30 MINUTES OR LESS                                     Written by                       Michael Diliberti & Matthew Sullivan                                                                                          12-11-09          The following is very loosely based on some shit that actually          happened...                         OVER BLACK                                   We hear the roar of a V8 engine, piped out through some          throaty, fucked up muffler, as                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY                                   An '89 Mustang bursts like a shot over a rise in the highway.          It's got a rusted two-tone paint job, Maryland plates, and          bald tires that scream as it peels off an exit and into the                                   EXT. SUBURBS - DAY                                   The car fast approaches a stop sign, dangerously blows through          the intersection.                                   INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING                                   We don't see the DRIVER, only the redlining RPMs, Vans slip-          ons working the pedals, wristwatch being checked. The wheel          cranks right as the car turns onto a -                                   One way street. A minivan flies right at us. The Mustang          hops up onto the curb to avoid it, clips a trash can and -                                   Garbage explodes like confetti. The wipers engage, brushing          the trash aside. The car whips another turn and                                   EXT. SUBURBS - DAY                                   The Mustang fishtails around a corner and skids away.                                                   CUT TO:                                                  TIRES SCREECH                                   Brake pads smoke. The Mustang stops outside                                   EXT. HOUSE - DAY                                   The Driver jumps out of the car. As he rushes to the front          door, we see the urgent package he is delivering.                                   TWO LARGE PIZZAS                                   Before he can ring the bell, the door opens and two smug 15-          YEAR-OLDS stare out.                                                   15-YEAR-OLD           That's 34 minutes. You're 4 minutes           late. Pizza's free.                                   REVEAL our guy staring back at the kids. This is WILL (25),          probably good looking in another life.           2.                                   Right now, he is tired and unamused, wearing a red "Giorgio's          Trattoria" hat and a sweaty matching t-shirt.                                                   WILL           Gimme a break. You guys live two           towns away. It's pretty much fucking           impossible to get here in 30 minutes.                                                   OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD           Exactly. That's why we ordered from           your shitty "trattoria."                                                   WILL           This is gonna come out of my paycheck.           You sure you don't want to take the           moral high ground?                                                   OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD           We'd rather take the pizzas.                                   Will takes a calming breath. Hands over the pizzas.                                                   WILL           Ok. You guys are pretty smart. You           figured out a way to beat the system.                          (PEEKS INSIDE)           Got the house to yourselves?                                                   15-YEAR-OLD           That's right.                                                   WILL           Not bad. Any jailbait in there?           Little pizza and a rainbow party?                                   The kids shakes their heads.                                                   WILL           Seriously? Well, two hustlers like           yourselves gotta have the place           stocked with beer and whippits and           shit, right? Just call the girls up           and let them know the party's on.                                                   15-YEAR-OLD           Man, we don't have any of that stuff.                                   Will makes a show of mulling this over.                                                   WILL           I really shouldn't do this...but you           seem like a couple of good dudes.           I'll tell you what, you give me the           money that your mom left you for the           pizzas, and I'll grab you some beers.                          (MORE)           3.                                                   WILL (CONT'D)                          (BEAT)           But I get to keep the change as a           tip. Deal?                                   The kids look at each other. One hesitantly pulls out some          cash. Will snatches it and heads off.                                                   WILL           I'll see you in like 20 minutes.                                   The kids look uncertain. As if sensing this, Will stops          before getting into his ride.                                                   WILL           You boys like Budweiser, right?                                                   15-YEAR-OLD           Uh, yeah, totally.                                                   OTHER 15-YEAR-OLD           Love that shit!                                   INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING                                   The sun sets. Will cruises back into his own middle-class          town in suburban Maryland.                                   A six pack of Budweiser rests in the passenger seat.                                   Will stops at a light. Checks out a PRETTY YOUNG THING in          the Jeep beside him. She catches him looking, rolls her          eyes. The light turns and the Jeep skids away.                                   Will self consciously removes his "Giorgio's" cap.                                   INT. GIORGIO'S TRATTORIA - NIGHT                                   Will enters and nods at CHRISTOPHER (40s), the manager. His          balding head is nearly translucent from absorbing a day's          worth of pizza grease.                                                   WILL           Yo, Chris. Let me cash the fuck out.                                   Will hands over some cash to Christopher.                                                   CHRISTOPHER           You have a pretty good shift?                                                   WILL           For sure. I mean, the part where I           had to drop off all those pizzas           kinda sucked, but the rest was cool.           4.                                                   CHRISTOPHER           Oh, yeah? 'Cause, I got some kids           calling in saying you ripped them off.           Promised to buy them beer or something.                                                   WILL           I actually did buy the beer, but it           would have been illegal to give it           to them, right? So I'm gonna do the           responsible thing and drink it myself.                                                   CHRISTOPHER           That's real funny. But I'm trying           to run a business here.                                                   WILL           What kind of business promises to           deliver anywhere in 30 minutes?           It's ridiculous.                                                   CHRISTOPHER           I don't wanna hear another one of           your bullshit excuses. You're fired.                                                   WILL           Come on. If I didn't need this job,           I wouldn't be doing this shitty job.                                   Chris is unmoving.                                                   WILL           Fuck! Whatever!                                   Will storms off. As he gets to the door -                                                   CHRISTOPHER           You know, you were an okay driver           half the time. And you're not a Puerto           Rican. Which means something to me.                                                   WILL           That's poignant.                                                   CHRISTOPHER           I guess I could rehire you, on a           provisional basis. Of course, this           would be at the slightly reduced           "new company rate."                                                   WILL           Are you fucking serious?                                                   CHRISTOPHER           I don't know. Is there anyone else           left in town for you to work for?           5.                                   Will shakes his head. Swallows what's left of his pride.                          WILL           When do I start?          EXT. SMALL APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT          Will sits on the darkened front stoop. He tosses an empty          can into the bushes and gets to work on his fourth beer.          He looks over at a parked Hyundai Elantra. A YOUNG MAN sits          in the passenger seat with a pensive look on his face. He          makes a sudden, surprised gasp. The homely YOUNG WOMAN who          was just blowing him sits up from his lap and rearranges          herself in the driver seat. She leans over for a goodbye          kiss. The Young Man obliges with much fanfare.          The Young Man gets out and the car pulls away. This is CHET          (25), a clean cut guy dressed in the Gap Premium Collection.          He heads toward the building, high off his BJ, humming          Outkast's "Ms. Jackson." He stops when he notices Will in          the shadows.                          CHET           What the hell? Have you just been           sitting there?                          WILL           Yep. Caught the whole show. Really           classy move at the end. You know,           the kiss. Putting your tongue in           her mouth right after you fucked it.                          CHET           Hey, a nice girl decides to pleasure           me on a weeknight, in her car no           less...I'm not gonna make her feel           like an untouchable. I'm gonna make           her feel like a lady.                          WILL           What manners. May I offer you some           alcohol, sir. To wash the taste of           yourself out of your mouth.          Will offers his beer. Chet takes a slug, gurgles for effect.                                                   CHET           By the way, she said she had a friend.           Maybe we can go on our first double           date since you tried to talk Jackie           Fortunato and her cousin into having           a four-way with us.                                                   WILL           I misread their body language. It           happens.           6.                                   Will picks up some rented movies sitting beside him.                                                   WILL           Come on. Let's go inside, drink           your beer and watch shit get crazy.                          (FANS MOVIES)           Old favorites. You choose. Lethal           Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2...was gonna           get the third Lethal Weapon, but           decided on a porn. So it's really           between the first two.                                                   CHET           I choose sleep. I gotta teach a           class at eight.                                                   WILL           You're a sub. Just call in sick.           Like the real teacher did.                                                   CHET           Come on, man, you know I got promoted           to full-time last month. You bought           me a laser pointer.                                   Will heaves a sigh.                                                   WILL           Yeah, I know. I guess I'm just having           a hard time accepting you as "the           man." You know, flunking kids, giving           out spite detentions to girls you           wanna fuck, laser pointing at shit.                                                   CHET           I also get healthcare and my summers           off. It's not perfect, but it's a           career.                                   Will grudgingly stands up.                                                   WILL           I guess that's just the difference           between you and me.                                   He holds up the Lethal Weapon DVDs.                                                   WILL           I'm like Riggs. Cruising the streets.           No rules, no attachments. Every           other day some asshole is trying to           take my badge. You're fucking           Murtaugh. Always worried about your           pension. Well, guess what, it gets           old after the first movie.           7.                                                   CHET           I just got head. I'm totally Riggs.          Will shakes his head, turns and walks off.          INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY          Will wakes up, legs dangling over the edge of a tiny couch.          His TV is still on, displaying the menu screen from a porn.          Will looks down at his coffee table. Clears some magazines          to reveal a file folder. Flips the cover -          It's full of college applications, drafts of admissions essays,          a junior college transcript. Will thumbs through one of the          glossy applications. The kids look young. Very young.          Will glances over at a picture on his wall: he and Chet at          high school graduation, looking just as young. They have          their arms around a pretty girl squeezed between them. Will          and the girl look very high and very happy.          Will shuts the folder, slides it back under the coffee table          debris. He looks over at a clock: it is already 2:00 PM.                          WILL           Fuck.          INT. MUSTANG - DAY          Will jumps in and starts the engine. As he tucks his          "Giorgio's" cap onto his head, he catches his reflection in          the rear-view mirror.                                                   WILL           You asshole. You titanic asshole.           Come on down and get your prize.                                   He makes his fingers into a gun, puts it to his head...pulls          the trigger and                                   BOOM!                                                  WE'RE IN                                   EXT. OPEN FIELD - DAY                                   A watermelon explodes in a shower of red, juicy bits. Loud,          dumb laughter echoes.                                   Standing 20 yards away is DWAYNE (32), an intense, meaty guy          in a sleeveless Baltimore Ravens t-shirt. On his left bicep          is a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil flipping the bird.                                                   DWAYNE           Fruit motherfuckin' salad!           8.                                   Crouched beside him is JAY (27), tall and awkward, in a wool          surplus cap. He carefully rigs homemade explosives to another          watermelon, then looks up at Dwayne. His eyes are magnified          into saucers by his thick glasses. There's a peculiar          eagerness to please in them.                                                   JAY           This one's gonna blow even bigger.                                                   DWAYNE           Boy, if you weren't such a skinny           little bitch you coulda been in the           military or something.                                                   JAY           Whatever. I don't need the military.           I taught myself how to do this shit.                                                   DWAYNE           I hear that. I taught myself how to           eat pussy. And cut my own hair.                                   Jay jogs the watermelon a safe distance away. He returns          and pulls out a detonator. Dwayne snatches it.                                                   DWAYNE           This one's all me.           (makes "radio" sounds)           Mr. President, we have enemies at           the gate. Give me the order.           (more "radio" sounds)           Fuck that, sir. I don't negotiate           with terrorists!                                   Dwayne presses a button and                                   BOOM!                                   The explosion is so powerful that it sprinkles our guys'          smiling faces with fruit juice.                                   INT. KITCHEN, NICE HOUSE - DAY                                   Large and early-90s chic. Dwayne and Jay have the fridge          open, fixing themselves a cold cut plate. Dwayne is debating          the amount of meat on the plate...adds some more.                                                   DWAYNE           Wanna make sure I get enough calories.                                                   JAY           I thought you wanted to get diesel           for the summer. Bang that towel           girl at the community pool.           9.                                                   DWAYNE           It's obvious you don't know shit-all           about physical fitness. You gotta           bulk up first, then you slim down.           I'm clearly in the bulk up phase. I           told you to watch Pumping Iron like           a month ago. If you'd listened to           me, maybe you'd know what the fuck           I'm talking about.                          (BEAT)           Grab some RC Cola.                                   INT. LIVING ROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY                                   The shades are drawn. We hear a girl scream bloody murder!                                   The guys are watching FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3...in 3D. They          both wear cheap cardboard glasses.                                   Jay jumps back as Jason wields a 3D ax.                                                   JAY           Shit, man! It's so real!                                   Dwayne reaches out, "touching" the 3D images. He stands and          starts humping the air.                                                   DWAYNE           Check it out. I ain't afraid of           Jason. I'm fucking him.                          (THRUSTING HARDER)           You like that, Jason!? In the mask!                                   Jay cracks up. The lights flick on.                                    GRIZZLED VOICE (O.S.)           Who are you two fags fucking?                                   Standing by the switch is Dwayne's dad, JERRY (70s). Most          people just call him "THE MAJOR." The faded USMC tattoo on          his thick forearm explains why.                                                   JAY           Afternoon, Major.                                   Dwayne flops back onto the couch.                                                   DWAYNE           Dad, we're watching a flick. We got           45 minutes and a potential 3D sex           scene left. You're sorta coming in           at the worst possible moment.           10.                                                   MAJOR           I bought that TV set so I could watch           my programs, not so you and your           friend could louse up my couch.                                                   DWAYNE           You gotta learn how to share the           common space.                                                   MAJOR           The only thing common in this house           is you. You remind me of your damn           mother. Fat, dumb, and in my way.                                   The Major grabs Dwayne and pulls him up off the couch. He          gets right in his face...scary, intense. Dwayne turns to Jay.                                                   DWAYNE           Let's get outta here. This movie           sucks anyway.                                   Jay gets up and files out the door. Dwayne goes to take the          cold cut plate. The Major grabs his arm.                                                   MAJOR           I paid for the damn cold cuts, too.           Maybe if you had a job, or a fucking           prospect, or a clue how to find any           of the above, I'd let you eat 'em.                                                   DWAYNE                          (QUIETLY)           You know, you can be a real           sonofabitch, dad.                                                   MAJOR           That's what it takes, boy. In the           Corps, men like you wore dresses to           keep us entertained.                                                   DWAYNE           That's pretty fucking disturbing!                                   Dwayne storms off.                                   EXT. NICE HOUSE - DAY                                   Dwayne and Jay head out, passing a brand new pickup truck in          the driveway. Dwayne spits on it.                                                   DWAYNE           Fuck The Major!                                   The guys get in a shitty Ford Aerostar minivan and peel out.           11.                                   INT. DIVE STRIP CLUB - DAY                                   R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)" pumps.                                   Large, fake breasts, sparkling with cheap body glitter and          pierced at the nipples, shake before us. Their owner, JUICY          (27), a petite Latina, phones in a lap dance as Dwayne pours          his heart out to her.                                   Somewhere in the background, Jay hangs at the bar, all alone.                                                   DWAYNE           - and he thinks he knows me. He           don't know shit. I got ideas he           could never dream of. I got plans           bigger than his fucking house.                          (BEAT)           He didn't even raise me. My mother           did. That was a good woman.                                                   JUICY           Oh yeah? What happened to her?                                   Dwayne shifts, uncomfortably, at the sore subject.                                                   DWAYNE           She passed on.                                                   JUICY           I hope you're not one of those guys           that comes here looking to get           mothered.                                                   DWAYNE           I wouldn't mind nursing on them           titties, mamacita.                                                   JUICY           Sure. Whatever you say. Maybe just           keep quiet for a while, forget about           your old man and let me do my thing.                                                   DWAYNE           I wish I could forget about that           asshole for good. I'm just waiting           around for him to drop dead. Don't           wanna mess with my inheritance.                                   This piques Juicy's interest.                                                   JUICY           What kinda inheritance?           12.                                                   DWAYNE           When my dad got outta the service, he           started buying lotto tickets. He'd           play his dog tag numbers. In '91,           the fucker won five million bucks.          INSERT PHOTO: The Major holding a giant cardboard check.                          DWAYNE           He had some health problems a few           years back, and since then he's been           burning through the money like an           NBA draft pick. Probably only got a           million or two left. But it's mine           as soon as he kicks.          Behind inch-long fake eyelashes, Juicy's shrewd eyes narrow,          mind working. She straddles Dwayne, tightly.                          JUICY           You know, with a million bucks, you           could have anything. Be like a king.           (almost a moan)           King Dwayne.                          DWAYNE           That's right. And maybe I'll make           you my queen. Let you polish my           royal scepter.                          JUICY           Practice makes perfect.          Juicy pantomimes a long, slow chicken head. Dwayne is blissed          out. She smiles at him, sticky sweet.                          JUICY           Let me ask you a question...do you           really hate your daddy?                          DWAYNE           Hate him like the Steelers.                          JUICY           Then maybe I can help you get that           money now. Before he spends another           penny.                                   Dwayne looks confused. Juicy puts his hands on her breasts,          emboldening him.                                                   JUICY           I know a guy in Baltimore. He could           help you out. Probably do it for...           (sizing him up)           ...100Gs.           13.                                                   DWAYNE           Do what?                                   Juicy leans in, whispers softly in Dwayne's ear -                                                   JUICY           Kill your mean old dad.                                   On Dwayne's face as this new possibility pinballs around his          mind, setting off a flood of different emotions.                                                   JUICY           So, what do you think...you ready           for your crown?                                   INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING                                   Will has one pizza left in the back of his car. He pulls          over outside an office building.                                   INT. LAW FIRM, OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT                                   Rows of cubicles. Speckled with late night STRAGGLERS, bleary          eyes, too busy generating detailed lists of places they'd          rather be to notice the pizza boy walking along. Will stops          before one such work station, looks on for a beat.                                                   WILL           Rio?                                   KATE (25) turns from the glow of her computer screen. She          has short, messy hair and a sarcastic smile. This is the          girl from the picture in Will's apartment.                                                   KATE           That's the plan. Five days, six           nights. Culture. Beaches.           Acceptable probability of kidnapping.           I leave in the morning.                                   Kate looks back at her computer, logged onto an Expedia          checkout page for a Rio vacation. She moves the mouse pointer          from the "proceed" key...closes the window.                                                   KATE           This morning I loaded up an African           Safari and a cruise to Alaska.                                                   WILL           Oh, the places you'll go.                                                   KATE           Fuck Expedia. Travel Advisor. Making           it seem so easy.           14.                                                   WILL           It is. Just do it. Get away for a           while.                                                   KATE           Even if I could afford that...they           fired two other paralegals last week.           Now's not the time to be putting in           for vacation days.                                                   WILL           Ok. Done. I've got my dose of the           actual working world. Can we eat?                                   Will lays a pizza down on her desk.                                                   KATE           How do you keep sneaking up here           past the security guard?                                                   WILL           He's there like half the time. The           other half I smile at him. I'm           relatively certain he's a homosexual.                                                   KATE           Interesting theory...                                   Kate opens the pizza box, grabs a slice.                                                   KATE           Maybe I should set him up with Tom           Small. He came out to me today on           Facebook.                                                   WILL           That kid beat the hell out of me and           Chet in grammar school. Wow.                                                   KATE           Tell me about it. He fingered me at           junior prom while they were playing           "No Scrubs."                                                   WILL                          (WINCES)           Really? What a fucking scrub.                                   Will grabs a slice. They eat quietly for a beat.                                                   KATE           So, I've got some news...           15.                                                   WILL           I thought the Tom Small stuff was           enough of a headline, but go ahead.                                                   KATE           I'm getting back together with Mark.                                   Will's delicious pizza suddenly tastes like shit. He does          his best to swallow it down.                                                   WILL           But you...you broke up with           him...ended the relationship.           Finality was had.                                                   KATE           Yeah, but we were talking and -                                                   WILL           Forget it. I don't want to know.                                                   KATE           You sound like Chet.                                                   WILL           Woah, don't compare me to your           brother.                                                   KATE           Well, neither one of you seems to           care that I don't have a life. Mark's           not perfect...but a relationship is           better than working late every Friday           because I have nowhere else to be.                                                   WILL           Sure. I get it. Here we are. Friday           night. Nowhere to be.                                   Kate shoves Will, good-naturedly.                                                   KATE           You know what I mean.                                   Will shrugs, quietly devastated. Goes back to his pizza.                                   INT. SPORTS BAR - NIGHT                                   Most of the PATRONS are fixated on an Orioles game blaring          from a large flat-screen TV.                                   At a booth in back, Dwayne and Jay are in deep conversation.           16.                                                   JAY           I don't wanna stick my nose into a           family matter...but killing your old           man? That's pretty messed up...I           mean, unless you think it isn't.                                                   DWAYNE           What we have here is a classic "lesser           of two evils" debate. You got one           evil: me shaving a few years off The           Major's shitty life. Then you got           the other evil: The Major ruining my           entire awesome life by blowing through           my inheritance. Maybe I'm biased,           but mine sure as shit seems like the           lesser.                                                   JAY           I guess I...sorta see where you're           coming from. And you have been           waiting around forever for that money.           You deserve it, Dwayne.                                   Dwayne nods, seriously.                                                   DWAYNE           You know, there's a reason I sleep           'til noon everyday. And it ain't           'cause I'm lazy. It's on account of           me having so many goddamn dreams.           Big ones. And once that money's           mine, they're all gonna come true.                                   Dwayne takes a long sip of beer, contemplative.                                                   DWAYNE           Like I had this one dream last night.           I was cruising through town in a           Lamborghini Diablo. The wind was           blowing through my hair, ruffling my           open shirt. There was a hot little           piece of ass sitting next to me. And           in the back seat, Jay...was you.           Strapped. Wearing a pair of Oakleys.                                                   JAY           Wow. I didn't know you dreamt about           me, Dwayne.                                                   DWAYNE           It was only this once, Jay. To be           honest, I didn't know what to make           of it. So I consulted my dream book,           and found out it means this: you're           my road dog. You got my back.                          (MORE)           17.                                                   DWAYNE (CONT'D)           That's why I want to make you my           partner.                                                   JAY           In what?                                                   DWAYNE           In crime. And business. You see, it           ain't just about the inheritance money.           It's about what I'm gonna do with it.                                   Dwayne leans across the table.                                                   DWAYNE           I'm about to clue you in on something.           And then you'll understand the true           magnitude of what's at stake here.           Are you ready?                                                   JAY           Yes. I'm totally ready.                                                   DWAYNE           Then answer me this...what's this           town missing? I'll give you a hint.           It's a cash business, crawling with           sexy bitches.                                                   JAY                          (BEAT)           A Chinese food restaurant?                                                   DWAYNE           No. A tanning salon.                          (BEAT)           Think about it. All that green.           All that brown flesh.                                   Jay nods, thinking about. He smiles.                                                   DWAYNE           It's also the perfect front for a           prostitution ring.                                                   JAY           Yeah, of course. Because of the booths.                                                   DWAYNE           Yes. And because of the bitches.                          (BEAT)           It can all be ours. 30 percent for           you, 70 percent for me. You just           gotta help me out here.           18.                                   Jay looks conflicted. Dwayne goes dark, like a spurned lover.                                                   DWAYNE           I'm starting to wonder if my dream           book was wrong about you. Maybe you           sitting behind me doesn't mean you're           my road dog. Maybe it means you're           plotting to stab me in the back,           like some snake in the grass.                                                   JAY           That's crazy. I'd never do something           like that. The dream book was right!                                   Jay looks Dwayne in the eyes, knows it's all or nothing...                                                   JAY           Ok. I'll do it. But I'm not shooting           him or anything. I'll hold him while           you shoot him. That's it.                                   Dwayne chuckles.                                                   DWAYNE           Here's a fact: they don't build prisons           for criminals, they build them for           idiots. Shit, they got three different           types of CSI on TV, just laying out           how the police do their business...and           still, idiots like you think you can           just go out and do a murder yourself.                          (BEAT)           If you wanna be a millionaire, you           gotta think like one. And           millionaires don't kill people.           They hire assassins. Which I did.           We gotta pay him on Tuesday.                                                   JAY           What? Why would you do that?                                                   DWAYNE           I was presented with an opportunity.           I took it. 100 thousand bucks for a           highly trained assassin is a steal.                                                   JAY           But we don't have that kinda money.                                                   DWAYNE           Now we're addressing the real problem:           how do we get the 100 grand? 'Cause           once we get that, we get the million.                          (MORE)           19.                                                   DWAYNE (CONT'D)           And once we get the million, we will           literally own this town and every           single thing in it.                                                   JAY           I guess we could just...rob a bank.           One of these local banks with nothing           but a dipshit security guard.                                                   DWAYNE           Again, not quite thinking like a           millionaire.                                                   JAY           Okay, then let's hire someone to rob           a bank.                                   Dwayne thinks about this for a second.                                                   DWAYNE           Fuck hiring them, we could just force           someone to rob a bank for us. Like           with blackmail, or death threats, or -                                                   JAY                          (ALMOST INVOLUNTARILY)           A bomb. Everyone's scared of a bomb.                                                   DWAYNE           I was gonna say hypnotism...but I           like that. It's out of the fucking           box. We just strap one to some           motherfucker's chest, like we did to           those watermelons. Think you can           you build some kinda bomb vest?                                                   JAY           Yeah, I mean...camel jockeys do it           in caves. I got a garage workshop.                                                   DWAYNE           I'm pretty sure this is exactly how           a millionaire would do it. And the           beauty of it is: we don't lose any           sleep, 'cause no one gets hurt.                                                   JAY           Except The Major.                                                   DWAYNE           Yeah. The Major dies. But no one           gets hurt.                                   Dwayne smiles. But a nagging thought interrupts him -           20.                                                   DWAYNE           There's just one problem. Where do           we get our guy? 'Cause if we do a           kidnapping, then we're right back           where we started...doing shit that's           gonna get us caught.                          (MIND WORKING)           What we need is someone to come to           us...to a place where we can control           the situation. Someone without any           connection to us.                                   The guys stare at each other, stumped. Until something          catches Dwayne's attention...a local commercial playing on          the flat-screen. A PIZZA CHEF slides a pizza into a box -                                                   PIZZA CHEF                          (ON TV)           We'll deliver anywhere in 30 minutes           or less! Or your pizza is free!           Giorgio's Trattoria, where the           customer gets what they want...pronto!                                   The guys look at each other.                                                   DWAYNE           Sometimes fate just takes out its cock           and slaps you in the face with it.                                   INT. CHET'S APARTMENT - DAY                                   A hand grabs a beer from the fridge.                                    VOICE (O.S.)           You're not trying to draw a psycho           pension...you really are crazy!                                   Will heads into the living room with the beer. The voice          belongs to Danny Glover. The guys are watching Lethal Weapon.          Murtaugh (Danny Glover) has just stopped Riggs (Mel Gibson)          from killing himself. Riggs looks at him, crazily, before -                                                   RIGGS                          (ON TV)           I'm hungry. I'm gonna get something           to eat.                                   Chet looks over at Will. He is drunk, and in a dark mood.                                                   CHET           Maybe you should pace yourself.           It's noon on a Saturday.                                                   WILL           Fridge is full, man. We're all good.           21.                                   Will drains half his beer.                                                   WILL           Let me ask you a question. You           remember Tom Small?                                                   CHET           Yeah, he used to kick our asses.                                                   WILL           Turns out he was probably jerking           off to it afterwards. He's gay.                                                   CHET           I hope he chokes on a dick. I never           liked him.                                                   WILL           Your sister did. She let him finger           blast her. Big time.                                   Chet pauses the movie.                                                   CHET           What the fuck are you talking about?           I don't want that shit in my head.                                                   WILL           Sorry. Kate told me about it last           night. I thought you should know.                                                   CHET           You two were swapping stories about           getting fingered? That's pretty cute.                                   Chet chuckles. Will ignores him, sips his beer.                                                   WILL           The point I'm trying to make is this:           Tom Small was an asshole. He was           totally wrong for your sister. Just           like every other guy she's ever dated.           Right through to that Mark dude she's           gonna get back together with. Un-be-           fuck-me-lievable...                                                   CHET           Whatever. Why the fuck are we talking           about who my sister goes out with?                                   At a loss, Will shrugs. Chet turns back to the TV, presses          play. Lethal Weapon resumes. Something blows up. Chet          pauses the movie and stares at Will for a beat.           22.                                                   CHET          You sneaky son of a bitch...you want          to fuck my sister, don't you?                                                   WILL          Chet, I really don't...                                                   CHET          My twin sister!? Which is basically          like fucking me!                                                   WILL          Hey, if you guys had that twin ESP          shit this would be a completely          different situation. There'd be          logistical problems.                                                   CHET          We look exactly alike!                                                   WILL          You look like a lot of people. You're          a normal looking dude.                                                   CHET          This is so fucked up I can't even          begin to process it. How long has          this been going on?                                                   WILL          If I had to put my finger on          it...middle school-ish.                                                   CHET          So all those sleepovers, they were          just some kind of opportunity for          you to peek in Kate's bedroom?                                                   WILL          It might have happened a few times.          Most of them were accidental.                                                   CHET          You're a peeping Tom. You realize          that, don't you? You're a sexual          fucking deviant.                                                   WILL          Fuck you. I'm as normal as they          come. Your sister is attractive.          She excites me, in a sexual way.          Fucking sue me. Can't we just be          adults about it?           23.                                                   CHET           You? An adult? Sort of stretching           the term.                                                   WILL           Hey, let's not say shit we can't           take back.                                                   CHET           Take back? Will, you got kicked out           of junior college for punching a           professor that made fun of some poem           you wrote.                                                   WILL           That poem was about your sister!                                                   CHET           That is, literally, the saddest thing           I have ever heard. Like retards           playing freeze tag sad. No wonder           you deliver pizzas for a living.                                                   WILL           Fuck you! Maybe I was just hanging           out with you for your sister. You           were always a whiny little bitch.           And you stuttered. All the kids           used to call you "Chutter."                                                   CHET           Whatever. I only started hanging out           with you because you had a Nintendo.                                                   WILL           Did you see my Nintendo naked?           Because I saw your sister changing           into her swimsuit at your thirteenth           birthday pool party. And it was the           highlight of the whole shitty event.                                   Chet bites his lip.                                                   CHET           Okay. You wanna do this?                                                   WILL           I think we already are.                                                   CHET           Well, you know who I saw naked?           Jenny Rifkin. While I was nailing           her. The week after she dumped you.                          (MORE)           24.                                                   CHET (CONT'D)           Why do you think every time you wanna           bet on whose cock's bigger I'm always           willing to go in? 'Cause I know           mine's bigger. 'Cause she told me!                                                   WILL           Wow...wow. You pulled a Judas on Jenny           fucking Rifkin. That is messed up.           Almost as messed up as how I sold your           Cal Ripken signed ball for 200 bucks.                                                   CHET           My grandpa left me that ball in his           will! You helped me look for it for           a month!                                                   WILL           Now you know why we never found it.                                   Will bows.                                                   WILL           We done here?                                   Chet's face is red with anger.                                                   CHET           Not quite yet. There's actually a           mystery I wanna solve for you.                          (BEAT)           I was the one who told John Tanner           about how your mom fucked that           lifeguard. And I always felt awful           about it, because even though he           swore secrecy, he told everyone else           in town. And then your parents wound           up getting divorced. But now...I           don't give a shit.                                                   WILL           What!? You ruined...my fucking life!                                   Will takes a swing at Chet. He dodges it and puts Will in          some sort of choke hold.                                                   CHET           Krav Maga, bitch. I bet your poetry           professor didn't know this shit.                                                   WILL           Get offa me!                                                   CHET           You threw the first punch!           25.                                                   WILL           I'm gonna break this hold and then           kick your skinny ass!                                                   CHET           Try it!                                   Will flexes and tries to break the choke hold...no luck. He          wrenches his back away from Chet and screams -                                                   WILL           What the fuck is that!?                                                   CHET           My knuckle in your spine! No holds           barred you backstabbing fuck!                                                   WILL           I'm gonna pass out...                                                   CHET           Good!                                                   WILL           (face bright red)           I love her, Chet...I love Kate...                                   Chet lets Will go. He drops to the floor, panting.                                                   CHET           Let me tell you something. And it's           the truest thing you'll ever hear,           from the person who knows you best           in the world...you're not good enough           for my sister. And you never will           be. You're the lowest common           denominator, Will. You're the square           root of fucking zero.                                   Will gets to his feet.                                                   WILL           Fuck you...Chutter!                          (GRABS DICK)           Square this!                                                   CHET           Get out of my house. You're a shitty           friend.                                                   WILL           Right back at you.                                   Will storms out.           26.                                   EXT. CHET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY                                   Will screeches away in his car.                                   INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT                                   A day or so has passed. Will sits on his couch, an unshaven          mess, watching Lethal Weapon 2. Murtaugh and Riggs laugh          and joke around. Best buds.                                   Will looks like he might cry. He goes for his beer, knocks          it over. He stares at the growing puddle of beer...then          grabs the folder with his college applications and uses them          to sop it up.                                   INT. GIORGIO'S TRATTORIA - NIGHT                                   Will sits at a table, looking out through the misty window.                                   Christopher boxes a pizza and drops it in front of him.                                                   CHRISTOPHER           Come on, wake up and get to work.                                   Christopher hands him the order slip. Will checks the address.                                                   WILL           Where the fuck is this?                                                   CHRISTOPHER           How should I know? It's 30 minutes           away or the pizza comes out of your           paycheck. Tick tock.                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                   Will's Mustang travels down a dark, empty stretch of highway.          The lone working taillight fades as the car disappears into          the distance.                                   EXT. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                   The Mustang stops at the mouth of a driveway. Overgrown          shrubbery blocks anything beyond it from view. All that          Will can see is a red and white radio tower jutting into the          sky, beacon light flashing atop it.                                   Will checks the address, then drives through the open gate.                                   EXT. RADIO TOWER - NIGHT                                   The Mustang parks at the end of the driveway. Will gets out.                                   There is a large storage shed and, across a clearing, a radio          tower built on top of a small office structure.           27.                                   The office door is ajar. Florescent light glows from inside.                                                   WILL           Hello?                                    DWAYNE (O.S.)           (calling back from beyond door)           Hey, bud! Sorry for the hike! The           county's got us doing repairs at the           ass end of the night!                                   This puts Will at ease. He heads toward the office. As he          gets close, a figure appears in the doorway. It is Dwayne                                   WEARING A SCARY FUCKING GORILLA MASK                                                   WILL           What the -                                   Will hears something behind him and whirls around -                                   To find Jay, also in a gorilla mask, charging at him.                                                   WILL           Holy fuck!                                   Will makes a run for it. But the guys are on top of him in          no time. He madly fights them off and dashes for his car.                                                   DWAYNE           Stop! We got a gun, you asshole!                                   Will breaks toward the cover of the shrubbery.                                                   DWAYNE           Fuck! Get him!                                   Jay is right on Will's tail. Without breaking stride, Jay          picks up a large branch and wings it at him.                                   Will is hit in the legs and stumbles over himself. Jay leaps          on top of him and locks his skinny legs around Will's body.                                                   WILL           What the hell!?           (at a loss)           Rape!                                   Jay wrestles something from his pocket. A chloroform soaked          rag. He presses it hard against Will's mouth and nose.          Will soon goes limp.                                   Dwayne appears, looming above them. He pulls his gorilla          mask back and smiles.           28.                                                   DWAYNE           Step one.                                                   CUT TO:                                   Blurry vision coming into focus. Two gorillas.                                   EXT. RADIO TOWER - DAY                                   Whereas the masks looked scary at night, they look ridiculous          now. Will is propped up on the hood of his car, staring at          his captors. His mouth is duct taped, hands bound behind his          back. He wears his "Giorgio's" cap and a buttoned up olive          green Army jacket.                                                   DWAYNE           You thought we were gonna rape you.                          (CHUCKLES)           Idiot.                                   Will mumbles something through the duct tape.                                                   DWAYNE           Just shut up. The tape is there for           a reason. 'Cause this next part is           gonna take a measure of calm. Are           you with me? Can you be calm?                                   Will nods. Dwayne holds up his driver license.                                                   DWAYNE           Will Dixon, of 112 North Whatever-           The-Fuck Street, right now you are           wearing an explosive vest.                                   Will looks down at the jacket he is wearing, tries to get          his hands loose so he can tear it open.                                                   DWAYNE           Calm the fuck down!                                   Will stiffens. For emphasis, Dwayne reveals the gun tucked          down the front of his pants like a big metal cock.                                                   DWAYNE           Now stay still and my associate will           show you.                                   Jay carefully unbuttons the Army jacket. Will is, in fact,          wearing an explosive vest. It is a cobbled together but          intimidating looking contraption, crisscrossed by multicolored          wires. There is a thick lock at the hinge, with a digital          display and a keypad.                                   Will begins to hyperventilate.           29.                                                   JAY           Take it easy, man. You're fine. I           built this thing. It's pretty stable.                                                   DWAYNE           For a fucking bomb. So don't trip           over your shoelaces or anything.           That thing's full of C-4. And the C           is for chaos.                                                   JAY           Actually, the C stands for "composite."           But, yeah, I'd try not to slam into           stuff.                                                   DWAYNE           Can I take that tape off now, pizza boy?                                   Will nods. Dwayne rips the duct tape off his mouth.                                                   WILL           Help!                                   Dwayne chuckles.                                                   DWAYNE           You know where you are? You might           as well be in space, motherfucker.           Nobody can hear you scream.                                                   WILL           Why are you doing this to me? I           don't have any money.                                                   DWAYNE           Not yet. But you're gonna go get us           some.                                                   WILL           Okay. Sure, man. Whatever you say.           I'll go sell my car. I'll get you           like a thousand bucks.                                                   DWAYNE           I want 100 thousand.                                                   WILL           Where the fuck am I supposed to get           that much money?                                                   DWAYNE           The Donner-Wells National Bank on           Charles Road.           30.                                                   JAY           Across the street from the Olive           Garden.                                                   DWAYNE           Yeah, the one across the street from           the Olive Garden.                                                   WILL           Do you guys have an account or           something?                                   Dwayne shakes his head like Will is an idiot.                                                   DWAYNE           No, I don't have an account! You're           gonna rob it!                                                   WILL           How the fuck am I supposed to rob a           bank?                                                   DWAYNE           Figure it out. You got a bomb strapped           to your chest. That's a start. It'll           scare the fuck outta people. Maybe           use your brain and go get a gun.           Borrow one from a friend for all I           care. It ain't rocket science.                                                   WILL           Then do it yourself.                                                   DWAYNE           I would, but I'm already wearing           this gorilla mask and you're already           wearing that bomb.                          (TO JAY)           Tell him about the vest.                                   Jay turns to Will.                                                   JAY           You seem like a pretty trustworthy           guy. I mean, you got a job and all.           But just in case you were gonna try           to take the vest off, we booby trapped           it to shit. There's also a remote           detonator on the back, so we can           trigger it by dialing a number.                                                   DWAYNE           And it's on speed dial. So do what           you gotta do, but we'll be watching.                          (MORE)           31.                                                   DWAYNE (CONT'D)           You go anywhere near a police station,           and Fourth of July comes early this           year.                                   Dwayne nods at the timer on the side of the vest.                                                   DWAYNE           It's 9:00 AM. You got 8 hours.                                   He hands Will a slip of paper.                                                   DWAYNE           Once you have the money, call this           number and you'll be given instructions           on where to drop it. You do good, we           give you the six-digit combination           that stops the timer and opens the           lock. Tomorrow morning, you can go           back to delivering pizza, the mail,           whatever the fuck you want.                          (BEAT)           Now let me demonstrate what happens           if you don't get us the money.                                   Dwayne looks over to where an oversized stuffed bear, rigged          with its own bomb vest, sits on a tree stump 20 yards away.          Dwayne mimes answering a phone -                                                   DWAYNE           Hey, Teddy Ruxpin...what's that?           You don't have the money? It was           too tough to rob the bank, so you           just went back to your bear cave and           cried like a bitch? Well, guess           what my stuffed friend...time is up.                                   Jay pushes a button on a detonator. Teddy Ruxpin explodes.          All that remains is a cloud of stuffing.                                   Will is frozen in fear.                                                   DWAYNE           I liked that bear. I don't even           know you.                                   Dwayne throws Will his car keys.                                                   DWAYNE           Go on. Get outta here.                                                   WILL           Guys, can we please just talk about           this?           32.                                                   DWAYNE           Yeah, of course we can.                                   Dwayne pulls out the gun and fires two shots at Will's feet.          Jay jumps backward, as does Will, who hits the hood of his          car, slides across it and onto the ground by the driver side.                                                   DWAYNE           Be careful!                                   Will awkwardly gets to his feet and arranges himself in the          car, adjusting to the weight of the bomb. As he starts the          engine and backs away -                                                   DWAYNE           That's right! Get the fuck out of           here! You're wasting time!                                   Once the car is gone, Jay yanks off his gorilla mask. Dwayne          stays primate.                                                   JAY           What the hell, Dwayne? You told me           that was a replica gun.                                                   DWAYNE           It was. Then I paid a Mexican 50           bucks to put a firing pin in it.           Now it goes boom.                                                   JAY           We didn't discuss a loaded gun!           Especially not with the bomb around!                                   Dwayne gets right in Jay's face. The plastic eyes of his          mask betray no emotion.                                                   DWAYNE           Don't you ever question me. I'm           fucking this bitch. You're just           holding the camera.                                                   JAY                          (VOICE FALTERS)           Sure, Dwayne...whatever you say.                                                   DWAYNE           Good. 'Cause this ain't the Marines.           This is cash money. You hesitate, you           fuck up...and I will leave you behind.                                   A tense beat. Dwayne pulls his mask off. He looks oddly calm.                                                   DWAYNE           Let's go get some breakfast.           33.                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY                                   Will's car flies down the road. It screeches to a stop,          tires smoking. Will jumps out, stumbles to the shoulder and          pukes. He drops to his knees.                                                   WILL           Oh, god! Holy shit! Fuck me!           Someone please fucking help me!                                   Nothing but the wind.                                   Will fights back tears. He gets to his feet, wipes his mouth.          He takes out his cell phone, scrolls through the contacts.          He pauses on Chet's name...presses send.                                   The line goes to voicemail. Will looks at the bomb's timer:          7 hours, 47 minutes and counting. He hurries to his car.                                   INT. CLASSROOM, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY                                   A laser dot dances around the middle of a United States map.                                   Chet is teaching a history lesson to a bunch of SEVENTH          GRADERS that look very mature and very bored. As he indicates          with his laser pointer -                                                   CHET           This whole region here, about 830           thousand square miles, was part of           the initial Louisiana Purchase.                                                   SEVENTH GRADER                          (COUGHING)           Nice laser.                                   The class giggles. Chet, embarrassed, puts away the pointer.                                   There is a knock at the door. Chet turns to see Will's face          in the door's window pane. He looks back to his class.                                                   CHET           Take out your workbooks. Chapter 3.                                   Chet opens the door.                                                   CHET           What do you want?                                                   WILL           We gotta talk.                                                   CHET           I'm working here. Do not mess with           me at work.           34.                                                   WILL           Chet, for the love of god, just talk           to me in private for one minute.                                   Chet sighs.                                   INT. HALLWAY, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY                                   Chet leads a jumpy Will into                                   INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY                                   Chet shuts the door behind them. Will paces.                                                   CHET           You wanna apologize, don't you? You           look like shit. You've probably           been up for days thinking about what           an asshole you were. Well, it's           gonna take a lot more than some           pathetic groveling -                                                   WILL                          (SUDDENLY)           Chet! Shut up! I don't wanna           apologize to you!                                                   CHET           Then what do you want? Because we           don't have anything left to say to           each other.                                   Will swallows hard.                                                   WILL           Here goes. And this is gonna sound           crazy. Because it is fucking crazy.           But last night two guys in masks           jumped me and strapped a bomb to my           chest, and now I have less than eight           hours to rob a bank.                                   Chet just stares at Will, unimpressed.                                                   CHET           You're hysterical. Got me. Great           joke. I'm going back to work now.                                   Will steps in Chet's way. He unbuttons his jacket, revealing          the bomb.                                                   CHET           What the fuck? Is that real?                                   Will nods.           35.                                   Chet jumps backward, stumbles over a desk and scurries on          his ass to the other end of the classroom. He presses himself          flat against the wall.                                                   CHET           Stay away from me! What the fuck           are you involved in!? Terrorism!?                                                   WILL           Chet, do you really think I'm a           terrorist?                                                   CHET           Yes! One of the dumb ones! The           ones they convince to wear the bombs!                                                   WILL           I am not fucking around here. Two           guys did this to me. And if I don't           rob that bank in time this thing is           gonna blow.                                                   CHET           Seriously?                                                   WILL           Seriously.                                                   CHET           And your first idea was to come to a           school filled with young children?                                                   WILL           I didn't -                                                   CHET           Just back the fuck away from me with           that thing.                                   Will backs all the way up, so that the guys are on opposite          ends of the classroom.                                                   WILL           Listen, I think the vest is safe for           now. These guys don't want me to           blow myself up on accident before I           get their money.                                                   CHET           Oh, so you figure the two psychopaths           that rigged a bomb to your chest           made sure it was safe? There's no           margin for error in their fucking           bomb vest design!?           36.                                                   WILL           I don't know! All I do know is that           this is real. This is happening.           And I'm sure you hate me as much as           I hate you right now, but I have           nowhere else to go.                                                   CHET           For what?                                                   WILL           For help, Chet. I need your help.           Please. I can't do this alone.                                   Chet looks Will over. His desperation is palpable. Chet          bites his lip, weighing the situation...                                                   CHET           Damn it!           (takes a breath)           I'd like to tell you to get fucked,           but you know what the problem is...I'm           a better man than you. And someday,           I might actually forgive you. So if           I let you blow up, or whatever, that           shit might come back and eat at my           conscience, and totally affect my           relationships with other people.           Like my wife and kids and shit.                                                   WILL           That's a...very rational way to look           at the situation.                          (GENUINELY)           And you're right, about being a better           guy than me.                                   Chet takes a step toward Will.                                                   CHET           Are you sure that thing isn't gonna           blow at any second?                                   Will just looks at Chet...unable to offer any assurance.          After a beat -                                                   CHET           Could you just walk a few feet in           front of me for a while?                                                   WILL           I can do that.                                   Will opens the door, stops, looks back at Chet.           37.                                                   WILL           Thank you.                                   Will heads out. Chet takes a breath, bracing himself.                                   INT. HALLWAY, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY                                   Will walks down the empty hallway. He glances back over his          shoulder, where Chet walks several feet behind him.                                                   CHET           Yes, I'm still here. I really am           this stupid. Just pay attention to           where you're going.                                                   WILL           I think I can handle it.                                                   CHET           These floors get waxed once a week.           On Tuesday, which today is. You hit           a slick patch, trip and fall, and I           got a classroom full of kids wearing           their skin inside out.                                                   WILL           Chet, I'm fucking nervous enough as           it is. Please. I don't need you           back seat driving me right now.                                                   CHET           Obviously.                                   Will stops, turns back toward Chet.                                                   WILL           Just for the record, this isn't a           nuclear weapon strapped to my chest.           And there are metal lockers on either           side of the hallway. If I fall, and           if this thing goes off, I'm probably           not taking out the whole school.                                                   CHET           Do you really want to debate this?                                   Will sighs, turns back around. A second later, the school          bell rings and kids flood the hallway, changing classes.                                   Will freezes. Multiple kids shove past him. Chet sweats          bullets, gives Will a look of death.                                   After a beat, the hallway empties again.           38.                                                   CHET           You're an asshole.                                                   WILL           Whatever. It's over.                                   Will continues walking. He tries to lighten the mood -                                                   WILL           Who was the chick in the white jeans?                                                   CHET           Kristi Evans. Why?                                                   WILL           You know why.                                                   CHET           Oh, come on. Just keep walking.                                   The guys' voices fade as they continue down the hallway...                                                   WILL           Come on yourself. You knew exactly           who I was talking about.                                                   CHET           Fuck you. She's in the eighth grade.                                                   WILL           I bet you love it when she calls you           Mr. Chet.                                                   CHET           She doesn't call me "Mr. Chet."           She's not a foreigner.                                   EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY                                   The guys get to Will's car. Chet wraps up a call on his cell -                                                   CHET           ...thanks so much, Mrs. Davis. I'll           call you after I talk to the doctor.                                   Chet hangs up. He is standing by the passenger door. He          looks over the roof of the car at Will.                                                   CHET           So, this is it?                                                   WILL           This is what?           39.                                                   CHET           Once I step inside this car, I'm           basically in a steel coffin with you           and...that thing. And if it goes           off, all they're gonna find in there           are two charred bodies and pieces of           a bomb. They'll assume we were driving           to a government building to blow it           up. It'll be all over the news.           Next thing you now, some militia or           Islam group is claiming us as members.           My family will be humiliated.                                                   WILL           We'll also be dead, in that particular           situation, so it won't really matter.                                                   CHET           Exactly!                                   Will sighs.                                                   WILL           I get it. Take your time, man.                                   Will gets in the car and shuts the door. He looks out at          Chet, who stands uncertainly by the passenger side.                                                   CHET           This is the world's biggest favor,           you motherfucker. You didn't even           help me move last winter.                                   Chet reluctantly hops in.                                   INT. MUSTANG - DAY                                   Will fires up the engine.                                                   CHET           Given the situation, I think you           should obey all traffic safety laws.                                                   WILL           Fine.                                   Will pulls out of the school parking lot.                                                   WILL           Okay, so where are we going?                                                   CHET           I have no idea. I just got in your           car. I thought you had a plan.           40.                                                   WILL           Well, I don't! I've been sorta           preoccupied with this crushing fear           of death!                                                   CHET           No plan. I can't say I'm surprised.                                                   WILL           Your plan is probably better. Just           condescend me until I explode.                                   Will goes to turn on the radio. Chet grabs his hand.                                                   CHET           Maybe we should turn on the radio.           See if the signal sets the bomb off.           That would be an interesting experiment.                                   Will heaves a frustrated sigh. Chet eases up.                                                   CHET           Listen, let's just go back to my           place. Figure out our options.           Maybe you can get the vest off or           something. I just don't want to do           anything stupid.                                                   WILL           Unless we have to.                                   The car hits a rough pothole. Chet's heart skips a beat -                                                   CHET           Holy fucking shit!                                   - and he throws himself against the passenger side window,          as far from Will as the confines of the car will allow.                                   Will slams the brakes.                                                   WILL           Stop it! You're scaring the fuck           out of me!                                                   CHET           Okay. Okay. Fuck!                                   Chet makes the sign of the cross.                                                   CHET           I'm cool now.                                   Will continues driving. Chet discreetly unlocks the passenger          side door.           41.                                                   WILL           Why did you do that?                                                   CHET           Do what?                                                   WILL           I saw you.                                                   CHET           It's in case I have to jump out.                                                   WILL           If I survive the day, and you don't           because you jumped out of a moving           car and broke your neck, I'm gonna           laugh my ass off.                                                   CHET           And if abandoning ship saves my life,           then that laugh will be mine.                                   The guys continue driving in silence.                                   SUPER COUNTDOWN: 6 hours, 59 minutes...                                                   CUT TO:                                   INT. BATHROOM, CHET'S APARTMENT - DAY                                   The door is shut. Will sits on the toilet lid. He has the          jacket off and we get our first complete look at the vest.          The actual structure is composed of hollow metal tubes. The          wiring that runs throughout the vest is messy and complicated,          purposely so, to scare anyone out of fucking with it.                                   Will is in the process of trying to contort his arm so he          can slide the vest off...no luck.                                                   WILL           It's too tight!                                   He is calling off toward the                                                  KITCHEN                                   Where Chet is crouched in a corner, at the furthest point in          the furthest room from the bathroom. He uses his laptop to          look for websites on disarming a bomb.                                                   CHET           What if we try to separate your           shoulder?           42.                                    WILL (O.S.)           Fuck you!                                                   CHET           Well, all these sites say different           shit. There's not a lot of consensus           in the bomb disarming community.                                   Will emerges from the bathroom, sliding the jacket back on.                                                   WILL           This is pointless.                                   Chet shuts his laptop.                                                   CHET           I agree. We gotta call the cops,           have them fly in the bomb squad or           something.                                                   WILL           We can't. These guys said they'd be           following me. And I don't have a           clue what they look like. For all I           know, they're outside right now.           They see the cops show up, they blow           the vest and cut their losses.                                   Will stares at Chet, hopelessly overwhelmed.                                                   WILL           What do I do, man? What do I do now?                                                   CHET           I don't know, Will...I guess you           gotta rob the bank.                                                   WILL           I haven't been inside a bank in three           years! How the fuck am I supposed           to rob one!? They wouldn't even           give me a savings account!                                   Will drops onto the couch and puts his head in his hands,          fighting hysterics. Chet offers a stock reassurance -                                                   CHET           It's gonna be okay.                                                   WILL           No, it's not! I'm gonna blow up!           That's way worse than getting stabbed           or shot. At least some people survive           that. No one survives being blown           up.                          (MORE)           43.                                                   WILL (CONT'D)           No one is ever like, "Yeah, I heard           Steve got blown up, tough break, but           how's he doing now? Is he still in           the Rec basketball league?" No of           course he isn't, 'cause there's nothing           left of Steve except a stain on the           wall and a pair of fucking high tops!                                   Chet looks on as his friend begins to sob. It's a crushing          sight. Chet strides across the apartment -                                                   CHET           Pull yourself together!                                   - and attempts to give him one of those "get a grip" slaps.          But Will flinches and Chet slaps him right on the ear.                                                   WILL           Ow! Fuck! I think you popped my           eardrum.                                                   CHET           Sorry. Shit. I didn't mean to do           that. But just listen to me now.           You're not gonna die. You wanna           know why? Because you know exactly           how to rob a bank.                                                   WILL           What are you talking about?                                                   CHET           Point Break.                                                   WILL           The movie?                                                   CHET           Yes. That movie is like a how-to           guide for bank robberies. You just           bust in. Masks. Guns. Move fast.           Stick to the tellers and don't bother           with the vault.                                                   WILL           Yeah...I guess it's pretty simple,           right? And it's just a local bank.           The Donner-Wells on Charles Road.                                                   CHET           Really? I applied for a job there           like a year ago.           44.                                                   WILL           You wanted to be a teller?                                                   CHET           Yeah, so what? It's a good job.           You get benefits.                                                   WILL           Like what, a name tag?                                                   CHET           What kind of benefits do you get?           Free toppings?                                                   WILL           That's really clever. No one ever           said that shit to me before. Anyway,           this is perfect. You know the whole           layout of the bank.                                                   CHET           Not exactly. They didn't hand me           the security schematics with the           application. But I sat in the waiting           area for like 20 minutes. I know           what the place looks like.                                                   WILL           How many guards?                                                   CHET           One. I think.                                                   WILL           That's a start.                                                   CHET           It's a great start. You can do it.                                   Will pauses.                                                   WILL           You're gonna do it with me, right?                                                   CHET           I was actually gonna stick to giving           tips, ideas...motivational speeches.           More of a consultant or advisory role.                                                   WILL           Jesus Christ, Chet. Please. I'm           begging you here. I need you on           this. If I do it alone, I'm dead.           45.                                                   CHET           Are you gonna cry again?                                                   WILL           That was a moment of weakness.                          (BEAT)           Yes. I'll fucking cry again if that's           what it takes.                                                   CHET           I should make you blow me.                                                   WILL           Sure. Whip that shit out. I'm           actually kinda curious. I wanna see           if Jenny Rifkin lied to you. She           obviously lied to me.                                   Chet cracks a smile.                                                   WILL           All these guys want is 100 grand.           We can do this.                                                   CHET           We're gonna rob a bank for 100 grand?           Just leave the rest of the money           sitting there? Why?                                                   WILL           I don't know. I guess they're very           modest criminals. Who the fuck cares?           Wait...you said "we" right?                                   Chet heaves a sigh.                                                   CHET           I'm putting my life on the line for           100 grand...what does 100 grand even           buy these days?                                                   CUT TO:                                   THE GRILLE OF A MURDERED OUT 1997 NISSAN SENTRA                                   As the car pulls into                                   EXT. BACK PARKING LOT, DIVE STRIP CLUB - DAY                                   Where Juicy waits by the service entrance, smoking a          cigarette. She spots the car and runs over. It parks and          the door opens. A glassy-eyed African-American man (30s)          steps out. His muscled body is covered in calligraphic prison          ink. This is VAUGHN.           46.                                   Juicy throws her arms around him.                                                   JUICY           I missed you so much, baby.                                                   VAUGHN           You don't got enough dicks to keep           you warm in that place?                                                   JUICY           You know it's not like that. Those           guys get Juicy, but you get Marisol.                                                   VAUGHN           Well, Marisol...what I want is to           get my money, kill that old ass man,           then get the fuck out of here.                                                   JUICY           Then that's how it's gonna go. We're           just waiting on a call.                                   Vaughn stares at her.                                                   VAUGHN           This is my impatient face.                                                   JUICY           Well, I think I can keep you           entertained.                                   Juicy gets in the open driver side door and makes a show of          crawling over into the passenger seat.                                   INT. WALMART - DAY                                   Fluorescent lights and pop music. Will and Chet roam the          aisles with a full shopping basket. They turn into the          "Sports & Fitness" section, where they find a variety of air          pistols. They are incredibly realistic, though clear and          with orange nozzles.                                                   WILL           Should we go with the handguns...or           the Uzis?                                                   CHET           Handguns.                                                   WILL           That's such a Murtaugh choice.                                                   CUT TO:           47.                                   A check out conveyor belt, as the guys' purchases drift past:          air pistols, spray paint, ski masks, leather gloves, several          5-Hour Energy drinks.                                   The tough REGISTER WOMAN looks at the guys with abject disgust.                                                   REGISTER WOMAN           You sure you don't want to grab some           condoms?                                                   WILL           Uh, no. Why?                                                   REGISTER WOMAN           Because this is usually what men buy           before they rape someone, and I want           to make sure you all use protection.                                                   WILL           Lady, we're just...buying some stuff.                                                   REGISTER WOMAN           Is that cash or credit for your rape           kit?                                   Will looks in his empty wallet, takes out a credit card.          Chet grabs his hand.                                                   CHET           We'll pay cash.                                   INT. MINIVAN - DAY                                   The van is parked. Dwayne sits behind the wheel. Metallica's          "Ride the Lightning" begins to play loudly.                                                   DWAYNE           You really fucked up this mix tape.                                   Dwayne ejects the tape, tosses it at Jay in the passenger seat.                                                   DWAYNE           We're not speed freaks knocking off           a 7-Eleven. We're masterminding a           heist here.                                                   JAY           Sorry, Dwayne. That song just means           a lot to me.                                   Dwayne shakes his head. He turns and looks out the windshield:          they're parked in the Walmart lot, watching the store entrance.                                                   DWAYNE           I wish he would hurry his shit up.           48.                                                   JAY           You worried about that other guy           he's with?                                                   DWAYNE           No, man. He picked him up at a           school. So long as there ain't any           cops, he can take the whole town           with him. I just want my money.                                   Dwayne surveys the area. Something catches his attention:          the bland strip mall across the street. There's a Blockbuster,          Subway, and an empty space in between. Dwayne smiles.                                                   JAY           What? You want me to run over to           Subway, get us a couple sandwiches?                                                   DWAYNE           If you had any vision, Jay, you'd           know exactly what I'm thinking about           right now. And it's not a sandwich.                          (BEAT)           Look how well trafficked that shopping           mall is. It's the perfect place for           the tanning salon.                                   Jay checks it out, nods.                                                   JAY           Oh, you're totally right.                                                   DWAYNE           I've been thinking about it, and I           want you to start off working the           counter. Sounds like a demotion, I           know, but it's an important position.           Because we're gonna be using code           words and shit. For example, if a           customer walks in and says he wants a           tan, that just means he wants a tan.           But if he says he wants a "deluxe           tan," that means a blow job and you           gotta get one of the girls in there           to suck him off. You with me?                                                   JAY           So far. But what if he wants a fuck?                                                   DWAYNE           There's gonna be codes for everything:           missionary, anal, black chicks. I           got it all written down back home in           my files.                          (MORE)           49.                                                   DWAYNE (CONT'D)           I'm not gonna bother getting into it           with you right now, because you're           supposed to be on lookout and you're           no good at multitasking.                                                   JAY           Okay. 'Cause they're about to get           away.                                   Dwayne spots the Mustang pulling away.                                                   DWAYNE           Fuck.                                   He throws the van into gear.                                   INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING                                   Will navigates the streets. Chet is in the back seat, where          he has newspaper spread out and is spray painting the air          pistols, and much of the car, black.                                                   WILL           Be careful, you're getting paint           everywhere.                                                   CHET           Are you really worried about your           upholstery right now?                                                   WILL           Yes, because if I survive this shit           I'm quitting my job. That means           I'll probably have to give up my           place and I'll be sleeping in the           back of my car, which you're covering           in toxic paint.                                   Chet touches up one of the guns, goes to flip it over.                                                   WILL           That side isn't dry yet. You're           about to ruin it.                                                   CHET           It says it's fast drying.                                                   WILL           Fast isn't the same as instant. You           gotta let it sit for like 20 minutes.                                                   CHET           How would you know? You do a lot of           graffiti?           50.                                                   WILL           No, but I spray painted my bike last           year after I got my license suspended.           I didn't let it dry properly and I           fucked it up.                                                   CHET           We don't have time to sit around and           literally watch paint dry. Aren't           we going straight to the bank?                                                   WILL           I was actually thinking we need to           stop and steal a car first.                                   Chet drops the spray paint, whirls on Will.                                                   CHET           What? No way! We've got a car.                                                   WILL           Yeah, my car. I'm not gonna use it           as a getaway vehicle. They can trace           the plates. Even if we do get away,           we'll be arrested.                                                   CHET           Well, I can't hotwire a fucking           automobile, and neither can you.                                                   WILL           That's why I was thinking we'd steal           one from your parents' friends. The           Fishers. Remember how they used to           pay us to clean their garage? They           leave the keys in there. And they           have a Datsun. That's a fast car.                                                   CHET           I'm not stealing the Fishers' Datsun.           Let's steal a car from your parents'           friends.                                   Will seethes. He whips the car over to the side of the road          and gets in Chet's face.                                                   WILL           What friends? My parents don't have           any. My dad moved away after your           big mouth ruined his marriage and           humiliated him, and no one wanted to           hang out with the mom who everyone           knew fucked a lifeguard.           51.                                                   CHET           You never should have told me! I           was 13 years old. I couldn't process           that kind of information. I had to           tell someone else.           (shakes his head)           Fuck. I really am sorry about it.           Okay? Despite what I said before.           I was just a kid, but I messed up.                                                   WILL           Okay.                                   Chet looks at Will, expectantly.                                                   CHET           That's it? You're not gonna apologize           for selling my Cal Ripken ball?                                                   WILL           Sure. I'm sorry...I'm sorry that my           family was going through a rough patch           and I was smoking a ton of weed and           listening to the Wu Tang Clan all the           time. And that I needed some extra           dough to indulge my habit. Which, in           hindsight, was probably just a cry           for help. But you never even noticed.                                                   CHET           Thanks. Now I feel even worse.                                   Will sits there, stewing for a moment. Then he softens -                                                   WILL           I shouldn't have stolen the ball. I           knew it was wrong and I regretted it           like the next day. I actually tried           to buy it back but the guy wanted           twice as much. I had to smoke even           more weed just to get past the whole           shitty incident. I guess that's why           they call it a downward spiral.                                                   CHET           I appreciate that you tried to buy           it back. So, thanks.                                   An awkward moment passes.                                                   CHET           We should probably get going.                                   Will turns back around, goes to pull out without looking and -           52.                                   A horn blares as a speeding delivery truck barrels right at          them. Will slams the brakes, barely avoiding a collision.                                                   CHET           Fuck! Fuck! I just want this goddamn           day to be over!                                   As Chet continues to freak -                                   SUPER COUNTDOWN: 5 hours, 15 minutes...                                                   CUT TO:                                   EXT. THE FISHERS' GARAGE - DAY                                   Will keeps watch of the house. Chet squeezes through a garage          window he has pried open.                                   INT. THE FISHERS' GARAGE - DAY                                   Chet drops ungracefully to the floor, right beside a well          maintained 1977 Datsun 240Z.                                   Chet hurries over and unlocks the side door. Will enters,          hauling the Walmart bag of supplies. He goes right for a          set of hooks on the wall.                                                   WILL           The keys aren't here. They always           used to leave the keys out.                                                   CHET           Yeah. When we were teenagers. This           is fucked.                                                   WILL           Let's just find them.                                   The guys ransack the garage. Chet knocks over a shelf full          of clutter.                                                   CHET           Sorry.                                   Will goes to the car and tries the handle. It's open. He          scours the interior.                                                   CHET           You hear that?                                                   WILL           What?                                   Chet peeks through the glass pane in the door.           53.                                                   CHET           Mr. Fisher is coming!                                   As he looks for an escape -                                                   CHET           Oh shit, oh shit. Are the keys in there?                                                   WILL           No!                                   Will hops out of the car. He rifles through the Walmart bag.                                                   CHET           What are you doing?                                   Will pulls the ski masks out of the bag, along with one of          the freshly painted air pistols.                                                   WILL           I'm doing what I have to.                                   Will puts a ski mask on, then throws one to Chet. The door          opens and MR. FISHER (60s) enters. Chet quickly pulls down          his mask. It's backwards.                                   Will levels the pistol -                                    MR. FISHER           Oh, Jesus!                                   Mr. Fisher braces himself against a wall. Chet fumbles to          turn his mask around. Will affects a deep voice -                                                   WILL           Where are the car keys?                                    MR. FISHER           They're in my pocket! I'm just           reaching in my pocket for the keys!                                                   WILL           Quiet down and do it already.                                   Mr. Fisher reaches into his pocket and produces the keys.          They jingle as he holds them out in his trembling hand.          Will snatches them.                                                   WILL           Now listen, I don't want you to report           this car stolen or anything until           later tonight. Let's say 5 o'clock.           6 to be safe.           54.                                    MR. FISHER           Sure. Anything you say.                                   Will seems unconvinced. He looks to Chet, who shrugs. Will          turns back to Mr. Fisher and gestures violently with the gun -                                                   WILL           If you fuck with us, I swear, I           will...I will shoot your son. Taylor.           I know where he works. At the fucking           travel agency. He's the douchebag           with the bangs.                                    MR. FISHER                          (STUNNED)           Please no. I won't do anything. I           won't. Just leave Taylor alone.                                                   WILL           I'm gonna trust you. But if you           call the police, there's gonna be an           undertaker styling his stupid fucking           bangs!                          (BEAT)           Now open the garage door.                                   Mr. Fisher hits a switch that raises the garage door. Chet          grabs their stuff and gets in the passenger side. Will backs          toward the driver side.                                                   WILL           The car's insured, right?                                   Mr. Fisher nods.                                                   WILL           Okay. I feel better. Worse comes           to worst, something happens to it,           you can get a Honda. This thing           doesn't even have airbags.                                    MR. FISHER           Please, just go.                                   Will slides into the car and starts it up.                                   EXT. THE FISHERS' GARAGE - DAY                                   The car peels away.                                   INT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING                                   The guys yank off their ski masks.           55.                                                   CHET           That old man's got a heart condition!           You could have killed him!                                                   WILL           My hand was forced!                                   Chet tries to get comfortable in the seat.                                                   CHET           Awesome. I'm stuck inside an even           smaller car with you and a bomb.                                   Will works the manual transmission. He steps on the gas.                                                   WILL           This thing's got some pickup.                                                   CHET           Could you just take it easy, we're           doing fine on time.                                                   WILL           I know...but there's one last stop           we have to make.                                                   CHET           Do you have to take a piss first?           Because I do.                                   Will nervously drums his fingers on the steering wheel, trying          to figure out how to say -                                                   WILL           I need to see your sister.                                                   CHET           Are you for real? Did you really           just ask me that? You salt-in-an-           open-wound motherfucker!                                                   WILL           Chet, as if it isn't apparent, I may           die today. I'll probably die today.           And if there's one small thing that's           clear to me now, it's that I've wasted           two and a half decades as a pussy,           watching everything I want pass me           by. I don't wanna peace out of this           world as a pussy. I need to tell           her how I feel.                                                   CHET           You're really gonna turn this into           some sort of dying wish bullshit?           56.                                                   WILL           Yes, I really am. It means that much           to me. I am not fucking around here.                                                   CHET           I don't think you are. I mean,           apparently, you love my sister so           much that you're willing to put her           life in danger by going to see her           with a bomb strapped to your chest.                                                   WILL           She won't be in danger. I promise.           I got it all worked out. And you           can even take a piss while I'm inside.                                   EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY                                   The Datsun pulls around and parks in back.                                   PULL BACK TO REVEAL the minivan parking across the street.                                   INT. MINIVAN - DAY                                   Dwayne and Jay watch Will hurry out of the Datsun.                                                   DWAYNE           Where the fuck is he going? What's in           there? Some sort of FBI headquarters?           I told that guy not to fuck around!                                   Dwayne pulls out his cell phone, punches in the speed dial          code. His finger hovers above the send button.                                                   DWAYNE           Maybe I should give that bomb a call.                                                   JAY           No! Let me just go see what he's up to.                                   Dwayne smirks.                                                   DWAYNE           I was just fucking around. Are you           gay for this guy or something?                                                   JAY           I just wanna get the money, Dwayne.           Same as you.                                                   DWAYNE           All right. Then man up and go check           it out.                                   As Jay reaches for the door handle -           57.                                                   DWAYNE           Don't even tell me you're about to           do a reconnaissance without a cover.           What's you cover?                                                   JAY           I don't know...I'm from the telephone           company?                                                   DWAYNE           Yeah, nice fucking uniform.                                   Dwayne rummages in the back of the car, produces a shopping          bag and starts filling it with random clothes strewn across          the car. He shoves the bag at Jay.                                                   DWAYNE           You're a personal shopper. You're           delivering the latest fashions to Mr.           Quilby in marketing. Got it?                                   Jay nods, hops out with the bag and slams the door.                                   Dwayne looks down at the cell phone in his hand, twirls it          as he hums a revival song...sings the lyrics, softly -                                                   DWAYNE           "He's got the whole world in his           hands. He's got whole fucking world           in his hands..."                                   INT. STAIRWELL, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY                                   Will runs up the stairs, a phone pressed to his ear -                                                   WILL           ...no, I'm here right now.                                    KATE (O.S.)                          (OVER PHONE)           Why are you acting so strange?                                                   WILL           Because strange shit is going on.           I'll explain everything. Just meet           me where I texted you.                                    KATE (O.S.)                          WILL -                                                   WILL           Please. Just do it.           58.                                   EXT. ROOF, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY                                   You can see the entire shitty town from up here. The access          door opens and Kate emerges, wind tousling her short hair.                                                   KATE                          (CALLING OUT)           Will?                                   Will waves at her from where he is standing, way across on          the other side of the roof. Kate starts toward him.                                                   WILL           Stop!                                   Will takes out his cell phone and dials. Kate's phone rings.          She answers it, confused.                                                   KATE           What are you doing?                                   We STAY on Will. We can see Kate, standing 30 feet away,          but her voice comes over Will's cell phone, with a delay          that is slightly jarring.                                                   WILL           Just don't come any closer.                                                   KATE           Why not? What's going on?                                                   WILL           I'm gonna give you the short version           of an incredibly complicated and fucked           up situation, so please be cool.                          (BEAT)           Some very bad guys strapped a bomb           to my chest and they are forcing me           to commit a crime.                                                   KATE           Will, I swear, if this is -                                                   WILL           I wish I was joking, but I'm not. I           know it's a lot to swallow, but you           gotta take it on face value, because           there's a timer attached to this           thing and it's counting down.                                   Kate's voice falters -                                                   KATE           Oh my god, Will...we'll get help.           I'll get you help.           59.                                                   WILL           I didn't come here for help. I'm           taking care of it. I came here           because, should things not work out           today as I would like them to, I           want you to know why I was doing the           things I did.                                                   KATE           Please, just let me call someone.           Let me do something. This is crazy!                                                   WILL           I don't disagree with you. It's           fucking nuts. But that's not even           what this is about.                          (STRUGGLING)           Do you remember when you found that           picture in my car of you, me and           Chet, with Chet cut out of it?                                                   KATE           Will, I can't remember about some           stupid picture while you're -                                                   WILL           I need you to remember about the           picture, and about how I stop by           your office every Friday, and how           I've always hated all your boyfriends,           and how the two girls I've ever           seriously dated have looked like           less attractive versions of you.                          (BEAT)           Do you see where I'm going with this?           I love you Kate. I have for a very           long time.                                   Kate is barely holding it together.                                                   KATE           Will, this is a lot you're putting           on me! You just told me people are           trying to kill you or something, and           now you say you love me. What the           fuck is going on?                                                   WILL           A whole lot of shit. I'm sorry to do           this to you, but I was afraid I'd never           get the chance to tell you. And I           know you have feelings for me, too.           Maybe you feel for me the way you feel           for a good friend, or - if the world           fucking hates me - a brother.                          (MORE)           60.                                                   WILL (CONT'D)           But what I hope is that you don't really           know how you feel for me, and that           maybe when you figure it out you'll           realize it's the same way I feel for           you. Does that make any sense?                                                   KATE           Yes. I mean, I've known you forever.           It's not an easy thing to figure out.                                                   WILL           I don't need an answer now. Just           think about it. And no matter what           you decide, you're too good for           assholes like Mark and the rest of           them.                                   Kate manages a small, stifled laugh.                                                   KATE           Okay. I will process all of this.           It's just, the bomb -                                                   WILL           It's distracting. I know. Anyway,           I'd love to stay and talk some more,           but I can't. I gotta ask you to leave           now, because I'm running out of time.                                   Kate nods. Will hangs up the phone. She turns back toward          the access door, stops. She yells across the roof at Will -                                                   KATE           If I had time to think about it...I'd           probably tell you that I've always           felt very strongly for you. And I've           never thought of you as a brother.                                   Will smiles, yells back -                                                   WILL           That's a huge relief. Don't say           anything else. I just really don't           want to die now.                                                   KATE           Try not to. Please.                                   Kate turns and continues to the access door.           61.                                   INT. STAIRWELL, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY                                   Jay paces about the landing that leads up to the roof. He          hears the door opening and hurries down to the entrance for          the nearest floor. He tries the door, but it's locked.                                   Kate enters the stairwell from the roof access door and spots          Jay trying to force the door open. She is holding back tears.          He just looks incredibly confused.                                                   JAY           I'm, uh...I'm a personal shopper.           I'm looking for Mr. Quilby.                                                   KATE           I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.                                   Kate continues down the stairs, tears coming now. Jay waits          a beat, then hurries down and tries the door on the next          level, which is open.                                   INT. MINIVAN - DAY                                   Jay jumps in the van, huffing and puffing.                                                   DWAYNE           So?                                                   JAY           It was just his girlfriend or something.                                                   DWAYNE           Getting one last blow job in case he           don't make it. I kinda like this guy.                                   INT. DATSUN - DAY                                   Will, galvanized by the exchange, hops inside.                                                   CHET           Did you tell her how you saw her naked           when she was 13? That always works.                                                   WILL           I said my piece. She's gonna think           about it.                                                   CHET           Shut up. She was freaked out.                                                   WILL           Yes. By the bomb.                                                   CHET           By you.           62.                                                   WILL           Would it be so bad if we ended up           together? You and I would be family.                                                   CHET           I don't want you in the family. You           bring very little to the table. I           want her to be with someone awesome.           A pro quarterback. A war hero. At           the very least, someone I've never           watched porn with.                                                   WILL           Well, now it's up to her.                                                   CHET           Not if I set that bomb off myself.                                                   WILL           Then you'd probably never get to rob           a bank.                                   Will throws the car into gear and pulls away.                                   SUPER COUNTDOWN: 4 hours, 10 minutes...                                                   CUT TO:                                   EXT. PARKING LOT, DONNER-WELLS NATIONAL BANK - DAY                                   The Datsun is parked in the half-full lot. The guys lean          against the driver side, with their backs to the bank and          the car providing cover. They each have a spray painted air          pistol tucked into their pants.                                                   WILL           You go for the money. I'll cover           the crowd. In and out.                                   Chet clasps his hands around his stomach.                                                   CHET           I'm not feeling so good. I drank           like three of those 5-Hour Energy           drinks.                                                   WILL           It's just nerves. Let's pull our           shit together and do this thing.                                   Chet reigns it in. The guys slide on the leather gloves and          rolled up ski masks. They turn and stride toward the bank.                                   The guys stop as they get to the door. They pull the ski          masks down and take out their air pistols.           63.                                                   CHET           What should I call you in there,           like if I need to ask you to do           something?                                                   WILL           Call me Tivon. You'll be Darius.                                                   CHET           I can tell you're not a black guy           through the ski mask.                                                   WILL           Fine. Then you'll be Luis and I'm           Cruz. We're two loco motherfuckers           and that's the way we gotta roll           when we get in there.                                   INT. DONNER-WELLS NATIONAL BANK - DAY                                   It's business as usual for a dozen CUSTOMERS and about as          many EMPLOYEES. They all just want to get done with their          shit and go home, when -                                   Will and Chet burst through the bank doors, guns in hand.                                                   WILL           Everybody put your hands in the air!                                                   CHET           No, get on the ground!                                                   WILL           Actually, listen to him and get on           the fucking ground!                                   Will and Chet are on an adrenaline high, waving their guns          everywhere. People scream.                                                   WILL           Shut up! Please!                                   Will frantically scans the panicked crowd for -                                   The SECURITY GUARD (40s), rail thin and jumpy. Will points          his gun right at him.                                                   WILL           You, just stand right there and don't           do shit! The rest of you get the           fuck down! Spread your arms and legs!           Why is no one listening to me!?                                                   SECURITY GUARD           Just take it easy, man!           64.                                                   WILL           Don't be a hero, cowboy!                                                   SECURITY GUARD           What the fuck does that mean? I'm           not a hero! Or a cowboy!                                   As people drop to the ground, whispering nervously to one                         ANOTHER -                                   Chet rushes the TELLERS standing behind the bulletproof glass          partition.                                                   CHET           All of you, back away from the counter           and get out here! Anyone pushes a           button and one of these people gets           totally shot!                                   The Tellers hurry into the main area of the bank and get          onto their stomachs.                                   Will looks to the Guard.                                                   WILL           Very slowly, take out your gun and           toss it away.                                   The Guard takes out his gun, lays it on the ground and shoves          it away. The gun slides across the waxed floor and -                                   Right into the outstretched hand of a sobbing MOM (40s),          whose DAUGHTER (11) lies beside her in a soccer uniform.                                                   MOM           Oh, god! I don't want the gun!                                                   WILL                          (TO GUARD)           What the fuck!? Did you do that on           purpose!?                                                   SECURITY GUARD           It was an accident!                                                   CHET           Are you guys working together?                                                   MOM           No! Please take this gun away!                                                   WILL           Just toss it, lady!           65.                                   The Mom slides the gun away like it were on fire. It skids          all the way across the floor, slams hard against a wall and                                   BLAM!                                    MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)           Ah!                                   A FAT MAN has been shot. He clutches his thigh.                                                   FAT MAN           I think she got the femoral artery!                                                   MOM           I'm sorry! It was an accident!                                                   FAT MAN           Fuck you! Who slides a gun like that!?                                                   DAUGHTER           Mommy, what's happening!?                                                   MOM           Christi, be quiet. These men are           dangerous.                                   Chet turns ashen. He moves close to Will, whispers urgently -                                                   CHET           This is fucked. That dude is gonna           bleed out and we're gonna go to prison.                                                   WILL           Just calm down.                                                   FAT MAN           Why is no one getting me help!?                                                   WILL           Is anyone here a doctor?                                   Nothing. Just the heavy breathing of many frightened people.                                   Will hurries over to the Fat Man, who is bent over, hugging          his leg.                                                   WILL           Sir, let me see where you're hit.                                                   FAT MAN           Just call me an ambulance!                                                   WILL           Calm down, sir.           66.                                   The Fat Man sits up, removes his hand from his leg. Will          nervously takes a look. There is only a small amount of          blood.                                                   WILL           It's just a flesh wound. You're           gonna be okay.                                                   FAT MAN           But it hurts so bad.                                                   WILL           You got shot, man. It's not supposed           to feel good. But you're gonna be           fine. And you'll have a great story           to tell everyone.                                                   FAT MAN           This is an awful story! This isn't a           bank error in my favor! I got shot!                                                   WILL           Point taken. Luis, how we doing on           the money?                                   Chet snaps back to attention -                                                   CHET           Oh, shit. Sorry, Cruz.                                   Chet picks out the most harmless looking teller, a mousy 20-          something girl, and helps her up off the ground. He checks          her name tag: SANDRA.                                                   CHET           Hey, Sandra. I know you're probably           scared right now, but if you go grab           us 100 grand in a bag, we'll get out           of here. This will all be over and           you'll be fine. You trust me?                                   Sandra nods. Chet smiles, reassuringly. She hurries behind          the counter, starts filling a bank bag with cash, as -                                                   FAT MAN           My leg really hurts!                                                   WILL           Can you please hurry up, Sandra!?                                   Sandra emerges from behind the partition with the bank bag.          Will grabs it. He takes a last look at the people spread          across the floor.           67.                                                   WILL           I'm really sorry, everyone. I know           we probably fucked up your day.           (looks to Fat Man)           I'm thinking of you in particular,           sir. Actually, you know what...                                   Will crosses to the Fat Man, offers the bank bag.                                                   WILL           Quickly. Peel a few bills. On me.           Anyone rats him to the cops and I'm           coming for you. I remember faces.                                   The Fat Man hesitantly reaches for the bag. Opens it -                                   Red Dye explodes all over his face. He shrieks. Chet whirls          on the teller.                                                   CHET           What the fuck was that about, Sandra?           I thought we had something going!           What happened to trust?                                                   SANDRA           I'm sorry! They make us do it!                                                   WILL           Could you kindly fill another bag?           Not a bank bag. A fucking garbage           bag. And Luis, will you watch her           this time?                                   Sandra hurries back behind the partition with Chet. He dumps          out the contents of a trash can, grabs the bag and watches          closely as Sandra stuffs it with cash.                                                   CHET           Okay. That should be enough.                                   Chet grabs the bag and hustles out toward Will. They are          home free, until -                                   They hear the wail of approaching sirens outside. They stop          cold, panicked. Will whirls on the Tellers.                                                   WILL           Fuck! Which one of you assholes tripped           the alarm!? Was it you, Sandra!?                                                   SANDRA           No! It was Mark! He pushed the           button when you guys came in!                                   Another teller, MARK, looks up from the floor.           68.                                                   MARK           Sandra, you bitch! Now they're gonna           kill us both!                                                   SANDRA           Fuck you, Mark! You're the manager!                                   Will loses his shit -                                                   WILL           Fuck both of you! Fuck all of you!           I'm a regular guy! Just like you!           I'm a regular guy and you fucked me!           Thank you for fucking a regular guy!                                   People are freaked out. Sandra is crying, thinking she will          probably get shot now.                                   Chet grabs Will and pulls him toward the door.                                                   CHET           Let's just get the fuck out of here.                                   The guys slam through the doors, out into                                   EXT. PARKING LOT, DONNER-WELLS NATIONAL BANK - DAY                                   Just as a lone police cruiser screeches into the lot. Will          and Chet make a run for it, but the cruiser cuts them off.                                   OFFICER ZURMAN (21), a jittery rookie, jumps out of the cruiser          and levels his gun. The guys reflexively level theirs.                                                   OFFICER ZURMAN           Drop your weapons!                                                   CHET           Don't shoot us!                                                   OFFICER ZURMAN           Drop the guns or I'll have to!                                   Chet looks at Will with utter desperation. In the distance,          they hear the sirens of more cops approaching. Will tosses          his gun, rips open his jacket and grabs a cluster of wires.                                                   WILL           Fuck you! You just brought a gun to           a bomb fight, officer! I pull these           wires out and we all go! You got           ten seconds to drop your gun and -                                   Zurman doesn't stick around for the rest. He turns and          sprints away.           69.                                   As the guys make for the Datsun -                          CHET           That was awesome.                          WILL           He was tempting a desperate           motherfucker.          The guys jump in the Datsun and peel out as two more police          cruisers race toward the bank. The cruisers change course          and give chase. The Datsun blows right by the parked          INT. MINIVAN - DAY          Dwayne watches as the cars speed off into the distance.                          DWAYNE           Holy shit! Our boy is causing some           serious mayhem!                          JAY           He's gonna get caught or killed.          Dwayne whirls on Jay, punches him hard in the shoulder.                          DWAYNE           Shut the fuck up! If you jinx this           with your negativity, I'm gonna strap           a bomb to your chest next.          Jay massages his shoulder, pissed.                                                   JAY           Oh, yeah, who's gonna build it?                                                   DWAYNE           You are!                                   EXT. STREET - DAY                                   Whiplash blur as the three cars race by, one after the other.          Airborne leaves flutter in their wake.                                   INT./EXT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING                                   Chet freaks out as they hurtle toward lunchtime traffic.          Will weaves in and out of cars.                                                   CHET           Shit! This is not cool!                                   Will is wild eyed, punching the gas. Chet's head is on a          swivel. Behind them: police cruisers in hot pursuit. Up ahead:          the world rushing at them at 80 mph, populated by nothing but          potential collisions that will result in a fiery death.           70.                                                   CHET           Maybe we should pull over and           surrender.                                                   WILL           I can outrun these guys. They're           not the FBI, they're local cops.           Just shut up and let me concentrate.           I do this for a living.                                   As they clip the side-view mirror off a Kia -                                                   CHET           You don't do anything like this for a           living! I am not a pizza, I am a man!                                   The cruisers are gaining ground, throttles wide open.                                   Will downshifts, spiking the RPMs into the red, as he banks          a hard right and                                   EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY                                   The Datsun explodes onto a crowded street. PEDESTRIANS          crossing an intersection jump out of its way.                                   The cruisers take the turn into town. One makes it. The          other slams into parked cars.                                   INT./EXT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING                                   Will jumps the curb to avoid slow-moving traffic, slams into a          newspaper dispenser. It flips up onto the hood and crashes          into the windshield, where it stays lodged.                                                   WILL           Holy fuck!                                   Will veers back into the street and blindly plows ahead as          cars he cannot see swerve to avoid him.                                   He finally slams the brakes, the momentum knocking the          dispenser loose and launching it onto the sidewalk, scattering          Pedestrians.                                   Chet whirls around to see the cruiser flying right at them.                                                   CHET           Go! Go! Go!                                   Will steps on the gas. The light ahead turns red.                                                   CHET           Stop! Stop! Stop!           71.                                   Will rolls the dice and blows through the intersection.          He's lucky. The cruiser behind him is not. It's T-boned by          traffic in a brutal, crunching collision.                                   INT./EXT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING                                   The cruiser wreckage disappears in the rear-view mirror as          Will floors it toward a green light.                                                   WILL           That guy got fucked up.                                   In the rushing moment as they cross the intersection, Chet          glimpses the other cruiser barreling toward his side of the          car from the perpendicular street. He has a millisecond,          maybe, to process their impending doom, and then -                                   The cruiser smashes into the back passenger side of the car.                                   EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY                                   The Datsun is sent spinning like a fucking top. Its ruined          back wheel catches, sending the car tumbling onto its roof.                                   INT./EXT. DATSUN - DAY - MOVING                                   Madness. The guys scream as the car continues to slide,          upside down, out of control. As it slams into a row of          parking meters, the world goes                                                  BLACK                                   Will blinks back to reality. He's hanging, inverted, by his          seat belt. The car is a pool of shattered glass. It twinkles          up at him. Hours could have passed, but it's only been          seconds. He sucks in air. Satisfied that he is, in fact,          still alive, he looks over at -                                   A battered and bruised Chet, head drooping straight back.                                                   WILL           Chet? Are you okay? Chet!?                                                   CHET                          (ROUSING)           Oh my god...                                                   WILL           Talk to me.                                                   CHET           I thought you were gonna blow up.                                   Will's hands go to the bomb...still intact.           72.                                                   WILL           No. Luckily your side took most of           the impact.                                                   CHET           Awesome.                                                   WILL           We gotta keep moving.                                   Will unclicks his seat belt and falls to the roof of the          car. He moves to Chet, unclicks his belt and helps him down.                                   EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY                                   Will emerges from the overturned car. He drags Chet out,          along with the bag of cash. He glances up to see the OFFICER          who crashed into them stumbling out of his own ruined car,          which has turned a fire hydrant into a geyser. Another          cruiser races to the scene.                                                   WILL           Oh, fuck, man. Come on.                                   Will pulls Chet to his feet and they take off, rounding a                         CORNER INTO                                   EXT. ALLEY - DAY                                   As Will huffs and puffs -                                                   WILL           Chet...I don't know how to tell you           this...but you got a piece of the           car in you.                                                   CHET           What!?                                                   WILL           In your back.                                   Chet glances back to see a jagged piece of metal sticking          out of his shoulder blade.                                                   CHET           Ah! Get it out!                                                   WILL           I will.                                                   CHET           Do it now!           73.                                                   WILL           All right.                                   Without breaking stride, Will yanks the piece of metal out          of Chet's back. He screams.                                                   CHET           Is it rusty? Am I gonna get tetanus?                                   Behind them, two Officers turn into the alley in full sprint.          They are way faster than the guys and soon gain on them.          Will can barely keep up with Chet.                                                   CHET           Why are you moving so slowly?                                                   WILL           It's a combination of cheap sneakers           and this heavy fucking bomb on my chest!                                   They burst out of the alley, onto                                   EXT. STREET - DAY                                   The guys frantically search for an escape, spot -                                   A bus pulling up to a stop down the street.                                   They sprint for the the bus, peeling off their ski masks and          waving as it lazily rolls away from the stop.                                                   WILL           Hey! Over here!                                   The bus slows and the guys trip over each other to board it.                                   INT. BUS - DAY - MOVING                                   The guys fall into seats, gasping for air, a complete mess.                                   Will looks out the window to see the Officers emerge from          the alley and look around for them.                                   EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY                                   A crowd has grown around the crash sites. Fire trucks and          ambulances are on the scene.                                   Dwayne and Jay make their way through the crowd, trying to          see what's what. Dwayne approaches a RANDOM LOCAL.                                                   DWAYNE           You hear what happened to the guys           they were after?           74.                                                   RANDOM LOCAL           Sounds like they got away.                                   Dwayne and Jay beam.                                   EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY                                   The guys are covered in sweat as they hike along, eyes on          the lookout. They arrive at Will's parked Mustang. Will          hugs the car.                                                   WILL           I never thought I'd see you again.                                                   CHET           I thought you hated this car.                                                   WILL           It's actually not that bad. You know,           as compared to that Datsun. The           Mustang's got more comfortable seats.           And it never would have flipped over.                                   INT. MUSTANG - DAY                                   The guys get in. They sit there for a moment, silent except          for their heavy breathing. Will's eyes go to the garbage          bag sitting between them.                                                   WILL           There's a 100 grand in there. 100           fucking grand. Which we stole.           From a bank.                                                   CHET           I told a bunch of people I was gonna           shoot someone. I was like "you           fucking move, and I will kill you           where you stand!"                                                   WILL           I threatened to blow up a cop.                          (BEAT)           And you never said "I will kill you           where you stand."                                                   CHET           I know. But shit did get pretty crazy.                                                   WILL           Yeah, it did.                                   Will starts to get a little emotional.           75.                                                   WILL           You know, there's no one I would           have rather taken down a fucking           bank with. I mean that.                                   Chet smiles.                                                   CHET           Me, neither.                                                   WILL           And as for all that shit I said...and           all that shit I did...I hope you can           forgive me. We've been friends for           so long, and I guess you hurt the           people you're closest to the most.                                                   CHET           I messed up, too. I'm a dude who           slept with his best friend's ex-           girlfriend, and destroyed his parents'           marriage, and sat on the sidelines           watching his downward spiral. I'm a           shitty human being. But I'm glad           you know that now, because you can           accept me for who I am.                                                   WILL           I do. I accept you. Because you           accept me.                                   Will goes in for a hug. Chet gets lost in the moment, before          recoiling.                                                   CHET           Woah! You still got a bomb on you.                                                   WILL           You're right. Let's take care of           that. But you owe me a hug.                                   Will pulls the slip of paper Dwayne gave him from his pocket.                                                   WILL           It's all gravy from here.                                   Will takes out his cell and dials the number.                                                   INTERCUT WITH:                                   EXT. TOWN CENTER - DAY                                   Dwayne and Jay cross toward a McDonald's. Dwayne stops and          answers his vibrating cell phone.           76.                                                   DWAYNE           This who I think it is?           WILL (O.S.)           Can't you hear the ticking in the           background?                          DWAYNE           You know, you're a pretty funny guy.           WILL (O.S.)           Thanks. I'm happy to entertain a           complete psychopath.                          DWAYNE           Now wait a second, you're the murderer.           WILL (O.S.)           What's that supposed to mean?                          DWAYNE           One of those cops who wrecked his           car chasing you...he ain't breathing           no more.          Will goes white, covers the phone and whispers to Chet -                          WILL           We killed a cop.                          CHET           You were driving! I'm just an           accomplice!                          WILL           They're gonna hunt us down and kill           us. Cops don't take this shit lightly.                                                   CHET           I bet he had like eight kids. We           have to find them and support his           family forever.                                   Dwayne is holding back laughter. Finally bursts out.                                    WILL (O.S.)           What's so fucking funny!?                                                   DWAYNE           I'm just messin' with you. You didn't           kill anyone. How'd a moron like you           manage to rob a bank?                                    WILL (O.S.)           Jesus! Can we just get this over           with? Where do you want the money?           77.                                                   DWAYNE           There's a boarded up gas station out           on Commerce Avenue, past the highway.           Be there in 30 minutes.                                    WILL (O.S.)           I'll be there in ten.                                                   DWAYNE           Then you'll be standing around with           your dick in one hand, and my money           in the other.                                   Dwayne hangs up. He dials another number -                                                   DWAYNE           Yo, Juicy, wrangle your boy. Money's           on its way.                                   EXT. ROAD - DAY                                   The Mustang shrieks past us.                                   SUPER COUNTDOWN: 2 hours, 58 minutes...                                                   CUT TO:                                   INT. MCDONALD'S - DAY                                   Dwayne and Jay sit at a table with a fast food feast spread          out. Dwayne eats a Big Mac, a look of utter satisfaction on          his face, a man whom the gods have finally smiled down upon.                                                   DWAYNE           I remember the summer after my mother           passed was the first year they had           the Monopoly game at McDonald's. I           musta come here three times a day           trying to collect all the game pieces.           Packed on 20 pounds, got acne from           all the grease. The Major said I was           the fattest, ugliest 13-year-old he           ever laid eyes on. But I didn't care,           I just wanted to win the money and           get the fuck out of there. So, one           night, I followed this skinny register           kid home, jumped him. I kept whaling           on him, asking him where they were           hiding the Park Place piece. The           million dollar prize. But he didn't           know shit. A year later, The Major           won the lotto. I asked him for a           Sega Genesis. He bought me one of           those paddles with the ball attached.           78.                                   Dwayne goes for a fry, sees his carton is empty and grabs a          handful of Jay's.                                                   DWAYNE           I'm not ashamed to admit that I've           gone through some dark times since           then. Depression. Addiction to a           variety of shit, which I won't go           into. I know you must think that's           pretty silly, especially since you           manage to get through the day and you           don't got shit going on as compared           to me. But that's just the way it           is. That's life.                                   Jay looks pretty affected that Dwayne is opening up to him.                                                   JAY           You know, I've been pretty low, too...           if you ever want to talk about that           kinda stuff.                                                   DWAYNE           No. I don't. My whole point I was           trying to make before you interrupted           me was that that shit is all in the           past. 'Cause I did it. I finally           pulled it off.                                                   JAY           We pulled it off, Dwayne. The two           us. We're a good team.                                                   DWAYNE           Are we? Would you do anything to           protect me, my money, my empire?                                                   JAY           Yeah, sure...                          (NERVOUS)           I mean, like what kinda stuff are we           talking about?                                   Dwayne takes out his cell, keys in the speed dial code and          slides the cell across the table to Jay.                                                   DWAYNE           Would you push the button?                                                   JAY           Why would you want me to do that?                                                   DWAYNE           It's just a question, Jay. Would           you? If I asked you?                          (MORE)           79.                                                   DWAYNE (CONT'D)           I mean, it's no different than those           watermelons.                                                   JAY           Watermelons aren't alive.                                                   DWAYNE           Yeah, they are. Not the ones you           blew up, though.                                   Dwayne stares hard at Jay. A tense beat.                                                   JAY           No one gets hurt...right, Dwayne?                                                   DWAYNE           Oh, yeah. I forgot about that part.                                   Dwayne cracks a smile.                                                   DWAYNE           Anyway, he hasn't even made the drop           yet. I'm gonna go take a shit.           Stay away from the bathroom. Someone           could get hurt.                                   Dwayne heads off. Jay eyes the cell phone he has left behind.                                   EXT. BOARDED UP GAS STATION - DAY                                   Weeds have overtaken the abandoned place. Will leans against          his parked car, waiting. Chet is nowhere to be seen.                                   Will spots Vaughn's Sentra approach. It pulls into the          station and Vaughn steps. He could not look more menacing.          Juicy hangs back in the passenger seat.                                                   WILL           Where are the other guys?                                                   VAUGHN           I'm the only guy.                          (BEAT)           You got it?                                   Will picks up the garbage bag at his feet and walks it over          to Vaughn. He opens it, looks in.                                                   VAUGHN           What the fuck did you do...rob a           bank?           80.                                                   WILL                          (INCREDULOUS)           Yes.                                   Vaughn grins.                                                   WILL           Now where's the code?                                                   VAUGHN           I don't have any code.                                   Vaughn turns to leave. Will grabs his arm. Vaughn stops,          looks purposefully down at Will's hand. Will draws back.                                                   WILL           Listen, man, I just want the code.                                                   VAUGHN           I don't know what the fuck you're           talking about.                                                   WILL           The code for the fucking bomb!                                   Will opens his jacket. Vaughn takes a sudden step back.                                                   VAUGHN           What kind of stupid motherfucker           wears a bomb to a drop?                                                   WILL           Your boss put this on me.                                                   VAUGHN           I am my boss.                                                   WILL           Then give me the code!                                                   VAUGHN           Motherfucker, I don't know no goddamn           code. Whoever told you I did, lied           to you. Now step the fuck off, or           I'll shoot you in the face so you           don't explode and mess up my boots.                                   Vaughn goes to leave again. Will runs ahead of him and gets          in his way.                                                   WILL           If you don't have the code, I want           that money back.           81.                                                   VAUGHN           The only way you're getting this           money back is if you kill me.                                                   WILL           You don't know what I've gone through           for that money!                                   In an instant, Vaughn has his gun out, aimed at Will's head.                                                   VAUGHN           Do I look sympathetic? Now step the           fuck aside.                                   INT. SENTRA - DAY                                   Juicy looks on with interest as Vaughn holds Will at gunpoint.          Then she spots                                   EXT. BOARDED UP GAS STATION - DAY                                   Chet creeping up behind Vaughn, from wherever he was hiding,          clutching a large metal pipe.                                   Juicy jumps out of the Sentra.                                                   JUICY           Vaughn, look out!                                   Vaughn whirls around toward Chet, just in time to have his          gun arm smashed by the pipe. The weapon drops from his hand.          Chet takes another swing, cracking Vaughn across the face.          He howls, blood spraying, and topples over. Chet goes for          another swing, when -                                   Juicy jumps on him, wildly biting and clawing.                                   Will grabs the back of Juicy's track jacket for leverage and          flings her away. She hits the back of the Sentra and careens          clear across the trunk.                                                   WILL           Let's go!                                   Will grabs the money. Chet kicks Vaughn's gun into the          bushes. The guys break for the Mustang and get in.                                   Juicy gets to her feet, runs right by a dazed Vaughn and          after the car, which pulls out into the road and leaves her          behind, screaming and cursing.                                   INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING                                   Will's mind is racing.           82.                                                   WILL           What the fuck was that?                                                   CHET           They tried to screw us. You're a           liability. They were just gonna let           you blow up.                                                   WILL           Not with the money they won't.                                   INT. JAY'S GARAGE WORKSHOP - DAY                                   A tidy space, filled with various half-finished devices,          action figures and heavy metal posters. A low mechanical          hum registers.                                   Dwayne sits on a stool in the center of the garage, while          Jay carefully trims his hair with an electric clipper. Dwayne          holds up a mirror to check out his work.                                                   DWAYNE           Never comes out this nice when I do           it myself. You might wanna take some           more off the top, though. I wanna           look real professional when I go down           to the morgue to identify the body.                                   Dwayne's phone chimes from a nearby counter. He grabs it,          looks at the incoming number, slightly concerned. He answers -                                                   DWAYNE           You drop the money yet?                                                   INTERCUT WITH:                                   INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING                                   Will yells into the phone -                                                   WILL           No! I've still got the money! And           I cracked your friend's face open!                                    DWAYNE (O.S.)           Why the fuck would you do that!?                                                   WILL           You lied! You said I'd get the code!                                   Dwayne is panicked, covers badly -                                                   DWAYNE           I gave him the code. He told me he           committed it to memory.                          (MORE)           83.                                                   DWAYNE (CONT'D)           He was probably just embarrassed that           he forgot it. I'll call him up and -                                    WILL (O.S.)           You didn't give him shit! I want           the code now or you'll never see           this money!                                                   DWAYNE           Hold on there, big man. You got a           bomb on you. I got a cell phone that           detonates it. You're not exactly           negotiating from a position of leverage.                                    WILL (O.S.)           I'm holding the money. I blow up,           and it blows up. Who has the leverage           now? Go ahead and push the button,           you idiot.                                   Chet freaks out -                                                   CHET           Don't tell him to push the button!           Pull over! Pull over!                                   Dwayne is getting pissed off.                                                   DWAYNE           Why don't you watch what the fuck           you say! I own you! I tell you to           rob a bank, and you rob a bank. I           tell you to give me the money, and           you give me the goddamn money and           hope I show you some mercy.                                    WILL (O.S.)           I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm           already dead, right? So fuck you.           At least I'll die rich. I can't say           the same for you.                                   The line goes dead. Dwayne tears off his haircut smock.                                                   DWAYNE           That piece of shit hung up on me!                                   INT. MUSTANG - DAY - MOVING                                   Chet grabs the wheel and forces Will to pull over.                                                   CHET           Get me out of this car!           84.                                   EXT. ROAD - DAY                                   Chet jumps out while the Mustang is still slowing down. He          runs 20 yards away. Will turns the car off and gets out.                                                   CHET           That was colossally stupid!                                                   WILL           It was a negotiation tactic. He'll           call back and I won't answer. Then           he'll call back and I will answer, and           he'll realize the only way he gets the           money is if he gives me the code.                                                   CHET           Sure! That seems like a perfectly           logical pattern of thought! I bet           that's exactly what he'll do!                                   INT. JAY'S GARAGE WORKSHOP - DAY                                   Dwayne tries Will's phone again. It goes to voicemail. He          explodes like a pack of Mentos in a two-liter of Diet Coke.          Throws his cell across the room. Overturns a work table.                                                   DWAYNE           Does this guy know who the fuck I am!?                                   Jay retreats into a corner. Dwayne's a big boy, and he soon          tires himself out, hunches over, panting.                                                   JAY           Dwayne...you never told me you weren't           going to give him the code.                                                   DWAYNE           We're not amateurs. He was a loose           end. I let him live, someday I woulda           been walking out of my mansion and...           bam! FBI, CIA, NSA, all converging on           my front lawn, 'cause a loose end turned           state's evidence and they got what           they need to put me away.                                   Dwayne shakes his head. Starts digging through the mess          he's made...finds his phone.                                                   DWAYNE           Fuck it, Jay. I'll just kill The           Major myself.                                   Dwayne keys in the speed dial code.           85.                                                   JAY           Don't do it.                                   Dwayne looks down at the send button.                                                   DWAYNE           You know what they say about a tree           falling in the forest? Maybe the           same thing applies to blowing up           some motherfucker across town. Maybe           it doesn't even make a sound.                                   Dwayne hits send.                                                   DWAYNE           Boom.                                   But Dwayne notices something...the phone in his hand is          ringing. He puts it to his ear. The line connects -                                    FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)           Hello...who is this...hello...?                                   Dwayne snaps the phone shut, looks to Jay, who tries to will          the beads of sweat back into his pores.                                                   DWAYNE           Who did I just call, Jay? 'Cause           she sounded cute for a bomb.                                                   JAY                          (SWALLOWS HARD)           Gina Kim. My seventh grade crush. Or           whoever lives in Gina Kim's house now.                                                   DWAYNE           Where's the number for the bomb?                                                   JAY           In my head. I switched it out of           your phone while you were taking a           shit. You're out of control, Dwayne.                                                   DWAYNE           I'm in perfect control!                                   Dwayne charges Jay. Jay holds up the hair clippers like a          weapon, flicks them on. Dwayne rips the cord out of the          wall, uses it to yank the clippers from Jay's hand, then          whips him with the cord.                                                   JAY           Stop it!           86.                                   Dwayne goes to whip Jay again, but Jay moves like a jack rabbit          and delivers a fierce kidney shot. Dwayne stumbles backward,          falls onto the couch, groans -                          DWAYNE           You asshole...I make you my partner           and you pull this shit...                          JAY           I'm tired of you pushing me around           all the time! What kinda partner           does that!?                          DWAYNE           Fuck you...I'm gonna piss blood,           aren't I?                          JAY           That's what it said on the internet.          Dwayne's phone rings in his pocket.                          DWAYNE           Go on. Get it out for me. I can           barely move.          Jay pulls the cell from Dwayne's pocket...opens it and puts          it to his ear so he can answer -                          DWAYNE           Glad you came to your senses.                          INTERCUT WITH:          EXT. BOARDED UP GAS STATION - DAY                                   Vaughn has a rag pressed to his swollen, bloody face. Juicy          is nearby, banged up and dirty. Vaughn yells into his cell -                                                   VAUGHN           Who the fuck do you think you're           talking to!?                                    DWAYNE (O.S.)           I honestly don't know.                                                   VAUGHN           Let me give you a hint: your boy           just jumped me, tossed my bitch like           a rag doll and split with the cash.                                   Dwayne realizes who's on the other line, recovers -                                                   DWAYNE           That guy's not my boy. He's a dick.           I'm sorry for all the, uh, confusion.           87.                                    VAUGHN (O.S.)           Confusion? The only motherfucker           that's confused is you. Apparently,           you think you can fuck me and survive           the day.                                                   DWAYNE           I wasn't fucking you, I was fucking           him. You gotta understand, you're           like a pawn in a much larger game           I'm playing here.                                    VAUGHN (O.S.)           Did you just call me a pawn, you           stupid fuck!?                                                   DWAYNE           I didn't mean it like that. I'm           just juggling a whole lot of shit.                                    VAUGHN (O.S.)           I want my money. Right now.                                                   DWAYNE           That may not be possible.                          (DELICATELY)           I just want to put this out there,           to keep you in the loop...but I may           need to bump the hit.                                   Vaughn paces, furious.                                                   VAUGHN           This isn't a reservation at Sizzler!           You don't "bump" it! I want you to           bring me my money right now, to where           I am standing in this shit hole town,           bleeding from the motherfucking face!                                    DWAYNE (O.S.)           I don't exactly have the money...give           me some time and -                                                   VAUGHN           The deal's off! You just became the           hit!                                   Vaughn hangs up, tosses the bloody rag to the ground and          screams in frustration.                                                   JUICY           He lives with his daddy. You already           got the address.           88.                                   INT. JAY'S GARAGE WORKSHOP - DAY                                   Dwayne looks down at his phone.                                                   DWAYNE           That's it. The assassin's gonna           kill me now. I'm gonna die. Game           fucking over.                                   Dwayne cradles his arms around his wounded kidney, rocks          back and forth, wallowing in defeat.                                                   JAY           We can still get him the money. Try           the pizza guy back.                                                   DWAYNE           Why? So he can fuck around again,           and I wind up dead, anyway? No.           I'd rather just sit here. I want to           die right here on this couch.                                                   JAY           No. We're gonna get that money.           Just like we planned. All we gotta           do is get the leverage back.                                                   DWAYNE           How do we do that? Pizza boy's           obviously got some kinda death wish.                                   Jay gathers his resolve.                                                   JAY           We take the girl. The one he went           to see. Then he won't try shit.                                   Dwayne looks up at Jay with something not unlike awe.                                                   DWAYNE           That's actually...that's a great           fucking idea, Jay. It's the best           idea anyone's had all day.                                   Dwayne lowers his head. He removes the gun from his          belt...holds it out to Jay. Jay takes it. Feels its weight.          Then offers it back.                                                   JAY           I was just trying to figure out how           you would do it, Dwayne.                                   Dwayne takes the gun. Struggles to stand. Jay helps him.           89.                                                   DWAYNE           Ok. Then let's do it right. We           leave nothing to chance. Because if           we go to prison for this, I won't be           able to watch out for you.                                                   JAY           Ok, Dwayne.                                   Dwayne looks over at a frame backpack hanging from a hook on          the wall. PVC piping bulges from it.                                                   DWAYNE           You should probably bring the           flamethrower, buddy. There's gonna           be some evidence to dispose of.                                   EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY                                   Will and Chet sit on the ground, still 20 yards apart. Chet          checks his watch.                                                   CHET           It's been half an hour.                                                   WILL           He'll call.                                                   CHET           In another 30 minutes I'm calling           the bomb squad.                                   Chet gestures to the vast emptiness all around them.                                                   CHET           These guys obviously aren't watching           you anymore.                                                   WILL           You know, even if they get the bomb           squad here in time, and they can           somehow get this thing off me, we           still gotta answer for the robbery.                                                   CHET           I'll take the heat with you, Will.                                                   WILL           Nah. I'll tell them I forced you           into it. That you didn't have a           choice.                                                   CHET           Thanks, man.           90.                                   Will looks at Chet for a beat.                          WILL           That's it? You're not gonna think           about it a little longer? After all           we went through...tear down the           relationship, rebuild it...you're           gonna let me go to prison alone?                          CHET           You offered.                          WILL           It was a test. Your grade: F minus.           You know what the "F" is for?                          CHET           To fuck myself?                          WILL           You passed that test. Failed the           important one.          As the guys continue to argue -          SUPER COUNTDOWN: 1 hour, 28 minutes...                          CUT TO:          INT. LAW FIRM, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY          Kate walks down a hallway, turns into an office. Two figures          rush past from the intersecting hallway and duck behind a          corner.                                   Kate emerges from the office and continues into                                   INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM, OFFICE BUILDING - DAY                                   Kate goes to the mirror, checks herself out. She's been          crying. She splashes water on her face, then enters a stall.                                   The bathroom door opens and Dwayne and Jay enter. Dwayne          pulls something hairy from his pocket.                                   Inside the stall, Kate reaches for some toilet paper...from          underneath the barrier, she notices two pairs of dirty,          masculine sneakers. Her breath goes shallow. She takes out          her cell, quietly opens it. She presses the first 9 in "911,"          but her keypad volume is on and the phone makes a dull,          electronic beep that echoes in the quiet bathroom.                                    DWAYNE (O.S.)           Why don't you just slide the phone           under the door, so I don't have to           kick it open and see you with your           panties down.           91.                                   Kate slides the phone out. One of the sneakers crushes it.          She gets off the toilet, arranges her clothing and steps out          out of the stall. She gasps at -                                   The two ominous men standing there in gorilla masks. Dwayne's          gun is plainly visible, tucked into the front of his pants.                                                   DWAYNE           What's the quietest way out of the           building? 'Cause I might get excited           in a confrontation, and you might           wind up shot in the face.                                   EXT. LIVING ROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY                                   The Major is watching reruns of Three's Company. He doesn't          laugh or remotely smile at any of it.                                   The subtle click of a door opening does not escape his finely          tuned senses.                                                   MAJOR           Dwayne?                                   Nothing. The Major gets up and goes to a desk, rifles through          a drawer and pulls something out. A simple pen. He clutches          it like a weapon.                                   INT. HALLWAY, NICE HOUSE - DAY                                   The Major creeps along.                                    VAUGHN (O.S.)           Just stay where you are, old man.                                   The Major turns to find Vaughn pointing a gun at him.                                                   VAUGHN           I'm looking for your son.                                                   MAJOR           Even if I knew where he was, I           wouldn't tell you nothing.                                                   VAUGHN           Don't be stupid.                                                   MAJOR           You know, I saved a black man's life           in the shit. So if I took yours I'd           be even.                                                   VAUGHN           I see where your son gets his common           sense.                          (MORE)           92.                                                   VAUGHN (CONT'D)           But you might want to readjust your           attitude, because I ain't fucking           around. I want Dwayne. I don't know           why you'd want to protect him, the           motherfucker hired me to kill you.                                   If this news has any effect at all on The Major, he doesn't          show it.                                                   VAUGHN           Just tell me where he is!                                   Vaughn pulls back the hammer of his gun.                                                   MAJOR           You think I'm scared of death?           There's a whole generation of gooks           that think I'm the grim reaper.                                   Vaughn shakes his head. Almost imperceptibly, The Major          repositions the hand with the pen in it. Vaughn is about to          squeeze the trigger -                                   But The Major beats him to it, clicking the pen, which is          actually a pen gun. It fires a .22 caliber round into Vaughn's          neck. He drops the gun and clutches the geyser of blood.                                   The Major charges Vaughn, jumps on him and wrestles him to          the ground, trying to jam the pen into the wound in his neck.                                                   MAJOR           I'll ride you all the way to hell!           I know exactly how to get there!                                   Vaughn reaches for his gun. His fingers curl around it and          he whips it across The Major's face, knocking him backwards.                                   Vaughn scrambles to his feet, gun pointed at the felled Major.                                                   VAUGHN           What now, old man!? You can't kill           me! None of y'all can kill me!                                   The Major looks up at Vaughn, once again face to face with a          loaded weapon.                                                   MAJOR           Go on and -                                   BANG!                                   The Major goes limp, one searing hole in his chest.           93.                                   Vaughn clasps a hand to his neck to staunch the flow of blood.          He steps over the The Major's body and continues upstairs.                                   INT. BATHROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY                                   Vaughn rifles through the cabinets, dumps all of the first          aid supplies into the sink. He gets to work on his wound.                                   INT. DWAYNE'S ROOM, NICE HOUSE - DAY                                   The locked door is kicked open. Vaughn, neck crudely          bandaged, flicks on the lights and looks around the childish          room. Chinese Fighting Fish swim in a large tank, seem to          stop and look out at him like guard dogs.                                   Vaughn ransacks the place. He finds a desk drawer locked.          Takes out his gun and blows it open.                                   Vaughn pulls a stuffed file folder out of the drawer. Flips          through it. It's full of details about Dwayne's plan, the          tanning salon, etc.                                                   VAUGHN           Motherfucker has lost his mind...                                   He finds a map of the town in the file. Three locations are          highlighted: the bank, the boarded up gas station, and the          radio tower. PUSH IN on the radio tower.                                   Vaughn stuffs the map into his pocket. He stops before leaving          the room, turns and shatters the fish tank with the butt of          his gun. Water spills out and the Chinese Fighting Fish flop          onto the floor. As Vaughn lifts a boot to stomp them -                                   EXT. ROAD - DAY                                   Will and Chet are still arguing -                                                   CHET           Look at the upshot, while you're           behind bars you can finally finish           your degree. If I was there, too,           it would just be a distraction.                                                   WILL           Great idea, Chet. Thanks a lot.           I'll just sit here and figure out a           fucking major.                                   Will stews. After a beat, his hand goes to his pocket.          It's vibrating. He pulls out his cell.                                                   WILL           Hey, it's them.           94.                                   Will answers -                                                   WILL           You ready to talk now?                                                   INTERCUT WITH:                                   INT. MINIVAN - DAY - MOVING                                   Dwayne drives with his cell pressed to his ear. Jay keeps          watch on Kate in back. She is blindfolded, hands bound behind          her back with duct tape.                                                   DWAYNE                          (INTO PHONE)           Yeah, I'm ready to talk. I want my           money. Meet me back at the radio           tower in 50 minutes.                                    WILL (O.S.)           I've barely got an hour left!                                                   DWAYNE           That's the point. I want you on a           short leash.                                    WILL (O.S.)           Fuck that. Give me the code first.           Then you can have your money. You'll           just have to trust me when I say           that I don't want it.                                                   DWAYNE           Yeah, I'm sure. You just wanna go           back to your fantastic life. Your           great job. And that blonde bitch           with the sexy voice.                                   Will's mind jumps to the only logical conclusion. Roller          coaster stomach drop. His voice cracks as he asks a useless                         QUESTION -                                                   WILL           What the fuck is that supposed to           mean?                                    DWAYNE (O.S.)           It means that girl you paid a visit           to today is sitting in the back of           my van right now. And it ain't           exactly consensual.                                                   WILL           Fuck you! You crossed a line!           95.                                   Dwayne just laughs, maniacally.                                                   DWAYNE           There are no lines! There's just me           and you and 100 thousand dollars.           Once we get that shit in order, you           can have her back, and your life,           too. So you're gonna show up where           I say, when I say. Alone. And if           you try anything stupid, the two of           you will be delivering pizzas to           Saint Peter.                                                   WILL           Let me talk to her.                                                   DWAYNE           You got ten seconds.                                   Dwayne hands the phone back to Jay, who puts it to Kate's          ear. She is trembling.                                                   KATE           Will...?                                    WILL (O.S.)           Kate, I'm so sorry.                                                   KATE           It's okay...I'm fine...I'm just really -                                   Dwayne snatches the phone.                                                   DWAYNE           She's just really gonna die if you           fuck this up.                                   Will absorbs this like a blow to the chest. The line          disconnects.                                                   WILL           Fuck!                                                   CHET           What happened?                                                   WILL           They have Kate.                                                   CHET           What the fuck does that mean!?                                                   WILL           They took her, man. They must have           followed us to her office.           96.                                                   CHET           Damn it! You had to go see her!                                                   WILL           I'm sorry. I messed up...I finally           messed up worse than I could have           possibly imagined.                                                   CHET           We gotta get her back, Will. These           guys are crazy.                                                   WILL           We still got the money. As long as           we have that, she's alive. Come on.                                   Chet grabs the bag of cash. They hustle into the car and it          peels out, leaving behind a swirling cloud of dust. As the          sun begins to set -                                   SUPER COUNTDOWN: 58 minutes...                                                   CUT TO:                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                   Two menacing headlights come at us on the empty road. They                         BELONG TO                                   INT. SENTRA - NIGHT - MOVING                                   Vaughn holds up Dwayne's map as he drives. He seems to be          on the right road, headed for the radio tower. He crumples          the map and throws it in back.                                   EXT. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                   The Mustang stops by the gate to the radio tower. Chet jumps          out and disappears into the bushes.                                   EXT. RADIO TOWER - NIGHT                                   The Mustang pulls up. Will gets out and looks around the          deserted place. He holds up the money bag.                                                   WILL           I'm here!                                   In the shadow of the nearby shed, the minivan is revealed as          its interior lights come on. The door opens and Dwayne          emerges, in his mask.                                                   DWAYNE           How much time you got left?           97.                                   Will takes off the jacket and tosses it to the ground. He          looks at the timer.                                                   WILL           Ten minutes.                                                   DWAYNE           Damn. Maybe we should just wait           around for the money shot.                                   The guys meet in a clearing. Dwayne nods at the bag.                                                   DWAYNE           That the money?                                                   WILL           Maybe. Where's the girl?                                   Dwayne grins.                                                   DWAYNE           In the van. Maybe.                                                   WILL           Get her out here. You're wasting time.                                   Will grips the bag close to him.                                   Dwayne whistles. The minivan door opens and Jay steps out.          Strapped to his back is the frame pack we saw at his workshop.          A long tube connects the pack to the handle of a metal pipe-          like device in his hand.                                   Jay helps Kate, still bound and blindfolded, out of the van.          They approach Dwayne and take up position behind him.                                                   KATE           Will, are you there?                                                   WILL           I'm here. It's gonna be okay.                                                   DWAYNE           This is a fucking tearjerker.                                                   WILL           Just let her come over here.                                                   DWAYNE           I will. But you should know, my           associate over there is packing a           flamethrower.                                   Jay aims the metal device he has been holding. He hits a          button and a pilot light comes on.           98.                                                   JAY                          (FLAT)           Just do what we say. Don't mess           around or anything.                                                   DWAYNE           Unless either of you can outrun a 25-           foot flame.           (gestures to gun in his belt)           Or a bullet.                                   Dwayne roughly pulls Kate away from Jay and shoves her          forward. Will grabs her, pulls her blindfold off and pushes          her behind him.                                                   WILL           Get back.                                                   DWAYNE           I gave you the girl. Now give me           the money.                                                   WILL           How about we get the code out of the           way first, since this bomb happens           to be ticking so close to all of us.                                                   DWAYNE           Fair enough.                                   Dwayne pulls a slip of paper from his pocket.                                                   DWAYNE                          (TAUNTING)           You ready to be a free man?                                                   WILL           Just give it to me!                                                   DWAYNE           448921.                                   Will keys in the numbers. The timer freezes and the lock at          the hinge opens. Will carefully extricates himself from the          vest. He lays it down on the ground and steps away from it.          His shirt is drenched in sweat from where the bomb sat.                                   Will takes a final look at the money bag, then throws it to          Dwayne. He looks inside, smiles. Jay takes a peak.                                                   DWAYNE           It's so fucking pretty, ain't it?                                                   JAY           Yeah. It's awesome.           99.                                   Dwayne looks up at Will.                                                   DWAYNE           Okay, you can get out of here now.                                                   WILL           I actually have this sneaking           suspicion that once we turn around,           you're gonna put a bullet in both of           our backs - and this is just a guess -           burn our bodies.                                                   DWAYNE           They say great minds think alike.           And in this case, so do we.                                                   WILL           I figured as much. That's why I got           a gun pointed at you, too.                          (LOUDLY)           I got a sniper in the bushes locked           on you right now.                                                   DWAYNE           Do I look that dumb?                                                   WILL           I can't tell, you're wearing a mask.                                   Before Dwayne can react, he stops and blinks, something          shining in his eyes.                                                   JAY           Hey...on your forehead.                                   Dwayne's eyes turn upward, just barely making out the red          dot that dances on his forehead.                                                   DWAYNE           Son of a bitch. Well played.                                   In the bushes, hidden from sight, Chet carefully aims his          laser pointer at Dwayne's forehead.                                   Will grins at Dwayne.                                                   WILL           We're gonna walk out of here now.           If you shoot, my sniper shoots. I           can't guarantee he'll get both of           you. But he'll definitely get you.                                   As Will turns away -           100.                                    VAUGHN (O.S.)           Hold the fuck up.                                   Vaughn emerges from the darkness. He looks at Will.                                                   VAUGHN           Wasn't expecting to see you here.                                   Without warning, Vaughn cracks Will over the head with the          butt of his gun. He goes down hard. Kate screams. Vaughn          points the gun at her and she shuts up.                                   Dwayne steps forward with the bag.                                                   DWAYNE           It's all good. We got your money.                                                   VAUGHN           Nice mask, Dwayne. Now throw the           money over here.                                   Dwayne complies. As soon as the bag lands, Vaughn aims the          gun at him.                                                   DWAYNE           Hold up. You don't have to do this.           I just paid you.                                   Kate looks on, terrified, an unconscious Will at her side.                                   Vaughn's eyes burn a hole through Dwayne.                                                   VAUGHN           I've been hit with a pipe, shot with a           pen, and wasted my whole motherfucking           day...all because of you and this job.                                                   DWAYNE           I don't know what you're talking about.           Just take the money.                                                   VAUGHN           I will. And then I'm gonna tie up the           two loose ends in the gorilla masks.                                                   DWAYNE           I'm not a loose end!                                                   VAUGHN           You're a fucking idiot. You are as           loose as ends get.                                   Panicked, Dwayne's eyes flash over to Jay, who tightens his          grip on the flamethrower handle. Jay catches Dwayne's eye.          Dwayne nods. Vaughn sees this.           101.                                                   VAUGHN           What the -                                   Jay rears up with the flamethrower. Vaughn couldn't be more          surprised to see the device Jay is holding spit a massive          ball of fire at him.                                   Vaughn dives to the ground, fires off two wild shots, one of                         WHICH -                                   Nails Dwayne in the shoulder, spinning him backward and          knocking him off his feet.                                   Kate recoils in horror as: Vaughn scurries madly on the          ground, intermittently firing, while Jay screams and tries          to torch him with the 25-foot flame. A hand touches Kate's          shoulder and she whirls around to find -                                                   KATE           Chet!? What are you doing here!?                                                   CHET           Not now. We gotta take off.                          (LOOKS AROUND)           Where's Will?                                   Kate looks to the empty spot beside her where Will just was.                                   Flames inches from him, Vaughn lines up a desperate shot -                                   Good news: the bullet only grazes Jay's side. Bad news: it          keeps going and punches through the flamethrower backpack,          which happens to be filled with gasoline, which happens to          have an incredibly low flash point. So the spark from, say,          a bullet, would cause                                   AN ERUPTION OF FLAMES                                   Meanwhile, Will pops up behind Chet and Kate, clutching the          garbage bag.                                                   WILL           I got the money. Let's get the fuck           out of here.                                   They take off toward Will's car.                                   Dwayne groggily comes to...no SOUND, just a ringing. The          first thing he sees: Vaughn storming toward him, god-knows-          what spewing from his mouth. Vaughn levels his gun -                                   It doesn't make a sound for two reasons. The second being          that it's out of bullets.                                   Dwayne fumbles for his own hardware. Muzzle flash.           102.                                   Vaughn drops to his knees. Pulse snatched from him.                                   SOUND SLAMS BACK to the tune of Jay's screams. Dwayne looks          over to see his friend in flames, flailing his arms and          shrieking. Dwayne's head snaps to the other side, where he          sees the Mustang's tires peel. He tears off his mask,          frantically looks around. The money is gone.                                                   DWAYNE           No!!                                   Jay disentangles himself from the backpack, the source of          the flames, but his clothes are now ablaze. In his frenzy,          he somehow manages to string together two coherent words -                                                   JAY           Dwayne! Help!                                   Dwayne gets to his feet as the Mustang roars down the          driveway. He looks to Jay, then to his minivan. Dwayne's          face: Two roads diverge in a wood. Which to take?                                                   DWAYNE           Goddamn it, Jay!                                   Dwayne sprints over to Jay, rips off his jacket and uses it          to beat the flames down.                                                   DWAYNE           Stop, drop and roll!                                   Jay hits the deck. Dwayne continues fighting the flames,          finally falls on top of Jay with the jacket spread and          smothers the last of them out.                                   Jay looks up at Dwayne with puppy dog eyes.                                                   JAY           You came back for me...you said you           never would.                                                   DWAYNE           You didn't hesitate back there, Jay.           You did good.                                   Jay smiles. Flames overtake the field all around them.                                                   DWAYNE           I'm gonna go put a bullet in that           motherfucker and get our money.           Think you can get outta here?                                                   JAY           Yeah. Go get him.           103.                                   Dwayne hurries toward the minivan. Jay stumbles up to his          feet and limps off toward the woods.                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                   The Mustang travels away from the rising flames.                                   INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING                                   Will's face is a mess of dirt, sweat and dried blood. He          and Chet stare ahead, completely shell-shocked.                                   Kate looks from one of them to the other.                                                   KATE           Uh...I just got kidnapped.                                                   CHET           Yeah, that was totally Will's fault.           In case you want to factor that in           while you're mulling over the whole           relationship thing.                                                   WILL           I'm very sorry about the kidnapping.           This is me, taking responsibility           for it. Growing up. Like a viable           life partner.                                                   CHET           This man has spied on you in the           nude before!                                                   WILL           What? No, I didn't.                                                   CHET           He's lying. He's trying to build a           relationship on a foundation of lies.           And it won't stand.                                                   KATE           I just got kidnapped! Can we talk           about that!?                                   Something catches Will's attention: a set of headlights          rapidly growing larger in the rear-view mirror.                                   INT. MINIVAN - NIGHT - MOVING                                   Dwayne's speedometer is buried past 100 mph. His eyes burn          with intensity.           104.                                   INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING                                   Will hits the gas.                                                   WILL           Oh, shit. One of those dudes is           definitely not dead!                                   Chet and Kate look out the back window. Chet screams -                                                   CHET           Hurry up! He's already on us!                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                   Dwayne's car pulls even with the Mustang.                                   INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING                                   Will looks over at Dwayne, who pulls out his gun and takes          aim. He flashes a sick grin -                                                   DWAYNE           I own this town.                                   Before Dwayne can get a shot off -                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                   An explosion rocks the minivan from inside. The back end is          lifted off the ground and the car tumbles over itself. It          lands on its roof and skids into a ditch.                                   INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT - MOVING                                   Chet and Kate watch the burning wreck disappear out the back          window. They are equal parts confused and happy to be alive.                                                   KATE           What the hell was that?                                                   WILL           That was the bomb I carried around           all day. I reactivated it and put           it in the back of his van. I guess           his time was up.                                                   CHET           "His time was up?" Were you thinking           that up the whole day?                                                   WILL           I was prepared, yes. I can't help           it if I'm the kind of guy who thinks           about the future.           105.                                                   CHET                          (TO KATE)           He's not that kind of guy. He doesn't           think about the future. Ever.                                                   KATE           What exactly happened since I saw           you this afternoon?                                                   WILL           Primarily, we robbed a bank.                                                   KATE           What!? So you're, like, fugitives?           What do we do now?                                                   CHET           Yeah, Will. What does the future           hold?                                                   WILL           Nothing good if we stay in town and           they pin this on us. Kate, I think           you should put in for that vacation           time. Right now. If anyone gives           you a problem, tell them to fuck           off. There's 100 grand in that trash           bag by your feet. A third of it's           yours.                                   Kate opens the bag...smiles through the dirt and grime.                                                   KATE           Will, that's -                                                   CHET           Fucked up. Why does she get a share?                                                   WILL           Why do you get a share?                                   Chet stews. Will catches Kate's eyes in the rear-view.                                                   WILL           Airport's 30 minutes away. Pick a           destination. This time it's not a           practice run.                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY                                   The car zooms off.                                   SUPER COUNTDOWN: 0 hours, 0 minutes...                                                   CUT TO:           106.                                   EXT. DITCH - NIGHT                                   Wind fans the flames of the burning minivan. The shattered          windshield sprouts another crack...then another, as -                                   Dwayne's foot kicks it out. He drags himself from the          smoldering steel carcass. He is a charred, blood splattered          mess, but he is alive.                                   EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                   Dwayne is propped up against a sign, lingering on the edge          of consciousness. The headlights of a lone pickup truck          approach. Dwayne feebly waves the truck down for a ride.                                   INT. NICE HOUSE - NIGHT                                   The door opens and Dwayne stumbles through. He has made it          home. He drops like a puppet whose strings have been cut.                                   From where his head has landed on the floor, Dwayne sees          something odd...long red streaks. He crawls forward on all          fours to investigate...                                   It is a trail of sticky red blood. Dwayne follows it until          he comes upon its source...the crumpled body of his father,          lying face down. Dwayne's face: shock and confusion and joy.                                                   DWAYNE           Dad?                                   Dwayne inches closer, pokes the body. Nothing.                                                   DWAYNE           Dad, are you -                                   The body emits a low groan. Dwayne rolls it over. His          father's face is white, he's lost a lot of blood, but he          isn't totally spent yet. He struggles to speak -                                                   MAJOR           Dwayne...                                                   DWAYNE           What happened to you?                                                   MAJOR           Some guy...said you hired him to           kill me.                                                   DWAYNE           Dad, I...I'd never...           107.                                                   MAJOR           Look at you...lip quivering like           you're getting fucked...be a man.                                                   DWAYNE           I am a man! I killed you, didn't I?           Now I'm gonna use your money to open           a tanning salon where they let you           fuck the chicks.                                   This stirs something in The Major.                                                   MAJOR           You mean...like those whorehouses...in           'Nam...I used to tell you about?                                   Dwayne softens at the recollection.                                                   DWAYNE           Those were great bedtime stories.                                   The Major nods. Opens his hand. Reveals a cordless phone.          Dwayne looks to the bloody streaks down the hall, leading to          the phone table. The Major dragged himself the whole way.                                                   MAJOR           Medics are late...probably a couple           lazy spicks...you tell 'em I said           so...all right, son?                                                   DWAYNE           Sure thing, pop.                                   The Major looks up at Dwayne's bruised face, as if for the          first time.                                                   MAJOR           Hell of thing...I think I           may...actually respect you now.                                   Dwayne's eyes well up. He reaches out, cradles his father          as he expires. It's like a very bloody, white trash version          of the Piet‡. Dwayne sobs uncontrollably, until -                                   He drops his father and pound-pound-pounds his chest in some          approximation of a life saving resuscitation.                                                   DWAYNE           Get up, you pussy! Come on, soldier!                                   PULL AWAY as Dwayne pounds the body and distant sirens grow          nearer.                                                   FADE OUT:           108.                                   BLACK. THE DARKNESS RIPPLES...                                   Into waves. It's the ocean, long past sunset. PULL BACK to          find a lone figure staring out at it, sitting on                                   EXT. BEACH - NIGHT                                   Will. Shirtless. Could be anywhere.                                   Chet approaches and sits beside him.                                                   CHET           Fucking nine dollars to use the           internet.                                                   WILL           And?                                                   CHET           Police think it was that black guy.           They found some kind of map in his           car. And I'm sure racial profiling           played a part.                                                   WILL           But nothing about us?                                                   CHET           Nope. Guess it's time to head back.                                                   WILL           I was thinking we'd stick around a           little a longer.                                                   CHET           Why? So you have more time to delude           my sister?                                                   WILL           Yes. And it'd be easier if you gave           us five fucking minutes alone.                                   Chet stares out at the ocean for a beat.                                                   CHET           You really think she's into you?                                                   WILL                          (SWALLOWS HARD)           I kissed her last night. No tongue.           Then you walked in.                                   Chet just nods. Will gets up.           109.                                                   CHET           You're gonna go fuck my sister now,           aren't you?                                                   WILL           I'll be thinking of you the whole           time.                                                   CHET           At the very least...be a considerate           lover. Give pleasure, before taking           pleasure.                                                   WILL           I think I'm reading you. And I will           try my best.                                   Will heads up a trail that leads to a hotel bungalow. Kate          opens the door, steps out onto the porch.                                   Will stops, looks back at Chet. He whistles. Chet turns.                                                   WILL           You're Riggs! You always have been!                                   Chet smiles, shakes his head as -                                   Will reaches the porch. He stands close to Kate. His nerves          clock overtime.                                                   WILL           I lied and told your brother I kissed           you. I thought it would make this           easier.                                                   KATE           Here's an idea: pretend you have a           bomb strapped to your chest. Tick,                          TICK -                                   Will closes the gap and kisses her. After a beat -                                                   KATE           Is Chet watching us?                                                   WILL           Probably. We should go inside. I           promised him I'd satisfy you.                                   Kate laughs, leads him inside and the door shuts to -                                                   BLACK           110.                                   CREDITS ROLL.                                   But they are pushed to one side of the screen, as the other          side is filled with -                                   A lo-fi, 2001-style light tunnel. It deposits us in the          furthest reaches of the galaxy, where we find -                                   A tanning bed. Rotating in orbit. Dwayne's voice booms and                         REVERBERATES -                                                   DWAYNE           GRAND OPENING SPECTACULARRR!                                   The tanning bed explodes, like a star gone supernova. From          the light and fire and chaos...emerges a logo:                                                   MAJOR TAN                                   A bad MATCH CUT takes us to the same logo. Camera ZOOMS OUT          unsteadily to reveal it is a banner above a strip mall          storefront. We are watching a local commercial with          appropriately poor production value.                                   INT. MAJOR TAN - DAY (LOCAL COMMERCIAL)                                   Dwayne walks backward down a hallway while addressing camera          and trying not to trip -                                                   DWAYNE           Here at Major Tan, our specially           trained technicians are hard at work           developing new technologies that           harness the power of the sun, to           ensure a cutting-edge tanning           experience.                                   Dwayne enters a tanning room. A man in a lab coat stares          down at a clipboard, on which a complicated scientific          equation is written.                                                   DWAYNE           How's it looking?                                   The man turns: it's Jay. His smiling face is speckled with          healing burn wounds.                                                   JAY           It's our most advanced tanning bed           yet!                                   He gestures to a very ordinary looking tanning bed.           111.                                                   DWAYNE           Hey, don't just take this scientist's           word for it. The proof...                                   Dwayne snaps his fingers. A BAD SPECIAL EFFECT makes him          disappear, then reappear with a totally orange tan.                                                   DWAYNE           ...is in the tan.                                   We follow Dwayne back out into the hallway.                                                   DWAYNE           But Major Tan isn't just about looking           good. It's also about feeling good.                                   Dwayne gestures to another room. The door opens and Juicy          saunters out in a bikini. A beat later, a RANDOM GUY exits.                                                   RANDOM GUY           That "Deluxe Tan" was fantastic!                                   EXT. MAJOR TAN - DAY (LOCAL COMMERCIAL)                                   Dwayne stands outside the store.                                                   DWAYNE           So come on down to Major Tan...where           we're proud to be a family business.                                   PULL BACK TO REVEAL...The Major beside Dwayne. He's only          about four feet tall now, on account of the wheelchair. But          he's grinning like a jackal, in a POW-MIA cap.                                   A SUPERED LOGO appears: Military Discounts Available!                                   As father and son smile and wave at us -                                   END COMMERCIAL.