stuff killed my grandmother!
+So sad.
+I've been having snuggle dreams!
+Marge, I changed in Boise. I'm not sure a man who eats right and doesn't drink can be good in bed.
+You're so beautiful when I cut you off in the middle of a question.
+Oh my, what's that thing you're doing?
+Moving my body.
+Don't you think it's weird that dad stopped eating pork and drinking beer?
+Who cares what happened? Daddy's back!
+Something happened to Dad on that trip. This is worse than when he went to New Orleans and came back with the southern accent.
+How y'all doin'?
+Chief Wiggum, how come every time there's terrorist chatter in this town, you come to me?
+Lay off, Apu. When I look at people, I don't see colors. I just see crackpot religions.
+Chief, is there really a terrorist threat to Springfield?
+Yep. I got a very important phone call...
+Y'ello.
+Is this line secure?
+It's a little jiggly but it'll hold.
+We got intel-- that's short for a word I don't know...
+Intelligence?
+I don't believe so, no. Anyway, this "intel" says that someone in town has been turned, and they're working for terrorists.
+Now I've gotta go check my other suspects...but I may be back.
+Dad's kneeling on a prayer mat! He doesn't believe in kneeling!
+Huh. It looks like he's praying...
+To the East! The Middle East! Mecca!
+He's targeting the nuclear plant?!
+If you are a cat, prove it. Do you hate Mondays like Garfield?
+And do you love lasagna... like me?
+Okay then.
+Mom! I have to tell you something about Dad! Something big!
+I know, he's changed.
+Exactly!
+For the better! And men don't change that way!
+But, but--
+Do you know what we're doing on Sunday? Brunch with the Hibberts, then the tile store! He's like a husband in a widow's memory -- perfect!
+Perfect! Perfect!
+I think someone I love is a terrorist. Does that make me crazy?
+No. No. Not at all.
+It took me two hours to get home. Traffic was crazy.
+Are you people talking about me?
+No. We're not even here right now.
+742 Evergreen Terrace.
+I'll be right there. And don't believe what you've heard about me.
+I haven't heard anything about you, except from you.
+Hanging up the receiver, eh?
+How much did you hear?
+How much did you say?
+Nothing really.
+So I heard half of nothing.
+Dad, you're scary when you're calm and focused.
+Lisa. I'll miss you when this is all over.
+When what's all over?!
+This conversation.
+See you on the other side.
+What other side?
+Of the house. Where the fireplace is. We're toasting marshmallows. Marshmallows.
+I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
+Agent Crawford, F.B.I.
+You guys know I don't talk to field agents. Get your boss on the phone.
+I'm not here for you, I'm here for your Dad.
+What do you want with his Dad?
+Go back to sleep, Milhouse.
+How do you know my name?
+I didn't... but I do now.
+Don't talk.
+I want you to know I'm the best there is at finding out what you're up to.
+I can torture you, I can give you incredible sex, or you can just tell me what I want to know.
+What was the first one again?
+I see, you're stupid.
+Hey, I'm the one in bed with two beautiful women.
+You think I'm beautiful?
+In a breaking and entering kind of way.
+Well, give me something or I'm not leaving.
+Let's just say I've got to get to work on time. And if you knew me, you'd know just how odd that sounds.
+Who are you talking to?
+No one.
+You're in too deep, Annie. Get out.
+Are you real or my imagination?
+Either way, my advice is sound.
+I love my job.
+HEERE'S THE CLIMAX
+WHAT EVERYTHING'S BEEN BUILDING TOOOO /
+HOPE IT PAYS OFF FOR YOUUU...
+Whatcha got there, Homer?
+Weird thing under a tarp.
+That's what I thought. Have a good one!
+Don't forget me!
+You laugh now but you won't be laughing soon.
+He's right. Because now I go back to remembering that my cat just died.
+He's in!
+One sunrise burrito, please.
+Facial recognition required.
+Welcome, Mr. Burns.
+How'd you get in here?
+Girl Scout cookies get you in anywhere.
+Please, don't do this, Dad! I don't know what horrors you saw in Boise, but it's not worth blowing up everyone you love.
+I'm not blowing up the plant. Just harmlessly stopping it from doing more damage to Mother Earth.
+Is that something your terrorist masters told you to tell me?
+Yes, my terrorist masters are always talking about you, Lisa.
+I missed my flight so I got in a van...with some eco-friendly activists. They wanted gas, grass or ass and brother, I had the ass.
+They taught me something I found shocking: pigs aren't happy to be made into pork chops. This t-shirt lied to me!
+And they also gave me an alcohol detox.
+I've been listening to this song for three days and it's only the end of the first verse!
+But I saw you praying to Mecca!
+Lisa, I've never prayed to a city in my life, and if I did, it would be Hershey, Pennsylvania. I was kneeling on the Affirmation Rug they gave me.
+Ow, this rug is hard on my knees. Ow, this rug is hard on my knees. Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
+But wait, wait, wait! What is this?
+IF HE COMES A-CALLIN' YOU'D BETTER HIDE...
+Lisa, the most horrible truth of all is the plant where I work poisons our water and our air.
+I've told you that a million times!
+Aw, sweetie, you've told me a thousand things a million times. Even with a brain the size of a dinosaur's, I couldn't take that in.
+Anyhoo, this canister is full of spoiled milk and utility-grade chicken.
+Both sold to me by Apu this morning.
+When I release it into the A. C. system, it'll stink up the plant forever.
+No one can use it but no one gets hurt!
+Just like when I smell up the toilet.
+There he is! Use your fattest handcuffs!
+Hey, hey, it's not what you think, Lou. Lou! Lou! Lou! Lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu!
+I can complete my Dad's mission just like George W. Bush.
+I can't shoot a little girl...
+Ow, dammit! There's some things they just don't teach you in the Police Academy movies.
+We did it, Dad. We did it.
+We sure did.
+You weren't shot!
+No, I was just up late watching a movie. Something with... William Holden and--
+Your plan failed! Thank god this plant has never had a functioning air conditioner.
+Wait a minute, Burns. You don't have a functioning A. C. system at a nuclear plant? That's against the law.
+That's impossible! Smithers, didn't we move this plant to China?
+Sir, that's two years from now and you're not supposed to tell anyone.
+Oopsie.
+There isn't a prison made that can hold me! Prisons are still made of mud and wattles, right?
+No, concrete.
+'CAUSE HE'S COMMITTING AGGRAVATED FLOOP-FLUFFLE-CIDE!
+You know, Dad, just because your mission's complete, it doesn't mean you have to go back to pork eating, and beer-drinking...
+A beer from the sky! It's a sign!
+Yeah, this equipment will pay for itself in one night of binging.
+I wish a mission could bring me closer to someone, but it can't. It's time for me to walk alone into the sunset.
+That's better!
+Amazingly, the hamster's older than I am.
+'Twas Halloween night, with the kids door-to-dooring, and all over town blood sugar was soaring.
+Gimme your candy!
+But the Simpson abode was deep down in the dumps. 'Cause from little to bigger the kids had the mumps.
+Now, I'm off to a party, my outfit is chic. It's a Catwoman costume I'm sure is unique.
+Wait a second... it's Halloween?
+Just rest on the sofa, I'll be home by ten.
+Can we have some candy?
+Just one M & M.
+Then we heard a loud crash...we were tempted to scat...
+And we looked and we saw him...
+The Fat in the Hat!
+I'll save Halloween for you three grumpy tots. Just stick out your rumps for some mump-stumping shots!
+You should not be here, when their mother's away!
+And you should be dead, you're so wrinkled and gray!
+I'll give you the business, you yellow sea cow! This go-getting oldster will... where am I now?
+We'll fix up this mix-up in two minutes flat, with the helpers I've hidden right under my hat.
+I knew there was something I left off my list. Without food, air and water, they cease to exist.
+I am the Borax! I speak for the woods! But I've plastered my likeness on consumer goods!
+Shut up.
+OH THE FAT IN THE HAT / DOESN'T CARE WHAT MOMS SAY / THE MINUTE THEY LEAVE YOU, HE'LL TAKE YOU AWAY / HIS BREAKFAST IS DINNER / HIS DINNER'S DESSERT / YOU MIGHT SEE HIS NAME ON AN AMBER ALERT!
+Trick or treat!
+I don't hand out candy, you son of a Gritch.
+He pulled out bamfoozlers, and side-winding whizzles...
+He laughed as he heard that old codger's house-sizzles.
+Let this be a lesson to those who love cash, that your nice stash of cash could be gone in a flash. And if you are awful and nasty and cruel...
+Enough with the lessons! This isn't a school!
+ONCE A YEAR WE / ARE NOT HUNGRY / THANKS TO CHRISTIAN / CHARITY
+Don't got no candy, I only serve beer, and who said that you could bring minors in here?
+Your peanuts are pawed through, your beer smells like skunk. And you just pissed off the wrong fat, furry drunk.
+Hey, hey, hey! This is supposed to be a children's story!
+Go grab all his money and vodka and gin. And I'll knit a nice thnord from his leathery skin.
+Say, Mr. Hat, I don't mean to complain, but you promised us candy, not mayhem and pain.
+The dude thought a while, then said:
+...I know a man. With an over-priced store, who'll give all that he can...
+Take whatever you want, I don't want any trouble, take Jims that are Slim, and gum of the bubble.
+I won't shoot you now, 'cause I've found something cruel-ah. An afternoon off with eight kids and Manjula.
+OH THE FAT IN THE HAT / HAS SOME ANGER ISSUES...
+AND SOME HIGHLY UNUSUAL POLITICAL VIEWS...
+FLOOP-FLUFFLE-CIDE!
+We had to escape from this behatted mammal...
+...so we hitched us a ride on a three-hump gumbamel!
+A gumbamel's a camel but faster and humbler. It doesn't take tips and it's never a grumbler. So if you must leave in a kind of a scramble, then jump on the hump of a humble gumbamel.
+But if the gumbamel should ramble, then stumble, then just hop atop a Krustiferous Krumbull. But then if that Krumbull should happen to tumble, just call your amigo, the bee man of bumble.
+Ay-yi-yi!
+We thought we'd escaped from our psychotic guide...
+But when we got home, he was waiting inside!
+I'm staying forever. You're all stuck with that. 'Cause I'm your new daddy, the Fat in the--
+I'm frightened of nothing, not even Hell fires. Just don't let me ever be played by Mike Meyers.
+So please do not worry, 'cause we did okay.
+Yes, kids will get candy, whatever you say.
+What the hell?!
+Bart, isn't it dangerous to fly your kite by an airport?
+Stupid kids!
+Hey, if they get on an airbus, they know they're taking their chances.
+Kite at two o'clock!
+I don't know what that means, I have a digital watch!
+What's my wife's picture doing on your control screen? Over.
+Homina, homina, homina... over.
+Nowhere to tie my kite... and I forgot my scarf.
+I'm seeing a twelve-car pile-up, a naked rooftop cook-out, and oh my God! A box kite!
+What else?
+Well, at least it's a beautiful night.
+I'm alive! All patched up! End of story.
+Actually, there's a little more.
+Ay carumba!
+I'm sorry. This was the only way to lengthen Bart's life for a year while shortening yours by thirty.
+You are. Along with lymph, spinal fluid, and all the trimmin's. But Lisa, your brain is still in complete control.
+I could do what I want to Bart's head?
+Aw geez. Strangle me out of this, Fatso.
+Why you little... I'll teach you to make medical history!
+All good.
+Hey boy, since you don't need a bedroom any more, I finally get my man cave.
+Man cave! Everyone's welcome to my man cave!
+I assure you, we've spared no effort to accommodate your special-needs student.
+And... done.
+Excellent, Lisa, A plus. Bart, your turn.
+Well, my show and tell is that I'm on Lisa's body--
+Derivative and repetitive! F minus!
+Bart! I expected more from a fourth-grade head!
+You're rotating it in the wrong direction!
+That was gonna be my show and tell!
+Bart, Lisa... I'm afraid you two are going to be together for a long time. Why don't you try to say something good about each other?
+Well... she's pretty healthy for someone who's been living with cooties.
+Bart, aren't Lisa's ears clean?
+Yeah, it's like looking down a Canadian tunnel.
+Well, now I always have someone to eat lunch with.
+Great! That's as much therapy as your parents can afford.
+I think we've made some progress here.
+Great... oh, and I have this "two heads for one" coupon.
+Well, that's for lettuce.
+How 'bout this one?
+One random disorder free with every schizophrenia.
+That's mine, but it's expired.
+Should've chopped off Bart's head long ago.
+Sleep well, Lis. Somehow sewing my head on your shoulder brought us closer together.
+Rainbow... oh, Rainbow...
+Not the pony dream again!
+Hey, I did that!
+Yep, that's me. When she's asleep I'm in control.
+Lis, I'm gonna make sure you stay asleep.
+Ooh, mix-ins!
+Son-of-a!
+You start a car about as well as you start a family!
+You wait here while I go get the jumper cables.
+Oh, a panic attack, huh? Well I'll give ya something to panic about!
+Now I'll just cut off her annoying head and this body will be all mine. Or we both die. Not really sure what the rules are.
+Why Bart? I thought we were friends!
+A brother can never be friends with his sister!
+Are you really, really sure?
+I'm afraid I am.
+Well then, I guess I have no choice.
+How could this go wrong?
+Why is it company parties always get weird?
+'Cause in a head-to-head battle, the one with the most brains wins!
+Well, wherever I am, it's gotta be an improvement.
+Guess again.
+Now I can always sing karaoke duets!
+I feel your pain, brother.
+Now, I need you to memorize these ten thousand setups by next week.
+Help me, doctor!
+So, this is what successful post-op looks like!
+Step right up, only two bits!
+Thrill.
+Thrill as Marguerite conquers the air!
+Laugh at the clowns' buffoonery!
+Seriously, folks, I really think we should stop this Hitler guy.
+Disbelieve, as the Strong Man pulls a wagon with his bare tongue!
+THIS IS THE SONG THAT YOU HEAR AT THE CIRCUS / SUNG BY A GUY THAT YOU SEE AT THE CIRCUS...
+Or gape in terror at Almighty God's whoopsy-daisies...the Freaks!
+The Human Donkey...
+Hee-Haw!
+The Terrifying Callback!
+Creatures from another galaxy!
+Actually, it's more of a globular cluster.
+Not the dark, not the dark!
+And now... I must ask that small children leave, good women avert their eyes, and men take a stiff slug of circus whiskey... behold, the most hideous creature of all!
+How ya doin'?
+So, uh... anyone here from New Jersey?
+I'm goin' there next week!
+Hey torso! What's with the cookies? Even the human snail would've been done by now!
+I am so sick and tired of people assuming that the human snail is, in some way, slow. Good day!
+All of you! Get back out there with your flippers flapping, and your stumps a-stomping! Joe and Jane normal expect some entertainment for their nickel!
+Mr. Burnsum! You should treat these poor people with respect!
+Marge! Get away from those freaks! You belong to me! The dumb, hairless brute!
+Well, you are the best this circus has to offer...
+Taste the strength of your fiancé!
+With the mighty tongue God's given you, why can't you speak kindly of these imperfect angels?
+Marge, they knew what they were getting into when their parents sold them to the circus.
+Enough! You will comport yourself with the dignity expected of a traveling freak show!
+Excuse me, ma'am, but I ain't never seen a normal stand up for us.
+I too am a freak. One eye is blue, and the other a pale brown.
+I wouldn't wanna be you, lady!
+Never give up hope, my friends.
+Of all the kisses I've ever gotten in my life, that was the first.
+Hey, you should ask her out, Moe.
+But she's sweet on the strong man.
+You're fine unless Rabbit Ears hears and tells Big Mouth.
+Let us pray.
+I ain't got no chance with the strong man's girl. He makes ten dollars a week plus all the sawdust he can eat.
+Well, you got an emerald ring.
+My mother's ring. She gave it to me on her deathbed. She also acquired it on her deathbed. That was a very busy deathbed.
+With an emerald that big I could buy anything -- a jalopy! An icebox! A steamer trunk full of fedoras! But how do I get my hands on it?
+I'm an idiot! Of course! I get Marge to marry Moe, then I kill Moe, then she gets the ring, then I marry her, and the ring is mine. And the brilliance of my plan is its simplicity!
+You're gonna be sorry you said that.
+You're gonna be sorry you said that.
+I just lost my keys! What do you know, I am gathering moss!
+Hey Marge, you wanna marry Moe?
+I'm engaged to you, my love.
+The poor lonely fellow is about to die.
+Really? How?
+Let me worry about how. But you know, you could make his last day a happy one. And the ring is just the icing on the cake.
+What ring?
+The ring that'll get me outta this lousy circus and into a good circus. Now let's get you married.
+But won't you be jealous, my love?
+Dear, I am not the jealous type. And from you, I have learned to feel compassion for these disgustos.
+Awww...
+She's a superfreak, superfreak, she's superfreaky, yow!
+Moe, whatever small time together we have will be wonderful.
+Ho ho ho! A very small time!
+Those are strange things to say, but a wedding is no place to worry about threats from the bride's former lover. Now, the toast...
+To you, Marge. Now you are one of us.
+One of us! Gooble goo!
+One of us! Gooble goo!
+God, you are so beautiful in that peignoir there. I uh, better freshen up a little bit.
+Set it to "massage," Jumbo!
+What are you doing?
+Trying to kill Moe so we'll get his emerald. By the way, I haven't checked, but emeralds are valuable, right?
+Strong man, Moe may be ugly on the outside, but inside, you are the true monster. Leave my trailer forever!
+You're rejecting me? But I'm in the best shape anyone is, in the nineteen thirties.
+I said go!
+One of us! Gooble goo! One of us! Gooble goo!
+What the hell does gooble goo mean?
+We don't know! Gooble goo! We don't know! Gooble goo!
+You killed Burnsum? Now who is gonna say "Step right up"?
+Gooble goo! Gooble goo!
+Tar and feather him!
+Tear off his drumsticks!
+Make him... one of us!
+One of us! One of us!
+This is exactly why circus attendance is plummeting!
+...and that, kids, is how I met your mother.
+Poor Chip. Such a big part of everyone's life.
+People called him the sixth Simpson. Not sure why.
+Chip did such a wonderful job with my biography.
+Chip me ayudó a lidiar con mi pena después que mis padres se murieron jugando paintball!
+Chip was the life of Sector Six-F at the nuclear plant...but Chip once confessed to me... he did have a few regrets.
+Chip regretted never ascending Mount Springfield from the south face. He regretted that the high school long jump record he set was wind-aided. We often spoke of that asterisk. He never broke par on hole seventeen at Springfield Mini Golf.
+Eh, everyone has regrets.
+Not me!
+You?! Your marriage is a dead fish floating in a tank of stale beer. Your baby's addicted to pacifiers...and your son is out of control!
+Let us kneel...
+My knees! Forty years of healing gone!
+He's such a little dickens. Although Dickens was pretty well-behaved.
+He's been screwed up since the moment Homer's D.N.A. staggered into your womb.
+I have no regrets about that. It was a perfect pregnancy. Didn't smoke, didn't drink, lost three pounds. And every night before bed, Homer would give me a little kiss... music. Could Bart have been prenatally screwed up by the KISS music?
+GET UP / EVERYBODY'S GONNA MOVE THEIR FEET
+GET DOWN / EVERYBODY'S GONNA LEAVE THEIR SEAT
+YOU GOTTA LOSE YOUR MIND IN DETROIT ROCK CITY!
+Man, this is the weirdest pregnancy craving ever.
+Well, for some reason it relaxes me. Now do that thing Gene Simmons does.
+Overstay my welcome for forty years?
+Regrets, eh? This local newsman's had a few, covering a town of backwater rubes who for some reason hate my guts.
+This is Kent Brockman, live at the Springfield Peach Parade. Sir, could you give us eight seconds of your homespun wisdom?
+It's a little known fact that you can get head lice from peaches. This is my daughter, Peaches.
+We'll have more regrets at eleven tonight following an all-new bottle of scotch.
+I'm thinking about it!
+That's the coolest bowling ball I've ever seen.
+Hello, Bear Stearns? I'd like to sell all my Apple stock so I can buy a fancy bowling ball. You heard me. Technology is a fad. Heavy blue balls are the future.
+Now, let us text on our ubiquitous Apple tablets and phones...
+You cost me a piece of all of that!
+Aw, don't cry.
+If it makes you feel worse, I'm the man who bought the stock you sold.
+I'll bet a rich man like you has no regrets at all.
+Just one.
+The girl that got away. She broke my first heart.
+So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets?
+I have no regrets!
+Really, mother?
+Oh, I didn't see you there.
+I'm Father O'Greedy! Dimes for the needy!
+Milhouse! Are you the bottom half of that mischief?
+Uh... uh...
+My pants, like the Lord, work in mysterious ways.
+Return those vestments!
+Speaking of return on investments, my Apple stock is up thirty-five hundred percent!
+You misheard that on purpose!
+Tithe denied! Tithe denied!
+Must find way... to blame myself.
+Um... it says I should give you "lumbar support." Better go to the lumberyard...
+Lumbar! It means lower back. How many times will you make that mistake?
+Just put on the KISS record.
+Anything from "Love Gun"!
+Hey book, are you expecting this?
+And while I'm at it... burn dumb helpful books!
+That is a good fire.
+You're going down, Bart!
+Ah, reckless youth.
+He'll be okay.
+I was referring to him.
+I had a spring in my step like that once, back when I met Lilah.
+Lilah ran a little crepe stand in the 7th arrondisement.
+Oh Monty. Looking at you, I could lie in this unheated garret forever.
+Oh, Monty... you must promise me one thing.
+Anything she wanted I was willing to do. Anything. Except...
+All I ask is that you set aside five minutes a day to think of others.
+I shall find another husband. As good as you are evil.
+All I have left is my drawing.
+It looked a lot better in my memory. But do you know what, Smithers? I will find Lilah and win her back... I'll just check with the old gang. Hemingway!
+Picasso!
+Matador Juan Belmonte!
+And Stalin!
+That man could really put pressure on you.
+Hello, Kent.
+Why are you doin' this, Bart?
+Well, well, well, Rachel Maddow. Everyone came back for Chip's funeral.
+I was flying from D.C. to New York, and of course I had the layover in Springfield. How's the gang at Channel Six?
+Look, let's get this out of the way. Just because we both worked at Channel Six and you made it big and I didn't doesn't mean I'm bitter.
+Um... is that your car?
+Kent, I'm going to tell you the most important mistake you ever made... after this break.
+So Kent, that mistake you made? That fundamental life-changing error? That cosmic fail? That--
+Just tell me already!
+After this break.
+You could've come with me. But you were suckling the dual teats of infotainment and celebrifawning!
+So, tell us about your new movie.
+It's fantastic. The studio let us play in their sandbox.
+Great! We have a clip.
+No! No, don't show it! There aren't five good seconds in the whole film!
+I'm not a newsman anymore, I'm a geologist. I keep discovering a new rock bottom.
+Kent, I think I've found my ticket out of this town, or at least to a better Springfield.
+You two newshounds working on a story? How 'bout this? Mario's down the street found a rat in their pasta.
+When did that happen?
+Whenever you want Eh?
+Rachel, can I come? We can share blazers!
+Just follow me.
+At Mario's, the picture of Sinatra on the wall... is signed by Frank Junior! The frame hides the Junior!
+Someone's been dumping tires in the forest.
+Willikers! In my three years of soft news, I've never seen anything like this.
+Those are tires from my ill-fated Krusty Town Car. It would explode if people gripped the wheel too tightly.
+You're not tellin' no one! As the four p.m. clown, I have complete control of Channel Six's news division.
+Local news is a joke. I'm going to cable.
+Cable news? Bah! People only want news at six p.m. from white guys on weekdays and black guys on weekends.
+We'll see about that. Yes, we shall see. About that, things will be seen. By us. Kent? You coming?
+He ain't comin'. This little piggy's afraid to leave his cushy anchorman slop trough.
+Could you uh, phrase that a little more nicely?
+Sorry. He "isn't" coming.
+You'll regret this Kent, when I have my own show and you're stuck here tracking Santa's flight from the North Pole. Oh look, he's over Greenland.
+Don't worry, piggy, you made the right choice.
+Eh, it'll burn out in an hour or so.
+Look Burns, I've got the dope on your sweetie. She's still alive and she just got over being mad at you last week.
+Lilah's alive?!
+Yeah, well, uh, she's alive, but... she's a nun.
+Married to Jesus, eh? Does he beat her?
+Jesus? No, he's a real Eagle Scout, that one. But your penguin's not a Catholic. She's a Buddhist nun. Spent her life expressing her sexuality with a Zen garden.
+Those raked rocks could've been me! Now since you're so good at finding things, find the exit!
+There is the little matter of my fee.
+You're becoming very tiresome.
+Who moved my desk?!
+Here I am. Cable news alley.
+Fox News. Is this really how I want to get back in the big leagues? Let's see how print journalism is doing.
+Sir, do you sell the New York Times?
+Sir, we are the New York Times.
+Fifty percent attention-seeking, fifty percent to drop things on people.
+He's gonna visit my sky granny!
+To work at Fox News, all you have to be able to do is operate this device. Now when a Republican is in trouble...
+At the time I didn't know it was illegal to sex up a cow on the Capital steps.
+...we simply do this...
+Now you try.
+We've had some good times.
+And you sat on the gas pedal when my foot fell asleep. So I'm gettin' you shined up nice.
+What the?
+That's a ball-proof window, sir.
+Would you like me to ask Siri for a nearby hospital?
+I'm sorry. I don't see any "hops petals" near you. Deleting all contact information.
+No, no, I didn't ask you to do that, Siri!
+Delete confirmed.
+Okay Bart, be cool. Calm down. You're not gonna die up here.
+Oh Monty, I can't believe you found me after all these years. I've saved myself for you.
+Well then, I should disrobe at once. Housekeeping! Send up a Chinese dressing screen! And one of Firestone's finest vulcanized prophylactics! Be right back.
+Smithers! Which do I take first? The rhino horn or the tiger tongue?
+I have my doubts about both, sir.
+Bah! I'll just do it the old-fashioned way. With my pump.
+Just powdering my nose, darling!
+Smithers! Run down to Sears Roebuck and get a five-eighths inch Phillips head bolt!
+To the tooth-whitening kiosk!
+Here I am, slowly dying every day at five, six and eleven.
+Help! Help!
+Child in danger with exciting visuals!
+This kid's corpse could be my magic carpet. Get me a cameraman!
+The movie "Up" has come horribly to life over Springfield. A local boy clings to life in a story that proves this reporter's relevance!
+Ay carumba!
+It's Bart!
+Pray for a miracle, boy! God can hear you better from up there!
+Dear Lord, please help me land safely, or transform this basket into a flying killer robot that I control with my mind, amen.
+That's not a prayer!
+My God says it is!
+Ah, I see you're ice cold with anticipation.
+Oh Lilah, even at the end I waited too long. What if I give her the breath of life?
+Hoo boy. I guess one regret just leads to another.
+You know, sir, maybe it would bring you peace to honor the one thing Lilah ever asked of you.
+There you are, my good man. A little broth will cure your mental illness.
+Sir, that's five minutes. You can stop thinking of other people now.
+You know what? I think I'll give it another five.
+I'm proud of you, Monty.
+I ain't eatin' that.
+Chief, what are you doing to save our son?
+Well, I've placed marksmen on the roof to shoot the balloons one-by-one, but frankly, they're not very good.
+Chief, it happened again!
+Oh c'mon guys, spread out! Arms length!
+It's all my fault. I should never have listened to those KISS albums when I was pregnant.
+Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous. My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches when she was pregnant with Ralphie, and he can't even open a refrigerator. Pushing, always, always pushing.
+Really?
+Oh yeah, that kid's a mess.
+Hey! Only I get to criticize him, Lou. The kid's scared to flush. He thinks its his brother.
+Can we focus on my son? Up in the sky?
+Oh, I've got a long-shot idea. By which I mean firing a shot over a long distance.
+Yeah, you see, if we could fire an exactly twelve-and-half-pound weight into the basket, it would lower the boy very gently to the ground.
+Unfortunately, all our cannonballs were melted down to make a statue of Joe Paterno, which we changed to look like Eugene Levy.
+I think I just might have what you're looking for.
+Today I'm glad that I sold that stock.
+Apple closed up another twenty points today.
+Why does everyone know?!
+Because their terrific products keep track of it for you. And anything else you could ever think of.
+That kid's not dyin' on my watch. Which ends right now, fortunately.
+Homer's rising faster than Apple stock!
+My boy's okay!
+Bart! Bart! Bart!
+I won the science fair! I get to go to Chicago!
+Bart! Bart! Bart!
+Eh, Bart, Bart, Bart.
+You know what I think about regrets? As long as your family is together, every choice you've ever made is the right one.
+And together we are.
+Would you guys knock it off? He's down safe already!
+Sorry, Chief. That was me puttin' it down.
+It's for me! Now get in the back -- and while you're there use this cream to massage the leather.
+And there you have it. A family reunited, and a grateful nation gives thanks for some solid reporting. Back to you, Rachel Maddow.
+Great job, Kent. I think we might have an opening for you at MSNBC, between our weekend prison documentary block and the two hours it takes to make up Joe Scarborough on Monday morning.
+No thanks, Rachel Maddow. I'm happy right here. No regrets.
+Now, I, Bart Simpson, shall send the first coaster down the track.
+No. For once, I wanna go first.
+But Milhouse, I already let you push me on the swings.
+And it's an honor, but I'm doin' this!
+Milhouse!
+Eat safety bar!
+Why are we best friends?
+Because your seat was behind mine!
+Feels like this play date's gone on forever.
+I'll handle this. "Dear Weirdo, pick up weirdo kid." And send.
+Did you eat a peanut?
+No, I just sniffed a nectarine. It's okay. I can breathe through my tear ducts. Tell me if this gets annoying.
+I think I'm gonna throw up the mac and cheese you fed me. I'm not supposed to have it. That's why I had so much.
+What the?! If this kid's Dad isn't here in one second he's going in the garbage can.
+Hey guys, who wants a whiff of "New Kirk Smell?"
+You Only Live Once.
+Once again, cats have it better.
+Kirk Van Houten, I hope you're not having a midlife crisis.
+Please. Just 'cause I bought a new car, lost a little weight and started taking a D.J. class, everyone thinks I'm having a midlife crisis.
+Dad? You got me a skateboard?
+I'm sorry, but does Kirk know how silly he looks?
+Look at me, I'm afraid of dying!
+Oh Homie, I'm so glad you're happy with your life just the way it is.
+You've had the same job, same car, same house for twenty years. And that's all you'll ever have. A cycle you'll never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever change. And you're okay with it!
+Like I say night after night after night: nighty-night.
+Kent Brockman is here for your interview.
+So, Kent, what brings you here? The miraculous tale of how we lost, then found, our Lost and Found box?
+Actually, Principal Skinner, I'm here to talk about something else: cheating.
+I thought this was a puff piece! You're wearing a sweater!
+This journalism just turned... gotcha!
+That's right, Channel Six will uncover the truth in a five part series two minutes a day. People, make room for your local Emmy nomination certificates.
+No, do not make room! Except for Mr. Largo and his diet, there is no cheating in this school.
+These thirty identical "What I Did This Summer" essays say different!
+Um... Myra, don't I have another appointment?
+This is your first appointment ever.
+Let's take a look at this monitor.
+This school is more corrupt than an Italian parliament! If these children are our future, then I, for one, do not want to live!
+Haw-haw.
+Please don't air this. I'll tell you the winners of the kickball games in advance -- you can make a lot of cabbage betting on k-ball.
+And that's what we'll end the story with.
+Noooooo!
+This is Kent Brockman, pleased with himself.
+YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE OR SO IT SEEMS, NO LIFE FOR YOURSELF AND NONE FOR YOUR DREAMS / YOU WORK EVERY DAY, AT A JOB SO LAME...
+AND EVERY NIGHT / THE ENDING'S THE SAME
+NO DREAM WILL COME TRUE,
+YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
+Yeah, well at least ya got your health, huh? Now let's see if I can take that away from ya.
+Pure poison.
+I'm tired of livin' once.
+I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm starting to regret saying Yolo.
+Marge, if you don't mind, I'm gonna quit complaining about my life and start wallowing in the past.
+Postage, marked in pesetas? Who are those letters from?
+My old pen pal from Spain. Eduardo.
+Back in fifth grade, you either had to write to a foreigner or a prisoner. I picked a foreigner because the prisoners wrote back too fast. We'd write each other with our dreams of the future...
+I was gonna be King of Cheeseburger Mountain. Did I change or did they stop making mountains out of cheeseburgers? Probably a little bit of both.
+So sad.
+What kind of moral example is this dump for my boy?
+Please, calm down, everyone! You know, maybe this so-called cheating scandal is actually an opportunity... to, uh, initiate a dialogue... that would, uh, create a teachable moment... uh, something something buzz word, I got nothing.
+Quick! Get a picture for the yearbook!
+I have a solution!
+You took your sweet time coming to our rescue, Lisa.
+Maybe the best way to keep students from cheating is to trust them not to cheat.
+That's it?! That's all you've got? Something I can read on a tea box?
+What I'm suggesting is we create an honor code.
+Oh swell, more work for the teachers.
+The students would do it.
+Let her speak!
+If every student pledges not to cheat, and to turn in any cheater, no one will cheat the system because they'll be the system.
+Ho-nor code! Ho-nor code!
+I did it! I saved the day! The same way I won that battle in Vietnam! By fainting!
+If you're my wife's secret lover, come in. There's nothing I can do for her anymore.
+I am looking for my amigo de la pluma, or "pen pal."
+Eduardo?! Is it really you? why are you here?
+To save the soul of Homer Simpson. Now where is he, old man?
+I'm Homer Simpson!
+Dios mio! What has happened to you?
+Did your hair burn off in a fire that trapped you in a candy factory?
+I wish.
+Marge Simpson! It's so nice to meet a friend Homer met through the mail who isn't a sea monkey!
+Yes. Eduardo Barcelona... or in English, Eddie Miami.
+Homie, I thought a visit from your old pen pal would cheer you up.
+How eagerly I would wait for a letter from the Estados Unidos, and Homer Simpson.
+Buenos dias, Eduardo. Can you write back and tell me what that means?
+What happened to us, Eduardo? We had so many things we were going to do.
+And I, my friend, have been doing them!
+Yeah, well listen, pal. I have my treasure: my wife and my children.
+I've had eight wives... and two hundred children! Among them artists, doctors and revolutionary chefs.
+Do you have a disrespectful son who calls you by your first name?
+I cannot imagine such a creature.
+Hey, Homer. Did you just fart?
+Did you just fart, sir.
+Whatever.
+Easy, easy, Homer, I want to help you fulfill some of your childhood dreams.
+Really? Now? I have two pizzas coming. I wanted to see who would get here first.
+Now, Homer! Get your coat!
+I asked him here to cheer you up, but I didn't think you'd drop everything to go gallivanting with some, no offense, Spaniard.
+I promise you one thing, Madam. When I return your husband, he will be happy, bringing a new sense of adventure to your marriage -- and to the bedroom.
+I'm not used to strange men saying the word "bedroom" around me.
+Would you prefer "sala de amor?"
+That's even worse. Could you say it one more time?
+Sala de amor.
+Hello, children. I hold before you a copy of the school's new honor code.
+I know if I can get the toughest kid in class to sign it, the rest of you will sign it. Milhouse?
+He's not the toughest kid, I am!
+Now, the smartest kid. Milhouse?
+He's not the smartest kid! I am!
+Now the class nerd. Milhouse?
+Homer, are you prepared to achieve the dreams of a ten-year-old? I took the liberty of crossing off the stupid ones.
+Now, this book of your childhood drawings will come to life.
+Why are you doing this? Wait. Are you in love with me?
+In love with the concept of you, yes.
+Woo-hoo! I'm an attractive concept like Liberty!
+One more ride?
+Don't forget to ring the bell!
+I'm sick of pirates off the street ruining my play! I'm going back to my old career!
+Care to see a dessert menu? We have the best cobbler since Daniel Day-Lewis!
+How much did this cost to restage?
+They rented everything from Comic Book Guy for ten bucks.
+Don't stink up the Gorn head! I need it for a Bar Mitzvah later!
+Now don't forget, this is the first exam under the new honor code.
+Now don't forget, this is the first exam under the new honor code.
+They're doing it! They're self-proctoring!
+Can't you say anything in a normal way?
+The answer, sadly, is not yes.
+I don't know what it is about having all my dreams fulfilled, but I feel great.
+If you're happy I'm happy.
+That doesn't sound happy.
+I feel kind of... melancholy...
+Mmm, melon collie.
+That's not helping.
+Well, what was your childhood dream?
+Jumping on the bed. But I never disobeyed my parents, till I married you.
+Let's do it.
+I'm a little tired. Could we just snuggle again?
+We do that every night! Come on! Jump on the bed!
+Can I help you, stranger?
+I am just watching my friend and his wife innocently pleasure themselves in bed.
+That sounds salty but you seem sweet. I'm gonna call you kettle corn!
+Eduardo. I haven't felt this good in years. You're like the Tooth Fairy except you don't collect human bones.
+Yes, yes. Of course I don't.
+So that's it? All my dreams, lived?
+Eh... all but one.
+Well, we've gotta do it! I never leave a job unfinished. It's as true now as that week I worked on the high school yearbook. So much infighting. I had to get outta there!
+All right, Homer, we shall do this thing.
+The editor put in like six pictures of this girl 'cause she was his girlfriend.
+Everyone has a bad yearbook story. They spelled my name wrong! Get over it!
+So don't do what I did. That concludes our safety video.
+Just step out that door and you can glide to earth like your boyhood hero: Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
+Um, actually, my hero was the actress who provided Rocky's voice, June Foray. A true legend in the voiceover community. I'm just gonna stay on the plane and think about her influence.
+She has lived her life. Now you must live yours.
+Do not worry! I will follow the trail of your fear!
+Will Homer make it? Or will he leave a crater the size of the one that destroyed the Yucatan? Find out in our next exciting installment: "Fat Splat" or "When You Squish Upon A Car."
+It's amazing. Every day has the peace and serenity of a flu outbreak.
+I guess I'll be getting some extra credit for this.
+Lisa, I'm afraid you've gotten all the extra credit we can give out. So Willie has been growing you a nice pumpkin.
+Here it is, lass. You want me to carve it into a "Thank-o-lantern?"
+No, this is good.
+Well, this knife's got to carve something!
+Homer...
+You don't have to flap. Just glide on the wind.
+Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap!
+Yes, good, much better.
+I got Bart's backpack.
+He got a hundred on his test?! That's impossible!
+Is Bart cheating?
+Are the Pope's tweets infallible?
+Bart! I'm gonna tell!
+No, you're not. Because if you tell people I cheated, that means your system failed.
+Oh my God, you found a loophole! Why don't you just put this much inventiveness into your work?
+Because then I'd be the one thing I swore I wouldn't: you.
+I'm doing it! I'm flying like the squirrel I always knew I was.
+Ooh, indigo!
+It's me, talking in your earphone!
+Come down, Homie! "You only live once" also means when you die, you die!
+What's going on?
+Are you mocking me?!
+You can listen to your wife when you are dead. Savor the moment.
+Majestic eagle... just like me, unashamed of his baldness.
+So beautiful.
+Aw, he probably sees a mouse he wants to tear in half.
+Stupid tallest building in Springfield!
+You've presented me with quite a conundrum.
+A word you should know since it was on a vocabulary test you aced.
+But after some thought, all my worries went away.
+I know the answer. I'm gonna force you to turn yourself in.
+Good luck with that. The only thing that'll change my mind is a sign from God.
+Son, it was so beautiful! I went faster than the speed of sound.
+Well Bart, is that enough of a sign for ya?
+All right, I'll turn myself in. It'll give me a chance to work some more on the detention quilt.
+This patch is for all the victims of atomic wedgies.
+My friend, you've lived your dreams.
+No matter what, Homer Simpson has done it. And soon I hope I remember who Homer Simpson is and his relationship to me. But I have no regrets. In fact, all this has given me a sense of calm I've never had before.
+That's the morphine.
+Can you give me the morphine forever?
+No way! A person on morphine all the time would constantly dissolve in inappropriate laughter.
+Eduardo? Eduardo! Eduardo!
+Oh. It was all just a dream.
+It was not just a dream and you said you'd drive me to the airport.
+Oh yeah. Great. Um... Do I drop you at the curb or do I have to park and walk you in?
+Go as far as your heart will take you.
+You are a good friend.
+YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE BUT THAT'S OKAY / YOU'LL LIVE QUITE LONG IN THE USA / BUT BACK TO MY POINT, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE / YOU'VE GOT YEARS AND YEARS UNLESS IT'S JUST MONTHS
+Come on! Just pick one!
+Fine. You can have your old one!
+You can have one of these!
+Did you know some historians think American football is based on an ancient Aztec game?
+It's not American football, it's just football!
+Bart, you're not annoyed that Milhouse asked me to go to the American football game instead of you?
+Mom, Lisa's ruining football.
+American football.
+No time for breakfast, Marge. Just give me a banana.
+Now, listen... I have to work late tonight.
+Again? I was hoping you could spend some time with the kids.
+It's a tough economy. Money doesn't grow on trees.
+It grows on threes!
+Eh, I'm out.
+Me too.
+Too rich for my blood. I should not have anted with my blood.
+You've got the touch tonight, Homer.
+Nice sunglasses, Lenny.
+You gotta pay to find out. You looking for a tell? I don't have one, my friend.
+What? What are you lookin' at?
+I'd better call it a night, guys. I don't want to take any more of your money.
+Who's president now, Alexander Hamilton?
+I think it's Obama.
+Hold the door, please!
+Two minutes apart.
+Timing the elevators, eh? Smart.
+No, no. I'm timing my contractions. I think I'm in labor. Deep in labor.
+Okay, okay, no worries.
+What the?
+Do you have a cellphone?
+Everyone has a cellphone. Mine's at home.
+The most beautiful moment of my life is happening NOW!
+Everything will be fine... um... Oh you, uh, you like movies? This reminds me of that scene in "Alien."
+The scene where she escapes with the cat at the end.
+Aw, that's sweet. Listen... I'm glad I'm not going through this alone. I haven't seen my boyfriend in months.
+Oh, he was just here.
+No he wasn't. But thanks for lying.
+You like lies? Here's a few: college is expensive but it's worth it...
+I think the baby's coming!
+Okay Homer, remember your Lamaze training...
+Now, this next position is fantastic for women who are carrying especially big. Homer, can you demonstrate?
+Yeah, wow, that does feel good. Oh no, I think it's coming. I haven't even picked a name yet!
+You did this to me!
+No, I didn't!
+I'm talking to the baby. Here it comes!
+Um... I don't know how to tell you this, but your baby doesn't have any legs--
+Oh! Oh wait, there's more!
+It's a dude! And he's uncut! Very Euro! Now, hug your mommy.
+For unto you is born this day, in this elevator, inspected in August 2009, a baby.
+Well, it was nice to share this moment with someone who cared.
+Yeah, that guy didn't even look over once.
+Lobby please.
+How was work?
+Miraculous.
+Mothers are so awesome.
+These are great seats. You can hear the players swear from up here!
+I'll kick your ass, Milhouse!
+And now, to take your minds off the massive concussion and subdural hematoma you just witnessed, please welcome the Springfield Atomettes!
+Now, for this routine, we need the help of a junior Atomette!
+They're picking me, Dad!
+Don't call me "dad." If people think peanut vendors have families, it's too sad.
+Looks like we've got a volunteer... right there!
+Look, while I'd like to help, I'm kind of pessimistic about the team's chances.
+They're gonna get creamed. Go go go!
+I'm dating a cheerleader!
+No you're not!
+Burned again, Milhouse!
+Wow! That was great! Can I have my regular clothes back, please?
+Nooooo problem!
+Great job, ladies. Now here's your fifty bucks each which should just about cover your parking.
+I can't believe he pays you so little. The crowd was crazy about you.
+I know, but what are we gonna do about it? If we pipe up they'll put us in the mascot costume.
+After you wear that, you need to be hosed down for bedbugs.
+Good game, everyone. I never dreamed a night where you'd discovered I was cheating and beat the crap outta me could end on such an up note.
+See ya next week!
+Hey, Gretchen!
+I had your jacket cleaned!
+Good as new. And thanks for loaning me your sweater for the ride home. It may be a little stretched out.
+Jeez, that was a pregnancy sweater.
+So... you wanna hold little Homer?
+Wow. So now there's two things named after me -- a baby, and a law banning air horns after three a.m.
+Aw, that's sweet.
+Read 'em and weep: the novels of Charlotte Bronte.
+I thought we were playing cards.
+Um, hey... I was just driving by... with some baby stuff we didn't need and uh...here's some diapers Maggie's too big for, an incredible educational toy I forgot to give Bart...
+Thanks. Hey... could you babysit for an hour? I've been alone with the baby for days.
+Wow, I'd love to help, but I did kind of have plans for tonight...
+You can't leave! I'm dealin' you in!
+Full house?! You win again.
+I think I'll be good tonight and stay in with you.
+Where's Hoju? Where's Hoju? Where's Hoju?!
+Where's Hoju? Where's Hojuuu?!
+Kids blow up so fast.
+Homie? Aw, you're shopping ahead for Maggie.
+Oh, no, I'm shopping for Homer Junior, a baby I delivered in an elevator the night I pretended to go to work but was really playing poker!
+Oh, yes, I am shopping for Maggie, our baby together, so this looks perfectly innocent.
+Why are you saying that?
+Oh, you know how the first few weeks are: sleep deprived, walking around in a fog...
+First few weeks of what?
+Um, November.
+Hey, Atomette! I wanna say... Caitlin?
+Lisa. Guys, do you realize you're being exploited by this team?
+They sell your posters...workout DVDs...and all of your practices are broadcast on a webcam.
+And some of the angles are loooooow. But don't worry, collective bargaining will enable us to secure concessions.
+Excuse me.
+We're gonna push 'em back, push 'em back, push 'em way, way back! All the way to a new con-tract! 'Cause union power is a fact! And we're...
+Okay, okay, we get it.
+Well, look who's here. You been hit by the cheerleading bug, little lady?
+Actually, I've been hit by the unfair labor practices bug.
+What? Why, that's Samuel Gompers talk! Now, little Missy, the only thing you should be organizin' is your dollies.
+How? By size, brand, value? And don't even suggest race, 'cause I don't see that. I just see little people I own. What do you say, ladies?
+Not right! Not fair! Let's say it with our hair!
+Okay, fine. I'm gonna give it some thought, then say no in the nicest way possible.
+Ooh, Good... nice... "Beat Dallas." Can never argue with that.
+Hey, ladies.
+My vest isn't the only thing that's ripped.
+I am in the market for a backup mistress. Possibly two.
+Have you kids seen your father? Surprised he's not here ogling these girls.
+He said he was going to work.
+On a Friday afternoon?! I bet he's playing poker again!
+Coming through! Wife on a mission!
+Go, fight, win... Marge!
+Wow, I've never burst through a banner before, but it really does the trick!
+Homer! I know you're here, your car's outside!
+Where is he?
+I honestly don't know. I'm just teaching myself massage here with online videos and a store mannequin.
+Oh, I'm so sorry.
+So, do you have any injuries I should know about?
+If he's not in there, where is he?
+Oh baby!
+Oh baby, shake it! Homer like!
+Shake it! Now, roll over on your tummy, just like I taught you.
+Tell me what a cow says!
+My other baby mama!
+So this is where you've been going -- another woman's apartment.
+Marge, it's not what you think!
+Quiet! You're upsetting Homer Junior!
+You have a baby together?
+Oh, it's cool. We did it in an elevator.
+I'm a Schwarzenegger wife.
+But you're also the housekeeper, so it's all good.
+It's not good! None of it's good!
+I haven't had a drink for a week.
+That is pretty good.
+...so then you delivered her baby right there in the elevator.
+It's true. Even the other guy in the elevator. He's right here.
+Yeah, and the really funny thing is I'm a doctor.
+Well I'm glad you did a good deed, but you shouldn't come here again. I thought that was strange poop on your collar.
+Goodbye, Homer Junior. I guess you're the man of the house now. And never forget, even though the mortgage is due on the first you can usually wait till the seventeenth.
+You know what? I think it's fine if Homer spends a few hours now and then with... Homer Junior.
+Exactly. You always said charity begins at home -- but not which home.
+It's true, I never specified the home.
+And now to sing you a lullaby my father sung to me:
+SLEEP, SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP / SLEEP SLEEP / SLEEP, SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!
+Oh man, I really overdid it tonight.
+Late night at Moe's eh?
+No. I'm exhausted from "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Knees and toes." It's the "toes" that get ya, Marge. It's the toes...
+What about your own children?
+Way ahead of you, Marge. I am taking all four of my kids to the zoo tomorrow.
+Yes. We'll be back by three. Homer has a very tight nap schedule.
+Quit talking about that baby!
+I was talking about myself in the third person.
+We can't take much more of this, Lisa. The girls are getting so antsy they'll cheer anything.
+YOU'RE THE GREATEST GENERATION / WORTHY OF OUR VENERATION! GO-O-O GRAMPA!
+If this is Heaven, why don't my shoes match?
+Okay, I give up. I'm gonna do what we secretly did at the Alamo -- surrender.
+While you're at it, how 'bout a little boost for peanut vendors?
+What do you think I'm taking their raise out of?
+I wanted you all to be happy together, so I brought you to the zoo where all the animals live in harmony.
+Okay guys, I got your ice creams.
+Hey, oh oh oh! Now Maggie, we don't hurt each other in this family.
+Are you nuts? You can't even kiss me goodnight without slicing me with your stubble.
+Why you little... I'll give you a goodnight kiss you'll never forget! C'mere, you!
+Dad! We're missing "The Giant Capybaras of Uruguay!"
+Can I just say goodbye to him quick?
+Okay, I know what'll cheer you kids up. Seeing me out-monkey the monkeys.
+I have a soul and you guys don't!
+Dad! Maggie's rolling away!
+She's heading for Prairie Dog Village!
+If they get her in their warrens, we'll never see her again!
+Look! Shiny keys! Jingle jangle!
+Stupid monkeys.
+That's it, Maggie! Use the Dino-Wand!
+This is the last time you'll see that... elevator baby!
+I'm sorry, Homer Junior. You'll occupy an idealized place in my heart that no one can never quite fill.
+Therapy, please.
+Me too.
+Okay, I've got to impart all my fatherly advice in this one walk. The sky is blue, but no one really knows why. Don't believe what they tell you. Girls are great and terrible at the same time. Get used to it. And, most importantly-- Oops, we're here. You'll have to figure it out on your own.
+Sorry, little fella. One day I'll be that guy who comes to your wedding, makes you feel a little weird, and then runs away.
+Homer, great news! Chase came back!
+Woo hoo! Who's Chase?
+Homer Jr.'s father!
+Oh my God, is that my son?
+You didn't tell me he was a soldier.
+You didn't tell me you were pregnant.
+I didn't want you to marry me because I was pregnant. I wanted you to marry me because I was nagging you.
+Um, he likes it if you tickle his toes.
+Dude, he's my kid. He likes what I like.
+But n-n-n-nurture...
+Gretch -- I think he's got my calves!
+He does, baby, he does!
+I guess this is it, little guy.
+The most beautiful words a father can hear.
+Da-da! Da-da!
+Hey, one day you'll have kids of your own.
+Really? Then this is much creepier than I thought. Much.
+He shouldn't have bet his door if he didn't wanna lose it.
+Hi Maggie, if you could talk, I know you'd have a few choice words for me.
+You want me to take care of your dolly?
+That's the sweetest thing any baby has ever done for me.
+Honey, you know where the bottle opener is?
+I think it's in the drawer.
+Whoa, little dude! Where did you learn that?
+This is what we're fightin' for, babe.
+Hey, what's this marching band have to do with Homer Junior? What? There were cheerleaders in our house? And nobody told me?
+ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER THAT YOU'LL EVER DO...
+TWO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE / IT'S THE LONELIEST NUMBER SINCE THE NUMBER ONE...
+NO IS THE SADDEST EXPERIENCE YOU'LL EVER KNOW / YES, IT'S THE SADDEST EXPERIENCE YOU'LL EVER KNOW...
+'CAUSE ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER THAT YOU'LL EVER DO / ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER, WORSE THAN TWO... AND ONE-- You know, I really think I've made the point.
+The rain has washed away the playground shed!
+I'm being chased by sports!
+It's called "precipitation," because it never fails to precipitate unruly behavior.
+...doomed to get only single pneumonia.
+A spitwad?
+Well, at least I'm getting some attention.
+And the best part is I'm bombarding her with her own homework.
+Begone!
+Well, you're never alone surrounded by "The Autobiography of Charles Manson."
+Hi. New kid, second grade, don't you love the rain?
+New kid? Um, have you made any friends?
+Just Charlotte, Emily and Anne.
+That's a reference to the Brontë sisters!
+You got my reference to the Brontë sisters!
+Nice to meet you, Lisa Simpson.
+How do you know my name?
+I deciphered the anagrams on your notebook.
+Be Lisa?
+Isabel!
+Ooh, spaghetti.
+Y'ello! Lisa, you got a call from someone named Isabel.
+May I ask what this is regarding? Oooh, a budding new friendship? Oooh! Boy, how come you can't get a new friend?
+What's wrong with the one I got?
+I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear. I remembered correctly, it was a green one!
+Oh, for God's sake.
+And don't you hate being the middle child?
+This is the first I've heard of it.
+Yeah, in the car, I always have to sit on the hump. It makes reading impossible.
+Lisa, your food's getting cold!
+It's raw veggies, they're supposed to be cold!
+Well, someone who loves you put melted butter on them!
+Thank you, Mr. Bergstrom. I'll tell Lisa you dropped by.
+I'd better go.
+Okay, but one more thing: I noticed we're both doing presentations on Franklin Roosevelt at school.
+Why don't we do them together?
+Oh my God. Someone wants to be my partner. Can't screw this up.
+Downloading, downloading, downloading, downloading, downloading...
+Woo-hoo!
+Franklin Roosevelt bravely instituted a series of reforms called the New Deal...
+...which ran totally counter to America's tradition of limited government. P.S.: It was also unconstitutional.
+F.D.R.'s steadfast leadership also helped America win World War Two...
+...until the weak-kneed Democrats sold us out at Yalta. If you haven't guessed, Lisa -- I'm a Republican.
+A Lincoln Republican?
+Not really.
+A Reagan Republican?
+Keep going.
+First President Bush?
+Gettin' there.
+Oh, dear God.
+I must say, Lisa, it was amusing to see you thoroughly de-high-horsed.
+That isn't a word.
+Oooh, back on the saddle she climbs.
+I just can't believe someone like you would be a Republican. I mean, isn't your last name Gutiérrez?
+Just what exactly are you saying?
+I'm just saying that people of your heritage... which could be any one of many heritages, I'm not pigeonholing... is it a Catholic thing?
+I'm a non-observant Jew from Argentina.
+Ay carumba!
+Do you even know what that means?
+Um... there's, there's a carumba in my eye?
+It's the Spanish version of "hot damn."
+Ay carumba!
+Lisa? Is everything okay?
+Yes, why?
+Because you're doing your homework and you don't look happy.
+My new best friend isn't what I thought. She's a... Republican.
+What is so funny? They're destroying the world!
+They are, huh?
+I thought I'd show you this when you were older, but...
+You voted for Reagan?!
+It was a crazy time, the eighties.
+You don't hear me listening to the Thompson Twins anymore. Although...
+So... you were going through a phase?
+All right, eighties party! Where's the beef? Tear down that wall! Because I think the beef is behind that wall!
+Now get up here, boy! We're gonna do the Super Bowl Shuffle.
+No! You never let me be Mike Singletary!
+Fine. You're Mike Singletary. Enjoy your mediocre coaching career.
+MY NAME IS HOMER / I'M A REAL FULL BACK / GONNA RUN THAT BALL / DON'T WANT NO FLACK...
+IF YOU TRY TO RUN / YOU'LL GET A HEART ATTACK...
+Why you little--
+HEY BIG MAN / DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE / I'M JUST HERE TO DO THE SUPER BOWL... SHUFFLE...
+People's views change. Bobby Kennedy worked for Joe McCarthy. Larry David was on Fridays.
+What are you trying to say?
+Isabel's only eight. As she grows up, surprising things will happen to her body... of beliefs. But she could always use a friend like you.
+Isabel?! / Lisa?!
+Listen, I'm really sorry about...
+No, it's okay. My Mom says you're just going through a liberal phase.
+What?! My Mom says you're going through a conservative phase!
+There's no such thing. Conservatives only get more conservative! Because every year they get a little further through "Atlas Shrugged."
+Listen, we're both eight years old. Can't we just play Monopoly or something?
+My father owns a monopoly!
+That young filly is exactly the kind of candidate we need to start recruitin': she's a young, dynamic Latina. Yee-haw! I said that just right!
+Without the Hispanic vote, even Texas is poised to turn blue. Bluuuue!
+Yeah, we must reach her, and groom her, before she fattens up like Chris Christie. He thinks G.O.P. stands for Gravy on Pancakes!
+But despite my mirthful remarks, obesity is no laughing matter.
+Just can't resist those words "signup sheet." Oh, looks like I'll be running against Isabel. And Ralph?!
+Just call me Ralph Nader! I don't know why.
+Isabel! I want this campaign to be about the issues: same-sex fieldtrip buddies, providing class pets with a path to citizenship...
+And no digging up past relationships. Sure, Lisa and I dated. Sure, she broke my heart. I'm sure your researchers know all about it.
+Really? But I got this!
+Ew. How long has it been since you washed your stomach?
+You can't ask that anymore!
+Quit shoving me.
+I'd like a word with you, young lady.
+How did you get in there?
+Slid in through the grates.
+Here's the "scoop." You're our future so we can't afford to have you lose. And I love the Spanish, from the Inquisition to the delightful Franco years.
+What are you talking about?
+Move over. I know how to talk to kids. We wanna give you a little present: a tainted victory that will haunt you forever!
+I'd rather do this myself.
+But who'd own you then?!
+You couldn't buy me with a wheelbarrow full of ice cream!
+Whoa, nicely done. You've charmed another one right into the arms of the Libertarian Party.
+Maybe we can help her without her knowing we're helping her.
+No one says I can't buy a second grade election. Why, I had enough money to fix People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive."
+Most of the money went to convincing them that I was "alive."
+Who ordered the Yumboni?
+Right here! Now, Smithers. I want you to eat this for me, describe every taste, and don't forget the brain freeze!
+Sir, I am lactose-intolerant.
+And I'm backtalk-allergic! So start eating!
+Have a great day, kids. And Bart, I'll pick you up after school to take you to karate lessons.
+Cakey or gooey?
+Mom, after six weeks, I figured out that "Sensei Weinstein" is really my psychiatrist.
+Either way for forty-five minutes you're not my problem, sweetie.
+Don't worry, Lisa, despite the paid ad, I'm strictly middle of the road.
+Idiot! / Pick a lane!
+What are you doing?!
+I'm as bewildered as you are. I don't know why, but the Springfield Republican Party is grooming me.
+Grooming? Yuck!
+Unfortunately, I can't stop it. The Supreme Court says spending money is free speech.
+Well then you could use your free speech to denounce this intrusion of big money into our election.
+I'll think about it while I'm on my listening tour of the cafeteria.
+Pour me another.
+What are ya doing? S'imaginary.
+Fine. I gotta go.
+I'll see you later.
+Ay carumba.
+Bart, I need you to help me win the election.
+I can help, but it's gonna get rough.
+I'm fine with rough.
+You don't know what rough is.
+That ain't rough. More like a gentle breeze.
+Maggie hits harder.
+Did the goodnight pixie just kiss my cheek?
+Okay. You got my attention.
+You wanna win this election? Then from now on, you do exactly what I say.
+You got it.
+First go make me five pans of brownies.
+You're just taking advantage of the situation.
+Maybe Isabel likes baking.
+I'll make both.
+First we reel them in, then we scare the hell out of them.
+By discussing the school's budget crisis?
+No, with balls to the head.
+Bombardment!
+I associate Isabel with a pain in my tummy.
+Bombardment?
+Miss Simpson, your platform calls for the creation of a student-run garden.
+Organic gardening is an essential part of twenty-first century education, teaching both hands-on--
+And what programs would you cut to pay for this precious garden of yours? The new whiffle-bats? Pizza Friday?
+Not Pizza Friday! Sorry Lisa, you lose again.
+You gotta get on your game, sister. You think I'm tough? Wait till Gutierrez sinks her teeth into you.
+Remember you've got an ace in the hole -- chocolate milk in the water fountains.
+That's impossible. We've already had the best plumbers in the city look into it.
+Hey, we'll worry about that after you're elected.
+What are you so happy about?
+It's in the bag, Lis. Once everybody sees this.
+Training wheels. She still uses training wheels. And watch this.
+Excellent.
+What am I doing? Untent! Untent! Oh Bart, I want to win, but not like this. I'm sorry. You're fired!
+Leave the bottle.
+I bet by the end of the night you're gonna look pretty good.
+Welcome to our first in a series of thirty-seven debates good Lord before the elementary school elections.
+You're a booger head.
+Do it and you'll kill him.
+And I say we move beyond name-calling to solve our real problems.
+Booger head!
+Vote for whoever you want to. To me these are both losers. Now, the Second Grade debate between Isabel Gutiérrez and Lisa Simp-a-son. Sounds weird.
+Ivy Agee, Frank Marino, Glen Gloyd. These are men who fought at Omaha Beach, and they are the reason I'm running for Second Grade Rep. Dios los bendiga a todos.
+I'll bet my baloney sandwich that girl's gonna win.
+A little rich for my blood, sir.
+Yes, you can fog a mirror, Seymour, but I wouldn't call you alive. Now, the other candidate, Lisa Simpson.
+Okay, I'm a liberal. And sometimes that's a dirty word.
+Liberal.
+But what liberal really means, is someone who believes that those who have more than enough should share a little with those who don't.
+And those principles have consistently been in place during this country's most prosperous times. So if that's a liberal then I am a liberal... and hang me.
+Sorry, we're just setting up for "An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge."
+The Democratic Party pantheon. Such lofty ideals! And here come the spirits... Michael Dukakis, Walter Mondale, John Kerry?! These are all losers!
+I'm afraid you're heading for a loss, Lisa. And when we lose, we lose big!
+What about Obama? Harry Truman? Bill Clinton?
+Lisa, you're a lot like me: play the saxophone, come from a small town, raised by a mother with no help.
+So, do you know how I can win?
+I don't even know why I'm a ghost. All these guys are alive. John Kerry here is Secretary of State. And doin' a bang-up job.
+Well, we still have a long way to go on Asian currency issues.
+Can I at least remove the balloons?
+Absolutely. And Lisa, I'm only appearing in this dream so I can visit with you about the Clinton Global Initiative. See, our mission is to turn ideas into action and to find innovative solutions to... hey, hey, hey, hey, you can't fall asleep in a dream!
+I know what I've got to do.
+Hello, Isabel? Listen...
+CGI also convenes CGI America, a meeting devoted to economic recovery and job creation...
+You used to be fun.
+Kevin Costner used to be a movie star. Get over it.
+And now for their final debate, please welcome Lis-a-sa Simpsone and Isabel Adolpho-Guzman-Lopez Gutiérrez. Ladies?
+I just wanna say I don't care about politics, electioneering, or negative campaigning. If my friend Lisa wins, so be it.
+And I also wanna say that if--
+Time's up.
+But I--
+Stop showboating.
+Back in the banner shed ye go.
+Good morning. We have completed the tally of the votes for Class Representative.
+One brief announcement, the tainted Greek salad has given several students nightmares involving Michael Dukakis.
+It may recur tonight, so if possible, have your parents strap you to the bed.
+And now the results. First Grade Rep: results delayed indefinitely due to jelly on the ballots. Second Grade Rep: Isabel Gutiérrez.
+Third Grade Rep, no votes cast. Fourth Grade Rep, last name Wiener, first name, Ima... Simpson!
+Congratulations, Isabel. I truly hope you enjoy the Friday morning council meetings and the, the free Snickerdoodle cookies.
+Smithers! We won! Drop the balloons!
+Ow! Ooh! Ay-eee!
+Hey Lis.
+Hey. I'm sorry I fired you.
+No hard feelings. A lot of good things have been happening to me.
+Thanks, Bart.
+I think you might feel better if you looked at these exit polls.
+They find me a pointy-haired know-it-all.
+Yes, but they agreed with everything you said.
+What are you getting at?
+Fifty-three percent said they'd vote for a liberal, just not you.
+Huh. You hear that world?! They love my ideas, just not me! And that is half the battle! Ha!
+Hello, I am elder Anderson Cooper.
+Welcome to our first debate between Republican Isabel Gutiérrez...and Lisa Simpson, representing the Democratic Robot Zombie coalition.
+First question: Ms. Simpson, what would you do to get America out of Afghanistan?
+That's our girl.
+SKINNER!
+SKINNER! / HE PATROLS THE SCHOOL HALLS...
+SKINNER!
+WHEN YOU SPIT, HE'S GOT THE BALLS!
+AS YOU MOSEY THROUGH THE SCHOOL / ALL THE KIDS SAY YOU'RE SO COOL
+AND YOU EVEN MADE BART SIMPSON SPILL HIS MILK!
+SKINNER!
+SKINNER! YOU'RE THE MASTER OF YOUR FATE!
+Skin-ner!
+SKINNER! / YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN CHAPS... SKINNER...
+Wake up! You're on!
+Children, I have some exciting news.
+Were you thinking it?
+I'm here to tell you about a field trip so amazing we've put "sign here" stickers on the permission slips.
+As you recall these stickers came from last year's field trip to the "sign here" sticker factory. But thanks to my old navy buddy -- we both love to shop at Old Navy...the students of this school will be taking a ride on a nuclear-powered, attack-class submarine -- the U.S.S. Tom Clancy!
+So you're all excited, eh?
+Well that's too bad, because many of you will not be going.
+There is limited room on the submarine, so only the best-behaved students...as determined by me...will go on the trip.
+Woo hoo!
+Well I get to go!
+To increase the tension, everyone starts with a clean slate. But from this moment on...
+I am the law. I hold the red pen.
+SKINNER!
+Pranks, inside use of outside voice, off-color whistling, and you're stricken from the list. And once crossed off, you stay crossed off. That's what pens do.
+Help! I'm trapped in space with a man I don't like!
+Submerge! Periscope! Aooga! Aooga! Die, Nazi octopus, die!
+Sweetie, about the submarine... what's your favorite food to eat when you're disappointed? I'm going shopping tomorrow.
+Ice cream sandwiches. Why?
+What your mother is trying to say is we don't think you can be good that long.
+Mom, is that true?
+Well, that's sort of what I was trying to say. But...
+What your mother is trying to say is--
+No, you're wrong! You're all wrong!
+I didn't say anything.
+Get real, ding dong! You've already done so much bad stuff, Skinner's never going to let you on that boat.
+No, Skinner said I had a clean slate. So right now, I'm as good as any other kid.
+Good one, ding dong!
+Don't listen to them. They're the ding dongs.
+Bart, sweetie, this is an opportunity for you to turn things around, yet again. And I believe in you. Yet again.
+Thanks, Mom. I'll start by taking my plate to the dishwasher...wherever that is.
+Marge, I love Bart as much as you do but actually not. And that kid cannot go one week without getting in trouble. Now if you'd be so kind as to start my car for me, I'm going to Moe's.
+Ooh! Thank you.
+What are you doing?
+To avoid temptation, I'm getting rid of all the things that could get me in trouble at school. I buried all my whoopee cushions in the back yard.
+What the?
+That's not where I buried them.
+Come on.
+Don't take my custom limo! At least let me sniff my coke out of the floor mats!
+Oh, hi little girl. What brings you to see Uncle Krusty?
+Krusty, are you broke?
+Yeah. All it takes is some bad luck at the ponies, worse luck in the bitcoin market, heavy investment in a high-end bookmark company...
+You could do what "Everybody Loves Raymond" did.
+Go off the air while I'm still good? That horse has left the stable, gone to the glue factory, and has been used to make art projects.
+I mean you could sell foreign rights to your show. Even SpongeBob did it.
+Buon compleanno, Squiduardo!
+For what?
+No, no, no, Roberto! E 'una mina della seconda guerra mondiale, che farà saltare in aria e...
+Calamari?! Nooo!
+Cute stuff. But I'm still broke, girlie.
+Not my Monet! I only looked at it once!
+What I'm saying is, you could produce foreign versions of your TV show with actors from other countries...
+Okay, I'll do it!
+Not my Shetland dolphin! Although I won't miss the constant yapping.
+Not anymore, he ain't.
+Gum on the floor. Off the list.
+Unauthorized meat-a-pult. Off the list.
+Lips touching the fountain. Off the list.
+It's not my fault there's no water pressure!
+Excuses are like handkerchiefs -- everybody's got one.
+I don't have a handkerchief.
+Off the list!
+Firm but fair, sir.
+Don't want any troublemakers on our submarine.
+Not bad, Simpson. Did you wash your knees?
+Front and back, sir.
+Principal Skinner? I object to this arbitrary use of power and request I be taken off the list.
+Off the list!
+Thank you.
+Aw man, five days without pranking. I'm getting strange red marks.
+But I'm gonna make it.
+Uh-oh. Something's wrong with my long yellow car.
+Any of you kids got a triple A card?
+What?! No! I'll be late! Skinner will cross my name off the list!
+All fixed up!
+Off the list.
+Muddy footprints on the school floor.
+I've broken a ten-year-old's spirit. Time to celebrate... with a fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt.
+Plain, plain, plain, plain, fruit!
+No, mother, I did not use any of your talc. I don't know why the bottle feels lighter. Maybe you're just getting stronger!
+Some days I could just kill you.
+She heard me? Hello?
+Hold for the President.
+This is... Barack Obama.
+Is this a prank?
+That's... offensive.
+I want to... talk about... submarines... and trips. Simpson... has to go.
+Simpson... has to go... on the... submarine. On the... submarine. On the... submarine.
+Of course.
+This is Barack Obama. SO IN LOVE WITH YOU... I like Ohio State... you can put lipstick on a pig... SO IN LOVE WITH YOU...
+Welcome. Welcome foreign market Krustys. If you examine your "Krusty Kit" you're gonna find un-removable green hair dye, a used red nose, and a guidebook on how to capture a monkey. But now, the man they call Mr. Monday Afternoon... Krusty!
+Hey-Hey!
+Hai-hai! / Hu-hu! / Heil-heil! / Rødgrød med Fløde!
+Now there're many words for what I'm looking for... rubles, renminbi, baht... but they all mean money, which rhymes with funny, which you can be if you want. I don't care. Just do the Krusty show in your country and send me ten percent. Then send me another sixty percent. Then five percent more and you're good.
+Fire that torpedo, Milhouse!
+Aye-aye! Where'd it go?
+Nice job, Simpson. You even got my Suze Orman tape unstuck from the cassette player. She's the reason I was able to purchase a new watch band.
+Always braggin' about his fancy watchband. If only I could tell time.
+Okay, I washed your car like you asked, I did your paper route, and I'm sorry. I really am. This could be the turning point of my life. Where you, as a school guy, made a difference. What do you think? Can I go on that sub?
+Sorry, Simpson. Take her down!
+Yippee!
+Poor Bart.
+Rasta hey hey, on the left-hand side. As my mother used to say "Wanti wanti can't get it, getti getti no want it". Now here's Itchem and Scratchem, mon.
+THEY SMOKE / THEY TOKE / THEY SMOKE AND TOKE AND SMOKE / SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE, / TOKE, TOKE, TOKE / THE ITCHEM AND SCRATCHEM BLOW!
+Eye and eye say good-bye!
+The blessings of Jah upon you all.
+You're a hit all over the world!
+There's Chinese Krusty with Sideshow Mao...
+Even Irish Krusty.
+Me ma she had twelve children, but only three lived. Then they closed the mill. Hey hey.
+And it's all thanks to you, kid. To show my appreciation I'm gonna bring you with me next time I entertain the troops. Warning, they're not American troops.
+Hello, boy. At times like this there's not much you can say... especially if you don't know what happened...
+Skinner didn't let me go.
+Really? Hey, I bet that submarine isn't so fun anyway.
+You think so?
+It was just imaginary.
+I know a kid should never turn to his father for help, but I got screwed. Is there anything you can do?
+As I always say, don't get mad, get dinner. Then get even. With Skinner.
+You'll really help me get revenge?
+Yes. What's Skinner's weakness?
+Everything.
+Good. We can use that.
+SKINNER!
+SKINNER! / YOU ARE FEELING PRETTY SMUG!
+SKINNER!
+SIPPING COCOA FROM A MUG!
+WHEN YOU'VE REACHED THE MOUNTAINTOP / YOUR NEXT STEP IS A DROP
+No, no, no, no, nooo!
+SKINNER!
+I'll be right there! Just saying goodbye to mother! Seymour! I'm going out for a walk! See you in several months at the soonest!
+We have a problem, Seymour.
+I did everything for you and you stabbed me in the back.
+Wait a minute... I knew you were a neat freak, Skinner. But you beat your rug till it bleeds?
+All right, I'll come clean. I woke up and, surprisingly, mother wasn't there beside me. She was dead.
+Still, I can't be sure I killed her.
+Well, I'm sure our town's police force will handle this competently.
+Now I could investigate further, but you don't want to sit in jail all weekend.
+Chief, that was awfully arbitrary.
+Not compared to this.
+Let me handle things. Just go upstairs and shut the door. There are some things only a boy should see.
+Now do you want to dispose of this jelly-soaked pillow?
+Just call me "The Cleaner."
+Um, where's the body?
+Take a look at this.
+She's in a better place.
+The deed is done.
+I wish you'd asked me before you...
+Look, you kill them, I get rid of them. That's always been our deal. But I do have one question: do you want the head?
+No! No! God no!
+Well if you change your mind it'll be in my freezer. But only for a week. Got a lot of ice cream comin' in.
+If this were a movie mother wouldn't let me watch it.
+Now, I'm afraid it's time to start your new life. You'll be hunted... on the run... searching for the man who killed your mother, which is you. So avoid mirrors.
+Krusty... I have some very bad news. The foreign Krustys are all hotter than you. Irish Krusty's got a show on Broadway.
+Oy, where's your monkey?!
+There never was a monkey! I was just tellin' stories to forget me consumption.
+Hey, you see there, they need to hit the word "monkey" harder if they want to get a laugh.
+Don't you get what I'm trying to tell you? You are now the least popular Krusty in the world.
+What about Romanian Krusty?
+What, you mean President-for-Life Krusty?
+I still get a piece, right?
+Putz! You're the least successful version of you there is.
+A piece! Now let's see where this goes.
+Irish Krusty, this is your baby!
+The only thing working 'round here is your libido!
+Now I know why ma walked into the sea with her pockets full of rocks, on Christmas!
+Why doesn't this material work for me?
+Seymour! The cops are on their way!
+Here's a bus ticket to Juarez and your fake I.D.
+Oh, come on. I don't look anything like this... "Dick Fiddler."
+No you don't. Yet.
+I don't want to sound ungrateful, but could I eat one of the potatoes?
+Sorry, but Dick Fiddler is allergic to potatoes.
+I understand.
+Thanks for stickin' up for me.
+Someday I may have to fake my own death. And maybe you can help me with that.
+Sure, Dad.
+Someday soon. As in, what are you doing this Friday?
+Dick Fiddler!
+Gentlemen, I can't run away from what I've done. I accept that I killed my mother. My whole life she's belittled me! Maybe deep down... I'm glad.
+This has gone far enough. I'm starting to think this "school project" is more than meets the eye.
+Mother! You're alive?!
+Seymour, when this fat guy and his kid asked me to fake my death to punish you, I said, "Sure, that's something to do."
+You know, when you glare like that you look really beautiful.
+But when I just heard you say you were glad to see me dead... I thought, now I'm gonna be meaner to you than ever!
+How is that possible?
+I've stopped taking those pills that keep me nice.
+FIDDLER!
+FIDDLER!
+YOU LOOK STUPID IN THAT BEARD. FIDDLER!
+FIDDLER!
+THIS DREAM IS GETTING WEIRD...
+But instead, we're giving you something even better: I will do a guest shot on each of your shows! Eh? Eh?
+Twist him like a balloon!
+Cut off his hey-heys!
+Let's slice him up and cook him in our traditional dishes!
+Krusty, can't you think of something?
+Uh, you know, why did you even become a clown?
+THEY SMOKE / THEY TOKE / THEY SMOKE AND TOKE AND SMOKE / SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE, / TOKE, TOKE, TOKE / THE ITCHEM AND SCRATCHEM BLOW!
+Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Mister Mouse!
+I've never watched one of these sober! I gotta get this bloodbath off my kids' show!
+Dammit!
+Ah geez, when did everything turn to crap?
+Bart, don't use language like that!
+Homer, you have to take the Halloween decorations down before you put the Christmas ones up.
+Marge, to that I say boo, humbug.
+There's a new Grinch this holiday season, and its name is "global warming."
+Meteorologists warn there'll be no snow this Christmas anywhere in America. Not even in Alaska, where the Eskimos now have a hundred words for "nothing."
+Global Warming, huh? By pure coincidence, every scientist was right!
+But it's not all doom and gloom. Illegal poachers are having a field day!
+EIGHTY DEGREES / WATER WON'T FREEZE / GOD HELP US PLEASE / NO ONE'S ON SKIS...
+HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY HUNTING! / HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY HUNTING!
+Sorry kids, I guess the hats and mittens will have to wait until next year.
+Snow?! Snow!!!
+Oh, you know what this means, kids?
+I don't have to pick up the dog poops!
+So you see, the "snow" is a micro-climate aberration caused by radioactive steam from the nuclear plant and of course tire fire particulate.
+So, we're the only place in America with snow, if you can call it that. I guess you can.
+Don't you idiots see what this means?!
+Idiots? Why do we reelect this guy?
+'Cause his opponent has a long, Slavic name.
+Who want bumper sticker?
+People, Springfield is now the only town in America that has snow this Christmas. So tourists are going to want to come here.
+...stay in our hotels...
+...slurp our spaghetti...
+...die in our hospitals!
+I say we welcome our winter tourists with open arms -- then gouge the hell out of 'em! Who? Who will gouge with me?
+I too will gouge.
+Duff Beer is proud to make a corporate commitment to gouging!
+Here come the tourists! Man your A.T.M.s!
+Why would a robot need mittens?
+Why would a little boy need an aspirin?
+I don't know.
+The one thing Bongo Comics are good for.
+Are you okay, Chief?
+I'll be fine, I'll be fine. Bent down to pick up a piece of candy and rolled down a hill. You always think it's the other guy that'll turn into a giant snowball. Never you. have you seen Lou?
+There's snow in my lungs!
+A lotta attitude in that hand, Lou.
+Look at all these out-of-state license plates!
+"First in Freeways"... "The 'Yuh-Huh' State"... "Jewel of the Fracking Belt"... "Still a British Colony at Heart"... "Land of Many Water Snakes"...
+Valet parking five dollars.
+People, I'm completely out of milk! I do have several DVDs of the movie "Milk." An inspiring return to form for director Gus Van Sant!
+Do you have "Life of Pi?"
+No, but I have home movies of me on a canoe with a big dog.
+People who've never seen a movie say it is a good movie.
+We can't afford Christmas. And when you can't afford Christmas, you've failed as a family. That's what all the big stores say.
+Excuse me, ma'am? I'm so sorry to bother you, but my kids are exhausted and the town is sold out. Is there any chance you'd have a spare room for us?
+Well, there's a rec room off the kitchen, but sometimes it's there and sometimes it isn't. Our house is very odd that way.
+Please, please ma'am? We'd pay you three hundred dollars a night.
+Well, you seem like a nice pushy stranger.
+Ma'am, because we talk this way, people always think that we're um... what is that word, honey?
+Passive aggressive.
+Right, right. But we're not. Please, please take our money and everybody wins.
+Oh good. Marge remarried after I died. Wait a minute, I'm not dead. What's goin' on?
+These are our new boarders!
+Uh-uh! No way! I'm not sharing my bed with anybody except you! And maybe that guy. Lincoln-style. But that's it.
+This is a great thing! We're helping people celebrate Christmas, and we'll be able to afford Christmas!
+Oh, I don't know. It won't seem like Christmas without opening up a giant credit card bill in January.
+What the-- "The Simpson Bed and Breakfast?" I always wanted to stay in a place like this!
+But Christmas is a special time. And I like to spend it in the warm embrace of watching football.
+Homer Simpson! Ask yourself -- "W.W.B.J.D.?"
+What would baby Jesus do?
+Well, this crazy scheme is the kind of impulsive behavior I want to encourage in you. I'm in. A hundred percent!
+I'm on a break.
+Welcome to our daycare center... all girls please move to cootie quarantine.
+We've got a two-month-old. Are you sure you can handle her?
+Just don't lose this claim ticket.
+That church doesn't look very inspiring.
+What a bland marquee.
+It doesn't look very inviting. /
+This whole crowd's gonna be at my sermon today.
+Darling, did St. Paul worry about the crowds?
+Oh, he wrote letters! Any fool can write letters!
+Lord, I'm just a small-town minister. We don't have Mormon money. But if you could see your way to guiding my fingers as I type this sermon...
+Oh, yeah... oh, this is black church good!
+My friends--
+Friends, every year I tell you this holiday is about the birth of our Lord, not singing Santas and full stockings.
+You're losing us!
+Christmas is not about what happened in a manger some two thousand years ago. It is about what you do for others now.
+Get me the church bulletin! Lovejoy's on fire!
+Christmas is the Holy Spirit!
+Fine. I'll drink alone.
+I didn't know there were doves in there. Give with your hearts! Give with your acts! And you will know the true meaning of Christmas!
+Wow, what a showman!
+I haven't felt this inspired since the blueberries at breakfast!
+Daddy, permission for a religious fit.
+A brief one.
+I said a fit, not a fervor!
+That sermon really inspired me. This whole Christmas has been about money...
+Oh! Are you with the Salvation Army?
+What makes you think that?
+Bless you.
+But I'm going to give gifts that aren't expensive and come from the heart.
+I don't know. Christmas didn't get to be the number one holiday by being about love.
+Um, when a woman talks, she just wants to be heard.
+Where is the end?
+Hey, Marge, we're running out of chestnuts over here!
+Well, they don't grow on trees.
+Uh, yeah, they do!
+What about our romantic carriage ride through the snow?
+Setting it up!
+I don't think you're giving them what they were promised, Dad.
+The secret is don't read the comment cards.
+Where do the people sit?
+I thought they were just gonna watch me.
+Excuse me. This eggnog is terrible.
+All eggnog is terrible!
+Those stockings are not hung by the chimney with care.
+Why did I do this for money? Why did I do this for money?
+And the Christmas special on your television is one of the worst.
+We now return to "King Winter Feasts On His Children."
+By the time Princess Summer comes to save you, you'll all be blood in my beard. Your own father's beard!
+How long to see Santa?
+How would I know? I'm an accountant.
+I imagine for small business, huh?
+God, I hate Christmas.
+Mr. Flanders, where's your store?
+Well... I'm down to a kiosk, thanks to that place.
+Actually, half a kiosk. Sharing it with Nasreen here.
+No cream is finer than mall kiosk cream. J Lo use it!
+No thanks.
+It is no wonder you are not married. Flip me back.
+If I have to give presents, I'll give presents with a purpose. One for Maggie... check.
+All that's left is Bart.
+No, no, no, no, no, no... ah, perfect!
+...ALL FROM SATAN'S POWER AS WE WERE GONE ASTRAY...
+ O-O TIDINGS OF COM-OMFORT AND JOY!
+IN BETHLEHEM, IN ISRAEL / THIS BLESSED BABE WAS BORN!
+Enough! Stop! Christmas carols only have one verse! Well they may have more, but the second verse is where they get all weird and religiousy.
+More wassail, please.
+And don't skimp on the aromatic bitters!
+For your information, Gloria, my "wassail" is just Gatorade I put in the microwave!
+I drank that under the mistletoe!
+It's not mistletoe, just cherries and lettuce!
+I thought when I ate it it wasn't poisonous.
+I've opened up my house to you. And all you do is fill this joyous season with petty complaints.
+Ho, ho, ho!
+Not now. Take out that pillow and put it in room three.
+The pillow acted as a girdle.
+Any more questions?
+Ah yes, will the pudding be figgy?
+The pudding will be Jell-O.
+Quite so.
+I'm going to sulk in my room.
+The only thing good about this place is the piano player.
+An Angelica Button wizard robe... with wand pocket!
+And wand.
+Professor Digglesby's wand! Now I have every wizarding stick from the Spells and Potions Department of Wagglepoofs Academy!
+Don't make me learn about it.
+I know this Christmas has been a little rocky even for the Simpsons. But I think these gifts born of thought and love will restore the balance of prajna and samsara, I mean holly and jolly.
+Now dad, I'd like to give you your present.
+You got me weed?
+Even better! They're bags of seeds, so that you can plant a garden and watch it grow.
+That's great, sweetie. After all that time and hard work, I'll have... radishes?! It's the most hated part of salad, which is the most hated part of dinner! Radishes. Nothing but radishes.
+Dad, stop!
+What? I'm saving them from the struggle of life.
+Well, at least you're eating vegetables.
+Vegetables?!
+Okay Bart, open your present. It's the one I'm most excited about.
+Plastic bubbling vomit... plastic bubbling vomit...
+What?! Lis, you're smart. Why would you give me a book? 'Cause it's easy to wrap?
+Nothing is easy to wrap. I have trouble with scissors!
+Marge, the brochure promised us a happy Christmas.
+My uncle died in your bed. Merry Christmas.
+What? N.C. Wyeth! These are book illustrations!
+Stop it, stop it! Why in the world would you burn a book?
+Actually, the idea to do this came from a book.
+"Fahrenheit 451" by Ray Bradbury?
+What? No, I got it from this.
+How could you burn the present I gave you?
+Because it's my present! Did you give it to me because you thought I'd like it or because you wanted to feel better about yourself?
+Children... perhaps it's time that I explain the true meaning of Christmas.
+Shut up, Flanders!
+Okily-dokily.
+Now did you check the room to make sure you haven't left anything?
+All set.
+Need directions, or a bottle of water?
+No thanks, we're fine.
+Thank you sir!
+Oh right, we're still doing that.
+Come on, I'll drive you to the airport.
+Where are my keys? Oh, right here.
+Bart, you were right.
+If you smell your farts in a dream, you die?
+No, about Christmas. So I went out this morning and I got you this.
+It's a tablet with books on it, but also apps, like "Worms With Friends."
+Wow. But how'd you afford it?
+I sold the gift you gave me.
+Get the twist?
+Obviously.
+You're saying it's from Maggie, but actually it's from you. Thanks, Lis.
+Now why don't you donate that to whatever hopeless cause you want.
+Thanks, Bart. This'll make a lot of arctic loons very happy.
+Listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry I overreacted. Thank you all for coming.
+Well, we have something to say to you, Marge.
+WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS / WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS...
+WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS / AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
+GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING--
+No second verses! They creep me out.
+Okay, we'll sing a different one.
+GOOD KING WENCESLAS LOOKED OUT / ON THE FEAST OF STEPHEN.
+That one creeps me out from the beginning.
+"WHEN THE SNOW LAY ROUND ABOUT / DEEP AND CRISP AND EVEN" / BRIGHTLY SHONE THE MOON THAT NIGHT / THOUGH THE FROST WAS CRUEL...
+Oh, the happy sound of a blender.
+Oh, boy. Monday morning chit chat at the water cooler. The only reason to have done stuff over the weekend.
+...the only part of the movie I didn't get is: now Radioactive Man gets his powers from his suit?
+The suit is slowly killing him, but if he doesn't wear it, he'll die.
+Wait, you guys saw the new Radioactive Man sequel?
+Uh, it's not a sequel, it's a reboot.
+Actually, this one undoes the stuff from the last one, so it's a de-boot.
+Stop talking! I haven't seen it yet!
+"Radioactive Man Re-Rises" came out three days ago. It is fair game.
+Yeah, if you haven't seen it, then you gotta leave the water cooler.
+But what if I want some cooled water?
+You should have thought of that when you were not seeing the movie.
+It was so awesome when Radioactive Man had to erase his own memory.
+Yeah, so he wouldn't be tortured by his past, when he was born in the future.
+They're talking about the movie! Hurry up, you idiot! No, no, don't stop! I'm sorry I got mad. I'll do that thing you like.
+I got Radioactive Man's new villain -- the Collider.
+I turn out to be a good guy.
+I die, but come back to life after the credits.
+Sometimes we feel there's nowhere left to turn, much like Radioactive Man, when he had to kill his own antimatter twin
+AMAZING GRACE / HOW LOUD I SING / TO DROWN THE SPOILERS OUT... shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
+...with a blast of time particles from the Chrono-cube, and in doing so, mortally wounding his girlfriend, who was pregnant with his own grandfather.
+And stay out!
+Okay, I've gotta go see the Radioactive Man movie before it gets totally ruined for me.
+Ooo, date night! I'll go change my bra!
+I wanna see "Radioactive Man Re-Rises!"
+If Bart's going, I'm going!
+If you all go, then I have to pay for a babysitter!
+We'll call that nice girl who's getting her Masters in Child Development.
+Emily-Beth? We can't afford Emily-Beth! She brings her own puppets!
+Bye bye, Maggie!
+Bye bye, money!
+Two adults, two kids, and one senior with the mind of a baby so he should be free.
+For the 3-D show, that'll be seventy-two dollars.
+More snip, less lip.
+Homer looks upset at the high ticket prices.
+Or, for ten dollars more you can see it in IMAX Hobbit Frame Rate Virtual Reality Vision.
+All right, movie, you better be worth it.
+The motorcycle dudes are chicks!
+I wonder what else is chicks?
+Don't ask. Do smell.
+Also available in "Arctic Slut," "Morning After Melon," and "Elon Musk."
+Hey... they tricked us! That's a commercial! If I wanted to pay for commercials I can't skip, I'd sign up for Hulu Plus!
+You're shushing me! This guy's on his cell phone! She's texting! He's sexting! And that guy brought a baby to a nine o'clock movie!
+That's negative, man.
+What happened to the movies? First they got worse than TV, and now this!
+And stay out!
+Chins up, Homer. You don't need a theater to watch the movie. You just have to illegally download it.
+Illegally download it? Is that legal?
+Who knows? But it sure is easy. I'll walk you through it. All you have to do is--
+The FOX network forbids the broadcast of step-by-step instructions for illegally downloading copyrighted intellectual property. In the meantime, please enjoy this footage from Nascar's 2011 Martinsville Cup.
+Wow, that was easy! All I had to do was click on--
+And play!
+Bless you, boy. That was the greatest thing I've seen on a computer that I can talk about with you in the room. How did you know how to do that?
+I'm under thirty.
+Guys, guys, I saw the Radioactive Man movie! Here's my ten favorite scenes from worst to best -- number ten: when what's his name did that stuff with those dudes. Number nine--
+COPYRIGHT LAW / COPYRIGHT LAW
+Uh, Homer, that movie's been talked out. We're discussing the new James Bond flick.
+I like that James Bond is ugly now.
+I like that he doesn't have any gadgets.
+I like that he's not good at shooting, doesn't say funny quips, or do any James Bond stuff.
+Shut up shut up shut up!
+Homer, go to the theater and see the movie.
+Theaters? All I need to see this movie is a laptop and a website based in a country that's really just an offshore oil platform. Care to join me?
+That was so much better than the cinema. It mixes the wonder of movie-going with the rush of stealing.
+All we want is brand new, big budget entertainment in our homes for nothin'! Why doesn't Hollywood get that?
+Gentlemen, I am inspired to create a theater for the people -- an experience free of all the nuisances and gouging of modern day movie-going!
+Yeah, no more jerks talking on their cell phones!
+No more jerks telling me not to talk on my cell phone!
+And best of all... we'll never have to sit through another annoying commercial again!
+Welcome to "Cinema Pirate-diso." Tonight's movie is "Life is Funny," directed by Judd Apatow. It's based on his life, starring his family, and adlibbed by his friends. So for the next three and a half hours, enjoy!
+Did you just pass gas while we were making love?
+You're the one who hired the Korean taco truck for our private school fundraiser!
+I live it, he writes it.
+Well, what'd you think?
+We may be going to hell for seeing "side bosom," but this backyard is a little slice of Heaven, all thanks to Homer Simpson!
+This is fun! And it was so nice of the movie company to let you show their film.
+Let me? Uh, sweetheart, I downloaded it off the internet... illegally.
+An illegal download? But Hollywood says stealing from Hollywood is wrong.
+Why should a regular guy like me have to spend fifteen bucks a ticket so studios can pay huge salaries to the Air Buds and Ray Liottas of the world?
+When I watched that pirated movie, I was stealing with my eyes. So I'm repaying the good people in Hollywood for the ticket I should have bought.
+Now this money will end up in the hands of the talented people who make magic happen on the silver screen.
+Karen, get me the FBI! Karen!
+You people joined this squad for one reason -- to fight movie pirates.
+I wanted to catch serial killers.
+I wanted to get serial killers.
+From now on, you will lay down your lives to protect America's chick flicks, buddy comedies, and steady stream of animated misfires.
+Sir, you have to see this.
+... took it off the web... watched for free... never pay for a movie again...!
+Men, set your guns on "kill." We're going after Homer Simpson.
+I now present, direct from the computer of an angry editor at a special effects house, "Cosmic Wars Episode Seven".
+My childhood has been un-ruined!
+Listen up, seat meat! You are all in violation of Title Seventeen of the US Copyright Code.
+Easy there, hotshot. All the people are doing is watchin' a movie.
+Ow, ow, ow! I'm-I'm not wearing an undershirt and my badge is poking into my skin!
+What's going on here? Is there a fondler in the neighborhood?
+I'm here to arrest and hopefully stage the prison suicide of the mastermind of this operation -- Homer Simpson!
+Ooo, mastermind.
+You like this?
+We got our man, thanks to a tip from a heroic American snitch.
+One of you turned me in? Who was it?
+Superintendent Chalmers, you never forgave me for that time we wore the same Hawaiian shirt to that luau!
+They're gonna take Dad! We gotta do something!
+I'm on it.
+Copyrighted material!
+Don't look at it!
+Someone sell me a ticket!
+Ear plugs in! Blinders on! We trained for this!
+From now on, the only place you'll be watching movies without having to buy a ticket is jail.
+Baby, promise me you'll find out who turned me in!
+It's probably someone I would never suspect! Never suspect!
+Your moans of sympathy are all I have!
+Whoever did this will be haunted by unbearable guilt forever!
+Forever!
+What are you guys in for?
+Bank robbery.
+Drug trafficking. What about you?
+Movie piracy.
+People in show business work hard to make those movies!
+My media stocks under-performed because of people like you!
+My brother lost his job as a grip on a movie set because of piracy. He had to sell his jet ski. A grip without a jet ski ain't no grip at all!
+You're about to find out what we do to copyright infringers.
+Woo hoo!
+It's almost like having Dad here. Only with less growling when I go near his food.
+I just want to know who dropped the dime on Dad. Lousy rat.
+Maybe the person that turned your father in thought they were doing the right thing.
+Homer just pirated a movie. It's not the worst thing Dad ever did. It's not even the worst kind of pirate Dad's ever been.
+Lisa, tell your brother that stealing is wrong, no matter what.
+I don't know. It wasn't like Dad was stealing for himself. He created this wonderful experience for the whole town. I just can't imagine anyone turning him in.
+Dad! Dad! You're back! You're back!
+Homer! What are you doing out of prison? You have to go back and give yourself up.
+I can't go back to jail! There's no shampoo, just soap!
+Wait, I know one place in Springfield that doesn't care about internet piracy laws.
+Thanks for taking us in. Our family always appreciates asylum.
+This consulate is like being on Swedish soil. You're as safe here as you would be in the Skatteskrapan.
+Your country doesn't think illegally downloaded movies is wrong.
+The people of Sweden believe all movies should be shared freely.
+How is that not stealing?
+Bah! Your Hollywood studios are the real thieves -- claiming all their hit movies have lost money. I spit on their bookkeeping!
+Yeah, and why don't they make a sequel to "Taken" where the "Hangover" guys get taken and the only ones that can rescue them is "Fast and Furious."
+Oh man, I would love to pirate that.
+As would the proud people of Sweden.
+They've found us!
+There's only one surefire way to get fugitives out of a foreign building: blasting death metal.
+RESPECTIN' THE LAW / RESPECTIN' THE LAW / COPYRIGHT LAW / COPYRIGHT LAW
+Swedes love death metal. It reminds us of death.
+Damn those peace prize-giving fish-smokers!
+I'm so tired of being trapped in this embassy.
+Consulate.
+Consulates are regional offices, which serve the embassy in the capital.
+Thank you so much for sticking with me through all this. You're the greatest wife in the world.
+It was me! I was the one who told the FBI.
+You? How could you? You're my own flesh and blood!
+I was just trying to do the right thing! Who would have thought the authorities would use a confession against me?
+Have you forgotten what you promised at our wedding -- to love and cherish, to aid and abet?
+I never wanted to say funny vows!
+Well you did. And they got laughs. Solid laughs.
+I didn't mean for this to happen, but... you were stealing.
+All I ever had was you looking out for me. I've got nothin' now.
+All rise in the matter of The People Versus Homer Simpson.
+All rise in the matter of the People versus Homer Simpson!
+The people call Hollywood ultra-producer, Judd Apatow.
+Homer Simpson is an enemy of art. Art created by writers, directors, and the guy who uses a computer to erase or enhance nipples.
+And not just the people who dream for a living, but the people who depend on us. The spin class instructors, the personal rabbis, Seth Rogen.
+It's true, I need him.
+I saw a bootleg DVD of "The 40 Year Old Virgin" for sale at a carwash... they left off my director's commentary! It didn't even have a blooper reel!
+So... everyone's a pirate?
+Homer Simpson, you have been found guilty of illegal reproduction and distribution of copyrighted material. Before sentencing, do you have anything to say for yourself?
+Homer, tell them your side of the story. I know I hurt you, but please trust me now. It'll work.
+You know what, Judge Apatow... I do have something to say. These movie people may say I'm a pirate. But I'm just a man. A man who loved Hollywood too much. So I made my own rules, and fought the big guys who tried to destroy my way of life.
+He doesn't sound like a villain.
+He sounds like a classic underdog.
+He's the unlikeliest of heroes!
+But where's the love story?
+At first my wife didn't believe in me. Maybe we forgot why we fell in love in the first place.
+But when times seemed darkest, one minute ago, she was there, and gave me the strength and courage to fight for what I believe in.
+He's a downloading David versus a greedy Goliath!
+An Erin Brockovich -- but with more cleavage!
+Two, three, good lord.
+He's hitting all four quadrants!
+One family, against all odds, took on the system... and lost.
+Mr. Simpson, I'd like to buy the rights to make a movie based on your true story.
+I'm attached as executive producer! Attached! Attached!
+One movie? We envision a trilogy.
+Will Smith's family wants to play your family.
+I'd be Jaden!
+On behalf of Hollywood, we are dropping all charges.
+These people hate my dad. How can they want to make a movie about him?
+Hollywood may be run by big corporations trying to squash people, but they make movies about people standing up to big corporations trying to squash them... and winning.
+And the worst one of all is--
+I'll sign with whoever can convince Channing Tatum to gain the most weight to play me.
+Surprise!
+What the hell is all this?!
+We're so excited about your movie that we're having a special screening.
+But the movie isn't in theaters till next week.
+Yeah, we ripped a version off Bootleg Bay just like you taught us.
+It's still got time code on it, but otherwise, it's a clean copy.
+You're pirating my movie?
+The hell you are! Piracy is stealing! You're taking money out of my family's mouths.
+But the movie is, it's about you pirating movies.
+Oh that's Hollywood fantasy. We live in the real world, where I have something called "prof-it par-ti-ci-pa-tion".
+That's negative, man.
+Homie...
+Now all of you go see my movie in the theater the day it opens! No bargain matinees!
+And tell your friends it was great! Buy the stuff they advertise in the commercials before it.
+Homer in the movie wears Ask Body Spray and so should you. Don't ask! Do smell!
+Homie, do you really think you should be--
+Up bup bup bup bup! What have we learned about not blindly supporting our husband?
+Ask Body Spray!
+But then when times seemed darkest, she was there, and gave me the strength and courage to fight for what I believe in.
+On behalf of Hollywood, we're dropping all charges.
+So what do you think, Lis? Who are the good guys here, the media companies or the internet freedom guys?
+Well, both groups claim their intentions are noble, but at the end of the day, they're both trying to steal as much money as they can.
+High above Zenith City, Radioactive Man keeps a lonely vigil.
+All seems quiet. Maybe I'll fly to China and get some takeout.
+A Sky Tweet from Commissioner Sweeney! This looks like a job for "at-Radioactiveman-underscore-oh-one"!
+Leaping leptons! It's the Fossil Fuel Four! Old King Coal...
+Petroleus Rex...
+French femme fatale, Charcoal Briquette...
+And the enemy of drinking water everywhere, The Fracker...
+Stop attacking the nuclear plant, this country's safest energy source!
+Studies show I'm America's best hope for energy independence!
+Those studies were industry-financed!
+You lie!
+Holy hadrons! I need backup!
+Calling Citizen Solar and his sidekick Wind Lad!
+I believe you will find zem... lacking in energy.
+It's too cloudy.
+People don't like the noise I make!
+Petroleus Rex! Please remember when you used to be environmental scientist Rex Bernstein!
+I have become my dessstiny!
+I'll crush you like a gnat, King Coal!
+Half-life... quarter-life... eighth-life... gone.
+Frack-cellent!
+They killed off Radioactive Man?! I did not see that coming. Die carumba.
+They'll just reboot Radioactive Man in an overpriced new origin issue and get clueless fanboys like you to line up at midnight to buy them.
+Clueless fanboys in costume!
+Wow! Midnight! I won't know which day to write in my diary.
+Would you take me to buy a comic book Tuesday at midnight?
+And miss the back half of Jimmy Kimmel? That's when he experiments, boy.
+You never watched an episode of Jimmy Kimmel in your life!
+Yes I have! After the Oscars when he forces you!
+Quiet! Quiet! And attention, please, valued customers. You will each be allowed to enter the store and buy one copy. Swallow your gum now.
+Mr. Book Guy? Can I go first? I was once cast to play Fallout Boy in a movie.
+Tell it to Harlan Ellison.
+I think you over-privileged kids with your electronic tablets and your talking phones wouldn't know a good piece of fiction if your iPod read it to your ass!
+I wish someone would've come from the future and warned me not to talk to you.
+That's my idea. You're stealing my idea.
+C.B.G., what's the haps, my man?
+Well, well, well, if it isn't Milo, the owner of my main competitor, Coolsville - or should I say, Foolsville.
+That is some tasty cashish, my friend.
+Indeed. And how did you spend your evening?
+Let's see... I wrote a "Lost" fan fiction finale that also answers all the questions from "Twin Peaks..." re-ranked all the "Dr. Who"s by puffiness of the hair... oh, and I also got married to my actual, non-imaginary, comic-tolerating girlfriend, Strawberry!
+Now when Milo talks to himself it won't seem crazy.
+So, Milo talks to himself. We will treasure that information. Yes we will.
+Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna share this primo origin ish with my bride. Even the mintiest comic is just acidifying pulp if you have no one to read it with, right?
+Nerds don't get girls!
+These days they do, man. Comicon is now eight percent women.
+Wrong! Wrong! Wr-- or... is he?
+C'mon, buddy. I gotta get home and climb into bed with my loving wife.
+Oh right, you have a loving wife?
+Marge and I get along perfect. We're like George Burns and John Denver.
+Man, carrying these kids is hard on my back.
+And now to Moe's.
+Look at him, he's got family... friends... what do I have? "Jimmy Olsen versus Matter-Eater Lad." Hm, better than I remembered actually. No! No, it isn't! It's horrible! The only thing that could make this moment more clichéd is if I started to sing about my feelings... and here I go.
+I'VE ALWAYS BEEN HAPPY TO CALL MYSELF SINGLE / NO MARY JANE OR LOIS LANE WITH WHOM I'D COMINGLE...
+YOU COULD SAY THAT I WAS / AN UNSTACKABLE PRINGLE.
+I'VE GOT ORIGINALS SIGNED BY SIEGEL AND SCHUSTER / BUT THEY DON'T SATISFY IN THE WAY THAT THEY USE-TER.
+IT REALLY DON'T MATTER IF YOU'VE GOT A CAP ANSON /
+IF YOU SPEND YOUR NIGHTS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR PRANCIN' / WITH A CARDBOARD STANDEE OF SCARLETT JOHANNSON!
+GUESS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN LONELY, BUT I'VE NEVER REVEALED IT. / DROPPED MY HEART INTO MYLAR, AND THEN VACUUM SEALED IT.
+Stan Lee! Or... is it my imagination?
+I'm your imagination. The real Stan Lee's over there.
+Excelsior!
+But listen: as comic book guys go, you're trim, friendly and quite a catch.
+But now your opportunity is knocking.
+Don't let it slip by.
+Can you help me?
+I can only watch. I cannot interfere.
+New Radioactive Man number one, please.
+Come on, Nudnick. Ask her out.
+You're interfering!
+Hey, I'm ninety years old. I can do what I want.
+Um, er, stammer, eh... can I sign you up for our frequent buyer's club -- "The Just Us League?"
+You would be Member Number zero zero three. I am the first two.
+Sure. I am Kumiko Nakamura from Osaka.
+I'm visiting America's saddest cities as research for my autobiographical manga.
+Volume six: "Springfield: Land of Angry Tears"!
+That's you. The man with sparkling eyes and zigzag beard.
+You've seen me before?
+Yes, through window. But you don't see me. You're either looking down in disgust or up in disdain. I think you have great soul.
+Would you permit me to go in the back and do a brief inventory?
+She tolerates me!
+Is-it-too-soon-to-give-you-flowers-in-a-Hulk-hand?
+It is the perfect time.
+Bart! Your comic vendor's here!
+Actually, it is you that I am here to see. I, um, I need your help... in getting ready for a date. The closest thing I have to a father is the Obi-Wan doll in my store. And he comes from a race of celibate knights, so...
+I will help you. As long as our bellies never touch again like they are right now.
+But why pick me?
+Because you're the only fat man in real life who ever got a hot woman.
+Well, come in! I'll explain how it all works. Okay, it helps if she's got a mother she's trying to get back at.
+No woman will be able to resist you dressed like this.
+Now remember, don't be the way you normally are, and sustain that for the rest of your life.
+Kumiko, meet my dear friends, Homer and Marge Simpson. In my country it is a tradition to bring a much older couple on a first date. It is not in any way weird or sad.
+Does anyone tell you that you look like the man on a box of Mr. Sparkle?
+Aka ni taishte burei da! Yogore o yaburu!
+In Japan, drinking your detergent is a popular method of suicide!
+Honki da yo?!
+Kumiko, for you we chose the coolest restaurant in town.
+But the walls are covered with garbage.
+Not garbage, Americana.
+Here's some more Americana that bubbled up in the swamp.
+Here you go! Your all-American, fifty-state potato skin sampler!
+Okay, Wisconsin, cheddar. Maryland, blue crab...
+They're neither in alphabetical nor geographical order! What madness is this?!
+Please, sir, ask your questions after all fifty "tates"!
+I cannot hide the snide inside!
+I don't mind. If you think it's stupid, say it's stupid.
+Really?
+In Japan, no one ever says what they think. We know our game shows are degrading and our baseball fences are too close. But no one says anything.
+Attention restaurateurs! You should've spent less on the kitsch and more on the kitchen! With this bowl of Chuck's Cherokee Salsa, I baptize you mediocre at best!
+American nerd snark is the finest in the world. Let's go walking and mocking in the rain.
+I'm in love! And yet still a little bitter. It's surprising.
+Father, why-sa you-sa forsake-a me-sa?
+Enough nonsense! I came here for my daughter!
+Marge, Homer, you have nurtured our love like Steven Spielberg nurtured the careers of Zemeckis and Gale...
+So we want you to know I have decided to move in, to the basement under his store.
+At last we'll be in the same bed, just like Batman and Robin.
+Homer, I want you to take Kumiko and Comic Book Guy a housewarming present... and maybe check in on them?
+We've talked about this, Marge. The hammock is a chore-free zone.
+Apparently including tying the knots on the hammock.
+And getting the termites out of the trees.
+Not a word.
+Excuse me, sir, I am looking for my daughter. I thought this was her residence, but all I see is a store full of non-pornographic manga.
+You're Kumiko's father? Welcome, sensei!
+I am not Kung Fu instructor. I am humble salaryman who could kick your ass. Say, has anyone told you you look like--
+I know, Mr. Sparkle.
+I was going to say, like you're going to have a stroke.
+I get that a lot too.
+Now please, where is my daughter?
+Okay, she moved in with her boyfriend. Well, he's not a boy. He's immature, but fat and old.
+So, an obese nerd has stolen my daughter to live in his basement?!
+I didn't tell you about the basement.
+It was an obvious guess!
+Daughter, you are coming back to Japan! There are eighty-seven old people who need you to take care of them.
+No! Please! Please! I was becoming cuddly! I deleted rants from my blog!
+You can retrieve rants if you did not empty your trash. Goodbye!
+Now I know I've got a heart, because it's breaking. Wizard of Oz reference! Did I do that? Urkel reference! Help me. Fly reference! I can't stop. I can't stop.
+Homer Simpson, this was your doing. And I want you to fix it!
+I have a bad feeling about this. Every-action-movie-ever-made reference!
+Homer, we have much in common. We both love our daughters and discipline our sons.
+No, discipline would imply I'm trying to make him better... so, are you married?
+My dear Michiko has passed away but she is always with me.
+You promised double suicide!
+You hear what you want to hear!
+Always with me. Another drink! Something stronger!
+Snake rice wine.
+Now that's disgusting. Wine made of rice?
+Try some.
+Why didn't I stop with the snake wine? Why did I drink the fish wine?
+That was the aquarium!
+You didn't see nothin'. Scram!
+I am ruined by whimsy!
+The good thing is, soon I'll be a beautiful swan.
+What's going on here?
+We'll explain it!
+The rice wine has penetrated to the essence of your souls.
+Yeah, listen to my tail.
+You're the tail!
+No, you're the tail!
+Dad, Bart's feet are on my half of the shell!
+Why you slimy little...!?
+Hey, that actually feels good!
+Oh yeah, more. A little bit more. Right there. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's the stuff!
+I AM A GOLDEN BIRD / AND I LOVE THE COMIC NERD / OF THIS I WON'T BE CURED / PAPA SAN, PAPA SAN...
+The monster is me! Who'da thunk it?!
+Homer, drinking that snake wine and going to White Castle afterwards really opened my eyes.
+Mister Nakamura, I have used my hitherto unmentioned chemical engineering degree to get a real job, at the Springfield Phosphate Works.
+They're giant polluters but the C.E.O. is a woman. It's very vexing.
+Now, have I proven myself worthy of your daughter?
+Please, take your time.
+You were worthy... the way you were.
+I was? But I rented the store! I ebayed my stool!
+Cancel the sale!
+But then my seller rating will go down!
+Stop being nerd!
+Yes, Papa-san.
+Geekly beloved, we're gathered here in the eyes of me, king of the cameo, Stan Lee, to celebrate the wedding of Comic Book Guy and Kumiko Nakamura. Does anyone wish to offer any thoughts on this blessed occasion?
+Yes, I would like to say something. Since I met Kumiko, strangely, comic books no longer seem so important. I will also be selling greeting cards. Every day I will give one to Kumiko in commemoration of today with the salutation "Best. Day. Ever."
+Ghost wife, are you happy?
+Kind of!
+How long am I gonna stay this way?
+As long as we keep drinking this.
+Give us your eggs.
+I'm a boy!
+We said eggs!
+GLOWING RODS / GLOWING RODS / IT'S MAKING ME / WEAK AND DIZZY...
+Rumor has it they're about to give out the company Christmas gifts.
+Who told you that?
+I got an in. The V.P. of Personnel is doing my girlfriend.
+Look at you, Mr. Connected.
+I hope it's better than last year's lousy gift.
+Yeah, what a rip.
+Remember this gift?
+The executive stress ball.
+One more squeeze and you're fired!
+Now-I-feel-more-stressed-than-ever! Gah!
+Excellent! Excellent! Excellent!
+You don't look so excellent to me.
+Ho-ho humbug! Santa Claus approaches to judge and punish!
+Wow, a good gift for once!
+Oogle Goggles. Augmented Reality Glasses.
+You wear them like eyeglasses, but inside the lens, you see information about the people and places around you.
+Finally I'm not a slave to my stupid human eyeballs!
+Glasses! Call Lenny!
+I'm getting a call! Answer call! Hello?
+Lenny! It's me, Homer!
+Huh. I always thought it was Simpsen.
+Really? Don't you ever look up at the sky?
+I always wondered what that was.
+Sir, I'm concerned about your sudden generosity. The doctor said to bring you in right away if you display kindness or warmth.
+Don't worry. This Santa still has claws!
+As of now, each of those nuclear nitwits is wearing a video camera -- with a direct feed to me.
+You're spying on them!
+Smithers... how much did this company lose to office supply theft last year?
+Seven thousand, forty-three dollars.
+Yes, well, no more of that... thanks to this twenty-six million dollar surveillance system! Beware, rabbits... I spy with my transplanted eyes! Oh, and I forgot to show you the best feature!
+Each of these buttons represent an employee. When I press it, he or she dies.
+What's wrong with this thing?
+Now, remember kids, the school says you must have a valentine card for everyone in your class.
+How does this mean anything when everyone's forced to do it?
+What did I say about pointing out the meaninglessness of things?
+Not to.
+Well, no way I'm giving a valentine to Nelson. He's a bully, and I do not love him.
+Jesus says to love your enemies.
+That's because Jesus knows one day he gets to look his enemies in the eye and say: "It was me who sent you to Hell."
+Bart, your school requires you to give everyone a Valentine card in an envelope with a fun sticker. Your teacher put out an email alert... with a video attachment.
+Welcome to Firstline. Tonight: Valentine's Day: Always A Massacre." At this school, children may give valentines to whomever they choose. Danny is unpopular, due to rumors he sleeps in the raw with his ma and his pa.
+Human young are born with the ability to count valentines, and Danny realizes he's been snubbed.
+Past generations of children were used to rejection. But today's kids, raised in a climate of video games and instant messaging, are fragile weirdoes.
+On February fifteenth, two a.m., after checking the mailbox one last time, Danny nearly died from an overdose of little candy hearts.
+Many of history's monsters never received a valentine: Attila the Hun. Mao Tse Tung. And me, Will Lyman. This is Firstline.
+Fine, Nelson gets a valentine. An old one from the box.
+Perfect. Bad movie, bad pun, even bad paper stock.
+What's so funny?
+I'm watching videos of idiots wearing these glasses and not paying attention to the world around them.
+Look at these jerks.
+I don't understand what's so great about these state of the art, solar-powered, computo-glasses.
+I'll let you try them on, right after I decide if these videos are "Funny Or Die". Funny, funny, die, die, funny, funny but the guy died...
+Now, a simple Sunday drive will reveal the hidden wonders of our hometown!
+Woo-hoo!
+Springfield City Hall was built for the Spencer Tracy movie "Meet Me At City Hall". It was just a flat wall with nothing behind it for thirty years...
+Dad! Bart's on my side of the seat!
+Da-ad! Lisa's my little sister!
+The rearview mirror was invented in nineteen eleven for just this reason...
+Interesting. When was the term "shut up" invented?
+As early as eighteen fifty-nine, "shut up" was used to shut up...
+Homie, I think the kids are just hungry.
+Glasses, direct me to the nicest restaurant I can afford.
+Accessing soup kitchens...
+That's it, I'm taking you off.
+Reality!
+I'm sorry, sir.
+Okay, let's see what we've got here.
+Squeeze here. Rotate there. Pause for sweet talk. Oh glasses, you're so wonderful.
+Are you using your glasses for snuggling?!
+Where's my money?
+But the avatar looks just like you!
+I'm afraid wives don't make passes at husbands in those glasses.
+Glasses, find me a great gift for my wife. Under five dollars.
+I heard that!
+Glasses, take me two minutes back in time.
+Marge...
+About the glasses...
+I'm really sorry, and...
+Here's your breakfast.
+Only five pancakes? You're trying to kill me!
+Well, I'm not happy with you.
+Look, honey, I know these glasses are a radical new technology and should be worn in moderation. Isn't that right, glasses?
+Yes. Just like I told you.
+Anyway, I'm giving them up... ...to whoever dares take them.
+Aw, come on, Mom!
+For once I'm grabbing the goody.
+So the rumors are true: Moms can want things.
+Nicely done, Lewis... A Transformer that transforms into a heart? I LOVE IT!
+This Hershey's Kiss is melted! Not good.
+My Mom left it on the dashboard... my Mommm!
+I'll have yours now, Simpson.
+In Ga'hoole we would break his frickin' knees.
+No. No valentine for you, Nelson.
+I'll give a valentine to a loser. I'll give a valentine to a dork. I'll even give a valentine to a girl. But I won't give a valentine to a bully.
+And what if I don't?
+Simpson, there's gonna be a heart in my hand. Either paper... or yours.
+Hey, everybody!
+That's strange. I'm hearing a voice, but I'm not seeing a user icon.
+Carl, it's me! I'm here! Really here!
+Hey, Homer! A lot of information about you. Let me just page through it.
+What! No one can live in a non-augmented reality! I need another pair of glasses!
+Charlie, your move in Muppet Chess.
+Gonzo to Fozzie Seven.
+That's Kermit mate!
+Wocka wocka!
+Why is it the recipe card you need is always the one Homer writes his cocktail ideas on?
+Maybe these bleep-bloop glasses can help.
+Okay, Marge Simpson, entering the Matrix, for a brownie recipe.
+Here are my top-rated recipes.
+Ooo... So many choices, Maggie.
+Um, Mr. Burns, sir? Can I get another pair of glasses? Maybe two pair. One for the beach house. Can I also get a beach house? Two beach houses...
+Monitors?!
+What the-- Burns gave us those glasses so he could spy on us!
+This is a violation of our human rights.
+Okay, so let's see what we can see!
+Solitaire, top hats on eBay, Angry Birds fan fiction...guy doing really easy crossword puzzle...Lenny doing Carl's clown makeup.
+...someone's actually working...
+Maggie?!
+Who's mommy's little girl? Genealogy dot org says you are. You are!
+Awww... Wait a minute... since Marge is wearing my glasses, I can see everything she sees. Uh-uh, I shouldn't watch this.
+Such a good baby! You deserve some ice cream.
+Wait a minute. Marge said we were out of ice cream.
+What else is Marge hiding from me?
+Maggie, he's here!
+Is she having an affair?
+Thanks for asking me to lunch.
+Why isn't she having an affair?
+What about a valentine that says: "Bully, For You?"
+Hmm, interesting.
+Interesting means "no."
+Interesting means no... Milhouse, you're a genius!
+I am? What did I say?
+Nothing. On TV, when a guy says something lame, another guy says he's a genius, and then he has an idea. I thought it might work for me.
+Well, you called me a genius. That means a lot.
+I hate this stupid holiday! The only thing you can do is screw it up. That's it! Bart, you're a genius!
+Well if you keep throwing the word around, it means nothing.
+Who are you?!
+Mr. Burns!
+I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. I won't disturb you again.
+Marge, that's a compact-only space!
+Well, who knew you were such a rebel? Now, let's learn more about my wife's secret life. Secrets which can only be good.
+Hi Marge, Dr. Carlock is ready for you.
+Thank you.
+So Marge, how have you been?
+Okay, I guess.
+Marge is in therapy?
+I hate when I come here and the first word out of my mouth is Homer. But here we go. Again. Homer was converting our dollars to gyros... not the money, the sandwich...
+And has there been any improvement in Homer's drinking?
+Well, he's down to two beers in the shower...
+Pale ales. Please.
+Well, maybe if you just concentrate on one problem, like his temper.
+Everything in the newspaper makes him mad.
+Not Marmaduke! Never Marmaduke!
+Marmaduke was horrible today! Also, Marge is in therapy and she didn't even tell me!
+Whoa. She has crossed a line. How did you find out?
+Spied on her with a hidden camera. She thinks I'm selfish, she thinks I don't spend enough time with the kids...
+What? That's crazy! Come on, you work your butt off in a radioactive hellhole, and what do you get? Not one lousy superpower!
+I guess the only choice is to come clean and tell her what I know... and how I know.
+Whoa-ho, bad idea! No, no. Chicks do not like finding out they're being spied on. I speak from looooooooooooooooooong experience. Now, you gotta make it seem like you found out by accident there. Ooh! Next week youse schedule an appointment with the therapist, after hers, and then you "bump into" Midge in the waitin' room, there.
+Moe, that's great. How do you get your ideas?
+Pretty much all my friends are divorced guys.
+Hello, Homie! Dinner's almost ready! Pork chops with my secret seasoning!
+Yeah, you do like your secrets, don't you, Marge?
+Don't lose your cool, Homer. The building block of a marriage is long silence. Hey, where'd she go?
+Good, good, you held your tongue. Because... hey, where'd you go?
+Doesn't anybody want me to give 'em advice?
+Okay there, Fido. When you see that squirrel outside, at first, you play it cool, you understand?
+"I fear you"? This is what Valentine's Day means to you?
+This is what it means to everyone. How can you be forced to say "I love you?" People only give valentines because they're scared of what would happen if they didn't.
+Nelson, you frighten me so / The psycho-est bully I know / You're a sociopath / in need of a bath / I'm sure you'll wind up on Death Row.
+Mm, you can really smell the fear on this.
+I rubbed it on Milhouse.
+Simpson, you just touched my heart's butt!
+Why are you hugging yourself? Why are you hugging yourself?...
+If Nelson doesn't do something bully-ish in two seconds, I'm gonna wedgie him.
+Nelson doesn't wear underwear.
+Wow. Always one step ahead.
+Uh, I'm here to check in for the three o'clock.
+Please fill out these forms, Mr. Fakinami.
+That's "Fake Name."
+I'll just call you Elias.
+That's "Alias." Du-uh.
+Same time next week, Marge?
+Oh, absolutely. These sessions keep me on an even keel.
+Dr. Carlock is like my Wednesday reset button.
+Oh my God... Marge needs this. It lights her way through the dark path of marriage to me.
+Come on in, Mr. Fakinami.
+No need. Everything's fine.
+I'm sorry. But there are no cancellations within twenty-four hours.
+Well, as long as I'm paying for the time...
+Ow! Where'd you learn to cut hair, idiot?
+You know, you have some anger issues.
+Oh I forgot to tell you, Homie! I bumped into Helen Lovejoy today, and guess what?
+I don't need to know, Marge. You deserve to have your secrets.
+It's not a secret. It's a funny story.
+Okay, Marge. But first, well, I have something I need to tell you. Something I did you might be mad about, and rightly so.
+Oh, I bet my story's more interesting.
+Woo-hoo! I tried! Okay.
+Okay, so Helen Lovejoy told me that she made her famous snicker doodle Bundt cake for the church sale, and she put in salt instead of sugar!
+Yeah. And?
+That's it. That was the story.
+Where's that cake now?
+It got sold.
+Who bought it?
+Dr. Hibbert.
+Excuse me. I have to make a call.
+Don't take too long!
+Okay, Hibbert's in surgery, but they're having him paged.
+Wait, something's wrong. That's better.
+Oh dear God.
+Hi, Ralph... um, I just wanted to tell you there was a tooth in the valentine you gave me.
+Plant it and you'll grow a new Ralph!
+I don't need a new Ralph, I like the old one. Happy Valentine's Day!
+Well, better get ready for St. Patrick's!
+...And it's for all these reasons, and more, that the Kingdom of Moab is the least interesting in the Bible. Amen.
+Amen! We're done!
+Allow me to introduce our guest speaker...
+...from our ill-advised mission in Indonesia, the Rev. Kartawijaya.
+I know how you feel, young man!
+The children in my village are just like you. One boy, named Sumadi, never comes to church.
+He is always tying the monkeys' tails together and yelling "tiger is gone" when in fact the tiger is there.
+Unfortunately, Sumadi is sick now.
+What?! Sumadi has a problem?
+Sumadi... and others equally doe-eyed... need urgent medical treatment. After all, we are all just children of Allah. I mean, God. Sorry, recent convert.
+Poor Sumadi. Born in such a terrible country.
+Now wait a minute...
+But, good news. To help him we will now have a second collection.
+Wasn't our sympathetic nodding enough?
+Mom, can I have some money?
+I'm sorry, honey. I'm all out. I spent all I had lighting that candle for Great Aunt Betty.
+I hope that wasn't somebody's Aunt Betty or something.
+Dad? Please? For Sumadi?
+Sorry son, I only have twenties. And if God needs money, why doesn't he just write another Bible? The first one sold pretty well.
+Does anyone remember when it was considered rude to talk in church?
+Pipe down, Ned.
+Please!
+All right, son... but you have to pay me back.
+Life is good.
+Do you have my money?
+Do you have my money?
+How could I?
+Right, right, too soon. Do you have my money?
+Seriously, do you have my money?
+Where's my money?
+Where's... my... mon... ey?
+It's been a rough patch, man. Hope you got something to cheer me up.
+Well, there is one fun fact I've been saving for an emergency situation. Did you know there really was a Duncan Hines?
+Where's my money? Do you have my money? Where is it? You know, if you had the money, I'm right here. Do you have the money?
+Homer, quit badgering the boy.
+Pressure's how you make your beloved diamonds, Marge.
+I don't have any diamonds.
+Quit pressuring me!
+Money, money. I need money!
+Would you eat anything for money?
+I guess. Who are you?
+School play. "Damn Yankees."
+Children of the playground! I will eat anything for money! Except money!
+I'll give you a quarter if you eat my gum.
+I'll give you another if you eat mine!
+Here's some orthodontic wax!
+And thome thinnamon!
+St. John's Wort!
+And here's something that'll make you forget about the other stuff.
+Ay carumba. So, what else ya got?
+All right, Simpson. Twenty big ones says you're not messed-up enough to eat... this!
+No Bart, no. Do it and you'll always be known as the kid who ate the dead frog.
+Where's my money! Get my money! Money-money-money-money-money...
+Easiest money I ever...
+I like the lack of attention. Especially in here.
+Son, by rights I should be playing banjo at your funeral. That frog was filled to the gills with formaldehyde, a highly toxic poison.
+Here's your money, dad.
+What? Did you owe me some money?
+And Homer, here's your bill for four thousand dollars.
+Where's my money? You got my money? Where's my money? Seriously, where's my money?
+Ew! It's the kid who ate the dead frog.
+Herbivore!
+That's someone who eats plants.
+I named the frog Herb!
+Even you won't sit with me?
+Bart, if you sit here, I'll be the boy who sat next to the boy who ate the frog. And I'm already the boy who shared a comb with a boy who threw up on the boy who wet his pants at the winter carnival. P.S. I would've given you the money.
+What's the matter? Frog in your throat?
+You're the ones that paid me to eat it.
+All we hear is ribbit, ribbit!
+You said this was a simple bullying job!
+Diggs and Freedom, at your service. Diggs is short for Digby.
+Thanks. I'm the kid that ate the frog.
+Oh, so you're the reason I had to dissect a Muppet in biology today.
+Thanks for the help, man.
+Oh, you're welcome. At least, from me. There's no way to say what the bird thinks, or even if he thinks, really.
+Wait! Wait! Wait! Who the hell are you?
+I transferred here a few months ago.
+To this school? On purpose? Even after Springfield Montessori opened across the street?
+That place is really in your face.
+This school has a falconry club? No way.
+I resuscitated it.
+I'm president, secretary-treasurer, and faculty adviser. That took a lot of fancy paperwork but it was worth it to be left alone.
+Can I join?
+Hmm, I'll have to check with Freedom.
+Habemus Papam! We have a poop! It's white! You're in!
+Looks like the falconry club's back from the dead!
+Can the Esperanto Society be far behind? I mean... Ĉu la Esperanto-Societo esti multe malantaŭ?
+Two languages and somehow no one will talk to you.
+Ĝi estas vera. Mi tre soleca.
+The first thing to learn about falcons is how beautiful they are in flight.
+Don't fret, he'll be back.
+There's my Sky Gramma!
+Bart's usually first in line for Taco night, but now he's "muy tarde." Is it all right to say "tarde?"
+Hey, you've said it twice, Marge. You're in pretty deep.
+Ten minute rule.
+What? A rule's a rule.
+There he is!
+He is just riding that thermal.
+You were right about watching him fly.
+I thought you'd get it. Seat-backs and tray tables, Bart. We're coming in for a landing!
+Wow. You don't know how impressive that is to a boy whose dad can't even get the dog to sit.
+Sit. Sit. Sit! Sit! SIT!!!
+I don't know what that is, but it's not sitting!
+Where could Bart be?
+Hey, I'm not flying anywhere with this broken wing.
+I saw him heading across the field after school with a kid a little bit older and undoubtedly wiser.
+Oh, I know what that means. There comes a time when a boy sneaks his first beer. Finally! I was beginning to think that kid was a teetotaler.
+Bart Simpson, at your service.
+More like "at your six-pack," am I right? It's okay if you need to take a little nap.
+Why would I want a nap?
+Because you're so drunk you can barely keep it together!
+I wasn't drinking. I was learning that nature isn't a complete waste of space.
+That doesn't sound like you.
+But it does sound like the kind of lie you'd make up after the first time you got blitzed.
+I met this kid. A little older, kind of strange. I don't think other people get him, but I just wanna hang out with him all the time.
+It's even better than I thought... you've found your Moe Szyslak! In just a few short years you'll be getting your version of baked on your version of pot listening to your version of Journey.
+What's he doing?
+Now when he lands, you'll feed him, so he has positive associations with you.
+Don't worry. He's only bitten off one of my fingers.
+Just goofing on you. This is the finger he bit off.
+If he starts to carry you off, slip out of the glove. Now tell him to fly.
+Fly! Fly! C'mon, man! Do the wing thing!
+I did it! He did it! We did it!
+Yes, Bart, that is how you conjugate the verb "to do." Well done.
+Hey! Bring back my bling!
+Give that back! All I've got is a hole in my face!
+Uncle Krusty's back!
+Whoa! Did you teach him to do that?
+I get it. It sucks. Really sucks.
+Nobody could communicate that -- except maybe Gerard Manley Hopkins:
+"I caught this morning morning's minion, kingdom of daylight's dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding / Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding / High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing!"
+I've already eaten.
+Hey, you want to see something really cool?
+Is a falcon's training leash called a creance? Yes!
+Say something so I'll know you're not hurt.
+I'm really hurt.
+Bartholomew! Good to see you, old sport. Where's Freedom?
+Well... my Dad said don't bring home anymore dogs, cats, turtles or snakes, but he never said anything about predatory birds.
+Okay. In your terms, points are like mice.
+Don't interrupt! I just thought it would be nice if we shared an interest.
+You Korean girls know what a soldier likes.
+Fine! But the game is much more enjoyable if you understand it.
+Look, the Eagles and the Falcons. Tell me you're not interested in that.
+I could fly too if I didn't have a wife and three kids!
+Hey, you've had a lot of visitors.
+No, I signed them myself. They're people I would've liked to come visit.
+Listen... what happened in that tree?
+Um... you want the truth? Of course you do. You're like Diogenes, but with slingshot in place of lamp.
+I wanted to fly.
+I know it sounds a little crazy now, but I suddenly thought maybe we can all fly, but somehow we've forgotten that we can.
+You don't still think that, do you?
+Bart, here's another doctor that would like a few words with this young man.
+This hospital has another doctor?
+So they're transferring him to another hospital.
+Well, I hope he gets out soon and takes his bird back. I don't care for how it circles the cat.
+He's just riding the thermals from Dad's butt.
+At least someone in this family is using them.
+I never heard of this new hospital so I looked it up and printed it out.
+Can I visit him tomorrow?
+I don't know Bart. This is one of those... Arkham Asylum-type hospitals.
+Diggs isn't cuckoo!
+Uh, listen, boy... maybe you should spend more time with your old best friend. You know, Dweebler.
+Milhouse abandoned me.
+So, why can't I go there?
+Bart, if this is what I think it is, it's not a place we should ever, ever take a little boy.
+Then why is Diggs there?
+Because it's his home forever.
+You know, Bart, just because Diggs is a little different doesn't mean he's not a good person.
+What would you know about friends like Diggs?
+I have about eight of them.
+So how do we fix him?
+Oh, Bart... Diggs' problems don't have easy fixes.
+What kind of cheer-up talk is this?
+Well... sometimes it helps to know people feel for you. Want a hug?
+You hug the bedpost. Then I hug the bedpost. That way we never hug each other.
+Hey, Simpson. I heard bird boy got a new cage -- one with rubber bars.
+Yeah, and a rubber perch!
+Yeah, yeah, and a...
+...rubber birdfeeder.
+Making fun of the mentally ill. Real classy.
+But you guys were...
+We were what, Captain Sensitive?
+The rumors of my bonkertude have been greatly exaggerated. D.S.M. Five indicates paranoid schizophrenia. But that work is mired in controversy. Mired.
+I knew you'd escape! Were you carried out by a flock of falcons?
+I got a one-day pass.
+Were falcons involved in any way?
+I obtained the pass to enter the Springfield Falconry Contest, which is what Freedom and I were training for when we first met you.
+Great. Before anything else, let me just get closer to the door and say "how crazy are you"?
+I'm fine. My meds won't wear off till tonight. Then I'll have Freedom tear you to shreds.
+No offense, but when a crazy guy pretends to be crazy, it's not funny.
+You're discounting all talk radio.
+Excellent.
+Fly my pet! Fly! Yes! Yes, now back to papa! Yes.
+Why am I not surprised the only sport you do is one where a bird brings you food?
+A falcon's greatest joy is to serve its master.
+Once again I must point out you are not a parrot.
+Fatso! Fatso! Pees in the shower!
+Shut up!
+What are you doing?
+We're up next. When Freedom hits the air, you and I open all the cages.
+Um... with our minds?
+No! With this rope! I'm a messed-up kid, I'm not Magneto.
+Diggs and Freedom!
+"In his ecstasy! Then off, off forth on swing!"
+Where's my bird going?!
+Wherever he wants. He's free now.
+If you see the stork what brings us babies, kill it!
+Now Bart, I'm afraid one-day passes don't last forever. And I'm probably not going to get another one for quite a while.
+Wait. When will I see you? You can't quit the falconry club!
+It's all yours, Mr. President.
+Well, I guess some delicate birds are safer in a cage.
+I had thought of it as a therapeutic milieu, but now "cage" is stuck in my head, so thanks. And thanks for being my friend.
+Bart, when I pushed you away, I was really pushing away the thought of losing you.
+How long did it take you to think that up?
+Two hours with the therapist.
+I'll take that.
+She came in on a Saturday. Missed her kid's karate demonstration. He was goin' up a belt.
+Enough!
+Mom, you didn't cook the falcon?!
+Of course not. It's just duck.
+Awww...
+Pass the peas, please.
+Neptune. Eighth planet from the sun. A mystery now, we hope to have close-up photos from Voyager Two in Nineteen eighty-nine.
+We do have them! They're my home screen! Miss Hoover! Once again, the lesson plan I prepared would've covered this topic much better, but I can see...
+Miss Hoover?
+It's Tuesday, Lisa. Taco Tuesday.
+Taco Tuesday! Taco Tuesday!
+Taco Tuesday! Taco Tuesday!
+Oh no! I'm about to become another moppin' statistic!
+There's only room for one of us, Ethel.
+Bart, that's your sixth taco. You know, Whitman says, "If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred".
+Fascinating.
+Congratulations, boys, you made it through another Taco Tuesday. Back in the bucket till next week.
+Won't those vegetables go bad?
+Nope. They're genetically modified to stay fresh. Just don't ask how old the Jell-O is.
+Overreactor dot org warns that over half of the vegetables sold in this country are "Genetically Modified Organisms," whose effect on humans is... unknown!
+Whoa! Mom, you made me over-swipe!
+Your parent's credit card has been charged twenty dollars!
+I have to get to the church. Helen Lovejoy is posting the spring volunteer signup sheet. In five minutes, every good task will be taken! Dang it!
+Jasper Beardley! You'll never make it!
+What the hell is this thing?
+Bake sale -- taken... candle snuffing -- taken... baby shusher, miscellaneous choir support -- everything's taken! All that's left is...
+Teen abstinence counseling! You get to pass out abstinence pledges and make sure the kids sign their John Han-bleeps.
+But Ned, saying nay is your thing.
+Not this month! Edna signed us up for a tango class. It was the only way I could avert wine tasting.
+Look, I'm really not comfortable talking about S-E-X with K-I-D-S.
+Language!
+Mom... can I visit Bob?
+Oh, it's not that hard. Just tell them that God wants them to ignore everything in their bodies that God is making happen.
+We took the pledge!
+We won't have sex until we're married.
+To each other.
+Their skipping lessons are really payin' off!
+Hello. Hello. I'm-I'm Marge Simpson. And I'm here to talk about a-a-a wonderful, beautiful thing--
+Speaking of beautiful things, tongue me, babe.
+How many of you are here for the free cookies, because we've discontinued that.
+One of our brightest and most meddlesome students called this meeting... somehow... to discuss an urgent menu matter. Lisa?
+Our school cafeteria is serving G.M.O.s -- genetically-modified organisms.
+And now in order to thoroughly explore the issue, I'd like to play the first video that came up in my web browser when I typed in "G.M.O." plus "danger" plus "question mark".
+Hear-hear!
+If there's one thing scientists love it's money. Money, money, money! And that's been true of scientists ever since caveman times.
+We need look no further back than the ancient Mayans, who cross-bred plants and animals in an unholy experiment in what is now a resort that charges thirty dollars a night to valet park.
+Once you're there, they've gotcha.
+The Mayans didn't listen... to themselves.
+Yet, today, we toy with our fate by using retroviruses to create these so-called "super foods". Are we doomed to repeat an event that destroyed all human life? The answer is in your mouth.
+Um... that video seemed a little... unscientific.
+My name is Jenny McCarthy, and I endorse this tirade.
+Oh my God! It's worse than I thought. Everybody wait here while I do some actual research. Nobody form any opinions while I'm gone.
+Well, hurry! We have no minds of our own!
+I say we do not categorically ban genetically modified organisms.
+Well, G.M.O.s are resistant to pests, disease, and drought. It's just possible that G.M.O.s can actually end world hunger!
+I say let's get these G.M.O.s inside our children! Pronto!
+Way ahead of you!
+I'm eating the food of the future. Beep, boop. What is... love? Boop, beep, boop.
+Lisa, I'd like to thank you for mollifying these land apes. We'd like you and your family to visit us at the Monsarno research campus.
+Ooh, campus! Do you have a statue of the founder I can stick a funny hat on?
+Go! Go! Go!
+Simpsons, we're trying to change the world, one molecule at a time.
+Sounds like that would take a while.
+Oh, you're right. Everyone, three molecules at a time.
+I'll be home late, honey. Yeah, three molecules now.
+Well, it's nice to see for once a corporation that does good work and cares about people.
+Yes, Lisa, we've finally put to bed the silly notion that our company is in any way evil. Now, say hello to our Chief Scientist!
+Sideshow Bob!
+Doctor Sideshow Bob.
+Real doctor or PhD?
+All right. I'll leave you and Bob in this locked room to get reacquainted.
+Simpsons, there's no need for alarm.
+That's not for you to suck!
+Now, where was I? Right, no need to worry. I'm still technically shawshanking it at Springfield Penitentiary.
+This is getting boring. Either murder us or tell us how you got here.
+Very well.
+The inanity of the vanity license plate puns was slowly driving me mad.
+So when Monsarno Labs asked for experimental subjects, I gladly volunteered.
+My job was to make sure the experiments wouldn't be too painful for the test monkeys.
+I don't know what we're doin' here. We'll pick it up after lunch.
+I wrote up my results and went from subject to scientist.
+Look at me! I'm Sideshow Bob!
+Sideshow Bob!
+Foolish boy! That's phosphoric acid!
+A mere sip would've dissolved a hole in your stomach the size of a silver dollar!
+Yakety, yakety, yak.
+"The spotted hawk accuses me, he complains of my gab."
+"I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable"... Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass".
+Very good. Lisa, you always were the one rose petal floating atop the cesspool that is the Simpsons.
+/ That's mean.
+If you're done, our chief scientist has to get back to work. Our corn on the cob has become self-aware.
+Wait! Wait! Won't you visit me again? Let me show you I really am trying to make a better world. Lisa, we can talk Walt Whitman... And Homer, I think you'd enjoy the company of the campus's lazy overfed squirrels.
+"Overfed?" I don't know this word.
+Visit me, Lisa. We can discuss poetry, fine art, and if we must, jazz.
+Why would you want to do that? He's tried to kill us.
+You. He's tried to kill you. Me, I think he likes.
+And I refuse to concede a mind that thinks so much like mine can be all bad. Mom?
+Don't you think the parts that aren't evil are a little pretentious?
+Absolutely. We're talking about Lisa, right?
+Shut up!
+You shut up!
+This is the pinnacle of conversation around here.
+Fine. I'll take you. They have this cool psych class at the campus I sat in on.
+That was a sexual harassment seminar!
+It doesn't matter. I'm taking it pass-fail.
+Blowing off steam in the crafts room, Marge?
+No! I'm not giving up on reaching those kids, and I might just have a secret weapon.
+Mm hmm. Is it finger puppets?
+Well, we haven't had finger puppets in this church since Reverend Brogan was arrested.
+But I suppose enough time has passed.
+And that's why Nancy No is the most popular girl in Promiseville High.
+I prefer the modern thinking of Yolanda Yes.
+And I think I'd have a shot with Mabel Maybe.
+I am so tired of those kids sniggering.
+Uh-oh. It's Horndog Hank. Well, Nancy knows how to keep him away.
+Darn it, they're stuck.
+Um, can I take one of those girl puppets home? I won't do nothin' to it.
+YOU SAY MODIFIED TO-MAY-TO / I SAY MODIFIED TO-MAH-TO...
+I SAY ENGINEERED PO-TAY-TO / YOU SAY ENGINEERED PO-TAH-TO... POTATO!
+POTAHTO!
+TOMATO!
+TOMAHTO!
+LET'S SPLICE SOME D.N.A.!
+That is my first non-evil laugh in years.
+Bob, there's one thing I've gotta know: are you plotting revenge?
+I don't plot revenge anymore. It's like love: if it happens, it happens. Now, how 'bout those s'mores?
+You already ate all the chocolate bars.
+That's why I've got to get the marshmallows down fast.
+I like how they cut them down from a hundred and forty characters to a more manageable twenty characters.
+Another seminar tomorrow. I just wish I could connect with those teenagers, since it seems like we'll never have any.
+Marge, teens can't control their urges. It's why there's never been a teenage President.
+Are you saying I'm wasting my time?
+No. I'm saying you're wasting everyone's time. But it's a church thing, so that's a given.
+Well then maybe I need to give those kids a better example. Goodnight!
+Shut your eyes, they're too bright.
+Kids, today we have a very special guest -- my husband.
+I brought Homer here to show that we can, and have, abstained for two whole days.
+Two days? That's all?
+That means, three days ago... the two of you... made the blob with two backs!
+Listen, you punks. If you can't handle the image of our naked bodies in the tender act of a-oo-ga, you should never have come to the basement of this holy place.
+He's touching her!
+What the--
+They're practically doin' it here!
+I'll sign the pledge! Just get your fat heaving buttocks out of my head!
+All right, Bob. You've created five thousand patents so one hour of freedom. But remember, your every move will be watched by these unarmed docents.
+That block's gonna need its own ticket.
+I have a family membership.
+Well, if that's your kid, kiss it.
+What next? Proto-Cubists? The Pointillists? The alleged "Art of Itchy and Scratchy?"
+I like the Impressionists.
+The boy bands of the art world. But for you, Lisa, I shall face the Renoir with sangfroid.
+Warmer. Calder. Warmer. Warmer. Calder. Calder. Calder.
+That's using your three hundred thousand dollar M.F.A.
+To the Calder mobile!
+Bob! You saved me! But how did you get the strength? Calder's work in this period was marked by heavy use of sheet metal painted to look deceptively airy.
+Well put.
+Thank you. Answer the question.
+Well... there is something I should have told you. You see, it occurred to me that if I can genetically modify fruits and vegetables, why can't I modify... me!
+You've been changing your DNA?!
+At first, just a peptide here and there. Carrot for my presbyopia, brahma bull for strength... And a touch of corn for highlights on my hair.
+So... how strong are you?
+Figurines! Get your porcelain figurines!
+Now how 'bout those impressionists?
+But... but we sang Gershwin together!
+Well rhapsody in boo-hoo. Do you know why we came to the museum today?
+Well, I thought it was because it was Tote Bag day.
+Well that was part of it!
+But the biggest part was that!
+Washington's backbone... Einstein's eyebrows... Florence Nightingale's tenacity, though I'll have to clip around her moral fiber.
+You're going to take DNA from these historical figures and add it to your own?
+I shall be the wisest and strongest maniac ever to bring the blessings of dictatorship to the world!
+Jig's up, Bob!
+Return the spear to the homo erectus. Homo erectus? Where has that word been all my life?
+Now Bart, I promised I wouldn't hurt you.
+You did that for me?
+More for mom, but yes.
+But beware, I have DNA in me from Ophiocordyceps Unilateralis, better known as "zombie ant fungus"!
+And we're scared of that because...?
+What I am saying is I could be tipped into a murderous rage by the slightest provocation.
+Could you take a picture of me with my family?
+Would you take another for safety?
+Oh, I think my eyes were shut in that one.
+Now can you take one with my husband's camera?
+They're all ugly because you're in them!
+Taste Praxiteles of Athens!
+Uh, Chief, we got a report of a disturbance at the Met.
+We've got bigger problems, Lou: horny teens who should be out having bad sex, but instead somebody made them take an abstinence pledge by the looks of it.
+I don't get it. There are taboos about premarital sex in the Middle East, and you don't see those people getting all violent.
+You can't escape me, I've got grasshopper thighs and the sonar of a killer whale!
+Uh... Bob, you can't kill us without a little singing, right?
+A little singing? If there's one thing he did not have to genetically enhance, it's his voice.
+NON PIÙ ANDRAI, FARFALLONE AMOROSO...
+How dare you torture my children with Mozart!
+Ahh, you know Mozart?
+I call all music Mozart!
+We're here to stop you -- with the help of the teenage abstinence class!
+If you defeat this madman, I'll release you from your pledge and teach you other fun ways not to get pregnant.
+I think I might be pregnant already.
+Well, that's one of them!
+Python jaw... unhinge!
+I don't wanna die in some old dude's mouth!
+Bob, would ya look at yourself?
+To quote Whitman: "This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, stand up for the stupid and crazy..."
+Who am I kidding? My only exit... is a final one.
+What? No!
+Farewell, Simpsons. And Lisa, when you're older, write an autobiographical novel trashing the rest of them.
+How veiled?
+Thinly!
+Now don't worry. Your friend will always be part of our drinking water.
+Oh right, I gave myself gills.
+I told you, the only dancing I like is "square."
+Hey, I let you pay for those boys' "skipping lessons."
+Ned! Ha!
+Sure do miss that laugh.
+Haw haw!
+I miss her too.
+Oh, urgent notice.
+If it's not final, who cares?
+Don-key!
+If it's important, they'll call back.
+Mom! Dad! The Retirement Home lost its license and Grampa has nowhere to live!
+That man can't remember anything except our number!
+Get in the car, dad.
+You do know I'm a doctor now.
+Yeah! M.D.! Major Dummy!
+Grampa, what happened?
+This place is unlivable.
+My contract clearly promised "barely livable"!
+Yeah, well, we're closin' down Codger Stadium here until they fix up their violations. And there are a lot of 'em.
+Mannequin nurses.
+Like I said, a lotta violations.
+Oh... I guess Grampa's coming home with us. Unless... what about that nice dog boarding place? The really good one, where they each have their own dog "partner."
+No kennels!
+You're right. Bad idea, bad idea... Should we just, y'know... drive by and take a look at the place? Bad idea, bad.
+When are your relatives going to be here?
+Can I be honest with you? They're not.
+We're all alone in this world.
+All I have left is a phone message from my late wife.
+Pick up the phone, big shot! I know you're there!
+You're both coming home with us!
+Ya mean it?!
+Just let me say goodbye to my girlfriend.
+Don't get fat!
+Honey, Grampa is the closest thing I have to a father and I love him. But three octogenocerouses?
+Homie, Homie, we'll be old someday.
+Speak for yourself. Glug-glug-glug. Chomp-chomp-chomp. Beeeeep. My lifestyle is my retirement plan.
+And don't forget my ripple!
+Without ripple, I never would have had you! Ripple's your real daddy!
+This is gonna be a swell flophouse, sister. So... where should we park our pills?
+What pills?
+Don't worry, Marge. It's childproof.
+Homer, how are we doing with those cots?
+Uh... c'mon, boy. Your job is to guide me.
+Well... I really think you should watch your temper.
+I mean down the stairs, you stupid kid!
+"Stupid kid." Do you really think that's the way we should communicate?
+You just wanna see your old man trip and fall! Well, sorry to disappoint you, lad, but, what the--
+Not what I was hoping for, but it'll do.
+Okay, boys, shower up. And I'd better hear some towels snapping!
+Muntz! What is wrong with you? Now, you get undressed in front of everyone who's staring at you!
+Is that women's underwear?
+My mom can't afford to buy me clothes, so I wear her hand-me-downs!
+Muntz! There's a kind of poverty that toughens you up! But this is sad.
+Hey! Leave him alone. I too know the pain of hand-me-down underwear.
+That's alright, enough about that. Did the clock ever get wound?
+My dad buys the underpants gorillas wear during monkey shows. So if you're gonna laugh at Nelson, laugh at me too.
+Simpson, I won't forget this. From now on, you and I are as tight as whiteys.
+I've had it up to here with those freeloading wrinkle bags. They pee all night, they cry all day and every time they use the computer the font is huge!
+Dad, did it ever occur to you that we're learning how to take care of you when you're older by watching the way you treat Grampa?
+Have you seen how he treats my Grampa? Never visits him. Never even acknowledges his existence.
+Your Grampa's alive?
+Oh yeah!
+O-kay. Well, can you please be nicer to our Grampa? For me? I love Grampa. You may not realize it, but he's a treasure.
+Keep it down in there, you jabbermouths! I'm trying to watch C-SPAN Two!
+Please.
+Okay. You know, I love him too. In a manly way that never shows itself.
+Now we'll need three hearing aid batteries -- all different and hard to get.
+And this has to be in the fridge, next to the butter. And the butter has to be open.
+Oh... I'll see what I can do.
+I can handle them from now on, Marge.
+Gentlemen, I've been thinking. My glorious youth and beauty won't last forever. Someday, when the leaves have turned, and the moon has broken apart into chunks of floating cheese, I will be old.
+What's your point, pound cake?
+I'm hoping we can find a way to coexist.
+What did he say?
+He wants us to see if ghosts exist.
+Ooh... they do. My uncle Bill is here right now. Oh, Bill, Bill, I'm so sorry I wasn't a very good ladder holder.
+This can only be good.
+This family has had a lot of hoods put over their heads.
+Chief, something about that looks fishy.
+Lou, you've got a suspicious mind, you know? You remind me of that Elvis song. Uh, "Clambake." You know, 'cause you open your yap when things get hot. Clambake.
+Where am I?
+Now, enter the stolen bicycle graveyard.
+We've decided to make you an honorary bully.
+Bestow upon him the necklace of unknown retainers.
+Um... thanks, but I'm not sure I want to be a bully.
+It's too late. You've seen our faces.
+Wow, never had breakfast at six in the morning before.
+I love yakkin' at the manager while he's trying to unlock the door.
+Now we'll talk about dead people you never met while we get a little exercise!
+Oh, when does the exercise start?
+This is it.
+Yeah, we're mall walking.
+Oh my God! This counts as exercise? I'm barely moving and I'm smelling Cinnebun. Sometimes you have to wait till you're thirty-eight to discover who you really are. I'm a seventy-nine-year-old man!
+Son, welcome to the club.
+Now say something pathetic.
+Uh, okay! Um... I can't.
+That's my boy.
+What letter?
+What number?
+Twenty-five!
+What game?
+Dammit!
+Who's the icebox pie, Abe? Your younger brother?
+My son, but he's taken.
+Well, I'm not surprised -- the way he tears into corn on the cob.
+Now Mildred, he's a married man! You can't see the ring because his finger's too fat!
+Join the party, Abe. There's plenty of room in my bed... once they take the railings down.
+I said beat it... for the time being!
+Now Homer, you stay away from those red door hoochies. They're just trying to get a chicken dinner outta ya.
+Well, thanks for the chicken dinner. How did you know I wanted one?
+All you gals like chicken dinners, Marge.
+Don't call me a gal. Makes me feel like I'm your mother.
+Better turn up the heat.
+It's eighty-two degrees!
+Are you wearing sock garters?
+Young lady, in my day...
+Your day is my day! We're the same age! You're turning into your father!
+You won't feel so bolloxed once my social security checks start coming.
+They're not coming for another twenty-nine years! Did your earlobes get longer?
+Falsies.
+Whoa! A tweet from Chester!
+Who's Chester?
+"Who's Chester?" Just the most legendary bully of all.
+They say he once wedgied a kid in half.
+Whoa...
+He's calling a bully summit for next Saturday night.
+Hey, isn't that the same night the U.S. Figure Skating finals are?
+They've been promoting it like hell!
+Excuse us, we're looking for owls.
+Screech or hoot?
+Either one's fine.
+That was an order!
+Screech! Screech! /
+Where's the Lord of the Fries?
+Actually, Homer got up early to count and sort pills. Then he called the police when a Frisbee landed on our lawn. Then he went to the drugstore for an egg cream, but he only brought a nickel.
+I didn't mind that he grew bald... I didn't mind that he got fat... I didn't mind that he got fatter. But no one told me he'd get older than me.
+Say it, honey. You're no longer attracted to him.
+It's on tonight. And everyone who ever took anyone's lunch money is there.
+All you boppers going to the park tonight make sure you're not packing.
+We don't want any "accidents."
+Ay carumba.
+How'd you babies get here?
+Did your mommy bring you?
+Nelson!
+I might have to move the trailer house while you're gone! Look for me downhill! I ain't got much gas!
+Smell ya later.
+Hey, my old Weasels. How's Shelbyville Elementary?
+Not bad. Not bad.
+We've ruined picture day three years in a row.
+Ches-ter! Ches-ter! Ches-ter!
+They say the day of the bully is over. Popular music condemns us. Documentary filmmakers expose our craft. And cyber bullying has taken away the warmth of human contact. But I say to you the day of the bully has just begun!
+Can you dig it?
+Hey, why are you doing this?
+'Cause I don't wanna sit around like Prince Charles waiting for the Queen to die.
+Can you dig it?
+I can totally dig it!
+Chester's been shot!
+This kid did it! His sling is still warm!
+Get that boy! And his friend, the kid with the ladies underpants.
+How does everyone know?
+To all you boppers out there, be on the lookout for a sling-daddy who took down our main man Chester. This is KBLY, your source for bully news, weather and sports. One hundred percent supported by money taken from nerds.
+I can't believe you did that, Bart. I don't even want to sit on the same side of this car with you. I'm just doin' it for balance.
+I didn't shoot him!
+Oh yeah? Well, why'd you bring your slingshot?
+I don't know. I feel naked without it.
+Yeah, I get that. That's how I feel about my eyebrow ring.
+The only way back to Springfield is on the subway. Past everyone else's territory. We'll just have to wait it out here until...
+We're gonna have to jump for it!
+Noooo! I lost my flip-flop!
+Just keep moving!
+Oh. Well, well, well. Looks like youse and me may be up here for a while, eh? Yeah.
+Dammit! I just had to get her parkour lessons for her birthday.
+You'll have to get past the S.A.T. Preppers.
+Seven-ninety assault, seven-eighty battery.
+I didn't say to begin!
+Word on the street is that the S.A.T. Preppers failed the test. The Springfield bullies are still at large.
+That's right, yeah. So, uh, give yourselves up. Um, if I put on the radio, can I hear myself?
+Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow, that's-that's-that's crazy-crazy. Woo-woo-woo. Hello-hello Lou-Lou!
+I only have pennies! One-a, two-a.
+For Springfield!
+Save yourselllves!
+Today we are all Nelson Muntz.
+Haw-haw.
+Springfield. We're safe.
+I'm gonna kiss the ground.
+Lo-ser! You're gay for the ground.
+Well you're gay for homophobia.
+Wow. You just made me gay for tolerance.
+Bul-lies come out to play-ay! / Bul-lies come out to play-ay!
+Oh no! He's got three bottles!
+CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK...
+I know a place that serves an early early bird breakfast. Steak and eggs for fifty cents. And it was forty years ago.
+Oh my God! I know that kid! We've gotta help him!
+I'd love to, but I'm sure that it's some sort of a holiday for me.
+Fine. Your generation did its part when it won World War Two and created the Rockford Files. I've got this one.
+Oh, it is so hard running in sand.
+No. No. I can't be old yet. I won't let the ravages of time catch up with me till I'm fifty-two!
+I'm coming at you with all the power of a reverse mortgage!
+Ow! Ow! No! I've never really been in a fight!
+Now let's go home, son.
+How did I get here?!
+Ooh, what's your hurry?
+We've got ten minutes between the kids falling asleep and the old guys waking up.
+Go! Go! Go!
+I hear smoothin'!
+"Lisa" "wants" "a" "dot dot dot"...
+Guinea pig?
+Our boat painting!
+Hey Homer, did you know that guinea pigs are self-groomers?
+And when they get excited they jump straight up -- it's called popcorning!
+Lisa got to you. I don't know how, but she got to you.
+Emojis. Now she's gone too far.
+Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about all this hinting.
+I've never had a pet of my very own! My clock is ticking! I don't wanna be one of those girls who waits till she's sixteen to decide if she's ready, and then it's too late.
+Well, we've talked about it, and if you really want a guinea pig, you'll have to sign this contract.
+"I, Lisa Simpson, hereby promise to take full responsibility for this dog, cat, other.
+Circle "other."
+"This includes feeding; bathing; cleaning of droppings and barfings; and, when the time comes, burying or flushing."
+Boilerplate, boilerplate, boilerplate... we can skip all this litter box stuff... if pet becomes internet superstar, all rights revert to father... Sign here, here, initial here, one more over here, and... done.
+Oh, my God -- I'm getting a guinea pig! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!
+The kid-parent contract -- unenforceable, yet you feel like you didn't completely cave.
+You're doing the right thing adopting a rescue pig. You know, most of these guys are rejects from the big guinea-pig mills in the Midwest. Oh, I can't tell you how many mill pigs we get here who have bumblefoot or the slobbers.
+You don't have children, do you?
+This one whistled at me!
+Ooo, that could be the one.
+Oh, but that orange guy looks like a pumpkin! But this fella is so fuzzy!
+Well, they all have their charms...
+I'm sorry, Mom.
+I'm sorry, Mr. S. I cracked!
+This one's nibbling a sunflower seed! Look at that hair -- Oh, I just wanna comb it forever! Have you seen a pinker nose? I have now!
+Lisa! You've just gotta choose one. Lisa!?
+She's gone, honey. She's gone.
+That one's fur looks like a tuxedo! A Band-Aid on its tail, awww! Albino!
+I'm definitely getting this one. Oh, but I forgot about this one! Oh my God I never even saw this one!
+Maybe I should get that sick one. If I don't, no one else will. Bart, list your top five, best to worst. No, no, no, no -- worst to best!
+I just wish the grey one had the brown one's personality!
+Dad, give me your phone. I need to look at the pictures again!
+Okay, this is the guinea pig that will make me happy.
+She thinks she's decided. Don't say a thing. Don't blow this!
+Okay now, you sure you only want just one? They tend to do better in pairs.
+I could get two...?
+Fighting Tweakers rule!
+I've tried to give Pokey a perfect replica of his natural habitat:
+Peruvian feather grass, an Incan sleeping mat, and a portrait of Marisol Espinoza, the Vice President of Peru.
+Are you sure you didn't create a perfect habitat for you?
+I wish I could live in there.
+Well there's plenty of room... because Pokey's gone.
+Where'd he go?
+This looks like a job for... fireplace tongs.
+Nooooo!
+Oh my God, he's in the walls!
+I hear chewing!
+No, that's a much bigger animal.
+Kettle corn... the heroin of the farmer's market.
+I've lost my guinea pig!
+That's okay sweetheart. Your pig thingy didn't mean it. It's just... it felt comforting to know that while we watched TV, there was art going on behind us.
+Well, I guess we have to go to an art gallery and buy a new painting.
+Sure we could go to a fancy gallery and spend a bunch of money. Or...
+Milhouse played the violin for years until it turned out the vibrations were screwing up his bones.
+Yeah, these seem great. Oh, too bad someone used cello rosin.
+Oh my gosh, that's beautiful! I've never seen a painting with a lighthouse before.
+Oh that, that was on the wall of Kirk's bachelor pad, back when we were separated.
+Yeah, it's a great piece. I didn't have a mirror so I shaved in the reflection of the chrome frame.
+This could be our new living room painting!
+I don't know. How 'bout this poster of a really rockin' jukebox?
+You know it's rockin' 'cause music notes are coming out of it.
+Painting's only twenty bucks.
+Oh please, Homie...
+I'll throw in the tiny violins...
+Oh, it looks great!
+Well, to me, it looks like... garbage salad, but that's the great thing about art: everyone can have their own opinion about why it sucks.
+I've got to get rid of this ugly chrome frame from Kirk's bachelor bad. I hate to think of the things this mirror has reflected.
+Hey, look... there's a signature that the frame covered up: "Johan Oldenveldt."
+Here he is! "Johan Oldenveldt, painter, lived in Amsterdam, Paris... prolific early 20th century naturalist... I think this was painted by someone famous. Maybe it's valuable.
+We should have it appraised!
+You guys are crazy. I've never even heard of that guy. It's not like it was painted by Leonardo Da Vinci Code.
+Now, ere's what makes art valuable: 1. Nudity. 2. Holograms. 3. Something terrible happening to Jesus.
+Ah yes, seascape... marvelous natural light... classic use of gouache... You're right. This is an early-career Oldenveldt. Quite valuable.
+Oh my God!
+I expect it to go somewhere between eighty to one hundred thousand dollars.
+Nobody touch it! Bart, stop looking at it!
+But I want to see it!
+No, you'll wear it out!
+Baby, you saw something in this painting, and you were right.
+Wow, the Van Houtens owned this for years and never knew how much it was worth. Think how happy they'll be when we sell it and split the money with them.
+Split it? Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
+Whoa, whoa, whoa...
+Whoa, whoa, whoa...
+Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... split it with them?
+Kirk and Luann didn't know what the painting was worth when they sold it.
+Yes, they sold it to us. So now it's our painting. We can hang it on our wall, cut eyeholes in it to spy on people, or... sell it for lots of money which we keep.
+For ourselves?
+This dude gets it.
+But the Van Houtens are our friends!
+I don't know what you're talking about. Hide the treasure!
+Are they, Marge? If you think about it, aren't they really just the parents of a kid who happens to hang out with our kid?
+All our friends are like that!
+Well how would you feel if we sold them something that turned out to be valuable?
+I would feel: A). Happy for their good fortune, B). Proud to know rich people, and C). Grateful for an opportunity to learn from a mistake.
+How about this... what if we give the Van Houtens twenty-five percent of the money?
+Then they'll just be mad about the sixty-five percent that we're keeping!
+Marge, you like kindness, right?
+So even if we gave Kirk and Luann some of money, the knowledge of what they could have had will eat away at them, like piranhas devouring a wounded yeti.
+Homer looks into Marge's eyes.
+It's kinder never to tell them.
+Okay... I see your point. We should sell the painting, keep all the money, and never, ever tell the Van Houtens.
+What'll it take to buy your silence?
+Okay Milhouse, the guys in back are putting your new bike together.
+And all I have to do is not say anything about some painting to my Mom and Dad?
+Oh sweetie, you want your parents to be happy, don't you?
+I guess.
+"I guess." You're funny! No wonder Lisa's in love with you.
+She is?
+She is?
+...so if I keep my mouth shut, you get me new wheelie sneakers, and Bart agrees to promote and encourage use of my new cool nickname, "C.J."...
+You got it, Ceej.
+You found out that painting was worth big bucks, and you weren't gonna tell us?!
+We had a deal. And now we've got nothing...
+We considered you our friends... we trusted you... I let Homer use our master bathroom! Then you stab us in the back!
+If you knew you sold a valuable painting for nothing, how could you live with yourselves? We were just trying to be... kind.
+Kind!? You call it kind to give us nothing?
+We were gonna treat you to dinner at an upscale chain restaurant and never explain why, but now forget it!
+Oh, so that's how it is!
+That's exactly how it is.
+Oh is it?
+Oh it is.
+Luann, I hope we're still on Thursday for collecting used cellphones for the troops.
+I don't think you need any help. You're so good at... collecting.
+Oh, that was cold, Luann. So cold! BRRRRR! SARCASTIC BRRRRRR!
+See what happens when we get greedy?
+Honey, there's something I wanna show you.
+An ATM receipt?
+I don't know whose this is. I found it next to the cash machine, and I've always kept it. Look at the balance.
+Five figures!
+With that painting we could have what these people have. A money cushion. No more living paycheck to paycheck, one lost retainer away from the gutter.
+I could write a check with... today's date on it.
+That's the cushion.
+Oh, definitely betrayal, Kent.
+Interesting.
+So if you see the Simpsons walking down your street, lock your doors and hide... your friendship.
+Great! Now we're raccoons -- the masked bandits of the animal world!
+Don't worry. No one's gonna see this stupid show.
+"Give back the painting!" The whole town's turned against us!
+"You have no obligation to share the money from that painting." Ooo, a support rock!
+This one's against us. This one's for us. For, for, against, for, against...
+We don't even get this many Christmas cards.
+There they are, the Masterpiece Thievers!
+Ah, shut your bone hole! That painting belongs to the Simpsons!
+Sharing is what makes a community strong!
+All sales are final!
+You really think we're still doing the right thing?
+Just close your eyes and think of the cushion.
+First lot: "Untitled Landscape" by Johan Oldenveldt, from the Collection of Homer J. and Marge B. Simpson. Let's open the bidding at eighty thousand dollars.
+The paddles, Marge! Look at the paddles!
+Stop the auction!
+That painting belongs to me!
+Good to see you again, Beef Kirky.
+Who is this woman?
+Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
+While you two were separated, Kirk and I used to be friends... with banana-fits.
+You told me you didn't see anyone during our separation.
+Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
+Madam, are you saying this painting belongs to you?
+Kirk stole it from me! But I didn't know it was valuable until I saw the story on TV.
+What? I bought that painting! She's lying!
+The auction is on hold until we can determine the true ownership.
+Our cushion!
+Don't bother coming home, Kirk!
+See what your greed has done?
+Excuse me, we're trying to find "Café Artiste."
+Anybody want to give me a ride home? Going once? Going twice?
+Sold! To the lonely auctioneer!
+Thanks for taking me in, man...
+I guess I can't help but feel fully responsible.
+Oh Luann... I'll never gaze from my thick eyeglasses into your thick eyeglasses ever again.
+What you need, my friend, is a Canadian Duff. Beauty, eh?
+So, why does that chick think she owns the painting?
+Dawn and I went on a vacation to a resort island called Isla Verde. I bought the painting in a café... but that night she ran off with a parasailing instructor.
+Not your fault, man. Those parasailing guys take whatever they want.
+It was never her painting. That woman will say anything to keep herself in electric cigarettes. And I'd go back to that Café Artiste to prove it... but nothing's gonna get me Luann back.
+Okay, all I gotta do is take a quick ferry to Isla Verde, find Café Artiste, and they'll back up Kirk's story. That will prove the painting was his -- and now ours.
+Oh, Homer Simpson, that painting has torn the town apart, destroyed Kirk and Luann's marriage, and everyone's very worried about Milhouse.
+He's been playing Dancing Revolution for hours, but the TV is off.
+But our cushion...
+That picture has brought out the worst in everyone! Please... just let it go!
+You're not gonna let it go, are you?
+I wish I knew how.
+This is so exciting! My first time establishing provenance!
+Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just remember, if your mother asks, I took you to a wine tasting.
+That's a terrible thing for a father to do.
+That's why she'll believe it.
+Hmm... this quaint artist community has gotten a little touristy.
+Ah, yes. Top of the hill. Three discos up, four gelatos on the left. You can't miss it, it's right between the disco and the gelato place.
+Welcome to Café Artiste! Would you like a glass of Strupo? It's a liqueur made of fermented capers, the official drink of the island.
+Sounds delicious. It's not. Hey, a friend of mine, uh, bought a painting here.
+Oh, yes, I remember that painting. And that is the man I sold it to.
+And that man sold it to me!
+That proves the painting is mine! And nothing can stop me from selling it and keeping all the money!
+I love art!
+Art? What do you know about art? You don't even know who painted that picture.
+Yes we do. It's a Johan Oldenveldt.
+Wrong! It's a me!
+I painted it! Me, Klaus Ziegler!
+This is where I painted your so-called Oldenveldt.
+Prove it.
+Oh... crap.
+You're a... forger?
+Forger is such a cruel word. I'm an art forger.
+Your painting was an early, clumsy effort which I gave to the café owner to pay off my Strupo tab.
+Then why did the auction house say it was real?
+I have fooled galleries around the world with my loving imitations.
+Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler!
+What you do is horrible: ripping off geniuses who spent years perfecting their styles.
+Perhaps you are the one who is horrible.
+Now let's play human foosball!
+You only cared about that painting when you thought it was created by someone famous.
+Well... no, but now when I look at it all I'll see is a fraud.
+Beauty is beauty. My "forgeries" give pleasure to people all over the world.
+The only real question to ask about art, whether it's in the Louvre or on a freshman's wall at Cal State Fullerton, is "Did it move you?"
+But, you still, I mean... I suppose you're right.
+What if I never liked the painting, and only wanted it for money?
+Then you, I respect.
+Oh, great. The painting is worthless...this was all for nothing. And when Marge finds out she's gonna kill me.
+Well, on that front, perhaps I can be of assistance. If there's one thing art is good for, it's to melt the frost which often hardens a woman's heart.
+While you're at it... could you make me a couple more?
+I'll pay you in Strupo...
+Oh, perfect. Now that's art.
+Rockin'
+The Gray Troll, Brine of Madness, Angel's Urine... All names for the mysterious elixir known as Strupo. Though this fermented caper solution was originally used to dissolve seagull corpses, local alcoholics soon found Strupo to be a palatable drink of last resort. The noxious liqueur causes powerful olfactory hallucinations, gender confusion, and wandering mouth. So if you visit Isla Verde, be sure to say "ahoy" to the crushing addiction of Strupo. Strupo: lose everything.
+Children, you're in for a treat. Today's assembly is devoted to a special kind of history.
+Living history.
+End this madness!
+We have two guests who have come from Springfield!
+We come from Springfield!
+Illinois! Eighteen fifty-eight! Please welcome, here to debate the important issues of the day, Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln!
+I appear before you to-day for the purpose of discussing the leading political topics which now agitate the public mind...
+Hit the dirt, squirt!
+Well, it seems the, uh, the good landowners of Springfield Elementary are rejecting Mr. Douglas's position on tariffs.
+Get a room!
+I shared beds with men all the time. It was a common practice!
+Ooh, common practice.
+Please, good people. These are times of powerful passion.
+Why are you concussing yourself? Why are you concussing yourself?
+Now, fellow countrymen! A house divided against itself...
+Douglas is gettin' away!
+Skin-ner!
+I have seven other principals and I've never yelled their names, not even once! You know what these kids lack?
+Well, certainly not a caring superintendent.
+Well, I, uh... Respect. That's what these kids lack. So we will hold a contest to make them tell us who they respect. Who their heroes are.
+A contest? But, sir, we don't have any money to pay for prizes. We had to rent out our multi-purpose room to a Japanese-American social club.
+TANPATSU!!!
+The answer is simple, Seymour. Get a corporate sponsor. But don't worry, you won't have to compromise yourself.
+So, from now on our cafeteria will only serve... delicious "Stuffwich's" heroes, hoagies, and torpedoes.
+What about po' boys?
+Sorry, Nelson. Poor boys such as yourself will go hungry. Now please welcome the star of "Stuffwich's" ads, who lost four hundred pounds eating only "Stuffwich" subs -- Ezra.
+Tell us your hero and you could win a Stuffwich college scholarship.
+Then you can be a hero like me.
+What makes you a hero?
+I don't eat as much as I did!
+So the chained-up dude cuts off his own foot to save his family from Jigsaw! My hero is my Mom's boyfriend who took me to that movie when I was three.
+I call him Uncle Rob -- because he robbed us.
+Madame Curie, we just might have this one in the bag.
+My hero... or should I say hero-ine... dazzled the early twentieth century with her scientific discoveries...
+Okay, calm down. Maybe he's talking about Margaret Mead.
+...in the field of radioactivity.
+I give you Madame Marie Sklodowska-Curie!
+No-no-no.
+Martin took my topic. What do I do?
+Oh, just make a speech about Dad.
+Everyone does that.
+Everyone does that with good dads. But with our Dad, it's like climbing Mount Everest. You either plant your flag at the top of the world or get frozen in agony forever. Either way, Hell of a show.
+People, please! Martin has left the building. He had an orthodontist appointment.
+Okay, Dad's my hero. Why is he my hero?
+Marge, it happened again!
+Lisa? Lisa Simpson? You have ten seconds to get to the podium!
+I'm allowed to eat these!
+Our final contestant is Lisa Simpson, who was last seen leaving in tears.
+Near tears.
+But not in them?
+My hero isn't famous...
+...isn't rich...
+Pathetic.
+...and isn't in any history books...
+He makes me sick.
+He's my Dad.
+He worked two jobs to get me a pony... he started me playing the saxophone you all love...
+...and anyone can put a band aid on, but my Dad knows how to take it off so it doesn't hurt.
+The trick is, wait several weeks.
+...And when my Dad was a soccer referee, he had the guts to red card me, his only talking daughter, because he knew I was diving.
+In the history of soccer, he's the only parent to ever take sides against his own kid, and he was right. He made me a better person, because that's what heroes do.
+That's what heroes do.
+I'm so glad I was forced to come.
+People, people... we have a tie!
+Yes, which means that nobody wins. The money goes back in the school general fund. But we will put both speeches online, behind a pay wall. Now, please fold up your chairs and stack them.
+'CAUSE I'M A GRADE SCHOOL HERO / LISA NEVER LIES / I'M A GRADE SCHOOL HERO / AND HEROES NEVER DIE / JUST ONE GUITAR! SLUNG WAY DOWN LOW / YEAH ONE GUITAR! / WHERE DID MY LAWNMOWER GO?!
+Well, look who's back.
+Hey, Dad.
+Lisa, your speech was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me.
+When did you come up with the idea? You must've worked on it for days.
+Oh, dad, you don't want details. No one wants to see the sausage being made.
+There's sausage being made? Where?
+Homie, there's someone here to see you.
+Coming! I haven't forgotten about the sausage.
+Mr. Simpson, I am the executive vice president of the World Football Federation.
+What you Americans call "soccer."
+I'm sure you are familiar with the World Cup. the quadrennial drama unmatched on the planet!
+Oh yeah. That's the thing the guys at the drycleaners get so excited about every four years.
+Of course I am, but how do you know?
+Oh, your daughter's speech went viral.
+I mean it spread like wildfire.
+Much better.
+Mr. Simpson, please help us. The rot is everywhere. In fact, I see that I myself am about to be arrested for corruption.
+You'll have to take it from here, Peter.
+Yes, I will take good care of your wife.
+Wait, what, what does that mean?
+Mr. Simpson, I am the new executive vice president of the WFF. We need outsiders like you to come to the World Cup, as our guests, and ref our games properly.
+Well, no one has ever has questioned my professionalism. Except at my profession.
+What do you think, sweetie?
+Dad, they're offering us an all-expenses paid trip to the greatest sporting event on earth!
+The two thousand eight Super Bowl?
+It's okay. I'm an American!
+Oh, I wish! Eli Manning's pass to David Tyree... But about the World Cup. I need your answer now.
+Sure, why not?
+"Congratulations on your purchase of a FootMaster brand soccer ball." Thanks, book!
+Look, you got us a free trip. Just slack off and cash your check like you always do.
+I believe the sweet little girl in twenty-one D would disagree with you.
+What the?!
+I switched with her, Dad.
+My TV didn't work. Now I can watch my premium H.B.O.!
+Look at you, using approved electronic devices.
+To try to avoid any misunderstandings in Brazil, like we had the last time, I'm learning the language.
+Eu amo o Brasil.
+Eu amo o Brasil!
+O que é um país encantador.
+Will you please turn that off? It's annoying the hell out of the flight crew.
+I was just trying to learn the--
+Everyone thinks they can learn our language on the plane. Do you know how disrespectful that is?
+All right, just for that attitude, turbulence.
+Live from Sao Paulo, we bring you the World Cup Round Robin Group F opening-round match!
+Today's game is between our host country, futbal powerhouse Brazil...
+OLÉ / OLÉ OLÉ, OLÉ...
+...and Luxemburg, whose entire nation has turned up.
+Gotta hurry. I've got nine hundred ninety-eight square miles to rob! Ha-ha.
+The mighty Brazilian squad features the greatest master of the fake injury soccer has ever known: El Divo!
+And with Brazil maintaining an insurmountable one goal lead, let's take a look at the refs.
+It says here Homer Simpson was recruited for his honesty and utter disinterest.
+How did he get those shorts on over that arse?
+Rumor has it they employed a team of pullers.
+Brazil wins it! And a fairly-called match it was.
+In choosing Homer Simpson, the World Cup has met its goooooooooooooooaaaaal!
+Andres Cantor, you know that is incorrect usage!
+I have no controlllll! This job has taken its tollll!
+Eu gostaria de um... hang on, hang on... placa de... hang on, hang on...
+Here you go, honey.
+How'd you eat the meat without the vegetables?
+The stomach wants what it wants. I need some air.
+Ah, Brazil. I couldn't stay afraid of you forever. The only thing that keeps me from living here is that fish that swims up your pee stream. That is a deal breaker.
+Homer Simpson! I would like to congratulate you on your fine officiating today.
+Thanks. I still can't believe the yellow and red cards don't stand for mustard and ketchup.
+Your disbelief will fade with time. But now, I would like to know if you are as "incorruptível" as they say.
+Oh, that is where I left my cellphone.
+You don't know the new me of the last few days at all!
+We will get to him. We have our ways.
+What other ways besides guns and money?
+We have two ways. Two very good ways.
+Red card!
+Let me give that back to you.
+Get outta here!
+And as Homer officiates, looks like we've got a little action on the bribe cam.
+Man, Krusty should get some of these letters.
+While you were out, the gamblers sent up gold-frosted donuts, a chocolate bowling ball, and a fresh pork sandwich.
+How fresh?
+Where's your mother?
+Went to practice her Portuguese.
+"Selecionar conta..." ooh, "select account"!
+Uh, perhaps you could select the "English" option!
+I did not pay seven ninety-nine for an app so I could use the English option.
+You Americans, you really throw your seven ninety-nines around.
+You know, you're pretty rude.
+Stupid lady.
+Give the donuts to the hotel staff. Release the pig, and the bowling ball, into the wild.
+Dad, is it hard for you to turn these bribes down?
+Yes. But knowing that Lisa chose me as her hero... without ever considering any other hero... keeps me strong.
+Why so quiet?
+I'm just examining what kind of person I am and whether I should destroy your happiness forever. Eh, why not?
+I'm listening. And it better be devastating.
+You weren't Lisa's hero. She just swapped you in at the last minute because someone else did her real hero.
+Oh my God. That's, that's shattering. And now, I'm a man in pain in the naughtiest city since San Francisco turned all nerdy.
+Where are you going?
+To drink until there's no pain left in my soul. But first I'm gonna eat off someone else's room service tray that was left in the hall!
+Now that's a broken man.
+What the Hell are you doing?
+Oh, oh. Okay.
+So the rumors are true. We knew you'd find out your daughter's original speech topic was Marie Curie. And now we need you to fix the greatest game of all: the World Cup Final.
+Fine. Marge is always complaining I never fix things. Give me another.
+All right. But we've run out of sugarcane.
+I carry my own.
+All right, Homer. To begin your descent into Hell, let us enjoy this pirated copy of "Man of Steel." But beware: Superman was never less fun.
+Here it is, the World Cup Final.
+Will it be a German Blitzkrieg or a Brazilian waxing?
+Nazi harborers!
+Guys, guys, you're both right.
+If I bet it, I could double it. But on who?
+You know that Brazil is going to win!
+Thanks for telling me. I was gonna tape it.
+Remember, I'll be watching.
+Wave a Brazilian flag so you'll stand out in the crowd.
+Don't do it, Dad. Don't cheat.
+You're a funny one to tell me about deception.
+I'm sorry you weren't my first choice. In fact... I had my doubts about using you at all.
+Well, if we're going to be brutally honest, that drawing you made of me when you were three was far from a perfect likeness.
+You put it on the fridge!
+It was pity-fridged!
+All right, you're hurt. I understand. But when I made you my hero, you lived up to it and more. You became the hero I thought you could be, Dad.
+Oh, come here.
+Everything's right with the world.
+That's all right, brain. If I die, I'll be doing the thing I love the most: trying not to get killed.
+This match is tighter than two dogs on a summer morn.
+There's no score at all. Even the slightest pebble could start a landslide.
+And El Divo goes down! In the box! will Homer award a penalty kick to Brazil?
+Do it! Do it! Call the penalty!
+No penalty! He dove, Dad!
+No penalty!
+I repeat, no penalty!
+No penalty!
+The game, plus two hours of funeral time, is about to conclude.
+And with Germany the victor, two-nil, in an unprecedented display of rectitude and stubbornness by one Homer Simpson!
+I've never seen the Brazilians so depressed.
+OLÉ / OLÉ, OLÉ, OLÉ.
+You broke a deal with us. And we have lost a fortune.
+Well, at least I'll die the American way. In a foreign country wearing short pants.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait! I wanna say something!
+You have one minute. Wait. Let it get to the twelve. Nnnow!
+Um... Deixar meu marido sozinho!
+How's she doin' that?
+I don't know, but she's my new hero.
+Yeah, I was a little surprised I wasn't considered before. Todo o meu marido se preocupa é ser um herói para sua filha. Por favor, perdoa-lhe.
+Your fluency is impressive. You can help my son learn Hebrew for his bar mitzvah. But I am still killing your husband.
+First, mazel tov! Second, don't! Please, please, I'm a mother. Surely you have a mother too.
+I do have a mother. Oh, she's right there.
+I'm sorry, my son. We owe a debt to the Simpsons that can never be repaid.
+Ho-mer, Ho-mer--
+All that she did was switch seats on a plane!
+On a fifteen hour flight!
+You are free to go.
+No penalty.
+Wow, the Amazon is just like I pictured it after seeing all those pictures online.
+I've never seen anything so beautiful.
+The best thing is I can get locally-sourced monkey meat.
+Okay, Teeny. Take care of part two.
+Hey-hey, what--
+Cleats.
+Homie, what happened?
+Um... maybe some easy-listening music will make you feel better about the story. Turn on eighty-nine point nine.
+Like most of my problems, it all started at Moe's...
+All right, so the rules are, every time the news guy says "senator," we gotta take a drink.
+It'll be nice to let someone else decide when I drink. Too much pressure.
+Yeah, Channel Six tip line? I just caught two senators doin' it in the alley. And me? I'm just a reliable source. Not "sauce," "source"! Source! "S-A-U-R-C-E"!
+We have heard from a very reliable sauce, news involving multiple senators.
+I will read a list of senators...with possibly more senators...to be named later by other senators:
+Senator Abercrombie, Senator Billingsley, Senator Beaumont...
+Oh damn, the plaster's flaking again.
+Once intoxicated, we had a great idea.
+Hey, swings!
+I'm a kid again!
+I'll save you!
+The only way out is in!
+Hey! Look at me! I'm going up a slide!
+Best recess ever!
+Help me guys! Guys?
+Don't worry, Homer. I'll call the cops!
+I'll write my senator!
+Senator!
+Am I gonna die on a playground, like some uncoordinated child?
+But I did learn something from all this. The sprinklers in this park come on at three a.m.
+Thanks for throwing the ball back. Really.
+I'll come back with the fire truck. I just have to get the kids to school first.
+Oh, are the kids with you?
+Hi, Dad! / Homer.
+Hey, guys! Why are you ducked down like that?
+Don't want to be seen with you when you're hitting bottom.
+At least we hope it's bottom.
+Don't worry. It's bottom all right.
+And that's why I was tardy today.
+And with that tardiness, you have at last crossed the boundary where I can legally apply physical discipline.
+Willie! Cut me a switch!
+What about the one your ma used on you?
+It uh, broke on my buttocks.
+Serves you right for eating jam straight out of the jar.
+Dammit! That's not even a swivel chair!
+Skate! Skate! As fast as you can. / But I'll catch you, I'm the Principal Man! That's the kind of education you're missing.
+Oh no! Uphill! The one place my car can't go.
+Would you like a quote?
+"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde. P.S., your car is totaled.
+Whoo! Safe!
+Oh, not totally...
+Wha-- what are you doing in here?
+Hiding from the cops.
+Well, I can't have cops sniffin' around here. Some of them might be girls.
+Can't I just stay a little? I only committed this robbery to help my kid.
+See, that's Jeremy. I need to get him braces. I always thought that if I'd had braces I'd have smiled more.
+Hey, I bet you have a great smile.
+Ay carumba!
+Bart, Bart! We're in whatchamacallit... a pursuit!
+So why'd you come here? I run a respectable treehouse.
+Just wondering if you've seen anything. Word is you'll, uh, you'll snitch for candy.
+You can't buy me with a candy bar that has coconut.
+Maybe this is more your neighborhood.
+Nice real estate. You've got a deal.
+So, what do you know?
+I saw a guy with a gun and a snake tattoo say he was gonna hide out on top of Mount Springfield.
+Mount Springfield, eh? Strap on your crampons, boys!
+Eddie! Prepare my litter!
+Lou, you are responsible for my oxygen, food, water, and cleaning! You have to clean me.
+Dude, thank you. Why did you save me?
+We outlaws have to stick together.
+Outlaw? You?
+Stolen bowling shoes, 3-D glasses, Krusty standee...and this "cage" for my pet.
+What do you feed him?
+My A.D.D. meds.
+Listen, would you like two tickets to the school musical. My son plays the butcher... in "Fiddler on the Roof."
+I'm busy that night.
+Yeah, lucky you.
+Are you okay?
+Don't put more in there!
+Going for record!
+What record? Stupidest death?
+Merci beaucoup!
+Oh, well, you're very wel--
+That's French for: Hello.
+Actually, I think it--
+Lucas Bortner, competitive eater.
+A fat kid with a dream?! I can't compete with that!
+What does a competitive eater eat?
+All the glamor foods: pizza, boiled eggs, chicken wings, and the big enchilada, which is not enchiladas but hotdogs.
+Sixty-nine hot dogs is the current record. As the great Kobayashi says, "Detekurutoki itaiyo."
+What does that mean?
+That's going to hurt coming out.
+Is Kobayashi the number one... um... uh...
+The correct term is "gurgitator."
+I won't be using the correct term then.
+Virtually everyone uses his technique: "Japanesing." Shall I demonstrate?
+Um, why don't I just go sit alone and-- Oh, you're doing it.
+Ready... set... Japanese!
+Nope, no. That's not going down. This happens from time to time.
+Maybe this isn't the sport for you.
+It's not a sport. It's my life.
+Can I join you for lunch?
+Um, sure. How many whole pizzas would you like?
+Um, can I just have a slice?
+Interesting technique.
+You didn't tell me you had a PlayStadium Four!
+It's the first I've seen it.
+Something's fishy, Bart. Where's the gift receipt? Where's the packet of desiccant that says "do not eat," and believe me, you shouldn't.
+I have a feeling this PlayStadium was "liberated" from its previous owner and given to me in gratitude.
+"Liberated?" You mean "stolen?"
+You can't spell "crime" without "me."
+C-r-i- there it is, at the end!
+Oh hi, is-is Lisa home?
+Yes, she is. And who are you?
+It's pronounced "Luca-dollar". That's my competition name. I'm a competitive eater.
+Competitive eater? Did I hear right? I could be a competitive eater?
+No! You didn't hear anything!
+Yes I did! I heard "competitive eater"!
+It's for people who haven't had heart problems!
+Then that makes me the Jackie Robinson of the sport. And you are the racist Philadelphia manager!
+Quit comparing me to Ben Chapman!
+I will when you open your mind to change!
+So, what should we practice: um, Vienna sausage; blueberry pie -- short form; oatmeal -- long course; freestyle baked beans; catfish; ooh! cow brains...
+Beans, beans. We'll do beans.
+Huh. Never saw the pork eat the beans before.
+Actually, I'm a little surprised Lisa likes him.
+Really? "Justin Blobber" over there doesn't remind you of anyone?
+Eight hundred dollars to cut me outta that slide? It's all about the money with those firemen.
+Women marry their fathers, Marge.
+So you just might be meeting your future ton-in-law.
+God bless us.
+You can do better!
+She can smash a salad.
+What the?
+Maybe you're not cut out for competitive eating.
+Are you calling me not fat?
+No, I'm just, I... maybe you just haven't found the right food. Huh? How 'bout ice cream?
+Yes! I will lay some hurt on that cream!
+Oh my God! Brain freeze! Oh my God! Kick me in the head till I pass out.
+Harder. I'm still conscious! You must kick me harder!
+Thanks, babe. Sorry you had to drop out of college to feed me full time. Now give us a kiss.
+What the?
+Oh, yawn. Another freebie. Better be a sixty-four gig.
+Huh? It's full of lame apps: Bully Avoider, Nosebook, Insta-Grandma, This was stolen from Milhouse!
+From my backpack! Where Puppy Goo-Goo sleeps! Maybe it's time to tell me exactly what's going on!
+Relax! Listen to the music of this bubble game.
+So peaceful... No! I won't let this go! Bart, it's time you told me how you've been getting all this stuff.
+I helped Snake out of a jam so he paid me back in stolen stuff. It was an honorable arrangement. But I never thought he'd steal from you.
+Snake, eh? I never would've suspected the one criminal in town.
+You seem stressed.
+You wanna suck some Squishee?
+Careful. It's uncut syrup. They give it to horses before they race.
+My sisters are nuts. I'm happy being married to Homer. Most of the time.
+Jailbird, A.K.A. Snake -- that's his real name, Albert Knickerbocker Aloysius Snake, has been arrested for a series of thefts and may be put to death under a controversial new statute.
+Yeah, we had a law stating "Three strikes and you're out," but I thought it was: "You're out!" So I let people go. So now it's "Four balls and you walk! Right to the electric chair!" It's, uh, much clearer, Kent.
+Bart, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to ruin his life, not end it.
+You ratted him out? He's got a kid!
+A kid? I was crushed when I lost my Dad and all he did was move to the Holiday Inn. I can still see him smoking on the balcony. He looked like he missed something... maybe me!
+So you see, we can't let Jailbird fry.
+Time for the Sleepover Detectives!
+I didn't say there'd be a sleepover.
+Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing my pajamas under my clothes.
+And my swimsuit under those.
+One day it'll all pay off.
+Oh, there's my magazine. Why, look at this! "What every father should do for his daughter."
+Marge, if you want me to do something, just tell me. Don't hide behind a magazine.
+Right, right, right, right. According to Judy Kleinsmith, a professional freelance writer, fathers should take their daughters out on little dinner dates and treat them like a gentleman would. Then she'll expect the same from the men in her future!
+Wait. Let me get this straight. Sit and eat? That's my punishment?
+It's not a punishment. But you can't just eat dinner. You have to be gentlemanly and attentive.
+Oh, I can fake attentive. I've been watching a football game this whole discussion.
+Not fake attentive. Real attentive.
+Okay, okay. We'll make it fun. I'll take her to that crab place. All the crabs you could smash.
+You know Lisa's a vegetarian.
+No! Homer, you can't just do the things you want to do. You have to act like someone you'd want Lisa to marry. If you just act like yourself, she might just... Oh, you know?
+She might marry someone like me? You think that would be bad!?
+Homie, I love you. But you can be a challenge, like doing the Daily Jumble.
+Marge, you are comparing me to the most infuriating thing in the newspaper!
+Well, I was just trying to--
+I'm sleeping on Flanders' couch tonight. Ours is crap.
+...so Marge says I gotta "ask Lisa on a date."
+Sure you remember how to ask out a girl, Homer?
+Yeah, you've been out of the game a long time there.
+Hey guys! Lay off Homer!
+Now you quit stallin' and call your daughter like a man!
+Feels weird.
+Just ask your daughter to have dinner with you. What is the big deal?
+He's doing it! He's calling a girl!
+Omigod, omigod, omigod!
+Oh, It's ringing!
+Omigod, omigod, omigod!
+Uh, Hello. Lisa. I know your brother and...
+Stupid, stupid, stupid!
+Calm down, calm down! She doesn't know it's you.
+Hide! Hide!
+Uh, hello? Oh, sure, Liser, your Dad's right here.
+Dad? Did you just call?
+Uh, yeah. Hey, listen, your mom thinks that maybe you and I should have dinner together, sometime...
+Just the two of us?
+Yeah, I knew you'd think it's dumb--
+I'd love that. See you tonight!
+Woo-hoo! I got a date with my daughter!
+Yeah, we all been there. No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.
+So you see, Chief, Snake wasn't stealing that stuff out of greed. He was stealing it to thank me.
+Plea denied! Warm up the electric chair, Lou!
+You're not done yet?
+The instructions are in Swedish, Chief. We got this from "IKILLYA."
+Yo, I totally speak Swedish.
+Fluently?
+Um, ja.
+Uh, do what he says, Lou.
+But Chief...
+But-but-but... quit arguing and give him the little wrench.
+Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Let him out, Lou. Let him out!
+But Chief, we've got guns, he's got a little wrench.
+It's cold!
+All right.
+Thanks for coming down, Bart. You won't need to save me a third time.
+You're going straight?
+If I get caught, it's suicide by cop.
+Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
+It means I get you to shoot me, dude.
+Yeah, still sounds like a lot of paperwork.
+Hair volumizer... Cologne?
+Hello, Marjorie.
+Homie! You look like an N.B.A. coach!
+Yes, well it's a special evening. And I thought it best not to look like a monkey.
+Don't worry. I won't embarrass you. I will put my napkin in my lap. I will use the utensils provided for me. And if our food is slow in coming I will "blow my stack" in a manner befitting the Earl of Yarborough.
+All right, you've made your point.
+Hey, I can't screw this up or Lisa will get stuck with someone like me.
+Ooh, pepperoni!
+Homie, I don't have a problem with you. Except your buttons are off one.... Actually, this is a collar button... see? It goes like this...
+Is there no end to your fault-finding?!
+Maggie, help me with this shirt.
+So, Mr. Burns never realized it was Maggie who saved the plant?
+Nope. Now, how's that drink? Can I Temple up that Shirley?
+I'm fine.
+Well, have we decided?
+Uh, yeah, help me out here. What is the "normal amount" of entrees per person?
+Eh, one, sir.
+I mean for adults!
+No. I mean for adult males.
+Yes. I repeat, one.
+All right, I'll have the lasagna.
+All right. Meat or vegetarian?
+Oh, uh. Vegetarian. Can the red sauce be cow blood?
+We'll see what we can do.
+Is that Mom?
+Homer, could you come with me for a minute?
+Marge please, control your jealousy. This is your daughter!
+We need to have a conversation in loud whispers.
+Um. Excuse me, Lisa.
+A friend from high school.
+Homie, I felt terrible when you said I felt "stuck" with you. But then, I realized: I am stuck with you. I couldn't stop loving you if I tried.
+I'm sorry, that's all very nice. But I can't forget what you said.
+I know, Homie. I know you well enough to know you're not ready to forgive me yet. But I also know you well enough to know that this will work.
+Where'd you get that dress?
+Remember that sewing machine you say I never use? Well, I sold it and bought this dress!
+Wow. Wow. That looks just like the dress you wore on Project Runway.
+Sh-sh-sh!
+Oh, right. I mean, this looks like a dress from a local Springfield store. All is forgiven. Let's have dinner.
+Dad, I believe we were on a date.
+Oh, of course. You're right, honey. I'll just um, I'll park it at the bar.
+Well, hello!
+And your lasagna with cow blood, sir.
+Thanks, Frenchy.
+I'm not French, just pissy.
+Lucas! You're not competitive eating anymore?
+No, I realized that was unrealistic.
+Well, that's a relief.
+My new goal is to become whatever Adele is.
+Just call me "Pound-Uca-Dollar."
+What if I just taught you how to whistle?
+You know how to whistle? Like with your mouth? Hey I'm doing it! I sound just like a bird!
+Please let it be a bear that did this.
+Oh, how much did I eat?!
+Homie, you can't keep doing this to yourself.
+Pfft! I'm as healthy as a horse.
+Horses only live thirty years!
+If you could just ease up on the eating after three a.m. That's all I ask...
+Marge is right. I'm gonna walk upstairs, take her in my arms and tell her my good health starts now.
+Legs pumping! Blood flowing!
+Two at a time! Heart exploding.
+All that's left are clever last words.
+So we mourn the loss of Homer J. Simpson, beloved husband, father and poorly-informed sports fan.
+All he did was yell "traveling" at the screen.
+Midge, uh, condolences on your bereavement there. If, uh y'know, after a respectful period of grief and whatnot, uh, yous would like to have some coffee... please give a call. Yeah.
+Thank you, Moe.
+Stop! Stop with the wailing and the gnashing, and the . Homer is not dead! I have made a copy!
+I'm number two!
+You're alive! But how?
+Uh, well, ahem-glaven, I was able to put Homer's memories in the body of a clone, identical to the original in every way. I wanted to clone a sheep, but I needed to start with something simpler, which he is because his brain is .
+Oh Dad, you're back! Just in time for my recital!
+Somebody kill me.
+Now Homie, I hope you'll use this second chance to live a more sensible life.
+Amen, baby! Did you make potato salad for the wake?
+That man sure loved potato salad.
+Oh heya Midge, uh, here we are again, huh? And, uh, here. My new card.
+I'm back! Comin' through!
+Yeah, I can die all I want -- Frink's got Homers like the Tuileries has park benches. Huh? Wonder where I picked that up.
+Oh, I implanted a western history chip but all you retained were the places to sit down.
+Homer, you'll be all right. But no solid food for two weeks.
+Two weeks?
+No! I'm throwing you out of the house! You can live with your no-good son.
+We are gathered here to mourn the passing of yet another Homer Simpson. Beloved father... precious memories... local character... etcetera. Okay, we're ready for the crematorium bot.
+Wait a minute!
+Don't go far, Cremo.
+Oh, Moe. Are we doing this again?
+You know what? No! I'm tired of getting my hopes up here. You and your immortal husband can go take a flying leap. Eh?!
+Um, I am so very sorry, but, uh, this time I could not bring Homer back to life.
+Wha--?!
+Stupid Moe, you just had to act like yourself, didn't ya, ya jackass.
+All is not lost! I was able to download Homer's brain into this flash drive. It'll have to do.
+Yo. Where's my body?
+Oh, you used up all your clones, you fat, fat, fat reckless, fat pig! From now on you're just going to be a face on a monitor. So, enjoy screensaver mode.
+Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! Ooh, corner! Ba-donk!
+Let me just say this once: I'm good.
+Hey kids, wanna chase Grandpa Homer around the house?
+I do! / Yay!
+After thirty-five years of wifely obedience, I'm married to a face on a screen.
+It's not exactly fun and games for me either, Marge.
+Oooh, "Goody Gobble"!
+Woo-hoo, liquid center power-up!
+How are you, Milhouse?
+Things aren't great with Lisa. If it wasn't for that squirrel that eats our bird food, we'd have nothing to talk about.
+Uh, Marge? 'Scuse me. Uh, I think I need a reboot.
+Just stick the tip of your pen in that little hole and hold it for fifteen minutes...
+Nothing for thirty years. You're perfect for each other.
+No, no, no! Don't pull me out before you click eject! That hurts like a mother--
+Son, can you put me in 3-D for a second?
+Why you little! I'll teach you to emulate my sloppiness!
+Hey Bart, great to see you, man! How are you?
+Oh yeah, she's just getting out of the shower...
+Hey, you're looking good, man. You been working out, or what?
+You're lucky, man. I have to hit the gym like every day, or I'm like
+Hey, baby. Hurry boys! We're going camping this weekend!
+But our thing was camping.
+Living out of a car is not camping!
+That's right, babe.
+Goodbye, Daddy!
+Take care, Bart. Hey! Check's due on the first, whether it's a weekend or not.
+Okay everyone, Jolly did a great job standing on her hind legs! What does she get?
+A goat!
+Cheer up, Bart. You're working with dinosaurs!
+C'mon, you're free and sleazy. I know some "adult dancers" that work with my Mom.
+With social security a thing of the past, she can't afford to retire.
+That one Republican is great at gettin' his way.
+Brains!
+You weren't answering your phone. I was worried you might have been bitten.
+Oh, zombies not able to control selves. All we do bite, bite, bite. You, sir, am racist.
+I'm sure you're one of the good ones. Not to imply that there are any bad ones, of course. But all stereotypes come from a place of--
+Still meh.
+Dude, it's been two years since the divorce.
+Ooh, I love your perfume. Can I smell you later?
+Why don't you smell me now?
+Haw haw.
+Sir, you have to leave. You're bumming out everyone and you have like a goat beard a-stuck to your shoe.
+After this procedure, you will have total closure from your divorce.
+It'll be over before I finish this...sentence.
+Put it in the jar.
+Actually, Terrence, this is a synthetic substance. Devised for zombie vegans, or "Zegans."
+What are you doing here?
+One more injection in two weeks and you're cured. But until then, you may experience some zombie-ism.
+Brains!
+Those are just teaching brains. They're like the plastic sushi in front of a Japanese restaurant.
+Window-sushi fake?!
+Window-sushi fake.
+Hey, passable-looking.
+Sorry. I'm just a little creeped-out by that screensaver.
+Wow. Now I see why they call you Miss Hoover.
+You must've been vacuuming for an hour.
+Anything to please my man.
+Good is not a concept in my culture!
+Not just me.
+There's Beppo, Boppo, Emmett Kelly the Ninth, Frenchy, Insane Clown Polly, and Commodore Tee-hee.
+Brains? Brains?
+Spicy Mexican garden brains?
+Give me your wallet!
+What seems to be the oopsie here?
+Yay! I'm fighting crime!
+Officer needs backup!
+There, back up.
+No breathing, no asthma.
+Garden brains.
+Too much sodium.
+The old Milhouse would have been helpless with an asthma attack.
+Brevity soul wit.
+Nothing.
+Well, I don't miss his nonsense. There's a lot of stuff he blamed on raccoons that I'm starting to suspect was him.
+...the real housewives of Venus.
+It's only natural to miss a man you buried a hundred and twenty-seven times.
+'Bout time!
+Hey! Where's my junk?
+Yeah, but Mom's sad.
+Jerry moved out.
+I thought he was the one, Bart. I just put in a saltwater tank where he could shed his exoskeleton. And now when I walk by it, I feel like a fool.
+You're just saying that because you have to.
+Wow. Wow. You've really grown. We should have dinner sometime.
+Body. To Moe's.
+Hey, you're kinda quiet tonight, Homer.
+I love how you're dropping all your definite articles.
+Uh, what are you cooking?
+Please enjoy your desserts.
+Suddenly I want a different dessert.
+Open your stance a little, there. Yeah, that's it. Do your worst, kids!
+Come on! Hug your Grampa, boys!
+Threat perceived. Terminate! Terminate!
+Kids are so afraid of being terminated.
+Lookin' good, Santa's Little Hybrid.
+Father, what am I?
+Guys... sit down. Our lives are gonna change a little.
+This is never good.
+This is good. Your father and I are gonna try to make it work again. Like a classic rock band whose hold-out member finally needs money.
+Wow. Everyone's back together except Gramma and Grampa.
+I think that's about to change.
+Aren't you going to work, Dad?
+They need my help hunting down those self-driving cars that turned evil.
+You passed another rest stop!
+I am not stopping again.
+But I had a large soda!
+I said get the small!
+It was only fifty cents more!
+Let's play The Quiet Game!
+Milhouse, you were supposed to come see me today for your final anti-zombie injection.
+But I'm supposed to be in surgery now, so I guess we're both playing hooky. But Lisa, if you want Milhouse to return to his old self, then you'd better bring him in for that shot tomorrow.
+So, that earring I lost in the teleport? Turns out it's in Florida.
+That's not a listening-to-me "yes." You're watching something!
+I knew it! This was supposed to be "us" time, and you're lensing a game!
+Only to complain about you not paying any attention to me!
+I thought this time things were gonna be different.
+Wow. What does that mean?
+Hey Bart, what'll it be?
+One week from tonight!
+Yes, well, uh...
+But doctor... he's so much more interesting this way.
+That is so typical of you.
+Phoo! You two don't know what a rough marriage is.
+Look, life's tough. It's hard to make it through. The only way I know is when you make a decision that comes from your heart, you stick with it.
+Or my decision to support Duffman in his old age.
+Duffman can still swing and party. Oh yeahhh.
+No, I'm going to join him forever.
+I can't tell if that was love, suicide or a really boring videogame.
+Lisa, your husband is... fine. No residual zombie-ism whatsoever.
+Watch. I'll just wave this juicy brain in front of him...
+I'm gonna faint!
+Hooray.
+Yeah, you're right. That's why I started seeing Jerry again without telling you.
+Hey buddy, how're you doing?
+...sentence.
+I have to decide whether to make Milhouse human again. I even prefer the way he smells now. Some meat went bad in our freezer and my heart skipped a beat.
+Mom, I've gotta know. Once and for all, what is the secret? Why did you stay with Dad so long?
+Like my marriage.
+Wait, Mom. Does that mean you're gonna take Dad back?
+You never left. Everything that you experienced between when I flipped the switch and now, was just a neural implant in your temporal lobe.
+Oh. Uh huh. It was all a dream. And now you can go home.
+I'm positive. We treat a lot of people for obsessions.
+It's a whole new day for Nothing Stu!
+Wow. I'm free! Get ready, world! I've got a whole new set of mistakes to make!
+Ol' Gil could use a fresh start.
+Weren't you just in here this morning?
+I've had a bad day.
+After thirty-five years of marriage, we've finally gotten it right.
+Yes, even my personality has gotten, shall we say, an upgrade.
+Whoa. That's a bit of a woo-hoo. Indeed.
+Dead flowers from dead husband.
+And I was a false memory, too!
+Aw, shucks.
+On the next week of Fox Television's, "The Simpsons:"
+Sit down.
+You're not going anywhere.
+Release the--
+It ain't whatcha think.
+I said no mayo!
+Ay carumba.
+Thanks, but Milhouse and I are in a pretty good place.
+No, that's what happened in your false memories.
+There is no cure for zombie-ism.
+No, you were real.
+Eh, welcome fellow barkeeps, gin-slingers, and beer-jerks.
+We are all here because drinkin' in our bars is down. Mom and Pop bartenders can't compete with big box stores like Booze Barn and Hooch City.
+Thanks, Cap. Now what I'm proposing is a superhero pub crawl. Our clientele dress up in costume and go drinking from bar to bar. Their masks make 'em feel uninhibited, and invulnerable.
+Yeah, and that's not all. Why don't you tell 'em about it, Moe?
+Yeah, you got it, Moe. We can make up superhero drink names and charge 'em double. Like, uh, Nick Fury, Agent of Schnapps; Sex in the Batmobile; and the Wolveriskey! 'Ere, check out my uh, portfolium here.
+Flame on!
+Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God!
+I can't breathe...
+No, no, no!
+Why do they call this a yard of ale?
+Easy. After you drink one, you're passed out in your yard.
+Well, better get home. The delightfulness ended hours ago.
+Homer, the best thing for you to do in this situation is keep drinking.
+Why are you doing this to me, booze? I drank every kind of you!
+See ya, Homer! / Bye, Dad!
+Have a good day, you two! Don't be me!
+There's my dad!
+Wait, I think I just sucked up a dollar!
+Off! Off! José, hit the switch!
+We're not all Josés, man.
+Ugh. Art.
+Simpson! Smock up!
+Every time I do art, some do-gooder teacher sends it straight to a therapist.
+Your stuff is pretty disturbing.
+I've never acted on any of it!
+You will take art, you will enjoy art, and you will make something in a kiln your mother can use.
+Maggie! Why'd you do that?
+And you shall leave immortal! Also, take out the trash.
+Honest! / Inspiring! / Yes... necessary! / Oh, Milhouse-ian!
+Oh Bart, it's wonderful!
+Really? Wonderful? I just drowned a grasshopper in paint and let him crawl on the paper till he died.
+You know what that's called? Mixed-media conceptual art.
+No it's not, because I hate art.
+Oh, then it's protest art!
+Stop encouraging me!
+I will admire you from afarrr!
+Shauna? What are you doing here?
+Training for the Olympics.
+I gotta find a way to get rid of my art teacher.
+Easy. Voodoo.
+Is there a voodoo queen you can direct me to?
+Oh yeah. She lives in a trailer down by Yogurtland. Now kiss me. I wanna make somebody mad.
+What's my no-good daughter up to now?
+Now you have everyt'ing you need for the voodoo. Would you like a bag?
+Yes, ma'am.
+Paper or plastic?
+Uh, plastic.
+Just like the chicken foot say you would!!!
+Okay, did you get Trunch's D.N.A.?
+Yeah, got it out of her purse.
+How'd you do that?
+Art teachers don't have a desk. They just throw their purse anywhere.
+VOODOO SPELL / VOODOO SPELL / SEAGULL BEAK AND BONE OF MEL
+PURPLE HEART AND TEAR OF CHUM...
+Just had to be "tear of chum."
+...SEND HER HOME WITH ACHING TUM!
+Oh, right, we need one more thing from her purse.
+I've got these.
+Hm. She's got tickets to the play "God of Carnage".
+Orchestra? On an art teacher's salary? That's black magic!
+Where's Mrs. Trunch? I need to know the correct density of "points" in my pointillism.
+Sorry, but I don't think we'll be seeing much of Trunch today.
+Yep. I cast a voodoo spell on her. I won't bore you with the dark details, but let's just say she's in no condition for teaching.
+Class, I have an announcement. I'm afraid I can't teach today. I have a tummy ache.
+A very special tummy ache.
+I'm going to have a baby!
+Bart Simpson got a teacher pregnant!
+Typical Ralph nonsense.
+Bart Simpson got a teacher pregnant!
+Happy with your two-timing boyfriend now?
+I admit, I did make a voodoo doll of Mrs. Trunch. But I just asked for a stomach ache, not a baby!
+Classic wish-maker's mistake -- vague language.
+So I did make her pregnant?
+Of course not. Doesn't work that way.
+Just how do women get babies?
+I'm not allowed to discuss that with fourth graders. Fifth grade, you get every dirty detail.
+Do you know how embarrassed I was to get a call, at my arraignment, for my behavior during the pub crawl, because of a voodoo curse my son placed on his art teacher?
+I didn't mean to make her pregnant. I just hate art so much.
+Oh, everyone does, son. That's why they lock it up in museums where no one will ever visit.
+So, uh, your boy's got magic knock-up powers, huh?
+Hey, I created three kids, and no one's making a big deal of that.
+Not true! Whenever I compliment your virility, you act all weird. And you are very virile.
+Yeah... well just talk about sports!
+No problem. Wish I had that Tom Brady's libido.
+Oh it's amazing how many Cheerios Maggie drops in the back seat.
+Here you go. Put those in the trash, then you can help me unload the dishwasher.
+A minute of fun, a lifetime of work. I've never heard of a pregnancy like this.
+There he is.
+Jenny, this is crazy.
+Nothing's crazy at this point. Are you the boy that makes babies?
+I like to think I'm the boy that makes families.
+See, Jenny. He's just a jerk kid.
+It's just... we've been trying so hard to start a family. With all the money we've spent on I.V.F.... you have no idea...
+Hm, maybe I can help. But it'll cost you.
+How much?
+Five dollars. Plus one dollar haw-haw insurance.
+Trust me, the insurance is worth it.
+BY THE POWER OF THIS PLACE / MAKE A BABY WITH A FACE.
+That's great, really. Really glad we're getting a baby with a face.
+No haw-haw! It worked!
+I'm pregnant!
+Look Bart, I really, I can't believe there's a connection here. But, uh, we have some friends who are in the same dark place we were. Can we give them your name?
+Only if they have five dollars.
+Yes, right. I'll make sure that they have five dollars.
+With them.
+Look, I'm sorry our check bounced, man. I can have the bank teller call you.
+Just give me the cash and you'll get your drivers license back.
+Please keep the chatter down while the Womb Wizard is casting his spells. Ones are appreciated, people.
+BARBECUE SAUCE AND TEDDY BEAR'S EYE / THEY WANT A BABY GOD KNOWS WHY...
+Homie, I can't find my spatula! Can you get another one?
+Flanders! Can we borrow your spatula?!
+That was my spatula!
+And you never bought a replacement?
+Ah, too much aggravation! We just forego flipped food!
+Why you little! I'll teach you to answer peoples' prayers!
+Yeah... y'know, I just don't think we're gonna get in to see him today.
+What is your problem, boy?
+Maybe when I've got a Dad who shows up in the morning with no shirt on and rocks on his face, it sets, I don't know, a low bar?
+Wow. I've gotta take that in. While I do, have some bar nuts.
+Aren't those full of germs?
+Eat the nuts! They're your dinner!
+You guys are comin' with us.
+Not so fast.
+Nobody comes into my bar and kidnaps two paying customers.
+Thanks, Moe, I... huh. Must've left my wallet at home.
+Take 'em! Take 'em! Fill their pockets with corn and toss 'em to the pigs.
+Don't tell us our business!
+Fat Tony?
+That's right, Fat Homer.
+I need your boy to make a baby.
+Do you really need the boy's help to make a baby? Just do a little of the bunga-bunga, and the hotsie-potsie, and the bop-bada-bop-bada-bop.
+You sound like every doctor I've ever been to. But it's not for me. It's for her.
+Meet my filly, Cheesesteak, the love of my life.
+Who has apple breath? You has apple breath.
+And this horse, who I have briefly "borrowed," is the winner of last year's Springfield Stakes -- Rear Admiral. So work your magic and breed me a champion.
+Look, Fat Tony. I don't know what you know about voodoo, but it only works on people. Horses? That's crazy talk!
+You will breed me a champion by morning... or it will be the last sunrise you ever see.
+Don't over-promise, boss. It might be overcast.
+How'd you like a cast over your face?
+Well, as long as there were breathe holes...
+Y'know. Just sayin'.
+Well boy, if there was ever a good time for you to find out where babies come from, in the grossest way possible, with your life on the line, this is it.
+One more thing -- it better be a boy.
+Anything else?
+It would be helpful if he could go undercover with police horses and find out what they know.
+Hey, this is all your fault.
+How is it my fault?
+LET THEM RUCK THE NIGHT AWAY!
+I wouldn't be here if you were more of a role model! Pub crawls, naked Frisbee golf...
+I just did that because it was a series of funny words!
+Well, it's your mediocre fathering that put me on the path to Hell!
+Huh? Maybe you're right, boy. It's time I was a better father. And I'll start by saving us. I just need to facilitate some horse intercourse.
+Come on, buddy. Just make a champion thoroughbred and we're outta here.
+What's his problem?
+Hey, you know, I don't think this guy likes girls.
+Big deal. I don't like girls either.
+Not like that. It's like this. ...Smithers ... ...Mr. Largo... ...Danny Kaye... What? Everyone knows.
+Now where's she going?
+Hey, I know that horse! It's Sudsley! Sudsley Brew-Right!
+That horse was instrumental in me becoming a man.
+Ew. That tastes horrible!
+Beer transformed that cute little boy into the man you see before you.
+Whoa! They like each other!
+You know, pregnant is pregnant...
+What are you talking about?
+We're not lost, boy. Not by a longshot. We just have to set the mood.
+LET THEM PLAY! WE WON'T LOOK, WE'LL TURN AWAY / GO MAKE LOVE, THEN EAT SOME HAY...
+WE'LL BE DEAD...SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD
+BE THAT AS IT MAY
+FAT TONY'S HORSE IS GAY!
+I DO NOT HEAR NO BANGING / NO SOUND OF HORSESHOES CLANGING...
+ROLL IN HAY!
+OR TOMORROW WE WILL PAY!
+I DON'T CARE ABOUT TOMORROW / WE NEED TRUE HORSE LOVE TODAY
+HERE'S A BLANKET THEY CAN BORROW
+I DON'T REALLY MIND AT ALL / BUT WHY MUST I GO MOP THE STALL?
+ROLL IN HAY!
+ROLL IN HAY!
+ROLL IN HAY!
+Ah, young love.
+So, where is the pregnancy test?
+Right here
+What does it say, the Pimlico plus of joy, or the Maryland State fairgrounds minus?
+It's a plus! We're havin' a baby!
+Hey, Salud! I've never seen Johnny Tightlips so happy.
+Simpsons! You're free to go! Louie, drive 'em home.
+Cool, another limo ride!
+The limo's in the shop. We have a loaner.
+Ay carumba
+You monster! My knees will be in my throat!
+There's another way you can go.
+Cheesesteak, a little advice from a mother of three: they'll turn out the same whether you gallop or trot.
+Teach him not to pee during parades. He'll get more work.
+Now that's what I call a modern family.
+The prosecution calls... Sudsley Brew-Right!
+Sudsley, on the night in question, how many did you see the defendant kill?
+Seven in one night?! What kind of a monster could do that?
+A party monster! Drinking the new, convenient Duff seven-pack!
+The Duff Seven Pack -- one more for the road.
+There's nothing symmetrical about flavor!
+So get your seven-pack today!
+It looks wrong, but is oh so right.
+Oh yeah.
+Mom! It's not funny if I can't hear the cats drown in their own barf!
+Why can't kids still watch Captain Kangaroo?
+Culture's in decline! Deal with it!
+Yay! A mess!
+Ooh! Can I lick the ceiling?
+I was making that cake for the block party today! Now there's no choice but to go... store-bought!
+I need a price check on Gramma Shortcut's Store-bought Bundt Cake.
+Keep it! Let's go!
+We got some put-backs.
+Roger dodger, boss!
+Hey, don't turn old man on me!
+You know, I used to be the buyer for the whole chain. Seventy-one stores... you heard of the A. and P.? Well, we were the J. and G. YOU'LL LIKE WHAT YOU SEE AT THE J. AND G.! / THERE USED TO BE THREE BUT WE LOST THE Z. and--!
+If I make out with you will you shut up?
+Eh, give it a shot.
+/ You know, we used to give out gray stamps. Remember green stamps? Ours was gray.
+Attention block party losers -- we are "Ear Poison"!
+THERE WERE BELLS ON A HILL / BUT I NEVER HEARD THEM RINGING / NO, I NEVER HEARD THEM AT ALL /
+We must have the same recipe. "Drive to store. Buy cheap cake. Serves them right." Booth Wilkes-John. My wife and I just moved here from London.
+Marge Simpson. Congratulations on little King George.
+Well, Marge. My wife and I are hosting a get-to-know-you game night on Saturday next. Or as you call it "next Saturday."
+Ooh! Game night?
+You know, adult games. Well not "adult" games. Fun games like "Charades" . Or as you call it, "Pictionary."
+That sounds like fun. I'll just tell Homer and--
+Homer! For the last time, do not drink the Yahtzee dice!
+Ooh, doubles!
+I don't know... we have church the next morning... starts at eleven...
+Oh, we're going to the game night. Moving church to Monday afternoon.
+Well, if you change your mind, please let us know. We could become couples friends. Now let me try some of Ned Flanders' "no-alarm chili."
+You'll only taste the spoon!
+Brilliant!
+Why don't we have any couples friends?
+Because couples friends are a myth, started by restaurants with tables for four.
+I want friends. Any friends.
+Okay, sweetie, I'll call the Van Houtens.
+Not the Van Houtens.
+They're always bragging about their trip to Rome. It was twelve years ago and it was a layover. I want new friends!
+Can I make an observation?
+I'm okay with no friends. It's easier to focus and it'll give me great material for whatever art form I choose. Right now I'm thinking long novella. Goodnight!
+"Okay with no friends." That's the saddest thing I can imagine my daughter saying to me.
+I can think of worse.
+The saddest thing would be if you were driving and texting Lisa, and you hit her. And the last thing she texted, before she died, was "I got your message." G'night.
+They all make good points.
+And now, the moment of truth on "Topiary Wars."
+This "Taj Mahal" should be floated down the Ganges.
+I'm sorry, Cathy. Turn in your shears and ladders.
+Come and get 'em!
+Oh. Thank you. Why was that on the Military History Channel?
+We're going to that game party and we're going to be charming and witty.
+You're not going to eat too much, and we're not going to stay too late.
+You will not sing unless there's a sing-along, and never take the tray out of the caterer's hand.
+Don't be too loud and don't be too quiet. When you're too quiet, you get that psycho look.
+And stay in the living room. Don't go to their kids' room and watch a basketball game.
+Can I check out what toys they have?
+Dinner party at the neighbors'. At least I can drink.
+One drink.
+Walking distance, Marge. I've been looking forward to this all week!
+Don't show your wife this app! Oh no!
+You were charming enough to win me, and that day you didn't have a drink in you.
+Marge, Homer!
+You know, I have more cheeks.
+I'd like you to meet my wife, Wallis.
+Howya doin'?
+Wallis has unearthed the most delightful entertainment to thrill us for hours on end -- it's a murder mystery and we're all suspects!
+Great. I always wanted to try and solve a crime.
+Please, everyone read your bio.
+I am a humble farmer from Yorkshire. Humble I can be!
+That's the spirit! Wallis and I have found this game to provide a full evening of divertissement, building in suspense to a masterful climax. We've rented costumes you'll find accurate to period and conducive to character. We will serve food and wine appropriate to period and palette.
+We've programmed music to cover every dramatic event!
+Hired a Foley artist...
+I believe the mare has a slight limp.
+Yes. Yes! So for the next three hours, I welcome you to the moors of--
+They'll get their blood money.
+Question. It says here the murderer is Admiral Wainsworth. Who's that?
+You've... you... you've given away the game.
+Well, you know--
+Why you--
+Thank you so much! Now Wallis will once again withdraw into melancholia.
+Birth, school, work, death. Worth, drool, shirk, breath. Mirth, cruel, quirk, meth...
+Just so you know, Homer, you were going to be a dashing Russian Count with multiple lovers!
+Well, as we say in Russia: "Goodbye in Russian"!
+Uh, nice night for a walk.
+I'd like to be alone for a while.
+Do you want to be more alone?
+Mm, hm.
+What the?
+That's good.
+Okay, I slept on the couch, and I flipped the sweaty cushions over. What else can I do?
+It's okay. I mean, those people didn't even want us at that party in the first place. I think it's time we learned to live with being ostracized.
+Don't you dare say "ostrich eyes."
+Because... Oh. Oh, okay, okay. What should we do?
+Nothing. I give up. No more dinner parties. Our whole social life will be us watching TV and you going to Moe's.
+Woo-hoo!
+Well, if that's how you think it has to be.
+Yes, for us. But not for Lisa! Never for Lisa. We're going to help her make friends.
+It might be easier with Maggie. She's always getting letters from the Daycare center.
+Those are past-due bills.
+And Lisa will get a friend.
+After this we'll do makeovers!
+So... where are all the friends?
+I don't know! I invited everyone that Lisa's ever met.
+Who are you?
+Gus Huebner. I was on Lisa's coed soccer team two years ago.
+Well, Lisa's going to be here in five minutes, and the only kid who showed up is Gus Frickin' Huebner!
+Watch your mouth.
+Oh! Oh no, you're right, Homer! Abort! Abort!
+Oh, no. I was the only chump who showed up at this train wreck. Well, I'm not leaving till I get a party.
+Fine, fine! Homer! Give him a party!
+Gus Huebner? Is that you?
+I wish. That kid could play youth soccer.
+Are you guys okay?
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I'm fine.
+Yeah. Nothin-- Nothing's going on.
+Right. Right, nothing.
+What's for dinner?
+Pizza. Mmmm.
+Lots of pizza.
+So as her teacher, I was wondering if you could tell me why Lisa has such trouble making friends.
+Marge, this is when I normally eat lunch...so I'll just tell you Lisa is unique...and we're done.
+All right. For some reason, square-dancing is a part of the gym curriculum. Now I'm gonna open the divider to the girls' gym and if you don't find a dance partner within ten seconds, there is something very wrong with you.
+That's tough luck, Lisa. Looks like you're dancin' with Groundskeeper Willie.
+Careful of your toes. I've got me cleats on!
+I'll dance with Lisa.
+Tumi? But you're from the other second grade. We only come together for tornado drills.
+God, I hate square-dancing. It ain't gym class if a fat kid's not crying. Let's do this thing.
+SWING YOUR PARTNER / SWING HER HARD / DO-SI-DO WHILE I BOMBARD
+OH THANK GOD / THE CLOCK SAYS THREE / 'CAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE A PEE
+Finally!
+That was fun.
+Yeah, it kind of was. But I won't push it, I promise. See ya!
+Oh, wait, wait, wait! Um... I was going to "All Sales Vinyl" after school.
+The vintage record store?
+Yeah. You want to come with me?
+At the risk of sounding like a broken record, yes, yes, yes!
+They will fit. They will fit.
+Hmm. Nobody likes jazz that much. Even the guy playin' it had to take drugs.
+It's so much fun to finally have a friend who likes the NPR show "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me" as much as I do.
+So, Carl Kasell, how did the House Minority Whip do on our news quiz?
+Well Peter, he got two out of three right, so he wins me, recording his outgoing message.
+Uh, that's okay, really. No. No, no. Please don't.
+It's not optional.
+See, Marge. Problems will work themselves out if you just leave them alone.
+Want some more smoothie?
+As long as you load up on the kale and chia.
+No one likes veggie smoothies that much. Or at all. Something's fishy about that girl, and I'm gonna follow her till I find out what.
+And I'm gonna help you.
+I think I'll need you back at headquarters manning the phones.
+Great. What do I say?
+Just let 'em ring.
+Got it!
+What do you want?
+I've got two things for you: this envelope will change your life for the low, low price of five dollars, and I'll throw in a piece of great advice. Tempted?
+What's the advice?
+Don't open the envelope.
+Oh God, I'm gonna be sick!
+Mom paid her to be my friend?
+That's mine. It's for my library card.
+You don't want to be here.
+Neither do you!
+Mom, how could you pay someone to be my friend?!
+Answer me!
+I wouldn't say I paid someone to be your friend. I just gave her money for records and ice cream.
+You gave away ice cream?!
+I would've found a friend eventually. You couldn't wait a damn decade until I got into college?
+Lisa. Lisa, wait...
+Oh God, oh God, I'm the smart parent.
+I'm sorry she rejected your "I'm Sorry," cake, but in a way, I'm not. I guess what I'm trying to say is I like cake.
+Marge, don't feel bad. You did what any parent would do.
+No. I think I went too far.
+Let me tell you a little story about a chubby, unpopular boy named Homer.
+Is that the boy you named me after?
+It is you, you idjit! Little Homer had a devil of a time making friends. No one wanted to come visit him...
+So I decided to take matters into my own hands.
+I paid a couple boys, Lenny and Carl, to make my Homer feel loved.
+A relationship I continued to this day.
+You pay Lenny and Carl to be my friends?
+Yes, but Barney's yours for nothin'.
+Hm. Well, that makes me feel better.
+Lisa's door's unlocked!
+Dad, is that story really true?
+I wouldn't pay ten cents to a lion to stop him from eatin' ya!
+Lisa, just say something to me.
+I'm gonna tell every psychiatrist I ever go to what you did.
+A mother's greatest fear.
+Mom, stop! Stop! Stop! I'm sorry!
+Please stop!
+You're not mad anymore?
+I'm fine. Fine! It's funny, but... hurting your feelings made me feel better.
+Try to forget that.
+But when I grow up, I'll find other weird kids and we will have the most intense relationships ever. And I'll always love you.
+Happy Mother's Day.
+Mother's Day?!
+Okay, initially I was just gonna be your friend till I could afford a nice belt. But I like you, Lisa. And I want to keep being friends with you.
+Great! But from now on, we have to be totally honest with each other.
+You're absolutely right.
+I'm not really a vegetarian. Have you ever tried horse meat? They eat it raw in Japan, and--
+Our Lord, Buddha, says the secret of existence is to pass beyond fear.
+My brother is about to meet fear, and as usual, he won't pass.
+Wake up, Lis! It's the last day of school!
+Wake up, Maggs! It's the last day of school!
+Last day of scho-ol! Last day of scho-ol! Found my summer hob-by! Banging pots togeth-er!
+Don't worry, Marge. As a favor to you, I'm enrolling that precious little jerk in this fresh air summer camp.
+That's a prison road crew.
+I did that last summer. I'm not allowed back.
+Goodbye forever, multiplication!
+Needs more numerators.
+Ah, July fourth-- No fireworks?! Can't this stupid city entertain me one night a year?
+The City's broke. The fire department has to raise money by delivering pizza.
+My baby... back ribs!
+Marge, when you're broke, that's when you've got to keep up appearances. The Fourth of July is the one day a year when our city puts on her high heels and tube top, and leans into America's car window. God bless her.
+The last day of school. Field Day. WhEN you learn to balance an egg on a spoon...
+And run with your leg tied to someone who wouldn't talk to you all year.
+Hey! Are you coming to the afterschool pool party?
+Not now.
+Aw, no fair! He actually has three legs!
+You lay off my son Tripod! He won fair and square, just like my twins Wheel and Barrow.
+Now take your brother to the face painting.
+But don't make yourselves up to look all freaky!
+One, two, three... toss!
+The eggs are supposed to be tossed between students, not at the principal. Once more and hurl!
+We will do this until we get it right.
+Look, do you want this to be your last school memory?
+Hey, I have thumbs too!
+I like the Play-Doh that comes out the back!
+See ya next June, Macaroni.
+And now, the climactic Race Around the School. Previous winners include Sideshow Mel, Señora Bumblebee Man...and Olympian Edwin Moses.
+I'll bet your biggest hurdle was leaving your beloved hometown.
+All hurdles are the same size. Man, who is this loser?
+I've got a secret, Bart.
+That's good.
+Wanna know it is?
+My secret is I've been training for this race and no one suspects. Check it out: I'm wearing a dummy tummy.
+I'm gonna win and it'll change my life!
+Wow! Breaking that tape cured your asthma!
+Marvelous! Ha ha ha!
+Ha ha ha!
+Six on Bart Simpson.
+Two on us to win.
+Twenty on Milhouse!
+Milhouse? That's a thousand-to-one odds.
+Perhaps I should take my action to Willie.
+I ain't makin' book no more. I lost the deed to me shack!
+You are late with the rent, Willie.
+I'll have it by Friday, Mr. U.! I swear.
+We can handle your action.
+Betting is now closed.
+And now, the seventy-ninth running of the race around the school!
+Gun in the school!
+Just-just, just go.
+And they're off! We've got a pack of fifth-graders on the rail, Simp-son! holding down the center, while Database and Cosine are still testing the wind speed.
+As the runners go into the first turn, Lewis is in the lead! Followed by Lovejoy's daughter, Fat Tony's nephew, Brockman's little girl, and Jailbird's kid! The Frank Sinatra kid, well, he's doin' it his way! Rounding out the pack are all the kids that we never see. What's this? Milhouse takes the lead?! The same boy who sprained his shoulder doing the Pledge of Allegiance?!
+Uh-oh. If Milhouse wins this race, we're out a fortune.
+Don't worry. The race takes a turn through the trees where no one can see. When Milhouse gets there, you know what to do.
+Oh, yeah. Totally. I mean, it's so obvious.
+Just punch him.
+Exactly. Right in the... nnn... fff... dee...?
+There is no wrong answer!
+Milhouse the boy nobody loves is widening up his lead!
+And what does he have to jump over? Nothing, that's what. I'm outta here.
+Good job, Edwin.
+I'm doing it! I'm doing it! And when I win, I'm changing my name. To something cool, like Winnie!
+Did you come to give me a cup of water?
+The best day of my life just turned into every other day of my life.
+Bart faced a terrible choice: take a beating with his friend or slither off like a coward. And like he did with every multiple choice question he ever saw, Bart chose "B."
+The winner is Bart Simpson!
+Bart won a blue ribbon... but was it worth it?
+Lisa! Bath time!
+Mom! I'm narrating!
+The water's gonna get cold!
+As the pin on the back of the blue ribbon made its way through Bart's shirt and into its housing, the seeds of his comeuppance flew out of the woods.
+Son! What happened to you in the dark place behind the school? Something good?
+I'm afraid I don't remember.
+It looks like Milhouse has traumatic amnesia. He may never remember what happened to him. The most important thing is: the race results are now official.
+Now I've got to look at some severe cases of ice cream headache.
+Help me, Bart.
+Help me, Bart.
+Help me, Bart.
+Why am I having nightmares? I'm no coward.
+A chicken feather? Why would you hand this to me? Oh, you must've figured out I chickened out during the race! Well who are you to judge me?!
+I suck?! You suck!
+While Bart was being outwitted by a baby, something was coming to a boil in our Pop's brainpan.
+Marge, if this stupid, one-reactor town won't put on a fireworks show, I will. I've mapped it out.
+Maybe we should just light sparklers in the back yard.
+I've had my problems with sparklers.
+Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
+Fourth of July fireworks were a different story. They meant more to my Dad than my Mom could ever know.
+It was the one night of every year that he never heard his parents argue. He figured it was because they loved the fireworks just as much as he did.
+I want to take a class!
+I need space!
+With his mom gone, Homer needed a hero. And no one was a bigger hero than the magical little man behind the controls.
+Are you God?
+No, no, but I shoot rockets into his-a face. Here's-a my card. Don't forget to treasure it.
+Now let's see... which pants have that card? board shorts, interested shorts, here we are.
+Kaboom.
+Giuseppe, I want you to come out of retirement for the greatest fireworks show of your career.
+Why do you come here and remind me of a time in my life when I made a-tons of money doing a-what I love?
+If the Expendables movies have taught us anything, it's that people do their best work after they're old and forgotten.
+Well I am younger than Sylvester Stallone. I will do it!
+Hey buddy.
+Bart, my truest friend.
+I brought you a cake. Read it.
+That's an odd message, but who am I to argue with icing? Will you watch "Cassidy the Crocodile" with me?
+Um... that's kind of a baby show.
+It's all I can handle now.
+Henrietta Kitten, will you marry me?
+Meow, meow, maybe!
+Why would a kitten marry a crocodile? Wouldn't it eat her?
+Shush. Suspension of disbelief.
+Friends help friends in trouble.
+No! Turn it off! It's too intense for me!
+Some guys just can't take crocodiles.
+Is it over yet?
+And if you're dissatisfied for any reason, I will refund your money in the form of acorns.
+This "gunpowder." It has a-crystal meth in it.
+Crystal meth? Then what the heck did I sell to them Colombian drug lords?!
+Brandine! We're feudin' with the Escobars again!
+Does that mean I ain't talkin' to Maria?!
+Duh. Yes.
+Homer, we will get the fireworks someplace else.
+The pig's been eaten the C-4 blocks again!
+We've invited a new athlete to join our do-gooding dream team. Please welcome fleet-footed phenom, Bart Simpson.
+Hey everyone. I sure got a lot of attention for winning this year's Race Around the School.
+Completely deserved!
+Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Mel. But I am not here to talk about myself. Milhouse, would you join me at the podium?
+What's going on? Seriously, what, what's transpiring?
+I've gotta set things straight. During that same race, my friend Milhouse was in the lead, when something horrible happened...
+Bart knew the worst thing to do was pile lie upon lie, and that's exactly what he did.
+Rather than try to figure out what happened, Milhouse had the courage to move on. To me, that's a hero.
+Nicely done. Now we will give out free rubber bracelets. Do not wear them to bed. They smell like truck tires. They're disgusting.
+Crotch or forehead?
+Uh... forehead for once.
+Bart Simpson! You ran away when I was getting beat up!
+Bart's a coward!
+He lied to us!
+Stop the tattoo!
+Uh, I could make it a bag of groceries?
+All right, make sure there's some French bread sticking out.
+Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow!
+Look how he runs now!
+So Bart was revealed as a coward, and now it seemed like the whole world was against him.
+Have you ever considered a reverse-equity mortgage?
+Woo hoo!
+That's what put me in this dump!
+Grampa, everyone's callin' me a coward.
+Well, join the club! Anyone who makes it to old age has got to be part coward.
+Come on. You were in World War Two.
+Do you know how I survived D-Day?
+But don't people hate cowards?
+Sure do. But we outlive the brave!
+Leaving us cowards to make time with the heroes' widows!
+After Korea I was drowning in boobies.
+Wow, that sounds pretty sweet.
+Well, there is a price. You wake up sweating in the middle of the night?
+So do I. But I get back to sleep by counting the men I let down. There's Jerry, Izzy, Brooklyn, the O'Donnell boys, the lost ship: P.T.-108, the Poor Buggers of Meatloaf Ridge, the Andrew sisters...
+I understand. You have standards.
+This is an angry sleepover. I'm only doin' it 'cause it was on the books.
+While Bart was in Hell, Homer was happily surrounded by fire and brimstone.
+Okay. Let's make some fireworks.
+Now drive slowly and carefully to my workshop. It's in-a the Cobblestone a-District.
+Oh thank God. A rickety bridge.
+Don't worry. We'll be safe in the gas lamp district.
+Can I pitch something?
+Go ahead.
+That's-a nice.
+Wrong holiday, Charlie Brown.
+We're on it, ma'am!
+Okay, coarse gunpowder... get the ball in there... don't forget the wadding... tamp, tamp, tamp... fine gunpowder in the pan... firing stance, take careful aim... and...
+Not enough tampin', Chief.
+All right, start over. Coarse gunpowder, ball, wadding, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp... fine gunpowder in the pan... c'mon...
+My boy's having a bad night. We should get the show on the road.
+Come on. Let's go. I can't stand to see my family unhappy on America's holiest day.
+Actually, July second is when congress declared independence -- the date that should be celebrated.
+Hey, Super Mario. Don't you tell me about America!
+Idiot! I'm-a right!
+No, you're a-wrong!
+July second! I am quoting John Adams!
+Who the hell is that?!
+Oh dear. The term "target audience" is taking on a sinister connotation.
+Milhouse! This is my chance to make things right!
+What are you up to now?
+Get on that bus! I'll explain during the explosions!
+Don't panic! We'll be okay, as long as the sequence doesn't start.
+Hit Bart's dad in the butt!
+Roger that.
+Did you factor in the wind?
+Don't worry, boys! I'll be with you all the way to Berlin!
+So who Is our hero? I hope it's Carl.
+Nah, no such luck. I was just Tweeting a picture of what I thought was my last meal. Hotdog and French fries!
+Milhouse is our unlikely savior!
+Quit explainin' everything! / Let him talk!
+Well, it wasn't me. It was Bart who...
+...saw everything you did! Milhouse is the hero! Take it from me, the boy who's lied throughout!
+Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse!
+Oh, I get it now. Thanks, Bart.
+So Milhouse got the redemption he deserved... and so, in a way, did Bart.
+Cow-ard! Cow-ard! Cow-ard!
+Which meant that at long last, my brother could get a good night's sleep.
+Oh, enough doom and gloom!
+Look, Maggie. I undid my deed. So I'm just gonna take your feather and say goodnight.
+Where are these coming from?
+Ohhh. I see -- that's all you wanted.
+How's that, kiddo?
+SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH
+THE HONESTY, SHE'S-A TOO MUCH
+AND I HAVE TO CLOSE MY EYES AND HIDE
+I WANNA HOLD YOU TILL I DIE
+One more year, tops.
+I live-a longer than you! I taking a "senior spin" class. Always increasing the tension!
+Then burn on you, 'cause you'll be holding onto a dead guy!
+I WANNA HOLD YOU TILL THE FEAR IN ME SUBSIDES
+Believe me, if you're holding a three-hundred-pound dead guy, fear is not gonna be your problem.
+Congratulations, you have ruined a beautiful song.
+It's a song? I thought we were just riffing.
+I apologize to Dan Hill and all of our viewers.
+I don't!
+Usher! Will you stop that person who's shushing?!
+Three feet, nine inches. That should do it.
+Don't you know what kind of animal we're dealing with?
+Okay, enough theory.
+Hey, Dad! We made popcorn!
+Out of my reach? Must... make... effort...
+Mr. Simpson, you earned this.
+What's on TV?
+Krusty's getting roasted tonight.
+Sometimes the language on these gets a little B-L-U-E.
+If you don't let us watch, we'll just go to a house where some more permissive parents will.
+How permissive?
+Chief Wiggum shows us crime photos at sleepovers.
+So this is what a body looks like after it drops sixty stories. Come on, Milhouse. Don't pretend you're asleep. This is the world we live in! Yeah.
+Hey Krusty, our local deli just named a sandwich after you, it's called the unfunny comedian.
+You will always be remembered for your countless appearances on the Krusty the Clown show and your one appearance on "To Catch A Predator."
+Hey! I've spent a lifetime making people happy.
+Yeah, plastic surgeons and divorce lawyers!
+I was just about to say that! He took my laugh! Screw it, I'm doing it anyway! "Plastic surgeons and divorce lawyers!"
+What a legend, Krusty the Clown is to comedy what Martin Luther King is to comedy.
+We've seen a lot of top-flight comics tonight, but that's over, because it's time to hear from Krusty the Clown. Welcome, Krusty. I grew up watching you. Oh, uh, sorry. I threw up watching you.
+Sarah Silverman.
+I say this with love, you disrespectful skank. You've... had more... suddenly, I don't feel like doin' this.
+Sorry, Mini-ha-ha. Cancelling the bit. Tell the others.
+I thought this night would be fun for me and my friends. I don't even know these people.
+And I guess I don't have any friends. My only comfort is the roast is over and will only be shown four times a day for the rest of all time.
+Krusty...is your nose red because it's embarrassed to be seen with you?
+Nobody warned me this roast would treat me the same way as every roast I've seen, and laughed at!
+"...and the husband says 'who paid you a nickel?' And the wife says 'Everybody'"!
+Oh, sorry, wrong for this audience. I thought Swapper Jack's was something else.
+Krusty, sorry about the roast. They had no right to say those hilarious things.
+How can they say I'm past my prime? Me! The voice of Ovaltine!
+Krusty, why don't you talk to your Dad? He'll cheer you up. He's a Rabbi. He must've learned something from that giant star scroll he's always reading.
+Kid, does talking to your Dad make you feel better?
+Well no... but he's not a rabbi. More of a Flabbi.
+Why you little! I'll show you who's a Flabbi!
+All right, you're not a Flabbi! Okay! I got it!
+All muscle. In Minnesota I'd be a supermodel!
+...So basically, I came here so you could tell me the truth, that I'm great.
+As the Torah says: "Judgment belongs to God".
+The Torah also says you can't eat ham and I'm the spokesman for HamCo Ham.
+This is why I only call you on Christmas and Easter.
+Wait, wait, wait! Please, Dad. Do you even think I'm funny?
+I'm not gonna lie to you, for funny, I prefer Rabbi Rudenstein.
+He puts the ha in Hanukah and the levity in Leviticus!
+No, no, it's a big thing.
+Yes, son. We can.
+As for you, son, if you want to know my honest opinion of you, you've always been... eh.
+I've always been Eh... ntertaining? Dad?
+Show me nose fog!
+Oh God he's dead! And he never lived to see me be successful!
+"A pusten fas hilcht hecher" "An empty barrel reverberates loudly". And today, my heart is that barrel.
+Even though my father and I had our difficulties he was a great man... and... well... he always...
+Eh. Eh. Eh.
+Look, I'm an entertainer. So maybe the best way to say how I feel about my Dad is through a song, that someone else wrote, that I hired people to sing. This is for you, Dad!
+HE FOUGHT / AND FOUGHT / AND FOUGHT FOR JEWISH RIGHTS / WISDOM SOUGHT / STUDENTS TAUGHT / RABBI KRUSTOFSKY'S GONE!
+It's just... I thought... seriously, it can be really tough to lose your father.
+Yasher Co-ack.
+Let us all please rise.
+Homer, get up!
+Huh? Oh.
+Dad, are you okay?
+Yeah, yeah, great. I guess my getting-up days are over.
+Dad, you're eating too much! I'm worried about your health! I don't wanna lose you!
+Krusty, I brought some homemade chicken soup. We used the Play-Doh maker for the matzo.
+Thanks, but I don't really like soup.
+But you wear that little spoon around your neck.
+Huh... you really notice stuff, don't you?
+Yes. And I can tell how hard it was to lose your father. But at least you were there to share his final thoughts.
+No, that's what he called me. Eh.
+Well... it could be worse.
+Oh yeah? How?
+I don't know. Uh... how about... That's a lot worse!
+Can you stop comforting me now?
+Krusty, condolences on your loss.
+So this is the Bob whose comedic genius I can never live up to.
+Believe me, all of us have thought about killing him.
+Clowns have it tough, Krusty. I understand. I was Professor Pickles with Ringling Brothers for several years.
+The elephant and I had our differences.
+So, what brings you here, and don't say "clown car."
+I'm a sad, tragic clown like what's his name, Liberace.
+Tell me about your father, huh?
+Herschel! Did you read your Exodus?
+Oh, uh, oh, sure.
+Really? Then tell me, what did the Burning Bush say?
+It said "Ow! Put me out! How many talking bushes do you think there are?!"
+My son, you are a big needy nothing that only laughs can fill!
+I don't need laughs!
+Thank you. Thank you.
+A big, needy nothing.
+Wow. Wow. Krusty, would you like a therapy dog?
+Yeah... with extra relish. Hey-hey! I still got it. Huh?
+Yes, if by "it" you mean reflexive denial of your inner sadness.
+Hey-hey.
+Shut up, children!
+Boys and girls, you know that we've been dark for a couple of days because of a tragic loss in the Krustylu family. Now put your hands together for the man who's falling apart before our eyes, Krusty the Clown!
+No monologue. Roll the cartoon.
+Oh, my God. Who made this monstrosity?
+I did everything!
+Kids... I'm experiencing a crisis of conscience.
+No, no, no, no! I don't deserve the pre-recorded applause of children long gone.
+I like Ike!
+Therefore, I'm quitting the show. And I know Mel will be quitting it with me.
+Yes, yes, buy the house. It will be-- What?!
+Today is the day the pity laughter died. Krusty the Clown has retired.
+For a brief overview of a half century of ha-has, here is Channel Six T.V. critic Clive Meriwether.
+Krusty the Clown will perhaps best be remembered for taking up two spots in the Channel Six parking lot.
+On a personal level, he used to call me Little Lord Tingaling. I shan't miss that. This man's only lasting legacies are a law in his name limiting the working hours of chimpanzees to fourteen hours a day, and the invention of the payment of alimony by dropping hot pennies from a helicopter. I give his life a D-plus. Good day to you.
+What will Krusty do now? I suppose only time will tell. Which is true for all news stories, I guess. Until anyone realizes, I'm Kent Brockman adding no useful information. And here's another sentence. You can tell I'm winding it up because my voice is going up and down like this.
+Well, at least now I'll have plenty of time to solve this Rubik's Cube.
+Mom? Dad?
+Yes, Lisa?
+I've been listening, and Dad stops breathing for as long as five minutes. Mind if I sleep with you guys and keep an eye on him?
+Sweetie, you shouldn't have to worry about such things.
+The doctor gave us this machine to help him breathe in his sleep. Go to bed. I'll take care of him.
+/ No good, no good. What do I do? What do I do?
+/ Oh! Breathe, Homie, breathe!
+Well, at least Teeny's doin' okay. He's in "The Odd Couple" with David Hyde Pierce.
+Now really, Oscar, would it kill you to use a coaster?
+If you're going to go up there, at least dust!
+Finally, done the way I first imagined it!
+I'm gonna prove you did groundbreaking work. Krusty, I want you to binge-watch all the shows you've ever done.
+Well, I've never said no to a binge.
+Hippocampus? Isn't that another name for the University of Mississippi?
+Okay. I've been on fifty years, you're bound to repeat yourself a little.
+...unless I wanted to get sat on by Mama Cass / ...unless I wanted to get sat on by Dom DeLuise / by the cast of "What's Happening" / William "The Refrigerator" Perry everyone! / Newman from "Seinfeld" / the whale from "Whale Rider" / Adele! What? She's a guest star?!
+So that's why all my cameramen have P.T.S.D.!
+Where's my whiskey funnel!
+Young man, you should go. When the master is like this, it is no place for children.
+Pour, Helga!
+It begins.
+Where am I?
+Why you're in Jewish Heaven!
+Oh, this place is great! Why, my necktie straightens itself!
+Even Portnoy has no complaints! And I tell ya... I get so much respect.
+Wow. So I made it to Heaven.
+This place is amazing!
+Schmuck! There is no Jewish Heaven!
+Our faith teaches that once you're dead -- that's it! Kaput! It's dark, it's cold, it's like that apartment we lived in before I started doing weddings. But you, my son, remain...
+Go back to earth! Do something with your life! Help people!
+Help people! Help people!
+Nothing. Not getting' a pulse.
+I gotta change my life!
+Still no pulse. I guess I'm just really bad at this.
+I'm afraid Lisa's getting obsessed with keeping her father out of danger. She's gotten our Resusci-Annie doll to breathe on its own.
+In this new shelter we provide a home for animals put out of work by Cirque du Soleil.
+Um, Krusty! Have you fulfilled the promise you made to your father in the dream you never told anyone about?
+No. Somehow a brief act of uncharacteristic generosity solved nothing.
+Hey, Krusty.
+What? Have you been going to temple?
+Yeah. And I've learned that all religions are equally boring. But there's a reason I went. Come and see.
+Kid, there's no way you can cheer me up. Not when whiskey, good deeds and hookers failed.
+Who's a hooker?
+Um... with me, it's easier to say which ones aren't hookers.
+Lisa, what are you doing?
+Wrapping you in bubble wrap. I can't always be around to protect you, so it will.
+Oh Lisa, honey, you can't insulate yourself from life. Why I could live till a hundred or a bus could hit me tomorrow. That's why I never plan more than four seconds ahead.
+I guess you're right.
+Now come on, give Daddy a hug.
+Bubble wrap!
+Your daughterly love saved me, sweetie!
+That's all I wanted: a tiny bit of control.
+I suppose we should exchange insurance information. I don't have any.
+Me neither.
+Then we have the same company. They'll work it all out.
+Rabbi Rudenstein. Your father's favorite.
+Today's reading is from Deuteronomy... which I believe is the study of deuters.
+Hey, that's my joke! Eh, must be a coincidence.
+Eh, but before we begin...
+I'd like to quote the burning bush which said "Hey, put me out. How many talking bushes do you think there are?" Hey-hey.
+Me again! So if Dad loved his jokes, then...
+Dad loved my jokes.
+Yeah, I guess he just hated your delivery.
+He loved my jokes!
+My father respected me but could never tell me. That's Jewish Heaven.
+JEWISH HEAVEN
+WE'RE A FATHER AND A SON WHO DIDN'T SPEAK.
+BUT UP HERE WE FOUND THE HAPPINESS WE SEEK
+AND I CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU JOIN ME NEXT WEEK
+Just this once, you think you could turn water into a Bloody Mary?
+I'll tell ya, you're all right, you know?
+Krusty, let's face it, you might not be cutting edge anymore, but your show still does really great in that key demo of people who died with the TV on.
+Ugggghhhhh.
+We are doing something -- we're empathizing.
+Of course Krusty's responsible for Itchy and Scratchy, which is also what he calls his testicles.
+Well, it wasn't easy, but we managed to watch every testicle fail video on the internet.
+Now to leave a great comment. "LOL... that's... got-ta... hurt."
+I guess there's nothing left to do but go outside and play. Wait, a sponsored link!
+Well, they did everything they could to stop us, but we hacked through anyway.
+They thought the party was over.
+After party!
+Brief nudityyy!
+I thought we installed parental blocking software on all our computers.
+I don't know what that stuff blocks.
+Mammogram appointment.
+I told you to clean your room and instead you're watching chest videos! Look at all those bowls of half-eaten cereal!
+The cereal on the bottom gets soggy.
+I know how cereal works. Now clean your room.
+Why should I? It's just gonna get dirty again.
+I'm in charge. You do what I say.
+I'll get to it when I get to it.
+That better not mean what it means when I say it.
+Maybe you two are more similar than you'd like to admit.
+We're not similar. I love being told what to do by someone who's wise in the ways of the world! Love it!
+Here's what I would do... in the middle of the night, clean Bart's room for him, then in the morning thank him for cleaning his room.
+Simpson!
+You poor woman. Dealing with Bart has turned your mind to ketchup water. You rest. I'll be the boy's father now.
+Hm, I'm not feelin' it.
+Why do I need to eat broccoli?
+Look, I'll drink another glass of milk.
+Milk. That's for babies and old guys who can't sleep at night because of what they did in the war. Broccoli.
+You are not leaving this table until you eat that broccoli. And I'm going to sit right here until you do.
+Pfft. You'll never out-sit me.
+The sit is on.
+Eat your broccoli.
+Eat your broccoli.
+They've been at it all night.
+I know, but they're not gonna waste a whole Saturday inside.
+Today's our draft! I've got to pick a good fantasy team! When I lost last year they made me do something so humiliating...
+Jebus loves Tebow.
+And so... the fat man caves. If you need me, I'll be up in my room eating cereal. Half a bowl of cereal.
+Marge, I want you, my wife, to draft my fantasy football team.
+I-- I don't really know that much about--
+I've never seen moves like that!
+And never will again!
+Today, I wear the vest. Haw. Haw.
+Now I am never eating that broccoli.
+This has got to stop! If you don't go to work you're going to get fired!
+I can get another job! Who wouldn't want to hire a man who won't back down? I could be a prison warden or a southern anything.
+I've got an idea... but I'll need that broccoli.
+These two fruit smoothies look and taste exactly the same. One of them, however, has the broccoli blended in.
+Bart picks one of the smoothies and drinks it -- maybe he had the broccoli, maybe he didn't. No one knows, so neither of you has given in, and this horrible impasse can come to an end.
+Uh, works for me.
+I'm in.
+Oh, thank God.
+Oh no, the broccoli!
+You did that on purpose! You lick this table clean!
+Come on. Lick it!
+C'mon, lick it!
+You can still lick it!
+I'm afraid Homer and Bart's problems are beyond our power to solve.
+There's only one thing left to try.
+Where are we?
+I don't know. Eat your broccoli.
+We're on an old-time boat!
+We've been kidnapped!
+Not kidnapped, shanghaied!
+Relation Ship. It works two ways. Pretty good. Pret-ty good.
+Hey lame ass. Thanks to you, we're stuck on a stupid therapy boat.
+I'm the lame ass? The only lame ass on this boat is you and all the other lame asses.
+Should we do something?
+Now can we respect each other?
+Ooo, I'm getting a message from your father's fantasy football league. I must still be logged in as him.
+Lenny used the uck-word!
+Mom, it's trash talk. You know how guys say mean things to their friends, the way women say nice things to their enemies.
+Well I don't like this trash talk. And I'm gonna do something about it. Even if I have to bring in the big guns.
+Dear Lord, please help Homer's friends understand that make-believe computer football is no excuse for using the internet to be mean.
+It's everywhere.
+And now, a moment of silence for the victims of the Shelbyville sinkhole...
+The Wi-Fi! The Wi-Fi! I've got to take out the Wi-Fi!
+She's under a lot of stress. Her husband's at sea.
+WHO WANTS TO SING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS? / WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST AND SING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS? / I'LL GO FIRST AND SING ABOUT MY FEELINGS / I'M SO HAPPY TO BE SINGING... Now, Homer!
+So, Cletus... Gitmo. What brings you fellas to The Relation Ship?
+Why won't you let me fail?!
+What about you, Bart... Homer? Homer?
+What does that mean?
+Mainly climbing. Except for Wednesday night, when we project a movie on the sails. But really, a lot of climbing.
+Sheep shank, bowline, clove hitch...
+Dad, look! I did a round turn with two half hitches.
+Wait a minute... windswept hair, rugged tan, rough, calloused hands. You're enjoying this, aren't you?
+So what if I am?
+You're my son and you will hate what I hate. Angled parking. Lemons. Kickstarters by famous guys who already have lots of money. And this boat!
+I'm old enough to choose my own things to hate. And the things I like! And I like being a sailor.
+Betrayed by my worst enemy. I never would have seen it coming.
+Why, Bart! That's a perfect halyard cleat!
+Just like you taught me, Captain. Over, under, over, under, over, under, under, under, over, over, over, over, over, over, over, under, over, half hitch.
+Well, the standard form is under, over, under, over, under, under, under, under, under, over, over, under, under, under, around, over, over, under...
+Fathers, sons... together we've made a lot of progress on this voyage.
+I learned that left is called "port"!
+I finally got over my sea sickness.
+That's right, Mr. Midshipman.
+I'm sorry we had to discipline you. On the positive side, you won't miss out on the father/son hornpipe dance.
+I hate the Golden Age of Sail.
+Officer on deck!
+I'm in charge. You do what I say.
+Fine. I'll swab whatever you say. Look, I'm swabbing the deck. I'm swabbing this giant tree that the sail grows out of. Oh! I'm swabbing the top of the ocean.
+Ooo! Swab, swab, swab--
+What the?
+Fantasy football has turned every man in this town into a trash-talking monster!
+Mas cowbell!
+There's only one thing that will shut these guys up. You gotta beat one of them at fantasy football.
+Then that's what I'm gonna do.
+That doesn't match my phone!
+Lakwando's mind won't be on the game. Aaaand benched.
+And now to make my big move.
+There would be no funeral.
+An eighty-five yard field goal? You gotta be kidding me! Refresh! Refresh!
+...despite her breathtaking ignorance and a powerful dislike of the sport, a rookie housewife had been defeated by a savvy veteran...
+Ahoy Midshipman. I hope your voyage on The Relation Ship is proving interpersonally fruitful.
+I don't know. It's really hard when someone doesn't respect your authority.
+Epiphany ho. And I'm sure your father has been doing some growing and learning of his own.
+Yi-yo-yu!
+I love this boat, with all its pullies and flappies and... everything has a name.
+You know what, Homer? I always wanted to eat a parrot. What's the big deal? It's just like a green chicken.
+Yeah...
+But fortune did not favor The Relation Ship, as the same winds that lofted Marge's fantasy field goals to victory now sent gales of doom toward this vessel of questionable therapeutic value.
+Why is the Captain just juggling?
+Okay, okay. I can do this. I can do this. Someone count me in!
+I said count me in!
+Don't worry, I'll radio the coast guard for help.
+The therapy bears! Look out for the therapy bears!
+I'm a-comin' bears!
+Now I'm the ship's highest ranking officer. It's up to me to get us to shore.
+Dad! We can make it to harbor if we can just sail around that lighthouse!
+Are you crazy? We'll never make it! Drop the anchor and wait out the storm!
+No, we need to sail!
+I'm dropping the anchor!
+Can't you just do what I say?!
+You've never done what I say! Ever!
+Awaiting your orders, Mr. Midshipman!
+Put up the storm jib and haul in the main sheet!
+Aye-aye, sir.
+Another success story for The Relation Ship.
+So, did your sailing adventure help you work out your issues?
+Does this answer your question?
+Yar. Quite a hornpipe thar be. But, eh, surely you would never have gone on a sea adventure without your old friend, The Sea Captain.
+Yar. That's gonna hurt for a long time. Yar.
+MY NAME IS JOSEPH BOWDITCH FROM A SEAPORT KNOWN AS MYSTIC / I SAIL AT DAWN BOUND FOR CAPE HORN AND COUNSELING HOLISTIC / WE'LL WORK YOUR CONFLICTS OUT THROUGH SAILING'S THERAPEUTIC POWERS / THE FRESH WATER IS LIMITED SO PLEASE COMBINE YOUR SHOWERS
+WAY HEAL AWAY! / WE'LL HEAL AWAY JOE
+I GOT A BAD SUNBURN AND I WAS CRAPPED ON BY A SEAGULL / I DON'T SEE ANY LIFEBOATS AND I DON'T THINK THAT IS LEGAL
+WAY HEAL AWAY! / WE'LL HEAL AWAY JOE!
+You're never bored paintin' the Lord.
+Daddy, could you help us with our school project?
+We're huntin' vampire appliances!
+Say no more.
+Well, we pulled more plugs than a Dutch doctor. Now let's take a trip to the side of the house.
+Why that's a higher power than even I believe in. What is going on?
+Hey! I was listenin' to that!
+Absolutely not.
+Really, really, really?
+My one weakness: the third "really." Come with me.
+But that's so many sandwiches!
+Turn right here. I keep this frozen meat in case society collapses but we still have power.
+Homer! This is my freezerino.
+Seriously, I am getting so tired of those stupid Flandersisms.
+It's the name of the freezer!
+Okily Dokahama?!
+Right next to Mount Fu-Gee, I'm glad to see ya!
+It's all gonna thaw!
+Don't you give up on me!
+I'll cook this meat, cut it up, and make it into sandwiches.
+And I will wait and worry!
+...so, I cooked the meat, sliced it up, made sandwiches, cut off the crusts, fed those to the dog...
+Aw, somebody wants more crusts. Here you go, boy!
+Here ya go. Have some more.
+Still hungry, buddy?
+Dad, dogs don't know when to stop eating.
+Oh Marge, once again you've taken one of my screw-ups and turned it into food. Man, if only you could do that with Bart.
+Mo-om! Dad's imagining me as food again!
+He does it to all of us.
+Can someone put butter on me?
+Familyicious.
+C'mon, where's that butter?
+Hey mom, can you pack me a dozen sandwiches in my lunch tomorrow? Meat, no meat, it's all good.
+Sandwiches, Mom. Fill 'er up. And the garment bag.
+What's going on? Are you kids eating your feelings?
+No, whenever anything bothers me I harmlessly vent it to Maggie.
+I smash fluorescent lights at the gravel pit.
+Kids love 'em. We trade them at school.
+They replaced cigarettes as our currency.
+Bubble gum cigarettes?
+Yeah, sure.
+What are you doing here, freezer stealer?
+Ned's letting us use his freezer to store the extra sandwiches.
+Well, I felt a little guilty for taking back what belonged to me.
+Woo hoo! Flanders isn't perfect!
+Never claimed to be.
+Yeah! And aren't!
+Marge, see this face? It's opportunity! Blink and you'll miss it.
+Just kidding. I'm right behind you. I'm Trudy Zengler, vice president of development for "Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboards."
+How would you like to run your own business? Take control of your financial future!
+Homie, how much money do we have put aside in case something happens to you?
+If that flashback you just described is true, you can't afford not to open this franchise.
+I'm in.
+Wow, Mom! You're gonna open a sandwich store?!
+Uh-huh!
+Mom, if you're gonna do this, there's one thing I need to know. And be honest. What's your soda refill policy?
+All you can drink... if you buy a jumbo cup.
+Careful, Marge, that's how I bankrupted a Pizza Hut.
+Mmm, that's good. More, more! Refill! Free!
+I...I just, I-- where is it going?
+My store. My offset spatula! Mine!
+Well, well, well. Seems like someone forgot there's a Krustyburger two blocks away.
+Go ahead, Teeny. Show 'em what we did to Arby's.
+She did the one thing I never could. Feed him.
+You're a cool customer, Marge. And we've got your back. With everything from pre-sliced tomatoes, to the homey needlepoint on the walls.
+And now, the best part of running your own franchise -- picking your Sammy Fammy! You'll want to avoid that.
+Your monkey just ate all my turkey.
+Do you want some monkey meat to replace it?
+It's low-fat.
+As you can see, I was just two credits short at Southern Illinois, and-- I gotta be honest with you, Marge. I need this job bad.
+You seem to have had, and lost, a lot of jobs.
+God, it's a new world, Marge. A whole new world. Why my Dad spent his whole life at one company. Started in the basement mailroom, and ended his career jumpin' out the window from the top floor.
+He was wearing this suit!
+Corpse suit.
+I'm not sure this is going to work out.
+Oh, I get it. You won't hire me because I'm pretty. That can be a lawsuit.
+No lawsuit! You're hired!
+Okay, so, I don't want to do anything that'll ruin my manicure.
+Well, what do you want a job for?
+So I can get manicures. Duh!
+Professor... could you say "Welcome to Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboard" without making any other noises?
+Would it kill one of you to wash a bell pepper?
+Of course I can, my dear child. Welcome to... Mother Hubbard's... uh... Sandwich mcboing boing glavin flyvy hyvy goyvyn and now I'm running to the Unemployment Office.
+I'm too nervous to sleep.
+I'm sorry I woke you up. I'm just so anxious about tomorrow. What if the store fails? What if I fail?
+Well, you woke up the right man in bed.
+I love you, Marjorie. And I've had my share of failures, sure. And sometimes I get pretty nervous. But thanks for talking it out with me. I think I can finally get to sleep now.
+No! No, no, no! It was me that couldn't get to--
+Make love now?
+Say there, buddy... are ya interested in our Two-For-One Tuesday?
+I never would have been, till I got this flyer!
+Interested in some exotic dancers, huh? Today's "Tell You Their Real Name" Tuesday.
+Are you working two jobs here, Gil?
+No, and I resent the accusation.
+Tell me. It's pointing west, right?
+Hello! No change for the meter.
+No, no, I'd like to see the manager.
+Mrs. Boss! Some fat blob wants to see you.
+Marge, come on, let's celebrate! It's your first day!
+Homie, I'm a little worried. Do you know there were no customers between two and four?
+You're supposed to be driving me to a tennis class I said I wanted then I changed my mind and I hate it so much I'm faking stomach aches to get out of it.
+Hey, Tony Roma's wasn't built in a day. But don't worry. I told everyone about this place and they're all going to support you. You do have drone delivery, right? I kinda promised that.
+We don't have drone delivery! You'll have to find a substitute!
+Dammit!
+What's wrong?
+Mother Hubbard Central expects you to buy a lot of stuff from them. Uniforms, fixins... it's like they don't care if you make money as long as they make money. What kind of corporation does that?
+And I'm not trying to be political, but I'm the only one you can trust here.
+Shauna! I saw that! I'm going to have to let you go.
+Oh, so you're like firing me like in that movie where that girl gets fired?
+I'm sorry.
+If I'm fired, then he's quitting!
+What am I going to do? I'm down two employees and it's the afternoon rush!
+I need a six-foot party sub. Lots of mayonnaise. And I mean lots. Never stop squirting mayo.
+Don't worry, baby.
+Thank you, Homie.
+Why, why does this have to be so hard?
+Oh, uh... sorry there, Marge.
+This is my changing room.
+You are working two jobs!
+No, these are my real legs. I'm --I'm not a well man, Marge.
+This is so sad. In his homeland, Dad was a nuclear engineer.
+I was short-staffed and your father volunteered. Actually, I was wondering if you two might want to lend a hand.
+No, no. You want to make American kids work?
+Um, I'm not sure this is the best use of my skills.
+I said wash! And Bart, go work the deep fryer.
+Well, if I'll be doin' this when I'm forty, might as well start now.
+I'm home!
+Guys, this is gonna be hard for a while, but we'll get through this... as a family.
+Yes we will. The Simpsons and Old Uncle Gil.
+Gil, I've been meaning to tell you, you're fired.
+Guess I had it comin'. Can I take some baloney heels?
+As many as you like...
+You sure?
+Take 'em!
+Aw, yeah! A big ol' fat one!
+Good baby.
+Oh yeah. Real good baby.
+Good everybody. You won't believe it but we actually turned a profit today.
+Kids, we're taking some shredded lettuce, pre-sliced cheese, and cold cuts and turning them into the American dream.
+Uh, guys... what the hell is that?
+They're opening another Mother Hubbard -- across the street?! How could they? How could they?!
+Move, move, move!
+Uh, Chief, uh, who you fooling with this one sandwich a day diet?
+It's on whole wheat, Lou. Cleans up your insides.
+I'm gonna sit next to it.
+How could they open another franchise so close to me?
+Don't worry, Marge. They can't beat us. Because we're family-run.
+Hillbillies!
+Okay, in you go, Minimum Wade, Addem-up, Oxycontin, Fontanelle, and Pediculus. You make way for those that's nocturnal comin' off the night shift.
+Mom, I need a few hours off. It's Milhouse's birthday party and I'm all the guests.
+I understand, honey. Did you get someone to cover?
+Grampa.
+I'm workin' the drive-thru!
+There is no drive thru!
+Finally! A customer!
+Simpson! Why aren't you at work?
+Hold that famous temper, Smithers, Who is this?
+Simpson, introduce me to this almond-eyed beauty, and all is forgiven.
+Uh, Mr. Burns, I'd like you to meet... Mother Hubbard standee.
+From the Wisconsin Standees! Milk-fed, yet so slim. Permit me to play you a tune on my mouth organ.
+Sir, maybe we should go.
+Sorry you died! Put the body with the others.
+Homer, if I ever seem that senile, get a gun and... What are you doing with that gun?!
+Marge, have you ever seen pants do this?
+You're working so hard you've lost weight! We're killing ourselves trying to run a restaurant no one goes to... I've never said this to you before, but I'm saying it now. I'm going to Moe's.
+Now I know why Homie comes here so much. No matter how sad you are inside, what you see looks worse.
+Yeah. It was really hard for me to make this place look old but not in any way comfortable. Now maybe some TV'll cheer ya up.
+If yous in the mood for a sammich, come on down to Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboard Express, for all the sandwiches you love!
+Bread sammich...
+Yesterday's whatsit with ketchup...
+And the thing what ate our chickens.
+Looks like a fox, but it ain't.
+Be sure to follow us on Kinterest and Critter!
+Yesterday's Whatsit? Why does everyone go to them?
+It's express, Marge.
+Yeah with our busy lifestyle, we gotta have express.
+Uh, listen there, Midge. I know how to get youse outta your contract. But I gotta warn ya...
+You will never work in the fast-food industry again.
+Go on. Please.
+So you see, Ms. Zengler, the Mother Hubbard's Express across the street is stealing all our business. It's not fair.
+If you want fairness, work at a Sunglass Hut. This is the sandwich game.
+I don't understand you.
+I grew up in the pageant system.
+Oh. Now I completely understand you.
+I'm a litigious business man and I need a coffee to go.
+One jumbo Joe to go!
+Get the first aid kit!
+One Florence Nightingale in a box and make it snappy!
+I got this.
+Why do these things happen to innocent victims? I was just about to become a million dollar crotch model!
+Hey, hey, hey. It's not Corporate's fault.
+Really? But the franchise agreement says Mother Hubbard Inc. would provide adequate training for all employees, which they didn't. Clause twenty-seven C-3.
+You actually read this thing? It was written by two lawyers who had to keep waking the other one up.
+He who reads this rune translation / will be taken to damnation.
+If you'll just give me back my original investment, I'll take full responsibility for this man's injuries.
+Please tell me I'm still beautiful!
+All right, Marge, you've got a deal.
+Well, family, we should be proud. We took on corporate America and broke even.
+Hear hear!
+Sir... I... I think we've gone far enough... to dispose of the body.
+Dispose?! I've come here to pitch woo.
+Mmm. Sandwich.
+I don't get lost anymore!
+...spreading the rumor that today's lunch would be served by a naked lady...
+I wanna see boobs in the soup.
+Yes, yes, I-I knew that.
+There's no hope for you, Simpson. You'll be locked in detention until you graduate to the penal system.
+Stop laughing! I said "penal" not "penile".
+Penile.
+It's not like you made me say "penis"!
+Ow! Oh, someone could get really hurt by this.
+Stick your finger in that desk.
+Really Bart?
+Hm, looks like ancient Aramaic. Fortunately, I have an app for that.
+Huh?! We're in Hell?! Cool! Now I can look up all those people who said "See you in Hell"!
+Hey pal, what are you in here for?
+Heresies... like Docetism!
+Docetism?
+The belief that Jesus' body was just an illusion. Is that still big?
+Haw-haw! Your heresies were venialized by the council of Palermo.
+Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up!
+We've got millipedes, toothheads, screaming torsos...
+...your bleeding eyes with finger-legs... and all the girls are mean girls.
+Red dress, how original.
+Making fun of someone's clothes. How original.
+You wanna walk with us?
+It's true! It would be a cold day in Hell when I was popular.
+Skin-him!
+Someone who robs a bank. How would you punish them for all time? Jeffistopheles?
+Uh... wh-whipping?
+Okay... good. No one likes to be whipped, but is there anything more connected to the sin?
+Torture?
+Good. Very good!
+Psychological torment. Pain plus fear. Oh, can you all feel how much richer that is? You get a pumpkin sticker.
+Ow! This has never happened before! I have a crush on my teacher!
+Down here we can make that happen.
+Every time the sinner screams in pain, the scream blows this windmill, which pumps even more piranhas into his aquarium underwear... causing more screaming.
+Wow. Wow. Oh, that is so evil -- and I know evil! I'm head of the teachers' union.
+Bart! I found a portal back to Earth.
+Right here?
+No! No! No! No! That's Super Hell!
+Hot Stuff? I didn't realize you were that evil.
+No, I'm being punished for how lame my comics were.
+I melted it. Get it?
+Welcome to Earth, local time is ten-thirty-seven, we know you have your choice of portals so thank you for choosing the Burns Hellport, a division of Gulf and Western.
+Mom, Dad... I want to change schools!
+I found a place that really wants to teach me, and I really want to learn.
+Homie! Our prayers have been answered!
+Keep your pants on, Marge. It's probably some private school that costs a million dollars a year -- and then they squeeze you for extra money through "book fairs" and "silent auctions." And parents get twenty emails a day from the school, and everyone hits "reply all" to everything!
+Dad, it's not a private school. It's free.
+Oh, that's fine then.
+I couldn't help noticing this school is located in... I'm not one to judge, but... um...
+I'll say it, Marge, it's in Hell! The Inferno! Perdition! Arizona without the golf!
+We do have golf, but all the greens are tricky.
+Look, as educators, our job is to gently nurture your child's passion.
+Hm. That is the kind of nonsense you're always falling for.
+Mom, please tell me I can go to Hell.
+Well, I guess we could try it for a semester.
+Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
+You know, we have many opportunities for parent involvement...
+Yeah, I'll be sure to take a look at that.
+Now, students, it's final exam day. And none of you wants to repeat the class like a certain student I don't want to embarrass.
+Torture?
+Beelzebart, you're first. And you're going to torment a very special sinner we've prepared just for you.
+Homer? That-that's my dad. I can't hurt him.
+No, boy. I want you to do it.
+What? Why?
+Bart, you went to Hell and came back a winner, like Jesus. Now come on, boy! Pull me apart like string cheese.
+Webster defines success as the action of achieving one's goals.
+Don't you, Webster?
+I don't care! Why am I here?
+You changed the "r-e" to "e-r" in "theater!" I hate that!
+Well, I'll tell you who is supposed to be here -- class mal-edictorian, Beelzebart Simpson!
+Which one's yours?
+That was me, when I was a young hoodlink, with me three bestest Glugs, Leonard, Carlton and Dum. We was narsty tastards we were, even though we dressed like Carol Channing's backup dancers.
+Some days we'd employ a bit of the bash while having a go at the West End Wiseguys...
+Stop it! / Hey! / What's wrong with youse? / I was told this would be a verbal debate!
+...and cap off the night with a little of the ol' in-out.
+In-out! In-out! In-out! In-out! In-out! In-out! In-out! In-out!
+Everything was all fish and chippy... until Dum collected himself a twiggy-wick.
+'Allo, little lamb. What say we go back to my place for a little of the Luther Van?
+Oy! I'm getting hitched to this bluebird and she wants me to give up the glug life.
+Welly, welly, well, well, well. What sorry future would you have without your truest lunos by your side?
+Dum got a job at the Tower of London... as a Beefeater!
+I hope it's what I think it is.
+Who knew, my brothers, that when Dum found his Dumpling that was the end of our band of glugs? Leonard and Carlton informed me my leadership was no longer needed.
+Not the Shard! Not the Shard!
+So I took up the respectable life of a sleazy barkeep.
+These eye clamps are the only way I can tolerate today's TV.
+Tonight, on Fox...
+Turn it off! I'll be good! I'll be good!
+There's been a terrible accident, sir! Please grant me access to your home!
+Are you kidding me? I invented that gag.
+Please, sir! Certainly a Christian is required to completely unbolt his door!
+C'mon, you can't pull the wooly bull over my viddyballs!
+That's a bit of the old haw haw!
+Not my "Shmoo"! My Shmoooooo!
+Those punks got no respect for them what come before. They didn't even wear no codpieces!
+How do they expect to draw the eye to their chunky-wunks?
+I need me Glugs back for one last bit of barmy.
+No. You should not be out glugging, shin-slicing, or eye groining! We've got a sweet little toddle to take care of!
+Enough of the quiet home life. It's time to be a man again.
+After all these month-os, I hope we don't disremember how to dash and bash.
+Let's start easy with a little walking of the jay.
+Wait! I recognize those cops what's be-whacking my gob-topper. It's Leonard and Carlton!
+You blokes wanna join me for one last bit o' noggin' boggin'? I saved your bowlers.
+Once again the Glugs was hittin' the streets all slow motion-like. And just as scarifying and intimidato as ever.
+Hey, keep up!
+We put nasties in a hat and selectoed out one.
+Ey, what kind of woo hoo is this?
+Welcome to the most frustrating, befuddling, and yes, erotic, book release party you've ever attended.
+Sir, are you done with my bird mask?
+I don't think you want to wear it now.
+I'll be the judge of that.
+Come on, glugs! Let's show these nectarinos we're still the best at what we do -- beating up old people and bare-naked ladies!
+Get them, becostumèd weirdos! Sex view blockers, keep blocking!
+I'll, uh, I'll let you finish.
+Yeah, I thought I left my iPhone here.
+Even I forget what this is a reference to!
+And so, O my brothers, I was beaten, I was bruised, I couldn't score at an orgy, but I was happy.
+Uh, let's burn this, let's rewrite everything and let's start all over.
+Stupid blood. Asking me for a favor.
+Homer look what someone left in the kitchen. Frosty chocolate milkshakes.
+Dad, the TV's screwed up. It only plays "Married... With Children."
+Oh Peg, you're sick. Let me call Doctor Kevorkian.
+We haven't had sex in four years, Al.
+Now I'm the one who needs Kevorkian.
+This house is haunted!
+The milkshakes have vanished!
+Homie... I think we're not alone.
+I was sleeping in your dryer and got caught in your sheets.
+I'll go make up the couch for you.
+Ooh Marge, that was fast. Yeah, that's it, baby. Grab my chest with your cold icy hands.
+The bed is lifting me! The elevator at work can't even do that! I demand you put me down right after the sex!
+All right, show yourselves in the name of this book!
+The power of Chrysler compels you!
+What are you, cavemen? Turn on the lights!
+Hey! A little respect!
+Take a picture, it'll last longer, man.
+Hey... if you're Homer Simpson, show me your driver's license.
+Well, I traded it to a kid for a bite of his sandwich.
+He is me!
+Noble spirits, your time has passed.
+That was unmotivated.
+Don't have a cow, man.
+Shut up!
+Ay carumba!
+Homer, do something!
+Why is it always me? I work twelve hours a week, you know!
+She doesn't know what a good thing she's got. I like a man who can relax. Not like Grumpy-Lumpy there.
+Quit makin' cracks.
+Speakin' of cracks, pull up your pants, dude.
+I'll crack you!
+What kind of afterlife is this? Can't even strangle my dead kid.
+So... yeah. Things aren't perfect with the missus and me. And by the way, nice melons.
+Those are in the kitchen!
+I'm just happy you're happy.
+I can't believe you wasted our money on fruit.
+Homer Simpson!
+Can you be more specific?
+There's no reason to be jealous, it's just younger you.
+So. He likes ghosts better, eh? Fine.
+Huh. Might as well clean this while I'm killing myself.
+Well, hello.
+A ghost!
+I feel like a ghost the way you haven't been paying attention to me. Plus, I'm dead.
+Don't yell at me! I'm a double widower! But I can handle all the ghosts you can float at me!
+Won't the other Homer be a problem?
+I think he gets it. See, he--
+Ow! Ooh! What the? Mmm! I smell toast!
+Well, I guess you and I are in charge now, Bart. But if we split the chores, I'm sure we can... what are you doing?!
+Sayonara, sucker!
+Oh no! You're not leaving me to clean this up!
+Woo hoo! I'm the last of the Simpsons!
+In I.Q. only!
+Thank you!
+Willie's got stew for the winter!
+Wait a minute, who killed Maggie?
+This is all your fault, Homer, for wanting somebody new!
+I just wanted the woman I married.
+I never realized you had so much work done.
+Simpsons, please! This fighting solves nothing.
+Doctor Marvin Monroe?! Are you alive or dead?
+I'm in some horrible limbo. I can walk halfway through walls, then I get stuck.
+Now I'm gonna have to look at that every morning.
+Well, I think you're helping us make progress.
+Thank you.
+Let's not fight anymore. Let's just make him decide between us.
+Choose me because I'm not bitter yet, I can stay up later, and you're on my mind all the time.
+Marge number two, how would you win my whoopee?
+Those are great reasons, but there's one reason you should choose me. Because I know everything that you've done, and yet I still want to be with you.
+That is so beautiful.
+You're right Marge, I could never leave you. Not even for you. If there was a dot or a squiggle different, that would be too much.
+Oh Homie! / Oh Homie!
+Time to cut the treacle, man.
+Why you little!
+I just had a worrisome thought! If there can be two incarnations of the Simpsons, why couldn't some evil marketing entity produce millions of others?
+All right Simpsons, welcome to our new home.
+Yo, yo. Santa's Little Helper is in da house!!!
+Okay, hold still. This is the last picture on the roll.
+Isn't it about time you went digital?
+You watch your mouth, you little smartass.
+Yeah, Bart.
+Nothin's gonna ruin this one.
+Here we go... here we go... here we go...
+Ooh... pork chops with gravy!
+Hey... but today's not Pork Chop Tuesday... or Gravy Thursday.
+I also set up some mirrors so you could watch hockey fights while you eat.
+Woo hoo!
+Oh, I love Canadian on Canadian violence. Oh baby, this is so great! Thank you so much!
+Wait a minute -- that's not something people really feel. What's going on?
+Well, I do have a favor. Patty and Selma came home early from their vacation, but the cleaners still haven't gotten all the black mold out of their apartment...
+...so they need a place to stay. Here.
+Paris was a bust. They wouldn't even let us see the Mona Lisa.
+They kept yelling "La Joconde -- her smile will die!"
+No, Marge... no! You can't invite a couple of Riddlers to stay in the Bat Cave!
+You ate the food and looked in the mirrors! They're staying.
+Hm, oh honey, one teensy problem with this plan. I'm a teensy bit concerned about them smoking around the children. You know, their lungs are so teensy.
+He has a point...
+No, no, no, no. We don't have to smoke!
+We can stop whenever we want! See?
+Okay, how about this: if you catch us smoking in the house even one time, you can throw us out on the street. Hm?
+You know what? I trust them not to smoke.
+And if you trust them, I trust them too.
+Safety first.
+Screw this. We'll just go outside.
+Nature is God's ash tray.
+Bad news, bears. Forecast calls for nothing but rain.
+Here we go, problem solved. Electric cigarettes.
+Choke on our harmless fumes.
+If you fall asleep with them, will you even burn to death?
+Mmm-mmmm.
+They call these cigarettes? They don't stain my fingers, my hair smells like hair, and what do I stub out in my scrambled eggs?
+Sure, it's got the nicotine... but where's the tar? Where's the stab from every breath that reminds me I'm alive?
+No smoke detector! Let's roll!
+Wait, wait. Turn on the faucet so no one'll get suspicious.
+Ha! I gotcha!
+You can't resist smoking in the house any more than I can resist drinking in the car.
+What happened?
+I don't know. The water caught on fire!
+And now I banish you from paradise! I'm glad I never bothered to learn which one of you is which.
+Please, show some compassion for two good people who just can't stop smoking.
+I know just the place.
+Ohhh. Oooh... tobacco.
+Who needs Paris? This is our "City of Lights."
+Flaming tap water. I saw something about that in a documentary...
+Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, cute! This one...
+In this rural community, Hydraulic Fracturing, or "fracking," was greeted as a windfall.
+By pumping high-pressure liquid into underground shale deposits, "fracking" releases natural gas, but can lead to devastating environmental consequences.
+Yep. Used to be, you could try burnin' yer water all day, and nothing would happen.
+Henry, did you remember to turn off the slip 'n slide?
+I reckon not.
+I think someone is fracking under our neighborhood. And I know who...
+It's you Mr. Texan. Oil wasn't enough, now you're going after our natural gas.
+Aw now. Ain't nothing "natural" about gas.
+If you can't dance in it, I ain't drilling for it. I don't do this for the money. It's the dancin'. It's always been the dancin'.
+Oh man, he made us watch him dance for three hours. And he really only has one move.
+If someone was fracking in our neighborhood, wouldn't we know it?
+Maybe a satellite picture will give us a clue.
+This is clearly a fracking site. How are they keeping people away?
+It's a terrific sport that--
+This whole building is just a façade for a drilling operation.
+Indeed it is. "Evergreen Terrace" is built atop a massive shale deposit.
+Think of it, all that poor natural gas, trapped underneath your shanties and lean-to's. Smithers, give these two brats what they deserve for sticking their noses in my business.
+Stopping Mr. Burns may be beyond the power of an eight-year-old girl with a book report due on "Beezus and Ramona." But I know someone who can help...
+The first female speaker of the state assembly...
+A politician who would never ignore a fellow environmentalist in need... my hero...
+Maxine Lombard.
+Charge the electric limo. We're going to Springfield.
+What about your cool down period?
+What about it?
+Lisa! Motorcade!
+Assemblywoman Lombard! You got my emails!
+I'll go anywhere, anytime to defend our precious Bay Area values.
+Oh, terrible.
+Just shocking. Does anybody have a baby we can hold near the flames?
+I guess I do.
+I'm gonna hit this Mr. Burns with a politician's most powerful weapon: an invitation to a committee hearing.
+Mr. Burns, do you admit that you illegally pumped toxic chemicals into the groundwater below Evergreen Terrace?
+I don't recall.
+Mr. Burns, have you no regard for the life and health of your fellow human beings?
+I don't recall.
+You can't drill underneath people's homes without their permission. As chairwoman of this committee on energy, natural resources, and blimp safety, your fracking operation is hereby shut down.
+I demand to see that capitalism-castrating suffragette this instant!
+You haven't bested me! I will find a way to shatter that shale!
+What makes men like you think you can do whatever you want to our planet?
+Maybe the planet wants a strong man to take her by the hand and lead her!
+You don't know what the planet wants.
+Oh, and I suppose you do?
+The planet wants to be protected and nourished, and maybe even...
+Kissed.
+Wait a minute... I'm not having a stroke, am I?
+No. Am I?
+I don't think so.
+Oh, good.
+This was all a mistake. An impulsive...
+Knee-buckling...
+Spanx-shredding mistake. It was great.
+Best I've ever had. And that includes... Nellie Taft.
+So, Monty, should we find a way to continue this purely passionate affair?
+But you're a soft-hearted liberal!
+And you're a hard-hearted capitalist.
+Now get out of my office.
+As soon as I collect my things.
+If I want to resume fracking...
+I have to buy the mineral rights for every single parcel of land in Evergreen Terrace. To win people over, I'll need a salesman whose folksy façade masks a deep gusher of greed.
+Congratulations Simpson. You're now my Chief Energy Innovation Marketing Officer.
+Woo-hoo!
+All you've got to do is sell fracking to your friends and neighbors.
+Woo-hoo? I don't know... "Fracking" is one of those scary Lisa words.
+Bah! Fracking produces enough clean natural gas to make America independent of sheikhs, caliphs and... Scandinavians. Not to mention it doesn't create any of that awful worker-mutating nuclear waste.
+Homer, game starts in an hour. Don't forget to set your fantasy lineup.
+Thanks, Charlie. Maybe fracking isn't so bad.
+Then say yes to this raise, this promotion, and this flannel shirt which says "I'm not screwing you over!"
+I'm not screwing you over. No, uh... I'm not screwing you over. I'm not screwing you over.
+I'm so proud of you, poppa.
+Some folks will tell you that fracking's no good. But what they don't tell you is... hydraulic fracturing creates jobs.
+And all those new workers are gonna want to spend their earnings buying what you're selling: beer.
+Authentic Italian food.
+Useless left-handed crap.
+Magical nonsense.
+Expensive toys for grownups they don't open or play with.
+Pornography and nachos.
+High-quality Spanish language programming.
+High-quality methamphetamines.
+Laundry. Homework. Pranks. Poop, poop and poop.
+But our water was on fire.
+How could you sell fracking for Mr. Burns?
+Because I've never gotten a promotion before. Once I thought I had, but it turned out to be a beautifully-worded firing. So judge me all you want.
+I am judging you.
+Good, judge away.
+Judge-judge-judge--
+Pumping frack cash... it's a gas cash blast?
+Residents of Evergreen Terrace are undecided whether to sell their mineral rights to Mr. Burns.
+Mr. Burns is a vampire, sucking the life blood of this town and lining his coffin with cash.
+Oh Maxine, no one insults me in a sound bite the way you do.
+Oh, Monty. You're such a sexy little Nosferatu.
+Same time tomorrow night? I'll bring the oxygen!
+Better bring two tanks.
+And so, we see a clear correlation between industrial hydro-compounds and water table contamination well outside the margin of error.
+Mr. Simpson? Rebuttal?
+Everyone who signs over their mineral rights to Mr. Burns gets five thousand dollars!
+Five thousand smackers?
+Money is like a job you don't even have to do!
+Aye dinero!
+Signing Stu!
+I think my arguments were more cogent !
+WHAT!?!?
+COGENT !
+Mr. Burns, we did it! Everyone in the neighborhood sold us their gas rights.
+Excellent?
+Well... one.
+I have embarked on a "beneficial friendship" with a woman with whom I have nothing in common. Her opinions are abhorrent to me. But the passion... well, look at these racy texts she sends me.
+Oh baby...
+Well, I'm no Carl when it comes to this stuff. But I ain't no Lenny neither. And I would say... no matter how much you try to keep things casual, someone always gets hurt.
+Hmm... Well then I must harden my heart against such an outcome.
+Glad I could be of help...
+Do you have the signed gas leases?
+Hold on. This feels light. One of these deeds is missing a signature.
+The gas rights transfer form for 742 Evergreen Terrace was never signed by Marge Simpson!
+Marge? Why didn't you sign?
+Our water was on fire!
+I'm sorry, but the law states that unless every single resident sells their rights, Burns can't frack drop one.
+I was counting on that money to pay for my other calf implant!
+I already felt the pride of energy independence!
+Marge Simpson... I'm as mad at you as you usually are at me.
+Cheer up, Monty. All you lost was money, but what you get is... me.
+"All I lost was money?" Let me make one thing perfectly clear -- our dalliance meant nothing to me! You were but a sprig of parsley garnishing my beefsteak, and now I cast you aside for the busboys to gnaw upon! Consider this ill-conceived affair terminated!
+I played this just perfectly.
+Oh yeah, great. Great, Marge. Great work. Thanks to you, Springfield will never be a natural gas boom town. And like all boom towns it would have lasted forever.
+Here they are.
+Our water was on fire.
+Was on fire. Was. I finally get a job I was good at, and now I have to give it up.
+So, you've come begging not to be fired? Smithers, turn my back on this man. Maximum huff!
+Wait, Mr. Burns! I'm here to man up -- it was all my wife's fault! Sometimes I think she and I have nothing in common.
+Nothing in common, eh? Tell me more...
+Marge likes sushi, I like gum that squirts in your mouth. She's into romantic comedies, I like movies where there's only one day a year when murder is legal. Yep, Marge and I see the world in totally different ways.
+Different, exactly. That's why I had to give my woman the old heave-ho.
+So you don't miss that politics lady at all?
+Not for one Chinese second! And I'm sure she's forgotten all about me.
+Killdozers.
+Whatever are you doing, man?
+We're tearing down this place and putting up a recycling center slash Native American history museum slash Condor sanctuary.
+A project this bloated and ill thought-out could only be the work of an angry liberal... Maxine!
+My ex is using the thing I hate most against me... big government!
+Stop this ribbon cutting! This is private property!
+What's the matter Mr. Burns, never heard of eminent domain?
+You're just doing this to get back at me for dumping you!
+That is ridiculous.
+The Antonin Scalia bedroom!
+It's a national public radio broadcast center now.
+Who are you?
+I'm Robert Siegel and this is "All Things Considered."
+Stop laying about, you! There's work to be done.
+Gravy Thursday.
+Even God hates jazz!
+If that woman thinks she's been scorned now, she ain't seen nothing yet...
+It's fracking time!
+Is one of the side effects of fracking earthquakes?
+Y-e-e-e-s.
+What are you doing? You're destroying this neighborhood!
+Just like you destroyed my mansion.
+I don't know what I ever saw in you, you planet-ruining monster!
+Likewise, you planet-saving succubus!
+Homer! Turn off that horrible machine!
+You don't know anything about hydraulic fracturing! You've just been brainwashed by liberal TV shows who use "fracking" as an easy bad guy. But it can save this country!
+Our. Water. Was. On. Fire!
+Wait... I finally get what you're saying. Fracking is great. But the only place it should ever happen is in other people's towns!
+You always do the right thing... sort of.
+What is he doing? He was furious at that woman, now he's embracing her. He told me himself they had nothing in common!
+Nothing except passion.
+I was a fool to break up with you, Maxine.
+I'm sorry I turned your home into a liberal paradise.
+You think we could make "us" work?
+I don't know... we're pretty different.
+But we've got passion, and as long as we've got that, our lives will never get boring.
+What color drawer pulls did you want -- nickel or brushed nickel?
+I wish we had bought the more expensive theater tickets. I'll never see anything in row "BB".
+There's a sale on lawn furniture at the Lawns Plus.
+Why are all cars black or grey now? It's like if you see a red one, it's a big deal.
+I'm thinking about wearing a watch again.
+Wiggle in. Get comfortable.
+Hey, a couch is a couch.
+Woo hoo!
+Students, each one of you has been assigned the mandatory honor of contributing to the Springfield Time Capsule...where your arcana will lie dormant until the thirty-first century...and...
+By the time you finish talking, we're gonna be opening this damn capsule.
+Right. Time capsule. Nelson. Give me something.
+I brought a picture of my Dad!
+He's still at large... in my heart.
+I brought my lucky rabbit's foot. I can have good luck without it.
+Wish we could put this moment in the time capsule.
+Consider it done.
+How about you, Bart? Let me guess, you forgot to bring something.
+I'm offended you think I forgot. Let's see...
+Listen boy, this is the only legacy you'll ever leave.
+Better make this count.
+My sandwich!
+And so a thousand years from now, this capsule will be opened by some future Mayor Quimby.
+That-that could be anyone's ooze!
+And now, to help secure the jazz vote...Liser Simpson will play her saxophone.
+A mysterious electrical storm is currently wreaking havoc with our studio. But I'm not one of those brainless dolts who mindlessly reads a teleprompterrrrr, error four-oh-one, backslash backslash, colon, reset C-drive, shutting down!
+What the hell was that?!
+Probably just another piece of America's space junk falling out of orbit.
+Remember when this country didn't suck? 'Cause I don't.
+Homer! Homer. I think there's someone downstairs.
+Relax, Marge. It's probably just Homer comin' home late from Moe's.
+The eyes in that picture are following me.
+Uh, that's a mirror.
+Isn't all great art kind of a mirror?
+We'd better send the dog down. Come on. Here's your chance to protect us, boy. Come on.
+Stupid dog!
+We'll have to set a trap, bait. I mean, Bart.
+All set. When he starts gnawing at you, I'll whack him with this broom.
+Don't drink my loved ones!
+Bite my shiny metal ass!
+A robot with a catchphrase!
+Hey Homer, you gonna kiss him or kill him?
+All right! Tether-boy!
+Okay, so what are you?
+Must be a secret government project.
+Oh, what do I look like, a narc? My name is Bender and I come from...
+...the future!
+Prove it. What happens to Homer Simpson in the future?
+I don't know. You die?
+Oh. My. God. He's telling the truth. I have to take you to our civic leaders.
+Hey, Hibachi head. How're you gonna pay for that?
+Uh... let me just transfer some, uh, electronic hyper-credits into your register here.
+Ding-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Ooh, and, uh, another round for my friends! Ding-a-ding-ding-a-ding-ding!
+Hey, this Blade Rummy is all right! He's a big spender, plus he fixed the jukebox. I think they had a thing going.
+OH BABY WHAT YOU DONE TO ME.
+I hate it when they get quiet.
+Listen, I-I know you're a robot and incapable of emotion...
+It's true! I'm empty inside.
+Uh, look, I just wanna ask... can we be friends?
+You're the only guy I know with less hair than me.
+Sure! That's why I came to your time, for all you know.
+For all we know!
+A strike! A totally legitimate strike!
+Yeah! Hey, uh, what's the robot version of bromance?
+Romance.
+You future guys have a word for everything... pal.
+You know, they look a little similar.
+Yeah, like the guy who designed Bender just took a drawing of Dad and stuck an antenna on it.
+A little lazy if you ask me.
+Regardless, I see no reason to believe that "Bender" is from the future. Robotic technology today is very advanced.
+Oh really? Can your "modern day" robots do this?
+It's not my birthday. Although Maggie's is pretty soon.
+I can't do Maggie. The G's look like sixes.
+This is the robot who claims to be from the future.
+Can your present-day robots do this?
+No, no they cannot. Not sure why they'd want to...
+Now why are you here? What is your mission, uh, so-to-speak.
+I don't remember.
+Man, this guy doesn't ask permission. He just goes right in ya.
+Aha! Bender's mission protocol is definitely intact. It just requires a delicate procedure known as "unplug and replug."
+Because that fixes everything.
+I remember why I'm here! To kill Homer Simpson!
+My ears are burning.
+Not yet, but they will be.
+A boxing glove!
+But we bowled together.
+I can't do it.
+What stopped you, Bender? Asimov's three laws of robotics?
+You think robots care what some hack science fiction writer thinks? I killed Isaac Asimov on the way over here. Well, Isaac somebody.
+What the?! My ass is about to project something.
+You don't have to announce it. Just do it quietly and blame the dog.
+Bender, we've just regained contact. Have you killed Homer Simpson?
+Uh... yep. Killed him good.
+If Homer's dead, why are the creatures he begat still here and multiplying out of control?
+What the?
+You lied to me, Bender! Homer Simpson's still alive!
+Come on, Bender. Stabbity-stabbity!
+Wait, stop! Why must you kill my Dad? Especially when cheeseburgers are doing the work for you?
+Homer Simpson must be eliminated immediately! The creatures destroying New New York have his D.N.A.!
+The monsters are stealing our office supplies!
+That's inexcusable!
+Hello, robut! Looks like everyone gets a turn to say something! This concludes my turn.
+We sent Bender back in time to kill Homer before the monsters could evolve from him. Apparently this was too heartless a task for a robot. Leela, can you handle it?
+In a New, New York minute, minute!
+Ow! Right in my langwich centard!
+Professor, you-you're a fellow man of science. Maybe if we teamed up, we could uh figure something out.
+Okay, but remember, to me you're incredibly stupid.
+Oh, and the annoying girl may be helpful. Meanwhile, Leela, take Homer and explore this time period. Find out why people would ever pay for "freemium games."
+I'll explain. Okay, it starts free, right?
+Then you visit your friend's game, and he's got this awesome candy mansion...
+Get a load of those freaks.
+...and you're like "ninety-nine cents? You bet I'd like one..."
+And that's why I owe Clash of Candies twenty thousand dollars. Here we are.
+Marge, I'd like you to meet Leela and Fry.
+Oh, don't mention her eye. Don't mention her eye.
+Don't mention her hair. Don't mention her hair.
+I am so pleased to meet you.
+Nice to be hair!
+Oh, Lord.
+Professor Farnsworth, I'm dying to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?
+That's it! All we have to do is dig up the time capsule!
+Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported through a singularity that I quantum entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.
+But how did Bender get here?
+With a time machine.
+But you just said that--
+Sample's ready!
+Kill all humans... kill all humans...
+Start with Flanders... start with Flanders...
+Good news, everyone!
+That means it's bad.
+The human D.N.A. in the creatures was only half Homer's! The other half came from... someone else!
+Oh, so we can kill that person instead. Maybe they're evil and deserve it. Or have one of those annoying voi-ces that gets on everybody's nerves! With the adding extra noises for no reason bloing... bloing.
+And the other person is...
+Who is that?!
+It's me!
+Wait a minute, we don't have to kill you.
+Well that's better.
+We just have to kill all your children.
+Or just one of them, if you can figure out which one sired the killer rabbits.
+We interrupt this hologram to bring you an important bulletin. The horrific creatures destroying New New York have begun metamorphosing.
+Eat my shorts! / Aye carumba!
+What a surprise -- it's Bart.
+Wow, I'm doing the same jokes a thousand years later. Ay carumba!
+But how did a mere boy destroy the future?
+Well...
+Let this be a lesson: never throw meaningless crap in a time capsule.
+And bury Bart in the hole!
+I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love. Like in Epcot Center.
+In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.
+Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave labor camps at Universal Studios.
+We're here.
+My bowling buddy.
+You can't dig that up for a thousand years! Plus I wrote my name there.
+Shmayday! Shmayday!
+They got Scruffy!
+No, they just got my mustache. But a life without a mustache ain't worth living.
+No! That generator powers the portal!
+If they destroy it, we'll be...
+-- sucked back into the future.
+Okay, head count. One, two, three, where's Maggie?!
+Well, little meat bag, looks like it's just you and me, stuck in a terrible past where I know the result of every horserace ever! To the track!
+I want that!
+Well, you can't have it!
+Why you little... why you little... why you little... why you little... why you little...
+Dad, it-it's me!
+Prove it. When's your birthday?
+February twenty-third.
+Ha! February has no twenty-third!
+Yes it does!
+Can you please just get us out of this lousy future?
+Actually, of all probable futures, this is the worst.
+It is, 'cause my baby's not in it!
+Well why are you dressed in your uniform, then?
+Motherly love. Why did we outlaw that? Madam, our mechanical friend Bender is your portal home. But we can't use him until the generator is repaired.
+Homer works at a nuclear plant! He can help us get home!
+Oh, are you good at your job?
+I was voted Employee of the Month as an April Fool's Day joke. Why you little... why you little...
+Great. You and Fry can bumble around together while the rest of us give up and make peace with our various deities. As for me, I'm an atheist.
+Oh Nobody's Father who art nowhere, I know you can't hear me, completely ignore this prayer. Nothing art thou, and Nothing will thou ever be. Jesus was just, A Man.
+Well, I shall stay here for the decadence. There's no debauchery like end-of-the-world debauchery!
+Your lips. My lips. Apocalypse.
+I can't believe you're all giving up without a fight.
+Lisa, we're just a package delivery service.
+And not a very good one.
+The only way to handle the creatures is to do what we do to each year's Super Bowl losers -- shoot them into space. But we'd have to round them up first.
+Let me take care of that. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's manipulate Barts.
+You're nuts. I've got a will of iron.
+Okay, let's get goin'.
+Dad, we have beer in our time!
+Hey, I haven't had a drink in a thousand years.
+There's a horse called "Bender's Bounty," but my memory says he died during the race. That can't be true.
+And way, way, way back is Bender's Bounty!
+Dammit!
+Oh, chief, it looks like a robot killin' horses over there.
+Oh, it's six-oh-eight. Lou, can't you let me enjoy my day off?
+'Cause they're the only clothes that fit me. You happy? Happy?
+Attention Goblins: Madison Cube Garden is filled with Butterfinger bars. And people are laying fingers all over them.
+They're evolving! Wow. That's a first for you, Bart.
+Will you shut up?
+Did I remind you to strap yourselves in?
+You realize you're cheering the death of millions of my children.
+Wow, it's working! I guess the instructions were in English.
+What the?
+Hey, here's a souvenir photo of you guys comin' outta my chest.
+Aww, I will treasure this forever.
+Lie detected.
+My sweet baby! Ooh, it feels like you have a full diaper.
+Oh, um... I'll change her!
+Here's your cut.
+Nice knowin' you, meat bags. Have fun turning to dust.
+Wait, wait, wait! You're the portal. How are you going to get to the future?
+The old-fashioned way.
+Good night, friend. You'll always have a special place here with us.
+Thanks, pal.
+Look at this mess.
+It would've disintegrated upon entry if someone hadn't turned off the atmosphere last night.
+I like it cold when I'm sleeping! Besides, these horrible earth creatures are delicious.
+The Johnsons will be here for dinner any minute. What happened to the handsome man I married?
+I ate him, remember?
+Uh, hm, hope we're not interrupting anything.
+I can't take anymore!
+I can't take it!
+Well, perhaps the one of you that is female should go console her.
+SIMPSONS, IN THE / FUTURE -- SPACE JOKES! / FLYING THROUGH TOWN / WHAT ARE THOSE TUBES / I WONDER WHAT / ICE CREAM'S LIKE NOW / MAYBE IT'S HOT / OR SOME NEW TEMPERATURE THEY INVENTED... That's it, we're done.
+I'd like to welcome all of the principals from the Springfield School District, including Skin-ner! Wein-berg! Sack-ett! And Gwendo-lyn Hertz-feld-Mastroantoni-o!
+We are here for the annual "Dance of the Lemons" where each of you gets to trade your worst teacher to another school. The union's happy, the parents are placated and only the children suffer.
+Chalmskinn.
+Behold your lemons -- sociopathic child haters who are only teachers because they got tenure after short two years.
+That's mean!
+You know what you are!
+Uh, first lemon: from Springfield Elementary, going to West Springfield, third grade teacher... Sticky-Fingers Stella.
+Now, going to Springfield Elementary...
+Dear God have mercy... Seymour... your new teacher is... everybody pray!
+This is a public school!
+I said pray!!!
+Mr. Lassen is here.
+No smoking.
+So, Mr. Lassen, you began your career at Shelbyville Prep.
+It seems that certain wealthy parents didn't like seeing their precious darlings duct taped to the wall.
+Mmm-hmmm. And then you entered the public system...
+That's where I got this scar.
+What scar?
+Oh, I see you're left-handed... so that concludes my evaluation. Enjoy fourth grade.
+So, any dirt on the new teacher?
+Is he stingy with the pumpkin stickers?
+Does he have O.C.D.? O.C.D.? O.C.D.?
+I dunno. But in ten minutes I'm gonna have him kneeling before Zod. In this example, I'm Zod.
+When he opens the door...
+That's kinda scary... but it doesn't make me pee my pants.
+I'm Mr. Lassen.
+You mean Mr. Less-than?
+So, a comedian, are you?
+I've got a pretty solid ten minutes.
+Well, I could do five minutes on your pathetic "vest" and five minutes on your ugly buck teeth. And I've got a whole HBO special's worth on your fat mamma.
+My mom can't afford to be fat -- she's an exotic dancer!
+And in what exotic location does she "dance?"
+"A Touch of Class." But the "cl" fell off.
+Son... there was never a "cl."
+I-I think I always knew that.
+Bart, this guy served two tours in middle school! Abort prank!
+I will not. Anything to delay a spelling test!
+Looks like I've got a prankster on my hands.
+You know, son, school code says a student's hair should be of uniform length.
+What're you gonna do to him?
+Quiet. "Smellson."
+Smellson? I prayed no one would ever think of that.
+Ay carumba!
+How was your first day at school, Bart?
+Terrible.
+You wanna talk about it?
+Oh, thank you.
+Why are you wearing your hat at dinner?
+This new teacher I got gave me a haircut.
+A haircut? Let me see!
+No, you'll laugh at me.
+I won't laugh at you. Let's see--
+Look at me! I'm Bart!
+We're sorry.
+Stop that, all of you. It's not Bart's fault that his haircut looks so stupid.
+I didn't know that a teacher could cut kids' hair.
+Teachers union won the right in their last strike.
+I'm going to go to that school and talk to that teacher.
+Marge, please don't say anything. It never makes a difference and then the teachers give us stink-eye during the school fairs.
+Well, if he's gonna get a haircut, Bart should at least have gotten a balloon with it.
+Well, anyway Bart, you'll cheer up on our camping trip this weekend.
+What camping trip?
+The one you booked for us at Owl Haven. The one you have to reserve a year in advance.
+Oh, uh... you told me not to do it a year ago. Remember?
+I don't remember that!
+You're right. No one could be expected to remember something from a year ago. Certainly not me. Pass the gravy?
+Don't tell me you didn't reserve a campsite! Labor day is next weekend, there'll be nothing left!
+Hey, there's always room at Buzzard's Roost.
+Excuse me, but Buzzard's Roost is a converted parking lot.
+Excuse me, but grass is poking through.
+Why do I ever put you in charge of the littlest thing?
+Parking lot.
+Poking through.
+Parking lot.
+Poking through.
+My biggest sin is that I dare to hope.
+Oh, Marge, I can't stand it when you cry at dinner. The pork chops look traumatized. The mashed potatoes can't stand watch. Even the children seem upset. So trust me, I will come through for you, baby.
+Not you.
+So, what do you say, Marge?
+I want so much to believe you.
+And I want you to believe me too. Isn't it great how much we agree?
+Looks like our blackboard has been defaced. Lucky for you I can take a joke.
+Hello? Hello? Is everything okay?
+Heeere's Millie!
+Excuse me, you ruined my report.
+Fine. You got an A.
+Oh! Yippee! Fourth-grade A!
+You might fool some people "El Barto," but not me.
+Now we're gonna learn about electricity. Hey livewire! Come up here.
+Touch the generator.
+Even I think this is too far!
+Quiet, Smellson!
+It's sticking!
+I just need to get to sixty percent.
+Milhouse, I am gonna get back at Lassen. Now "The Hobbit" taught us that every dragon has a chink in its armor.
+Oh, that's convenient.
+Compared to the rest of these people, yeah.
+It also taught us that New Zealand's beautiful landscapes and attractive tax credits add up to a filmmaker's paradise. For more information, visit www.nzfilmhere.nz.
+Ach! Wrong order.
+You seem lonely and kind of weird.
+You left out single.
+Mind if I heat up some goulash?
+Let's continue this online.
+I've created a fake Miss Hoover profile. When Lassen friends her, we'll know everything about him.
+I don't know, Bart. You're lying about your identity? That's against the terms and conditions.
+We've all read the terms and conditions, Milhouse.
+Look, I really need a campsite. My wife is making sandwiches!
+Sorry, reservations are a year in advance.
+What about Mosquito Cove?
+Booked.
+Skunk Canyon?
+Booked every year since two thousand three.
+Ooh! How 'bout the campsite where the guy in the hockey mask kills all the campers?
+Sir, that is a movie.
+Hello? Hello? This is Homer Simpson! 742 Evergreen Terrace, looking for a place for my kids and me! And my pretty, pretty wife!
+You know, alarm code three six seven nine. Three six seven nine!
+So I hear you're getting back at Lassen.
+Maybe I am. So?
+You've gotta do it, man. He preys on the weak. Now give me your lunch money!
+I'll take that.
+Here's Lassen's profile:
+What the?
+Tagged as Lassen!
+It says these were taken at Blazing Guy. What's Blazing Guy?
+Helloha! Do you want to make your home in a self-sustaining city that only exists a few days a year? One that combines nudity, dust storms, children and all-consuming fires? Then you, my bro or bra, are dreaming of Blazing Guy!
+On the last day, the chosen one, or Ignis, sets fire to the giant wooden Guy in a ritual dating back to nineteen eighty-six.
+The Blazing Guy Council of Elders, in conjunction with Duraflame, is very pleased to announce that this year's Ignis is Jack Lassen.
+So if we go there with a camera to film Lassen humiliating himself, I'll get revenge for him making me into this!
+I was trying to even it out!
+You're starting to look like your Dad.
+I'm lucky. I just look like my Mom.
+Gosh... that was a hard sleeping bag to roll up.
+Those were your father's sweatpants.
+Marge, I have a confession to make about this trip.
+Dad, don't worry, I got you a place.
+Once again, I've been saved from any consequences. It'll keep happening till one day I create a mess so enormous it can't be cleaned up. Thanks, boy.
+A CAMPING WE WILL GO...
+BUT WHERE? I STILL DON'T KNOW!
+A PLACE THAT'S FILLED WITH SUN AND SAND / A DESERT STEAMPUNK DISNEYLAND / KEEP EXPECTATIONS LOWWW... / SWING LOW SWEET CHARIOT...
+Homer Simpson, I love you.
+A world of anarchic free expression!
+Cars shaped like cupcakes!
+I'm home!
+No, no, no. Don't blow me out, wise guy. Not in the mood.
+I'm not sure this campground is family-friendly.
+All camping is pointless. You drive hundreds of miles to shower and sleep in a place with no bathroom or beds. I guess what I'm trying to say is: where's Maggie?
+We brought Cheerios for you!
+Now you know the wind does kick up here. Hope you went three feet down with your tent stakes.
+Uh, listen here, Desert Arnaz. Homer Simpson knows how to pitch a tent.
+Hey man, can I bum a tent?
+You seem stressed. Have some calming tea.
+Finally. A normal person. Thank you, Miss... um...
+Calypso Self-Knowledge.
+Is that tea... adulterated?
+Does that look like something I'd do?
+Hey Marge!
+We got a new tent from a guy who O.D.'d!
+Aw, let me get a picture of that.
+I think Smitty's still inside!
+Too bad he's missin' this!
+So many musical choices!
+A brass band... barbershop quintet?... the human kazoo... ooh, a drum circle!
+Uh... can I help you, freak?
+There he is.
+His nipples are asymmetrical. This could ruin him!
+Milhouse, everyone here is a total freak. We have to find a way to completely humiliate Lassen.
+Get a picture of a restaurant check with no tip, put it online, say it was him. Kaboom, he's finished!
+Suddenly this place doesn't seem so bad.
+This place is great. Just have to avoid these inseam-high cactuses!
+Ooh. Are you Mr. Clean?
+So give the Tooth Fairy my forwarding address 'cause it's pretty loose!
+About time! It's the only phone.
+You don't count!
+Maybe we should just give up on Lassen.
+No. This Ignis thing is the biggest deal of his life. And I'm gonna wreck it. Because he scarred me forever!
+Hey, it grew back. A little better even. So full and lush...
+Enough!
+It's like someone ironed out all the wrinkles in my brain.
+Get... in... the tent!
+You always save me, trombone elephant.
+Fire retardant?!
+If Lassen can't light that thing, he'll be humiliated. What good is an Ignis who can't blaze the guy?
+I'm scared, Bart. And I am never scared.
+Hideous.
+These kids are gonna ruin the ceremony! Too bad I'm just an illusion!
+Homie, you promised me an incredible camping trip and I got one.
+Just like I planned.
+You got very lucky this time. Don't push it.
+I understand. I already signed up for this place next year. I Gave my form and two hundred dollars cash to that dude.
+Ignis, approach the Burning Man, I mean Blazing Guy.
+Get the job done!
+You're not helping!
+Strip him of his nudity!
+You! Maybe we won't have Blazing Guy, but we can still have... blazing boy.
+Help me, desert weirdoes!
+I'll take those.
+Beware the butterfly's sting! What the?
+Form a human prison and hold him for five days.
+Wait, how many days?
+Hey listen, we should probably get home. My Dad forgot to bring water.
+When will this tea get out of my system?
+Haw-haw!
+What the?
+According to this file from Blazing Guy Secret Security, your behavior was so egregious we can do something that we've never done before: fire a teacher.
+Hand in your red pen.
+I am not going to pass fingernail inspection tonight.
+So, where do you go from here?
+A place where my talents will be appreciated.
+All right, that's lights out!
+You too, freak!
+You hate him too?
+With every fiber of what's left of my wretched soul.
+We should team up. I can get you out of here.
+A partner? Intriguing. Who gets to gut him like a little pot-bellied salmon?
+I assumed we'd take turns.
+No deal!
+Well if ain't my next door neighbor, King Toot.
+How many times I gotta tell you not to throw your trash in my dumpster?
+Oh, come on, Szyslak. I gotta make space in the store for my new side business -- a tanning salon that secretly has cameras in the beds. Which feeds into my website, www dot tancams dot com. That is registered.
+Hey, sounds great. Maybe then you could afford to rent your own dumpster.
+I like my current deal. Free. Of. Charge.
+I'll eat your hair!
+You call that a testicle kick?
+All right you two, break it up.
+Drive on, asphalt cowboy -- or I'll squeeze his brain out like an edamame.
+Eh, uh, a what?
+Those beans you eat before your sushi comes.
+Oh... salt peas. I call them salt peas.
+Look, officer, after twenty years of being neighbors, tempers sometimes flare up. Moe's a good guy.
+No, no, no, it's my fault. I'm a hot head. I ain't got no beef with you, Toot.
+You better stay out of my dumpster.
+I've also been stealing the catalogs out of your mailbox.
+It's my dumpster!
+...and that's the terrifying tale of how the Quebec Nordiques became the Colorado Avalanche.
+Oh no! King Toot's is closed! Dad, you're gonna have to take me to the... big box music store.
+Look at all these monstrosities.
+Lisa, how many times have I told you to bow down to our corporate overlords?
+(IMPRESSED NOISE
+It's like some kind of guitar central.
+Mid-life crisis at twelve o'clock.
+Okay, let me guess, dude, you're an axe-man -- you're looking to score a new blade.
+Stig. You've got a name that's not a name.
+So what's your poison, bro? Les Paul? Straight up Gibson? No, no, no, classic Strat, am I right?
+Oh, I don't have what it takes to play guitar. I mean, I'm no Joe Walsh in the brains department.
+Who is? Look, you don't have the weak, womanly fingers of a guitar princess.
+You, my friend, have the muscular stumps of a bass man.
+Try this on.
+What the rock?
+Now that was a lick.
+I did a lick?
+Keep 'em comin'.
+Yes, now bob your head. Bob it. Bob it. Bob it.
+Dude, usually it takes years to learn such neck confidence. Now check this out:
+Oh my god... I'm amazing.
+Dude, you're already one of the greatest bass players of all time.
+Okay. Now oh, how are you set for stage lights?
+I'm not set at all.
+OOh, what about gels?
+This is embarrassing to admit, Stig, but I hadn't even thought about gels.
+WHAT IS THAT RACKET?
+MUSIC! BEAUTIFUL MUSIC!
+Beautiful music, baby.
+The bass guitar? This doesn't really seem like... you.
+Sure it is. You know I've always loved laying things down. Grooves are just the latest.
+I feel a powerful connection to the history of famous bass players. Like what's his name from The Who. Or that guy from Led Zeppelin who wasn't Page, Plant or Bonham. Those are the only two I know for sure.
+It's so cool to have another musician in the family!
+Oh yeah, and you know what's the great thing is about music? It's so easy.
+Uh, well to truly master an instrument you'll need years of--
+So easy.
+I can't take it. All Homer does is play that stupid bass! Doink doink doink doink doink doink doink!
+You're not alone, Marge.
+A man gets older, has a career, a few kids, and suddenly there's a hole in his life that can only be filled by... jamming. For my Julius, it was the drums.
+Timothy has that awful guitar.
+Kirk just loves his keyboards.
+I never knew so many women suffered from extramarital jamming.
+Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. What if -- all the dads jammed together... in a dad band?!
+That way they would play their horrible music... in one garage at a time. Marge, you're a genius!
+This menu was right -- good things do happen... at 'Zerz.
+I don't know guys. I'm not sure I'm feeling this. The bass is kind of known for being a solo instrument.
+What were our wives thinking? We probably don't even like the same tunes.
+On the count of three, everyone say their favorite kind of music. One, two, three...
+Hard-driving rock!
+Dads, let's jam!
+Garage bands rule!
+I almost forgot the most important thing.
+Great practice, guys. What do you say we give it another six hours then call it a day?
+Excuse me... My wife told me about your get-out-of-the-house band. And uh, perhaps you need a singer?
+Oh... yeah, Apu, I'm sure you're a great singer. But the balance of the band is really delicate right now, and we're not really looking for a "world music" vibe. No disrespect to world music. I love world music.
+WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES / I WISH THAT I COULD FANTASIZE / PULL A DREAM RIGHT OUT OF THE AIR / TAKE A CHANCE TURN IT INTO A PRAYER...
+That sounds nothing like terrible, terrible world music.
+Why is your voice different when you sing?
+It is because of all the years I spent at the Kwik-E-Mart...
+'CAUSE GIRL YOU KNOW I WANNA BE THE GUY / WITH A HUNGER BURNING DEEP INSIDE / TONIGHT I WISH UPON A FALLING STAR / TO DISCOVER WHAT MY YEARNINGS ARE...
+... where classic rock anthems were piped-in on a never-ending loop. The endless repetition drove many clerks to madness.
+The only way to maintain my sanity was to sing along until it seemed like our voices were one.
+HOPIN' FOR A DREAM...
+HOPIN'...
+FOCUS LIKE A LASER BEAM / I'LL KEEP FIGHTING TILL I WANT SOMETHING GREAT / HOPIN' FOR A DREAM...
+Guys, are you feeling this? Are you feeling this?
+I'm feeling it.
+I'm definitely feeling it.
+I felt something earlier, but I was afraid to bring it up.
+I think we all felt something.
+We are more than just a garage band desperate to do anything other than hang out with our families. We are now a cover band. And we shall be called... Covercraft. Because we play covers and this is our craft.
+And it sounds like Hovercraft.
+That was not my intent. Okay, Covercraft: hands in.
+Cover...
+...craft!
+"R" "O" "K" "C".
+Okay, this crowd is about to experience the special magic of the cover band -- the thrill of live music without the fear of hearing anything new.
+Apu, what's wrong?
+What if, what if I am no good? This is the Cabbage Festival, man... I-I don't know if I can face that crowd!
+You don't know what a per diem is.
+I still want one.
+Buddy, buddy. Think of it this way: you're not singing in front of all those people, you're alone at the Kwik-E-Mart in the middle of the night. You just wear this on stage, and everything will be fine.
+My uniform!
+All alone at the Kwik-E-Mart.
+WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES / I WISH THAT I COULD FANTASIZE...
+PULL A DREAM RIGHT OUT OF THE AIR / TAKE A CHANCE TURN IT INTO A PRAYER...
+GIRL YOU KNOW I WANNA BE THE GUY / WITH A HUNGER BURNING DEEP INSIDE / TONIGHT I WISH UPON A FALLING STAR / TO DISCOVER WHAT MY YEARNINGS ARE...
+Everyone loves you, Dad. You could become a famous rock star!
+Well son, I do have the talent -- my mind is full of ideas for great songs I could write... down the names of and then cover. But then I remember: I'm just a regular guy, jamming with my buds.
+Oh, sweetie. This band has brought out the best in you.
+Yeah, you really get that it's all about the music.
+Yep. It's all about the music... and it would take a pretty unforeseen development to change that. Pretty unforeseen...
+Gentlemen, I think we've found what we're looking for.
+Guys, I really need your honesty here. At the Squidport Senior Jamboree... was I too in the pocket?
+Freddy Freeman, Shredder Stevens, Nick Delacourt and Peter D'Abbruzio -- you're four of the five guys from Sungazer!
+But where's your lead singer, Grant LeDavid?
+Uh, he passed away.
+What kind of erotic asphyxiation?
+HOPIN' FOR A DREAM...
+Apu, you're the only man on the entire internet whose got the pure Sungazer sound. Will you be our new lead singer and join us on our stadium tour?
+I think I can answer for Apu. He's flattered, but the small-time success of Covercraft is all that any of us have ever wanted.
+Uh, actually... I...
+Apu has a rich life here in Springfield: a store full of great products, a lovely him-type wife, and eight super kids: Anoop, Sandeep, Nabendu, Gheet, Pria, Uma, Poonam, Sashi--
+Shut your mouth, I want to do it! I want to do it! I want to be a singer for a real rock band!
+...gazer!
+I gotta say, I'm kind of jealous of Apu getting a break like that.
+Not me. I'm nothing but happy that our friend is headed for fame and fortune.
+I want his fame and fortune so much! Why must the Lords of Rock be so cruel?!
+Sammy Hagar? You're not dead.
+Dammit! I told you these jalapeno poppers had too much breading!
+Sorry, Señor Hagar.
+Nah, nah, nah, it's cool, man. I went to rock star Heaven. And there was this great back patio with a SWEET fire pit. If you had the right wrist band -- which I did.
+News story in aisle three? Local clerk, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, is a dead ringer for a dead singer. He's living the rock star dream as front man for '80s chart-toppers Sungazer on their "Last Final Hell Re-Freezes Over Ultimate Goodbye For Serious This Time Never Again Part Two of Question Mark Tour."
+Apu and the band appeared on Saturday Night Live as the punchline in a game show sketch.
+What's a game show?
+It's something you make sketches about.
+It looks like Apu won't be playing the Cabbage Festival ever again.
+Dad, you shouldn't be jealous of Apu. Remember, it's all about the music.
+HOPIN'...
+I'm not jealous. I'm envious. Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is envy.
+Wow, he's right.
+You know what? Apu leaving is the best thing that ever happened to this band. We're gonna be like Genesis after Peter Gabriel left.
+You mean more popular but not as good?
+Phil Collins-era Genesis is not as good, huh? "No Reply at All," "Land of Confusion," "Throwing it All Away," "Illegal Alien," "I Can't Dance," and I'm sure I don't need to mention... "Invisible Touch!"
+You know, we really could use a new lead singer.
+You know, I've been known to sing a little...
+What? So you can also get famous and bail on us? You're out of the band!
+You can't just kick him out--
+Oh, so you're sticking up for Yoko here? Looks like I've got another Yoko on my hands.
+How can there be two Yokos--
+Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! Yoko! All you Yokos are out of the band!
+Are you okay?
+Do I sound okay?
+You sound great! Your licks are really... juicy.
+They're not juicy. My licks are dry. Dry and scratchy like a cat's tongue.
+You didn't join a band to become famous like in "Almost Famous." You loved playing music with your friends. That was enough to make you happy.
+Well it's not enough anymore. When something great happens to one person, everyone else's life gets a little worse. Look it up, it's called physics.
+Apu is a good man. He sent over front row tickets and backstage passes to his show at the Costington Center.
+Oh, you mean he generously invited us to come watch him be a rock star?
+Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your friend had a wonderful thing happen to him, and you are coming with us to share in his talent.
+I'll never have a per diem.
+Apu wouldn't be able to sing a note if I didn't help him get over his stage fright with his Kwik-E-Mart shirt...
+Backstage pass, you just became a payback rage pass.
+Look at all this rock star dressing room stuff. What a sellout. Cheese plate -- oh, sorry, cubed cheese plate, lemon tea, probably for his throat...
+Let's see how he performs in front of all those people without his magic-people-performing-in-front-of shirt.
+But, Mr. Shredder, you promised me after we played my hometown I could have a day off.
+I also promised I'd kick heroin...
+But the tour is so hard on my family. My octuplets are being raised by roadies and bodyguards.
+This is not proper.
+Look, Apu. For twenty-five years we wasted money on women, drugs and guitars with live fish inside. And now we want to keep it going.
+You signed a contract for a three year, fifty-seven country tour at union scale -- no per diem.
+You're in the band.
+Oh well, I guess it's show time.
+Homer!?
+I'm sorry, Apu. I thought you were living your dream life, so naturally I wanted to ruin it. But now I know things stink, so I'm okay with it.
+What is the point? I am trapped like a Kwik-E-Mart hot dog on a roller.
+Kwik-E-Mart hot dog, eh?
+You want every hot dog in the store? Every one? O-kay...
+Ladies and gentlemen, Tucks Medicated Pads presents... Sungazer!
+Uh, people? I am sorry to report that all the original members of the band have been struck down by a mysterious case of hot dog poisoning.
+Rather than refund your money or reschedule the show, we have a surprise for you. Get ready to rock with a group that is truly all about the music -- Covercraft!
+FOCUS LIKE A LASER BEAM / I'LL KEEP FIGHTING TILL I WANT SOMETHING GREAT / HOPIN' FOR A DREAM / HOPIN' FOR A DREAM
+HOPIN'...
+TO SOMEDAY SOMEHOW HAVE A GOAL / I'LL KEEP FIGHTING TILL I WANT SOMETHING GREAT / I'M HOPIN' FOR A DREAM
+HOPIN'! HOPIN'! HOPIN'!
+HOPIN' FOR A DREAM...
+DREAMS ARE GREAT OR SO IT SEEMS / IF I NEVER FIND ONE I GUESS THAT'S OKAY / I'M HOPIN' FOR A DREAM...
+HOPIN'! HOPIN'!
+So there I am, in Easter Island, and the heads ask me to play them a song. I say "Why me, heads? You've heard the music of the universe itself." And they say "Sammy, your stuff rocks just a little harder." That's when I wake up. I'm in the Springfield Elementary parking lot, doing a buck-fifty-five in my Ferrari 512 Boxer. I was cornering so hard, I blacked out from the cheese, man. They say I ran over the groundskeeper. Probably get life in prison. But I got a plan to escape. Using only this harmonica and some guitar picks with my face on 'em. Who's with me on this?
+You're about to see the worst half-hour of television ever.
+All righty then.
+May the sauce be with you!
+Oh, since when is soup sauce? This is so non-canonical!
+You have every right to be furious.
+It's as bad as I remembered and I haven't watched it since yesterday! Horrible. Yet enthralling.
+Hooray. A card from Dr. Hibbert.
+I'll be right home, honey. I've just got to lock down the reactor for the evening.
+Tight as a drum.
+See you soon!
+Bart! Hold the ladder still!
+Wish Homer was here.
+Simpson!
+Mr. Scrooge!
+Time for your holiday gift!
+In your name, a donation has been made...
+...to the Salvation Army.
+Also, you will be visited by three spirits tonight. No, wait, that's my schedule. Smithers! We need to cancel the ten-thirty spirit!
+Yes, sir.
+Headin' home, baby.
+Nothing's gonna stop me now.
+Maybe a drink will help me with my driving.
+Man, those things go off quick.
+...and the baseball exclaimed as it flew out of sight / this ballpark is shorter in left field than right! Mark Hughes swings and misses. Yes, I'm recording this during a game!
+Few people know that verdict was overturned in the sequel. Heh.
+I'd better be heading home... to my family... enjoy your evening... with your wonderful... uh... neon sign...
+Yeah, last year I broke it just so the repairman would come. But I'll be fine.
+Hey, um, you gonna be okay?
+Oh, yeah, yeah. Super.
+It's just that... you know, I lost my ma at Christmas.
+She took me to a mall and I never saw her again. But I'll never forget that image of her bolting for the parking lot.
+Okay! Okay! I'll stay for one beer.
+Oh great, great. But don't do it out of pity.
+Pity! Pity! Have pity! Look, I'm wrapped around your leg here!
+Please! Please! Please!
+But I promised Marge.
+Now I'm sittin' on your shoulders! Please!
+Okay, okay!
+Mom, where's Dad?
+I don't know.
+It's Christmas Eve, man! We do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight.
+SI-LENT NIGHT / HO-LY NIGHT
+I'm happy on Christmas Eve. And for once it's not 'cause some drunk left a wallet on his stool.
+Uh-oh, this is startin' to hurt.
+And now, Homer, it's only fair that I give youse a gift: I'm gonna set the clock in the bar to the correct time.
+Hey, what the--
+I am so late!
+Whoa, whoa, whoa it's the night before Christmas! Stop stirring, you!
+One night. The one night of the year I want Homer home with his family and he can't even do that.
+Christmas is a great time to dump him.
+If you do it now, you won't have to watch the Super Bowl!
+Homer Simpson!
+I never thought I'd say this to someone I cared for, much less my husband, but I'm saying it now: I don't want you here on Christmas.
+Marge, think about what you're saying. It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday!
+Out now.
+Yeah?! Well, good luck assembling all those toys without me!
+We already did it!
+The ghost of Marge Future!
+I wonder if Lou suspects that I was his Secret Santa.
+What kind of a cheapskate gives you one corncob holder for Christmas?
+Moe, what are you doing?
+GOOD KING WENCESLAS LOOKED OUT ON THE FEAST OF...
+Voice too poor for karaoke. Shutting doooown. Bye now.
+Oh my God! Santa brought me just what I asked for!
+Two thirty-nine. Who's he foolin'?
+Hey, pal. Can't believe you have to work Christmas Eve.
+Well, if you are here for a last minute gift, we have a cellphone holder that fits no cellphone made after two thousand and two, and, uh... Kwik-E-Nog...
+Nog stands for "Not Okayed by Government."
+Maybe Marge would forgive me if I won the lotto. Give me a scratcher.
+Gimme another one.
+Gimme another one.
+Gimme another one.
+Gimme another one.
+Gimme another one.
+Gimme another one.
+...in a concentration camp drama...
+Should I forgive him?...
+Maybe not this time...
+With his marriage in this much trouble, he's got a lot of thinking to do.
+Oh please, stop! Stop it! My religion prohibits me from taking advantage of a fool more than five times. This thing basically has no winners.
+Yeah, but doesn't the money go to schools?
+You have been to our schools. What do you think?
+Welcome to "Bring Us Your Toilet Paper" night. Don't worry, none goes to Willie.
+Don't need it. I got me Starbucks napkins!
+You know, ironically, in India, they did use the money for schools and they had fantastic results.
+Aw, thanks for your honesty, Apu. Is there any other product in the store you'd like to warn me about?
+Well... those hotdogs began life as Twinkies!
+Christmas Eve. The one night a kid wants to go to sleep is the one night he can't. I can't have another cocoa.
+My pee is starting to smell like a ski chalet.
+Oh, thank God you are here. I need to get to sleep. Tell me the story of jazz again.
+Well, the story of jazz starts with the tresillo, the most prevalent duple-pulse rhythmic cell in sub-Saharan African music, but the rest will have to wait. Bart, Bart, I hear Mom sobbing and I don't know where Dad is!
+If it helps, I made you a card.
+Bart! This is the year I've got to nail Christmas. I don't want to be a jaded ten-year-old like you!
+Ah, yes... I remember Christmas Eve when I was eight.
+Why do you always wait till the last minute to put up the lights?
+I don't wanna ruin the magic and I certainly
+Next year... this is... your job.
+... ...
+... Ooh!... ...
+They say a boy never gets over seeing his Dad in a Santa suit getting hanged and electrocuted on Christmas Eve. I'll help you, kid.
+Mom, I'm just a kid. But I say if Dad isn't here Christmas morning, that's the kind of thing families never recover from.
+Lisa, sweetie, I'm tired of being a pushover.
+You're not a pushover.
+You can't smoke!
+Just chewing on the wood.
+Okay then!
+Howya doin' there? Uh, your front door was locked, so, uh, rather than call or knock, I, uh, came down the chimbley there.
+Moe Szyslak. You didn't climb down our chimney just to say "Merry Christmas."
+Midge, it's one minute till Christmas and if I'm ever gonna be a good guy, it's now. Now here I go.
+I'm the one that kept Homer from comin' home... 'cause... uh, well, I was lonely.
+Yeah, that's right. Me, Mr. Party Pants. So, uh... so don't hold it against Homer, eh?
+Oh, my poor Homie! This is what I was hoping for... for it not to have been completely his fault! Thank you, Moe.
+I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry, but it was Christmas and we were under the mistletoe...
+That's lettuce caught in a spider's web.
+All right.
+I've gotta call Homer.
+What gives? Don't you get Showtime Extreme?
+No answer. Let's go find your father.
+What? I never give up hope.
+Neither do I.
+Even the anchor store's closed.
+Any uplifting holiday movies?
+Well, let's see. We've got a film about a nutty professor...
+...with advanced Alzheimer's...
+...Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill...
+...and a cute model...
+...airplane that lost its propeller.
+I guess I'll take the Concentration Camp one.
+And a Merry Christmas to you, sir.
+Well, if I've gotta spend Christmas Eve alone, at least no one will see me.
+Heya, Homer!
+Just 'cause you're here shouldn't make you sad. This is my seventeenth Christmas alone in a movie theater. This is my family. The guy with the smelly pants, the lady that carries empty cans in a PBS tote bag...
+What if I left now, and gave you guys my popcorn and soda?
+Wow, Homer, you have a very generous side. Can I borrow like, ten thousand dollars?
+Flanders? What are you doing here?
+Christmas is my busy season. Sold three pairs of scissors this month! Two came back.
+Say Flanders, with all the hard luck you've had, how do you stay so happy? And don't say "Jesus."
+Well, sir, our good Lord, and my boys are all I've really got. All Edna left me was wonderful memories and some ungraded papers, which I'm still working my way through.
+Flanders, are you crying?
+Ah, just snowflakes on my mustache.
+Listen. Could I buy a left-handed uh... I don't know, eyelash curler?
+Sure... but your eyelashes are long and luxurious already. Are you just buying this to be nice?
+Um. Maybe.
+Oh, Homer! Unto us this day, a neighbor is born! But why?
+Because Jerk-ass Homer has become Ass-jerk Homer.
+Well that curled my lashes, but good for you.
+You're all right, Stupid Flanders. You're all right.
+This is a whole new relationship for us! We'll be friends! In this life and the next!
+My best friend is a great runner!
+I made everyone happy but me. Some Christmas. Feliz Navidad.
+Abe Simpson, please.
+Visitor for Abe Simpson.
+You came!
+You came to see me! Aww! Easter came early this year!
+I thought we were just going to ask if he had seen Homer.
+I'm afraid we've awoken a needy giant.
+Visitors!
+Let's brew some weak tea and talk about the good ol' days!
+Make them turn the TV to C.B.S.!
+Well, with all that you folks have experienced, I think we could enjoy listening to a little of your wisdom.
+The problem with Puerto Ricans is...
+No casual racism!
+What the?
+The Nutcracker! Every child's favorite Christmas character! Is this a dream?
+Not a dream. I work at the mall. And it's closed, so scram.
+Man, you are a nutcracker. But I've learned something tonight: you know how everyone hates being with their family on Christmas? Well, being without them is worse. Can you find it in your wooden heart to give me a break?
+All right, listen pal... uh... you wanna go to a party?
+What are you doing here?
+Halloween merchandise goes on sale December twenty-sixth, man.
+Well, he's not in the neon sign store.
+Lady, buy a sign or go home.
+I'm sorry. I'm trying to find my husband and nothing's open.
+Um, walkie-talkies don't count as two presents! God! I mean, you!
+Well, there is a party here. Hey, is your husband into people dressed like food?
+Where is this party?!
+Oh my God. Is that girl really doing that?
+Mmm, load-bearing wall.
+Woo hoo!
+This party's great. But all I wish is that I was drinking a beer with my kids right now.
+Homie, I'm your present tonight. And the present is that I'm not gonna always assume that you screwed up. Because I realize maybe there's a good explanation for what you do. Or a crazy one that's pretty entertaining.
+Oh Marge, you found me! You always find me. Now we just have to find your car in the mall parking lot.
+I thought I had one of those chirping keys.
+Oh, well, I've been faking the noise 'cause you deserve the best.
+You didn't have to do that. I love you just the same.
+Thank you magical creatures of the mall.
+You have all taught me a Christmas message I'll never forget: the place to get drunk is at home.
+All right, I'm sick of waiting.
+Bart! You know you can't open a present till Mom and Dad wake up!
+It's nine-ten a.m.! I know what they're doing. They're up in bed watching the rebroadcast of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.
+Oops. My finger slipped.
+Oops. So did mine.
+I got a baseball glove!
+I got a chemistry set!
+I want yours!
+Merry Christmas, son.
+Uh, don't you mean Happy Birthday?
+It's two presents.
+Behold, our miracle of birth!
+Each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later.
+What the? This isn't Halloween!
+Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
+Are we there yet?
+Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
+Okay! We're there! Finally!
+Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
+Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
+Damn technology!
+Are we there yet?
+Turn it off!
+We did.
+This is us.
+Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
+Ooh, spot!
+Okay, remember we're parked in the "Ethnic Princess" section.
+Don't worry, this time I'm gonna write down where I parked.
+Look! I see land!
+Mama! We made it! Mama?
+You planted that on me, man!
+Sorry. No outside pacifiers.
+Fine. But I'm not paying for the insurance. Oh, what the hell, give me the insurance.
+C'mon, Maggie. The first ride we go on will be for you.
+RIDING ON A BUG / RIDING ON A BUG / YOU'D RATHER BE IN SCHOOL / THAN RIDING ON A BUG / RIDING ON A BUG / RIDING ON A BUG...
+Bug be damned!
+Ay carumba!
+DON'T GET OFF THE BUG / DON'T GET OFF THE BUG / CERTAIN DEATH AWAITS / IF YOU GET OFF THE BUG...
+WELCOME TO THE BUG / WELCOME TO THE BUG...
+Whoa, this place sure has changed since Dizznee bought the rights to Cosmic Wars.
+Purchased for four billion, I was. Yet still hoodie ragged, wear I do, this.
+Pirates of the Caribbean!
+They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.
+NO MEANS NO / WE KNOW NOW / NO MEANS NO / WE KNOW NOW...
+Ha-ha! My cartoons weren't good, they were just first!
+Not enough ketchup!
+We have been here six hours and the coolest thing we've done is stand in the Cool Zone.
+The Cool Zone is beyond maximum capacity! Disperse, disperse!
+How 'bout that one?
+I don't like the end sounds on that.
+By 1994, we'll have drive-in theaters on Neptune!
+"Life" magazine will be four hundred pages long!
+And your telegrams will be delivered by --
+well, that's it. We've visited every section including Churro County, Toonton Abbey...but you know what we haven't had here? I'll tell you: fun. The kind of fun attractive families have in commercials.
+Hey, Dad, I see a ride that actually looks decent!
+I just wanna sit down, but the line for the bench is too long.
+No, look! It's a ride that just opened and no one's there!
+Dad, I don't know about this. It's not on the park map.
+Lisa, those maps were drawn by the first explorers of this theme park, hundreds of years ago. Let's go.
+Assume a sitting position!
+One seat per human!
+Come on! Start this thing! I'm not impressed.
+This is so fake.
+We've left Earth's atmosphere!
+Prove it.
+Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
+Are we there yet?
+Welcome, humans. There is nothing to fear. I am Kang the Abductor.
+What the? This isn't Halloween.
+Are we truly in space? And if so, why?
+All will be revealed in time... unsuspecting humans.
+Why does the last thing you say sound so ominous?
+It's just the way we speak... easily-reassured fool.
+That's good.
+We shall now attend to the complex calculations of hyperspace.
+Hey, Captain Squid! If you really want to be nice to us, how 'bout some snacks?
+Whatever you say shall materialize!
+Potato chips!
+Stupid kid! You ruin every trip!
+Hokey Smokes! I can't survive in these conditions!
+Homer... Homer...
+Homer, please! That's creeping me out!
+Let me just... there you are... like new... not a freak of nature...
+Look at all these knobs and buttons. They are clearly a superior race. But maybe that means they'll be nice to us.
+You mean like Europeans were to the Native Americans? Or the Belgians were to the Congo?
+That's right. Pick the only two times in history where things got messy.
+We have begun our descent to our home planet. Please turn off all portable electronic devices.
+Who's gonna stop me?
+Perhaps you haven't noticed the air marshal.
+Entering atmosphere.
+Have your cups lost their suck?
+Slipped on some drool? Larry H. Zeeblezorp will have you rolling in space credits!
+Wow. This place is completely alien but everything's in English. Just like Canada.
+Can I turn my phone on?
+Not yet.
+Now what?
+I say we take this bucket home!
+To Earth!
+Come on... come on... you son of a--
+Thanks for flooding it.
+Take these pills and you can breathe our atmosphere.
+Are there any side effects?
+Yes. I'm afraid you will never develop tentacles.
+Behold the wonders of our world.
+Purple landscape... purple trees...
+Yeah, you really went with the purple theme.
+We can change it at will!
+Now look upward to see our seven suns!
+So, you use a lot of solar energy?
+We have federal rebates for the panels, but few take advantage of them.
+Now we shall show you the sacred mysteries of our life cycle.
+Behold, our miracle of birth!
+Each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later.
+And finally, a sadder slice of our lives. Gaze upon the dead being dumped into a river of their own drool.
+Farewell dear friends, on your sacred journey to the chopper-upper.
+Why are you sharing all of this with us?
+Because we want you to fully appreciate the planet... that you will never leave.
+Wait, are you telling me we're prisoners in this cage?!
+Okay, take five.
+Don't look at them! You can see those birds any time.
+Right hand red!
+I win, I think.
+Would you like one of our toys?
+Thanks.
+Why did you do that?
+I thought it was a ball!
+That is the one thing it can never be!
+Don't be alarmed. I am a trained humanologist. Let me just check your heart.
+All well and good. You obviously exercise.
+See, Marge?
+Anything you need? Perhaps you'd care to have your ink gland expressed.
+You're the doctor.
+Homer! You have to stop dropping your pants for everyone who claims they're a doctor!
+Now I am here to complete your knowledge of our great and generous species.
+Are you the guy that talks nice before they kill us?
+We'll come back to that.
+As young thinglings we are schooled in the wisdom of the universe. Physics, mathematics, Fortran... the greatest of the programming languages!
+And now the part that is difficult to tell you. At the end of a life well-lived, there is one final ritual: we must eat one of you.
+But we'll let you have the fun of picking which one.
+There's only one fair solution: we have to put it to a vote.
+Before we vote, I'd just like to point out in Sophie's Choice she saved the boy.
+This isn't a happy thing!
+Here you go.
+What the?!
+Well, we haven't heard from Maggie yet.
+What the? Pfft. Gibberish! Pure gibberish!
+You're the last vote, Homie.
+'Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before.
+Hey look, Maggie made you a farewell card.
+That kid's got talent, but c'mon!
+Now do you see why I'm a vegetarian, Dad?
+I get it, Lisa. I finally get it.
+You do get a last meal.
+I'd like rabbit. Lots of rabbit.
+Welcome to the World Series of Chomping. This annual consumption ritual is brought to you by scalp salt!
+From the same wonderful folks who make elbow pepper and groin gravy. Here comes sacrifice Homer Simpson...his hobbies include sitting, lying down, and reaching for things without success! C'mon, folks, let's put your eyelids together!
+Doesn't your culture say anything about mercy?
+Madam, you are speaking to the kindest and gentlest of us all.
+Let's see: skull crusher, skin peeler, eyeball popper, scream collector...
+Got it.
+Our elder Klaunax has been chosen for our ceremonial first bite, after which Homer Simpson will be dipped into a spicy cheese fondue.
+Fondue? Welcome to a faculty dinner party in nineteen seventy-nine.
+Silence! And celebrate the Solstice of Slobbering to the sounds of the Rigel Seven Children's Choir.
+TASTY CREATURE, WE SALUTE YOU / FOR YOUR JUICY SA-CRI-FICE
+A transporter beam! Someone is trying to steal our sacrifice!
+Yes! This mysterious tube can only lead somewhere good. So long you stupid slobbering... what the?
+And away we go!
+Way to go, George Mucus. The fattest, stupidest man on Earth slipped right through your sticky tentacles.
+Why you little...!?
+What is this baffling construct?
+It's called a knot.
+A not what?
+Knot with a K.
+K's are silent?
+Really? I've been saying "kitchen."
+That's correct.
+Do not fear. You are among friends.
+We are the resistance. We don't believe in the barbaric consumption of other species.
+So, what do you eat, space broccoli?
+Space broccoli has the most advanced feelings of any creature in the universe!
+I stepped on a piece once and it cried for six years.
+Frankly, they are a little full of themselves.
+Who are you talking about?
+Um, earth broccoli.
+Yeah, I hate those guys.
+Let's go, Homer.
+Where are you taking me?
+You are about to behold the secret rebel base.
+Why are they dancing? Shouldn't they be making weapons?
+This is excellent training... for the party we will throw when our rebellion succeeds.
+Turn the music back on!
+In a minute! First, noble human Homer Simpson will explain his primitive yet beautiful culture.
+...but perhaps Earth's greatest achievement is moon rocks. Oh, and the golden age of radio.
+Truly a species with much to offer.
+Seriously? Are we listening to the same guy?
+Silence! Homer, we will get you back to Earth.
+What about my family?
+Why do you care? It's just your sex mate and spermlings.
+Sex mate? Clearly you've never been married. But it's great, I'm telling you.
+Unfortunately, we only had the means to build the spaceship for one. We spent most of our money on the party.
+Well, it is a great party.
+The pod is equipped to fulfill your deepest desires. Just concentrate.
+Suddenly, this trip has gotten interesting.
+What the?!
+Oh who am I kidding? I couldn't enjoy calorie one without my family. I'm going back to save them.
+Aww. If I could just live inside that head, so full of noble thoughts.
+The golden rule states if the chosen one escapes, his family is eaten as forfeit.
+What do your rules say now?
+That all will be eaten!
+This system is really rigged against us.
+You forgot to glaze me!
+No I didn't! You licked it off!
+I think somebody's afraid to admit he's out of glaze.
+Glaze, please.
+Make way for the queen!
+I shall take the first bite. It is quite an honor.
+What's that?
+Part of your magnificent behind. We sliced it off when you were sleeping.
+It does look delicious.
+What is it, my queen?
+This ass is most disagreeable.
+The creatures are composed of completely indigestible toxins!
+These humans have been poisoned by their unhealthy fast-food diet.
+Um, are you sure you don't want to try me again?
+You?! Your lunches of hummus and rice cakes combine in your stomach to form formaldehyde and animal fat.
+Really? But I thought...
+You'd be better off chewing tobacco like the boy.
+Dad said I could try it.
+Don't you people realize your queen is dying?
+I'm afraid the lardo speaks the truth, Your Majesty.
+It's all right. I have seen many glories and have only one regret: that my breasts aren't bigger.
+I don't see any breasts.
+And those will be the last words I ever hear.
+Useless humans! We will send you back to your planet, and your memories will fade. So it will be as if none of this ever happened.
+Captain's log, Star date: six-five-eight-four-eight point two. After successfully conquering the Rigelians...
+Right. Conquering.
+At least Maggie can fly us home.
+Thank God it's just like her busy box.
+I have such a big ass.
+Well, I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species. Like three bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.
+We're receiving a transmission from an unknown source!
+Hey, I finally tracked you down! My oatmeal's gone cold!
+The cat ate my heart medicine!
+Set a course, Mr. Maggie. Anywhere but home.
+WALKIN' DOWN A CORRIDOR / USIN' BOTH MY FEET / WISH I WAS IN FLORIDOR / NOW I WILL REPEAT / OH I'M WALKIN' DOWN A CORRIDOR / USIN' BOTH MY FEET...
+Don Bookner. Can't believe you're retiring.
+Yep. It's time for the gold watch.
+Thank you. You are free to go.
+Good ol' Don.
+We sure will miss your, your, um, uh -- what'd you do again?
+Safety Inspector. 7-G.
+But, wait a minute! That's my job!
+Yes. Of course it is. There are two of us, and I've been covering for you all these years.
+That would explain a lot. But why did you do it?
+I felt there was something special in you. It's like rooting for the Cubs. You keep thinking they'll make it and then you realize they never, ever will.
+But now you won't have me to protect you.
+No, please! All I'm asking you to do is stay twenty-one more years!
+Too late. I'm gone. If I was Fred Flintstone I'd be at the end of the dinosaur's tail.
+FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW...
+FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW...
+FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOOOW!
+WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY. Last time I'm covering your ass, Homer.
+How was your day?
+Stressful. Do you see how loose my tie is?
+For the first time I actually had to do my job.
+Oh, sweetie...
+And Marge, I've got this weird new feeling in my stomach. A little sour and a little sick.
+There's a Yiddish word for it: "shpilkes."
+They have a lot of funny words for not-so-funny things.
+Hey, Homer. Carl and I are gonna see if we can sneak out of the men's room without setting off the automatic toilets, ninja-style.
+Look, I don't have time for childish games. If I don't do my job, atoms go boom!
+Simpson! I want a full plant status report at five o'clock.
+Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Can I get a four fifty-five wakeup call?
+Dammit.
+I thought we weren't allowed to do homework at the table.
+It's called a double standard. One of the bedrocks of parenting.
+You've been working so hard lately. Maybe you should take a break.
+No. Marge, if I lose my job in this economy, it's a death sentence. Oh, I guess, as a fallback, I could direct films like Angelina Jolie. How many properties do we have an option on?
+What?! When were you gonna tell me?
+Homie... workaholic is probably your best "aholic" ever, but you need to relax...so I got us all tickets to see the circus on Saturday.
+The circus? Hmmm, I haven't been to the circus since I was a kid.
+Is that true?
+Okay, Marge. We can go to the circus. Maybe I can finally find out why a man would think a stool is a proper defense against a lion.
+Dammit! This circus Wi-Fi is a joke!
+I thought you were going to try to relax.
+How can anyone relax when they made us park in stack parking?
+I knew he wasn't gonna like the stack parking.
+What kind of insane parking system is designed so you're blocked in by everyone that arrived after you?!
+The early bird gets the shaft!
+Oh my God. What if all those clowns are parked in the same lot as us? Maybe there's better Wi-Fi in the freak tent.
+'Scuse me, pardon me, what the Hell?
+Oh! Finally! The business call I've been waiting for! Hello, this is--
+Come on, kids! There's nothing you'd be interested in here.
+Eh, they'll grow back.
+Homer, I have to use the Porta Potty.
+Oh for God's-- now? Do you have to?
+No woman uses one of these by choice.
+Hey Dad, since we've gotta wait, can't we please see an act?
+Fine. But I'll be amazed if I'm astounded.
+...thereby proving Zorn's lemma.
+Give me my damn husband back!
+Dang! Look at all them hobo signs! My head bone hurts.
+I need a new volunteer. How about you, sir?
+Hey, is that time right? I have a deadline in an hour and a half!
+You know, Dad, studies show being hypnotized makes you more efficient.
+I just wanted to see him cluck like a chicken.
+Now we've never met, have we, sir?
+Ooh, patter!
+Do you have any children?
+No, but we're having fun trying. Wait, I mean three.
+When I snap my fingers you shall be ten years old.
+Look, can we get to the point? I'm stack parked. Did you hear me? Stack...
+You are ten years old.
+No I'm not.
+Yes you are.
+No I'm not.
+Yes you are.
+No I'm not.
+Yes you are.
+Yes you are.
+Yes, yes you are.
+Yes you are.
+Look, I said, you are.
+Yeah you are too.
+Only a ten-year-old boy could be this annoying!
+I'm not convinced.
+I know you are but what am I, infinity plus one! Jinx!
+Only the coolest kid ever could think of that! Good golly, Sven-Golly! You did it!
+Sven-Golly, born Svenjamin Golly, you are under arrest for mesmerizing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to induct Kiss.
+...you are wanted by the police, by which I mean Sting... Andy Summers... and... hey is it-- is it getting hot in here?
+Oh, not again.
+Mom, Dad's been hypnotized to think he was ten!
+Now I'm gonna test just how deeply Homer's mind has been affected. Take a sip of this, young man.
+Ew! Gross!
+What did you give him?
+This hypnotism is strong. Dinner theater strong!
+My husband can't really think he's ten.
+I'm saying he so desperately needs to believe he's ten, that only the original hypnotist who did this can undo the trance without risking permanent damage to Homer's psyche.
+Help... help me.
+Dear God!
+So what do we do?
+Do not force the truth. For now, treat Homer just as you would a regular ten-year-old boy.
+Can he be nine so I can beat him up?
+Oh, I'm afraid not. The rules of hypnotism are inflexible.
+Then can we get pizza on the way home?
+Ask for boogers on Bart's half!
+Good one.
+Booger pizza. You better pray they find that hypnotist, Marge.
+Get the ball, boy! C'mon!
+Go get it, boy!
+Go get it, boy!
+Go get it, boy!
+Hey! Ow! Ow! I thought you were my best friend! Ow! Ow!
+So... where is he gonna sleep?
+Well, I guess it'll have to be in Bart's room. And I thought when Homer cut off his thumb was bad.
+Um, Mrs. Simpson?
+Homer, can't you sleep with Mom?
+I'd be too nervous. Have you noticed that she's kinda hot?
+Gross! Weird! Complicated! Go to sleep!
+I really do miss my Homie this time of night.
+We're gonna have a lot of mittens this winter.
+If I'm gonna get through this day, I better Irish up my coffee.
+I'm ready to go to school.
+Homer... you're not going to school.
+I'm not? Cool! Am I sick?
+'Cause if I'm sick, I get to stay home and make s'mores. All I need is graham crackers, chocolate, marshmallows, sticks, fire...
+...did I say graham crackers?... chocolate, marshmallows, sticks, fire...
+Oops, my homework!
+Fine, you can go to school!
+Yo, this is tunnel tag. When you're tagged, you have to spread your legs and freeze.
+Guess I chose the wrong day to wear culottes.
+Every day's the wrong day to wear culottes. You're "it"!
+Can I play?
+Oh, God, no.
+If Milhouse can play, anyone can play!
+Once again I'm the lower bound! You're it!
+Is that a grown man going between the children's legs?
+There's nothing in the rule book against it.
+It's on page one of the rule book!
+That's where I doodle.
+It's a comic strip I do called "Bumble and Grumble." Grumble likes to yell, but deep down he loves Bumble like a son.
+No he doesn't.
+I'm beat.
+Today was fun.
+Yeah! Listen, Homer...do you ever think about what you want to do when you're grown up?
+Why you little--
+I'll eat in bed. Not just snacks, messy stuff like lasagna... Oh, and TV would be on. Loud.
+Hey, would you ever wanna have a real job and a family?
+Pff. Wife? Three kids? Steady job? If I did, I'd secretly be very sad. You could tell by how much I would eat and drink and just sit on the couch.
+Yeah. Thank God that never happened.
+Wow. He doesn't want to be my Dad. He just wants to be a kid like me. Almost makes me not wanna prank him. Almost.
+Touché.
+If you wedgie me, my friend will beat you up.
+That's not your friend. It's your screwed-up dad.
+Pretty sad, really.
+We'll leave you alone.
+You did it, Homer! You saved me from the bullies! You're the coolest kid I ever met.
+What about me?
+You're in the top hundred.
+Boo-yeah!
+Now you're not.
+Lisa...
+...your Ma says I should do something with you. Need some help with your homework?
+I'm done.
+Wanna see me make a muscle?
+Not right now.
+Well, that's everything I know that girls like.
+Listen, Homer. I just want to take advantage of this opportunity to have you enjoy my saxophone with me.
+DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO-DOO-DOO D-DOO-DOO / DOO DOO DOO D-DOO-DOO DOO-DOO-DOO D-DOO D-DOO-DOO D-DOO DOO D-DOO DOO
+Thank God they pulled that other safety inspector out of retirement.
+D-DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO! Y'know, you're the closest thing I've ever had to a brother.
+Me too. And you know what? I'm afraid you might... change back.
+Change back to what?
+Look in the lake. Tell me what you see.
+Bloated corpse under the water. I'd say he's been there a few months at least. Interesting the way his lips move just like mine. Why do you ask?
+No reason. Brother.
+Chief, I hope this is the call I've been praying for.
+It is. We have captured Sven-Golly. Using a specially-dedicated anti-hypnosis squad.
+Well, bring him here now! I want my Homie back! I miss him and the things he did!
+Lis, you know how Dad thinks he's a ten-year-old?
+I've been emotionally dealing with that all week. So, yes.
+Well, now that hypnotist is gonna come back and snap him out of it!
+Look, Dad had to get cured some time. There's nothing we can do about it.
+Or isn't there not?
+All right, Sven-golly. You're gonna untangle this guy's noodle and that's it. No more hypnotizing anyone.
+You have my word, Chief Kangaroo.
+Boing. Boing. Boing. Boing.
+They've run away!
+Quick! Hypnotize me into... a competent policeman!
+I'm good. I'm not that good. Haw-haw.
+I wanted you to enjoy being a kid just a little longer.
+Woo hoo!
+I do it all myself!
+We've returned to Itchy and Scratchy Land, which means you'll have to pay again.
+What do we do next? What do we do next?
+Homer Simpson!
+Your second childhood is over! You're going back to taking statins and paying FICA!
+No! You can't take him now! We've only been on two rides!
+Hey, you should've used Fast Pass!
+Fast Pass can't solve everything!
+Spoken like a kid who's never lived in a non-Fast Pass world.
+Homer, come here.
+Bye, Bart. Stay ten forever.
+Goodbye, friend.
+Before you fix him... can you change one little thing? I'm embarrassed to ask this, but after we... snuggle, he always rolls over and goes to sleep and I'd rather...
+That's the only thing you want changed? Everything else about him is perfect?
+Where were you when I was straight? All right, let's do this.
+You are back!
+- parked! I hate stack parking! Wait! Where am I? This isn't the circus! It's an amusement park! The furthest thing from a circus!
+Well, here's what happened...
+Marge, sweetie, I'm not gonna lie. I must have tied one on at Moe's. If you have it in your heart, could you forgive me and totally blame my friends?
+Homie, I've missed you!
+Ooh! I've missed you too.
+What the? Lasagna in bed?!
+Recommended by a kid I used to know.
+Y'know, I used to have this friend... I told him all my dreams. Really, really great kid.
+You think so?
+The best. Wonder what ever happened to him.
+Well... maybe you sat on him and he was never seen again.
+You know, boy, I'm not sure I can strangle you anymore. I'm gonna try something new.
+What do you say, boy? Wanna split the lasagna?
+Get lost.
+Why you little...?!
+Oh, so good to have you back.
+It's good to be back.
+Can we cuddle for a little while?
+Thank you, Sven-Golly. I knitted us a blanket.
+Confined him for life--
+Check and mate.
+Once again, you're too smart for me, my friend.
+That's why I'm the master hypnotist and you're the bumbling Police Chief.
+Exactly so, Sven-Golly. Exactly so.
+See you tomorrow?
+Yes uh I, might be a little late.
+That Chief Wiggum. What a dope.
+Whoa! Looks like our bird house is benefitting from positive word of beak.
+A bald eagle!
+Maybe he's giving those little baby birds some food.
+Homer, quick! Get your shooing broom!
+Marge, an eagle is our country's mascot. Fighting him is like kicking George Washington in his wooden nuts!
+This means war! Boy, bring my toupee!
+Go ahead, boy.
+It's working! It's definitely working!
+For once we're finally gonna catch that mouse!
+Gotcha!
+Uh, Pittsburgh thirty-five, Dallas thirty-one!
+Ha-ha! Stupid eagle! It wasn't the mouse we were after, it was you! Marge! Preheat the oven!
+You-- get-- out!
+I've got him cornered, boy! Bag him up!
+Not so majestic in a trash bag, are ya?!
+Oopsie.
+Seems almost a shame I'm gonna have to bang you against a wall till you die.
+No! Let's take the eagle to Shelbyville Animal Rescue. Where you took that injured hummingbird you found on the front lawn.
+Or, maybe we can nurse him back to health and set him free in the wild.
+Okay. Bart, think of a name. Make it great. Insanely, unbelievably great!
+Squawky?
+Perfect! Just like when we let you name Maggie.
+Squawky, until I met you, I never thought I could love something bald.
+We love you!
+Oh my God! Brace yourselves, family. We're about to meet a being with intelligence far beyond ours. Boy, get me my baseball bat.
+Hello. I'm Elon Musk.
+What the?!
+Dad no! Elon Musk is possibly the greatest living inventor!
+You're the guy who put wheels on luggage? Oh, bless you! Bless you!
+I'm... I'm not that guy.
+His company perfected electric cars and then gave away the patents! He changed the way Hollywood drives!
+And now he's landed in our yard, on my son's bike and on our mailman's leg.
+Honey! Guess who crushed me? I'll give you a hint... his first name is Elon. That's right!
+So what brings you to Springfield, Mr. Musk?
+Of course.
+What did bring me to Springfield? Well, to start with, I'm an idea man. It's my raison d'être.
+Mmm, raisin detra.
+I've hit a dry patch. I'm blocked.
+In my personal drought, I'm traveling the country, quietly by spaceship, looking for... inspiration.
+That's so sad. Maybe we're the same, two lost ships in the intellectual sea, each of whom could inspire the other to...
+Hey Elon, if you're interested, you could come to the nuclear plant where I work tomorrow.
+I am! And I will!
+Great. And if anyone asks where I am, just cover for me.
+Fine. We'll both go. And if anybody asks you something you don't understand, just say, "protons."
+So do you get satellite radio cheaper in space?
+Homer, if we're gonna carpool together, there's one thing you have to know.
+"Ass, gas or grass, no one rides for free." It's as old as the Bible.
+No, it's that I don't talk to anyone unless they provide the mental stimulation I seek.
+Hi, I didn't want to miss one more chance to spend time with Mr. Musk. It is such an honor.
+He is. And may I save that paper?
+No ideas? Oh, that's sad.
+That's even worse!
+Aw, man, I wish those were white meatballs.
+Oh wow! That's an idea! White meatballs. Synthetic meat that you can print from your printer. Say something else. Please, now!
+Uh... don't tase me, bro. Chocolate rain!
+Tase... bro... chocolate rain. Use electroplating to remove metal ions from rainwater, making it suitable for drinking!
+What about the chocolate?
+We'll make the device a soothing chocolate color. Brilliant!
+Pittsburgh Steel... Dallas cowboys... robotic cattle herding! Thank you, Homer.
+He's taking your Homer-isms and turning them into his own great ideas! This is the most inspirational moment of my life, but, unfortunately, this is my stop.
+Well, come on, keep throwing things at me.
+Oh! This is a break! We're-- we're taking a break!
+I gotcha!
+You're fun!
+Well duh!
+Why don't we have fun like that, Lou?
+Chief, did anyone ever tell you there's a safety on that gun?
+You mean this thing?
+That's the trigger.
+What are you writing? Share, buddy.
+Suggestion for the "suggestion box."
+Can anyone make a suggestion?
+Be my guest, but I seriously doubt the old man ever reads 'em.
+Suggestion eight thousand, four thirty-two: Nix!
+Technically an order...not a suggestion.
+Installing an M.H.D. Generator would allow the plant to operate at a higher temperature without the tyranny of moving parts. Using conducting plasma as the moving conductor...
+Excellent! Clearly the work of Lenny. That's the white one, right?
+Is this your suggestion?
+No, no. Mine was rubber mats in the decontamination showers. Also, water in the decontamination showers!
+Good Lord! Sir, you know who that is. The man who's revolutionized the car industry.
+Henry Ford! Good to see you. As healthy and vibrant as Detroit itself.
+No, sir. This is Elon Musk. For some reason he's sharing a console with Homer Simpson.
+His mind is as rich as an Italian wedding soup. Homer! What are you thinking now?
+Sorry, that's something I'm working on so that I don't have to display facial expressions.
+Young man, I look at you and I see myself.
+How much would you charge to work for me?
+I don't care about the money. The whole monetary system is just a series of interconnected heterogeneous data bases.
+Could you... repeat that first part?
+I don't care about the money?
+Once more, with feeling!
+I don't care about the money!
+Now, let me feel the vibrations of your lips!
+I-don't-care-about-the-money. And-I-want-you-to-get-your-fingers-out-of-my-mouth.
+Smithers, there's something strange in his mouth.
+It's called moisture.
+Hm, I see.
+Okay, Musk. What do you propose?
+Well, you'll need to increase the capacity of your plant. You cover the costs, you get a hundred percent of the profits.
+Careful, Elon. He's not as kindly as he appears.
+Now, Burns, what if everything in town not powered by electricity were powered by electricity. The electricity you sell them. Imagine that.
+My doctor says I'm not allowed to imagine. So I hired someone to do it for me.
+Send in the imaginer.
+Oh, that's fabulous! Oh, my goodness. I can see everything!
+I'm in!
+Oh, by the way, Mr. Burns, I haven't been paid in a while.
+Here you go. Imagine.
+Ooh, Swiss francs! Time to take my wife for a night on the town!
+Hey wait a minute!
+So... what kind of lunch do you pack?
+Wow. Elon, you're like Willie Wonka without the underpaid munchkins.
+Uh, I'd like to offer you something... but all I've got is coffee... with cream!
+Come on, I want cream! Give it up! cream and sugar are one thing too many!
+Exactly! Exactly! What if we make the cream cup out of sugar so it dissolves in the coffee?
+Wow. Wow. Between your genius and my nothing, we make a great team. Come on, give me a hug.
+Sorry, I'm not one for hugging.
+Well, I'm not one for just talking.
+Does that drone do date nights with the wife?
+My partner, Montgomery Burns...
+...and I...
+...have exciting news. Springfield Nuclear has electric solutions to all of your energy needs. The Springfield Hyperloop...electrifying the school to replace the old power source -- Willie pushing a wheel...
+...and my passion project, the Glayvinator!
+You -- you have a Glayvinator too?! Is it... um... uh... patent pending?
+Patent granted!
+All the years of glayvinning in my basement for naught! I'm a failure.
+Ah yes, everyone's been there.
+You have those feelings too!
+Of course not.
+If I knew how to make a fist I'd hit you!
+This is wonderful, Smithers. For once in my life something's going my way.
+I'm not so sure.
+Oh, another visit from Mr. Worrywart.
+I don't trust Musk. Anyone with that much money has a darkness in his soul.
+Says you!
+Mr. Burns... Mr. Burns...
+...assuming a linear growth model...
+Sir, Musk's ideas sound great. Too great. We're meant for wretched lives. We should pass on this. And before you reply, remember: I've never let you down.
+You know what I'm going to say, right?
+Release the...
+I was going to say "get out," but your idea sounds better.
+Can you give me a ten second head start?
+Of course.
+One, two, three!
+Not on my carpet!
+Attention fans of "The Little Rascals": the last of them died today in Palm Springs. Now it's time for traffic with Arnie Pye.
+Nothing to report, Kent. Since Elon Musk gave everyone self-driving cars, there hasn't been a single accident.
+Well, you be careful up there, Arnie.
+No need! Mr. Musk gave me a self-flying chopper!
+Where's Arnie? Now I can get as loaded as I want. Which is pretty damn loaded!
+Oh boy! ELON, ELON YOU'RE MY GUY
+SINCE YOU CAME DOWN FROM THE SKY
+Car, go park at work so people think I'm there.
+Force of habit.
+Car, wake Grampa.
+Thank you.
+Bart, what are you doing?
+Disable auto-drive.
+Foolish boy. You'll never guess Elon Musk's master password.
+Musk rulez. With a "z."
+Password verified. Manual control enabled.
+Welcome, friends. I've invited you here to share in our first quarterly profit report. I'm sure you're all eager to hear how much richer I am. Now, to end the suspense: Elon?
+Thank you, Monty. At our current rate...
+...we are losing roughly fifty million dollars a quarter.
+Just remember, our purpose is to show the planet how to save itself...
+Oh, the planet. I adore the planet. And do you know my favorite part of the planet? Gravity!
+There are no trap doors on this podium, Burns. You just started the PowerPoint presentation.
+No, no, no! Musk, you tricked me!
+Not a trick. We sacrifice now to take care of the future. In a way totally determined by me.
+Oh, all I wanted was to make obscene profits in the last year of my life and leave it to no one. Why does God hate dreamers?
+Due to recent fluctuations in my judgment, and the once-in-a-lifetime mistake of trusting another human being, I am saddened to announce massive layoffs.
+Who will pay for my radiation sickness treatments?
+Not my concern!
+But Musk was our savior!
+Your so-called "savior" isn't interested in saving anything but the world. Bah!
+Burns' layoffs have thrown the city into a new depression. Marked by the singing of songs from the old depression! If you're old enough to have suffered then and now, why don't you sing along!
+NOW THE RAIN'S A-FALLIN'/ HEAR THE TRAIN'S A CALLIN'...
+WHOOEE!
+MY MAMA DONE TOLD ME
+HEAR THAT LONESOME WHISTLE / BLOWIN' 'CROSS THE TRESTLE...
+WHOOEE!
+MY MAMA DONE TOLD ME...
+A-WHOOEE-AH-WHOOEE...
+OL' CLICKETY-CLACK'S A-ECHOIN' / BACK THE BLUES IN THE NIGHT
+My final invention...a pill that removes all grief.
+Oh my God, it attracts women too.
+You're welcome! You're welcome! You're welcome!
+You're welllcome...
+You really came back from that Tommy John surgery.
+Tell Musk there's more where that came from.
+More of what?
+Smithers, the hounds feel terrible for what they did. And good news, one pooped out your ear! We'll dip it in iodine and it's just like new.
+Also, I'm sorry I couldn't find the records of the shots the hounds had, which in turn led to all those painful injections in your abdomen.
+Now, the reason I'm here.
+I've made the calls. I'm going to have Elon Musk killed. And I'll give you a little extra morphine, friend.
+Oh, right, that's a trap door.
+What's wrong Homer? Is it that all your friends are out of work and it's kind of your fault?
+No. It's Elon. I don't care how much he likes me, I don't wanna be friends with him anymore. None of his pie in the sky ideas ever work out. Sky pies are lie pies! Of all the planets in the universe, why did he have to come to this one?
+How do you break up with a guy?
+Here's what you do. You just take his hand, look in his eyes and say "I don't want to be with you anymore."
+Wow, you're good at that.
+It's gotten me out of a lot of gym memberships.
+Sir, I have my concerns about the team of hit men you've assembled. They seem a little... long in the tooth.
+Nonsense! Just because a man can't see or hold his hand steady doesn't make him any less of a marksman.
+AND OUR DENTISTS ARE ALL SELF-TAUGHT
+...a yoga mat that rolls itself up... silent Velcro... baseball tickets that guide you to your seat...
+Sweet Columbia Exposition. Musk lives!
+But, uh, three of your hit men don't. Recoil was pretty bad.
+Oh my God! Oh my God! You saved my life. Which is gonna make what I'm about to say even more awkward...
+Whatever you want we'll make it work. Right, Homer?
+Elon, Elon, Elon! I want to say something to you and I don't want you to be inspired by it. I want you to listen.
+I don't want to be with you anymore.
+Can I ask why?
+I could say it's the being shot at or the flat, emotionless way you talk or the fact that PayPal was my idea and I was just about to do it when you came out with it... but really it's that this town isn't ready for you, and neither am I.
+It's okay. I'll be fine.
+It's on your face too!
+Well, I've saved you one last prize from the Cracker Jack box that is my brain. Use it as you will.
+On a Miami Dolphins helmet the little dolphin is also wearing a helmet.
+Why are they always the most beautiful just when they're breaking up with you?
+I think it's time to tell my luggage to self-pack.
+Goodbye, Elon. Our town will never forgive you!
+Thanks for the real working light saber!
+Ay carumba!
+I just wanted to see if there was a better life. Even for a little bit.
+When you're sixteen I'll drive you to Cincinnati. And you'll see what there is to see.
+Mr. Musk, before you go, is there anything you could do to give a little girl hope that the world of the future won't be as grim as all our current movies forecast?
+I guess humanity wants its change one birdhouse at a time.
+Hm. For a man who likes electric cars, he sure burns a lot of rocket fuel.
+What's wrong, Dad?
+Nothing.
+Elon's log. Earthdate 25 January 2015. I have left Springfield forever. But there are some things I will definitely miss.
+The little dolphin is also wearing a helmet... Wearing a helmet... Wearing a helmet..
+I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes holograms miss the point.
+And I regret to inform you our Soviet sister city, Springograd, has disappeared from the map.
+Now I'd like to welcome our beloved four-time mayor, Hans Moleman!
+Springfielders, rejoice! What is the one thing our blessed little town has lacked?
+A human zoo?
+What we lack is a town anthem! And, you're in luck because I have written one! Mr. Largo, if you please.
+Stop the anthem!
+I was in Tuscaloosa on vacation. It started out great. They got a jernt there called Moe's Original Barbecue.
+But then I heard their city anthem. Give a listen:
+ONLY TUSCALOOSA!
+Guns are only for celebratin'. What do you do with them when you're angry?
+Now, calm down. This could just be an amazing musical coincidence.
+There ain't no coincidences in popular songs, Boney!
+ONLY AUSTIN / ONLY OAKLAND / ONLY CALGARY / ONLY PROVO / ULAN BATOR / AREA FIFTY-ONE!
+We've been singing this song like it only belonged to us! When every city in America has had its lips on it! Even Des Moines...
+Wait a minute. This song was supposedly written by... former Mayor Moleman!
+I met a guy. A wonderful guy.
+I didn't write it! I bought it from a salesman who was selling it to half the towns in America. I didn't think you'd find out... because I never thought any of us would ever go anywhere.
+Well then what do I do with this?
+Now I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery!
+Please be merciful.
+Boy. Sure is nice not to be the one on the horse for a change.
+As Mayor I balanced the budget eight times!
+I still believe in this town... a town that deserves its own original song! And as an aspiring musician with off-Broadway dreams, I'm the one to write it!
+So ordered!
+I'll write that song!
+Pharrell Williams?!
+I'm sorry, everyone, but the eight-year-old girl got there first.
+Shelbyville Rules! Springfield Drools!
+Let's see... What rhymes with "Jebediah"?
+Tire fire.
+How about "Patty and Selma"?
+Fatty and Smell-ya.
+Mr. Teeny?
+Sister weenie.
+Lisa is blown away.
+You've got a gift!
+Well, don't be so surprised, I did write that "Lisa, It's Your Birthday" song.
+Yeah, with that mental patient who thought he was Michael Jackson.
+Whoa. Thinking back, I'm kinda surprised Mom and Dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom.
+Simpler time.
+Bart, I need your help to write a new anthem for Springfield. Will you team up with me?
+Hmmm, what's in it for me?
+Uh, I'll make brownies later.
+Oh Lord.
+Whoa, that is the best deal any songwriter ever got. And that's true even if I don't get the brownies. I'm in.
+I think we might just make a good team. Like Maggie and Grampa.
+What are you doing?
+What's it look like? Writing a song.
+Artists.
+We did it! We wrote an awesome song!
+We make a great brother and sister team. Like Andy and Lana Wachowski.
+Should we hug?
+Hm, how about a fist bump through a towel.
+That works.
+I saved us seats!
+Oh, thank you, Homie!
+Thank you, roll of masking tape!
+Gonna be a tight fit.
+SPRINGFIELD'S THE ONLY HOME WE'VE GOT...
+BUT TO BE FRANK, THERE'S NOT A LOT TO RECOMMEND IT...
+WE'VE GOT A BIG SINKHOLE...
+AND THEY SHUT DOWN THE THINKHOLE...
+HASHTAG "SPRINGFIELD PRIDE" HAS NEVER EVER TREND-ED.
+This is not boosterism.
+Warm up the horse.
+BUT WHEN YOU THINK OF THE THINGS WE LACK...
+'STEAD OF THE STUFF WE'VE GOT...
+WHY SPRINGFIELD? WHY NOT!
+WE'VE ONLY HAD A HURRICANE ONCE!
+WE HAVEN'T HAD A CIRCUS FIRE IN MONTHS!
+SPRINGFIELD -- WHY NOT?!
+WE'RE JUST OFF THE INTERSTATE...
+THE SECOND RIGHT OFF EXIT EIGHT!
+He didn't blow his line! Sarah! Let's have another!
+YOU MAY FIND OUR CULTURE LACKING...
+WE FINALLY OUTLAWED OUR SNAKE WHACKING...
+SURE, OUR COPS ARE EASILY BOUGHT
+BUT, HOORAY FOR SPRINGFIELD / GIVE TWO CHEERS / SMALLPOX-FREE FOR SEVEN YEARS!
+WHY SPRINGFIELD? WHY NOOOOOOOOOOT!
+What a song! I feel as if I'm in the lobby of the Brill Building!
+Homer, it's a standing ovation, get up!
+Our kids just did something amazing!
+Well, not Maggie.
+Get up!
+Okay, okay. Standing O or die!
+Woo hoo!
+Stop laughing at me!
+Occupied.
+Stop fearing me!
+Dammit!
+Please keep spinning it. I don't wanna look at it.
+Can't you say something to make me feel better?
+I'm sorry but I can't. I'm tired of you saying planes have gotten smaller, and two Presidents were fatter than you, and...
+Fine. I got it. Starting right now, a year-long juice cleanse; every morning, I get a colonic, and I sleep in a sauna every night.
+That's not a healthy way to lose weight.
+It's not about health, Marge. It's about going crazy.
+You don't have to do this alone.
+What the?
+This is it.
+My name is Roy. And this week I... gained seven pounds.
+Yes! No shame there!
+You go, girth!
+I'm sorry, I thought you were Over-feeders Anonymous.
+HIS DAUGH-TER LISA!
+No-no. In fact, quite the opposite. We are "Big is Beautiful."
+So... you guys are proud of what you are?
+We do not cower in the shadows. We make the shadows!
+Do you guys serve snacks?
+We've got ice cream hoagies, deep fried sugar bags, Dor-Snickos, Snickeritos, Milky Snicks, porkcicles, and of course, diet soda.
+Mustn't forget the diet soda!
+I have so many questions for you. First of all, is this floor reinforced?
+You know, maybe I shouldn't be here. I promised my wife I'd lose weight.
+If I may...
+Ooh, labels.
+Our loved ones, though precious, can often be a hurdle.
+Who are you?
+Ooh, like Fat Albert.
+We never use the word "fat" here.
+My dear fat friend, all your wife needs is a little education. Now, repeat after me... I am big.
+I am big.
+I am beautiful.
+I have a beauty of a sort to some.
+No one can make me feel bad about who I am because this is who I am.
+Ditto. You know I've always wanted to blindly follow somebody, and I think you just might be the guy.
+Marge, kids! Tonight was a turning point in my life.
+Well that's great, Homie. Just let me finish uploading this photo.
+No, Marge! You have to listen! That place you sent me to changed my life!
+Thank you, Lord. And I'll give up online scrapbooking like I promised.
+They taught me that I don't need to lose weight, I should just be proud of what I am.
+Restore! Restore!
+It's not what you think. His name is Albert and he taught me not to buy into the lies taught by "big nutrition."
+That's worse than what I thought!
+Marge, you're my wife of ten years and I love you. But I must observe the teachings of this man I just met tonight. Now, the first thing I have to do is make amends... with the bathroom scale.
+I'm so sorry I threw you across the room and called you a liar. When you told me I was two hundred and sixty pounds, you were just encouraging me. It was a poem you were writing about my potential. I'm gonna start celebrating my size and I need you with me as a partner. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to the broken porch swing.
+From now on, you guys can no longer say these hateful words.
+Chubby, chunky, blobbo, slobbo, Fat Bastard, Michelin Man, Stay-puft, chumbawamba, It is balloon!, Papa Grandé, Augustus Gloop, Beached Whale, Big Boned, Wisconsin Skinny, Butterball, Dumptruck, Jelly Belly, Pudgy Wudgy, Lard Ass, Blubberino, Buddha Belly, Hurry Eat Tubman, One Ton Soup, Blob Saget, Chub Hub, Calvin Cool Whip, Manfred Manboobs, 21 Lump Street, Walking Before Picture, Fatso, Harvey Milk Chocolate, Obese Want Cannoli, Mahatma Gumbo, Salvador Deli, Elmer Pantry, K.F.C. And The Sponge Cake Band, Snackie Onassis... The Foodie Blues, Hoagie Carmichael and Wide Load.
+What about Mr. Two Belts?
+Good. Good. By which I mean bad, bad.
+You know, as long as we're opening this up and I'm glad you are, I wanna tell you guys that when you call me a gargoyle, a troll, or a homunculus, it kinda hurts my feelin's.
+What? You're kiddin'.
+We never dreamed.
+Who knew goblins had feelings?
+Ya see, that's what I'm talkin' about. Because--
+WE'RE BIG! WE'RE PROUD! TWO OF US CAN MAKE A CROWD!
+Sorry, fellas. There's a movement I have to join. I've learned there's something more important than drinking: eating.
+Thank you for the easy financing. What the?
+Your store is forcing unattainable body images on our young people. I say end the thinsanity!
+You, my friend, are wrong. Every girl should look like a sexy praying mantis from Milan whose hips are narrower than an Italian parliamentary majority. Whoo!
+Okay people, show's over. Nothing to eat here. Now move along... if you can. If not, we're gonna have to take you in.
+Clancy, what are you doing? You're one of us.
+You're right. Take me in Lou.
+Jeez, Lou, you seem to be enjoying this.
+Just doing my job, Chief.
+That's some nice tase work, Lou.
+Homer Simpson?
+Right here.
+Excuse me, pardon me, coming through.
+Comin' back, 'scuse me, pardon me...
+There we go. Comin' up... what can I do for you?
+You're free on bail.
+Thank you. Although, I think the worst thing that ever happened to my husband was joining your group.
+I'll handle this. What is the point of a long life if it's not enjoyed?
+Homer, you have to choose. And I think the choice is clear.
+Guys, I'm comin' back in. Suck in your guts.
+Whee! Whee!
+Who's he giving a piggyback ride to?
+We don't know.
+Mom, what's wrong?
+How come Dad's not with you?
+Are they settin' bail by the pound?
+He chose to spend the night in a jail with strangers instead of with me.
+Mom, Lisa and I learned we could solve any problem through song. Lisa, let's go write something that'll change Dad's mind.
+MARGE, HIS WIFE!
+Do you really think that we can write a song that does that?
+I just wanted to get out of the room. She was really bumming me out.
+Aw, geez, I thought writing another hit song would be easier.
+Well, it would've helped if you hadn't crumpled up all the paper before we wrote anything on it.
+No more judgment. No more jokes. We will not be made to feel less than because we are greater than.
+I was distinctly promised no math!
+Homer, I want to say something extremely important the way a woman does: subtly through someone else. Kids?
+Take it, Bart!
+You take it!
+I gave it to you!
+I refuse to accept it!
+Just start the song!
+We couldn't write a song. We're one-hit wonders! But, is that such a crime? Look at J.D. Salinger.
+Franny and Zooey.
+Rubik's Cube!
+Rubik's Snake!
+Charles M. Schulz.
+You've got me there.
+It's her fault! She was suckin' all the gangsta out of everything!
+Well you're the only "gangsta" I know with a nine o'clock bedtime!
+Nine-thirty, starting in summer! Mom said!
+Oh, kids, stop arguing. Or keep arguing. I don't care. Homer, I'm sorry I tried to help you control your weight. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Sorry I ever open my mouth.
+Marge, it's not your fault that you can't win against a superior being like Albert.
+But Marge, I don't want you to ever stop caring about me.
+How can you follow a leader who won't even get up out of his chair?
+Marge, I believe you're forgetting America's greatest wartime wheelchair-bound leader: Professor X of the X-Men.
+It's not that Professor X wouldn't get up, it's that he couldn't.
+Well I'll show you who can get up!
+That's right! I don't need this scooter! All of you! Follow me to the future!
+Oh, dear God. Stick a forklift in him, he's dead.
+I've never written an eulogy before, but this time I did. Unfortunately, I left it at home.
+Thanks, lady.
+What Albert taught us is that all people have pride and no group should ever be insulted. He knew what was important was how you lived your life every day...till he was taken from us too soon at the age of...
+Twenty-three?! People, for God's sake, join a gym.
+Amen. / I hear that. /
+Kumiko, would you still love me if I lost weight?
+Much more!
+Marge, I'm sorry I was proud of myself.
+That's not really what I was--
+It will never happen again. Now come on, let's walk home.
+Absolutely.
+Can I ask you something? What is it that keeps you with me?
+It's because everything you love, you love so much.
+And because you love me, I will not stop yo-yo dieting till I get it right.
+At last.
+Bart's very mature. Take it from the little boy in his tummy. Now when do I get to be the head again?
+It's always "soon."
+I wish I'd said that earlier.
+HERE'S HOMER SIMPSON!
+AND THE PROB-LEM CHILD!
+You finally reached emotional maturity. Unlike Bart.
+Marge! Stop that crazy thing!
+I've printed out our driving plan! If we work together, we can get Bart to his sports...Lisa to her music...and Maggie to the five birthday parties she's invited to today.
+I'm not spending my precious Saturday chauffeuring those over-privileged kids to a better life than I ever had.
+I need a ride to Cub Scouts.
+Homie! Are you dressed? You have soccer setup in twenty minutes! Homie?!
+Moe, quick! Beer me before I answer the phone!
+Ah, the first pour of the day. Let me just tie on my apron, limber up the ol' tap-pullin' arm...
+I need it now!
+Hey, Marge. I'm supposed to help drive the kids? Oh, man, I wish I knew that sooner, but I just had a beer.
+You're already drinking at eight o'clock in the morning? How much have you had?
+Woo hoo! Off the hook!
+Looks like this is all me.
+Yeah, while you're at it can you pick me up some beer?
+Well, we've got an hour. Who wants coffee?
+Okay, but I'm buyin'.
+No, no, I insist. I'm stealing.
+See ya at the bake sale, sucker!
+...So Sideshow Mel is drinkin' here all afternoon. When I show him the tab, he says he left his wallet in his other skirt, and he pays me with this!
+Hey, this is a ticket to see Laney Fontaine -- she's the brassiest broad on Broadway!
+She's funny and vulgar and fulla Hollywood stories, like, uh... Jimmy Stewart was a super-nice guy.
+Geez, now I wanna go!
+Why can'tcha?
+I can't close down the bar on a Saturday. That's when you guys can drink 'cause you're not workin' for three days.
+Hey Moe... I'll take care of the bar. You did me a favor today.
+Huh... well, okay. Uh, let me just show you where everything is... shotgun, shotgun shells, blood mop, bag of lime -- and that's it. Now boys, I gotta get dressed for the, uh, "theatah"!
+And done.
+Dare I say it? Yippee!
+Ooh, I didn't know we could decorate our cars.
+No-no. It's a Here2There smile. When that's on my grille, I'm getting' paid to drive people around.
+So you're a taxi?
+No. No, no. No. We're a social media-based ride share service. We bring the "fair" back to "fares." Those aren't air quotes. My fingers start doing that after they're around the wheel all day.
+Well, I drive all day and I don't get paid a thing. With the money you make, I could buy a fridge with... an icemaker.
+You wanna work for us?
+Are you over twenty-three?
+And are you under eighty?
+You're in!
+What the? When I was a young car I didn't sit around smilin' like I had nothin' better to do!
+Man, Moe's barely got two nickels to rub together.
+I know a way we can make this Moe's biggest Saturday night ever.
+How does Moe make money if ladies drink free?
+That's the beauty part. This place is about to be filled with guys, buyin' beers, hoping to meet ladies. Huh.
+Brilliant! Ooh, and thanks for telling me what the beauty part of it was.
+So they pulled out my gallbladder, zip me up, I grabbed a cab, tapped my understudy and said "not tonight, honey." And here's the song I killed 'em with!
+IF THIS ISN'T LOVE / THE WHOLE WORLD IS CRAZY / IF THIS ISN'T LOVE /
+WHO'S THIS, PATRICK SWAYZE?
+She changed the lyrics... for me!
+Then came the bombs... "Tobacco Valley," "What Color Is Your Tambourine?," and "The Smell Of Music." But I'm still here, and I'd like to dedicate this song to the one great love of my life... the man who was my third and fifth husband. But you never know what the future holds.
+Not a man in sight. We got the...Cheery Red Tomatoes...a bachelorette party...
+Ooh! Lady Duff!
+I am woman, hear me pour! Oh yeah!
+There's no guys! We haven't made any money.
+Not yet, but at least we're hearing some interesting conversation from those two book clubs.
+Well, we thought "The Heaven Lovers' Club" was rich and spiritual.
+We thought it was maybe a little slow!
+Well, maybe I can liven it up for ya.
+Let me help you up.
+Okay, stop here, please.
+So this is the charming tavern you've been telling me about.
+Yep. Nice and cozy and... Whaaaa?!
+My craphole! My precious craphole!
+Anyone tries to stop me and you'll see her lovely bones all over the floor!
+This is nuts!
+Tell me you still work, Love Tester!
+I'm ruined!
+Sorry, Moe. I love losers, but only after they've bounced at the bottom. 'CAUSE I'M THE BRASSIEST PIECE OF SASS IN THIS WHOLE DAMN TOWN!
+You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age!
+Hey, come on, all is not lost. This coaster's fine.
+You are not my friends. To me you're just mouths drinkin' beers!
+You can't mean that!
+We don't look at you that way.
+Yeah, I-I'm sorry for snappin' at you guys. But, but I'm ruint. I-I'll have to live on my savings here.
+All right, who rubbed my nickels?!
+Hey, wait a minute! We can get you a job! There's an opening at the nuclear plant 'cause of that guy that defected to North Korea.
+Good ol' Dae Ho. Used to give me the pickles off his sandwich. And all I had to do was let him copy some keys.
+Moe, can you pass a background check?
+Ummmmmmmmm... ehhhhhhhh... errrrrrr... ehhhhhhhhh... ehhhhhh sure.
+Well, then you're in!
+Yeah, how far do they go back?
+Six months.
+Kay, I'm gonna apply in a week.
+Ooh, Mom. Someone wants you to give them a ride.
+At last! I'll earn money for schlepping!
+Wow, your mom has a job and my Dad still doesn't?
+Just wait till winter comes, son. There'll be driveways to salt. Long, long driveways!
+Thanks for the lift. It's nice to know I can get a ride without having to put out.
+You're welcome. And if you really want to get your belly button pierced, go see a professional.
+I'm ready for ya, babe.
+I'm gonna have this done properly at a kiosk in the mall. I'm Shauna.
+Welcome to Springfield Nuclear, Szyslak. We'll start you off in janitorial, but there is room for advancement.
+How come on your badge you got a mustache, but now you're not wearin' one, eh?
+Hey, I sure appreciate this, fellas. What you guys did to me, then for me, I'll never forget slash forgive. So, thanks a lot. Also thanks a lot.
+What's for dinner, mom?
+I'm... I'm sorry, but I'm not your mother.
+Hey, I'm the one paying.
+Fine. There's meatloaf...
+Ooh! What's meatloaf?
+Left, left, left, leffft, left, left...left, left, uhhh... left...
+Flamingoes turn pink from eating shrimp! Cats have over a hundred vocal chords! The Golden Gate Bridge is the longest span between two towers!
+Why are you telling me all these things?
+Isn't this Cash Cab?
+It's never Cash Cab.
+Faster!
+Slower!
+Hard a port!
+Disco Stu says hang a U!
+Make a Louie up here at the...
+...stop sign...
+...blood bank...
+...girl with big...
+...punching bags...
+...so for the love of God, get me to Mexico!
+Hey, swabby. You've missed spots there... and another one there... and there... Every other spot is begrimed!
+It's called a checkerboard floor, ya unwrapped mummy.
+You're f...
+Sir, the N.R.C. is here for a surprise inspection!
+We are gonna search this place from top to bottom.
+That's where all the problems are!
+Yeah, I'll handle this. So, you're the head inspector?
+Yes I am.
+I was Freddie Mercury in a Queen cover band. But then I got demoted to Brian May.
+Yeah, well, I'm thrilled for your musical career and everything, but, uh, we got no way of knowing that this is you.
+I mean, we gotta be careful here. This is one them, uh, highly-sensitive joints.
+It'll take me weeks to grow that mustache back. Or years to get a new badge!
+Yeah, well, that's your problem, ain't it?
+You will see us again... in God knows when.
+Young man, how do you fit such brilliance into such an ugly ethnic head?
+Well, if you own a bar, you either keep it clean or learn to deal with inspectors. And Moe don't clean.
+Interesting attitude for a janitor. What say we make you the new supervisor of Sector 7-G?!
+Me, a supervisor?! I feel like I overdosed and went to Heaven.
+Those smile cars are cutting into our business. We used to get über amounts of work giving people Lyfts.
+I come to America to drive taxi. Now my cab sits empty like Sochi Marriot.
+Well, boss... the main problem is Marge Simpson. She's prompt, courteous and a joy to ride with.
+How do you know so much?
+Oh, she, uh, drives me to work every day. And unlike the rest of you cowards, she's not afraid to parallel park!
+Whoa, fellas, that is not acceptable. This is a nuclear plant.
+Huh... no one was in there.
+Look Moe, the least you could let me do is anything I want.
+All right, let me be honest with yous. After all the money this plant lost on that nitwit Elon Musk, they're lookin' for cutbacks. So I've been goin' over your record.
+Forty-three is missing again!
+Yeah, the only reason you haven't been fired is because your file here was holdin' up a sofa that was missin' a leg.
+Well, that's the logic. Where's the affection?
+Well as supervisor, I can't fraternize with the... uh... what's the word... scum. Anyway, because I am your friend, you are safe. But you're gonna be reassigned.
+Smithers, what profit a man if he gain the world and lose his soul. Seriously. I need an amount. In round dollars.
+Plant-watering guy.
+Yes, yes, go ahead. And be careful with the Venus flytrap!
+All right.
+They say you catch more flies with honey. I say with flytraps!
+What do I do now?
+Just lean into it. It'll be over soon, one way or another.
+Oh, all right.
+Hey guys, you mind if I join you? They ran out of Beaujolais Cru in the executive dining room and I ain't drinkin' white with my coq au freakin' vin!
+I think I'd rather sit somewhere else.
+Yeah. I'm gonna take my lunch back to the core.
+Now they won't even have lunch with me.
+Well, you know people can kinda act like they're in grade school.
+Oh, now you gotta throw your grade school education in my face?!
+You know, Moe, you're a real jerk. I didn't mind so much when it came with beer.
+I don't need youse. I'm all the company I need.
+I just lost my appetite.
+Marge, which can makes me look cooler? The Drizzler or Mr. Drip?
+Aw, your leaves are drooping. Here, let me turn that gloom into bloom.
+Homer Simpson. Working with those plants is great! It's helped you get in touch with your feminine side.
+Feminine?!
+I didn't mean to use that word! It's okay to have a feminine side. It's good in fact!
+IT WAS RAINING HARD IN SPRINGFIELD / I NEEDED ONE MORE FARE TO MAKE MY NIGHT
+I GOT A PUSH NOTIFICATION ON MY SMARTPHONE / PASSENGER AHEAD, RACE: WHITE
+Mind if we drive in silence for a bit?
+Whatever you want.
+I ASKED IF THERE WAS SOMEWHERE I COULD TAKE HIM / HE SAID "JUST DRIVE ME LADY BLUE" / I SAID "I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF UNHAPPY FARES" / HE SAID "I SURE MISS SLINGIN' BREW"
+Moe, I think we'd both be a lot happier if we quit our new jobs.
+You know, I think you're right there, Midge. I'm gonna build my bar back up better than ever. How hard can it be, eh?
+Oh God! This is so much worse than I remember.
+So, you drop off your lover and go back to stealing our jobs.
+He's not my lover!
+Let the man speak!
+Medallions!
+Air fresheners!
+Step away from the social media-enabled, peer-to-peer ride share platform!
+Now, promise me you'll leave her be, and wipe down your back seats annually...
+Aw come on!
+Okey-dokey!
+Now beat it!
+Uh, I think it might be time to hang up the ol' beaded seat cover there.
+Yup. And I know a place that could use this smile.
+It's sure great to see you jerking our suds again, Moe.
+Yeah, I figured out that the best way for me to get along with most people is to be kept behind a two foot chunk of solid oak.
+Looks more like poplar to me.
+Why youse! Correcting me on my knowledge of wood products!
+So good to be back.
+Well, I'm back where I belong, eh?
+You're not alone anymore.
+What the Hell was that?!
+Oh, you'll find out.
+How come there's never a "Take Your Son To Work Day?"
+'Cause boys are already on track to get all the good jobs. The Dirty Dozen? All guys. Twelve Angry Men? Men! The X-Men? Mostly men.
+Good one, Dad.
+Well, despite all that, today's gonna be fun, Dad! Will there be lots of other girls there?
+...after we show you the wealth of jobs in the steno pool, a hearty luncheon of bison with lake beaver will be served...
+...and upon leaving you will each receive a piece of orangewood to bite down on during childbirth. Excellent.
+It's getting harder and harder to maintain my sunny disposition, Smithers.
+You're always my ray of...
+Shut up.
+Is it called the cooling tower because there's--
+Not my department.
+Curse that Elon Musk! Thanks to that Earth-smooching buttinski, I'm on the verge of bankruptcy. All I have left are the clothes on my back and the clones in my freezer.
+I had to replace my beloved hounds with teacup poodles. It's pathetic. Watch. Release the hounds!
+No! Help! Oh, stop!
+But I have a new scheme that will undo the terrible damage done by my other schemes. I have an appointment with a Nigerian King to negotiate a uranium deal that will put me right back on top.
+Nothing can stop you, sir.
+But... not that you're not at the top of your game... what if you don't get the deal?
+I'll just have to sell everything and move to the South Pacific with you. What a grim fate that would be.
+And with your omelet, would you like the fried potatoes or the mixed berries?
+I'll have the berries.
+A terrible fate indeed, sir.
+Dad, do you have anything I can eat?
+Oh, uh, I will turn this corn chip into a wonderful meal, using my greatest skill -- lunchroom trading. Shut your eyes.
+Pretty impressive, Homer.
+But what about the presentation? The eyes taste first, then lips, then palate, then the body's harshest critic, the colon.
+Okay, sweetie, open those baby blacks!
+Wow, Dad! Thank you!
+Welcome, your Majesty.
+Mr. Burns, I don't know what you have heard, but I do not eat monkey brains from a skull.
+Oh, this is for me.
+Before we begin, I have a favor to ask.
+My daughter is traveling with me.
+That man is the perfect choice.
+What?! Sir, that's Homer Simpson. You forgot that he's the most incompetent...Homer Simpson would be perfect.
+Simpson, all you have to do is babysit the Princess -- keeping her in this hotel room during the negotiations.
+Babysitting, eh? What do I know about kids?
+Princess, why did you put on that coat? You're obviously cold. May I escort you to the radiator?
+No. I want to go out. I am twenty-five years old.
+Uh, just a second. Hey, Marge. Yeah, I'm workin' late. Yep, special project.
+Lenny said you were babysitting. And if you are babysitting, why can't you do some at home? I could use a night out.
+Sorry, Marge. But I am the royal babysitter. If I start watching commoners, the tongues of the court will be awag!
+Really? Awag? Really? Well, if you think tha--
+I want to go out, and see the America whose greatest cities I've only seen destroyed in movies.
+I see. You want excitement. Princess, have you ever heard of Studio Fifty-Four, C-B-G-Bs, the Roxbury?
+Yes! I've dreamed of...
+All gone. But in their place we have five hundred channels of television. All awesome. Sit down and I'll show you.
+So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant?
+He's called "The Bachelor."
+Please let me go out.
+All right, Princess. I'll take you to a place that's fun with a capital F.
+Really? Tell me something: I've heard that Queen Elizabeth in person is actually not that funny.
+I am from Africa.
+Wow, Africa. I had a good friend who really wanted to go there. So, uh, you speak English there?
+I speak five languages.
+Nobody does.
+Eu não quero dizer para mostrar Je ne veux pas montrer No me refiero a presumir Watashi wa koji suru wakede wa arimasen
+Eh... which means what?
+I don't wish to show off.
+That's pretty good there, but don't expect me to bow and scrape. Well, I'll give you one scrape.
+Yeah, that's it, Majesty. Notice I didn't say "your."
+They don't make them like you in Nigeria.
+Nigeria?
+Homer, can I speak to you in private?
+Can I try it?
+Eh, you gotta be mad at something.
+Well, I'm mad I'm not doing it.
+And you gave it to him?
+Yeah, I did. I was sure the guy was on the level because of his bad spelling and grammar.
+Now, guess how much of the twenty million I saw?
+Eight million?
+Get outta here!
+If Kemi there is a Nigerian princess, her brother just might be the Nigerian prince that took my money!
+She's gone!
+And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait. She actually cleaned up a little. Good for her.
+Chief! Thank God! I was drinking at Moe's, and I lost an African princess!
+Lost African princess, eh? Well, lucky for you, she just happens to be in the back of my cruiser.
+Yes! The prayer I forgot to say has been answered.
+What the?
+You're going straight to the drunk tank, rummy. "African princess."
+Chief! I just saw someone robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart!
+Oh, now African Princesses are robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart, huh? Get in the car, booze bag.
+Chief! I have been shot in the shoulder!
+In the car!
+What is this, Saint Patrick's Day?
+This is terrible. Can't think of anything to mumble to myself. That's how upset I am here.
+Also... maybe... I wanted to talk more to you.
+Really?
+Okay there, Moe. You gotta get to the brother, because he knows what my pin number is and I forgot.
+Now Moe, don't jump to conclusions. A lotta people have brothers.
+Does he have a computer?
+It's him!
+Guys, thanks for bailing me out. But I still have a huge problem.
+Well, till we find her, maybe we could get somebody to pretend to be her.
+You know, get a nice wig and a dress...
+Oh no. I am not dressing up like an African Princess. I am not, I am not, I am not.
+Thank you for listening to my objections.
+Well, you were really vehement.
+Uh, hello, Simpson. Just checking up. May I speak with the princess?
+Um, yeah, sure. Hello, this is the princess. I'm with Homer Simpson and I do declare he's wonderful. Oh, that's right, I'm from South Africa. Fiddle dee dee.
+Sounds like everything's going just the way I want it.
+Yeah, so all my money's tied up in this jernt. Can't even afford elocution lessons to teach me how to pronounce "joint." I guess I could do it online, but what's the pernt?
+What's so funny?
+I thought my English was perfect. But you make me feel even better about it.
+Usually people that tease me get thrown out on their ass. But, uh, your sayin' it made me feel good. Jeez, I sound like one of those guys in theM rom coms that play at the theater next to the theater I'm in.
+So, uh, what's a Princesses like you do all day, eh? A lot of spinning wheels and witches treatin' you like crap?
+I read. Are you familiar with the books by my countryman Chinua Achebe, "Things Fall Apart" and "No Longer At Ease?"
+You guys got real optimistic literature there.
+Fair comment.
+I haven't eaten all day.
+Don't eat those eggs! We don't know what kinda bird they turn into! But there's a string cheese or something in the fridge in the back. Help yourself.
+Alright, after she eats, I'd better close up. C'mon, pal.
+That's really stuck there good.
+I can't be mad at her no more.
+Goodnight, moon.
+Goodnight, broom. Good night jukebox that won't play a tune.
+Goodnight eggs. Goodnight dregs. Goodnight bugs crawlin' up my legs. Goodnight beer. Goodnight mice. Goodnight Princess who treats me nice. Yeah.
+So my offer... for one ton of your uranium... is a goat.
+Will you stop offering me that? I come from a modern nation of ninety million people!
+Two goats.
+You are starting to insult me.
+All right, let's cut to the chase. My board has given me permission to go up to... twelve goats.
+How 'bout here, sir?
+I'm so sorry I pretended not to be gay for all those years. Better an old queen than never a queen at all.
+Pay attention! My last offer: twenty million goats.
+Okay, fine. But, no dogs disguised as goats.
+Oh great! Here comes the haggling!
+Well, well, look who's up. Princess, I'm gonna do something for you I've never done for anyone in this bar: call you a cab.
+No. I want to spend time with you. I want to see this town.
+Do you mind ridin' on a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist?
+I don't.
+To the scooter store!
+And after you eat the soup you can eat the bowl or you can put coins in it. Whatever you like.
+I have a confession to make. This is my first montage.
+Just relax and enjoy the music.
+Moe Szyslak!
+This is the part of the fairytale where the princess goes back to the hotel and watches TV!
+Come with me.
+Just move the pedals!
+Whoa, sounds like the tower has cleared us for takeoff...
+We're tryin' to escape that guy!
+Well, dude, as long as he can run, he can beat us.
+So anyways, the place that I really feel the pedaling? It's my legs.
+Okay, all right, we're safe.
+Actually, I wanted to go back with him. I don't want to get my father mad.
+Go back? But I didn't show you the place where Dave Grohl got mugged.
+I have to leave. But I still had a wonderful day.
+Thank God I shaved my forehead this morning.
+A paparazzo! Please don't send that! If my father sees it, it will ruin my life!
+Well thanks for making it so easy.
+And you have the twenty million goats.
+Two now. Nineteen million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight on delivery.
+Very good.
+Um, shouldn't we see how the Princess is doing before you sign, Your Majesty?
+What are you talking about, Smithers?
+I can't even trust you to watch an impetuous adult who does what she wants. The deal is off!
+Wow. After spending my life serving others, I'm finally gonna get what I want.
+Sir, there may be a bright side...
+There's never a bright side!
+He's almost mine!
+Yes, you've torn that up all right.
+Father! I want to explain. I was a young woman who wanted to see the world, and this kind man has shown it to me.
+And stolen your heart.
+Eh, well, that's what I do. Sorry, but there ain't no off switch for this.
+He has not stolen my heart.
+Why has he made the ancient tribal sound of confusion?
+I think he is a sweet, sweet man. But when I kissed him on the forehead, it was not romantic. More like when Snow White kissed Dopey.
+No, no, not this comparison again!
+I'm sorry, Moe. I don't love you, but I really like you.
+Well, daughter. Even though you have done nothing seriously wrong, first I will tear this contract one more time.
+And as for you, your punishment will be...
+Uh, may I speak to you, Majesty, father to father?
+A woman has allowed you to sire her children?
+There was beer involved. I have two daughters. And I've learned you have to let them go their own way. Even the one-year-old.
+Majesty.
+And the older one, I can't tell her what to do. And she's only twelve.
+See what I mean? Always an argument.
+But the thing you have to remember is that you have to let them be who they are because you love them...
+I am not convinced.
+...uh, because you want them to grow...
+Still not convinced.
+...and because you can't strangle a girl.
+That makes sense.
+Come here, daughter.
+Oh, father.
+Little girl, let me give you some advice. Never dream big because it will blow up in your face.
+You're talking to the girl who wants a career in jazz.
+Poor thing.
+So the good King's cheap uranium will allow me to sell you expensive nuclear power. Everyone wins.
+Yes, yes. Princess! Can you tell us about the man you kissed?
+I'll field that. Yesterday, a local man may or may not have given a tour to a certain princess, who, uh, one assumes, turned all his thoughts of revenge to love and then love to respect.
+And yesterday, a certain Princess may or may not have seen much of your world with a certain man, and she certainly might be eternally grateful.
+Oh, this is vague stuff. Vague stuff!
+I did not think this through.
+Moe, before I left, I just wanted to give you these examples of our most beloved, albeit depressing, literature.
+Ah, some nice bedtime readin'.
+Fun premise.
+I'm laughing already.
+Really not cheerin' me up here, but uh, let me offer you the only literature in this bar. Sure works for me though.
+This coaster.
+I will treasure it.
+Well, I guess you'll pine forever for a man who doesn't care, while I just grow old here in this bar.
+Here's to suffering in silence.
+Can't wait to see those numbers hanging from my rafters.
+I can't believe it's been three years since Smithers left. Man, have I been aging badly. But I guess I can finally wash this forehead.
+Divine.
+Oh God, what do you want?
+Well, neighbor, now that your streak of rum luck is at its end, I have a favor to ask.
+It involves charity.
+I've set up the Virgin Earth Challenge, a twenty-five million dollar prize to eliminate greenhouse gasses, that I was hoping you would add to...
+You never let me tell!
+Where are the hounds when I need them?
+They're on a free Virgin Galactic flight around the world.
+Can you go five blasted minutes without saying the word "virgin?"
+That's another Virgin Challenge. That I will not be Virgin taking. Virgin.
+Love you guys!
+Jet pack! Of course I'm Clancy Wiggins, you idiot.
+Chief... Clancy... Jetpack.
+Okay, okay, I think I got it.
+Now I got it. I got it.
+Oof. Why don't you take that thing off, chief? It's starting to smell.
+What, so you can steal it and be Sky Police? Ohhh no. No way.
+Um. Oh. Well... there's only one floating future cop who can find that missing jet pack -- the Sky Police!
+THIS IS THE END OF SKY POLICE...
+You were the wind beneath my ass.
+What percentage of prayers really come true?
+Well, not all of them. Like, um, ninety percent?
+God doesn't hear my prayers. If he did, I'd be at home on the couch playing video games in a diaper.
+Oh, God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from LinkedIn.
+I hope no one was hurt.
+Don't worry, Reverend, according to your policy, your church is covered for everything but acts of God.
+Mom, the freezer broke and--!
+But we believe everything that happens everywhere is an act of God.
+My jiminy, you're right! We're off the hook!
+Go Southern Illinois!
+Saluki Strut!
+It's a mixed-use nightmare!
+But you don't go to our church.
+Granted, I do not share your faith. But the yahoos in this town need a church to deliver weekly reminders not to steal -- from me, not to take a life -- my life.
+Without organized religion I've lost me moral compass. Also I've, uh, I've been addicted to Oxy for a while now... yar.
+Now this is what I have got in mind...
+I will whisper even though we are alone.
+Marge has brought this heathen to aid us in our time of need.
+Please do not call me a heathen. It offends Hanuman, the monkey-headed lord of winds, who believed the sun to be a ripe mango... Okay, I get it. I get why you say it.
+Apu thinks we can get the money -- at the casino playing blackjack.
+The casino?!
+Blackjack's for suckers. My brother? He used to own three Arby's franchises -- lost 'em all at the tables and gave himself a shotgun tonsillectomy.
+What I told you was to wait in the car.
+The Mumbai Institute of Tantric Sex... where I was recruited by a card-counting ring.
+Am I hearing this right? Is the church council truly considering... gambling?
+You know Ned, the Bible never explicitly condemns gambling. Biblical folks were always playing games of chance, like uh... drawing lots.
+Card counting is not gambling. It is math.
+And it's not even against the rules.
+Dad, mom trusted us with a secret--
+Exactly. If you are caught you cannot be charged with any crime. The worst they will do is beat you with a phone book or break some fingers... But what is a little pain if your church is to be saved!
+It is all good.
+Counting cards requires absolute focus. You must ignore all casino distractions.
+And beware of cocktail waitresses with free drinks and eyeball-height cleavage! They're not attractive, but you cannot look away!
+Freshen your drink, hon? / Who had the scotch and soda? / Cocktails! Cocktails! / Another one hon?
+You -- what is the count?
+Get your head in the game, Mel!
+Remember, for this legal but-frowned-upon scheme to work, we must have complete secrecy. Do not tell anyone what you are doing.
+Not even Homer?
+Homer is many things, but not a good accomplice. If he gets involved and this scheme fails, what happens to our church?
+Even I saw that. I guess I can't tell Homer.
+Well, to raise money, we're... putting on a revue.
+Yeah, so, uh, I'm going out to rehearse... the revue.
+Go, go make magic. You just go.
+Revue...
+Card counting is simple.
+You all sit at different tables, betting low, playing hand after hand, "counting" in your head how many high cards are left in the deck.
+Ignore all distractions!
+When the count is high, you have a "hot deck" and the odds are in your favor. Then, you use a secret signal to call in The Closer.
+The Closer bets big, wins bigger, and the casino never suspects that it has been the victim of a morally-acceptable screw job.
+--but she hasn't come home yet and we're worried she's in trouble!
+But use caution. There are eyes everywhere. Sooner or later, the casino will catch on...
+What a haul!
+I think we can do something a little harder than that.
+Mmm! Now that's a marshmallow-y s'more-garita!
+Oh boy oh boy.
+One AM lovin' and two AM steak? Night marriage rules! I guess nothing gets the heart pumping like a church revue.
+Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... the revue.
+What are the skits about?
+Uh... pop culture and current events.
+How do you transition between scenes -- hard blackouts or spotlight fades?
+Nice. You know, it wouldn't be a revue without songs. Tell me about one.
+Okay... There's a song about, um... how Democrats and Republicans can't get along. It's called "Cats and Dogs."
+You got yourself one hell of a show, Marge. One hell of a show.
+Okay, okay, don't get cocky, you rapture-waiting baby-baptizers! You had one good night, but now the casino is on to you. They're not going to let you anywhere near those blackjack tables... unless you wear these.
+Disguises? I'm worried that our scam is becoming dishonest.
+Why, I bet the Lord is pleased as punch that we're using that dirty casino money to rebuild his temple. Our mission is one hundred percent pure.
+Where has this been all my life?
+I could be Sideshow anyone!
+I'm telling mom about how the school freezer broke and they had to cook all the tater tots and the teachers took the extra tots home in manila envelopes!
+I'm telling her!
+Cook all the tater tots! / There were too many tots! / And the teachers took them home in manila envelopes! / I hate you!
+Ok, Mel. I'll be at the casino by ten. Meet me at the lounge by the J. Geils cover band.
+Are you... a hostess?
+Actually... my friends and I are using a system to win money to save the church.
+I can't believe you're gambling.
+It's not gambling! It's math.
+Is Dad in on this takedown?
+It's not a takedown! And I haven't told him about it -- yet.
+But it's okay for you guys to know, because you're finally grown-up enough to be trusted with adult information.
+Yeah, we are grown up.
+I know how much to tip a waiter.
+I go on hikes with my friends where we talk about our problems.
+I'll tell your dad everything in the morning when we have the money. But until then, I appreciate you keeping this very grown-up secret.
+Homie, Homie, I can finally tell you how we really got the money...
+Marge? Some casino guys have me, and they want the money you took from them, or else.
+This is all my fault.
+Just tell me one thing, Marge. Why did you lose faith in the revue? I mean, "Cats and Dogs" writes itself. CATS AND DOGS ON CAPITAL HILL / THEY DON'T GET ALONG AND NEVER WILL
+CATS AND DOGS, SQUABBLE'S NEVER ENDING / EVEN WITH SO MUCH LEGISLATION PENDING!
+Homie. How did you end up at the casino?
+Well, I was taking a moment to enjoy my after dinner night cap...
+Mom's counting cards at the casino!
+If anything happens to Marge... we'll all be orphans!
+I'm comin' for ya baby!
+Have you seen this woman? Have you? Have you seen my wife?
+This is your wife?
+Do you know where she is?
+Uh, we'd like to ask you some questions in our "beating room."
+All right, as long as it's just questions.
+Reverend! Reverend! They took Homer!
+Oh, Asphodel...
+Your corpse bride is getting cold!
+Uh, one second, Belladonna! Helen and I have found that, uh, these new personas have been quite liberating...
+Was that a woman's voice? Send her in!
+If we don't give back the money we won counting cards, the casino people are going to hurt Homer!
+Are you gonna put my head in a vise?
+We don't do that. We don't even have a vise.
+We just want the money your wife stole from us.
+Stole? How is counting cards stealing?
+Well, it's not really stealing.
+Is it even cheating?
+No, but-- it's just not allowed.
+I don't get it. Football players can do the quarterback sneak, and baseball players can steal bases. Why can't I just remember which cards have been played?
+I can't take any more of this guy. Get the vise.
+I knew you had a vise! I knew it!
+I'm sorry, Marge. Maybe your husband's suffering was all part of God's plan.
+God's plan?! God isn't some video gamer up there controlling us like we were pac men and dig dugs! God isn't Sky Police. God didn't do this. I lied to my husband, and made my kids lie too! We did this.
+She's right. We thought we could enter the den of sin and emerge unscathed. But we were scathed! Those free ginger ales at the casino... I didn't declare them on my taxes!
+I'm going to do what I should've done in the first place.
+Put on a revue?
+I don't know if you watch us all the time, or if we're just like an ant farm you got for your birthday and left on the shelf, and every once in a while you check out what kind of crazy tunnels we've built.
+Maybe we got it all wrong praying for things we want and hoping we get them. Maybe prayer is just taking a moment to tell yourself that there is good in the universe. And I'm going to sit here and focus on that good, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get my husband back.
+My family loves your microwave lasagnas.
+It's not my division. But I'll tell Bill Kelley you said so.
+I want my husband back!
+Hm. Let me run it by Jennifer Yang. Oh wait, she's on maternity leave. Don't worry. I'm sure Chuck Bennett will sign off on it.
+We are going to release your husband.
+See Marge, someone up in the sky did hear your prayers...
+They sure did... casino management.
+You are free to leave as long as your faith-based card counting group never return to this or any other river or maritime casino.
+No deal!
+But we don't need to come back. We saved the church.
+No! An injustice has gone on here for too long.
+I'm not leaving this casino until you stop punishing people for counting cards. They're just playing the game by the rules!
+Homie, after all this, do you still believe in God?
+On a beautiful night like tonight... how could I not?
+Next week on "Sky Police".
+Sky police!
+Hello. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as "Cry Yuma!" and "Here Comes the Coast Guard". But today I'd like to talk to you about a pleasant-tasting candy that actually cleans and straightens your teeth.
+There's no confusion, Tina, just good science. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
+Find a way.
+I'm actor Troy McClure.
+You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory," but I'm here to tell you about... Spiffy, a Twenty-First Century stain remover. Let's meet the inventor -- Dr. Nick Riviera.
+One of our best writers.
+So, what, I guess we're gonna throw it away.
+Quoth the Raven, "What a shine!"
+I'm afraid you're gonna have to do better, Doctor.
+Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as "Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly," and "Here Comes the Metric System!" I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What."
+This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago he noticed his voice was changing, he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny!
+Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park... the ice cream social... the boat show... and various other wholesome activities. And they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married!
+That night came the honeymoon.
+The most satisfying part of the night was knowing that they waited.
+Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful bunnies. Eight survive.
+And now that you know how it's done, don't do it.
+Here's an appealing fellow. In fact they're "a-peeling" him off the sidewalk.
+Oh, hi. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid." Well now I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health. That's right, it's... the Brad Goodman... something or other.
+A few weeks ago I was a washed up actor with a drinking problem. Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified wine.
+Ahhh. Sweet liquor eases the pain. And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the "you" in impr-you-vement... Brad Goodman!
+My God. It's like you've known me all my life.
+Doctor, you've solved all my problems.
+This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing.
+He had terrible acne. And had fur where there was no fur before. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.
+Fuzzy went to the park, the ice cream social, the boat show and various other wholesome activities. And they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married. That night came the honeymoon.
+Mac, you gotta get me that part!
+Oh, Princess Fair, willst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?
+Hey, these guys are all over the road!
+No, just one. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as "The Greatest Story Ever Hula'd" and "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall."
+You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me to wear glasses? It'd be a crime against nature!
+Ooof! Hel-looo, beautiful. John Law tells me I might need to wear these glasses.
+Uh, W-seven-star-pound...
+Look, Miss Boo-Veer. As an actor I depend on my remarkable looks. If you could find it in your heart to pass me, I'm sure I could find some way to repay you...
+... Say, by buying you dinner?
+That took a lotta class.
+Uh, yes, I'm over there.
+So... working at the DMV must be very interesting.
+I've been reading a lot of scripts lately. You know, it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.
+Yeah, me too... You need a ride somewhere?
+Here you go, boys. A little something for Page One.
+MacArthur Parker the agent? MacArthur Parker my agent?
+We haven't spoken in 8 years.
+You haven't found me work in 12 years.
+Hello, Selma Bouvier?
+It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner...
+That's right, boys. Troy's back from the gutter and he's brought someone with him!
+That's too funny! I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote! Okay, now you tell one.
+Really? Who was it? George Segal? I hear he plays the banjo.
+Got a light?
+Here, try one of my cigars.
+That's not cigars, baby, that's love.
+Just a second, baby.
+Selma, Jub-jub is fan-tastic. He's everywhere you wanna be.
+Welcome to your new home, baby. It's fan-tastic.
+Garbage collection is Monday. If you wanna throw out a box, you have to cut it up.
+Now you just make yourself at home here... I'll be sleeping downstairs in the Visitors' Center.
+I'll see you in the morning. And get ready for tennis. It comes on at ten.
+Uh... the movie or the planet?
+It's the part I was born to play, baby!
+GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME, YOU DIRTY APE!!
+I CAN SIIIIING!
+WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
+I WANT A SECOND OPINION.
+CAN I PLAY THE PIANO ANYMORE?
+WELL, I COULDN'T BEFORE.
+I HATE EVERY APE I SEE / FROM CHIMPAN A TO CHIMPAN Z! / NO, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A MONKEY OUT OF ME!
+OH MY GOD! I WAS WRONG! / IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG! / YOU'VE FINALLY MADE A MONKEY -
+YES, YOU'VE FINALLY MADE A MONKEY OUT OF ME!
+I love you, Dr. Zaius.
+Thank you, it's great to be back! I just want to say I wouldn't be here without the support of a very special lady -- my always outrageous fianceé, Selma. Take a bow, Sugarbeet!
+My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water! Hi, I'm Troy McClure -- your future uncle!
+You know, I was one of the first to speak out against horseplay.
+Yeah, it's a good idea, Homer, but they've already made some movies about World War Two...
+Homer, I'm really touched you invited me out on the town. You're gonna be a four-star brother-in-law.
+C'mere, Homer.
+I'll let you in on a little secret...
+It's a good day for me too, baby. Now smile. We're gonna be on every newsstand in the country!
+This better be important. It's my wedding night. I'm trying to sleep.
+T. McC.!
+Yeah, in a minute. Darling. Well, she may be helping my career, but she's starting to cramp my style.
+Those sick freaks?!
+McBain's sidekick?! Hot damn! I'm going to Sea World!
+Sure, baby. Is that a problemo?
+You make it sound so sordid. Look, don't we have a good time together?
+Don't you have everything you ever wanted here? Money, security, a big hot flat rock for Jub-jub?
+Sure I do. Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough? The only difference between our marriage and anyone else's is, we know ours is a sham.
+Gay? I wish! If I were gay there'd be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality -- one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs. You see--
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know our District Psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
+We all thought it was funny.
+It's remarkably easy! Just smile for the cameras and enjoy Mr. Troy's Wild Ride! You'll go to the right parties, meet the right people -- sure, you'll be a sham wife -- but you'll be the envy of every other sham wife in town! So whad'ya say, baby?
+One day my lady Selma's gonna have a star right next to mine, so watch out Laszlo Panaflex!
+But I already got married!
+A baby, eh? What do I do?
+C'est Troy bien!
+Uh... Oregon?
+You bet it is! Think what it'll mean! Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance... "Smellin' of Troy"!
+You bet! From now on she's smoking for two!
+No, why don't you come over here and make yourself comfortable? I'm sorry, this whole concept's foreign to me. Who knew a baby would be so much work?
+Oh, like how we built that snowman together in that Newport ad? Remember how "alive with pleasure" they said we were?
+Oh, great, we'll adopt. I'll call my agent, he'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.
+Oh! Absolutely brilliant. There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin.
+All right, class, all right. I think we have time for one more report.
+Bart Simpson?
+Is your book report on "Treasure Island" ready?
+Bart, did you read the book?
+Then perhaps you'd like to tell us the name of the pirate.
+Sit down, Bart. I'll see you after class.
+Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
+Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on Colonial America?
+Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?
+Well then what did I say?
+That was a lucky guess!
+What is it, Bart?
+Why, this test is worse than Milhouse's exam. Bart Simpson, I warned you. This is the final straw!
+Bart has failed his last four exams in history. Is there anything you're not telling us?
+Look at these results. Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six... a twelve on State capitals...
+All right, class... the topic is World Literature. What was the pirate's name in "Treasure Island"?
+Bart Simpson?
+I heard that Bart, Jr. I want to see both of you after class today.
+I haven't had this much fun in years!
+Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over.
+Well, all right. Let me get "Old Red."
+Well, Bart. It's a fifty-nine. That's another F.
+I know, I know. Another year together. Ugh! It's gonna be hell.
+Bart, what's the matter? I would think that you'd be used to failing by now.
+There, there...
+Well, a fifty-nine... it's a high F.
+My God, Bart. You're right!
+You just demonstrated applied knowledge. And due to the difficulty and relative obscurity of the reference you deserve an extra point on your exam. Hey, it's only fair.
+Just barely.
+Good one, Milhouse. Anyone else? The first message by wireless...
+Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All Junior Campers are excused to attend their patrol meeting.
+Hello? Hello?... We're here for the field trip...
+You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say.
+Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of "Smartline". Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say "no. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?" But one woman says "yes." She's here with us tonight. Mrs. Marge Simpson.
+Also with us for this "animated" discussion... ... are Roger Myers, Chairman of the board of Itchy & Scratchy International...
+... Krusty the Klown, whose delightful program brings us the antics of Itchy & Scratchy every afternoon at four...
+And, joining us live via satellite from Vienna, the home of Sigmund Freud - the world's most famous psychiatrist - to give us an insight into the human mind, Dr. Marvin Monroe.
+Now, first let's see what all the excitement is about. Here's an example of the work currently being turned out at I & S Studios.
+Hilarious. Now, what in the world is wrong with that, Mrs. Simpson?
+I see. Fascinating.
+And this was before cartoons were invented?
+Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment on all this?
+So you have no professional objection to Itchy & Scratchy?
+Not a thing. Now, for another opinion...
+Krusty, please. We're giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here.
+Krusty!
+Well, it looks like we're not going to settle this tonight. Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds we have left, could you summarize your position for us?
+Is it a masterpiece? Or just some guy with his pants down? That's our topic tonight on "Smartline". Now, Mrs. Simpson, why are you against this statue?
+Wait, wait a minute. Aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko?
+Live, from Radio City Music Room in downtown Springfield -- it's "The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour!"
+Featuring "The Waylon Smithers Dancers!"
+And the Springfield Baggy-Pants Players!
+And now, a family that doesn't know the meaning of the word "cancelled" -- The Simpsons!
+Ah, I said "Mmph."
+So, let's review: You two screwballs have just strolled in here, fresh from the sewer, and given me a bunch of bulldink about creating Itchy with no proof at all, and you expect me to give you... how much?
+That's a lie!
+Well, I don't think I am under oath. But, yes, my father created them all. Except for Flatulent Fox. That was based on a true story. But he did create Itchy. That's one thing I am sure of.
+This isn't a saxophone, it's an umbrella.
+Okay. Maybe my dad did steal Itchy, but so what! Animation is built on plagiarism! If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Honeymooners, we wouldn't have the Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas--
+-- where are they gonna come from? Her?!
+I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt. You just killed Itchy and Scratchy.
+Royalties? Huh! I don't have the money to produce the cartoons. I lost everything! I can't even keep my dad's head in the friggin' cryogenics center anymore.
+Ya comfortable in there, Daddy?!
+And so, when no one could think of a plan to resurrect Itchy and Scratchy, a young boy, a wonderful irrepressible young boy took it on his own to solve the problem.
+He discovered that the Postal Service's Mr. Zip was just a rip-off of my father's stick figure character "Manic Mailman."
+So the government gave me a huge cash settlement and Itchy and Scratchy Studios is back in business. Thanks to you, Lester.
+Hey, great. Listen, write it down and mail it to last week when I might have cared. I've got cartoons to make, kids.
+You call this writing!? If I puked in a fountain pen and mailed it to the monkey house I'd get better scripts!
+At Harvard... hit the streets, egghead! You should've majored in Not-Getting-Fired.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dear Mr. Meyers: My brother and I watch your show. You should be proud that children everywhere blah - blah - blah - bling - bling - bling - blah.
+Hey egghead!
+Sing "Fair Harvard."
+Here's a witty rejoinder for ya.
+Shut up.
+Roxie, get me Abraham Simpson!
+You're a comedy writer? My God, you're so old...
+You're a writer all right. All right, here you go, Simpson.
+You're a funny guy. How would you like a staff job? I'll start you at eight hundred dollars a week.
+All right, leeches, I want you to see what a good writer looks like. His name is Abraham Simpson and he's got something you couldn't get at your fancy schools... life experience.
+Quiet! Abe, tell 'em about your amazing life.
+Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio?
+Abe, you comin'?
+Just one.
+Well, we cut corners. Sometimes, to save money, our animators will re-use the same backgrounds over and over and over again...
+Good news, Abe.
+No, no. You've been nominated for an award. You're so good I've fired the other writers. From now on the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours.
+Sorry, I didn't catch any of that. And now, I gotta go.
+But, Captain, I have proof that he's head of an international drug cartel.
+That makes two of us.
+Only your death.
+Meeting adjourned.
+Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting... in bed.
+But, Captain. I can't avenge my partner's death with this pea shooter.
+Bye, book.
+C'mon, live a little, Scoey.
+Little Suzy's growing up.
+Stop talkin' crazy.
+Mendozaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!
+WE'LL GO ON TV AND SING, SING, SING.
+Ice to see you.
+All right.
+Ahhh! Ahhh!
+Ya. Thank you. Ya, that's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey.
+That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
+Maybe you all are homosexuals too.
+Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke.
+Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
+MEIN BRATWURST HAS A FIRST NAME, IT'S F-R-I-T-Z / MEIN BRATWURST HAS A SECOND NAME, IT'S S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N...
+McBain to base. Under attack by Commie Nazis.
+They won't stop me from delivering these UNICEF pennies.
+Go, pennies! Help the puny children who need you.
+Not so fast.
+The winner is... me. For being seen with you freaks.
+Welcome to Planet Springfield. The restaurant owned by me, Chuck Norris, Johnny Carson's third wife and the Russian Mafia.
+Each Planet Springfield is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws.
+You are suffering from a reptile dysfunction.
+Up and AT THEM!
+Up and AT THEM!
+Shut up, old lady. And stop kicking me there.
+It's for a movie. I'm filling a fat secret agent.
+"O-oo-hhhhhhh... Oh Saaayyyyy can you..." -- I'm askin' -- "Can you s-e-e-e? ...By the d-a-a-a-w-wn's"
+...and the rockets' red glareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... The bombs burstin'... shoot it out... poppin' way up in the air...rrrrrrrrr.
+And... the home... of the-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e... brave-e-e-e-e!
+Little Lisa. It's good to see you again.
+My friends call me Bleeding Gums.
+Well let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
+Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I've got enough pain in my life as it is.
+What are you here for?
+Is he going to be okay?
+Lisa, I sure am glad you dropped by. You're the first visitor I've had.
+I don't really have a family. All I had was a little brother who grew up to become a doctor. He used to laugh at the most inappropriate times.
+Well, I always had my music. I learned at the feet of Blind Willy Witherspoon.
+Then I got my big break. I was on Steve Allen's Tonight Show.
+I cut my first and only album, "Sax on the Beach."
+But then I spent all my money on my $1500 a day habit.
+I'd like another Fabergé egg please.
+I'll tell you when I've had enough!
+In '86 when I did a guest shot on "The Cosby Show."
+Baby, you are gonna knock 'em dead. Here -- take this for luck.
+Well, before you came to visit, I would have agreed with you.
+So you all set for your recital?
+Aw, Lisa, honey, music comes from what's in your heart, not what's on your teeth. Come on, let's jam.
+You've made an old jazz-man happy, Lisa.
+Will you guys pipe down? I'm saying good-bye to Lisa.
+Sorry, but I have to. Good-bye.
+Ah, what the heck. Once more, from the top!
+Oh, come on, Lisa. I got a date with Billie Holliday.
+If you ask me, the Royal Shakespeare Company's latest season was "much ado about nothing."
+I would be delighted to dine with you on the twelfth.
+It feels so sublime! I feel like I... COULD BE INDOORS ALL NIGHT / COULD USE A FORK AND KNIFE
+AND NEVER SOIL MY SUIT.
+I COULD BE SO POLITE / START NOT A SINGLE FIGHT / AND STILL NOT FEEL LIKE A FRUIT!
+HOW VERY NICE / THAT THERE'S NO LICE / IN MY HAIR / AND MY TOENAILS I DON'T BITE / NOW THAT I'VE REACHED THE STAGE / WHERE I'M NOT FULL OF RAGE / I COULD BE INDOORS, INDOORS, ALL NIGHT!
+Good morning, Lisa! What's the lesson for today? How to smoke a pipe while summoning a falcon?
+Put the kettle on, Featherbee. I'll be home soon.
+But... I don't know what to do with myself. All I've ever been is a groundskeeper.
+Hmmm... hey, something's blocking it.
+Good evening, sir. I'm your maitre d'.
+Right this way, ma'am.
+May I help you, sir?
+I'VE A FANCY SUIT AND A CLEAN WHITE SHIRT / BUT I MISS THE DAYS WHEN TRACTOR FUMES BLEW UP MY SKIRT
+I WAS FREEZING COLD, AND I SLEPT IN MOLD / BUT I LONG FOR THE SHACK WHERE I LIVED.
+SHE WAS TRUE TO ME, MY OLD HOME OF WOOD
+AND WHEN I PASSED OUT DRUNK FROM TURPENTINE SHE UNDERSTOOD
+LIFE WAS SO SUBLIME...
+I'm ebullient! I'm bubbling with glee! I'm... bloody miserable! I miss me crap shack!
+Sir, there are many other tables available.
+Sir, there is a child present.
+You taping it?
+I'll watch it later.
+Marge, please, I'm busy.
+Zookeeper! Zookeeper! Those two monkeys are killing each other!
+Wow! Look at me, er uh, Mom! I am, 'er uh, President Kennedy!
+Take out wrenched ankle.
+Mom! Mom! Mom!
+Sing me my bedtime song, mom.
+Darn tootin'
+... big Fig Newton!
+But I want to play in the mud and be a hippie.
+How could you let me turn into you.
+B-b-b-b-but the poncho. Hit the road, square.
+BOM BOM BOM BOM
+BOM BOM BOM BOM
+Hey thanks, Moe.
+Friends forever?
+Geronimooo -- oh my God!
+Hey, what happened to all the water?
+What the heck is that thing?
+Marge, come here.
+Marge, I need both hands for this game. Can you feed me nachos while I play?
+Tell that to the brave crew of the S.S. Triangle.
+Come on! You're always saying we should do things as a couple.
+Oh, this is wonderful. I love you, Atari.
+Well, I aims to please. Hey, let's stop by that dumpster and make out. Hold that thought.
+With you, baby, Top Ramen tastes like Cup O' Noodles.
+You know these IKEA foam futons do Velcro together.
+I understand. We should follow the lead of today's celebrity role models.
+Okay everyone, let's warm up our harmonies. HOMER...
+You applied to college? Why didn't you tell me?
+I thought you were telling me you wanted to apply yourself to making a collage. And as I recall, I was against it.
+Oh baby, you deserve every last bit of it! I can get the money. But it'll mean swallowing my pride and working for my Dad...
+None of your business. Now give me a job at your business.
+Okay, all right! Time's up!
+This book sucks so much.
+Even Walt Disney?
+Really? I thought it was written by losers.
+Professor August, eh? Who is he, some grey-haired old bookworm?
+I've never heard that noise before. Are you sick?
+Hm... I wonder what's on your mind...
+Oh Elaine, will you ever find someone who's sponge-worthy?
+Here's what I say to that: no soup for you! Because I am "master of my domain." Newman.
+Hey, I worked hard all day to pay for your education. Can't I get all Zima-ed up and have my best girl put salve on my laser burns?
+Apparently if all the kids fire at your stomach at once, it adds up.
+Are you by that Joan Miro statue?
+Hey, it's townies like me that cook your food and clean your bathrooms!
+What the hell is going on here? Chanting?!
+Marge, what are you doing in this crazy college? This place is nothing like "Animal House"! I smashed a beatnik's guitar and he sued me for damages! Successfully!
+I can't do it! Our harmony-laden R&B doesn't make sense in this cruel world. I'm taking our music to the next level: Guitar Rock Utilizing Nihilist Grunge Energies. Or, as I call it: GRUNGE.
+We are Sadgasm, and this song is called... "Politically Incorrect."
+PAIN IS BROWN / HATE IS WHITE / LOVE IS BLACK / STAB THE NIGHT /
+KINGDOM OF NUMB / CLOSET OF HURT / FEELINGS ARE DUMB / KISSES ARE DIRT...
+Hey Marge.
+Now why would I be angry and bitter? Because I'm paying for you to make goo-goo eyes at some smooth-talking professor?
+Well if you feel that way, maybe you can find someone who wants to nurture the new you, maybe someone a little older and more sophisticated, who can take you to Europe during the summer.
+Okay, I'll keep the L.P.s and you take the C.D.s. I'll take the typewriter, you take the computer. I'll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock. And um...
+I just want a tentacle.
+Gimme a beer, Moe.
+Fine. Cohiba me.
+Leave the humidor.
+Seeing Marge always reminds me of Marge.
+RAZORBLADE OF APATHY / SHAVE ME WITH YOUR IRONY / SHAVE ME, SHAVE ME...
+Why aren't I happy? I'm the hottest grunge artist on Mucous Records, Weird Al is doing a parody of my song...
+He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.
+SPREAD YELLOW GUNK / ON MY PANCAKE HEART / COUNTRY-CHURNED GIRL / IN MY GROCERY CART
+I PAID FOR HER DREAMS / SHE TAUGHT ME TO CRY / LIKE WATERY KNIVES / LIKE RAIN FROM MY EYES / I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT MINE / I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT MINE...
+MARGE-A-RINE / MARGE-A-RINE / MARGE-A-RINE / MARGE-A-RINE / MARGE-A-RINE...
+I need it...
+But I need it...
+Of course. The thing that stood between us -- the nineties -- is almost over.
+At least we know there'll never be a president worse than Bill Clinton. Imagine, lying in a deposition in a civil lawsuit. That's the worst sin a president could commit.
+Why you little!...
+Creepy. You can have mine, Bongo.
+LITTLE HOMER HAD A DOG / AND BONGO WAS HIS NAME-O / B-O-ON-ON-GO / B-O-ON-ON-GO...
+A hole next to the seat to hold my cup?
+Where are we going, Daddy?
+Miss Viola? Isn't she cuckoo?
+Okay. How long till we come back and get him?
+What?! No! No! No! Bongo!!
+Where's Bongo? Is he still at the crazy lady's...
+Ketchup, please.
+I'm-not-hungry-anymore.
+I promise.
+WON'T YOU COME HOME FRANZ BRAUDER / WON'T YOU COME HOME...
+Feh! The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold.
+Whee, I love America!
+He's a Nazi! Get him!
+Edwina, my slowly-opening flower, I'm shippin' out in the morning -- won't you make this night memorable?
+I'll never forget you, Edwina!
+Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but oh, my God the sky is fulla that kinda plane that crashes into the boat!
+Cyrus, you be careful up there.
+Lieutenant! Radio my brother and tell him to watch his tail!
+Cyrus!!! You'll pay for that, you haiku-spoutin' savages!
+I wish I'd tried reefer!
+Quit lollygagging and build a fire!
+A shaving kit! Is this pomade?
+Thanks, Lieutenant. Merry Christmas.
+Incoming! Is it one of ours?
+What in the name of the Tennessee Valley Authority?
+You useless waste of socks! That ain't no Kraut! We just shot down Santy Claus!
+Well, we'll get you up and running or my name ain't Young Grampa Simpson!
+You backstabber! And I let you spoon me.
+Let's go, you flying hat rack!
+C'mon, baby!
+Somebody shoulda beat you with a tricycle years ago!
+Clark Gable!
+Hey, boys -- these sharks can't bite us if we're on their backs!
+I sure have, Mr. Gable. How come you ain't a star yet?
+Oh, it's called "Gone With The Wind." You can have it -- it's only got one swear word, and not a very good one.
+Look at these grades! They're a disgrace! No TV for a week!
+Who did this?
+She did?! Then I'm gonna withhold affection without telling her why!
+MY HEART DOES THE TWO-STEP WHEN YOU WALTZ IN THE PLACE--
+Rita Lafleur singing one of my tunes?! Can a thirty-five-year-old busboy's life get any better?
+That's fine, doll. Real fine. Why we'll...
+Y'know... Europe's no place for a six-year-old. He can handle a hundred-and-ten volt, but two-twenty would kill him.
+I know, Sugar Tomato, but I'm all the family this boy's got. If I don't take care of him now, he'll forget the day he's supposed to come and see me when I'm old.
+Psst, Barney! My Dad's asleep. Want a beer?
+Well of course I'm okay, I'm with you! Goodbye, Rita. This is why "life" comes before "love" in the dictionary.
+Aw, thanks, son. Now to make sure neither of us ever remember this.
+Now, my dear, we can watch "Mannix" as a couple.
+I had no clue.
+Get him out of here, son! Now!
+Mr. Burns, I'm awfully sorry...
+Gosh, Miss Viola, I want you and your husband to know how much I appreciate this.
+Son... why don't you give him your sweatshirt so he'll remember you.
+He's already gone! Where you'll never get him!
+Listen... I can think of something you'd enjoy more than killing a dog.
+How was school today?
+Probably wondering how I got rabies... Well...
+Why can't you be happy ironing my shirts?!
+Then close your eyes and go to Hawaii!
+Don't worry, just a day at the beach!
+I'll be back around nineteen forty-six!
+Son! Look over there!
+I mean, look over there!
+Ten bucks a cone?! Look back at the elephant!
+Why are you askin' me? Is your thumb broken?
+Have him back by Father's Day!
+You know what I want to be when I grow up?
+No, I'm going to be an astronaut.
+Why not?
+There will too be women astronauts!
+It's true! And we'll all live in cities on the moon.
+I don't want a life of watching you get drunk, then holding back your long, beautiful hair while you vomit. I have my own dreams and I can't live them with you.
+I've got two words for you. Mellow out, man. Hmm? Hmm?
+Wish me luck, Dad.
+Homie, I was so worried about you. I was really mad at you tonight, but you're a good person and that's what I see most of the time. Whatever problems we have, we have a lifetime to work them out. Together.
+Fraternity pledges in their beanies...
+I think I'm gonna like it here.
+Are you saying that America was founded on... misconceptions?
+Three to five, right?
+I will!
+Thank you, Professor August.
+Oh, thanks. It's just a note from my boyfriend.
+But Homer's so supportive. He's paying for me to go to college.
+Well, I know you'd never say anything that isn't objective...
+When is it due?
+Steffan!
+Consent, of course.
+Just do it already!
+I thought they were just tall so boats could see them.
+Look, a wedding!
+You oppose marriage?
+But Steffan, I would like to get married some day.
+It's statements like that that... are mean!
+No you don't!
+There'll never be a worse president. Never.
+You know, Simpson, we've had our dust-ups... So I've made you a little peace offering.
+It's nothing really. Just seagull brains and snail goo.
+Who cares? It's Christmas. I want to shoot something!
+Yes, yes. Everything happens to you.
+Oh, I'll be all right. Once I hold your dying pet in my arms and feel his wagging tail go stiff!
+I'm not done with you. I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is: bolo.
+The adventures of The Good Shepherd and his sidekick, The Fleecy Kid.
+That's his battle cry! Baaa! The sound which terrifies sheep rustlers the length and breadth of Michigan's untamed upper peninsula!
+There's heat, I just don't turn it on.
+Seeing you there, in the sweet light of Paris between the wars, there is a question I must pose.
+I have something for you.
+Nope. Not that.
+Wrong box.
+Lilah, will you take that big step from cousin to wife?
+When you say others... could they be bars of gold?
+No one's that good!
+But I want to make people laugh.
+Papa, when I grow up, can I be a clown?
+Blah, blah, blah, blah, Moses! Blah, blah, blah, blah some prayer!
+Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL-CIO chairman George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements.
+Let me be blunt. Is there a labor crisis in America today?
+WHO'S OUR FAVORITE TV CLOWN WHO LIKES TO CLOWN AROUND / K-R-U...
+Hey! Quit steppin' on my solo, ya creepy little show monkeys!
+Hey-hey. Scary world. They start with the "A" bomb, then skipped right to the "H" bomb. These "geniuses" can blow up the planet, but they don't know the alphabet!
+There wasn't a dry turtleneck in the house.
+I don't want to play in Peoria. They're always doing construction on Highway Seventy-four.
+How do I do that?
+Wow. This is the best kind of comedy of all: cheap.
+There's only one thing I want. Ice for my ding-dong! And you.
+Actually, sweetheart... it's the end. I'm leaving you for Ron Rabinowitz at United Parasites.
+I can only tell the truth right after sex. But all during sex I was thinking it.
+Deuteronomy? Isn't that the study of deuters?
+Stay with me, Marge, and I promise we'll travel the world... and perhaps outer space.
+Hey, Professor Von Hubba-hubba! Wanna hop in my dune bug and erode some beach?
+Come on, baby. The only math you need is you plus me equals forever.
+Half-day, eh?
+My fellow Wildcats... My name is Homer Simpson. There are many reasons why I... uh... I... I... You know what?
+I spent all night working on that speech, but now I realize the best thing to do is speak from my heart.
+So... uh... I feel that... fellow Wildcats...
+Um... "Webster's defines"... um... "in the words of Ted Nugent"... "school spirit"... "next card"... "the future"...
+No fair!
+"Color My World," "Disco Sucks" and Butthead the Goat.
+They're too big to fail.
+Uh, uh, no, I'm, uh... just exploring my body!
+Oh, hair. I'll love you when you're old and gray.
+Huh... well, two can play at that game!
+Who are you?
+Why you little...
+It was love at first sight, and you ruined it!
+What do you know?
+You're lookin' at him.
+You're the idiot.
+Don't act like I'm the first person that ever said that!
+Shut up and go to the prom with me!
+C'mere!
+Stupid kid. Steals my future. Well I'm going to...ice cream, with cookie dough?!
+...unnecessarily big TVs?!
+..."Thursday Night Football?!" And the globe feels so warm -- I am in awe of the future!
+Okay, that's not so great.
+I've met some jive turkeys in the seventies but that turkey's the jivest.
+I've traveled through space and time to make Marge settle for me because she doesn't know better.
+I've gotta ask, what happened? Was I in a forest fire or something?
+What's his name again?
+Oh, Homie.
+Promenade? With you? Forget it, bub!
+Could you please stop fighting in front of us?
+Jenda, I think we're ready to go all the way.
+Jenda, that's not what I meant.
+I love you. Will you marry me?
+I've got it all figured out! You can waitress while I learn to cut meat. We'll live in a trailer, but to avoid paying for parking, I'll drive while you sleep. We'll never, ever stop!
+So that's how Jenda dumped me.
+No, Mom dumped you 'cause you blew all our money on this underwater house.
+So... what do you do to kill time in here?
+Why'd you buy the first hover car ever made? Didn't you know it'd take time to work out the kinks?
+Dad, that's my fourth grade teacher!
+Hi, Mrs. K. This is sure weird, huh?
+Uh, I... don't think so.
+I wish I could talk to my fourth grade self just once. I'd say "work hard, don't be such a screw up."
+This time is so precious -- don't waste it!
+No. He activated his self-destruct mechanism.
+Love can really be painful.
+How'd he take it?
+I guess everyone in this family is doomed to wind up alone.
+A career? No problem, I speak three languages.
+Oh yeah?
+When Jenda hears about my great new career, she'll definitely take me back.
+Yes, Mr. Gheet.
+Which one? Radioactive, smallpox, eternal midnight...
+Oh, I get it. You can't tip me because your hands are tied. My Dad pulls that scam all the time.
+Uh... with the diamond?
+I can't take your scholarship! It's going to my sister. It would break her heart.
+They do?
+Mr. Smithers? I thought you were... you know... a...
+Listen, Lis, I've gotta tell you something. I'm going to Yale.
+Then I've got some great news! You're not going to Yale!
+Why don't you mail it to your butt?
+Hey, Nelson. What's up with your girlfriends?
+I'd better go talk to him.
+Cheer up, Milhouse. You got your whole life ahead of you.
+Hey, I remember when you were a nerdy little fourth-grader. And now you're an emotionally crippled mini-Hulk. What girl wouldn't want that?
+I guess so.
+Oh, I was just thinking about Milhouse and Lisa.
+Hey, that rundown old house looks familiar! That's where Doc Frink used to live!
+This machine lets us look into the future. Wouldn't that be romantic?
+Totally. Right after I fiddle with these dials and levers.
+I can't let that happen. I gotta go.
+Nooooo!!!!!
+Keeping Lisa from destroying her life!
+Look, I'm not taking the scholarship. You're the one who deserves to go to Yale.
+Hey, I'm waiting 'til I find a girl who likes me for me.
+So Nelson, who did you end up bringing tonight? Sherri or Terri?
+Sorry I'm late, Lisa. I was at the gym, totally gunning my lats. Just gunning 'em!
+Oh man! The deposit on this tux was two hundred Reagans!
+Really. C-can I kiss you?
+No. But it's really hard 'cause I'm on an all-onion diet.
+What are you doing?
+Come on, let her destroy it!
+Lenny! Carl! Can you pull me out?
+Lousy sheriff. Run me out of town. He's lost my vote.
+And you two are ten-year-old versions of me!
+The three of us could create quite a lot of mischief, but I have to fly back to New York. That's where my wife and I live.
+That's her. You wanna see pictures of our kids?
+How could you possibly need all these clothes?
+You're two weeks late on the rent, Bart. Not to mention that geography report from thirty years ago.
+Don't worry, I got some buyers coming over to look at my good kidney.
+They grow back, right?
+You mean, evicted?
+Transporter engaged.
+Now what?
+Mom, don't make us go to Dad's!
+It smells like dog but there's no dog.
+You know, I can hear everything you say during "cross phase." What are you doin' here?
+You're wrong! This is gonna be your best Christmas ever!
+Yeah, give me some credit.
+I'll just dump them at my Mom's.
+Dammit!
+Did ya bake any?
+Oh man. I can't believe they still haven't figured out a way to detangle Christmas lights.
+Well, maybe Mom should marry him.
+Your mother remarried?!
+Dad, can you take the boys out for a while? I don't feel so good.
+I can't believe she got married and I have no one. It's so hard to find somebody new.
+Hey, Lis.
+Wanna come up?
+Nelson calls you?
+The boys think I'm a lousy father.
+Yes I did and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house, but that is not the point!
+Well... Mom kept her hands off you and you turned out great!
+You think so?
+Maybe it's the court-mandated sincerity chip I've got in my brain. But Lis... you're the person I always wanted to be.
+I gotta reconnect with those boys.
+Back in position!
+Hey guys, you wanna watch Krusty?
+Only the funniest man in the world!
+Where's Dad?
+How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?
+Dad, where'd you take my boys?
+It's Chief Wiggum!
+Hey, Ralph, I heard you died.
+Wow, this place hasn't changed a bit.
+Was my Dad here?
+Yeah. Since he don't drink, he just comes here to see Lenny and Carl.
+Hey Lenny.
+Right. What was the point again?
+Boys, I have acted like a ten-year-old for the last thirty years, and I swear to you: I will grow up and act like a twenty-year-old, the way a divorced forty-year-old should.
+Boys, I'm a deadbeat Dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas... the only thing worth anything in my life is you.
+Hmm, funny how they evolved and we didn't.
+Everything I know about women can be summed up by a jump-rope rhyme: "Girls go to Mars to buy candy bars, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider." Except I didn't have to go to Jupiter to get stupider.
+I had a bigger ball of gas I could study.
+So the closest thing I had to an adult male role model were the schoolyard bullies.
+You get the picture. Perfect girl. So like a schmuck, I treat her like day-old matzo.
+At that moment, I had a vision of every time in my life an angry woman would say "Everything's fine."
+I guess it's just me and the dog.
+And that's when I learned Cupid was just a fat naked jerk with an arrow.
+Love? What is it? What does it mean? How do you spell it? No one knows. Fortunately, there is a cure -- any videogame ever made.
+Married?
+Hey, what did I do?
+So Dad, what do you think of my place?
+Okay guys, time for you to go to your mother's.
+Here's your mom's house.
+Hi, Jerry.
+Great, great. So I guess you and Jenda are still together. Is she there?
+Dad, if ever I needed fatherly wisdom, it's now.
+I miss my kids.
+Isn't your Mom eighty-seven?
+I don't know how that happened in a senate with ninety-nine Democrats.
+I don't think I'm ready for this, man.
+Well, that didn't look so hard.
+You know at my job, I satisfy ladies even bigger than you.
+Um, I feed dinosaurs?
+One please.
+Man, that's some targeted advertising!
+How long does this take?
+Wow! It works! I'm completely over my ex-wife!
+Do you take wedding bands as tips?
+Ay carumba! I have moved on!
+Nothing to worry about.
+He's been frozen like that for days.
+So... was it good for you?
+Oh my God! We went home with you?!
+You know -- Dad really misses you.
+Look, maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I've got him right here.
+Sorry, I must have recorded over Dad. But admit it. When you thought it was Dad, you were excited.
+Hey Homer, your robot body finally came.
+You boys look happy.
+He's the fool. You're great.
+I don't have to say anything. Believe me, no guy wants to see his ex looking hot or being sweet. Makes him realize everything he's lost.
+Hey Dad, can you watch the boys?
+You know, this was a great evening.
+Man, when is that voice gonna change?
+But they brought us little cakes and...
+Ay carumba.
+One of us has to stay home with you guys. And your mom can't quit her job at Google.
+Now, will somebody hold up a one dollar bill?
+Uh-oh. It looks like we woke someone up from her nap.
+Well, now that you're up, you can do your juggling act.
+Now enjoy the majesty of our prehistoric past!
+What? Me? Now that's crazy!
+Well, you're not paying attention to me -- you're texting!
+If I wasn't paying attention, then how did I notice you not paying attention to my not paying attention? Ha!
+They are! You're four years older!
+Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
+A tall beer and no judgmental women.
+What are you doing here?
+Until I was eight I thought he was a magical gorilla.
+Or my divorce.
+So, Jenda, I don't know what love is, but I know what it isn't. And we're "isn't."
+What?! You know what, Jenda? I'm not even mad. Because I am finally, completely, over you.
+Wait -- what am I doing back here?
+Uh... you should look at my profile.
+So, you're sure I'm cured? No more feelings for my ex-wife?
+Tell a lie. Tell a lie.
+Lis, I hope things work out with you and Milhouse, but if they don't, I know just where you should go.
+Even though he's not a zombie anymore?
+Well done, Dad.
+How did my daughter turn into my brother?
+You parked the car. That helped.
+Maybe my Mom would have some ideas...
+You could go back to Michigan -- it's still under Sharia law.
+She told me to relax and bake cookies!
+Oh, isn't that a little dangerous?
+Eh, why not?
+Should I have married Nelson? 'Cause we still talk on the phone.
+Well... someone calls someone.
+Oh, poor Bart. My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.
+Butt out.
+This is it. I'm going into the ultranet to save my daughter.
+Lisa Simpson, the following people want to friend you.
+Ignore, ignore, ignore... Ooh, Martin Prince is now "Marcia Princess?" No, I've got to find Zia.
+Not a good time.
+Now, where is the Google door?
+Oh right, it's Dr. Seuss's birthday.
+I'd just throw in the towel and make it a state.
+Okay honey, I made you pork chops just like you like 'em -- twenty.
+As I told you when we talked last month, I've been doing a lot of charity work for the undead.
+Are you sure?
+Don't tell him. Give him a fake name.
+Don't you get it? You gotta use a reverse psychology.
+Okay. Don't use reverse psychology.
+Donald Trump? No. Arnold Palmer? No. Bill Cosby? No.
+Uh-oh. I don't understand a word he's saying. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips... Mmm potato chips.
+I want some peanuts.
+Don't tell him you were at a bar! But what else is open at night?
+I would'a never thought of that.
+What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
+I thought this thing was going to be catered. Boy, am I hungry. I mean I'm really, really hungry.
+Pick up Bart! Pick up Bart!
+Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
+That's it, I'm getting outta here.
+"Special Day?" Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic... Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy talk... She's getting impatient, take a stab at it.
+Little do they know, I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
+Heh, heh, heh, they don't suspect a thing. Well, off to the plant.
+Uh-oh. Did I say that or just think it?
+Don't think about beer.
+Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
+Wait a minute. Is he coming on to me?
+Oh my God, he is coming on to me.
+Oh man, I've really got to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
+This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
+No, the other secret.
+Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
+Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
+Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
+Wait. Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
+Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts! Think unsexy thoughts!
+"You will find happiness with a new love." Oh, even the Chinese are against me. What's the point. I can't fight fate.
+Mental note: "The girl knows too much."
+Something was said: not good. What was it? "Don't yell at Homer." No, that's okay. What was it? "Slow." They called you "slow!"
+Something said: not good...
+Eatthepuddingeatthepudding eatthepuddingeatthepuddingeatthepuddingeatthepuddingeatthepuddingeatthe pudding.
+Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts! Think unsexy thoughts!
+You will find happiness with a new love.
+Quiet! It might be you. I can't remember.
+No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.
+I've worked here for ten years, and my boss doesn't even know my name? Well, that's gonna change right now. My name is Homer J. Simp--
+I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater every day, and...
+Silence you fool! It can be ours.
+Oh glory of glories! Oh heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation!
+Now she'll really be surprised when she opens that ironing board cover!
+There it is, Homer: the cleverest thing you'll ever say. And nobody heard it.
+Mental note: steal his idea.
+That cactus is right. I've only got one chance. I got to knock him out.
+You can stay, but I'm leaving.
+Quiet, you fool. You're on the one team that can't possibly be fired.
+Mmm. Look at his eyes. He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way.
+Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now, look sad and say "D'oh."
+You're leaving the arm there too long! You wanna make it worse?!
+No, no! He'll know you're on to him -- quick, shake his hand!
+As...? As...?!
+Just don't bump me on your way out of the car.
+Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.
+I've already gone this far... I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E- Mart?
+No! Must resist temptation!
+Bo-ring.
+Wow. That saxophone would make a great pipe.
+Don't you get it? They're using us as patsies to make the Army look good.
+A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
+I'm not thinking. You think.
+You have to think, it's your job.
+You idiot! Mr. Fatso is you!
+That's right, numbskull! Your son's made a fool of you in front of the whole town!
+Well, I'll fix you. Go drive a car!
+What the hell are you doing?!
+I'm doing the best with what I got! All you feed me is reality shows!
+I really wish I had fixed that faucet.
+Okay Homer, don't speak. If you must make a sound, whistle.
+When your wife looks at you, full of hope, with an idea that would destroy life as we know it...
+Just smile, nod... and stall, stall, stall...
+...until she changes her mind.
+All right! "Try it" means sex.
+Okay, Homer. This is the moment of truth. You've gotta tell Marge you really don't want another kid.
+Eh, how bad could it be?
+Uh-oh. She's picked names? Who puts this much thought into having a baby? Stall, stall, stall!
+There he is. The fat, pathetic slob I'd be with four kids.
+Oh, right. That dad was there all along. Phew. That was so sweet! Maybe there's no such thing as too many kids.
+Don't blow the surprise. Pretend you forgot.
+Uh-oh. If you're honest, you'll have to tell her about the train!
+How stupid are you?
+Just for that I'm not going to help you.
+Homer Simpson! Do you really want to keep cheating your friends, lying to your wife, and avoiding your kids? What would Jesus do?
+This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.
+Marge thinks Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.
+She's so cute...
+Wow. Bart has feelings. Mrs. Doody.
+No cops in sight. If I'm gonna save that clerk, I'm gonna have to take the law into my own hands again.
+Lord, this is a dire emergency. If you could fix my house, or make a new house from one of my ribs...
+Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.
+Mirror mirror on the wall: who's the baldest of them all?
+Gee, I thought I had a bigger package than that.
+Don't worry -- they're just friends. There's nothing physical between them.
+Uh-oh! I'm gonna have to work on my marriage. Or, alternatively...
+Wait a minute. These guys don't know me. I can be whatever I want.
+She's right, it was all me!
+Oh man, what do I do? Wait -- the book Marge gave me!
+No book is gonna make my daughter sad. Time to do what I do best: lie to a child.
+It's poison! Whatever you do, don't eat it.
+Okay, you're already eating it, but don't finish it. Okay, you finished it, but don't ask for--
+You moron! Just kill her!
+Play it cool, Homer. Don't let her know it's perfect.
+A million dollars -- now I'm really glad I didn't die!
+Wait... if I tell Marge I won, she'll know I was buying the ticket when I was supposed to be onstage with her. I'm rich and I can't even tell my own wife!
+Calm down, Homer. Calm down.
+Got to stay mad. The next morning is where the fight is won or lost.
+I'm buying it!
+Okay, just imagine she's a Bond girl.
+Judi Dench?!
+Oh my God... is she flirting with me?
+She is flirting with me. Okay, Homer, let her down easy. Don't go breaking any hearts.
+Grampa?!
+No I haven't!
+Oh my God, Marge is here! What is she thinking now?
+You have regrets, Mr. "I Get To See The Weathergirl From The Side?" I made the worst financial decision of all time. Oh, I can't think about it, I won't think about it, I don't want to think about it...
+Don't eat it. It's been in his ear. Don't eat it. It's been in his ear.
+Don't eat it. It's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth. Don't eat it.
+Finally. Time for the big bump-into.
+Wednesday?
+Okay, she's always in a good mood after therapy...
+Except that you're about to double-cross some gangsters.
+She'll forgive me...
+Especially this time...
+I mean it's Christmas...
+I wonder if there's birds on the moon. I miss Marge.
+Whoa, he's getting serious. Is this what I really want?
+I should say something reassuring yet noncommittal.
+We've got a winning hand. We can take the rest of the tricks!
+Ooh, you'd better be careful. The purpose of this game is to make friends. You don't make friends by winning.
+Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner.
+Don't ask me, I'm just hair. Your head stopped eighteen inches ago.
+This place is so boring. If somebody doesn't do something interesting, I'm gonna have to. But what?
+How much money did he piss away on this?
+This sure beats slaving over a hot stove!
+Where is he?! Where is he?!
+He cares so much about those doggone dugongs. I wish I felt that kind of passion. Maybe I should join him on his mission...
+Darn these long bank lines. Although it does give me a moment with my thoughts. Darn these long bank lines.
+Hm... could this show help me with eating cheating?
+Hm, the kids are acting awfully strange. Maybe I should sit down with them and-- Homer, where are you going?!
+Gosh, what a hunk!
+That'll stop her from seeing him.
+I know what Homer's thinking. He's thinking that he really wants a baby now. So this should be the time, ironically, that I'll change my mind and not want one. Well, no way! I want one more than ever!
+Man, things sure have turned to crap.
+She's beautiful. Say somethin' clever.
+Now just relax. For once you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.
+They love me. I'm accepted. I don't need this mask anymore.
+That doesn't sound like me. Could it be the drug kicking in? I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right...
+This test is boring. What else is on?
+Time to get rid of the competition.
+Oh man, I must be the first guy who was ever pressured into marriage.
+She had more curves than a Hot Wheels track. Well, she didn't yet, but she would after puberty.
+Gotta stop that letter!
+Okay, this is it. Do or die.
+A girl who likes candy? Wow.
+That'll learn `im to bust my tomater.
+They're only using you for your pool, you know.
+Well, well, well. Look who's come crawlin' back.
+Uh-oh. Should I laugh? Was that dry British wit? Or subtle self-pity? Ooh, they're staring at me, better respond.
+Scanning for sarcasm... it's clean. Go!
+I'm dizzy! I'm nauseous! Oh, but I'm popular!
+He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. He sure is ugly, though. So why can't I stop staring at him?
+Oh, no... I think I'm getting a crush on Nelson Muntz!
+My first kiss! I always wondered what it would be like!
+Oh, I know. I heard it too. Here's some music.
+This is kind of relaxing. But it's so hard to turn off my brain. I have to stop thinking... starting now. Hey, it worked. Oh no, that's thinking!
+Ohh, it's a ball of yarn. That's funny, I feel like batting it around.
+I have a paw!
+Oh my gosh, I've entered the body of our cat!
+Beh! Mag-gie! Hey, hey, get your sticky hands off me. Owww!
+Oh, yuck! That sandwich is full of meat. There's bacon, Canadian bacon, Mexican bacon...
+...and a mouth-watering veal chop.
+Oh, no. Now I'm Dad.
+And I'm at a stupid, boring ballet.
+I'm sorry, honey.
+Geez, why is Lisa so mad at me? I only came to this dump so I could be with her. And, what happened to my big sandwich?
+These girls are brilliant! I finally found kids I can relate to.
+Wow, I'm actually passing as a college student! And they don't have a Blue's Clue. Whoops, gotta age it up.
+I'm in a coffee house listening to poetry! There's a cat on a table and no one seems to care! This is the single greatest day of my life.
+Oh my God, my social studies project is due tomorrow morning!
+Oh my God, I was wrong! And by being corrected, I learned! And no one cared about my feelings!
+Okay, I can talk my way out of this.
+A fight? That would mean rejecting the last part of me that's still a girl.
+Okay, I'll do it. But whom should I beat up?
+They're looking at me! All right, Lisa -- time to show these jazz legends how we swing in the suburbs.
+Why did I have to lie about my heritage? By speaking with forked tongue I am in heap big trouble. And now I'm thinking in stereotypes? That's even worse!
+Question two: Using what you learned in question one...
+You can do it, Lisa. There's nothing in the room but you and the test.
+Maybe I should just move on to question two.
+Oh my God, you've been challenged! Well Lisa, let's see how you respond.
+Here it comes.
+But then... you wound up like you.
+Those girls are snotty and shallow. Tell them off!
+You'd better hope they say yes!
+Is it possible I've met a teacher who doesn't like me?!
+Aw, he's sweet. What am I doing? He's just Ralph with a dream. The dream of not Ralphing. But I'm sure I could totally change and fix him.
+Wow, I made Mom cry. What unimaginable power! I can use this to get anything I want. But right now, all I want is for Mom to stop crying.
+--of a man.
+A-B-C-D-E-F-G- H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O
+Like we go to a movie theater and pay full price! That would be awesome!!!
+What? Now I'm not pulling it off?
+Hello, Lisa. This is my Daddy... I mean, um, Kirk Van Houten. May I speak to your father, please?
+Homer, Bart would like to spend the night at our house, and he has my permission.
+Not so fast!
+I also want to say that Bart is a remarkable boy, and I disapprove of your fathering and of your fat stomach.
+Give him anything he wants -- bigger allowance, a new bike -- just do it.
+And in ten years, make Lisa go to the prom with Milhouse.
+Now I want you to eat a gallon of ice cream in under two minutes.
+You now have one minute, fifty-five seconds.
+I'm gonna like being an adult.
+I love when you buy me clothes! You know what's itchy and what's not.
+I'd give you all money but my wallet is velcroed too tight!
+An adult! He's buyin' it!
+I want to buy this beer, uh, cigarettes, magazines with boobs, and three pairs of sunglasses...
+Hey bartender. We'd like two milks and then you can tell us where babies come from.
+Hello, Lisa.
+Milhouse? Who's Milhouse? I mean, he's my son.
+Then I will be your guys' dad!
+Um, as adults, what do we do now? Shake hands?
+And that's how you do it.
+Young man, apologize to your sister.
+Why you little...
+Kids, let me handle this. Uh, we'd like it in singles and nickels, please.
+In cursive?
+In cursive?
+Oh, I'm single. Though some days I have a girl buddy on field trips.
+You're the adult.
+Yeah. For my Thomas the Tank engines.
+Ooo, careful, Homer.
+There's no time to be careful.
+We're late.
+Sorry, Excuse us. Pardon me...
+Hey, Norman. How's it going? So you got dragged down here, too... heh, heh. How ya doing, Fred? Excuse me, Fred.
+Pardon my galoshes.
+Wasn't that wonderful? And now, "Santas of Many Lands," as presented by the entire second grade class.
+Oh... Lisa's class.
+Frohlich weihnachten -- that's German for Merry Christmas. In Germany, Santa's servant Ruprecht gives presents to good children and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones.
+Meri Kurimasu. I am Hotseiosha, a Japanese priest who acts like Santa Claus. I have eyes in the back of my head so children better behave when I'm nearby.
+And now, presenting Lisa Simpson, as Tawanga, the Santa Claus of the South Seas.
+Oh, it's Lisa. That's ours.
+The fourth grade will now favor us with a melody, medley of holiday flavorites.
+DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW / IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH / O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO / LAUGHING ALL THE WAY... HA HA HA... BELLS ON BOB-TAIL RING / MAKING SPIRITS BRIGHT / WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE AND SING THIS SLEIGHING SONG TONIGHT!
+Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like a little angel.
+"JINGLE BELLS, BATMAN SMELLS, ROBIN LAID AN EGG / THE BATMOBILE BROKE ITS WHEEL, THE JOKER GOT AWAY."
+The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol".
+How many grades does this school have?
+Who shall I say is calling?
+Marge, please.
+It's your sister.
+What? Why? Oh, yeah. Hello Patty, hello Selma. How was your trip?
+"Dear friends of the Simpson family: We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness. Our little cat, Snowball, was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II...so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself. Lisa got straight A's, and Bart, well... we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all..."
+Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?
+...Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays.
+The Simpsons.
+Marge, where's the extension cord?
+Oh, for heavens sakes, Homer. It's in the utility drawer.
+Sorry. I'm just a big kid and I love Christmas so much.
+...Every year.
+All right, children. Let me have those letters. I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole.
+Oh, please. There's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.
+A pony? Oh, Lisa. You've asked for that for the last three years and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony into his sleigh. Can't you take a hint?
+But I really want a pony and I've been really, really good this year.
+Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic.
+A tattoo!
+A what!
+Yeah, they're cool and they last the rest of the your life.
+You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
+Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.
+All right!
+Y'ello.
+Marge, please.
+Who's this?
+May I please speak to Marge?
+This is her sister, isn't it?
+Is Marge there?
+Hello, Marge. It's Patty. Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas eve.
+Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit, too.
+Somehow I doubt that Homer's excited. Of all the men you could have married, I don't know why you picked the one who's always so rude to us.
+Good one, Dad.
+Okay, kids. Prepare to be dazzled. Marge! Turn on the juice!
+What do you think, kids?
+Nice try, Dad.
+Just hold your horses, son. Hey, hey, Simpson.
+What is it, Flanders?
+Do you think this looks okay?
+Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.
+Oh. Neat-o.
+It's too bright. That Flanders, what a big show-off.
+Kids, you want to go Christmas shopping?
+All right, the mall!
+Go get your money.
+Spill it, Marge. Where have you been hiding the Christmas money?
+Oh, I have my secrets. Turn around.
+You can look now.
+Oh! Big jar this year.
+Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get and it makes you look so dangerous.
+One "mother", please.
+Wait a minute. How old are you?
+Twenty-one, sir.
+Get in the chair.
+Mm-hmm... Mmm-hmm... Mmm-hmm...
+Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
+Attention all personnel! Please keep working during the following announcement.
+And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.
+Hello. I'm proud to announce that we have been able to increase safety...
+... here at the plant without increasing the cost to the consumer, or affecting management pay raises. However, for you semi-skilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses.
+One more thing: Merry Christmas.
+Oh, thank God for the big jar.
+Where's that Bart?
+But, Mom, I thought you'd like it.
+Yes, Mrs. Simpson, we can remove your son's tattoo. It's a simple routine involving lasers.
+However, it is rather expensive and we must insist on a cash payment up front.
+Ah-hmmm.
+Thank God for Homer's Christmas bonus.
+Ay carumba!
+Now, whatever you do, boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or groin.
+Ow! Quit it.
+Ow! Quit it!
+Ow! Quit it!
+Ow! Quit it!
+Hey! What's with this?
+Ow! Quit it. It used to be a real boss tattoo.
+But Mom had to spend all the Christmas money having it surgically removed.
+It's true. The jar's empty. Oh, my God, we're ruined. Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone.
+Don't worry, Homer. We'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus even further this year.
+Oh, yeah my Christmas bonus. How silly of me. This'll be the best Christmas yet. The best any family ever had. Heh-heh.
+Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.
+I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me, Homer.
+Oh. I love you, Marge.
+Homer, you tell me that all the time.
+Oh, good. Because I do love you and I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit card that won't set off that horrible beeping.
+But I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus. I keep asking for it, but...
+Marge, well, let me be honest with you.
+Well... I want to do the Christmas shopping this year.
+Well, sure, okay...
+Marge, Marge, Marge. Let's see. Oooh, look! Pantyhose. Practical and alluring. A six-pack... Oh! Only four ninety nine.
+Oooh... pads of paper. I bet Bart can think of a million things to do with these. That just leaves little Maggie. Oh, look, a little squeak-toy. . It says it's for dogs, but she can't read...
+Ow. Oh, Simpson, it's you.
+Hello, Flanders.
+Oh, my, what a little mess we've got here! Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine?
+Well, let's see.
+This one's mine. And this one's mine. This one's mine... and this--
+They're all yours.
+Hey, Mr. Simpson. You dropped your pork chop.
+Gimme that!
+Well, happy holidays, Simpson.
+Gee, Dad, this is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
+You bet.
+Oh, Dad, you're finally home.
+Daddy! We're so glad to see you!
+What's the matter, Homer? Somebody leave a lumpa coal in your stocking? You've been sitting there sucking on a beer all day long.
+So it's Christmas!
+Thanks, Moe.
+Drinks all around!
+What's with the crazy getup, Barn?
+I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
+Wow. Can I do that?
+I don't know. They're pretty selective.
+Do you like children?
+What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?
+Oh, I certainly do.
+Welcome aboard Simpson... pending your successful completion of our training program, that is.
+Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.
+What is it now, Simpson?
+Huh, when do we get paid?
+Not a dime till Christmas Eve. Now, from the top.
+Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.
+Dasher, Dancer...
+Um-hmm.
+Prancer...
+Um-hmm.
+Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon.
+Sit down, Simpson.
+And what would you like, little boy?
+You're not really Santa, tubby.
+Why you little eggheaded...!
+No, no, Homer. If such an emergency arises, just tell them Santa's very busy this time of year and you're one of his helpers.
+Oh, I knew that one, too.
+Homer! Why are you seven hours late?
+Not a word, Marge. I'm heading straight for the tub.
+But Homer, my sisters are here. Don't you want to say hello?
+You both look well.
+Thank you.
+Yeah, well, Merry Christmas.
+Oh, it's Christmas? You wouldn't know it around here.
+And why is that?
+Well, for one thing, there's no tree.
+Well, I was just on my way out to get one.
+Can we go too, Dad?
+Can we?
+Hey, you. What do you think you're doing?
+Hey, hey! Come back here.
+So, what do you think kids? Beauty, isn't it?
+Yeah, Homer.
+Way to go, Dad.
+Why is there a birdhouse in it?
+That's an ornament.
+Do I smell gunpowder?
+And then I want some Robotoids... and then I want a Goop Monster... and then I want a great big, giant...
+Ah, son, you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you've already got something much more important, a decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you. Hey, I couldn't afford lunch. Gimme a bite of that donut.
+Get a load of that quote unquote Santa.
+I can't believe those kids are fallin' for it.
+Hey, Milhouse. I dare you to sit on his lap.
+Oh, yeah? Well, I dare you to yank his beard off.
+Ah, touché!
+I hope you feel better, Santa.
+I will when Mrs. Claus's sisters get out of town. Thanks for listening, kid.
+Hey Santa, what's shaking?
+What's your name, Bart... ner? -- Er -- Little partner?
+I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
+I'm Jolly Old Saint Nick.
+Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that.
+I want a word with you in Santa's Workshop, little boy. Cover for me, Elfie.
+Don't kill me, Dad. I didn't know it was you.
+Nobody knows. It's a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year, but to keep the family from missing out on Christmas, I'd do anything.
+I'll say, Dad. You must really love us to sink so low.
+Now let's not get mushy, son. I still have a job to do.
+Hey, little ones, Santa's back. Ho! Ho!
+Arrgh! -- Damn it to...
+Ah, son. One day you're gonna know the satisfaction of payday. Receiving a big fat check for a job well done.
+Simpson, Homer? Here you go.
+Come on, son. Let's go cash this baby and get presents for -- Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!
+That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security --
+Less unemployment insurance --
+Less Santa training --
+Less costume purchase --
+Wait a minute...
+Less beard rental, less Christmas club.
+But... but...
+See you next year.
+Come on, Dad. Let's go home.
+Thirteen bucks. We can't get anything for thirteen bucks.
+All right! Thirteen big ones. Springfield Downs, here I come.
+You heard me. I'm going to the dog track. I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race. Wanna come?
+Bart, did you hear that? What a name -- "Santa's Little Helper". It's a sign! It's an omen!
+Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid to some sleazy dog track on Christmas eve.
+Come on, Simpson. The dog's name is Whirlwind, ten to one shot. Money in the bank.
+Ah, come on Dad, this can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.
+Well, okay. Let's go.
+Who's Tiny Tim?
+Hey, Moldy, do you think Santa will be able to find Elf County under all this snow?
+I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas.
+Oh, no!
+Oh, brother!
+Where's your husband?
+It's getting late.
+He said he went caroling with Bart.
+WE'RE IN THE MONEY / WE'RE IN THE MONEY / WE GOT A LOT OF WHAT IT TAKES TO GET ALONG.
+I can't believe I'm doing this.
+Can we open our presents now, Dad?
+You know the tradition, son. Not till the eighth race.
+Hey, Barney, which one is Whirlwind?
+Number six. That's our lucky dog, right over there. He's won his last five races.
+What! That scrawny little bag of bones?
+Come on, Dad. They're all scrawny little bags of bones.
+Yeah, you're right. I guess Whirlwind is our only hope for a Merry Christmas.
+Attention racing fans. We have a late scratch in the fourth race. Number eight, Sir Galahad, will be replaced by Santa's Little Helper. Once again, Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa's Little Helper.
+It's a coincidence, Dad.
+What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper?
+Ninety nine to one.
+Whoa! Ninety-nine times thirteen equals MER-RY CHRISTMAS!
+I got a bad feeling about this.
+Don't you believe in me, son?
+Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going.
+Oh, go for it, Dad.
+That's my boy. Everything on Santa's Little Helper.
+Three cheers for Brainy.
+Hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray!
+Unadulterated pap.
+It's almost nine o'clock.
+Where is Homer anyway?
+It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.
+What, Aunt Patty?
+Oh, nothing dear. I'm just trashing your father.
+Well I wish you wouldn't because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore he is my model of manhood and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me. And I am far to young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
+Um-hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
+Come on, Bart. Kiss the ticket for good luck, not that we need it. Heh-heh-heh.
+Here comes Screwy the Mechanical Rabbit. And they're off!
+Around the first turn.
+Come on, "Santa's Little Helper!"
+Come on, dog! Go, man! Go! Come on Santa's Little Helper! Run baby run!
+Come on Santa's Little Helper! Go, go, go! Run your tail off!
+It's "Whirlwind" in the lead...
+And coming up on the left is "Quadruped", followed by Dog O' War and "Fido".
+Go! Go!
+Go Santa's Little Helper!
+Come on, boy.
+Come on, get that rabbit.
+...Dog of war coming up fast on the outside... And with a lock on last place it's... "Santa's Little Helper."
+Don't worry, Dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.
+Around the clubhouse turn, Whirlwind is staking out a big lead, a couple of lengths. Quadruped fighting it out and coming up fast, Chew My Shoe.
+And it's "Whirlwind" by a country mile, and in second, "Chew My Shoe" followed by "Dog O' War".
+It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.
+I don't want to leave till our dog finishes.
+Ah, forget it. Let's go.
+Find any winners, son?
+Sorry, Dad.
+Hey-hey, Simpson! What'd I tell you... Whirlwind. Let's go, Daria.
+Beat it! Scram! Get lost! You came in last for the last time.
+Look, Dad. It's Santa's Little Helper.
+And don't come back!
+Oh, no you don't. No. No. Get away from me. Uh-uh.
+Oh, can we keep him Dad, please?
+But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's...
+-- a Simpson.
+Maybe I should call the police.
+Oh, he'll sober up.
+Yeah, and come staggering home.
+Um-hm. Smelling of cheap perfume.
+I'll pay! How much?
+All right, look everybody. I have a confession to make.
+This should be good.
+I didn't get my Christmas bonus. I tried not to let it ruin Christmas for everybody, but no matter what I did, I just couldn't --
+Hey, everybody. Look what we got!
+A dog! All right, Dad!
+Good bless him.
+So love at first sight is possible.
+And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.
+This is the best gift of all, Homer.
+Yes, something to share our love --
+-- And frighten prowlers.
+What's his name?
+Number eight. I mean, Santa's Little Helper.
+RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER / HAD A VERY SHINY NOSE / AND IF YOU EVER SAW IT / YOU WOULD EVEN SAY IT GLOWED
+Like a light bulb!
+ALL OF THE OTHER REINDEER / USED TO LAUGH AND CALL HIM NAMES...
+Like Shine-ola!
+THEY NEVER LET POOR RUDOLPH / JOIN IN ANY REINDEER GAMES...
+Like strip poker!
+I'm warning you two!
+THEN ONE FOGGY CHRISTMAS EVE / SANTA CAME TO SAY...
+Take it, Homer!
+RUDOLPH WITH YOUR NOSE... OVER HERE... / SO YOU CAN GUIDE MY SLEIGH TODAY....
+Oh, Homer.
+THEN ALL THE REINDEER LOVED HIM / AS THEY SHOUTED OUT WITH GLEE / RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER / YOU'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY...
+Like Attila the Hun!
+Come on, Mom.
+Yeah, Mom, hurry up.
+All right... hmmm... How about "he"?
+Two points. Your turn, dear.
+Nurturing.
+Hmmmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?
+Oh, wait! Here's a good one -- "do".
+"Id." Triple word score.
+Hey! No abbreviations!
+Not I.D., Dad. Id. It's a word.
+As in, "this game is stup-id."
+Hey, shut up, boy.
+Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
+We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary.
+We got one?
+I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
+"Id. Along with the ego and the superego, one of three components of the psyche."
+Get outta here.
+My turn. "Kwyjibo." K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.
+Twenty-two points. Plus triple word score. Plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here.
+Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
+Kwyjibo: Uh, a big, dumb, balding...
+North American ape... with no chin...
+And a short temper.
+I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
+Uh-oh, Kwyjibo on the loose!
+You, there! No chewing gum on school grounds. In the trash can with it!
+Principal Skinner! One of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
+Oh? Where?
+Over there sir, see.
+Look out Bart, here comes Skinner!
+Umm... Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
+And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.
+Good boy. Boys, let's see your hands.
+Mmm-hmm... good... okay... Simpson?
+You might say you caught him red-handed!
+Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.
+Same time, same place?
+Yes, in my office after school.
+Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simple-minded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building.
+Eat my shorts.
+Pardon?
+Now, I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any.
+Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper?
+You're right, Martin. Bart?
+Remember to visualize the complex problems. And relax. The test will start... NOW!
+At seven-thirty a.m. an express train traveling sixty miles an hour leaves Santa Fe bound for Phoenix, five hundred and twenty miles away.
+Shhhhh! Visualize it, Bart!
+At the same time a local train traveling thirty miles an hour and carrying forty passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe.
+It's eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car.
+An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off, but three times as many plus six get on.
+At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the first stop.
+Ticket, please.
+I don't have a ticket.
+Come with me, boy.
+We've got a stowaway, sir.
+Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso.
+Yaaaaahhh!
+Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them?
+He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree?
+Certainly, Martin.
+What are you looking at, Bart? Are those naughty dogs back again?
+You have twenty minutes, class.
+He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock and need to be hugged extra hard.
+That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this! "I am a weiner." He sure is!
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson are here.
+Send them in.
+Hello again, Principal Skinner.
+What have you done this time, boy?
+I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at seventy-five dollars and, frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
+Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do?
+Oh, no. He can't mean that.
+My wife thinks you want me to pay for it.
+That was the idea.
+By itself something like this might not call for an extreme penalty...but this is not an isolated incident. Bart's behavior is unruly. He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes...that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to...
+Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision --
+Mr. Skinner, Doctor Pryor is here to see you. He says it's urgent.
+Send him in.
+We're radioactive!
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
+What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
+Oh, on the contrary. I have some very exciting news for all of us. This aptitude test we administered this morning has revealed that young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child".
+A what?
+Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson.
+This lunkhead?
+Impossible.
+No, no, we're quite certain. The child is not supposed to know his own I.Q., of course, but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.
+Nine hundred and twelve?
+Uh, no, you have it upside down. It's two hundred and sixteen.
+That's still amazingly high.
+Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?
+Oh, you bet.
+Um-hmmm... Ever feel a little frustrated?
+All the time, sir.
+Uh-huh. Do you ever dream of leaving your class to pursue your own intellectual development on an independent basis?
+Wow, it's like you're readin' my mind, man.
+A-ha... You see, when a child with Bart's intellect is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person, he's probably going to lash out in ways like these.
+I think we should re-test him.
+No, no, I think we should move him to another school.
+Oh. Better yet.
+Bart, we'd like you to try a kind of school that doesn't rely on grades and rules and bells and buzzers. A school without walls. Where you do as much or as little of the assignments as you feel you need to. Does that sound good, Bart?
+Sign me up, Doc.
+Come on, Bart, your mother's only trying to help. So go ahead and enjoy the show.
+Excellent. We're all set, then. Here's all the information you need. Show up around nine-ish. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, congratulations once again.
+I think we're all in a mood to celebrate.
+Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius -- how does it happen?
+Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment...
+Uh... although, in some cases it's a total mystery.
+Aw, come on, Mom.
+You look very intelligent, dear.
+No way.
+How 'bout a tie, son? Everybody knows boy geniuses wear ties.
+You're stifling my creativity, Dad.
+Sorry, boy.
+Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
+Nonsense, Marge! Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today.
+It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
+I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
+I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit.
+Maybe so, but from now on, this dimwit is on Easy Street.
+No rush, Dad. Take the scenic route.
+Gotcha!
+Oh, no. Ties.
+Don't worry son, you can have mine. Here, let me show you how to put on a tie.
+The hook goes over the top and these things go in there.
+Thanks, Dad.
+You kissed me.
+Nurturing your brilliant brain, so I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up, get dressed! It starts at eight.
+Well, there is nothing wrong with a father kissing his son, I think. Now go on, boy, and pay attention, because if you do, one day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone.
+You must be Bart Simpson. I'm Ms. Melon , your learning coordinator.
+Let me say right at the start that we have one rule here: Make your own rules. If you feel sleepy, take a nap. If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading.
+What should I read, ma'am?
+Why, anything you want, Bart.
+A comic book. How did this get mixed in here? We used it last week as a prop in a film we made about illiteracy.
+Bart, these are the students who will share your work area. This is Ethan Foley.
+O Memsahib Bart, Rabbi has memo.
+Ethan is very good with palindromes -- you know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards. And this is Sidney Swift.
+"Trab, ing norm doog."
+What's your problem?
+Oh, don't mind Sidney. He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today. He said "Good morning, Bart". And this is Cecile Shapiro.
+Hi, Bart.
+Cool. Hamsters! What are their names?
+Hamster number one has been infected with a staphylococci virus. Hamster number two is the control hamster.
+Hi, li'l control hamster.
+I wouldn't get too attached, Bart. We're dissecting him next week.
+Discover your desks, people.
+Now, let's all welcome the newest member of our collective experience, Bart Simpson.
+And now we can continue our debate from yesterday. When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing that free will is an illusion.
+Oh, Mom! Not tonight.
+Homer, you're going, too.
+If you ask me, humankind has freedom, a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind, but this helps us to think for ourselves.
+Very good, Ian. Does anyone else have an example of a paradox?
+Without law and order, man has no freedom.
+If you want peace, you must prepare for war.
+Um-hmm, um-hmm... Well, it seems the smartest child in the class is also the quietest. Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
+Well... you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
+Well, I guess that would be a paradox, too. Thank you, Bart.
+Tell you what, Bart! I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball on the eighth moon of Jupiter from my lunch for the weight of a feather on the second moon of Neptune from your lunch.
+Well, okay.
+There you go.
+I will trade you one thousand picoliters of my milk for four gills of yours.
+Well, all right.
+Anything you say.
+Uh, Bart, would you wager your cupcake against my...
+Save your breath.
+What do you think of the new kid?
+A rather mediocre genius.
+Yes, not very bright at all.
+So, how was it?
+That's backwards for so-so.
+Wow! What are you readin' there? Comic books? Uh, guess you don't want to overheat the old noggin, eh?
+Tell you what: To celebrate your first day of genius school, whaddaya say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes?
+All righty!
+Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... uh... hmmm... What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
+But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?
+Hey, Lees, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts.
+There's no guy with peanuts, dear.
+Jeez. No beer... no opera dogs...
+"Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor / Please use the cuspidor, that's what it's for."
+Bart, stop fooling around. Homer, stop encouraging him.
+Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're supposed to encourage him.
+Who's the lard butt?
+He's the bullfighter.
+No way a bull is gonna miss a target that big, man.
+Who are those people?
+P.U. When is this over?
+It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
+Is that one fat enough for you, son?
+Let's go get a burger.
+So Y equals R cubed over three, and if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
+Well, don't you get it, Bart? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R. Hardy-har-har! Get it?
+Oh, yeah.
+Hey, guys! Great to see ya.
+Get lost, Poindexter.
+Yeah, beat it, Professor.
+Why don't you go build a rocket ship, Brainiac?
+Well, come on, you two. Don't forget about the film festival.
+The what?
+Sorry, Bart. Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie directed by some Swedish meatball.
+Oh, no.
+Well, I guess we don't have to do that.
+Um, look Dad, I got something to tell you.
+Can it wait, son? It's getting kinda dark.
+All right, Homer, come on, baby. Right across the plate -- lemme feel the wind.
+Whoa! Strike two! Two and two!
+Can you still see the ball, Bart?
+Don't worry, homeboy, you're not that fast.
+Oh, you don't think so, eh? Well, here comes some real heat.
+Whoa! Yeah, strike three! You're outta there.
+So what was it you wanted to tell me, son?
+Uh, nothin', Pop.
+I'm still trying to get you a lab partner, Bart. If we don't get any volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody. Say, what's that? It looks dangerous.
+Well, it's really pretty top secret, ma'am.
+All right, keep going. But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?
+'Course I do!
+Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this. We're... we're just concerned. When a young man with a two hundred sixteen I.Q. can't make a simple experiment work, well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me, is the class moving too slowly for you?
+Lord, no.
+Well then what can we do to make you happy?
+I want to go back to my old class.
+Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom... the ennui... the intellectual malaise?
+Yeah, well, you know... kinda... but I was thinking I could go undercover.
+Undercover? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.
+Well, I could pretend I'm a regular dumb kid. You know... to study them, and all the stuff they do with each other. You know, see what makes them tick.
+I see... like Jane Goodall and the chimps.
+Of course we're hot.
+Uh-huh, this is most impressive, Bart. You write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Skinner.
+Proposal?
+You know, outline your project, what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it.
+Gotcha, man.
+"My Proposal" by Bart Simpson. I want to pretend I am a regular dumb kid... period. By this I hope... oh no... for this I will... um... require... Aw, man!
+"My Confession" by Bart Simpson. I am a regular dumb kid... period. I cheated on my intelligence test... period.
+Uh, finished already? Principal Skinner will be very interested to... to...
+Oh. You know, you misspelled "confession."
+Hey, lookin' good, Bart.
+Bart, what happened?
+I had a little accident in chemistry today.
+Well, I bet it's nothing a little turpentine won't take off. Come on, son.
+Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
+Dad... I gotta tell you something... Hope you won't be too mad...
+What is it, son?
+I'm not a genius, Dad.
+I cheated on the intelligence test. I'm sorry. But I just want to say that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together, you've helped me out with things, and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
+Why, you little -- !
+Wuh-oh!
+Yaaaaaaaaaaaah!
+What's going on up there?
+I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
+Oh, well.
+You can't stay in there forever!
+I can try.
+March your butt right out here. Now!
+No way, man!
+But -- son, if you don't come out I can't "hug" you... and "kiss you"... and make you feel all better.
+Do you think I'm dumb enough to fall for that. I'm insulted.
+Now, class, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So I want you all to be on your best behavior. Especially you, Bart Simpson.
+Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door.
+Sorry, little dudes. Party hardy equals tardy.
+All right children, count off.
+Hey, Otto. Hey, Ottoman.
+Hey, Bartdude.
+Any new tattoos, Otto?
+Oh, funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up with this one.
+Cool! I want one.
+Uh, not till you're fourteen, my little friend.
+Bart! Bart Simpson!
+Take your seat, Bart.
+Oh, please, Mrs. Krabappel, not next to Wendell. He pukes on every bus ride.
+No offense, Wendell.
+Be that as it may, it's the only seat left. So get in there.
+Please try not to shake the seat like that.
+Now, class, remember: do not stick any part of your body out the window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck coming in the other direction.
+And I was that boy!
+Bart Simpson, sit down. I've had just about enough of your tomfoolery.
+I don't feel so hot.
+Look, there's our school again.
+Otto, are you sure you, uh...?
+It's a shortcut, Mrs. K, trust me.
+Mrs. Krabappel...! Mrs. Krabappel...!
+Bart, not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the humiliation of making you sing in front of the class.
+Can I pick the song?
+No. The song will be, "John Henry Was A Steel Drivin' Man."
+Oh, no.
+We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson.
+Yeah, Bart Simpson. We're gonna make you sing.
+That's it, Bart! Oh! Why can't you be more like... uh... uh... uh...
+Us, Mrs. Krabappel?
+Yes... Sherri and Terri. They know how to behave.
+THEY TOOK BART SIMPSON TO THE GRAVEYARD / AND THEY BURIED HIM IN THE SAND, OH, YEAH / AND EVERY LOCOMOTIVE THAT COMES ROARIN' BY / SAYS, 'THERE LIES A STEEL-DRIVIN' MAN, LORD! LORD! OH, THERE LIES A --
+Bart... Bart... Okay Bart, that's enough.
+Hey, Wendell, you made it, buddy.
+...And so this plant harnesses the power of the atom so that we have the energy to run everything from your favorite video game to yummy cotton candy machines. Let's learn more about nuclear energy, shall we? Lights.
+When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this.
+But when we talk about nuclear energy, we really mean this.
+But what exactly is nuclear energy? I don't know, but I know someone who does: Smilin' Joe Fission.
+Hi there, energy eaters. I'm Smilin' Joe Fission, your atomic tour guide to the strange and exciting world of nuclear power.
+And these are rods of uranium two-thirty-five. Hi, Rod. Hey, Rod. How you doin', Rod?
+Hey, you guys look hot.
+Nothin's easy.
+Uh-oh, well, how 'bout a dip in the pool?
+The rods make the water so hot, it boils.
+Ooch! Ooch! Ouch. Ooh! Hot! Oh, pain!
+And the steam spins turbines that generate energy.
+Bart, sit down.
+Uh-oh. Whoops! Looks like there's a little leftover nuclear waste! No problem! I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.
+So now you know the whole true story of Nuclear Energy, Our No Longer Misunderstood Friend. So keep on smilin'.
+And now, let's have even more fun.
+...And uh, over here is our thermal regulator. To your right, if you look through this window, you'll see where our water rejoins the rest of nature's biosphere.
+Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent.
+What does "incompetent" mean?
+It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.
+Oh, okay. I thought you were puttin' him down.
+You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and ones baked today. Hey, my boy's s'posed to be here any second on a field trip. They been through here yet?
+Come on, Simpson. If they wanted the kids to see you sitting around on your butt and stuffing your face they'd take them on a tour of your house.
+You're right! I gotta get where the action is!
+Comin' through.
+Hey, there's my dad. Hey, Dad! Yo, Homer!
+Woo! Woo! I'm up here!
+Oh, hi, boy!
+All right, who's responsible for this?
+I might have known it was you, Simpson.
+But, sir, I --
+I don't want to hear about it, Simpson. You're fired. Oh, hi, girls!
+Hi, Daddy.
+Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
+Those perfectionists? Forget it.
+How 'bout this: Supervising Technician at the toxic waste dump.
+I'm no Supervising Technician. I'm a Technical Supervisor. I've never done anything worthwhile in my life. I'm a big worthless nothing.
+There, there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.
+Yeah, Dad. You can do it!
+Yeah, go for it, Dad.
+You're right! I'm young, I'm able-bodied, and I'll take anything. Watch out, Springfield, here I come.
+Don't give up, Dad.
+I'm just a Technical Supervisor who cared too much.
+Moe's Tavern.
+Is Mr. Freely there?
+Freely. First initials, I.P.
+Hold on, I'll check. Ah, is, I.P. Freely here? Hey everybody, I.P. Freely?
+Wait a minute. Listen, to me you lousy bum! When I get a hold of you you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
+You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
+Ahh, I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.
+Moe, I think I'll have another -- -- Whoops. Moe, I'm a little low on funds. You think could cover me just this once?
+No, sorry.
+Why not? I think after all these years I deserve an explanation.
+I don't think you're ever going to get another job and be able to pay me back.
+Don't worry, we're still friends.
+Are you all right, Homer?
+I'm fine. I'm just thinking.
+What'd you say?
+Well, I've been thinking, too. You know, Homer, you've always been such a good provider, but when we got married, Mr. Berger promised I could come back to my old job anytime I wanted.
+You think you can still do that kind of work?
+Sure! You never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle.
+Hey, Mama, where's my fries already?
+Dad, eat something. It's got mustard on it.
+All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
+I don't know what else to do.
+There's only one thing we can do. Take advantage of the old guy. You gotta sign my report card, Dad.
+Loaftime, The Cable Network For The Unemployed, will be back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this.
+Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time. Duff's the beer that makes the days fly by.
+YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT WONDERFUL DUFF / DUFF BEER.
+Beer! Now there's a temporary solution.
+There must be some beer here somewhere... Ah, maybe in here.
+I need money!
+Oh, no, what have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents. Not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...
+Not even close.
+"Dear Family: I am an utter failure and you'll be better off without me. By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave. I can only leave you with the words my father gave me: 'Stand tall, have courage and never give up.' I only hope I can provide a better model in death than I did in life. Warmest regards, Love Homer J. Simpson."
+Oh, looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.
+Well, maybe not. Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.
+Mom! Mom! Wake up!
+We've been robbed!
+Someone swiped my piggy bank.
+Your father's gone, too.
+Look what I found.
+Almost there.
+Hey, you idiot! Watch where you're going!
+Well, live and learn.
+There he is!
+Don't do it, Dad!
+Boy, this intersection is dangerous! Someone ought to put a stop sign here.
+Oh, Homer, how could you think of killing yourself? We love you.
+Yeah, Dad. / Yeah. / We love you.
+Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face. I don't care who I have to fight. I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign.
+Ah, next on the agenda, Police Chief Wiggum will give us an update on our graffiti problem.
+Well it's no secret our city's under siege by a graffiti vandal known as "El Barto". Police artists have a composite sketch of the culprit. If anyone has any information, please contact us immediately.
+Cool, man!
+Wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley
+And now, new business. Homer Simpson, local resident, has something. Mr. Simpson?
+Don't be nervous. We believe in you, Homer.
+Oh, yeah?
+Oh, yeah?
+Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed Councilmen, boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our cavemen ancestors to the --
+Simpson, get to the point!
+I think we should put a stop sign at D Street and Twelfth. The other --
+All in favor?
+Approved. Meeting adjourned. Coffee and maple logs in the lobby.
+Wow. They listened to me.
+All right, Dad!
+Way to go, Homer!
+You did it, Homer.
+Hey, if they think I'm gonna stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken.
+Oh, Homer. I am so proud of you.
+Proud. Proud of what?
+Well, everything. Your dip sign, for instance. Now people won't be caught off-guard by that little in the road.
+Ah, what a great family! But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There is a danger in this town that is bigger than all the dips put together.
+What, Dad?
+I'm talking about that!
+You don't mean you're going to take on your old bosses?
+Gee, Dad's a hero.
+What did you say, son?
+Nothin'.
+That's okay. I'll just assume you said what I thought I heard you say.
+He also brought you the... Speed Bump...
+The Dip Sign...
+The fifteen miles per hour speed limit on Main Street.
+I give you the man whose very name is synonymous with safety... Homer Simpson!
+Homer! Homer!
+Thank you.
+Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. Just a good, honest American who opposes wrongdoing and especially carelessness wherever they occur.
+Look at that man. He has the crowd in the palm of his hand. Haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. Who is he?
+That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant, but we fired him for gross incompetence.
+Oh, so that's his little game. Get this Simpson character up here right now.
+But, Mr. Burns --
+I said, DO IT! NOW, DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
+Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them, incompetent boobs. I know this because I have worked along side them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say, this stinks!
+Right on, Dad!
+Hey, hey, Simpson.
+Burns wants to talk to you, privately.
+Privately?
+Stay here, I'll be right back.
+Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet.
+Same here.
+Simpson. I want you to rejoin our power plant family.
+Sorry, no can do!
+Hear me out, Simpson. I don't want you to come back as a Technical Supervisor, or Supervising Technician, or whatever the hell you used to do. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant.
+Safety? But, sir, if truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee. There were even a few doozies no one ever found out about.
+The generous offer I'm making is good for exactly thirty seconds, Simpson.
+Oh, yeah?
+Hey! What's the problem here?
+Me in charge of safety? This place could blow sky-high. Nah. I'll concentrate on my work now. Gee, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family. This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I...
+Simpson! Time's up!
+Umm... What the hey. I'll take the job.
+Excellent! Your first duty will be to step out on the balcony and tell that crowd this plant is safe.
+Go on, Homer.
+Go, Dad!
+Ladies and gentlemen, this plant is --
+Oh, sit tight. I'll be right back.
+I can't do it, Mr. Burns.
+You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise just for your principles?
+Hmm. When you put it that way, it does sound a little far-fetched. But that's the lug you're looking at. And I vow to continue spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job.
+You're not as stupid as you look... or sound... or our best testing indicates.
+You've got the job. Now get to work.
+I'll get to work. But first I have to say goodbye to some friends.
+Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog so you won't scrape yourself or stub your toes or blow yourselves up, but you can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.
+...and I'm gonna have to live with out your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you this is I'm going to be leaving you.
+But, don't worry. I've just been appointed the new safety inspector at this very plant...with a big fat raise!
+Hey, that's my pop up there! Dad watch out!
+Whoa! Easy! Don't drop me! Be careful.
+Oh, yeah?
+We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
+You were? Aw, well go ahead.
+You love him more!
+No, you do!
+No, I don't!
+Yes, you do!
+No I don't!
+Look, you'd better get this all out of your system right now. I don't want you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.
+Mmmm! Marshmallow!
+I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate noises out of my system while I can, Marge. I don't want to embarrass myself at the company picnic.
+Are you sure that's enough? You know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts.
+Oh, Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it. Once.
+Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoken to me without using the word "bonehead".
+There it is, kids... Stately Burns Manor. Heaven on earth.
+Okay, now look. My boss is gonna be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
+Tough choice.
+I'm picking respect.
+Good to see you. Glad you could make it.
+Oh, thank you, Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you invited us.
+Not me. I had to miss little league for this.
+Quiet, Tom.
+Oh, please, please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good time.
+Fire that man, Smithers. I don't want him or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
+He'll be gone by the Tug-of-War, sir.
+Excellent!
+Afternoon, Mr. Burns.
+Ah... Hello, there, uh... uh...
+Simpson, Homer.
+Here you go, sir.
+Oh yes. And this must be your lovely wife... ... "Marge." And look at little... ... "Lisa". Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... ... "Brat".
+Don't correct the man, Brat. Oh, Boss, look what we brought... gelatin desserts.
+Oh, for the love of Peter! That's all anybody brought. Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop. Well, toss it in the pile over there.
+And make yourselves at home.
+Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.
+Why you, listen to me you...
+Trouble, Simpson?
+No, heh, heh, heh. Just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.
+Now, remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
+Hey Bart, last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!
+Be normal! Be normal!
+Oh, what an adorable little girl.
+Thank you. Why don't we dump them in the nursery, and get a glass of punch?
+Oh, I'm not much of a drinker.
+Hey, isn't that your boy there, torturing the swans?
+Ummm... Maybe I will take you up on that punch.
+Do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?
+You're right. There.
+Bart! Lisa! Maggie!
+Where are you, kids?
+Gotcha!
+Whoa careful, Dad. Blow a gasket and you lose your job.
+Marge! Knock it off!
+Is it used?
+Now hear this! The father-son sack race will begin in five minutes on the north lawn. Participation is mandatory; repeat, mandatory. That is all.
+You remember the rules from last year?
+Yeah. Shut my mouth and let your boss win.
+I don't know who to love more. My son Joshua, who is captain of the football team, or my daughter Amber, who got the lead in the school play. Usually I use their grades as a tie-breaker, but they both got straight A's this term, so what's a mother to do?
+Uh-huh. Well, uh... I sense greatness in my family.
+Your family?
+Well, it's a greatness that others can't see, but it's there and if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average. I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a li'l al-key-hol in this punch.
+Mr. Burns, are you ready?
+Are you set?
+Go, Mr. Burns.
+Man, this is pathetic. I'm goin' for it.
+Bart! No! No! No, no! Oh no, Bart, No! Don't! Noooo!
+Close one this year.
+Here we sit enjoying the shade.
+Hey brother, pour the wine.
+Drink the drink that I have made.
+Hey brother, pour the wine.
+He's here at last my one and only. Good-bye friends and don't be lonely.
+Hey brother, pour the wine.
+Marge, I need you.
+Hey Homie. Did you try the punch?
+Snap out of it, Marge. You've got to come with me--the boss is going to make a toast!
+Well, I'm not much of a drinker...
+Well, you picked a perfect time to start.
+Musicians, cease that infernal tutlitating. "Thank you all..." "...for coming."
+Wahhhhhhhhh!
+Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Sorry. Sorry.
+But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle. The hounds will be released in ten minutes.
+Did you have a good time, son?
+Yeah, thanks, Pop.
+Awww. That's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers...
+Yes, sir?
+Get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant.
+Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.
+Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid!
+Bart, please. Five bucks for a kiss.
+I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.
+Fabulous observation, sir. Just fabulous.
+Boy, I'm glad that's over. Now we can go home and act normal again.
+What do you mean?
+Oh come on. That cornball routine. "I love you, Daddy." Give me a break.
+I pity you.
+After you.
+Thank you so much.
+Me first!
+No, me!
+No, me!
+No, Me!
+Honey, you look tired. Would you like me to drive?
+Ohhh, Homie. I think I'm going to be sick.
+There was a farmer who had a dog. And Bingo was his name, oh...
+B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O. And Bingo was his name! Oh!
+Homie, get in the car.
+This is where you belong.
+Yeah, Homer. Room for one more.
+One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!
+These people are obviously freaks.
+B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O. And Bingo was his name! Oh!
+The father of the family has worked all day to find this food for his children. Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets are dependant on their mother regurgitating the food, which he has found.
+Look everybody, yesterday was a real eye-opener. We've got to do better as a family. So tonight we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family.
+Happy, Dad?
+Good. Commence shovelling.
+No. We're going to say grace first.
+Okay. Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub.
+No! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now can the chatter and bow your heads. Dear Lord, thank you for this microwaved bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions... pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did. You're everywhere. You're omnivorous. Oh, Lord, why did you smite me with this family?
+Amen. Let's eat.
+No! I'm not done yet.
+But Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here and listen to you badmouth us to the Man upstairs?
+I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
+Maybe we should move to a larger community.
+Don't have a cow, Dad.
+The sad truth is all families are like us.
+You think so, huh? Well, there's only one way to find out. Follow me.
+Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling...
+No belching.
+The dad has a shirt on.
+Look, napkins.
+Yahhhhhhhh!
+Oh, you think so? Well, let's see what's behind Door Number Two.
+What are they doing?
+They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each other.
+I wish I could hear what they're saying.
+Papa, I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.
+I did too. Better get my gun.
+Where's he going?
+Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.
+Whoa, look at this place. What a dump.
+It's worse than you think. I just trampled these poor saps' flower bed.
+Homer, this is our house.
+Are you coming in, Homer?
+No, no. I want to be alone with my thought.
+The fans are getting just a little bit anxious here folks...
+Another beer, Moe.
+What's the matter, Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year, and you're sittin' there like a thirsty bump on a log.
+Evening, Moe.
+Want some pretzels?
+No, thanks. We're on duty. Couple beers would be nice, though.
+That'll be two bucks, boys. Just kidding!
+Good one, Moe. Hey listen, we're looking for a family of Peeping Toms that has been terrorizing the neighborhood.
+Quiet, boy. Let the nice people enjoy their beers. Uh, don't worry. This dog has the scent.
+Hey! What's gotten into Bobo?
+I've got some wieners in my pocket.
+That figures. Come on, you stupid dog.
+You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling?
+You know, Moe, my Mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment," and, God bless her soul, she was really onto something.
+Don't blame yourself, Homer. You got dealt a bad hand. You got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
+You can't talk that way about my kids. Or, at least two of them.
+Why? You got two I haven't met?
+Why, you... Here's five you haven't met.
+And a tremendous right! That's just got to hurt! Ladies and gentlemen, this fight is over!
+All-Star Boxing is brought to you by "Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center".
+Huh... what?
+Honey, aren't you going to work today?
+No, I don't think so.
+Honey, you have a problem. And it won't get better till you admit it.
+I admit this: You better shut your big yap.
+Oh you, shut up.
+No, you shut up.
+No, you shut up.
+Oh, Shut up!
+Shut up!
+Shut up!
+Why don't you both shut up!
+Hi, friends. I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar? If so, I can help. No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets. Just family bliss, or double your money back. So call today!
+Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center. 1-800-555-HUGS. Why don't you call... Right now?
+When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. Heh-heh. They're on TV!
+All right, time for a family meeting!
+Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?
+Now, look, you know and I know this family needs help. Professional help. So I made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe.
+The fat guy on TV?
+Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.
+Gee, Homer, are you sure this is the right thing to do?
+Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study. And of all the commercials I saw, his was the best. All it costs is two hundred and fifty dollars.
+But we don't have that kind of money.
+Well, then, we're just going to have to dig deep. Marge, go get the kids' college fund.
+Oh, Homer.
+Oh, come on, Marge. Why scrimp now on the off-chance that they'll actually get in someplace?
+...forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty. Eighty-eight dollars and fifty cents.
+That's it? That's the college fund we've been saving for all these years?
+I guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship.
+Well, we're not licked yet. To save this family, we're gonna have to make the supreme sacrifice.
+No, Dad! Please don't pawn the TV!
+Oh, c'mon Dad! Anything but that!
+Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
+Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred and fifty dollars here.
+Afternoon, Simpson. So what can I do for you?
+Would you pay one hundred fifty dollars for this lovely Motorola?
+Is it cable-ready?
+Ready as she'll ever be!
+Mister, you got yourself a deal.
+All our money, the college funds, the TV. Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
+Hey, no pain, no gain.
+. Will you be paying by cash or check?
+Cash, of course. I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here with me. I'm holding it right now. Here it is. Look. Check it out. Two hundred and fifty big ones.
+If you really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where our TV used to be.
+Come on, family. Let's go celebrate our new found ability to express love for each other. I'm taking you out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!
+There go my young-girl dreams of Vassar.
+Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. No doubt you recognize me from TV.
+We would if we had one.
+No, no, Homer, don't stifle the youngster. Your family must feel free to express itself. That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for. I want you to draw for me your fears, your anxieties, the roots of your unhappiness. Now take a deep, cleansing breath...and begin.
+No surprises here. Homer?
+Homer, what have you got for us? Homer?
+Whoops. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
+Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure - an ogre, if you will.
+Now, Doctor, that's not true.
+"Ogre" is such a strong word.
+Right on, Doc. Another successful diagnosis.
+Whoa! Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy. There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict. All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.
+Good idea.
+All right!
+I don't know...
+Okay, let's take another deep, cleansing breath.
+Wait a minute. These mallet things are padded with foam rubber. What's the point?
+They'd work much better without the padding, Doc.
+No, no. That's not true.
+Ow! Gimme that.
+Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.
+Are we cured yet?
+Don't be ridiculous. You will be cured, but it's going to require somewhat more unorthodox methods.
+Unortho what?
+Don't worry, I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up the electric generator.
+Everyone comfy? Good. Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you, for a very important reason, i.e. you are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock--
+Arrrgh!
+Just testing.
+Why you...
+No, Homer! Not yet!
+You see, this is what is known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically, and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all. And won't that be wonderful, Homer?
+Oh, yes, doctor.
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Bart, how could you shock your little sister?
+My finger slipped.
+Arrrgh!
+So did mine.
+Bart! Lisa! Stop that.
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+No, no. No! No, wait a minute! Wait! Wait! Folks! Folks, if I could... Not yet! This is not the way to get healthy!
+Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, Sir.
+These are for Lisa's class.
+Excellent, excellent. Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo.
+Arrrgh!
+No, no!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Arrrgh!
+Stop! No!
+Doctor Monroe! Your other patients have fled the building!
+Stop! Stop! You're damaging the equipment.
+Hey, nice hair, Mom.
+Gee, I thought we were making real progress.
+No, I'm sorry, you're not. Please, you've just got to go.
+Wait a minute, Doc! Your TV commercial said family bliss, or double our money back!
+Oh but that was just... All right. Get the money.
+five hundred. Here! Just go, and never tell anyone you were here.
+Wow! Five hundred smackers!
+Homer, how wonderful. Our first pleasant surprise.
+It's not the money as much as the feeling that we earned it.
+You did it, Dad.
+Excuse me, dear. Shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get our TV back?
+That piece of junk? Forget it! We're going to get a new TV! Twenty-one-inch screen... realistic flesh tones... and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
+Oh, Homer... we love you.
+Do I smell cupcakes?
+Oooo, Do I ever!
+Uh-uh, Homer. Lisa's making these for her teacher.
+Ah. Say no more.
+Yum. Don't mind if I do!
+Oh, man.
+Keep your greasy mitts outta there.
+It's Mrs. Hoover's birthday!
+You know, there are names for people like you.
+No there aren't.
+Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser...
+Bart, you're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing.
+Well, you see, boy. It never hurts to grease the wheels a little.
+I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher.
+Surely, Lisa. You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake here, a good grade there.
+Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard.
+Yeah, right, Lis. It's the three roads to success, Bart. Work, brains, and...
+Oh, brother.
+Uh oh, school bus! Gotta go.
+Yo, Otto-man.
+Yo, Bart-dude.
+Hey, can you believe it, man? My sister here made a whole pile of cupcakes to butter up her teacher, and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb!
+That's bad news, man.
+Here, Otto, I made an extra one for you.
+Oh, thanks, little lady.
+You're welcome.
+Better let me hold these, Lis.
+Forget it.
+You sniveling toad! You little egg sucker!
+Tell me more.
+Backscratcher! Foot licker! Honor student!
+You'll never get one now, Mr. Name-caller.
+All right, all right. Look. I'm sorry. I-I got upset. In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.
+You weren't thinking, were you?
+I'm not a sniveling toad, am I?
+Not really.
+Does not.
+I'm not a little egg sucker, am I?
+Of course not.
+Then what am I?
+A beautiful human being.
+What do you like best about me?
+Well, I'd have to say... your generous nature, your spirit of giving.
+Well... hm...
+Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise.
+Thanks, Lis. You're the best.
+Look, Janey, cupcakes.
+Gimme that!
+Hey! Give those back!
+Hey, what's the big idea? That's my sister, man!
+So what?
+So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off.
+Don't Bart! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz.
+Nelson, you're bleeding.
+Nah. This happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me.
+Hey, wait a minute. You're right. You made me bleed my own blood.
+Uh, it was an ACCIDENT, man. A terrible ghastly mistake! Ask anybody!
+Uh, oh. A cold wind!
+Hello, kids. Everything above the board here? Good. Play friendly, children.
+Uh, oh. There's your bell. Come along now, all of you.
+No dawdling, now.
+I'll get you after school, man.
+Oh, no no no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up. It's time for class.
+Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot.
+Okay, Nelson. Put up your dukes.
+Uh, oh!
+Does, too.
+Hmmm. Lunchtime. Lunchtime.
+Bart. It's lunchtime.
+I ain't gonna get outta the fourth grade alive.
+You've gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart.
+But I can't squeal. It would violate the code of the school yard.
+Hey, everybody. Here comes my brother, Bart the bully­ killer!
+Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. I'm not saying I'm not a hero. I'm just saying that I fear for my safety.
+Look out!
+Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man -- Listen up, you may get a kick out of it. -- My sister was baking cupcakes this morning and...
+I'll see you at the flagpole at three fifteen.
+And you better be prompt.
+He has four other beatings scheduled for this afternoon.
+Goodbye, little dude. He looks so life-like, man.
+Yes, the school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight. Goodbye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time.
+Thanks, Bart. We got the day off from school for this.
+Yeah, and I got the day off from work.
+But what's a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again. Oh, Bart. Oh, Bart.
+That's better, Homer. Be brave. Bye bye, Bart. You were always my special little guy.
+Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. I know you can't eat it now, so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. .
+Hey, look! They got food at this thing. And here's one for the road, dude. .
+Put 'em up!
+Boy, you sure taught me a lesson. Whew! Thanks guys. I guess now all that's left is a hearty handshake. Right guys?
+I'm gonna get you again tomorrow, Simpson.
+Is three fifteen good for ya?
+Uh, not really.
+Too bad.
+Oh man, that guy's tough to love.
+Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
+Tough day at school, boy?
+Bart, what happened to you?
+Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister.
+So you had a little scuffle, eh? Hope you won.
+I'm gonna miss you, big guy.
+Bart, your mother has the fool idea that you're upset about something.
+Dad... I need help... Please...
+Come on, Bart, we don't want your mother to see you crying. Here, let me help you dry those tears.
+So, what's the problem, son?
+I had a run-in with a bully.
+A bully?!
+Come on, Marge. I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa.
+Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
+I guess I could do that.
+What? And violate the code of the school yard? I'd rather Bart died.
+What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
+The code of the School yard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see... Don't tattle... Always make fun of those different from you... Never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do... Hmmm, what else... ?
+I know.
+Oh Homer, that's ridiculous. Bart, instead of fighting, why don't you try a little understanding?
+What do you mean, Mom?
+Yeah, right! This ought to be good for a laugh.
+Shh! This bully friend of yours... Is he a little on the chunky side?
+Yeah, - he's pretty chunkified, all right.
+Huh huh. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies either.
+No. He's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
+That's why he lashes out at the world.
+Aw, Marge.
+So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go.
+Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi. Let's go, boy.
+Now here's that bully of yours. Show me your stuff.
+No, no! Not like that! Like this!
+See, that boy? You didn't expect that, did you? And neither will he.
+You mean I should fight dirty, Dad?
+Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.
+So the next time this bully thinks you're gonna throw a punch, you throw a glob of mud in his eyes, and then you sock him when he's staggering around, blinded...
+And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
+Gotcha.
+And if you get the chance, get 'em right in the family jewels. That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.
+Thanks, Pop.
+Put 'em up.
+Remember the family jewels, son.
+Whoa! Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Oh no, boys, not the can, please.
+Bart, you can't go on like this.
+Why don't you go see Grampa?
+What can he do?
+He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive.
+Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
+I'm here to see Grampa.
+Half the people here are named Grampa.
+Well, Grampa Simpson then.
+Second floor, third dank room on the left.
+Thanks lady.
+Dear Advertisers: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: Bra. Number two: Horny. Number three: Family jewels.
+Hi, Grampa!
+Bart! What brings you here?
+I need some advice, Grampa. See, there's this bully at school who keeps beating me up.
+Well, let me tell you something, boy. If you don't stand up for yourself, bullies are gonna be picking on you for the rest of your life.
+Simpson, gimme your newspaper.
+Why should I?
+I want to do the crossword puzzle.
+No, I want to do the crossword puzzle.
+I said gimme that puzzle!
+I guess I can't help you, but I know someone who can.
+Yep. This is it.
+What's the password?
+Let me in, you idiot.
+Right you are.
+So Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's Soldier of Fortune come in yet?
+Not yet. Can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants?
+No. Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.
+Hello, young American.
+Hello, sir. Uh... Mr. Herman, did you lose your arm in the war?
+My arm? Well, let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it.
+Yes, sir. I will.
+Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy.
+Strategy? Hmmm. How many men do you have?
+You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard. Now let's see...
+Okay... The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street: The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First, you'll need a declaration of war.
+That way everything you do will be nice and legal. Okay, I can use this one from the Franco­ Prusssian War. I'll just change Otto von Bismark to read Bart Simpson and...
+Psst! Grampa! I think this guy's a little nuts.
+Oh yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy is completely out of his mind. We can't fail!
+Pass it on.
+I wonder where Bart is?
+Yeah, it's way past fifteen hundred hours.
+Okay. We all know why we're here, right?
+No, why?
+To fight Nelson, the bully.
+That guy's been tormenting all of us for years. And I for one am sick of it.
+I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times, but the one thing I do know...
+Whoa! Whoa! All right, okay. I promise you victory. I promise you good times.
+I got a B in arithmetic.
+I got a B in arithmetic.
+Woulda got an A but I was sick!
+Woulda got an A but I was sick!
+We are rubber, you are glue.
+We are rubber, you are glue.
+It bounces off us and sticks to you.
+It bounces off us and sticks to you.
+Sound off!
+One, two.
+Sound off!
+Three, four.
+Go! Go!
+What's the matter with you, soldier?
+It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking anymore.
+Your nerves!
+I won't have cowards in my army.
+Sorry, Bart. You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock. But, for some reason, you can't slap 'em. Now, apologize to that boy right now.
+Sorry, man.
+It's cool.
+In English class I did the best.
+In English class I did the best.
+Because I cheated on the test.
+Because I cheated on the test.
+Sound off!
+One, two.
+I can't hear you.
+Three four.
+All right, there's your enemy! Now hit him! Hit him! Let's go, next group! Martinez! Steinberg! O'Hara! Chang! Olajuwon! Herman!
+We are happy. We are merry.
+We are happy. We are merry.
+We got a rhyming dictionary.
+We got a rhyming dictionary.
+Sound off!
+One two.
+One more time.
+Three four.
+Bring it on home now.
+One, two, three, four. One, two, three four.
+Nelson's at the Elm Street Video Arcade.
+Intelligence indicates he shakes down kids for quarters at the Arcade, then heads to the Kwik-E-Mart for a cherry Squishee.
+And that's where we'll hit him. When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we'll start the saturation-bombing. We got the water balloons?
+Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
+Well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.
+Okay, our main force will be split into two groups. One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat. The other will drive in this way closing the trap. It's a classic pincers movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old.
+Nelson's at the arcade, General.
+Battle stations!
+I feel so alive!
+You know, I thought I was too old, I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.
+Hey. Good Squishees.
+What flavor did you get?
+Hey, you two birds. You're gonna be sucking all your meals through straws if you two don't shut your traps.
+Well, looky here. Little Bart Simpson.
+Nelson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to teach you a lesson.
+Ha! Oh yeah? You and what army?
+This one. Artillery...commence saturation bombing.
+Awright, you kids, keep it down! Am I making myself... ?
+I got 'im.
+You, up in the tree! The tall gray­ haired kid! Get your butt down here right now!
+Please don't hurt us!
+We surrender!
+We were only following orders!
+Eww! Knock it off!
+Well, I guess you learned your lesson, so now I'll untie ya.
+The second you untie me, I'm going to beat you to death, man.
+Well... if that's going to be your attitude, I'm not going to untie you.
+Hah! You're gonna have to sometime.
+Uh oh, he's right!
+Don't you worry. I was ready for this eventuality. Armistice Treaty. Article Four. Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger... Article Five... Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist. Article Six... although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.
+Wow, sounds good to me. Okay. I'll sign.
+What about you, boy?
+All right, I'll sign.
+Are you boys through playing war?
+Yes, Mrs. Simpson.
+Good. Then here are some cupcakes.
+Oh, boy!
+Cupcakes.
+But, Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about.
+Not now, Marge.
+Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library -- many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
+Lisa! Lisa, are you still in there? What's the problem? Did you fall in? Lisa!
+Sorry, Dad. Women and children first.
+Wha' th--
+Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work.
+Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
+Did you check the den?
+The den! Great idea!
+Warm... no, cold... colder... Ice cold.
+Do you know where my keys are?
+No. I'm talking about your breakfast.
+Did you try the rumpus room?
+Rumpus room. Great idea!
+Oh, Dad...
+I'm sorry, everybody. But I've only got two cupcakes for the three of you.
+Well, Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to keep him...
+Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.
+Oh yeah!
+All right. Hey, hey!
+All right, class, from the top. One and two and... three and.
+Lisa...
+Lisa Simpson!
+Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'Tis Of Thee."
+I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up his...
+Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week.
+Now, class. From the top. Five, six, seven...
+Every day at noon a bell rings and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable...
+Food fight!
+C'mon, Lees, what are you waiting for?
+Chuck that spaghetti!
+I choose not to participate.
+Lisa, we are playing dodge ball here. The object of the game is to avoid the ball by weaving or ducking out of its path.
+In other words, to dodge the ball.
+Listen, missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way of those balls.
+I'm too sad.
+Too sad to play dodge ball? That's ridiculous. Now, let's see some enthusiasm! Play ball!
+Come on, come on. Let's go.
+In the red trunks, with a record of forty-eight wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, Battling Bart Simpson. Whoopee! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and forty-eight defeats -- oh, correction, humiliating defeats -- all of them by knockout...
+Must you do this every time?
+...Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson. Boo! Boo! Hiss!
+And Homer is down! Three seconds, folks -- a new record!
+Oh, no! I'm not down, I'm -- get up, you! Get up! Come on!
+Okay. Here we go.
+Yo, chump, you back again?
+Get out of the way! How come he's not ducking? Ugh! Wait a minute, I can't get my... Get out of the way, stupid!
+Ohhh... get out of the corner!
+But they sent a note from school.
+What did you do this time, you little hoodlum? Oop. Get out of the way.
+I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.
+No, Bart. This note isn't about you.
+It isn't? There must be some mistake.
+Hey, you're right. This note's about Lisa.
+"Lisa refuses to play dodge ball because she is sad." Well, she doesn't look sad. I don't see any tears in her eyes.
+It's not that kind of sad. I'm sorry, Dad, but you wouldn't understand.
+Oh, sure I would, princess. I have feelings, too. You know, like "my stomach hurts" or "I'm going crazy". Why don't you climb up on Daddy's knee and tell him all about it?
+I'm just wondering, what's the point? Would it make any difference at all if I never existed? How can we sleep at night when there's so much suffering in the world?
+Well... eh... er...eh...
+Come on, Lisa... ride the Homer horsey. Giddiyap! Whee!
+Lisa, honey, why don't we go upstairs and I'll draw you a nice hot bath? That helps me when I feel sad.
+Sorry, Dad. I know you mean well.
+Thanks for knowing I mean well.
+Gee, Homer. Looks like you got yourself a real problem on your hands.
+You're right. Bart, vacuum this floor!
+Hey, man, I didn't do anything wrong.
+In times of trouble, you got to go with what you know. Now hop to it, boy!
+Stupid Homer... Thinks he's so big... Stupid Homer... Stupid Homer. I'll show him.
+Enjoy your bath?
+No. Not really.
+Oh. Too bad. Well, I certainly had fun vacuuming. Maybe now I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub.
+So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself.
+Hey, don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie. She's on my side, anyway.
+Is not.
+Is, too.
+Is not.
+Is, too.
+Is not.
+Is, too. Watch, I'll prove it. Maggie, come to the one you love best.
+No, Maggie! Come here, girl. Come to me.
+Come on, Maggie. The choice is obvious.
+No, Maggie, don't go for the glitter. Look for substance.
+All right Maggie, just go to Bart.
+Exactly, come to the one you love.
+Oh, no, come on! Don't let that boy -- get out of the... Oh, no, not again! Don't. Don't. Don't. Great, get over. Oh, geeze.
+Gee, Dad, you're really bad at this.
+I am not. It's just that I couldn't concentrate with that infernal racket. Lisa! Lisa!
+Lisa, what did I tell you about playing that saxamathing in the house?
+I was just playing the blues... ...Dad.
+Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead -- play your blues if it'll make you happy.
+No, that's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering. Unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
+Let's hear it.
+You just clack as loud as you want. Lis.
+I've got to find that sound.
+That was beautiful. What's it called?
+It's a little tune that I call the "I Never Had An Italian Suit Blues."
+Wait, Margie. Before you go out that door, let's put our happy face on. Because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile.
+What th...
+Put up your dukes, Homer.
+Bart, go easy on me. I'm your Dad.
+I am going easy on you, but you're just so old and slow and weak and pathetic.
+No, Bart, no.
+Homer, wake up! Wake up! Oh my, here let me wipe off that drool.
+You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day of my life is when I realized I could beat my dad at most things. And Bart experienced that at the age of four. So why are you still awake?
+Well, I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa. I don't know, Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while our little Lisa's becoming a young woman.
+Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing.
+Good night, Homer.
+Now -- low B-flat.
+Okay, Lisa -- altissimo register.
+Very nice, very nice. I once ruptured myself doing that.
+Thanks, Mr. Murphy.
+My friends call me Bleeding Gums.
+Ew! How'd you get a name like that?
+Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
+Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.
+I have problems, too.
+Well, I can't help you, kid. I'm just a terrific horn player with tons of soul. But I can jam with you.
+OH I'M SO LONELY, SINCE MY BABY LEFT ME / I GOT NO MONEY, AND NOTHING IS FREE / OH I BEEN SO LONELY, SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN / ALL I GOT IS THIS RUSTY... THIS RUSTY OLD HORN.
+"I got a bratty brother / He bugs me every day / And this mornin' my own mother, she gave my last cupcake away! / My Dad acts like he belongs... he belongs in the zoo / I'm the sa...dest kid in grade number two."
+Aw come on, I'll cheer you up.
+You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.
+Yeah, but I don't feel any better.
+The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel worse and making a few bucks while you're at it. Which reminds me, if you're ever in the neighborhood, I'm playing at a little club called the Jazz Hole...
+Lisa, get away from that jazzman!
+But Mom, can't I... stay a little longer?
+Come on, come on. We were worried about you. Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.
+Today's fire raced through downtown Springfield gutting Symphony Hall, the Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts Center...
+And Barney's Bowl-a-Rama.
+Fire officials said the two-alarm blaze took them more than an hour to get under control.
+Oh, no, Marge!
+Marge, are you all right?
+No, I'm very upset.
+Then you've heard. Oh, God. What are we doing to do? The lanes were kinda warped but, oh, the food!
+I'm upset about Lisa.
+Oh. Me, too.
+Me three. What are we talking about?
+Do you think you're being nice enough to your sister, Bart?
+Oh, yeah. Easy.
+You do love her, don't you?
+Oh, Mom.
+Well you do, don't you?
+Don't make me say it. I know the answer, you know the answer, he knows the answer, let's just drop it. Okay?
+Okay, Bart, you don't have to say it, but you do have to have a loving attitude. Be nice to your sister.
+Okey-dokey.
+Go on, Bart. No time like the present.
+Hi, man.
+I don't want your pity.
+Yeah! Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
+Is Jacques there?
+Jacques. Last name Strap.
+Hold on. Uh..Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
+What -- oh! Wait a minute -- Jacques Strap? It's you, isn't it? You cowardly little runt. When I get hold of you I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
+Where's your sense of humor, man?
+Lisa, you'll be late for band practice. Let's go.
+Gimme some quarters. I'm doing my laundry.
+Yeah, right.
+Where's the video boxing?
+It's over there in the corner, but if I were you, I really would use those quarters for laundry.
+Hey, that kid's pretty good.
+Good? Are you kidding? Over two thousand fights, and he's still on his original quarter.
+Okay? Who's next?
+Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
+No, me! No, Me!
+Listen -- can you teach me to fight like you do?
+I don't think so.
+Aw, come on.
+I'll tell you what, I'll do it if you bark like a dog.
+You little... Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
+You got yourself a deal, Fido.
+Well, looks like you're all out of quarters, old man.
+That's okay. With the tips you've given me, I'm going to pound the tar out of a certain little smarty pants tonight.
+Howie! I thought I told you to stop wasting your money in this stupid place.
+Uh-oh. Sorry, Mom.
+And you! A man of your age! You should be ashamed of yourself!
+Excuse me. I think I hear my wife calling.
+Now, Lisa, listen to me. This is important. I want you to smile today.
+But I don't feel like smiling.
+Well, it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you... and happiness will follow.
+Come on. You can do better than that.
+Ah, that's my girl.
+I feel more popular already.
+Hey, nice smile.
+Thanks.
+Hey! What are you talking to her for? She's just going to say something weird.
+Not me.
+You know, I used to think you were some sort of a brainiac, but... I guess you're okay.
+Uh-huh.
+Hey, why don't come over to my house after practice? You can do my homework.
+Five minutes, people. Five minutes. Now, Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's outburst of unbridled... creativity.
+No, sir.
+Wow, Mom.
+So that's where she gets it.
+Lisa, I apologize to you. I was wrong. I take it all back. Always be yourself. You want to be sad, honey, be sad. We'll ride it out with you. And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us.
+Okay, Mom.
+I said you could stop smiling, Lisa.
+I feel like smiling.
+I'm going to knock you out one more time and that's it. This is getting boring, man.
+Just try not to kill me too hard, son. Heh-heh-heh.
+Kid, tonight's not your night.
+All right, man. You asked for it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
+Oh! Oh! Block it.
+Wha' the...
+Uh-oh. You missed me.
+Ha ha! I got you. Don't try that. I got ya. I'll block you. And the crowd is on its feet as Hurricane Homer moves in for the kill.
+Boys, I'd like your attention, please.
+Quiet, Marge. This is my big moment.
+Bart-the-bloody-pulp Simpson is on the ropes. He's hoping I'll put him out of his misery. Well, you're in luck, Bart, here comes my right.
+Oh, noooo!
+My game! My game! I coulda beat the boy! Marge, how could you? I was so close.
+I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly, loud game.
+You're right, Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated, from the world of video boxing.
+Oh, calm down, Homer. Lisa has an idea that she thinks would be fun for the whole family.
+This next song was written by a friend of mine, one of the great little ladies of jazz.
+"I got this bratty brother / He bugs me every day / And this mornin' my own mother, gave my last cupcake away! / My Dad acts like he belongs... he belongs in the zoo."
+I'm the saddest kid in grade number two.
+Rusty old hunk of junk.
+Howdy, Bart. Hot enough for ya?
+Shut up, Flanders. Hey dad, how come we can't get a decent mower like the Flanders?
+Just be happy with what you got, son. Don't try to keep up with the Flanderses.
+How do you like my new wheels, Simpson?
+Wow, man! What an RV!
+Bart! I suppose it has..uh..various features?
+It's got everything! Microwave, dishwasher, big-screen TV, deep fryer, and... see up there on the roof?
+A satellite dish!
+Yes indeedilly-doodily.
+But how can you afford something like this, Ned? I get your mail once in a while... you make only twenty-seven dollars a week more than I do.
+Simple, Simpson. Credit.
+Oooh! Credit.
+Thank you God. Heh, heh. May I help you?
+We're just browsing, thank you.
+I'd like to see your finest RV. Do you have something that's better than the Land Behemoth?
+Yes, I do. That would be... the Ultimate Behemoth.
+Where is it?
+We're standing in its presence. Behold! Isn't she... Look at this thing...
+Can you believe it? Man built this. It's a vehicle.
+Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
+You can tell your son, it has its own satellite. The VanStar One launched last February, just for this thing. That's all.
+Oh man!
+I'm not sure that we can afford...
+Does it have a deep fryer?
+It has four of them. One for each part of the chicken.
+I don't think we can afford this, Homer.
+Let's worry about that later. C'mon let's take a tour. Want to? C'mon.
+Aye carumba!
+This is better than our house!
+Wait till Flanders gets a load of this.
+It all seems so expensive...
+Hey, how much is it?
+You're a man of convict... You just wanted to ask that and blurted it out. Didn't you?
+Yeah, how much is it?
+Well, first of all, I want you to know, I like your face.
+You do?
+Really. I really do. I'm not just saying that. I mean it. You've got color in there. You're not Roman are you?
+You look like a God, sort of. Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus? Hey your dad's just gonna come in here and work it out. Then you'll drive home in this.
+I'm not gonna quote you a price until I check your credit rating. Lemme. I want to make myself clear on this. This is a formality. If you're saying to me, Bob, is this guy good for it? I say, yes. I don't check this machine. But I don't own the place. Even though my name's up there. Long story. But that doesn't matter. I'm gonna have to run it through the computer.
+Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
+You ever known a siren to be good? Ha! No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind telling me, sell a vehicle to this fellow and you're out of business. That's what the siren says.
+It seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite. You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million.
+Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range? I don't want to go away empty-handed, Bob.
+Take it easy there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more... you.
+Well, what do you think?
+Used, isn't it?
+Mr. Simpson, you're never gonna own a better RV. And I don't mean that in a good way. I mean literally, buddy, this is it for you. You know, it's this or a wagon.
+How much do you want for it?
+This is for you? This is yours? The price I'm quoting you? You're not gonna hand it to someone else? 'Cause I'm gonna give you a price for you, not for someone else... someone else, I'm doubling this.
+I swear it Bob.
+This is you and me?
+In other words, two months from now I see this vehicle, your head's in that window?
+On my honor.
+Three-fifty a month.
+Oh, well, I don't know. Would it be alright if I conferred with my family?
+Mr. Simpson, if you have to go talk it over with those humans out there, then, there's something wrong with all of us. You look like a man who is able to make a decision or I wouldn't be wasting my... See that man right over there?
+He's buying this. Did you know that?
+Called me two minutes before you came in, said, 'Save the little one, I'm coming down'. Here he is. Now, do you want it or not?
+All right. All right! I'll take it.
+Best decision you're ever gonna make. You're gonna... This is gonna change your life.
+Hey Flanders! Look what I got!
+Oooh, She's a beaut. Hey, congratulations, Simpson. I'm sure you'll have loads of fun.
+Jealous. Everybody ready?
+I hate this. I don't want to go.
+that's the spirit. Ready or not, nature here we come!
+Turkey farm?
+Skunks?
+Slaughter house?
+What are you two doing back there?
+We're playing "What's that odor?".
+Dad's feet.
+You win, Bart.
+Are we there yet, dad?
+I'll tell you when we get there. Go back to your smell game.
+Homer, I'm telling you this is not the Interstate.
+Pfft. Maps.
+Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions?
+Don't worry. This is an all-terrain vehicle.
+My feet are getting wet!
+Ah, come on. We're going back to nature.
+Mom, I'm scared.
+We all are, dear. Your father says there's nothing to worry about.
+What do you think? Should we stop here?
+All righty.
+Well, here we are!
+Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!
+Okay, nobody move. Nobody panic. When I give the word, everyone ever so slowly open your door and slide out. On the count of three. One...
+The Simpsons have entered the forest.
+Well, heh heh, now we get a chance to be real pioneers.
+Yes sir! This is a real adventure. Why, I bet there are people who would trade everything they have in the world for an adventure like this.
+You mean like we just did?
+Will somebody help her?
+Look, Maggie! Birdies!
+Oh, Homer. What are we going to do?
+Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
+Five finger discount, man.
+Now don't worry. Our situation isn't as bad as it seems. And you're forgetting, I'm an experienced woodsman. Now you all stay here for a minute while I go over this way and try to get my bearings.
+What am I going to do? I've murdered us all.
+I've murdered us all... us all.. us all... us all.
+Shut up!
+Shut up... shut up... shut up.
+There! Finished.
+You are?
+Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter.
+Uh-huh. Okay, we'll be back with help before you know it. You girls just stay here and relax.
+Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
+That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.
+Should Maggie be going with them, Mom?
+Oh, I don't think they'll be gone long and she's in good hands, Lisa.
+There aren't any dangerous animals in this forest are there, Dad?
+Well, might be a few. But don't worry about it. If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone.
+It's a deal.
+And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't like it. Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of.
+A rattler!
+I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid, I'm not...
+Run, you fool!
+Through here, boy. Back to civilization.
+How do you know?
+When you're an experienced woodsman like me, you get a feel for these things. It becomes natural. Like a third sense.
+The boys certainly are taking a long time. I hope Maggie isn't slowing them up too much.
+Bart? Where are you, Bart?
+His lucky red hat! Oh dear God! No! Bart!
+Bart! Oh Bart! Bart, Bart! Oh, Bart, my beautiful son. Why couldn't you have taken me? Of all the fates of heaven and earth, why did this one befall me?
+Don't have a cow, Dad.
+What the--? You're alive!... and... buck nekkid.
+I'm not the only one, Homeboy.
+What? Oooh! Jungle Man!
+The first thing you learn about surviving in the woods, boy: Conceal your nakedness.
+Yeah, man.
+Okay, slap a fern on there, boy. Now, some mud. There. Ooh! That requires a little mollusk. And mollusk for me. All right. We're ready to hit the town.
+But dad, I'm so hungry. Can't we eat something first? I'm starving, man.
+Ah food. Good thinking, son.
+This young sapling ought to do the trick.
+What are we going to do, hang ourselves?
+No. This is a trap. It's going to catch us our dinner. Come on, boy.
+Shhhh! Just watch.
+Oooh, ahh. Ha! Got him!
+Okay, okay. This time I'll just go into those bushes over there, make a lot of noise and flush out a rabbit. When he comes out, you step on him.
+Right, Dad.
+Get 'em off me! Get 'em off! Aaah!
+Great camping trip, honey. We travel eight hundred miles and we haven't seen a squirrel yet.
+Well, the Ranger at the gate said we should watch out for bears.
+He's getting away. After him.
+Bears. Right. Right. Let me show you how many bears are around here. Um hello, bears. Um come on, have a donut... what the heck, have me? Come and get it?
+All right. all right. You made your point.
+I hope Maggie and the boys are all right.
+Oh, I'm sure they're just fine. After all, we built a fire and we don't know anything about nature. Imagine what your father, an experienced woodsman, has done.
+Yeah, I suppose so. Night Mom.
+Goodnight, dear.
+G-g-good night, D-dad.
+G-g-good night, s-son. S-sleep tight.
+Are we there yet?
+Are we ever going to be there?
+How would I know. Quit asking pointless... Bart look!
+Honey! Honey! We're saved!
+Uh Homer. Bees!
+How is it?
+Wah-neh! Wah-neh!
+Wah neh! Wah neh!
+Oh. Water. Thattaway, man.
+Pleehhh! Hnnnn! Plem! Feh!
+Ahhhhhhh!
+Femmmmm! Wah! Gnnn! Hrmmerhrr!
+Bigfoot. The legendary half-man half-ape is no longer a legend. He's very very real. What you are about to see is unedited video footage taken earlier today in the hills three miles southwest of Tenderfoot Gorge.
+Plemk heh feh.
+Now the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was most impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language, and most of all its indescribable stench.
+A popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of $5,000 to anyone who brings in the creature alive. Naturally, we'll have more on this story as soon as it develops. We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.
+It looks like you girls have been getting along all right, but it's a good thing we found you when we did. There's something horrible roaming these woods.
+There is?
+Why... that's my husband!
+His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer.
+What does it eat?
+I don't understand. What's this all about? Well, I suppose pork chops are his favorite.
+Hey, get those bears out of here. I'm trying to do an interview.
+No bears! We're taping! All bears off the set!
+Okay, now let's get back to your "husband". How would you describe your marital relations? Brutish?
+Is this going to be on TV?
+Coast to coast.
+Arewethereyet Arewethereyet Arewethereyet?
+Just a little farther... just a little further... just a little further. Food!
+Nice grizzles. Nice grizzles. Nice grizzles.
+What do we do, Dad?
+Praise the grizzles son.
+Nice grizzles.
+Maggie! Oh my little girl!
+Nice grizzly, nice grizzly.
+Later, grizzly dudes.
+Look. It's him! It's bigfoot!
+We got him! We got Bigfoot!
+You're lucky we got here in time to rescue you.
+What the hell are you talking about, sir?
+We've got to take him alive. Johnson, you got that tranquilizer gun ready?
+Dad! Oh Dad!
+Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.
+Last weeks capture of bigfoot has turned into the scientific poser of the century. Although the creature was ultimately released, the question remains. Who was this Homer? Was it man or was it, in fact, the legendary missing link known as Bigfoot?
+Can I have some apple sauce?
+Specialists from around the world have gathered at the Springfield Primate Institute for a firsthand examination of the controversial creature. They are now ready to announce their findings.
+Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is inconclusive. This... thing may or may not be human.
+Zat's vhat he thinks! I say it's none other than Bigfoot in the flesh.
+I disagree. I think eet eez a man. Ze eyes had a glimmer of human intelligence.
+The glimmer of the eyes. What about the sloping apelike forehead?
+Oh, Marge. The guys at work are going to have a field day with this.
+Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go.
+Gentlemen, gentlemen, fraulein, please. Zis much ve can agree upon: The specimen is either a below average human being or a brilliant beast.
+Ooh, those stupid eggheads.
+Oh, Homer... My brilliant beast.
+You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners, but I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them half... Oh, oh.
+Look, there it is! The head!
+Kill him!
+They've got us cornered, boy. We'll never get away. Give me the head.
+No, dad. This whole thing was my fault. You run along.
+Son, we're in this mess together. No matter how tempting it might be, I can't let my only boy get ripped limb from limb by a blood-thirsty mob.
+Aw, dad.
+We'll die together, like a father and son should.
+Look, now we've got 'em.
+Hey, it's Homer Simpson.
+And his kid, Bart.
+Murderous mob. I beg you to spare our lives. At least until you've heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town founder.
+How long will this story take?
+Ah... about twenty three minutes and five seconds.
+Well, all right, go ahead.
+Okay. It all started Sunday morning...
+Kids, we're late for church. Get your butts down here right now.
+Ready for inspection, Mom.
+Very nice, Maggie. And Lisa you look lovely. Bart, assume the position.
+Oh, Bart. Now where's your father?
+Get him!
+Phillips has broken free. He's at the 45, 50, the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10.
+Touchdown.
+A 64 yard run. We've got an upset in the making!
+No we don't. Try being objective for once in your... oooh!
+Let's go, Homer.
+But you don't understand, Marge. I have fifty bucks riding on this game.
+Don't forget, big double header action this Sunday, beginning at 12:30 eastern. Spend the whole day with us.
+Oh Homer, you promised me...
+This isn't gambling, Marge. It's a lead pipe cinch.
+They're kicking off. Wolodarsky takes it to the five and -- Oh my! He fumbles.
+It's recovered in the end zone. Another touchdown!
+This is going to send the whole standings topsy turvy.
+Why should I feel like a traffic cop every Sunday morning when I'm just trying to get a little goodness into the family.
+Where is it. The game... where is it?
+All right Kogen's got Wolodarsky open in the end zone. He throws it.
+Catch it! catch it!
+It's complete. Touchdown!
+All right!
+Oh Doctor, we got a barn burner here.
+This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose from the dead.
+Lazar who?
+C'mon everybody, we're late. Bart, I want you to promise me you'll pay attention in Sunday school. Bart? Bart? BART!!
+Whoa! Are you talking to me?
+What's this? A personal stereo? Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday school?
+Can you believe this, Homer? ... Homer? ... Homer?
+Oh no, no. We stink, we stink!
+Homer! Were you planning on sitting in the car till the game was over?
+It's because of your irreverent attitude that Bart thinks he can sneak headphones into Sunday school.
+Now, move it!
+Now, here's the kick-off. Wolodarsky takes it to the five -- Oh, my! He fumbles.
+Will my dog, Pepper, be there?
+I'm sorry but the answer is no.
+Why not?
+Because heaven is for people.
+What about my cat, Snowball?
+I'm sorry but the answer is no.
+Will there be cavemen in heaven?
+Certainly not.
+Uh ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated; will it be waiting for you in heaven?
+For the last time Bart, yes!
+And now I'd like to begin today's sermon which I have entitled, "Gambling, the 8th Deadly Sin." Today is Sunday, the Lord's day and yet, at this very moment, millions of Americans are not in the Lord's house. They're in their own house worshipping a false idol, professional football. Oh Lord...
+It's a beautiful Sunday. Perfect football weather for this incredible game. And by the way, this game is being brought to you by the good people at Duff Beer. You can't get enough of that wonderful Duff.
+Now, they're lining up for this crucial kick. One final tick of the clock remains. If they win, it will cap an amazing comeback. But it's a 49 yard field goal into the wind.
+Make it, make it, make it, make it.
+The kick is up. It's got the distance. Holy toledo, it's good!
+Oh please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
+It's good! It's good! It's good!
+It's good to see you all in church.
+Please be seated, Homer.
+Yeah. Sit down, Homer.
+The ventriloquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't.
+Oh, oh, oh, me.
+What about a robot with a human brain?
+I don't know. All these questions... Is a little blind faith too much to ask?
+Don't forget next week... remember to read...
+That was very nice father.
+Hey, guys, where'd you get all that great stuff?
+I was pleased you enjoyed it. I seem to have struck a cord with you today, Homer.
+What? Oh yeah. You were great.
+Homer, you embarrassed us in front of the whole congregation, and today's sermon was one you should have really listened to.
+What was it about?
+Gambling.
+Oh! He didn't by any chance say that under certain circumstances it was all right, did he?
+No! Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore in front of the kids. Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday school today?
+The answers to deep theological questions..
+Yeah. Among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
+What! Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
+Our teacher.
+I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us -- who roller skate and smoke cigars?
+Ah, cool, man. Space Mutants 4. Drop me off! Drop me off!
+No way, Jose.
+Marge. They're only space mutants.
+Um mmm. I know what those movies are like. Killing innocent people, eating human flesh. You just get a lot of bad ideas.
+Hey, Dad. Can I have five bucks?
+I hope you're not planning to see a certain movie starring certain space mutants that a certain mother didn't want you to see?
+Perish the thought.
+Here you go, son. Share the wealth, that's what I always say.
+Da da da da da da de de de Whoa! Ugh, Cowabunga!
+Hey, hot dog!
+Nice dismount, man.
+It didn't hurt.
+Oh yeah? Well, do it again.
+Nah. I might land on my face and end up lookin' like you.
+You little punk.
+Hey man, leave the kid alone. I like him.
+You do?
+Yeah! You're witty. So what's your name, man?
+I'm Bart Simpson.
+This here's KEARNEY and I'm Jimbo.
+You don't need an introduction. You're the worst kid in school.
+Thanks.
+Psst. Coast is clear.
+You guys are sneakin' in?
+Yeah. Only saps pay to see movies.
+Hey Bart, come on.
+But sneaking into a movie is practically stealing man.
+Practically?
+It is stealing.
+Well, okay. I just wanted to make sure we weren't deluding ourselves.
+Wait, I think I hear something.
+Come on, loosen up, baby. There's nobody here but you and me.
+No. Stop it, I think I hear something... not human.
+Let's get romantic.
+Well, okay.
+You little sneaks. You're comin' with me.
+Next time you little hoodlums try this, I'm calling your parents.
+Oh yeah? Well, we don't want to see your crummy movie, anyway.
+Yeah! We'll take our business elsewhere.
+You know, Bart, I've been kicked out of all four space mutants movies.
+Wow, man!
+Three jumbo cherry Squishees and one double jumbo original flavor, sir.
+Okay. But, don't you kids take anything. I'm watching you. I've got eyes in the back of my head.
+Four fifty-two.
+Don't worry, guys. It's on me. Share the wealth, that's what I always say.
+Guys? Guys!
+You ripped it off?
+Yeah! Thanks for coverin' for us, man.
+Ugh! Go on, Bart.
+But that guy founded Springfield. He built our first hospital out of logs and mud. If it weren't for him all the settlers would have died in the great blizzard of forty eight.
+So... watch me hit him right between the eyes.
+Hey. What are you doing there? Show a little respect, you insolent little thugs.
+We're really scared.
+Hey, hey, you! Hey! Hey you!
+You know, when you look up at clouds in the sky they start lookin' like stuff.
+No, they don't.
+Yeah, they do. Like that one over there looks just like a cherry bomb.
+Hey, you're right. And look at that one. It looks like a guy with a switchblade stuck in his back.
+Yeah! That one looks like a school bus going over a cliff in flames with kids inside screaming.
+That one looks like the statue of our town founder, Jebediah Springfield.
+Does not.
+Does too. I mean without the head, of course.
+Oh, yeah.
+I wish someone really would cut his ugly old head off.
+You do?
+Yeah. That'd be cool.
+Sure would cheese everybody off.
+But guys, come on. Don't you remember history class? Jebediah once killed a bear with his bare hands.
+Oh. Sorry.
+We forgot how much you love Jebediah Springfield.
+Yeah. He's your boyfriend.
+C'mon guys, knock it off!
+Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool.
+Beat it, Simpson. I thought you were cool.
+Go ahead, Bart. Tell them. It's the head of Jebediah Springfield.
+Wow! Look at these bowling balls, Maggie. Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard won fifty bucks?
+Now I've seen everything. Black marbleized with a liquid center. The "Stealth Bowler" -- the pins don't know what hit 'em.
+Dad, can I talk to you about something?
+Sure, boy. What's on your mind?
+Well... I was wondering... how important is it to be popular?
+I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
+So like sometimes you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
+You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
+Are you?
+Then run along you little scamp. A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
+What have I done?
+Bart, are you all right?
+Oh yeah. Top of the world, Ma.
+Well then come down for breakfast.
+Oooh. Look at this one. "The Hammer of Thor. It will send your pins to Valhalla." Lisa?
+Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
+Ooooh, that's some ball.
+G-o-o-o-d morning, everybody.
+We interrupt Mambo in the Morning to bring you this special news bulletin. The statue of Jebediah Springfield, our illustrious town founder, was brutally decapitated last night in an act of senseless vandalism. We now go to Police Chief Wiggum at City Hall.
+I gotta go.
+I think she likes my present better.
+Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects and no leads. If anyone has any information please dial "oh" and ask for the police. That number again, "oh."
+Stay tuned to this station for further developments as they break.
+It's just a statue.
+It's a statue of the trailblazing founder of our town.
+It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it.
+Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Piza just a statue?
+Uh-oh. School bus.
+C'mon Lis. School bus.
+Go on, Lisa. We've all got to be brave just like Jebediah when he killed that bear.
+It's so awful.
+Okay, come on, come on everybody. We've got to get on with our lives. Let's try and put this tragedy behind us.
+You're right, Moe. A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it.
+I've said it before and I'll say it again: Hell in a handbasket. I hope they find the punk who did this and I hope they cut his head off.
+Hi guys. What's up?
+We were just saying we'd love to meet the guy who cut off the head of that statue.
+Yeah, we wish he were here right now.
+Oh, really?
+Yeah, we'd break every bone in his stupid little body.
+Yeah, that's right, man. Limb by limb.
+Yeah, man.
+What? But, but yesterday didn't you say it would be cool to cut off the head and really cheese everybody off?
+That was just cloud talk, man.
+Yeah! I mean throwin' rocks is one thing, but I would never cut the head off of a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands? So what's in the bag, Bart?
+My head.
+I said, what's in the bag, Bart?
+Look what you've done. You want to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town.
+You're not really talking to me. You're just my overactive imagination.
+Oh, I am, am I?
+Shut up... I wanted them to like me.
+Ummm, the child seems rattled.
+Can you blame him?
+No, no I can't.
+There, there, Mr. Burns. Blow, sir.
+Hey Bart, where you going?
+To my room.
+Why don't you watch "Krusty The Clown"?
+There is someone out there, in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity. If you know who cut off Jebediah's head, I don't care if it's your brother, your sister, your daddy, or your mommy turn them in... and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's.
+Wait a minute. I hope you're not planning to do what I think you're doing.
+Sorry, man. It's either you or me.
+You know, Bart, you don't have to found a town to be a hero. Sometimes a hero can be a young boy with the courage to stand up and admit he's made a mistake.
+Yeah, well I'm running a little short on courage right now.
+Anyway, think about. Will you, son?
+Jebediah Obediah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield came West in 1838.
+Along the way he met a ferocious bear and killed him with his bare that's b-a-r-e hands. Although modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably killed him. But whether bear killed man, or man killed bear, a burgeoning town, Springfield, was born.
+Mom, Dad.
+I knew it all along.
+Why, Bart, why?
+Yeah? Why you little...
+Um-hm. It's an accident waiting to happen.
+'Cause I wanted some really bad kids to like me. Somehow I got the idea that being popular was the most important thing in the world.
+Where did you get a ridiculous idea like that?
+Lay off the boy, Marge. He's a good kid. Quit givin' him the third degree.
+Homer, did you have something to do with this?
+Well, maybe I am a little responsible.
+A little?
+C'mon, son. Let's take the head thing back to the authorities.
+You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners, but I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them half... Oh, oh.
+Look, there it is! The head!
+Kill him!
+We know this part.
+Oh yeah, right...
+Well, that's my story. And if you still want to tear apart this young Sunday school student as he stands on the brink of salvation, I await your wrath.
+Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore.
+Neither do I.
+Forgive me, sir.
+No problem, Bart.
+Look. It's glorious
+It's beautiful, man.
+I love you, Smithers.
+The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
+Good going, son. But remember, most lynch mobs aren't this nice.
+Whoops! Whoops! Oh, whoops... whoops!
+This is gonna be the best birthday breakfast Mom ever had.
+Hey Lis, you think that's enough for her?
+Maybe one more.
+I hope she likes the presents we got her.
+Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver?
+Well, I know she'll like mine. Who wouldn't like a bottle of real French perfume?
+All the way from Gay Paree. Four bucks, plus tax.
+Well, I think she's gonna like my hand-made birthday card better.
+Whoa, big deal... dry macaroni... spray paint and glue. Whoopee!
+Dibs! First dibs, I get to lick the beaters.
+Hep! Hep! Lisa! My ungue is stuck in the eater. Hep-hep!
+Happy birthday!
+Huh? Whuh?
+Here's your birthday breakfast!
+Well, isn't this nice?
+My birthday?
+It's my birthday? What did I get? I love birthdays.
+No, Homer. It's mine.
+You don't even know your own wife's birthday?
+Of course I know! Sure! You really thought I forgot, didn't you?
+Oh, right. What'd you get her, Dad?
+Yeah, what'd you get?
+Huh... a very thoughtful gift. But it's a surprise. You know, it's such a beautiful morning, I think I'll take a little stroll around the block.
+I think he forgot, Mom.
+Umm-hmm.
+Oh, no. Come on, come on! Open up!
+Good morning, consumers. The Springfield Mall is now open for your spending needs.
+Ah... no.
+Too salty...
+Ummm, nah...
+Hmmm. Nah, too corny...
+Too exciting.
+Patty, he's out buying me something right now.
+Oh, Marge. He never gets you anything you want. He always gets something for himself.
+Like the tackle box.
+Remember when he got you the tackle box?
+And Connie Chung.
+And when he "surprised" you with the Connie Chung calendar?
+I'm sure he doesn't do it deliberately.
+Well, Homer and I had a lovely dining experience at Chez Pierre... or the Rusty Barnacle is nice...
+No, no, no. We want to take you someplace fun. The Singing Sirloin.
+The place where the waiters sing.
+Umm-hmm.
+Be right there.
+Homer, we're having dinner tonight at the Singing Sirloin.
+Ah, sounds delightful. Just you and me and the balladeers.
+And the kids.
+Fair enough.
+...And my sisters.
+"HOW WE DANCED, ON THE NIGHT WE WERE WED..."
+HAVING MY BABY / WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU...
+"NEARER MY GOD TO THEE, NEARER TO THEE..."
+Oh, perfume.
+Whoa... hmmm. Thank you, Bart.
+You're welcome, Mom.
+Thirty-four years old.
+Time enough to start over with a new man.
+Someone who eats with his mouth shut.
+What's that, Patty?
+Nothing. Finish your steak. Look at him wolf down that gristle.
+Does not.
+Does, too.
+Does not.
+Then how comes she's not putting on any of your perfume?
+Yeah. Hey, Mom. How come you're not putting on any of my perfume?
+Uh... I-I'm saving it... for a special occasion.
+What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it.
+But this occasion is already so special if we made it any more special, we might end up making it less special.
+Gotcha. I told you she liked mine better.
+Oh, brother.
+Hold on! Hold on now! Your mother hasn't opened my present yet.
+HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! / HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! / HAPPY THIRTY-FOURTH BIRTHDAY, MRS. HOMER SIMPSON... / HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOO!
+Whoop! Don't worry, this frosting'll come right off. Beauty, isn't she?
+Well, it's hard for me to judge since I've never bowled in my life.
+Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.
+You always say we should talk. I'm talking right now, as a matter of fact. But I'm going to stop in a second. So, please say something back, Marge, please. I'm gonna stop talking... now.
+You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me.
+What? No...
+The holes were drilled for your fingers.
+I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store, could I?
+You never intended for me to use that ball.
+Well, if that's how you feel, I'll take it back.
+You can't take it back. You had your name engraved on it.
+So you'd know it's from me!
+Homer, I'm keeping the ball. For myself.
+Hmmm. I'll just use my ball.
+What? But you don't know how to bowl!... whoops.
+I'm keeping it and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present, Homer.
+Well... you're welcome.
+Excuse me... where do I throw this?
+Over there.
+Thank you.
+Hey, wait, wait a minute. You're gonna need a lane.
+No, thanks. I'm just here out of spite.
+Can't bowl without a lane.
+Hm. Well... all right.
+Okay, here you go. You keep score on this. What size shoes you wear?
+Never you mind.
+Can't wear street shoes on the lanes. You gotta wear bowling shoes. What size, please?
+Thirteen. Double A.
+Thirteen double A.
+This is the closest I've got.
+A nine and a fifteen.
+Thank you.
+A little warm and moist.
+So -- one hundred and twenty pins later, I am the better man.
+I don't see what he's doing that's so different from what I'm doing.
+I'm awfully sorry.
+Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you... ... Homer.
+Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.
+Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They are far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball.
+No... no, thank you, Mr... uh... ... Brunswick.
+Call me Jacques.
+Jacques.
+As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things such as this "Homer" of yours.
+May I ask you a bold question?
+You've never bowled before?
+Then I will teach you.
+Oh, I don't want to trouble you.
+Not at all. I am a professional. Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form.
+All right. But I'm not very good.
+I can hit that one pin all right. But the rest of them don't even wobble.
+I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up.
+Now, throw!
+Throw, damn you!
+You're a very good teacher!
+Yes, I am a very good teacher and I can teach you everything. I can tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean. Which frame is the beer frame. I bet you don't know how to make a five-seven-ten split, do you, Marge?
+But first of all, you yell.. the eight pin is a cop.
+Let it out, Marge. Laugh loud. Laugh out loud. You'll lose weight.
+Oh, that's very funny.
+Feels good.
+Oh, dear, I didn't realize there was so much to this game. What do you charge for lessons?
+Twenty-five dollars.
+Twenty-five dollars!
+It's a forty-dollar value.
+Oh. Well... all right. When do we start?
+We have already begun.
+Now this is living, eh, kids? Hot pizza... the food of kings.
+I love you, Dad.
+Don't be scared, Dad. It's not so hard taking care of us.
+Lisa, I'm not scared. I think it's a great chance to spend some time with you kids. Your mother always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn. Does the time always drag like this?
+First you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness. Feel the satiny finish. Caress it. Experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?
+Hm, very smooth.
+Smooth?
+Yes, very.
+Smooth.
+Smooth?
+Yes. You could eat off of it.
+You hungry?
+Four onion rings!
+Mm! Delicioso!
+My compliments to the delivery boy.
+Okay. We've eaten, and eaten well. Now, what else do we have to do? Well, let's check the list your mom left us.
+Eat, mm-hm.
+Ooh. Clean up. Now don't worry, everybody, this'll be a breeze if we all pitch in.
+All right, we're clean. Now we'll... put Maggie to bed.
+"LULLABY AND GOOD NIGHT / GO TO BED AND SLEEP TIGHT / CLOSE YOUR EYES, START TO YAWN / PLEASANT DREAMS UNTIL THE DAWN."
+Homer... Homer.
+Ahhh... ahhh... Oh, how was bowling?
+It's a very challenging hobby.
+Sport, dear, it's a sport, you silly thing.
+Umm-hmm. But I think I'll do much better tomorrow night.
+Oh? You're going back?
+Well, sure, if you don't mind taking care of the kids again?
+Uh, no, I don't mind.
+Good night, Homer.
+'Night.
+It is for you.
+Oh, Jacques! It fits. You got it in my size and it has my name on it. It's really for me.
+Seventeen fifty. Enjoy it my darling.
+Here we are.
+You didn't have to drop me off.
+But I wanted to. Marge... Do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight?
+Oh, Jacques, I'm a married woman.
+I know, I know. My mind says stop, but my heart and my hips cry proceed.
+Marge, darling, I-I want to see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowl-A-Rama. Away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for brunch.
+What's brunch?
+You'd love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.
+I don't think so.
+Marge, darling, there are ten pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight. Won't you please pick up that spare?
+Oh! Oh! Well, all right.
+What, Homer?
+Nothing.
+Uh-oh. School bus.
+Here you go, kids. Special lunches. Lots of good things for growing bodies and some treats just for fun.
+Whoa. Aye carumba!
+Are you going bowling again tonight, Mom?
+Hm, yes, I am, as a matter of fact. Here's more treats. But don't worry, your dad will take care of dinner.
+Mmm. Wednesday -- hoagie night.
+Goodbye, Lisa. My darling little Lisa.
+Goodbye, Bart. My special little guy.
+Mmmm. Great lunches, eh, Lis?
+Oh, Bart, don't you see? This is what psychologists call over-compensation. Mom is racked with guilt because her marriage is failing.
+Hey, don't rock the boat, man. Whatever it is, we're making out like bandits.
+Bart, I read about what happens to kids whose parents no longer love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages. Right now, I'm in Stage Three, fear. You're in Stage Two, denial.
+No, I'm not.
+Yes, you are.
+No, I'm not.
+Yes, you are.
+Am not, am not, am not!
+I stand corrected.
+Mimosa?
+I'm a married woman. Please don't call me that.
+No, no, no, no, no. Mimosa is the name of the drink. It's orange juice and champagne. You're so wonderful that you thought it was something offensive.
+Oh. Well, thank you.
+Marge! Marge Simpson! You remember me, don't you? I'm Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the minister.
+Oh... yes, hello, Helen.
+Well, I had just finished eating and was about to leave when I looked over this way and said to myself, "Why, isn't that Marge Simpson over there? Having brunch with a man who isn't her husband?" And I just had to come over and say hello.
+We're... uh...
+Oh, don't squirm on my account.
+I am giving her a bowling lesson, thank you.
+Now, Marge. Uh, the pins on the three-seven-ten split would be here. We'll make this little piece of food the ball. The ball's bigger, you know that...
+Hmm-hmm.
+But for food, this is a good ball.
+Well, 'bye-bye. See you in church on Sunday, Marge.
+Goodbye, Helen.
+Goodbye, Helen.
+I love you, son.
+You have a lovely friend, there. Let's hope something runs over her.
+Your laughter is like music to me. But if you laugh at what I say next I will die, for I am about to say something very serious... perhaps shocking. Marge, my darling, I want you to meet with me again.
+That doesn't shock me.
+Away from prying eyes. Away from the Helens of the world. At my apartment, the Fiesta Terrace.
+I've been waiting for you. Come in, my captivating one.
+May I have this dance?
+You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.
+I like you so much. They're not for bowling. You are so naive. They're for lovemaking.
+Really!?
+Yes... Champagne?
+Please.
+There, my darling.
+Thank you.
+What cosmic force brought us together, Marge?
+Destiny?
+Yes... Some divine pin-spotter must have placed us side by side.
+Like two fragile bowling pins...
+Standing bravely...
+Until inevitably...
+We must topple.
+Marge, speak to me.
+Is Thursday okay?
+It's okay indeed.
+For Marge?
+Hey, Dad. What do you say we toss the ol' apple around, huh? Sound like fun?
+Son, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball.
+Aw, come on, Dad. Get the lead out.
+Simpson checks the runner on first. He's cool. He's fine. Here's the windup and... here's the pitch.
+Dad, you didn't even say ouch.
+Oh, sorry... ouch!
+Lisa, Lisa! I think you're right about Dad. Something's very, very wrong here.
+Frightened, Bart? Welcome to Stage Three: Fear.
+Well, come on. We gotta do something, man.
+Sorry, Bart. I'd love to help you but I'm mired in Stage Five, self-pity.
+Look, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice that might help.
+I gave you advice? Get outta here.
+Yeah. You did! You told me when something's bothering you, and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way you won't make things worse.
+Hmm. Good advice.
+Marge, may I speak to you?
+You know, I've been thinking... Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and a guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You've just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I just never mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. ...Goodbye, my wife.
+Goodbye, Homer.
+To the most beautiful moment in life... better than the deed, better than the memory... the moment of anticipation.
+Oh, Jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you. You are really going to strike out tonight.
+Ain't you hungry, Homer?
+Starving.
+Then why aren't you eating your sandwich?
+How can I eat it? She made it. It's all I have left.
+Domestic situation.
+What a lovely surprise! You're here to see me, right?
+Of course.
+Hey! Way to go, Homer. Way to go.
+Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
+Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes.
+So how was the office birthday party?
+Oh, it was delightful. The frosting on the cake was this thick. And Eugene Fisk, my poor sucker of an assistant, didn't know the fruit punch was spiked. And he really made an ass of himself putting the moves on the new girl in Valve Maintenance.
+Does this girl like him?
+Pffft. I have to warn you, Marge -- I think the poor young thing has the hots for yours truly.
+Just keepin' you on your toes, babe.
+Two-hundred and thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good things so tasty? From now on, exercise every morning.
+You are not a blimp, Homer. You're my big cuddly teddy bear.
+Ah, baloney.
+Yeah, right.
+Oh, gimme a break.
+Wow! Cool, man!
+Oh no! Two-hundred and thirty-nine pounds. I'm a whale. Why was I was cursed with this weakness for snack treats? Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer.
+Don't strain yourself, dear.
+Good idea, Marge. By the way, this Friday night I'm gonna be attending a little get-together with the boys at work. Eugene Fisk is marrying some girl in Valve Maintenance.
+Homer, is this some kind of stag party?
+No, no, Marge. It's gonna be very classy, a tea-and-crumpets kind of thing.
+Eugene Fisk? Isn't he your assistant?
+No, my supervisor.
+Didn't he used to be your assistant?
+Hey, what is this? The Spanish Exposition?
+Sorry, Homer.
+Uh oh, it's the fe-mail man.
+Female carrier, Bart.
+Lady, where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera? Where is my spy camera, lady? Where is my spy camera? Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera?
+Where's my spy camera? Every day for the last six months. Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera? Here's your stupid spy camera!
+Oh, thanks, man. Whoa, look at the size of this thing. I wonder if it really works.
+...'cause I got a lotta spyin' to do.
+Bart! What are you doing?
+Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret.
+Go take some wildlife pictures or something.
+Ewww, gross.
+Mom, Bart was taking a picture of his butt.
+Oh sure. Like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt.
+Stop it, you two, and put on some nice clothes. Since it's just the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle.
+Yay! Fried shrimp!
+Aw, Mom. Can't we just grab a burger and... Only four of us? Who escaped?
+Your father. He's having a boys' night out.
+And just as I was asking myself, "Where did my seven-year-old boy get the money for a Father's Day present?", I opened the box, and inside was little Eugene's baseball glove. He had given me the one thing that mattered most to him in the whole world. And Eugene, when I see you, the one thing that matters most to me in the whole world, married tomorrow, I'm going to know just how you felt that day.
+Where am I... the Planet Cornball?
+Hey don't worry. Things are gonna pick up once the... entertainment gets here.
+Oooh... entertainment.
+Yessir.
+Ahoy, I spy the children's menu!
+Ahoy, this place bites.
+So, what's it gonna be, me little bucko?
+Hmmmm... let's see. This evening I shall go for the squid platter.
+Ewwwww!
+Extra tentacles, please.
+Oh, Bart. Excuse me, sir. The party next door seems to be a little raucous. Could you please ask them to quiet down a little bit, please?
+Aye aye.
+"Open the door, and lie on the floor," said Barnacle Bill the sailor! "Open the door and lie on the floor," said Barnacle Bill the Sailor!
+Hey, try and keep it down guys, okay?
+Hey, shut up!
+"Open the door, and lie on the floor," said Barnacle Bill the sailor!
+Here you go... There you are. ... for the baby... and one squid platter, extra tentacles.
+Bart! Quit fooling around and eat your dinner.
+Yeah. Eat it, Bart.
+May I please be excused for a minute?
+Okay, but don't dawdle. Your food will get cold.
+Okay, Eugene. One last taste of bachelor freedom.
+Presenting Princess Kashmir, Queen of the Mysterious East!
+Now this is what I call a party.
+How do I tell you this, my boy? We're in hell.
+Ooh, look at him squirm.
+Care to dance?
+She wants you!
+Go for it, Homer!
+I'm sorry, I don't usually laugh like this.
+Aye carumba!
+Wow, man.
+Oh, this is the most fun I've had in my whole life.
+The meeting of the Future Photographers of America is now in session.
+We would like to welcome our new member, Bart Simpson.
+Oh, people, people. Don't applaud. Let's get to work.
+My goodness! Quite exciting.
+Extremely sensual.
+The subtle gray tones recall the work of Helmut Newton.
+Who's the sexy lady, Bart?
+Beats me, but the guy dancing with her is my Pop.
+He brings to mind the later work of Diane Arbus.
+Bart, I'd really appreciate a print of your masterwork.
+Sorry guys. No can do.
+Come on, Bart. You're gonna make me a print, aren't you?
+Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this photo?
+Cross your heart and hope to die?
+Stick a needle in your eye?
+Jam a dagger in your thigh?
+Eat a horse manure pie?
+Well, okay.
+Psst. Look what I got.
+Woo! I got to have a copy of that.
+Aw, come on.
+Well, okay.
+Hey, Bart, how come Milhouse gets a copy of your girlie picture and I don't? I thought I was your friend, too.
+Well, okay.
+Son, why are you wasting your time with this sleazy trash?
+Sorry, Dad.
+Wait 'till I show the guys at work this little doozy.
+Mike? This is Al. Just wanted to thank you for the "informative memo" you faxed me. Whoops, here comes the boss. Gotta go. .
+Reverend Lovejoy, your wife confiscated this from one of the boys in the choir.
+Why, this sheep has strayed from my own flock. His name's...
+Homer Simpson, sir. A low-level employee in sector 7-G.
+Simpson, eh? A family man?
+Wife and three kids, sir.
+I'd like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning, Smithers.
+What are we laughing at?
+One glazed and one scratch-and-win, please.
+You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?
+Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.
+Oooh, Liberty bell! Another liberty bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty bell! Please, please, please please, please please. That purple fruit thing! Where were you yesterday?
+Hey, hey! Lookin' good!
+What are you on, pal?
+Hey, mister! Doo doo doo doo doo, doo dee doo dee doo dee doo...
+Well, a doo dee doo doo to you, too, pint size!
+Man, you get a lot of nutcases in here.
+Well sir, I've seen things you can't imagine.
+Hey hey hey!
+I hear ya, buddy! Whew! Full moon!
+Hmmm... still got it!
+What is the meaning of this?
+I-it's meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir.
+Princess who?
+Hey, my photo!
+Your photo?
+Why you little --
+Why you big...
+Bart, go to your room!
+I'm outta here.
+Look Marge... honey... baby doll... I...
+Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.
+What are you saying, Honey?
+But where will I sleep?
+My suggestion is for you to sleep in the filth you created.
+Would a motel be okay?
+Aw, I knew you'd come to your...
+Here, if you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will.
+What's the matter, Homer? Hottest Ladies Night in months and you're not even checking out the action.
+Oh, Moe. My wife gave me the old heave-ho because of some lousy picture.
+This one?
+So where you staying tonight, Homer?
+Motel, I guess.
+Oh, no. No pal of mine is gonna stay in some dingy flophouse.
+If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's an open beer in the fridge.
+Look, Barney. See the row of tiny lights up there? The middle one is my house. Someone must have left the porch light on.
+Hey, that's rough, pal.
+Hello, Marge, you left your damn porch light on.
+Barney!
+Homer's not made of money, you know.
+Who is this?
+Don't listen to him, Marge, he's...
+Homer, yo-you're overwrought. Why don't you unwind a little bit? Party down the hall. You know this apartment complex caters to upscale young singles like me.
+No, Barn. I just want to crawl into bed.
+Suit yourself, Homer. Nighty-night.
+I wonder when Dad's coming home?
+Homer Simpson! Homer Simpson! Report at once to Mr. Burns' office.
+What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?
+What do you mean, sir?
+I mean this!
+A plant employee carrying on like an oversexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear-power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over 50 percent of our power is used by women. I will not have you offending my customers with your bawdy shenanigans!
+It won't happen again, sir. I promise. May I get out of your sight now?
+Just a second, Simpson! Smithers, would you leave the room for a minute?
+Yes, sir.
+Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women, a certain... how shall I put it? Animal magnetisme. Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret.
+Uh... Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no lover-boy.
+Simpson, I'm asking you nicely.
+I don't really know, sir.
+Simpson!
+Well... Uh... Wine 'em, dine 'em, bring 'em flowers, write 'em love poetry, sir.
+Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this, Simpson. Now return to your work, and tell no one of what transpired here.
+Anybody home?
+Hi, Daddy.
+Welcome back, Dad.
+How's your Mom?
+Still kinda ticked off.
+Yeah, good luck, man.
+Oh, thanks, boy.
+Hello, Marge. It's me. Homer.
+Are you still mad?... You are still mad. No need to say it. I'm your loving husband. I can read you like a book. I'll just have some milk.
+Look, I'm not drinking out of the carton. Come on, Marge. Please forgive me? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
+Homer! You don't even know why you're apologizing.
+Yes I do. Because I'm hungry... my clothes are smelly... and I'm tired.
+I've been thinking, Homer, and you know what bothers me the most about this whole thing? You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolizes you.
+Oh, he does not!
+Yes he does, Homer. And when he sees you treating women as objects, he's going to think that it's okay. You owe your son better than that, Homer.
+So what should I do, Marge?
+Well, I think you should take Bart to meet this exotic belly-person. I want him to see that she's a real human being with real thoughts and real feelings. I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you treated her.
+Okay. Your wish is my command, my little...
+Princess Kashmir? You must mean April Flowers. She's working over at the Girlesque.
+You see, I'm trying to teach my son here about treating woman as objects.
+Froggie, I'm home.
+That's a good idea. But April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight.
+Just let me say that it is an honor to have Springfield's number-one swinger with us to--
+Forget that. I'm teaching my boy a lesson. Is she here or not?
+Nahhh. Try the Club Mud.
+Marge. Marge. We're gonna try one more place. The Sapphire Lounge. Bart! I said look at the floor!
+There she is! Hey, Princess! It's me, the guy from the snap shot!
+Oh. Oh, hi.
+Places, ladies! Take your places! Can I get just a little cooperation. It's showtime!
+Look, I'm here because I want to apologize for treating you like an object.
+Uh-huh.
+I also want my boy to find out that you're more than just a belly. I want him to meet the woman behind all the spangles and glitter and find out that she has thoughts and feelings, too.
+Oh, okay, but can we make it quick?
+Nice to meet you, ma'am.
+Could you tell him a little about yourself?
+Well, um... my real name's Shawna Tifton, my pet peeve is rude people. And my turn ons include silk sheets and a warm fire place.
+Thank you very much ma'am. We'll be out of your...
+I'VE HEARD IT SAID SO OFTEN/ THEY COULDN'T LOVE THEIR WIVES/ OH BUT I THINK THAT'S JUST FOOLISH/ MEN MUST HAVE HEARTS MADE OF STONE...
+Cool, man.
+Get out of my cage! My boss will freak out.
+OH, I COULD LOVE A MILLION GIRLS/ EVERY GIRL IN BETWEEN/ YEAH, I COULD LOVE A CHINESE GIRL AN ESKIMO OR FIN...
+Ahhhhhh!
+Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ohh!
+Get off my stage fatboy.
+Hey, it's the guy from the picture.
+Homer Simpson!
+Sorry partner, I didn't recognize you at first. Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor to have a real swinging cat with us tonight. Homer Simpson, party guy.
+Mister Mistro... OH, I COULD LOVE A MILLION GIRLS/ EVERY GIRL IN BETWEEN/ YEAH, I COULD LOVE A CHINESE GIRL AN ESKIMO OR FIN/ I COULD DIG A DEUCHLAND CHICK A GIRL WITH GOLDEN CURL/ IN FACT I THINK THAT WE COULD LOVE...
+ABOUT A MILLION GIRLS.
+Hep... heyyy... whoooo... look out... yeah... Da da da da da.
+How does he do it, Smithers?
+He's a love machine, sir.
+Way to go dad!
+Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stop the music... Quiet please... I have something to say. Quiet!
+You, with the hair. Down in front!
+Oh, he's sunk even lower!
+Quiet! I have something to say to all the sons out there; to all the boys; to all the men; to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No, they are our wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews -- well, not our nephews -- they are our mothers. And you know something, folks? As ridiculous as it sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string. Am I wrong, or am I right?
+My wife gets the cutest little thing right here when she smiles.
+That's my Suzie.
+She's so cute. Here's mine.
+You know, my Mom sounded a little down the other day. I better give her a call.
+All right, folks show's over. No more to see, folks. Only sick people want to see my folks kiss.
+Hi, little fella. Got some nice juicy flies for ya.
+Jeez, Louise. Look at this mess.
+I told that boy a billion times to pick up his jun--
+I like to play with you. I like to play with you. I like to play with you.
+My back! There goes my back again!
+Go get help, boy.
+Oh, Maggie. My poor back.
+I like to play with you... I like to play with you... I like to play wit... youuu... I lik... to... pl... wi... youuu.
+Homer! What happened?
+The boy. Bring me the boy.
+Bart, if you had cleaned up your room when I asked you to, your father's trick back would still be aligned. So you pick up this mess right now.
+Clumsy Homer... Everything's always my fault... If he'd just watch where he was going...
+What have we here?
+A cherry bomb! I thought I blew all you guys up.
+People, people, no rough-housing on the monkey bars. You there, tuck in your shirt. Watch it, I saw that.
+You certainly have done awfully well for yourself, Spanky.
+Mother, please don't call me Spanky on school grounds.
+Wow! A cherry bomb!
+What are you gonna do with it, Bart?
+Watch out, Bart. It's Skinner.
+Good morning, Mr. Skinner.
+'Morning, boys.
+We will miss you, my son.
+Why haven't you introduced me to any of your students, Spanky?
+Well Mother, I would like you to meet, Milhouse, Lewis, Richard and... Bart Simpson.
+This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about?
+Mmm-hmm.
+But he looks so sweet.
+I am, ma'am.
+Simpson! Let's move on now, Mother, shall we?
+'Bye, Spanky.
+So, you're gonna flush it?
+What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.
+I think I need to make a stop at the little girl's room.
+Okay, Mother. This way.
+So long, sucker.
+Now, hold it right there you...
+Spanky...
+Mother!
+Oh Marge! I still hurt! Marge! Marge!
+Oh, Homer. How many times do I have to fluff your pillow?
+Actually, I was wondering if you could make me a grilled cheese sandwich?
+Well... okay.
+Make sure it's squished flat and crunchy on the outside.
+I know how you like 'em, Homer.
+And maybe some of those little wieners that come in a can. Oh, and some fruit cocktail... in heavy syrup.
+Marge! Marge! Marge! Get the door.
+Principal Skinner!
+And I will miss you, but now I must go.
+Hello, Mrs. Simpson. I'm afraid there's been a very disturbing incident at school today.
+I'm outta here, man.
+Homer, Principal Skinner's here.
+Oh, hello Principal Skinner. I'd get up but the boy crippled me.
+Mmm-hmm. I understand completely. The disturbing incident I was referring to happened this morning, when your son flushed an explosive device down the boys' lavatory.
+That old gag.
+Unfortunately, at the same moment, my mother was in the girls' lavatory making use of the facilities.
+Oh, dear.
+Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation.
+Deportation! You mean kick Bart out of the country?
+Hear him out, Marge.
+Well, perhaps I was being a tad glib. Let me explain. Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange program. Now normally, a student is selected on the basis of academic excellence or intelligence, but in Bart's case I'm prepared to make a big exception. And, if you're willing to play along, he can spend the next three months studying far, far away.
+Sounds great, although a kid can't learn much in just three months.
+Homer! You didn't even ask where Bart would be going.
+Actually, he'd be staying in France in a lovely chateau in the heart of the wine country.
+But Bart doesn't speak French.
+Oh! When he's totally immersed in a foreign language, the average child can become fluent in weeks.
+Yeah, but what about Bart?
+I'm sure he'll pick up enough to get by. And the whole thing won't cost you a dime as long you're willing to take in a student of your own.
+Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't pulling the same scam you are?
+Well, for one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.
+You mean all white with pink eyes?
+No, no, no, no. A student from Albania. It's a country on the Adriatic Sea.
+Well, going to France sounds like a fantastic opportunity, but I think Bart should have a say in this.
+Aah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me.
+Bart, how would you like to spend the next three months living in France?
+France? Wow.
+He makes me crazy twelve months a year. At least you get the summer off.
+Mmm-hmm.
+And I'd get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom?
+Yes, Bart.
+Wow. And one back?
+Mmm-hmm. Well, Bart seems very enthusiastic about the idea.
+Yes! Yes!
+Way to go!
+Bon voyage, boy.
+Goodbye, my special, my special little guy. You will write us, won't you?
+All the time.
+What do you know about France?
+I know I'm going and you're not.
+I'm gonna miss you, son. And listen... while you're seeing all those great sights, always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.
+Okay, Dad.
+Is one of you going to be on the charter flight?
+Yes, sir.
+Mmm-hmm. Well, come along.
+Goodbye, Bart.
+'Bye, Bart.
+'Bye. We miss you.
+Be good.
+The life jacket is under the seat.
+Goodbye, Adil. Write us often.
+Hey, man, watch it.
+Hey, man, it's me, Bart Simpson.
+Okay, kid, let's go.
+LITTLE BREEZE SEEMS TO WHISPER LOUISE / BIRDS IN THE TREES SEEM TO LOUISE / La la la la / La la la la Ooo la la... How much longer, sir?
+This is where we're going, right?
+Cha...teau Ma...son.
+Ah, Maurice. Once the American boy gets here, your days of endless back-breaking labor will be over.
+Ewww, what a dump.
+You know, in Albania the unit of currency is called the lek.
+You gotta be kiddin'. The lek?
+And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field.
+Give me the old stars and stripes.
+And the main export is furious political thought.
+Political what?
+Trans Albanian Airlines, Flight Number two, Tirana to Springfield, is now arriving at Gate Nine.
+Welcome to your new home. Escape is impossible. My name is Cesar. This is my nephew, Ugolin. You may find life here at the Chateau hard. But if you shut up and do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly.
+He's right, you know.
+Well, okay, sir.
+Mother?
+Well, I guess for the next few months, yes, I'll be your mother.
+And this must be Lisa and Maggie... and you must be my new father, Homer.
+Affectionate little Albanian, isn't he?
+Cesar, look! We are rich!
+These won't fit us, but we can sell them.
+And a red hat for you, Maurice.
+Hey, come on guys. Quit being so grabby.
+Sorry, man. Be my guest.
+You may find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little Adil the benefit of the doubt. In this way, and only in this way, can we hope to better understand our backward neighbors throughout the world.
+Thank you, Principal Skinner. Thank you, fellow students. Although I have only been in your country a few days, I have already found Americans to be most... trusting. Although officially I am required to hate you, I want you to know I do not feel it in my heart.
+Hurry up, boy. My grapes are waiting for their water.
+How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control ninety-five percent of the wealth?
+I'm defending a country where people can think and act and worship any way they want.
+Can not.
+Can, too.
+Can not.
+Can, too.
+Please, please kids. Stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being a land of opportunity, and maybe Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
+Your father is right. We should not fight. Friends?
+Well, okay.
+Well, now that that's settled, I'll just clear the dishes.
+No, no, Mrs. Simpson. You have been oppressed enough for today. I will clear the dishes.
+Oh. Okay.
+Did you see that? You know, Marge, this is the way I've always wanted it to be. We've become a fully functioning family unit. We've always blamed ourselves, but I guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing.
+Your paper-thin commitment to your children sends shivers down my spine. May I be excused?
+Oh, she's just jealous. She'll get over it, and if she doesn't, we can always exchange her.
+Just kidding.
+Mmm. Good sausage.
+Yes, pass me the wine.
+Can I have something to go with my turnip?
+Quiet! When you work like a man, we will feed you like one.
+Now, go to sleep.
+Hey! Hey! Come on. Move it, pal.
+You leave Maurice alone. The floor is good enough for you. You go to sleep there.
+Nice and cozy, Adil?
+Yes, thank you, Father.
+Look, Adil. You can call me Dad.
+All right, Dad.
+Aww. You called me dad.
+Dad, do you think I could come visit you at the nuclear power plant?
+You want to see where I work?
+Oh, yes, very much.
+None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work.
+Then I can go?
+Well, I'll have to pull a few strings with the boys in Security, but sure, you bet.
+Excellent.
+Now watch me. You grab the grape between your thumb and forefinger and gently twist it off and drop it in the bucket.
+Now you do it.
+Very good. Now do it a million times.
+See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?
+Dad, do you think I might see your plutonium isolation module?
+Uh... maybe. Hold on a second.
+Hey, Lenny. Does this place have one of those plutonium isolation deals?
+Yeah, over in Sector Twelve.
+Sector Twelve?
+Third floor by the candy machines.
+Oh, that Sector Twelve.
+Come along, Adil.
+Ungrateful swine! We give you food, we give you shelter, and this is how you repay us.
+You little shutterbug.
+Cheese!
+Ugh, ugh, ugh. Stu-pid grapes... Bunch of creeps... I hate France. Ugh!
+You sure have taken a shine to little Adil.
+Well, he sure makes life a lot easier around here. You have to admit that.
+Well, okay, I will. If you admit you love Bart.
+Okay, okay. I love Bart. Well...
+Oh... Adil's a very sweet boy.
+Darn tootin'.
+Sparrow to Nest. Sparrow to Nest. Stand by for transmission.
+I told you the Sparrow would not fail.
+Dear Bart, How is France? I don't know why you haven't written. I guess you're just having too much fun.
+Yeah, right.
+Silence!
+Everyone here in the United States is fine. We think Maggie may say her first word any day now. Lisa got an A in Math, which I'm only mentioning as news -- I'm not putting you down. And your father, well... last night he went to sleep talking about how much he loves you.
+Remember to dress warm and try to be as helpful as you can to your adopted parents.
+All my love, Mom.
+This will be our finest vintage ever.
+But it's only been fermenting for three days.
+Prison? Oh, my.
+Hi, Sideshow Bob.
+Whenever I find my faith in a higher power shaken, I always think of the miracle of anti-freeze. Too much can be poison. But the right amount gives wine just the right kick. Mais dans les proportions voulues, ca donne du corps au vin.)
+You put in too much. It may kill someone.
+Kill someone? Don't be ridiculous.
+What are you doing? Get out of here.
+On second thought, Bart, Bart, come here. Watch, I bet it won't even blind him.
+Drink this.
+Uh, no thanks.
+Do not worry. This is France. It is customary for children to take a little wine now and then.
+Yeah, but it's got anti-freeze in there.
+Drink it!
+He sees well enough. Now, go buy a case of anti-freeze.
+But it is raining outside. Let's make the wine tomorrow.
+We have already waited three days.
+Then send the boy.
+Oh, Bart!
+You're a policeman, aren't you?
+I am sorry. I do not speak English.
+But you gotta help me. These two guys I'm staying with, they work me day and night, they don't feed me, they make me sleep on the...
+Here you go, little boy. Have a piece of candy. Tiens, petit garcon, voila un bonbon.)
+I don't want a piece of candy, I need your hel--
+Come on, mister. Can you help me?
+I am sorry.
+Aw, forget it. I'm so stupid. Anybody could have learned this dumb language by now. Here I've listened to nothing but French for the past deux mois, et je ne sais pas un mot. Eh! Mais, je parle francois maintenant. Incroyable!
+Hey, monsieur. Aidez-moi! Ces deux types chez qui j'habite me fait travailler jour et nuit, ils ne me donnent pas a manger, ils me fait dormir sur la terre, ils mettent d'antigel dans le vin, et ils sont donne mon chapeau rouge a l'ane.
+Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime. Come along, boy. There is nothing for you to fear now.
+Mon sauveteur! Vous aurez toujours une place dans mon coeur!
+Honey, I'm home.
+Hello, Homer. What's that?
+Oh, just some blueprints Adil wanted. I'm telling you, he's such a curious little dickens. I bet he could build a nuclear power plant if he wanted to.
+All right, Sparrow. We know you're in there. We'll give you one minute to surrender.
+Oh, my.
+Ooh, trouble in the neighborhood. Let's check it out.
+I'm his neighbor, what'd he do?
+Well, sir... Well, sir, we've been on the trail of a spy transmitting highly confidential information to an unfriendly nation.
+Mmm-hmm. Through the use of radio triangulation, we tracked him to exactly this point.
+That's all I can tell you.
+All right. Well, the name of his country starts with the letter "A".
+Time's up, Sparrow. We're coming in after you.
+Gee whiz. Adil would get a kick out of seeing this.
+The Sparrow!
+Adil! Oh... there you are.
+Get him!
+Ouch! Watch it! Hey. Ow, Ouch!
+From now on you will be doing all your winemaking in prison.
+And all because we participated in a student exchange program!
+Au revoir, suckers.
+So, he's going to prison?
+No. We've arranged an exchange for one of our own men caught in Albania.
+So, Sparrow. We meet again.
+Yes, sometimes I think I am getting too old for this game.
+Okay, kids. Let's hurry it up.
+Goodbye, Simpsons. Thank you for your hospitality. I hope this experience will not sour you on the student exchange program.
+Goodbye, Adil. It was a pleasure...
+Goodbye Adil. Have a nice trip.
+Goodbye, Adil. I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted.
+Air France Flight Dix-neuf cent quatre-vingt huit, Paris to Springfield, is now arriving.
+Look, Mom. There he is.
+Oh, Bart, my baby boy. Welcome home.
+Hey, where's the big guy?
+He needs me. Hey, boy.
+Hey, Homer.
+He brought us gifts. His first unselfish act.
+So, basically, I met one nice French person.
+Bart, I have something to say that's gonna bother me if I don't say it... It's good to see you.
+Same here.
+Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.
+Sorry, Marge. Some wiseguy stuck a cork in the bottle.
+My father. What a buffoon.
+Did you hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French.
+Hey, kids! Who do you love?
+Krusty!
+How much do you love me?
+With all our hearts!
+What would you do if I went off the air?
+We'd kill ourselves!
+What's that, Sideshow Bob? This is Brittany and today's her birthday?
+Well, happy birthday, Brittany. How do you want to celebrate? Do you want me to sing you a birthday song?
+Or do you want me to shoot Sideshow Bob out of a cannon?
+The cannon. The cannon. The cannon. The cannon.
+The cannon.
+Sorry Sideshow Bob, but it's her special birthday wish.
+You're doomed, Sideshow Bob.
+I know we haven't had much luck shooting you out of this cannon, but maybe that's because we haven't used enough gun powder!
+Brittany, do the honors.
+Don't blame me --
+I didn't do it!
+Comedy, thy name is Krusty.
+Hey, kids. It's time for Itchy and Scratchy.
+THEY FIGHT, THEY BITE / THEY BITE AND FIGHT AND BITE / BITE, BITE, BITE / FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT / THE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY SHOW!
+All this senseless violence. I don't understand its appeal.
+We don't expect you to, Mom.
+If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
+Y'ello.
+Hello, Homie. I was hoping you could pick up a half gallon of premium ice cream on your way home from work.
+Oooh, premium -- wait a minute. Why?
+Patty and Selma are coming over to show us slides from their trip to the Yucatan.
+Yoo hoo! Anybody home?
+Ooo, I've got to go, Homer. My sisters are here.
+Oh, eight carousels. We're in for a real treat!
+Hello, steady customer. How are you this evening, sir?
+How you doin', Apu?
+Mmm, chocolate... oooh, double chocolate... New flavor! Triple chocolate!
+Perhaps a little something for the trip back to the cash register.
+What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
+The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, "the gruesome twosome."
+Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy....
+Sorry, pal...
+Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
+Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
+You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
+This is our tour group.
+Mmm-hmm.
+This is a Mexican delicacy called a taco platter. Hmmm, delicious.
+This is Selma taking a siesta.
+Aye carumba!
+And he had a big nose.
+No, bigger. And big red hair that came out to... yeah, yeah like that.
+Well, it is a simple charcoal rendering, but is this the man?
+Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero... Cruddy... Crummy... Krusty the Clown!
+Aaaaah.
+Hey, hey. What's going on here?
+Well, uh... m-maybe you better run off to bed...
+Krusty the Clown, you are under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
+What... is this a joke?
+Ready, Mr. Simpson?
+Yes, sir.
+Send in the clowns.
+So, Simpson. Which one is it?
+Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty.
+No, no! Which one is the robber?
+Oh, definitely number... Heh heh...
+Simpson!
+And this is all the mail that awaited us upon our return.
+Hmmm hmmm.
+And this is Selma dropping off our vacation film to be developed.
+Thus concludes our Mexican odyssey.
+Hmmm, very... thorough.
+I'm home everybody.
+Oh, goody gumdrops.
+You missed the whole slide show, Homer.
+Oh fantastic. Marge, you're never gonna believe what happened. I was down at the Kwik-E-Mart minding my own business when... Oooh oooh, ooh, the news.
+Springfield's number one news team with our Emmy award winning anchorman, Kent Brockman.
+Good evening. I'm Scott Christian. Kent Brockman is off tonight. Why did the clown cross the road? To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.
+The news story behind that enigmatic half-joke right after this commercial message.
+Wait a minute. Bart -- you know that guy on your lunch box?
+Oh, you mean Krusty the Clown?
+He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he?
+Are you kidding? He's my idol. I've based my whole life on Krusty's teachings.
+Lemme check.
+Krusty the Clown is behind bars tonight after a daring twilight robbery of a local Kwik-E-Mart.
+Krusty!
+Earlier this evening, the Springfield Swat Team apprehended the TV clown, who appears on a rival station opposite our own Emmy award-winning Hobo Hank.
+And just in... actual footage of the crime taken with the Kwik-E-Mart security camera.
+The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, "the gruesome twosome."
+Oh, Homer.
+So, the truth comes out.
+Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
+Oh... oh! Krusty, how could you?
+I know it looks very bad, honey -- but who knows? Maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all along.
+Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there... the clown's G-I-L-L -T-Y.
+You're my best friend.
+Thanks, Krusty.
+Buy my cereal!
+Buy my cereal.
+I didn't do it.
+I wish I could believe you.
+Good evening again, Springfield. Krusty the Clown, the beloved idol of countless tots, now nothing more than a common alleged criminal. His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media circus as children of all ages, from eight to eighty, hang on each new development like so many Rumanian trapeze artists.
+From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi...
+Krusty clowned his way to the top of a personal mini-empire --
+-- with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers -- Krusty's near fatal on-the-air heart attack in 1986.
+Sorry, son. You'll understand one day.
+Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids? Well, we've got another one coming right up, but first I got a hankerin' for some pork products.
+Mmmm. Look! Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked bacon and glistening, sizzling...
+I'm dying! I'm dying!
+But a quick triple bypass and a pacemaker later, Krusty bounced back. However, he was a changed clown. Where his show had been condemned by parents and educators alike as simple-minded TV mayhem...
+This new Krusty devoted a small portion of every show to stamping out illiteracy in today's anything-for-a- thrill youth.
+Give a hoot! Read a book!
+Krusty's arrest has sent shock waves through Springfield, packing its churches, synagogues and mosques with disillusioned citizenry from all walks of life.
+I urge every halfway decent member of our community to gather up all merchandise that bears the likeness of Krusty, that clown prince of corruption, and join me in a public burning.
+So is Krusty the Clown about to trade in his baggy pants for the relatively snug uniform of Springfield Penitentiary? We'll find out tomorrow when his trial begins.
+What kind of gun did you use?
+Did you use an accomplice?
+Will you plead insanity?
+Look at him. His clothes are so drab.
+His face is so flesh-colored and sad.
+And his feet... they're so small.
+Say it ain't so, Krusty.
+My client has no comment at this time.
+I didn't do it!
+Krusty the clown, how do you plead?
+I plead guilty, your honor.
+Uh... I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, your honor.
+I would like to call to the stand, Homer J. Simpson.
+Don't do it, Dad. Please don't do it.
+He's innocent, I tell you. Krusty would never do something like that. Ah come on Dad, you gotta listen to me.
+Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily-salted snack treats?
+Yes, sir.
+Hmmm hmmm. Do you recognize the gunman in this courtroom today?
+Yes, I do.
+Fine, would you point him out to us?
+Oh, man.
+Let the record show that the witness eventually pointed to Krusty the Clown.
+These toys are just adorable. Who'd have guessed they were inspired by an insane criminal genius?
+But Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality.
+No, I'm not. I'm hopping on the bandwagon. Now come on, son, get with the winning team.
+Hey, right here. Krusty souvenirs. Buy 'em and burn 'em right here.
+Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
+Ahhhhh. Oooh!
+Krusty, would you please turn your attention to Exhibit B, and tell me what you see?
+Which one do you mean?
+The one with the big B on it.
+Uh... uh...
+What's the matter, can't you read?
+No, I can't! I can't read or write! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate! Now are you happy?
+Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself?
+Is it a crime to be illiterate?
+Yeah, Al. Last name, Koholic.
+All right, all right. See this, Krusty? This is a 'B'. And this is Exhibit B. Betting slips, obtained by this court indicating you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling --
+Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
+Yes, it is.
+Foreperson, have you reached a verdict?
+Yes, we have, your honor. We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown... guilty.
+I knew it! This happens to me every time.
+My young friends. For years I have been silent, save for the crude glissandos of this primitive wind instrument. But now destiny has thrust me into the center ring. In the coming weeks, you will notice some rather sweeping changes in our program. Please, do not be alarmed. Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here, but we will also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette and all the lively arts.
+What the hell are you doing, Lis?
+I'm watching Sideshow Bob. You know, he's a lot less patronizing than Krusty used to be.
+You backstabber, you traitor, you...
+Snap out of it, Bart. Face the facts. All those hours we spent staring at Krusty, we were staring at a crook.
+Look, Lisa, I know Krusty's innocent. Don't ask me why. It's just a feeling I have.
+Oh, Bart.
+Come on, Lisa. I think I can prove Krusty's innocent, but I need your help.
+You do? Why?
+Oh, come on Lis, you know why.
+No, why?
+I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.
+So, you with me?
+Yeah man.
+Okay, okay. Don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth.
+Bart, look!
+So? I don't have a pacemaker.
+Come on, Bart. The tape showed that the robber heated up a burrito.
+Don't you remember the get-well card we sent to Krusty? It was after his heart attack, when he had a pacemaker put in.
+Wait a minute. Krusty can't read.
+Okay! okay! So the poor guy can't read! Can't we get off his back already?
+No! Don't you get it, Bart? How could Krusty have been reading a magazine if he can't read?
+Hey, hey. This is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off.
+Bart, I'm starting to think you're right. Krusty was framed. Did he have any enemies?
+I don't know, but I know someone who would: Krusty's best friend in the whole world, Sideshow Bob.
+"A volley of musketry flamed, thundered, roared. A profound silence followed, broken only by the approaching footsteps of the Third Brigade."
+Next week, chapter thirty five of "The Man In The Iron Mask-The Death Of A Titan."
+Well, kids, that's our show for the day. And now, the words of Mr. Cole Porter...
+EVERY TIME WE SAY GOODBYE, I DIE A LITTLE. EVERY TIME WE SAY GOODBYE, I WONDER WHY A LITTLE. EVERY TIME WE SAY GOODBYE. GOODBYE.
+Great show, Sideshow. Switchboards were jammed. The kids love you.
+Thanks, Ted. I'm glad we've finally dispelled the myth that I'm too uptown for the tots. And yet, I can't help thinking about poor Krusty.
+We see your face on key chains!
+-- and water-action pens!
+-- and snow domes!
+This is all very exciting, but I think we'd do well to explore the more upscale market. For instance, Sideshow Bob limited edition prints, collectors plates, commemorative coins.
+Some kids are here to see you, Sideshow Bob. They say it's important.
+Ah, well. We can sign these contracts tomorrow.
+Certainly. I take great pride in being able to sign my own name.
+Sideshow Bob, can we ask you a few--
+Forgive me, children. As much as Sideshow Bob would love to chat, he has a show starting in moments. Here you go. Three tickets, be my guest.
+Well, okay, but...
+Come, come, let's run along.
+Hello, children. Whom do you love?
+Sideshow Bob!
+Come on, Bart. Go with the flow.
+How much do you love me?
+With all our hearts!
+About a zillionth as much as I love Krusty.
+Today's show promises to be a marvelous celebration of the human spirit. But first, I regret to say I see a youngster who looks troubled.
+What's your name, young man?
+Bart Simpson, sir.
+Mmm... Well, perhaps we can shed some light on your problem in a new segment exploring pre-adolescent turmoil. I call it "Choices."
+I don't think so, sir.
+Bart, I'm reaching out to you.
+So what's on your mind, Bart? I bet the other children don't accept you.
+True, Sideshow Bob, but that doesn't bother me. You see, my sisters and I have been doing a little investigating, and it looks to us like Krusty was framed.
+Framed?
+Well, the videotape showed that the thief used the microwave oven at the Kwik-E-Mart. But Krusty couldn't go near the thing. Not with his pacemaker.
+Well, you know Bart, as much as I love Krusty, he was never one to take doctors' orders too seriously.
+Well, maybe. But, get this, Krusty was illiterate and the guy who robbed the store was reading the Springfield Review of Books.
+Ah, well, Bart...
+The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield
+Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag.
+Yeah, I guess those are kinda funny.
+Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us, but we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car.
+And shot you out of a cannon.
+And shot me out of a cannon. Yes, we will never forget that will we? Bart, open your heart. I admit I have some mighty big shoes to fill, but if you give me a chance, I promise you won't be disap...
+Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill. Big shoes to fill.
+You know, in ancient Greece, there was a school of thought called stoicist...
+Wait a minute! You did it!
+Excuse me?
+Attention, fellow children. Krusty didn't rob that store. Sideshow Bob framed him and I got proof.
+Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy...
+See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes but he's got little feet, like all good-hearted people.
+Sideshow Bob really fills his shoe with big ugly feet.
+The kid's right.
+How do you figure we missed that?
+Get off your duffs, boys. Get down to that studio!
+Yes, I admit it. I hated him. His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty. I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling kids.
+Take him away, boys.
+Treat kids as equals. They're people too. They're smarter than you think. They were smart enough to catch me.
+Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake. Uh... won't happen again.
+It better not, you dimwit.
+Krusty, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong, and I'm sorry I fingered you in court. I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated.
+Okay... let's see... next we have...
+Well, the important thing is that I regained the trust of the children, but there was one boy who trusted me all along. Bart?
+Yes, sir.
+Thank you.
+And now to our own pie-in-the-sky, Bill Pie, in the KBBL traffic copter. So, come on in, Bill.
+Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck on the Interstate. Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubbernecking and melon rustling going on, so expect delays of up to three hours.
+Hey! Donuts!
+Bart, there's one left and it's mine!
+Awww, Dad.
+Awww... Homer!
+Uh-oh, school bus.
+Hey, cool your jets, man. We're comin'!
+You forgot the special lunches I made.
+That's okay, Mom!
+We got money!
+Now just a darn...
+This is Bill Pie your pie in the sky saying goodbye.
+Well, Maggie, it's just you and me again.
+This is K-B-B-L. K-Babble. All talk, twenty-four hours a day. If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin Monroe. Our number is 555-PAIN.
+Don't be afraid! Call now!
+Hello, I'd like to talk to Dr. Monroe.
+First name, age, problem.
+I'm Marge, thirty-four, and my problem is my husband. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me. I don't know how much more of this I can --
+Hey, lady! Save your whining for when you're on the air, okay?
+Marge. She's thirty-four, and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage.
+Hey, turn it up. I love hearing those whack-os.
+Tell me about your husband, Marge.
+Well. When we were dating he was sweeter, and more romantic, and forty pounds thinner, and he had hair, and he ate with utensils.
+What was that last thing you said?
+Hey, isn't that your wife, Homer?
+Don't be ridiculous. My wife worships the ground I walk on.
+Marge, I-it's what I call harsh reality time.
+Your husband sees you as nothing.
+Oh. Okay, well thank you.
+No, no, don't hang up! The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.
+Really?
+I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying. Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up. And if he doesn't start loving, you'll be leaving.
+Leave Homer?
+Please. Don't use his real name.
+Leave Pedro?
+Can you be that honest, Marge?
+You'll tell him right when he comes home from work?
+Say it like you mean it.
+Atta girl!
+Oh, come on, Bart, not again.
+Aw, where's your sense of humor?
+Moe's Tavern.
+Hello, is Al there?
+Phone call for Al. Al Koholic. Is there an Al Koholic here?
+Wait a minute... Listen, you little yellow-belly rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya!
+I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up.
+Is everything okay, Homer? Usually you have a quick one, some peanuts, a hunka beef jerky, a couple pickled eggs and you're outta here.
+Let's just say, I don't feel like goin' home tonight. Jar, please.
+Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?
+You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
+Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.
+What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
+You're no more of a pig than I am.
+Oh, no.
+See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings. Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.
+Gee, a romantic evening. Nah, she's too smart to fall for that.
+I'm not done. After dinner, the two of you are going to check into the fanciest motel in town, and not check out until the next morning. If you get my drift.
+I read you loud and clear.
+Wow, a quarter past six. What's keeping Dad?
+Yeah, who'd possibly be late on meat loaf night?
+Uh... I'd like some flowers.
+What kind of flowers?
+Uh, you know, pretty ones. Like that.
+Well, we have some beautiful long stemmed roses. They're fifty-five dollars a dozen.
+One, please.
+Hey, Mom.
+How 'bout some grub?
+Your husband sees you as nothing... as nothing... as nothing...
+The pig has made you into his mother... made you into his mother... into his mother...
+You are not the hot love object you deserve you deserve to be... you deserve to be... you deserve to be...
+If he doesn't start loving, you're leaving... leaving... leaving...
+Marge, I uh... love you. Marge, honey, I love you. Ohhh... Marge, I love you, baby. Hmm, Marge, sweetie, hooney, honey... Aah, this'll never work.
+I love you, Marjorie.
+Oh, Homer.
+I love you, too.
+A little pre-dinner entertainment...
+Moe's Tavern.
+Is Oliver there?
+Oliver Klozoff.
+Hold on, I'll check.
+Oliver Klozoff! Call for Oliver Klozoff.
+...and I've made reservations at the Chez Paree.
+But, Homer, it's so expensive.
+It matters not, mon frere. And after desserts, we'll adjourn to our second-floor room at the Off Ramp Inn.
+Oh, oh, Homer. I feel giddy. Wait, what about a babysitter?
+Not to worry.
+Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get hold of you, I swear, I'll cut your belly open!
+Goodness, must be a crossed wire.
+Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service.
+This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.
+Wait a minute... The Simpsons?
+Lady, you gotta be kidding.
+Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service.
+Hello, this is Mr... Sampson.
+Did your wife just call a second ago?
+No. I said Sampson, not Simpson.
+Thank God. Those Simpsons. What a bunch of savages. Especially that big ape father.
+Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.
+Mom, you look so glamorous.
+Well, tonight is a very special night. Your father is taking me out for dinner and dancing.
+Dad dances?
+Like an angel.
+BA, BA / BA, BA, BA, BA BA, BA, BA, BA, BA, BA / BA, BA BA!
+BA, BA / BA BA, BA, BA BA, BA, BA BA, BA, BA...
+Work that body, Homer.
+You know, one day you'll learn to move like your old man.
+Not if I can help it.
+Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mambo.
+You don't have a clue, do you, Dad?
+Out, boy, out.
+What a grump.
+Smooth as a baby's behind.
+Precious? I think I hear the doorbell.
+I think you're right, dumplin'.
+BART, GET THE DOOR!
+Aye-aye, Mambo Man.
+You must be the babysitter.
+Yes. I am Ms. Botz.
+Well, don't just stand there, boy. Help Miss Botz with her suitcases.
+I can handle my own luggage.
+Thank you for coming on such short notice, Ms. Botz.
+Here are the phone numbers of the restaurant where we'll be dining and the motel where we'll be spending the night. You'll have to put Maggie to bed now. But Bart and Lisa can stay up for another hour. Until then, they can watch a tape from our video library.
+Oh, boy, "The Happy Little Elves Meet The Curious Bear Cub"!
+Oh, the Elves, the Elves!
+Bye kids. Watch out for the boy.
+'Bye, now. Be good. Gotta go.
+Come, children, let's go watch the "Happy Little Elves".
+Look, lady, we've seen the Crappy Little Elves about fourteen billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV.
+I said we're gonna watch the tape.
+Awww, that's merely suggested viewing matter, lady. Mom lets us watch whatever the hell we want.
+I said, you're gonna watch this tape. And you're gonna do what I say, or I'm gonna to do something to you. And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.
+They all look so tasty. But I think I'll eat this one right there.
+Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir?
+Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.
+Oh, okay. Then I'll take that one there with the beady eyes.
+Excellent choice, sir. May I lead you to your table?
+Oui, oui. After you. And I'll be seeing you later.
+Help! Help!
+Faster, faster!
+We've got to save Bubbles!
+Oh, man, I can't take it anymore.
+But I want to see what happens.
+Oh, no!
+You know what happens. They find Captain Kook's treasure, all the elves dance around like little green idiots, I puke, the end.
+Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
+Now for some real TV.
+All right! "America's Most Armed and Dangerous."
+Oh, no, Bart, we'll have nightmares.
+Relax. This is cinema verite. When the brutal slow-motion killing starts, I'll tell you to shut your eyes.
+The Cue Ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous. If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.
+Homer, you look just like a little boy.
+Because I'm so carefree?
+No. Because you're wearing a bib.
+More champagne?
+Ooops. Time for a fill-up. Garçon! Another bottle of your second-least-expensive champagne.
+The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living room, while the bandit roamed through the house at will, stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for.
+You know, Marge, this is just like when we were dating.
+Except for one thing... no chaperone.
+The Babysitter Bandit has left a trail of her daring nighttime robberies across the continental United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes.
+In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Babysitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzucowski. Remember, she may be using a clever alias...
+...and should be considered armed and dangerous.
+RUN FOR IT!
+One eight hundred you snitch, no, you... squeal...
+Don't forget to tell me when you see the off-ramp.
+Oh, there it... went.
+No problemo. We'll just get off at the next exit.
+Bart... Bart... Bart... Bart... Hmm, time to brush your teeth, wash your face and say your prayers.
+Are you in... here?
+Oh, homemade pickled beets.
+Go ahead. Take 'em all.
+The thing is no one was hurt. I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
+Come on, come on.
+Finally!
+Hello, Vigilant Viewer. You have reached "America's Most Armed and Dangerous".
+I'm calling to report the Babysitter Bandit. She's in our house right --
+Come on, Marge. Let me carry you over the threshold.
+Okay, but watch out. Don't slam my head like last time.
+Sheesh, eleven years ago, and you've never forgotten it.
+Don't muss my hair.
+Wheeeee!
+This is fun!
+We know who you are, Ms. Botz. Or should I say, Ms. Botzucowski. You're the Babysitter Bandit.
+You're a smart young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut.
+He isn't.
+You're crazy if you think you're gonna get away with this, lady. You can't --
+I'm really not a bad person. Here, while I finish up you guys can watch the rest of your favorite video casette.
+Quiet, Bart. Let's make the best of this.
+Maybe I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
+Ooh, your blue thing with the things?
+You'll see.
+Well, shake a leg, Mama.
+Kids stuff... Hardly worth it... Lotta junk... Soiled... Stupid Sampsons...
+Maggie, Maggie.
+WE'RE HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY LITTLE ELVES / GOODBYE! G'BYE!
+Maggie, wanna watch "The Happy Little Elves" again?
+Okay, but you have to untie me first.
+Oh, Homer.
+Oh, so you got out of your crib. I guess you need to be tied up, too.
+Maggie, where are you?
+Maggie... Maggie...
+Homer, would it spoil the mood if I called home? You know, just to check on the kids?
+Homer, wake up. There's no answer at home.
+So, I'm worried. I think we should go home.
+All right. I suppose my work here is done.
+Hello, Vigilant Viewer. How may we help you?
+We caught her! We caught the Babysitter Bandit! She's tied up at our house right now!
+Ask if there's a reward!
+Is there a reward? If she's convicted, we get T-shirts.
+How come all the lights are on?
+I don't like the looks of this.
+Ms. Botz? Ms. Botz?
+Good Lord! What have those little hellions done now?
+We're so sorry, we're so sorry.
+Please turn off the TV.
+I can't tell you how chagrinned we are about all of this.
+Oh, these things are heavy.
+Just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay. No, no, triple.
+Thank you.
+Mr. Sampson, can I give you a bit of advice?
+Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.
+Ain't that the truth. You know, one time he --
+This way to the scene of the crime, men. I've got her tied up in the den.
+Just a minute, young man. I don't know what kind of shenanigans you've been pulling this time, but I just had to untie your babysitter and pay her off so that --
+Excuse me, sir, are you saying to the world that you just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious Babysitter Bandit?
+The what?
+The Babysitter Bandit.
+Uh... uh... no. Are you sure this microphone works? Uh, well, I wouldn't say I aided her. This is on, right? Because, actually, it was quite a struggle.
+Awww, Homer.
+Have you ever seen a Kung Fu movie? It was just like that. But now I know her moves. So, if you're listening to me, lady, you better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again.
+Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
+Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.
+Yeah. Yeah!
+Honey, can we make up again?
+Oh my goodness.
+There will be no further interruptions during Martin's book report.
+"You're killing me, fish. Never have I seen a greater or more noble thing than you, brother.
+Come on and kill me. I do not care who kills who."
+To catch a fish, to kill a bull, to make love to a woman. To live! I thank you.
+Oh please, call me Papa.
+Little ketchup for your buns, Papa?
+Is it ready? Ha, what a question. Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled. Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was "Treasure Island".
+It's about these pirates. Pirates with patches over their eyes... and shiny gold teeth... and green birds on their shoulders...
+Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson? And published by the good people at McGraw Hill.
+So in conclusion, on the Simpsons' scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being the lowest, and five being average, I give this book... a nine.
+Any questions?
+No? Then I'll just sit down.
+Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?
+Blackbeard... Captain Nemo... Captain Hook... Long John Silver... Peg Leg Pete... Bluebeard.
+Bluebeard?
+Yes, ma'am.
+Yes, ma'am.
+Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?
+Yes, ma'am.
+Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah!...
+Yes, ma'am.
+Yes, ma'am.
+Uhhh... straighten up and fly right?
+Whoa, take that, Granny! Oh, hide in the closet. Oh no, deadly mothballs.
+Ooo... Granny killing me!
+You have reached the level of ungrateful grandchild. Try again, if you dare! Heh... heh... heh...
+Heh... heh... heh. Just a couple more games and I'll hit the books.
+Soup's on! Hurry up, or it'll get that icky skin on the top.
+Eww, I hate that icky soup skin.
+Okay, right after dinner, it's down to business.
+Mmmm. Marge, Could you get me another beer, please?
+In a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news.
+He doesn't care, Mom.
+Sure I do. I just want to have a beer while I'm caring. Marge...
+Homer! Go ahead, Lisa.
+Well, okay. I got an A on my vocabulary test.
+What! You did! Well, that's just... oh, what a glorious day! Lisa, hand me your paper.
+I'm just gonna take this over to the refrigerator and, hmmm. Well as long as I'm here, I might as well kill two birds with one stone.
+What's the big idea? You covered up my paper.
+Look at those funny little whiskers. Oooo! That reminds me. It's Big Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie. C'mon boy.
+No, Dad, I should really... Whoop!
+Oooh, "Gorilla, The Conqueror." The granddaddy of them all.
+Ah well, maybe just one more hour.
+It's so unfair... just because he's different.
+Well, time to hit the books.
+Burning the candle at both ends, eh boy? Go get 'em.
+All right, okay, let's take care of some business. "Chapter One: A Dream of Freedom. On September fifteenth, sixteen-twenty, Puritan separatists from the Church of England, some living in Holland, left Plymouth, England. Their destination was --
+Psst... Marge. Come take a look at this.
+Oh! The little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing?
+Just a little dim, I guess.
+Bart, honey... you're going to miss your bus!
+Hey, Bart-dude. Whoa, you look freaked.
+Hey, Otto-man. I've got a big test that I am not ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something?
+Oh, sorry little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky.
+Okay, no reason to panic. Find an egghead, pump him for some answers, and boom, I'm back on easy street.
+Look at him. I bet he didn't study again.
+And now he's gonna try to kiss up and get answers from us.
+He's pathetic.
+Good morning, girls.
+Good morning, Bart.
+Say... who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the pilgrim's boat?
+The Spirit of St. Louis.
+And where did they land?
+Sunny Acapulco.
+Why'd they leave England?
+Giant rats.
+Cool. History's coming alive.
+As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information pertaining to America's colonial period that you just received is erroneous.
+So you're saying...
+A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.
+Thanks for the pep talk.
+Oh! Ooooo!!
+Nothing... must... take... test.
+Ooooo!!
+What's the matter, son?
+Sharp, stabbing pains... in my stomach.
+Oh dear, I've heard of this.
+Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm?
+Both arms, ma'am.
+Temporary loss of vision?
+Who said that? Come closer.
+Yes, dear?
+Uh maybe... uh, one more dish. Make it double cappuccino chocolate fudge.
+Oooh, your third bowl... I think you may be on the mend. Is there anything else I can get you?
+Hmmm, perhaps the TV?
+Of course. Homer!?
+Bring the television up. Bart's got his vision back!
+I wish I had Amoria Phlebitis.
+Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart.
+Well, everyone better keep their mouths shut.
+You're gonna have to fail that history test sooner or later.
+I've got my bases covered.
+Hey Milhouse, what did I miss in school today?
+I have hair!... I have hair!
+Nothing much. Lewis made Richard laugh milk through his nose.
+Oh, you don't say? What about that history test?... Huh? Piece of cake, huh? So listen, what'd you get for Number one? Uh huh. Number two?... Oh yeah, that sounds right.
+Here you go, Mrs. Krabappel. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
+Hey, Dr. J.
+I think what we have on our hands here is a classic case of what laymen refer to as fear of failure. As a result, Bart is an underachiever. And yet he seems to be... how should I put this...? Proud of it?
+Hmmm...
+One of his problems may be his short attention span, which can lead to...
+Blah, blah, blah... blah, blah, blah, blah.
+Hmmm huh.
+Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ...
+Every other student in the class has shown at least some form of improvement and yet you continue to struggle. Why is that?
+I dunno.
+Okay... okay! Why are we dancing around the obvious? I know it. You know it. I am dumb. Okay? Dumb as a post. Do you think I'm happy about it?
+There, there, Bart. You're just a late bloomer.
+Oh... I wish it were that simple. As shameful and as emotionally crippling as it may be, I'm afraid my recommendation is for Bart Simpson to repeat the fourth grade.
+What! You can't hold me back. I'll do better, I promise.
+Well, maybe it would help him to be left back. It won't be so bad, Bart.
+No, I mean it. You can't hold me back. I swear I'm gonna do better. Look at my eyes. See the sincerity, see the conviction, see the fear. As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.
+And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.
+Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes.
+Otto, you know I respect you. I mean you always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns...
+Damn thing never goes over, does it?
+So what's in your head, little man?
+Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
+Yuh huh.
+And now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up.
+That's it? Hey, relax man. It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. I got held back in the fourth grade myself -- twice. And look at me, man. Now I drive the school bus.
+I'm afraid my recommendation is for Bart Simpson to repeat the fourth grade. Repeat the fourth grade. Repeat the fourth grade. Repeat the fourth grade.
+Look, lady. I got a peptic ulcer, a wife hocking me for a new car, and I need a root canal. Will you quit bugging me about this stupid pirate.
+Long John Silver, Dad.
+Thanks a lot, son.
+Yo! Little help!
+I said little help! Throw me the ball, Poindexter.
+Oh, I'm sorry, Bart. I'm unfamiliar with the rules of your sport. I didn't want to interfere with a ball in play.
+Well, back to the forecastle of the Pequod.
+Hm, hey, Martin.
+I have hair! Look! Look!
+You have your ball back. I have nothing else of value.
+I need you to help me get a passing grade.
+Well, you do need someone's help to get a passing grade but I don't know why that someone should be me.
+Because I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much.
+They... laugh at me? I'd always considered myself rather popular.
+You're not. Watch!
+Then my-my speed with numbers... my years of service as a hall monitor... my prize winning diaramas... these things mean nothing to them?
+Perhaps another demonstration.
+Very well. You have made your point, Bart.
+Then it's a deal.
+All righty. Let's have a look-see at your study area.
+Study area?
+Yes, your-your sanctuary from the hurly-burly of modern life.
+Well, there's a desk under that junk over there.
+Oh. No, no, no, no. This won't do at all. We're gonna have to clean up this room. And we'll clearly need a few ferns in here. No study area is complete without adequate plant-life.
+Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on you sit in the back row. And that's not just on the bus. It goes for school and church, too.
+So no one can see what you're doing.
+Oooh. I think I understand. The potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure.
+Well yeah, but don't say it like that.
+Pretty soon you will be ready to try it with a real book.
+"We hold these truths to be self-evident.,we hold these truths to be self-evident,7
+4357,15,49,(WINFIELD'S HOUSE: EXT. WINFIELD'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS),317000,false,,215,,WINFIELD'S HOUSE,,,
+4213,14,205,"Martin Prince: Who would have thought that pushing a boy into the girls' lavatory could be such a thrill? The screams
+Great, Martin. Now, the big test is tomorrow and I haven't even started to study...
+Who cares about some test? Life's too short for tests.
+Hey! I thought we had a deal.
+The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists. Come on fellows, to the arcade.
+Bart, it's past your bedtime.
+This is hopeless.
+Well, old timer... I guess this is the end of the road. I know I haven't always been a good kid. But if I have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. I just need one more day to study, Lord. I need your help.
+Prayer, the last refuge of a scoundrel.
+A teacher's strike, a power failure, a blizzard. Anything that'll cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, you can. Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson.
+Wake up Bart, rise and shine, little guy. Time to wake up.
+Oh? No, no.
+Wake up and look at the snow.
+Huh? Whoa, Good morning, world!
+Rise and shine Springfield residents! It's the Bill and Marty Show. He's Bill.
+He's Marty.
+Two grown men who can't get enough of each other...
+And it looks like we've got some snowformation for all those flake lovers out there.
+Hmmm hmmm.
+Springfield Electric, Gas and Water plants are closed for the day...
+Oh now, don't forget the nuclear power plant, Bill. That's closed too.
+Whoo hoo! All right!
+Meet me in the alley in fifteen minutes. Come alone.
+And now for all you youngsters, you toddlers, this is what you've been waiting for. Springfield County schools are... I can't read it, I'm too excited.
+Oh, oh! Springfield County Schools will be closed.
+Please please please please please please please. All right!
+owabunga!
+Remember to take a break if your arms go numb!
+I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is exactly. All I know is He's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together and you owe him big.
+You're right. I asked for a miracle and I got it. I gotta study, man.
+I'm not missin'anything. Frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sled hill over and over again... how good could it be?
+Got ya, Burnsie.
+Why you young ragamuffin. I was never one to back away from a snowball fight. Smithers, you may fire at will.
+Certainly, sir.
+I hereby declare this day to be "Snow Day" -- The funnest day in the history of Springfield!
+"SLEIGH BELLS RING / ARE YOU LISTENIN'/,sleigh bells ring are you listenin,6
+4261,14,253,Entire Town: IN THE LANE / SNOW IS GLISTENIN' /,1130000,true,241,211,Entire Town,NEIGHBORHOOD,IN THE LANE / SNOW IS GLISTENIN' /,in the lane snow is glistenin,6
+4262,14,254,Entire Town: A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT / WE'RE HAPPY TONIGHT/ WALKIN' IN A WINTER WONDERLAND." /
+"GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD / HERE TO STAY...,gone away is the bluebird here to stay,8
+4264,14,256,Bart Simpson: Gotta study! Gotta study! Gotta study!,1149000,true,8,211,Bart Simpson,NEIGHBORHOOD,Gotta study! Gotta study! Gotta study!,gotta study gotta study gotta study,6
+4265,14,257,(Simpson Home: int. simpson house - basement),1154000,false,,5,,Simpson Home,,,
+4266,14,258,"Bart Simpson: (READING ALOUD
+We hold these truths to be self-evident. We hold these truths to be self-evident.
+That all men are created equal.
+That all men are created equal.
+That from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable...
+Hey, look everybody! It's snowing!
+In the middle of July?
+It's a miracle.
+Fellas, I've invented something fun... the sled.
+Hey, look everybody! John Hancock's writing his name in the snow!
+Do you want to be held back a grade? Concentrate, man.
+Later, Mrs. K.
+Do you think you could grade it now, please?
+Oh no, I can't believe it.
+No, you don't understand. I really tried this time. I really tried.
+This is as good as I can do. And I still failed.
+Who am I kidding? I really am a failure. Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754...
+Oh you know... 1754, the famous defeat to the French...
+Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.
+You mean I passed?
+I passed. I got a D minus. I passed. All right!
+I passed! I passed! I passed! I passed! I got a D minus. I passed!... I got a D minus. I passed!... I got a D minus. I passed! I passed! I kissed the teacher. Peh, peh, peh peh.
+We're proud of you boy.
+Thanks, Dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God.
+Okay, the capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?
+Hitler.
+Hitler, North Dakota?
+Bismarck.
+Bismarck.
+Hitler?
+Hey, I'm still beating you, boy.
+Okay. The colors of the Italian flag are red, white and what?
+I was right.
+Okay, we'll be right back with more Grade School Challenge after this important message.
+I used to think that losing my hair was as inevitable as the tides. Then I found out about Dimoxinil, the new miracle breakthrough in hair regrowth.
+Miracle breakthrough! There's been a miracle breakthrough?
+The odds are Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to. Hey, today I'm gonna do it.
+For your free brochure, send five dollars to: Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah.
+Hair... hair... Just like everybody else.
+You know, some women find bald men quite virile.
+Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough. Not one of these cheapo sucker deals.
+Allow me to present the Dimoxinil Action Set in its entirety. A six month supply of the drug, the gravity boots, scalp massager and your tee shirt.
+Great! Great! Great! How much? How much? How much?
+One thousand dollars.
+A thousand bucks. I can't afford that.
+Hmmm. Well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However, I must assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.
+A thousand bucks. Of all the rip-off -- screw job -- gyp joint... forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing!
+So I say "Forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing!", and I storm right outta there.
+Ah ha, that's telling him, Homer.
+Out of tartar sauce.
+They call this a portion? Hey Lenny, are you gonna use all your tartar sauce? Dry fish sticks. This sucks.
+Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
+If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that.
+Homer, don't be a sap all of your life. Just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively. Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company.
+But it's a thousand bucks... Burns would can my butt in no time flat.
+Ooooh, a thousand bucks. So what? To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher.
+Yeah! Besides you pay money into the insurance fund every week. What do you ever get out of it?
+Nothing... well, that newsletter.
+Exactly! Why should you get nothing while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot?
+You got me!
+Uh, I'd like to charge that Dimoxinil stuff to my health insurance?
+Look buddy, I don't know who put you up to this, but no insurance plan in this state covers something as frivolous as Dimoxinil.
+Good morning, Springfield! Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Winfield!
+Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie?
+Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
+Ah... it's the President!
+Good morning, everybody!
+Good morning!
+Good morning, everybody! Good morning Springfield!
+Dimoxinil!
+Homer Simpson! Why, why, why, you haven't been here I-in twenty years! Hey, you got rid of the sideburns.
+Gimme the usual.
+He's much happier at work and, well, just between us girls... well, he hasn't been this frisky in years.
+I don't want to think about it.
+Daddy's home, Sugar!
+Homie, my sisters are here.
+Ah, dinner with three beautiful women. I must be in heaven.
+This is Homer?
+Oh, my.
+Patty, stop drooling, huh.
+Look who's talkin'.
+Hey, there's something different about you, Homer. Did you lose some weight?
+Yeah, you look like you got a tan or something.
+I know what it is... a new tie.
+Morons! Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless! None of these cretins deserve a promotion.
+Well, it's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
+Wait. Who is that young go-getter?
+Louder!
+Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson, only more... dynamic and resourceful.
+Simpson, eh? Hmmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me.
+Attention Homer Simpson. You have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say goodbye to your former friends and report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
+Well, your resume seems in order. Besides typing and stuff, do you have any other qualifications I should know about?
+I give great back rubs to harried executives. Here. Let me show you.
+No, no, that'll be fine, thank you, goodbye.
+Hello, Homie. How's my big important executive?
+Oh Marge, every woman I i­n­t­e­rview for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me.
+Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Karl.
+He sounds good. Hire him.
+I'll call you back, Marge.
+Simpson! M­e­eting in the board room tomorrow at two. Just sit there and keep your mouth shut. Got it?
+Yes, Mr. Smithers.
+He thinks he's so big.
+You don't belong here.
+You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony and it's only a matter of time until they find you out.
+Who told you?
+You did! You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the-the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement lime-green polyester. I want you to say to yourself: I deserve this! I love it! I am nature's greatest miracle! Go ahead, say it.
+I... I de...
+Trust me, Homer.
+I de...
+Take a step and say it.
+I deserve this.
+I deserve this!
+SHOUT IT!
+I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!
+I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.
+YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!
+Let's go shopping.
+Ooh. Beauty.
+A man's suit should make him feel like a prince. It should cry out to the world, "Here I am! Don't judge me! Love me!"
+Do any of these suits do that?
+Ooh, I like this.
+No, no, no, no. Stand naturally, Mr. Simpson. Let it all hang out.
+You, conceal it.
+Mom and Dad have been smooching again.
+Gotta run, Marge. Can't be late.
+Happy anniversary, Homer.
+What? Our anniversary? Are you sure?
+Don't worry, Homie. This year you have an excuse for not remembering, what with your job and --
+Happy anniversary, Mrs. Homer Simpson. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, TO ME / YEAH! YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, TO ME / CAN'T YOU SEE / CAN'T YOU SEE...
+Oh, Homer.
+Can't you see!
+Yes, sir. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds.
+YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL... TO ME
+I love you, Homer.
+I love you, Karl -- Marge.
+Proceed, Smithers.
+Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record-high worker accident rate.
+Any suggestions?
+A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.
+We could put caffeine in the water cooler.
+Well those are my ideas! You people don't think, you regurgitate. That's why I promoted someone who's in touch with the workers. You!
+I think you mean him, sir.
+You then! How would you improve the worker situation?
+Well, sir, for one thing we had a problem every Tuesday, when the cafeteria would serve fish sticks.
+Fish sticks? What in blazes are you talking about?
+Well, sir, they cut the head off a fish and chop up the rest into sticks, and then put seasoned bread crumbs on them.
+I know what fish sticks are! Get to the point!
+Well, you only get this tiny little cup of tartar sauce to dip it in and I always run out.
+Will you stop wasting our time, Simpson?
+Shut up, Smithers. Can't you see what he's saying? A happy worker is a busy worker. Three cents worth of tartar sauce could save us thousands of man-hours in labor. I like the cut of your jib, Simpson. Let the fools have their tar-tar sauce!
+Enjoy your tartar sauce, boys! Enjoy! Give me your plates. Don't crowd. Plenty for everybody.
+Hmmm. Brilliant. Who could have ever imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms would pay off so quickly?
+You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level was just as high during Simpson's last vacation.
+My dear tired old Smithers, do I detect a note of jealousy?
+It is time. Give Simpson the key.
+Mr. Simpson, don't sit on that filthy thing one second longer! They've given you the key!
+The key!
+Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
+Oh, hey ho, men. You know I was watching the DuMont last night and I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox. Now there's a man who could get things done.
+Towel please, Simpson.
+Allow me, sir.
+I said, Simpson!
+Sure thing, Mr. Burns.
+Well done, Simpson. Now, walk behind me down the hallway.
+Can do, sir.
+A thousand dollars, Dimoxinil, "Keep brain from freezing." Now I've got you, Simpson.
+Homer, between your hair care products and new wardrobe, we're not saving anything for a rainy day?
+Rainy day. There's never gonna be a be a rainy day, Marge. There's not a cloud in the Simpson sky. And what does my little girl want?
+An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.
+Yea... eh... how about a pony?
+I want you to weave that patented Simpson magic with my executives. A short speech, work work work, you know.
+Uh, well okay, what the hey?
+Excellent. Set you to your task, Simpson.
+Mr. Burns, it is my sad duty to report that one of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan out of a thousand dollars.
+What! Blast his hide to Hades! And I was going to buy that ivory back scratcher! How did he do it?
+He charged the company for dimoxinil. It's a baldness cure.
+Thank you very much, Professor Science! I know what dimoxinil is. Now go and make an example of this hooligan.
+With pleasure, sir.
+Karl, you gotta help me. Mr. Burns wants me to make some speech to his executives and -- what do you want?
+Oh, just thought I'd drop by to tell you that... you're fired.
+Our company does not look kindly upon one thousand dollars worth of insurance fraud. Clean out your desk by noon, Simpson.
+Wait! Mr. Smithers, Homer Simpson is innocent. I did this.
+You did?
+What are you talking about?
+Mr. Simpson was unaware of any impropriety. I take full responsibility.
+Really. Oh, well then, you're fired... whoever you are.
+Here's your thousand dollars.
+Hey, what do you care if this guy's bald?
+My reasons are my own.
+Karl, you saved me. Why?
+Have I done something extraordinary here today? No. I did what I was born to do, what any good soldier would have done when a live grenade threatened his commander. I threw myself upon it and bore its terrible brunt.
+Well, thanks, Karl. I don't know what to say.
+Just walk me to my car.
+Bye, Karl. I'm gonna miss you.
+Bye, Mr. Simpson.
+Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today?
+Whoa...
+Hey, what's happenin', hip cats?
+No way!
+It's gotta be a fake!
+It's like, realsville, Daddy-o.
+Bart, what are you doing?
+Why you little...
+Boy must die.
+I love you, Dad.
+Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You ruined your father. You've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary.
+Homer, why don't you just call the pharmacy and --
+I don't have a thousand bucks! But you do, don't you, Marge? You do... you do. You've been squirreling it away, haven't you? Saving it for a rainy day, that's what you said, right? Right? Right?
+Dad is taking this in a less than heroic fashion.
+Oh Homie, I'm so sorry.
+You've got that big speech in five minutes, Simpson. Huh, you're not gonna hang yourself, are you?
+Dear Mr. Simpson: I have taken the liberty of preparing your speech on the enclosed numbered three-by five cards. All the big words are spelled phon-et-ic-al-ly. God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special creatures. Your obedient servant, Karl. Good luck, sir.
+Karl! So that wasn't just a sweet voice I heard inside my head. What are you doing here?
+I just came to say goodbye to the gals in the typing pool.
+Yeah, well, thanks for the speech, Karl, but I can't give it. Look at me!
+I guess I haven't taught you anything.
+What do you mean?
+Don't you see? The tartar sauce, the bathroom key -- drying your boss's hands. You did it all! It was never the hair. You did it, because you believed you could, and you still can.
+No, I can't. I'm just a big fool.
+Oh no, you're not.
+How do you know?
+Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool.
+Now go get 'em, tiger.
+And now, with some fresh insights, one of the rising young stars of our nuclear family, Homer Simpson.
+What in blazes? Who is that old geezer? And what has he done with Homer Simpson?
+He is Homer Simpson, sir.
+A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this.
+He's crazy!
+Yet we at this power plant are doing this every hour of every day. Bloated inventories, outmoded production methods -- I can save this company millions of dollars a year. How? Through Jiko Kanri, the Japanese art of self-management. You see, in the West... the long term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost... for a net savings of...
+Five thousand two... I mean... Lots of money.
+Mr. Burns' office. Right now.
+Dead man comin' through.
+Well, well, well! Our dashing young junior executive! You made a hollow mockery of our morning meeting, Simpson. I should fire you on the spot! But I'm not going to.
+Uh, why?
+Simpson, how old do you think I am?
+I don't know... a hundred and two?
+I am only eighty-one. You may find this hard to believe... but in my salad days, my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blond curls.
+Ooh, I was big man on campus until my senior year, when I became as bald as a plucked chicken. You see, Simpson, I too know the sting of male-pattern baldness. That's why I'm giving you your old job back.
+What! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.
+Now get out of here before I reconsider.
+Oh, better hurry up.
+Homer, are you still awake?
+I've never been more awake in my life.
+What's wrong?
+Are you kidding? I'm stuck in that dead-end job again. The kids are gonna hate me cause I can't buy them all that stuff I promised 'em, and you're not gonna love me as much cause I'm ugly and bald.
+Oh, Homer. Your job has always put food on our table, and the kids'll get over it.
+And... and?! What about loving me?
+Oh, Homer, honey. Come here.
+Come here. "YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME / YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME / CAN'T YOU SEE? / YOU'RE EVERYTHING THAT I HOPED FOR /
+I'M EVERYTHING YOU NEED /
+HOMER MARGE
+to me."
+Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don't understand it. Kids worshiping ghosts, pretending to be devils... things on T.V. that are completely inappropriate for younger viewers. Things like the following half hour. Nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is really scary, so if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight, instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.
+Oooo! What a haul this year. I love Halloween.
+Wait a minute. Let's see what the kids are up to.
+... and the policeman on the other end of the phone said, "We have traced the call. It's coming from the floor below you. Get out of the house!" But it was too late. End of story.
+Yawn. I heard that when I was in the third grade. It's not scary.
+Is too.
+Is not.
+Is too.
+Is not.
+Is too.
+Is not.
+Fine. Then you tell one scarier.
+Flashlight, please.
+Here's a story that's really scarifying.
+Oh, brother.
+I call it "Bad Dream House."
+That's all of it. Sign here.
+There you are, my man. And a dollar for yourself.
+A buck! I'm glad there's a curse on this place.
+Huh? Well... it's all ours!
+I still can't believe how inexpensive it was.
+Motivated seller, Marge.
+Well, he certainly must have been motivated. Prime location, eighteen bedrooms, moat... we shouldn't be able to afford this.
+So we got a good deal for once. Quit fighting it.
+It just seems too good to be true.
+Ow! Mom! Bart threw a book at me.
+Did not.
+Did too.
+Did not.
+Did too.
+Get out!
+What on earth was that?
+Probably just the house settling.
+Hmmm. This kitchen certainly could use a woman's touch.
+Homer! What's this thing in the corner?
+I don't know.
+It looks like a vortex -- a gateway into another dimension.
+Ooh, a vortex.
+Hey! Pretty slick!
+Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.
+Mom! Dad! Help!
+Get... Out!!!
+Okay boy, let's see you talk yourself out of this one.
+I can feel an evil presence in this house.
+Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother.
+Children, get your coats. We're leaving this house right now.
+Now wait a minute, Marge. It's only natural there would be some things wrong with an old house like this. It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem? we get a bunch of priests in here...
+I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
+Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars! We're talking about a few thousand dollars!
+It's got great high ceilings.
+Tell you what -- let's sleep on it. Okay?
+All right. But if anything happens...
+What could happen?
+They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all. They all must die.
+Are you my conscience?
+I... yes, I am.
+Liiii-saaa! Liii-saaa! The butcher knife, Lisa.
+They are all against me! They all must die!
+Marge! Oh, Marge!
+I'm in the kitchen, Homer!
+Die! Die! Everybody die!
+What's going on out here? Homer! Bart! Lisa! Maggie! Stop it!
+Sorry... Sorry Bart. sorry, mom... sorry Maggie... sorry Lisa.
+That's okay.
+That does it. Children, get dressed. We're leaving.
+Aw, come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it.
+I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences, and we've squabbled, but we never had knife fights before... and I blame this house.
+Mom! Dad! Look!
+It's an ancient Indian burial ground.
+Man, this place has got everything!
+An ancient Indian what...?
+Mr. Ploot? Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground. No you didn't! Well, that's not my recollection... Yeah! Well... all right, goodbye. He says he mentioned it five or six times.
+Let's go, children.
+Aw, gee, Marge.
+Homer...
+Not to worry. I'll just turn on the trusty bug zapper.
+Do you get HBO?
+You will die, you will die slowly. Your stomach will swell, your intestines will writhe and boil, your eyes will burst; and some horrible stuff, possibly your brains, will start coming out through your nose...
+Shush! Shut up! Quit trying to push us around. Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners.
+Look at me. I've never been so angry. My hands are shaking.
+Better than your eyes bursting. Ewww!
+Do it again.
+Make the walls bleed.
+Hey, man. We own you. Let's see some blood.
+I don't have to entertain you.
+Come on man, do it! Do the blood thing! Come on, do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
+Why are you trying to scare us? Are you trying to keep us from getting close to you... maybe even loving you?
+Leave me alone.
+Don't talk to her like that.
+Hey, listen lady...
+Oh, don't call me lady. My name is Marge Simpson, this is my family and we're not going anywhere. We're all going to have to live together, so you better get used to it... please.
+Can I have a minute to think about this?
+Hmmm. Life with the Simpsons. What choice do I have.
+Bitchin'!
+It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.
+That wasn't scary at all, Bart.
+Oh, yeah? Well how about... this severed finger!
+Eww, baby spit.
+Heh... heh... heh.
+Well that last story was just a warm-up for this macabre tale, which I call, "Hungry Are The Damned."
+Homer, all these flies.
+Oooo! That was a big mama. Heh, heh, heh.
+That should just about do it. Man alive, there's nothing better than a hamburger grilled to perfection...
+Cool man!
+The burgers are getting cold, guys. Holy moly.
+Greetings Earthlings, I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.
+You... you speak English.
+I am actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same.
+Well, what are you gonna do with us, man?
+Kodos and I are taking you to Rigel Four. A world of infinite delights to tantalize your senses and challenge your intellectual limitations...
+Look, I know that to you we Simpsons are a lower order of life. We face that prejudice every day of our lives, but we are happy on our little planet. We throw ourselves on your mercy. Please return us to...
+Dinnertime.
+Hey! Get a load of that spread.
+Here you go, earthlings. Take all you want. Eat all you take.
+Well, thank you very much, Mr....?
+To pronouce it correctly, I would have to pull out your tongue.
+Fried shrimp.
+Sloppy Joes!
+Smothered pork chops.
+Look, Homer! Radish rosettes. These are hard to make. They are a very advanced race.
+Come Earthlings, eat. Grow large with food.
+There's something not quite right about this.
+The girl's right. Let's get some applesauce out here for these pork chops.
+What are you lookin' at, buddy?
+Your wife is quite a... dish.
+Oooh, thanks.
+It's our great pleasure to provide you with unlimited entertainment on your intergalactic journey. On this cable system we receive over one million channels from the furthest reaches of the galaxy.
+No, that would cost extra.
+And over here is our crowning achievement in amusement technology. An electronic version of what you call table tennis. Your primitive paddles have been replaced by an electronic...
+Hey, that's just Pong!
+Get with the times, man.
+Marge and I played that old game before we were married.
+Well, we did build this space ship, you know?
+Anyone from a species that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand.
+All right, then.
+Sorry. Your game is very nice.
+Dinner time.
+Hey, how come we never see you guys eat?
+Oh, we wouldn't want to spoil our appetite for... the great feast when we land on Rigel Four.
+Oooh, a feast.
+Will we be invited?
+Oh, you'll be at the feast. I have a feeling you'll be the guests of honor.
+Tell us more about this feast.
+No, no, eat now.
+When we arrive, there will be plenty of time to chew the fat.
+Very good, earth boy.
+Excellent, Mr. Simpson. Excellent.
+This will give the humans the perfect flavor.
+Don't you see what's happening here? They're fattening us up so they can eat us.
+If you don't believe me, look at this book I found.
+Marge, she's right.
+Humans, you have stopped eating.
+Listen, you big stupid space creature. Nobody, but nobody eats the Simpsons.
+I beg your pardon.
+Don't play dumb with me. We found your book.
+You mean this? It's a harmless cookbook. It's just a little dusty.
+Wait a minute!
+Wait, there's still more space dust on here.
+Let me get this straight. You thought...
+They thought we were going to eat them.
+Good God! Is this some kind of joke?
+No, they're serious...
+Well, why were you trying to make us eat all the time?
+Make you eat? We merely provided a sumptuous banquet and, frankly, you people made pigs of yourselves.
+I slaved in the kitchen for days for you people and...
+Well, if you wanted to make Serak the Preparer cry, mission accomplished.
+You aren't the only beings who have emotions you know.
+We offered you paradise. You would have experienced emotions a hundred times greater than what you call love, and a thousand times greater than what you call fun. You would have been treated like gods and lived forever in beauty. But, now because of your distrustful nature, that can never be.
+For a superior race, they really rub it in.
+There were monsters on that ship. And truly we were them.
+Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good?
+Way to go, Lis.
+Yeah, thanks Lisa.
+Hello, something scary happening.
+Hey, Poindexter. It's Halloween, put the book away.
+For your information, I'm about to read you a classic tale of terror by Edgar Allan Poe.
+Wait a minute. That's a schoolbook.
+Don't worry, Bart. You won't learn anything.
+It's called, "The Raven."
+Once upon a midnight dreary,
+while I pondered, weak and weary,
+Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore -- While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
+Like what?
+As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
+'Tis some visitor,
+I muttered,
+-- tapping at my chamber door -- Only this and nothing more.
+Are we scared yet?
+Bart, he's establishing mood.
+Ah, distinctly I remember. It was in the bleak December, And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished the morrow; -- vainly I had sought to borrow from my books surcease of sorrow:
+-- sorrow for the lost Lenore --
+Oh, Lenore.
+For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore -- Nameless here for evermore.
+And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain thrilled me -- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating;
+'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -- This it is and nothing more.
+Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer;
+-- said I --
+-- or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you.
+Here I opened wide the door; --
+This better be good.
+Darkness there and nothing more.
+You know what would have been scarier than nothing?
+Anything!
+Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning, Soon again I heard a tapping something louder than before.
+Surely --
+-- said I --
+-- surely that is something at my window lattice; Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore --
+Mr. Burns in twenty years I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable --
+Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore. Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he, But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -- Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -- Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
+Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou --
+I said --
+-- art sure no craven, Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore -- Tell me... tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!
+Quoth the Raven,
+Eat my shorts!
+Bart! Stop it. He says "nevermore". That's all he'll ever say.
+Okay, okay.
+Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed by some unseen censer,
+Ouch! Censer..
+Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
+Wretch --
+I cried --
+-- thy God hath lent thee -- by these angels he hath sent thee. Respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore! Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!
+Quoth the Raven,
+Nevermore.
+Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!
+I shrieked of starting,
+Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore! Oh, leave no black plume as a token of the lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
+Quoth the Raven,
+Nevermore.
+Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
+Quoth the Raven,
+Nevermore.
+Why you little --!
+Come back here now, Raven
+Nevermore. Nevermore. Nevermore. Nevermore. Nevermore.
+And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting, On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, Shall be lifted -- nevermore!
+Lisa, that wasn't scary. Not even for a poem.
+Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then.
+Well yeah, like when you look at "Friday The 13th, Part I," it's pretty tame by today's standards.
+Children, bedtime.
+I guess I'll have no trouble gettin' to sleep tonight.
+Oh no, Marge. Come on, please.
+Homer, I am not sleeping with the lights on. They're just children's stories. They can't hurt you.
+Oh... oh, I hate Halloween.
+So kids, caught anything?
+Not yet, sir.
+Uh-huh. Ah, What are you using for bait?
+My brother's using worms but I who feel that tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
+I see. And uh, what's your name, son?
+I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
+I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and uh, I must say that in my day we didn't talk that way to our elders.
+Well, this is my day and we do, sir.
+All right! We eat tonight!
+Wait a minute. One, two, three.
+Well leave it to good old Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.
+Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time.
+Like getting Washington's birthday and Lincoln's birthday back as separate paid holidays. President's Day! Pfft. What a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and day out --
+You're late for work, Homer.
+So... Someone will punch in for me.
+Try not to spill anything, Dad.
+Keep those mutants comin', Homer.
+I'll mutant you.
+Oh, man. Plain cake donuts? Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys. Why can't I ever get here on time?
+Hi, ho, faceless employees. In a few moments the government inspection team will be touring your plant so look busy and keep your mouths shut. That is all.
+Very stirring, sir.
+Uh oh. Here they come.
+Hold me, Smithers.
+Okay men, Geiger counters on.
+I suppose that's normal background radiation? The kind you would find in any well-maintained nuclear facility? Or, for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.
+Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
+I'm as shocked as you are.
+Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
+Now, that shouldn't be.
+Yeah. Well that's always been like that.
+Uh, uh, just resting my eyes.
+Ah, well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
+Monitoring station unmanned.
+Look here, Inspector. Could I speak to you privately I-in my office?
+Oh, look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room and hopefully, when we return the pile of money will be gone.
+Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.
+Burns, if I didn't know better I'd think you were trying to bribe me.
+Is there some confusion about this?
+Take it! Take it, take it, you poor schmoe.
+Mr. Burns, I am going to overlook this felony. However, I will not overlook the three hundred and forty-two violations I have observed at your plant today. Either bring this place up to code or we'll shut it down. Good-day.
+Oh, well... a little dab of paint here, a little spackle there... how much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?
+Hmmm, approximately fifty-six million dollars, sir.
+Fifty-six million!
+Don't hit me, sir.
+Oh, that I had the strength to take it out on you, Smithers. Now please go. I would be alone.
+ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD / MADE IT RUN / MADE IT RACE AGAINST TIME/ ONCE I BUILT A RAILROAD / NOW IT'S DONE / BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE A DIME./ HALF A MILLION BOOTS WENT SLOGGING THROUGH HELL / I WAS THE KID WITH THE DRUM.
+Empty! Bah!!
+Ah! Uh... I'm just resting my eyes. Holy moly! Nine-thirty.
+Hello, Marge. Sorry I didn't call but it's been a madhouse down here... Yeah, these twelve hour days are killin' me.
+Echo, echo...
+HEY DON'T YOU REMEMBER / THEY CALLED ME AL / IT WAS AL ALL THE TIME / HEY DON'T YOU REMEMBER / I'M YOUR PAL / BUDDY, CAN'T YOU SPARE A DIME.
+Huh? What th... Uh, Mr. Burns?
+Sorry, sir. It's just me, Homer Simpson. Is everything all right?
+Working late, Simpson?
+Uh... uh yes, sir.
+You and I are a dying breed, Simpson. I'm going to share something with you. Hop in.
+Ooooh, cushy.
+Homer, they're trying to shut us down.
+They say we're contaminating the planet.
+Well, nobody's perfect.
+Why can't the government just get off our backs?
+You know, I was just telling the wife that if I was governor, I'd do things a lot differently.
+Oh, get off your soapbox, Simpson! Do you realize how much it costs to run for office? More than any honest man can afford.
+I bet you could afford it, though.
+Uh... don't get me wrong. I mean you're an honest man. I just meant that you could afford to run for governor, if you felt like it. 'Course I'm just rambling because... uh... because you keep staring at me like that, but, but it's true. I mean, if you were governor, you could decide what's safe and what isn't.
+Where are we going, sir?
+To create a new and better world.
+If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?
+Well, he's got my vote.
+Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
+Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her. I'm for Monty Burns.
+Oooo, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy.
+Well, frankly, I don't see how one of the most despicable men who ever lived has a chance against Mary Bailey, the most beloved governor our great state has ever known.
+Now, here's the problem as I see it: While Governor Bailey is beloved by all, ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse. That's why we've assembled the finest campaign team money can buy. This is your speech writer...
+Huh uh.
+your joke writer...
+Huh uh.
+your spin doctor...
+Huh uh.
+your make-up man...
+and your personal trainer.
+Their job... to turn this Mr. Burns...
+...into this.
+Why are my teeth showing like that?
+Because you're smiling.
+Ah. Excellent. This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for. But, but how do we turn your average Joe Sixpack against Mary Bailey?
+With this team of investigators: your muckraker...
+How do you do.
+Your character assassin...
+Nice to meet you.
+your mudslinger...
+your garbologist.
+Their job is to turn Mary Bailey from this...into this.
+Visual aids help so much. Thank you.
+But first, there's a burning issue that we need to address and neutralize immediately.
+I hate that fish!
+Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon. Please stay tuned for a paid political announcement brought to you by the Friends of Montgomery Burns.
+Burns! Change the channel.
+You change it.
+No, you change it.
+I changed it last week.
+Fine. Be a jerk. Then we'll just sit here and watch it.
+Oh, no. An election! That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?
+Sorry, Barney.
+I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.
+Oh, Marge. What's the big deal? I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
+Thirty seconds to air, Mr. Burns.
+Now, remember to smile.
+I am smiling.
+You'll have to do better than that.
+How's this?
+There you go.
+I'm going to be sore tomorrow.
+Well, we've done all we can, Mr. Burns. The rest is up to you.
+Oh, don't worry --
+-- by the time this paid political announcement is done, every Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hand.
+Oh, hello friends. I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor, and I'm here to talk to you about my little friend, here. Blinky.
+Many of you consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation. Nothing could be further from the truth. But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks.
+Hello, Mr. Burns.
+Oh hello, Charles. Be a good fellow and tell our viewers about your theory of natural selection.
+Glad to, Mr. Burns. You see, every so often Mother Nature changes her animals giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs or, in this case, a third eye. And if these variations turn out to be an improvement, the new animals thrive and multiply and spread across the face of the earth.
+So... you're saying this fish might have an advantage over other fish. It may, in fact, be a kind of super fish!
+I wouldn't mind having a third eye, would you?
+No. You see, friends... if our anti-nuclear naysayers and choose-up-siders were to come upon an elephant frolicking in the waters next to our nuclear power plant, they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear bogeyman.
+The truth is this fish is a miracle of nature with a taste that can't be beat. Mmmm mmmm. So, to summarize: Say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows. But stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky. Good night and God bless.
+ONLY A MORON/ WOULDN'T CAST HIS VOTE/FOR MONTY BURNS.
+Wow! Super fish!
+I wish the government would get off his back.
+That Burns is just what this state needs... young blood.
+I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.
+Homer... I'm a Bailey Booster.
+Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a Burns Booster. Ow!
+Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you're up six points.
+Giving me a total of...
+Six. But we're on our way!
+My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment.
+And I say taxes are too high!
+Have you found any dirt on Mary Bailey?
+Well, we've gone through her garbage...
+We've talked to her maid...
+And so far, the only negative thing we have found is from some guy who dated her when she was sixteen.
+Ah, and?
+He felt her up.
+Bah! Not good enough!
+We're gonna send - a message - to those bureaucrats - down there in the State Capital!
+Is your boss Governor yet?
+Not yet, son. Not yet.
+The voters now see you as imperial and God-like.
+Hot dog!
+But there's a downside to it. The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with the common man.
+Oh, dear. Heaven forefend.
+Which is why the night before the election, we want you to have dinner at the home of one of your workers.
+Oh. I get your angle. Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this God-forsaken state will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punchclock. The media will have a field day!
+The only question is -- can we find someone common enough...
+Well, I... I knew there would be sacrifices.
+Ah... great toast, Marge. Hmmm. Oh, by the way, the night before the election Mr. Burns is coming over for dinner.
+And some reporters and camera crews, but you don't need to feed them.
+Cool man! A media circus.
+Absolutely not!
+Come on, Marge.
+Huh uh. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
+Kids, please leave the room. I don't want you to see this.
+Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
+We're hoping that one of the children might pop up with a question about the upcoming election. Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinner time tomorrow?
+"Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?"
+Very good.
+Hmmm. Well as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable?
+No, dear. The card question will be fine.
+Well I think the non-card question is a valid one.
+Marge! Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinner time tomorrow.
+Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.
+And finally, Mr. Burns wants you to appear very affectionate to him. But we must remind you, he hates being touched.
+Marge, get back in bed.
+No, I'm just fine right here.
+What's wrong? I just want to snuggle.
+Well, I don't feel like snuggling.
+What's that got to do with it?
+I don't want to snuggle with anybody who's not letting me express myself.
+But you do get to express yourself. In the lovely home you keep, and the food you serve.
+Okay, Homer. Fair enough. You got it! All right! Good! That's it. That's how I'm gonna express myself. That's right. Goodnight.
+Well, what do we think?
+Hey! Hello, handsome!
+Hey, get that stuff off his face. We're here to have dinner with the common man, not Tyrone Power.
+The latest polls are in. It's dead even -- fifty-fifty. This cornball stunt is gonna put us over the top.
+Whoa! He's here!
+Hello, Homer. Marge, you look dazzling. Oh, and look, I've brought noodle kugel.
+Bad dog! Bad neighbor dog! Here, let me help you up, Mr. Burns.
+I love dogs... babies, too.
+Aaaah... kitty, kitty.
+Are you all right, Mr. Burns?
+Oh, of course. A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite.
+The latest polls are in. The statesman-like way you handled the pet incident has put you over the top. You're ahead fifty-one to forty-nine. Congratulations, Mr. Governor!
+Excellent.
+Bart, would you like to say grace?
+Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothin'.
+He's smokin'. He's smokin'.
+"You know, Mr. Burns, my family and I feel that taxes are too high. Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue?"
+Goodness! I didn't realize this casual dinner was going to turn into a charged political debate.
+I was only reading what the card...
+Homer, I agree with you and, if I'm elected governor , I will lower taxes whether those bureaucrats in the State capital like it or not.
+Lisa, do you have a question you would like to ask your Uncle Montgomery?
+Yes, sir. A very inane one. Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?
+Oooh, a tough question, but a fair one. Lisa, there's no single answer. Some voters respond to my integrity. Others are more impressed with my incorruptibility... still others by my determination to lower taxes, and the bureaucrats in the state capital can put that in their pipes and smoke it.
+Oh Mom, that felt awful.
+I'm sorry, dear. It will all be over soon.
+But Mom, we've become the tools of evil.
+Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight and one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.
+...some can't even get a fair shake, or even a square deal... Ummmm, smells delightful.
+All right! Three eyed fish!
+Can I have your plate, Mr. Burns?
+Ruined before it hit the ground.
+Get me the city desk...
+Here's your headline, Phil: "Burns Can't Swallow Own Story."
+The latest polls indicate Burns' popularity has plummeted to earth like so much half-chewed fish.
+You must have a few tricks left up your sleeves. Smithers, boil some coffee. We're not licked yet.
+Yes, we are. Come on boys, the old guy's finished.
+Wait! Come back! You can't do this to me! I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!
+Smithers, tip over this table for me!
+Yes sir.
+Homer... Homer... make them stop.
+Uh, Mr. Burns... Uh, Mr. Burns...
+Shut up and wreck something.
+Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.
+She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.
+Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
+You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
+Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams will go unfulfilled.
+Uh oh. You're busted, Dad.
+Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled! Oh no. I don't like the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better. Please. Can't you make it better, huh?
+Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling, and sleeping till noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them.
+Hey, you did it!
+So, Homer. What happened in Capitol City?
+Aw, Barney.
+Come on, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
+Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. And I never want that to happen to me.
+Please, Homer.
+C'mom, Homer.
+Well, okay. It all started on "Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night," down at Springfield stadium.
+Oooh, well, I think we lost 'em. Hey, and we're at the ball park. All right! Two birds with one stone. Okay, everybody out!
+Hey, get on the bus, dancin' Homer.
+You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it to the big leagues, one day.
+What? Aren't we gonna see any washed-up major leaguers?
+Sure, we get a nice mix here.
+I can't think of a better place to spend a balmy summer's night than the old ball yard. There's just the green grass of the outfield, the crushed brick of the infield, and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy.
+Lisa, honey, you're forgetting the beer. It comes in seventy-two ounce tubs here.
+I hope you'll space out the tubs this year, Homer.
+What are you getting at?
+Well, last year you got a little rambunctious and mooned the poor umpire.
+Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the right - no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.
+Ah, the Gammills. Good to see you.
+You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.
+Well, take your mind off contaminates for one night and have a hot dog.
+Put a little smile on his card, Smithers.
+Already there, sir.
+The Simpsons, sir.
+Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps.
+Uh... Simp-sons, sir.
+Huh? Hmmm, oh, oh yes... Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa and uh, "Expecting".
+The card needs to be updated, sir.
+Oh, that's okay. The baby's name isn't important. Let's go, Marge.
+Oh, wow -- there's Flash Bailor! I gotta get his autograph! He used to be a star!
+Hey, Flash! Will ya sign my ball?
+Lousy, washed-up, broken-down... old tub of guts... who does he think he is anyway...
+What's the matter, boy?
+He wouldn't sign my ball.
+Well, he's a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball!
+Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail headin' this way.
+Hey there, little lady. What can Flash do for ya?
+Here you go, Bart.
+"Hmmm, Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, Room 26... How 'bout it? -- Flash."
+Wow! Flash Bailor came on to my wife! You've still got the magic, Marge.
+Hey, Dad, look, you're on JumboVision!
+Hey everybody! How you doin'? Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! Heh...heh.
+Homer... Homer... X.Y.Z.
+Examine my zipper? Why? Whoops!
+Thanks, everybody.
+Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball, the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!
+Ah, they love you, sir.
+Heh, heh. As well they might. You know, Smithers, when I was a young buck, my patented fadeaway pitch was compared by many to the "trouble ball" of the late great Satchel Paige. Spit on this for me, Smithers.
+One hocker coming up, sir.
+What a lame-o!
+I could actually hear the air being torn, sir.
+Oh, shut up.
+Hey, Burns! Hey, "Rag Arm"!
+You throw like my sister, man!
+Yeah, you throw like me.
+Ladies and gentlemen, to honor America, will you please rise for our National Anthem...sung tonight by Springfield's rhythm `n' blues sensation, "Bleeding Gums" Murphy.
+Hi-de-hi, Springfield! Dan Hoard, mikeside. Tonight -- our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The 'Topes are looking to snap that darn twenty-six game losing streak, longest in professional baseball. How 'bout that? -- Our sleepy town is in the record book!
+Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend. You did get me something on an aisle, Smithers? I don't want to be surrounded by them.
+Let's go now... Sa-winggg, batter!
+We want a pitcher / Not a belly itcher!
+We want a catcher / Not a belly scratcher!
+Here we are, sir.
+Oh, no. Marge, sitting next to the boss -- the best night of the year, and it's ruined! Of all the lousy, rotten... this stinks...
+All this means is you can't wave your fanny in public.
+Rub it in.
+Beeer heah! Duff Beeer
+VENDOR HOMER
+Get your Duff Beer
+heah! Beer, right Beer. Didja hear
+here! Duff Beer! that, Marge?
+Delicious frosty beer. Fat lot of good that does me, sitting next to old man Burns.
+Now, Homer.
+I suppose you want a beer?
+Me, sir? Oh, no. Not a chance. Only idiots drink beer.
+Actually, I was wondering if you'd join me. My treat.
+Ohhh. Well, if someone of your stature can enjoy a beer, maybe I'm all turned around on the subject. Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?
+No. Vendor, two, please.
+Two-fifty.
+THE HITTER'S OFF HIS ROCKER / KISSING BETTY CROCKER!
+Good one, sir.
+Oh well, I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park.
+LITTLE BABY BATTER / CAN'T CONTROL HIS BLADDER!
+Will you shut up, I'm trying to think of a name.
+Hmmm. Crude, but I like it. What do you say we freshen up our little drinkie poos?
+Don't mind if I do.
+Well, Simpsie, you up for another wave?
+All right, Burnsie.
+Bases loaded. 'Topes have one out, down by three. Here's the pitch. Swung on and missed! Strike three. Of course.
+Damnation! These banjos couldn't carry Pie Traynor's glove.
+Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the post-game show.
+C'mon! All we need is a grand slam.
+My one game of the year... ruined by pathetic incompetence.
+What's wrong with you people? Let's show some spirit! Come on, get up!
+Your team needs you! C'mon!!!
+As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.
+... There's some nut down in right field, dancin' up a storm! He's really got the crowd goin'. Let's see if he can shake up mediocre slugger "Big Bill" McCloskey.
+Swung on and belted to deep left field! It's going... going...
+It's gone! It's outta here! Oh, my God, the Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game!
+Well, that was certainly exciting.
+Yes. Unfortunately, Homer Simpson's shameless display of exhibitionism tainted the entire evening. I want him banned for life from all company outings.
+I thank you. You're too kind. Glad you enjoyed it, but I can't take all the credit. The batter did his part, too.
+Excuse me... You, sir -- the dancing fella. I'm Antoine "Tex" O'Hara. I own the Isotopes. Would you be interested in becoming our official mascot?
+M-- me? A mascot for a bush league team?
+I should have slept on it. Or at least stared blankly for a while. Perhaps if I'd been unable to think of a nickname, all our lives might have been spared.
+Well, I'm ready to punch in.
+Oh, oh. Hey, cool, man.
+Our lives have taken an odd turn.
+Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer?
+Nope, this was my own bright idea. C'mon, we gotta hurry. Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos.
+For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me.
+'Topes win! 'Topes win! Two in a row! Two in a row!
+A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day.
+Oooh, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie. Woo, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie.
+Hey, knock that off or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine.
+Oh yeah? And where might that be? Oh.
+Helen, I'm in a Caribbean mood tonight. How 'bout giving me "Baby Elephant Walk" with a little reggae kinda beat?
+Go, "Dancin' Homer"! Git up man, git up!
+Lively up yourself, Dancin' Homer.
+Bases loaded, two outs. The good guys trail by a run.
+Here's the pitch... swung on and missed -- strike three. 'Topes lose... 'Topes lose...'Topes lose...
+You wanted to see me, "Tex"?
+Homer, now we both knew when you began doing this you weren't gonna be here forever...
+Oh, oh, oh, I get it. You can't fire the players, so you fire the mascot. You make me sick.
+Homer, I'm not firing you. I just got the word -- You've been called up to Capital City.
+Me? In the majors?
+That's right.
+Wait a minute, Capital City has a mascot. The greatest mascot there is: The Capital City "Goofball".
+Yeah, but he's getting on in years and he needs someone to fill in for a couple of innings a night. Could be a big opportunity for you.
+I'll say!
+Why don't you talk it over with your family?
+Because they might say no.
+This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. I should've listened to the kids instead of my big dumb wife.
+I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Oooh.
+I can't leave Springfield. I was born here and I thought I would die here.
+It won't be so bad. You'll die someplace else.
+Well, what am I supposed to do about friends?
+Phfft. You'll make new and better friends.
+But, Dad. We're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us.
+Homer, I'd be lying if I didn't say that this scares me a little. But we all have a calling, a reason The Almighty put us on this Earth. And yours might be to dance on dugouts.
+You mean -- ?
+Let's do it, Homer!
+Yeah, let's blow this pop stand and never look back.
+Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
+It's not that simple. I've got to convince my supervisor to give me a leave of absence.
+Sure. What would you like -- four years? Five years?
+So, Simpson. You're really moving to Capital City?
+That's right, Ned.
+Uh huh. And all this stuff is for sale, huh? You know, I-I-I... don't know how to say this, but, well...
+Oh, knock it off, Flanders! Don't start blubbering on me. I'm gonna miss you too... not.
+I don't know, Bart. I mean, I'm gonna miss you and all, but...
+Come on, Milhouse. This way we'll be friends forever.
+Well, okay.
+I'm gonna miss you, spit brother.
+I'm gonna miss you, spit brother.
+I can't help but feel that if we had gotten to know each other better, my leaving would actually have meant something.
+Well, we have one quick stop and then it's on to Capital City.
+I can't believe it. Our baby sister in the big city.
+I'll call you every day.
+I'll call you, too.
+Look, he can use a horn.
+Oh, shut up.
+... Some may say that I have been given a bad break in life -- little education, bald as a cue ball, ten years on the same job for the same salary -- but today, as I leave for Capital City, I consider myself the luckiest mascot on the face of the Earth!
+With the fickle fans already forgetting me, I was ready to take the biggest step of my life.
+Well kids, there it is, Capital City.
+Look! The Crosstown Bridge!
+THERE'S A SWINGIN' TOWN I KNOW /,theres a swingin town i know,6
+5346,18,200,Tony Bennett: CALLED CAPITAL CITY...
+The Pennyloafer!
+PEOPLE STOP AND SCREAM HELLO /,people stop and scream hello,5
+5349,18,203,Tony Bennett: IN CAPITAL CITY...
+Kids, look! Street crime!
+IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE THAT MAKES,its the kind of place that makes,7
+5352,18,206,Tony Bennett: A BUM / FEEL LIKE A KING...
+Wow! That's service!
+AND IT MAKES A KING FEEL LIKE/,and it makes a king feel like,7
+5355,18,209,Tony Bennett: SOME NUTTY KOO-KOO SUPER-KING...
+Look, it's Tony Bennett!
+Hey, good to see you.
+"IT'S AGAINST THE LAW TO FROWN /,its against the law to frown,6
+5443,19,16,"Marge Simpson: Oh
+IN CAPITAL CITY. "YOU'LL CAPER LIKE A STUPID CLOWN / WHEN YOU CHANCE TO SEE..."
+Fourth Street and D!
+...FOURTH STREET AND D!/ YEAH!/ ONCE YOU GET A WHIFF OF IT...YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO ROAM.
+The Duff Brewery!
+FROM CAPITAL CITY, MY HOME SWEET HOME / CAPITAL CITY... THAT HAPPYTOWN CITY / IT'S CAPITAL CITY, MY HOME, SWEET, SWINGIN' HOME"
+Capital City -- yeah!
+Awww. Come to bed, Homie.
+Sorry, honey. I'm just a little nervous.
+We would talk about it always. For the first time in our lives, Marge fell asleep before I did.
+Okay, here are your tickets. They're supposed to be good. You're sitting with the player's wives. And don't forget to cheer for me.
+See you after the game, when you're a big star.
+Bart was strangely quiet. Later he explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me. That wouldn't last.
+Omigod! I don't believe it. It's really you, the Capital City "Goofball."
+Hello, Dancin' Homer. Glad to have you aboard. If there's anything I can do for you just squeeze the wheeze.
+The fifth inning will be yours. Everyone is settled in, they've had a coupla beers; the game is official. It's a pretty important inning.
+Wow, the fifth.
+It's also the inning I wish I had a zipper on the front of this thing, if you know what I mean.
+Right, Mr. Goofball.
+Hey, call me plain ol' "Goof". So what exactly do you have planned for us?
+Well, I get up, I dance, I spell out the name of the city... all to the tune of Baby Elephant Walk.
+Aah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend. Well, see you on that field. I'll set 'em up, you knock 'em down.
+Well, hello, everybody. Dave Glass talkin' at ya. We've got great weather here tonight under the Dome.
+Let's see. Upper, upper, upper mezzanine. Hmmm. Yes, these must be ours.
+These seats stink!
+You'd think the player's wives would be a little closer to the action.
+Actually, this section is for the player's ex-wives.
+And then I found out that all the while there was this bimbo in Kansas City.
+Throw at his head!
+Who'd've thought it? A free ticket to a big league park but I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand.
+Red hots! Get your read hots here!
+Oooh, red hots.
+Ladies and gentlemen. Capital City's newest sensation, Dancin' Homer!
+Mmm, these do taste better at the ballpark. Uh oh.
+There he is!
+I was graceful. I was witty. Brother, I was somethin'.
+But they didn't care.
+What's with these people? Why are they sitting on their hands?
+Mom, what's he doing wrong?
+I don't know.
+It was so quiet you could hear each individual smart-ass remark.
+This guy doesn't make me want to cheer.
+Gee, I really pity him. Making a fool of himself in front of so many people.
+These cornball antics may play in the sticks, but this is Capital City!
+The only applause I got was for dragging my carcass out of there.
+Hey, Mr. Showmanship! The owner wants to see you in his office right now.
+I'm sorry, young man; you're just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office... and for God's sake, put some clothes on!
+Well, I guess it's back to good old Springfield.
+Would you like some fruit juice?
+But I can't go back! Not after I've seen the bright lights of Capital City. I'll wither and die like a hothouse flower.
+Now stop it you two. And don't look too down. I'm sure this is hard enough for your father.
+What a family.
+My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home I realized how little that helped.
+So that's it. The costume's buried now. As my son would say, I'm one sad ape-like dude.
+What a saga.
+Hey, you guys are hanging on my every word. I've become the center of attention.
+Yeah, it's riveting.
+Tell it again, Homer.
+Okay. I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular.
+I don't know. They just do.
+Bust my hump all week... stupid grass... supposed to be the boy's job.
+Now, now, Homer. Bart's busy working on his science project.
+You heard the lady, Homer. So please mow quietly. Genius at work.
+"One o'clock -- still just a potato.,one oclock -- still just a potato,7
+5433,19,6,"Ned Flanders: (PLEASANTLY) Hey there
+H'lo, Flanders.
+Doing a little yard work, huh?
+Who told? Marge! Beer me!
+Say Simpson, I-I've got some time-release granules that'll get rid of that crabgrass in just a half-a-jif.
+Crabgrass? What are you talking about? Where?
+Well, ooh, there... there... and uh there's a big patch over there.
+There's nothing wrong with crabgrass! It just has a bad name, that's all. Everyone would love it if it had a cute name like... uh... elfgrass.
+Well, you may be right!
+Marge! Where's the Duff?
+Don't toy with me, woman.
+Couldn't help overhearing, Simpson. I've got some ice-cold suds in the rumpus room, if you'd like to join me.
+Well, uh, okay. What the heck, I've earned a little break.
+Holy moly! It's... it's... beautiful!
+Say, that's right. This is your first visit to the Flanders homestead.
+Well, we've only been neighbors, what? uh, one, two, three, four... eight years.
+There's my little Popcorn Ball. Kissy, kissy.
+Hello, Sponge Cake. I thought you boys might be hungry, so I whipped up some club sandwiches.
+Ain't she wonderful, Simpson?
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, but aren't we forgetting something, Flanders?
+Oh, your beer. Uh, is draft okay? Just put in the tap last week.
+Heh, heh. This is a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland.
+Well, beggars can't be choosy.
+Hey, Dad, thanks for helping me with my science project.
+My pleasure, Study Buddy.
+I've got the best Dad in the whole world.
+Oh, you know how that embarrasses me.
+I know. T'oodley doodley.
+Ah, kids can be a trial sometimes.
+All right, knock it off!
+Uh, knock what off, Simpson?
+You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here. Your family is better than my family. Your beer comes from farther away than my beer. You and your son like each other. Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt. You make me sick!
+Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand.
+I wouldn't stay on a bet!
+One for the road.
+Homie, quit tossing.
+Play it where it lays, Homer.
+Sorry, Marge. But it's just that I'm still steamed up about that jerk Flanders. Lousy... bragging... know-it-all... show-off...
+What exactly did he say?
+Get this. He said... he said... well, it wasn't so much what he said, it was how he said it!
+Well, how did he say it?
+Well... he...
+Was he angry?
+Was he rude?
+Okay, okay. It wasn't how he said it either, but the message was loud and clear... our family stinks!
+Homer, I'm your best friend, but I've gotta say, I've never seen him be anything but a perfect neighbor.
+Oh, he's perfect now, is he?
+Well, he's not perfect, but he is very...
+No, no, Marge. Don't backpedal. You were right the first time. He's perfect. Perfect in every way.
+I'm just gonna go take a walk around the block to calm down. I got a little excited. I'm not perfect... like Ned Flanders.
+Neddie, you're tossing. What's the matter?
+I feel terrible.
+Mmmm, hmmm...
+Sometimes I forget that we have things a little better than the Simpsons. I drag him over here. He has a few beers. You can't blame him for erupting.
+Mmmm, hmmm.
+And then I turn into a snarling beast. Talk about flunking the old turn-the-other-cheek test!
+Well, Ned, maybe I'm not the one you should be talking to.
+You're right.
+Hello, Reverend Lovejoy.
+No, this is Mrs. Lovejoy. Just a minute. Honey, honey, wake up. It sounds like Ned Flanders is having some sort of crisis.
+Ugh, probably stepped on a worm. Hello, Ned.
+Hey, there's Homer Simpson! Oh, what a perfect opportunity to follow up on my letter.
+Reverend, I'm sorry to bother you at this hour but I threw a man out of my house today. I feel like I've violated Matthew 19:19.
+Love thy neighbor.
+Oh. Oh. Matthew, 19:19, yeah, right, right. Well, you know, Ned. The Good Book says a gentle answer turneth away wrath.
+A gentle answer. Well, that is a jim-dandy idea. Bless you, Reverend.
+Dear Neighbor...
+Flanders!
+I don't blame you for being upset with me, Homer. I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.
+Dear neighbor... 
+You are my brother. I love you and yet I feel a great sadness in my bosom.
+Wait! Wait! There's more...
+I think it's terrible. A man opens his heart and you make fun of him.
+"Neighbors forever. Oh, no! Ned Flanders."
+What a sap!
+Read the bosom part again, Dad.
+Now, just a minute.
+I wish this family was as close as the Flanders.
+Okay, okay, all right, all right. She's right! Let's do something together. What does everyone say to some miniature golf, followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes?
+All right!
+Hmmm. I was going to wash my hair.
+And I'm studying for the Math Fair. If I win, I'll bring home a brand new protractor.
+Too bad we don't live on a farm. Let's go, boy.
+Heh, heh, heh heh...
+But I got it in the middle!
+That was just a practice shot, boy.
+Give up, Homeboy. There's a six-stroke limit.
+I know, I know. I can still make this for five. Come on, baby, pleeze pleeze go in. Pleeze.
+Hi, Simpson! Having fun?
+Flanders! What are you doing here?
+Ah, just playing a little mini-golf with the Todd-meister.
+Hi, Bart!
+Get bent.
+Say, now that we're all friends again, why don't we make a foursome?
+All right! This will be fun! Oh, say, you looked like you were having a little trouble there.
+That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it.
+It is difficult, Mr. Simpson. The best strategy is to play conservatively. Hug the rail. It won't go in, but you set yourself up for an easy deuce.
+Oh, well, huh, it went in.
+Good shot, Toddsky!
+Final score: Bart, forty-one. Homer... let's see, six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus six...
+Never mind!
+Hey, look!
+Wow! First prize, fifty dollars!
+Wow! Free balloons for everyone who enters!
+So, my little Bartley, thinking of entering the tournament?
+Yeah, he's entering and what's more, he's going to win, aren't you, boy?
+I guess it's possible.
+Hey, I like that confidence!... but I hope you're not putting too much pressure on the boy. My Todd's awfully good.
+Oh yeah! Well I think the fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week.
+Come on, boy.
+But Dad, I've never won anything in my life.
+Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.
+You brought food...
+Stay, stay. Good dog. Now, keep your head down.
+No, not you. I'm talking to the boy. Keep your head down. Follow through...
+Okay, that didn't work. This time move your head and don't follow through.
+Oh, man.
+What're you doing? That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player, what a violin is to the guy tha...the violin guy. Now, c'mon, give your putter a name.
+Come on, give it a name.
+Mr. Putter.
+Do you wanna try a little harder, son? Come on, give it a girl's name.
+Your putter's name is Charlene!
+It just is. That's why.
+Now, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day I want you to spend fifteen minutes staring at it and concentrating on how much you hate him and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him.
+Who's Charlene?
+I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!
+Hi, Bart.
+Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind.
+Well, I'm worried that you're making too big a deal of this silly little kiddie golf tournament.
+But, Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flanderses.
+Well, I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that?
+Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
+Hi, Bart. What're you doing?
+Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter?
+Absolutely. Eeeeeeeer!
+Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn.
+Right. I am a pawn.
+I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do. Bart, I think I can help you.
+Our journey begins here at the library.
+Hi, Lisa.
+Hi, Mrs. Norton.
+Hi, Lisa.
+Hi, Ralph.
+Hi, Lisa.
+Hey, gang. Okay, Bart, this is the card catalog.
+Let's see, "golf"... Anecdotes, Eisenhower and, Fashion, Humor, Japanese Obsession With... ah, here it is. Putting.
+And, finally, the most important book of all, The Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu.
+Lisa, we can't afford all these books.
+Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
+Oh, heh, heh. Gotcha.
+I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
+Embrace nothingness.
+You got it.
+Become like an uncarved stone.
+Bart! You're just pretending to know what I'm talking about.
+Well, it's very frustrating.
+I'll bet.
+Bart, I have a riddle for you: What's the sound of one hand clapping?
+Piece of cake.
+No, Bart. It's a three-thousand-year-old riddle with no answer. It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
+No answer? Lisa, listen up.
+Let's try another one: If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound?
+I said NOW!
+But Bart, how can a sound exist if there's no one there to hear it?
+Woooooooo!
+It is time.
+The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. All you have to do is hit the ball here.
+I can't believe it... You've actually found a practical use for geometry.
+Bart! What're you doing? Get down from there before the neighbors see --
+Hey, Simpson.
+Flanders, I don't care what this looks like, Bart's gonna mop the floor with your son's ugly butt.
+Well, sir, may the best man win.
+Ah, "may the best man win". The mating call of the loser.
+Now, just a minute, Simpson. I think my son has a very good chance.
+Oh, yeah? Wanna bet?
+Yeah, well, I'm not a betting man.
+Oh, I'm a chicken, am I?
+That's right!
+All right, how's this for a wager? A batch of your wife's delicious blueberry muffins against one of my wife's homemade wind chimes!
+What, are you afraid to make a real bet?
+No, I just --
+You know, Simpson, you're starting to annoy me.
+How about this Henny Penny? If Bart wins tomorrow, you have to mow my lawn.
+All right, and if Todd wins, you have to mow my lawn! And do a decent job of it, for a change!
+Better yet, you have to mow my lawn in your wife's Sunday dress.
+You have yourself a bet, you jackaninny!
+Read that back to me, Marge.
+The father of the loser mows the lawn -- 
+Eh, eh, just a minute. "Loser" is such a harsh word. Couldn't we just say "the boy who doesn't win"?
+Oh man. Fine.
+The father of the boy who doesn't win has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress.
+There you go.
+Now I suppose you both have to sign this. I hope blood won't be necessary.
+I'm game if you are, Flanders.
+Good gravy, what have I done?
+Keep your left arm straight, Bart... rotate your shoulders...
+Look, son, all I'm asking is that you try.
+Okay, I'll try.
+Anybody can try! I want you to win!
+Homer?!
+Marge, give me your honest opinion. This? Or this?
+Good morning, son! Oh, by the way, today's the day of the big tournament, and you'd better win!
+See you downstairs, boy.
+Heh heh... that crazy Marmaduke...
+Eighth hole.
+Aim for the Octopus' third tentacle.
+Twelfth hole.
+Bank it off the pink tombstone.
+Nirvana.
+A state of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.
+Here you go, Bart. A lumberjack's breakfast for my little golfer.
+Mom, Bart is on a strict diet of complex carbohydrates. Steak will make him logy.
+Ohhh, well, what won't make him logy?
+Oatmeal.
+Oatmeal?
+Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats before he or she wins the Kentucky Derby.
+News flash, Lisa! Bart is not a horse. Eat your steak, boy.
+Mom, do I have to?
+Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the finale of what has already been a stirring afternoon of miniature golf. The cream has risen, the wheat has bid farewell to the chaff, and now we approach the championship match with but two warriors remaining: The heretofore unknown Bart Simpson, and Todd Flanders, one of the most skilled ten-year-olds to ever take back the blade.
+Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. But here goes. I believe in you.
+Thanks, man!
+Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
+Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt.
+Oh... Well, Flan-ders, it doesn't matter. This time tomorrow, you'll be wearing high heels.
+No, you will.
+'Fraid not.
+'Fraid so.
+'Fraid not.
+'Fraid so.
+'Fraid not infinity.
+'Fraid so infinity plus one.
+Young Flanders has the honor and will tee off first.
+It's got a chance... Yes, sir!
+Oh, man...
+Tree falling in the woods. Tree falling in the woods. Tree falling in...
+And the battle is well and truly joined!
+Woo-hoo-hoo!
+Mercy is for the weak, Todd.
+If one were to look up "courage" in the Oxford English Dictionary, one might very well come upon a photo of these two gladiators. They approach the final hole in the shadow of the great emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes on the happy side of par. Soon, one man will emerge triumphant. He will drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in this oft cruel game.
+It's okay, son. You can recover.
+Come on, Bart. Remember what Vince Lombardi said: "If you lose, you're out of the family."
+Neither man showing his best form... This sort of pressure can unhinge even the steeliest of competitors.
+This is pretty tense, isn't it, Todd?
+Yeah, my knees are shaking, I've got butterflies in my stomach... but I guess this builds character.
+Who wants to build character. Let's quit.
+We decided we're equally good.
+We want to call it a draw, man.
+Ladies and gentlemen, we have a draw!
+You will forgive an old Brit for crying, but this is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship since Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs.
+Put her there, man!
+Yeah, all right!
+Well, Homer, our kids showed us something today, huh? By working together, we can both be winners. Thank heaven neither of us has to go through with that silly wager. Put 'er there, pal.
+Ohhh, so you're gonna welch on our bet?!
+What are you talking about? Neither boy lost.
+I got it right here in writing.
+The father of the boy who doesn't win has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress.
+But... neither, I mean we're both... I mean, you have to do it too.
+It's a small price to pay to see you humiliate yourself.
+Oh, my best dress.
+Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
+Listen to 'em laughing... This is so humiliating... I'm never gonna live this down... Damn Flanders...
+Halftime, Marge, halftime.
+Ding-dong!
+Y'know, Simpson, I feel kinda silly, but what the hay... you know, it kinda reminds me of my good ole' fraternity days.
+Oh my God! He's enjoying it!
+Bart, cut it out!
+Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
+She took my glue!
+It's not yours, Bart! This is family glue!
+Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving! So glue friendly, or I'll take your glue away and then no one will have any glue to glue with!
+Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
+Oh yeah? Prove it!
+Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue.
+Uh-oh. Here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose...
+Heh... heh... heh. Bullwinkle's antler sprung a leak.
+Uh-oh... it looks like ol' Bullwinkle's kinda got a taste of his own medicine!
+He certainly did, Bill!
+Wait, what did that mean? Did what I say make sense?
+Well... no... not really, Bill!
+Boy, now I know how the Pilgrims felt.
+What're you talking about, Bill?
+Who the hell is that?
+Bullwinkle.
+Who? Wait a minute, who's that?
+Underdog! Don't you know anything?
+Well, I know it wouldn't hurt 'em to use some cartoons made in the last fifty years.
+Son, this is a tradition. If you start building a balloon for every flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'd turn the parade into a farce.
+Maggie, I'm about to unveil my centerpiece to the family!
+Here comes the cavalry!
+Homer, you promised to be nice to my sisters.
+I know, I will.
+It's a tribute to the trailblazing women who made our country great... See, there's Georgia O'Keefe... Susan B. Anthony... and this is Marjorie Stoneman Douglas. I'm sure you haven't heard of her, but she worked her whole life to preserve the Florida Everglades.
+As one of the Simpson women, would you like to contribute something to it?
+Oh, thank you.
+Honey, please. You're in the way.
+Can't I help you, Mom?
+Well, okay. Let's see... Can you do the cranberry sauce?
+Yeah! Where is it?
+The can is in the cupboard on the bottom shelf.
+No, no, no, the other shelf.
+Got it. Now what?
+Open the can.
+No problemo. Where's the can opener?
+It's in the second drawer from the right.
+No, no, no, no, the other one.
+Oh, I got ya.
+It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken. Mom, it's broken.
+I don't think that it's broken, honey. Here, let me try.
+Here you go.
+Ah, cranberry sauce à la Bart.
+Just stick it in the refrigerator when you're done. Bart. Bart?
+See, Maggie? Those silver and blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants them to lose by less than five and a half points. Understand?
+Oh, Kogen's got Wolodarsky open way down field, and it's complete!... Ooooh, what a hit!
+Oh yeah, he's out cold, Gil.
+Oh, yes sir. Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.
+Heh... heh. Hope they can fit a turkey in there!
+Get on with it, Gil.
+Homer, shouldn't you go pick up Grampa?
+Just a few things... Swedish meatballs...
+Mmm-hmmm, and my trout almondine.
+You knew that I was cooking a turkey.
+Which is fine!
+More power to ya!
+It's just that some people find your turkey a little dry.
+Mmm-hmm, and if they want an option... they'll have it.
+Hi, Patty. Hi, Selma.
+Good to see ya. Well, gotta pick up my old man! 'Bye!
+So insincere.
+I don't know how she puts up with him.
+And now, get set for our fabulous half-time show, featuring the well-groomed young go-getters of "Hurray for Everything!"
+Oh, I love those kids! They've got such a great attitude!
+Ladies and gentlemen... "Hurray for Everything" invites you to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth... the Western hemisphere! The dancin'-est hemisphere of all!
+Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some happy news. The following people have relatives who wish they could be here today: Antonowski, Conroy, Falcone, Martin, Thorsen and Walsh.
+Oh, and Mrs. Spencer... you, too.
+Oh, I knew they wouldn't forget me!
+Come on, Dad. Let's get outta here.
+Slow down, boy. What's your hurry?
+This place is depressing.
+Hey, I live here!
+Oh, well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it. Let's go.
+Mom! You made it! How are you!
+I have laryngitis and it hurts to talk, so I'll just say one thing: You never do anything right.
+We better get you some food.
+And the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as "Hurray for Everything" leaves the field! Of course, a stadium's much too big for flash pictures to work, but nobody seems to care!
+That's no way to lay a fire! Where's your kindling?
+This thing's gonna be roaring any time now!
+Even a caveman could start a fire.
+Dinner! Dinner time, everybody! Dinner!
+The hell with this.
+Okay, Lisa, we're ready for your centerpiece!
+Lisa! My goodness! That's very impressive!
+Holy moly! That's the biggest... one of those I ever saw.
+I always said she was gifted. Definitely from our side of the family. Right, Mom?
+Leave me alone.
+How long did that take you, honey?
+I couldn't tell you how many hours. It was a labor of love. It's my homage to some American heroes who may not have fought in any wars, but who nevertheless...
+Da da daah da da dah daaahhh...
+Speaking of heroes, here's mine... Tom Turkey!
+Yikes! What is that?
+It's the centerpiece, Bart!
+Well, it's taking up valuable real estate.
+Hey, Bart, stop it!
+Move it or lose it, toots!
+Now, just wait a minute! I'm sure there's room for both.
+Baaart! You're wrecking it! LET GO! I worked forever on this!
+Hey! That got 'er goin'!
+Bitchin'!
+BAAARRTT!
+You don't even care! You don't even care!
+All right, Bart that's it! Go to your room NOW!
+Okay. I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go... and, send up the pumpkin pie in about twenty minutes.
+Yes, you do! I hope you're happy, Bart! You've RUINED THANKSGIVING!
+I didn't ruin Thanksgiving! She did... Buncha jerks... I always get blamed for everything...
+...And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family's experienced... well, not today. You saw what happened. Oh, Lord, be honest. Are we the most pathetic family in the universe, or what?
+Worst prayer yet.
+Oh, why don't I go talk to her?
+Don't worry, Marge'll fix everything.
+Honey, your food is getting cold.
+That's all right.
+Lisa, I'm very sorry about what happened.
+Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece! Things like that always happen in this family!
+I've noticed that, too. Well, when you feel like coming down, we'll be there.
+Bart, you can come down to dinner as soon as you're ready to apologize to your sister. And it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it.
+Apologize! For what?! Clearing the table? Having a sense of humor? They think they can starve an apology out of me. Ha!
+Uh-oh!... I mean, good!
+Hey, what are you doing?! No! Drop that drumstick! Bad dog! Bad Santa's Little Helper. Come on... gimme that. Gimme that.
+Okay, out you go!
+Hey boy, come here! You're a good dog! Come on, we don't need them to get a Thanksgiving dinner!
+Wow! Swan-ky!
+Mmmm, delicious. Smithers, every year you outstrip yourself in succulence.
+Thank you, sir. Oh, would you like some candied yams?
+Here we are!
+Oh, no! I couldn't eat another bite. Dispose of all this. I did, however, save room for your special pumpkin pie.
+It's cooling on the windowsill, sir.
+Mmmm. Stay here, boy.
+Mr. Burns! This is Base Command!
+...The intruder appears to be a young male, age nine to eleven.
+Release the hounds!
+I saw the best meals of my generation destroyed by the madness of my brother / My soul carved in slices by spikey-haired demons...
+Don't worry, boy. We'll get some grub. Even if we have to pay for it.
+Cool! The wrong side of the tracks.
+Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed!
+Hey, you gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some I.D.
+Here you go, doll face.
+Hmmm... Okay, Homer, just relax.
+At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I'm sorry I came.
+When is that boy going to apologize?
+He sure is stubborn.
+Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?
+Yes, Dad.
+Twelve bucks and a free cookie... what a country!
+Cute little guy.
+He's startin' to come around.
+You look a little pale, son.
+All right. Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva skid row. Hey, it's that anchor dude from channel six.
+Oh yeah. He's doing one of those be thankful for what you got stories.
+Oh, we have lots of names for these people... Bums... Deadbeats. Losers. Scums of the earth. We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter. Or, if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way place. Oh, we have our "reasons": They're depressing. They wear ragged clothes. They're "crazy". They smell bad...
+Hey, listen, man...
+Wait, I'm going somewhere with this. So every year one lone conscience-salving day -- we toss these people a bone. A turkey bone. And that's supposed to make it all better.
+...No, you won't find Freddie the Freeloader, or Emmett Kelly, or even Charlie Chaplin's beloved Little Tramp down here.
+Pompous, blow-dried, college boy!
+You know, his girlfriend is the weather lady.
+You don't say.
+Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written.
+"Howl of the Unappreciated", by Lisa Simpson. "I saw the best meal"...
+It's Bart!
+What show is this?
+And how long have you been on the streets?
+Goin' on five years, Kent.
+Son, your family may be watching, is there anything you'd like to say?
+Yes, there is, Kent. Ha! Ha! I didn't apologize!
+Oh, no! My sweet little Bart!
+Hello, operator? Gimme the number for 911!
+Hey, thanks for your help, fellas. This reporter smells another local Emmy.
+Yeah, we're rootin' for you, guy.
+Hey, you got some place to sleep tonight, Bart?
+Yeah, there's this family I kind of hang out with.
+Sounds pretty sweet.
+Yeah, I guess it is.
+See you at Christmas.
+A...listen, guys I was thinking, uh... unless you'd feel weird about taking money from a kid...I thought maybe...
+I wouldn't feel weird. Would you?
+No, I'm comfortable with it.
+Will you forget the report! He's down at the rescue mission!
+Nah, we checked. He's long gone.
+Can you think of any reason he might have run away? Anything at all?
+Well uh, we did kinda yell at him... and sent him to his room... and tried to force him to apologize to his sister.
+Uh, huh.
+And I said he ruined Thanksgiving...
+Oh... I see.
+Best Thanksgiving ever, eh boy?
+Goodbye. Sorry.
+I'm sure Bart will be back.
+I'd say something comforting. But, you know, my voice.
+Let's go. If I'm not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance.
+Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't blame ourselves.
+We can, and will!
+Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.
+Marge, are we ever gonna see him again?
+Hmmm... should I... or shouldn't I...
+Hey, everybody. I'm home.
+Bart? You're home!
+Oh, my special little guy! We were so worried!
+Oh it's great to have you back, boy! We were afraid we'd lost you!
+Welcome back. Bart! I'm sorry we had such a terrible fight.
+Bart, isn't there something you'd like to say to your sister?
+Okay. I'm sorry, too.
+No, no, no! That won't do at all!
+Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.
+Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me!
+Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me.
+Now we can blame him for everything.
+It's your fault I'm bald!
+I'm sorry.
+It's your fault I'm old!
+I'm sorry.
+It's your fault I can't talk.
+It's your fault America has lost its way.
+I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
+I'm sorry all right! Sorry I came back here!
+My wiffle balls, my frisbees, my water rockets... I've hit the jackpot!
+A sellout crowd at the Super Bowl, Simpson down by six with two seconds left! Simpson fades back. He's got Simpson in the open...
+Touchdown, Simpson! The boy nobody wanted just won the Superbowl!!!
+Dear Log, my brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already, that I don't know...
+Hey, Lis! Lisa! It's me, Bart!
+Bart...?! Where are you?
+Shh! I'm on the roof!
+Bart, what are you doing up here? Everybody's worried.
+Really? Did they cry?
+Bulls-eye!
+Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?
+Ah, come on...
+Was it because you hate me, or because you're bad?
+I don't know! I don't know why I did it! I don't know why I enjoyed it! And I don't know why I'll do it again!
+Just tell me you're sorry.
+Why should I?
+But I only got up to go to the can.
+Damn, no spots.
+Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.
+Leave me alone!
+Just look!
+Okay... okay.
+Hmmm, hmmm. Looking for the spot... Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm... Still checking. This is so stupid... I'm not gonna find anything... Just because I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr... Uh-oh!
+I'm sorry, Lisa.
+Apology accepted.
+You know Marge, we're great parents!
+Oh Lord, on this blessed day, we thank thee for giving our family one more crack at togetherness. Amen.
+Live from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts, the Wrestling Match of the Century.
+Today Rasputin, The Friendly Russian...
+Hey, didn't he used to be the Mad Russian?
+Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed wrestling, perhaps forever.
+And the challenger, from the University of Heidelburg, Professor Werner Von Brawn. That's Brawn with a 'W'.
+Two titans at the height of their careers. Ah, if you ask me, this is going to be one hell of a match.
+Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously. Even a five-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet.
+Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand, the Professor's got his patented coma lock. If you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match.
+Oh, look at that show-off... kissing his own muscles. Boo!
+Rasputin is spinning the Professor like an auto gyro! That's got to be disorienting!
+Hey, Milhouse, crank it up.
+Hey, that's my seat.
+Correction, was your seat.
+Hey, I don't see your name engraved on the bar stool.
+...one...two...three...four...
+...five... six...
+...seven...eight... nine... ten... eleven...
+The ref is issuing a warning to Rasputin.
+Oh, my. Oh, my. Why is the referee permitting this?
+This Saturday, for one night only, your life will be changed forever.
+Saturday.
+Saturday.
+SATURDAY! At the Springfield Speedway.
+Speedway.
+Speedway!
+Don "Crusher" Woodard...
+Jon "The Skunk" Trumane...
+And The Team Tomomatsu Dirt Riding Dunk Masters in the year's biggest...
+MONSTER TRUCK RALLY!
+One night only.
+Plus the amazing...
+The astounding...
+The unbelievable...
+TRUCK-A-Saurous!
+Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing prehistoric insanity.
+One night only.
+One night only.
+One night only! At the Springfield Speedway. This Saturday.
+If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail.
+And if you're in jail, break out!
+Be there!
+TRUCKASAUROUS!
+I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and I think we should all go to the Monster Truck Rally this Saturday.
+Aren't you forgetting something?
+Uh... Monster Truck Rally, growth thing... No, I don't think so.
+Lisa's recital is Saturday night.
+I'll be playing my first solo. If you miss it on Saturday, I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.
+But Truckasaurous is one night only!
+Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?
+Now, come on, you two. What time does your little truck game start?
+Eight o'clock, but what does it matter?
+Well, Lisa's recital starts at five o'clock. We could go to both.
+Marge, you're a genius.
+People let's have good assembly manners. People, people. Quiet down, now, please. Don't make me flick the lights on and off. Thank you. Ladies, gentlemen, parents and music lovers. Welcome to the first in a series of Saturday evening concerts.
+Series?!
+Tonight Sherbert's... ... uh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
+Oh, good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.
+Remember, children, stay together. Five, six, seven, eight...
+That was beautiful. Can we go now?
+Sit down, Homer.
+How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this piece of junk?
+Oh my, Lisa was wonderful. She certainly's come a long way with her fingering.
+Thanks, Flanders. Big know-it-all.
+When's Todd's solo, Dad?
+Shhh. It's coming up, son, it's coming up.
+My son... my son.
+Come on, Flanders, he's not that bad.
+I reached him.
+Homer, drive defensively.
+Sometimes the best defense is a good offense.
+Faster, Dad. Truckasaurous awaits.
+Ooo, I think there's one over there.
+Not now, Lisa.
+Truckasaurous!
+Where, where?
+Pull, pull you dogs.
+Well, let's see here, cracked windshield, melted bumpers, punctured radiator. Teeth marks in the trunk. On the plus side, there doesn't seem to be any frame damage. This check should take care of everything.
+Thank you so much.
+Uh, Mrs. Simpson, um, I'm Leo G. Clark, inventor, owner and operator of Truckasaurous. Let me just say that Truckasaurous feels very badly about what happened, and everyone here at Team Truckasaurous would like you to enjoy this half bottle of domestic champagne for being such good sports.
+Hmmm, well, thank you. Gee, everyone's so nice here at the Monster Truck Rally. Look, Homer, champagne!
+And now Majestic Undercoating is proud to present Ms. Monster.
+Wow, a woman mud-pull driver.
+Another barrier broken. Right on, sister!
+Let the destruction begin! Hey, they forgot my corn dog.
+Gimme some nachos, Homersaurous.
+Here you go, Bartasaurous.
+For our last event of the evening we have a special surprise guest! The world's greatest daredevil. The man who's no stranger to danger. If he's not in action, he's in traction. Captain Lance Murdock!
+Yes, well, we saw a daredevil last night and, well, you know, monkey see, monkey do.
+Hmmm. I think I know something that might discourage him from this sort of behavior.
+Sorry, Bart-dude. It's for emergencies only.
+Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children, I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my most dangerous stunt. I will deaf defy both nature and gravity by leapin' over this tank of water...filled with man-eating great white sharks, deadly electric eels, ravenous piranhas, bone-crushing alligators, and perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion.
+I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood.
+On the chance that I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives so buckle up.
+This is so cool.
+Oh I can't watch.
+He made it!
+Bitchin'!
+He's okay, folks.
+What a fun-filled evening.
+Ladies and gentlemen. The ten year old who's brave and bold. When he's not in class, he's risking his ass. The world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson.
+Bart, Bart. We're home, son.
+Dad, I want to be a daredevil.
+Kids say such stupid things.
+You're crazy, Bart.
+You're never gonna make it.
+Spare me your lectures, ladies.
+Oh, no! He's hurt!
+Let's get outta here!
+Oh, my little boy, .
+Come on Marge, we're mad at 'im.
+Are you all right?
+Better than all right, I got stitches.
+Probably a scar, too.
+Mrs. Simpson, Bart tells me he injured himself training for a career in death defiance?
+Hey, Otto! Can I use that microphone?
+Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies and the legitimate stage.
+This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.
+This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match.
+I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
+Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.
+Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment.
+Amen! Well, Bart, has Dr. Hibbert made his point?
+He certainly has, Dad. I learned a real lesson here today. Thank you. Dr. Hibbert.
+I did it!
+Oh man, you're the king.
+Thank you. How 'bout a hand for these brave little animals?
+Oh, hi, kids. Thanks.
+Okay, field trippers. Off the bus.
+What's the matter, Bart?
+I'm runnin' on empty, Milhouse. You kids get a kick out of my jumps, and I love you for it, but it's all too easy.
+There's got to be a challenge out there worthy of me.
+Hello, children, and welcome to Springfield Gorge.
+Man, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one'd ever find it.
+Otto, I'm gonna leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
+You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
+But I want to tell them about my jump.
+Oh, okay.
+May I have you attention, please. This Saturday I will be jumping over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. There is a good possibility I will plunge to my bloody death. Hope to see you there, thank you.
+Springfield Gorge? Bart, you'll be killed!
+Lisa, I don't know how to explain this, but I get the same thrill out of jumping over stuff that you do from... reading.
+Please, before you do anything, there's someone I'd like you to talk to.
+Thank you for arranging this, Dr. Hibbert.
+Oh anything I can do to stem the tide of entertainment-related injury. Now, children you're about to meet the world's greatest daredevil, Lance Murdock.
+Lance, this is Lisa and Bart Simpson. Bart is one of your biggest fans.
+It's an honor, Lance. How you feeling?
+Ow! Doc, I heard a snap.
+Hmm. I'm afraid the bone's broken. Well, that's all of them.
+Don't worry, partner. I've broken that thumb dozens of times. Hey, I bet you'd like an autograph. Nurse.
+Who should I make this out to?
+Just Bart will be fine, sir.
+To Bart: Thanks for visiting me at Springfield General Hospital. Your visit was a ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day. Your pal, Captain Lance Murdock.
+Wow, man! Thanks, Lance.
+You're welcome. Take this thing out of my mouth now.
+Mr. Murdock, my brother is thinking about jumping Springfield Gorge on a skateboard.
+Could you leave me with the young'uns, please?
+What's the matter?
+You didn't mean that. Bart, this isn't one of those phoney-baloney promises I don't expect you to keep. If you make this promise, you have to keep it.
+Now let me start by saying... good for you, son. It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, a lot of people are gonna be telling you you're crazy, and maybe they're right. But the fact of the matter is: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor to daredevil ratio in the world.
+But Captain Murdock!
+Thanks, Lance.
+You're welcome, little pardner. On your way out, tell the nurse I'm ready for my sponge bath. Another fringe benefit. Nurse.
+Springfield Gorge? I thought we settled this daredevil junk.
+Squealer.
+I'm sorry, Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.
+Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge.
+You can't.
+I can and do. Go to your room, Bart! There, I've done it. I'm glad somebody finally stepped in and put an end to this nonsense once and for all.
+Hey, man, you can tell me not to do it, but there's no way you can watch me twenty-four hours a day. And the minute your back is turned, I'm grabbing my skateboard and headin' for that gorge.
+He's got us, Marge. There's nothing we can do. He's as good as dead.
+Homer, you're his father. You've got to try and reason with him.
+Oh, that never works. He's a goner.
+Oh, come on, Homer. A heart to heart talk with your son, you've got to try.
+Okay, okay. I'll try.
+Bart? Bart?
+Bart! What are you doing?
+Ah, nothing.
+You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you?
+Look, I know I can't stop you. The only thing I can do is ask you to promise me you won't jump the gorge.
+Okay, I promise.
+'Cause if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say, ever again.
+Aw, come on.
+I mean it, boy.
+Well, okay, Dad. I promise. I will not jump Springfield Gorge.
+That's my boy.
+How'd it go, Homer?
+You know, Marge, we got a pretty good kid there.
+Well, he's got a pretty good father.
+Where is he? I thought he said noon.
+Aw, he's just doing this to build the suspense.
+Whoa, what a showman.
+Look, there he is!
+Hey, boy. Wanna toss the old --
+Why that little liar! I should... and I was gonna play pickle with him.
+Hey, what gives?
+Boy, I've tried ordering you, I've tried punishing you, and God help me, I even tried reasoning with you, and the only thing left for me to do is for me to jump the gorge myself.
+What? Why?
+Because that way you'll see what it's like to witness a family member stupidly risking his life for no good reason.
+But, Dad, you'll never make it.
+Don't you think I know that?
+Goodbye, son.
+Wait, dad. Don't do it. I won't jump anymore, I promise.
+Ohhh, thank God. Thank God. Thank God.
+I love you, Dad.
+I love you too, son. You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right --
+I'm going to make it! I'm going to make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Woo hoo! Woo hoo!! I--
+You think you've got guts, try raising my kids.
+A dash of rosemary... a smidgin of thyme... a pinch of marjoram...
+You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
+Oh now, Homer, they're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care.
+A sprinkle of chervil, half a teaspoon of turmeric... and a whisper of MSG.
+Marge, I'm gonna build you a spice rack!
+You don't have to go to all that trouble just for me.
+It's no trouble. I've got a whole garageful of tools I never use.
+Hey, kids! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow!
+Hey, down in front!
+Shut up, boy.
+THEY FIGHT, THEY BITE / THEY FIGHT AND BITE AND FIGHT / FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT / BITE, BITE, BITE / THE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY SHOW.
+I knew all this stuff would come in handy some day. Let's see now... ah, here it is. The Complete Handyman's Bookshelf. Volume One. Spice Rack.
+Pick - up - a - ham - mer...
+Wowww....
+Hey, Dad. Can you move your head?
+No, I can't. It's broken.
+Humph... where would an innocent child get the idea to attack her father with a mallet?
+No, Maggie! Bad baby!
+Keep her away from me, Marge! She's got that crazy look in her eyes again.
+So television's responsible.
+Hey, Mom. What're doing?/We were watching that!
+Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore. Ever.
+But, Mom! If you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.
+Really? What kind of robots?
+I heard about the cartoons. Tough break, man.
+Thanks, Nelson.
+Hey, what if you watch Itchy and Scratchy over at my house?
+Hey... That's just crazy enough to work.
+You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week. I told you. My baby beat me up. Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. Wise guy.
+I wonder why Bart and Lisa are so late getting home from school?
+Hey, how come you can watch cartoons but the kids can't?
+Because.
+Because why?
+Because I said so.
+Because you said so, why?
+Homer! I'm trying to work!
+Oh. What are you doing?
+I'm cataloguing the violence in these cartoons. I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before.
+What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
+Heh, heh, heh.
+This is the kind of entertainment they think is suitable for younger and more impressionable viewers?
+Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?
+I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a letter.
+Dear Purveyors of Senseless Violence: I know this may sound silly at first...
+... but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way...
+... please try to tone down the psychotic violence...
+"... in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson."
+Take a letter, Miss White. "Dear Valued Viewer: Thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy and Scratchy Program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection."
+"In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is. So, let me close by saying...
+... and the horse I rode in on!?
+Everybody's looking at us, Marge.
+Well, that's what we want them to do, Homer.
+Oh. Well, how long are we going to have to be doing this?
+Well, I've never changed the world before, so I don't know how long it takes exactly. But if enough people take an interest...
+Hello, Marge! Oh what is "S-N-U-H?"
+It stands for "Springfieldians
+Huh huh.
+for Nonviolence, Understanding and Helping."
+I've started a crusade against cartoon violence.
+Hmmm, hmmm.
+I can protect my own children.
+Hmmm, hmmm.
+but there are many others whose minds are being warped every afternoon at four.
+That reminds me. I've gotta get over to Milhouse's and... uh... play sports.
+All right.
+And I'm going over to Janey's again. We're going to be... um... making the most of our childhood years.
+Have fun.
+We will.
+Oh, oh, baby!
+And what happens when a child grows up with insanely violent role models like these?
+The answer is all around you.
+How many of you were hit on the head with mallets last week?
+I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad.
+After dinner, can I watch cartoons?
+There's peas in my fruit cobbler.
+There's peas everywhere.
+Oop, I guess I'll just go and watch some cartoons.
+No. I'm sorry about the dinners. I'll make up for it tomorrow night.
+Hey, who's up for some cartoons?
+No one.
+All right.
+Hey, tomorrow night, how about making some of your patented pork chops?
+Hmmm, sure. Oh, dear. I can't. I've got three protest rallies tomorrow.
+Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
+Guess what, Sideshow Mel? It's time for Itchy & Scratchy!
+Hey, hey. Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again.
+Please . Stop it. What's going... Who are you people?
+What do we want?
+Substantially-less-violence-in-children's-programming!
+When do we want it?
+What do we want?
+HER GROUP
+Substantially-less
+violence-in children's-program-ming.
+No! You're ruining the show. Oh... Oh... Oh. Stop.
+Please stop. Please. Be quiet.
+Oh, please. All right. I'm trying to earn a living here. All right! Stop! Stop!
+That woman. That screwball, Marge Simpson. We've got to stop her. But how?
+Drop an anvil on her?
+Hit her on the head with a piano?
+Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?
+All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do? You make me sick.
+Hmmm. Ah ha! I'm so funny.
+You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never know mice lived such interesting lives.
+So much needless brutality. I don't know if I'm having any impact at all.
+Don't do that! Don't do that! Hey! Don't DO that!
+Take that you dumb squirrel.
+Mmmmmmmph!
+Where do they get their ideas?
+What is it? What? "Smartline?" Yes, I've heard of your late-night panel discussion show. Well, I'd love to.
+"Smartline!" With our local Emmy-award winning, host... Kent Brockman.
+There she is!
+Thank you.
+Hi, Kent!
+Me and the guys went fishing. Almost caught a catfish this big.
+There's nothing wrong with it.
+Excuse me. Excuse me. He was addressing me.
+I know. There's nothing wrong with it.
+Excuse me. There is! I think that it's a bad influence on children.
+Oh, give me a break! I think that is a bunch of baloney. And here's why. In preparing for this debate, I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing. There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.
+Yeah, and there was something called the Crusades, for instance. Tremendous violence! Many people killed! The darn thing went on for thirty years.
+That's right, Kent. So much for your viewpoint.
+Ah, well, Kent... to me, the high jinks - of a few comic characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm… I'm referring here to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism... stuff like that.
+No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn, dim the lights, turn on Itchy & Scratchy, and laugh myself silly. And what the hell is wrong with that?
+Hi kids!!!
+Oh. I'm sorry, Kent. It's just that when the camera gets on me... ... HEY HEY!!!
+Yes. I'd like to ask all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this to write in and let the cartoon makers know how you feel. Thank you.
+I don't believe this... "I will never watch your show, buy any of your products... or brake if I see you crossing the street." Wow, that's cold.
+"Dear Sleaze Merchant" -- Now, come on, that hurts.
+Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.
+Is this Marge Simpson?
+The Marge Simpson who fixed it so cartoons can't be violent anymore?
+This is Myers. I'm here with the writers. Listen, you're so smart, how do we end this picture?
+Well... what's the problem you're having?
+Okay, here it is. Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone...
+Make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw.
+Okay, a pie. Anyway, Scratchy is understandably upset.
+Huh huh.
+So we figured he could - you know - just grab Itchy and toss him in a bucket of acid.
+Oh dear!
+But then we remembered that this might be interpreted as violence which is morally wrong now, thanks to you. So what's your big idea? How do we end this?
+Well... let's see... Oh! couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy? Then they would both have pie.
+It's different, I'll give you that.
+It's a tool that every home handyman needs. It's a jigsaw! It's a power drill! It's a wood-turning lathe!
+Borrowed?
+It's an asphalt spreader! It's sixty- seven tools in one! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
+One thousand dollars.
+Don't answer yet...
+Oh, sorry.
+... because you also get...
+I was watching that.
+It's time for Krusty.
+You mean we can watch cartoons again, Mom?
+Yes, dear. All you want.
+All right!
+Turn it up!
+Hey kids! It's time for Itchy & Scratchy!
+They love / they share / They share and love and share / love love love / share share share / The Itchy & Scratchy Showwww!
+Lemonade?
+Please!
+I made it just for you.
+You are my best friend.
+Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.
+I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing.
+I think it sucks.
+... Oh, hey, thank you, Maggie.
+Mmmm, this really hits the spot.
+Doesn't it though?
+You really make good lemonade, Scratchy.
+Oh, oh, oh. Thank you, Itchy.
+Wasn't that funny, boys and girls? Well? Wasn't it?
+Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?
+Nah. Come on, Lis.
+Maybe there's something else to do on this planet.
+... but the third bowl of porridge was j-u-u-u-s-t right.
+Hi kids!
+What is it? Is this Saturday?
+So what did you kids do today?
+Sit down, boy!
+And Janey and I went bird watching. We saw a grackle.
+That's nice dear.
+Come on, Lis. Let's go finish our soapbox racers.
+Okay. May we please be excused?
+Wow. What great kids. This is the golden age, Marge. And the parents of Springfield owe it all to you.
+I didn't really expect things to change this much.
+Well, I always knew you'd change the world, for the better.
+This will be the art event of the century. The greatest masterpiece of the Italian Renaissance, Michelangelo's David, on a coast-to-coast tour of the United States.
+Ah, sir. Which cities will be included in your itinerary?
+Eh! New York...
+Hmmm hmmm.
+... Springfield...
+... and if we have time, Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles.
+Marge, get the door.
+What in the world?
+Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination!
+Hmmm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece!
+It's filth. It graphically portrays parts of the human body which - practical as they may be... are evil!
+But I like that statue.
+I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity. Come on, girls.
+What is all this about? What do you people want?
+We want you, to get your big Italian butt outta here!
+"Smartline!" With our local Emmy-award winning host, Kent Brockman.
+Really? Great!
+I'm not. I think everyone in Springfield should see it.
+Hmmm... yes and no.
+Hold it, hold it, hold it... how can you be for one form of freedom of expression, like our big naked friend over there, and be against another form, like Itchy and Scratchy?
+Good question.
+Well... I guess I can't, which is a shame because I really hate those cartoons.
+Oh yeah, well what do you have to say to all those Marge Simpson wannabes out there who wish to suppress David's doodle.
+Um, I don't know. I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time, they probably shouldn't.
+Well... I guess that settles that. I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. Join us tomorrow when our topic will be, "Religion: Which is the One True Faith?"
+Well, there he is... Michelangelo's Dave.
+Oh. What's wrong, Marge?
+Oh, Homie. Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art and instead they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other.
+Hey, don't worry Marge, pretty soon every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come and see this thing.
+Really, why?
+They're forcing 'em.
+Aw, well isn't that nice.
+I-uh. I think the boy's hurt!
+Oh, for crying out loud... Just give him a nickel and let's get going.
+I...a think we should call an ambulance, sir.
+Hey, cool. I'm dead.
+I quit.
+Please hold on to the handrail. Do not spit over the side. Por favor, aguantese en la baranda. No escupas en los lados.
+Great Grandpa Simpson!
+Snowball!
+Please hold on to the handrail. Do not spit over the side.
+We told you to hold onto the handrail. We asked you not to spit over the side.
+Howdy, stranger.
+I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
+Ah, please allow me to introduce myself. I'm the DEVIL! And you've earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart. Spitting off the escalator just clinched it.
+Hey, I'm innocent, man!
+Innocent. Everybody's innocent. Okay, let's just pull up your file here.
+Okay... Hmmm. Seems to be a mistake. According to this, you're not due to arrive here until the next time the Yankees win the pennant, that's nearly a century from now. Ha, ha. Boy is my face red.
+Bart! Bart!
+Um... say... is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
+Oh sure, yeah; but eh, you wouldn't like it.
+Oh, okay. See you later then.
+Goodbye Bart! Remember: Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music!
+Yessir!
+He's awake!
+Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
+I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell. And you were there! And you! And you! And you! You I've never seen before.
+Hey, yeah! Who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance...
+Hutz's the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, Attorney-At-Law. Here's my card.
+It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
+Ooo, classy.
+I'd like to talk to you about bringing legal action against the fiend who did this to your boy.
+Well, the fiend who did this to my boy is my boss. And besides, the doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe. Nothing serious.
+Doctors! Doctors are idiots! There's no telling what kind of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot for the rest of his natural life!
+That's the downside. Now here's the good part. You can ching-ching-ching cash in on this tragedy.
+Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
+How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?
+Mr. Hutz, this is hardly the time or place to discuss this.
+You're right, you're right. When you feel up to it, come over to my office and we'll talk about it.
+Lionel Hutz, Attorney-At-Law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!
+Hello, Dr. Hibbert.
+Hello, Lisa. Well, we've got a nasty bump on our head, haven't we?
+Ow! Quit it!
+And a little tiny broken toe.
+Ow! Quit it!
+Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?
+Hmm. Better let him rest up awhile first.
+Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.
+Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...
+Simpson!
+Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now.
+Uh-oh...
+Ah, Simpson! At last we meet.
+Nice to meet you too, sir.
+Yes. My attorneys have advised me to pay you for running over your child. So I'm cutting you a check.
+... One... Hundred... Dollars! Of course you'll have to sign a waiver, relinquishing your right to sue and so forth... merely a formality...
+A hundred bucks?
+W-well... It's a v-very generous offer, sir. But... his medical bills alone...
+Oh, so extortion is the name of your little game, is it Simpson? Very well. Then you get nothing. I have the finest lawyers in Springfield, Simpson. Tangle with me and I'll crush you like a paper cup.
+Throw him out, Smithers.
+You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns. I can throw myself out.
+Hey! Lionel Hutz...
+Right in here, Mr. Simpson. Any calls, Della?
+Oh, calls! Yes... uh... The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some "freedom" thing.
+Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them. This way, Mr. Simpson.
+You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz.
+Yes... Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, The Louvre...
+Oh... oh well. Mr. Simpson, the State Bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But, just between you and me, I promise you, a big cash settlement. My fee is fifty percent.
+Fifty percent?
+You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace -- a $99 value -- as our gift to you.
+Well... I dunno... You and I might have different ideas about just how big a big cash settlement is.
+A million dollars.
+Whoo ooo! I stand corrected. A million bucks is A-okay!
+Good. Proceed, Mr. Hutz.
+Now, we'll get a real doctor's opinion!
+Bad news!
+Your son is a very sick boy. Just look at the X-rays!
+You see that dark spot there? Whiplash.
+Whiplash! Oh no!
+And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? No. That's trauma.
+Am I gonna die?
+Yes, son.
+No, of course you're not going to die. Everything's fine!
+Will I ever play baseball again?
+But I played baseball this morning!
+That's right, he did. Excuse me, but Dr. Hibbert has been our family physician for years, and he thought Bart was fine.
+Oh, Dr. Hibbert from Johns Hopkins Medical School?
+With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you are not a doctor, the boy's not a doctor, I'm not a doctor. The only person in this room who even comes close is this man.
+Stop, you're embarrassing me.
+Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma in the facial area?
+Oh yeah. Tons of it. Just say when.
+A million dollars! Smithers! I want this Homer J. Simpson fired!
+Uh, do you think that's wise, Mr. Burns? I mean... think of the headlines.
+What about the headlines?
+The press might be critical of you for firing the crippled boy's father so soon after the accident.
+Thank you, your honor. Now, Bart, I want you to tell the jury, in your own words, exactly what happened on the day of the accident.
+Just give me a ticket.
+Well... all right, then. I don't want to seem like an ogre. I'll bide my time. Let him twist in the wind... slowly... slowly. And then... when the papers have found their new "flavor of the month", he'll find out this cat has claws!
+Good thinking, sir.
+Now, let's pretend you're on the witness stand... ...How are you, Bart?
+Oh, fine. Isn't that nice? Bart says he's fine. Wrong!!! You are not fine! You are in constant pain!
+I am in constant pain.
+Dad, may I please make an observation?
+Oh, what? What is it?
+I think this is all a charade to make Bart look more injured than he really is.
+Well, maybe Lisa does have a point. I don't mind you boys doing this in the living room, but in court doesn't Bart have to tell the truth?
+Yeah, but what is truth -- if you follow me. Now, Bart, can you roll your eyes back in your head like this?
+Ah, you mean like I'm dead? Yeah, sure.
+The kids a pro.
+Springfield Municipal Court is now in session. Judge Moulton presiding.
+Your honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.
+I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
+Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
+You wouldn't dare.
+Well, no, I-I guess I wouldn't.
+Calling Bartholomew J. Simpson to the stand!
+Oh, please.
+Hello, Bart. Now, you know the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you, son?
+Uh-huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?
+Yes, sir. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was playing in my wholesome childlike way, little realizing that I was about to be struck down by the Luxury Car of Death.
+Defenseless child at three o'clock!
+Luckily, I was not killed that day. Although sometimes I wish I had been.
+He's lying!
+Now that's believable testimony.
+Now, Mr. Burns, would you please relate in your own words exactly what really happened on the day of the accident.
+Certainly. Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys.
+Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy, darted in front of me...
+Oh, my goodness! Look what's happened!
+Oh, it's not important, sir. Let's drive on.
+Why you despicable, cold-blooded monster. Regardless of what you think, we must summon help, and comfort the dear boy until an ambulance arrives.
+Noooo! Take me, I'm old!
+And that's what happened.
+What are you looking at me like that for? You believed his cock and bull story.
+It's looking good, Mr. Simpson. It's looking very, very good.
+They hate me? Well what trial were you watching?
+Oh yeah, settlement? Fine! Hang your heads in shame, you over-priced, under-brained, glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off with a banana or two.
+...and that ugly customer was the last Indonesian Rhino on earth.
+I didn't know you liked animals.
+Oh, I don't like everything about them, just their heads. Well, would you care for some wine, old buddy?
+Don't mind if I do.
+Bottoms up Simpson, there's plenty more where that came from.
+Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
+Yes. Now then, Homer, old chum, I'm sure you'll agree with me that this trial is an affront to our collective dignity. What do you say, we settle this man to man?
+You mean duke it out?
+Oh, no, I mean I'm prepared to offer you a most generous cash settlement.
+A princely sum...
+Well, a handsome sum that can end this little embrolio once and for all.
+Five hundred thousand dollars!
+Goodness!
+Up-up-up-up. Don't answer me now. Relax, talk it over with the missus, soak in the opulence of your surroundings and dream of what might be. Smithers, let's go powder my nose.
+Well, Marge, what do you think?
+I don't know. Maybe we should take his money and put all this ugliness behind us.
+The fish is in the pan.
+What do you think, Homer?
+I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks I'm an idiot. The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's gonna lose the trial and have to pay us a cool million.
+Oh, I feel faint..
+"Five hundred thousand dollars." I spit on his five hundred thousand dollars.
+Homer, what's happened to you? All this greediness and lying and shifty lawyers and phony doctors --
+Phony doctors? Hel-lo.
+Do you know what I'd settle for if it was up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!
+You better be dyin'!
+And you won't even get that.
+Sorry, offer's expired. I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds.
+Your honor, I would like to call to the stand Mrs. Homer J. Simpson.
+Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
+Yes, I do.
+She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
+Oh, the truth!
+Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?
+Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo with competence and loving care.
+But, wait a minute! I'm confused! This court heard "expert" testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion of him?
+Mrs. Simpson...
+I'm sorry, but my mother always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
+Will that hold up in court?
+No, I've tried it before.
+Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion of Dr. Riviera? And let me remind you that you're under oath.
+Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned about wrapping Bart in bandages than in making him feel better. And he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor.
+And Mrs. Simpson, could you describe for us in your own words Bart's "intense mental anguish and suffering"?
+Well, I don't know how intense it was...
+Huh uh.
+...but, well, I guess he did miss three days of school --
+Oh, three days.
+...although he doesn't really like school all that much,
+...so I guess that may not count as anguish.
+No, it doesn't.
+It was a little hard on me having him around the house
+...all that time.
+Could you put a dollar amount on all these hardships?
+Well, we pay Bart five dollars a week to take out the trash...
+Huh uh.
+I suppose if he'd been able to do it that week, we might have given him the five dollars.
+Five dollars?
+Um-hmm.
+But your lawyer -- assuming he is a lawyer -- is asking for a million? Well, we can't blame them for trying can we. Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson.
+Oh, Marge.
+I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
+I think we should take it.
+A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
+Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
+Yeah, a million dollars worth you treacherous snake woman. No, thank you.
+Some string beans?
+No I don't want any string beans either you two-timing, back-stabbing. Uh oh I better answer. No, thank you.
+Some celery with cream cheese on it?
+No, thank you.
+You know what would've really been cool? If we got that million bucks.
+Bart, please.
+What? We could have bought tons of great stuff, Mom... maids, a pool, fancy sweaters... stop me if I'm wrong.
+Marge, dear. Would it be all right if I went over to Moe's for a drink?
+I don't know if I'll ever come back here. Goodnight.
+My woman's intuition is telling me something... I wonder what... Oh my god.
+Well, that's it. I guess this is the class I'm gonna die in.
+Eh, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born, to the day they die, they think they're happy but, trust me... they ain't.
+Moe, I wish he'd shut up.
+Look, a chick!
+And it's not even Ladies Night.
+Hey, hey, guys. Knock it off. It's just my wife.
+My name is Marge.
+Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.
+Oh, Marge...
+We've squabbled over money before -- never this much -- I mean, I know this is different than that time I washed your pants with the twenty in the pocket, but I--
+No, no, no. You think this is about money? Well, it's not. It's worse, Marge. I'm afraid that from now on when I look at you, I'm not gonna see the wife by my side or the mother of my children. I'm just gonna see the dame who blew my one big chance.
+What are you saying, Homer?
+I'm saying... She's been your wife for ten years, you've had three children together, it's time to be honest with her. I'm not sure I love you anymore.
+But don't worry. I'll never let on. I'll still do all the bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.
+Oh my Lord. Well, I don't want to wait another minute to find out whether you love me anymore. I think that you should look me in the eyes and find out.
+Homer, look at me.
+Alright, alright, look at her if it'll make her shut up. Start with the feet, still angry? Good, good Homer, good. This is tough, need refreshment. Ahh, good old trustworthy beer, my love for you will never die. Alright, alright, gotta look the wife straight in the eyes and tell her.
+Oh, who am I kidding? I love you more than ever.
+I love you too!
+McBain!!
+Sorry to scare you like that, babe.
+Okay, everybody! For the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher... one per customer... domestic beer only... hey, no sharing!
+Is it done yet? Is it done yet?
+Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer.
+Isn't there anything faster than a microwave? Four, three, two, one, ping!
+We have meatloaf!
+Get it while it's unbelievably hot, kids!
+Yum. I've got a dried out end-piece with your name on it, Lisa.
+Thursday -- meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
+What are you getting at?
+Well, you're always trying to teach me to be opened-minded, try new things, live life to the...
+What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that.
+Shut up, boy.
+Well, maybe Lisa's right. Tomorrow night it might be nice to go out for dinner.
+Tomorrow night!? Friday!? Pork chop night!? Marge, we haven't missed pork chop night since the great pig scare in '87.
+Friday night, pork chops. From cradle to grave... etched in stone in God's library somewhere...
+Okay, okay, okay, okay. Where do you want to go?
+Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza or fried chicken.
+Fine. We'll go to Mars.
+There's that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street.
+Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on the playground... but, isn't that raw fish?
+As usual, the playground has the facts right, but missed the point entirely. Sushi is considered quite a delicacy.
+Please, Homer. Can't we try it?
+Please, Dad. This argument humiliates us both.
+If I said no the first time, what makes you think I'm gonna say yes the second time?
+Nothing, but you might say yes the ninety-ninth time.
+Oh, try me.
+Please, Dad.
+Please, Dad.
+Please, Dad.
+Please, Dad.
+Please, Dad.
+Please, Dad...please
+Oh, okay, okay!
+Irashiya!
+Please, do not be alarmed. Our chefs are just saying hello.
+Oh, okay. HELLO!
+This is our karioke bar. Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping with drunken Japanese businessmen.
+I am Akira, your waiter. May I take your order?
+What would you recommend for a family that's not sure they should be here?
+The sushi sampler has a little bit of everything. It is very non-threatening.
+I'll have one of those.
+Make it two.
+Akira, my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel.
+Very good.
+Do you have any giant squid? The kind that drags men to their deaths?
+Not today. And sir?
+It's so hard to choose. It all looks so terrible. Just bring me one of these, and one of these, and one of those.
+What do you think, Master?
+No, no, no. Toshiro, the squid looks like it's been hacked by a blind woodsman. Hang your head in shame.
+Good thing I'm open-minded.
+Hmmm. Hmmm. Not bad. Interesting.
+I'll try this little pink one, here. Hmmm, very good. Another one.
+Oh boy, this fish is dee-lish!
+Hi. My name is Richie Sakai. I'm an anesthesiologist.
+And I'd like to dedi-cate this next song to my wife, Patti. "I WAS BORN IN THE WAGON OF A TRAVELLING SHOW / MAMA USED TO DANCE FOR THE MONEY THEY'D THROW / PAPA WOULD DO WHATEVER HE COULD..."
+... oh, oh, and two of these things.
+Two uni.
+And, Oh, Oh, I don't believe I've tried the flying fish roe...
+I recommend it with a raw quail egg on top.
+You're the doctor!
+WHO'S THE BLACK PRIVATE DICK THAT'S THE SEX MACHINE TO ALL THE CHICKS?
+You're damn right. WHO'S THE CAT THAT WON'T COP OUT / WHEN THERE'S DANGER ALL ABOUT?
+Right on.
+There's gotta be something I haven't tried. Huh? Hey! What's this? Fugu!
+It is blowfish, sir. But I should warn you that one...
+Come on, pal! Fugu me!
+THEY SAY THIS CAT SHAFT IS A BAD MOTHER...
+Shut your mouth!
+But I'm talkin' about Shaft.
+I can dig it!
+HE'S A COMPLICATED MAN BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HIM BUT HIS WOMAN.
+John Shaft.
+Oh, she's here. Cover for me.
+One fugu.
+Not fugu! If it is cut improperly it's... it's...
+Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal, but if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
+I must get the Master.
+Oh, Miss Krabappel, your hair smells so clean.
+Master, you are needed in the kitchen.
+I said cover for me, damn it!
+But Master, we need your skilled hands.
+My skilled hands are busy. You do it!
+Poison, poison, tasty fish.
+Concentrate. Concentrate...
+I want fugu!
+Mmmm. Fan-fugu-tastic.
+Beautiful language, isn't it, Marge?
+For God's sake, don't eat another bite!
+Oh, I couldn't possibly.
+Mr. Simpson-san. I shall be blunt. We have reason to believe you have eaten poison.
+Poison! What should I do? What should I do? Tell me quick!
+Oh, no need to panic. There's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu.
+"Try something new, Homer. What'll it hurt you, Homer?" I never heard of a poison pork chop.
+Hmmm, your wife agreed that I should break this to you.
+No need, Doc. I can read Marge like a book.
+Oooh! It's good news, isn't it?
+No, Mr. Simpson. If in fact, you've consumed the venom of the blowfish -- and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable, you have twenty-four hours to live.
+Twenty-four hours?
+Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.
+Oh Marge, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.
+Well, if there's one consolation it's that you will feel no pain at all until some time tomorrow evening when your heart suddenly explodes.
+Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
+No way! Because I'm not dying.
+The second is anger.
+Why you little --
+And after that comes fear.
+What's after fear? What's after fear?
+Bargaining.
+Doc, you gotta get me out of this. I'll make it worth your while.
+Finally, acceptance.
+Well, we all gotta go some time.
+Told ya. Now, come on. You're gonna learn how to shave.
+Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me. I-I should leave you two alone. Perhaps this pamphlet will be helpful.
+So you're going to die... 
+Hello, Marge? Hello? I'm the one who's dying, not you.
+I'm sorry, Homer. Have you thought about what you want to tell the kids?
+Nothing. It'll just upset them. I want my last hours of family life to be happy ones.
+Well, have you decided what you want to do tomorrow?
+Almost.
+I'm not done yet, Marge. What's that word you use for when you and I... you know...
+When we're intimate?
+Be intimate with Marge.
+Can I just make one suggestion? Can we get up early and watch the sunrise together?
+Ah, watch the sunrise.
+Till six a.m., my dearest darling and my last day on earth.
+Eleven-thirty! Oh, that's just great.
+Marge, why did you let me sleep so late?
+You looked so peaceful lying there.
+There'll be plenty of time for that! I've got tons of important stuff to do.
+Bart! Bart!
+Have man-to-man with Bart.
+Come here, boy.
+Oh, man.
+Nooo, I just want to have a heart-to-heart talk.
+You know, Bart, after me, you're the man around the house, and that means you're gonna have to help out with --
+Oh, come on, I do plenty around here! Lisa never lifts a finger. Why don't you go yell at her?
+Shut up! Bart, this is good stuff. I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "cover for me." Number two, "oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "it was like that when I got here."
+Hey, this is good stuff.
+...and, finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares, and stick one there, and there, and any place you're bleeding. There and there. Don't worry, the blood will hold it right on your face. Now, some aftershave.
+Ah! Ooh! Arg! Son of a -- ! Ah! And that's how we shave.
+Oh, Why you little --
+It was like that when I got here.
+Oh, that's my boy.
+Listen to Lisa play her sax.
+Hi, Dad. Want me to cut out this infernal racket?
+No. Let me hear you play.
+Does a father have to explain? Let's just share your gift, okay?
+Yeah, that's more like it! "OH, I WANT TO BE IN THAT RUMBA / WHEN THE SAINTS GO OVER THERE.... OVER THERE... OVER THERE."
+Simpson, what a pleasant surprise. We were just pulling taffy.
+Gee, the fun never stops at the Flanders house, does it?
+No-sirree-Bob!
+Hey, Flanders, could I borrow your camcorder?
+Okey-dokel. Hey, why don't you and your family come over for a barbecue tomorrow?
+No, thanks.
+Oh, are you sure? We got that new propane beauty just sittin' in the back yard.
+No, I don't want-a...
+Oh, it's crying out to cook up some good eatin'.
+Flanders, I said I didn't -- Tomorrow? Sure, what the hey. I'd love to come to your barbecue. I'll even bring the thickest, juiciest T-bones you've ever seen.
+Mmm Mm, sounds terriff!
+Heh-heh. The joke's on him, I'll be dead by then.
+I'm sorry, Officer. I know I was going too fast. Just give me a ticket.
+I beg your pardon?
+This is a videotape for my daughter, Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave. Oooooooh. Hope that didn't scare you. Well, you're a grown-up now, and unless you've taped over this, you're probably wondering what kind of man your father was... He was a simple man. A kind man. A gentle man who loved his children and...
+Hello? Yeah he's here who is this? Bart's friend Milhouse. Bart! Get your butt down here!
+Huh? Oh, it's you. What do you want?
+Dad, we've never been too close, have we?
+Not to my knowledge.
+Never went fishing, or played catch, or even hugged each other.
+We never danced the Hoochy-Koo, either. What's your point?
+I just want you to know that I love you, Dad.
+You do?
+Huh uh.
+Oh, son, I love you, too. Hey, how about a hug?
+Sonny boy!
+Junior!
+My old man. Well, I gotta go.
+Oh, son, no. We've got a lotta catchin' up to do. What do you say... we go fishin'?
+Well, gee, Dad, if I wasn't on such a tight schedule--
+Well, I ... Oh, let's get some worms.
+Well, no time for that.
+Oh, I really wanted to do that one.
+Gee, Dad. Way to hog my last moments.
+Just a quick game of hacky-sack.
+I love you, son!
+Yeah, yeah. The old guy's a little love-starved.
+Get moving, you hunk of junk. I gotta make up for lost time.
+Whoa! Well, that sounded like an order.
+I pay my taxes and they pay your salary, so when I say "give me a ticket", just give me a ticket.
+Uh huh. Maybe we don't want to give you a ticket.
+Maybe we want to haul your butt in, wiseguy.
+Hey, look what else your tax dollars pay for, huh.
+That's sorta nice. What are you in for?
+Atmosphere.
+Okay, Flash. You get one phone call.
+Wait! I can't call Marge. It's our last day on earth together. I can't drag her into this mess. I know! I'll call Barney.
+Nobody's here... nobody's here... nobody'sherenobody'sherenobody's here...
+Damn those novelty telephone answering machine tapes!
+Thanks a lot, Barney. I just wasted my one phone call on your stupid ma--
+What? I'm home. I'm home. Hi, Homer.
+You gotta help me, Barney. I'm in jail.
+You are? Hey, Homer. Go to the window.
+Hiya, neighbor. I can see you.
+Ju... ju....just get over here and bring fifty bucks for bail.
+Fifty bucks! What'd you do -- kill a judge? Where am I gonna get fifty bucks?
+Mmmm, pizza.
+Why are we all dressed up?
+Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner.
+Why are we using the good china?
+Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china.
+What's with the candles?
+Sometimes it's fun to use candles.
+Why are we waiting for Dad?
+Because we love your father and enjoy his company.
+Why are we really waiting for Dad?
+Heh, forty-eight dollars and seventy cents... You know we don't usually take rusty money.
+You're dyin' and you weren't even gonna stop at Moe's for a last beer with your buddies?
+Hey, Barney, look. It was on my list, along with a lot of other things I didn't get to do today. Hey, my boss!
+Smithers, check out the luscious pair on that red-head. That's it, baby. Work those ankles.
+Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.
+Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts!
+Who the Sam Hill was that?
+Why, it's Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmos from Sector 7G.
+Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at nine o'clock Monday morning. We'll see who eats whose shorts!
+Wow! Of all the luck! To think I almost died without telling the boss to eat my shorts.
+Ah, Homer. Come on. You got time for one last beer. Please.
+I gotta call Marge.
+Hello, Moe's Tavern -- birthplace of the Rob Roy.
+Is Seymour there? Last name, Butts.
+Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody. I wanna Seymour Butts!
+Oh, wait a minute. Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket. When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew.
+Oh, it was busy. Moe, another last beer, please.
+Guys, keep it down. I got some last words. I never told you this before, but sometimes when I'm at work, I think of you and smile. So often I think that ... oh, words won't do it. I love you, Moe.
+Please, not in public.
+I love you, Barney.
+Oh, how European.
+Come on, Barney, I gotta get home.
+Faster, Barney, faster.
+I'm twirling as fast as I can.
+Oh, I can't wait any longer. Hold on, Marge. I'm comin' home, baby.
+Oh, where can he be?
+Marge! Marge!
+There's no time to explain.
+Love you. Love you. Love you.
+I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called, "To A Husband."
+Okay, okay.
+Ahem. "The blackened clouds are forming ..."
+Oh, gimme a break, Marge.
+"... Soon the rain will fall / My dear one is departing/ But first please heed this call / That always will I love you / My one, my love, my all."
+That was beautiful.
+Goodbye, Maggie -- stay as sweet as you are.
+Goodbye, Lisa -- I know you'll make me proud.
+Goodbye, Bart -- I like your sheets.
+The Good Book...
+ ... on tape... 
+"Oooo, as read by Larry King."
+Hi, I'm Larry King. "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void...
+"Eleazar begat Phinehas, Phinehas begat Abishua. And Abishua
+...begat Ahimaaz. Ahimaaz begat
+And Amariah onward, and Amariah begat Ahitub. And Ahitub begat
+Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in this state, McBane. And yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of three of his bodyguards and drove a bus through his front door.
+Shallum begat Hilkiah, and Hilkiah begat Azariah. And he shall turn the heart of the Fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their Fathers, less I come and smite the earth with a curse." Well, that's it. Oh, friend Duke Zeevers standing by. We'll get some coffee... we'll get some matzo-ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs, by the way. If you're bettin' in the NBA this year, I think they're going to win it all. So I guess there's nothing more to say but...
+Homer? Homer?
+Oh, Homer, Homer.
+His drool! It's warm! He's alive! Homer, Homer, wake up, you're alive!
+All right. Stop it! Cut it out!
+Wake up! You're alive! You're alive!
+What are you talking about?
+You're alive!
+I'm alive! I'm alive. And I couldn't be happier. From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest!
+Strike, that's two in a row... Let's see that one again. Here it comes... excellent... Just about to go into the... My, my. Well if he makes this, he'll be down by 40 pins. This match though is far from over though, as you know.
+Yeah, it is far from over, but uh his approach has been wrong from the beginning as far as I'm concerned.
+Well, he's an erratic bowler, Chad. He tends to explode in the seven eight nine frame... Though I remember... in Boline, Illinois.
+Actually that, actually that was Pontiac, Michigan.
+Oh, thirty-eight pins going into the...
+Well he's stepping up now and he needs to get at least a spare...
+Do you two have to sit so close to the TV? Back up, or it'll hurt your eyes.
+Oh, it will not.
+Oh yes it will.
+Our next movie is "McBane." Another shoot 'em up, push 'em through the plate-glass window, splatter-fest from the Hollywood cookie-cutter. Here's a typically brainless scene.
+I don't want to hear it, McBane. You're outta here!
+That makes two of us.
+You know, I can't believe we're talking about the same movie!
+Oh, no...
+I thought "McBane" was a non-stop, roller-coaster of chills, thrills, spills and kills.
+And that chase at the end my friend...
+Are you nuts? That movie stinks like a creepy one bedroom apartment.
+Your mother didn't think it was so creepy.
+My mother. Real mature. I'm sick of your...
+I love watching the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard.
+Hey, what gives?
+Dad, do something!
+All right, all right. Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.
+Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.
+Shut up, boy. Cheap Chinese TVs... Why did I every buy... Is that better?
+How's this?
+Okay, just everybody remain calm.
+Hey, everybody! If you look real close, you can kinda make 'em out.
+Hey, yeah, yeah. I think I can.
+I think this is sick. They're staring at a dot!
+She's right! She's right!
+Oh, how I miss TV! Dear, God. Just give me one channel!
+Homer. It's not the end of the world. You know, before we got married we hardly ever watched television.
+You lie!
+No, it's true, Bart. We used to shoot pool... and go dancing...
+How romantic.
+And a lot of times we'd stay at home and talk, just like this.
+I'm livin' it but I ain't lovin' it.
+It's so hard to picture you two then. Hand in hand at the crossroads of life. There are so many questions.
+Pick one.
+Okay. Uh... how did Dad propose to you?
+Uh... well....
+Well, Miss Bouvier. I think we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations.
+Lisa, I'd rather tell you a different story. How your father and I first met and fell in love.
+We were seniors in high school, but we had never even met.
+Ugh, gross. Ecch.
+SOME PEOPLE CALL ME A SPACE COWBOY / YEAH / SOME CALL ME THE GANGSTER OF LOVE / SOME PEOPLE CALL ME MAURICE. Woo woo / 'CAUSE I SPEAK OF THE PUPPETS OH OF LOVE.
+Hey, Homer. You're late for English.
+English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke.
+I'm for equal rights. But do we really need a whole amendment?
+Come on, Marge. Don't you think you deserve to earn just as much as a man who does the same job?
+Not if I have to do heavy lifting or math.
+Oh Marge. You really ought to read this.
+Oh, the shop kids are smoking again.
+Oh, no! We're late for wood shop.
+But we're early for lunch. Let's go grab a burger.
+Boy, you never stop eatin' and you don't gain a pound.
+Eh, it's my metabmobolism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
+Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumbel. Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong.
+Allow me, gentlemen. You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when.
+Three o'clock. Old building. Room 106.
+... And in another article, I found out that to hire professionals to do all the jobs of a housewife, who incidentally is not married to a house, would cost forty-eight thousand dollars a year!
+The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from these... male imposed shackles.
+I didn't think it would burn so fast.
+Hm, I guess it's the tissue paper inside.
+Miss Bouvier, I am surprised!
+You just bought yourself one day of detention. You know where and when.
+Well, no I don't. Actually, I never really...
+Three o'clock. Old building. Room 106.
+Hey, Estelle, will you go to the prom with me?
+I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould.
+Oooh, shot down again.
+Hey, don't worry Barney. It's a big school. There's gotta be a girl nobody else wants to take to the prom.
+Excuse me, is this Room 106?
+Hey, who's that?
+I... I don't know!
+Hey, would you like to go to the...
+She's mine!
+So, what are you in for?
+I'm a political prisoner. Last time I ever take a stand.
+Well, I'm here for being me. Every day I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.
+Simpson! Be quiet!
+I haven't seen you in school before.
+Okay, Simpson.
+You just bought yourself another day of detention!
+Maybe we should get together some time.
+Two days!
+I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.
+I'm Homer.
+Three days!
+Four days!
+Simpson.
+Five days!
+It was worth it.
+Six days! Okay, Simpson. To the back of the room!
+So, it was love at first sight.
+It was a jailhouse romance, man.
+I'd reached step one: She knew I existed. The only problem was, she didn't care.
+What's the matter, boy?
+Nothing.
+You haven't said boo all night, and usually I have to wrestle the bucket out of your greasy mitts.
+Dad, I'm in love.
+Uh-oh. Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy.
+But, Dad, I don't drink...
+Cut the crap. "I just collect the cans, Daddy." Now grab yourself a beer and get me one, too.
+Now, this girlfriend of yours. Is she a real looker?
+Uh-huh.
+A lot on the ball?
+Oh, yeah.
+Ohhh, son, don't overreach. Go for the dented car, the dead-end job, the less attractive girl. Ohh, I blame myself. I should have had this talk a long time ago.
+Thanks, Pop.
+Hi, I'm Homer Simpson. I need some guidance, counselor.
+Okey dokey.
+Good Lord! Simpson, you should have come to see me a long time ago.
+Well, yeah, maybe, but I just met this girl, Marge Bouvier and I want to force her to like me.
+That's not exactly the type of guidance I give.
+Well, I like to think I do something helpful for every student N through Z. The only advice I can give you is, try to share a common interest and spend, spend, spend.
+Well, what interest does she have that I could make common?
+Oh, I believe she's very active on the Forensics Team. They meet in the new building. Room two-nineteen.
+Far out!
+Homer, do you have any plans for after graduation?
+Me? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out all night.
+Oh, no, I meant career-wise. You know, that nuclear power plant will be opening soon. It's one of the few outfits around that won't require a college education.
+Me, in a nuclear power plant... Kaboom!
+"Bringing up a son, even a blind one, isn't a lifetime occupation. Now, the more you help him... the more you hurt him."
+Woe unto Shelbyville should they underestimate our strength in Dramatic Interpretation.
+Well thank you, Artie.
+My name's Homer Simpson. I'd like to sign up for something.
+Well, we have an opening on the Debate Team.
+Debate? Like, arguing?
+I'll take that, you stinkpot! Just warming up, Mrs. Bloominstein.
+This year's topic is, "Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered to fifty-five miles per hour."
+Fifty-five! That's ridiculous! Sure, they'll save a few lives. But millions will be late!
+Why don't you take "con"?
+No Way.
+Our current speed limit is an anachronism. The fatuity...
+Ignoramus.
+Will you shut up?
+Wait a minute! That word you keep calling me --
+Ignoramus?
+Ignoramus. It means I'm stupid! Doesn't it?
+There's a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
+Not to me there isn't!
+You ignoramus.
+You're the ignoramus.
+No, you...
+Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
+With pleasure.
+Aye Carumba!
+Hel-lo.
+Oh, you may not remember me. I'm Homer Simpson. I mooned for rebuttal.
+Yes, I remember.
+So... you wanna go out with me?
+Well, I don't think you're my type.
+Well, a... You see the problem is, you don't know me. I have references. Just ask Coach Flanagan, and ask Mr. Seckofsky and Barney Gumbel.
+Hmm, I don't know.
+Look, I'm not asking you to like me, I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies, I'm just asking you to be fair.
+Homer Simpson? Oh, yeah. Junior Varsity shot putter. Hmmm, hmmm. I think if he applies himself, trains real hard, hits the weights, he could go another foot.
+I had him for four years. Solid "C" student. Made a lamp last year.
+He's all things to all men, and maybe to one lucky gal. Wanna go to the prom with me?
+Good God, no.
+Well put.
+Well, what's the good word?
+I'm sorry.
+I'm... a spare. Excuse me.
+Well, you seem like a nice enough guy, but I really don't have the time.
+And the City Forensics championship is coming up.
+Yeah, so....
+Oh, and I-I tutor part time.
+You tutor?
+And anyone can be tooted?
+Just those who need help with French.
+French. What a coincidence. Just the subject I'm having trouble with.
+Why you cagey ol' dog.
+Great story. Positively spellbinding. Work, damn you, work!
+Bart, pay attention. You may be telling this to your own son one day if something breaks.
+Ooh, lost a few. Oh, well there's plenty more where that came from. Uh-oh, a zit. No problemo.
+The perfect crime.
+Hel - lo.
+Why is there make-out music on?
+It helps me study. Heh-heh-heh.
+Well, not me. Shut it off and let's get down to business.
+Cray-on.
+Fenetre.
+Tres bien. Well, I should probably be going. I have a big Forensics meet tomorrow.
+Oh.... wait, Don't go. Don't go. Wait, wait -- why don't we take a little study break?
+Do the hustle!
+Keep it down!
+Homer, you're amazing. Before you couldn't say bon jour. But now you can conjugate all the regular verbs, two irregular verbs, and sing the first verse of "Allouette".
+ALLOUETTE JAUNTE ALLOUETTE / ALLOUETTE JAUNTE...
+Yes. Thousands of them.
+I can't believe it, it's sticking. You're telling me new stuff, and minutes later it's still there! And it's all thanks to you. Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents --
+Consonants.
+-- Consonants, with your beautiful mouth, and your beautiful breath pushing them past your beautiful teeth...
+Merci, I guess.
+Marge, would you go to the prom with me?
+You know, Homer, you're like no one I've ever met before. You're dear and honest and open, without a trace of pretension.
+I'll take that as a compliment. So, will you go out with me? Please say oui.
+Ohhh! oh, Marge! This'll be the greatest night of your life. I've been saving up for a new engine for my car, but I'm gonna spend it all on us. I'm renting the biggest limo. I'm gonna buy you the biggest corsage. My tux is gonna have the widest lapels, the most ruffles, and the highest platform shoes you ever saw.
+Maybe I'll wear my hair... up.
+Wait, wait, wait, Marge. If honest and open is what you like, get a load of this. I'm not really in any French class. This was just a brilliant scheme to get to know you better.
+You knew the City Forensics finals are tomorrow. And you kept me here until one a.m. pretending to be stupid. Homer J. Simpson, I hate you!
+Hey, Barney, guess whose got a date for the prom?
+Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end with us sitting here, and you telling it to us.
+Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids and bought a cheap TV. Okay?
+Bringing up a son -- even a blind one -- isn't a lifetime occupation. Now the more you help him--
+-- The more you hurt him.
+Congratulations, Artie.
+Marge, this may not be the most appropriate forum for what I am about to put forth, but would you go to the prom with me?
+I can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments. Now the first is from Time Magazine... dated January 8, 1974, "America's Love Affair with The Prom... Even wallflowers can look forward to one date a year..."
+No, Artie, Artie. The best argument is that I've known and respected you for eight years, and I would be delighted to go to the prom with you.
+If you pinch your checks, they'll glow.
+A little more. Try to break some capillaries, dear.
+Couldn't we just use rouge for this?
+Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.
+Is Marge here?
+Who or what are you?
+I'm her date.
+Mm-hmm. I suppose you want to come in and sit down.
+Oh, okay.
+Marge's dates get homelier all the time.
+Mm-hmm. That's what you get when you don't put out.
+You know, I usually insist on approving Marge's dates, but from what she's told me I'm sure you're a solid citizen.
+Thanks, Mr. B.
+Here she comes. Get the camera ready.
+What are you doing here?
+You said you'd go to the prom with me.
+I also said I hated you and we haven't even talked since then.
+I was afraid you'd cancel our date so I stayed away from you completely, even though it meant skipping school for three weeks and graduating this summer... I hope.
+I'm Artie Ziff, Marge's date for the prom.
+Well, hello.
+Well, hello... hello.
+Don't we look handsome.
+Yes indeed we do.
+Well come in, young man.
+Wait a second. If he's your date, who are you?
+Now that that unpleasantness is behind us forever, let's take a picture of the happy couple.
+Say cheese whiz.
+Hey, buddy, where's your date?
+She's with him.
+Ouch! So, I guess you want me to take you home?
+Hey, I paid for this car. I paid for this tuxedo and I paid for the two dinners. We're going to the prom.
+The prom it is.
+Don't dance too closely now. Have a good time. Wait a second -- is that a bong? You have asthma? All right, move along.
+Homer Simpson, I thought you dropped out.
+You wish, Dondelinger.
+That's Mr. Dondelinger.
+Steak or chicken?
+One of each, please.
+Comin' through.
+Barney!
+That young man's bought himself about a decade of detention.
+Children, we have tabulated your votes. The King and Queen of Springfield High School's Class of 1974 are -- Artie Ziff and Marge Bouvier!
+Oh, isn't she great? Hail Queen Marge! Woo woo! Long live the Queen!
+Fellow classmates. Instead of voting for some athletic hero, or a pretty boy, you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you!
+Very well said. And now your King and Queen will share their first royal dance.
+Why do birds suddenly appear? Every time you're near!
+I gotta get outta here.
+Why are you doing this? Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else?
+Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
+Because I'm sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought there's a lot of other thoughts in there. Something says yes, something says no. But this time there's only yes. How could the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong?
+I don't know, but it is.
+Well, where to now, Romeo?
+Inspiration Point.
+Okay, but I'm only paid to drive.
+Oh, Marge...
+Gee, Artie. Artie wait. I don't know. I mean, it was it was a beautiful evening. Let's not ruin it.
+Just kiss...
+Artie, please!
+Come on, kiss me.
+Oh, Artie!
+Please, please.
+Now, really, I mean it. Now stop it!
+I'm sorry, Marge.
+Take me home, Artie.
+Well, it's one o'clock. If you want to keep me, I'm afraid it's gonna be forty-five dollars an hour.
+Naw, that's okay. I'm broke. I'll walk home.
+Yeah, why spoil a perfect evening?
+Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody about my busy hands. Not so much for myself, but I am so respected it would damage the town to hear it. Good night.
+Yeah, right.
+You know, when that Simpson boy showed up it took years off my life.
+Will you stop it? She went out with the good one.
+Shut up. I'm over as far as I can go!
+All right, all right! I'll walk in the mud!
+Yeah, you want a ride?
+No. Yes, Bart.
+You know Homer, when I got home, I realized who I should have gone to the prom with.
+Who? Oh.
+My prom date.
+Marge, pour vous.
+Why so glum?
+I've got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and then I'll never be able to let you go.
+And I never have.
+Hey, good evening, Hezron, Carver of Graven Images.
+Ah, good evening, Homer the Thief. How is business?
+Been a little slow these past few months. Not much to steal in the desert, you know.
+Ah, do not worry, my friend. I figure we'll be wandering out here another two weeks, tops.
+Heh, heh, heh, heh.
+Ah, good evening, Zohar the Adulterer. My wife sends her warmest regards.
+Ah, yes, she's a good woman. Very good.
+Thank you, my lusty friend.
+Ooh, Moses is back.
+Quick, everybody look busy.
+The Lord has handed down to us Ten Commandments by which to live. I will now read them in no particular order: Thou shalt not make any graven images.
+Oh, my God!
+Thou shalt not commit adultery.
+Ah, well. Looks like the party's over.
+Hey, Moses, keep 'em comin'.
+Thou shall not steal.
+Sorry, Homer.
+That is the most dishonest thing I've ever heard.
+I should box your ears you, you, you... You Sneaky Pete!
+Easy, tiger.
+Hey, you easy. Now, get off my property! Off!
+Hey, Flanders. Who put that bug up your butt?
+Ohhh. I wanted to subscribe to that new Arts and Crafts Channel. Well, sir, they send over this flimflam man to install it, and do you know what he did? He offered to hook me up illegally to every cable channel for only fifty bucks.
+Boy, what's this world coming to?
+You know, that's exactly what I --
+Gotta go.
+Hey, stop, cable man! Stop!
+What do you want?
+I want free cable.
+So this is okay, I mean everybody does it, right?
+What? Oh, hey, if you're having second thoughts, just read this pamphlet.
+So You've Decided To Steal Cable.
+Uh-huh.
+"Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations, which makes it okay."
+Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.
+Don't you hate it... when you go to the bathroom and... there's no toilet paper?
+It's funny 'cause it's true!
+Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable.
+Cable? / Us? / Wow! / We have cable!
+That's right. Sixty-eight channels. MTV for the kids. VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming every day!
+Homer, we talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?
+Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
+Are you sure this is legal?
+Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this.
+"Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less and are repeated ad nauseam." Hmm, well, I don't know.
+Marge --
+Hear Me Roar -- The Network For Women.
+In the next half hour we'll show you how to cut your first aid bill in half by making your own bandaids.
+Ooh. That's a good idea.
+Now before we begin you'll need five yards of sterilized cotton...
+El Mummeo le pone en el "Sleeper Hold". Donde esta los medicos de Mexico?
+Oooo. Pro wrestling from Mexico. You know, down there it's a real sport.
+Cool. This is where Jaws eats the boat.
+Cool. This is where Die Hard jumps through the window.
+Cool. This is where Wall Street gets arrested.
+Mr. Speaker, if I could call your attention to the Retroactive Subsidy Appropriations Override Bill. I refer you to page four thousand five hundred and...
+They must think people will watch anything.
+Live from New Orleans -- this is the World Series of Cockfighting. Oh, son of a gun we'll have big fun on the bayou tonight...
+We'd get there quicker if I drove my Dad's car.
+I don't know, Davey.
+Aren't you ready for church, Homer?
+Huh, wha'? Oh, okay.
+Now today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi... his boob tube... and his instant pizza pie...
+Oooh. Pizza.
+All right, children. Now, I don't want you to get frightened, but it's my responsibility to teach you this. Today's topic will be "hell".
+All right. I've sat through mercy and I've sat through forgiveness. Finally, we get to the good stuff.
+Oh hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket. There's a lake of fire burning with sulfur, you'll be tormented day and night forever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw Hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die.
+Oh, Miss Albright.
+Yes, Bart.
+Are there pirates in hell?
+So what you're saying is, there's a down side to the afterlife. How does one steer clear of this abode of the damned?
+By obeying the Ten Commandments.
+Ten simple rules that are easy to live by.
+So, what did you children learn about today?
+Well, that's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell unless I say hell, can I?
+The lad has a point.
+Hell, yes.
+Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
+Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.
+Hey, anybody up for a little so-called pay TV?
+Dad, are you sure this isn't stealing?
+Read the pamphlet, honey.
+Oh, goody! A program-length advertisements!
+Wait a minute, Troy. I'm a little confused. Did you say, "cleans and straightens"?
+Thank you, Troy. Hi everybody!
+Now for if I had a volunteer. Somebody with crooked yellow teeth.
+Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us.
+It won't cost you a thing... except your soul!
+What's gotten into Lisa?
+Beats the hell out of me.
+Mom, what are you doing?
+What? Whadda ya mean?
+Well, don't you remember the Eighth Commandment?
+Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not... uh... covet... graven images... something about covet...
+Thou shalt not steal!
+Anything else?
+Yes. I ate two grapes. Please charge me for them.
+Oh, two grapes? Who cares?
+Just charge me something, please.
+Yeah, okay, all right. I need a price check on two grapes. Yeah, you heard me, Phil, two measly, stinking grapes.
+If you didn't catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it someplace else, we've got it -- on the Blockbuster Channel!
+Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?
+Oh, great... All right, what makes you say that?
+Well, at Sunday School we learned that stealing is a sin.
+Well, duh.
+But everybody does it! I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
+Oh. Hm, look at it this way. When you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it?
+And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?
+No, I didn't.
+Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker, before I call the Feds.
+Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
+Well, thank you honey.
+Friday night, live from Las Vegas. The ultimate match-up. The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out.
+It's Watson-Tatum II. This time, it's for money!
+Oh, boy!
+Only on the Blockbuster Channel.
+How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness?
+Hey, big fight comin' up.
+Yeah, you want to come over to my house and listen to round-by-round updates on the radio?
+Oh yeah, okay. Oh, then after the fight, we can watch the still photos on the eleven o'clock news.
+Not too shabby! Whadda you say, Homer?
+We could do that, hmm, yeah, or... we could go over to my house and watch the whole thing live on cable TV.
+Pass the pumice, please.
+Uh, he's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones from sector 7G.
+Excellent. I'm so keen on seeing Watson vs. Tatum II, I'd even go to an employee's house. Oh, I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off its filthy hinges. Mangy dog staggering about looking vainly for a place to die.
+Permission to speak frankly, sir.
+Permission granted.
+Well, you are quite wealthy sir.
+Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.
+No, no, I mean, why don't you pay for the fight yourself?
+Eh, Smithers, a big title fight is one of those rare occasions that I savor the sights, the sounds; and, ah yes, the smells of other men.
+You haven't lost the common touch, sir.
+So, Homer, I hear you got the fight.
+Yeah, that's right. Eight o'clock, my place. Come one, come all.
+Hey, Moe, how come you never got cable for the bar?
+Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull.
+I made my choice and I stand by it.
+Ooh! Somebody's having a party.
+Yeah, Friday night. You want to come over?
+Thank you, but this store is open twenty-four hours. It puts great demands on my time.
+Oh, too bad. It's gonna be a great fight.
+Oh, the fight. Why didn't you say something? I'll get my brother, Sanjay, to cover for me. He deplores violence of all kinds.
+So, even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family, that would be stealing?
+No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.
+Come on, Lisa, now you're here for a reason. Is your father stealing bread?
+Maybe. I don't watch him every minute. But what I am sure of is, we're getting cable for free.
+Well, I'm afraid that is stealing, Lisa, and I think you must do something... hmmm.
+Should I have my father arrested?
+Well, Lisa, on the surface, that would appear to be an ideal solution to the problem. But remember the Fourth Commandment, "Honor thy father and thy mother." Hmmm, Lisa, I would like to see you set an example by not watching the offending technology yourself?
+Thank you, Reverend Lovejoy.
+You're watching Top Hat Entertainment. Adult programming all day, every day, except in Florida and Utah. Coming up next, "Stardust Memories."
+Aye Carumba!
+Oh, here's what I was looking for.
+Blue chips closed up three and three quarters... Oil service stocks slumped slightly on news of OPEC's continuing stalemate at their meeting in Geneva, Switzerland.
+Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for mommies and daddies who love each other very much. I want you to promise me you won't watch that channel ever again.
+Promise me.
+I promise I will never watch that channel again.
+Good boy.
+Hi, Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong. So I'm choosing not to watch it in the hope that others will follow my example. It's the last you'll hear from me on the matter. Thank you for your time.
+Hey Lisa -- Racing from Belmont? Horsies!
+Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.
+There is something wrong with that kid. She's so moral. Why can't she be more like... well, not like Bart, but there's gotta be a happy medium.
+Well, you know, Bart was looking at that racy movie today, and Lisa's losing a little respect for you... Maybe we should think about unhooking the cable.
+Unhook it?! But I love cable.
+Well, then maybe you should pay for it.
+Look, look, Marge. I can't afford it. When I can afford to pay for it, I will. But I can't, so I'm not going to.
+But Homer, I'm afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.
+Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.
+...but I am severely tempted to do it over this.
+Oh, Homer.
+Marge, I'm sorry, I think it's coming down.
+No, Homer, not over this. No, no.
+It's coming down. My foot is, that's it, Marge. It's coming down. The cable stays. The foot has spoken.
+Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Ugh! Soccer. Seen it.
+Hey, Simpson!
+Huh? Hey, how'd you get in here?
+Well, your door wasn't locked in any serious way. I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo? A five hundred dollar value, but I'll let you have it for forty bucks.
+Get out of my house! I don't wanna associate with criminals.
+Well, maybe I'll go see your neighbor.
+He's not home.
+Even better.
+Are you sure you want to do this, Homer? It doesn't look friendly.
+Marge, we can't be too careful. There are thieves everywhere, and I'm not talking about the small, forgivable stuff.
+Come one, come all, Top Hat Theatre is on the air. The most beautiful women in the world. Just fifty-cents. I am your host, Bart Simpson. You must be at least eight years old to enter.
+Well, back to the fight.
+And now, the Top Hat Channel is honored to present, "Broadcast Nudes."
+Yet strangely compelling.
+It's a raid!
+Huh? What the? I know you -- come back here...
+Bart, you promised me you wouldn't watch that trash! Now go to your room.
+Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.
+Oh great.
+Here, I brought some imported generic beer.
+Thank you, Barney. How many people are coming, Homer?
+Just a select circle of my friends.
+Oh Hello, Mrs. Homer. I have brought an assortment of jerkies.
+Oh, didja swipe those from work?
+Certainly not. What has been implied here?
+Oh, no sir, there is no love lost between these two warriors. In fact, we almost had a scuffle earlier today, at the weigh-in.
+I understand you have a special motivation going into this bout.
+Yeah, I want to dedicate this fight to my manager Vinnie, who got me here, and then passed away just two weeks ago.
+Any response to that?
+Yeth, I would also like to dedicate thIS fight to the memory of his deceased manager.
+You can't do that!
+I can do whatever I want!
+You dedicate the fight to your manager, man!
+I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching this fight. It's my form of non-violent protest.
+Hey, Homer, I brought ya...
+Quick, it's Moe. I gotta hide the mugs...
+All right, will you... Hey, go protest outside will ya, now!.
+Hey, Homer. I brought you a mug.
+Oooh, thank you, Moe! I always wanted one of these.
+Mr. Burns! Bart... quick. Hide the stuff I "borrowed" from work.
+All right, the stuff I stole from work!
+Oh, okay.
+Now, c'mon. Take all this, and this, put it in the closet.
+Will you quit staring at me like that!
+Oh, hello, Simpson.
+We were just in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by.
+Ugh, ah, hello, Mr. Burns. Would you like to watch the fight?
+The fight? Don't mind if I do. Oh, Simpson. Good news -- I brought some munchies. Smithers -- the Cheetos.
+Are you Homer Simpson?
+Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hook-up.
+No... No I... It wasn't me... It was it was my wife's, my wife's idea... yeah, yeah... I would never...
+Hey, hey, settle down big fella.
+We were, whoa, we were just wondering if we could watch the fight?
+Oh, sure, sure. Be my guest.
+Lisa, I brought you some lemonade for your protest.
+Thanks, Mom. It doesn't seem to be going very well.
+Well, don't give up. When you love somebody you have to have faith that in the end they will do the right thing.
+The Challenger learned how to fight in the notorious projects of Capital City and honed his skills while serving time for aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison.
+All right, a local boy!
+For five years I was, I was incarcerated, away from my family and the mothers of my children. The conditions were irrevocable.
+Oh, no.
+Marge, Lisa, Maggie...
+Shake hands. Keep it clean.
+Come on, boy.
+Excuse me. I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know I've made a couple of really important decisions. Number one: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over. And Number Two: I'm not very fond of any of you.
+Dad, we may have saved your soul.
+Yeah, at the worst possible time.
+Eight... nine... ten...
+This fight is history! Stick a fork in it, it's done. A stunning knockout by a thunderous bolo punch in the closing seconds of the twelfth round, and Drederick Tatum is the new Champion of the World!
+Everyone to my place for blueberry Squishees and microwave burritos!
+The greatest fight ever and I missed it.
+We're really proud of you, Dad.
+What a donnybrook game, Mr. Burns.
+Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds. Back then, of course, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back.
+Cable clippers, please.
+Here you go, Homie.
+Go for it Dad!
+Dad, I beg you to reconsider. Tractor pulls, Atlanta Braves baseball, Joe Franklin...
+Third time's the charm.
+Hey Homer, it's Barney. Did I wake you?
+All I wanted to tell you about WAS this new barbecue joint.
+Ooh! Barbecue!
+It's called Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. I can still taste the sauce between my fingers. And are you ready for this? It's all you can eat!
+This is like some beautiful dream.
+One. And two. And three. And reach. And five. And six. And seven..
+Marge, honey, I've got five words to say to you. Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit.
+Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week?
+See me again tomorrow?
+Marge, I'm only human. Now look, here's what we're gonna do. We'll unload the kids on Patty and Selma Saturday night. And then we'll eat until they kick us out of the place. Just like old times.
+Saturday night? I'm not even sure my sisters will be available.
+I'll take that bet.
+Hello, Marge.
+This Saturday? We're going to Stanley Peterson's wedding.
+Although the way he's going at her, you'd think they were already married.
+Hey alleycats, save it for the honeymoon!
+Well if you have other plans...
+It's no problem.
+Mm-hmm. We'll beat it before they throw out the bouquet.
+F... L... oh no, I'm sorry. That's a C, isn't it...
+If that was an oncoming vehicle you'd be dead now. NEXT!
+But driving is my livelihood.
+Ah, take it like a man!
+Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances, we are gathered here today to join Stanley and Martha in holy matrimony.
+Martha, my dear, I remember the first day I met you.
+Hello, Selma.
+Hello, Stanley.
+Is this seat taken?
+Yes it is.
+Hey, beat it!
+Had I not chosen the seat next to you, Martha my love, who knows what walnut I might have ended up with.
+"BRANDY, YOU'RE A FINE GIRL, WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU WOULD BE/ BUT MY LIFE, MY LOVE AND MY LADY IS THE SEA."
+Then the day after that.
+Poor Brandy. Aunt Selma, do you think you'll ever get married?
+Oh, I don't know. Why? You know somebody?
+No. And, since I'm sure that you'd only resent the pity of an eight-year-old niece, I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant forty-year-old single women who ever find their fair Prince.
+Patty! Selma! We're home.
+I'll tell you one thing, Greasy Joe is sorry he ever saw the likes of me.
+Marge, I need to speak with you alone.
+Oh and that sauce, Barney. I could have drunk a bowl of it by itself! No Barney, that's just my sister-in-law.
+I'll get right to the point. I'm getting older, fatter, and uglier. Please, Marge! Help me find a man before it's too late.
+Well... I'll try.
+Homer? Do you remember our last family vacation when you made us go to the Bowler's Hall of Fame in St. Louis, Missouri so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin?
+Remember? Who could forget?
+Then you'll also remember that you owe me a favor...
+...to be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.
+But that was just an idle promise.
+Not to me.
+I want you to find a husband for my sister Selma.
+Find a husband? Which one's Selma again?
+She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
+Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought she didn't like to be... you know, touched.
+It's Patty who chose the life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
+But Marge...
+Homer, you will find her a man.
+All right.
+And not just any man.
+Oh, gee. Tai Kwon Do.
+He should be honest... and caring... and well off... and handsome...
+Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do?
+Sodium tetrasulfate is highly caustic and can remove your skin. Say when!
+That will do.
+What's this stuff for?
+It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and as a preservative in fast foods. It's also quite a potent herbicide.
+What's a herbicide?
+It kills grass.
+Excellent.
+Must find man. Must find man. Must find man.
+Boy, a good man really is hard to find.
+Gentlemen, according to my sources you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so and you will be suspended.
+Vandalism fans, hold on to your hats!
+One seafood burrito, Apu.
+I am loathe to interrupt your meditation. But the time has come for money to change hands.
+Say what they will about our cafeteria, I-I still think they're the best Tater Tots money can buy.
+Wait a minute... that smells like sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll!
+Sweet Lord it is!
+SIMPSON!!!
+Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters in the field, that you would be caught.
+Maybe it was one of the other Barts, Sir.
+There are no other Barts!
+The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty board of education out of retirement.
+Call your father immediately.
+Hello, is Homer there?
+Homer who?
+Homer Sexual.
+Just a minute, let me check. Homer Sexual. Come on, come on. One of you guys must be Homer Sexual!
+Why you rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
+You'll do what, young man?
+Wait a minute. Who is this?
+I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?
+Oh, sorry Principal Skinner. It must be a bad connection. It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
+What is it this time?
+I'm afraid this time the victims are the innocent blades of grass on Groundskeeper Willie's award-winning play field. If it's all right with you, Bart will repay his debt to society through back-breaking physical labor, re-sodding the field manually, seed by seed.
+But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married?
+Only to my job.
+But if you weren't married to your job, you'd tend to go for a girl, right?
+Well, of course. These pants come off at night just like everyone else's. But tell me, why all the questions?
+Oh, no reason, really. I was just wondering if you know, you'd like to come over to my house for dinner. A payback for all the crummy things Bart has done to your school.
+Well, a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace. I'd be delighted!
+Excellent.
+Good evening, Principal Skinner and welcome to our home.
+Well thank you, Bart. I only hope that for the next few hours you and I can leave our differences in the schoolyard.
+Fine. Now just get inside already.
+He's here.
+Well, what are you waiting for? Get out there and shake your money-maker.
+I'm too nervous, you do it.
+No, you do it.
+No, you do it.
+No, you do it.
+No, you do it.
+Now, Simpson. I-I had a discomforting thought on the way over here. This dinner wouldn't be a master plan of yours to set me up with some unmarried relation? Because I can assure you that...
+I... ah... muh... Be still my foolish heart.
+Heh heh heh. Here we go. Boy meets beast. Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely and available sister, Selma.
+Sel-ma.
+Hey, Baldilocks, I'm Patty.
+Wha...?
+Pat-ty.
+So Patty, tell me more about your trip to Egypt.
+Nothing more to tell, really. The Nile smells like cattle rot and they've got horseflies over there the size of your fist.
+Marvelous. Just marvelous.
+Well, Selma hated Egypt, too. A camel spit on her.
+Oh, yes. I've heard they can be difficult. Patty, the Parents Advisory Board has asked that I attend the premiere of Space Mutants Part 5 tomorrow night. Would you be interested in joining me?
+Well... I don't really think...
+She'd be delighted.
+I'm going to cancel.
+No, you're not.
+We already have plans for tomorrow night.
+I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
+Patty, your first date in twenty-five years is a little more important than playing hearts with Mother.
+I tried to repel him, I really did.
+A pack of Lady Laramie Hundreds, please.
+God knows it could have easily been me. Easily. Laramie Hi-Tars. Hard pack. And I don't have all day.
+Here you go. Smoke them in good health. And will you be needing any lottery tickets with that?
+No. All right, five.
+Stupid - Principal - Skinner. No - sense - of - humor.
+Save your strength, lad. There's a whole field for to resod yet.
+Bart, you wouldn't happen to know what sort of candy your Aunt Patty likes, would you?
+Cherry cordials, sir.
+Very good. Now then, regarding your punishment... do you feel that you've learned your lesson?
+Have I ever. Just the thought of doing anything bad again makes my stomach turn.
+Well, then, you are free to go.
+Well, Willie, you can take it from here. Adios, dude.
+You'll be back!
+I don't see why all this is necessary.
+C'mon, Patty. You don't want to show up looking like Yosemite Sam.
+How do I look?
+Achingly beautiful.
+"Two and Two are Four, Four and Four are Eight, Eight and Eight are Sixteen..."
+Cherry cordials. I hope you like 'em.
+Yeah, I like 'em okay. So come on, let's get this over with.
+Ah, excellent suggestion. I suggest we start with The Springfield Revolving Restaurant. You know, food tastes better when you're revolving.
+Yeah, right. Well, so far I must say the evening is a big disappointment.
+Indeed. Truly terrible.
+Hey, can we get some service over here? I've asked for water three times now.
+Well I must say, so far the evening is a big disappointment.
+Indeed, truly terrible.
+Hey, can we get some service over here? I've asked for water three times now.
+Is everything all right?
+Well, well, well. If it isn't little Jimmy Pearson. Class of '71 I believe.
+Good evening, Principal Skinner.
+Pearson, get this woman a glass of water, immediately! And tuck in your shirt.
+Nearly thirty and still working as a busboy. Standardized testing never lies.
+It doesn't surprise me. She has always been the lucky one. Two minutes younger. Skin like a China doll. And bosoms 'til Tuesday.
+Well, don't worry. There are still plenty of fish in the sea. Right, Homer?
+Oh yes, plenty of fish. We just don't have any bait.
+Don't be stupid.
+Oh.. uh... sorry.
+Come on, luv... Loosen up.
+I just can't forget what happened to that poor dingo back there. Who, or what, could've done such a horrible thing?
+Oh, it was probably just a wallaby... now come on...
+Well, okay...
+Hello, Dolly.
+Oh, that was the worst film I've ever seen.
+Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.
+Isn't it nice we hate the same things?
+The day after that, then.
+Seymour... you're touching me.
+Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
+Thursday I'm going food shopping. You can come along if you like.
+Until then!
+Tell me every filthy detail. Or is your tongue too tired?
+Selma, it was a lousy meal. The movie was awful. And he didn't get anything. Now goodnight.
+All right. One kiss. But I don't want you bragging to your friends about how you scored.
+I wish I could make a P.A. announcement to the whole world. Attention, everyone: Seymour Skinner is in love!
+Bart, Skinner's gonna kill you.
+Skinner? He works for me now.
+Simpson!
+What is that there?
+Ah... Bart, I hate to pull you away from your daily exercise, but ... well...
+I wanted you to be the first to know. I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
+Your funeral, Seymour.
+Lighten up, Homer. You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.
+Ah, Moe. I've gotta find a date for my big, fat, snotty sister-in-law, Selma.
+I'm intrigued. What does this Selma look like?
+Like my wife's ugly sister.
+Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not a picky man.
+A good rule of thumb is two years salary, sir. Try this.
+I can't afford that! I'm an educator.
+Seymour?
+I'll take it!
+Homer, my sister is not going out with Barney Gumbel.
+Hey, Selma's no prize pig herself you know.
+Bart, come cheer up your Aunt Selma.
+What did you learn in school today?
+Principal Skinner is going to ask Aunt Patty to marry him.
+Thanks kid. You made my day.
+But' nothing, Marge. She's a heifer, plain and simple.
+Oh, there's the little prom queen now.
+Can the sweet talk, you're right. It's time to ashcan my girlish hopes and dreams and grab hold of the next train out of the station.
+Is that Selma? Ring-a-ding-ding!
+Oh, shut up.
+Why are you all dolled up like a chorus girl?
+It takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse.
+It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.
+Take it to the hoop, Selma.
+Hey, look what I brought... Schnapps?
+I'll take that.
+You seem preoccupied tonight, my little... pudding cup.
+My sister's on a date with a big fat rummy.
+Oh, well there's something up here that will pick up your spirit.
+Marry me Patty
+Jeezum Crow! Look at the size of that rock.
+It's the second most precious jewel in this bell tower. Patty, the question before you is will you marry me?
+Well, Seymour, I don't know. I mean, this is so awk...
+Just say whatever's in your heart.
+Okay, you see. It's not that I don't love you...
+You love me! Caloo Calay!
+Yes, yes. But...
+You see, I'm a twin...
+You have a special tie to your sister...
+... Mmm-hmm. And the only man I could marry would have to understand--
+... that you couldn't leave your sister for any man. Oh.
+Yes, so I know you appreciate why I can never...
+See you again?
+Exactly. It's kind of a catch twenty-two.
+Farewell, my Pattycake.
+Good night, sweet Principal.
+Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again! After all, tomorrow is another school day!
+And then when I got out of the service, well, the next few years are a blur.
+Patty. Where's Skinner?
+We decided we loved each other enough never to see each other again!
+I hope I can find a man like that. Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?
+Thanks.
+Now let's get some pancakes.
+Listen Barney, I... Eh.
+She broke my heart, Moe.
+Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
+Well, what do you know. You're right! And look, a whole pitcher to myself.
+I told you you'd be back!
+Well then, let's move on to new business. Have you taken care of McBain?
+You don't have to worry, Senator Mendoza. By now our "dear friend" McBain has met with a - shall we say - unfortunate accident.
+Excellent. With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us!... Any more new business?
+Two-fifty for this?
+What a gyp!
+You certainly broke up that meeting.
+Oh, McBain.
+THE RULES THAT CONSTRAIN OTHER MEN / MEAN NOTHING TO MCBAIN...,the rules that constrain other men mean nothing to mcbain,10
+8153,28,14,Jasper Beardly: Booo.,123000,true,273,332,Jasper Beardly,Aztec Theater,Booo.,booo,1
+8154,28,15,Gulliver Dark: THE PUNCHES THAT BRING PAIN TO OTHER MEN/ 
+I want to see the manager!
+The screen was too small.
+The floor was sticky.
+The romantic subplot felt tacked on.
+In short, we demand a refund!
+Sorry, it's against our policy.
+I'll policy you, you--
+Hey, don't have a heart attack, old dude.
+Don't you... tell... me... what to do... you... young... whipper... snap-per.
+... And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country. Amen.
+Very nicely said, Homer.
+Dad, Bart ate a green bean during the blessing.
+How do you know unless you opened your eyes during the blessing?
+Eating is worse than opening eyes.
+Is not.
+Is too.
+Is not.
+Is too.
+Is not.
+Is too.
+Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
+Da-ad!...
+Not one word.
+I thought I said knock it off!
+We didn't say anything.
+Not one word.
+Well, no panta-ma-mime, either.
+Telephone, Homer.
+It's the hospital.
+The hospital? Y'ello... Oh my God!
+Homer, I'm happy to say that your father only had a mild arrhythmia.
+Mild?! There wasn't anything mild about it! Now get back to the pharmacy, you quack.
+Oh, with that feisty attitude, you'll bury us all, Grampa Simpson.
+Pull your chair closer, my son.
+What is it, Da --
+P.U.! Not that close! Ish. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.
+Oh Dad, you and your imagination.
+There's something I think you should know. Homer, you have a half-brother.
+A half-brother?
+Huh uh. It all happened while I was courting your mother...
+I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her...
+Hey, Handsome, want to dunk the clown?
+She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.
+A year later, the carnival came back to town and she had a little surprise for me.
+We left the baby at the Shelbyville orphanage, and I never saw him again. A year later, I married your mother and we had you.
+Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that, that... carnival incident.
+Promise you won't tell him.
+Whoops! Forget what I just told you.
+What are you blubbering about?
+This makes me feel special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that must mean you really love me.
+Hmmm... Interesting theory.
+I'm going to find my brother. I don't care what it takes. If I have to move heaven and earth, I'm going to find him!
+Yeah, right. Good luck.
+A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!
+So, any idea where this bastard lives?
+Well his parents aren't married, are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?
+I guess he's got us there.
+BASTARD, BASTARD / BASTARD, BASTARD / BASTARD, BASTARD
+BASTARD / BASTARD, BASTARD!
+Twen... forty-eight. This is it.
+Excuse me, is this an orphanage?
+Ooo, you're a little late, pal. They tore down the orphanage thirty odd years ago.
+Thirty years! I'll never find him. I'm doomed to walk through this life alone. Oh brother, where art thou?!
+Take it easy, buddy. They moved across the street.
+Oh. Hee, hee. Sorry.
+I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.
+I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother --
+Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, I wish I could help you but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
+Hmmm, according to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
+Herbert. Herbert Powell. Great! Where can I find him?
+I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to release that information.
+Oh please, please, this is my life we're talking about here. Please...
+Well, I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all, your brother could be anywhere. Even Detroit.
+I know, he could be anywhere! That's why I want you to narrow it down! Please...
+You know Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the City of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia... it's Detroit.
+Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless, excuse for a human being I ever...
+Read between the lines, you fool.
+Oh, oh... I get it. Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
+Mr. Simpson, I don't want your --
+Just take it and tell me!
+Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
+Fine. Thank you.
+Let's see, Powell, Powell... Powell... Pomerant, Poole, Popkin, Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randolph... whoops, too far. Here it is, Powell.
+Any luck, Homie?
+No, I've called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.
+Well, you want to try that H. Powell?
+H! Of course. That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot, but...
+Y'ello.
+Hello, is this H. Powell of Detroit, Michigan?
+By any chance does the H stand for Herbert?
+Woo woo! The H stands for Herbert! Herb, were you adopted?
+From the Shelbyville Orphanage?
+How did you know that?
+Because... ... I'm your baby brother, Homer!
+Hello? Hello? Hello? Stupid phone!
+Hey, hey, knock it off! I'm here! I was just silent because of the emotion involved.
+Oh, sorry.
+Homer, I think we need to get together.
+Okay, Brother! Grab the next plane to Springfield. We got a couch that folds out...
+Uh, I'll tell you what...
+Why don't you come here?
+Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
+Just a little further. Just a little further. Just a little further. Just a little further.
+Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
+But Marge, I want to see my brother--
+Oh for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
+Did you know you were going... Oh, sorry, sir. I didn't know it was you.
+That's okay, carry on. See the way I handled that, Marge?
+What does it look like?
+Every day we're losing ground to the Japanese, and I want to know why!
+Uh... unfair trade practices?
+Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington?
+Uh, some sort of gypsy curse?
+I'm tired of excuses! Why did I ever hire you Harvard deadheads?
+Because you went there, sir?
+Yeah, but Mommy and Daddy didn't pay my way. I had to work my way through, washing your dishes and scrubbing your toilets!
+Oh, yeah, now I remember you.
+Have you come up with a name for our new economy model?
+You're gonna love this, Chief. The "Persephone!"
+"Persephone?" What the hell kind of name is "Persephone?"
+She was the Greek Goddess of Spring and rebirth.
+And get this, sir. She was carried off to Hades by the King of the Underworld. While there, she ate six pomegranates...
+People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads. They want names like "Mustang" and "Cheetah" -- vicious animal names. The problem with you guys is you've forgotten your roots. You, what are your roots?
+Well, I guess you could say they extend to when the Angles met the Saxons.
+Heehaw!
+In other words, when white met bread.
+Sir, we'd love to know what your roots are and what they have to teach us.
+I have no roots. All I know is that, I'm just a... lonely guy.
+Marge, this can't be the right address.
+Hello in there.
+Homer! Homer! Welcome to my home, Brother!
+Holy moly! The bastard's rich!
+Herb, allow me to introduce my family. This is my wife, Marge...
+Hello. You old dog, she's gorgeous!
+Thank you.
+... and our three children, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
+Hello, sir.
+Hello, Mr. Powell
+All born in wedlock?
+Yeah, though the boy was a close call.
+So, Lisa, are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about?
+No, sir. I can assure you I am not.
+I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.
+Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?
+Oh, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
+What's to know? Just dive in. Catch!
+God, that new-baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know.
+I feel the same about you.
+While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
+Even pork chops?
+Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room --
+You mean, if I want pork chops -- even in the middle of the night -- your guy'll fry 'em up?
+Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids...
+We don't have a big one.
+Wai-wai-wait, wait, wait. Let me see if I got this straight... It's Christmas day, four a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach...
+Homer, please.
+Your old man sure loves pork chops.
+He sure does, Uncle Herb.
+Bart, Uncle Herb sounds so formal. Do you think you could call me Unky Herb?
+No problemo, Unky Herb.
+He's adorable. My nephew's adorable.
+Will you kids shut up?
+So, Marge, a little about yourself.
+Hmm, well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.
+Wow, we have so much catching up to do.
+Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
+Watch me dive! Watch me dive! Watch me dive!
+Okay, we're watching.
+I hope we're not spoiling them.
+You weren't watching! You weren't watching! You weren't watching!
+A millionaire!... I kept the wrong one. Look son, I'll come as soon as I can get outta here. In the meantime, pleeze don't do anything stupid.
+Unky Herb, can I spit over the side?
+I love this kid. Hock your brains out.
+Ohh, oh, got him.
+Hello, Cook? Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankerin' for some... that's right... don't forget the apple sauce!
+Okay, Homer. Pick out any one you want.
+Are you sure you want to give me a car?
+Hey, you know what these things cost me? There's maybe forty bucks worth of steel in them.
+Oh, okay. I'd like a big one, then.
+Dook on!
+Why not?
+Because Americans don't want big cars.
+Well, then give me one with lots of pep.
+Sorry, our cars don't have pep.
+Why not?
+Because Americans want good mileage, not pep.
+Homer, tell the nice man what country you come from.
+America.
+Do you hear that, you morons? This is why we're getting killed in the marketplace! Instead of listening to what people want, you're telling 'em what they want. Homer, I need your help.
+You do.
+Yeah. I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there! And I want to pay you two hundred thousand dollars a year!!
+And I want to let you!!
+Homer, meet my team of engineers. They're gonna build your car.
+Hi'ya, team.
+Now boys and girls, this project is our top priority. Everything else is on hold. I don't want to see anything until it's finished.
+Up-up-up-up-up! Direct all your questions to Mister Homer Simpson, the man with the vision, the man who's gonna bust this company out of its rut, the man who's going to change American transportation forever.
+So, what kind of car would you like, Mr. Simpson?
+I dunno.
+Whatever you kids want to do today, you just tell Unky Herb.
+Ohh, dear.
+I want to go on a pony ride, Unky Herb.
+I want to go on a boat ride, Unky Herb.
+Pony ride!
+Boat ride!
+Pony ride!
+Boat ride!
+Pony ride! Boat ride! Pony ride! Boat ride!
+Ahoy, Mateys!
+Kids are so easy to please.
+I really hope we're not spoiling them.
+What's that?
+The on-board computer.
+All right. Wooo, what's that doohickey?
+Mr. Simpson, your brother told you to help us with this car now, didn't he?
+Oh yeah, he did!
+Hmmm hmmm, then why don't you get us some coffee.
+Oh, okay.
+Batting nine. Unky, Herbbbb!
+Ugh, oh boy.
+Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
+Oh fine. We're putting in an on-board something-or-other and rack-and-peanut steering...
+Homer...
+You didn't ask for rack and pinion steering, did you?
+Uh, yeah, I think I did.
+How could you ask for it? You don't even know what it is! You just called it rack and peanut steering.
+Uh, may I be excused, please?
+No! Homer, do you know why I gave you this job?
+Because you think I'm a genius?
+Nah, I don't think you're a genius.
+Because you think I'm dynamic?
+I don't think you're dynamic.
+You think I work well with others?
+No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Homer, I gave you this job because you're an average schmoo.
+Oh, great.
+All you need is a little self-confidence.
+Ah, Unky Herb, I don't know anything about cars.
+Can do, Mr. S.
+Bye, Unky Herb.
+Up...up...up. Listen to me, here's what you do. From now on, before you say anything, say to yourself, "If I was ever sure of anything, I'm sure of this." Do you understand?
+Sort of.
+Answer me again with self-confidence.
+Sort of!
+Now go get 'em.
+All right you eggheads! I want a place in this car to put my drink!
+Sir, the car has a beverage holder.
+Hel-lo? Hel-lo Einstein? I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell at the Kwik-E-Mart? The cup is this big!
+Extremely large beverage holder.
+And I'm not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car.
+Little... ball.
+And some things are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like tail fins! And bubble domes! And shag carpeting!
+Bubble domes.
+Y'ello. Uh-huh. Well, you know what, I'm glad you're nervous because that means we're on the right track... Uh huh... Uh huh... Uh huh... All right... all right. Okay, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna hang up, call me back and say the exact opposite of everything you just said. Good bye.
+Bart! Lisa! Come over here!
+What is it Unky Herb?
+I want you to hear what the guys down at the plant think of your old man.
+Y'ello.
+Homer Simpson is a brilliant man with lots of well thought out, practical ideas. He is insuring the financial security of this company for years to come. Oh yes, and his personal hygiene is above reproach.
+I want a horn here, here and here. You can never find a horn when you're mad. And they should all play "La Cucaracha."
+And sometimes, the kids are in the back seat, they're hollering, they're making you nuts. There's got to be something you can do about that.
+Maybe a built-in video game would keep them entertained?
+You're fired! What is my brother paying you for?
+What about a separate sound proof bubble dome for the kids? With optional restraints and nuzzles.
+Bullseye! And another thing. When I gun the motor, I want people to think the world is coming to an end! VROOM! VROOM! VROOM!
+The mouse is named Itchy.
+Uh huh.
+The cat is named Scratchy.
+Uh huh.
+They hate each other.
+And they're not shy about expressing it.
+Oh good, good, good, good.
+To think I've wasted my life in board rooms and stockholders meetings when I could have been watching cartoons. This old fool has wasted his life.
+Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic?
+Now this is spoiling them.
+No! No! No! No! No!
+Ladies and gentlemen... esteemed stockholders... members of the press... your Holiness. Tonight, we are going to witness automotive history.
+All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
+Homer gets...
+Powerful, like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding, like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.
+Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the Average Man... The Homer!
+Any questions?
+What does this monstrosity cost?
+Uh, Jerry, what's the sticker price?
+Eighty-two-thousand dollars! This monstrosity costs eighty-two-thousand dollars? What have I done! I mean the zoo was fun, but I'm ruined.
+Bye, Unky Herb.
+Bye, Herb.
+Gee, Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you would have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
+Maybe I would have been better off?! Maybe? Why, you spongehead, of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother.
+Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
+His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson.
+I'm here! Now where's that millionaire chip-off-the-old-block I call Sonny-Boy?
+Get in, Dad. I'll explain on the way home.
+I knew you'd blow it.
+What is it, boy?
+I thought your car was really cool.
+Thanks, boy. I was waiting for someone to say that.
+No! No! No! Bad dog! Let go! Bad Santa's Little Helper! Stop it! No, not the sports section! No!
+Stupid dog.
+No! Stay away! This is not for you! This is Homer food.
+Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day!
+Hmmm, Lisa, you don't look well.
+I'll make it, Mom. Just tape my lunch box to my hand.
+Ohhh.. my, you're burning up, and your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Doctor Hibbert.
+Marge, the dog is hungry!
+Well, then, feed him!
+Yes, Master.
+You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend...
+Hello, Doctor Hibbert? This is Marge Simpson.
+Uh, not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number? I see, quite ingenious.
+Doctor, I think Lisa has the mumps.
+Well, Mrs. Simpson, much as I'd like to rely on your diagnosis, I think it might be professionally derelict of me to do so. Let me check my schedule.
+Mm hm. Two o'clock is fine. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert.
+No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
+If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
+Fine. Then...
+Wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
+Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that. Have a nice day at school, Bart.
+Get my homework from Mrs. Hoover.
+Homework? Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps.
+Hey, Bart-dude.
+Hey, Otto-man.
+Yo, hairy bro.
+Go home, boy! Go... home!
+You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation!
+Y'ello.
+Simpson? This is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden right now!
+Oh, are you? Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle-ax, because my dog is tied up in the backyard.
+There's only one family on this block... no, on earth... inconsiderate enough to let a monster like that roam free.
+Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I am going to hang up on you. It is not my dog. I tied my dog outside myself. I am looking at him right --
+Hey Lenny, I need to leave early. Cover for me, will ya?
+Hey, sure thing, Homer.
+Well, howdaly-do, Simpson? Gettin' a little exercise, eh? Good for you, pal. Oh, look at this old rascal! He's a wet old baby boy, isn't he? Isn't he? You're just a water monster.
+Well, well. Mr. Universe takes a walk. Haw, haw!
+Mr. Universe, I wish!
+Look at that get-up. Heavy hands, ankle weights, that's cute, and ... Assassins!
+Oh, you betcha! You know, they got velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue, built-in pedometer, reflective sidewalls and little vanity license plates.
+Oooh! Oooh! How much? How much? How much?
+Well, you know they're not givin' 'em away. But sometimes you've just got to spoil yourself.
+Whoops, my heart rate's dropping. Better skedaddley-do.
+Hmmm, huh. discoloration of the saliva glands,
+Oh dear.
+...swelling of the peritage.
+I knew it.
+Yeah, it looks like little Lisa has the mumps. I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
+Oh, no. I don't want to fall behind my class.
+Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl! What's your favorite subject?
+Arithmetic.
+Arithmetic! Now before you know it, you will be back among your polygons, your hypotenuse, and your Euclidean algorithms. Now, you get rest now and have yourself a wowwipop.
+Y'ello, Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? The mumps? Oooh, the kissing disease! My little girl is growing up.
+Yuck. Quit it, Dad.
+So what does my little girl want? What? Let me write this down. Copies of "Teen Dream... Teen Scream... and Teen Steam Magazine." Well, okay. You're the sickie. Goodbye, Lisa.
+Well, Lisa, here it is; the Bouvier family quilt.
+Wow. Neat. It smells historic.
+For five generations, women in our family have each added a square to it. Now it's your turn.
+Oh, but I don't know how to sew.
+Oh yes, you do. You just don't know it. The memory of a million drop-stitches flows in your veins.
+Very impressive!
+You try it.
+You just need to develop a callous. See?
+You see. Now that's a sewing finger, honey.
+Oh man, two dollars. Uh, I'll take these three... They're for my daughter.
+Sure they are.
+Assassins!
+Oh, a hundred and twenty-five bucks!
+Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself... spoil yourself... spoil yourself.
+But I can't afford to...
+Simpson, I order you to buy those shoes!
+Okay, Flanders, you're the boss. Heh, heh, heh.
+This one's mine.
+"Keep on truckin'"? What does that mean?
+I didn't know then, and I don't know now.
+Here's your stupid homework.
+Ooh... phonics, functions, vocabulary, remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
+Here's your magazines. How many of these guys are named Corey?
+Eight. Thanks, Dad.
+Whoa! Assassins!
+Yep! Hee, hee. Read 'em and weep.
+Those are very elaborate sneakers.
+They better be for a hundred and twenty-five big ones!
+A hundred and twenty-five dollars!!
+I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
+Well, you bought all those smoke alarms and we haven't had a single fire.
+The manhunt... or should I say a woman hunt is on...
+You know, Joe. Yours is the only show I'll do...
+As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest.
+NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
+Well, Homer. There seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
+Oh school! Right. Yeah, that's your answer for everything!
+Oooh, this one looks very reputable.
+What lovely handwriting! Have a toffee... Such a neat job. Have at them... Well done!
+Now, if I could borrow... Satan's Little Helper...
+Santa's Little Helper.
+Ladies and gentlemen...
+Most of you already know that, with a little love and compassion, any puppy will grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. Stuff and nonsense, taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits. Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life: choke chain.
+You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands... Lay down!
+...followed by immediate correction...
+How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
+The dog's eyes will cross and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.
+Is my dog dead, ma'am?
+You don't know how often I'm asked that. "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.
+Jack, I think the baby might be yours.
+Oh, I'm sure it is, doll-face. But I'd like to see you prove it.
+You're treating me like garbage.
+That's because that's the way you love it, baby.
+Gee, is it always this good?
+Oh, I don't know, I just dip in and out... I'm only watching today because Brandy is coming out of her coma and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse...
+Ohh, that dog!
+Bad dog! Don't worry Snowball. You're safe with me.
+Mom, what will we do if Santa's Little Helper doesn't learn anything in obedience school?
+I don't know.
+Father McGrath! I thought you were dead.
+There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One is like a faithful friend and partner for life. The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson?
+Like a hose, your wrinkled highness.
+I've changed my mind. I decided I don't want these shoes.
+Hey, wait a minute. What happened here?
+Well, my faithful dog was bringing me my shoes and they fell apart in his mouth.
+I'm sorry, sir. Our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.
+Big cookie.
+Well, aloha!
+Would you like a free sample?
+The price is right.
+Mmmm. Macamadamia nuts.
+If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.
+Oh, so that's your little plan! Get us addicted, then jack up the price! Well, you win.
+Property of Hom-er J. Simp-son. Hands off.
+Look, Mom, I finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.
+Miss Winthrop, I was thinking...
+On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school. He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul. And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. He taught me that music is like a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.
+And look!
+Come on, Homer. I want you to see what your sick little girl did.
+MY QUILT! Six generations, gone.
+Now Marge, honey, honey, honey. Come on. Come on, don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to...
+No, MY COOKIE!
+This is not happening! This is not happening!
+Everybody in the kitchen! We're having a family meeting!
+We never had a family meeting before.
+We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.
+Homer, what are you saying?
+I'm saying...
+No way! You can't give my dog away! I'll set fire to my hair! I'll rip up all my clothes! I'll put sugar in the gas tank!
+I've suffered as much as anyone at the paws of this dog. But when I look into his vacant brown eyes, I just can't bear to let him go. I'm sure Mom agrees with me.
+No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.
+You do? Ha ha, ha ha ha!
+Homer, please. It's not just the quilt. He's a nice dog, but he chews up everything. He doesn't obey. He's not even housebroken. And we've spent all this money on an obedience school and I don't see any improvement.
+All right, all right. If Santa's Little Helper studies real hard and passes his finals and becomes a perfect dog, can we keep him then?
+Tch, tch. Oh, dear.
+...since you get paid either way, would it be a big deal to just let my dog pass?
+Dad, this is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love is to throw it away?
+Oh Lisa, if they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey.
+Oh, all right. If he passes obedience school, we can keep him.
+All right!
+See boy, it's not so hard. Here, roll over... roll over... like this.
+Congratulations, sonny. You've earned a toffee.
+Oh, thank you, you moldy old maid.
+Homer, can't we place this ad after the dog fails his test?
+No, we have to commit ourselves. Now take this down. "Free to loving home. World's most brilliant dog. Says 'I love you' on command."
+Type! Type!
+Now, sit! I said sit!
+Uh... Take a walk!
+Sniff that other dog's butt! See, he does exactly what I tell him.
+Oh no, we'd never give him away, but, we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. Hear what? Oh, sure. C'mere, boy! Put that prowler down. Come here! Come on boy! Say it, boy! Say "I love you" for the nice man! I lub you. Good dog! Good doggie! Isn't that amazing? See you soon. Woooo! Wooo!
+A lot of you think your dogs have mastered the "stay" command. Let's see if they can "stay" away from this Beef Wellington.
+Now... stayyy!
+Stay boy! Stay! Stay! Stayyy!!
+Oh, he'd be very happy at my farm. You know, people think only mules can pull carts. Impatient people think that, but patient people know better.
+Uh, you can pick him up tomorrow.
+I see. Rubber stamp, thank you very much, next in line! Is that it?
+Heavens to Mergatroid! Bart, perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered, one by one. But my time has not passed yet! The world does not need another college graduate who doesn't know how to sit!
+He'll sit, he'll sit. Come on, boy. Sit! Sit!
+Pull the chain!
+Correct the dog!
+I don't want to strangle my dog.
+PULL THE BLOODY CHAIN, BOY!
+I'm sorry, boy. You can't help being dumb.
+Hmmm, what are you doing, dear?
+Sewing a new quilt. You know, it's one thing to be a link in a chain. It's another to start one of your own.
+This patch commemorates the destruction of the old quilt.
+Well, you certainly captured the moment. Hmmm .
+Come on, boy, sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Oh, man!
+Bart, he's not gonna learn it now. Don't spend your last hours together tormenting the poor creature. Have some fun, frolic with him. Go get it, boy!
+I'm gonna miss you, boy.
+I thought we were gonna be pals forever. But, we're gonna have to say goodbye, because you don't understand a single word I say. If you just knew how important it was to learn sit...
+Wait a minute! You did it!
+... lay down...
+... shake hands?... stay!
+... speak!
+All right! Good boy! Roll over!
+You son-of-a-bitch. Good show!
+Dad, the next time we see you we'll do something more fun.
+COME TO PAPA, COME TO PAPA, DO...
+Oh, what could be more fun than today's trip to the liquor store. Thanks for the beef jerky.
+Say goodbye to Grampa, everyone.
+Goodb--
+You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
+Huh uh, he smells more like a photo lab.
+Stop it, both of you. Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
+Homer, that's terrible. We should be teaching the children to treasure the elderly. You know, we'll be old someday.
+My God, you're right, Marge. You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?
+Well...
+Marge, what do we do?
+Well, I think we better set an example.
+Absolutely. Our third Sunday of every month should be a pleasure, not a chore. Where's some place fun we can take Grampa next time?
+To the pony rides.
+Bo-ring.
+He can't ride ponies.
+Well, I always enjoy the glass blower at Old Springfield Towne.
+Oh, we saw that.
+The Museum of Barnyard Oddities.
+No, Bart. No!
+That's gross.
+I got it. The Springfield Mystery Spot.
+Dad, it's just a dumb mud puddle.
+Discount Lion Safari!
+Like I'm going to wreck 600 dollars worth of teeth on forty cents worth of old beef.
+Hey, these aren't my pills.
+Now, now, Mr. Simmons. Don't make me call Nurse Bronski.
+It's Simpson, dammit, and these aren't my pills.
+Excuse me, Nurse. My name is Simmons and I think I have the wrong pills.
+I get two red ones for my back spasms, a yellow one for my arrythmia, and two of the blue... ... est eyes I've ever seen in my life.
+Then, these must be...
+And I have your...
+They must have...
+Look at us. We're starin' at each other like a couple of stupid punk teenagers.
+I wasn't staring; it's my lazy eye. I'm Beatrice Simmons, but my friends call me Bea.
+We'll I'm Abraham J. Simpson. Care to tip the wrist with me?
+I would be delighted.
+So, tell me about yourself.
+Eh, widower, one son, one working kidney. And you?
+Widowed, bad hip and liver disorder.
+You left something out. Ravishing!
+And, what are you eh, doing tonight?
+Sitting alone in my room.
+Oh. Well, if you've got plans already...
+No, what were you going to say?
+Ah, nothin'.
+Oh, Abe, you were going to say something.
+Well, I was wondering if you and I, you know, might go to the same place at the same time and ... Geez, you'd think this would get easier with time.
+I'd love to.
+Okay, now, where's that pomade?
+Ah, damn, out of pomade. Oh, well.
+Ooh, hello, young lady, is your grandmother home?
+Oh, oh, oh, Abe. I can tell I better keep my good eye on you.
+Damn straight.
+EMBRACE ME, MY SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU.
+Embrace me, you irreplaceable you.
+DON'T BE A NAUGHTY BABY...
+MY SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU.
+MY SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU.
+Herman, a very special lady is having a birthday tomorrow.
+Ah, the Battleship New Jersey.
+No, you idiot. My girlfriend Bea. And since this is the only store I know --
+Ah, Grampa, nothing says "I love you" better than a military antique.
+Let's take a look at the bayonet case. Huh?
+Hey, what's that?
+That, my friend, was Napoleon's hat.
+It doesn't look like Napoleon's hat.
+Well, it's not the famous hat. It's the one he wore for a week in April, 1796, just before he defeated the Sardinians.
+Ooh. How much?
+Four hundred dollars.
+I'll give you five bucks.
+That's not the kind of offer you should make to a man with a Gattling gun under the counter. Why don't you try Grandma's World.
+Yo, active wear... I need a price check on a wool shawl.
+Dad! It's the third Sunday of the month. You know what that means.
+Go away.
+Oh, come on, Dad, I promise we'll have more fun this time. We're gonna see lions.
+I can't go. It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday.
+Oh, you have a girlfriend. Heh, heh, heh.
+Well, Happy Birthday, Bea. She can come with us. Hey, there's room for all your friends in the car.
+No, she's not invisible, you idiot. See, it's her birthday tonight.
+Yeah, right.
+Hey you kids, stop kicking the seat!
+I'm kicking the seat!
+Dad, don't you want to know where we're going?
+Discount Lion Safari!
+Damn these childproof doors.
+That'll be eighteen fifty.
+Do not feed animals. Do not allow animals in the car. Do not make eye contact with animals.
+Are we in Africa yet?
+Hey, didn't anybody notice this place sucks?
+It seems that most of the animals are sleeping.
+Well, let 'em sleep on their own time!
+Homer, are you sure this is the right way? The road seems to have gotten awfully bumpy.
+What a wing ding. This is much better than my girlfriend's birthday party.
+Bart, get out and push.
+Yeah, Bart, get out and push.
+No way, José.
+Okay, we've seen a lion. Can we go now?
+Oh, Beeeeeaaa!
+Mr. Simpson, I presume.
+Out of my way, I gotta date with an angel.
+You don't know how right you are, Abe.
+I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Bea passed away last night.
+Ohhhhh, noooo.
+It was her ticker. The Doc said her left ventricle burst.
+Ohhh. No, Jasper. They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.
+I can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pall bearer.
+I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
+Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything.
+Oh no! Dad's lost his hearing.
+No, you idiot. I'm ignoring you. You made me miss the last precious moments of Bea's life. I'll never speak to you again.
+I have no son!!!
+Oh, Bea.
+It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson?
+Who the hell are you?
+Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you.
+Really?
+There is one catch: You must spend one night in... a haunted house.
+Just kidding. Just kidding. Here's a check for one hundred and six thousand dollars, "to enjoy as you see fit." Ah, I'm touched.
+A hundred and six thousand dollars?
+Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson. By the way, old timer, I do wills. Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It looks just like a cigar! Isn't that something!
+Yell-o.
+Hello, Homer?
+Whoo-hoo. It's Dad. Dad's on the phone. He's calling me.
+Oh Dad. Oh, I knew you'd forgive me.
+I haven't forgiven you. I just inherited a hundred and six thousand dollars and I just had to tell you that you're not getting one thin dime. Heh, heh.
+Mr. Simpson?
+What is it?
+I couldn't help overhearing about your new-found fortune, and uh let me assure you that here at the Springfield Retirement Castle, money does make a difference.
+I mean, there are rub-downs and then there are rub-downs.
+Listen, you bloodsucker. Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated like human beings whether they have money or not?
+Yes, but it passes.
+You...oh you lousy son of a...
+I'll take it.
+Hey, big spender. Why the change of heart?
+Bea told me to enjoy my moola and I'm going to, dagnabit!
+So where to Pappy?
+Take me someplace fun.
+You're the boss. Next stop funsville!
+I miss Bea.
+I miss you, too.
+Oh Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas.
+Oh, I'm glad you're keepin' busy.
+Now, listen Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness.
+Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life.
+Abraham. If you're not happy with the money, why don't you spread it around? Make other people as happy as you made me.
+Oh, thanks Bea, I will.
+And go see your son -- he misses you.
+Aw, I miss him, too, the big fat dickens. Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you, what was death like?
+Not as scary as this!
+I miss my Daddy.
+Homer, this thing with your Dad has had you moping around the house for days. I think it's time for you to talk to someone who understands.
+Nunchucks.
+Nunchucks?
+Hi ya, you have reached Dr. Marvin Monroe's Anxiety Line. If you have a sullen teenager, press one, now. If you're estranged from your spouse, press two, now. If you have trouble maintaining an...
+Grampa!
+Sonny boy!
+Is there room at your table for a foolish old man?
+Well... sure. We'll have to move a chair in from the den, but it's no problem. Bart!
+Choose your corncob! En garde!
+Challenge accepted!
+All my precious sacks of gold...
+...couldn't buy me the pleasures of a simple family meal.
+Pass the bug juice, Dad.
+Wait your turn, you pig. I have an announcement to make. I have decided to give Bea's money away. There are people who really need it. I'm gonna let them come to me and plead their case, and then I'll decide who needs it most.
+Grampa, that's the noblest thought that's ever been expressed at this table.
+Give it to us, Grampa.
+Bart! Forgive him, Dad. He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing that pops into his head. But, you know, there's wisdom in his innocence.
+You don't want it.
+Yes, I do.
+Too bad. You ain't getting it.
+Not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie, the weather lady, has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo. All because of this man.
+Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson announced that he will give away over a hundred thousand dollars to the person - or persons - he finds most deserving.
+Is Grampa Simpson a modern day saint, a rich nut, or both? Only time will tell.
+This is Kent Brockman on line for an old man's money.
+I don't know.
+Now you see, Gramps, I want to customize the bus. Y'know, chop the top, jack it up, put mag wheels on it, psychedelic paint job, from hell, man. Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour. Here's an artist's rendering. Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick...
+Grampa -- I can call you Grampa, can't I?
+Yeah, yeah... go ahead.
+I need that money. Please, please...
+Wait... wait a minute... wait. You're the guy who owns the nuclear power plant.
+Well, the ownership is divided.
+What the hell do you think you're doing?
+Mr. Simpson, I dread the day when a hundred thousand dollars isn't worth groveling for.
+Get outta here.
+You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, old man.
+Here's the deal, Grampa. A guy, I think was an explorer, left this in the bar one night. It may be a map to ancient treasure, or directions to some guy's house, but to find out, we'll need money, we'll need provisions, and a two man diving bell.
+It's pretty stupid, but so far you're the front runner.
+It's a special isolation chamber. The subject pulls levers to receive food and warmth. The floor can become electrified and showers of icy water randomly fall on the subject. I call it the Monroe Box.
+Huh, uh. Well, it sounds interesting.
+Huh uh.
+How much will it cost to build?
+Oh, that's the beauty part, it's already built. I need the money to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of thirty.
+What are you trying to prove?
+Well my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and will harbor a deep resentment towards me.
+Hm, interesting.
+Let's see, I want a teargas can, a blue gun with paralyzer darts...
+A copy of Radioactive Man number 27. That's the first time he fights Dr. Crab. Then I wanna buy that baseball card where the guy is flippin' the bird.
+Oh yeah, I've seen that one.
+Oh and the
+What the hell is that?
+Why, it's a death ray, my good man. Behold!
+Hey, feels warm. Kinda nice.
+Well, it's just the prototype. With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby could destroy an area the size of New York City.
+But I want to help people, not kill 'em.
+Oh. To be honest, the ray only has evil applications.
+You know, my wife will be happy. She's hated this whole death ray thing from day one.
+Oh Lisa. What makes you think you deserve all that money?
+I don't deserve it, Grampa. No one here does. The people who deserve it are on the streets and they're in the slums. They're little children who need more library books and families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really wanted to, you could buy me a pony.
+You're right.
+I'll name her Princess and I'll ride her every day.
+No, you're right about all the poor souls who need a helping hand. I need to take a walk to clear my head.
+Oh, I'm exhausted.
+Oh, poor baby. Been lifting your wallet?
+No, I'll have you know, I've decided to give my money away to truly needy causes. But a hundred thousand dollars just isn't enough. I need more.
+Well, why don't you go on the seniors gambling junket? I bet you could double your money or even triple it.
+Well, it's tempting.
+Plus, they've got a ninety-nine cent shrimp cocktail.
+You've sold me.
+Slow down. Are you trying to get us killed?
+It's too hot, you maniac. Turn on the air, already.
+Hey, mellow out old dudes, or I'll jam this baby into a river.
+Miss, I'm looking for Abe Simpson.
+Huh uh.
+It's important I get a hold of him. I have to tell him I don't care about his money and I love him.
+We get that a lot.
+He left this morning with the senior casino junket.
+Casino?
+C'mon, everybody.
+Hello, I am Plato. Please partake of Keno, craps and the loosest slots in town. My philosophy is "Enjoy."
+Change, please.
+A double cheese burger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and for God's sakes, hurry!
+Five thousand dollars on, hmmmm, hmmm, let's see...a... what century is this?
+The twentieth.
+Great! Put it on number twenty.
+Excuse me. Excuse me, have you seen an old man with a lot of money? He looks like me, but he's wrinkled? Hello, have you seen a...
+Dad! Noooooooooo!
+Twenty, black.
+Holy Moly! You're winning!
+Beat it, boy, you're crampin' my style.
+Dad! Please, you gotta quit while you're ahead. You understand that, take all your money and leave now.
+Sorry, boy, I have to get enough to help everybody.
+But you could lose everything. Come on.
+Homer, I think Rudyard Kipling said it best: "If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss and lose, and start again at your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss... Yours is the earth and everything that's in it. And -- which is more -- you'll be a man, my son."
+You'll be a bonehead. Come on.
+Put it all on forty-one. I've got a feeling about that number.
+The wheel only goes to thirty-six, sir.
+Okay, put it all on thirty-six. I've got a feeling about that number.
+Dad, no! Gimme that.
+Get your clammy paws off my money.
+Gimme me that money. Ow! You're hurting me.
+Thirty-six, no!
+No more bets.
+Son, if this lands on thirty-six, I'll...
+Double zero.
+Son, you saved me from losing all my money. For the first time in my life I'm glad I had children.
+So, have you figured out who gets the money?
+Yes, Homer, I have.
+Come on in. Dignity's on me, friends.
+Live from Mt. Splashmore, the tri-county area's funnest water recreation facility. It's the Krusty the Clown Show!
+Hey, kids!
+You know, today's the last day of our special week on location at fabulous Mt. Splashmore. And I just want to say to the people here have been super to me and Sideshow Mel.
+The food, the grog... oh, they threw us a brunch yesterday with fresh fruit, and the most delicious melon, all we wanted. And, of course, the thing I'm gonna miss most -- those special, special Mount Splashmore Water slides, God bless 'em. So much fun. So many memories. Excuse me just a minute.
+It has been a great week, hasn't it, Lis?
+I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack this place just to show 'em how grateful I am. I told them you would. Don't make me a liar.
+Okay, kids. It's time to...
+Kroon along with Krusty!
+I WANT TO GO TO MT. SPLASHMORE. / TAKE ME! TAKE ME! TAKE ME! TAKE ME NOW! / NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! / MT. SPLASHMORE TAKE ME THERE RIGHT NOW!
+This is a rather shameless promotion.
+Hey, it worked on me.
+Me too.
+If I take you, will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME?
+Of course.
+Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
+Thanks, Dad.
+Thanks, Dad.
+C'mon Homer. Get the lead out!
+Homer, that suit doesn't leave much to the imagination.
+Heads up, kids. I'm moving the seat back.
+It is back.
+All right, everybody stick together. We don't want to get separated...
+Challenge the raging waters of death. Dare to discover what water is really made of. H 2 Whoooooaaaa!
+Whoooooaaaa!
+All right! No line!
+Aye carumba!
+Okay, Lis. Turn on the waterworks, babe.
+Mommy! I want my mommy!
+Step aside. Come on. Spread out, spread out. Lost kid. Comin' through. Look out, fatso. Comin' through. Comin' through. Pardon me. Movin' to the front of the line. Hey, Lis, nice work, babe.
+No, Maggie! Stay in the shallow end.
+The hell with this.
+Slide inspector comin' through! Please move to the right. Grab that handrail, young man. Outta my way, I'm here for your safety.
+God bless that man!
+Bitchin'.
+Oh no! Urg... Arrrgh. C'mon you stupid tube!!!
+Looks like there's a jam in delta sector.
+Well, it's too big to be human. Send down a few kids, that should dislodge it.
+OH NOOOOOO!!!!
+I... can't... breathe! Too... many... children...!
+... Eyewitnesses estimated the man's weight at somewhere between four and five hundred pounds...
+And now on the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely --
+No! The slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident.
+I understand that, Krusty. Isn't that exactly what you said right before the recall of tainted Krusty Brand Mayonnaise?
+Now Kent, you know that question is out of bounds. This interview is over.
+All right family, I want the truth. Don't pull any punches. Am I just a little bit overweight?
+Well, am I?
+Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response.
+Four Hundred and thirty-seven. Fifty-five. Oh my God, three hundred and... Hey, a hundred and fifty. Oh God, it's two hundred and sixty pounds! I'm a big fat pig.
+Now Homer, you do have big bones.
+Marge, no one gains thirty pounds of bone.
+But I'm going on a diet. From this day forward I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent, no donut too tasty, no pizza too laden with delicious toppings, to prevent me from reaching my scientifically determined ideal weight! As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again!
+Oh, shut up.
+This old attic's kinda spooky, isn't it boy. I said, isn't it, boy?
+Don't you ever do that to me again.
+Get away from that thing and help me find my athletic equipment.
+Hey, Homer, I found your weights.
+Ooh, the Glutimus Maximizer.
+Hey, who's the moptop with the big schnozz?
+Don't you know anything, boy? That's Ringo Starr.
+Your mother must have painted this. I guess she thought he was cute... Hey, what the...
+Oh, Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl, the Beatles were very popular and I had a crush on them.
+Likely story.
+Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?
+Now, Homer. We've got steamed vegetables and rice cakes for you.
+Well, wait a minute. Hey, I've been setting my drinks on these things.
+Now, they're only thirty-five calories apiece.
+Hello? Hello? Hello taste... where are you?
+You can put a little something on top for flavor.
+Hey, hey, now you're talkin'!
+Mom, these are really good. While I know first-hand how fragile young talent is, I'd love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed.
+Well...
+No, not another portrait of that bongo-beating Liverpudlian!
+But Mr. Schindler...
+Someone might have used this canvas to create a masterpiece. Instead, you've soiled it forever.
+Now, this is art!
+Thank you, Mr. Schindler.
+Oh Mom, I can't believe you gave up painting because of one small-minded art teacher.
+I was so upset I decided to send the portrait to the only man on earth whose opinion I could truly trust.
+And what was Ringo's response?
+I never got any. And I never painted again.
+Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College.
+I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer?
+Do I have to do anything?
+Great, fine, go nuts!
+Mmm, only thirty-five calories.
+Hello, Mrs. Homer!
+Apu! What are you doing here?
+I've just enrolled in a screenwriting class. I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it, "Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey!"
+Clever title.
+Oh, thank you. Actually, my brother Sanjay thought of it.
+Next up!
+My mother would like to enroll in "Painting From Life, 2-B".
+Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, there, pint size. I'm afraid no one can enroll until Professor Lombardo personally inspects and approves their portfolio.
+Oh, Lisa, this was a bad idea.
+Very good... Fabulous... Ooh, even better... You have real talent.
+Do you really think so? My high school art teacher hated them.
+What? The man was a fool! But, still, one must admire the force of his conviction.
+Then I'm in the class?
+Oh my dear, there couldn't be a class without you. Now if you'll excuse me, nature calls!
+Marvelous!
+The Heavy Hands don't work unless you move, Homer.
+I can't move, boy.
+Oh really.
+Now, using the "Lombardo Method", you learn to see everyday objects as a simple grouping of geometrical shapes.
+Smithers, find me an artist.
+Here we see how two concentric circles, various trapezoids, ellipses and, yes, even a rhombus, can create an adorable little bunny rabbit!
+It's just that easy!
+Lincoln Lincoln I been thinkin' what the hell have you been drinkin'? / Is it water is it wine? / Oh my God it's turpentine! / Faster! Faster!
+Bravo. Walk away from it! Now it belongs to the ages. You, not another stroke. Oh well, maybe one more. That's it! Perfect!
+Mmmm. Indeed. Marge, you find the inner beauty of your subject and bring it out for all to see.
+Well, thank you, Professor Lombardo.
+Well, you're welcome, my dear! Marge, walk with me.
+Marge, they've asked me to submit the best painting from my class to the Springfield Art Exhibition next week. I've decided to choose your "Bald Adonis"?
+Really? You're so supportive. I wish every teacher was like you.
+Marge, please. I don't take praise very well.
+Oh, another triumph!
+I can't believe it.
+Yay, Mom!
+Woo-ooo! I'm a work of art! "Last Supper", eat your heart out!
+Garbage! What matchbook art school did you flunk out of, you ham-fisted, nearsighted house painter? Smithers, throw this on the dung heap.
+I'm sorry, but this isn't working out. I quit.
+Well, Smithers, I guess that's what you call your "artistic temperament".
+Sir, I must remind you that the dedication of the Burns Wing of the museum is only six days away.
+Damnation, Smithers! This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait was as half-baked as your idea about me having children!
+Okay, shoot.
+Sir, I'm afraid you've systematically alienated Springfield's entire art community. The only one left is this Mrs. Homer Simpson.
+Well, she won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair, and as the wife of an employee, she'll be easily intimidated.
+Excellent. Once again the wheel has turned and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns to her sweet perfumed bosom. Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
+Somebody down here likes you, too, sir.
+Shut up.
+Woo woo! Two forty nine! Yeah!
+Marge, Marge. Look at me! My clothes are just hanging off me!
+Oh, that's wonderful, isn't it kids?
+Pass the moo juice.
+Kids. Remember what I told you about showing a little support.
+Way to go, Dad.
+You look mahvelous.
+What a family.
+Hey, what gives? These donuts are pilin' up!
+Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet.
+Oh my God! And I just bought a boat!
+Well, don't people answer the door these days?
+Allow me, sir.
+Open up!
+Mr. Burns. Would you like to come in?
+Mr. Burns would like to commission you to do a portrait of him. Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?
+Well, no... just Ringo Starr.
+Rin-go?
+He was the drummer for a rock 'n roll combo called the Beatles, sir.
+Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key caterwauling on the old Sullivan show. What was he thinking? Mrs. Simpson, this commission and all its glory can be yours, but first you must look me straight in the eye and answer one simple question.
+Can you make me beautiful?
+I don't think that will be a problem.
+I'm no matinee idol.
+Well, maybe not, but I have the gift of being able to see inner beauty.
+Hmmm. Mrs. Simpson, you may immortalize me.
+Ah, sir, at last the world will see you as I always have.
+Yes, yes, yes! Now don't be stingy with the blush, Smithers.
+Now you! Paint!
+Honey, I'm home!
+Oh, there's an original sentiment.
+Take it outside, Simpson. I'm male modeling.
+I'm painting his portrait, Homer.
+Oh, isn't that wonderful. My work and my home life come together in such a nice way. Marge, may I see you in the other room?
+Honey, he's nuts. He thinks he's handsome. Please, make him look handsome. Please, please, please, please...
+Now, Homer, don't worry. All I need to do is find Mr. Burns' inner beauty.
+What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns? Did you have a dog that you loved.
+Well, aieeee! There's something on my leg! Get it off! Get it off!
+Mr. Burns, she's just a baby.
+All right, all right, who took the funny pages?
+So, Ziggy goes to the repair shop and there's a sign on the doorbell reading "Out Of Order."
+Ah, Ziggy... will you ever win?
+Oh, my.
+If you'll excuse me, I'm changing for a board meeting.
+I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns.
+Hey, Mom. Did he have those spots all over his body?
+I heard that.
+Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir?
+Of course not, Smithers. You're like a doctor.
+Smithers, I want my tea!
+Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
+Actually, I value every second we're together -- from the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend, too.
+Bah! Too hot!
+You're right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak.
+Dear Sally. In response to your letter of December the twelfth 1966, me favorite color is blue and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Luv, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
+Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
+Just set it over there.
+Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
+Well, Wetherby, they took the time to write me and I don't care if it takes me another twenty years... I'm going to answer every one of them.
+Hello! What's this?
+From Springfield, U.S.A.
+Will you cease that infernal tootling!
+I was just practicing.
+Mr. Burns, it's hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old girl.
+We've only got two days left, so I'd advise you to shut up and paint!
+All right, scale. You don't like me and I don't like you, but I've been very good, so you better treat me right.
+All right! Woo woo! Woo woo!
+Marge! I'm two-thirty-nine and I'm feeling fine! Look! I'm using the original notches that came with my belt.
+That's wonderful Homer, I'm so proud of...
+Let me get this straight. You're pleased with your current appearance? Ah, why my good man, you're the fattest thing I've ever seen. And I've been on safari.
+If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator.
+Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your... posing. I can finish the portrait myself.
+Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a white valium. Thank you for your gracious hospitality. See you at the unveiling.
+Homer, what are you doing?!
+No. Burns is right. What's the use?
+Don't you listen to him. He's just a mean little S.O.B.
+I thought there was some good in everybody until I met him.
+Yeah, well, just so long as you paint a nice picture of him by noon tomorrow.
+I don't think I can.
+What?! Marge, you have to.
+I can't make that man beautiful. I'm just not good enough. I guess I'm no artist.
+Hello, what's this?
+It's for you, Marge. From merry old England.
+From the desk of Ringo Starr!
+Dear Marge. Thanks for the fab painting of yours truly. I hung it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England, but we call french fries chips. Luv, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
+Come on, Marge. Paint. I think you can do it.
+Okay, Homer. If you think I can.
+Friends, art lovers, security personnel. Today is a red letter day for the Springfield Palace of Fine Art. A new wing for our museum and a portrait commemorating the man who ponied up the dough.
+Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold... Montgomery Burns!
+Smithers!
+I don't care for this at all.
+Ewwwwww!
+Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children.
+More asbestos! More asbestos! More asbestos! More asbestos!
+Umm... Hello. My name is Marge Simpson and I painted this. Maybe you'd like to know what possessed me to do it. Well, I guess I wanted to show that beneath Mr. Burns' fearsome head with its cruel lips, spiteful tongue and evil brain, there was a frail withered body -- perhaps not long for this world -- as vulnerable and beautiful as any of God's creatures.
+Provocative, but powerful.
+He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.
+Marge... a word, please.
+You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate. And I don't hate this. Your painting is bold but beautiful. And uh, incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
+I thought I did.
+Did you hear about Miss Hoover? She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake.
+Uh, I heard she fell down a well.
+Come on now. Oh.
+My god, she's been dumped again.
+Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
+What's Lyme disease?
+Uh, I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites, called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you and begins sucking your blood,
+Malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid, and on into the brain.
+The brain? Oh, dear God!
+Come on, Elizabeth. Come, come.
+Well now, children, here we are, open your primers to page 32.
+Ah, substraction.
+Bart Simpson... I know it's you.
+And here comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.
+Ewwwwwww!
+We were going to keep the gray one, but the mother ate her.
+As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately.
+Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in.
+No children, your not seeing things, this, my little friends, is a schwa.
+Are you the substitute?
+Yes, sir. Yes I am.
+Are you insane?
+No, no sir. No, I'm not. It's my way of getting their attention.
+Well, all right. Play friendly with your new teacher, children!
+Howdy. I am a Texas cowboy. The year is 1830. You young'uns ask me any questions you like.
+Can we play kickball instead of science after lunch?
+Kickball? Son, there ain't no kickball in 1830. Any other questions?
+Shoot! It's awfully quiet on the plains here. Well, how about this? Everybody, I want to see two eyes on every single person staring right at me, right now. There are three things wrong with my costume. Anybody names those three things will get my hat.
+I believe I know the answer.
+Well, well, wha... wha...what's your name?
+Lisa Simpson.
+Well, go ahead, Miss Simpson.
+Um, one: Your belt buckle says "State of Texas", but Texas wasn't a state until 1845.
+Very good.
+Two: the revolver wasn't invented until 1835.
+That's excellent.
+Three: You seem to be of the Jewish faith.
+Are you sure I'm Jewish?
+Or Italian?
+I'm Jewish.
+And there weren't any Jewish cowboys.
+Speech! Speech!
+I had a speech ready... but my dog ate it!
+Very good! That's excellent! And I'm also wearing a digital watch, but I'll accept that. Here you go, little lady. And for the record there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely. I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want. Two suggestions are Mister Nerdstrom and Mister Boogerstrom.
+Boys and girls, today we will begin selecting a class president.
+I'm not allowed to vote, but I strongly suggest you elect Martin. Martin...
+As your president, I would demand a science fiction library featuring an A-B-C of the Overlords of the genre: Asimov, Master, Clarke...
+What about Ray Bradbury?
+I'm aware of his work. Thank you and keep watching the skies.
+Excellent Excellent, Martin.
+If you're through with your pemmican, why don't we sing a song about cowboys? Now this one's not very accurate, but we can fix it up as we go along. Okay?
+Home, home on the range. Actually, the range was far from home, it was a very desolate place where danger and disease rode tall in the saddle. Where the deer and the antelope play. Unlike the efficient Indians, cowboys used only the tongue of the antelope and they threw the rest away.
+Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day.
+Hey, what's this? Did you do it?
+No! No! It wasn't me! I would never do anything like that. It was just one of those immature people who, instead of building themselves up --
+It's neat. Can I have it?
+Yes, but I didn't do it.
+Are you sure you didn't do it? It's good.
+No, but I'm starting to wish I had.
+Ladies and gentlemen, the Singing Dork!
+Any other nominations?
+We nominate Bart Simpson!
+Children! Bart, I need someone very reliable to deliver an important message to the principal's office.
+Would you do it for me?
+Why, Mrs. Krabappel! How would I know where the principal's office is?
+People, what have I told you about encouraging him? When Bart wins approval for making a fool of himself, it makes him think that --
+Yay, Bart!
+Nobody, of the hundreds of people that visited the fair, knew that a grey spider had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died."
+Come on, Janey, everybody has a talent. I want to see yours, that's all.
+I don't have a talent.
+You cannot talk like that. There has to be something that you can do better than anybody else.
+Well, I can do this --
+Yes! Great! Ok, how about you, Ralph?
+Wonderful! Chuck?
+Oh, that's disgusting. I love it! Lisa... come on, you're holding out on us. I see a saxophone over there!
+I can't.
+Come on, Lisa, I bet you're good.
+No, really, I can't.
+Sure you can; just try.
+Please don't make me do it.
+All right. You owe me something special.
+So while I'm technically still married, there really hasn't been any marriage to speak of since Mister Krabappel moved into his little "love nest."
+This profession can put a lot of strain on a marriage.
+Since he's been gone, I've been looking for a substitute to teach me a lesson I sorely need.
+Mrs. Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me.
+Well...
+I'm sorry, Mrs. Krabappel, you're very nice, but it's the children I love.
+When I fall asleep, Mr. Bergstrom is the last thing I think of, and he's my first thought when I wake up.
+Hmmm, I feel that way about your father.
+No, no. You don't understand. When Mr. Bergstrom smiles, you only see these teeth --
+-- but when you really make him laugh, you can see these two teeth. I think they're called the eye teeth.
+I don't know if he had orthodontic work or what, but they're absolutely perfect.
+Hmmm, I notice little things about your father, too.
+No, Mom. This is different. I mean, this man makes you feel like there's nobody better.
+Your father does that to me.
+Mom, are we gonna talk, or are we gonna talk?
+Lisa, we can talk, but first you have to accept the fact that I feel that way about your father!
+Yesterday, he read us "Charlotte's Web", and cried at the end, never trying to hide his tears.
+A book made him cry! Boo hoo hoo!
+Waaaaaaaah!
+Remember, nobody, and I mean nobody gets back in after lunch without one igneous rock, that's volcanic, and one sedimentary, and that is layered. Lisa, can I see to you for a minute.
+Yes! Yes, Mr. Bergstrom?
+Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
+No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
+Well, there's no shame in it. I mean my Dad could really --
+Not mine.
+You didn't let me finish.
+Unless the next word was burp, you didn't have to.
+In a sample taken in this very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos --
+That's not enough! We demand more asbestos! More Asbestos!
+Wow! You made the front page.
+Aw, Dad. It's just a popularity contest.
+Just a popularity contest?! Excuse me, what's more important than popularity? Now, Bart, do you really think you can win?
+Sure, why not?
+Woo woo! All right! I always knew you had personality. The doctors said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better. President Simpson. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it, boy?
+Hm, yeah.
+Now, go get 'em.
+He says, there aren't any easy answers! I say, he's not looking hard enough!
+Oh, you'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.
+You're going to miss your brother's antics.
+When? When your life takes you places the rest of us have only heard about.
+Places where my intelligence will be an asset, not a liability?
+Yes, there is such a place, believe me. It's true.
+I believe everything you say, with your words, your body language and your Semitic good looks.
+"Dear Miss Hoover: You have Lyme disease. We miss you. Kevin's biting me. Come back soon. Here is a drawing of a spirochete. Love, Ralph."
+Oh, that's great, Ralph!
+Hey, kids. I've learned that in two weeks the Springfield Museum of Natural History will be closing forever due to a lack of interest. I urge you to see it while you can.
+Hmmm, Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, and I think you should take her.
+The Museum!
+Hmmm huh.
+Tomorrow... ugh; oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on... sleeping... eating a big sandwich... watching T.V... spending some time with the boy. Spending time with the boy. The boy needs attention, Marge.
+Homer, I've been talking to Lisa and I'm concerned about your relationship with her.
+Me, too, Mom. I think they're drifting apart.
+Shut up, boy.
+Homer, please.
+Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because... you're trapped. If you were smarter, you might think of something, but you're not so you just might as well... all right! All right! I'll take her. Lousy brain.
+Hey, what do you mean by, "Suggested Donation"?
+Pay any amount you wish, sir.
+And what if I "wish" to pay zero?
+Then it's up to you.
+Oooh, so it's up to me, is it?
+I see, and you think that people are gonna pay you four dollars and fifty cents, even though they don't have to, just out of the goodness of their... Well, anything you say! Good luck, lady! You're gonna need it!
+Mr. Bergstrom!
+Hi, Lisa.
+Hey! You don't have to pay! Read the sign!
+And this must be your father.
+His teeth had jagged edges to rip through your body, but he could've swallowed you whole!
+Actually, Mr. Simpson, they do know a great deal about the process of mummification. First, they pulled the brain out through the nose with an iron hook, and stuffed the insides with sawdust and onions!
+Ewww. Gross.
+Ohh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than of the Wolf Man.
+Oh Lord.
+Mr. Simpson... I'm gonna be presumptuous. I have noticed that Lisa seems to feel she has no strong male role model.
+She said that?
+Well, no, she didn't say it, but, you know, she...
+But you can tell, right? She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education, youthful looks and a clean credit record and thinks, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this fat old piece of -- "
+Mr. Simpson, you have got to be a bigger man. There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.
+Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A.
+I am giving her an A.
+Great. But don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it.
+Mr. Simpson, she did earn it.
+You are smooth. I'll give you that.
+He ruined the one chance I had of getting to know Mr. Bergstrom outside of school.
+Well... I'll tell you what. Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner?
+Oh, Mom, that's wonderful. Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it!
+Can I wear your jewelry?
+Can I get my ears pierced?
+Can I dye my shoes pink?
+Can I paint my nails?
+Can we have wine?
+Can I have wine?
+Does Bart have to be there?
+Can we do it this week?
+Mr. Bergstrom, we request the pleasure of your company... no... Mr. Bergstrom, if you're not doing anything this Friday... no... Mr. Bergstrom, do you like pork chops... oh no, of course you wouldn't...
+Good morning, Lisa.
+I'm back.
+You see, class, my Lyme disease turned out to be...
+Psy-cho-so-ma-tic.
+Does that mean you were crazy?
+No, that means she was faking it.
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