diff --git "a/unformated_scripts/Script_After School Special.txt" "b/unformated_scripts/Script_After School Special.txt" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/unformated_scripts/Script_After School Special.txt" @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL written byDavid H. Steinberg FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT December 21, 2001 FADE IN:1 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 1 As we wind down the crowded hallway in this typical American high school...1A ANOTHER CORRIDOR 1A ...we hear all the sounds of a STANDARD PORNO FLICK, from the unenthusiastic screams of fake ecstasy to the cheesy music.1B INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - DAY 1B The sounds echo in the empty hall. Behind the stage a light from an open door... MATT (O.S.) This is unwatchable. It's not even in focus. And geez, look, the boom mike is in the shot. This is really shoddy work.1C INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM - DAY 1C The door leads into this room, as we continue on to a TV MONITOR displaying a sweaty guy's ugly face. DEACON (O.S.) Why do they always show the guy's face? It's like, can't we just assume he's enjoying it? We slowly PULL BACK from the TV. FRED (O.S.) Because they're trying to make us feel like we're better looking than that guy, so we should be able to get chicks as hot as her. DEACON (O.S.) How the hell do you know? FRED (O.S.) It's a basic rule of porno. Finally, we REVEAL our three heroes: MATT, FRED, and DEACON. They're watching the porno...2 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM - DAY 2 ... before school with the sound turned way down, but you can still hear the porno. The three guys are sitting with their book bags on their laps to conceal any possible bonerage. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 2. DEACON (V.O.) It all started on my seventeenth birthday with our usual morning routine: film appreciation. The school bell RINGS and Deacon clicks off the TV. FRED Deacon! What are you doing? I was watching that. DEACON Come on, let's go. We're going to be late. DEACON (V.O.) (CONT'D) And when I say film appreciation, I mean film duplication. Fred steals them, Matt copies them, and I sell them. Matt walks over to the TV and presses eject on five VCR's. The original plus four copies pop out. CLOSE ON the original tape: "Ramalot Productions presents Dirty Darla #7," as Matt hands it to Fred and the copies to Deacon. They smile.3 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY 3 The guys are waiting in line for lunch. DEACON (V.O.) Fred's the kind of kid who's basically given up on high school. He figures his glory days are way ahead of him. FRED First, I go to Yale, then Harvard law, then when I'm making a hundred grand a year, I'll have a whole stable of hot chicks sitting around topless on my yacht. He smiles ears to ear, looking for approval. MATT (to Deacon) Will that work? DEACON (to Fred) You are a complete moron. Deacon and Matt walk off. Fred calls after them. FRED What? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 3.4 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 4 The video monitors up and down the hallways display an image that reads "Fifteen Days Till Midterms." Fred sees two AMAZING GIRLS walking towards him. DEACON (V.O.) Until that big payday, Fred's sex life consists of spanking it. AMAZING GIRL That test was sooo hard. That's too much for Fred to take. He adjusts his pants, turns ninety degrees, and makes a beeline for:5 INT. BOYS' BATHROOM - DAY 5 Fred looks under the stalls to make sure no one's in there, then enters a stall and locks the door. He puts his book bag down, then places a protector on the toilet seat and sits down. He pulls a large wad of toilet paper off the roll. Then, from out of the book bag, Fred pulls a bottle of Moisty-Mate hand lotion. He smiles.6 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 6 Fred is walking to class when he spots a HOT GIRL, rubbing a stain off of her shirt. Another HOT GIRL grabs her arm. HOT GIRL We're going to be late. Are you coming? Fred perks up.7 INT. BOYS' BATHROOM - DAY 7 Fred walks into the stall and grabs the toilet protector. DEACON (V.O.) Fred averages two to five time a day, depending on how many girls he sees in the hallway.8 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 8 Matt is videotaping the students (including J.T. and Mark) running down the hallway to class. Fred watches. DEACON (V.O.) Now Matt-- Matt's what you'd call a late bloomer. Secretary of the Audio Visual Club, amateur filmmaker, and complete dork. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 4. J.T. and Mark grab Matt's camera and film each other flipping him off. Matt grabs it back and the Twins walk away laughing. Fred shakes his head. FRED What are you doing? MATT All great directors start this way. I'm documenting the essence of high school. Teenagers running to meet their destiny only to find it's just home room. It's very existential. FRED So's my balls. See you later.9 OMITTED 910 INT. OUTSIDE THE LOCKER ROOMS - DAY 10 Matt trudges into the locker room area, holding a towel to his bloody nose. DEACON (V.O.) In the normal course of things, Matt probably wouldn't even have been our friend, but Fred likes having someone to boss around, and I think Matt's actually pretty cool once you get to know him. Just then, the burly GIRLS' SWIM TEAM COACH comes out of the girls' locker room. She walks by Matt without noticing, and the door to the locker room closes slowly. Matt's attention is drawn to it. The door stops with a CREAK, a sliver of daylight still visible. Matt shakes his head and starts to walk away towards the boys' locker room. Then, he stops. He's torn. He's still too immature to really be interested, but he thinks he should be. He looks around quickly, then slowly approaches the door. He turns his head sideways, and places it up against the crack.10A MATT'S POV 10A The proverbial jackpot. Teenage girls changing. Bras. Panties. Towels...10B REVERSE ANGLE 10B Matt's eyes widen. And then, they CLOSE TIGHT. He quickly scurries away. DEACON (CONT'D; V.O.) Well, at least he's got the key to the A/V room. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 5.11 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 11 Deacon talks quietly to a DORKY FRESHMAN. DEACON Dirty Darla #7 is a modern classic. This is grade-A porn, my friend. Worth a lot more than twenty dollars. DORKY FRESHMAN Sweet. He hands him the money and Deacon makes the exchange for the tape. The freshman clutches it like gold and scurries away. Deacon heads out down the hallway towards his locker. He sees a gaggle of teenage GIRLS gossiping. DEACON (V.O.) People always talk about how tough it is being a teenage girl. I mean, if I have to watch one more TV movie about bulimia or self mutilation or vaginal dryness... Deacon reaches his locker and opens it. He sees some CHEERLEADERS bouncing down the hallway. Deacon takes out some books for class. DEACON (CONT'D; V.O.) (CONT'D) I'll tell you what's really hard. Being a seventeen year old boy. Imagine what it's like to have only one thing on your mind all day, every day, but to have absolutely no way of getting it.12 INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY 12 CLOSE ON a textbook showing the anatomy of the vagina. PULL BACK to reveal Deacon, seemingly staring into space, but really staring at... DEACON (V.O.) Testosterone is a drug more powerful than heroin. I don't really have any evidence to support that, but the point is, a horny teenage boy will do almost anything for even a glimpse of sex. ... his BIOLOGY TEACHER's erect NIPPLES visible through her conservative bra and blouse. Aside from her flashing headlights, she's the kind of woman you wouldn't notice even if you were alone with her on a two-man luge. But that doesn't matter-- Deacon can't take his eyes off of them. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 6. BIOLOGY TEACHER (in the background) ... the increase in the hormone testosterone causes certain physiological changes in the adolescent male... DEACON (V.O.) We're suffering. Suffering from a deep, debilitating addiction to something we've never even had. Teenage boys are like time bombs, ready to explode. BEHIND DEACON Two GUYS are whispering. GUY 1 Did you hear about Rachael? GUY 2 No, what happened? GUY 1 John Baldwin nailed her. Deacon bolts upright and spins around, concerned. DEACON Are you talking about Rachael Unger? GUY 1 Yeah. It was at Richard Rosenblatt's party. In the bathroom. DEACON (crushed) You're kidding.13 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK) 13 RACHAEL UNGER, Deacon's girlfriend at the time, is naked under Deacon's sheets after school one day. Deacon ENTERS from the bathroom and is immediately surprised by her state of undress. DEACON Rachael! What are you doing? She sits up and strikes a sexy pose. RACHAEL We've been together for a year now, and I thought it was time to take our relationship to the next level. Deacon is becoming very nervous. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 7. DEACON Now? RACHAEL You've been talking about this for months. DEACON I didn't think you were listening to me. Suddenly, Rachael becomes a little self-conscious. RACHAEL Don't you want to? DEACON Of course I do. But, I, um... I don't have anything... She pulls out a condom. RACHAEL I do. But he's still hesitating. RACHAEL (CONT'D) Deacon, what's the problem? Deacon looks at her waiting there for him, his for the taking. An eternity passes. Then, DEACON I have a math test tomorrow.14 INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY (END FLASHBACK) 14 The Teacher CLEARS HER THROAT and Deacon snaps out of it. He turns away from the guys behind him as they continue to describe the John Baldwin incident. DEACON (V.O.) "I have a math test tomorrow." The bottom line is, I just couldn't do it. I don't know why, I just couldn't. And I've cursed myself every day since then. Deacon is suddenly...15 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 15 ... very depressed as he trudges to his locker. Which is nothing compared to how he feels when he looks FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 8. DOWN THE HALLWAY and sees Rachael at her locker, hugging some people good-bye (including a good-looking guy who must be JOHN BALDWIN). Rachael looks down the hallway towards Deacon, but Deacon ducks away. Now he's even more embittered.16 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 16 Fred and Matt are walking towards their bikes after school. FRED Did you videotape it? MATT (sarcastically) Yeah. I took my camera to gym class with me. FRED You are the biggest moron I have ever known. Just then, Deacon comes up to them. DEACON Hey, guys. Here's the money. He hands out the proceeds from the operation, and Matt notices that Deacon is a little out of sorts. MATT Something wrong? Deacon lets out a deep breath. DEACON Yeah. I heard Rachael Unger did it with John Baldwin. FRED Well, you had your chance. I told you to seal that deal. DEACON Shut up, Fabio. I don't see you sealing any deals. FRED I'm biding my time. DEACON Whatever. It just wasn't good timing.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 9. FRED It doesn't get any better than that. You and Rachael were perfect for each other. And naked girls don't just appear out of thin air. (scoffs) "I have a math test tomorrow." DEACON Will you shut up already? (beat) Look, I've been thinking about this all day. We're juniors now. Upperclassmen. MATT So?They reach the bike rack and start unlocking their bikes. DEACON So we have a responsibility to ourselves to start having fun and getting girls. This year is our year. (takes the chain off his bike) There's nothing holding us back any more.Over in the parking lot, JAKE, a studly senior, revs theengine on his truck. Two hot girls, KELLY and WENDY, sit onhis bumper, chatting. DEACON (CONT'D) You see? That's exactly what I'm talking about. That could be us. FRED That's not going to be us this year, or next year, or any year, ever. DEACON Why not? All we have to do is follow the simple lessons of Tony Montana in "Scar Face." MATT Ooh. Good movie. DEACON AND MATT (with Cuban accents) "First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women." FRED So, we're going to become Cuban drug lords? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 10. DEACON Listen, the porno pirating operation is bringing in plenty of money. When I get my new car tonight for my birthday, we'll have the power to go wherever we want. Then, there's nothing stopping us from getting the girls. Fred and Matt look at Deacon warily. Is this a plan? Then, the hot girls and Jake drive past the guys. JAKE Bye, Sphincter! They laugh, then peel out with the radio blasting. FRED Nothing's going to change, Deacon. You're still going to be the kid who shit his pants in fifth grade and no one will ever let you forget it. DEACON I had a stomach virus, asshole. Just then, a super hot CHEERLEADER drops her car keys and bends over to pick them up. FRED Oh, that's just not fair. Fred adjusts himself.17 OMITTED 1718 INT. VIDEO CASA DEL RUSS A.K.A. RUSS'S VIDEO MAGIC - DAY 18 Fred arrives dressed for work (name tag, shirt, etc.) and waves to RUSS, the scraggly owner of this small video rental store. Fred passes J.T., Mark, Wendy, and Kelly and a bunch of other CUSTOMERS on his way to the back section of the store. ADULT SECTION Fred makes sure Russ isn't looking and ducks into the porno section. Hurriedly, he pulls out "Half-Cyborg 5: Final Showdown" from his book bag. But inside the case is the tape for "Dirty Darla #7." He makes the switch. Fred sighs a breath of relief, smiles, and walks out of the adult section... MAIN AREA ...right into...FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 11. RUSS Gotcha!Fred SCREAMS. RUSS (CONT'D) I've been watching you.Russ grabs Fred by the shoulders and throws him up againstthe shelf, shaking him with every word. RUSS (CONT'D) Those movies aren't for little monkey- boys! FRED Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!The Customers stop to stare at the scene. Fred breaks free,and Russ chases after him. RUSS Come back here, you bastard!Russ runs after him and DIVES at Fred's legs, knocking himand entire shelf of tapes over. The tape FLY EVERYWHERE. Fredis still SCREAMING.Russ starts shouting at Fred so that everyone can hear. Acrowd gathers around to watch the spectacle. RUSS (CONT'D) What else you got in here?Russ rips open Fred's bag and pulls out items, looking formore tapes. Fred tries to stop him, but the old man has aniron grip and keeps him away.Fred cringes as Russ exposes porno magazines, kleenextissues, baby wipes, the bottle of Moisty-Mate FirmingLotion, Q-tips, women's sexy underwear, surgical gloves...Wendy and Kelly are completely grossed out. RUSS (CONT'D) (totally confused) What's this for?...and a Barbie-type DOLL with a pullstring. Russ pulls it. DOLL I'm Candy. Let's play dress-up.The crowd is now seriously disturbed. MARK Dude. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 12. Fred sits there, whimpering on the ground.19 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY 19 Deacon drives the DMV Tester Car under the watchful eye of the DMV TESTER. DEACON And I signal exactly two hundred feet before the turn. Rule 108-1. The unimpressed Tester remains expressionless. DMV TESTER Great. Now after the right, I want you to parallel park in the open space. Deacon complies. DEACON I begin the parallel parking maneuver by pulling within three feet of the forward vehicle. I now shift into reverse while turning the wheel two revolutions clockwise... The Tester rubs his brow.20 INT. DMV - DAY 20 FLASH! Deacon's picture is taken. He passed.21 OMITTED 2122 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAY 22 It's dark, but suddenly the lights come on. EVERYONE Surprise! Deacon pretends to be surprised. DEACON Wow. This is great. The room is sparsely populated with a few of Deacon's RELATIVES, his MOM and DAD, younger brother MAX (14), and ROGER, a wheelchair-bound nerd with a face full of orthodontic headgear and braces. MATT Were you surprised? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 13. DEACON Yeah. MATT Really? DEACON Really. I was. ROGER Happy birthday, Deacon. It's Lois Lane #2. Be careful. It's still in the wrapper. He hands Deacon a comic book, still in the plastic bag. DEACON Thanks.23 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LATER 23 Half-eaten cake and ice cream, unwrapped presents. Matt videotapes the event. MR. LEWIS Are you ready for the big present? DEACON (laying it on thick) You mean there's more? Deacon can hardly contain his excitement. MR. LEWIS It's in the garage. Come with us. He follows them, looking back knowingly at Fred and Matt.24 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 24 The door opens, the lights come on, and Deacon's face drops. No new car. Instead, several large wrapped boxes. Deacon halfheartedly rips open the paper. MR. LEWIS It's a new computer system. You've been talking about it for months. But his Mom can see his expression. MRS. LEWIS What? That's not what you wanted? DEACON No, it is. It's just-- FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 14. MAX I'll take it. MRS. LEWIS Max! MR. LEWIS We can exchange it if it's not the right one. DEACON No, I just thought-- I thought you guys were buying me that car I wanted. Max snickers. MRS. LEWIS A car? Why do you need a car? MR. LEWIS You can ask permission to use our car whenever you want, champ. They put their arms around Deacon and smile warmly. Deacon looks over at his parents' Aerostar Minivan. Everyone moves back into the house, except Deacon's parents, who linger. MR. LEWIS (CONT'D) I told you he didn't want a new computer. MRS. LEWIS Like you know what anyone in this house really wants.25 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 25 The guys set up the computer. Deacon is really depressed. DEACON Now what are we going to do? FRED At least you got this great party. MATT Actually, we were expecting a lot more people. Fred elbows him. MATT (CONT'D) What? DEACON You invited more people? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 15. FRED Well, we did send out flyers to like three hundred people from school. DEACON And no one showed up? ROGER I did. Deacon looks back at Roger. DEACON Great. ROGER Uh, guys. No one showed up because they're all at Tom Cooperman's house. He's having a keg party. FRED What? Why didn't I hear about this? That shit's not right. ROGER I heard it from Rahim. He beamed me the 411 in study hall. A beat. Deacon's anger turns to action. DEACON Let's go. MATT Why? FRED Yeah. Tom Cooperman kicked me in the balls in third grade, and I swear there is still a footprint on my nutsack. DEACON Come on, guys. Can I just get one thing that I ask for on my goddamn birthday? MATT He's got a point. FRED Fine. Watch your balls.25A OMITTED 25A FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 16.25B INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT 25B CLOSE ON a set of feet, stomping on a Sony D.D.R. mat. REVEAL TOM COOPERMAN dancing up a storm, in a heated competition against several challengers. The CROWD goes wild at Coop's moves. The DOORBELL RINGS. Continuing his dance steps, Coop moves to the door.26 EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT 26 Deacon, Fred, and Matt stand on the porch, waiting. The door opens, and we see Coop dancing all the way to the front door. COOP (ad lib) Grommets! DEACON Hey, Coop. Can we come in? Coop un-pockets a tiny piece of paper with a thousand names on it. He examines it for a long time. COOP Sorry, son, that dog won't hunt. Y'all ain't on the list. He goes to close the door. Deacon stops it with his foot. Fred flinches. DEACON Coop. It's my birthday today, so cut me some slack, all right? Coop looks him over, then opens the door. COOP (ad lib) Well, pickle my turnips, why didn't you say so? Happy birthday, friend. The guys look at each other, excited. They look back at Roger, five feet behind them at the bottom of the steps. ROGER Little help?27 INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT 27 People drinking, dancing, couples making out. Girls everywhere. And over near the keg is...FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 17. DEACON (in a trance) Oh, my God. There's Naomi. FRED She looks good.And there's NAOMI, every teenage boy's fantasy, wearing a hotparty dress and drinking a cup of beer. Someone lightly bumpsher...CLOSE ON her lips as the beer dribbles down her chin, and theworld goes still .She playfully wipes the beer off her moistened lips and chinwith the back of her hand. She turns her head and her hairfloats in the air.DEACON AND FREDare zombies, completely mesmerized by her. FRED She spilled her beer. DEACON Yeah.Fred adjusts his pants. Deacon makes a decision. One thathe'd normally never make. DEACON (CONT'D) I'm gonna go talk to her. What have I got to lose? FRED Your dignity? DEACON She's Rachael's friend. It's not like I don't know her. MATT Ask her if she has any unusual hats. Girls like that.Deacon gives Matt a dirty look.THE KEG AREA DEACON Hey, Naomi. NAOMI Happy Birthday, Deacon.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 18. DEACON (pleasantly surprised) You remembered. NAOMI Well, I got this flyer and-- DEACON Oh, right. So where's Jake? NAOMI Like I care. DEACON (hopeful) So you two aren't going out any more? NAOMI Duh.Deacon's mind is racing with possibilities when: JAKE (O.S.) Freakin!It's Jake, back for another beer. JAKE (CONT'D) Hey, did you hear about Rachael Unger?Before Deacon can answer... JAKE (CONT'D) He shoots, he misses, right, ass- sphincter? Come on, Naomi. We're going in the pool. NAOMI Screw off. I'm talking to Deacon. JAKE Whatever. NAOMI Whatever.Jake gives Deacon a dirty look, nods a "let's go" to J.T. andMark, and heads out back. NAOMI (CONT'D) What an asshole.As soon as Jake is out of sight, Deacon turns back to Naomi,but she's already gone, stranding Deacon. What just happenedhere?REVEAL Matt helping Roger drink a beer in the background. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 19.28 EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - LATER 28 Deacon wanders out back. It's very dark and there are several people in the pool, including Jake's good-looking friends, Kelly, Wendy, J.T., and MARK. It's hard to tell in the dark water, but it looks like they might not be wearing any clothes. Deacon sees this and starts to walk away. J.T. Deacon. I heard it was your birthday. Come on in the pool, man. DEACON No, that's okay. MARK No, seriously. It's cool. KELLY (come hither) Come on, Deacon. WENDY Yeah. Come on. Deacon thinks about it. He takes the metaphorical plunge. DEACON All right. He slips off his shoes and takes off his shirt. He walks over to the shallow end. Deacon steps in with his shorts still on. MARK Dude, what are you doing? Take off your clothes. DEACON What? WENDY We're skinny dipping, Deacon. He hesitates, not sure what to do. DEACON Oh. Okay. Sorry, I'll just leave you guys alone then-- KELLY --No, come on in. Join us. Wendy swims into J.T.'s arms. Her shoulders rise above the water and you can just make out the top of her breast.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 20.DEACONlooks at her, thinks it over, and finally... slips off hisshorts. He gets into the pool in his underwear, then slipsthem off, too, and throws them on the side of pool. DEACON Wow. This feels amazing.Someone splashes Kelly, she giggles, and the other kids swimaround. Kelly swims by Deacon seductively and he smiles. JAKE (O.S.) Coop's doing funnels. Come on.It's Jake, by the side of the pool with Deacon's clothes. Theother people swim to the front, and get out of the pool......wearing clothes! Even Wendy, in a strapless bra. J.T. (rubbing it in) Sorry, dude. DEACON Hey, give me back my clothes! JAKE Freakin? I can't see you. Maybe I need to turn on the LIGHTS.And he does. The backyard lights go on illuminating thescene. Deacon panics. People start looking at him, laughing.Then, the cheesy colored pool lights come on, flashingslowly.Deacon is humiliated. Jake bends down to whisper to Deacon. JAKE (CONT'D) Did you really think Naomi was into you?Deacon doesn't respond. But it's not enough for Jake. Hepicks up Deacon's underwear with a stick and examines them. JAKE (CONT'D) Oh my God! Skid marks. Aaaahhh, Deacon shit his pants again! DEACON No, I didn't! Give them back!Jake does a victory lap around the pool with Deacon'sunderwear on the stick. Everybody is laughing. JAKE Sphincter boy shit his pants! FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 21.28A INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 28A Jake locks the sliding glass door and waves at Deacon in the pool. The group laughs and walks away.29 EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - LATER 29 Deacon is still in the pool, shivering and shrivelled. Finally, the lights turn off in the back yard, and Deacon ventures out of the pool. He grabs an inflatable elephant pool toy and slips it around his privates. He slowly sneaks around the house.29A EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - SIDE OF THE HOUSE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 29A A dog BARKS! He snarls at Deacon standing there wearing only the pool toy. Deacon runs away into the29B EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 29B The Dog is right behind him. Deacon struggles with him. DEACON Hey, watch the nads! But it's no use. The dog BITES the front of the pool toy and it starts to deflate... ... just as the HEADLIGHTS of a car pull into the driveway. Deacon FREEZES. He desperately tries to cover himself with the rapidly diminishing toy being jerked away by the dog in a motion that makes it look like Deacon's getting a doggie hummer. A MAN gets out of the car. COOP'S DAD What the hell kind of sick shit is this?30 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 30 The next day, the guys are at the bike rack, when a hot SPORTS CAR drives by. Deacon is visibly bummed. DEACON You know how long it's going to take to save up for a car selling porno tapes twenty bucks a pop? Fred looks down. DEACON (CONT'D) What? FRED There's a small problem. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 22. MATT What? FRED I got fired yesterday. Russ caught me and went berserk. Some sort of sting operation he's been planning for months. I don't know. DEACON You're kidding me, right? Tell me you're kidding. FRED No. And now I have to work twice a week at my dad's office. I told you this Scarface plan was stupid. DEACON Great. So now we've got no girls, no car, and no money. FRED And no porn. MATT Tony Montana would be very disappointed. Deacon is once again...31 INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY 31 ... very depressed, as he sits, bored out of his mind in his biology class. BIOLOGY TEACHER Now turn your textbooks to chapter six, the Animal Kingdom. As you should know by now, biology is the study of life, in all its infinite varieties. Deacon continues to stare at her perpetually hard nipples. BIOLOGY TEACHER (CONT'D) So to keep things a little fun around here, tomorrow we're taking a field trip to the zoo. Deacon buries his head in his hands.32 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 32 Deacon is talking to the Dorky Freshman near the bike rack.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 23. DORKY FRESHMAN Is this some kind of extortion racket? I'll pay you double if you can get me something today. DEACON I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do for a while. We don't have anything new. DORKY FRESHMAN I'm dying. I just need something.Just then, Naomi walks by on her way to the parking lot. DEACON Hey, Naomi. What are you up to? NAOMI Going home to cram for midterms.With a look, Deacon shoos away the freshman dork. DEACON Oh. I could help you. I mean, if you needed any help. NAOMI That's okay. I'll be all right.Deacon searches for something meaningful to say, desperatenot to let the moment pass him by. Naomi cuts him some slackby asking, NAOMI (CONT'D) So where did Rachael go off to? DEACON She went to Paris with the French Club. (then, taking a chance) We're seeing other people.She laughs at his attempt at being nonchalant. But she'slaughing with him, not at him, and Deacon can tell thedifference. He relaxes... JAKE (O.S.) Hey, sphincter.... just as Jake drives up to them. Deacon is starting toreally get pissed at Jake ruining the moment with Naomi. DEACON Look, can you please stop calling me that? I think we're old enough to just let it go. All right? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 24. JAKE Oh, sure. Sorry about that... Shit-pants. He looks at Naomi. JAKE (CONT'D) Hi, Naomi. NAOMI Whatever. She turns her back to Jake and his smile fades. He revs the engine and peels out BACKWARDS. Deacon jumps out of the way, but his bike is CRUSHED by the car. JAKE Oops. Sorry. He shifts gears and drives over the bike again. He laughs as he drives away. Naomi gives Deacon a pitying look and walks away. The moment is gone. Now Deacon is...33 INT. AEROSTAR - DAY 33 ... pissed. His crushed bike is in the back seat. DEACON (emphatic) Look, mom. I need a car. MRS. LEWIS But I thought we agreed-- DEACON I need a car of my own. MRS. LEWIS Well, honey. A car is a lot of responsibility. DEACON Jesus, Mom. I'm seventeen now. I think I can handle it. MRS. LEWIS Well, it's also a lot of money. I'll tell you what. Maybe you can get an after school job to earn money for a car. I'll talk to your father. Deacon is stewing.34 OMITTED 34 FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 25.35 INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - DAY 35 CLOSE ON a web browser as the following URL is typed in: www.nicelookinggirlsthatgetnaked4U.com. The Cyber Granny parental block pops up. Denied. www.homeroomteachersdoingitbeforeschool.com Cyber Granny. Denied. www.ineedfreepornnow.org Denied. FRED Goddamn it. MATT Your dad really knows his firewalls. Deacon bursts into the room. FRED Hey, asshole. Don't just come barging in here. We could have been naked. Matt gives Fred a look. DEACON (excited) Shut up. I figured out how to get back on the Tony Montana track.... So, I'm at the zoo today...36 EXT. ZOO - DAY 36 A crowd of people (including Deacon's biology class) are watching something in the monkey cage. BIOLOGY TEACHER People! People! Come quickly. Witness the miracle of nature at its most primal. She's videotaping it, and Deacon looks up AT HER VIDEO VIEWFINDER. It's a monkey orgy. Masturbation and fornication everywhere. DEACON (V.O.) And these monkeys are doing it. I mean, they're going wild. And Miss Ariel is videotaping it. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 26. BIOLOGY TEACHER (getting hot and bothered) With one final thrust of his engorged penis, the male deposits his seed and moves on. (suddenly bitter) Probably to a younger, more desirable female. One who doesn't have any "issues." Whatever that means. DEACON (V.O.) That's when it hit me. Just then, a glob of "something" shoots out towards the crowd (SFX). Everyone ducks, except for Roger, who's can't move quickly enough in his wheelchair. It hits him in the face, dripping down his orthodontia. ROGER A little help! DEACON (V.O.) Well, Roger actually...37 INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - DAY 37 FRED What? DEACON Let's make one. MATT One what? DEACON A movie. MATT Great! That's perfect! I've already got an idea for a kind of sci-fi horror thing. It's like "The Shining" meets "The Jetsons." DEACON No, you moron. A porno film. Fred lights up. FRED Even better. DEACON And check this out. The best part of all, is I've got an angle.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 27. FRED What kind of angle? DEACON We can make pornos that cater to guys like us. FRED You mean virgins. DEACON Yes. Adult films made by virgins for virgins. MATT With good cinematography. FRED And cute, nice girls. The kind you'd want to take to dinner with your parents. DEACON Right. No shots of sweaty guys' faces. FRED And nothing up the butt.They look at him. FRED (CONT'D) What? I don't like it when they put stuff up their butt. MATT These have to be nicely edited. We should shoot on super 16 and transfer to video. DEACON No, Matt. We'll shoot it on your video camera. We're not getting any expensive equipment. FRED How are we going to get the women to star in the film? MATT And the guys. DEACON I don't know. We'll surf the net. We'll figure it out.They look at each other for a beat. Finally, Fred and Mattcrack up.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 28. DEACON (CONT'D) What? FRED That was really funny.Deacon just looks at them, pissed. DEACON I'm serious about this. MATT We can't make a porno movie. FRED Do you have any idea how much trouble we'd get in? DEACON Do you have any idea how much money we'd make?A beat. MATT Like how much? DEACON Enough for a car. Enough for more camera shit. To take girls out. I don't know. For whatever we want.Beat. Beat. Beat. They're thinking about it. FRED What about the moral implications? DEACON It's a free market transaction between consenting adults. What's the problem? FRED We're not adults. MATT He's got a point, Deacon. DEACON Guys, tell me the truth. Haven't you ever wondered... haven't you ever imagined what it would be like to make one? MATT Not really.Deacon turns to Fred, who looks guilty. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 29. FRED Okay. Sure. I've thought about it. I've thought about shaving Principal Taggert's ass, too. A look, then Deacon gets up to seal the deal. DEACON Look. This is an opportunity we shouldn't let slip away. If we make this movie, it could be the best year of our lives. We'll go in boys and come out men. And at the end, we'll have the money, the power, and the women. But you losers would rather play it safe. Well, I'm not going to waste another minute. I'm making this porno movie with or without you. And when I show up at school in my new set of wheels, and you two limp dicks are begging me for my sloppy seconds, I'll just have to tell you, "Sorry, guys. That ship has sailed. You blew it." Ringing silence. MATT (sincerely) That was a really good speech, Deacon. DEACON Thanks. MATT Did you work that out before? DEACON No, Matt. FRED Okay... So say we were to do this. What would we call our company? MATT I've got it. "After School Special." They look at him. It's perfect.38 INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY 38 WE FOLLOW a WOMAN dressed in a Fredericks of Hollywood type outfit, walking down the hallway past office suites; a mortgage company, a dentist, etc... She enters an office. As the door closes behind her, WE SEE the sign on the door, "Ramalot Productions." FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 30.39 INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - CONTINUOUS 39 A small, vertically integrated porno production company. Blow-ups of the company's box covers on the walls, hundreds of copies of titles on shelves, a small STAFF and two adjoining rooms. VIC RAMALOT, whose face we recognize from Dirty Darla #7, enters from the set. His partner, MIKE, helps him on with his robe. MIKE That was good. Some good action. VIC I've got a question for you Mike, and I want you to promise to be completely honest. MIKE Sure. Of course, Vic. Vic looks at him, vulnerable. VIC Do you think I'm too fat? MIKE Are you kidding? The camera loves you. VIC Seriously? MIKE Absolutely. VIC Thanks, man. Vic gives Mike a jive hand shake and the two do a little hug. Over Mike's shoulder, Vic sees the woman who's come into the office. VIC (CONT'D) Darla, sweetheart. Ready for number eight? Darla drops her top and heads for the bathroom. DARLA Sure, Vic, lemme freshen up first. VIC (to Mike) Is he in there? Mike nods, leading Vic through a door, into FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 31.40 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 40 where there's a terribly FRIGHTENED MAN (cameo for Ron Jeremy, etc.) tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth. Vic shakes his head, picking up a pair of rusty hedge clippers from the table. He snaps them open. VIC So, you think you can just walk into my town and move in on my territory? The Man takes a quick look down at his own crotch, fearing the worst. He shakes his head, pleading through his gag.41 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 41 The guys are huddled behind the frosted window of Fred's dad's office, standing away from the RECEPTIONIST. FRED We've got to have two forms of i.d. to prove she's over eighteen. DEACON How much money do we need? FRED A first time porno actress makes only two fifty to five hundred bucks. MATT That's it? Does that include the sex? DEACON Yes, Matt. MATT So how do we get women for this movie? FRED We place an ad in the Cleveland X-Press for "body models." That's like some sort of code word in the industry. MATT Are we supposed to have sex with these women? DEACON No, Matt. A NURSE walks in. NURSE Fred, your father wants you to take these urine samples down to the lab.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 32. FRED Okay. In a minute.Fred puts the samples down. She rolls her eyes then leaves. FRED (CONT'D) We also need an adult signature to set up the bank account and the web site. MATT Let's use Principal Taggert's name. FRED Oh yeah, good idea. That'll never come back to haunt us. DEACON Then whose name should we use?Just then, MR. GREITZER comes into the office. GREITZER I'm Ronald Greitzer here for my 4:00 appointment. RECEPTIONIST Okay, Mr. Greitzer. I'll let the doctor know you're here for your... (checks the book) rectal exam. Have a seat.He leaves and Fred looks at Deacon, mischievously. DEACON No way. FRED Why not? It's perfect. My dad's got Mr. Greitzer's signature on file, his credit card number, and his social security number...A beat. DEACON And he'll never find out? FRED It's not like we're going to send him our annual report. It'll just be like an official name of record or something. DEACON Okay. Cool.The Nurse returns. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 33. NURSE And take these fecal and semen samples, too. She hands Fred two more containers, and the guys exit.41A EXT. STREET - DAY 41A The guys ride their bikes towards the lab to deliver the samples. FRED And we need porno names. DEACON What do you mean? FRED It's a basic rule of porno. All people affiliated with the production of an adult film have porno names so their friends don't recognize them. MATT Oh, you mean like "Johnny Hardmember"? FRED Exactly. That's a good one. I'll be Balls McLongcock. MATT Ooh, I like it. DEACON Guys. Those kind of names are just for the actors. MATT You're just jealous that you don't have a cool porno name like us. DEACON Okay, fine. Then I'm Sam ... (searching) Slam. Sam Slam. The Back Door Man. Matt and Fred look at each other, then Deacon. MATT That name sucks. FRED You don't get it, do you? A porno name needs to be a very subtle thing. Fred gestures and DROPS the samples which SPLATTER all over the ground. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 34. DEACON Sorry, Balls. I guess I'm still new at this. FRED Matt, pick that up.42 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT 42 The family dinner. MR. LEWIS And I'm telling the guy, he's got to use form ND-45 for a third-party beneficiary, but Johnson's gotta be the big man. "We've been using ND-90 for twenty-two years." But Johnson's an idiot. He doesn't know ND-90 doesn't even exist anymore. Mom yawns. The phone rings and she gets it. MRS. LEWIS Hello? (covers phone) Deacon, it's for you. It's a young lady named Palomina. Deacon CHOKES on his food. He gets up quickly and grabs the phone. Max is eyeballing him, so Deacon walks with the phone into the other room and talks softly. DEACON Yeah. 345 Remson. That's right. Great. Wednesday, three to five. Looking forward to working with you, too. He hangs up and returns to the kitchen to see the whole family staring at him, curious. DEACON (CONT'D) I'm tutoring someone ... in math. To earn money for a car. He forces a smile.43 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY 43 The guys are busy setting up auditions. DEACON No, we don't pay bus fare. JUMP CUT TO: FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 35. FRED Sure, you can bring your dog. (beat) Oh. No, that's okay. Better leave him home. JUMP CUT TO: MATT Thanks. You sound sexy, too. JUMP CUT TO: The guys are getting excited. FRED I can't believe this is working.44 INT. BASEMENT SET - OTHER ROOM - DAY 44 And there's Matt, wearing a shirt and tie, nervously sitting in the rec room with a room full of CRACK WHORES. They're a motley crew of fat, old, toothless, spandex-wearing streetwalkers (including one TRANSVESTITE). An uncomfortable silence pervades the room. Matt turns to one woman wearing a rainbow-colored halter top. MATT When you have sex with a strange man, do you imagine it's like your boyfriend or something? She just looks at him. DEACON (O.S.) (over a walkie talkie) We're ready. Over. Matt picks up his walkie talkie. MATT Roger. Over. He looks at his clipboard and turns to the first woman. MATT (CONT'D) You can go in now. She gets up and walks through the curtain. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 36.45 INT. DEACON'S BASEMENT - DAY 45 The basement is set up with a casting couch. Fred and Deacon are also dressed in jackets and ties. The Crack Whore makes her way over to them. They stare at her, slackjawed. DEACON Take a seat please. FRED Hi, I'm Balls McLongcock and this is Sam Slam. CRACK WHORE Tequila. You boys seem kind of young. DEACON Don't worry. We're old enough. FRED Tequila. Nice name. So, have you done any films before? CRACK WHORE I been in some home movies. Stuff like that. Some pictures. She tosses a stack of Polaroids at them. The top one has her standing next to a horse. Fred is speechless. DEACON Okay, then. I think we have what we need. We'll call you. She's confused. CRACK WHORE So you don't want me to suck you two off? They look at each other. DEACON No, I don't think that will be necessary at this time. FRED Maybe later.46 INT. DEACON'S BASEMENT - LATER 46 The whores are gone. MATT Maybe if we put another ad in and say we're only looking for good looking models. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 37. They look at him with disdain. FRED There's got to be another way to recruit porno actresses.47 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 47 FLASH! Three digital images of the guys are lined up on Deacon's computer monitor (thanks Mom and Dad!). Deacon is digitally altering the photo of Fred to give him a goatee. Matt's photo has already gotten mutton chops and Deacon's looking sweet with a fu-manchu. DEACON I say we make them from Hawaii. MATT Hawaii? DEACON It's perfect. Do you know what a Hawaii driver's license looks like? MATT No. DEACON Exactly. FRED But isn't it going to seem a little suspicious? Like why are we in Cleveland? DEACON Vacation. People from Cleveland vacation in Hawaii, where do you think people from Hawaii go? Matt and Fred look at each other. They shrug, then, MATT Aloha.48 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT 48 The next night. The three guys walk downstairs dressed in Hawaiian shirts. Deacon's parents are reading and Max is watching TV. DEACON Hey, mom. Can I borrow the car? MRS. LEWIS I have to go to the video store later. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 38. DEACON But, mom. You said I could use the car, but it's never free. MRS. LEWIS All right, Deacon. I'll walk to the store. MAX Where are you guys going? DEACON Out. MR. LEWIS Why are you boys dressed like Don Ho? FRED This is the new style, Mr. Lewis. MAX Yeah, for ass-wranglers. MRS. LEWIS Max!49 INT. AEROSTAR - NIGHT 49 Inside the car (still in the garage), the three guys apply their fake facial hair to match their three new fake i.d.'s. FRED Are we really going to do this? DEACON Oh, yeah. He starts the ignition, and an EASY LISTENING tune blasts on the radio, ruining the moment. The guys look at each other for a beat, then Deacon quickly changes the station to a ROCKING SONG, and get back into the mood for adventure. DEACON (CONT'D) (once again) Oh, yeah. They pull out and drive off.49A EXT. CLEVELAND - NIGHT 49A The minivan descends out of the suburbs into the lights of the big city below.50 EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT 50 CLOSE ON the Aerostar's bumper sticker: "My child is on the honor roll at William Wall High School."FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 39.The guys step out of the car and see for the first time theHoly Grail of boyhood fantasies: the neon outline of atopless woman at the entrance to this upscale strip club.They stop and stare for a beat, before finally getting up thenerve to walk up to a menacing BOUNCER sitting on a stooloutside the entrance, reading "The Princess Diaries." BOUNCER I.d.'s.They confidently pull out the i.d.'s and hand them over. BOUNCER (CONT'D) Richard Runningbear from Hawaii? What brings you guys to Cleveland? FRED MATTBusiness. Vacation. DEACON We're on business, he's on vacation.He hands the i.d.'s back. BOUNCER Well, "tiki-alohi-noa-lohi." DEACON Sorry? BOUNCER That's Hawaiian for "welcome." FRED Right. Of course. We just moved to Hawaii a few months ago. Haven't picked up the local lingo yet.They force smiles and wait for the answer... BOUNCER Okay. Have a good time, guys.Deacon grabs the i.d.'s and pushes the other two forward. Hegrabs the handle to the door. BOUNCER (CONT'D) Oh, and guys. (beat) Nice lamination job. FRED Thanks!The Bouncer closes the door on them. Busted. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 40. DEACON Look. We have to get into this strip bar. MATT The next two years of high school depend on it. BOUNCER How old are you guys? DEACON Twenty-seven. FRED Thirty-five. MATT Sixteen. Fred smacks him. BOUNCER Sorry, guys. Then, DEACON We've got money. Deacon pulls out a wad of cash. The Bouncer looks around, then thinks about it for a second.51 INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT 51 WE TRACK the guys as they slowly move down the dark corridor towards the light. Each guy is in his own little world, Matt and Fred following Deacon as he takes the first nervous steps. First the neon lights hit them, then the smell of liquor and sweat, the sounds of barroom chatter, and finally the grinding blast of MUSIC, so powerful it seems to stop them in their tracks. Their eyes bug out. SCANTILY-CLAD WAITRESS walking by. As they move further into the club, they see actual STRIPPERS soliciting lap dances and some TOPLESS DANCERS onstage. Fred smiles ear to ear. The guys are locked in a deep primordial trance, broken only by the voice of a COCKTAIL WAITRESS. COCKTAIL WAITRESS What'll you boys have? Two drink minimum. FRED Huh? Oh. I'll have a scotch. Straight up. On the rocks.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 41.She looks at him like he's an idiot. MATT I'll have a seven and seven. DEACON Uh, same.She leaves. DEACON (CONT'D) What's a seven and seven? MATT I don't know. But I heard that guy over there order one and I like the way it sounds. Numerical.The Waitress comes back with their drinks. He pays her andthen they raise their glasses. DEACON To After School Special. MATT AND FRED To After School Special.They drink. And CHOKE. MATT It tastes like poison.A beautiful STRIPPER in an American flag bikini approaches. AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER Are you boys interested in a dance?They look at each other. FRED Okay?She takes Fred's hand and walks him over to a private dancecouch. As the next SONG starts, a curtain lowers around Fredand the Stripper. Fred is a little freaked out.IN SILHOUETTEShe strips off her top revealing her big American breasts.She rubs up and down Fred's body, shaking her hair in hisface. Matt and Deacon watch intently. MATT Cool.BACK TO SCENEFINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 42.The song ends, the curtain comes up, and Fred is smiling earto ear. The Stripper gets dressed and Fred pays her. AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER You want another dance? FRED Uh, not right now, thank you. I have to go to the bathroom.He tries to get up, but the Stripper stop him. AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER Well how about you buy me a drink? FRED Okay.She sits down on Fred's lap. Right on his boner. FRED (CONT'D) Uhhhhh. AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER (to the waitress) Seven and seven. MATT You want mine?She laughs. AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER So what brings you boys to the Pretty Kitty? MATT We're from Hawaii. DEACON Actually, we're filmmakers. We're here looking for new talent. AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER Really? DEACON Yeah, we're looking for some beautiful ladies looking to break into film. You interested? AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER No.They look defeated. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 43. AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER (CONT'D) But I know someone who is. A beat, then time stands still once more for our heroes as ASHLEY makes her entrance. She looks barely legal, dressed in a Catholic school girl outfit, and walks up to them. ASHLEY Hi, I'm Ashley. You guys are filmmakers? MATT Video actually. They won't let me shoot on film. Deacon pulls out his wad of cash. DEACON Look. We're paying top dollar, hetero only, no anal, and we're distributing through our web site. ASHLEY Aren't you kind of young? DEACON Aren't you? You know we're going to need two forms of i.d. to prove you're over eighteen. ASHLEY I'm eighteen. Don't worry. FRED Then you're hired. MATT Shouldn't we audition her first? ASHLEY Don't worry. You guys relax and have a few drinks. By the time the night's over, you'll know I'm your girl. STRIP CLUB MONTAGE:51A INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT 51A - Ashley slinks through the fog onstage and works the pole like good girl should: gentle but firm. - Various other Strippers (a Swedish stripper named PLANTAIN, the American Flag Stripper, a BLACK STRIPPER, and an EXOTIC STRIPPER) give the three guys lap dances, dance on the carousel, and generally suck up to them. - The guys are pounding drinks like there's no tomorrow. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 44. - Fred is nuzzling between Plantain's assets. - Deacon licks the Exotic Stripper's salty neck and downs a tequila shot. - The three guys are all on the bar now, doing a choreographed dance routine, and stripping to their underwear.51B EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT 51B - CLOSE ON a trashcan, the guys are throwing up. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: - Boot and rally. The guys wipe their faces and join a gaggle of Strippers heading into an Amusement Park.51C EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - VARIOUS BOOTHS - NIGHT 51C - Carney games. Matt wins a stuffed animal for Plantain. - Cotton candy, Roller Coaster rides, etc.51D EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - FUDGE FACTORY - NIGHT 51D - The group is crammed into a booth at the Fudge Factory, eating ice cream sundaes. Matt shoots the straw wrapper at one stripper. She whips some ice cream at him. Food fight!51E EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAWN 51E - Ashley is dropping the guys off back at Deacon's house in the Aerostar. She writes down her information on a picture of herself. There's a car full of Strippers waiting for her. - Just then, Jake pulls into the driveway next door. He sees the Strippers and the guys. END MONTAGE.52 INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - DAY 52 A LADY dressed in sexy clothes and eating chicken wings from a huge bucket is waiting around on the set, but Vic is over talking to Mike. VIC Someone's been recruiting new talent. MIKE Jimmy Rimmer says they're from Hawaii. VIC Why the hell would someone from Hawaii come to Cleveland?FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 45. MIKE Vacation? There's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.Vic thinks it over. VIC That's true.Vic regains his train of thought. VIC (CONT'D) What is this? "F" with Vic month? If any more amateurs start moving in on my territory, I'm going to get really mad.Vic opens the drawer and pulls out a GUN. He cocks itmenacingly. MIKE Who you gonna shoot?Vic's bluff has been called. Reluctantly, VIC I don't know. MIKE Calm down, Vic. I don't need you all agitated. You still got five films to star in today. VIC You're right, Mikey.Mike takes the gun from Vic and puts it away. MIKE Don't worry. I'll find these guys and take care of it.Vic cheers up a bit. VIC You hungry? MIKE Yeah, I could eat. VIC Grab some lunch? MIKE Yeah, okay.The two head out for lunch, leaving the bondage lady sittingthere, confused. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 46.53 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY 53 Deacon wakes up sick as a dog. All the shades are drawn, but Fred and Matt are already hard at work on the computer. They seem completely fine, with no signs of Deacon's hangover. DEACON What are you guys doing? FRED We came up with a great idea. We're going to presell the videos by posting the scripts on the website. DEACON Will that work? MATT I don't know. But it's kind of fun. We just wrote this whole thing about the girls' locker room. FRED One thing, though. If our motto is "by virgins, for virgins," I was thinking we should put a picture of one of us on the web site to sort of sell the image. MATT You're not putting my picture up there. DEACON It doesn't really have to be one of us, though, does it? He grabs the yearbook. INSERT: ROGER'S FACE, as Balls McLongcock, proudly displayed on the web site, hawking the first feature film (coming soon) of After School Special with the motto, "By Virgins, For Virgins." A quick knock on the door and Deacon's Mom comes in. MRS. LEWIS Deacon, look who's here. Your friend, Jake. Jake enters, all smiles. JAKE Hi, guys. Fred quickly shuts off the monitor.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 47. MRS. LEWIS You kids have fun.And she leaves. JAKE What the hell's going on, Sphincter? DEACON What are you doing here? JAKE I saw the strippers. And some crack whore named Saffron came over my house the other day looking for you guys. FRED We don't know what you're talking about.Jake takes some pages off the printer. JAKE What's this? "Oh, my God. There's a boy at the door looking at us naked in the shower."He flips a page. JAKE (CONT'D) "The A/V Club Secretary lathers all of their glistening bodies. 'I'm so dirty,' she moans." What the hell kind of crap is this? Are you guys running a whorehouse or something? DEACON No. FRED Are you crazy? MATT They're not whores if we film them, you moron.Deacon can't believe Matt just blew it. Fred smacks him. JAKE You retards are making a porno movie? DEACON You can't prove anything. JAKE Who's the girl? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 48. MATT A stripper. Her name's Ashley. He pulls out Ashley's picture from his manila folder. Jake checks it out. His eyes go wide and suddenly he's their new best friend. JAKE Who's the guy? A beat. JAKE (CONT'D) Well, maybe I could do it. DEACON No, that's not a good idea. JAKE Why not? FRED It's a lot harder than it looks. JAKE You don't think I can do it? Trust me, I've nailed enough girls. DEACON Forget it. JAKE Look, you little butt munch. I want to do this, and if you don't let me, I'll go and tell your mommy what kind of sick shit you're doing. Jake looks him over.54 INT. BASEMENT SET AS "YEARBOOK OFFICE" - DAY 54 DARKNESS. Click. The lights come on. The big day has come at last. The guys are nervously conferring on one side of the room, far away from Ashley, who's standing alone, dressed in a conservative high school girl's outfit. The basement has been transformed into the guys' idea of a movie set, complete with lights, camera, tripod, and sound equipment. A desk and decoration make the room look roughly like the high school yearbook offices. Deacon gives Matt a little shove, and Matt takes a long walk over to Ashley.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 49. MATT So, um, I'll be directing. ASHLEY Okay. MATT Okay. So I want you to play this very understated. It's a very visceral scene, so it's important not to play it too over the top. ASHLEY Uh huh. (beat) Hey, did you guys shave or something?Deacon looks at the other two, all three now beardless. DEACON Okay. I think we're ready here.Fred awkwardly picks up the boom and puts his earphones on. MATT Boom in position. FRED What?Deacon pushes him over to position. MATT Ashley, get into position.Matt gets behind the camera. They whisper conspiratorially.One last reality check before they take the leap. FRED Are we actually going to do this?They look over at Ashley. She's waiting. DEACON I guess so.They return to position. MATT So, um, we're starting with the masturbation and then Phillip, the yearbook editor, is going to surprise you. ASHLEY Okay. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 50. MATT And ... action. ASHLEY (wooden) These yearbook photos of the Debate Club are making me so hot. I can't help myself. THROUGH MATT'S VIDEO DISPLAY, Ashley slowly strips off her clothes. But before we get too good a look, we REVERSE ANGLE FRED smiles ear to ear. DEACON gulps. MATT peers out from behind the camera. ASHLEY (O.S.) I hope no one catches me because I forgot to lock the door. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. FRED's smile turns into nervous ogling. DEACON crosses his legs and adjusts his shorts. MATT wipes a bead of sweat from his brow. Deacon whispers, DEACON Close up. MATT What? DEACON Close up. MATT Oh yeah. Right. And Matt zooms in. Ashley continues moaning and as Matt gets closer, the camera starts shaking. He can't keep his hands steady.54A THROUGH MATT'S VIDEO DISPLAY 54A We'd love to get a look, but the camera is shaking so much, it's just a BLUR. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 51.54B REVERSE ANGLE 54B ASHLEY (O.S.) Oh! Oh! Oh! MATT Okay, CUT! She turns off her performance like a light switch. ASHLEY What? Did I so something wrong? Matt is quivering. MATT Uh, no. You were great. I think I've got what I need there. I want to set up for Jake. FRED I need a bathroom break. DEACON Not now, Fred. Jake. Jake comes out of the bathroom dressed as the yearbook editor. MATT Action. Jake opens a makeshift door to the office. JAKE (wooden) Oh, my God. What are you doing? ASHLEY I couldn't help myself. Please don't tell the principal. JAKE Give me one good reason why I shouldn't. MATT Cut. Perfect. Okay, then. Let's get to the, uh, sexual material. Jake pulls off his pants and starts to look a little nervous. He stands in the corner, trying to psyche himself up. DEACON Jake, you okay? JAKE Sure. No problem.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 52. MATT And ACTION!But Jake is still standing there, not in the shot. He'sstarting to sweat. MATT (CONT'D) Action, Jake. JAKE Okay.Still nothing. DEACON Come on, Jake. We're filming. JAKE All right. Hang on a second.He has his back to them, but it's obvious his bread hasn'trisen. Fred lets the boom mike sag a bit. FRED My arm's getting tired. ASHLEY So's his. MATT Action...Jake finally whips off his underwear and faces Ashley. ASHLEY That's it? JAKE Hey, it's not hard yet. ASHLEY I can see that.Fred snickers and Jake gives him the evil eye. DEACON Um, okay. Ashley, maybe you can help him out.She grabs his joint and Jake freezes. He remains motionless,focusing every ounce of mental control on keeping thefloodgates closed. Approximately one point three secondslater... ASHLEY Aaaahhhh!FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 53. MATT Wait! I'm not set up for that shot! FRED Can I put down the boom? DEACON Jake? What's happened?Jake, humiliated, runs to put on his shorts. JAKE This has never happened before. She got me too excited. ASHLEY Me? How did you ... without even getting hard first? JAKE (copping an attitude) What do you want to hear? I've got a tiny pee-pee? I'm a premature e-jac-u-la-tor? Sometimes before I get a boner? Okay? DEACON Calm down, Jake. We can shoot this scene again. Just relax. We can splice it together. MATT We'd have to do it like twenty times to get enough footage. JAKE I'm out of here. And if you dickwads tell anybody about this, first I'll kill you, and then I'll bust you guys.He pops the videotape out of the camera, takes it, andleaves. ASHLEY Now what?The guys regroup, away from Ashley. The moment of truth: Howfar are they willing to go? MATT Deacon. You do it. DEACON No way. MATT Come on. This is your big chance.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 54. DEACON No. You do it.A beat. MATT Fred. FRED What? MATT Come on. FRED You. MATT I have to run the camera. FRED Oh, like you're the only one who can do that. MATT (false bravado) Fine. I'll do it. I'll do it for the sake of the film. Hold this.He hands the camera to Deacon and starts taking off hisshirt. The rest of them look at Matt with his shirt off. DEACON Matt. Stop it. MATT No, I'll do it.He desperately wants someone to hold him back. FRED (grabs him) Matt!They huddle again, worried about whether to go on with this. FRED (CONT'D) Look, guys. Maybe we should just pay Ashley and chalk this up to a failed experiment. MATT Fine with me. DEACON No. We can get someone else. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 55. FRED Who? CUT TO:55 INT. JIM'S TINY MART - NIGHT 55 CLOSE ON the cover of "T&A Enthusiast" magazine. RISE UP to reveal a twenty-something MAN thumbing through the issue. REVEAL Deacon, standing a little too close to him. DEACON (nonchalant) Good issue. Beat. DEACON (CONT'D) You ever think about getting into film? Way uncomfortable, the guy puts the magazine down and makes a beeline for the door. DEACON (CONT'D) Where are you going, man? The guy is out the door. Deacon...56 EXT. JIM'S TINY MART - NIGHT 56 ... runs after him. DEACON Don't you want to get it on with a sexy lady?!? Matt and Fred are sitting on the curb with some slurpies, bummed. MATT And that guy had real screen presence, too. Just then, Coop pulls up in his van and gets out. COOP Hey, dudes. The guys look at each other... JUMP CUT TO: Moments later, after it's all been explained to Coop. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 56. COOP (CONT'D) (awestruck) You guys are gonna be legends of the school.56A OMITTED 56A57 INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 57 Fred and Matt are huddled around the computer. FRED Oh, I've got it. What if the Math Team Captain is in detention for something... MATT For fixing grades for a girl... FRED Yeah, and the cheerleader is in there and she's going to get grounded if she fails one more test... As they talk, Fred types away.58 EXT. INDIA - DAY 58 STOCK FOOTAGE: Taj Mahal, etc.59 INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - BHOPAL, INDIA - NIGHT 59 A NERDY INDIAN BOY is totally engrossed in the After School Special Website. His eyeglasses reflect the glow of the scrolling text of Fred and Matt's current script. CHEERLEADER (V.O.) Well, maybe I can pay you some other way... INDIAN MOTHER (O.S.) Mujibur, dinner is ready! INDIAN BOY In a minute! ONSCREEN, the mouse pointer clicks "PRE-ORDER."59A EXT. FRANCE - DAY 59A STOCK FOOTAGE: Eiffel Tower, etc.59B INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - PARIS, FRANCE - NIGHT 59B A NERDY FRENCH BOY reads the story on his computer. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 57. MATH TEAM CAPTAIN (V.O.) Now that really computes! Click. Pre-order.59C OMITTED 59C59D OMITTED 59D60 EXT. JAPAN - DAY 60 STOCK FOOTAGE: Recognizable Japanese landmarks, etc.61 INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - KYOTO, JAPAN - NIGHT 61 A NERDY JAPANESE BOY reads the story from his PDA. MATH TEAM CAPTAIN (V.O.) Are you ready for your oral exam? CHEERLEADER (V.O.) Oh, God, yes! I never knew math could be so stimulating! Click. Pre-order.62 OMITTED 6263 OMITTED 6364 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 64 Deacon and his biology class are getting on a school bus. Nearby, Naomi is crossing the parking lot when she trips and spills her lattÈ on her shirt. People start laughing, but Deacon instinctively rushes over to pick up her books. DEACON Are you okay? NAOMI Yeah. Thanks. I'm so embarrassed. She pats at the stain. DEACON (genuine) Really? I didn't think you got embarrassed about anything. She smiles at Deacon, cheered up by the inadvertent compliment. The Bus HONKS for Deacon. DEACON (CONT'D) Well, I guess I should go. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 58. He turns to walk away, when Naomi makes a decision to give Deacon a shot. NAOMI Deacon, wait. Block me for a second while I change my shirt. DEACON What? NAOMI Facing the other way. DEACON Oh. He turns around and she changes her shirt behind him. Deacon can't help but sneak a peek. NAOMI I haven't seen you around here in a while. DEACON Yeah, I'm working on this project at home. NAOMI Cool. You can turn around now. He turns and sees her new shirt is not yet 100% on. NAOMI (CONT'D) Listen. Mark and J.T. are having a party tonight. You want to meet me there? DEACON Really? NAOMI Why not? DEACON Okay. Cool. The bus HONKS for Deacon again.65 EXT. AQUARIUM PARK - DAY 65 Matt and Fred charge forward on their 10-speeds through a park. They slide to a stop, falling off their bikes, but they're too excited to care.65A INT. AQUARIUM - DAY 65A They rush up to Deacon, whose biology class is near the Beluga Whale tank.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 59. MATT Deacon, come quick.Deacon steps away from his class for a moment. DEACON Matt, what's wrong? BIOLOGY TEACHER (O.S.) Like all mammals, the whale gives birth to live young. Can anyone name another characteristic of mammals? Vinnie? FRED Our site got linked by another bigger site. Someone must have seen our stories and liked them. DEACON And? MATT We got a few more pre-orders and a ton of hits. DEACON How many? MATT Guess. DEACON A thousand? FRED Twelve thousand. DEACON Holy shit!Deacon high-fives the other two. They're all stoked. FRED We need to hurry up and make this movie. MATT We should go over the schedule for tomorrow. And make sure the script is ready.Deacon's smile fades. DEACON Uh, I can't tonight guys. FRED Why? Where are you going?FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 60. DEACON It's this thing I have to go to. MATT Is it a travelling carnival? DEACON No. Look, it's this party Naomi invited me to. MATT Can we come?Fred picks up on Deacon's hesitation. This isn't good. DEACON Uh... Okay. I guess that's cool.An awkward beat. DEACON (CONT'D) I want you guys to come. It's just, I don't know. I kind of had this vibe from Naomi. MATT (still doesn't get it) We can just meet you there. DEACON Yeah. Okay. That's cool. Look, it's at Mark and J.T. Slistak's house. I'll see you guys there. I've got to get back to class. MATT Later.Deacon walks back to the group. MATT (CONT'D) What are you wearing to the party? FRED We're not really going to the party, you moron. MATT Why not? FRED Because I said so.Matt starts getting agitated. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 61. MATT But we told Deacon-- I mean, we can't just not show up. What if Deacon is looking for us-- This is too complicated to explain to Matt, so Fred just gives in. FRED All right. All right. Stop crying already. We'll make an appearance. MATT Cool.66 INT. MARK'S HOUSE - NIGHT 66 Amid this raging party, Deacon has taken his rightful place with the in-crowd, standing dangerously close to Naomi without his usual sidekicks weighing him down. Finally. NAOMI You know, Rachael's coming back from Paris in a couple of weeks. DEACON So? NAOMI So, aren't you even a little interested in seeing her? DEACON No. There's someone else I'd rather see... He looks into her eyes, waiting to see if the limb he's out on is going to break. She smiles. It's working. Just then, MATT Hey, guys. It's his sidekicks and they've got some seriously bad timing. Deacon shoots them an annoyed look. NAOMI So what's this project you guys are working on? FRED We can't really talk about it. JAKE (O.S.) Yeah. It's private. Jake eyes Deacon intently. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 62. JAKE (CONT'D) Why are you hanging around with this loser? NAOMI What's your problem, Jake? JAKE What's yours? She storms away. Deacon follows her.67 EXT. MARK'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT 67 Naomi is out on the patio. DEACON What was that all about? NAOMI He really pisses me off. Jake is such an asshole. DEACON Tell me about it. NAOMI When we were going out, he was so mean to me all the time. I think he's compensating for his little dick that never even gets hard. Deacon chokes on his drink. DEACON Well at least you were smart enough to dump him. I mean, you deserve someone who will treat you ... I don't know. Really well. NAOMI You know what you are? Deacon gets a little nervous. NAOMI (CONT'D) You're a nice guy. She kisses him on the cheek. Deacon looks at her, then steels himself to make a decision. He kisses her! She's surprised, but not unwilling. NAOMI (CONT'D) Deacon? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 63. DEACON I've been wanting to do that for a long time. NAOMI So why didn't you? Most guys would look away at this point, with a fabulous babe with pouty lips staring you down. But Deacon passes the test: he stands his ground and kisses her again. She likes it. AT A WINDOW, Jake sees them kissing. He doesn't like it. AT ANOTHER WINDOW, Fred sees it, too. And for a completely different reason, he doesn't like it either.68 INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 68 The set is finally ready: Ashley is lying on the bed in a robe, the lights and camera are set, and Matt and Fred are adjusting the video camera. The only thing missing is an actor. Deacon ENTERS. DEACON Hey, where's Coop? FRED He was supposed to be here a half hour ago. MATT Maybe he got sucked into a black hole. He chuckles to himself. DEACON Good one, Spock. I can't understand why you're not more popular with the ladies. MATT Look, we're wasting time. Deacon, why don't you just go in there? Deacon balks at first, then looks over at Ashley, lying there. MATT (CONT'D) Come on... DEACON Okay. Okay. All right already. He pulls off his shirt and approaches Ashley with a pizza box from out of nowhere. MATT And action!FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 64.Matt starts filming while Ashley pulls Deacon near her. ASHLEY (O.S.) Maybe I can pay for the pizza some other way...We hear Deacon's ZIPPER opening offscreen as Deacon rolls hiseyes and reluctantly delivers his line: DEACON And maybe I could throw in the sausage for free.Deacon shows no enthusiasm for what's happening down below. MATT Fred, you get in there, too. FRED Are you sure? MATT Yeah, it'll be a great shot.Fred takes off his shorts and walks over to the other side ofthe bed. Ashley is offscreen, presumably lying on the bed.The two guys are facing each other. FRED Hey. DEACON S'up? FRED How's it going?Deacon shrugs. FRED (CONT'D) Hey, did you see that show on Sci Fi about sun spots? DEACON Yeah. They said there's going to be a massive eruption next year.Fred starts laughing. DEACON (CONT'D) What? FRED You said "massive eruption."Deacon starts laughing, too. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 65. MATT Hey, quit the chatter. FRED Sorry. MATT Hey, why don't you guys kiss? DEACON What? MATT You know. Make out with each other. DEACON What? FRED All right. Fred goes in to kiss Deacon, who's thoroughly confused. Deacon holds him back with his hand. DEACON Wait. Why do you want us to kiss? MATT (O.S.) Because that's what guys do in gay porn. DEACON What? Deacon looks over at the camera. It's Ashley filming. PANIC! He slowly looks down at the person he and Fred are having sex with. He can barely look. It's Matt! MATT More sausage please. DEACON Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! CUT TO:69 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 69 Deacon bolts up out of bed. Nightmare. Thank God.70 INT. BASEMENT SET AS "MOVIE THEATER" - DAY 70 Deacon enters and the scene looks very much like the dream: Ashley on the bed and Matt and Fred waiting around.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 66.The set is made up to look like a movie theater, completewith rows of seats, a bed sheet "screen," and a massive 5,000watt light. Deacon is still a little agitated. DEACON Where the hell is Coop? There's no way I'm making out with Fred.Then Coop comes out of the bathroom and sees everyone staringat Deacon. COOP What's going on? ASHLEY Deacon is talking about making out with Fred. FRED No way. I'm holding the mike and that's it. COOP I thought we were doing straight porn. ASHLEY If you guys want to do gay porn, you still have to pay me. DEACON Hang on. Relax. It was just this stupid dream I had. MATT You dreamed about making out with Fred? DEACON No. Well, yes. And we were both having sex with you. But it was just a dream so let's forget it.Everyone is a little uneasy at this admission. Deacon quicklychanges the subject. DEACON (CONT'D) What's with the light? MATT It's a "special effect." If you want this film to look amateurish, you're going to have to get someone else to do it. DEACON Okay. Relax. FRED Come on. Let's do it already.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 67. MATT Action.Matt starts his cheesy "projector light effect" and Cooptakes a seat next to Ashley. ASHLEY This summer tent-pole event-movie is making me so scared. COOP Hide your head down here and I'll tell you when it's safe to come up.As she starts to go down, we turn our attention...ON FRED and DEACON, away from the action. FRED (snide; whispers) How's Naomi? DEACON Fine. COOP (O.S.) Not yet. This is the really scary part. DEACON (whispers) Hey. Can I ask you a question?Fred shrugs. The memory of the nightmare is wreaking havocwith Deacon's conscience. DEACON (CONT'D) Do you ever think maybe we've gotten ourselves in a little over our heads with all of this? COOP (O.S.) Oh, baby. Not yet.Fred appears to be pondering the question deeply. His faceslowly contorts to a look of seeming anguish. Then, FRED Fire!The coiled cord to the massive light is burning a circularhole in the smouldering carpet. COOP Unplug the light!Deacon moves to unplug it. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 68. MATT Wait, it's hot! Too late. Deacon touches the cord, SCREAMS, and reels back, knocking the light over. It EXPLODES onto the floor. The carpet bursts into FLAMES. FRED Run! Ashley and Coop run up the stairs. Fred isn't far behind. MATT Quick, get the fire extinguisher! DEACON Where is it? MATT Over there! He spots it in the corner and grabs it. Meanwhile the flames are growing. Deacon comes over and aims the extinguisher at the flames. He depresses the lever. Nothing. DEACON It's not working! Matt thinks about it for a second. MATT Oh. Me and Fred used it when we wrote the foamy cat fight script last week.71 INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 71 Matt and Fred are giggling and prancing around the room in bikinis discharging the fire extinguishers at each other.72 INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 72 Deacon looks at him strangely for a beat, then runs into the72A INT. BASEMENT - LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 72A He looks around frantically. Nothing. Then, he starts the WASHING MACHINE. It slowly starts to fill up. MATT (O.S.) Hurry! Deacon turns the dial to "large load," pauses and chuckles to himself. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 69. DEACON Large load. MATT (O.S.) Deacon! Hurry! Deacon snaps out of it and grabs the laundry detergent bottle. He scoops up some water and RUNS into the other room.72B INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 72B He throws the soapy water onto the fire and Matt. The fire goes out, but Matt's not too happy about getting soaked.73 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 73 Coop is looking down the stairs to the basement. Fred is freaking out. Ashley is still topless but covering herself up, having just put on her panties. She goes to put on her shirt when MRS. LEWIS (O.S.) What's going on here? DEACON'S PARENTS are standing in the doorway to the kitchen with Max, whose arm is in a splint. Max stares at Ashley. She covers herself some more. Then, Deacon and Matt enter the kitchen from downstairs. MAX Nice rack. DEACON Mom! Dad! What are you doing home? MRS. LEWIS Max sprained his wrist at soccer practice. What is going on here? MR. LEWIS Well, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation why there's a naked girl in our kitchen. Right, Deacon? Deacon isn't too sure. MRS. LEWIS Well... DEACON I, uh... Deacon's mind is racing. Then,FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 70. ASHLEY I'm Deacon's girlfriend. Ashley. MRS. LEWIS MR. LEWIS *His girlfriend? His girlfriend? * DEACON Yes, my girlfriend. MRS. LEWIS And what were you doing with your clothes off in my kitchen? ASHLEY We were having a make out party. MRS. LEWIS Where are the other girls? DEACON Their dates stood them up? COOP Yeah. My date wasn't feeling well. FRED Mine has mono. From too much making out. With me. MRS. LEWIS What's that smell? MATT We had a small fire, Mrs. Lewis. I tipped over a candle. It was to set the right mood. MR. LEWIS A fire? Let me see the damage. DEACON Dad, don't. Let me take responsibility. We'll pay to have it fixed.Deacon's Dad looks at Ashley again. He can't hide his pride. MR. LEWIS Damn right you will. MRS. LEWIS Well, Ashley. I didn't know Deacon even had a girlfriend. MR. LEWIS Maybe you can join us for dinner tonight.Ashley looks at Deacon. Deacon's Mom glares at Dad. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 71. DEACON I think Ashley's busy tonight-- ASHLEY Okay. Oh, shit. MRS. LEWIS Okay, then.74 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT 74 Ashley is eating dinner with the Lewises. Max keeps staring at her. Mr. Lewis steals a few glances of Ashley himself while continuing his work-related rant. MR. LEWIS So get this. Johnson comes up to me today and he's all like "where's the ND-90's?" I'm like, "Johnson, they discontinued the ND-90 like six weeks ago." I've been telling this guy... ASHLEY Johnson sounds like a moron. MR. LEWIS Exactly! Mr. Lewis is psyched that someone is finally paying attention to him. Mrs. Lewis doesn't like the way he's looking at her. MRS. LEWIS So, Ashley. If I could ask you a personal question, exactly how old are you? ASHLEY Nineteen. But I tell people eighteen. Deacon laughs nervously. DEACON Isn't that funny? The doorbell rings. DEACON (CONT'D) I'll get it. FOYER Deacon open the door. It's Naomi. DEACON What are you doing here?FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 72. NAOMI I thought I'd come by and surprise you. Maybe we could hang out in your bedroom.She looks at him seductively. Deacon looks over his shoulder. DEACON Now's not a good time. NAOMI What's wrong? DEACON Nothing. Let's talk later.He tries to close the door, but she stops it. MRS. LEWIS (O.S.) Deacon, who is it?Too late. Naomi comes in. NAOMI Hi, Mrs. Lewis. I'm Naomi. I'm Deacon's girlfriend.And with that she looks at Deacon, figuring she just made hisday. It fails, however, to achieve the desired effect. MRS. LEWIS His girlfriend?She looks at Deacon. Max pokes his head through. MAX Deacon has two girlfriends? DEACON Shut up, Max! NAOMI What do you mean? What's going on? MAX Deacon's other girlfriend is having dinner with us. DEACON I can explain.Naomi walks into the kitchen with Max. MAX This is Deacon's other girlfriend, Ashley. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 73. MR. LEWIS His other girlfriend? Dad's beaming with pride. The two girls size each other up. ASHLEY Hi. NAOMI Oh, my God. How old are you, you slut? ASHLEY Eighteen. NAOMI I thought you were a nice guy. Naomi storms out of the house. Deacon follows, then Ashley. MRS. LEWIS You need to have a talk with him. He could be having S-E-X. MR. LEWIS I need to give him a goddamn medal. (she storms off) What? FOYER Deacon watches Naomi go. Ashley consoles him. ASHLEY Let her go. DEACON Are you insane? I've been fantasizing about Naomi Feldman since the seventh grade. ASHLEY Fantasy and reality are two different things, Deacon. Don't fall in love with who you think she is. You have to be sure you love the real person. DEACON So what should I do? ASHLEY Go after her then. Or don't. Whatever. He looks at Ashley for a beat, then goes after Naomi.75 EXT. STREET - NIGHT 75 Naomi and Deacon are arguing under a street light. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 74. NAOMI She's a porno actress in your porno film. She had to pretend to be your girlfriend because she ran upstairs naked when the light caused a fire. And you've never had sex with her or even kissed her. DEACON Yeah, pretty much. He looks down. DEACON (CONT'D) So, I guess this means you're not my girlfriend anymore. NAOMI Not necessarily. She looks at him with newfound interest. NAOMI (CONT'D) I want to come to the set tomorrow. DEACON No, I don't think that's a good idea. NAOMI Why not? I'm curious. I've never seen a porno movie actually being made. DEACON Matt and Fred will get really mad. We're not supposed to tell anyone. NAOMI Tell them I'm a ... creative consultant. For the female point of view. DEACON No offense, but the female point of view doesn't really matter in these films. She looks at him, pouting. DEACON (CONT'D) Okay. Okay.76 CLOSE ON a computer monitor displaying the A.S.S. Website. 76 The cursor is clicking through the various pages: text stories, pictures of the set, still photos of Ashley and Coop, etc. But more importantly, the "hits" counter looks like the odometer on a rocket ship. PULL BACK to reveal... FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 75.76A INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - DAY 76A Mike is surfing the web while eating a large bratwurst sandwich. Vic enters in his signature robe. MIKE This After School Special shit is amazing. They're getting a ton of hits off their stupid stories and they don't even have any product. VIC Are you sure those are the guys from the Pretty Kitty? MIKE It's the same guys. Bingo. I just found out where they live. VIC Give me that address. I'm gonna teach these assholes a little lesson about the adult film business. He takes the piece of paper and storms out the door. MIKE Vic! He pops back in. MIKE (CONT'D) You going like that? Vic looks down at his robe. VIC Oh, yeah. Thanks Mike. Vic puts his slippers on. They do the jive hand shake and hug thing again.77 INT. VIC'S CAR, PARKED - DAY 77 Vic checks the address of the house against the print out. VIC Goddamn amateurs. Think they can screw with Vic Ramalot. MIKE Let's do this.78 EXT. STREET - DAY 78 They get out of the car and Mike places the gun in his pants. They walk up to the front door and bang. It opens, revealingFINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 76.MR. GREITZER. VIC You Greitzer? GREITZER Yes. That's me.Vic's a little confused. He looks at the piece of paper. VIC Ronald J. Greitzer? GREITZER Yes. That's right.Then, a spark of understanding. VIC Oh, I get it. Brilliant. You're not even a fuckin' kid.Mike pulls the gun out and puts it to Greitzer's head.Greitzer drops his glass of soda, raises his hands, andstarts shaking, terrified. GREITZER What are you doing? VIC What am I doing? I'm retiring you from the porno business. Permanently. Understand? GREITZER Yes. Yes. Please don't hurt me. VIC No more sweet young pussy, no more hot school-girl fantasies, no more goddamn pornos "for virgins by virgins." You got me?Greitzer's eyes dart over to the side, and for the firsttime, Vic steps into the house and sees: LITTLE GIRLS.It's Greitzer's little daughter's birthday party. Six-year-old GIRLS and their stunned PARENTS all stare at Vic.Greitzer's wife comes over, screaming and crying. GREITZER'S WIFE Please don't hurt my husband! VIC Uh... FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 77. GREITZER I'm sorry! I'll never rent them again! It was only that one time my wife was at her sister's! Please! I promise you! GREITZER'S WIFE You rented a dirty movie? You told me it was Jakob the Liar! Mike lowers the gun and they start backing out of there. GREITZER What? I shouldn't be entitled to a little joy in life? GREITZER'S WIFE Now look at the trouble you've brought to this house. GREITZER And I'm supposed to know the Religious Right would come after me for renting an adult film? As they continue to fight, Vic and Mike run back to the car.79 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 79 Dress rehearsals. Naomi is sitting at the kitchen table talking to Ashley, who's wearing a sexy cheerleader outfit. Deacon is at the microwave making popcorn. NAOMI Five hundred dollars a night? ASHLEY Yeah, but if you can break into films, like these ones, you can get featured dancing gigs and make ten times that much. NAOMI No way. ASHLEY Seriously. If these guys ever get their act together. Matt stumbles in carrying a pile of scripts. Fred walks in behind him and sees Naomi. FRED What is she doing here? DEACON Naomi is my girlfriend.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 78.Fred exchanges a glance with Matt. DEACON (CONT'D) And I wanted her to help out. Give the script a female point of view.Fred pulls Deacon aside. FRED Jesus, Deacon. Didn't you see that Beatles documentary on the History Channel? You're pulling a Yoko Ono on us. DEACON What? FRED Fine. Whatever. Let's get started. I'm sure she'll be really helpful.Coop comes out of the bathroom dressed as the Math TeamCaptain, complete with nerd glasses, pocket protector, etc. COOP Oh, hey, Naomi. NAOMI Hey, Coop. Are you helping these guys, too? COOP (sheepishly) Sort of. MATT Okay, people. Places everybody. Let's try to do this with a little heart, okay? And action.Everyone turns to their scripts and starts the rehearsal. ASHLEY This quadratic equation is so hard. COOP Well, maybe we should just stick to long division.Coop drops his corduroys and Naomi gasps. She stares atCoop's "slide rule" for a beat, then snaps out of it. NAOMI Wait a second. Cut. This is all wrong. She wouldn't be fantasizing about some geek.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 79. MATT He's not a geek. He's the Math Team Captain. NAOMI No, he should be really well-dressed, and maybe he's a foreign exchange student from Portugal. MATT Um, and the director is the only one who's allowed to say "cut." FRED Who cares, Naomi? NAOMI Deacon agrees with me, don't you?Matt and Fred look at Deacon. COOP Dudes, come on. My nuts are getting cold. ASHLEY I'm out of here. NAOMI Shut up, Coop. This is important. COOP (swings his arms out) And my nuts aren't?Coop's hand accidentally smacks Ashley in the nose as she'sgetting up. She SCREAMS. DEACON Are you okay? COOP I'm sorry, Ashley.She's pissed, holding her nose. ASHLEY Look. This is ridiculous. Who does dress rehearsals for a porno shoot? MATT Oh, sure. Why don't we throw out the script while we're at it and "improvise." FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 80. ASHLEY Guys, I appreciate the money. It's nice to get paid for sitting around doing nothing, but this isn't helping my career. I've got no footage for my reel. She packs up. FRED Where are you going? ASHLEY Sorry. She leaves. COOP Ashley, wait. I'm sorry. Ashley! Then, he blurts out something unexpected: COOP (CONT'D) (calling after her) I love you! Coop exchanges an awkward glance with the guys: he's said too much. He goes after Ashley, with his pants still around his ankles and his bare ass in full display. He stumbles on his pants and falls on his face. He gets up quickly and continues after her, still with his pants down. FRED Now what are we going to do? Your "girlfriend" ruined everything. DEACON Coop's the one that smacked her. NAOMI Besides, if you losers knew anything about women, we wouldn't have this problem. FRED Who asked you? NAOMI I don't have to take this. She storms off, leaving Deacon there to make a decision. He looks at Matt and Fred for a beat, then follows Naomi. Fred and Matt are crushed.80 EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - DAY 80 Ashley is walking through the parking lot on the way to work. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 81. MRS. LEWIS (O.S.) Ashley? It's Deacon's Mom, in the adjacent lot. She walks over to her. ASHLEY Mrs. Lewis! MRS. LEWIS What are you doing here? ASHLEY I, um, I'm... I'm going where you're going. MRS. LEWIS To yoga class? ASHLEY Yes. Exactly. MRS. LEWIS I haven't seen you in class before. ASHLEY It's my first time. MRS. LEWIS Well, that's great, Ashley. You're really going to love it. She escorts her towards the yoga class building. MRS. LEWIS (CONT'D) It's really easy, but if you can't keep up, just follow my lead. CUT TO:81 INT. YOGA CLASS - DAY 81 The entire class of slackjawed MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN yoga students stare in disbelief. Even the instructor is amazed. ASHLEY is essentially folded in half, her legs pinned well beyond her ears. She's obviously been in this position before.82 INT. YOGA CLASS - LATER 82 The women are gathering their things after class, some still eyeing Ashley jealously. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 82. MRS. LEWIS You're quite flexible, Ashley. ASHLEY Yeah, people tell me that all the time. You know, I could teach you some of those moves. Mr. Lewis would love it. MRS. LEWIS Oh. Okay. Maybe later. Listen, Ashley. I want to ask you something... personal. About you and Deacon. ASHLEY Uh huh. MRS. LEWIS You know Deacon is only seventeen. ASHLEY Uh huh. MRS. LEWIS Right. So I was just wondering. You know. If you and Deacon... Well, if Deacon and you were... ASHLEY Um, no. MRS. LEWIS Good. Good. That's very good. She gives Ashley a warm little hug. ASHLEY Listen, Mrs. Lewis. You don't have to worry about Deacon. He's a good kid. If you just let him make his own mistakes in life, he's going to turn out fine.83 INT. NAOMI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 83 Deacon and Naomi are under the covers, making out. NAOMI So, do you have anything? DEACON Like what? NAOMI You know. Protection. DEACON Oh. Oh yeah. Of course.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 83.She sees he's nervous. NAOMI Don't you want to? DEACON Of course I do. NAOMI Then what's the problem?Deacon looks at her waiting there for him, his for thetaking. A long beat. Then, DEACON It's my first time. NAOMI That's okay. Just go slow.And he does. He's nervous at first, not sure what to do. Butas she kisses him softly, suddenly we start to hear the slowfade in of PORNO MUSIC playing in Deacon's head. (Now thatDeacon's actually having sex, it's involunarily triggeringthe only thing he knows about sex: porno movies.) The musicgrows louder when: FRED (V.O.) (in Deacon's head) Every two minutes, they change positions.He pauses, and cocks his head in confusion. He tries to shakeFred's voice out of his head, but he can't. FRED (V.O.) (CONT'D) It's a basic rule of porno.Finally, he gives in to the porno music. He rolls Naomi ontop of him. JUMP CUT TO:They're doing it standing up against the door. FRED (V.O.) (CONT'D) The door. Always a classic. JUMP CUT TO:Deacon sweeps away all the stuff from her desk and lifts herup on it. Naomi likes it. ASHLEY (V.O.) Fantasy and reality are two different things. JUMP CUT TO: FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 84. Naomi's HAND presses up against the window. It slowly falls to the ground. FRED (V.O.) It's a basic rule of porno. JUMP CUT TO: Back on the bed, Naomi is in a state of complete bliss, having had her first ever orgasm. ASHLEY (V.O.) Fantasy and reality are two different things... But Deacon doesn't share Naomi's contentment. He looks troubled.83A INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT 83A The next night, Deacon is talking to Ashley backstage as she's getting ready to go on. DEACON I don't know. It was weird. Is it supposed to be so weird? ASHLEY Of course it was weird. True love can only exist between two women. Deacon is stunned. ASHLEY (CONT'D) Just kidding. I don't know, Deacon. Do you like this girl? He hesitates a bit too long. DEACON Of course I do. ASHLEY Your heart is telling you that you don't. And I think it's time you start listening to your heart. Deacon still doesn't get it. ASHLEY (CONT'D) Look. I have to go on. Just do whatever you want. Or don't. Whatever. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 85.84 INT. DAVE'S DUPES - DAY 84 Vic and Mike wait at the counter for his video copies of volume 28. DAVE (cameo for the director, DME) comes to the counter with a box. VIC Thanks, Dave. DAVE Vic. He turns to leave just as another GUY (cameo for the writer, DHS) comes up to Dave with a pad of paper. VIDEO DUPE GUY Hey, Dave, there's a guy on the phone who wants to set up a new account. DAVE What's it for? VIDEO DUPE GUY Some outfit called After School Special. They turn back. MIKE What did you just say? VIDEO DUPE GUY Nothing. It's for another customer. Mike grabs him by the collar and pulls him over to Vic. VIC Did you say "After School Special"? Mike grabs the paper, drops the guy, and he and Vic rush out of the store. After they're gone: VIDEO DUPE GUY Shit, man. You must be crazy. (calling after them) Better watch your back, homie! You might get smoked!85 INT. PEACHTREE & FINCH - DAY 85 Naomi is dragging Deacon into the store featuring posters of buff male models with nut-hugging boxer briefs. DEACON What are we doing here? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 86. NAOMI What? I thought you might want some new clothes. DEACON I don't need any new clothes. NAOMI And guess what? I booked facials for us at the Serenity Spa. DEACON Naomi. Wait. Stop. He stops her. NAOMI What's wrong? DEACON I have to meet up with Matt and Fred this afternoon. I already blew them off yesterday. NAOMI Deacon, you don't have to hang out with those guys any more. Besides, you really need a facial. And I mean, I thought we could spend the day together. You know, after last night. DEACON But what about Matt and Fred? NAOMI Well what about me? She pouts. She has him under her thumb. He takes her hand and continues into the store.86 INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 86 Deacon walks in really late, but wearing a hot new Peachtree & Finch outfit. And his skin seems to glow. Matt and Fred glare at him from the far end of the couch. DEACON What's going on? Are we going to find another girl? (off their look) What? FRED Matt and I have been talking. DEACON Yeah. About what? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 87. MATT We want to make this movie. DEACON I know. I do, too. FRED No, Deacon. We want to make the movie we wrote. We want to make it without you. DEACON Okay. I know what this is about, guys. I'm sorry about Naomi. FRED That's not the problem, Deacon. DEACON Then what is it? FRED I thought this was about us having fun and doing something crazy together. But as soon as you got what you wanted, you blew us off. DEACON You don't understand. Fred cuts to the chase. FRED Do you even like her? Deacon is about to tell them. Then, DEACON Fine. Go ahead without me. FRED Fine. Matt and Fred get up and leave.86A OMITTED 86A86B OMITTED 86B86C OMITTED 86C86D OMITTED 86D86E OMITTED 86E FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 88.87 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT 87 The family eats dinner in silence. Deacon feels like shit. MRS. LEWIS So, Deacon. How'd you think you did on your midterms? DEACON Fine. MAX I found a dead bird on the soccer field. Its head was missing. Deacon's Dad pushes away his plate and gets up. MR. LEWIS I have to go back to the office tonight. Johnson screwed the pooch again. MRS. LEWIS Whatever.88 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT 88 Deacon's Dad gets into the Aerostar. He turns on the radio, which blasts a ROCKING SONG. He quickly changes it back to an EASY LISTENING TUNE.88A EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT 88A He pulls in to the lot and parks. He steps out of the car and starts to walk to his office. Only it's not his office. It's...89 EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 89 He passes the Bouncer, still reading Aristotle's Ethics. BOUNCER Enjoy.90 INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT 90 Ashley is changing into her school girl outfit. PLANTAIN Ash, you ready? You're up now.90A INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT 90A DEACON'S DAD enters the club and pays the cashier. INTERCUT: FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 89.90B ASHLEY sprays glitter on her body backstage. 90B90C DEACON'S DAD takes a seat right up front. 90C D.J. (O.S.) ... they work hard for their money, guys, so let's tip them good. All right. Now, on the main carousel, let's give it up for the naughty school girl. ASHLEY! Applause. Ashley struts out through the cloud of stage FOG, right up to Deacon's Dad... ... who's turned around, ordering a drink. He turns back to see... ... Ashley's back, as she swings around the pole. She struts by each of the men in the front row, reaching down to take dollar bills out of their hands. She walks over to Deacon's Dad... ... but he's tipping the waitress. She does another spin around the pole... and lands in a split, face to face with... ... Deacon's Dad, who happens to have a crisp dollar bill between his teeth. They immediately recognize each other and FREEZE. A long beat. Then: MR. LEWIS Hello, naughty school girl whom I've never met before. ASHLEY You, too, are someone whose kitchen I've never been in. Another beat, then she grabs the bill out of his teeth, and quickly moves away.91 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT 91 Dad walks upstairs, still a little stunned. MRS. LEWIS You get everything done at work? MR. LEWIS Yeah. All set. MRS. LEWIS Oh, guess who I ran into? Deacon's girlfriend, Ashley. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 90. Dad freezes. MR. LEWIS Where did you see Ashley? MRS. LEWIS Over on Industrial Way. MR. LEWIS You were on Industrial? MRS. LEWIS You know, she is so flexible. It's really amazing some of the positions that girl can twist herself into. MR. LEWIS What?!? MRS. LEWIS She even offered to teach me. So I could move like that. MR. LEWIS Yeah, that would be great! I mean, if you're into that. MRS. LEWIS Maybe. I like her. I know she's a little older, but I think she's good for Deacon. MR. LEWIS You do? Just then, Deacon walks past them down the hallway towards his bedroom. Dad eyes him with a rare combination of fatherly concern and male jealously.92 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 92 Deacon walks past his desk and something catches his eye. He stops to look at a picture of himself with Fred and Matt from fifth grade. He looks really happy in the picture. Then, he sees a strip of photo booth pictures taken yesterday with Naomi. She's hamming it up for the camera, but you can tell from his expression, they don't belong together. He tosses the Naomi picture onto the desk.93 EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT 93 Deacon stands by the water skipping rocks with Matt and Fred. FRED So, what did you want to talk to us about?FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 91. DEACON I wanted to say I'm sorry. FRED For what? DEACON For blowing you guys off. MATT That's okay, Deacon. DEACON No, it's not. It's just sometimes I feel like the whole world is passing us by and we're just sitting still. I don't know. Anyway, I'm sorry. FRED You know, you can be a real dick sometimes.Then, Fred smiles. Deacon knows they're cool with each other. DEACON Naomi and I did it the other night. MATT No way! FRED You're kidding, right? DEACON No, it's true. FRED How was it? DEACON Good. At first. But then I kept thinking about all the pornos. Trying to hit the right spots, positions. I don't know. After a while it kind of seemed like work. MATT I find that extremely difficult to believe.Deacon laughs. FRED So what now? Do we make this thing? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 92. DEACON I don't know. Maybe we should just call it quits. ASHLEY (O.S.) Hey, guys. Ashley walks up to them. She looks hotter than ever, in a tiny midriff shirt and short shorts. DEACON What are you doing here? ASHLEY I need you. FRED What? ASHLEY I need you to make this movie. For my reel. DEACON Well, actually we were-- ASHLEY Ooh, look. An eyelash. For the third time, time stands still as Ashley gently pulls the errant eyelash from Deacon's eye and offers it up to him. ASHLEY (CONT'D) Make a wish. Deacon is too entranced to close his eyes, but he does take the opportunity to blow the eyelash off her hand. She smiles and brushes back a strand of hair from his brow. The guys are hooked. Up through the window, over on Deacon's computer, the A.S.S. Website is running, featuring Roger's smiling face with the motto, "By Virgins, For Virgins." The counter is on fire.94 INT. HAIRDRESSER - DAY 94 Roger is getting his hair cut by a cute HAIRDRESSER, his wheelchair next to him. A few other women are in the back, whispering and looking over at Roger. An OPERA ARIA plays on the radio. HAIRDRESSER So, I'm thinking about getting into films.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 93. ROGER Okay. HAIRDRESSER You have any tips on how to break in? ROGER Uh, no. Not really. Acting classes, I guess. HAIRDRESSER Really? I didn't think there was a lot of acting in those films.Roger is confused. ROGER Well, I guess it kind of depends. HAIRDRESSER You think you could get me an audition? ROGER For what? HAIRDRESSER Come on. How long have I been cutting your hair? ROGER Since I was like eight. HAIRDRESSER (whispers) I know who you are. Don't worry. Your secret's safe. Come on. I just want to make one film to see what it's like.Roger is still totally clueless. ROGER That's great. But how can I help you? HAIRDRESSER Oh, I get it. You help me, I have to help you. That's how it works. Okay.She looks around. Then, she sprays a big dollop of hairmousse into one hand and places it under the hair apron.ZIP. Roger panics. HAIRDRESSER (CONT'D) Relax. ROGER What're you-- Oh, God! FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 94. His face contorts to match the aria playing on the radio, making it look like he's singing the soprano solo.95 INT. BASEMENT SET AS "THE PROM" - DAY 95 Coop and Ashley have brought some help: Plantain and the Bouncer. They're waiting around for the guys. The room is their most elaborate set so far, a hotel ball room, complete with themed prom banner, dance floor, stage, etc. COOP No, no, it's a municipal bond fund. ASHLEY But what about the capital gains? COOP Sure there's short term capital gains, but the dividends are tax free. PLANTAIN State and federal? Deacon enters with Matt and Fred. ASHLEY Hey, guys. I hope you don't mind, Plantain and Baxter want to be in the movie, too. BOUNCER Hey! Mr. Runningbear! Matt smiles meekly as we CUT TO: THE PRODUCTION MONTAGE:95A INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95A Moments later, cheesy prom MUSIC plays and a mirrored disco ball reflects light across the dance floor. As the couple dances across the floor, dressed in a prom gown and tux, Ashley looks into Coop's eyes. ASHLEY Ira, I have something important to tell you. COOP What is it? ASHLEY This prom is making me so hot. I'm ready to lose my virginity to you tonight. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 95. Coop gives the thumbs up to the Bouncer, also dressed in a tux, then starts making out with Ashley in an exaggerated tongue-lapping display. BEHIND THE CAMERA, Matt peeks out and looks at the other two guys with a furled brow. Deacon gives him a forced thumbs up.95B INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95B Coop and Ashley sit in the back seat of a Split Car. Coop says, "Oh, Rachael. You're the best." Fred looks over at Deacon, who just smiles sheepishly.95C INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95C The Bouncer and Coop play chess as the guys capture the offscreen action. Ashley says, "You're the sexiest teacher I ever had." The guys turn their heads sideways to figure out the bizarre position Ashley and Plantain have gotten themselves into.95D INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95D Plantain, dressed as a chaperone with a big punch stain on her dress, is eating a tuna fish sandwich and smoking a cigarette. Matt calls "Okay, people. Places. Let's get it together." Plantain puts the cigarette out on her heel, hides the tuna fish sandwich in her purse, and sprays the air with Weylon J. Petunia's. PLANTAIN My dress is ruined! BOUNCER I'm so sorry, Miss Jorgensen. What are we going to do? She rips off her dress in one big swoop, revealing sexy underwear.95E INT. BASEMENT BATHROOM - DAY 95E Fred is in the bathroom with the Moisty-Mate, but he just can't seem to get in the mood. Through the door: PLANTAIN (O.S.) I never knew chaperoning the prom could be so "hard." Fred gives up and throws the lotion back in his book bag. When he exits the bathroom, everyone is staring in his direction, then quickly looks away nonchalantly.95F INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95F The Bouncer is going at it with an ugly sex face, dripping with sweat. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 96. Fred lowers the boom and it smacks the Bouncer in the head. Deacon applauds, trying to rally the troops, "Good scene. Good scene."96G INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 96G Plantain speaks with no real enthusiasm, "I give you an A+." Matt asks her to do the line again, but she says it exactly the same way again. One more time, same result. Suddenly Coop lets out a huge FART and everyone starts laughing. Matt throws his hands up, frustrated.95H INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95H Coop and Ashley are in the back seat, post coitus. ASHLEY That was the best prom ever. COOP You can say that again. And as Ashley actually repeats her line, we see Fred mouthing it along with her, proud of his contribution to the script.95J EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY 95J Matt strips off the sheets, sprays them with lighter fluid, and sets them on fire. As the flames rise up and FILL THE SCREEN, MATT (O.S.) Cut. That's a wrap. END MONTAGE.96 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY - DAY 96 Deacon is studying in the library. RACHAEL (O.S.) Deacon! He turns around and there she is: RACHAEL UNGER. DEACON Rachael? RACHAEL Hi, how are you? DEACON Good. Good. How was France? RACHAEL It was so fun. We just got back yesterday. The school totally screwed up my class schedule. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 97. Deacon looks her over. DEACON So, how's John Baldwin? Rachael goes white. RACHAEL Who told you about that? DEACON Everybody knows. RACHAEL Well everybody is a liar. I never did it with John Baldwin. Deacon is stunned. DEACON You didn't? RACHAEL Jesus, Deacon. I don't even know him. It's not like it was with us. It hits Deacon like a ton of bricks.97 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM - DAY 97 Deacon and Fred enter and see Matt sitting by the computer. FRED So...? DEACON How does it look? MATT It looks great. It's the best porno film I've ever made. FRED So what's the problem? DEACON Are you done with it? MATT Well, I cut together some footage to give to Ashley for her reel, but I don't think I can finish this film. FRED Why not?FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 98. MATT I can't even watch it. Every time I turn it on, I keep thinking about that tuna fish sandwich and Coop farting all day long. DEACON That was pretty gross. MATT That's just it. The movie looks great, but seeing everything else -- all the disgusting, nasty stuff -- that's what's taken all the fun out of it. And I just don't want to do it any more. FRED Great. I knew it. I knew you couldn't handle this.Matt looks away. DEACON Take it easy, Fred. FRED No, I knew that when it came down to it, Matt would wuss out.Matt snaps. MATT You know what? Fuck you, Fred. You're the wuss here. At least I don't have to whack off every time I see a girl in the hallway.Fred shoves Matt. FRED Shut up, Matt.Matt stands up and gets in Fred's face. MATT No, you shut up! For once in your life, be a man and admit this movie was a mistake. FRED Why don't you make me?The two square off, staring each other down. Until, DEACON No. Matt's right. This movie was a mistake. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 99. FRED What are you talking about? This whole thing was your idea. DEACON Come on, Fred. Didn't you think this movie was going to be ... I don't know, sexy? Fred looks at the other two for a beat, not sure what to say. Finally, he smiles. FRED How long have you guys known about the bathroom thing? Deacon laughs. MATT If you didn't like making the movie, why didn't you say something? FRED I don't know. I thought you guys were having fun. I didn't want to be the wuss. A beat. FRED (CONT'D) So what about the car? DEACON The Aerostar's not so bad. FRED What about the money and the power and the women? What about Tony Montana? MATT Scar Face is just a stupid movie, Fred. Fred smiles. MATT (CONT'D) So what do we do with this? He holds up the tape.98 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK (CLOSED) - NIGHT 98 The tape is burning in the center of a huge bonfire. A massive party is raging. Tons of teenagers are dancing, drinking, and having a good time rocking to a LIVE BAND. At the center of it all are Matt, Fred, and Deacon are finally enjoying themselves.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 100. ASHLEY Hey, guys. Great party. DEACON Thanks. ASHLEY I've got some big news. I sent the reel to Vivid and they want to fly me and Coop to L.A. to talk about a contract. MATT Wow. That's great, Ashley. DEACON Congratulations.Deacon hugs her. BOUNCER (O.S.) Deacon! Vinnie says we need more ice! DEACON Hang on, guys. I'll be right back.He leaves Fred and Matt alone with Ashley. FRED Hey, Ashley. Can I ask you a question? ASHLEY Sure. FRED Do you think me and Matt will ever get girlfriends? ASHLEY Are you kidding? Come on, guys. You have it made. You're smart, funny, fun to be with. In a couple of years, girls will be dying to meet men like you. MATT Really? ASHLEY Well, no. Popular, good looking guys always get the girls. (off their look) Hey, what was I supposed to say?Then, Roger wheels by, arm in arm with his Hairdresser. Nomore braces and headgear, Roger looks sharp with slicked backhair and suave clothes. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 101. ROGER Hey, guys. Great party. He wheels off. The guys and Ashley do a double take.99 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT - NIGHT 99 The Bouncer is checking off names from the invite list. A long line of people are trying to get in, including J.T. J.T. I can't believe these losers are having such a killer party. Coop is walking by and overhears the comment. COOP Hey, you're not on the list, dude. J.T. What's with you, you pussy? Are you joining the retard team, too? Just then, Plantain enters and walks to the front of the line. The high school guys stop everything to stare at her. PLANTAIN Coop! COOP Plantain. Plantain kisses him, while nonchalantly grabbing his crotch. PLANTAIN Come on. You don't need to wait in this line. Deacon and the guys are already inside. Coop puts his arms around her and walks away, not without looking back over his shoulder for a second at J.T. standing there, dumbfounded. Then, the Bouncer escorts J.T. away.100 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT 100 Ashley is walking by Wendy and Kelly. WENDY I can't believe Naomi dumped Jake for Deacon Lewis. Ashley stops. ASHLEY Let me tell you something about Deacon. That boy is amazing in bed. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 102. KELLY And you are...? ASHLEY Ashley. Deacon's ex. WENDY Seriously? ASHLEY Seriously. Have your boyfriends ever given you an orgasm? WENDY No. KELLY I think so. (off Ashley's look) No. ASHLEY Have you ever felt so completely satisfied in bed that you just wanted to sleep for a week? KELLY AND WENDY No. ASHLEY You're wasting your time giving those Neanderthals blowjobs. I mean, they'll probably wind up unemployed wife beaters anyway. KELLY So, are Deacon's friends seeing anybody? ASHLEY Matt and Fred? I don't think so. But if you're interested, you better move fast. Those guys know how to do this thing ... She whispers something to Wendy and Kelly. They look shocked. Ashley walks off...100A EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT 100A ...and finds Deacon, sitting alone on a broken-down ride. She sits down next to him. ASHLEY How's Naomi? DEACON I don't know. Good, I guess. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 103. ASHLEY I thought she was your fantasy girl. DEACON Yeah. She was. ASHLEY You're gonna dump her. DEACON I don't want to. I don't know. It's not like it was when I was with Rachael. Rachael and I used to talk about stuff. We just, I don't know, connected. ASHLEY Very good, Deacon. Deacon is confused. DEACON What do you mean? ASHLEY Oh, nothing. I guess I'm just glad that you finally figured it out. A moment of realization. DEACON Yeah, I guess I did. (beat) So I have to do this, don't I? ASHLEY (joking this time) I guess. Or not. Whatever. Deacon smiles. He finally understands that Ashley really does care about him. Ashley kisses him on the cheek and exits off into the horizon.101 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT 101 Deacon holds Naomi's hand and they walk and talk. DEACON There's something I want to talk to you about. NAOMI What? DEACON I've been thinking. Maybe we should see other people.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 104. NAOMI What? DEACON Well, I mean, we don't really have anything in common. And we don't really even get along. NAOMI You're breaking up with me? (beat) Can we still have sex? DEACON Listen to what I'm saying, Naomi. NAOMI The only reason I went out with you was because I thought you were a nice guy. And now you're breaking up with me? DEACON Yeah. I guess so. NAOMI If you tell anybody about this... I have a reputation. DEACON I won't. You can tell people you dumped me if you want. NAOMI Really? DEACON Sure. What do I care? NAOMI You see? You are a nice guy.She kisses him on the cheek. DEACON Just don't tell anyone about the movies. All right?She smiles. JAKE (O.S.) These guys are pornographers!It's Jake, on the bandstand with the mike. He's drunk. JAKE (CONT'D) They're perverts! They make porno movies in their basement! FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 105. But no one is paying any attention. DEACON No one's listening to you, Jake. Give it a rest. Jake gets down to confront the guys. JAKE Oh, really, skidmarks? I know someone who will believe me. Your parents. DEACON The web site is in someone else's name. All our records are encrypted. There's no tracing it to us, jerk off. JAKE Oh, really? Well, good thing I took the tape of Ashley masturbating in your basement. When they see that, they'll see what kind of movies their perfect little Deacon is making. DEACON Did you make a copy of it? JAKE No. DEACON You sent the original tape to my parents? JAKE Yup. NAOMI You know, Jake, you're a real dick! She punches him in the stomach. He doubles over and she uppercuts him. He flies backwards, crashing through a table. DEACON Jesus. MATT You should probably avoid pissing her off. DEACON Noted. Guys. We've got a problem.102 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT 102 A large envelope labelled "OPEN ME" sits with the unopened mail on the foyer table. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 106.103 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT - NIGHT 103 The guys get into the Aerostar. VIC (O.S.) Not so fast, ladies. It's Vic and Mike, and Mike points his gun at Deacon's head. VIC (CONT'D) Which one of you is Balls McLongcock? Matt and Deacon give up Fred. VIC (CONT'D) Good name. FRED Thanks. VIC Too bad you're not going to be able to use it any more. DEACON Who the hell are you? VIC The competition. And who the hell are you, coming into my town, paying girls double what I'm paying them? This stupid After School Special shit is cutting into my business. So now I'm putting you out of business.104 OMITTED 104105 OMITTED 105106 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT 106 The folks are reading.107 OMITTED 107108 OMITTED 108109 OMITTED 109110 OMITTED 110110A EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 110A CLOSE ON the Aerostar bumper sticker, "My child is on the honor roll at William Wall High School." FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 107. CRANE SHOT up to the second floor landing.110B INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 110B Deacon, Matt, and Fred are bound and gagged, and hanging by their pants from meat hooks. Mike takes their gags off and they starts whimpering. MATT Please don't kill us, Mr. Porno Man. VIC Relax. We're not going to kill you. The guys let out a collective sigh of relief. Thank God. A beat. Then Mike pulls out the HEDGE CLIPPERS. MIKE (matter of fact) We're going to cut your balls off. FRED What?!? The guys freak out, but Mike's gun keeps them in place. VIC (re: Fred) Start with him. FRED Why me? It was all Deacon's idea! DEACON FRED! VIC Okay. Do the leader kid. MIKE Quit squirming. It hurts a lot more if you struggle. Vic starts undoing Deacon's belt. DEACON Wait! Wait! Wait! VIC Come on, kid. Take it like a man. Vic pulls down Deacon's pants. Mike brings the blades together in a menacing practice chop.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 108.Deacon is CRYING like a little girl. Fred also sobsuncontrollably, creating a cacophony of boyhood terror.Mike goes in for the cut... MATT We've got pre-orders!Mike stops and looks back at Vic. VIC What did you say? MATT We pre-sold copies of our video. VIC (condescending) How many? Fifty? A hundred? MATT No. Sixty-three thousand, two hundred twelve. VIC What? MIKE That's a lot of product, Vic. FRED We've got orders from all over the world. DEACON We'll give you the website if you let us go.Vic looks at Mike for a second, then shrugs. Mike closes thehedge clippers and they untie the kids and let them down.Deacon pulls up his pants. VIC Okay, so what's your cut? DEACON Nothing. FRED Except... DEACON What except? There's no except! FRED Except you promise to supply us with quality porn free of charge. (off Deacon's look) (MORE) FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 109. FRED (CONT'D) It could come in handy. I mean, until we get girlfriends. MATT And... DEACON No, Matt! MATT (emboldened) And you have to maintain the artistic vision of After School Special. VIC And what's that? Matt puts his arm around around Vic's shoulder. MATT The key is to try and remember what it was like before you had sex. What did you used to fantasize about? A math teacher who bends over a little too far. The door to the girls' locker room open just a sliver. Going over to visit your friend and catching his mother coming out of the shower. FRED Dude? MATT Not you. Deacon's mom. FRED Oh yeah. I've been there.111 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - PARENTS' BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK) 111 Deacon's mom is showering, but the door to the bathroom is open. Fred wanders into the bedroom. FRED Deacon? Are you in here?112 INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT (END FLASHBACK) 112 DEACON Guys! VIC Okay. We've got a deal, but you gotta give me all your master tapes. (to Matt) And kid. If you ever need a job, give me a call. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 110. He hands Matt a card. Deacon turns to Vic and shakes his hand. MATT It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. ... VIC Ramalot. Vic Ramalot. FRED Good name. VIC Thanks. The guys savor the moment, then simultaneously realize the clock's still ticking... They run!113 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 113 MR. LEWIS Did you go through the mail today? MRS. LEWIS Not yet. I'll go get it. She gets up to get the mail.113A EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT 113A The car races around a corner.113B INT. AEROSTAR - NIGHT 113B FRED Hurry! DEACON It's a minivan! It can't go that fast!114 EXT. STREET - NIGHT 114 The car races down the street.115 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT 115 His mom approaches the Envelope and stack of mail.116 EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT 116 They run up to the door and burst in.117 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT 117 Deacon runs in and eyes: AN EMPTY TABLE. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 111. He looks around frantically. He runs into the117A INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 117A where his parents are sitting there waiting for him. He can tell by their expression, they know. MR. LEWIS Looking for something in the mail, Deacon? DEACON No, I just-- MR. LEWIS Maybe something you'd rather not have us see. Deacon goes white. DEACON Mom, Dad... MRS. LEWIS It's too late, Deacon. DEACON Wait-- MRS. LEWIS We just want you to know how deeply disappointed we are in you. DEACON I can explain. MR. LEWIS Explain? Explain? DEACON If you'll just give me a chance... MR. LEWIS How are you going to explain this? He holds up the REPORT CARD. MRS. LEWIS How did you manage to get a "C" in biology? Deacon is in shock: relieved, confused, and a little angry. MRS. LEWIS (CONT'D) I knew we shouldn't have let him have a girlfriend--FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 112. MR. LEWIS Let alone two-- DEACON Is that what this is about? My biology class? It's just a stupid midterm grade. MR. LEWIS I don't like your tone, mister. DEACON Mom, Dad. I'm seventeen now. I'm driving. I've got a girlfriend. Well, actually, we broke up. But you guys treat me like a kid. Is it too much to ask for to be a normal teenager with a normal life? MRS. LEWIS You broke up with Ashley? DEACON No. Naomi. Look. I just want to have fun with my friends, okay?They look him over. Finally, MR. LEWIS Okay, then. Just make sure you don't repeat this performance on your finals. DEACON I won't.Relieved, he walks out into the Foyer. Max appears fromaround the corner with the tape. They walk together. DEACON (CONT'D) How much do you know? MAX Pretty much everything. Mr. Slam.Max hands him a piece of paper. MAX (CONT'D) These are my demands.He looks them over. DEACON Done. (beat) Did you know all along? MAX Are you kidding? Who do you think made the first pre-order? FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 113. Max hands him the tape and they shake hands. Deacon turns to Matt and Fred waiting in the foyer. They're relieved. CUT TO:118 FRED'S FACE 118 FRED I'm really nervous. DEACON puts his arm around his shoulders. DEACON My advice is to go slow. If you feel you're losing control, just try to relax. Don't worry. It's easier than it looks. PULL BACK to reveal we're in INT. DMV - DAY Fred is about to take his driving test. FLASH! Fred gets his picture taken.119 EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAY 119 Deacon drives the minivan home and pulls in next to the brand new convertible sports car. Deacon gets out, excited. MR. LEWIS What do you think? DEACON This is for me? MR. LEWIS Are you crazy? It's for me. You want a new car, you get an after school job. Deacon's Mom is wearing a sexy outfit and carries an overnight bag. She's beaming. MRS. LEWIS But we are letting you have the Aerostar. It may not be "cool," but it'll get you where you're going. DEACON Thanks, guys. Really. MRS. LEWIS We're going away for the weekend. Your father surprised me! FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 114. Deacon's parents KISS then pull out of the driveway.120 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 120 Deacon pulls the minivan into the parking lot. In the passenger seat is Fred. In the back seat are Matt, Max, and Max's three FRIENDS. They all get out and the freshmen scamper away. Matt is holding Deacon's driver's license. MATT It's not even in focus. This is really shoddy work. Deacon takes it back from him. MATT (CONT'D) So, guys. I decided I'm going to apply to NYU next year. The film school. FRED Too bad we burned the film. You could have submitted it as your sample. MATT Good idea, Balls. The guys start laughing. FRED So, I guess we all got what we deserved. No money, no power, no women. MATT Tony Montana would be pissed. Just then, Rachael spots them and walks over. DEACON Speak for yourself, guys. RACHAEL Hey, guys. Deacon. Deacon KISSES her. The other two guys are stunned.121 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 121 Deacon walks down the hallway with Matt and Fred, and holding Rachael's hand. The four of them run into Wendy and Kelly. WENDY Hey, guys. Hey, Deacon. I heard Naomi broke up with you. DEACON Yeah. But I think it worked out better this way.FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 115.Rachael smiles. WENDY Hey, Fred. I hear you know a thing or two about giving women pleasure.Fred freezes. He steels himself, trying to build up the nerveto say what he wants to say. Then, FRED No, I don't.She's disappointed. The whole gang hangs their heads. Then, FRED (CONT'D) Matt knows a thing or two about pleasuring women. I know everything.Fred smiles ear to ear. Wendy laughs, duly impressed. WENDY We should go out some time.Kelly looks at Matt seductively. KELLY Maybe all four of us could go out. MATT That could work, you know, depending on my schedule. WENDY Cool. So call me.They walk off just as Jake pushes Deacon from behind. JAKE Watch where you're going, sphincter boy.But he's dealing with a totally new and improved Deacon now. DEACON I thought I told you not to call me that anymore. JAKE What are you going to do about it? DEACON Some people never learn.Matt pulls out a funky remote control. He hits a button andall the monitors come on up and down the hallway. Studentsstop to look up at them. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 116.121A ON THE MONITORS 121A plays a specially edited version of the infamous first attempt at making the porno, aptly titled, "William H. Wall High School Presents: The Premature E-Jake-ulator." JAKE I've got a tiny pee-pee? I'm a premature e-jac-u-la-tor?121B HALLWAY 121B Jake is horrified. JAKE Stop it! Stop the video! MATT You probably shouldn't have mailed that tape back to us. The video starts repeating in continuous loop, but has been edited to sound like a rap song. JAKE (O.S.) Tiny pee-pee. Tiny pee-pee. E-jac-u-la- tor. E-jac, e-jac, e-jac-u-laaaaaaa-tor. Students point and laugh at him, while Deacon and the guys continue on down the hallway, dancing to the beat. Deacon kisses Rachael goodbye. DEACON You know, guys, I've been thinking about something. FRED What's that? DEACON About how making the movie didn't turn out to be so fun. I think I figured out why. They stop at their lockers. DEACON (CONT'D) Sex is like a comic book, still in the original wrapper. Once you open it up and read it, it loses its value. FRED Deep. FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 117. MATT I think he's got something there. Making that movie felt like we were tampering with forces we couldn't possibly understand. DEACON Exactly. The fun part about high school is unravelling the mystery of what's going to happen next. The guys smile and dial the combinations on their lockers. In the background, Jake is still on the ground crying. We TRACK through the hallway, outside...121C EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 121C ... where we see a large CAR TRANSPORT, with three hot new sports cars on it. Their license plates read "JOHNNY H," "SAM SLAM," and "BALLS." TRACK OVER to Mike, unloading the cars and Vic, standing there smiling. FADE OUT: END CREDITS FADE IN:122 INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 122 Deacon's parents are in bed. On the TV plays familiar sounding porno music on the hotel pay-per-view. MR. LEWIS Why do they always have to show the guy's face? MRS. LEWIS To make you think you can get girls as hot as her. It's a basic rule of porno. A long beat. MR. LEWIS Hey. Isn't that our basement? FADE OUT: THE END \ No newline at end of file